# I'm sorry!!!



## Naz

Hi there!!!

I'm married for almost 10 years, and love my wife and our little 7 month old daughter dearly. I'm crazy about them. They're my world!!! 

I don't know how to start though, but things are really bad right now.

I'm a porn addict, and a pervert. It started a while back, so that just makes things so much worse.

I got addicted to porn as a child, and maybe that's why I always found it normal (I'm wrong), so when my wife found out what I was doing shortly after marriage ... I figured she was being harsh ... and started viewing in secrecy.

She found out, was hurt ... we talked ... but I always felt that it was no big deal and thus it became a cycle. A horrid cycle that just wont stop.

Then I had to leave ... due to work.

We started getting intimate online. She joined me more than 6 months later. But during her absence, I got caught up in fantasy ... and when we were finally together ... I was still in this mode ... and haven't snapped out.

After all that fantasizing ... she arrived and had great expectations. But those months in a hostile environment left me stressed ... a dead duck ... and dreaded intimacy ... for the fear of falling short ...

I rejected advances, confusing her. I turned to porn ... it got worse ... and the cycle always went on ... hurting her more each time. 

Ending up in perverse behavior. Thing is ... I felt that as it was fantasy ... an as long as she didn't know ... it wouldn't hurt.

When she found out, I couldn't believe how much I had hurt her. She gave me an ultimatum to see a Doc. Which I did.

It was good, we decided to get pregnant.

But things were not good ... I got stressed due to financial issues ... and went back to my bad old ways.

She found out, and was devastated! IS devastated!!!

Now our little baby girl is here, and she says that she doesn't love me anymore.

And I'm awfully sorry ... but that word just seems so small ... and I don't know what to do ...

My lies and deceit cost me. It hurts knowing what that my actions, makes her feel so bad. I cause so much pain ... and regret that ... I regret it each and every passing minute of the day ...

I am sorry, and want to make things good. I want to make them both as happy, as they make me ...

I'm sorry!!! I don't know what to do!!!


----------



## freeshias4me

Let her read this. It's a wonderful apology.


----------



## justean

r u a pervert, just in the sense you like porn - or does the pervert bit go deeper. because if your a porn addict - i dont see it in that sense as your a pervert.
i love watching porn with and without my hubby - so am i a pervert.my answer has to be no. but im not an addict. 
the trouble with the fantasy , its not the real world and like you say when your actually comfronted with it in the flesh u back of.
when my hubby and i split. i knew a bloke through a friend and we had txt sex. god it was fantastic. and yes i had fantasy fun.
but when i saw him again, despite all we said. the thought of doing the actual event with him was well a "no, no thankyou".
i do feel for you. your addiction is not an easy one. but neither is giving up smoking or being an alcoholic.
you have already started the process of giving in to your addiction, you admit it. you are a porn addict. well done.
i personally can put up with n e thing in moderation. but its to much to cope with for the person who doesnt have the addiction, if n e thing taken in excess.
keep the communication channels open with you wife.
but either way you really do need to atleast change yourself and reduce your addiction to a satisfactory level, that could be enjoyed by both of you.


----------



## Blanca

I'm guessing that because you specifically separated the porn addiction from your 'perverted' addiction that you have gotten into something that you need some serious counseling for. Unfortunately porn can become a 'gate-way' drug for more serious offenses. I do not think your wives love is the most pressing matter. You need to get help.


----------



## Mrs. Negestie

I think that because you are here on this site expressing your true inner feelings that you are indeed looking for a new way and I do also belive that you should let her read your words that you have wrote down GOOD Luck!


----------



## anotheryear

That is so hard! I feel for both of you. We did have some success with a teenage son using hypnotherapy. You might try that if you can find a good therapist.


----------



## draconis

freeshias4me said:


> Let her read this. It's a wonderful apology.



:iagree:

draconis


----------



## Naz

Hi guys!!!

Sorry for not getting back any sooner ... just been working hard.

My perverted behavior is a separate issue.

I removed all respect, trust and sensitivity from the most important relationship in my life ... the one with my wife.

I've found out what that does and what it leads to ... and I feel the the results thereof ... it's hard when nobody believes in you ... but that's the result my own doing.

I've learned about the costs involved ... in terms of pain.

I have to be a better person, especially through tough times.

That's when we're supposed to be there for the ones we love, not when we let them down.

That's the time when we have to be most grateful, and have to remember why so ... and not to go off in some direction in which there is simply just no good.

I love my wife and daughter, I love my girls ... and will just have to take it as it comes now ... and keep on loving them.

I feel prepared ... much better prepared for whatever lies ahead.

I know what has to be done, and I'm willing to see it through ...

... and that's partly thanks ... to each and every single one ... of you!!!

All the best!!!


----------



## nicole_walace

I think you have already taken the first step to fixing the problem and that is you admited it! Congrats you are well on your way. The next step is to try and prevent the problem. Get rid of all the porn you have. If you are looking it up online then put a porn block on your computer and let your wife be the only one that knows the password. This will be a short term fix though. Once you have those things in place start working on finding out what makes you want to watch porn. Is it just the suspense that it is not your wife and you have the adrenaline of keeping something secret from her, or is it your love for watching sex. Maybe even both. Once you have realized what makes you addicted to porn. You can start to think of things on your own that would make you want to stop. You could super glue a picture of your wife and daughter to your computer and tv. That way everytime you look at the screen you would see what you are hurting and hopefully realize they are more important. As far as your wife saying she doesn't love you anymore, you need to work on making her fall in love with you all over again. Do nice things for her and make her feel like she is an important part of your life.


----------



## Naz

Hello there everybody!!!

I gave it all ... but it was too late.

She gave me shot at trying to make things work, although she acknowledged them ... she was brave enough to let me know that they had no impact.

I've lost her and my daughter (Sara's 1st birthday today), and it's all my own fault.

I don't know if I have any will to live anymore ...

Guys appreciate, your better halves.

Naz


----------



## draconis

DOn't do anything foolish, your daughter still needs you.

draconis


----------



## Amplexor

Take care of yourself and things will get better. This behavior has cost you dearly. Remember your pain in this the next time you are tempted. Use this unfortunate experience to make you a better man in the end.


----------



## Naz

Yeah my behaviour cost me everything.

The thing is, that I feel unable to focus. I don't get headaches, and have been healthy ... but now I feel heavy in the head ... and physically weak.

It's Sara's 1st birthday ... for her mom to be happy ... I have to be gone.

Her grandparents were over earlier, the nanny is there ... and I'm so close to tears that I can hardly look my little daughter in the eye.

Could hardly sing happy birthday. I didn't do it right ... it's her day.

I have to work, but have no focus. Haven't been off sick from 98.

10 days vacation a year between 01-06 ... 5 summer 5 winter.

None for more than a year ... just a working guys ... will be to the day I die.

Hand my salary over to my wife, when I get home.

Don't smoke ... no alcohol ... no drugs ... but me and porn

I'm mulling ... sulking ... avoiding people ... but I'm the guy who always saw the brighter side of things ... because I had another shot with a wonderful woman.

My smiles gone. There is weired look on face ... there is something different in my eyes. I'm always joking at work.

But since yesterday, I'm ready to cry. I have cried ... have been crying. Woke up ready cry.

Been told that I'm loser for crying ... been told be a man for begging.

But that doesn't hurt ... losing my wife and daughter hurts.

Guys feel fury when they hear those words ... be a real man/you're a loser ... but I feel nothing ...

'I'll always love you. Forever' is what I say.

'If you ever think about changing your mind ... I'll be here.'

'There'll never be another ...'

'Please ...' ... never used that word so much. 

I love her, I love them both so much ... but they'll never be happy around me.

I know that I have to shake my head, take a breath ... dig in ... be sharp ... be dutyful ...

But there's just no will ... there's no focus ... no spark ... 

I can't now ...

I'm rambling ... I'm fumbling ... I'm here ... and I'm not.

If I can work ... I'll be good.


----------



## voivod

okay, get yourself into anger management if you haven't done so yet. go, and keep going. porn, i don't know, get away from it. anything that feels like it. online erotic chat, all of it. pray to God for a miracle soften of your wifes heart. stay active as you can. upbeat, smiling attitude around her and you daughter ALL THE TIME. you will improve as a human. your relationship is not over til it's over. let me explain.

your wife has changed her mind once. think about this...she did say words to this effect when you got married: "for better, worse, richer, poorer...til death do you part." right? well she changed her mind, she decided it's not "til death." so now you have to do ALL the right things until she (hopefully) changes her mind. you guys are young, right. relationships in youth go through HUGE peaks and valleys. so maybe this is one of those valleys.

good luck.


----------



## Naz

Hi Vovoid,

'Guys feel fury when they hear those words ... be a real man /you're a loser ... but I feel nothing ...'

Thankfully I was not angry at what she said. I do know that I am responsible. She merely said those things due the fact that I put her into that situation ... she had to respond in the manner she did.

I was crazy a little earlier. I lost track. I thought about myself again... was being a selfish self pitying idiot.

I suppose I'm in for an emotional maze. 

Perhaps I shouldn't hope for a miracle ... afterall my miracle would be her nightmare.

I just have to find a way to avoid the the self pity trap ... and keep working ... 

I guess that I will have to learn to think about what is best for them and guard against feeling sorry for myself.

It isn't fair of me to through my 'I love you.!' , in her face. If I really do ... I'll have to keep it inside.


----------



## Naz

Hello again!

When I got home from work, I kept myself together and everything went well.

We played with Sara, sang for her, danced with her. Didn't hold back, had no hidden agenda ... it was all about our little girl.

And it was good.

It's all clearer, now that the wave of manic panic has passed ... I'll cope.

Sorry about losing it folks. I got it!!!

Many thanks!!!

Naz


----------



## dynamite101

I talked to my family DR about my problems and my own addictions. I was diagnosed with long term Depression and my vice (Warcraft) became a form of self medication as I could live the life I wanted with no risk of failure or ridicule.. Im on anti depressents and for the first time in many many many years I have some clarity. I wouldnt doubt there is more to this puzzle then just an Addiction to porn. You may find your addiction is a result of something else easily treatable.

Im getting help and I feel alot better about alot of things in my life, my wife is still seperated from me, and she doesnt want me back... But The things I can control I am.. My son, My life, My work....

Keep fighting the battle.. and dont fall back to your addiction.. Confront it..


----------



## voivod

Naz said:


> We played with Sara, sang for her, danced with her. Didn't hold back, had no hidden agenda ... it was all about our little girl.
> 
> And it was good.


sang for her, danced with her. your daughter will always have that, as will your wife. ask the mom's here. there's nothing like being a great dad to indicate being a "man." way to go Naz!


----------



## GAsoccerman

Naz, please tell us a little about your Porn addiction.

How often to do view porn? how many hours per day? How long can you go with out it? 

What is your preversion? what makes you a pervert? I've seen it all so nothing is shocking.

Is your wife religious? what kind of family up bringing did she have?

Have you gone back to counseling?Have you asked your wife to join you?


----------



## Naz

Hi guys!!!

As you guys can see, I am spending less time online. I don't want to shift from one addiction to another.

GAsoccerman, thanks for posting.

I am not getting any counseling. This is due to our financial circumstances right now. This is quite frustrating ... but money talks and ... we all know the rest.

As far as time spent on porn ... I would have to say that whatever amount of time was available ... a few minutes to few hours ... daily ... to every other day or so. It was all about opportunity.

I knew that I had to get out of it and that was when I started posting here. I knew that she was serious, and I knew that I had hurt and betrayed her trust.

That was why I started posting here. I did not starting posting here to get her attention. I knew I had to quit, and due to the fact that I could not take counseling I needed an alternative ... and this place is it. 

The folks here have been great ... and I appreciate their time ... their help and sincerity.

I mentioned that I had to get out ... and I did. I hardly ever use the computer. When I do ... my wife is in bed ... with Sara ... and after posting off a emails etc. ... I head on off to my own little corner ... the guest room.

I really appreciate the fact that you're prepared to listen to what I have to say about my perverted behaviour. 

The thing is ... I am not really comfortable about mentioning it here. I embarrassed. I don't know how could ... can't justify it and because it was wrong of me. I loath myself. 

I hate what my behaviour has put my wife through ... 

I did not commit a crime of any sort. No other person was involved ...

It is to do with objects.

I had no intention of hurting my wife. But I got it wrong ... and I hurt her tremendously. I disappointed her. I have made my self an embarrassment to her through ... my own actions.

I blew it ... and now ... how on earth could I expect her ... to respect me? To love me?

I love her so much ... no words could ever express that.

Since posting here. No porn. No cursing. 95% improvement in terms of driving ... like speed, impatience and complaining etc. 

Massaged her regularly. Wrote e-mails to her ... wrote poems for her ... found poems and posted them off to her ... got chocolates ... did it all because she is worth every effort.

But it hasn't quite cut it.

You see when I touch her ... I make her feel ... sick. She was crying one day ... she told me that my hugs used to feel so good ... but since I did this to us ... she counts every second hoping to get out ... and that she hates me for causing that.

That's what I did to my love ... and this is why I really don't like myself anymore. How could I? How could anyone? 

She does not regard herself as religious. Morals and family values are extremely important to her. She was raised in home environment where folks have never cursed. Never.

Her folks are angels ... her brother is too ... and me ... I guess I am a little more than the odd man out.

But I will never stop loving her ... I am so sorry ... and I do regret everything ... and live this every moment of the day.

I got to read some of voivod posts ... got to take my hat off to you dude ... 

Dynamite 101, you too ... well done bud ... you're right about the therapy/ counseling/treatment thing ... I am an addict ... and although it controlled ... I realise that I could substitute that dependency.

But I really just don't have the resources for that right now. All I got is from my heart ... and my sincerity.

Appreciate you guys!!!

Naz


----------

