# Met with EX, think I made a huge mistake, but confused



## ConfusedInMichigan

Been divorced for about a month. During separation, EX developed a repeating pattern. She would push the issue and get very close to me again, then go cold when we would get close. This would usually be followed by me ignoring her and the situation would repeat. We got divorced because we stopped trusting each other. She ALWAYS had to do whatever her mom told her to (even if that meant lying to me). I, admittedly, drank too much towards the end (even if that meant lying to her about drinking). She moved out. She filed.

Well for about the last week she had been texting me about needing a few items that were still in the garage (remember, legally those items are now mine as I kept the house). I ignored her texts. Finally, I got pissed and sent her back a few nasty texts. She followed these up by sending even more texts. These texts were overly pleasant, like I had never sent the means texts. I finally agreed to meet her and give her the items in a parking lot.

WOW! What an event. She cried the whole time. Asked if I still had the rings (which I too got to keep), I told her I sold them. She wanted to know why I didn't keep them in case we got back together. She also told me she no longer planned on changing her name back to her maiden name. Told me she missed me, the house, our pets. Said she was afraid that if one of us got sickwe wouldn't be able to visit the other one in the hospital (not sure what that one is all about). 

We both admitted that we were seeing other people. We also both admitted that our new relationships weren't as good as the one we had. 

The next day was followed by tons of texts both ways.

Now, I can tell she is distancing herself again. Her texts towards me are usually questions. If I don't respond she sends more. If I ask her questions she either doesn't reply or takes a long period of time.

Im positive I am a plan B for her (again, she told me she is seeing someone). To be honest, she is my plan B as well (although I admit the 3 women I have dated in the last month were kinda duds.)

So my question: Is this normal? Part of me thinks I should just completely ignore her. I really could take it or leave it when it comes to getting back with her. However, part of me thinks that we might be at the beginning stages of a legit reconciliation, which I don't think I am completely opposed to either.


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## PBear

Realistically, what has changed to make you think that reconciling was a good idea? Usually, there's a reason someone is an ex. And I suspect it's easy to forget the bad and only remember the good. But the bad is just waiting to come barreling back. 

C
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## PBear

Btw, I'm not saying not to reconcile. But why not date or take it really slow?

C
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## ConfusedInMichigan

yeah...thats the advice im seeking. I think that maybe dating/the marriage counseling would only be an option if she finally realized that I was gone. 

Meaning, should I go no contact for an extended period of time? I guess Im willing to take the risk of her finding someone she really likes during that time. But if she didn't, then, and only then, it might be the time to date. It feels like continuing on with this whole text, ignore, cycle isn't very helpful. I know what it feels like to be left (she moved out etc.) perhaps thats why I am open to this at this time. Part of me thinks she just hasn't fully had that feeling yet.

To be honest, I miss her...but, I when Im out with other women I don't find myself thinking about her. 

If she were really moved on emotionally Im not sure she would make all the comments about the rings, house, etc. (if you read some of my older posts you will see she has even threatened to kill herself since our divorce)I think she is confused. And I don't want to date someone that is confused. Maybe she needs to fear Im gone for good. If she moves on, so be it. However, maybe its the kick in the ass she needs to get out from under her mother's thumb. Im not going to sit around and be ignored by her whenever she feels we are getting to close (while admittedly, to see things from her perspective, I do a pretty good job of ignoring her for long periods of time as well...funny how we don't see it when we are the ones doing it. Ive gone a week before returning a text. I get pissed when she takes a few hours)


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## ConfusedInMichigan

to clarify my last comment: she ignores me whenever we get close. I ignore her when she has ignored me for getting close. I don't ignore her when we get close...if that makes sense...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Ignore her texts. Move on. Your ex is playing silly games with you. Don't fall for it. 

Work on yourself and your confidence before you get into a new relationship. No woman should ever be a plan B! Not even an ex. 

There will be other women to fall in love with. Just because there were a few duds doesn't mean they all will be a dud. You will eventually find another woman, but you need to cut all ties with your ex w before you date. 

I met my husband 5 years after my divorce. It was well worth the wait!


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## ConfusedInMichigan

I think you are probably right. Im going to go NC. It felt so much better the other times that I did it. All I know is that the first week is the easiest, the second the toughest, the third the funnest, the fourth the roughest. Usually by week 4 the *itch has said so much crazy stuff I respond. Damn I wish I could make it longer than a month!


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## PBear

My guess... She doesn't want anyone else to have what she's tossed aside (no offense). She probably doesn't realize it. And you... You're still "in love" with the relationship and good feelings. But her as a person? Not so much.

Just my armchair shrinking. 

C


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## ConfusedInMichigan

Pbear- i think you hit the nail on the head. I can only guees what she is thinking,but i think your analysis of me is correct. Today begins the first full day of NC. This time it feels different. Usually our NC would start after one of us said something negative or the conversion turned negative. It has actually been almost 24 hours since i heard from here. We were texting about the MC she had brought up. I texted her asking when she was going to make the apt. Never heard back. I really hope i.can sustain the NC this time. She usually gets me to cave around 3-4 weeks. Ill keep the board posted. I really would appreciate your help.
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## ConfusedInMichigan

Two days NC. Part of me prays she finds someone else new and i never hear from her again. Part of me misses her. Is this normal?
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## Lilly_Louise

im going to go out on a limb here and ask you, when she gets close to you do you fall back into old habbits? or do you 'let her in' tell her you have missed her and love her? maybe she needs to hear that? or if thats what you have been doing then maybe she needs to see the other side of you. the strong person, give her somthing to work for?


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## ConfusedInMichigan

When she visits, or we meet somewhere, we both talk about how much we miss each other. I try to compliment her on changes she is making to herself (she is in IC). She also compliments me on changes I have made (also in IC). We actually have a pretty good time and I wouldn't say any of our negative habits emerge. She has asked me if I thought I could compliment her more if we were to ever get back together. I tell her of course. She also says that she would be a better wife (more help around the house, cooking, etc.) if we were to ever get back together.

HOWEVER, I just posted the other day in a different thread about how after our latest visit (in which she bought presents over, cooked dinner, etc.) she became distant. My ex-MIL pretty much wrecked our marriage. The day after this most recent visit she was getting together with her mother...Im not sure what conversation unfolded between the two...but its clear to me that something had to have been said from the ex-MIL which is causing this distant behavior.

ANYWAY, back to your point...she is definetely going to see the tougher side of me now because Ive decided to cut her out of my life after this most recent event. Its either headed one of two places now...Ill never see her again (Im ok with that) or she will get the kick in the ass to stop being a momma's girl (Im ok with that too).

Time will tell, but Im done with this craziness for now. No adult woman should be so controlled by her mother.


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## geek down

ConfusedInMichigan said:


> to clarify my last comment: she ignores me whenever we get close. I ignore her when she has ignored me for getting close. I don't ignore her when we get close...if that makes sense...


Do you really want to get on this ride again????


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## YupItsMe

If you are considering a r then call her on her pattern and ask for an explanation. If it isnt a good one and she refuses to accept ceasing that then blow her off and move on. 

If she gives a solid answer and agrees to stop then give it a whirl.

The grass is greener until you jump the fence then not so much,. She has found that out. 

It is clear you are the options open guy. If she wants to R then she hasnt earned it. A xhange is needed that is clear to you.


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## InOverMyHeart

Glad I read your thread. It really helps to understand my husbands' perspective. I admit, I behave nothing like your wife, I am wide open! Almost to a fault, and it really does hurt terribly. But, I realize this is what he needs. Some consistancy on my part. I hope she comes to her senses, she really should cut everyone out of her life that isn't for the two of you. It's the only way she can focus on her marriage if that's what she wants.


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