# Reconciliation, and holding back.



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

So I have been real quiet for a while. I deleted a lot of my previous threads because of a very messy situation with a poster on here a while back. After that I tried to finish the job at deleting the rest because of anonymity fears. 

Anyway we have run the gambit from MC, anger management, drug addiction to weed, separation, etc... and I got to admit, I threw in the towel a bunch of times, but I was indecisive, confused, stupid, weak...take your pick. But I hung in there. 

We started true Reconciliation sometime in April or May...Its hard to determine when, It was a process. It was untrusted for a long time. Still is since I think that is what holds me back. What makes my stomach sink. I still fear the what if, what if he is cheating again? What if he will? What if I am too paranoid? 

Things are good, real good. Im not angry anymore, I hardly trigger. He is very caring and tries so hard, which sometimes is saying a lot. I can be difficult. Especially when I am sick which I was this last week and he was so good... He took care of me pretty well, considering he never once really cared for me before when I was sick. I thanked him a bunch, but I also verbally was harsh when he didn't hop right to it and take care of the kids to my standard. I had my *****y moments this last weekend that I'm not proud of. He took it all pretty well considering. He got snappy too, but nothing like mine. And overall he was very caring and helpful. 

Its just moments like that make me fear that I'm still angry. Or unreasonable. He really is the more calm and centered one. I just worry that my moods will push him away, and I just am unsure how to control my own irritation with him sometimes. And just to be clear, I really am being very impatient with him sometimes. It is unreasonable by my own standards. 

I don't really want to find another IC, i feel the last one was actually too much complication for me. She was not helpful to me in retrospect. 

On another subject, I have better employment as a Captioner, working online from home. I have been working this way for the last month and made enough for a part time minimum wage job, but from home! Anyway making money does give me a sense of contribution instead of being a consumer... Being a stay at home wife unemployed is a very vulnerable feeling and position to be in. I felt powerless, now even though it is not much I feel like i am contributing to the future. This has done a lot in making me feel less unsure of myself. 

I am also making a little side money doing Copy-write and blog writing on an online writing Mill. It's interesting and helping me purse my other interests. 

So things are over all very good. Just need to keep working on myself. That is all I can control anyway.


----------



## DepressedDiva (Mar 23, 2017)

threelittlestars said:


> Anyway making money does give me a sense of contribution instead of being a consumer... Being a stay at home wife unemployed is a very vulnerable feeling and position to be in. I felt powerless, now even though it is not much I feel like i am contributing to the future. This has done a lot in making me feel less unsure of myself.
> 
> I am also making a little side money doing Copy-write and blog writing on an online writing Mill. It's interesting and helping me purse my other interests.
> 
> So things are over all very good. Just need to keep working on myself. That is all I can control anyway.


Good for you, It's encouraging to see a positive reconciliation post!  I am in a similar situation, and I am trying to reconcile. :| My one year anniversary D-day is next month. Being chronically ill makes forgiving & reconciling much harder. What coping techniques were helpful and did your WH do anything to help alleviate your anger & pain?


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Simple question my friend... have you considered meditation to help calm you when you feel irritated?


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

DepressedDiva said:


> Good for you, It's encouraging to see a positive reconciliation post!  I am in a similar situation, and I am trying to reconcile. :| My one year anniversary D-day is next month. Being chronically ill makes forgiving & reconciling much harder. What coping techniques were helpful and did your WH do anything to help alleviate your anger & pain?



I am almost 3 years post d-day.... It was hard the first year, and i found the second year, the first six months to be my hardest personally. 

Coping? I am not sure what i can offer. Time has been my only solace, that and a repenting and remorseful husband. 

These sites like to say "oh such and such is not remorseful enough, or that he or she is not worthy of the gift of R...but my belief is its a process for both. Sometimes the wayward is not perfect. They are not a light switch, and they cant just flip to being good. And if they do that actually gives me no sense of comfort...they are too changeable. I think observing my husband come to terms with his actions, with the infidelity and with the aftermath has been eye opening for me. It has been slow, but what i looked for was effort to get it right in an authentic attempt to change and be better. 

I on the other hand had a process of being a worse person after the infidelity and i had to work on finding my way out of the dark. 

Sure you can expect your spouse to pull you out of it. But it wont work that way.... Not really. My husband broke me. And i expected him to fix me... I was disappointed when he didn't/couldn't. 

I have been working on myself, and to be honest i think that was a turning point. I stopped looking at him to make me better.... I had to find ways to do it myself. Sometimes it was destructive, and took away from other responsibilities. At some point I found a balance. Maybe... 

Coping... It's a hard road to Reconcile. I still have my fears and misgivings, I don't think those will ever go away. But i have found comfort, and some hope again. Dec 12 will be three years... Maybe by five i will feel more solid.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Simple question my friend... have you considered meditation to help calm you when you feel irritated?


I am a yoga lover and occasional meditation practitioner... But to be honest, my practice is weak. I dont effectively meditate. I have ADHD and its very very hard to focus my scattered thoughts. 

But i do try.... unfortunately I happen to suck at it.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> I am a yoga lover and occasional meditation practitioner... But to be honest, my practice is weak. I dont effectively meditate. I have ADHD and its very very hard to focus my scattered thoughts.
> 
> But i do try.... unfortunately I happen to suck at it.


Mindfulness meditation has incredible benefits being ADHD. 

I understand your struggles with some awareness, D2 has severe ADHD and watching her learn to navigate though it has been an incredible exercise in compassion and patience. My nature with her was to create a codependent loop that served us both poorly and her lashing out when she is frustrated or her expectations are not met is hard not to be hurt by, but the greater good is served by letting them pass by although their glancing blows can knock one off balance at times.

A slight smile... you have already passed judgement on yourself thinking you "suck" at it. I would say that is your first dismissal for healing as you enter into mindful practice of any kind. You don't suck at it, you aren't weak with it, your mind is where your mind is and if you even if you find it able to be calm 5 seconds, those are 5 very successful seconds.

Some days you may work it up to 60 (or more), others may only be 3... but each second is still a successful one.

Mindfulness is a tool of self-regulation... ADHD is a state of disorder with that.

This makes the practice of mindfulness meditation so important to consider and practice, learn to pick up those quiet changes as they are happening so with a moment's calm the impulses can be slowed down so your reactions to the situation (anger, impatience) are at least filtered a little in those few seconds resulting in a less disappointing outcome.

When you don't feel good about something you recognize it right away... your challenge is to not be impulsive with it. We all have those impulses... I am not ADHD and even I experience them, but in mindfulness training I now see them coming miles ahead of me instead of the split seconds before when it used to hit. 

My challenge was to unlearn to react in every given scenario, nothing was life or death any longer, and learn to pace my reactions enough so that the ones I use were beneficial. 

Writing that, it has some shared similarities, doesn't it?

You need to learn to pace your impulses, kind of as I had to. Different feeds, same tools.

Walking meditation is also an advantage if sitting still is a challenge, release the restlessness.

Or Loving-kindness meditation to work on loving ourselves more and a practicing of forgiving our actions by loving others and wishing good things for them... I practice all three.

I'm here if you want more conversation and practice ideas with it.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

threelittlestars said:


> We started true Reconciliation sometime in April or May...Its hard to determine when, It was a process. It was untrusted for a long time. Still is since I think that is what holds me back. *What makes my stomach sink. I still fear the what if, what if he is cheating again? What if he will? *What if I am too paranoid?


3LS,

8 years out from DD, R with my WW.

The simple truth is... R is just plain hard. You get to wake up every morning and attempt to make a better day than yesterday with the same person that Betrayed your Marriage, endangered your health, and starred you in the face and lied. And, now you are "expected" to forgive this person and trust again. 

How anyone can do it, including me, is at best a mind-boggle. 

One suggestion... regarding all your "What if he?...". You really need to have the come to Jesus with him and make it perfectly, crystal clear... The slightest sign of an affair, a single email or text, an "innocent" lunch date, whatever... You are done. Divorced. R means NO, NEVER, WILL NOT HAPPEN with "3rd" chances. And, you have to believe it too.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

3LS,

It sounds as if you are making progress and have a good grasp on being centered. I applaud your progress. You are far stronger than I. I just couldn't do it. I know myself too well.

I truly wish you the best in your recovery process.


----------



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> I am also making a little side money doing Copy-write and blog writing on an online writing Mill. It's interesting and helping me purse my other interests.
> 
> So things are over all very good. Just need to keep working on myself. That is all I can control anyway.


Forgive the threadjack, but as an aspiring writer, may I ask how you got into that? I might like to do the same.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Oh ella, I would be happy to help. I applied to Blogmutt, they took forever to work through the application process... I was on the edge for almost two weeks while they weighed my application and my writing body online. It helped that I wrote very prolifically on fanfiction....(to be honest it's not the most polished of my work AND i was almost embarrassed to share it) But i have over 100,000 readers, so i am sure that may have helped in being hired. 

To help me learn better proper punctuation etc, i also took a job at REV.com. its a captioning agency...(HARD WORK!) but it pays okay AND working from home is great.... So no complaints there. Between both I have made 500$ this month. But i got to be honest....it's not easy money. But to stay home....WORTH IT! 

This has just been the first month. I am due to move up in the Rev captioning company soon. A 20% pay raise. already!


----------



## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> Oh ella, I would be happy to help. I applied to Blogmutt, they took forever to work through the application process... I was on the edge for almost two weeks while they weighed my application and my writing body online. It helped that I wrote very prolifically on fanfiction....(to be honest it's not the most polished of my work AND i was almost embarrassed to share it) But i have over 100,000 readers, so i am sure that may have helped in being hired.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




If you and Ella are interested in generating side streams of income or working from home, check out http://reddit.com/r/beermoney 

That’s how I get extra cash to squirrel away for fun purchases


----------

