# Thinking about separation..



## BmK13 (Aug 10, 2020)

I have been married for almost 5 years.. I am 26 years old and my husband is 29…each year of our marriage a new form of deceit came to light.
I’ve done everything I can to understand my partner and move on from the hurt, I love him a lot..but I know now that love is not enough for me to stay. Things have been way better between us. There’s no lying, more openness, and we’re in counseling. It honestly feels too good to be true sometimes.
I guess I’m writing this post because at times I feel like I have to always be on my toes in my marriage. I feel I have to keep guarded just in case he is doing something behind my back. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I feel it’s important to forgive, and I have forgiven him but I don’t think my heart can take anymore pain if anything else were to happen.
Am I wrong to be thinking about separation if everything has been going so well? This is such a tough spot to be in, especially when we have a 3 yr old son. I want a free mind, I don’t want to feel like I was never enough from the beginning anymore..


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

What types of deceit have occurred during the marriage?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BmK13 said:


> I have been married for almost 5 years.. I am 26 years old and my husband is 29…each year of our marriage a new form of deceit came to light.
> I’ve done everything I can to understand my partner and move on from the hurt, I love him a lot..but I know now that love is not enough for me to stay. Things have been way better between us. There’s no lying, more openness, and we’re in counseling. It honestly feels too good to be true sometimes.
> I guess I’m writing this post because at times I feel like I have to always be on my toes in my marriage. I feel I have to keep guarded just in case he is doing something behind my back. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I feel it’s important to forgive, and I have forgiven him but I don’t think my heart can take anymore pain if anything else were to happen.
> Am I wrong to be thinking about separation if everything has been going so well? This is such a tough spot to be in, especially when we have a 3 yr old son. I want a free mind, I don’t want to feel like I was never enough from the beginning anymore..


Welcome to TAM @BmK13 

You describe the very reason why when trust is broken in a relationship, it sometimes cannot be recovered. The nature of the deception is sometimes unimportant. The violation of trust alone, no matter how small, can be emotionally substantial. In your case I assume they are not minor “white lie” types of things.

If you’re like a lot of people, myself included, the “guarded” feeling you have will never completely go away. Your spouse is not “safe” and that’s not a healthy marriage. It’s not wrong of you to be considering separation or divorce. 

On the other hand, if your husband is truly trying to help you heal, it is possible to recover even from the worst betrayal. But only you can judge this. Only time (sometimes years, decades even) and proven trustworthiness can help you get there.

You sound like you are nearing the point of ending your marriage now. But if that’s not the case then I would say you are doing the right thing re:counseling. And as you go through counseling you will need to _know_ he is sincere. _Hoping_ he is sincere is a bad sign, you need to feel it in your bones that he is being open, transparent, and 100% honest. Only he can do this for you, and quite often people who have a deceptive nature cannot make that leap.

For me personally, when I was betrayed I stayed and wanted to believe her. I was a fool. There were always more betrayals. I was high on “hopium” and didn’t want to lose her.

You would be perfectly within your right end things now, and for your own mental and emotional health this might be the right thing. 5 years and a new deceit each year? That’s going to be hard to overcome.

I wish you the very best, whichever path you choose.
And keep posting here, answering questions and responding to comments. TAM has a lot of wonderful people with a lot of experience in these situations.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I couldn't live like that. Glad you are in counseling.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I couldn't live like that either. If you really don't think there is a future for your marriage, why not file for divorce? Separation implies that there might be hope for reconciliation. If that's not the case, I'd just file.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I just read your post from Aug 2020.

Ditch that guy. Divorce today.
There doesn't seem to be a limit to his lying cheating ways and he's tried to replace you a few times it looks like.

See a lawyer and get it done.










How do I heal from this?


Marriage has been tough for me .... Sooo since finding out that my husband hasn’t really been true to me while we were in the dating stages through marriage. I honestly feel like a fool. I mean everything seemed good with us, I had no reason to feel like he had interest in his ex’s or any other...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When you say deceit, do you mean cheating and lying? How many times?


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