# I need some loving!!!!!



## Broken_Angel (Feb 21, 2010)

i apologise in advance if this post is a bit long but i feel i should give some background so you can see the full picture...

my husband and i have been married for 3 years almost. after 10 months of marraige he left me for what i thought was not reason. it wasnt until about 6 months later that i found out that the reason he left me was because he was having an affair.. (the horrible b***h he was seeing rang me and told me all about it). i confronted him, he admitted it, i shouted, screamed, cried and finally decided that i wanted to make my marraige work so i gave him a second chance. 
i had expected things to be strained, and for a while they were, but they got better. we got much much closer and our sex life became electric, with us trying new things and living out fantasies, as i felt the best way to make sure this doesnt happen again is to be sure i was pleasing my man.

Fast forward to now.... and we have problems.

we hadnt been intimate since before christmas and i was feeling very lonley. every time i made advances towards him he would just push me away. i felt very low and could not understand why this was happening. he wouldnt talk about it so i was just left wondering. it wasnt until recently he told me that he couldnt be intimate with me as he didnt trust me.
i have always been a flirty person, it is just in my nature, and my husband has always been very insecure (not a good mix i know) but my first thought was if he was worried that i was going to go elswhere for sex he should be doing all he can to stop that happening ie. he should be giving it to me??

before he told me this was the reason, a very attrative man i work with showed an interest in me.... it was flattering and i enjoyed knowing i was still desirable to the opposite sex (which woman doesnt). then one day when we were in the lift he kissed me!!!! and i didnt stop him at first. then i realised that this was very wrong as i am married (despite the fact that i havent had affection from my husband in so long). so i told the man that we must never do that again and just remain friends, which worked out well for a little while.

then my husband found out a few things and it all came spilling out... the kiss the phone calls the naughty pics sent and recieved, i told him everything. he shouted screamed cried and finally decided he would give me a second chance (the roles had now reversed). except what followed was very different

he now wont have sex with me at all. 

he says that he wants me to prove that i can live without sex and show him i love him without it being sexual ie. kisses and cuddles etc.
i love kisses and cuddes but i need to be intimate with the man i love.. i dont NEED sex, i just need to be intimate wth him. 

everytime i try to go near him he pushes me away, and says that i need to give him reassurance that i can live without sex. 

but why should i have to??? i didnt have sex with this other man, and i never would, i was just flattered by the attention.

how can i make my husband see that if he continues to push me away he will push me into the arms of another man? someone who will want to be intimate with me??

now you can see my problem. i would appreciate any advice i can get, from both male and female points of view.. xx


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## WILLARD (Mar 11, 2010)

Seems you have a very strained relationship after just 3 years. I know everybody says that 3, 5, and 7 years are milestones. First thought after reading your story was - what did you see in each other in the first place. There seems to be a lot of baggage lying around. 

Seems some quiet time is needed to sit down and sort the good and bad from the heap of problems. You say nothing about children...and I hope that thought does not cross your mind soon. If you want to triple your problems - get pregnant.

Only one person ultimately matters - YOU.

Stay apart for a few days. See what happens. Sex for the sake of sex is not doing anyone any good. Let us know what happens.


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## Broken_Angel (Feb 21, 2010)

no children... thank the lord!! i keep suggesting time apart, as i think this is what we both need to work out if we really want to carry on with this, but he just wont go for it. 

i forgot to mention that there is also a 20 year age gap between us. he is 40 something and im 20 something. but that has never been a problem before. 

it was love at first sight. but it all happened very quick. slept with him first night we met, moved in after 2weeks and maried after 8 months. i know that the fact that it was so quick has caused alot of the problems but it is done now and we cant change that. just want to know how to get through this.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> it was love at first sight. but it all happened very quick. slept with him first night we met, moved in after 2weeks and maried after 8 months. i know that the fact that it was so quick has caused alot of the problems but it is done now and we cant change that. just want to know how to get through this


No wonder he's insecure.

You're flirty and slept with him the first night.

What if is he was flirty?

This relationship doesn't sound too grown-up and that's what I would work on for the both of you. You both sound very impulsive.


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## Flanders (Feb 26, 2010)

You could just have an open relationship or find some swingers in your area, or hit a massage parlor together.


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## Broken_Angel (Feb 21, 2010)

me being flirty has never went anywhere other than flirting. and it has never been in front of his face. i feel very suffocated at times. until is affair i never even looked at another man, he was my whole world and i love him so much i felt like my heart would burst. but when he did that it broke me. i thought i could handle it but i soon found that trying to keep it bottled up and not talk about it (his choice not mine) made it worse. 

but i think this is clouding the issue. 

how can i make him realise that i am not going to do that again? and that he can trust me again. and make him want to be intimate with me?

i feel like it is all on his terms but when it was the other way round and i was hurting by what he did i just had to move on and deal with it but he wont. and what he did was 1million tims worse. he was in a relationship with someone behind my back and told her he loved her. i just kissed another man. surely i have more reason to be insecure than him???



and what makes you think an open relationship would work??? surely that would just add fuel to the fire???


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

"I need some loving!!!!!"

Me too ...call me hahahaha

Dont let H use the situation and your already existing pain from lack of intimacy against you to put you in your place or keep you down.. thats dispicable, immature and egotistical....

If its that bad you're willing to engage with someone else...he needs to realize in short order that ignoring you or trying to control you will 100% lead to separation and divorce its not even really a question.. thats where its headed.

You need to get him to settle down. set the ego aside, stop being a caveman and get to counseling to get professional help getting eveyrthing on the table in a constructive manner.


If he refuses that? he's refusing you....
period.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

63Vino said:


> Dont let H use the situation and your already existing pain from lack of intimacy against you to put you in your place or keep you down.. thats dispicable, immature and egotistical....
> 
> If its that bad you're willing to engage with someone else...he needs to realize in short order that ignoring you or trying to control you will 100% lead to separation and divorce its not even really a question.. thats where its headed.
> 
> ...



:iagree: 

If you are like this now, wait till you hit your 40's and turn into a "Cougar", you may think this age difference is not a problem but will he be able to keep up with you when he is 60 something & you are in your Prime sexually? 

I would not stand for this behavior NOW ,you both made mistakes, things are more than equal. He really needs to understand his way of going about this will only further hurt you and him.


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## Broken_Angel (Feb 21, 2010)

its all just got so much worse.

after a long discussion the other day about how we need to move on from all of this, he went on a rant last night and told me he wanted to see my phone bills since 1st jan to prove i have told him everything and that if i dont give him them he will find them anyway.

thing is, even if i wanted to leave i cant. i have no where else to go and im no in a fnancial position to go it alone, and he knows that. 

so im stuck with a controlling possessive H that will not let me breath without questioning it. 

i honestly think that he is only not giving me sex so that i can prove that im not going to go elswhere for it, but he is playing a dangerous game.
he is pushing me to do that and i will just snap and do it. then he has lost "the best thing that ever happene to him" as he says.

i just wish someone could make him realise that he is on the verge of losing it all.

i have suggested counselling many times and he wont do it!!!


AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

im so p****d off with it all


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Me too call me!!! ahahah love the title of this thread.

I dont think you should just go out and do something to relieve yourself or "show him your in charge".

Seems like he's willing to escalate this into more anger. So he wont give you any attention and it freaked out that you may have attention from somewhere else? classic.

You dont have ANYwhere else to go? Friends. family nothing?
Dont be afraid to be a burden on your loved ones. Thats nobile and all but, thats also why they are friends, family member and loved ones.

And even if you live meagerly you can still survive on your own.
Stop fighting with him and just be matter of fact, about what you want and what is going to take place.. then execute your plan.


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## Broken_Angel (Feb 21, 2010)

i just text him before and told him that it stops now or i walk. 

harsh but i think its the only way that he is going to realise that he is not going to bully me all of my life.

and im glad you like my title. telling mt to call you is a bad idea when im in the kind of mood im trying to gt out of!!!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Broken_Angel said:


> i just text him before and told him that it stops now or i walk.
> 
> harsh but i think its the only way that he is going to realise that he is not going to bully me all of my life.
> 
> ...


or IS it? hahaha


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Broken_Angel said:


> i just text him before and told him that it stops now or i walk.
> 
> harsh but i think its the only way that he is going to realise that he is not going to bully me all of my life.
> 
> and im glad you like my title. telling mt to call you is a bad idea when im in the kind of mood im trying to gt out of!!!


Btw.. that text is harsh... how bout

"Listen... I really feel bad and unloved. Your lack of intimacy with me is the one thing i crave and you have taken it away. Why? This has hurt me too much and I am literally at the end of my rope, won't you work with me to get us back on track? If you dont want to work with me then i am going to go now. This is hurting too much. Thanks for all the good times but...this is too bad for me."

non confrontational.. if you're confrontational ... from him, you're surely going to get it back and then some.


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## Broken_Angel (Feb 21, 2010)

the text didnt just say sort it out and im gone it was more like....

i tld you last night that we need to draw a line under all of this and move on. i have been honest with you about everything but you still chose to question me. im being nothing but faithful to you now. i made mistakes and i am well and truly paying for them now. if you cant move on from this now then i cant stay and put up with this.this has to stop or we both walk away. its your choice. xx

in response to a really really horrible one i got from him first!!!!

im too tired to fight for this now.

or IS it? ... explain. x


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## Broken_Angel (Feb 21, 2010)

i have just started to cry.

the realistion that my marriage is going to be over has just hit me.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Hey - welcome to the roller coaster ride. I've been on it for 10 months now - thought my marriage was over many times. But somehow - for better or worse - we're both still trying to work on things.

One thing to keep in mind is that you should never give an ultimatum that you aren't willing to stand behind and follow through on.

And when things are at their worst, stop and ask yourself why you would be so upset about losing something that is making you feel so lousy.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Am I the only one who sees this very differently? He cheated, you gave him second chance. You cheated and he is giving you a second chance. Plus, you say you are flirty and its never "gone anywhere" but that contradicts what happened when you cheated... a flirt turned into a kiss before you stopped it... and texts and pictures???? Thats more. I believe he should have known better than to cheat the first time, you should have been on higher alert so that your cheating wouldnt happen. Bad mix of temperments. 

The only way this can work is by completely putting the past behind you and staying true to your promises... I actually think he is wise to take a sex break... you should take a flirt break as well. Both of you need to prove that you wont cheat. If you have sex right now, he is going to be wondering if you are still flirting. He is trying to communicate a negative reinforcement of your flirt/cheating. Im a high sex drive person, but I have to agree with your husband on this one. I take a marriage vow seriously in terms of cheating.... and knowing you are flirtatious, you should be on extra guard so that it doesnt get taken to the next level.

I think the marriage being over is a good thing before you had kids, painful now, yes, but good in the long run. You will grow, and learn. Take care.


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