# How I sent him off on a positive note



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I am very nearly deliriously laughing.

Mission: be a cheerful sweetheart, send hubby away for weekend letting him know he is cared for and appreciated, be happy regardless of his attitude.

Accomplished.

Wild card: he's STILL not happy. :rofl:

He had a 4-hour meeting this morning. Got home around 12:30.

He walks in door.
Me: "Hi!" kiss hello "How was your meeting?"
chitchat, small talk
Me: "Want me to heat up that soup, or do you just want the lunch i packed for you to go?"
Him: "I need to get going."

<<<Mind-read: no soup. Just bag lunch. Roger.>>>>>

He starts loading his car. I help.

I keep helping, I pick things up even before he does.

Him: "Stop rushing me out the door! You're rushing me out the door!" (um, though you were in a hurry.)

<<Mind-read: he feels unwanted. Roger.>>

Me, no emotion: "I'm not rushing. I'm helping." I put the stuff down, and go back to what I was doing. Continue with chitchat: "What are your plans this weekend? Did they feed you this morning?"

5 minutes later, he says: "Bye. Have fun with your sisters."

Me: "I'll walk you out."

I walk him out to car. I give him a hug. I look at him straight in the eyes and say: "I love you. Gimme a kiss."

Him: "I love you too"--in a tone of voice one might use if one is saying: "Yes, I'll clean the toilet with my own toothbrush, stop nagging."

Me: "Thanks for working so hard all morning. Let me know when you get there so I know you're safe, drive safely!" 

He gets in his car. I stand and watch, smiling and waving, wait for him to look at me for a wave, smile, kiss-blow. 

Either he doesn't see me, or he passive-aggressively looks straight ahead to avoid looking at me. 

Good God. 

I have a feeling he's thinking, "She's so happy I'm leaving, that's why she's in such a good f-ing mood."

BUT...I still went out of my way to be nice, caring, helpful, and appreciative. Because that's what you do when your husband works hard all morning and has a 5-hour drive ahead of him.

But he STILL didn't seem happy.

WHATEVER!!!!!

Once again--I know I did my best, know I didn't do anything wrong, know I'm feeling good, happy, NOT hurt, NOT pathetic, NOT needy, am throwing up my hands in amused bewilderment, AND am getting closer and closer to ultimatum/2x4 day!!! 

It is entirely up to him if he wants to make my decision easier for me. 

And...I'm really looking forward to a great weekend!


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

Realize, I am no pro and am going through my own issues. You can see my posts, heck, you may even be the one that could end up helping, as you are female. However, I have quickly learned over the past 6 weeks, that no matter how nice and going the extra mile to show it. The other spouse may not be ready for it at this time. It really sucks I know. I like receiving admiration and affection and give it as well, and my spouse likes neither. Maybe "try" to pull back a little bit and not go the extra mile. I started doing that via "180" and found real quick that the tables turned and now I am the bad guy. But...Its obviouse you want to try and fix things, and from what I have heard, you are like me, you want to see a quick fix, I am not just starting to understand that whatever your issues are/were, there is no quick fix. have you read any mc books? Im not a reader, but I have read 2 now that have really helped me understand my spouse, but more important, I learned a lot about myself that I did not realize. Its hard, no excuses there, maybe just keep venting here and I am finding it does help me. We are all here for each other. I even suggested this site for my wife, but she doesnt need anyone to tell her what and who she is. She is perfectly satisfied on her own who she is and what she wants, so I have now learned I can only control my own reactions. Hold back a bit. Let it go for a few days. I will try to take a look at your other posts as I know you have them and see if maybe I can possibly help you from a mans perspective. If your interested. LOL, that is not intended to be a pickup line at all.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

You've become an awesome wife. It's a shame that he can't see it. I'm almost positive that the only thing that will get to this man is the ultimatum. 

Enjoy your weekend!


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Damned if you do.Damned if you don't. 

I'm glad you're feeling good though. Selfish as it sounds, it really is the most important step to making things better...


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You did a really good job.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Give him time to get use to the new you. He's probably suspicious about what you are up to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

CharlieBrown said:


> Realize, I am no pro and am going through my own issues. You can see my posts, heck, you may even be the one that could end up helping, as you are female. However, I have quickly learned over the past 6 weeks, that no matter how nice and going the extra mile to show it. The other spouse may not be ready for it at this time. It really sucks I know. I like receiving admiration and affection and give it as well, and my spouse likes neither. Maybe "try" to pull back a little bit and not go the extra mile. I started doing that via "180" and found real quick that the tables turned and now I am the bad guy. But...Its obviouse you want to try and fix things, and from what I have heard, you are like me, you want to see a quick fix, I am not just starting to understand that whatever your issues are/were, there is no quick fix. have you read any mc books? Im not a reader, but I have read 2 now that have really helped me understand my spouse, but more important, I learned a lot about myself that I did not realize. Its hard, no excuses there, maybe just keep venting here and I am finding it does help me. We are all here for each other. I even suggested this site for my wife, but she doesnt need anyone to tell her what and who she is. She is perfectly satisfied on her own who she is and what she wants, so I have now learned I can only control my own reactions. Hold back a bit. Let it go for a few days. I will try to take a look at your other posts as I know you have them and see if maybe I can possibly help you from a mans perspective. If your interested. LOL, that is not intended to be a pickup line at all.


CB, I appreciate it.

But the reason I'm amused and bewildered is because 180-type stuff pisses him off too.

Summary of our almost-year long marriage:

I try to "communicate" and fix. Pisses him off. 
I am disappointed and have emotional needs. Pisses him off.
I do some 180 stuff. Pisses him off.
I am happy and need nothing. Pisses him off.
I cheerfully move on from an issue as if nothing's wrong. Pisses him off.

The boy donnow what he wants.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> Give him time to get use to the new you. He's probably suspicious about what you are up to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That has been part of my mantra for M O N T H S

The "new me" has been evolving for awhile.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Does he have a condition that might make him short tempered? ADHD perhaps or depression?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> Does he have a condition that might make him short tempered? ADHD perhaps or depression?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's insecure and doesn't realize it.

I think he's depressed.

He doesn't know who he is. 

He's not happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

Are you sure he was happy? He could have just been distracted thinking about his trip. The conversation didn't sound to me to be anything except an ordinary one.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

tpb72 said:


> Are you sure he was happy? He could have just been distracted thinking about his trip. The conversation didn't sound to me to be anything except an ordinary one.


He's not happy. But is terrified to talk to me about it.

He is like a caged animal. Miserable and unhappy, snaps when you get close to try and help.

He doesn't want to do any of the things that would help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

Keep your chin up and dont give up. It sounds like you are getting stronger everyday. Even though you feel dissapointed, it is a sign your getting stronger. Maybe he is juggling too many things at once right now and has a hard time focusing on everything at one time. I dont know. Just keep yourself positive and in the end, this is about you and your happyness. geesh, maybe i should take my own advise. But, I do KNOW how tough it is to be in this situation, its all I can do anymore just to concentrate on anything and getting to work is some days impossible, but it does get better. Your doing a GREAT job and doing your part. Keep at it for YOU!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

CharlieBrown said:


> Keep your chin up and dont give up. It sounds like you are getting stronger everyday. Even though you feel dissapointed, it is a sign your getting stronger. Maybe he is juggling too many things at once right now and has a hard time focusing on everything at one time. I dont know. Just keep yourself positive and in the end, this is about you and your happyness. geesh, maybe i should take my own advise. But, I do KNOW how tough it is to be in this situation, its all I can do anymore just to concentrate on anything and getting to work is some days impossible, but it does get better. Your doing a GREAT job and doing your part. Keep at it for YOU!


Thanks, CB.

He told me to stop needing him so much for my happiness.
He had a point.
So I am, really and truly.

I don't know what he wants. But I know what I want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Unless you have ever been that angry, depressed person you have no idea how impossible it is to change or to even see it in yourself.

You are doing an awesome job but I highly doubt he will ever change until he has to. And even then it will take professional help.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Unless you have ever been that angry, depressed person you have no idea how impossible it is to change or to even see it in yourself.
> 
> You are doing an awesome job but I highly doubt he will ever change until he has to. And even then it will take professional help.


you make a very important point.

When he sees happiness and joy in me, it bothers him because I have something he doesn't have.
So he tries to tear me down.

I'm starting to remember that I didn't marry a happy person. (And at the time, I was codependent, impulsive, and self-destructive enough to find meaning in the role I played for him)

But this is why part of what he needs to hear will be:

"i love you so much I want to see you happy and at peace--without it pertaining to what I do or dont do--and I hope you love yourself and care for our marriage enough to do that."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> When he sees happiness and joy in me, it bothers him because I have something he doesn't have.  So he tries to tear me down.


It's not this simple and it has nothing to do with you or any of his circumstances. It isn't about tearing you down it's about triggers. His not yours. There are things you do (not your fault) that remind him of his mother, father, whoever and like ptsd he explodes in rage. And yes he probably is mad that you aren't wallowing in misery with him like you used to (arguments). And unless professional help (or medication) is sought he will likely continue this way for the rest of his life.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> It's not this simple and it has nothing to do with you or any of his circumstances. It isn't about tearing you down it's about triggers. His not yours. There are things you do (not your fault) that remind him of his mother, father, whoever and like ptsd he explodes in rage. And unless professional help (or medication) is sought he will likely continue this way for the rest of his life.


I know...mc touched on this. He knows this happens. But he still tells me it's up to me to avoid triggering him.

what could I say that would help him be willing to seek professional help?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

It's not up to you to avoid triggering him. He has to take ownership to fix it so he can manage it. I think it's okay to respectfully ask that you accomodate some of his triggers but if you have to walk on eggshells you have gone too far. For example I startle easy so my husband knows not to scare me. For a long time I was a bit obsessive about clutter (I'm not anymore) so he was good about picking up after himself to help keep me calm. These were things we negotiated. I don't think I've ever asked him to do anything unreasonable. These days (and it's getting more and more rare) if I feel triggered I can ask him for help to get me through it or let me talk so I can get past it.

On getting him to counseling...I hate to say but I think until he has something to lose he isn't likely to go. So it would be saying something like "this behavior is unacceptable so either we go to mc to work on it or we go our separate ways". It was the only thing that got me to go. I fought counseling for YEARS but then it came down to either divorce or mc and I chose mc. Within 6 months mc turned into ic for me. Sigh but it saved my life and for that I'm grateful.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Yeah--

in gentle language:

"counseling or I'm out. Preferably ic for you, but if you're unwilling, mc."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Good point. IC is a reasonable request but you would need to go *some* so you can tell your side. Didn't take my counselor more than 2 sessions to figure out what was going on with us. It was mostly me and my anger issues.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Good point. IC is a reasonable request but you would need to go *some* so you can tell your side. Didn't take my counselor more than 2 sessions to figure out what was going on with us. It was mostly me and my anger issues.


Our MC didn't see through it.

Then again, that was 8 months ago and I'm in a more solid place right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Then again, that was 8 months ago and I'm in a more solid place right now.


You said it but I was thinking it. 8 months ago you were part of the problem. Now you aren't.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> You said it but I was thinking it. 8 months ago you were part of the problem. Now you aren't.


Definitely, but in my defense, I'm certain the mc helped me grow, and I'm certain I put 100% into trying to understand his pov and grow closer to him.
The mc watched my H basically refuse my attempts to connect with him right there in session...talked to him about his childhood, etc...

Moot point. If he agreed to go, I'd ask him to come to the T I'm seeing now.
He probably wouldn't trust that, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## putwhittynamehere (Dec 7, 2010)

Cremd'.. I can tell you one thing.....after reading your posts for pretty much a half of a year, you will either be a wonderful wife to the man you are married to, or you will be a wonderful woman to the next man that you get to know. You have so much in perspective that I'm jealous.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

putwhittynamehere said:


> Cremd'.. I can tell you one thing.....after reading your posts for pretty much a half of a year, you will either be a wonderful wife to the man you are married to, or you will be a wonderful woman to the next man that you get to know. You have so much in perspective that I'm jealous.


That's a really nice thing to say, and it gives me a boost. Thank you!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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