# Time to move to legal separation?



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

My wife has been having an EA for 9 months. I found out about a month and a half ago. She calls him every night and chats with him. This weekend, she told me she wants to go meet him. She wants to see if it is a fantasy, as I say, or if it's more. To me, her even suggesting driving 18 hours one way to meet the joker is a deal breaker. 

I've tried exposure. Her family and his family have all told them they are wrong in this relationship. Neither of them listen. They continue to nurture thier relationship instead of ending it. 

What are the steps to a legal separation? I suppose I need to contact a divorce attorney. What are approximate costs, etc.?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well, boxes are free down at the local market. Make she takes as much as she can fit in her car, b/c shes not welcome back...right?

I would hope that she understands this weekend trip..in your eyes is abandonment and she will need to find a place to stay when the week end is over. Does she want her things that wont fit in her car at her folks house are in storage. 

I quess if your nice enough you can keep them in the garage until she finds a place.

I recommend you help her pack, that way you can make sure she has everything...I mean everything.

Do not make this convienent for her. Everyone knows way she has choosen to leave this weekend so you are not kicking her out but helping her in this big dicision that she is making.

Don't foget the pacing tape.

I'm quessing she will only pack her best outfits along with her sexiest panties, so again make sure she understands that her other things will not be there when she returns.

Hopfeully she does the right thing for her and cancels this weekend and finalizes this marrage before looking like a run away wife who will get nothing if she abandons her family for "the weekend"


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

the guy, harsh dude, but reality is some times harsh

HurtinginTN, yeah, sounds like a plan, and get it done asap !


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hurt, call around to a few laywers in your area and ask them questions and how much they charge. When you find prices in your range, have a meeting with them soon and talk about everything, etc. 

It's going to be different everywhere. 

You are doing the right thing. If she won't end it, protect yourself. Don't be a doormat.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Many divorce attorneys will give you a free consultation. During that visit they will give you options. It is well worth your time to see one--hopefully this week.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer because the process is different from state to state. For instance, in my state people rarely get a legal separation. It's almost as bad as the divorce process, and is only intended for special situations like a long abandonment. It would make a divorce take much longer.

If you want more information than the lawyer gives, see if there are books written by lawyers just for your state.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Why would someone go with legal separation instead of divorce? Apparently, legal separation is just as expensive and grueling of a process as divorce. Why not just go straight to divorce?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It probably depends on state laws. My state does not have a legal separation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If she is still going this week end at least seperate her stuff from your stuff.

I'm sorry your wife is so deep in the fog, that she doesn't realize how bad it will be for her to leave for the week end.

I think seperation is wierd, why get seperated when then DS is just going to spend more time with the OP. I get the law and the state requirments, but really I have only read about a few folks that got back together while seperated.

And remember do not show your wife the cards you plan on playing, no bun intended.
I've just heard that you shouldn't let the DS know what your going to do when it comes to divorce or seperation. Maybe someone can elaberate on this point.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I told her last night I want a divorce. I have contacted a divorce attorney. She wants to separate first. However, she expects me to move out since she stays at home and takes care of the kids during the day. The kids are going to my parents' house for a few days. I'll see what the divorce attorney says when he returns my call here shortly.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DO NOT move out of your home, Hurt. It can affect the outcome of the divorce. If she wants to carry on her affair, tell her she can move out. Right now she does NOT have the best interest in the children or you if she wants to go meet Random Dude Off the Internet this weekend.

As for why some people do separation vs. divorce? I have no idea. WHen my stbx filed, he sent me a "separation agreement" saying he gets the house and I get to keep my car and then later a "divorce by bed and board" which isn't the same as a full divorce and means neither of us can remarry. Crazy, huh? At our final D hearing I am requesting the judge communicate it to a "full divorce," that is, a divorce absolut.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I'm guessing your wife wants a casual separation, not a legal one. In my state, legal separation entails all the same paperwork that a divorce does--literally you just check a different box at the top. However, it can provide the (relative) benefits of divorce without the official dissolution and allow the parties to say, reach some benchmark for receiving the retirement benefits of the other. In limited cases it allows for continued insurance coverage. And if never commuted to an actual divorce, it formalizes a separation without having to actually divorce in cases where there are moral or religious objections to divorce itself.

I personally don't see it as having much benefit, but I can see where it could have use in some very extenuating circumstances.

I'd consider carefully your options regarding leaving the home. Once you leave, it can be hard to get it back and if you're going to make any sort of stand for primary custody, then you could be making the battle harder from the start. Not to mention the moral fact that she's the one "leaving" the marriage. Why should she be rewarded with a house for that?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> Once you leave, it can be hard to get it back and if you're going to make any sort of stand for primary custody, then you could be making the battle harder from the start. Not to mention the moral fact that she's the one "leaving" the marriage. Why should she be rewarded with a house for that?


Exactly. DO NOT leave your home.


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## spitfire008 (Jan 13, 2011)

Mine just left for a week with x from 34 years ago.I cant see i can kick her out in Canada.So i filed for legal sep.Told her Im selling house and we go separate ways 3kids 21 years marriarge.THis was final dagger.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Why would someone go with legal separation instead of divorce? Apparently, legal separation is just as expensive and grueling of a process as divorce. Why not just go straight to divorce?


If the spouse needs to move out of the state, or is institutionalized, a legal separation can help with tax situations, childcare, etc. I live in a state with anal beaurocrasies, and I could not even buy homeowner insurance without my wife's signature. Couldn't check my kids out of a hospital stay, etc. If she moved away, yet we didn't divorce, this would be our only way to handle certain situations. 

Also, even the divorce process is protracted if your assets are over $100k. Takes a year with one away from the home unless both spouses are willing to mediate.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

the guy said:


> Well, boxes are free down at the local market. Make she takes as much as she can fit in her car, b/c shes not welcome back...right?
> 
> I would hope that she understands this weekend trip..in your eyes is abandonment and she will need to find a place to stay when the week end is over. Does she want her things that wont fit in her car at her folks house are in storage.
> 
> ...


:iagree: This is not harsh at all, I would actually go even farther, I wouldnt help her pack, I would let her know that this isnt about finding out if it is fantasy or not this is about choice and her choices are him or you. If she stays she will end the relationship with him, If she goes DONT COME BACK except to get the rest of your stuff. If she goes let her know the locks on the door will be changed and she will not be welcome in your home and let her know you will be filing for a divorce.

Dude the biatch will string you along for as long as she can if you let her. SO DONT LET HER! If you make this easy on her she will do this anytime she feels like it. Why? because no consequences. MAN UP! and be true to yourself cuz if you arent true to yourself no one else will be true to you either.

One thing not to do, do not throw her stuff away, do not break any of it, even though you might feel like it. 

Things to do, close all joint bank accounts but only take your half, cancell all joint CC and file for at least seperation. You are responsible for half of all debts she rings up until you file. Not saying she will ring up debt but she could my X rang up 8k of cc debt b4 she left.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Why would someone go with legal separation instead of divorce? Apparently, legal separation is just as expensive and grueling of a process as divorce. Why not just go straight to divorce?


Legal seperation is a choice made when the filing party isnt sure they are ready to end the marriage but wants to protect themselves financially. When the paperwork is filed you are no longer finacially responsibe for debts accrued after that date by the other party. Personally I think it is a waste of time especially in your situation it is a hassle, cost the same but for some it may have its purposes


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Would a legal separation/ divorce filing be a good idead if she is moving out "temporarily" so that she can "Think"?

I don't think our bank account is in trouble, but I didn't think she'd ever tell me after 22 years of marriage that she didn't love me anymore and had had a month long affair.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

castingabout said:


> Would a legal separation/ divorce filing be a good idead if she is moving out "temporarily" so that she can "Think"?
> 
> I don't think our bank account is in trouble, but I didn't think she'd ever tell me after 22 years of marriage that she didn't love me anymore and had had a month long affair.


So would it be wrong since she left for you to take your half of the money and put it in a place she cant get to?

Are you suppose to trust a woman that is screwing someone else? Dude Im not saying to end this relationship but I am saying protect yourself, cancell all joint ccs file immediatly.

She may not try to rip you off but she may... how much do you want to trust someone that has lied... humm sure she hasnt done that... someone that has betrayed.. you...someone who has cheated on you. Humm if you want to trust someone like that please give me a call Ive got some lifetime investments I want to discuss with you. Just kidding but maybe you got my point.


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