# co-worker must go through hell



## ad4517 (Aug 17, 2019)

i drive milk tanker for a living. on occasion i sometimes have to show someone my farm route. i had the pleasure of having a guy named chad ride with me. we had a conversation and his life is really sad. he has two kids with his wife. he said everything was fine in the marriage and as well with the sex. after being married 7 years he gets a letter in the mail..... saying that he has another son he never knew about. he had sexual intercourse with another woman before marriage, allot of people do. his wife treats it as if he cheated on him. what had happened was the woman he had sex with, and got pregnant never sought a DNA test. his ex lover got in trouble with drugs and alcohol and the DNA test was done at that point. he tried to take his son into his home, and his son attempted to kill his daughter (with his wife). i tried everything to rectify the situation but his son ended up living with his sister. anyways this really his screwed up marriage. he has been married to this woman who he has tried desperately to fix things and reason with her. she refuses to have any sexual relationship with him, and claims he had a child outside of marriage. i told him that's total B.S. he had a child BEFORE marriage with another woman. i told him he needs to go to marriage consoling, she refuses. then his wife is a rotten, selfish [email protected]#$% and he should end the marriage. he says he has already had to pay child support on his unknown son (he has to pay it to his sister) and he does not want his wife to clean him out financially, its unfortunate but that is exactly the way the state treats men. she has not been an acceptable wife, he should be able to walk away and she should get nothing..... they should get full joint custody and SHARE child expenses..... NOT this B.S. where woman receive more money then what is required to spend on raising the child giving her left-overs to spend on herself. i told himself to find some side lover off of tinder or something. after all of this he still wont cheat on her. no way would i go a lifetime not having sex with a woman.

he says his wife's co-workers agree with her. i said they are all as nutty and wacked in the head as she is. i asked my wife if a similar situation occurred in our marriage, im telling you it is impossible but in theory (ive been with my wife almost 20 years she's only the 2nd woman that i ever had PIV with)..... my wife says the whole thing is ridiculous, his wife is selfish, and chad deserves better.

i agree 100% and find his wife to be a nasty rotten person to be married to..... i feel bad for this guy, seems like a nice person. she is NOT.

he has gone 8 years without sex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I can fully understand his wife's reaction, after all it seems that after they had to suddenly take him into their home the son tried to KILL their daughter, what do you expect????? Good grief. Would you want your child to have contact with a person who has tried to kill them??? He should be in jail. As for her getting support, they have children together so of course he should pay support. 

You advise to find someone to have sex with off tinder is appalling. They are still married.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ad4517 said:


> Snip....she refuses to have any sexual relationship with him, and claims he had a child outside of marriage. i told him that's total B.S. he had a child BEFORE marriage with another woman. i told him he needs to go to marriage consoling, she refuses. then his wife is a rotten, selfish [email protected]#$% and he should end the marriage. he says he has already had to pay child support on his unknown son (he has to pay it to his sister) and he does not want his wife to clean him out financially, its unfortunate but that is exactly the way the state treats men. she has not been an acceptable wife, he should be able to walk away and she should get nothing..... they should get full joint custody and SHARE child expenses..... NOT this B.S. where woman receive more money then what is required to spend on raising the child giving her left-overs to spend on herself.
> 
> Snip....i agree 100% and find his wife to be a nasty rotten person to be married to..... i feel bad for this guy, seems like a nice person. she is NOT.
> 
> he has gone 8 years without sex.


I have to disagree with you that his wife is a "nasty rotten person" or a "selfish *****" and that she is "not an acceptable wife". She allowed Chad to bring his newly found son into her home to be a part of their family. She also didn't bring criminal charges against the son after he tried killing their daughter. That is admirable imho. 

Chad can absolutely choose to divorce his wife if the relationship is sexless but he has to grow a spine and accept there are repercussions to divorce, especially if he's enjoyed the benefits of having a stay at home wife for the duration of the marriage.

I also have to disagree with your point about child support being unfair. Child support in the United States is given to the lower income parent so they can maintain the child's lifestyle equitably to the higher income earner. It's typically based on a standard formula. Every state has one and it takes into account the incomes of BOTH parents. The lower income parent will be given a percentage of the difference between incomes based on custodial time. So even in a joint custody situation, the higher earning parent will be paying child support to the lower income parent. 



> i told himself to find some side lover off of tinder or something. after all of this he still wont cheat on her. no way would i go a lifetime not having sex with a woman.


This is horrible advice and the fact that your friend turned it down says he's a man of good character unlike you. You sound like a cake eater. 

There is a price to everything in life. Your friend needs to figure out if his money is more valuable than the possibility of enjoying sex again.


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## ad4517 (Aug 17, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I can fully understand his wife's reaction, after all it seems that after they had to suddenly take him into their home the son tried to KILL their daughter, what do you expect????? Good grief. Would you want your child to have contact with a person who has tried to kill them??? He should be in jail. As for her getting support, they have children together so of course he should pay support.
> 
> You advise to find someone to have sex with off tinder is appalling. They are still married.


8 years she has with-held sex from him? that's acceptable? he cant be blamed for what happened prior to the marriage. if the marriage ends of course he should pay for what is required to raise the child, but the system is very much broken. woman receive far more then the child needs require and then the woman is going out on the town on the man's dime. my friend does not suggest his mentally broken son live with them.

the issue is here that his wife is a selfish rotten woman and he is forced to be with her because he doesn't want his entire paycheck to vanish in garnishments.

i think a woman is obligated to please their man, and visa versa...... i would NEVER with-hold sex from my wife. the only exception should be health issues.


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## ad4517 (Aug 17, 2019)

it was not a child outside of marriage, it is a child BEFORE marriage. in my mind that's a HUGE difference. you CANNOT reasonably hold someone accountable for a sexual encounter before marriage. this woman has no value in her marriage.

people have lives with other people before they get married. if she wont put out she deserves her fate. he said they had a quality marriage before all of this.

im surprised he is able to put up with this selfish woman. if my wife did that to me without having a medical reason, im out


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Someone you just met tells you a story like this and you believe everything? There’s another side here that’s obviously missing....


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## ad4517 (Aug 17, 2019)

i've never cheated on my wife, but we have always maintained a fairly healthy sex life, one that will continue so long as we are both healthy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ad4517 said:


> it was not a child outside of marriage, it is a child BEFORE marriage. in my mind that's a HUGE difference. you CANNOT reasonably hold someone accountable for a sexual encounter before marriage. this woman has no value in her marriage.
> 
> people have lives with other people before they get married. if she wont put out she deserves her fate. he said they had a quality marriage before all of this.
> 
> im surprised he is able to put up with this selfish woman. if my wife did that to me without having a medical reason, im out


yet despite the shock of finding out that her husband has a child they knew nothing about, she allowed him into her home(many women wouldn't have done that) where he repayed her by trying to KILL HER DAUGHTER. You seem to be glossing over this most serious crime for which he should be in jail. No wonder she doesn't want him around, would you? He is clearly violent and a real danger. 

The lack of sex is a separate issue, and none of us knows why that is the case. There may be other issues in the marriage that have caused that.


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## ad4517 (Aug 17, 2019)

he kicked his son out of the house when that happened.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ad4517 said:


> i've never cheated on my wife, but we have always maintained a fairly healthy sex life, one that will continue so long as we are both healthy.


 Its wrong to cheat if you are married no matter what.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ad4517 said:


> it was not a child outside of marriage, it is a child BEFORE marriage. in my mind that's a HUGE difference. you CANNOT reasonably hold someone accountable for a sexual encounter before marriage. this woman has no value in her marriage.
> 
> people have lives with other people before they get married. if she wont put out she deserves her fate. he said they had a quality marriage before all of this.


Sexless marriages happen all of the time for all kinds of reasons. The reasons are only important when two people are trying to work it out. That's it. 

You may not find any value with Chad's wife because she's not putting out but obviously Chad sees something to her (other than sex) or he would have left. She may be an excellent mother, financial support, housekeeper, etc. Attributes he appreciates. 



> im surprised he is able to put up with this selfish woman.* if my wife did that to me without having a medical reason, im out*


As well you should be out. No one is arguing with you that Chad shouldn't divorce this woman. He absolutely has every right to do so if he is unhappy. 

Instead of telling him to cheat, you should be advising him to divorce. You should be helping him find resources to help in that endeavor.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ad4517 said:


> he kicked his son out of the house when that happened.


He should have called the police.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ad4517 said:


> it was not a child outside of marriage, it is a child BEFORE marriage. in my mind that's a HUGE difference. you CANNOT reasonably hold someone accountable for a sexual encounter before marriage. this woman has no value in her marriage.
> 
> people have lives with other people before they get married. if she wont put out she deserves her fate. he said they had a quality marriage before all of this.
> 
> im surprised he is able to put up with this selfish woman. if my wife did that to me without having a medical reason, im out


You know nothing about her, or why the sex stopped.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

For simplicity's sake, I'll just assume the basics of the story are true.

A fine example for remembering to stay on the pill, and keeping the peepee wrapped up during sex, if you absolutely insist on having sex outside of a committed relationship/marriage. 

The son is primed from birth to end up in jail. The stats for success for him are low. He is the real victim in this story.

Chad's sister taking in and caring for the son, is admirable. Assuming she isn't a nutjob, at least the boy is with family. 

The wife is rightfully upset. Quite the monkey wrench tossed into the gearbox of her marriage.

Chad now has to deal with the life long consequences of a three second orgasm. I wonder if it was worth it?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yes, I’m with @OnTheFly. 

He is suffering consequences for unprotected sex outside of marriage. 

I don’t agree that the wife should be withholding sex from him for it (though I’m pretty sure her side of the story is _quite_ different). 

Please reconsider advising *married* strangers to start hooking up with random chicks for sex. Gross.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tell your friend to start doing research and going to counseling himself.

If Chad's wife cut him off immediately after finding out he fathered a child he knew nothing about, she is probably too broken to continue with.

If she was against him bringing his son into her home to begin with and then the son attacks her daughter......

If she cut him off after that incident, I fully understand and she might feel just as trapped as him.

It is obvious regardless that she does not feel trust for her husband anymore and possibly no respect either.

I agree that the marriage is a sham at this point and he should just have an honest talk with her about it.

There are ways to rebuild a life but he has to let the unsatisfying one he has now go.

How is his relationship with his daughter?


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

I think a lot of responses are missing the fact that Chad supposedly had sex with the other baby momma BEFORE he married his wife - maybe before meeting her? So the son would be like a step child.

That said I think it’s very possible he has omitted or changed some of the facts of his case. Was the child conceived during any type of relationship he had with his current wife? I think it seems suspicious she would be so vehemently against this child and so would *all* of her friends and coworkers. Are you sure he is being honest here?

I think if you spoke to his wife you would find out way more than you bargained for here. There are two sides to every story.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Yes, I’m with @OnTheFly.
> 
> He is suffering consequences for unprotected sex outside of marriage.
> 
> ...


Ah yes, random sex with random chicks. :|
Bad advice.

The last time dear Chad did that random deed, the chicks delivery _stork_ flew over for a visit, roughly nine months later.
The stork dropped a long delayed bombshell on Chad; that once, baby, is now an adolescent boy. 

And, that bombshell blew that delayed, deviled egg into his face.

Yep.

Random actions produce documented results, just or not, just as well.
A random chicks egg-maker works just as well as any familiar and known Chick-a-Dee's. :surprise:

A man's sperm rams head first into a random ladies egg just as hard as any in its desired path.
Sperm is blind, as is the pea-shooter that blasts it down-range, past those warm and furry gates.

Indeed, and in action.



The Typist I-


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@ad4517

How old were his son and his daughter at the time that he his son into his home? 

How old were the children at the time that the son tried to kill his daughter?

How did his son try to kill his daughter? What did he do to her?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The no-sex for 8 (long-hard) years is puzzling.

This certainly shows contempt for him, this Chad. Others aplenty have asked why. I now add my name to the list.

Without knowing the whys, who is to blame, or if both are blame-shod, I bite my tongue.

If Chads story is the more believable one, then I blame him for not taking the financial hit, that spit, and him moving on.

They say "You make your own bed" ....

He made his own bed and could not romp on it.
Ugh, yuck, phew, snort.

What folks put up with, losing of one's sanity, for some pittance of green.


TT I-


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> his wife treats it as if he cheated on him.


I wonder, since we have many threads where this occurs, if he lied and said he was a virgin. 

Most of the posts about this subject are from men and guess what? They want to divorce because the woman lied about their previous sex life. Her alleged reaction, anger and this quote makes me wonder if this is the case.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Sorry if this is a tangent but did they really find him based on a DNA test of the son? How does that work? I understand that DNA could prove or disprove who a parent is but I don't think a DNA test could identify a person unless it has something to match it with. Like using a criminal DNA database or against an identified suspect. But I don't think that's anything like in this situation. Not questioning the truth of it, just wondering how this works.

As someone else said, there is always (at least) two sides to any story. It's a sad story no matter what.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

ad4517 said:


> if the marriage ends of course he should pay for what is required to raise the child, but the system is very much broken. woman receive far more then the child needs require and then the woman is going out on the town on the man's dime.


How do YOU know how much she makes and spends? If it costs $100,000 to raise a kid and he pays her $60K because he makes more money than she could be spending that entire 60K on the kids and using HER OWN money to go out. YOU, as an outsider, have NO idea what her budget looks like. So she's never allowed to spend any money on herself (even though she makes money and contributes to their upbringing too) because she also gets money from her ex? Pardon me but that's crap. By those standards, he should also never be going out or ever spending a dime on himself either. 

Child support pays for rent, electric, gas, cable, food, clothing, shoes, doctor's visits, school lunches and on and on and on. He should consider that his money goes to that stuff and she puts in the her contribution...and then her leftover money at the end of the month is hers to do with as she pleases since that comes out of the money SHE earns. 

And btw, ask any woman to add up how much she spends on all that stuff and how much she gets in child support and most will tell you it does not cover half of those expenses,not even close. In general, men have NO idea how much it truly costs to care for a child. 

And for the record, no, I do NOT accept child support from my STBXH and yes, I pay more for their upbringing than he does. Life is life...my kids need it, they get it and I don't quabble about money when it comes to their needs. If a large expense comes up I ask if he can split it with me...sometimes he says yes and sometimes he can't swing it. He goes out a couple times a week with friends and I DO not get upset about it. He needs to have a life too. Happier guy = happier Dad=better for my kids.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@ad4517 

Thank you for sticking up for your new friend, that co-worker. That was generous of you.

You may have taken a beating for it, (we), many of us here, have.

Just be prepared to defend your position well. 

Any hole in your thread's sock will be soon found and picked at.

Beware the sharp beaks on TAM, these, they can penetrate hard soil, silk purses, lies, rarely the stone cold facts at anyone's disposal.

Arm well yourself, and by so doing, you disarm the flap-able, those sharp-billed critics.


Gwen-


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> How do YOU know how much she makes and spends? If it costs $100,000 to raise a kid and he pays her $60K because he makes more money than she could be spending that entire 60K on the kids and using HER OWN money to go out. YOU, as an outsider, have NO idea what her budget looks like. So she's never allowed to spend any money on herself (even though she makes money and contributes to their upbringing too) because she also gets money from her ex? Pardon me but that's crap. By those standards, he should also never be going out or ever spending a dime on himself either.
> 
> Child support pays for rent, electric, gas, cable, food, clothing, shoes, doctor's visits, school lunches and on and on and on. He should consider that his money goes to that stuff and she puts in the her contribution...and then her leftover money at the end of the month is hers to do with as she pleases since that comes out of the money SHE earns.
> 
> And btw, ask any woman to add up how much she spends on all that stuff and how much she gets in child support and most will tell you it does not cover half of those expenses,not even close. In general, men have NO idea how much it truly costs to care for a child.


Respectfully, I disagree. My child support given to my exw paid for her alcohol, cigarettes and tattoos. 

My stbx makes 10k more than me a year. Even if I get 50/50 custody, if she gets residential custody, I will have to pay her 25k a year in child support. Now she makes 60k more than me a year and I have my kids half of the time and have to pay my household expenses. How is that fair? The court system is rigged against all dads in the western world.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

ad4517 said:


> it was not a child outside of marriage, it is a child BEFORE marriage. in my mind that's a HUGE difference. you CANNOT reasonably hold someone accountable for a sexual encounter before marriage. this woman has no value in her marriage.
> 
> people have lives with other people before they get married. if she wont put out she deserves her fate. he said they had a quality marriage before all of this.
> 
> im surprised he is able to put up with this selfish woman. if my wife did that to me without having a medical reason, im out


I somewhat disagree with this. I certainly don't think of it as cheating, but it is still a very big negative deal. Essentially, they discovered that his behavior before marriage lead to them now having a very large financial drain and emotional entanglement. 

Its not as though people don't know what causes pregnancy. He didn't just have sex before marriage (not uncommon), but he did it in a way that wasn't safe and responsible. Now his wife is paying a very large price for it. It's sad for all of them - him, his wife, and his apparently unwanted child.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> Respectfully, I disagree. My child support given to my exw paid for her alcohol, cigarettes and tattoos.
> 
> My stbx makes 10k more than me a year. Even if I get 50/50 custody, if she gets residential custody, I will have to pay her 25k a year in child support. Now she makes 60k more than me a year and I have my kids half of the time and have to pay my household expenses. How is that fair? The court system is rigged against all dads in the western world.


In the cases that I have heard of in the UK the courts seem pretty fair. In every case the children are always put first so I was told many years ago by a solicitor. As someone else said, children are expensive. Its not just what is for them specifically like clothes and food, school trips, hobbies etc, its having a home big enough for them and the expensive cost of running that home. Running a car big enough for all the children. So many costs that come up.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> Respectfully, I disagree. My child support given to my exw paid for her alcohol, cigarettes and tattoos.
> 
> My stbx makes 10k more than me a year. Even if I get 50/50 custody, if she gets residential custody, I will have to pay her 25k a year in child support. Now she makes 60k more than me a year and I have my kids half of the time and have to pay my household expenses. How is that fair? The court system is rigged against all dads in the western world.


I don't know where you live, but they do math strangely there. How can a 10k a year income difference possibly turn into a 25k child support obligation? Where I am, a 50-50 custody situation with a 10k income difference would result in a payment barely worth recording.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I don't know where you live, but they do math strangely there. How can a 10k a year income difference possibly turn into a 25k child support obligation? Where I am, a 50-50 custody situation with a 10k income difference would result in a payment barely worth recording.


Yeah, I was wondering the same thing.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Hopeful Cynic said:
> 
> 
> > I don't know where you live, but they do math strangely there. How can a 10k a year income difference possibly turn into a 25k child support obligation? Where I am, a 50-50 custody situation with a 10k income difference would result in a payment barely worth recording.
> ...


I’m in NY. Who ever gets residential custody is owed child support from the other parent. 25% for two kids and only FICA can be deducted from gross salary. Of course everything is negotiable. It’s a liberal state and anyone with a penis gets that penis shoved down their own throat. So I guess I should take this over to the numerous BJ threads.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m in NY. Who ever gets residential custody is owed child support from the other parent. 25% for two kids and only FICA can be deducted from gross salary. Of course everything is negotiable. It’s a liberal state and anyone with a penis gets that penis shoved down their own throat. So I guess I should take this over to the numerous BJ threads.


Yeah, you have a lawyer right?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> notmyjamie said:
> 
> 
> > How do YOU know how much she makes and spends? If it costs $100,000 to raise a kid and he pays her $60K because he makes more money than she could be spending that entire 60K on the kids and using HER OWN money to go out. YOU, as an outsider, have NO idea what her budget looks like. So she's never allowed to spend any money on herself (even though she makes money and contributes to their upbringing too) because she also gets money from her ex? Pardon me but that's crap. By those standards, he should also never be going out or ever spending a dime on himself either.
> ...


Well I get $62/week for two kids and he has them two days a week, no weekends. That doesn’t cover their lunch money let alone anything else. I also cover their health insurance and all expenses and he is allowed to skate on his portion of the non-covered medical bills because he throws me a $100 here and there “in good faith”. How is that fair? Not feeling a lot of sympathy ALL western dads in this household.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Yeah, you have a lawyer right?


Sure do. We both have very competent legal counsel.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I also caught the pregnancy happened before they got married. Well now days people date for years and years before actual marriage. Hell many don't bother to get married until the 2nd child. So did this unplanned child happen during the time they were 'in a committed' relationship? 

They do need to either work on repairing their relationship including sex or they can choose to separate. How old are his children with his wife. How long is he just gonna wait it out? 

But don't recommend he cheat. Your just lower his moral code and his future worth on the dating scene, Of course you'll probably recommend he lie to future partners as well. Just don't tell them you cheated right?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Bluesclues said:


> Well I get $62/week for two kids and he has them two days a week, no weekends. That doesn’t cover their lunch money let alone anything else. I also cover their health insurance and all expenses and he is allowed to skate on his portion of the non-covered medical bills because he throws me a $100 here and there “in good faith”. How is that fair? Not feeling a lot of sympathy ALL western dads in this household.


My son isn't *****ing but his ex lives with her parents, lies to the court openly and is caught all the time, gets child support from my son and her other child's father and spends a lot of time doing drugs and partying.

My son only cares about the welfare of his daughter and the state is heavily stacked against him and against the well-being of his daughter in favor of whatever the hell is the dippy mother here wants.

I know a lot of women do have it hard as single mothers but an honest man gets seriously screwed by the lopsided courts in this country to the detriment of the children and the honest father.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> If Chad's wife cut him off immediately after finding out he fathered a child he knew nothing about, she is probably too broken to continue with.


Not necessarily. There are some pills a person just can't swallow down. I know women and men that are very committed to the idea of never, ever, ever, marrying someone with a child from a previous relationship. Reasons vary from what I think of as practical to antiquated, but those people have the right to their feelings. I wouldn't consider that broken. 

If she is one of those people who never wanted a partner with a child by someone else and this was part of her mate selection screening process, I could imagine having a partially grown child suddenly appear would be a huge possibly marriage breaking issue. Add into that the child needing a home and then said child's attempted murder of her daughter? Yeah. I could totally see why she doesn't want to have sex with him. 

He wasn't the man she thought she was marrying. 

He brought into her home a threat to her child and then he failed to protect her and her child from said threat. 

His past action of creating a child takes financial and possibly emotional resources away from her and her offspring in the present.

And he seems to have allowed this situation to persist for years, so his inaction also diminishes him further in her eyes.


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