# He's just not interested in me anymore.



## Birdsong (Aug 28, 2009)

Ok, as I write, I had sex with my H just over two months ago... it's bad when it is such a momentous thing that you remember the date! 

We've been married 4 years, and been together for 6 years. I know he was a bit of a male floozy in his life before me, and so I know that he likes sex or has at least liked sex at some point in his life. 

When we do have sex I feel slightly wrong about it - like we are going through the motions, but there is no emotion, passion, fun or play involved in it. I'm a bit of a romantic and love passion and the feeling of being really wanted by a partner. Maybe I have been spoiled by having partners like this in the past.

I love my H, and I know he loves me, but love isn't everything. I wouldn't even be too bothered about not having sex too often if at least knew that he wanted me, desired me. I really don't think that he does. He says he does, whenever we chat about sex - although I've given up on conversation about it now. What he says just doesn't match up with what he does.

He, ahem, masterbates. I know that. He has a very busy job that has him working all hours and he can stay away a lot (I hear those alarm bells guys - don't think he's unfaithful, but would kinda be a relief if he was). So he's tired a lot. I have tried to initiate sex in the past, but I get subtly turned down...

Friends tell me to walk around the house naked - turn him down next time he does want sex (tick, tick, tick...). I do walk around naked sometimes - used to sleep naked in fact. Now, I've decided to cover up, hoping that this will make me less accessible - more intriguing, mystical, sexy...

It isn't just the sex. He's withdrawn from me as a person, and can't even kiss or cuddle me without lightening the mood. He'll tickle me or make a joke rather than let the moment happen. I know he has issues due to a bad childhood and a mother who was, well just crap really. 

He adores his father, and spending time with his best mate... he gets more excited about spending time with them than spending time with me. I don't begrudge him that. Men need time with other men - that's great! But I just feel that there is nothing he enjoys about time with me. 

Me? I've not changed at all. If anything I'm more chilled and happy in myself than I used to be. Other men _do_ fancy me, and I _am_ attractive (maybe not first thing in the morning...lol). I've recently lost a bit of weight - although I've always been slim. I can't see anything that I may be doing to be less desirable to him.

What is going on? Has anyone else had a similar story? Is there any hope for my marriage? What can I do? Help please.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am 46 - married 20 years to a loving and lovely 46 year old woman. We connect twice a week. I still crave her - as a person - she is cute and funny and saucy. And I crave her body and sex. 

I do feel strongly about a few things. Masturbation and even porn are not "harmful" to the relationship UNLESS your spouse feels sexually neglected. TWO months is a long, long time. I truly feel that he should totally stop masturbating and focus ALL is sexual energy on YOU. 

I practice what I preach. Went to KL in Malaysia 3 months ago. It is FAR from home so I was gone for 15 days. I did not touch myself the entire time. I never masturbate anymore. I stopped a few years ago when I realized how great sex feels when you haven't orgasmed in a while. So my first night back from KL was GREAT. 

Your HUSBAND vowed to LOVE you. Marital love is sexual love. He is in breach of his marriage vow if he is masturbating regularly and leaving you alone for months at a stretch. That is wrong - plain wrong. 

If it were me, I would "force" the issue. I would install spector pro on his computer/laptop and see what the heck he is doing. Because you deserve way better then this. 






Birdsong said:


> Ok, as I write, I had sex with my H just over two months ago... it's bad when it is such a momentous thing that you remember the date!
> 
> We've been married 4 years, and been together for 6 years. I know he was a bit of a male floozy in his life before me, and so I know that he likes sex or has at least liked sex at some point in his life.
> 
> ...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Birdsong said:


> Friends tell me to walk around the house naked - turn him down next time he does want sex (tick, tick, tick...). I do walk around naked sometimes - used to sleep naked in fact. Now, I've decided to cover up, hoping that this will make me less accessible - more intriguing, mystical, sexy...
> 
> It isn't just the sex. He's withdrawn from me as a person, and can't even kiss or cuddle me without lightening the mood. He'll tickle me or make a joke rather than let the moment happen. I know he has issues due to a bad childhood and a mother who was, well just crap really.


I've tried walking around naked, too. its pretty demoralizing when he looks, and then looks away. a few days ago my H came in when i was taking a bath. mind you we havent had sex in at least two weeks. he sits next to me, smiles, touches my back (a pitty touch im thinkin') and then says hes going to bed. lovely. 

I used to try and figure him out. I used to constantly try to understand what his problem was- his childhood, anxiety, our fighting, me, etc. And you know what i found out? even if i know what his problem is, even if under some miracle i figured out the answer (which to a few things i have), it wont change a thing. He has to do the work for himself. 

And if you get so wrapped up in trying to fix your H, in trying to make him want sex with you, you're going to be so busy that you wont realize he's crushing your heart. One day you'll come out of it and realize that you're demoralized, have no self-esteem, you'll be angry and bitter. dont let that happen. dont get so wrapped up in it that you forget to take care of you. protect your heart. if it hurts dont do it. if having sex with him makes you feel wrong- dont do it. dont walk around in front of him naked. dont try and talk about it. let him bring it up. that doesnt mean you have to hate him. I dont hate my H anymore. i think he has issues that maybe i do or dont understand, but either way, i dont like how it affects me and so i have to take care of me.


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## Birdsong (Aug 28, 2009)

Wow, thank you so much Mem11363 & Blanca. I really appreciate the fact that you have both individually taken the time to read and respond to my thread (it was rather lengthy!). 

It's strange. I've only properly just realised how much this whole thing is upsetting me. I haven't been as frank with my friends about it - they seem to assume that sex in a relationship is physical only and don't seem to recognise the emotional importance of it also.

MEM11363, you sound like you are a lovely man who really cares, loves and adores his wife. You have really helped me realise a few things - thank you. I will try to work out what he is doing to satisfy his sexual need if he isn't satisfying it with me. I can't (and probably wouldn't) monitor his computer usage in that respect. It's password protected anyway (so's mine, but I have told him my password - I've nothing to hide) - perhaps that should ring alarm bells with me... 

I guess, when I think about it, it's quite clear that I'm not getting the full story here and, thinking about it, he is quite protective of what the full story may be... Hmm. I don't want to intrude on his privacy, but I do deserve more. I will have to do it my way though, which is to carefully talk to him and try to work out what's at the bottom of all this.

Blanca, you may be right. Talking may not be the answer. We do have to protect ourselves, but I am a strong person (my life experience has ensured this). It's not been unusual to go a month or longer without sex... and without feeling attractive in this sense to him... but I still feel sexy within myself - I am never going to let a man (or anyone) make me believe I'm not worthy in any way (been there, done that).

My problem is that I made a vow to love him "til death do us part" and I always meant to hold on to this promise...but then it was a two way promise and actually, you're right, marriage has always been the "permission" to have a sexual relationship with a life partner. Otherwise, we might as well be good friends with a legally binding agreement to stay together - good friend wouldn't need that assurance. Thank goodness we have no children (chance would be a fine thing!).

Blanca, what have you decided to do? Are you trying to find a way to work it all out, or do you just accept your life as it is? Would you ever leave your H? Stay strong!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am very lucky. I married a wonderful person. Just remember something. Talking about sex - when the sexual relationship has gotten "off track" is very scary. And the really sad part about that is the "low drive" spouse will make a MAJOR effort to not let the "high drive" spouse address the issue. Just so you are forewarned - and this is from lots and lots of reading, the primary tactics used by low drive spouse:
- Denial of problem (they will say in a indignant voice, all relationships have ebbs and flows, this is totally normal. Stop worrying about it, everything is fine). This is a lie. They know it is a lie. No sex for 2 months is NOT close to normal. 

- Attack you: You are the problem. 
You are nagging, you are mean, 
you are critical, your shirts too green. This is all nonesense too. If you were all these bad things - you would already know that, and know that you were driving him away. You are fine - he is using a tactic. 

- Intimidate you: This is usually "relationship" intimidation. They get really angry and try to project that YOU are risking the entire relationship. 

- Soft shoe: This is where they swirl you around the room (figuratively speaking) with promises of the rapture to come. It never does. You might get one night of mercy sex 

- Direct Lying: "Baby I am so sorry, I have been really stressed at work."
Liar, liar pants on fu*king fire. For a MAN, sexual desire is cumulative. It is like physical hunger. The longer he goes without, the more his desire rises. This is just basic physiology. I have had some very stressful jobs. At worst that cut my desire in half. At the absolute worst. This is purely a cross gender tactic. NO GAY MAN would ever try this with his partner. Because the partner would fall on the floor laughing hysterically - then get up and say - if you ever tell me such a blatant lie again we are done. Lets try again - why are we not having sex. 

There are lots of other types of direct lying. Many are predicated on the fact that - not being a man - you have no idea how man actually feel. 

But I will tell you this and this I mean. Lets say my wife gained some weight - like enough for me to be bummed out. Yes it might reduce my desire level for her (sorry just being honest) but because I don't have a masturbation habit/porn habit all that would happen is that it would take a few extra days for my desire level to build to the point where I want her. Not weeks, sure as hell not months. 

Sorry for the rant - I hate the lying associated with this stuff. Not because of the lying itself, but because of how harmful it is to the spouse being lied to.






Birdsong said:


> Wow, thank you so much Mem11363 & Blanca. I really appreciate the fact that you have both individually taken the time to read and respond to my thread (it was rather lengthy!).
> 
> It's strange. I've only properly just realised how much this whole thing is upsetting me. I haven't been as frank with my friends about it - they seem to assume that sex in a relationship is physical only and don't seem to recognise the emotional importance of it also.
> 
> ...


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## Birdsong (Aug 28, 2009)

Got ya! Wow, you're good! It is so lovely to hear a man's perspective on it all. I have experienced a lot of what you write here already - I can recognise these excuses/lies. I feel a little more prepared now I know that's what they really are. This means that I am ok - really ok! Thanks!

Maybe talking will do no good, but I either try or I know I'll just end up leaving....eventually... I don't want to just give up everything without trying at least (not sure the dog would forgive me - she loves him!!)

It isn't just the sex - there is more to this. It's anything intimate at all. He just won't share with me. The result of all this is that I am pulling away from him too (self protection). I don't trust him enough anymore to reveal too much of myself.

I'll see where this all goes. We're spending a day together tomorrow (very rare these days!). Maybe we'll chat then...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

One other thing about this whole sexual shutdown. It seems very, very common (and we have good friends where this is exactly how the man is) for the man to completely shutdown in terms of "touch". I admit to not understanding this since "touch" is my love language. So even if I got neutered in an accident I would still love to lie arm in arm in bed with my wife - love to hug her - caress her. I love to touch and be touched. I really though most guys were like that. But whether "most" are or are not, the low drive guys seem to really avoid affection which is so very sad.






Birdsong said:


> Got ya! Wow, you're good! It is so lovely to hear a man's perspective on it all. I have experienced a lot of what you write here already - I can recognise these excuses/lies. I feel a little more prepared now I know that's what they really are. This means that I am ok - really ok! Thanks!
> 
> Maybe talking will do no good, but I either try or I know I'll just end up leaving....eventually... I don't want to just give up everything without trying at least (not sure the dog would forgive me - she loves him!!)
> 
> ...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Birdsong said:


> Blanca, what have you decided to do? Are you trying to find a way to work it all out, or do you just accept your life as it is? Would you ever leave your H? Stay strong!


Right now ive decided i need to take care of me. My situation got so complicated and out of hand that i think im taking a mental vacation. one thing i know for sure though, im done trying to figure my H out. 

I dont know if i would really leave or not. its hard to say. im not particularly pissed off today so im more inclined to say i wouldnt. but, ask me tomorrow and i might just be packing my bags!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

When I was younger and mostly under 35... I used to pray
I would have less interest in sex and a lower sex drive because all it ever did was get me into trouble or involved with the wrong men.

Now that I'm older and my sex drive has decreased...
I will tell you something.... its much better. Life and sex in general are much better....
I can see things better, made a better partner choice... and can stay out of trouble.

Sex is very over rated... I do not associate sex with love but at one time I did... and in my mid 30's... my sex drive made me make some really awful relationship choices.
I am grateful to experience low sex drive... I hope everyone can as its a new and wonderful thing 

least it is for me 
Hooray for menapause, it should happen to women before menstration would be a far better world with happier people !

women should first go into menapause at age 11 or 13.. and stay there until you find a good and loving partner....
then go into menstration at about age 35 to 40... and have babies then...
wow, what a different world it would be !


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## Not Me Oh (Apr 20, 2009)

A few things I would say about the posts in this thread as a guy who can't ever imagine being the low-desire male partner in a relationship...

Birdsong, I'm glad you followed back up with your own comment about this being an intimacy issue with your partner. In my mind it's unacceptable for him to masturbate so much if he is not also spending his sexual energy with you two. A book I'm reading right now called Passionate Marriage promises to help with problems like this, but I haven't put it into practice yet. There is a huge difference between the casual sex he had with people before you and sex in a committed relationship. He is probably threatened by intimacy and reacts by pulling away from you...I should know, my wife pulled that move after being together for 9 years when I came home from an assignment that had me away from her for 100 days...it was the strangest thing and really shook my trust in her.

To those that say sex is overrated...I'd have to say that casual sex is...but sex between 2 loving people has the potential to bring you closer together and affect how you are in other areas of your life...but you have to be able to be in the moment with your partner, not worry about how great of a job you are doing but also be turned on by your partner's reaction to what you are doing.

In terms of how to get your partner to be involved with you again, I'd repeat what some others have said...you have to make it clear to your partner if you have tried so many other means that this is something that is important to you and that, if they have given up on a sex life with you, you are prepared to leave...if it is that important to you...since things changed with my wife in the Fall, I've chosen to threaten to walk away twice...once when she put her relationship (chatting) with other guys above me and here recently when she said she had given up on fixing things between us sexually...did I want to RISK IT ALL? Hell no! Did I think I deserved a beautiful sexual relationship with the woman I adore and serve? You bet your ass!


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## Birdsong (Aug 28, 2009)

Not Me Oh said:


> A few things I would say about the posts in this thread as a guy who can't ever imagine being the low-desire male partner in a relationship...
> 
> Birdsong, I'm glad you followed back up with your own comment about this being an intimacy issue with your partner..... He is probably threatened by intimacy and reacts by pulling away from you...


Yes, it is much more than an issue than just sex. "Intimacy" is the key word and everything that it means. Sex is the touchstone of a relationship - it is a way of expressing how you feel about your partner. It shows them that you trust them and that you feel comfortable enough to reveal the most hidden, secret part of yourself. Sex is just one way of showing intimacy and can be an indicator of how healthy a relationship.

I've had a good chat with my H, and told him all about how I feel. The intrinsic problem seems to be that I am just simply not "first within his heart" (a chat with my Mum helped me coin this phrase). Other things seem to have had greater importance to him than me, and actually, that's wrong! 

I know I am a good natured (perhaps too good natured), kind, considerate, attractive and sexy person. I recently went away with a girlfriend and was shocked by the interest I got from other men (kept looking behind me to see what they were ogling at). I completely didn't realise that I could still be considered attractive, desirable by any male, let alone my H!! 

I am not shallow and don't believe that I live my life to be adored - I just want to be fully appreciated and wanted by the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. I don't care what other men think if HE wants me, loves me, enjoys spending time with me. If he doesn't then what the hell am I wasting my time for?

He'll probably make a bit of an effort after our chat, but time will truly tell. If he wants to be with me for the right reasons, and if I can find it in me to trust him fully again, then there just might be a future for us.....


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## shackles (Jun 9, 2009)

I just read your post. My husband was the same way, with a high drive before marriage, baby, stress... I can totally understand what you are going through, if you figure out what works let me know because I've tried it all.


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## zengoddess (Sep 20, 2009)

Blanca said:


> And if you get so wrapped up in trying to fix your H, in trying to make him want sex with you, you're going to be so busy that you wont realize he's crushing your heart. One day you'll come out of it and realize that you're demoralized, have no self-esteem, you'll be angry and bitter. dont let that happen. dont get so wrapped up in it that you forget to take care of you. protect your heart. if it hurts dont do it. if having sex with him makes you feel wrong- dont do it. dont walk around in front of him naked. dont try and talk about it. let him bring it up. that doesnt mean you have to hate him. I dont hate my H anymore. i think he has issues that maybe i do or dont understand, but either way, i dont like how it affects me and so i have to take care of me.



It's so true. The low libido spouse would just trivialize your need and call you "sex obsessed." I've told my H time and again, it's not just physical fulfillment, but more so emotional. I didn't feel loved when he didn't feel the need to make love to me and try to please me when we were at that. It's very damaging to relationship.

His low self-esteem (I think the fact that he loved cyber sex was the part of his low self-esteem complex) brought down my self-esteem in the process.


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## Birdsong (Aug 28, 2009)

Thank you all for your words.

I've been doing a LOT of thinking lately... I am not convinced that my H does have a low sex drive (it just seemed the obvious cause of our problems). I think the lack of attention is due to something else. 

If I jumped him in bed, I know that he would respond. I just don't feel like jumping him in bed... actually not convinced that I am that sexually attracted towards him. Never have been that well suited in the bedroom department. I just thought that it was something that would develop with the relationship. It hasn't!

My recent contemplating and chats to my Mum (who is an amazing support) have helped me to define the problems in my relationship a little better (I obviously don't talk to her about my sex life). The major issues are not to do with the lack of a sex life, as that is just an outcome of our issues. I need to write about it but will find a more suitable section...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You're not attracted to him? I wonder why you thought it would develop. If it isn't there at the beginning it is rarely something that crops up later. If anything, attraction seems to wane over time for most relationships.

What Zengoddess says about their behavior bringing down self-esteem is the truth.


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## Birdsong (Aug 28, 2009)

Not, 'not attracted' to him exactly. I used to think that he was gorgeous (he is very good looking - I'm told often enough by friends & friends of friends). I used to crave him completely - not because of what he looked like but because of who he was and how we interacted with one another. I liked our relationship because there wasn't the confusion of lust or the pink fluffy clouds of that 'in love' feeling - what's the point of having that if it doesn't last? (that's what I used to think).

I thought that my shyness with him in the bedroom was because he was more experienced than me and, in my mind, he would be used to being with gorgeous women. He was in the Royal Navy before he met me and spent some time in America - I once saw a picture of one of the girls he must have, erm, spent the night with, and she was your typical nightmare; long blond hair, size 8-10 (in USA 6-8), very tanned and very naked (except knickers thankfully). He didn't show the picture intentionally- it was in an album he happened to be showing me at the time (think he inwardly felt an 'oh c$%p!)

It made me feel quite inadequate for a while. Then, I got over it and realised how stupid I was being. He was with me, not her. I'd never ever felt such jealousy towards other women as I did with him. Wondered what was wrong with me.. NEVER been the jealous type before.

In retrospect, I think it's because he made me feel insecure about 'us'. He didn't let me know that I was the best thing in his life - the most attractive, desirable woman that he craved. He felt he was wanted and attractive because of the way I behaved, and the way other women reacted to him. 

Maybe I was a little needy in the beginning (really tried not to be but it always shows). Made him too sure of himself & less bothered to make efforts towards me. 

Sex has always been an issue in our relationship, and has never been regular. Maybe once or twice a month to begin with, and then less and less often. It will maybe be 4 times this year so far (that sounds awful). The way I feel right now, I really don't feel able to allow that intimacy with him.

I can see how I have been at fault here too. At first, I really craved sexual intimacy with him because it was something I wanted to work on between us. When he started rejecting me (in every sense, not just sexually) then I felt less and less inclined to try to keep him close to me. 

It's only recently that I've admitted to myself that I have a BIG problem in my marriage... it's so big that I can't even pin point it onto one thing. There are loads of things wrong. 

Maybe my low self esteem has made him feel less sexually attracted towards me - maybe it has rubbed off on him and he feels less sexually attractive too. I don't have low self esteem as a general rule - it's just specific to my relationship with him. 

Oh gee! Who has the answers??


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Birdsong said:


> It's only recently that I've admitted to myself that I have a BIG problem in my marriage... it's so big that I can't even pin point it onto one thing. There are loads of things wrong.


Same here. i used to think the problem in my marriage was my H's porn problem. turns out that wasnt really it. and it turns out it wasnt all him, either. there are so many issues with both of us that i cant really pinpoint anything. 

what's helped me the most is taking care of myself. so i have issues in my marriage, who cares. if i feel good with myself then the issues in the relationship are manageable. but if i let myself go and become enmeshed with what's wrong in my marriage, then everything will seem wrong. So right now im working on myself. that's not to say the issues in my marriage dont get to me sometimes, particularly the sex issue, but its manageable because im starting to feel good about myself again.


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## Birdsong (Aug 28, 2009)

Blanca said:


> what's helped me the most is taking care of myself. so i have issues in my marriage, who cares. if i feel good with myself then the issues in the relationship are manageable. but if i let myself go and become enmeshed with what's wrong in my marriage, then everything will seem wrong. So right now im working on myself. that's not to say the issues in my marriage dont get to me sometimes, particularly the sex issue, but its manageable because im starting to feel good about myself again.


But, don't you ever want more from your relationship? Or are you happy to live with mediocre? You see I just want more than this... if this is the rest of my life I'd rather be single than half live in a marriage that made me desperately unhappy.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Birdsong said:


> But, don't you ever want more from your relationship? Or are you happy to live with mediocre? You see I just want more than this... if this is the rest of my life I'd rather be single than half live in a marriage that made me desperately unhappy.


I do want more from my relationship but im not desperately unhappy so that might be the difference. i think my h is trying to change and has come a long way in doing so. That makes a huge difference in my perspective. 

If you dont think your h is working on things in the relationship and you feel it will always be the way it is right now, then that would be miserable. your situation doesnt exactly sound mediocre, it sounds a bit below that. but you have to be careful about leaving and finding the same nut with a different shell. if you think it is the other person that is causing the problem, you will always encounter someone else that creates the same dysfunction. until you realize how you have created this dysfunction you can never heal from it and will always find it again. that in no way means you should stay with him. sometimes leaving is necessary, but it also necessary to recognize your part in it so you can attract what you want.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

I think there is some good comments so far. His masturbation is positively a problem. He is taking care of his own needs and leaving nothing for you to get yours. I would suggest finding out what or why he is resorting to self satisfaction and not you. Is there something in the bedroom that he may be desiring that you two aren't doing? Not that it is an excuse by any means but he is looking elsewhere for something to get him off. 

Whatever it is, this is only going to continue to be a uncomfortable situation until you both sit down and open up about what is going on between the two of you. There needs to be a very open sit down conversation about this between you two and everything has to come out in that discussion. Keep a cool head about you and encourage him to open up about what it is that he desires. There is something there and maybe it will allow you two to find out what it is.

As a side note, his masturbation is selfish. I could never imagine having a low sex drive ever, regardless of how my mate looks or anything else for that matter. I think that selfishness ranks right up there with all other marital problems.


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## Birdsong (Aug 28, 2009)

Thank you for your comments Blanca.. I know what you are saying about not always looking for fault in your partner when there are problems - the fault may be your own! In this case I know that a lot of his issues go back to childhood as he had an physically abusive mother (his father left when he was 8yrs old and had no idea that his mother treated him like she did). His Dad has always been his hero, and he holds him in such high esteem. He therefore finds relationships with men much easier as he seems to think of them as the good guys. He finds it harder to trust women because of the life he had with his Mum. He trusted her, and then she betrayed that trust with her behaviour towards him. 

He has learned not to let go of his emotions and deepest thoughts. He finds intimacy with another very difficult, so I have discovered. Maybe I just got too close for comfort with him, and that made him back off. I've always been very honest with him about my thoughts/feelings, and maybe that has been too much for him to cope with.

Thank you, New Beginnings..
I think that he masterbates because he has a need, rather than because he wants to share a sexual intimacy with someone. If that makes sense ('if you got an itch, scratch it' attitude). 

His masterbating may be selfish, but after a long chat with each other recently (we've had some serious chats about our issues), he declared to me that he thought the biggest problem was that he is inherently a selfish person. He's needed to be selfish in his life because he has had to depend on himself completely from a young age. It must be difficult to change a habit of nearly a lifetime, even in 6 years.

The problem is that his selfish attitude has all but driven me away. I don't know if I have lost or just forgotten the feelings that I used to have for him. I still love him and care for him completely, but it all feels like it has been tainted now. I feel like I am being consumed.. I need something back from him, and I don't know if he can actually give me what I need. I don't know if he has it in him to give. So sad. 

I joined this forum hoping that it would help me change my perspective on it all. Looking for some glimmer of hope, or someone who had a similar experience to me. Everyone has been so lovely to spend time commenting on my problems. I really do appreciate your time. Thank you.


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## Breakfastn'Pizza (Oct 17, 2009)

pizza and breakfast, my new book needs to be applied to a lot of situations in a hazy marriage. Keep it simple and feel free to dissattach in your mind so that when you come back it's fresh. Marriage can make a lot of people feel guilty. It's part of God's little trap. That's why it's a Christian marriage or it's no marriage at all. That is after all where the whole thing came from. Don't fool yourself in thinking God will tolerate a messed up marriage. No I'm just playing. But if you went into without God. You'll probably end up divorcing. And if you went into with God, then you will end up feeling guilty. Jesus said to leave marriage alone unless your too horny. Seriously. He said it's better to not marry then to marry, because in Heaven there will be no marriage. Hope this brings some relief. In life guilt does hurt and it's not intended. Sin is a game that God wanted you to play. He also wanted you to know what actually feels good. Passion and enthusiasm can be sexual but it can aslo be , and all due respect arts and crafts, music, painting, singing, dancing. Next time you do have sex with your spouse...Have the best damn sex you ever had. If you feel cheated or resentful it might be a good idea to forgive and ****. 
Have a good one.


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## akmm (Oct 22, 2009)

Blanca, 

I think you read my thoughts and posted about me and my husband. I don't know why he has no sex drive, although he, too, had a rough childhood and a miserable first marriage. For 8 years, I have tried to get him to understand that he isn't meeting my needs. I've stopped trying because I'm tired of doing so. My husband does not even look at me when I come out of the shower naked. I have to initiate sex. We never have any affection, including kissing, unless we are about to do it. 

Nothing I do changes him. I have seriously considered leaving, and have even had my bags packed. But, he asked me to stay so I did. Nothing has changed. I am thinking of following through with leaving and giving us some time apart. Maybe if I'm not here, he'll decide that he loves and wants me.


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## Birdsong (Aug 28, 2009)

Yes... well... there were lots of things that I thought would develop. He is a very good looking man and gets lots of attention from females. I have always thought he had a gorgeous smile and found his personality attractive... he's very funny.

People talk about love growing in a relationship over years & many couples don't have sex before marriage, and discover that world together. Your relationship can't be complete at the beginning of marriage, as the 'fun' part of marriage is getting to know your partner and living a life together...

Unfortunately, we have not grown together in our marriage. We haven't grown apart either really - we have just got on with doing our own thing. Sex is an intimate pleasure that couples enjoy as a 'touchstone' in their relationship - something that bonds them physically, emotionally and psychologically. We were never close enough to have that bond on a deep level. I think that's why we always struggled..

Anyway, there are too many issues and years of sadness to retrieve anything from our marriage now. We have just never had that 'thing' that couples have between them - that invisible bond / magnet / gravity that is the foundation of their relationship.

After a long chat (several of them actually), we have come to a mutual decision to separate from each other. It's been very amicable between us, and in fact, now we've made the decision we are communicating better with each other. 

This isn't about sex, as I've said before, just about a couple who can't give the other what they need. We have been destroying ourselves trying and have both been miserable... we just didn't know that is how the other felt..

It's sad, but at least we can finally move forward and stop stagnating in our lives.


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## melvis (Oct 29, 2009)

I know exactly what your talking about. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 7 years now, and he's become a complete asexual. :sleeping:
I've tried everything, even telling him kindly what I like. He gets offended and runs away. I've tried stroking his ego, telling him he's a wonderful lover, or that he makes me feel good. I've even tried cutting him off to see if that would help. So far, nothing. When we do have sex, hes on and off, hardly moves his hips, and when I complain, he says he's tired. Whatever......
My conclusion to this is that he's not attracted to me in that way anymore and its time for me to stop complaining and either live with it or leave. When a man stops initiating sex, its because of one of two reasons. " He's just not that into you" or he's gay. PERIOD! {unless he's been castrated or on certain meds that prevent erection} Its hard to take, I know, but a man will not stop having sex with a partner they are attracted to unless they have one of those two problems. Men lose interest very quickly when they are given attention by other women, or watch too much porn. Shallow as that sounds, thats how men work. Its that whole thrill of the chase thing you know. Once they have you, you become boring, lazy, fat, naggy, etc. Thats how they explain lack of attraction. Blame it on the girl. Mostly its them trying to push the blame game onto you when really its their problem. Women need to stop trying to fix relationships that are not healthy. If your are a healthy, sexually active, strong women and your man won't give you what you need in bed, don't protect their ego. Don't *****foot around it, tell them either get it together, or I'm gone!!! End of story....:rules::
From women who's been there, done that, and is done doing it!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Melvis, does this mean you're kicking him to the curb?


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## melvis (Oct 29, 2009)

Hi Dobo,
Well, we had a long talk, again, this weekend. As usual, I brought up the issues we are having, and he again, got defensive, and tried to turn it around to be all my fault. Gee, what a shock! 
I have made up my mind to move back to my home town and he will be staying here to {wink wink} look for work. Oh, thats another one of his issues. He can't seem to stay working for longer than a year at a time. This time, he was laid off, granted, but that was Sept. Now its November, and he says he can't work and "go to school" which really isn't a legitimate school, but rather training offered through his union hall. 
So, to answer your question, yes I am. But its more like silently moving away and letting the chips fall. I'm tired of being the one who has to initiate everything, and end everything. If I am reading him right, he won't try to fix it anyway and will just slowly flitter away. Thats how he handles everything else anyway, he just doesn't do anything! What a waste.......


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## Butterfly11 (Dec 22, 2009)

Hello Birdsong,

As sad as I am to join this forum, I also find myself in a similar situation as you. I am not married, I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, and I feel that my bf is no longer sexually attracted.

I am 22 years old, am about 5.6'' and weigh about 122 pounds. I try to take care of myself physically, and am in what I would say is a good path in terms of my career, so for my age, I think I am in the right path for success. I mention these things to point out that I don't think there is anything obviously wrong with me. I feel like I am attractive, and like you, I have seen interest from other men towards me (except for my bf).

I honestly don't know what it is that is wrong. We began our relationship with a lot of passion. We have a somewhat of a long distance relationship (he's is about 3 hours away and we only see each other on weekends due to our work/school schedule), but whenever we would see each other on weekends it was like there was no time for anything else but us. 

Things started to change gradually. I can't even precisely tell you when the change started to happen, I can only tell you that things have drastically changed. During the beginning we would be sexually intimate several times during the weekends, and now we get intimate about 2 times a month. I know that it is in part has to do with the fact that we only see each other on weekends, but that is an even better reason to believe that when he sees me he would want to grab me in his arms and not let go. 

He is a great guy, but he is not exactly romantic, and I (like you) have been spoiled in previous relationships. In the past I have been used to being hugged and kissed frequently throughout the day. I have been used to being sent love letters and flowers for no good other reason than as an expression of love. And I am used to the guy being the one who "always wants to be intimate". 

Please don't get the wrong impression, it is not only about me. I am also the type of person that loves to give hugs, caresses, in fact I have even gotten creative enough to paint in order to express my love. I used to try to think of original ways to please my bf (in all aspects), but the desire to please has gradually diminished as I see that things are not reciprocal. 

I have tried talking to him. I have let him know that this is very important to me, and I think we have already gone through all the guilt phases (him blaming me, me blaming me, him blaming himself, me blaming him, etc). 

I have tried to initiate, as I thought that maybe I did not do enough to turn him on. But now I feel that has only turned him off even more (maybe he thinks I am desperate?). I have tried dressing sexier (worked at first). He has told me that he would change (and he did, for a few weeks), but I am still unhappy. 

I think, maybe it's my insecurity, but I realize that he is the one who has made me feel insecure. My self-esteem is not exactly at it's highest these days.

So I don't know what to do. This guy is the guy that I have taken the most serious, meaning that I can see myself married to him. He is a great, kind, caring, person. I just don't think that there is the passion that should be there given that we are both young (he is only 25 & I am 22) and attractive. 

For some time, I even thought it was our age difference, but I consider myself a very mature individual and these beliefs have been validated by my friends, family and even supervisors. 

At this point, I don't know what to do. 

Are there anymore recommendations for a hurt and confused individual like myself?


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## wonderingif (Dec 1, 2012)

My husband has moved out of our bedroom, we haven't had sex in 6 ish months -- he's satisfied by masterbating and watching his porn, we've been married 25 years, have a teen still living at home (9th grade).


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> - Direct Lying: "Baby I am so sorry, I have been really stressed at work."
> Liar, liar pants on fu*king fire. For a MAN, sexual desire is cumulative. It is like physical hunger. The longer he goes without, the more his desire rises. This is just basic physiology. I have had some very stressful jobs. At worst that cut my desire in half. At the absolute worst. This is purely a cross gender tactic. NO GAY MAN would ever try this with his partner. Because the partner would fall on the floor laughing hysterically - then get up and say - if you ever tell me such a blatant lie again we are done. Lets try again - why are we not having sex.


Disagree. Maybe you experience this but it is not true for all men. Major stress at work is a huge sex killer for me. Also, I feel that going without sex is more like fasting. Day 1 is hard, Day 2 is harder. Day 3 is hell. After that it starts getting easier until you forget about food and you just stop moving to save energy.

On the contrary if you increase the frequency of your orgasms then your body prepares for more orgasms and then requires more orgasms. The body adapts to the conditions to which it is exposed. This is true in dieting, exersize and sex.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Butterfly11 said:


> At this point, I don't know what to do.
> 
> Are there anymore recommendations for a hurt and confused individual like myself?


Yes, dump him and find someone else that compares favorably to your past lovers. Would you want to spend the rest of your life fantasizing about them while only getting pity sex from your H? Given everything that you wrote I can't see how you could possibly see yourself marrying this guy. Whatever he has that you think makes him worth marrying is going to shrink in significance next to the poor sex life as you get older. This is a basic myth that a lot of young people have in thier heads, that sex becomes less important as you age. That is dead wrong. It becomes more important. Just spend some time reading the stories on TAM from people in their 40s and 50s who after 20-30 years of crappy and/or infrequent sex have NOW decided they can't take it anymore and are getting ready to leave their spouse.

You are 22. You are not short on time. Sex is important. Don't treat it lightly.


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

I feel the same way. Married 18 years, together 23 years. Have not intiated for months now, though crave him to initiate almost every night. Usual excuse, I am tired, hard day at work etc....however, we are very touchy feely towards each other just no sex.

Only a few days ago on a night out, I told him I needed him and want him he just immediately turned round and said I am tired :-( 

Last time we had sex was 3 weeks ago, even though we had the talk (a month ago) and we agreed on twice a week! I feel a bit of me dying every day.

Hurts me so much, but hurts even more when I think I should leave :-( 

I thought guys wanted us gals to want them. I have tried it all, saucy texts, pictures, lingerie. Looking at this post closely for any advice too!


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## eddy.mitchell (Dec 3, 2012)

I haven't seen it mentioned here in this thread but perhaps this may be due to some lack of intellectual stimulation.


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