# Separated 9 months, just saw stbxw on a dating site.



## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Hello, I am new here. I'm 31, she's 29. we have been separated 9 months. No cheating or abuse. I wasn't the best husband, made mistakes but I love her and my little daughter to death and have been trying to reconcile entire time with no luck. Ive had suicidal thoughts but would never do that, and now I feel dead inside. She first said it was a trial separation, we met on weekends for a few weeks, then it was strictly no contact unless about kid on her part. Only time I see or talk is dropping off kid. Shes beautiful and I fall back at square one everytime I see her. I tried to date but couldn't. Yesterday, I looked online and saw her on match. Shes talking to people already and its killing me seeing that. She says its not cheating, that shes done and were divorced, she has divorced on her profile, but nothing has been filed yet. Im at a new low. All I wanted was my family back and now when I drop off kid I have to see her and imagine who shes talking too. I cant get it all out of my head. How do I recover from this, I tried no contact but slipped up and start texting when I miss her and she ignores them, I tried sending flowers and stuff like that, where she rejected me. I know its over but I cant get what I saw out of my head. I want her to miss me but I see shes talking to other men online, im sure met some of them. All I can think is what do they have that I don't and if my daughter whos 2 is exposed too it. I need advice thanks.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sorry you are hear. Try to put it into perspective. You wouldn't have seen anything if you weren't on the dating site too. 

Apart from that, look into IC and try to work on yourself. Exercise. Eat well. Sleep. Do not give in to neediness. Post here instead, OK?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You really have to get yourself out of this funk. I am disturbed you say you've thought about suicide. You need to get a counselor that you can pour your heart out to, and go every week or even more often for a while. I think that will really help you. Please do it, for your daughters sake. She needs a healthy dad, physically and mentally.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You need to do a 180. It won't save your marriage but it will save you. Done a year ago it might have saved your marriage.

Also, there are few things less attractive to a women than a needy man that needs her.


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Thanks for advice, i actually typed her name in the search box, im not a member, just checking too see if my suspicions were right. I hate that i was needy, and begged. i did all the wrong things. I should of done 180 from start. How do i do that with a kid. Im also thinking of moving to as different city, everything reminds me of her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Have you considered filing for divorce?

What is the economic relationship between you?

Will delaying divorce mean alimony payment from your side?

Do the 180.

Are you working out?

Can you squeeze in CrossFit of martial arts? Hard training. Physical confidence. You need the natural highs.

Your WAW is never coming back.


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Have you considered filing for divorce?
> 
> Yes im considering filing, were in ky, we hwe havent agreed on child support yet, or visitation, if it didnt need decided yet, id file. I wouldn take her back now after seeing that, i just have to find away to let go. Im back at square 1. I use to workout alot, will try to start doing that more
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Why not file for divorce yourself? She's cheating on you. She's not going to come back. 

What are you doing for the suicidal thoughts? Are you in counseling? If not, why not? You've got things that need worked out with a professional who can help you learn to work out your pain and come out of this a better person.

AS Long Walk also asked, are you working out? The gym is a great place to work out frustrations and it has the added benefits of making you more healthy and look better. It will boost your self-esteem a bit as you slowly progress and see changes. It also helps with mental funk. 

Also, what about socializing? Do you have friends? Now is a time to reconnect with old ones and make some new ones (not to dump your problems on, that is what therapy and the boards are for, but to hang out with and have fun).

There is no use in thinking about what you should have or would like to have done. That is all over. Look to your present and anticipate your future. You can come out of this better or worse, that is up to you. 

Seems like before the no contact thing was her decision. It should be yours now. Seriously, why not file for a divorce in this situation? It might put you in a better position with the court in terms of custody and alimony and all that. She will take you for everything she can if she is being the way she is now in separation. She'll walk all over you. Toughen up mentally, emotionally, socially, and physically. You need it. You can come out better, but you have to decide that you want to come out better than before, and let go of this marriage. (Get a screen shot of her match.com profile in case she changes it. It might come in useful).


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

I got on there to print out her profile and she hid it, i wish i did earlier. Will she ever get out of this fog and feel guilt. I keep thinking of how great it use to be and how it came to this. I dont understand why she didnt file first before dating. Is it cheating or am i wrong?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Will look into filing myself, maybe able to get some self respect back. Will definitely go no contact
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Yes it is cheating. She may have already had sex with somebody or an emotional affair. She using other men to deal with her own pain. It is her coping mechanism and it is one that is entirely inappropriate. You are not wrong. 

Good on no contact. And good, look into filing papers. This is about you now and you coming out better. The 180 is not just about no contact. It is about you making changes to your life that you need to make for your own health. If isolated socially, make some friends and reach out to old ones. If your are out of shape, join a gym. If you work all the time or sit around the house moping, get some hobbies. Etc. Whether you come out of this stronger is up to you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You've been separated for 9 months, and you've said you've tried dating. Stop worrying about who's "cheating" and focus on getting through this in the best way for your child. You say that you've been doing NC, but then go on to say that you've been texting and sending flowers. Read up on the 180, and start using it distance yourself in a healthy way.

C

C


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

ninersfan said:


> Thanks for advice, i actually typed her name in the search box, im not a member, just checking too see if my suspicions were right. I hate that i was needy, and begged. i did all the wrong things. I should of done 180 from start. How do i do that with a kid. Im also thinking of moving to as different city, everything reminds me of her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Live in learn. You are in better shape for future relationships. Go forward. 180 with a kid is no problem. 180 mostly occurs in your head. It is for your to find quality in life apart from a spouse that really does not love you. Part of that can and should be being a really great father.

Here is some 180 Stuff:

Using the 180 as an Emotional Hose Detachment Tool (EHRT) - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

Thank you for that, anyone able to do a 180 with kids?


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Why would wife hide profile on match after i confronted her? Nothing to hide now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

ninersfan said:


> Why would wife hide profile on match after i confronted her? Nothing to hide now
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because she wants privacy and you out of her life?


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Some people use intermediaries for handing off the kids and some go as far as to use them for all communication. Since she isn't contacting you back I think you can 180 without going that far. Business and child only. Get in shape. Take care of yourself. If she wants to come back because she likes the changes she sees you can deal with that later. The 180 is to get you healthy so you can move on and succeed.


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Thanks for the advice. I took a mountain hike yesterday to clear my head. Sticking to the 180, I guess technically what shes doing isn't cheating since shes said for months that shes done, I was the only one trying. I was begging and pleading. I am extremely hurt to know that she is out shacking up with other men when I have my daughter and it has destroyed my self confidence. I feel im a good looking guy but a introvert, its hard to get over my shyness to approach new people, but I have to try. I hate that when she has our kid she has her profile set to private and is talking away to these men. She's added a few to her facebook. I just don't feel like the man I use to be anymore after this rejection and seeing her add male models to her facebook and so on. I want to get her out of my mind and move on completely. Im doing the 180 hardcore. Joining a gym again. I have a lean swimmers build but going to get back into weight lifting to gain some muscle. I was also laid off from work this week so it all hit me at once. I have to find a new career and direction in life. I know you all have gone through similar pains, I wish you all the best in your recovery.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ninersfan said:


> Why would wife hide profile on match after i confronted her? Nothing to hide now
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because she wants you out of her personal life/business.

She is done.

Stop chasing her online/trying to find her. 

She is done. 

So focus on you and block her if you have to online.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Block her Facebook. You will feel better the less you know.

You are experiencing what most go through under similar circumstances. If your confidence wasn't hit now THAT would be different! Don't worry about meeting other women. It is easy. Responsible guy with job who has adorable daughter and is good looking. Cake.

So, your STBXW probably cheated and then got dumped after you separated. She is licking different wounds chatting up these guys.


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Because she wants you out of her personal
> 
> 
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Wife just made her profile public again. Printed it off incase i need it in future. Noticed theres men on there she added to facebook months ago. I was lied too the whole time. Makes me wonder what she did when we lived together. Could this affect child support or custody. She even has pic of our kid on dating site. Gave me chills. Im over her now, still feel alot of pain but knowing this and that i was lied to sealed it for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ninersfan said:


> Wife just made her profile public again. Printed it off incase i need it in future. Noticed theres men on there she added to facebook months ago. I was lied too the whole time. Makes me wonder what she did when we lived together. Could this affect child support or custody. She even has pic of our kid on dating site. Gave me chills. Im over her now, still feel alot of pain but knowing this and that i was lied to sealed it for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dude. You said you tried dating too. Start worrying about yourself and how you're doing, and stop worrying about her. Easier said than done, I know. But you have to start somewhere.

Have you spoken to a lawyer? Since you've been separated for 9 months, I'm guessing the profile on match won't matter much. Infidelity in a marriage doesn't matter much anymore, much less after 9 months of separation.

C


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Just something to think about:

Let's say that she calls you today and apologizes, is remorseful, and wants to get back together tonight.

Ask yourself a few questions:

Would I ever trust her again?
Do I want to be with this woman 5 years down the line?
Do I want all of the headaches that come with the baggage we will move back in with?
Do I miss her, or the idea of her and I together?
Is there someone out there that I think might actually be a better fit for me?
Do I feel this way because I really WANT her, or am I just missing the "good" memories of she and I together?

There are many more questions that get to the same point, but those are a good start. Rejection hurts. But you have something people in bad marriages don't have: a new opportunity to find someone more compatible.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

It's not cheating if you're separated and even living separately! How is it considered cheating? You're no longer 'married', you're 'separated', on the way to divorce. 

You admit you weren't a good husband which indicates that you gave her too little too late, she emotionally shut down in the time you likely weren't there for her as your marriage was falling apart.


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Your absolutely right, movealong. I could never trust her again. I would always be looking over my shoulder. I have a obsession on her i have to break. The 180 is helping, just got to stop looking her up online and meet new people
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movinonup (May 6, 2014)

Ninersfan, I find that it was very difficult at first to do a 180 (I have three small children) but then I realized I was doing it all wrong. I was still needy, and constantly wanted to either see or talk to the kids. IT sucks, but I had to get to a point where I realized this was just the new norm, and I needed to deal with it. She needed her space and I needed mine (even though I didn't want it). So it went from seeing kids every day, to texting about them every day and her not responding because I was being overbearing (I was), to fighting about it because she wasn't satisfying my every question about them, to being worried about them, to trying the 180 but being cold to her as a result, to finally waking the ef up and realizing I can make this work by just being friendly to her. Took three months. It sucked. But I'm there now. We exchange pleasantries and small talk at our transitions, talk about the kids a little bit and a funny thing they may have done, on RARE occasions she'll text me something about a thing that one of the kids did (like a milestone achievement), but other than that, we speak on the days we have the kids, and usually only at transitions. Just makes it easier.

I found that I would dread every transition because I would have to see her, there'd be things I'd be upset about with her and the same with her to me, and we'd usually end up in some sort of fight before hand by text, while all at the same time me still having a terrible time getting over her. Keep it simple. If you're cool in front of your kids then that will automatically help with the way you're feeling. Not obviously all the way but it certainly will help. No need to text or email or call throughout the week. If you find yourself about to send something, just ask, is this something I need righ tnow, or can it just wait until I see her when I get the kids?

Food for thought. It's helped me tremendously, I still struggle though but it's way better than it used to be.

Also this is assuming you live in separate places?


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Thanks movinonup, its great to here others making it too the other side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Shes on match, would it be a mistake to join same site and talked to women or would that be a mistake? Ill probably stick to the old fashion way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

ninersfan,

Time to act like a man and admit accept reality. Have some self respect and get your act together and be a great dad. Your ex is your ex.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ninersfan said:


> Shes on match, would it be a mistake to join same site and talked to women or would that be a mistake? Ill probably stick to the old fashion way
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ask yourself this... Why join the same site that she's on? To push her buttons? If so, then that's not part of the 180. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Yeah , i gotta get some self respect. Had a moment of weakness, ive been following 180. Its hard but it will get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

I got to get the courage to file divorce. It hurts to force our kid into a broken home as many of you know. I just dont see any other option. I dont think she would ever get out of this fog. No dating sites for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Update: wife filed for divorce. Im taking everything hard. I keep thinking about the good times and how i cant be a fulltime father anymore, it hurts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheBaxter (May 19, 2014)

You have to be strong for your kids. Your wife is going to do what she's going to do. You have to let it go and just concentrate on protecting yourself as much as possible.


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Thanks baxter, its hard being civil during dropping off kid, i keep wanting to give her a piece of my mind how shes forcing our child into a broken home, how i have to be a weekend dad and all the pain shes caused. I feel like she isnt thinking of our child at all, shes too busy talking to other men. It really burns me up that she put our kids pic on a dating site with all the online predators out there. Im just full with alot of anger right now but i have gone 180 and dont text at all and give short answers when we exchange child. Its hard not too go off though but hopefully it gets better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ninersfan said:


> Update: wife filed for divorce. Im taking everything hard. I keep thinking about the good times and how i cant be a fulltime father anymore, it hurts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry.

Please get legal counsel so you can protect your rights under the law and as presentation for the divorce.

The good news is that you are in the worst part of it right now. No other time during the separation/divorce will ever be as raw or bad as this one. Meaning, it gets easier from here on out. Promise.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

I forget, are you in IC? It will help with the anger.

Anger is not a primary emotion. It is a secondary one which means it feeds off other deeper ones. Sadness for example. For me, when I am sad, I get angry because I feel better when I am angry than when I am sad. It covers up what I should be dealing with inside myself. So it is important to let yourself feel sad over the situation, but not depression sad. Get out and do things: go to the gym; join some kind of social club or outing; join a religious service for a time; meet some friends and reconnect with old ones; etc. 

Your marriage will be officially over soon. Get legal counsel. Get counseling. You want to keep your integrity intact and look back and say to yourself that you acted the best you could now. And you don't want your actions to come back to haunt you. Be civil. No telling people off. No cursing out, no yelling, no snide remarks. No retaliation in kind if she does any of these. Walk away. That is the courageous thing here.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I would write her a letter and tell her to take children's photo down from the dating site immediately. Furthermore, request that she inform you when she has done it. 

Step fathers are a risk to children.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> I would write her a letter and tell her to take children's photo down from the dating site immediately. Furthermore, request that she inform you when she has done it.


Bad, bad advice. Stay off her dating page...her personal life is no longer any of your business.

While I wouldn't post my kid's picture anywhere on the internet...she's probably doing it because she's dating new guys and wants them to know that being a mom is important to her and she's a package deal. Guys that don't want to deal with a woman with children won't date her...which is a good thing.

You have zero right...legally or otherwise to tell her to take down the photo. She doesn't have to do anything or inform you of anything.



> Step fathers are a risk to children.


How idiotic. By that token, men in general statistically abuse their biological kids more than women do...maybe they should never have custody/access to their children since they're a higher statistical threat.

See how stupid that is?

This poster has enough issues without some misogynistic wingnut showing him how to be a bitter prick.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think it is reasonable for her to protect her children by not advertising a young daughter. Pervs don't need extra help finding vulnerable children to prey on. This child is vulnerable because mom isn't concerned with using a child's photo to attract men.

Nikita, I am sure you mean well but the chances of a girl being molested is massive and the more unrelated men in their lives the higher the risk. 

The mother is not thinking.

I would suggest a rational discussion instead of an ultimatum. Surely she loves their daughter and hasn't considered the situation properly.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> I think it is reasonable for her to protect her children by not advertising a young daughter. Pervs don't need extra help finding vulnerable children to prey on. This child is vulnerable because mom isn't concerned with using a child's photo to attract men.
> 
> Nikita, I am sure you mean well but the chances of a girl being molested is massive and the more unrelated men in their lives the higher the risk.
> 
> ...



I would never post my kids pictures anywhere on the internet. I have never and would never use FB, etc. However, that's me. While its fine to attempt to discuss with her...ultimately its her decision and she has zero responsibly to answer to a stbx husband. She is the children's mother and has the right to determine her own course of action.

If she dates again she will also determine who is fit to be around the kids. As a mother this was her responsibility during marriage and will continue to be her responsibility during/after divorce. She doesn't require anyone else's input.

People post pictures of their kids all over the internet...its very common. Again, I wouldn't do it but to each their own. If she thinks its fine and safe...that's her business.

This mother has to decide who is fit to be around her kids. If she dates, that's up to her. Its irrelevant what her ex thinks, its irrelevant what statistics say...she is their mother and will decide who is appropriate.

Telling a divorcing guy that he has any right to control his stbx in how she parents her own children when they are in her care is ill-advised. It suggests that he has some level of control when in reality, he has none and should have none. This couple is separated, headed to divorce and his input into her private life is no longer required. In addition, she'll be parenting the children on her time with the kids as she sees fit and doesn't require his input.

He should concentrate on moving on with his own life in a healthy manner. He wouldn't even have seen the picture if he hadn't be on-line stalking her.

She's allowed to date...she's allowed to decide how to manage new partner's with her parenting life. It isn't a crime and I'm sure she's perfectly capable of figuring it out. Most mothers are very protective of their children without a man's help.

The bottom line is that suggesting to this poster that he has any control over how his ex conducts her dating life and parenting life post separation is ridiculous. He has zero control unless he suspects the kids are abused and in that case, he doesn't need to talk to her, he should call child protective services....otherwise, he should get into the habit of distancing himself and moving on with his own life.

By the way, my own ex sent me a legal letter telling me to stop having men around my daughter (I've been in a serious relationship since I got separated). I ignored it and ignored every email he sent on the matter. Eventually he stopped. I am a grown woman who's been raising kids for over 20 years...I never required my ex's input on how to protect my own children from anything. 

My point is that this woman has a right to privacy. She has the right to put what she deems is appropriate on a dating website since she's getting divorced.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> This poster has enough issues without some misogynistic *wingnut *showing him how to be a* bitter prick*.


You are free to have a different opinion about what OP should or shouldn't do. Make your argument and leave it at that. I think the he can think for himself and doesn't need you to label me or other posters.

A single mother should date without exposing her children to men who may or may not end up having anything to do with their lives. Those men should know that she has children once she has met them and feels comfortable with them. Putting the children forward in the beginning is not in their interests.

OP does not have right to control her, but he can object to her doing this and he can state it diplomatically.

ClipClop,

You're back!


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> A single mother should date without exposing her children to men who may or may not end up having anything to do with their lives. Those men should know that she has children once she has met them and feels comfortable with them. Putting the children forward in the beginning is not in their interests.


Its her decision and its up to her to decide what's appropriate.

The information was obtained by this poster following her around online. She has a right to privacy.

And to suggest that stepfathers are abusers is irresponsible. There are millions upon millions of wonderful stepfathers. 

Statistically there are a lot more biological dads than biological mothers that abuse their children but that's irrelevant to whether or not men should be in their children's lives. Of course they should.

I consider trying to slander women's ability to make appropriate determinations about their children's safety just because they decide to leave their marriages and want to date new men extremely misogynistic.



> OP does not have right to control her, but he can object to her doing this and he can state it diplomatically.


He can certainly send her whatever email he wants. But if she ignores it, there's nothing he can do about it...its her choice. I have always ignored anything my ex emails me that isn't regarding parenting.

What I would suggest is that he stays off her dating profile and let this woman have some privacy while she moves on with her life.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

By the way, lets talk about some molestation statistics...

Sources: The Abel and Harlow Child Molestation Prevention Study and the 1999 U.S. Census Statistical Abstract

Of Admitted Molesters:

77% are married or were formerly married
46% were college educated v.s. 30% that only were high school educated
69% worked
79% were caucasian
and 93% were religious

*The difference between a biological vs step/foster relationship is biological relationships are about 19% of admitted abuse cases and about 30% are non-biological. (this is actually one of the less statistically relevant considerations).*

Most relevant statistically was that 1 out of every 20 men are molesters while only 1 out of every 3300 women are.

So per the earlier logic. No woman should allow her child around any male...especially if he's white, religious and educated.

All mothers should stick to being lesbians who...just to be safe...stick to atheist racial minorities with only a high school education.

Orrrr...we could skip the gender bashing crap and judge people as individuals and let women moving on from bad marriages determine the characteristics they see fit in the men they want to date and bring near their children.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

ninersfan said:


> Thanks baxter, its hard being civil during dropping off kid, i keep wanting to give her a piece of my mind how shes forcing our child into a broken home, how i have to be a weekend dad and all the pain shes caused. I feel like she isnt thinking of our child at all, shes too busy talking to other men. It really burns me up that she put our kids pic on a dating site with all the online predators out there. Im just full with alot of anger right now but i have gone 180 and dont text at all and give short answers when we exchange child. Its hard not too go off though but hopefully it gets better.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Seriously bro. Man up. I'm going to get out a big effen 2x4 right now. So I say this with Bro-love. 

You can't fix a woman. Telling her why she's wrong and how she's f-ing up your marriage is part if the problem! Own your shît. 

Women tend to leave a marriage long after it was actually over. I bet money she was "checked out" six months before she actually left. 

Now here you are pining for her and how she broke up the marriage and is making you a part time dad. I have news for you. There's always two broken people in a marriage. What did you do to break your half?

Did you keep in shape? Did you lead at home and in the bedroom? Were your finances in shape? Did you make her knees wobble?

Now hers the bro-love. Go lift some heavy ****. Get a great job. Become financially secure. Get a purpose that you are singularly focused on. Stop putting her on a pedestal. Your daughter will be fine. Do these things and be the best "you" you can be. Stop the oneitis. The fact is we are all replaceable. In fact there is someone BETTER than all of us.

Embrace the suck. Ditch your STBXW and upgrade. 

My wife is a good woman. I love her. But I have no doubt there is a woman right behind her that can take her place.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Putting the children on the web is a parenting decision.

Link to a recent and comprehensive study on child abuse.



> Based on her 2000 review of the ‘overwhelming empirical evidence,’ the American legal academic Robin F. Wilson identified ‘more than seventy social studies’ that
> established the link between child sexual abuse and family breakdown:
> 
> Virtually all studies of child sexual abuse report that girls living with stepfathers are at high risk, leading one sociologist to conclude that the presence of a stepfather is ‘[t]he family feature whose risk has been most dramatically demonstrated.’ This dim appraisal reflects an emerging consensus that disagrees about details but not essentials …
> ...


Of course, divorced men and women have every right to go on live their lives without interference by their ex. But good co-parenting means that the introduction of step parents and SO is discussed when the children are young. My ex has a new boyfriend, she may live together with him. She told me so. I've met him a couple of times. It's no big deal.

Our children are 16 and 19. I don't have to worry about any strange stuff happening. I know my ex is reliable and has good judgment.

Putting young children's pictures on a dating site = poor judgment. The mother does not see the boundaries to protect her own children.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

:iagree: (with U.E. McGill's post)

Divorce can be a positive experience if you admit your own culpabilities.

Well said!


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> Studies examining the prevalence of child sexual abuse in different types of families have also found the overall number of children
> sexually abused by biological fathers to be greater because a minority of children grow up with stepfathers. But retrospective studies clearly find that proportionately more ‘stepfathers’ abuse their divorced or never-married partner’s children.


So children being around men puts them in a high risk of being abused.

And the differential between biological and non-biological is only about a 11-13% statistical difference. There are higher statistical risk factors...as I've already stated per the U.S. census data.

You want to slant the facts to favor your argument but I can do the same and its equally pointless.

The only point is that after divorce both genders need to use their own judgment in determining who is appropriate to bring around their children. Each ex-spouse has the right to privacy in figuring that out. Parents before and after divorce have to make judgments about who's in their kids lives everyday.



> Putting young children's pictures on a dating site = poor judgment. The mother does not see the boundaries to protect her own children.


Millions of people put their kids pictures on FB everyday. And they meet people to date on there after divorce regularly. Again, I don't use FB but I'm also not ridiculous enough to suggest that every person that puts their kid's pic up on FB and then ends up making a date with someone they meet on there is putting their kid in danger.

Poor judgment = cyber stalking your ex on an online dating site.


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Mcgill, what you said, i really take too heart. I put this woman on a pedestal and i made my share of mistakes in this marriage. Your right, we are all replacable, time to man up and learn from it. Ill take nikitas advice also and move on and let go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

Niners. I think you're going to have to fake it for a while and force yourself to simply not follow her online etc. Spend some time on yourself. Talk a lot to friends and family you can trust...people who will let you just talk until you're tired and then help you work through it. It will become easier with time.

The thing to know about women is that in the mode she's in...she's gone. And even if you got her back, it wouldn't work.

Life is all about change and people who are happy learn to deal with change....the good and the bad. All relationships end...all of them. Its just a matter of when and how.

Let her move on. There's very few times in your life that you can truly feel ok about being a bit selfish and just concentrating on you. You're going to find out that with time that you saw her and your relationship with her through rose-colored glasses. And once you figure out what happened, you can learn things about yourself and how to be a better partner to the right person. You'll be a better dad too.

My very best wishes to you in getting through this time. You seem like a really good guy and I bet you'll find a great girl to spend your future life with soon.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Nikita, what is your story? As a father he has every right to make decisions about his daughter's online presence. 

Why would you be willing to argue the numbers when the risk exists at all?

Explain yourself.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

clipclop2 said:


> Nikita, what is your story? As a father he has every right to make decisions about his daughter's online presence.
> 
> Why would you be willing to argue the numbers when the risk exists at all?
> 
> Explain yourself.


He can ask/demand/whatever all he likes. But he can't do anything about it. 

Personally, I think he'd get the best reaction if he approaches her calmly and rationally, and simply requests that she not put their daughters face on the pics, if nothing else. Don't give her a bad time about her having a profile or anything, just say that the daughters pic make him feel uncomfortable. I'm just not sure he can do it in a way that makes him not seem like a stalker or a jealous STBX.

C


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I agree. But I also don't believe he has no say. I don't know his wife but if for instance she were a real ho I would have zero issue getting a lawyer and asking a judge to help me protect my daughter.

I think mum is probably not mature enough to understand that she is advertising her daughter while advertising herself. She will likely be offended when it is pointed out so how it is aproached matters. I really dont believe she wants to risk her girl. She just isn't concious of the risk.

Tact.


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## scottaj74 (Dec 1, 2013)

I'm stoked I found this thread because I'm in exactly the same place. My wife left 7 months ago and I've been having the same hard time and feelings letting go. I constantly feel like marriage is joke and that I now can't understand why any reasonable man would risk getting married (69% of marriages end within 8 years).

I feel the same in that my mind goes to a place of, "thanks for destroying the family and putting me into a once every other weekend dad status". It's hard not to get angry over this. We read a few books and went to a marriage counsellor once before she threw in the towel. It's like saying I want to get fit, I read a book, I did a workout, and **** it I'm not ripped liked I was expecting. I'm ****ing outta here. Jeebus, what did you expect?

It's so hard to amicable. I want her to feel the pain and venom she's inflicted. 

Yah dude, it blows big time.......


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Nikita and the others who talk about moving on are correct. Once you have separated and you ex sees other men, R is not going to happen. The only factors that could drive you together are economic problems. Say you won the lottery, maybe your ex would date you again.

There was one TAM woman who divorced her husband and then fell in love with him a couple of years later. They co-parented and met while swapping their daughter and bang it hit her, that funny love feeling. But he had a new relationship, so her change of heart had no recourse. It was painful to read her posts.

Life goes on.

Scott, can't you get 50/50 custody?


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Scotta and Niners, take this as lesson. Yeah it sucks. It's too late to fix. Hell, you may have lost a good woman (I doubt it). 

Fix yourself. Be awesome. Look inside and find out what was the issues that caused you to check out. 

Then go find another woman and upgrade. 

Right now you need to fake it until you make it. Treat your ex's with dignity and respect. They are the mother of your kids. Be business like with the kids. Be involved. Never miss a pick up. Don't be late. FaceTime every chance you can. Make it all about the kids. Don't tolerate bad behavior either. Businesslike. 

Go get some guy friends. Do manly shît. Go shoot a gun. Go fishing. Go camping. Go work on cars. But go be in the company of men. Personally there's nothing better than being on the water or putting lead down range. 

Next, go get strong. Go to a program like CrossFit. Why? Because there's people there that will get on the floor and do that last push up with you when your struggling through your first class. I will be tore up gasping for air, watching a new guy struggle, and jump to do that last set with him, why? Because someone did it for me, and that kept me there. 

There's some great dads out there that are focused on their singular purpose. Maybe they're military. Maybe they're long haul truckers. What ever. They don't see their kids all the time, but you know what? Still awesome dads. Don't get too invested in "time" on the job, equals great dad. Me, I'm typing this in a hotel room. But hey that's my purpose. 

Go be awesome.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> Nikita, what is your story? As a father he has every right to make decisions about his daughter's online presence.


I've explained myself. My point is simply that he cannot make decisions about what his ex does online with the kid's picture unless she's guilty of some child pornography crime that he could charge her for.

He can ask her all she wants but ultimately its her decision...not his.

By the way, people post their kids pics all over facebook and meet and date people on there all the time. Its commonplace these days.



> I feel the same in that my mind goes to a place of, "thanks for destroying the family and putting me into a once every other weekend dad status


Why did you end up with EOW status? 



> I agree. But I also don't believe he has no say. I don't know his wife but if for instance she were a real ho I would have zero issue getting a lawyer and asking a judge to help me protect my daughter.


lol, No judge is going to give a rat's butt about someone having their kid's dating pic on their website. That would be a waste of time and money and encourage any woman to simply ramp up conflict.

Again, he can certainly explain his position to the ex and ask her to take the picture down but ultimately he has ZERO control.

Ultimately, it would be better for him if he simply stopped following her around online.



> Regardless of the legalities involved, posting a picture of their child on a dating website illustrates OP's STBX incredible naivety at best, and poor judgement at worst.


I'm not suggesting she's showing good judgment...what I'm saying is that its her prerogative to decide to do it. If we removed kids from every parent with bad judgment, we'd have millions of parentless children running around.

OP, Ultimately when you're getting divorced, you have to start coming to the realization that you have to detach. You're going to disagree with a million things she does...especially concerning the child. Get used to it and get used to being able to do absolutely nothing about it.

Mark my words, you'll going to find that this is one in a long list of things you don't like about what she's doing with your kid and you're going to have to learn to deal with it without conflict if you want to have an emotionally healthy kid.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Regarding the comment about going to do "guy things" like "shoot a gun": The last thing this world needs is more men shooting guns. There are more productive things to do to get back your confidence and stop stalking your wife. 

Nikkita has the best posts in this thread in my view. Follow her advice and you'll find yourself becoming a healthier, saner, more physically, emotionally, and mentally fit person.


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Scottaj74, im sorry too hear your going through same thing, like you, i dont believe in marriage anymore as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

This site has been a big help. Im glad i found it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You don't believe in marriage anymore? What does that mean? People get married everyday...

Or do you really mean you will never get married again? Kind of self-pity martyr thought if you ask me.


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Arendt, i think marriage is great, i just have the fear of divorce now. Im still in a angry bitter state. Im sure my opinion will ch as nge when i meet the right person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ninersfan said:


> Arendt, i think marriage is great, i just have the fear of divorce now. Im still in a angry bitter state. Im sure my opinion will ch as nge when i meet the right person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to go out to the rifle range with me and shoot my SOCOM M-14. You would change your mind about guns.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ninersfan said:


> Arendt, i think marriage is great, i just have the fear of divorce now. Im still in a angry bitter state. Im sure my opinion will ch as nge when i meet the right person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're going through the anger phase like we all did. It's normal man. Just give yourself a break for gods sake. It's okay to grieve the loss of your marriage. Quit moping and stay active. Spoil yourself. Be good to yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ninersfan (Jun 2, 2014)

Thanks bandit, time to start living again, i agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> You're going through the anger phase like we all did. It's normal man. Just give yourself a break for gods sake. It's okay to grieve the loss of your marriage. Quit moping and stay active. Spoil yourself. Be good to yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Good advice. Definitely grieve on your own schedule and then put it behind you. A wounded man who's never getting married again because his ex hurt him is unattractive, and why should I pay for the sins of a guy's ex? That's like me saying my ex was a jerk in bed so i'm never giving bj's or being vulnerable in bed again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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