# Stepson



## KM87

Hi all,

I find myself posting another question here. Many of you are so knowledgeable, experienced and insightful and I truly appreciate your comments, both to me and to other posters. I can't really say that I am looking for advice, as I doubt my stance will be changed based upon feedback. However, that is the nature of this forum, so I will ponder ny advice I receive. I guess the reason I'm posting is to see if my stance on this issue is with or against the majority, so to speak. This issue has caused me so much turmoil in the past couple of months. I'm not sure what the resolution is, or if it even exists. Thank in advance, for your thoughts. Here goes:

Background: My husband and I have been married for 4.5 years. My stepson is 12, my daughter (my husband is not her father) is 7 years old. Together we have a toddler and a 10 month old baby. As long as I have known my husband, his son has been a part of our lives every other weekend, half of Christmas vacation and for one week in the summer. We've tackled the blended family thing as best we know how. I read voraciously on most subjects regarding parenting, blended families, personalities, family dynamics, marriage (including a tonon this site). I always feel that my marriage/family/kids are worth my efforts to always do my best. My husband tends to approach all of this as if he already knows what he needs to know. He doesn't need to learn more.

What happened: near the beginning of November my husband received an email from my stepson's therapist stating that she needed to discuss my stepson with us. They played phone tag for a week or two. Finally, she left him a message saying she would need to get the police involved to help track him down if they didn't connect before my stepson's next visit. We finally connected. She proceeded to tell us that my stepson, in his most recent session, spoke about how he has planned to kill my children. I'm assuming he was speaking of the youngest 2 when he told her he was going to "drop them on the concrete". She promptly sent him to the ER because she believed him to be a threat to their safety. She recommended ceasing his visits (he lives in a city about 90 minutes away from us) until further notice, and they are able to make more progress with his therapy (some sessions now to include his father). My husband and I agreed, and we have not seen him since October.

September through January my husband is nearly never home (his second"job" is seasonal). Because of his unforgiving schedule, he has not traveled at all to see his son. They have texted occasionally. He spoke with the therapist and his son briefly during one of their sessions. He sometimes talks to me about needing to get it all sorted out so the visits can resume ASAP because his son misses him. 

I have experienced so many emotions regarding this mess: fear, anger, grief, to name a few. And with knowledge of the situation, I feel quite strongly that I never want my stepson around my children again. To be able to articulate a plan on how he wants to end my children's lives tells me he's thought about it, probably more than once. I don't, and will never, trust him again. My children's safety is of utmost importance to me - it's my job. I would not consider them safe in a home where my stepson also resides.

I haven't yet told my husband how certain I am of my feelings. I told him at first that it would probably be quite some time before I would be comfortable having him here again. He doesn't know that I'll never be comfortable with it. He is thinking that after a few more joint sessions and all will be restored. I think he is rushing this, and minimizing it's brevity. And I am angry about that too.

Please ask questions if anything is unclear or you want more information. What I'm wondering is of I'm totally out of line (in your opinion), so I can perhaps be more understanding with my husband when we discuss this further. As I said, I doubt my mind will change. But if many people think I'm totally unreasonable, I'll find more compassion before I speak with my husband about it. As it is, I'm struggling with his negligence and dismissive stance towards it all.


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## Andy1001

You must remember that this is his son you are talking about,he probably finds it impossible to accept this situation that one of his children wants to harm the others.
What reason did the 12 year old give for wanting to hurt the other children or was it something he brought up in conversation with the therapist? 
Why was he seeing a therapist in the first place?


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## KM87

He has seen a therapist for years. Mostly anger issues and unwillingness to communicate his feelings with anyone. This came up in one of their regular sessions, I believe, in response to her asking him about his visits here.

Thank you. I do understand that. I have been encouraging him to travel to see him every other weekend as before. He won't because it isn't convenient for him.


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## sokillme

Are there other signs with this kid is he generally anti-social? 

What is his relationship with his father like? How did you guys meet? Has his father always been so inactive in his life or has that changed?


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## minimalME

No, you're not out of line. 

If I were you, I'd speak to your husband in terms of your plans for yourself and the wee ones - not speaking for him in any way.

If it were me, I'd say (and I said this to my ex-husband regarding his mom) whenever you want to go visit your son, I'm willing to take up the slack here at home, and if you'd like your son to come here, I'll make plans to be away.

I wouldn't discuss it further, and I wouldn't argue about it.

Personally, I don't understand why your husband isn't horrified by this.


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## Andy1001

KM87 said:


> He has seen a therapist for years. Mostly anger issues and unwillingness to communicate his feelings with anyone. This came up in one of their regular sessions, I believe, in response to her asking him about his visits here.
> 
> Thank you. I do understand that. I have been encouraging him to travel to see him every other weekend as before. He won't because it isn't convenient for him.


Well then you have to take a stand here because your husband seems inneffectual at best and actually downright lackadaisical in regards to the safety of his and your children.
If he can’t be bothered visiting his son then you have to make it clear that the boy is not coming to your home unsupervised.You can’t guard the younger children 24/7 and as another poster has said,offer to remove yourself and your children from the house when the boy visits.


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## Diana7

When did your husband leave the family home? Why did he leave them? 

Many children of first marriages feel rejected and abandoned when their parent goes on to have another partner and children. Not surprising really. 
Did his anger issues start when his dad left him and his mum? Wouldn't be surprising if it did, he must have bene pretty young then. 

Your husband really doesn't seem to care much about his son. He isn't going to visit and hasn't been to any of the counselling sessions. He wants to resume visits but is not doing anything to help that to happen.


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## Adelais

Why is the son going to therapy? Has he been violent before? Is he a sociopath? Or is the therapy divorce related?

Background for what I want to tell you: When my son was 16 and hanging out with the wrong people he thought he was pretty tough. He got angry with his dad and I because he couldn't do what his friends do. He told his dad and I on separate occasions, "Someone is going to die." 

When he said it to me my husband said to call the police, which I did. He wasn't violent with anyone at school or at home, but the threats to ourselves scared us.

He went to jail for the maximum amount (25 days) because we would not bring him home as long as he was so angry....jail made him angrier. At his hearing the judge chided him for being a punk and angry and said he had no reason to be be angry or in jail because he had a good life compared to other kids the judge dealt with on a regular basis.

He came home but as soon as he was old enough, we let him move out.

Several years later, he is not that angry kid anymore and he is a productive citizen. He is mellow, gentle and loving, not the angry teen anymore.

I feel for you. Your stepson is saying very scary things. His 1/2 siblings are too young to protect themselves, and you have to protect them. Probably your stepson is angry because of how his life has turned out: divorced parents, no dad around on a regular basis, new 1/2 siblings who he feels have taken his place, and probably a slew of other issues like hormones, girls, friends, etc.

You have to take his threats seriously, and at the same time understand that he might not ever really do it, and may not be a murderous evil child.

Let him visit his dad and 1/2 siblings, but never let him be alone with them. He needs to be with his dad and new siblings. He may grow up and be a normal person and regret what he said. Don't jade him for life because he said something stupid to his therapist. The therapist was probably required by law to warn you about what was said, even if they didn't think he meant to go through with it. Kids say stupid things. Only the rare child would actually do something so horrible.

If your son is not a sociopath, but just very upset about how his life s*cks, let him face the seriousness of his words and also don't exile him from his dad and siblings.

You have a hard road in front of you, but you chose to marry his dad and have children when you both already had children. The stepson had no choice in the matter.


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## minimalME

Araucaria said:


> Let him visit his dad and 1/2 siblings, but never let him be alone with them. He needs to be with his dad and new siblings. He may grow up and be a normal person and regret what he said. Don't jade him for life because he said something stupid to his therapist. The therapist was probably required by law to warn you about what was said, even if they didn't think he meant to go through with it. Kids say stupid things. Only the rare child would actually do something so horrible.


I disagree.

Have we really gotten to the place in our society where threatening to murder someone is reduced to 'saying something stupid'?

During my 51 years, I've had a lot of people come and go in my life, and I've never heard anyone come remotely close to threatening harm to another person.


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## happiness27

KM87 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I find myself posting another question here. Many of you are so knowledgeable, experienced and insightful and I truly appreciate your comments, both to me and to other posters. I can't really say that I am looking for advice, as I doubt my stance will be changed based upon feedback. However, that is the nature of this forum, so I will ponder ny advice I receive. I guess the reason I'm posting is to see if my stance on this issue is with or against the majority, so to speak. This issue has caused me so much turmoil in the past couple of months. I'm not sure what the resolution is, or if it even exists. Thank in advance, for your thoughts. Here goes:
> 
> Background: My husband and I have been married for 4.5 years. My stepson is 12, my daughter (my husband is not her father) is 7 years old. Together we have a toddler and a 10 month old baby. As long as I have known my husband, his son has been a part of our lives every other weekend, half of Christmas vacation and for one week in the summer. We've tackled the blended family thing as best we know how. I read voraciously on most subjects regarding parenting, blended families, personalities, family dynamics, marriage (including a tonon this site). I always feel that my marriage/family/kids are worth my efforts to always do my best. My husband tends to approach all of this as if he already knows what he needs to know. He doesn't need to learn more.
> 
> What happened: near the beginning of November my husband received an email from my stepson's therapist stating that she needed to discuss my stepson with us. They played phone tag for a week or two. Finally, she left him a message saying she would need to get the police involved to help track him down if they didn't connect before my stepson's next visit. We finally connected. She proceeded to tell us that my stepson, in his most recent session, spoke about how he has planned to kill my children. I'm assuming he was speaking of the youngest 2 when he told her he was going to "drop them on the concrete". She promptly sent him to the ER because she believed him to be a threat to their safety. She recommended ceasing his visits (he lives in a city about 90 minutes away from us) until further notice, and they are able to make more progress with his therapy (some sessions now to include his father). My husband and I agreed, and we have not seen him since October.
> 
> September through January my husband is nearly never home (his second"job" is seasonal). Because of his unforgiving schedule, he has not traveled at all to see his son. They have texted occasionally. He spoke with the therapist and his son briefly during one of their sessions. He sometimes talks to me about needing to get it all sorted out so the visits can resume ASAP because his son misses him.
> 
> I have experienced so many emotions regarding this mess: fear, anger, grief, to name a few. And with knowledge of the situation, I feel quite strongly that I never want my stepson around my children again. To be able to articulate a plan on how he wants to end my children's lives tells me he's thought about it, probably more than once. I don't, and will never, trust him again. My children's safety is of utmost importance to me - it's my job. I would not consider them safe in a home where my stepson also resides.
> 
> I haven't yet told my husband how certain I am of my feelings. I told him at first that it would probably be quite some time before I would be comfortable having him here again. He doesn't know that I'll never be comfortable with it. He is thinking that after a few more joint sessions and all will be restored. I think he is rushing this, and minimizing it's brevity. And I am angry about that too.
> 
> Please ask questions if anything is unclear or you want more information. What I'm wondering is of I'm totally out of line (in your opinion), so I can perhaps be more understanding with my husband when we discuss this further. As I said, I doubt my mind will change. But if many people think I'm totally unreasonable, I'll find more compassion before I speak with my husband about it. As it is, I'm struggling with his negligence and dismissive stance towards it all.


I'd get my kids and leave the whole situation.


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## happiness27

This is nothing exactly like your situation but merely similar in that it illustrates how I approach protecting my kids. 

We had some long time friends come visit and stay at our house when my youngest girl was 11.

Everyone went to bed except me and my friend's husband and we sat up in opposite chairs talking for awhile. It was comfortable until he brought up something he said was confidential...and proceeded to tell me how attracted he was to my 11 year old daughter.

I immediately told him that was unacceptable, ended the conversation, he retired to the bedroom with his wife and I stayed up the rest of the night until morning when I told them they had to leave immediately - and told them exactly what the husband had said. I can't believe how calm my husband managed to stay throughout the whole thing - but I think we just wanted them out of there as peacefully and quickly as possible.

Another situation with another relative of my husband's - a nephew who has schizophrenia kept contacting my adult daughter through social media, telling her all kinds of things about how he wanted to be friends with her and *be* with her (she's married with three kids). He lives out of state. My daughter ignored him but he kept tracking her down - and she finally told me she had had enough. My husband was working out of the country at the time.

I called my brother-in-law who was living with the nephew and told him just flat out that if the nephew EVER CONTACTED my daughter again, the police would get involved and a restraining order would be requested. My brother-in-law tried to make light of his son's overtures but I stood firm and no nonsense. There are family members who no longer speak to me over that - but my family, my kids come first. 

The brother-in-law, for the sake of his own safety, eventually had to disconnect, kick his son out and get a restraining order against his own son. 

These things may look hard to do or hard to deal with but if you are looking for opinions to back up your own actions you want to take to protect your children, I agree with you having a zero contact with the threatening party. 

I've worked in journalism most of my career and, while tragedies are rare occurrences, the pull of family ties can sometimes cause people to let down their guard in situations that they would not with strangers. I have witnessed too much and tend to err on the side of caution.


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## KM87

Diana7 said:


> When did your husband leave the family home? Why did he leave them?
> 
> Many children of first marriages feel rejected and abandoned when their parent goes on to have another partner and children. Not surprising really.
> Did his anger issues start when his dad left him and his mum? Wouldn't be surprising if it did, he must have bene pretty young then.
> 
> Your husband really doesn't seem to care much about his son. He isn't going to visit and hasn't been to any of the counselling sessions. He wants to resume visits but is not doing anything to help that to happen.


My husband and his ex-wife divorced when the boy was about 3 or 4 years old. The marriage ended because (among other reasons I am sure) his ex cheated on him with one of his brothers. She then left their home with their son, and he had to relocate to our current city to be near enough to see his son at all. I have absolutely no doubt that this trauma has affected my stepson profoundly.

I am also certain he has strong feelings towards the current situation- his dad remarried and new children seemingly taking his place. I totally get that.

And yes, I agree that my husband seems to not care all that much about the current situation, given his inaction. That is frustrating to watch. But I cannot make him pursue his son. I wish he would. I believe that a huge part of why he's in such a hurry to smooth everything over so the visits can continue - it is much more convenient for him. And it seems like if it's not convenient, he's too busy for it (something I've been dealing with from him for years). Thank you for your comments.


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## KM87

minimalME said:


> Personally, I don't understand why your husband isn't horrified by this.


You have articulated so many things I've been thinking. I have been encouraging my husband to go see his son - I believe he needs a greater connection with his father. I hope he pursues him better. But I truly cannot risk the safety of my little people by having him here with us. The last part of your post is something I continue to struggle with. It makes me feel almost as if I have to keep my kids safe from the negligence and indifference of their own father.


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## KM87

sokillme said:


> Are there other signs with this kid is he generally anti-social?
> 
> What is his relationship with his father like? How did you guys meet? Has his father always been so inactive in his life or has that changed?


He has always seemed to enjoy his time here with us. He voluntarily plays with the younger kids. He has struggled in school as long as I have known him. I don't think he has many friends, but he speaks well of a couple of kids at school and some cousins he has regular interaction with. 

His relationship with his dad has always seemed fine. He adores his dad. He speaks so highly of him always. He always wants to be a part of what he's doing. My husband loves his son, of course. But over the years he has become increasingly absorbed in his work. There have often been weekends when he rarely sees his dad when he's here because he's working. We rarely see him for the same reason. It is a problem I have been addressing for years. Our kids (not to mention our marriage) suffer because of it. 

Hopefully that answers your questions! My husband is absolutely not blameless in this. But I cannot make him see the value of investing time in his kids. Unfortunately, they will all pay the price too. I am certain that many of my stepson's issues arise from this disconnect.


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## KM87

happiness27 said:


> This is nothing exactly like your situation but merely similar in that it illustrates how I approach protecting my kids.
> 
> We had some long time friends come visit and stay at our house when my youngest girl was 11.
> 
> Everyone went to bed except me and my friend's husband and we sat up in opposite chairs talking for awhile. It was comfortable until he brought up something he said was confidential...and proceeded to tell me how attracted he was to my 11 year old daughter.
> 
> I immediately told him that was unacceptable, ended the conversation, he retired to the bedroom with his wife and I stayed up the rest of the night until morning when I told them they had to leave immediately - and told them exactly what the husband had said. I can't believe how calm my husband managed to stay throughout the whole thing - but I think we just wanted them out of there as peacefully and quickly as possible.
> 
> Another situation with another relative of my husband's - a nephew who has schizophrenia kept contacting my adult daughter through social media, telling her all kinds of things about how he wanted to be friends with her and *be* with her (she's married with three kids). He lives out of state. My daughter ignored him but he kept tracking her down - and she finally told me she had had enough. My husband was working out of the country at the time.
> 
> I called my brother-in-law who was living with the nephew and told him just flat out that if the nephew EVER CONTACTED my daughter again, the police would get involved and a restraining order would be requested. My brother-in-law tried to make light of his son's overtures but I stood firm and no nonsense. There are family members who no longer speak to me over that - but my family, my kids come first.
> 
> The brother-in-law, for the sake of his own safety, eventually had to disconnect, kick his son out and get a restraining order against his own son.
> 
> These things may look hard to do or hard to deal with but if you are looking for opinions to back up your own actions you want to take to protect your children, I agree with you having a zero contact with the threatening party.
> 
> I've worked in journalism most of my career and, while tragedies are rare occurrences, the pull of family ties can sometimes cause people to let down their guard in situations that they would not with strangers. I have witnessed too much and tend to err on the side of caution.


Thank you for sharing! These instances are exactly the reason I err on the side of caution and protection when it comes to my kids too. Not to mention my stepson had a specific plan he shared on how he was going to end my children's lives. I cannot treat that as merely a stupid thing kids say. That's nonsense. And I feel I would be a negligent mother if I allowed him to continue to be around my babies. People are messed up. And that sucks. But it's not worth the risk to me when it possibly involves harming my children. Nothing is.


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## KM87

Andy1001 said:


> Well then you have to take a stand here because your husband seems inneffectual at best and actually downright lackadaisical in regards to the safety of his and your children.
> If he can’t be bothered visiting his son then you have to make it clear that the boy is not coming to your home unsupervised.You can’t guard the younger children 24/7 and as another poster has said,offer to remove yourself and your children from the house when the boy visits.


I agree completely, thank you for your comments!


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## sokillme

I think you have a right to be upset and protective of your kids I think you should do that. It's natural that you feel that way, but I would like to point out that the kid is 12. 12 year olds say stupid stuff, they may even say it out of deep emotions, but they are still learning and their brains are not yet fully developed. As we have seen here on this board, anger and lashing out it the most base response to any kind of emotion even in adults. More so in kids, especially young boys. I have a very hard time with it when adults do it, but I know what it is to be an angry adolescent boy going through puberty and angry at the world. I would hope that I would not be judged on some of the stupid stuff I said. Lots of young people are angry. 

Especially young boys who are devoted to fathers who seemingly lose interest in them. He probably feels like he has been replaced. Sounds like your husband has treated your kids as poorly as he has your stepson though. If you were honest I bet you are also disappointed, the difference is you have agency in your life with an adult brain and mature emotions. This boy has no control over his life and even his own disposition yet so he lashes out. 

I get that you are angry, and scared, these are your kids. I get it. I just also have some sympathy for him. So many young kids are just not equipped to deal with their emotions and they say horrible things some times. Girls say this kind of stuff too, but they don't have media reports of them shooting up schools to give the impression that every angry teenager is a gun away from a massacre. 

Keep him away from your kids for sure, but what your stepson needs is grace. He needs his father to talk to him and help him learn to be a man. He needs you to talk to him and tell him how hurt you are partly because you felt like he loved your kids and they are his siblings. He needs a chance to grow and earn your trust again. Most of all he needs a strong male figure in his life to let him know what it is to be a man, how to act and how to control his natural aggression. He needs connections or he IS going to get left in the cracks. But I totally get your instinct to want him just to go away. I am sure you are also very hurt. I would encourage you to talk to him though. Tell him that. Let him have a stake in a relationship with you. That is what will make him change. 

It just seems like such a waste to give up on a 12 year old kid. Where is his Father? Where was his Father? 

I feel for all of you.

-------------


OK I am going to now write a whole diatribe as I am want to do at times. My Dad left his first wife whom he had daughters with. These are my half sisters. After a while he met my Mom (she wasn't his mistress, but I don't think my Mom didn't the whole story that's for sure). My Dad still was active in my sisters life, so very often when I was young I would go over there to pick them up on the weekends. So I would see their Mom. She was never mean to me, she would always make stinging remarks about Dad, but never my Mom. After my Dad cheated and left my Mom she seemed clairvoyant. And my Mom and her actually became friends. 

She always treated me well. She didn't have to but she did. Occasionally I would even sleep over there if you can believe it. I didn't get it at the time, but that was very big of her. I am sure that my presence was painful to her in some ways, but I didn't know it as evidenced by the fact that I didn't get it until I was older. 

My sisters and I are very close. In fact we never call each others half-siblings, we are just brother and sisters. That was because of how she treated me. And how my Mom treated them. When my sister's Mom got sick and she needed a hospital bed, all of us siblings kicked in for it. Before she died I went into her room and thanked her. When she died I told my sisters that our relationship was part of her legacy. I will forever be grateful for this women. 

Now my Mom. After my Dad cheated and left her, she continued to have a relationship with my sisters. She was involved in all the events, from the graduations to child births. They are very close to this day. They go out without me lots of times. 

Both these women shaped my relationship with my sisters. 

YOU, will probably be the biggest influence in what kind of relationship your kids and your husband's son have. This moment right here is probably going to be the most important in that. He may very well be a broken and unredeemable kid, but he could also just be a very screwed up and hurting angry kid. Someone needs to be the adult and at least try to fix this if it is fixable. This situation is different then ours was for sure and you should follow the experts advice. I know your instinct is to never have your kids see him again. But in time that may change. I think you should at least try to get your husband to help him (for YOUR kids sake). 

My life is SO MUCH better for having my half siblings in it. My Mom's life is better for it, and their Mom's was better for it. 

Don't give up on this boy. Don't let your husband give up on him. Not yet. Not at 12. Show him Grace while his is still young enough for that grace to influence his development as a man.


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## WorkingWife

KM87 said:


> You have articulated so many things I've been thinking. I have been encouraging my husband to go see his son - I believe he needs a greater connection with his father. I hope he pursues him better. But I truly cannot risk the safety of my little people by having him here with us. The last part of your post is something I continue to struggle with. It makes me feel almost as if I have to keep my kids safe from the negligence and indifference of their own father.


This is exactly what I was thinking. It sounds like his dad is in denial because facing this head on would inconvenience him. If my child threatened to kill my other children, I would sit up and pay attention. I would be spending as much time with the child as possible, trying to get to the bottom of where the feelings were coming from and letting the child know I loved them as much as my others but wasn't going to jeopardize anybody's safety.

I do think this could be a phase your step son is going through and in several years he may be completely different and horrified himself by what he said. So I wouldn't say "never visit" but certainly not in the next few YEARS.

Based on your husband's non-reaction I am not too surprised your step-son feels hatred toward the family that gets his dad's love and attention when he, apparently, is an inconvenience.

QUESTION - just curious, but what was your stepson's attitude while visiting? Did he seem hostile? Or did this come out of left field for you?

ALSO - It could be idle threats but kids DO kill their parents and siblings sometimes. You are right to keep him away. 

Are you able to discuss things with your husband like how concerned you are that his son REALLY needs his attention? Or whether or not your H understands why his son might feel abandoned - and rage - based on his lot in life? From the boy's perspective, His dad is not only there for you and the two new children, but his dad is there full time for his step daughter but not his own son.

He could be a sociopath or psychopath though, in which case he is probably irredeemable and you just have to stay away.

Good luck. You definitely win the prize for most difficult/scary situation.:frown2:


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## StarFires

You are not out of line. Your stance is perfectly reasonable and understandable.

I'll tell you something you aren't going to be able to battle, which is that SS's therapist will very likely tell your husband something along the lines of "These are normal feelings with stepchildren." I would be surprised if she hasn't already stated something similar. And she would be correct, in that many stepchildren dislike, resent, or all out hate their step family - you and your older child. But to have to also share their father with subsequent kids that are products of the new step family union can cause some, if not many, stepkids to become enraged. They feel their father is their own and don't want to claim these siblings because they refuse to accept the siblings as their father's children. That would mean accepting they have to share him, which they refuse to do. And it's something they never get over even after becoming adults. Sibling rivalry has always been real and is bad enough all by itself, but their feelings regarding dad's kids by another woman takes sibling rivalry to a whole new level.

I stated "some, if not many" because that's the way it goes and because that's the way it goes, then it's normal. It may be most unusual and down right unacceptable to you, but you can't discount a person's or a child's feelings and motivations. Nor can you ignore or refuse to accept what has become a common aspect of what has become a normal familial situation in our society. Because divorce is so prevalent, and what is even more prevalent is people having kids out of wedlock, in addition to people having kids by multiple partners, the most prevalent, and fastest growing, familial situation is the step/blended family. They already far outnumber nuclear families. Even if a child never lived with his absent/part time parent, they still have a longing, which often manifests as possessiveness. Children only see the world from their own selfish perspective. Their minds have not evolved enough yet to see the broader picture or to understand why they don't have father and, not only that, but they don't have their father while some other kids do have their father. Even if your SS never lived with his father, he still wants his father to himself, so he's jealous that your kids have him to themselves since his dad lives with these other children. After all, every other weekend visitation means he spends more than 20 days a month without his dad, while your kids have his dad every day. When he's in your home, he sees what he wants. How these kids feel is perfectly understandable, but that is not to suggest you should ignore this type of threat. You would have to be out of your mind and very desperate to keep your husband if you let that kid near your children and place them in jeopardy like that as someone so insanely suggested. Don't be confused that he usually seemed fine when in your home. You already stated he has problems communicating his feelings and that's why he is in therapy. He's a kid and kids have selfish views. He isn't able to process his life the way you can. His jealousy of not being able to have his dad the way your kids have his dad could, and clearly has, turned to anger and a misguided and violent way to solve the problem.

I have known some women to insist their husband visit with his other kid(s) outside the home, essentially banning the kids from her house. That usually follows extended periods of insurmountable problems in the home created by the displaced children. Some women kick their husband out because he refuses to discipline his kids, or he refuses to acknowledge the problem. They stick their head in the sand like your husband is doing. Or, they tell him that since he doesn't like that she will no longer allow his kids to come there wreaking havoc in their home and lives, then he also will have to leave, essentially banning him along with his kids due to his inability to exert any control over the situation, and/or due to his anger over her refusing to allow his kids to return. And then, there are some women who don't have the mental fortitude to do or say anything and just continue tolerating all manner of disrespect and problems from their stepchildren and from their husband who disrespects his wife for the sake of his kids and continues to allow his kids to disrespect her. The bottom line to me in these situations depends on how desperate the woman is to keep her man.

So, I think you have to examine yourself to determine how desperate you are to keep your husband and if keeping him is more important to you than keeping your children safe. So far, you have tap danced with him on the subject and haven't had the nerve to reveal the extent of your discomfort. That might be wise for the time being if for no other reason than to avoid acting prematurely and just waiting to see how things turn out. But surely you do know your stepson will be back in your home at some point in the near future, so I don't recommend putting off that hard discussion too much longer. 

You will have to prepare yourself for his unbelievable response of arguing with you, accusing you of overreacting, and accusing you of hating his son. He is going to tell you one or both of these and probably a bunch of other things you won't be able to believe are coming from him. You won't understand why he doesn't see your point, why he doesn't agree with you, and why he doesn't feel the same parental protection that you feel for the younger children. You won't understand why he will be trying to make YOU the bad guy in this whole situation. I'm just letting you know this is how it goes. This is another extremely unpleasant aspect of step families of your structure (circumstances vary when the husband is the one who is the step parent). The absent/part time fathers suffer from an overwhelming sense of guilt that is so all consuming that they can't see their error in judgment because a situation like yours places a man in the position of having to choose his second family over the first one, which he isn't going to do out of the guilt he feels for his first kid(s).

In the meanwhile, you might want to start getting your ducks in a row to prepare for life on your own with your children because the likelihood is that your husband is not going to accept your position and will insist his son be able to resume the visitation schedule. You should begin now determining how you feel about that and what you are going to do about it because your only options are to do nothing or tell him he has to leave. If you don't work and are dependent on your husband, then you're more likely to receive that kid every other weekend, half of Christmas vacation, and one week each summer with a smile. Having no options is the consequence of being a SAHM, so I hope you are working and financially independent because this situation is going to test your real values. 



minimalME said:


> No, you're not out of line.
> 
> If I were you, I'd speak to your husband in terms of your plans for yourself and the wee ones - not speaking for him in any way.
> 
> If it were me, I'd say (and I said this to my ex-husband regarding his mom) whenever you want to go visit your son, I'm willing to take up the slack here at home, and if you'd like your son to come here, I'll make plans to be away.
> 
> I wouldn't discuss it further, and I wouldn't argue about it.
> 
> Personally, I don't understand why your husband isn't horrified by this.


That worked really well regarding your MIL, but this lady can't make plans for herself and three children to be away from their own home every other weekend, half of Christmas holidays, and a week in summer.


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## jlg07

Your husband needs to wake up. His NUMBER ONE job as husband/father is to take care of his family. His son clearly needs attention and he had better focus on him NOW.
"There have often been weekends when he rarely sees his dad when he's here because he's working. We rarely see him for the same reason. It is a problem I have been addressing for years. Our kids (not to mention our marriage) suffer because of it. 

Hopefully that answers your questions! My husband is absolutely not blameless in this. But I cannot make him see the value of investing time in his kids."

Ask your husband if his JOB will be supporting him in his old age, if his JOB cares about him. Men can get focused on work (I'm guilty of that at times) but again his number 1 responsibility is YOU and your children. He may think that by doing his job he IS doing that (providing for you) but $$$ isn't the only thing that needs to be done especially for kids.


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## minimalME

StarFires said:


> ...but this lady can't make plans for herself and three children to be away from their own home every other weekend, half of Christmas holidays, and a week in summer.


She may choose not to, but she can.


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## StarFires

minimalME said:


> She may choose not to, but she can.


Deciding not to do what is senseless, impractical, expensive, inconvenient, uncomfortable, and bothersome on a regular, frequent, and sometimes extended basis doesn't mean she's choosing not to do something just because it's some kind of ridiculous-sounding option. All of those dismiss it as being an option. And besides, you don't have any idea if there are reasons that she can't do it. You can't suggest something and claim she could do it without even knowing her circumstances. One of her children could be bed-ridden or live on a ventilator and can't be moved or need special foods prepared for all you know. Nobody could gather, pack, and transport their whole life of necessities and comfort so often just because you say. You don't even have the slightest clue as to whether she'd have anyplace to go, unless, that is, you are offering to pay for their travel and accommodations every single time. Your circumstance regarding your MIL visiting now and then are nothing like her circumstances.


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## MJJEAN

In High School I was friendly with a kid who had horrible burn scars. His whole face, arms, torso...just horribly scarred. It's hard to describe. He was part of the POHI program (disabled kids in the district were sent to my school because it was the only one without stairs) because his burns left him with nerve pain, muscle damage, and with less than full use of his arms. I was helping the POHI kids one day, got assigned to him, and finally asked what happened. His elder brother set him on fire in his crib as a toddler. 

Let me repeat that. His elder brother set him on fire in his crib. Deliberately. Simply because he didn't want a brother.

His survival was miraculous, due to the extent of the burns and smoke inhalation, but left him covered with Freddie Krueger skin, a lifetime of health problems, limited mobility, pain, and a probably shortened life span. IIRC, his brother was something like 9-11 when he set the fire and the kid was just about 2.

When my sister was 12 and my brother 10 they got into an argument about some random thing I don't even remember now and neither do they. My sister lost her mind and went after our brother with a steak knife she yanked from the wood block on the kitchen counter. I came home to visit and saw my brother running by, my knife wielding sister chasing him, and went in to break it up. As I opened the doors, my brother tried to hurdle the dining room table and my sister stabbed him in the leg mid leap. Buried the blade to the grip. 

My exH's Uncle shot his brother (exH's other uncle) with a .22 when they were pre-teens. He survived, but that was more a matter of bad aim or luck.

If I were you, I'd take this very seriously and not let your step-son be alone with your children for even an instant. Not now, not ever again. I'd also consider this time to put your foot down and have a Come to Jesus talk with your husband about his lack of parenting. One of those shape up or ship out kind of talks.


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## minimalME

EDIT: Convenience trumps safety. Got it.



StarFires said:


> Deciding not to do what is senseless, impractical, expensive, inconvenient, uncomfortable, and bothersome on a regular, frequent, and sometimes extended basis doesn't mean she's choosing not to do something just because it's some kind of ridiculous-sounding option. All of those dismiss it as being an option. And besides, you don't have any idea if there are reasons that she can't do it. You can't suggest something and claim she could do it without even knowing her circumstances. One of her children could be bed-ridden or live on a ventilator and can't be moved or need special foods prepared for all you know. Nobody could gather, pack, and transport their whole life of necessities and comfort so often just because you say. You don't even have the slightest clue as to whether she'd have anyplace to go, unless, that is, you are offering to pay for their travel and accommodations every single time. Your circumstance regarding your MIL visiting now and then are nothing like her circumstances.


----------



## personofinterest

Diana7 said:


> When did your husband leave the family home? Why did he leave them?
> 
> Many children of first marriages feel rejected and abandoned when their parent goes on to have another partner and children. Not surprising really.
> Did his anger issues start when his dad left him and his mum? Wouldn't be surprising if it did, he must have bene pretty young then.
> 
> Your husband really doesn't seem to care much about his son. He isn't going to visit and hasn't been to any of the counselling sessions. He wants to resume visits but is not doing anything to help that to happen.


Yes, by all means the priority is to get the son back in the same house with the young children he wants to murder....


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## personofinterest

> I would hope that I would not be judged on some of the stupid stuff I said.


Did you ever have an actual plan in place for how you would murder a family member?


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## KM87

sokillme said:


> I think you have a right to be upset and protective of your kids I think you should do that. It's natural that you feel that way, but I would like to point out that the kid is 12. 12 year olds say stupid stuff, they may even say it out of deep emotions, but they are still learning and their brains are not yet fully developed. As we have seen here on this board, anger and lashing out it the most base response to any kind of emotion even in adults. More so in kids, especially young boys. I have a very hard time with it when adults do it, but I know what it is to be an angry adolescent boy going through puberty and angry at the world. I would hope that I would not be judged on some of the stupid stuff I said. Lots of young people are angry.
> 
> Especially young boys who are devoted to fathers who seemingly lose interest in them. He probably feels like he has been replaced. Sounds like your husband has treated your kids as poorly as he has your stepson though. If you were honest I bet you are also disappointed, the difference is you have agency in your life with an adult brain and mature emotions. This boy has no control over his life and even his own disposition yet so he lashes out.
> 
> I get that you are angry, and scared, these are your kids. I get it. I just also have some sympathy for him. So many young kids are just not equipped to deal with their emotions and they say horrible things some times. Girls say this kind of stuff too, but they don't have media reports of them shooting up schools to give the impression that every angry teenager is a gun away from a massacre.
> 
> Keep him away from your kids for sure, but what your stepson needs is grace. He needs his father to talk to him and help him learn to be a man. He needs you to talk to him and tell him how hurt you are partly because you felt like he loved your kids and they are his siblings. He needs a chance to grow and earn your trust again. Most of all he needs a strong male figure in his life to let him know what it is to be a man, how to act and how to control his natural aggression. He needs connections or he IS going to get left in the cracks. But I totally get your instinct to want him just to go away. I am sure you are also very hurt. I would encourage you to talk to him though. Tell him that. Let him have a stake in a relationship with you. That is what will make him change.
> 
> It just seems like such a waste to give up on a 12 year old kid. Where is his Father? Where was his Father?
> 
> I feel for all of you.
> 
> -------------
> 
> 
> OK I am going to now write a whole diatribe as I am want to do at times. My Dad left his first wife whom he had daughters with. These are my half sisters. After a while he met my Mom (she wasn't his mistress, but I don't think my Mom didn't the whole story that's for sure). My Dad still was active in my sisters life, so very often when I was young I would go over there to pick them up on the weekends. So I would see their Mom. She was never mean to me, she would always make stinging remarks about Dad, but never my Mom. After my Dad cheated and left my Mom she seemed clairvoyant. And my Mom and her actually became friends.
> 
> She always treated me well. She didn't have to but she did. Occasionally I would even sleep over there if you can believe it. I didn't get it at the time, but that was very big of her. I am sure that my presence was painful to her in some ways, but I didn't know it as evidenced by the fact that I didn't get it until I was older.
> 
> My sisters and I are very close. In fact we never call each others half-siblings, we are just brother and sisters. That was because of how she treated me. And how my Mom treated them. When my sister's Mom got sick and she needed a hospital bed, all of us siblings kicked in for it. Before she died I went into her room and thanked her. When she died I told my sisters that our relationship was part of her legacy. I will forever be grateful for this women.
> 
> Now my Mom. After my Dad cheated and left her, she continued to have a relationship with my sisters. She was involved in all the events, from the graduations to child births. They are very close to this day. They go out without me lots of times.
> 
> Both these women shaped my relationship with my sisters.
> 
> YOU, will probably be the biggest influence in what kind of relationship your kids and your husband's son have. This moment right here is probably going to be the most important in that. He may very well be a broken and unredeemable kid, but he could also just be a very screwed up and hurting angry kid. Someone needs to be the adult and at least try to fix this if it is fixable. This situation is different then ours was for sure and you should follow the experts advice. I know your instinct is to never have your kids see him again. But in time that may change. I think you should at least try to get your husband to help him (for YOUR kids sake).
> 
> My life is SO MUCH better for having my half siblings in it. My Mom's life is better for it, and their Mom's was better for it.
> 
> Don't give up on this boy. Don't let your husband give up on him. Not yet. Not at 12. Show him Grace while his is still young enough for that grace to influence his development as a man.


I believe in grace. I absolutely believe this kid needs a relationship with his father. I totally agree that my husband needs to wake up and do the right thing by all of his kids. However, I can't make him. And while I understand this may very well be something my stepson regrets in a few years, I am unwilling to allow him back into my home and around my small children, having plotted their ends, in the name of grace. I can see things changing later, perhaps, if he and I sometime have a heart-to-heart and I feel he is genuinely remorseful and repentant (meaning I feel there is no lingering animosity or ill will) - and my little people are quite a bit older. But until (or if) that happens, I will be encouraging my husband to step up and pursue a quality relationship with his son. However, I cannot make him take the time, get into the car, and do it. I truly have experienced grief over this - over the damage done to our family, my kids (they've basically lost big brother), him. But I do not view this as my fault, nor my responsibility to fix. His issues are, I'm sure, due in large part to the divorce and both of his parents' inability to grow up and do what's best for him. That's on them. I'm truly sorry he has to pay the price. But I won't, at this time or perhaps ever, offer my children's safety as proof of my grace for him.


----------



## KM87

WorkingWife said:


> This is exactly what I was thinking. It sounds like his dad is in denial because facing this head on would inconvenience him. If my child threatened to kill my other children, I would sit up and pay attention. I would be spending as much time with the child as possible, trying to get to the bottom of where the feelings were coming from and letting the child know I loved them as much as my others but wasn't going to jeopardize anybody's safety.
> 
> I do think this could be a phase your step son is going through and in several years he may be completely different and horrified himself by what he said. So I wouldn't say "never visit" but certainly not in the next few YEARS.
> 
> Based on your husband's non-reaction I am not too surprised your step-son feels hatred toward the family that gets his dad's love and attention when he, apparently, is an inconvenience.
> 
> QUESTION - just curious, but what was your stepson's attitude while visiting? Did he seem hostile? Or did this come out of left field for you?
> 
> ALSO - It could be idle threats but kids DO kill their parents and siblings sometimes. You are right to keep him away.
> 
> Are you able to discuss things with your husband like how concerned you are that his son REALLY needs his attention? Or whether or not your H understands why his son might feel abandoned - and rage - based on his lot in life? From the boy's perspective, His dad is not only there for you and the two new children, but his dad is there full time for his step daughter but not his own son.
> 
> He could be a sociopath or psychopath though, in which case he is probably irredeemable and you just have to stay away.
> 
> Good luck. You definitely win the prize for most difficult/scary situation.<a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_sad.png" border="0" alt="" title="Frown" ></a>


Thank you for your comments! And to answer your question, this did come out of left field, a bit. I have always known him to have difficulty communicating, and some angry tendencies. But, as I mentioned in an earlier post, he has always enjoyed being here with us, voluntarily played with all of the little ones. My husband and I always felt like he felt safe here, to be himself, and to be a part of a bigger family. I have always treated him fairly. I run a tight ship and his mother does not expect much from him. So there definitely have been times where he's dug his heels in on some of my expectations, but I have always felt that's to be expected when he's so seldom here. And if I expect it of my kids, I expect it of him too (things like chores, sharing, limiting screen time, encouraging time outside, eating vegetables, etc...).

My husband thinks I am crazy when I talk about how important a role he plays, how sensitive children are to their circumstances and surroundings, how important it is to parent them well and be purposeful in how you discipline, and spend quality time with them. He doesn't get it. I wish our conversations on the subject would sink in. He really needs to wake up. And I can't believe this hasn't caused him to do that!


----------



## KM87

StarFires said:


> You are not out of line. Your stance is perfectly reasonable and understandable.
> 
> I'll tell you something you aren't going to be able to battle, which is that SS's therapist will very likely tell your husband something along the lines of "These are normal feelings with stepchildren." I would be surprised if she hasn't already stated something similar. And she would be correct, in that many stepchildren dislike, resent, or all out hate their step family - you and your older child. But to have to also share their father with subsequent kids that are products of the new step family union can cause some, if not many, stepkids to become enraged. They feel their father is their own and don't want to claim these siblings because they refuse to accept the siblings as their father's children. That would mean accepting they have to share him, which they refuse to do. And it's something they never get over even after becoming adults. Sibling rivalry has always been real and is bad enough all by itself, but their feelings regarding dad's kids by another woman takes sibling rivalry to a whole new level.
> 
> I stated "some, if not many" because that's the way it goes and because that's the way it goes, then it's normal. It may be most unusual and down right unacceptable to you, but you can't discount a person's or a child's feelings and motivations. Nor can you ignore or refuse to accept what has become a common aspect of what has become a normal familial situation in our society. Because divorce is so prevalent, and what is even more prevalent is people having kids out of wedlock, in addition to people having kids by multiple partners, the most prevalent, and fastest growing, familial situation is the step/blended family. They already far outnumber nuclear families. Even if a child never lived with his absent/part time parent, they still have a longing, which often manifests as possessiveness. Children only see the world from their own selfish perspective. Their minds have not evolved enough yet to see the broader picture or to understand why they don't have father and, not only that, but they don't have their father while some other kids do have their father. Even if your SS never lived with his father, he still wants his father to himself, so he's jealous that your kids have him to themselves since his dad lives with these other children. After all, every other weekend visitation means he spends more than 20 days a month without his dad, while your kids have his dad every day. When he's in your home, he sees what he wants. How these kids feel is perfectly understandable, but that is not to suggest you should ignore this type of threat. You would have to be out of your mind and very desperate to keep your husband if you let that kid near your children and place them in jeopardy like that as someone so insanely suggested. Don't be confused that he usually seemed fine when in your home. You already stated he has problems communicating his feelings and that's why he is in therapy. He's a kid and kids have selfish views. He isn't able to process his life the way you can. His jealousy of not being able to have his dad the way your kids have his dad could, and clearly has, turned to anger and a misguided and violent way to solve the problem.
> 
> I have known some women to insist their husband visit with his other kid(s) outside the home, essentially banning the kids from her house. That usually follows extended periods of insurmountable problems in the home created by the displaced children. Some women kick their husband out because he refuses to discipline his kids, or he refuses to acknowledge the problem. They stick their head in the sand like your husband is doing. Or, they tell him that since he doesn't like that she will no longer allow his kids to come there wreaking havoc in their home and lives, then he also will have to leave, essentially banning him along with his kids due to his inability to exert any control over the situation, and/or due to his anger over her refusing to allow his kids to return. And then, there are some women who don't have the mental fortitude to do or say anything and just continue tolerating all manner of disrespect and problems from their stepchildren and from their husband who disrespects his wife for the sake of his kids and continues to allow his kids to disrespect her. The bottom line to me in these situations depends on how desperate the woman is to keep her man.
> 
> So, I think you have to examine yourself to determine how desperate you are to keep your husband and if keeping him is more important to you than keeping your children safe. So far, you have tap danced with him on the subject and haven't had the nerve to reveal the extent of your discomfort. That might be wise for the time being if for no other reason than to avoid acting prematurely and just waiting to see how things turn out. But surely you do know your stepson will be back in your home at some point in the near future, so I don't recommend putting off that hard discussion too much longer.
> 
> You will have to prepare yourself for his unbelievable response of arguing with you, accusing you of overreacting, and accusing you of hating his son. He is going to tell you one or both of these and probably a bunch of other things you won't be able to believe are coming from him. You won't understand why he doesn't see your point, why he doesn't agree with you, and why he doesn't feel the same parental protection that you feel for the younger children. You won't understand why he will be trying to make YOU the bad guy in this whole situation. I'm just letting you know this is how it goes. This is another extremely unpleasant aspect of step families of your structure (circumstances vary when the husband is the one who is the step parent). The absent/part time fathers suffer from an overwhelming sense of guilt that is so all consuming that they can't see their error in judgment because a situation like yours places a man in the position of having to choose his second family over the first one, which he isn't going to do out of the guilt he feels for his first kid(s).
> 
> In the meanwhile, you might want to start getting your ducks in a row to prepare for life on your own with your children because the likelihood is that your husband is not going to accept your position and will insist his son be able to resume the visitation schedule. You should begin now determining how you feel about that and what you are going to do about it because your only options are to do nothing or tell him he has to leave. If you don't work and are dependent on your husband, then you're more likely to receive that kid every other weekend, half of Christmas vacation, and one week each summer with a smile. Having no options is the consequence of being a SAHM, so I hope you are working and financially independent because this situation is going to test your real values.
> 
> 
> 
> minimalME said:
> 
> 
> 
> No, you're not out of line.
> 
> If I were you, I'd speak to your husband in terms of your plans for yourself and the wee ones - not speaking for him in any way.
> 
> If it were me, I'd say (and I said this to my ex-husband regarding his mom) whenever you want to go visit your son, I'm willing to take up the slack here at home, and if you'd like your son to come here, I'll make plans to be away.
> 
> I wouldn't discuss it further, and I wouldn't argue about it.
> 
> Personally, I don't understand why your husband isn't horrified by this.
> 
> 
> 
> That worked really well regarding your MIL, but this lady can't make plans for herself and three children to be away from their own home every other weekend, half of Christmas holidays, and a week in summer.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your comments!

I am not at all desperate to keep my husband. I am a sahm, but I run my own business also and have income that could support us. I already have a timeline in place for when I need to see some changes to my husband's priorities, work/life balance, and other problems I believe to be detrimental to our family. That was in place before this debacle. The clock is ticking.

And yes, I encourage my husband to pursue his relationship with his son. I won't allow him in my house, as uprooting my small children so frequently would be a nightmare. I told him he can drive there, or they can be here (in our town) and stay in a hotel (my stepson would probably love that anyway).


----------



## KM87

MJJEAN said:


> In High School I was friendly with a kid who had horrible burn scars. His whole face, arms, torso...just horribly scarred. It's hard to describe. He was part of the POHI program (disabled kids in the district were sent to my school because it was the only one without stairs) because his burns left him with nerve pain, muscle damage, and with less than full use of his arms. I was helping the POHI kids one day, got assigned to him, and finally asked what happened. His elder brother set him on fire in his crib as a toddler.
> 
> Let me repeat that. His elder brother set him on fire in his crib. Deliberately. Simply because he didn't want a brother.
> 
> His survival was miraculous, due to the extent of the burns and smoke inhalation, but left him covered with Freddie Krueger skin, a lifetime of health problems, limited mobility, pain, and a probably shortened life span. IIRC, his brother was something like 9-11 when he set the fire and the kid was just about 2.
> 
> When my sister was 12 and my brother 10 they got into an argument about some random thing I don't even remember now and neither do they. My sister lost her mind and went after our brother with a steak knife she yanked from the wood block on the kitchen counter. I came home to visit and saw my brother running by, my knife wielding sister chasing him, and went in to break it up. As I opened the doors, my brother tried to hurdle the dining room table and my sister stabbed him in the leg mid leap. Buried the blade to the grip.
> 
> My exH's Uncle shot his brother (exH's other uncle) with a .22 when they were pre-teens. He survived, but that was more a matter of bad aim or luck.
> 
> If I were you, I'd take this very seriously and not let your step-son be alone with your children for even an instant. Not now, not ever again. I'd also consider this time to put your foot down and have a Come to Jesus talk with your husband about his lack of parenting. One of those shape up or ship out kind of talks.


Thank you for sharing! These are horrifying. I do take this very seriously. And thank you for your advice on the conversation. I hope my husband takes it seriously.


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## KM87

personofinterest said:


> Yes, by all means the priority is to get the son back in the same house with the young children he wants to murder....


Right?! Ugh. I am/have been incredulous.


----------



## sokillme

KM87 said:


> I believe in grace. I absolutely believe this kid needs a relationship with his father. I totally agree that my husband needs to wake up and do the right thing by all of his kids. However, I can't make him. And while I understand this may very well be something my stepson regrets in a few years, I am unwilling to allow him back into my home and around my small children, having plotted their ends, in the name of grace. I can see things changing later, perhaps, if he and I sometime have a heart-to-heart and I feel he is genuinely remorseful and repentant (meaning I feel there is no lingering animosity or ill will) - and my little people are quite a bit older. But until (or if) that happens, I will be encouraging my husband to step up and pursue a quality relationship with his son. However, I cannot make him take the time, get into the car, and do it. I truly have experienced grief over this - over the damage done to our family, my kids (they've basically lost big brother), him. But I do not view this as my fault, nor my responsibility to fix. His issues are, I'm sure, due in large part to the divorce and both of his parents' inability to grow up and do what's best for him. That's on them. I'm truly sorry he has to pay the price. But I won't, at this time or perhaps ever, offer my children's safety as proof of my grace for him.


I think this is fair. I was not suggesting you introduce him back into your house at this time. My only point was to not give up on him. He obviously will need to earn everyone's trust.


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## KM87

sokillme said:


> I think this is fair. I was not suggesting you introduce him back into your house at this time. My only point was to not give up on him. He obviously will need to earn everyone's trust.


I agree! No intention of giving up here. I only hope my husband pursues this vigorously. I think he is key.


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## frusdil

KM87 said:


> Thank you for your comments!
> 
> I am not at all desperate to keep my husband. I am a sahm, but I run my own business also and have income that could support us. I already have a timeline in place for when I need to see some changes to my husband's priorities, work/life balance, and other problems I believe to be detrimental to our family. That was in place before this debacle. The clock is ticking.
> 
> And yes, I encourage my husband to pursue his relationship with his son. I won't allow him in my house, as uprooting my small children so frequently would be a nightmare. I told him he can drive there, or they can be here (in our town) and stay in a hotel (my stepson would probably love that anyway).


Absolutely this. Its completely unreasonable for you to have to uproot yourself and small children on a fortnightly basis.


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## FieryHairedLady

Yes this boy needs love and support and he needs his dad. But he doesn't need to be around his other siblings. This kid needs mental help.


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## 3Xnocharm

I understand and support your position of not wanting him around the littles. 

Have you had the opportunity to talk with your SS? Have you visted? What about you and your H, or even just you, going for sessions with him and his therapist? It seems like something that ALL the parents need to be involved in, family counseling for sure seems to be in order here. I understand exactly what you are dealing with as far as your lazy, uninvolved husband goes. Its really sad that his own son is deemed an inconvenience to him.


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