# Should I do it?



## What a fine mess

Long story, so bear with me….
My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.

All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.

As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.

A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.

I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.

Here’s the problem - 
The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.


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## ccpowerslave

Seems ok to me, especially if you can handle yourself in case the guy shows up at your door.

Then again, perhaps that anger is misplaced. After all it does take two to tango.

Since you swallowed this nonsense a long time ago why not just enjoy the rest of your life?


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## *Deidre*

Believe it or not, your wife knew what she was doing, too. That's a hard thing to accept, but it's true. He didn't force your wife to have sex with him for seven years. While, he may have been a narcissistic charming kind of guy, she was just as culpable for what she did. This is a common theme I've noticed with people who have been betrayed in their marriage, they want to put all the blame on their spouse's affair partner, but your wife wasn't innocent. She may have been easily seduced by this guy, but if you truly want to heal, you need to forgive your wife, and let this guy go. Seeking revenge on him, blowing up his life 20 years later or whatever, it won't change the fact that your wife lied to you for a long time, many years ago. I'm sorry this happened, but if you choose to remain in the marriage, work on things together, and let that guy go. Just my opinion.


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## GusPolinski

Hell yeah — call her and let her know.


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## GusPolinski

Hell yeah — call her and let her know.


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## ElwoodPDowd

What a fine mess said:


> It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
> I plan to also post this in ladies lounge for thei perspective.


Too far in the past, let it go.
You might want to DNA test the children.


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## Livvie

She also knew what she was doing. If she is a functioning autonomous adult with no mental disabilities (if she can make decisions on her own and doesn't have a legal guardian, etc.) she wasn't a puppet and you are trying hard to make her out to be a victim.


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## Tested_by_stress

7 years? I'd serve her divorce papers and I'd make the effort to inform the OBS in person.


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## HappilyMarried1

Yes, @What a fine mess I would, and I would tell your wife that you are going to and that if his wife questions or does not believe you that you expect her to back you on confirming everything. That is the least she should be willing to do. Best of luck!


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## Diana7

One big mistake was her not leaving her job. 6 more years of them working together was asking for trouble.
However when it was 31 years ago I wouldn't want to be responsible for devastating a family with children and probably grandchildren and for what? For revenge?
I just don't see the point.
You were all in your early 30's, now you are all in your 60's, I just can't see the point and who knows, his wife may know anyway like you do.
Not sure she will thank you for it after all his time. You told her before, she stayed with him. Like you they are still together 31 years later. Just leave it. It wont just be him who suffers, but all his family and what will that achieve?

How much do your family know?

You are making the mistake many cheated on men make and that is seeing your wife as the poor taken advantage of woman and he as the big bad wolf. It's rarely like that. If you see him as the only bad one in this then your anger at your wife is all directed at him which isn't helpful.


You are still together it seems, taking revenge isn't going to help you and you may regret it. Concentrate on your own life, leave others to them. If the affair was happening now then yes, but as it's so long ago, no.

Revenge rarely achieves anything good or helpful. It wont help you either. Unless you are the sort of person who doesn't mind hurting lots of people just to get back at one.


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## oldshirt

He obviously wasn't the only one leading a double life. 

She was an active, engaged, willing participant. She was not a puppet on a string. 

I'm kind of wondering why she has told you this after all these years. What was in it for her to disclose this?

Whether to tell his wife or not is really up to you. I would bet good money she already knows. I would bet even better money she knows of many other women as well. I'm not sure telling her will have any beneficial effect for anyone but if it makes you feel better I guess there is that.


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## Luckylucky

No.

Your anger should be directed at your wife and it’s her life you should now blow up.

Abusers have a way of making everyone else around them fight. Everyone else’s lives are blown up and theirs get to be just sweet and ok. Leave that poor man’s wife alone. Put the anger where it belongs and don’t hurt innocent people anymore. His wife made her own decisions, don’t bring her down.

Why would you run through fire for your wife again? To be her prince now at the expense of an elderly woman who went through the same as you? You don’t get to decide if she wants to stay or go, she’s already made her decisions. You’re 63 now, this is not befitting to a man your age.

You’re worried for your poor wife because her lover Got her diet pills? She slept with him for 7 years and got to lose weight with minimal effort. Stop believing she’s a victim.

Live a good life with the years you’ve got left. If you’ve got anger to deal with, direct it at the perpetrator. Your wife is the perpetrator. 

I am sorry for the pain and abuse you endured at the hands of your wife, I truly sympathise with the anger and pain you have felt and are still feeling. I hope someday you will be ok. I think you will.


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## DudeInProgress

1. Don’t you dare let her play the victim angle to mitigate/missdirect your anger and consequences. OM did not play her, she was all-in, willingly and enthusiastically.

She was not a victim and he was not a predator. That is BS so don’t let her go there, and don’t let your ego push you there either. Your wife was a full, willing and enthusiastic participant.

2. Yes, tell OM’s wife everything. Burn down his world.
But don’t let that distract you from the fact that your wife is the one you need to be focused on delivering consequences to. You should be far more concerned with burning down her world than his.


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## GusPolinski

oldshirt said:


> He obviously wasn't the only one leading a double life.
> 
> She was an active, engaged, willing participant. She was not a puppet on a string.
> 
> I'm kind of wondering why she has told you this after all these years. What was in it for her to disclose this?
> 
> Whether to tell his wife or not is really up to you. I would bet good money she already knows. I would bet even better money she knows of many other women as well. I'm not sure telling her will have any beneficial effect for anyone but if it makes you feel better I guess there is that.


She finally told him the truth (or at least more of it) because she already knew what he essentially told us above —

He’s not going to divorce her.


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## Noman

Some people just deserve a shallow grave, sadly that's a felony in most states.

I'd go scorched earth on the OM. The odds are it won't be a huge surprise to his wife or his children, he's probably got a history & they probably know about it.

And don't think of it as revenge, think of it as justice for yourself.

You got boned 30 years ago, there's nothing wrong with getting your own, although 30 years ago might have made more sense.

As for your wife, when she was calling herself the evil person in the affair, were those crocodile tears?

I assume you've been in _Trust, but verify_ mode for the last 30+ years. Have there been other affairs?


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## Harold Demure

Should you expose this?

YES, YES, YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES.

What he and your wife put you through was MENTAL ABUSE of the worse kind. You have had to carry the initial knowledge with you all those years and now that has been multiplied a thousand times over so her MENTAL ABUSE continues.

This isn't revenge, IT IS A CALLING TO ACCOUNT for their actions.

As for your wife, you have made it too comfortable for her. Cut her off financially and make her beg for every last crumb.

On the other hand, you could rug sweep it all, internally absorb the hurt and resentment and just wait for that big old heart attack that will leave the Merry Widow financially secure for the rest of her life.


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## Diana7

I can't believe that people think that devastating an innocent woman, children and almost certainly grandchildren is the right thing to do here.
Op please dont set their world on fire. Despite what others say, it is revenge pure and simple. It's not becoming of any decent person to do this.
This was a long time ago, please leave it and let others live their own lives. You concentrate on yours.

Not acting badly isn't rug sweeping, it's acknowledging what has been done but being the better person and acting with wisdom and decency.

Honestly, my ex did some terrible things. I could have made his life pure hell. It just wasn't in me, what would have been the point and would it have made me a better person? Would it have changed anything for the better? Hopefully you will choose the better way.


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## EleGirl

@What a fine mess

I merged your two threads into this one. It's better to have one thread for a topic. You'll get better input that way. Also, both men and women post in the two forums you posted in so you will get input from both here.


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## AGoodFlogging

I think you should perhaps focus on your own marriage and what this secret, kept for many years from you by your wife, really means for you and her. She still has somehow got you thinking that the OM is wholly responsible for her choices, which is why you want to direct your anger at him rather than the women that cheated on you for 7 years, lied and abused you about it and kept you in the dark for decades.

You need some counselling in my opinion.


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## SunCMars

Your golden years have been trashed by this update, this 'fresh news'.

Telling the other man's wife would be a different sort of revenge, it would be settling 'sores'.

Your sorely wounded heart needs to heal.


You will be digesting this rotten-news sandwich until you pass on into the next world.

Why should you be the only one who is torn and unsettled?

Tell the other man's wife, let that creep also feel the pain. Let his children know also.

Ruin his golden years.


One thing, while this was going on, your wife was not only was getting plowed by another man, she talked 'at' you with disdain, she talked 'down' to you, repeatedly.


The below are your words:

_*"She resorted to verbal abuse to get you to back off" *_(on your accusations, at the time)
*"She effed him for the orgasm's the man gave her!!!!" *(her words)


These two reasons would force me to take action.

There is no time limit on betrayal. No statute of limitation.
No Statue of of your Liberty taking.

I would leave her, high and dry-vagina in her retirement.

If you do not divorce her, you are telling her and the rest of us that you feel responsible for her actions.
That is so wrong.


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## GC1234

What a fine mess said:


> Long story, so bear with me….
> My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.
> 
> All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.
> 
> As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.
> 
> A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.
> 
> I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.
> 
> Here’s the problem -
> The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
> I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.


I think, if you're willing to make that phone call to this guy's wife, then you also should be just as willing to leave your wife right now. 

At this point, you called the wife years ago, she is aware of the affair, did she leave him? No. So, in that regard, I don't think it will make a difference. I understand you're angry, and you have every right to be. BUT, your wife lived a double life, just as the OM did. Gandhi had a great saying and I think it applies here...'be the change you wish to see in the world'. You've got to clean up your own house before you can clean up another's house.


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## VladDracul

What a fine mess said:


> As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.


Your old lady is a master manipulator and siren whose singing convinced you that you were crazy. And you bought into it all these years because you wanted her singing to be true. In the final analysis, she's responsible for her cheating; you are responsible for sticking your head in the sand. Your problem, and a problem most spouses make, are making accusations when, " some suspicious things happened during that time", hoping to trip up the cheater and/or cause them to reveal themselves. Most betrayed spouses, especially men, are easily hoodwinked by an experienced cheater who is well ahead of and usually smarter than their betrayed spouse. Your old lady knew your personality well and had already rehearsed her responses to your mince suspicions. Her technique successfully kept you at bay all those years while she was giving her lover the full monty. You were her base camp while she continued to climb Mount Pecker.
Now it sounds like you've convinced yourself, most likely with her help, that she was taken advantage of all those years rather than banging other guys because she liked the way it felt. Think about it my man. Its a little easier on your ego to think your old lady was putting out to get drugs.
I know the more you stir shyt the worse it stinks but have you considered what she may have been doing the guy after y'all moved. Don't be surprised if you discover this cat , "come a visiting" a time or two or she found another guy or two to entertain her. From what you describe, it hard to imagine this chick just went cold turkey when she moved away from regularly servicing this guy.
If it were me, I'd call his old lady; not simply to notify her that her old man continued tapping your wife, but to tell her I'm looking for a revenge affair and would she be interested in participating in paying these two back. With what you've learned folks tell you to go live your remaining live being happy is about like me telling you to go run that marathon now that your leg is amputated.


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## sideways

SEVEN YEARS!!

Interesting that your anger is directed at this other cat. He was NOT the one lying to you nor betraying you nor did he take vows with you. Nope. But your wife sure did. He did all the above to his wife.

SEVEN LONG YEARS for crying out loud.

Maybe you need to think about what the word love means to you?

Can you trust your wife? Based upon this info I would say how in the world would this be possible?

Does your wife respect you? She played you for a fool for SEVEN years!! In actuality she played you for a fool for FORTY YEARS!!

Does your wife have your back? SEVEN long years this went on so there's NO doubt she had unprotected sex with this guy putting your health at risk. So no she did NOT have your back.

Did your wife honor you? NO!
Did your wife forsake all others? NO!
Was your wife truthful with you? NO!
Did your wife protect you and your family? She played Russian roulette with your kids world. NO!

Did your wife do the one thing that all spouses should do for each other and that's to cherish and value your heart? NO!

Did your wife love you? NO!

I could go on and on but you get the picture. I guess the bigger question is what are you going to do about this? I'm not talking about what you're going to do with this other guy and his wife....I'm talking about FINALLY, after THIRTY-THREE YEARS, your wife finally tells you the truth.

You now know the truth.
What are you going to do???


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## Rus47

What a fine mess said:


> Long story, so bear with me….
> My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.
> 
> All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.
> 
> As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.
> 
> A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.
> 
> I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.
> 
> Here’s the problem -
> The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
> I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.


My personal advice would be to not dig up more problems from two decades ago. You are trying to figure out how it was your wife's BF at fault and not hers. She is the one who kept it going for years, gaslighting you all of the way. She is the one who lied to you for years. The BF was just accepting the gift she offered. Informing her BF's wife accomplishes nothing either His wife likely knew about it when it was going on, just like you found out. 

Even if you somehow got revenge, that just prompts a tit for tat with him, who knows where that ends or how bad it becomes. Deadly feuds have started over way less. And, your wife maybe gets upset with you for harming her old BF.

I don't know about her loving you, if she had she wouldnt have come clean 20 years after the fact but would have just kept lying to you like she has done your entire marriage. By telling all and apologizing, she takes all of her own guilt away and throws the unhappiness and sleepless nights back onto you.

At your ages, not sure how you overcome this. Feel sorry your entire married life has been a lie, but at this late date that is just another cross for you to bear. There are plenty of people in the same boat with a hole in it. Accept her apologies and live what is left of your life, as best you are able. No point in taking it out on your wife either, won't hurt anyone but you.

My advice is pretend nothing happened, act like you did before she came clean. DO NOT contact the boyfriend or anyone associated with him.


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## Kaliber

What a fine mess said:


> Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
> I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.


Why now? because you're feeling like a perfect chump for allowing her to work with her AP for all these years? You knew your wife and what she was capable of, and you allowed her to work with him after she got caught, they were probably laughing their heads off after having sex of how clueless and stupid you are!
She even easily confessed to you about the 7 long years affair because she knows she is married to weak doormat who doesn't stand up for himself, she doesn't even fear losing you because she knows your not going any where, and she is right!

You even convinced yourself that she was taken advantage of... PLEASE!



What a fine mess said:


> occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.


You didn't even act or do anything about your suspicions, no job change, no PI work.. and you allowed her to control the situation!
That's why weak men always get the bad deals!

Just forget about it, and continue living your life peacefully, no point acting like an Alpha male with dignity now... Or can you?!


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## sideways

Rus47 said:


> My personal advice would be to not dig up more problems from two decades ago. You are trying to figure out how it was your wife's BF at fault and not hers. She is the one who kept it going for years, gaslighting you all of the way. She is the one who lied to you for years. The BF was just accepting the gift she offered. Informing her BF's wife accomplishes nothing either His wife likely knew about it when it was going on, just like you found out.
> 
> Even if you somehow got revenge, that just prompts a tit for tat with him, who knows where that ends or how bad it becomes. Deadly feuds have started over way less. And, your wife maybe gets upset with you for harming her old BF.
> 
> I don't know about her loving you, if she had she wouldnt have come clean 20 years after the fact but would have just kept lying to you like she has done your entire marriage. By telling all and apologizing, she takes all of her own guilt away and throws the unhappiness and sleepless nights back onto you.
> 
> At your ages, not sure how you overcome this. Feel sorry your entire married life has been a lie, but at this late date that is just another cross for you to bear. There are plenty of people in the same boat with a hole in it. Accept her apologies and live what is left of your life, as best you are able. No point in taking it out on your wife either, won't hurt anyone but you.
> 
> My advice is pretend nothing happened, act like you did before she came clean. DO NOT contact the boyfriend or anyone associated with him.


"My advice is pretend nothing happened"??

So now you're advising that he lie to himself as well along with having to deal with FORTY years of lies from his wife?

Alright then. Nothing to see here. Move along.


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## BigDaddyNY

Sadly another case of a very weak man, or maybe one blinded by love. And another prime example that when an affair involves a coworker and you want it to end and reconcile, they MUST not work together anymore. One MUST quit.

@What a fine mess I wouldn't bother with trying to get revenge on the POSOM. You already called him out the first time, nothing to be gained by going back again. Odds are nothing would come from it anyway. And guess what, he probably found another AP once your wife broken it off with him. His wife probably know he is a cheater and stuck around for the money he was making. All my assumptions, but probably not that far off. You wife fully owns responsibility for her actions. You are just going through denial and trying to assign blame so you have an easier time staying with your wife. You have to decide if you want to push the betrayal and lack of love from your wife to the back of your mind and move on, or divorce.


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## In Absentia

I would actually divorce my wife after such a confession. What a terrible thing to do to you.


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## GusPolinski

Hmm… was there a thread merge? 🤔


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## Noman

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm… was there a thread merge? 🤔


 Yes, there was.

Admin posted about it somewhere up there ...../\


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## Divinely Favored

What a fine mess said:


> Long story, so bear with me….
> My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.
> 
> All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.
> 
> As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.
> 
> A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.
> 
> I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.
> 
> Here’s the problem -
> The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
> I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.


I would tell her.


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## Blondilocks

Tell the OBS; but, do NOT tell your wife ahead of time. You don't want her warning OM and blunting the shock when his wife goes ballistic on him. Why deprive her of her just due?

I think I would spend whatever years I have remaining doing exactly as I please with whomever I please.


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## OnTheRocks

Seven years - sounds like they had a full length long term relationship which fizzled out at the 7 year mark, like so many do. You were plan B. Has she shown any suspicious behavior in the last 20 years? People can change, but most don't.


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## jlg07

OnTheRocks said:


> Seven years - sounds like they had a full length long term relationship which fizzled out at the 7 year mark, like so many do. You were plan B. Has she shown any suspicious behavior in the last 20 years? People can change, but most don't.


From what I read it only fizzled because they moved.


What a fine mess said:


> She says she broke it off when we moved to another town


So, she would have kept doing it had they not moved.


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## Mr. Nail

Another wonderful long term (40 year) marriage story that actually lasted only 9 years. I wonder who my parents and grandparents were doing?


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## Always Learning

I really don't want to pile on more misery, but it's not like this was a drunken girls night out one night stand that you forgave her for. She actively deceived you and gaslighted you for *7 years. *Then she proceed to cover it for many years after. I know you just found this out and she was finally being honest (maybe). I have no idea why you want to bring this down on the other guys family and not on your wife. I mean come on it was for 7 years that she actively and intentionally lied to you, she cannot claim victim here.


----------



## bobsmith

That is harsh! I live by the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater".... I won't blame a guy for trying to make it work after, but I will never advocate for it. If you consider ending it, I'd recommend gathering solid audio/video proof and make a planned exit. 

No way anyone, man or woman, holds a 7yr relationship without some feelings. I would probably be in the camp to just let the other woman know, and leave it at that. I realize many don't agree but would you like to be left in the dark?


----------



## Evinrude58

Harold Demure said:


> Should you expose this?
> 
> YES, YES, YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES.
> 
> What he and your wife put you through was MENTAL ABUSE of the worse kind. You have had to carry the initial knowledge with you all those years and now that has been multiplied a thousand times over so her MENTAL ABUSE continues.
> 
> This isn't revenge, IT IS A CALLING TO ACCOUNT for their actions.
> 
> As for your wife, you have made it too comfortable for her. Cut her off financially and make her beg for every last crumb.
> 
> On the other hand, you could rug sweep it all, internally absorb the hurt and resentment and just wait for that big old heart attack that will leave the Merry Widow financially secure for the rest of her life.


Why? She’s just divorce him and get a huge reward for being a cheater.
Heck yes I’d tell his wife. But the thing is, your slutty wife is one of many and the other guys wife probably knew it all along and just stayed and enjoyed the lifestyle. Doubtful she even cares.


----------



## Harold Demure

Thing is Evinrude, she is already getting a huge reward for cheating and has been all her married life. She lives off her husband’s hard earned wealth without any consequences for her actions so what has he actually got to lose?
Like I said, if I was him I would turn that riches tap off and make her beg for every crumb. If she wanted to divorce, I would fight her every inch of the way, delay it as much as possible, make her pay high legal fees. Yes, I know it would cost me as well but I would want to put her through as much hell as she put me through.

But still, I know I am a vindictive b*stard!


----------



## fluffycoco

A dumped who$e become old . 

He probably even wouldn't want to take half second to look at her anymore, that was why she left ! And now she wants to use you to revenge the guy ?


----------



## Evinrude58

Harold Demure said:


> Thing is Evinrude, she is already getting a huge reward for cheating and has been all her married life. She lives off her husband’s hard earned wealth without any consequences for her actions so what has he actually got to lose?
> Like I said, if I was him I would turn that riches tap off and make her beg for every crumb. If she wanted to divorce, I would fight her every inch of the way, delay it as much as possible, make her pay high legal fees. Yes, I know it would cost me as well but I would want to put her through as much hell as she put me through.
> 
> But still, I know I am a vindictive b*stard!


I like the way you think


----------



## re16

To answer your question....I would absolutely blow up OM's world, like tomorrow.

More importantly, at the same time, I would blow up your wayward wife's world also. Your marriage was a sham.

She gave this OM so much of herself....all that admiration, fondness and love that should have been for you, went to him. I would be livid, especially thinking that she was defending herself while you rightfully accused her at the time.

Blameshifting, trickle truth, 1000s of outright lies, sloppy seconds, them mocking you and laughing would all roll around my head until I exploded...

I would take her through the gnarliest, knock down, dragout divorce I could, one that lasts about 7 years.


----------



## re16

Also, this is just another lesson about why you never take back a cheater....


----------



## Evinrude58

7 years, and casually fessed you when she geeks you are so old you’d say “screw it” and stay with her, after gaslighting you for years.

Id spend my remaining years plotting and setting in place my revenge. Starting with no money spent her way.


----------



## re16

Evinrude58 said:


> 7 years, and casually fessed you when she geeks you are so old you’d say “screw it” and stay with her, after gaslighting you for years.
> 
> Id spend my remaining years plotting and setting in place my revenge. Starting with no money spent her way.


Yea, at this point, it would be best served to be well thought-out and cold as ice. He's been long played, might be time to return the favor.

Unless of course, she is more calculating than we think, and this sudden truth bomb is intended to blow up the marriage... she takes the money, house, and has the new fling move in....


----------



## SunCMars

The long knives are coming out....


----------



## Noman

SunCMars said:


> The long knives are coming out....


Indeed.


----------



## Diana7

OP, I was talking to my husband about this earlier. 
His first wife of 23 years cheated on him.
He says no, don't do it, not after all this time. He said that if you do, you will be responsible for hurting his innocent wife and children and grandchildren. You will be responsible for the potential devastation it may cause. 

You are all in your 60's now, it is a long time ago. The affair ended 25 years ago. Let it go.


----------



## Marc878

What a fine mess said:


> Long story, so bear with me….
> My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.
> 
> *Nothing unusual here. Cheaters all lie a lot and you rugswept.*
> 
> As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.
> 
> *Your gut was telling you the truth but you rugswept and ignored it.*
> 
> A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.
> *Cheaters lie a lot. You know the tip of the iceberg only.*
> 
> I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.
> _*She loves you but was engaged in a long term affair? Her OM probably wouldn’t leave his wife so she stuck with her plan B. You.*_
> 
> Here’s the problem -
> The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
> I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.
> *Sorry man but he did get away with it at your expense. This is mainly your wife’s fault although he’s a big part of this. Your wife made vows and was married to you. Don’t be surprised to find out 7 years was a lie too. For all you know it could still be onboard. Cheaters lie a lot!!!!
> Now you’re making excuses. Your wife knew she was married didn’t she? Yet engaged in a long term affair even after you found out. DNA your kids.*


You’ve convinced yourself that you poor wife (muffin) was lost in the woods and was taken advantage of by the big bad wolf. Nope. You are a chump because you want to be. That way you don’t have to deal with the reality of who your wife really is.

*Again. DNA YOUR KIDS *


----------



## Marc878

Diana7 said:


> OP, I was talking to my husband about this earlier.
> His first wife of 23 years cheated on him.
> He says no, don't do it, not after all this time. He said that if you do, you will be responsible for hurting his innocent wife and children and grandchildren. You will be responsible for the potential devastation it may cause.
> 
> You are all in your 60's now, it is a long time ago. The affair ended 25 years ago. Let it go.


Just more ruqsweeping. How’d that work out before?


----------



## Diana7

Marc878 said:


> Just more ruqsweeping. How’d that work out before?


Its not rugsweeping at all. It's not wanting to hurt innocent people. 
This was when they were in their early 30's. His wife was told and she stayed. The OP seems to want to stay with his wife despite her being just as responsible. They are all now in their 60's. Nothing is to be gained by him telling his family. It would be a desire to get revenge pure and simple by hurting people who did nothing wrong. 
How anyone could have that on their conscience I have no idea.


----------



## Marc878

Diana7 said:


> Its not rugsweeping at all. It's not wanting to hurt innocent people.
> This was when they were in their early 30's. His wife was told and she stayed. The OP seems to want to stay with his wife despite her being just as responsible. They are all now in their 60's. Nothing is to be gained by him telling his family. It would be a desire to get revenge pure and simple by hurting people who did nothing wrong.
> How anyone could have that on their conscience I have no idea.


She lied for years so its not impossible that she’s still lying. I’d says it’s more like probable.


----------



## Diana7

Marc878 said:


> She lied for years so its not impossible that she’s still lying. I’d says it’s more like probable.


I believe they moved away which is why it stopped. 25 years ago.


----------



## gold5932

I would not tell the OMs wife. Wouldn't help you at all, it only hurts an innocent older person. It was 30 years ago. Now your wife is another matter. But I do know for sure, you don't need stress in your life when you are in your 60's, no matter what advice you hear on this site. If you can forgive, do it. If not, divorce her. But personally after all that time, I'd let it go. If your marriage is good. You knew about affair and you forgave her.


----------



## bobsmith

gold5932 said:


> I would not tell the OMs wife. Wouldn't help you at all, it only hurts an innocent older person. It was 30 years ago. Now your wife is another matter. But I do know for sure, you don't need stress in your life when you are in your 60's, no matter what advice you hear on this site. If you can forgive, do it. If not, divorce her. But personally after all that time, I'd let it go. If your marriage is good. You knew about affair and you forgave her.


BS!!! He forgave lies and more lies! Who cares if it was 50yrs ago! Other dude's wife may be living a complete sham/lie as well! Hell, they might be still getting it on to this day! Air it out! All I would ever need to hear in my entire life is "um, I might be sort of talking to this other guy".........SEE YA!!!!!!!! Love to live back in my wooley days where I thought humans were actually monogamous, but that is very rarely the case in reality so I guess if you even talk to the opposite sex, banging is gunna happen. \


----------



## NTA

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Too far in the past, let it go.
> You might want to DNA test the children.


And do what with the info?


----------



## gold5932

bobsmith said:


> BS!!! He forgave lies and more lies! Who cares if it was 50yrs ago! Other dude's wife may be living a complete sham/lie as well! Hell, they might be still getting it on to this day! Air it out! All I would ever need to hear in my entire life is "um, I might be sort of talking to this other guy".........SEE YA!!!!!!!! Love to live back in my wooley days where I thought humans were actually monogamous, but that is very rarely the case in reality so I guess if you even talk to the opposite sex, banging is gunna happen. \


That's you. I would of left her 30 years ago but now they've lived a happy marriage and they are 64. Good grief, I don't know how old you are but at 64 you tend to move on.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd

NTA said:


> And do what with the info?


Make a will accordingly.


----------



## Marc878

Diana7 said:


> I believe they moved away which is why it stopped. 25 years ago.


And he believed she stopped cheating on him but according to her it continued for 7 long years.
I think, I feel, I believe turned out to be BS.


----------



## jlg07

NTA said:


> And do what with the info?


He could sue the guy for past child support, no?


----------



## SunCMars

Diana7 said:


> OP, I was talking to my husband about this earlier.
> His first wife of 23 years cheated on him.
> He says no, don't do it, not after all this time. He said that if you do, you will be responsible for hurting his innocent wife and children and grandchildren. You will be responsible for the potential devastation it may cause.
> 
> You are all in your 60's now, it is a long time ago. The affair ended 25 years ago. Let it go.


You and your husband are good people, forgiving people.
Bless you...

God gives us some free will.
Free will, to do our bidding and free will to do His Works, HIS WILL.

If there is punishment to be meted out HE will sometimes use us to carry out this action.

I see the need to punish this POSOM.
Any hurt that arrives at his families doorstep....he invited in.

When you play with demons you (very often) pay the price.
This horrible man delivered a lifetime of pain to our OP.

Back-payment is long-overdue.

Cuts that are not properly attended to, never heal.

Expose the little medicine man.



_Nemesis-_


----------



## manowar

What a fine mess said:


> I felt like I was a *good husband*, lover* and father.* She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her.


your story is pretty clear cut. Unfortunately, you don't understand what really happened here. You are a Blue Pill guy who has been *socially conditioned* (your post reeks of it) to view women according to your clergyman's narrative and how society sets the narrative for female nature. You fulfilled 2/3 of the requirements.

What she wanted is a composite of the two men. The other guy for sex and you as her plow horse being sent out to work your azz off, a good husband and father too. Also her ability to control you easily. You were betaized early in your marriage, possibly even before.

read 1) the manipulated man by ester vilar and 2) Female Psychology for the practical man by joe south to better understand what the fk happened to you. both can be downloaded.



What a fine mess said:


> She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her.


Most likely sex and the way the OM was bringing it. was your sex mostly that romantic kind you see on tv? that's part of your social conditioning.



What a fine mess said:


> She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love.


Yep. See above. The relations with OM were probably 'just sex". the part about her being in love was her rationalizing her behavior.



What a fine mess said:


> I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life,


Well done. You fulfilled your role as a beta provider. You were trained for this role as a young man and accepted it - no questions asked. Hell, this is what husbands do, right.



What a fine mess said:


> He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls,


No way brother. Not for seven years. Noone is that smooth-talking. OM rattled her emotions in a way that you did not. You are probably a nice-guy. Not one to offend or push boundaries. Overly polite w/ women. A perfect gentleman. failed to take control in the bedroom or failed to do what you wanted because your wife isn't that kind of girl. 



What a fine mess said:


> convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.


You were gaslit amigo. you were the puppet on the string, not her. You resorted to your nice-guy behavior by letting it go.

Ask your wife what she thinks about the composite man. this is called the Lover/Provider Dichotomy and is well established in human psychology.


----------



## manowar

What a fine mess said:


> My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted



this was a result of her Emotions related to the OM. She was pretty gone at this point. You were probably a good husband and father who felt like a roommate.

In your Will, bypass your Princess (who you put on the pedestal all those years). Where did that behavior get you? See if you can do this or go directly to your children. You can put a little clause (Princess you know why). * There have to be consequences. * Her best years she was providing sexual agency to another man (and he got the good stuff) in exchange for your commitment such as providing material support and doing all those things a husband does (cutting the grass, paying insurance, car regis, credit cards, vacations, etc. etc.) She relied upon you for this which you dutifully fulfilled. *Don't underrate commitment* amigo -- it's the reason women get married. 

It's a tradeoff really -- sexual agency for commitment. Forget the Disney stuff friend. That's just a myth.


----------



## Diana7

SunCMars said:


> You and your husband are good people, forgiving people.
> Bless you...
> 
> God gives us some free will.
> Free will, to do our bidding and free will to do His Works, HIS WILL.
> 
> If there is punishment to be meted out HE will sometimes use us to carry out this action.
> 
> I see the need to punish this POSOM.
> Any hurt that arrives at his families doorstep....he invited in.
> 
> When you play with demons you (very often) pay the price.
> This horrible man delivered a lifetime of pain to our OP.
> 
> Back-payment is long-hioverdue.
> 
> Cuts that are not properly attended to, never heal.
> 
> Expose the little medicine man.
> 
> 
> 
> _Nemesis-_


That's interesting because I strongly feel that wreaking vengeance actually stops you from healing.
I once heard a brilliant teaching on forgiveness. One phrase that was so helpful for me and that I have always remembered was this. 'When you forgive you are taking them off your hook and putting them into Gods hook'.
Believe me, He has far far more idea about how best to deal with the situation than we do.
Bitterness, resentment and wanting vengence hurts us the most. Forgiveness sets us free and brings healing.
For Christians forgiving isn't optional. It's a decision. Yes it can take time, but He says it for our own good.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd

manowar said:


> See if you can do this or go directly to your children.


You think the children are the OP's?


----------



## Diana7

OP, what I don't understand here is that your wife who is 50% responsible seems to be facing few consequences and you seem to be staying with her, yet you are thinking about blowing up many other people's lives to get back at the OM who was no more responsible than your wife. 

If you can have that on your conscience then go ahead, but I so hope you don't do it.


----------



## Noman

Marc878 said:


> *Again. DNA YOUR KIDS *


Haha, it's a great idea, but HTF do you convince your 40yo child to submit to a cheek swab?

I'm envisioning all kinds of elaborate schemes you might see on TV to surreptitiously collect your adult child's DNA.

Actually, OP, do they look like you? That's an important thing.

*Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.- Aristotle*



NTA said:


> And do what with the info?


Make them change their last name.



SunCMars said:


> If there is punishment to be meted out HE will sometimes use us to carry out this action.


That's an excellent point!

OP, have you been visited by an Angelic being or had any prophetic dreams?
(Apologies @SunCMars, I'm just being a Genius Donkey. I agree with you completely about punishment here on Earth. You don't want Ted Bundy types walking around free, much less breathing.)


----------



## SunCMars

Noman said:


> Haha, it's a great idea, but HTF do you convince your 40yo child to submit to a cheek swab?
> 
> I'm envisioning all kinds of elaborate schemes you might see on TV to surreptitiously collect your adult child's DNA.
> 
> Actually, OP, do they look like you? That's an important thing.
> 
> *Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.- Aristotle*
> 
> 
> Make them change their last name.
> 
> 
> That's an excellent point!
> 
> OP, have you been visited by an Angelic being or had any prophetic dreams?
> (Apologies @SunCMars, I'm just being a Genius Donkey. I agree with you completely about punishment here on Earth. You don't want Ted Bundy types walking around free, much less breathing.)


Simple, _23 & Me_ is a genetic searching company and website that identifies long lost relatives, tells you of any genetic markers that you have that might give you problems.

I used this years ago and found that I have many cousins in Finland and in Minnesota/Wisconsin.
And, what Hapgroup you belong to.

I found out that I am 3.2 percent Neanderthal. 
Uh, most of my friends would concur!

It is a very interesting website.


_Are Dee-_


----------



## manowar

ElwoodPDowd said:


> You think the children are the OP's?



Yes....I'd bet on it......

OP served his purpose in providing the seed for children. This was part of the reason she married him. it's her biological imperative. He was also married due to his stability and steadiness. Steady Charlie. Then she devoured him. She lost attraction after the children and he was relegated to Pure Provider. This is common in the final betaization stage. You might say the _coup de grace_ where the woman attains full control in the relationship. Psychologists refer to it as the 5 stages of manipulation after childbirth.

Id also bet that the Mrs had other extramarital affairs to which OP is oblivious. I think the odds are very high. Op will never know with all of the lies and gaslighting he's encountered over the years. He makes up a fantasy world in his head to either justify it, keep the peace, or just move on in the world. Keeping the peace is typical of the nice guy. He never faced it head-on and took the action he should have upon initial discovery (throw her the fk out and stop providing!). 

He claims --" he's in Love". Yes of course. We hear that one all the time from these guys. Love for the beta provider is nothing more than an internal emotion/passion completely subjective that Baruch Spinoza (17th-century philosopher of the highest order) termed an irrational idea. It's probably based on the male's instinct to protect and the male's inherent lack of options. Trust me if a hottie, who believed the OP was the greatest thing in the world, was waiting in the wings
this self-proclaimed Love would not be so striking. They fear having to go out into the dating world again since they believe that part of their life is complete and permanent.




What a fine mess said:


> I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired.* I love her, she loves me,*


In return for His love, wife gets railed by at least one other man for seven years. You can't imagine the **** she did with this guy. During this time, steady Charlie is paying for that big life insurance policy 'just in case something happens to him' he wants the Mrs. to be fully protected. He's probably still paying those premiums today -- 'just in case". She didn't give one iota about Love amigo. It's nothing more than a passion created inside you. It has no independent real existence. It's not manifested in Wife.

Sure she loves you. She's 63 now and has limited options. At 63 she simply cant attract men like she used to. At 70, it's pretty much over. She probably likes your steadiness and stability and predictability due to her lowered sex drive. She's never had a problem with your wallet and how you keep her in material comfort and on a pedestal.




What a fine mess said:


> she was the evil, screwed-up person and apologized over and over.


Apology accepted. everything is cool now. She even cried. The OM tricked her somehow. You only know a fraction of what happened. everything you know is out of her mouth and you believe it. She'll never tell you about the other affairs.



What a fine mess said:


> It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. *Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.*


*CONCLUSION: *Make the call but not to the wife. Call the OM and tell him you want to meet with him for a drink or two. If he refuses tell him you will then be forced to tell the wife. Get the story of what happened from the OM's perspective. You'll be confronted with something you never imagined and is much closer to the truth. Like how your wife pursued this guy. How he finally dumped her but kept her around for the easy sex and so forth. Maybe he got a new side piece when your wife started to become a real pain in the azz. Only when you have both stories will you get a semblance of how you were played. He may tell you about her other affair partners and other misdeeds. 

So yes -- make the call amigo. Im sorry about the responses you received. They are probably not what you expected. However, I hope you are starting to realize what happened to you and not that fantasy in your head. I'm really sorry for you. I am because I hate to see this happen to a well-intentioned good guy. Life isn't fair and the old saying holds true again -- _nice guys always lose, always. _


----------



## ElwoodPDowd

Noman said:


> Haha, it's a great idea, but HTF do you convince your 40yo child to submit to a cheek swab?


Tell 'em it's a COVID test.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Been a few days OP. Hope you told the OBS......Right after you had divorce papers drawn up!


----------



## Goobertron

To the OP: I wouldn't bring up the diet pills thing and confront anyone if I were you. There's no point. Your wife was not the victim of some evil genius mind guru. You're reading that into it. 

You have some anger issues and want to drag someone out of the past and blame them. Your wife got what she wanted and then ended the relationship. Your wife loved him and was a full participant in the affair. It ended after a full 7 years. I was married for 6 years before my wife filed for separation and divorce.

Don't blame him or try to get revenge. Your wife is a fully accountable human being and it sounds like it all ended many years ago. It would be mentally unhealthy to churn it all up again to make some guy pay the price for something long ago. I think the real issue is your wife duped you, tricked up and now you feel foolish having to support her for the rest of your days. You never got to have an affair and have your fun and that's unfair so you want to take it out on that poor simp your wife dumped years ago who used to help her score the diet pills she liked.


----------



## Benbutton

This is a lesson in why the betrayed shouldn't reconcile. You wasted 31 years of your life instead of spending that time on a good woman. It's sad.


----------



## EdDean

I wouldn’t contact his family. How would it help you in any way? Are they even still married?

Also realize that you would assume at least some moral ownership of whatever happens next after the disclosure. She goes crazy and hurts someone? She jumps off a bridge? You’re going to have live with that.

Forget the OM. Let God sort him out. Don’t give him any more power in your life.


----------



## Diana7

EdDean said:


> I wouldn’t contact his family. How would it help you in any way? Are they even still married?
> 
> Also realize that you would assume at least some moral ownership of whatever happens next after the disclosure. She goes crazy and hurts someone? She jumps off a bridge? You’re going to have live with that.
> 
> Forget the OM. Let God sort him out. Don’t give him any more power in your life.


Thats why I could never do this. It's many people who will get very hurt and as you say, no one can know the consequences. I couldn't live with that.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

So whatever happened to the old adage "revenge is a dish best served cold"? Contrary to popular opinion, time doesn't always heal old wounds. A seven year affair deserves absolutely no forgiveness. The op's wife should have her suitcases handed to her with clear directions where to go . The OBS deserves to know just how long that "9 month"affair she forgave actually was.


----------



## Diana7

Tested_by_stress said:


> So whatever happened to the old adage "revenge is a dish best served cold"? Contrary to popular opinion, time doesn't always heal old wounds. A seven year affair deserves absolutely no forgiveness. The op's wife should have her suitcases handed to her with clear directions where to go . The OBS deserves to know just how long that "9 month"affair she forgave actually was.


I would usually agree if the affair was only just discovered. However they were all in their 30's then and are now in their 60's. 
I see no point in hurting many others just because of a desire to get revenge.


----------



## EdDean

Tested_by_stress said:


> So whatever happened to the old adage "revenge is a dish best served cold"? Contrary to popular opinion, time doesn't always heal old wounds. A seven year affair deserves absolutely no forgiveness. The op's wife should have her suitcases handed to her with clear directions where to go . The OBS deserves to know just how long that "9 month"affair she forgave actually was.


Hot. Cold. Who cares? It’s a plate of poison and you’re the one eating it. The anger that he is feeling will not go away. It will still be there after his “revenge“. He will just have added a new layer of misery in the form of guilt at the pain he has now caused a bunch of innocent people. And the wife, the children, possibly grandchildren are all innocent.

I am not suggesting he stay in his marriage. That is a very difficult question and complex, especially given the amount of time we are talking about here.


----------



## manowar

Goobertron said:


> I think the real issue is your wife duped you, tricked up and now you feel foolish having to support her for the rest of your days.



OP hasn't returned. I guess he didn't like the responses so hightailed it out of here. Everybody's wrong except OP. Fairy tales are safe and comforting. 

As for supporting her for the rest of her days, hey man he's in love ok.


----------



## jlg07

Diana7 said:


> I would usually agree if the affair was only just discovered. However they were all in their 30's then and are now in their 60's.
> I see no point in hurting many others just because of a desire to get revenge.


Well, it seems he DID just discover that it went on for SEVEN years, not a few months, and only ended because they moved.

In all fairness, OP would not be hurting others. His WIFE and the OM are responsible for that.


----------



## Diana7

jlg07 said:


> Well, it seems he DID just discover that it went on for SEVEN years, not a few months, and only ended because they moved.
> 
> In all fairness, OP would not be hurting others. His WIFE and the OM are responsible for that.


Well he would be hurting many others because he has a choice not to tell after all these years. If he is staying with his wife it seems very hypocritical for him to try and wreck another family.
He needs to put his efforts into his own situation and not worry about theirs.


----------



## Sfort

If he wants to kick his wife to the curb, so be it, but there is no reason to disrupt the lives of the innocent people - OM's family. That's ridiculous.


----------



## jlg07

Funny because in almost EVERY case here in TAM, when they find out about the affair, everyone recommends that they tell the OBS -- so why so different in this case? Just because it was years ago? Don't you think the OM's wife DESERVES to know that her H is a scumbag?


----------



## Diana7

jlg07 said:


> Funny because in almost EVERY case here in TAM, when they find out about the affair, everyone recommends that they tell the OBS -- so why so different in this case? Just because it was years ago? Don't you think the OM's wife DESERVES to know that her H is a scumbag?


I do feel that it makes a difference that it's so long ago. They are all now in their 60's and probably have grandchildren by now. Maybe retired. Why disrupt so many lives so long after the event? The only reason I can think of to tell the other BS is to initially get the affair stopped. That stopped 26 years ago.


----------



## SunCMars

What better time to strike?

Strike now, when the POSOM is least expecting it.

That dude knifed our OP in the back for seven years.
Gods, OP had no clue.

Deliver the exposed clue to POSOM's wife and family. 

Delayed Justice can sometimes be just as sweet.

I say this as a card-carrying Martian, not as a kind and rational apologist for the failings of Mankind.


_
Are Dee-_


----------



## EdDean

Diana7 said:


> Well he would be hurting many others because he has a choice not to tell after all these years. If he is staying with his wife it seems very hypocritical for him to try and wreck another family.
> He needs to put his efforts into his own situation and not worry about theirs.
> [/





Sfort said:


> If he wants to kick his wife to the curb, so be it, but there is no reason to disrupt the lives of the innocent people - OM's family. That's ridiculous.





jlg07 said:


> Funny because in almost EVERY case here in TAM, when they find out about the affair, everyone recommends that they tell the OBS -- so why so different in this case? Just because it was years ago? Don't you think the OM's wife DESERVES to know that her H is a scumbag?


I’m not sure it is always a good idea. If the affair is very recent and you think the affair partner’s spouse has an ongoing risk to themselves or their health; then I think there could be a moral justification for telling them. Even then, I am very much of the opinion that you do share some moral responsibility for what happens to that person and their family after you make a choice to reveal the information. Revenge in and of it’s self should never be a justification.

Also consider this. The affair ended decades ago assuming the spouse is finally being honest. I know. That is a big if. However, at this point the other man has been locked out of the relationship for years. The only one who can open the lock on that door and drag him back into the relationship is the betrayed husband. Why would he do that? It’s almost a guarantee that the other man would react with anger and threats. He will probably resume contact with the wife and demand that she tell her husband to leave him alone. The husband would have affectively restarted communication between the two of them. Exactly what he doesn’t want. My advice. Leave the AP on the other side of the locked door, buried in the past where he belongs.


----------



## What a fine mess

Ok ok,, OP here. 
GREAT responses! Thank you so much for chiming in on either side of the debate. I live in a small town with no friends that I can truly confide in, and this conversation alone is helping me a great deal! Thank you, thank you. It is very interesting to see the different perspective. Man-of-war (MOW) makes a hell of a lot of sense, as does EdDean and many others. I do wonder the current ages of the members. For instance, I WISH I had access to Man-of -war when I was 33 years old, but heck - there wasn’t true INTERNET back then! I was so unaware back then, even about what great sex was, etc. If I had the ear of someone like MOW, I would follow his advice to the tee. Great stuff. 
HOWEVER, being 64 and retired, I have a different perspective than I did back in the day. If I was to divorce, I do fear I would become a really bitter, drunk old man and die an earlier death. I don’t drink much at all now, just saying the depression would set in quickly. UNLESS OF COURSE the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders came to my door to tag team me on a regular basis! That would be a fix, I would probably never look back! what are the odds - right? So, divorce is not going to happen, at least not now. I hate what she did with a passion, but do I love her, I love making love to her and she is my best friend. Our worlds are too tightly bound now to do anything differently.
As far as the phone call to the OM or his wife, I have currently decided to keep that arrow in my quiver. I keep tabs on the guy and it does appear they are still married. Their kids are grown and gone of course, so any comments about ruining their lives would be up to that couple, which I doubt they would ever know. A good point was brought up, that he would for sure re-establish communications with my wife, which I do not want. 
It may be true in life that ‘good guys finish last’, but I suppose I am just hoping I reap rewards in the next life. I’m hoping like hell that reincarnation is real, and I get to come back as a stud that REMEMBERS all the sh-t I learned from my previous lives!!


----------



## Tdbo

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Tell 'em it's a COVID test.


Naw, next holiday has a theme.
Time to explore the "Family Heritage."
Everyone gets an Ancestry kit as a gift.
Time to put honkers in the test tubes, and send them off.
Then sit back and potentially watch the feces interact with the oscillating appliance................


----------



## Blondilocks

Just because the guy is in his sixties, doesn't mean he isn't still cheating on her and exposing her to stds. It isn't about jacking up his life (although, that would be a bonus) or ruining the wife's supposed fairytale marriage. It is about letting the OBS know that all is not what she may have been led to believe. It allows her to protect herself if need be. 

It is a humanitarian gesture. She can do with it what she will. Just as you have chosen to rugsweep it. I'm sure your wife really, really appreciates your sacrifice. <snort> Me, I would be seeing a lawyer to change my will.


----------



## Sfort

jlg07 said:


> Funny because in almost EVERY case here in TAM, when they find out about the affair, everyone recommends that they tell the OBS -- so why so different in this case? Just because it was years ago? Don't you think the OM's wife DESERVES to know that her H is a scumbag?


I rarely disagree with anything you say, but I do here. Timing is everything. I had an infection 30 years ago that went untreated, but it finally resolved itself. Should I go ahead and take an antibiotic now? 

One of the reasons for telling spouses is to motivate a change in behavior. Another is revenge on the betrayer. In this case, she was aware of his transgressions, and she may have been made aware of all of them. She did nothing wrong and should not be a part of this revelation. 

If he wants to do something to the betrayer, that's another matter. Leave innocent people out of it. There's nothing good to be accomplished.


----------



## Rob_1

What a fine mess said:


> Ok ok,, OP here.
> GREAT responses! Thank you so much for chiming in on either side of the debate. I live in a small town with no friends that I can truly confide in, and this conversation alone is helping me a great deal! Thank you, thank you. It is very interesting to see the different perspective. Man-of-war (MOW) makes a hell of a lot of sense, as does EdDean and many others. I do wonder the current ages of the members. For instance, I WISH I had access to Man-of -war when I was 33 years old, but heck - there wasn’t true INTERNET back then! I was so unaware back then, even about what great sex was, etc. If I had the ear of someone like MOW, I would follow his advice to the tee. Great stuff.
> HOWEVER, being 64 and retired, I have a different perspective than I did back in the day. If I was to divorce, I do fear I would become a really bitter, drunk old man and die an earlier death. I don’t drink much at all now, just saying the depression would set in quickly. UNLESS OF COURSE the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders came to my door to tag team me on a regular basis! That would be a fix, I would probably never look back! what are the odds - right? So, divorce is not going to happen, at least not now. I hate what she did with a passion, but do I love her, I love making love to her and she is my best friend. Our worlds are too tightly bound now to do anything differently.
> As far as the phone call to the OM or his wife, I have currently decided to keep that arrow in my quiver. I keep tabs on the guy and it does appear they are still married. Their kids are grown and gone of course, so any comments about ruining their lives would be up to that couple, which I doubt they would ever know. A good point was brought up, that he would for sure re-establish communications with my wife, which I do not want.
> It may be true in life that ‘good guys finish last’, but I suppose I am just hoping I reap rewards in the next life. I’m hoping like hell that reincarnation is real, and I get to come back as a stud that REMEMBERS all the sh-t I learned from my previous lives!!


No offense the OP in this thread, but reading his justifications, reaffirm what many of us know what's going on with the western man. It's called pussifycation. Today's dudes are so soft physically and emotially. This is like a 50s movie with the crying, wringing of the hands, thinking what am I going to do?, etc., but in reverse, today is the dudes thst do all that and the women, just sit tight looking sheepish.
Men today don't have pride, self respect, and hardly any balls when it comes to women. And a lot them nowadays, won't even confront another man at any level. Sad but, that's the fate of men in our societies, no wonder the man hating feminazis are winning the war.


----------



## Diana7

Blondilocks said:


> Just because the guy is in his sixties, doesn't mean he isn't still cheating on her and exposing her to stds. It isn't about jacking up his life (although, that would be a bonus) or ruining the wife's supposed fairytale marriage. It is about letting the OBS know that all is not what she may have been led to believe. It allows her to protect herself if need be.
> 
> It is a humanitarian gesture. She can do with it what she will. Just as you have chosen to rugsweep it. I'm sure your wife really, really appreciates your sacrifice. <snort> Me, I would be seeing a lawyer to change my will.


I dont see it as rugsweeping, but making the right decision for them bearing in mind that it's been so long since it happened and each case is different. 
The op has weighed it all up and decided to stay with his wife, so hopefully he will allow the other couple to have their marriage as well. 

As for the other wife and STDs, if he was still cheating I am sure that would have happened by now. He may be like OP's wife and hasn't been unfaithful since. 

Either way, it's not usually the right thing to take revenge.


----------



## Diana7

Rob_1 said:


> No offense the OP in this thread, but reading his justifications, reaffirm what many of us know what's going on with the western man. It's called pussifycation. Today's dudes are so soft physically and emotially. This is like a 50s movie with the crying, wringing of the hands, thinking what am I going to do?, etc., but in reverse, today is the dudes thst do all that and the women, just sit tight looking sheepish.
> Men today don't have pride, self respect, and hardly any balls when it comes to women. And a lot them nowadays, won't even confront another man at any level. Sad but, that's the fate of men in our societies, no wonder the man hating feminazis are winning the war.


I dont agree. Sometimes it takes wisdom and strength to go against what the majority think should be done. Not to take vengence and hurt others.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Sfort said:


> If he wants to kick his wife to the curb, so be it, but there is no reason to disrupt the lives of the innocent people - OM's family. That's ridiculous.


I’m sorry but wasn’t he innocent as well...what his wife and this guy did was disgusting....so why in the should he shoulder this burden alone....nope you are 100% wrong this should be exposed to both families they need to be exposed for the losers they are...


----------



## Tested_by_stress

I couldn't imagine sitting across the breakfast table from someone who cheated on me for seven years without throwing my coffee in her face.There is no statute of limitations on betrayal. I'd be gone like a bat out of hell.


----------



## Sfort

Lostinthought61 said:


> I’m sorry but wasn’t he innocent as well...what his wife and this guy did was disgusting....so why in the should he shoulder this burden alone....nope you are 100% wrong this should be exposed to both families they need to be exposed for the losers they are...


Well, I rarely disagree with you, either, but in this case, you are 100% wrong. We'll just agree to disagree. Vengeance should be against the guilty party. If continuing to destroy this man's wife would serve a useful purpose, my opinion might be different. There is nothing to be gained by rocking her world that can't be better gained by rocking HIS world directly. 

As well reasoned as most of your responses are, this one from you surprises me.


----------



## EdDean

What a fine mess

Thanks for responding! Can I offer a little bit more?

To answer one of your questions I’m younger than you but I have been married for 20+ years. Thankfully, happily married without too many problems. So I can’t fully pretend to empathize with what you’re feeling although I could certainly imagine. I do understand what you mean when you say your wife is your best friend and you can’t imagine any other reality.

However, some of what you said makes me unhappy for you. No matter what your age, you should have the expectation to feel safe within a marriage relationship. If you don’t feel that way, communicate with your wife and let her know. Maybe she has grown as a person and can empathize better and work on changing her current behavior and actions so that you get the feeling of safety you deserve. Anything else is daily misery.

I’m glad to hear that you have decided not to communicate with the other man. Nothing good will come of it. He would never tell you the truth. He would never apologize. Hurting him vicariously through his wife would only bring you more pain.

And please stop “checking up on him”. You’re giving him way too much space in your head and power in your life. Let him be just a distant and forgotten memory.


----------



## Diana7

Lostinthought61 said:


> I’m sorry but wasn’t he innocent as well...what his wife and this guy did was disgusting....so why in the should he shoulder this burden alone....nope you are 100% wrong this should be exposed to both families they need to be exposed for the losers they are...


So because he is hurting he should hurt others? I just don't get that.


----------



## Kaliber

Rob_1 said:


> No offense the OP in this thread, but reading his justifications, reaffirm what many of us know what's going on with the western man. It's called pussifycation. Today's dudes are so soft physically and emotially. This is like a 50s movie with the crying, wringing of the hands, thinking what am I going to do?, etc., but in reverse, today is the dudes thst do all that and the women, just sit tight looking sheepish.
> Men today don't have pride, self respect, and hardly any balls when it comes to women. And a lot them nowadays, won't even confront another man at any level. Sad but, that's the fate of men in our societies, no wonder the man hating feminazis are winning the war.


Word!


----------



## Blondilocks

Diana7 said:


> I dont see it as rugsweeping, but making the right decision for them bearing in mind that it's been so long since it happened and each case is different.
> The op has weighed it all up and decided to stay with his wife, so hopefully he will allow the other couple to have their marriage as well.
> 
> As for the other wife and STDs, if he was still cheating I am sure that would have happened by now. He may be like OP's wife and hasn't been unfaithful since.
> 
> Either way, it's not usually the right thing to take revenge.


You can't be sure of anything and neither can she until she gets checked out. If you had bothered to actually read my post instead of just jumping to your canned responses you would have read that I am not advocating revenge - merely informing a person who may be harmed. If the husband is harmed because of his own actions, that is his own fault. 

I don't know what is worse - being patronized by a spouse or a stranger.


----------



## Diana7

Blondilocks said:


> You can't be sure of anything and neither can she until she gets checked out. If you had bothered to actually read my post instead of just jumping to your canned responses you would have read that I am not advocating revenge - merely informing a person who may be harmed. If the husband is harmed because of his own actions, that is his own fault.
> 
> I don't know what is worse - being patronized by a spouse or a stranger.


Thet have been married for well over 30 years. Maybe 35 or 40. Any dangerous STDs would have shown themselves by now. 
Ok I don't agree with you, but why the need for rudeness?


----------



## SunCMars

Diana7 said:


> I dont agree. Sometimes it takes wisdom and strength to go against what the majority think should be done. Not to take vengence and hurt others.


Of course you are right about the wisdom. I do agree with this being the wise thing to do.

Of course, I am wrong about the revenge. I agree to my makings, I must seek revenge.

Years, down the road.......I would pay someone to chisel onto POSOM's gravestone, telling all he died a cheater.

My type fights wars.
Your type is nice, you pray for peace.

Just Sayin'



_SunCMars-_


----------



## Blondilocks

Diana7 said:


> Thet have been married for well over 30 years. Maybe 35 or 40. Any dangerous STDs would have shown themselves by now.
> Ok I don't agree with you, but why the need for rudeness?


You are assuming that he stopped cheating long ago. I have no idea why you would make such a stupid assumption. If you found my response to be rude, that is on you. The fact that you typically claim you believe in 'honesty is the best policy' is a joke when it comes to pushing an agenda. 

It is reprehensible that you are so cavalier about a person's health - physical and mental.


----------



## Diana7

SunCMars said:


> Of course you are right about the wisdom. I do agree with this being the wise thing to do.
> 
> Of course, I am wrong about the revenge. I agree to my makings, I must seek revenge.
> 
> Years, down the road.......I would pay someone to chisel onto POSOM's gravestone, telling all he died a cheater.
> 
> My type fights wars.
> Your type is nice, you pray for peace.
> 
> Just Sayin'
> 
> 
> 
> _SunCMars-_


I have learnt after many deeo hurts in life that forgiveness enables us to let go of the past and heal and move on. Also that I don't want to hurt others just to get revenge.
Actually forgiveness takes great strength and determination, it's not easy at all.


----------



## Diana7

Blondilocks said:


> You are assuming that he stopped cheating long ago. I have no idea why you would make such a stupid assumption. If you found my response to be rude, that is on you. The fact that you typically claim you believe in 'honesty is the best policy' is a joke when it comes to pushing an agenda.
> 
> It is reprehensible that you are so cavalier about a person's health - physical and mental.


 We have no idea if he has or hasn't cheated again and as I said if she caught an std that was between her and her husband to sort out. It's been decades since their affair, I can't see the point in interfering in anothers marriage after all this time. 
No the rudeness wasn't on me, she since you were the one being rude.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Diana7 said:


> So because he is hurting he should hurt others? I just don't get that.


It's not about his hurting. It's about exposing a lie that his wife and the other man have gotten away with for far too long. The OBS deserves to know.


----------



## Decorum

What a fine mess said:


> Long story, so bear with me….
> My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.
> 
> All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.
> 
> As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.
> 
> A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.
> 
> I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.
> 
> Here’s the problem -
> The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
> I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.


I sure hope you come back and update us.


----------



## Evinrude58

You’re 64. I’m 48.
I doubt my thoughts would have as much wisdom as yours.

you informed the OBS once.... she chose what you chose.... to ignore the truth and allow her husband to keep cheating for years. I seriously doubt she wants to hear what you’d tell her.
If you choose to stay with your wife, stay knowing she never loved you like you loved her. However, she may actually love you. You’re happy, other than the knowledge.
Maybe get hypnotized and see if you can forget the pain she is STILL bringing you after so many years. Damn your wife has truly given you the gift that just keeps giving.
I feel bad for you.


----------



## EdDean

Like yourself I’m pretty new to this site. Came mostly because I’m interested in this subject (marriage) and to try and help or share any wisdom life has given me.

It became pretty clear very quickly that there are two camps here at TAM. The first is the angry divorce divorce divorce crowd who seem to prioritize vengeance above all else in their life. The second group of people generally try to post advice on ways to try and save marriages if possible or divorce with dignity if not.

It's up to you how you want to wake up feeling every day. For myself I like to look for hope in life. And I do pray for peace in the world. I don’t think that makes me weak.


----------



## Evinrude58

One has to weigh the benefits of staying vs the benefits of leaving. I’d probably stay if I was 64, and I’d leave quick if ten years younger.


----------



## Diana7

EdDean said:


> Quick public service announcement to the OP
> 
> Like yourself I’m pretty new to this site. Came mostly because I’m interested in this subject (marriage) and to try and help or share any wisdom life has given me.
> 
> It became pretty clear very quickly that there are two camps here at TAM. The first is the angry divorce divorce divorce crowd who seem to prioritize vengeance above all else in their life. The second group of people generally try to post advice on ways to try and save marriages if possible or divorce with dignity if not.
> 
> It's up to you how you want to wake up feeling every day. For myself I like to look for hope in life. And I do pray for peace in the world. I don’t think that makes me weak.


It makes you wise.


----------



## Diana7

Evinrude58 said:


> One has to weigh the benefits of staying vs the benefits of leaving. I’d probably stay if I was 64, and I’d leave quick if ten years younger.


Yes, maybe if it had come to light 25 years ago when they were still in their 30's that the affair was still going on the result would have been different. Now they are in their 60's and seem happy it' s a very different situation.


----------



## Sfort

EdDean said:


> It became pretty clear very quickly that there are two camps here at TAM. The first is the angry divorce divorce divorce crowd who seem to prioritize vengeance above all else in their life. The second group of people generally try to post advice on ways to try and save marriages if possible or divorce with dignity if not.


First, welcome. Second, we're not usually this divided. This particular question is a very volatile one. The revenge crowd is VERY adamant about it. It's hard to blame them after what they've been through. While I'm in the revenge crowd most of the time, I'm only in favor of getting revenge when it really hurts *the right person*. I see NO reason to blow up this man's family because he is a worthless POS. If the affair were still going on, I'd be on the pitchfork team myself, but apparently it's not. There are many ways to extract revenge. I just don't believe that destroying the wife's marriage is the right thing to do. She's living with the creep. That's punishment enough. Plus, we have no idea why they stayed married. Maybe she's disabled and depends on him for sustenance. We don't know.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Sfort said:


> Well, I rarely disagree with you, either, but in this case, you are 100% wrong. We'll just agree to disagree. Vengeance should be against the guilty party. If continuing to destroy this man's wife would serve a useful purpose, my opinion might be different. There is nothing to be gained by rocking her world that can't be better gained by rocking HIS world directly.
> 
> As well reasoned as most of your responses are, this one from you surprises me.


You are right Sfort we do normally agree.....and if this was a one off I would agree but this has been going on for years and that to me is the salient point they both gave up any privacy to their sin....I would call him and meet with him and tell him that either he tells his wife or he does.


----------



## Diana7

Lostinthought61 said:


> You are right Sfort we do normally agree.....and if this was a one off I would agree but this has been going on for years and that to me is the salient point they both gave up any privacy to their sin....I would call him and meet with him and tell him that either he tells his wife or he does.


It's not going on though. It stopped 25 years ago.


----------



## manowar

What a fine mess said:


> I WISH I had access to Man-of -war when I was 33 years old


I also wish I had access to Manowar when I was 33 years old.


----------



## Sfort

Lostinthought61 said:


> You are right Sfort we do normally agree.....and if this was a one off I would agree but this has been going on for years and that to me is the salient point they both gave up any privacy to their sin....I would call him and meet with him and tell him that either he tells his wife or he does.


My only concern is for OMW and their kids, if they have any.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Diana7 said:


> It's not going on though. It stopped 25 years ago.


 Yes it was 25 years ago for her and her companion however it’s only been weeks for him he is just uncovering the depth of their deception and it was a clear and concise deception on both parties . This is completely raw to him it was as if it just happened yesterday or in the case last month and it would be just as raw and truthful for the other man’s wife . What you are suggesting is that it’s OK it’s in the past let’s just MoveOn .


----------



## jlg07

Sfort said:


> I rarely disagree with anything you say, but I do here. Timing is everything. I had an infection 30 years ago that went untreated, but it finally resolved itself. Should I go ahead and take an antibiotic now?
> 
> One of the reasons for telling spouses is to motivate a change in behavior. Another is revenge on the betrayer. In this case, she was aware of his transgressions, and she may have been made aware of all of them. She did nothing wrong and should not be a part of this revelation.
> 
> If he wants to do something to the betrayer, that's another matter. Leave innocent people out of it. There's nothing good to be accomplished.


So, an infection is QUITE a different thing from this so I don't particularly think the analogy works here.
ONE of the reasons is to motivate a change in behavior. ONE of the reasons is to exact revenge.
ONE of the reasons, and the one I mentioned, is to do the RIGHT thing to let that other betrayed spouse know about this so that SHE can make whatever decisions she needs to about this situation. We assume she knows all about her H's cheating, but the reality is that she may not. Giving HER back her own ability to decide if she wants to live like this is the MORALLY correct thing to do.

However, all is moot.
OP has already stated that he is NOT going to contact the OBS. COMPLETELY his choice in the matter, so what we hash out here doesn't mean much for this case.
God bless him and I hope he can get past this.


----------



## jlg07

Diana7 said:


> I dont see it as rugsweeping, but making the right decision for them bearing in mind that it's been so long since it happened and each case is different.
> The op has weighed it all up and decided to stay with his wife, so hopefully he will allow the other couple to have their marriage as well.
> 
> As for the other wife and STDs, if he was still cheating I am sure that would have happened by now. He may be like OP's wife and hasn't been unfaithful since.
> 
> Either way, it's not usually the right thing to take revenge.


Honestly I don't think this has to be revenge here -- it is morally the right thing to do to allow the OBS to make THEIR OWN decisions where they may not have had the information. Give them back their own agency to make a decision of what THEY want to do based on the truth.

What is the cutoff for being "so long" -- 1 week, 6 months? 1 year? 5 years? 15, 20, 30, 50?
Cheating is still wrong -- what is the statute of limitations here for NOT laying out the cheating to the light instead of letting it lie in the darkness?


----------



## Divinely Favored

EdDean said:


> I wouldn’t contact his family. How would it help you in any way? Are they even still married?
> 
> Also realize that you would assume at least some moral ownership of whatever happens next after the disclosure. She goes crazy and hurts someone? She jumps off a bridge? You’re going to have live with that.
> 
> Forget the OM. Let God sort him out. Don’t give him any more power in your life.


The only ownership he has would be telling the truth. Everything else is on the cheaters. It would still be fallout from their adultry and completely on the two cheaters. I would not help hide and perpetuate their lies that have been going on for years. Both BS have a right to know they have been continually lied to.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Diana7 said:


> Well he would be hurting many others because he has a choice not to tell after all these years. If he is staying with his wife it seems very hypocritical for him to try and wreck another family.
> He needs to put his efforts into his own situation and not worry about theirs.


The cheaters actions wreck families, way to try to guilt a betrayed spouse to remain silent. Sounds exactly like something a cheater would tell a BS to protect their AP.


----------



## Diana7

Sfort said:


> My only concern is for OMW and their kids, if they have any.


Ditto. Plus grandkids.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Diana7 said:


> So because he is hurting he should hurt others? I just don't get that.


So by that account ALL BS's need to suck it up and keep their mouths shut. The other BS may not have the truth. Does she not deserve the truth? Just as OP still after all these years wanted the truth.


----------



## Diana7

Divinely Favored said:


> The cheaters actions wreck families, way to try to guilt a betrayed spouse to remain silent. Sounds exactly like something a cheater would tell a BS to protect their AP.


In this case it's a very long time ago and to be honest it's none of his business what happens in another family. 
For all we know she may know anyway.


----------



## Diana7

Divinely Favored said:


> So by that account ALL BS's need to suck it up and keep their mouths shut. The other BS may not have the truth. Does she not deserve the truth? Just as OP still after all these years wanted the truth.


As I have said before if it was happening now and had just been discovered then yes. 
She knew they had an affair and stayed and now it's 30 years later. What good will it do her and the rest of their family to dig it all up after all this time.


----------



## EdDean

I think people rationalize a lot when it comes to this question. I don’t think anyone can convince me that they care about the other man’s betrayed spouse STD risk or sense of agency or purchase or whatever after a quarter century.

My final piece of advice for the OP is that it seems, to me, like your main struggle right now is your unresolved anger towards the other man. Totally get it. But I promise you he hasn’t given you one thought in 25 years. Look for some help to let the anger go. Find some reading on the subject or maybe some individual counseling. Or like I said before. Let God sort him out. Good luck


----------



## Tested_by_stress

They've gotten away with an affair that lasted the better part of a decade. Does the passage of time lessen the gravity of the affair? Again, the OBS deserves to know. What she does with this knowledge, is entirely up to her.


----------



## Evinrude58

OP would not be in the wrong for TELLING THE TRUTH. Geez.

However, he needs to determine whether he is going to stay married to his wife or not. If he is, it would be in HIS best interest to find a way to let all this go. Telling the truth to the OBS (which he already did, I believe), is just going to create more drama in his life. The OBS likely doesn’t care to hear it. Revenge? Get it another way if needed. He won’t get it by telling the truth.

All the “poor kids and grandkids” nonsense?
This is not going to be some revelation to the OBS that her husband is a cheater. She already knows it. There’s not going to be a big to do about it. And if the kids and grandkids can’t handle a healthy dose of truth about the “pater familiaris”, tough luck. They should. And if they’re not adults, they shouldn’t even be told. It’s not OP’s fault some guy cheated with his wife. Let the cheater sort out the fallout, as he should have had to do a long time ago.

The bad thing is, the fact that the affair went on AFTER OP found out about it and he stuck his head in the sand and didn’t Either divorce his wife or make quitting the job or even moving away a condition of reconciliation—- is on him.

The more I think about it, OP, you’re past the point of really having the high ground to tell about this. You chose to ignore. You KNEW your wife was a cheater, and she was able to conceal this from you for 6 more years AFTER the initial discovery????? I think you likely just were scared to rock the boat out of fear she’d run off with the guy.

No, you really should just swallow the bitter pill, forget about it, and move on. Or divorce her.
But drudging up **** that happened 25 years ago because you finally got the truth that you were too afraid to deal with in the past?
Nah, it’s a waste of time.


----------



## Mr.Married

So I guess what we have learned is that just like before you will stick your head in the sand, swallow the pain that should be hers to carry, and keep plowing along.

Oh wait I forgot your in love.
I think I’ll go vomit now.

Your definitely a no action type dude. That’s what got you here in the first place.

Kiss those lips in bed tonight ..... BLAH !!


----------



## Divinely Favored

Diana7 said:


> It's not going on though. It stopped 25 years ago.


They have continued to lie....it has been ongoing. The lies need to be brought to the light of day.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Diana7 said:


> As I have said before if it was happening now and had just been discovered then yes.
> She knew they had an affair and stayed and now it's 30 years later. What good will it do her and the rest of their family to dig it all up after all this time.


Confim she know the truth about the duration of their deceipt and infidelity.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Diana7 said:


> In this case it's a very long time ago and to be honest it's none of his business what happens in another family.
> For all we know she may know anyway.


BS No different than if i know a parent is molesting or beating their children i am making it MY business. But then again i am black and white when it comes to what is right and just.


----------



## What a fine mess

Evinrude58 said:


> One has to weigh the benefits of staying vs the benefits of leaving. I’d probably stay if I was 64, and I’d leave quick if ten years younger.


Yep. 10-20 years ago, I would’ve bolted. 25 years ago, I would’ve probably committed a serious crime or two, then bolted! I suspect anyone calling me a ***** is probably 25-48 years old and has had a pretty bitter experience. Wait until you are my age and digest this issue at that time, and you may have a different perspective.


----------



## Rob_1

Diana7 said:


> dont agree


But of course. What else anyone could expect coming from you. You're too nice.


----------



## manowar

What a fine mess said:


> Yep. *10-20 years ago, I would’ve bolted. 25 years ago, I would’ve probably committed a serious crime or two, then bolted!* I suspect anyone calling me a *** is probably 25-48 years old and has had a pretty bitter experience. Wait until you are my age and digest this issue at that time, and you may have a different perspective.



Mid sixties. You'd get destroyed by the Marriage-Divorce Industrial Complex. they'd put you thru the meat grinder where your wife would come out a huge winner. She'd walk away with cash and prizes and believe it or not there'd be a few beta providers waiting in the background. So at your age -- I do get it. Who would really be punished in the end?

maybe hold back on that mercedes or cash out the Life policy and pocket it for yourself. How you handle it is up to you.

At least you have some insight into what happened. You stuck around and took it like a man. Some of those posts were pretty harsh. Use what you've learned and who knows maybe you can help your grandsons dodge any potential mistakes.

Check out those books I recommended. Here's another classic -- The Predatory Female by Rev Shannon. real insights into marriage that your clergyman failed to mention.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

What a fine mess said:


> Yep. 10-20 years ago, I would’ve bolted. 25 years ago, I would’ve probably committed a serious crime or two, then bolted! I suspect anyone calling me a *** is probably 25-48 years old and has had a pretty bitter experience. Wait until you are my age and digest this issue at that time, and you may have a different perspective.


Hey, if you can live with seeing her face every day after what she did, then such is life. Everyone is different in what they'll accept and what they won't. You must realize that you have been plan B the bulk of your marriage right?


----------



## Husband2016

What a fine mess said:


> Long story, so bear with me….
> My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.
> 
> All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.
> 
> As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.
> 
> A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.
> 
> I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.
> 
> Here’s the problem -
> The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
> I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.


absolutely. I have known one friend that was cheated on and he was the least deserving dude. I regret knowing and he eventually found out. A cheater deserves no protection from their lies. Their Spouse/LTP deserve to know the truth. Their marriage/relationship is theirs to protect or save. Not yours.


----------



## Diana7

Divinely Favored said:


> They have continued to lie....it has been ongoing. The lies need to be brought to the light of day.


They moved away which it why it ended.


----------



## Diana7

Divinely Favored said:


> BS No different than if i know a parent is molesting or beating their children i am making it MY business. But then again i am black and white when it comes to what is right and just.


THis affair ended a long time ago. It's not happening now. Things change in 25-30 years, people change in 25-30 years.


----------



## Diana7

Divinely Favored said:


> Confim she know the truth about the duration of their deceipt and infidelity.


And that will help how?


----------



## Divinely Favored

Diana7 said:


> And that will help how?


Will help her if he is still lying to her. She will know the truth, which she deserves.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Diana7 said:


> It's not going on though. It stopped 25 years ago.


I believe Blondi's reason to expose and the mention of STDs is because the OM is probably still cheating, just not with OP's wife. For that reason I can see telling the OBS. She has been told in the past, but no one knows if she thought it ended at that time and is clueless about the other 7 years, or maybe she knows her husband is a serial cheater and lives with it. I think the gain from going to her about it is minimal at this time.


----------



## SunCMars

Diana7 said:


> THis affair ended a long time ago. It's not happening now. Things change in 25-30 years, people change in 25-30 years.


Diana, reading this, makes me think *you also* did something really naughty, years ago.
And so, this allows you to take this sympathetic position.

I will need to confirm my suspicions using my crystal ball.


_King Brian-_


----------



## Noman

SunCMars said:


> Simple, _23 & Me_ is a genetic searching company and website that identifies long lost relatives, tells you of any genetic markers that you have that might give you problems.


@SunCMars How do you convince your kids, descended from you, that _they _need to be tested?

And, uh, are they yours?



SunCMars said:


> Years, down the road.......I would pay someone to chisel onto POSOM's gravestone, telling all he died a cheater.
> 
> My type fights wars.
> Your type is nice, you pray for peace.


@SunCMars you are a BAD ASS, M-Effin Martian FOR SURE!

I'm guessing you're Zodangan?



EdDean said:


> And I do pray for peace in the world. I don’t think that makes me weak.


No, just unrealistic (And I do it, too.)


----------



## Lynnsnake

What a fine mess said:


> Long story, so bear with me….
> My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.
> 
> All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.
> 
> As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.
> 
> A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.
> 
> I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.
> 
> Here’s the problem -
> The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
> I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.


If you blow his marriage up, be ready for repercussions. I wouldn’t blame you. I probably would too. Ask yourself: if I do this, what will happen next? Try to plan his next move. Be ready for anything . Your W will be angry. Where will it end? Put yourself in a position to deny knowledge of how the OW found out.


----------



## Evinrude58

This wealthy health guy has has many women…. OP’s wife was one of many. There’s nothing he could tell the other man’s wife that she doesn’t likely know. Many a woman stayed with a cheater for the comfortable life.


----------



## plastow

What a fine mess said:


> Long story, so bear with me….
> My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.
> 
> All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.
> 
> As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.
> 
> A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.
> 
> I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.
> 
> Here’s the problem -
> The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
> I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.


i cant understand why she told you is she trying to get you to divorce her is she just trying to hurt you cos she has and now you will hurt for the rest of your life whether married to her or not.saty but change be the boss from now on make her do as she is told everyday for the rest of your marriage or she could go .and do get the kids tested for dna.they deserve to know who is their father.what a horror story this is i wish you all the happiness you can find.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Noman said:


> @SunCMars How do you convince your kids, descended from you, that _they _need to be tested?


You can always tell your kids, "I have discovered your mother was having a long term affair back then and now I am not even sure you are my biological children." Thanks mom!


----------



## SunCMars

POSOM's wife learning about his, one more affair, might be the last female in the coffin.

She might then divorce him. Let her know.


----------



## Cynthia

What a fine mess said:


> Yep. 10-20 years ago, I would’ve bolted. 25 years ago, I would’ve probably committed a serious crime or two, then bolted! I suspect anyone calling me a *** is probably 25-48 years old and has had a pretty bitter experience. Wait until you are my age and digest this issue at that time, and you may have a different perspective.


How are things going now?
Is this eating you alive or are you able to work through it? 
How has your marriage changed due to this information? 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


----------



## Noman

plastow said:


> they deserve to know who is their father


Hmmm, I wonder if Justin Trudeau has ever had his DNA tested...


----------



## What a fine mess

Cynthia said:


> How are things going now?
> Is this eating you alive or are you able to work through it?
> How has your marriage changed due to this information?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


OP HERE- It has now been one year since my wife told me of the affair. Over the last 12 months, there has been a lot of tears and half truths revealed. Mostly, my wife has been a dream wife since this all came out, of course. I recently bought a burner cell phone and considering making the call to OM’s wife next week, as my wife will be out of town. I’m sure it will be a rough few days with return calls from OM, etc. I still have a lot of anger built up, but have managed to focus it all on him. Too many nights laying awake wanting to do horribly criminal things to him, so the only legal thing I can come up with is to let his wife know, which she deserves. I’ve considered letting her know anonymously, but it seems it would be too much detail that only my wife and I would ever know. It just doesn’t seem right that I am keeping his secret from his wife for him, while he did something so wrong to me. If he goes ballistic on me, so be it. I will be more than ready.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

What a fine mess said:


> OP HERE- It has now been one year since my wife told me of the affair. Over the last 12 months, there has been a lot of tears and half truths revealed. Mostly, my wife has been a dream wife since this all came out, of course. I recently bought a burner cell phone and considering making the call to OM’s wife next week, as my wife will be out of town. I’m sure it will be a rough few days with return calls from OM, etc. I still have a lot of anger built up, but have managed to focus it all on him. Too many nights laying awake wanting to do horribly criminal things to him, so the only legal thing I can come up with is to let his wife know, which she deserves. I’ve considered letting her know anonymously, but it seems it would be too much detail that only my wife and I would ever know. It just doesn’t seem right that I am keeping his secret from his wife for him, while he did something so wrong to me. If he goes ballistic on me, so be it. I will be more than ready.


Good to hear from you OP. I think you are doing the right thing by letting her know. If I were you I would tell the wife, but I would not take any return calls from the OM. There is nothing good that will come from talking to him. At best it will be just an argument that will go unresolved. At worst he will tell you things about your wife and the affair that you didn't know and you have absolutely no way of knowing if it is the truth. He will be able to continue to hurt and pain her inflicted on you, with your wife. Don't let him have that opportunity.


----------



## Diana7

What a fine mess said:


> OP HERE- It has now been one year since my wife told me of the affair. Over the last 12 months, there has been a lot of tears and half truths revealed. Mostly, my wife has been a dream wife since this all came out, of course. I recently bought a burner cell phone and considering making the call to OM’s wife next week, as my wife will be out of town. I’m sure it will be a rough few days with return calls from OM, etc. I still have a lot of anger built up, but have managed to focus it all on him. Too many nights laying awake wanting to do horribly criminal things to him, so the only legal thing I can come up with is to let his wife know, which she deserves. I’ve considered letting her know anonymously, but it seems it would be too much detail that only my wife and I would ever know. It just doesn’t seem right that I am keeping his secret from his wife for him, while he did something so wrong to me. If he goes ballistic on me, so be it. I will be more than ready.


Half of that anger should be for your wife. She was just as much to blame as he was.I know its easier to convince yourself that he was the one who made the running but its usually both who are equally responsible.


----------



## Diana7

What a fine mess said:


> OP HERE- It has now been one year since my wife told me of the affair. Over the last 12 months, there has been a lot of tears and half truths revealed. Mostly, my wife has been a dream wife since this all came out, of course. I recently bought a burner cell phone and considering making the call to OM’s wife next week, as my wife will be out of town. I’m sure it will be a rough few days with return calls from OM, etc. I still have a lot of anger built up, but have managed to focus it all on him. Too many nights laying awake wanting to do horribly criminal things to him, so the only legal thing I can come up with is to let his wife know, which she deserves. I’ve considered letting her know anonymously, but it seems it would be too much detail that only my wife and I would ever know. It just doesn’t seem right that I am keeping his secret from his wife for him, while he did something so wrong to me. If he goes ballistic on me, so be it. I will be more than ready.


In your first post you said you rang his wife when you first discovered it. Why would you want to do that again?


----------



## bobert

What a fine mess said:


> OP HERE- It has now been one year since my wife told me of the affair. Over the last 12 months, there has been a lot of tears and half truths revealed.


If she is still trickle truthing, then there is likely more to the story that you don't know. That is not a great wife. She needs to knock that off and tell you everything, no more chances. Problem is, you won't do anything about it.



What a fine mess said:


> I recently bought a burner cell phone and considering making the call to OM’s wife next week, as my wife will be out of town. I’m sure it will be a rough few days with return calls from OM, etc.


What is the point of the burner phone and calling while your wife is out of town? 

It is very easy to find details about where you live, your phone numbers, etc. if you are in the US. A burner phone won't protect you or your wife being contacted through other methods. 

And what happens if he calls your wife while she is out of town? You will have to take her word (which doesn't seem to be worth squat) for how the conversation went. 

If you are doing it while she's out of town because she doesn't want you to, too bad. She doesn't seem to respect you or what you need. She should be part of that conversation, make her uncomfortable. 



What a fine mess said:


> I still have a lot of anger built up, but have managed to focus it all on him.


I understand directing the anger at the AP (trust me, I do) but he isn't the one who betrayed you, your wife is. Eventually you do have to let go of the anger but that takes time, therapy, and (if you are staying married) a spouse who is doing everything possible to reconcile - which you don't appear to have.


----------



## Rus47

What a fine mess said:


> OP HERE- It has now been one year since my wife told me of the affair. Over the last 12 months, there has been a lot of tears and half truths revealed. Mostly, my wife has been a dream wife since this all came out, of course. I recently bought a burner cell phone and considering making the call to OM’s wife next week, as my wife will be out of town. I’m sure it will be a rough few days with return calls from OM, etc. I still have a lot of anger built up, but have managed to focus it all on him. Too many nights laying awake wanting to do horribly criminal things to him, so the only legal thing I can come up with is to let his wife know, which she deserves. I’ve considered letting her know anonymously, but it seems it would be too much detail that only my wife and I would ever know. It just doesn’t seem right that I am keeping his secret from his wife for him, while he did something so wrong to me. If he goes ballistic on me, so be it. I will be more than ready.


IMO your wife is the one who needs to call OBS on speaker with you listening. If she is remorseful and wants to make amends to all injured by HER actions, Your “wife” wanted to do someone else. If hadnt been him would have been someone else

Otherwise, don't bother. Especially with devious stuff like burner phones.


----------



## Rob_1

What a fine mess said:


> have managed to focus it all on him.



I'm older than you, but still it wouldn't matter to me that I would end up alone in a tiny apartment. I have something that you and in today's world so many men don't have: self respect and dignity.

If it wasn't because it really is a tragedy, I would be laughing at your pushover behavior behavior of deflecting your emotions towards the easy fix (so that you don't have to suffer economically/emotionally) by putting the blame on the dude that for 7 years at the peak of her youth and sexuality she was banging at her heart's content content, while you were blissfully ignorant. 

After you finding out that it was for some months you forgave her, but now that you know that it was for 7 years you want to direct your anger towards the dude when in reality it should have been at the original time of finding that she cheated on you that it shouldn't had matter the who, when, why, how long, etc., it should had only matter that she did. Marriage over, divorce at that time. 

Now you're back from the future and will do the same groundhog day over again; Get mad again, misdirect the blame to the other dude (because the big bad wolf was too much for your tender fragile flower of a wife for her to had been able to defense herself), so he now gets to pay. His wife has known for a long time that her husband is a cheater with God knows how many women, and she never did anything either, so the new knowledge of the affair won't do much to that Marriage. So yeah, big hoops, you'll show him; right.

Did you and your wife had children during those 7 years? If so, at the time, and a year ago when you found that it was for 7 years, did you do/tell your children if any, that you needed a DNA test from them? At least I would like to know the truth before I die. 

Bottom line, you think that your wife put one over you, but in reality it was you who put one over yourself. When you die you'll know that it was so, because you were too chicken to affect your comfort and your wallet.


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## BigDaddyNY

Diana7 said:


> In your first post you said you rang his wife when you first discovered it. Why would you want to do that again?


Because at that time he thought it ended after 9 months, which was when he talk to the POSOM's wife. Now he knows it was actually 7 years and want to let the other BS know that new information.


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## Diana7

BigDaddyNY said:


> Because at that time he thought it ended after 9 months, which was when he talk to the POSOM's wife. Now he knows it was actually 7 years and want to let the other BS know that new information.


Oh ok thanks. I guess if she didn't end it then she probably won't 31 years later. After all he hasn't, despite all the 7 years of his wife lying deceiving and cheating.


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## Openminded

Yeah, you should be angry — really, really angry — but at her. She’s the one who betrayed you — he was just who she picked. Like most men who reconcile, you want to take all that anger out on him instead of the one who actually deserves it. Tell his wife if you feel you should but do so knowing there may be repercussions. Whether they’re serious or not depends. You’re a little old to be getting in fights, if it comes to that, so have your medical insurance card ready. Hopefully, it all works out for you.


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## blackclover3

@Flyaway9768 this is an example


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## Divinely Favored

Openminded said:


> Yeah, you should be angry — really, really angry — but at her. She’s the one who betrayed you — he was just who she picked. Like most men who reconcile, you want to take all that anger out on him instead of the one who actually deserves it. Tell his wife if you feel you should but do so knowing there may be repercussions. Whether they’re serious or not depends. You’re a little old to be getting in fights, if it comes to that, so have your medical insurance card ready. Hopefully, it all works out for you.


If the AP knew she was married, he should be expecting retribution for his part in the sexual escapades. He also owes his pound of flesh to the BS for interfering in another's marriage and being an immoral ****.


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## Openminded

Divinely Favored said:


> If the AP knew she was married, he should be expecting retribution for his part in the sexual escapades. He also owes his pound of flesh to the BS for interfering in another's marriage and being an immoral ****.


That’s your view — obviously— but it’s not everyone’s.


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## Divinely Favored

Openminded said:


> That’s your view — obviously— but it’s not everyone’s.


I know! That is why so many have no problem screwing other people's spouses....very little, if any consequences for their moral terpitude.


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## ABHale

Your anger is miss placed.

It was your wife that willingly screwed his brains out any time he wanted her.

It was your wife that made you feel like **** when ever your gut told you that something was wrong.

It was your wife that got angry with you for knowing what she was doing.

You just shifted the blame so you don’t have to deal with the real monster in your life. Your cheating, lying ***** of a wife.


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## bobsmith

YUP, just another F job in the married world. Dude, I will be straight w you, good dudes can never get past this. You can act like it you can, but it will eat you up every day. I highly recommend to dump the dead weight, find something much younger, and you will thank me in a couple yrs. 

I have a friend that is 43. She cheated on a man to get w him many yrs ago. That was a big red flag in my head. FF to now, YUP, bich cheated again to get with her boss with more cash (read, money is everything to them), but he found a nice, 27yo with kids that needed a daddy. Will it work long term, I HIGHLY doubt it, but the moral here is younger women are your icing. They are more active, more everything. Dump this one and move to a newer model! 

Of course people here will lose their mind! Until they realize this already happens every single day! What you need to focus on now is how you protect your finances. You can start ditching funds, selling stuff to really good friends, etc. People think it is shady but no shadier than what women do to men every day in courts, and the laws allow it. I have no shame in all that.


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## TinyTbone

My good man, I'll be 62 next month. I been married to my wife 38 years now. We've seen a lot flow under the bridge. No doubt it hurt long ago finding out. Now so many years later she gives a full disclosure. Guess Rips the scab off a deep wound for sure. I kinda had to deal with this myself recently as well. 30 years is a long time my friend. If this is still hurting I say this; when you read this response, stop, find your lady, hug her and kiss her. Tell you her you love her and remember, she is prize! She is in your arms all these years later, loving you and being with you through the good, the bad and ugly that life dishes to us all! Remember, you got the prize her and her heart no matter what else. See yourselves with love to the rainbow my friend!


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## Marc878

zombie


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## Bulfrog1987

What a fine mess said:


> Long story, so bear with me….
> My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.
> 
> All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.
> 
> As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.
> 
> A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.
> 
> I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.
> 
> Here’s the problem -
> The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
> I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.


While many men will say do it go ahead.. I think you shouldn’t. First off, it’s just pouring gas in a fire. And another thing, he’s not the only guilty party, so is you wife.

May late husband humiliated me in every possible way for the affair I had. Unlike you however, he was not a good husband. That was no excuse for me stepping out, I just was desperate for affection and the second I got some I ran with it.

unlike your wife though, I did everything I could to cut ties completely, gave up my career, moved three states away, all the things. It was done and it was never enough. My husband had zero intention of truly forgiving me and never changed his ways that’s for sure. I stuck it out though, trying to make it up to him even when he didn’t deserve it.

If you love your wife, don’t do this. Not even for her but for your own sanity. My point is if you love her and you want to stick it out, ‘ruining’ the other guys life isn’t going to fix what you think it will.


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## ConanHub

What a fine mess said:


> Long story, so bear with me….
> My wife and I have been married for 40 years. In year 9, I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker. I was told it lasted about 9 months, I demanded it be over and I also called the guy’s wife to let her in on their secret. They remained co-workers for the next 6 years and occasionally some suspicious things happened during that time, but she controlled the situation by convincing me I was just paranoid, time and time again. Later she resorted to occasional verbal abuse to try to make me back off of accusations.
> 
> All during this time, I was struggling with a business start-up and going to night school for a PhD to better provide for her and our two young kids. I felt like I was a good husband, lover and father. She was the love of my life, but apparently, something was lacking for her. FYI - Her lover was a health professional making 4x my annual, married with two young kids.
> 
> As time went on, I forgave her and tried to trust her, but deep down it took many years.
> 
> A few weeks ago, (31 years after I found out about the affair) we were traveling through our old town, which brought back the bad old memories. I haven’t spoken about the affair in over 20 years, but I decided to ask if she would tell me the truth about whether I was just over paranoid or what.. She proceeded to tell me it lasted a full 7 years, it was good orgasmic sex (I asked) and they were in love. She says she broke it off when we moved to another town and that she decided at that time she did not really love him. She confirmed that I was not going crazy, that I was not over paranoid and she was the evil, screwed up person and apologized over and over.
> 
> I am now 64, she is now 63 and we both recently retired. I love her, she loves me, I have made plenty of money that she is set up for life, it seems life should be all good, with the exception of digesting this new, very, very ugly news.
> 
> Here’s the problem -
> The guy knew what he was doing. He worked her like a puppet and had her on a string for many years of booty calls, while he led a double life. My wife was maybe 120 pounds in the beginning of the affair and somehow kept getting access to prescription diet pills. I am convinced she was addicted, and he was feeding her the scripts. I have found his - and his wife’s contact info and I am considering jacking up his perfect little life by calling his wife and giving her the whole story. It really bothers me he thinks he got away with it. Any advice truly appreciated before I make that call.
> I plan to post this in men’s and ladies lounge to get both perspectives.


Hmm. Very late here but I would divorce the skanky lizard posing as your wife as well as casting a light on the OM's life. You are really too nice to exist in a brutally real world.


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## ConanHub

P.S. there is no ho like an old ho. That's what you have for a wife buddy.🧐


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## Affaircare




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## Cynthia

What a fine mess said:


> OP HERE- It has now been one year since my wife told me of the affair. Over the last 12 months, there has been a lot of tears and half truths revealed. Mostly, my wife has been a dream wife since this all came out, of course. I recently bought a burner cell phone and considering making the call to OM’s wife next week, as my wife will be out of town. I’m sure it will be a rough few days with return calls from OM, etc. I still have a lot of anger built up, but have managed to focus it all on him. Too many nights laying awake wanting to do horribly criminal things to him, so the only legal thing I can come up with is to let his wife know, which she deserves. I’ve considered letting her know anonymously, but it seems it would be too much detail that only my wife and I would ever know. It just doesn’t seem right that I am keeping his secret from his wife for him, while he did something so wrong to me. If he goes ballistic on me, so be it. I will be more than ready.


Hi @What a fine mess,
Can you update us on what happened? Did you ever call the OM's wife? What was the outcome?


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