# Husband won't seperate



## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

Husband and I have been together 6.5 years, married 5 with a 4 year old son. We've spent the last 5 years building our business and its been stressful. Long story short:

-We fight over sleep a lot. (I have sleep problems and he works 3rd shift)
-We fight over money and building our business.
- He's a hypocritical ass and I'm a ***** with a temper.
- He's not affectionate towards me at all until he wants sex.He gets mad when I turn him down.. and to piss me off he goes and takes a nap (See bullet #1).
-I've caught him in multiple lies about finances and a few other things.
- After 6 years, you'd think he would learn I don't appreciate his jokes when I'm in a bad mood.. (for example: I'll ask him to pick up dog food on his way home.. I'll ask him for it when he gets home and he'll tell me he forgot when he actually remembered)

A year and a half ago, we hit an all time low and didn't talk for a week. We basically separated but lived in the same (but large) house. I went out drinking with friends to blow off steam and ended up getting really drunk and made out with my best guy friend (who was also his best guy friend). The guy friend was a long time friend and whom I"M NOT ATTRACTED TO AT ALL.. I was sad, drunk and he was there. period. 

I told my husband, we had a giant fight, made up and our relationship was AWESOME for the following year. He was more affectionate and we had more sex.. didn't fight nearly as much. Well, its worn off and we are back to fighting like cats and dogs. We recently moved into a new but much smaller home. We need a break (because we can't avoid each other) and I'd like him to go stay with that friend for a week who lives 3 minutes away and he won't leave. What do I do?!? I work out of our home (no its not something I can take with me) and it would be extremely inappropriate for me to go stay with the friend even though I know nothing would happen.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You can't work it out if you are separate. I never say this on here but you both need counseling. Anyway, sounds like a power struggle to me. You know you can't both be the leader of the house right?


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

We can't afford counseling. I would LOVE to go although I know he wouldn't care for it. I'd love to go even if he didn't but we still can't afford it right now or anytime soon. We are paying two mortgages and just put our other house on the market.

My thought is he can do whatever he wants for a week. He says he's burnt out. He can get a taste of how it would be if we were no longer together... Shared custody... not seeing our son a few days a week and see if its worth it or not. If he doesn't like it, then he needs to try harder to work things out with me.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

cashybum said:


> We can't afford counseling. I would LOVE to go although I know he wouldn't care for it. I'd love to go even if he didn't but we still can't afford it right now or anytime soon. We are paying two mortgages and just put our other house on the market.
> 
> My thought is he can do whatever he wants for a week. He says he's burnt out. He can get a taste of how it would be if we were no longer together... Shared custody... not seeing our son a few days a week and see if its worth it or not. *If he doesn't like it, then he needs to try harder to work things out with me.*


I don't know the whole story, but that sentence caught my attention. Keep in mind that it takes two to tango. Marriage is a team activity. Make sure you work with him... if you want your marriage to endure.


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

I do try. ) I may be a ***** but I'm also the affectionate one in our relationship. I will try to sit close to him.. or go sit in his lap and kiss him during commercial break... and he wants no part of it unless sex is the end game. He'll say "stop you're making me horny".


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

Communication is important for all relationships and it seems you two are on different pages. I really don't like compromises, there never is a 50/50 split. Someone will undoubtedly feel shortchanged. IMO you both want and neither should be denied. Ideally, he should be responsive to your affectionate wants/needs and you should be receptive of his. No compromises, he feels completely loved and you feel completely loved. Then, he will find joy in making you happy and viceversa. Ideally, I know... but I feel compromises aren't beneficial. 

You mentioned counseling isn't an option, due to finances... but have you tried any books for a different perspective? Have you read "the 5 love languages"? Many on the site recommend it and I do, as well. "His needs her needs" is another one. I haven't read it yet, but I've seen it praised.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One approach is for right now both of you treat each other according to the 180 link in my signature block below.

Then get the books for building a passionate marriage (see links in my signature bock below) and work through them together. Basically it's counseling with the high paid person. 

If you are both committed to stop the arguing and work on things then you can fix this.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sleep problems: They are your problems. Why is he taking blame for your problem? That's the heart of many marital problems, i.e. the husband is always in the wrong.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You only have one friend? If you want the separation, maybe YOU should be the one to move out and be inconvenienced for a week.

C


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

cashybum said:


> I'd like him to go stay with that friend for a week who lives 3 minutes away and he won't leave.


You want him to leave and go stay with the guy you made out with? Wow. If I were him I'd plant my feet and tell you to leave if you want a break.

Sorry...but I wouldn't go anywhere in that scenario. I think it's the defacto standard that the person wanting the separation or divorce is the one to leave.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

I think you're out of your friggin mind. You show so little remorse and responsibility for making out with that guy that it's comical. If I was your husband I would want nothing to do with either one of you. If you want some time apart than you leave.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Take ownership of the situation. If you really feel this way, don't put it on him. Be a big girl and move out.

Or, stay and work on your marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you still in contact with this "best friend" (who you made out with?)

I'm with PBear--if you want a separation, leave and file papework. Why should he have to uproot his life to accomodate you?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

cashybum said:


> Husband and I have been together 6.5 years, married 5 with a 4 year old son. We've spent the last 5 years building our business and its been stressful. Long story short:
> 
> -We fight over sleep a lot. (I have sleep problems and he works 3rd shift)
> -We fight over money and building our business.
> ...


Stop fighting. Your son will be happier.

I would not leave my home & my son.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If you want a separation then leave.

I don`t see the problem.

Personally I think you should just get the divorce, you sound miserable and he can`t be much better off.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

cashybum said:


> My thought is he can do whatever he wants for a week. He says he's burnt out. He can get a taste of how it would be if we were no longer together...


Careful there... what if he comes back and says "Boy, that was the greatest week I've had in a ling time. Here's the divorce papers."


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

We have all been best friends for 6 years and have got past all of that. They were friends before me. I don't want to legally separate.. I wanted him to take a break from us so that he can figure out if it's what he wants still. 

I can't leave my job at my house.


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