# Wife WILL NOT perform oral sex on me, has PHOBIA



## Born2Fi$h (Mar 17, 2013)

Hi,

First post here. My wife WILL NOT perform oral sex on me. In three years of marriage she has given me 

head *maybe* three times all of them she just opens her mouth in bed and wants me to stick it in her 

mouth she does't even suck its all teeth and last less than a minute and I give up because its 

horriable. On our first date she sucked me dry and would give me head first year of dating after that 

is it non existant. I feel that she set me up for marriage she trapped me. I’ve asked her about it 

several times and she always tells me its "gross". I have always told her that I would thoroughly wash 

my unit first (shower) and I would NEVER cum in her mouth. (I don’t even want to, I perfer cumming on 

her ass or belly)


It has become extremely frustrating, I'm unhappy that my loving beautiful wife is so irrational and 

phobic regarding this aspect of our sex life. Are there any guys out there who have successfully 

overcome an oral sex phobia with their SO? Therapy is probably not an option because as far as she is 

concerned there is no problem to be addressed. I dont want to be unfaithful, I have had women tell me 

they will do anything my wife won't do in an attempt to get some action but I haven't even considered 

it.

BTW, she is not interested recieving any oral sex and won't even let me try. She has not been sexually abused before she met me. Her objections seem to be entirely on aesthetic grounds.

TIA


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

What exactly does she find gross about it?

How did you approach the topic? Were you pressuring her or were you sensitive about it?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It wasn't gross while you were dating but after marriage it is gross. She tricked you mate. Put your foot down now and don't let it go on any longer. Hopefully some of the guys here will have some sort of action plan for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have the two of you been married?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How long have the two of you been married?


Looks like 3 years according to his post...


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Have you asked her what has changed from dating days to marriage?


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## Born2Fi$h (Mar 17, 2013)

She says taste. Precum taste. Offered flavored things won't let me. She says nothing's changed just doesn't like it. I have approached it both ways no luck.



tracyishere said:


> What exactly does she find gross about it?
> 
> How did you approach the topic? Were you pressuring her or were you sensitive about it?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Holland said:


> It wasn't gross while you were dating but after marriage it is gross. She tricked you mate. Put your foot down now and don't let it go on any longer. Hopefully some of the guys here will have some sort of action plan for you.


:smthumbup::iagree: very logical!


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## StillSad (Nov 30, 2012)

Next time she refuses to give you oral, tell her you will give her an Angry Pirate.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

What is the status of the rest of your sex life in general? 

How does your current sex life with your wife compare to your earlier one? Are you having sex as often? Is it as varied? Does she seem as enthusiastic now as she was then?

The oral thing may just be a symptom of a bigger problem that you aren't seeing.

Generally, when a woman is into her man, she is willing to push the boundaries. When she isn't, the boundaries get pulled in.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your wife doesn't have an oral sex phobia, she has a bait & switch plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Your wife doesn't have an oral sex phobia, she has a bait & switch plan.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This.

She isn't phobic and it probably has little to nothing to do with the taste. She just doesn't care about your needs and she won't be bothered.

The problems in your marriage only start at the lack of oral. That's the tip of the proverbial iceberg.


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## JWilliams (Jul 2, 2012)

I am sort of in the same boat. Wife doesn't is afraid to do it anymore. A few times while we were dating, then a few times after we were married she would finish and swallow. 

The next day and a half she would have a sore throat. Now she is afraid to do it because of this. However, it doesn't happen if she doesn't swallow. 

She also says it the taste, wearing a flavored condom wasn't very pleasurable. It felt so odd and unnatural.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

StillSad said:


> Next time she refuses to give you oral, tell her you will give her an Angry Pirate.


Biggest laugh I had all week. You learn something new every day.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Your wife doesn't have an oral sex phobia, she has a bait & switch plan.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup::iagree: totally agree with this.

Just to be safe, find a good divorce lawyer. Never be caught unprepared.

If you're not careful and put a stop right away....First it's "no blowjobs". Next will be "no sex". Then, it will grow into "you doing your duties as a husband but she does nothing about her duties as a wife". That's slavery.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> :smthumbup::iagree: totally agree with this.
> 
> Just to be safe, find a good divorce lawyer. Never be caught unprepared.
> 
> If you're not careful and put a stop right away....First it's "no blowjobs". Next will be "no sex". Then, it will grow into "you doing your duties as a husband but she does nothing about her duties as a wife". That's slavery.


Well,you have to ask can you live with your wife just saying no and not willing to bend forever?

Does she say no in other parts of your marriage?
Is this a deal breaker for you?
What would she do if you told her you want a divorce because of her selfishness?

If shes not willing to try to bend then
you have your answer.

Better to divorce her, than staying married and being unhappy,frustration and resentment worse as the years
go by.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

If she won't give you the things she allowed you to think she would, find someone who will. And tell her you're going to find someone who will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Your wife doesn't have an oral sex phobia, she has a bait & switch plan.


She probably does have somewhat of a phobia; there'd be no reason to not do it now if it wasn't a big deal - simply to stay on his good side.

Definitely there is a bait and switch here, as she was able to identify it as a phobia (which, by definition, is unreasonable) and put it aside before, but cannot be bothered now.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

My wife was exactly like that! Unfortunately I wouldn't recommend what fixed it in our relationship. She had an affair and I found out she basically sucked the color off the OM's crayon. That's about the only good thing to come (pun intended) out of that whole situation, if you can call it good. But the jig was up. I mean "tell me you can't do it now!". The point being: I always thought it was a lot of selfish BS and this proved it. Now all a sudden she has no issues with It. Go figure.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It could be bait and switch. It could be that something happened once like she hot her gag reflex, you passed gas, there was an odor. 
Does she have any OCD tendencies in other areas? 
I feel for you, I'm in the same boat and we ended up in MC over it. Basically he had a bad experience once and has OCD and now he is freaked out. 
I have had to come to a place of trying to deal with it out of love instead of selfishness. It's incredibly difficult because I love getting oral and he used to love giving it. 
I think you need to have a conversation about this outside the bedroom and be kind and calm. Find out as much as you can about what changed. 
If you have to, go to a sex therapist to figure out if this is selfishness or a true aversion. 
Of its truly selfishness I'm guessing she will do it rather than pay to talk to someone about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

HarryDoyle said:


> My wife was exactly like that! Unfortunately I wouldn't recommend what fixed it in our relationship. She had an affair and I found out she basically sucked the color off the OM's crayon.


:rofl: :rofl: :lol:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

JWilliams said:


> I am sort of in the same boat. Wife doesn't is afraid to do it anymore. A few times while we were dating, then a few times after we were married she would finish and swallow.
> 
> The next day and a half she would have a sore throat. Now she is afraid to do it because of this. However, it doesn't happen if she doesn't swallow.
> 
> She also says it the taste, wearing a flavored condom wasn't very pleasurable. It felt so odd and unnatural.


I don't understand why she can't give and not swallow? You can reassure her that you never cum in he mouth. 

Can you use thin condoms instead of flavored one's? You can have fun with different flavors. Even if it feels unnatural use the condom as a starting point. 

You never know, she may decide to try with out it once she gets used to it with a thin condom. If you don't start somewhere it will never happen. At lest there is a chance.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I agree that it most likely not a phobia but stems from an unfavorable experience. I also think your W is not aware of how much you desire this. I would suggest you approach it in a very sexy way instead of just asking for it. I would try whispering something erotic in her ear. Something that will turn her on just thinking about it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> I don't think this will work nor has it ever worked. It is advice frequently given but I have never read of a man who posted a happy ending.
> 
> I think that some men get into a fog, they forget that their partner is a human with feelings. The wife is not an object with a mouth that they want to use.
> 
> ...


Will have to agree to disagree on this one as the OP reads to me that his wife gave him BJs before marriage and then stopped after, to me that is being dishonest. 

I didn't see the OP say he demanded them at all but he is confused as to why she did them pre marriage and not now. TBH I think it is a very valid question he has. Either she tricked him or she no longer sees his needs as that important, either way he has a problem and it won't go away by ignoring it.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I don't think this will work nor has it ever worked. It is advice frequently given but I have never read of a man who posted a happy ending.
> 
> I think that some men get into a fog, they forget that their partner is a human with feelings. The wife is not an object with a mouth that they want to use.
> 
> ...


So, you suggest that he just blow it off? If this is a bait and switch (meaning she gave the bj's until she had his trust, then stopped), isn't this akin to rewarding bad behavior? What about the possibility she becomes enboldened and cuts back sex altogether, or pulls a quick one in some non-sexual regard?

I disagree that imposing negative consequences is guaranteed to fail. It can work; it did for me (at least an attempt to improve was made). Granted the odds of success are not great. But that is due to the mindset of the refuser, not the approach. Once the bj's or sex stops, nothing works well to bring it back.

However, doing nothing to challenge the change in bedroom activities has a zero % chance of working. If the OP does not object, make a stink, do a 180, etc. he will not get them again - guaranteed.

Also, you talk about how he can't really love her if he gets a BJ knowing she disliked them. My thoughts are: first, although it's likely they aren't her favorite thing, it's not for certain she strongly dislikes them. It could be a mild dislike (remember that she did them for at least a year - it could not be that bad). Also, it could be a power play or sh!t test. Either way, wanting things back to the way they were does not mean he does not love her. If he did not care, he'd be gone way before now.

Second, you forget that this is as much a respect issue as a love issue. The OP may see this as a situation where he thinks "she needs to come through on her promises", which is understandable.

It's also noteworthy that you are blaming the OP for his wife's reactions to a perfectly normal sex act. She stops the bj's, so if he insists on them he must not love her. You completely bypass the fact she does not have to register her dislike of them. She can make them a "loving sacrifice" that she does for him, as he no doubt does stuff he does not like for her.

Third, maybe he does feel less love for her now that she put the brakes on the bj's. Guys with decent sex drives take the act of promising themselves to one lady very seriously. It's very possible that he's pulling away now and doesn't care as much about her preferences as he once did. And, there's nothing wrong with that - if it's understandable that a guy would not like a lady enough to be with her if the sex is bad, it's understandable that a guy would fall out of love a bit.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

DTO it is obvious from my 2 post that I don't want him to toss it off. That's what you want me to say so you have a target to attack. 

I know it is not popular to bring any other factors into the discussions about oral sex except the bait and switch stuff. 

I just dont see that as helpful. Perhaps you can enlighten me. If you guess the motives behind a persons behavior, you are more likely to get it wrong. 

We don't know why she changed, she won't tell him. Let's assume she not evil and offer him suggestion that may work. 

It sounds like he still loves her and i am certain that he would not want strangers to disrepect her by thinking the worst of her. 

At lest i hope a he has not fallen out of love over oral sex but, you never know. 

Several women posted that they did not like to give bj early in their relationship but latter changed. I too did refused to do it when I first got married. 

Since i changed in my marriage, I think I am in a better position than you to offer some positive advice. You don't have to agree but at lest find something I actually posted to disagree with, if you can.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Several women posted that they did not like to give bj early in their relationship. I too did refused to do it when I first got married.
> 
> Since i changed in my marriage, I think I am in a better position than you to offer some positive advice.


You're not in a better position to post about it because it's not the same situation as yours. In this thread the poster _specifically stated she did give oral early in the relationship and then stopped giving it later in the relationship._

That's why the bait and switch theory has so much merit.

It's all about sucking him in and then.. well, not sucking him.

So unfair.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Holland said:


> It wasn't gross while you were dating but after marriage it is gross. She tricked you mate. Put your foot down now and don't let it go on any longer. Hopefully some of the guys here will have some sort of action plan for you.





Holland said:


> Will have to agree to disagree on this one as the OP reads to me that his wife gave him BJs before marriage and then stopped after, to me that is being dishonest.
> 
> I didn't see the OP say he demanded them at all but he is confused as to why she did them pre marriage and not now. TBH I think it is a very valid question he has. Either she tricked him or she no longer sees his needs as that important, either way he has a problem and it won't go away by ignoring it.


No he did not say he demanded bj, that's why you suggested it. It is likely that I misinterpreted what I highlighted in red. My post was in response to your first post. That is obvious because I quoted your post.

Perhaps it would help if you can explain exactly what action he should take by "putting his foot down". Furthermore, what action are you suggesting by "don't let it go on any longer". 

Sounds too aggressive for a sexual act in a loving relationship, no? I don't want to make any more guesses so please explain.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Born2Fi$h said:


> now with children sex is the lady thing on her mind her sex drive has dropped significantly in the last 2 years. She says she has no drive or desire does what she can (spread
> Em) so i won't cheat on her.


So its not just BJs its ALL sex.

Welcome to the wonderful world of marriage.

Some day when you cheat on her or (preferably) leave her she'll be like "I can't understand why he did that I was EVERYTHING he wanted me to be!".

Yeah ok


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

So this has nothing to do with an Oral sex phobia.

It's about her not wanting to have sex with you at all.

The thread title is rather misleading.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Born2Fi$h said:


> Everything else is fine
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Born2Fi$h said:


> Only missionary is all she will let me do now and it's like hurry I'm tired I want to go to sleep u got 5 mins
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry but this is kind of a contradiction.


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## Born2Fi$h (Mar 17, 2013)

All her ex's have cheated on her because of lack of sex she just told
Me this we just got in argument 10 mins ago I told her ok going to give her an angry pirate lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Born2Fi$h said:


> Me this we just got in argument 10 mins ago I told her ok going to give her an angry pirate lol.


That will fix everything.

:smthumbup:


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Born2Fi$h said:


> Was Fine until last week





Born2Fi$h said:


> sex drive has dropped significantly in the last 2 years. She says she has no drive or desire


Your thread is making less sense with every post you make.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Born2Fi$h said:


> All her ex's have cheated on her because of lack of sex she just told
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Damn dude she trapped you.


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## Born2Fi$h (Mar 17, 2013)

She said sex is reserved for reproduction
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Born you have known her for 3+ years and this is the first time she said this? 

Why did she marry a man so incomparable with her? Why did she decieve you? What did she expect would happen when she got married? 

I am so sorry this has happened to you. 

Don't drink. Consider your situation and what you want to do. Let her know and prepare yourself emotionally for the changes you will likely have to make.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

just do what i did wife gave bj's all time to me till about a year ago then they dried up, asked her why she really couldnt give answer. so after a year i said what the heck, she said it was gross really i said fine dont try im done i understand (she did do oral as foreplay) 

as soon as i said i was done she then went out of her way to do it (refused for the first month ended in sex) till once it just happened and now once every 2 weeks


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Born2Fi$h said:


> She said sex is reserved for reproduction


That's not a good sign.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> No he did not say he demanded bj, that's why you suggested it. It is likely that I misinterpreted what I highlighted in red. My post was in response to your first post. That is obvious because I quoted your post.
> 
> Perhaps it would help if you can explain exactly what action he should take by "putting his foot down". Furthermore, what action are you suggesting by "don't let it go on any longer".
> 
> Sounds too aggressive for a sexual act in a loving relationship, no? I don't want to make any more guesses so please explain.


Yes you have misrepresented what I said. I did not say force her to give BJ's. 

The Op said his wife would not go to MC because she doesn't think there is a problem. There is a problem, she is now not meeting his needs and going by his post his wife can't see the problem.

Putting his foot down means take some action, do something about this problem before it becomes worse. I then went on to say some of the men here may be able to offer some sort of action plan, no that does not included forcing anyone to do anything. I would never suggest that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You aren't gnna win this one brother. Once a woman decides you are no longer worthy she'll cut off all the kinky sex and serve ip nothing but boring over-easy sex. 

Go to a sex shop and buy yourself one of those air pump thingamajigs and use that. Short of divorcing her its the best option you have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> DTO it is obvious from my 2 post that I don't want him to toss it off. That's what you want me to say so you have a target to attack.
> 
> I know it is not popular to bring any other factors into the discussions about oral sex except the bait and switch stuff.
> 
> ...


I really did not know where you were going with your earlier advice. And, I guess "dropping it" was a poor choice of words. But the soft approach you are advocating is tantamount to letting it drop in terms of effectiveness.

You say the wife will not discuss her reasons for refusing to do oral, and she thus deserves the benefit of the doubt. I strongly disagree. It's bad enough that she refuses; that she refuses to even discuss the issue suggests:

1) She does not have a good reason for refusing ("I don't like it" doesn't count as a good reason at this point) and says nothing. 

2) She does not intend to try hard to overcome this issue. And, yes, she should try hard to overcome this issue.

I am not trying to guess her motives. It's just the opposite. Her rrefusing to discuss the problem is strong evidence that she's not really interested to resolving this matter. At that point, she is his adversary, and to him it should not matter why. A good response from the OP would be:

"You know that your one-sided decision to stop providing oral is unfair and a big deal to me. I reached out to see if we could figure this out and move forward, but you refused. You don't have to work with me, but you do have to fix it. I won't just let it slide and you refusing to work with me puts it all on you."

Lastly, it seems you would think less of the OP if his feelings about his wife changed over sex. Why is that? Sex in the relationship is very important to most people. Thus, it's reasonable to expect that a change in sex would trigger a change in the attraction level.

If the OP knew his wife was either not all that into sex, or not that into him, he might have decided to not marry her in the first place. Most of us here would agree that such a lack of physical attraction is a good reason to end a relationship. So, how is it that now he is supposed to overlook that and feel the same about her? Thinking that sex should matter less because they've been together a while is naive and unfair to the OP.

At the end of the day, I don't see a good reason for her to not provide oral since she did it consistently in the beginning. It is almost a guarantee that he is not the source of her refusal (if he was, she certainly would have told him). He should not be penalized because she doesn't feel like it or has had a change of heart (both of which are out of his control).


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Born2Fi$h said:


> She said sex is reserved for reproduction
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


According to who? Here is a link to a blog post on the morality of a sexless marriage. Yea, it is from the Bible. For those not into religion--sorry. The point is, even the Bible says sex isn't just for reproduction. Your positon--that sex should be an integral and regular part of marriage--is actually the Biblical position.

Men Save Your Sexless Marriage: The Immorality of a Sexless Marriage



> The Immorality of a Sexless Marriage
> 
> Men that push their wives for sex often complain they feel not only guilty, but immoral for doing so; that they feel like they are living down to the phrase "all men are pigs." Well, here's a little insight--from the Bible.
> 
> ...


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## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> . It could be that something happened once like she hot her gag reflex, you passed gas, there was an odor.
> [/size]


Yeah, I agree. My first girlfriend liked to do 69. Lets just say that her other hole had a little brown sauce on it. I still remember the smell, and it has been like 20 years from now. I am afraid that I am scarred for life and will never do a 69.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Blue Firefly said:


> According to who? Here is a link to a blog post on the morality of a sexless marriage. Yea, it is from the Bible. For those not into religion--sorry. The point is, even the Bible says sex isn't just for reproduction. Your positon--that sex should be an integral and regular part of marriage--is actually the Biblical position.
> 
> Men Save Your Sexless Marriage: The Immorality of a Sexless Marriage


That was a GOOD write up for any so called christian woman who wants to hold on that







- trying to weasel her way out of having emotionally connected sex with her husband, whom she stood at the alter & said she would love honor and cherish.

A good woman would let a man go - if she can not provide for him in this way...or refuses....if not, he has every right to divorce her and not have a pang of guilt over it.. Just hope there is no children involved, I didn't read all the posts on this thread, just kinda jumped in, seems it has become more about a Sexless marriage -than the BJ bait & switch. Both utterly reprehensible. 








*is an EMOTIONAL NEED*.... a Sexless marriage (defined as 10 or less times a year by Sex therapists) is more than a deal breaker to me...Read this article >>

Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband

And one can learn the deepness that is rarely articulated by reading from another who's had it RIPPED from her life... 

"*Some nights, sex is all I can think about. I ache to be desired and wanted, to give way to joy and abandon. There is no substitute for the moment when your lover reaches out for you with passion, or with love*."... 







This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like - And yet


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## JWilliams (Jul 2, 2012)

F it... Just go to craigslist lol


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