# I need a little help



## CrazyGirl (Aug 31, 2009)

My husband and I have been married for over 11 years. It has had its ups and downs but otherwise is a strong marriage. He has "issues" with anger, alcohol and marjuana. Before we met he had drug problems but since overcame then. It is never directed at me but he does go into rants and raves about "other" people. This has been the past year or so that this behavior has started. I try to be as supportive as i can even though these rants kill me inside. I just hate to see him so angry and i hate that i cant make it better for him no matter how hard i try. Well, a few days ago he got pulled over in his company work truck full of his crew (hes a foreman) and the police found a pot pipe in his pocket. Ever since then hes been on the warpath about what society "allows" and "Doesnt allow."
We both hit a breaking point last night. I finally couldnt take his ranting and raving anymore and tried to calm him down instead of wear himself out. We ended up in a screaming match for maybe the second time in 11 years. He started screaming about what a loser he was and that he hated his parents. Then he dropped a bomb on me, He screamed that his brother raped him when he was a little boy. He said how he couldnt trust anyone but me in this world, not his parents or his family. He was crying this whole time he was telling me this. I ran out after him and held him while he told me a little of what happened. He told me which brother did it. and that his brother told his mom afterwards. His mom apparenty called someone about it. He said he went up the stairs to his room and his mom and about 5 strangers were in it waiting for him. One man asked him if his brother had been inappropriate with him or something to that fact. He told me he was so scared and so ashamed that he told them no no no. Afterwards, my husband told me that his brother was just a kid when he raped him. He is a good guy now and not to blame him and that hes probably living with the same guilt.

Now, I look at my husband and feel like theres a band constricting around my heart for what he went through. I am fiercely protective of my husband and am going to have a hard time with this. His brother who did this to him? I knew before I even met my husband. This brother is the reason my husband and I are together. This brother has been in my life for over 14 years without my ever knowing this. I dont know how to be the normal person my husband asked me to be around him. I think of this man who hurt my husband and i dont like the thoughts i have. I dont know how to overcome this. I am so angry at his brother, and so angry at his mom who didnt do enough to protect my husband when he was a little boy. I am angry at everyone who didnt give my husband the stable childhood he deserved!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I do not mean to be insensitive to his plight to say this... but lots of people are raped and do not go on for years with drug, drinking and anger issues.
So.... his problems may or may not be due to his past... he could just use the past to justify his desire to do drugs.
Whatever the case may be with him psycholigically... he needs intensive counseling, it and will most likely be long term to get to the real problems and begin to work on them.
You should not try to be his therapist and assume the anger role/ protector or encourage him to do ( let you be) so.... but seek professional help for him.


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## Guest (Aug 31, 2009)

+1, help is needed and his past is no excuse for his present or future.


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## CrazyGirl (Aug 31, 2009)

Yes, I do see what youre saying. But his drug problems came from his parents mostly. His brothers actions just made it worse. His parents did drugs, all kinds of drugs and drank alot too. His mom as since cleaned up but his dad is still just as bad as he ever was im told. My husband learned the correct way to use certain drugs when he was a boy from his father (ie, you dont mix cocaine into a glass of tea). Hell, my dad taught me how to change the oil in a vehicle when i was a little girl. Some people just shouldnt be parents. As for acting as his therapist, I dont really think i am. Im just being there for him when he needs me to like any wife would. He says a therapist is out of the question anyway.


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## Guest (Aug 31, 2009)

CrazyGirl said:


> Yes, I do see what youre saying. But his drug problems came from his parents mostly. His brothers actions just made it worse. His parents did drugs, all kinds of drugs and drank alot too. His mom as since cleaned up but his dad is still just as bad as he ever was im told. My husband learned the correct way to use certain drugs when he was a boy from his father (ie, you dont mix cocaine into a glass of tea). Hell, my dad taught me how to change the oil in a vehicle when i was a little girl. Some people just shouldnt be parents. As for acting as his therapist, I dont really think i am. Im just being there for him when he needs me to like any wife would. He says a therapist is out of the question anyway.


His current predicament isn't his parents fault, he is his own man. I could blame a lot on my parents, but I am accountable for my own actions.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Lovingly encourage him to seek help. Make sure that you get some good recommendation from somone. 

I know he doesn't want to, but allow him to "think" about it. Have someone ready in case, at some point, he will be ready.

You can't make him go. What he told you was very hard to do. You already know that. 

It's ok to be protective of him. Just act around the brother as you always do. Don't give it away that you know about it as it may embarrass your H. You H is an adult now and can deal with his brother now.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Holding information like this inside can be very damaging.

You need help yourself to work out how to let this go or forgive.

I think in your mind you have been raped also because you care so much for our husband.

Holding a family secret for the rest of your life will be very difficult to do.

Somehow some way this must come out into the open.

Unspoken truths fester inside a person.

There must be some formal forgiveness for the brother and everyone involved let it go.

Leave it like a package along side the road, keep driving but everybody acknowledge it was left.


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## CrazyGirl (Aug 31, 2009)

Ill still try to get him to go see a therapist but Im not going to harp on it with him. He is depressed and not sleeping at all which is keeping me up in return. I think im having panic attacks although im not sure since ive never had them before. I also dont think that his being a victim of incestual rape by someone he was supposed to look up to is insignificant. I also think that you learn life skills from the enviroment you came from. Especially at a young age. He has taken control of his own actions and yes, he is his own man. He doesnt trust his parents because he has reason not to trust them from other issues. I dont think he blames them for what happened though. Truth be told it is I who blame them. He has gone a very long way for himself in this world and I dont expect him to be perfect. Hell, noone is. I admit he smoked pot but i know what he came from and it is minor from what he used to use. He has issues with his anger but then again his father was a very abusive man towards his mother and everybody else. He has never hit me or even threatened too. He is accountable for his actions and recognizes his own faults which is just one of the reasons why I love him so much. I do believe that what happened to him so long ago does have bearing on some of the feelings he has now. I also dont see how an experience such as that is insignificant enough to just get over!


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## CrazyGirl (Aug 31, 2009)

I came here for a little advice and maybe a fresh perspective because I dont think im going to be able to get him to agree to a therapist.. Wonder why I need to defend him now. Maybe this message board was a mistake and i should just deal with this myself. This is a stressful enough issue without making it worse for myself. I dont think ill be back on.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please remember that his brother may have been molested at some point too--it would be highly unusual for him to act out like that without something in his own past. This does not excuse the behavior but it helps explain it. 

I'm so sorry your husband won't consider counseling. It would help a lot. BUT, there are many, many good self-help books and for him AND for you. You could join Al-Anon too, and learn a lot about living with and perhaps even helping someone with addiction issues. It is a hard row to hoe, but if you want to do it, then get all the support you can so you can do it well. 

Has your husband tried working out? If nothing else, it can become a very healthy form of addiction. Perhaps the two of you could start walking together with a plan of moving toward jogging, depending on your ages/weights/health status. There are some great sites and I love "slow running" which gives me all the health benefits and none of the pain of "real" running. You can pm me if you want more info on how to get started. Best of luck.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> Please remember that his brother may have been molested at some point too--it would be highly unusual for him to act out like that without something in his own past. This does not excuse the behavior but it helps explain it.


Good point. 

If you do decide to return, and I hope you do, I would just say give yourself time for all of this to sink in. The initial shock can be horrifying and leave you feeling sickened, feeling that is brother is a rapist. However, you say he is a good man now and remember he was young at the time. Lord knows he may have gone through a similar experience himself, especially if the parents too partied up to care for the kids.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

CrazyGirl said:


> Yes, I do see what youre saying. But his drug problems came from his parents mostly. His brothers actions just made it worse. His parents did drugs, all kinds of drugs and drank alot too. His mom as since cleaned up but his dad is still just as bad as he ever was im told. My husband learned the correct way to use certain drugs when he was a boy from his father (ie, you dont mix cocaine into a glass of tea). .


and you married him....
what were you thinking?


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