# Confused and need advice



## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

Hey all- quick question- my husband masterbates and never initiates sex with me, yet he never rejects me. I arouse him very easily (hugging him while I am naked, etc.). Should I be concerned that he never initiates or just be ok with the situation because I never get rejected? It just makes me feel undesirable that he would rather masterbate than initiate sex. Any thoughts are appreciated.
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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

have you rejected him alot? some guys get sick of being rejected and quit initiating.

have you just asked him? tell him you deserve first right of refusal....and then tell him you would try your best not to refuse him.worth a try.


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## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> have you rejected him alot? some guys get sick of being rejected and quit initiating.
> 
> have you just asked him? tell him you deserve first right of refusal....and then tell him you would try your best not to refuse him.worth a try.


 I have never rejected him.
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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I am also wondering if you have explained this concern to him. I think people get in the habit of never initiating for a number of reasons. It doesn't sound like you should be too worried - but at the same time if it is bothering you and you want to feel desired he should make an effort. Of course to make an effort he needs to be aware.


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## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> I am also wondering if you have explained this concern to him. I think people get in the habit of never initiating for a number of reasons. It doesn't sound like you should be too worried - but at the same time if it is bothering you and you want to feel desired he should make an effort. Of course to make an effort he needs to be aware.


He is definitely aware. He basically told me the other night that he will never initiate. We are in therapy for this as well. He has a past with pornography too.
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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Did he give you a reason he will never initiate when he told you this?


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## jacparr85 (Aug 6, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Did he give you a reason he will never initiate when he told you this?


He says he is shy and uncomfortable initiating but did for the first year and a half of our relationship. Then it stopped altogether saying he just wasn't sexual. That is when I found the pornography. This all happened a year ago and he still won't initiate knowing that it makes me feel undesirable and not sexy or good enough. By the way I am 28 and he is 31.
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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

jacparr85 said:


> Hey all- quick question- my husband masterbates and never initiates sex with me, yet he never rejects me. I arouse him very easily (hugging him while I am naked, etc.). Should I be concerned that he never initiates or just be ok with the situation because I never get rejected? It just makes me feel undesirable that he would rather masterbate than initiate sex. Any thoughts are appreciated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



If your hubby is a high sex drive guy, have sex with him once every day. Try giving him an oiled hand job or oiled foot jobs. Spice it up. If he doesn't initiate, he's passive and you must be the initiator. Do the things he watches in porn. Find out without him knowing and just do it. Surprise him.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Try giving him an oiled hand job or oiled foot jobs. Spice it up.


Footjobs? Definitely not mainstream and not something most guys would get off on, including myself. It's a fetish, enjoyed by few. 

That's like saying "spice it up, he's passive, so every so often shove a plunger up his ass".

That's just not going to do it.


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## otisjpqu (Jul 23, 2013)

I think people get in the habit of never initiating for a number of reasons.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Footjobs? Definitely not mainstream and not something most guys would get off on, including myself. It's a fetish, enjoyed by few.
> 
> That's like saying "spice it up, he's passive, so every so often shove a plunger up his ass".
> 
> That's just not going to do it.



I think an oiled hand job or oiled foot job would be a good alternative for the ladies who don't want to even consider anal sex. No penetration, no pain or discomfort and no chance of tearing or infection.


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

I thought rejection would be the key as well. that's what happened with me and my wife. she rejected me too many times and I let her make the next move...she got upset that I must not be attracted to her any longer. 

maybe he just wants you to desire him and is happy with that. get him to take you to a sex shop or dress sexy and tease him while out for the night. he might get so turned on he jumps you.


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

First, let me say that it is great that you make yourself available to your husband sexually. There are many men that wish to be so luck, myself included. However, for my negative view. When a man feels that he needs to masturbate, especially with an available wife this is a sign of a problem. It seems to me that he has needs, wants and desires that are not being met. After all he has to be thinking of something to get him arouse in order to masturbate. Now this becomes the question, what does he think about? Something is there that he may or may not have shared with you. 
It also seems to me that you should discuss it with him because you can change things down the road and possibly prevent problems in your marriage. Being open and honest with one another about sex in a marriage is extremely important. But for him to be resorting to self care is a problem and far to often the man actually feels badly about himself after he does the act of masturbation. Simply put he would much rather be with his wife. On other other hand, if masturbation feels so much better than without question there is a deeper problem. In either case, a problem exist now or a greater problem in the future. Nonetheless, let there be no question in your mind some were a long the line he truly does not feel good about himself after he masturbates, whether he is willing to admit it or not.
I hope this will be helpful to you and I sincerely think you need to talk to him now about it rather than later when you find yourself with marital problems that can not be undone.


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