# Is this the answer?



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I am a 36 year old mother of two boys, 18 and 11 and my husband and I have been married for 12 years as of two days ago. I am considering the possibility that we need to seperate. I love him dearly, but I have been feeling for some time that I am no longer suited for him. Here's the story:

Over the years my husband has dedicated himself to his passion, which is photography, which I think is great. I have, myself, taken over almost all of the household responsibilities, including the kid's activities and school, so that he can dedicate himself to his full-time photography sharing website job as well as his personal photography business which includes going to Karate tournaments on the weekends and doing Karate school shoots, headshots, and things of a photography nature. 

Needless to say, I'm exhausted and overwhelmed much of the time, and in the beginning of this photography venture I did begrudgingly used to go to the tournaments with him to help on the weekends. Perhaps I should have done it with a smile, and showed more support, but I really didn't want to give up my weekends to work on top of a full-time job, the kids, and the house. So yeah, I wasn't as into it as I should have been and his big complaint of me is that I totally don't support his photography business, I don't take it seriously, and according to him every time he brings up anything about it I "shut-down". Which isn't true because I've conversed extensively with him about his tournaments, about what is going on, and every time he gets his custom made posters in the mail or portrait packages I sit there and go through every single one of them and tell him how cool they look, how great of a job he does, etc... what I thought was being supportive. Disappointingly enough, he claims he gets "nothing" from me support-wise. I don't know what else I can possibly do other than give up every other interest of my own, which isn't going to happen, to go all-out photography - which is his thing, not mine. (Incidentally, when I used the words "photography thing" to him to point out that it was his "thing" and not mine he got angry because I called it a "thing", like it was meaningless...which is not how I meant it.) 

Another problem with this whole photography business is that yes, my fault, I do occasionally get jealous and feel left out. He constantly goes off to these tournaments and dinners and meetings and stuff not only for his business, but for his full-time job as well, and he comes home and talks about all these people I don't know and that he shmoozes with... I've on occassion asked about certain people, I've asked about certain women he has shot...it's a jealousy thing and I'm working on it, but he says I limit him because whenever he shoots a photograph in the back of his mind he's wondering if it'll make me jealous and feels almost guilty, which limits his talent and freedom to go all out. 

I think he thinks the jealousy thing is way bigger than it actually is...and he paints me to be this psycho or something and I'm not. This isn't an all the time, knock-out, drag-out thing where I'm snarling at every picture of a woman like he is painting it to be. 

To sum it up, I'm horrified to think that I am the one keeping him from being great, and living his passion, which is photography. I don't know what I can do to change for him, and quite frankly, don't know if I should. I am really feeling like I need to do the unselfish thing and let him go so he really can be free and unlimited. It is really no fun being somebody's lead weight, and having the love of my life look at me like I'm a big drag. Though it will hurt me tremendously...I feel like the only thing to do is to set him free. 

I don't really know what I am wanting to know here...I love my husband and I know he thinks he loves me. He doesn't understand why I can't just "stop" what I am doing. I really don't know what he wants from me. I don't know how I can change and be the person he wants me to be, and I just told him finally that maybe I'm not the one for him anymore and that that is the real problem.


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## SouthernBeauty (May 24, 2011)

I am sorry all of this is going on. I know it is hard to run a house and take care of children by yourself. I am only 22 years old but also struggle with being supportive in my husbands career, he is a volunteer firefighter and works for the coroner's office. We have a eight month old son and his dad is hardly around, I understand the coroner's office job and him not being around atleast he is bringing in some money but when he is not there he is at the Fire Department. I cook, clean, take care of our son AFTER i work from 730am-5pm monday-friday with a two hour (total) commute. Thats just to paint a picture so you know I know how it feels. I am guessing you feel some sort of resentment because you are the one who does everything that NEEDs to be done while the dinners and events he goes to are fun for him. You feel in a way like you are running the family by yourself and in the marriage by yourself. So maybe it is not the career that you have a hard time supporting but the length of TIME he is spending away from you and the kids and the number of times he is gone. Instead of throwing in the towel why do you not try to talk to him about planning time for the two of you to spend with eachother? Your 18 year old is old enough to watch the 11 year old, so there is no reason you two can not spend time together. Or even talk to him about planning a family vacation. He also needs to understand that you are exhausted and the importance in you needing a break as well. So he needs to be supportive of your needs too. Good luck and I really hope things turn out okay for you!


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Umm, did you forget you have an 11 year old??? Think about that, not photography. I don't want to sound harsh but that should be the priority. I hear a lot of justifying reasons for divorce here. Good luck.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Southern Beauty: Yes, it sounds very similar to what you are going through. I believe I did read your thread on here. Yes, I handle everything but paying the bills...which are mostly electronically done. He does take our youngest to his orthodontist appointments and most of the doctor's appointments, though. I take my son to all his activities, even boy scouts. My husband has started going to our youngest's baseball stuff, thank God. I help with the homework. I clean the house, and he has the nerve at times to complain because it is "too cluttered" and not clean enough and he feels claustrophobic. The trend I see on this forum in each and every case seems to me to be that one of the partners in each case is selfish and self-centered and the other partner's feelings are not being considered. Is it just me? That's how it is in my case. It's all about him...which he has the nerve at times to accuse me of wanting things to be all about me. It is very frustrating.

Locard: We have gone around and around about this aspect of the issue. I've told him again and again that he is missing out on our son's childhood (my oldest is not his biological son, though we've been together since he was three). He gets really angry at me when I bring it up and usually says, "Do you think I don't realize that?!" and usually acts like he's just so overwhelmed he doesn't know what he could possibly do about it. 

I brought up the possibility to him that we just need to go our separate ways, and that maybe I just am not the person for him. Maybe he needs someone else who is into photography. I asked him if he wanted a life without me. He stated that if it came down to it, he would just quit the photography business...that he is not choosing that over his family, which is good and bad - good because his family will come first, bad because if that ends up happening, he will resent me for the rest of his life because he will blame me for having to let go of his dreams...kind of like I've done with mine, so maybe we'll be even then...but really, no I don't want that. I care about his dreams and aspirations. 

My problem is that I am too complacent. I have not stuck up for myself enough nor have I put my foot down, and I have allowed him everything his heart desires...even if he thinks otherwise. I'm still unsure where this is headed. He may not want to split, but I don't know how much more I can take of never being able to do anything right or good enough for him. It really was like a punch in the stomach the other day when he started going on and on about how he gets no support from me for his photography business and how I hate it and don't want him doing it...I really did not know where he got that from, it isn't true, I thought I was being supportive, and to hear that with such anger behind it was truly shocking. And it did no good to deny it because he didn't believe me. He's got it in his head that I hate it and now I don't know what to do about that to convince him otherwise. 

Why does life have to be so hard?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Congratulations on your 12th! Whatever you two are doing, it's worked well enough to keep the doors opened for 12 years. He's an artist and they can be passionate and moody. Whether you go and swoon over his photos or you keep the household running in his absence, you are still supporting his endeavors. For every great magician, there is someone cleaning up rabbit poop. I think every truly great artist has to submerge themselves into their art and that means somebody else takes care of the practical business of life. 
In a way, it's a bit unfair to the support person, but somebody fed Michelangelo and made sure bills were paid. I don't know who that person was, but without them, the world would have missed out. Maybe he's a great artist and maybe he's just an ok photographer with a dream. He needs you and you must be getting something out of it or you wouldn't have lasted this long. Takes all kinds to make a world and maybe you, two hooked up because you need each others' strengths. Twelve years is a big investment. While he's taking shots of Karate heroes, maybe he needs to take a couple days and photograph a real hero, his partner who makes it possible for him to pursue his dreams. I wouldn't worry about him taking shots of other women. He doesn't need them. He does need you.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

stillme4you said:


> I don't know how I can change and be the person he wants me to be


This is a red flag for me. You shouldn't have to change who you are for anyone. 
I understand your jealousy issues. Your husband pours everything into his passion and you are feeling left out. Who wouldn't become resentful & jealous if you weren't getting any of your needs met.

IMO, there needs to be some boundaries set up here or else you two will never have much of a relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Maybe it is time to develop a passion of your own? Think about this one, any chance of MC?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Locard said:


> Maybe it is time to develop a passion of your own? Think about this one, any chance of MC?


Well, see...that's the problem. I have many passions of my own that are on hold because somebody needs to be there for the kids, the house, my elderly parents, and all the rest that life demands. I used to play piano, keyboard, record music, write, make Pysanky...I had many artistic interests. I got so good at Pysanky, I sold hundreds of them on eBay at one point and even considered my own booth in the art fairs and/or a storefront. But there is no room or time for any of that now. All my interests he never showed an interest in and didn't really take serious...and now he's demanding that from me, even though I already do, when I never got the same from him. His passion crowded out all of mine. And I know how that feels to have to give up your passions (to be fair...my passion at the moment is my family and kids) for others which is why I really don't want him to go through that. At least one of us can have their dreams til the kids grow up and can be on their own.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Unbelievable: Thank you! I was very proud that we made it to 12 years until he showed little effort to celebrate it with me. That is kind of what started this whole thing. And believe me...I'm an artist and I know about the moodiness and all of that. I like the picture you painted of cleaning up the rabbit poop.


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