# Fighting a losing battle?



## tess80 (Mar 17, 2011)

H and I have been together 10 years,married for 2 and a half years. On NY day this year, after an argument, I get the whole "I love you but not in love with you" speech & "I just don't feel the same about you". Did the normal reaction to it all - cry, plead, beg, obviously to no avail. He said he had "tried" & wanted me to have everything, money from the apartment, still pay money into my account every month. I was gobsmacked! He then went through a phase of getting very drunk & going out till all hours including staying in hotels on occasions. I continued to be nice & not talk about the situation. 

A week later (call it woman's intuition) I checked his phone & saw texts from OW. I immediately confronted him to which he turned around & said I violated his privacy. Apparently it was nothing more than coffee & that surely I bought coffee for my male colleagues. I asked what has actually happened & he said they had kissed. My world if course fell apart. I got the ultimatum that I could throw him out or trust him to which I did the latter. 2 months I carried on being nice & in the mean time we managed to get a buyer for our apartment we have been trying to sell for a year & he changed jobs (so thought he would not be around OW). 

2 weeks ago, H decides that he is going to stay at parents for a while (whilst they are away). He takes the Friday off without telling me & takes the car. I travel abroad as part of my work & he emails the following Monday to ask if I needed the car, to which I responded no as I was away for the week. Without my knowledge, he decides that he will come back to the apartment as I am not there as it is easier for his commute. We continue to email to sort out sale of the apartment. Whilst away, I check his email account to find cinema tickets booked for 2 people. I return on Thursday of that week, which he was not expecting & called me quite angrily asking where I was & if I was returning to the flat. I said I intended to but will stay at a friends if he is there. Thought nothing of it but had the day off the following day & returned to get some mail & clothes. I found a hotel receipt booked under OW name & that he had paid for as well as half a box of condoms in his bag. World fell apart (again). Left apartment & now living with a friend. Felt sick to the stomach. 

Have been ignoring his calls but replying to texts about the apartment sale etc. and use of car. As he has realised I am staying at a friends, he emailed to say that he would use the flat as it was more convenient for him. I said that I was going to go back on Thursday last week & he asked if it was ok if he was there. I stupidly replied yes. But didn't go back and he tried to ring twice very late that night. I then got a text to say "I take it you are not coming back, good night where ever you are". Second text said we need to proceed with a Divorce, we are not using solicitors dealing with flat sale as they are Sh!t. And I'm always calling you so you can call me tomorrow to discuss. I replied I wasn't coming back to the apartment & I would ring him tomorrow. He replied "don't bother, just let me know what is going on with the sale, I'll be f£cked off if sale falls through. Got a call the next day apologising for his moodiness. Said we need to discuss things (I'm not ready to face him yet). 

Trying part of the 180, but don't know what to do. I know it seems stupid but I do still want to save this marriage, even though he doesn't seem willing to. Is there any hope left or should I just let go?


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## airplane (Mar 15, 2011)

You will get more replies if you break your post into paragraphs. Posting like this is almost as hard to read as all caps.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm sorry to say that your husband is in a full fledged affair, until that relationship ends you really don't have a chance to save your marriage, move back home, if he wants out let him go, set your boundaries and make your decisions based on what he does, if he won't give her up then expose the affair to everyone you know and tell him when he is ready to commit to the marriage you will work with him to fix whatever is wrong.........
affairs survive in secrecy, exposing stops the fantasy and brings reality into the fore front......
In the meantime act calmly and try not to have angry outbursts. If he leaves to continue his relationship with the OW, go no contact with him, let him feel what his decisions are doing to his life, let the other woman meet all his needs he will soon learn she isn't that great..........she is just a woman willing to open her legs to someone else's husband, nothing about that is a good thing to build a relationship on. 
Your job is to set the boundaries, move back home an don't let him disrespect you with this any longer.........his choice, you protect yourself in the meantime financially ...............


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## tess80 (Mar 17, 2011)

I apologise for the long posting as it was written on an iphone. I will look to edit and break it up for easier reading..


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

2 years and he cheats, drinks.. all that jazz.

Well, you may or may not find this comforting but the fact is that most couples lose the voodoo spell of love after 2 years. When we areunder this spell, we see the other person as perfect, and then one day we are disgusted to find out that they are actually normal people!! The Nerve!!! 

People that lose the feeling of voodoo love and then look to replace it, are often destine to a life of bad relationships because this will happen time and time again. Then when they dinnally do settle in and acept it.. they view the world as loveless and they imagine their existance as just settling for something, rather than enjoying the one they have. 

Pretty sad and pathetic huh? Yeah I think so too. Without this knowledge, he will not have any motivation to change. 

I generally follow a pattern of advice - if it is under 4 years and there are no kids, i usually suggest a split. This is because you will invest more time repairing the relationship than you have already invested. IT also is because cheating parters who act upon the love-loss feeling are emotionally underdeveloped and that poses a whole different set of problems. 

So.. my advice is to move on, But at least now you will know why this happened. 

There is no excuse to cheat, but there are always valid reasons to feel a need to. Acting on those reasons is a testemant to the character of the person.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

jessi said:


> I'm sorry to say that your husband is in a full fledged affair, until that relationship ends you really don't have a chance to save your marriage, move back home, if he wants out let him go, set your boundaries and make your decisions based on what he does, if he won't give her up then expose the affair to everyone you know and tell him when he is ready to commit to the marriage you will work with him to fix whatever is wrong.........
> affairs survive in secrecy, exposing stops the fantasy and brings reality into the fore front......
> In the meantime act calmly and try not to have angry outbursts. If he leaves to continue his relationship with the OW, go no contact with him, let him feel what his decisions are doing to his life, let the other woman meet all his needs he will soon learn she isn't that great..........she is just a woman willing to open her legs to someone else's husband, nothing about that is a good thing to build a relationship on.
> Your job is to set the boundaries, move back home an don't let him disrespect you with this any longer.........his choice, you protect yourself in the meantime financially ...............


I agree entirely with this quote. Far too many Loyal Spouses are harmed emotionally and financially because of the actions of their selfish Disloyal Spouse or significant other partner. Why should you hand over the control and the reigns to him?

Take control immediately. Move back into the flat. Tell him to leave and that you are taking over the flat in the meantime until he sorts out where he wants to be and it isn't at the flat, for sure. Take along a trusted friend to help support you during this harrowing and difficult situation. You might want to throw all his gear into a suitcase and leave it outside. He will soon get the message. 

Write to him and say that he is the wrong-doer here and if anyone should move out it should be HIM, not YOU. 

The emotional turmoil, the treachery that you are experiencing is the most painful, devasting experience one can possibly endure. 

There needs to be an international movement of Betrayed Spouses and Long Term Partners seeking a demand from lawmakers that infidelity should be treated as one of the most PERSONAL OF PERSONAL INJURIES that one can endure. Infidelity in a relationship should result in the wrong doer been sued for more of the assets in a breakup. The Disloyal Spouse AND the Other Person should personally suffer additional personal loss. That should firm up the selfish minds of those wanting to have their 'cake and eat it' types at the expense of others.

Why should a family suffer hardship because of the selfish actions of a disloyal? 

If a person wants out of a marriage or long term relationship they should be decent and not take the cowardly way out. That doesn't always happen of course; hence the need for a DS/OP to lose more than JUST a family! There needs to be additional personal redress.

Your husband (as pointed out) is in an affair situation and he is entertaining a women who is happy to move into YOUR LIFE and SHARE YOUR husband and your husband is happy to SHARE HIMSELF in HER and in her life but, there is a problem here. Did either of them ask YOU to be part of this new SPOUSE SHARING AGREEMENT? Of course not! 

Has your husband been picking fault on everything you do of late? You can do nothing right? Has he treated you badly that the other woman and his "poor me" and "my wife doesn't understand me" type talks has resulted in HER advice influencing HIS actions towards you in your home, thus affecting the stability of your life? If so, this is the worst type of situation where the other person changes and influences the DS behaviour that results in YOU fleeing YOUR OWN HOME! How can that be right? So she and he get an easy ride and it is they who are rewarded whilst you are chased out of your own home facing a life now in turmoil! It happens so often and it has to stop. Kick this to the kerb.

Maybe this other woman is married too? Find out everything about her and EXPOSE HER INFIDELITY to her family, her husband, her work place. It's time for her to get some havoc in her life. OK?

Imagine having intercouse when another has been there just before you? Someone here on TAM said "sloppy seconds" its horrible, I know but true. Your sexual health and emotional health has been kicked to the kerb by two selfish, self centred people with low morals and with issues about themselves and it is THEY who should suffer the FINANCIAL FALLOUT, and LOSE EVERYTHING, not YOU.

When anyone tells you they are having an affair you should perhaps treat that person with the respect they deserve.....NONE! 

Homewreckers are a scurge on society. They affect children's lives, partner's lives, a spouse's home life, the immediate family and extended family's lives, they also affect businesses too. Yup, they too are affected because of their selfish actions because business production is likely to be affected and some companies could be sued too for allowing an environment to be created that allows an affair between co-workers. The pain could result in YOU losing YOUR JOB whilst they enjoy a cosy affair.

Then there is the cost of rising health premiums and the use of health services because often a LS may need to seek help from healthcare professionals in order to receive medication to help get through the emotional fallout effects of infidelity.

If you want to save your marriage make him realise exactly what he is going to lose, do not pander to HIS WANTS but, take control and look after YOURSELF.

Facing such a situation can destroy the best people, so please be strong. Protect YOU not him. 

Many Disloyal Spouses have absolutely no idea of the pain they are causing their LS because all that matters is themself, no-one else. 

Decent people should stay well clear of anyone who has been involved in an affair. Such people ought to come with a health and wealth risk warning for they are truly bad news.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Lazarus said:


> There needs to be an international movement of Betrayed Spouses and Long Term Partners seeking a demand from lawmakers that infidelity should be treated as one of the most PERSONAL OF PERSONAL INJURIES that one can endure. Infidelity in a relationship should result in the wrong doer been sued for more of the assets in a breakup. The Disloyal Spouse AND the Other Person should personally suffer additional personal loss. That should firm up the selfish minds of those wanting to have their 'cake and eat it' types at the expense of others.


I so agree with this part!:smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First, you need to find out of the OW is married or partnered. If she is, you need to tell her partner TODAY. Expose the affair. 

If he wants a divorce, let him file. Also, he doesn't get to dictate to you the outcome of the house, $, divorce. If he tells you stuff like that, tell him to send you the paperwork and "I will review it with my lawyer." End conversation.

NO chasing him, begging, pleading, calling him, nada. Tell him you won't be in an open relationship where there is a third party.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

Move on girlfriend. You deserve better.


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## tess80 (Mar 17, 2011)

I completely agree with what everyone is are saying, thank you for all the support, it is just easier said to kick him out than done at the moment. He is my childhood sweetheart and the only relationship I have been in, so the thought of starting over again terrifies me. I know my story is probably no different to a lot that come on here, but it helps to see similarities and that I'm not going mad. I'm sure DS's must all use the same manual out there!

Lazurus - completely agree that there should be some sort movement or law which supports all BS's out there. 10 years I spent with this guy and as he is the breadwinner (which I have supported) I'm the one who is going to end up in a flat share, whilst OW gets to enjoy the wages of his new job. She has also denied me of a happy marriage & family - he was only talking about kids in November, she then slings herself on to him at the Xmas party and the rest as they say is history. I know he is also to blame in this, dont get me wrong.

From looking at other posts, I'm sure in time I'll come round to thinking and acting more sensibly. I am looking to move back into the flat this weekend and confronting him. It will be the first time I have seen him since I have found out, so trying to compose myself for it. 

Unfortunately, the OW is not married or partnered as I had asked this when I found the texts. She even knows I know about them. How sick is that, that she would continue to pursue the affair by booking the hotel room and then getting my husband to pay for it!

Just found out yesterday that he has today off and wanted the car "so that he could perhaps get a round of golf in". No doubt another seedy weekend away, this is the car he wants me to have and he will continue paying for. He even emailed me to tell me to apologise but he would have to move money from our joint account as he was £400 overdrawn. He has never been that overdrawn since we've been together and was always very careful with money. He has seldom used the joint account over the past few weeks which suggests to me that he is covering his tracks.

I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on anyone, although from the number of members here, it seems as if it is a common thing in society today. Are people just more accepting to having less morals nowadays?


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

tess80 said:


> Unfortunately, the OW is not married or partnered as I had asked this when I found the texts.


Don't believe a word he says to you. Cheaters are plausible, they live duplicitous lives. Trust not a word uttered from his mouth. Find out yourself, do your own research and trust your own gut instinct.

You may wish to follow the advice of some of the successful people here in getting their WS back. Affaircare offers good advice and many others too.

You need to urgently visit your bank. Phone them first and get advice to protect yourself. He is spending family money. That has to stop. This is your husband and your marriage even if you don't have kids. He's spending family money on her. Kick it to the kerb and get the important urgent advice you need right away to protect yourself. Don't let him rack up joint debts in your name. Your lovable spouse ain't lovable whilst in an affair, a deceitful liar is what you are facing right now. 

If you want him back that's your decision to save your marriage and go into the mode to attack and preserve it but at the moment it is as leaky as a sieve and he's in control draining everything and possibly exposing you to increasing debt and now YOU ARE FUNDING HIS INFIDELITY. Every meal HE TAKES HER out to, if he's overdrawn your are jointly liable to fund him and her eating cake. Take action immediately. Phone your joint account companies right now and seek advice to immediately protect yourself.

He may be your childhood sweetheart but things could get a whole lot worse than a £400 overdraft. Get a friend to help you if necessary to take over the phone call if you are in an emotional state.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

tess80 said:


> He even emailed me to tell me to apologise but he would have to move money from our joint account as he was £400 overdrawn. He has never been that overdrawn since we've been together and was always very careful with money. He has seldom used the joint account over the past few weeks which suggests to me that he is covering his tracks.


Just to be clear, it seems he is attempting to cover his tracks by now draining the joint account. He's addicted. It won't last. One positive sign for you in all of this for your relationship is the fact he phoned to apologise and alert you to this withdrawal from the joint account. That may not always be the case. 

Best of Luck this weekend. Be strong and armed with a plan to protect your marriage and protect yourself. Start considering what YOU WANT. Don't be his doormat in this situation. Get rid of the other woman, she's bad news for you and your wellbeing.


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## tess80 (Mar 17, 2011)

Right. So I finally confront him last night, bearing in mind I haven't seen him in nearly a month (longest in 10 years we have been apart). Did the charge neutral bit of telling him I knew he was having an affair. Asked how I knew and I said I just did. Didn't disclose my sources. He thought I had access to his bank account, opened his post or had some sort of tracking device on his phone! I eventually told him what I knew and he didn't know what to say. I eventually get a "for what it's worth, I am sorry. Not because I got caught, but because I truly am, I've disappointed you". I couldn't believe it! I was expecting nothing of the sort. Even said that it hadn't really been worth it. Told me information that I had asked for but didn't divulge in anything new. Said he was going to tell me but bottled it. 
Lots of tears and talking about past memories, present & future. He wants me to have our car, but I said I didn't want it as she had been in it. Said he would buy me whatever I wanted. No mention of divorce? No mention of not continuing the affair? No idea what he wants, if he wants to continue with the marriage. Said how much he had missed me, missed my smell, missed me being beside him. Even tried and "make love" to me last night which I rejected. Said it was too soon. This morning, he was very distant and hardly spoke to me again? What is going on?! So much for me second guessing that they would run off in the sunset together..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear of what transpired. Good for exposing and confronting him. GOOD for you for not revealing your sources. He got caught red-handed. Now you need to decide what YOU want. Do you want to be with him? Do you think you can work past it? What would you require in order for recovery to be possible, if you want that? You need to tell him what YOU want and what you WILL and WILL NOT put up with. If she is in the picture, your marriage doesn't stand a chance at recovery. The longer he cake-eats, the worse, Tess. You need to stand your ground right now. 



tess80 said:


> Unfortunately, the OW is not married or partnered as I had asked this when I found the texts.


Just because he is SAYING he's not married/partnered doesn't mean she is. Cheaters lie, as you know. Believe half of what you hear, half of what you see.


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## tess80 (Mar 17, 2011)

So WH disappears for the weekend to "visit" some friends. Due to complicated living arrangements, I have moved back in. Apartment sale finally going through this week. How come I am the one left on the shelf and homeless when he has done what he has?! Life had better have something with gold lining in for me in the future..

Last night I come home to try and pack some more. WH is in a foul mood trying to work out what direct debits to cancel etc. Suddenly remembers that we need to redirect our post. I've already done mine (whilst he was out with his OW over the weekend). He laughs in a sarcastic way to say that he was trying to be "amicable" in all this but now realises why we are down this road. WTF?! I said I didn't know where he wanted his post sent to. Apparently I should have called/emailed to ask. 
Somehow, he slept with someone else yet I'm okay to be his secretary?! It's alright for him to be using the boxes I went to get and eating half my dinners two nights running, yet I apparently don't do anything for him and that is why we are down this road?!

I have no idea who this man is


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## tess80 (Mar 17, 2011)

So he came home from work and asked if I would like to go out to watch the football and for something to eat. Was civil and friendly in the pub, but descended downhill when we went for something to eat.

I started asking the questions and really wish I hadn’t but needed to know where I stood. So he told me he thinks something could come out between him and OW and that he cares for her. Apparently, he told her that I left him (as she didn’t want to get involved with a married man). I have a right mind to tell her that we have been sharing the flat together for the last week and that I never left him, he left me. Think he is on the fence, wants her (infatuation and all new, he admitted it) but we have the history. I don’t want to be waiting to see if he comes round. Asked him why he did it and he said because he was bored and didn’t do bored well.

Was saying some horrible things about how we got engaged and that before he knew it the wedding was happening. We took 2 years to plan our wedding?! Admittedly, the proposal wasn't fairytale, but I can't believe some of the stuff he came out with. Said something about the colours we used and not liking it and the cravat that he didn’t like because he didn’t want the clip to show?! Said he would never get married again that he couldn't stand in front of his friends & family and say vows that he had broken first time round.

Asked if there was any going back and he said that he wouldn’t be able to trust me as he would be forever thinking that because he did what he did that I would do it back. Said he thought that I was seeing one of my colleagues when I was in my first job (we are talking 8 years ago!) And I wasn’t.

Said that I hadn’t changed in the 10 years that we had been together, the way I said things.

He apologised this morning for making me upset, (note not for what he said) and said that is always what happens when we both drink. I tried to reason with him that it wasn’t the case, but he didn’t agree.

So I feel rubbish again.


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## tess80 (Mar 17, 2011)

So flat has now gone. I am staying at a friends until I decide what I want to do LT. WH has gone to a friends for weekend & then moving to his brother's. Any chance of R seems completely diminished now.

We stored a lot of our stuff at PIL. When we got there, there was an envelope with his name on it. Turns out to be the invitation to his brother's wedding. Asked if I had received mine. I said I wasn't invited. He wondered why (duh!) said he would talk to them about it. Why would I go to a family wedding if I'm not going to be part if the family anymore?! Doesn't anyone else think that it's all s bit odd? 

Part if me wishes that I had "hysterically bonded" with him last week, at least it would have been the last goodbye. 

Asked if we were likely to see each other again & he said of course, we've been getting along really well over the last few days. 

So I feel completely in limbo now. There is nothing left for him to come back to and the OW does not have a partner. The only thing I can do to oust the affair is to tell OW that WH has lied to her & blind copy all his ex colleagues. Has this worked for anybody? I know this would piss my WH right off and may end up hating me, but I feel like it is my only option to end the affair..


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Tess80:

This is what you should understand :

Today as it is your marriage is over
There is zero chance of recovery while there is an OW in the picture
YES you must expose the lies and deceit to all, her friends, family, his family and friends. 
He will be angry, Why? because you have told the truth and his lies are being exposed to all. Their fantasy will be shattered. 
When the affair fog has cleared and only then will you have the chance of any form of relationship with him.
If your relationship does not recover, by telling the truth you will giving the the OW a chance to save herself from a world of lies and pain from your husband and he cannot gaslighting you . There is nothing worse than the truth to shatter the lies of an affair. 

Below is a sample of words for you to use.



> It grieves me to write this letter but I believe friends and family should know that XXX is having an adulterous affair with my husband, (your husbands first and last name) . They started the affair in ZZZZ.
> 
> As you may know XXX and has taken advantage of my husband to impose herself into our marriage.
> 
> ...


,

Send out the mails if you have the addresses, if you can access her facebook page do so and send the same message to all her friends, 60 second apart. Blind copy then in as well as her, do not change is as she will then not know who you have sent this to and the words will make her most uncomfortable. 

BTW reading your note, your husband is jerking you around and the expose,he is playing with you. 

If in doubt about the exposure and further plans buy "Surviving an Affair "by Harley , read the articles on 

Affair care 
http://www.affaircare.com/Articles.htm

and Marriage builders

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html

Send the mail 

Best wishes


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## tess80 (Mar 17, 2011)

Thanks Eli-zor. Have spent the weekend trying to locate her, but she does not appear to be friends with any of WS ex colleagues on FB. WS has also deleted his profile from FB. Located some of WS ex colleagues and am looking to blind copy them in. Have drafted the following email:

I know that you are having an affair with my husband. Your relationship with my husband is NOT okay. We are going through an extremely difficult time at the moment, however this affair is coming between us and making it impossible to try and heal our marriage. As much as I would like you to respect our marriage, I understand that he is also contacting you. I cannot do much about this but I would like you to know the following.

I know he told you that I had left him. This is not true. He has told you this because you had said to him that you did not want to get involved with a married man. He has been dishonest & deceitful with me by having an affair with you and as lied and been dishonest with you for saying that I had left him. He left me to see you in Brighton for the weekend. I was then travelling with work the following week and found out about the two of you on my return. I went to stay with a friend for a few weeks to get myself together. You have no idea what it is like to have discovered infidelity in a marriage and I would hope that you never will. No matter what problems we had, I did not deserve to be cheated on. I have since returned to our apartment and we have both been living there together. I bet he failed to tell you that also. I had not walked out on our marriage. I know how convincing he can be, I have been with him for 10 years. But then again, I never thought he was capable of doing what he has. 

If you decide that you want to continue to see H, the onus is on you. I am telling you this because if I was in your position, I would want to know what I was getting myself into. To have a relationship which is based on infidelity and lies from the offset does not sound very promising to me. When I asked him why he did this, he said because he was bored and did not cope with being bored well. I’m not trying to justify anything, I think that comment sums him up. Would you want to be with someone who has such low morals that he would betray his wife and his marriage vows, lie to you and shift out when he gets “bored”? I leave that choice entirely down to you. 

Editing/views much appreciated..


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sounds kind of high school. I would have gone the route of

I will tear your beating out and feed it my cats you beotch.


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