# Wife lost sex drive



## aussieh (Mar 17, 2016)

Hello all. I need some help and to finally get this out of my head. Been married for 5 years with 2 beautiful kids who are 4 and 2, have been with my wife for 14 years. We are 33 and 32. Ever since our second child our sex life has dwindled and is becoming a real problem for me. I am as sexually driven as ever, my wife has seemed to have lost interest down to once a fortnight if lucky, even then on occasions it has been horrible as i can tell when she is just doing it for the sake of it which has led to a few arguments when ive stopped. She went on the bar contraception for a while which messed her up hormonally and switched back to the pill. But still she has not recovered her desire. I dont know if it is still the effects of contraception but she has also become body conscious around me when it comes to being intimate. She hasnt put on much weight since we started together, at least I dont think so and I'm still as attracted to her as ever. I support her when she wants to diet, compliment her all the time, tell her I love her every day. We both have stressful jobs, i do work a bit more but do everything i can to help her with kids and housework each night. But i feel stuck and all alone without any intimacy, i don't want to feel like that anymore as i need it to feel loved. Ive told her how i feel but i just don't know what to do as I feel that it is going to lead to a loss of attraction at some point. Any suggestions would be great.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Been in a similar situation, had a talk with my W not too long ago and aired everything out. Since things have significantly turned around.

When you talked to your wife, what was her response? Is she able to explain why things are different now?


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## aussieh (Mar 17, 2016)

When we talked it was those reasons above. Insecurity and she said she just has no drive. Stress at work is also a problem, she can't switch off when there's performance issues at work. I've tried to help her get into a hobby to get her mind off of work, looked at fitness centres for yoga or Pilates. Even talked about going to the Drs to see if there is a hormonal imbalance. But she seems stuck in her routine


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

At some point you may have to make her uncomfortable in the current arrangement. This is otherwise known as destabilizing. Are you willing to do that when the time comes?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

This is a common problem with many possible causes, and few - if any - easy solutions. The first thing to do is check that her sex drive hasn't just been redirected towards someone else. Once that's (hopefully!) ruled out, look at stress and fatigue next, and see what can be done to reduce those. She may have to change jobs, for example, if that's a possibility. At some point though, you may need to destabilize as farsidejunky suggests, in order to get changes to occur.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Welcome to TAM and join the club of undersexed spouses. Your best solution is divorce and find a high desire spouse. Not kidding. Your wife is unlikely to change and your sex life is unlikely to improve. You cannot change her but you can only change yourself and your situation. You now have to decide if the better and more frequent sex you will get is worth being divorced, child support payments, seeing your kids 50% of the time, etc. 

Not the solution you wanted. You may find that the grass is not always greener elsewhere. 

In your situation is intimacy lacking or just sex? Are you equating sex to be intimacy? Is kissing, cuddling and hugging your wife sufficient intimacy or do you want the sex? 

Read Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. A great book and well worth your time and few AU dollars.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

aussieh said:


> When we talked it was those reasons above. Insecurity and she said she just has no drive. Stress at work is also a problem, she can't switch off when there's performance issues at work. I've tried to help her get into a hobby to get her mind off of work, looked at fitness centres for yoga or Pilates. Even talked about going to the Drs to see if there is a hormonal imbalance. But she seems stuck in her routine


When you have sex (I am assuming you have to initiate) does she seem to get into it (i.e. possibly responsive desire) or does she still seem meh about things? 

Did you explain to her that sex for you is about building that emotional connection, it is more then just being a hornball (that seems to be the perception unfortunately)? 

The concern I would have, is you talked about her and it seems like she is complacent to just accept things as is, so it is very hard to fix things from there.

I honestly really hate the idea of destabilizing things unless absolutely necessary.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

aussieh said:


> Hello all. I need some help...


A lot of times women loose their desire for the exact same reason they misplace their car keys. They just do not put any attention to it and toss them down somewhere and go about their day.

Often when my wife looses her car keys, she gets upset! Demands that I give her my set of keys, so that she does not even have to bother to "try" and find hers. Then I put my foot down and insist she has to find her keys or she is NOT going anywhere. We get into a fight and I angrily storm through the house and tear up the couch, look under the bed next to the nightstand, and start digging through her pockets. Then I get her naked and do a strip search which does not appear to reveal anything at first, but than as I do a very thorough cavity search I find out that she never lost anything after all, it was right there all along. She just wanted me to help her find it!

Good luck helping your wife!,
Badsanta


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Welcome to TAM and join the club of undersexed spouses. Your best solution is divorce and find a high desire spouse. Not kidding. Your wife is unlikely to change and your sex life is unlikely to improve. You cannot change her but you can only change yourself and your situation. You now have to decide if the better and more frequent sex you will get is worth being divorced, child support payments, seeing your kids 50% of the time, etc.
> .


Maybe I am not the norm, but the issues my W and I were having in terms of sex/desire have been addressed (as of now, of course check in with me in 6 months). I don't believe divorce is the best solution until you have exhausted all other avenues. Like I said though, maybe I am not the norm?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

aussieh said:


> Hello all. I need some help and to finally get this out of my head. Been married for 5 years with 2 beautiful kids who are 4 and 2, have been with my wife for 14 years. We are 33 and 32. Ever since our second child our sex life has dwindled and is becoming a real problem for me. I am as sexually driven as ever, my wife has seemed to have lost interest down to once a fortnight if lucky, even then on occasions it has been horrible as i can tell when she is just doing it for the sake of it which has led to a few arguments when ive stopped. She went on the bar contraception for a while which messed her up hormonally and switched back to the pill. But still she has not recovered her desire. I dont know if it is still the effects of contraception but she has also become body conscious around me when it comes to being intimate. She hasnt put on much weight since we started together, at least I dont think so and I'm still as attracted to her as ever. I support her when she wants to diet, compliment her all the time, tell her I love her every day. We both have stressful jobs, i do work a bit more but do everything i can to help her with kids and housework each night. But i feel stuck and all alone without any intimacy, i don't want to feel like that anymore as i need it to feel loved. Ive told her how i feel but i just don't know what to do as I feel that it is going to lead to a loss of attraction at some point. Any suggestions would be great.


Generalizing:

Men treat sex as a great stress reliever. No matter what is going on in their lives, challenging job, parenting responsibilities, messy house, lack of sleep, they can put it aside for a little bit and get busy. The desire is always present. Then afterwards, they are relaxed and feel better about tackling everything else in their lives.

Women are the opposite. For women, they need to be relaxed and stress-free before the desire for sex will be there. Add in a challenging job, parenting responsibilities, lack of sleep and a messy house, and there's pretty much zero chance they'll be relaxed enough to want sex. If they do it anyway, because the husband is pestering them, or they remember sex being fun and want to want it again, it just adds to their stress level.

So a couple of suggestions:

First, your attitude is probably encouraging the idea in her that sex is another item on her list of chores. Do you promote the idea that sex is about both of you, or do you give the impression that your release is the only important end goal? Are you ever willing to just give her oral and then end the sexual activity and move along onto something else? Is she concluding that your compliments are just a manipulation to get her into bed for your pleasure, instead of believing them to be true? Do you ever give her the impression (however mistaken) that you'd help out more if you were more relaxed, ie had more sex?

Second, you both have stressful jobs but you "help her" with kids and housework every night? So really, the kids and housework are two MORE stressful jobs she has, and you are just a helper? How about you make the kids and housework YOUR second and third jobs, and let her just be the helper? A couple of months of this and she might be more relaxed. This is why people get into the mindset of sex being equivalent to chores, by the way. You feel like your "help" with the kids and house should make her want to have sex with you, and she feels that you are not pulling your weight around the house, and only pitch in now and then when you want sexual payback. If there really just isn't time in the day for you to do your 50% or more, then why expect her to have to pick up your slack? Hire a housekeeper, hire an occasional nanny. You may think it's too expensive, but it's far far cheaper than the other options, like divorce or being miserable in an undersexed marriage. Drop one of your hobbies to save the money if you have to. Which is more important to you, golfing every weekend, or having a fulfilling sex life? Show her that intimacy is important to you by making the necessary sacrifices.

Third, you telling her that you need sex to feel loved just puts more pressure on her, and encourages her to feel that you only want her for sex, that you don't love her for who she is. Right now, she probably thinks that if she was paralyzed in an accident and couldn't have sex with you anymore, you'd just dump her. Think of ways to phrase it differently so she can gradually come around to a new way of thinking about it. You've accidentally created a monster here and it will take time to shrink it. Make sure you convey your love for her in ways that have zero to do with sex.

Fourth, look up responsive desire. You are thinking there is something wrong with her because she's not simmering with pent-up desire the way you are but that's not how most women work. If you want her to simmer, you have to do the prep work of turning on the heat for her.

Fifth, sure, yeah, it could be hormones, and you should seek medical assistance to rule it out just in case, but probably it's not. If you do think it's because of her birth control, why don't you get a vasectomy and take that burden from her? If you think your sex life has dropped off intolerably after two kids, trust me, you do not want to have more.

Sixth, show her this thread and COMMUNICATE about the issue. Ask her what she thinks of the responses you are getting. Ask her if any of us have hit the nail on the head from her perspective.

Good luck.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> Maybe I am not the norm, but the issues my W and I were having in terms of sex/desire have been addressed (as of now, of course check in with me in 6 months). I don't believe divorce is the best solution until you have exhausted all other avenues. Like I said though, maybe I am not the norm?


Your (and my) situations improved because we have good marriages and our wives care about our happiness.

If the wife doesn't care, then things are unlikely to improve.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Maybe I am not the norm, but the issues my W and I were having in terms of sex/desire have been addressed (as of now, of course check in with me in 6 months). I don't believe divorce is the best solution until you have exhausted all other avenues. Like I said though, maybe I am not the norm?


I was not really advocating divorce. OP has that option and I was pointing out that at the extreme end he can get what he wants (the sex), but at a significant cost. He has to decide if the price is worth it and I worded my comments to imply that it was not worth the price.

If OP won't take that divorce option, then his problem is framed up. He is willing to live with what he has now (low, no sex) to keep everything else. And if that is true, then ANY progress made towards a better sex life is an improvement. So the sex situation can only get BETTER, unless he divorces, which might not really be better.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Birth control really screws with a woman's sex drive. It disrupts the monthly cycle that cause women to desire sex. 

I'm past having kids and have my tubes done, and my sex drive cycles monthly cycle. 

But my kids are older and I get to sleep and relax, and I have a pretty good body image. 

I don't desire it much later in the month but my hb can usually coax it out of me.

Does she enjoy it when you do have it? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> Your (and my) situations improved because we have good marriages and our wives care about our happiness.
> 
> If the wife doesn't care, then things are unlikely to improve.


Yes, excellent point. I never got to the point where I had to destabilize anything. When I sat down with my W and we talked I think in part based on what I was saying she had a bit of a "Oh $h1t" moment. If she didn't care about me or our marriage, she probably never has that moment, and my posts here would probably be different lol.



blueinbr said:


> I was not really advocating divorce. OP has that option and I was pointing out that at the extreme end he can get what he wants (the sex), but at a significant cost. He has to decide if the price is worth it and I worded my comments to imply that it was not worth the price.
> 
> If OP won't take that divorce option, then his problem is framed up. He is willing to live with what he has now (low, no sex) to keep everything else. And if that is true, then ANY progress made towards a better sex life is an improvement. So the sex situation can only get BETTER, unless he divorces, which might not really be better.


Completely agree BBR


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## aussieh (Mar 17, 2016)

Thanks for the responses. By "help" I mean i don't just get home and park my arse on the couch and shout out for dinner, probably wrong choice of words from my end. I am as active as possible when I get home when it comes to cooking, cleaning and the kids. That way she can relax as much as she needs. Only once are the kids in bed can we then relax together however intimacy is lacking. We talk every day but more often then not i try to initiate, she never does, and am completely shut off. I don't see sex as reward, I need it to feel close to the person I spend every day with. Otherwise I may as well have married a mate and get the same result, someone to talk to. 

When she is into it sex is great but that's becoming uncommon. I cannot get a vasectomy right now as kids is an issue, she wants another and I absolutely do not as I dont think we could could handle it. Yes it can be reversed but once is enough. I havent heard the concept of destabilising, her job is her career so changing that is highly unlikely. If I can help her stress levels then maybe that might help her but I need to do something.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

When the late Michael O'Donoghue, the former SNL writer spoke to his mother on the phone who told him they lost his father, his response was 'did you look under the refrigerator?'


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Aussieh how is your body image. Are you in decent shape or have you let yourself go?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

She wants another kid? Great, start the vasectomy conversation. "2 kids seem to be too much for you without taking away all interest from us". That'll destabilize, she'll probably start going after you like rabbits, don't fall for it, demonstrated consistant enthusiam for 3 years and you'll consider a third .


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

aussieh said:


> Thanks for the responses. By "help" I mean i don't just get home and park my arse on the couch and shout out for dinner, probably wrong choice of words from my end. I am as active as possible when I get home when it comes to cooking, cleaning and the kids. That way she can relax as much as she needs. Only once are the kids in bed can we then relax together however intimacy is lacking. We talk every day but more often then not i try to initiate, she never does, and am completely shut off. I don't see sex as reward, I need it to feel close to the person I spend every day with. Otherwise I may as well have married a mate and get the same result, someone to talk to.
> 
> When she is into it sex is great but that's becoming uncommon. I cannot get a vasectomy right now as kids is an issue, she wants another and I absolutely do not as I dont think we could could handle it. Yes it can be reversed but once is enough. I havent heard the concept of destabilising, her job is her career so changing that is highly unlikely. If I can help her stress levels then maybe that might help her but I need to do something.


Definitely say no to the 3rd kid for now. The 3rd kid for us has been extremely challenging in terms of us as a married couple.

Curious, let's say you agreed to having a 3rd, do you think suddenly her interest in sex would pick up? If so maybe right now she just sees sex as a means to an end, which doesn't really bode well for you unless you want to have unlimited kids :grin2:

So as of now it seems like you feel you have more of a roommate than a spouse, correct?

Sorry if you answered this already, but have you asked her why she doesn't initiate? Have you told her by not initiating it makes you feel like she has no interest physically in you? Have you told her that sex is something for you that helps build the emotional connection with her and not just a "Wham bam thank you maam"?

The fear I would have, if things don't change for you, you will grow resentful and nothing positive will come out of this (that is where I was getting to when I decided that my W and I needed to sort this all out). 

Also, start thinking about how you would react if she just shrugs off your concerns, doesn't show any interest in making things work. At what point do you reach your breaking point?


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Sorry you're here. 

My STBXW wanted our child badly and initiated during the best times to conceive. 

After our son she became LD, followed by emotional abuse, then 2 EA's, then WAW.

She got her child and then got rid of me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your wife is displaying harmful and selfish behaviors that will help destroy her marriage.

You and her marriage are far from her top priority.

Would you read some books by yourself and with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There are two success story threads on TAM, both are worth reading. I cannot recall their exact names right now. Jld was on a lot neuklas was the poster's name, I think. He did a modified 180 while working on his own happiness and he got his wife interested in sex again. If a man is happy and appears to be moving on, his wife may want to be part of that life. It takes discipline to apply this method. There is also a danger of falling out of love with one's spouse.

The other was a university sound studio engineer whose wife had fallen out of love with him. He started running early every morning and becoming emotionally self sufficient. He got he wife back. She brought pvssy back to the bed. It was happy story. But the HD – LD threads on TAM can last for years. Big time misery.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@neuklas is right.

OP, my marriage was near sexless for the better part of two years, and we are back to being a loving couple, with good sexual frequency (2-3 times per week) where she initiates about 3/4 of the time.

It is critical to do two things.

1. Improve yourself. That means get in shape, leave substances alone, find your emotional center again, and the hard part...stop needing your wife.

2. Put her on notice.

"Wife, I love you, but I have been unhappy with our intimacy level for a long time. I won't remain in marriage with so little intimacy. I want to work together to make our marriage not just okay, but great, but I can't do it alone. Let me know what you decide."

If that conversation does not spur any effort from her, then destabilization will likely be necessary. It was at times for our rekindling.

Sometimes our partners have no idea how something important affects us when it goes missing unless they experience a similar loss.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Farside Junky is right. The other link was by Bagdon.

Another way to look at this – imagine if your wife started going to the gym. Got down to her ideal weight. Was toned. Paid attention to nails, hair, etc. Took up some external interest. Theater, dance, rock climbing. If she smiled a lot and was energetic. You would want her more than ever. But you would also be nervous. Maybe she was preparing herself to attract and seduce other men.

You need to up your game so that she feels that sex with you is desirable.

Stop accepting pity sex.

Hit the gym. Don't ask her for permission to do everything. Just do it.

Do not enter into covert contracts. You do the dishes three nights in a row and hope for a handjob. All those covert contracts reek of neediness.

Read about co-dependency.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> If that conversation does not spur any effort from her, then destabilization will likely be necessary. It was at times for our rekindling.
> 
> Sometimes our partners have no idea how something important affects us when it goes missing unless they experience a similar loss.


Well said far, nailed it.


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## FaithinVisionsRealized (Nov 17, 2015)

The 3 factors that can be a source of stress in a relationship are money, sex, and children. I have worked with many women that expressed feeling disallusionment from having children and it links to their body image It links because a woman's body does change after having a child hormonally and physically speaking (gaining weight/ losing weight in various areas, enlargement of vagina, fluctuating hormones, etc) I like that you are positively affirming her in how beautiful she is. You mentioned that both of you work a great deal and that sexual challenges began after the birth of your second child. With two children comes increases in energy and time from both of you. In addition, she may feel exhausted from tending to the children on a daily basis. For example, many moms have confessed to me that their sex drive decreases as a result of the children tugging or tapping on mom all day. Can you imagine being touched all day long by children/ or anyone for that matter? On your end of it I empathize as well. Children can change the intimate atmosphere that existed between the two of you. Before children, your wife most likely was able to give you more attention and now with two beautiful kids, more time has been devoted to them than your relationship. It is hard for men just as much as it is for women in different ways. I would recommend if you have a family member to plan date nights without the children, decrease both of your work loads, and perhaps marriage/ individual counseling (Especially if you wife is expressing distorted body image as it is linked to your intimacy). Blessings


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## I Gave up... Went Fishing (Mar 18, 2016)

There is not enough information here to tell you with any certainty if the situation will get better. Since you have two children it is imperative that you make every reasonable effort to be the best husband, lover, and friend you can be - in all areas of the relationship. They are the truly innocent ones in all of this, and you both have a primary responsibility towards them. So give it every effort...

Unfortunately, in many cases no amount of love, support, encouragement, affection, kindness, forgiveness, house cleaning, or doing the laundry, will make any difference with a wife who has no sexual desires and/or who is a prude. But sometimes, simply giving up, and changing your focus (from her to something else) can help in multiple ways.

I am several years further down the same path as you. I am 50, the wife is 45. We have been married for 24 years and have children who are 18 & 14... She was very passionate before marriage, but she kept strict limits because she was trying to be a "good girl" and save herself... She seemed more like a firecracker ready to pop than a prude in the making, but I could not have been more wrong in my assessment. We had a few moths of great sex after getting married, but then the prude started to emerge. And that prudishness grew like a cancer. Additionally, just a few years after we got married she just started completely letting herself go - dressing sloppy, wearing ugly junk clothes to bed, and letting herself get fat. It really seemed like she deliberately presented herself as unattractively as possible just to turn me off. Then shortly after our first child was born her sex drive just cratered and she let her weight go even more. She put on an extra 110 pounds. Last year, after 23 years, all that remained of my once beautiful, sexy, loving wife was a bitter fat prude who loudly grumbled any time I even suggested sex. 

BTW, she was fat, but never once did I call her fat or in anyway imply that she was unattractive to me. I did everything possible to let her know that I loved her and desired her.

Over the years I tried everything possible to improve the situation. I tried to be the most loving, attentive, gentle, kind, helpful husband ever. I did the vast majority of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, housework, and other BS that people often recommend. None of it worked. Then last year I just gave up, took much of my focus off of pleasing her, and I did something for myself. 

I thought about cheating, but I wasn't willing to risk my family. Still, I recognized that I needed something else to fill my time and to distract me - something away from the house and away from the wife. I was tired of spending so much of my time kissing her back side in hopes of getting some entirely unsatisfying and unhappy sex from her. I told her once again how unhappy I was with our sexual relationship and with her prudishness, and with her inability or refusal to show much affection. I told her she needed to start doing more of the work around the house and pull her own weight. Then I bought a boat and started going fishing frequently. 

I bought that boat and started fishing 9 months ago. I only go out once or twice a week, but it has had the strangest effect. Now she is a little nicer to me, and she is somewhat more receptive when I try to initiate sex, and on 3 or 4 occasions she has even reached over and touched my shoulder in bed at night. (That's her big sex move to let me know that she might be ok with having sex - so long as I don't ask her to do more than lay on her back and spread her legs.) I even got a blow job from her last fall. (I had to ask for that.) But best of all, she has decided that she wants to look better, and to try and lose some of that 110+ pounds of fat that she is carrying. I am a little overweight, so I have joined her on the diet. So far we have each lost about 15 pounds, and she is looking better every day.

So, my recommendations is to first do everything you can to be the best man, husband, lover, friend, etc. that you can be. If that fails then change your focus more towards enjoying other aspects of life that men enjoy... Buy a boat, a motorcycle, a hot rod or sports car, or whatever interests you, and go have some fun without her. Perhaps go to Hooters with a friend to watch a game and eat some wings... Your wife may then decide that she wants more of your attention - not less - once she realizes that she is no longer the center of your universe.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

^ Your username makes sense after reading your post :grin2:

Best luck to both you and your W with the weight loss, and hopefully keeping things moving in the right direction.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I Gave up... Went Fishing said:


> There is not enough information here to tell you with any certainty if the situation will get better. Since you have two children it is imperative that you make every reasonable effort to be the best husband, lover, and friend you can be - in all areas of the relationship. They are the truly innocent ones in all of this, and you both have a primary responsibility towards them. So give it every effort...
> 
> Unfortunately, in many cases no amount of love, support, encouragement, affection, kindness, forgiveness, house cleaning, or doing the laundry, will make any difference with a wife who has no sexual desires and/or who is a prude. But sometimes, simply giving up, and changing your focus (from her to something else) can help in multiple ways.
> 
> ...


What we often don't realize is that it is easy for both of these to happen in this type of dilemma:

1. Our partners take us for granted when we are too available.

2. How smothering we can be in the process of trying to get our own needs met.

Time on your boat solves both of these problems.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

There's some great suggestions already, and if you'd like more info about what you can do, read Divorcebusting, by Michele Weiner-Davis. If your marriage gets back , then check out some of the John Gottman books, like Seven Rules...


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## RayceCarrington (May 10, 2015)

If she doesn't want sex she doesn't want sex, my wife lost her sex drive so I just taught myself to not want sex, I think it's dumb how people put so much importance on sex. You need a hobby.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

RayceCarrington said:


> If she doesn't want sex she doesn't want sex, my wife lost her sex drive so I just taught myself to not want sex, I think it's dumb how people put so much importance on sex. You need a hobby.


I know.

If only everyone could be sexless and...cough...happy, just like you sound.

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