# Co-Dependency



## phillybrokenheart

Someone gave me a link to read:

Codependency

I read this last night and to say the least, my jaw dropped!

I always knew that I was "co-dependent" but I never stopped to realize how in depth co-dependency was! I figured, yeah, I like to be needed, I like to try to fix people. So what???

But after reading this... OMG, it explains so much...

It says if you have 20% of the symptons you can consider yourself co dependent. I had about 80%!!!! (Thank god, never thought of suicide and never abusive towards my daughter or stepkids)

There is one paragraph that talks about how co-dependents "waste their lives"! I had a knot in the pit of my stomach!

There is another paragraph that talks about how this gets "passed on to our CHILDREN"! OMG! The thought of my daughter growing up to feel the way I feel inside tears me up. I always thought that would never happen because I would never say or do the things to her that mom said and did to me. 

And Im not bashing my mom by no means, I love her deeply. I do believe she tried her best. But I realize that she never liked any accomplishments I ever made, took them more like an insult to her that I (never my brother or sister ???) thought I was better than them or I was always told I was on a high horse. For being excited about getting a job offer with a great salary! Made me on a high horse??? Dont get me wrong, my mom has her wonderful qualities too. She is always the first one there when things go wrong.

Anyhow, sorry, Im way off track here....

Back to the point. 

I am going tonight to my first Co-Dependency meeting. Unfortuantely there are not a lot of options in my area, so I will have to leave a half hour early to be home in time for my daughters drop off from her dads. But its a start.

But Ill tell ya, the thought that this could be fixed!?!?

Needless to say, Im looking to forward it!

Just thought I'd share the link.


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## phillybrokenheart

phillybrokenheart said:


> Someone gave me a link to read:
> 
> Codependency
> 
> I read this last night and to say the least, my jaw dropped!
> 
> I always knew that I was "co-dependent" but I never stopped to realize how in depth co-dependency was! I figured, yeah, I like to be needed, I like to try to fix people. So what???
> 
> But after reading this... OMG, it explains so much...
> 
> It says if you have 20% of the symptons you can consider yourself co dependent. I had about 80%!!!! (Thank god, never thought of suicide and never abusive towards my daughter or stepkids)
> 
> There is one paragraph that talks about how co-dependents "waste their lives"! I had a knot in the pit of my stomach!
> 
> There is another paragraph that talks about how this gets "passed on to our CHILDREN"! OMG! The thought of my daughter growing up to feel the way I feel inside tears me up. I always thought that would never happen because I would never say or do the things to her that mom said and did to me.
> 
> And Im not bashing my mom by no means, I love her deeply. I do believe she tried her best. But I realize that she never liked any accomplishments I ever made, took them more like an insult to her that I (never my brother or sister ???) thought I was better than them or I was always told I was on a high horse. For being excited about getting a job offer with a great salary! Made me on a high horse??? Dont get me wrong, my mom has her wonderful qualities too. She is always the first one there when things go wrong.
> 
> Anyhow, sorry, Im way off track here....
> 
> Back to the point.
> 
> I am going tonight to my first Co-Dependency meeting. Unfortuantely there are not a lot of options in my area, so I will have to leave a half hour early to be home in time for my daughters drop off from her dads. But its a start.
> 
> But Ill tell ya, the thought that this could be fixed!?!?
> 
> Needless to say, Im looking to forward it!
> 
> Just thought I'd share the link.


Codependency

Sorry the link didnt work the first time.


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## Cherry

I was going to ask earlier if you ever considered yourself co dependent.. I know I do! I think my H was my toughest project at first . All of that has changed over the years, and I've worked hard at trying not to "fix" him.... But rather working with him towards a common goal. You lose track of you, and your needs... I know I have a few to several times. It's great your going to the group.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb in Ohio

Yes, I am trying to find a meeting that is not too far away. So far closest one being a little over an hour away. So far reading a lot of information on the internet, and I know this is what my counselor is working on me for, so hope I can get through this. 

Just separated from my H yesterday and I feel awful not calling and checking in during the day...sad I know..


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## phillybrokenheart

Cherry said:


> I was going to ask earlier if you ever considered yourself co dependent.. I know I do! I think my H was my toughest project at first . All of that has changed over the years, and I've worked hard at trying not to "fix" him.... But rather working with him towards a common goal. You lose track of you, and your needs... I know I have a few to several times. It's great your going to the group.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did, my counselor and I discussed it before, but liek I said, I never really knew ALL that is meant. I never realized how much it controlled. To say the least, it scared the sh*t out of me last night to read that and basically feel like I was reading a story of my life and the decisions I make.

I dont know, but I am so looking forward to the meeting tonight.


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## phillybrokenheart

Numb in Ohio said:


> Yes, I am trying to find a meeting that is not too far away. So far closest one being a little over an hour away. So far reading a lot of information on the internet, and I know this is what my counselor is working on me for, so hope I can get through this.
> 
> Just separated from my H yesterday and I feel awful not calling and checking in during the day...sad I know..


I am sorry to hear that. This beginning part is so hard. The getting used to not talking and texting and checking in is a very strange and uncomfortable feeling. I know, even though my STBX and I separated back in Dec, this is the first time that we cut off all communication, so it feels like I am starting from the beginning again.

I dont usually give advice because obviously I have no idea what Im doing, lol! Buut others on here have said it gets easier and to busy yourself with as much as you can. The co-dependency will be a start for you and myself as well. Its a shame that there is so little out there as far as meeting choices go. But the link I posted has another link at the end of it that can connect you with online meetings as well. They have a blog that I just joined and it amazing how many people are in the same situation.

I wish you the best! Hugs to you!!!


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## Numb in Ohio

I don't even know if I contact him, how much is too much? He texted me this morning and I haven't answered him at all. We talked on phone yesterday morning....pretty much when we decided on the separation... and we exchanged "good nite" texts last night and so far no other communication..( he's a truck driver, so gets home on Thurs and leaves out around 3am Sat. morning.. so don't see him much, but would talk on phone all during the day.

It's not that I don't want to talk at all, but don't want to talk too often and him try to pull me back in. 

I come here to express my feelings because only have 2 close friends at work ( which I'd say are pretty sick of hearing me talk about things),, and my daughter doesn't need to hear everything about it....otherwise don't have anyone else to talk to. I only see my counselor on Wednesdays, so gonna be a few days till I can talk to her.

Just went and walked about 2 miles... helped clear my head a little.


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## Kurosity

I can not always get to meetings because of children. I am reading a book and doing the work book that goes with it. 

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. 
Codependent No More work book by Melody Beattie.

If you can not do meetings it might help. I read the first chapter and found my self so relating and as you already said jaw dropping!!

Just thought to drop the idea down because it is helpping me.


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## In_The_Wind

I think that nearly everyone is codependent to a certain extent its when you give yrself and happiness and 
Everything else to another in order to make them happy therby losing yrself in someone who probaly doesn't care as much just my opinion. Are you going to coda meetings ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybrokenheart

Numb in Ohio said:


> I don't even know if I contact him, how much is too much? He texted me this morning and I haven't answered him at all. We talked on phone yesterday morning....pretty much when we decided on the separation... and we exchanged "good nite" texts last night and so far no other communication..( he's a truck driver, so gets home on Thurs and leaves out around 3am Sat. morning.. so don't see him much, but would talk on phone all during the day.
> 
> It's not that I don't want to talk at all, but don't want to talk too often and him try to pull me back in.
> 
> I come here to express my feelings because only have 2 close friends at work ( which I'd say are pretty sick of hearing me talk about things),, and my daughter doesn't need to hear everything about it....otherwise don't have anyone else to talk to. I only see my counselor on Wednesdays, so gonna be a few days till I can talk to her.
> 
> Just went and walked about 2 miles... helped clear my head a little.


I wont even try to tell you whether I think you should talk to him or not, I have no idea what the right choice would be except whatever seems right to you.

I am so grateful for this site as well, lol, Id be lost without it!


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## phillybrokenheart

Kurosity said:


> I can not always get to meetings because of children. I am reading a book and doing the work book that goes with it.
> 
> Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
> Codependent No More work book by Melody Beattie.
> 
> If you can not do meetings it might help. I read the first chapter and found my self so relating and as you already said jaw dropping!!
> 
> Just thought to drop the idea down because it is helpping me.


LOL, I just ordered it this morning! I hope it helps!


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## phillybrokenheart

In_The_Wind said:


> I think that nearly everyone is codependent to a certain extent its when you give yrself and happiness and
> Everything else to another in order to make them happy therby losing yrself in someone who probaly doesn't care as much just my opinion. Are you going to coda meetings ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree.

I'll be going to my first one tonight. So we'll see how it goes.


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## Nsweet

I'll let you in on a little secret Philly. All relationships are codependent at one time or another; Usually you take turns giving and taking from one moment to anther. It's when you get stuck in that care-taker (rescuer, nurse, knight in shining armor, motherly) role and aren't getting the same level of affection reciprocated that you need help. 

If it goes on for long enough resentment is likely to happen as well as affairs because you need someone to need you in order to feel loved. Not every spouse will need you as often and the little things they do for us are overlooked for the affection we want right now. However, realistically at this point your spouse could be everything you're looking for but you won't give them the chance to prove it because the resentment and level of contempt is so high.


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## Beowulf

Kurosity said:


> I can not always get to meetings because of children. I am reading a book and doing the work book that goes with it.
> 
> Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
> Codependent No More work book by Melody Beattie.
> 
> If you can not do meetings it might help. I read the first chapter and found my self so relating and as you already said jaw dropping!!
> 
> Just thought to drop the idea down because it is helpping me.


That book is excellent. Very helpful.


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## Kurosity

Beowulf ~ So far it is a great book and helpful:smthumbup:

Phillybrokenheart~ That is funny that you just ordered it. I think it will help alot.

I am very much in love with having my eyes open to the things I did not realize codependents do and what actually is a behavior. You don't even have to be codependent with one person in your life. For one woman it was every one she met............nuts.
But the book is good for enlightening one to the things they saw as normal and the things they never noticed. Hope you find it as helpful as I have (and I am not that far into it yet)


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## phillybrokenheart

So I went to the meeting last night, but it was incorrect information. It was an AA meeting instead. :-( Still not giving up though.


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## Numb in Ohio

phillybrokenheart said:


> So I went to the meeting last night, but it was incorrect information. It was an AA meeting instead. :-( Still not giving up though.


Yet they sometimes use the 12 step program for codependency as they do for AA,,,

( Probably because the longer we stay codependent,, we think about drinking,,LOL)


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