# Problem with initation...



## Baileym (Dec 9, 2009)

Hello,

My husband and I seem to be having a "silly" problem with initiation. First I will give you a little background on the situation. I am 29 he is 31 we have been married for almost 8 years. I have been pregnant through most of my 20's we have also been through a lot including the loss of a young child a few years ago. I will admit through all four of my pregnancies I have had a very very low drive and we hardly had sex at all during my last pregnancy.

Our youngest child is just over a year old and a few months after they were born I got my groove back full force despite all the hormones and breastfeeding. Sounds like there would be no problem right??

Well the problem is that I have a hard time initiating sex because I am always wondering if he is really in the mood to or not. A lot of times he will start saying he's tired or just get in bed and start watching tv. He has never turned me down but it always leaves me wondering if he really feels like it or not. I also get really annoyed that he never seems to initiate anymore.

I have talked to him about it and he says he does but the way he goes about it is just odd. If I am in bed before him he will get in bed and start doing things to annoy me like taking my pillows away or some other weird crap that leaves me even more confused. I know he is probably just testing the waters and from all the times that I didn't want to have sex probably made him feel a little bit bad hearing the rejection but I have been sure to NEVER say no even when I am not in the mood to try and fix this.

We otherwise have a great relationship. He is not shy when it comes to sex except maybe just getting it going! I just want it to be less stressful and have it just "happen". Now since it is never clear I have to ask him before I go to bed "do you want to have sex tonight" and on the nights he is thinking it he asks me the same question.


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## janemilda (Dec 21, 2011)

Sometimes a straight up question "Do you want to have sex tonight?" is the easiest way, and the best so that there are no miscommunication problems.

I've found that making it light or silly can sometimes help. "Are we getting horizontal tonight?" "Are you in the mood for a little adult fun?"

Also, my husband and I use texting a lot to communicate about sex. It seems to take the pressure off us both. He sends me a text like "Are we getting dirty tonight?" and I respond appropriately. For some reason, texting about it makes him more likely to initiate it. (He's kind of shy in that regard.)


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

So, you want to have sex, your husband wants to have sex, but you have a problem because it doesn't just organically "happen"? The reason is doesn't just "happen" is because neither of you are mind readers.

Your husband is shy. Men express and experience love through sex and you've spent most of the last decade telling him that you're not so interested in his expressions of love. That is a fundamental rejection for a man. Even if you stop doing it, there's still a lot of conditioning to overcome.

I think you have two options. Either continue to communicate explicitly about whether or not you are about to have sex, or start a schedule for sex so that everything is pre-communicated.

If you decide to have sex every night, or every other night, or every Saturday night, then you don't have to worry about the communication. Both of you know it's business time.

Increased sex should result in increased intimacy and comfort and less confusion.

Good luck.


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## finebyme72 (Jul 12, 2011)

What PHTlump said.


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## Baileym (Dec 9, 2009)

Thanks PHTlump, I think I will talk to him tonight about a schedule.

Now that the shoe is on the other foot and it is ME not knowing if he wants to or not some nights I feel really bad and I wish I would have just done it anyway even if I wasn't "in the mood".


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I can relate, and I was reading other posts looking for some insight.
Someone much wiser than me had posted a suggestion on agreeing to take turns initiating. You talk about and agree that twice a week you will have sex, and take turns who starts it. 

I thought it was a grand idea!! I'm already thinking that might give me some confidence, knowing it will be my turn and I think of creative ways to start things up.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I was under the impression that if a man had a pulse he was in the mood for sex. Maybe thats just me?


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## KenCasanova (Jan 3, 2012)

Yep be straight forward.

Straight forward women are massive turn ons.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

BailyM

My wife sounds like you. She never initiates, she tells me "we all have our crosses to bear"

I do not know what she means by this. Maybe fear of rejection.

Anyway, he is your husband and I think he would appreciate you making the moves on him. Do not worry about him and how he will react.

I do not understand why wives have this hangup about initiating sex with thier husbands. Makes no sense.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Baileym said:


> If I am in bed before him he will get in bed and start doing things to annoy me like taking my pillows away or some other weird crap that leaves me even more confused.


So he's purposely being annoying? And I would hope this is kind of in a cheeky/playful manner? If I was on the receiving end of this, I'd play along at being annoyed (making sure he knew I was just 'playing'), and then either take the submissive or dominant role depending on what you're both into. Does he want to be punished? Does he want you to be feisty back and become the submissive? haha or is my dirty mind reading too much into this? 

Could you start being playful before you hit the bedroom? Maybe tell him in a teasing manner that if he comes to bed and starts removing your pillows, he better be ready for a hot pillow fight... or something like that lol.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

I am just now getting over this.. It was me having the hard time initiate. 

What helped me started initiating more is waiting until it's been a couple days and I know he won't turn me down (fear of rejection), and then after our tv show ends for the night, after massaging him through the show (his back or whatever) start kissing him... If he seems ok with this, I just gear myself to expect to give him a BJ.. And what man turns that down? haha.. If he wants more, he'll pull me up and we'll go for more.. 

it's helped me to make it in stages and expect to just please him... It's not going to be like this forever, but the first time I initiated after a long time of it just being him, he said it hadn't felt that good in a long time. Boosted my confidence and made me want to do it again. You just need to get past that "hump"


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

KenCasanova said:


> Yep be straight forward.
> 
> Straight forward women are massive turn ons.


I have no problem initiating and hubs does love this about me. However ....for the sake of balance, I'm offering the following perspective, and it's that my husband does like a tease and subtlety. He likes a bit of mystery, to let his thoughts linger. Now this could also be a result of him experiencing the straight forward side to me but I think overall, variety is key.

Last night I had the bed sheet just covering part of my naked body and his finger tips were lightly traveling my back and lower back/top of my butt. I playfully raised my hips a little. He caressed me and with a smile said "I know you're being playful but you actually don't need to do those things to entice me. You're just naturally sexy as you are. You're sensual, and exciting and alluring without even realizing it." 

This has stuck with me all day. He stroked my body, I moved in closer to kiss him. I guess all I'm saying is, there's a balance to everything and especially when you've been together a long time, changing it up and rediscovering what is exciting to him is also exciting. Best wishes to you.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Have you told him that you will not reject him?

If my wife would tell me that she would not reject me, a great deal of pressure would be relieved. 

I initiate now even when I don't want to have sex, because I am thinking maybe she does. I don't want to miss the opportunity. Then when she rejects me, it hurts even more.

If I knew that she won't reject me, then I would only initiate when I really wanted to have sex. We would probably have sex an average of 2 or 3 times a week.


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## Baileym (Dec 9, 2009)

Thank you all for the advice! I think deep down I am really afraid he will reject me like I did to him in the past.

SadSamIAm, I haven't straight out told him that I would not reject him but I have pointed out that it has been a long time since I said no. I hope your situation improves as well, until recently I never realized how hurtful it must have been for me to tell him no so frequently. 

When he does "annoying" things it IS in a playful manner, and he thinks he can gauge my moods from my reaction. I just get so annoyed because it wastes so much time, I do have 3 kids a need to wake up to in the morning  I almost miss that "back poke" that I used to complain about! At least with that I knew where things were going.

I am not going to mention a schedule tonight, I am just going to go for it. I am going to initiate as much as possible to get things back to normal again


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

I'm in the same boat with my wife. I avoid initiating because in the past it has led to more rejection than success. And now as soon as I hear 'headache', 'tired', 'upset stomach', randomly say 'legs aren't smooth', 'too tired to shower', etc., I rule it out for the night. Or if she heads to bed groggy, droopy eyes, in a bad mood, etc I rule out any intimacy.

Sometimes she hints at sex during the day for once we get to bed but between her saying that and bedtime, she will say one of the above and I loose the little hope I had (I say 'little' because I am use to this trend and do not get my hopes up high).

She has also said she prefer me initiate but I tell her I won't when she says things like the above all the time. She shrugs it off and says she rarely says those things etc but I've kept a log and can see the trend over many, many weeks. Next time I need to try and keep the discussion going.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Hurra said:


> I'm in the same boat with my wife. I avoid initiating because in the past it has led to more rejection than success. And now as soon as I hear 'headache', 'tired', 'upset stomach', randomly say 'legs aren't smooth', 'too tired to shower', etc., I rule it out for the night. Or if she heads to bed groggy, droopy eyes, in a bad mood, etc I rule out any intimacy.
> 
> Sometimes she hints at sex during the day for once we get to bed but between her saying that and bedtime, she will say one of the above and I loose the little hope I had (I say 'little' because I am use to this trend and do not get my hopes up high).


I know that feeling, and it could almost have been me writing those words. To the original post I would say there is some good advice here, but definately there is a need to relieve that stress of "initiation and possible rejection". Hope it works for you.


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## Mrs. Yes (Jan 5, 2012)

I have struggled with this lately as well - had a talk with my husband and things are great now.

I've never tried it but I have heard of people having a signal. Something on the night stand that indicates when you are in the mood. 

Whatever object needs to have a yes position and a no position. That way you can communicate your mood even if you are too shy to come right out with it.

I saw someone post about rejection as well. I made a resolution this year that I will never deny my husband. I never want him to feel rejected. I really think that it will improve our relationship and lives in great ways! 

Good Luck!

I will never say no in 2012


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't get the 'struggled' part.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hurra said:


> I'm in the same boat with my wife. I avoid initiating because in the past it has led to more rejection than success. And now as soon as I hear 'headache', 'tired', 'upset stomach', randomly say 'legs aren't smooth', 'too tired to shower', etc., I rule it out for the night. Or if she heads to bed groggy, droopy eyes, in a bad mood, etc I rule out any intimacy.
> 
> Sometimes she hints at sex during the day for once we get to bed but between her saying that and bedtime, she will say one of the above and I loose the little hope I had (I say 'little' because I am use to this trend and do not get my hopes up high).
> 
> She has also said she prefer me initiate but I tell her I won't when she says things like the above all the time. She shrugs it off and says she rarely says those things etc but I've kept a log and can see the trend over many, many weeks. Next time I need to try and keep the discussion going.


Be careful about the language you use. As noted above, your husband likely was carefully examining your language in view of sex to figure out when you would be receptive. He may well have trained himself to not initiate (or expect) sex based on your comments. He is likely a bit confused (hence the "annoying"play) becuase you have said things that indicate no interest, but you are acting like you are interested.

Although it is hard, an explanation that things are more turned on for you than they were before, a simple apology for not being more interested previously, and a promise to be more receptive may be helpful (especially if it is immediately followed with a hot kiss and groping).


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## Mrs. Yes (Jan 5, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> I don't get the 'struggled' part.


If you are responding to my use of struggled - then it is just really hard for me to make my needs and wants known - even to my husband of 21 years.

I know it is irrational but it is true and I am taking steps to try to overcome this issue. I am taking huge steps and am very pleased with the response from my husband, which of course encourages me to be more vocal and to initiate.

I suspect my struggle is due to being brought up to be a 'good girl' and thinking that sex is not something good girls are supposed to think about. 

I will never say no in 2012


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