# different integrity levels in two people in a relationship



## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

The more and more I get to know my husband the more I realise that men in general crack very dirty and filthy jokes with each other. He goes to the gym with a couple of his buddies and they have a text maraton going on sometimes about all kinds of stuff from football to other guys stuff. sometimes though the guys send him photos that are inappropriate. My guy says he used to be a participant even when he was in prior relationships not only when single but now because I have made such a big deal about it bothering me he doesnt participate. BUT he thinks it is harmless and there is nothing wrong with it. 

Example of things that bother me : a guy friend of his by mistake texts peni.s as one of the words in the sentence 'what time you guys coming tonight to the gym?' so another guy sends a cartoon of three girls sucking a guys phone app with tongues out and the phone is supposed to mean a penis....?? anwyay so all the other guys are like woah buddy...then one of the guys texts 'does that mean if I get on this app i will get that treatment? well sign me in then lol' They also talk about women in the gym so eg if a girl wears short, shorts and her ass is looking big and nice etc. again my guy refrains from talking (SUPOSEDLY) but the other guys dont have any qualms. according to my guy they are not doing it all the time and it is not very very vulgar stuff so he says all guys are like this to some extent and he is not being disrecpectful and would do this if i had no problem but because i do he doesnt. Am i wrong to expect my husband to have enough integrity and not be so cheap and vulgar out of his own will? are there guys out there who dont do this stuff. is this the minority? is he right to say most guys as in 90 percent are like this? hmm....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

My husband doesn't do those things. I don't think your expectations are too high.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

I think they sound like the youth of today, who think it's funny and harmless to treat women as nothing but sex objects for their amusement.

And that sentence made me feel old.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sadly, I think women have always been disrespected by a certain percentage of the population.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

trini said:


> are there guys out there who dont do this stuff. is this the minority? is he right to say most guys as in 90 percent are like this? hmm....


Myself & H has had conversations about his verbal participation at work around the guys.. I ask out of curiosity -due to some threads here on the subject......he's told me one gets so bad / sexually vulgar bordering beyond just a Pervert... to downright SICK...demented).... he doesn't even like to repeat some of the things he says...(but he shares anyway)...(Married too -catholic wife) -I often wonder if she has any idea how he acts away from her presence with the guys.....

He has walked away from some of it..when it's tamer...he will sit amongst them fine..."guys will be guys" & he has no problem with it.. .they'll ask him... "Would you hit that?" sort of thing, they might try to pull it out of him....

I believe him when he says he never speaks anything to disrespect me.. I've never seen him behave like that in 33 yrs.. nor anyone else we know who knows him.. so not all men are like this..


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband doesn't do this either. Some of his mates do though.

Not all men are like this.


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

My husband doesn't do this. His dad and cousin will send him a picture of a girl's ass or something and he'll look at it of course because it's an ass and he's a guy but he rarely comments. I would have a serious problem with this behavior. If you're married to me, you need to act like it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't know why this is an integrity issue. He isn't lying to you. He isn't deceiving you. He isn't cheating on you.

As to his bawdy conversations, those sound pretty normal for single young men. While the tenor of the interactions may be different than how women talk, women do in fact make comments about men, right? Even married men still notice attractive women and we even sometimes will make a comment to another man about noticing her. I wouldn't do so in a way which embarrasses a woman, as that would be disrespectful. Noticing a woman is attractive is not disrespectful to her.

And I highly doubt the women in the picture with the phone were unwilling participants. Sex sells, and someone was trying to sell whatever that app is. It is no different than the pretty girl in the new car ad.

It sounds like your husband has toned down his behavior at your request. What more do you want, for him to renounce his masculinity and his sexuality?


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## ThirtyYearsIn (Sep 20, 2014)

vms said:


> I think they sound like the youth of today, who think it's funny and harmless to treat *men* as nothing but sex objects for their amusement.
> 
> And that sentence made me feel old.


I fixed it for you.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

frusdil said:


> My husband doesn't do this either. Some of his mates do though.
> 
> Not all men are like this.



:iagree:

Some of my husband's childhood friends still act like horny 16 year olds. My husband has a very disgusting childhood friend (for lack of a better word, they don't really hang out at all) who used to send my husband pictures of him having sex with random chicks. My husband had to literally curse him out & tell him to not do that anymore. That dude is plain trifling.

Not all men are like that though...unfortunately though some are.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds more like an issue with yourself...rather than your husband.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

I'm a little confused. You say he doesn't participate in this, and that the reason he doesn't is because he knows you wouldn't approve. But you want him to not participate just because he doesn't want to, of his own free will.

So him not talking about these things is not enough, you want him to NOT WANT to talk about them? He's a guy, sometimes he wants to engage in vulgar guy talk. He is declining out of respect for you, and i think you should stop overthinking this.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Has nothing to do with integrity. seems like you are looking for something to be mad about.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Janky said:


> Has nothing to do with integrity. seems like you are looking for something to be mad about.


It has everything to do with integrity. Having integrity means having certain morals and acting on them. If a man degrades women when they aren't around and then pretends like he's not that guy with his wife or others, he's not a man of integrity. Period.

Would you steal cash if no cops were around? Would you cheat on an exam if you could? Would you say degrading things about women when they aren't there to hear them?

All of the above: lack of integrity.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

that.girl said:


> I'm a little confused. You say he doesn't participate in this, and that the reason he doesn't is because he knows you wouldn't approve. But you want him to not participate just because he doesn't want to, of his own free will.
> 
> So him not talking about these things is not enough, you want him to NOT WANT to talk about them? He's a guy, sometimes he wants to engage in vulgar guy talk. He is declining out of respect for you, and i think you should stop overthinking this.


I have to agree with you I don't see the issue. He stated that all guys do this which I don't agree with. He probably said this as a justification for his friends. But he isn't particpating in this and isn't because he knows it would bother you. Instead of overthinking this maybe you should praise him for being the man you hoped he would be?


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Wolf1974 said:


> I have to agree with you I don't see the issue. He stated that all guys do this which I don't agree with. He probably said this as a justification for his friends. But he isn't particpating in this and isn't because he knows it would bother you. Instead of overthinking this maybe you should praise him for being the man you hoped he would be?


He's in a tough spot. Why would a man of integrity hang out with men who act like this? That's probably the real issue here. If you wouldn't cheat on your spouse or steal money from your company, would you be ok if your friends did? Would you accept them as they are or find new friends?

I know this isn't as big an issue as infidelity or stealing, but it still bothers the OP. She has high morals. Nothing wrong with that.


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

Sounds more like some toxic male-shaming or PC-bullying of thought-crimes than anything else. 

And no, joking to your friends about the people around you has nothing to do with integrity. Just like a bunch of women sipping chardonnay/lattes together giggling about the cute waiter or how dumb men are is not a crime.

Now, if they cheat or act out their fantasy, you have a problem.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

delupt said:


> Sounds more like some toxic male-shaming or PC-bullying of thought-crimes than anything else.
> 
> And no, joking to your friends about the people around you has nothing to do with integrity. Just like a bunch of women sipping chardonnay/lattes together giggling about the cute waiter or how dumb men are is not a crime.
> 
> Now, if they cheat or act out their fantasy, you have a problem.


PC bullying? Let men be men, right? Actually, it's let boys be boys. Sure, a lot of men do this kind of thing. I've known plenty; they also seem to like to cheat on their wives.


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

How old is he?

I will say in the youth of my day, before I was married, it was fairly common for me to discuss with my guy friends women we had seen. Different friends were comfortable with various levels of vulgarity.

As you get older, the level of vulgarity becomes...well... for lack of a better term, immature, and of course some men mature faster than others.

Eventually, I found being around several of my male friends somewhat uncomfortable as my "standards" evolved and theirs didn't, and I had to start disassociating myself with them.

It is a function of class and upbringing.

I'm not sure exactly what you can do though. You can communicate your feelings, but he will be the one who needs to make the decision. In a sense, though, you will likely put him in the position of choosing between his friends and you, since they are not likely to change, and he will be forced to disassociate with them/tell them to stop (which instantly translates into getting his balls busted as being p*ssy-whipped) in order to appease you.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

SurpriseMyself said:


> He's in a tough spot. Why would a man of integrity hang out with men who act like this? That's probably the real issue here. If you wouldn't cheat on your spouse or steal money from your company, would you be ok if your friends did? Would you accept them as they are or find new friends?
> 
> I know this isn't as big an issue as infidelity or stealing, but it still bothers the OP. *She has high morals. Nothing wrong with that.*


Yes, but no person gets to project their values on to another. Is the OP demanding that her DH honor her values?


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

yes I suspect he might be saying to me he doesnt participate and when he is in the heat of the moment he does (maybe this happens only sometimes but lets say if he is angry at me after a fight and he is drinking I fear he will stop behaving this way because at the end of the day it is not because he wants to it is because I am making him). I am sure he has decreased and I am thankful for that but I sometimes feel like I am forcing him and it really bothers me. He and I are two different people but we do love each other. I feel this is too superficial of an issue to break up a marriage but in the past when I have told him it hurts me I have heard him say some nasty **** to his friends one night when I went to sleep and he was really drunk in a cabin getaway weekend. He basically said he would fu.ck this actress and that actress and just talked about women so disrespectfully, (mind you knowing I was asleep in the next room!). The next day followed a huge fight. He said he normally doesnt say that kind of stuff, and hasnt since college, and because he doesnt hang out with friends as often the drunkedness and late talking in cabin got better of him and he rememberd his college days talking ****. After that he has been tame. He says he was hit by a bus when I came into the picture cause before this his other gfs have rolled their eyes but never made an issue of this sort of thing. He says it is a learning curve. That I am the one who is different(lets say wierd about this kinda stuff) and most people behave this way (meaning sharing vulgar jokes, talking about women). As far as the actress incident goes, saying he would fu,ck her etc. I think he was a little embarrassed by it and it prob isnt a regular thing even in his book. BUT HE DID SAY IT and he has admitted to saying that sort of thing in the past in college. As far as I have seen he is right. Almost all guys I know behave this way other than a few, so it makes me think perhaps I am overreacting. But I would love to be with someone who doesnt want to do this out of his own free will... Life is a little strange that way that I would fall in love with one who wasnt like this.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Oh, geez, what I'd do on a night with Brad Pitt!

Whoa Nellie!


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Yeah, I think you're overreacting.

I'd like to screw Jason Statham, but saying it, and it actually happening, are two different things. Difference is, that'd be a totally physical thing. He's hot. I'd do naughty things to him. But I wouldn't CARE about him. That's why it's not a big deal. Your hubby cares about YOU. Talking about other women that are attractive to him, when he's with his friends, doesn't mean he wants YOU less. It isn't devaluing you as a person or as his spouse. 

While it can be immature and crass to be very vulgar, and it can go too far sometimes I think, it isn't taking his love or affection away from you. There is no reason to be threatened by it. 

Again, I think you need to address your insecurities with yourself.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> He's in a tough spot. Why would a man of integrity hang out with men who act like this? That's probably the real issue here. If you wouldn't cheat on your spouse or steal money from your company, would you be ok if your friends did? Would you accept them as they are or find new friends?
> 
> I know this isn't as big an issue as infidelity or stealing, but it still bothers the OP. She has high morals. Nothing wrong with that.


First vulgar talk is hardly the same as infidelity or stealing. I mean come on let's not deal in absolutes here.

Second it's not his job to control everything and everyone. A mark of a strong man is one who can stand up to peer pressure and say no I won't participate in this. I don't agree with it but at the same time not judge. Same as it is with people who drink, swear, go to church and so on and so forth. 

All I'm saying is maybe instead of focusing on the negative of his friends be proud that he stood up to be the man of character she hoped he would be.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

trini said:


> yes I suspect he might be saying to me he doesnt participate and when he is in the heat of the moment he does (maybe this happens only sometimes but lets say if he is angry at me after a fight and he is drinking I fear he will stop behaving this way because at the end of the day it is not because he wants to it is because I am making him). I am sure he has decreased and I am thankful for that but I sometimes feel like I am forcing him and it really bothers me. He and I are two different people but we do love each other. I feel this is too superficial of an issue to break up a marriage but in the past when I have told him it hurts me I have heard him say some nasty **** to his friends one night when I went to sleep and he was really drunk in a cabin getaway weekend. He basically said he would fu.ck this actress and that actress and just talked about women so disrespectfully, (mind you knowing I was asleep in the next room!). The next day followed a huge fight. He said he normally doesnt say that kind of stuff, and hasnt since college, and because he doesnt hang out with friends as often the drunkedness and late talking in cabin got better of him and he rememberd his college days talking ****. After that he has been tame. He says he was hit by a bus when I came into the picture cause before this his other gfs have rolled their eyes but never made an issue of this sort of thing. He says it is a learning curve. That I am the one who is different(lets say wierd about this kinda stuff) and most people behave this way (meaning sharing vulgar jokes, talking about women). As far as the actress incident goes, saying he would fu,ck her etc. I think he was a little embarrassed by it and it prob isnt a regular thing even in his book. BUT HE DID SAY IT and he has admitted to saying that sort of thing in the past in college. As far as I have seen he is right. Almost all guys I know behave this way other than a few, so it makes me think perhaps I am overreacting. But I would love to be with someone who doesnt want to do this out of his own free will... Life is a little strange that way that I would fall in love with one who wasnt like this.


So now he does say these things? Seems like the story is evolving. Does it bother you that he says this or that he desires other women. I do agree with you that if this is such a sticky issue to you then curious why you would be with him. I am defintely crass, that's my personality, but my GF accepts me for who I am good and bad. Some wouldn't be able to be with me and that's ok too. Having deal breakers, no matter what they are , isn't the issue. Trying to enforce them after the fact is.


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