# OM text shows up out of blue



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Since EA last fall I have monitored spouse's phone records. I have found absolutely nothing as far as calls or texts from OM. Then out of the blue, text saying "Hello" to wife came through from that number Friday night. Wife did not recognize number because she had him in under name before so when I confronted her she was shocked to say the least. She indicated he drank a lot and was probably getting drunk on a Friday night. She said the only reason she was involved with him in the first place was to make me jealous and that they never had sex (I am very skeptical). Question for the board- why would this guy out of the blue just text "hello" and nothing else. Spouse says if he does it again she will change her number. Any advice welcome.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Fishing. Hoping for a positive response from your wife.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He's fishing to see if she'll respond. 

Have her cell phone number changed and block the number he called from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Bodhitree said:


> Spouse says if he does it again she will change her number. Any advice welcome.


Change it now.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I believe this is called "fishing". The AP is looking to check in with your spouse and see how things are going....

The other option is that the affair went underground, and their preferred method of contact was unavailable.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Yep fishing all the way. Do your self a fav. and block the number or change her number.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> Fishing. Hoping for a positive response from your wife.


I guess it makes me wonder again about her saying she has had no contact with him for 4 months- she quit the job she was at with him about one month ago. I'm wondering if they really had no contact for 4 - 5 months why now? Sorry my imagination is beginning to take over here.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

rock said:


> Half a year later and still fishing? I'd go fishing on his face with my fists at this point.


Don't do this. It will just cause more problems then you need. (Although once I thought this when the OW sent my H an email to his old work email. I closed the email because he did not use it anymore but it was the one she had for him and I worried that he would just check on it one day and bam! HE would be back in an EA or advance to a PA right under my nose)


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Read some of these stories on this forum. Sometimes old high school sweethearts go fishing after decades. I'm not implying one way or another about whether your wife had maintained contact or was in no contact - just that a fishing expedition could occur at any time based on the mental outlook of the other man completely independent of the loyalty of your wife.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is he married or in a relationship?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

leave about the fishing part



> She said the only reason she was involved with him in the first place was to make me jealous and that they never had sex


This sounds very very suspicious.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

PBear said:


> Is he married or in a relationship?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No - been married 3 times- thought he had # 4 in his sights most likely back in the fall.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

They fish. 4 mos after NC the OM texted. His # was blocked so he did it from a friends phone. She changed her # that Monday.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She hung out with the OM only to make you jealous and she never had sex with him. If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you. If the roles were reversed would your wife believe such a story from you?


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

bryanp said:


> She hung out with the OM only to make you jealous and she never had sex with him. If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you. If the roles were reversed would your wife believe such a story from you?


Doubt it- but I'm already past this- I'll never know if she did or didn't- the guy was old and fat so maybe she didn't. I'm assuming she did though and making my decisions based on that.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Fishing as has been said. My AP fished for a year. The last text she sent was "Don't wake me up please. Just grab breakfast on your way in." My wife and I looked at each other and said WTF???? I think she sent something nonsensical to try to get me to respond in any way at all.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

What OM did is called *Drunk Dialing* <--see link



Bodhitree said:


> She said the only reason she was involved with him in the first place was to make me jealous.





warlock07 said:


> This sounds very very suspicious.


lol, "very very suspicious"?... that's a very very politically correct reply... 

What you meant to say was... "that's a damn lie!!"

lol.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yep..OP continues to be in denial, though it could be because he has no proof.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

rock said:


> Disrespect my marriage, but you didn't know me. Okay. I'll let my wife take out the trash and put him to the curb. Disrespect that? It's on.
> 
> That's all I am saying. You don't get two passes.
> 
> That is dumb advise I know, but I think the concept of "fishing" works me up more than anything else about affairs.


:iagree:

This is exactly how I feel. I stayed out of it when I first found out, cause I wasn't sure if I was getting divorced, or what, but now that I am actively fixing my marriage, if that douche comes around, its GO TIME!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> lol, "very very suspicious"?... that's a very very politically correct reply...
> 
> What you meant to say was... "that's a damn lie!!"
> 
> lol.


especially considering she was hiding her "EA" until she got caught. If she did it to piss him off she is either really stupid for not realizing keeping it a secret would mean he wouldn't know, or else she thinks he is gullible enough to buy her story (ie the best lie she could come up with at the time).


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Yep..OP continues to be in denial, though it could be because he has no proof.


That is why obtaining that proof can be so important for the BS to confirm their suspicion or blindside them. The proof can help so much. 

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> She said the only reason she was involved with him in the first place was to make me jealous and that they never had sex (I am very skeptical).


If you're fairly certain she continues to lie to you, the better part of 6 months later then why bother trying to save this thing?

You're living under a cloud of denial... you know she's not being honest with you but you think that you can just shove it under the rug and pretend everythings ok, while you stress over the entire thing and are always on high alert to clues of further infidelity.

This is no way to live. I've read stories on here and I am not optimistic about the chances of any relationship surviving infidelity but I can see why in some cases there may be a chance if the deceptive spouse is remorseful and honest.

Your situation does not qualify.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> leave about the fishing part. This sounds very very suspicious.


Yes, wont you consider digging deep into their A? His fishing is rather a side issue.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its been my experience that if they were still in contact the text would have had more "meat and potatoes" to it. 

When its a fishing trip its usually short and vage, any thing more would be assumptous on the guys part, b/c he's not sure if the chick is still interested or if its even the same #.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Lon said:


> especially considering she was hiding her "EA" until she got caught. If she did it to piss him off she is either really stupid for not realizing keeping it a secret would mean he wouldn't know, or else she thinks he is gullible enough to buy her story (ie the best lie she could come up with at the time).


Yeah weird thing is it was like she was making it so obvious that she wanted me to find out. Someone really trying to have a secret affair doesn't leave the door open so wide for spouse to find out like I did. Only two people that know whether it was PA is her and the other guy. Again, he was an old fat guy so who knows? Don't think I have let her off the hook on this whole deal. We've been in counseling since then, and she left her job- I think she is really embarrassed about the whole thing to be honest- and she should be. I have told her repeatedly I don't buy her "friend" story- so no I am not gullible. In fact I go on the assumption it was a PA and I tell her so. She gets pissed about that, but I really don't care if she does get made- she shouldn't have been running around with anyone like she was. Just wanted to get that off my chest!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> . I have told her repeatedly I don't buy her "friend" story- so no I am not gullible. In fact I go on the assumption it was a PA and I tell her so. She gets pissed about that, but I really don't care if she does get made- she shouldn't have been running around with anyone like she was. Just wanted to get that off my chest!!


Let her get pissed. She knows she's not going to pull the wool over your eyes. Keep her on her toes.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

My wife's OM told his wife that my wife made up the affair to get me to "wake up" and improve the marriage

she bought it 

I hope you don't


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> My wife's OM told his wife that my wife made up the affair to get me to "wake up" and improve the marriage
> 
> she bought it
> 
> I hope you don't


I don't buy it- but I have to be honest- I think it was a cry for attention- i.e. OM was paying attention to her. I have advanced degree, make good money, very physically fit etc.- she resents my success believe it or not and felt that I didn't love her anymore probably because of my success. She never went to college and doesn't feel good about herself- i.e. has gotten overweight etc. over past 20 years. So makes sense she would find some loser (married 3 times). Probably anyone would have sufficed for her attention if you think about it. Anyway, just venting 5 months later some things I haven't before.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> I don't buy it- but I have to be honest- I think it was a cry for attention- i.e. OM was paying attention to her. I have advanced degree, make good money, very physically fit etc.- she resents my success believe it or not and felt that I didn't love her anymore probably because of my success. She never went to college and doesn't feel good about herself- i.e. has gotten overweight etc. over past 20 years. So makes sense she would find some loser (married 3 times). Probably anyone would have sufficed for her attention if you think about it. Anyway, just venting 5 months later some things I haven't before.


Have you actively tried to get her to go back to school, help her lose weight, etc.? What have you done to help her improve herself?


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Have you actively tried to get her to go back to school, help her lose weight, etc.? What have you done to help her improve herself?


Over 20 years - YES I have. Problem is she views it as "if you really loved me you wouldn't care about education, weight etc." She has self esteem issues regarding all of this. Now in fairness to her , when we were younger I did "with hold" love because she didn't meet my "standards". So I did have a part in this deal and I admit it. Counseling is helping me be a much better spouse and accept her as she is. But lying, affairs etc. I cannot accept.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I thought you men knew each other.

Before I met my bf, I had an FB (who I wasn't very happy with, anyway). Having my BF come on the scene made it easy to get rid of him. 

Still over the following year, I got text messages from him. One said " I know you hate me but....do you want to get together this weekend."

I wrote back: "I don't hate you but I do have a boyfriend. Have fun this weekend." 

So a couple more texts. Then I saw some press release about a charity project he worked on. I texted back "my bf and I are doing fine. " then mentioned the charity project that I read about and added "glad you're doing fine."

He texted back, "let's meet up." I ignored it.

He then called me on my cellphone on a Sunday afternoon. I was with my bf and described him as "someone I used to date." Since my bf had come clean with his phone, I offered to show him my phone. He said he didn't need to see it.

I ignored the call. I guess that was about 6 months ago and I have not heard anything from him. Maybe it takes that long for someone to learn.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> Question for the board- why would this guy out of the blue just text "hello" and nothing else.



Because he's fishing to see if she'll respond so they can keep up their secret relationship. He wants to know if she's available or if she'll bite. 



Bodhitree said:


> Spouse says if he does it again she will change her number. Any advice welcome.


Unacceptable. She had an AFFAIR with him. Restoring a marriage aftern AFFAIR includes NO contact WHATSOEVER w/ the affair partner. That means she should block his # today. In fact, it means she shoulda blocked him # long ago so taht he cannot contact her AT ALL on that #. The fact she hasn't done this, to me, speaks volumes. 

Also, how did you find out he messaged her? Did she tell you or you discovered it on your own?


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