# Have You had a Revenge EA or PA?



## Alwaysconfused (Feb 18, 2010)

I wonder if I had a Revenge EA or PA what would that accomplish? Would I feel vindicated? Would I feel like I had the last laugh?

I have been really tempted to start an EA after I caught my wife having one with someone for over 5 months. Would it make me feel better?

Who out there had a Revenge Affair and how do you feel now compared to then? I don't want to for the sake of two wrongs don't make a right. Help!!:scratchhead:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

What would you accomplish by falling in love with another woman?


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

Sounds immature IMO. I could see my STBXH doing that, but I wouldn't. It wouldn't make me feel better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## talkitout (Feb 21, 2012)

I don't think it would make you feel better. You'd start to realize you're just like her now. If there's any redeeming factor for those who have been cheated on, it's that you're a better person than the cheater. If you cheat too, you're just like her and realistically can't even be angry at her anymore for it.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

The idea has come to me from time to time. Like part of me is trying to find away to make him feel my pain. But then again I have never cheated so your question does not apply to me but I can sure say it some times pops in and seems a way to make him be in my shoes but then again I do not want to be in his so I just push that thought away.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

More problems to your relationship..50/50 chance your wife will leave you or you might fall for this person..

Not worth it.


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## Alwaysconfused (Feb 18, 2010)

All of you are right. I don't want to be the same person but I want to take the high road and keep my morals and ethics. But why does it feel like she has won?

She was having her cake and eating it also...fun on the phone having an EA while the provider (Me) is out working to provide. I will keep doing the right thing for my conscience and integrity but DAMN ITS SOOOOO TEMPTING!

Maybe it's my pride.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

IMO, it's not worth it, at all. At 1st you think "eye for an eye", but then time passes and you will really start to feel bad about it all. I wouldn't stoop that far if you're not ready to move on for good yet.


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## Alwaysconfused (Feb 18, 2010)

It feels like my heart died. I have to forgive her because that the right thing to do but how do you forget? I'm always questioning if she is still contacting him? 

When I ask of course it is "No!" But she said the same thing when I asked her if there is someone else. Trust is something you earn and its not a given.....especially now. I love my young son (15 months) so much that I'll do anything to never miss a moment in his life even if its putting up with her and finding a way to forgive her even more.

I still love her very much. I am now feeling what she said that she felt "ILYBINWY". I just need to keep moving forward and not looking back but those who don't remember the past.....


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I had an EA after I found out about her EA/PA. My justification at the time was she could never know my pain unless she could feel it herself. If I could go back I would have never had it.


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

Being that this post is in the Going Through Divorce or Separation forum, IF you're done with your marriage (and have filed for divorce) then I see no problem getting a FWB to help you move on and reclaim your manhood. Believe me, I know how it feels to be emasculated! Just be above board with your FWB partner about your situation and don't use the relationship as revenge but rather for your own mental health. Oh, and don't have any sort of relationship BEFORE you have filed -- that puts you in the same place as your cheating wife.

If you're not done with your marriage, go hard 180 but don't get into any sort of relationship whether you've filed or not....

Just my two cents...


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I would never use another person in that way...I think it would be wrong to start a relationship with someone just to make your ex-jealous. ....I wouldn't want to play around with someone else's emotions like that.


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

I'm not down with making an ex jealous and I'm certainly not down with preying on someone's emotions. However, if you're divorcing (and have filed) and have laid all your cards on the table with a friend that's interested in "benefits" (for whatever reason) I think it could be a healthy thing for the betrayed in terms of helping them move on and for their mental health. Someone coming out of a situation like this is not in an emotional place typically to start a long-term relationship but still has intimacy needs like the rest of us humans. Honesty and open communication, always. You're not using someone if you're above board with your intentions and expectations and behave admirably in the relationship (i.e. not throwing them in an ex's face for example...)

I had a FWB as I was going through a protracted divorce with someone who was going through much the same thing. We both were not ready for a long-term relationship yet we were both starving for intimacy. We were above board with where we were at, where are divorces were at, and what we expected to get out of our "arrangement". It worked for us but only because we were brutally honest with each other. We both never had any illusions that this relationship had any legs or was anything substantial for the long-term...


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

InFlux said:


> Being that this post is in the Going Through Divorce or Separation forum,* IF you're done with your marriage (and have filed for divorce) then I see no problem getting a FWB to help you move on and reclaim your manhood. * Believe me, I know how it feels to be emasculated! Just be above board with your FWB partner about your situation and don't use the relationship as revenge but rather for your own mental health. Oh, and don't have any sort of relationship BEFORE you have filed -- that puts you in the same place as your cheating wife.
> 
> If you're not done with your marriage, go hard 180 but don't get into any sort of relationship whether you've filed or not....
> 
> Just my two cents...


Many of us on here are not DONE w/ our marriage ... many of us are here in pain and are the dumpees or were hurt and forced to finally had to take a stand (do a 180) to get the other out of the fog. 

It's one thing to understand how much the rejection has done to yourself by why stoop to their level? There have been several ppl here that mention that they got back together before everything was finalized. ON the OTHER hand... if my H had an A (EA/PA) during this time I maybe more likely to forgive him b/c of the timing and our fight.


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Many of us on here are not DONE w/ our marriage ... many of us are here in pain and are the dumpees or were hurt and forced to finally had to take a stand (do a 180) to get the other out of the fog.
> 
> It's one thing to understand how much the rejection has done to yourself by why stoop to their level? There have been several ppl here that mention that they got back together before everything was finalized. ON the OTHER hand... if my H had an A (EA/PA) during this time I maybe more likely to forgive him b/c of the timing and our fight.


Well, I guess you didn't read everything I wrote because I also said "If you're not done with your marriage, go hard 180 but don't get into any sort of relationship whether you've filed or not...." 

In my case I tried to make it work with the 180 post-D day for 18 months with 5 separate counselors. You can't change other people, however, and you can barely change yourself. Like most things in life there is a time and place for everything....


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

InFlux said:


> Well, I guess you didn't read everything I wrote because I also said "If you're not done with your marriage, go hard 180 but don't get into any sort of relationship whether you've filed or not...."
> 
> In my case I tried to make it work with the 180 post-D day for 18 months with 5 separate counselors. You can't change other people, however, and you can barely change yourself. Like most things in life there is a time and place for everything....


I did read it. I saw the "IF you are done..." I was not familiar w/ your story so it sounded like it was said out of defense of an action... It maybe it was the way you mentioned emasculated... that stung. My H has said I emasculated him (I lost weight and he lost connection) so I may have gotten on the defense thinking you were defending an FWB idea while still legally married. Sorry. 

Good for you for trying! I am sorry I misunderstood. You sound like you tried/did your best and your ex let you down. Sorry again to hear I want a happy ending to all stories


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