# When did you start dating after D



## LonelyHiker

Just curious, how long did you wait before dating after getting your divorce? How long were you married and did that play a role in how long you waited. How did you know you were ready?
Just curious


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## Marc878

Google and read about rebounds.


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## Prodigal

When I left the first drunk I married, I didn't even consider dating for the first year. In fact, it was probably about 18 months before I dipped my toe back into the dating pool. 

The longevity of my marriage had nothing whatsoever to do with determining when I was ready to date again. I wanted to spend time enjoying my own company before I foisted it onto anyone else. And, to be perfectly honest, I was still a mess. I just didn't realize it. Lo and behold, I married another alcoholic. 

After that, I took myself out of circulation permanently. I don't need the stress. And I certainly don't feel like compromising with another man. Call me selfish, but I enjoy the hell outta my life as it is today. No drama. Peaceful. And I don't have to share. I like it that way.


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## Lila

LonelyHiker said:


> Just curious, how long did you wait before dating after getting your divorce? How long were you married and did that play a role in how long you waited. How did you know you were ready?
> Just curious


I tried dating about a month after my divorce finalized. That was s disaster for many reasons, the most important one was that I was not ready. I hadn't done the work to heal from the trauma of going through a divorce after being married almost 20 years. I am so glad I immediately had a horrible dating experience to make me pull back. I have no doubt i would have ended up in a rebound marriage with the wrong person. 

It's been 2 years since my divorce. I'm a different person now - calm, content, and happy with her life. I date sporadically (casually) but I do have a full social life. If I happen to meet the right guy, then great. If not, no worries. My plans now do not include a +1 so no harm no foul.


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## Hiner112

My ex moved out September 2018 and the divorce was final March 2020. I subscribed to a dating site after my birthday in October last year. I'm going to "like" someone "soon". Maybe.

For context, our first date was December 17, 1997 so the relationship was almost 21 years long when she left and my ex spent a lot of time "disengaging" from the relationship so I have to think a while back to remember why I would want to be in a relationship and I was weaned from any reliance on my SO/relationship. Solitude is so much more relaxing than tenseness and insecurity.


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## AVR1962

5 months and I fell totally in love with this man because he gave me attention that I had not had in so long and I loved it, I fed into it. It did not last as I figured he was seeing another woman which is typical, unfortunately!


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## LonelyHiker

Thanks for sharing.. I have been with my SO for 22 years. I have no idea what moving on would even look like.. It sucks because she's been talking to the OM for months (before she even asked for the divorce) so I have a lot of anger and bitterness over that. I know it's petty but I hope her relationship with him falls apart and blows up in her face.. Sounds childish but I have to channel my anger somewhere 😞

Next question, what was your first sexual experience like after a long marriage.. In a marriage you get so comfortable and get to know each other.. The thought of being with someone new scares me..


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## Affaircare

I filed for divorce in 2001 and it was finalized in 2002. I didn't date until 2004...and then I tried Online Dating, and I HATED IT!! I'm just not that kind of person. So I didn't date again for a while and instead just did stuff that I enjoy doing. On the occasion someone would catch my interest and I'd ask them out, but that tended to result in actual friends, not love-interests. I'm kind of picky. In 2005 I met Dear Hubby on a forum, and we just clicked. We chatted, then emailed, then called, then met in person. We married in 2006, and he passed away in 2017. 

After he passed, I figured I was ruined for all other men. I mean, we had great marriage and I adored the man, so I had no interest in looking for someone. Also I was like 55yo, so who starts over at 55yo, right? LOL Anyway, again, I met someone on a forum, and we just clicked. His name is @Emerging Buddhist and we married in 2019. 

After a major life event, like a divorce or a death, I think it's smart to wait a little while and make sure your own head is straight and you are back on your own feet. Then you can be a healthy partner and choose a healthy partner. I also think dating someone for a while before you marry them is wise. So there ya go. I got married to #1 when I was 28yo and divorced in my late-thirties. Married #2 in my early-forties. Married #3 at 57yo!


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## southbound

Prodigal said:


> I don't need the stress. And I certainly don't feel like compromising with another man. Call me selfish, but I enjoy the hell outta my life as it is today. No drama. Peaceful. And I don't have to share. I like it that way.


I can really relate to what you wrote.

I was married 18 years. My wife had the “I’m not happy anymore” thing. I didn’t date for 6 years. It wasn’t because I couldn’t get over it, but because I discovered that I enjoyed doing my own thing.

I went out a couple of times and it just wasn’t too alluring. I thoroughly enjoy my single life and will probably never get married again.


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## Diana7

I was with my first husband for 23 years, and didnt even think of dating again for 4 years. For the next 2 years I very occasionally dated, and then met my now husband. I do think that most people jump far too soon into dating again, especially men.


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## Diana7

LonelyHiker said:


> Thanks for sharing.. I have been with my SO for 22 years. I have no idea what moving on would even look like.. It sucks because she's been talking to the OM for months (before she even asked for the divorce) so I have a lot of anger and bitterness over that. I know it's petty but I hope her relationship with him falls apart and blows up in her face.. Sounds childish but I have to channel my anger somewhere 😞
> 
> Next question, what was your first sexual experience like after a long marriage.. In a marriage you get so comfortable and get to know each other.. The thought of being with someone new scares me..


I met my now husband after 6 years of my first marriage ending. We didnt have sex till we married and it was fine. We knew each other well by then so we were both very relaxed about it and had discussed sex quite a lot. I couldnt have sex with someone who I didnt know well and who I didnt love.
If you do meet another lady and fall in love, you will be fine. I am guessing that like me you wouldnt have sex before you married her so you would be so relaxed together by then that the sex would also be fine.
With respect of your situation I would leave it at least 2 or 3 years after your divorce. Not sure if you have heard of Jim Smoke who started the divorce recovery workshops? He has counselled many thousands of divorcing and divorced people and he recommends 2-3 years after a divorce before dating again. He says he has seen so many who jump very quickly into another reltionships/marriage and few do well. I think the same amount of time applies to those who are widowed as well.


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## Diana7

Prodigal said:


> When I left the first drunk I married, I didn't even consider dating for the first year. In fact, it was probably about 18 months before I dipped my toe back into the dating pool.
> 
> The longevity of my marriage had nothing whatsoever to do with determining when I was ready to date again. I wanted to spend time enjoying my own company before I foisted it onto anyone else. And, to be perfectly honest, I was still a mess. I just didn't realize it. Lo and behold, I married another alcoholic.
> 
> After that, I took myself out of circulation permanently. I don't need the stress. And I certainly don't feel like compromising with another man. Call me selfish, but I enjoy the hell outta my life as it is today. No drama. Peaceful. And I don't have to share. I like it that way.


I can understand that after 2 bad experiences. When my first marriage ended after 23 years I was still only in my early 40's so knew that one day I would like to marry again, but now that I am in my 60's if anything happened to my husband I wouldn't date again or marry again.


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## joannacroc

I don't recall exactly, but I do remember that it was probably too soon and the fact that it was too soon was unfair on the guys I met. Some were probably ok with casual, but I think very recently divorced people set off alarm bells in potential mates and that that is a sign of someone with good judgment. 

If you are able to separate sex and emotions, you might be ok dating somewhat soon after divorce as long as you are clear with the people you meet that you're not ready for a relationship. I am a bit of a monogamist and so it was difficult to do that for me. If you haven't dealt with the reasons for your divorce, and healed from the trauma of it, you're probably not ready to be dating yet. People on here told me that you need to wait for a while, but I didn't listen and wanted to get out and socialize. I don't regret it because I was happy for the company, but they were right. It was too soon.


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## Hiner112

I'm 100% sure that the next person I sleep with is going to be significant for me since it will double the number I've been with. Kissing or touching someone after so many years is almost certainly going to feel weird and quite possibly wrong, especially since there has never been anyone other than my ex.


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## Rowan

I was married for nearly 15 years when I got divorced, but had been in that relationship for 21 years. I started dating again around 2 years after my divorce. I was self-aware enough to realize that I wasn't ready any sooner than that. And, even when I started dating, it wasn't with the idea of finding another husband, but really just to enjoy myself, meet interesting men, and see what happened from there. I like sex a lot, but prefer to have it in the context of an exclusive and caring relationship. So, I was looking for the right person to have a relationship with but could sort of take it or leave it on living together or marriage. I really lucked out, though, and one of those interesting men turned into a really great relationship that eventually evolved into living together and now a really great marriage. 




LonelyHiker said:


> Next question, what was your first sexual experience like after a long marriage.. In a marriage you get so comfortable and get to know each other.. *The thought of being with someone new scares me..*



I find the bold to be....curious...I suppose. Given that you were serially unfaithful for 15+/- years of your marriage. Why would the thought of sex with someone new _now_ be scary?


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## LonelyHiker

Rowan said:


> I was married for nearly 15 years when I got divorced, but had been in that relationship for 21 years. I started dating again around 2 years after my divorce. I was self-aware enough to realize that I wasn't ready any sooner than that. And, even when I started dating, it wasn't with the idea of finding another husband, but really just to enjoy myself, meet interesting men, and see what happened from there. I like sex a lot, but prefer to have it in the context of an exclusive and caring relationship. So, I was looking for the right person to have a relationship with but could sort of take it or leave it on living together or marriage. I really lucked out, though, and one of those interesting men turned into a really great relationship that eventually evolved into living together and now a really great marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I find the bold to be....curious...I suppose. Given that you were serially unfaithful for 15+/- years of your marriage. Why would the thought of sex with someone new _now_ be scary?


To be blunt, that person is dead, crucified with Christ over 5 years ago.
And even that person had anxiety issues; it was never easy. Most 1st times were lousy in terms of performance. That was even the situation with my current SO. So much anxiety that things didn't function (performance anxiety?). Then after the 2nd time, all systems go, no issues ever since.

Really, over the 15 years, there was only 1 that was re-occurring and that was probably because it was "comfortable" in a way if that makes any sense. She started it with me when I was 18 and she was older (I was single at the time). There were only really 2 other "hook-ups" and everything else was just talks that didn't lead to anything (not that changes anything or makes it less bad - I was still a scumbag).


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## Married but Happy

I started dating a couple of weeks after separating - divorce took a LOT longer, unfortunately. I'd been married 24 years when I separated. Rather than being negative about that poor relationship, I was more than ready to move on and use what I'd learned to find a _good_ relationship. I did!


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## Openminded

For you, I would suggest a long break after divorce. I think your wife will come back, when she realizes her life isn’t working, and I think you’ll take her back when she does. If you’re already dating, that person might be in the middle of a situation she didn’t expect and end up hurt.


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## KrisAmiss

I was married 27 years so I think I was very patient in dating before the divorce was finalized. I had amazing sex full steam ahead for a year and a half, two? The guy was quite a dud overall but helped me in certain ways. I don't regret all of it. If you want to be more methodical, you should know when the time is right. Maybe have some midlife medication for times of performance anxiety. Ideally you would have formed a loving relationship and be fully comfortable, looking forward to such an encounter.


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## Not

I was married almost 26 years and began dating a year after my divorce was final Feb. 2018. I met my current BF of one year in March 2020 and couldn't be happier.

I had been ready to move on years before the divorce but waited a year for my kids. I had no way of knowing if I was ready for sure though. I had gotten over the pain/grief of my dead marriage years before so there was no work to be done as far as that goes but I had no idea what to expect.

One thing I did learn is we all have our baggage from the past and we need to be aware of it because so much of it can be so deeply ingrained that we're _not_ aware of it, it's just become a part of who we are. I personally tend to run when something painful happens. I developed a "screw this" mentality while I was married, ready to cut out people and situations that I felt caused stress or any type of turmoil. No if's, and's or but's, I was done, end of story. I've had to slow way the hell down and that's resulted in my seeing that even though it may hurt, the person causing it isn't necessarily out to hurt me and may in fact love the hell out of me.

As for sex, I'd guess we all have a tough time with that starting over with someone new. We're older so our bodies aren't as attractive as they used to be and our confidence may plummet when we imagine how it will go. I personally was really nervous the first time.


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## Max.HeadRoom

While not devoice but death, my wife of 11 years died in may 2002 we had been together for 19 years; I was 34. I was not planning on dating but someone from my past showed up in oct 2002 and I thought why not. That lasted for about 7 months was a wild train ride until I noticed that the bridge was out; crash and burn. I dated a few more but they went nowhere. I started dating my now wife in 2004 married in 2006.


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## RNSoSo

Diana7 said:


> I was with my first husband for 23 years, and didnt even think of dating again for 4 years. For the next 2 years I very occasionally dated, and then met my now husband. I do think that most people jump far too soon into dating again, especially men.


I was with my ex (recently separated) for 15 years, married for 5 of the 15 years and we have a 1 year old together. We are both 31. Found out he was a serial cheater. We have been separted for 2 months and he now has a new girlfriend whom he has moved in with that is a 3.5 hour drive away from our son (he actually met this woman online while we were still together, she was unaware that he was married with child). I specifically asked him don't you think it would be wise to spend time on your own and really work on yourself? His response was she makes me happy. Even though I hate this guy I can't say that him moving on so quickly didn't hurt but then I remember all the sleazy things he did and then I am thankfully that he is no longer my problem.


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## Rob_1

The next day we decided to divorce.


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## Chaotic

I was technically married for 9 years but we were separated for the whole last year of the marriage. When we separated I decided I wouldn't date until the divorce was final, no matter how long it took. The idea of dating before the divorce was finalized in court felt messy to me. It was 14 months between when we separated and when the divorce was finalized, and I started dating a few months later, so it was about 17 or 18 months total.



Rowan said:


> And, even when I started dating, it wasn't with the idea of finding another husband, but really just to enjoy myself, meet interesting men, and see what happened from there. I like sex a lot, but prefer to have it in the context of an exclusive and caring relationship. So, I was looking for the right person to have a relationship with but could sort of take it or leave it on living together or marriage.


Ditto, ditto, ditto all of the above for me. But a couple months into dating I met a great guy who I am still with now and it feels like we're building something good together, so that's worked out well!


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## Numb26

I guess it depends on your definition of dating. If you mean seeing someone exclusively that could lead to something more serious then no, I am not ready after close to 2 years. I have been casually dating different people for about the past year.


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## Arkansas

I didn't wait long - about 4 months 

My cheating ex-wife made sure she had someone, I had nobody. After 24 years its very very lonely. I didn't just go out and date randomly, I found a very very nice person, a great person. About a year after, I sold my house and moved in with her because she needed someone, I needed someone.

Today, it works for both of us. Tomorrow she might need more than I can give, or I might need more than she can, I don't know. 


I don't know that I'd have done it different. Over 50 and dating sucks. Being alone sucks.


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## 342693

Testing the dating pool and seriously dating are two different things of course. 

When I found out my ex was cheating in 2009 and kicked her out, I signed up for online dating about 3 months later. I wasn't mentally ready to date, but I wanted to see if I still had it. I think a lot of people in that situation do the same. I went out with a couple women several times (at different times of course), but my wall was so damn high from being burned, I wasn't going to let anyone get close to me. I did that on and off for about 2 years until I realized I had to work on myself...get past the past...to truly start dating. I took until about 2012-2013 until I was really ready to date.


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## Diana7

Numb26 said:


> I guess it depends on your definition of dating. If you mean seeing someone exclusively that could lead to something more serious then no, I am not ready after close to 2 years. I have been casually dating different people for about the past year.


I think dating means any type of dating.


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## Diana7

SCDad01 said:


> Testing the dating pool and seriously dating are two different things of course.
> 
> When I found out my ex was cheating in 2009 and kicked her out, I signed up for online dating about 3 months later. I wasn't mentally ready to date, but I wanted to see if I still had it. I think a lot of people in that situation do the same. I went out with a couple women several times (at different times of course), but my wall was so damn high from being burned, I wasn't going to let anyone get close to me. I did that on and off for about 2 years until I realized I had to work on myself...get past the past...to truly start dating. I took until about 2012-2013 until I was really ready to date.


I think that going on a dating site shows that you are open to dating. You were wise to wait though, not many recognise that we all need time to heal. Too many jump far too soon into dating again.


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