# I'm ok with porn and strip clubs but...



## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

why am i ok with my man watching porn or going to strip clubs BUT i'm not ok with him starring at other women, flirting with them or dancing with them? why do i feel jealous when he does that but i'm ok with him watching porn or going to strip clubs (well as long as he doesn't get private dances)? Very strange indeed...Any other women or men feel the same way?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

no your not strange.
its because everything that your H does in this manner is done within his and your boundaries of your relationship. thats why your ok. but the minute you feel jealous is because your brain and body is forced into change thats not included in your boundaries. 
you havent learnt the coping mechanism for this.
and yes i have felt like this.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

justean said:


> no your not strange.
> its because everything that your H does in this manner is done within his and your boundaries of your relationship. thats why your ok. but the minute you feel jealous is because your brain and body is forced into change thats not included in your boundaries.
> you havent learnt the coping mechanism for this.
> and yes i have felt like this.


Did you learn how to copy with it? if yes, how did you do it?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i got worse after H one night stand last april. so im afraid my boundaries were out of whack. i think your feelings are really normal - we all have jealous moments. 
i cope better when i kinda put my H outta mind outta site scenario.
i dont check up on H, but the minute i feel those butterflies - i do call. but my H offers me more security now and phones me more.
i know yours and my situations are different. 
but keepin busy, socializing and having fun help me.#
i think i got into a lull and forgot to go out. i looked after myself, just stopped having fun in the process of a marriage.
this is because we concentrate on making a marriage work, and we forget fun.
i watch porn with my H and i couldnt care less if he did it on his own, but he doesnt. 
he has been to clubs and i joke, but the fact is, if i were there watching, yes i would have been jealous. 
but then i have been to see male strippers. boring once the clothes are off. then i leave. 
the other thing here is, your magnified on his issue. but if you were busy in your own right , you can reduce that magnification by focusing on other things.
unfortuately when your out, the world is not a trusting place. 
there is always someone that wil have a go at your fella for their own personal gratification.
you just have to keep open the communication gates with your H .
also when you go out, do yourself up good. im sure you do. 
but when you feel confident in yourself, you can feel the world will drop at your feet. ok it wont, but its a bloody good feeling.
a little story:-
i went to mac'ds with my children today, i havent had this for a while. but this fella, quite nice - well on his own and neither of us approached eachother. well you could tell that he really wanted to talk to me, kept looking over at me. but no words were exchanged.
i know when i left and got in my car as he stil stared at me. well he had a gutted moment, that he didnt approach me.
i call it my robert redford moment - indecent proposal - when he sees a girl on a train and she smiles at him and he goes back for 2 weeks, but he never finds her again.
when you get to that stage again , just someone staring at you. you forget about his magnification, because your reminded that your beautiful yourself.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I think its fine for a guy to go to a strip club once in awhile. Maybe to blow off steam with the boys while having a beer, bachelor party that kind of thing. But if its all the time, its an issue. Same with porn. My H told me he has watched porn when I am gone and occasionally I will watch it with him but other than that it just doesn't occur to him. So too much of something is an issue. 

As far as him looking at other women why that bothers you is those are "real women". He's not going to hook up with some stripper or some porn queen but those are women he COULD. He needs to be more respectful. If he wants to be single then he should but to do this when he's with you is not right. You need to talk to him about it and let him know it bothers you.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

justean said:


> i know yours and my situations are different. but keepin busy, socializing and having fun help me.#


i keep busy, i socilize but still...it doesn't help???



justean said:


> he has been to clubs and i joke, but the fact is, if i were there watching, yes i would have been jealous.


I have been to strip clubs with him, but i don't get jealous!!



justean said:


> when you get to that stage again , just someone staring at you. you forget about his magnification, because your reminded that your beautiful yourself.


i get hit on all the time but i don't reciprocate especially if he's around. I know he would not like it. when we started dating we were at this lounge and he asked me if it would be ok if he was to flirt with a bartender or some other girl, i said it depends. i told him if he was to flirt with a bartender, then i would be open to the possibilities of flirting back if some guy came and talked to me. and then he was like he would kill me if i did that...:scratchhead:

he also doesn't like that when we go out clubbing and he goes to the bathroom, when he comes back, he always see guys all over me so if we are with his friends, before going to the bathroom, he will ask them to watch over me and make sure no guys come around me but it doesn't stop the guys to come and talk to me...but of course out of respect for him, i ignore them...

so he gets jealous once in a while but is surprised when i get jealous  so since i can only change myself, i'm looking for away to lose my jealous ways


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I think its fine for a guy to go to a strip club once in awhile. Maybe to blow off steam with the boys while having a beer, bachelor party that kind of thing. But if its all the time, its an issue. Same with porn. My H told me he has watched porn when I am gone and occasionally I will watch it with him but other than that it just doesn't occur to him. So too much of something is an issue.


You right. too much of anything is bad...he doesn't watch porn that much...maybe once in a blue moon. and in regards to strip clubs, i'm actually the one who introduced them to him, before me, he never went...so now we mostly go together or he will go wih his boys if they want to go once in a while...



AZMOMOFTWO said:


> As far as him looking at other women why that bothers you is those are "real women". He's not going to hook up with some stripper or some porn queen but those are women he COULD. He needs to be more respectful. If he wants to be single then he should but to do this when he's with you is not right. You need to talk to him about it and let him know it bothers you.


strippers are real, some of them, all you have to do is pay more and you get a BJ or sex...but for some reason when he goes alone with the boys, i don't get jealous???
But you are right that he needs to show more respect when we go out together, he doens't just look at at women, he will stare at them from head to toe and then turn around and look at their a$$??? but everywhere i read, they say that this is normal for guys, they can't help it...so i guess us women we have to learn how to cope with it??? 

One of my exes used to do the same, then i decided to start checking out guys with muscles or guys with nicer cars...he got upset and he stopped starring at women...but i tried it with this new one and it's not working...lol

btw, i think looking is not bas as long as you do it in a very discret way, i, myself, try not to look, but when i do it's in a very discret way...you can't even tell i'm looking, you would never catch me


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

What I meant about strippers, is they do it for money. Not the same as flirting with someone where there could be an emotional attachment. 

I think as human beings we all appreciate attaractive people of the opposite sex. I have a thing for shirtless guys with muscles. I'm going to look. But I am discreet and I'm just looking, even if they come talk to me (hard to not look interested). But I think the key there is discreet. Why does anyone else need to know you are looking? Why does he have the need to be overt about it. Flirting, we do as humans but there are two kinds of flirting, in my opinion. We have a large group of friends, one of my friends' husbands might joke and say "hey what are you doing later" (that was a comment about how I was apparently enjoying a jello shot one night), its purely a joke but yeah flirting. No way does he really mean it. We all do it, and that kind of flirting that my H engages in doesn't bother me in the least. Flirting with a bartender? Well I guess its how you define flirting, an innocent comment, a smile or more? 

Everything comes down to intention and how far that goes. If he's just flirting, no phone numbers should be exchanged, that's more than flirting.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well this is interesting, I have given this same advice to teh men.

It is not him, it's you. It's your self image. You feel vulnerable and that someone can "take him away" from you. Even though chances are that he won't go anywhere.

I used to be a jealous person when my wife and I first started dating, becuase I ha a old girlfriend cheat on me. I found that I could not trust my girlfriend and I was jealous, jealous,jealous and it was controlling me and it could have ruied my relationship. I came to the realization that it was in my head.

It took alot of "mental work" on my part to "just let go" to feel good about Who I was and why my girlfriend now wife was with me. Becuase I was care free and not controlling, neither was she.

We were comfortable enough that we could "dirty dance" with friends of opposite sex in front of each other and have a good laugh. To this day my wife loves to tease my male friends on the dance floor and I can tease her female friends. 

Really it has all to do with you and your mindset. Same for your hubby. Sometimes Confidence and care free is a very powerful tool and can be darn sexy.

Your jealousy weakens your relationship, Confidence builds it, trust makes it stronger and communication.

I wish you luck, it's amental battle and a self confidence issue. The more confident you become in your self image, the stronger your bond will be. I will take my sexy confident wife over a jealous wife any day. She is sexier and I want her more then anything else. If she was constantly worried and jealous, I know it would push me further away.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I would become his personal stripper and porn star, if he wants to throw money away then he might as well put it in your thong.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> it's amental battle and a self confidence issue. The more confident you become in your self image, the stronger your bond will be.


i don't know, i always thought myself to be very confident, maybe even overconfident 

For example, whereas most women would have a problem with these, i have no problem with my man:

talking to his exe's
lunching with female co-workers 
the fact that he works with his ex (however he told me if it was me i would have to get another job...)
going out alone or with his boys till 6am
going to cuba with his boys for a week
going to europe alone for 2 weeks (UK, France,...)
...
I have no problem with all of that...but i don't know why i'm not ok with him starring at other women????:scratchhead: but ...they say a small, harmless amount of jealousy can actually add a bit of spice to a relationship but i wan't to lose that small, harmless jealousy, i don't need it ...i just ordered a book about jealous maybe it will help me


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

Chikki Jaxun said:


> I would become his personal stripper and porn star, if he wants to throw money away then he might as well put it in your thong.


i'm lol and he doesn't spend money on porn, there's free porn all over the place, and he doesn't spend money at strip clubs either since he doesn't get private dances,...


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

T.O.girl said:


> i'm lol and he doesn't spend money on porn, there's free porn all over the place, and he doesn't spend money at strip clubs either since he doesn't get private dances,...



OOOoooOOO sounds like a puuuurrfect opportunity to get some spendin cash! I'd be all over the private dancing for the hubby.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

TO again it goes back to my original point, it's your self image, you get mad when he looks at other women, becuase "you are comparing yourself to them" especially when they are younger and "perky"

Sue a litle jealousy is a good thing, and I am glad you are a confident woman, very big pluses.

But I guess you are feeling you are getting older and you are stating to worry subconciously if you can "keep up" witht eh younger ladies.

there is a reason we are attracted to "cougars"....Confidence.

Just think to yourself, you are one hot momma, that girl your hubby just glanced at has nothing on you.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> TO again it goes back to my original point, it's your self image, you get mad when he looks at other women, becuase "you are comparing yourself to them" especially when they are younger and "perky"
> 
> Sue a litle jealousy is a good thing, and I am glad you are a confident woman, very big pluses.
> 
> ...


Thanks Ga for the male input...but it's not that i feel threatened by the young and beautiful because i'm young myself (27 to be exact) and also beautiful...plus i have had these issues since my first boyfriend when i was 21...even before that when i was a teen with my platonic relationships...so it has nothing to do with the age...

Also he could be looking at a 60-year old and i would feel the same way...i think i just feel disrespected...*but funny how men see it as self-esteem/confidence issue and women see it as a respect issue???*


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Well after your last post, I would say it's neither, it's a competitve issue. You want to be the hottest babe in the room, your man's eyes SHOULD be focussed on YOu becuase...simply, you want to Win, matter of fact, you want every man's eyes on you or at least glance at you, and say, "wow"

This is natural, this is why women dress up when they go out, to "look good"

It's part of our make up as humans, to lure the other sex, when you feel he is being "lured" by others, your competive Nature kicks in.

again something you need to control, guys have the same issue, when they see men look at their girlfriends or wives, we need to "win" we want our "wives" attention not for her to look at that young blonde stud over there at the bar and smile...LOL

It's a game of courtship.


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## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Well after your last post, I would say it's neither, it's a competitve issue. You want to be the hottest babe in the room, your man's eyes SHOULD be focussed on YOu becuase...simply, you want to Win, matter of fact, you want every man's eyes on you or at least glance at you, and say, "wow"


thanks GA, you helping me understand myself a little bit...because come to think about it, i think the competition thing might be also part of the problem (a small part, but there nonetheless) 

But i'm realizing that it's more of respect thing because come to think about it, i also do get offended when i'm the one receiving that attention...for example, i was with my man at a restaurant recently, and this guy with another girl was starring at me, smilling and winking at me the whole time. i felt unconfortable and sorry for the girlfriend because of the way he was disrespecting her (she wasn't too happy either). And most importantly i was very upset because not only did i feel he was disrespectin his gf but he was also disrespecting my boyfriend because he did notice it too and became upset and uncomfortable and was asking me if i knew the guy...

So how do i get over getting offended so easily???? How do i develop a thick skin??? How do i stop being so sensitive???


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