# Husband upset over sex...Dont know what to do



## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

I fear this post maybe a long one, so I will say sorry in advance.

I suppose i should start by saying that my husband and I have been married for 2 years, but together for almost 9. We have 2 children, and even thoght it has been rough
sometimes i believe we still love each other very much. 

My reason for coming here today is this: we fight over sex...a lot. We have very different schedules. I work outside the home and he keeps the kids ( he is a disabled vet). He stays up very late, while i have to go to bed so I can work. His gets upset if we dont have sex daily, but refuses to come to bed when I do. He wants to me wake up at 4am when he comes to bed and have sex. Now honestly i dont mind this that much. The problem comes from me not always waking up. He says i will push him away or yell at him and I dont remember any of it. This used to happen often but has not in some time. I thiught this was behind me but i was wrong. 

Last night he said he same to bed at 6 and tried to wake me up and i snapped at him then we talked for 5 minutes. I remember waking up and him wrapping his arm around me, then i went back to sleep, nothing else. Talking fo him today he sounded very upset and said that he no longer believes that I dont remember and that i just dont want him. That is not the case! But nothing I say seems to change his mind. He is very self-consious on many levels worse recently dus to some other issues. I dont know how to make him see that i do love him, and love making love fo him. He seems fo doubt i care at all right now. 

My question is this; what can i do to make him see that i do love him and want him? I am seeing a dr for some medical issues and mentioned the sleep talking thing. But i think its just me being tired. I know from experience if i go home tonight and try to i initiate sex he is going to think i am only doing it because of this morning. If i dont, i think he will just get more upset living with the thought i dont desire him. 

Any ideas of what I can do to let him know I want him? And that I'm sorry for snapping? Something to help him see how i feel? I thought of sending him a txt and picture from work saying sorry and i love him but have never done anything like that before am unsure how he would react. 
Any help or advise or anything would be greatly appericiated. 

Thank you for your time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I don't think you should be the one apologizing, frankly.

If he wants sex, he should come to bed when you go to bed -- after the festivities, he can get back up and do whatever he does all night. But you are the one working, so your schedule should take precedence.

That's just me.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Pbeck,

If you still want sex with him frequently, you both need to compromise on your schedules.

He needs to come to bed a little earlier and if it's possible, could you stya up an hour longer (or a half hour) at night?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

lamaga said:


> I don't think you should be the one apologizing, frankly.
> 
> If he wants sex, he should come to bed when you go to bed -- after the festivities, he can get back up and do whatever he does all night. But you are the one working, so your schedule should take precedence.
> 
> That's just me.


lamaga,

Can't believe we disagree a little on this one too! What's happening?

Let's not forget that the parent that stays home raosing the kids IS working TOO!


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

I don't get it? Does he have to go to bed after you guys have sex? Why can't you guys have sex and then he can go back and do whatever it is he does?


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

Pbeck said:


> I fear this post maybe a long one, so I will say sorry in advance.
> 
> I suppose i should start by saying that my husband and I have been married for 2 years, but together for almost 9. We have 2 children, and even thoght it has been rough
> sometimes i believe we still love each other very much.
> ...


My husband and I had similar problems. Solution: we have sex after dinner most nights then we watch tv. Sometimes he comes up to bed with me. Other nights he stays up and watches tv or works from home. 

I also talk and have conversations in my sleep when I am woken up. I have since I was a little kid. my mom used to report me having full blown tantrums about brushing my teeth after falling asleep on the couch BUT I didn't remember any of it. I would get up off the couch, scream and yell then walk up to bed without remembering it. So I know it's possible. Hubby sometimes wakes me up and I'll do the same thing. I push him away or grunt at him. I wouldn't do it if I was fully awake.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I know, Toffer! Are we breaking up?!?

Seriously, if he has the energy to stay up till 4 am or 6 am, he has the energy to roger her and get back up. Doncha think?


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

lamaga, I suggested this and he flat refused. He said he did not want to do that. I'm not sure exactly *why* he wont but its not an option in his opinion. 

i don't care if he comes to bed with me or not....thats totally up to him. But he seems to not want to have sex then get up. I dont know why

Toffer - I would like to stay up longer, but honestly (with the exception of last night when I passes out at 9:30) most nights I am up until at least 12 or 1...and have to leave home for work by 6:45. I just am not sure I can get less than 5 hours a sleep a night and still function properly at my job.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is easy to fix. You just need to initiate once in a while. Sometimes when my wife is in bed and I'm up watching TV she'll text me (so the kids don't hear) "I need you in here". She often goes to bed around 9PM because she gets up early for work. My oldest doesn't go to bed until 10PM so coming out in a nighty might be a little awkward.

Make yourself a rule....every time you turn him down you have to initiate twice. When you get home from work is he sleeping? Wake his ass up!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

lamaga said:


> I know, Toffer! Are we breaking up?!?
> 
> Seriously, if he has the energy to stay up till 4 am or 6 am, he has the energy to roger her and get back up. Doncha think?


Don't disagree but my wife and I have a similar disconnect

i have to be out the door at 6 AM and she doesn't have to be out until 9:15 so I'm usually in bed before her.

However, if I wake up in the middle of the night and have the urge, she is a bear to wake up (always has been)


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, now, I'm not going to say a word against middle of the night sex...it's fun!


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

Pbeck said:


> lamaga, I suggested this and he flat refused. He said he did not want to do that. I'm not sure exactly *why* he wont but its not an option in his opinion.
> 
> i don't care if he comes to bed with me or not....thats totally up to him. But he seems to not want to have sex then get up. I dont know why
> 
> Toffer - I would like to stay up longer, but honestly (with the exception of last night when I passes out at 9:30) most nights I am up until at least 12 or 1...and have to leave home for work by 6:45. I just am not sure I can get less than 5 hours a sleep a night and still function properly at my job.


I'm sorry. He's being selfish. There is no reason you can't initiate earlier in the evening and he gets back up. The only thing I can think of is that some men use it as a sleeping pill. Maybe it puts him to sleep. Either way, you're working. You need to be able to function. When I am woken up in the middle of the night (by kids mostly), it takes me an hour or two to fall back to sleep. It's seriously disruptive.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

My husband would do this to me in his sleep just like your husband is claiming you did...And it hurt my feelings because this was during our bad time and he pretty much told me I wasn't allowed to wake him up for sex in the middle of the night (mind you this is usually the only time i am in the mood...always been that way) well it took us talking about it and coming to an understanding about it. You need to reassure him and come to a comprimise..maybe when you go up towards the bedroom you can lead him by the hand


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

If he's staying up until 4-6am every night, how the heck is he taking care of the kids during the day? Does he just not sleep? Do your kids sleep till noon or something? (If so, lucky you....mine have never slept a minute past 7:00am) 

I talk in my sleep too. My H knows not to try to have a convo with me when I am asleep. I have cussed him out (apparently) without remembering.

This is crazy. If he isn't willing to have sex earlier, then tough S for him.

What is he doing all night...is he up looking at porn or something and then comes to wake you up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Toffer said:


> lamaga,
> 
> Can't believe we disagree a little on this one too! What's happening?
> 
> Let's not forget that the parent that stays home raosing the kids IS working TOO!


I can see both sides but lets also realize that the parent at home watching the kids is the one staying up until 4a.m....so to me his sleep schedule isn't being messed up at all.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

kag123 said:


> If he's staying up until 4-6am every night, how the heck is he taking care of the kids during the day? Does he just not sleep? Do your kids sleep till noon or something? (If so, lucky you....mine have never slept a minute past 7:00am)
> 
> I talk in my sleep too. My H knows not to try to have a convo with me when I am asleep. I have cussed him out (apparently) without remembering.
> 
> ...


YOu brought up a good point. You shouldn't be apologizing..He could come up and have sex with you but by him staying down stairs and doing whatever he is choosing that over sex.....He needs to realize that it doesn't just lie with you and that he shouldn't get butt hurt when he only seems to do it on his terms when he is done with whatever else he is doing. :scratchhead:


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Well, now, I'm not going to say a word against middle of the night sex...it's fun!


I KNOW! it adds a little spice especially if its the wake u up to it kind


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

I really just don't think he sleeps very much. He is always up by 9:30. As for the kids, our son is always up by 7:30or so. My daughter (from my first marriage) is also an early riser, but she is older and usually makes sure things are taken care of until he gets up. Our middle girl would like 20 hours a day if you let her I think. LOL

As for what he does all night...he games...be it computer, x-box...or something. right now its a new computer game. Ever since he was discharged from the USMC (broke is neck in 2 places and was medically discharged) he spends a good portion of his time gaming.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband is being an ass. It's unreasonable to wake you up at 4 am for sex on a regular basis. If it was an infrequent basis (like once or twice a month), that's one thing. But considering you have to be up at "normal" hours, doing this on a regular basis is just cruel.

I would sit down and get the real reason why he wants to do this from him, and why he can't join you for a romp and then go do whatever he likes. Don't let him off the hook until you get that answer. And then go from there.

You could also tell him that you'll be having an orgasm as 11 at night... He's welcome to join you if he likes, but you'll be having one regardless of his attendance. 

C


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

PBear said:


> You could also tell him that you'll be having an orgasm as 11 at night... He's welcome to join you if he likes, but you'll be having one regardless of his attendance.
> 
> C


LOL :rofl:I can only imagine how that would turn out....


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Pbeck said:


> I really just don't think he sleeps very much. He is always up by 9:30. As for the kids, our son is always up by 7:30or so. My daughter (from my first marriage) is also an early riser, but she is older and usually makes sure things are taken care of until he gets up. Our middle girl would like 20 hours a day if you let her I think. LOL
> 
> As for what he does all night...he games...be it computer, x-box...or something. right now its a new computer game. Ever since he was discharged from the USMC (broke is neck in 2 places and was medically discharged) he spends a good portion of his time gaming.


Me personally that is a red flag...when games are more important than intimate time with you...but when he is done with his games he comes up and expects that....Uh that wouldn't be ok with me. The games were just the beginning of my husband being selfish and it escalated to other "outlets" not saying that is what is happening with him but it was horrible for me..... I am glad that part of marriage is long over with....and i hope what happened to me wont happen to you. I guess I can appreciate he waits until night to do that but why cant he spend some time with you before you go to bed then play his games...they can wait.


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

Pbeck said:


> I really just don't think he sleeps very much. He is always up by 9:30. As for the kids, our son is always up by 7:30or so. My daughter (from my first marriage) is also an early riser, but she is older and usually makes sure things are taken care of until he gets up. Our middle girl would like 20 hours a day if you let her I think. LOL
> 
> As for what he does all night...he games...be it computer, x-box...or something. right now its a new computer game. Ever since he was discharged from the USMC (broke is neck in 2 places and was medically discharged) he spends a good portion of his time gaming.


Sorry. I'm a stay at home parent and this is all so selfish. I get up when the kids get up. My husband has the whole morning to himself to get ready for work. He takes a super long shower and listens to the radio. Then he lazes around getting ready. He's not a morning person and I know that. Therefore, I don't ask him to help me with the kids in the morning. I just get up and start my day running. In return, I use the babies nap time/4 year old tv time to have some time to myself. I don't do chores during this time because it's the only part of the day the 4 year old isn't talking my ear off and the baby hanging on my leg. Then we enjoy couple time later in the evening. We each get our down time during the day and then later we connect together. 

I would start asking your husband to get up with the kids. Stop doing everything yourself. You're not superwoman. If he has to get up at 7 with the kids then he's not going to be staying up to all hours of the evening.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Pbeck said:


> lamaga, I suggested this and he flat refused. He said he did not want to do that. I'm not sure exactly *why* he wont but its not an option in his opinion.
> 
> i don't care if he comes to bed with me or not....thats totally up to him. But he seems to not want to have sex then get up. I dont know why
> 
> Toffer - I would like to stay up longer, but honestly (with the exception of last night when I passes out at 9:30) most nights I am up until at least 12 or 1...and have to leave home for work by 6:45. I just am not sure I can get less than 5 hours a sleep a night and still function properly at my job.


So if you are out the door at 6:45, you get up around 5-5:30, right? Go to bed a bit earlier, and tell him that your are happy to get together with him at 4:30 am.

Okay, in all seriousness, his schedule is nuts. He isn't taking care of the kids, your kids are doing it. If he is a SAHD, then that is his job, not gaming. He needs to be the one to get the kids out the door. He also needs to find something that he can be productive about - it should be the home and the kids, but if that isn't his thing, he should find a job, even if part time.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

If he is gaming and his friends do not sign off until 4 am, he is putting his gaming and online friends ahead of your needs. This is absolutely unacceptable. As a gamer, I understand that some games you can't just get up and leave, so set a time. I do not care if its before midnight, set a time. If he cannot find a way to squeak away from his computer or xbox to spend time with you, let him know whether he gets upset or hurt, the jina shop shuts down. Let him know there are no exceptions. If he wants to be "upset" or hurt the next day because he feels you do not want him anymore, then let him know you 100% do want him, but you want him before midnight on worknights, and if he can't deal with that, tough sh**.

If you do not care about him cudding or holding you once it's over, let him know he can go back to his games, but for no reason is he to wake you up at 4am on a damn work night. 

He will fix his schedule. I have gamed. I have also been stubborn. I would say something to my wife hoping it would fly, but if she puts her foot down and my sex is on the line? I'm signing off the game each night at 11:15, having sex, then signing back on at 12:00. Or he can play through the night and just not get sex.

BTW, keep sleep talking, thats called being NORMAL. If you wake me up at 4am on a worknight, I will sleep talk to and also possibly sleep punch you in the face.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Men that get sex on demand have no right to complain about anything...ever. Waking you up at 4 am to have sex on demand is insulting and selfish.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Um... so he only wants to have sex after he has played on the computer for hours?

That's cuz he horny... from playing "games". Any other time... he's not interested. He's gotten into a habit of getting himself worked up doing "somethiing" on the computer and then waking you up to relief himself??


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

deejov said:


> Um... so he only wants to have sex after he has played on the computer for hours?
> 
> That's cuz he horny... from playing "games". Any other time... he's not interested. He's gotten into a habit of getting himself worked up doing "somethiing" on the computer and then waking you up to relief himself??


His computer is in a small "office" just off our bed room. I know he is gaming because if i wake up I can hear and see him playing. Not that thats any better i guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

deejov said:


> Um... so he only wants to have sex after he has played on the computer for hours?
> 
> That's cuz he horny... from playing "games". Any other time... he's not interested. He's gotten into a habit of getting himself worked up doing "somethiing" on the computer and then waking you up to relief himself??


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hes crazy....

he should come to bed with you if he want a peice of a$$.

is he watching porn at night then comming to be with you?


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## Pbeck (Jun 8, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> hes crazy....
> 
> he should come to bed with you if he want a peice of a$$.
> 
> is he watching porn at night then comming to be with you?


No i dont believe he is watching porn. If i wake up i can see and hear what hes doing from my bed and i have never seen porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

He is being very inconsiderate of you. Sometimes I wake up at 4 and want some, but other times its dawn of the dead. If my husband didn't come to bed and sleep with me, I would be very upset. Your H basically doesn't sleep with you. He comes to bed about when you get up or right before. I would be so resentful of being second to the computer games I could spit. Guess I'm glad we are old enough to be beyond the game generation!

He needs to learn compromise, not my way or the highway. 

I'm asleep by 10 and up at 5:30-6:00. I require a lot of sleep and if I don't get enough I'm a beach. If my H was demanding at 4 am everyday, he'd be SOL.


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