# Advice



## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

Hi everyone,

I'm going a little crazy and I'm not sure what to do about it.

Basically I am 29 and my wife is 26, we have been together for 8 years, married for 4. No kids.

Recently I used my laptop to log into Facebook, only to find that my wifes account loaded up when I visited the facebook website. I saw she had a new message, and being curious I hovered the mouse over messages to see who it was from.

To my suprise it was from her old boyfriend. Well I didn't really think much of it at first until I noticed his replies at the end of each message was x x x.

And from the tone of the message it seemed as if they had been talking a while.

To cut a long story short she has been deleting the messages she receives from him, and deletes the ones she sends him. But she doesn't bother deleting messages from anyone else in either her inbox or sent messages.

Its not the fact that she had been talking to him that is getting to me, its trying to understand why she felt the need to delete these messages other than to hide her tracks in the event that I one day go snooping.

It is driving me crazy, I can't get this tight knot out of my stomach with worry. I want to bring it up with her, but I don't want to appear as if I have been spying on her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks


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## agape (Jul 25, 2010)

As someone who messed up in the past, I really think she is up to no good. I would just confront her about it. You have that right.


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

I really hope she isn't up to no good, I will be devastated. 

Its not a devastation of worried about being alone or not finding another women, it would be geniune devastation because I love her.

I just cant think of what possible legitimate reason for what she is doing.

When I confront her I am going to have no alternative but to ask her to break of contact with him, or for me to have open access to her facebook. 

Well just having to do this alone will be damaging, that seed of "can I really trust her" will be in my mind. Which cannot be good for our marriage generally.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

There is a thread here about trusting your gut. Trust it. It is likely quite bad. Her denials and anger will clearly prove to you that it is not just friendly chatting. She hasn't spoken of him has she? Where's the transparency? Start reading here so you are prepared to deal with the repercussions. If you can't wait (and I couldn't) then make your statement and just listen. Don't get involved in an argument or even a discussion. Give yourself a day while you post here and get some advise. You can download a keylogger and that way you can find out what she is writing. She can not be trusted if she is hiding things from you. You are totally justified in doing this.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Assume the worst, do not be accusing, just state the facts as they are. She should not have a problem deleting him from Facebook, do so after she sends a message with you present, something like:

“It is inappropriate for me to continue contact with you, I love my husband and do not wish to have any interference in our relationship.”

If she denies she is in an emotional affair you leverage the fact is she deleted past messages, her answer is “I do not want to hurt you”, your answer “thanks but lets send this message together to stop the ex sending hurtful messages.”

Be warned this could go deep underground so be observant.. If so get back on the forum there are plans to break this.. 

Best wishes


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

Well that went down like a bad of nails.

OK firstly she said she was deleting the messages because she didn't think I would want her to talk to him, but he is just a friend.

I explained that she had betrayed me, and that my wishes were for her to cut all ties with 
him.

She started saying how I obviously didn't trust her and she needed her own friends, and he was a friend. Well this is completely untrue as I explained to her, I have never had a problem with her seeing her own friends and that this was completely different.

She then said maybe she should go and stay with a friend for us to both have time to think, I asked to think about what and she didn't know.

I've had to come back from making my way to work I feel sick about it.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Hang in there, typical response, this is now most certainly an EA and she will not acknowledge it.

Get ready for a fight…

She will be a bit rattled, convince her to stay with you at home, no begging, just as a couple you work though this together. 

Some background thread on behaviours. 

http://www.womensinfidelity.com/


If she insists on not coming home start the process now..

Let her folks know as soon as that you think she is an Emotional affair with the ex boyfriend, explain the messages are inappropriate and she is now deleting them to cover her trail, ask for their support. Make this a statement; do not debate it, do not elaborate, they may try to explain away her behaviours.You must take the thrill out of this. 

Do not pull any punches wit the ex.. is he married, if so let his wife know, check his friends on facebook, use your wives ID to check this she may have a access that you can’t see. 

If she is at a friends house let that friend know, be prepared to go far with this. 

Advice will flow to you, do not spend to much time pondering, your gut feel is right. 

At all times think clearly , no anger , just calm and rational, not hatred, no matter how much it HURTS you she must be able to come to you and talk.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

PS. Don't be shy when you are ready give the ex a bollacking, let her know once you have done so. KILL the thrill. 

Again no anger just calm cool and collected behaviour. *I cannot emphasis enough that your behaviour must be impeccable..*

have these links ready for reading:

http://www.affaircare.com/Articles/NoContact.htm

http://www.affaircare.com/Articles/SampleNoContact.htm

One last note, this is a face-to-face conversation, phones hide a multitude of emotions. 
You can then keep eye contact and work through the processes together

I guess by now she would have let him know you have caught her, he will undoubtedly be giving her advice.

If she is innocent then the steps to secure your trust should be easy.


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

Thank you wisp.

I'll take a look at the articles you have posted.

My problem is, if this is an emotional affair it is still a deep betrayel, and I don't know if its something I can forgive her for. There is always going to be me watching over her shoulder.

I'll wait to see if she comes home tonight, from our last conversation I believe she will. And I will just sit down and talk, see if I still have a marriage by the end of the night.

Thanks


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

You can forgive and move forward, your upset and hurting at the moment. Many have been there before and built better relationships going forward. 

Tonight when you talk make sure she knows you love her and will fight for your marriage. Show her the 

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity

thread and explain that her behaviour has caused a trigger. Typical behaviours say she will deny the affair through and through no matter what. You can push and push ( and this will cause friction so best to take it so far and step back ) but will not get the answer, sometimes it is better to let her keep the secret of the mail contents and move to the no contact letter stage.

The tactic will be to send the *no contact mail*, either the full version or the single sentence in one of my previous post, so as to enable her to help take away your hurt. 

*The no contact letter is a must - non negotiable item* 

Sharing of facebook passwords is a must as well as any mail addresses and passwords. Deleting his profile is a must, no need for an EX in either of your lives. He is an EX for a reason.

Do not be overbearing, early days yet. Nip this in the bud and close the EA down in consistent steps. 

Prompt her and ask if she may feel something was missing and needed to talk, this can be resolved by various means and the processes have been proven to be effective for the majority of couples. 

If she says not then for yourself spend some time on this site and or the marriagebuilders.com site and do some research. Affairs are normaly caused if there is something missing in the relationship. Be a man and if you are at fault in some areas change – let her know this will happen.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You still have a marriage. An emotional affair can destroy it so it must stop. Now you know how powerful they can be. She said she wants some time alone? That is just an excuse to continue the affair. Don't ask her to leave (at this time.) You need to stay calm and confident. The confidence part is very difficult. Finding yourself betrayed drains the tank of confidence. No begging, pleading or convincing. She is like a drug addict. You will learn sll about this now once you start your reading. This will not be over tomorrow. Considering her very typical response, she will be following a script. You are second fiddle now. She will be rewriting history to provide justification for her lack of character. It "just happened" is a typical response. She is now in the affair for and she will fight you to stay "high". She loves the excitement and the chemical rush you haven't been able to provide for years. 
Do not share this information with her. First of all she doesn't want to hear it. Second, as you learn you gain some ability to rectify the situation. Your marriage can not improve until the affair ends. Didn't you think your marriage was okay. Post what ever you do and think on here. Soon the people who can help you organize your efense will start responding to your posts. WISP is great and has a handle on the fundamentals. I, myself, am 90 days in. I made a slew of mistakes early and am struggling to keep my head above the water. But help is here.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, first of all I'm sorry for are here in the first place but you are in a safe place with lots of very knowledgeable folks here all trying to save their marriages......
Have your talk with your wife and just explain to her that having a friendship with another man while you are married is a betrayal on her part. This is how you feel and if she doesn't care how you feel or if that friendship is worth more than your marriage then she has some thinking to do...Tell her you cannot continue your marriage if she has to have another man in it. Tell her you love her with all your heart and you are willing to work on the marriage so she doesn't feel the need to have another man filling some need she seems to be missing.....
Tell her you need NO CONTACT with the other man, nothing......you will need access to her phone, comp and whereabouts at all times to re-build the trust issues you now feel because of her need for this friendship with another man....
If she loves you, she will see what she is doing is hurting your marriage.........don't be confrontational, be loving and understanding........exposure is the best way to stop an affair, it's not all that much fun when you know other people know that what you are doing is wrong......good luck and come her for support and advice......(((hugs)))


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Have a look at this thread some similarities to your issue

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/15188-really-ea-3.html


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Regardless of what your ultimate goal is, you need to also protect yourself. You should look into a good "Keylogger" program. This will provide you with the evidence of what is going on as well as providing you with the evidence to protect yourself should the situation turn bad. 

Once you have the info, check and see if it is harmless conversation or much more. If it is more, then you need to make some decisions about your future from there. IF it is more than chat, come back here. there are many excellent people here who are more than willing to help, based on which decisions you make on your future.

Q~


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

MrQuatto said:


> Regardless of what your ultimate goal is, you need to also protect yourself. You should look into a good "Keylogger" program. This will provide you with the evidence of what is going on as well as providing you with the evidence to protect yourself should the situation turn bad.
> 
> Once you have the info, check and see if it is harmless conversation or much more. If it is more, then you need to make some decisions about your future from there. IF it is more than chat, come back here. there are many excellent people here who are more than willing to help, based on which decisions you make on your future.
> 
> Q~


I agree, start gathering concrete evidence...it's going to come in handy no matter what you decide to do.

If you don't want to spend the money on a long term keylogging program, Refog offers a free 3-day trial...most of the spouses I have suggested this program to have found three days to be more than sufficient for gathering evidence.


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

Well we had a talk, which went ok.

I asked her whether she had an emotional attachment to her ex, and she was quite frankly mortified. She denied she was emotionally attached.

She cried and said she was sorry. She said she reacted the way she did because she thought I had been snooping on her.

We talked about some of the problems in our relationship, and although our sex life has been great, emotionally we are not as close as we once were.

I said if she wants to spend a couple of days at her friends house next week (house sitting) then that's fine. She should see how she feels closer to the time.

I am being really nice because I love her and want to save our marriage. I will see how things go over the next few days and take it from there.

I know her very well, and my instinct has always been correct before when something hasn't been right. I'm going to trust that instinct more.

This event has also made me do a considerable amount of soul searching. I need to get to being the self assured confident guy I was a few months ago. 

I'll report back with how we both get on. 

Thanks everyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

Oh and in regards to gathering evidence, I only really want to do that if I feel we haven't moved anywhere even after our talk. 

I can't do the key logging because most of her facebooking is done from her phone.

I will know if she is still bring secretive because of the way she is with her phone. The screen is either face down if its on the side or in her pocket.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ummm ... I don't know what the proximity is to the old boyfriend, but if little alarms aren't going off in your head about your wife house sitting next week, then you need to be a bit more realistic.

I'm not encouraging you to believe that your wife is having an affair or to start acting paranoid. I am strongly urging you to acknowledge that her behavior is questionable - and warrants _observation_ rather than blind faith and trust.

1. She deleted her messages to and from him. She would only be doing that if the content is inappropriate, or wanted to keep the relationship a secret from you.

2. She insists they are only friends. Do you truly believe she would simply tell you if the circumstances were otherwise? 

3. Her defense of the behavior, and then _suggesting_ that she spend a couple of days alone is highly suspect. I'm talking alarms blaring, red flags waving wildly suspect.

But presuming you know where her friend lives, show up with a bottle of wine as a 'surprise'. There will undoubtedly be surprise, either pleasant or really ugly.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Just be careful:-

There is a pattern to this and she is following it. She may not even realise she is in an EA. History shows that there is a strong likelihood that she will maintain some contact and it will be to your detriment. 

At a minimum she needs to remove all contact and give you full access to her accounts, as you will for yours. You are a couple no secretes.

If you have not seen this before.. Privacy is when you go to the bathroom; secrecy in a marriage is when you practice deceit.

And indeed work on yourself there is always room to improve, scan this site there are recommended books to read.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

My H had an EA and he said the same things your wife did. That they were "just friends" and that he was angry for checking up on him. I caught him checking his phone in the middle of the night and then checked the cell phone records. 4000 texts/messages in a two months span (90 in a day sometimes). Yet he filed for divorce the day after I found out about her.

He had changed his passwords on his FB account (I used to have it) and added passwords to his phone. He carried his phone on him 24/7 when he used to keep it on the shelf. He was sneaking around the house on the phone. 

No more cell phone records, but he is glued to the computer now with google messenger and on FB. He has now unfriended me conpletely and hid all his info so I can't see anything he is doing there. 

The divorce is still on track with court date coming up next month.


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## jcrawford (Aug 3, 2010)

Um- that tight feeing in your stomach is your GUT FEELING! Its never wrong!



englishguy80 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I'm going a little crazy and I'm not sure what to do about it.
> 
> ...


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

Thanks for the advice everyone. In regards to the ex boyfriend, it appears she has cut all contact with him. I asked her once to stop contact which is when she got annoyed. And I haven't mentioned it since.

I checked her friends list a few days ago, and she has deleted him.

The way she acts around her phone is different. Previously it went everywhere with her, and seemed to be secretive around it. Now its usually on the side where I could easily go snooping. If she is in contact with him still then I can only see it being her work email which I could do nothing about.

In regards to our relationship, it seems to be getting better with each day that passes, slowly but surely. 
We have spent a lot of time together, and done a lot of talking.

We have been texting, emailing and calling each other quite a lot when at work during the last week.

Today when I got home from work, we kissed affectionately and she said the first positive thing about since this started. "We will get there".

There are serious problems within our relationship that on the surface looked like we were happy. The spark went from our marriage and we were plodding along rather than being a 20 something married couple in love. The soul searching that I have done, has made me realise how I need to change. Not change just in terms of our marriage, but what I want to change for me. 

Also I'm not nieve, I know there is a long way to go before my marriage is saved. And I know there is a possibility that she could be still in contact with her ex, but my gut us actually telling me that she is not. 

In the end she didn't want the time apart, I said I would understand but she said she wanted to stay to try and work it out.

I know it sounds crazy but I am at peace as to what happens to us in the future. I love her with all my heart and still want to spend the rest of my life with her, but the part of me that knows that it may not tells me I am 29, healthy, confident, people tell me I'm attractive, I'm a nice guy, I have fantastic friends and family. If I can't win her love back, as devastating as it would be to lose her, I would find love again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Great perspective, I sincerely hope you never have to give it a try.

Be the guy she wants to be attracted to. It's pretty much that simple. Do the things that make her crazy for you, avoid the things diminish her respect for you.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Don't lose the momentum. Read His Needs, Her Needs by Harley. Go to marriagebuilders.com and read about how to restart the spark. You seem to be doing many of the right things. No backsliding.


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