# First Time Poster.....Please help.....



## summertrek (Dec 4, 2013)

This is the first time I have ever posted anywhere for outside opinions and/or help. I don’t want to be long winded because I want people to actually read this.
I will try to say a lot quickly. Okay. Our marriage is reaching the 25 year mark in December. We have four children. Two dependent, two old enough to be non-dependent but still look to us for some things. Husband is an alcoholic. He was when I married him. Back then, I just didn't see it as anything bad. But alcoholism progresses, and as many A do, I take the brunt of blame for his problem. 
I have worked the same job since we have lived in this state (14 years). I am a waitress at a small restaurant, but manage to make enough to basically support the family. Husband works as self- employed and does contribute, but nearly all the money comes from my job. 
Here’s the thing. During my five nights of work, my husband was “sitting alone” (even though the two youngest children are at home) “lonely, with nothing to do but drink and listen to crappy music.” During much of this time, he would concoct things in his head. Why was I doing this to him? Why was I leaving him miserable when he hates this place and my job so much? He even believed that something at my job was preventing me from leaving it, so suddenly, the boss and I are having a lesbian affair and I am in love with her. He would confront me with some of the most despicable thoughts when I got home from work. He was obviously drunk as he would text me all night. I have received plenty of verbal abuse over the years and some of it was directed towards the children also. So basically one terrible night, he planned on a fight when I returned from work. Things escalated quickly, so after threatening to call the police so many times but never doing it out of fear, I dialed 911 and didn’t say anything because I knew they would come. He was arrested in the home for assault on a female. It’s not over yet (two postponements so far) because he admitted he had a problem and what they want is for him to seek treatment. He had an assessment from an alcohol counselor (who basically told him that if he is not happy here to change it or things would never change). Then went to two AA meetings and a 3 day rapid detox and left AMA. They wanted him to do the 28 day detox. I think the courts would have like that too.
Well, the day after detox, we fought. He left the home and went to his brother’s home 30 miles away, our first separation ever during this entire marriage. We fought via text and phone calls and then decided that we should try to fix things since we were married before the eyes of God. We had a date alone at his brothers. It was good and bad. I know he likes to be there because no one there will ever say anything to him about his drinking. He feels like he isn't the only one that needs to change. He feels like if he gives up alcohol then I should also give up something to please him. Basically he has given me an ultimatum. He wants me to leave my job and my home. Okay. Well, how do you do that without money to move on, or a place to move to, or a job that would pay even half of what I make now. 
Feel free to address absolutely anything from this that you derive. I need emotional help. I know about AL Anon but have not attended. Thanks in advance for your responses.
Summertrek


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Knowing about Al Anon but not going is doing you no good. I think you may be well served to go to a few meetings and just listen. The people in Al Anon can help you.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

He is in no position to demand anything from you. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are talking to his disease not the person you love. It takes around 90 days of complete abstinence of all mind altering chemicals before the neurotransmitters even begin to come back to normal levels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Your not the one that needs to change anything, I wouldn't give up my job and security for a abusive alcoholic. He needs to stop drinking and change, you can't do that for him and the only thing he should be promised is if he doesn't he might be by himself.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Agreed, you are the one supporting the family, his demands make no sense.

why would he ask you to leave home? 

you can not give up your job, is he is that afraid of an affair that is happening in his head you can reasure him total transparency:

- Acces to your phone.
- FB, mail and skype passwords.
- alls when arriving and when leaving work.
- calls if you have to do an additional errand.

but to be honest this is for people who had actually cheated, but if you are okey with it and is going to be both ways, you can implement it to help to easy his worries.

In the end, the true is that he is the one who should be grateful for a second chance, but I know love is blind an eve with those defects you probably want your family together, just be firm, explain him why you can't leace your job unless you found something as good in income as the one you are right now and offer him the full transparency politic.

and again, why he want you to leave the home? that I just can't not justify


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