# Choice for me to make between my husband and my parents



## tongxing072 (Apr 27, 2019)

My husband and I have been married over a decade and have two wonderful kids together. In the first several years of our marriage, like other normal husbands and wives, we had some ups and downs, but we managed to go through them. Overall, we did ok. Our marriage dramatically went downhill since last year. At that time, my parents were going through some difficult time and ended up staying with us for a couple of months. My husband was not happy about it, which I understood. I tried to calmly explain to him that it was only temporary and they would move out. But nothing helped. We had so many heated conversations even after my parents moved out. I still invited my parents to my house once a while (every other month) and my husband is not happy about this either. He doesn't respect them while my parents are at my house. Sometimes, he just doesn't even respond when they try to talk to him. When I witnessed it, it broke my heart. Of course, my parents noticed that and don't want to come to visit me that often anymore. I know they don't want to make my life difficult. But I feel so guilty that I have to put them through this. 

Life still moves on, but our days are no longer the same anymore. I can never bring up any conversation involving my family. My husband always gets very irritated every time when I talk about my family. He keeps reminding that I don't belong to my parents' family anymore as I am married to him. Even worst, a couple of months ago, I got two photos framed - one is from his side of the family and one is mine. When I showed him that I was going to hang them up. He questioned me why I would hang my family reunion picture in our house. I was so shocked and couldn't believe how he could become such a ridiculous person. I told him I didn't appreciate his attitude. Then he apologized, but I don't think he truly realized that he has been such jerk. Till today, the picture is now still in our basement as I don't bring it up to cause any complication. But our argument never stops. Every other day, we argue over the similar issue over and over again. Last night, we were talking about giving some money to my parents for their birthdays. He got mad again. He accused me that I secretly gave additional money to my parents. Eventually, I had to do 'check and balance' in order to prove my innocence. I admit that we do financially support my parents every year, but the total of money that we give to my parents is not even 1% of our total income. 

My husband constantly praises about his mom as she gives money to my kids when she sees them. My husband also wants to invite his mom to go on vacation with us, but not even once that he would say to invite my parents. Even though I am not happy about this, but I never say anything or disagree. For some reasons, my mother-in-law still has not been on vacation with us, but my husband thinks it is my fault as I never willingly support his idea. I don't praise myself as the best daughter-in-law, but I think I am respectful and reasonable. Before the whole thing started last year, my husband even agreed that I am a decent daughter-in-law. 

Because of my husband's attitude towards my parents, I feel very hesitant to invite my parents over anymore. I know the situation is not going to get better and we will argue over this again and his accusation will get more ridiculous each time. Since my husband makes more money than I do and just to give him peace of mind, I am thinking of separating our finance. We will contribute the same amount of money every month to pay for our mortgage and other necessaries. Say the least, I have full control of how I spend my money. Is it the right approach to take? 

In the past year, we have argued so much that I feel tired and can't breathe in this marriage. I feel like my husband keeps pushing me to choose between him vs my parents. I hardly sleep at night and my doctor told me that I might be having depression now. What should I do? My kids are still young and I feel heartless to put them through the process if anything happens to their parents. But I just can't go on like this anymore. NEED HELP PLEASE!


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Need a little more information.

You and your husband financially support your parents?

Why?

You got along well until your parents stayed with you and your husband?

What took place during the stay?

When they come to visit who pays? where do they stay and for how long?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I believe I've read your story before posted under another name and perhaps on another board. But I've read it before and if you ARE the same poster who has posted this in the past, it's sad to see that you're still with this abusive man.



> He doesn't respect them while my parents are at my house. Sometimes, he just doesn't even respond when they try to talk to him.


Your husband is either a complete and total ass-hole, or he is severely disordered. It's one or the other. I think it's the latter.

And for what it's worth, if you're *gifting* your parents monetarily with an amount that represents LESS than 1% of your income, then you're NOT 'supporting them.' I mean come on - if you and your husband's combine income is $100,000 a year, then you're giving them $1000 a year. That's HARDLY 'supporting' anyone. It's generous and it's very kind don't get me wrong, but you're *not *supporting them. And since you're also working, I'll assume that the money you give them is money you've earned - it's not like you're sitting home watching TV all day and taking money he earned to give to them. Jesus, how PETTY can this guy be?



> I am thinking of separating our finance. We will contribute the same amount of money every month to pay for our mortgage and other necessaries. Say the least, I have full control of how I spend my money. Is it the right approach to take?


That's a good START. Of course if I were you, my next step would be *divorcing* this douche bag. It would be an awfully cold day in hell before any man told me that I'm married to HIM now and I'm no longer a part of the family I grew up in. Who the hell does this guy think he is? What an arrogant jerk.

Sadly, you *allow *this bullying and have allowed it for far too long. 

My last piece of advice is THIS. Your parents will be your parents for your WHOLE life. That will never, ever change no matter HOW much hot air your nasty, big mouthed husband spews about them. But if you allow this gross mistreatment and disrespect toward them to continue with this bully you stay married to, then you will have many feelings of regret and guilt one day when they're gone. And if I'm being honest, he AIN'T worth it.

Trust me - he ain't worth it.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I believe I've read your story before posted under another name and perhaps on another board. But I've read it before and if you ARE the same poster who has posted this in the past, it's sad to see that you're still with this abusive man.
> 
> Your husband is either a complete and total ass-hole, or he is severely disordered. It's one or the other. I think it's the latter.
> 
> ...


Just curious if you have ever had family living with you for a couple months?

As a man who has had this take place I can say it is stressful. 

Utility bills go up. Food expenses. Crowding. Cant even get peace and quiet in your own home. 

Your home is no longer a sanctuary. 

Happened many times with my XW. I didn't even want them coming over to visit for quite some time after that.

It's much worse if it's the in-laws. Many parents would find faults to drive the son or daughter-in-law mad.

We need more information before we can come to such conclusions.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Lets get down to the essence of the matter. 

What do you want for an outcome?

For your husband to be welcoming and respectful of your parents? 

To end your marriage to this man?

Which is more likely?


It's understandable to worry about your children regarding a divorce. I can tell you patently, the long term impact on your children for remaining in a disrespectful or abusive marriage will substantially outweigh the impact of mom and dad having separate households. I have a close friend who remains married to his spouse for the benefit of their children because mom is the one 'disordered'. She doesn't (refuses) work, and he knows he won't get full custody. He has absolutely no respect for her, none. And that becomes the basis for how kids frame relationships.

Divorce is never a great choice. But it is absolutely sometimes the best one.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I agree that it is very difficult to have family live with you. And when it's your inlaws it can be even more stressful if you aren't especially close to them. If my inlaws had ever moved in with me, I'd feel like I couldn't be myself in my own home. I'd have felt judged constantly. Now, did your husband handle it well? Nope. But I can see why he didn't want them there. They invaded his privacy, end of story. 

As for him acting like you should forget you ever had a family before him, that's a little weird. Is he from a culture where that's the norm? There are some cultures where the wife leaves her family, joins the husband's family and that's that. If this isn't the case then he's a hypocritical *******. Have you pointed out to him the hypocritical nature of banning your parents while inviting his mother on your vacation? 

If you want to save your marriage I suggest marriage counseling at this point. Years of arguing about this is getting you nowhere.


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