# Blind sided by Husbands choice



## feathers73 (Oct 13, 2014)

A little back story. My husband is 10 years younger than me, I met him when he was 21. In 2 months he moved in, in 4 we were engaged. He adopted my son after we got married (he was 2 when I met my husband) and since then we have had another son who is 6. The first few years were tough, he did some pretty typical young man stuff, but we moved on from that. I am completely in love with him, and a mere 2 weeks ago I was walking on clouds thinking I had such a wonderful life. He is in the National Guard, and he got back from a year deployment in mid February. There is an obvious adjustment period, but everything seemed good. He had to go to school for the Army a few weeks ago, and basically I dropped 1 man off at the airport, and got another back. He was distant, and said something was wrong. I thought it would pass. He left a few days ago. I have done everything wrong, begged, cried, asked for explanations, given ultimatums, put myself down. He tells me he loves me, but I am more of a friend, than a lover. I don't know what to do, I am pretty sure that there is no one else, but of course I have thought that scenario as an explanation. After I woke him up at 4 am this morning and cried, and begged, I started searching on line for answers. I need help, I need to know if I can save this marriage.

To answer a few of the questions: I am ashamed to say that I have checked phone, email, facebook, and it doesn't seem to point to another woman. But I know the new trend is Go-phones, etc. I was previously married to a cheater (I married while I was in the army at 21) and cheating can only stay hidden for so long. We have been together 10 years, he is 31 now. And trust me I struggled with the age gap, and I think it may be a problem now. You ask what are the issues, before about 3 weeks ago I wasn't aware of any. He came back from deployment, we went to Hawaii, we bought Harleys, we got scuba certified, we did everything together. He had his moments, he has memories, but denies PTSD, not because he doesn't have it, but because it will mess up his career. I wish it was another woman, I could at least justify a divorce. I meet couples all the time where the woman is older, so it does work if you love each other.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I think he is / has cheated. You have had a lot of things against you - the age gap, the fact that people in their early 20's who get married have a high rate of divorce, and the fact that he's in the military and away from you for long periods. Anything is possible, but the statistics aren't good.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

He grew up.

That's what happens to people when they get married, have children and deploy for their country. He matured and took on responsibility. The Army is serious business.

You don't say exactly what the issues are in your marriage. What seems to be the issues?


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Revamped said:


> He grew up.
> 
> That's what happens to people when they get married, have children and deploy for their country. He matured and took on responsibility. The Army is serious business.
> 
> You don't say exactly what the issues are in your marriage. What seems to be the issues?


She wrote...

"...and basically I dropped 1 man off at the airport, and got another back. He was distant, and said something was wrong. I thought it would pass. He left a few days ago. I have done everything wrong, begged, cried, asked for explanations, given ultimatums, put myself down. He tells me he loves me, but I am more of a friend, than a lover. I don't know what to do, I am pretty sure that there is no one else, but of course I have thought that scenario as an explanation."


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

I think it might be very difficult to save your marriage if his feelings have changed. He is only 21. He's so young and is still trying to find himself. There are still so many changes as he will continually change his mind. One day he may want something completely different from the day before as he is still growing.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I hope you will find comfort soon and that your husband will maybe "snap" out of it.

The one advice I can give you is please stop begging him or putting yourself down. It only makes you feel worse and puts him in a pedestal. You need to maintain your self-worth. And it's also unattractive to be so "desperate" with your actions. Give him space and time; I know it's hard to do but you must. At the end of the day, your husband will do what he pleases and nothing you can do will change it.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

feathers73 said:


> I am pretty sure that there is no one else, .


And this, my dear, is where you are dead wrong. 

It's time to rule out if there's another woman and who it is. You need to go into spy mode and check his electronic devices. Do not confront him about this or let him know you are spying. 

What type of phone does he use and can you get into his e mail, face book, etc? 

It's not that he "grew up" as has been suggested because grown up men don't do what he did to you, only cheaters.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

He's found a more age-appropriate prospect and wants to explore it.

It was very wrong for him to marry at such a young age and adopt someone else's baby. These situations rarely turn out well in today's world.

I'm not sure what you were thinking marrying a 21 year old who was 10 years younger than you?! 21 year old men are not mature enough to make the right kind of coffee for themselves let alone marrying and adopting a child.

He's definitely cheating and will probably continue to do so if you stay married to him.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

OP,

do you and your husband may be have a mutual friend you could ask what is going on with him?




hardcandy said:


> I think it might be very difficult to save your marriage if his feelings have changed. He is only 21.


I don't think she said he was 21, he was when they met. Now years seem to have passed. They have a six year old child together and he adopted her other child.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

synthetic said:


> He's found a more age-appropriate prospect and wants to explore it.
> 
> It was very wrong for him to marry at such a young age and adopt someone else's baby. These situations rarely turn out well in today's world.
> 
> ...


You are being very oppinionated here.
My hubby is 15 years older and I am still rather young... and no I did not cheat on him and do not plan to.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I'll make tea said:


> You are being very oppinionated here.
> My hubby is 15 years older and I am still rather young... and no I did not cheat on him and do not plan to.


Men being younger (by 10 years) is different than the reverse.

Men mature later than women (typically) so the man being older often poses no real risk. It's different when a 21 year old man marries a 31 year old woman and adopts her child. that's just a very shaky foundation.

21 is waaay too young to get married for a man. In today's world, it's just wrong.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Don't want to nitpick but that sounds a bit sexist towards men for me.

In former times a lot of people of boths genders married at 16 or 17 didn't they?


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> Don't want to nitpick but that sounds a bit sexist towards men for me.
> 
> In former times a lot of people of boths genders married at 16 or 17 didn't they?


I think Synthetic is speaking from maturity. Marriage is always a risk. A 21 year old moving in and marrying a 31 year old woman sounds like a young man looking for security. At that age he couldn't possibly know what he wanted to do with the rest of his life as he'd had no experience. She was ready but alas it sounds like he really wasn't.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

feathers73 said:


> He is in the National Guard, and he got back from a year deployment in mid February. There is an obvious adjustment period, but everything seemed good. He had to go to school for the Army a few weeks ago, and basically I dropped 1 man off at the airport, and got another back. He was distant, and said something was wrong. I thought it would pass. He left a few days ago.


A year long deployment changes who he is. Things seen can never be unseen. He may have undiagnosed PTSD.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

For a change to occur that quickly, I would think it's an affair, either emotional or physical or both. You need to read about the 180. Not to save your marriage, but to save your sanity. You have children to think of and can't afford to fall apart.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I'm thinking PTSD also. I have never been away from my family for more than a night. Once had to go to the Parole Academy for sex offender supervision training for a week which was over 500 miles away. The topic for me is very stressful...added to being away from my wife and children for first time...and having no one from any of the offices in our district at the same training I felt alone and along way from home. IIt was too much for me and i shut down emotionally to cope...Dr. said it sounded like PTSD. After I got home I was just numb...felt no emotion...I new something was wrong with me but did not know what..I felt no emotion for my wife or my own two boys...it scared me. After a week the emotional bond started to come back. That was just from being gone a week.


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## feathers73 (Oct 13, 2014)

synthetic said:


> He's found a more age-appropriate prospect and wants to explore it.
> 
> It was very wrong for him to marry at such a young age and adopt someone else's baby. These situations rarely turn out well in today's world.
> 
> ...


I married him because he was very mature, amazing, and other than his age was everything I wanted. We have had many great years. Why is it that my age is a problem? Men do this ALL the time and its ok


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's not just an age thing, but development. Your brain is not fully developed until your late 20s. 

I was always considered highly "mature" for my age. People would come to me for advice all the time. That didn't stop me from re-evaluating what I wanted around 29.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What are the dumb young men things you mention and why are they relevant to this discussion? I'm thinking they must be or you wouldn't have raised them.


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## feathers73 (Oct 13, 2014)

When we were first married, he was in contact with exes. He went as far as to go visit one in California when I went to see my sister in the hospital after she had my niece 5 weeks early. I assume he slept with her, but he denies it. I was going to end the relationship, and he begged, was willing to do anything to keep us together. We went to marriage counseling, communicated, and it was like we started over. And it was wonderful. I hold on to the scars of betrayal, but work on trust everyday. If I thought he was cheating, honestly, it would make this a lot easier.
He states he doesn't know whats wrong with him right now.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

he's cheating. 

you know he slept with his ex and you're in denial about it. You're working on trust with a guy that you know lied to you. I don't get that. 

if you want to save your marriage you have to operate on reality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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