# Worried about his lack of interest in sex



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I'm interested to know if the men here can comment on any kind of "ratio" of actual sex to taking care of themselves (either on their own or with their W at hand) in an average week?

My H recently has noticeably dropped his level of interest in sex. We've gradually gone from most days, to every other day, to now once a week, over the past few months. He still takes care of things either by himself or asks me to over having sex (I never would turn him down.) 

I am starting to get upset that he seems to prefer me to just get him off rather than sex. This week I've given him a hand three times and we've had sex once. He actually tells me he doesn't want sex when I say "there's other things we could do." He will offer to help me take care of things but it's not the same and it's starting to take the place of sex.

He says his lack of interest is down to being tired and stressed from work, but being honest I can't see anything that would make him so much more tired than a few months ago.

The other thing is that he says he's petrified of me becoming pregnant again. I had a coil fitted a few months ago to prevent this but he says he's still worried.

In the meantime I am feeling worried and rejected and not really sure what to do.

Help!
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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Anyone?
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## Claude Veritas (Jan 29, 2012)

Men are into work, they might be tired and unhealthy and less driven at times...and in ages to come, they might need boosting up in their overall health,whether physical or mental ..

he shud take rest pauses and you need to understand him about his fatigue and health issues, if any...

further, the pregnancy fear might be just an alibi , or a real concern..he shud have understanding on how contraceptives measures help, just as you have resorted already to one of the methods.

Let him get organized ...and also talk to him about any other reason for disinterest...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Maybe ask him to use a condom. That's if ge's truly scared of you getting pregnant. 

I'd start snooping his phone and computer just to make sure there isn't another woman. Just to be on the safe side. I've heard men don't like to "cheat" on their mistresses. Just a thought. Exhaustion and stress can also cause the lack of desire. Good luck.
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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Not 100% sure what you are saying. Again a little more clarity or context is needed. How old, how long together and do you have kids?

From what you posted I take it your husband still is "spilling his seed" a minimum of 3-4X/wk, but he is asking you to finish him 1-3X's/wk and only once are you having vaginal sex. It also sounds like he is not returning the favour.

Now as the post above states, he can wear a condom or can finish outside, and certainly can make it a very mutually satisfying experience. 

He is selfish...... What else is there to say. Next time he asks you to finish him off, tell him to get a tissue and use his own hands......

BTW 1X/wk is not terrible after a # of years or as a short term lull, if it was not for all the other things you wrote.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

The coil is very effective but he still worries. We both hate condoms so they're out. We have talked about him getting a vasectomy so I have asked him to look into that if it will help allay his pregnancy worries.

I have checked things out and there is no sign of another woman.

We're in our 30s. Have three kids, youngest is at home with me and the older ones at school. The summary of activity is about right. My worry is that frequency has dropped from last year gradually and shows no signs of picking up. Whilst I do not think 1x a week is nothing, we have never had it less than 3x a week since we met years ago. And the fact that it is obvious he still has the same libido if he is taking care of things or wanting me to, where previously we would have sex instead.

He has told me that the reasons he gave are valid and it has nothing to do with his feelings for me. He also says that sometimes when he is tired and it is late, it's easier to knock one out than wake me or go through foreplay and stuff when he can just take care of stuff himself. I understand this on occasion but when it is taking the place of sex then I feel upset about it. He also said it makes things a bit different but I think that is a cop out excuse as we've always done it as a part of things, I just honestly think there's something not right if he *prefers* it to sex?
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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Start to refuse the hand jobs. Tell him you desire intimacy and this new thing that works for him does not work for you. If you need to explore other ways to get to a point where his fears of pregnancy are at a comfortable level tell him you're more than willing to look at alternatives but your current state of sexuality is not acceptable to you.


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## Claude Veritas (Jan 29, 2012)

there could be a psychological ,hence sex block for some reason...it cud be more mental than physical...

and important fact, when some men are tired, they have only an interest to jerk off, and he is doing it with your hj , may be since he wants u to be part of it...

but, what he forgets is the vital constraint that he is creating, in not allowing you the full pleasure of a blissful ,powering union..which is a woman's right and need ...which cud mentally and physically distant the couples...and hence he shud be made aware on the aspect asap...


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> The coil is very effective but he still worries. We both hate condoms so they're out. We have talked about him getting a vasectomy so I have asked him to look into that if it will help allay his pregnancy worries.
> 
> I have checked things out and there is no sign of another woman.
> 
> ...


Well what about finishing outside? Three kids and if you don't want more a vasectomy is easy (but I'll bet he complains). Too lazy to have sex and have foreplay but happy to masturbate and let you finish him. Sounds like an egotistical ahole to me.

Is he always selfish about sex. Does he do oral for you and fingers......


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Start to refuse the hand jobs. Tell him you desire intimacy and this new thing that works for him does not work for you. If you need to explore other ways to get to a point where his fears of pregnancy are at a comfortable level tell him you're more than willing to look at alternatives but your current state of sexuality is not acceptable to you.


He tends to do this last thing at night in bed. I have tried initiating at other times but he prefers then, and rather than him initiating stuff, he has started to initiate these HJs. It's crazy, he's saying he's too tired but I have clearly told him (and I mean clearly) that I am open to intimacy at other times, not just at night, we could do stuff earlier on, or even first thing in the morning. 



Claude Veritas said:


> there could be a psychological ,hence sex block for some reason...it cud be more mental than physical...
> 
> and important fact, when some men are tired, they have only an interest to jerk off, and he is doing it with your hj , may be since he wants u to be part of it...
> 
> but, what he forgets is the vital constraint that he is creating, in not allowing you the full pleasure of a blissful ,powering union..which is a woman's right and need ...which cud mentally and physically distant the couples...and hence he shud be made aware on the aspect asap...


I don't mind the HJs now and again, that is fine, don't get me wrong. it bothers me though now they're taking the place of where we used to have sex.



Havesomethingtosay said:


> Well what about finishing outside? Three kids and if you don't want more a vasectomy is easy (but I'll bet he complains). Too lazy to have sex and have foreplay but happy to masturbate and let you finish him. Sounds like an egotistical ahole to me.
> 
> Is he always selfish about sex. Does he do oral for you and fingers......


Finishing outside is not something I want him to do regularly. He's not keen on a V but I have asked he look into it. 

And the other crazy thing about it is that he's too tired for sex, yet he can manage to take care of stuff then offers to take care of me: if he can do that then why won't he have more sex like we used to? He never used to be selfish. He just can't see it from where I am and how it looks.


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## confuseddad (Jan 29, 2012)

He is most likely addicted to porn and masterbating too much. Sorry to be blunt, but this is a major cause of issues with guys. He might also have low testosterone, which really makes a difference in drive.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Although some advice here are great starts... But don't jump to any major conclusions without looking at his statements first... 

Fear of you getting pregnant: Can be one of his relative fears, although a huge excuse when it comes to sex, he could be using it to mask another reason (sorry for stating the obvious)...

Too Tired, Too Stressed: Yes, it actually does happen, but what do you see in that... Better question, does he still show in any way that he is sexually attracted to you? Has he made a statement of trying to address this issue? I ask because me and my wife just had a conversation, where I acknowledged that I have been wicked longing for her, but sometimes, sleep calls me a little stronger... So we discussed what we can do about it... Is he open for a conversation of that caliber?

More Me Time Than Us Time: I can't say much to that but this, "me time" is easy, simple, quick, no effort... But what strikes me, is you finish him off... I'm going to go toward a road less traveled, but first, some history... Me and my lady had terrible misunderstandings, I loved when she would perform oral, her... not so much, we had long and boy do I mean long talks of how it's not that I ask her to do something I selfishly desire, but that it was more about her wanting to want to do it... So now, if you look at our schedule, the combination of mutual oral far outweigh sex... The moral being, that was one of my "kinks", and because there was poor communication, I felt it was just easier to handle myself... So now I ask, could he have a fetish for hand jobs? Maybe a new desire or fetish... 

Exit Note: I would say, his openness shows he does care to include you (strange as that sounds)... And even though, it's not sex, he may believe that by including you, it's still intimacy... Not withholding that he still interest sex with you... If it is that, you need to reinforce to him, you need intimacy out of it too... Now all and all, it could be far fetched... He could just be the laziest person, and selfishly expect a hand (pun intended)... But if that's the case, you let him know, if the both of you can't participate in shared pleasure, then what starts alone finishes alone...

Hey, just look at all and any possibility


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Are you done having children? You seem be, since you mentioned vasectomy.

There's also an option for you for sterilization that doesn't involve a tubal ligation. Go do some research on "Essure" and talk to your ob/gyn about it. It's a simple procedure, and if you've already had an IUD inserted, then having Essure done is no worse than that.

Essure Home Page

Essure - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I don't think it's about the lack of interest in sex that's the problem. That seems to be the symptom. It seems like it's more about his lack of motivation and his lack of commitment and interest in doing anything that is important to you - that is the most disconcerting. From some of your other threads, this seems to be a consistent malady.

Are you in any kind of IC at all? If not, might be worth looking in to so that you have an outlet and sounding board for discussing options in how to handle your H's unresponsiveness toward you.

Best wishes.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I don't think it's about the lack of interest in sex that's the problem. That seems to be the symptom. It seems like it's more about his lack of motivation and his lack of commitment and interest in doing anything that is important to you - that is the most disconcerting. From some of your other threads, this seems to be a consistent malady.
> 
> Are you in any kind of IC at all? If not, might be worth looking in to so that you have an outlet and sounding board for discussing options in how to handle your H's unresponsiveness toward you.
> 
> Best wishes.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Thankyou guys, just checking in again.

He's not addicted to porn. He rarely looks at it and it's no biggie here if he does or I do. Having said that, I did notice he had looked at it the other weekend and whilst previously I wouldn't have batted an eyelid or would have made a jokey comment, I was actually annoyed. We'd been together the previous night and that morning with no action, and I'd gone out for a couple of hours, he'd decided then that he was horny and so sorted things out with some porn whilst I wished he could have waited a half hour for me to get back.

He says he is still attracted to me and I would know if he wasn't. He says he thought I was hot before we got together so I don't need to worry about that. He is flirty and does stuff like slaps my ass when he walks past.

He says I am worrying about nothing, that I am reading meaning into this that isn't there. Reiterates that sometimes it's just easier to sort himself out than go for the whole thing. Strangely he swears blind that we weren't hitting an "everyday" frequency a few months ago and thinks I am imagining that. He has also joked a few too many times recently that I am "obsessed" with sex.

I just honestly thought any guy would be over the moon to have a wife who is ready to go any day of the week and rarely if ever turns him down. I can't understand what's going on as we've never felt mismatched by way of drive before.


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## SimonLLL (Jan 29, 2012)

"...ready to go any day of the week" - 

Hmmmm. Most guys would think him a lucky fella.

But perhaps that's the problem. You're always up for it. He might like to have to chase you for it. 

Try not being so available. Yes, yes, I know he says he can take care of himself, but not helping him out might lead him to pursue you a little more.

There's a mental block here. You might have to throw a few ideas at the wall, STS, and see what sticks.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I think the only way you will find out why he is doing this is to change your behavior. Stop with the handi's and see what happens. There are so many possible reasons he prefers this now. A couple of things to keep in mind. A smart man is not going to tell you he's unhappy with some aspect of your sex life if he loves you and is committed to his family. You may be doing something he doesn't like. He knows that if he told you something like "I prefer sex after you shower" or " I really don't like your favorite position" or " It takes you too long to finish" or "Your too heavy to be on top now" you may become insecure and resent him for it forever. Men are a bit trapped when it come to this type of thing since most women don't respond well to frank honesty. You didn't talk about your situation much. Did you change physically over the years? My wife did and it has absolutely affected our sex life. I love her but I don't always have the right frame of mind to do what's necessary to get the job done so the frequency has gone down by at least 50%. Getting old sucks.....


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

You should be worried about any sudden changes in behavior like this. You need to insist that he stop taking care of himself. 

I will say tho, stress is a major boner killer. When I am stressed at work, it really interferes w/ desire. My wife works too so she understands.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Being less available works. It is difficult though because when I do that I feel like our sex life is down to him. Like he decides when we go or when we don't and I have to sit waiting until he decides.

I haven't let myself go. I'm a normal weight and not much different from when we married. Clean, healthy, open to any new or different stuff... 

The stress thing. I take this into account. Obviously not being a guy I can't *know* how it affects things but I understand it plays a part. He did say a few weeks ago that he realizes he gets so stressed from work that he takes it home with him and sits and worries and spends so much time doing that he doesn't do other stuff.

This last week there has been more action. He said a few days ago about me being tired and falling asleep on the sofa a lot (part of the issue: I wait up for him so we can go to bed together to be close, he insists on staying up late, I fall asleep eventually and he goes to bed without me.) He said I had to "make more of an effort", the tone was tongue in cheek but I sensed something underlying. I think he has noticed I have backed off. He is very used to me being quite open and ready to initiate and although I think he does like the chase, the irony is I know he also likes me being forward too.

Although this week has been good, I have noticed that I have closed off somewhat. Almost like I've dampened down my libido for fear of being rejected. This is huge for me because I have always had a high drive. I feel like I cannot be "me": being told I am "obsessed with sex" to want it maybe every other day really hurt. The stuff I want to do that he used to like or wants me to do (surprise him by dressing up in sexy lingerie, take charge and tie him up) I cannot bring myself to do because he has rejected me so much recently that I'd feel mortified to have gone to so much effort. I can't work him out at all on this.
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