# Wife with Depression/PTSD



## kaldor (Mar 27, 2013)

Hi all, I need help, I feel completely lost and confused. I've been with my wife since we first started dating 10 years ago. Married for 6 and we now have a 1 year old.

Over the years, especially since we got married, it feels like thing have slowly been deterioating to the point where I feel like a shell of a man. My wife has major depression and PTSD from childhood trauma, and trauma with her family as an adult. She is on medication for it.

As our relationship has gone on, sex has dried up to be mostly non-existent where we once were like rabbits. I understand some of that is to be expected, but we've had sex maybe 5 times in the last 2 years. I know medication can affect sex drive, as well as a baby, but even before the baby, things just haven't been right.

Because of the depression and PTSD, combined with the 1 year old still waking up over night and that she is not a high energy person to begin with, she has difficulty doing anything besides taking care of the baby during the day while I work.

I work from home, help out as much as I can during the day, including keeping an eye on him so she can sleep in, since the night time wakings wear her out. I cook dinner, I do the shopping, wash the baby, yard work and even help clean on top of that.

I guess I feel like over the years I've let myself be eroded because I feel bad for her for what she's been through. I feel bad for her because she has depression and PTSD. But now I can't stand up for myself, and I feel like I can't use any of the advice on these forums without severely damaging or ending the relationship.

I love her very much, and I pray that we can fix things, but I just don't know what to do. I've tried counseling, talking things out with her, sharing feelings, even reading couples therapy books, all of it to little or no success.

I just want to feel like a man, stand up and be strong and confident, but I feel like I just can't without hurting her or causing more damage.

I feel hopeless. I'm sorry for the long post, but does anyone out there have any experience or advice on what to do? If she didn't have depression or PTSD, I would just follow the wonderful "Man Up and Nice Guy Reference" sticky, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do some of that.

Many thanks to whoever can help.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Since I have had to deal with both depression and PTSD due to my estranged husband's shenanigans and my illness, I'll take a stab at this. First, has she had her thyroid level checked? Next, could she possibly be suffering from insulin resistance? Did she have gestational diabetes during her pregnancy?

If she is on medication and not improving, then obviously the medication isn't working. Has she had a through evaluation by a mental health professional? A proper evaluation is key to getting a medication matched to her individual needs. Or even getting the appropriate counseling.


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## kaldor (Mar 27, 2013)

Yes she's been diagnosed by a mental health professional (psychiatrist or psycologist, I always mix the two up) and has had extensive therapy. No thyroid or diabetes issues from the pregnancy or otherwise to my knowledge.

The medication IS helping, because before we tried to get pregnant, she tried to come off the medication and the results were not good.

I don't mean to paint a bad picture of her, but she is strong willed and intelligent, has a masters in psychology and so I constantly feel outgunned as I tend to let stuff go, not able to communicate my needs and opinions clearly, etc..

In full disclosure, I do have some self esteem issues which I know is contributing to this problem. That's why I sought this place out, to help be stronger and more confident.

I feel like I do need to "man up" and be more confident, strong in my beliefs and values, speak my mind, etc... and I feel like that's what she wants out of me, but can't or won't let me do it.

I just don't know how to do it without hurting her or sending her into a depressed episode.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Did you read Deejo's 'Man Up' sticky thread at the top of the men's clubhouse? 

Lot's of info there.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kaldor said:


> I just want to feel like a man, stand up and be strong and confident, but I feel like I just can't without hurting her or causing more damage.


I have PTSD (plus a host of other issues) and actually this is the best thing you could do for her and yourself. You can't help her if you can't help yourself and enabling never ever ever works.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Mavash. said:


> I have PTSD (plus a host of other issues) and actually this is the best thing you could do for her and yourself. You can't help her if you can't help yourself and enabling never ever ever works.


:iagree:


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## kaldor (Mar 27, 2013)

First off, thank you all who took the time to post here to try and help me. It's greatly appreciated.

Yeah I want to be confident and strong, because I think that will help the best. But I keep folding, not standing up for myself, I don't even know how to do it anymore.

Anytime I try, it's a front, I still feel fear in me, for a million reasons. Then I feel like she doesn't even notice, she says she has mild asbergers, so I feel like I can't win.

I want to do all the stuff in the manup sticky, it sounds wonderful, but I don't know if I have it in me. Plus if I follow some of that, it will create all kinds of heartache and pain which may not payoff in the long run.

All I can do is try I suppose. Focus on myself as best I can, stop caring if she's mad at me or upset for something I feel strongly about, and be confident. It's just so ridiculously hard dealing with her sometimes, and I'm sick of being hurt.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

One step at time, not everything at once. If you try to carry to much you will fall. Pick one thing an try to work on that till it fells comfortable to you and her. There will be friction, but if you introduce changes one at a time you will be able to handle the conflict better.


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