# divorce: Is it inevitably? /transgender girl/



## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Hello everyone, I'm a stealth transgender girl - a person, who act and looks like a female, and pretend to be female, but have a male biological sex, and don't disclose it to her environment, including employer, friends, etc. I'm looking for a relationship advice.

As far as I see, it's very famous to hate transgenders in 2022 - our society turned to a very conservative today. If you hate people like me, could you please ignore this thread? If, anyway, you don't want to ignore it, before you leave a hateful message, just one last attempt:
I do not support transgender women in sport, I never visited any LGBT pride, or even LGBT club, and in real life I pretend, that I'm just a straight female - if we work together in one office, or if I am your neighbour, you would probably see in me a normal person - I mean a natural girl. Also, I pay taxes like you and trying to be helpful for a society. If it's not enough to ignore this thread for you, then go ahead and feel free to write me something angry, but please skip what I wrote below - it's for people who could probably really advice me something. Thank you very much, my conservative haters.

So, as I said, I'm a TG girl. I'm 37 y.old, I'm married - my husband knows who I am, but his parents and friends are not - I live in the stealth. We're 6 years together, and we're immigrants. We married in our home country. About 6 month ago, we separated our budgets, but decided to try to save our family. Also, in about 2 months ago, the only relative which accept me, died. Other relatives, like my father, ready to kill me and go into jail, if ever see me again. So, technically, I'm alone in the world. I have only 4 friends outside the internet(and about ~100 in my home country) and my husband. And we about divorced.

There are multiple reasons of it :
First, he wants to return to his home country. Second, we're not good fit in terms of sex. In previous relationships I didn't have this problem(I don't know is it important or not, but I have a bottom surgery). Last time, we had sex 4 months ago. Because of forum's rules I'm not going to disclose additional details.
Second, in the past, we had a lot of common hobbies - like science, like reading, like cycling, like board games. We visited a lot of science-related events in the past, watched hundreds of youtube videos together, discussed a lot of topics, etc. But last year, he abandoned them all, and only watch political videos on a YouTube. Mostly conservative commentators (and I'm surprised that he was vaxed and boosted like me, because look like he believes in a couple of conspiracy theories. But his hobbies in science helps him to overall keep a clean mind about it). I tried to join, but each time when I comment something, he become angry. But even If I don't watch this content, he wants to discuss it with me, and easy become angry if I say something what he is not agree. What angry means? Well, he destroyed, since this year, 2 my computer monitors, one my smartphone and one e-ink reader which I really loved. Also, he beat me several times(I guess, about 20 times?) - not very hard, never punched me in the face, but I had a lot of bruises after it. Also, once, he used kitchen knife and stashed my arm. But later, said a lot of sorry after it. I have a scar in it after this. Also, he punched me once by his leg in my leg, it was very painful, but for me, it was no any trauma. But he claims, that he is still feel a pain in his leg, and claim, that it's my fault. Probably it's a joke, kinda of post-irony, but I am not sure about it.

We had an American dream, we wanted to buy a house, have pets, etc. I always had a hope to adopt a child. But we never discussed it with husband. My mom-in-law is very conservative, Christian woman. When we lived in our home country, I'm really afraid of her. Right now, and even a couple of years ago, she tends to send me messages in WhatsApp like "save sex is a sin" - it's a cringe, and maybe I have to show it to my husband, but I'm ashamed to do this. Especially because it's her way to let me know that she's waiting a baby, which I can't bear. We're former colleagues with my husband, and first half of year he didn't know that I'm kinda of Frankenstein. When we started to be friends, and start to feel a chemistry, I made a coming out. He accepted me, and I told him, that I hate to be this, and asked him to pretend that I'm just a girl - forget this forever. So, we really rare discuss trans issues, and even less rare discuss my trans-related issues. It's reason why I never reported him these messages of his mom.

Our couple were semi-conservative(and I always liked it): we both worked, but kitchen was only my, apartment cleaning, apartment style etc, was only my. Also, it's mostly me managed meetings with our, my and his friends. But husband always did things like assemble furniture. Since we separated budgets, nothing is changed here from my side. In the most cases my husband buy a food component to prepare something. He said, because I'm against to return to home country, where national food is more common, it could be right if I still prepare it. I'm not against it, because I love to cook, especially to cook for somebody, and because I want to make something good for him, to maybe fix our relationships. But he stopped to do anything what is related to things which is difficult to do for me - because I'm artificial, but a girl, with a real gender dysphoria before I transitioned in 17, always were feminine in the behaviour. So, I have problems with my table (and it not fully prevents my remote work, but often force me to go into office and stay here more than usual), with my desktop (which he helped to fix in the past, and which has problems right now because he punched it - it tends to overheat).
Also, because of death of my relative, I spend a lot of my money (after we separated our budgets), and right now I have 4 thousands dollars debt in my credit card (with a limit 15,000). I have some money in the pension plan, but don't want to touch it. I expected to get annual bonus in my work, but it is not happened, because my environment became very stressful and no longer make me happy. I hope, I am not lost my work because of underperformance. My husband has no any problems with money, he is programmer in FAANG corporation.


Furthermore, I still fill chemistry for my husband, but I feel like somebody else stolen his personality. He changed so much. I time to time think, maybe he has a brain tumour? Or maybe it's kinda of post-covid effects(but he is probably never got a covid or even cold - in the last couple of years)? How do you think, is it any chance if he stops to be so involved in the politics? And return to our common habits/hobbies? - BTW he believes that West is going to lose for China, and it's reason why he wants to return. And I don't want to return, because I'm worried about trans rights in my home country. I am not sure if it will be possible to live there in the stealth mode.


I don't want to divorce, because it was so much good in the past, and because I still believe in our common dreams. Also, if he changed because of covid/brain tumour or something like this, it could be a betrayal to leave him alone. Especially, because I'm not believe in the medicine in our home county. He wanted to by tickets back three times in last half of year, but each time, when I asked him before leave a work (his employer don't have office in our home country) to help me move into a trash can some heavy stuff which is related to our memory, he always changed his mind, because he is probably feel pain about it.
Also, half of year ago, instead of call me kitty, he started to call me a snake. But 3 weeks ago, he started to call me a helminth, and it hurts me each time, I cry. But we still sleep in one bed. And he hugs me sometimes (not every night like year ago or early).


Also, I am not sure if my "value" in the "dating market" is above of zero. There are a lot of girls, which can bear, more yang, more beautiful, etc. I'm not very beautiful, maybe among of transgirls I look more than good. But not among of real girls. The only thing which is beautiful in me is maybe legs. It's not enough. I'm passing is female, but it means nothing, because half of mankind passing as female. There are a lot of fetishists who looking for girls like me, but they don't want a relationship, a family (also, they always want something strange in terms of sex, and probably I'm not something what they're looking for, i'm too old-fashion for this(also they want transgirls without bottom surgery). But in the another hand, maybe I'm too pessimistic - in 2022, two guys(one in a bike track, another in board game club) asked my phone, and I'm free or not.


Another problem is, my friends don't know about me. I'm usually shopping together with them, discuss their relationship issues, etc. I am not sure if I tell them everything, that I keep them as friends. As I said, in my home country I had several transgenders friends, but I don't want to go back. I expect, If I divorce, they want to help me and try to date me with somebody. But I can't do this, because this skeleton in my closet.


In the theory, I like tall, brazen, clever, and kind (like my husband in the past) educated guys. But it's too high grade for me. I expect, if I divorce, I'll be forever alone, and what I can do in this case - make adopt a child.


Thank you guys for your attention, I hope, you can advice me something.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Do you have a job?

Do you have body insecurities?

If yes, then take a look at this agency:






Transgender Reassignment Surgery & Therapy | International Center for Transgender Care


International Center for Transgender Care's mission is to provide the best holistic therapy and surgery options for the transgender community.



thetranscenter.com





They can help you get in good shape and more.

Your frame of mind is not good and your abusive husband did not help.

You should accept divorce and focus on YOU.

You have personal insecurities to address before you leap to another relationship.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Look, my in-laws are flaming commies... they have a fit when I burn my wife's weekly trash truck load of Amazon boxes because they won't all fit in our recycling bin. They cringe when I don't vaccinate my kids. My father in-law wouldn't even shake my hand when he was leaving from Thanksgiving dinner because I wasn't vaccinated. I could go on and on... and so could every other human in the history of the world about their in-laws. It happens. You just have to deal with it... if your significant other is worth the price of admission. 

Sorry your in-laws don't approve of your 'type'... you should understand that it comes with the territory. Seek counseling. 



redHairs said:


> ... in 2022 - our society turned to a very conservative today.


I couldn't eye roll harder.

Our society is SOOO conservative that our health care provider/ insurer will pay for sex reassignment surgery but NOT for help with fertility treatment when we needed it. 


My one piece of advice is to ponder this question... maybe for eternity:

If you can't accept yourself then why did you change? 

If you fully accepted what you have done to yourself... you wouldn't hide in the shadows and live a fake life. 

Ponder this and seek counseling.

Best of luck


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Out of all that stuff you wrote, there is really only one thing that matters and that is that your husband beats and slashes you. You must not bring children into that home with that abuser.

Just because your husband used to be nicer doesn't mean he ever will be again. The longer you know someone the better you know the real person. People are all acting better when they first meet someone they're interested in because they're trying to make a good impression, but they can only keep that up for so long.

You need to get two jobs since you don't have children and move out and get a divorce from this abuser. He will never ever change back to who he was before when he was interested enough in you to try to impress you and behave.

And he is becoming more conservative, and one facet of being a conservative in 2022 is they take a stand on the trans issue. I voted for Trump but I have no problem with trans people, but most of them seem to.

I only care about you like I care about every other person, and I am telling you you need to get out of this abusive relationship before he kills you or put you in the hospital. Get two jobs save up some money and get out. If you don't have any kids then you can go wherever you want and he can go wherever he wants.

Good luck.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Out of all that stuff you wrote, there is really only one thing that matters and that is that your husband beats and slashes you. You must not ring children into that phone with that abuser.
> 
> Just because your husband used to be nicer doesn't mean he ever will be again. The longer you know someone the better you know the real person. People are all acting better when they first meet someone they're interested in because they're trying to make a good impression that they can only keep that up for so long.
> 
> ...


Agree 100%. There is no conversation to be had in which a physically abused person remains with the abuser. It’s a non-starter. A sign of two people with very severe issues, and those issues for the abused will carry forward if therapy isn’t sought.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

And therapy would only work on him if it was him wanting to change which is unlikely and if it was very long therapy. Meanwhile she needs to get out of that house.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Thanks guys for answers,



LeGenDary_Man said:


> Do you have a job?


Yes. But I can lose it, because stressed environment cause my underperformance. I've not received annual bonus, despite fact, that until 2021, ~October I went very well. And my manager is not happy about my current work.



LeGenDary_Man said:


> Do you have body insecurities?


I don't know



LeGenDary_Man said:


> Your frame of mind is not good


Exactly



LeGenDary_Man said:


> and your abusive husband did not help.
> You should accept divorce and focus on YOU.


I think, if I find myself alone, my state of mind can be even worse 



DownByTheRiver said:


> And therapy would only work on him if it was him wanting to change which is unlikely and if it was very long therapy. Meanwhile she needs to get out of that house.





Casual Observer said:


> Agree 100%. There is no conversation to be had in which a physically abused person remains with the abuser.


He never beat me really hard. Only knife episode was terrible and possibly could be dangerous (but I not sure). But, before these things changed, he not beat me at all  

I think, these things happen, because politics is very sensitive topics for people, and because they can easy lost a control. Because he lost all hobbies, excluding politics, he wants to discuss political issues with me, and if I not agree with something, he easily become angry 
I believe, if he abandons politics and turned back to his past habits, everything should be OK  
What else is important, I read, that personality changes like this could be related to medical issues like brain tumor. In this case, if I divorce, it could be not only emotionally disaster for me, it also could be a betrayal of person, who is my family and I owe be together with him not only in good time, but in the bad too.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> My one piece of advice is to ponder this question... maybe for eternity:
> 
> If you can't accept yourself then why did you change?


OK. Despite I asked to not come & comment, you decided that you should. OK. I'll explain, even if I don't want to. From my perspective, gender dysphoria is a medical problem, and transition is only proven way to heal it, and conversion therapy has no proofs to work. And I even saw it myself - my parents in my home country tried it(and it was the darkest time in my life), but it's not related to this conversation at all.

If it's health issue, then it's not fully related to my current problems. Well, it's related, because I'm kinda of broken/definitely not the best option for guys in "dating market", because I can't bear, etc. But it's not a question of "accepting yourself". do you ask a person with a heart disease, accept them their self, or not? Maybe you ask if installing a heart implant is a mistake, and better to unplug it? Yeah, transition is not fully solve a problem, but it's the best what is possible for people with a gender dysphoria. Better to be a bit disabled person (like can't bear) but alive, than commit to suicide (which I wanted to before transition).
And maybe you don't believe, but I was really happy in the past. Today I'm not, but it's not happen because I transitioned.




Rooster Cogburn said:


> Our society is SOOO conservative that our health care provider/ insurer will pay for sex reassignment surgery but NOT for help with fertility treatment when we needed it.


It's not a society, it's government's stuff. But about of half of society is very conservative, and in 2022 hates people like me. I tried to discuss my issues in other places on the internet, and received a lot of hateful messages, or my thread was deleted.
OK, maybe It's my fault, and my disclaimer triggers people too. Could you pls confirm it? Maybe better to delete it? 
Or rewrite it somehow?


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> Sorry your in-laws don't approve of your 'type'... you should understand that it comes with the territory. Seek counseling.


Looks like it was not clear: my mom-in-law doesn't know that I'm a transgender. She believes I'm a just girl. I think, my transition is not related here. What is related, it's a fact, that I can't bear, and she doesn't know it yet. And she wants children. Lucky, husband usually ignores religious stuff what she usually spoke for him - he is atheist. When we lived in home country ignoring her were more difficult, because she could go to our home (couple of times without invitation). But right now, after our emigration, she can only send me these messages in WhatsApp. These messages make me sad, but it's not the main my problem.
Well, I'm not fully ignoring her. I time to time send her photos of husband or our video/photos together. But I ignore these religions nonsense which she likes to send me about sins, etc.
My Father-in-law is more looks like a normal person. But he doesn't know too. We barely know each other (met in real life three times).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redHairs said:


> Thanks guys for answers,
> 
> 
> Yes. But I can lose it, because stressed environment cause my underperformance. I've not received annual bonus, despite fact, that until 2021, ~October I went very well. And my manager is not happy about my current work.
> ...


Has he had a head injury? He's abusive and it really doesn't matter what his excuses because he is dangerous and you should not be in the house with him.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Has he had a head injury?


No. But he has hand tremor. By his idea, it's related to Coca-Cola (zero calories but with caffeine) and claims, that when he is not drink Coca-Cola, he doesn't have it. But I am not sure about it. I think, it could be related somehow to health of his brain, because of personality changes.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Another problem is, I can't cry about it in the real life. If I tell all this **** to my friends, they just report my husband to cops, and it finally destroys our family. And he will have problems in the future. Also, friends is not a family. They can't replace it. I think, people often loose friends if you stop to be happy, and start to cry them so often. I think, if I divorce, I can't pretend to be happy like I try to do now. And then I can be alone in just an entire world. 
Ah, and if it's real health problem with my husband, how can I forgive myself to betray him?


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

redHairs said:


> Thanks guys for answers,


You're welcome.



redHairs said:


> Yes. But I can lose it, because stressed environment cause my underperformance. I've not received annual bonus, despite fact, that until 2021, ~October I went very well. And my manager is not happy about my current work.


Well, this is NOT GOOD for you, right?

You need to find a way to reduce stress in your life. Ask yourself that HOW you can do this. Identify the "source."

Perhaps your "relationship problems" are the cause?



redHairs said:


> I don't know


Maybe?



redHairs said:


> Exactly


So how will you FIX this problem? Individual Counseling will do?

You are NOT ready for a new relationship. Understand this.

You need to work on yourself FIRST and FOREMOST.



redHairs said:


> I think, if I find myself alone, my state of mind can be even worse
> 
> 
> He never beat me really hard. Only knife episode was terrible and possibly could be dangerous (but I not sure). But, before these things changed, he not beat me at all
> ...


Is he not divorcing you?

Can you afford a [house on rent] with your own income? It does not have to be big or expensive - just good enough for your needs.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redHairs said:


> No. But he has hand tremor. By his idea, it's related to Coca-Cola (zero calories but with caffeine) and claims, that when he is not drink Coca-Cola, he doesn't have it. But I am not sure about it. I think, it could be related somehow to health of his brain, because of personality changes.


If you think he might have a tumor or something he needs to go get a head scan.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you think he might have a tumor or something he needs to go get a head scan.


Despite he is atheist, and (at lease were) open-minded and rational, it was always very difficult to send him to doctor. When it was everything perfect between of us, it could take months to remind him every day that he needs to go to doctor about something, like his tooth or even result of falling down from a bicycle (he had an arm trauma ~5 years ago, and it took from me about of three months to send him to doctor)


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Out of all that stuff you wrote, there is really only one thing that matters and that is that your husband beats and slashes you.





redHairs said:


> He never beat me really hard. Only knife episode was terrible and possibly could be dangerous (but I not sure).


I agree with DBTR. The only thing that matters here is that he's dangerous. "He never beat me really hard" is what victims say, before they get beaten really hard. 

*You need to start creating your escape plan.*


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Perhaps your "relationship problems" are the cause?


Of course



LeGenDary_Man said:


> So how will you FIX this problem?


I don't know



LeGenDary_Man said:


> Is he not divorcing you?


He suggested it 4 times in last half of year and I asked him to not ruins our family and that good and romantic what was between of us.



LeGenDary_Man said:


> Can you afford a [house on rent] with your own income?


Not calculated it yet. In the theory, I have a good credit score, probably I can just use my credit card and wait my next salary. But it's in the theory. I not sure how to destroy my family and be OK after it; Also, if it's finally health problems of brain of my husband - it's a betrayal, isn't it? I have moral obligations to help him in the situation like this. Especially because if it's something serious, in the home country (and it's one of reasons why we argue, he wants to return) nobody could heal it. 
I think, if we divorce, he will go back, and leave me this apartment. But I'm sure I can't live here alone, it's too big, and it's a lot of common memories, but will be empty. 
I think, he also doesn't like to work in corporation. You have here a good income, but they look in you as you kinda of screw of the business machine. It also affects his mental conditions, and maybe another reason why he watches so many political videos on YouTube. Or maybe reason is different, I don't know.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> The only thing that matters here is that he's dangerous. "He never beat me really hard" is what victims say, before they get beaten really hard.


I tried to find a statistics about it, but can't. Maybe in some cases it never happened? Because "beating not hard" should be underreported, and we should face here with a Survivorship bias . Because of course, in the theory, if he kills me, it could be awful for both of us. But destroying a family and possible betray a most important person in my life - it could be bad too.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redHairs said:


> Despite he is atheist, and (at lease were) open-minded and rational, it was always very difficult to send him to doctor. When it was everything perfect between of us, it could take months to remind him every day that he needs to go to doctor about something, like his tooth or even result of falling down from a bicycle (he had an arm trauma ~5 years ago, and it took from me about of three months to send him to doctor)


So nothing you can do, but you shouldn't be living with an abuser. You need to wake up and take care of yourself. He'll never get help. And that's typical of this type.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

redHairs said:


> I think, if I find myself alone, my state of mind can be even worse


it's very common for victims of domestic violence to be isolated. Often the abuser ensures that the victim is isolated. Since his family does not know that you are trans, you being trans could not be the issue they have with you. I wonder if he has said things to them, complainting ouot you, etc, to ensure that they don't like you so that you don't have them as a support system.

You are being abused and need to get away from the situation. I understand your concern about not having friends and/or family as a support system. The trick is that you need to start building a support system.

Check out organizations that provide support and counseling for victims of abuse. Besides one-on-one counseling, try to find a support group. A group is a very good way to start making friends.

For example, I have a very good friend who I met in 1996 when I was attending a support group for victims of domestic violence. We had children of the same age. Were dealing with the same issues... husbands who were abusive, lying, and cheating. We've been great friends since.

Also, what sorts of things do you like to do? You can find groups that engage in those joint them. Check out the site *Meetup - We are what we do*. Search in the area where you live. Find things to do where you can meet people.

Look for a trans support group.

Basically, start putting yourself first. Take care of you. At some point hopefully you will grow to be emotionally strong enough to get out of the dangerous situation you are now in.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

redHairs said:


> Of course


You are putting your career prospects and well-being at risk by NOT attempting to change your situation.



redHairs said:


> I don't know


You cannot improve your frame of mind _*until*_ you are at peace with yourself and in a healthy living environment FREE from abuse.



redHairs said:


> He suggested it 4 times in last half of year and I asked him to not ruins our family and that good and romantic what was between of us.


He is doing you a favor but you refuse to take it.

You may loose your job and become completely dependent upon him for your needs if you choose to continue on this path. He might resent you and abuse you even more under these circumstances. What will you do in this situation then?



redHairs said:


> Not calculated it yet. In the theory, I have a good credit score, probably I can just use my credit card and wait my next salary. But it's in the theory. I not sure how to destroy my family and be OK after it; Also, if it's finally health problems of brain of my husband - it's a betrayal, isn't it? I have moral obligations to help him in the situation like this. Especially because if it's something serious, in the home country (and it's one of reasons why we argue, he wants to return) nobody could heal it.
> I think, if we divorce, he will go back, and leave me this apartment. But I'm sure I can't live here alone, it's too big, and it's a lot of common memories, but will be empty.
> I think, he also doesn't like to work in corporation. You have here a good income, but they look in you as you kinda of screw of the business machine. It also affects his mental conditions, and maybe another reason why he watches so many political videos on YouTube. Or maybe reason is different, I don't know.


You should consult a lawyer to find out what you stand to gain from your divorce. Do this to be "aware" at minimum.

Are you EQUIPPED to help your husband in person? Your "relationship problems" are taking a toll on YOU instead.

You need to find out which organization can help your husband.









Housing


One of the biggest issues some people with mental illness face is the availability of housing. For many people, having a mental health condition has no impact on their housing. Most people can and do live independently in apartments or in their own homes. For others, the cascading effects of...




www.mhanational.org













Homelessness Resources: Housing and Shelter


Transitional or supportive housing and homeless shelters can help stabilize people with mental health issues and substance use disorders who are experiencing homelessness.




www.samhsa.gov





Contact these agencies and discuss your husband's mental condition with each. Find out what they can do for your husband.

Provide an update here after you do the above.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

redHairs said:


> Hello everyone, I'm a stealth transgender girl - a person, who act and looks like a female, and pretend to be female, but have a male biological sex, and don't disclose it to her environment, including employer, friends, etc. I'm looking for a relationship advice.


Stealth transgender? I'm guessing you're from Asia? Thailand?












redHairs said:


> As far as I see, it's very famous to hate transgenders in 2022 - our society turned to a very conservative today. If you hate people like me, could you please ignore this thread? If, anyway, you don't want to ignore it, before you leave a hateful message, just one last attempt:
> I do not support transgender women in sport, I never visited any LGBT pride, or even LGBT club, and in real life I pretend, that I'm just a straight female - if we work together in one office, or if I am your neighbour, you would probably see in me a normal person - I mean a natural girl. Also, I pay taxes like you and trying to be helpful for a society. If it's not enough to ignore this thread for you, then go ahead and feel free to write me something angry, but please skip what I wrote below - it's for people who could probably really advice me something. Thank you very much, my conservative haters.


I'm probably guilty of voicing my rather strong opinions about the LGBT insanity happening in your country, but it's not hate towards you or transgenders as a people, unless it's someone like William "Lia" Thomas who forces himself in women's change rooms with a penis or the gazillion pronouns when all the transgenders I've met or worked with were simply happy with he/she/they and didn't impose on anyone. In the end, we all want to live in peace. 

I'm sorry you are in the crossfire of this culture war and quite frankly those who claim to be on your side with LGBT are doing everything to encourage hate forcing women to endure predatory men who simply claim to be transgender and not transition. Please don't take conservative commentators as personal attacks here or offline, I'm not even a conservative, I just want people to adopt some common sense and I know others feel the same.

However despite this, after reading your story, as much as I hate what the whole LGBT organisations and lobbyists and what they are doing to your country.

I believe they are actually your best hope for a support network right now. Seek them out.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redHairs said:


> Another problem is, I can't cry about it in the real life. If I tell all this **** to my friends, they just report my husband to cops, and it finally destroys our family. And he will have problems in the future. Also, friends is not a family. They can't replace it. I think, people often loose friends if you stop to be happy, and start to cry them so often. I think, if I divorce, I can't pretend to be happy like I try to do now. And then I can be alone in just an entire world.
> Ah, and if it's real health problem with my husband, how can I forgive myself to betray him?


Look, you are someone afraid to be alone. But it's much better than being with an abuser. Your friends are right to report him. Can you possibly get start therapy with a psychologist online? Your thinking is not straight.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I have absolutely nothing against transgender people - stealth or not - and I would like to say just one thing to you: please, leave the abuser. You don't really know what might happen next.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> I wonder if he has said things to them, complainting ouot you, etc, to ensure that they don't like you so that you don't have them as a support system.


He is not such bad person. Maybe basing in my messages he looks this way, but it's not a true. He always - in the past - was a very kind person. He had problems with anger management, it's part of his nature, but politics is very sensitive topic. Because in the past he was not so involved in this, we had no reasons to confront, like today - when he wants to discuss with me US politics, corruption, etc. And if I not agree, he easily become anger. I'm guessing my case is not only a case. It's a result of society's polarization.



LeGenDary_Man said:


> Are you EQUIPPED to help your husband in person? Your "relationship problems" are taking a toll on YOU instead.
> You need to find out which organization can help your husband.


No, I'm not. Do you know something about it? Can I ask questions in PM, if you have kinda of experience?



DownByTheRiver said:


> Your friends are right to report him.


Well, they don't know that he beat me several times. I just know them, and I know, if I tell, they report. Also, I know, if I start to cry them so often about my problems, our friendship could end.



EleGirl said:


> Also, what sorts of things do you like to do? You can find groups that engage in those joint them. Check out the site *Meetup - We are what we do*. Search in the area where you live. Find things to do where you can meet people.


Thank you, I'll think about it. But I just worry that here will be ppl with real problems - like common children but real injuries, maybe disability, no chances for an income above minimum wage, etc. It's not my case - he never beat me hard, it was always symbolic, he tried to control himself. Maybe I can erase experience of people with real problems & hell in the family? Worry to be sort of snowflake.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Thailand


No, and please stop try to guess. As I said, I'm stealth. Sorry, but I think, it's a bit hostile try to find it out where was I born, grew and transitioned. If I not wrote it, it means, I don't want to discuss it, isn't it? After this message, I'll not confirm or not any attempts to understand what is my home country.



RandomDude said:


> However despite this, after reading your story, as much as I hate what the whole LGBT organisations and lobbyists and what they are doing to your country.


Despite I don't like what SJW doing with this topic - politicize a medical question, and promote a transgender transition for everybody as choice and question of identity (not only a medical procedure to heal a gender dysphoria in transgenders and intersexes assigned at the birth to wrong gender), I want to say, conservative people, like my father, bring much, much more harm in my life then any anti-common-sense far left freaks: Conversion therapy not only not working, it is also the worst experience in my life I ever experienced, much more worse than even rape attempt (and I had a PTSD after it). Also, it's injustice: put a person by force in a place, much more harsh then a jail, detrans by force, force to eat meds with a bad side effects, etc. But I'm sure I can't change your mind.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

redHairs said:


> No, I'm not. Do you know something about it? Can I ask questions in PM, if you have kinda of experience?


I am not an expert on this topic but I have some observations in life. You are welcome to PM me.

If I can help you with my perspectives, all good. If not, my apologies in advance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I wonder if he has said things to them, complainting ouot you, etc, to ensure that they don't like you so that you don't have them as a support system.





redHairs said:


> He is not such bad person. Maybe basing in my messages he looks this way, but it's not a true. He always - in the past - was a very kind person. He had problems with anger management, it's part of his nature,
> 
> Look up the term “cycle of abuse”. Abusers are usually very good and treat you like gold in the start of a relationship. Then over time as you become more attached to them, they slowly escalate the abusive behavior. It’s also very very very rare that abuses are abusive/violent all the time. If they were, you’d leave in a heartbeat. Instead, they behave in what is referenced to as the “cycle of abuse”. Instead, they blow up every so often and the rest of the time …. Well read the image I’m posting here. So, yea, he started out as a great guy, treating you well. Now he’s good to you, or at least not abusive much of the time.. then he blows up. Then he’s all mr-good-guy again for a while.
> 
> ...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redHairs said:


> He is not such bad person. Maybe basing in my messages he looks this way, but it's not a true. He always - in the past - was a very kind person. He had problems with anger management, it's part of his nature, but politics is very sensitive topic. Because in the past he was not so involved in this, we had no reasons to confront, like today - when he wants to discuss with me US politics, corruption, etc. And if I not agree, he easily become anger. I'm guessing my case is not only a case. It's a result of society's polarization.
> 
> 
> No, I'm not. Do you know something about it? Can I ask questions in PM, if you have kinda of experience?
> ...


You need to stop blaming politics for his out of control abusive temper.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

redHairs said:


> No, and please stop try to guess. As I said, I'm stealth. Sorry, but I think, it's a bit hostile try to find it out where was I born, grew and transitioned. If I not wrote it, it means, I don't want to discuss it, isn't it? After this message, I'll not confirm or not any attempts to understand what is my home country.


Fair, you are entitled to your privacy.



> Despite I don't like what SJW doing with this topic - politicize a medical question, and promote a transgender transition for everybody as choice and question of identity (not only a medical procedure to heal a gender dysphoria in transgenders and intersexes assigned at the birth to wrong gender), I want to say, conservative people, like my father, bring much, much more harm in my life then any anti-common-sense far left freaks: Conversion therapy not only not working, it is also the worst experience in my life I ever experienced, much more worse than even rape attempt (and I had a PTSD after it). Also, it's injustice: put a person by force in a place, much more harsh then a jail, detrans by force, force to eat meds with a bad side effects, etc. But I'm sure I can't change your mind.


I understand, just note that most people do have more moderate views whether they lean left or right. We aren't all out to get you, though it may feel that way sometimes I'm sure. Right now we need to find you a support network, are the LGBT clubs not enough for your needs?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I can only assume it's accepted where she lives for the man to beat on his spouse.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I can only assume it's accepted where she lives for the man to beat on his spouse.


She lives in your country


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> She lives in your country


Well, I realize being trans, she is insecure about being able to get by, but there is a big community supporting each other here.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

> Instead, they behave in what is referenced to as the “cycle of abuse”. Instead, they blow up every so often and the rest of the time ….


Can they do it without bad intesion? Like do not understand, that they're abusers? Who is in denial in your graph:abuser or prey?
Also, is it possible if I do something wrong, like provoke hin somehow? Because when I try to speak with him our past topics, there is no any emotional reaction. But when he discuss with me political topics, this reaction is exists. I've heard, that in family with alcohol-addicted person, and non-addicted, non addicted person can somehow reproduce a behavior, which has as result fact, that alcohol-addicted person drink again and again, even if they don't want to.



> Sorry, I’ve had too much experience with people who seemed to be wonderful but then had that side of them that was abusive and destructive to those around them, especially those who love them.


Thank you very much for sharing it. Is it possible to discuss with you in PMs? Any chance if you have a time?



> You need to stop blaming politics for his out of control abusive temper.


We're 6 years together. And first 5 years we didn't have problems like this. Also, maybe I not highlighted it enough, but I really like his personality, how it were before he started to be so politically involved. And we, I bealive, had a good fit. And I never met a person who is fit better  Also, I'm so emotionally connected to him, and worry if he really has problems with brain or something like this. And I still feel chemestry. I think, he is too. I forget to mention: he several times suggested me to return in home country together. But I always rejected by some reasons, which are probably not important in this conversation



> , are the LGBT clubs not enough for your needs?


I don't think it could work in my case. Maybe it was a mistake to metion that I'm TG girl. Maybe better it could be to write: "I can't bear. Chances are zero, at least in the current level of science & medicine, and husband's parrents don't know it yet, as well as my friends. I feel that I'm kinda of disabled because of it and expect that my value in dating market is about zero".
T community usually solve problems, related to transition. But since my transition is ended, it's not a right tool here, I think. And, in terms of LGBT clubs, it's not clear what I have to do here: I'm not lesbi/gay phobic, but just have a lifestyle of a streight girl.



> You are welcome to PM me.


Thank you, I'll write (probably tomorrow). You never had anger problems like my husband, right?



> where she lives for the man to beat on his spouse.


In my home country, yes, it were more common than here.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

redHairs said:


> I don't think it could work in my case. Maybe it was a mistake to metion that I'm TG girl. Maybe better it could be to write: "I can't bear. Chances are zero, at least in the current level of science & medicine, and husband's parrents don't know it yet, as well as my friends. I feel that I'm kinda of disabled because of it and expect that my value in dating market is about zero".
> T community usually solve problems, related to transition. But since my transition is ended, it's not a right tool here, I think. And, in terms of LGBT clubs, it's not clear what I have to do here: I'm not lesbi/gay phobic, but just have a lifestyle of a streight girl.


You haven't tried. You only think it won't work. Give it at least one or two shots.

I believe you should also try domestic abuse support groups. Use the resources available, you are in America. It's supposed to be first world no?


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

> You haven't tried.


Tried, sorry, what? I'm trans, and I know how TG-society looks like. It can be really helpful and supportive until you finish your transition. When it ends, instead, you can harm other ppl: for example, Once I told another trans-girl that I was harassed in the work, and it was bad, because manager was not in my side, and I'm considering to change an employer, she cried, and said, she is jealous, and nobody sees in her a girl. I myself - probably could react this way in 16 or so years old. I never saw a club for a passable transgender girl to discuss related problems. Even online. Only several video blogs with topics like how to date with a guy and how to make coming out to him, and not be killed, but be loved. In the ideal world I'll not try to do it again, but instead my husband stops to be so obsessed of politics, and learn an anger management


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He knows exactly what he's doing. He's punishing you for disagreeing with him.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

redHairs said:


> Tried, sorry, what? I'm trans, and I know how TG-society looks like. It can be really helpful and supportive until you finish your transition. When it ends, instead, you can harm other ppl: for example, Once I told another trans-girl that I was harassed in the work, and it was bad, because manager was not in my side, and I'm considering to change an employer, she cried, and said, she is jealous, and nobody sees in her a girl. I myself - probably could react this way in 16 or so years old. I never saw a club for a passable transgender girl to discuss related problems. Even online. Only several video blogs with topics like how to date with a guy and how to make coming out to him, and not be killed, but be loved. In the ideal world I'll not try to do it again, but instead my husband stops to be so obsessed of politics, and learn an anger management


So they just get everyone on board with transitioning and then spit people out once they are done? Even I find it hard to believe they would be so callous to those in their community in need of help especially with a case of domestic violence.

But hey, you know best.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

> So they just get everyone on board with transitioning and then spit people out once they are done?


Nobody involved me in it, like thousands, and thousands of other transgenders. I just had a choice between suicide and transition. I know you don't believe, but please check my age - I remember a time without internet. I wanted to die because of gender dysphoria years before I got information that transition is possible - I had a suicide attempt in ~11, and started to feel that my sex is wrong in 5 years old. If I were born in XIX in male's body, I kill myself. If in female body, I could be OK, especially if it could be developed country and reach and loved family. Or it could be hell in the life in other conditions. If you stop to see in it a cultural thing, but look in it in the medical way, you could probably understand(but I don't believe that you can and that you want).
I'm sorry, but alt-right propaganda corrupted your idea why people do transition. And I think, it's not what you really need to know. Just be happy that you're OK, and never had a gender dysphoria. please don't be offended, but could you please stop answer in this thread? Each time when I see people like you, I remember my father. It should not be this way, you're not him, not a monster. And you don't deserve to be treated badly, which I want to do in your case. It should be wrong: you're trying to help, just believe in multiple fakes, generated by alt-rights or gender critical feminists. It's not important, because you don't have ppl like me around you. I wrote disclaimer because I don't have an internal energy to explain what and why is wrong in these fakes. Sorry. And thank you very much for trying to help. It's not your fault, it's my one.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

> Can you possibly get start therapy with a psychologist online? Your thinking is not straight.


Yes, I will do it, thanks. I think, better to not disclose these things about my transition, because it could overcomplicate things. Am I right?


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He knows exactly what he's doing. He's punishing you for disagreeing with him.


It scared me a lot to think about it  How to figure out if he really does it by a special intention?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redHairs said:


> I scared me a lot to think about it  How to figure out if he really does it by a special intention?


He does it. He'd have to be a completely mentally ill psycho to be doing it without intention. Either way he's dangerous.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He'd have to be a completely mentally ill psycho to be doing it without intention


But his symptom of hand tremor? I read a lot of cases that person can start to be angry, etc in a case of brain-related issues. He has no problems to still write a good programming code in his work, but he is also burned out to work in big corporation. Because a lot of other facts, like fact that he changed his habits and hobbies.
In another hand, he tends to think that hand tremor is because of a lot of Coca-Cola Zero, it is typical him (he always ignored health stuff).
I asked him to stop drink it then, and he tried to not in about a week, but then he started to drink again. So, it's not clear, is it something wrong with his brain/mental health, or not. But he looks like normal person, which changed his hobbies. Maybe also have a little depression because of burned out in a too big corporation.

How much are cases like this? I heard about abusers, but I expected, it should happen in months, not in 5 years? Or am I wrong?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

> Can you possibly get start therapy with a psychologist online? Your thinking is not straight.





redHairs said:


> Yes, I will do it, thanks. I think, better to not disclose these things about my transition, because it could overcomplicate things. Am I right?


If you are going to get any help from therapy, you have to be 100% honest with the therapist. You being transgender informs a lot of what is going on with you. It's clear that you see everything around you though that lens. It's understandable that you do. But hiding it from someone who is trying to help you will not be good. They will be able to 'feel' that something is off, and it will be.

Do you know what a poltergeist is: _An unseen ghost which makes noises and causes disruption, especially by causing physical objects to move or fly about._

I use this analogy to explain what it feels like when someone is not telling the truth, when they are hiding something from you. For example, when my husband was being a lot like yours in the anger and abuse. He was also lying and having many affairs. I did not know about the lies and affairs for several years... but I could just feel it. Perhaps it was intuition. I could just feel that there was something going on around me...like evil ghosts that were making noise in my head and flying about. This effected every interaction I had with him, even when I was not aware of why I could feel that something was very wrong. (Don't know if I explained that right. Hope I did.) 

If you don't tell a therapist everything, they will know that you are leaving out something extremely important, but they won't know what it is. People who are professional therapists are not easy to fool. They develop a very astute level of intuition. It's best to be upfront with a therapist and if they have a problem with you being trans, find another therapist. My bet is taht the vast majority of therapists would have no issues at all with you being transgender.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> If you don't tell a therapist everything,


I worked with (I think, a weak) PTSD after a rape attempt without disclosing transgender status. It helped, and I stopped to wake up at nights and scream, and painful flashbacks went out. I tried therapist with CBT approach. And yeah, she asked me two times, do you want to tell me something else, or not? I still feel bad if I have an intention to remember this story, but I'm OK after all.



> For example, when my husband was being a lot like yours in the anger and abuse. He was also lying and having many affairs. I did not know about the lies and affairs for several years...


I'm sorry about it. What happened with your family and you after it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

redHairs said:


> Furthermore, I still fill chemistry for my husband, but I feel like somebody else stolen his personality. He changed so much. I time to time think, maybe he has a brain tumour?


Why do you keep bringing up brain tumor, etc.? From what you said your husband has not been diagnosed with this. It has no bearing on your situation. It sounds like you are just looking for a way to excuse his behavior.

I've been married more than once. My first marriage was when I was 22. On our first anniversary I got a phone call from my husband. He had a horrible headache and could not even see well enough to drive, and kept blacking out. He was out in the countryside miles from home. I got him and took him to the emergency room. He had an intercranial aneurism. This means that a vein in his brain burst. His headache, etc. were caused by pressure filling up in his brain and spinal column with blood. We waited 8 hours in the emergency room before he got any medical care. By then damage had been done. He had brain surgery to repair the rip in the vein in his brain. He was in intensive care for 2 months (maybe more, this was a long time ago). 

When he came home, he was a very different person. It was like someone removed a part of him, cut it out, and threw it away. He would blow-up over all kinds of little things. He became violent. I tried to stay. I tried to make it work. I tried to help him. He looked the same, but this was not the man I married. I was too young and stupid to know that I should have talked to someone and gotten help. The anger and violence escalated over time. I left him the day he tried to kill me with a shaving razor (one of those old fashion long ones). I was able to escape and filed for divorce. He committed suicide a few years after that.

I was crazy in love with the man I married. I had no idea who the man was who I brought home from the hospital.

I shared that for a few reasons. First of all, you are looking for nonsense to excuse your husband's behavior. It's highly unlikely that he has a brain tumor. You are minimizing the real, horrible things people who do suffer from brain tumors/injury go through.

Secondly, if he does have a brain tumor and he refuses to get checked out because he has what you think are symptoms, then that's it. It's on him. You can only control/change yourself. You have zero control over him. A brain tumor or brain injury does not excuse his behavior. The issue here is that you, me, and anyone else who is in a situation where they are being abused should stop making excuses and leave. 



redHairs said:


> Or maybe it's kinda of post-covid effects(but he is probably never got a covid or even cold - in the last couple of years)?


Did he have to work from home through the whole COVID thing? doing that has changed a lot of people. Not being around the work and life environments they have been around for decades change people. But again, this is on him. He is the one choosing to mistreat you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

redHairs said:


> It scared me a lot to think about it  How to figure out if he really does it by a special intention?


If he, does it, he does it intentionally. That's what we are telling you. People who abuse learn at a very young age that they can use violence to keep those around them under their control. It's a learned behavior. He will deny it if you ask but abusers almost always deny intentionality.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

redHairs said:


> How much are cases like this? I heard about abusers, but I expected, it should happen in months, not in 5 years? Or am I wrong?


What happens in some relationships is that the abuse is minimal and thus excused for some time. IN yours perhaps for about 5 years. But then something changes the relationship. Maybe they no longer feel that in-love feeling. Maybe COVID hits and his entire work environment is turned upside down because of COVID. Who knows? and this is when the abuse starts to escalate. He feels that he has lost control of his life. The only thing he can control now is you. If he can control you, then he feels stronger emotionally. And now the cycle of abuse kicks in. Everyone changes over time. Some more than others.

You have to deal with what you are living with now, not what used to be, or what you hope will be in the future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

redHairs said:


> I worked with (I think, a weak) PTSD after a rape attempt without disclosing transgender status. It helped, and I stopped to wake up at nights and scream, and painful flashbacks went out. I tried therapist with CBT approach. And yeah, she asked me two times, do you want to tell me something else, or not? I still feel bad if I have an intention to remember this story, but I'm OK after all.


I can see where working with a specific issue like PTSD from rape would work. But what you are dealing with now is more encompassing of your entire existence. If you end up leaving, or your husband files for divorce, you will have issues taht are much broader than the rape PTSD. 



redHairs said:


> I'm sorry about it. What happened with your family and you after it?


I ended up divorcing him. We have a son together, so we shared custody, etc.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> I was crazy in love with the man I married.


I'm sorry about this story. It's a tragedy. I don't know what to say. And, honestly, worry to say something wrong to make you feel a pain.



EleGirl said:


> I shared that for a few reasons.


How do you feel this story after years? Is it something what you like to forget? Or you feel nostalgia, especially for person who was instead of him before accident happened?



> if he does have a brain tumor and he refuses to get checked out because he has what you think are symptoms, then that's it. It's on him.


It's even "not a new person issue". Furthermore, it's actually part of personality which I really loved - with his pros and cons. And I were always patient to argue to send him to doctor. Just right now because of everything I don't have an internal energy for this.



EleGirl said:


> Did he have to work from home through the whole COVID thing?


Yes. How do you think, maybe he can change back if returns to office? He is still remote. And claims that he prefers this way to work (ah, he watches political videos on YouTube in the third computer monitor during his working time. I think, he can't do things like this in office).



EleGirl said:


> What happens in some relationships is that the abuse is minimal and thus excused for some time. I


Yes, it was minimal, and it was difficult time to figure out is it humor - I love his humor (by the way, it also degraded like his curiosity and interests in different hobbies). I just like even hard humor. And it's one what I really liked in him. And maybe it's difficult to figure out where is humor and where is minimum abuse.

Another question is: can a depression which, I think, he experiences (I think, news and politics triggers it) trigger things like this?

And are you sure, that I SHOULD destroy our family? Maybe it's possible somehow to helps him? Just if it's a health issue, I feel like I betray him. Like if I be in the vehicle crash, and become disabled, and everybody leaves me - everybody who I know. I think, in real life I could not be against to leave me. But it not changes what I think I could feel in this case.....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

redHairs said:


> I'm sorry about this story. It's a tragedy. I don't know what to say. And, honestly, worry to say something wrong to make you feel a pain.


I'm ok. It's been a long time.



redHairs said:


> How do you feel this story after years? Is it something what you like to forget? Or you feel nostalgia, especially for person who was instead of him before accident happened?


I usually don't feel anything about it anymore. I'm 73 years old now. It was a lifetime ago. But for some reason it all came to the forefront with your thread tonight. Humans have a mechanism where our brains can compartmentalize bad things to help us get on with life. Perhaps PTSD is when one of those compartments accidently gets opened up and it all pours out.



redHairs said:


> It's even "not a new person issue". Furthermore, it's actually part of personality which I really loved - with his pros and cons. And I were always patient to argue to send him to doctor. Just right now because of everything I don't have an internal energy for this.


Well, I guess you will just have to see where this goes.



redHairs said:


> Yes. How do you think, maybe he can change back if returns to office? He is still remote. And claims that he prefers this way to work (ah, he watches political videos on YouTube in the third computer monitor during his working time. I think, he can't do things like this in office).


He might change back. But it seems that he's accepted this way of working. Does he have AD/HD? It almost sounds like it with him wanting the chaos of political banter going on while he's working. HIs hyper focusing on the political media could very well be driven by something like that. 



redHairs said:


> Yes, it was minimal, and it was difficult time to figure out is it humor - I love his humor (by the way, it also degraded like his curiosity and interests in different hobbies). I just like even hard humor. And it's one what I really liked in him. And maybe it's difficult to figure out where is humor and where is minimum abuse.


Abusers can be very clever. Who knows? But you need to deal with what's going on NOW. You said he's beat up you more than once. He's a clear danger to you and you don't see that.



redHairs said:


> Another question is: can a depression which, I think, he experiences (I think, news and politics triggers it) trigger things like this?


It does seem to be that some social media interaction can lead to mental health issues. Again, it is often made worse by things like AD/HD. I've seen obsession by some people on all sides of the political spectrum. It's not just an issue with some who are conservative.



redHairs said:


> And are you sure, that I SHOULD destroy our family? Maybe it's possible somehow to helps him? Just if it's a health issue, I feel like I betray him. Like if I be in the vehicle crash, and become disabled, and everybody leaves me - everybody who I know. I think, in real life I could not be against to leave me. But it not changes what I think I could feel in this case.....


Isn't he destroying your family? I think by 'family' you mean him and you, right? Both of your extended families don't live int he US, right?

You mentioned the idea of me destroying my fmailly when I divorced my first husband. I did not destroy it. His mental health destroyed it. I was better off after I left him. I've been able to go on and live a very good rewarding life.

With the ending of my second marriage. It did not destroy my family. it ended an abusive marriage. When he was 7 years old, my son begged me to divorce his father because his father was abusive to me and to him. My son and I have gone to do very well. My son is now 33, has a Phd in Physics. He's a wonderful young man.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

what is important: I think, if he could really wants to hurt me, he could probably bring trans-issues, and use his high IQ to make me feel awful - not like stupid alt-right memes about transpeople which can hurt only trans people who are not finished transition yet - no, I'm sure, he could imagine something, what is real and what is hurt. For example, say something about my ability to be a mom. I don't know, find a scientific article, if it exists, that if you adopt a child or bear it - its different level of love. I don't say that it works like this way, it's just example how he could hurt me. But he never did something like this. He always played this way, how I asked him - pretend, that my transition never happened, like I asked him when I made him come out.
But yes, he called me helminth, even today again - when I said, that I'm not a patriot of our home country.

Or else he could make me feel bad buy let me remember of a rape attempt(or maybe not. He don't know details, but...). Or to let me remember my father. It could be a lot of ways to hurt me so much. But he never did things like this. It always looks like anger which he tries but can't control, and just bad words (in most cases), or yes, he beats me about of 10 times, but never hard. But used knife once, and I have a scar after it. BTW, he apologized for this so much (and after it we had last our sex)


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

> I'm ok. It's been a long time.


I think, it's a good story for a good novel without happy end. I like stories like this 



> . Does he have AD/HD?


Not diagnosed(well, because it's impossible to send him to doctor without issues which most likely not exists), and I think he has not. I time to time think he is weak Asperger, but in other time I think, he is not.



EleGirl said:


> I think by 'family' you mean him and you, right?


Yes. But I have nobody else in the entire world  Nobody to care for. To make somebody else happy (oh, maybe my friends... Or not).



EleGirl said:


> You mentioned the idea of me destroying my family when I divorced my first husband.


I not mean it, sorry.

How do you think, maybe I do something wrong? Because covid lockdowns affected me too, I'm sure. At least, I started to avoid crowds and indoors meetings with other people. Maybe I don't see some toxic changes in my behaviour? I bit confronted in the Facebook with antivaxxers, because I always was pro-science (like my husband in the past), and their behaviour triggered me.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> My son is now 33, has a Phd in Physics. He's a wonderful young man.


I think, you're proud of him  And yes, it was right decision.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I understand I am unable to help you, however there is a member here I'd like to call to this thread who may be able to.

@As'laDain


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> I understand I am unable to help you, however there is a member here I'd like to call to this thread who may be able to.


I'm sorry, I probably hurt you


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

redHairs said:


> I'm sorry, I probably hurt you


No no, I understand completely, I take no offense to it 

Some folk like @As'laDain will simply be more qualified to assist, who have been through what you been through or have family members been through it. Hopefully he will post soon


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

@redHairs

You have pointed out that your husband has a temper but you suspect that he has a mental condition as well? And he is not willing to go to a doctor?

Men like him are not easy to convince.

But you are not alone in dealing with this kind of situation at home.

If you cannot FORCE your husband to seek therapy or talk to a doctor then you will have to find another way to get him to receive much-needed help. I provided you two links in a previous post.

Your husband is showing signs of depression in my view. Your disclosure suggest that he is too involved in political themes and focused on negativity; this is not good for his frame of mind. He needs to detach from politics.

I am a well-established member of a political forum. I am in its management. Membership base of _that_ forum is a challenge to handle; members of _this_ forum are well-mannered in comparison. I have taken a break from there because that environment affected me. I am detaching myself from political discourses lately. This is good for my frame of mind. I am focused on positivity and productivity now.

I might cut down my activity here as well. If you want to ask me anything, please do. I am not a regular here.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redHairs said:


> But his symptom of hand tremor? I read a lot of cases that person can start to be angry, etc in a case of brain-related issues. He has no problems to still write a good programming code in his work, but he is also burned out to work in big corporation. Because a lot of other facts, like fact that he changed his habits and hobbies.
> In another hand, he tends to think that hand tremor is because of a lot of Coca-Cola Zero, it is typical him (he always ignored health stuff).
> I asked him to stop drink it then, and he tried to not in about a week, but then he started to drink again. So, it's not clear, is it something wrong with his brain/mental health, or not. But he looks like normal person, which changed his hobbies. Maybe also have a little depression because of burned out in a too big corporation.
> 
> How much are cases like this? I heard about abusers, but I expected, it should happen in months, not in 5 years? Or am I wrong?


His hand tremor has nothing to do with his temper. Again he needs to go to the doctor but you said he won't.

Abuse happens whenever it happens. There is no time frame on it. Once you put up with it and stay, it escalates.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

We are not confronted last days, and even chatted about James Webb telescope, etc - like our old times. I focused in the work. I think, my performance a bit increased. I suggested him to ban politics, maybe even ban (in home) politics websites. He ignored this suggestion, but not refused it.
I did nothing in terms of building a support network, because lack of an internal energy, depression. Instead, I focused on the work. I think, fact that I am not received an annual bonus is a bad sign. And it's already July - I not only performed bad in Oct-Dec, 2021, but also half of 2022.
He suggested riding today in the bicycles after work together. I'm going to accept.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

redHairs said:


> Hello everyone, I'm a stealth transgender girl - a person, who act and looks like a female, and pretend to be female, but have a male biological sex, and don't disclose it to her environment, including employer, friends, etc. I'm looking for a relationship advice.
> 
> As far as I see, it's very famous to hate transgenders in 2022 - our society turned to a very conservative today. If you hate people like me, could you please ignore this thread? If, anyway, you don't want to ignore it, before you leave a hateful message, just one last attempt:


I don't hate people like you. Live and let live. What I hate is the idea that someone wants to force me to believe one way and be compelled to say things I do not agree with.
So it's when the idea of live and let live is not reciprocated, that's what I hate.

I do hate the idea of what is going on in women's sports.



> I do not support transgender women in sport, I never visited any LGBT pride, or even LGBT club, and in real life I pretend, that I'm just a straight female - if we work together in one office, or if I am your neighbour, you would probably see in me a normal person - I mean a natural girl. Also, I pay taxes like you and trying to be helpful for a society. If it's not enough to ignore this thread for you, then go ahead and feel free to write me something angry, but please skip what I wrote below - it's for people who could probably really advice me something. Thank you very much, my conservative haters.


See, there you go. You want to be accepted, but immediately want to insult and rile up. It's like protesting and rioting. If you think that's the way to change hearts and minds....you're doing it wrong.

So before you go on the "you're haters" rant, make sure you aren't one yourself.

Now, having gotten that out of the way.....



> Thank you guys for your attention, I hope, you can advice me something.


If you do divorce and find yourself dating, I hope you are honest. Have you gone through the transition? You say you are a trans-girl. You still have the male parts? If so, don't treat some guy in the future to his own personal Crying Game. If you are honest and he is good with it, run with it.

If you have made the transition and find a str8 guy, still, tell him up front. Don't let him find out years later.

Or you might want to pick from the LGBQT+ crowd, that way there shouldn't be any issues with acceptance.

Good luck


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

redHairs said:


> No, and please stop try to guess. As I said, I'm stealth. Sorry, but I think, it's a bit hostile try to find it out where was I born, grew and transitioned. If I not wrote it, it means, I don't want to discuss it, isn't it? After this message, I'll not confirm or not any attempts to understand what is my home country.


I don't think Random's intentions are hostile. He was addressing the "stealth" comment and it does seem trans girls from certain western countries are REALLY able to pull it off. I think that was his point, that if your living in stealth, someone from the countries he listed seem to be very successful at it. You're being to defensive and combative I think.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

> I hope you are honest.


My husband and my previous BF got information about my transition before our romance. And I want to say, it's very sad, that haters (I don't see that you're not a hostile, sorry) by default expect from me a dishonest in the relationships and other things like this. I feel a frustration about it, as well as about stupid, insane memes about "dying in 30 y.old" and other ideas which promote stereotypes from conservative people. They don't hurt, because are wrong, but I start to feel that mankind is not actual clever species.

If you delete your post, I'll delete my.



drencrom said:


> See, there you go. You want to be accepted,


I just want to solve my problems. And don't want to have a political debate in this thread. I have too much of them at home. It destroys my mind. Is it too much to ask you delete this messages or move them in the another thread? In the last case I can promise to not ignore your points but comment them, if you send me a link to another thread, even If I don't want to.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> You still have the male parts?


Probably I already said this, but looks like it were not clear: I had a bottom surgery. But i am not sure if it's important in this thread. I think, creating this thread were a mistake: in a lot of other relationship forums it were just deleted (admins are haters, because it's very famous to hate transgenders in 2022, but lie that you're not, because of left extremists, they can cancel you of being honest...)
I think, instead, it should be another thread, where I tell that I'm just can't bear, and science & reproductive medicine in 2022 can't fix it yet.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

redHairs said:


> OK. Despite I asked to not come & comment, you decided that you should. OK. I'll explain, even if I don't want to. From my perspective, gender dysphoria is a medical problem, and transition is only proven way to heal it, and conversion therapy has no proofs to work. And I even saw it myself - my parents in my home country tried it(and it was the darkest time in my life), but it's not related to this conversation at all.
> 
> If it's health issue, then it's not fully related to my current problems. Well, it's related, because I'm kinda of broken/definitely not the best option for guys in "dating market", because I can't bear, etc. But it's not a question of "accepting yourself". do you ask a person with a heart disease, accept them their self, or not? Maybe you ask if installing a heart implant is a mistake, and better to unplug it? Yeah, transition is not fully solve a problem, but it's the best what is possible for people with a gender dysphoria. Better to be a bit disabled person (like can't bear) but alive, than commit to suicide (which I wanted to before transition).
> And maybe you don't believe, but I was really happy in the past. Today I'm not, but it's not happen because I transitioned.
> ...


Half of society hates you in 2022??? I think you're mistaking indifference for hate with the majority of those people.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

> Half of society hates you in 2022???


Well, they're not, because I'm stealth. Also, despite it's famous in 2022, I'm sure, it's still far from a half. I'm guessing it's about 10-15%? But it's not matter in this thread, not?
Is it possible to delete this political discussing from this thread, or move into another? If it's important for you, guys, to debate with me (even if I don't want to), I can promise to answer u in the another thread, if you clean in this thread from your political flood...
Thank you very much


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

redHairs said:


> Also, despite it's famous in 2022, I'm sure,


I see that you are on the defense here, so respectfully, but as an individual what you need to understand is that whatever it is, hate, rejection, ostracization, etc., it did not became famous in 2022, nor last year or last decade. It's been there from the beginning of mankind, as it is in any other species that exist in this planet. It's an innate biological rejection. In nature you see an offspring being born with a defect that will cause it to be abandoned to die by the mother. In humans due to our primate intimate socialization system and our evolved degree of consciousness, normally doesn't allow us to toss to die a newborn that has defects which will impede the normal development of the child. That doesn't mean that in humans natural history that offspring doesn't get to be socially rejected.

It's innate in most humans to reject that which doesn't comfort our sense of what's genetically acceptable. In many societies, throughout history those that don't comfort to the standards were/are relegated, or tossed to die, such as the Spartans custom to kill the sickling newborns, or the as you see in tribal societies where homosexuals are treated as "two spirits" and being relegated to as shamans, or some sort of spiritual consultant. Bottom line what they where/are doing is relegation. Why? simple, we are following and instinctual genetic reaction of rejecting which is "not desirable" for the species.

Which brings us to today. In today's societies around the world, due to societal cultural pressures and understandings, homosexuals, and whatever others "sexual" variations that are showing up, are being accepted as part of the society as understood of their rights as human beings to live with dignity without being attacked, maimed, or killed. That doesn't means that in humans consciousness it is considered a genetic desirable trait to be passed on to the next progeny. You have to remember that although your brain is telling you that you are a female in reality you are not. It's just your brain that is female, consequently, you can't expect people to accept that you are female. Out of respect to you, people defers by the gender you wish to called. But people in your situation cannot expect that just because socially you are now being allowed to be integrated into the fabrics of societies that you will be accepted as a desirable genetic trait to be pass on. Just as if I were in my mind to consider myself to be a bird, I would be able to fly. We know what the outcome of that would be if I jump from an skyscraper to fly.

It is what it is. So far that's the reality that humans in your situation has always lived, and will continue to live with... rejection. Rejection by most. That's nature. Socially, gains have been done to your kind, but you just can't expect all humans to accept immediately, as if your are the "norm". That is just not possible, no matter what we say or do to protect people in your genetic situation. al you can do is to adapt to the best of your abilities in the environment in which you live. At least you are in the USA by the flag. In some other countries they might kill you. Not all of us are there socially there yet to accept around the world.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

OK. @*Rob_1 @Benbutton @drencrom*
why don't create a new thread to discuss political things? Is it really the best place for? I think, you understand, that it's hostile, but you prefer to do it, because you hate. If you really demand it from me - OK, I'm ready to debate in the another thread(I don't want to, but I have to pay this price to keep this thread on topic). Here it is a political flood and off-topic. Or maybe it's even bulling attempt. If I'm wrong, please proof it by deleting your attempts to initiate a political discussion here, because I really need a help, but not your attempts to push your conservative propaganda agenda - instead of discuss my case, everybody soon will be involved in debates.



Rob_1 said:


> , but as an individual what you need to understand is that whatever it is, hate,


I'm sorry, but I know what is hate, and society's hate is very well, basing in my pre-transition and early transition experience, as well as reading a lot of related literature, including science articles. I don't think that you can educate me here. I think, I can educate you. Sorry.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

redHairs said:


> My husband and my previous BF got information about my transition before our romance. And I want to say, it's very sad, that haters (I don't see that you're not a hostile, sorry) by default expect from me a dishonest in the relationships and other things like this.


Nope, never did I insinuate your default behavior is to lie. Just saying I hope you let them know up front. It isn't impossible to believe that you would be honest, but might be gunshy about it and maybe not be honest right away.

So you don't see that I'm not hostile....and I don't see you as not hostile, sorry.



> If you delete your post, I'll delete my.


And why would I delete my post because of your misunderstanding and incorrect attribution to what I thought your default behavior would be?




> I just want to solve my problems. And don't want to have a political debate in this thread. I have too much of them at home. It destroys my mind. Is it too much to ask you delete this messages or move them in the another thread?


Again, why would I delete the message? You were the one that misunderstood it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

redHairs said:


> I'm sorry, but I know what is hate, and society's hate is very well, basing in my pre-transition and early transition experience, as well as reading a lot of related literature, including science articles. I don't think that you can educate me here. I think, I can educate you. Sorry.



My post was in not way political, but to remind you of the reality of this world. not as you wish it to see it. having say that, Let me tell you that as a biologist with a lifetime of human evolution studies, I can tell you that you can't teach me anything (at least not you). But what I now see is that what you are is an individual with a chip on your shoulders. So therefore, I gather that no one can give you any advice because it will be useless. You just want to hear what you want to hear, and that's that.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

redHairs said:


> Probably I already said this, but looks like it were not clear: I had a bottom surgery. But i am not sure if it's important in this thread.


It is important in the respect of the advice I gave if you got divorced and found yourself in the dating world again.



> I think, creating this thread were a mistake: in a lot of other relationship forums it were just deleted (admins are haters, because it's very famous to hate transgenders in 2022, but lie that you're not, because of left extremists, they can cancel you of being honest...)
> I think, instead, it should be another thread, where I tell that I'm just can't bear, and science & reproductive medicine in 2022 can't fix it yet.


It wasn't a mistake to create the thread.

It was a mistake to start off with a combative attitude and immediately default to conservatives here being haters and assuming to know what we think of you.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

redHairs said:


> OK. @*Rob_1 @Benbutton @drencrom*
> why don't create a new thread to discuss political things?


My reply to you had nothing to do with politics. Not even close.



> Is it really the best place for? I think, you understand, that it's hostile


You started the thread hostile....pot, meet kettle.



> , but you prefer to do it, because you hate.


Again, you started it off with hate. Don't be a hypocrite.



> I'm sorry, but I know what is hate


And so do we.



> I don't think that you can educate me here. I think, I can educate you. Sorry.


As far as my reply to you, again, it wasn't political. It was first acknowledging your combative attitude and back handed insult at some of us conservatives here. I pointed that out from the get go, then gave you advice on what would be reasonable with behavior, which I didn't insinuate you were one way or the other, if you were divorced and you found yourself dating again.

Again, you came here combative from the get go, looking for a fight. Don't cry when you find one. And no, since that seems to be your intention coming here, no, you can't educate us. Sorry.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> My post was in not way political


It's very clear, your messages are not at all about my marriage, or about a situation, or my problems. It's an attempt to initiate debates. And I think, very hostile attempt, because you ignored any request to not do it, even when I suggested doing it in the another thread as compromise(but it were very clear, that I don't want debates like this at all, because I don't know you. And probably we will never meet in real life. And there is no point to try to change your mind). 
I think, you don't want to move your messages in the another thread, because you want summing up. People, which push a political agenda/propaganda, usually want to do this. It's not only conservative people problem. Left extremist/SJW do same bad things


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

redHairs said:


> It's very clear, your messages are not at all about my marriage, or about a situation, or my problems. It's an attempt to initiate debates. And I think, very hostile attempt, because you ignored any request to not do it, even when I suggested doing it in the another thread as compromise(but it were very clear, that I don't want debates like this at all, because I don't know you. And probably we will never meet in real life. And there is no point to try to change your mind).
> I think, you don't want to move your messages in the another thread, because you want summing up. People, which push a political agenda/propaganda, usually want to do this. It's not only conservative people problem. Left extremist/SJW do same bad things



You need a "chill" pill. That's my diagnosis. You are showing that you just are a malcontented individual.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Plea for moderators: could you please lock or delete this thread, or could you please split political off-topic to another thread? And I don't have a chill pill. If I have it, for sure, I eat it, of course (well, I mean which not lead to an addiction). And last messages just make me more sad and lost a hope that an entire internet has a place where I can share my problems, be honest about them, and not be attacked 
Because in the SJW places I can't either. A lot of them hate stealth (well, they want to show a society transgenders, which can pretend to be "normal people"). I was hated once in my home country, which is much more conservative (but has SJW fraction, especially among LGBT) by rejected to walk together with another transgirl which can't pass as female, rejected for my own privacy(like: what if somebody who knows me see us together?) and even safety reasons(what if somebody attacks her and me too, because we're together?). Despite fact that I suggested her to meet indoors.
Why I ask it: political debates here(even If I am not involved in them, but return and return to read them, like my husband force be to be involved in politics) is even worse for state for my mind than no any help from a society. Probably I could wait a bit and recreate this thread somewhere and claim that I can't bear but just a girl. And have problems like this.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

OK, I'll answer. Even if I really don't want to do


drencrom said:


> Again, you came here combative from the get go, looking for a fight.


No, it's wrong



drencrom said:


> Don't cry when you find one


I will do



> It was first acknowledging your combative attitude


No, it was just wide experience to discuss conservative people in the internet topics like transgenders, climate change, or covid. In other time, I could spend time & energy to explain what is wrong in the stereotypes. But right now I don't have an internal energy for it. It was a pleasant request to not come, and don't advice, and just ignore my thread, because usually conservative people see people like me as freaks, and really have lack of empathy to address right problems in the situation, instead of pointing to stereotypes and fakes. And it's even normal: if you don't know that I'm trans, you could probably communicate different way. Because I disclosed my trans-status, but didn't want to explain what is wrong in stereotypes, I wrote a disclaimer which I wrote.

It's a very sad situation, I'm considering to maybe delete my messages and account. Because not, you're wrong, I don't "want to fight" or even have a civilian debate without personal attacks. Your feelings were wrong.

By the way, I suggest you guys to read Dale Carnegie books - he said, that's* the best way to change mind of person, don't debate*. If you didn't know it yet, then please base this information, please delete your posts and let me focus on my problems. Otherwise, if you already know it, than debates required to change opinion of other people who read it - for example, prevent other people to advice me something - it's what I called hostile, because it changes topic of issues of my collapsing life to political debate.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I had hoped @As'laDain would show up but he's a soldier, who knows where he is training now. Perhaps it's best to private message him directly, tell him I recommended him and quote my post.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I had hoped @As'laDain would show up but he's a soldier, who knows where he is training now. Perhaps it's best to private message him directly, tell him I recommended him and quote my post.


yeah, I have been taking a bunch of DLPTs over the last couple weeks. 

I am taking Yemeni and Saudi today. so far, I have managed to convince the army that I speak seven languages lol. 

anyway, I'll probably spend some time reading back through the thread and respond later today. so long as my brain isn't totally fried. both of the tests I am taking have constructed responses, and 6 hours of testing in a language you barely know is enough to fry anyone's brain. 

especially after having done it all week. 

anyway, @redHairs, from what I have gathered so far, your husband is abusive and that is what you need to address first. 

as for online resources for transgender people, 








Susan's Place Transgender Resources


We stand at the crossroads of gender balanced on the sharp edge of a knife.



www.susans.org





for context as to why I was called here...

I am intersex(xx/xy chimerism), my girlfriend is a trans woman, and my kid is trans. 

I also ended up somehow running a local organization that takes in a lot of trans people that end up homeless because of the fact that they are trans. 

truth is, it likely _will_ be harder for you to escape abuse, _because_ you are trans, but there _*are*_ resources available.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

redHairs said:


> OK, I'll answer. Even if I really don't want to do
> 
> No, it's wrong


Nope, it's absolutely accurate. You first post assumed people here were haters. Don't start none, won't be none.




> It's a very sad situation, I'm considering to maybe delete my messages and account.


Then do it.



> Because not, you're wrong, I don't "want to fight" or even have a civilian debate without personal attacks. Your feelings were wrong.


Nobody attacked you with personal attacks. And pointing out your combative and initial hatred towards people that haven't even answered you yet is not a personal attack.

You also tried to say people were making this political. No they were not. As for me, nothing I said was in no way shape or form a political debate. If so, please try, and fail, to point out what I said that was political. I'll wait.



> By the way, I suggest you guys to read Dale Carnegie books - he said, that's* the best way to change mind of person, don't debate*.


Uh, ahem, no. You don't get to suggest Jack Schidt. You don't come here, call people haters, and expect to change minds. Doesn't work like that.



> If you didn't know it yet, then please base this information, please delete your posts and let me focus on my problems.


You want to work on your problems and ask for advice, that is perfectly fine. You don't get to come here with a combative attitude and immediately insinuate those that might respond to you are haters. Had you not done that, nobody would have taken you to task for your attitude.



> Otherwise, if you already know it, than debates required to change opinion of other people who read it - for example, prevent other people to advice me something


Who prevented others from giving you advice? 

Look, it's clear you have some sort of mental issue. You deny being combative in your very first post when it's in plain text, you say people made it political when they absolutely did not, now you are saying people are preventing others from giving you advice when that isn't even possible. You don't have the rationality to read what is posted without turning it into something it isn't simply because you don't like the advice.

But good luck with that kind of attitude in life. Most in your situation are just like you and you all wonder why people don't accept your militant, combative style of trying to get others to accept you.
I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But when they try to force things down my throat or start off right out of the gate being an a**hole about it, that's when I know they are beyond help.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

redHairs said:


> Why I ask it: political debates here


Again, there were no political posts, nobody turned it into a political debate, and you can't quote what anyone said that proves otherwise.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

redHairs said:


> Hello everyone, I'm a stealth transgender girl - a person, who act and looks like a female, and pretend to be female, but have a male biological sex, and don't disclose it to her environment, including employer, friends, etc. I'm looking for a relationship advice.
> 
> As far as I see, it's very famous to hate transgenders in 2022 - our society turned to a very conservative today. If you hate people like me, could you please ignore this thread? If, anyway, you don't want to ignore it, before you leave a hateful message, just one last attempt:
> I do not support transgender women in sport, I never visited any LGBT pride, or even LGBT club, and in real life I pretend, that I'm just a straight female - if we work together in one office, or if I am your neighbour, you would probably see in me a normal person - I mean a natural girl. Also, I pay taxes like you and trying to be helpful for a society. If it's not enough to ignore this thread for you, then go ahead and feel free to write me something angry, but please skip what I wrote below - it's for people who could probably really advice me something. Thank you very much, my conservative haters.
> ...


holy crap... 

@redHairs 
so, your husband is not just abusive, he is _dangerous_. not "will be dangerous", he is dangerous *now* and has already left you with physical scars. 

you need to get out of that situation NOW. it is *NOT* ok for him to cut you with a knife, punch you and kick you, no matter how much he apologizes for it! 

maybe he does have a brain tumor, maybe he doesn't, but it doesn't matter. in no way should you feel guilty for leaving, _*even if he is sick.*_

you are NOT Frankenstein, you are not a monster, but you ARE a victim of domestic violence and abuse and you should NOT in any way put up with it.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

@drencrom I don't want to debate with you, especially in this thread. I just don't want to see you in my thread by multiple reasons. Mostly because my mind conditions not well, and I feel a deep depression and lack of internal energy, and you're not in my side, you don't like me as person, also because you're pushing fakes/stereotypes about transpeople, as well as basing in them, provide "advices". Maybe initially you were not hostile (but I don't think so), just right now you're 100% hostile. Also, I think, I have moral rights to not communicate with somebody, even without rational reasons. Is it a colossal favor, to ask to not come and leave new messages? Why are you so imposing? Could you please be not so intrusive? If it's important for your own mind conditions, OK, don't delete your agressive messages, but could you please leave my thread and do not text again? Feel free to summarize up, and write something accusatory about me, if it helps you to feel better.



drencrom said:


> Then do it.


Lol, you even don't try to pretend to be in my thread to help. OK. Did you read rules of this forum?

*15. Be supportive of others and their desire to have happier, healthier relationships. 
17. No hijacking threads. If your post is not on-topic for a particular thread, please start another thread for it rather than taking someone else's thread off-topic. Users who repeatedly hijack threads will be warned and potentially banned.*

Could you please answer honestly, are your posting about my marriage? And about my disclaimer, I already said it, and even repeated, I can repeat: I just don't want to explain conservative people what is wrong in their stereotypes about transpeople. I just found, that they usually can't suggest something what is related to my life and issues. It doesn't mean, that I hate them, or something like this. I'm myself not very left (as anybody probably see in my messages). I like what Blaire White tell regarding particular topic - I'm transmedicalist like she. I could fully support her, if she's not bulling freaks, what is not acceptable (I hate bulling, and society should never do it, there are no exclusions for it!). Also, I think, even if somebody transitioning without gender dysphoria, even if it's a mistake (and most likely this person regret and detrans) it's not a reason to bulling them (like some other transmeds do it). Also, in real life, in my current relationships, and in previous, I had a pretty standard gender roles. I worked both times, but leftists and intersectionality feminists could see in me a kinda of patriarchal girl, especially If I do not disclose a trans-status. And I were OK in relationships like this. Were really happy our first 5 years of marriage


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

drencrom said:


> I don't hate people like you. Live and let live. What I hate is the idea that someone wants to force me to believe one way and be compelled to say things I do not agree with.
> So it's when the idea of live and let live is not reciprocated, that's what I hate.
> 
> I do hate the idea of what is going on in women's sports.
> ...


good lord. your very first post on this thread was to attack a trans woman for asking people to not attack her for being a trans woman? and then you seem to think that her genitals are somehow your business? 

your post is exactly the kind that she was worried about having to deal with, and for the exact reasons she was afraid she would have to deal with it.

considering your previous comments on this board about trans women and the fact that your first post here was to tell an abuse victim to get over herself for having the audacity to ask for respect...

yeah, could you not? could you just not?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

redHairs said:


> @drencrom I don't want to debate with you, especially in this thread.


I'm not debating anything with you except that you want to immediately call out us "haters" without even knowing how we feel about your situation.

You started the hate, yet hypocritically cry foul when someone calls you on it.



> Mostly because my mind conditions not well, and I feel a deep depression and lack of internal energy, and you're not in my side, you don't like me as person, also because you're pushing fakes/stereotypes about transpeople, as well as basing in them, provide "advices".


First, I don't know you. But again, you didn't like us "conservatives" as a people without knowing how we really feel. Second, once again, you are saying I'm saying things I never said. First you said I made it political. I challenged you to point out where I did, and you can't do it because you blew smoke. Now you are saying I pushed fake stereotypes. You can't name one stereotype I responded to you with. NOT ONE.



> Maybe initially you were not hostile (but I don't think so), just right now you're 100% hostile.


That's good, because you were hostile before even getting any responses. You don't see it, that's fine, you do you.



> Also, I think, I have moral rights to not communicate with somebody, even without rational reasons.


You are more than welcome to put me on ignore.



> Is it a colossal favor, to ask to not come and leave new messages? Why are you so imposing?


Because you came here and got nasty right out of the gate. That and you are lying about what people are saying here. Just....flat....out....lied.



> Could you please be not so intrusive? If it's important for your own mind conditions, OK, don't delete your agressive messages, but could you please leave my thread and do not text again? Feel free to summarize up, and write something accusatory about me, if it helps you to feel better.


I will bow out of this thread provided I hear nothing about me from you, mainly because you came here looking to malign those who haven't even responded to you yet. I called you out ONLY on that, not your gender, your preferences....nothing else. Then I gave you some advice on moving on from your marriage. But you seem to want to focus on the fact I called you out on your initial nastiness and then lie about what people are saying here. There were NO politics involved in this thread and NO stereotypes were posted.

So with that, I will bow out because quite frankly, you aren't getting it. You don't respond to me with lies and I'll stay away...same goes for anyone else that refers to me.




> Lol, you even don't try to pretend to be in my thread to help.


Then you didn't read very well.




> OK. Did you read rules of this forum?
> 
> *15. Be supportive of others and their desire to have happier, healthier relationships. *


Um, the advice I gave you about being in relationships post marriage...again, you didn't read.

*



17. No hijacking threads.

Click to expand...





If your post is not on-topic for a particular thread, please start another thread for it rather than taking someone else's thread off-topic. Users who repeatedly hijack threads will be warned and potentially banned.

Click to expand...

*It was on topic. If you come in with a snide attitude towards a particular group of people, that can, and was, addressed.

Then getting that out of the way, I gave you advice. But instead of listening to it, you tried to assign an incorrect assumption of the intentions.



> Could you please answer honestly, are your posting about my marriage?


Yes, I posted advice on life after marriage since it seems divorce is where you are wanting to go.



> And about my disclaimer, I already said it, and even repeated, I can repeat: I just don't want to explain conservative people what is wrong in their stereotypes about transpeople.


_sigh_ once again, what stereotype did I post? I didn't. Thank you.

But like I said, good luck. I'll honor your wish about staying out of the thread, long as I am not mentioned by you or someone else.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

As'laDain said:


> good lord. your very first post on this thread was to attack a trans woman for asking people to not attack her for being a trans woman?


Wrong, I called her out on her nastiness and preconceived notion about us conservatives. You, like her, need to learn to read.



> and then you seem to think that her genitals are somehow your business?


I could care less. The point of the question was with regards to how she proceeds with relationships in the future as in don't give someone a surprise, not that she'd do that.



> yeah, could you not? could you just not?


I will do just that, long as I am not brought up in the discussion from this point on.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> good lord. your very first post on this thread was to attack a trans woman for asking people to not attack her for being a trans woman?


You have to read more about what this individual OP is saying. Take for example my post. this is what OP kept repeating:



redHairs said:


> Well, they're not, because I'm stealth. Also, despite it's famous in 2022,


I responded to that specific part of his post, to give perspective as to why 2022 is not really famous for transgender people being hated. I try to give a perspective as how throughout time people in OP situation has been viewed/treated, not just 2022. My post in no way or shape was political, hate inducing, discriminating, conservative, or a moral judgement. If anything it was a tiny synopsis throughout history, and from a biological point of view. OP replied to me was as nasty a attack as nasty can be. Accused me of inciting hate politics in his thread. We sir, have here the real hater = OP. Anything rightly or wrongly perceived by OP is an immediate attack. Like I said to OP. he is a person with a chip on his shoulder, like it is the rest of humanity fault that OP was borne the way he is.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

drencrom said:


> *I will do just that, long as I am not brought up in the discussion from this point on.*


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Rob_1 said:


> You have to read more about what this individual OP is saying. Take for example my post. this is what OP kept repeating:
> 
> 
> 
> I responded to that specific part of his post, to give perspective as to why 2022 is not really famous for transgender people being hated. I try to give a perspective as how throughout time people in OP situation has been viewed/treated, not just 2022. My post in no way or shape was political, hate inducing, discriminating, conservative, or a moral judgement. If anything it was a tiny synopsis throughout history, and from a biological point of view. OP replied to me was as nasty a attack as nasty can be. Accused me of inciting hate politics in his thread. We sir, have here the real hater = OP. Anything rightly or wrongly perceived by OP is an immediate attack. Like I said to OP. he is a person with a chip on his shoulder, like it is the rest of humanity fault that OP was borne the way he is.


well, i would have to disagree with you. there have been more anti-trans laws this year than any other year in our countries history. regardless, she is asking for advice for her relationship, not a diatribe about history and biology. if you would like to discuss biology, i invite you to start a thread and i would be happy to discuss it.

beside that, you kinda missed her point. people that don't know her don't typically treat her like there is anything different about her, and even people who do know her don't treat her like there is anything different about her, because she passes well. 

"stealth" just means she is in the closet and passes well, so your points about people treating people differently don't really apply to her situation. she asked you if you would stay on topic and start another thread if you want to debate trans issues. that isn't much to ask, considering this is the general relationship forum.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

As'laDain said:


> she is asking for advice for her relationship, not a diatribe about history and biology. if you would like to discuss biology, i invite you to start a thread and i would be happy to discuss it.
> 
> beside that, you kinda missed her point. people that don't know her don't typically treat her like there is anything different about her, and even people who do know her don't treat her like there is anything different about her, because she passes well.
> 
> "stealth" just means she is in the closet and passes well, so your points about people treating people differently don't really apply to her situation. she asked you if you would stay on topic and start another thread if you want to debate trans issues. that isn't much to ask, considering this is the general relationship forum.


Exactly. And I found, by unknown reasons conservative people usually don't understand this point. As we see in this thread. Thank you very much *As'laDain*


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> well, i would have to disagree with you.


Well my point was specifically about that comment OP made. there might be more subjugation crap against people in this country today, but nonetheless it has been happening all along, like since humans are humans. That was my point over his 2022.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

redHairs said:


> OK. @*Rob_1 @Benbutton @drencrom*
> why don't create a new thread to discuss political things? Is it really the best place for? I think, you understand, that it's hostile, but you prefer to do it, because you hate. If you really demand it from me - OK, I'm ready to debate in the another thread(I don't want to, but I have to pay this price to keep this thread on topic). Here it is a political flood and off-topic. Or maybe it's even bulling attempt. If I'm wrong, please proof it by deleting your attempts to initiate a political discussion here, because I really need a help, but not your attempts to push your conservative propaganda agenda - instead of discuss my case, everybody soon will be involved in debates.
> 
> 
> I'm sorry, but I know what is hate, and society's hate is very well, basing in my pre-transition and early transition experience, as well as reading a lot of related literature, including science articles. I don't think that you can educate me here. I think, I can educate you. Sorry.


I wasn't discussing a political thing. I was calling into question a statement *you *made about conservatives. I suggest if you want to avoid a political argument, then don't....umm...make it political..


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Let's just focus on helping OP find the resources she needs to get out her abusive situation. I get the political trigger in OP's post (I got triggered too) but she has the right to vent and her opinions/experiences just as valid. She has her triggers too and association of conservatives based on her father, and has acknowledged that these triggers are her problem, not ours. She also already mentioned she not agree with the crazy stuff that is happening in your country like William "Lia" Thomas swinging his ding dang in women's changerooms.

I feel she's more fearful and on the defensive here than outright hostile towards conservative opinion, so guys, lets all chill. Shame if this thread keeps going off the rails and ends up not helping, that's why I called @As'laDain here. All this off topic discussion just makes me cringe because ultimately here is a domestic abuse victim who does need help regardless of our political leanings.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

@RandomDude I've just changed my opinion about you. I'm sorry again for my previous posting. And you're more then welcomed in my thread. Maybe I have to change something in my starter message? I just don't know how to write it more polite. And thank you very much for @As'laDain contact


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

redHairs said:


> Tried, sorry, what? I'm trans, and I know how TG-society looks like. It can be really helpful and supportive until you finish your transition. When it ends, instead, you can harm other ppl: for example, Once I told another trans-girl that I was harassed in the work, and it was bad, because manager was not in my side, and I'm considering to change an employer, she cried, and said, she is jealous, and nobody sees in her a girl. I myself - probably could react this way in 16 or so years old. I never saw a club for a passable transgender girl to discuss related problems. Even online. Only several video blogs with topics like how to date with a guy and how to make coming out to him, and not be killed, but be loved. In the ideal world I'll not try to do it again, but instead my husband stops to be so obsessed of politics, and learn an anger management


there are several discord servers that are not hostile to LGBTQIA+ people. i am on several forums that have members all over the united states. while i have seen the kind of stuff you mention, about people getting upset when they see someone who "passes" and they don't feel like they do, its not everywhere. 



redHairs said:


> Yes, I will do it, thanks. I think, better to not disclose these things about my transition, because it could overcomplicate things. Am I right?


you would want to disclose it to a therapist. if it were something that you didnt worry about, then it might not matter, but the truth is, you _do_ worry about it, and rightly so. i dont need to tell you how much harder things are for trans people... you already know. that is something that a therapist would need to know. they cant help you address your fears and concerns if they dont know about them. also keep in mind that you do not need to stay with a therapist if they turn out to be a bad one. lets say a major concern of yours is that you are afraid of dating because you are afraid of getting killed for being trans... that is something that a therapist would see as a reason you might stay in an abusive relationship. i can tell you that being trans alone wont stop you from finding a loving partner. yes, you are at a higher risk, but those risks can be mitigated. i dont know what part of the country you are in, but there _are_ people who would be willing to help make it safer for you to meet new people. such as being present for meet ups, making sure that anyone you meet knows that people _will_ be looking for you if you dont show up the next morning, etc. 

point is, the therapist will need to know about things that matter to you. things you are worried about. otherwise, they wont be able to help you address those fears and issues.



redHairs said:


> what is important: I think, if he could really wants to hurt me, he could probably bring trans-issues, and use his high IQ to make me feel awful - not like stupid alt-right memes about transpeople which can hurt only trans people who are not finished transition yet - no, I'm sure, he could imagine something, what is real and what is hurt. For example, say something about my ability to be a mom. I don't know, find a scientific article, if it exists, that if you adopt a child or bear it - its different level of love. I don't say that it works like this way, it's just example how he could hurt me. But he never did something like this. He always played this way, how I asked him - pretend, that my transition never happened, like I asked him when I made him come out.
> But yes, he called me helminth, even today again - when I said, that I'm not a patriot of our home country.
> 
> Or else he could make me feel bad buy let me remember of a rape attempt(or maybe not. He don't know details, but...). Or to let me remember my father. It could be a lot of ways to hurt me so much. But he never did things like this. It always looks like anger which he tries but can't control, and just bad words (in most cases), or yes, he beats me about of 10 times, but never hard. But used knife once, and I have a scar after it. BTW, he apologized for this so much (and after it we had last our sex)



so, one thing i want to state, right off the top, is that you being trans does not excuse any of his behavior. it is not an excuse for abuse, and never will be. you _do_ need to come to terms with the fact that he is abusive. many people here have told you that you are in danger, and it is absolutely true. 

something i would like to ask though, is when did your husband start becoming abusive, and when did he start consuming conservative media? you have presented it as if the conservative media led to the abuse, but i really doubt that they are all that related. 

regardless, please do take care of yourself. our support network lost a friend last year to domestic violence... the danger is very real and your husband has already shown that he is dangerous. if you need resources, we can probably help.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

redHairs said:


> @RandomDude I've just changed my opinion about you. I'm sorry again for my previous posting. And you're more then welcomed in my thread. Maybe I have to change something in my starter message? I just don't know how to write it more polite. And thank you very much for @As'laDain contact


Awww thank you 

Though sadly you were right, there's not much I can offer in terms of help, my perspective can never be the same as those who can relate to your circumstances, just as it can be hard for others to relate to mine. I don't think you need to change anything, and even if you didn't mention it who knows, someone would probably have made a political comment sooner or later lol - it's TAM after all.

I do believe it's important to find a support network right now, hence why I mentioned LGBT clubs, but I've never seen what it's like. This is why I pinged @As'laDain like crazy lol

I'm dating a domestic abuse victim right now as well and I'm learning too. Sometimes my opinion can be harsh like, "why can't you just leave", again I don't know the circumstances. But I am learning to understand their circumstances better, such as the reality of the 'system'. Another lady I'm talking to works at the courts, and it's shocking how it works, no real protection for their victims.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Rob_1 said:


> Well my point was specifically about that comment OP made. there might be more subjugation crap against people in this country today, but nonetheless it has been happening all along, like since humans are humans. That was my point over his 2022.


oh its definitely not crap, its definitely real. 

i do find it ironic that you intentionally misgender her while dismissing the bigotry that people in this country often treat trans people with.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> I do believe it's important to find a support network right now, hence why I mentioned LGBT clubs, but I've never seen what it's like. This is why I pinged @As'laDain like crazy lol


I think, for me LGBT club doesn't work for reasons:
1. I'm stealth and worry to communicate with somebody from LGBT in a case when fact, that I'm not a cis-straight girl is clear. Like visiting LGBT club. I have a couple of "friends" (well, not real friends) on Facebook who are lesbian couple, but they don't know about me. And it's because it's normal for even cis-straight people.
2, Because I have a lifestyle of a straight cis girl, I don't have a lot of commons in cultural aspects with LGB.
3. I have online friends who are transgenders, and keep them far enough to not face with risks of outing. Like special groups of accounts for "trans part of online life". And honestly, I don't have a lot of commons with the biggest part of them, because they're still in the middle of transition. I have, but, I think ~10 online friends, trans girls, who are passing. And can cry them a bit about issues like this. Also, I try to keep some details hided, because always worry if their or my accounts hacked - to not be revealed. But probably it's not a support network, because they're not offline friends.
4. There is another issue. I'm too good in eyes of these transgirls, and usually they cry me. I bought a lot of times different trans people food or hormones (also I bought food cis people with troubles). So, a lot of people don't expect, that I can be somebody who needs sort of help. And honestly, I don't want to let them know, that tales in real life not always same good - because for some of them I'm example of good transition (and it's true, because my current issues is not trans related. It's like a standard girl issues). But for somebody of them, who is jealous, it could help for their mind conditions. Probably I can cry somebody of them. But transgirls who is jealous, usually don't have a female socialization yet. So, they could not understand what really happened.
5. Also, they are all from my home country. I know no transgirls here, after immigration. And because in the past I helped, but not requested a help, it worked, because transgenders in my home country defiantly in much worse position then local trans, and I had no reasons to contact with local trans. Maybe I'm worried myself to be jealous, lol. Especially if somebody was from a liberal family. I think, we have nothing common, because I had a personal hell in the childhood and teen time (when parents not accepted me), and they're not. But it's OK, I think, I could deal with these feelings. People are not equal, it's normal.

Other ideas, of other conservative commentators, are (probably?) wrong by other reasons. Sorry, maybe I'll explain later. Probably, if you're ignore my trans-status, you could address issues better (I think... Maybe I'm wrong).

I think, I need a different type of real life friends - current, which I have, keep a friendship with me to go shopping together, discuss other relationships or content, like novels/love stories or tv shows, or to play with their children (yeah, one my friend has an amazing daughter and i'm really jealous her).
I'm pretty sure, If I start to cry them about my issues, they immediately report my husband to police, what is finally destroys my family, and maybe let me cry them a couple of times. But then, they will not be happy. Maybe somebody of them will try to help me by dating me with somebody. But it doesn't work, because I'm trans, and they don't know it yet. And I am not sure if I want to tell...

I really felt myself comfortable two years ago, when our relationships with husband were perfect, and I had no reasons to discuss trans issues, excluding cases when I help somebody - mean that "hidden part" of "online life".

Maybe I need to find local transgirls who is passing and register in local forums, etc. But somehow I feel it's kinda of step back. I don't know how to explain.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

redHairs said:


> I think, for me LGBT clubs doesn't work for reasons:
> 1. I'm stealth and worry to communicate with somebody from LGBT in a case when fact, that I'm not a cis-straight girl is clear. Like visiting LGBT club. I have a couple of "friends" (well, not real friends) on Facebook who are lesbian couple, but they don't know about me. And it's because it's normal for even cis-straight people.
> 2, Because I have a lifestyle of a straight cis girl, I don't have a lot of commons in cultural aspects with LGB.
> 3. I have online friends who are transgenders, and keep them far enough to not face with risks of outing. Like special groups of accounts for "trans part of online life". And honestly, I don't have a lot of commons with the biggest part of them, because they're still in the middle of transition. I have, but, I think ~10 online friends, trans girls, who are passing. And can cry them a bit about issues like this. Also, I try to keep some details hided, because always worry if their or my accounts hacked - to not be revealed. But probably it's not a support network, because they're not offline friends.
> ...


I see what you mean. I guess you don't have that much in common with them it is true.

As for your friends - if they are your friends they should be happy to help you get out of an abusive situation. However I can see the issues with coming out. How long have you known them? How close are you to them?

Right now I am unsure even how to help with the domestic situation though, regardless of trans issues, because I'm learning recently that laws, court orders, behaviour bonds do not protect many victims from harm. But that's for later, support network first, and I want to know about your current four friends.


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## Garama (3 mo ago)

I can still say that no matter what i don't have hatred for transgender people, and i think that you don't have to be stealth or at least you shouldn't be shy yourself


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