# Depressed about losing my best friends



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm still in bed after four days. I don't know where to post this but I might get the best help here. 

I hate judging people, everyone has faults. I just had to do what was in my heart and now I'm lonely. 

My two best friends in the world I have lost. We have been friends since high school (35 years).

They both have been cheating on their respective husbands for five years. I tried to keep it seperate and not judge, it's their path and their husbands both know so I tried to respect their lifestyle. 

I just found, I could not have friends like this anymore. Listening to them talk such selfishness became too much for me. I see what you mean about the fog. It's sickening. 

I know they understand why I walked away from their friendship but it has been harder on me than walking away from my own marriage. 

These where the two best friends I ever had. One normally doesn't make new best friends in their 50's. 

I can't go back and I do feel it was the right choice but I am just so sad this all had to happen.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Yes, it's sad, but you did the right thing because you had to stay friends with yourself.

To remain friends with cheaters, knowing what you know about the depth of the pain that betrayal causes to others, would mean a betrayal of your own integrity and self respect.

You rock!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm sorry Rugs. That sucks so bad. 

What was their respective reactions? Anger or apathy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Hanging around with people that cheat can put you in a situation where if others see them and know of their activities, for some reason the assume that if your hanging around them, then you also follow in the same foot steps.

Note that I said assume and notice the first three letters in that word.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Maybe if more people did this, cheaters might get the message! Maybe not a lot, but some. The fog is powerful, but one of my wife's friends did what you did and more (she sort of tipped me off too), and it totally brought my wife out of her fog, so much so that she actually confessed to me. I wish one of her other friends would have done so earlier! I still can't talk with them. In fact one of my WW's "friends" let my wife use her apartment for her "lunch meetings" with the POSOM. Sick.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

I also have lost contact with two of my best friends from High School. If you would have asked me 30 years ago I would have said that we would be friends for life. One of them, we just are so busy with our own lives that we just don't hardly ever talk anymore - I do hope that changes as our kids go off on their own.

The other friend as of about six months ago, I avoid like the plague - luckily he lives about 4 hours away. He is what is referred to a serial cheater on all women he has ever been in a relationship with. During college, I just kind of laughed at him and actually helped him pick up women even though he was engaged to be married. He cheated on his 1st wife during his bachelor party. At my bachelor party, he cheated on his wife. At my other friends bachelor party (the one I mentioned above) he cheated on his wife. He has been married three times now - has five kids from all three exes (ages two to twenty four) - hardly sees any of these kids. Nasty divorce to wife number two three years ago. Married a stripper for wife number three - she took all his money and the kids after two years. He ended up on probation for assault during the divorce to wife number two as she accused him of choking her.

About nine months ago - just after wife number three left him - he calls me to tell me good bye as he was going to kill himself. So I got ahold of his father to warn him and the father told me that my friend has done this many times over the last 10 years and that my friend is too much of a narcissist to kill himself. About a month after that, my friends older daughter calls me a tells me my friend is in jail again because he broke probation - then the father calls me and they both wanted me to bail him out ($20K) because he could not get a bail bond - apparently had failed to show up to a hearing while out on bail before. No one had the cash to get him out and he had already been in for two weeks. The father begged me so I gave him the money (after all it's my best friend from high school) so he gets bailed out. well - I am still out the money even though he got the money back when he went back to court again and got is probation extended and luckily not put back in jail. I told my friend to keep the money as he was flat broke. Then, he calls me about three months ago - and complains that my wife (he actually called her "my honey") has not taken his second wife off of her Facebook and that he was insulted and that she needed to do that now. I told him that my wife can be friends with anyone she likes and hung up. I will never speak to this guy again - that is not the friend I knew in high school - and no one will ever talk about my wife like that - ever.

So my conclusion is - over 30 years - friends change and you change - so in the end - maybe time to not be friends if you end up incompatible.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Last month, I terminated a 15 year old friendship. I told him twice in the span of a week to end his A and confess to his wife. He didn't do it. The third time I told him if he doesn't do it, I'll tell his wife. He chose to portray me as crazy to his wife. So I just told his wife the password to his phone and mailed to mutual friends that I'm cutting him out of my life till he doesn't end his destructive behavior. 

His wife and his kids treat me with love and respect. That alone makes me responsible for their wellbeing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Last month, I terminated a 15 year old friendship. I told him twice in the span of a week to end his A and confess to his wife. He didn't do it. The third time I told him if he doesn't do it, I'll tell his wife. He chose to portray me as crazy to his wife. So I just told his wife the password to his phone and mailed to mutual friends that I'm cutting him out of my life till he doesn't end his destructive behavior.
> 
> His wife and his kids treat me with love and respect. That alone makes me responsible for their wellbeing.


:toast:

If there were a "chestbump" emoticon, I would add that as well.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> :toast:
> 
> If there were a "chestbump" emoticon, I would add that as well.


Everyone stood and watched my home burn but did nothing. I can't be like them, bro.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Everyone stood and watched my home burn but did nothing. I can't be like them, bro.


Werd. Ditto. I'd do the same to or for any of my buddies. Having said that...

I feel very guilty for not telling my sister-in-law last year that my brother was cheating on her. This is how it went down...

One day my brother calls me and tells me that he needs to talk. There was something in his voice that told me that it was serious. They'd had their issues off and on over the years and had recently adopted a little boy, so I hoped that it would amount to nothing more than the usual marital stress. Boy, was I wrong.

He'd become emotionally involved w/ one of his employees -- a very young (but of legal age) employee. We drove around for a while talking and, at the end of if, I left w/ the impression that I'd convinced him to break it off. When I checked in w/ him a week or so later, he told me that he had. I'd also urged him to tell his wife, but he wouldn't commit to that.

Well, he lied to me. He hadn't broken it off, and it only escalated from there. To this day he swears that they stopped *just short* of PIV, but it was still a PA. In the end my SIL found out from their pastor. I chided my brother (I called him a gutless coward, or something to that effect) for not telling her himself but, in truth, I held myself -- to some degree -- in the same regard.

Here's the thing... A week or two before she found out, my SIL texted me wanting to know if something was up w/ my brother. At the time he'd convinced me that nothing was going on, so I found a way to tell her -- w/o "technically" lying -- that I was unaware of anything and that she should just talk w/ him. And then, when she found out, she called me and asked why I didn't tell her. I told her that a) he'd told me that he'd broken it off and I believed him, and b) I was hesitant to insert myself into their marriage in that way. After all, I'd urged him to both end his EA _and_ confess to her. Everything that I said to her was true but, even still, to this day I regret not telling her.

But here's the other thing... He's my little brother, and he always will be. If I'd broken his confidence and told her, or if I'd given him some sort of ultimatum (you tell her or I will), he'd never tell me anything ever again, and I'd never be able to give him any advice ever again. And, believe me, he often needs it.

I can't tell you how many times we've both heard, and from both of our parents... "Boys, one day your mother/father and I won't be here. When that day comes, the two of you will have to look out for each other. Even if you're married w/ wives and children of your own, at the end of the day, you will only ever *truly* have each other to count on." They literally drilled this into us.

Still, he's now aware that, should he ever put me in such a situation ever again, I will not fail to do what's right, regardless of whatever fallout occurs between us.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Gus, your situation sucks. I hope none of my brothers does that to me and vice versa. Now that you know what he is capable of, your relationship with him has lost its innocence. 

Sorry for your loss.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Gus, your situation sucks. I hope none of my brothers does that to me and vice versa. *Now that you know what he is capable of, your relationship with him has lost its innocence. *
> 
> Sorry for your loss.


Ha! Not really. I grew up w/ the guy, so I am and always have been totally and completely aware of the fact that he's perfectly capable of making boneheaded and 110% irresponsible decisions. In fact, he's downright proficient at it. Seriously... It's almost as if he delights in the disapproval of others.

Infidelity, though? To be honest, it was a (very) small shock that took all of about half a second for me to process. At the time he had been very involved w/ his church for a number of years, but I'm savvy enough to know that that alone isn't a very good deterrent, as it's rarely enough to keep people from thinking w/ their crotches.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Ha! Not really. I grew up w/ the guy, so I am and always have been totally and completely aware of the fact that he's perfectly capable of making boneheaded and 110% irresponsible decisions. In fact, he's downright proficient at it. Seriously... It's almost as if he delights in the disapproval of others.
> 
> Infidelity, though? To be honest, it was a (very) small shock that took all of about half a second for me to process. At the time he had been very involved w/ his church for a number of years, but I'm savvy enough to know that that alone isn't a very good deterrent, as it's rarely enough to keep people from thinking w/ their crotches.


My xWW kept telling me 'Jesus forgave'. One day I got really pissed and told her Jesus was never cuckolded.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> My xWW kept telling me 'Jesus forgave'. One day I got really pissed and told her Jesus was never cuckolded.


He also gave men explicit permission to divorce their wives for sexual immorality.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

But I do think a true friend does stick by you thick or thin. I always felt our friendships were unconditional. 

I lost respect and I did not think that would happen. I haven't always been the best friend. In some ways I am torn. Maybe my feelings are temporary, I just don't know. 

Picture know they need someone to talk to too. I am a BS and I'm sure that comes into play somewhat, but I never liked selfish people. I've heard and seen things I wish I hadn't. 

I'm rambling but I don't know if MY choice was selfish. They are so happy with their new cheating lives and justified their ruining families at every turn. What happened? I'm so ashamed that these are/were my friends and yet, I somewhat understand that I would not want my friends to abandon me should I make a terrible mistake. 

And now, I have no one to talk to as well. 

Sad and mad at the same time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rugs said:


> But I do think a true friend does stick by you thick or thin. I always felt our friendships were unconditional.
> 
> I lost respect and I did not think that would happen. I haven't always been the best friend. In some ways I am torn. Maybe my feelings are temporary, I just don't know.
> 
> ...


Are they still cheating on their husbands? It's one thing to make a "mistake", it's quite another to keep doing it over and over and over, all while ignoring the advice of friends. If they confided this to you knowing of your own experiences w/ infidelity, that's pretty brazen, insensitive, and just rude.

Are their husbands aware of their infidelities? If not, clue them in. That should help you to move on.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

OP said that the husbands know. And apparently are putting up with it (?)

Did they do this together as a "pact" or something?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Philat said:


> OP said that the husbands know. And apparently are putting up with it (?)
> 
> Did they do this together as a "pact" or something?



No pact, just coincidence. 

Yes, both husbands know although they do not know how long it's been going on. 

Yes, one husband is cheating as well and the other is at the begging stage.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Are they still cheating on their husbands? It's one thing to make a "mistake", it's quite another to keep doing it over and over and over, all while ignoring the advice of friends. If they confided this to you knowing of your own experiences w/ infidelity, that's pretty brazen, insensitive, and just rude.
> 
> Are their husbands aware of their infidelities? If not, clue them in. That should help you to move on.


:iagree:

It IS insensitive, but again they think their excuses are acceptable (of course) in their case. Their lives are Fvcked up and I just don't want any part of it anymore. 

It took me a long time to get my life somewhat sorted out and I don't wanted to be sucked into that kind of terrible drama anymore. 

My only priority is my children, my health, and my home. 

It's just hard to dislike everyone.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I sure hope that someone talks to the H in the begging stage to come here for some help. 

I also hope he knows how long she has been cheating.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Rugs said:


> But I do think a true friend does stick by you thick or thin. I always felt our friendships were unconditional.
> 
> I lost respect and I did not think that would happen. I haven't always been the best friend. In some ways I am torn. Maybe my feelings are temporary, I just don't know.
> 
> ...


Real friendship is when two people stand on the same moral ground. You and them don't and sometimes it takes so many years to realize what they're capable of.
Situations like this put a limit to your friendship ...and quite honestly there's nothing wrong with your new attitude towards them.

I'd do the same. You and them see things from different point of views. No wonder why you'dont match anymore...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Rugs said:


> I'm still in bed after four days. I don't know where to post this but I might get the best help here.
> 
> I hate judging people, everyone has faults. I just had to do what was in my heart and now I'm lonely.
> 
> ...



Rugs, I had to do this very thing about 6 yrs. ago to a friend of only 16 yrs, I can only imagine the depth of your despair of 35 yrs. It must feel like a death. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are in my thoughts...I do know in time your wound will slowly heal. I am 43, not far off from 50 and am making new friends....this is a great big world and I am sure will find new friends to share life with. 

Blessings


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Rugs said:


> They both have been cheating on their respective husbands for five years. I tried to keep it seperate and not judge, it's their path and their husbands both know so I tried to respect their lifestyle.


I have hard time understanding this, so both husbands know their wives have been unloyal for 5 years and are doing nothing about it, or they have a weird arregment like and open marriage? or they know try to stop them abut they are doormats and are not able to do it and just accept the situation?.

I mean you said it as if they are doing something terrible so I discarded the open marriage situation, but I have hard time believing that a man can have a wife that have been cheating on him for 5 years and keep doing it in his face and he does nothing about it.

also I think that is very healthy and admirable of yours to take that difficult choice, did they encourage each other to cheat (the fact that they have been cheating for the same amount of years suggest that this may be the case)


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

manticore said:


> I have hard time understanding this, so both husbands know their wives have been unloyal for 5 years and are doing nothing about it, or they have a weird arregment like and open marriage? or they know try to stop them abut they are doormats and are not able to do it and just accept the situation?.
> 
> I mean you said it as if they are doing something terrible so I discarded the open marriage situation, but I have hard time believing that a man can have a wife that have been cheating on him for 5 years and keep doing it in his face and he does nothing about it.
> 
> also I think that is very healthy and admirable of yours to take that difficult choice, did they encourage each other to cheat (the fact that they have been cheating for the same amount of years suggest that this may be the case)



My one ex-friend has a husband who has been cheating on her her whole marriage. It's not an open marriage, they just choose not to talk about it. He does not know his wife (my friend) knows he has been cheating for 20 years. She went and found a boyfriend who is married and has been cheating for 5 or six years. They just stay together to keep up appearances in their swanky neighborhood. Both their AP's are married too. 

My other ex-friend's husband refuses to work. She is the high bread-winner. He would rather put up with her cheating than leave. He is very lazy and has not contacted a lawyer. He has known for two years and is still begging for her so he won't have to work. Twisted situation. Her AP is not married and last I heard, she was filing for divorce. Her children are really messed up from all the dysfunction in the household. Basically now, it's an open marriage. She no longer hides anything. 

As I write this, my decision seems like the right one. 

The funny thing is, when they thought they were happily married, I called them when my husband cheated to tell them my marriage was over, one said to stay and work on it and the other said file for divorce. Neither said just stay and cheat. :scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Rugs said:


> I just found, I could not have friends like this anymore. Listening to them talk such selfishness became too much for me. I see what you mean about the fog. It's sickening.


Did you explain this to them and have a conversation about how you felt before cutting them out of your life?


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## shannybear123 (May 6, 2014)

Boy, thats tough. I have been dealing with a similar situation. My husband and I are very close to a particular couple. We traveled together, threw events together, our husbands run a cycling team together and we have a ton of mutual friends. Well my husband had an affair, and he confided in his friend asking for advice. The wife could tell something was up and told me that she thought my husband might have something going on. 

Then DDay happened for me. My husband told me everything, we are working on reconcilliation and he had ended the affair a couple months before I found out about it. The wife of our couple friends just told me that she and her husband didnt want to be friends with my husband anymore. That he was no longer welcome at any of their parties or events but I could come if I were to go alone. I was so hurt by it and it has caused more stress on our reconcilliation process since I feel that he has also caused me to lose my friends.

I dont know what your friends particular situations are, but I do know that as the betrayed spouse, I need all the support I can get with this reconcilliation, I need his friends to help give him good advice and I need my friends to support me too. 

However, if they are truly unable to see what they are doing to hurt their families and are just carrying on with their affairs, I wouldnt want to be friends with them either. It would be hard to support anyone who continues to engage in such selfish and hurtful behavior so no one could blame you for bowing out. 

Do their husbands know what is going on? If not you should tell them.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Rugs said:


> And now, I have no one to talk to as well.


You have us


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Today, I turned the corner. I am no longer depressed and I do feel I made the right choice for me. 

When my DDay happened and I went to hell and back, I made a promise to myself that the rest of my life would be on my terms. 

I was very uncomfortable and I feel very strong now for standing up for my beliefs. It just wasn't a healthy for me to stay friends with them. 

I saw an affirmation yesterday on Facebook stating, "If you want to see your own character, look at you friends". It really resonated with me and realize I am better off for now. 

I've been kicking butt at the gym and that has been helping too.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

I had a group of 4 friends for around 12 years that I cut off. It wasn't for the same reason but they were becoming less respectable as the years went by when it got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. 

The difference is that I never got upset by it and it felt great to let them go. When a person is a cheater its part of who they are as a person, so I guess I'm wondering how you were such great friends with them if their morals were so different from yours anyway.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Ha! Not really. I grew up w/ the guy, so I am and always have been totally and completely aware of the fact that he's perfectly capable of making boneheaded and 110% irresponsible decisions. In fact, he's downright proficient at it. Seriously...* It's almost as if he delights in the disapproval of others.*


that's deep and dark. interesting.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

HarryDoyle said:


> Maybe if more people did this, cheaters might get the message! Maybe not a lot, but some. The fog is powerful, but one of my wife's friends did what you did and more (she sort of tipped me off too), and it totally brought my wife out of her fog, so much so that she actually confessed to me. I wish one of her other friends would have done so earlier! I still can't talk with them. In fact one of my WW's "friends" let my wife use her apartment for her "lunch meetings" with the POSOM. Sick.


Cheating can be contagious. Many women find it romantic and justify it because its 'true love', or their 'soulmates'. My first wife worked in an office environment where many of the women cheated on their husbands. We once went to a company sponsered, televised, major league baseball with some of them. One of them had the audacity to bring her OM instead of her husband who was at home working. Everyone knew about, but nobody cared as they had their own bf's too.


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