# Emails and ex girlfriends



## chicksville (Mar 13, 2011)

I'm new to this site so please forgive me if I ramble on.

My husband and I have been married 2 years and together 5. We met through a friend who sadly died in October. At the funeral my husband met up with old friends that he had lost touch with over the years. One was an old girlfriend. At the wake we were and talking and catching up. I remember one girl saying that her husband couldn't make it because he had broken his leg and found it hard to travel because they now live about 150 miles away. There was lots of swopping phone numbers and promises to keep in touch. My husband had fallen out with some of the people over a miss understanding just before he met me and was very happy that everybody had seemed to forgive and move on.

About a month afterwards he was tapping away on his laptop which is rare, so I make a jokey remark and he said that he was emailing one of the old friends he had met up with at the funeral and wanted to keep in touch with them. I was happy that he was doing this because I knew that he had wanted to keep these friends. After a week or so I started to wonder what he was writing but only because he was starting to name drop but it was only one girl called Janine. I login in to his email and figured out his password. I felt really bad doing that, I have never been a snoop and had always trusted him, ever since I met him and he has given me no reason to doubt him.

There were two emails that he had sent and she had replied. At first it was just catching up and relaying events and birthdays of children. But then my husband had made a reference to something sexual that had happen between them years ago and before I met. It shocked me that he would do that. In her reply she had picked up on that but didn't really go into any detail but she did say that she thought that he was looking very fit and had not changed since she first knew him. The next email was much the same and but he had ended the email saying he hope she would move back to our area but for his own selfish reasons. I didn't like the idea of that either.

After another month, this was a months of me feeling paranoid and upset thinking he wanted her and not me. I had spoken to my husband about the emails, I made out I was just asking to show an interest. He told al mostly everything that he had put in and what she had said in reply but didn't mention the reference to their sexual past. I asked if she was an ex-girlfrend and he said no, they were just friends. Anyway, after a month I found more emails, this time there were 7 emails exchanged. There were more trips down sexual lane, all about their past. He was saying that he looked back on their time as exciting and precious and she agreed with him and said she thought about it often and that she finds him hard to resist and the fact that he had been then dating one of her friends made it very hard for her. She asked in one email if I was aware of there relationship, he said he had told me but had not said that their friendship had be sexual and that he didn't want to discuss it with me out of respect of their time together. That made me sick. The next time he dropped her name into a conversation I asked him how long he had known her and how they met. He said that she was in the group of friend that he had just met up with at the funeral, he said that he didn't go out with her but he knew that she really fancied him. I then asked out right, did you sleep with her. He looked very uncomfortable but said yes. I then said 'you slept with her but you didn't like her enough to have a relationship with her', again he said yes. He said that she had made it very plan that she liked him, he liked her and they slept together for a while then he put a stop to it because he met someone else. I didn't say anything else, if fact I didn't speak to him at all because I knew that I would regret anything I said. Later on we had a discussion about the emails and I told him that I didn't like that fact that he was emailing her because she might get the wrong idea and think that he was interested in her again and that makes it look like he is unhappy being with me. I said that if he is unhappy with me then we should talk about it and we can resolve any problems. He said that he is completely happy with me, we have a love little 2 year old boy that we both think the world of the we have an excellent marriage. He said he wants for nothing because he can see how much I do for him and he loves me more then anyone.

But the thing is I can't get past the emails. I check them every day, there has been none since but I'm not stupid, I know that he could be texting and calling her when I'm not around and this is really hurting me. I don't know if the contact has stopped. I can't and wont tell him that I have read his emails and I am to scared to check his phone just in case I find something. It would break me. He is an intelligent man and he knows that there is something wrong and I know he suspects that it is to do with his contact with this girl.

I lay wake most nights thinking about how I can stop it, I have though about writing a letter to myself pretending to be her telling me that my husband is unhappy with me and also texting my husband pretending to be her husband asking him not to contact her again. but I know that this is silly and would most likely blow up in my face.

I am I right to be getting this worried over these emails or am I being stupid. I feel like I'm going mad and have not been able to talk to anyone about this.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

I don't think your husband would like you emailing the same thing to one of your flames.

If that's the end of it and he's not texting or on the phone with her, he was probably just flirting and making an ass of himself with the former "friend".

But I also wouldn't be able to keep the secret that I'm checking his emails. The fact that you can get in to see them is sort of a clue he's not gatekeeping the information.

I think you need a frank discussion, including your peeping, and his flirting with a woman on email. If he's adamant that he's not cheating. Then he should show you text/phone history and whatever else you want to see to feel better. If you think he's come clean then I would try to get over it. 

You know him best. But if he's not concerned over your inability to get it off your mind, well then you have bigger problems. He needs to do a BIG apology and some affirmations on your couplehood.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Agree with Saffron!! Guys do this though I know many more that have than haven't and they always throw the "Hey, remember that time we did XXXXXX that was cool, huh!" " I miss those days"

I agree with the Saffron that you guys need to talk more and go down that road of prove it to me!!

As someone else said if you were emailing a ex boyfriend would he want you saying "Hey, remember when I did this to you or I miss those days when we did XXXXX?"

We all know his reply to that one!!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Chicks,

You have nothing to be ashamed of or regret for busting up your husbands little fantasy. Your husband was tip toeing into the deep ocean of an affair. It is a slippery slope that trips up many spouses. You were doing your job as vigilant wife protecting your marriage. Stand your guard. 

Your husband was getting a (as Affaircare says) zing from her attention. He may have thought it was just innocent flirtation. However the line was crossed. Married men can not have girlfriends, period. 

My wife met an old boyfriend from HS (25 year prior) for lunch with another of her girlfriends. I knew him and even had him over at my house years ago. They exchange email addresses and started "talking". I thought nothing of it. 6 months later they were meeting in hotels in a full blown PA. I let the door open. Never again.


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## chicksville (Mar 13, 2011)

thanks for your replies. I throught it was me being selfish and making to much of a big deal out of it. I'm scared to approach him over this because i don't want to start an arguement and spoil what we have together. Thats why i thinking about texting my husband and pretending to be her husband saying i know about their contact and asking him to stop. He does have number listed phone bills and like i said, i'm to scared to look throught his phone just incase i found something. I have told him that i don't like it and his response was that i keep in contact with my ex-husband and he has to live with that. I don't get on with my ex-husband and only have any contact with him because we have a son. Believe me if i never saw or heard from him again that would be to soon. But i feel this guiltly when my husband brings it up. I explanned to my husband that when i think of my ex-husband there is nothing pleasent to remember and i hate the fact that i still have to speak to him. When it comes to contacting her it's something he wants to do and there are those nice memories that they have together and that is the problem. Something else happened yesterday that i'm not sure i'm aload to discuss in this section but it all ties in so i will explan. I had never given a bj to anyone before my husband and i always considered it something speacial between us. We were talking about it in the car and i said that i been building up to him finishing in my mouth as i wanted to give him everything i could. He said it's not something he would ever do or ask of me because he is more than happy with what we do already. I personelly wanted to do it because i feel under threat of losing him. Any i did it and i was happy to do it and it was something like i said i had been building up to before these emails. Afterwards we were talking about it and i was all happy with myself thinking i had achived something and had given him a lot of pleasure. I hadn't swallowed anything and was thinking that i would build up to that over time. I asked if anyone else had done that and he said yes but again he hadn't ask for them to do that it was more that they had only done it because they wanted to keep him and were willing to do anything to achive that. They thorught it would make them seem more attractive to him. It was that bloody woman again. This made me feel cheap and angery, like i had lowered myself to her level. It's not the fact of what i did because i had planned to do it long before the emails but it's that she had done it beford me and swallowed. It makes me feel like she will always be better than me. He will always have that soft spot for her while in the mean time i'll be making him hate me by arguing over her. Am i getting this all wrong? Am i looking to far into this again or are these normal feeling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Rule number one in affair proofing, spouses cannot be "just friends" with former lovers. It is just to dangerous to the security of marriage. The fact that he had a sexual relationship with her is not something to take lightly. This is not an opinion but fact. F--kBook has been named in over 25% of all divorces just in America. 

Don't bury your head in the sand on this one. It is your right to safe guard your marriage. Check his phone text, log online and review his phone text logs. Check the computer for history and see if he has created an alias email. 

Lastly, there is underlying issue with your marriage and that is a whole another issue. However, you must remove "girlfriend" before anything else.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't work on your marriage if she is in the picture.
Tell him you won't live in an open marriage and mean it.


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## chicksville (Mar 13, 2011)

i confronted my husband yesterday and i told him that i knew everything. It started when i checked to see if there were anymore emails and there was an email from a website called CitySex welcoming him and asking him to up date his account. That was the last straw. I rang him because i was in the park with the dogs and told him i had found the email from the sex site, at first i was angry and denied it saying it was just spam mail but i said it had all your login username and password. He said he knew nothing about it. He then said to wait at the park and he would come and get me. While i was waiting i went back on to his emails and he had deleted the sex site email and some of the other ones from the other girl. I waited for 30 mins and he hadn't arrived i then called again and he hadn't left the house. I couldn't believe it. I said that i had read the emails he had sent to the girl and you could tell by the sound of his voice that he knew he was caught and he couldn't get out of it. He said he was on his way. An hour later he turned up. By car it's a 3 min drive. I told him everything i had found out and he was very sad and upset when he saw how distressed i was, i was even sick behind the car which was awful. I promised that it was over and it was just a silly flirty bunch of emails and he would never do it again. We both cried and talked for hours until we could talk about it anymore. We came home and spent the evening together and when we went to bed we spoke again but only a little. This morning when we woke up he was very very cold towards me, he told me i was not the girl he thought i was and he couldn't trust me anymore! The fact that i had read his emails and was able to log on to them showed that i was checking up on him. He said that he would only trust me so far again and that he couldn't sharing things with me anymore. I feel like i'm being punish and this whole thing is my fault. Is this normal behaviour? Is this how the guilty party always act? I'm being made to feel i'm the one who has caused all the problems. I feel like i'm fighting for my marriage more than ever. Please help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

It's NOT ok for him to tell you he doesnt know if he can trust you. You had every right to check his email account, you're MARRIED. That means you get access to stuff like that. Yes is is classic cheater script. What he did was TOTALLY WRONG and it sounds like he's acting like an arrogant arsehole. Get him to a counseller (marriage counseller) because he'll find it harder to play these childish games in front of him / her. He needs to own up to the **** he's caused. This is NOT OK and I would invistigate further.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

chicksville said:


> He said he was on his way. An hour later he turned up. By car it's a 3 min drive.


Priorities? far out, such disrespect, but then again he has shown you nothing but disrespect.



> This morning when we woke up he was very very cold towards me, he told me i was not the girl he thought i was and he couldn't trust me anymore! The fact that i had read his emails and was able to log on to them showed that i was checking up on him. He said that he would only trust me so far again and that he couldn't sharing things with me anymore.


That is outrageous. Tell him, NO way, you checked on him only because your gut told you something was wrong, and you were right. 

Stand strong and tell him in no way is he going to twist this into something you did wrong. Tell him if this is the type of man he is that you are not sure about your future together because you know you can't trust him, you know what he is capable of and the man you thought valued his family is obviously gone.

He can't share things with you any more??? I would tell him that if he isn't completely open, fully remorseful and willing to take complete responsibility for his actions then you aren't sure you even want to be married to him, because you can't be married to a liar and a cheat.



> and I feel like i'm being punish and this whole thing is my fault. Is this normal behaviour? Is this how the guilty party always act? I'm being made to feel i'm the one who has caused all the problems. I feel like i'm fighting for my marriage more than ever. Please help.


See what he's doing? making you feel like you have to fight to keep him, when he should be fighting to keep you, and let's face it if he doesn't have to fight to keep you, you have set the tone for the rest of your marriage, you might as well lay down in front of the door and let him wipe his feet on you.

No it is not normal, it is not OK and he is completely in the wrong. You are worth more then this. I would tell him that you deserve someone who loves you and puts you above everyone else, someone who has you in their heart and mind at all times. 

Please do not allow him to blame you and twist this so he can treat you like that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

chicksville said:


> This morning when we woke up he was very very cold towards me, he told me i was not the girl he thought i was and he couldn't trust me anymore! The fact that i had read his emails and was able to log on to them showed that i was checking up on him. He said that he would only trust me so far again and that he couldn't sharing things with me anymore. I feel like i'm being punish and this whole thing is my fault. *Is this normal behaviour?* Is this how the guilty party always act? I'm being made to feel i'm the one who has caused all the problems. I feel like i'm fighting for my marriage more than ever. Please help._Posted via Mobile Device_


This is VERY normal behavior from a cheater after they get found out/caught. The reason for that is that they project the blame onto you, away from them. It helps assuage the guilt in their mind by trying to justify what they've done. 

DO NOT accept the blame for what he did. You are not perfect, neither is he, but nobody MADE him do what he did. Did he email several women on the sex sites? What was he saying?

You need to stand your ground now. Don't let him walk all over you cause he got caught.


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