# Please comment: kids, schedules, calendars, respect



## CrazyCatz (Jan 19, 2021)

I am separated. Divorce process has been started. Ex and I have 2 teens.

Teens move back and forth, no one is thrilled about the schedule. Ex and I agreed a year ago to a particular schedule, e.g. Mondays between 3 and 5 pm. 

Okay, that's all the background you need to answer my questions.

This is not a court ordered mandate (yet), this is what we agreed to. 

When they are with me, at 3:00 I remind the kids they need to get ready to go. I make sure they are at dad's house between 3 and 5. 
When they are with dad, he just waits for them to be ready to go. Rarely do they arrive before 5 pm. 

I have expressed frustration with this. Then everyone gets mad at me for being inflexible. 

What gives? If we agree on a day and time, shouldn't we try really hard to honor it??? Or (please give me your honest opinions here!) am I just uptight and need to relax about this stuff? I plan my day around a particular arrival time. I have dinner ready, I am waiting for my dinner guests to arrive, and they don't. I find this disrespectful. I have also always been a person who likes to be on time for things (appointments, commitments, etc). 

Thanks for your honest thoughts.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

This is why you need to get an all put in writing by a judge. And you'll have a lot more time and freedom if you go ahead and just insist he take 50% custody and you both have the same amount of weekend and weekdays with the children. You can't make him fix it unless you have a court order.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@CrazyCatz 

At your own description, the agreement is "Mondays between 3 and 5 pm" and then you say that "Rarely do they arrive before 5 pm." 

The agreement doesn't say "arrive at 3pm" or "arrive at 4pm"... it says between 3pm and 5pm and they arrive by 5pm. Okay it is the later end of 3-5pm, but it's still by 5pm.

Why don't you just assume they'll arrive "AT 5pm" or even "AT 5:30pm" so you aren't stressed and don't need to yell at your ex or the kids.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> get an all put in writing by a judge.


Right down to the nearest 5 minutes. When he comes, when he goes, when he is responsible for his children.

Right down to the nearest 5 cents. What he pays, what you pay, who covers the insurance, who gets what.


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## CrazyCatz (Jan 19, 2021)

@Affaircare They usually arrive after 5:00. Maybe it's not a big deal to some people, but I actually appreciate it when people keep an appointment time. 

@TJW ???


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

CrazyCatz said:


> @TJW ???


This way, if he is late, or short, it will be contempt of court, not contempt of you.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Well, when the kids get tired of cold suppers on exchange day, they might pressure their dad to get them to you earlier. But they are teens. Why not figure out a schedule that works better for all concerned, if no one is thrilled about the one you have now. Maybe do exchange day at school. One parent brings them to school, then they go home to the other parent's place that day.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TJW said:


> This way, if he is late, or short, it will be contempt of court, not contempt of you.


Think again if you think the court or a judge is going to care or find someone in "contempt" because TEENS are getting to the other parent's house at 5:30 instead of 5 and it's because the TEENS are dragging their asses (it's not like the other parent is withholding).

That's funny.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

CrazyCatz said:


> I am separated. Divorce process has been started. Ex and I have 2 teens.
> 
> Teens move back and forth, no one is thrilled about the schedule. Ex and I agreed a year ago to a particular schedule, e.g. Mondays between 3 and 5 pm.
> 
> ...


5 is really early for dinner for teens anyway. Why not push dinner to 6?


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

That actually seems like a lot of extra hassle, why not just have the kids go after school the parents house where they are going to spend the night? Wake up at dad's on Monday morning, go to school, then mom picks them up or they walk to mom's house. I'm confused on why they would bother returning to the other parents house after school. Seems like a waste of everyone's time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CrazyCatz said:


> I am separated. Divorce process has been started. Ex and I have 2 teens.
> 
> Teens move back and forth, no one is thrilled about the schedule. Ex and I agreed a year ago to a particular schedule, e.g. Mondays between 3 and 5 pm.
> 
> ...


If the time is between 3 and 5pm and they arrive at 5pm or slightly after how is that a real problem? Its not as if they are not arriving till 7 or 8pm. Dont sweat the small stuff. Have their meal at 6pm. Personally I would do the changeover at the weekend, say Sunday afternoon/evening rather that a school day. If they are a little late dont say a word and just welcome them.
Have they been asked what they would prefer about this whole custody thing?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Monday is a common transition day but usually children leave from one parent’s house for school in the morning and return to the other parent’s house after school. If there isn’t school, the transition time is usually in the morning instead of the afternoon. Are they being home-schooled due to COVID or whatever and that’s why there’s a two-hour afternoon window on Monday? Even with custody orders, usually one parent is less concerned about that than the other.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Livvie said:


> Think again if you think the court or a judge is going to care or find someone in "contempt" because TEENS are getting to the other parent's house at 5:30 instead of 5 and it's because the TEENS are dragging their asses (it's not like the other parent is withholding).
> 
> That's funny.


Had a friend who just went through this. The judge reamed him for wasting the courts time. No joke. Kids are teens, a half hour or so isn't a big deal as far as the court is concerned. In comparison to what they see co-parents do to each other or the kids on the regular this kind of stuff is not even on the radar.

OP, have you considered that your agreement isn't working and tried to come to an agreement that everyone can get behind?

If you have 50/50 then perhaps do the kid exchange less frequently so his tardiness will affect you less.

Or just simply adjust your 5pm dinner to 6pm because you know they're usually late.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with some others who suggest that the transition time be after school. That way your children go from school to your house directly. That was how we handled it on days when my son was in school.

On non-school days the parent my son was going to picked him up. So my ex would come to my house to pick up our son. And I'd go to his house to pick up my son for my time with my son.

If you keep the arrangements that you have, I think you need to accept that this is the way your ex is. You need to learn to relax about it. If this is the worst thing that you go through with shared parenting, you are blessed. Cook a dinner that can be served when they get there. Something like stew in a crock pot would work.


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## CrazyCatz (Jan 19, 2021)

The actual time or day or the transfer does not matter. My kids are teens. All schooling is remote. There's no school day. Much of the following discussion has become irrelevant. The point is that we had a day and time chosen and I'm the only one who actually seems to care about staying on the schedule. I think this has to do with respect. If you invite me to dinner and 6 and I show up at 3, that's disrespectful. If you invite me to dinner at 6 and I show up at 7, that's also disrespectful. If my ex and I and our two teens agree that transition from one house to another should be on Mondays at 10, or Wednesdays between 4 and 6, or Sundays at 4:32, we should try to make the transfer at those times, and not just show up whenever it happens to be convenient. If they want to make a change and say, hey mom, I can't come Sunday at 4:32, how about I'll try to be there at 8:45 instead, I'd say fine! But honestly, it's about picking a schedule and actually sticking with it or communicating changes in advance so we're not sitting around just waiting and wondering when they'll show up. 

FWIW, both my Ex and I tend to be people who are on time for appointments. Our kids don't give a hoot about times. I am trying to get them to be more aware of this (like, if your doctors appointment is at 2:00, you really need to be there at 2:00!), and I'm frustrated that my Ex is not encouraging them to be on time. Enough grumbling. I just need to keep talking with him about it, but it doesn't seem to do any good.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It sounds like you are blaming the wrong person here. Your ex is usually on time for appointments, but he's late bringing the kids because he waits for them to be ready. I hate fighting with my kids to get them out the door. He may not want to end the visit on a bad/grumpy note. 

Have you talked to your kids about this and why it's disrespectful? Given consequences for being late (like dinner being cold)?


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## CrazyCatz (Jan 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> It sounds like you are blaming the wrong person here. Your ex is usually on time for appointments, but he's late bringing the kids because he waits for them to be ready. I hate fighting with my kids to get them out the door. He may not want to end the visit on a bad/grumpy note.
> 
> Have you talked to your kids about this and why it's disrespectful? Given consequences for being late (like dinner being cold)?


Of course you're absolutely right here, he doesn't want to be the bad guy either, and it is definitely no fun feeling like you're nagging the kids to get ready. But basically they just play computer games until someone says "time to go." They've been over enough times with dinner just waiting for them in the fridge, that I think they don't particularly care about natural consequences like that. 

Yes, my kids know how to play the game, they just don't like to follow the rules. Transitions are tough, for all of us, no matter which way we're going. Transitions are tough. The end of one week, the start of another, different house, different pets, different parents, etc. I have told them how I feel and why I believe it's important to be on time. It still doesn't make it any easier.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CrazyCatz said:


> I am separated. Divorce process has been started. Ex and I have 2 teens.
> 
> Teens move back and forth, no one is thrilled about the schedule. Ex and I agreed a year ago to a particular schedule, e.g. Mondays between 3 and 5 pm.
> 
> ...


I think technically you are right, it's just that not everyone likes to live that way. Some people are just more lax with their time, and that can translate to everyone else's. Now is that disrespectful? I think this is more nuanced, as an example in my life I am much more strident about being on time when it comes to my professional life, but as far as my family start times are kind of just suggestions not exact times. We are all like this so it's not a problem. When I first got married my wife was a lot more regimented and it took her a while to understand that no one was offended by the way we are. When it comes to doing things with her family we much more structured.

You can feel disrespected but I am not sure that is going to change anything. How late are they, 10 mins, or like hours or what? Maybe there is a compromise, like asking them to give you a heads up if they are running late so you can plan accordingly. Or maybe you can have dinner ready later and give them a bigger window to arrive.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CrazyCatz said:


> The point is that we had a day and time chosen and I'm the only one who actually seems to care about staying on the schedule. I think this has to do with respect. If you invite me to dinner and 6 and I show up at 3, that's disrespectful.


And your entitled to feel that way, but obviously they don't. I assume you have told them this? If you have then they have taken it into account and decided they feel differently. But one thing that seems to be missing from your line of thinking is, THEY ARE TEENS. I mean this is their MO. Don't discount some of this is the normal progression of them trying to establish their independence. Which is a good thing because it may mean later when they have their own family and kids they may even revert to your way of thinking. But they may not, they may socially go along the lines of their father.

Soon they will be adults and if they stay like this, you will have to choose how offended you want to be and how far you will push this. Understand though your kids are not an outlier, not everyone is Vince Lombardi about time particularly when it comes to family functions like dinner. But again teenagers are especially prone to this.

A better tact might be try to find a compromise and give them a window, but that is up to you. You have to decide what battles you want to fight. In my mind communication and flexibility by everyone is better but this is your relationship.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I get it, I’m type A and regimented as well. And I think being late is disrespectful. But all you can do is control yourself. You can’t police anyone and make them change, especially an exH. 

Your so focused on the timing that your missing the Big picture. Soon your kids will be 18, and will be able to pick when and who they want to spend time with. 

It’s also important to show your kids to be flexible, kind and gracious when other people don’t live like you.


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## adbrush (5 mo ago)

I too went through a divorce and I understand how difficult it can be.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Zombie thread from 1.5 years ago.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Why do you have a 2 hour window? My custody agreement says by 6:30pm. And I drop them off at 6:29pm.


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