# Another She Cheated Thread.



## Weary (Oct 25, 2012)

I would like to say first and foremost, I've been reading around here for a few hours and really like some of the comments and advice I've seen so far.


I'm seeking advice on my current situation from unbiased bystanders. Thanks in advance for reading my post.

So a bit of backstory, we met online and maintained a long distance relationship for a year or so until it came down to one of us needs to move to make it work, I bit that bullet. Moved across the country with no job prospects, a place to live or anything but what i could fit in my car. Things continued to go well for quite a while once I got established. 

Then came the first blow. I noticed that she was spending alot of time with her nose buried in her phone texting a male friend whom at the time I regarded as 'mutual'. I didnt think too much into it other than getting annoyed when she would be more interested in that than what we were doing at the time (for instance, shopping for things she wanted to buy and I was more or less there to push the cart.)
I was informed after this was going of for a couple months from a 3rd party that they had been having inappropriate conversations and exchanging photos. I instantly saw red due to the nature of how our relationship started and drove to her place to confront her, she told me that she was sorry and I told her if it happened again we're done. She wasnt very forthcoming with details and I didnt press for many as I was afraid of how deep the rabbit hole went. But I did feel that it was a sizeable emotional affair (EA? kinda new to the shorthand people use on this board) To this day that one still stings the most.

But regardless we went about our business, proceeded to get married last summer. She moved in, we played house ect.

We had a space growing between us for about 6 months after getting married as neither of us is a very effective communicator. Late one night I was already in bed and rolled over to find a empty bed so i got up to see what was keeping her up, I noticed the basement lights were on and heard some odd noises, I went back to bed a little curious but too tired to make much sense of it. I got up the next morning and checked her comp to see what was keeping her up till 4am and found out she was messaging various guys (inappropriately). And with one of the guys she had been more or less spilling her guts on things like our ****ty sex life, between cybering sessions with him over the course of a month or so. When I confronted her with this info she more or less shrugged it off, gave me a quick apology and I was satisfied with having her promise that it wont happen again. 

Another month passes with tensions over the last EA growing. She seems quite distant so I check on things to make sure it isnt happening again and it was but now this time with a 4 times ex-boyfriend. I flip out, come home from work early, print out what I found with him and tape it to her suitcase along with a note that says "Pack and Leave". I take the dogs to the park to be out of the house when she gets home. I come back around 8:30 and she wont leave. I accuse her of physically cheating along with these messages, due to her spending increasing time at one of her friends place. She swears up and down she didnt. I insist that she needs to stay somewhere else for a bit. She agreed to move out. 

Fastforward another few weeks and I'm about ready to have her move back in, I do one more check of her email to make sure shes stopped and find out she had been sleeping with someone else now. This affair had been both emotional and physical from what I can find. So I text her and say "I know about you and X, I'm too exhausted at this point to argue about it, just come get the rest of your stuff.". Her knee jerk reaction was to blame me for all of it due to me not paying her enough attention over the year we have been married.

She never did come get the rest of her stuff for the past 2 months, it's as if I live in a constant reminder of a married home. We had another sit down a few days ago after dancing around the talk we needed to have over the past while. I expressed my desire to move back home since theres nothing left here for me but a dead end job i picked up to pay the bills. She expressed how sorry she was and she was much more forthcoming on details when I asked her, she swears shes told me everything now, they had sex 3 times over the course of their month fling. I asked her if she still talks to him and she said she does, which hurt me quite a bit and makes me doubt her sincerity for me since she didnt have the respect to terminate all contact with him until I asked her to. She swears she loves me and I'm the only one she wants to be with. 

*TL/DR version:*
We have been married for a year and a half and together for 3 years. Shes had 3 EA and one EA/PA.(I hope I'm using these abbreviations correctly) 
*
Some facts about our relationship:*
-I have depression/anxiety so I tend to get withdrawn easily and have horrid self esteem. 
-Our sex life has never been good, as she was my first intimate partner I would have...problems, which would hurdle me me deeper into depression when I wasnt able to perform.
-I fully acknowledge that I didnt give her the attention she deserved. She wont admit to mutual neglect but I feel its a 2 way street.
- I have been in and out of therapy over my depression and the last time I went was to help me cope with the 2nd EA and get over it. When I wanted to seek couples counseling after the 3rd EA she refused. She is now willing to go but it feels like a measure of appeasement due to me expressing that I want to move away.
- No kids, we both wanted them and she recently expressed how bad she wants them due to her getting older. But its hard to get pregnant when we've only had sex 7 times in our first year of marriage.
- She says shes willing to work things out and try to regain my trust. I dont know if I am.
- She views the dirty IMing and exchanging of pictures as harmless, even thought I've made it quite clear I feel otherwise.


I just really want some advice from people who have been there or are going through it.
I still have feelings for her, is that sane or masochistic? 
Is it selfish of me to want to move back home to be around friends and family? as I have none here. All of the friends I have here are her friends shes introduced me to.
I want to believe her this time but I dont know how I can ever trust her again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 4 times, I'm a moron.
Was it wrong of me to expect her to have terminated contact with the other guy before I asked about it?

Thanks for any advice/comments.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Feelings for her is all very well. 

What you need is a basis to rebuild trust, and her words alone aren't enough because she has lied before.

If you can agree any basis for trust, one wacky suggestion I could make...move back home and if she wants you she has to follow. That way you get a support network and distance from her physical affair partner.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Wife cheated on me, so I know the feeling. 

But here is one bit of advice:

Fool me once, shame on you. 
Fool me twice, shame on me. 

Translation:
You cheated on me, but I love you enough to get over it. 
Cheated on me twice? Well, there is the door, and I can't believe I was dumb and stupid enough to give you a second chance. 

My wife knows she isn't getting one. 

You want my advice? The advice of a guy going through reconciliation from a wife that had a waist deep affair? 
I would say leave her. 

Again:
She stabbed you once. 
You trusted her to not do it again. 
She stabbed you twice. 
You really want to give her the chance to stab you a third time?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Also, she doesn't understand what an emotional affair is. 

So tell her, "I'll be sexting and IMing a bunch of women while we are trying to reconcile. I'll let you know if I think it is affecting the relationship or if it gets inappropriate." 

See how well she responds to that. 

Also, I liked how you handled the get out of the house situation.


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## Weary (Oct 25, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Feelings for her is all very well.
> 
> What you need is a basis to rebuild trust, and her words alone aren't enough because she has lied before.
> 
> If you can agree any basis for trust, one wacky suggestion I could make...move back home and if she wants you she has to follow. That way you get a support network and distance from her physical affair partner.


She refuses to go back with me as shes seen first hand what being away from family has done to me over the past couple years.



Thats more or less how I feel at this moment Juicer & thanks for the perspective. Thats why I posted here to get insight from first hand people.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Weary said:


> *She refuses to go back with me as shes seen first hand what being away from family has done to me over the past couple years.*
> 
> 
> Thats more or less how I feel at this moment Juicer & thanks for the perspective. Thats why I posted here to get insight from first hand people.


You know what that statement says to me?
She has already given you terms that she expects you to accept for her to reconcile. 

Notice a problem?

She should be bending over backwards to prove to you, that she will do whatever she can and you demand to get a second chance. 
I told my wife to quit her job. Done. I wanted her email passwords, her phone, everything. 
Did she argue with me over the losing her job? It was a nice job (compared to what she got now) and it was a big change for her. No, she did it whole heartedly. 

If your wife won't agree to do the big things to help you heal, she doesn't want to help you heal. She wants you to rug sweep the affair so she can have another as soon as possible.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Are you sure you heard her right?

Sex three times in one month w a new partner? Or was it 3 x a day?

Either way you will have a better life surrounded by people that actually care for you. Chalk this up to experience and go back home. Sorry you learned a hard
lesson - watch the texting in ur next relationship.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Weary, having those affairs is not something she did (she won't even recognize the picture exchanging/flirting as betrayal) is what she does, its who he is.
I have no boudb she was this way before knowing you, she did it while the long distance, she didn't last 1 year of marriage and she's again at it.
It's what she does, who she is. She won't stop. Ever.

I'd never have children with her.

Sorry man.


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## Weary (Oct 25, 2012)

I agree that after stopping to realize it that it is bullsh!t for her to give me terms and conditions in this scenario.

Im positive that she said 3 times during the course of her fling. But I wouldnt doubt it was little more than a number to settle the question.

And everyone Ive talked to thus far has told me its a blessing that we are without child at this point. It breaks my heart a bit to deny her of her life dream of being a mother at this juncture but i guess its her bed she made...


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Juicer said:


> You know what that statement says to me?
> She has already given you terms that she expects you to accept for her to reconcile.
> 
> Notice a problem?
> ...


Yep. 
Mine changed her phone number
Dropped Facebook and Yahoo
Gave me complete access to everything. 
Full and complete remorse or move on. JMO


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Put it this way: she had HALF the sex she offered you for a YEAR to another guy in one month.

What is she saving it up for?

First, get treated for your esteeem issues and depression. Being in that state doesn't make you a very good partner nor one able to enjoy another person. Being married and screwing doesn't fix depression.

Second, she's, as you've stated, been shrugging her shoulders whenever caught. You believe her NOW. Why? Tears? 

Let me clue you in on something, since you've as much as admitted that you are brand new to this relationship thing: women can lie and some women can cry on demand. You only cry when it REALLY HURTS. Some women...not so much.

But let me give her the benefit of the doubt. She might be really hurt. She might be missing your income. She might not want to be seen as a failure. She might be crying over having to give up her other MEN (PLURAL for the love of GOD!)

There are a lot of motives for her 'regret' which has nothing to do with you. You might be a major part...or you might be a piece (maybe a SMALL piece) of the puzzle.

You don't know and by self admission, you probably aren't a good judge.

You are, in fact, a moron. But you don't need to stay one. Now that you've gotten your penis wet for real, you can focus on finding a REAL relationship. Try flesh and blood. Aim for your 'league' (no chasing supermodels) and be upfront and honest. 

But fix yourself first....once you get your good job back.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Weary said:


> And everyone Ive talked to thus far has told me its a blessing that we are without child at this point. It breaks my heart a bit to deny her of her life dream of being a mother at this juncture but i guess its her bed she made...


So you are killing a dream of her's?

How many dreams are you going to be plagued with when you start having triggers? How many dreams of yours did she kill when she let another man claim her? How many visions of your future did she kill when she cheated on you?

Dude, don't give a second thought about her dreams. Because she just killed yours.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Weary said:


> *Then came the first blow*. I noticed that she was spending alot of time with her nose buried in her phone texting a male friend. I was informed after this was going of for a couple months from a 3rd party that they had been having inappropriate conversations and exchanging photos. I instantly saw red due to the nature of how our relationship started and drove to her place to confront her, *she told me that she was sorry *and *I told her if it happened again we're done.*
> 
> *I noticed the basement lights were on and heard some odd noises*, I went back to bed a little curious but too tired to make much sense of it. I got up the next morning and checked her comp to see what was keeping her up till 4am and found out *she was messaging various guys (inappropriately*). And with one of the guys she had been more or less spilling her guts on things like our ****ty sex life, between *cybering sessions *with him over the course of a month or so. When I confronted her with this info *she more or less shrugged it off*, gave me a quick apology and I was satisfied with having her promise that it wont happen again.
> 
> ...


You still have feelings for her. You want to believe her. She has cheated on you four times. After the third time, you kicked her out. She was so remorseful that rather than do anything and everything to get you back, she promptly went out and struck up a physical and emotional affair.

Part of what is so troubling here is that her cheating hasn't even been with the same guy. It's not like she has strong feelings for some guy and can't get over it. It's that she has casual affairs with whoever comes along next and shows her some attention.

You would have to be in serious denial to stay with her.  As you say, you still have feelings for her and you want to believe her. You are letting your wishful thinking get in the way of the reality of the cold hard facts. On top of everything else, she is doing nothing to show she is remorseful, just giving you lip service. If she really wanted to be married to you, she would be doing anything and everything to make it up to you, AND YES, SHE WOULD AGREE TO MOVE WITH YOU.

Why does she want to stay married to you? Stability. Security. Finances. It's nice to have someone always there to love you unconditionally while the guys you're having the affair with are only using you for sex.

Why do you want to stay married to her? You are better off without her. No kids makes it a no brainer.


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## Weary (Oct 25, 2012)

Juicer said:


> How many dreams are you going to be plagued with when you start having triggers? How many dreams of yours did she kill when she let another man claim her?


Ugghh Im lucky Im still numb enough to not have recurring visions and triggers. 

I guess its worth including that during her 2nd EA and her EA/PA she mentioned to both of those guys that she wanted out of the marriage. Suppose its about time I should stop deluding myself and playing along with her feelings of the week since that right there undermines the statement shes made about only wanting to be with me. When is the next time shes going to want out again.
Well ya'll have verified my stance, I dont want to keep feeling under threat of getting stabbed in the back again since its basic pattern recognition at this point.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

R is hard enough when they are doing all the right things. Couldn't imagine trying it she weren't.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Your esteeem issues and depression will get worse if you stay with her. It's a garantee she will sh!t in your heart again and again...
It will destroy you for good.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Weary, you're getting first rate advice and all these posts are excellent. You need to divorce. Laws are different all over, but you need to look into whether or not you have the possibility of annulment. 

How old are you? 

I'm guessing you come across much better with women online than in person. That can be fixed. I'm not going to say it's easy, it's a lot of hard work. First you need to fix your mind and get rid of a lot of bunk that society has deposited in your "What Women Like" file. I'm sure you were violating the 16 Commandments left and right for your whole marriage. Read all around Roissy's site there. It's crass and offensive, at least until you take the proverbial red pill, but it's undiluted truth.

Now, read this about the Male Socio-Sexual Hierarchy and find out where you're starting out at, so you can find your way to where you need to be. BTW, women are the ones who make the decisions about where you are on the totem pole. You move up as you increase your sex rank.

After you learn the truth about what women value in a man (I mean what they_ REALLY_ value, not what they say they want) and find out what your sex rank is, you need to raise your rank. Despite what women say, an attractive physique is the first thing that will trigger their attention (at least until they see your bank balance). What they are subconsciously looking for is a 1.4:1 chest:waist(right under the rib cage) ratio. That's the first hurdle you get past with an IRL woman. Start dropping fat and building muscle with weight training.







Once you look like this, you'll be in the pink. All the time.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Start watching Twin Muscle Workout. Youtube. 

Hilarious, good advice, and they got several channels and videos to entertain/inform/occupy your time with.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Weary, you're getting first rate advice and all these posts are excellent. You need to divorce. Laws are different all over, but you need to look into whether or not you have the possibility of annulment.
> 
> How old are you?
> 
> ...


Machiavelli and Juicer both know what they are talking about. To sum it up I'm not tall 5'6 the last year of marriage I let myself go that was 2 plus yrs ago. Now I am back to benching- flat- 310 not bad for 5'6 165 lbs. but I'm setting a goal of 340 again why not it's a state of mind. Going out with a younger right now if that doesn't work ok NEXT. I have the attitude basically I just don't care I'll move on and it for me works.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You fell in love with the internet persona your wife projected. You fell in love with that. She moved on to the next guy after she got bored. This woman seems to have personality issues. She dos not even realize what she is doing


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Yeah, she needs children with you and you will have to run to paternity clinic every time.

She is asking for children to tie your hands and head, so that you wont leave her even if she have another dozen of EA?PA.
Run to the mountains as soon as possible.


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## Mayers89 (Oct 25, 2012)

keep posting and have fun!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You met her online and now she is out shopping again. 

You have no kids. You can walk away. Do.

Sure it will hurt but you need to realize that a big chunk of that hurt is you smacking yourself around. It takes a long time and a smack around the head the TAM thought police [ joke.. joke]
before you feel better. 

LET
HER
GO


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## Weary (Oct 25, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Machiavelli and Juicer both know what they are talking about. To sum it up I'm not tall 5'6 the last year of marriage I let myself go that was 2 plus yrs ago. Now I am back to benching- flat- 310 not bad for 5'6 165 lbs. but I'm setting a goal of 340 again why not it's a state of mind. Going out with a younger right now if that doesn't work ok NEXT. I have the attitude basically I just don't care I'll move on and it for me works.


Well Im 6'1, 185lbs. a bit flabby but ive started going to the gym to blow off steam since we separated. someone asked age, 24.
ive been told im a realativly attractive guy. So I suppose once I learn how to carry myself things should go smoothly enough. 

Thanks for the tips, I think you may be right warlock. As pathetic as it seems in retrospect that may be quite accurate. I fell in love with the persona of someone who shared alot of the 'dorky' interests I have and that seem more like a ploy to reel me in after I moved out here.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

She feel in love with the same 'fantasy'. When she met you for real, she probably had her own disappointments. Now unlike you, she didn't suck it up and try to make it work. Certainly you didn't ASK to have monthly sex.

She, finding the cucumber she selected not to her taste, shoved it in the bottom of her produce drawer and went to the market again.

Just for a bit of perspective.

Which is why REAL relationships need flesh and blood time to verify things.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Weary,

I dont mean this flippantly, you see from my post count Ive been around here for a while, so please listen to me.

Your wife is an unrepentant serial cheater. It started with online cheating and even when you called her out on it, she continued it and increased it.

You then stood up to her,and she escallated with a full on PA.

Don't let het back into your life. Youve already wasted valuable time with her, don't waste anymore. 

You really can do so much better, she has set the bar so very low, that even a prison pen pall is better.

Shell have no trouble finding some looser to give her a kid the way she is heading.

Run, get a D immediately, and then busy upgrading.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Weary said:


> Well Im 6'1, 185lbs. a bit flabby but ive started going to the gym to blow off steam since we separated. someone asked age, 24.
> ive been told im a realativly attractive guy. So I suppose once I learn how to carry myself things should go smoothly enough.


24? Man, you're right out of nursery school; you've got your whole life ahead of you. You still young enough that you can take up just about any high status career or hobby you like. Lead guitar or drums can be practically mastered in one year with less daily time than what you're spending on the web. Play like Clapton with David's body and the women will be lined up outside your bedroom. Use this disappointment as a motivational tool to achieve greatness. Get off the devil box and get into the real deal.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Thanks for the tips, I think you may be right warlock. As pathetic as it seems in retrospect that may be quite accurate. I fell in love with the persona of someone who shared alot of the 'dorky' interests I have and that seem more like a ploy to reel me in after I moved out here.


Not necessarily a ploy.. That what she is..I wouldn't be surprised if she first got into games trying to get guy's attention. Have been seeing chicks like these recently (the rise of nerds)


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Weary said:


> Well Im 6'1, 185lbs. a bit flabby but ive started going to the gym to blow off steam since we separated. someone asked age, 24.
> ive been told im a realativly attractive guy. So I suppose once I learn how to carry myself things should go smoothly enough.
> 
> Thanks for the tips, I think you may be right warlock. As pathetic as it seems in retrospect that may be quite accurate. I fell in love with the persona of someone who shared alot of the 'dorky' interests I have and that seem more like a ploy to reel me in after I moved out here.


6-1, 185....? Well, you can't be _that_ flabby. If you get to the gym and start sculpting your body, within a month you'll get plenty of attention. 

And at only 24 you have so much to learn. But first, forget about your current wife. Obviously she has no interest in you. So why on earth would you have interest in her? You're better than that. Just move on, there are so many wonderful women for you to meet. 

The best thing you ever did was find this forum. And to think you found it at such a young age. So many of us middle age guys cringe when we think of our past behavior and what we put up with simply because we were ignorant. Read the other threads here. The general advice given to betrayed and befuddled men is to "man up." Take control of your life, be firm, be confident, don't take crap from anyone, and don't get a case of "oneitis" when you're dealing with women.


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## Weary (Oct 25, 2012)

Thanks for the follow ups folks!

Read the Nice guy Guide I found around here somewhere (on someone's sig maybe?) And I gotta say it struck a chord pretty much the whole way through.
She txt'd me today asking if she could come by tonight and I gave her a pretty solid piece of my mind in return. Gotta say it felt great to return to the assertiveness I lost along the way, and she was kinda taken aback which was equally satisfying. 

In short I love this site, I'm starting to get some hope that I can get out of this as a better person than I went into it as so all the heartache and pain will not have been in vain.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I still have feelings for her, is that sane or masochistic?


Sadly it is perfectly normal.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

You're only 24?!?
Lucky!!!

You can build all kinds of muscle at that age! Your T-levels are still up, and will stay up until your 26!!!

You got any questions about working out, supplements, routines, exercises, pm me, I can help you out. Or any of the other fitness experts on the site. 

Or Twin Muscle Workout. Because they'll make you laugh. And you need a laugh right now. 

Also, you are 24. 

I am just going to say some opinions. 
You are too young to be married. 
You shouldn't be married before the age of 25! BEcause by 25, you are finished with school (usually) and you should have your career figured out. 
And you should know what you want from a relationship and a woman. 
And you should acheive your dreams BEFORE you get married. I got mine completed before I was married. Glad I did. 

So after you close this sad and painful chapter of your life, you go out, have fun. With the muscles you'll be putting on, and you getting your life figured out, you'll have women chasing you like mad.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Because by 25, you are finished with school (usually) and you should have your career figured out.
> And you should know what you want from a relationship and a woman.
> And you should acheive your dreams BEFORE you get married. I got mine completed before I was married. Glad I did.


Alternate perspective.

I am a lot older than 25 and I still have dreams (even though I also have grandkids).

In a long life you and your wife are going to change. If you believe in lifelong marriage you have to take that into account.

That's one of the reasons why you also need to keep talking.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Bear in mind that there is assertive and gratuitously rude. It's a fine line. But being rude to cheating spouses is therapeutic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

JCD said:


> Near in mind that there is assertive and gratuitously rude. It's a fine line. But being rude to cheating spouses is therapeutic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Essential actually.

If you can't confront the issues causing infidelity, without limits, you are not confronting them.

How do you talk about something like this without saying some things that are guaranteed to hurt the cheater? Saving the marriage means changing things, not letting an unhealthy current approach continue!


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## Weary (Oct 25, 2012)

UPDATE:

Ok so I had pondered on what to do and after talking with some friends I have decided to try for a R. I know that this goes against what many of you fine folks have advised me of, but I want to be able to walk away from this with no regrets if things dont work.

I told her my rules/boundaries about 2 weeks ago. They were:
1) If/when X(OM) or anyone who online 'talks' went on with tries to contact you I want to know what they say and we can formulate replies together.
2) I want all logins and p/w's for your accts, and I will be going through your phone from time to time. 
3) If anything remotely close to this happens again we are donedonedone. Especially given your track record.
4) Any hint of a burnerphone or alt email we are done, since thats just more deceit your up to no good on.
5) we will be going to MC. if you are going to halfass it to appease me then theres no point.
6) Understand I'm going to be bitter and pissed periodically, id try to hide it but look what repression has gotten me.
7) dont try to cover anything up. even something as simple as you stopping for coffee. any scent of a lie sends my imagination spinning into indecency. 
8) get tested. I doubt X(OM) gets out much but i dont want that doubt lingering in the back of my mind. 

The problem I'm having now is that she hasnt gotten back to me at all regarding these stipulations ive set in the last 2 weeks, now bearing in mind we live in different houses and as such dont see each other apart from weekends. When we talk thru the week its menial **** like 'how was your day'. Ive expressed my distaste for how we havnt made any forward motion except for when I f*cked up my hand on the fridge in a fit of rage a few days ago. She said that She thinks we are making forward progress by talking but to me thats me going on a limb by allowing her a '2nd' chance and shes done nothing to reciprocate that short of tolerating me being in a **** mood for 3/4 of the last 2 weeks.
Are my rules irrational?
Am I expecting too much of her to get things moving forward?
Im just tired of being mad at the situation, Im willing to get over what has happened if I know it was the last time and shes willing to do what it takes to make things work.

EDIT: I guess its also worth noting that she had agreed to a msn convo with a prior EA partner recently and I had to snoop to find out about it, my impression that the topic was purely professional so I have little to worry about but I still feel a bit betrayed again since I had to find out rather than her telling me. when confronted she said shes told him its off and he agreed so she didnt think it was a big deal... I told her it goes against what i layed out and if she expects me to blindly trust her judgement than she should tell me now and i can save us both alot of time and effort.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

You placed an extraordinary amount of faith in her by leaving a job and moving for her. And she rewards you with betrayal.

My old man had a saying..."Dog bites you the first time, it's the dogs fault. Dog bites you again, it's your fault". She's done mauled your azz.

You're young. Time to move on. You've got a "mean dog" on your hands, and you WILL get bitten again.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Weary said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> Ok so I had pondered on what to do and after talking with some friends I have decided to try for a R. I know that this goes against what many of you fine folks have advised me of, but I want to be able to walk away from this with no regrets if things dont work.
> 
> ...


Dude!! What are you doing, she's not worth it! How many ways can she demonstrate this to you? She's obviously not ready for marriage. 

Food for thought: She hasn't even reached her sexual peak yet. 

What is your life gonna be like when she does? She's already giving you a preview. Thank her for that and move on. You're 24!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She pretty much already told you by her inaction what she thinks of the boundaries. 

You think you're weary now? Get back with her and find out how much more weary you are with a kid at home and wondering how late she'll be this time. 

Not tryin to be crude but I see several marriages in her future. You're the first. Won't be the last.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Her lack of effort and enthusiasm for recovery speaks volumes!!!:wtf:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The two weeks whithout talking about your rules is all you need to know. She just needed 5 minutes.

Go totaly dark on her. NC


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Her silence on the terms is her answer to them.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

just out of interest, how long are you planning to wait for her to 'answer'?

it's also a mistake to say that if the OM or anyone contacts her you should 'formulate replies together' - why would you want to do that? she shouldn't be in contact with any of them!

do you really want to spend the next however many years policing her every moment because that's what you're going to have to do, this one isn't a keeper my friend


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You have only had sex 7 times in your first year of marriage.

She had sex 3 times in 1 month with one the several OMs.

Dude, really? Your eyes have been opened and you've been strong, but your slipping back into denial here. You've seen her real life record during your relationship, she's a serial cheater. No amount of promises from her is going to change that. she promised to be true when she said her vows, and that didn't slow her down one little bit.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

we canot change his fate.
One day he is going to regret but by then tooo many bagages he may be carrying.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

W, remember that old saying " no fool like an old fool ".

You say you want to be able to say you gave it your all,,,,,, OK, you did, but you never said if SHE had to.

OR, are you just looking for reasons to stay ??

Dude, move on already.


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## escapesouth (Nov 17, 2012)

I had a similar situation Years ago, a cheating wife is no fun, i had at the time a 3 year old daughter. A big decision but I walked away and we divorced. Best decision I ever made.

There are way to many fish in the sea, keep on fishing till you find a keeper.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Ok so I had pondered on what to do and after talking with some friends I have decided to try for a R.


Can you describe me these "friends"? Are they happy in life? Are they successful people in their personal lives? Do they have happy long term relationships? Have they been cheated on several times, decided to do R and are seeking for external validation that they are not chumps for doing it? Are they religious fanatics that think marriage can not be undone for any reason?

What kind of arguments did they use to support you being with this woman?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

crazy big denial.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

STOP! This is your NEW Father from Germany! I was just about to end reading your post when you said the R work! NO, NO, No and that is final! Look, I was not around early in you life but I am back. Here is the problem. You think that being with this girl will make your life better and you want a normal happy life. No,it will not. She is Toxic,she is very damaged and she does not give a ship about you. All of the things that you have done are interesting so far but NOT life changing. You have been fed alot of HorseShip about life and marriage and women. You are not a moron, you are just uninformed on life, you need to get part of your act together, you are only 24, so you made a mistake! NO BIG DEAL! You can recover from this and you MUST! First Go back home, get a new job and do not talk to her. Second Speak to a lawyer about steps in getting a divorce from her and do not talk to her. Third Go to a gym and start boxing training, weight training and running. Start to get your head around the IDEA that you are OK and that your are starting a new life. Look at it as if you are an actor in a new role for a new film, you are going to do about fifteen to thirty films in your life, so get ready. Life is good if you watch out for TOXIC people and situations. If you write me off line, I will tell were you can meet some fun, crazy women. Now pull your head out of your wifes asö and make me proud! Good Luck and God Bless. David


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Let me get this straight, you set up your boundries and she hasn't responded...is that correct?

You desided to R with out talking to her about it?

I don't get it?


You get stabed in the back and instead of stopping the bleeding your self you ask the person who stabed you to stop the bleeding...thats nuts!!


Dude you need to run away from this crap..it will be up to your old lady to run just as fast and try to keep up...if not then let the distance grow and move one.

Stop chasing your chick, you just might find out she doesn't love you nearly as much as you love her. Hell maybe I'm wrong and once she see's you are letting her go she may turn a corner and start chacing you.


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## ilou (Oct 25, 2012)

This is a really good troll. You're sure putting a lot of time and money into something that you half-heartedly know will die.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Weary said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> Ok so I had pondered on what to do and after talking with some friends I have decided to try for a R. I know that this goes against what many of you fine folks have advised me of, but I want to be able to walk away from this with no regrets if things dont work.


I have never heard of anyone regret leaving a cheating spouse but I have heard some regret staying.


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