# Wanted a Family Early On?



## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Jeff Foxworthy had a famous monologue:



> "You wake up one morning, you're staring at a mortgage, two kids, and a mini van going "How'd the hell this happen? I was just trying to get laid!"


Men, how many of you actually had a realization, before age 30-35, that you wanted a classic family? We all know some women whose friends' posting of pictures of houses and kids causes almost-physical pain if they don't have the same; has that ever happened to you? If so, what factors contributed to this worldview?


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Nope. Never desired a family or kids.

Never regretted not having kids.

If I want quality time with a child, I am the cool Uncle on the Harley that does stuff followed by "and don't tell your Mom and Dad I let you do that".:FIREdevil:

When I die, I'll leave nothing but footprints, and I'm fine with that.

Yea, I know what my screen name is, it's not about kids.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Never really wanted a family, my wife was trying to push for commitment for ages in the past, but I kept holding her off until the baby bells rang. Ever since then, my life has been a constant "WTF?" moment.

But I don't regret anything, and there is joy in family life. Still, the WTF moments get to me from time to time when I look back and wonder how I managed from being a simple laid back bloke with no career to becoming a family man with a business of my own.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm not a guy, but I will say that my husband, back when we were dating, brought up the talk about family/having children before I ever did. He's wanted to be a dad for a while and knew this since his mid-twenties. I think a lot of his view point is from his upbringing and traditional views. His culture is very family oriented. We weren't really planning to have our family for at least another year, but that plan didn't work out so well. We're both excited/nervous about it.


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## LearninAsWeGo (Oct 20, 2012)

Always knew I would have a family, but gotta get your education done and get some youthful fun outta your system first.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Oh crap I voted and I'm a girl lol sorry.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

kipani said:


> Oh crap I voted and I'm a girl lol sorry.


Oops....me too








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

I want kids while I'm still young and mobile, and before my brain hardens into senility.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband was the one who wanted the classic family. To me all that domesticity scared the crap out of me. But in the end he won. We have a house in the burbs, a minivan and 3 kids. LOL

I did stall and so we started late - first baby wasn't born until I was 34 but it all worked out.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

moco82 said:


> Jeff Foxworthy had a famous monologue:
> 
> 
> 
> Men, how many of you actually had a realization, before age 30-35, that you wanted a classic family? We all know some women whose friends' posting of pictures of houses and kids causes almost-physical pain if they don't have the same; has that ever happened to you? If so, what factors contributed to this worldview?


A few years ago I found an art project from the second grade. The teacher asked us to answer the following question, and accompany it with a drawing:

"What would you do with a million dollars"?

8 year old J's response? 

"Get married and take my wife on a beautiful honeymoon".

So yeah, I wanted to get married pretty much my entire life. I was a romantic at heart, even as a kid. I remember wanting a great love, the "soulmate" kind. I actually use to pray about it, even back in middle school. I just thought the idea of this singular, powerful romance was so enticing. While other guys wanted to get as much ***** as possible, my dreams were always that ONE girl. 

I am happy to say that I got everything I wanted in this respect, and then some.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I used to be a soulmate kind, then I...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & mine talked about having a family early on -years before we married, he was totally on board.. he knew I felt cheated with my family.. I didn't like being an only child, I envied those who had Large families, I wanted that close knit chaos for my life / for our life. If he was a man who wasn't into that, I would have let him go & searched for another....it was THAT monumental to me. Some things are just written on your







. 

I knew he would make a wonderful loving Father... we were always on the same page in this. He also knew a little girl was my greatest desire ...beings I missed that Mother /daughter thing growing up -- so I'd want to keep going till I had one. 

We were never the partying type, we were home bodies, so this was perfect for our lifestyle...we wanted the country so they could roam in the woods , he built them 2 story play houses, we always took family vacations, we tried to give them the world. 

We agreed on at least 3 kids before we ever walked down the aisle, but ended up with 6 - all in trying to get that little sweetheart...then we thought we'll try to give her a sister. Oh well. No regrets ~ love them all - even though our littlest one got detention for the 2nd time this year (he is only in kidnergarten)!


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Hm...well, I think it depends on the thing. 

Like, do I want a family? Now? HELL NO! (Guess how old I am...)

But here is what gets to me:
I still have to live at home and see my parents fight, and go to community college with people that don't really want to be there. 

While I see my friends all having fun at college. Joining frats, doing frat stuff (don't know what that is), having room mates, getting an actual college experience. That does kinda hurt. I always hear about the great college experience, and realize that I probably won't get to experience it. 
And it is something that I do want. 

Will it be the same when my friends all start getting married (if they do) I don't know. 
I haven't heard the greatest...things about marriage, so probably not. But I always hear great things about the college experience. 
But guess I'll find out.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Never wanted marriage or kids till I met stbxh. That changed my whole world; when you love someone, its easy to want to spend your life with that person. Having to recover now from the collapse of it just sucks. I feel the desire for a home and kids I never thought I wanted and it haunts me and taunts me at once.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

We're likely going to adopt in our early thirties. At least that's the plan for now.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Always wanted it. Now it is a matter of will it ever happen.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I always figured I would, it's kind of expected. When we got married and bought our first house we bought with the expectation of kids. (In hindsight that house would have been a disaster.) But first we want time to ourselves, no rush, she was only 30. Every few years we would discuss it, the answer no, not now, things are great as is. About 6 years in we had a final talk, it was now or never, only 1 yes/now vote needed. 14 years after that talk we both don't regret not having kids.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

CharlieParker said:


> I always figured I would, it's kind of expected. When we got married and bought our first house we bought with the expectation of kids. (In hindsight that house would have been a disaster.) But first we want time to ourselves, no rush, she was only 30. Every few years we would discuss it, the answer no, not now, things are great as is. About 6 years in we had a final talk, it was now or never, only 1 yes/now vote needed. 14 years after that talk we both don't regret not having kids.


I am in my early 30's and feel I am getting too old to have kids. I also feel that if I never have kids, my life will never be complete and will never be truly happy. Everyone is different though.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I am in my early 30's and feel I am getting too old to have kids. I also feel that if I never have kids, my life will never be complete and will never be truly happy. Everyone is different though.


Yeah, I guess it depends on your background. My mother had me and my two younger siblings between the ages of 33-38. Well over half my aunts, on both sides, had children into their 30's and 40's. My wife's mother had her at 30, and her second child at 38. My wife and I are in our early 30's, and we're not working on kids, and don't feel any kind of pressure because of our age. Having kids in this decade is just our normal.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> Yeah, I guess it depends on your background. My mother had me and my two younger siblings between the ages of 33-38. Well over half my aunts, on both sides, had children into their 30's and 40's. My wife's mother had her at 30, and her second child at 38. My wife and I are in our early 30's, and we're not working on kids, and don't feel any kind of pressure because of our age. Having kids in this decade is just our normal.


I just remember having parents and grandparents that were younger and did fun things and were still very active in life. I want my children to be able to experience that. If I were to have children now, their grandparents would be a lot older than mine were.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Neither hubby nor I ever wanted children. Or to get married, for that matter... But life has a way of making things happen. 

(I voted on his behalf, btw). 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I just remember having parents and grandparents that were younger and did fun things and were still very active in life. I want my children to be able to experience that. If I were to have children now, their grandparents would be a lot older than mine were.


That comes down less to age, and more to how well you take care of yourself. My grandmother is 86 years old, looks great, and is still active. She still babysits, now for her young great-grandchildren. She is the last remaining of a set of 10, most of whom passed away in their 80's and 90's. That's common for my family if you take care of yourself.

Meanwhile my parents both died in their 60's, but they took pretty bad care of their bodies.

We live in a culture where obesity, and it's many health related ills, are rampant. There are plenty of sedentary, out of shape young parents. Meanwhile if you make health a priority, there is no reason that older parents can't be very active. I live in NYC, and you see parents in their 30's and 40's, and beyond, who are very fit, very active all the time here. 

It's all in how you chose to prioritize your health. If you want to have a baby past your 20's, and still be a fit, active parent than make sure that's your priority.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It was the age thing for me... I wanted kids when I was in my twenties. The way I sort of viewed it was from my parents.. By the time they were 50, they were empty nesters with enough financial security and health to really enjoy life. Jet setters. Tons of travel, and just generally living it up. 

I also remember that growing up, having younger parents than my friends made them more or less relatable to my friends. We never wanted to go over to “Timmy’s house” because his mom was a uptight old lady like my grandma. My parents threw their own adult parties, did a ton of fun stuff like camping, skiing, etc. All these experiences because they were basically younger and full of life still. My friends were always jealous. I envied my parents learning how to juggle being youngish while maintaining enough maturity to be parents. 

And I look at my sister... late thirties (husband in his fourties) before they had kids. Complications, hormones, etc. Add to this that he’ll be retiring about the same time as the daughter will be going to college. Didn’t even live it up in their twenties and just focused on careers so they’d be ‘financially stable’ enough for kids. Doesn’t sound like fun to me....


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Racer said:


> And I look at my sister... late thirties (husband in his fourties) before they had kids. Complications, hormones, etc. Add to this that he’ll be retiring about the same time as the daughter will be going to college. Didn’t even live it up in their twenties and just focused on careers so they’d be ‘financially stable’ enough for kids. Doesn't sound like fun to me....



Retiring at the same time the daughter is going to school? That math sounds totally off. My mom, three of my aunts, and my mother in law all had kids in their late 30's (with zero complication, hormones, etc mind you) and none of them were anywhere close to retirement when those kids graduated high school 

The typical retirement age in this country is mid to late 60's. If you have a kid at say 37, they're off to high school by the time you're 55. That leaves you at least ten years left of work, and if you took good care of yourself and live an average length lifespan, plenty of time to have lots, and lots of fun without the kiddies.

It just seem to me that some of the negative assumptions people are making about parents in their 30's comes down to personal choices, and not something inherently unavoidable about being an older parent.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Jaquen- that is if you intend on working all the way to 65. I plan on having the flexibility to retire before then. I want to still work some, but not be required to work. Do it because I want to fill the time and it is something I enjoy. Working into my 60's is way to old to be working full time.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Jaquen- that is if you intend on working all the way to 65. I plan on having the flexibility to retire before then. I want to still work some, but not be required to work. Do it because I want to fill the time and it is something I enjoy. Working into my 60's is way to old to be working full time.


The retirement age is getting older and older every single year. And that age is advancing despite whatever age people are having children. It's not like parents in their 20's are somehow retiring earlier than people who had kids later.

Besides my dad was 48 when his last child was born, and he still retired in his early 50's.

So ultimately this conversation about when to have children has absolutely nothing to do with retirement age anyway.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> The retirement age is getting older and older every single year. And that age is advancing despite whatever age people are having children. It's not like parents in their 20's are somehow retiring earlier than people who had kids later.
> 
> Besides my dad was 48 when his last child was born, and he still retired in his early 50's.
> 
> So ultimately this conversation about when to have children has absolutely nothing to do with retirement age anyway.


You are right, it really doesn't have much to do with it. But it came up, so I commented. I still don't like the idea of having kids at an older age (where I am at) for multiple reasons; want to be young as my kids are growing up, want to be younger when there are grandchildren. At this point I think 1 child would be the max simply because of my age. (When I was born I had 2 grandparents that were 42, and 43) It just changes things.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> You are right, it really doesn't have much to do with it. But it came up, so I commented. I still don't like the idea of having kids at an older age (where I am at) for multiple reasons; want to be young as my kids are growing up, want to be younger when there are grandchildren. At this point I think 1 child would be the max simply because of my age. (When I was born I had 2 grandparents that were 42, and 43) It just changes things.


Have you ever thought about adopting an older child? I have strong desires to do that, and have for years. If you really connect with a kid who is older, you get a child to love, and be loved by, but the span of time you have before they reach legal age is shorter. So, chronologically speaking at least, you still would technically be in the young parents box if the child is old enough.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Racer said:* My parents threw their own adult parties, did a ton of fun stuff like camping, skiing, etc. All these experiences because they were basically younger and full of life still. My friends were always jealous. I envied my parents learning how to juggle being youngish while maintaining enough maturity to be parents


Here is what I am convinced.... I think Racer is like my husband .... more of the Laid back family man type... these types of men are more up for kids early on... they have that "yearning to bond with children" in them...... my husband has always been like this, love him for it. I think men who have a fast Lifestyle, Lavish, exciting /thrive on their time alone....building those careers...many such men want to start a family (if at all)...later in their 30's ++ ...feeling they would regret the loss of freedom in their 20's. 

Neither is wrong....But keep in mind... a woman may be taking more of RISK in waiting... (but there is always invitro if one can afford it).... My best friend growing up - she had a career - didn't want to put that on hold, so she & husband started trying at around 37 ....couldn't conceive...then she came down with Graves Disease....learned her meds would harm a fetus...off & on flare ups - & infertility -that was 10 yrs ago now... I know she envies our family.... Her FB posts are filled with her precious dogs, these are her kids ... I knew she wishes she had tried a little sooner in life for those children -not knowing the disease would slash her dreams. 

I am a worrier by nature...and those types of situations played on my mind, plus I didn't like the fact with age rises birth defects. That was HUGE for me....pretty much why we let nature take its course as soon as the ink was dry on our Wedding certificate. Plus ...like Racer...we wanted to be younger Parents. We did have 7 yrs dating prior though. No regrets.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> Have you ever thought about adopting an older child? I have strong desires to do that, and have for years. If you really connect with a kid who is older, you get a child to love, and be loved by, but the span of time you have before they reach legal age is shorter. So, chronologically speaking at least, you still would technically be in the young parents box if the child is old enough.


Not a chance. I have a hard time with the idea of adopting at all, the only way I could ever consider it is from having the baby from birth. There would still always be that question in my head about relating the different DNA to the life of the child.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Not a chance. I have a hard time with the idea of adopting at all, the only way I could ever consider it is from having the baby from birth. There would still always be that question in my head about relating the different DNA to the life of the child.


I can't really wrap my mind around that, as I believe deeply in adoption from a strong spiritual, moral, and emotional place, but at least you're honest.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jaquen said:


> I can't really wrap my mind around that, as I believe deeply in adoption from a strong spiritual, moral, and emotional place, but at least you're honest.


Adoption can be great for some people. For me, having children is something I would take great pride in. It would be the most important job I could possibly have and would take it quite seriously. But children begin their socialization from birth and having someone else impact the child early on that I am responsible for, it can be hard to overcome that.


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