# What do I do ?



## Kalee (Sep 8, 2017)

So, husband had an affair that I found out about 9 weeks ago. We have been working through things and looked at the root cause etc and agreed to work on that. The problem is, whilst I carry on with daily life and don't talk about anything, things are great. As soon as I try to talk about things to do with the relationship or how I'm feeling etc he starts to attack, sees no way forward for us and wants to leave. 

We have been intimate since it happened until this week. I caught him assisting himself whilst watching porn in our kitchen in the morning. I didn't go mad or shout, I tried to understand. The following night we were intimate. The night after he turned over so I tried to talk and started going over things etc he again tells me he wants to leave doesn't want to be with me is only being loving and intimate because it's what he's expected to do. 

I'm as positive as I can be that he has been genuinely loving and intimate and not doing what he feels he's expected to do. 

The following night I try to talk again and he hasn't changed, wants to leave but worried about finances etc ( we went over all of this before and I gave him to option to leave and he said he didn't want to and it wasn't financial concerns stopping him). Not knowing what else to do I suggest we start from nothing instead of trying to sort out what we had and he move into the spare room but with a view to try and fall in love again. He has agreed. 

ETA - when I say attack, I mean verbally. Basically telling me how bad I've been him feel for soooo long etc he's never raised this ever in 15years I agree that I defend and protect myself verbally rather than being vulnerable and that my words come out as harsh and don't reflect what I'm truly feeling but I've always thought he knew me and understood. I'd never want to intentionally hurt him and now I know, I've been working on it but that it. We were quite happy... bumbled along yes, been through lots of things like miscarriages etc but things have never been bad enough to justify this. The first I've heard of this is after his affair. 

In 15 years when he has been home and not working, we have never slept apart. I feel so sick thinking about it and worry that sleeping separate and not being intimate will tear us apart even further... 

Can anyone shed any light? He swears that the affair is over but the problem is that whilst he is never late etc, it happened at work in the morning or during the day and I have no idea if it is really over :-(


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Kalee said:


> So, husband had an affair that I found out about 9 weeks ago.


He's a scumbag, shame on you not filing for divorce. 



Kalee said:


> As soon as I try to talk about things to do with the relationship or how I'm feeling etc he starts to attack, sees no way forward for us and wants to leave.


Because you did not file for divorce, you basically told him, "Treat me like DIRT. It's okay, I'm too cowardly to stand up for myself. You have carte blanche to shut me down."



Kalee said:


> Can anyone shed any light? He swears that the affair is over but the problem is that whilst he is never late etc, it happened at work in the morning or during the day and I have no idea if it is really over :-(


The affair is absolutely NOT over. You continue to allow yourself to be played for a fool because you are codependent and lack self respect.

FILE FOR DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY. What this does is send a signal loud and clear that you will NOT tolerate his disrespect any longer.

If he gives a damn about you, he will be on his hands and knees begging for another chance. If he isn't, then you are BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.

It's literally a win/win proposition for you and you can cancel it later if things start to work themselves out. but you MUST file. He won't take you seriously otherwise.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Yeah, gtfo. You deserve better.


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## Kalee (Sep 8, 2017)

Herschel said:


> Yeah, gtfo. You deserve better.


We have a beautiful little boy to consider too :-( 
I wish he just spoke to me before.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Let him go. You will never truly be able to reconcile this. Do yourself a favor and get out.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Everyone is right.....File for divorce. 

You may not get divorced but you will let him know you mean business.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

There is no reconciliation without a remorseful wayward.

His blame-shifting is a true sign of a lack of remorse.

Therefore, remorse is not possible with him. At least, not right now.

He's using emotional manipulation slash blackmail by levying the threat of divorce against you every time you legitimately express how you feel. 

It is time to call him on his BS. In order to do what I'm about to suggest, you're going to need to have stone cold, brass lady balls. However, it's likely the only chance (albeit slim) to turn this thing around.

"Given I can't express to you how hurt I am over your inability to remain faithful, I agree with you that divorce is in our best interest. I will be consulting an attorney and filing within the next week. Start thinking about how you would like to divide assets and custody."

Then walk away. Seriously. Do not engage him in any more conversation about the relationship. When he does engage you, simply hold your hand up and say:

"Talk of improving a relationship is for people who are loving, respectful, and faithful. Since you are none of these things, there's simply no point in discussing."

Then walk away again.

You see, you have to love yourself enough to not tolerate being treated this way. Yes, you have a child to think of. However, more important than an intact home is that child being raised in a family dynamic that you will one day want him emulate. Can you say this is the model you want him to see?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kalee said:


> We have a beautiful little boy to consider too :-(
> I wish he just spoke to me before.


What a wonderful Gal you are.
So forgiving.

You deserve better.
Better he leave soon.

He does not want you.
That much is crystal clear.
His speaking out before remained mute, moot today.

The reasons to stay are tiny.
The reasons he needs to go are his full blather, loose intestinal fortitude.


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## silentgypsy (Sep 8, 2017)

Kalee said:


> The night after he turned over so I tried to talk and started going over things etc he again tells me he wants to leave doesn't want to be with me is only being loving and intimate because it's what he's expected to do.


He's being honest with you. Listen to him. Leave. Staying in this kind of marriage will destroy you. It's scary to be alone but you really deserve better.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

I feel for you. Let him go, he does not love you the way you should be. My husband did a similar thing where he said all these impossibly horrible things I apparently did/was. He was trying to deflect that he was having an affair. They rewrite history to fit the narrative of their fantasy.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The affair was just another door for him to use to exit the marriage. He is making himself very very clear that he wants out, by actions and words. Stop using the child as an excuse, raising a kid in that kind of environment isn't doing him any favors, it only gives him a bad example of a marriage.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Kalee said:


> We have a beautiful little boy to consider too :-(
> I wish he just spoke to me before.


Would you rather your son:

A) Treat women in his life like dirt too because he learned from his dad that it's okay; OR

B) Learn from his mom what self respect is and not accepting people's crap behavior looks like.

You're not doing this kid any favors by being a doormat, you're just being selfish by tolerating it.


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## [email protected] (Sep 8, 2017)

Kalee said:


> We have a beautiful little boy to consider too :-(
> I wish he just spoke to me before.


You should make him leave the house not the bedroom. He still has everything and can make you fell like your going crazy. He is a dirt bag. Your beautiful son is the #1 reason you shouldn't stay with this man. He will see how daddy treats mommy and grow up thinking that this is how a man is suppose to treat his wife. Children are little sponges, do you want to in 25-30 years have your future daughter-in-law come to you in this same predicament? Truth is the only way you can be a good mother to him and good to yourself. I'm not saying take his son away! Let him decide what and how he's going to be a good daddy cause he already royally Screwed up the good husband part. If he is still working with the OW then the skeptic in me says he's still doing it/her. He has no remorse, or he wouldn't push this as you are crazy and he just needs to leave. Let him go, after a few years you'll be able to respect him again, maybe a little.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Everyone has their limit. Adultery is mine and out of self respect I would have him leave the house. How can you trust him again? Can you live the rest of your life questioning his whereabouts or his story? Questioning who he is texting? That is a big burden if you ask me.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kalee said:


> So, husband had an affair that I found out about 9 weeks ago. We have been working through things and looked at the root cause etc and agreed to work on that. The problem is, whilst I carry on with daily life and don't talk about anything, things are great. As soon as I try to talk about things to do with the relationship or how I'm feeling etc he starts to attack, sees no way forward for us and wants to leave.
> 
> We have been intimate since it happened until this week. I caught him assisting himself whilst watching porn in our kitchen in the morning. I didn't go mad or shout, I tried to understand. The following night we were intimate. The night after he turned over so I tried to talk and started going over things etc he again tells me he wants to leave doesn't want to be with me is only being loving and intimate because it's what he's expected to do.
> 
> ...



Your WH is nor remorseful. You have to be willing to lose this marriage to save it. There can be no reconciliation till he is remorseful and decides to do the hard work necessary to get you back on track. At the moment he only wants to rug sweep so he needs you to go scorched earth on him.

Do not tell him anything, just tell him you love him but it is clear he is not going to do the work necessary for you to heal and carry on so as it stands you are assuming he is not remorseful.

1. Do the 180 on him.
2. Sleep in a separate room, no more sleeping with him. YOu have made a huge mistake here because there are absolutely no consequences for what he has done
3. Stop playing the 'pick me' dance, if he wants to go, let him go. Tell him so, 'there is the door'
4. Go and get STD tested, tell him you are doing so and he should too (more consequences)
5. Tell all your family and friends what he has done, expose him (let him carry the shame, and this will keep him accountable, do not keep his secret, as that allows him to continue)
6. There is no evidence the affair is over, ask for a timeline, information on the OW. Contact her H (if she has one) and expose the A (urgently)
7. Insist he leaves that job now, if he refuses then say you will be filing for divorce
8. Go see a lawyer and see what your options are
9. Stop talk about 'falling in love again' etc, he broke the marriage, he fixes it, period and you tell him this
10. You start going out with friends, going to the gym, etc, with the 180, no discussion stick to bills, household, etc, act as if he is not there, be cordial but not overly friendly. Let him see what he is going to lose. 
11. He is worried about money because if you divorce his ass he will have to pay, make sure you get this sorted out with a lawyer, he is not your H or your friend, he is now the enemy, treat this as such. 

He wants you to rug sweep, this means he doesn't care about you, the sex is just him getting his rocks off. If he was remorseful he would be willing to talk about the A. He is not. Do not be deceived, this is typical cheater style. The A may just have gone underground, he wants to have his cake and eat it, stop playing softly softly, this is a war for your marriage, these actions may seem counter intuitive but he needs to see what he is going to lose. If he doesn't care then there is no point in your hanging onto a man who doesn't want to be with you.

do you work?

Remember there must be consequences, as it is you are in a weak position, having sex with him and playing the pick me dance, he should be begging you to stay. Take back your power now. Do not be a doormat.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

For as long as he continues to work alongside his affair partner, the affair is ongoing.

That's pretty much Rule #1 of workplace affairs.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yeah, this Remorse thing.

There he stands, in the marital home.

The 'stink' of another women on him. The odor from another cheater of a women.

His hands, his lips, his poker....all reek of betrayal.

Where is the shame, the embarrassment on his part?

If not the Remorse, what about the self-Repercussions, the self Loathing. Some sense of loss, loss of self respect?

The Nerve of this Dude. Having soiled himself outside the marriage, now he rubs it in your face?

He again gets intimate.

He inserts his filthy guile six inches inside your body...a thousand feet inside your forgiving and loving mind?

That takes Nerve. And it takes a cruel, selfish man to do this. One lacking any semblance of kindness or basic human compassion.

Him: "Okay, first I knife you, now I rub the salt in my Semen in/on the wound". Nice guy, this one.

To the women he married, gave his vows to.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

All he had to do was divorce you first. Then go have another life.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You are trying to guess his state of mind, that is like trying to guess what dreams you will have at night.

You don't know what you don't know so how will you know when you do get the truth?

As said, we do teach people how to treat us... what lesson is he learning from you?

If he loved and respected himself more, you and your child would not be going through this but the stone of poor choice has been cast... he didn't and now you are, if you distance yourself far enough the ripples have less impact but the only way to remove them completely is to leave the pond.

In time, the ripples do subside... but that will never happen unless the poor choices do too.

What do you have to compromise to keep from tipping and stay afloat?

Forget the life he has disappointed you in, that you know... can you afford such in your present life?

When you see his hands free of stones, then believe his actions match his words.

Until then and after, love yourself more...


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> He inserts his filthy guile _six inches_ inside your body...


That's very generous of you... I'd of rounded down, way down.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He wants you to forget about it and rug-sweep. In other words, basically shut up and pretend it never happened. 

He's not remorseful and you will never have a successful R unless he is.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> There is no reconciliation without a remorseful wayward.
> 
> His blame-shifting is a true sign of a lack of remorse.
> 
> ...


Listen to farside. He helped me immensely when I busted my wife.


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