# Trying but getting nothing in return



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

In our situation we've drifted a little and when we talked about it I asked him what would make him happier and let's start with those things. I committed to not only changing those things but also wanted to improve myself and started with attitude, I've become very positive and changed from existing to living. He says he still loves me, wants it to work, we still sleep in the same bed, he is still affectionate but emotionally he has pulled away and he has changed nothing. He's looking for that something missing in his head without changing anything...I think it will be a long and fruitless search. Happiness is a state of mind. I've suggested a temporary separation...no that will not help he said. He did say he wanted time along so that is what I thought but I guess he just wanted time as in a few hours maybe to go see a movie by himself. Fine...do it. I've never had an issue with him ever going out. I feel people need to do that. 

Tonight for me the issue was feeling so tired of putting in all the energy with no energy on his part. I told him calmly that he never asked me what I needed, and that is part of what I needed. We can't reconnect if we're only meeting his needs. I know my nature is one I don't want to be alone or just exist so if he's not committed to trying please tell me now. As hard as it is, I will move on. I want to feel loved and wanted. 

Maybe that was bad...but I think what I am saying is I have this hole, where I used to have such deep intense feeling of being loved. I want it back and if he can't give it to me then I need to fill that need. I know this is a dangerous thought...could leave me susceptible to a bad rebound relationship but I guess I want him to try or leave. He did seem shocked by what I said and he asked if this was my feeling (him not wanting me) or did he do something to make me feel that way. I say he was doing it. He also said he did want to make it work. Didn't say what he'd do differently or not. 

I know it can take as long as a year to fix a relationship that has gone off course, but what if only one person is trying to fix it? I'm not sure I am strong enough to do it all by myself....I don't think I want to.


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## blind (Jan 17, 2008)

I've read most of your posts and am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. I am in a very similar situation. Like you, I have made many positive changes in myself and have been doing all I can to save my troubled marriage. I too have been the only one to make effort to right the ship. I want to let you know that I (and many others) understand your feelings. I know what it is like to be the only one that is willing to work toward saving the marriage. I know this hurts badly. Keep working on yourself. It is often very difficult to keep your chin up while dealing with all of this. I too struggle with that. When I'm focused on improving myself I tend to take this all a little better. You'll be a better person regardless of the outcome. Don't give up on this. You've mentioned on more than one occassion that your husband still loves you and wants this to work. I appreciate it is tough to believe this when his actions do not show his love and desire. As long as he still loves you and wants this to work, the two of you have a chance at being happily married. But, he'll need to do his part. You will have to find patience in all of this. I too wonder just how long I can go on being the only one that seems to care enough to put forth the effort. Who knows how much we can take. I know that my greatest desire is to have a happy marriage with my wife. Giving up will only bring about my biggest fear. If your desire is to be happily married to your husband, you can't give up. It will only bring about the very thing you are working so hard to avoid.

My best to you.

Blind


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Well the situation has improved. We had a heart to heart and he did take to heart what I had said. I asked him what he was doing to fix what was wrong and he said he was being patient, he knew I was making changes and they were in the right direction. So I said that implies I broke it and you are waiting for me to fix it. That got him to thinking. I also told him how that made me feel, and how much I did for our family: running kids around right now 99% of the time to daycare and activities (they have a lot), he used to do about 40% but he's busier at work lately, work full time + (its from home office so I have lots of flexibility), cook all meals, grocery shop, keep the inside of the house clean (he does outside), pay all bills and manage our finances, and manage his business finances and he did not give me credit for any of that. The big kicker was everyone else has said to me how great I look EXCEPT him. Also he has a friendship with a neighbor (an 18 year old girl) that is platonic but at this vulnerable stage who knows what that can turn in to and to me its just weird. Truth is she has a major crush on him and at 41 he is flattered but she is also a little bit disturbed so no telling what could happen. I told him if he wanted to make this work he has to not respond to her (she texts him often...she used to babysit for us so this had normal cause but now...) he readily agreed (he knows I can check on this). Since he did that I'm seeing a huge change in him and his attitude, he is more loving towards me AND towards the kids. Things that irritated him last week with the kids make him laugh this week. I know she wasn't the entire problem, I know now some places we both got derailed he also says he loves the self-confidence that has come out in me since I began regularly working out. I actually feel great now in a bathing suit....I was always one who would wear shorts with it or a cover up. I know we'll still have ups and downs but I feel we've started down the right path and we're walking down it together. As hard as it is, I know patience, love, and understanding are the keys to succeeding. I am sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation and I hope that your wife will see all that you are doing and begin to reciprocate. Thanks so much for your thoughts and support.


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## Missy (Jul 11, 2008)

You have done your part with your stuff, but you are right. The changes cannot just come from you it has to meet both of your needs. Make a list of your needs and rank them on importance to you. Then discuss with him. If he doesnt want to meet you in the middle then you need to find out what is holding him back. There might be some kind of mental block he has going on. 

change is constant and you both have to change not just one side otherwise it wont work. 

I am sorry for your issues and I do hope they get better. Keep fighting.

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Missy~
tripleaytche.com
getting back to basics.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Missy said:


> You have done your part with your stuff, but you are right. The changes cannot just come from you it has to meet both of your needs. Make a list of your needs and rank them on importance to you. Then discuss with him. If he doesnt want to meet you in the middle then you need to find out what is holding him back. There might be some kind of mental block he has going on.
> 
> change is constant and you both have to change not just one side otherwise it wont work.
> 
> ...



Thank you! I know you are right. Tonight he admitted this may well be a midlife crisis but he has no idea on how to make himself feel better. I told him happiness was a conscious decision you make. He did ask for help from me so I feel encouraged. I have been telling him some of my needs, tonight I told him I need to make my partner happy, without that I feel empty. I don't make him happy and so I feel so empty inside. He said "you don't make me unhappy". I told him it was not enough. Making a list is a good idea.


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