# Am I in the wrong… need help



## 4RCarr (Sep 27, 2021)

I will give a little back round on my marriage and what has led me here looking for advice. I am hoping that I can get some advice or see if someone else has been through this.

I am 35 and my wife is 39. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and together for 15. We have 3 kids 11, 17, 21. Our marriage has been pretty stale for about 3 years. We have always struggled with communicating with each other and holding in frustrations.

About 13 months ago we went out drinking with one of her friends. My wife told her to stay at our house. As we were all passing out things led to an unplanned 3-way initiated by the friend. All 3 were involved. I did let it go to far and payed more attention to the friend. She has felt like I cheated. I will admit that I alone let it go too far. The last year has been very up and down. Either great or not good at all for about 2 weeks. We separated about 5 weeks ago. We take turns staying at the marital home. I have wanted to stay married to my wife and make the marriage work

I recently found out that she has been having an affair and staying at the AP’s house. We did not agree to date other people. When I found out she got mad. She said it is 100% non physical. I brought it up multiple times before finding out about and she kept lying about it because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I told her I need some space from her for a this week and we can talk on Sunday. She said that I abandoned her this week.
Last night even though she didn’t want to talk I went off on her no screaming but it was very heated and I wasn’t nice like I normally am. She told me my actions this week are what is making me feel like a scum bag. She eventually shut down and wouldn’t talk. I told her even though I love her and want to be married to her I can’t do this.

Did I do the right thing or has anyone been in a similar situation? I’m hoping for advice and perspective from both male and female and either party from a similar situation. I really do love her and have beentrying really hard to fight for my marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

4RCarr said:


> I will give a little back round on my marriage and what has led me here looking for advice. I am hoping that I can get some advice or see if someone else has been through this.
> 
> I am 35 and my wife is 39. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and together for 15. We have 3 kids 11, 17, 21. Our marriage has been pretty stale for about 3 years. We have always struggled with communicating with each other and holding in frustrations.
> 
> ...


FYI there is exactly 0% chance that her affair hasn’t gone physical.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

I seriously doubt she has been repeatedly staying the night at some dude’s house(assuming it’s a guy) just for emotional support.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Of course it was physical (but don’t expect her to admit it). That was probably payback for you being with her friend (and the situation was predictable from the moment you said the two of you went drinking with her — alcohol is used as an excuse for many things that shouldn’t happen).


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

4RCarr said:


> I will give a little back round on my marriage and what has led me here looking for advice. I am hoping that I can get some advice or see if someone else has been through this.
> 
> I am 35 and my wife is 39. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and together for 15. We have 3 kids 11, 17, 21. Our marriage has been pretty stale for about 3 years. We have always struggled with communicating with each other and holding in frustrations.
> 
> ...


This is what happens when someone places so little value on their intimacy with their spouse that they will share it with someone else. You both share equally in this. Now your wife is living with another man, your marriage is over as far as I can tell.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your wife wanted to separate so she can test drive this dude without interference or hiding from you. Also, please be serious, their SEXUAL affair predates the separation and it has nothing to do with the threesome that you’ve allowed her to manipulate and guilt trip you with. 

Are any of the three kids yours biologically? If not, you should just bounce. As a 35 year old, you’re entering your peak demand years. It doesn’t make sense to stay with an adulterous 39 year old, when you can definitely be with a 29 to 32 year old that hasn’t betrayed you.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Could you explain the ages of those kids?


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## 4RCarr (Sep 27, 2021)

Are any of the three kids yours biologically? If not, you should just bounce. As a 35 year old, you’re entering your peak demand years. It doesn’t make sense to stay with an adulterous 39 year old, when you can definitely be with a 29 to 32 year old that hasn’t betrayed you.
[/QUOTE]

I adopted my older 2. The youngest is bio.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

From what I understand she is having an affair with the friend who is a woman (not a dude like others here are saying), correct? If so, is she bi? Has she always been bi?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When the threesome was starting to happen, you should have bowed out.
You didn't, you bowed in.

Doing that, you lost the moral high ground.

I see no happy ending with your wife over this (3-schlubs, your out), situation.

Accept your losses, move on.


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## 4RCarr (Sep 27, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> From what I understand she is having an affair with the friend who is a woman (not a dude like others here are saying), correct? If so, is she bi? Has she always been bi?


No, it with a guy. That I have never met.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

So do you want to save your marriage or divorce? Your answer will determine the advice you get.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

4RCarr said:


> No, it with a guy. That I have never met.


Which should prove to you that it has NOTHING to do with the threesome. She didn’t just start the affair when she left. The affair has been going on for much longer than you think and she is now test driving him for possible monkey branching. Very doubtful this dude wants a woman with 3 kids from 2 different men but that won’t stop him from future faking her to keep the wanton sex coming. 

Right now your wife is giving this guy the freakiest sex she can to get him to be willing to commit to her. Is that the wife you want back? File for divorce and have her served over this POS place.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

I am thinking the threesome was a set-up that her friend was in on, but not fully. Doubtful that the friend knew of the OM before, but I'd bet top dollar that she and your wife planned it. But your wife was doing it for the true purpose of breaking up, freeing her to be with her new man long enough to test drive him and see if he will have her full-time. You weren't supposed to find out that way you could be her backup plan.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you are asking how to talk and rationalize away her crazy - sorry no one can do that. 

This is really all about YOUR boundaries and limits and what you are willing to put up with.

If her getting down with some other dude and then blaming you for everything and refusing to take any accountability for her own actions, then you walk away and live your own life. 

Enforce your own boundaries and advocate for your own well being and best interests. You can’t talk her out of being nutty.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Thebth


jsmart said:


> Your wife wanted to separate so she can test drive this dude without interference or hiding from you. Also, please be serious, their SEXUAL affair predates the separation and it has nothing to do with the threesome that you’ve allowed her to manipulate and guilt trip you with.
> 
> Are any of the three kids yours biologically? If not, you should just bounce. As a 35 year old, you’re entering your peak demand years. It doesn’t make sense to stay with an adulterous 39 year old, when you can definitely be with a 29 to 32 year old that hasn’t betrayed you.


I really don't see why the ages matter. Why are some men so obsessed with having to go for younger women?
Two if the happiest marriages I know are between an older woman and younger man. In both cases 7 years difference.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Thebth
> 
> I really don't see why the ages matter. Why are some men so obsessed with having to go for younger women?
> Two if the happiest marriages I know are between an older woman and younger man. In both cases 7 years difference.


My wife is older by a few years and I wouldn't trade her for the world


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s with another man. You adopted her kids and this is your reward?
Yeah, I’d bounce. 

either way, you have no choice, because again, SHE’S WITH ANOTHER MAN!!!!!

what’s to think about? When your wife is living with another man, one divorces her.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Thebth
> 
> I really don't see why the ages matter. Why are some men so obsessed with having to go for younger women?
> Two if the happiest marriages I know are between an older woman and younger man. In both cases 7 years difference.


I was just confused by a 35 year old man having a 21 year old child.


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## 4RCarr (Sep 27, 2021)

GoldenR said:


> So do you want to save your marriage or divorce? Your answer will determine the advice you get.


Deep down I don’t want to lose her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Galabar01 said:


> I was just confused by a 35 year old man having a 21 year old child.


Yes, fair enough.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> My wife is older by a few years and I wouldn't trade her for the world


Well I am older too, only by a year though 😊


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

4RCarr said:


> Deep down I don’t want to lose her.


And if you act weak instead of decisive, you have no chance of keeping her. The more you chase, the further she will run.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

So sorry @4RCarr for what you are currently going through. I think you did nothing wrong. I would get very serious with her. I would say you are sorry what happen with her friend, but she was there as well and what she is doing is totally wrong and she knows it. I would tell her it stops now if there is any chance for you all to stay together. She can stay at the house or parents etc. but no more with the guy. I would ask her what she would thing if when you are away from the house you are staying with a woman. 

Finally, if as she says (ha,ha) nothing has happened you will begin trying to work everything out after she takes a polygraph to answer a few questions you will have ask about her relationship with this guy and if the poly proves she is telling the truth then you guys need to get into IC for a bit then MC. If what she is telling actually the truth she should have no problem with this and a refusal would to you be the same as a lie about what she has said. Best of luck!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Thebth
> 
> I really don't see why the ages matter. Why are some men so obsessed with having to go for younger women?
> Two if the happiest marriages I know are between an older woman and younger man. In both cases 7 years difference.


You don’t see a problem with a then 20 year old guy getting with a 24 year mother of 2? And then marrying her at the age of 22? 

Not only did he accept her with the other man’s kids, he actually adopts them. This is the reward he gets. Seen it way to many times. Guys who wife up single moms and adopt their kids get completely played at disturbing rates.

When he was 20 years old, he should’ve been dating childless women his age. There is a big emotional difference between a 20 year old guy and a 24 year old mother of 2.

Also, I didn’t say for him to go with some really young woman. I suggested women in his natural range. Some guys are ok with older women, more power to them, but it is not what the great majority of people have done through out human history.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

That 3some sounds like setup. What a perfect thing to use to manipulate and guilt you so that she can go get another man. Dude, I’d leave this woman.


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

4RCarr said:


> I will give a little back round on my marriage and what has led me here looking for advice. I am hoping that I can get some advice or see if someone else has been through this.
> 
> I am 35 and my wife is 39. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and together for 15. We have 3 kids 11, 17, 21. Our marriage has been pretty stale for about 3 years. We have always struggled with communicating with each other and holding in frustrations.
> 
> ...


I'm a little confused here. Your wife is or was upset about the threesome. I'm not asking for graphic details but what happened with the threesome. Was it initiated by your wife and friend? Was your wife an active participant or was it really a twosome with you and wife's friend and wife was left out? Is this something you and your wife talked about doing before this?

Reason I ask is your wife might of had her affair going on already and this was her excuse, at least to herself that it was ok.

I have no experience with threesomes but its a common fantasy that blows up on a lot of people if it becomes a reality. Once the deed happens the regrets start and relationships are destroyed.


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## 4RCarr (Sep 27, 2021)

Willnotbill said:


> I'm a little confused here. Your wife is or was upset about the threesome. I'm not asking for graphic details but what happened with the threesome. Was it initiated by your wife and friend? Was your wife an active participant or was it really a twosome with you and wife's friend and wife was left out? Is this something you and your wife talked about doing before this?
> 
> Reason I ask is your wife might of had her affair going on already and this was her excuse, at least to herself that it was ok.
> 
> I have no experience with threesomes but its a common fantasy that blows up on a lot of people if it becomes a reality. Once the deed happens the regrets start and relationships are destroyed.


My wife is upset up the 3-may. Her friend initiated it with me. I went to my wife and involved her. We were all involved for the beginning. My wife started to sit out. And I continued with the friend. I did not recognize that my wife was done. 
We had discussed it in the past even potentially with this person. We never had a “let’s do it” convo. or these are the boundaries.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

So she was upset about the threesome that she participated in and thinks it justifies her affair? You have to be pretty dense if you think that affair started when she separated to OMs place. She obviously thinks she has a possible future with this guy which is why she test driving him. Calling it a separation is to keep you in play as plan B. 

You should be seeing a lawyer yesterday. Have her served with d papers. For maximum effect, let them serve her at this guys place. Watch how fast he dumps her. You probably fear that it would just make it easier for him to take her but this guy is not looking for a woman with 3 kids from 2different men. The fun of banging someone else’s wife goes away once she’s fully available. Besides, I’d bet that your wife changes her tune real fast once plan b is not available because deep down, she’s unsure about the other guy. You know that to him, she’s just a free prostitute but in her fogged up head, he really cares about her. She needs a shock to wake her up. Also make sure you expose her to family, including her adult kids.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think you should just realize this was a losing ticket and move forward with your life as best you can. She is living with Another man, bro. Wake up and see things for what they are. 
And let’s get clear on this other thing, too. She didn’t get upset at you because of A three way she participated in. She just used that as an excuse to shack up with the guy she’s been seeing on the down low for a while now.
Gotta get those love goggles off and look at your wife the way she really is. You’ve been snookered. Don’t just stand there like a deer I’m the headlights. See an attorney.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

4RCarr said:


> Deep down I don’t want to lose her.


You need to get some self respect. A cheater like her is no prize that you need hold on to. Bow out, brother. Find yourself a decent woman. I'd even find a hotter one. You only feel the way you do now because she is all you have. Once you meet a better woman, you will be so happy that you walked away from this one. Trust me.

I will say this much, you did screw up with the 3some. Maybe the fallout from that made her feel some kinda way, maybe not. I have heard of a few people getting upset by just what you described. However, she is an adult and was a willing participant. If things didn't go the way she liked, that's not 100% your fault. Just something to keep in mind so you don't make the same mistake later.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

4RCarr said:


> I will give a little back round on my marriage and what has led me here looking for advice. I am hoping that I can get some advice or see if someone else has been through this.
> 
> I am 35 and my wife is 39. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and together for 15. We have 3 kids 11, 17, 21. Our marriage has been pretty stale for about 3 years. We have always struggled with communicating with each other and holding in frustrations.
> 
> About 13 months ago we went out drinking with one of her friends. My wife told her to stay at our house. As we were all passing out things led to an unplanned 3-way initiated by the friend. All 3 were involved. I did let it go to far and payed more attention to the friend. She has felt like I cheated. I will admit that I alone let it go too far. The last year has been very up and down. Either great or not good at all for about 2 weeks. We separated about 5 weeks ago. We take turns staying at the marital home. I have wanted to stay married to my wife and make the marriage work


At this point, the fault is both of yours. While you didn't stop it when you should have, neither did she. She has as much responsibility in that as you do. She can be seen as legitimate in complaining about you not paying proper attention to her, but that is as far as it goes and it still is not cheating.



> I recently found out that she has been having an affair and staying at the AP’s house. We did not agree to date other people. When I found out she got mad. She said it is 100% non physical. I brought it up multiple times before finding out about and she kept lying about it because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I told her I need some space from her for a this week and we can talk on Sunday. She said that I abandoned her this week.
> Last night even though she didn’t want to talk I went off on her no screaming but it was very heated and I wasn’t nice like I normally am. She told me my actions this week are what is making me feel like a scum bag. She eventually shut down and wouldn’t talk. I told her even though I love her and want to be married to her I can’t do this.
> 
> Did I do the right thing or has anyone been in a similar situation? I’m hoping for advice and perspective from both male and female and either party from a similar situation. I really do love her and have beentrying really hard to fight for my marriage.


At this point she is gaslighting you. While I am not absolving you of anything you did wrong, she is trying to blame her actions on you and make all that you do right (or at least not wrong) as if it were wrong. If she is not going to do counselling then I would give it up at this point.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Did you guys ever discuss possibly having a 3 way at some point? My question is, why was your wife so willing to participate in the 3 way so quickly, possibly without discussing it with you? I don't have all of the info yet, so I can't advise. Does she have bi-sexual tendencies, or had them in the past? I mean, in your wife's position, I would have been upset that you were giving most of your attention to my friend (proverbially speaking). So, she feels justified now in having the affair. Can't say I blame her. However, two wrongs don't make a right. If she is willing to put the 3 way behind her, and you're willing to put the affair behind you, you might have a shot. I don't know if she WANTS to work it out though. Have you talked about that?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Did you guys ever discuss possibly having a 3 way at some point? My question is, why was your wife so willing to participate in the 3 way so quickly, possibly without discussing it with you? I don't have all of the info yet, so I can't advise. Does she have bi-sexual tendencies, or had them in the past? I mean, in your wife's position, I would have been upset that you were giving most of your attention to my friend (proverbially speaking). So, she feels justified now in having the affair. Can't say I blame her. However, two wrongs don't make a right. If she is willing to put the 3 way behind her, and you're willing to put the affair behind you, you might have a shot. I don't know if she WANTS to work it out though. Have you talked about that?


You have the wrong impression on how this played out. They had discussed it, even discussed doing it with the other woman that was involved. What they didn't do is discuss boundaries. It seems that it was on their mind, but suddenly the opportunity arose when they weren't completely prepared. The wife had second thoughts part way through the act and tapped out. He and the other woman kept going. None of this excuses the cheating, she is solely to blame for that. 

I still say this is yet another example of why involving people other than your spouse is a terrible idea. I know that it works for some people, but very few. I feel like sharing my wife with someone else sends the message that our intimacy isn't anything special. It devalues her. The reverse is true if she were to share me with someone else. No thanks.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You have the wrong impression on how this played out. They had discussed it, even discussed doing it with the other woman that was involved. What they didn't do is discuss boundaries. It seems that it was on their mind, but suddenly the opportunity arose when they weren't completely prepared. The wife had second thoughts part way through the act and tapped out. He and the other woman kept going. None of this excuses the cheating, she is solely to blame for that.
> 
> I still say this is yet another example of why involving people other than your spouse is a terrible idea. I know that it works for some people, but very few. I feel like sharing my wife with someone else sends the message that our intimacy isn't anything special. It devalues her. The reverse is true if she were to share me with someone else. No thanks.


Ok, I didn't see the background story of this situation. But, while I agree that it is completely a terrible idea to do things like this, I am going to disagree with you on some points. The husband should have noticed the wife tapping out, and stopped immediately and sent the friend home, to try and salvage the marriage. But yes, I think they should have certainly discussed boundaries, even though sometimes they get caught up in the fantasy, that they don't realize what the boundaries should be until in the actual act, and then it brings about the jealousy component. 

I am also going to disagree with you that the cheating is her fault and only her fault. In her mind, she is justified b/c in her mind she feels like he cheated. And being that they didn't discuss boundaries (neither one of them), then I can see her point. She's certainly not right, but neither is he. Does it mean I agree with it? No. Do I care? Not really, it's not my life. BUT, I can certainly understand her feelings.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Ok, I didn't see the background story of this situation. But, while I agree that it is completely a terrible idea to do things like this, I am going to disagree with you on some points. The husband should have noticed the wife tapping out, and stopped immediately and sent the friend home, to try and salvage the marriage. But yes, I think they should have certainly discussed boundaries, even though sometimes they get caught up in the fantasy, that they don't realize what the boundaries should be until in the actual act, and then it brings about the jealousy component.
> 
> I am also going to disagree with you that the cheating is her fault and only her fault. In her mind, she is justified b/c in her mind she feels like he cheated. And being that they didn't discuss boundaries (neither one of them), then I can see her point. She's certainly not right, but neither is he. Does it mean I agree with it? No. Do I care? Not really, it's not my life. BUT, I can certainly understand her feelings.


You make good points. He should have recognized his wife's loss of interest and second thoughts. However, given they were drunk and in the middle of a threesome I don't think he had much clarity of thought at that moment.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You make good points. He should have recognized his wife's loss of interest and second thoughts. However, given they were drunk and in the middle of a threesome I don't think he had much clarity of thought at that moment.


I don't know about his clarity, I can't say. They all had a lapse in judgement, that's true. They're both going to have to learn to put both their mistakes behind them if they want to make it work. He seems to, I'm not so sure about her.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

GC1234 said:


> I don't know about his clarity, I can't say. They all had a lapse in judgement, that's true. They're both going to have to learn to put both their mistakes behind them if they want to make it work. He seems to, I'm not so sure about her.


Why are you equating a drunken threesome that she participated in and even discussed having before hand to her having an affair in which she’s living with the OM? The OP not stopping the threesome when his wife stopped participating is a mistake, his wife having an affair is premeditated. 

Also, please don’t tell me you think her affair started when they separated. This affair, with a guy the OP has never seen, has been going on for a while. A married mother doesn’t just move in with another man on day one of an affair.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Seems to me that OP just wanted to **** his wife’s friend and waa so focused on that he forgot about his wife. I don't understand why he's getting a pass on that. He pretty much started it with the friend and then decided to pull his wife in, but she clearly didn't matter that much or he'd have cared when she stopped participating. Involving the wife was simply a way around actually having an affair.

She's now living with another guy.

So as of now the marriage is over. I suppose if she dumps the other guy you could give it a shot but there's a lot of damage here.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Seems to me that OP just wanted to **** his wife’s friend and waa so focused on that he forgot about his wife. I don't understand why he's getting a pass on that. He pretty much started it with the friend and then decided to pull his wife in, but she clearly didn't matter that much or he'd have cared when she stopped participating. Involving the wife was simply a way around actually having an affair.
> 
> She's now living with another guy.
> 
> So as of now the marriage is over. I suppose if she dumps the other guy you could give it a shot but there's a lot of damage here.


I can't speak to what he was thinking at the time of the threesome, but for sure that is the day the marriage ended.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

jsmart said:


> Why are you equating a drunken threesome that she participated in and even discussed having before hand to her having an affair in which she’s living with the OM?


Because in both cases, boundaries were never discussed. I can't say if she was with the OM before, it may be that she was. It would seem that way. But the OP never got into that, that I could see. He may not even know. Hopefully he can reply and shed some light on that.


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## 4RCarr (Sep 27, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Because in both cases, boundaries were never discussed. I can't say if she was with the OM before, it may be that she was. It would seem that way. But the OP never got into that, that I could see. He may not even know. Hopefully he can reply and shed some light on that.


We never fully discussed the threesome. It was something my wife had brought up a few times. There is absolute regret that I feel for that night. The regret began the next day before I had even talked to my wife. I know the tree some was a bad idea.

As far as I know and what my wife has disclosed regarding the OM. She said their relationship started 4 weeks ago. Our separation started 5 weeks ago. I have had a knot in my stomach and been suspicious about something since the beginning of August. When we started the separation I consented to allow the space she needed so we both could work on ourselves. I told her I don’t plan on dating and I don’t think it would be a good idea for either us to do so right now as it would damage any progress we make with where we are going.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

4RCarr said:


> I told her I don’t plan on dating and I don’t think it would be a good idea for either us to do so right now as it would damage any progress we make with where we are going.


Sorry. It's too late. She's a step ahead of you.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

4RCarr said:


> I will give a little back round on my marriage and what has led me here looking for advice. I am hoping that I can get some advice or see if someone else has been through this.
> 
> I am 35 and my wife is 39. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and together for 15. We have 3 kids 11, 17, 21. Our marriage has been pretty stale for about 3 years. We have always struggled with communicating with each other and holding in frustrations.
> 
> ...



It sounds like she's one of those people for whom, it's NEVER their fault when things go wrong and it's ALWAYS 100% your fault. @4RCarr Is that the correct assessment of her attitude in your relationship in general?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

GC1234 said:


> Because in both cases, boundaries were never discussed. I can't say if she was with the OM before, it may be that she was. It would seem that way. But the OP never got into that, that I could see. He may not even know. Hopefully he can reply and shed some light on that.


The OP is in shock. He’s actually entertaining his wife saying nothing physical is happening with the guy she moved in with. 

What really stinks to me is that this guy has been with this woman since he was 20. Being with a 24 year mother of 2 is a lot for a 20 year old to take on. He didn’t have any life experience before jumping into an already formed family.

The imbalance in such a relationship was not healthy. He even adopted her kids as his own. How does his wife repay him? By betraying him once the oldest non bio kids are adults. Luckily for him, they are grown because in our so fair family court system, she would be able collect child support.

As for the threesome, yes it was a mistake to partake but he stopped and went and got his wife. Was it to have 2 girls or was it to not cheat on his wife? He doesn’t clarify. But does that not count for anything? Not sure if there are to many drunk guys that would stop while hot and heavy to make sure the wife is included.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

jsmart said:


> The OP is in shock. He’s actually entertaining his wife saying nothing physical is happening with the guy she moved in with.
> 
> What really stinks to me is that this guy has been with this woman since he was 20. Being with a 24 year mother of 2 is a lot for a 20 year old to take on. He didn’t have any life experience before jumping into an already formed family.
> 
> ...


DId I miss the memo? I didn't read any of that here. Is there another thread, or did I miss a post here? Listen, at the end of the day, it does seem like it was pre-meditated. And the OP shed light on it. They both agreed not to date other people, and she did anyway. Now I can say in that regard she is in the wrong.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

4RCarr said:


> We never fully discussed the threesome. It was something my wife had brought up a few times. There is absolute regret that I feel for that night. The regret began the next day before I had even talked to my wife. I know the tree some was a bad idea.
> 
> As far as I know and what my wife has disclosed regarding the OM. She said their relationship started 4 weeks ago. Our separation started 5 weeks ago. I have had a knot in my stomach and been suspicious about something since the beginning of August. When we started the separation I consented to allow the space she needed so we both could work on ourselves. I told her I don’t plan on dating and I don’t think it would be a good idea for either us to do so right now as it would damage any progress we make with where we are going.


Yeah I didn't realize all of this, that's why I didn't want to advise until I knew the details. So did you both agree you wouldn't date other people? Is that how I am understanding it? And she went and did it anyway? You can bet that it's physical.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

4RCarr said:


> We never fully discussed the threesome. It was something my wife had brought up a few times. There is absolute regret that I feel for that night. The regret began the next day before I had even talked to my wife. I know the tree some was a bad idea.
> 
> As far as I know and what my wife has disclosed regarding the OM. She said their relationship started 4 weeks ago. Our separation started 5 weeks ago. I have had a knot in my stomach and been suspicious about something since the beginning of August. When we started the separation I consented to allow the space she needed so we both could work on ourselves. I told her I don’t plan on dating and I don’t think it would be a good idea for either us to do so right now as it would damage any progress we make with where we are going.


Do you think a married mother is going to move in with a guy a week after separating? No dude, she moved out to be with him, to give their new relationship a true test drive. 

I really feel for you because you never had a chance to grow and mature at a normal rate. You threw yourself into a very mature situation at such a young age. Your wife does not value the sacrifices you made to be with her and even adopting her 2 kids. That she was the one bringing up threesomes, makes me think she probably has had other affairs or ONS’.

You’ve placed so much of your self worth into being a husband and father that you’re understandidly are having a hard time grasping that she’s gone. A wife moving in with another man should be a go straight to divorce situation. Yes it hurts but unfortunately, there is only one person that’s torn up about the destruction of the family. It’s you who gave up his life to be part of her family.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

GC1234 said:


> DId I miss the memo? I didn't read any of that here. Is there another thread, or did I miss a post here? Listen, at the end of the day, it does seem like it was pre-meditated. And the OP shed light on it. They both agreed not to date other people, and she did anyway. Now I can say in that regard she is in the wrong.


He’s 35 and has been with her for 15 years. He married her 2 years into their relationship. He said he adopted her 2 kids from a prior relationship. The info is there, I just did the math.

When there’s a young girl that gets with an older guy that already had a family, I always sound the alarm. It should be the same for a guy too.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jsmart said:


> He’s 35 and has been with her for 15 years. He married her 2 years into their relationship. He said he adopted her 2 kids from a prior relationship. The info is there, I just did the math.
> 
> When there’s a young girl that gets with an older guy that already had a family, I always sound the alarm. It should be the same for a guy too.


I agree with this. Youth with no baggage doesn’t mix well with anything but youth and no baggage.

My son is 20 and if he came home and told me he was marrying someone and adopting her kids I'd lose my ****. A 20 year old can't comprehend what they're taking on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@4RCarr Sorry you are in this messy situation.

Who are the children staying with?

Do you think that the threesome was arranged by your wife and that she backed off in order for it to look like it was your fault for being too into her friend? To sort of give her an excuse for having another man? A fake revenge affair, if you will? A bit of a stretch at a year, but still a possibility?

I'd suggest couple's counselling but not until her cheating is over.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @4RCarr Sorry you are in this messy situation.
> 
> Who are the children staying with?
> 
> ...


Boy, that scenario is certainly possible, but that means his wife is one devious *****.

@4RCarr Have you talked to the other woman from your threesome since that night? Is your wife still friends with her? I would think if she is PO'ed at you for what happened, she should be PO'ed at her too. If not, something is definitely not right.


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## 4RCarr (Sep 27, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Boy, that scenario is certainly possible, but that means his wife is one devious ***.
> 
> @4RCarr Have you talked to the other woman from your threesome since that night? Is your wife still friends with her? I would think if she is PO'ed at you for what happened, she should be PO'ed at her too. If not, something is definitely not right.


I cut off all contact with the OW the day after with no influence from my wife. Have not seen or talked to OW. About 5 days after the 3 some wife told me that to OW and her husband wanted us to go out with them. I told her I did not want to see them again. My wife has not had contact with her other than a couple random run ins.
There have been a few other people that have suggested my wife planned this. I don’t think she did. I don’t necessarily believe that her EA is only emotional.
She has accused me of having an affair and side chicks and doesn’t believe that I haven’t. I have not. The 3-way was absolutely a bad idea to allow. I told her I would take a polygraph to prove it. But at this point it is only important to me and god that I have not.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You had a sexual affair with her friend and house guest. Not sure you have any grounds on which to accuse, and the fact you did that all together pretty much does say you have an open marriage or at least sets the precedent. So don't expect her to be any holier than you are.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

4RCarr said:


> I cut off all contact with the OW the day after with no influence from my wife. Have not seen or talked to OW. About 5 days after the 3 some wife told me that to OW and her husband wanted us to go out with them. I told her I did not want to see them again. My wife has not had contact with her other than a couple random run ins.
> There have been a few other people that have suggested my wife planned this. I don’t think she did. I don’t necessarily believe that her EA is only emotional.
> She has accused me of having an affair and side chicks and doesn’t believe that I haven’t. I have not. The 3-way was absolutely a bad idea to allow. I told her I would take a polygraph to prove it. But at this point it is only important to me and god that I have not.


It may not have been planned but it is an awfully convenient excuse. Just like accusing you of cheating previously. That combined with her moving in with a guy after supposedly only knowing him for 1 week leads me to believe she has just been searching for a convenient and solid enough excuse to bail on the marriage. Really sad.

Maybe suggest you both take a polygraph. You to prove you haven't been intimate with anyone other than the threesome and she do the same. Has your wife given any indication that she wants to try to fix your marriage? What does she want?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The other woman has a husband? Where was he when that was going on? Does he know? You and your wife have now discovered the potential problems when fantasies become reality. She may get tired of the new guy eventually and decide to try again with you but she may not so I suggest you move on (and don’t make the same mistake next time).


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

4RCarr said:


> Deep down I don’t want to lose her.


Sounds like you already have.

This has nothing to do with the threesome the two of you had. I am guessing your wife went along with it and was mad afterwards. I also doubt her friend would have started it without your wife knowing.

Stop leaving your home. If your cheating wife wants a separation then she can leave. Do not move out of your home. It can be used against you if you do. Talk with a lawyer about what your options are.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

4RCarr said:


> I cut off all contact with the OW the day after with no influence from my wife. Have not seen or talked to OW. About 5 days after the 3 some wife told me that to OW and her husband wanted us to go out with them. I told her I did not want to see them again. My wife has not had contact with her other than a couple random run ins.
> There have been a few other people that have suggested my wife planned this. I don’t think she did. I don’t necessarily believe that her EA is only emotional.
> She has accused me of having an affair and side chicks and doesn’t believe that I haven’t. I have not. The 3-way was absolutely a bad idea to allow. I told her I would take a polygraph to prove it. But at this point it is only important to me and god that I have not.


So OW was/is married?

Classy.

Is her husband aware of the threesome?


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## 4RCarr (Sep 27, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> So OW was/is married?
> 
> Classy.
> 
> Is her husband aware of the threesome?


Yes he is aware. They have an open marriage.


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## 4RCarr (Sep 27, 2021)

4RCarr said:


> Yes he is aware. They have an open marriage.


There are things, not sexual, prior to the threesome happening that made the situation very confusing. Does not make the situation right.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

4RCarr said:


> There have been a few other people that have suggested my wife planned this. I don’t think she did. I don’t necessarily believe that her EA is only emotional.
> She has accused me of having an affair and side chicks and doesn’t believe that I haven’t. I have not. The 3-way was absolutely a bad idea to allow. I told her I would take a polygraph to prove it. But at this point it is only important to me and god that I have not.





4RCarr said:


> There are things, not sexual, prior to the threesome happening that made the situation very confusing. Does not make the situation right.


@4RCarr, It is completely understandable that you want to keep the details away to protect your anonymity online. However, without the details the nuances of the situation won't be clear to us here. So, it'd be helpful if you can provide additional details without harming your anonymity. I understand that it is a fine balance and it's better safe than to be sorry. So, whatever you decide would be the right choice in this case.

The things that were non-sexual which happened prior to the threesome could help shed additional light on this situation here. 

First of all, I don't think that your wife is having an EA. I don't think that she's staying at this guys place for at least last five days and singing kumbayah in the backyard. 

This is my guess which could be widely off the mark: I think her accusation of you having an affair and side chicks could very well be projection. She was doing it so she thought that you may be doing it as well. Or it's also possible that she was saying all this to throw you off the scent of what she has been doing. Especially you mentioned that things were icky/iffy since August. So, you had your intuition/gut feeling. 

I think at this point it's not up to YOU to convince that she's having a physical affair. it is up to HER to convince you that she's NOT having a physical affair. 

Even if she's not having a physical affair (which I think is very much happening) she most certainly having an emotional affair as you mentioned. Since you mentioned that you guys are in a monogamous relationship, won't having the emotional affair be a problem?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

4RCarr said:


> There are things, not sexual, prior to the threesome happening that made the situation very confusing. Does not make the situation right.


Care to elaborate? Those details could be important.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Get your finances in order. Do you own or rent? Are the two older kids living at home? Do they know? Are they planning on moving with their mom? Your younger bio kid, should live with you. Let your stbx live the single life that she so desires.

A wife that’s bringing up threesomes multiple times is a red flag. That her friend had an open marriage means that she probably influenced her in that direction. Her friend initiating sex with you could be a sign that she has already had a threesome with your wife and her husband. She may have just been getting some in return.

Do not leave the home. She’s showing you through her actions that you and the kids aren’t important. Leaving the family home as well as the kids, is all the proof you need. Btw, how is your bio kid? Is he hurt that mom left? Leaving for over a month and counting is really way out there for a “mother”.


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## 4RCarr (Sep 27, 2021)

Asterix said:


> @4RCarr, It is completely understandable that you want to keep the details away to protect your anonymity online. However, without the details the nuances of the situation won't be clear to us here. So, it'd be helpful if you can provide additional details without harming your anonymity. I understand that it is a fine balance and it's better safe than to be sorry. So, whatever you decide would be the right choice in this case.
> 
> The things that were non-sexual which happened prior to the threesome could help shed additional light on this situation here.
> 
> ...


My wife had brought up a few times swapping with them. There was a night that they OW/spouse/wife had gone out and I met up with them when I was off work. That night was very awkward and uncomfortable with me. Wife and other husband “OH” kept insisting I get close to OW. My wife and OH were very touchy. Prior to me meeting up with them wife text me to let me know they were gonna spend the night. “If I know what she means”. I told her privately while we were out. I did not want anything going further and did not like what was going on. Honestly that has probably the only time I had actually said something. I should have been speaking up a lot more.

There was another time that involved kissing. Wife and OH told OW and I we should kiss since they just did. I was very hesitant about it. The OW grabbed me and we kissed.

My wife’s current affair is not involved with them. There may have been something in the past but as of now it is not. Ethically her current affair can ruin her career, physical or not. Not just her job but her career. She asked me to not share any details about it with my counselor. It is not something I am willing to do to her. I will not elaborate on what she does. She has know this individual for a while. She said their relationship started after he over heard her talking about our separation with another person.
I will answer questions but will be guarded on how my wife met her AP.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

4RCarr said:


> My wife had brought up a few times swapping with them. There was a night that they OW/spouse/wife had gone out and I met up with them when I was off work. That night was very awkward and uncomfortable with me. Wife and other husband “OH” kept insisting I get close to OW. My wife and OH were very touchy. Prior to me meeting up with them wife text me to let me know they were gonna spend the night. “If I know what she means”. I told her privately while we were out. I did not want anything going further and did not like what was going on. Honestly that has probably the only time I had actually said something. I should have been speaking up a lot more.


So, if you still have the texts and messages, do you think it'd be in your best interests to send them to her? Maybe next time she blames you for the 3some, you can pull out those messages and show her that she was planning on spending the night with OH "if you know what she meant". 

So, this makes me agree with other comments here that you were probably set up to take the fall for the current state of your marriage.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @4RCarr Sorry you are in this messy situation.
> 
> Who are the children staying with?
> 
> ...


MattMatt, I think you are right, and here’s why I don’t think it is a stretch. I think she’s been seeing this other guy for a year or longer.

she agreed to no dating during the separation. The separation has been 5 weeks. She’s been living at this other guys house for 4 weeks.

who in their right mind would move in with someone (they apparently aren’t sleeping with) after knowing them for only one week?

naw. She’s known this guy for a long time. In addition, OP is saying that the wife brought up having a 3 some on multiple occasions. Why is that? Why would she keep pressing the issue then step out when it finally happens?

this is all way too fishy. It just screams setup to me.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

4RCarr said:


> My wife had brought up a few times swapping with them. There was a night that they OW/spouse/wife had gone out and I met up with them when I was off work. That night was very awkward and uncomfortable with me. Wife and other husband “OH” kept insisting I get close to OW. My wife and OH were very touchy. Prior to me meeting up with them wife text me to let me know they were gonna spend the night. “If I know what she means”. I told her privately while we were out. I did not want anything going further and did not like what was going on. Honestly that has probably the only time I had actually said something. I should have been speaking up a lot more.
> 
> There was another time that involved kissing. Wife and OH told OW and I we should kiss since they just did. I was very hesitant about it. The OW grabbed me and we kissed.
> 
> ...


Now that I read this, I am positive you got setup.
Doesn’t matter that her current AP is a part of the other couple or not.
She’s been trying to set up a situation where you feel like you “owe” her to be able to sleep with whomever she wants.

dude. You need to speak with a lawyer and look at your options. This woman of yours is shady as all hell.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

4RCarr said:


> My wife had brought up a few times swapping with them. There was a night that they OW/spouse/wife had gone out and I met up with them when I was off work. That night was very awkward and uncomfortable with me. Wife and other husband “OH” kept insisting I get close to OW. My wife and OH were very touchy. Prior to me meeting up with them wife text me to let me know they were gonna spend the night. “If I know what she means”. I told her privately while we were out. I did not want anything going further and did not like what was going on. Honestly that has probably the only time I had actually said something. I should have been speaking up a lot more.
> 
> There was another time that involved kissing. Wife and OH told OW and I we should kiss since they just did. I was very hesitant about it. The OW grabbed me and we kissed.
> 
> ...


Your wife seems to have little interest in being monogamous based on what you describe here. She also lack judgement and character. She knows that living with this guy is risking her career, yet there she sleeps. I think it is pretty apparent that she is done with the marriage. Also, you are foolish to not confide in your counselor. You are covering up your wife's affair. Why would you do that? Do you have any self respect?


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## 4RCarr (Sep 27, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Your wife seems to have little interest in being monogamous based on what you describe here. She also lack judgement and character. She knows that living with this guy is risking her career, yet there she sleeps. I think it is pretty apparent that she is done with the marriage. Also, you are foolish to not confide in your counselor. You are covering up your wife's affair. Why would you do that? Do you have any self respect?


 I told him about her affair. But I am not willing to end her career. No matter how mad I get at her. It would impact my kids lives as well.

I won’t bring my kids into our mess. I asked her if she actually thought that her relationship was appropriate then she can tell the kids where she has been staying. I would not let her do that to them. I know I might here that I should but I won’t. But she started pulling the **** on me after ward making me feel like garbage for bringing them up.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

4RCarr said:


> I told him about her affair. But I am not willing to end her career. No matter how mad I get at her. It would impact my kids lives as well.
> 
> I won’t bring my kids into our mess. I asked her if she actually thought that her relationship was appropriate then she can tell the kids where she has been staying. I would not let her do that to them. I know I might here that I should but I won’t. But she started pulling the **** on me after ward making me feel like garbage for bringing them up.


I’m sorry but your wife is a sad excuse of a mother. You really seem to be bending over backwards to help her hide her affair. You’re not protecting your kids, you’re just enabling your wife. 

how much time are you going to wait before you either move or sell? You shouldn’t put yourself and your family in limbo waiting for your wife to come around. The more that you have revealed, leads me to believe that she has probably had multiple threesomes with the friend and her husband. Also, if you do some detective work, you will find that the affair goes back MUCH further than August. That may have been when she started to get serious feelings for the OM.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

4RCarr said:


> I told him about her affair. But I am not willing to end her career. No matter how mad I get at her. It would impact my kids lives as well.
> 
> I won’t bring my kids into our mess. I asked her if she actually thought that her relationship was appropriate then she can tell the kids where she has been staying. I would not let her do that to them. I know I might here that I should but I won’t. But she started pulling the **** on me after ward making me feel like garbage for bringing them up.


She is trying to manipulate you. You are absolutely in the right to ask her to tell your kids where she is staying right now and ask their opinion if it is appropriate.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

4RCarr said:


> There are things, not sexual, prior to the threesome happening that made the situation very confusing. Does not make the situation right.


Did the OW and your wife start the threesome?

Did the OW start it with just you?

What was your wife’s reaction when It started?

Does it really matter? Your wife used it for an excuse to have a affair. Her affair is on her and nothing that happened in the past has anything to do with it.

You need a to pull your head out of the sand before you cheating wife destroys your life.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Now that I have read everything.

What would you tell you kids to do if they came to you with this problem?
Would you tell them to be a door mat like you are being?
Would you tell them to stand up for themselves?
Would you tell them to respect themselves?

Would you tell them they are worth being with someone that actually loves them?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

4RCarr said:


> But I am not willing to end her career


YOU are not ending her career. SHE has done all of this and put HERSELF in that position.
You need to stop covering for her. YOU HELPING her cover her affair is EXACTLY the wrong thing to be doing if you want it to end.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I'm guessing she is some sort of profession that helps people and she is staying with a "client"


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife is a cheater and likely has been with other MEN for qua while now.
You’re being manipulated as you’ve been told. 

please, I hope you are now accepting that she is living with a man she’s been banging for more than 5 weeks....

I know you’re hurting, but if you don’t see an attorney tomorrow and accept you don’t have a wife anymore, but an adversary, you are in for a double dose of pain.

you need an attorney


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

4RCarr said:


> I told him about her affair. But I am not willing to end her career. No matter how mad I get at her. It would impact my kids lives as well.
> 
> I won’t bring my kids into our mess. I asked her if she actually thought that her relationship was appropriate then she can tell the kids where she has been staying. I would not let her do that to them. I know I might here that I should but I won’t. But she started pulling the **** on me after ward making me feel like garbage for bringing them up.


Please don't tell she is trying to justice her affair? I think she is asking a lot out of you to be honest and she is in no position to ask anything at this moment....is still seeing the guy and have you discussed a divorce


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