# Wife MLC - seperation question



## Highhopes (Jul 26, 2012)

New member here, so I hope I'm doing this correctly and in the right spot.

My wife seems to be going through a MLC. I have read several related post and it is very similar to her actions. We have come to the point where she wants a seperation and wants me to move out of the house. I have read that I should be the one to stay in the home and take care of the household and kids. I am the sole income providor for the last 10 years and she has been a stay at home mom. Recently she has started working part time but it has not amounted to much income at all. If I request that I am staying in the house she threatens legal seperation or divorce. So My question is - can she legally, through a legal seperation, be rewarded to her being able to stay in the house and I have to leave? ...or if she calls for a divorce, will she also be rewarded to stay in the house?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Highhopes said:


> If I request that I am staying in the house she threatens legal seperation or divorce.


Go see a lawyer today, and don't move out of your house. So...she actually told you to move out, or she'll go for a divorce? 

The next time she threatens that, laugh in her face, tell her you aren't moving, hand her the yellow pages and tell her to get moving with a divorce lawyer.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

DO NOT MOVE OUT!

Down the road this could be interpretted as abandonment by the courts and will be used against you if you do go down the divorce path.

Also, it might be best if you have some type of recording device on you at all times and you record ALL your conversations. This will prevent her from saying that you hit her or anything along those lines.

Spouses have often used domestic violence complaints as a way to have their partners removed from the home.

I would suggest that you tell her that she should seek full time employment if she wants to live on her own so she can afford to do so


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Who gets to live in the house is decided by the laws of your state/province, not her. Do not leave your house, it may be seen as abandonment. This is her way of controlling what happens to the future of your family.

She is telling you to leave so she can continue her lifestyle on your income. If you leave you will not have any influence on your family's life. Are you OK with her deciding what happens to your family with out your input? 

Right now she is only interested in her self, and could careless about you. Take charge, if she wants out she knows where the door is. There's a whole big world on the other side of that door. Tell her she is welcome to go and see how well she can do in it on her own. 

Get a lawyer and find out who she is fooling around with.


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## Highhopes (Jul 26, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Go see a lawyer today, and don't move out of your house. So...she actually told you to move out, or she'll go for a divorce?
> 
> The next time she threatens that, laugh in her face, tell her you aren't moving, hand her the yellow pages and tell her to get moving with a divorce lawyer.


She has threatened to call a lawyer if I don't move out. She has been refraining a little from using the word divorce but she has mentioned legal seperation. I have heard that she could be deemed as caretaker so she would get to stay in the house but that's what I'm wondering.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Time to start searching for the boyfriend.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Go see a lawyer today, and don't move out of your house. So...she actually told you to move out, or she'll go for a divorce?
> 
> The next time she threatens that, laugh in her face, tell her you aren't moving, hand her the yellow pages and tell her to get moving with a divorce lawyer.












Seriously lawyer up....protect your rights.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Highhopes said:


> She has threatened to call a lawyer if I don't move out. She has been refraining a little from using the word divorce but she has mentioned legal seperation. I have heard that she could be deemed as caretaker so she would get to stay in the house but that's what I'm wondering.


Get a lawyer to protect your rights today. She won't be able to threaten a lawyer. Then you both will get what the law sees fit, not what see sees fit for her. 

One question, why do you think she feels things will be better for her, with out you?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't believe MLCs cause separation. MLCs do cause a person so review and question their choices, how they got where they are at, and if they want to change course before they are too old to change.

These things can make you unhappy, but I do not believe they drive you to ask you SO to suddenly move out.

More often than not, new boyfriends cause a spouse to change their attitudes, looks, etc. an eventually ask the husband to move out.

I think you should refused to leave, and I think you should look into if she's in contact with some other guy on the side - it could be strictly an EA and online, or it could be someone local.

Look for numbers on the phone bills called/texted a lot - especially when your not home, and look for email/fb activity.

While snooping isn't someone place people like to go, it can very much save your marriage by uncovering an outside threat.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Highhopes said:


> She has threatened to call a lawyer if I don't move out. She has been refraining a little from using the word divorce but she has mentioned legal seperation. I have heard that she could be deemed as caretaker so she would get to stay in the house but that's what I'm wondering.


Call her bluff. (Edited to remove prior advice for reasons explained in post below.)

Who does the house belong to? Do you own it? Whose name is on the mortgage? Who owns the land? Who holds the deed? These are the legal issues that you aren't telling us that determine property rights. HOWEVER, laws governing dissolution of marriage can go beyond technical property rights to find that property held in the name of one person is actually joint property.

That is why you need a lawyer.

Moving out of the house, in some states, amounts to legal abandonment of the marriage, that is why it should never happen if you want to preserve property AND all potential custody rights over your children.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Highhopes said:


> She has threatened to call a lawyer if I don't move out.
> 
> I have heard that she could be deemed as caretaker so she would get to stay in the house but that's what I'm wondering.


Don't go by what you've HEARD. See a lawyer ASAP. Many will give you a free 1st consultation. 

Her threats are a power/control thing over you. If you cower/beg/plead you'll get more of the same, and you'll end up moving out of the house with your tail tucked between your legs. Seriously, hand her the yellow pages the next time she threatens to call a lawyer.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Call her bluff. (Edited to remove prior advice for reasons explained in post below.)


I stepped away from the computer and recalled something we've seen unfortunately many times here.

A woman who wants you to move out may resort, unfortunately, to falsely claiming you are physically abusing her. The fact that she is doing this to you in a threatening way leads me to these recommendations ASAP:

1. Buy a voice activated recorder. Keep it on your person with fresh batteries at all times. Make sure you have it with you when interacting with her.

2. Do not argue with her. If she tries to argue, walk away.

3. The person who calls the police first gets the benefit of the doubt. If she hits you, CALL THE POLICE. If she calls the police, you will have a nearly close to 100% chance of spending the night in jail, and if it happens on a Friday, all weekend. This has happened to several forum members exactly as described. 

Be warned.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

And find the boyfriend. I doubt it's a coincidence that she suddenly started working part-time and now she wants a separation. The job would be a good place to start looking. But just getting out of the house has probably brought her into contact with lots of possible OMs. She might want the separation to be free of any oversight on your part.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Highhopes said:


> She has threatened to call a lawyer if I don't move out. She has been refraining a little from using the word divorce but she has mentioned legal seperation. I have heard that she could be deemed as caretaker so she would get to stay in the house but that's what I'm wondering.


No, she COULD be deemed care taker for the kids but that doesn't translate into you leaving the house to her and her boyfriend while you pay the bills.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you checked her phone records for a number you don't recognize?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Highhopes said:


> She has threatened to call a lawyer if I don't move out. She has been refraining a little from using the word divorce but she has mentioned legal seperation. I have heard that she could be deemed as caretaker so she would get to stay in the house but that's what I'm wondering.


Highhopes,

You are in a very vulnerable situation here. Your wife can present allegations of abuse to the court and get a restraining order against you. She can have another man move in with her the day after you leave. That could leave working full time, paying for two residences and by the time you clear yourself to be allowed to return home, someone else could have been living in your house with your family for months.

Tell your wife if she doesn't want to live with you, you completely understand. Offer to sell the house, split the proceeds, split all marital assets and split the custody of the kids. 50/50, right down the middle on everything. Neither of you will owe the other anything and you will proceed immediately with separate lives. Yes or no, right now, here is the offer.

Write back and let us know what she says.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Do Not Move Out! and huge red flag with the new job. Bet there is another someone helping her down the wrong path during the MLC fog.

My wife likely suffered the MLC fog about a year and a half ago. May have had an EA and eventually she left to go live with her sister for 4 months. 

She is now back and things are good, but it was a long tough road of patience and a near divorce. I highly recommend Divorce Busting book if you want to save it. She is not thinking clearly and her unhappiness needs to blame someone and that someone is usually the spouse. At the same time they want the excitement of greenier pasturers. 

She should wake from it eventually, so do IC for you an MC if she will give it a chance for the kids...wink wink.

Best wishes to you!


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## Mr Bixby (Jul 25, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Highhopes,
> 
> You are in a very vulnerable situation here. Your wife can present allegations of abuse to the court and get a restraining order against you. She can have another man move in with her the day after you leave. That could leave working full time, paying for two residences and by the time you clear yourself to be allowed to return home, someone else could have been living in your house with your family for months.
> 
> ...


I Agree with is ^^^^
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I don't believe MLCs cause separation. MLCs do cause a person so review and question their choices, how they got where they are at, and if they want to change course before they are too old to change.
> 
> These things can make you unhappy, but I do not believe they drive you to ask you SO to suddenly move out.
> 
> ...


I believe MLC caused both in my wife. Her MLC unhappiness made all of this possible.

Someone related to the workplace is helping give her the courage as the sympathize with her unhappiness from the MLC. Likely a guy, but sometimes can be a women going through her own unhappiness and become supporters of the recking ball.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

In summation:

Get a recording device and keep it on you at all times when you speak to her. Preferably one that is small enough so you can conceal it so she doesn't know she's being recorded

Buy a voice activated recorder and place it under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro

Put a key logger on your PC

Get access to your cell phone account on line and look at her volume of texts and calls to one or two numbers. Is it a lot? You've probably found the other man than.

Good luck!


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## Highhopes (Jul 26, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Get a lawyer to protect your rights today. She won't be able to threaten a lawyer. Then you both will get what the law sees fit, not what see sees fit for her.
> 
> One question, why do you think she feels things will be better for her, with out you?


I think she believes I am blocking her freedom. Of course I have complained in the past about her out a couple times a week, closing down bars and just simply spending too much time away from the family. I think she feels guilty about it and doesn't want to face me. I do believe she feels she is letting me down but she can't help it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Highhopes said:


> her out a couple times a week, closing down bars and just simply spending too much time away from the family.


Bingo.

Found her boyfriend yet?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Highhopes said:


> I think she believes I am blocking her freedom. Of course I have complained in the past about her out a couple times a week, closing down bars and just simply spending too much time away from the family. I think she feels guilty about it and doesn't want to face me. I do believe she feels she is letting me down but she can't help it.


Complained? You mean you ask her to act like a married woman, don't you? You are blocking her freedom, to be single. While she's out where are you... babysitting? Are you enabling this behavior? Are you Mr nice guy? 

I don't believe much in MLC as such. I do know that there are times in life we reevaluate where we are in our lives due to some dissatisfaction. I assume the marriage has been missing something. No? 

When did she start going out on her own? New job, new friends, new man? What ever it is, its pulling her emotions away from you. Find out! 

Get a lawyer, find out your rights. Maybe if she thinks your serious you can negotiate something to get her in MC.


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## Highhopes (Jul 26, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Complained? You mean you ask her to act like a married woman, don't you? You are blocking her freedom, to be single. While she's out where are you... babysitting? Are you enabling this behavior? Are you Mr nice guy?
> 
> I don't believe much in MLC as such. I do know that there are times in life we reevaluate where we are in our lives due to some dissatisfaction. I assume the marriage has been missing something. No?
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply...you are right on with this but I still don't know the answers.
Every forum I have read say's to let her go, that is the best way...don't bug her, don't irritate her or you will push her further away. She has stated that she would probably choose her friends over me right now...so yes, it is an evaluation on her life. Do I play Mr. nice guy and hope it passes in a few months or year or do I push and make boundaries that will irritate her and leave. What do you do?

You asked what is pulling her and to find out...what do I do after I find out? ...what if it is just her friends as she claims, which I still have reason to believe that is all it is at this time. But even if it's just her friends she is constantly gone, no housework gets done, isn't spending quality time with the kids, spends money going out to eat and gas for driving everywhere. 

Do I call her bluff or let her go?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, 'let her go' and giving up rights to the house and kids are two separate things. You can let her go and still keep what is rightfully, legally yours. Let her go means accept that she wants out of the marriage, not, give in to her every whim and threat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Highhopes said:


> I think she believes I am blocking her freedom. Of course I have complained in the past about her out a couple times a week, closing down bars and just simply spending too much time away from the family. I think she feels guilty about it and doesn't want to face me. I do believe she feels she is letting me down but she can't help it.


HH, this is what a SINGLE lady does. When you get married, you decide to do these things TOGETHER. Ask her if she really wants to be married.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Highhopes said:


> Thanks for the reply...you are right on with this but I still don't know the answers.
> Every forum I have read say's to let her go, that is the best way...don't bug her, don't irritate her or you will push her further away. She has stated that she would probably choose her friends over me right now...so yes, it is an evaluation on her life. Do I play Mr. nice guy and hope it passes in a few months or year or do I push and make boundaries that will irritate her and leave. What do you do?


You are acting out of fear. You're trying to control her. You never COULD control her; she was always with you only by choice. By making moves to try to please her so she won't leave you, you slip further and further down the ranks of what she cares about.

Women need a MAN, not a milquetoast. Time to start leading the family. "Wife, I see you want to be single. Well, I don't want to come second to your desire to go out and flirt, so go ahead and leave. I'll find someone who wants me and respects me."

This isn't a trick. It has to come from your heart. You do what works for YOU, your integrity. Once she sees you acting like the real man she thought you were, she may come around. If she doesn't, you didn't have a real marriage anyway.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She met her new bf at work(most likely).


But seriously, you need to verify the affair angle. How do you plan to check it? She recently started working again right? It happens often.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Highhopes said:


> Thanks for the reply...you are right on with this but I still don't know the answers.
> Every forum I have read say's to let her go, that is the best way...don't bug her, don't irritate her or you will push her further away. She has stated that she would probably choose her friends over me right now...so yes, it is an evaluation on her life. Do I play Mr. nice guy and hope it passes in a few months or year or do I push and make boundaries that will irritate her and leave. What do you do?
> 
> You asked what is pulling her and to find out...what do I do after I find out? ...what if it is just her friends as she claims, which I still have reason to believe that is all it is at this time. But even if it's just her friends she is constantly gone, no housework gets done, isn't spending quality time with the kids, spends money going out to eat and gas for driving everywhere.
> ...



Nothing stops an affair like exposure. And your path will be more clear and you can confront the issues head on


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## x2startermom (Jan 8, 2010)

What does MLC stand for? Is there a link for acronyms?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mid life crisis


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Highhopes said:


> Thanks for the reply...you are right on with this but I still don't know the answers.
> Every forum I have read say's to let her go, that is the best way...don't bug her, don't irritate her or you will push her further away. She has stated that she would probably choose her friends over me right now...so yes, it is an evaluation on her life. Do I play Mr. nice guy and hope it passes in a few months or year or do I push and make boundaries that will irritate her and leave. What do you do?
> 
> You asked what is pulling her and to find out...what do I do after I find out? ...what if it is just her friends as she claims, which I still have reason to believe that is all it is at this time. But even if it's just her friends she is constantly gone, no housework gets done, isn't spending quality time with the kids, spends money going out to eat and gas for driving everywhere.
> ...


You've read the subject. You know well if she sees you long for her and beg her, you look weak. Looking weak probably lead to this behavior in the first place. You know if you were a strong male figure in her life chances are she wouldn't have started going to bars alone. 

Something toxic is filling her mind, against the reality of mother and wife. Who ever they are, they are not friends of your marriage. They support and egg her on to rid herself of you. That's easier than working on herself or the marriage. That is why you need to find out who or what your opponent is. It's one piece of the puzzle. Is alcoholism involved?

It seems it's time to call her bluff, get a lawyer. You can always reconcile before a divorce, but if you don't start the process she will never realize what she has to lose. The longer you hesitate, the deeper she'll get into the toxic behavior. The deeper she gets, the harder it will be to for her to come back from it. 

Insulate yourself, your children and you finances from her destructive behavior. Treat her as if she's a drug addict and she is spiraling out of control and dragging you and your family down with her. You should not underwrite her bad behavior. Close down her cards and access to your money. 

Get Divorce Busters, do the 180, read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life...do any of these things not look weak. Then she may start to see you in a different light...remember you can not change her, you can only change you and that changes the way people see and treat you. Hope your not to late, but at least you'll be better for it. Do nothing and it will continue or happen again.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Elvis has already left the building?


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

Highhopes said:


> If I request that I am staying in the house she threatens legal seperation or divorce. So My question is - can she legally, through a legal seperation, be rewarded to her being able to stay in the house and I have to leave? ...or if she calls for a divorce, will she also be rewarded to stay in the house?


Man don't request it, tell her it is the way it is. Only a judge through the divorce proceedings can dictate what happens with the house and that is a long way off. As others have said, if she is desperate she may resort to desperate means so have a VAR on you during these discussions.

You are not wrong here no matter how much she tries to convince you that you are. Stay strong. She wants a new life, then she is not going to find it in your house. Let her go out into the real world and work for everything that thus far you have provided.


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

The person who moves out first will lose the house ....


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