# It just hurts so much



## crazydaisy (Aug 3, 2015)

This is long...I'm sorry!
My husband I will be married for 12 years next month. We met when I was 12 and he was 14. It was up and down for us even back then. We went to different schools and came from different backgrounds. We broke up often... After he graduated high school and had some fun, he decided he wanted to move back to his home state of texas...he came to rope me in the day that he was leaving......I skipped school and spent the whole day with him. I knew I was being stupid.... but I felt so desperate, I had missed him so much. I agreed to be his again, long distance...and to move to tx when I graduated....my mom knew how miserable it was...i guess she thought that if i could be with him, it would fix it. She allowed me to graduate year and a half early and move in with him in Texas when I was 16 . We got married at 17 &19. I knew it wasn't right even back then...but i wanted to escape...i wanted someone to love....and someone to love me. It was a sick kind of love to start with. It was never-ever healthy...not even when we were teenagers. But it got real when I moved in.... I realized quickly to walk on eggshells, and do my best to be perfect. It started right away...him freaking out on me for not closing the door all the way, yelling at me until i was in tears over stupid stuff. Calling me stupid...telling me I needed to pull my head out of my ass... There was some physical abuse too...but I fought back...so I'm not innocent. I didn't grow up that way though...I knew it was wrong. But i felt trapped....so so trapped....and I desperately wanted to make it work. We had our first daughter in 2004. My husband started working out of town shortly after she was born.... he would be gone mon morning-thurs night. I didn't sign up for that. I never knew that was part of the deal or maybe I wouldn't have moved 600 miles away from all my family and friends. He hid things from me...did drugs behind my back...lied about it. Went to nudey bars...lied about it. I don't really know what all he did behind my back...and lied about....and i really don't want to. He was having fun. It provided him a second life in which he didn't have to be a responsible grown up. It sucked for me.....immensely. I was so unhappy. I was just a kid, trying to work and raise a kid....trying to pretend I was fine. But I wasn't. I wasn't fine at all and I knew I wasn't...but I kept keeping on. I missed my family....i missed having a life....but i just kept going.... i had our next daughter in 2007. That's when it got even worse. I put my foot down...I was depressed...tired of him refusing to get a job closer to home..tired of the lies and him sniffing cocaine up his nose. I went home for a while and stayed with my parents....he showed up 6 weeks later to get me.... looking like he'd been on a 6 wk coke binge. Things continued to just stay the same for a while..... and then finally, one day, something clicked and he stopped. Things got better. He stopped doing drugs...he stopped being so mean....he made me feel loved. I got pregnant with out son in 2008. He was extremely good to me throughout my pregnancy. He ended up getting laid off towards the end of it...and I asked if we could move back home...where I'm from, where we'd met. We moved back and lived there for nearly 3 years. It was horrible. we fought constantly...he worked for my family which made it all worse. He got mad if i wanted to spend time with them or "chose" them over him. He was controlling. He would start griping as soon as he got up in the morning...about anything and everything. I ended up having an emotional affair with his best friend. Never anything physical...i never wanted to be with him.... but he pretended to care and made me feel good....It was an escape...someone telling me I was worth something....and I allowed it. I felt myself come alive and die all at the same time. It lasted 3 months. I got caught. I owned up to it. My husband took my phone and my keys away...it was horrible. i felt like a hostage....he called me every name in the book...made crazy threats...scared the crap out of me and the kids....wouldn't let me leave.... it was that way for a few days...and then it started to seem like it would get better. I went back to work and so did he. He was still hurt, and still controlling, but I just wanted to fix the damage I had caused....never disappoint him like that again. I tried so hard. It was rarely ever good enough....but I wanted it to be so bad. In 2013, we made the decision to move back to Texas. He was back in his element....around his family. Everything went further to ****. He was drunk nearly everyday...being a bigger jerk than ever...and feeling more justified in it that ever. I trapped myself....again. I really don't know why I go on, knowing better. Why do people do that? Anyways, we lived across the street from his dad... he would go over there when he got off work, get drunk, do whatever he wanted....and come home to sleep....it was that way everyday....and on the weekends, he was golfing, hunting, and doing whatever he wanted. I was working full time, taking care of 3 kids by myself and spending my time alone and feeling isolated. So we fought all the time....i threatened to leave constantly.... it just got worse and worse. Our baby girl came into our lives in May... it's a long story for another day..life was already changing...i was stressed....i was sad...i felt alone..... overwhelmed. And then, my world stopped spinning. In June of 2014, he left me. He was talking to a girl from high school.... 600 miles away....telling her he wanted a life with her...promising her the world...telling her that her kids would fit in perfect with his. Telling her complete lies and badmouthing me to her. Telling her all the things that I craved to hear from him... it was horrible...fricken horrible. I know her, so I got in touch with her....she sent me screen shots of more than I wanted to know. It sucked. I thought my heart was literally going to explode. I hated myself. I hated him. I couldn't believe that he was doing this to me. I did what I did and I was sorry. I didn't leave him....I didn't ever badmouth him. I didn't dish out compliments and promises of a future together. I wanted to die. He gave me no explanation, no I'm sorry, no nothing...just acted like a compeltelty different person.... was Mr. Perfect all the sudden with the kids...making me out to be crazy. He wouldn't even talk to me. He just left me...alone. To cry and puke and scream and beg. I started to get better by the 2nd day. I decied he wasn't worth it. Never had been. I was finding my strength. She backed off from him 4 days later and quit talking to him. He begged her to talk to him...to be with him...to move to texas. She sent me the screen shots of it all.... But she didn't respond....so guess what? He showed up on my doorstep....when i was finally pulling myself together...seeing him for what he really was. He showed up and and he was sorry. Sobbing and begging for forgivnace. I said no at first...but of course I broke. I let him back. I belived all his empty promises and wanted so much to belive that he saw how much he'd hurt me. Not just with that...but our whole marriage. There's not a day that goes by since then that I don't wish that I 'd have stayed strong and said no. He swore it would never happen again.... and then it all came crashing down. I found out that he had found her on OUR WEDDING NIGHT. After he dumped me off with a friend bc i was pregnant and he wanted to go party..he went and picked her up and they drove around making out for hours.... he wanted to do more she said...but she said no. She told me she had no idea we were married...he told her we'd broken up when he moved to texas. Talk about a slap in the face. Feeling like a fool. Wanting to kill him. Wanting to run as far away as I could....it was like an array of every emotion that can be felt went through me at that momeny. I went crazy. He was gonna pay for this. I threw his stuff in the yard and locked him out of the house.....told him to leave, I didn't want him anymore. He made a scene and scared the kids going from window to window banging on them and screaming until i let him in. he tried to deny it and realized he couldn't....he made promises he never planned to keep... to my knowledge, he's never physically cheated on me, as in having sex with another woman....but he has emotionally plenty of times...he was signed up on dating sites for married men 2 months later... His reasoning was bc i was different. bc i was so mad at him. that was his fu*#[email protected]#*excuse. since last october, i've not caught him in any cheating lies. but, he continues to be a ****. talk to me like i'm trash....drink too much and yell and scream and act like a tyrant. I'm sick of it. I can't keep doing this. I feel so so so guilty about the kids. This is NOT right. He's not all bad, but he's bad for me. This past weekend was the last straw...he treated me like total **** at his family reunion like he does every year. He has too much to drink and turns into a completely different person. Starting a fight with me, every. single.time. For nothing at all usually.... It's humiliating. I told him i was done... i asked him to leave...and for once he did. This is the only time that he's left when I asked him to. It's so hard. I'm in love with a dream i think. With what I wish we were. He's been gone for one night and i feel like i'm close to giving in. I feel like I want to believe the lies, when I KNOW from experience that that's all they are. Just words to get him back in. I don't even know what I'm going to do. I have 4 kids at home 24/7 bc I chose to homeschool. I can't homeschool them and work full-time...not unless i'm gonna be exhausted all the time. I have no family here....no support system. All of his family is here.... When he's left me in the past....or we had a big blow up for whatever reason...he would badmouth me to them...try to rally people on his side. I'm sure if I go through with this, he will do that again. So i really feel so alone...so sad. So broken. He acts like this is undeserved and unexpected. Like he's not that bad....none of this is all that bad. He says he will change. He throws the kids up in my face and tries to make me the bad guy. So why should I believe he's sorry and he will change? he's just sorry that I'm sick of it and his free ride is over. But I don't know if I can do this on my own. I know I need to find a job, a house i can afford on my own... etc. but right now, I feel stunned.... like I can't move forward. I want to just give in...let him come home....but I know with everything in me that's not what I need to do. That's not what's best for the kids, or him, or me. I need advice.... i need to know this will get better...i wish someone would just tell me what to do.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

What state is your family or support system in? He will never change and any man that treats his wife that way, whether drunk or not, doesn't deserve to have one. I would tell him you want a divorce and tell him good luck with paying child support for 4 kids. I hope he's enjoyed all of his running around on you, because he won't have a pot left to pee in.

How old are your kids? If they are old enough to understand what is going on, then defend yourself to them. Too many spouses let their husbands/wives take the fall in their kids' eyes, because they are screw ups.

I do think you are in love with the idea and not the person. I was confused on the two for years myself, but you will never have what you want, if you stay with what you don't want and you have to take charge now. He thinks he has you backed into a corner, since it's just him and his family and you will just surrender. Does his family have any clue about his cheating ways and crappy behaviors?

Don't waste another minute on this, forge a plan and put it behind you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are both abusing each other and the children are the victims caught in the middle of your madness.

You need to come up with a plan and get some stability in your life. Do you have a job or any financial means?
You and be both sound emotionally battered and probably need some individual professional help first of all.
Then go to marriage counselling to see if you can learn to communicate better your needs to one another. YOu have both 'cheated' on one another. If you want the marriage to work for the kids sake you need outside professional help


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