# No sex... where to from here?



## Mik-2 (May 15, 2021)

I am a 50+ M, happily married for many years (and by 'happily' I mean we still laugh with each other, spend time together, try to make life easier for each other, etc). Only downside is that due to low level ongoing depression medication I struggle with sex - drive is there, but no ejaculation. Masturbation usually is ok. As a result we have not had sex for a number of years. Recently, when I said we should try again she was reluctant... granted, sex was never important to her. This makes me think she prefers it this way, with no sex. I miss the sex though, very much. I find myself often considering alternative options - but the risk of that causing our relationship to be damaged worries me. Just mentioning to her that I am considering this will damage our relationship. Thoughts? Also from women, pls...


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Mik-2 said:


> I am a 50+ M, happily married for many years (and by 'happily' I mean we still laugh with each other, spend time together, try to make life easier for each other, etc). Only downside is that due to low level ongoing depression medication I struggle with sex - drive is there, but no ejaculation. Masturbation usually is ok. As a result we have not had sex for a number of years. Recently, when I said we should try again she was reluctant... granted, sex was never important to her. This makes me think she prefers it this way, with no sex. I miss the sex though, very much. I find myself often considering alternative options - but the risk of that causing our relationship to be damaged worries me. Just mentioning to her that I am considering this will damage our relationship. Thoughts? Also from women, pls...


What do you mean by alternative options? Can you be more explicit? 

Do you mean giving and receiving pleasure without penetration. Or do you mean opening up the marriage for a third party or parties to come in?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Mik-2 said:


> I am a 50+ M, happily married for many years (and by 'happily' I mean we still laugh with each other, spend time together, try to make life easier for each other, etc). Only downside is that due to low level ongoing depression medication I struggle with sex - drive is there, but no ejaculation. Masturbation usually is ok. As a result we have not had sex for a number of years. Recently, when I said we should try again she was reluctant... granted, sex was never important to her. This makes me think she prefers it this way, with no sex. I miss the sex though, very much. I find myself often considering alternative options - but the risk of that causing our relationship to be damaged worries me. Just mentioning to her that I am considering this will damage our relationship. Thoughts? Also from women, pls...


What do you mean by alternative options? Can you be more explicit? 

Do you mean giving and receiving pleasure without penetration. Or do you mean opening up the marriage for a third party or parties to come in?


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## Mik-2 (May 15, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> What do you mean by alternative options? Can you be more explicit?
> 
> Do you mean giving and receiving pleasure without penetration. Or do you mean opening up the marriage for a third party or parties to come in?
> [/QUOTE
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mik-2 said:


> I am a 50+ M, happily married for many years (and by 'happily' I mean we still laugh with each other, spend time together, try to make life easier for each other, etc). Only downside is that due to low level ongoing depression medication I struggle with sex - drive is there, but no ejaculation. Masturbation usually is ok. As a result we have not had sex for a number of years. Recently, when I said we should try again she was reluctant... granted, sex was never important to her. This makes me think she prefers it this way, with no sex. I miss the sex though, very much. I find myself often considering alternative options - but the risk of that causing our relationship to be damaged worries me. Just mentioning to her that I am considering this will damage our relationship. Thoughts? Also from women, pls...


Be straight with her. You are needing some lady cake and she is your lady.

Marriages need worked on even at our age.😉


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

So you think that a new sexual partner will get you to have a full erection again? 

The depression is causing you to seek outside solutions to your internal pollution. 

Is there anyway your doctor can switch the meds so that you don't have erectile dysfunction issues? Have your testosterone levels been checked? 

It is very normal for males to start losing testosterone after age 40. It declines more and more each year. 

Having an affair will devastate your wife and probably end your marriage.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Are you craving an affair more than you are craving your wife at the moment?

You say that you spoke to her, but she was reluctant to try again with you.
I think you will need more than one conversation about this though if you do want intimacy with your wife again.
At the moment you only "think" she prefers it this way.
And that sounds like you taking that as your starting point for an affair.

Your wife may also be going through menopause or post menopause, so may have her own issues, like you have yours, or also be medicated in some way that affects her libido.

Sex doesn't need to be PIV or include orgasm, something like karezza might work for you as a couple to get a physical connection. Short contact first if your wife isn't ready for a long session with you.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

How long have you been craving sex and how long has it been that you had this talk with your wife?

I would definitely try to get her to understand your needs. Oral sex can still be performed by both of you. Believe me that if you don't tell her in no uncertain terms that you need intimacy with her. If she tells you know again, then you need to decide if her no is not good enough for you. 

Be honest and tell her that these years without sex have made you want to step out of the marriage to get it on the side. You don't want to do this, but sex is a necessity for you.

I hope she wants to be intimate with you again. It would be a shame that you don't get your needs met, or you two end up separating.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Mik, you need to have a VERY SERIOUS sit down with your wife and ask her if she is going to refuse sex to you from here on out. And if she answers in the affirmative, than you ask her "_Do you expect me to live out the rest of my life without sex?_". What this does is indirectly show her that the life that she is attempting to doom you to, is selfish, not realistic and a deal breaker. It forces her to see that it is ridiculous for her to expect you to live your life as a priest.

If she is responsive to your frustration, then you two can work together to compromise and figure what you both need and require to help the other be sexually interested; whether it be more intimacy, counseling, weight loss (ie. making oneself more physically attractive), medication aids, etc. However, if she flat out refuses, and will not work with you, then you need to make the decision to either A)live the remainder of your life as a priest, or B) begin preparations for a divorce, so that you can go about finding a spouse that WILL fulfill your needs.

Cheating on your wife, is way, WAY worse of an act, than she is doing to you by denying you sex. Why even be married to her then? Because all of that talk of being "_happily married for many years (and by 'happily' I mean we still laugh with each other, spend time together, try to make life easier for each other, etc)_" is then, all a lie. Would you be ok with her having an affair behind your back? Probably not, which would make you an enormous hypocrite.

And then there is the practical problems, like contracting an STD or possibly knocking up an affair partner. Either way, affairs also have a very ugly habit of surfacing in ways that you never expect and you will probably get caught.

Talk to her and rationalize with her. If all else fails, divorce her, before you go banging any strange. That is what a real man would do.


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## K3itty (May 12, 2021)

Are you both fit and healthy or do you want to improve physically? Feeling good, looking good does a lot to boost libido. Definitely make sure your wife understands how serious this is to you. How long have you guys tried to fix this problem? If it's been a long time and you've both tried everything, then yeah talk about an ethical non-monogamous relationship. Everything is about clear communication and respect.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Bibi1031 said:


> So you think that a new sexual partner will get you to have a full erection again?


He gets an erection... he can't ejaculate during sex, but he can with masturbation. He would like to try sex again, but his wife, after years of no sex and in her 50s, I assume, is happy with the status quo. 
OP, I doubt you'll get anywhere now with your wife. Also, you want to have an extramarital affair when you can't come during sex? I bet your new partner would be very happy about that. Silly idea.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I know a guy who is in a similar situation...He chose the path of a sex worker....According to him, things are working great..She has no desire to blow up his life and he gets that part of his life in order..I'm not saying do the same thing, just wanted to relay that info...

I don't know what advice to give...If you stay, you will basically have to beat your wife over the head to get what will amount to pity/duty sex....probably very infrequent at best.. If you leave, then you blow your life up for who knows what you wind up with and you are leaving what is otherwise a very good and happy relationship...You are like a rat in a maze with no way to get to the treat...

I guess you can first try to work on your own issue by dealing with the depression by natural means(I am a big proponent of stuff like vigorous exercise, the outdoors, and music, etc) all as forms of dealing with depression and other psychological challenges...Meds do more harm than good, IMO, and should only really be considered as a last resort.. I guess the only thing there is even if you resolve those issues, you still won't likely get your wife to come around...I know the others suggested it, but I am not a fan of cornering someone about this...Either they are enthusiastic participants or I have no desire to counsel, nag, coerce, threaten etc...No way...

I wish you well..


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Mik-2 said:


> Just mentioning to her that I am considering this will damage our relationship. Thoughts?


Well yeah...

If she doesn’t want to do PIV or can’t but she really does love you it shouldn’t be a problem for her to jerk you off. 

If you’re like me you can use it as a temporary patch while you work on getting back to regular PIV.

For me there was no point in trying to outsource sex. 

If a woman doesn’t want to be with me physically with PIV then no matter how great we get along, what hobbies we share, what good times we had; she is rejecting something very important that I need from her and I realized I’d rather just start again.

Fortunately in my case that didn’t happen and I had insane hot crazy monkey sex with my wife last night.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Why don't you try and ween off the depression meds? Get active, try some natural remedies (cutting sugar or gluten), and eat less processed foods (I know a lot of people swear by this type of stuff for anxiety and depression. Go investigate and talk to people at your local natural/organic grocer).

Why talk to your wife about it?... just go up and woo her with some dinner, flowers, and wine... see what happens. If it doesn't work first time, just fake it so she doesn't feel bad so she'll be up for continuing it.

If you're on porn- throw it out. This is the all time worst marriage wrecker (after drugs/alcohol).


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Duty sex is better than no sex. She should be willing to accommodate your needs. If you were disabled and bedridden, would you wipe your butt for you if you couldn't do it? I'd bet she would. Having sex should be much less of a duty. If she agrees and can't progress from duty sex, you have a bigger decision to make. At least exhaust all of your options before you have an affair.

Are you having any erection issues? Are you unable to ejaculate or are you unable to have an orgasm with PIV? You don't have to ejaculate to have an orgasm. Have you been checked for prostate issues that can interfere with ejaculation?


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## Cajun (May 12, 2021)

I can relate. Any attempt at insertion causes extreme pain for my wife and she has totally lost her libido. I told her I actually wished men would go through menopause like women so we could stop having the drive and desires. I've resorted to the "internet" (if you know what I mean). My wife, though she's not too thrilled about it, has accepted this as being better than the alternative. It replaces "sex" but it doesn't replace "making love". That's what I miss so, so much, the closeness we achieved when truly making love. So sex has become a very lonely pursuit. I achieve orgasm that satisfies my craving but each time, I immediately go into depression afterwards because of the loneliness and meaningless of it. We attempt, at times, to have her involved but in most cases I can't achieve orgasm. My mind wanders with concerns about her comfort, or her demeanor about it, or my longing for the old days. So I don't have answers other than...you're not in the boat alone.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Cajun said:


> I can relate. Any attempt at insertion causes extreme pain for my wife and she has totally lost her libido. I told her I actually wished men would go through menopause like women so we could stop having the drive and desires. I've resorted to the "internet" (if you know what I mean). My wife, though she's not too thrilled about it, has accepted this as being better than the alternative. It replaces "sex" but it doesn't replace "making love". That's what I miss so, so much, the closeness we achieved when truly making love. So sex has become a very lonely pursuit. I achieve orgasm that satisfies my craving but each time, I immediately go into depression afterwards because of the loneliness and meaningless of it. We attempt, at times, to have her involved but in most cases I can't achieve orgasm. My mind wanders with concerns about her comfort, or her demeanor about it, or my longing for the old days. So I don't have answers other than...you're not in the boat alone.


Making love doesn't have to include PIV at all.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mik-2 said:


> I am a 50+ M, happily married for many years (and by 'happily' I mean we still laugh with each other, spend time together, try to make life easier for each other, etc). Only downside is that due to low level ongoing depression medication I struggle with sex - drive is there, but no ejaculation. Masturbation usually is ok. As a result we have not had sex for a number of years. Recently, when I said we should try again she was reluctant... granted, sex was never important to her. This makes me think she prefers it this way, with no sex. I miss the sex though, very much. I find myself often considering alternative options - but the risk of that causing our relationship to be damaged worries me. Just mentioning to her that I am considering this will damage our relationship. Thoughts? Also from women, pls...


I am unclear about what actually happened with your sex life over the past few years...are you saying that you have not had sex for a number of years because of YOU, and your lack of engaging in sex because you couldn't orgasm? Did YOU back off from a mutual sex life with her because of your libido and performance issues? Have you had any discussions about that with her from the start of those issues...did you ever try anything else besides stopping sex? If your only problem was orgasming, why did you allow all sexual contact to stop?

You THINK she prefers no sex...have you ever ASKED her??

Also, why do you think you are more easily able to masturbate to orgasm than with sex? Were you using porn when you started having that problem?

You haven't really given enough detail about how your sex life disappeared for anyone to be able to give accurate advice about whether alternative options would be helpful for you. From what you've posted, it sounds like you have no where near the communication skills needed to navigate an open relationship. Are you even talking about ethical non-monogamy?

And what other work have you done on your sex life with your wife before wanting to jump right away into "alternative options"?? 

I have to be honest -- if my husband stopped wanting sex with me, and then tried to bring it back after YEARS, I would also be reluctant...maybe she IS happier without sex, but maybe she also doesn't trust you after you haven't wanted her all this time. Maybe she was really resentful and unhappy that her sex life ended years ago, but she stayed and loved you anyway. Or maybe not. 

You need to come back and give more details.


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## Amomwithcamera (Dec 18, 2020)

well, I am on the same boat as you are. Sex is more me getting down on him. and it is done. I am at the point where if my husband initiate it, I dont think I'll go for it. it is just too much rejection and resentment there. If you can talk about it, then it is good. sadly in my case, he refuse to talk about it


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Mik-2.

I was in a sex starved marriage and it emotionally hurt. I didn't have any libido busting drug problems or ED, but it still emotionally hurt.

My advice is talk to your wife and tell her that the two of you need to see a marriage counselor. In particular sex therapists are marriage counselor with extra training in sexual problems. Your marriage has some serious sexual problems that have probably turned into psychological and emotional problems between you and your wife.

The cost of a good Sex Therapist is a lot less expensive than the cost of two good divorce attorneys.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Cajun said:


> I can relate. Any attempt at insertion causes extreme pain for my wife and she has totally lost her libido. I told her I actually wished men would go through menopause like women so we could stop having the drive and desires. I've resorted to the "internet" (if you know what I mean). My wife, though she's not too thrilled about it, has accepted this as being better than the alternative. It replaces "sex" but it doesn't replace "making love". That's what I miss so, so much, the closeness we achieved when truly making love. So sex has become a very lonely pursuit. I achieve orgasm that satisfies my craving but each time, I immediately go into depression afterwards because of the loneliness and meaningless of it. We attempt, at times, to have her involved but in most cases I can't achieve orgasm. My mind wanders with concerns about her comfort, or her demeanor about it, or my longing for the old days. So I don't have answers other than...you're not in the boat alone.


She can probably fix her pain issues with HRT therapy. My wife used to have pain. After hysterectomy and getting on HRT it is gone and she is always game. Physical intimacy is important to both of us thankfully. If my wife chose to withhold from me it is a deal breaker that i consider sexually immoral. I have also told her if i became impotent, i would have implant surgery to fix the issue.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> are you saying that you have not had sex for a number of years because of YOU, and your lack of engaging in sex because you couldn't orgasm? Did YOU back off from a mutual sex life with her because of your libido and performance issues? Have you had any discussions about that with her from the start of those issues...did you ever try anything else besides stopping sex? If your only problem was orgasming, why did you allow all sexual contact to stop?
> 
> You THINK she prefers no sex...have you ever ASKED her??


I had the same thoughts. I'd also ask about masturbation. Sounds like OP does it way too much and too hard, which is why he doesn't seem to get enough stimulation from normal sex with partner to ejaculate.

OP, I don't think it's fair for you to put all this on your wife. *It's possible that you may have created these issues, yet you are looking to cheat. If so, maybe stop trying to take the easy way out.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

theloveofmylife said:


> I had the same thoughts. I'd also ask about masturbation. Sounds like OP does it way too much and too hard, which is why he doesn't seem to get enough stimulation from normal sex with partner to ejaculate.


I've been on antidepressants... I could definitely have an orgasm masturbating, but not with sex. I guess it depends on the physical stimulation. With masturbation, you can be more precise, applying pressure where you need it most.


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## Cajun (May 12, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Making love doesn't have to include PIV at all.


I'm new here and having to somewhat guess on the acronyms. I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Cajun said:


> I'm new here and having to somewhat guess on the acronyms. I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.


PIV is Penis In Vagina.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Sfort said:


> *Duty sex is better than no sex.* She should be willing to accommodate your needs. If you were disabled and bedridden, would you wipe your butt for you if you couldn't do it? I'd bet she would. Having sex should be much less of a duty. If can interfere with ejaculation?


No,,,not for me it isn't....And I presume a lot of others....

Saying duty sex is better than no sex is equivalent to saying its better for a guy to be an orbiter or ****, than to have no female attention at all...I'd never want to or be compelled to give sex to a woman I didn't want to(I have been in that situation before), and wouldn't want the opposite either....Sex isn't like a bodily function, the emotions involved with real sexual attraction are very complex and if they aren't there and it's clearly not what the person willingly wants, it starts to become something of a lower level rape, in the sense that the other person is doing it only because they feel compelled or pressured........I know that is extreme, but that's kind of my opinion on it....


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Duty sex will help with BBS (blue balls syndrome). No sex will not. I'm not suggesting that duty sex is a suitable replacement. I'm suggesting what I said: Duty sex is better than no sex. I didn't say it is as much fun or as rewarding. If you don't like duty sex, don't do it.


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## Cajun (May 12, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Making love doesn't have to include PIV at all.


(Now that I understand what PIV is)...I still don't understand what it is your are saying. Maybe it's just the semantics of the term "making love". If there is some other way to get the same feeling as has having an orgasm while my penis is fully inserted in my wife's vagina...please, please tell me what it is (I'm not being sarcastic...I really would like to know alternatives that can even come close to the same feeling that I remember having when I am so intimately in contact with her. In the past we experimented with oral sex but she has big problems with it. Because of that, even if she attempts it, all I can think about is her discomfort and disdain while doing it and so I can't get to an orgasm.


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## Cajun (May 12, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> She can probably fix her pain issues with HRT therapy. My wife used to have pain. After hysterectomy and getting on HRT it is gone and she is always game. Physical intimacy is important to both of us thankfully. If my wife chose to withhold from me it is a deal breaker that i consider sexually immoral. I have also told her if i became impotent, i would have implant surgery to fix the issue.


I think she tried something like that but I'm not sure it was HRT therapy. I think it was estrogen pills and later estrogen cream she tried???. As I remember there was some side affect she didn't like and since she's totally lost interest in sex herself, it seems she's not willing to put up with a lot of negative side affects. I'll ask her about this.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I've been on antidepressants... I could definitely have an orgasm masturbating, but not with sex.


Thanks for the info.



In Absentia said:


> I guess it depends on the physical stimulation. With masturbation, you can be more precise, applying pressure where you need it most.


Can this not be communicated to a partner?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

theloveofmylife said:


> Can this not be communicated to a partner?


Yes, but since it's already difficult to reach an orgasm, during sex it's almost impossible to get your partner to do exactly what you need. Also, sometimes it take ages...


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

TJ


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There are huge double standards going on here. OP has deprived his wife of intimacy for years due to his medication. Now that he might be able to oblige she has to be excited and switch it on and suddenly she had better meet his needs ( according to many male posters , 🙄) . You think she was a robot the last few years with no sex? She probably had to shut down that side of herself completely. OP’s dismissive oh she wasnt into it much anyhow, so suddenly now she will be cause he can get it up? Some of you posters trot out the same old ********. Please consider both sides of the situation and be a little more sensitive! pfft

incidentally, OP when you were not fulfilling your wife’s needs in that dept did she sit you down and tell you considering you are inadequate in that dept, I think I’ll have an affair? Naw I didn’t think so, you make me sick! Did you provide any other forms of sexual intimacy apart from a hard penis? Naw I didn’t think so! But now cause yiu can raise the flag pole she must jump for joy 🙄🤔


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Have you had your Estrogen level checked?


Last time I used ADs was 13 years ago. I went through a phase of depression when things were going wrong in my marriage. I've haven't used them for ages. We don't have sex anymore, so it doesn't matter. And I'm not depressed. Looking forward to my freedom from all that sh!t and the marriage...


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

aine said:


> There are huge double standards going on here. OP has deprived his wife of intimacy for years due to his medication. Now that he might be able to oblige she has to be excited and switch it on and suddenly she had better meet his needs ( according to many male posters , 🙄) . You think she was a robot the last few years with no sex? She probably had to shut down that side of herself completely. OP’s dismissive oh she wasnt into it much anyhow, so suddenly now she will be cause he can get it up? Some of you posters trot out the same old ******. Please consider both sides of the situation and be a little more sensitive! pfft
> 
> incidentally, OP when you were not fulfilling your wife’s needs in that dept did she sit you down and tell you considering you are inadequate in that dept, I think I’ll have an affair? Naw I didn’t think so, you make me sick! Did you provide any other forms of sexual intimacy apart from a hard penis? Naw I didn’t think so! But now cause yiu can raise the flag pole she must jump for joy 🙄🤔


I think she wasn't much into sex before his depression meds came into their lives (if I read correctly). 

Looks like he married an LD wife. By their age, she may very well be going through menopause so any libido left at this point is practically non-existent. 

...and also due to his age, he seems to be going through Andropause. Hence his inner turmoil regarding sex and even entertaining fantasies about having an affair. 

This marriage is in crisis. They need professional help or their marriage will become a casualty and not a success. I'm glad he came here for help before he runs out and finds a POSOW that will only further destroy him as a man.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Cajun said:


> I think she tried something like that but I'm not sure it was HRT therapy. I think it was estrogen pills and later estrogen cream she tried???. As I remember there was some side affect she didn't like and since she's totally lost interest in sex herself, it seems she's not willing to put up with a lot of negative side affects. I'll ask her about this.


My wife has had no negative side effects per say. The testosterone cream does propote hair growth. A woman needs more that Estrogen. The Specialiat that done my wifes hystorectomy said she will need Estrogen(takes Estrodial under tongue) progesterone cream and testosterone cream. She said some Dr will tell you since hystorectomy she does not need Progesterone. She said BS. It does much more than regulate periods and come into play during pregnancy. If the Dr tells her that find another one. The Specialist that said this was tge Chief Oncoligist over the Women's Cancer Center at Baylor Medical Center in Dallas. She is the most specialized Dr for Women's issues we have been to so i tend to go with her treatment.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Cajun said:


> (Now that I understand what PIV is)...I still don't understand what it is your are saying. Maybe it's just the semantics of the term "making love". If there is some other way to get the same feeling as has having an orgasm while my penis is fully inserted in my wife's vagina...please, please tell me what it is (I'm not being sarcastic...I really would like to know alternatives that can even come close to the same feeling that I remember having when I am so intimately in contact with her. In the past we experimented with oral sex but she has big problems with it. Because of that, even if she attempts it, all I can think about is her discomfort and disdain while doing it and so I can't get to an orgasm.


What I mean is, there are many ways to touch eachother sexually and intimately, and bring eachother pleasure and orgasms, that don't include a man putting his penis in his partner's vagina. 

I cannot understand why the entire act of sexual expression between two people who love eachother would ever stop just because penetration cannot happen. Sometimes you don't even need PIV to have an amazing encounter that you remember forever!!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Yes, but since it's already difficult to reach an orgasm, during sex it's almost impossible to get your partner to do exactly what you need. Also, sometimes it take ages...


In that case, I would find it SO sexy and exciting to be WITH my partner while HE masturbated, and be sexual together that way.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I too blame it on the depression meds.

The sexual intimacy process starts first in the mind.
Anti-anxiety medications tone down the mind and its pathway to your groin.

Any new girlfriend must be fooled into thinking you came.
When finishing and rolling off, an empty condom will be a dead dik giveaway.

Going condom-less may work a few times, but, that opens up the possibility of catching some STD.

Get divorced before dating anyone new.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Please have your prostate checked out. 

The vast majority of semen comes from it, not from your testes.

There could be some nerve damage in your prostate that it not responsive to normal jiggling action.
Or, some medication dulls those same nerves there, as it does between the ears.

Beat that advice...

Ooops, wrong phrase.



_The Typist-_


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> *I cannot understand why the entire act of sexual expression between two people who love eachother would ever stop just because penetration cannot happen*. Sometimes you don't even need PIV to have an amazing encounter that you remember forever!!!


That's because you are a woman....

The reason that ED meds are a billion dollar industry, is because for men, it is kinda all about the PIV...And for the record, BTW, I've never been with a woman that didn't feel the same way...TBH, if I ever had any ED issues and meds couldn't cure it, then I would probably opt out of sex altogether...can't say that with 100% certainty, but I can say it would be like 99%...

Just the embarrassment and humiliation alone would be enough to retire and be happy I had all the years I did.

Mileage may vary, of course..


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> That's because you are a woman....
> 
> The reason that ED meds are a billion dollar industry, is because for men, it is kinda all about the PIV...And for the record, BTW, I've never been with a woman that didn't feel the same way...TBH, if I ever had any ED issues and meds couldn't cure it, then I would probably opt out of sex altogether...can't say that with 100% certainty, but I can say it would be like 99%...
> 
> ...


Well, I get it if there is NO chance of pleasure or orgasm for the guy...but I've said before, sex for ME at least, is only partly about an orgasm. It's about sharing intimacy that I do NOT share with any other man. 

And in my experience with my STBX, PIV was the LAST thing he enjoyed doing - masturbation was his favorite thing.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> Well, I get it if there is NO chance of pleasure or orgasm for the guy...but I've said before, sex for ME at least, is only partly about an orgasm. It's about sharing intimacy that I do NOT share with any other man.
> 
> And in my experience with my STBX, PIV was the LAST thing he enjoyed doing - masturbation was his favorite thing.


Like I said...its not even about pleasure or orgasm...for me, anyway, and I am sure a lot of men agree..Sure, that's the goal, but you want to go to the party with the biggest stick in the arsenal.. 

IMO, A great percentage of a man's "worth" as a sexual being is in his hard penis.. Not only for him, but for her....I mean how many times have you heard women complaining about guys that can't get it up? Plenty......Why would they be the ones complaining, if you believe that they(women) can easily get off by clit stimulation, right?

If a guy can't bring a hard dyck to his woman, then she may as well just have sex with another woman... They'd probably be superior to a guy with a limp noodle..


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

These days aside from the pills and injections there is at least one surgical procedure you can get as a man. 

Despite having a medical condition that could cause ED I am the opposite where it’s chase me away with a frying pan. If my junk stopped working I’d be at the doctor’s same day.

Even if all that failed, apparently you can still ejaculate even if you can’t get hard. I haven’t confirmed this because I never had that problem. 

You can also have a prostate orgasm as a man (assuming it’s not removed) which apparently is earth shattering depending on the account. A guy I know said his wife puts on one of those rubber gloves for doing the dishes and goes to town on him and he said it is A+++ although kind of weird. I haven’t done this yet.

I actually think getting a hand job or a BJ can be more intimate sometimes than PIV, same with the reverse on your wife.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> He gets an erection... he can't ejaculate during sex, but he can with masturbation. He would like to try sex again, but his wife, after years of no sex and in her 50s, I assume, is happy with the status quo.
> OP, I doubt you'll get anywhere now with your wife. Also, you want to have an extramarital affair when you can't come during sex? I bet your new partner would be very happy about that. Silly idea.


She could be happy with the status quo for sexual reasons, but it could be for another reason too, and that might be she doesn't like the ordeal of going through that failure with him. Some men get very angry when they fail. I worked with one who got violent about it. He confided in me and so did some of his many women (naturally, he would be good looking enough to be able to pick up women every night of the week and inflict all that on them.) So there can be complications. It's rarely cut and dried.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> IMO, A great percentage of a man's "worth" as a sexual being is in his hard penis.. Not only for him, but for her....I mean how many times have you heard women complaining about guys that can't get it up? Plenty......Why would they be the ones complaining, if you believe that they(women) can easily get off by clit stimulation, right?


I've actually NEVER heard a woman complain about it, even when it was specifically brought up...any women I've ever heard talk about it made it sound very much like not a big deal, and very solvable with some extra effort. These were all women in long relationships/marriages, though, NOT just dating...so maybe it's different when there isn't alot of love and care between that partners?



hamadryad said:


> If a guy can't bring a hard dyck to his woman, then she may as well just have sex with another woman... They'd probably be superior to a guy with a limp noodle..


And THIS is RIDICULOUS...I think you MUST be joking, because there is NO way you would expect this to be how a heterosexual woman would feel...right??? Lol!!!
Let me ask you -- if you knew a guy who gave THE BEST oral you would ever get, would you do that with him???

GET REAL. I want to have sex with a man because I LOVE MEN. MEN turn me on, NOT women. Men's bodies, how their voices sound, how their skin smells, how they act as men -- it's ONLY a MAN that I want. I don't care if a woman would be 100x better, I have NO interest in a woman sexually AT ALL. 

Men are sexual beings whether they get can perform PIV or not. And if I love and care about the man who cannot, I WANT to be sexual with him in ANY way that excites and pleases both of us without PIV. If he doesn't want to, there are STILL ways to be sexual together, IF he wants to continue having a monogamous relationship with me.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> I've actually NEVER heard a woman complain about it, even when it was specifically brought up...any women I've ever heard talk about it made it sound very much like not a big deal, and very solvable with some extra effort. These were all women in long relationships/marriages, though, NOT just dating...so maybe it's different when there isn't alot of love and care between that partners?
> 
> *Yeah...that's why the first thing a woman will tell a new guy after sex is how much bigger he is and how the ex couldn't get it up....lol....I dunno, I don't think women share the same info to their female friends that they do with guys...just a hunch..*
> 
> ...


Answers in bold, in the body of the quote...Sorry for the format issue, I don't know how to break up a post properly, 🤔

LD, its like me telling you that your menstrual cycle is no big deal and that you should stop whining about it....Silly, right??


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> Answers in bold, in the body of the quote...Sorry for the format issue, I don't know how to break up a post properly, 🤔
> 
> LD, its like me telling you that your menstrual cycle is no big deal and that you should stop whining about it....Silly, right??


I see your answers perfectly! I understand the points you are making.

I would NEVER say your feelings about this are silly...they definitely are not. I'm just offering MY view, as a woman who would want her lover in this position to consider a different way of looking at it, and how very willing I would be to work through it with him because of how much I value my sexual connection WITH HIM.

Of course, if he no longer desired a sexual connection with me, it would hurt, but I would understand...and I would expect to be TOLD the TRUTH of what he was willing to do or not do, and release me if he wasn't interested in having a sex life with me anymore.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I worked with one who got violent about it..


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Some men get very angry when they fail. I worked with one who got violent about it.


He got violent with the women or did he beat his under-performing member?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> He got violent with the women or did he beat his under-performing member?


Probably a safe bet a little bit of both.


Hard to say which came first. In violent offenders, a larger number of them are inadequate sexually. A large number of them are also inadequate personalities, anxious and ineffectual. 

I believe drugs also entered into his problem. He was a good looking guy, but over time he himself told me he had to pump himself up to feel confident. He was a classic overcompensator, grandiose, arrogant acting to the max. He did speed and said he couldn't stop because that's one of the ways he pumped himself up to feel more confident. It became a vicious cycle of course. 

Both a long-term partner and a couple of short-term sexual partners talked to me about it. His long-term partner is who eventually right in front of him told me he had ED. They came to me about it because I seemed to be the only woman he respected and considered a friend and who he hadn't hadn't done something bad to, although I believe he stole my purse one time. I was his boss and I was not ever sleeping with him even though he made passes on me from the beginning. 

So he was violent with women as far as I know both in and out of bed. He himself told me about banging some girl's head on the car door. 

He himself told me it was his inability to keep it up that enraged him. 

Of course I begged him to get off of speed and told him that that was at least part of the problem. I also told all the women and right in front of him that he was violent and they needed to get away from him. 

As with most people he wasn't all bad. We worked a lot alone together and had some time to shoot the s***, and he was hilariously funny. We also went dancing a couple of times. We would end up in the same clubs together anyway.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

How's it going @Mik-2 ?

Any progress with your wife? Have you had an honest talk with her?


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