# Newly separated



## paintball22 (Nov 26, 2019)

Hello, my husband moved out in August of this year. It wasn't a shock but I had gone back to therapy for depression and anxiety I have suffered with this since our second child. 

But I had it my entire life but didn't get treatment until then. I was 29. Instead of giving him two weeks to find a place I packed his clothes and made him leave the next morning. He stayed with friends and now has a 2 bedroom apartment close by. We have to teenagers and 1 adult child and 1 grandchild. 

I asked him several times over the past few years to go to marriage counseling. we had gone 6 times several years ago but it didn't really stick. He is adamant we are getting divorced but wants to remain friends and co-parent. We are going to counseling now to deal with how to treat each other and be friends and co parent. He said he agreed to go because he was worried about me. He told me I have to get over it and I need to be stronger.

He is not a very empathetic person and very cold emotionally. We hadn't had sex in almost 12 years. He has prostate cancer but he had had issues before that but never wanted to get treatment and just didn't want any intimacy. It was killing me like not even a hug or kiss and when I tried he was very standoffish. His excuse is that is just how he is. Well I'm affectionate. I felt unloved. 

I gained a lot of weight after our second child and I have always been on the heavy side. He never said it was that but in my head it was. I started gambling about 5 or 6 years ago and I had to tell him since I handled the finances when our house was 3 months behind and then his truck was repossessed. He then took over the finances and resented me for it. He always threw it up in my face.

I did it several more times and now he said he will never trust me again with money but he forgave me. He said I should be with someone that will make me happy that he can't do it. I don't need anyone to make me happy all I wanted was to be loved not have a roommate. He's very routine oriented and anything extra with the kids he always had to work didn't make the effort to go to games and if he did he was miserable. It was always just myself and the kids. We only went out with his friends who I had known prior to the marriage as we grew up together but he always had to have his way. I would go to family holidays myself with the kids unless we hosted which we always do now or did. 

I want to give it one last try and asked him to try for a year living apart and going to therapy. He said he doesn't want to be married. This has put a huge financial strain on both of us. I make more money but he would work overtime which recently has been cancelled. He is having his prostate removed next year. I cry almost daily and when we are together I cry when he leaves and on his weekends with the kids I just get so down and just sleep. I don't know why I want to try since he is so adamant. 

I understand the mistake I made and I haven't gambled since he left. I just want to know we gave it one last real try. We didn't date much I had a child and then I got pregnant and we got married all within 4 months so we never got to date. I thought now the kids are teenagers we have a bit more freedom why can't we date and see how it goes but he is dead set. He took a girl he works with to a movie with our couple friends and it humiliated me. I asked him to please not date. He said they were just friends and he was sick of going out by himself with his friends. And the girl her daughter and my daughter are in the same class. I don't know her but she just got divorced. 

His family is upset with him and my family thinks I'm better off. Am I not being strong because I cry everyday. He says this is hard for him too he just doesn't show emotions. He really doesn't except for when his Dad almost died. He's really closed off emotionally and I am the exact opposite. Has anyone been in this situation where you're going to "marriage counseling" where one wants to try and the other doesn't?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

To begin with, did you ever realize that your gambling was an addiction? Do you ever feel the urge to gamble again? I'm an advocate of 12-step programs, because overall they can address the issues that are beneath the actual addiction JMO.

Your husband is done with the marriage. He is seeing someone else, even if it's only occasionally and casual. However, since it sounds like he is tight-lipped and not very emotional, he could well be in the middle of a full-blown affair.

Time to let go, disengage, and work on yourself. Your husband is done. He doesn't want to reconcile. Sorry to be so blunt, but I was married to a man who wasn't emotionally invested in the marriage. I tried for awhile, then realized I was just exhibiting a total lack of self-respect. I had that ah-ha moment when I realized I was wasting my time and energy on a man who didn't care. I was fine after that.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He is done, and it doesn’t sound like there is much to salvage from this failed marriage anyway. I’m sorry for your pain. You need to work on yourself and being a great mom. 

Let him go, and find someone who loves you and can show you that he does.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

You put up with a sexless marriage for 12 years and now all of a sudden you're wanting to save the marriage? What were you hoping would happen before he wanted the divorce? You weren't happy; he wasn't fulfilling your needs for attention & physical love. I'm not quite understanding why this isn't a relief? What were you actively doing, before, to try and bring the two of you back together?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Fault on both sides, I think. A cold, emotionless husband and a wife who gambles so much she and her family nearly lost the house and the husband lost his truck.

I think post-marriage counselling might be of benefit.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is DONE. Respect that and give him the divorce. You absolutely CANNOT save it by yourself. Do you really want him to stick around if he doesnt want you? Time to move on.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IT sounds to me that you eere both very miserable, so maybe it would be for the best that you part. Put your energies into being the best mum you can and do things that you will enjoy.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I'm sorry but it does seem like it is over. It's good that you aren't being mean to each other. 

Are you still being treated for depression? If not, you might want to check in w/ a counsellor given your history and what a difficult time this is.


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