# Men... please explain?



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Now I can come up with about a hundred different reasons for this but I figure it would be best to get a males POV. My SO seems to be really competative for some reason. If I'm working out, he seems to think he has to do it twice as hard as me. When I was considering getting a job as an RN he got all bent out of shape because I would be making more... so I tossed that idea aside and looked at different jobs. Can any of you offer an explanation as to why he feels he has to compete with me? The last thing I want is for him to see me as some kind of threat to his manhood which it kind of feels like he might....
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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You gave up the prospect of a great paying job with awesome benefits because your SO wasn't keen on you making more than him? In this economy???

I'd say it goes a little bit beyond competitive nature at that point.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well yes it would be a great paying job but I figure walmart has decent pay and benefits as well. And yes it was strictly my choice to pass that up. Besides I figure I can take a job as an rn at a later time.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I just want to know if he might see me as a threat? If so... is there anything I can do to show him I'm not?
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Some personalities are driven to be 'perfect' (men and women) then it becomes less about competition and more about their own internal struggles. They see someone doing better than them and to them it means they are flawed. For someone else to win means they lose. Crazy thinking yes but it does happen.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Could there be another reason why he wasn't crazy about you taking the RN job? 

I don't know about him feeling threatened masculinity wise. Unless he's shown that in other aspects of your relationship. Like does he get angry if you mow the lawn or try to fix something without consulting or asking him to do it first?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well when we were at his grandmothers he did get irked about me mowing the lawn there. Just yesterday he got upset about me taking items out of the cart... he said it was "his job". I had talked to him about getting a project car later on... at the time he said he was fine with me doing it... but now I'm not so sure.
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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Now I can come up with about a hundred different reasons for this but I figure it would be best to get a males POV. My SO seems to be really competative for some reason. If I'm working out, he seems to think he has to do it twice as hard as me. When I was considering getting a job as an RN he got all bent out of shape because I would be making more... so I tossed that idea aside and looked at different jobs. Can any of you offer an explanation as to why he feels he has to compete with me? The last thing I want is for him to see me as some kind of threat to his manhood which it kind of feels like he might....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes its a threat to his manhood.

You would make more $$ than him.

depending where you worked, your boss (Doctor) might hold more 'rank' than him. Never a good idea for a wife to be in daily contact with a man that has more rank than him because you would wind up being attracted to this man. I've read it happens a lot with nurses/doctors.

Thing is he has to increase his 'manliness' through his own work, not by diminishing you.

Have him (and not you) read _this _ http://marriedmansexlife.com/


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I wouldn't wind up being more attracted to some other guy just because he might make more. I thought I proved this by sticking by his side when he didn't have a job and I did. Is there a reason why we can't perhaps read that book together?
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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Gaia said:


> Well when we were at his grandmothers he did get irked about me mowing the lawn there. Just yesterday he got upset about me taking items out of the cart... he said it was "his job". I had talked to him about getting a project car later on... at the time he said he was fine with me doing it... but now I'm not so sure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Aha! Maybe you're right then. Some tasks he see's as his to perform. I feel very much the same way in this regard. Not chivalry but not chauvanism. Somewhere in between.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Now I can come up with about a hundred different reasons for this but I figure it would be best to get a males POV. My SO seems to be really competative for some reason. If I'm working out, he seems to think he has to do it twice as hard as me. When I was considering getting a job as an RN he got all bent out of shape because I would be making more... so I tossed that idea aside and looked at different jobs. Can any of you offer an explanation as to why he feels he has to compete with me? The last thing I want is for him to see me as some kind of threat to his manhood which it kind of feels like he might....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe control ?? Hell if my wife could or would make more than me I am all over it i say go for it and support her 100%


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I wouldn't wind up being more attracted to some other guy just because he might make more. I thought I proved this by sticking by his side when he didn't have a job and I did. Is there a reason why we can't perhaps read that book together?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Explain to him that yall are on the same team and its not about who does this or that its about teamwork


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> Explain to him that yall are on the same team and its not about who does this or that its about teamwork


I have been doing this for years but he seems to still be competative.
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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I have been doing this for years but he seems to still be competative.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell him he should be competative at work and not at home


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Aha! Maybe you're right then. Some tasks he see's as his to perform. I feel very much the same way in this regard. Not chivalry but not chauvanism. Somewhere in between.


He seems to be picking up more things and claiming them as "his job" though. Like moving tvs, beds, ect while cleaning... he no longer seems to want me to do this even though I did it in the past. The thread I made when I was preggy... about him refusing to let me go in the store for a hair tie... that's another example. It seems as if he is suddenly bothered by some of the things I do now.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Oh he's competative there as well. He takes pride in being able to do the job the best.
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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I dated a guy like this a few yrs ago. It was ridiculous, and I ended things with him. I was about love, respect, understanding etc, not about competition. I am responsible for myself not for him or how he felt about his manhood being threatened. That is his problem.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> I dated a guy like this a few yrs ago. It was ridiculous, and I ended things with him. I was about love, respect, understanding etc, not about competition. I am responsible for myself not for him or how he felt about his manhood being threatened. That is his problem.


That's understandable but I would like to work through this with my SO. We have been through so much together already.
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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

He sounds very young? He’ll be driven by what he sees as manly things, it’s part of a young male ego’s consciousness. He’s being machismo: _male behaviour which is strong and forceful and in which someone has very traditional ideas about how men and women should behave._

It’s big in the country I live. One woman friend got a new job nearby where her boyfriend lived and was all set to move in. It paid more than he got so he actually ended the relationship!


What do you do about it? My advice is never ever hold your own development back for the sake of someone else, most especially due to their machismo sensitivity. It is something you will regret when you look back in a few decades time.



Buy a copy of Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books, it “may” help him see different perspectives, it will depend how locked into his ego he is. It’s deep stuff and he may have to be knocked a few times before he grows.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Gaia said:


> That's understandable but I would like to work through this with my SO. We have been through so much together already.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand. However, if this is an ingrained behavior from him, he will need some therapy to undo this way of thinking. Its likely deep rooted and has to do with self esteem or lack there of.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

My H has admitted that he feels the need to be the breadwinner. And I have no problem with that


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

AFEH he is 29 so I guess so? So awarness and married mans sex life is what he should read? Callalily we do plan on going to therapy... we just haven't had the time to do so yet. I do know that his family is very traditional.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Candie... I have no problem with him being the breadwinner either which is why I decided to go for a different job.
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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Gaia said:


> AFEH he is 29 so I guess so? So awarness and married mans sex life is what he should read? Callalily we do plan on going to therapy... we just haven't had the time to do so yet. I do know that his family is very traditional.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At twenty-nine he’s still a lot of growing to do. A man at his age will sometimes hold onto his ego in very strong ways and it really is necessary at his time of life. It’s called “focus” and he is very much identifying himself as a male. Which is obviously all good.

The are different phases (or seasons) a man goes through in his life. Your H is still “building” making things happen, getting things done (hopefully). Later (again hopefully) he’ll go through a spiritual growth phase.

You should have maybe taken that better paying job, instead you settled! If you’d have taken the job it may well have spurned him onto better things. Instead you’ve taken the path of the lowest common dominator and I think in that way done both of you a disservice.


Awareness will give him a new consciousness, almost like a spirituality. It’s the “thing” those broad minded males have, I’m sure you’ve recognised it in some men. They’re not phased by much that goes on around them, always seem to be able to see things from different angles and are generally relaxed and calm.

But because he’s ego centric and not in “trouble mode” he may well reject the book. So read it for yourself and hope he picks it up and reads it as well.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

well he did recently start reading the five languages of love after I mentioned reading it so he may very well read this book if I mention reading it as well.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

stritle said:


> lots of guys are raised to be the providers; if you can do better than he may not view himself that way.
> 
> if my wife earned more than i do, all the power to her. i'd ride that wagon as long as i could lol.


Lol I thought he would have that attitude as well! Apparently not...
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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

I'd like to earn more than my wife, I won't lie and I'm glad I do, it does make me feel better about myself. But I'd be delighted if she managed to get a job that paid better than mine and if she decided to turn it down I would think she's crazy.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

my hubs has this problem as well... there was a time when we first got married where i made more than my hubs. i was admittedly meaner to him because i was expected to make more money and do all the house crap, and it was just too much for me. 

since then i have only worked part time so that i can still make SOME money to contribute, but it leaves my husband as the "hunter". my hubs often mentions that he wants me to leave my job entirely and be a housewife... but i think i'd go insane without a job. 

your hubs seems like he has more of a traditional view of marriage where the husband takes care of the wife financially and the wife takes care of everything else. i've learned to be content with this dynamic that we have, and when i think about it.. there's no way i could work full time and still be married to my hubs. 

are you working at all now? would you want to work part time?


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

Gaia said:


> When I was considering getting a job as an RN he got all bent out of shape because I would be making more... so I tossed that idea aside and looked at different jobs.


Not sure what's worse, him being so bent out of shape at the thought of you making more money than him or the fact that you (seriously?) didn't pursue the better higher paying job as an RN so you took a menial job at Walmart, because you didn't want to upset him.

That's really messed up.

On both counts.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Your husband is acting like an idiot. Crab Barrel Thinking.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

No I'm not currently working and I would love to work full time but with my SO's crazy hours... we figure part time will be best for now. He did apply for a different job as a patrol officer so hopefully I can work full time when he gets that.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Thanks for your input donders and alphahalf. We all make poor/idiotic choices at times and yes clearly I made one but for the time being, it doesn't seem a poor decision to me.
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## donders (May 9, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Thanks for your input donders and alphahalf. We all make poor/idiotic choices at times and yes clearly I made one but for the time being, it doesn't seem a poor decision to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


RN vs Walmark clerk?

It's a nobrainer. 

Especially if you've already paid for and spent the time going to nursing school.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Yes I know its a no brainer but so is this fact. I can always apply as an rn at another point in time since there is no shortage of those jobs right? Besides I didn't think it would be best since we do plan on moving to another state within a year so I figured that could wait until then. I get what your saying and I know it seems like a stupid move from your pov but I honestly don't think it is and I didn't turn down an rn job... I just decided to wait to apply at a later time.
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## MrsHB (Jun 29, 2012)

Gaia, I understand what you are saying. HB sometimes struggles with me working outside the home. He feels like he should be the "bread winner". If you are looking at moving soon, I would try to get on.someplace part time. Then when you move go for the RN position.  You're SO may just need sometime to think things through.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

In my area RN's make upwards of $60,000 per year.

Walmart clerks earn maybe half that.

Regardless of where you work you're probably talking about $25,000 per year difference. Plus you're gaining work experience which may result in higher pay down the line. Plus you need to keep your skills up to date. If none of that is important to you then I guess there's no harm in waiting.


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## MrsHB (Jun 29, 2012)

I think Gaia is very capable of keeping her silks up so she can get an RN job whenever.... There is nothing wrong with her being a mom or working part time someplace else.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok he comes from a traditional family and I come from a family where I grew up learning to do a lot of things for myself. I was taught not to depend on anyone but myself... however I am willing to compromise for my SO and I have. My issue is... I want to be able to do things without seeming to step on his toes. I don't want to just outright do something without considering his feelings as well. And no I don't mind waiting donders. 
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Thanks mrshb. 
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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Good Luck with your decision, but remember don't take getting a good job for granted. Your husband can get hurt or laid off in the future. Then what??? Your low paying job to suit his ego will no longer make due. Take care.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

This is a touchy subject for both males and females.

Females sometimes think differently to males and vice versa.
What your husband may be doing is looking forward and trying to forecast the future. He may be seeing this as a threat in the future because it opens up the way for a " power differential " in the relationship.
In other words , because you earn more money, he most likely will loose his real power over the running of he home. What he says no longer goes. Whenever a disagreement arises , he will have to concede. 

I have seen it many times in marriages.

My good friend worked as a technician at a company. A good paying job. His wife was secretary for another organization, didn't make much. She went back to school got a certificate , got a better paying job and earned more money than him.

Believe it or not,
He went back to school part time for three years , got his degree,got a higher paying job.
He is now pursuing his masters degree.

So even though it is never intentional , women whose earnings outstrip their husband's by far , often wield more power in the relationship.

But my advice is to take the higher paying job!
It may serve as a catalyst for him to reach higher.

Remember,
Money = Power.
Its up to you what you do with that power!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

He has been laid off before and we have managed. Thanks for your concern though. 
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Thanks caribbean but I wish he didn't see it that way as I sure don't.
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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Now I can come up with about a hundred different reasons for this but I figure it would be best to get a males POV. My SO seems to be really competative for some reason. If I'm working out, he seems to think he has to do it twice as hard as me. When I was considering getting a job as an RN he got all bent out of shape because I would be making more... so I tossed that idea aside and looked at different jobs. Can any of you offer an explanation as to why he feels he has to compete with me? The last thing I want is for him to see me as some kind of threat to his manhood which it kind of feels like he might....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You may be viewing insecurity as competitiveness. Being afraid you'll get in shape and leave or make more money and leave sound more likely than just being competitive.

And I have no idea why some of us are competitive but I think I am because I have a twin. I would never do either of the things you just mentioned and I am competitive by nature.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Huh.... never looked at it that way... thanks for that POV thundarr.
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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Why not take the RN job and if he's so competitive he can then upgrade his skills to get an even better paying job?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Gaia, what kind of "man" wouldn't want his woman to succeed in anything she attempted? It's sad that he would prevent you from doing that which you wished as a chosen field.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

MrsHB and I have been back and forth on this many times... When we were dating, and engaged, I held a management position for corporate entity, and made significantly more than her. We both quit there at the same time, but I had a harder time finding equivalent work, so for a couple of years she made more than me. I then began managing the business I was working for, and once again made more. Once we had our first kid, due to work circumstances, I stayed home, working from home at a business I started, but she made more. Our business finally took me working full time , but allowed her to come home, and she was home for several years, as we had our other children. We sold that business, she went back to work full time, and I became the stay at home once again, working at a business I started... Currently, we make around the same amount, but I can do mine from home and take care of the kids too. As the kids start school, I will finally have more free time, and can increase my income because of the lessened responsibilities at home. 

I wrote that long, boring wall of text to show that really, a marriage is a partnership. It's not about who does what, but about what you two decide is best for your family.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lol human and once more... since there seems to be a misunderstanding... this is not about the rn job. I chose to set that aside for later because I noticed an issue in my relationship that may bring about resentment so I want to address this issue and fix it so its not a problem anymore. Thanks human for your post as well.
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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

GIA, you said you stuck by him when he was out of work. You also mentioned he has been out of work before and you managed. I'm not sure if that means he's been out of work on several occasions? If it has been several times, maybe he is just overcompensating as a result.

It sounds like more of an insecurity than competitiveness - several instances of you doing "his job" (e.g. grocery store, mowing lawn). But you started with the working out/exercise example, which seems more competitive than insecure.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

It did seem competitive at first... of course I never thought he might be insecure since he always seems so cool and confident. It is something for me to think about now...
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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Lol human and once more... since there seems to be a misunderstanding... this is not about the rn job. I chose to set that aside for later because I noticed an issue in my relationship that may bring about resentment so I want to address this issue and fix it so its not a problem anymore. Thanks human for your post as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But you didn't address it and fix it. You acquiesced and decided on the lower paying job. You showed him it was okay to let his unreasonable insecurities dictate your behaviour. 

He should be worrying that his insecurities will be causing you to resent him, not that you using skills you have worked hard to gain to benefit your family will be causing him to resent you.

He needs to step up and own those unreasonable feelings. Even if he does feel that he should be the breadwinner, he shouldn't achieve that by keeping you down. 

I love how often I see spouted on this board that "men are so logical and women are always making decisions with their stupid fluffy emotions". Where's the logic here? This man certainly isn't making a reasoned, logical response to the possibility of his wife making more money than he does. Nope, reacting straight from that reptile brain. 

Don't let him get away with not examining the real reasons he feels this way. And certainly don't let his feelings make your decisions.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Gaia said:


> It did seem competitive at first... of course I never thought he might be insecure since he always seems so cool and confident. It is something for me to think about now...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Gaia,
Its just one of those idiosyncrasies of men.

Men are peculiar in some instances. I don't think that type of behaviour is singular to your husband. There's a little bit of it in all of us.
The problem arises when we let it take control and we become jealous and irrational.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Feelingdown said:


> I'd like to earn more than my wife, I won't lie and I'm glad I do, it does make me feel better about myself. But I'd be delighted if she managed to get a job that paid better than mine and if she decided to turn it down I would think she's crazy.


Ok we talked a bit about it last night and he said he felt like the above quote. So its not him in this area its me obviously and yes I know... counseling and such. Something we are planning on doing when we can free up some time to do it. (Especially for myself since I seem to be misreading him a lot)
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## chasing_rainbows (Apr 3, 2012)

my experience is that it's unnerving for some men when a woman demonstrates that she doesn't have to rely on him

some also see a wife starting to see things that lift her up (going back to school, spending time with good friends or getting healthy) as her process of wanting to leave him


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Lets do a bit of reality check here. Look around at the people around you. Do you see a lot of women with men that they out-earn by much? You probably don't. Why do you think that is? 

Is it all about "male insecurity"? It can be... But a much more interesting question is... Does the feeling that a woman out-earning her man will make her lose interest in him have a real basis?

Do the following experience:

STEP 1
Get pictures of two average looking guys.
Show the pictures to a group of 20 women and have them rate the guy's attraction power in a scale from 1 to 10.

STEP 2 
Using the same two pictures add in one of them that the guy is an engineer that makes 230k a year. In the other one add that this other dude is a shop clerk that makes 25k a year.
Have another group of 20 women classify the guys from 1 to 10 again.

What will the results show? The guy who was labeled the engineer will have his attractiveness rise by some 2-3 points in 10 (that's huge) and the other guy will probably have his rating drop somewhat. 

Feel free to try. Its a riot.

Men feel threatened about this, "insecure" (women's favorite word apparently) if you will, because they have reasons to be. 

The pay difference can make a difference in sex rank that wasn't there at the beginning. Trying to translate the situation imagine you're a fat chick. You marry a fat guy. 

Now after a while fat hubby decides to work on his appearance and ceases being fat and now looks as some sort of olympic swimmer. Now, wouldn't that make you feel "insecure"? 

Beauty is the woman's currency. If they have enough to keep up they feel good. If the guy has much more of it they feel bad.

I hope i've managed to help somewhat. It's not that i think that a woman will instantly drop a guy that makes less money or something, but it is a factor that men everywhere must take in mind when relating to their women.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Thank you costa and yes I'm taking your post into consideration as well.
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