# excessive texting by wife with opposite sex coworker



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

My plan is to post this text and hope to get comments and have my wife read this. Unfortunately because of my wife's past with poor boundaries with the opposite sex I feel the need to be guarded with her. I admit I probably have insecurities but when my gut says I should be checking and I find things not right I guess I feel justified. Recently I became aware of my wife's excessive texting with a male coworker- everyday usually starting about 9 ish and usually going at least until 6 30 or 7 pm which is when she would get home from the drive from work. Plus plenty of 8, 9 , 10 pm texts during the week as well as weekend texts and Friday night texts. During the week the texts are usually in the teens to 20's in volume from a day to day basis. Weekends vary but more like 4-6 a day. When I first became aware of them I would check her phone and find that particular persons texts erased when others who i knew texted her were still there (kids etc). When I finally decided I had enough and talked to her about it the core response was it was nothing and she had erased the texts because he had mentioned that he thought Scarlett Johanson was sexy and she didn't want our daughter to see that since she often uses my wife's phone. Which doesn't explain the rest of the texts she erased and in my mind why were they discussing who he thought was sexy? Plus she knew on a Wednesday I was extremely unhappy with her about something and all I would tell her was she had been deceitful with me but didn't say about what and she claimed to have no idea. The next day (Thursday) after 45-60 days of this excessive texting there was not a single text exchange between them all day or on drive home from work- my conclusion was she talked to him - she says they were really busy and had no time to text. Yet the day before when they had been together all day for a work related trip they still texted all the way driving home from work. I tried to discuss this through the weekend with some success- we are talking- but I don't feel I am getting answers as to why the texts were erased and why so much. We discussed that after work hours and weekends should be off limits and I thought we agreed. He texted her Friday night 7 30 ish and I asked to have the text forwarded to me- the history says it was 2 texts from him but she sent one to me and didn't respond to him. The text was joking about the high school football game across the road from him. We discussed some Sunday that I didn't feel we have resolved anything yet and my questions weren't really answered. She responded that it seemed that I just wasn't getting the answers I thought I would hear. Then at 4 30 that afternoon she exchanged texts with him again- him 2 her 1. Doesn't seem I got anywhere because I sure would think she could have refrained from texting at least that weekend but apparently not. So what does everyone think?


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

So you've been dealing with her wandering eye for what? 6 years now?

I don't think she'll ever change. Why should she? She knows just how to handle you. Has for years.


----------



## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

You have every right to be concerned, and she's definitely hiding something from you. You don't hide things that are good, either.

She will gaslight and trickle truth you unless you have hard evidence. Drop it for now, go read the Standard Evidence Post, and figure out how to get that evidence.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is what ****blocking was invented for. Not sure why you're letting this happen, but you are so I guess it's at least partly on you. Are you willing to put a stop to it or not? Honestly, are you a little affraid of him? Is that why you don't confront?


----------



## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

bremik said:


> pI became aware of my wife's excessive texting with a male coworker- everyday usually starting about 9 ish and usually going at least until 6 30 or 7 pm which is when she would get home from the drive from work. Plus plenty of 8, 9 , 10 pm texts during the week as well as weekend texts and Friday night texts. During the week the texts are usually in the teens to 20's in volume from a day to day basis. Weekends vary but more like 4-6 a day.


LOL! Not only is this inappropriate, it's childish. I'm sorry you have to deal with this behavior.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

bremik said:


> My plan is to post this text and hope to get comments and have my wife read this.


I really think the second half of this statement is a _*terrible idea*_. Don't bring her to this thread. People are going to be telling you how to catch her, and if she sees it she'll only be better at hiding this.



bremik said:


> when my gut says I should be checking and I find things not right I guess I feel justified. Recently I became aware of my wife's excessive texting with a male coworker....When I first became aware of them I would check her phone and find that particular persons texts erased when others who i knew texted her were still there (kids etc). When I finally decided I had enough and talked to her about it the core response was it was nothing and she had erased the texts because he had mentioned that he thought Scarlett Johanson was sexy and she didn't want our daughter to see that since she often uses my wife's phone.


Your gut is the animal instinct in you warning you something is wrong. You were right to listen to it enough to inspect the situation. You shouldn't have confronted her so soon, but what's done is done. Your wife is probably cheating on you. She's not just hiding texts from your daughter, she's hiding them from you, and she's doing it for a reason.




bremik said:


> the day before when they had been together all day for a work related trip they still texted all the way driving home from work. I tried to discuss this through the weekend with some success- we are talking- but I don't feel I am getting answers as to why the texts were erased and why so much.


You let her go on a trip somewhere with him? Alone?! Please at least tell me your *gut feeling* was *"bad idea"*. Read Weightlifter's Standard Evidence Thread.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

if she knows this is hurting you & is still doing it, Either she's got something going on with him or she just don't care how it makes you feel. Either way she's putting him above you & her marriage.


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Well it is time you did a recovery of those texts without telling her, so you can see just what you are dealing with.


Don't bring her here just yet.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It will go physical if it isn't stopped ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wife, I will be unable to continue in this marriage if the communication with that guy continues. Be prepared to back that up.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

bremik said:


> ...she would get home from the drive from work.


First shut up. Then buy two VARs and put one of them under her car seat. Then swap them over time. 

Look here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> It will go physical if it isn't stopped ASAP.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Note his reference to a "work related trip".

Might already be too late.

Talking to her has done no good. Obviously she in not going to be truthful. Unfortunately, she is following the standard script for cheaters. Time to stop talking and investigate.

VAR the car. She probably talks to him all the way on her drive home.

There are ways to recover deleted text messages. Look at the evidence gathering thread that others have pointed out.

Good luck.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Why not be a really nice guy? I mean this is all innocent according to your wife, right? Now that I have gone through a coworker/workplace affair I can tell you finding evidence is slim. They work together all day, how do you monitor that? So be a real nice guy, in fact so nice you surprise her. 

Pick a day and take off work, go to her work and insist that she and POS coworker come to lunch with you. Look at your wife all lovingly and say if either of you refuse to go I will expose your affair right here, right now. Go to lunch and tell the POS coworker you are going to his wife and family after lunch. Tell him you have the evidence of all the contact. 

Then tell him her phone should never alert from his phone again. If it does you will have him arrested for harassment. Ask him if he understands, ask your wife the same. Tell her she may want to come home early tonight so she has time to pack. Then stand up and ask if your wife would like a ride back to work. Leave him there, if your wife doesn't leave with you, you have every answer you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> It will go physical if it isn't stopped ASAP.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


With the recent wrk related trip and the length this has been going, it is probably already a PA.

Why do you think she strategically deletes his texts? If she had nothing to hide, she would hide nothing.

You are being lied to and you realize it.

Recover the messages, use a key logger is she uses a home pc and get a couple of VARs. all of this is relatively cheap and you will have solid evidence very quickly.

My guess is that it is already a PA. If the texting has suddenly stopped, maybe she broke up with her new boyfriend.

Either way, even if there is nothing going on- in which case she wouldn't need to dlete all of his messages, she has no respect for you or your marriage. Is this how you want to live? Is this the example you want to set for your kids?


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You have little control over the actions of others but you certainly can control your own. Why are you allowing some co-worker to text your W? People will not alter course when not met with resistance but when an obstacle is placed in their path they will have to choose another path. Why are you not at least offering some resistance to this OM? I know it is difficult to convince yourself that the woman you love no longer loves you but at some point you simply will not be able to refute the evidence any longer. She is at least in an EA and it would be surprising if it was not PA. Are you familiar with the phrase "nice guys finish last"? It is especially true when it comes to WWs.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

bremik said:


> My plan is to post this text and hope to get comments and have my wife read this. Unfortunately because of my wife's past with poor boundaries with the opposite sex I feel the need to be guarded with her. I admit I probably have insecurities but when my gut says I should be checking and I find things not right I guess I feel justified. Recently I became aware of my wife's excessive texting with a male coworker- everyday usually starting about 9 ish and usually going at least until 6 30 or 7 pm which is when she would get home from the drive from work. Plus plenty of 8, 9 , 10 pm texts during the week as well as weekend texts and Friday night texts. During the week the texts are usually in the teens to 20's in volume from a day to day basis. Weekends vary but more like 4-6 a day. When I first became aware of them I would check her phone and find that particular persons texts erased when others who i knew texted her were still there (kids etc). When I finally decided I had enough and talked to her about it the core response was it was nothing and she had erased the texts because he had mentioned that he thought Scarlett Johanson was sexy and she didn't want our daughter to see that since she often uses my wife's phone. Which doesn't explain the rest of the texts she erased and in my mind why were they discussing who he thought was sexy? Plus she knew on a Wednesday I was extremely unhappy with her about something and all I would tell her was she had been deceitful with me but didn't say about what and she claimed to have no idea. The next day (Thursday) after 45-60 days of this excessive texting there was not a single text exchange between them all day or on drive home from work- my conclusion was she talked to him - she says they were really busy and had no time to text. Yet the day before when they had been together all day for a work related trip they still texted all the way driving home from work. I tried to discuss this through the weekend with some success- we are talking- but I don't feel I am getting answers as to why the texts were erased and why so much. We discussed that after work hours and weekends should be off limits and I thought we agreed. He texted her Friday night 7 30 ish and I asked to have the text forwarded to me- the history says it was 2 texts from him but she sent one to me and didn't respond to him. The text was joking about the high school football game across the road from him. We discussed some Sunday that I didn't feel we have resolved anything yet and my questions weren't really answered. She responded that it seemed that I just wasn't getting the answers I thought I would hear. Then at 4 30 that afternoon she exchanged texts with him again- him 2 her 1. Doesn't seem I got anywhere because I sure would think she could have refrained from texting at least that weekend but apparently not. So what does everyone think?


Im so sorry but this is by far the easiest EA to see to anyone and I really hope its not gone to PA BUT wiith the trip 
you mentioned it looks likely

Please..Please...Please, read weightlifters post someone provided a link above and *start action now*

Forget about talking to her at this stage and *keep quite* about it for a few days until you get to see if you are actually facing a PA


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Why not be a really nice guy? I mean this is all innocent according to your wife, right? Now that I have gone through a coworker/workplace affair I can tell you finding evidence is slim. They work together all day, how do you monitor that? So be a real nice guy, in fact so nice you surprise her.
> 
> Pick a day and take off work, go to her work and insist that she and POS coworker come to lunch with you. Look at your wife all lovingly and say if either of you refuse to go I will expose your affair right here, right now. Go to lunch and tell the POS coworker you are going to his wife and family after lunch. Tell him you have the evidence of all the contact.
> 
> ...


Heck yeah, That sounds like a good plan. haha


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

bremik said:


> Recently I became aware of my wife's excessive texting with a male coworker- everyday usually starting about 9 ish and usually going at least until 6 30 or 7 pm which is when she would get home from the drive from work. Plus plenty of 8, 9 , 10 pm texts during the week as well as weekend texts and Friday night texts. During the week the texts are usually in the teens to 20's in volume from a day to day basis. Weekends vary but more like 4-6 a day. When I first became aware of them I would check her phone and find that particular persons texts erased when others who i knew texted her were still there (kids etc).


 Google "Emotional Affair" and you will see that your wife is in one. It is a text book case. Being in an emotional affair is cheating, no if ands or buts about it. Get the book "Not Just Friends" to understand what is going on better. You need to demand that she end her emotional affair right now.


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

quite the responses I must say! Some responses to comments- There have been NO phone calls at least from her phone to this guy and if she were to have another phone then I doubt she would have done all the texting to him from the one I can track.- I track using the bill pay usage info from the cell ph company. The trip together was a day trip during normal work hours and she was actually home early because of when they got done- yes I know there is opportunity there. I actually told my wife if anyone else were to here my story they would call me stupid because it seems pretty cut and dry for not being in my favor. I plan on recovering her erased texts and see where that leads me. Everything on here I discussed with her from how things weren't adding up and even if she erased something to keep our daughter from seeing it then she shouldn't have been writing it in the first place. I also told her I don't want to have to worry about this anymore and if she needs to move on then do it. Even proposed the idea that she must be unhappy but was too chicken to leave so this was how she was dealing with it - have the cake and frosting to type deal. I just don't want to have to worry about this anymore - if she isn't doing anything then stop being so stupid and if she is then cut the cord and move on. I know it seems stupid that I give her some type of benefit of the doubt and I have no answer for that but I would like to see the deleted texts to decide my next move. Luckily this site gave me the info I needed!


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Kudos to you for realizing the danger here and taking steps to deal with the problem.

So many other posters prefer to ignore it and hope it goes away. I really hope your wife is still invested in your marriage and the two of you find a solutions to this.

Just be aware that some times a cheating spouse will offer anything you require or request to calm you down and then find other means to communicate with her affair partner. From the number and frequency of the texts, it appears your wife is "addicted" and like all addicts, she will find it difficult to stop no matter what she tells you or promises you.

Did your wife offer any comments to what you told her?

Let us know what happens.


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

No satisfactory comments from her. When asked what were in the erased texts she can't remember except for the one she says she erased for our daughter. The day before I started this talk to her they had been texting basically all day and she erased it but she doesn't remember what was in it?? She didn't think there was a problem until I brought it up. She can't explain - to my satisfaction- how they have been texting endlessly for 2 months but when I imply she has been deceitful to me they suddenly don't text at all the next day before she supposedly knew what I was talking about- I was trying to get her to admit what was going on before revealing what I know. In fact she said she was quite happy with us and thought things were going well. She realized maybe it did look bad. BUT she still responded to a text he sent on Sunday!- kinda thought our talk would have been fresh in her mind?! We did go on a date Saturday night. We have been married 23 years.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

bremik said:


> she still responded to a text he sent on Sunday!- kinda thought our talk would have been fresh in her mind?! .


You still have the problem

Hopefully the texts you recover will give you enough to tell her to leave her job yesterday or prepare for a singles life


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bremik...given the situation, let's suppose that the content of the texts are completely innocent, are you still going to be ok with her texting this guy? Is there anything they could contain, or not contain that would make you feel ok with the contact? If you just want her to stop, don't waste time trying to evidence gather or any of that. Just tell her you are not ok with any contact, it needs to stop, and any further contact, you will file for divorce. And be ready to file when she contacts him again.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

bremik said:


> No satisfactory comments from her. When asked what were in the erased texts she can't remember except for the one she says she erased for our daughter. The day before I started this talk to her they had been texting basically all day and she erased it but she doesn't remember what was in it?? She didn't think there was a problem until I brought it up. She can't explain - to my satisfaction- how they have been texting endlessly for 2 months but when I imply she has been deceitful to me they suddenly don't text at all the next day before she supposedly knew what I was talking about- I was trying to get her to admit what was going on before revealing what I know. *In fact she said she was quite happy with us and thought things were going well.* She realized maybe it did look bad. BUT she still responded to a text he sent on Sunday!- kinda thought our talk would have been fresh in her mind?! We did go on a date Saturday night. We have been married 23 years.


Yeah - she is happy to keep you in the dark and at home for the support with finances and kids while keeping it going with him for fun and excitement outside the marriage.

Looking worse and worse for you.

Stop talking to her, it does no good as you can see. She only cut back slightly for one day then cranked it back up again.

Get those deleted texts.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Is this a**hat married?


----------



## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

I saw your threads from 2009...

Besides the standard evidence gathering mentioned already, get DNA paternity tests for your kids (three? More now?)


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

bremik said:


> quite the responses I must say! Some responses to comments- There have been NO phone calls at least from her phone to this guy and if she were to have another phone then I doubt she would have done all the texting to him from the one I can track.- I track using the bill pay usage info from the cell ph company. The trip together was a day trip during normal work hours and she was actually home early because of when they got done- yes I know there is opportunity there. *I actually told my wife if anyone else were to here my story they would call me stupid because it seems pretty cut and dry for not being in my favor.* You are not stupid. Your gut is speaking truth. I plan on recovering her erased texts and see where that leads me. Everything on here I discussed with her from how things weren't adding up and even if she erased something to keep our daughter from seeing it *then she shouldn't have been writing it in the first place.* Agreed. I also told her I don't want to have to worry about this anymore and if she needs to move on then do it. Even proposed the idea that she must be unhappy but was too chicken to leave so this was how she was dealing with it - have the cake and frosting to type deal. I just don't want to have to worry about this anymore - if she isn't doing anything then stop being so stupid and if she is then cut the cord and move on. I know it seems stupid that I give her some type of benefit of the doubt and I have no answer for that but I would like to see the deleted texts to decide my next move. Luckily this site gave me the info I needed!



Your W is up to no good. It is that simple.


----------



## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Put a spy app on her phone. It will store all of her texts on their website. You can access it from any computer. She is cheating most likely. Erasing the texts is a big red flag. That is standard cheating behavior. You need to blow this up in a drastic fashion.


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

bremik said:


> My plan is to post this text and hope to get comments and have my wife read this. Unfortunately because of my wife's past with poor boundaries with the opposite sex I feel the need to be guarded with her. I admit I probably have insecurities but when my gut says I should be checking and I find things not right I guess I feel justified. Recently I became aware of my wife's excessive texting with a male coworker- everyday usually starting about 9 ish and usually going at least until 6 30 or 7 pm which is when she would get home from the drive from work. Plus plenty of 8, 9 , 10 pm texts during the week as well as weekend texts and Friday night texts. During the week the texts are usually in the teens to 20's in volume from a day to day basis. Weekends vary but more like 4-6 a day. When I first became aware of them I would check her phone and find that particular persons texts erased when others who i knew texted her were still there (kids etc). When I finally decided I had enough and talked to her about it the core response was it was nothing and she had erased the texts because he had mentioned that he thought Scarlett Johanson was sexy and she didn't want our daughter to see that since she often uses my wife's phone. Which doesn't explain the rest of the texts she erased and in my mind why were they discussing who he thought was sexy? Plus she knew on a Wednesday I was extremely unhappy with her about something and all I would tell her was she had been deceitful with me but didn't say about what and she claimed to have no idea. The next day (Thursday) after 45-60 days of this excessive texting there was not a single text exchange between them all day or on drive home from work- my conclusion was she talked to him - she says they were really busy and had no time to text. Yet the day before when they had been together all day for a work related trip they still texted all the way driving home from work. I tried to discuss this through the weekend with some success- we are talking- but I don't feel I am getting answers as to why the texts were erased and why so much. We discussed that after work hours and weekends should be off limits and I thought we agreed. He texted her Friday night 7 30 ish and I asked to have the text forwarded to me- the history says it was 2 texts from him but she sent one to me and didn't respond to him. The text was joking about the high school football game across the road from him. We discussed some Sunday that I didn't feel we have resolved anything yet and my questions weren't really answered. She responded that it seemed that I just wasn't getting the answers I thought I would hear. Then at 4 30 that afternoon she exchanged texts with him again- him 2 her 1. Doesn't seem I got anywhere because I sure would think she could have refrained from texting at least that weekend but apparently not. So what does everyone think?


bremilk,

What do we think? We think you are a wussy.

After reading this and your other two threads, it's pretty clear that your wife has been disrespecting you for many years and probably cheating on you much of that time.

So, the real question is, why have you not done anything about it? Are your really in doubt as to what she is up to or are you just afraid to take action?

As long as you allow her to get away with what she's doing, you can't expect things to change.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

bremik said:


> When I first became aware of them I would check her phone and find that particular persons texts erased when others who i knew texted her were still there (kids etc)
> 
> ....we are talking- but I don't feel I am getting answers as to why the texts were erased and why so much.



Yes, this is an inappropriate relationship. By itself, it is a case of poor boundaries. Coupled with your old thread (the partying references below), it is concerning. Yet even still, those separate individual episodes were many years apart (it was history already in his 2009 thread). She likes attention from men. There is no doubt. And that needs to be worked on a lot harder after this current episode. So minimum, you guys have work to do.

But how much does she like to be around men? Flirt with them? Party with them? Communicate inappropriately with them? Are incidences like these indeed this rare, or are there other instances where she may have partied a lot? Does she go to a lot of corporate events that require her to entertain clients? Does she go out with friends past 1AM? (NOTHING good is going on after 1AM).

You may want to let it die down a little and spy ("sorry Hunny-Bunny, I was just feeling a little vulnerable..."). Keyloggers. Look into old text records, if you can. Var in car/purse. Standard stuff. Just old billing records will tell you a lot. Are there other numbers you never knew about? Check her Facebook. I think you'll find out a lot.

Two separate instances many years apart. What went on in between?


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would still go the var route in addition to recovering the deleted texts. There may be conversations in her car you need to hear and not necessarily with him.

Is he married?


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here especially after 23 years of marriage. 

I read your other posts and man you are in troble.

Your wife is cheating on you AGAIN. Is this the same Jay and Dave or the co-worker they wanted her to check out???

Damn she was partying with them,talking with them about sex especially anal sex. Staying late a lot of nights and she is STILL workinh with them 

About your curent situation-it is even worse. Why? Because she kept lying to you over and over again.

Sorry my friend but Divorce her. I dont know why you are wasting your years and years on this woman


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bremik said:


> My plan is to post this text and hope to get comments and have my wife read this. Unfortunately because of my wife's past with poor boundaries with the opposite sex I feel the need to be guarded with her. I admit I probably have insecurities but when my gut says I should be checking and I find things not right I guess I feel justified. Recently I became aware of my wife's excessive texting with a male coworker- everyday usually starting about 9 ish and usually going at least until 6 30 or 7 pm which is when she would get home from the drive from work. Plus plenty of 8, 9 , 10 pm texts during the week as well as weekend texts and Friday night texts. During the week the texts are usually in the teens to 20's in volume from a day to day basis. Weekends vary but more like 4-6 a day. When I first became aware of them I would check her phone and find that particular persons texts erased when others who i knew texted her were still there (kids etc). When I finally decided I had enough and talked to her about it the core response was it was nothing and she had erased the texts because he had mentioned that he thought Scarlett Johanson was sexy and she didn't want our daughter to see that since she often uses my wife's phone. Which doesn't explain the rest of the texts she erased and in my mind why were they discussing who he thought was sexy? Plus she knew on a Wednesday I was extremely unhappy with her about something and all I would tell her was she had been deceitful with me but didn't say about what and she claimed to have no idea. The next day (Thursday) after 45-60 days of this excessive texting there was not a single text exchange between them all day or on drive home from work- my conclusion was she talked to him - she says they were really busy and had no time to text. Yet the day before when they had been together all day for a work related trip they still texted all the way driving home from work. I tried to discuss this through the weekend with some success- we are talking- but I don't feel I am getting answers as to why the texts were erased and why so much. We discussed that after work hours and weekends should be off limits and I thought we agreed. He texted her Friday night 7 30 ish and I asked to have the text forwarded to me- the history says it was 2 texts from him but she sent one to me and didn't respond to him. The text was joking about the high school football game across the road from him. We discussed some Sunday that I didn't feel we have resolved anything yet and my questions weren't really answered. She responded that it seemed that I just wasn't getting the answers I thought I would hear. Then at 4 30 that afternoon she exchanged texts with him again- him 2 her 1. Doesn't seem I got anywhere because I sure would think she could have refrained from texting at least that weekend but apparently not. So what does everyone think?


1. You need to curbstomp this. HARD.

Is this guy married?

2. What kind of phone does your wife use?

ETA: Just read your initial thread from back in 2009.

Dude.

Have you ever _seriously_ considered divorce?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bremik said:


> So what does everyone think?


I think your wife SUPPOSEDLY made vows to YOU, not to any guy who strikes her fancy. I think she's acting in a selfish, NON-loving way and she needs to decide if she wants to be married. If so, she needs to start acting with integrity and ditch all non-work-related contact with men WHO ARE NOT HER HUSBAND.

I think that when her friends and family find out what she's doing, they will NOT be pleased or understanding, and she will become the disappointment in the family, if she doesn't stop.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Use a deleted text recovery and you'll know what's up. There are red flags all over this!!!!!! Put a var in her car.

You'd better man up and figure this out or you'll be in the divorce forum quicker than you think.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I am still surprised that men this naive exist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I am still surprised that men this naive exist.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What I can't understand is that there are no boundaries in their marriage. People just go about their marriages with no firm boundaries in place and no inkling of what are acceptable behaviors in a marriage. 

OP, you need to ask your wife what would she do, if you were acting like her?


----------



## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I am still surprised that men this naive exist.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I second that. Unbelievable really. I hope this guy wakes up and shakes up her world to the core.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

brooklynAnn said:


> What I can't understand is that there are no boundaries in their marriage. People just go about their marriages with no firm boundaries in place and no inkling of what are acceptable behaviors in a marriage.
> 
> OP, you need to ask your wife what would she do, if you were acting like her?


I think she has boundaries. I picture OP on all fours wearing a leash that his wife is holding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Work place affairs are hard to get evidence on. Your wife does not love or respect you. To be honest, I'm pretty sure this is already PA. A man is not going to spend so much time on a girl if he's not hitting that.

Put are VAR in her car. Get software to recover the deleted text. Get her email, phone, and social media passwords. Also she may have a snap chat account that she installs and deletes. Now that she knows your getting suspicious , look for a burner phone. 

You need to work on yourself. You sound like a complete pushover. Get your T levels checked. I recommend you hit the gym HARD. To get your T levels up and improve your appearance. Also get your fashion, hair, hygiene, ETC on point. 

But to if what other have mentioned about your prior post are true, then I would just file. Cut your losses. It's better to be alone than to be with a serial cheater.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

bremik said:


> No satisfactory comments from her. When asked what were in the erased texts she can't remember except for the one she says she erased for our daughter. The day before I started this talk to her they had been texting basically all day and she erased it but she doesn't remember what was in it?? She didn't think there was a problem until I brought it up. She can't explain - to my satisfaction- how they have been texting endlessly for 2 months but when I imply she has been deceitful to me they suddenly don't text at all the next day before she supposedly knew what I was talking about- I was trying to get her to admit what was going on before revealing what I know. In fact she said she was quite happy with us and thought things were going well. She realized maybe it did look bad. BUT she still responded to a text he sent on Sunday!- kinda thought our talk would have been fresh in her mind?! We did go on a date Saturday night. We have been married 23 years.


OK. She's cheating. 

First question: is her affair partner (AP) married and if so do you know his wife's address? Why? So that you can talk to her about what her husband is doing. Don't tell your wife you want to do this because she'll warn her AP who will tell his wife about this crazy b***h who is bothering him.

Second question: How is your marriage? Is your sex life ok or has it changed lately? Why? Because many women find it difficult to have multiple partners.

A thing you should know. Your wife isn't ready to terminate her marriage. That means that the AP isn't freely available and probably has a wife and children. If she were ready to terminate, she'd have a lawyer.

So right now she's deep in the romance of a "true love" with all of its excitement and joy. But you are still her older brother or father or uncle who takes care of all of life's little problems like the mortgage and getting the car fixed. She's not going to dump her family for the AP just yet.

Advice: you know what is going on. Stop bugging her for admissions. She's not going to tell you anything which tells you everything. Expose the relationship to his wife (check his name on White Pages, google for it, I used my name and location and up it came complete with my wife's name.). You can use her name to find her phone number.

Also, consult a lawyer about your rights and how to protect you money and assets.

Good luck to you. I hope you can bring her back.

Edited to add that I was not aware of the OP's previous threads. Thus there is one more bit of advice I can give you. There are specialized forums for cuckolds. Some guys seem to get off on their wives' sleeping around. Take a look. You might enjoy joining.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I've read your 2009 posts. I find them shocking. The incident in the bar with mike, hpw could she not tell him and his dad to **** off, this is the only man I want!!! You need to understand that thar was not a test of your manhood, it was her test to pass or fail. The test of your manhood is today, now. Don't fail . 

You have lived in this pain since, what you were 21. She will never change. Just stop talking about it. Do the 180, and without talking about it plan to end the marriage. 

How often does your daughter use her mothers phone? What has she seen on it? Your kids, how are they copping with this?


----------



## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Frequent texting with an opposite sex friend is always, always, always flirting. No adult texts other than to share a laugh, confirm where you are meeting, talk about whose kids are at what house and when to pick up or how we are getting dinner. You cannot tell her what to do or not do. You can only decide what you will do.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> *Frequent texting with an opposite sex friend is always, always, always flirting.* No adult texts other than to share a laugh, confirm where you are meeting, talk about whose kids are at what house and when to pick up or how we are getting dinner. You cannot tell her what to do or not do. You can only decide what you will do.


 Thank you Harken Banks. Your statement that "Frequent texting with an opposite sex friend is always, always, always flirting" should be a sticky. I am amazed by how often this simple fact is lost on many betrayed spouses.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You're wife may love you very much indeed.

But what the hell does that matter if she can't stop treating you so shabbily?

Sunk cost analysis. Cut your losses, now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

TRy said:


> Harken Banks said:
> 
> 
> > *Frequent texting with an opposite sex friend is always, always, always flirting.* No adult texts other than to share a laugh, confirm where you are meeting, talk about whose kids are at what house and when to pick up or how we are getting dinner. You cannot tell her what to do or not do. You can only decide what you will do.
> ...



I agree 100 %. This is the point where you stand up and make it perfectly clear that you will not stand for it and prepare to separate.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
After reading your OP from 2009 the only advice I can offer is to try and find acceptance. This is an ongoing issue and is not likely to change in the foreseeable future so the only real option for you is to accept the situation so as to prevent the frustration and angst. The negative health effects of continually dealing with this issue cannot be good for you long term. So then, it would behoove you to find acceptance so as to negate the detrimental effects to your health both physical and mental.

I understand that you care for your wife and that you feel you cannot do better so acceptance is your only viable option. Perhaps allow yourself to think of your marriage as open on her side thereby allowing you to relinquish your expectations of monogamy. By accepting this, you can then apply more energy towards your children and the other areas of your life as opposed to using that energy to fret over her activities. These activities are beyond your control so it would be illogical to focus energy on trying to control them. I feel the sooner you can accept this the sooner you can find peace with the situation. I wish you good fortune.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In other words, you care more about being married than having a wife who wants only you. 

You're getting what you want.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

bremik, before you read any of her recovered texts, ask yourself "Where do I draw the line on D, or R?".

Make this decision while your head is still clear and not too emotional, in case you find out the worst.

If your decision is to D if she had sex with him at all, then go with it if you find out it has happened.

If you think that you can R if it did go PA, but it was 3, or 4 times, then go with it if you find out it has happened.

If your decision is to D if she had sex with him on a regular basis over the last few months, then go with it if you find out it has happened.

Because once you've read those text your emotions are going to sky rocket if you find that her relationship was far worse then you had imagined.

You can always put the D on hold, but make no mistake, if you back down after finding out they were close to going PA, or in a PA, you'll suffer for the rest of your marriage.

If your decision right now it I will D her if she did "X, Y, and/or Z", then go with it. Tell her you're filing for D. Expose the affair to family and friends. You may think that this is to harsh, or rash, but she hasn't responded to anything less up to this point.

If she doesn't come around, she was already too far gone. If she does come around, she'll now know that you will not tolerate her doing this anymore.

Also, I doubt very much that she ever stopped contacting the OM. She can see him at, or right after work, right? The fat lady has not sung on this yet. This isn't over yet...


----------



## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> It will go physical if it isn't stopped ASAP.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This. X10000. Put a stop to it now or walk away from her. Been there, done that.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/299457-husband-pays-phone-sex.html#post14051346


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Do whatever Gus says on phones. He even scares me. He is that good.

Standard evidence post is the top link of my signature. Stop torturing yourself and do the VAR already. You will know the stiry in less than a week.


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

Thanks for everyone's input. Will see what I come up with and get back!


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Do whatever Gus says on phones. He even scares me. He is that good.
> 
> Standard evidence post is the top link of my signature. Stop torturing yourself and do the VAR already. You will know the stiry in less than a week.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

bremik said:


> Thanks for everyone's input. Will see what I come up with and get back!


If it is going to be hard to have access to her phone for a few hours to get the deleted texts, Then she will have to let you do this with her knowing


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi bremik,

How much of a factor is the economics of divorce weigh on you? If you were a doctor, you would still be a doctor after divorce. But if your farm is at risk because a court will award her half, you might be force to stop farming. I understand why saving the marriage is so important to you. 

Please keep posting and don't disappear like in 2009. Resolve this as I would hate to see a post in 2021 from you.

Finally in 2009 you stated she was trying to just fit at work with these guys. This is known as sexual harassment. What is her companies policy regarding this. I am not saying to expose at her work - yet. Rather if it comes to it, it can be a very important chip to force a fair settlement.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

JohnA said:


> Hi bremik,
> 
> How much of a factor is the economics of divorce weigh on you? If you were a doctor, you would still be a doctor after divorce. But if your farm is at risk because a court will award her half, you might be force to stop farming. I understand why saving the marriage is so important to you.
> 
> ...


Wow just read your 2009 thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/4014-not-sure-where-i-stand.html
:surprise:Holy crap man.


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

Thanks JohnA. No actually the farm economics has no bearing on wanting to keep the marriage going. Actually if the farm were out of the picture we would be financially more secure and I would have time to go to the gym as suggested earlier rather than work 365 days a year. My indecision is based on I have NEVER found a smoking gun on anything. The posts in 09 were at a company that many of her college classmates worked at and the 2 losers talked about were some of them. So they were a problem in college and then. The one knew I thought he was trash and like typical alpha males his goal was to strut his stuff and I couldn't get my wife to understand he was using her trust and friendship to get to me. And yes I could have taken him out in caveman style but what good does that do? If she is the one creating a situation for idiots like that to take advantage of there will only be more to take his place and I have more important things to do then to go around proving how manly I am. So I have always felt that if you don't want rats quit baiting them. I have known my wife and her family all my life. Our dads went to college together and I have spent a lot of time with them before we ever became a couple and in fact brought another girl I was dating at the time to their place to introduce her. My wife's mother is a very insecure single child who regularly lied for her and her children's benefit tho not in a malicious way or in a way to hurt another person. She is a wonderful, kind person who is a great wife and mother but has decided to get through life presenting things in a light better than they really are. My wife's dad can make the worst day seem ok with his attitude but part of the problem in how he does it is he ignores consequences. When the roof of your barn keeps getting torn away and you don't fix it eventually the whole barn will be gone but that doesn't phase him. He often bragged how long he could go without ever leaving the farm. They are church going , daily bible reading wonderful people that are naive to life but where also I happened to have some of the best memories of my life because it was so relaxing and enjoyable. I believe if a child is raised that way they become like my wife- wonderful people and very kind BUT very trusting, gullible and naive to life. And to top it off horrible at recognizing consequences to one's actions. As said I have never found a smoking gun. I have never found anything coming from her that would compliment what has come from those guys in the past. She gets herself in situations she shouldn't be in for sure but in all this time nothing has directly implicated her. That doesn't excuse her for not maturing at some point to recognize this but her parents are late 60's now and are no different then 30 years ago either. She left that company and went to company B in a similar role but no problems. Company C where she is now has eliminated the travel she did overnight and she is home every night and I know quite a few of the people she works with tho not the one she was texting but I have met him. Every time she is confronted including now and during the therapy we did in past she is extremely remorseful and emotional like she just wasn't thinking. In a small degree this is no different than all the guys that buddy up to a drunk girl- if the opportunity is presented there are those willing to take advantage. I am not excusing her and has been made clear to her I don't want to do this anymore. She is going to have to grow up and realize there are consequences to your actions no matter how innocent they may be and this is enough of a pattern that she has to take responsibility. When it is her and I life is grand. I am proud of our kids that range in age from freshman in HS to freshman in college as they adjust well to life's curves and feel the responsibility to work for what they get and they are not above anyone else. My wife is 50% of that. My wife and I's time together alone is always fun and always has been. The sex life is fabulous and frequent and always has been through all this and our marriage. So when everyone talks of all the changes I would notice the answer is no- none of that has changed. Yes it does matter what was on those current texts because my gut says the situation looks bad and that my wife is once again not thinking about the consequences to her actions. Any cheater either wants to completely hide what they are doing- partly out of shame I would think- or they become belligerent when challenged on their integrity because they think they have something better now so they don't need to tolerate the questions and those people do change their routines, looks etc because they don't care about you anymore. None of the quality of our personal time has changed and in fact seems to get better, she just seems horrible at boundaries and consequences of which her parents still have the same problem. I have always told people the only reason someone doesn't like my wife is because they are jealous. She is as bubbly and positive thinking as her dad and as wonderful of a woman as her mom but it sure looks like she got being naive and oblivious to consequences as well. At this point in her life if she was manipulative and hunting other men I sure would think she would be better at it. Again a reminder to everyone she never made a single call to this guy- just texts. I am well aware there is always opportunity. You can start the testosterone and manly quips if that helps you feel better but those are all the facts -how about constructive questions to really actually HELP get this figured out? She has read this tag and my point to her is this is what people think of what you are doing


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

bremik said:


> You can start the testosterone and manly quips if that helps you feel better but those are all the facts -how about constructive questions to really actually HELP get this figured out? She has read this tag and my point to her is this is what people think of what you are doing


I don't think most of the folks here are going to poke fun of you. The questions are usually meant out of concern. If someone asks about your T levels, it's because they genuinely think you should have them checked. Same with "manly quips".

I really think you made a mistake letting her see this; I tried to warn against it. Verifying if she is cheating or not will be much more difficult. 

Before showing her this thread, did you recover her deleted messages? Keylog her electronics? Many people here have offered constructive questions and advice, have you taken any of their recommended steps?

Also, please, please use paragraphs, it makes long posts so much easier to digest; if you could be so kind. I think it will help others be able to better understand your content and offer their own input.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*cough*

Taken from http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/4014-not-sure-where-i-stand.html ...



bremik said:


> I had a lot of problems with my wife and a friend of hers named Jay. While she was in college {we were married) she spent many nights staying out until 1 a.m. or later studying or partying with Jay and his friends. At one point she ended up supposedly on his couch drunk and spent the night with neither one of them calling me to tell me where she was. As time has gone on (14+ years) I've found out other things that went on with more partying that I never knew about.
> Currently she has taken a job with a company that Jay and another guy Dave work for in other states but my troubles have returned. I've come acrosss e-mails from Dave to my wife telling her how gorgeous she is and how much fun he has listening to her talk about sex all the time. When I confronted her about this she insisted that Dave didn't mean anything by this and everything was fine. She then went on a company triop showcasing their products for customers that lasted 4 days at which both Jay and Dave were at. My wife lied about staying out late (2-3 in the morning ) partying with them and often times didn't even talk to the kids at night. More recently I came across a voicemail from Dave and Jay asking my wife if she was "getting it on" with another co-worker and how lucky he was if she was and also how much they'd like to have anal sex with her. After leaving them a less than nice message and telling her that it's them or me I've decided I'm very tired and feel I can't trust her at all and I really don't know what to do. We dairy farm so when she's gone {5-6 nights/month) I have a lot to do with 70 cows and heifers and 3 kids. I feel betrayed and I feel that my wife only thinks of herself. Unfortunately I also love her very much and know I can't do better. I also know I can't do this again like in college and now with some of this new stuff I'm wondering how much more happened in college than I have yet to know. I need to do something but don't know what since I feek the pattern is back again. Any helpful ideas would be great.


How does the sand taste, @bremik?


----------



## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> *cough*
> 
> Taken from http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/4014-not-sure-where-i-stand.html ...
> 
> ...


WTF!:surprise: Oh hell no, you have got to be sh*ttin me!


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Well you said you NEVR found any smoke guns !!! Please go back and first read YOUR posts then read posts from others. You dont have to read mine.

Let me put it this way :

-you were working so hard and paying for her school and she was there with two guys,at their home,drinking,parying for YEARS

-then she was working with the same guys for YEARS and she was still going out with them,talking about sex (anal sex is in her core)

-after that the guys were bragging all around office and asking your wife to go with ANOTHER co-worker because he is "good"

-now all of sudden she is texting another male co-worker all days in front of your eyes,while she lie there in bad with you

-and to make things even worse you are DEFENDING your wife 



Please stop speaking about some gym and body muscles because it makes you immature. 

Start thinking like a grow man,married man and do something about your wife.

One more thing,you have to be mad first on yourself then your wife. You let her walk all over you but it is ok,she is back at home at night.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

bremik said:


> I had a lot of problems with my wife and a friend of hers named Jay. While she was in college {we were married) she spent many nights staying out until 1 a.m. or later studying or partying with Jay and his friends. At one point she ended up supposedly on his couch drunk and spent the night with neither one of them calling me to tell me where she was. As time has gone on (14+ years) I've found out other things that went on with more partying that I never knew about.
> Currently she has taken a job with a company that Jay and another guy Dave work for in other states but my troubles have returned. I've come acrosss e-mails from Dave to my wife telling her how gorgeous she is and how much fun he has listening to her talk about sex all the time. When I confronted her about this she insisted that Dave didn't mean anything by this and everything was fine. She then went on a company triop showcasing their products for customers that lasted 4 days at which both Jay and Dave were at. My wife lied about staying out late (2-3 in the morning ) partying with them and often times didn't even talk to the kids at night. More recently I came across a voicemail from Dave and Jay asking my wife if she was "getting it on" with another co-worker and how lucky he was if she was and also how much they'd like to have anal sex with her. After leaving them a less than nice message and telling her that it's them or me I've decided I'm very tired and feel I can't trust her at all and I really don't know what to do. We dairy farm so when she's gone {5-6 nights/month) I have a lot to do with 70 cows and heifers and 3 kids. I feel betrayed and I feel that my wife only thinks of herself. Unfortunately I also love her very much *and know I can't do better*. I also know I can't do this again like in college and now with some of this new stuff I'm wondering how much more happened in college than I have yet to know. I need to do something but don't know what since I feek the pattern is back again. Any helpful ideas would be great.


Ive just gone back and read what you posted a few years ago

What the heck.........................

You have been played for so long its horrible

If you want to do better go out to any bar
Put on a blindfold
Marry the first person you touch


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Wow just read your 2009 thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/4014-not-sure-where-i-stand.html
> :surprise:Holy crap man.


Holy crap is right!

Man have you ever been in the fog of denial if you think she hasn't been cheating with multiple men for years.

OP, 

The simple truth is this.....NO ONE on this forum can help you if you refuse to face the reality that your WW is a serial cheater AND then commit yourself to doing something about it.

Its your choice....either crawl back under that blanket of denial and nurse your frustration with a disloyal WW....

OR finally put your foot down and free yourself from this vampire....the steps on how to best do that IS something the veteran posters here on TAM can help you with.

But you have to choose to act.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"If you want to do better go out to any bar
Put on a blindfold
Marry the first person you touch"

lmao....it's almost guaranteed he couldn't do worse.

This whole situation is just....wow


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> Holy crap is right!
> 
> Man have you ever been in the fog of denial if you think she hasn't been cheating with multiple men for years.
> 
> ...


Listen...
Tell her she is going for a polygraph and WATCH her reaction.
Oye vey good luck.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Cant believe Bremik let his wife see this. You can guarantee he is almost definately stuffed now becuase she will know how to conceal her certain EA at the very least. This will fast become a PA if it hasn't already due to his Beta side and his lack of consquences towards her.

I hope it all turns out well for him. I really do


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the ENTIRETY of your problem:


> Unfortunately *I...know I can't do better*


Until you fix THAT, you will never have any sort of real happiness.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

I've said it before and I'll say it again ... "There are none so blind as those who will not see."


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

bremik said:


> None of the quality of our personal time has changed and in fact seems to get better, she just seems horrible at boundaries and consequences of which her parents still have the same problem. *I have always told people the only reason someone doesn't like my wife is because they are jealous. She is as bubbly and positive thinking as her dad and as wonderful of a woman as her mom* but it sure looks like she got being naive and oblivious to consequences as well.


Bremik,

A very common theme among BH's is putting our wives on a pedestal. I was guilty of that as well. Not so much with how I treated her, but how I thought about her. Hell, everybody seems to love my wife. Like yours, she has an outgoing, bubbly personality. She is always so proper, so mindful of manors; she was such a dedicated teacher. She is also religious, I'm not. She's an extrovert, I'm not. She's kind and friendly to everyone; me, not so much. I always felt that she had the moral high ground between us. There was no way in my mind I could fathom that she was capable of doing what she did after 23 years of marriage. 

Thus, I ignored two years worth of red flags. I allowed her to cross marital boundaries; constant gno's, having male friends - because I trusted her. Not unlike what you're doing. One of the lessons I've learned; is that it shouldn't have mattered whether I trusted her. I allowed her to disrespect me and our marriage in the process, even if she hadn't cheated. 

You may not have a smoking gun, but you have ample circumstantial evidence. And if by some small chance she hasn't had an EA/PA - it's just a matter of time, based on how you allow her to cross those boundaries. 

You need to put your foot down now, as I should have done 5 years ago. Just like I discovered, your wife is no saint.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
This is not intended to be sarcastic nor flippant. You have never found what you feel to be a smoking gun. Why would you need to find or even look for one? Nothing your wife has done has implicated her in your eyes and I believe nothing could.

So then, understanding that you are convinced that she is incapable of a "smoking gun" event why would you concern yourself so deeply over some texting that will ultimately prove to be inconsequential? By your own admission you have a good marriage/family, what is your objective in making an issue of this?

Usually we try to alter behavior that has/will produce(d) negative consequences but that cannot happen in this instance so why be so concerned? As I stated in my last post it would better serve you to accept things and focus your attention elsewhere. Wether or not your wife cheats is really not relevant so long as you are convinced she cannot.

Happiness is often illusive, you seem to have, for the most part, found it. Why let this texting issue spoil it especially since it does not matter?


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

Thanks badmemory, 


That was extremely helpful. I have felt guilt that because I wasn't fun to be around with our financial stress - I am the worrier of the two of us- I was pushing her away. I didn't drink but my stress manifested itself in being angry. I am determined to get the erased texts and I am not computer savvy so it takes me longer to figure these things out. I have read when we treat a spouse as a queen they come to expect it and feel as though they deserve it and have always wondered how that fits in this.

I also kind of have forgotten details of the past not so much in that it happened just details and how I felt at the time. In reading those posts it makes me feel tired again. Everyone keeps bringing it up - which is good- and has gave me more to think about all that. During that time the dairy industry was in the equivalent of a depression and we lost money daily the minute we walked outside so the stress was practically unbearable and this other stuff was going on as well in addition with some major issues with our herd.

I am going to look up more of your situation . Thanks


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The only way to move forward is to recover the deleted texts. What kind of phone does she have?

You should also demand she take and pass a polygraph test. There are just too many redflag flying. Some women are so nice they spread it around.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

bremik said:


> Thanks badmemory, I am going to look up more of your situation.


Feel free to; but it ain't pretty. 

And you're welcome. I'm glad you thought my input was helpful.


----------



## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

In my humble and limited experience you are being gas lighted. There should be one man, on a constant basis, who texts my wife. That would be me. The other seconds and thirds are her father, grandfather, brothers etc. Catch my drift. The erasing of texts is a tell tale, no brainer of a sign, intent to deceive you if ever being watched, scooped etc. It's a good chance it's PA by now. Shoe on other foot scenario, would she be ok with doing what she is. Nope not for a second. I say enough with the BS, stop all this nonsense and I mean now. You do a 180 on her and let her know what she will be missing. Threaten divorce if you jave, that's push come to shove approach. Keep coming here for help, the folks here have a lot of experience with this crap.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bremik, here's the bottom line. If you can't love yourself, value yourself...how can she?

Take a moment and just ponder...do you matter?

You do?

Then take a step to show that. 

Tell her you love her but you won't share her with other men. Tell her that you release her to go meet up with as many men as she wants - as a divorced woman. You'll go see the lawyer in the morning. But if she wants to stay married to you, you won't tolerate ONE MORE CONTACT with another man. Period. Her choice. And you WILL be monitoring as she has thrown out any valid sense of trust you ever had. Tell her that the moment you see her in contact with ANY man outside her or your family, you will go straight to the lawyer and start the proceedings.

Then walk away.

You don't have to have a discussion about it. You don't have to hear excuses. You don't have to negotiate (well, THIS guy, we're just friends...). No. NO discussion. Either accept my ONE requirement or I'm divorcing you. You're free to leave.

Can you do this?


----------



## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

bremik said:


> Thanks badmemory,
> 
> 
> That was extremely helpful. I have felt guilt that because I wasn't fun to be around with our financial stress - I am the worrier of the two of us- I was pushing her away. I didn't drink but my stress manifested itself in being angry. I am determined to get the erased texts and I am not computer savvy so it takes me longer to figure these things out. I have read when we treat a spouse as a queen they come to expect it and feel as though they deserve it and have always wondered how that fits in this.
> ...


I would like to tell you something OP.

You may have made mistakes and were not necessarily a perfect husband, but that does not give her the right to act the way she did. I was in a marriage, and I was not a perfect wife, and he was by no means a perfect husband (I never cheated, never had an EA, etc. but he did). Although he was never perfect and at times he drove me away, I did NOT disrespect him or our marriage. 

Please do not continue to blame yourself for how she has acted. She is a grown a$$ woman who knows between right and wrong, as do you. 

If you allow her to do this, and continue to be married to her, you are making a mistake.


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

She has an i-phone. I thought I could use my wall charger cord to connect to my computer but didn't work probably since I have a flip ph. I do have dr. fone loaded on my computer just have to get her phone connected.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bremik said:


> She has an i-phone. I thought I could use my wall charger cord to connect to my computer but didn't work probably since I have a flip ph. I do have dr. fone loaded on my computer just have to get her phone connected.


Uhhh... you gave your wife the link to this thread, correct?


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

Yes Gus she has read some of this


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bremik said:


> Yes Gus she has read some of this


OK, so maybe ix-nay all the alking-tay about ecovering-ray exts-tay.


----------



## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

I have to say that every now and then a thread like this one comes along where I can imagine from the replies, posters shaking their heads at the screen, laughing, producing deep sighs, throwing their arms in the air etc.

Why is it that for the majority a situation is so obvious, but OP can't seem to abandon his own narrative? When he can stomach six (probably more) years of his wife's behavior, it's more plausible to think that he likes the dynamics of his 'relationship'. 

Coming here doesn't solves a lot when OP (sub)consciously keeps looking at everything else than the thing that is most important. Still, I hope that OP succeeds in turning his life around by making proper decisions based on wisdom (from this site for instance) rather than from fear. I wish OP well and will follow his endeavors in this thread.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

turnera said:


> Tell her you love her but you won't share her with other men. Tell her that you release her to go meet up with as many men as she wants - as a divorced woman.


 :iagree:


turnera said:


> You don't have to have a discussion about it. You don't have to hear excuses. You don't have to negotiate (well, THIS guy, we're just friends...). No. NO discussion. Either accept my ONE requirement or I'm divorcing you. You're free to leave.


 :iagree:
@OP: turnera's comments above are spot on. You need to read them and think about what is being said. Then you need to act on this right now.


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Maybe his wife is answering our questions,because she/he kept defending her.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

bremik said:


> She has an i-phone. I thought I could use my wall charger cord to connect to my computer but didn't work probably since I have a flip ph. I do have dr. fone loaded on my computer just have to get her phone connected.


Wallmart or Best Buy.

I-phone / USB cord.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I have dealt with my husband talking to his ex girlfriend for 10 years. Won't talk to her in front of me, deletes texts, lock on phone, etc. I have cried, screamed, begged.....and in my less than shining moment punched a hole through a door over this. Nothing ever stopped.

Now, I am in the midst of a very painful, but amicable divorce. Since my husband text his ex, I took it upon myself to have total freedom with my texting as well. I have allowed friends to send me less than appropriate texts, without realizing the inappropriateness due to my own blindness and hurt. My indiscretions have only recently come to light in our talks about separating. I'm angry because he never confronted me about these issues, but I always confronted him and made clear what I wanted.

Now, my marriage is pretty much over. I guess what I'm saying is, continue confronting. Continue showing what you will and won't accept and make it known. If she then continues, only you can choose how you deal with it. I don't know that she's cheating - physically anyway. Sometimes people cheat emotionally. Maybe this man is (in her eyes) filling an emotional void that's real or that she perceives. If I were you, I'd focus less on the fact the she's texting, and get to the root of WHY she's texting. Maybe it can be fixed with a real, open, honest discussion. 

My husband recently told me the reason he's remained in contact with his ex is that I pushed him towards her by bringing up my insecurities about her often.


----------



## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Hey Turnera that was poetic. Should be a sticky. Couldn't have said that any better.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

His wife is on the thread.
Game over
She won.
I just hope that roughly 10% chance she isnt cheating is true.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Bremik, you've been played a fool consistently since 2009 and most likely before you even decided to marry this woman. She won't tell you anything but your sharing everything including the information/help you could've received from this forum. You neutered yourself and empowered her even more to counteract any type of advice that can help you take a stand for yourself. 

You either take a stand for something or fall for anything. (you've been falling the past 6+ years)


----------



## ivory (Oct 23, 2015)

bremik said:


> Yes Gus she has read some of this


(this is so embarrassing because I've been there, done that)

Okay plan B then. Leave. Just leave. No discussion other than the must do arrangements. Whatever gas-lighting lines she tries on you just keep replying... "I'm leaving. You know why. And I am absolutely positively not going to discuss it any further." 

...it's your only hope guy. The longer that you let this go on the more you will be kicking yourself in the a** later.


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

Thanks for the comments. Will have more information soon.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Bremik, you remind me of a poker player who doesn't know the rules. You came to TAM to get advice on how to deal with your cheating wife. You defend her, you excuse her, and to top it all you brought her here. As one poster had said, "you neutured yourself and game is over". You showed all your cards!

See a psychologist. You need to get your mind fixed!


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

I did the spotlight search on the phone and didn't find much. In fact, found mostly current texts tho did find a few emails from last year. I thought maybe I did something wrong in the search so I typed both my name and number separately and actually found less. I typed his phone number, name and different search words and that didn't seem to change what I found. 

I also activated her automatic backup to I-cloud and should be getting information today from teensafe sight. I had trouble hooking up to Dr. Fone so haven't gotten any results from that yet either.

Thanks


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Keep trying. Hopefully a tech savvy person will be along to help you.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> My indecision is based on I have NEVER found a smoking gun on anything.


Hunh? I must of read the wrong thread. The voicemail alone would be enough for me to divorce my wife.


> *My wife lied about staying out late (2-3 in the morning ) partying with them and often times didn't even talk to the kids at night. *More recently I came across a voicemail from Dave and Jay asking my wife *if she was "getting it on" with another co-worker and how lucky he was if she was and also how much they'd like to have anal sex with her.*


Nope, nope nope. If a man is this comfortable talking about sex with my wife, they've already done something inappropriate. Six years later and you find a guy talking about how sexy SJ is to your wife?



> He also at one point at a bar was "humping" my wife's leg while we were all sitting up at the bar.


I would've been arrested and she may have been handed divorce papers after I got out. I get people needing 100% proof. Sorry dude, you have a 100% to me.

You have _smoking guns_ shooting at the _red flags_ and lighting them on fire.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Wow, he is posting here what he is doing and telling his wife to read this thread. Is he in full panic mode? His actions make no sense.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Shaking head sadly. Disaster.

Yes I really hope Im wrong.


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

I am getting texts back through teen safe. A little confusing because they are jumbled up as far as text dates received and responses to texts received. I know dates of texting and for example lots of texting Oct 28 but doesn't show up on teen safe yet there were texts from 27th and 29th on there. 

There haven't been any incriminating texts at this point though I would say probably more friendly than they need to be. But I am not sure I have all the texts yet.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

bremik said:


> I am getting texts back through teen safe. A little confusing because they are jumbled up as far as text dates received and responses to texts received. I know dates of texting and for example lots of texting Oct 28 but doesn't show up on teen safe yet there were texts from 27th and 29th on there.
> 
> *There haven't been any incriminating texts at this point* though I would say probably more friendly than they need to be. But I am not sure I have all the texts yet.


Well, if you've shown your wife this thread, you're not going to find anything. If you've given her your "play book", the outcome of any investigating will be a big goose egg.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hey bremik have you read any of the reeponces here at all????????


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Your actions seem highly counterintuitive.


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

In response to the questions - no she isn't coming here to this site anymore. As I had originally said I just wanted her to see the initial response to my OP which really bothered her. As far as the texts, I have retrieved the deleted texts that go back to the summer or earlier and those were the texts I was referring to when I wrote that there wasn't anything bad found other than being too friendly.

I also wanted to make clear that my wife is with a completely other company than where she was in '09. Not that it changes anything but thought I should make that clear. Again I wanted to say the teen safe sight is an easy way to find what I need and thanks for the tip.


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

Sorry another quick point- I found the texts before my wife and I talked and it also would have been before she came to this site. The point would be nothing bad was found and she wouldn't have known I was looking yet


----------

