# I am at a loss!?!



## idontknowanymore (Aug 21, 2010)

Well, here I go. I actually feel somewhat guilty in posting this right now. However, I have to spill it before I go crazy...

I have known my wife for 20+ years, since kindergarten. I have always chased her and have been in love with her. We always did the break up / get back together bit for the longest time. Well, finally I had my chance again after she and her ex divorced.

We of course hit it off, right off the bat. Everything was great so we got married. When we moved in together, I noticed little things started to change. We argued about irrelevant things here and there. Any time I wanted to go do something that didnt include her it would become WWIII. It escalated to the point where she would dead bolt me out of the apartment, call the cops on me to try to manipulate me (which by the way, I never did anything wrong, and was never arrested or anything like that). She started to hit me and lose control of herself, it was a very volatile situation to say the least. I think it came to a head one night when she was bossing me around and being beligerant, (she was drinking) so i poured the rest of her drinks out, which in turn got me busted over the head with a wine cooler bottle. I coerced her out of the house then locked her out. She called the cops on me again and was arrested for domestic violence when they saw the dent in the back of my head. After her night in jail, i took her back. (I know you guys are probably shaking your head right now that I took her back, but it is what it is.) She was good for quite a while, and to date she has never hit me with any objects. 

Anyway, she still had / has control issues, and can not / will not back down from any arguement. If I go outside, she follows me, if i ignore her, she freaks out on me, and that can lead to her slapping me or what ever. I have threatened to have her arrested several times since then, but I dont have the heart to actually call the cops on her. 

Well, the thing with it all is, I would be willing to bet that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. And we have 2 kids now, (3 yrs & 4 Months) and I see her losing her temper with them as well. No where near as bad as she does with me, but she gets frustrated and swears around them and yells... stuff that is inexcusable. I have told her repeatedly that behavior like that is not ok around anyone especially little children. She had the gull to tell me this morning that she only does it when im around, because I bring out the worst in her. I know that is rediculous because I have a bizilion emails from her complaining about our 3 yr old. 

Also, I know im painting the bad stuff right now, she isnt always that way. When she isnt freaking out on me, she is a very loving caring person. She makes me laugh, and generally we get along great. I guess the problem lately is that her 'episodes' of negativity are getting more and more prevelant. And I am at the point where the bad out weighs the good. I have come to the conclusion that I cant change her... the only person that can control that is her. I did manage to talk her in to seeing a psychiatrist, she has an appointment on Monday. I would love to sit in on the appointment and possibly discuss this with the Dr but I know that isnt going to be allowed to happen. 

I feel like all she does is put me down lately. I started going to the gym about 8 months ago, and lost 30 lbs, (and im still 20 lbs over what I was when we got married) however, I am now 'too skinny' and all i do is work and go to the gym... She makes fun of me constantly about it. I know its because she self-loathes and because she is unhappy with her weight and she wont do anything about it. I NEVER remind her of her weight, but she claims that I do because she noticed that my 36in waist jeans doesnt fit me at all any more. Stuff like that. Also, name calling... I always prided myself on the fact that I have NEVER called her any names while fighting (unfortuneatly I did call her a B the last time we got in an argument which was the first time EVER) She laces me with every thing in the book. I feel like she is trying to push me over the edge so if I do call her a name or hit her back or whatever, then I am the bad husband and she is the victim. 

Its crazy, because if i were giving one of my friends out side looking in advice, i would definately tell them to get the divorce. The problem is, I have known and loved this girl most of my life, and I still have feelings for her. I am still emotionally involved... I think that I am too co-dependant on her. I have let her get away with so much stuff, and pretty much control me, alot of it was just to keep her happy... if mama is happy everybody is happy... well, like i said, mama really isnt happy at all any more and me and my kids are paying the price. 

With that being said, I also dont want to leave her high and dry... She has options if we do split. However, she refuses to get a job. I pay for the house the cars and all of the bills, to the point where we do live paycheck to paycheck. If I leave, I am too proud to pay for her to live in my house, drive my car, and spend all of my money... which granted is just enough to cover all the bills and buy groceries so its not like she going to be on a shopping spree or anything. But its just the concept... and that brings me to my next issue... I am soooooo selfish..... thats all she says. Now I do agree, I can be selfish... but come on... She acts like the only person I care about in the world is myself. Its disheartening, especially because of all the stuff I have done for her and the kids. 

I dont know what to do any more. She needs help, I probably should go talk to a psychologist myself to see what I should do on my end. I can go stay at my parents house, I know they will let me, I think that I should. But I think that if I do, my marriage is probably over. I feel like once you drag family in to it, its pretty much over at that point because its all out in the open. Surprisingly, I think her dad is the only person that might understand what is going on, although I have never came out and said it, he has even hinted around about how she acts. I can say with real honesty that 80% of the problems in our marriage is because of her actions/reactions, and about 20% of it is mine. She even agrees with that statement. She says Im not the man she married... She is right. How could I be, I feel like a war veteran, I used to be happy go lucky all the time, now I just feel like I have been through too much. I dont know what to do any more. I pretty much lost it this morning and told her that I hate who she has become, and that I love her but I dont like her, that I purposefully stay late at work, just to avoid being around her. And its true. I do love her, but I really dont like who she has become. I feel like her employee not her husband. 

I should stop ranting now. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Sorry for the short story.


----------



## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

So, she's going to counseling. That's a great first step for her. You also need help and the problem is never all one sided. Learning healthy boundaries, how to respond appropriately to her abuse, and clarifying if you truly want to stay with someone that treats you like that or not are all things I can think of off the top of my head that you might need some help with.

Go for separate counseling/therapy first and then start working some couples therapy in so you are both able to process and learn new tools with each other.


----------

