# Life as a single mom



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I've decided to stop describing my situation as "I'm separated" (when it comes up), to "I'm a single mom". It shifts my focus from my impending divorce, to the fact that I am the primary caretaker of my daughter.

It is a very hard road. I have a profound respect for single moms (and single dads). I work full time, thankfully my parents take care of my little one, but by the time I get home with my daughter it's 7pm. Then it's dinner, cleaning, sometimes cooking, and the bed-time routine.

I've been separated only 7 months. I tried to make it an amicable separation/divorce, but his weaknesses and my weaknesses prevented that from happening. Most of it is due to lack of communication. I feel devastated. And I just want to know - any single moms/single dads out there - how did you get through it? How did you raise a happy, active child without allowing the resentment/hurt of your divorce to negatively affect your child...? She's only 2, but in a few months will be intelligent enough to understand that her parents don't speak to each other when they see each other. Her dad and I had an argument on the phone yesterday which completely shattered my whole day, emotionally destroyed me for the day basically - and she was in the room when I was talking to him on the phone. I saw her watching me when I hung up - and I realized what a horrible thing it is, to allow her to see me react in such a negative way.

She's my priority. I feel like I'm falling apart.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I've decided to stop describing my situation as "I'm separated" (when it comes up), to "I'm a single mom". It shifts my focus from my impending divorce, to the fact that I am the primary caretaker of my daughter.
> 
> It is a very hard road. I have a profound respect for single moms (and single dads). I work full time, thankfully my parents take care of my little one, but by the time I get home with my daughter it's 7pm. Then it's dinner, cleaning, sometimes cooking, and the bed-time routine.
> 
> ...


I'm no single dad as my W has our son most of the time, though i wish i had him more.

You and your H still have a long way to go, there's a lot of resentment, specially on your part as he has acted like a fool. It's hard to separate M issues with coparenting as you are basically dealing with the same person. I would suggest to talk to your baby girl's father when you both are not angry and make a pact with him to try to make it a civil as posible. Do not cry in front of your daughter or get angry, kids are so aware of everything that happens around them.

You have to try to do the 180 and keep it bussines like with him, no personal attacks, that will help you cope with the situation better.

You have the support of your family and that helps a lot. vent out to friends and here on TAM, we are all here for each other.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Regretf said:


> I'm no single dad as my W has our son most of the time, though i wish i had him more.
> 
> You and your H still have a long way to go, there's a lot of resentment, specially on your part as he has acted like a fool. It's hard to separate M issues with coparenting as you are basically dealing with the same person. I would suggest to talk to your baby girl's father when you both are not angry and make a pact with him to try to make it a civil as posible. Do not cry in front of your daughter or get angry, kids are so aware of everything that happens around them.
> 
> ...


Thank you...your kind words mean a lot to me. It's such a difficult phase! 

You are absolutely right, that I need to not personally attack him. It just all rushed out after 3 months of minimal contact. All the stuff I kept inside, rushed out and I really let him have it. No swearing of course...but plenty of insults...I called him a low-life for not taking care of me and our daughter. Told him he had no honour and that he's a man-child who never grew up. 

Now that it's out of my system, I hope I can just let it go. Everyone tells me to just LET IT GO and move on...but in my head I'm constantly fighting with him and his family and I don't know how to stop!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Honestly, I think it's good you got it out.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Thank you...your kind words mean a lot to me. It's such a difficult phase!
> 
> You are absolutely right, that I need to not personally attack him. It just all rushed out after 3 months of minimal contact. All the stuff I kept inside, rushed out and I really let him have it. No swearing of course...but plenty of insults...I called him a low-life for not taking care of me and our daughter. Told him he had no honour and that he's a man-child who never grew up.
> 
> Now that it's out of my system, I hope I can just let it go. Everyone tells me to just LET IT GO and move on...but in my head I'm constantly fighting with him and his family and I don't know how to stop!


It's easy for people to say "get over it or move on" when they are not the ones dealing with it. You'll move on and get over it at your own pace, no one can do that for you.

He is a lowlife by not taking care of his W and daughter, but you know he has other problems, a codependant R with his family, and that you can do nothing about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Orange_Pekoe,

How much time does your daughter spend with her father?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Orange_Pekoe,
> 
> How much time does your daughter spend with her father?


She is with him every weekend - usually Friday night until Sunday morning.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Regretf said:


> It's easy for people to say "get over it or move on" when they are not the ones dealing with it. You'll move on and get over it at your own pace, no one can do that for you.
> 
> He is a lowlife by not taking care of his W and daughter, but you know he has other problems, a codependant R with his family, and that you can do nothing about it.


I think my only hope for a way out, is therapy. Counselling. Learning tools to cope with the fact that I feel abandoned and uncared for. I also strongly feel that I have some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder due to my 3 years living with my in laws. They gave me a lot of emotional scars. I also have guilt sometimes, due to the fact that I chose to eventually leave that house.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> She is with him every weekend - usually Friday night until Sunday morning.


When my son was younger, I used the time my son was with his father for two things. 

One is my work allowed me to work off hours. So when I did not have my son, I often worked long hours so that I could be off earlier when he was in my care.

The rest of the time when he was with his father I used to rejuvenate myself... work out, go swimming, meet with friends, or just sleep a lot.

How do you like the schedule you have? It seems like you are cheated out of weekends with you child. So you will become the 'work/school' parent and him the 'fun' parent. Do you have a chance to change the schedule so that you get some Friday/Saturdays with your child?


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I think my only hope for a way out, is therapy. Counselling. Learning tools to cope with the fact that I feel abandoned and uncared for. I also strongly feel that I have some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder due to my 3 years living with my in laws. They gave me a lot of emotional scars. I also have guilt sometimes, due to the fact that I chose to eventually leave that house.


Do counseling. I have a sesión today and it does help to deal with it and cope. And also to correct bad behaviour on our part for the future, for us.

You HAD to leave, it must have been traumatic. You had no choice.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> When my son was younger, I used the time my son was with his father for two things.
> 
> One is my work allowed me to work off hours. So when I did not have my son, I often worked long hours so that I could be off earlier when he was in my care.
> 
> ...


I complained a week ago, about this same fact - told him that I work very late on weekdays and barely see our daughter on the weekends. So I think now it's changed to: Saturday AM to Sunday AM. Which at least gives me Friday nights to enjoy with her...and most of Sunday. Yes, I was being cheated out of weekends with her.

I have recently moved, and every Saturday I am very stressed out looking for furniture. Barely have any time to myself. I'm hoping that once I get my condo in order, I will be able to rejuvenate...work out at the very least.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Being able to use the time when she is away to rejuvenate yourself will be a huge help.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Regretf said:


> Do counseling. I have a sesión today and it does help to deal with it and cope. And also to correct bad behaviour on our part for the future, for us.
> 
> You HAD to leave, it must have been traumatic. You had no choice.


I feel super traumetized. That's not me trying to be a victim - that's my honest feeling about the entire 3 year period living with his family. 

I feel very overwhelmed. Hoping it will get better...but I know it will only get better if I work at it consistently. Retrain my thoughts and control my reactions all the time, not just "most of the time".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I was also lucky in that my mother took care of my son. She fed him dinner before I picked him up. So all I had to think about in the evening was a snack for him.

When I did have to have a dinner for him I often used a crock pot. Just get the food ready the night before. Put the crock pot insert in the fridge. In the morning pop it in the crock put and dinner is done when you get home.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

It sounds like you have your daughters best interests at heart. I am going through a divorce and their dad left us for other women (plural)
I try to be strong for my kids, but there are days when its hard to hold back around them. Sometimes I will just go into the bathroom or just say I have a cold or am allergic to something and that's why my eyes are tearing. They are 6 and 8. I started my daughter in counseling. She is aware and asking questions. It is very hard not to vent on the phone to the ex. I swear I think my kids have homing beacons and they always know when I am on the phone. The only thing I think keeps all of us from going crazy is a consistent schedule.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I was also lucky in that my mother took care of my son. She fed him dinner before I picked him up. So all I had to think about in the evening was a snack for him.
> 
> When I did have to have a dinner for him I often used a crock pot. Just get the food ready the night before. Put the crock pot insert in the fridge. In the morning pop it in the crock put and dinner is done when you get home.


This is a great tip. Small suggestions like this add up and they help.

I spend a good chunk of Sunday cooking for the week, because I don't want her to be complaining/crying that I'm not paying attention to her while I cook. The crock pot idea is great.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My hat's off to you. I don't have children but saw my sister do it alone and she is my hero. 

You've got this!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Of course you still feel stressed! So don't feel bad about that. You recognize it, and are seeking ways to make changes. This is incredibly pro-active. Being a single parent is tough, there's no one to hand the kids off to when you've had a bad day, or help with dishes and night-time routines. Everything is on you.

My ex has been gone about two years and I much prefer limiting our contact to texts. He doesn't see the kids-his choice- and the split was not amicable. So limiting our communications to texting really helps me not blow up in front of the kids. It also gives me a history to print-off.

Think your DD would cooperate on an outing with you to a thrift store or antique shop to look at furniture? I know she's pretty young, but it was one of those things I always did with the kids and now if we drive somewhere they spot a shop and say we have to stop. It also helps give her ownership of your new home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> This is a great tip. Small suggestions like this add up and they help.
> 
> I spend a good chunk of Sunday cooking for the week, because I don't want her to be complaining/crying that I'm not paying attention to her while I cook. The crock pot idea is great.


I love a crock pot because there is hot meal when I get home. Nothing to even heat up.

There are some websites that have ideas of preparing crockpot meals ahead of time. Basically you put all the ingredients in a ziplock bag. You can freeze it, just make sure that it fits into the crock pot frozen... or have it arranged so that the each day you remove the bag from the freeze and let it thaw in the refrigerator. That way it's ready in about 24 hours to pop into the crock pot.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Slow Cooker Freezer Meals: Makes 8 Meals in 1 Hour! | Six Sisters' Stuff

Here's a site for make-ahead crock pot meals to freeze. A big time-saver/


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Of course you still feel stressed! So don't feel bad about that. You recognize it, and are seeking ways to make changes. This is incredibly pro-active. Being a single parent is tough, there's no one to hand the kids off to when you've had a bad day, or help with dishes and night-time routines. Everything is on you.
> 
> My ex has been gone about two years and I much prefer limiting our contact to texts. He doesn't see the kids-his choice- and the split was not amicable. So limiting our communications to texting really helps me not blow up in front of the kids. It also gives me a history to print-off.
> 
> Think your DD would cooperate on an outing with you to a thrift store or antique shop to look at furniture? I know she's pretty young, but it was one of those things I always did with the kids and now if we drive somewhere they spot a shop and say we have to stop. It also helps give her ownership of your new home.


Jellybeans and Pluto, thank you for your votes of confidence. I hope I can come away from this experience being wiser and stronger. And you have a point about limiting contact to texting. I think that's best...at the very least, my daughter will not hear any arguments that might ensue. 

I would LOVE to take her to the furniture store, but I live in Canada and we have experienced temperatures up to minus 30 Celcius this February. Crazy!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Be sure to have a well articulated custody agreement. Think out all of the details, visitation, who pays for insurance, medical costs, schooling? Child support amounts?

The more detail you negotiate up front, the less ongoing conflict there will be. Once your divorce is final, and all of the details are clear, you and your ex should be able to interact with much less stress. Keep things centered around your daughter, and if he tries to talk about the past or something non child related, change the subject back. 

Right now is the most stressful time for you, it does get better. I'm in the house with my 3, and you could say I'm the single Dad (although mine are older, 16, 18 & 20). Not a role I ever envisioned. But I treat their mother with respect and never say a negative thing about her to them (I save that for a drunken nights out with friends or these boards, lol). 

I wish she spent more time with them. She has them for dinner twice a week. Never an overnight. Never? Seems odd to me, but I don't talk about it with the kids. I just encourage them to see her as often as they can, and make arrangements for days when she cancels last minute (which doesn't happen often, but happens). 

I'm glad my oldest Daughter is 20, as my 16 year old needed some new bras. I'm not ready to go to the store with her bra shopping! lol.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hopelessus said:


> It sounds like you have your daughters best interests at heart. I am going through a divorce and their dad left us for other women (plural)
> I try to be strong for my kids, but there are days when its hard to hold back around them. Sometimes I will just go into the bathroom or just say I have a cold or am allergic to something and that's why my eyes are tearing. They are 6 and 8. I started my daughter in counseling. She is aware and asking questions. It is very hard not to vent on the phone to the ex. I swear I think my kids have homing beacons and they always know when I am on the phone. The only thing I think keeps all of us from going crazy is a consistent schedule.


I'm so very sorry to hear this. I think it's much harder when the kids are old enough to understand what's happening. That's one thing I am very grateful for - that all this happened when my daughter was so young that she probably won't even recall...and will simply grow up with the reality that her parents are not together. 

A consistent schedule is important, yes. I hope it will get easier for all of you. Hugs.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Acoa said:


> Be sure to have a well articulated custody agreement. Think out all of the details, visitation, who pays for insurance, medical costs, schooling? Child support amounts?
> 
> The more detail you negotiate up front, the less ongoing conflict there will be. Once your divorce is final, and all of the details are clear, you and your ex should be able to interact with much less stress. Keep things centered around your daughter, and if he tries to talk about the past or something non child related, change the subject back.
> 
> ...


This is my next step - to get a lawyer and figure out custody and child support. And it will lay the foundation for all future interactions so, thank you for this advice.

I don't know about others, but I feel very stressed out because even finding a lawyer is not easy. They charge an arm and a leg. But you have to do what you have to do...it's also super stressful because up until now I had hopes that reconciliation might be successful. Now that I realize that possibility is down the drain, I have to cope with all my hopes crashing to the ground. And starting new again.

I am so glad that you don't say anything negative about your kids' mom to them. For some reason, I feel this is easier for men to do than women. Women are more expressive and emotional...but I don't want my daughter growing up having a negative idea of marriage and relationships, if it's at all possible. In fact, I hope that one day I can talk to her with fondness about the GOOD times I spent with her dad (and yes, we had a lot of good times too). Part of me actually still loves the guy which is why this is so hard for me.

Haha - glad you didn't have to go bra shopping either! Imagine the awkwardness of that...lol


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I'm so very sorry to hear this. I think it's much harder when the kids are old enough to understand what's happening. That's one thing I am very grateful for - that all this happened when my daughter was so young that she probably won't even recall...and will simply grow up with the reality that her parents are not together.
> 
> A consistent schedule is important, yes. I hope it will get easier for all of you. Hugs.


Yes it's important for kids to have a consistent Schedule, it will be a constant in their lifes specially as so much turmoil is thrown at them.

My son is 3 1/2 and he doesn't comprehend that his mom and i are separated. It breaks my heart that he will have no memories of his parents together. I have tried in the past to do things together as a "family" but the STXW dissproves as that will confuse our son more (according to her therapist), oh well.

To good thing for you going is that you have your daughter with you, that will make you stronger, your change hasn't been as abrubt as others. Us men that love our kids and that didn't initiated the D have it tougher. Hang in there.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Regretf said:


> Yes it's important for kids to have a consistent Schedule, it will be a constant in their lifes specially as so much turmoil is thrown at them.
> 
> My son is 3 1/2 and he doesn't comprehend that his mom and i are separated. It breaks my heart that he will have no memories of his parents together. I have tried in the past to do things together as a "family" but the STXW dissproves as that will confuse our son more (according to her therapist), oh well.
> 
> To good thing for you going is that you have your daughter with you, that will make you stronger, your change hasn't been as abrubt as others. Us men that love our kids and that didn't initiated the D have it tougher. Hang in there.


It must be terribly hard not living with your son. When my daughter is away from me for just 2 days a week, I feel SO ALONE and sad and miss her a lot.

Best of luck to all of us...everything happens for a reason.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> It must be terribly hard not living with your son. When my daughter is away from me for just 2 days a week, I feel SO ALONE and sad and miss her a lot.
> 
> Best of luck to all of us...everything happens for a reason.


I know. When i spend the weekend with him and drop hit at his moms (our apartment) is very hard on me. The walk out of the apartment into the elevator then out of the elavator out of the building into my car is the longest. Now i get into my car fine, but i used to start crying as soon as the door was closed.

Yes, everything happens for a reason and one day we shall all see.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Regretf said:


> I know. When i spend the weekend with him and drop hit at his moms (our apartment) is very hard on me. The walk out of the apartment into the elevator then out of the elavator out of the building into my car is the longest. Now i get into my car fine, but i used to start crying as soon as the door was closed.
> 
> Yes, everything happens for a reason and one day we shall all see.



I'm so sorry. I hope it becomes easier as time goes on.
My soon to be ex husband would also cry after he'd drop off our daughter back to me. Which I don't understand any more, because I asked him to move in with us...he refused. So why cry and put himself through all that heartache, when it can be easily fixed by moving in with me? It's not like we are not physically compatible, or we hated each other. His bond to his biological family is just too strong. Some sort of intense codependent relationship that I cannot break for him.

All this heart ache...so silly.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Really silly. But maybe he needs helpnfor his codependence. Im shure he doesnt see it that way but it's obvious there is a problem with that.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Regretf said:


> Really silly. But maybe he needs helpnfor his codependence. Im shure he doesnt see it that way but it's obvious there is a problem with that.


He doesn't see it, or acknowledge it, and he gets very VERY upset when I point it out.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I will read your entire thread when I'm free next. Tired now. 

Just know it will get better. I m better. Just count down The months. 

What I did to take my mind off the pain n emotional crashes are as follows. 

I work very hard to earn more money. 

I clean up reorganise the house. 

N I took up sports n jog. N lost 12 kg so I'm a sexy 49 kg now. Really sexy now. 

Then I went shopping for new wardrobe for new body n enjoy looking good in case I get a date in future when I m ready. Ha ha??


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> He doesn't see it, or acknowledge it, and he gets very VERY upset when I point it out.



Your attacking his ego, his sense of self. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior, and until he sees it as an issue, there is nothing you can really do, especially not when his family is reinforcing that behavior.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Thank you...your kind words mean a lot to me. It's such a difficult phase!
> 
> You are absolutely right, that I need to not personally attack him. It just all rushed out after 3 months of minimal contact. All the stuff I kept inside, rushed out and I really let him have it. No swearing of course...but plenty of insults...I called him a low-life for not taking care of me and our daughter. Told him he had no honour and that he's a man-child who never grew up.
> 
> Now that it's out of my system, I hope I can just let it go. Everyone tells me to just LET IT GO and move on...but in my head I'm constantly fighting with him and his family and I don't know how to stop!


orange pekoe

you can search my other threads so you know what happened to cause my divorce .

it is process you will go through, a battle in your mind to let go . after a while , i gave up on my ex n ex-in-laws and start to tell myself that if i go on arguing and reasoning , i will go mad or die of a disease . so i gradually feel happier . and i started to pity those poor basta--rds who may never know what is love and will never enjoy two beautiful grandsons / sons / my future money i can earrned .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I'm so sorry. I hope it becomes easier as time goes on.
> My soon to be ex husband would also cry after he'd drop off our daughter back to me. Which I don't understand any more, because I asked him to move in with us...he refused. So why cry and put himself through all that heartache, when it can be easily fixed by moving in with me? It's not like we are not physically compatible, or we hated each other. His bond to his biological family is just too strong. Some sort of intense codependent relationship that I cannot break for him.
> 
> All this heart ache...so silly.


same for me

my ex loves his parents and sisters more than me n kids . counselor said they are mentally unstable n whole family has personality disorder . they dont work , shop , splurge till my ex in debt . i feed this family , pay his debts . n my ex still thinks his bio family are all angels and i am the devil .

he said he cried over the breakup of this family and for the boys too.

bottomline is , he made his choice . them over me n kids . 

same for you .


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

tripad said:


> same for me
> 
> my ex loves his parents and sisters more than me n kids . counselor said they are mentally unstable n whole family has personality disorder . they dont work , shop , splurge till my ex in debt . i feed this family , pay his debts . n my ex still thinks his bio family are all angels and i am the devil .
> 
> ...


This is exactly what it comes down to. He picked his biological family over the family he created with me. And he continues to do so. I'm tired of living my life constantly following their tails!

I'm so glad that you're healthier and happier now!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Your attacking his ego, his sense of self. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior, and until he sees it as an issue, there is nothing you can really do, especially not when his family is reinforcing that behavior.


You are absolutely right, and I've realized this fact as well. The problem is, there is no way for me to point out that he's being manipulated/used by his family, or too codependent/attached to them, without him feeling attacked. 

So I've just stopped trying.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

I just came across this thread - and I'm kind of in the same boat. My wife and I are going through the process of divorcing one another. We won't be final until mid-to-late summer. It is amicable - we lost our first child - our daughter - at birth and tell people that she and I are good people who went through a devastating loss and ended up losing one another. 

I have two children: a 5-year-old boy and a 2.5 year-old girl. My wife and I will have joint custody and shared primary placement which means in a 14-day span we will each have them 7 nights.

I am staying on our house and my wife is eventually going to purchase a condo close by. We are currently still living together - and for the most part - we get along just fine - but I know our time together is limited and it is scary to think about what it will be like when it is just me.

That said - we have always had work schedules that didn't mesh that well - so in some regards I've already had a taste of what being a single dad means.

I think there are several components to doing this right. There is the practical part: how do I manage children by myself AND still work and get stuff done around the house. I have some experience in this - like I said - and it's tough. It's hard to work a full day and then go home and put in another shift as a parent. I just try to keep going because when I slow down I lose momentum and it's hard to get going again. I think a key is routine: set a solid routine for your day and stick with it. It will give your day order - it will help your child and it will help you.

Another component - and this is one I will have to learn - is how it will change my lifestyle. I will be living off of one paycheck instead of two. How do I cut back? Can I afford it? This is scary - but again - I know that if I give it some order it will be okay. I know I will have to stick to a strict budget. I'll have to cut some things back - and I'm okay with that.

Finally - and this is a HUGE one for me - is what do I do with myself when I don't have the kids? I'm scared to be apart from them - and yes - I will generally see them every day - but I worry about handling my time alone. My goal is to just stay busy with myself because I think too much time doing nothing is dangerous: I can work out. I can do projects around the house. I can try a little free lancing. I can pick up old hobbies and learn new ones.

It's really daunting - I definitely feel your concern. I wear it like a heavy coat. If it were just her and I - it would not be a big deal - I'd get on with my life - but because there are two little ones involved - it is scary. They still don't know about our split. How will this affect them? 

I guess my final piece of advice is take one day at a time. Stay positive - don't let anyone else drag you down. You need to stay true for yourself and your child - especially if you cannot count on your partner. You're gonna do fine - I'm gonna do fine. Stay tough!!


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> You are absolutely right, and I've realized this fact as well. The problem is, there is no way for me to point out that he's being manipulated/used by his family, or too codependent/attached to them, without him feeling attacked.
> 
> So I've just stopped trying.


Yeah, if he doesn't want to hear it - he won't hear it. You just have to get to the point where it's simply about you and your child. You have to do what you can to disengage yourself.

I know how emotionally devastating this is - and how a single argument or sometimes even a single word or action can derail your entire day.

I guess when that happens just think of your child. Think about how you are going to be STRONG for your child - because you might be all they have. Hang in there!!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

milltown, I have to say that I have admiration for single dads who take care of their kids on their own. Men have usually relied on their wives to do the care taking of the children. I know this does not apply to everyone across the board...genders are increasingly pitching in equally when it comes to housework and responsibilities...but I just think it's really great when a father steps up and takes care of his kids properly. It's easy for someone to pay a few hundred in child support and move on, live the single life, and see their kids maybe once a week or two. You obviously love your children very much and take your responsibility toward them seriously. 

Keeping yourself busy on days when the kids are not with you, is absolutely the way to go. It's gotten easier for me since I posted this thread. On nights when my daughter is with her dad, I either meet with a girlfriend or watch a great movie on Netflix at home. I don't go out alone - that made me feel super lonely. Friday nights going out alone just felt wrong to me. Saturdays, I am super busy cleaning my home, running a bunch of errands, getting groceries and cooking. And Sundays when my baby girl is with me, we go out and enjoy the weather. I want to create memories with her that we will both cherish.

Be strong - and thank you for your kind words. Yes, we will both be OK. More than OK. Separation and divorce are not for the weak of heart, and ultimately we will come out of this stronger, wiser, and maybe even more compassionate. Good luck and God bless.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Hey there orange, just wanted to throw in my love and support. This is so, so hard. I'm not sharing custody right now because H is away visiting family, but I'm not looking forward to it. Has your weather gotten better yet? I'm in the northeaster US and it was just a hellish winter, which made everything feel even worse. Some warm air and sunshine always make everything seem better.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

northernlights said:


> Hey there orange, just wanted to throw in my love and support. This is so, so hard. I'm not sharing custody right now because H is away visiting family, but I'm not looking forward to it. Has your weather gotten better yet? I'm in the northeaster US and it was just a hellish winter, which made everything feel even worse. Some warm air and sunshine always make everything seem better.


Hi nothernlights, thank you for your support. 
Yes we had a brutal winter and the sun is finally shining. I feel better - some days are still hard but overall I feel like there are shining lights and I'm nearing the end of the tunnel.

Taking care of my daughter alone is still hard, but being a parent itself is hard. ALL WORTH IT though. I have actually come to enjoy the Saturdays when she's with her dad, because it gives me a day to focus on everything that needs to be done around my home. Sundays I focus on her, making memories with her.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I try not to use the phrase "single mom" to describe myself because I feel it's somewhat of a disservice to the true single moms who don't have 50/50 arrangements. I think, for me, it's more respectful to them if I simply describe myself as a divorced mom since I do (or I will, once I'm moved out and everything is final) have help half the time.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I try not to use the phrase "single mom" to describe myself because I feel it's somewhat of a disservice to the true single moms who don't have 50/50 arrangements. I think, for me, it's more respectful to them if I simply describe myself as a divorced mom since I do (or I will, once I'm moved out and everything is final) have help half the time.


You're very lucky and I'm glad that you will have help half the time. 
My husband sees our daughter Friday night to Saturday night. On the weekdays, he does not help at all. To be honest, I prefer it this way, because I want primary custody.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Not to mention, you will have more influence in developing your child. There are advantages of not having your husband around unfortunately.

Most of her learn behavior, beliefs, and parts of her personality, will stem from a more mentally healthy parent.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Not to mention, you will have more influence in developing your child. There are advantages of not having your husband around unfortunately.
> 
> Most of her learn behavior, beliefs, and parts of her personality, will stem from a more mentally healthy parent.


This is true! I shudder to think what her personality would have developed in to if she grew up full-time in that environment. I was an adult and they made me so emotionally and psychologically weak...imagine what impact it would have had on her, a little child!


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

I think you need to try avoid any arguments with him, he might say hurtful stuff to you but do not allow yourself to react the way he expects you to react. He's gonna try to push your buttons but if you just ignore him it will kill him that you are not getting angry or responding. One thing I realized during my divorce is they will try to control your emotions I just give him along rope to hang himself. Give him the I don't care attitude.

Your daughter will be safe n not be affected much about your differences. If a situation comes up to make you mad? think about your daughter.


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