# Need some advice on fiance and male friends



## TheEnergizer (Jul 12, 2013)

Hi all. I'm a long time lurker on this forum. Just browsing whenever I had a relationship question and looking for people who were in the same situation.

For starters, we are both 28, I'm an American, she is Korean, and we are living in Korea.

We have been together for about 2 years now with me proposing recently. We are both committed to getting married within the next year, she has met my family, and I have met hers.

Recently, she finished work at a Yoga School as a receptionist. When she finished, she exchanged numbers with one of the guys who is a customer there and they have been texting several times a week the past 2 or 3 weeks.

Now...I really want to know if I have anything to worry about..Notice to everyone, I admit I have jealous tendencies, but I usually keep them to myself when I know they are just my insecurities popping up.

She tells me about him every now and then...for instance, she said he invited "us" to a party at his house, but she declined because she is not comfortable meeting strangers in a big group like that. He also invited "us" to play badminton.

Now rationally, I feel like I have nothing to worry about, but I still feel jealous considering all the stories I've read about how it may be innocent now, but it could turn into something later.

We did talk about boundaries early on in our relationship, and both agreed that hanging out with close friends of the opposite sex who we have known for years would be ok. I know that doesn't erase any chance of happening, but I actually have no problem if she hangs out with a male friend whom she's known for years simply because she doesn't do it very often and because something would've happened already if there was a mutual interest.

She hangs out with them maybe twice a year.

But...we agreed we would not be cool with new opposite sex friends getting close to either one of us all of a sudden.

So back to this guy...I know she talks about me to him. She told me that he added her as a friend on this chat app, and he said I was handsome and had a nice body? I told her that I'm flattered, but it sounded strange coming from a man. She said it was because he is interested in working out and yoga.

I also did check her messages and found that from time to time he would send her a message with a song to listen to...basically "Here listen to this  Have a good day!"

Could be innocent, but I know how guys minds work. This guy also "coincidentally" broke up with his girlfriend last month.

So I don't know if I should say something because she is honest...but she can be naive and I think she lets guys get too close to her. I've heard advice where you shouldn't make it out to be a big deal early on because then she will stop telling you about their interactions and it will make you even more suspicious. So I'm leaning on not making a big deal out of it unless the guy invites her out somewhere and she actually accepts it.

And the reason why I'm a little leery is because although she's really never given me a reason not trust her, like I said earlier, she is naive to guys intentions and wonder if she could mistakenly get too close to the wrong guy because as she claims "she sees all other guys as women". Or if she could even put herself in a dangerous situation. Sorry this is so long, but here are some examples...

1. Her close male friend she had known since college. When we first started dating and she had told me about him and how often they talk, I was suspicious and was 90% sure that he liked her. However, agreeing to our boundaries, I didn't say anything. They were friends for awhile, and I wasn't going to make her dump a long time friend on a suspicion, even if I was 90% sure of it. 

Time goes on, they keep up texting, hanging out from time to time, and all of a sudden (as her and I started deepening our relationship), he says he can't see or talk to her anymore. She is confused, I am confused, and we didn't hear from him again until 3 months later when I mentioned that he probably was in love with her and couldn't stand seeing us together. She didn't believe me, but asked him and I was right. She cut off the friendship! This is why I say I can trust her. (he wasn't very attractive though)

2. There was a guy who she had been emailing on a language exchange site because she wanted to improve her English, and he wanted to improve his Korean (they started talking a little before we met) Now I really didn't like this guy because she actually told me he was attractive and I saw that he had a lot of similarities with me.

He was living in New York, but was coming to visit Korea. They were going to meet up. Once again, a little jealousy, but I trusted her. They day before the meetup, he calls to confirm, and he is flirting hard. She is laughing it up. We were just finishing our date and I was obviously a little jealous and pissed and she took it quite well and thought it was a little cute.

She ended up cancelling the meetup. 

However...they still continued to talk. I didn't know what about, and I didn't care as he was way in New York. Eventually my gf gets a little jealous because I had told her about a girl friend of mine who I was catching up with by text (hadn't talked to her in 8 months) and the girl friend said I could stay in her apartment if I was ever visiting her town (in Korea). I had no intention of accepting her offer as I wasn't close to her, she wasn't attractive, I care about my relationship...I thought it was quite hilarious and I felt like I could be open and tell my gf anything. 

We had a little argument over this, and I brought up how she was talking to her male friend in New York all the time, and it was at this time where she told me that she told our recent problems about my female friend to him.

I was pissed and couldn't believe she did that and it made me think again, that with her naivety, she will get too close to guys without even realizing it.
Eventually we work it out, and we both agree not to talk to either opposite sex friend again.

During the summer, which was about 4 months after our discussion, I decide to verify to see if she really has held up to her word. She did...sad to say, on a trip we took, I woke up in the middle of the night and snopped. There were no messages on Facebook from him recently, but I did decide to look through their earlier messages.

(1)Apparently when we first started dating, she talked a little about our sex life with him, (2)when he was getting ready to visit Korea, he joked that she should come visit his hotel...she laughed it off as "ohhh funny guy haha", (3)he offered to cook for her...she said she would love to try it sometime (4)she told him the real reason why she didn't meet him when he came to korea...he tried telling her about jealous guys (but she did defend me), (5)when she told him about our problem, she joked about getting revenge on me with him (meaning meeting up with with on his second visit to Korea)

I brought it up that I had looked through her phone and told her what I saw, but didn't make a big deal out of it because she hadn't talked to him since our discussion. She then brought up how the girl friend she was angry about messaged me and we talked (however I told this female friend that I wouldn't be engaging her in conversation anymore and why). We got over it and were happy as we usually were. 

3. This wasn't a big deal but once again...her being naive. We were at a friends birthday party, and she had been talking to a guy (we were sitting next to each other so I could hear the conversation), she is a little shy and has trouble thinking of things to say sometimes, so she blurted out "do you have facebook?". He is obviously excited and runs over to get his phone. I try introducing myself and he blows me off. Luckily a friend at the party saw the guy and what his intentions might have been, and he stalled him from getting back to my girlfriend to add her on facbook.

Whew...so there you have it. As I said, she has good character. Every time there has been an issue, she cuts off contact with said friend whom either made a move on her, or whom I feel uncomfortable with. She is introverted, has only had one boyfriend before me, never cheated, and was not sexually open before meeting me. We actually had to learn together as I was actually a virgin (yet I taught her all the sexy stuff? lol). She doesn't party, doesn't drink (although she will have a glass of beer when eating out), and doesn't have loads of male friends. She does genuinely care for me so I want you to tell me if it's just my jealousy acting up, or something else with this new guy.

We are not an overly jealous couple in terms of actually telling each other unless it is a big issue. She has a male friend whom she chats with regularly and meets from time to time. She has other male friends as well. I have some female friends. But the key for me is frequency. She was talking to the guy in New York several times a week. This new guy is the same. I talk to my female friends maybe once or twice a month and meet 2 or 3 times a year (this is probably because all my close female friends are still back in the states)

Like I said before, I'm just concerned about that one time where she could naively get too close to someone who surprisingly sparks an attraction in her and then start acting "confused" about what she wants.

Sorry for the long post!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This seems like a lot of silliness. I really don't thinks she's as naïve as you think she is. She knows what she's doing. But she's going to do whatever she wants to do.

Do you two have mutual friends.. like couples?

You should not consider getting married to someone who are you this unsure of.


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## TheEnergizer (Jul 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> This seems like a lot of silliness. I really don't thinks she's as naïve as you think she is. She knows what she's doing. But she's going to do whatever she wants to do.
> 
> Do you two have mutual friends.. like couples?
> 
> You should not consider getting married to someone who are you this unsure of.


It's good to hear this from someone else. I know I am silly and overreact to things sometimes so I just needed the perspective of others from the outside.

This is why I keep some thing to myself, because I don't want to cause unnecessary arguments over stupid stuff between her and I....which is why I wanted advice on whether i'm just being silly or should I bring this up.

We have a few mutual friends and one good couple that we hang out with often.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TheEnergizer said:


> It's good to hear this from someone else. I know I am silly and overreact to things sometimes so I just needed the perspective of others from the outside.


 I could be wrong, but EleGirl did not think that your suspicions were silly. The silliness is that you are buying into thinking that your fiance does not know what she is doing when she gives out contact information to other men. If that is what she meant, then I fully agree with her. As a guy you know that the goal of every guy when trying to pick up a girl is getting her contact information so that there will be a later in your efforts to get to know her. Your fiance seems to find reasons to give out such contact information to men that are interested in being more than just friends with her. Basically, they are trying to pick on her, and she is letting them. She is not being naive about these guys' intentions. You are being naive about her intentions with these other guys. I agree with EleGril that "You should not consider getting married to someone who are you this unsure of."


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

It sounds like she has no sense of boundries and you seem hesitant to lay any down. IDK whether it's due to her being "naive" or what but you better start laying some down soon and get over that "I don't want to be jealous and insecure" mentality. There is nothing wrong with being a little jealous. It's completely normal to be a bit insecure especially when it comes to relationships. It's how you deal with your jealousy and insecurities that matter. You also need to stop making excuses for her.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I personally do not think it's okay to have casual friendships texting, talking on the phone and meeting regularly of the opposite sex. Not even long time friends from the past. 

I don't see this as being jealous, yet rather cautious of the marriage. These friendships could easily turn into something more.


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## TheEnergizer (Jul 12, 2013)

TRy said:


> I could be wrong, but EleGirl did not think that your suspicions were silly. The silliness is that you are buying into thinking that your fiance does not know what she is doing when she gives out contact information to other men. If that is what she meant, then I fully agree with her. As a guy you know that the goal of every guy when trying to pick up a girl is getting her contact information so that there will be a later in your efforts to get to know her. Your fiance seems to find reasons to give out such contact information to men that are interested in being more than just friends with her. Basically, they are trying to pick on her, and she is letting them. She is not being naive about these guys' intentions. You are being naive about her intentions with these other guys. I agree with EleGril that "You should not consider getting married to someone who are you this unsure of."


I guess the reason why I think she just doesn't know any better is because she isn't that familiar with social situations and she always cuts off contact once an uncomfortable situation happens. Until she met me she really didn't meet new people that much (and she still doesn't although more often since being with me).


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## TheEnergizer (Jul 12, 2013)

Jasel said:


> It sounds like she has no sense of boundries and you seem hesitant to lay any down. IDK whether it's due to her being "naive" or what but you better start laying some down soon and get over that "I don't want to be jealous and insecure" mentality. There is nothing wrong with being a little jealous. It's completely normal to be a bit insecure especially when it comes to relationships. It's how you deal with your jealousy and insecurities that matter. You also need to stop making excuses for her.


I guess I could describe her boundaries as this...if a random stranger came to her and asked her for her contact information, she would be freaked out and totally reject it. 

If it's someone who she spends more time in contact with like at work, she will initially be cautious, but if they have something in common, or she thinks they are a good person, then contact info will be exchanged. And if a guy makes a move, she will shut it down...she claims to have had guys in the past in her old relationship make moves and she shut them down stone cold.

I guess like I said my only concern is, what if it's that one time where she thinks nothing will happen (because she thinks other men are basically women), but as life can show you, surprises her .

I hate worrying about stupid stuff, but ti really is annoying.

I think i'm gonna wait to see if she brings this guy up anymore or if he tries to meetup with her and then I can talk to her about it. She's not the type to hide anything, but I still don't want to mess it up by bringing it up too early and then she won't tell me anything about their conversations.

What do you think?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She has poor boundies IMO, I'm thinking she likes the attention. When it comes to her not meeting them in person two things come to mind:

She bails out last mintue because she knows its wrong, warning here, she will overcome this and end up meeting them

Or she knows you know and says she won't meet them but does behind your back.

You mention too many of the same behavior so something is going on. You say she's shy around new people but , in the one with the yoga guy, she knows him and knows you.

I would also say that if you are having problems right now they won't get better if you marry. Marrying a persons means you know who they are and accept them flaws and all. It means you can live with thier flaws.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

How old is she?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheEnergizer (Jul 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> She has poor boundies IMO, I'm thinking she likes the attention. When it comes to her not meeting them in person two things come to mind:
> 
> She bails out last mintue because she knows its wrong, warning here, she will overcome this and end up meeting them
> 
> ...


Well i know she doesn't meet them behind my back, because the time I checked her messages, I didn't see anything suspicious...oh wait you just reminded me.

She took a 2 week trip to France and Europe 4 months after we started dating. She only knew one person, a guy that she wasn't close to from college and I had no reason to be suspicious, but when I checked her messages (the same time as above), in her conversation with the friend from New York, she mentioned that while in France, she was going to meetup with her friend in France.

I asked her did she meet anyone there because I saw the message and she said she didn't know why she told him she was going to meet her friend, but she didn't meet up with the friend. She siad she didn't know why she would tell her guy friend in NYC that.

I believed her because one, she can be absent minded sometimes, and 2 I had saw no other evidence that she did otherwise.

We also text/call all the time and like I said, she doesn't go out very often except with female friends one on one, and she's even invited me to meet her friends sometimes. She also has low energy so I highly doubt she has time to go about doing stuff behind my back, and it's just not in her character.

She is 28.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My assumption is that your fiancé as a Korean would be more demur with men that western women are. Or has she spent a lot of time around other westerners.

Thank your lucky stars tht this problem is coming to a head before you get married rather than afterwards.

It is not a sign of jealousy and insecurity to have your preferences as to how OSFs will be dealt with between you and your spouse.

You are giving up a lot to be in a marriage with this person (as she will or should as well). You are not able to date other women. so she should not get herself into date like situations with other men. You will be expected to account for your time with your spouse; to spend free time and holidays with him / her; put up with that passive aggressive sibling or cousin that they have; mesh your finances with this person....... and so on.

After all that, I am not f*cking letting some "friend" waltz in to our lives and take priority over my concerns and needs. If someone wants to call that jealous and insecure, well, then I hope that person can find someone to accept their terms of a marriage.

IMO, you can be jealous of a friend who gets the hot chick that you two just met to flirt with him; but you cannot get jealous of people who carry on relationships that threaten your marriage. 

In your situation Energizer, I would not tolerate constant contact like that. I have one really close female friend and we consider ourselves lucky if we speak once a week. I would not tolerate one on ones with an OSF. And I would expect my partner's OSFs to defer to me first. That is, I want to know about invitations as least at the same time as my partner if not first. And any special plans or arrangements I need to be in on.

any woman who wants to act as if she is a better friend of my husband than she is of me has found the wrong man to befriend. And quite frankly, I am not ashamed of my beliefs on this matter.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ok at 28 nobody is that naive, maybe you are a bit too trusting. 
She knows what she is doing, I don't know why I said that is classic cheater script. Not saying she's a cheater but the behavior should raise some red flags. 

Is it possible that the culture there like in many places pressures women to marry young, at 28 could it be she's not ready to settle down but feels pressure culturally to?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

TheEnergizer said:


> I think i'm gonna wait to see if she brings this guy up anymore or if he tries to meetup with her and then I can talk to her about it. *She's not the type to hide anything, but I still don't want to mess it up by bringing it up too early and then she won't tell me anything about their conversations.*
> 
> What do you think?


All I know is you sure as hell don't want to wait to address all of this until after you're already married. There are always going to be men trying to get into her pants. She needs to know how to deal with that type of situation in general. Not just on a case by case basis.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Are you able to get the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass, if so buy it. It can help you with this relationship if you want to stay, but also now to set clear boundaries in a new one. Again a bit ealrly to have these issues, please make note of this. Maybe it's a sign that she's not the right one for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheEnergizer (Jul 12, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> My assumption is that your fiancé as a Korean would be more demur with men that western women are. Or has she spent a lot of time around other westerners.
> 
> Thank your lucky stars tht this problem is coming to a head before you get married rather than afterwards.
> 
> ...


I guess it's really hard for me to get out of the "what if i'm controlling?" mindset. I've brought up similar issues with her before and she's always understood, but i always hear that a woman loses attraction for you once she sees any sign of insecurity on your part. Ahhh so frustrating.


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## TheEnergizer (Jul 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Ok at 28 nobody is that naive, maybe you are a bit too trusting.
> She knows what she is doing, I don't know why I said that is classic cheater script. Not saying she's a cheater but the behavior should raise some red flags.
> 
> Is it possible that the culture there like in many places pressures women to marry young, at 28 could it be she's not ready to settle down but feels pressure culturally to?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well she hasn't expressed any feeling like that. She was very enthusiastic when I proposed, and we were talking about marriage before then. She was actually hesitant to the idea of marriage until she met me.

I mean she could be hiding her true feelings, and I know because as an introvert who is similar to her, I used to hide my feelings sometimes in a relationship (or friendship) and then completely blindside the other party that I had problems (but never brought them up).

I've grown much more since then. I always ask her if there is anything on her mind or bothering her and if there is, she will tell me.


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## TheEnergizer (Jul 12, 2013)

Jasel said:


> All I know is you sure as hell don't want to wait to address all of this until after you're already married. There are always going to be men trying to get into her pants. She needs to know how to deal with that type of situation in general. Not just on a case by case basis.


Yea I guess it's been awhile since we first discussed it, so maybe we need to discuss it again. I'm lucky that she is not the partying or outgoing type. She is a very generally picky person about meeting people in general.


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## TheEnergizer (Jul 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Are you able to get the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass, if so buy it. It can help you with this relationship if you want to stay, but also now to set clear boundaries in a new one. Again a bit ealrly to have these issues, please make note of this. Maybe it's a sign that she's not the right one for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've seen that book mentioned on here many times and have thought about buying it. Maybe I will finally do so.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You may also benefit from No More Mr Nice Guy:

Here is the link:

Robert Glover - No More Mr Nice Guy.pdf download - 2shared
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheEnergizer (Jul 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> You may also benefit from No More Mr Nice Guy:
> 
> Here is the link:
> 
> ...



Thanks!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

TheEnergizer said:


> I guess it's really hard for me to get out of the "what if i'm controlling?" mindset. I've brought up similar issues with her before and she's always understood, but i always hear that a woman loses attraction for you once she sees any sign of insecurity on your part. Ahhh so frustrating.


This isn't driven by insecurity it's called BOUNDARIES. My husband set up boundaries with me BEFORE we got married and I respected them. His stance is no close male friends. Period end of story. That means contact with a man several times a week would be a no no to him.

Women are attracted to men who set healthy boundaries and if you have any concern as to what's healthy or not come here and get advice.

It's OKAY to set the boundaries on opposite sex friendships. And please please discuss this BEFORE you get married. Tell her in no uncertain terms what you are and are not okay with. My husband for example would NOT be okay with me giving out my number to men without a purpose like work, kid or school issue. I've got no business befriending men because I'm MARRIED.


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## TheEnergizer (Jul 12, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> This isn't driven by insecurity it's called BOUNDARIES. My husband set up boundaries with me BEFORE we got married and I respected them. His stance is no close male friends. Period end of story. That means contact with a man several times a week would be a no no to him.
> 
> Women are attracted to men who set healthy boundaries and if you have any concern as to what's healthy or not come here and get advice.
> 
> It's OKAY to set the boundaries on opposite sex friendships. And please please discuss this BEFORE you get married. Tell her in no uncertain terms what you are and are not okay with. My husband for example would NOT be okay with me giving out my number to men without a purpose like work, kid or school issue. I've got no business befriending men because I'm MARRIED.


Ahh it's so confusing because most of my friends and what you hear in the media have many people who claim they have no problems with opposite sex friends, and even after years of being with someone, they've never been tempted or had problems. Are they just lucky?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

TheEnergizer said:


> Ahh it's so confusing because most of my friends and what you hear in the media have many people who claim they have no problems with opposite sex friends, and even after years of being with someone, they've never been tempted or had problems. Are they just lucky?


I'm not a big fan of relying on 'luck' when it comes to my life and my marriage. Sure we might get 'lucky' and not have problems with opposite sex friends but we've chosen to not take that risk. It's just not worth it.


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## TheEnergizer (Jul 12, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I'm not a big fan of relying on 'luck' when it comes to my life and my marriage. Sure we might get 'lucky' and not have problems with opposite sex friends but we've chosen to not take that risk. It's just not worth it.


When you put it like that, it does make sense.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

TheEnergizer said:


> Ahh it's so confusing because most of my friends and what you hear in the media have many people who claim they have no problems with opposite sex friends, and even after years of being with someone, they've never been tempted or had problems. Are they just lucky?


Either they are lucky or they are the aggressors who benefit from these arrangements.

Some people are just smart enough to keep their own counsel so you can only know what they are thinking from their actions. Some people have learned not to complain but set healthy boundaries for themselves and enforce them. 

Overall, it's been more than a few times in my life where I am talking to a guy and his partner has made a point of introducing herself. That's enough for me. But there are a few out there who like the challenge and try to see if they can come between a married couple.

Energizer, a person who is clear about their boundaries and ensure that they are observed are strong and are viewed as sexy and confident.

What you need to do is decide for yourself what you will live with -- and try to choose stuff that doesn't require a lot of validation. For example, if what you are concerned about is that she has sex with another man, but everything else is ok. imagine that, so she's on her phone constantly texting, sending photos, maybe even sexting, maybe some guy will even accuse HER of leading him on ...... but according to you that is ok, because she is not having sex with him.

So what you may prefer are boundaries that are a little bit tighter. PErsonally, I would be very concerned about someone who is unable to make healthy friendships with their own gender.

My fiance once called his just a friend ex his only friend in town. My attitude was, then go out and find some new friends. It will not do you any favors to be too forgiving.

Next, have this discussion with your fiance about what you ideally want. It may be an iterative process in which the two of contemplate what is workable between the two of you. At this point don't make ultimatums, but if you have a date for the wedding, you may want to put it off. 

At some point however, you will have to come to terms with the fact that you have your idea of a healthy marriage and if she doesn't agree with it, the two of you must move on.

I finally told myself that if (future) fiance met up with his just a friend ex one more time, then what we had would not be anything more than a friends with benefits arrangement in which, when he had the chance, he could go off and see some other woman separate from our relationship. Well, I thought, if that's what he wanted, then I needed to get busy and start dating other men. With that resolve in my head, I had a discussion with my partner. I would have been sad if he had said some along the lines of "he could be friends with whomever and however he damned well please" but I would have been ready to walk as well. Not necessarily never see him again, but it would not have been on the terms that we had before.

This is the mindset that you need to have for yourself when you are ready to have that discussion with your fiance.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TheEnergizer said:


> I guess it's really hard for me to get out of the "what if i'm controlling?" mindset. I've brought up similar issues with her before and she's always understood, but i always hear that a woman loses attraction for you once she sees any sign of insecurity on your part.


 The false worry about appearing controlling is what almost everyone that has been cheated on has posted to this site prior to learning that their partner has cheated on them. Not manning up and protecting your relationship because of this fear is what is unattractive, and is what will lose you the girl.


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## TheEnergizer (Jul 12, 2013)

We are going out today after she finishes work. I was reading no More Mr. Nice Guy and I have realized that before this relationship, I was less of a nice guy, but it seems being in a relationship has made be revert back to my old ways a little bit.


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