# Is it ok to hide secrets about your past from your fiancé?



## FreyaB (Sep 23, 2014)

My fiance and I have been together a little over a year & recently engaged. I believed he had the perfect relationship, He is so attractive, Treats me great but at the same time he can be grumpy somestimes and i've seen him get short fused with friends, I tought our communication lines were on point, Our relationship is very intense, last night I realised that image of mine was too good to be true. At a friends b'day party last night a friend of his slipped up while he was talking to me and he asked am I ever afraid of my fiancé getting locked up again, This threw me completely off, Long story short, It turns out my fiancé was in prison for armed robbery and got out a few days before I met him. I confronted him about this last night which was a mistake because we were drinking but he was shocked I knew about it and was demanding to know who told me about it. What's worse is he told me that he is still in contact with all those people and lifestyle but never wanted me to know because "_he didn't want to risk losing me, because he loves me so much & without me his life would be meaningless_". Im back home now and although he keeps trying to talk to me I cant talk to him, I keep walking away. I feel betrayed and like an idiot for thinking our relationship was 'perfect'. Is there a way past this or are we done, Please help me?


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

D-U-N done.

Just make sure you protect yourself when you leave him.

You see he lied to you about his past. This wasn't a speeding ticket he was locked up for armed robbery. Meaning, he would have killed someone during the robbery if push came to shove.

His reaction when you found out? Not contrition or an explanation, but rage over being ratted out. To you, his finance. 

Hope you find a good guy. Never settle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> D-U-N done.
> 
> Just make sure you protect yourself when you leave him.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Nothing to add. He should have been up front and totally shed his past to have a future with you.

This is really a no-brainer.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Walk away as quickly as you can. This is a criminal record and will follow you all your life. As a landlord, I will not even rent a house to you if your husband has a criminal record (an armed robbery at that). It will affect his employment opportunities as well. You will end up with a major financial responsibility as his opportunities will be limited. Also, he is still connected to his criminal friends and lifestyle. You are in a very precarious situation.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Unless you want to end up like Bonnie and Clyde you better hightail it for the hills.

He's a criminal and a liar.

Not a good basis on which to start a life together. 

But you already know this. You aren't the least bit surprised at the answers you're getting from us and everyone you know.

I hope you didn't rat out the guy who did you the biggest favor of your life.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

That would have more than enough for me to bounce.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

It's ok to hide secrets, but only if they're under a bridge.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

commonsenseisn't said:


> It's ok to hide secrets, but only if they're under a bridge.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> D-U-N done.
> 
> Just make sure you protect yourself when you leave him.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

I would have next'd him than come to this website and said what i did...


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

He was not only hiding his crime and his incarceration, but he has been hiding a whole other side of his life. You don't really know him at all. The reason why it seemed perfect was because he was living an alternate life with you. Run away!
I believe that people can change, but he has not shown any change. He has only shown his ability to put on a really great act, to lie, and to angry when caught. Again - Run!


----------



## FreyaB (Sep 23, 2014)

I completely see where you guys are coming from and I fully agree that I should leave him, I just didn't think I would ever leave him or realise how hard it will be to do. I haven't really given him a chance to explain because I feel so hurt by him, Is there much point in hearing him out?


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

NO, no point at all. You know enough already.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

And change your phone number, block him from social media.

Prepare mentally that you might have to change jobs/residences.

I hope you don't. But what if he got ugly over this?


----------



## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

You can be the best judge of how that experience has changed your bf. There are many people who have been in jail and came out all right.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

FreyaB said:


> I completely see where you guys are coming from and I fully agree that I should leave him, I just didn't think I would ever leave him or realise how hard it will be to do. I haven't really given him a chance to explain because I feel so hurt by him, Is there much point in hearing him out?


There is no explanation that would matter. All the time you have known him he has been carrying on a double life. The fact that he got away with it shows how skilled he is at deception. That is enough to make any reasonable person run. He does not have your best interests at heart and he is a deeply dishonest person. He has an anger problem and he has shown that he uses violence to take what belongs to others. You know everything you need to know. Giving him an opportunity to "explain" only gives him an opportunity to deceive you further.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

mr.bunbury said:


> You can be the best judge of how that experience has changed your bf. There are many people who have been in jail and came out all right.


I agree that people who have been to prison should be given a second chance and I think there are things in our past that could have happened that we hide because they are big and don't want them to jeopardize our current relationship. Not advocating for that policy, but I think people can be forgiven for hiding those things if they are otherwise generally trustworthy. However, what's also worrisome about your situation is that he is still in touch with the old gang. That to me says this guy isn't really trying to reform his life and there's a good chance he will reoffend. And he's been hiding that entire side of his life from you. So he's not just hiding a dark past but a dark present. What else is he willing to hide?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If he were rehabilitated, he would not be hiding his past. He would also not be hanging with a criminal crowd. My answer would be entirely different if he had come clean early on, then explained the process he has gone through to make the necessary changes in his character and if he were not still hanging out with the criminal crowd. However, he has instead shown himself to be a liar and deceiver and that he has not overcome the character flaws that would allow him to use violence to steal.
Not only that, he got angry when the truth was revealed. That shows that he had no intention of telling her and that he was going to continue in his ways.
Chances are, if you let him "explain", he would tell you that he can change for you and that he loves you and on and on. He would try to soften you up and talk about how good you are together, completely avoiding the true problem, which is that he is a man of poor character and dangerous as well.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Armed robbery and he still associates with the same crowd? Depending on whether or not he's on parole,he may be breaking the terms. It's a little unsettling that this friend of his asked you that question. Maybe he's aware of what your fiance has been up to lately. I would question his choices if he really wants to reform. Keep in mind also,that if he has been involved long term with the criminal element,then the chances are he has committed crimes that he's never been convicted of in the past. He has compartmentalized and lied to someone whom he supposedly loves so much and can't live without. What is he capable of doing to someone that doesn't matter to him? You're no longer naive,so remember this is your life and happiness you're considering. Your life,your choice. I wish you well.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

mr.bunbury said:


> You can be the best judge of how that experience has changed your bf. There are many people who have been in jail and came out all right.


Agree, people can change but this fellow has not. A year long relationship and getting engaged, all under the pretext of a whole bunch of lies and dishonesty.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Having a criminal record is not an absolute impediment to a loving stable relationship. Deception, lack of change and a fixed character disorder are. Your fiancé lied about who he is, has friends that indicate he may be the same person who committed a serious crime and the nature of the crime may mean he has a PD. The short fuse and grumpiness are red flags. He will direct them at you eventually. 

You fell in love with a man who is not really him. Self-protective instincts should be a strong motivator in your decision about what to do. Are you acting in a way that insures your safety?


----------



## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

FreyaB said:


> I completely see where you guys are coming from and I fully agree that I should leave him, I just didn't think I would ever leave him or realise how hard it will be to do. I haven't really given him a chance to explain because I feel so hurt by him, Is there much point in hearing him out?



I understand him not telling your right away, but when your relationship became more serious, it is something that he should have revealed. I think his deception speaks to the fact that he has not put that life in the past with the intent to move forward on clean slate. Be careful.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

While plenty before me have pointed out his lack of contrition,, this bit specifically stood out. - 

",,,,, and demanded to know who told me about it." - 

Drunk or sober, I've never "demanded" anything from a female that I can recall and that's probably true of most guys.

If he's making demands in the 'honeymoon' period of your relationship, what's he gonna be like when he has to work through those phases where couples can slip into taking each other for granted.


I can't do the 'I Agree' icons with my mobile but, if I could, there'd be one for everyone who said "Get rid!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Hanging with the same crowd [email protected]#$ This is just NOT OK in any way.. you have every right to be very very concerned -and for your own well being. 

I would want to exit this relationship with the least bit of inflaming him ...as you have not yet seen THIS side of him..he has catered to you because you were WITH HIM..

Nothing wrong with 2nd chances.. all for it.. but this comes with humility & honesty to where one has been BECAUSE THEY RESPECT the other person enough to give them the TRUTH..... *this was denied to you*..you were played.. did he really think this would not come out ?....there are great repercussions when we intentionally hide things of this magnitude. 

I say he *can not* be trusted.. I would worry if he is THAT much into you.. he is NOT going to take this well ...and it has the potential to lead to a stalking situation. .. I am thinking of the worst case scenario ... like if this was my own daughter, these would be my fears in getting away from a man with this sort of blight on his record...

I am big into learning about someone's character, what sort of family they come from, what type of friends they hang with....even before meeting them...to avoid this sort of thing.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

lenzi said:


> He's a criminal and a liar.


In fairness to him, he only lied about being a criminal.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> In fairness to him, he only lied about being a criminal.


lol :scratchhead:


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> It's ok to hide secrets, but only if they're under a bridge.




What kind of job does he have? As a convicted felon, I would assume he has had a hard time landing good employment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Freya,

If that's your avatar, you're obviously a knockout.

I would anticipate him being unwilling to let you go. Both, for the way you look, and for his ego taking a beating.

You might want to consider using a "it's not you, it's me", type of approach. You need room to grow. You want to focus on school or career. You're thinking about becoming a nun. You think you might be a lesbian.

When dealing with somebody who is potentially violent and dangerous, I think ensuring your own safety is better than total honesty.

Besides, what has he done to deserve your honesty?

Good Luck.


----------



## FreyaB (Sep 23, 2014)

intheory said:


> Freya,
> 
> If that's your avatar, you're obviously a knockout.
> 
> I would anticipate him being unwilling to let you go. Both, for the way you look, and for his ego taking a beating.


Thank you.


----------



## FreyaB (Sep 23, 2014)

Guys, You have no idea how much I appreciate your opinions. Yesterday I decided to tell him that I needed to think things through and that I was going to stay in my friends place for a few days to do this, He hasn't taken it too well. He keeps calling and texting me begging me for a chance and saying I'm breaking his heart. Before I left for my friends he kept pushing for me to tell him who 'ratted' him out, He has become very frustrated that I wont tell him, I cant bring myself to tell him as the guy slipped up and I don't want to cause him any trouble.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

FreyaB said:


> Guys, You have no idea how much I appreciate your opinions. Yesterday I decided to tell him that I needed to think things through and that I was going to stay in my friends place for a few days to do this, He hasn't taken it too well. He keeps calling and texting me begging me for a chance and saying I'm breaking his heart. Before I left for my friends he kept pushing for me to tell him who 'ratted' him out, He has become very frustrated that I wont tell him, I cant bring myself to tell him as the guy slipped up and I don't want to cause him any trouble.


DO NOT reveal who this guy is.. whatever you do... he will go after him.. he did you a big favor....slip up or not...I am willing to venture he is going to show some real anger & frustration over who did this and *not *let it go. 




> *intheory said*: Freya,
> 
> *If that's your avatar, you're obviously a knockout.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree: I am one of those people who think Honesty is always for the best *>>* but only if the person is sound , stable , and respectful...NEVER IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS..... be very cautious here... watch your back every step of the way.. we may sound paranoid.. but it's best to be prepared for a worst case scenario -when dealing with a man with a criminal past.... *your life, well being , and safety is #1*...


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

There are times when lying is an act of self defense or defending another from danger. It can be used as a tool to protect. This is one of those times.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening FreyaB
I (as is often true) have a slightly different take on things.

I believe that people can change, can recognize their mistakes and that sometimes it is worth forgiving them. 

But - I am deeply concerned that he is still living that lifestyle. 

Maybe you can discuss this rationally. Let him know that you are not judging him for that past, but that you do care about the future. He is welcome to the soft of life he wants - but not with you. Even if he has the best of intentions, he may someday need to "help" a friend who is in trouble with the law. Then you may need to "help" him.


----------



## FreyaB (Sep 23, 2014)

*Update -*


I got flowers sent to my job today from him and when I left to go on lunch and he was waiting for me outside, I told him to go away and that I wasn't ready to talk to him but he didn't listen to me. I kept walking as he was trying to talk to me but he grabbed me by the arm pulling me back and put his head level with mine and told me that he loves me to death and he wont let me go that easily and again asked who told me. Looking at him I could see it in his eyes that he meant it. I pushed him off me and shouted at him to f**k off.

I love this guy so much it hurts, I cant really stop crying, he has a strong affect on me but I cant get over that he made a complete fool out of me. I love him and hate him at the same time.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

FreyaB said:


> *Update -*
> 
> 
> I got flowers sent to my job today from him and when I left to go on lunch and he was waiting for me outside, I told him to go away and that I wasn't ready to talk to him but he didn't listen to me. I kept walking as he was trying to talk to me but he grabbed me by the arm pulling me back and put his head level with mine and told me that he loves me to death and he wont let me go that easily and again asked who told me. Looking at him I could see it in his eyes that he meant it. I pushed him off me and shouted at him to f**k off.


This is disturbing. He has now escalated to physically restraining you. I think you should seek counsel from a woman's shelter to see what steps you should take to protect yourself. I believe you are in danger.



FreyaB said:


> *Update -*
> I love this guy so much it hurts, I cant really stop crying, he has a strong affect on me but I cant get over that he made a complete fool out of me. I love him and hate him at the same time.


I know it feels like he has made a fool of you, but he has not. People lie so you won't know the truth. How can you know the truth when someone is lying and you have no idea that you should not believe them? You can't. This happened, because he lied to you.
You are in love with an illusion. That was his plan. He deceived you into believing he was someone that he is not. I am sorry this has happened. Please begin to grieve for the man you thought you loved. He does not exist. Now you are dealing with a violent criminal who is not taking no for an answer. Please get professional help immediately, before it escalates further.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

FreyaB said:


> *Update -*
> 
> 
> I got flowers sent to my job today from him and when I left to go on lunch and he was waiting for me outside, I told him to go away and that I wasn't ready to talk to him but he didn't listen to me. I kept walking as he was trying to talk to me but he grabbed me by the arm pulling me back and put his head level with mine and told me that he loves me to death and he wont let me go that easily and again asked who told me. Looking at him I could see it in his eyes that he meant it. I pushed him off me and shouted at him to f**k off.
> ...


Again...his focus continues to be on who told you NOT on convincing you that he isn't the person he used to be. And the focus on what is presumably his intent to seek revenge, and the physical restraint, shows you he still is the person he used to be - violent.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> Again...his focus continues to be on who told you NOT on convincing you that he isn't the person he used to be. And the focus on what is presumably his intent to seek revenge, and the physical restraint, shows you he still is the person he used to be - violent.


^^^^
Yes.
He is someone entirely different than the man you were led to believe he was. This is not a normal breakup. This is serious stuff. Please protect yourself. Let others know what is going on. Do not be embarrassed. This is not your fault.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Freya,

Truth be told, my husband has a very sketchy past. He has also gotten in trouble with the law. The main difference with him is that he was very straight forward about his past & no longer keeps in touch with the same people he did dirt with. My husband is now a hard working man that hasn't had any troubles in over 15 years. BUT (& there is a but) I have made it known to him that if he ever engages in any illegal activity while we're married, that is a deal breaker & the marriage will end.

Your BF is exhibiting some very disturbing behaviors. He keeps on fixating on who "ratted" him out & is even trying to bully you in the process. (Grabbing your arm & insisting to know is bullying & physical aggression) IMO, a person capable of committing armed robbery is a dangerous & violent individual. He has admitted that he still runs in the same circle of people from his criminal past.....biggest red flag ever.

Consider yourself lucky for dodging this bullet!


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, look at actions before words.

Flowers? - Yup, they're nice,,, up until you learn they're a part of a swiftly revealed plan of deceit.


"I love you (etc)" - The vocal part of the aforementioned plan. (About as good a plan as the one he made to abscond with the bank's loot).

Grabbing you against your will. - Uh, oh. Can we say "Busted" yet?

"Who told you?!" - Quel surprise! It was about his own agenda all along.

You're too smart to be hesitating over this, Freya.

Bank robberies (that he can't even execute). Demands to know who "grassed him up". Oblivious to your feelings. He's all about instant, self-gratification of his own needs,, if necessary, at the expense of others. That'd be YOU, Freya.

There are words for people like that - narcissist, sociopath, psychopath - being 3 of them.

Make a better escape plan than he did IMMEDIATELY.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

What scares me about this is that he is more intent on "who" told you rather than your feelings. You haven't mentioned if he apologized and tried to explain (not that it matters if he does). His focus is on himself. What about a restraining order? If he is on parole, won't that send him back to jail? At least for a little while. I agree with the other posters, be careful and you DESERVE so much better.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

you certainly have enough info now to get un-engaged. you don't have a marriage date, do you? as Cynthia said do not allow yourself to be isolated as you deal with him. tell friends, family what's going on. learn the stalking laws in your area and how and when you can go to the police.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I can hardly wait for the next update.

This is turning into a real nailbiter.

Then again tonite's Monday Night Football so I guess it can wait.


----------



## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

*Re: Re: Is it ok to hide secrets about your past from your fiancé?*



FreyaB said:


> I completely see where you guys are coming from and I fully agree that I should leave him, I just didn't think I would ever leave him or realise how hard it will be to do. I haven't really given him a chance to explain because I feel so hurt by him, Is there much point in hearing him out?


How old are you both? 
Maybe give him a chance to hear his side of the story. Does he regret what he has done? Maybe serving time in jail has changed him etc.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The only secret that it's ok to have from a partner is what you bought them for their birthday/christmas.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

File a restraining order for your home and workplace.

This has gone too far now.

Don't take the chance with your well being.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm very worried about you Freya. I might be over reacting but a number of these situations go south quickly. Read a newspaper. Do you have friends and family to support you?


----------



## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

Quote:
Originally Posted by intheory View Post
Freya,

If that's your avatar, you're obviously a knockout.

I would anticipate him being unwilling to let you go. Both, for the way you look, and for his ego taking a beating.




FreyaB said:


> Thank you.


LOL Her photo is of model Linda Morselli and I'm pretty sure her fiance Valentino Rossi isn't an ex-felon.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

totallywarped said:


> Quote:
> Originally Posted by intheory View Post
> Freya,
> 
> ...


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

totallywarped said:


> Quote:
> Originally Posted by intheory View Post
> Freya,
> 
> ...


Thank you. I am no longer concerned.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sorry Folks! Troll. Thanks to all that reported it.


----------

