# Husband doesn't want sex



## Welshgirl32 (Oct 23, 2015)

Hi, this is my first post. I've looked through a lot of other posts similar but really feeling like I need to talk. If you make it to the bottom, thanks for listening!
I'm 32 years old & have been married for a year, with my OH for 8 years. We have a 4 year old ds. We hardly ever have sex. I've tried kind of everything I can think of to rectify this situation but my husband seems to have a really low libido. When we got together we had plenty of sex & we have a really good open & honest relationship. I think I've always been more into sex, always wanting more than he did but it was never really an issue as we still had lots. I've always been more willing to do oral sex & more adventurous things. He's only done that for me twice as he says it doesn't do anything for him. I often felt he'd be happier to have a bj than sex as it was less effort for him, he's always been quite lazy.
When I was pregnant we never had sex & then it pretty much went from there. We've had sex possibly 20 times in the last 4 years I reckon. 
If we do have sex, I pretty much always initiate it & it's straight sex no foreplay. I've stopped initiating sex so much as like 95% of the time I get rejected. He always says he's too tired. We've spoken about it loads & he always says it's not me & he loves me & fancies me & he's just really tired as our son doesn't sleep that well. But, I'm always tired too, I work & travel etc but just think if it's something you want, you make the effort. I honestly think he wouldn't be bothered if we never had sex again. I don't for one second think he's cheating or using porn or excessively masturbating or anything like that. I think he is genuinely tired but I get mad that he won't make an effort. He's always watching TV or playing games on his computer. I've talked to him about this too but he just gets defensive. I feel like I'm nagging him, and part of me thinks, if the man doesn't want sex just leave him alone! But I'm so longing to feel desired, to be kissed and touched and wanted. I've told him this is a real issue for me & suggested counselling, which he doesn't want to do. I said to him that I didn't see how it could always be like this & what if in 10 years someone paid me some attention & I was so desperate for it, I cheated. At first he said you wouldn't ever do that, and when I told him not to take me for granted he said he'd be angry & it'd be over. I would never cheat, but part of me thinks, how could you be angry with me, when I keep telling you how important this is & you just ignore that? The conversation always ends in a long silence then he cuddles me & tells me he loves me, and that's it. He says he doesn't know what else to say or do. I've also mentioned he goes to the doctors & he says he will but he never has.
And aside from all of this, I love him so much. He's my best friend & an amazing father. Sometimes I fantasise about being with someone else who wants me, but then I feel heartbroken at the totally hypothetical break up of our family. My son adores him & I always want us all to be together. The thought of ending all that just over sex is crazy. But the thought of never feeling desired again is so depressing. Please can anyone give me some advice? Thank you!


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

It'll get worse, a lot worse. If that scares you bail now...


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Is he breast feeding? Do you talk to him and connect emotionally? Does he stay home with the baby all day and just feel touched out? 

Of course this is tongue in cheek . Wish I had some good advice for you but it may just be the way he is.


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## Welshgirl32 (Oct 23, 2015)

Boltam, my thoughts exactly. I have gained weight, I'm trying to lose it, do you think this is a factor? He always assured me it wasn't.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

boltam said:


> Him being tired is just an excuse. If he can stay up to play video games he can insert his penis into your vj.
> 
> He's just not into it- or you- anymore.
> 
> ...


Mr.68 is extremely similar to how you describe your husband.
I have lost a small amount of weight recently and I've noticed him being more attentive, but the quality/quantity of sex has stayed the same. So even if you put some effort into your appearance, it may not help. if you go on a diet/exercise, do it for yourself and your son. I'm exercising more because the lack of sex triggers my insomnia, which is another great reason 

when guys post stuff like this here, people tell them to work on themselves personally and physically, not to get upset when they're turned down, and pursue individual interests among other things.. There are many threads. Some of this works in reverse, but of course there's no perfect formula. in theory, if you were once having great sex, then you should be able to find your way back, barring any significant health reasons.

speaking of which, no interest in sex is a red flag, similar to constant headaches, chronic pain for something physically wrong. If he is open to it, a Dr.'s visit/blood work etc. might resolve the issue. or at least rule out some possible causes.

good luck.


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## Welshgirl32 (Oct 23, 2015)

Mrs 68, sorry to hear you're going through the same. I am trying to get him to get blood tests, he's got no motivation to do anything, always tired etc. it's just while I think it's part of it I think that's almost an excuse for something more to it. 
I am exercising now. For me & my son. I want my son to have good healthy role models. My husband is happy to sit in his chair all weekend - I'm trying to counter balance! I'm enjoying exercising & hoping I'll lose weight.
The only thing is, when I stopped trying, it was almost less painful, because I could blame that. When I do make the effort & I still get rejected I feel crushed!
I always had interest from men before I had my son, I almost feel like it's good now that I don't because if I did, it'd put me in a position where I'd be tested, I'm the most faithful person, and I Love my husband and son more than anything, but I would worry about being tested!! How awful is that ?


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Welshgirl32 said:


> Mrs 68, sorry to hear you're going through the same. I am trying to get him to get blood tests, he's got no motivation to do anything, always tired etc. it's just while I think it's part of it I think that's almost an excuse for something more to it.
> I am exercising now. For me & my son. I want my son to have good healthy role models. My husband is happy to sit in his chair all weekend - I'm trying to counter balance! I'm enjoying exercising & hoping I'll lose weight.
> The only thing is, when I stopped trying, it was almost less painful, because I could blame that. When I do make the effort & I still get rejected I feel crushed!
> I always had interest from men before I had my son, I almost feel like it's good now that I don't because if I did, it'd put me in a position where I'd be tested, I'm the most faithful person, and I Love my husband and son more than anything, but I would worry about being tested!! How awful is that ?


yup. agree on every point  it's a sad state of affairs. but the problem seems to be motivation. how do you motivate a non motivated person?
not sure there's a good answer. And it's not awful. You're not actively cheating, you are simply wishing to be loved and appreciated. That's very normal. If you were getting attention at home, that fear of potential interest would disappear.

right now i'm just focusing on myself and my children. and i have a timeline. if it's not better by x date, then i'm starting the process of leaving. i will not spend my whole life like this. good luck to you! i wish i had better advice :/


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How do we know this?? We don't even know how much weight. 5 pounds...10 pounds... 50? It makes a difference!


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## Welshgirl32 (Oct 23, 2015)

68, I'm sorry things are that way ? it seems all of the advice is to get out. That's always what I'd read. I love him with all my heart though, he's kind and supportive & truly my best friend. We have a good laugh. The thought of ending my marriage over this seems absurd. Especially with is having a son. But that's what everyone suggests? It's confusing. Did anyone stay in a sexless marriage? Boltam you're about right, it was about 2-3 stone, I was pretty slim before so I wouldn't say I'm huge, but a lot bigger than I was. But my body has completely changed, since having my son. Everything's bigger, and lower! I can see why he wouldn't want me. He always says it's not this reason and I'm still attractive to him but I can see why that wouldn't be true. I honestly don't think it's just this though. I wish it was, it's more easily rectified, but I think it's more. And if it is this, surely I won't be attractive to anyone else, and I'm honestly not really big???


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## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

You said that he gave you oral sex twice and he said it doesn't do anything for him.. well first off him giving you oral sex I'd for you. If he cares about your wants and needs he will do it for you.he says he is so tired but he is not to tired to plays games . If your as serious as I am about passionate affection and sex you would make he know he has to give you what you need if he wants to be with you


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## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

He might be cheating hun .you can never be sure


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## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

If you used to have sex and now do not. He clearly lost interest in you. But doesn't want to tell you or hurt your feelings


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## Welshgirl32 (Oct 23, 2015)

I'm sure he's not cheating, he literally doesn't go anywhere other than work. I really don't think e could be bothered anyway. But I do worry that one day he will, if things stay like this between us. I am very passionate and I do really feel like I'm missing out, but then I know many women would kill to have what I've got with him, and I feel ungrateful. I've got a husband who loves me, supports me, makes my son really happy, isn't cruel or nasty or violent, doesn't drink or gamble or spend all of our money... Is it a balance thing?! Yet all the time lately I'm thinking about nothing but the stuff that's missing. I feel like a horrible person


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

well, logic says you have 3 options. 1) live with it because the rest of the marriage is good 2) change yourself, go to MC and hope both of you find compromise, force change via ultimatums etc. 3) end the relationship.

i think 3 should be a last resort. Getting out is for people with no hope of change, the relationship never was good, irreparable damages like multiple affairs with no remorse or abuse, etc.

so that leaves you with 2, and you'll see most of that sort of advice. Marriage Counseling. Meeting with a sex therapist. lose 25lbs. start doing exactly the opposite of everything you are currently doing: stop initiating. start initiating. work more or work less. etc. If you're the one who wants change, most of the time it will be you who makes the effort.
When children are in the mix, i think it's always a good idea to give it your best effort rather than bail. But you do have to ask yourself: how long could you feasibly go on this way? could you, or would you want to be in this relationship if nothing changes for the next 20 years?

and there are a ton of people on here who have stayed in a sexless (or close to it) marriage for the sake of loving their spouse. people ranging anywhere from 1x a week when they really desire 5x a week, to people who are having sex a few times a year and sexless or very near it.


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## Welshgirl32 (Oct 23, 2015)

Thanks 68, you give good advice. Think I'll just have to do as much as I can do. Just didn't think I'd be in this situation so quickly into marriage!


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## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Your husbnd sounds exactly like mine. If he is not having sex with you than hes getting it somewhere and if hes not cheating rhan he is masturbating. 

Does he go to bed after you do? Does he take long showes? 

If you have answered yes to even one of these he is taking care himself

Read my threads as i am having the same issue but i am done with my sexless marriage.sadly you may see similarities
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

He doesn't *have* to be cheating or have a masturbation/porn addiction. There are many men on here who complain that their women are low drive and are fulfilled without much sex or her sex drive changed after marriage and children. It is less common, but many men are also low drive. They rarely masturbate or look at porn, they aren't cheating, they just aren't very interested. If sexuality is a scale, low drives dip closer to asexual.

now he could be hiding an affair or porn. but it's not an absolute, and it's not likely if there are no red flags. fearmongering is not helpful advice.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

My guesses in order are the following, 

1. He watches a substantial amount of porn and has some problem on a psychological level dealing with a real woman. I don't think he is having an affair. 

2. He has the ***** Madonna syndrome and now that you two are married and you a mother he is confused with your role and in this confusion, his desire has decreased. 

3. He has low testosterone. 

I would think weight issues play a minor if any role. Try the nice approach first, because I think he is someone who shies away from conflict, but this needs to be addressed, probably in a professional context.


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## vgasca82 (Oct 25, 2015)

I have been dealing with this for years. I have gained weighed since we've been married but not sure if that's entirely the servile reason. I've been married 12 years and is just gotten worse.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Welshgirl32 said:


> We've spoken about it loads & he always says it's not me & he loves me & fancies me & he's just really tired as our son doesn't sleep that well. But, I'm always tired too, I work & travel etc but just think if it's something you want, you make the effort....


I happened to see this recently, "The Sex-Starved Marriage: Michele Weiner-Davis at TEDxCU." I'd be curious to know what others on this thread think of it.

I don't know...haven't read her books. Searching for her other stuff on the Internet, seems like most of her actual remedies are things anyone in these situations likely would have already tried.

At first I was impressed & showed it to my wife. Might have helped a bit, and I also feel bad complaining, since our situation isn't nearly so bad as so many, and lots of good in our marriage.

When it got to the part about writing "I Like Sex" on one's hand, I enthusiastically tossed a pen onto the coffee table in front of my wife, and whether it's sex, or so many other life things, if I can just get her going, she has a great time, but it's an usually a big struggle to "Just do it."


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## Etrigan (Nov 21, 2013)

Take the xbox away. Tell him he married you, not microsoft. You'll know pretty quick if he has a gaming addiction or not.


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## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

Could be your afraid to leave him because he keeps your life Balanced


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## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

I like you and hate to hear your missing out on a really important part of love.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

File for divorce. You don't have to follow through but you need to do something drastic to wake him up.

The loosing attraction for you is plausible so he's probably masturbating rather than pleasing you. 

I'm leaning towards a hidden porn stash and being too lazy to please you rather than cheating. 

He seems incredibly selfish. Wake him up. I told you how.


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## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

Welshgirl32 said:


> I'm sure he's not cheating, he literally doesn't go anywhere other than work. I really don't think e could be bothered anyway. But I do worry that one day he will, if things stay like this between us. I am very passionate and I do really feel like I'm missing out, but then I know many women would kill to have what I've got with him, and I feel ungrateful. I've got a husband who loves me, supports me, makes my son really happy, isn't cruel or nasty or violent, doesn't drink or gamble or spend all of our money... Is it a balance thing?! Yet all the time lately I'm thinking about nothing but the stuff that's missing. I feel like a horrible person


you are not ungrateful you want him he just doesn't seem to want you the same way


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you are going through is a lot more common that most people realize. Here's a book that I think will be helpful for you.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It by Bob Berkowitz


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

It should be ok for rejected spouses to hookup. I feel exactly the same way as welshgirl my wife treats my desire as the absolute lowest priority on her list. The kardashians daily life if more important. Stroking the pet dog is more important. If stop initiating nothing happens. I'm sure she feels a bit neglected because my constant chasing serves as validation that sheds wanted and needed bit unfortunately that is accompanied with her pushing back. So, if she gets to reject then she knows she's needed. 

Welshgirl there are many guys out there who'd worship you I don't think your husband ever will just as my wife will never make me feel wanted simple as that :\
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I honestly don't understand the mentality of one who doesn't want sex with their spouse but doesn't want them to get it elsewhere. 

Its unbelievably selfish. I do get that drives are different of course so you don't get to cheat just because you don't get it quite as often as you'd like. 

But if you don't want your spouse why would you care? 

I remember when I decided I was done with my ex sexually I would not have cared if we went elsewhere. Maybe he did but I still don't care.

The reason I care with hb is because I want him sexually and don't want to share.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stuckinthebathroom (Nov 27, 2015)

I'm shocked at how everybody jumps on him with "he's cheating" or "he's addicted to porn!" 

I'm a 30something man, married for 9 years. I started working nights about 3 years ago. Since then, my sleep patterns have been terrible, and I'm tired all the time. I'm only ever interested in sex on weekends when I've gotten decent sleep. Fortunately, my wife understands this.

I would say he definitely needs to get out of the easy chair and get some movement going. Get a little metabolism. As a gamer myself, I can understand the mentality. It's entirely possible that he doesn't view anything outside of the game as being as fun or interesting as the game. I don't know how to help with that. Maybe catching another guy's attention and covertly letting him know about it might get him jealous and competitive enough to get off his ass and fight for what's his? I don't know.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

First read E1 post and then B1 post. They are wife and husband who went though a period like your's, she committed adultery and eventually reconcilled. They have not posted in awhile but they seemed all in.

Read it as both a cautionary tale, and inspirational tale.


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