# Wish I had found this website sooner



## bbwxqx (Jun 19, 2011)

Unfortunately I am a "member" of the been cheated on Club. I have been married to my wife for 19 years and have 2 kids. March of last year I discovered completely accidentally she was talking with a guy on Twitter very sexually. I posted the entire thing on another website (WebMD) since I didn't know about this one. 
You can read it all here: "Is this something to worry about? Need advice": Sexual Health Community - Support Group

I hope its ok to post a link to another website here. I just did it to save time and space. It has been one roller coaster of a year. I am almost a year from the last known episode of this but I am still very emotionally damaged. We are still together and to this day she doesnt feel she had an affair. Though she did tell me she loved this guy. I can completely relate to most everyone's feelings here and cant believe this problem is so wide spread.

I would like to know if these feelings of I guess insecurity or probably more accurately distrust ever go away? I don't feel that my wife is continuing to do anything anymore but after my ordeal I still have doubt. I am not sure if its just me at this point or not. I have not allowed myself to completely remove/dismantle my defenses.

Sometimes I feel glad that we made it through this, but then other times (most of the time lately) I feel rather stupid. That I should have left.

I am not free to discuss this with her as she I guess doesn't want to be reminded of it. There is still things she has not told me which bothers me. I just dont want to find out something big happened that she hid from me that if I knew my decisions would have been different. Make sense? I dont know? I guess I am just rambling at this point. In any event I am glad others can atleast relate to what I am feeling.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I hope I did not read you right when you said you are not free to discuss!!!!!!

Your wife had an A., she told a strange man she loves him, that possibly in preferance to you---where in your wedding vows did you agree to share your wife with another man

She hides her phone----THERE IS NO PRIVACY OF THAT SORT IN A MGE---IF SHE WANTED THAT PRIVACY SHE STAYS SINGLE

Does she also wipe her feet on you---for from what you are saying, you are acting like, or being a doormat

She cheated---stand up for yourself---If you wanna talk about things, they get talked about---this whole thing is by your rules---if she doesn't like it, that is tuff------

Set your boundaries, and enforce them

Is your wife showing proper, remorse, and contriteness---is she helping you thru your hurt?????


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

bbwxqx said:


> We are still together and to this day she doesnt feel she had an affair. Though she did tell me she loved this guy.


This is a huge obstacle. No remorse? No guilt? It's really no wonder you are not healing. Since it's been more than a year and no real progress is being made, you and your wife probably need to consider counseling. BTW, sweeping the problem under the rug isn't going to make it go away.

Glad you found this forum. Hope things improve for you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How can it not be an affair when she admits to being in love with OM?
Don't carpent sweep this, 1st your feelings won't go away b/c there not being addressed, 2nd it will happen again, b/c the both of you don't really know way it happened...that in the fact that she has not had any real cosequences that will make any real difference with her.

We swept her first affair under the carpet 7 years into the marriage. Affter 20 OM and 13 more years later I finally made the change in my self that made a real impact.

Crack this sh8t wide open and address it. Her most important consequence is to face the reality and own this crap. The both of you need to open this wound and clean it out. As painful as it.... it will not heal correctly if it is not properly cared for. 

Trust me, been there done that. My biggest regret was not facing the unheathy marriage I had so many years ago.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You need to accept the reality that your WW has or is having a full on Emotional Affair (EA) with an OM. Of course she denies, says it was all fun. But how can that be when she says she loves the OM? Unfortunately, you weren't able to find out much information about the OM before she found out that you knew. And it looks like she has simply taken it underground.

You were the one that posted in the Keylogger thread that you use Web Watcher to monitor your young daughters web activities. Your WW knows this I assume, since the instrument of her EA is her iPOD, which she guards. She is guarding it for a reason obviously. So really, how do you even know the EA is over? You don't. I hate to say it, but it is probably still going on with OM, or even worse a new OM. You are not even able to find out if this OM is in the local area (very bad), or is farther away (still bad). You don't even know if the EA has gone PA at this point because of her secrecy. Trust me, if the OM is even in the local area, it has gone PA. You see, after a while, the sexting isn't enough and they will meet to relieve their sexual tension. In a nutshell, all you have is her word tha the A is over. No wonder you can't move on.

The next thing both of you did was to sweep this under the rug instead of confronting the A head on. She still hasn't even owned up to the A at all, and gets defensive when you talk about it. This is not remorse, this is rugsweeping. This is yet another reason why you haven't started to heal. This is only just going to fester.

She needs to own the affair, admit it was wrong. If she wants to continue the marriage, you need to have conditions.

1. She needs to be remorseful, admit the affair, and apologize.
2. She needs to be transparent. You need access to all her accounts, especially that damn iPOD, and she to yours. Transparency helps rebuild trust. 
3. You should puchase a VAR, because I have the feeling they aren't just using the iPOD to communicate. There may be a secret cell phone that you don't know about. Placing one in her car (a good place is under the seat) and other places is a good method for detecting the secret cell phone. 

Look, I've got a 21 year marriage myself and just passed the 1 year anniversary of my DDay. You are not healing because you don't trust her. And she hasn't done a damn thing to even start rebuilding any trust. This is why you cannot heal, and its just festering within you. You're not free to discuss this with her? Excuse me, but wasn't she the one that cheated and had at least an EA (possibly more than that). Put separation or divorce on the table, because you cannot go on like this. But if you like living in limbo and sweep it under the rug, then its going to eat at you the rest of your life with her.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your wife is in a full on EA and as often happens , and it is not believed by the spouse, may already have be in a PA. This is very likely to have gone underground. 

Harden up. 

Track the OM down if he is married tell his wife, if not get hold of his parents and siblings and tell them he is an affair with your wife.

To protect yourself tell her parents and yours, waywards have a habit of gas lighting and rewriting the marriage history to give excuses for their affair. Accept none of it. 

Use the word affair, if they do not understand what it means send them links on Emotional Affairs. 




> 1. She needs to be remorseful, admit the affair, and apologize.
> 2. She needs to be transparent. You need access to all her accounts, especially that damn iPOD, and she to yours. Transparency helps rebuild trust.
> 3. You should puchase a VAR, because I have the feeling they aren't just using the iPOD to communicate. There may be a secret cell phone that you don't know about. Placing one in her car (a good place is under the seat) and other places is a good method for detecting the secret cell phone.


The above is sound advice; she won't do this, as she is likely still in the affair. 

Time to man up and take the OM out of the picture and give your wife a hard choice, either she is in the marriage and loves you unconditionally or she is out and you will ensure separation is on your terms.


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## bbwxqx (Jun 19, 2011)

A couple of you hit it on the nose about probably taking it underground. That's the thing I am doubting it but I really dont know for sure. From her actions and her attitude towards me I do not get the impression that she is still continuing anything. She gives me all kinds of attention and affection a complete turn around from before. She tells me all the time she loves me now, again a complete turn around. So why do I still have doubt? Because more than once before I thought it was done only to find months later I stumble upon somthing.
The guy she said she was in love with lives in Canada which is no where close to me. I am pretty certain that it is over with him. I did have a brief chat with her Friday not specifically about this but she did specifically say that she wasnt doing that anymore. I did tell her previously that I was tired of all this and that if it did happen again I would leave. And honestly I am at that point even if I sound like a doormat. I have packed my bags before and was stopped by her. She even left work to do it. 

Not "really" being able to talk about it bothers me. Anytime I mentioned the subject her defenses go up and we "can" talk about it to a point. She had mentioned when I first found out about this that there was a guy at work that was hitting on her. When asked she sayed that she was tempted by him but didnt do anything. I did confirm this with her girlfirend that she communicated with during this ordeal. Looking at phone records I did see one call she received from him while at work and they spoke for 15 mins.

The wife and her friend are no longer because of all this and finding out that she was communicating with me. But one of the emails her friend sent to my wife at the end read that she never told me everything. I dont know what "everything" entails maybe lots or maybe not. And thats what bothers me, I dont know everything.

What also bothers me a lot is that the wife got many of her friends involved and I still dont know who one person was and she will not tell me. Though I did find out that it was a woman who used to work with her but now is gone. She said she promised her that she would never tell. However, she also promised me that she would be faithfull but didn't keep that one.

Regarding remorse etc... she has said repeatly that she was stupid for doing all of it. She has shed tears and I do feel that she does feel something. But I still dont know for sure what all IT entailed. Many of her tweets with this guy were very sexually charged and I know she was turned on by them. In the beginning before I realized what was happening I was often awakened at night to her masturbating to the extent of 3 or more nights a week. Though I never said anything about it. I didn't put two and two together for another couple weeks at that pont.

I really need to get all my feelings out in the open. I did talk to two councilors one of which she went to but decided she didnt like her and refused to go back after a couple of visits. The second I went to by myself and found out that she was talking with this guy the whole time I was at the councilor! That was last April.

Again the last known activity was in August of last year so it has been quite some time. The problem lies with the fact that it has been that long and I still feel this way. Make sense?

I plan on talking with her and getting this out in the open.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I think if you are going to do it, then do it and get it over with. I can understand her frustration if you just hit her with one or two questions over and over again. If she is being a "good girl" at this point then surely you can understand that she doesn't want to be continually reminded of the past. Sometimes people do make mistakes. It sounds like you are willing to move forward if you can get past hearing everything that happened. Be forewarned that if she does open up you might not like what you hear. Search this forum for other discussions about whether it is good to know everything that happened during an affair, or whether a little ignorance is a good thing.

Sending photos to someone else is well beyond "innocent" talk. You have a right to know everything that went on, but like I said, get to it and then either let it go or let her go. And tell her to get rid of that twitter account. Nobody needs facebook or twitter. All communication for non-sexual purposes can be done via good ole EMAIL.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't ask for the gory details, they only create additional triggers and create a mental image that is hard to not keep from replaying in your mind over and over. Get only the major items, who, when, where. Leave out the what. I think texts can be read on the touch just like the iphone. Google read deleted texts itouch textpad or use iphone in place of itouch. You sync it with the computer then use the back up files to read them. Personally, I'd make her get rid of the damn thing and make her get a cellphone preloaded with phone spyware so you can see all of her activity.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If your gut is talking to you---then trust it----ask anyone whose gut talked to them---the gut proved right!!!!!

Start checking, very quietly, all her methods of communication---and see what you come up with

Your wife has way to much drama in rether men, and that should not be happening---she is sending out signals, to other men physcally, and contacting them, via electronics----you need to get to the WHY of all of this---or you will cause yourself mental harm, and live in misery----

No matter what your wife says/does, trust your gut---if you discover anything----MAKE her show you all her computer/phone contacts---once again if she refuses put D. on the table----you were not set on this planet to live your life in misery


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jnj express said:


> If your gut is talking to you---then trust it----ask anyone whose gut talked to them---the gut proved right!!!!!
> 
> Start checking, very quietly, all her methods of communication---and see what you come up with
> 
> ...


I totally agree with trusting ones gut. These feelings we get are innate based on evolution. i.e. we survived with these gut feelings. They should not be discounted. It is a way to get our attention when we sense things.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bbwxqx said:


> She tells me all the time she loves me now, again a complete turn around. So why do I still have doubt? Because more than once before I thought it was done only to find months later I stumble upon somthing.


Is it all time, or is it sometimes when she feels giddy like a schoolgirl? Some cheaters are very adept at hiding their true selves when they take the A underground. I'm not saying this is true, but it seems that your gut is screaming at you. Or, everything is fine and your are still suspicious because you haven't healed and your wife has done nothing to assuage your fears.



bbwxqx said:


> The guy she said she was in love with lives in Canada which is no where close to me. I am pretty certain that it is over with him. I did have a brief chat with her Friday not specifically about this but she did specifically say that she wasnt doing that anymore. I did tell her previously that I was tired of all this and that if it did happen again I would leave. And honestly I am at that point even if I sound like a doormat. I have packed my bags before and was stopped by her. She even left work to do it.


Well, my WWs OM is in Canada too.  So what you have done to verify that it's over between them?



bbwxqx said:


> Not "really" being able to talk about it bothers me. Anytime I mentioned the subject her defenses go up and we "can" talk about it to a point.


Then she's not remorseful, and just rug sweeping. This is one reason that you cannot heal, that you two cannot discuss this. Since she isn't really remorseful, she is only guilty she got caught. The likelihood that she's taken it underground, or will be in another one is pretty high if she isn't remorseful about it.



bbwxqx said:


> She had mentioned when I first found out about this that there was a guy at work that was hitting on her. When asked she sayed that she was tempted by him but didnt do anything. I did confirm this with her girlfirend that she communicated with during this ordeal. Looking at phone records I did see one call she received from him while at work and they spoke for 15 mins.


In some cases, the cheater will drop a hint for some odd reason.



bbwxqx said:


> The wife and her friend are no longer because of all this and finding out that she was communicating with me. But one of the emails her friend sent to my wife at the end read that she never told me everything. I dont know what "everything" entails maybe lots or maybe not. And thats what bothers me, I dont know everything.


That's one of the first things cheaters do: They drop their friends who do not condone their affair and keeps the ones that enable their affairs. Typical behavior.



bbwxqx said:


> What also bothers me a lot is that the wife got many of her friends involved and I still dont know who one person was and she will not tell me. Though I did find out that it was a woman who used to work with her but now is gone. She said she promised her that she would never tell. However, she also promised me that she would be faithfull but didn't keep that one.


Now this is disturbing and a red flag. What wouldn't she tell? Most likely a deep dark secret. No wonder this is eating at you. Your WW is really keeping some secrets from you. You may have discovered the tip of the iceberg.



bbwxqx said:


> Regarding remorse etc... she has said repeatly that she was stupid for doing all of it. She has shed tears and I do feel that she does feel something. But I still dont know for sure what all IT entailed.


Many will swear on their parents lives, their childrens lives, even the bible. My wife swore on the bible and her saying was God is her witness. Many will shed crocodile tears. Tears mean nothing by themselves.



bbwxqx said:


> I really need to get all my feelings out in the open. I did talk to two councilors one of which she went to but decided she didnt like her and refused to go back after a couple of visits. The second I went to by myself and found out that she was talking with this guy the whole time I was at the councilor! That was last April.


This is why you must make MC a condition for R. You need to make this a non negotioable boundary. But you need to find out for sure if there is nothing going on or not. MC is useless while she is in the affair as you found out.



bbwxqx said:


> Again the last known activity was in August of last year so it has been quite some time. The problem lies with the fact that it has been that long and I still feel this way. Make sense?
> 
> I plan on talking with her and getting this out in the open.


Makes perfect sense because she has not done anything to rebuild trust. That's why you feel that way. You may also feel that way because your gut is screaming at you that something may be going on at work. You need to play detective, or possibly hire a PI yourself so you can get confirmation of the existence or non existence of an A. 

If there's nothing going on, then you need to be firm on your requirements for R. You are a prime example of what happens when you try to R too fast with a WS that has done nothing to meet the requirements for R. 

It doesn't work when you rug sweep, does it? I feel for you, being this far out from DDay, you should at least have healed a little, if not more.


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## bbwxqx (Jun 19, 2011)

Well I finally had a talk with her. I am having a really hard time just trusting her. I feel like I am carrying an anchor with a bungee cord. When the anchor sticks I am fine. But as soon as the bungee cord stretches too far the anchor of emotion slams me and I feel like crap again.
I was able to talk with her for a good while though she was annoyed at my questions. I just don't know if it really helped anything. My general feeling is that she is sorry that it happened but I think she is also sad that its over. For example, "she has a tweet she favorited on her twitter account that says: Sometimes goodbye is a second chance but sometimes goodbye is just a painful, heartbreaking goodbye, nothing else." I asked her about this and she said it was referring to her old best friend that she lost over this. To me that's BS and I think its referring to the OM.

We just came back from vacation and everything went fine as far as we are concerned. However, our vacation last year went the same way only to find out later she was still doing it just with another secret account.

There are so many lies, too many parallels for me to just ignore. She worked last night and I couldn't help thinking all night about this as this was when she used to do ALL her "business"

So what the hell is the matter with me? I know I am mad at myself. If I could have done things differently I would have. Towards the end of things last year I more than threatened to leave more than once. The last time I had my bag packed, ready to go had it in the car even, only to get interrupted by her friend calling me asking me what I was doing. As I was talking to her my wife left work to intercept me. Found out later the friend told her I was leaving.

I should have left, I am worth more than this. Now how I feel at times is angry with myself, disrespected by my wife, and used. I have told her that I would not go through this again and our marriage would not survive it. I dont believe she really understands what she did or put me through.

During our talk (when talking about the OM) she said well you got your revenge and told him everything. I dont consider it revenge. I just did something I should have done months before by telling him she was married with kids etc... However, its the fact she continued the EA with him after I thought it was over and I didn't know it for literally months and that it took me to kill it not her. How much longer would this have gone on? I don't know I still dont have that answer. It pisses me off to think that after all I tried to do to fix our relationship she continued to do this behind my back. Who does this and still respects their spouse?

I think this Friday I want to just get her away from the kids and demand we get it all out. She works nights until Thursday so she is sleeping all day.

So many mixed signals here. She acts as if everything is fine. Tells me she loves me, etc. But she did a lot of that as well last year. What the hell? Is it worth talking it out again? Am I the problem just not willing/able to let it go or what?

I know I am long winded I just need to get all this off my chest.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Looks like she is still not owning up to the affair and still blame shifting. Very little to no remorse at all. This is why you have not healed or at least begun to heal. This is festering inside you. Have you thought about MC? Your WW is STILL rugsweeping. Here is a table that I saw at another infidelity support site posted by someone else. I thought it was good, so I will not take credit for it. Here is the guide.










You cannot R if she is not remorseful and transparent. Her willingly being transparent is what helps rebuild trust. If she's not willing to be transparent, then I don't see much hope for you. Your resentment will continue to build up and you will leave sooner or later.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey BBW---YOUR WIFE IS NOT SHOWING TRUE REAL REMORSE-----if she was truly, completely remorseful, and contrite---SHE WOULD ANSWER EVERYTHING, DISCUSS EVERYTHING, AND NOT GET PO'd, about what you wanna know

Your wife is still fighting you---

What is real reason she keeps you from leaving----cuz she doesn't wanna go out into the world, as a single, divorced, woman with a label of cheater

She would have to work more than one job to support herself, there will be no one out there who will take care of her as you do---and what is available out there is NOT MUCH----and she knows all that---so she does what is necessary to keep you in in the mge----but is she doing just the bare minimum

She should not be allowed on any social website---no twitter, no facebook, no texts, NONE OF THAT----if she WERE TRULY REMORSEFUL, SHE WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH GETTING RID OF ALL THESE SOCIAL METHODS OF CONTACTING OTHERS

If you are gonna converse with your wife---let her know in no uncertain terms, she is doing the bare minimum, in re: to making this mge work

Let her know you are miserable, and you do not intend to stay in a mge., where misery abounds

Once again you have tremendous leverage----cuz SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE DIVORCED----use your leverage!!!!!!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> _*So what the hell is the matter with me? I know I am mad at myself*_. If I could have done things differently I would have. Towards the end of things last year I more than threatened to leave more than once. The last time I had my bag packed, ready to go had it in the car even, only to get interrupted by her friend calling me asking me what I was doing. As I was talking to her my wife left work to intercept me. Found out later the friend told her I was leaving.
> 
> _*I should have left, I am worth more than this. Now how I feel at times is angry with myself, disrespected by my wife, and used.*_ I have told her that I would not go through this again and our marriage would not survive it. *I don't believe she really understands what she did or put me through*.


So what is stopping you?

Your healing comes FIRST, even before your marriage. If staying married keeps you from emotionally healing, then you should leave.

We get married not simply because we love that person with all our being, but also because *we TRUST* that person above all others. Love cannot take the place of trust once its gone.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Both love and trust can be rebuilt. But it takes BOTH of you. SHe's obviously not ready and you need to tell her that. Until she is ready to do what is necessary, you can't fix it. If you are interested in R, don't lay out all of the things she has to do until she indicates a strong desire to R. Think about it this way, if you do, you asking for a lot of restrictions and compliance - a list of demands with a hard road of pain to work through. If she's not ready, doing that will have her asking herself "why should I do this when I can have fun and continue with OP with no constraints or pain?" Save the requirements for when she shows a strong willingness to R. ANd tell her that she is not ready in your mind and until she is separation is the only option with eventual D. You can't stay in limbo forever waiting on her with your heart in shreds on the floor.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I would suggest you go to website called beyondaffairs.com Click on the seminars tab and then the teleseminars tab and browse the list and listen to as many as you can. Lot's of really good healing information there and also suggestions for working with your WS. As can be expected, the push their services a lot but there is a a lot great info there. I listen to them in my car using my iphone connected to the car. There are also BAN network meetings shown on the home page for a lot of cities that are free and the teleseminars are free to attend if you register. Please check them out and let us know what think.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Like it or not, rug-sweeping is the preferred choice of many DS. That is why its important for him to consider taking away that choice from her and informing her that until she is serious, the marriage is on a probationary period and that he is emotionally detaching. And nothing helps to emotionally detach like separating.

As I said before, his emotional recovery comes FIRST no matter what the outcome of the marriage.


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