# Consumed



## thatguyswife (Jul 14, 2007)

OK...here it goes. I'm new to this and not really sure how it works so just bear with me. I met my husband last year in April and when I first saw him I knew that he was the one for me. I met him on an internet site and we talked for about 2 months before I actually met him. So we met in April got engaged in October and were married in December. He is 35 and I'm 25. This is my frist marriage and the second one for him. He has a 5 yr. old from that marriage. So needless to say there has been some big adjustments for me. Anyway, a couple of months ago I was on our computer and I was trying to log on to something and it wouldn't let me so I went back to the history to see if I could log on from there. I noticed a bunch of porn sites that I know that I hadn't been to. My husband works at night and I work durig the day. So when he called me from work I aksed him about them and he got really quite and said that we had to talk, but it would have to be in the morning. I was really upset that night and was distraught. I'm guess I'm naive in a way because I was shocked. I mean I know that guys look at that, but I guess in my small world I thought not my husband. Yeah right...I know. Well he got home and told me that he liked to look at that stuff sometimes. In his previous marriage his ex-wife had no problem with him watching it or looking at magazines with naked girls in them. Matter of fact she would buy them for him sometimes. I told him that I didn't like the fact that he watched them. He got really upset and said that he knew it was wrong and that it was a "problem" that he was trying to fix. BTW he teaches Sunday School at our church. Anyway...he told me that he would stop and for me to not say anything to my parents b/c he didn't want them to think bad about him and I promised that I wouldn't say anything. He told me he would stop and for me not to think bad about him b/c I was the one person he never wanted to hurt. I told him that I didn't think bad of him and I would never bring it up again. A month ago I was on our computer again and I was looking back at the history and I noticed a bunch of picures of naked girls and I got upset and confronted him and he said that he didn't think picutres like that were considered "porn" and that they were "lifeless" pictures and it was the same thing as looking at a car or motorcycle both of which are a huge hobby for him. I disagree....I could way off, but I have that right. He now has the computer set so that it erases everything that is being viewed. I feel so helpless b/c the thought of wondering what he looks at while I'm at work is consuming my mind. It's so bad that I don't want him out of my site and I know that that feeling isn't healthy for me and my marriage. Oh, he has no problem with me looking at naked me b/c he said that knows who I'm coming home too. I'm sorry, but I don't feel the same. I love my husband and I know that he loves me, but what can I do to get rid of these feelings???


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## jen0519 (Jul 9, 2007)

I think that the problem here is that you feel like if he is looking at these girls in magazines and fantasizing about them that what is going to stop him when he meets someone in real life that resembles them?? That thought just keeps running in your mind over and over. But if you feel secure in the relationship you will know that no matter who he meets you will always be #1 in his mind. Guys look at porn. Its just what they do. If he is acting like he is not, he is just trying to fool you. And if you believe it then you are a fool. Maybe its your different work schedules. You are at work when he is at home. I am sure that if you were both at home he would be looking at you and not the computer. No matter how happy a man is in a relationship he will always look at porn. I don't understand why, they just do. You asking him to stop is like you asking him to stop breathing or eating. You just have to be secure with your relationship and know that him looking at porn is not a big deal. Its not cheating. It is a stupid magazine. And I am sure that he would much rather have you but since your work schedules are opposite he is alone most of the time. have you tried one of you changing the hours you work? I don't know what I would do if my husband and i didn't have quality time together everyday. A marriage takes a lot of work and both of you have to give in on some things. Maybe try telling him to keep it hidden. Sometimes out of sight out of mind works.


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## tryingtotrust (Jul 16, 2007)

I am in almost exactly the same situation as you. My husband and I met January of last year online, got married last July. I have an 8 year old son.

He is very quiet and distant, which I assume is from the fact that his job keeps him quite isolated. 

It has been an adjustment for me because I had to move to the US from Canada and leave everything I knew behind. Family, friends, comforts, security.

It is difficult enough to make a marriage work without all the "extra" stuff. When some strange charges showed up at our bank, I checked them out and found out it was from a graphic dating website. Hurt doesn't begin to describe my feelings. He got angry, denied everything, and what could I do? I had no real proof that it was him. I decided to take another route with it and I told him that if he wanted to look at that stuff, i'd be willing to share it with him, and that I have no problem with it. 

He said that stuff doesn't interest him, which I know is a lie. The lie hurts the worst because I gave him an opportunity to come clean and know that i was ok with things.(looking at porn, not the dating site)

I know he still does it, but he is good at hiding it. Clicks on a different page when i walk in room, minimizes stuff, changes email passwords.

I guess I have decided that as long as he is committed to me, I shouldn't worry. If he ever crossed the line in "real life", I would leave and never look back.

My self esteem took a big hit through all this, but I think it's better now. We met through eharmony, and it was the only site I used to find my true love, and I guess I was naive to think that it was the only one for him to. I think his computer was his entertainment during all the time he spent alone. 

I'm sorry that my reply was spent talking about my situation, but I thought maybe knowing you are not alone helps. It sure helped me when I read yours. 

Good Luck! I hope all works out for you!


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## suzyq (Jul 22, 2007)

I know how all you feel. My husband of 23 years, thinks that is the way to satisfy his needs. The only problem is he can't get it up and keep it going for any length of time with me anymore. I think it's due to all the self gratification he does with his porn online. i would suggest getting out before it's too late. The lies and denials will only get worse. They say if they got sex more then maybe they they wouldn't look, not true with some of them. Good Luck


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

I have 'caught' my husband looking at porn before. At first, I was shocked...I don't know why though. I took a step back to look at the situation objectively and realized that I know 100% that he doesn't do it often (I'm frequently in the computer room with him and he's playing his stupid game online), and he still wants to have sex with me all the time (after all, he is a healthy male ), so it doesn't bother me that much. Plus, I am truly blessed that he tells me he appreciates my body too. I need that as I'm short with virtually no bust! However, that being said, if my husband were looking at porn and did not want me, I would have a major issue with it. TGW, do you and hubby still have a good sex life? That makes a difference too. By the way, my hubby is 38 and I am 27, so I get the age difference and he has 2 sons who live full time with us ages 11 and 16, so I totally get the big adjustments in your life as well! Hang in there, hon! You're doing great dealing with married life so far! Good for you!


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