# What do I do



## country boy (Apr 19, 2010)

In need of any advice I can get. I will hit the high spots so as not to get to long.

Wife and I have been married 19 years yesterday. Less than 30 days ago I confirmed she was cheating with a friend of mine. This is the second time this has happened. She denies sex in both affairs and says they just talked and blames the affairs on me for not spending time with her instead of working. I have evidence to prove she was involved with both men physically. We do have children and no I have not been the best husband I could have been. When we first got married I would hang out with the guys to late and come home intoxicated. Since her first affair I have given up most of my friends to stay at home whenever I get time off. I work nearly 7 days per week 12 hours a day to furnish everything my family wants. We have it all 4 cars, ATV’s, pool, boats, nice house and lots of land because this is what she asked for. 

We have been trying to work things out but I just cannot get this last affair out of my head. I am ok as long as I am with her. When I leave for work the depression kicks in and I start going crazy. I get mad every time she calls me and tells me she is going somewhere. I think she is trying but I am so depressed about it she is blaming me know for not trying hard enough. I think one of the main issues I am having is she has not point blank asked me to forgive her for what she has done. She told me she was sorry when I first confronted her but that has been it. She is very free willed. When she gets it in her head that she is doing something there is no stopping her. She goes where ever she wants when she wants without me having any say in it. I think this is one reason I am having issues when I am away from her. I do not want her to ask me for permission on everything she does but I would like to know where she is at all the time. Is that too much to ask? Example: She calls and says she is going shopping in one town. I call and ask where she is at and she is in a town 100 miles from where she said she was going to be. I worry a lot about stupid stuff (car breaking down, carjacking) it is just my nature so this really bothers me. 

Here is the big deal. Last night she tells me if I cannot get over this she is going to leave. She says I am torturing her because when I get home from work I have worked myself up all day about this and not talking to her. I tell her to give me time and I will get better but she says I must stop being depressed now. Well I do not know where that switch is in my brain so I cannot just turn it off.

Please any help with this will be greatly appreciated.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
First of all I'm sorry you are going through this.
My advice would be to not worry so much about the affairs at this point, it's not right of course but I think you are better to re-build your relationship at this point, you said yourself you haven't been the best husband so be a better husband.......
Make her fall in love with you all over again......she won't even consider anyone else if she re-connects with you again....
Have a conversation with her, find out what she needs to feel good in the relationship....
Slowly you will see her respond to you in a positive loving way....
My husband had one foot out the door and he now is home and enjoying the best version of me.
Take one day at a time and don't expect to much from her at this point........
She sounds like she wants to work things out, if she feels good she won't want to go out, she will look forward to being home with you........
Marriage is where both of you are to blame not just her......work together to make it great again or make it the marriage you have always wanted with your wife.
That's what I'm doing and guess what it's working!!!


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

There are several things in your post that need some careful thought - starting with what RWB mentioned above: The fact that your wife is demanding that you drop the issue. This is, quite possibly the evidence of an ongoing affair - but I am not as certain as RWB, because of other things you wrote.

In particular:



> I work nearly 7 days per week 12 hours a day to furnish everything my family wants. We have it all 4 cars, ATV’s, pool, boats, nice house and lots of land because this is what she asked for


Her claim is that you are torturing her because you are gone all day dwelling on this - without her input. This is just an intuitive guess, but I would imagine that reason she may have been tempted to have an affair in the first place was because you _are gone pretty much most of the time._ What happens when you get home? Tired from all that work? 

At the very first, you "hung out with the guys to late and come home intoxicated.." - again, she was there without you. It's good that you've taken some steps, but there may be a lot more you need to do. 

Does your wife work?

An affair is the incorrect (and wrong) way to address problems in your marriage. It is nor a moral excuse. This is something that she needs to deal with - and take responsibility for. However, there are ways you can approach this that are harmful and ways that are not. I suggest you make sure that she feels safe to discuss it with you when you do ask questions: don't 'hit' back, don't respond out of anger, etc. Always be calm and loving. 

An affair is USUALLY evidence that there is something wrong on the home front. There are issues that need to be looked at in your marriage. One thing that many people do is ASSUME that they are doing what their spouse wants - because what they are doing seems to them to be the appropriate (logically or emotionally satisfying) thing to do. But most often there is something ELSE that their spouse desires even more. 

Hence - I see your wife's threat of divorce as her feeling trapped - that there is no way out of a bad situation. She may not even fully understand what is missing - just that _something_ is - and she sees no solution. She has had affairs - looking for _something._ 

If her need was financial, as you point out (all the work you do, all the stuff you own) then she would be finding guys that supplied even more. Is that the case? If not, then I recommend you investigate what is actually missing...

Yes, you will need to forgive her (which is not as hard as 'feeling' like you have afterward!) but at the same time, she needs to be open with you. 

Try working this out with her: let her know that you are having some difficulty understanding WHY she felt the need to go somewhere else when you do everything you can for her (ask calmly, NO emotional actions!!!) The answer she gives (which will probably be lashed out in anger) will still contain some truth that will allow you to proceed.

Let her know that you realize that it's a very hard topic to discuss (for both of you.) Ask her if it would be alright if you just asked two of three questions a day - and no more, and that you respectfully request that she answer them honestly. If she still reacts negatively to that, there are other things you can do.

Please keep us posted! There's a lot of help you can get here. And some really bad advice. All part of the package....


----------



## country boy (Apr 19, 2010)

RWB, thanks for the reply.
You are probably correct. She has told me that she does still have very strong feeling for OM but says they are feelings you would have for a best friend. Her relationship with this man has been going on for many years but only got physical over the past 6 months (I think). The OM has been a friend of mine and hers for over 20 years. She denies the physical side of the affair but has stated she would have got physical if I had let it keep going. I have proof she did have a physical affair with him. 

My issue is after her first affair (2004) we discussed the reasons and made commitments to change what caused it. Her main reason for the first affair was I was not around enough and did not talk to her. I changed my ways and made a big effort to get everything back on track. Her commitment was no more male friends and to tell me when she needed more attention. From this point I tried to include her in everything I did that would cause me to be away from her. She became my fishing partner whenever I get to go. She was included in everything I did away from work. Like I said before I do work a lot so the away times for me and her are few but they were always together. So for the past 6 years I have made every effort to be there for her. 

Her reasons for the second affair were they had a lot in common and they just got along real well. They kept the relationship in the open most of the time. They would go out to eat together. Ate lunch together on the days she worked. She would go to his house and help him on his computer. She would pick his groceries up when she was in town. I confronted her about the relationship on 4 occasions. Told her it did not look right and it was a direct violation of our agreement from first affair that is when she stated he was her best friend. This is when I started investigating deeper and found the physical side of the affair. When I confronted her about physical affair she said it was impossible because he had ED and could not get it up. 

I guess the hard part for me to swallow is I kept my side of the agreement from first affair to change and work on our relationship and she did not. This is the second set of commitments she has violated in our relationship. Now she wants me to commit to a third set and there is no guarantee she will maintain those either. At this point I trust her only when she is in my sight and believe half of what she says.


----------



## ozarksguy (Apr 3, 2010)

Having been in a similar situation can I ask what physical evidence you found that led you to believe the affair had gone physical. I've found questionable things but would like to know what smoking gun you discovered?





country boy said:


> RWB, thanks for the reply.
> You are probably correct. She has told me that she does still have very strong feeling for OM but says they are feelings you would have for a best friend. Her relationship with this man has been going on for many years but only got physical over the past 6 months (I think). The OM has been a friend of mine and hers for over 20 years. She denies the physical side of the affair but has stated she would have got physical if I had let it keep going. I have proof she did have a physical affair with him.
> 
> My issue is after her first affair (2004) we discussed the reasons and made commitments to change what caused it. Her main reason for the first affair was I was not around enough and did not talk to her. I changed my ways and made a big effort to get everything back on track. Her commitment was no more male friends and to tell me when she needed more attention. From this point I tried to include her in everything I did that would cause me to be away from her. She became my fishing partner whenever I get to go. She was included in everything I did away from work. Like I said before I do work a lot so the away times for me and her are few but they were always together. So for the past 6 years I have made every effort to be there for her.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> From this point I tried to include her in everything I did that would cause me to be away from her. She became my fishing partner whenever I get to go.


Does this include the '7 days a week, 12 hours a day spent working'? Or just days off and vacations...?


----------



## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

Only work 5 days per week, and make sure you are home within one hour of finishing work.

It could take up to a year for her to give up her sexual encounters with other men. Don't challenge her over them as her friendship with these guys has developed over a long time (and are important to her mental well-being).

You have to start treating her like you did when you were first courting, and don't expect her to fall deeply in love with you again overnight. It takes time for her to see that you prefer a family life to working 84 hours per week.

She told you why she needs sex with other men - you work 7 days a week. You give her opportunities to overcome her loneliness.

She has had a taste of adultery and she is addicted. Be patient with her, and she can slowly let go of her "other husbands" in her own time frame. It can be exciting for a lonely wife to get "extra attention from men who find her pretty and sexy and incredibly desirable". The men know that she is "easy pickings" and vulnerable to their flirting with you missing so much. Their frequent attention wears down her resolve to obey her wedding vows.

If you expect her to give up her lovers over night, you will end up with a broken marriage you can't fix. Divorce is a painful disappointment for all parties. 

Most of your marriage has been very good. Hang in there, and things can get better over time.


----------



## country boy (Apr 19, 2010)

Tanelorpete/Kelly

I was working this schedule when we meet 20 years ago. When I get off work every day I call home to see if anything is needed from town before I head home. I am home within 30 minutes of leaving work every day (25 mile drive) unless she needs something. When I get home she is not there most of the time. She only works two days per week (Thursday and Friday) at her own business. Yes I work a lot but I am home every night with her. My work day starts at 5:00 am and ends at around 4:30 to 5:00 pm so I am home at a decent hour to spend time with her and the kids. I go to bed around 11:00 pm. 

I did go to working 5 days per week from November 09 to January 10 to try and help the situation. October 09 is when I noticed her relationship with OM getting out of hand. I took the kids to the lake house nearly every weekend during this time. She was invited to go every time. She loves to fish. She would come down on Saturdays and spend the day but refused to stay one night over the three months. She absolutely refused to stay with us. She always had other plans (visiting girl friends). As for as sex we were still having it 3 to 5 time per week because she and I do have a big drive in this area. 

Ozarkguy--- I had several smoking guns. 
1.	The best was a test kit for sperm (Checkmate). The way I did this with as much as we have sex was I had to pull out every time we had sex. This was the hard part because for the test to be accurate and not be messed up by your stuff you must not do it inside her for at least 7 days. She likes games so I just made it a game of where she wanted it. I wound up over a two month period getting two positive tests from her Saturday night adventures. Now I will say this was hard to do and make sure you stick to the 7 day rule. I really did not need the test to know by looking at her underwear but I had to test it to confirm for my sake. 
2.	A very close MALE friend of hers for over 25 years confirmed dates and times she was with him. My wife had told him all the details of the affair and he admitted to knowing about it for several months. I had to get pretty ugly with the guy to get this information. I had done this guy a favor some years back and called him on it. Not the best way to get it but it worked. I confirmed his info with cell bill and key logger. 
3.	She was planning a hotel stay with him to a concert. Now this was out in the open and included my 13 year old daughter and one of my daughter’s friends. She told me she was only renting one hotel room for them all. I asked where the male friend was sleeping and she said she was getting a room with double beds and the girls were sleeping on the floor and her and male friend were using the two beds. She said it would be just like camping. When I checked the room reservation she had two rooms rented in her name. BTW she never got to make this trip because I confronted her with test and other info before she got to go.


----------



## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

You have to show you deserve to be her main squeeze, but at the moment you are a reluctant cuckold. She is not going to be able to give up other guys in the short term, but by building up your marriage, she could find that the other guys become "flickable" and "short-term" and you are the one she keeps coming home to.

If being a cuckold is too much for you, you will likely look for someone else to share your life with, and then end your marrriage.


----------



## country boy (Apr 19, 2010)

Update 

It has been a few months since my last post and things got a little better for a while but it has all fell apart in past few weeks. Everything was going great. We were spending more time together, talking more about her needs and my needs. Working on projects together and then it started downhill.
The one thing we did not or let’s say I did not make happen was we have not met with a marriage counselor yet. I asked her from the beginning back in March to find one and get us an appointment and she never did and I did not do it myself. So I will take the blame on that one. She kept saying there were none available in our small town or they were all booked up. 
Here is where I need advise at the moment. Last Friday afternoon she meets me at the lake after she got off work to fish and spend time just her and I with no kids. I had taken the day off along with the weekend to spend with her. We fish until dark, trailer the boat and talk with a friend of hers and mine at the ramp until about 9:00 pm. She drinks about 4 beers while we are talking and so do I. She heads home ahead of me (about 4 miles of dirt road). I get home she is nuking supper and she ask how much I love her. I tell her I love her to much because she gets everything she asks for. Then I make the mistake and ask her if I was the only one she ever truly loved. The answer I get floors me. She says, no you are not, I was in love with **** before I meet you but he did not want me. So in my dumb sarcastic way I say so you settled for me. I can be an *ss and verbally abusive when offended. This is when I told her she was the only person I ever truly loved. I just went to my chair to pout. 

Well that went over like a ton of lead sh*t. She exploded on me. I went to my chair and set down with my meal and she came and was verbally attacking me. I did my usual and tried to ignore her. After that she did something I never expected. She put both hands around my neck and began choking me until I could not breathe. When I struggled to free myself she climbed on top of me in the chair and it flipped back with her on my chest. I got free and tried leave in my truck with boat attached and she attacked my truck with an axe. When I finally got away and was going to drop my boat at front barn she rammed my truck with her Honda accord. After that I just pulled away and she chased me at a slow speed ramming my truck and trailer. I finally get to where I have cell signal and get 911 on phone she gets around me on the dirt road and blocks me. I tell her I have the sheriff on the way and she tries to leave but the car will not start because of the damage. She leaves walking back home. 
The law gets there and tells me it is assault with a car and I could have her put in jail. They tell me I could sign an order of confinement and have her sent to nut house. I can still do all of this because it is in the report. At this time all I could think about was the children and how this would affect them so I did not let them take her away.
I left and stayed with family that night but at 8:00 am next morning she is calling telling me she is sorry it was her taking her medication for bipolar disorder on the 4 beers that made her do it. She was not drunk. I have seen her drink way more and still function normally. She can out drink me. She has been violent before without drinking but not to this point. 
I agreed to come home if she promised to get a counselor set up for this week. She already sees a psychiatrist for the bipolar stuff once a month. I get home late Saturday afternoon and she is there all fine like nothing ever happened. She is 44. Could this be some kind of chemical imbalance at her age? She has set up a counselor for tomorrow.
I really do want to work this out but now I am afraid for my children (son 16 and daughter 14) and my safety. I had never seen that kind of rage in her before. Should I try to work this out with the marriage counselor or try and contact her psychiatrist and let them know what she did? There is no dought she needs help but what is the best way to get it for her? I do not want to see her locked up because of the kids but what else can I do. I cannot sleep with one eye open the rest of my life and I cannot afford another night of bumper cars. (Honda accord totaled, $6,000 damage to my truck, $1,200 damage to boat trailer) One thing I did learn on a lighter note is the Honda accord is not a tuff as the GMC Z-71.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She is now not only a serial cheater, but she is a danger to you and your family. Its one thing to allow her to cuckold you. It is something entirely different for her to attempt to run you down. You think that telling her "so you settled for me" in any way justifies her actions?

Personally If you don't respond legally to what she has done. I have real doubts about your parenting qualifications. What happens the next time? You think its fair to your children to let their mother physically assault their father. You should have left her after the second infidelity. You are confusing her "free spirit" with what she actually is a narcissistic sociopath. I will wager she has already justified her assault on you. 

What you should do is have her arrested (so it is documented) divorce her and get custody of the kids. You know full well that she will cheat again (no doubt). Now you have to worry about your physical health. Question, who will take care of you if she goes of the deep and stabs you in your sleep? Wake up and think about the kids.


----------



## country boy (Apr 19, 2010)

You are correct in what I should do but what keeps me trying to work things out is I love her and my children. I just cannot bring myself to make that decision because I know how much they love their mother. They would be devastated. She really is a good mother to them when everything is going right with her 95% of the time. 
I can try and live with what has happened in the past (cheating) as long as it never happens again. It’s the violence that I cannot take. I am not that type of person. If this was the first time I might be able to forgive but it is not. 
She has only said she was sorry about what happened this past weekend one time. She is more upset about what she did to her car than what she did to me. She has actually hidden her car on our property to keep anyone from seeing the damage she did to it. 
Now I won’t to help her but I am not sure how. Would it be ok to contact her physiatrist and let him know what is happening or is that against his code of ethics?
We meet with MC today for the first time. I am really nervous as to how she (wife) is going to react to me telling someone what she has done. She was real nervous last night I could tell about the meeting. She does not like me talking to anyone about our problems. I am afraid the only reason she set the meeting up is because I gave her an ultimatum of one week to get us into counseling or I was leaving with the children. 
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

she's a danger to you, your kids, and herself. she tried to choke you to death AND tried to kill you with the car.

you need to press charges and have her evaluated for mental problems.

your wife will try this again.

do not be in the same house with her. she is sick and dangerous.

and she cheats on you too?

run, forest, run!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

country boy said:


> Would it be ok to contact her physiatrist and let him know what is happening or is that against his code of ethics?


You absolutely should contact her psychiatrist!


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

She snapped. She's "been" a great parent - but its totally possible that she could snap in front of the kids. If she ever does HALF of what she did to you to any of your children, you will forever regret not having had her put in jail, or at least evaluated.

Call the police and have her taken off - jail or a mental institution - its just not worth the risk.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> She snapped. She's "been" a great parent - but its totally possible that she could snap in front of the kids. If she ever does HALF of what she did to you to any of your children, you will forever regret not having had her put in jail, or at least evaluated.
> 
> Call the police and have her taken off - jail or a mental institution - its just not worth the risk.


Although I personally believe that turning anyone over to government agents is a bad idea, I do think in your case that at the very least, you should get a restraining order to protect your kids - and then begin work on dealing with an abusive spouse.

Much as with dealing with infidelity, there are deliberate steps you can take to address the issue of abuse. It's up to you as to where you wish to go with this.

----------------
Now playing: Duke Ellington - Daybreak Express
via FoxyTunes


----------

