# Frustrated.. need advice



## curvymaiden (Oct 29, 2014)

Hello, I’m a 54 y/o female, married for 6 years and together for 13.. my question is what do u ladies do if there is no sex in the marriage? I mean it’s been 5 years or more since our last time. I truly love my husband but every time I bring up our lack of sex he gets angry and deflects it back to me like I don’t try to ever initiate ( which I do but always leads to rejection) . He has absolutely no sex drive and has lost any confidence he had ,when we first met he initiated all the time. I am not in a bad marriage, he cooks and takes care of everything I ever need except my sexual desires, I think it’s more him , like maybe physically or mentally he can’t perform or rise to the occasion so he doesn’t even try anymore. He also binge drinks once a week or so and I think that plays a role. Is there something I can do to help him past this ? Discussing it soberly or even when we’re drink does no good. I’m at a loss and tired of trying myself..advice? I will not divorce, I meant my vows and deeply love him.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

What led to him losing his confidence?

How about instead of making the "event" a high anxiety event for him, where his confidence and insecurity and lack of desire are put on the stage in front of the spotlights, etc., you instead just reach down and start playing with his equipment. A slow handjob to start. Does he get erect? Is this ED that is a problem or is it something in his thoughts.

Is it you? Does he still find you attractive? 

How is your non-sexual affection outside of the bedroom?

If it's his confidence, then you could probably rebuild it.


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## Kathlene (Nov 14, 2020)

Sounds like he's a good roommate. Nobody here can tell you why he doesn't want to have sex with you. It could be that he's not attracted to you, impotence, or a combination of both. Only he can answer that. In the mean time, rank everything he does and doesn't and if sex is high on the list, leave him. He can be replaced. There's tons of men out here that can satisfy you sexually. You don't want to stay until you're 60 and end up regretting it.


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## curvymaiden (Oct 29, 2014)

Lance Mannion said:


> What led to him losing his confidence?
> 
> How about instead of making the "event" a high anxiety event for him, where his confidence and insecurity and lack of desire are put on the stage in front of the spotlights, etc., you instead just reach down and start playing with his equipment. A slow handjob to start. Does he get erect? Is this ED that is a problem or is it something in his thoughts.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I have tried the hand job, sometimes works and sometimes not. Usually after sitting up all night drinking beer together and talking. Our non sexual affection is there, I make it a point to kiss him every night and tell him I love him. I think it’s been so long at this point we are both scared and so we just don’t. I tell him all the time how proud I am of him, but he’s a seasonal farm worker so I think not having a job sometimes bothers him. And I always had the secure income( nurse) but I got fired in October for ******** in ER so I’m not exactly at my high point either.. I think I’m decent looking and I don’t think he’s unattracted to me. I will keep trying, I appreciate your input.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

curvymaiden said:


> Thank you. I have tried the hand job, sometimes works and sometimes not. Usually after sitting up all night drinking beer together and talking. Our non sexual affection is there, I make it a point to kiss him every night and tell him I love him. I think it’s been so long at this point we are both scared and so we just don’t. I tell him all the time how proud I am of him, but he’s a seasonal farm worker so I think not having a job sometimes bothers him. And I always had the secure income( nurse) but I got fired in October for ****** in ER so I’m not exactly at my high point either.. I think I’m decent looking and I don’t think he’s unattracted to me. I will keep trying, I appreciate your input.


When you say kiss him, what do you mean? I've never given my wife these quick pecks, never. What I do is I settle into a kiss, it has to be long enough for both of our focuses to shift away from wherever and into the moment, enough time for my hand to caress her face, enough time for me to pull her body towards mine. It's not a "make-out session" but it's enough time for feelings to well up. She knows that I've kissed her goodbye for the day or hello, I'm back for the night.

Is your kiss of this type or more fleeting? You write that you kiss him every night, does that mean in bed? How about greeting him at the door when he comes home from work? Again, if this is his confidence, then he needs that built up because his "erection event" is screwing his mind up with anxiety, he needs to be totally secure in the event of failure, and your love and desire for him would help create that safe space.

A sure way of dealing with anxiety is to avoid situations which produce anxiety. Avoiding sex is a rational way of avoiding facing an anxious event, a failure. A handjob simply because you want to give him one, removes some pressure. You want to see his mighty johnson (LOL) at full effect.


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## curvymaiden (Oct 29, 2014)

Kathlene said:


> Sounds like he's a good roommate. Nobody here can tell you why he doesn't want to have sex with you. It could be that he's not attracted to you, impotence, or a combination of both. Only he can answer that. In the mean time, rank everything he does and doesn't and if sex is high on the list, leave him. He can be replaced. There's tons of men out here that can satisfy you sexually. You don't want to stay until you're 60 and end up regretting it.


I’ve asked him straight out both why and if he’s not attracted anymore. Usually end up in a fight or he flips it all on me and I know it takes to to tango.. then I put up a wall and quit bringing it up.


Lance Mannion said:


> When you say kiss him, what do you mean? I've never given my wife these quick pecks, never. What I do is I settle into a kiss, it has to be long enough for both of our focuses to shift away from wherever and into the moment, enough time for my hand to caress her face, enough time for me to pull her body towards mine. It's not a "make-out session" but it's enough time for feelings to well up. She knows that I've kissed her goodbye for the day or hello, I'm back for the night.
> 
> Is your kiss of this type or more fleeting? You write that you kiss him every night, does that mean in bed? How about greeting him at the door when he comes home from work? Again, if this is his confidence, then he needs that built up because his "erection event" is screwing his mind up with anxiety, he needs to be totally secure in the event of failure, and your love and desire for him would help create that safe space.
> 
> A sure way of dealing with anxiety is to avoid situations which produce anxiety. Avoiding sex is a rational way of avoiding facing an anxious event, a failure. A handjob simply because you want to give him one, removes some pressure. You want to see his mighty johnson (LOL) at full effect.


Thank you for that. I will work on both areas( longer kisses and hand jobs with no pressure). Maybe it will help 👍


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

curvymaiden said:


> I’ve asked him straight out both why and if he’s not attracted anymore. Usually end up in a fight or he flips it all on me and I know it takes to to tango.. then I put up a wall and quit bringing it up.
> 
> Thank you for that. I will work on both areas( longer kisses and hand jobs with no pressure). Maybe it will help 👍


When you ask him why that puts a bright spotlight on the issue and now he is under pressure to answer for himself. He's cornered, so he's going to lash out.

Men, and women too, with insecurity issues have to be handled with kid gloves for a while. There is the tough love approach, but the drama and hurt is pretty high if you go that route. The gentler approach is to work to invalidate their fears. If he has performance anxiety, remove the pressure. See whether his ED is caused by anxiety or by biology. If he's not getting erect with your gentle, fun, lighthearted, no-pressure, play and your man is also non-plussed (so you know the pressure is not present) then time for a doctor's visit for ED and you're there with him, supporting, non-judgemental (he doesn't want to see in your eyes that he's a failure as a man.)

Your kisses, your snuggling, your caress of his face, signal love and acceptance. Build this over time. If he's avoiding an issue, then he's fragile.

Good luck. 

Maybe some other folks will come along and give you more food for thought.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

curvymaiden said:


> Hello, I’m a 54 y/o female, married for 6 years and together for 13.. my question is what do u ladies do if there is no sex in the marriage? I mean it’s been 5 years or more since our last time. I truly love my husband but every time I bring up our lack of sex he gets angry and deflects it back to me like I don’t try to ever initiate ( which I do but always leads to rejection) . He has absolutely no sex drive and has lost any confidence he had ,when we first met he initiated all the time. I am not in a bad marriage, he cooks and takes care of everything I ever need except my sexual desires, I think it’s more him , like maybe physically or mentally he can’t perform or rise to the occasion so he doesn’t even try anymore. He also binge drinks once a week or so and I think that plays a role. Is there something I can do to help him past this ? Discussing it soberly or even when we’re drink does no good. I’m at a loss and tired of trying myself..advice? I will not divorce, I meant my vows and deeply love him.


Sounds like you have a roommate that does most of the cooking.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sometimes you have to start simple and build from there. Human touch carries a lot of loving information without using words. Start slow like taking a shower together. It’s a great excuse to touch your partner. Everyone likes to be touched. Back scratch is good also.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

curvymaiden said:


> Hello, I’m a 54 y/o female, married for 6 years and together for 13.. my question is what do u ladies do if there is no sex in the marriage? I mean it’s been 5 years or more since our last time. I truly love my husband but every time I bring up our lack of sex he gets angry and deflects it back to me like I don’t try to ever initiate ( which I do but always leads to rejection) . He has absolutely no sex drive and has lost any confidence he had ,when we first met he initiated all the time. I am not in a bad marriage, he cooks and takes care of everything I ever need except my sexual desires, I think it’s more him , like maybe physically or mentally he can’t perform or rise to the occasion so he doesn’t even try anymore. He also binge drinks once a week or so and I think that plays a role. Is there something I can do to help him past this ? Discussing it soberly or even when we’re drink does no good. I’m at a loss and tired of trying myself..advice? I will not divorce, I meant my vows and deeply love him.


Hi curvymaiden,
I have no encouraging advice for you, just support. I've been in your shoes, and it was a slow decline over a decade in the making. We tried counseling, he saw a doctor, didn't want to take the Viagra, didn't want to do the intimacy exercises the therapist gave us. Nothing I tried to do, including getting fit worked (he still had a beer belly). It turned out he preferred to use porn and masturbate, sex was "too much work", there were no lingering kisses, like Lance mentioned, no passion.

Honestly, he sucked the joy out of my life and I was depressed long before he ended up cheating with an employee. He sounds checked out and dealing with other issues. Only you can decide if you can live like this, and only he can decide if he wants to do better. I loved my husband until the bitter end, even after what he did. It made no difference, so I walked away.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

curvymaiden said:


> Hello, I’m a 54 y/o female, married for 6 years and together for 13.. my question is what do u ladies do if there is no sex in the marriage? I mean it’s been 5 years or more since our last time. I truly love my husband but every time I bring up our lack of sex he gets angry and deflects it back to me like I don’t try to ever initiate ( which I do but always leads to rejection) . He has absolutely no sex drive and has lost any confidence he had ,when we first met he initiated all the time. I am not in a bad marriage, he cooks and takes care of everything I ever need except my sexual desires, I think it’s more him , like maybe physically or mentally he can’t perform or rise to the occasion so he doesn’t even try anymore. He also binge drinks once a week or so and I think that plays a role. Is there something I can do to help him past this ? Discussing it soberly or even when we’re drink does no good. I’m at a loss and tired of trying myself..advice? I will not divorce, I meant my vows and deeply love him.


I bet he is having trouble with erectile dysfunction because I have certainly known and heard of men who won't come right out and say it and will instead just make up excuses not to have sex because it's humiliating to them. But he needs to go to a doctor, urologist.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

curvymaiden said:


> Hello, I’m a 54 y/o female, married for 6 years and together for 13.. my question is what do u ladies do if there is no sex in the marriage? I mean it’s been 5 years or more since our last time. I truly love my husband but every time I bring up our lack of sex he gets angry and deflects it back to me like I don’t try to ever initiate ( which I do but always leads to rejection) . He has absolutely no sex drive and has lost any confidence he had ,when we first met he initiated all the time. I am not in a bad marriage, he cooks and takes care of everything I ever need except my sexual desires, I think it’s more him , like maybe physically or mentally he can’t perform or rise to the occasion so he doesn’t even try anymore. He also binge drinks once a week or so and I think that plays a role. Is there something I can do to help him past this ? Discussing it soberly or even when we’re drink does no good. I’m at a loss and tired of trying myself..advice? I will not divorce, I meant my vows and deeply love him.


When you say you will not divorce, you are taking away almost the only advice that anyone can give you in a situation like yours. There are NO magic pills or words or techniques that can force a sexually disinterested partner to suddenly start to care and engage about sexual things, when they are seemingly happy living their lives without sex. He does NOT want to try to have sex with you. It doesn't matter why, he is happy with your non-sex life the way it is, so he has no reason to change that unless he cares about your needs as much or more than he cares about his own...and it's obvious from how he won't talk about it with you at all that he doesn't. 

You need to decide if you are willing to accept him the way he is, which means you give up sex as well, because that is what you will have if you stay with him - NO sex. And that's ok if you can handle it. If he is worth it to you, then you only need to find a way to live without sex with him. But you most likely are not going to change him.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> He does NOT want to try to have sex with you. It doesn't matter why, he is happy with your non-sex life the way it is, so he has no reason to change that unless he cares about your needs as much or more than he cares about his own...and it's obvious from how he won't talk about it with you at all that he doesn't.


Of course it matters why. You're advising to take everything at face value but there's lots going on with people behind their masks.

Let's flip the situation. A woman doesn't want to have sex. Well, why not? Do some probing and you discover she still loves and desires her husband. Well, what's the problem? Keep looking. Now she admits her deep anxiety. She hates the baby weight she can't lose and she hates her stretch marks. This has snowballed into a huge self-induced anxiety problem for her so she avoids the issue by not being naked in front of her husband and not having sex with him. He fixes the issue by chipping away at her anxiety, how much he loves her and those stretch marks are a badge of love, she gave him his beautiful family and his love and desire for her is undying. Keep at it, keep at it, her anxiety drops, she sees it was all in her head, her husband is still hot for her.

Of course it matters why. Some of those whys are solvable. 

The OP has a husband who is either Low Desire, has transferred his desire to another woman, has no desire for his wife, or he's dealing with his own issues, be they mental or physical.

Also, just because he's in this no-sex state we shouldn't presume he's happy about it. People who avoid conflict are not happy about their lives, they're happy to avoid conflict. This means he could be sad about the state of his sex life but happy that he doesn't have to deal with the issue, that he and his wife are simply tip-toeing around the sensitive issue and so his ego is spared.

As much as I like logic, lots of issues in marriages play out in the realm of feelings, not logic. You're being too logical here, taking everything at face value.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What is his background? Was there any point where you rejected him? Was he married before? Is he religious?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Soooo you were together for 7 years when you got married. One year into the marriage, he suddenly didn't want sex anymore. And that makes 8 years of having a sexual relationship. Did I do the math correctly?

If so, I really don't see how this could be a confidence issue. But hey, it's a guy or a couple guys that brought it up, so I don't want to disregard their manly advice about another man. That means you're going to have to think back really hard to remember what was going on just prior to this sudden change in your husband.

1. Did you innocently say something about him or your sex life, or your own (dis)satisfaction that he might have taken the wrong way?

2. Is it possible he overheard you speak of a former lover?

3. Did he hear you speak of or ever see you admire the physique of another man?

4. Did you ever comment on the size of another man's private parts (a former lover or even when watching porn)

5. Is it likely he ever overheard you and girlfriends during girl talk?

6. Did you ever ask him to perform differently than the way he normally performed?

7. Did he discover you were promiscuous before you met him (a bunch of lovers)?

8. Did you used to reject his advances on a rather regular basis?

9. Did you have a baby that he witnessed?

10. Did you become more sexual than you had ever been previously, as in increased libido?

11. Did you anger him at some point that he became resentful?

Can you think of anything whatsoever that may have affected his confidence? I know men can be very sensitive sometimes, so this may be hard to figure out, so closely examine everything you can think of.

You may never be able to pinpoint what happened or if anything happened. I'm just saying I don't understand a guy losing his confidence after 8 years of a mutually-satisfying sex life. And even in the ensuing 5 years, you have let him know you love him and want to be intimate with him and you've been affectionate and all that jazz, so what gives? A person being A sexual is one thing. A sexual person suddenly becoming A sexual is cause for concern.

That brings me to other possibilities:

a. He masturbates (with or without pornography) rather than have sex with you.
b. He has erectile dysfunction that he's too ashamed or afraid to address.
c. He has no sex drive due to low testosterone.
d. He began taking some medication(s) 5 years ago that affects his ability.
e. He is drinking more than you know about.

There are probably other possible causes that I can't think of right now, so maybe the guys will help us out here. At any rate, it's time you took the reins to figure things out, rather than relying on his word and blaming you. I'm pretty sure that what he told you is the same we've heard from other women that their husband told them - blame her to avoid the subject. It's easier to do than face that there may be a problem.

The first thing to do is get him to his primary care physician. No, don't ask him to go see the doctor. You make the appointment and then drag him to it. When he resists and argues and refuses to go, tell him you're doing it because you care. Don't make it about wanting sex. Make it about the fact that he can't have sex, which indicates there is something wrong, and you are concerned for his health. That could be something as simple as medication side effects (blood pressure meds, antidepressants, cholesterol meds, cold medicine [Nyquil], etc.), or his hormones (certain medications decrease testosterone or it can occur naturally) are out of whack. Or it could be something as serious as a problem of some sort with his prostate. It could be almost anything. Whatever it is, a full physical and blood workup will reveal the problem and let the doc know what needs to be done.

When you make the appointment, schedule it for early in the morning so he can give a fasting blood sample, which means he can't eat or drink anything but water before the draw. Early morning appointment prevents him from having to go hungry before the appointment.

Second thing is ruling out masturbation. If you don't know whether he masturbates, I have no idea how you can go about discovering it, but you have to figure out a way. I'm not sure you could take his word for it if you asked him. More and more men these days spend a lot of time alone with their computer and porn/dating sites. Check out all of his devices.

The third thing I can think of is what I call the "Good Girl Complex." This a psychological thing that possibly begins in boyhood. Many young men are taught (or used to be taught, I don't know about these days lol) to have fun and mess around with the bad girls until they are ready to settle down, and then marry a good girl. So they establish the good girl type of image in their mind. If they discover the woman they married is sexual by nature, it may not bother them because they might deem it useful for a satisfying sex life. But if she is or becomes what they classify as overly sexual - a nympho as they might consider her - they can't handle the idea of being married to a bad girl. And that impacts their ability to perform with her.

And this is the thing: If you're 54 now, then you were roughly 49 when this began, which means you were into or entering into menopause, While many women lose or experience decreased sex drive during menopause, other women experience increased libido, and their husband has to keep up. That is, the husbands who are able and willing to keep up and are not psychologically consumed with the "Good Girl Complex" from their childhood.

Does that sound like something that might have occurred?


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## curvymaiden (Oct 29, 2014)

sokillme said:


> What is his background? Was there any point where you rejected him? Was he married before? Is he religious?


He has a lot of unresolved mommy issues from early childhood trauma. She passed away before they could be resolved. He had 5 different step dads and multiple other boyfriends living with his mom growing up. He’s been in depression before and even when we first started seeing each other. Then he went to prison for a year for dui and has tamed way down on drinking but still binge drinks weekly( weekends) but stays at home or very close to home. He’s very intelligent, but never has applied himself or had the self confidence to believe in himself. He’s a hard worker, and enjoys being outdoors on the farm working when he’s needed. He was married 7 years before with 3 step kids( now grown and moved out with ex wife) and never had kids of his own. As far as rejection , I’ve always stood by him even in jail, jail changed him and seemed to tame him to quit taking so many risks. I’m way more religious but he does believe in God.


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## curvymaiden (Oct 29, 2014)

StarFires said:


> Soooo you were together for 7 years when you got married. One year into the marriage, he suddenly didn't want sex anymore. And that makes 8 years of having a sexual relationship. Did I do the math correctly?
> 
> If so, I really don't see how this could be a confidence issue. But hey, it's a guy or a couple guys that brought it up, so I don't want to disregard their manly advice about another man. That means you're going to have to think back really hard to remember what was going on just prior to this sudden change in your husband.
> 
> ...


I would say it is b,c,d but if I go back to when things changed it’s when I moved in with him and my daughter lived there the first year with us in our little house. I personally think the chase was over and even though it was him who asked me to move in, he missed the excitement of the chase and hook up. My daughter went to college the next year but the pattern had changed. I had to drag him to the dr and that was 2-3 years ago for a basic work up. Everything was normal but later he got out on BP meds. Now we have no insurance so until I find another job that’s probably not going to happen. I probably am the one who suffers from the good girl syndrome as I grew up in a religious home where sex was “dirty “ so it’s really hard for me to be aggressive and initiate. I appreciate your comment, it’s food for thought definitely.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

curvymaiden said:


> Everything was normal but later he got out on BP meds. Now we have no insurance so until I find another job that’s probably not going to happen.


There are BP meds that Walmart sells for $4. Do you know a doc who will write him a prescription? Or he can transfer his current prescription (provided he has refills left) to Walmart.

So many hospitals are overwhelmed right now. Hard to believe you can't find a job. So weird. I wish you luck though.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Lance Mannion said:


> Of course it matters why. You're advising to take everything at face value but there's lots going on with people behind their masks.
> 
> Let's flip the situation. A woman doesn't want to have sex. Well, why not? Do some probing and you discover she still loves and desires her husband. Well, what's the problem? Keep looking. Now she admits her deep anxiety. She hates the baby weight she can't lose and she hates her stretch marks. This has snowballed into a huge self-induced anxiety problem for her so she avoids the issue by not being naked in front of her husband and not having sex with him. He fixes the issue by chipping away at her anxiety, how much he loves her and those stretch marks are a badge of love, she gave him his beautiful family and his love and desire for her is undying. Keep at it, keep at it, her anxiety drops, she sees it was all in her head, her husband is still hot for her.
> 
> ...


What I am being here is not "logical", it's REALISTIC. Take my sentence as a whole to get my full meaning - the reason I said it doesn't matter is because he refuses to talk about it or even acknowledge that there is a problem...you cannot work with a partner on any issue if that is their attitude. OF COURSE it's solvable. Even a man who cannot "perform" can be sexual with his wife. But HE has to want to choose that with her.

It is a CHOICE for partners to refuse sexual expression with their spouses. If they don't feel any sense of love or care about meeting their spouse's needs that causes them to reconsider choosing to reject them, then the only option is to ACCEPT it and decide to live with it, or NOT.

Read through the "sexless marriage" threads on here...there are almost no turn-arounds. That's not logic - it's realistic.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

If you investigate his porn use it might tell you if he is purposefully directing his "energy" away from you. This might be a whole different ballgame. You should feel little to no sympathy for him if this were the case. Pornhub has more traffic then Netflix so porn use is incredibly widespread.. a very sad, hidden epidemic.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

curvymaiden said:


> He has a lot of unresolved mommy issues from early childhood trauma. She passed away before they could be resolved. He had 5 different step dads and multiple other boyfriends living with his mom growing up. He’s been in depression before and even when we first started seeing each other. Then he went to prison for a year for dui and has tamed way down on drinking but still binge drinks weekly( weekends) but stays at home or very close to home. He’s very intelligent, but never has applied himself or had the self confidence to believe in himself. He’s a hard worker, and enjoys being outdoors on the farm working when he’s needed. He was married 7 years before with 3 step kids( now grown and moved out with ex wife) and never had kids of his own. As far as rejection , I’ve always stood by him even in jail, jail changed him and seemed to tame him to quit taking so many risks. I’m way more religious but he does believe in God.


OK all those things probably contribute to this. As far as rejection, I mean rejecting his advances. I doubt this is your situation but I think if one partner rejects the others advances enough it can destroy your desire for that person even if they come around later.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I bet he is having trouble with erectile dysfunction because I have certainly known and heard of men who won't come right out and say it and will instead just make up excuses not to have sex because it's humiliating to them. But he needs to go to a doctor, urologist.


For sure ED is the issue, and performance anxiety too. After so long, he has built a habit of having no sex with his wife. He is probably very depressed about this and his work situation. And binge drinking isn't going to improve any of these matters. Alcohol can actually cause ED even in a young man. There are plenty of possible ways to fix these issues and he is more blessed than most to have a wife who still wants to be with him, am amazed you have put up with this for so long. A lot of wives in your circumstances would have justifiably left long ago.

You can of course be supportive but HE is the one who must address the issue. Evidently he doesn't want to solve the problem or he would have been working the problem from the beginning. BTW, he has a mouth and two hands so having ED is no excuse for not being intimate with you in all possible ways. And the more that he is intimate, the more he will desire and enjoy intimacy, the ED may resolve on it's own. Success breeds success.

IMHO, cooking and all the rest counts for nothing if sexual intimacy is absent in a marriage. That is the core of why we marry in the first place. Sad you are going through this, you deserve better.


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## curvymaiden (Oct 29, 2014)

StarFires said:


> There are BP meds that Walmart sells for $4. Do you know a doc who will write him a prescription? Or he can transfer his current prescription (provided he has refills left) to Walmart.
> 
> So many hospitals are overwhelmed right now. Hard to believe you can't find a job. So weird. I wish you luck though.


Well being terminated ( never been in my life) I’m not sure how my references are checking out. I will eventually find a place, even if it’s not ideal. And our doctor was part of the reason I got fired so I need to find a new primary care doctor for us both. Small rural area where everyone knows everything about you🙄


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## curvymaiden (Oct 29, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> What I am being here is not "logical", it's REALISTIC. Take my sentence as a whole to get my full meaning - the reason I said it doesn't matter is because he refuses to talk about it or even acknowledge that there is a problem...you cannot work with a partner on any issue if that is their attitude. OF COURSE it's solvable. Even a man who cannot "perform" can be sexual with his wife. But HE has to want to choose that with her.
> 
> It is a CHOICE for partners to refuse sexual expression with their spouses. If they don't feel any sense of love or care about meeting their spouse's needs that causes them to reconsider choosing to reject them, then the only option is to ACCEPT it and decide to live with it, or NOT.
> 
> Read through the "sexless marriage" threads on here...there are almost no turn-arounds. That's not logic - it's realistic.


I agree. It’s a choice. And I’m at the stage of acceptance or rejection...


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

curvymaiden said:


> I agree. It’s a choice. And I’m at the stage of acceptance or rejection...


((((((((((HUGS!!!))))))))))

I understand from experience the pain and frustration that you are going through - it's confusing and it HURTS...and I'm really sorry you are going through it too!!!!


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## curvymaiden (Oct 29, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> ((((((((((HUGS!!!))))))))))
> 
> I understand from experience the pain and frustration that you are going through - it's confusing and it HURTS...and I'm really sorry you are going through it too!!!!


Thank you❤


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

OP, I might have missed it, but why did you get fired?

I think he lacks confidence, and this extends to both inside and outside the bedroom. It’s amazing what just a half a pill can do to get over any anxiety. Before he knows it, he won’t have to take a pill at all. Also, no sex in 5 years I wonder what he is doing for his release? Is it possible he’s questioning his sexuality? Is he still attracted to women?


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## curvymaiden (Oct 29, 2014)

We had a bad code in the middle of the night (5 hrs long) and they said my performance was placing them at a liability. Never mind the fact that I’ve only been in 5 or 6 in 22 years of employment and the guy left stable to another facility. I questioned the dr barking orders ( which I was right to) and when I went home the next morning I found out he told me the wrong solution to mix a drug in. It didn’t hurt the patient but I think it pissed him off that I questioned it.. I also just came back from heart surgery so I think that had something to do with it but the can’t say that because it’s discrimination. I live in a right to fire state so technically they don’t need a reason. It has been devastating for me but I keep trying to make it positive and that is my mindset. Something better will come along. I give him space so he probably does masturbate but I haven’t seen it. He used to look at porn so I will check his browsing history when he’s at work. There is no way he swings the other way, made too many statements to the contrary. Thank u for your input..


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

curvymaiden said:


> There is no way he swings the other way, made too many statements to the contrary.


Those are the ones who swing the other way. lol
Just saying you can't rely on that. Down under guys say all kinds of things so people don't catch on.

Sorry you lost your job.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

curvymaiden said:


> He used to look at porn so I will check his browsing history when he’s at work.


Something happened a year into your marriage, seven years ago? If he started watching porn in preference to being intimate with the real live willing wife within reach, ( something I personally can't fathom ) that something must have had a major hit to his psyche. I have read there is something called PIED, porn induced erectile dysfunction. But a competent urologist can sort all of that out with testing and design a course of action that can fix him. The doctor can quickly determine if it is psychological or physical. And either can be fixed! There are probably millions of older men who have walked that road and are fully functional today. But somehow he has to become convinced that is so and that a much happier life awaits him if he will just take the first step.

Would he talk with you about the good old days of your first seven years together? Talk about how those days could return? Does he have a close male friend or relative he could discuss the problems with? Not sure why discussing these problems is such a big damn deal for many men, given the misery they are tolerating for themselves and their wives


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## curvymaiden (Oct 29, 2014)

His best friend commuted suicide shortly after he got out of prison, his only other close male friend is a narcissist deluxe, he’s tried to bring up things and it always switches back to his friend. I tell him all the time he needs new friends, ones that actually care🙄 I just looked at his history on the computer and it’s empty which is suspicious to me..I will approach him tonight and ask why that is. May end up fighting but I hide nothing from him so he shouldn’t do that to me.


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## curvymaiden (Oct 29, 2014)

curvymaiden said:


> His best friend commuted suicide shortly after he got out of prison, his only other close male friend is a narcissist deluxe, he’s tried to bring up things and it always switches back to his friend. I tell him all the time he needs new friends, ones that actually care🙄 I just looked at his history on the computer and it’s empty which is suspicious to me..I will approach him tonight and ask why that is. May end up fighting but I hide nothing from him so he shouldn’t do that to me.


And thank you for ur input!❤


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sometimes, to save and improve the relationship, you need to be willing to end or destroy it. File for divorce. He needs to deal with your complaints, or let things end. His response will give you the answer to this. Most likely, he has low testosterone, or else he really does not find you attractive whatsoever sexually - you're just a convenient roommate. Find out which, and act accordingly.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

curvymaiden said:


> I just looked at his history on the computer and it’s empty which is suspicious to me..I will approach him tonight and ask why that is. May end up fighting but I hide nothing from him so he shouldn’t do that to me.


No, no. Pick your battles and save the fight for another time. See if you can use one of these methods to restore the search history.

*How to Recover Deleted History on Google Chrome Windows 10/Android/iPhone*


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

StarFires said:


> No, no. Pick your battles and save the fight for another time. See if you can use one of these methods to restore the search history.


*How to Recover Deleted History on Google Chrome Windows 10/Android/iPhone*

Sounds like you're on to something.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Come to think of it, check for dating sites too, not just porn sites. If you find any, start checking his credit/debit cards for strange charges to see if he has been meeting up with anyone.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Has he had hit T level checked? If he is drinking beer he might as well be taking estrogen pills. Beer is not good for men. First rule in body building is not to drink beer, it damages testosterone levels.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Has he had hit T level checked? If he is drinking beer he might as well be taking estrogen pills. Beer is not good for men. First rule in body building is not to drink beer, it damages testosterone levels.


Yes T levels, estradiol too, . But the man has to take the initiative with this. Reading the history, he had a horrible upbringing, drinks enough to go to prison for a year ( repeat DWI? ), best friend kills himself, has had ED for years maybe from watching porn.  Drinking too much, especially beer, BP meds, aging, it's no wonder his gittup n go has left the room! He is depressed! Who wouldn't be under circumstances?

I personally doubt he has any energy for watching porn, certainly not for dating. Depression, especially if he takes meds for that would put another nail in the coffin of male sexual ability.


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## curvymaiden (Oct 29, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> Yes T levels, estradiol too, . But the man has to take the initiative with this. Reading the history, he had a horrible upbringing, drinks enough to go to prison for a year ( repeat DWI? ), best friend kills himself, has had ED for years maybe from watching porn. Drinking too much, especially beer, BP meds, aging, it's no wonder his gittup n go has left the room! He is depressed! Who wouldn't be under circumstances?
> 
> I personally doubt he has any energy for watching porn, certainly not for dating. Depression, especially if he takes meds for that would put another nail in the coffin of male sexual ability.


Thank you. I will suggest this next time I get him to the dr. I’ll speak privately with the dr to draw a level on those things..


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