# Marriage on the rocks



## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

My wife and I have been married for 12 years, we're mid to late 30's and have a 2 year old boy.
For most of our relationship we have had sex only once a month. Sometimes more frequently, but most times, less. Up until about 18 months ago I never let it bother me too much. "If she is not in the mood for sex, that's her choice and I should respect that" had been my point of view. Plus, I love her too much to let sex issues ruin an otherwise perfect relationship.

When we do have sex it is always on her terms and I have lost count of the amount of times that an argument has started during foreplay and I have left the room just to avoid the hassle and frustration!!

I have discussed with her many times over the past 18 months how much this has started to affect the way I feel about her. Added to which, when she asks my opinion on anything lately she wants to argue my answers. And when I tell her about my day I swear she doesn't even know I'm talking at times.

I told her that I was so dissatisfied with our relationship this past year that as far back as January I would have walked out if we didn't have a child. The problem there is that we come from different sides of the world and if we split up, I would go home to Oz and probably never see my son again...and I love him too much to ever do that.

I don't know what to. The relationship has no intimacy anymore. I am always surpressing my annoyance and anger with it and I can't leave because a child needs a whole family.

My marriage will fail because my wife refuses to apply any energy or flexibilty to the physical aspect of the relationship. What else can I do to save it?


----------



## Nikita (Jan 7, 2009)

hey uglee,

The description of your wife sounds just like me. Only Ive been married for about 3 years and have a month old. I think your situation with your spouse is common because Im going through it too. My hubby is German and Im American. Before I got married I took the time to dress up and look good. Even take word for word what my hubby had to say. Now I dont even try. Im doing the same crap to my hubby that your wife is doing to you.

Honestly thinking about it, I dont take the time to dress up anymore to impress him anymore like I did before I got married because in the back of my mind, I got him. I dont have to try anymore, even though this is not true. Also, especially working and with our baby, I dont have time and want to be comfortable. 

I do ignore him when he tells me stories or says some things like your wife does. My reason is cause I really dont want to hear it. I know he is going to tell me something that I know I will agree with him but there is nothing I or him can do about it or will do. Sometimes Im to focused with my own internal problems to even think or know about his. Although we are married and should share our drama.

As far as sex, before I got married to him, I threw myself at him. I wanted him. Now, its really hard to get me in the mood. I dont like to be asked lets have sex. I want him to get me in the mood and get it from me without him letting me know. The setting has to be right (I love a clean organized bedroom without clutter). Sex to me is better when both me and him are clean (showered) and before we ate or some time after. He annoys me with his gas and I toot too. I want to avoid embarrassment. One thing though that I love about my partner is that we both help each other get our orgasm. 

A couple of things I can recommend is maybe help her with her daily load. Maybe she is too exhausted by the end of the day doing house chores, taking care of your baby and taking care of you. Also,do you remind her of how beautiful or hot she looks? Buy her a sexy lingerie out fit and have her try it on for you  One thing that I think gets girls working is competition. If I see women flirting or trying to get my man's attention, thats a reminder for me that I need to step it up if I do not want to loose my man. I really think that some women like me get lost in our daily routines that we dont even think about ourselves or loved ones anymore. All I think about the majority of the time is about work and my personal problems. I love my hubby,and believe me, he reminds me that Im his wife.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Nikita said:


> hey uglee,
> 
> The description of your wife sounds just like me. Only Ive been married for about 3 years and have a month old. I think your situation with your spouse is common because Im going through it too. My hubby is German and Im American. Before I got married I took the time to dress up and look good. Even take word for word what my hubby had to say. Now I dont even try. Im doing the same crap to my hubby that your wife is doing to you.
> 
> ...



this is a very interesting reply nikita

you admit that you treat your husband in a less than desirable way, yet you advise uglee to work harder to please his wife.:scratchhead:


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Not only is *Nikita's* reply interesting, it's a very common position. A lot of people settle for mediocrity. They wait for things to get so dull that they either reach crisis point, where something has to be done, or they just live their whole lives in a dull way until the grim reaper finally comes to take them away at the end of their life's fruitless journey.


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Uglee70, sounds like your wife is a bit self absorbed. I am finding more and more that this is a common problem in marriage, the sex thing. I would suggest some marital counseling. Really,what else can you do? Unless you really want to leave her. She's not hearing you, and isn't interested in what you need or want, that's a Very selfish, childish way to look at life. She needs to grow up. Neither partner should deny the other love, in either a physical way, or emotional , spiritual way. Talking, connecting, and really being good friends, is a crucial part of a marriage, and so is sex. You really can't have a true marriage without both. It seems a curse that a lot of times, either the sex is frequent and great, but it's make up sex most of the time because the couple fights a lot, or can't get along, or... it's two people that are really close friends, enjoy each others company, but don't have sex that often. 
With you, it almost sounds as if it's both, you don't connect with her on an emotional level very often, talk about things, laugh together, and you don't have sex either. Am I off the mark here? Well, anyway, you've got to really sit her down, and tell her how you feel,and that she can ignore you no longer..... or you'll take action. What that action is, will have to depend on what you want to do, and where you want to go in life. I know you are in a dilema, dealing with your baby, and the fact that you are from different countries. Good luck....


----------



## Nikita (Jan 7, 2009)

Im being honest from my end on what I am going through with my hubby. It is a contradiction because both people in a relationship should work together and compromise, but this is only from my point of view. I love my husband and may not show him the way others feel I should show him my love. Just because I dont have sex with as much as I did before we got married or brush him off once in a while with his conversations does not mean I don't love him. We are happy together, we share thoughts,fears, joyful experiences and time together. He does turn me on, that I will admit. But I am to proud to tell him Im in the mood. To me its like begging, and that is one thing I do not want to do. I already dealt with begging with an Ex and that is something I learned the hard way not to do or look for. But I could do more of my part with my hubby.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Nikita-

You could at least throw him a clue!

You could be having a lot more fun, if you got out of your own way. Pride!


----------



## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

Nikita,

How is it begging to let him know you are interested? If he lets you know he is interested is that beging too? Seems to me that this is a two way street. 

What if he views it the same way you do? What if he thinks its ok for you to initiate but not him? Then you both lose because you both think that its the others place to start the sexual interaction.


----------



## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

Uglee,

It seems that there is more going on here than just the sexual issues. If you are arguing during foreplay that is a major red flaag to me. I suspect your sexual and physical life will not get better until the other issues are addressed.


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

> When we do have sex it is always on her terms and I have lost count of the amount of times that an argument has started during foreplay and I have left the room just to avoid the hassle and frustration!!


What are her terms? What are you arguing about during foreplay?

The answer to those questions would help clarify your situation and get you better advice.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Nikita-
> 
> You could at least throw him a clue!
> 
> You could be having a lot more fun, if you got out of your own way. Pride!



isnt this what i've been trying to say?? :scratchhead:


----------



## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

MsLady said:


> What are her terms? What are you arguing about during foreplay?
> 
> The answer to those questions would help clarify your situation and get you better advice.


Her terms... certain positions are not an option e.g. 69, her on top facing away from me, she takes oral but won't give it, she rarely seems to enjoy my wandering hand during foreplay, if I ask her to wear something to turn me on like a dress or a shirt she has (only for us and in the privacy of our home) she treats it as if I want to play a rediculous, childish game. If I want us to massage each other with oil or body lotion it is met with a condescending "c'mon be serious". Licking and eating food off each other seems to be too bothersome a task, or maybe just too sticky.

I've done ALL the things she likes to get her in the mood which is basically one thing....cook a nice dinner, put on a suit followed with a candle lit bath, which more often than not, after sveral hours of preparation leads to getting out of the bath and she wants to watch a movie. 

After doing that a dozen times I feel like I'm entitled to a little reciprocation.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Uglee70-

On my website below, there is link about women who don't like sex. See if any of the sections apply to you. It's a long read, sorry.


----------



## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Uglee70-
> 
> On my website below, there is link about women who don't like sex. See if any of the sections apply to you. It's a long read, sorry.


Interesting article...common sense that can be hard to see even when it sits somewhere in you're subconcious. There are a few things in the article that I have identified with and I will first pay attention to the "resentment" part of it. We all have idiosyncracies that piss somebody off, I'll just have to stamp out the ones I have that I know can get under her skin.

I'll have to bookmark that page so I can refer to it again and again.

Thanks.


----------

