# Fantasies in relationships



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is another thread here from a woman who (with good reason) finds her husbands fantasies, and in particular her pushing of those fantasies to be a huge problem. I didn't want to derail that thread, so I'm starting a new one on in general how to approach fantasies in a loving relationship.

My feelings:

Each person should feel comfortable sharing their fantasies. These can be "real" fantasies (something that they might actually want like a 3-some), or "imaginary" fantasies (like a 3-some with a vampire and a werewolf).

When someone hears a fantasy I think there are a few reasonable responses:

1) Yes - lets try it.

2) Not now, but feel free to ask again some other time.

3). Maybe not quite that but how about "B" instead.

4). No thanks, that isn't my thing. With this response, the person acting should not ask again unless a VERY long time has gone by (at least several years). If the recipient changes their mind, and wants to try , they can do so.



Things I'd recommend avoiding:

Responding with: No you sick "XYZZY". I'd try to avoid a really negative reaction unless it is really horrific. otherwise #4 should be fine.

Asking repeatedly. If someone says they don't want to do something, asking again and again is not going to make things better.

Sulking: clearly bad - though sometimes understandable if your partner turns down a wide range of reasonable things that you ask for. 


Final thought: If you don't mind, satisfying a partner's fantasy can be a really wonderful thing to do for them. Don't do it if you really don't want, but be open minded. 


Other people's thoughts on this? Are there some types of fantasies that should NEVER be brought up?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> There is another thread here from a woman who (with good reason) finds her husbands fantasies, and in particular her pushing of those fantasies to be a huge problem. I didn't want to derail that thread, so I'm starting a new one on in general how to approach fantasies in a loving relationship.
> 
> My feelings:
> 
> ...


 @uhtred
That is a very reasonable and rational post, especially in terms of responses that won't threaten the openness required here. Very nicely done. 

I would like to add one other alternative that precedes the responses--that the sharer of the fantasy might simply say this is just a fun thought, not something I would ever actually want to try (for most folks, most fantasies probably fall into this category). That way, the receiver knows up front no response is necessary, and it can make it less threatening.

I would also like to add another option for responses. (maybe this is actually part of your response #3). Let's "approximate" that fantasy. I kind of read #3 as doing something different, but maybe you meant it to include adhering to the basic fantasy but with modifications. 

For instance, my wife shared a fantasy about putting on a strip show in which a group of faceless but obviously successful (nice suit and tie types) cant help but break it out and toss off to her show, after which she finishes herself and leaves the stage. Now she would never dream of actually doing such a thing, nor would I accept it--but I'm happy to modify a room in our house to look the part, and to myself play the part of the rich dude who can't contain himself in her presence. 

Personally, I'd do just about anything my wife thinks she might enjoy, so long as it doesn't have a high risk of death or dismemberment, or involve the participation of a third party.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Agree with all that. That is what I was thinking of for #3 but didn't describe it well. I think there are a lot of fantasies that can be play-acted in a safe and fun way. 



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> @uhtred
> snip
> I would also like to add another option for responses. (maybe this is actually part of your response #3). Let's "approximate" that fantasy. I kind of read #3 as doing something different, but maybe you meant it to include adhering to the basic fantasy but with modifications.
> 
> ...


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## biwing (Feb 2, 2017)

I would like to suggest that a modification to the OP's #2 would be to " ...... not now but lets talk about it for a while."

This is how my wife and I approach our sexual fantasies. We then discuss the subject until either we decide to procede or to table it until it comes up again in the future or drop it for good. Sometimes we've discussed a fantasy for several years, off and on, trying to get to a mutual decision that each is satisified with.

We have acted on several of our fantasys in this manner and have had 49 years of satisifying marital bliss!


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I can see some people having fantasies that they should keep to themselves. Anything involving pedophelia, necrophelia, or anything like that is probably best kept to yourself or shared with your shrink. Some taboo subjects - incest, animal stuff - are other areas where a person should tread with extreme caution.

My wife and I have never been big fantasy sharers. We tried some role playing stuff, but neither of us was into it. I have no desire for groups and she's never hinted at any similar desire. My fantasies are generally the two of us in exotic locations or post-retirement or reminiscing about past times. I'm sure that we seem like incredibly dull people, but we're really quite happy with each other.


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## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

FalCod said:


> I can see some people having fantasies that they should keep to themselves. Anything involving pedophelia, necrophelia, or anything like that is probably best kept to yourself or shared with your shrink. Some taboo subjects - incest, animal stuff - are other areas where a person should tread with extreme caution.


Agreed. There is no reason to share everything in your head with your partner. Obviously some things need to stay fantasies. Some things really need to stay in your brain and should NOT be expressed in any way, either with your partner or anyone else, for that matter (except a shrink if they bother you). Some guys can't figure this out and it never, ever goes well - the other thread being a case in point.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Disclaimer: if it involves ****ing the dog then keep it to yourself!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife suffers from Psuedologia Fantastica. She was unable to consciously, or intentionally, think about sex for 25 years, locked in a psychological prison. When her shrinks finally found the key to open that prison door my wife began sharing with me the fantasies that had grown in her mind, just out of her conscious reach, over those years. 

I know I used to have fantasies of my own, but I don’t recall what they were.

She certainly puts the Fantastica part into her diagnosis.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FalCod said:


> *I can see some people having fantasies that they should keep to themselves.* Anything involving pedophelia, necrophelia, or anything like that is probably best kept to yourself or shared with your shrink. Some taboo subjects - incest, animal stuff - are other areas where a person should tread with extreme caution.
> 
> My wife and I have never been big fantasy sharers. We tried some role playing stuff, but neither of us was into it. I have no desire for groups and she's never hinted at any similar desire. *My fantasies are generally the two of us in exotic locations or post-retirement or reminiscing about past times. I'm sure that we seem like incredibly dull people, but we're really quite happy with each other.*





Notself said:


> Agreed. *There is no reason to share everything in your head with your partner. Obviously some things need to stay fantasies. Some things really need to stay in your brain and should NOT be expressed in any way, either with your partner or anyone else,* for that matter (except a shrink if they bother you). Some guys can't figure this out and it never, ever goes well - the other thread being a case in point.[/QUOTE
> 
> Yes and no.
> 
> ...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

eric1 said:


> Disclaimer: if it involves ****ing the dog then keep it to yourself!


Creative role playing can handle just about anything. 

There is a famous scene in the TV show the Sopranos where Tony is banging a stripper at the Club and the two of them are making barking noises while doing "it." They are both laughing and having what seems like a great time. A real dog.....no that would be just so wrong, one or both dressing up or pretending to be dogs......if done with love or humor, why not?


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## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> If you can't discuss your sexual fantasies, especially those that a not trivial number of others seem to enjoy, with your spouse, then who can you discuss them with?


I respectfully disagree. SOME fantasies should not be shared with anyone. 



> If you love someone and respectfully share your deepest darkest sexual secret in a respectful way, they should take that as a statement in extreme trust and faith in you, not that you are a sick pervert.


It really depends on what your deepest, darkest fantasy is. If it's something relatively mainstream like a threesome, it's probably fine - depending, of course, on the sensitivity and sex-positivity of your partner.

But stuff like bestiality, mutilation, or, god forbid, pedophilia? VERY FEW relationships would be able to withstand the revelation of those types of fantasies, unless you have 100% solid proof that your partner is 100% down and cool with extremely transgressive fantasies.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

There seems to be a confusion. Some seem to think the sharing of a fantasy somehow might equate a desire to make a fantasy into a reality.

Certainly I never assumed there was any interest in moving from simple sharing of fantasies towards any reality. Personally I think no one should ever think a fantasy shared is any indication of a desire for a real life experience.

Perhaps a partner avoiding jumping to the conclusion a fantasy is the same as a desire in real life is vital in order for someone to feel secure in sharing fantasies.


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## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Perhaps a partner avoiding jumping to the conclusion a fantasy is the same as a desire in real life is vital in order for someone to feel secure in sharing fantasies.


I do agree with this. However, even in the case of such an understanding, I still don't believe most marriages would be able to survive a revelation of really out-there, oddball, "sick" fantasies.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Completely agree. Animal *fantasies* are not that rare. (Furry conventions are not just about dressing up....). 

Many fantasies can be acted out safely - but of course only if both parties want to do so. 

I think that people should feel comfortable telling their partners about even very extreme fantasies as long as the don't pressure them to *act* on those fantasies. 




Young at Heart said:


> Creative role playing can handle just about anything.
> 
> There is a famous scene in the TV show the Sopranos where Tony is banging a stripper at the Club and the two of them are making barking noises while doing "it." They are both laughing and having what seems like a great time. A real dog.....no that would be just so wrong, one or both dressing up or pretending to be dogs......if done with love or humor, why not?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The things you list aren't all that rare - just not talked about. 

Furry conventions are full of people who have some level of beast fantasy - but just act it out in costumes. 

Mutilation may not be common but force / rape / violent fantasies are. 

Pedo fantasies: Schoolgirl costumes, calling a partner "daddy", to some extent even spanking (quite a common sort of play) had a strong age-play component. 


The great majority of people don't *want* to act on these fantasies for real, but quite a lot enjoy them in play. "I've been a bad girl and need a spanking" - isn't exactly a pedo fantasy, but its close. You don't spank adults.


Of course for fantasies like this it needs to be made clear that its not *real*. Eg, "lets have you pretend rape me" is OK, but "lets kidnap someone and rape them" is not. 


On problem is that some people are just not into fantasy at all. I know my wife really doesn't understand the whole concept - to her sex is just a set of physical actions, why wrap them in some sort of game?






Notself said:


> I respectfully disagree. SOME fantasies should not be shared with anyone.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Notself said:


> I respectfully disagree. SOME fantasies should not be shared with anyone.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think we will agree to disagree. I like to know my partners thoughts. 

Yes, I would never think bestiality, mutilation, or pedophilia in real life are should become a "reality." But as I pointed out, a consenting couple having sex doggy-style and barking and laughing and playing doesn't seem like an abomination. If my wife said to me that she wanted to be F'd by a dog or like a female dog in heat, I might laugh, but I would volunteer to be her stud anytime she wanted to play that game. If roles were reversed, I hope my wife would volunteer to be my animal partner. Sex should be playful and involve humor, too often it is taken too seriously.

So let's take a look at a few of the 55 most common sex fantasies of men and women. I'll wager some of them will surprise you. I don't think I would want to make any of the following happen in reality, but in the privacy of one's home with a consenting spouse.....why not. The key in my mind is that both agree and know that the fantasy will never become a reality outside the home and only with the spouse. If that trust isn't there, then there are bigger problems.

Petting with a total stranger in a public place (e.g., metro)	19.8	48.4
Sexually abusing a person who is drunk, asleep, or unconscious	10.8	22.6
Showing myself naked or partially naked in a public place	16.6	23.2
Spanking or whipping someone to obtain sexual pleasure	23.8	43.5
Tying someone up in order to obtain sexual pleasure	41.7	48.4
Watching someone undress without him or her knowing



> The top 55 most common sexual fantasies for both men and women have been revealed, offering an insight into the differences between both genders’ sexual kinks.
> 
> A survey conducted by the Journal of Sexual Medicine highlighted what kinds of sexual fantasies are held by males and females, with “feeling emotions during a sexual relationship” charting the highest with both sexes, closely followed by oral sex and “sex in unusual places.”
> 
> ...


Read more at Top 55 Most Common Sexual Fantasies Revealed - CraveOnline

Even if something isn't mainstream, but it is a spouses fantasy, I would want to know what it is. I might not want to do it, but still I would want to know, especially if I might be able to do something that I would be willing to do that could allow them to at least partially experience their desire.

When my wife and I were in sex therapy, one of the suggestions of the sex therapist was to share with each other the "best sexual experiences" of our life and then try to have your partner relive them with you. The idea was that this is something your conscious and subconscious mind ranked up there as one of the best experiences of your life. Allowing your spouse to do it with you until they owned that experience would allow the positive feelings to be transferred to them, if they didn't already own it and allow you to realize that you could relive such wonderful things any time you wanted with your partner.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

How interesting.

My wife started using that “own it” statement after she started therapy. I have wondered occasionally where she might have picked that up. I thought it didn’t seem professional enough to come from her shrinks.

But now I have to wonder if maybe it was one of her shrinks who used it.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I think we have to judge our fantasies. For instance if I fantasised about a threesome or an immoral encounter I know that would be wrong let alone bring it into my marriage as a fantasy. We are entitled to reject wrong fantasies. I used to fantasise about being spanked by a woman. I knew it was wrong but it kept coming back at certain times. The solution was to ask my wife to do it which she was comfortable about. That was the end of the adultrous fantasy. I think we have to be based in reality. My wife has to be my wife not pretending to be someone else as that can be a mental adultery. I think harbouring and nursing a wrong fantasy can lead to us actually doing it at the expense of our marriage if we are not careful.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It is a very positive thing - when your partner is able to open up and share their inner world. 




Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> @uhtred
> That is a very reasonable and rational post, especially in terms of responses that won't threaten the openness required here. Very nicely done.
> 
> I would like to add one other alternative that precedes the responses--that the sharer of the fantasy might simply say this is just a fun thought, not something I would ever actually want to try (for most folks, most fantasies probably fall into this category). That way, the receiver knows up front no response is necessary, and it can make it less threatening.
> ...


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I have been blessed with a wife who is willing to try anything once. She is like me and wants to experience sex in all its forms. Some fetishes we like and others we do not, but at least we tried. My wife even invited her girlfriends into our bed for threesomes without me asking for that. Then she revealed she realizes she is bi and moved in her BFF, also bi and shared her with me. Like my wife our girlfriend was willing to try anything once. We have had a great sex life for the last 46 years as a result. Most people cannot name one fetish we have not tried. 

I believe that you should marry a girl who is sexually adventurerous. Those that marry vanilla girls are the millions posting about how their wives will not to this or that. You can live a kinky girl as much as a vanilla one. Best thing to do is find one of those fetish list and each of you mark yes, no, maybe next to each fetish and then compare notes. Don’t force of nag your wife. You got what you married so make the best of it. My wife was a virgin in all ways but I made sure she was willing to try things before we married. Life is too short to compromise on some things. Sexual satisfaction is one of the reasons for our marital longevity and happiness. We are still into fetish play in our late sixties when our friends are not even having sex anymore and I have to hear the husband complain about the lack of sex.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

The problem with fantasies is what I would like to refer to as the "Youtube effect." I'll use that platform as it makes for keeping this discussion appropriate. On Youtube everything has been done, and it has been done countless times. So in order for youtubers to gain attention they have to push the boundaries and do something borderline insane. That then becomes a viral sensation. Then other youtubers also try to do the same thing in efforts to gain popularity. 

So you get Jeb Corliss putting on a wingsuit, jumping off cliffs, and flying through mountain crevasses that appear to be only a few feet wide. It looks super awesome. Now it is considered a sport and lots of people are doing extreme wingsuit base jumping. 






So when it comes to sexual fantasies, people might get influenced by what they see others doing online. The problem is that what we often see online often goes to some extreme in order to get attention. Then so many others start doing it online as well, and something historically extreme now appears rather common. Then people end up trying to do stupid stuff that in real life destroys a marriage. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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