# How infidelity has helped my marriage...



## TX-SC

No, neither of us has cheated. I read the infidelity stories here and I'm appalled at the way married people treat their spouses. And I'm not just talking about the ones that cheat. Even the BS will often say that they never treated their spouse well, but didn't deserve to be cheated on. I agree with that, but why would any person treat their spouse poorly or ignore them??? 

I read the stories here and I go find my wife, give her a huge hug, look her in the eyes and tell her how much she means to me. Could she still cheat? Sure. But if she does she won't be able to ever say that I didn't give her my time, emotional security, or love. She KNOWS she is well loved.


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## straightshooter

TX,

You really hit on something.

Infidelity is such a taboo subject that very few couples ever discuss it seriously other than snide comments when they see it in another marriage or on TV or in a movie. It is like terrible diseases, we always think it will happen to the other guy.

Your wife will never be able to say that to you.

more people should do that


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## jorgegene

marriage is often taken too lightly. i'ts just something we do.
we're suppose to do it aren't we?
we're suppose to go to college, get a good paying job, get married, have kids, work our butts off so we can retire early.
that's what we're suppose to do............right?

wrong. we need to get away from this 'we're suppose to' mentality and enter into every major life decision with more thought than 'suppose to'.

that means elevating our marriages to something really special and precious.

kudos to you sir TX-SC for getting that.


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## Herschel

Make sure she comes on here too. Seriously. You know who you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

TX-SC said:


> No, neither of us has cheated. I read the infidelity stories here and I'm appalled at the way married people treat their spouses. And I'm not just talking about the ones that cheat. Even the BS will often say that they never treated their spouse well, but didn't deserve to be cheated on. I agree with that, but why would any person treat their spouse poorly or ignore them???
> 
> I read the stories here and I go find my wife, give her a huge hug, look her in the eyes and tell her how much she means to me. Could she still cheat? Sure. But if she does she won't be able to ever say that I didn't give her my time, emotional security, or love. She KNOWS she is well loved.


 When I hear a betrayed spouse admit they were neglectful, hurtful , not meeting needs... I give them credit for their honesty... many can't even do that.. all they see is the betrayal & not their own hand.. But I feel .. at least it makes more sense HOW it happened.. but also that it probably wouldn't have happened.. 

Watering our own garden.. it's so simple.. but we let so many things get in the way.. 

I can't say my husband has ever faltered on how well he treats me....Me, however...I've gotten better over the years....more attentive, more affectionate in mid life.. when I realized how fast it was all going for us.. Reading here has opened up some deeper conversations.. the "what IF's".... we do talk about all of these things.. 

In some ways I think I needed a kick in the butt....it does help you to realize what you have at home ...to never take anything for granted.. 

Not long ago.. I clicked on this thread >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/306482-whats-worst-thing-about-infidelity.html ...the emotions shared were so RAW... until we go through something like that... we just don't know the power we have to hurt someone to their core...










One wrong choice..and trust is shattered, things may be able to be put back together.. but the scars remain..


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## jb02157

One thing that has really surprised me is that how things that I would never dream happen in a marriage have happened in my marriage and yet seem to be such common behavior. Had I known this going into marriage I would never have done it and never would have wanted it. I get abused and mistreated enough at work, I don't want to have to go home and start round two of the same thing. No wonder so many young people choose not to get married.


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## EllisRedding

@TX-SC Well said, completely agreed. I have mentioned elsewhere, there have been several times where I try to project some of the issues I have read about here into my marriage (even though they are practically unrelated). Once that happens, I know it is time to take a breather from TAM.


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## lifeistooshort

I'm constantly astonished by how many people like to throw the term "vows" around but are really talking about the vow to stay married.

The vows to love, honor, and cherish are conveniently forgotten. 

How can they leave me? ???? Don't our vows mean anything? ???? Sure, but did you honor the vow to treat your spouse well?

What also gets me are the betrayed hb's, or hb's of wives that just want to leave (though all of those wives are assumed to be cheating here on TAM because women don't leave for any other reason) that admit they were crappy hb's but are told they really aren't that bad and their wife must be rewriting. 

Strangely enough I've never seen a guy who complained about not enough sex accused of rewriting, but I digress.

Maybe they were that bad, and nobody does them a favor by telling them they weren't. They'll continue the behavior going forward if it isn't addressed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA

@SimplyAmorous I agree. I found this post by a wpmen that sums it perfectly.


Why improve yourself *

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

He owned his behavior.*

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *


As to how my exWW adultery help my marriage? Current GF certainly thinks it did too. I wound also state I my ex's debt. It was a bad loan on my part and I have learned to live not in fear but aware. I am very alert but not paranoid.


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## Herschel

jb02157 said:


> One thing that has really surprised me is that how things that I would never dream happen in a marriage have happened in my marriage and yet seem to be such common behavior. Had I known this going into marriage I would never have done it and never would have wanted it. I get abused and mistreated enough at work, I don't want to have to go home and start round two of the same thing. No wonder so many young people choose not to get married.


I disagree. To me, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

And it's not even close.


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## JohnA

@lifeistooshort agreed. Feel free to let me know if there is a thread you feel is out of balance. Not enough sex is used a lot, but it does not make it so. Also the guy needs to look at himself first. There really are two people in relationship after all.


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## EllisRedding

Here is one thing I don't understand. You see the frequent recommendation when a relationship is in trouble that the person should get themselves into shape. If getting into shape is part of the solution (whether it is to attract (or I guess re attract) your SO, make you more desirable, etc...) then why did you let yourself get out of shape in the first place? Why was your relationship not important enough before, was it not worth putting the work in  I know we all get complacent, it is human nature, but it just seems like people get married with the idea that after the wedding bells go off you no longer have to try. Before you know it, you have a spouse who feels abused, ignored, etc...


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## jb02157

Herschel said:


> I disagree. To me, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
> 
> And it's not even close.


Who says you need marriage to fall in love? 

Never in a million years would I ever have thought I would have written that, but that's what a bad marriage does to you. 

You see that the ways you were taught to believe aren't necessarily true anymore. People don't behave or think the way they once did. Putting your all into a marriage does make sense anymore.


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## KJ_Simmons

I dunno TX-SC, sounds like she's cheating to me. Anybody care to post the standard evidence thread? You need to get a VAR under her car seat like yesterday! :grin2:


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## Marduk

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm constantly astonished by how many people like to throw the term "vows" around but are really talking about the vow to stay married.
> 
> The vows to love, honor, and cherish are conveniently forgotten.
> 
> How can they leave me? ???? Don't our vows mean anything? ???? Sure, but did you honor the vow to treat your spouse well?
> 
> What also gets me are the betrayed hb's, or hb's of wives that just want to leave (though all of those wives are assumed to be cheating here on TAM because women don't leave for any other reason) that admit they were crappy hb's but are told they really aren't that bad and their wife must be rewriting.
> 
> Strangely enough I've never seen a guy who complained about not enough sex accused of rewriting, but I digress.
> 
> Maybe they were that bad, and nobody does them a favor by telling them they weren't. They'll continue the behavior going forward if it isn't addressed
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's a giant difference between a walk away spouse that says that they tried to fix things and their partner didn't get it, and someone who is being constantly turned down for sex and says that they're not being told why.

To the former I would say "did you ever write down a short concise list of why you're thinking about leaving your spouse if it doesn't change?"

To the latter, I would say "what's changed since when you were having good sex?"


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## TX-SC

KJ_Simmons said:


> I dunno TX-SC, sounds like she's cheating to me. Anybody care to post the standard evidence thread? You need to get a VAR under her car seat like yesterday! :grin2:


Ha! Well, she's hiding it pretty well!


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## BetrayedDad

SimplyAmorous said:


> When I hear a betrayed spouse admit they were neglectful, hurtful , not meeting needs... I give them credit for their honesty... many can't even do that.. all they see is the betrayal & not their own hand.. But I feel .. at least it makes more sense HOW it happened.. but also that it probably wouldn't have happened..


I take it with a grain of salt. Not to say it's false reflection because no ones perfect.

However, a lot of these BS's are so pumped full of how awful they are by their cheating spouses as a method of blame shifting their POS actions, that many will start to believe the crap they are being told because "why else would their soul mate do this to them?"


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## SimplyAmorous

BetrayedDad said:


> I take it with a grain of salt. Not to say it's false reflection because no ones perfect.
> 
> However, a lot of these BS's are so pumped full of how awful they are by their cheating spouses as a method of blame shifting their POS actions, that many will start to believe the crap they are being told because "why else would their soul mate do this to them?"


Everything should be taken with a grain of salt, shouldn't it?

When myself & husband meet someone in real life.. 1st impressions can be deceiving.. there is no way in the world to really KNOW someone until you have shared some experiences with them.. and had some history, consistency of actions... 
So of course on a forum like this.. how does one wade through the







..... I mean obviously expressing a little humility will help others see us in a more understanding light / some self awareness...but then some just KNOW HOW TO PLAY PEOPLE too.. get them where it cuts.. and abuse it.. it CAN be masked manipulation also.. 

I really like to hear both sides of something before I weigh in (in real life that is).... I don't trust the average person to be as hard on themselves as they are on others.. I think it's the rarer personality who does this.


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## JohnA

I like to read a posters posts on other threads. Often those posts are more informative then their posts on their one threads. I recall one poster in a reconciled marriage never mentioning his physical abuse on his thread. On another he mentions his marriage didn't improve until he went though an anger management class and stopped hitting her. On his thread it was I learned to listen and communicate better with her, well yea, not beating her sure helped too.


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## lifeistooshort

EllisRedding said:


> Here is one thing I don't understand. You see the frequent recommendation when a relationship is in trouble that the person should get themselves into shape. If getting into shape is part of the solution (whether it is to attract (or I guess re attract) your SO, make you more desirable, etc...) then why did you let yourself get out of shape in the first place? Why was your relationship not important enough before, was it not worth putting the work in  I know we all get complacent, it is human nature, but it just seems like people get married with the idea that after the wedding bells go off you no longer have to try. Before you know it, you have a spouse who feels abused, ignored, etc...


Absolutely, I think this all the time. If your SO isn't even worth bringing your A game then how can you be surprised when your marriage doesn't go well?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Diana7

jb02157 said:


> One thing that has really surprised me is that how things that I would never dream happen in a marriage have happened in my marriage and yet seem to be such common behavior. Had I known this going into marriage I would never have done it and never would have wanted it. I get abused and mistreated enough at work, I don't want to have to go home and start round two of the same thing. No wonder so many young people choose not to get married.


and yet there are so many good healthy marriages as well.


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## jdawg2015

Yup, I watched my neighbor with seemingly perfect life and still messed around on his wife and she was a saint.


Diana7 said:


> jb02157 said:
> 
> 
> 
> One thing that has really surprised me is that how things that I would never dream happen in a marriage have happened in my marriage and yet seem to be such common behavior. Had I known this going into marriage I would never have done it and never would have wanted it. I get abused and mistreated enough at work, I don't want to have to go home and start round two of the same thing. No wonder so many young people choose not to get married.
> 
> 
> 
> and yet there are so many good healthy marriages as well.
Click to expand...


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## Horizon

TX-SC said:


> No, neither of us has cheated. I read the infidelity stories here and I'm appalled at the way married people treat their spouses. And I'm not just talking about the ones that cheat. Even the BS will often say that they never treated their spouse well, but didn't deserve to be cheated on. I agree with that, but why would any person treat their spouse poorly or ignore them???
> 
> I read the stories here and I go find my wife, give her a huge hug, look her in the eyes and tell her how much she means to me. Could she still cheat? Sure. But if she does she won't be able to ever say that I didn't give her my time, emotional security, or love. She KNOWS she is well loved.


Why? For so many reasons - I rejected her, I remember not wanting to be around her. It comes back more and more that fact. It wasn't just the snide remarks and the depression and weight gain and cynicism - we were raising 2 young children, she was earning all the bucks, I was Mr Mum and working part time and still I grew to resent her

Why? She drank, every night, she watched US Medical dramas and other trash TV. Sex stopped. I was bored and stuck - mortgage and children and depression (which I did not realise at the time). I had not stood up and faced reality - I wasn't able to because I was sick, my energy was gone.

Neither of us faced up to this - there were many arguments; bad arguments. Anyone else would have quit but we kept going. We were rolling along the bottom of the barrel but hanging in there - ignoring the deep problems.

She chose to have an affair - she responded to the attention, she took the bait. It made her feel good. I have always owned up to my contribution to the environment where an affair could flourish but I didn't deserve to be subjected to it.

Is anyone unclear as to the quality of many relationships out there? Surely not. In any case an affair is not justified. The fallout is terrible. We are still under the same roof and not a day passes where I do not see her and think about and wonder about what she did. And that's after more than three years.


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## arbitrator

*The marital or even premarital discussion of infidelity or boundaries was never a matter of discussion between me and either of my ex-wives! Aside from our verbal marital vows made to each other, there was just this "implied" universal understanding that our marriage would be chaste!

Let's just say that there will be a serious heart-to-heart discussion about that touchy subject matter along with a disclosure of their past history regarding infidelity, with any potential Mrs. A!
*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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