# Going Through a Divorce...Swinging=Cheating?



## Rae9 (Dec 5, 2020)

Hi everyone. Let me just say right off the bat that I'm not sure exactly where to post this, I feel as if my situation is kind of unusual. I apologize if this is in the wrong place! I've come here looking for help/advice, I'm not sure where else to turn.

My husband and I have recently begun the process of getting a divorce. This is something he wanted, and although I'd rather try to work through our issues and figure it all out, I've agreed to it. We have a daughter and ultimately I just want the relationship to be in a good place for her sake. I would like the divorce to be as drama free as possible (a pipe dream apparently), but it seems as if my husband has other ideas. We are in our early 30s but have been together since sophopmore year of high school, and for all that time he has been a reasonable, caring, considerate person. But something has changed, and he's acting very spiteful and cold. I was also completely thrown off guard, because he is basically trying to blackmail me, which I guess brings me to the point of why I'm posting here.This is honestly very embarrassing, but here it goes...

He and I have been involved in a type of swinging for the past like, 5 years. It's the kind where I am with other men, and he just watches. It was ENTIRELY his idea, his fantasy, and in fact he really worked hard and pressured me in to trying it. I didn't want to do it and told him it was a bad idea, but he was so so into it and adamant that he wanted it that I did it, thinking that a good partner should satisfy their partners needs. Admittedly, over the years I grew to enjoy it, and it has just been a part of my life that we both got into and enjoyed together. But now, he is threatening to tell the lawyers that I was unfaithful to him. Since he wasn't with any other women during this time or ever (that I'm aware of), he seems to think he can make it look like I was cheating on him with many other men. He has pictures, videos ad nauseum. But I also have endless texts between he and I where we are talking about this and he is leading the way, encouraging it, getting off on it. But I absolutely do not want it to get to that point, where we are showing this stuff that I thought was private to lawyers? I'm mortified, and then on top of it, what do I tell my daughter one day about why her parents got divorced?

I hope I'm not coming across like I feel like I'm a total victim or I'm whining. I know that I'm responsible for my part in this. I just thought I was being a good wife and I thought it was something that would always stay between he and I. Do you guys think it's right that he's doing this? And does anyone have any ideas as to what I can do? Thank you for reading.

Rae


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hi Rae, I dont think he is right but I also dont understand why you thought having sex with multiple other men was in anyway the right thing to do regardless of what he wanted. Especially letting someone film you. Sometimes saying no is the only right thing, especially when it comes to adultery or other things that are just not going to help the marriage.
To be honest though, it is even relevant when divorces are so easy to get these days? You dont need to prove adultery now so not sure why anything would need to be shown to lawyers. If you have proof that it was his idea then tell him, call his bluff.

As for your daughter will he tell her what you did? Lets hope not.

To be honest, a man who pressures his wife into having multiple affairs while filming them isnt going to be a man with any moral values so none of his actions would surprise me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm curious if some of your flings have been negatively impacting your husband or maybe even after years of satisfying his voyeuristic/cuckold fantasy, his emotions are catching up to him. He wanted a sex puppet/piece of meat to perform for him and that is what you became but being married to a meat puppet didn't satisfy other, far more important needs.

I'm just curious about his reasoning. What changed in you or him?

As for the legal aspect, you have to bite the bullet and keep your evidence safe.

I advise you to talk to a lawyer and lay it out. You will have confidentiality protection with your lawyer and they will be able to best advise you on the need to present your evidence or not.

You cannot control what your husband will do so I think you need to accept he might try to do what he is saying. Is he trying to blackmail you into a better deal in the divorce?

It won't work with your evidence and adultery isn looked at seriously in most places for divorce settlements anyway.

As to your embarrassing social implications, you have to own this. You can decide for yourself how you feel about "hotwife/cuckold" lifestyle and if you regret it or endorse it or anything in between.

If you regret it then walk away from it and never do it again, chalking it up to a poor life decision. You can't put all the blame on your husband because I know many women who would say, not just no, but HELL NO! 

You let yourself be talked into it but you wanted it at least a little to even acquiesce and you obviously got into it and enjoyed yourself to continue for years.

You have to come to terms with the fact you did this as well as your husband and own your part in it.

Now just because you enjoy something, it doesn't mean you have to endorse it. 

You might need counseling to sort your thoughts and feelings about what you have done and I advise it.

You need to know your mind about your actions and hopefully, you won't have to discuss it much in the future if it would embarrass you.

Your daughter will be affected by the divorce regardless and you should do everything legal in your power to protect her.

She might eventually need some answers and you need to prepare yourself for what you will say.

My mother made a lot of destructive and terrible choices sexually when she was younger, she never had a big discussion with me about it but she did apologize more than once and she has been very loving towards her family consistently for decades.

Love covers a multitude of sins. Love your daughter and put her first.

Leave your past behind but you have to own it one way or another.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Bad choice to go along with it. In my book a partner that wants you to screw others is one that does not care for you. You realize your videos are probably already on PornHub for the world to see, including your friends, kids and their friends to see. One of your kids friends some day will be saying, dude that looks like your mom with some other guy, not your dad. He wants to bring out video to atty, you have text and say who do you think was taking the video? The boy that could not satisfy his wife himself so he had to get a man to do it. That ought to shut him up.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*You need a lawyer immediately.* There is really no need - or probably advantage, except in a few states, perhaps - to him trying to bring this up in divorce proceedings. Your lawyer may have grounds to preemptively stop this threat. Anyway, swinging is not cheating, since it was mutually consensual and you have proof of that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

hinterdir said:


> REDACTED BY MODERATOR


Me too but the husband is just as responsible for this mess, maybe even more so, and she is asking for help in good faith here.

She isn't trying to promote their lifestyle at all.

She actually seems ashamed by it.

She didn't ask for our feelings about their choices, she asked for advice on how to maneuver a sticky situation.

From her post, I'm sure she isn't exactly patting herself on the back here and she doesn't need 2x4's upside her head to stop behaving a certain way.

Her husband was as much or more a part of this and is now attempting to betray her trust of him for whatever demented reason he has come up with.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> *You need a lawyer immediately.* There is really no need - or probably advantage, except in a few states, perhaps - to him trying to bring this up in divorce proceedings. Your lawyer may have grounds to preemptively stop this threat. Anyway, swinging is not cheating, since it was mutually consensual and you have proof of that.


He could get in some real trouble if he shares the videos or pictures with anyone since she hasn't given permission.

He doesn't sound very rational.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Rae9 said:


> Hi everyone. Let me just say right off the bat that I'm not sure exactly where to post this, I feel as if my situation is kind of unusual. I apologize if this is in the wrong place! I've come here looking for help/advice, I'm not sure where else to turn.
> 
> My husband and I have recently begun the process of getting a divorce. This is something he wanted, and although I'd rather try to work through our issues and figure it all out, I've agreed to it. We have a daughter and ultimately I just want the relationship to be in a good place for her sake. I would like the divorce to be as drama free as possible (a pipe dream apparently), but it seems as if my husband has other ideas. We are in our early 30s but have been together since sophopmore year of high school, and for all that time he has been a reasonable, caring, considerate person. But something has changed, and he's acting very spiteful and cold. I was also completely thrown off guard, because he is basically trying to blackmail me, which I guess brings me to the point of why I'm posting here.This is honestly very embarrassing, but here it goes...
> 
> ...


This is why swinging situations never ever work out when one partner has to be talked into it.

I believe your husband is using this as a threat but the threat is probably empty. From a normal society point of view this is more embarrassing for him than for you. It won't get him anything extra in the divorce as he was clearly involved and approving/promoting the activities. So there is no upside. 

Check with an attorney on revenge porn laws incase your husband decides to hurt you by posting the videos or pictures on a public platform.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Do you have anything like old emails or texts that would indict him of it being his idea? It doesn't really matter, though, because cheating isn't even a consideration in most divorces in most states. It's beside the point. I have never heard of a settlement going one way or the other due to a partner's unfaithfulness. The only consideration is about the children. The onus is on the woman not to have strange men around her kid after divorce. It's not on the man as much since most child sexual offense, the vast majority, is done by men. So all the court needs to know is that you will not be introducing new men to the kids. I mean, a good rule of thumb is six months or until and unless it gets serious enough to be engaged. 

Aside from all that, it's he said/she said. You can just as easily tell them that this is one big reason you want to divorce him. 

However, being as it's about voyeurism, don't you image there's some videos out there of you somewhere? How about of you and other men?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Rae9 said:


> Hi everyone. Let me just say right off the bat that I'm not sure exactly where to post this, I feel as if my situation is kind of unusual. I apologize if this is in the wrong place! I've come here looking for help/advice, I'm not sure where else to turn.
> 
> My husband and I have recently begun the process of getting a divorce. This is something he wanted, and although I'd rather try to work through our issues and figure it all out, I've agreed to it. We have a daughter and ultimately I just want the relationship to be in a good place for her sake. I would like the divorce to be as drama free as possible (a pipe dream apparently), but it seems as if my husband has other ideas. We are in our early 30s but have been together since sophopmore year of high school, and for all that time he has been a reasonable, caring, considerate person. But something has changed, and he's acting very spiteful and cold. I was also completely thrown off guard, because he is basically trying to blackmail me, which I guess brings me to the point of why I'm posting here.This is honestly very embarrassing, but here it goes...
> 
> ...


I think most states are no fault divorce these days, and even if they aren’t, an affair is just grounds to GET a divorce not give one party more of the ante or make custody decisions. 

I think the judgements are unhelpful. If anything the OP is just not assertive enough to stand up for what she didn’t want to do, and then just continued the status quo. She indicated how humiliated she was to even ask for help about this... give her a break. 

At any rate, please just make sure you have a good lawyer. Maybe a really intimidating male lawyer since your husband doesn’t seem to have a high regard for you, or women possibly. Maybe he will take the “revenge porn and blackmail are illegal so knock it off” a bit more seriously that way? Take steps to protect yourself, I guarantee you they’ve seen worse than anything you say. Get legal help ASAP. Good luck.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

This is a situation where it's necessary to hope for the best, but carefully prepare for the worst. 

If he threatens to tell the court, you refuse to engage and tell him to talk to your lawyer.

He threatens to expose you socially? Tell him you have enough evidence of him being a cuckold and the instigator that, by the time you're done, you'll be the poor abused wife and he'll be a laughingstock pervert. 

He threatens to put pics or videos online? Revenge porn laws exist and you'll prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.

He threatens to tell your child, you tell her the whole story in age appropriate terms first.

This man is clearly unstable, irrational, and a host of other non-flattering descriptives. You need to treat him as the enemy and be ruthless or you'll lose.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You need a lawyer.... not an Internet forum. Black mail and revenge porn laws are in place for a reason.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The lawyers won’t care what you did. It’s a non-fault world. Unless he’s planning on claiming adultery in a fault divorce? I think some states still allow fault divorces citing adultery but it will be tough for him to prove that he didn’t know what was happening. A much bigger concern is what he could do with those pictures and videos online if he’s vindictive. A letter from your lawyer about the consequences might help with that.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I agree, that to this point you are a willing participant. However, the part about exposing video without your consent is beyond your consent.

As an aside, that you are thinking of your daughter's protection NOW and not during the last five years is beyond my way of thinking.

You indulged in destructive behavior with strange men in your home. And do not write back saying that that never happened.

Get your child into therapy as well as yourself. You may think she has not been impacted by this awful situation but she has been.

BTW I, get tested for every STI known.You may have been exposed by being promiscuous.

BTW II, it goes without saying that you need a good lawyer to demand retrieval and destruction of any private videos.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

i have to ask is your husband wanting you to stop having sex
with other men and why?

are you not wanting to close your marriage?

is that the reason why your husband wants a divorce?

as said you have evidence and revenge porn laws on your side. tell
this to your lawyer.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Rae you need to protect yourself.

Get a lawyer ASAP and stop your husband from showing the videos or pics.

It doesn’t matter right now what the two of you did to get here. You need to focus on the here and now. Delete all of the videos you can and get your lawyer to force your husband to delete the ones he has.

With your daughter, just let her know that you and her dad made a mistake and it hurt the marriage. You don’t need to go into details.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I agree you need to get a lawyer. Frankly I don't understand men who want to see their wives with other men. Something is broken in my mind. Unfortunately I think this is just the fallout from a bigger problem and hot wife thing is just a symptom. And there is no way I can believe that for a normal man seeing his wife go and have sex with different men over and over doesn't eventually destroy something him. I think it does to the unhealthy men too even if they perversely enjoy it. I think this was always where it would end up.

Hot wife in my mind isn't about sex but really about power. Think about it, what greater power can you have over someone then to get them to give their body to someone else. I think of it like Pimp my wife, and as far as I can tell that seems to be kind of what the relationship dynamic changes to. The payoff for the husband is really about the power and control he has over his wife. It's insidious in my mind, and I am a pretty live and let live type of person.

I would also warn you that there is probably a good chance that your video's are already online. I think part of the way these guys get off is to show off what they have gotten their wives to do for them. So they share it. Who knows with who, maybe to get other "clients". Not to mention the fact that the guys you were with might also do the same thing.

The other reason I think these guys do it is I think they grow up watching porn, and instead of being turned on by having sex they are turned on by watching others have sex. Something is has gone wrong in their sexual development. They are essentially turning their wives into the porn star the grew up fantasizing about.

This is a very sad story, I am not surprised your husband is acting this way though. Continues to fall into the power dynamic. He is headed down a bad road, and he took you with him, but you did go willingly. You need to get off this road, but I think it's going to be a harder road back then you know. You need to lawyer up and be prepared. You need to get a very good one.

The thing is these kind of choices come with some pretty big risks. It's like extreme sports, sometimes things don't go right and you end up very hurt, it can change your life forever. This kind of works the same way.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

One last thought. You need to tell the lawyer everything from start to finish. I would suggest printing out the emails and text messages were you and your husband discussed you being a hot wife/cuckold husband. Give those to the lawyer you go with.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK here is my tuppence on this:

In swinging situations it is rare that both husband and wife come up with the idea together simultaneously. So the idea of being "talked into it", while it happens, is normally broaching the subject and one normally is the more adventurous of the two. It sounds like he broached the subject sensing that you might enjoy it too and as it turns out he was right. So I am not sure that we can say that he coerced you. You have admitted that you enjoyed it and have not said anything about wanting to stop doing it.

As for threatening to tell the lawyers that you were unfaithful, if he has these videos that you consented to, he may only be threatening to present them as evidence and not expose them to the world so again, I am not sure he would be in trouble if he presents them to the lawyers - they will know if its legal to do so I am sure.

So the real question is, why he would even threaten to do this. Is there something that he has asked for in the divorce which you are not agreeing to? Else it would not make sense to randomly threaten you with telling the lawyers that you were unfaithful. And also, why do you want to fix this marriage? And why does he want out so badly?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Openminded said:


> The lawyers won’t care what you did. It’s a non-fault world. Unless he’s planning on claiming adultery in a fault divorce? I think some states still allow fault divorces citing adultery but it will be tough for him to prove that he didn’t know what was happening.


Oh, it's even better. For purposes of at-fault divorce for Adultery having sex with your adulterous spouse after becoming aware of the adultery legally constitutes forgiveness.

My state is one of the few that still even allow at-fault filings and, as of a few years ago, adultery was taken off the at-fault list. Even IF he can file for at-fault in their state, he continued living with and having sex with Rae. As far as the court is concerned he forgave her and she's no longer "at-fault".


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is a moron. A collaborator can't claim cheating if he was in on it. He probably has a girlfriend and is looking to come out of this as a victim to his family and friends to take the heat off of him. Just let him try to show a video to his lawyer that he recorded and watch him get laughed out of the office. A judge would fall off the bench in hysterics.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Revenge Porn is explicitly illegal in quite a few states. 

He is not only being an ass but downright evil. 

If you don't have a lawyer, get one immediately. 

There are a number of legal issues here. Many states have laws specifically banning the use of any sexually explicit photos/videos/imagery for the use of intimidating, threatening, coercing, shaming etc. It's called Revenge Porn laws although it has more technical names in the legal community. 

What he is doing may be an actual criminal offense. 

And most states are no-fault in which case even if you were cheating, it wouldn't matter in the divorce proceedings. 

And it's just plain stupid on his part to say that he could use that as evidence against you when he is the one taking the pictures. What a dumbass. 

Save any emails, txts, phone logs etc where he is threatening you or trying to intimidate you. I would also advise you keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times and record any threats he makes. 

This isn't just abusive and slimy behavior. It is probably downright illegal. 

See a lawyer immediately. 

Don't be embarrassed or deceptive with your lawyer. This may be earth shaking to you but they deal with this stuff every day. Probably the majority of couples out there have some form of naughty pictures stashed away somewhere. I have a little collection myself but I would never use them against my wife if we were to split.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

1 post, now 3 days later.....


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## CuriousG (Dec 11, 2020)

Rae9,

Let me start by saying that I'm very sorry you're going through this. Separation and divorce are brutal, especially with a child. My ex-wife and I were thankfully able to keep our child in our common goals.

Second, don't let anyone on here or anyone else criticize your sexuality. What you choose to do in your bedroom with your partner or anyone else is your prerogative and nothing to be ashamed of. It always amazes me how other people can be so judgemental and narrow-minded. If couples can enjoy doing whatever they do mutually with respect and love for each other, who cares if it adheres to societal norms. 

Legally, I would suggest a good attorney to protect your interests and that of your child. It is never okay to share images or videos of someone else without their permission. His behavior sounds abusive and coercive. I would definitely suggest you protect yourself however necessary.

Please Stay strong...you will get through this!

CG



Rae9 said:


> Hi everyone. Let me just say right off the bat that I'm not sure exactly where to post this, I feel as if my situation is kind of unusual. I apologize if this is in the wrong place! I've come here looking for help/advice, I'm not sure where else to turn.
> 
> My husband and I have recently begun the process of getting a divorce. This is something he wanted, and although I'd rather try to work through our issues and figure it all out, I've agreed to it. We have a daughter and ultimately I just want the relationship to be in a good place for her sake. I would like the divorce to be as drama free as possible (a pipe dream apparently), but it seems as if my husband has other ideas. We are in our early 30s but have been together since sophopmore year of high school, and for all that time he has been a reasonable, caring, considerate person. But something has changed, and he's acting very spiteful and cold. I was also completely thrown off guard, because he is basically trying to blackmail me, which I guess brings me to the point of why I'm posting here.This is honestly very embarrassing, but here it goes...
> 
> ...


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## CuriousG (Dec 11, 2020)

Rae9 said:


> Hi everyone. Let me just say right off the bat that I'm not sure exactly where to post this, I feel as if my situation is kind of unusual. I apologize if this is in the wrong place! I've come here looking for help/advice, I'm not sure where else to turn.
> 
> My husband and I have recently begun the process of getting a divorce. This is something he wanted, and although I'd rather try to work through our issues and figure it all out, I've agreed to it. We have a daughter and ultimately I just want the relationship to be in a good place for her sake. I would like the divorce to be as drama free as possible (a pipe dream apparently), but it seems as if my husband has other ideas. We are in our early 30s but have been together since sophopmore year of high school, and for all that time he has been a reasonable, caring, considerate person. But something has changed, and he's acting very spiteful and cold. I was also completely thrown off guard, because he is basically trying to blackmail me, which I guess brings me to the point of why I'm posting here.This is honestly very embarrassing, but here it goes...
> 
> ...


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## walkout wife (Mar 1, 2013)

Its called Grooming for a reason. Sadly there are repercussions if you groom a child. An adult is a little bit different.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CuriousG said:


> Rae9,
> 
> Let me start by saying that I'm very sorry you're going through this. Separation and divorce are brutal, especially with a child. My ex-wife and I were thankfully able to keep our child in our common goals.
> 
> ...


I didnt realise actually being faithful to your spouse was 'narrow minded'.

Did you not read the part where she said it was entirely his idea and she was pressured into it? 
'It was ENTIRELY his idea, his fantasy, and in fact he really worked hard and pressured me in to trying it. I didn't want to do it and told him it was a bad idea, but he was so so into it and adamant that he wanted it that I did it, thinking that a good partner should satisfy their partners needs'.


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## CuriousG (Dec 11, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I didnt realise actually being faithful to your spouse was 'narrow minded'.
> 
> Did you not read the part where she said it was entirely his idea and she was pressured into it?
> 'It was ENTIRELY his idea, his fantasy, and in fact he really worked hard and pressured me in to trying it. I didn't want to do it and told him it was a bad idea, but he was so so into it and adamant that he wanted it that I did it, thinking that a good partner should satisfy their partners needs'.



Yup. I read all that. I also read the part where conscious decisions were made as a couple, right, wrong, or indifferent. 

Your tone comes across as judgmental and harsh. I merely suggested compassion and acceptance. It's almost as though you're blaiming a sexual assault victim for a clothing choice or a decision made. 

People in relationships aren't perfect and not everyone ascribes to your views of "faithful". The last thing anyone wants is to feel judged when going through this, which is why she explained the situation upfront and gave a disclaimer. 

I applaud her honesty and her strength. It's not easy to come forward like that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CuriousG said:


> Yup. I read all that. I also read the part where conscious decisions were made as a couple, right, wrong, or indifferent.
> 
> Your tone comes across as judgmental and harsh. I merely suggested compassion and acceptance. It's almost as though you're blaiming a sexual assault victim for a clothing choice or a decision made.
> 
> ...


She wasnt a sexual assault victim, but she was initially pressured into this and sadly went along with it. Faithfulness is when we are faithful to the one we married. Adultery is when we are married and have sex with someone we arent married to. 
I think its sad that she felt she had to do this to please her husband instead of standing up for what she felt was right and is now having to face the consequences.


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## CuriousG (Dec 11, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> She wasnt a sexual assault victim, but she was initially pressured into this and sadly went along with it. Faithfulness is when we are faithful to the one we married. Adultery is when we are married and have sex with someone we arent married to.
> I think its sad that she felt she had to do this to please her husband instead of standing up for what she felt was right and is now having to face the consequences.


Sweet Jesus, I'm well aware that Rae9 not a sexual assault victim. The analogy i made is relevant and applies specifically because of your type of insensitive victim blaming. She's a victim of an abusive husband and your lack of compassion illustrates your heartless fundamentalist views. 

Thank you for your matrimonial and relationship definitions as well. Much appreciated. I'm sure Rae9 will take solace in the fact that you think she is, and i quote, "now having to face the consequences." 

Instead of being critical of her, why not just be supportive and try to give her good advice moving forward? Do us all a favor. Don't ever become a motivational speaker.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CuriousG said:


> Sweet Jesus, I'm well aware that Rae9 not a sexual assault victim. The analogy i made is relevant and applies specifically because of your type of insensitive victim blaming. She's a victim of an abusive husband and your lack of compassion illustrates your heartless fundamentalist views.
> 
> Thank you for your matrimonial and relationship definitions as well. Much appreciated. I'm sure Rae9 will take solace in the fact that you think she is, and i quote, "now having to face the consequences."
> 
> Instead of being critical of her, why not just be supportive and try to give her good advice moving forward? Do us all a favor. Don't ever become a motivational speaker.


I disagree that he is abusive, (although he is a complete jerk,) she did have the choice and she choose to sleep with countless men which she said she came to enjoy. Sadly there are consequences to adultery, and she is now in a mess. 
My advise already given was that the lawyers are unlikely to be interested in the films anyway as divorces are pretty easy to get now and you dont need to prove adultery.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Your husband is a moron. A collaborator can't claim cheating if he was in on it. He probably has a girlfriend and is looking to come out of this as a victim to his family and friends to take the heat off of him. Just let him try to show a video to his lawyer that he recorded and watch him get laughed out of the office. A judge would fall off the bench in hysterics.


They are both morons.


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## CuriousG (Dec 11, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I disagree that he is abusive, (although he is a complete jerk,) she did have the choice and she choose to sleep with countless men which she said she came to enjoy. Sadly there are consequences to adultery, and she is now in a mess.
> My advise already given was that the lawyers are unlikely to be interested in the films anyway as divorces are pretty easy to get now and you dont need to prove adultery.


Yeah, because her husband's coercion through threatened dissemination of her very own nude images and videos isn't abusive. Unbelievable. 
Diana, peace be with you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I disagree that he is abusive, (although he is a complete jerk,) she did have the choice and she choose to sleep with countless men which she said she came to enjoy. Sadly there are consequences to adultery, and she is now in a mess.
> My advise already given was that the lawyers are unlikely to be interested in the films anyway as divorces are pretty easy to get now and you dont need to prove adultery.


CG reminds me of the guy in the video that blows up when the patrol officer gives him a ticket and rips it up and throws it out the window. Then the officer says i will have to cite you for littering and the guy is just loosing his crap and his vehicle is shaking from his ranting. Me thinks he doth protest too much.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I disagree that he is abusive, (although he is a complete jerk,) she did have the choice and she choose to sleep with countless men which she said she came to enjoy. Sadly there are consequences to adultery, and she is now in a mess.
> My advise already given was that the lawyers are unlikely to be interested in the films anyway as divorces are pretty easy to get now and you dont need to prove adultery.


I do believe her H is abusive and even evil as well as an ass. 

First he pressured her into activities she did not want to do. Then when he was done with her and discarding her, he is using the threat of the photos and video footage of those activities as a means of extortion (which may even be illegal)

I think the actual sex stuff is kind of a red herring here. 

The sexual activities are likely not the cause of the marital breakdown. The cause of the marital breakdown is that he is a horrible person.

The sex was a result of him being an ass and pushing her into it.

Yes, she ultimately came to enjoy it as the other men were likely nicer to her and treated her better than her H did. 

The sex stuff is a symptom and not the disease. The sex was the result of him being a crud and the divorce is do to him being a bad person discarding her when he was no longer getting the jollies from her. 

He’s a creep. He is the cause of the sex and cause of the divorce.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

.....now to be fair, even if this was all HER idea and all her doing, she would still say that it was all his idea and that he pressured her into it. 

But even if that was the case him using the footage to blackmail and extort her is still abusive and potentially illegal.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> CG reminds me of the guy in the video that blows up when the patrol officer gives him a ticket and rips it up and throws it out the window. Then the officer says i will have to cite you for littering and the guy is just loosing his crap and his vehicle is shaking from his ranting. Me thinks he doth protest too much.


Yep. Yes I know that video, its crazy but really funny as the traffic cop is SOOO calm.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I do believe her H is abusive and even evil as well as an ass.
> 
> First he pressured her into activities she did not want to do. Then when he was done with her and discarding her, he is using the threat of the photos and video footage of those activities as a means of extortion (which may even be illegal)
> 
> ...


He has acted badly before and he is now(surpise surprise), but she could and should have said no and most women would have. Letting anyone film you having sex is just madness and asking for trouble.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CuriousG said:


> Yeah, because her husband's coercion through threatened dissemination of her very own nude images and videos isn't abusive. Unbelievable.
> Diana, peace be with you.


Never said he wasnt a jerk, but she did sleep with countless men and enjoyed it she said. Also agreed to it being filmed. Most wives would have said no way.


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## CuriousG (Dec 11, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> CG reminds me of the guy in the video that blows up when the patrol officer gives him a ticket and rips it up and throws it out the window. Then the officer says i will have to cite you for littering and the guy is just loosing his crap and his vehicle is shaking from his ranting. Me thinks he doth protest too much.


Sorry, maybe I did protest a little too much on behalf of Rae but I would never argue with a cop.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Rae9 said:


> I hope I'm not coming across like I feel like I'm a total victim or I'm whining. I know that I'm responsible for my part in this. I just thought I was being a good wife and I thought it was something that would always stay between he and I. Do you guys think it's right that he's doing this? And does anyone have any ideas as to what I can do? Thank you for reading.
> 
> Rae


Get an email sent to you or better, a friend, from his computer with a file of you attached and get back with me.


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## Rae9 (Dec 5, 2020)

Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for all the replies here, they have been very helpful and encouraging. I'm sorry I haven't responded for a while, but I have been taking the time to read every single response. I don't feel so alone anymore


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## CuriousG (Dec 11, 2020)

Rae9 said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> Thank you so much for all the replies here, they have been very helpful and encouraging. I'm sorry I haven't responded for a while, but I have been taking the time to read every single response. I don't feel so alone anymore


Hang in there and stay strong. You'll get through this.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Another cautionary tale for why swinging, open marriages and “hotwife” cuckoldry rarely turn out well for either party. The documented failure rate for open marriages is actually very high.


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## Uriel (Oct 31, 2018)

Bottom Line...sorry things have torn you two apart. I will not chime in on as a moral judge.

If this is in the states...the only thing that will be accomplished by bring this into the court room, is making the Lawyer Rich $$$$$, Yours and His, and in the end the judge will rule on state law. He might shake head, even read some of the documents you paid so much to your lawyers to prepare. I do say only some only if pertinent to state law...otherwise he will not give a ****, and he'll tell both parties such. Hopefully it can be kept out of the court room, and you both go fairly your separate ways. If you guys don't break the marriage and stay together put it in a cement bucket in the deepest part of some lake.

Lawyers charge by the 1/10 of a hour. So the more time you and your husband spend in their offices having them prepare doc's...the richer they become (even phone calls).


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