# Why would husband lie about masturbating?



## JettaBear (Nov 6, 2019)

So I saw my husband masturbating in the middle of the night several weeks ago on the couch. He tends to game in the evenings on weekends and comes to bed late. He didn't see me. The next day, I asked him about his masturbation habits and let him know that there are times when I'm waiting for him and so I felt like he'd rather masturbate than be with me. He denied this and so we agreed that he would try me first before resorting to masturbation. Things seemed great for a few weeks but then I caught him masturbating both weekend nights two weeks in a row. During the week between, we ended up talking about something and he brought up that he's been good about waking me up. I asked if there's been any times he hasn't and he said no. I told him I understand if he wants to masturbate occasionally as I know it can be different but again he denied doing so. Then after the second weekend, we ended up talking again and the topic of honesty came up and I asked if he's ever lied to me and he said no. Previously, during our first discussions, he said he would never lie to me because he knows that's something he could never take back. 

I also wonder if there may be more to it than just masturbation. After seeing him, I typically try to go back to sleep but couldn't with this last one and he masturbated for about 2 hours that I'm aware of. He's also joked about being hit on by gay guys. Now we're friends with a gentleman who is gay and they text quite a bit. He says that this friend (who is in a relationship) says inappropriate things to him and that he shuts him down. However, I've never seen the texts and, now that I'm worried, I tried to look for them but they appear to have been deleted. 

Can anyone help provide some insight? Thank you.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

JettaBear said:


> So I saw my husband masturbating in the middle of the night several weeks ago on the couch. He tends to game in the evenings on weekends and comes to bed late. He didn't see me. The next day, I asked him about his masturbation habits and let him know that there are times when I'm waiting for him and so I felt like he'd rather masturbate than be with me. He denied this and so we agreed that he would try me first before resorting to masturbation. Things seemed great for a few weeks but then I caught him masturbating both weekend nights two weeks in a row. During the week between, we ended up talking about something and he brought up that he's been good about waking me up. I asked if there's been any times he hasn't and he said no. I told him I understand if he wants to masturbate occasionally as I know it can be different but again he denied doing so. Then after the second weekend, we ended up talking again and the topic of honesty came up and I asked if he's ever lied to me and he said no. Previously, during our first discussions, he said he would never lie to me because he knows that's something he could never take back.
> 
> I also wonder if there may be more to it than just masturbation. After seeing him, I typically try to go back to sleep but couldn't with this last one and he masturbated for about 2 hours that I'm aware of. He's also joked about being hit on by gay guys. Now we're friends with a gentleman who is gay and they text quite a bit. He says that this friend (who is in a relationship) says inappropriate things to him and that he shuts him down. However, I've never seen the texts and, now that I'm worried, I tried to look for them but they appear to have been deleted.
> 
> Can anyone help provide some insight? Thank you.


Ow. Are you suggesting the possiblity there could be an EA or PA with the other guy? Let's assume there isn't, for now. First thing I'd do is ask if there's something about it (masturbation) that requires he be alone, or if he could do it with you. Incorporate it as part of your own intimacy. Help him along. This would at least give you an idea of his preferences.

But unfortunately, you may wish to do the VAR thing and record any conversations he has with his gay friend. I'm assuming it's not just texting. 

Too many different things going on here. There's also the issue about his personal feelings about privacy and masturbation. He may not want you to know not because you'd suspect anything, but out of personal shame.

I'd talk to your gay friend directly as well. Ask him about it. See if you sense any discomfort. 

How long have you been married? Have there been changes in intimacy since then? Do you have kids?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

While reading the first part of your post I thought that he might be avoiding emotional intimacy and just meeting his own physical needs.

After finishing your post, I am thinking that your husband has some other things going on, perhaps with men.

Did you happen to see what kind of porn he was looking at?

Either way, him taking care of business instead of being with you, and lying about it is hurtful to you, and a problem in your marriage. It is something to be taken seriously and not rug swept or thought to be "normal."


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Talk to the man. Tell him what you told us. Do not let him rugsweep. Tell him this could destroy his marriage. Could be several reasons and the ones he is most in denial about ......


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Masturbation when your partner is not available / interested seems fine to me. Masturbation instead of having sex with your partner is usually a problem, but sometimes someone really is tired and just needs a quick simple release. Then I feel that they should at least offer their partner the opportunity to help. 

It is possible that there is something else going on, but thats very difficult to judge from a distance.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

In direct answer to your question men lie about it because they get shamed often for masterbating. Could be he is embarrassed to tell you fearing shaming. Could also be something else like addiction to porn or as you elude to maybe he has some homosexual thoughts? 

Could also be very innocent like me he may be high drive. Recently turned 45 and up until about a year ago I needed a release every day, sometime twice a day. That’s can be demanding on a relationship and even though my SO very rarely turns me down she isn’t available all the time. 

Masterbation is a perfectly normal thing for both genders but it becomes a problem when that is chosen over your intimacy together. If that’s the case you need to work that out immediately.

Just curious what are your ages and how many times do you have sex a week?


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## temet nostre (Oct 10, 2019)

Don't worry about his talking to this gentleman if he felt anything he would be ashamed of it and wouldn't tell you anything about it. He lies about masturbation because he is ashamed of it, he falls into his hidden world of unfulfilled fantasies.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

temet nostre said:


> Don't worry about his talking to this gentleman if he felt anything he would be ashamed of it and wouldn't tell you anything about it.


I strongly disagree. This type of *blind *delusion you're promoting is going to get the rug yanked right out from underneath the OP's feet.

Sometimes, people foolishly blurt out things they didn't mean to say when they're feeling nervous or backed into a corner by their suspicious spouse. The OP was questioning him and he nervously blurted out about his 'inappropriate' texts (that he so conveniently DELETED) for likely that *very* reason. He's feeling the heat now that he's been partially exposed for his night-time 'activities' and he stupidly said too much which I'm betting he regrets DEARLY.

The OP is probably going to find out a lot MORE unpleasant details the more she starts digging. OP, I'd start with text recovery software such as FoneLab or DrFone, which can UN-DELETE some of those sneaky deleted texts of his from his phone. Do it fast so your chances are better in getting at least _some _of them. I don't think you're going to like what you see.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Knots have a way of unraveling when idle hands shake.

Not.....becomes yes, given time.

.........................................................................

Wait some bit, the truth will out itself.

No more questioning, just do that due diligent observing.

I think you are on to something.

I think his subconscious thoughts are, at last, coming to light, to fruition.

He is yet in The Nile, trying to avoid, trying to deny those hard bodied crocodiles that he finds desirable.

What you are witnessing is a process, a cycle starting, one being peddled to a place where nuts bump together.



The Typist I-


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

JettaBear ..... Are you male or female? I suppose your female but just making sure.


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## JettaBear (Nov 6, 2019)

I’m female. We’re 32 and have been together 12 years. I didn’t see what he was looking at the first time but he stated that he mostly reads erotic stories and sometimes watches porn. The times I’ve been able to see what he’s looking at, it has been written items, but I haven’t looked close enough to see what. Asking the friend is not possible as he is a decent friend with my husband and I’m more a friend by association. The friend and his partner also have an open relationship so it’s possible he’s trying to sway my husband. 

During our initial discussion, my husband stated that he would always rather be with me than masturbate. He woke me up a few times for intimacy but now seems to have reverted back to masturbating instead. It seems like maybe he was testing me and, when I followed through with it, he decided not to do so anymore and instead tends to come to bed while I’m sleeping and lays on his side facing the other direction (I’m a light sleeper so I tend to notice when he comes to bed). I feel betrayed by the lies in regard to his sleeping/masturbating (after the 2 hour session, he told me that he went to bed about 1-1.5 hours before I saw him) and I’ve given him two opportunities to be honest (after telling him I understand if he wants to masturbate occasionally and when we were discussing honesty and I asked if he’s ever lied to me). I just don’t know if I can trust him anymore but, at the same time, don’t want to overreact as I know there could be worse things. I’m just at a loss as far as where to go from here and if there’s any way to get the whole truth...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

When he sneaks into bed, reach over and spoon and hug him. Kiss his neck. Remind him that the real thing supersedes fantasy. Do this often.

There is always a poly if you are concerned about his faithfulness/possible bisexuality.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I think you're going to find out there's a lot more going on than you know.

You need to stop acting as though his buddy is trying to 'sway' him and he's just some innocent, wet behind the ears rube. The guy has been* lying *to you over and over, so why on earth do you believe that particular story from him when he's already lied about so many other things? I think you're being naive and I think it's going to come back and bite you.

And as I always say, people don't change at their cores. After your 'talk,' he started doing what you wanted but that lasted all of what - a week or two? That's because he didn't change - he just did what_ you _wanted him to do. As is usually the case, that stopped after a couple of weeks and he's back to doing what he wants to do - and what he wants to do doesn't include you. Whatever top secret 'indulges' he prefers to partake in out on the couch away from you are being done for a REASON.

You didn't acknowledge any of the posts telling you that you need to un-delete those messages your sneaky lying husband got from the gay guy which he so _conveniently_ deleted from his phone. But I get the feeling you're really not ready to face the truth just yet and I can't blame you. But I also think if you keep your head buried in the sand, you're going to have the proverbial rug ripped right out from under you.


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## JettaBear (Nov 6, 2019)

I would like to recover the messages and monitor his phone but it’s a new version of the iPhone software so there aren’t many programs that are capable of doing this with the two-step verification that’s required for the messages. He’s also an IT guy so I can’t make it obvious or be able to be seen from his phone or other devices. So any advice on this would be highly helpful.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

JettaBear said:


> So I saw my husband masturbating in the middle of the night several weeks ago on the couch. He tends to game in the evenings on weekends and comes to bed late. He didn't see me. The next day, I asked him about his masturbation habits and let him know that there are times when I'm waiting for him and so I felt like he'd rather masturbate than be with me. He denied this and so we agreed that he would try me first before resorting to masturbation. Things seemed great for a few weeks but then I caught him masturbating both weekend nights two weeks in a row. During the week between, we ended up talking about something and he brought up that he's been good about waking me up. I asked if there's been any times he hasn't and he said no. I told him I understand if he wants to masturbate occasionally as I know it can be different but again he denied doing so. Then after the second weekend, we ended up talking again and the topic of honesty came up and I asked if he's ever lied to me and he said no. Previously, during our first discussions, he said he would never lie to me because he knows that's something he could never take back.
> 
> I also wonder if there may be more to it than just masturbation. After seeing him, I typically try to go back to sleep but couldn't with this last one and he masturbated for about 2 hours that I'm aware of. He's also joked about being hit on by gay guys. Now we're friends with a gentleman who is gay and they text quite a bit. He says that this friend (who is in a relationship) says inappropriate things to him and that he shuts him down. However, I've never seen the texts and, now that I'm worried, I tried to look for them but they appear to have been deleted.
> 
> Can anyone help provide some insight? Thank you.


Why do you think you have a right to know what he does with his own body?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

JettaBear said:


> I’m female. We’re 32 and have been together 12 years. I didn’t see what he was looking at the first time but he stated that he mostly reads erotic stories and sometimes watches porn. The times I’ve been able to see what he’s looking at, it has been written items, but I haven’t looked close enough to see what. Asking the friend is not possible as he is a decent friend with my husband and I’m more a friend by association. The friend and his partner also have an open relationship so it’s possible he’s trying to sway my husband.
> 
> During our initial discussion, my husband stated that he would always rather be with me than masturbate. He woke me up a few times for intimacy but now seems to have reverted back to masturbating instead. It seems like maybe he was testing me and, when I followed through with it, he decided not to do so anymore and instead tends to come to bed while I’m sleeping and lays on his side facing the other direction (I’m a light sleeper so I tend to notice when he comes to bed). I feel betrayed by the lies in regard to his sleeping/masturbating (after the 2 hour session, he told me that he went to bed about 1-1.5 hours before I saw him) and I’ve given him two opportunities to be honest (after telling him I understand if he wants to masturbate occasionally and when we were discussing honesty and I asked if he’s ever lied to me). I just don’t know if I can trust him anymore but, at the same time, don’t want to overreact as I know there could be worse things. I’m just at a loss as far as where to go from here and if there’s any way to get the whole truth...


When it comes to what he does with himself... I don't think you have a right to get to know everything. He owns his own grey matter, and he owns his own penis, and he owns his own hand. I believe in transparency, but everybody gets some privacy.

That being said, if you're worried that he's bi/gay and has something going on with another man, then focus on that. If you're having a dis-satisfactory sex life or get interrupted in your sleep, then focus on that. 

Focus on your problems, not on his fantasy life. The way to get him to open up is not to try to force him to be. 

"Husband, your habits are interrupting my sleep and we need them to change" is OK to say.

"Husband, I'm sexually unfulfilled and worry that your masturbation habits are part of that" is OK to say.

"Husband, I'm feeling unattractive because I worry that you'd rather pleasure yourself than have sex with me" is OK to say.

"Husband, I worry about this guy and would like to know what exactly you two are texting about all the time and would like you to show me" is OK to say.

"Husband, I demand to know how, when, and what you think about when you masturbate" is not OK to say.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Masturbation when your partner is not available / interested seems fine to me. Masturbation instead of having sex with your partner is usually a problem, but sometimes someone really is tired and just needs a quick simple release. Then I feel that they should at least offer their partner the opportunity to help.
> 
> It is possible that there is something else going on, but thats very difficult to judge from a distance.


Ditto and ditto. 

I was going with well he needs to reach out to you more, a confidence thing perhaps, until the part about gay guy mentioned. 

Healthy relationships with other like minded men are good, mostly, then the gay comment came up, and there may regrettably be something there.

Don't jump to conclusions though. You know him better and obviously have more info than we have. Act accordingly perhaps cautiously.


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