# My Ex Wife Died: Should I Attend the Funeral?



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Five days ago I learned that my second wife, who I divorced in 2012, died in a single vehicle car wreck on the night of September 18. Her funeral will be this coming Saturday the 29th. 

The last time I actually spoke to her was once on the phone in early 2014. We exchanged texts and e-mails from time to time to keep in touch, but those were few and far between. The last text communication I had with her was on her birthday this last March. 

So when her brother tracked me down and called me last Wednesday, I was of course completely blindsided and gutted. I am still reeling from the news. 

My problem is this, I have not spoken to my ex-inlaws since the divorce back in 2012. My conversation with my ex BIL was short and pointed. He acted like he was not comfortable speaking with me at all and wanted to end the call quickly. When I called my ex-mother in law she would not come to the phone and so I talked to her new husband for a few minutes. I had never met him before (my ex-FIL passed away a year ago) and he has been my main point of contact since I got the news. It was he who called me yesterday when and where the funeral will be. 

I always got along well with her family, but when we announced to them that we were divorcing her mother blamed me. I don't know why, since it was a mutually agreed-upon and fairly amicable divorce. But since that day she became instantly cold towards me, and her brother has not been much kinder. 

I treated my ex-wife well. There was no infidelity between us. We had no children. The marriage died due to reasons other than infidelity or abuse. It was more a matter of mutual neglect and apathy. 

My question is, should I attend the funeral? On one hand I think I should go and pay my respects to, and say goodbye to, a woman who I shared my life with for a time and who I never stopped loving completely. I think as the only man she was ever married to, I have that right. On the other hand, I don't feel like being treated like a criminal by her family. What should I do?


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

It's not about you. Visitation maybe, funeral no.

You say you have the right.

Really, you don't. Pay respects, but why make a scene to make a scene? You think.... she wasn't remarried.

You have issues, not the time nor the place to deal with them. HER parents and family and friends are grieving and none of them sound like they want you there.

Plus your marriage died of apathy, but a funeral, you want to be there?

I'm really lost.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

You have to ask yourself would be upset more if you missed it vs inlaws giving you a hard time because funerals are about the living 

I am sorry about your loss


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm guessing you aren't remarried or otherwise partnered?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I don't think this is about you. This is about those who are your ex-wife's survivors. 

Now, you--personally, privately--may want to pay your respects, but visitations, memorials and funerals are for the people who were in her life, her family, who are mourning her loss. You volunteered to be "not part of her family" and I'm glad the two of you were civil about it, but now you are not part of her family. 

So I would suggest NOT attending any visitations, memorials or funerals. If you want to pay respects do something that would have honored her life, such as sending flowers to the funeral home or planting a tree in her name or donating to her favorite charity in her honor. 

For yourself, I totally get it--you may be mourning personally--but I'd recommend dealing with your grief on your own not with her family at services. Visit the grave the next day...lay a rose. Put a marker on her headstone.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I would go. For a time you were a significant feature in her life. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it and if things got icy with her family, I'd respectfully and quietly split. Her mom's unwillingness to talk to you on the phone probably had nothing to do with you and much to do with the fact that her daughter just died. No parent should have to bury their child. In time, her family would probably appreciate that you made the effort to pay your respects. Don't expect them to shower you with hugs. Your divorce was tough on them and this is even harder on them. Still, I think showing up is the right thing to do.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Absolutely you should go. You were married to her and there was no infidelity or abuse and now she has died. If you want to go...you have every right to do just that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Also remember that while you two were amicable you don't know what she may have told your mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Send flowers. Don't go.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

Why not visit her grave privately and leave flowers there? 

That way, you can pay your respects without potentially upsetting anyone.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Yes you should definitely go if you want to go. How they are treating you is irrelevant and has an unknown motive you need not speculate about. I have been to plenty of funerals. This concept that it is only for family is utter nonsense. All of those mourning that loss ought to go if it will help comfort them. Friends mourn the loss of someone also even if interaction has been awhile.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Without knowing specifics of the funeral process, its hard to say. For example, say there is a wake, the funeral mass, and the interment ceremony.

You may want to skip the wake and interment, but attend the funeral mass, where you can sit in back away from the family but still be present to pay your respects.

I do understand your dilemma. For example, I did not attend the funeral or wake of my former inlaws. If my ex-wife (divorced 13 years now) were to pass away, I would likely have to discuss it with my SO, because I can see both the "yes go" and "no do not go" side of the argument (and we do have kids together) and I would need her insight to help guide me.

It is a matter of what is proper and paying your respects; especially if the marriage did not end on a sour note (as far as you know).

If I were in your shoes, I'd probably attend the funeral mass and skip everything else.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No one has the right to tell you how to grieve.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If the likelihood exists that some of the family members may try to embarrass you by making a scene, then I would give serious thought to not going! However, I do not believe that will be the case!

Frankly, there's always the other side of the coin in that if you don't attend, then they'll chide you as a sorry SOB for not going!

And if you decide not to attend, you could always visit the funeral home on your own time when there is a greater chance that her family is not there, to pay your respects privately and to sign the register.

If I were you, however, I'd chance it and go! I just really do not think that anyone would lower themselves to make you totally uncomfortable at such a tragic time ~ after all, you did say that the divorce was amicable!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Few years after my first wife and I were divorce (and it was a really ugly divorce) I saw that her dad passed away. I never really cared about him, he wasn't a nice man but I went to pay my respect to the rest of his family. Said hello to all of them, made some small talk and left after a while. Every person who attends a funeral is helping the family with a bit of support so I wouldn't worry about anyone starting anything. If they say something, just let them know that you came to pay your respects and if need be leave.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If someone casts disapproving glances your way, you'll live. If they harbor ill feelings, that's their beer. This woman was your wife and for a time you were the most significant man in her life. Presumably, she meant a lot to you. I've got a couple ex wives and even though things didn't work out, they were still important parts of my life. The thought that one or both would show up at my funeral is rather gratifying. If they depart this veil of tears before I do, I'll show up. Your ex wife is beyond caring about our piddly earthly squabbles, but it seems like a pretty good time for the living to bury any lingering hard feelings with her. Y'all all loved her. This isn't drama time. This is time to say, "goodbye". If I were that woman's daddy, I'd have more respect for you if you showed up than if you didn't. Who gives a turkey if someone there tries to embarrass you? You've got big shoulders and it might be years before you see any of them again. 99% of the people who will be there will have had less of an intimate relationship with her than you had. They knew her or knew her family. You were her husband.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I like Odo's advice - sit in the back of the church for the service (if that's how it goes, anyway), but not attend the wake, etc. (or whatever the equivalent is).

Funerals are generally for the people who are, or were, in someone's life to whom there is no ill-will towards, even if not warranted.

Given that it appears her family has some of this ill-will towards you, I'd advise on not attending.

Besides, it's more poignant to visit her grave on your own when it's all over. As you are no longer a part of that family, nor have you been friendly with any of them since the divorce, never mind the fact that you had last spoken to your ex-wife a number of years ago, let them grieve without the possibility of any drama.

It's a sad fact, but I have attended more than one funeral in which there were some nasty words said to someone, or some whispering going on about so-and-so, or what have you.

Basically, if you have to ask, then you're best to stay away.

Say your goodbyes in private, after it's done.

And I'm sorry for your loss, by the way. I haven't seen my ex wife in 6 or so years now, but I'd still find it difficult to learn she had passed away.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

My first exh passed away 8 years after we divorced. He adopted my son and I went to the funeral to support him. He was terminally ill and I also went to see him before he passed. Very different from your scenario. I don't know what I would have done in your shoes.....


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## Proud Mom of 1 (Aug 25, 2015)

If you would have had children together, absolutely.

With that said, I realize that you did not have children together. I truly believe that by the fact her family called you with the tragic news, their hearts are open towards you attending the services, not for their benefit but in respect for their loved one, your ex-wife. Attending Funeral Services is about showing respect for the deceased. Regardless of how often you communicated with your ex-wife and/or her family, her family is deeply hurting so by all means try to overlook what ever short comings they may have right now. The most thoughtful act of kindness you can and should show in your personal situation is to attend her services. Grieving families receive comfort in knowing that their loved one was loved, that their loved one touched lives. You too will receive comfort in knowing that you are a man of honorable character, with qualities of courage and integrity. Be A Blessing and You Will Be Blessed!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Do what is best for you.

My MIL passed away 2 months after my ex and I separated and we all flew overseas together as a family to go to the funeral, him, me and our children. I got a few odd looks but did not care because I was there for the right reasons.
The following year my mum passed away and ex supported me and our kids through the funeral.
Last year my FIL passed away and again ex, me and our children flew overseas together to support each other. I had re partnered by then and my partner had no issue with me going.

Heaven forbid but if I was in your position I would attend the funeral, our marriage did not end due to abuse, infidelity etc and he will always be my friend and my kids father.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Making decisions based on what you fear someone else _might_ feel is not a healthy way to live. I wouldn't wish that way of life on any one... not an ex-spouse or even ex-mother-in-law. Is that something your ex-wife would have wanted for you?



You are "borrowing worry from the future." Can you call your ex-mother-in-law's husband back and tell him your concerns and where they come from (ex-mil not accepting your call and ex-bil's unease on phone)? He is in a better position than you to make guesses about their feelings and would-be feelings. Plus, it might mean something to them to know that you care about them.



Don't shame yourself out of going because you chose to end your marriage. That was between your ex-wife and you, and should have no more implications for your life than what she and you would give it.



P.s. If ex-mil did not want you to come, ex-bil and the ex-mil's husband would have made that clear, I'm guessing...but no need to guess.



Not sure about you, but for me sometimes it is easier to surrender to imagined fears and limitations, rather than face what I am really afraid to acknowledge. You might ask yourself what it is, if not your ex-mil's alleged would-be feelings, what it is you really avoid by not going.



I'm sorry for your loss.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If it's important to you that you go, I think you should. Do what is best for you. You can slip in and out quietly if you're concerned...the family need not know you were even there.

If my husbands ex wife died, I think he would go to her funeral, and I would have no problem with that at all. They were married, they were important to each other and they share a beautiful daughter together. I think I would go as well come to think of it, and if the situation were reversed I think she would come to ours.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Hard situation I guess. For me answer would be easy I wouldn't go. If you go make sure it's for the right reasons. Seems not everyone will want you there however I agree with the previous poster who said if they really didn't want you there at all they wouldn't have called in the first place.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think you should go to the service only (no wake), sit in the back, and make a quick exit. That way the family will know you were there to pay your respects, but are also respecting their (probable) choice to not interact with you. I am of the mindset that funerals are mainly for the living.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

I would go. Since your divorce was not a scandal, I think its totally ok. I really have not met a family that didnt appreciate people who loved the individual to show up and pay respects.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Really a no win situation. Who are you trying to satisfy? Yourself?, your XW?, Her family? Any decision you make carries the possibility of other ramifications. If you go, might be an opportunity to clear any lingering bad feelings.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Yes, you should go if you want to...she was a big part of your history.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If it was my daughter.. I know I would appreciate it a great deal if the ex showed up, it would mean a hell of a lot .. you had significant history... not all will agree... I am speaking from a Parents point of view here.. though again.. not all will feel as I....

Others may complain & speak "how dare him" (if you are remarried I would not bring your wife ...respectfully go alone)...

I just can't see this in a bad light in any way, but a caring gesture -to pay final respects... I feel for how awkward it will be for you though. Do what you feel is best in your heart on this one. 

It's not something you want to later regret.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

If they didn't want you there they wouldn't have called you. You should go for yourself and for her family. 

If you don't go you'll certainly regret that more than if you do go and someone in her family throws some shade at you.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

intheory said:


> Do you mean August, of this year? Sorry, I'm not understanding??


I thought the exact same thing. She passed...next month? I am assuming a typo, there.

I am sorry for your loss. It's okay to feel saddened too. You did love her at one point in your life. If you want to attend the funeral, go for it. However, it might just be best to visit the grave site alone after everyone has left. Bring some flowers with you, and sit and talk (if you wish) - maybe the following day.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Agreeing with SA, if I shared a natural child with a deceased spouse, then I would be there; more especially for the emotional welfare of that child no matter their age ~ to hell with whatever the other family naysayers might openly advocate!

A funeral is not so much for the benefit of the deceased as it is for their living survivors to be able to civilly and solemnly share each other's burdens of grief. 

Your daughter fits right into that category!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

intheory said:


> Do you mean August, of this year? Sorry, I'm not understanding??


Yes. August. I am sorry.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

LBHmidwest said:


> It's not about you. Visitation maybe, funeral no.
> 
> You say you have the right.
> 
> ...


Not apathy as in lack of love for each other. It was apathy towards the marriage itself. Neither of us knew how to meet each other's needs.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm guessing you aren't remarried or otherwise partnered?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No I am not married. I date many women but I'm not serious with anyone.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> If they didn't want you there they wouldn't have called you. You should go for yourself and for her family.
> 
> If you don't go you'll certainly regret that more than if you do go and someone in her family throws some shade at you.


I agree. They would have called you after the funeral if they didn't want you to go.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Well I just got back from the funeral and I'm very glad I went. It was actually a very positive thing because I got to say goodbye to her and get some closure with her family. 

Thank you all for your support. I am astonished at how much I am hurting right now. I guess once you love someone, you never really stop loving them even after you part ways.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's like regretting the loss of limb. Years later you still feel bad about it.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Well I just got back from the funeral and I'm very glad I went. It was actually a very positive thing because I got to say goodbye to her and get some closure with her family.
> 
> Thank you all for your support. I am astonished at how much I am hurting right now. I guess once you love someone, you never really stop loving them even after you part ways.


I'm glad you went.. I was torn with the choices as many had good points on both sides.. 

But what changed me to you going was the fact that the new husband gave you the info.. He would not have given you this info without speaking with this wife ( ex mother in law ) about it.. 

When I noticed the day(s) that passed, I scrolled to the end to see your post here..


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