# I'm lost.



## Anexsia (Aug 20, 2009)

I just want to wake up from this nightmare, I want to rewind my life to a couple of weeks ago when everything was fine. Next month it will be two years since we married, two years filled with ups and downs. I'm tired. He didn't sleep with someone, but it hurts as if he had. A girl he used to know back in high school messaged him online, all it took was her boosting his ego and him leading her on. A couple of messages later he gave her his number, she sent him half naked pictures, she called him and they talked. It makes me sick. There was no phone sex, she is states away, so why does it hurt so bad? She gave him attention, he enjoyed it, tried to cover the whole thing up and I found out. It was only one night, one coversation and now I sit here and wonder if I should call it quits. How could he do this to me? Everyone else in his life has screwed him over or just plain out abadoned him. Why is it that everytime things are fine he has to take it all away? It just seems that everytime he is actually having a good life, he ruins it. He wants another chance, he thinks that after ten years of knowing each other we can't call it quits now. How do I do it? How do I live, sleep, breathe next to a person who I don't trust?


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## separation anxiety (Aug 10, 2009)

Anexsia, your situation has some similarities to mine, and i know what you are going through. 
Married 11 years, 2 kids, marriage rocky for quite some time. 
Found out 2 months ago my wife was having an emotional affair with a guy. She told me he was pursuing her and that it made her feel good about all the attention. I actually know that she was infatuated with him and it was a full blown emotional affair. No sex, but thats because she wanted a relationship and he only wanted sex. 
The situation is alot more complicated than this, but to address your situation, for me the betrayal was devastating. There are many other situations on this forum that are much worse with physical affairs, but to me the commitment of marriage was a very serious vow for me. Let's face it, there is temptation all around us, we can't control that. BUT we can control whether we put ourselves in a position in the path of temptation. I would walk away from any of that but she chose not to, and it destroyed the foundation of our marriage. Can't get past the actions, and can't trust her. 
I did separate about 2 weeks ago. A drastic decision on my part, but the EA was not the only reason, in and of itself for leaving. It solidified my decision, but there were some basic fundamental differences between us. 
I'm not recommending you leave your souse, but i would recommend counseling for both of you and on your own to help deal with what you are going through. I know it is absolutely the worst feeling in have ever experienced and you need to work through it.

You mentioned he ruins a good thing, same for me. My wife has some baggage from the past and always feels she doesn't deserve to be happy, yet things go bad with her friends, relationship, job....... Maybe your husband has some issues he has to overcome first before you cna both move forward. I know my wife has been doing alot of soul searching, now that i have left, and realizes all the mess she is taking responsibility for. We are both responsible for the decay of the marriage with out a doubt.

Good luck. Hang in there and be kind to yourself at this time.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

My situation is very similar, but my H's took place over 2 months - and he apparently had a physical situation about 10 years ago as well. We've been married 15. I'm feel the exact same way. I'm coming up on a year and though he is working very hard to not be the mean person he had become (pushing himself away from me to in his mind justify his actions). But everytime there is the least bit of stress - crazy work, 3 kids, money - my anxiety level just crashes and all I can do is think about the fact that in the past all these stresses didn't affect me badly because we 'had each other.' Now - I feel sometimes like I"m living a lie. Its not that I don't now have him, but honestly, he doesn't have me. He just lost such an important part of my connection to him because I can't get over the hurt. Part waiting for the next hurt, part reeling still from the past. Its just terrible to feel this way.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

stillinshock - wow I have been sitting here comtemplating your post for a while. You just put into words what I have been struggling with trying to put my finger on for the past month - I don't know if that makes me feel better or not but thank you for the post. I know it was not directed to me, however that is exactly how I feel. 

I have been feeling so down and out lately - almost depressed. But I think that is exactly it - we don't have each other to rely on in that way anymore, well at least I don't - life is stressful enough with kids, house, finances and work that you at least could rely on your spouse always to be there no matter what and now that is gone - because I can't rely on him, I don't know that he will always be here, and I am afraid to give him that kind of trust again - it hurt too much the last time.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I can offer only small advice.

Talk to your partner, tell them everything you are feeling. Try to see if they feel it with you. It may not work, they may not try to understand you, but try to tell them anyway. Thats what got me through it. Being brutally honest and raw with what I was feeling toward my partner and our realationship. I'm not saying to trust, just let it out to them. It may not work, but I think it will make you feel better.


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## Anexsia (Aug 20, 2009)

separation anxiety: Thanks for the words and the advice. We are already looking into marriage counceling, he seems to be the one who wants help the most. Sad thing is, I don't know if I can say the same about me. A part of me wonders what the point is, we have been through a lot already so why waste more time? I'm only twenty years old, why should I give him another chance to destroy me? I'm so hurt that I can't even remember how it felt to love him, is it normal? Will I eventually get over it? I tell myself that I hate him, but I really can't blame him for being what he has seen all his life. Parents who never thought him right from wrong, who were too busy drinking and enjoying their lives to care for him. He has never had a stable relationship in his life before me, I thought we were different. Sad thing is that I've known him since he was eleven years old, I was there when he lied and used other people, everytime he hurt and covered it up by hurting others. I just thought I was different, I thought that by sticking by him for ten years it would mean something to him. He says it does, he says I'm everything and that he needs help. When is it enough?


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## Anexsia (Aug 20, 2009)

Gomez: We've talked for days now since I found out. He wants to work things out, I'm stuck being hurt. He says we should try to get help and work it out, but I don't see the light. I can't sleep, I can't eat, the tears and the hurt don't go away. All his words, his promises, his tears can' take the fact that I feel so betrayed. He wants to move on, but in my mind all I can think of is how? How do we move on? Do I just wake up one day ready to trust him again? I don't think I'll ever be there. I know there are a lot of people out there who have done a lot worse to their spouse, but to me this feels like the ultimate betrayal.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Gomez,
I wish I could be so honest with him. He wants it to just disappear. When I'm feeling this way, he gets upset - but instead of helping me through it and listening, he pushes away and shakes his head. (Would bury it in the sand if he could I'm sure.) I'm thinking I need to go back to counseling by myself. Its not about me getting from my H the help I need - because I won't find it. I just have to find a way within myself to understand my life. I mean there are a lot of people out there who have had a much more difficult time than me and my marital issues. This is nothing compared to what people in other parts of the world are dealing with on a daily basis. Perspective. But it is a reality. I'm more of a 'single' person - like I was so many years ago. It doesn't mean I don't love him and I know he loves me. I just need to re-evolve into the independent person I used to be - sad but true.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Anexsia, "How do we move on?" "This feels like the ultimate betrayal" 

I know these feelings. I have 3 kids in the mix too, so I had to find a way to move on. First of all its not really moving on, its starting over. Thats the question, knowing that this person did this to you do you have it in your heart to love them again. This is the ultimate betrayal. This is not the person you thought you knew, your husband is human. He failed in a big way. Can you love a person even though they failed? I saw in my pain the chance to give the greatest forgiveness I had ever given, but I dont know if you have that in you. If not then get out now.

Stillinshock, If he wont talk to you about it I would be asking myself if this is the kind of relationship I want for the rest of my life. A relationship lacking communication and support. Let him know you need this from him, and if he cant or wont provide it it would have drastic consequences for your future.

Change. That's how trust is built again. If you see the path of your relationship redirecting itsself, growing closer together, accepting each other more, then you can trust this wont happen again. Affairs aren't the cause of the problem, they are a symptom. If you can cure the underlying problems you will be able to put this behind you.


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