# Feeling pretty freaking unappreciated.....



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

First time posting here after reading some threads here I decided to join.

As my title states, I'm feeling very unappreciated by my family. I have a wife, our 4 year old daughter, and a 16 year old stepson. Where should I start?

Wife:
I try my best to be a good husband. I'm not perfect by any means, but I try. She is never really affectionate with me inside or outside of the bedroom. I usually always initiate hugs and kisses are nothing more than pecks, even during sex. Speaking of which, I rarely get sex and when I do it feels like its done out of guilt or a hurry up and lets get this over thing. She never initiates it and claims she is always to tired. 

Normally I would take that, but she always has energy to work out over an hour a day and always has time and energy to go out with her friends. Its only with me that shes too tired. She even tried to make a deal with me saying she would "give" me sex on the weekends, but Sun-Thur was off limits due to her having to go to be early(1030pm) for work. There is always an excuse when it comes to me. Never an excuse when it comes to her working out or hanging with her friends the majority of which happens during the week.

I try to help around the house and its 50/50 on whether i get a thanks or a "you didnt do it right". Seems like i'm always the one who has to please her and she rarely tries to please me.

Daughter: 
This one kills me. She is 4 and my entire world. I do everything I can to be a good dad and show her my love. She seems to have inherited her mothers "lack of affection" gene. She will tell her mother she loves her all the time, and nothing to me. She will give her mother kisses and when I ask what about daddy, shes like "aww fine" and gives me a guilt kiss. I know shes 4 and doesnt understand what shes doing but it still hurts.

Stepson: 
His father is pretty much a deadbeat loser. Constantly missing child support, has a wife and stepson himself who he treats like his son. Has a "every other weekend only" relationship with my stepson out of guilt. No phone calls during the week, no interest in his life, nothing. 

I've pretty much raised him since he was 5. I'm his dad and love him as if he were my own. I help him with his homework every day, spend time with him, reward him when he does well, try to teach him to become a strong man. If anything, I've gone above and beyond to help overcome the fact that his biological father is only in the picture due to guilt from his parents.

So when i hear him tell his bio father he loves him and actually asks my wife for money to buy him an xmas/birthday gift, which he has never asked for me, it burns. He shows ultimate respect to his bio father and really pushes attitude to me.



So there it is in a nutshell. I always joke with myself that 3 of the 4 people in the house share the same thing. My wifes genes. She admits that she is a very selfish and unaffectionate person. The kids seem to take after that. I am a very affectionate person and thats where the problem lies. 

I've tried talking to her but nothing changes. As far as the sex thing, i know i had put on 50 pounds since we met and i thought that she wasnt attracted to me. I have lost 30 and will lose that last 20 in a couple of months. What I dont understand is she has done everything in her power to sabotage my weight loss. She tempts me with my favorite foods, gets mad at me when I dont eat her cooking and takes it so personal. She does almost everything to get me to not work out. I dont understand it.

Sorry for the long post but I had to vent. I'm just really down right now and i am having feelings that i would be better off alone. I am a loner by nature but thats the last thing i want.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Any chance you could leave the four year old with the sixteen year old and go to the gym with your wife? You could lose the weight and get fit and observe her reaction to you being there. I mean, it would say a lot about her if she didn't want you to get fit. She couldn't reasonably say that she works out for her health but you shouldn't.


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I hate gyms. I have a workout area at home that I use. I keep asking her why shes so afraid of me losing weight and all shes says is she doesnt want me to skinny. Its funny because i'm trying to get back to the weight i was when we met which is the ideal weight for someone my size. 

Part of me wonders if she knows that she does things that doesnt make me happy but is to lazy to change them. Me losing weight and getting back in shape scares her. I'm very supportive of her working out. She got into great shape and loves working out. I support her and love the way her body looks, even if i dont get to enjoy it much.

Like i stated, she admits she is a very selfish and unaffectionate person. I guess it just really sucks for me


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

One thought is her sex rank is higher than yours...

She would be scared if you lost weight and started looking better. Your sex rank may get higher than hers....that does a lot to the mind of a woman, she may even try to thwart your weight loss.

Not only that, if you got compliments from other woman that would start changing her attitude.

Have you ever read "married man's sex guide"?


50lbs is a lot of weight to gain. 

I'm 5-11 and at one point weighed 205, i felt horrible. Had a belly and love handles. I started working out and ate a healthy breakfast and dinner. Took me 4-5 months but now i've maintained 176lbs as of this moment. 

Thing is, you can do nothing now and keep up with the way these 3 treat you or start losing pounds and lift weights. Your wife will notice, your daughter will notice, and step son will see the confidence in you come back and he will notice.

And if they don't, then you are in a great position to find someone who will notice. Even if that means getting a divorce. I am pretty sure if you do those things it won't have to come to divorce.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

If she already has negative feelings about you, and it's pretty clear she does, then telling you not to work out and overfeeding you helps her justify those feelings because 1. You're letting her tell you what to do, and 2. You're remaining overweight. She can say to herself, "Hawx doesn't deserve my respect. He's out of shape and let's me push him around."

I would say to her, "Skinny isn't my goal, healthy is. I'm going to work out and eat better. Don't take it personally if I refuse second helpings at meals and don't take it personally if I approach *normal* weight according to the charts.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Also, you might want to get an administrator to move this thread to 'General Relationship Discussions' because it fits your situation better and a lot more people read it. You'll get many good responses in no time at all.


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I know she is a bit insecure. When she asks why I want to lose weight my response to her is first to be healthy for her and my daughter. Second, I want to look the best I can for my wife. Getting noticed by other women feels great to any man, however, to me, I want my wife to look at me and just want me like she did when we were dating.

I know she works out because she likes getting noticed and wants to stay in shape. I dont know if she does it for me or not. All I know is i rarely get to enjoy her body other than looking at it. Hell, I can go anywhere and look but not touch.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

hawx20 said:


> I know she is a bit insecure. When she asks why I want to lose weight my response to her is first to be healthy for her and my daughter. Second, I want to look the best I can for my wife. Getting noticed by other women feels great to any man, however, to me, I want my wife to look at me and just want me like she did when we were dating.
> 
> I know she works out because she likes getting noticed and wants to stay in shape. I dont know if she does it for me or not. All I know is i rarely get to enjoy her body other than looking at it. Hell, I can go anywhere and look but not touch.


That response gives her too much power. You should get healthy for you, not for her and your daughter. She's been trying to fatten you up. She obviously doesn't want you to get healthy for her or be attractive to others. 

She's not working out for you. You say you get begrudging weekend sex which means she works out to be attractive to others. 

I think you need to move this thread to the General Relationship Discussions area and start realizing that you are headed down the road to divorce. She doesn't respect you and her treatment of you has rubbed off on your four year old. You are in a bad position. Being a few pounds over weight is the least big your issues.


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I agree. Now how to fix it, if it can be. I know shes not working out for me. Even though she says she is. I even asked her one time if shes doing it for me, what good do i get out of it since i hardly ever get to enjoy her body? 

At this point, resentment and anger are taking over. I am getting in shape for me. This just fuels and motivates me more.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Please don't tell her you are doing it for her. I did that in the beggining and I got a dismall response. 

A few months later I said I'm doing it for myself and showed much more confidence. 

Getting compliments and looks from other women is not a bad thing. Cheating with those women is...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I would never cheat. Its not in my nature. Also, its not a problem with confidence and i'm no pushover. In fact, one of the things she gets mad about me is i'm not one of those "yes dear, whatever you say dear" type guys.

I told her today i'm not happy and things are going to change. Of course she sounded surprised and had no idea where this was coming from.

We didnt get a chance to talk since she was on break so we'll see how it goes.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

hawx20 said:


> I usually always initiate hugs and kisses are nothing more than pecks, even during sex. Speaking of which, I rarely get sex and when I do it feels like its done out of guilt or a hurry up and lets get this over thing. She never initiates it and claims she is always to tired.
> 
> Normally I would take that, but she always has energy to work out over an hour a day and always has time and energy to go out with her friends. Its only with me that shes too tired. She even tried to make a deal with me saying she would "give" me sex on the weekends, but Sun-Thur was off limits due to her having to go to be early(1030pm) for work. There is always an excuse when it comes to me. Never an excuse when it comes to her working out or hanging with her friends the majority of which happens during the week.


hawx20,

I think you are letting your feelings of self worth depend on what you are see coming from your wife and this is just never going to work. I personally think your wife's proposal has a lot of merit, especially if she gave you Sunday in addition


----------



## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

After reading your post I would be bothered that she works out all of the time and goes out with her friends, all while telling you not to work out.
Maybe I read too much into this, but how much aware are you of the activity your wife does with her friends? You are no longer her top priority. 



> Normally I would take that, but she always has energy to work out over an hour a day and *always has time and energy to go out with her friends.** Its only with me that shes too tired.* She even tried to make a deal with me saying she would "give" me sex on the weekends, but Sun-Thur was off limits due to her having to go to be early(1030pm) for work.* There is always an excuse when it comes to me. Never an excuse when it comes to her working out or hanging with her friends the majority of which happens during the week.*


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I read a study somewhere that determined that couples are happiest when the man is more overweight than the woman. Doesn't matter how overweight the wife is, as long as the husband is more, she's happy


----------



## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I read a study somewhere that determined that couples are happiest when the man is more overweight than the woman. Doesn't matter how overweight the wife is, as long as the husband is more, she's happy


Just how does that help here? He is speaking about his lack of happiness, not hers.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

It could explain why she would work out and not be concerned about his working out


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> hawx20,
> 
> I think you are letting your feelings of self worth depend on what you are see coming from your wife and this is just never going to work. I personally think your wife's proposal has a lot of merit, especially if she gave you Sunday in addition



No. Friday and saturday night. Its still bs because i know some excuse will be made. Its not even the frequency, its the quality. I do all the work. I have to turn her on. Then there is always a smart ass remark afterwords like "there leave me alone for the week" or something like that. I dont let her determine my self worth. If anything its my self worth telling me i dont need this crap and can do better. Im just hating my marriage right now and im not happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> No. Friday and saturday night. Its still bs because i know some excuse will be made. Its not even the frequency, its the quality. I do all the work. I have to turn her on. Then there is always a smart ass remark afterwords like "there leave me alone for the week" or something like that. I dont let her determine my self worth. If anything its my self worth telling me i dont need this crap and can do better. Im just hating my marriage right now and im not happy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Get angry... let it feed the fire for change.

Read Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life (MMSL) and run the MAP

Change you FOR you...


----------



## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> It could explain why she would work out and not be concerned about his working out


I seriously doubt that, from what I can conclude is she is using it to keep him down, under her control. She is showing no signs of his concerns much at all.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

hawx20 said:


> No. Friday and saturday night. Its still bs because i know some excuse will be made. Its not even the frequency, its the quality. I do all the work. I have to turn her on. Then there is always a smart ass remark afterwords like "there leave me alone for the week" or something like that. I dont let her determine my self worth. If anything its my self worth telling me i dont need this crap and can do better. Im just hating my marriage right now and im not happy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


With all due respect, this sounds more like entitlement than self worth. Ask her how about Friday, Sunday and Wednesday and she agrees not to say anything afterward


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

IndyTMI said:


> She is showing no signs of his concerns much at all.


Seems to be a lot of that going around these days. A minor epidemic


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> I keep asking her why shes so afraid of me losing weight and all shes says is she doesnt want me to skinny.
> 
> *TRANSLATION - She doesn't want you to become attrative to other women because while you're heavier, she doesn't have to give you sex.*
> 
> ...


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

And one more thing, start going out with YOUR friends! Be very vague about who and where and even if you can't get anything together with friends, go out antway! Go to the mall or catch a movie by your self but let it be known if she's out Friday night, Saturday is YOUR night

Be sure ro dress nicely but not over the top and be sure to put on some nice cologne

Be sure to have at least the smell of beer on your breath (or your liquor of choice) when you walk in the house even if you have to keep a beer in the truck and drink it in the driveway!


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

She is admits she is selfish. She doesn't want you to lose weight & become healthier even though that is what you want. She is teaching the children to be selfish. She is disrespectful & says cruel remarks to you.

I am happy that you have good self-esteem & recognize her inappropriate behavior.

1) You need to clearly & honestly tell her how you feel.
2) Book a marriage counseling appointment. If she refuses to go, go alone (I did).

Good luck.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Well it looks like she turned you into a paycheck mule/baby sitter. The no sex Sun-Thurs thing is off the chart BS and her overall attitude toward sex is disrespectful. She's diminishing your needs and sabotaging your appearance so she doesn't have to worry about you getting fed up and leaving. She's trying to squash your confidence, but it may be a subconcious thing. Is she manipulative by nature? 

Time to take your balls out of her purse and man up. You mentioned you're not a pushover, but in reality you are a pushover to her. She has your number and she's acting as if whatever she does she knows you'll deal. Words won't work in this case. You sound like a homebody and this is working against you. Get out and do something for yourself on a regular basis. Don't ask for her permision. By the way, your daughter is simply emulating your wifes behavior. Your wife sets the example of how to treat Daddy. Your wife is dismissive and therefore so is your daugher.


----------

