# Limbo is Taking Its Toll



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

It will be 4 months Friday since my wife of 15 years walked out in the middle of the night after a series of events where she thought I was having an affair (there is no one and never has been), thought I was trying to poison her cofee, and she believed I wanted to leave her. We have a history of fighting like brother and sister a lot and I have taken responsibility for my part. Wife is staying at mother's 5 minutes away and we are sharing time equally with our daughter (age 11). Wife comes by house each day and picks up mail, pets do and runs errands. I pursued her for first month; backed off second month-and we started doing things and it seemed she was coming back- then Bam- she got cold and said we needed to take a break. I have stopped emailing her, telling her I love her or making any phone contact with her unless it involved our daughter. Wife seems content on current scenario- nothing else in marriage has changed except she is staying at mothers (big issue I know). Wife wont go to counseling (has alluded to it in future possibly), says I am doing all right things and have changed (and also has told friends and our daughters psychologist the same) but won't take any steps one way or another to move forward. Discussion that mental illness may be in play, at least in part has occurred on this board. Wjenever she comes to the house when I am there. she is very a matter of fact (business like) and wont look me in the eye or or in my direction-like she purposefully does not want to make eye contact with me. She recently told me we should not tell each other we love her in front of our daughter per daughter's psychologist because we may give mixed messages to her. I agree- but she has been sending mixed signals for 4 months per my previous posts. Recently, wife has been taking all clothes out of bedrooms and daughter's room, sorting them at her mother's and brining them back to the house and reorganizing- WT heck? I need help because the limbo is likking me- I don't feel very patient anymore but I don't want to do anything in case there is a hope for reconciliation. Child psychologist said your wife seems to be really stuck in a rut and unable to do anything or say anythintg to move forward in a direction. help? I appreciate everyone's help including the take of those women out there who may have an idea what is going on? Should I keep holding on or just cobntact an attorney and start drawing up papers? We are in a state that requires 1 year physical separation before divorce. I don't want a divorce but something will have to give eventually. Thanks


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Is she willing to have a psychological evaluation? I'd insist on it. I would think it would play in with access to your daughter... if that's how you have to phrase it to get her to go. But the paranoid and weird behavior she's exhibiting means something.

Since you're already been separated 4 months, you have 8 to go. You don't need to rush to a lawyer unless it will make you feel better. Which it might.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Dobo- I agree that time has not run; i guess its the pain of "hoping" that is so hard. Every time I feel as if I am turning the corner to move on emotionally, she does something that appears to send a message she wants to come home or at least work on the marriafge- for example, gifts and doing nice things for me. perhaps, it is just guilt that is motivating her. I thought someone else may be involved earlyier but she is at her mom's houise every night (my daughter calls) and even on the weekends when our daughter is with me, my wife is getting to bed at 8:30pm at her mothers. What do you make of her not making eye contact with me? She always used to- I feel as if she is either being dishonest about something or is not telling me the whole story.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

My husband is the only man I've ever found that I cannot make eye contact with when I am ashamed of myself. Typically it will happen when I'm upset with him but feel that I'm also being unreasonable to be upset because he doesn't deserve it. I don't want him to read my shame. 

Look, I think your wife has a problem and she doesn't know what it is and she knows you don't deserve this, but she just cannot help herself right now. You have to PUSH her to see someone about the problem. 

Does her mother see any other signs of odd behavior?


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Dobo- Perhaps shame is a reason as you say. My wife always was honest and a straight shooter with me- always looked deep into me whenever we discussed something. Now, it's this superficial discussion where she just refuses to look at me- its like she looks in every direction but at me when she is talking.

I am not sure if her mother has any idea about her odd behavior. I know the night she left, she called her mother when I was asleep and told her mom to meet her over our house because she was feeling "creeped out" in the house with me and needed her to follow her home. I can only guess what my mother in law was thinking that night and now- though any reasonable person would likely be questioning the basis for what my wife is saying. I know her mother has been making all meals for my wife and daughter, does all the laundry and even cleans my wife's car. You would think my wife would be doing most of this herself instead of allowing her 70 year old mother to do it for her after 4 months has elapsed. Thus, I have to think her mom knows something is not quite right; though, she will likely never tell me what she is truly thinking as she stands by her daughter- they have a very close family and never allow any outsiders in- including those who marry into the family; people like, well, me!

Dobo- I am an attorney (corporate now) but formerly did high end domestic litigation- so I know how this game wroks unfortunately iif she wants to get out for good. I also know one can never be there own attorney. Question, can you speculate what she may be doing by just hanging out at her mothers and not working on the marriage right now? That is, suggestion whether she is just plotting to never come back right now and won't tell me?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

First, I suggest you talk to her mother in private. Ask her about your wife and if she thinks something is off-kilter. However you phrase it, make it sound less harsh than "do you think she's declining into mental illness." Is there any family history there?

About what she might be thinking -- I don't know because it seems to me that she is having a breakdown of some sort. And you can't apply logic to someone who isn't operating logically. I wish I could tell you more.

She may feel a failure for leaving husband and child.
She may feel afraid of what is happening to her and not know who to trust.
She may have moments of clarity and if they are in stark contrast with her other thinking, she's probably terrified of what it means.
Maybe she left you and your daughter for your own safety.

I just don't know.

Is there any hope of getting her into a doctor?


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Dobo- she is seeing a psychiatrist as far as I know. However, she told me a month ago- that the doctor said she was fine and that she did not need any meds- that i was the problem and that I was never going to change. I hardly believe the psychiatrist said that but who knows. I do think, she elected to take anti-depressants at a minimum. I don't have much hope of having her submit to a major psychiatric workup. And, because she likely never told the doctor about her concerns of me "taining" her coffee, spraying insecticdes on the countertops ect the weeks before she left, they may never have an idea of some of the crazy thoughts running through my wife's mind.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

As a lawyer, do you have any standing to have her evaluated against her will?

And I agree that she probably didn't tell the full story. Psychiatrists aren't always good therapists, either, so I don't know that I'd take what one says too seriously without a full evaluation with a lot of honesty.

Is there any chance of you going with her to the psych though? To tell him about the odd behaviors?

The scrutiny you mentioned in the other thread at work -- is it real? (In my company, it would be real. We've just gone through a merger and everyone is fighting to stay alive.)


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Dobo- I would have no further standing than anyone else. The law basically reads, unless someone is a danger to themself or others, involuntary anything is generally no instructed. Here, while my wife seems to be having odd behaviors, nothing she has done to date comes close to this standard.

One thing I am thinking- The Pivilged communication between my wife and her doctors is just that- a privilege from disclosing any information to other third parties without my wife's consent. i don't think this precludes me from draftingh a letter to her doctors outlining some of the things she has said and done and just letting them know I thought they should know about it in case they were not on notice. this does not circumnavigate any privilege rule but gets the information to the doctor. They can choose to accept or reject it; however, i would think that once it is written, they would need to give credibility to it in case something bad happened based on the letters and they took no action to medicate or treat my wife. Thoughts?

yes- it appears work is tough for her as well; though I got the impression it was NOT economy driven- this was about HER work.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

RE Work, maybe more paranoia? Or, maybe her work is suffering due to who knows what. 

Does she have any close friends at work who could clue you in on what's really going on there? You obviously can't go to her boss...

I think you're probably right about the letter and it cannot hurt. I would think that the doctor would need to discuss it with her. Who knows how that would go over.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

WP.
just reading through your posts with dobo...
I think it is like we are all saying - "logic" deducing what she is doing and "why" she is doing it is very tricky /waster of time even if she is having a breakdown...for those of us whose spouses 'have left' your scenario doesn't 'fit' with what spaouses do when they leave...(if there is OM etc)....
If I apply logic to your situation I keep on coming back to 'breakdown'...in a way the separation/divorce thing isn't the 'main game' here - 
do you and your wife have a family doctor that you can start with ?
and in terms of the psych - how often is she going?
and how much do you trust this psych ?
and why is she going? what was the process by which she got there? referral from family doctor?
If she is having a breakdown (an perhaps then going to her mum who can 'look after her' "unconditionally") makes sense...
I guess my thoughts on your situation are still the same -
try looking at it through the lens of "my wife is not well" and see where that takes you.....


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

WP, I have taken the time to go back and read most of your threads.

A couple of things stand out at this point. 

Can you talk about what it is that you have 'changed' that she keeps commenting on? 

Do _you_ feel that your behavior in the past siginificantly contributed to your wifes behavior now? If so, what was it that you were, or weren't doing?

Unless you want Limbo in perpetuity, YOU need to set guidelines. If you are separated, she should not be able to come and go from the house as she pleases. (This is probably also a source of mixed messages for your daughter) She wants you to respect her boundaries, consequently that means she needs to respect yours. 
Her being able to continue playing at being married when it suits her (discussion about the house, etc.) while being able to ignore you completely is unhealthy for the both of you.

Are _you_ in therapy? (if not you should be)

Can she actually articulate what it is she hopes to, or is trying to accomplish?

Here is my opinion - based upon the information that you have provided, and my own experience. 

You cannot fix this marriage by yourself. I urge you to start thinking about this perspective.

I believe that she wants to leave you, but is afraid to do so. Limbo, is a safe and comfortable option for her. That is obviously not the case with you.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Everyone- thank you for your attention in listening and providing feedback. ironically, just got an email from my wife asking if she can help me take the dog out this afternoon while I got somewhere after work- it is just madness as I see this.

Dobo- I don't know anyone at her work well enough to contact them and ask. However, a friend of hers called me last night from Illinois- she is very pro family and marriage. She just found out yesterday my wife had been gone 4 months! She said she was floored my wife finally told her after all these months. We talked for hours and she keeps telling me to hang on because she does not think my wife is threw with the marriage-that she is waiting for "oermanent" change. I don't know what to believe anymore-she is so pro marriage I think she may not be seeing this clearly.

Knor-Our family doctor is a good friend of mine. I have been hesitant to date to do no harm and contact him as I think my wife would be furious at me. But perhaps this is a good start.
I think she goes to psychiatrist once a week and a psychologist once a week as well. I don't know whether to trust to psych or not but my wife seems to be a little farther away from me now then a month ago so I am not sure- perhaps its just me because I have been backing off a great deal so it feels like she is farther now~!
She got to Pysch because a month before she left IO begged her to see someone because she seemed so depressed and was starting to say crazy things like I was having an affair with someone and she knew I was putting stuff in her coffee and once she was out of the picture a woman in waiting will be in my life. It's so sad she left before her first appointment in July! So many conflicting thoughts- from breakdown; to affair; to she justy wants to leave you as Deejo suggests. Sometimes I think all 3 may be correct but there is no way of knowing for sure right now without knowing more.

Deejo- the main issue in our marriage is that both my wife and I were very passionate and we did not have proper boundaries in fighting fair. I yelled at her and vice versa and we both used obscenities when fighting- we were like brother and sister for so long. It's like the passion we had in each other in love was just as passionate in fighting. I can only work on myself. My wife has told me, the child psychologist, and friends that I have done a 180 these past 4 months and have done all the right thiongs; however, she is afraid to come back because she does not trust me that the changes are permanent. Something does not seem square here to me. How the heck is "permanent" establish- that word means nothing as one can continue to say that indefintely. I understand when she says this but something tells me she is not being straight. Why won't she go to counseling with me? Why won't she take baby steps and go to lunch or out for coffee? Something is not right here- after 4 months, if I was doing all the right things, one would think she would be moving towards addressing issues to reconcile if that's what she wants- what does everyone think?

The fact she will not do anything to work on the marriage makes me think- other person somewhere (maybe work) and that's why she wont work on marriage but cannot let go anmd tell me she wants out for good. Am I paranoid now?

I agree I need to tighten the boundaries- I guess I have been afraid that If I push her over a cliff I may push her away forever- especially if this is from mental illness- as my therapist says (yes been in Therapy continuously) this does not read like a typical situation so typical rules don't apply- and extreme caution and patience is likely warranted so you do no harm. Does everyone agree or do I need to take tougher love steps?

No- she is not articulating what the goals are of this time period- early in the separation I was convinced she wanted to come back- as her goal was to stregthen the marriage by becoming better people individually so we can be better better spouses to each other. However, I am not so sure anymore after 4 months. Sometimes it just seems she wants to be my friend now- but she won't even look me in the eyes when she talks to me when at the house- its like she purposely wont even look at me. What does everyone make of that?

You are right, Deejo- I cannot fix this myself and limbo sucks for me and our daughter. 

I cannot get out of my head that the world works in a series of vacuums- when something is removed -something fills in its space. Here, my gut is telling me that her emotional departure seems so drastic that someone or something must be filling it. Whether that's mental illness or another 3P I am not sure!


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## InLimbo (Dec 28, 2009)

Hey waiting, I am going through the same exact scenario. It's been 3 & 1/2 months that she's been gone and it seems we are further apart than we ever were. She has pulled away more since she began seeing her counselor as well. It's interesting that she had a blowout with her mom when her mom asked her if she was having an affair. After our first session with a new counselor last night, I have found myself wanting to end this. Stay strong and hang in there!


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## InLimbo (Dec 28, 2009)

I just found out that my wife IS having an affair, which explains everything. I am cutting her loose as of this typing. Good luck to you.


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