# help!!!



## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

I need some advice, I suspect my wife is having an emtional online affair. Earlier in the year she had reconnected with and ex-boyfriend from highschool. She has been flirting with him cuz unfortunately that is her personality, she is closer to guy friends than girl friends. She keep telling me" we are JUST friends." In the past year I have noticed her decline in intamacy. I brought that to her attention time and time again, and she keeps telling my "why are you always making me change? She still has not changed, but I have given up on trying to get her more intamate. She keeps saying "why do you always make me out to be the bad guy?" So I feel guilty about the whole argument, she says i am jealous and need to fix that. She also get real defensive when I ask her to express her feelings, like I am up to something. Al we talk about is work, that lasts for about 10 mins. Then the room goes quiet, when that happens, she tends to ignore me, I just feel so "disconnected" in our relationship. Recently we decided to start researching the adoption process. My wife stated that she thinks I will never decide to adopt. Bue to the fact that I wanted to finish my degree, (which was complete in Oct) and get my National certification last month, She said I "keep putting it off on to the back burner." She even stated that she concidered leaving me a couple of months ago. But didn't becasue "then she will be twice divorced and a single it is harder to adopt." Well her conversations with this friend have now become more secretive, and more frequent. She only uses the computer when I am not home or asleep, Her iphone and her blackberry are cleared constantly, never answered the phone in front of me... and the last thing is that she texts and igonres me when I ask, and also ignore me when she is having a texting conversation. I have tried recommended councelling and it was like it fell on deaf ears. I just need some opinions and advice.


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## TabbyCat (Jun 13, 2009)

I would say you should go to counceling, together or alone. Try a different therapist. It sounds like there are some trust issues and you really can't go on until those are resolved. This will need to be addressed before adopting a child. Please don't bring a child into this.
Throw the computer and phones away, then when all of the distractions are gone, you can look each other in the eye and actually talk.
I wish happiness for you.


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## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

Yes, thanks for your input, I will try counceling, maybe with or without her, I just fear it is too late, I think she has made up her mind already.... ray:


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## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

So we had a talk lastnight, it started as a conversation, she got real defensive. I ws pretty prod of myself I did not loss my temper and tried to keep a level head throughout the conversation. We agreed that counceling is our next step... the problem is if we go to counceling will that prevent us from adopting?


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I feel for ya brother. I am a little paranoid myself and I don't feel bad about prying once in a while into my wife's e-mail, facebook and cell phone. In my opinion there isn't any reason why there should be any secrets in a marriage including passwords, cell phones, e-mails, etc. If either party insists on secrecy then they're hiding something. I would talk to the therapist about a way to broach that with your wife. Personally if I was in your shoes I would be pretty insistent that she agree to be open with her accounts and we share each others passwords and don't hide these things from one another. 

Good for you for keeping your head. If she's agreed to counselling hopefully that means she does want to make an effort. 

As far as the adoption thing I think bringing a child into a relationship without working out the issues is a big mistake. You and your wife should really discuss how your relationship needs to be improved, stable and create a loving home before bringing a child into it. Don't for a minute think that getting a child will help your relationship in any way, all it's going to do is add more strain. So I really hope you work things out. Don't put off counselling or working things out to expedite the adoption process. 

I can't say I agree with just accepting that her being flirtatious is just her personality, especially with ex-boyfriends that are 'just friends'. If she's always been that way then that is a problem and that might just be what you have to accept. I'm sure there are a lot of people who would disagree with me but I don't think that married people generally can have close relationships with people of the opposite sex and have it be harmless. Women definitely need women relationships because they get something from those they simply can't get from their husbands. But if a woman feels like she has to have close relationships with other men then IMO that's a sign there are things she's not getting from the relationship with her husband. Maybe there are things that she needs from you that would help strengthen your relationship and improve the intimacy. Hope the counselling helps!


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## Terran007 (Jun 14, 2009)

I agree with Mike1. My wife and I really trust each other fully and completely. We have each others' passwords to everything because we have nothing to hide. It's true what Mike1 said - if you won't share your password to something, the majority of the time means you're trying to hide something.

No offense man, but you really need to check out your priorities. Really, re-read what you wrote. You wrote basically that you have an unhappy home, and a crumbling relationship. Then you ask if counseling will prevent you from *adopting a child*... :scratchhead:

Why in pray tell would you want to bring a child into your home at this point? That child will *not* make things any better if things are already this bad.

Yes, go to counseling and try to get things fixed. Although I think you didn't confront her early enough for this to be fixable - you said yourself she may have already made up her mind. But don't let pessimism stop you from trying.


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## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

Well we are going to separate for a little while, she is going home to texas, it breaks my heart, but if she does come back we are going to counselling. Man, I hope things workout...


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