# Has anyone else found an ease with it so quickly.



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

I lovemy soon to be ex don't get me wrong. I still want to be with her. But it has only been two weeks since she dropped the D word, and I am over it. LIke I said there is still some pain to deal with like how she lied to me or how she emotionaly abandoned her children.Yet I have this feeling running through my body. Everything is ok. You willlive through this,you willbethere for the kids. It is her life she is throwing away you keep embracing yours.

I suppose I owe a lot of it to her family yes hers not mine, and to the people at TAM. I have gone from 2weeks ago being the worse day of my life and the only reason not ending it is my 2 wonderful children to her loss and ready to move on. Should it be this easy? Am I deluding myself? I don't think I am. I know I willhave bad days where I will miss her deeply (my daughter isn't going to help with that ) and I know being a recently divorced single father is going to be rough in its own rights, but I suddenly feel free of no longer carrying all the emotional baggage. I may hae to do more things on my own but at the same time I won't be carrying someones baggage who refuses to carry her own.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I can totally relate. In my case, once I made the decision to leave, I felt nothing but a huge sense of relief--your line about being free of someone who refuses to carry her own baggage really hit home with me. That is exactly how it felt. I have never once regretted my decision, and it has been 2 years to the day, I just realized. I feel guilty sometimes b/c he still struggles, but then I remind myself that I cannot fix him, and the relief surges over me again. Maybe someday I will have regrets; none of knows the future. But the relief has been so great that it is hard to think I was "imagining" all of it being as burdensome as it was. I feel saved, somehow. I am so grateful I found the courage. I would not tell my ex that, b/c it was not his "fault" that I chose to bear the burden so long--that was all on me, and my relief is an indicator of how much that burden wore me down. I too have been excited at the possibility of eventually meeting someone, but more excited simply by the sense of self I have regained and the opportunities I can choose without reference to his baggage. Lots of reassurance to your daughter that her mommy is still her mommy and loves her (you don't have to explain exactly what her mommy's love is worth; she'll figure that out for herself one day, and God willing, it will be better than you currently anticipate). Good luck to you; if you are deluding yourself, it will become apparent in time, but you don't need to try to make yourself feel worse. You might want to explore why it has been so easy--maybe you were more unhappy than you were willing or able to acknowledge, for example. Maybe you are just one of those rare individuals who can really say, Hey, I'm a great person and if she doesn't want me, it is her loss. If that's the case, be grateful and enjoy the lightening of your burden.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

That is such a healthy out look you have. I mean I read so much control in what you want and it appears she no longer has the control of "he wants me no matter what" or "he'll always be around" kind of thing. 
In my book it is as pure a 180 as one can have. I mean coming to terms with the whole deal and not looking back but looking forward, your moving on with or with out her and you have it made up in your mind that thats how its going to be.

Granted its a roller coaster ride but when one finds them self out of that limbo and has made a dicision to keep stepping forward and just keep moving in a direction that feels good is awsome man.

I fear that some day your ex will see this better man and want you back. It seems always the case. But to little to late, right?


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Sister the line about my daughter is because she is a splitting image of her mother, my daughter was concieved entirley oput oflove for my wife who after the boy wanted a litttle girl. Everytime I see my daughter I am reminded of that fact. That is what will be hard in regards to her. My boy was a happy accident during the "in love" phase of our marriage. The daughter was concieved out of love though.

As to to little to late.Only time can tell. I know before D is final she has a chance of me picking up at least some of the bags. After D is final she is going to have to pick up all the bags come to me and clean them out with me to my satisfaction. Well I suppose she ahs to do that anyways. Ok how about I shall hope for reconcilliation up unti D is final once its final its final if it happens it happens but it will take more and I am unsure what that more is at the moment.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Nice, this has not been my experience. I'm divorced as of one week ago and nowhere near being "over it." This one is gonna take some serious time cause my heart is really broken in pieces. Everyone is different though. Some folks move on so fast and others, it takes a little longer.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Nice, this has not been my experience. I'm divorced as of one week ago and nowhere near being "over it." This one is gonna take some serious time cause my heart is really broken in pieces. Everyone is different though. Some folks move on so fast and others, it takes a little longer.


I think I told this to LnL When my heart shattered I first attempted to put it all back together and realized why it wasn't working. So I tried again but I took the piece that belongs to her (its amazing you can love someone entirley but it doesn't take your entire heart) put it in a box and rebuilt my heart. Depending on how things turn out I will either throw that box away or will puit that piece back in and deal with the pain involved with fixing us. But if we aren't going to fix us its a moot point. And by fix us I mean deal with the different pain and scars we left on each other. No one else deserves to have to live in her shoes though especialy not my children.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I like the way you think. 

IMO, the person who wanted the divorce usually is over it way before the person who didn't want it is. The one left is still picking up the pieces and trying to hold their world in their hands to stop it from spinning, like a globe that keeps turning and turning and you've got to hold onto it so it doesn't move anymore.

People who wanted the divorce cannot at all relate or understand the experience of the person who did not want it, IMO. It's such a vast difference of feelings/thoughts/pain.

But ... in the end... when it's done, it's done. All you can do is move on. Some heart pain is worse than others...


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

For those why haven't reamystory yet (yes I know you have JB) I just want everyone know I haven't quit on mymarriage yet. I have just prepared myself for it. I am doing all the things to make a better me for myself. If she notices it that is just icing on the cake but if she doesn't then well no big loss.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

just wait and you will see if indeed you are over it, people don't call it "emotional roller coaster" for nothing...

not to be gloomy but just sayin'


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ LOL you're right about that. It is nothing short of a roller coaster ride through hell and back.

I actually saw this ad online promoting some product called "How to get over your divorce in one day." 

That is sick and totally irresponsible that they market something like that. 

Oh and I just wanted to add--I think the partner who wants out who cheats and leaves the marriage for someone else does not start the grieving process until WAY after the person left behind does. Cause they are in La-La Land and in that fantasy world of the affair still so they haven't fallen into reality yet. But I think that is only true in cases where the spouse who wanted the divorce left for someone else. 

The ones who left just cause it wan'st working out for them--I think they deal with it way before the left behind spouse.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Niceguy, you have a great outlook. I'm getting there. Slowly, but surely. At least my kids don't look much like their father. At least I don't see it. I see myself in them, especially my daughter. And so does H as he messaged me on Tuesday saying she looks more and more like me each day. He gets to look at that face forever and remember the pain he caused. 

I've all but given up. I think you have to tell yourself you are over it and let them go and move forward. After all, they detached from us months ago. It's hard to let go of something you committed to and has been your life for so long. I held on this long for my kids and for what we had. But this guy is not the guy I married, and if he's willing to cheat and lie and throw away what we had, then he isn't worth it.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I have days also where I feel I am over it, and then other days I am about as low as low can get. It is an emotional roller coaster and I look forward to my ride being over.

Like you, I also have not given up on my marriage, but I have come to terms that it may not work out like I want it to.
In the end, I will be a better person regardless. I've learned so much about myself in the past 4 months and made some changes that I wanted to make for me, and I don't regret it at all. 
While I hate the circumstances surrounding my wake up call, I am glad it came in when it did because I needed to change a lot of things in my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Once I discovered what had happened, I did a ton of soul searching. He had an affair & I accepted the part I played in that. I knew I did put school & the kids first, but I thought we were on the same page & both making sacrifices to make our lives better. 

He told so many lies, and I lost so much respect for him. Once I knew it was 100% over, it was a relief to get rid of the burden that came with not knowing and fighting. 

I am happier now than I have been in a long time. I am doing the things I like to do. I enjoy the me time. I am sad that he does not spend enough quality time with the children. Thats his fault. The kids were with him last night, they spent the whole time in their room & couldnt wait to get out of there. I just dont get him, its almost like he has them with him just to say he did.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Funny that this thread popped back up. I looked at what I wrote and WOW what a difference a month makes. I'm in a completely different place. I'm happier than I've been in awhile. I do have something missing in my life, but I know I'll be fine without it. I've made peace with the situation, learned from it, and now I'm moving forward.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I agree LNL...I think about how I was when my H first left. Crying, moping, couldn't function. I looked like h*ll and I knew it.
Now...3 months later I feel like a new person. I still have my days, but most of them are good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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