# Blended Family Problems may lead to divorce



## SimplyEj (Jul 13, 2016)

Hi all, not really new here but I haven't posted in years and forgot all my login information. 

Backstory: I was a single mom to a 5 year old/ He was co-parenting with his ex they share a 7 month old daughter at the time we started dating. Fast Forward 9 years and we married with 5 children. It was always an understanding that physical discipline was not something we would do to the children that we had prior to our relationship. 

My 14 year son is being a typical teenager going threw the"I know it all, chip on the shoulder, leave me alone" phase. Im more patient because I understand kids although he has pushed my buttons a few times. He has a relationship with his biological father and although he isn't financially supportive I don't allow that to interfere with their bond. 

Today I get a text message from my husband on my way home from work were he proceeds to tell me that he hit my son in the arm because he was blowing his breathe and shifting his weight acting annoyed when being questioned about a cup that his younger brother said he threw at him. I text my 14 year old and ask what happen, he told me he threw the cup, and he was behaving as my husband said he was but he then tells my husband punched him in the chest and pushed him. So now I don't know what to believe so immediately after entering the house I ask my 7 year old if he saw what happened and he gave the same story as his older brother. So now I am extremely pissed off with my husband, to the point were I am considering divorce. Putting your hands on my son is completely unacceptable, I will not have my child living in fear. I feel like the situation could only get worse from here. What if he told his father which could result in legal issues. Oh and my spouses response i won't have him acting like that in my house. 

Am I overreacting to consider walking away from marriage and the father of my other 3 sons?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You should agree to treat ALL the kids the same way. Either they ALL get physical punishment (reasonable) or NONE. 

Your son throwing a cup at your/his son is totally unacceptable and dangerous if the cup was heavy.

This is not divorce worthy but you seriously need to review the policy on discipline. Like right NOW. 

BTW, is it ok for the OTHER three to live in fear? Why does "your" son get special protection, when your other kids don't get that protection? What message does that send to the other three? That is just wrong. The other three are the one's living in fear of YOUR SON, because he can do whatever he wants and seems to get away with it. I doubt you are doing physical punishment on your first son. 

No, they won't be any legal issues.


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## SimplyEj (Jul 13, 2016)

Just to be clear all of our children (his, mine &ours) receive physical punishment when we feel it is necessary. However, the agreement has been that I wouldnt physically discipline his daughter and he followed suit when it comes to my son. 

The cup issue was typical boy horseplay, it wasnt a hard cup at all one of those beach cups with the thick Styrofoam exterior. The only reason my husband asked about the cup was because he saw it sitting on the floor by the computer. He asked how it got there and the boys told him. So I dont want people to assume my oldest son is terrorizing 
Our home all of his younger brothers adore him but they bicker like any other siblings. 

I have heard stories were the other parent can file court paperwork of some sort if they dont agree with their child being disciplined by a step parent maybe this varies state to state.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I understand. To me, it simply is not equal if 4 of the kids can experience your H's punishment but not your son. Yes, it is a blended family but this is not just a case of "yours" and "his". You had kids TOGETHER (the "ours" ) and that creates a permanent problem. Your son is afforded special treatment vs your other three "ours" kids (putting aside his daughter for second.) That creates an imbalance between the siblings. Basically, your son knows he can hurt your other kids with getting any consequences from your H. That dynamic is not good for the family. 

Perhaps you can eliminate that rule. But you and H ahead of time agree on the type of punish, and what transgressions deserve punishment AND agree that each of you tells the other immediately when punishment is performed. 

Is your rule to protect your husband from legal issues re: from your ex if your H physically punishes "your" son? Or is it a matter of "your" son just not being your H's biological kid?

No judge or district attorney will bring charges for normal parental (reasonable) punishment, especially when the person pursuing the claim in a non-supportive biological parent. 

I assume you have full custody of your son. Have you ever discussed adopting each other's kids? The would put all the kids until the legal custody of both of you, and it might stop all the his/hers issues. Because your ex does not pay anything now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your husband should know not to punch any kid, but I'm my opinion, you are totally not being reasonable.

You can't have a child that's immune to punishment the others receive, otherwise he will push on your husband-- which is likely the problem. 

However, hitting and pushing is totally uncalled for and unacceptable under any circumstance. 
You threatening divorce is also uncalled for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Bye, I personally think he'd be an idiot to adopt your son, because you're already thinking about divorce and he's be on the hook paying to raise another man's son if you did. 

Quick question: does he love your boy and treat him fairly?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You know your son and husband with their personalities much better than anyone here. That said, you also know your son's influences as well and how they impact in his life, what he gathers from them, and what he applies.

I feel your husband may see himself in a no-win scenario here... damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. He is, by all perspectives, the alpha-dog in your household... except when he isn't. I can share from direct experience how hard it is to maintain home rules when the top-child male is flexing their own muscle, trying to set their own rules, establishing their own boundaries which happen to be in direct conflict with the top dog... dad in the home.

Dad's do see things differently... that's just how it is. How dad interprets the facial expression, the breath, the body language... this will be different than you. The important thing is how dad delivers that reaction to those defiances will be your winning path here.

You say you won't live with your child living in fear, no parent desires that... but fear balanced defiance is part of growth as well, and when good judgement is absent, fear is an acceptable boundary. "How do I show self without crossing the boundary that will result in an undesirable infraction?" is a challenge we all face, and it's a learned execution to keep from keeping an argument at bay to getting fired from the job or a traffic infraction (or worse). Fear is a feeling like anything else, it is real and it is legitimate... I did my best to teach my children to respect it so it is an asset, not something to "fear" (please forgive the play on the word). 

You are acting as your emotions carry you... whether it is overreacting will be based on what you are really prepared to lose as you set your own boundaries.

Words and emotions are fleeting in the heat of the situation. Write out exactly what defiance cause and effects will bring for your children based on their ages (one size does not fit all), but it must be aligned progressive to their appropriate ages. This is a document that is a promise between you and your husband to work with... a family "policy and procedure" if need be, but be prepared to adjust it a little up front until you find what truly works in your home as lofty goals must counter with your home's realities. In the end though, this must be a document of respect between the two of you.

As you are writing it out, your husband will see you and your value of his role in it, this is important... he feels an outcast in this right now, bring him back in... he has fears too, recognize them.

I so wish your family peace as you work through this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think based on the "I am ready to divorce" comment says it all. The son importance has been placed above the father's. He is being shown how much you value him. He is on a no-win scenario and lost his temper and hit your boy. I'll bet in his mind he is his boy, too.
You have a duty to protect your son. You also have a duty to protect your husband from not being utterly defied by a 14 yr old in his own home. Rest assured, if you let the boy know that he is in charge and dad can't touch him--- it will be laughable how quickly you lose control over him yourself.
The truth is, you'd be better off telling your husband to do whatever he feels is necessary to control the boy, without ever hitting him of course. 14 yr old boys will run the show if they are coddled.
Consider yourself forewarned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Doesn't seem divorce worthy to me. Must be something else going on in your marriage where you can use this as your out?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

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## SimplyEj (Jul 13, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Bye, I personally think he'd be an idiot to adopt your son, because you're already thinking about divorce and he's be on the hook paying to raise another man's son if you did.
> 
> Quick question: does he love your boy and treat him fairly?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why would I want him to adopt my son. He has a father that he has a great relationship with. Maybe we have cultural differences but where I am from you don't just adopt kids because you get married unless the birth father/mother is no where to be found. 

I also posted this on the parent board I received the opposite responses interesting the people over there seem to think my feelings were valid. 

Granted i was very upset when I typed this none of you seem to understand the emotions I felt having my child call me crying because the man who has been a father figure to him for 9 years put his hands on him. I think the situation came as a shock to my son and I.


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## SimplyEj (Jul 13, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think based on the "I am ready to divorce" comment says it all. The son importance has been placed above the father's. He is being shown how much you value him. He is on a no-win scenario and lost his temper and hit your boy. I'll bet in his mind he is his boy, too.
> You have a duty to protect your son. You also have a duty to protect your husband from not being utterly defied by a 14 yr old in his own home. Rest assured, if you let the boy know that he is in charge and dad can't touch him--- it will be laughable how quickly you lose control over him yourself.
> The truth is, you'd be better off telling your husband to do whatever he feels is necessary to control the boy, without ever hitting him of course. 14 yr old boys will run the show if they are coddled.
> Consider yourself forewarned.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You made valid points and I appreciate your perspective. Thank you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

SimplyEj said:


> I also posted this on the parent board I received the opposite responses interesting the people over there seem to think my feelings were valid.


Actually you only got one response in that other forum. The second poster asked a question. The only response was from jld whose only mission in life is to separate every woman from her husband (advice she won't follow herself). 

Nearly all of the responses here indicate you have a marriage problem. If you want to fix your marriage, follow this advice. If you want divorce listen to jld. 

BTW, I do not look at the forum name when posting. I only look at the title. And posting same topic in two forums is against TAM rules.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I noticed you "Liked" jld's every-woman-needs-to-divorce standard post but did not Like any here.

If you mind is made up to divorce, go, but you have other reasons besides this that must be pushing you out.

Oh, and I just noticed the word "Problems" meaning plural in your thread title.

What else do you want to discuss? 

BTW, this is the right forum for you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SimplyEj said:


> You made valid points and I appreciate your perspective. Thank you.


I'm not knocking your reaction. You have good reason to be angry, and your husband majorly screwed up.

I'm just trying to give you an unbiased viewpoint from a man's perspective. I'm guessing your husband also agrees he messed up and apologized.

I think you have a situation brewing between stepdad and son where your son is trying to establish himself. Being defiant. That's what likely brought your husband to such anger that he momentarily lost control. 
I think the idea that your son can't be punished corporally by his stepdad is something that may or may not work out, and will wind up driving a wedge between you and him. And your son is likely smart enough to do this. It's just how the mind works. Not a gouge on your son. It's just what kids do.

I think if this is the only incident your husband has ever had lije this and he's normally a good stepdad, you just need to step back and think about what caused this and how to keep it from happening in the future. 

I am likely to have 2 step girls in the future. I have no clue how I will handle discipline. I worry it's going to be a problem with us, too. And I wish us both luck in dealing with this hugely complex problem of blended families.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Your husband has to account for his actions, that much is true, but there is much more than this going on it seems.

As far as your family, right now, how you work though this with your stepson and husband will impact the rest of your children... they are watching closely.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

If my SO punched my child in the chest the cops would be involved. When people post on here that their husband or wife has been abusive the common reaction is to call the police, why do some people excuse this violence if it is directed at children? 

Is it divorce worthy? Only you can answer that but I am guessing there is a much bigger story here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think there's a difference between a one-time mistake that may or may not have been that severe, and abuse.

Abuse is repetitive bahavior, I'd think, along with being really forceful.
Was the boy crying because of the severity of the blow, or just had his feelings hurt? I can see the kid really having a good cry over this because it was wrong and he felt "abused". So in that aspect, I'd say it was abuse either way. 
Call the cops? I don't see a reason for that. I think that's ridiculous unless the kid had a bad bruise. If it happened again, yeah, I'd divorce the guy.

We still haven't heard from the OP how severe the punch was, if the dad was guilty of behavior like this in the past, or what the dad had to say when she got home and talked about it one on one with him and with her son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

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