# For my Dovelena



## Eleftherios

Hi everyone,
Just want to say I love my wife first and foremost. I'm on the infidelity topic under Another one joins the ranks if you care to get any back story. We are going down a slippery slope as they say. Working on rebuilding what we should have had all along. I've only been on here for a short time but from the information I've gleaned here has made me understand and be a better person. If it fails in the end I know I've tried my best and won't have to wonder if only I'd. Will our marriage be the same no. Can it be better and stronger I say yes. In this short period of time we have grown closer than ever and have been communicating better than ever. I would suggest for anyone going through this to read some of EI's posts. She is a very strong woman who knows what it takes and what's involved. Her post gave the wife and I inspiration. Not that the other people haven't given good advice she just struck a cord with us. To you EI I say thank you. Wishing everyone the best. You'll be hearing from us in the near future. With that I'm starting my journey into being a better husband father and man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## peakguy

Glad you are doing well! I can't find the EI posts.


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## noas55

I am glad things seem to be working well for you. NEVER GIVE UP. If you love someone and the other person has just a drop of love left.. it can work out. I have proven that . Stay strong!


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## Eleftherios

Heres the link to what inspired us http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation.html Hope this helps. Thanks everyone for your support.


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## peakguy

Thanks!


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## Eleftherios

Hi everyone, 

Sad to say I triggered last night and it wasn't pretty. Feel ashamed of myself. Wife and I started out today rough but had a much better evening. Tomorrow is a new day and I will make it better for her. I guess it's something that will require hard work on my behalf and I'm ready to face my demon. Dovelena I'm sorry for the other night. Wishing that everyone here finds the solution that works for them. Don't know if I said this but she is fully aware of my posts.


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## cdbaker

How did you trigger, and what did that involve?


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## tulsy

You contact OM's wife yet?

I am not surprised you triggered, I read your thread. Your wife cheated, then lied about it, then trickle-truth'ed you. 

She also doesn't want you contacting the OM's wife....have you stopped to ask yourself why that is? Probably more to the story than you know.

So this is your new thread, about your reconciliation with your wife. I wish you good luck, but you really should listen to the advice you've been given in your other thread. 

Definitely blow it up for the OM's wife...a lot of talk about how you aren't afraid of the OM or going to jail, so why are you afraid to take that step?


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## Eleftherios

I'm not afraid to contact her. She'll be finding out soon enough. Triggered because of the date. When it all started. I don't have the energy to waste on those pathetic people any longer. His life is being turned upside down like mine. I'm not even 3 months out on the whole thing and I'm feeling good. Surprises me how resilient I am. When a former GF did this to me I was a wreck. The reason she didnt want me contacting her was because she was afraid to be confronted by the OMW. There's no more story behind anything. She was scared. She reads some of this stuff and it upsets her. I on the other hand take it for what it is. Strangers venting about there situations and getting advice. I read it and don't get worked up. It's just words on a screen written by people with catchy usernames. I'm on the reconciliation page for talking about that not the AP his wife or any of that. This page is for healing not throwing stones. So in the future please direct questions about that to my other thread. Today is a new day I'm feeling good about myself and my marriage. Going to go shopping for a baby shower gift with her this evening and take her for an ice cream. Hope everyone's day is good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eleftherios

Hi everyone,

It's been a good couple of days for us. We've been doing very good. Went out and had a great evening. Our oldest son is turning 18 in a week. Where did the time go? Hope all is well with the rest of you. Just out walking and holding hands yesterday was wonderful. We have been doing things that were suggested on the site. They have been working. Once again everyone Im wishing that we all find our way through these trying times. A member here suggested I check out marriage builders. I went and kinda glanced but I will do a little further investigating. I'm not affiliated with that site just passing it along. Have a great day.


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## anchorwatch

Eleftherios said:


> A member here suggested I check out marriage builders. I went and kinda glanced but I will do a little further investigating. I'm not affiliated with that site just passing it along. Have a great day.


I'm not a fan of the forum. I find the posters there very rigid. IMO. Some good info though. 

I has a lot of success with the books though. They are some of the most commonly recommended, by veteran posters on this site.

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harle

Amazon.com: Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love

Surviving an Affair: Willard F. Jr. Harley

Wish you success


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## daisygirl 41

Don't give up, there's always hope. You both just need to be patient and realistic. These situations don't mend overnight and there will be big hurdles along the way.

h and I have been in R for 18 months after his devastating affair. Just when you think things are going well, BAM! You hit a brick wall. We are finally coming out the other side and will be celebrating 20 years together next month.

Good luck
DG
X


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## Eleftherios

Daisygirl,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Unfortunately she isn't living with us at the moment. We had a big argument a couple days ago and she went to stay at her fathers. My boys don't want to hear us argue it bothers them. I miss her terribly but it's for our children. They will be going to the shrink and have a talk with him soon. Im glad my insurance covers it. Stressing out bad. This rollercoster shizzle is insane. But I'm glad to hear of your success it gives me inspiration to keep up the fight. Dovelena I love you stay strong for your boys. We can do this don't give up.


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## doubletrouble

Triggers are a real b!tch, and they are powerful because they are, or can be, unexpected. I have found that communicating triggers is also difficult, unless I get a "gut punch" reaction and I blurt out something. 

Why are they hard to communicate? In my case, it's because fWW doesn't like to hear about triggers. Not because she doesn't care about my pain, but because it puts pain in her as well. Part of me says "so what? You put them there" and part of me says "honey I love you and don't want you to hurt." Weird dynamic there, I know. But life, and situations, aren't black and white. 

I'm glad to hear you are in R. It's a lot of work. I wonder about being in R and one of the couple going away to someone else's house, pulling away from the family domicile. To me that sounds like escapism. But that's just one man's opinion. Seems it's better, if you're going to stick it out, to stick it out at home, where it matters.


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## Eleftherios

I agree that she should be here tuffing it out so to speak. We had that discussion today and she is coming home tonight. We are going to try and not argue or talk of the A while the children are home. That's what bothers the kids not her being here. As far a triggers yes they do the same to my wife. She hurts because I'm in agony and she knows she's the cause and can't take it away. I have to say the yelling is mostly from me and I'm manning up to that. The boys are upset with her because of my reaction. I need to work on that. I think a punching bag is my next purchase. Just go and beat the crap out of that instead of beating up my wifes feelings. Thanks for helping a brother out through this mess.


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## Hope1964

After I let my husband come back home, we scheduled our talks and had them in our bedroom with the door closed and the kids were told it was our marriage building time and they were NOT to disturb us, and if they heard raised voices that's just part and parcel of the whole mess. Your kids are old enough they should be learning how to deal with this - there's no way it should require her to leave the house. not if she's intent on R-ing.

The anger is something you will have to learn to deal with. Are you in IC? Mine hung around for a couple of years. I learned several techniques in IC and MC for dealing with it. Sometimes just saying to him "I am REALLY ANGRY with you right now because of what you did so I don't think we should talk" was enough to get it out of my system.


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## Eleftherios

Hope1964

Im seeing a shrink tomorrow me and my kids. She left because in my rage I told her to. My problem was I was angry and started to drink not the best thing to do. Yes I learned my lesson. Punching bag not booze. I have a detached garage also and I think we'll just go out there if needed. I just want to keep the drama away from them. They've been through enough. No matter what age they are. Thanks for the input. And just out of curiosity how goes your situation? We know where we want to be. Just have to climb that mountain. Hope I have a strong enough rope.


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## cdbaker

Ouch, yeah man, you gotta get that under control.

You need to remember that when the marriage is on the rocks like this, you have VERY LITTLE room for screwing up. Both spouses are at their wits end. You can't make assurances of love and change and respect, and then suddenly show that your anger is more important than all of that, at the precise time when you KNOW more so than ever that it is the most destructive possible time to do that.

Where as a screw up like that might have set you back a pace a few years ago, now it would set you back 10 paces, or more, because you have absolutely no excuse. Can't claim ignorance, can't claim you didn't understand. Can't claim it was an accident. You know better, you've made promises, and you did it anyway, which again tells your spouse that you value your anger more than your promises and your spouse. That's a problem, and you simply aren't allowed to let that happen.

Sounds like you are making the right move though, as IC is exactly where you need to go.


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## Hope1964

3.5 years out from Dday#1, almost 3 years from #2 and things are fantastic  He's done everything he should have, though. If you read up on here about what the WS has to do for true R to happen, he did it. It can't work otherwise.


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## Hope1964

D day for you was in June, right? You know, you are going to still have anger, and it's OK to let her see it. She SHOULD see it. I was so angry I kicked him out on D day and wouldn't speak to him for almost 3 months. What she did is unacceptable and you do NOT have to accept it. I think it's good for the WS to see your anger at first. Just don't hit her or destroy anything. Although I did destroy a couple things along the way. I'm not proud of it but I don't regret it either. As for the yelling, well, some things just have to be said loudly. The detached garage is a good idea.

It's good to try and insulate your kids as much as possible, but they need to know this isn't something you or she take lightly, that your marriage has suffered a death knell, and that to recover isn't going to always be pretty. As long as they see you working together and doing happy stuff as well, they'll be fine.


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## Eleftherios

Yeah I know I f#@cked up. It's stalled the R. Dovelena I'm sorry. The burden of this rests on my shoulders. I want so desperately for this all to finally go away. I know it will take time and what if anything do I have but time. I look back as to when this all started and how calm and collected I was. Now the mind starts with its bull and sends me backward. Slow time for me at work and the business. I couldn't really function for a couple days. The first day I slept till 7pm. Second day I bought a new car. Had to replace the bad mojo mobile. That in itself made me feel better. Knowing I didn't have to look at that car anymore. She'll be here in about an hour. So looking forward to seeing her. She has been doing everything to make this right. She tells me everything. I know where she is at all times. It's torture for her not to be around the boys. She even bought a new mouse pad for her desk because it had his company logo on it. She said it felt good to toss it in the trash. Thanks for the encouragement y'all.


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## anchorwatch

Have you purchased/read "Surviving an Affair" yet?


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## Eleftherios

anchorwatch said:


> Have you purchased/read "Surviving an Affair" yet?


Ordered it this morning from amazon. Should be here in a couple days. I think a big thing that pushed me over the edge that day was being in the attached garage and her car was in there just taunting me. Now it's gone and I get to look at a Camaro .


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## ConanHub

cdbaker said:


> Ouch, yeah man, you gotta get that under control.
> 
> You need to remember that when the marriage is on the rocks like this, you have VERY LITTLE room for screwing up. Both spouses are at their wits end. You can't make assurances of love and change and respect, and then suddenly show that your anger is more important than all of that, at the precise time when you KNOW more so than ever that it is the most destructive possible time to do that.
> 
> Where as a screw up like that might have set you back a pace a few years ago, now it would set you back 10 paces, or more, because you have absolutely no excuse. Can't claim ignorance, can't claim you didn't understand. Can't claim it was an accident. You know better, you've made promises, and you did it anyway, which again tells your spouse that you value your anger more than your promises and your spouse. That's a problem, and you simply aren't allowed to let that happen.
> 
> Sounds like you are making the right move though, as IC is exactly where you need to go.


Anger is part and parcel with infidelity. You can promise to work things out, still love your W's and be outraged at the same time. I will say a heavy bag is excellent therapy. Sometimes a good workout burns off anger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker

I should apologize for coming off a little too hard. I think I mixed your situation up a bit with someone else here and thought you had previously had an affair and were working on a second chance. Sorry!

I think the things I said still apply (just not as forcefully, lol) since you recognize that you still screwed up in a number of areas in the marriage and want to change that for the future. Best of luck!


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## Eleftherios

It's all good cdbaker. I read so much stuff on here I get confused too. I'm just having trouble with the mind games. If I can just sequester that I know I'd be able to as they say get over it. She really is a wonderful person despite what has happened.I'll exhaust all options before pulling the pin and filing for divorce. It felt good to see her last night and hold her again. Tomorrow is our sons 18th birthday and we will be spending it together as a family.


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## Eleftherios

Just posting up to say hello. Things are going ok so far. But it's only been a few days. Did a lot of reading and soul searching. Found ways to help me Don't know if this sounds weird but I try to keep my mind blank. No thoughts no anger. Is it normal to feel indifferent towards her at times? My kids seem to be coming around. We talked about going away for a few days together. A little seperation from here might do us good. Any advice from fellow members is encouraged and appreciated.


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## tracyishere

I found this to be very helpful through my reconciliation:

"God give me strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."


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## Eleftherios

Hi everyone,

It's been awhile since I've been here. Work has been crazy for me. I have been spending a lot of time with my dovelena. Been getting along well. She was having a bad day a few days back. It is hurting her to see me when I'm having trouble with dealing. I've been working with my shrink and have made good progress. Haven't had a meltdown in week or so. He has been teaching me some coping skills which has helped tremendously. Have a good day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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