# Why Can't I Walk Out The Door?



## BigChangas

I have been married to my wife for 13 years now. We have a 10 year old son, and for the most part we have a good life. Although, my wife and I have had problems over the years in which, every time I try to communicate with her about any hard topic she shuts down, and goes into anger mode. She then becomes very verbally abusive, and starts yelling at me, informing me she wants a divorce, or telling me other hurtful comments - an example - You are not a man, you are a loser, you are worthless, etc. She tells that is the way she feels but, she make "you are" statements, and not "I feel like" statements. Over time I have learned she gets easily irritated typically the same times every month. Normally, when she gets angry I try to calm her down the best I can, or leave the room. Typically, the next day she pretends like nothing happened trying to kiss me, and whatnot. I admit there has been several times over the years where I responded to all her craziness in a negative way, and I admit I am wrong for doing so. When I first got into this relationship I felt like we were equals to a certain degree but, over time things have escalated, and now she has more control over my life than I am comfortable with. I have feel I made a big mistake by not setting any boundaries for fear of arguing with her, and hearing her verbal abuse. I let this woman walk all over me because I have a fear of hurting my son, and of being alone if I left. I don't believe she wants a divorce but, I don't think she really understands the power of her words, and the effect she is having on my mental and emotional well being. She does not know how to manage her emotions very effectively, and she always connects her behavior with whatever she thinks I did to her. I have told her several times there is no reason to verbally abuse me because she is angry, and unless she can communicate in a healthy way we will more than likely not be able to solve the many problems we face on a daily basis. My wife's inability to recognize the role she plays in all this is really hurting our marriage. I know I am not perfect, and I want to accommodate her needs any way I can. I schedule another appt for marriage therapy, and I have been told by my therapist that when she gets angry to walk away, and talk to her another time. The problem with that suggestion is when I speak with her again she still wants to yell, assassinate my character, and do the same thi g she did when I spoke to her the first time. I don't feel like ther has been any progress with the marriage therapy and I feel really defeated. All I ask of my wife is when she gets angry to manage her emotions in a healthy way. She is choosing not to do that, and I feel my only option is to move out, and go down the sad road of divorce. I grew up in a single parent household and this is worst fear. I would like to leave but, I keep holding on. Any suggestions?


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## Andy1001

Print out divorce papers off the internet. The next time your wife mentions divorce or insults you, just hand her the divorce paperwork and walk away. 
You need to draw a line in the sand and using your son as an excuse to stay married is wrong.


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## Mr.Married

Your going to be walking on eggshells the rest of your life with her. The dynamic is already set in stone. Having personal boundaries of what you will and wont except in life is
part of being a healthy adult. Power struggles don't have to be struggles. Letting your wife destroy your self character is an emotional killer. Learn to stand up for yourself.

Something that might apply to you ..... Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.

With that said ..... you say it is once a month. Do you think it is her monthly cycle making her crazy ? Hormone driven? Still no excuse but something to look into.


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## delupt

You simply threatening divorce is pointless as she plays that empty threat constantly (in order to control you). A bad marriage is worse for kids than a divorce, no matter how acrimonious. You need to change the dynamic or divorce.

Assuming she doesn't have a personality disorder (but very possible from what you say), I suggest an ultimatum. Get your son staying with friends for two nights and then give her 2 options:

1. An end to the abusive behavior plus marriage counselling (have a list of clinical psychologists printed out).

2. Divorce papers ready to be taken to her lawyer

Deliver the ultimatum and leave the house for 2 nights without giving her chance to respond to give her time to process. No contact.

It might all explode in which case you divorce (long overdue?). In the small chance that she sees reality, then counselling may save your marriage (but you need to do the NMMNG stuff and improve your boundaries). If she's not disordered, there is a chance to save this.


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## hubbyintrubby

If you're anything like me, and it sounds like you're at least somewhat like me, you lack boundaries. And even if you think you do have boundaries, or even the rough outlines of a boundary or two, you're probably not very good at adhering to them or enforcing them the way they should be enforced. Once you set a hard, firm boundary with your wife, and you stick to it and do what you say you're going to do in that boundary, your wife will learn what she can and cannot get away with. I'm not saying that will "fix" everything or those situations to be more specific, but it will lay a foundation of self-respect for yourself in what you will allow and what you will not allow when it comes to abusive behavior towards yourself.


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## SunCMars

The only question for you should be:

Divorce, sooner or later?
Divorce takes some time and planning.

I assume that you are in your mid-thirties. That is plenty young enough to start a new, very fulfilling life with a stable minded lady.

We all get anxious and upset. We do not belittle our spouse over every little hiccup in the marriage.

Her acting out this way is telling you something.

Those things:

She is miserable, likely, the reasons have little to nothing to do with you. 
She is not happy with her present life, her situation, her social setting.
She is comparing you to someone else. A common thing. She sees that person as superior, even though she has no deep knowledge of that person (man).
She lashes out at the closest person to her. You are, by default, her punching bag.
She is projecting her own felt self-worth onto you. She feels worthless.
She is a narcissist. Or has those qualities, including having little empathy and compassion for others.
She knows she is wrong in speaking like this, but does not have the decency to stop doing it and to apologize, later. 
She had a poor upbringing.
She is purposely driving you out of her life. Not doing so with her conscious mind, rather from her unconscious thoughts that bubble up and escapes her lips. Not unlike a Tourettes type reflex. Certainly, a Plutonian outburst.

Conclusion:

She will not get any better.
You will only get worse.

You are her husband, not her psychiatrist.

Leave her.

Not with hate or malice, rather for your own piece of mind.

Life is short, wonderful days lived always are in short supply. 
Living with this woman guarantees that someone else will get your allotted share.

Or..

You could insist she get on anti-anxiety drugs or the like and then live with what remains of a personality.
It certainly may be a better person. Can you, should you take the risk?
Plus, all the unpleasant side effects these meds 'might' bring about.
Chances are, she will refuse to be medicated. 

What is in it for you?

Read your marital contract. Does it say one should be a Martyr?

It does say 'through sickness and health', but she has to be willing to take the cure. 
And she isn't doing that, or so it seems.



And that leaves.....your marital leaves falling off, you leaving, being blown away by a kinder fate.



KB-


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## StillSearching

The only thing that you can change is you my friend.
Everything else is an exercise in futility and a waste of time.
You sound codependent to me, like I was.
Read " No more Mr Nice guy"
Read "The Rational Male"
Read "12 Rules for Life"

Time to start process of self construction and repair, so that you can make a positive change in you and your life. 
Spend some time on Youtube looking these things up....


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Preview some either hotels or kitchenette longer stay hotels/apts used by working men away from home for weeks on work projects, nice ones, see how long fina6you could leave, stay where you've already scoped out.

Next blow up, have pre ready items to throw in suitcase, head out, stating you've told her, now you've got to get out before maximum hostilities begin, you don't know how long.

Don't abandon son, let him tactfully know it's not him, and get out.

Don't threaten, just say and go.

It may bring perspective to all.

Best,


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## StarFires

The only way to deal with an abusive person is to leave. Even if you can't bring yourself to leave for good and can't imagine divorce, you have to leave with the intention of getting her attention and working on the marriage through counseling, obviously with a better therapist because NO therapist should tell their client to walk away from abuse and then revisit it later. S/He is a crappy therapist who doesn't know what they are doing.

So, resolve yourself to find temporary lodging. Begin individual counseling so you can sort your own self out and understand why you have no boundaries and keep tolerating your wife's abuse. Find a new marriage counselor (should be someone other than your individual counselor). In therapy, impress upon your wife that she has to also begin individual counseling or some type or batterer counseling.

That's an incremental approach without the finality you're unable to bring yourself to decide. Just a small step to help you get to the point where you can establish and exercise some kind of boundaries. Final decisions can be made later, but you have to make some kind of move now. Abuse victims always try to martyr themselves with the "for the kids" excuses not to take any action. Stop doing that because your son is too little to bear the weight of your problems that you're dumping on his shoulders. And you're not doing him any favors anyway by staying in an abusive marriage. He sees and hears what is going on, and THAT is what affects him the most. So if you don't have the nerve to do anything about your problems, then there's really no point in complaining about them or claiming you're staying in it "for the kids" sake.


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## skerzoid

1. Could be bi-polar disorder, a mental illness where they are higher than a kite or lower than dirt. 

2. There are other possible mental disorders also that could be found.

3. Some women get mean after sex as an orgasm will throw off their mental chemistry. My wife does for a fact. She will be very irritable for a day after.

4. PMS?

5. Early onset menopause?

6. Postpartum depression or just general depression?

7. These are all bio-chemical possibilities. A woman's biochemistry is more complex than a man's generally. It has to be for child bearing.

8.. See a lawyer to find out your rights and possibilities.


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## 3Xnocharm

Are you doing therapy on your own? If so, is she aware that it is "marriage" therapy, and why doesnt she go? She is abusive, you and your son deserve better. Stop using him as the excuse to stay there, you are setting a terrible example by doing so. She may have some kind of undiagnosed personality or hormonal disorder, but if she is unwilling to seek a solution, there isnt much you can do to change her. Work on walking away when she goes out of control, and if she continues, walk away again.


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## Openminded

Fear of the unknown keeps many in dysfunctional marriages.


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## aquarius1

Ok. I am going to give you the perspective from the other side.
I spent many years being verbally angry with my H. I never called him a loser and stuff but my words were pretty harsh.
I went to anger management. It helped only a little.

I saw a Psych and was diagnosed with Bipolar II (not quite as bad as regular BP but irritability is a BIG part of it) and was put on appropriate medication.

Honestly what would have helped would have been what the folks here are suggesting. Please don't misunderstand. I am not blaming my husband for my terrible behaviour. But I would have straightened up hard if he had drawn his line in the sand, packed his bags and thrown divorce papers on the table. Even if it was temporary.

I had a similar situation with a friend who had endured me for several years before my diagnosis. She drew the line and tossed me out of her life when I stepped over it. I was devastated. But I grew up and took responsibility for my actions. We are still friends to this day.

People will treat you a certain way until you toughen up and put your foot down. Demand respect by enforcing consequences. Do the 180. Educate yourself on how to handle your son's feelings in this situation. You have very little to lose at this point. Except your dignity and self-respect.


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## BigChangas

Wow. Thank you all for your feedback, and suggestions. I didn't think I would get all the responses from this one post. Just to give everyone an update, we found a new therapist, and she is willing to go. After reading your posts it is confirmation of what I thought might be the case when it comes to the possiblity of my wife having a hormonal/mental health issue. I have long thought PART of the reason my wife is having severe mood swings, and anger outbursts are related to a hormonal disorder, or mental health issue. The reason for my hypothesis is due to the fact, the ratio between her anger/verbal abuse, and whatever she is angry about at the time is not balanced. Her anger to the problem ratio is really off. Sometimes she gets really angry over very trivial things 
- the volume being to high, I ate something she was saving to eat, etc. Also, her anger outburst are very cyclical, and occurs almost like clock-work every month around the same time. Her period of irritability last for about 1 to 1 1/2 weeks every month, and then she goes back to normal. I am not sure but, from what I can gather it seems to be happening just before, and right after "that time of the month" for her. Additionally, my wife has close family members who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression, and that could also be a factor with her as well. When discussing the possibility of a hormonal, or mental health issue being the problem it always goes back to me, and how I am causing the problem. Although, my wife is somewhat open to discussing with a medical professional the possibility of there being a problem with her hormones (I pitched the whole weight loss angle) but, she is not open to speaking with a mental health professional. I think my wife believes she will be less than, or weak if it is determined she is diagnosed with a mental health issue. She has stated that I will blame all our problems on the fact she has mental health issues if she get diagnosed. She thinks about all this in terms of control, and not in terms of love. I would never take advantage of my wife, and blame her for everything if it was determined she has some hormonal, or mental issue. 

Moreover, another factor in repairing this relationship (if it is possible) will be learning how to communicate. I stated this in my last post, I am not perfect, and I do things the wrong way some times. I am willing to admit I am part of the problem, and I want to work on myself in addition to working on this marriage. I believe even if my wife has a hormonal or mental health issue it will be half of the problem. My wife has grown up in a household where yelling and screaming is an acceptable way of communicating when her family (including herself) got angry. I know this because my mother-in-law has at times acted the same as my wife, and I have seen her verbally abuse other family members, and even myself one time. My wife is always connecting whatever the problem, or issue at hand is with her verbal abuse, & anger outburst. I keep telling her the issue we are discussing, and her verbal abuse are not mutually exclusive. I also try to explain when she gets angry her emotions, and feelings get elevated. This is typically not the best time to discuss divorce (threaten my security), to bring up other non-related issues to try and hurt me, as well as the verbal abuse by making demeaning statements. She tells me this is how she feels but, I keep telling her if you were telling me how you feel then you would not be saying, "you are this" or "you are that", you be saying, "you make me feel this way, or that way". All the personal attacks, and verbal abuse has taken a toll on me mentally. Again, I am going to a new marriage therapist, and I, and hopefully my wife will go to separate therapist on our own. We both need to learn how to communicate in a health way, as well as learn how to manage our feelings more effectively no matter if we stay together, or I divorce her. 

All-in-all, this all has to stop no matter what the issue is. Over time this has impacted my son, and myself mentally, and emotionally, and if my wife is not willing to acknowledge her roll in this situation then I will be divorcing her. We own a very successful business, and we both agreed to letting her pay the bills for our business, and for our personal expenses. My wife has recently done some things that make me think she is now trying to take control of my finances, and I believe she is trying to limit my access to our money. The only reason I agreed to her handling our finances for fear of having her blow up which, normally happens when we talk about money, & our finances. I am at a point if I let her back me into a corner with the finances I could literally have no money to leave. I hope this therapy session tomorrow is going to help. Again, thank you all for posting on this feed, and for the suggestions. I will give you an update in the near future. Hopefully, I can get through this, gain some wisdom, and be a contributor on this forum.


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## BigChangas

Sorry for the really long post.


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## aquarius1

BigChangas said:


> Although, my wife is somewhat open to discussing with a medical professional the possibility of there being a problem with her hormones (I pitched the whole weight loss angle) but, she is not open to speaking with a mental health professional. I think my wife believes she will be less than, or weak if it is determined she is diagnosed with a mental health issue. She has stated that I will blame all our problems on the fact she has mental health issues if she get diagnosed. She thinks about all this in terms of control, and not in terms of love. I would never take advantage of my wife, and blame her for everything if it was determined she has some hormonal, or mental issue.


Your wife is not far off the mark with this concern. I fought this for several years with my H and my doctors as well as every time I had to get emergency care for something unrelated.

As soon as they saw the drugs that I was on, some attributed all my problems to my "mental health issues" It can be an easy escape for the person involved, but is cruel because it invalidates the feelings/needs of the sufferer. e.g. Went to ER because I had miserable gut pain. Apparently its my "mental health issues" After 2nd visit another doc ordered tests. Let's just say it wasn't my mental health issues but a real life medical issue that required medication and almost progressed to surgery. 'nuff said
It's not weakness to have mental health issues, but it is often perceived that way in society and is also a very common misconception of the sufferer.

She may be suffering from PMDD in which case an anti-depressant would be prescribed anyways because certain ones have other effects and are specially indicated for PMDD.

Please remind me, how old is your wife?


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## 3Xnocharm

aquarius1 said:


> She may be suffering from PMDD in which case an anti-depressant would be prescribed anyways because certain ones have other effects and are specially indicated for PMDD.
> 
> Please remind me, how old is your wife?


My thought was possibly PMDD as well. My sister had it for years, she would go off the rails once a month and my poor BIL got the brunt of it. She got on meds for it and couldnt believe how much better and more normal she felt.


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## BigChangas

My wife is 39 years old. We discussed PMDD with her general physician. In the past she had some medical issues with her lower back. When she had an MRI for her lower back the doctor told us she had cysts on her uterus in which, my understanding is the cause of PMDD. We told this to our general physician, and he prescribed my wife Metformin. Since then there has really been no change in her behavior. Also, she recently had an ultrasound of her uterus and they found no cyst on her uterus. I did think it was PMDD but, I am not sure now. I did not go to her follow-up appointment and she does not ask the questions she needs to ask. In relation to your post, she does have a lot of stomach pains. She thinks it is ulcers but, I am not sure. I keep telling her she needs to get it checked out.


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## BigChangas

My wife is 39 years old. We discussed PMDD with her general physician. In the past she had some medical issues with her lower back. When she had an MRI for her lower back the doctor told us she had cysts on her uterus in which, my understanding is the cause of PMDD. We told this to our general physician, and he prescribed my wife Metformin. Since then there has really been no change in her behavior. Also, she recently had an ultrasound of her uterus and they found no cyst on her uterus. I did think it was PMDD but, I am not sure now. I did not go to her follow-up appointment and she does not ask the questions she needs to ask. In relation to your post, she does have a lot of stomach pains. She thinks it is ulcers but, I am not sure. I keep telling her she needs to get it checked out.


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## aquarius1

BigChangas said:


> My wife is 39 years old. We discussed PMDD with her general physician. In the past she had some medical issues with her lower back. When she had an MRI for her lower back the doctor told us she had cysts on her uterus in which, my understanding is the cause of PMDD. We told this to our general physician, and he prescribed my wife Metformin. Since then there has really been no change in her behavior. Also, she recently had an ultrasound of her uterus and they found no cyst on her uterus. I did think it was PMDD but, I am not sure now. I did not go to her follow-up appointment and she does not ask the questions she needs to ask. In relation to your post, she does have a lot of stomach pains. She thinks it is ulcers but, I am not sure. I keep telling her she needs to get it checked out.


Interesting. Metformin is usually used for blood sugar control in Type II diabetes but is used "off-label" for both uterine fibroids and polycystic ovarian syndrome.. Both of these things can cause very wild PMS as they contribute to the erratic hormone levels experienced every month. The stomach pain may or may not be related. Does the stomach pain happen around the same time?
I would suggest she follow up, yes. It could be UF, PCOS or endometriosis, all of which can contribute heavily to PMDD. A possible outlier is the beginnings of menopause (its a 10 year journey folks!) Or it could be something TOTALLY unrelated and not medical at all.

This really needs to be investigated further. That said, I'm not sure where you are from. But I respect that medical costs for some can be a barrier. As a Canadian, we enjoy the benefits (and sorrows) of Universal Health Care. I realize that its not the case for everyone.

Step 1 get her back to her doctor. There may be a true medical cause for all of this. Please go with her. The doctor needs to understand the impact this is having on your family. Often that encourages them to dig deeper.

I'm not excusing her behaviour, and the damage is real to you and your child. You two need to learn to walk away from her right now, do NOT engage her during these times. You cannot change her behaviour, you can change yours. CHANGE YOURS. Even if it means putting an ultimatum on the table. Stop wishing that she wouldn't do this.
DEMAND BETTER for yourself and your child, even if that means she gets her a$$ to the doctor for further tests.

FYI my hormonal years were full of this type of nonsense. Strangely enough when I passed through menopause I became more clear headed, calmer and much much less angry. With all the garbage and chemicals and hormones in our environment now, who knows how we are affected?


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## SunCMars

aquarius1 said:


> Ok. I am going to give you the perspective from the other side.
> I spent many years being verbally angry with my H. I never called him a loser and stuff but my words were pretty harsh.
> I went to anger management. It helped only a little.
> 
> I saw a Psych and was diagnosed with Bipolar II (not quite as bad as regular BP but irritability is a BIG part of it) and was put on appropriate medication.
> 
> Honestly what would have helped would have been what the folks here are suggesting. Please don't misunderstand. I am not blaming my husband for my terrible behaviour. But I would have straightened up hard if he had drawn his line in the sand, packed his bags and thrown divorce papers on the table. Even if it was temporary.
> 
> I had a similar situation with a friend who had endured me for several years before my diagnosis. She drew the line and tossed me out of her life when I stepped over it. I was devastated. But I grew up and took responsibility for my actions. We are still friends to this day.
> 
> People will treat you a certain way until you toughen up and put your foot down. Demand respect by enforcing consequences. Do the 180. Educate yourself on how to handle your son's feelings in this situation. You have very little to lose at this point. Except your dignity and self-respect.


Thank you for sharing..

We are all made differently. Admitting that, and accepting that is just one hurdle. A big one.

Life is one long hurdle race. Most trip over some bars, rarely, over all of them.

KB-


www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jMlFXouPk8


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## 3Xnocharm

She needs to get on something specifically for the PMDD, if she is diagnosed with it. Prozac or Sarafem (same drug different dosing regimens) seems to be the go-to, at least to start out.


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## BigChangas

Are Prozac or Sarafem the go to drugs for PMDD? I thought the Metformin helps the most with hormonal imbalance. What type of doctor should I go to for PMDD? Also, what do you suggest I ask the doctor if I go to the appointment. I have tried to inquire about PMDD with our general physician, and he prescribed the Metformin, and sertraline (Zoloft) but, he did not prescribe Prozac or Sarafem. Any suggestions?


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## aquarius1

Sounds like your physician is well versed. Metformin shrinks the cysts and Zoloft is often the drug of choice in women. Zoloft is indicated for PMDD in some countries.
Report back to Dr. 
Drugs not working.
Next steps: Endocrinologist and/or Gynaecologist with focus on PMS/PMDD


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