# HELP my present situation HELP



## ashamedhusband2012 (Dec 19, 2012)

me and my wife 30-28 have been married for 9 years next month no kids, no property
i havent been the best husband over the course of that time in ways that make me feel ashamed, i was never in touch with my feelings i coudnt express myself to her, in my mind i couldnt accept anything was wrong when a situation arose that made her angry, and i would close the door on her feelings, making her feel she was wrong for feeling the way she felt at times,,, we suffered strong communication issues,but like all marriages we had our ups and downs we did take trips together every year and for the most part we seemed like a happy couple we kissed and said i love you everyday eventhough lately our sex life had slowed down, 

on my bday in Oct she cooked me a nice meal and we had all my friends over it was a very special night for me that made me realize what i have/had,,, next day i told her i would make a change for the better, wich im very proud to say i did, i started making us breakfast every weekend , doing more chores around the house, taking it upon myself to take over some of here duties like feeding the dog, if i went out with friends i would come back home early, i quit smoking, i decided to spend more time with her, we carved a pumpking for halloween, ate oysters, went to the movies and hung out during the weekends 

november went by quite smooth and i can say that she felt happy, based on reading texts and her expressions towards me and she even bought a new piece of furniture for our apt

december was going well on the 10th she asked me for my dl # to add me to car insurance so i can drive the car too on the 

11th she went to meet up with one of her friends wich was fine i worked the evening of that day 

12th she texts me to tell me she will see another friend that night , i replied "damn when will you make time for us? im staying here at home by myself again"
she: "im sorry you feel that way" me:"should i be happy?" she:" id ont know how do you feel?" me:"well im upset" she:" im sorry you are upset" me:"well your are you telling me everything last minute, why? like yesterday too, why not make time for us?"
she:"well beacuse i need space i think, timing is not right ill call you later" me:"ok i love you what time r u calling me back? i love you"

she didnt txt i love you back,,, i went back home and immediantely bought flowers for her and waited for her to get home after she met up with her friend that night,,, when she cameback she said that she didnt love me anymore, tought we were going diff ways, didnt want the same things, couldnt see us having kids and that it was OVER, this came OUT OF THE BLUE for me since i had been trying so hard for her lately,,, my world was crushed,, she said she needed 1 night apart and went back to her friends house that night, i got the friends info in case of anything, told her i wanted to fight to save our marriage we cried but she didnt stay

13th trough text me telling her i love her, etc
she says she understands but she needs this and we would talk later,, she came home that night the same thing that it was over and that she felt this way for a while... we kissed and hugged but i couldnt stop crying she left again to a frineds house 

14th i told her i need to tell her how i feel i wrote it all down on this paper for her to come home it was important to me that she knows my emotions, she came gabbed the letter told me she would read it later, for me to give her the weekend i made her sit down and read it then she left again,, i txt after saying a bit more she txt ok, thank you

15th no contact

16th over txt i told her i saw a therapist offered me the # to hers
she said she would call later, when she did i told her she doesnt want to admit there is still hope i want to prove to her i can make her happy, etc.. she says sorry she knows all of this but she is not there anymore that she had made a desicion she sorry it comes to this but its whats right for her that she feels better being alone 

17th this time im on the offensive not crying and strong i tell her she needs to come by so we can speak so i can tell her with words face to face how i feel, she says she will be here 7pm before she gets here, she calls angry and to say she isnt coming for us to meet in a neutral place, she doesnt want me touching her and that her desicion is final,, i told her i accepted her desicion for her to come , i wouldnt touch her
she did and we talked i told her all of my efforts and my changes made her see that its a sincere change not a bull**** one, she awknoleges that says its unfortunate and that the wants me out by the end of january since the lease is in her name,, i tell her i cant since my finances arent good and i have a right to the apt as well since we are married and the earliest i could go would be april i also lost my job bcz the company closed, that im not a piece of paper she can just throw in the garbage,, she gets really angry and runs for the door i tell her more things, she breaks down crying tells me she really feels unapriciated through this whole time and her emotions come out
then she leaves with a bigger suitcase of clothes

18th i text and tell her how i finally get all she feels by describing situations its very sincere

19th i txt her to call me back, she replies "thank you for your words it helps me heal to know that you finally saw me, i wont call at lunch give me a few days please ( wich i will do i wont call or txt any more), i txt back saying that im a ashamed by the fool ive been, etc end of our conversation up until now



she hasnt taken off her wedding ring, she hasnt said divorce, we still talk, and she asked for a few days,,, im a dumb for still holding hope? im past the part of crying now i can sleep as well now, mostly its my fault the relationship is ****ed like this,, any hope left???? i still love her and i cant understand why she just left like this, after 8 years!!! x-mass is in a few days our 9th year wedding aniversary in less than a month!!!!!! i told her we could of talked planned an exit, etc,, things shouldnt be done this way selfishly and immature, but i have been immature in the past,,, a person doesnt stay this long with someone they dont love during oct, nov and dec she seemed genuily happy i really doubt she met someone else being that she is so ****ed up emotionally,,, what bother me the most though is the fact that i was trying so hard.... what should i do??????????????

UPDATE AND INFO I HAVE A NEW JOB,, AS FOR ANOTHER MAN BEING INVOLVED IM NOT SAYING ITS IMPOSSIBLE, BUT I SORT OF DOUBT IT, IF I CONFRONT HER ON IT I WILL LOSE HER??


----------



## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

First and foremost - you need to get yourself together as best as possible under these circumstances. She wants space, you give it to her: no phone calls, text messages, emails etc... Every time you reach out, you push her away a little further. 

Know that You are getting in the way of what ever she's up to. She is going to treat you as an obstacle to overcome to live a better life.

And please, don't be too hard on yourself. If this is the end, she played a heavy role in it as well. Don't put all the blame on yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

First and foremost - you need to get yourself together as best as possible under these circumstances. She wants space, you give it to her: no phone calls, text messages, emails etc... Every time you reach out, you push her away a little further. 

Know that You are getting in the way of what ever she's up to. She is going to treat you as an obstacle to overcome to live a "better life".

And please, don't be too hard on yourself. If this is the end, she played a heavy role in it as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

I agree with the other posters that you need to back off, but at the same time commend you for doing your share and finally telling her how you feel. My STBX is non-communicative as well, even after we had more than one conversation about how I can't keep living that way, two rounds of MC, and me saying I want a divorce. If he expressed love and concern and stepped it up way back then, he probably wouldn't be my STBX.


----------



## ashamedhusband2012 (Dec 19, 2012)

12/28/12 UPDATE

i found out that there isnt anyone else,, (thank god)
my wife is really damaged from all the **** ive put her trough all these years
she came for xmas ans we cooked a meal watched a movie, next night she came over again we had hot chocolate and watched another movie, i expressed my feelings again towards her in a sincere way, she was ok with letting me touch her and apologized for hurting me, she is still being tough on her desicion on wanting to separate, lately we have been talking and texting no problem, i told her i cant change the past i accept my mistakes and can only make the future better,, she feels humiliated and wants to feel proud,,, now im trying to do everything i can to show her a change,, going to the gym, stopped smoking, drinking, i told her i respect her desicion and that i understand she doesnt want to hear me say i love you everytime i see her or hug her, etc, i somewhat convinced her to move back in , and we can sleep in diff rooms,,,



also just so you guys know, i feel better than ever, motivated, optimistic, im no longer feeling in the dumps and my outlook on life changed in a very positive way, this made my love for her grow, i value and appreciate her more than ever,,,,,, i love her more now than i ever did !!
what should i do next???


----------



## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

ashamedhusband2012 said:


> 12/28/12 UPDATE
> i somewhat convinced her to move back in , and we can sleep in diff rooms,,,


Just curious.

Why would you want to spend your life with someone that you had to beg to live with you?


----------



## ashamedhusband2012 (Dec 19, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Just curious.
> 
> Why would you want to spend your life with someone that you had to beg to live with you?


no its not like that, sorry i didnt clarify that,, that would just be for 2-3 months till i find a place and i move out
im not going to beg her to stay with me i cant do that, it would only hurt my chances of getting her back


----------



## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

ashamedhusband2012 said:


> no its not like that, sorry i didnt clarify that,, that would just be for 2-3 months till i find a place and i move out
> im not going to beg her to stay with me i cant do that, it would only hurt my chances of getting her back


So, what is the point in "convincing" her to live there until you leave?


----------



## ashamedhusband2012 (Dec 19, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> So, what is the point in "convincing" her to live there until you leave?


well just so that she can see that indeed my changes are sincere, there are still many things i want to learn from her, and i cant deny myself that opportunity by begging and drowning her with i love yous 24/7 and give her a chance to see things differently, she isnt as pissed anymore and maybe, just maybe theres is still a chance that an opportunity will arise in wich i can regain her heart,,, if not i will leave kwnowing at least that i tried,,


----------



## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Convincing her to live there is only going to make her resent you, once she realizes she's still miserable.


----------



## ashamedhusband2012 (Dec 19, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Convincing her to live there is only going to make her resent you, once she realizes she's still miserable.


IF,, she is still miserable,, my hopes is that in that time i can make her see me differently and if i cant make her happy, thats ok, i just wanna give myself the chance and not live with regret,,

her mother wants me to fight for her, and hopes she will turn around,,,

happykat i dont know you but i respect you, im just looking for some positivity here, i know all the wrongs and im ready for them
like i said i feel better than ever, i feel like i could do anything now, i have some faith in god, and when a challenge is easy the rewards are small when its hard, the rewards are great,, and if i somehow fix this, i know our relationship will be 10x better 

but i dont know how, positive advice is what im looking for


----------



## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Good luck, sweetie.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Ashamed

While you are still living here why don't you see if she will go to marriage counseling?

I also think you should stress that if she was honest with you all those months ago you guys might be in a better place now or at least working n the issues.


Good luck


----------



## ashamedhusband2012 (Dec 19, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Ashamed
> 
> While you are still living here why don't you see if she will go to marriage counseling?
> 
> ...


not living with her


----------



## ashamedhusband2012 (Dec 19, 2012)

update 12/30

we spoke face to face, still havent had the opportunity to clear up all of the air though,, as soon as the convo reaches a certain point she always resorts to leaving,,

i told her i feel great, more determined, focused, etc than ever,
that i ilove her and if she would be willing to give me 2 months of her time, she has being staying at her friends (female, i know where she is) initially she said no (she is still pissed off), i told her i cant make her love me, and that all i want is to show her i am a man she can be married to i am working on so many changes in myself not to win her back, but as a promise i made to myself (wich is true),, and that after the 2 months we can review,, also i told her for me to get those 2 months i am willing to send her flowers to her job everyday (she didnt like that, lol) i can write her 1000 love letters, i can show up with a mariachi outside her friends house,,,, all of that beacuse she means that much to me, and in any situation in my life i am going to take the same approach do as much as i can and give it all ive got, and that i want the whole world to know how much i love her,,,, they way she left she didnt give me an option, so i wont give her one with this,,,, i will fight for those 2 months just out of respect for all of the sacifices, efforts, etc she has made in the past, and beacuse i love her


----------



## ashamedhusband2012 (Dec 19, 2012)

thank to everyone that has contributed to this thread i really appreciate it!!1

she said she will call later, i plan on telling her this

"just know that im not playing with your feelings its your life, i understand that , i cant control you,
i know you are hurt, and you dont want to be around me and you might even feel that your life with me is miserable with me, i wish i could get an opportunity to show you the life you want, the life a wonderful person like yourself deserves, you know that for you i would do anything,
maybe everything im doing to better myself you dont want to hear it, and it might even irritate you, beacuse if i can do it now, why didnt i do it before when it would of mattered?
i know you love me, but you are afraid that if you give me another chance the change wont last and it will go back to the same sh it and fail again, i know you dont want to take that chance, no matter what i say or do, beacuse you dont want to
i cant expect you to be nice to me right now, you are controlling my feelings, but im not mad that you are treating me this way after all of the years i treated you the same way,, just know that i love you and i am here for whatever you need, this is your home too, the door is always open for you"


any input????


----------

