# Not Sleeping in Same Bed = Less Sex?



## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

I have another thread open, but now I am talking more about sexual frequency. 

I am 43, I have been married for 16 years and we have a very nice marriage. We have sex about once a week sometimes once in every two weeks. For me it is not enough.

The issue is, we have both gained weight over the last 10 years but I have gained the most. This has led to me snoring and being kicked out of the bedroom. In fact, I have been sleeping on the couch for about 8 years now. 

My wife has told me that just us going to bed in the same bed would be more intimate for her and that we would have sex more often. And right now, we just feel like roommates who have sex every now and then.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but I find a lot of articles and studies saying that sleeping in opposite beds has no effect on sex frequency or intimacy. 

Anyone have this experience?

Obviously I need to lose weight, because I will have added effect of just looking more attractive, but would us sleeping in the same bed increase the frequency? Or maybe it is is not a general statement, maybe it would help increase the frequent for US, because she came out and said it would.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you're unsatisfied with your current sex life. Your wife has explicitly said "Do this, and we'll have sex more often". It costs nothing.

What's your question again? Why do you need "proof" that this will be effective? Why not do what you know you should do (lose weight) and try the sleeping in the same bed thing? Why not make the losing weight thing a shared experience with your wife. Quite frankly, anything you can do as a couple or team will likely have the effect of connecting you closer emotionally, which means a greater likelihood of sex for you. You can't lose by trying.

C


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

In my marriage it sure would have an effect. We have a lot of morning sex. And middle of the night sex. Kinda hard to do that if you're not even in the same room.

I don't care how much weight my hubby gained, I would NEVER 'kick him out' of our bedroom. I'd get a divorce first. And then tell him we'd have more sex if we slept in the same bed. Mixed signals much??


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

Me and my husband have the same problem. We are 29/32, and have not only been sleeping in separate beds, but separate rooms, and different floors. 
He has gained a lot of weight, and because of this, I just cant sleep with him. He snores, and to be honest (not saying you have this problem, but its a problem for us), but because he is so big, he smells terrible to me. He refuses to shower daily, so I refuse to sleep with him. 
I have HD, and he is LD...but I know that if he lost some weight and put the effort in to make himself cleaner...I would be all over that. 
But, until then, I will sleep away from him...and our sex life will go no where.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Technically she didn't kick me out of the bedroom. My snoring got so loud that she just couldn't sleep. There was no choice really.

You don't divorce someone for snoring lol


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> In my marriage it sure would have an effect. We have a lot of morning sex. And middle of the night sex. Kinda hard to do that if you're not even in the same room.
> 
> I don't care how much weight my hubby gained, I would NEVER 'kick him out' of our bedroom. I'd get a divorce first. And then tell him we'd have more sex if we slept in the same bed. Mixed signals much??


You say that now, because you don't have that problem.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

darkrat said:


> Technically she didn't kick me out of the bedroom. My snoring got so loud that she just couldn't sleep. There was no choice really.
> 
> You don't divorce someone for snoring lol


:iagree::iagree:


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Walk one mile, then two when you can. Use a smaller dinner plate. When you can, eat every other day. You will loose the weight fast this way. Get back in one bed when you are ready. This is your life until you die, don't waste it being obese. No one is forcing food into you, only you are.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Needy_Wife said:


> You say that now, because you don't have that problem.


Exactly. I feel bad for all of those nights where my snoring kept her up.

I am really having an awakening today...


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

DavidWYoung said:


> Walk one mile, then two when you can. Use a smaller dinner plate. When you can, eat every other day. You will loose the weight fast this way. Get back in one bed when you are ready. This is your life until you die, don't waste it being obese. No one is forcing food into you, only you are.


The skip meals thing is working. Intermittent fasting is amazing. Lost 10 pounds so far, need to lose much more.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i sleep in a diff room than my wife (she snores me light sleeper) we still have sex 4 to 7 times a week


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sure, I've never been there, and I guess my opinion doesn't mean as much as those who have. But it seems to me that if things are to the point where you see no choice but to sleep apart, then you're roommates and not spouses any more.

It's more than just snoring. To smell bad? Or be that big? To me, that's more than just a snoring problem.

I get that people struggle with their weight. I'm not exactly tiny and neither is my husband. He DOES snore sometimes and wake me up, too. not often, but once in a while. But if you're struggling, don't you want your spouse to stand by you? And not resign yourselves to this?


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> Sure, I've never been there, and I guess my opinion doesn't mean as much as those who have. But it seems to me that if things are to the point where you see no choice but to sleep apart, then you're roommates and not spouses any more.
> 
> It's more than just snoring. To smell bad? Or be that big? To me, that's more than just a snoring problem.
> 
> I get that people struggle with their weight. I'm not exactly tiny and neither is my husband. He DOES snore sometimes and wake me up, too. not often, but once in a while. But if you're struggling, don't you want your spouse to stand by you? And not resign yourselves to this?


I still have to sleep. I have 3 kids, and put in 100 hours every 2 weeks. I cant stay up because he is snoring. 
We aren't just roommates because we sleep apart. There are many other things couples do to make themselves a couple, other than sleeping together. 
I still love him, obviously. I am not going to leave him because he is overweight and snores. I do help him...but when it comes to bedtime...Yeah, I need sleep.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Sure, I've never been there, and I guess my opinion doesn't mean as much as those who have. But it seems to me that if things are to the point where you see no choice but to sleep apart, then you're roommates and not spouses any more.
> 
> It's more than just snoring. To smell bad? Or be that big? To me, that's more than just a snoring problem.
> 
> I get that people struggle with their weight. I'm not exactly tiny and neither is my husband. He DOES snore sometimes and wake me up, too. not often, but once in a while. But if you're struggling, don't you want your spouse to stand by you? And not resign yourselves to this?


Well for one I certainly don't smell. That is a big no/no and I would be a major issue for me. 

I snore every night, and LOUD, like sawing a tree down. My wife is also a light sleeper, not a good mix. I basically have to get back to my wedding weight to get back into the bedroom.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Needy_Wife said:


> I still have to sleep. I have 3 kids, and put in 100 hours every 2 weeks. I cant stay up because he is snoring.
> We aren't just roommates because we sleep apart. There are many other things couples do to make themselves a couple, other than sleeping together.
> I still love him, obviously. I am not going to leave him because he is overweight and snores. I do help him...but when it comes to bedtime...Yeah, I need sleep.


Ok, so sleeping apart may be a temporary solution, in order to get some much needed rest. but it isn't addressing the real problem (s). They've been sleeping apart for 8 years. it sounds like a way of life to me.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Needy_Wife said:


> I still have to sleep. I have 3 kids, and put in 100 hours every 2 weeks. I cant stay up because he is snoring.
> We aren't just roommates because we sleep apart. There are many other things couples do to make themselves a couple, other than sleeping together.
> I still love him, obviously. I am not going to leave him because he is overweight and snores. I do help him...but when it comes to bedtime...Yeah, I need sleep.


But you need to talk to him about the "smell" part of it.
People are not always smelly because they are fat or overweight. Sure there are more "pockets" where sweat can build up, but if he smells all the time he needs to keep himself cleaner. By not doing that, he is not showing you any respect.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BTW OP... Have you been checked for sleep apnea?

C


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Ok, so sleeping apart may be a temporary solution, in order to get some much needed rest. but it isn't addressing the real problem (s). They've been sleeping apart for 8 years. it sounds like a way of life to me.


It is a way of life until I can stop my snoring problem.
Of course sleeping apart isn't addressing the real problem. The real problem is I need to lose weight and stop snoring.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

PBear said:


> BTW OP... Have you been checked for sleep apnea?
> 
> C


Oh I most definitely have it no doubt. I am sleepy in the afternoon and almost dose off driving home from work at 4pm. I wake up sometimes two or three times a night to pee.

One time I had a dream that I was suffocating. When I woke up I was out of breath. Turns out I prob WAS suffocating and it manifested in my dream.

I refuse to wear a sleep machine. I am trying to lose weight to cure it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

darkrat said:


> Well for one I certainly don't smell. That is a big no/no and I would be a major issue for me.
> 
> I snore every night, and LOUD, like sawing a tree down. My wife is also a light sleeper, not a good mix. I basically have to get back to my wedding weight to get back into the bedroom.


I know you don't smell - someone else said that 

Getting back to your wedding weight is a totally unrealistic goal.

Has your wife ever considered ear plugs?

Are the two of you working on reducing your weight together?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"Getting back to your wedding weight is a totally unrealistic goal."



Wha.....????

Why is it "totally unrealistic"?


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I know you don't smell - someone else said that
> 
> Getting back to your wedding weight is a totally unrealistic goal.
> 
> ...


I don't need to be at my wedding weight but I want to be close. I think we should all do our best to be at least within 10 to 20 pounds of our wedding weight.

She uses them when we go on trips with the kids and we are all sleeping in the same hotel room. They are impractical however, to wear them all the time. They are not always comfortable, and for a Mother, not hearing if your kids are calling for you would be a nightmare.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why is getting back to your wedding weight unrealistic? At 45 years old, I have a suit that was purchased before my wedding that (although not currently fashionable  ) fits me loosely after I went through a lifestyle change at 42. It's totally possible. And as a guy, losing weight is often not the struggle it is for women, however unfair that is.

C


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

PBear said:


> Why is getting back to your wedding weight unrealistic? At 45 years old, I have a suit that was purchased before my wedding that (although not currently fashionable  ) fits me loosely after I went through a lifestyle change at 42. It's totally possible. And as a guy, losing weight is often not the struggle it is for women, however unfair that is.
> 
> C


I agree. As guys, we are really lucky when it comes to losing weight. We have a built in advantage. It just comes off quicker.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

To let him back into the marriage bed, it is. Most people gain weight as they age, and find it harder and harder to lose. To tell someone they can't sleep with you till you weigh the same as you did when you got married is just setting them up for failure, especially the longer you've been married.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't think his wife told him that. He just knows that is how much weight he has to lose to stop the snoring.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Don't get me wrong, it's a great goal to have, for you personally. But for her to say that is totally unrealistic. I just do not like the way your wife is coming across here, I guess, either.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't think his wife told him that. He just knows that is how much weight he has to lose to stop the snoring.


Fair enough - is this the case OP?


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

She never told me to get to my wedding weight.
Like I said I want to be close to my wedding weight.

I am a big guy, I am 6'6" and 324 pounds. I used to weigh 340 so I am making progress. My saving grace is that with my height I hide my weight well. When I got married in 1996 I was 235 pounds. I know that I started snoring right around 250 to 260 pounds as my neck slowly started getting bigger.

This is a goal set for myself.

If I stop snoring, I am back in the bed, regardless of weight. But I know the weight I need to be at to stop the snoring...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

To me, it's simple. Separate rooms or separate bed = sexless. I didn't get married to sleep alone, and I absolutely will not leave my bed. If she wants to leave the bed, she can. If she does it too much or permanently, then I'll divorce. This is one of my boundaries. If I'm married, then I'm sleeping with my wife.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

darkrat said:


> I refuse to wear a sleep machine. I am trying to lose weight to cure it.


You do know that it doesn't always work that way, right? I know of quite a few people, including my own mother, who have lost a lot of weight and STILL need to use a cpap machine. Also, one thing I know for certain is that when you have one, you get the oxygen you need when sleeping, making you less tired/not tired during the day.... which gives you more energy...which *gasp* means you can exercise more, so you lose weight, so you no longer need the machine (maybe)...But, since you refuse to even consider it...  What about Breath Right strips or SOMETHING to try? Seriously, continuing without breathing properly while you sleep isn't going to help you, even if you do alter your diet and exercise a little.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> To me, it's simple. Separate rooms or separate bed = sexless. I didn't get married to sleep alone, and I absolutely will not leave my bed. If she wants to leave the bed, she can. If she does it too much or permanently, then I'll divorce. This is one of my boundaries. If I'm married, then I'm sleeping with my wife.


It is simple for you because you don't have this issue. what would you do if your wife gained weight and started snoring and you were a loud sleeper?

You are saying you would divorce her or never sleep? Which is it? lol


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

darkrat said:


> She never told me to get to my wedding weight.
> Like I said I want to be close to my wedding weight.
> 
> I am a big guy, I am 6'6" and 324 pounds. I used to weigh 340 so I am making progress. My saving grace is that with my height I hide my weight well. When I got married in 1996 I was 235 pounds. I know that I started snoring right around 250 to 260 pounds as my neck slowly started getting bigger.
> ...


Thanks for clarifying that. I still don't like your wifes attitude though.

What are you going to do if she says you're still snoring after you lose the weight? Or that she doesn't want you back in the bed because she's used to sleeping by herself now?


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> You do know that it doesn't always work that way, right? I know of quite a few people, including my own mother, who have lost a lot of weight and STILL need to use a cpap machine. Also, one thing I know for certain is that when you have one, you get the oxygen you need when sleeping, making you less tired/not tired during the day.... which gives you more energy...which *gasp* means you can exercise more, so you lose weight, so you no longer need the machine (maybe)...But, since you refuse to even consider it...  What about Breath Right strips or SOMETHING to try? Seriously, continuing without breathing properly while you sleep isn't going to help you, even if you do alter your diet and exercise a little.


We use breathe right strips on the road.
They don't solve the snoring 100%
But in my case I am 100% positive snoring will almost go away completely if I lose weight. I know this because I did not snore when i was thin.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

darkrat said:


> I am 100% positive snoring will almost go away completely


:scratchhead: 

I gotta agree with Maricha - sleep apnea isn't always just caused by being overweight. You're a few years older now than when you didn't snore too. Things may just not be the same.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

darkrat said:


> It is simple for you because you don't have this issue. what would you do if your wife gained weight and started snoring and you were a loud sleeper?
> 
> You are saying you would divorce her or never sleep? Which is it? lol


I had a cpap machine, myself about 7 years ago. Well, I got it 9 years ago, but stopped using it after my 2nd child was born...after I had lost about 200 pounds. Yea, I gained a lot, too. But, to me, having a machine help me sleep, even while I was trying to lose the weight was much more important than stupid pride. And that's what it is...that's ALL it is. When we choose to maintain status quo (not breathing, in this case) rather than seek treatment and get the energy needed. I never left our bed. He never required it, never requested it. He was the one working. I was home all day with our oldest child. And now, HE is the one using a cpap machine. Even when he was snoring before getting it, the idea of him sleeping elsewhere or me sleeping elsewhere was never an option. 

So, for me, no divorce. No snoring. Suck it up and get treatment for it. It doesn't ALWAYS stay a necessity. But right now, your health is at greater risk than if you were "just" overweight.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

darkrat said:


> We use breathe right strips on the road.
> They don't solve the snoring 100%
> But in my case I am 100% positive snoring will almost go away completely if I lose weight. I know this because I did not snore when i was thin.


What does your doctor say? I'm 100% positive that there is a good chance you may still have the problem of snoring, or just plain APNEA even after losing weight.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

darkrat said:


> This may seem like a no-brainer, but I find a lot of articles and studies saying that sleeping in opposite beds has no effect on sex frequency or intimacy.


Obviously done by morons if they exist.

Get back in your bed with your wife.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Thanks for clarifying that. I still don't like your wifes attitude though.
> 
> What are you going to do if she says you're still snoring after you lose the weight? Or that she doesn't want you back in the bed because she's used to sleeping by herself now?


Why would she say that she is used to sleeping by herself? That's make no sense. She has been bugging me for years about getting back into bed with her. Does that sound like someone who wants to sleep alone?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

darkrat said:


> Why would she say that she is used to sleeping by herself? That's make no sense. She has been bugging me for years about getting back into bed with her. Does that sound like someone who wants to sleep alone?


OK now I am confused. You said she kicked you out of your bed :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> OK now I am confused. You said she kicked you out of your bed :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead:


No, he, apparently, did it on his own... out of the kindness of his heart because he says she was awake all night due to his snoring. So, rather than do something about the snoring, he just took it to another room.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

darkrat said:


> This has led to me snoring and being kicked out of the bedroom.


I have a feeling there's a wee bit we aren't being told here. This doesn't sound like something he did voluntarily to me.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

darkrat said:


> Why would she say that she is used to sleeping by herself? That's make no sense. She has been bugging me for years about getting back into bed with her. Does that sound like someone who wants to sleep alone?


And actually, it's still a possibility. She's been bugging you to get back into the bed... yet you still haven't. Once you finally are satisfied enough with your weight loss, and go back in there, she may very well say that she IS used to sleeping alone... and no longer wants you to sleep there. It happens. And is/was preventable.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I have a feeling there's a wee bit we aren't being told here. This doesn't sound like something he did voluntarily to me.


He did change it a bit later 



darkrat said:


> Technically she didn't kick me out of the bedroom. My snoring got so loud that she just couldn't sleep. There was no choice really.
> 
> You don't divorce someone for snoring lol


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Something else we need clarified then, because even that second post doesn't sound like it was his choice.

I want the REAL reason that they don't sleep together. Snoring, weight, refusal to use CPAP, those are just excuses, not really reasons.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I really don't think that sleeping in the same bed is the be all and end all, although I do notice that very many people appear to have an issue with it.

My husband and I have had some difficulties recently and he has lost his libido. We had a sexless marriage for well over 3 years whilst still in the same bed.

Things were getting difficult and came to a head recently but before they came to a head he moved into the spare room of his own volition because he was constantly restless at night due to business worries and thus kept me awake.

Being able to sleep properly makes a MASSIVE difference to me, and him not feeling guilty about keeping me awake makes a big difference to him, too. He is now sleeping OK but still gets up for the bathroom a couple of times in the night.

Although we are now trying to get our sex life back on track there is no way that we are moving back to sleep in the same bed. Neither of us wants to. I realise that makes spontaneous sex in the night or morning something of a challenge. However, since he has ED and is currently trying Viagra, spontaneous sex is off the agenda anyway.

We still have our cuddles and most of the time will leap into one or other of our beds for a cuddle before separating to sleep.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Something else we need clarified then, because even that second post doesn't sound like it was his choice.
> 
> I want the REAL reason that they don't sleep together. Snoring, weight, refusal to use CPAP, those are just excuses, not really reasons.


Excessive porn use/masturbation? Insistence on incorporating toys? Playing footsie while she's sleeping?


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Hope, I think you are digging for something that isn't there. You are over-thinking it.

The REAL reason I am sleeping in another room is because my snoring keeps her awake. That's it.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Excessive porn use/masturbation? Insistence on incorporating toys? Playing footsie while she's sleeping?


Now you gals are grasping at straws.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

My wife LOVEs spontaneous sex and hates planning for it, therefore getting back in the bed I would think leads to more sex for sure.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Whose decision was it you move out of the bedroom - yours or hers or mutual?

I am perfectly willing to be wrong, and I hope I am. I just cannot fathom why a couple would want to sleep separately in what sounds like a fairly permanent arrangement if everything really is so hunky dory other than the snoring.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Whose decision was it you move out of the bedroom - yours or hers or mutual?
> 
> I am perfectly willing to be wrong, and I hope I am. I just cannot fathom why a couple would want to sleep separately in what sounds like a fairly permanent arrangement if everything really is so hunky dory other than the snoring.


It was mutual. I can't recall where one of us ever said "okay that's it"...

I used "kicked" out of the bedroom not to be taken literally.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

darkrat said:


> I used "kicked" out of the bedroom not to be taken literally.


Oops 

But now your wife wants you back in bed, right? So why won't you go?


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Oops
> 
> But now your wife wants you back in bed, right? So why won't you go?


Oh my god Hope, I cant go back because I will keep her awake.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

darkrat said:


> Oh my god Hope, I cant go back because I will keep her awake.


Cop out. She wants you there. You are refusing. YOU are keeping YOURSELF out.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

darkrat said:


> Oh my god Hope, I cant go back because I will keep her awake.


If you're honest with yourself, that isn't the real reason. She WANTS YOU THERE. Or is that just another ambiguous statement you've made that's only half true?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

We both snore. Me more than her. She wears earplugs. I can sleep through anything. I agree that it's a cop out.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

darkrat said:


> Oh my god Hope, I cant go back because I will keep her awake.


Why not try at least once a week sleeping in same bed. Do it on a Friday or Saturday night (if off weekends) so that she can nap during the day if it turns out to be a bad night. (Weekends also better for spontaneous sex.)

When you do this, employ some white noise. Have a fan going all night. Also, I have had some success with running a humidifier along my side of the bed at night. It both provides white noise along with some moisture that takes some of the sting out of the deepest snoring.

You are right that losing the weight is the best bet. I've gone from 6"3' 270 lbs to 240 lbs. It's made a world of difference in my snoring. 

But try some of the other mechanisms that will help you ease into some new sleeping habits even as you continue to lose the weight.

Good job on taking this on. It's important for you marriage, and it's important for your health!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I actually don't think this one is a cop out.

My H snores, but not that badly, and I am a deep sleeper.

He, on the other hand, is a very light sleeper and if I snored as loud as he does, he wouldn't be able to sleep....and we would have to figure out some kind of sleeping arrangement.

If someone is a light sleeper, and he said his wife is one, this type of problem can most definitely be a huge issue.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> If you're honest with yourself, that isn't the real reason. She WANTS YOU THERE. Or is that just another ambiguous statement you've made that's only half true?


I don't think there are nefarious intentions here at all. When you're a bad snorer, you sleep "stressed" because you know that as you fade off to sleep, you will be creating noise that will hurt your partner. You actually feel guilty for going to sleep. 

Retreating to a different room is actually the only way for yourself to get a good night's sleep when you also care about your partner's welfare.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Start going to bed in the same bed - reestablish the intimacy. 

Meanwhile, work on dropping a bit of the weight to resolve the snoring. Maybe the two of you could work on that together?

I know I feel less connected with hubby if he's sleeping on the couch.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> If someone is a light sleeper, and he said his wife is one, this type of problem can most definitely be a huge issue.


And yet, he says SHE wants him to come back into the bedroom. Must not be THAT bad if she wants him back there!



MarriedTex said:


> I don't think there are nefarious intentions here at all. When you're a bad snorer, you sleep "stressed" because you know that as you fade off to sleep, you will be creating noise that will hurt your partner. You actually feel guilty for going to sleep.
> 
> Retreating to a different room is actually the only way for yourself to get a good night's sleep when you also care about your partner's welfare.


Yet, he still doesn't get a good night's sleep. He's tired all day, etc... because of his apnea. So, he goes to a different room, ostensibly to get a good night's sleep because his snoring, if he stayed, would keep her awake, yet he wouldn't sleep well, knowing he kept her awake. Quite the conundrum they have.

SHE wants him back in there. HE is balking.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Maricha....You're right. It just hit me.

He likely doesn't want to come back to bed with her because he is up at night, secretly watching porn in a different bedroom. And if he goes back to he marital bed, he won't get his addiction fed.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

darkrat said:


> The issue is, we have both gained weight, I have gained the most. This has led to me snoring and being kicked out of the bedroom.


`Apologize if this has ALREADY been brought up as I just read 1st and last page... **BUT**

It could be a health issue. I was diaganosed with "Sleep Apnea: a while back and now have a CPAP machine that helps me get sleep. 




> Sleep Apnea - Symptoms:
> -Loud snoring. Almost all people who have sleep apnea snore. But not all people who snore have sleep apnea



Not saying you have this, but could be worth looking into with your doctor. 

Good Luck & I agree that sleeping in the same bed will help. My wife can not sleep good without me in bed. I find that fact to be a super ego boost. `Sounds like it could be worth the effort in trying. Trying something new here may not hurt, especially if you're not currently happy.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

dsGrazzl3D said:


> `Apologize if this has ALREADY been brought up as I just read 1st and last page... **BUT**
> 
> It could be a health issue. I was diaganosed with "Sleep Apnea: a while back and now have a CPAP machine that helps me get sleep.
> 
> ...


Oh, he knows... he *refuses* to use a machine.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Oh, he knows... he *refuses* to use a machine.


You seem to be a little aggressive towards me. Not sure why.
I come on here, seeking help, and you and Hope are all over me.

There has been so much speculation in the last few posts by you guys I don't know where to start.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> And yet, he says SHE wants him to come back into the bedroom. Must not be THAT bad if she wants him back there!
> 
> 
> Yet, he still doesn't get a good night's sleep. He's tired all day, etc... because of his apnea. So, he goes to a different room, ostensibly to get a good night's sleep because his snoring, if he stayed, would keep her awake, yet he wouldn't sleep well, knowing he kept her awake. Quite the conundrum they have.
> ...


More speculation without all the facts. When did I ever say that I haven't tried to come back to the bedroom? I have tried a several times, and woke her up every single time, multiple times from snoring. 

She wants me in the bed with her, but not if I am snoring. I don't know what your motive is but just about every comment you and Hope have made in my threads have been wrong.

This site has a deep seeded hatred for porn, and there is no sympathy or anything like that, even for a guy like me who admits he has a problem. 

I expected more from the users of a site like this, I really did..


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I just have to move this over here from his other thread because maybe, just MAYBE, it's relevant???
> What do I do? Has my *porn addiction* (and yes, it is an addiction. Two hours a night, every night, while she is at work) screwed things up?


Now why do that? Are you trying to stir the pot? Do you think that helps? I admit I have an issue and you quote it in all caps to embarrass me? That's pretty low.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Maricha....You're right. It just hit me.
> 
> He likely doesn't want to come back to bed with her because he is up at night, secretly watching porn in a different bedroom. And if he goes back to he marital bed, he won't get his addiction fed.


WOW, yet another speculation. I have a golden rule,. I never look at pron when she is home. Would hate to get caught. 

I am getting bombarded here, you guys are amazing..


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> Start going to bed in the same bed - reestablish the intimacy.
> 
> Meanwhile, work on dropping a bit of the weight to resolve the snoring. Maybe the two of you could work on that together?
> 
> I know I feel less connected with hubby if he's sleeping on the couch.


Thank you for a being a good user on this site and replying with actual advice instead of judgments like these others.


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## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

I am going to step away from this thread. I feel that everything I have explained has been truthful and I came on here looking for help. What I didn't expect was a bunch of aggressive women basically disputing every single thing I say.

I don't have to defend myself. I certainly don't have to stand here and be embarrassed by people making fun of me by posting "porn addiction" in all caps. 

Isn't a site like this made to start threads and ask for help? It is worse than high school. I am new, and not part of the "club" yet. I have yet to break into the "social circle" yet. I am not eligible for the "senior lawn" at the high school yet. 

These are very sensitive topics. The last thing you want to do is make fun of people.

I hope you guys continue to enjoy yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your snoring is probably sleep apnea. Get tested for it. Then you can sleep with your wife and not snore.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

darkrat said:


> I am going to step away from this thread. I feel that everything I have explained has been truthful and I came on here looking for help. What I didn't expect was a bunch of aggressive women basically disputing every single thing I say.
> 
> I don't have to defend myself. I certainly don't have to stand here and be embarrassed by people making fun of me by posting "porn addiction" in all caps.
> 
> ...


Ok, darkrat, I will apologize if my posts seemed overly aggressive to you. Look, what I am trying to point out to you is that you likely have sleep apnea. You know this. You have acknowledged that yourself. Sleep apnea isn't something to take lightly. Man, you STOP BREATHING at night. Right now, you are doing this in another room, where your wife is unlikely to nudge you awake, right?

You love your wife, right? You want to grow old with her? What happens if, one of these times, you stop breathing while you're sleeping...and never wake up? PLEASE, get checked. Like I said early on, you won't necessarily HAVE to keep using the machine later on. But right now? You have virtually no energy, are always tired, etc... getting the oxygen you need at night, you will have more energy... energy needed to be able to exercise during the day. It will HELP you in your weight loss, in addition to what you are doing.

Yes, there is always that chance that you may need it even after losing the weight. And I KNOW how hard it is to need a cpap machine and not want to have to use it. I felt the same way when I had to get mine...so did my husband...and my dad...and my mom. Even my sister has been balking at it. In her case, her insurance won't even cover the cost of the sleep study, so unless she can come up with $1800+, she can't do it.

You asked why Hope brought your porn addiction (your own admission, so it's addiction, not "addiction"). She did it because, at this point, they appear to be tied together. I get that you see them as separate issues. But from the outside, looking in, they appear connected. 

1. You are not in the same bed at night. Kicked out...chose to leave the bed... makes no difference at this point. You're not there.
2. You watch a lot of porn. A lot. By your own admission. When did the excessive porn viewing start? Was it before or after you started sleeping separately? Related to that, what is her thought about porn in general? Please know, I am NOT condemning you! You acknowledge you have a problem. You at least intimate that you want to stop. I applaud you for that! It takes courage to admit there is a problem, and to try to stop.
3. You work separate shifts. Your wife is up for quickies, at least, anytime. Unfortunately, you have excuses WHY you can't/won't do it. I gave you a suggestion for that... can't remember if it was this thread or your other one. But why not give that a shot at least once a week? 
4. You have been getting toys to spice things up. Now, your wife has told you that they actually turn her off. I hope you take that to heart. Maybe, just maybe, she will change her mind about the toys once you get back into the bed. Maybe not.

Darkrat, I do feel for you. I know what it's like to have sleep apnea. I know what it's like to snore... and gain a lot of weight. I know what it's like to sleep next to a man who snores... who has gained a lot of weight. I never considered separate beds, neither did he. Your wife wants you back in bed. Get back in there. Even if it means TEMPORARILY using a cpap machine. Isn't your health, your life, more important?


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## Boo (Feb 16, 2015)

I feel that sleeping apart causes less sex. This is my second marriage. My first, we shared a double bed for over 20 years. Had sex way more. Had a more intimate closer relationship, I feel due to the sleep situation. This one, Im lucky to wake with my partner. We sleep in separate beds. "I Feel" like roommates with a bonus..sometimes. Im lonely and feel "separated". It lowers my drive. The intimacy is missing. The pillow talk, the playfulness..all missing from this relationship. I love my partner but I am lonely and feel Im missing out on a good relationship.


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