# How do you handle these situations as the BS?



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

If you're not familiar with my story, I caught my wife having an EA earlier this month with a co-worker over a 9 month period (yeah, I know...it could be PA). My moral pendulum keeps swinging from one end to the other and I hate it. 

As an example of my swings: I signed up for a gym membership. I went a few days, was doing great, and then last night I met up with an old friend; had too much to drink and smoked weed (something I haven't done since I was a teen). THEN, I get s*** from the WS because she's so against weed...like, maybe you should get off your moral high-horse? I don't know, it feels like this is just going to be a vicious cycle. I get angry when she's angry, like she has no right to, but I know I've done wrong. I told her I'd be a few hours; I spent the entire night at my buddy's place. Plus it was our first day of MC, so I didn't do a good job.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you only found out less than a month ago, your wife should be on her knees begging for forgiveness and willing to chop off her left tit if you tell her to. Not acting that way.

That said, eventually the two of you have to come together. 

IC helped me tremendously in the early months.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Exercise is great but I tried to self medicate. Not Good! Workout, eat as normal as you can and sleep. Then start seeing an IC. To really get through this crap you need help!

Anger, mind movies, ups and downs are part of the cycle.


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> If you only found out less than a month ago, your wife should be on her knees begging for forgiveness and willing to chop off her left tit if you tell her to. Not acting that way.
> 
> That said, eventually the two of you have to come together.
> 
> IC helped me tremendously in the early months.


Yeah, that's part of this stupid cycle. I feel like she doesn't have the right to get mad.

What's "IC"?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Not that I am pro-weed, but socializing with friends is a good thing. 

If you want to truly R and work out your issues, you cannot throw her affair back in her face every time she is unhappy with your behavior. An she has a lot to be unhappy with, if I remember your other threads correctly.

Also, it's much more valuable to the TAM community if you keep your story on one thread. This is what 3? 4?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Not that I am pro-weed, but socializing with friends is a good thing.
> 
> If you want to truly R and work out your issues, you cannot throw her affair back in her face every time she is unhappy with your behavior. An she has a lot to be unhappy with, if I remember your other threads correctly.
> 
> ...


Sorry about that.

You're right - I can't throw it back in her face all the time.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

All good... Timing of your bender probably wasn't the greatest, with MC the next day.

Has she shown any remorse yet? Cut off all contact?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife has wrong thought patterns. 

WRONG: "My husband smoked weed! How dare he?"
RIGHT: "Oh, god! My husband smoked weed...and it was my fault."

She needs to own her s..t. Real quick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

IC = Individual Counseling


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

mahike said:


> IC = Individual Counseling


Thanks.


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Your wife has wrong thought patterns.
> 
> WRONG: "My husband smoked weed! How dare he?"
> RIGHT: "Oh, god! My husband smoked weed...and it was my fault."
> ...


That's how I feel. I wouldn't be doing these things if not for her affair.


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## IPoH (Jul 31, 2012)

To play devils advocate here, isn't that blame shifting? Saying someone else is responsible for your choices and actions?
Say a BS becomes an alcoholic after Dday, is it fair to stand up at your AA meeting and say "Hi my name is so-n-so and I'm an alcoholic but my spouse cheated and made me do it"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

IPoH said:


> To play devils advocate here, isn't that blame shifting? Saying someone else is responsible for your choices and actions?
> Say a BS becomes an alcoholic after Dday, is it fair to stand up at your AA meeting and say "Hi my name is so-n-so and I'm an alcoholic but my spouse cheated and made me do it"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great point. I have to pick myself off the floor. I can't have a pity party forever.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, you DO need to own your own crap. But she does too, even more so, and she isn't.

I don't see how MC is going to help you guys, with the attitude she has right now.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> . . . it feels like this is just going to be a vicious cycle.


That it will be. In time you will regain some balance. And perspective. It's not a good thing if your spouse who had an affair is giving you a hard time about the fall out.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

yes. and keep reminding yourself. do you want WS to see you as a weed smoking drunk wallowing in the pain she has caused? or do you want to be viewed as an alpha stud who is healthy, working out, has his **** together and cheating on you was the worse mistake she made in her life. be strong brother...i think you have more storm ahead of you and booze and weed wont help you through it


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Your best course of action is to move forward. All this time, you devoted your time and energy on her. And what happens? She goes and has an A. Isn't it time you look after yourself? What she does now isn't your concern anymore. A marriage is over when a spouse steps out the wedding vows. The BS usually mentally checks out. D is only the course of action that needs to be taken to appease the law of the land. 

You have an option of either staying with or leaving your WS. But you have to live with yourself whether you like or not. So make the most of it. I'm learning it now.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's still salvageable, IMHO! But you need MC with her, at which time you need to ask her some very pointed questions about her EA/PA. If for some reason she's the least bit evasive, then it's pretty much time to "go 180" on her, and start investigating both her cell phone and PC activities, and then exploring your legal rights with a good family attorney!*


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Your wife has wrong thought patterns.
> 
> WRONG: "My husband smoked weed! How dare he?"
> RIGHT: "Oh, god! My husband smoked weed...and it was my fault."
> ...


MM, I don't think owning one's own sh!t involves owning someone else's sh!t and being responsible for them. That's not healthy. Just as the WS needs to be held responsible for their behavior, so does the BS. The BS can't just blame everything they do on the WS. His WS did not make him smoke weed, and she still has a right to her own feelings, opinions, and boundaries, A or no A.


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

happi_g_more2 said:


> yes. and keep reminding yourself. do you want WS to see you as a weed smoking drunk wallowing in the pain she has caused?  or do you want to be viewed as an alpha stud who is healthy, working out, has his **** together and cheating on you was the worse mistake she made in her life. be strong brother...i think you have more storm ahead of you and booze and weed wont help you through it


Thank you


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I think feeling like the WS isn't entitled to be upset at you for bad behaviour is normal. However, it's not justified. 

You have to separate what is an affair issue or just a marital one. This wasn't about her affair. This was a separate issue about you going out and getting high.

While it's true that you are acting out self-destructively because you're hurting from her affair; it's also true that YOU have the choice of how to deal with it. 

Going out all night and smoking pot was your decision. You had other choices of how to handle your pain and you chose to do something that you knew would hurt your wife. Then when she expressed concern, you got mad at her and threw the affair in her face. That's not productive.

Her affair, of course worse than going out one night and smoking some pot is still not up for debate or to be used as a defence for your bad behaviour. You both have to own your sh.t. 

It's alright and normal for you to get angry, get sad, feel rage about her affair. It's not okay for you to use it as a get-out-of-jail-free card so you can do things to hurt the marriage that you're both trying to save. It also doesn't give you free licence to badger or abuse your spouse (not saying you do that but speaking in generalities here).


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> I think feeling like the WS isn't entitled to be upset at you for bad behaviour is normal. However, it's not justified.
> 
> You have to separate what is an affair issue or just a marital one. This wasn't about her affair. This was a separate issue about you going out and getting high.
> 
> ...


That makes great sense. Thank you for your feedback.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

soulpotato said:


> MM, I don't think owning one's own sh!t involves owning someone else's sh!t and being responsible for them. That's not healthy. Just as the WS needs to be held responsible for their behavior, so does the BS. The BS can't just blame everything they do on the WS. His WS did not make him smoke weed, and she still has a right to her own feelings, opinions, and boundaries, A or no A.


He was still in a state of shock. When people are in a state of shock they are liable to do some weird, self-destructive stuff. 

She needs to understand that her actions have consequences.

She cheats on her husband. And her husband got drunk and smoked weed.

*What did she expect?* That he'd just roll his eyes and say: "Oh, honey! You could have brought me an STD, or even HIV. But, oh well, at least you didn't dent the car!"


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Instead of feeling too much remorse and telling you a hundreds of time that she's feels so bad about having an affair it is much more important that she works out what made her have this affair and this is best done with counseling. Because done on you own you will not touch the hurtful and scary parts of yourself.
And while it is not fair having an affair, the point is that you might have contributed to that? I don't know your story, but you might be not affective, controlling, unstable, lazy, shouting, being disrespectful ....(I don't tell you that you are any of that.)
I would not spend time and energy knowing every detail of the affair, weather it was physical or not this only brings suffering and what would it help to read all their emails?
Of each action you do, think first is it helpful or is it solely to vent your anger, searching revenge, or telling her in what bad state she brought you (drunk weed addict).
If you want to go on with her, I think what is needed is HER real commitment to work on the relationship, not words but something she does for both of you.
And you might have to invest in the relationship as well.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Miss Taken said:


> I think feeling like the WS isn't entitled to be upset at you for bad behaviour is normal. However, it's not justified.
> 
> You have to separate what is an affair issue or just a marital one. This wasn't about her affair. This was a separate issue about you going out and getting high.
> 
> ...




Oh words so well thought out on paper, but boy, during time of conflict, sure is the last thing that goes through the mind, of very hurt bs's. This is what makes R so hard for a lot of people. So many arguments, bad feeling, hurt feeling, eventually end up on the bs laps and always fall back to the affair. 

Reality is, it's not always blaming that the bs does, or points out, but, because of the actions of the ww, some things in the couples lives really have change because of the behavior. Some children have suffered because of the parents actions, and the blame squarely falls on the ww shoulders, some time for a few years following the affair, and when that frustration surfaces, especially when it is affecting the child, one can't help but to bring it up, & blame the ww during a time of conflict! 



~sammy


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> He was still in a state of shock. When people are in a state of shock they are liable to do some weird, self-destructive stuff.
> 
> She needs to understand that her actions have consequences.
> 
> ...


Sadly, the roller-coster has just begun... 

~sammy


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Gotta say something here. . . it's all sounding a bit preachy and textbook for me. . . "owning it". . .

So OP is less than a month out from D-day, meets a friend he can release some of his pain with, lets off some steam and smokes some weed, *something he hasn't done since a teenager???*

The discussion on here about him having to suddenly own it and not blame WS for his behaviour is laughable. Sure, it's true, 'in theory'.

But hell it's not as if he went out and had a ONS. And it's as if he is going out night after night getting drunk and smoking weed.

And WS got angry???

Instead she might have been empathic and given him a hug while saying, "Darling, I'm so sorry what I have done has caused you to flip out and I sure understand. However, I'm going to do everything in my power to fix this so just let me know what it is I can do now to ease the pain.' That would have been an appropriate response IMO.

*Main thing to focus on now OP is what can your WS do to help you which is also what WS should be focusing on. 
*

Also, I don't know the rest of your history other posters referred to so I'm just addressing what I read on this current thread.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I don't know. After what she did to complain that you smoked some weed, I would have looked her in the eye and said, "sure beats cheating" and left it at that. Maybe she would remember that people that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> That's how I feel. I wouldn't be doing these things if not for her affair.


That my friend while it may be true is also a bunch of crap!

Get sunshine on your face. Get exercise.

Her decision to cheat was hers and she needs to own it. Your decision to get wasted was yours and you need to own that. While what you said may be true, you cannot blame her for your getting high. You chose to do that. You are letting her actions bring you down and you will lose your moral compass. Don't fall into that.

Go socialize. Stay away from drinking and smoking weed until you are mentally stable from the effects.

She needs to be contrite, but you are giving her an out she doesn't need. She will equate your bad behavior with hers and she will say, see we both acted badly. 

You did wrong so own it. If I were you I would just drop the whole matter with you smoking weed entirely because she will use it to make herself seem less guilty. You will try the 'you made me do it' line but that doesn't fly. You chose to do it.

I would tell her 'I made a bad choice. I did it because how bad I felt about your infidelity, but I made a bad choice. You made a very very bad choice and you need to own it.'


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

6301 said:


> I don't know. After what she did to complain that you smoked some weed, I would have looked her in the eye and said, "sure beats cheating" and left it at that. Maybe she would remember that people that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.


I think that goes for OP. It's hard to take her to task and reconcile when you are losing your moral high ground in this. Do not give it to her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop letting your old ladies own bull sh!t define your choices. Show her your better then this and the pain she caused will not control you actions from here on out.

Blowing off some steam with your friend is fine, telling her one thing and doing another was your mistake.

IMHO you need to own that, but hanging with your pot smoking buddy was fine... Next time tell your chick straight up that you will be gone all night.

Not that this kind of thinking will help the marriage, but it might be time to take care of your own needs just be up front and stop telling her she wants to hear. Again if you need time for your self and it takes all night then tell her you will be out all night!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> He was still in a state of shock. When people are in a state of shock they are liable to do some weird, self-destructive stuff.
> 
> She needs to understand that her actions have consequences.
> 
> ...




MattMatt, you know I think the world of you, but let's try this one on for size:


I was in a state of prolonged hopelessness and despair. For years I was neglected, rejected, and humiliated by my husband. When people are neglected, rejected, and humiliated by their spouses they are liable to do some weird self-destructive stuff.

He needs to understand that his actions have consequences.

For many years, despite my efforts to repair our marriage, my husband emotionally, and physically, neglected me, rejected me, and sexually humiliated me. I responded by having an affair.

_*What did he expect?*_ That I'd just roll my eyes and say, "Oh Honey, it's okay for you to ignore me, not speak to me for months at a time, regularly refuse me sexual intimacy for months, even for an entire year, at one point, tell me not to speak to you unless I had something good to talk about (when you knew damn well there was nothing good to talk about,) leave me solely responsible for raising our four (then) teenaged sons (with the exception of financial support,) come home from work every day, eat, then go to your desk and hide behind three large computer monitors all evening, and only emerge to go to bed, tell me that you're defeated, you're 45 and ready to slow down, tell me 'It's only sex, is it really that important?', tell me to look at myself, and ask me why anyone would want to make love to me, and finally, tell me that this is my fault, it's our lot in life, and that I just need to accept it. But, oh well, at least you came home from work every day." 

So, MattMatt, you tell me, how do you think *THAT* would fly on TAM? Oh wait, we already know. It's all in my original thread. 

No one, on TAM, thinks that an affair is justifiable...... for any reason...... including me. But, I'll be damned if I don't say that comments, like the one you made above, don't piss the hell out of me. Because, I read comments, just like that, all of the time, and the double standard, around here, is so over the top that it is just absurd. 

Not picking on you, Buddy, but your post was the straw that broke this camel's back. The OP's wife's cheating is *ALL on HER*. But, make NO mistake, the smoking weed and staying out all night, when he said he'd be home, is *ALL on HIM*. 

:rant:


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Going out with your mate and smoking some weed was not wrong. Doing It every night, however, would be. Going out later than planned, at this early stage, and given her behaviour since DDay, is also not wrong. Let her wonder and worry. Doing It every night, however, would be wrong. 

You have done nothing wrong here. I don't see what the problem is. If she wants respect, time to earn it missy! When she wants to start working on the marriage, that is time to take her feelings into consideration.

Move this along though. Don't get caught up in the limbo... tis very easy to do so.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> I think that goes for OP. It's hard to take her to task and reconcile when you are losing your moral high ground in this. Do not give it to her.


 He still has the moral high ground. He smoked a joint and she cheated. 

If you ask me, what she did is far worse than toking a doobee.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

R is a very hard road. And the pain of it can last for decades. Drinking and smoking to numb the pain never works. You need to become the man you want to be. Work on you.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

Maybe just maybe she is thinking thatnifmyour out partying and smoking weed you can cross the boundary and have a Revenge ONS...maybe being upset about the weed, is just a mirroring reaction.

Hey if she can cheat maybe you can.

A friend of mine was a serial cheater but was very jealous and possessive of his wife. Like ten times more than I was and I was pretty possessive. 

Also remember that like in my situation she had an EA for two years and was pissed at me for spying. Then when it went PA she tells me that her AP was going nuts knowing that they were in love and they had never been intimate but she was being intimate with me four-five times a week.

You can just never figure out the mind of people that are unfaithful until they come out of the FOG.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Regardless if all was well and the unicorns and rainbows were high and bright. Does it really matter what you do. Just because you went and had a friend be there for you, weed or not is none of business. I assume you went there to bend and ear and feel better about the situation. This was a cry for help and that's what you friend knew and understood. Now the moral side of that would be maybe you could have done something different, day before MC, but for me to say you were wrong or maybe you should have done something different is not for me to say. Her thoughts and dislikes about what you did have no weight. You lost the right to be upset about what I'm doing. Right or wrong, she is going to have to suck it up. BTW nine months of a EA, no guy would stick around for nine months and play around like that. I won't say anymore, but I think you deserve the truth and you are not getting that. BTW what you did is a result of what she did, good, bad or other. It is what it is.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm feeling like OP is now a weed smoking alcoholic. 

Doubt it somehow.

If WS is still carrying on about it, I know what I'd be saying. . . I don't want to get banned so here's a nice way of saying it and it should be said NICELY & CALMLY:

"Don't worry about it darling and don't lose your temper again. I haven't turned into a weed-smoking alcoholic and I won't. Not your problem. End of story." 
I would then not say anything at all if she tries to say any more about it. Zilch.

OP then owns it. 
OK everyone who was talking about him owning it?

I would follow it with, 
"What our real issue is darling is the business of this EA you had for 9 months and the fact that you lied all that time. That is the issue here."

Here are the real issues that will plague OP. Is she telling you the 100% truth? You better make it clear to her that you will tolerate nothing less. 

Have you snooped? Do so if you think she is not telling the truth. Is the A over? Have you outed her? Does OM have a wife? Does she know? Do you have kids? How is the MC going?

Anyway I think the real issue isn't getting enough air time on here. That is if you are not going out getting drunk and smoking weed every night. 

Only my opinion of course.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

6301 said:


> He still has the moral high ground. He smoked a joint and she cheated.
> 
> If you ask me, what she did is far worse than toking a doobee.


I don't disagree with you, but it will be used against him in an argument to deflect from the real issue. She will use it to point out and say 'your not perfect either, you blahblahblah this...' Then the cheating won't be discussed...


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

EI said:


> MattMatt, you know I think the world of you, but let's try this one on for size:
> 
> 
> I was in a state of prolonged hopelessness and despair. For years I was neglected, rejected, and humiliated by my husband. When people are neglected, rejected, and humiliated by their spouses they are liable to do some weird self-destructive stuff.
> ...



EI, you've done what you've done but your husband should buy you a dozen of beautiful roses to thank you that, after all that, you're still willing to give him a second chance. He's very fortunate that you're such a forgiving person.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

adriana said:


> EI, you've done what you've done but your husband should buy you a dozen of beautiful roses to thank you that, after all that, you're still willing to give him a second chance. He's very fortunate that you're such a forgiving person.


Thank you for saying that, Adriana. I appreciate it very much. The truth is, these days, my husband and I, both, seem to think we're the fortunate ones. I did forgive him. But, more than that, after being betrayed in the most painful way a spouse can be betrayed, he found it in him to forgive me. He has been my rock and I have tried to be his throughout our reconciliation. He used to post on TAM a lot, but has since decided that it is healthier for him to stay focused on working on himself, loving me, and working with me on building a happier and healthier marriage. 

He has given me flowers a few times in the last couple of years, but he has given me something much more meaningful than that. Last year, on Valentine's Day, 2013, he got down on one knee and "proposed" that we renew our wedding vows on our 30th wedding anniversary. We will be doing that in June this year. The fact that he sealed it with a gorgeous 1 carat diamond "Past, Present, and Future" wedding band was just icing on the cake. He knows that I'm not materialistic. I never have been. The only thing I ever truly wanted was him; his heart, his time, his attention, his desire for me, and his love. We are making up for lost time. We both feel very, very fortunate and blessed.

Thank you for your kind words.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Smileandlaugh

Go to your wife with some flowers and tell her you apologize for the weed smoking and the all nighter at bud’s house. Be sincere then ask her if she will help you with the EA issue. You are hurt and she can do a lot to help you and her by taking the right steps to rebuild.


*Getting both partners to get in the rebuilding mode is a lot better that pointing out each other’s failures.*

With the proper rebuilding you both will be able to smileandlaugh again!!


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