# My H suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)



## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

After 7 years of being with the same man, H has finally come to realize that he suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD. H is currently seeing a DR (the same DR that diagnosed him) and H claims that the DR told him that he needs to severe all strong emotional attachments that he has right now, including his marriage. I can't imagine that a DR told a person going through one of the toughest times in their life to file for a divorce. I asked H what kind of DR tells their patient to get a divorce. H said that the DR didn't say that, but the DR did say to cut off strong emotional relationships.  It seems that H is lying more and more these days. I don't know if this is the BPD or something else. I have told H that I am willing to stay by his side until he gets better but he says that he can't do that. H is starting a 6 month study program after the divorce is final. Is there such thing as a study program to help with BPD? 

If there is anyone reading this that has information on BPD, I would love to hear from you. Is there anything I can do to help my H before the D is final? Should I just walk away from my marriage when everything inside of me s screaming to never give up? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Did he see a psychiatrist?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

He is seeing a psychologist.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Is this another side effect of H's disorder....I came home from work and H was waiting at the house. He hasn't been staying here since sunday, so seeing him here was kind of shocking. I had no idea what mood H would be in since he goes in and out of love with me minute by minute. He was pleasant enough and we spent about 3 hours together just hanging out. For whatever reason, he brought home a dog. I guess he expects me to look after it which isn't fair at all. H decided he was going to leave. He packed up an overnight bag, gave me a big hug and left. We were feeling very positive and I liked that.

A few hours later, I found out a cold front would be moving through tonight. H didn't leave his new dog any dog house, blankets, or dog bed and I didn't know what to do so I texted him. about 1.5 hours later, I texted him back and told him not to worry cause I will take care of the dog for the night. H texted me back what appeared to be a message intended for somebody else. I kindly texted him back and told him. His next text was for me and very mean. He informed me that I was blowing up his phone and what the hell did I want. He also told me to leave him alone. I was shocked! I texted back that I was trying to find out what to do with HIS dog. I also told him that I would not be texting or calling him ever again. He texted back to put his dog in the yard with food and water. The dog would be fine! Not likely!! Rain, high winds, low temps, no shelter equal a horrible night for any animal.

I realized tonight that H is very sick in the head. I do not advocate medicating every single ailment but I believe H needs meds. He is out of his mind and I don't think I can handle it. Apparently nobody on this site has either because nobody has any advice...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Do a search on "Uptown" and read his posts about BPD. Seems his wife has it. Scary stuff.

You can start by reading this: Lots of good info here.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...29820-do-emotional-verbal-abusers-change.html

Your husband sounds like he has some serious issues. Be glad he left you with nothing more than a dog and left. He's doing you a favor. If he does indeed have BPD there might be nothing you can do for him. Best thing to do is save yourself and take up his offer for a divorce. 

The dog will treat you a lot better, that's for sure.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

somuchinlove said:


> Is this another side effect of H's disorder....I came home from work and H was waiting at the house. He hasn't been staying here since sunday, so seeing him here was kind of shocking. I had no idea what mood H would be in since he goes in and out of love with me minute by minute. He was pleasant enough and we spent about 3 hours together just hanging out. For whatever reason, he brought home a dog. I guess he expects me to look after it which isn't fair at all. H decided he was going to leave. He packed up an overnight bag, gave me a big hug and left. We were feeling very positive and I liked that.
> 
> A few hours later, I found out a cold front would be moving through tonight. H didn't leave his new dog any dog house, blankets, or dog bed and I didn't know what to do so I texted him. about 1.5 hours later, I texted him back and told him not to worry cause I will take care of the dog for the night. H texted me back what appeared to be a message intended for somebody else. I kindly texted him back and told him. His next text was for me and very mean. He informed me that I was blowing up his phone and what the hell did I want. He also told me to leave him alone. I was shocked! I texted back that I was trying to find out what to do with HIS dog. I also told him that I would not be texting or calling him ever again. He texted back to put his dog in the yard with food and water. The dog would be fine! Not likely!! Rain, high winds, low temps, no shelter equal a horrible night for any animal.
> 
> I realized tonight that H is very sick in the head. I do not advocate medicating every single ailment but I believe H needs meds. He is out of his mind and I don't think I can handle it. Apparently nobody on this site has either because nobody has any advice...


My Ex had BPD. It's a terrible thing to have to deal with and it affects not only those who have it but everyone else around them.

If you want to get some good advice on it try this forum
The Depression Forums
this helped me immensely when I was trying to understand my ex's issues. 

Ultimately her BPD led to the demise of our marriage.
I tried for 2 years to help her and give her support but didn't seem to matter to her what I said or did. She just carried on screwing with her/our lives with her antics of which one of them was Bi-Polar Infidelity, numerous occassions. 

Alcohol was a big thing, she hardly ever drank but when she did, she wasn't the person I married. 
It was actually quite scary to be around. It was just like dealing with a totally different person, even her accent changed. 

The best bit of advice I got from some people whom i talked to with BPD was, 'Grab a hold of something and don't let them drag you down' 
Something that BPD sufferers need in their lives is constant change to keep them excited, if everything stays the same, they become depressed. 

Good luck


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Best thing to do is save yourself and take up his offer for a divorce.


I realized this last night as I was laying in bed trying to figure this mess out. Thanks for the link, too 



mrnice said:


> My Ex had BPD. *It's a terrible thing to have to deal with and it affects not only those who have it but everyone else around them.*
> 
> Alcohol was a big thing, she hardly ever drank but when she did, she wasn't the person I married.
> *It was actually quite scary to be around. It was just like dealing with a totally different person*, even her accent changed.
> ...


It has always been a rule that we both can't drink if we go out. This is because H seems to think that when I drink I start picking on him, making fun of him or I am just flat out mean to him. H knows he shouldn't drink, but I am pretty sure he has been lately. 

I am trying to grab on to something, anything at this point, but H keeps reaching for the same things. He is trying to bring me down. H always wants me to feel bad. It's like he's saying "Well if I feel this way, you should too". I will have to be a little bit stronger when sticking to this advice. 

I didn't know about the constant change, but H is always bored. He always wants to be doing something. He can't sit still or stay in the house for more than a day. H claims that he has a strong love for the outdoors and that's why he is always doing things. I think that his is just another characteristic of his BPD.

Thanks for the link as well!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Thank you for posting this. I had no idea what BPD is so after looking it up I think it explains a lot. My STBXW exhibits a lot of those behaviors and she has most of the initial causes. Question though - Has he had the diagnosis confirmed and is he aware of it? How do you make someone aware that they potentially are afflicted by this?


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Sod said:


> Thank you for posting this. I had no idea what BPD is so after looking it up I think it explains a lot. My STBXW exhibits a lot of those behaviors and she has most of the initial causes. *Question though - Has he had the diagnosis confirmed and is he aware of it? How do you make someone aware that they potentially are afflicted by this?*


My H has been seeing a psychologist once or twice a week for about a month. He didn't tell me any of this until about two weeks ago. H only told me a few days ago that he has a personality disorder but he couldn't remember what the DR had told him exactly. So although I had suspected that something like this was going on (I actually started doing some online research before H came clean), I waited for H to tell me on his own terms. I have read that trying to tell a person with PD what they suffer from can be very detrimental to their well being. A therapist is much better qualified to determine the right time to open up that can of worms.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Thank you. I figured as much and normally I wouldnt consider getting involved as our divorce is almost final but I worry about my kids. Nothing new there as her behavior has gotten worse since we separated but my concern is more along the lines of my kids well being. Sorry to hijack your thread


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Sod, it's not hijacking at all. This site for me is therapeutic and reading other stories helps me so much. Feel free to "hijack" my thread anytime....especially if it helps you in the process.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I have a daughter that went to a Psychiatrist for her issues in dealing with people and herself. She was immediately diagnosed when being bi-polar (hi and low mood swings - nothing in-between) which was causing the personality disorder. There was no study program of any kind. He put her on medications which take about three weeks to get fully into the system. Once she got them in her system, her problems went away. She had regular visits to see how things were progressing and if the medication was the best dosage, or could it even be discontinued. She was never informed to terminate relationships of any kind, except ones with others who exhibited similar behaviors and had not yet been treated.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I have a daughter that went to a Psychiatrist for her issues in dealing with people and herself. She was immediately diagnosed when being bi-polar (hi and low mood swings - nothing in-between) which was causing the personality disorder. There was no study program of any kind. He put her on medications which take about three weeks to get fully into the system. Once she got them in her system, her problems went away. She had regular visits to see how things were progressing and if the medication was the best dosage, or could it even be discontinued. She was never informed to terminate relationships of any kind, except ones with others who exhibited similar behaviors and had not yet been treated.


My mom works with a Family DR who told her that no mental health physician will tell their patient to leave a good relationship. It's just H trying to justify his behavior and to victimize himself. I hope that he can get on some medication but I truly believe that he is beyond meds. H needs long term treatment for his illness. I love my H but he is not the same person he has been for 7 years. Matter of fact, I think the past 7 years were a complete act. H acted like he thought I wanted him to act. We loved the same movies, music, food, hobbies, everything. Slowly, I started seeing that his interest were not the same as mine at all. I would ask him about these things and he would say "I did like them. They just weren't my favorite". Looking back, I can see the signs of PD everywhere I look. This is really sad and heartbreaking for me. I have been in love with a sick man for 7 years! What kind of person does that make me? At this moment, I just want to disappear for a long while


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It sounds more like you two started to grow apart, and didn't see it as it was happening. I think this part of the reason I have my affair. I lived my life, and my wife lived hers. She watched TV shows I don't care for, and I watch mine that she didn't care for. We would rarely go out to a movie since we could almost never agree on one. Perhaps you two did the same in some fashion.

While I was in the affair, I was reflecting on my life. And I didn't like what I was seeing. I wanted to change. I did, and now I'm a big piece of cheating crap. Not the change I was looking for at all. 

I hope your H gets some real good help, and that the two of you can get back together and be stronger than ever.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo, my H is a sick man. All signs point to this being a very toxic relationship  i wish it weren't this at all. I wish it were an affair instead of mental illness. I hope that he knows I want to help him.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I can somewhat understand what he is going through, and that is why I'm trying to help the best I can. What you really wish for is a happy ending for both of you. And so do I.

He's having a really tough time. And going it alone is not helping him. He should have never left the house. I say this from my experience and the thoughts I still struggle with. Keep reaching out to him. I know it seems like it not helping, but it really is. Tell him that no matter where he is, physically or mentally, you are holding his hand and caring for him. I know it hurts you to see this happen.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Thanks. He is coming by to drop off D papers right now. Then tonight we are supposed to sign together. I don't know what this means since he still seems in the air about the D at times. I am going to sign because I am tired of arguing with him. If this is what he wants then I will give it to him. I will also do as you suggest and remind him that I will always be here for him--mentally or physically--holding his hand and trying to help him the best way I know how.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If you sign, it could be interpreted that you are giving up on him, no matter what you say.

That's the way I would see it.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> The dog will treat you a lot better, that's for sure.


If you don't have a dog, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Mine helps me when I'm down. Unconditional love always waiting for me. If nothing else, maybe the dog will bite him. Just kidding.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> If you don't have a dog, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Mine helps me when I'm down. Unconditional love always waiting for me. If nothing else, maybe the dog will bite him. Just kidding.


We have a dog who is 3. She is like our child. The new dog is male, not fixed and he is only 9 months. Oh yeah! And he won't live my poor angel alone  I hope he bites my H...and I'm not kidding! :rofl:


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't want to worry anyone but can BPD be dangerous? The reason I ask is because my deceased brother-in-law had mental problems. He became violent and killed himself. He was violent towards others, also.

When dealing with mental illness, it's not just about being there for them. There are times when you shouldn't be there for them.

I'm not saying this even applies to you. I do think it would be great if you knew for sure what the illness actually is.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Actually about 9% of people with BPD will take their own lives. Luckily, my H has never been suicidal. He's not even violent at all. He has never laid so much as a finger on me or my child in a negative way. 

I am realizing that as much as I want to be here for H, it might be better if I did leave. After an afternoon of research, I have a much better understanding of this terrible illness.

I feel like a yo-yo. I am up and down about the whole situation. Today is one of those days where all hope is gone, tomorrow will probably be different though.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

somuchinlove said:


> I feel like a yo-yo. I am up and down about the whole situation. Today is one of those days where all hope is gone, tomorrow will probably be different though.


My sister went through hell with her husband. She was lucky that when he killed himself, she and the kids were on vacation. I have always felt he would have killed them, also. Thank goodness we will never know.

My brother-in-law was in the process of getting a diagnosis, so we don't really don't know what was wrong. He had some wonderful qualities. In my opinion, he really loved his children. But this didn't change the fact that he was dangerous. 

This happened over 20 years ago so my sister and the kids have picked themselves up for the most part. Mental illness can be very hard on the kids. I feel my nephew has never gotten over his father's treatment of him.

Be careful and don't allow guilt to cloud your judgement. 

And hey, if another dog comes in on my Zoey, it had better learn that she's the boss.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Ah, the stigma of BPD and what people assume about it....never ceases to amaze me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Ah, the stigma of BPD and what people assume about it....never ceases to amaze me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have no idea if what I have said applies to BDP or not. Would appreciate being informed.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Feel free to throw rocks at me but borderlines are the most toxic of a toxic breed. They are incurable and irredeemable. It puts a pretty face on sociopaths and spree killers. Prisons are filled with borderlines, death rows, more so.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Feel free to throw rocks at me but borderlines are the most toxic of a toxic breed. They are incurable and irredeemable. It puts a pretty face on sociopaths and spree killers. Prisons are filled with borderlines, death rows, more so.



Much like diabetes has no cure but, is treatable...so is BPD. I wonder RLD, do you think those of us that are BPD have it by choice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No of course not. But you know Schizophrenia isn't cureable either.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Is it possible to have trait of both BPD and NPD? After a few days of research, I have noticed that H shows signs of NPD in his work and social life and signs of BPD when he is around me.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

It is possible for people to have multiple disorders.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Schizophrenia can be treated though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Well that sucks!! I guess my marriage is DOOMED! I feel like I have been living a lie for 7 years. I am getting into counseling next week because I feel like I am going crazy due to H's behaviors. Even as I am writing this talking about my marriage being over, in the back of my mind I still want it to work. What the heck is wrong with me? I love him and I hate him. I want him but don't need him. He is so good to me but yet so bad. I am stuck in a whirlwind and I feel lost.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm glad that you are going to counseling. That will help regardless of what happens down the road. You can still care for him because he is a human being. Any mental disorder can be treated, but there are no cures. 

Take care, and I wish you and the best.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My WH is demonstrating some similar symptoms as a result of his illness (hormone imbalance which causes mental instability until it's controlled) which may or may not improve over time. In our case, there are violent thoughts and anger control issues which made it important for WH and I to be separated, at least. I am not sure what I want to do because I don't know if his behavior can change.

However, if you are strong enough to get through this (and it sounds like you are), I would suggest taking up his offer and going through the divorce. Even though we are often conditioned to stick things out despite the bad, sometimes the bad can endanger us. If his mood swings are so severe that the dog text situation can result in big blow-ups, it might be good to get some distance from each other. If he has shown a desire to leave, then fighting for him to stay might just antagonize him further and push him over the edge. My WH feels like I've kicked him out (though this isn't exactly the case) and it pushed him over the head because he didn't want separation like this (though I think he knew he needed separation from me because of his anger and violence problem that was escalating). Maybe your H realizes that he can't guarantee that he won't hurt you and is giving you a way out? Please be careful about your own safety.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

desert-rose said:


> I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My WH is demonstrating some similar symptoms as a result of his illness (hormone imbalance which causes mental instability until it's controlled) which may or may not improve over time. In our case, there are violent thoughts and anger control issues which made it important for WH and I to be separated, at least. I am not sure what I want to do because I don't know if his behavior can change.
> 
> However, if you are strong enough to get through this (and it sounds like you are), I would suggest taking up his offer and going through the divorce. Even though we are often conditioned to stick things out despite the bad, sometimes the bad can endanger us. If his mood swings are so severe that the dog text situation can result in big blow-ups, it might be good to get some distance from each other. If he has shown a desire to leave, then fighting for him to stay might just antagonize him further and push him over the edge. My WH feels like I've kicked him out (though this isn't exactly the case) and it pushed him over the head because he didn't want separation like this (though I think he knew he needed separation from me because of his anger and violence problem that was escalating). Maybe your H realizes that he can't guarantee that he won't hurt you and is giving you a way out? Please be careful about your own safety.


I never looked at it like that before. He did say that the DR suggested that he be alone for a while but I found out that he has had a gf for the past 3-4 weeks and she has 3 small kids. I don't think that he should be trying to start a new relationship when he hasn't even filed for D yet. At this point, maybe I do need to let him go. I just never thought that I would be losing not only a husband but my best friend. 

I also did more research into his PD. Turns out he is Narcissistic as well. I am trying to be strong but dealing with him on a daily basis is exhausting. I never know when he will call, text or show up anymore. Then when he does decide to make an appearance, I never know what mood he will be in. It is killing me slowly..


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

somuchinlove said:


> My mom works with a Family DR who told her that no mental health physician will tell their patient to leave a good relationship. It's just H trying to justify his behavior and to victimize himself. I hope that he can get on some medication but I truly believe that he is beyond meds. H needs long term treatment for his illness. *I love my H but he is not the same person he has been for 7 years. Matter of fact, I think the past 7 years were a complete act. H acted like he thought I wanted him to act. We loved the same movies, music, food, hobbies, everything. Slowly, I started seeing that his interest were not the same as mine at all.* I would ask him about these things and he would say "I did like them. They just weren't my favorite". Looking back, I can see the signs of PD everywhere I look. This is really sad and heartbreaking for me. I have been in love with a sick man for 7 years! What kind of person does that make me? At this moment, I just want to disappear for a long while


Yes I hear you, my ex. was exactly the same, she even had this delusion that we were higher than everyone else. 
How she has surrounded herself with friends who are just absolute losers. 
As for the acting. Whoa, that is an understatement. 
I look back at it all and think the whole thing was an act as well.

Do you have children involved? Sorry if you've mentioned it already.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

somuchinlove said:


> I never looked at it like that before. He did say that the DR suggested that he be alone for a while but I found out that he has had a gf for the past 3-4 weeks and she has 3 small kids. I don't think that he should be trying to start a new relationship when he hasn't even filed for D yet. At this point, maybe I do need to let him go. I just never thought that I would be losing not only a husband but my best friend.
> 
> I also did more research into his PD. Turns out he is Narcissistic as well. I am trying to be strong but dealing with him on a daily basis is exhausting. I never know when he will call, text or show up anymore. Then when he does decide to make an appearance, I never know what mood he will be in. It is killing me slowly..


Narcisstic personality is a trait of BPD. 
I know this sounds harsh but people with BPD will never know what it's like to be normal. I truly think that people with BPD are in a league of their own. They basically are alienistic. They should never be allowed to enter the lives of normal people.

My ex always told me about a lady she met a number of years ago who sat their and told her about how perfect her life was, then she screwed it all up and now has absolutely nothing. 
My ex would always say to me "I never want to be that woman"
I think she used to say it knowing she will end up like it. 
They can't help but behave the way they do and this is how they end up. 
They feed off things to make them feel depressed. 
Just when you think they've hit rock bottom they go and do something else monumentally stupid.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

mrnice said:


> Yes I hear you, my ex. was exactly the same, *she even had this delusion that we were higher than everyone else.*
> *How she has surrounded herself with friends who are just absolute losers.*
> As for the acting. Whoa, that is an understatement.
> I look back at it all and think the whole thing was an act as well.
> ...


My H is the same way. He even had me convinced for a while that we would have this awesome life where everything would be perfect. I worked my butt off to make sure he was able to not only get in good with his family but get a good job with the family company. We bought our home, a new truck, and started a new life. I went back to school and started working out to get in shape. I know now that H saw this as me bettering myself and he couldn't have that, now could he. 

H is always talking about how beneath him his new friends are. The OW is not very good looking at all, and I am not being mean about it. She is not his type but she is the type that will help make him feel better about himself. He has complete control over his new motley crew. 

I do have a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I actually realized today that he has been projecting on her as well. I basically feel like both of our minds have been violated by this man for the last 7 years. It's a disgusting feeling
But we will be okay. My daughter has agreed to go to see a T so that is a start.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Ok. So for the past month, I have refrained from posting anything on Facebook simply because it seemed to piss my H off no matter what I posted on. Yesterday, I broke my month long silence with this:

*Why is "letting go" so hard? Why can't we just unplug ourselves from whatever it is we want to break free from? On top of all that "letting go", we also have to deal with all of the emotions that come along for the ride. I guess it's just tough to let go of something that was so good. That thing that gave you that warm, tingling sensation in the pit of your stomach...butterflies. All of the great and wonderful memories that were made will forever be imprinted in my mind. I refuse to "let go" of the good times, because good times were all we had. The bad times were but a blink of an eye, but they were enough, I guess. The hardest things in life happen to you without warning. Enjoy the ones that you love. Make them feel special in every way you can. Validate your love for them everyday so that they will never forget that you love them for everything that they are. This way, you might never have to let go..*.

I got rave reviews for this post (a lot of people hit the like button ) and it made me feel good that people were feeling where I am coming from. Several people that liked my post are friends that I made through H. These are some of the people he hangs out with now. I guess H was on Facebook this morning cause this is what he posted:

*U know its been a long time comin.... U know people change and move on and dont ever look back or regret the good days... Dreams are what make people want who they are today and they dont come easy... Im grateful for the little things and happy for the big things that have happened... Makin me stronger, smarter and the main thing not making the same mistakes that have put me in the positions im in today.... Good Day.
*
Nobody has liked his post because anybody who knows us knows he is so full of sh*t his eyes are brown. I will admit that it kind of stung a little to read H's post. The fact that he says it's been a long time coming is false. He woke up one day and wanted out! The part of making the same mistakes that put him in the position he is in today just makes me want to hurl! The position he is in: makes $30+ an hour, Daddy pays his truck payment and half of our house payment, he is 27 and very good looking, he does whatever he wants whenever he wants...all of this because of ME!! So if I was a mistake that led him here, where the heck is he trying to go now? 

I am sure I struck a nerve with my post and he was purposefully trying to upset me. I don't understand how he can get so upset about something I post on a social network when he has completely abandoned my daughter and me. He has caused more pain in the past month than he has ever caused us. I am trying to chalk it up to the fact that he has PD but that excuse is getting old fast. H needs to grow up and get a life...a real one!


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## Kusala (Nov 9, 2011)

Hi
I've been doing lots of reading on the internet re this disorder which I suspect my H is suffering from as well. It definitely sent chills down my spine. Though I'm currently going through a divorce, I'm still very much confused as my H has been begging me not to divorce him. He is not a diagnosed case but he fits all the descriptions about BPD or even that of a sociopath. Can you share some of the nasty things he has done to you over the years? Like some of you here, I feel I've lived in his lies for the past 18 years.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Went to see my T for the first time today. I feel so much better now that my feelings have been validated by a professional. A lot of things were put into prospective for me. My goal for the week is to figure out what I want for MY life. I haven't thought about what I wanted in 7 years. I almost broke out in tears when my T asked what I liked to do. I couldn't answer him because I don't know anymore. I lost myself in my H. I need to get myself back and I will. I can't wait


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

mrnice said:


> Narcisstic personality is a trait of BPD.
> I know this sounds harsh but people with BPD will never know what it's like to be normal. I truly think that people with BPD are in a league of their own. They basically are alienistic. They should never be allowed to enter the lives of normal people.
> 
> My ex always told me about a lady she met a number of years ago who sat their and told her about how perfect her life was, then she screwed it all up and now has absolutely nothing.
> ...


Do you realize how this sounds? Do you even understand how people end up BPD? To say that we should not be allowed around so-called "normal" people is outrageous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He needs to see a psychiatrist. Someone who can give him some meds.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

that_girl said:


> He needs to see a psychiatrist. Someone who can give him some meds.


If he has strong BPD traits, meds won't help much. Granted, the meds can help relieve anxiety and reduce the depression -- i.e., can help with the side effects of BPD. Meds will do nothing, however, to heal the damage to his emotional core: his inability to trust anyone, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, refusal to accept responsibility for his own actions, and his stunted emotional development (frozen at the level of a four year old). To learn to manage and control those traits would take him several years (at least) of hard work in a therapy program targeted to BPDers.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

pidge70 said:


> Do you realize how this sounds? Do you even understand how people end up BPD? To say that we should not be allowed around so-called "normal" people is outrageous.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, my apologies, I'll rephrase this statement.

With all due respect to BPD sufferers who are on medication and understand their predicament.

Perhaps people who have BPD should inform their potential new partners they have a mental disorder that has the potential to totally screw with the normal persons mind, due to irrational thoughts, actions, and behaviour. Then if the normal person is happy to still have them on board then off they go. 

Im sorry but I have met and lived with numerous people who suffer from this affliction and strongly beleive I have the experience to make this statement. Although fairly blunt, but mostly true. 

Just read this poor womans posts in this thread (somuchinlove) she's saying they aren't even properly seperated and already this man has involved himself in another womans life who has 3 small children. Need I say anymore.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

mrnice said:


> I truly think that people with BPD are in a league of their own. They basically are alienistic. They should never be allowed to enter the lives of normal people.


No, MrNice, BPDers are not from another planet. They have the same set of basic human emotions that the rest of us have. The nine BPD traits arise from their over-reliance on the primitive emotional defenses (e.g., projection, denial, and black-white thinking) that all of us used on a 24/7 basis to survive early childhood -- and which we continue using every week throughout our adulthood. Because BPDers never learned how to regulate their emotions, they frequently experience feelings that are so intense that they distort their perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

Yet, if you believe there is something "alien" about having a distorted perception of other peoples' intentions, you are very mistaken. You experience that same distortion every time you get infatuated, very angry, drunk, very tired, or sick. As occurs with BPDers, your perception of other people is distorted every time you have intense feelings. Indeed, it has happened to you so many thousands of times that, before you graduated high school, you already knew you could never trust your own judgement when you were angry or infatuated. That's why, when you are angry, you always try to wait until you cool down before taking action or making important decisions. And that's why you likely waited at least a year before proposing marriage. Hence, BPDers differ from us only in _degree_, not in _kind_. The nine BPD traits become a problem only when they are strong enough to start undermining close LTRs.

As to your claim that BPDers should not be allowed "_to enter the lives of normal people,_" I observe that you are surrounded by BPDers every day and obviously are unaware of that fact. The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning people, many of whom excel even in the care giving professions. They therefore include nurses, social workers, teachers, and medical doctors. 

The HF BPDers usually do very well in dealing with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. None of those people pose a threat to their two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship to abandon and no intimacy to cause the feeling of engulfment. This is why it is common for BPDers to be seen being caring and generous to strangers all day long and then go home that night to abuse the very people who love them. It therefore is not surprising that some biographers claim that Princess Diana and Marilyn Monroe, for example, were BPDers.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

somuchinlove said:


> I need to get myself back and I will.


Yes, you are very insightful, SoMuch. Anyone who willingly stays with a BPDer -- as you have for 7 years and I did for 15 -- almost certainly is an excessive caregiver. As such, our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the people we already are). Indeed, we have such a strong desire to "fix" or help someone that we mistake being needed for being loved. And we have trouble feeling that we are truly loved if our partner does not also desperately need us too. The best explanation I've seen as to how we got this way -- becoming the little "fixers" of the family -- is an article by therapist Shari Schreiber at DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?.

The result is that we are so highly empathetic that we have trouble telling where WE leave off and our PARTNERS begin, making it hard for us to distinguish between their problems and our own. This is why I encourage the caregiver partners of BPDers to read about the nine BPD traits to understand such dysfunctional behavior. Once you have that understanding -- as you apparently do now -- you will be able to more easily see (by subtraction) your own contribution to the toxic marriage. 

Specifically, you will be able to see that you were willing to walk on eggshells for seven years -- not being your true self -- because you were mistakenly convinced that, if you could only figure out what you are doing wrong, you could restore your H to that wonderful man you saw at the beginning. BIG MISTAKE. What you and I were really doing was "enabling behavior" that allowed our spouses to continue behaving like angry, spoiled four year olds. By not allowing them to suffer the logical consequences of their own dysfunctional behavior, we were doing them no favor. On the contrary, we were destroying their only opportunity to have to confront their issues and learn how to manage them. That is, we were harming them, not actually helping them.

I mention this because this insight is the single most effective way to eliminate the overpowering feeling of guilt and obligation that keeps us caregivers stuck in the toxic relationship. The notion of walking away from a sick loved one is anathema to us. It goes against our religion, our family values, our sense of morality -- indeed, against every fiber of our being. But walking away is exactly what we must do if it is in the interests of the children and if the BPDer is not showing substantial progress in an excellent therapy program. 

On top of the guilt feelings, our low personal boundaries also make it difficult to leave because, as I said, we have difficulty distinguishing between our partners' issues and our own issues. Most therapists likely will tell you that you have strong "codependency" traits because you rely too heavily on your ability to make your partner happy as a way of feeling good about yourself. I don't like that term because (a) the Diagnostic Manual doesn't define it and (b) most "codependents" I've met are fiercely independent in nearly every other respect. It is not uncommon to see a divorced "codependent" working a full time job and going home to take care of two kids and five dogs -- while also going out on weekends looking for a spouse to take care of too. I therefore am very glad to hear, Caregiver, that you have started taking better care of _yourself._


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## Kusala (Nov 9, 2011)

Hi somuchinlove
Thank you so much for your long post yesterday, I was deeply moved while reading it and felt compelled to share my experience with you, to tell you that you are not alone.

I met my H when I was 20, got married when I was 28. We've been married for 10 years now so in all, I've been with him for 18years. I must say other than the first 6 months, the rest of the 17.5 years have been a roller coaster ride. Most of the time I've spent alone waiting and pining for his love. I've been diagnosed recently to be suffering from chronic depression, which most probably started after the initial 6 months and have not recovered from it. I never knew the reason why I've only become a crybaby at the age of 21, having grown up a happy child and a happy adolescent, one who did not know how to shed a tear when watching sad movies. 

After our first 6 months together, my charming H started his disappearing act every weekend. He would be uncontactable the whole of Fri and Sat, right through the nights. He would resume his charming self on the other days of the week, though not necessarily we met. He would call me several times a day, as though he could not live without hearing my voice. Before we got married, I've tried time and again to leave him.

The last straw came when we registered for our marriage. I started to get cold feet after that and decided to run away before the actual wedding day. He managed to track me down and travelled all the way there to beg me and show me how sincere he was in marrying me. I asked him then if he had ever betrayed me and he answered a firm No, with a straight face.

Our first year of marrigae was fine and he gave in to all my requests. Then he went outstation in the 2nd and 3rd year. He would let me visit him occasionally in the 2nd year but completely stopped me from visiting him in the 3rd year. So we spent our 2nd and 3rd year living apart. At the end of the 2-year posting, he wanted to request for a permanent posting, which meant that we would be living apart forever! I threatened to divorce him and that's when he came back.

My life became hell again when we were living together. He would come home any time he liked, sometimes 3am and sometimes even 5am. We argued over this numerous times and each time he maintained his innocence and insisted work was keeping him back late. There would always be a slight improvement whenever we argued over it. He would pretend to come home early for 2 weeks or as long as it took to appease me, before resuming his routine again. 

He got from bad to worst this year when he started to totally disappear for nights without telling me when he was. He would also go on frequent "business trips" when he would disappear for days. These trips were so often, to the extent of one trip every week. He is highly secretive, with passcode to his computers at home and all his handphones. When I hacked into his computer, I realised many of these so called business trips were actually personal trips which he had applied for leave from the company.

I also got a PI to trail him and caught him with a woman on the first night. I accused him of leading a double life, which he denied flatly. He would always have good excuses to try to cover up everything he had done. Till now he is still begging me to go back but insisted that he has done nothing wrong. He promised that he would change but his promises are just words.

I've been so confused and torn between whether he truly loves me or is just putting up an act, until I did much reading on sociopath, then I realised I'm not the crazy one.

I've been treated like dirt by him. There was no intimacy after the first 6 months. Once when I called him at 1am to ask him to come home early from work to take me to the doc, he said he was busy. He manipulated me into taking over all household errands, leaving him with all the time in the world to play. He gave me about half an hour to talk to him when he was home, after which he would ask me to leave him alone. He criticised my appearance constantly though everyone else thinks I look great. He also watched porn openly at home. He was uncontactable whenever he was on business trips. His handphones would be switched off totally. He drinks almost every night but insisted he is not an alcoholic. We rarely go out together and have been living rather separate lives.

I need medication to maintain my sanity because he is always blowing hot one instant and cold another. Though I have so much evidence to prove to him that he in fact does not love me, he insists that he loves me so much. Every day I ask myself are these just my imaginations and he actually loves me.

Can anyone reading this just tell me if he is a sociopath/ has BPH?


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

that_girl said:


> *He needs to see a psychiatrist. Someone who can give him some meds.*


I couldn't agree with you more!!


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

mrnice said:


> Ok, my apologies, I'll rephrase this statement.
> 
> With all due respect to BPD sufferers who are on medication and understand their predicament.
> 
> ...


I think BPD/NPD people should have to disclose that information to a potential partner as well. It isn't fair at all to get dragged through the mud for 7 years and then just left on the side of the road like garbage. I did everything for this man and he did nothing but play mind games with me.

As for his gf and her 3 kids, they are on their own. I have to worry about the damage he has caused me and my child. The gf is 7 years older than my H. She has know him since he was 16, so she should no better. Hopefully she will see that his behavior is not normal and get away from him. If not, she better hold on for a horrible ride.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Maybe all BPD'ers should just get "tattooed" as a warning to others. Not everyone knows they are BPD before a relationship. My SO and I got together 17 years ago today and I was not diagnosed until 7yrs ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Maybe all BPD'ers should just get "tattooed" as a warning to others. Not everyone knows they are BPD before a relationship. My SO and I got together 17 years ago today and I was not diagnosed until 7yrs ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand you can't tell someone you have a PD if you don't know, but my H told me himself that he has always had a lot of deep issues hidden within himself. He said he always kept them locked up. He only had the courage to tell me this after he "broke up" with me. He said only then was he comfortable enough to do so. :scratchhead: Since he has been diagnosed, he has started another relationship while still being married to me. He hasn't even filed for D yet! In his case, yes, a tattoo would be an appropriate fix to all the destruction he will cause.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

First, let me just say that I am truly sorry for what you have been through. Nobody deserves to be treated like you have. 



Kusala said:


> *I also got a PI to trail him and caught him with a woman on the first night. I accused him of leading a double life, which he denied flatly. He would always have good excuses to try to cover up everything he had done.*


Knowing this information, why do you continue to put yourself through all of this? He is not going to admit to any of his wrong doings because you don't hold him accountable. He can deny being with another woman all he wants, but YOU have proof.



Kusala said:


> *I've been so confused and torn between whether he truly loves me or is just putting up an act, until I did much reading on sociopath, then I realised I'm not the crazy one.*


You are not crazy at all. Your H is making you think you are crazy. He is projecting on you all of his feelings and emotions. My H has been doing this for years, even as recently as two days ago. When he did it two days ago, I refused to be his sponge. Instead of H staying for 30 mins or so, he left in 10 mins pissed off at the world (he was mad about work that day;just full of self-loathing). He left here knowing that he had to deal with his own emotions. That night he went to sleep still mad. He was forced to cope with his own emotions.



Kusala said:


> *I need medication to maintain my sanity because he is always blowing hot one instant and cold another. Though I have so much evidence to prove to him that he in fact does not love me, he insists that he loves me so much. Every day I ask myself are these just my imaginations and he actually loves me.*


Evidence does not matter to your H. Just like the evidence of his affair didn't matter. He will believe what he wants to believe. You can tell him all the examples of love you have until you're blue in the face. He just won't care. If you ask yourself everyday if he loves you or is it your imagination, then I think you know the answer to that. When you love someone you do things for them that show them that love. It's not out of obligation or responsibility, it is simply because you love them. Sounds like for 17 years you have been putting in 100% of yourself and not getting anything from H.



Kusala said:


> *Can anyone reading this just tell me if he is a sociopath/ has BPH?*


The only one who could tell you that would be a psychiatrist. Your H would have to willingly go to the DR and discuss his issues. If he doesn't think he has a problem, this won't ever happen. 

Kusala, I think you need to stop trying to solve your H's problems and start working on yourself. The fact that YOU have to take meds to keep your sanity is not right at all. You aren't sick, your H is. You should start asking yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Do you want to be with a person that would treat you so cruel for so long? You deserve better than that. i know it seems scary to walk away from someone you love, but it is also scary to stay in a situation that you have absolutely no control over. You literally do not know what tomorrow will bring by staying there, so leaving shouldn't seem so scary.

Also, do you have any kids?


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

My H is literally making me sick! He has been on a cycle the past several weeks:

Monday-very nice to me. 
Tuesday-he is sad and needs comforting. 
Wednesday-he is super happy.
Thursday-he turns ****y and arrogant
Friday-he wants nothing to do with me
Saturday & Sunday- no contact

This week he has completely gone the opposite of what has been the norm. H has been nice all week. He is actually taking off from work during the day and spending alone time with me. The past three days have been very refreshing compared to what has been happening but I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Why is he being so nice and loving to me? H asked me to keep my cell phone on me at work so that he can text me during the day. What for? On top of all this, his gf is starting to act like an immature little pig! H and her can't be friends on Facebook so her best friend added my H to her friends. Now she keeps leaving comments on his page. The comments are basically rubbing stuff in my face. I want to react so bad but I am trying to be a bigger person. How is this woman mad at me when she is messing with a married man? Also, how can you be a true Catholic woman and your bf is married?!?! I know all I have to do is tell H that this bothers me and he will put a stop to it but should I even get involved. OMG!! This is such a confusing day for me....I just needed to vent a little.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

somuchinlove said:


> Why is he being so nice and loving to me?


That is exactly how emotionally unstable people behave, SoMuch. Because a BPDer has a terrible fear of abandonment and engulfment, he will alternate between adoring you and hating you. That is, when he is feeling engulfed by intimacy, he will create a fight over absolutely nothing to push you away. Yet, as you draw back to give him breathing space, his other great fear -- abandonment -- eventually will be triggered. 

At that point, he will suck you back into the relationship. His caring and loving will be so intense that ex-partners usually refer to it as "Hoovering" -- named after the popular vacuum cleaner. Because abandonment and engulfment are at opposite ends of the same spectrum, you have been struggling to find a midpoint position where you are not so close as to trigger the engulfment -- and not so far away as to trigger the abandonment fear. After trying to find that "Goldilocks position" for 15 years, I can confidently tell you that it doesn't exist. Or, if it does, it is a constantly moving knife edge that is impossible to stand on.

I describe these and other BPD behaviors in Blacksmith's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-complicated-marriage-dynamic.html#post358403. By the way, you are fortunate to have attracted Pidge's attention to your thread. Pidge is very knowledgeable about BPD traits.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Uptown said:


> That is exactly how emotionally unstable people behave, SoMuch. *Because a BPDer has a terrible fear of abandonment and engulfment, he will alternate between adoring you and hating you. That is, when he is feeling engulfed by intimacy, he will create a fight over absolutely nothing to push you away. Yet, as you draw back to give him breathing space, his other great fear -- abandonment -- eventually will be triggered. *
> 
> At that point, he will suck you back into the relationship. *His caring and loving will be so intense that ex-partners usually refer to it as "Hoovering" -- named after the popular vacuum cleaner. * Because abandonment and engulfment are at opposite ends of the same spectrum, you have been struggling to find a midpoint position where you are not so close as to trigger the engulfment -- and not so far away as to trigger the abandonment fear. After trying to find that "Goldilocks position" for 15 years, I can confidently tell you that it doesn't exist. Or, if it does, it is a constantly moving knife edge that is impossible to stand on.


This is the craziest week yet! Hoovering is exactly what is happening. H was so nice today, I actually kept my phone on at work. Big mistake. H immediately texted me asking for the cell phone account information. His Daddy is going to by him an iphone 4 and he wants to cancel his phone on the family account. H got mad when I didn't provide the information fast enough. He sent 8 rapid text, all of which were rather rude  When I had a second, I sent him the info he needed but not without letting him know that I was at work and this needed to stop. H apologized, his excuse being he is sick (fever, cough, chills, sweating). He has always been a big baby when he was sick.

A hour later he was texting me about another Facebook incident. H admitted that his new "friend" (which is really his gf's best friend) left some kind of rude comments. He then informed me that he would be deleting his facebook cause I was causing him so much stress over it. I told him I did nothing and that made him even more angry. After spending an entire 15 minute break arguing by text, I let him know I would no longer play this little text war game with him. 

When I left work, H called and apologized for his behavior. He said that he was having a bad day. Then he told me that he had been waiting for me to get off work at our family home. He said he had left because I was taking to long (sorry I had to work late) and he left. Since then, I have talked to H at least three times. He wants to come by to hang out for a while tonight. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

H wants me to be back in his little cycle of love and hate for me. I believe that his new gf is not all he thought she would be. I think that he is seeing that now but the damage is done. I don't know if we can recover from this one. I love him but I don't think he knows how to love me at all. Such a scary, crazy week. Hope the weekend goes a little smoother.


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## Kusala (Nov 9, 2011)

Hi somuchinlove
Thank you so much for your analysis of my situation despite what you are currently going through.

I've filed for divorce two months ago and am awaitng his reaction. The uncertainties with H are exactly what made me decide to leave him. You are right in that I know the answer to whether H loves me. He does not love me enough to want to have a kid with me, which is a blessing now to me.

The best way I've learnt to deal with people with personality disorders, is to ignore them. Since I totally cut off my contacts with H, he is unable to to manipulate and control me. This is the best advice my psychiatrist has given me. Hope it helps you.. When you feel your H is in his mood swings again, you may wanna consider giving him the cold shoulders till the storm is over


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Kusala said:


> Hi somuchinlove
> Thank you so much for your analysis of my situation despite what you are currently going through.
> 
> I've filed for divorce two months ago and am awaitng his reaction. The uncertainties with H are exactly what made me decide to leave him. You are right in that I know the answer to whether H loves me. *He does not love me enough to want to have a kid with me, which is a blessing now to me.*
> ...


H and I have been trying to have a baby for a while now. He would be all aboard and then something would come up. You are right, it's truly a blessing in disguise to not have babies by men like this. I read that sometimes having a baby with a PD can be a horrible experience. 

Ignoring H is my new way of living. You are absolutely right that by showing him any attention, I give him the power to control and manipulate. On Friday night, H came by very briefly. He acted like he was running late for something so he could leave in a hurry. H made sure to tell me he would call the next day. Of course, I knew he wouldn't so I just left it alone. Yesterday, I took a small trip after work to the beach with my daughter, my nieces and nephew and my mom. We had a blast!  I took some new pictures--cause I have lost so much weight on what I call the Divorce Diet--to post on Facebook. H has deactivated his account so no more Facebook Wars. I got tons of comments that night on my new look. I had a little get together at my house as well. It was a good day!

This morning while checking my email, I noticed that H had emails from Facebook in his account (I still check H's emails for him cause of bills and work). Apparently he reactivated his account at 2am!:rofl: I can only imagine what happened: our mutual friends must have told him about my new pics, the little party and the fun I am having. H can't stand it. It is bad that I feel great knowing that he was worried about what I was doing at 2am? Ignoring H is working great!

Can't wait to see what happens today. I'm sure he'll want to come home for a while to rest and watch some football. I can't wait to ignore him while he's here at the house


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

I am so very thankful that the weekend is over, but the weekend was full of revelations. This whole mess with H has finally taken a toll on my daughter. She is acting very withdrawn, angry, frustrated and sad. I have asked her what is wrong but can't get an answer from her. I already know what the problem is and it angers me tremendously. How can a man just up and walk out of a child's life one day? H hasn't had anything to do with my child in over a week. No visits, calls or text. She is devastated by all of this. I want to help her but I don't know how 

Also, how long does it take to get served D papers? H said he went last Wednesday to file and it would be a day or two before I am served. Others told me it would be at least 2 weeks. What is the normal time frame? Thanks in advance...


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Get your daughter in counseling. Be sure to brief the counselor on the situation at home. Don't waste any time on this.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

I want to get her in to see a counselor but I don't have the money right now  H is not giving me as much money as he was. Plus, I have to save up for my moving expenses, Christmas for my kid, household expenses and whatever else. I might have to wait to get her in when we move. That way I can get her on medicaid because we have no health insurance as of now (H never bothered to add us to his policy but we don't qualify for low income health insurance)

H has also changed his cell phone number. I have no way of getting a hold of him at all! He did call me but told me he hasn't decided if he wants to give me his new number or not....he can keep it!! I am not playing this game with him. He is nothing to me and on his own. I can't believe I married this jerk!!


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

somuchinlove said:


> My H is literally making me sick! He has been on a cycle the past several weeks:
> 
> 
> Monday-very nice to me.
> ...


I'll see if i can put sense in to the above for you

Monday-very nice to me. (*He's just been out with his new girlfriend all weekend, and feels bad about it and wants to make it up with you*

Tuesday-he is sad and needs comforting. (*He's depressed because he doesn't know whether he is Arthur or Martha, misses his new girlfried and questions his actions and how it is affecting you*

Wednesday-he is super happy.(*Feels as though everything is ok, again, he's convinced himself he can lead two lives, one with you, one with the new girlfriend, and convinced himself you're happy to go along with it*

Thursday-he turns ****y and arrogant (*He wants out, and wants to make you feel upset with him because of his actions*

Friday-he wants nothing to do with me(*Of course he doesn't because he's about to see his new girlfriend all weekend*

Saturday & Sunday- no contact(*refer to Friday's comments*

Id be willing to put money on my above comments being somewhat true.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

mrnice said:


> I'll see if i can put sense in to the above for you
> 
> Monday-very nice to me. (*He's just been out with his new girlfriend all weekend, and feels bad about it and wants to make it up with you*
> 
> ...


No need to put money on it at all. This is most likely the case. What has my head spinning is his recent actions. Why is he making time for me now? I think that the newness and lust of the OW is fading fast and he doesn't know what to do anymore. H came by today very briefly. He was wearing the same clothes he had on Friday. He smelled like a hobo. 

If there is one thing that I have learned in the past 5 weeks it's this: when it comes to PDers, anything goes. Everyday is different and everyday their personalities will be different. I am done trying to figure out his issues. H can have all the freedom he wants. Maybe he can wash some clothes on his own with all this new found freedom :rofl:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Interesting. I don't think my H is BPD but he's definitely suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When I read about that it's like they were using him as a textbook example. 



> In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following symptoms:
> 
> * Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
> * Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
> ...


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> *Interesting. I don't think my H is BPD but he's definitely suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When I read about that it's like they were using him as a textbook example.*


you and me both! At first I had thought that he was BPD but H is far more NPD with BPD traits. It might be cruel, but now that I understand what is wrong with him, I get a kick out of playing with his mind like he has mine for so long. I don't do it often  but if I feel like he is trying to get a reaction out of me, I will turn it around on him. I am getting better at this everyday


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

somuchinlove said:


> you and me both! At first I had thought that he was BPD but H is far more NPD with BPD traits.


:iagree: Yep, that's my H as well. The "hot and cold" thing really applies to him. Ever since I've started pulling away from him he's gotten a lot "nicer". He calls, tells me he loves me, wants to make plans to see me and today he sent me flowers and a card telling me he loves me and thanking me for everything I've done for him. 

I called him and asked him what happened to my husband. :rofl: He said "I've sent flowers to you before". 

"Not in two years"

"That long? What about Valentines Day?"

"Not THIS past Valentine's Day and on our anniversary you said it was a 'stupid holiday'. "

He was silent and said "Well, I guess we need to change that. I didn't know it was that long". 

"About 2 years, when you sent me the multi colored roses". 

He forgets just how good my memory is. 

Even so, I thought that was very nice. They were pretty flowers and a nice suprise and the card was sweet. I appreciated it a lot but he does this a lot. All hot and cold..

Whenever I chase him he basically tells me to get lost and abuses me. But when I put distance from him he chases me like crazy until he gets me again and will use anything to keep me in line, be it bribes, promises, compliments or intimidation, threats, abuse, etc. It's an emotional roller coaster that I choose not to ride anymore but I don't mind if he's nice. It's a heck of a lot better than fighting.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :Whenever I chase him he basically tells me to get lost and abuses me. But when I put distance from him he chases me like crazy until he gets me again and will use anything to keep me in line, be it bribes, promises, compliments or intimidation, threats, abuse, etc. *It's an emotional roller coaster that I choose not to ride anymore but I don't mind if he's nice. It's a heck of a lot better than fighting. *


:iagree:

Again, this is what is happening to me too. The less attention I give H the more he wants it. When he gets the attention he needs, then I become everything that is evil and wrong and he can't get away quick enough. Like I said, it has become somewhat of a form of entertainment to me. 

My friends and family have giving me a lot of grief for the fact that I still put up with him to a certain extent. I have to tell them that when he is mean it is bad but when he's nice it's not bad at all. It's better than fighting. Of course they don't get it. How could they? Unless you have lived with someone who suffers from a PD, there is no way to comprehend this life. 

FreakOnALeash-how long have you been going through D with your H? It has only been 6 weeks for me but feels like an eternity.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

somuchinlove said:


> FreakOnALeash-how long have you been going through D with your H? It has only been 6 weeks for me but feels like an eternity.


If "D" means Divorce then I'm not. We are separated but no plans to divorce. I see no point in it right now. We have no plans to live together either. 

If "D" means disorder than I've been dealing with his abuse for the past 20 years but it's been REALLY bad the past 2 years, when my husband added alcoholism to the mix.

My daughter is the one who gives me grief about having anything to do with my H. She'd love it if we divorced. For a number of reasons I keep in contact with him, primarily because I need things from him monetarily and I don't want to have to hire an attorney and get nasty. I'm in "wait and see" mode about a number of things. 

I used to be emotionally attached to him but that's pretty much gone. I still like him as a buddy when I do see him and as long as he's nice to me I don't mind his company. We still have things in common. It's a good place to be in because I can walk away when he's a jerk and don't give it much thought, whereas before it ate me up emotionally. Having my own place helps a LOT. He has talked about us living together again and I know that isn't going to happen. 

He knows something has changed with me but he doesn't know what. I'm waiting for him to accuse me of having an affair or something like that. Nothing could be further from the truth. The LAST thing I want is another man in my life.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

somuchinlove said:


> No need to put money on it at all. This is most likely the case. What has my head spinning is his recent actions. Why is he making time for me now? I think that the newness and lust of the OW is fading fast and he doesn't know what to do anymore. H came by today very briefly. He was wearing the same clothes he had on Friday. He smelled like a hobo.
> 
> If there is one thing that I have learned in the past 5 weeks it's this: when it comes to PDers, anything goes. Everyday is different and everyday their personalities will be different. I am done trying to figure out his issues. H can have all the freedom he wants. Maybe he can wash some clothes on his own with all this new found freedom :rofl:


Somuchinlove,

I beleive it is time to teach yourself to let go and move on asap.
Don't delay.
This man is destroying you. 
I can only give you advice I was given.
Be strong, hold onto something solid and don't let him drag you down with him. 
Do not attempt to stay with this man for all the wrong reasons. 
It is clear his life is now taking a different path and clearly you won't be on the same path.

As for your daughter, you just need to sit her down and open up and tell the truth. Plain and simple, no need to sugar coat it, she will appreciate it, but just don't talk badly about her father. Tell her he has got issues which are clearly out of your control, tell her you've tried to help him.

But start planning for your new life without him.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

mrnice said:


> As for your daughter, you just need to sit her down and open up and tell the truth. Plain and simple, no need to sugar coat it, she will appreciate it, but just don't talk badly about her father. Tell her he has got issues which are clearly out of your control, tell her you've tried to help him.
> 
> But start planning for your new life without him.


That's pretty much been my "MO" as well. I live my life for myself and my kids. I tell my kids that their father has real issues and that I've tried to help him but the only way he can get better is he is to help himself. No one can save him but himself. 

You gotta move on and not let someone like that drag you down.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

H admitted today that he is not and has not been responsible for his own emotions, ever. He also told me that he loved me and wanted to be with me but knows that he can't do that in his current state of mind. A part of me is overjoyed that he is finally realizing his situation. Another part of me has already called upon Karma to work her magic. Today H had a mini wreck in his 2011 Dodge Ram--the bumper is no longer sleek looking;it's more of a crunch look. He has also been sick for 5 days which is a record for the past 7 years. The longest he has ever been in our entire relationship was 2 days. I am watching my H crash and burn right before my eyes. I knew it would happen, I just didn't think it would be so soon...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

somuchinlove said:


> H admitted today that he is not and has not been responsible for his own emotions, ever.


Well, until he stops making excuses and accepts responsibility for his actions and emotions there's no hope for him or your marriage. 

Of course he can be like MY husband and come up with a fatal disease to make you feel sympathy for him and thus have the ultimate excuse....  :slap:


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Well, until he stops making excuses and accepts responsibility for his actions and emotions *there's no hope for him or your marriage.*
> 
> Of course he can be like MY husband and come up with a fatal disease to make you feel sympathy for him and thus have the ultimate excuse....  :slap:


Our marriage is over. I am waiting to be served with the D papers any day now. He has put me through an emotional Hell over the past 5-6 weeks  I am looking forward to getting served actually.

I don't think that my H will go as far as a fatal disease to make me feel for him, but he does use his NPD/BPD all the time. He can be so convincing sometimes. I need to learn how to not get suckered back into his chaos. It also irritates me that he is introducing his friends to his gf while he is still married! I find this to be rather disrespectful and plain old rude. Could he at least wait another month for me to leave this horrible city before he starts replacing me with this terrible woman?


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

somuchinlove said:


> Our marriage is over. I am waiting to be served with the D papers any day now. He has put me through an emotional Hell over the past 5-6 weeks  I am looking forward to getting served actually.
> 
> I don't think that my H will go as far as a fatal disease to make me feel for him, but he does use his NPD/BPD all the time. He can be so convincing sometimes. I need to learn how to not get suckered back into his chaos. It also irritates me that he is introducing his friends to his gf while he is still married! I find this to be rather disrespectful and plain old rude. Could he at least wait another month for me to leave this horrible city before he starts replacing me with this terrible woman?



Please remember that this woman could well just be getting suckered into his grim world of negativitism just like you did. 
She may not be terrible at all right now, but I can guarantee you she will feel terrible when she realises what this man is really like. 

You cannot even begin to imagine the stories he is spinning her, he could be telling her he has seperated from you because of your infidelity(i know this isn't the truth) but he'd just be telling her whatever he wants to. She probably thinks you're the terrible woman. 

As for his friends, unless they are losers like him, I'll guarantee they'll be talking about his actions and what he's doing behind his back.

Don't feel bad Somuchinlove, FEEL HAPPY it's finally coming to an end.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

mrnice said:


> *Please remember that this woman could well just be getting suckered into his grim world of negativitism just like you did. *


She isn't being suckered. She knows he's married cause she works for the family business--so does her husband :scratchhead:. She also knows that we had a great marriage. She is playing with fire and knows that she is. Funny thing is he is already tired of her. The affair fog is thinning out. H's fantasy is colliding with his reality. All this was fun when he was hanging out, but this woman is 7 years older than H, has 3 kids and probably doesn't want a little "fling". I'm sure she wants a relationship. If H wanted that, he would be at home with me. 



mrnice said:


> *You cannot even begin to imagine the stories he is spinning her...She probably thinks you're the terrible woman.*


I know he has to be telling her lies, but again, she knows that he is married. If she was a decent person, she would demand that he gets out of his marriage before she introduces him to her children. Not very smart on her part. 



mrnice said:


> *As for his friends, unless they are losers like him, I'll guarantee they'll be talking about his actions and what he's doing behind his back.*


H's friends are partial losers but they for sure talk about him behind his back. None of them have the courage to stand up to my H though. Either that or they just don't care if he messes up his life or not. In any case, they really aren't his true friends anyhow.



mrnice said:


> Don't feel bad Somuchinlove, *FEEL HAPPY* it's finally coming to an end.


I went to my second IC session today. T told me that I looked like a completely different person this week compared to last week. He was right. I am coming to terms with my situation. With this new contentment comes a promise of happiness. I have noticed I am happier lately. Not all the time but more than I have been the past month. 

Maybe this happiness stems from the fact that H today showed me how he is crashing and burning right before my eyes. He is so broke that he had to come by the house today to get our "coin jar" that we throw our extra change in at the end of the day. He is trying to pay for two households, going out with his gf and buddies, going out to eat, buying materialistic things, basically living way beyond his means. I have been stashing money aside for weeks now. He obviously hasn't been doing the same. He stated that he now hates his job, he has nothing and is alone--H is splitting the his job, friends, family and gf black now and I am now all that s good in the world . I swear everyday a new aspect is revealed of my H's chaotic mind.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Last night, while getting ready for bed, my daughter finally broke her silence on this whole mess that has become our life. For the past couple of weeks, she has been very withdrawn, distant, quiet and not her usual self. She has refused to talk about what H is doing and how it has affected her. As I was crawling into bed last night, she said 5 little words that pulled on my heart strings: I feel bad for him.

She then proceeded to tell me that she knows what he has done to us is not right. She feels bad for what is going on inside his head. Since this whole thing has started, she has overheard bits and pieces of conversations I have had with friends and family. A few times I said some not so nice things about H. Last night, my daughter told me I was absolutely wrong for saying those things. She said that it bothered her that I could be so mean to H. She said that nobody had the right to judge him for what he is doing because they don't know the real him. She said that she and I have lived with him for 7 years and we know that this is not normal behavior for him. She misses him. She is worried about him. She wants him to come home. At 12 years old, my daughter suggested that H move back home. We have a 3 bedroom house so there is not a lack of space. Basically, she wants to make a few more good memories with her "daddy" before we leave for good. How did my kid become so smart, strong and compassionate?

I honestly feel my daughter's feelings are exactly what H and I are feeling as well. Even though we know that the marriage is over, we still want to make the best of the time we have left. I texted H to let him know that if he needed to move back home, the door was open. I didn't go into detail, I kept it short and simple. He didn't respond last night but I know he will call today. I have been keeping a lot of my daughter's and my emotions hidden from H. Today he will hear how we really feel. I am also writing him a letter (T thought this would be a good idea) since having a logical conversation with H is next to impossible. So if he shuts down during the verbal conversation, I have at least written down what I want him to know. I hope that this turns out for the best.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I wish you and your daughter the best.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Thanks, HerToo! I swear, I was terrified that my daughter would not bounce back from this. Apparently, she was just being observant and trying to find the right words and time to talk about this. She is truly an amazing child and person. I couldn't be more proud of her for having so much compassion for a person that has hurt her so deeply. I am a proud Momma today


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Both you and your daughter are amazing individuals. And you know it. Your daughter is lucky to have such a wonderful mother, role model, and overall good person in her life.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

somuchinlove said:


> Our marriage is over. I am waiting to be served with the D papers any day now. He has put me through an emotional Hell over the past 5-6 weeks  I am looking forward to getting served actually.


You DID write this, didn't you?  :scratchhead: Now you are looking to have him move back in with you? What happened?

My .02 is that if you are indeed planning to get divorce than having him move back in and further muddying the waters and dragging this out would be the WORST thing you could do for both you and your daughter. It's like pulling a scab off a wound that's scarcely healed. I would refrain from saying bad things about him in front of her since she obviously feels for him. I try my best not to say bad things about my H to or near my son for this very reason. But at 12 she's got to be seeing and realizing what the situation is and how his behavior has affected your family life and you. 

Plus, your H has been SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN for the past month! Is THIS the kind of role model you want your daughter exposed to? The kind of person you want to resume your life with? 

Your daughter is needing some counseling, either with you as a family or on her own but the fact remains that if this man is as bad and as abusive and behaving as erratically as you say then the worst thing you can is continue to subject both you and her to him. Things like having conversations (especially if he doesn't verbalize well) or writing letters just stirs things up. Also, do yourself a BIG favor and take your H off your friends list on Facebook. It sounds like you have a soap opera on Facebook that isn't making anything better for you. I think Facebook is one of the worst things to happen in the 21st Century but that's another rant... 

Now is the time to let the dust settle and lay the foundation for your ultimate separation: Your divorce. IF this is indeed what you really want. Sounds like you are having second thoughts. 

Kids are always a component that causes additional pain in a situation like this. It's painful for them and therefore painful for you. I understand this completely. With me, my kid have adjusted VERY well to our separation. In fact, they seem to vastly prefer my H and I being separated than to us living together. I guess almost two years of living in our private version of Hell will do that to even the most devoted child.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> *You DID write this, didn't you?  :scratchhead: Now you are looking to have him move back in with you? What happened?*


The deal is I am well aware that my marriage is over. The fact still remains that H made an impulsive decision to move out and he can't afford it anymore. After talking with my child, we feel that H moving back in is for the best. He is still taking financial responsibility for the house, our groceries, all the bills and he gives me an "allowance" of sorts (this is the money that I have been stashing). His new place is putting a strain on the family home financially and my finances as well. Our home is 3000 sq ft, 3 bedroom home. There is plenty of room and we would hardly ever see him anyway. Nothing would change. Everybody would know where we all stood. 



Freak On a Leash said:


> *But at 12 she's got to be seeing and realizing what the situation is and how his behavior has affected your family life and you.*


Yes does realize exactly what is going on. She gets it a lot better than most adults. She is the one that suggested that H move back in until we move in a month or so. We actually talked about it in depth for a while.



Freak On a Leash said:


> *She might be needing some counseling,*


We will be getting counseling for her when we move to our permanent location. 



Freak On a Leash said:


> *Now is the time to let the dust settle and lay the foundation for your ultimate separation: Your divorce. IF this is indeed what you really want. Sounds like you are having second thoughts.*


The dust has settled and the foundation being built on more solid ground than the past 7 years of my life. Do I want a D? No. Do I need to get out of this marriage? Yes and I can see that. H is deeply troubled by too much from his past that he can't let go. I have made it very clear to H that if he were to move back in he needs to be in his own room, we are still separated and he is free to continue to live his life just like I am. I no longer feel responsible for the turn my marriage took. H knows where I stand.

On another note, the letter I am writing to him is more for me to release my feelings and emotions on this whole thing. I have not been able to have a rational conversation with H when it comes to MY feelings. We have always wrote each other notes, letters, poems and songs. It was a way to communicate better with each other. I will give him the letter, but whether he reads it or not is his choice. I will have released all those feelings by then so it won't matter.



Freak On a Leash said:


> *Just one thing I'd like to have clarified is whether or not your H is your daughter's biological father. I noticed that you used quotes for "daddy" and mentioned that she is 12 but you've been living together for 7 years. What's the situation here.*


H is not my daughter's bio-father. Bio-father is incarcerated for a really long time and has been since my child was 4. H has been in her life longer than her actual father. He has raised her as his own. He taught her things and showed her things that only a father can. She is who she is because of him--and me too. Up until last month, they had a wonderful relationship. When H decided to leave he started avoiding her due to the guilt and pain he feels over what he has done. He has said that he wants to remain in her life but his actions say something different.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I deleted the last part you answered in my post because in reading this thread's back posts I saw that your daughter wasn't your H's bio kid. Sounds like until recently they had a nice relationship though. It's a shame it came to this. Your kid's been through a lot. 

Well, it sounds like you have a solid handle on things and a little compassion goes a long way. Many think I'm crazy to even spend the holidays or any time at all with my H after the way he's been but it's hard to be cold and lack compassion for someone who was once good and provided well for you but has changed due to mental illness or other factors. I still remember when my H was a pretty good guy. There's no excuse for his actions, even the excuses he has come with don't exonerate him..but I see no reason to kick him to the curb and make stay home alone on the holidays, not see his kids or me, etc..provided he acts decently. 

If your H is in his own room and it saves money and allows you to move to a better place then it's win-win, provided you are emotionally able to deal with it. It sounds like you are and you are indeed providing a good role model for your child. 

Even my daughter, who can't stand her father at this point in town, for good reason IMO, has said she admires the way I've conducted myself. I think for all of her 17 year old teenage bravado she likes the fact that I'm acting decently towards him and always have. 

I've often told my kids that I'm not doing this for him as much as for myself...because in the end we all have to look at ourselves in the mirror and answer for our own actions. I think it's important that as parents we conduct ourselves in a manner that our kids can emulate and be proud of. 

You're doing great. Keep up the good work. :smthumbup:


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> *I've often told my kids that I'm not doing this for him as much as for myself...because in the end we all have to look at ourselves in the mirror and answer for our own actions. I think it's important that as parents we conduct ourselves in a manner that our kids can emulate and be proud of. *


This is exactly how I feel. I have always told my daughter to treat others how you would want to be treated if you happened to be in their position. You never know when the tables might turn. It really does suck that both she and I have to go through this, but at least we are in it together. This is a good time for us to grow and learn from this. I want her to know that no matter if a situation is good or bad, it is only temporary and there is always a something to be learned from it. Plus, I know form past experience that harboring negative and hateful feelings towards someone is damaging to you mentally, physically and emotionally. It also takes more energy to hate or be mad. I find it better for mine and my daughter's well being to be positive. 

Thanks for your kind words. I stumbled upon this website at a very bad time in my life. I know it wasn't that long ago but I feel that because of everybody's advice and encouraging words here, I have been able to move on from a bad spot very fast. It also feels really good to vent.  Thanks y'all!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

You really have a good handle on this. I'm impressed..and I'm not easily impressed. 

My kids have been an incredible source of comfort and support to me in all that we've gone through. I don't know what I would've done without them. My 17 year old daughter is the one who said we needed to get out of our old house and find the apartment we are in. She went with me to go shopping for the apartment, helped me pack and has listened to me rattle on and on about a number of things for months now. She has been my rock and a source of strength, in many ways. 

My 14 year old son is a very typical teenage boy in that he isn't one for talking but his compassion, affection and unique perspective and sense of humor have kept me afloat emotionally in ways I couldn't possibly describe. When I come home from work he's there to give me a big hug and kiss. Next year, when my daughter is away at college, it will be just him and I and at one time I didn't know how that would work out, but now I know it'll be great. Now if I could just get him to pick up and fold his clothes more often... 

The fact that I've been able to do what I have for my kids and that they've been so supportive and appreciative has been better than any therapy or counseling I could've received. This past year, my children and I have grown up and together a lot. As my daughter has said "We are all in a better place despite it starting out so bad."

The fact that you and your daughter have been there for each other is the greatest gift you can each have and give to one another. You will both continue to grow and thrive because you have each other's shared experiences and philosophy. Bad things can either pull you apart from your loved ones or bring your together. It's what you make of it that counts in the end. 

My daughter and son have reacted to our situation with my H in different ways. My daughter wants nothing to do with him and in many ways has cut herself off emotionally in order to survive and move forward. My son still wants his father in our lives but is cautious about having contact with him. I swing closer to my son's attitude most times, although recently I have found myself feeling more distantly towards him but in a good way. But I haven't kicked him to the curb in a way that she'd like me to either. 

I can tell that I have retained the respect and admiration of my son as a result of my attitude and actions. I think if I'd taken on a role of revenge and retribution towards my H my son would feel that I'm reacting out of anger and bitterness. These are not qualities that he considers right or proper. Despite everything, he still loves his father and feels badly for him. He wants to keep him in our lives, despite all that has happened because in the end, he's STILL his father. IMO these are natural feelings to have, especially since my H was in many ways a great father and provider up until about 2 years ago. I think your daughter is coming from the same perspective as my son. 

My daughter has often asked me why I still put up with my H, even after all that he's done and put us through. I don't know if this is truly the case, but her attitude is that we should cut him out of our lives like a bad tumor and move on and that he is now a bad person and should be treated as such. My answer to her has always been "As a Christian (my daughter is deeply involved in her church and religion) you should know why. You know about 'Do on to others' and 'Turn the other cheek?' "

That's when she will nod and express admiration for how I'm acting, especially in light of the fact that I'm not a religious person like her. But while I don't talk the talk I do feel it's important to walk the walk. I think it's it's important to act decently. Going to Church every Sunday is only as good as what you do in between. 

My answer is often "Sweetie, I like to sleep well at night. What I do with regards to your father enables me to do that". It's one thing to say that someone who has hurt you should rot in Hell, it's another to condemn them to it. 

Follow your heart and gut and you can't go wrong..assuming that you are a good person to start with.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

FreakOnALeash-my mom was a single mother as well. I was telling her last night that the things we went through (her , my sister and me) brought us so much closer as a family. We lived through things that nobody else did. I am so thankful that I have my daughter. Not only does she help me stay strong but she makes me laugh. She is my constant in all of this. 

Well, last night I gave H the letter I wrote him. I was not sure why he came over last night, but he seemed to be in good spirits so I thought it was as good time as any to let him have it. I had put the letter in a plastic bag with a few of his things. He looked in the bag, saw the letter and asked what it was. I told him it was something I needed him to have and he was free to do with it whatever he wanted. H looked me in the eyes and said 'Wow...that's weird". I wasn't sure what to make of this comment. I will admit that I felt a little embarrassment. H is not right in his head but he can call me weird. How is it that me writing a letter is weird but his behavior is not weird? After the initial feeling of embarrassment, I go angry. How dare he try to make me feel inferior to him! H is not the man I fell in love with and married. My H would have never called me weird for expressing myself. He has become the kind of person that I despise the most. If I met him today, he would not be someone I could see myself with. He has become a very sad specimen indeed


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

somuchinlove said:


> H is not right in his head but he can call me weird. How is it that me writing a letter is weird but his behavior is not weird? After the initial feeling of embarrassment, I go angry. How dare he try to make me feel inferior to him! H is not the man I fell in love with and married. My H would have never called me weird for expressing myself. He has become the kind of person that I despise the most. If I met him today, he would not be someone I could see myself with. He has become a very sad specimen indeed


If I had a dollar for every time I've thought the EXACT same thing about my H I'd be a millionaire several times over. 

I think it was "weird" for him to say that. I can see saying "Oh, ok, that's nice" or "thanks"..but weird? :scratchhead:

He's got issues. Don't let them get to you. As the song says "It's not me, it's you"..Or in this case HIM. 

It's going to be a bit rough for you if he moves back. I remember the last days my H lived with us. It was pretty awful but we got through it and to a better place. I still remember how relieved and happy I was when I drove home from work the day after he left and saw him NOT sitting on the porch drinking. I still feel that way when he pulls his crap and I can go home to MY place, which I often call my "sanctuary". 

Something tells me that one day your H is going to be very sorry he left you and your daughter. You sound like great people and he is going to be a very lonely, sad man..kinda like my H is right now.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Something tells me that one day your H is going to be very sorry he left you and your daughter. You sound like great people and he is going to be a very lonely, sad man..kinda like my H is right now.


He is already sorry for the things he has done, but for whatever reason, he can't figure out how to go back and fix his mistakes. He called today to let me know that he had actually read the letter. He sounded a little upset or sad but he denied this when I asked if he was okay. He later admitted that he has been super emotional (due to the letter?) and feeling very down. H then went into the whole "I miss you and my family" bit, which quickly turned to the "I have to stay away from you so that I can let you go" bit. :scratchhead::scratchhead: He is the one that has set this ball in motion and now he wants me to feel bad for him because he is having an emotional day. PLEASE! He needs to man up and take responsibility for his actions. You are right. He will be sorry that he let his family go. It will eat him alive for the rest of his life. 

I also ran into his step-mom on my way to work. I have thought that his family was on his side and didn't care what was going on with me and my daughter. I was wrong. She was very concerned and sincere when she was talking to me. I was actually on the phone with H when I saw her. He got upset when he found out I had spoken to her...wonder why? Could it be that he has completely lied to his family about the real reasons for the divorce? I think it is. H's fantasy is colliding with his reality rather quickly. He is a sinking ship.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

I have learned that the best way for me to get on with my life is to not deal with my STBX. The past 6 weekends he has disappeared only to make an appearance on Monday. This Monday he is on his own. I feel so much better when I don't have to deal with him at all. I feel so alive for the first time in a long time.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

After sleeping in this morning , I was not very surprised to see that H had texted twice and called once. What was shocking was him saying that he was thinking about me all weekend. I called him back because I had nothing better to do this morning. H was happy but soon turned sour. He is just down in the dumps and I'm not at all. I asked him why he was happy and now he was sad. He said it is because he expects something from me when he calls. I asked him what it was he expected. H replied that he doesn't know.  I informed him that I have done everything possible in this situation. I have been nice, happy, angry, sad. I have invited him over for dinner, movies or just to hang out. I even told him that I have ignored his calls a few times, so what does he expect me to do? The only thing I haven't done is begged for him to come home and make this marriage work. H claims he wants none of that at all. He doesn't know what he wants. Oh well...this is no longer my concern. 

I really don't understand what he is trying to do anymore. He wants a D but he misses and loves me. He wants to come home but he needs to let me go. He wants me to be his friend but he won't let me. What is this guys problem??


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He is playing you. A person either wants their marriage or they don't. 

He doesn't. So tell him, if he wants the divorce, tell him he can have it but don't expect you to be there for him. Look at his ACTIONS not his words. Him filing sends a pretty clear message.

I was married to someone who did the same bull. Didn't want to be married but wanted all of the perks of being married. Doesn't work that way. Save yourself the heartache and limbo and tell him it's either ALL in or NOTHING. He will string you along as long as you let him.


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