# Stalemate - what to do?



## Hurtingheart88 (Jan 13, 2015)

Hi all,

I don't know how detailed to make this post, if more details are needed I can add them later. I am desperate for some good advice, as the advice I've received so far has been very negative and unhelpful.

My husband and I met online and at the time we lived in two different countries across the world from each other. Our relationship developed online and blossomed, we met in person and fell in love, it was beautiful, I truly felt I had met the one for me, and so did he.

After several years of trying to be together, our patience was tried greatly and we were kept apart due to visa issues, which I believe has had a lasting negative impact on our marriage to date. The pain of separation would try even the patients of a saint and so I don't blame my husband, but now that we are together I was hoping things would change but they haven't.

We face several issues in our marriage, namely my husband's inability to communicate adequately his feelings when he is upset or hurt and his overreaction to silly little arguments. For example, when upset, even if about something trivial, instead of cooling off for a few hours, he will give me the silent treatment and ignore me, refusing to discuss the problem even once he has calmed down. His giving me the silent treatment has gotten so bad, to a point where he has given me the silent treatment whilst living together in the same house for two WEEKS! (He's been known to go longer when we weren't living together).

I think the situation is made worse by the fact that I refuse to apologise when I am not in the wrong just to make peace. I have done this in the past and all it does it feed his behaviour and make him use the silent treatment for more trivial things when he doesn't get his own way.

My husband is also too overprotective, and I have gotten to the point where I no longer believe he is doing it for my benefit, but it's more for his control e.g. stopping me from communicating with friends he believes are bad for me.

I am also very upset about how money is handled in our relationship. When I first met my husband he was so kind and generous, and of course I knew the 'honeymoon' period would come to an end, but I never thought we would be in this position.

We both work full-time and my husband earns double what I do. I do 100% of the cooking, cleaning and shopping. I tried to get us to come to a fair agreement for the both of us, but he refuses. He believes we should pay the bills and rent equally as a 50 50 split, which I believe is unfair. I would much prefer an agreement based on percentages of what we earn. And what further frustrates me is that he refuses to do any housework or cooking at all! 

He says this is because he works on his home projects during the evenings (business ventures he hopes to work on on the side), which I don't even think is an excuse, and even then he's often on the phone to friends anyway. I feel really hurt by his lack of willingness to reach a fair deal, especially as before he found a job I paid 100% of the rent and bills etc for nearly a year and also paid for his travel, new clothes etc to go on job interviews. I supported him when he had no money whatsoever, and this is how I am repaid.

Another problem area is the intimacy between us seems to have gone down to zero. We are both in our 20s and have no children, and should be having the best sex and fun of our lives. Instead, either he is upset and giving me the silent treatment (which is the case as I type) or I feel upset at how the financial and household burdens are skewed in his favour. We haven't had sex in over two weeks and even though we both want to be intimate the other problems get in the way.

I am so frustrated and just don't know how we can get past this impasse. I love him so much and I know he loves me, but this stalemate has been going on for over a year, and I don't see it being resolved anytime soon.

My husband also is upset because he wants to try for a baby, however, I am just unwilling to do so whilst we have these issues hanging over our heads. I come from a broken family and it would tear me apart if my children had to grow up in a home like I did. He just doesn't see the problem, and thinks having a baby will fix us, which I know it wont. 

Sorry for such a long post. Any advice to help us move past these issues is very welcome.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your married to a passive-aggressive person, who has control, and entitlement issues. Unfortunately, you cannot control him, and can only control your reactions, and actions. You can stop doing the extra, and start treating him more like a room mate. Start doing things for only yourself, because the extra you do will only breed resentment. If things do not turn around, you should separate and divorce him. The only courses of response to someone like that is action. You might have to admit that you made a bad choice in mate, and love does not take good mate qualities into consideration. You may love him, but he is a terrible partner. Just work on your own end, and improve your life as best as you can. If he is afraid of losing you, and want to improve himself, then he should go do it. If he does not, he will most likely never put the effort into making a relationship work, and that sign should tell you to cut your losses.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

All I can say is you're right not to bring a child into this mess. You could try counselling, but you both have to be committed to doing the hard work involved. Otherwise it's a waste of time and money. 

C


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I feel for you, bc much of your dynamic with your husband reminds me of mine. He was uncommunicative of issues that were causing me a lot of frustration and misery, so I started to feel tremendous resentment toward him. I left...it was a brave thing to do. But he still has not changed. Only asked me to come back, but still goes between the two extremes of either giving me silent treatment or blowing up. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't expect him to change. At least not without counselling...try to go to counselling. If that doesn't work, you can either change yourself (let things go, tolerate it, etc.) or leave.

Another thing, absolutely do not have a baby until you are comfortable and secure with your relationship.


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## Hurtingheart88 (Jan 13, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Your married to a passive-aggressive person, who has control, and entitlement issues. Unfortunately, you cannot control him, and can only control your reactions, and actions. You can stop doing the extra, and start treating him more like a room mate. Start doing things for only yourself, because the extra you do will only breed resentment. If things do not turn around, you should separate and divorce him. The only courses of response to someone like that is action. You might have to admit that you made a bad choice in mate, and love does not take good mate qualities into consideration. You may love him, but he is a terrible partner. Just work on your own end, and improve your life as best as you can. If he is afraid of losing you, and want to improve himself, then he should go do it. If he does not, he will most likely never put the effort into making a relationship work, and that sign should tell you to cut your losses.


Thank you for your response. I never thought of him as passive-aggressive before, but I think you might be right. When I confront him about his behaviour, he makes out as if he is right in behaving as he does, because he says it's better than having a screaming match. But what he just doesn't see is now unhealthy it is to ignore issues and put them to one side and carry on as if nothing has happened. I've noticed that when I do what he wants, he is loving, caring and a 'good husband'. But as soon as I do something he disapproves of, or upset him, he is off and won't talk to me for as long as he decides not to. I've spent the last two nights at my parents' house and he hasn't even bothered to call to check if I am OK (he doesn't know where I spent the last two nights as he was too busy storming off in the street and leaving me alone, so I decided just to go).



PBear said:


> All I can say is you're right not to bring a child into this mess. You could try counselling, but you both have to be committed to doing the hard work involved. Otherwise it's a waste of time and money.
> 
> C


We have discussed the idea of counselling, however, he will only consider going to see a religious counsellor (we are religious people). But I refuse because I know the kind he wants to go and see, one who believes women should just put up and shut up, and that's not going to help us moving forward.



Orange_Pekoe said:


> I feel for you, bc much of your dynamic with your husband reminds me of mine. He was uncommunicative of issues that were causing me a lot of frustration and misery, so I started to feel tremendous resentment toward him. I left...it was a brave thing to do. But he still has not changed. Only asked me to come back, but still goes between the two extremes of either giving me silent treatment or blowing up. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't expect him to change. At least not without counselling...try to go to counselling. If that doesn't work, you can either change yourself (let things go, tolerate it, etc.) or leave.
> 
> Another thing, absolutely do not have a baby until you are comfortable and secure with your relationship.


Hi there, I had a read of your post and I too can unfortunately see similarities between our situations. My husband is a proud man, even if he doesn't like to admit it.

If I got up and left tomorrow he wouldn't apologise and try and work things out, and if he tried to contact me he would be lovely dovey for a little while and revert back to his toxic, childish ways.

I appreciate all the responses. I have a lot of thinking to do. I just can't bring myself to leave him. In my mind like orange_pekoe I am worried about the future and if I will find love again. And it's so hard to leave someone you love, especially when you know that if they would just make some minor changes, things would drastically improve and we could move forward with our lives.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Let's recap...


He is a poor communicator
He gives you the silent treatment for days and weeks on end
He is extremely controlling (hiding under the guise of being "protective" of you)
The two of you are financially incompatible
He does nothing to help around the house (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.)
Your sex life is going down the tubes
He refuses to see a counselor unless it's one who will pay him lip service

Exactly WHY do you want to stay in this marriage?

Please do not bring a child into this very unhealthy situation.



Hurtingheart88 said:


> And it's so hard to leave someone you love, especially when you know that if they would just make some *minor changes,* things would drastically improve and we could move forward with our lives.


Minor changes? We're talking about almost EVERY aspect of his life and personality! I think you need to re-examine your definition of "minor." Also, if this is your definition of "love", you should look that one up as well.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hurtingheart88 said:


> Thank you for your response. I never thought of him as passive-aggressive before, but I think you might be right. When I confront him about his behaviour, he makes out as if he is right in behaving as he does, because he says it's better than having a screaming match. But what he just doesn't see is now unhealthy it is to ignore issues and put them to one side and carry on as if nothing has happened. I've noticed that when I do what he wants, he is loving, caring and a 'good husband'. But as soon as I do something he disapproves of, or upset him, he is off and won't talk to me for as long as he decides not to. I've spent the last two nights at my parents' house and he hasn't even bothered to call to check if I am OK (he doesn't know where I spent the last two nights as he was too busy storming off in the street and leaving me alone, so I decided just to go).
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I completely understand your feelings. And it seems to me that you will give him every opportunity and chance to improve, until you're finally driven to a point where you no longer give a damn. Then, you will leave.

There is nothing wrong with that. I believe you should give your relationship everything you've got...you love him, it deserves a fighting chance. Just don't have a baby.

The minor changes you are talking about now, are actually life-long learned behaviours on his end...so it will not be easy to change.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hurtingheart88 said:


> We have discussed the idea of counselling, however, he will only consider going to see a religious counsellor (we are religious people). But I refuse because I know the kind he wants to go and see, one who believes women should just put up and shut up, and that's not going to help us moving forward.


Don't be afraid of going to a religious counsellor. Just request that it be a religious counsellor neither of you know - so that you're both sure it's an objective 3rd party. And also do your research beforehand.

My husband said no to counselling - agreed only to go to religious counsellor. I’m sure he thought that the religious counsellor would take the husband’s side in things. But I did my research beforehand, I know that our religion gives women rights and protections that husbands must honour. So I went in there knowing my religious rights, and the counsellor supported me. He advised my husband to respect my wishes for separate home, he said that my husband’s primary responsibility is to me and our daughter. He strongly advised us to move in together, away from his family.

It all fell on deaf ears. 

Basically – the religious counsellor didn’t say what my husband wanted or expected to hear. So he ignored it.
But it validated my belief that I’m right to stand up for myself. I now know, from a secular point of view AND from a religious point of view, that the course of action I've taken is the correct one.


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