# I am such an ass



## crunchyb (Aug 26, 2013)

I have destroyed my marriage of 21 years. 
I had an affair 12 years ago with I woman I worked with. I ended it. I tried to protect my marriage, my wife and my own ass by lying about it. Kept the majority of it hidden at that time. I had to work a couple of times with that woman since, nothing happened. My wife and I were going through a very rough time two years ago, and she was threatening to leave me. I reached out to the other woman at that time with an email at Christmas. I got a response and that was that. Though I did reach out at maybe the worst possible time. My wife had what we thought was the flu, vomiting for days, high fever. Then she had a seizure. First time for that. I sent the email after the seizure. That was bad enough. A month later, my wife had another seizure. The doctors couldn't stop it, and put her in a coma for 2 1/2 days to calm her brain down. When she came out of the coma, the first words she said were" I forgive you and I am sorry". I was over the moon. Grateful she woke up, and grateful for the forgiveness. The day she was being released from the hospital, I lost my job, and all my focus turned to that. After a week I was offered another job with the same company, a lower job, a demotion. I took it. Became bitter, more so everyday. I became bored, and angry at my life. I opened up a facebook account with a fake name, and eventually added the other woman as a facebook friend. She didn't know it was me. After a couple of months of this, I realized I was out of control, and never went back to that woman's page. I didn't however delete the account or drop her as a friend. Fast forward to this spring. I got another job, and a few days in the other woman comes in for an interview. I didn't tell my wife, at first because her birthday was coming up, so I decided to wait until after her birthday so I didn't ruin it with this. After my wife's birthday passed, I told her about seeing this other woman when she came for an interview, but lied about when it happened, told my wife there was nothing going on (because there wasn't), and invited her to look in my email to keep an eye and make sure all was above board. Then she found the Christmas email, and the facebook page and other clues that caused my house of cards to fall. She found out a lot of my lies from 12 years ago. I owned up to them, and told her somethings she didn't know. I ending up working with the other woman, with email contact most days. Though that was above board, it tore my wife up. We have been battling ever since. She doesn't trust me, love me or want to be married to me anymore. I have made a real mess. I did everything wrong. I regret my actions and causing her such heartbreak. I wish I could take it all back. It's too late now for my wife. I have been a complete ass. I feel awful, and will carry these regrets for the rest of my days. I don't think there is much chance of fixing this, so I am learning how to untangle our lives in the fairest way possible. I at least owe her that. I don't care about anything material, but do care for her, her well being, and our dogs. At least there aren't any kids, lucky for their sake.

Not sure what I am expecting here, but wanted to share my tale. Thanks for taking the time to read this.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Your wife has no reason to trust you.... your a proven liar and cheat. 
In fact she'd be mad to trust you. 

When she did forgive you...your sh!t on her and your vows again. 

You have repeatedly done things to destroy your marriage... you get your wish by the looks of things.

My heart just breaks for your wife.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

I actually agree with your thread title....you definitely are an azz.

Ya, I'm not sure what you are looking for here...you are a liar who I wouldn't trust....just look what you admit to doing to your wife; your very best friend.

I guess you could spend the rest of your life trying to make it up to her. If you were truly remorseful, it would involve you doing all of the heavy lifting to try and make things right.

I think you would have to almost start over, like a new relationship with your wife. Maybe you could work on romancing, hoping she could see some good in you again one day...but it may all be for nothing. 

Honestly, while she was in a coma? Does it get much lower?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm assuming you don't believe you have any feelings for the OW?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

All you can do now is to work on yourself. Get into counseling and find out why you did this and how to never do it again. It's probably too late for this marriage. But if you fix yourself you might be able to a good relationship with someone else.


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## crunchyb (Aug 26, 2013)

I don't know if I could have gotten much lower. When she was in a coma, nothing happened, except me praying for her recovery.


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## crunchyb (Aug 26, 2013)

My heart breaks for my wife too. She didn't deserve this.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

No she didn't... 

Somethings just can't be fixed.

Elegirl is right though... before you start another relationship you need to figure out why you could be so selfish and so cruel to someone you profess to love.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

One small thing you can do at this point is NOT hook up with the OW once your divorce is final. You could show your BW that bit of respect at least.


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## crunchyb (Aug 26, 2013)

I fully agree. I am undertaking counselling, and lots of soul searching as to how I got here, and how to become a better person.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

You know what the problem with being too late is?

It's too late.

Give her exactly what she wants, and be kind.


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## crunchyb (Aug 26, 2013)

Thanks everybody for your input. I won't be hooking up with the ow, ever. I will also be fair and kind for whatever my wife needs.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

crunchyb said:


> .... so I am learning how to untangle our lives in the fairest way possible. I at least owe her that. I don't care about anything material, but do care for her, her well being, and our dogs.


Keep your word on this.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Ok, yes this was a terrible betrayal of your wife and she has every right not to trust you. I am not going to pigeonhole you into the category of worthless human being that some others might (all ... he didn't do this while she was in a coma) ... at least not yet. You actually do sound like you have some understanding of the betrayal and real regret, not for yourself but for what you've done to your wife. Your marriage might not be able to be saved but with a lot of work in understanding why you did this, you might have a chance at a healthy relationship in the future.

A few questions:

1) What in your mind led to the affair 12 years ago.
2) What made you decide to reach out to this woman again after your wife experienced her first seizure?
3) It sounds like you were weak of mind and self-destructed. Clearly re-establishing contact with this woman was self-destructive behavior and you probably knew it at the time. If you had never had an affair with her in the first place, would you have found somebody else to cheat with or was this just a convenient way to cope? Is the idea of being with other women something that crosses your mind often or was it with this particular woman?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I also wonder why he told her to look at the computer to check out that he was not cheating.... when he knew darn well that there were things that she could find.

Self-destructive comes to mind as well in this.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I also wonder why he told her to look at the computer to check out that he was not cheating.... when he knew darn well that there were things that she could find.
> 
> Self-destructive comes to mind as well in this.


Good point.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

If you really don't like who you are and the choices you made, take that pain, use the expression of suffering on your wifes face and use it to refine yourself.

Don't be the person you are now. Change.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

This is why I say WSs should always confess ASAP. There's another thread here where the cheating H asked if he should tell his W; the majority said yes, he should tell, with a few saying don't tell. I would be sooooo much more angry if I found out about an affair years later, after a bunch of lies were told. Tell me now, let me deal and decide what to do instead of lying to me for years.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

One bad fumble after another and now you got cut.

Sorry man. She was a saint to forgive you the first time but fool her twice.....you know how it goes.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'll chime in as well, seems like there is a reason for this behavior. I don't know if you need more attention in your life or why you feel the need to lie. I will say you are on the right path by acknowledging your problem. You also seem like you no longer want to lie. This is good progress, however you need to find therapy so you can over come your issues. It's never too late to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Interesting - my WS has called himself the same thing....

Like MambaZee said, always better to come clean ASAP. 

The truth will out.

It's important to be completely honest, and the sooner the better, because the longer you wait, the more likely you are to lie and deceive, and maybe even cheat, again. Get the painful truth out into the open. Be honest not just with your spouse, but with yourself. That's why people who do these things need to get into counseling right away to figure out what their issues REALLY are, because they are almost always lying not just to their spouses, but to themselves. The problem will come back again, in some form, unless the underlying issues are dealt with head on.

Saying to yourself "I learned my lesson - I won't do it again" doesn't cut it. You have to delve into the reasons you were vulnerable to this, as uncomfortable as it may be to do it.

In addition to counseling (professional help is a must), I recommend 2 books I learned about from this site. First, the book NOT Just Friends  by Shirley Glass. She goes deep into the many and varied reasons that people may be vulnerable to affairs. Another good one is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J MacDonald. A concise manual of do's and don'ts regarding what to say and do, she also touches on getting serious about "character" repair.

Apologize with sincerity and do it often, as it's good for her healing, even if it's too late for your marriage. (Example of an insincere apology: "I'm sorry if I hurt you" - there's no if about it.)


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You slowly killed her. Let her go with grace.


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## crunchyb (Aug 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> A few questions:
> 
> 1) What in your mind led to the affair 12 years ago.
> 2) What made you decide to reach out to this woman again after your wife experienced her first seizure?
> 3) It sounds like you were weak of mind and self-destructed. Clearly re-establishing contact with this woman was self-destructive behavior and you probably knew it at the time. If you had never had an affair with her in the first place, would you have found somebody else to cheat with or was this just a convenient way to cope? Is the idea of being with other women something that crosses your mind often or was it with this particular woman?


Ok to try and answer these questions.
1: I was a mess 12 years ago. I was selfish, filled with ego, sleep deprived, drinking alcohol all the time, taking a huge dose of prednisone, and under huge amounts of stress. I was unsatisfied in my marriage. My wife told me she hated me, and argued me for days to break up. Told me she never loved me, but married me because I was "safe". She told a guy she met online (from another continent) that she loved him. I felt betrayed and neglected by her. I went 1000 miles away for work, and the first night away, I lost 8 hours of my life due to an alcohol blackout. Things happened that night with the OW, though I only have brief flashes of stuff happening. After that it progressed with the OW and lasted for 6 weeks, while I was away.

2: I reached out to this other woman because I felt extremely low. My wife told me she was moving out and in with an old boyfriend. She wanted a divorce. (I now know this was probably due to her impending seizure causing a chemical imbalance in her brain). I needed connection. Not sex or anything else, just connection. I felt alone, and angry. I wanted to know there was someone out there that cared. I didn't get that though. See I have only been intimate with my wife and the OW, so I reached out for familiar, the only other woman I thought I could. I think sometimes there was a level of childish spite involved on my part.

3: I was weak minded and self destructive. It was about this woman. There have been no other thoughts or attempts with anyone else. This was a stupid attempt at coping with my life.


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## crunchyb (Aug 26, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> Interesting - my WS has called himself the same thing....
> 
> Like MambaZee said, always better to come clean ASAP.
> 
> ...


I have read How to help you spouse heal from an affair, as well as re-reading it now, and will check out Not just friends. You and the rest of you are so right, I should have come clean asap. It seems I did everything wrong. I am exploring the reasons I acted the way I did, to learn from my mistakes. I want to be a much better person. I have wasted too much of my life with these lies and the pain I caused.


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## crunchyb (Aug 26, 2013)

Acabado said:


> You slowly killed her. Let her go with grace.


I will do the right thing, and treat her with grace as we untangle our lives together.


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## crunchyb (Aug 26, 2013)

MambaZee said:


> Tell me now, let me deal and decide what to do instead of lying to me for years.


What I should have done, to be kind and give us a chance. A lesson learned.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your drinking seems to be a huge problem... then and now. Perhaps you need to join AA. 

Your relationship has been a mess for a long time apparently. It sounds to me like your wife has been as bad as you. So, with that new info about her bad behavior, things change a bit.

Take responsibility for your wrong actions. But you do neither of you a favor of not insisting that she take responsibility for her own bad behaviors as well.


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## crunchyb (Aug 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Your drinking seems to be a huge problem... then and now. Perhaps you need to join AA.
> 
> Your relationship has been a mess for a long time apparently. It sounds to me like your wife has been as bad as you. So, with that new info about her bad behavior, things change a bit.
> 
> Take responsibility for your wrong actions. But you do neither of you a favor of not insisting that she take responsibility for her own bad behaviors as well.


Alcohol has been a huge problem for me. I don't drink now. I have explored this fully, and don't believe I am an alcoholic, but I have been a binge drinker. I drank to get drunk. I finally learned that lesson of my immature drinking. 

Things have been a mess with us for a long time. Lots of baggage. I do take responsibility for my actions, she has taken some responsibility for her actions, but mostly defers to my actions, and their affect on her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

crunchyb said:


> Alcohol has been a huge problem for me. I don't drink now. I have explored this fully, and don't believe I am an alcoholic, but I have been a binge drinker. I drank to get drunk. I finally learned that lesson of my immature drinking.
> 
> Things have been a mess with us for a long time. Lots of baggage. I do take responsibility for my actions, *she has taken some responsibility for her actions, but mostly defers to my actions, and their affect on her*.


This is exactly what I got out of your posts. And you are going along with it.

Could it be that she was going to leave you and run off with some other guy, until she realized that she was ill and then you became the fallback guy? I could be off base and have the time line wrong, but that's what this sounds like.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

crunchyb said:


> Ok to try and answer these questions.
> 1: I was a mess 12 years ago. I was selfish, filled with ego, sleep deprived, drinking alcohol all the time, taking a huge dose of prednisone, and under huge amounts of stress. I was unsatisfied in my marriage. My wife told me she hated me, and argued me for days to break up. Told me she never loved me, but married me because I was "safe". She told a guy she met online (from another continent) that she loved him. I felt betrayed and neglected by her. I went 1000 miles away for work, and the first night away, I lost 8 hours of my life due to an alcohol blackout. Things happened that night with the OW, though I only have brief flashes of stuff happening. After that it progressed with the OW and lasted for 6 weeks, while I was away.
> 
> 2: I reached out to this other woman because I felt extremely low. My wife told me she was moving out and in with an old boyfriend. She wanted a divorce. (I now know this was probably due to her impending seizure causing a chemical imbalance in her brain). I needed connection. Not sex or anything else, just connection. I felt alone, and angry. I wanted to know there was someone out there that cared. I didn't get that though. See I have only been intimate with my wife and the OW, so I reached out for familiar, the only other woman I thought I could. I think sometimes there was a level of childish spite involved on my part.
> ...


Ok, you admittedly have poor coping skills and tend to cope in self-destructive ways. From what you've added, it reinforces my belief that you probably can't save your marriage BUT I do think you have a starting point to lead a significantly better life, get healthy and eventually get to a place where you can maintain a healthy relationship.

It is the coping skills that need fixing ... whether it is seeking attention from another woman outside of marriage, binge drinking or drugs (pills), these are all self-destructive means of coping and no matter how bad you feel about your infidelity, you will continue to turn to them until you figure this out. Hard to imagine but if you can't fix that problem then your life will get worse and the outcome of your infidelity will be just one of a long list of problems.

I think you would be doing yourself a huge favor to get counseling. TAM can be very helpful but I think in this case I would talk to a professional. I don't know what your financial situation is or if you can get some reimbursement through work but if the expense is a concern then consider the long-term impact and expense if you don't.

Best of luck to you.

EDIT: btw, I like how you came on here with your original post and chose not to attempt to justify your actions. Given what you have now told us about your wife and your relationship, it would have been easy to do. She is no angel ... in fact, she sounds like a cheater. However, there is no justification and you seem to recognize that. That says a lot.


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