# Boyfriends reluctance to tell his kids he is dating



## sylviaslife

New here. Been reading, but this is my first post. I tend to stick to this life after divorce board, because it's really the issues I have faced after the divorce that made me go looking for somewhere to find folks with similar issues. To give at least a little bit of my story; I have been divorced for 5 years. While divorcing wasn't easy, I got through it okay. Had put it off for way too long, and was resolved and ready for it when the decision was finally made. Like I said, I have had more trouble dealing with issues after the divorce. One of them that has been bothering me for a while is an issue with my (also divorced) boyfriend. We have been dating for almost 2 years. We are both 50 years old. He has been divorced for 3+ years. We were both married for almost 25 years to our exes. He has two children, the youngest just turned 18. I also have two children, and the youngest just turned 17. He has met and spent time with both of my children. His children do not know that I exist. He is a wonderful man, and we have a great relationship. But he is very reluctant to introduce the fact that he is dating to his children. It's hard to be excluded from everything in his life that involves his kids. Anyone else ever deal with this?


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## nickgtg

Well, my first thought is what's he hiding? Is he still married? Is he still seeing his ex? Is he seeing another woman his children do know about?

I can understand not introducing for awhile, but you're both older and the kids are grown up. Something isn't right.


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## Ceegee

Are there any other indications that he isn't emotionally available?

You've been dating 2 years. Does he say ILY?

Can he freely share his feelings and emotions?


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## Fenix

Yes, when I first saw your post, I was thinking you had been dating for a couple of months. Two years? Something isn't right. I wonder what his fear is...and I do think the behavior is based in fear.

Have you told him that you would like to meet his children? Have you asked him why he doesn't want that? Be direct. After dating for this long, you have a right to an answer.


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## Jellybeans

That would rub me the wrong way. 

You need to have a conversation about it with him, if you haven't. Essentially, he is blanking you from an entire major part of his life.


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## EnjoliWoman

I think it's past time to bring it up. It could be that he's hesitant of the kids' reaction. Is the mother dating? I guess none of his kids live at home otherwise they'd figure it out.

Yes, time for a talk. No need to speculate as there are numerous scenarios as to why he hasn't said anything.


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## Rowan

Sorry, but this sounds incredibly sketchy to me. I would definitely be wondering why he has neglected to even let his children know he's dating you. It's way past time for a sit down chat about what's going on.


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## PBear

You have had a discussion with him about this, right? What does he say?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974

Ok so the obvious question is you say he is reluctant to introduce you to the kids. What is his reasoning for that?


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## WhiteRaven

There is something really wrong.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

sylviaslife said:


> He has two children, the youngest just turned 18.
> He has met and spent time with both of my children.
> His children do not know that I exist.
> He is a wonderful man, and we have a great relationship. But he is very reluctant to introduce the fact that he is dating to his children.



What is his *exact* reason for not introducing you or even alluding to the fact that he is dating?

It *is* possible he's not just dating YOU!

It *is* possible he's still living with ex-wife.

Lots of things are possible. *What does HE say?*


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## sylviaslife

I understood the reluctance for a while. I felt the same way. No need to introduce kids of any age to everyone I might date. But, we are exclusive, and have been for a long time. I am sure he is not married or involved with anyone else. We go out with his brothers, sister-in-laws, nieces, nephews, friends. I stay over at his house frequently. We go lots of places together, so it isn't like he is hiding me from anything/anyone else. Just the kids. We have talked about it multiple times. I have been patient about it, but it hurts me. Hate feeling left out of part of his life. Makes me wonder about things that I don't really believe are true; Is he ashamed of me? Does he not care as much as I do? He tells me and shows me that he loves me in many ways. But the reason that he is reluctant is that he has guilt about the divorce as it relates to his kids. Thinks that his son is still mad at him about it. And worries about how they will deal with them seeing him with someone other than their mother. One of his kids is away at school most of the time, the other one will be going away to school in the fall. They stay with their mother when they are in town.


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## Thundarr

sylviaslife said:


> New here. Been reading, but this is my first post. I tend to stick to this life after divorce board, because it's really the issues I have faced after the divorce that made me go looking for somewhere to find folks with similar issues. To give at least a little bit of my story; I have been divorced for 5 years. While divorcing wasn't easy, I got through it okay. Had put it off for way too long, and was resolved and ready for it when the decision was finally made. Like I said, I have had more trouble dealing with issues after the divorce. One of them that has been bothering me for a while is an issue with my (also divorced) boyfriend. We have been dating for almost 2 years. We are both 50 years old. He has been divorced for 3+ years. We were both married for almost 25 years to our exes. He has two children, the youngest just turned 18. I also have two children, and the youngest just turned 17. He has met and spent time with both of my children. His children do not know that I exist. He is a wonderful man, and we have a great relationship. But he is very reluctant to introduce the fact that he is dating to his children. It's hard to be excluded from everything in his life that involves his kids. Anyone else ever deal with this?


sylviaslife, are you sure he's the guy you want to be with? This confrontation avoidance stuff with his kids 3-4 years after his D and after two years with you is a problem.  It's disrespectful to you.

I know one thing for certain. If you're with someone for two years and they're hiding you from family or friends then there's nowhere for the relationship to go.


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## sylviaslife

Thundarr,
He doesn't hide me from his friends or the rest of his family, just his kids. He says he is working on talking to them, and I do believe that he thinks about it, and how to do it, and wants to do it. Obviously he has some baggage from his first marriage, but, I do too. We openly talk about everything, including said baggage, lol. And yes, I am sure he is who I want to be with. Everything else is very good about our relationship. He makes me happy. I smile when I think about him . I spent so long in an unhappy marriage, and this relationship seems to have all those things that my marriage was missing. Just want to get past this one huge hurdle!


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## Deejo

I tend to think about these things differently. 

I have known young adult to adult children that have made it clear they flat out don't want to meet BF's or GF's.

If you knew that his kids were going to respond poorly to you, would you still want to be introduced?

I dated a woman who hadn't introduced her last long term partner for 5 years into the relationship. 

If he feels the 2 of you aren't 'permanent', and his kids feel that he abandoned their mother, than guilt more than likely plays a role.


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## Fenix

Deejo said:


> I tend to think about these things differently.
> 
> I have known young adult to adult children that have made it clear they flat out don't want to meet BF's or GF's.
> 
> If you knew that his kids were going to respond poorly to you, would you still want to be introduced?
> 
> I dated a woman who hadn't introduced her last long term partner for 5 years into the relationship.
> 
> If he feels the 2 of you aren't 'permanent', and his kids feel that he abandoned their mother, than guilt more than likely plays a role.


That's a good point. Maybe his kids have said that they don't want to meet future partners of his.


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## sylviaslife

Deejo said:


> I tend to think about these things differently.
> 
> I have known young adult to adult children that have made it clear they flat out don't want to meet BF's or GF's.
> 
> If you knew that his kids were going to respond poorly to you, would you still want to be introduced?
> 
> I dated a woman who hadn't introduced her last long term partner for 5 years into the relationship.
> 
> If he feels the 2 of you aren't 'permanent', and his kids feel that he abandoned their mother, than guilt more than likely plays a role.


 I hadn't thought about the possibility of them saying they didn't want to meet his GF's, and he has never said that they have said that. I don't know about the 'permanence' of anything, and try not to really think in those terms. Neither of us are ready to get into a marriage again at this point. But from conversations we have had, the things he says to me and me to him, neither of us want to mess this up or lose each other


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## Jellybeans

Sylvia--what does he tell you when you say it bothers you? 

Do you want to keep being with him if he never introduces you to his kids? After two years together, you'd think he would have told you if they said they did not want to meet any of his girlfriends. And if that is the case, either he A. curtails to their every desire and B. may mean you will never meet them for as long as you're together. Are you ok with that? 

Surely he has at least explained a reason why over the course of two years together that he has done that. What has he said about it?


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## Healer

I can see if the kids are younger (like mine, 9 and 6) and if it's new. But these are almost adults, and your relationship isn't new. I don't want to introduce my kids to anyone until it's an established, real relationship, but if my kid's were older teenagers, I'd be less worried about introducing them to even a casual partner.

I think it's odd, and you should ask him about it.

Perhaps he's afraid that that will make it official, or too serious or something? Is he afraid to make that next step commitment to you? Is he hiding something? Is he afraid of his kid's reaction? Whatever it is, 2 years in, you deserve some clarification here.

Good luck!


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## Ceegee

I would think he might still be pining for his XW.


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## 3Xnocharm

sylviaslife said:


> I understood the reluctance for a while. I felt the same way. No need to introduce kids of any age to everyone I might date. But, we are exclusive, and have been for a long time. I am sure he is not married or involved with anyone else. We go out with his brothers, sister-in-laws, nieces, nephews, friends. I stay over at his house frequently. We go lots of places together, so it isn't like he is hiding me from anything/anyone else. Just the kids. We have talked about it multiple times. I have been patient about it, but it hurts me. Hate feeling left out of part of his life. Makes me wonder about things that I don't really believe are true; Is he ashamed of me? Does he not care as much as I do? He tells me and shows me that he loves me in many ways. But the reason that he is reluctant is that he has guilt about the divorce as it relates to his kids. Thinks that his son is still mad at him about it. * And worries about how they will deal with them seeing him with someone other than their mother. *One of his kids is away at school most of the time, the other one will be going away to school in the fall. They stay with their mother when they are in town.


Has it occurred to him how pissed his kids will likely be when they find out that dad has been hiding this from them for 2, 3, 4 years?? This could seriously blow up in his face, the longer he waits, the more the kids are going to feel betrayed by his secrecy.  Kids value honesty from their parents. I know my 17 yr old would lose her MIND at me if she found out I had been hiding a relationship from her for 2 years!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

sylviaslife said:


> But the reason that he is reluctant is that he has guilt about the divorce as it relates to his kids. Thinks that his son is still mad at him about it. And worries about how they will deal with them seeing him with someone other than their mother.


*Did he have an affair *(obviously not with YOU, since he's been divorced for 3yrs and only known you 2yrs) *that led to his divorce?* 

Is he afraid his children will believe he was with YOU while he was still married to their mother?


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## sylviaslife

3Xnocharm said:


> Has it occurred to him how pissed his kids will likely be when they find out that dad has been hiding this from them for 2, 3, 4 years?? This could seriously blow up in his face, the longer he waits, the more the kids are going to feel betrayed by his secrecy.  Kids value honesty from their parents. I know my 17 yr old would lose her MIND at me if she found out I had been hiding a relationship from her for 2 years!


I don't know if that has occurred to him or not, but it's certainly a possibility. I hope it doesn't go that way, as I am sure it is not his intention is to betray or hurt them in any way.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *Did he have an affair *(obviously not with YOU, since he's been divorced for 3yrs and only known you 2yrs) *that led to his divorce?*
> 
> Is he afraid his children will believe he was with YOU while he was still married to their mother?


No affair that I am aware of. I know his concern for what his children will think about it, and their reaction to it, is a big reason for his not telling them But not sure if he is worried that they may believe he was with me while married. Maybe I should ask him that....



Ceegee said:


> I would think he might still be pining for his XW.


I don't think that at all. 



Jellybeans said:


> Sylvia--what does he tell you when you say it bothers you?
> 
> Do you want to keep being with him if he never introduces you to his kids? After two years together, you'd think he would have told you if they said they did not want to meet any of his girlfriends. And if that is the case, either he A. curtails to their every desire and B. may mean you will never meet them for as long as you're together. Are you ok with that?
> 
> Surely he has at least explained a reason why over the course of two years together that he has done that. What has he said about it?


He says he understands why it bothers me, and that he knows he needs to work through his concerns about it and tell them. I honestly don't think I could stay with him if he NEVER tells them. It makes me feel too excluded from a part of his life. I know he doesn't curtail to their every desire, so I don't think that's the issue. 
The reasons he has given are all related to his kids reaction to it. Like most of us with kids that go through a divorce, he has guilt that he didn't stay in the marriage for the kids, because that is considered by most to be the right thing to do. And while I get that, because I stayed in my own marriage for years longer than I wanted to because of the kids, it's done now. Plenty of time has passed, and I feel like he needs to deal with this with them.


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## Omego

The speculations are all possibilites, but it's not right that the OP has to try and figure all of this out. Is she important to him or not? I'd be interested to know what he says when/if she has asked the question directly?


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## sylviaslife

I have no reason to doubt the reason he is giving me for the reluctance in dealing with his kids with this issue, so I'm not really trying to figure that part out I guess. If he wasn't giving me a reason, or if I felt he was being untruthful about his reason, then I would have to speculate as to what they are, and that I for sure could not live with. We are very open with each other, talk things through, work things out, etc. Waayyyy different than my marriage was. And I very much appreciate that about our relationship. I just want him to deal with it already...
And, while I haven't asked him the direct question "Am I important to you?", he has told me so, and shows me so in many ways.


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## Omego

It sounds like you are pretty invested in this relationship. I would recommend trying to step back a little bit to protect yourself emotionally.

For the time being, he knows this is bothering you and promises to work on it and tell them. Let actions speak louder than words. It's nice that you get along so well, and that he tells you that you are important to him. That's all positive.

Nonetheless, I would proceed with caution. You don't want to get your feelings hurt if he cannot manage to get over his guilt and remains incapable of fully including you in his life.


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## sylviaslife

Omego said:


> It sounds like you are pretty invested in this relationship. I would recommend trying to step back a little bit to protect yourself emotionally.
> 
> For the time being, he knows this is bothering you and promises to work on it and tell them. Let actions speak louder than words. It's nice that you get along so well, and that he tells you that you are important to him. That's all positive.
> 
> Nonetheless, I would proceed with caution. You don't want to get your feelings hurt if he cannot manage to get over his guilt and remains incapable of fully including you in his life.


Yes, I am invested in this relationship. I have tried to step back to a degree, but it is very hard to do. I love this man, and I love what we have together. I'm not ever going to say any relationship is perfect, but this is the closest I've ever come to it! He is a very thoughtful and insightful person, and in some things very cautious.
I am way past the point of not getting my feelings hurt if this never happens...


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## 6301

Maybe it's the kids. It doesn't matter if their 8 or 18, some kids don't like to see their parents with anyone other than their spouse. 

There are some kids that think that their parents shouldn't have a life. Now I know what I said is the extreme but since you, me and the others here on TAM haven't met them, there can possibly be a problem they might have seeing their dad with another woman. 

What was the reason for his divorce? It could be a clue as to why you haven't met them yet.


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## Thundarr

6301 said:


> Maybe it's the kids. It doesn't matter if their 8 or 18, some kids don't like to see their parents with anyone other than their spouse.
> 
> *There are some kids that think that their parents shouldn't have a life.* Now I know what I said is the extreme but since you, me and the others here on TAM haven't met them, there can possibly be a problem they might have seeing their dad with another woman.
> 
> What was the reason for his divorce? It could be a clue as to why you haven't met them yet.


Yes older kids of D parents feel entitled to make ultimatums and demands and too often D parents fall in line.

There's only one good path. SL needs to voice concern and if it's going to be more than convenient then he'll be open to taking the step.


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## sylviaslife

2ntnuf said:


> Reads like he has a lot of good qualities. Maybe this is the best he can do, right now, or forever? You say this is as close to the perfect relationship as you have experienced. You want it to change, though.
> 
> He does have many good qualities. And I appreciate every one of them. I would like for this one thing to change, and I don't think it's an unreasonable thing to want. Heck, even HE doesn't think it's an unreasonable thing for me to want.
> 
> If he tells his children, they will be in your life and his. That will change the relationship immensely. Are you sure you think this is a nearly perfect relationship? I read that it's you that wants this change. Therefore, you are not satisfied with what you have right now. You want something more.
> 
> Yes, I am sure that I think this is a "nearly perfect relationship'. And I truly believe that he wants the change of me meeting his kids as well, not just me. And to say I am not satisfied with what I have right now seems to be painting the whole thing with a pretty broad brush, when there is only this one issue that is of concern to me.
> 
> What happens when he decides he can't do that? While I do think there is something amiss, I also believe you are looking for something to be wrong. As long as he is treating you well, I don't know what the problem is? It reads like you want a marriage without the license, ceremony and legal ramifications. Most men I know who are divorced and in a relationship, react similarly when they are not going to get married. It doesn't mean they don't love their SO. It just means they don't want to move to that next level. Some will never move to that next level. It doesn't mean they are cheating and it doesn't mean they are not.
> 
> I am not "looking for something to be wrong" at all. I don't like feeling excluded from an important part of his life, and it seems from the responses I have gotten, I am not in the minority with that. Not sure why the comment about "wanting a marriage without the license" was necessary. I would guess that most people in an exclusive dating relationship want to feel accepted into all aspects of their SO's life. And I have no reason to believe that this has anything to do with cheating. That's not even on my radar.
> 
> Remember, actions speak louder than words. Trust, but verify. Reads like he loves you and you like how he does that. You're not married to him. It's his life. Your's is your's. You can do as you please. I don't mean that to be snarky. It's how it is for now, in what I read about your life. Apparently, he likes it this way.
> 
> Yes, he does love me and I love him. We can both do as we "please". And having this relationship seems to please us both very much. Part of having a good relationship with someone is working through and compromising on problems or issues either of the parties involved has with what happens in the relationship.
> 
> I think you do need to talk further and tell him honestly, why you need to know his children. I'm sure he's wondering what's up with you. All has been great so far. This is going to be a tough conversation. Just be prepared for him to back off and think about where he wants to go. You both need to be really honest with yourselves and each other. Otherwise, you will both end up with resentments and this great relationship will crumble. JMHO


We have talked, and I believe we are both clear about how each other feels on this subject. I don't think he is wondering what is up with me at all. He has explained his hesitation, and I believe what he tells me the reason for it is. I put this post out there simply because I wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation.


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## sylviaslife

6301 said:


> Maybe it's the kids. It doesn't matter if their 8 or 18, some kids don't like to see their parents with anyone other than their spouse.
> 
> There are some kids that think that their parents shouldn't have a life. Now I know what I said is the extreme but since you, me and the others here on TAM haven't met them, there can possibly be a problem they might have seeing their dad with another woman.
> 
> What was the reason for his divorce? It could be a clue as to why you haven't met them yet.



It is possible they might have a problem with it, which is part of his reluctance in telling them. To my knowledge, they have not said they have a problem with it, it just hasn't been discussed.
Reason for divorce? Just another unhappy marriage. Differences realized after marriage escalated over the years. They grew apart. They fell out of love. They couldn't fix it.


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## EnjoliWoman

May I suggest a Memorial Day cookout and invite friends AND his kids? That way it's very casual and easy - low pressure. It gives him time to tell the kids he's been seeing someone and he'd like them to meet you. He can leave it open-ended for a bit and then bring up the cook-out.

Just an idea.


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## stillhoping

I was thinking the same thing, maybe you need to offer a way to meet them. I know I was in a relationship right after my D that went on too long, it wasn't the right one for me, but it always felt too hard to introduce my kids (26 and 24) to him. It seemed like just one more loss for them, even though their Dad has already moved in with another woman, for me it was like, yeah, but Mom is not supposed to do that! I think if he had been the right one, it might have been easier. Plus, now my youngest son has made some comments about me finding someone, he told me he couldn't believe there wasn't someone who wanted to be my Valentine and that I should be looking. 

I know how hard it was for my last guy to be excluded when I had family things going or he did and I wouldn't go. No matter how good the rest is, even if the kids are resistant, they can be polite, say hello and move on


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## hereinthemidwest

SOMETHING not adding up thou you already know this. HARDEST thing sometimes is conviencing our head what our heart already knows.

Give him a time frame. When the time comes be prepared to end it or keep on living the way you have. Don't forget we allow people how they will treat us. Telling someone I love you doesn't mean anything. Actions tell it all. And he's hurting you and being very disrepectful. 

Time you STOP making excuses for him and discover the real reason why you aren't included with his kids. TWO years??? Go see where's he at when he's not with you. 

Don't want to sound mean BUT, either we aren't getting full story or you live in denial.


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## sylviaslife

EnjoliWoman said:


> May I suggest a Memorial Day cookout and invite friends AND his kids? That way it's very casual and easy - low pressure. It gives him time to tell the kids he's been seeing someone and he'd like them to meet you. He can leave it open-ended for a bit and then bring up the cook-out.
> 
> Just an idea.


That's a really good idea!



stillhoping said:


> I was thinking the same thing, maybe you need to offer a way to meet them. I know I was in a relationship right after my D that went on too long, it wasn't the right one for me, but it always felt too hard to introduce my kids (26 and 24) to him. It seemed like just one more loss for them, even though their Dad has already moved in with another woman, for me it was like, yeah, but Mom is not supposed to do that! I think if he had been the right one, it might have been easier. Plus, now my youngest son has made some comments about me finding someone, he told me he couldn't believe there wasn't someone who wanted to be my Valentine and that I should be looking.
> 
> I know how hard it was for my last guy to be excluded when I had family things going or he did and I wouldn't go. No matter how good the rest is, even if the kids are resistant, they can be polite, say hello and move on


It's nice to hear your opinion since you've been in this situation, although in reverse. 



hereinthemidwest said:


> SOMETHING not adding up thou you already know this. HARDEST thing sometimes is conviencing our head what our heart already knows.
> 
> Give him a time frame. When the time comes be prepared to end it or keep on living the way you have. Don't forget we allow people how they will treat us. Telling someone I love you doesn't mean anything. Actions tell it all. And he's hurting you and being very disrepectful.
> 
> Time you STOP making excuses for him and discover the real reason why you aren't included with his kids. TWO years??? Go see where's he at when he's not with you.
> 
> Don't want to sound mean BUT, either we aren't getting full story or you live in denial.


I appreciate your opinion. I am not making excuses for him. I'm not sure what I have said here to give that impression. He and I have talked about this, and he has given me reasons which I have shared in this thread. And, yes, I do believe the reason he gives for them not meeting me yet. I also have no need to 'go see where he's at when he's not with me'. I know a lot of people here have a hard time with trust, but everything of concern in a relationship doesn't point to cheating. And nope, I don't live in denial.

I look at my relationship with this man overall, and overall it is great. Understandably, it is difficult for anyone on a forum to know the whole story of our relationship from what little I have said. Many people want to jump immediately to the idea that he must me hiding something. I am in this relationship every day, and he gives me no reason to believe that he is being untruthful or unfaithful. Yes, he could be a great actor and completely pulling one over on me I suppose. But I'd rather trust unless I have a reason to doubt, than to live and love in a state of mistrust and assuming the worst. 
My marriage was not good, but I'm not going to relive it in my future relationships.


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## Holland

This forum can be very trigger happy with the cheating accusations OP but that is understandable, don't let it cloud your thinking.

SO and I were very conservative with introducing our kids but we did tell them at around 4 months that we were dating. Our kids are younger than your partners but even so it is important for kids to know what is happening in their parents lives. You don't have to live in each others pockets but knowing you are part of their dads life should be important.

Personally if I were in this situation the part of that I would struggle with is what it would tell me about how he really felt about me. Kids are usually the most important people in a persons life and for him to not have told them about me would make me wonder how important I was to him. 

Only your partner knows the reason behind his action/ lack of action but no matter what that reason is it has the potential to ruin what sounds like an otherwise good relationship. I would discuss counselling with him and see if this can be resolved.


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## Deejo

When I was younger I dated a girl, her mom was a widow. GF's dad had been dead for over a decade. She had 3 brothers. All the kids were 20's or older.

I asked if her mom had somebody, and she looked offended. In the ensuing conversation she made it clear that neither she, nor her brothers would be happy about the idea of their mother dating, and no way would they want to 'meet the man taking their fathers place.'.

These werent children.


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## 3Xnocharm

Deejo said:


> When I was younger I dated a girl, her mom was a widow. GF's dad had been dead for over a decade. She had 3 brothers. All the kids were 20's or older.
> 
> I asked if her mom had somebody, and she looked offended. In the ensuing conversation she made it clear that neither she, nor her brothers would be happy about the idea of their mother dating, and no way would they want to 'meet the man taking their fathers place.'.
> 
> These werent children.


Wow, that is just SAD. I cannot understand why anyone would not want their parent to find happiness for themselves! How selfish!


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## Openminded

There are many adult children who don't want dad or mom with anyone else. Yes, it's selfish. And, yes, sometimes dad and mom go along with it to keep the peace with their children. Not a good way to live life.


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## sylviaslife

My biggest fear is that I will get to the point where I have to end the relationship because it just never happens. 

I understand the fear of what our children's reaction will be. I understand children needing some time to adjust to their parents being divorced and being with someone else. 

So, once he does finally tell them, I will then have to see what that brings if their reaction isn't good. 

It would be a very sad thing if he was to allow either of these things to interfere with our relationship.


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