# Blog on infidelity with over a million hits



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The blog (Affair Recovery) is a FAQ for dealing with infidelity. The author, a former cheating husband has done a great deal of research. Is he good in your opinion?

Would it be worthwhile to refer folks to him?


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Seems okay...And definitely better than nothing.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I've seen this before.. it's a very good blog. Truthful.


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

Looks like a good blog for a cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HateThatImHere (Sep 30, 2014)

I cried more than I have in a long time after reading through this. Text book.


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## Mad SAHD (May 4, 2014)

I read a bunch of his posts, and I think it is definitely a worthwhile read. I can see a lot of the issues in my marriage with my WW reflected in his posts. No really earth-shattering revelations for me, but the posts, especially some of his list posts, like lists of most common mistakes made by BS's or WS's while trying to recover from affairs, were spot on, concise, and insightful.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

This man has brilliantly captured in essence the ability to see both parties point of views while simultaneously denounces infidelity and supports marriage.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> I see it on blogs and message boards too — Former (or current) cheaters who absolutely feel justified in what they did or are doing and indicate no remorse. Curiously, they are mostly female cheaters (which is a different subject).


He sees gender differences (see above).

Link


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Read that last link. Rather concise actually.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Here's the mindset:

http://www.shouldidivorcehim.com/*****inBoards/showTopic.aspx?topicId=500

The H needs to change. 

He didn't know he wasn't being ****-tested, it wasn't fair she says, but yet if he'd known and he would have reacted better and she thinks THAT is a cop-out.

Nowhere in here is the word compartmentalization and that her affair was probably draining the life out of her marriage. 

It's her choice. Her needs. His are secondary.

He made the classic 'i forgive you' mistake, reinforcing her stance that it is his fault. Had he divorced immediately, we can all guess her reaction. "You don't want meeee anymore?"

Even to this day, my XW stands by the idea that I was the one who needed to change. She's cheated multiple times in her life. They don't get it, they'll never get it... unless it happens to them.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I have to add that there are some incredibly shallow people in this world. The way they talk about their marriages and their spouses lacks any real sense of the big picture. It seems like they just plod on along, looking for "happiness" in fleeting things. We have one life to live, what is the best way to live it? I think if you live it principally for yourself, then you are missing out on something huge.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

staystrong said:


> I have to add that there are some incredibly shallow people in this world. The way they talk about their marriages and their spouses lacks any real sense of the big picture. It seems like they just plod on along, looking for "happiness" in fleeting things. We have one life to live, what is the best way to live it? I think if you live it principally for yourself, then you are missing out on something huge.



True. One life to live yes, but don't ask me to live through it with you when you have that mindset. I was always told by WS to turn the other cheek, forgive him 70x7, blah, blah, blah and I was expected to do that for the rest of my life like a ferret on a wheel...That's his definition of my happiness, his vision for my future. I wish him and his past/future mates the best.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: Blog on infidelity with over a million hits*



sammy7111 said:


> Looks like a good blog for a cheater.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with this. Imo, he usually takes for granted that the ws is super remorseful and hurt from needs not being met.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

I saw his blog about a year ago. Personally I think the guy is a selfish entitled hypocritical a--hole. 

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2013/05/13/should-you-tell-the-spouse-of-your-spouses-affair-partner-about-the-affair/comment-page-1/

Above is a link to his article against a BS telling the other BS. He dumps on sites (like here) that usually advices a BS to inform the other. 

He had the nerve to say this about some BSs:


> They have no interest in real forgiveness, understanding or compassion. They don’t have the courage, maturity or self-insight to take these steps.


And then late say this:



> *I assure you that if I was the Other Man in this sort of circumstance (and I wasn’t — my ex-OW was single), I would not calmly accept someone informing my wife or coming after me physically or threatening my job.*
> 
> I wasn’t in this situation. My AP was single. But if I was the OM in the scenario and my unknowing wife was informed of my affair, at that point, I would have little to lose, and I would definitely find a way to retaliate. Physically, or through legal means (I might sue you). Or damage you professionally and personally in more indirect and anonymous ways. Or all of the above. I would not meekly accept this type of disclosure. I would probably use any information I had against you. In fact, I would assume that my ex-Affair Partner, despite her many promises to protect me and never betrayed me, probably gave UP damaging information to you about me to save her ass. I would assume that she betrayed me too. And then I might go after your spouse as well as you. I assure you, the outed Married Man or Woman in this scenario almost always has damaging information on his Affair Partner. Compromising stuff. Maybe compromising photos too. If the outed person feels betrayed by their Affair Partner, they may go after them too, if they have nothing to lose. Totally throw THEM under the bus for being thrown under the bus. And thereby really complicate your life. Maybe undo your marital reconciliation under the strain. Consider that too. Will your disclosure have been worth it at this point?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Refuse to be played said:


> I saw his blog about a year ago. Personally I think the guy is a selfish entitled hypocritical a--hole.
> 
> https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2013/05/13/should-you-tell-the-spouse-of-your-spouses-affair-partner-about-the-affair/comment-page-1/
> 
> ...



Yeah, a lot of bravado for someone sleeping with someone else's mate. The BH is totally within his rights to whatever he needs to do (legally) to protect his marriage. 

My guess is that the AP always somewhat feels that "well, if you'd been doing your job right...". The sheer audacity.


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## Recoveringws (Oct 1, 2014)

I had some many hits to my blog today from this site, I had to come here and see what this is all about.

To the last couple of people, shame on you for being completely unfair. Cherry-picking words. Why?

I've never said all betrayed spouses are like that. What I've said is that there are SOME betrayed spouses with attitudes so toxic and negative that they will never forgive their wayward spouse. That their agenda of "justice" is incompatible with "forgiveness." You simply cannot pursue both and then be bewildered that you got divorced anyway. It simply doesn't work. Forgiveness requires compassion. And healing cannot occur without forgiveness. 

Nobody said you have to forgive. Don't!! The point of my blog is mutual understanding. Compassion. As a road to a better marriage in the wake of an affair by one or both. Its a choice. By both parties.

Criticize me if you wish, but please be ACCURATE. Read the blog. I've never said ANYTHING except that affairs are 100% wrong. To suggest that I say anything but that is simply a slander.

I invite people here to read my blog entries for themselves and make up their own minds. I certainly don't require anyone to agree with me, but I think I'm fair. I've never tried to excuse anyone who has cheated, not even myself. I just tried to take a negative and turn it into a positive by doing this blog and keeping it going (although i no longer add new posts to it). Its part of my own healing and personal penance.

Reject it if you wish, but at least portray the blog accurately.

as far as that other cherry-picked quote? Let's be clear on where that came from too.

A blog that talks about the pro's and cons of informing the spouse of your cheating spouse's affair partner. That there could be very unpredictable consequences if you do so. Again, you can disagree if you wish, but I was merely laying out the ethics and pro's and cons of doing so. Quoting one part of one paragraph from it does not actually portray the point of the blog entry.

And no, I never put down THIS site, but there ARE sites that are dominated by Betrayed Spouses, that cheaters are shouted down, censored or removed, as is anyone who has an alternative point of view to the moderators. Personally I don't see sites like those as being helpful IF one wants to actually heal from infidelity.

You can be mad. You can divorce your cheating spouse. You can do whatever you wish. Its not skin off my nose. But if you DO want to not only heal from infidelity, and THRIVE, I think I provide some thoughts on how BOTH parties can go about that.

I'm not here to get into a debate at all. I'm actually very HAPPY that this site has provided so much entry into the blog. Like it. Don't like it. But please if you're going to criticize it or me, at least be accurate. Thanks.

Bye


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Hello,.,hello.. hello.. hello...

Echo, echo.. echo.. echo..

Drip drip drip drip...


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Cherry picked or not this is all I need to read:


Supposedly From Recoveringws

Quote:
"I assure you that if I was the Other Man in this sort of circumstance (and I wasn’t — my ex-OW was single), I would not calmly accept someone informing my wife or coming after me physically or threatening my job.

I wasn’t in this situation. My AP was single. But if I was the OM in the scenario and my unknowing wife was informed of my affair, at that point, I would have little to lose, and I would definitely find a way to retaliate. Physically, or through legal means (I might sue you). Or damage you professionally and personally in more indirect and anonymous ways. Or all of the above. I would not meekly accept this type of disclosure. I would probably use any information I had against you. In fact, I would assume that my ex-Affair Partner, despite her many promises to protect me and never betrayed me, probably gave UP damaging information to you about me to save her ass. I would assume that she betrayed me too. And then I might go after your spouse as well as you. I assure you, the outed Married Man or Woman in this scenario almost always has damaging information on his Affair Partner. Compromising stuff. Maybe compromising photos too. If the outed person feels betrayed by their Affair Partner, they may go after them too, if they have nothing to lose. Totally throw THEM under the bus for being thrown under the bus. And thereby really complicate your life. Maybe undo your marital reconciliation under the strain. Consider that too. Will your disclosure have been worth it at this point?"


*You see most BS feel they have probably already lost most everything so have even less to loose then the AP... That makes them very dangerous*

extremely dangerous in some cases


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Exposure simply hates the light of day. Probably would have stopped it in its tracks. Now we know how it wakes that WS up. Truth hurts affairs. Spouses absolutely deserve to know about their WS.


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## Recoveringws (Oct 1, 2014)

I suggest the readers read the whole blog entry.

Disclosing the Affair to the Spouse of Your Spouse’s Affair Partner | Affair Resources and Advice

I was merely saying that if I had been in that situation -- that the spouse of my affair partner had ratted me to my spouse (and I wasn't in that situation), I probably would've gone back at them with any way I could. As an example of what MIGHT happen if you do tattle. That you might get hurt back. Is it worth it? That's all. Again, I was not in that situation. It was a hypothetical. Read the entry. Again. Agree or don't agree, but hopefully it will make some people think.

Obviously the person here has a personal agenda and bitterness and I'm an easy target, although an inappropriate one (I didn't cheat on you). So be it.

*shrugs*

peace.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Q tip said:


> Exposure simply hates the light of day. Probably would have stopped it in its tracks. Now we know how it wakes that WS up. Truth hurts affairs. Spouses absolutely deserve to know about their WS.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Recoveringws said:


> I suggest the readers read the whole blog entry.
> 
> Disclosing the Affair to the Spouse of Your Spouse’s Affair Partner | Affair Resources and Advice
> 
> ...


Hypothetically, your childish acts of revenge will invariably involve the law/legal action. Then your actions will be public record for all to see in toxic detail about your affair along with possible jail time. The discovery process and all the details of what you've done would be enlightening. You know, sworn depositions of all involved...

Your counter-suit. Sure, sue for definition of character.
End hypothetical.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I suggest readers read this first




convert said:


> Cherry picked or not this is all I need to read:
> 
> 
> Supposedly From Recoveringws
> ...


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Recoveringws said:


> I suggest the readers read the whole blog entry.
> 
> Disclosing the Affair to the Spouse of Your Spouse’s Affair Partner | Affair Resources and Advice
> 
> ...



You have to understand some BS our suicidal or homicidal or both and not in that order.

I confronted OM and if he had arrogant attitude well I can't say what would have happened


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Recoveringws said:


> I've never said all betrayed spouses are like that. *What I've said is that there are SOME betrayed spouses with attitudes so toxic and negative that they will never forgive their wayward spouse.* That their agenda of "justice" is incompatible with "forgiveness." You simply cannot pursue both and then be bewildered that you got divorced anyway. It simply doesn't work. Forgiveness requires compassion. And healing cannot occur without forgiveness.


Why label not granting forgiveness as toxic and negative?

There are lots of reasons to not grant it to someone who through their negativity and toxicity has violated their spouse's emotional well being, physical health, and feelings of being loved?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

michzz said:


> Why label not granting forgiveness as toxic and negative?
> 
> There are lots of reasons to not grant it to someone who through their negativity and toxicity has violated their spouse's emotional well being, physical health, and feelings of being loved?


Could it be the reaction of entitled or narcissistic personalities? I, me, mine... How dare you not forgive me. That's just not right... This is all about me. Your feelings aren't up for a vote.

A BS is free to forgive, then bail. Their choice.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> The blog (Affair Recovery) is a FAQ for dealing with infidelity. The author, a former cheating husband has done a great deal of research. Is he good in your opinion?
> 
> Would it be worthwhile to refer folks to him?


Yes, I do think that. I don't agree with everything he wrote and I don't expect anyone to agree with everything he wrote. But he writes with honesty and reality and I think that anyone, WS, BS, bystanders, or whatever could profit from reading this.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Q tip said:


> Exposure simply hates the light of day. Probably would have stopped it in its tracks. Now we know how it wakes that WS up. Truth hurts affairs. Spouses absolutely deserve to know about their WS.


My view is that one cannot take responsibility for the entire world or even a small part of it. The BS is trying to fix THEIR world. Sometimes exposure to the other person's spouse will help the BS in their quest. Sometimes it will not. It is almost certain to hurt a number of other people whose situation the BS cannot possibly know.

Thus I feel that the can be no hard and fast rule on this.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Recoveringws said:


> I had some many hits to my blog today from this site, I had to come here and see what this is all about.
> 
> To the last couple of people, shame on you for being completely unfair. Cherry-picking words. Why?
> 
> ...



RecoveringWS,

Glad that you got hits. Your site is quite well reasoned. You're a good writer.

Do you read ChumpLady?

Could you make a living as a therapist now? Have you been tempted to try?

What does your wife think about your guru status?

(I am the one who started this thread by the way.)


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> My view is that one cannot take responsibility for the entire world or even a small part of it. The BS is trying to fix THEIR world. Sometimes exposure to the other person's spouse will help the BS in their quest. Sometimes it will not. It is almost certain to hurt a number of other people whose situation the BS cannot possibly know.
> 
> Thus I feel that the can be no hard and fast rule on this.


Whoa...

BS has every right to know. From any source. Selective notification don't cut it. BS should know... Full stop.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

RecoveringNews,

I think your latest blog post said you were checking out. That's unfortunate, but you did a good service though your blog and outreach. Not everyone will agree with what you said, of course. 

I'm sure you realize many people are dealing with trauma of being betrayed, often by remorseless cheaters who justify and shift blame relentlessly. That's a lot of what we see here, and those BS's need protection from that kind of abuse. Reading your site may be a trigger for some of those people, especially in the early stages of R or D. 

It doesn't seem you like the message boards all that much. That's unfortunate, having a variety of voices is good.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I got a PM from him in which he said:



> And thanks to the board. I had the biggest single viewing day in the history of the blog. 7,100 views. The previous highest day was 5,800.


I suspect this reflects the reality. All the country music songs about cheating are on to an eternal subject of interest to the general public.

One of the most important things in his blog is the idea that maybe confession of infidelity is not always wise. Tears' confession, was it for the best? And the Spanish lady?


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

just a reminder:




convert said:


> Cherry picked or not this is all I need to read:
> 
> 
> Supposedly From Recoveringws
> ...



The only thing worse then a wayward spouse who is un-remorseful is OM/OW with a [email protected] attitude with a rub in you face tactic is not going to be good for anybody


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I really don't think I have to read a jillion pages of your blog to quote a sentence you wrote here on TAM without you labeling it cherry-picking slander to do so.




michzz said:


> Why label not granting forgiveness as toxic and negative?
> 
> There are lots of reasons to not grant it to someone who through their negativity and toxicity has violated their spouse's emotional well being, physical health, and feelings of being loved?






Recoveringws said:


> I've never said all betrayed spouses are like that. *What I've said is that there are SOME betrayed spouses with attitudes so toxic and negative that they will never forgive their wayward spouse.* That their agenda of "justice" is incompatible with "forgiveness." You simply cannot pursue both and then be bewildered that you got divorced anyway. It simply doesn't work. Forgiveness requires compassion. And healing cannot occur without forgiveness.





Recoveringws said:


> To the last couple of people, shame on you for being completely unfair. Cherry-picking words. Why?
> 
> I've never said all betrayed spouses are like that. What I've said is that there are SOME betrayed spouses with attitudes so toxic and negative that they will never forgive their wayward spouse. That their agenda of "justice" is incompatible with "forgiveness." You simply cannot pursue both and then be bewildered that you got divorced anyway. It simply doesn't work. Forgiveness requires compassion. And healing cannot occur without forgiveness.
> 
> ...


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I only wish my xw's AP had been married. Then I would have went to their home and told her right away. Then maybe the POSOM would of tried to confront me, I really would have liked that! Instead he hid in his house, like the ***** he is, and I have yet to see him at all in the last three years. To think that as my wifes AP I should leave you alone, friend of twenty years, you are entirely wrong, for I wish to START with you.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Just look at the language he uses: "ratting out," "tattle." This guy hasn't emotionally developed beyond about 14 years -- which fits his actions, obviously. His essay epitomizes the bluster of the typical internet tough guy.

Then he has the nerve to use the phrase "courage to forgive," relaying his belief in how a BS should behave. I wonder where all that high character was parked while he was porking his adultery partner? Do I really need a lesson in courage from one who was too cowardly to face the issues in his own marriage? Not likely.

I've found that social media, like the subject blog, has really exposed the population in general as even more clueless, depraved, and self-absorbed than even I had imagined. And that's saying a lot.

A helluva lot . . .


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

I have noticed that the CWI forum has more people on at the same time than any internet forum I have ever been a member of. There are a lot of people getting betrayed by the ones they love out there. Pretty sad actually.


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