# What shall I do?



## Gtownhoyas (Nov 12, 2013)

My wife of 14 yrs, 20 years together, moved out a little over a month ago. Let me say that we have had a roller coaster of a relationship and I am on the fence about her decision. 

We were 18 and 20yo when we were joined together by our son. We were kids raising a kid and had alot of adversity throughout. Both of us were in college, we had financial difficulties, our ideas of raising children differed in almost every way and we've had a rough time. We now have 3 children and 3 mortgages.

Well now after this time she has decided that she's had enough and moved out. Her reason is that she needs space and that we both need to work on ourselves to see if we really want this. I come from parents that have been married for 44 years through the worst adversity possible. I am sure that I want to make it work. She comes from a single mother once married and divorced and has disclosed to me that she wants a break.

We're both educated people and have highly lucritive careers. She has moved into a rental house that's an upgrade from our origional home. Since she has been gone we have had ups and downs and she has even thrown the D word at me. I have many things that I know I could have done better and I am 100% openly admitting to my wrongs. My parents and friends even say to stop beating myself up. All I know how to do is be accountable.

My wife has become very explosive and angry. She's 37 and a part of me says that she's going through a mid life crisis. I cant imagine that she has fallen this far out of love with me. I have struggled with this space thing but lately I have minimized my contact with her. I have left her alone and it seems like she's getting nicer.

I fear that she's happier without me and we'll eventually end up divorced. Let me know what you all think and how I should proceed with this.


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## Kerosene Hat (Nov 12, 2013)

Based on my own situation (see my thread), it sounds like she's done, man. Sorry. We were together for the better part of 9 years, then one day, blammo...she takes a trip to Belize "with the girls" and within a few weeks has moved out, only to come back to pick up clothes (well, then her hitachi wand today; guess a girl needs company). I would contact an attorney and find out what you can do to start protecting yourself financially. Probably not much you CAN do, but knowledge is power. Beyond that, I'm sure others here will have good advice; this seems to be a very supportive forum.


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## Gtownhoyas (Nov 12, 2013)

I Love the forum. I'm just in complete disbelief that she'd give up all that we have built because she's "tired". We've had our differences, some worse than others, but we've always worked them out. She's in a global role in her job and it stresses her the blank out. I feel that her problem isnt solely with me and I'm torn between letting it go or stick around miserable until whatever this is runs it's course.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Hoya,

The best thing you can do is start preparing for your future. That might be an R or it might be on your own. One strategy that many here use is the 180 which includes little or no contact with the X unless for kids or business and then just business.

Working on yourself and having no contact will either wake her up to what she is leaving behind or convince her to leave. But you will be prearing for a fulfilling future the whole time.

Good luck and be strong,
Stretch


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Any signs of infidelity from her? Is she seeing an OM?


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## Gtownhoyas (Nov 12, 2013)

I dont think she's seeing another man. The person that she is would be too ashamed to. We're talking about a stubborn woman who was raised by a single mother and single women. I had to work my way in because they were all feminist. Boarderline male bashers. I feel that her rope was short to begin with and I stretched it farther than she was willing to go. Lately we have been on a roller coaster. She tells me that she loves me but she doesnt want to go back to us "right now". My sorrow is beginning to turn to anger because it's been 2 months now. I am at a stand still. I cant break this wall down though. It's killing me


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

I feel our situation is similar in some sense. W is stressed out at work, and can't handle the additional pressure of working on a relationship. You say she is getting nicer with time and space, so why not stick to what is working? The rollercoaster of emotions from her indicates she is having a tough time too. Don't force the issue on her, keep your interactions with her positive and upbeat. Try and keep yourself busy. Set small goals of improving yourself while also counting your blessings..in the end what you want to shine through most of all is that even during this dark time, you still manage to show a positive attitude


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

She apparently needs a break. Whatever that means....

If you think that is a good safety check, then let it play out. However, you need to set some timelines for yourself. How long are you comfortable being in limbo? That's really what a "break" is for the spouse who didn't need it. Waiting around for the other spouse to decide to come back or not. You already sound angry its been 2 months. How long are you going to do this for? No one has the answer except for you. 

You will see advice here about the 180. Call it what you want. I suggest you have limited contact with her unless its business related. It hurts to hear this, but she doesn't want you right now. Her actions are telling you everything you need to hear. In the mean time, mentally steel yourself for a separation/divorce. In my case, my 180 didn't do anything to make her want to come back to me. I think it annoyed her I wasn't chasing after her. My 180 did turn me completely around and gave me some tremendous perspective on things. I completely detached from my STBXW's frame and drama triangle. The 180 saved me. 

Capitalize on this "break" to better yourself - FOR YOU. 

Communicate with her only when necessary. Keep moving forward, dude. Let your gut guide you. If she comes around in your timeline, good for you. I suggest you greet her with an improved version of you who isn't going to be crapped upon anymore. If you've had enough already, call it so and move on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Gtownhoyas said:


> I had to work my way in because they were all feminist. Boarderline male bashers. I feel that her rope was short to begin with and I stretched it farther than she was willing to go.


Why in the hell would you marry a feminest?
My point is you could have and *will* do so much better.Enless you hook up with another feminist!

It sucks that you finally came to the realization that your old lady was trying to be something she wasn't.

Next time around look for a chick that has more "rope".

You diserve good things so stop dealing with this emotional torture and distance your self from this relationship.Dude every time you engage her for what ever reason you will get emotionaly sucked back in only to be spit out by your old lady.....phuck that!!!!!

If she can't get a bite of you then she can't spit you out....you know what I mean?


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