# desperate asking for advice



## joshuagarcia (May 25, 2011)

I wrote alot so if you are willing to help please read all that i wrote. Thank you!






Hi, I am 21 and I am married to a beautiful woman who is 29. We have been together for about 3 and a half years. She has 2 kids 7 and 9, who are both girls. I seem to have this issue which I seem to look at myself like I am stupid for. When me and my wife first started dating, we had sex every second of the day 24/7. Then after about a year we cut it down to about 4 times a day. for about the past year we do it at least once a day. Maybe about 6 or 7 times a week. My wife is what someone might consider a nympho so she is always trying to initiate sex. Now I love her to death she is the most important thing to me, and she is the oldest out of 8 brothers and sisters, and I've known her one brother since I was about 8. I love her to death, Sex with her is fantastic we last about 45 min sometimes an hr or even a few hrs and I couldn't be more satisfied with another person. We seem to have the issue now because I have felonies and I cant look for a job so it bothers me, so technically all I do is Cook, clean, and take care of my family and I'm happy with that and I try my best to make her happy but she loves to have sex with me which is something that I very much enjoy but I dont seem to want to have sex as much as she does if you understand what im saying and I'm usually not in the mood, and she seems to think I want someone else and i really dont. I'd rather spend time with her, do things with her, make her happy and satisfy her in otherways than sex. Sex is something that is really important to her and I understand that but she doesnt understand that i didnt marry her just for the sex. I married her because she is a beautiful person, she has a wonderful heart, and god couldnt have blessed me with someone better even if he tried. She doesnt seem to understand that I love to hold her, or touch her or lay in the bed at night if im not tired and just watch her sleep or make her breakfast or cook for her or do anything that involves her. Things like that is whats important to me, not just sex. The sex we have is great and i dont deny it. But she gets mad at me or gets fustrated because im not in the mood most of the time because i'd rather do more than just sex to make her happy. Even though I married her for her, it really doesnt bother me that she MAY have married me just for the sex because at the end of the day Im the one she is laying next to, im the person she kisses goodnight, and I try to do as much as i can for her (not involving sex) just to show her how much i love and appreciate her...well to cut this short, I am asking, how can i make her understand what i am saying in this paragraph by showing her. I dont want her to think I am cheating on her or looking for someone else. I dont want to lose my marriage because of sex, I want her to understand y i married her, i want her to understand y sex isnt really that important to me....takinng care of her and the kids is. I know a lot of you might say i got married too early or too quick or too young but if you really know how it feels to love someone with every piece of u, with every strength in your power, with all your heart, and you would be a lost soul without that person, than you would understand that i wasnt too young to marry her...what am i doing wrong that she doesnt understand that?
what can i do to make her happy in other ways? we are not rich, so taking her out somewhere is out of the solution. How can i show her how much I seriously seriously and deeply desire her for something other than sex...I WANT HER TO REALIZE HOW MUCH I LOVE HER!!! how can i avoid her getting fustrated or mad because im not in the mood for sex.

sorry if my writing in this seems a little immature and dozing off/passing out trying to keep my eyes open long enough to write this but im trying to explain my situation as best as i can. thank you for reading this and i really would appreciate all the advice you can give me...


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Hi, I often think others write with far more thought than I do but I was so amazed by your post I had to reply... If you've been on TAM at all you'll know there's a load of women out here who would give their right arm for someone to write what you wrote. To have someone NOT want you ONLY for sex (ok so loads of men don't only, but the perception is there), to have someone WANT to show their love in other more mundane but meaningful ways, to have someone SO keen for their woman to know just how much they love them............. wow!
OK maybe there's some immaturity in you, but if you've taken on someone with two kids and that's not the main focus of your 'problem' you can't be doing all bad!
I'm guessing (don't think you gave any back history of your wife) that maybe she didn't have a great relationship before, or didn't have great sex, or both... either way she's got a new, keen, loving, younger man and the fact you're younger may be relevant!
Me? I'd just show her your post. If she loves you she'll understand the way you wrote it and the way you felt and the way you feel, and be proud of you for taking the step of putting it into words. 
Good luck


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

If you had sex with her a ton before marriage and now you claim not in the mood, what do you think she would think?

We call that bait and switch, only it is usually the woman who does this.

You feel like a piece of meat to her. But she hasn't changed. Now you want to say she may have married you for sex.

Her love language is touch. You have other needs and you don't feel sexy after doing housework all day.

You have to stop presuming you know what she is doing and why, and she must do the same for you. This is about trust. You changed the game and she is afraid. You changed, and she didn't change accordingly and you feel used.

You have to talk and believe what one another says is the truth. And, you have to meet in the middle on frequency.

If you can't do it on your own, see a marriage counseller. You two can work this out. Try not to fret.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Go to Home - Five Love Languages and take the free quiz with your wife. Share your results. Your wife sounds like most men. She experiences and expresses love through sex. Telling her you don't want to have sex is like telling her you don't want to tell her that you love her.

The quiz should give each of you some insight into each others' needs. Your wife needs to understand that sometimes you need a quiet conversation and you have to understand that she needs sex.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You should not be expected to get flack for not having sex with your wife multiple times a day. The initial infatuation of a new relationship and the frequent sex that goes along with it settles down a bit as relationships mature. That is normal and to be expected.

You sound like a great husband. I would show her the message. She may feel like you are rejecting HER instead of just not wanting sex and may be taking int personally. She may have been taught growing up that sex is the only want to show love. 

I would ignore the comment about a "bait and switch". It was harsh and unhelpful. 

Relationships CHANGE all the time, that is normal. Nobody is going to stay stagnant in their marriage and that is a good thing. You just need to learn how to communicate to your wife and she needs to communicate to you about what she is feeling when you are not in the mood for sex. It's not like you are never having sex. To be honest, I am not sure how you manage to have it 5-6 days a week with two young kids in the house, but that is very high frequency.

Your wife may have other issues that are compelling her to have sex 4-5 times a day, every day. That is a lot, lot, lot. She may be using sex as a coping mechanism with that frequency, who knows. 

So I would start with showing her the note and then see what she says. She owes it to you to be honest.


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