# Almost a Year and Wife has an Affair



## lostsoul30 (Jul 28, 2010)

Me and My wife has been married for almost a year. The love I have for her is uncountable in many ways. As we never lived together and this was our first it was hard to accommodate the changes, but in time it happened. I was a heavy drinker before my marriage and calmed down after, but i recent got into trouble due to the drinking and I though by me not drinking it would help. But even though we still fight and bicker about little things. Time pasted and I would notice her unhappy when I ask I never got a positive response. She’s not an emotional person and keeps it to herself and with her mother. While I though we were going ok a lot of thing started changing. We grew distant, while I felt all was good she had already given up. We had our talk, laughs and fun so I assume everything was fine. But it wasn't. She became emotionless to me and held on the little string of hope. Every time she got angry she bought up my past as if hers wasn't bad. But I restrain from that as I knew that would hit below the belt. Months pasted and the sex slowed down. We hardly talk as much as we bitter more and I return to having a few drinks here and their. I later realize that most of my evenings were been spend on the couch or in one room while she was in another. She started to spend more time out than in and I took it as she needed a little breathing room from everything. I was ok with it everyone deserves a bit of space from time to time. As we went on it became where she did what she wanted when she wanted not showing me any consideration and I started feeling neglected when I try to share my emotions with her. She mentioned being unhappy and I tried to fix it by spending time with her but their was always some sort of excuse, friends, tired, work etc. I plan that amazing time for our one year anniversary but it was all shattered by finding out that she had an affair with a man of her pass. Her response that my drinking, us drifting apart and being emotionless drew her to this based on lust and wants that I wasn't providing. As I was destroyed and hurt of what had happen, my negative side drew the family within out matters which escaladed the situation to a different point. Even feeling that I may have contributed to her unhappiness I still feel it no excuse to indulge in another flesh. I care for my wife a lot and want to work this out, We have been apart for a week and a half but i feel in my heart the wanting for her which I was told is common and I don't think she feel that same as our conversation now aren't on how to fix this but the bicker at each other about what was done. My parents and friends will back me on any decision I make which it to make this work hoping this may bring us a bit closer than we were before but I am asking for your insights.


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

The first question is this: Is she still seeing the other man? If so, this is why she cannot and doesn't feel like working toward reconciling things with you. As long as he is in the picture, she will continue to compare you to him, as unfair as that may be.

As you mentioned, if reconciliation is to happen, you will need to work on things that you did or didn't do to get the marriage to where it is. With that being said, it is NOT your fault that she has decided to have an affair. If you read around on this forum, you'll see many who have been or are going through similar situations. You'll see that there are certain tendencies and behaviors you can expect. Read up on them so that you are able to remain calm when you see the signs and know that it's all part of the process.

If you have confronted her with the knowledge of the affair and she has continued anyways, the next step is to go to one person close to her. Her mom or best friend maybe? This person will need to be someone that can perhaps let your wife see that her fantasy can easily be forced to live out in the real world with the rest of us. The secrecy and excitement of the affair will fizzle if people around her know what is going on.

If the affair still continues, you will want to expose it to her family and friends. The reason for this is not to get any sort of revenge, but to let the people around her that are supporting her know the truth. Again, if people around her know and she gets the sense that they frown upon her actions, it makes it much harder to carry on an affair. This step is very difficult, but trust me, the sooner the better. I've been watching my situation develop for a few months and just now exposed. I wish I had done it 2 months ago. Seriously, if you're like me and non-confrontational by nature, just step up and let the world know the truth. If you don't, she's going to give everyone her side of the story, which could involve any number of lies.

You're likely in for a long road, no matter how it turns out, but you can most certainly fight for your marriage. There are a lot of people here that will help you in the coming days/weeks/months.

Feel free to browse over to my thread about my wife's emotional affair (which has since turned physical as well) and read up on my situation. You'll be able to see that a number of people gave me signs to look for of things she would say and do, and those things have been spot-on.

No matter what, there is light at the end of the tunnel for you. It's hard to hear now, but the best thing you can do is work on yourself. Refocus on doing things that improve you and make sure any contact you have with your wife focuses on saying and doing things that build up love, not take away from it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

you need to work on yourself. Exercise, enjoy yourself, eat right and be happy. It is much more attractive to your wife. The less you need her the more she will need you. Unless of course, she is completely out of love with you.


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