# Suspect my wife of cheating...



## daboss

Hi All
I have been on this site for a while now, and have only commented a couple of times but never thought I'd have to make a post in the CWI forum...
Here I am.
My wife and I have been married about a year and a half, and we are just about to celebrate 4 years together next month. I work full time and so does she and normally get home at about the same time every night. But the past couple of months she has been getting home late at least once to twice a week, and her excuse is that she needs 'girly chats' and has a coffee with a female co-worker.
About 3 months ago she mentioned that her boss had just hired a new employee lets call him *B*, and on several occasions mentioned conversations she'd had with him that I feel were a bit flirty. They also became Facebook friends when she has a strict 'no friends on FB with co-workers' code. I half-joked to her that I'd better watch out, that she might replace me... she completely shut down and hadn't mentioned B since. Not once. 
I know it's not a lot to go on, and it could be one of those 'wires crossed' situations, but I feel so uneasy in my gut. She has friends who she talks to on the phone and who I am friends with too and see regularly, so her need for 'girly chats' after spending all day at work with plenty of opportunity to chat then doesn't sit right.
Am I right to feel like this????


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## sirdano

Marriage is supposed to be about openness. Talk, check here FB, email, phone. The wife and I have all our stuff open so either one can look. No running off to the bathroom to take a phone call or locked passwords.


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## TimesOfChange

Listen to your gut..cause most storys start like this. Déjà vu, anyone?!

If there is something to uncover, do it now, before the "fog of war" blurs your (and her) vision.


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## Yessongs72

daboss said:


> Hi All
> Am I right to feel like this????


Oh yes, you ARE right to feel like this. Investigate, Snoop, do whatever you can to either set your mind at rest or to expose her as a wh0re (sorry, confronting my stbxw in a couple of hours time - so feeling very bitter)


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## ILMW

Hi daboss,
If she has a car then use VAR. Try to find out where she is spending time after regular office hours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman

On her late nights go out, follow her and show up where she is or where she said she was going to be. You have both the right and duty to check up on things. You'll get your answers right away. Just do it and put your mind at ease that she is doing what she said she is doing. Above all, don't be afraid to do it. I like this approach a lot more than the James Bond stuff of keyloggers and VARs.


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## jules1990

The Middleman said:


> On her late nights go out, follow her and show up where she is or where she said she was going to be. You have both the right and duty to check up on things. You'll get your answers right away. Just do it and put your mind at ease that she is doing what she said she is doing. Above all, don't be afraid to do it. I like this approach a lot more than the James Bond stuff of keyloggers and VARs.


This works and often allows you to block too, but be aware blocking is only that and where there is a will there is a way!!!


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## The Middleman

jules1990 said:


> This works and often allows you to block too, but be aware blocking is only that and where there is a will there is a way!!!


Yes, but the advantage is:


You got your answer without the bull crap
You can immediately confront
You can immediately expose
You know who the OM is
I can't think of a downside


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## SaltInWound

daboss said:


> About 3 months ago she mentioned that her boss had just hired a new employee lets call him *B*, and on several occasions mentioned conversations she'd had with him that I feel were a bit flirty. They also became Facebook friends when she has a strict 'no friends on FB with co-workers' code.* I half-joked to her that I'd better watch out, that she might replace me*... she completely shut down and hadn't mentioned B since. Not once.


As long as I live I will never again utter anything even remotely close to this with a significant other.


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## theroad

Check her cell bill for calls and texts to numbers that you do not know. Especially from when OM came on to the scene.

Hide a VAR in her car and the house.

Without telling WW hide Key logger on the PC and install a

GPS in her car.

Gather evidence and come back for guidance.


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## superspy

Da Boss:

Do not ignore your instincts.... I knew there was something wrong but had no way to prove it... went thru all the denials and finally after a year got an admission of his emotional affair(s). Watch out for those co-workers or business aquaintences! This is what happened to me. I finally got proof through reading his emails. I hope that he is truthful that they never went PA. The other advice I would give you is to look very closely at the state of your marriage. If I had been more aware of the little signs that we were growing apart, I may have been able to derail the EA before it started. He never spoke about his feelings clearly and neither did I so we are both at fault for not communicating our needs....

Do whatever you have to do if you want to protect your marriage!


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## thatbpguy

Although it is possible she was irate at you for even suggesting the fact she may want to betray you, I generally agree to always act on your gut feeling. 

You have received some good suggestions and I think you should take their advice. 

Let us know how it goes.


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## brokenhearted118

Do not sit idle on this! Trust your gut and investigate to the MAX! Many of us on TAM have learned that your gut is pointing you in a certain direction for a reason. Listen closely. Good luck!!


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## Chaparral

Is her phone tied to the end of her wrist? Does she take it out of the room with her when she leaves a room?

The timing is not good. New guy comes in three months ago. She starts coming home late two months ago. How late, although that doesn't really signify much?

Another time crunch is that many women wander after four to eight years, i.e. seven year itch

To bad you did not get on this earlier.

Any other changes in behavior, clothing, hair, working out, your sex life, dressing up more for work, new underwear you do not see her in, how she acts around you etc..

Does she shower after she comes home?

You have several really bad red flags, do not sweep this under the rug. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best


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## Chaparral

Google how to retrieve facebook chats

https://www.google.com/#bav=on.2,or...q=how+to+retrieve+old+facebook+chats&safe=off


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## Chaparral

What kind of phone does she have?


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## Acabado

If you hear your gut screaming pay attention.
Be sure her coffe afternoon girly chats are indeed what she claims to be, instead of boundarie crossing GNOs.
Find out where's her mind, specially about the new - dropped from earth - new male coworker.


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## Acabado

Are you doing couples time?
Any change in the bed department?


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## life101

Trust your gut. If only more of us would have done it instead of believing in 'love is forever'. 
Place a VAR in her car, monitor Facebook, email, and her phone. If possible hire a PI. 
Trust only her actions, not her words.


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## Will_Kane

daboss said:


> They also became Facebook friends when she has a strict 'no friends on FB with co-workers' code.


*What does she say to explain this?* It's odd that she becomes friends with a co-worker hired only three months ago but won't be with any other co-worker, some of whom she has worked with for years.

Have you checked her phone bill to see how often they call/text each other?

Any increase in her need for privacy, especially regarding passwords and access to her devices? Has her phone become like a part of her body, that she never lets out of her sight?

Any difference in how she dresses for work?


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## Will_Kane

Girly chats is a lie. Nobody even talks like that, except when they use it in a lie.

If there was such a thing as "girly" chats - and there is, but no one calls them that - the chats are about guys they are romantically interested in. But your wife is not having "girly" chats. She's talking to this guy.

Workers will sometimes meet after work - mostly to vent about work. If so, your wife would tell you that she stayed late to talk about problems at work. She wouldn't try to tell you they were "girly" chats.

These so-called "girly" chats are with female co-workers who your wife won't even be Facebook friends with. Use your common sense. *There's no way your wife is staying after work to have "girly" chats with the other women in the office who she won't even be Facebook friends with*.


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## happyman64

I think its time you surprise her at the coffee house and take her to dinner.

Surprise honey!

Trust your gut and do not take no for an answer.


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## weightlifter

NO EARLY soft confronts!!!! Confront with evidence.

Dont be rdmu!!!!!

Ill get the var stuff tonight but in case get the first step done NOW and i mean get your keys, get in your car and do this now.

Go to best buy get two sony icdpx312 voice actvated recorders and litium batteries for them.
Go to walmart and get heavy duty velcro.

Further instructions to follow after i get home tonight.


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## Thor

I agree with the common suspicions in all of the replies due to the red flags. But I think a more low key approach may be called for. It is entirely possible nothing is going on, and I think it is possible she is maybe feeling some dissatisfaction in her life and perhaps seeking some independent girl time with female friends.

Like the member here who read his wife's diary and discovered she is unhappy but not in an affair, this may turn out to be an innocent and very positive turning point in your marriage.

Still, it is wise to be alert and to not ignore possible warning signs. I like the idea of doing some research. Definitely check the cell bill going back 12 months. Get some history and trends. Is there a recent spike in text messaging? Is she making calls to one number a lot, or at odd hours?

Check her phone for chats, messages, and apps.

A keylogger on the computer makes sense.

I would not VAR her car yet because it doesn't seem like there is much cause. If she were to find out about it, the downside is pretty big. So I would wait on this one myself.

I would find a safe time to carefully search her car. Look under the seats, in the various pockets and bins, behind the sun visors, in the glove box, inside boxes and envelopes. Just to see if there are any goodies like condoms or a second cell phone.

Similarly search her purse. Be sure to put everything back precisely how you found it! 

This is a good opportunity for you to do a little self examination to see if there are ways you can improve yourself. Not because your faults would be to blame for her stepping out of the marriage, but because we are all imperfect. Maybe you can eat healthier, get exercise more regularly, and improve your wardrobe some. Maybe you can turn off the f'n tv and have a real conversation with your wife at dinner time.

If there is nothing untoward going on between your wife and this guy, any improvements you make can only help. If she has already started sleeping with the entire local sports league, your improvements will serve you well in your next relationships.


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## weightlifter

Of course if he could get onto her fb and look at that...

Disagree. If she is breaking a no fb friends from work rule for a male she is interested. The var may literally allow him to c0ckblock his wife taking what maynwell be a budding EA into a PA.


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## EleGirl

You are right to be concerned. Some investigation is in order as others have suggested.

If you get anything that proves an affair, do not have a knee jerk reaction and confront her. Instead gather the information and think this through so that you act wisely. WS's usually lie up a storm and try to deny any evident the BS has. So you need to have very solid information.

If you can afford a PI who follow her and photographs what she is doing, that's another very good way to get solid info.


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## Thor

weightlifter said:


> Of course if he could get onto her fb and look at that...
> 
> Disagree. If she is breaking a no fb friends from work rule for a male she is interested. The var may literally allow him to c0ckblock his wife taking what may well be a budding EA into a PA.


I think this is judgement call based on his level of probable cause. From just what he has written I would not place the VAR, but I can see how others would. But if there is anything else such as phone or text activity then I would certainly go to a VAR.

I like best the idea of downloading her entire FB history. He can see every message that has gone to/from this guy.


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## weightlifter

When insay dont be rdmu.

He confronted only with odd texting, an odd purchase, and her being downtown. All easily shot down and he was. 

She went underground and it was six weeks of misery later that he finally was able to confront with court admissible proof. It seems likely had he waited and come here first it would have taken about two weeks instead.


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## workindad

Invest in vars easy and effective. Keynote her computer If possible as well. It will not take long to get the truth. Trust your gut
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor

pebbles2397, you have only two posts on this website, both hawking that data recovery product. ???? Are you marketing for them?


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## daboss

Wow thanks everyone for the replies, I'll try to answer questions etc as best I can.
There has been no change in the bedroom at all, we have sex around 2-3 times a week and although I'd like it more I haven't been worried about her sleeping with B yet. Not that that is proof of anything good or bad.
I have tried locating any emails or FB messages between them and cannot find anything even when using the chat retrieval program. I bet she deletes them though somehow...
Unfortunately with a mortgage and a sick pet I don't have the available funds for a P.I. I might have to invest in a VAR though, and Velcro that to her car somewhere. Where is the best place to put this?
I will ask her tonight why she has B as a FB friend when she doesn't have any other work friend on there, this is where I started really noticing the red flags.
She always insisted I not have female friends because she always felt males and females couldn't stay friends and out of chance I have never had female friends anyway. So for her to now have this male 'friend' and based on previous statements I am very worried.
She isn't having GNO's with her 'female co-worker' as she is usually about 2 hours late home so nothing over the top there. But people can have sex in 15mins (not that I want to think of that!!!) so just because 2 hrs isn't a LONG time also doesn't mean anything.
She says that she needs these 'girly chats' outside work hours because her and this female friend don't get the chance to talk within business hrs because they are not alone. Which is true I guess.
I haven't seen this guy with my own two eyes yet, I would just surprise her at the coffee shop she says she goes but if she IS innocent then I won't be doing us any favours would I?


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## EleGirl

daboss said:


> I have tried locating any emails or FB messages between them and cannot find anything even when using the chat retrieval program. I bet she deletes them though somehow...


A key logger will capture what the type in real-time. She cannot delete that.



daboss said:


> I might have to invest in a VAR though, and Velcro that to her car somewhere. Where is the best place to put this?


Under the front seat. It’s often a good idea to have one VAR. One in the car and the other so you can check it when you have the time and she is not around.



daboss said:


> I will ask her tonight why she has B as a FB friend when she doesn't have any other work friend on there, this is where I started really noticing the red flags.


Right now while you are trying to find out what is going on, do not mention this. If there is an affair, she might take it underground and it will be harder to find out what’s going on in your relationship.



daboss said:


> She isn't having GNO's with her 'female co-worker' as she is usually about 2 hours late home so nothing over the top there. But people can have sex in 15mins (not that I want to think of that!!!) so just because 2 hrs isn't a LONG time also doesn't mean anything.
> She says that she needs these 'girly chats' outside work hours because her and this female friend don't get the chance to talk within business hrs because they are not alone. Which is true I guess.


Yep 2 hours is long enough for quite a bit of cheating. You don’t’ know right now.. and that’s the point, isn’t it?


daboss said:


> I haven't seen this guy with my own two eyes yet, I would just surprise her at the coffee shop she says she goes but if she IS innocent then I won't be doing us any favours would I?


Another piece of equipment that might help you is a GPS monitor that attaches to the car. You could keep an eye on where she actually is vs where she says she is. 
Then once you know where she is, you can determine your next step in fact finding.


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## Chaparral

Find my phone?


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## Acabado

daboss said:


> I might have to invest in a VAR though, and Velcro that to her car somewhere. Where is the best place to put this?


Under the driver's seat. Use the search feature (top of the page) to find a member called weightlifter, search his posts, he gives very clear advice about VARs and it's usu.


> I will ask her tonight why she has B as a FB friend when she doesn't have any other work friend on there, this is where I started really noticing the red flags.


Don't, if you are going to snoop go low key, play dumb, snoop before telling her you are into her, she would go undergound (in case she's into something).


ETA
Oops, EleGirl said it better.


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## daboss

Thanks Elegirl
I forgot to mention too that her phone is an old Nokia E73 (?) and it is pre-paid not on a contract where I can see what she has been up to. There is no online service connected to the phone where we can see that info either. This is not a smart phone so there are no apps I can download etc for it.
She is also more tech savvy than myself, and I am sure she would fin a keylogger on her computer.
I will look into the GPS monitor and also the VAR. Better off arming myself with more info than the dregs I have to go off right now.
I cant believe I am having to do this.


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## Chaparral

Make absolutely no move or hint that you are wondering about another man. If there is another man she will say there isn't. If there isn't she will say the same. All that will happen is that you will put her on alert which it looks like you have already done once.

You need to arrange it where you can see if she is going where she says she is and with whom. Take off work earl or have a friend check out the place to see if she shows up and how long they stay.

One woman would meet her friend and then go to a club.

You also need to find out the suspected om 's status, married, girlfriend.

What do you see on his facebook?


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## The Middleman

daboss said:


> I haven't seen this guy with my own two eyes yet, I would just surprise her at the coffee shop she says she goes but if she IS innocent then I won't be doing us any favours would I?


If the potential fallout of checking on your wife really worries you to the point that you won't do it, then the future isn't looking too bright for you. If there is something going on, this is your quickest, most direct way of finding out. The key loggers or the VARs will only tell you what's going on after she is sleeping with the guy ... or at least getting close to it. Do you really want that?

So let me ask you this: What do you think you're more afraid of; Your wife knowing you are checking up on her or finding out that your wife is sleeping with another man.

Spend some more time reading the stories on this board and look at what happened to the guys that feared being proactive.


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## 6301

You said that she doesn't want you to have female friends because they couldn't stay friends (In other words sooner or later it blooms into something more EA or PA) so why can she have a male friend and then gets pissed when you mention it? Ask her and tell her that if the shoe was on the other foot, would she be happy about it? I doubt it very much. If that's the rules that she made then you don't have to keep playing these games. Tell her flat out that "You made the rules about this and I agreed so either you stop and right now or be prepared for some hard living". If she gets all bent out of shape then you know there's something more and then don't just talk about it and worry yourself sick, Do something and get to the core of the matter and do it like yesterday because the longer it goes on the harder it's going to be on you and right now you have to be number 1 until this is cleared up. Best of luck to you.


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## special44

weightlifter said:


> NO EARLY soft confronts!!!! Confront with evidence.
> 
> Dont be rdmu!!!!!
> 
> Ill get the var stuff tonight but in case get the first step done NOW and i mean get your keys, get in your car and do this now.
> 
> Go to best buy get two sony icdpx312 voice actvated recorders and litium batteries for them.
> Go to walmart and get heavy duty velcro.
> 
> Further instructions to follow after i get home tonight.


I have been lurking here for a while and a thought struck me.
The folks on this forum should set up a VAR lending library.
Send in a deposit, get a VAR in the mail, use till you get evidence, and send it back for a refund minus a small fee.


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## Thor

Cheaters have an ego or a superiority complex compared to their spouse. They think they are smarter or sneakier. So if she is cheating, and we have no idea yet that she is, she will be in a euphoric state from the affair plus she will not expect you to be smart enough to figure it out. Women cheaters frequently wonder how their husbands can be so stupid as to not catch on.

So this is why Ele is 100% correct that you should not mention anything about this guy or any suspicions or worries. Play dumb and happy.

Her phone may track total usage in minutes and texts. Plus it will have some history in memory unless she cleanses it. Find the user manual online for it and learn how to find text message history and phone usage. Find out if you can download the contact list to a computer. Once you are certain you know how to do these things go ahead and check her phone secretly.

Cross check the names and phone numbers in her contact list. Frequently an incorrect name will be used for the affair partner. She's not going to put "Loverboy" in as the name, she may use a female name. So if you can get all the names and numbers go ahead and do a reverse number lookup on them. Note that you will have to pay a subscription fee to get the data. Alternatively you can web search the phone number and see if a name pops up. Also look on her facebook (logged into her account) and look at her friend's info. Her friends may have their phone numbers (and emails) listed where you can see it if you are logged into your wife's account.

Be prepared with some excuses if you start finding bad stuff. Feign illness, a stomach bug, a bad back, etc. You do not want her to think you have become suspicious of her.

I am still hopeful this is in the very early stages rather than anything really damaging. But do your research so you know real facts.


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## weightlifter

GOOD STUFF ELE and THOR!

You are now James Bond. Call this yellow alert unless you find something like texting that takes you to red alert. I would look around when she is not home for a burner phone. BTW burner phone makes PA chances in excess of 90%.

Special 44 that has been brought up before a "catch a cheater kit with two SONY vars, an Ezoom etc..." Problem is logistics.

No smart phone. Interesting. 

OK here is the rest of your instructions. Good news is I think you are in front of this thing. Ill put odds as EA 40% PA 15%.

We really need a keylog expert here as I am only barely adequate on this subject. Keyloggers note are very stealthy but require to tell the antivirus to ignore it. IE configure.

I can not emphasize enough to ATTACH THE CRAP out of the VAR and quite frankly if you remain only at yellow alert for say 3 weeks with ZERO increase take it out of the car tho leave the other velcro half inside in case you need to replace it quickly.

Neat trick on the one in the house is to put it somewhere you can reach but she cant. One guy put it on top of a hutch she could not reach on top of nevermind in a little low spot it had.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K and sensitivity to very high or better. Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off.

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You always got your info from a PI or someone saw them.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.

DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR SUSPICIONS!!!!!!!!!!! Quietly monitor. My biggest red flag is her FB friending in spite of her not friending other workers. I would research the keylogger the hardest. You do not know if this guy is a player or not. He may be one or not. There is no tattoo on the forehead of a player. When RDMU met Bob he thought Bob was a dedicated family man. Bob has bedded at least 4 married women including RDMUs wife. In fact it is probably much much more.


Also read RDMUs first thread just his first post to see what happens to men who do soft confronts. His soft confront was March first. She shot his azz down hard and he came here 3 days later. His hard confront, with solid evidence, partly written by me (he modded it heavily but it was my structure), was April 18th. That was 48 DAYS of misery. This is why asking her about FB loser is bad bad bad. IF she is cheating driving her underground when all you have is suspicions is suicide.

I sense interest from her. Now. How much interest. Alot but he may not even be chatting her up. Your wife would be perfectly safe bare ass naked spread on a bed in front of me. I DONT suggest you try finding out tho as I might be lying. This guy may have my boundaries... Or Bobs...


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## EleGirl

There are a couple of places that I have found are a treasure trove of information. The trash and a person's car. Check both places often. In her car look at places like the spare tire well, where tools are kept. I found all kinds of things from my husbands' affairs in these places. 

His desk at home had a lot too.

When your wife comes home from these coffee shop visits, does she have any receipts? Does she use a joint card to pay? Or cash? check her purse.

If she's going somewhere with a guy, he is most likely paying the tab.


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## happyman64

EleGirl said:


> There are a couple of places that I have found are a treasure trove of information. The trash and a person's car. Check both places often. In her car look at places like the spare tire well, where tools are kept. I found all kinds of things from my husbands' affairs in these places.
> 
> His desk at home had a lot too.
> 
> When your wife comes home from these coffee shop visits, does she have any receipts? Does she use a joint card to pay? Or cash? check her purse.
> 
> If she's going somewhere with a guy, he is most likely paying the tab.


And it could be as simple as her coming home from a coffee outing and her taking a shower.

Take a look at her panties if you have to.


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## Shaggy

And on the days she has these 2 hr talks, take notice of how she is dressed, of her makeup, which underwear she wore. Does she eat more or less on these days ? Does she talk more or talk less? 

Also how is she about sex on those days? Will she have sex the night before? Or how about in the morning before work?


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## weightlifter

Ah yes, the shower right after coming home thing. 

I think it was bad company who JUST got his latest red flag from checking panties.

He COULD have a friend roll by the coffee shop maybe he could sponsor his friends coffee buy. Neat trick: Buy one of those cheapo vid cams like this

Flip Digital Video Camera MINO - Photos: Top 10 must have gadgets for IT pros this Christmas. 

Have it hanging around his neck on a cord back of camera lightly taped to his shirt so it points out. Just have him turn surveying the room body pointed at them but face looking 20 degrees to the right of where she is.


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## lordmayhem

daboss said:


> I haven't seen this guy with my own two eyes yet, I would just surprise her at the coffee shop she says she goes but if she IS innocent then I won't be doing us any favours would I?


What if you go there and see she isn't actually there? 

Besides, if you go there yourself, she will know that you're suspicious and the affair, if any, will go deeper underground. You should send a trusted friend to look for her. Workplace affairs are the hardest to detect and investigate because of the close proximity between the cheaters. 

You haven't answered the question about what kind of phone she has yet. 

With today's smart phones, less cheaters are using the computer to keep in contact with their affair partner.


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## badbane

you say your wife is tech savy. Is she in IT or a computer field. I know a lot of people that are tech savy and given that title because they can access email better than anyone else. Why a burner prepaid phone over a contract network phone. usually you spend less on a family plan over the prepaid style phone and the service is better. Was that a mutual choice or one that she insisted on?
Also stay silent don't rock the boat now. I think going to the coffee shop she has her girly chats with is a good idea. as long as your car is not easily identifiable. IE it has a big dent in it or it is not a generic impala or honda accord. You need to stay as low profile as possible right now.


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## nogutsnoglory

badbane said:


> you say your wife is tech savy. Is she in IT or a computer field. I know a lot of people that are tech savy and given that title because they can access email better than anyone else. Why a burner prepaid phone over a contract network phone. usually you spend less on a family plan over the prepaid style phone and the service is better. Was that a mutual choice or one that she insisted on?
> Also stay silent don't rock the boat now. I think going to the coffee shop she has her girly chats with is a good idea. as long as your car is not easily identifiable. IE it has a big dent in it or it is not a generic impala or honda accord. You need to stay as low profile as possible right now.


I think having a close buddy do the checking is a good idea too. If he finds her with a man, then get in your dented pink impala and go straight over there.


----------



## daboss

Sorry I haven't been online to chat to you all, I have taken your advice though. I have VAR'd her car and I will be sending a mate that she only met once a year back briefly, to the coffee shop she told me she goes.
She doesn't have a shower as soon as she gets home but we are both in the habit of showering prior to bed anyway so she'd have no reason to asap.
Now I think of it, the only thing that's changed in the bedroom department is that she has stopped swallowing (if ya know what I mean) but its probably nothing.
I cant check her undies, she wears panty liners anyway she always has in the time I've known her.
Ill wait now and see if the VAR records anything of interest.
Oh and for those asking what phone she has it's a Nokia E73 I think. She is in retail with her job, not I.T. She is just better at the computer stuff than me.


----------



## badbane

daboss said:


> Sorry I haven't been online to chat to you all, I have taken your advice though. I have VAR'd her car and I will be sending a mate that she only met once a year back briefly, to the coffee shop she told me she goes.
> She doesn't have a shower as soon as she gets home but we are both in the habit of showering prior to bed anyway so she'd have no reason to asap.
> Now I think of it, the only thing that's changed in the bedroom department is that she has stopped swallowing (if ya know what I mean) but its probably nothing.
> I cant check her undies, she wears panty liners anyway she always has in the time I've known her.
> Ill wait now and see if the VAR records anything of interest.
> Oh and for those asking what phone she has it's a Nokia E73 I think. She is in retail with her job, not I.T. She is just better at the computer stuff than me.


Then put a key logger on there my friend. in most cases all you have to do to get a key logger installed is turn off your antivirus. install the program and turn it back on. Then you can set the system scan to scan when you are home so if you get an alert you simply hit ignore.


----------



## Gabriel

If you want to lay eyes on the guy, can't you check his FB page? He obviously has one. And if his picture doesn't reveal anything, can you log on as her, to get a better glimpse? Do you have her FB password?

It might be nothing, but you should definitely check things out...slowly and carefully.

Here's another possible tactic. Friend request the guy - and in the request, say, "My wife has told me so much about you. Thought I would connect." 

If he doesn't accept it - this would speak volumes.
If he does, then you can watch him better.
At the very least, he would say something to your W, and this could reveal information.


----------



## weightlifter

I wouldnt fb friend him. He might talk to her. Play dumb. You have alerted her enough.

You are on YELLOW alert not red ATM. Now if shes not there or with this guy alone at the coffee shop... Nonetheless yellow alert means you have to be on your toes but still not let on that you are alert. ALWAYS play dumb husband until you have no other choice. There is a pen var out there for her purse if you find she is alone with him. Amazon sells it. 

You can check her liners btw. I think it was ?badcompany? who got his latest red flag from a liner.

Also realize players take time to bed their targets. IIRC cantthinkstraights wife took a month and RDMUs wife took 8 and a half months from inappropriate to full PIV. Some players are VERY VERY patient. They will work several women at the same time so while they are working yours they are already screwing two other mens wives.

kudos badbane for the keylogger info.


----------



## badmemory

In regards to the coffee shop dates, girly chats, and coming home 2 hours late.

My WW used all these same excuses and others; and she would actually go to these get-togethers. At least for a while.

But what she was doing was using these events as a staging ground. She'd leave early, and then hook up with the OM in a hotel or his car.

If she said she was going shopping on a Saturday, she'd bring back receipts and a few groceries, but was gone half the day. Same song and dance.

Had I been on TAM during that time, before I finally decided to pull my head out of my a$$ after two years, I would have caught her a lot sooner.

Don't take anything for granted after you start getting red flags. Make yourself an expert on stealth technology. Be proactive. If she's cheating on you, you'll catch her soon enough.


----------



## Thorburn

badmemory said:


> In regards to the coffee shop dates, girly chats, and coming home 2 hours late.
> 
> My WW used all these same excuses and others; and she would actually go to these get-togethers. At least for a while.
> 
> But what she was doing was using these events as a staging ground. She'd leave early, and then hook up with the OM in a hotel or his car.
> 
> If she said she was going shopping on a Saturday, she'd bring back receipts and a few groceries, but was gone half the day. Same song and dance.
> 
> Had I been on TAM during that time, before I finally decided to pull my head out of my a$$ after two years, I would have caught her a lot sooner.
> 
> Don't take anything for granted after you start getting red flags. Make yourself an expert on stealth technology. Be proactive. If she's cheating on you, you'll catch her soon enough.


My wife would go out looking for discount grocery stores and come back with nothing. Or say she would say she had to go to work the next day to "catch up" on clients she missed. None of it made sense and I put the VAR in her car and then it all made sense.


----------



## treyvion

Thorburn said:


> My wife would go out looking for discount grocery stores and come back with nothing. Or say she would say she had to go to work the next day to "catch up" on clients she missed. None of it made sense and I put the VAR in her car and then it all made sense.


It made sense before. You just hadn't accepted it.


----------



## RWB

Thorburn said:


> My wife would go out looking for discount grocery stores* and come back with nothing.* Or say she would say she had to go to work the next day to "catch up" on clients she missed. None of it made sense and I put the VAR in her car and then it all made sense.


There really is a *Cheaters Script*.

I got the same routine from my wife when she was in an affair with her principal at school. She would "need" to go up to the school on Sat for a few hours to _catch up_ on work. Her principal was always there for a few hours Sat so I never thought anything about it. They would meet in his private office with the doors closed and locked. 

She also had a standing GNO to a teacher friends house to watch Sex and the City. What I didn't know was a couple of single males (principal included) would also be there. She would use that as "jump off" spot to get together with him. Unknown to me, all her friends were cheaters, 3 of them has slept with the same principal. They all knew what was going on. A sick little club.

I also got the false shopping trips, skipping out from work... the worst had to be this Spring Break vacation that my wife took with my teenage (15) daughter and 2 of my daughter's friends. I stayed home because of work. She and the principal OM planned to be in FL at the same time. She would pretend to go shopping during the day for a couple of hours, leaving the girls at the beach. In reality she would go over to OM hotel for sex and walks on the beach. It was all cooked up prior to leaving... guess who payed for the "great vacation"... I remember her saying to me.

The Point... once the restraints are off and the cheater has crossed the line... there is no more line. They will lie, do, and say anything to get their fix.


----------



## nogutsnoglory

RWB said:


> There really is a *Cheaters Script*.
> 
> I got the same routine from my wife when she was in an affair with her principal at school. She would "need" to go up to the school on Sat for a few hours to _catch up_ on work. Her principal was always there for a few hours Sat so I never thought anything about it. They would meet in his private office with the doors closed and locked.
> 
> She also had a standing GNO to a teacher friends house to watch Sex and the City. What I didn't know was a couple of single males (principal included) would also be there. She would use that as "jump off" spot to get together with him. Unknown to me, all her friends were cheaters, 3 of them has slept with the same principal. They all knew what was going on. A sick little club.
> 
> I also got the false shopping trips, skipping out from work... the worst had to be this Spring Break vacation that my wife took with my teenage (15) daughter and 2 of my daughter's friends. I stayed home because of work. She and the principal OM planned to be in FL at the same time. She would pretend to go shopping during the day for a couple of hours, leaving the girls at the beach. In reality she would go over to OM hotel for sex and walks on the beach. It was all cooked up prior to leaving... guess who payed for the "great vacation"... I remember her saying to me.
> 
> The Point... once the restraints are off and the cheater has crossed the line... there is no more line. They will lie, do, and say anything to get their fix.


Man. I just read this and my wife is a teacher. I feel like strangling the guy myself. Sorry you had to deal with this.


----------



## The Middleman

Gabriel said:


> Here's another possible tactic. Friend request the guy - and in the request, say, "My wife has told me so much about you. Thought I would connect."
> 
> If he doesn't accept it - this would speak volumes.
> If he does, then you can watch him better.
> At the very least, he would say something to your W, and this could reveal information.


Gabe, you hit the nail right on the head. I'm embarrassed that I didn't think of this one. This is something daboss needs to do immediately! This will send a message to both the OM and daboss's wife because I guarantee you that as soon as daboss sends him the friend request and message, daboss's wife gets a phone call.


----------



## treyvion

RWB said:


> There really is a *Cheaters Script*.
> 
> I got the same routine from my wife when she was in an affair with her principal at school. She would "need" to go up to the school on Sat for a few hours to _catch up_ on work. Her principal was always there for a few hours Sat so I never thought anything about it. They would meet in his private office with the doors closed and locked.
> 
> She also had a standing GNO to a teacher friends house to watch Sex and the City. What I didn't know was a couple of single males (principal included) would also be there. She would use that as "jump off" spot to get together with him. Unknown to me, all her friends were cheaters, 3 of them has slept with the same principal. They all knew what was going on. A sick little club.
> 
> I also got the false shopping trips, skipping out from work... the worst had to be this Spring Break vacation that my wife took with my teenage (15) daughter and 2 of my daughter's friends. I stayed home because of work. She and the principal OM planned to be in FL at the same time. She would pretend to go shopping during the day for a couple of hours, leaving the girls at the beach. In reality she would go over to OM hotel for sex and walks on the beach. It was all cooked up prior to leaving... guess who payed for the "great vacation"... I remember her saying to me.
> 
> The Point... once the restraints are off and the cheater has crossed the line... there is no more line. They will lie, do, and say anything to get their fix.


Yeah. Jump off spots are what guys used to do, guys would split the costs. Females are doing alot of the stuff cheating guys used to do.

It is key to note if her main friends or all her friends are cheaters, or liers or decievers.


----------



## daboss

Hi guys
I put a key logger on her computer and she found it! I don't know why she was even looking for it, or how she knew I'd put it on there. I was very sneaky! We had a big argument with her asking WHY I felt the need to do that and I knew if I told her directly I'd blow my cover. So I didn't give her a direct answer in the end now she isn't even speaking to me.
Nothing on the VAR yet BUT she went out after work yesterday and I haven't had the chance to check the VAR today. So we will see.
And I think she has what you guys call a 'burner phone'. She went to the bathroom last night before bed and I saw her normal phone in the kitchen on the counter. I just had a weird feeling all of a sudden so I went and pressed my ear to the door and I swear I heard the beeping noise that buttons on some phones make when pressed to dial or text!


----------



## BlueCalcite

daboss said:


> Hi guys
> I put a key logger on her computer and she found it! I don't know why she was even looking for it, or how she knew I'd put it on there. I was very sneaky! We had a big argument with her asking WHY I felt the need to do that and I knew if I told her directly I'd blow my cover. So I didn't give her a direct answer in the end now she isn't even speaking to me.
> Nothing on the VAR yet BUT she went out after work yesterday and I haven't had the chance to check the VAR today. So we will see.
> And I think she has what you guys call a 'burner phone'. She went to the bathroom last night before bed and I saw her normal phone in the kitchen on the counter. I just had a weird feeling all of a sudden so I went and pressed my ear to the door and I swear I heard the beeping noise that buttons on some phones make when pressed to dial or text!


I thought key loggers were supposed to be undetectable. My company uses one called Spector 360 and there's no sign of its presence on the computers.


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## The Middleman

daboss said:


> Nothing on the VAR yet BUT she went out after work yesterday and I haven't had the chance to check the VAR today. So we will see.


So why didn't you follow her?


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## happyman64

Be patient and trust your gut.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt

BlueCalcite said:


> I thought key loggers were supposed to be undetectable. My company uses one called Spector 360 and there's no sign of its presence on the computers.


They ARE undetectable, unless you know exactly what you are doing and are even aware they exist....which most people don't. 

Just how did this happen, daboss?


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## livinfree

Say the key logger was a virus.


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## tom67

I'd have her bags packed with that attitude! And the one to two nights she's out you better get a friend to follow her after work asap. If you want to make it to your 4th anniversary you have to stop this now. When she goes to bed find that burner phone.


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## weightlifter

Aw crap

Yellow alert is now red. Burner phone. Find it.


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## 3putt

weightlifter said:


> Aw crap
> 
> Yellow alert is now red. Burner phone. Find it.


Right now my red alert is decidedly different than your red alert.....if you get my drift.


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## tom67

Get that var if there is incriminating stuff on it pack her bags and drive her to his place this has been going on 3 months and now she isn't talking to you well if she has nothing to hide what is the problem. And you probably did hear a burner phone. Show her you won't be disrespected anymore. WTH!


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## Shaggy

Look for the charger for the burner phone.

If she was in the bathroom with it, check in her closet inside shoeboxes, tall boots for the phone. Also in bathroom look under her sink area, any boxes etc. 

Does she drink? If so get her really drunk one night and then pretend to go out for something that should take you an hour. Even do something to piss her off just before you go out. Then wait 10 min and quietly come home - she just might be texting or calling him to complain about you.


----------



## tom67

Shaggy said:


> Look for the charger for the burner phone.
> 
> If she was in the bathroom with it, check in her closet inside shoeboxes, tall boots for the phone. Also in bathroom look under her sink area, any boxes etc.
> 
> Does she drink? If so get her really drunk one night and then pretend to go out for something that should take you an hour. Even do something to piss her off just before you go out. Then wait 10 min and quietly come home - she just might be texting or calling him to complain about you.


Can you surprise her at work on the premise that you are taking her out to lunch so maybe you can see what this schmuk looks like and kind of "mark" your territory?


----------



## weightlifter

Try underneath the drawers. IE take the drawers out.

OP. What keylogger and what antivirus?


----------



## Shaggy

Also look in her car for the charger. Cheaters also have been known to keep bags in the trunk with affair stuff.


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## EleGirl

How did you pay for the key logger? Was it on an account that she has access to check?


----------



## the guy

She found the keylogger cuz she was looking for it.

You got in an argument cuz she is defencive.

She's not talking to you cuz you are making her affair more difficult.

Sorry your here! Trust your gut.

The first 3 sentences maybe speculation, but I have been here way to long to see how this goes down.

Never beg for your marriage and never let her see you cry. Your confidence in *just letting your her go* just might save your marriage. YOU CAN NOT "NICE" YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS so don't try. 

The goal here is to get her to think twice in what she is about to lose, getting her to second guess her choices, and showing her the up most confidence in being able *just letting her go* (even if you don't want to).....women want confident men!

Once you get the smoking gun, it will give you alot of confidence in the next steps you take. It stinks and hurts like hell but you will know for sure that you will not share your wife!


----------



## lordmayhem

daboss said:


> Hi guys
> I put a key logger on her computer and she found it! I don't know why she was even looking for it, or how she knew I'd put it on there. I was very sneaky! We had a big argument with her asking WHY I felt the need to do that and I knew if I told her directly I'd blow my cover. So I didn't give her a direct answer in the end now she isn't even speaking to me.


Huge red flag! :redcard:

Why would any normal person be looking for a keylogger? But cheaters do because they think they're being monitored. This is very concerning because it indicates that she's an experienced cheater, OR she's being coached by experienced cheaters.

With that said, I think you either went the cheap route (free or cheap keylogger) and you failed to make the file exceptions in your virus scanner. You didn't indicate what software you used. A quality keylogger like Specter Pro, Web Watcher, Spy Agent, etc, will have instructions on which files that you need to have your virus scanner make exceptions for. 

Of course, she blame shifted and was indignant, and played the "invasion of privacy" card. This is standard behavior and fits the cheater script to a T. But inside, she's freaking out that you installed a keylogger. 



daboss said:


> Nothing on the VAR yet BUT she went out after work yesterday and I haven't had the chance to check the VAR today. So we will see.


The problem is now, is that she's been alerted that you're on to her. She may search the vehicle for the VAR. Where did you put it? 



daboss said:


> And I think she has what you guys call a 'burner phone'. She went to the bathroom last night before bed and I saw her normal phone in the kitchen on the counter. I just had a weird feeling all of a sudden so I went and pressed my ear to the door and I swear I heard the beeping noise that buttons on some phones make when pressed to dial or text!


She probably just alerted the OM that she discovered the keylogger and was frantically texting him for advice about what to do. He may be advising her to look for a VAR. 

Up until just a few years ago, most cell phone brands had their own proprietary charger, so you could look for a different cell phone charger. Now, with the exception of the iPhone, just about every phone uses the standard micro USB charger. 

You're in a very, very difficult situation as the affair, if she's in one, is deep underground. You need to execute a thorough search for the burner phone. But since she's been alerted, she's going to keep that close to her now too. Search for some evidence of it though, like receipts, instruction manuals, boxes, etc. Search her clothes closet, pockets in her clothes, etc. Search the bathroom and the car like others have suggested.


----------



## larry.gray

Has anyone tried one of the cell phone trackers to find a burner phone? I've seen several on the market that are supposed to able to track a phone down if it is on.


----------



## lordmayhem

larry.gray said:


> Has anyone tried one of the cell phone trackers to find a burner phone? I've seen several on the market that are supposed to able to track a phone down if it is on.


I don't recall anyone on this forum ever employing this kind of device. If you check the spy stores, they're pretty expensive. Then there are the cheap, made in China ones that are cheap and inexpensive, which of course, makes me doubt their effectiveness. Doing a search on Amazon, I found this for only $18.99 and free shipping.

Amazon.com: AGPtek® Full-frequency Wireless Anti-spy RF Signal Bug Detector Almighty Hidden Camera Finder (Auto-detection Function, Adjustable Sensitivity): Camera & Photo

Then there's a more expensive one here

http://www.spytechs.com/bug_sweep_equip/cell_gps_detector.htm


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Everyone is giving great advice, but no one put up the simple one. 

Where are you accessing the computer? If she is using the same computer, could she have read this thread?


----------



## daboss

Hi everyone, thanks for all the responses to my post. Unfortunately I don't have good news.
The VAR turned up some horrible heart breaking evidence which I confronted her with, and she could not deny what I was accusing her of. So she finally came clean which I was surprised with, given the standoff way she has been lately but this will explain it...
She and B had quickly become attracted to each other. instead of not being a slvt like a normal wife, she fell for his 'charisma' (her words) and he went after her hard. So no, she was not having 'girly chats' with a female co-worker she was fvcking B in OUR CAR. She went into a lot of detail because I demanded to know everything, and she says she isn't in love with him but clearly likes him. She insists she loves me and wants to be with me but Im so heart broken! I am not letting her see how much this is killing me by trying to be strong when she is around. I work, I work out and have spoken to friends so I can keep away from the house but its only been 5 days since it all went to sh*t. 
Im finding it almost impossible to see her drive to work, knowing he will be there. Apparently he isn't married or doesn't have a GF but who knows really. 
I wiped myself off last night and have a raging hangover but it doesn't make a difference because I already feel so sick!
She has offered to change jobs and I think she will have to!


----------



## kenmoore14217

"She has offered to change jobs and I think she will have to!"

No ! change wives


----------



## Will_Kane

You won't be able to reconcile until she changes jobs and has no contact with him.

Is the VAR still in place? Does she know about it? You didn't catch her in the act, did you?


----------



## LostViking

You should not have to ask her to. She should have quit the job on her own. That would have demonstrated real remorse. She is just placating you. 

See a lawyer as soon as you can and find out what your options are. Don't drag your feet. Oh and expose her and the OM to everyone. Tell her family and yours what she did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Will_Kane

daboss said:


> My wife and I have been *married about a year and a half*, and we are just about to celebrate 4 years together next month.
> 
> *the past couple of months she has been getting home late *at least once to twice a week, and her excuse is that she needs 'girly chats' and has a coffee with a female co-worker.
> 
> *About 3 months ago she mentioned that her boss had just hired a new employee* lets call him *B. They also became Facebook friends when she has a strict 'no friends on FB with co-workers' code.
> 
> There has been no change in the bedroom at all, we have sex around 2-3 times a week and although I'd like it more *I haven't been worried about her sleeping with B yet*.
> 
> *She always insisted I not have female friends because she always felt males and females couldn't stay friends *
> 
> she is usually about 2 hours late home so nothing over the top there. But people can have sex in 15mins.
> 
> I put a key logger on her computer and she found it! *now she isn't even speaking to me*.
> 
> I think she has what you guys call a 'burner phone'.
> 
> The VAR turned up some horrible heart breaking evidence which I confronted her with, and she could not deny
> 
> she finally came clean which I was surprised with, given the standoff way she has been lately
> 
> she was fvcking B in OUR CAR.
> 
> She insists she loves me and wants to be with me
> 
> Im finding it almost impossible to see her drive to work, knowing he will be there.
> 
> She has *offered* to change jobs and I think she will have to!


No kids, only married 18 months, and she's already been cheating and lying for the past two months. She started screwing this guy only one month after she met him. How long did she know you before she started screwing you? 

You let her know you were suspicious, and instead of her being fearful you might find out and your marriage might end in divorce, she did not stop, she did not end it, instead she took it further underground. She has lied to you and purposely deceived you in the worst possible way, even got mad at you for spying on her, got all self-righteous and tried to make you feel like you were the one who was doing wrong. She never left you have opposite-sex friends, yet she had one, and she was screwing him.

How long do you think she would have kept up her affair if you didn't find out? (If she still is working there, the affair is still not over).

She sounds like a completely self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed, entitled lying cheater. What do you see in her? NO KIDS? Why stay married to her? There are so many better women than her out there. She is like the booby prize.

Did she unfriend him and block him on facebook yet?

Did she hand over her burner phone yet?

Did she give you her passwords yet?

Did she quit her job yet? (by the way, you do know that if she still is going in to work every day, she still is screwing him, don't you?)

Did she get tested for STDs yet?

Were they using condoms? Is she pregnant?

Exactly what has she actually DONE? Talk is cheap. And so far, all she's done is talk.


----------



## Dyokemm

daboss,

So sorry to hear you are having to go through this.

So now that she has gone out and banged 'Mr.Charming', she is sure she loves you and wants to be with you, huh?

Tell her that's great, but now that she has decided to degrade herself and help this lowlife POS insult and humiliate you, that you no longer wnat such a disloyal and worthless woman.

File D papers ASAP. Only communicate with her about the D proceedings and absolute necessities.

Do this even if you would consider trying to R with her later.

You have to scare the h**l out of her and force her to recognize what she has done and what she is in danger of losing immediately.

Her actions since being caught scream rugsweep to me. 

She wants you to view this as some type of anomaly or aberration, and now its time to get back to being a loving married couple.

She's acting like she couldn't help it, his 'charisma' just temporarily blinded her, but she's finished with that now (odd since she didn't end it but had to be caught).

And go to her boss and HR and absolutely destroy this scumbag POS who felt entitled to wreck your life. 

Also, post his trashy a** on Cheaterville and post to his fb page what a complete POS he is.


----------



## Dyokemm

Also OP,

Quit drinking. It will do you absolutely no good in this situation.


----------



## Will_Kane

This was originally posted by a member named Decorum in another thread, one about a young couple with no kids where the wife cheated with a co-worker. If you ever were to consider reconciliation, which I don't recommend, these are some questions to ask yourself and your wife:

_Later, when you have time, think about some of these things.

This is more or less food for thought to try to maintain objectivity as this situation works on your emotions and sentimentality.

Grist for the mill as it were.

I'm not recommending "R" at all, but I know that it will work on your mind and emotions so I want to give you some things to think about.

Pity, familiarity, fear of failure, fear of regret, fear of dating, fear of what people will think. Remembering former good times, hope for a better relationship, etc., none of these are good enough reasons to "R". Your reason to R has to be so compelling that it will carry you through, pain and anger, and triggering, that are several magnitude worse that you have known so far.

And you need to be sure that your partner has a similar motivation.

I am overstating it here a bit, you may be happy with a mediocre reconciliation, or something in between, you just have to go in with yours eyes open.

Ask yourself (and her) what do you have to offer that will make it worth the pain and effort and hard work to save this marriage. It would have been easier to save it before the affair it will be much harder now.

It was not that good to begin with, and frankly I am not the same person I was, I am not even sure how we would get along anymore.

Why is it going to be any different now?

Why will it be better?

My trust for you is gone, why would I want to live with a person that I do not trust, and even if trust returns in some measure to still have doubts from time to time.

I will forever have to deal with the mental image of you with him, I can find another woman where that will not be a problem, why would I choose you now?

What are your true reasons for even wanting to save this marriage. (Remember she said she was not sure you two should be married)

Are you thinking that if I can just "get over it" and put it behind us then we can go back to what we had?

After 1 & 1/2 years of deception and cheating, deep in my heart I believe it is possible that you have just taken a break with Chad, and when we "get back to normal" you to plan to pick it up again.

I can't move forward until I now that is not the case, how will you convince me?

Until I found the proof and confronted you , you were in love with Chad, how will you ever get over him? Why would I want to compete with a POS like him for my own wife, even in his absence?

If I had not caught you, you would still be with him, you may be forced to choose but you cant be forced to change? Why choose me? really why? Not just for all the little things you love about me, i don' buy that. There are little things you love about Chad, why me?

There are many reasons you would choose me over him that have nothing to do with our relationship or with me, reasons that you would settle for me, when another woman would desire me completely.

I honestly don't believe that you desire me completely and I will not settle for anything less from any relationship I have going forward.

That is part of the change I am referring to, the woman I am with is going to be into me or I will find someone else who is. I will never settle for less again.

I would never share my wife with another man, you took that away from me and you cannot return it, what can I be proud of myself for if I take you back?

There are many men who will look down on me for taking you back, I understand how they feel, I want a wife I can be proud of, how can you ever be that wife?

Many of these were not issues when we first met, but they are now, have you given them any thought? Do you even understand or get how what you have done affects me in these ways?

I can only thank God that we do not have children together, I could never bring children into a situation as uncertain as it is now. If I never feel safe with you again are you willing to forego ever having children?

Eric I'm sure I will think of more after I post, but be ruthless with yourself about what you really want and be ruthless with her.

You know now that anything less will be costly to your well-being.

Take care!​_


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## happyman64

Daboss

I think you are in shock. You never really thought your wife is cheating.

Do yourself a favor and take some time to think things over.

Get an STD test.

As the nurse is drawing blood think about why your there, think about who put you in this position and then ask yourself one question.

Is she worth it?

We know the answer but do you???

HM64


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## weightlifter

I sincerely hope you stopped listening to the VAR and had someone else listen when they started getting busy.

I also hope you didnt tell her about the VAR.

Sorry.

DAMN. Im getting too good at this. Sad really.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

File for D. Even if you want to R. She needs to SEE that you are ready to move on.

She seems nonchalant about the sex with the OM, you know "it was only sex, it's not like I loved him" kind of attitude.

Now that you've heard her have sex one of the MANY times with the OM, I think you're going to have a hard time convincing yourself that R is the right thing to do.

So I'd file for D, give yourself some time to think and if you still want to R, then just put the D on hold.

I'm sorry for you, as this is one of the worst ways to find the proof of cheating.


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## CASE_Sensitive

How about driving said car right into POSOM office.
It's time maybe you confront the f'er at work and expose him to all the co-workers there.
Find out if the boss has a boss and get this pos fired.
If it gets your wife fired from there, who cares, she shouldn't be working there any more.


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## duped333

Damn. I'm so very sorry you have to deal with this now. You didn't tell her about the VAR, did you? 
I seem to recall having read some previous posts regarding the "legality" of it all (um, it's ugly, so like weightlifter recommends NEVER give up that little piece of info. It could bite you in the a#*)
Good luck, daboss...


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## workindad

As long as they are working together they are most likely still fvcking. Maybe not in your car but his or his place if he has no SO. 

No kids and early in the marriage. Are you sure you want to R? 

Keep in mind she would still be lying and screwing him in your car if not busted its not like guilt ate her up and she stopped on her own. 

Get tested for stds. Take care of yourself. Keep working out. See a lawyer to at least understand your options. 

Do not get her pregnant. 

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

CASE_Sensitive said:


> How about driving said car right into POSOM office.
> It's time maybe you confront the f'er at work and expose him to all the co-workers there.
> Find out if the boss has a boss and get this pos fired.
> If it gets your wife fired from there, who cares, she shouldn't be working there any more.


I like that [email protected]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Burner phone, looking for keyloggers, she knew what she was doing and she did not care at all. She is a experienced coached cheater. 

Put her a$$ in the rear view mirror. File for divorce. Expose to her family and workplace. If you don't she will do it again and again. Each time will be harder to figure out and will hurt more.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

If you reconcile with this woman without showing her you mean real business a few years from now you will be the guy we will be advising to DNA test the kids. Dump her and fast!


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## tom67

I would tell her to keep the job because you are divorcing anyway only married 1.5 forget it jmo.


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## SadSamIAm

Even though you have only been married a short time, it still hurts. It is very hard to walk away.

The truth of the matter is you need to be strong. You need to end your marriage. You need to show her that you won't tolerate her cheating. She needs to be punished to the greatest extent possible. If you don't do this, you will endure a lifetime of getting cheated on. She will continue to do it, because she will know that you will allow it.

End the marriage and move on. See what she does. If she just keeps sleeping with the OM, then you have you answer. If she breaks it off, offers MC and IC, continually asks for a second chance, then there might be hope. But don't give in too easy. Make sure you stay separated for at least a couple of months. See how badly she truly wants the marriage.


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## Chaparral

You need to find out if he is married. Check his name out on facebook, google, spokeo.com etc.

Post him now on cheaterville.com

Then for the coup de gras, send him and your wife the link. It will make you feel better.


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## tom67

When she gets home tonight have her stuff in garbage bags and tell her you are taking him to his place. Simple and right to the point.


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## bryanp

1. Get tested for STD's
2. See a good divorce lawyer

She tells you she still loves you but is banging her lover in your car?
She had no intention of telling you the truth and continue to have sex with her lover but she was caught by you.
You know that there had to be times when she had sex with him and then had sex with you later.

She is in damage control. She knows that her lover boy will not marry her so she wants to remain married to maintain her lifestyle.

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her action speak volumes and how little respect she has for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## carmen ohio

As others have advised, cut your losses, divorce her, and look for a woman who is not a cheater to start over with.

Whatever you do, DON'T have children with this woman before you are absolutely sure that she will never to this again. That means no kids for many years.


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## LostViking

1.5 years is all you have been married? I glossed over that. Then just divorce her! Seriously. It is way too early in the M for her to be cheating! You two should still be on your honeymoon. 

Even if you hammer her with consequences, even if you make her jump through every hoop to keep you, her cheating this early in the relationship is just a harbinger of more horrible things to come.


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## Row Jimmy

1.5 years invested and she is already a cheating dog?

Dump her or at least file for D and seperate for a week or two to make her feel consequences. 

Don't rugsweep it. 

This behaviour reflects on the type of person she really is. Do you want that type of woman to be the mother of your kids?


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## ShootMePlz!

Take her up on thequitting and getting a new job immediately....whether or not you stay with her!!! I would inform her boss also...maybe he will just fire him.


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## TRy

daboss said:


> Im finding it almost impossible to see her drive to work, knowing he will be there. Apparently he isn't married or doesn't have a GF but who knows really.


 You find it almost impossible to see her drive off to work every day, because you know that it is almost impossible that she will be faithful to you with her seeing the other man (OM) everyday, and with him in hot pursuit. Now that you know, and have really done nothing, her fear of their being serious consequences is fading. The truth is that after a few days the OM and your wife are probably back at it with both of them almost laughing at how easy this turned out for them.



daboss said:


> She has offered to change jobs and I think she will have to!


 You either file for immediate divorce and let her keep her job so that you will not have to pay alimony, or she quits today and you give her the requirements for reconciliation (R). If you want to R, then you demand that in addition to her quitting today with no 2 weeks notice (she tells them why and agrees to helping them from home if needed), that she go full no contact (NC) with the OM and agree to full transpancy which includes all passwords. Anything less than this in R, is just wishful thinking that they will not be at it again. There can be no R with him still in her life. 

Remember that she has given the OM home field advantage in that she has told him all about you and allowed him to plot accordingly, while she shared almost nothing about the OM with you. Additionally, while she is in the affair, they are the couple that keeps secrets from you, and you are the enemy of the couple. With only 18 months of marraige and no children, this may not be a fight that you can win, and perhaps may not be a fight that you want to win when you consider that the prize is an unremorseful cheating spouse.


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## confusedFather

You are still very early on in this process. Try to act with reason and not emotion. This will be very hard. It's something I failed at many times. Give yourself time to decide what you really want before proceeding with R or D. Your emotions can really trick you here so be careful and proceed slowly. 

When I say 'proceed slowly' I mean in making the best decisions for your future. Some things must happen immediately: full disclosure; full access to phone, emails, etc; STD test for you and her; exposure to friends and family; exposure of OM to boss; and absolutely NO CONTACT by your wife to OM.

These things will tell you if she is truly remorseful and if R is something to strive for. Exposure to friends and family is difficult and humiliating; however, if you let them know that you are working through this and if you forgive her they will too. My wife's willingness to go through this spoke volumes about her current feelings towards me.


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## doubletrouble

What did the VAR reveal?


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## happyman64

Confused Father

Your wifes action showed remorse.

But all we have is daboss's wife saying she loves him while she loves having sex with the OM in her car.

Very classy lady. All she gave daboss is lip service.

If she turns out not to be remorseful I would do the cheaterville route but instead of driving my car through the door I think making a big @ss sign naming them both as cheaters during the morning commute would be much more effective.

Especially when the coworkers read this:

"My wife (first and last name) and I are married 1.5 years but it only took 2 months for ([email protected] bag) to have sex with her in our car!"

Now that sends a message without getting arrested. 

HM


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## Shaggy

1. Post OM up on cheaterville.com ASAP and send a link to your wife.and all her coworkers.

2. Take the car and sell it. It goes, she no longer has a car.

3. Kick her out and begin upgrading to a decent non cheating woman. She has completely failed as a wife.

Let her be known as the office tramp to her coworkers.


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## barbados

1.5 years married and no kids....... D I V O R C E .........

Please don't stay with this woman.


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## sinnister

There are so many good women out in this world who will love you the way you want to be loved and not open her legs to some loser co-worker in a car....

Find one. You dont have kids keeping you hostage.


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## Jeffery

TAM seems to attract way to many weak men.


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## Jeffery

barbados said:


> 1.5 years married and no kids....... D i v o r c e .........
> 
> Please don't stay with this woman.


this


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## carmen ohio

Jeffery said:


> TAM seems to attract way to many weak men.


There is self-selection at work here. Strong men (and women) don't need to post on TAM. They know instinctively what to do, don't tolerate the kind of behavior that often leads to infidelity and, when infidelity occurs, immediately give the WS serious consequences.

My guess is that most of them decide rather quickly to divorce their WSs rather than try to save their marriages.


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## Squeakr

Jeffery said:


> TAM seems to attract way to many weak men.



By your screen name then we can assume that you are one of them as well since you are here?


Indecisiveness towards someone that has one has lots invested with does not have anything to do with strength, as so many other factors can play out here as well.


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## Squeakr

carmen ohio said:


> There is self-selection at work here. Strong men (and women) don't need to post on TAM. They know instinctively what to do, don't tolerate the kind of behavior that often leads to infidelity and, when infidelity occurs, immediately give the WS serious consequences.
> 
> My guess is that most of them decide rather quickly to divorce their WSs rather than try to save their marriages.


This has nothing to do with strength, but with decisiveness of action. Strong people that know what to do need just as much help and guidance as weaker people when it comes to the future of their family and finances. Sometimes the bigger picture prevails.


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## The Middleman

Squeakr said:


> This has nothing to do with strength, but with decisiveness of action.


I'm going to agree with you partially here. Decisiveness is the key here; but decisiveness in these situations usually coincides with high degrees of self confidence and a sense of self respect. It's the self confidence, the sense of self respect and the willingness to take quick action that many people view as strength. Take Bashful Bull or Wrathful for example. They took decisive action, yet came here for advice, but no one would call them weak.


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## Tron

Squeakr said:


> Indecisiveness towards someone that has one has lots invested with does not have anything to do with strength, as so many other factors can play out here as well.


QFT


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## weightlifter

We get weak and strong here. Ive seen doormats and ive seen strong men who simply need direction. 

They dont teach how to deal with an affair in those pre wedding classesthey make you take.


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## TDSC60

How can you even remotely consider that she is in love with you after she has had sex with a co-worker in your car after only 18 months of marriage. She cannot be trusted to tell you the truth.

If she is trying to convince you to stay married, she must want something or is not ready to give something up. Security? Do you make more than she does? Did you own a house or condo prior to marriage? I would seriously question her motives. Do not believe anything she says. She has proven to be an experienced liar.

Divorce. Run as far and as fast as you can from this woman. Nothing there for you but more pain and betrayal in the future if you stay.


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## manfromlamancha

First of all I am really sorry to hear your story and that you are here. I read through the whole thread again and am slightly confused. According to what you have said, you are reasonably new in the marriage (1.5 years together for 4 years), there has been no history of arguments, fights, resentment, sexual problems etc and this just came out of the blue! Is that the case ? If so, then one of your real challenges in addition to the obvious one of getting yourself untangled from this mess is to really find out why this happened. It doesn't make any sense at the moment but then I am probably missing some of the pieces in this jigsaw. At the moment it reads like she completely blindsided you with this and you still do not know why. Is "B" really that much of an Adonis or is there some void being filled ?


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## LongWalk

carmen ohio said:


> There is self-selection at work here. Strong men (and women) don't need to post on TAM. They know instinctively what to do, don't tolerate the kind of behavior that often leads to infidelity and, when infidelity occurs, immediately give the WS serious consequences.
> 
> My guess is that most of them decide rather quickly to divorce their WSs rather than try to save their marriages.


This must be true to some degree. But we have no statistics. It would be very interesting if TAM paid for some professional statistical research that included polling of all posters.

Daboss,

Sorry for the pain you are suffering.

How old are you? Is your marriage the conclusion of two persons who decided that it was time to get serious about life by settling down? And if you both felt the clock was ticking, did that influence your falling in love?

Do you feel a desire for hysterical bonding? I imagine that most BS must be torn between disgust for the WS and a desire to cause them to have multiple orgasms so that they are completely exhausted and vulnerable. Since she stopped swallowing you'd probably be watching to see is she switched back in contrition.

Have you gained weight since getting married? Is there some reason that you became less attractive?

What do you think of your sex ranking? Did she feel she was the catch?


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## tom67

LongWalk said:


> This must be true to some degree. But we have no statistics. It would be very interesting if TAM paid for some professional statistical research that included polling of all posters.
> 
> Daboss,
> 
> Sorry for the pain you are suffering.


Daboss come back and vent if you want no one is going to say I told you so, peace bro.


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