# will never be ok with husband viewing porn



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

I know that my husband views porn secretly in early morning from time to time. When I recently discovered it we had a very good discussion about it and how it made me feel. He seemed to understand. I have no problems and in fact have the desire to have sex often. So my husband has no excuses. I have discussed with him my recent desires to have sex more frequently. and we have been (not always as often as i would like but better than in the past). This morning I noticed in garbage a wet paper towel with the smell of cum on it. So I know he was viewing porn again. I hate being secretive because I have never in our long mariage have had any reasons to mistrust my husband. Extremely honest man. I thought he had stopped for awhile but I think he started again. I know people say this is normal for guys but I cant help feeling hurt by it. I dont wake up every morning viewing porn or ever do this. Women can get off every day this way as well. so i believe there are no reasons for this when you have a loving wife right by your side. I have already approached him in past and it wasnt easy then and dont feel like approaching him again. I dont think it is every day but I do believe he knows now how to delete the history. So sad.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Sadly, he's not the only man to behave this way. Read up on porn use at Reuniting | Healing with Sexual Relationships

I believe porn use to be a slippery slope to other behaviours, which are readily available on-line, such as live chat, meetings, etc.

We had this problem once, and he claimed 'addiction'. I don't know if he's still doing it. If he is, it's not on our computer but where there's a will there's a way...Good luck!

BTW - I'll never be OK with it either, I don't care if 'every man looks at porn' or if it's 'completely normal behaviour'. Screw that.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Sadly, he's not the only man to behave this way. Read up on porn use at Reuniting | Healing with Sexual Relationships
> 
> I believe porn use to be a slippery slope to other behaviours, which are readily
> available on-line, such as live chat, meetings, etc.
> ...


I know CandyGirl porn should not be acceptable in a lovong marriage ut can you tell a man not to masterbate???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think every orgasm should be monitored and approved in advance by both spouses.

There should never be a sexual urge or thought not given prior ok.

No understanding of male or female sexuality should enter into the discussion during the approval process. Only the "feelings" of the approver should be considered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

what are you trying to say? spit it out directly


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I thought I was being direct.

I take it you didn't understand my point?

That possibly an awareness beyond "feelings" just might be more important than monitoring the trash can?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

are you insinuating that I am not in touch with his feeling????? cause I have tried very much to be in touch with his feelings? so please don't go there.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I don't care about the masturbating...what I do care about is the lack of attention/activity because of porn use. I also care about the lying. I fricken HATE liars. "Oh no, Honey, I've stopped all that!!! I swear!!!". Then you find sticky tissues or undeleted history.

Here we are (as women) ready and willing and we go without because the man's already exhausted himself at the computer. If that's where his priority lies, then all you can do is say "Go for it Buddy! Fill yer boots (or paper towels)..."...


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Ha Ha CandyGirl you are right on!!!!!!!!!!! I am with you 100%


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I responded because the implication seemed to be that the only sexual thing is intercourse and even that only when a wife wants it.

And knowing full well that both sexes indulge in their alone time, it seems extreme.

And disingenuous.

That said, I'm not referring to a situation where there is no intimacy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'll never understand how someone can be intimidated by video when they have a good sex life.

This is really a silly thing to ruin your relationship over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

If you were my wife and I ever even suspected you of "monitoring the garbage can" you would be packing your bags.

A man's wife is not his mother. 

You had really better come to a decision whether you want honesty in your marriage or not. 

Based on what you have typed so far you are not even close to understanding your husband. Not close at all.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I'll never understand how someone can be intimidated by video when they have a good sex life.
> 
> This is really a silly thing to ruin your relationship over.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree, what if a woman gets excited by a romance novel or a PG-13 movie with a sex scene or just a magazine picture of Brad Pitt? I'm not going to spend my time worrying about such fantasies and be the thought police, especially when it's obvious that she enjoys sex with me.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

OP:

You need to provide the context for your post. I think the guys are assuming that you deny sex to your husband, and he has to get satisfaction somehow. From this and your other posts, I am assuming that it is you who wants more sex and not your husband. Is this correct?

If so, you need to find out why he is reluctant to have sex with you. Does he have resentments toward you? Have you said things that he took the wrong way? You need to get to the bottom of why he does not engage with you in the bedroom.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

A man smells different after he has jacked off.
So if he does this prior to being with you, it is a different sexual experience for the woman. The whole hormonal balance in your relationship, as a couple, as a sexual identity created by two people, is different. It is a breach of relationship. Also knowing that images and sounds of other women have been in your house, your home, your husband's mind, sought out with a specific purpose in mind, hunted down electronically and brought to fulfilment without you, maybe just feet from you...is definitely a breach to emotional security in your own home.

Definitely different than say a guy satisfying himself in the shower or in private using imagination only - of you or whatever legitimate memories or non-disruptive fantasies he has of his own sex life (i.e. by non-disruptive I mean not fantasizing about an ex girlfriend he emails and phones in private and lies to you about it, or a chick at the coffee shop, etc.) 

The point here I think and it is one I absolutely agree with, is when porn use is disruptive to the marriage and to the couple's sex life and to the security of the home which belongs to all of the inhabitants. Lying is disruptive. Porn brings in outside electronic images which affect thinking. It also brings about a change in hormones in the male which are detectable to the female and deprive her of an experience which rightly belongs to her in the marriage. A marriage is when two people agree to look after each other and to create a mutual environment of trust. Breaching this by any means creates an imbalance which is disruptive. 

I used to have a lax attitude towards porn. I learned the difficult way how disruptive and addictive it can be in a relationship. I don't want to go into details but it can and does cause problems with thinking and action and the way you unconsciously treat your wife, including how she is looked at and touched. How you smell to her. Words you might use. Etc. It does bring in something from the outside that affects a relationship. It is not usually a positive something. It is energy sucking. Porn takes energy that could be put into a relationship and basically flushes it down the toilet. 

If you add up all of the hours a person needs to spend sleeping, eating, taking care of hygiene and working and getting to work, taking care of basic needs like money management grocery shopping cleaning, etc. there is very little time left for a marriage. To take a large portion of those few hours (or minutes) left in a day and to blow them in that manner instead of channeling into something that could instead improve your relationship with a real live person is a huge insult. And for what? 

My standard for any choice is whether it improves my relationship with my family/others and with myself, whether any action contributes to mental well-being of the family to which I belong and am responsible. If something is overwhelmingly selfish and extracts a price that is very high which I am not paying personally, I will not do it. Even if I would very much like to. 

Take drinking for instance. Sometimes when I go out I would like to have a drink, but I know I am responsible for getting home on time, for being alert the next day, for actually being there and being competent and available and present for the relationships I am committed to (husband/family/friends/work). So even though the margarita would be nice with that taco, and I can say that it is just a drink and lots of people drink and it won't really make a big difference, the truth is that it does. If I have the margarita maybe I won't be able to pay so much attention to dance class or the dinner conversation or will get home an hour later because I have to wait to drive, and next day I will be tired and cranky. 

How about overeating? You think my kids want to have to wait for me to catch up with them when I am walking with them? If I'm overweight they will have to, it won't be fun to hike with Mommy. When we go to the beach, well, maybe we wouldn't go to the beach if I don't like being in a bathing suit. Or you think my kids want to have to help me monitor blood sugar or be a hassle to carry me when I am very old? Or go blind from diabetes and all the hassle that comes from caring for an old person who is blind? So I make the choice, don't eat all the brownies I would like to, because it doesn't just affect me.

Same thing with spending. It's all about choices.

People who need porn should look at things in a bigger context of selfishness within a family, how it affects others really does matter. Well, the case could be made for say someone like me who could just look at a guy and think about having sex with them and have an orgasm. It doesn't even require porn or pornographic materials or physical contact with anyone for me to get off. But I choose not to, because I KNOW that if I go that route, it will ABSOLUTELY AFFECT my relationship with my husband, which is special and sacred (not in a religious way but sacred in an emotional, beautiful, natural way). I am going to do everything I can to protect that relationship. ANY SEXUAL ENERGY I come by, I put into my marriage. Because that is where I am going to get the most return from it. It BELONGS to my marriage, the awesome thing that was created by humans to channel our sexual energies into something more than depravity.

So, yah, if you like flushing away your life energy and chipping away at the limited time you have on earth to build something bigger than a pitiful solo experience of momentary pleasure, by all means, jack off and thrown away what you could have fed into a relationship shared with someone else who is passing through this life solo. It's a choice.

You only get so much sexual energy in life. It's not limitless. I'm not sure why people treat it like so much trash.
I prefer to be married to someone who shares my philosophy about the sacredness of their sexual energy, who values it so much that he wants to share it with me instead of throwing it away. And, hey, I'm MORE THAN HAPPY to receive and reciprocate. It's a relationship. That's what it's meant for.

Anything else is cheating. The way someone would take $200 of joint assets and use it for a butt wipe and flush it. How you spend your 'private' time in a marriage really does affect your marriage. You can choose to believe this or choose to think that it makes no difference. But choosing to believe that it makes no difference is probably the biggest insult you could deliver to your spouse.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

My thoughts on porn.
Before personal computers, men had to either go to a store and buy a magazine, go to a shop to view a film (in a curtained area) or had to walk into a XXX theater after driving there and buying a ticket to go.

If they had a wife who was in their house who was sexually responsive, she was the preferred immediate choice. She got the highest level of interaction and was the choice. The number one choice no matter how old, fit, etc she was at the moment (if they had kids, well, she was working on getting back into shape)

Computers make it cheap, easy, messes with their minds. Yup (guys reading this....that is you).

It isn't normal or natural to get the porn high so fast and easy. Biologically speaking, it is trouble. Period.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

If you are 100% willing and available when your husband wants to be sexual then I think you have every right to be upset. Porn should never be selected over a willing partner IMO. 

However, only you know how genuine that is... if he wakes up in the morning and rolls over and wants to have sex do you take care of that or tell him that you don't want it, maybe later?? I've found there is a tendency of women to exaggerate how available they really are. They think saying they'll have sex later or the next day is the same as being 100% available and it's not. And saying you'll take care of it by giving a crappy hand job isn't exactly being available either. I think most guys want a partner who wants to have sex or at least doesn't give off the impression that she's giving a BJ or hand job or having sex begrudgingly. Ya know the "okay I'll do it but hurry up already"... "are you going to cum soon?" honestly, given the choice between that and masturbating often times a guy may rather take care of it himself. 

If a woman isn't 100% sexually available (or close to 100%) then I don't think she has a right to be upset about him using porn and taking matters into his own hands. If he's choosing the porn when his wife is willing and happy to take care of him sexually then that's a problem.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I'll never understand how someone can be intimidated by video when they have a good sex life.
> 
> This is really a silly thing to ruin your relationship over.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe because the sex life isn't good? Or if it is good (every 2-3-4 weeks or more) it's just not often enough? Like I said, it's hard to accept the whole porn thing, when there's nothing going on in the bedroom. Many men wear themselves out at the computer leaving nothing for real women.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Meg said:


> I think we waste WAY too much time worrying about our men masturbating to porn. The fact is, they're horny a LOT, and immediate gratification is only a few clicks and little "elbow grease" away.
> 
> Are there problems with that? Sure. Just like there are problems with alcohol and substance abuse. But taking a shot, or a hit every day, isn't any reason to bring back Prohibition.
> 
> Wanna blow his mind? Ask him to show you what kind of porn he likes. Bring it out in the open, and show him you can pleasure yourself too. Won't cure the "problem," but it's better than drinking alone.


Well, they're not ALL horny a lot. When the well's almost dry, every little drop counts. Excuse me for not wanting it all to go to waste gumming up my keyboard!


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Well, they're not ALL horny a lot. When the well's almost dry, every little drop counts. Excuse me for not wanting it all to go to waste gumming up my keyboard!



LOL! Good one! (cause it is true!)


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Arguing the extreme when others are arguing non-extreme never leads to understanding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Men like naked women. Men are going to want to look at naked women. Men look at clothed women and imagine them naked. Nothing we as women do is ever going to change this fact. 

If you as a woman are intimidated by this then you need to find a guy who is able to stifle the urge to use the computer to look at porn, or else make it difficult for him to do so. My husband got into trouble because his porn viewing led to chatting, signing up for sex finder sites, arranging to meet women and other stuff. It went way past just porn. So now his computer is in the middle of our living room where we all can see what he's up to (we have 3 adult children at home so he is very rarely alone). He does not have any type of hand held device that he can view porn on, and he doesn't have an office at work any more that is private. He put these limitations on himself so that he doesn't get into trouble again. And we talk about it. I am open to seeing a movie or reading a book together, and we have a great sex life, so he really has no need to indulge himself in front of the computer. If he did, he would tell me and I would be involved as well - we'd do it together.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Your title, "Will never be ok with porn"

Is that a deal breaker for you? The reason I ask is, if its something he enjoys and wont stop doing, then its going to always be something you don't care for, so is this something you feel would leave your marriage over?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Men like naked women. Men are going to want to look at naked women. Men look at clothed women and imagine them naked. Nothing we as women do is ever going to change this fact.
> 
> If you as a woman are intimidated by this then you need to find a guy who is able to stifle the urge to use the computer to look at porn, or else make it difficult for him to do so. My husband got into trouble because his porn viewing led to chatting, signing up for sex finder sites, arranging to meet women and other stuff. It went way past just porn. So now his computer is in the middle of our living room where we all can see what he's up to (we have 3 adult children at home so he is very rarely alone). He does not have any type of hand held device that he can view porn on, and he doesn't have an office at work any more that is private. He put these limitations on himself so that he doesn't get into trouble again. And we talk about it. I am open to seeing a movie or reading a book together, and we have a great sex life, so he really has no need to indulge himself in front of the computer. If he did, he would tell me and I would be involved as well - we'd do it together.


It has nothing to do with being 'intimidated'. It has everything to do with cheating. You were able to get past this with your husband and that's great - but not all of us are as willing to put up with that kind of behaviour. In my case, before we were married, I caught H viewing right in the middle of the living room while I had a friend over. I let him know right then and there, that that was absolutely IT, we either end the relationship or go into counselling. He tearfully chose the counselling. It was there that I was able to express concerns about the behaviour escalating to other things, such as live-cam, hookups etc... He promised me he would stop, and so far, so good. I consider him stifled.

Am I a mean naggy sexually demanding wife, who won't let her H view porn? Darned right I am.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Your title, "Will never be ok with porn"
> 
> Is that a deal breaker for you? The reason I ask is, if its
> something he enjoys and wont stop doing, then its going to always be something you don't care for, so is this something you feel would leave your marriage over?


No I would never want to leave my marriage. My husband is a great father and husband and I love him dearly but this is hurting me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Masturbation by myself is a great way to start a fight with the missus it seems :smthumbup:

Still, sometimes I just get in the mood where I want it over fast choking the hell outta my chicken - and with less work. It's nothing to do with my desire for my wife, and I wish my wife and other women can understand that.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, okay. Here is my opinion.

Marriage is about mutually understanding each other and making your partner the priority in your life. Trying to understand your husband's needs and making them a priority is just as important as him trying to understand your needs and making them his priority.

The way I see it with the porn issue for a woman who it is an issue with, is that from her perspective, typically the husband is not fulfilling the needs of his wife - it can be a sexual need or otherwise. In the case where the husband is lying about it or being deceitful, he is not fulfilling his wife's need to have an honest partner. In the case where the husband is using it to satisfy himself and leaving his wife out in the cold, he is not fulfilling his wife's need for sexual intimacy and security. In either case, he is potentially not acting respectful. They are all weaknesses.

On the opposite side, the wife has a responsibility to try and understand her husband and his sexuality. I'm a firm believer that marriage is about exploring that relationship together - that means being honest with each other about your activities and your desires. It does not mean being controlling (such as actively searching and patrolling for activity you do not approve of), but it is about being honest and working together.

Whether it's pornography or other issues in the marriage, no, sorry I do not believe that one spouse or the other has a unilateral right to make a decision about its appropriateness or not when it involves both of them - at least not without consultation of the other party. It is a decision that should be made together. Sorry, I am not a big believer that either spouse gets carte blanche to follow their own desires and whims in the marriage as they wish. The husband and wife must come to a consensus together. I know that may not be a popular view, especially if you try and extrapolate that to things that you may deem as 'solo' or 'private' activities, but those activities will slowly over time start to put a wedge in to your married life if you do not actively try to come to some sort of resolution that is agreeable to both parties.

Best wishes.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Unplug the computer when he isn't home.Take it somewhere, and tell him due to all the HOT women on the porn sites it got overheated and exploded, see his reaction and how long he can go with out the computer. Sorry just joking  

:lol:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

trey69 said:


> Unplug the computer when he isn't home.Take it somewhere, and tell him due to all the HOT women on the porn sites it got overheated and exploded, see his reaction and how long he can go with out the computer. Sorry just joking
> 
> :lol:


Tee hee...my H made me p/w protect the computer. I felt like an idiot doing so, but it makes him feel better. I want to help him. I don't want our marriage to fail, especially over this.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Enchantment hit the nail on the head about the issues with porn in a marriage.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Well, okay. Here is my opinion.
> 
> Marriage is about mutually understanding each other and making your partner the priority in your life. Trying to understand your husband's needs and making them a priority is just as important as him trying to understand your needs and making them his priority.
> 
> ...


WOW Enchantment that was very well said and I really believe what you are saying sounds good. But I have already communicated to my husband that I was upset with him viewing porn( discovered it recently purely buy accident, not by spying) and tried to communicate with him how we could make our sex life better. I am a willing partner. Our sex has gotten better but when I do try to discuss sex with him for example when we are out to dinner, I believe he doesnt want to open up that much. We both in the past are not the type to talk about sex. But I have changed recently and trying to be more open. Life is too short if you know what I mean. I love my husband dearly and want to be open but this is difficult and their may be a fine line. not sure


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you aren't willing to put up with the behaviour, then draw your line in the sand, making the consequences very clear to him if he crosses it. Then carry through if and when he does. Otherwise, your line means nothing. If him viewing porn means, to you, that he is cheating, then he needs to agree with you and be willing to change. If he isn't, then he's going to continue to 'cheat' on you.

I also agree with enchantment. You need to be flexible about your lines and be willing to revisit them based on your evolving marriage dynamic.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> If you aren't willing to put up with the behaviour, then draw your line in the sand, making the consequences very clear to him if he crosses it. Then carry through if and when he does. Otherwise, your line means nothing. If him viewing porn means, to you, that he is cheating, then he needs to agree with you and be willing to change. If he isn't, then he's going to continue to 'cheat' on you.
> 
> I also agree with enchantment. You need to be flexible about your lines and be willing to revisit them based on your evolving marriage dynamic.


 I dont understand what you mean. Do you believe viewing porn is cheating. I dont know if i necessarily believe he is cheating but feel hurt that he is getting his sexual needs met by viewing porn. I dont know if it is totally right for me to say you cant masterbate to porn. Will i be taking his manhood away. I am struggling with this. I love him so much and just want him to be this way with me. But can a women say you cant do that. It is hard to talk with him, and as i said we already had the discussion when i intially discovered he was viewing porn and i believe he was sensitive to how i felt and said all the right things to me. ooooh i just dont know.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> If you were my wife and I ever even suspected you of "monitoring the garbage can" you would be packing your bags
> 
> A man's wife is not his mother.
> 
> ...


for your information BIGBADWOLF, I am bot monitoring the garbage can. I recently discovered that he views porn by accident. I never was mistrustful of my husband EVER! But he is the one with the dirty little dishonest secret NOT me! Wow woudnt want you to be my husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

michzz said:


> Arguing the extreme when others are arguing non-extreme never leads to understanding.
> _Posted via Mobile
> Device_


what's with all your quotes and statements, speak directly already!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> Wow woudnt want you to be my husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Butbutbutbutbutbutbut!!! He's the mighty BBW! He is the unchallenged authority on what every woman wants and every man must do! :rofl:


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> I dont understand what you mean. Do you believe viewing porn is cheating. I dont know if i necessarily believe he is cheating


This is a value judgement, and whilst you can canvas opinions here, there or anywhere, ultimately only you can decide where you stand on this. If you do, where do you draw your line: outright porn, "lads magazines", red-top tabloids (in the UK these have topless women in them). You need to be clear and transmit it absolutely clearly.


> but feel hurt that he is getting his sexual needs met by viewing porn.


You have every right to feel this, especially if you feel your needs are not met, or that you are trying very hard. However, see, read and absorb what RandomDude wrote. 



> I dont know if it is totally right for me to say you cant masterbate to porn.


You can say it. But there are consequences to doing so. You either have to be prepared to make it a dealbreaker if he carries on and kick him into touch, or accept that you’re like King Canute and the sea.


> Will i be taking his manhood away.


 No.


> I am struggling with this. I love him so much and just want him to be this way with me.


 You want to change him into something that will only ever get any sort of sexual relief at your say-so? Be careful. If you cannot live up to that ideal of perfection all you will do is create resentment.


> But can a women say you cant do that.


 You can say it, but would you equally be prepared for him to have absolute, complete utter and total control over your sexuality? That’s what you’re asking. If you’re good with that, then it’s a fair question for you to ask. Whether he can deliver on it is a different matter.


> It is hard to talk with him, and as i said we already had the discussion when i intially discovered he was viewing porn and i believe he was sensitive to how i felt and said all the right things to me. ooooh i just dont know.


If you don’t we won’t. But we’ll try to help.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> It has nothing to do with being 'intimidated'. It has everything to do with cheating. You were able to get past this with your husband and that's great - but not all of us are as willing to put up with that kind of behaviour. In my case, before we were married, I caught H viewing right in the middle of the living room while I had a friend over. I let him know right then and there, that that was absolutely IT, we either end the relationship or go into counselling. He tearfully chose the counselling. It was there that I was able to express concerns about the behaviour escalating to other things, such as live-cam, hookups etc... He promised me he would stop, and so far, so good. I consider him stifled.
> 
> Am I a mean naggy sexually demanding wife, who won't let her H view porn? Darned right I am.


Let's say your H tells you that you watching, for illustration's sake, _Grey's Anatomy_ is IT...you either end te relationship or go to counseling. He finds the self-centered whining of 40-something 8th year med students to be insulting to his intelligence and doesn't care for you going all googly-eyed over McDreamy, McSneezy and McDopey...in fact, finds it offensive. (Edited for clarity.)

What would your response be?

ETA: Describing oneself as "mean," "nagging" and "demanding" is not something that one is normally proud of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

gmabcd said:


> what's with all your quotes and statements, speak directly already!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





michzz said:


> Arguing the extreme when others are arguing non-extreme never leads to understanding.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




I thought that was a direct comment regarding issue definition and argumentation.

Reflect a little please.

As an aside, you mention discussing sexual issues with your husband while out to dinner.

Tip: he's not likely to open up about sensitive issues such as jerking off vs screwing the wife while sitting in a public place.

Are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

michzz said:


> I thought that was a direct comment regarding issue definition and argumentation.
> 
> Reflect a little please.
> 
> ...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I try to answer in a way that promotes reflection beyond the immediate retort whenever I have the patience.

That you feel comfortable discussing whether or not you like it that your husband masturbates to porn and lies to you about it instead if screwing his wife who RECENTLY had more desire---in a restaurant---; when most couples would prefer a more private setting, points towards a wish to punish, not communication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> I dont understand what you mean. Do you believe viewing porn is cheating. I dont know if i necessarily believe he is cheating but feel hurt that he is getting his sexual needs met by viewing porn.


Sorry, I was actually responding to a post by CandieGirl where she said she views it as cheating. Personally I do not, but that's something every couple has to decide for themselves. You sound as though you are a bit more reasonable about it.



gmabcd said:


> I dont know if it is totally right for me to say you cant masterbate to porn. Will i be taking his manhood away. I am struggling with this. I love him so much and just want him to be this way with me. But can a women say you cant do that. It is hard to talk with him, and as i said we already had the discussion when i intially discovered he was viewing porn and i believe he was sensitive to how i felt and said all the right things to me. ooooh i just dont know.


You can say whatever you want to, but it doesn't really mean much if you won't or can't back it up with actions. And the likelihood of ANY guy actually never ever again looking at porn just because his wife demands it is, IMO, highly unlikely.


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

Just so that you know...most guys wake up in the morning with "wood"...would you prefer him to wake you up in the morning and ask you to "address the issue at hand"? or should he just deal with it and get on with his day...I know you say you are wanting more sex, but is the timing the same as his want? he may just need to get that out of the way so that he doesn't pee on the wall first thing in the morning...

I only see porn as a problem if it is preferred to the acutal act with your partner...if it is just to augment the activity, where is the problem?

And I don't remember who, but someone suggested that when a man "rubs one out" he smells different and that there may be "nothing left in the tank"...ummm, no...I used to go into the bathroom and jerk off before sex with my wife so that I wasn't finished before we started...then I would enjoy the foreplay much more, since I wasn't fighting the urge to release...and could pay more attention to her and play more...

Before you tell him that he can't have porn...be prepared for him to want to just stick it in, and get the release...since that is what most guys use porn for...not to replace the act of making love...there is a huge difference there...

Later.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

The reason men tend to watch porn is because their wifes don't want to have sex with them enough.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

gmabcd said:


> I know that my husband views porn secretly in early morning from time to time. When I recently discovered it we had a very good discussion about it and how it made me feel. He seemed to understand. I have no problems and in fact have the desire to have sex often. So my husband has no excuses. I have discussed with him my recent desires to have sex more frequently. and we have been (not always as often as i would like but better than in the past). This morning I noticed in garbage a wet paper towel with the smell of cum on it. So I know he was viewing porn again. I hate being secretive because I have never in our long mariage have had any reasons to mistrust my husband. Extremely honest man. I thought he had stopped for awhile but I think he started again. I know people say this is normal for guys but I cant help feeling hurt by it. I dont wake up every morning viewing porn or ever do this. Women can get off every day this way as well. so i believe there are no reasons for this when you have a loving wife right by your side. I have already approached him in past and it wasnt easy then and dont feel like approaching him again. I dont think it is every day but I do believe he knows now how to delete the history. So sad.


I feel the exact same way.. I believe it has no place in marriage, unless both parties are ok with it.

I dont watch it nor do i read romance novels. 

Over the last 2 or more years. We have sex about once every other month. It is not enough for me and he knew it... About a month ago i found porn again.. Mind you we haven't had sex in about 2 months at this point. I was livid. He chose that over me. When i confronted him about it he lied, of course.. Said he didn't know how that got there and also you know i don't look at that sh!t anymore. uh-huh sure, right. He must thing i am an idiot.. I am far from it.

I almost left him, not just over the porn, but because he was neglecting his wife. None of my needs were being met, not even the basic ones. I have always been a willing participant for sex... I have never once told him no, even if i wasn't in the mood.. I have always been into sex.. So he has no excuse.

I do view porn as a form of cheating IF one chooses that over a flesh and blood person..

Our relationship has suffered so much that i no longer have an emotional connection with him. It is gone.. I am not sure we will ever get that back. I also don't trust him anymore and haven't in 2 years... 

It made me feel that he no longer wanted me. It hurt me so much that i was so upset. It makes me feel like sh!t about myself. It makes me feel like a piece of garbage that he threw in the trash.. 

I made sure he knows how i felt about it. I set my boundaries with him. I told him it is not ok with me and it never will be. He told me he understood. 

You know there are ways to get the history even if it has been deleted even with a delete program. You can Google undelete history a lot of them are free.. I use file recovery 8.. If his history is clear then you know he doesn't want you to see what he has been looking at.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

ladybird said:


> I feel the exact same way.. I believe it has no place in marriage, unless both parties are ok with it.


Essentially agreed. That said, as long as it's not detracting from the actual relationship...it's not gone to _instead of_ sex, I'm not sure why either party would have much, if any, problem win it beyond, "It's just not my cup o' tea."



> I dont watch it nor do i read romance novels.


Do you watch soaps (daytime or prime time, including shows like the previously mentioned _Grey's Anatomy_ or _90210_)? Watch or read the Twilight movies/books? Etc?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Grayson said:


> Essentially agreed. That said, as long as it's not detracting from the actual relationship...it's not gone to _instead of_ sex, I'm not sure why either party would have much, if any, problem win it beyond, "It's just not my cup o' tea."
> 
> The problem is that porn does detract from the actual relationship, in our marriage. and it is instead of sex with me.
> 
> ...


I have read all the twilight books and i don't see the connection with twilight to porn. I also do not watch soaps or Grey's anatomy. And the point being is?

All i am saying is that IF once spouse has a problem with something, then it should stop and that just is not regarding porn it goes for everything... And also if a wife is unwilling to have sex with her husband then fine... That is not the issue. The issue is him choosing it OVER his wife, is what i am saying.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Brian. said:


> The reason men tend to watch porn is because their wifes don't want to have sex with them enough.


Oh really, I dont believe that is true for myself. I am willing and able all the time. What a naive comment!! or a caveman comment.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

really ladybird, can you specifically tell me how to see deleted history? step by step, not good with that stuff


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

gmabcd said:


> really ladybird, can you specifically tell me how to see deleted history? step by step, not good with that stuff


Here is the link. File Recover | Deleted Files Recovery, Restore Files

Once You get to the page there is a try a free scan button.. click it. After you click it you will either have a pop up at the top of the screen if so click download. OR it will show on the bottom of the screen, click keep. Once you do that click on what you just downloaded and click on the run button. Follow the steps on the install screen.

On the first screen in file recovery you can choose to do a quick scan or a deep scan. Look in C;; chose all files. Click on start scan. You will see everything that has been deleted on his computer.. Be prepared for what you may find...

Remember that once you are done using the recovery program you may want to delete it. Click on the start button on the desk top task bar. Find the control panel, find programs, uninstall program, then find file recovery 8 in the list and click on uninstall.

The control panel may be in a different location depending on what windows version you have.. I have windows 7 64 bit on mine. Good luck... if u need more help let me know.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> A man smells different after he has jacked off.
> So if he does this prior to being with you, it is a different sexual experience for the woman. The whole hormonal balance in your relationship, as a couple, as a sexual identity created by two people, is different. It is a breach of relationship. Also knowing that images and sounds of other women have been in your house, your home, your husband's mind, sought out with a specific purpose in mind, hunted down electronically and brought to fulfilment without you, maybe just feet from you...is definitely a breach to emotional security in your own home.
> 
> Definitely different than say a guy satisfying himself in the shower or in private using imagination only - of you or whatever legitimate memories or non-disruptive fantasies he has of his own sex life (i.e. by non-disruptive I mean not fantasizing about an ex girlfriend he emails and phones in private and lies to you about it, or a chick at the coffee shop, etc.)
> ...


:iagree: and i could not have said it any better my self


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> A man smells different after he has jacked off.
> So if he does this prior to being with you, it is a different sexual experience for the woman. The whole hormonal balance in your relationship, as a couple, as a sexual identity created by two people, is different. It is a breach of relationship. Also knowing that images and sounds of other women have been in your house, your home, your husband's mind, sought out with a specific purpose in mind, hunted down electronically and brought to fulfilment without you, maybe just feet from you...is definitely a breach to emotional security in your own home.
> 
> Definitely different than say a guy satisfying himself in the shower or in private using imagination only - of you or whatever legitimate memories or non-disruptive fantasies he has of his own sex life (i.e. by non-disruptive I mean not fantasizing about an ex girlfriend he emails and phones in private and lies to you about it, or a chick at the coffee shop, etc.)
> ...


Nice.the perfect marriage utopia

but it only works if both husband and wife want it.or if both wife and husband want it.

you can lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

gmabcd said:


> I dont know if it is totally right for me to say you cant masterbate to porn. Will i be taking his manhood away. I am struggling with this. I love him so much and just want him to be this way with me. But can a women say you cant do that. It is hard to talk with him, and as i said we already had the discussion when i initially discovered he was viewing porn and i believe he was sensitive to how i felt and said all the right things to me. ooooh i just dont know.


Hey gmabcd, I struggled with the porn issue in my marriage also. I knew porn was "normal" for men to watch so I was conflicted with how hurt I was and also with what I "should" be OK with. My H was also not interested in having sex with me and I was very willing. He shut me down many times and wouldnt talk about it. My self esteem really took a hit. I know how much it hurts. 

After spending a few years trying to fix the problem I came to a couple of conclusions. I was never going to be OK with porn in this marriage. It just didnt work. And secondly, I was not going to try and make him stop anymore. I told him I was not going to be OK with porn and left it up to him to change if he wanted to. I went to counseling for my low self-esteem but left the porn up to him. Our situations are a bit different because I don't have kids so leaving was an option that I freely threw on the table. It seemed like things really turned around after that. He started looking up programs like k9 web protection to put on his computer and phone. I didnt have to prompt, or threaten him anymore. 

In addition, he knew full well that I had a keylogger on his computer. There was no way I was going to take his word for it after he lied to me multiple times. After awhile of checking the keylogger and him being honest with me I was able to stop checking it. I think it is the lying that gets to you the most.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Meg said:


> "wifes?"
> 
> Bless your heart, Brian. What grade are you in, dear?


so you attack him on a personal note because you don't like his opinion or statement?

what grade are you in? dear


why comment at all if you disagree with him say it and be respectfull.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Brian. said:


> The reason men tend to watch porn is because their wifes don't want to have sex with them enough.


This is not the case for my husband and I. I am always willing to have sex with him when ever . I want sex all the time. Wake me up, whatever..


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

ladybird said:


> I have read all the twilight books and i don't see the connection with twilight to porn. I also do not watch soaps or Grey's anatomy. And the point being is?


The point is you appear to contradict yourself. You "don't read romance novels," so I'm curious how else you might describe the Twilight books..."tween"-targeted romance novels that - between the books themselves and their companion movies - have masses of their target audience and middle-aged women alike howling (no pun intended) in spasms of unbridled lust for the name lead characters. In other words, most people find a source for charging their fantasy life's motor, and, in many (most?) cases, it has no negative impact on their relationship. In other cases, it may be having such an impact, but the person doesn't see or believe the impact to be what it is. After all...it's "just" Twilight...it's "just" named pictures...haw can their partner possibly feel truly threatened by it?



> All i am saying is that IF once spouse has a problem with something, then it should stop and that just is not regarding porn it goes for everything... And also if a wife is unwilling to have sex with her husband then fine... That is not the issue. The issue is him choosing it OVER his wife, is what i am saying.


And, to that extent, I can agree. Just consider that this is a two-way street. While I'm not saying this is necessarily the case in your situation, would you agree that a husband may feel equally rejected in favor of a sparkly vampire, shirtless werewolf, dreamy doctor, etc?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Grayson said:


> The point is you appear to contradict yourself. You "don't read romance novels," so I'm curious how else you might describe the Twilight books..."tween"-targeted romance novels that - between the books themselves and their companion movies - have masses of their target audience and middle-aged women alike howling (no pun intended) in spasms of unbridled lust for the name lead characters. In other words, most people find a source for charging their fantasy life's motor, and, in many (most?) cases, it has no negative impact on their relationship. In other cases, it may be having such an impact, but the person doesn't see or believe the impact to be what it is. After all...it's "just" Twilight...it's "just" named pictures...haw can their partner possibly feel truly threatened by it?
> 
> Ok i do not find the twilight Saga erotic what so ever. It is not like an erotic romance novel and by that i mean extremely graphic in detail. It is not graphic what so ever. I do see a big difference between twilight and porn. They are not even on the same level with one another.
> 
> ...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Sadly, he's not the only man to behave this way. Read up on porn use at Reuniting | Healing with Sexual Relationships
> 
> I believe porn use to be a slippery slope to other behaviours, which are readily available on-line, such as live chat, meetings, etc.
> 
> ...




We are only led to believe that it is "normal" behavior for men to view porn because that is what we have been told.. if we were told that all men cheat that would also be normal, because that is what "normal"men do... I am just sayin. Just like we are led to believe that men have the higher drive then woman.. that isn't true either, In most cases.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

L


ladybird said:


> We are only led to believe that it is "normal" behavior for men to view porn because that is what we have been told.. if we were told that
> all men cheat that would also be
> normal, because that is what "normal"men do... I am just sayin. Just like we are led to believe that men have the higher drive then woman.. that isn't true either, In most cases.


you are so right! I do believe I have a higher sex drive than my husband and least now at this point in my life. When my kids were young it was harder to focus on our sex life, but I am definetely more focused on it now that I am older.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Brian. said:


> The reason men tend to watch porn is because their wifes don't want to have sex with them enough.


Certainly you can't speak for all men. That is not always the case. 

What about the women who do have sex with their husbands? The ones who meet their husbands needs sexually and will try anything with them, and quite often too. 

I don't even think it has much to do with sex, I think it has more to do with something else that is missing/lacking. Whether its within the marriage or within themselves.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Let's say your H tells you that you watching, for illustration's sake, _Grey's Anatomy_ is IT...you either end te relationship or go to counseling. He finds the self-centered whining of 40-something 8th year med students to be insulting to his intelligence and doesn't care for you going all googly-eyed over McDreamy, McSneezy and McDopey...in fact, finds it offensive. (Edited for clarity.)
> 
> What would your response be?
> 
> ...


:lol::lol::lol:

:rofl:Are you effing kidding me??? Guess I touched a nerve, EH? Grey's Anatomy...pfff! :rofl:

:lol::lol::lol:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Sorry, I was actually responding to a post by CandieGirl where she said she views it as cheating. Personally I do not, but that's something every couple has to decide for themselves. You sound as though you are a bit more reasonable about it.
> 
> 
> 
> You can say whatever you want to, but it doesn't really mean much if you won't or can't back it up with actions. And the likelihood of ANY guy actually never ever again looking at porn just because his wife demands it is, IMO, highly unlikely.


I said I view it as cheating because it is a definite PATH to cheating, I'm sure some of you are all too familiar with this. I don't see the problem in my wanting him to avoid the behaviour. If I was the one engaging in a behaviour that may lead to actual cheating, such as an emotional affair, I would hope to heck he'd do everything he could to stop me. What's so wrong with that? 

I appreciate many of your views and I find many of them helpful, but what I don't appreciate is the need some have of trying to ridicule anyone else brave enough to answer on here. It's not always easy to air one's dirty laundry - personally, I find it cathartic - EXCEPT when I see moronic answers comparing porn use to flipping 'Grey's Anatomy'.

Is he 'never going to look at porn again' on my say-so? Probably not, you're right. But at least avoiding it for the most part we avoid arguments and hurt.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

ladybird said:


> We are only led to believe that it is "normal" behavior for men to view porn because that is what we have been told.. if we were told that all men cheat that would also be normal, because that is what "normal"men do... I am just sayin. Just like we are led to believe that men have the higher drive then woman.. that isn't true either, In most cases.


So true...but apparently, all women watch 'Grey's Anatomy', and fantasize about the 'dreamy doctors', so who am I to say anything more on the topic, wink wink...

So, is it worth watching, Grey's Anatomy, I mean? I've never seen it! But now my interest is piqued.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Blanca said:


> Hey gmabcd, I struggled with the porn issue in my marriage also. I knew porn was "normal" for men to watch so I was conflicted with how hurt I was and also with what I "should" be OK with.* My H was also not interested in having sex with me and I was very willing. He shut me down many times and wouldnt talk about it. My self esteem really took a hit. I know how much it hurts. *After spending a few years trying to fix the problem I came to a couple of conclusions. I was never going to be OK with porn in this marriage. It just didnt work. And secondly, I was not going to try and make him stop anymore. *I told him I was not going to be OK with porn and left it up to him to change if he wanted to. I went to counseling for my low self-esteem but left the porn up to him. *Our situations are a bit different because I don't have kids so leaving was an option that I freely threw on the table. It seemed like things really turned around after that. He started looking up programs like k9 web protection to put on his computer and phone. I didnt have to prompt, or threaten him anymore.
> 
> In addition, he knew full well that I had a keylogger on his computer. There was no way I was going to take his word for it after he lied to me multiple times. After awhile of checking the keylogger and him being honest with me I was able to stop checking it. *I think it is the lying that gets to you the most*.


Amen to you, my dear woman! I think one has to be in firm possession of a uterus to completely understand this issue sometimes...sorry men!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

CandieGirl said:


> Amen to you, my dear woman! I think one has to be in firm possession of a uterus to completely understand this issue sometimes...sorry men!


Firm possession of a uterus does not grant special insight into why a guy does something any more than having a penis grants us the power to figure out female behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

michzz said:


> Firm possession of a uterus does not grant special insight into why a guy does something any more than having a penis grants us the power to figure out female behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good one.


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## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> If you were my wife and I ever even suspected you of "monitoring the garbage can" you would be packing your bags.
> 
> A man's wife is not his mother.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Stay out da trash !


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> :lol::lol::lol:
> 
> :rofl:Are you effing kidding me??? Guess I touched a nerve, EH? Grey's Anatomy...pfff! :rofl:
> 
> :lol::lol::lol:


It's called "illustrating a point."

You've decided, unilaterally, what genres of entertainment that receive your stamp of approval for your husband. If he violates this, in your own words, "that's IT."

Yet, your response to my question answers that question loud and clear: you find it ridiculous to consider that your husband might make a similar unilateral decision regarding your own entertainment choices.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> I said I view it as cheating because it is a definite PATH to cheating, I'm sure some of you are all too familiar with this. I don't see the problem in my wanting him to avoid the behaviour. If I was the one engaging in a behaviour that may lead to actual cheating, such as an emotional affair, I would hope to heck he'd do everything he could to stop me. What's so wrong with that?


Please elaborate. How, exactly, is watching a video or looking at a picture "a definite PATH to cheating." By the yardstick you appear to be applying, we can also say that talking is "a definite PATH to cheating." Do you also forbid your husband to talk or "that's IT?"



> I appreciate many of your views and I find many of them helpful, but what I don't appreciate is the need some have of trying to ridicule anyone else brave enough to answer on here. It's not always easy to air one's dirty laundry - personally, I find it cathartic - EXCEPT when I see moronic answers comparing porn use to flipping 'Grey's Anatomy'.


See previous post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> So, is it worth watching, Grey's Anatomy, I mean? I've never seen it! But now my interest is piqued.


if you haven't, you're very lucky. But, continue to miss the point of my question by choosing to focus on the specific that was clearly prefaced by the words "for example." Since you clearly feel that illustrations are invalid unless they specifically address your situation, feel free to list a few of your favorite tv shows and/or movies, and I'll rephrase the question. Or, I can just rephrase in the most general terms possible: would you be as accepting of your husband deciding what entertainment genres are forbidden to you as you expect him to be of you making such decisions for him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Please elaborate. How, exactly, is watching a video or looking at a picture "a definite PATH to cheating." By the yardstick you appear to be applying, we can also say that talking is "a definite PATH to cheating." Do you also forbid your husband to talk or "that's IT?"
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What insightful comments...! I guess you were right...there's nothing at all wrong with porn, cuz it's just like TALKING! Phew! For a minute there, I thought I was the one with the issues! 


You know, I don't come on here to argue with people, just to offer my own opinions. I daresay, if you don't like what I have to say, Grayson, by all mesans, stay of my posts...at the end of the day, nothing you say is really going to change my view, so your attacks are not only immature, but really quite futile.

Have a good weekend - whatever your chosen genre of entertainmenet is ...


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> So, is it worth watching, Grey's Anatomy, I mean? I've never seen it! But now my interest is piqued.


if you haven't, you're very lucky. But, continue to miss the point of my question by choosing to focus on the specific that was clearly prefaced by the words "for example." Since you clearly feel that illustrations are invalid unless they specifically address your situation, feel free to list a few of your favorite tv shows and/or movies, and I'll rephrase the question. Or, I can just rephrase in the most general terms possible: would you be as accepting of your husband deciding what entertainment genres are forbidden to you as you expect him to be of you making such decisions for him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> What insightful comments...! I guess you were right...there's nothing at all wrong with porn, cuz it's just like TALKING! Phew! For a minute there, I thought I was the one with the issues!


*sigh* If you're going to counter what I say, then please counter...what I say. 

You'll notice that I asked for clarification of your POV, then proceeded to expand upon what was clearly labeled as my current perception of same. So, if I got it wrong, I once again ask you to please clarify how you conclude that looking at videos or pictures is "a definite PATH to cheating," as I can see several fallacies with that conclusion as presented.



> You know, I don't come on here to argue with people, just to offer my own opinions. I daresay, if you don't like what I have to say, Grayson, by all mesans, stay of my posts...at the end of the day, nothing you say is really going to change my view, so your attacks are not only immature, but really quite futile.


I don't come on here to argue with anyone, either. Like you, I am offering my own opinions. They happen to Seem to run counter to yours in this case. That being the case, and this being a discussion board, after all, an appropriate action in such a situation is not to "stay out of [the other party's] posts, but to...discuss those viewpoints.

And, for the record, expressing a differing viewpoint is not "attacking." Also for the record, I'm not asking you to suddenly, out of the blue decide that you like porn. If you don't like it, that's fine. I'm sure there are things that you like that I don't. But, I donask that you at least consider the possibility that it, in and of itself, is not an issue. When someone's behavior impacts their relationship, that's a problem. If they're repeatedly choosing porn (or football, or gambling, or their friends, or their hobby, or... You get the picture.) over interaction with their partner, that's a problem. But, I tend to believe that the porn (or whatever) use isn't the source of the problem, but rather, a symptom. If one person is repeatedly turning to an outside source for mental or emotional stimulation to the detriment of their relationship, the problem already existed...a need or want unfulfilled that is being expressed poorly, finding an outlet.

Time for another illustration, if that's ok. In the late 80's, the young co-star of the sitcom "My Sister Sam" was murdered by a stalker. He claimed to he influenced to do so by the U2 song "Exit." I'm a big U2 fan. "Exit" is one of my favorite songs. Yet in all the times I've heard it, I've never once been driven to kill a teenaged sitcom star. Likewise, the Manson "family" infamously tried to connect their murders to the Beatles' "Helter Skelter." As the late Sam Kinison said, Manson would've gotten the same "message" from the Monkees. I think you'd agree that, in these and other cases in which music is blamed for horrible behavior, the problem lies not in the music, but in the listener. Along those same lines, it was fashionable in the media for a time to report on "D&D suicides," and try tondraw a connection between playing a role playing game and teens killing themselves. That boils down to looking for the more exciting headline. Which would grab your attention more..."Depressed, anti-social teen, ignored or bullied, who watches tv, reads, plays RPG's and listens to rock music kills self" or "Fantasy game leads to suicide!"?

By now, you're probably wondering where this is going...or maybe you've guessed. If we look at the examples above, the songs, the games...those are essentially scapegoats, clutched to by those looking to make sense of something overwhelming, by someone looking to escape their own responsibility for their actions, the media looking for a "hook." The same applies to porn. It does not "cause" cheating. It does not "lead to" cheating. The person viewing it makes the choice. And if that person cheats, then says that "porn made me do it," they're providing excuses...looking for a way out. They may as well say that "Exit," "Helter Skelter," Dungeons and Dragons or even Grey's Anatomy made them do it. The excuse is just as (in)valid.

Some people don't like porn. That's fine. Everyone has their own personal tastes. But it only holds the power that the viewer allows it to have.



> Have a good weekend - whatever your chosen genre of entertainmenet is ...


You as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

Very interesting thread. I would gladly never look at porn again if I was able to have sex instead of being led on by my wife. She will say she is interested in sex, but when the planned on time arrives, the well is dry and I end up frustrated and unhappy. She had a hysterectomy 2 years ago and has absolutely no desire for sex any more. 

She used to read romance novels, and look at porn on her computer (I checked her history saw it, and never made a big deal about it, I actually tried to figure out what some of her fantasies might be from her books and her browsing). We watched porn together, and if she initiated sex or I initiated sex it would happen...every time. Since her hysterectomy I can count the times we have had sex on my hands. Yep, less than 10 times in 2 years. So, instead of giving up on my wife of almost 20 years, I masturbate to porn ...a lot, and to be honest it sucks.

We are trying to work out how we can get back to it, but when I try and initiate sex, the look on her face is like I am about to torture her. Her discomfort with sex due to pain in her abdomen and pain in her vaginal walls is such that when I see the look on her face I feel like I am raping her instead of making love to her. Due to this I now have a very obvious male response. I feel like Pavlov's dog and every time I see her expression my penis wilts like a dead plant. 

Many women are told by their doctors that a total hysterectomy won't change their sex life, but we have found out that most doctors just plain lie about it. It has ruined our sex life. Hormone therapy, is not doing squat. She is very worried about the health aspects of using any testosterone in her hormones (yes women need testosterone too). I am so frustrated but I will not abandon my wife or seek other remedies until we have explored every avenue. We are in our 40s so we are young. I am very depressing thinking that it could be this way the rest of my life. She is very unhappy with her scar and her body and her attitude is definitely reflective of it. I could care less about her scar and have said that if it really bothers her we should go looking for some sexy corsets, to hide the scar and make her feel sexy. But nothing is making her feel sexy. My obvious issue with her when it comes to having an erection and excitement is also another issue, but when it comes down to it if my wife were a supermodel, and laid there like a dead fish with a look of pain on her face I would have the same issue. 

So here I sit, at home, depressed, and masturbating to porn. So, I think I deserve somewhat of a pass. Porn is not the issue, it is all about attitude. If your attitude is right, sex comes naturally. Most of us men would love to have a woman with a positive attitude about sex, who are open to fantasies, and non judgmental. I would say most of us on these forums would prefer our spouse to porn, but some of us use it for many reasons. Maybe it is to take the edge off, maybe it is due to the fact that the variety is gone, maybe our wife just *****ed about the fact that we did not take out the trash, is in a generally horrible mood, and busts our hump for masturbating to porn. Communicate smile and initiate.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

(my response to a similar thread. It fits here too)

just because something your partner does causes YOU to have negative feelings shouldnt automatically indicate your partner needs to change anything. Sometimes it means YOU need to adjust. It is absolutely ridiculous to think you can control someones relationship with their own body. GTFOH with that. Presented with that issue, I would laugh at my husband and think he was joking.

I pet the kitty and he jerks the monkey together and separately. To porn and not to porn. If you arent getting the attention you need stop blaming porn and masturbation and look at whats really wrong with your relationship. DAMN porn and jerking off getting such a bad rap over here. Im starting to feel bad for them....the porn and jerking off that is.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

lht285 said:


> Very interesting thread. I would gladly never look at porn again if I was able to have sex instead of being led on by my wife. She
> will say she is interested in sex, but when the planned on time arrives, the well is dry and I end up frustrated and unhappy. She had a hysterectomy 2 years ago and has absolutely no desire for sex any more.
> 
> She used to read romance novels, and look at porn on her computer (I checked her history saw it, and never made a big deal about it, I actually tried to figure out what some of her fantasies might be from her books and her browsing). We watched porn together, and if she initiated sex or I initiated sex it would happen...every time. Since her hysterectomy I can count the times we have had sex on my hands. Yep, less than 10 times in 2 years. So, instead of giving up on my wife of almost 20 years, I masturbate to porn ...a lot, and to be honest it sucks.
> ...


you definetely get a pass on the porn!!!!!!! I feel bad for you and your wife. I am in my 40's as well and now desire to have more sex with my husband. My recent fear is not being able to in future because of age and health issues. Life os too short. I fear women issue as well in my family history, so I want to live every moment to fullest.but ecently discovered husband viewing porn. Soooo out of character. When I let him know that I discovered it he was sensitive to why I was upset. But I then see on ocassion him continuing this. This is upseting because I told him that I am very into making our sex life the best it could be. I even mentioned to him that I feel life is short and I am scared for the time we will not be able to ejoy sex together. You definetely get a pass and I think your wife should see other doctors!!!! Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

it all boils down to a CHOICE. because it is a choice. My husband told me i can not have any MALE friends while we were dating, almost all of my friends at the time were men.. They were not x boyfriends or anything. i made the choice years ago to cut them all lose and no longer be friends with any of them, out of respect for my husbands feeling.. He had issues with it due to his x cheating on him with her male friends and his friends also..

Yes i have issues with porn, but he does not respect how i feel about it. This has been going on for years... It is not like i just found it once or twice. The last couple of times i have found it really struck a NERVE. No sex for months on END.. I will not live like this the rest of my life! Being neglected because he is getting his needs met else where... IT is totally selfish.... He knows i love sex anytime and anywhere, but yet he chooses that!

I mean you have pron addiction, in my opinion porn is not a minor thing.. IT can be HIGHLY addictive. It can possibly lead to other things, like online dating sites for sex, webcam sites. It is like smoking pot sometimes it just doesn't do it any more, so you try other things just to get the high.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Well it is Saturday night and hoping that my husband initiates something in the bedroom tonight. No work today so no reason to say he is tired. still think he is viewing porn so if he doesnt initiate tonight i will know that he is getting his sexual release in the early morning when he views porn when i am still sleeping. Like 5am. Not sure but i think so. I will not initiate because I want to see if he has the urge or desire to be with me as i want to be with him. Its been six days because it was that time of the month for me. ( a little too much info i know). Anyway i do believe if he doesnt initiate is because it is so much easier for him to get sexual release from the computer. Damn wish computers never existed.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The more I read this thread I more I'm thinking of playing a prank on the missus tomorrow morning. While she cooks me breakie I start choking the chicken, holding off until she walks in so she catches me and goes... O.O!

:rofl:
She'll probably try to start a fight but I think I'll be laughing too hard for her to take it seriously


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## Dax (Jun 11, 2011)

At first my wife hated it but now she lets me do it without caring. We have sex a few times a week but she understands that I'd like it more, but she doesn't want that. So I wack off to internet porn sometimes in the next room and she doesn't care.

To me it's awesome. I know many wives and gfs are totally against this as my ex gfs were, but my wife doesn't care. In a way, I think internet porn is therapeutic. I won't cheat on her because I get the satisfaction of "fantasizing" of being with other women without actually doing it. Every guy has this in him. An appropriate release could be found in internet porn. Of course it shouldn't go beyond that.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lht285 said:


> Very interesting thread. I would gladly never look at porn again if I was able to have sex instead of being led on by my wife. She will say she is interested in sex, but when the planned on time arrives, the well is dry and I end up frustrated and unhappy. She had a hysterectomy 2 years ago and has absolutely no desire for sex any more.
> 
> She used to read romance novels, and look at porn on her computer (I checked her history saw it, and never made a big deal about it, I actually tried to figure out what some of her fantasies might be from her books and her browsing). We watched porn together, and if she initiated sex or I initiated sex it would happen...every time. Since her hysterectomy I can count the times we have had sex on my hands. Yep, less than 10 times in 2 years. So, instead of giving up on my wife of almost 20 years, I masturbate to porn ...a lot, and to be honest it sucks.
> 
> ...


You need to encourage your wife to get back to the doctor. She needs to be evaluated for the pain issues and look at what mix of hormones she is receiving.

If her doctor isn't responsive to the issue, then go to another one, and keep going until she gets to one that can help. You may also want to start doing some research in to bio-identical hormones.

Best wishes.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Welcome to your life, it isn't that bad is it?

You stated you wouldn't leave him over it which is fine, so I assume your title was just that, "You will never be ok with porn." I guess you were just venting about it. Which is fine too. 

I'm just saying since you are not willing to leave him, then more than likely this is how it will be unless he wakes up from the porn fog and wants to be in a loving meaningful committed relationship with you instead of with a computer screen. 

I hope for your sake he wakes up one day and realizes its one thing to look at porn sometimes but quite another to CHOOSE it over another human body. Its sad that a choice of a computer screen has come between so many marriages.

Bottom line this isn't about just plain porn viewing and choking the chicken at times, its about choosing a object over another being with another human being most all the time. I think people are failing to see this.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

gmabcd said:


> Anyway i do believe if he doesnt initiate is because it is so much easier for him to get sexual release from the computer.


You are still missing what so many are telling you.

I'm astounded to see you equating your husband's sexual relations with you (or lack thereof) as merely a "sexual release". 

Do you really view your man having sex with you that cheaply? :scratchhead:

If your husband is not initiating sex with you, there are bigger issues at hand. Emotional issues, resentment issues, relationship issues.

Merely trying to control his masturbation is missing the boat. Big time.

You say in the past you put the kids first, didn't make sex a priority, etc. 

This, to a man, sows the seeds of resentment. 

My opinion, deal with this first, if there are resentment issues preventing the two of you from connecting like you should.

The porn and masturbation, red herrings, at least to this point.



> Damn wish computers never existed.


Pornography has been around much longer than computers.

And I want to say at this time, I am not for or against pornography, however I do not choose to indulge in it myself.

BUt I do masturbate, usually multiple times a day, and still my wife and myself engage physically with each other sexually most everyday, barring illness of course. 

Sex with my wife is not even in the same category as a mere sexual release from masturbation, so that is what I am wanting to communicate and understand from you, that much bigger issues may be at hand.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

"Will never be ok with husband viewing porn."

If you are truly not ok with it, then you will need to do whatever it takes to get to the real root of the issue. Don't just say you're not ok with it, and sit back in hopes he will come to you and want to be sexual. He keeps doing what he is doing because he has no consequences. this is not about a man masturbating to porn sometimes for a release, this is about a man choosing this over wanting to be with you sexually. A willing and ready person. 

If you're not going to leave, then he needs to know the seriousness of how this has impacted the marriage. You need to do whatever it takes to help get this through to him. If nothing you do or try is not working, then you will either make the choice to leave (might wake him up or might not) or you will live your life like this.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

gmabcd said:


> Well it is Saturday night and hoping that my husband initiates something in the bedroom tonight. No work today so no reason to say he is tired. still think he is viewing porn so if he doesnt initiate tonight i will know that he is getting his sexual release in the early morning when he views porn when i am still sleeping. Like 5am. Not sure but i think so. I will not initiate because I want to see if he has the urge or desire to be with me as i want to be with him. Its been six days because it was that time of the month for me. ( a little too much info i know). Anyway i do believe if he doesnt initiate is because it is so much easier for him to get sexual release from the computer. Damn wish computers never existed.



* if he doesnt initiate tonight i will know that he is getting his sexual release in the early morning when he views porn when i am still sleeping*

He if doesn't initiate then he must be looking at porn. There cant be ANY other reason for him not to initiate sex with you other than him looking at porn and getting off? NO other reasons at all could possibly make sense other than the TRUTH you have decided on? Stay fixed in this thinking and you are missing a lot of whats wrong in ur marriage i bet.

*Anyway i do believe if he doesnt initiate is because it is so much easier for him to get sexual release from the computer.*

This is what YOU think. Often when we assign our own meaning to others actions we are WRONG. Then we take our WRONG assuptions and act on it. Unless you can think outside of the box and consider ALL the things that may be at the root of this problem, instead of the ones YOU are stuck on, you will never get anywhere.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> You are still missing what so many are telling you.
> 
> I'm astounded to see you equating your husband's sexual relations with you (or lack thereof) as merely a "sexual release".
> 
> ...


bigbadwolf, I do not view sex with my husband as sexual relief! And I certainly don't view it as cheap. I love being with my husband it connects me more to him. We really don't have any unusual problems in marriage. We have been together 22 wonderful years. Raised two beautiful children 17 and 18. When my kids werew young I NEVER neglected my husband, kids do sometimes get in the way of your sex life and that is a fact of life, I always enjpy being with my husbamd and from what he has said to me he enjoys sex with me.
.Aybe I am overthinking everything but I really want more sex in my life and when I do discuss this with him he sort of brushes it off as if he is embarassed to habe the conversation with me. Really don't know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> bigbadwolf, I do not view sex with my husband as sexual relief! And I certainly don't view it as cheap. I love being with my husband it connects me more to him. We really don't
> L
> 
> have any unusual problems in marriage. We have been together 22 wonderful years. Raised two beautiful children 17 and 18. When my kids werew young I NEVER neglected my husband, kids do sometimes get in the way of your sex life and that is a fact of life, I always enjpy being with my husbamd and from what he has said to me he enjoys sex with me.
> ...


welllll.......I had a big discussuon with him last night. I don't know what happened but I just felt I had to come out with it. Told him I don't think he is into my new desires to have sex more often and every time I try to talk sexy or tell him how into being with him he tries to brush the conversation aside. I told him that I want to hear from him " yes I am into it to, love it" but instead he really never responded. Yes when we do have sex he does seem into it and it is always good. I told him that I think that watching porn may have something to do with it. That I think once he does this in morning time it doesn't feel the need to be with me. He sort of laughed me off and said I am overthinking everything and analyzing it too much and that he wants to be with me. I asked him how would he feel if I was too look at porn during day and then at night didn't have desire to have sex with him. Told him I know he really is just tired at night but when does he feel most sexual (morning or night). Wouldn't answer me.I really believe he thinks I am overthinking everything and nothing is wrong. When we went to bed, granted my daughter was up late and we live in a small house so we couldn't have sex earlier so he told me to wake him up, so I told him I wouldn't do that. If he was interested he should wake up. I kn ow he felt bad. We didn't ened up having sex, wasn't quite in the mood because didn't want to seem desperate. He did say to me this morning are we going to have sex tonight, so I do think he feels bad. So we will see where things go. He really is a good guy and there are nights where I am tired or feel gross at end of day so I somewhat understand but if it is because of the porn there is no excuse. - will see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> A man smells different after he has jacked off.
> So if he does this prior to being with you, it is a different sexual experience for the woman. The whole hormonal balance in your relationship, as a couple, as a sexual identity created by two people, is different. It is a breach of relationship. Also knowing that images and sounds of other women have been in your house, your home, your husband's mind, sought out with a specific purpose in mind, hunted down electronically and brought to fulfilment without you, maybe just feet from you...is definitely a breach to emotional security in your own home.
> 
> Definitely different than say a guy satisfying himself in the shower or in private using imagination only - of you or whatever legitimate memories or non-disruptive fantasies he has of his own sex life (i.e. by non-disruptive I mean not fantasizing about an ex girlfriend he emails and phones in private and lies to you about it, or a chick at the coffee shop, etc.)
> ...


Echo! Awesome post. 

When the "ordinary" porn no longer satisfies the user (and abuser), it usually moves up a level to more bizzare images, online chats and often all this is happening right in the home. 

If a LS can't get over the mind moves of an EA and PA just think what kind of live movies the LS sees when they accidentally discover the porn sites visited. 

The solo porn becomes crowded and then one day, boom the LS ends up dealing with the fallout of an EA and PA. This can be either with online strangers, "just friends"! or the X from yesteryear.

Porn is cheating. The cheater displays both user and abuser characteristics.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mike1 said:


> If you are 100% willing and available when your husband wants to be sexual then I think you have every right to be upset. Porn should never be selected over a willing partner IMO.
> 
> However, only you know how genuine that is... if he wakes up in the morning and rolls over and wants to have sex do you take care of that or tell him that you don't want it, maybe later?? I've found there is a tendency of women to exaggerate how available they really are. They think saying they'll have sex later or the next day is the same as being 100% available and it's not. And saying you'll take care of it by giving a crappy hand job isn't exactly being available either. I think most guys want a partner who wants to have sex or at least doesn't give off the impression that she's giving a BJ or hand job or having sex begrudgingly. Ya know the "okay I'll do it but hurry up already"... "are you going to cum soon?" honestly, given the choice between that and masturbating often times a guy may rather take care of it himself.
> 
> If a woman isn't 100% sexually available (or close to 100%) then I don't think she has a right to be upset about him using porn and taking matters into his own hands. If he's choosing the porn when his wife is willing and happy to take care of him sexually then that's a problem.



As a woman, this is what I agree with. :iagree:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

*I mean you have pron addiction, in my opinion porn is not a minor thing.. IT can be HIGHLY addictive. It can possibly lead to other things, like online dating sites for sex, webcam sites. It is like smoking pot sometimes it just doesn't do it any more, so you try other things just to get the high.[/QUOTE]*

This is exactly what I was trying to get accross last week, but I kept getting challenged by another poster. Really, the whole issue is quite tiring.

There is a post above from a man who actually states that masturbating to porn sucks...bravo to him for admitting that. I'm sure he'd much rather have his wife as an available and willing partner, but there are medical reasons why she finds sex unenjoyable...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think the idea of addiction has been so diluted that just about anything can be called an addiction.

I'm nostalgic for the good old days when heroin was what a person could be addicted to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

michzz said:


> I think the idea of addiction has been so diluted that just about anything can be called an addiction.
> 
> I'm nostalgic for the good old days when heroin was what a person could be addicted to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you'll find that heroin still is addictive!


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> This is exactly what I was trying to get accross last week, but I kept getting challenged by another poster. Really, the whole issue is quite tiring.
> 
> There is a post above from a man who actually states that masturbating to porn sucks...bravo to him for admitting that. I'm sure he'd much rather have his wife as an available and willing partner, but there are medical reasons why she finds sex unenjoyable...


I don't recall saying that it's impossible for one to display behavior akin to an addict regarding porn (or anything else). In fact, I seem to recall saying something along the lines of...wait...here it is, verbatim:

Essentially agreed. That said, as long as it's not detracting from the actual relationship...it's not gone to _instead of_ sex, I'm not sure why either party would have much, if any, problem win it beyond, "It's just not my cup o' tea."​
I'm not entirely sure I'd say that porn is addictive, however. Images on a screen or page don't directly affect one's chemical makeup the way, say, drugs and alcohol do. However, how one responds to porn - or gambling, or exercise, or shopping, or...most any activity, really - can certainly affect the pleasure centers of the brain, leading to the behavior becoming compulsive, so "addiction" is probably as good a word as any.

As I said before, if one spouse is turning to porn instead of sex with one's partner, that's a problem. Agree with that wholeheartedly. But porn's not the _cause_...it's a _symptom_. There's something else there...or not there, as the case may be...that has one partner not turning to their spouse.

Disliking porn is understandable. Not everyone's tastes are the same. Get ready for another illustration: I don't like country music. But I don't blame this genre of music - known for an abundance of lyrics about infidelity, hard drinkin', and fighting - for occurrences of cheating, alcoholism or violence.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

People addicted to opiates can literally die from trying to detox cold turkey. I've never heard of the equiv from stopping porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jacking off to porn can be addictive. An orgasm affects brain chemistry, and wanting that 'high' can be addicting. People can also be sex addicts, of which porn can be a part. And porn for SURE can lead to worse on-line behaviours. It sure did for my husband, who is in fact a sex addict. 

But just like drinking doesn't always lead to alcoholism, looking at porn doesn't always lead to addiction. It also doesn't always lead to cheating. For SOME people it does and for some it doesn't. But talking about a porn addiction is a whole separate issue from talking about a guy who just likes to look at porn.

What it boils down to is that, if you are not ok with your husband viewing porn, then you have to examine both your reasons for not liking it and his for doing it. Honestly. What you learn may surprise you.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

On the money, Hope.

Personally, I might distinguish between porn itself being the addictive element or part of the compulsive behavior that feeds the addiction, but in the broader strokes, that's exactly what I was trying to say. You said it much better, though.
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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Jacking off to porn can be addictive. An orgasm affects brain chemistry, and wanting that 'high' can be addicting. People can also be sex addicts, of which porn can be a part. And porn for SURE can lead to worse on-line behaviours. It sure did for my husband, who is in fact a sex addict.
> 
> But just like drinking doesn't always lead to alcoholism, looking at porn doesn't always lead to addiction. It also doesn't always lead to cheating. For SOME people it does and for some it doesn't. But talking about a porn addiction is a whole separate issue from talking about a guy who just likes to look at porn.
> 
> What it boils down to is that, if you are not ok with your husband viewing porn, then you have to examine both your reasons for not liking it and his for doing it. Honestly. What you learn may surprise you.


:iagree:

I have a feeling the people we're hearing from who are so pro-porn fall into the casual user category. Having a quick wank is one thing, but spending hours upon hours viewing porn is quite another.

I'm not OK with it because of what you stated above, Hope, the possibility for worse on-line behavoiur AND because I wasn't getting enough activity myself.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I have a feeling the people we're hearing from who are so pro-porn fall into the casual user category. Having a quick wank is one thing, but spending hours upon hours viewing porn is quite another.


Personally, I've been both. Even the occasional (best way to put it is metaphorically) "binge eater." Even in those cases, though, it's a matter of keeping life in perspective, and not providing porn - or any other activity/passtime one enjoys - the power to take precedence over one's relationship. Early in our time together, my now-wife and I were invited to a party some friends of mine were throwing. I didn't really want to go, but she did. The day before, I'd gotten a new game for the computer, got sucked into it, lost all track of time...and ended up in the proverbial doghouse. I allowed the game to have that power over me...the game didn't do it, I did, even if unconsciously.



> I'm not OK with it because of what you stated above, Hope, the possibility for worse on-line behavoiur AND because I wasn't getting enough activity myself.


That's somewhat understandable, particularly the latter part. The first part, however, while I can understand the emotional response it signifies, gives me pause when I examine it from a logical standpoint. Why? Because if we demand others avoid something that holds no inherent danger itself simply because of potential misuse, we create a slippery slope and go right back to my earlier (admittedly extreme for illustration's sake) example that, an equally logical "forbidden" activity would be talking to others because of (if I may borrow your wording) the possibility for worse behavior. Yes, I know it's still an extreme example, but I'm using it to illustrate a point. The person partaking in the activity needs to know themselves well enough to know when to pull the proverbial plug. Not everyone does. They end up creating a cycle of behavior for themselves. What starts off as a diversion becomes a routine becomes a compulsion. And, when the "addiction" (for want of a better term) is to a behavior, that speaks more to a fundamental issue within the "addict" than in the "drug."

In that respect, you may have valid reasons for your stance...your initial expression of it, however, came across much more as a case of, "I don't like it, just because...so you'd better steer clear or pound the pavement!" particularly with the self-descriptors of "mean," "nagging" and "demanding."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

There is a difference between looking at woman in a magazine, getting excited and online porn where it becomes interactive for the user and abuser. 

Ever seen the sexy woman in the magazine put her hand out for money from the user and then text, chat, go interactive, phone husband at home to meet up?

Does the sexy woman in the magazine leave a LS dealing with a raft of humiliating STD tests and threatening a whole familiy's stability?

Some men keep their porn usage on the net secret from their spouses and how many have been at it for years, long before marriage? 

When wife discovers it, the event can be devastating. Mind moves aren't just in the mind but also all pervading and this happens in the marital home! WTF.

A man living on a diet of porn whilst at the same time enjoying his wife (when he has the energy) is another form of cake eating.

Woman should be very careful not to minimise porn because it can easily and quickly lead to something else.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Do men even still BUY the magazines? Seems kinda pointless now that everything is free and readily available on the net...just wondering.

My husband wouuld have been too embarassed to actually go buy anything, movies, magazines, etc. He's never even been in a sex shop - but the internet was always right there, very discreet, private, and no chance of bumping into the kid's teacher at the video store or depanneur with the goods in hand...NO, not those goods!!! LOL.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

We indulge in magazines together now because, for him, it's much 'safer'. No chat links etc. That's the reality when you're a sex addict. 

I think many men keep their porn usage secret, and many women are hurt by it, because we've all been brought up to think of looking at porn as a 'dirty secret'. Just like many other aspects of our sexuality. Like Candiegirls husband not wanting to get 'caught' in a sex toy store. If a couple has honestly examined their relationship and their own reasons for feeling the way they do about porn, there's nothing wrong with agreeing it has no place in their relationship. I think the problem is that many couples never ever do examine it honestly. And many of us still think of sex as something inherently 'dirty'. Going in to a sex toy store, or asking for the Penthouse letters at the Macs, and not being embarrassed isn't something everyone can do.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Do men even still BUY the magazines? Seems kinda pointless now that everything is free and readily available on the net...just wondering.
> 
> My husband wouuld have been too embarassed to actually go buy anything, movies, magazines, etc. He's never even been in a sex shop - but the internet was always right there, very discreet, private, and no chance of bumping into the kid's teacher at the video store or depanneur with the goods in hand...NO, not those goods!!! LOL.


That's the point! The internet has made it soooooooo easy that men who'd never go to the store to buy such stuff, or trawl the Streets curb crawling looking for a woman, only need a mouse click and boom, the LS is left dealing with a train wreck. 

The net has made prostitution viral where it now surfaces in the home and easily available to anyone. 

The net and mobile telephony "personal services" is the new porn shop open 24/7 with an audit trail that leaves its user wide open to prostitution rings, loose people happy to send strangers naked pics and videos, either for money or no money/and ripe for blackmail of the individuals concerned.

At least the dirty magazine in the shop seemed safer if one was silly enough to buy from the top shelf in the local store.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It's just tough, because he is embarassed, and I'm not...I want to bring him to a shop, but even he said he'd probably burst out laughing...but so what if he does? Maybe if he comes with me and we buy a few new toys together, it will take us in a new direction together, where I won't be worried about lies and secrecy, and he'll be able to open up a little more sexually. That's Friday night planned...LOL...


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Lazarus said:


> There is a difference between looking at woman in a magazine, getting excited and online porn where it becomes interactive for the user and abuser.


Correction: CAN become interactive. Not all online porn is made up of live webcams. Some consists of still pictures a la a magazine. Some takes the form of videos, no different than a DVD. And, yes indeed, some is interactive. Personally, I've never been a big fan of the interactive stuff. Even the faux-interactive stuff like the "POV" DVD's simply seems...TOO fake.



> Woman should be very careful not to minimise porn because it can easily and quickly lead to something else.


The "gateway drug" theory. I don't subscribe to it. Not as stated, anyway. Do some who view porn escalate their behavior? Without a doubt. I see that as a result of the user, however...their personality makeup and mental "circuit breakers" (or lack thereof).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Do men even still BUY the magazines? Seems kinda pointless now that everything is free and readily available on the net...just wondering.


Yep. I've had subscriptions to Playboy and Penthouse almost continually since I was about 21 (and bought both regularly for the 3 years I was legal to do so before that).

And, yes, I do frequently read the articles. ;-)



> My husband wouuld have been too embarassed to actually go buy anything, movies, magazines, etc. He's never even been in a sex shop - but the internet was always right there, very discreet, private, and no chance of bumping into the kid's teacher at the video store or depanneur with the goods in hand...NO, not those goods!!! LOL.


Believe it or not, I can empathize. When I first started buying the aforementioned magazines, I was VERY self conscious about it. And we're not even talking about a "sex store"...we're talking Waldenbooks and B Dalton Booksellers. I wouldn't buy if an attractive female was working the register, and I'd often buy a "real" book at the same time. And I'd try to time my trip to the counter when no one else was atthe register. After a while, though, I realized...who cares? I'm not doing anything wrong...nothing illegal. If the clerk or another customer disapproves of me buying it, that's their problem, not mine. I'm not forcing them to look inside it or buy it themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> It's just tough, because he is embarassed, and I'm not...I want to bring him to a shop, but even he said he'd probably burst out laughing...but so what if he does? Maybe if he comes with me and we buy a few new toys together, it will take us in a new direction together, where I won't be worried about lies and secrecy, and he'll be able to open up a little more sexually. That's Friday night planned...LOL...


Now THERE ya go!

I endorse this plan. ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Now THERE ya go!
> 
> I endorse this plan. ;-)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I still don't like porn, tho...or what it (almost) did to us...

;-)


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I can certainly understand that it's a problem when the guy isn't giving his wife the attention needed to keep her happy sexually. So I do understand that it can be a big problem.

But if things are good in the sexual department? Well, I'm not a big porn collector myself. But I certainly wouldn't be asking permission to look at a Playboy magazine or to masturbate when she isn't home. That's the approach I personally wouldn't be ok with. It starts to feel like I'm being controlled way too much at that point.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Just because a guy views porn, it doesn't mean that he loves you any less. I mean, guys are VERY visual creatures and if he's not going on webcams or chatrooms and all he's doing is viewing images on a screen.....well, we all know that there are worse things he could be doing.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> I can certainly understand that it's a problem when the guy isn't giving his wife the attention needed to keep her happy sexually. So I do understand that it can be a big problem.
> 
> But if things are good in the sexual department? Well, I'm not a big porn collector myself. But I certainly wouldn't be asking permission to look at a Playboy magazine or to masturbate when she isn't home. That's the approach I personally wouldn't be ok with. It starts to feel like I'm being controlled way too much at that point.


That is the point...things were not OK in the sexual dept..which was a definite red flag...it turns out that there are different components to our (his???) particular problem. Porn use was one - another was medication, which in turn, decreases the sex drive, coupled with a low sex drive to begin with...an admitted lack of experience with a highly sexed woman (me )...So, a lot to contend with , but at least it wasn't an affair, right?

In any case, I guess I'm just going to have to be the initiator here, because if I wait for him, I wait weeks! Which I dont get, because once he gets going...well, you know. Anyone care to offer their 2 cents on this? Must I always initiate?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> I still don't like porn, tho...or what it (almost) did to us...
> 
> ;-)


And no one said or even suggested that you have to like porn.

I would, however, maintain that porn did (or almost did) nothing to your marriage...your husband did. He was being neglectful, and that would have found an outlet, whether it was the porn, working on cars, gambling, games, or any number of things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> And no one said or even suggested that you have to like porn.
> 
> I would, however, maintain that porn did (or almost did) nothing to your marriage...your husband did. He was being neglectful, and that would have found an outlet, whether it was the porn, working on cars, gambling, games, or any number of things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He was being an a$$hole, and I don't do a$$holes anymore. He knows that now.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Well its me again and have communicated a lot to my husbAnd, told him that viewing porn will take away what we have. He said he has always been into being with me. That he always enjoys whenwe have sex just as much as I do. And I do believe there are nights where he is legimately tired or has certain things on his mind. Don't think he is lying but last night we had great sex and I he said it was great as well, but I think the following morning he looked at porn early in morninG. Wasn't I satisfying to him? Come on the nect f..ing morning. Could this be that o got him so horny that he wanted the feeling again???? Just get insulted. He denys he looks at porn but says 90 percent of guys do. I texted him today at work and asked if he waNts an encore presentation and he responed definetely! But tonight anything could happen, he could be tired. Maybe he is lookingf at porn to see things that we should do??? Is this possible? Do men do this? I know that he is into sex with me. Don't get it. Everytime I think he is looking at porn I have to make sure he has sex with me thAt night so that he doesn't loose interet in me. Is this sick?? I am jealous of the porn
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> Everytime I think he is looking at porn I have to make sure he has sex with me thAt night so that he doesn't loose interet in me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are going to be a very tired person. Not from the sex, but from feeling like you need to make sure he has sex with you if he looks at porn. 

You are very worried he will loose interest in you too. That just seems like a awful way to live a married life, or any life like that period. You are letting this rule your life, and its not healthy.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> You are going to be a very tired person. Not from the sex, but from feeling like you need to make sure he has sex with you if he looks at porn.
> 
> You are very worried he will loose interest in you too. That just seems like a awful way to live a married life, or any life like that period. You are letting this rule your life, and its not healthy.


I do agree with you but I have been obssessed with this ever since I schocking discovered he views prn. If you know my husband sooo out of character. I am mentally exhausted. Do I just let it go if I know that the sex with us is good???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am sorry if you already answered this, but are you two in marriage counseling? Because I agree that this has taken over your life and you need to stop the obsession. 

Him viewing porn does not have ANYTHING to do with you. Especially since it sounds like he IS into sex with you. He may just enjoy porn more than you want him to. He may be on his way to being addicted, or he may actually be doing more than just looking. Can you tell whether he's chatting or anything else?

Whatever it is, there's a problem. Does he agree there's a problem?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

gmabcd said:


> I do agree with you but I have been obssessed with this ever since I schocking discovered he views prn. If you know my husband sooo out of character. I am mentally exhausted. Do I just let it go if I know that the sex with us is good???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you don't feel he's choosing porn over you, are satisfied (or more) with your sex life, and don't feel he's developing any uncomfortable tastes for your sex life, I don't really see a problem. Like I said to CandieGirl, that doesn't mean you have to suddenly be a fan of porn, yourself. But if it's not harming or hindering the relationship, you should be fine. The moment his activity does start having a negative impact on the relationship is when it's time to be concerned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> ...last night we had great sex and I he said it was great as well, but I think *the following morning he looked at porn early in morninG*. Wasn't I satisfying to him? Come on the nect f..ing morning. Could this be that o got him so horny that he wanted the feeling again????...*Do men do this? *I know that he is into sex with me. Don't get it. Everytime I think he is looking at porn I have to make sure he has sex with me thAt night so that he doesn't loose interet in me. Is this sick?? I am jealous of the porn
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I find that I wake up horny the next morning...worse than usual...so yup, I've done that...a guy beating off in the morning doesn't mean that he won't "have any left" that evening...I can do *it* more than once or twice a day (at 41 :smthumbup: ) and it doesn't have to be 12hrs later...sometimes within minutes "that loving feeling" comes back...but my wifey doesn't have that kind of drive, so I've had to take care of it myself within a very short time...

And I feel sorry for the ladies that are saying that porn leads straight to infidelity (sp?)...believe me, if a guy is going to cheat he doesn't need porn...it's either an integrity thing (him) or a neglect thing (her)...cheating isn't something I could do to my wife, but leaving is...if it got bad enough (haven't found that actual point yet...still happily married, even though sex life is lacking...a lot...)...hence the viewing of porn, a lot of porn... 

Later.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

It is already having a negative impact on their relationship.

-gmabcd- This is what I did... It is not easy to do, however.. I let everything go.. I had to, i didn't have a choice. It was eating away at me everyday. 

The last time, I never demanded him stop looking at it, I left it up to him. He knows how porn makes me feel and I left it at that. I also never gave him an ultimatum about it this time around. I made sure he understood how i felt about it.

I almost walked out the door... (not just because of the porn, there were other things going on,.)If it wouldn't have been my mom having to talk to her h about me coming to stay with them,(took her a couple of days) i would have left the same day.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I am sorry if you already answered this, but are you two in marriage counseling? Because I agree that this has taken over your v
> life and you need to stop the obsession.
> 
> Him viewing porn does not have ANYTHING to do with you. Especially since it sounds like he IS into sex with you. He may just enjoy porn more than you want him to. He may be on his way to being addicted, or he may actually be doing more than just looking. Can you tell whether he's chatting or anything else?
> ...


no he is not chatting from the last time I checked he was viewing videos of women masturbating. We had such good sex last night that I asked for an encore performance and he said definetely. But anything could happen between now and later tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I am sorry if you already answered this, but are you two in marriage counseling? Because I agree that this has taken over your life and you need to stop the obsession.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


no he doesn't think there is any problem because he said he is very into sex with me when he is not tired or thinking about problems. We have a good marriage for 22 years. This is all new and he is a good husband and father and besides this a very0very honest man. Never lies can't even white lie but I think he is kying about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

gmabcd said:


> Never lies can't even white lie but I think he is kying about this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is he lying about? You already know he watches porn. And of course he doesn't see it as a problem, he is getting sex from you and getting to view porn regardless of how you feel. 

Make sure you have something you enjoy doing as well. Take up a hobby, get interested in something you like, maybe it will help take your mind off of worrying.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I've been thinking about this on and off the last few days. I realized that before all this with my H, I had no problem with porn. I would watch with previous partners...and it would be fun.

It was only when pornography appeared in my life as a threat that I began to dislike it...it was a threat because it was shrouded in lies and secrecy. How things may have been different, if only he'd been a little more adventurous and open with me instead of hiding it from me. Which I still don't understand...I'm the wild one of the two of us, that's for sure.

Anyways, just an observation.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> I've been thinking about this on and off the last few days. I realized that before all this with my H, I had no problem with porn. I would watch with previous partners...and it would be fun.
> 
> It was only when pornography appeared in my life as a threat that I began to dislike it...it was a threat because it was shrouded in lies and secrecy. How things may have been different, if only he'd been a little more adventurous and open with me instead of hiding it from me. Which I still don't understand...I'm the wild one of the two of us, that's for sure.
> 
> Anyways, just an observation.


Very interesting.

If I may submit a theory....

You've always been the more adventurous of the two of you. From your description, he sounds to be uncomfortable with (for want of a better term) overt sexuality outside "vanilla" sex. Could it be that he hid the porn because he thought, despite your more adventurous nature, you would be offended by it? Or perhaps he'd given the impression that he himself found it offensive, and thus didn't want to contradict himself? Ultimately leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Just a thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

yemlay said:


> there are two things i want you to, first begin to pray for your husband's deliverance, because masturbation is a spiritual problem that needs god's divine touch.secondly, begin to drain your husband of sexual desire,satisfy him with it every time.keep an eye on him and encourage him to have you with any style he may so desire.encourage him to tell you what he really wants and i believe with god's help he will be delivered in jesus name.


all rightee then!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Very interesting.
> 
> If I may submit a theory....
> 
> ...


Oh, I really don't know anymore...I've gone over this from every possible angle imaginable. I can't help but feel no matter what both of our reasoning is or was, the proverbial damage is done.

I'm not even alowed to bring up the topic at home, because he immediately goes on the defensive. My fault? I'm sure it is.

When I look back on the problems we've had since we've been together, (not many/not that serious) the root cause of all of them was lying, either by omission, or like the porn, covering tracks.

Definitely uncomfortable with sexuality - gleening what I can from his past, which he is also uncomfortable discussing, I came to my own conclusion that he has never been highly sexual with anyone.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Employing nothing but armchair psychology, if he's that uncomfortable with sexuality, I'd say he was embarrassed/ashamed of his newfound interest in porn. As you say, at this point, it's damage done. Whether or not you can move past your own newfound issues with porn is irrelevant at this time. Right now, it's about repairing that damage. Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> I've been thinking about this on and off the last few days. I realized that before all this with my H, I had no problem with porn. I would watch with previous partners...and it would be fun.
> 
> It was only when pornography appeared in my life as a threat that I began to dislike it...it was a threat because it was shrouded in lies and secrecy. How things may have been different, if only he'd been a little more adventurous and open with me instead of hiding it from me. Which I still don't understand...I'm the wild one of the two of us, that's for sure.
> 
> Anyways, just an observation.


You know CandieGirl. I think you may be on to something here. I do agree that i do feel porn is a threat. Only because he wasn't having sex with me.. But even before I still felt the same way about it. It is a huge toss up. I think that if you have to hide something from ones partner you shouldn't do it in the first place.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Oh, I really don't know anymore...I've gone over this from every possible angle imaginable. I can't help but feel no matter what both of our reasoning is or was, the proverbial damage is done.
> 
> I'm not even alowed to bring up the topic at home, because he immediately goes on the defensive. My fault? I'm sure it is.
> 
> ...


Yup, the damage has been done, it is not like it can be undone.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> Him viewing porn does not have ANYTHING to do with you.


It is really hard, for me, to not take it personally. And how do you know for sure that it has nothing to do with you/me? I feel that it does have everything to do with me, because he choose that OVER me. If he wants porn over me, then maybe he should open his mouth and tell me vs stringing me along to suffer.


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## bellalay27 (Oct 20, 2011)

I think every orgasm should be monitored and approved in advance by both spouses.

There should never be a sexual urge or thought not given prior ok.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

bellalay27 said:


> I think every orgasm should be monitored and approved in advance by both spouses.
> 
> There should never be a sexual urge or thought not given prior ok.


Cute.


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## bruisedbroken (Oct 20, 2011)

Let me tell you that I'm going true the same situation, and a little bit harder, cause you see my husband not only spend all of his timealone watching porn, but yesterday when I checked the history on the laptop there was this "virgins" "firsttimers" "teensex" And I really think that is sickening, can't get over it, it's to much for me to handle, I love him with all my heart, he is a very good man, kind hearted, and affectionate, we have a wonderful sex life but now I think I've been sleeping with a stranger. You think i'm overeacting?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

bruisedbroken said:


> Let me tell you that I'm going true the same situation, and a little bit harder, cause you see my husband not only spend all of his timealone watching porn, but yesterday when I checked the history on the laptop there was this "virgins" "firsttimers" "teensex" And I really think that is sickening, can't get over it, it's to much for me to handle, I love him with all my heart, he is a very good man, kind hearted, and affectionate, we have a wonderful sex life but now I think I've been sleeping with a stranger. You think i'm overeacting?


Sickening is right...in the real world, when grown men have sex with teen girls, it's called rape. It's illegal. To fantasize of such things is just disgusting...but then, they're hardly going to be looking for grannies, are they?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

bruisedbroken said:


> Let me tell you that I'm going true the same situation, and a little bit harder, cause you see my husband not only spend all of his timealone watching porn, but yesterday when I checked the history on the laptop there was this "virgins" "firsttimers" "teensex" And I really think that is sickening, can't get over it, it's to much for me to handle, I love him with all my heart, he is a very good man, kind hearted, and affectionate, we have a wonderful sex life but now I think I've been sleeping with a stranger. You think i'm overeacting?


 Maybe overreacting, maybe not. He may have been looking for the real thing, or for the subgenre of porn that those keywords (basically youngish looking but legal models...some of the "teens" have been "teens" for about a decade, and purported to be in their late teens back at the start...many "virgins" and "first timers" are presented as such time and again). Whether or not it's an overreaction would depend on what kind of kick he's getting out of it. Is he getting charged up at the thought of truly young models, or just the general "look" that is generally only found in women in their 20's? Is it the male equivalent of the middle-aged women who openly *ahem* "appreciate" the shirtless male stars of the Twilight movies, or does it appear to be more sinister?

If the former, then it's as big or small a problem as the impact it has on your relationship. If the latter...even I would keep an eye on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Sickening is right...in the real world, when grown men have sex with teen girls, it's called rape. It's illegal. To fantasize of such things is just disgusting...


As noted above, the so-called "teen" models tend to be in their 20's. At least on sites that provide professionally produced porn. The one's that are indeed "teens" are 18 and 19...legal, but technically "teens." Of course, that doesn't prevent scumbags from posting truly underage stuff. Can't stand those guys. But, any site that provides its own content doesn't want their own Traci Lords.



> but then, they're hardly going to be looking for grannies, are they?


Granny porn's out there. Not my cup o' tea. But it's there. Name a kink or a fetish, and there's probably porn to meet it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Grayson said:


> As noted above, the so-called "teen" models tend to be in their 20's. At least on sites that provide professionally produced porn. The one's that are indeed "teens" are 18 and 19...legal, but technically "teens." Of course, that doesn't prevent scumbags from posting truly underage stuff. Can't stand those guys. But, any site that provides its own content doesn't want their own Traci Lords.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm not really caring that the 'models' are 18+, the fact that they're marketed (SOLD) as young GIRLS proves that there is indeed a market for this type of sh!t. And sorry, but as a childhood sexual abuse survivor, it sickens me to the core. But then, that's another story! 

As for Granny porn, yes, I've seen it - and it's disgusting too. Ripples and Wrinkles I think it was called. Ew....but to each his (or her) own.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I can certainly respect your POV (and its source) on the "teen" identification. At the same time, I think that, if one is cognizant of the fact that it's just a role being played, it's almost a non-issue. In or out of porn. For instance, the fact that Heather Morris plays a high school student on Glee doesn't make me forget that, in addition to being gorgeous and a great dancer, is 24. Or that Charisma Carpenter was 29 when she started playing Cordelia Chase on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I don't begrudge anyone a fantasy as long as they keep firmly in mind that it's just that. When they go looking for the real thing and it's out of bounds, I'm right there with ya.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ladybird said:


> It is really hard, for me, to not take it personally. And how do you know for sure that it has nothing to do with you/me? I feel that it does have everything to do with me, because he choose that OVER me. If he wants porn over me, then maybe he should open his mouth and tell me vs stringing me along to suffer.


I know how hard it is not to take it personally. Believe me, I do. But it isn't that he wants porn over you, it's that he wants porn. Period. Whether he was single, married, or anything in between he would still want to look at porn. It isn't instead of you or because of you or anything else. It just is.

The fact he isn't willing to stop when it's a problem is what you should take personally, and that would be true whether it was porn, smoking, drinking, or whatever.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If my husband was into teen girls I'd be sickened. We have a teen daughter. 

Grayson, would it not be alarming for someone to fantasize about sex with young children? Where is your line drawn?


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

bruisedbroken said:


> Let me tell you that I'm going true the same situation, and a little bit harder, cause you see my husband not only spend all of his timealone watching porn, but yesterday when I checked the history on the laptop there was this "virgins" "firsttimers" "teensex" And I really think that is sickening, can't get over it, it's to much for me to handle, I love him with all my heart, he is a very good man, kind hearted, and affectionate, we have a wonderful sex life but now I think I've been sleeping with a stranger. You think i'm overeacting?


I know exactly how you are feeling. I just recently discovered my husband views porn for the first time in our 22 years of marriage! Think he is only viewing it couple of few times a week in early morning. Noticed that he is viewing women masterbating and having orgasms. It was a schock because my husband is a lovong husnand and father and sooo honest. Can't even white lie! But I know the feeling of feeling like you are with a total stranger. We always has a decent sex life sometimes sporadic. Now after I know he views porn for some reason our sex life is sooo good. Probably I felt I had to up the game. But about last year he dtarting to initiate new things for first time that at first I went oooh but now I am like alright bring it on. His actions in some way showed me that he is much more sexual than I thought. And our sex life has been great. Slowly initiate
new things. But I do not like to know that he views porn morning after we just had great sex. Feel insulted by this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> If my husband was into teen girls I'd be sickened. We have a teen daughter.
> 
> Grayson, would it not be alarming for someone to fantasize about sex with young children? Where is your line drawn?


Hopefully it is drawn here...as for all the Twilite and Buffy actress / actor references...sorry it's all lost on me. I watch Hockey and Coronation Street and that's about it...


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> If my husband was into teen girls I'd be sickened. We have a teen daughter.
> 
> Grayson, would it not be alarming for someone to fantasize about sex with young children? Where is your line drawn?


In most cases, I don't think it's a matter of "fantasizing about sex with young children." See my Heather Morris and Charisma Carpenter examples above. Or, for an example on the flip side, a former co-worker of my wife's is in her mid to late 40's, and you should hear her go on and on about the guy that plays the werewolf in the Twilight movies. I think it's more a matter of liking the faux-teen look as presented by entertainment, be it porn or mainstream, where you commonly have people playing younger.

So, in that respect, I probably chose my words poorly in saying that I don't begrudge anyone a fantasy. I was intending to communicate that said fantasy, in the case of a "teen" fantasy, is one that the person fantasizing is mentally "casting" an adult in a role and/or "casting" themselves in a similar role. ("I'm the captain of the football team...she's the head cheerleader." that kinda thing.) I'm referring to full-blown, 100% nothin'-real-or-realistic-about-it fantasy. I guess I'm just automatically assuming that internal "filter" is being inferred when I say that. And I'm still not sure I've explained it as well as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pittsgirl78 (Nov 13, 2011)

Well said Homemaker Numero Uno.


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## zpac (Nov 9, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> and in fact have the desire to have sex often.


What's often for a woman is not really often for a man.

Men have 10 times as much testosterone as women. So however strong your sex drive is, imagine that your hubbys is 10x stronger.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

*sigh* My husband has a lower sex drive than me, zpac. Does that make me the male in the relationship?


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

zpac said:


> What's often for a woman is not really often for a man.
> 
> Men have 10 times as much testosterone as women. So however strong your sex drive is, imagine that your hubbys is 10x stronger.


trust me when I say that I want it more frequent then him. He would be happy with maybe once a week. I definetely want more than this but he is ALWAYS too tired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

michzz said:


> I think every orgasm should be monitored and approved in advance by both spouses.


I hope you're being sarcastic!

When I travel for work, I hope my wife feels free to 'relax' herself at bedtime without my permission.


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