# Maybe I'm overreacting but I feel used



## DT1977 (Jul 3, 2014)

I'll try not to make this too long. Maybe I just need to vent. 

My wife and I have been together about 2 1/2 years. The last couple of months have been hard. I had a medical issue a few months ago and was in a lot of pain. Right after that we had an issue with one of our animals that caused a great deal of stress. We also have a very vocal cat who has taken to waking me up at all hours of the night. She sleeps right through but I wake up every time. I haven't been sleeping well for months. While I was hurt and the animal was hurt she didn't step up and do more to help around the house. I still felt like I had to pull the same amount of weight I had before even when I could barely walk.

She has a busy and stressful job that she took last year. She also does a lot with friends and coworkers at night and also rides a horse after work at least twice a week. Many nights I don't see her until almost 8pm. We rarely do anything together during the week. I have a time intensive hobby of my own that I rarely get to do because I feel like I'm always trying to run the house and keep my head above water. What's odd to me is that in her job she has to be a team player and ask what she can to do to help others all the time and be very detail oriented. When it comes to home life the same lessons don't apply for some reason.

She expects me to take care of the pets, cook a few times a week, and take care of the house. When she comes home she sits on the couch and stares at the computer for hours. If I cook dinner she doesn't help with the dishes. I've also been making a lunch dish for her to take to work. She has never learned how to make it or helped with it. She doesn't help cook or participate. If something needs dealt with around the house it's up to me. She doesn't call anyone or help do it. I set up the appointments and have to be home for them. I do the laundry because she says she doesn't like to do it because of how I do it. 

I've tried to discuss things with her but I don't deal well with it. I let it go too long until I get stressed and get emotional. I don't yell or get angry. I just get overwhelmed and don't articulate my position well. She generally gets defensive and says I'm making excuses and if I don't want to do something then don't do it (instead of asking what she can to help or suggest ways to make it easier). I feel like she isn't taking my feelings into account or paying attention to how her actions impact me.

My coping mechanisms are a bit broken from childhood. My dad left when I was young and I never felt like my feelings were important. I always had to fend for myself and not rock the boat. I don't like to stand up for myself and I'm not good at it. I know that's part of the issue here. I've let things get too far in the wrong direction. 

I'm considering going to therapy on my own to figure out how to cope. I do love her and feel like she is very good for me in many ways but day to day life is wearing me down. I mentioned marriage counseling once and she didn't think we needed to go.

I'm not sure there's any advice or help to give here. I want to not feel exhausted anymore.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Of course she didn't think you all need marriage counseling. She has a perfectly good house boy. Why would she want to mess that up?

Get individual counseling. Fix yourself. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and "Married man's Sex Life Primer". How is the old sex life, anyway?

Look at hiring someone to get chores done around the house, or downsizing. Get rid of some pets. 

No kids? How old are you two? How comparable is your income to hers?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DT1977 (Jul 3, 2014)

We have roughly the same income and make good money so financial health is not an issue. Sex life is fairly vanilla and about twice a week on average. She's not much into experimentation or variety. Our sex life was much better the first year than it has been lately.

Getting rid of pets is an option for me but I know she will utterly refuse if I suggest it. In fact she wants to get another cat. We already have trouble traveling because of the ones we have and travel is important to me.

No kids, mid-30s. Not really planning on kids. Neither of us ever really wanted them. I should also mention that over the past 6 months she's been floating the idea of moving out of state because she doesn't like it here and thinks it's too crowded. That led to a huge fight back in April as well.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Maybe you need therapy but consider the following.

You know what she is doing is wrong for a married woman and this is not your idea of marriage.

You know that doing more to compensate for her lack of particpation in the marriage is wrong and not working.

You know you are confict avoidant due to your childhood.

What exactly will therapy help you to do? Will it help you gain the COURAGE to do the things you already know you need to do, and already know WHY you are not doing them?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop doing the house stuff. Just stop. Do YOUR stuff but that's it. I mean, don't be a slob.

If she wants the cat, she'll take care of it. I take it you're not attached to the cat? Lol. I'm a sucker for animals so this wouldn't bother me, of course, as you say, I was traveling.

Just start saying no. Not in a rebellious sort of way, but just "no."


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I wasn't asking about your income to check on your financial health, but to see if there's a reason why she might not respect you. Because she doesn't seem to care much about your needs. 

Hicks is right... Your counselor is likely to tell you what you already know. They can hopefully help get you last your barriers of not standing up for yourself. 

What about you? Why do YOU think she treats you like this? What would her side of the story be?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

What did she do before you were together? I'm guessing she must've cleaned up after herself before you came along. Split chores, don't encroach on her responsibilities. Lock the cat up in the laundry at night or something, with a comfy blanket, don't let it roam around.

The fact is though, you know all of these solutions are possible, but it takes some distance from your problems to realise they aren't as insurmountable as they seem.

Many of us have to deal with partners who don't pull their weight in regards to housework. It's a common problem. One thing you have to realise is that she won't change her habits because she doesn't have to. You keep enabling her lack of participation. You may have childhood reasons for this, but that won't change anything.

If you want her to be more involved with the pets, just tell her, "I don't want to deal with them all the time, you get half the responsibility from now on, you feed them in the morning". I did this with my DH. I told him it was his job to feed the cat, and I would never touch her food from that point on, unless he was away. She soon learnt who was the feeder and she will nag him non stop to feed her. No way for him to forget! That's one job off my list.

You don't have to do everything all at once. Start with one thing, get that sorted and the stress will reduce just a bit to help you gather yourself for your next challenge. Focus on one thing at a time that you really want to change in order to make your life just a little better. Achieve that goal.

As for wanting her to feel more compassion for you, you set yourself up with someone who specifically will not do this. Part of our reason for choosing our partner in life is that they repeat the same hurts upon us that we received in childhood, hoping that instead of continuing the hurt, they will learn how to heal it. You haven't yet reached this stage with your partner. Right now she will be inflicting the same childhood hurts on you and you will have to learn strategies for changing your own reactions. They didn't work for you in childhood, they will still not work now that you are an adult.

"Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix is a good book to help you understand what's happening.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

If she "refuses" to get rid of the pets, you can say "ok, well I refuse to do all the work of taking care of them anymore, so make your choice."


----------



## DT1977 (Jul 3, 2014)

I actually do like the cat... when he isn't walking on my head or screaming in my face at 3am. Normal hours of the day he's a very sweet and loving animal.

I'm reading through all of this and starting to think about things I can do to change the situation. Like you've all said, it might be one small thing at a time. A cleaning service at least once a month or so might help at least get the house deep cleaned so it's not quite as big of a task the rest of the time. 

I understand therapy may tell me what I already know and I've been to a therapist before. I think it might be good for me to have another outlet for these feelings and help me get past the blocks in my head that are preventing me for doing the necessary things. It may not need to be a long term thing. 

Her side of the story would be this: she likes it that I will take care of things so she can spend time with her horse. She feels her job is stressful and that she needs time to decompress at home instead of doing things at the house. She says I cook better so she has no desire to learn. She doesn't like people and crowds so if I go to the grocery store she doesn't have to do it. She says on one hand that all I have to do is say no but when I do I get a long winded argument about how I'm being unreasonable. She doesn't like to take the dogs places on leash so she'd rather I do it. I think she enjoys the freedom to do what she wants. As someone else said, I'm sure it's great feeling like you have someone to do all the stuff you don't like to do.

Before we were together she lived in the basement of a rental house. It was very small and neither her or her roommate did a very good job cleaning it or taking care of it.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what exactly is her contribution to running the household?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Start saying no.

She's acting like an entitled princess.

There's a ton in life we do because we have to. So what if she doesn't like crowds...she goes to work all day, no? She can go the market.


----------



## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

You're mid-30's, together 2.5 years, so before that, she was early 30's, nd lived in a basement apartment with a roommate, and she doesn't know how to cook, and the place wasn't well taken care of? That sounds...."off".....to me. Sounds like you were just the caretaker she was looking for...


----------



## DT1977 (Jul 3, 2014)

changedbeliefs said:


> You're mid-30's, together 2.5 years, so before that, she was early 30's, nd lived in a basement apartment with a roommate, and she doesn't know how to cook, and the place wasn't well taken care of? That sounds...."off".....to me. Sounds like you were just the caretaker she was looking for...


She owned a house with another guy in her early 20's. We actually still have that house and it's being rented. She was with him for 7 years. Then another 2 year relationship before me where she moved in with the guy into a place he owned. Then the rental house. She actually brought very little physical stuff into the relationship. Most of our stuff was what I had.

The caretaker comment has been made by friends of mine that know this situation.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Was she ever able to live on her own?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DT1977 (Jul 3, 2014)

PBear said:


> Was she ever able to live on her own?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To be fair, I know of only one brief point in her adult life where she didn't live with someone else whether it be roommates or boyfriends. My timeframe may be off but I think that couldn't have been more than a couple of months at most.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well your situation at hand sounds like she got a housekeeper that she doesn't have to pay.

Honestly, just stop.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DT1977 said:


> To be fair, I know of only one brief point in her adult life where she didn't live with someone else whether it be roommates or boyfriends. My timeframe may be off but I think that couldn't have been more than a couple of months at most.


So again I'll ask... What does she contribute to the running of the household. Not the relationship, but making the household work. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Agree with everyone on here.

Housekeeper is a good idea since you can afford it and it avoid anyone having to do stuff. Hire a lawn service, too. Is her job a lot more stressful than yours? 

Stop making her lunch. When she goes to get it tell her she'll just have to make it herself - you don't have time because you already do everything else so the least she can do is feed herself at lunch.

Fix dinner for yourself. One portion. When she comes in after 8 from the horse, wondering about dinner, tell her you went ahead without her. Offer no solutions. 

Wash your stuff only. Take care of the pets because it's not their fault. Don't buy her toiletries, don't run her errands. If she complains simply tell her that you both have a full time job and you both have the same number of hours in the day to accomplish stuff. You had time to make your dinner and wash your clothes; she should, too.

Sounds like neither of you have any couple time, either. Do you enjoy the horses? Perhaps you should BOTH go riding every night. Maybe take the dogs, too. 

If she complains about stuff not being done, reiterate you work the same number of hours and have the same needs - food, recreation, etc. You have decided to manage your time and get everything done you need to; she has to decide how to manage HER time and everything done SHE needs to. Tell her you miss your hobby and haven't made time for it because you've been doing all of the laundry, all of the housekeeping, all of the pet care, all of the errands, etc. and you have decided YOUR hobby is just as important as hers therefore the only way to accommodate that hobby is to not do all of everything else, but rather just your half.

I do think counseling will help you find your voice. Ask her to go to marriage counseling and see if she'll go. Perhaps you two can negotiate something that will work going forward. What if one night you two did a cooking class for two? I know we have those in my area - it's a date night for couples including wine and you learn to prepare a certain dish. You could tell her if she is willing to do that with you then you are willing to go riding with her one night - that way you get two more evenings of quality time together. She's stressed? How about you two meet for yoga one night a week?

It's a bit passive-aggressive but I don't see any way to make it fair and make your point. You don't have to raise your voice and if she pouts, shouts or becomes petulant, tell her you married her for a life partner and lover; not to be a parent for her. How can she argue with logic? A parent feeds their child, makes their lunches, washes their clothes, etc. She needs to grow up. Time to put on big-girl panties and pull her weight or figure out how to solve this like an adult. Being an adult means sometimes you have to spend less time playing.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

DT, what you describe sounds a lot like my household used to be like. I was overworked, and my husband let me take on more and more without taking on any of the extra work it involved. Guess whose fault it was: mine.

You need to have time to do some things you like to do too. Not doing more than you absolutely have to do will free up some time for you to do your hobbies again.

Maybe your wife doesn't care as much about the household maintenance as you do. Maybe she is just being lazy and she is taking advantage of you, since obviously you will do it yourself instead of leaving it undone.

Regardless of which it is, you need to stop being her servant, since it is not working out for you anymore.

Make a list of all the things you do. From that list, decide what is really important to you, and what you have time and energy for, and do that. If there is something that doesn't bother you too much to see undone, then don't do it. For example, let the laundry pile up, or perhaps only do your own. If your wife can't even muster up the energy to get her laundry to the laundry room, leave it in the basket, but don't move it for her! If she decides to get it to the laundry room, you don't have to wash it unless you are feeling generous.

Another one would be meals. Cook a nice meal when you feel like it, not every day. Otherwise, let everyone fend for themselves. Cooking takes a lot of time. When you cook, make a lot, so you have leftovers you can eat later.

After you eat, wash up your own dishes. If she complains about the pile of dishes, you can say, "Oh, that's curious, because I have washed up all my dishes all day long as I got them dirty." Let her connect the dots about her own laziness.

Shopping: stop buying her favorite things. Since you are the only one shopping, stock up on lots of things that *you* like that can be thrown together for a quick and nutritious meal. Don't make a big deal about it. If your wife asks "Where is dinner?" you respond nicely, "I didn't feel like cooking, but there is plenty of food in the refrigerator to make something, if you are hungry.

You may have to take a stand regarding the pets. Whose name is the dog in? The cat? (Meaning the vet papers.) If either of them are in your name, you might consider fiinding them a loving home with someone else.

Once you stop doing everything your wife might or might not notice that certain things are left undone. If she doesn't notice, you'll know that she wasn't taking advantage of you, she just didn't care about those things. If she doesn't pick up the slack, for whatever reason, you can discuss with her hiring out someone to do the things you are no longer able to do.

Your main goal needs to be to learn proper boundaries, be true to yourself, and stop being her free servant.

Married people are supposed to share the load, and they figure out how to do that together. If you are both working outside the home, then you both need to also split the work inside the home. It is just fair and equitable.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

To add to the above post: I'm not suggesting you start playing passive aggressive games.

What I'm saying is that you need to only do 1/2 of the work, or how much you think you can handle. You begin by deciding what chores really matter to you, and you forget about the rest.

If either of you is bothered by the work that is not getting done, then one or both of you decide how to get it done in a way that isn't putting more work on you.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You don't state objections to her because you don't like long winded arguments, it's sort of understandable, but really a little pathetic. Tell her you don't feel like arguing about it, she just has to pull her finger out and get on with it, you have too much to do, and then you go and do something else.

"You can walk the dogs this week. It's a leash, get used to it."

"You can do the grocery shopping this week, they are people, they live on the planet too, get used to it."

Being her knight in shining armour and doing everything for her so she can avoid responsibility at home will just make you a useful but unattractive drudge. You're just the guy who cleans her floors, looks after her animals, feeds her and then whines at her about her not doing her fair share. What a desire killer.

It won't end up just being about you feeling stressed and overworked, you'll end up getting the ILYBINILWY speech when some guy comes along who challenges her. Think of her as a spirited filly and you're the horse trainer. Don't let her trample you into the ground, stand the hell up and get your whip out (metaphorically speaking, hehe).


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

What I keyed on was her spending a lot of leisure time with people other than you. Friends, coworkers...
Ever ask her to spend more time with you and less with them?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> What I keyed on was her spending a lot of leisure time with people other than you. Friends, coworkers...
> Ever ask her to spend more time with you and less with them?


One doesn't spend time with the help...

C


----------

