# Not about revenge...feeling a sense of obligation.



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

WS and I are in R (6 months from last contact and last DD). I have put any revenge out of my mind and am in a good place. However, lately I am feeling a sense of obligation to let OW's boyfriend know that she cheated on him and she is using him. I would want to know if I were him, to at least have the choice of staying or leaving. 

Would like to hear if you "exposed" only because you felt obligated. Also, how long did you wait? What was the outcome? 

Did you find a way to make peace with it and let it be, leaving the other betrayed spouse in the dark?

Do we as BS's have an obligation to tell OMs or OWs significant other, or do we let them find out for themsleves? If we say nothing, they may never know. Is that better?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> WS and I are in R (6 months from last contact and last DD). I have put any revenge out of my mind and am in a good place. However, lately I am feeling a sense of obligation to let OW's boyfriend know that she cheated on him and she is using him. I would want to know if I were him, to at least have the choice of staying or leaving.
> 
> Would like to hear if you "exposed" only because you felt obligated. Also, how long did you wait? What was the outcome?
> 
> ...


I answered in more detail in your other thread. 

Yes. Expose. 

I exposed to be fair to the OW's clueless husband. 

He has the right to know.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He has a right to know.

Also, it shows to your WS that there are consequences to others for her actions and choices.

And it shows you are willing yo stand up and act against those who would prey on your family.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I think it is the decent thing to do is to expose to the OMW or OWH. There are a couple of reasons why I think this.

1. While you are in R with your spouse, the OMW or OWH can watch for warning signs on their side. After all, two sets of eyes are truly better than 1.

2. She or he has a right to know that their spouse is cheating on them. Then, they can choose to ask you for more evidence, share evidence that they have.

3. If the OMW or OWH, it could put them in shock. After their own fog clears, they will decide whether to believe the lies of their WS or not. The path to R for them is given as an option.

4. It shows that there are consequences to the WS actions. Anything else is really rug sweeping. An affair is likely to be rekindled (gosh, I hate that word) if there is no consequences to their actions.

Knowing about an affair is only half the battle.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I wrote to the OM's GF. I have no idea what, if any, reaction there was. She gained him by cheating with him so it won't be a surprise.

I left it 2 months before doing it so I didn't just do it as a knee jerk reaction. 

I felt better as at least she can make an informed decision whether or not to stay with him.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Hello Looking! Glad to see you are still R-ing. How are you?

I would say definitely expose. It is not only the right thing to do, however the consequences turn out, but also if you don't it will always nag at you. I exposed his OW a year later. To her work...which does have relevance to what she did and what I was told about her. She had no man to expose to by then. They had split. Probably due to her cheating ways.

Hope you are doing well.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

vote to expose


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

OK - so seems like the majority is to expose and let the other innocent party know. Now this - I don't want it to hurt our R. And - do I tell WH that I feel a need to do this or do I just do it? Just doing it - isn't that keeping secrets - something that should not be in a marriage? 

Breakthrough last night and this morning (on a different note). Arguement about money - which we should not even have to worry about. We both make very good money, but he is a spender and I am a saver. He always got spoiled and what he wanted growing up and I always worked for it. I have no problem spending money as long as we have it, but I pay all of the bills and have for 16 years, and for 16 years, we always argue about his spending (toys, just things he does not need, upgrades to things he has, fast food, energy drinks and supplements that do no good unless you are working out . Anyway - argument last night - took me back to a bad place, brought all of the affair emotions back. 

Not that I hadn't realized before, but almost 99% of our arguments are over money.....he has during our R admitted that it was just selfishness and weakness as to why he has cheated. HOWEVR, I feel that it is all our arguments about money that gave him reason to fuel his justification on why it is OK to cheat - him not being happy, us fighting all the time, me nagging him.

I told him this morning that if we could finally get on the same page and get our finances in order (and we can - I am good at it if we stick to a plan), we would have nothing to argue about...which is what I tried to do for 16 years....how it could have saved us our breakdown in marriage. When we don't argue about money - we are great.

Switching back - I got so angry and flooded by emotions last night, that I did want to expose - not do the right thing, and that scares me. I wanted her to suffer like I was suffering at that moment. I had cleansed myself of that (or so I thought) a couple of months ago, but it all flooded back. Is this normal?

Now this morning I want to contact her BF because of 2 reasons. I just can't do it until I get my head straight again. I made it clear to my husband (and I apologized for the things I said and the way I reacted last night - I was angry. I can't take my anger from the affair and project it into other areas of our marriage, but I see how the 2 tie together even if he does not, so it hurts) that we have to get on the same page now or it just won't work. He said he will sit down with me from morning to night tomorrow if that is what it takes. I know he will, I just hope he sticks to it.

So no "exposing" by me yet...I have to make sure it is for the right reason again. 


Remains - I (we) are good - just rough last couple of days  Thanks for asking!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> OK - so seems like the majority is to expose and let the other innocent party know. Now this - I don't want it to hurt our R. And - do I tell WH that I feel a need to do this or do I just do it? Just doing it - isn't that keeping secrets - something that should not be in a marriage?
> 
> Breakthrough last night and this morning (on a different note). Arguement about money - which we should not even have to worry about. We both make very good money, but he is a spender and I am a saver. He always got spoiled and what he wanted growing up and I always worked for it. I have no problem spending money as long as we have it, but I pay all of the bills and have for 16 years, and for 16 years, we always argue about his spending (toys, just things he does not need, upgrades to things he has, fast food, energy drinks and supplements that do no good unless you are working out . Anyway - argument last night - took me back to a bad place, brought all of the affair emotions back.
> 
> ...


Hi Sun:

Your husband sounds like mine. 

I was the saver he was the spender. We never fought about it though. He would balk and often I would give in and let him buy his toys. 

My spouse is passive aggressive, and I to think he was angry about me pointing out his careless spending. 

The OW was a spender her clueless husband spoiled her. 

My STBEH and the OW were very similar. Both were shallow and showy. 

As for outing the affair to her spouse. 

I agree, don't do it in secret. Tell you husband it is something you need to do to heal and also because you feel her husband has the right to know. 

He does have the right to know. The poor guy can't fix what he has no clued is broken and he is in a marriage that unbeknownst to him is a lie.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

By not exposing to her boyfriend you are enabling a future affair. You can spend lots of time rationalising why you should not expose yet 99% of those reasons is you hiding your fear to stand up and do what is right for you, for your marriage, for your husband and her boyfriend.

Contact him without telling your husband until after the exposre , and let the boyfriend deal with the OW, with two sets of eyes watching a future contact between the OW and your husband will be more difficult.

A tip for you: on the wayward and pro affair sites the single item they fear the most is exposure as it reveals their lies , their deceit to those that love them and shatters the fantasy of the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

If I say nothing to my husband, I am doing nothing better than what I want from him...and voiding the "no-contact" rule in a round about sort of way. My struggle is with myself. What is good for my family and what is good for my "mental freedom" and sanity and probably my ego too. 2 days ago, my struggle was with what is best for my family and my struggle with my morals. 

Being triggered last night brought emotions back that I had control over the last couple of months. Just another reminder of why I would like nothing more than to shatter her comfy existance. My children are my world and my broken marriage that is slowly being repaired is my future. So I sit and wait. Crazy tart would just stir up trouble, I am sure. Revenge or morals - have to decide if either is worth it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

For me I would not care whether it is revenge or obligation I would do it for no other reason then to have another set of eyes on the situation. Frankly I could care less about a person's motivation for revealing an A to anyone.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

OK - so then if I do something - for whatever reason - morals or revenge - I am about 75% morals again and 25% revenge - I know that may seem crazy to have different reasons, but I do. And I am calming down from last night...so if I do something, and he kicks her to the curb - 2 sets of eyes does no good. Now she is deperate, angry and still her loony self. She knows my husbands work address (although she lives 1/2 way across the country), and it would not be difficult to get our address off the internet - I am sure she has it already. Although she would have no money to come out here but I am sure she could sleep her way across America.....

So 2 sets of eyes does not always apply, unless the other party stciks it out too, right? And honestly, I am not even worried about that...6 months into R - maybe I should be, but I am not. If something else bad happens by his choice, it is over - no question about it. I refuse to be a prisoner at this point and worry about what might happen. I spent too much time and energy worrying about what happened, why it happened, and what to do about it. I can't change it, neither can he. I accepted that a couple of months ago, thus leading to my "moral obligation dilemma"....revenge was off the table until last night. I need to get back to my happy place


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would do it and then tell him after the fact and matter of factly


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

I don't have a problem with revenge


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

As long as there is no agreed-to budget you two will ALWAYS have money arguments/resentments. 

You both need to sit down by yourselves or better yet with a one-time financial planner and work out a monthly budget. Include in the budget a line for incidentals and a line for 'savings for future major purchases that are somewhat frivolous' 

Agree to the budget and STICK TO IT. Sit together monthly to review the budget with both of you contributing to it's components. That time will (in time) serve as a bonding time and may well strengthen your marriage. 

If he can't/won't stick to the agreed-upon budget it can tell you plenty about his level of commitment in other things as well. (ummm like your marriage). Good luck to both of you


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I agree. I pointed out this is why we almost always argued. Either he commits to it this time or the arguments and resentment continue on my part as well. I told him I was mentally exhausted and could not do it anymore - that I was going to turn it all over to him. Maybe this time he knows I mean it because this affair has hardened me - some for the better.

Bonding time is so important. We had 3 weeks of bonding while our girls stayed w/relatives this summer. Took our cruise, and it was great - went out - I cut loose and had a few too many drinks, but it was just what I needed. I found me again - the woman he married - not the woman he turned me into. I am back, and I am not going anywhere. I think he appreciates "me" and sees just how fun I really am - how strong and good and funny - I am just happy to be back - sucks that it had to stem from infidelity.

So we bonded again - did rip60 before summer and just started Insanity on Monday. did not work out this morning due to argument last night, but are going to this evening. 

Finances is a big thing for me....it should be for him....we have potential. Wish me luck!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Please remove money as a barrier. Until you both *COMMIT* to a money plan (MONTHLY WRITTEN budget) it will always be another thorn in your marriage - just waiting to be triggered by the slightest fight. 

Some time ago there was a money-talk guy on the radio (Dave Ramsey) that had a book that included a 'how to' in preparing, committing to, and following a family budget. He quoted some statistic that said that money fights were almost as culpable as infidelity for marriage breakups. 

Don't proceed with this strike against you. OH, and don't "leave it to him" to handle it - you must both work together. It'll make both of you feel more like a team. Heck, you could include your kids in the preparation of the budget. Then see how close you come each month to adhering to the budget. 

I wish you luck - but luck won't be enough. You both must make your own luck with hard work. 

Families that are whole, loving, and committed are precious. Make yours precious..


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Update - we went over finances. I did some research on Dave Ramsey and found a great calculator/spreadsheet that broke it down so easy that even a caveman could do it  I always thought my own spreadsheet I created 10 years ago was great, but he never took interest. Maybe because this is a little more spelled out and takes any guesswork out of paying off debt (and seeing that we can be debt free (minus mortgage) in 3 years and debt free of mortgage in just under 10 (and we have only had our house for 1 year)....I pray he is on board. This is with a good spending allowance every month - just need to start tracking it.

We also need to get the rest of our life in balance. Tomorrow will be 6 months of NC - a milestone, but one that I wish I never had to track. We both appear to be doing better. We don't talk about it much now, and that is OK. I asked all the questions I had 2 months ago and have pretty much said all that I need to say about it - with us I am good. 

I am still hanging in the balance of telling and not telling the boyfriend. 6 months.....I kind of gave that to myself as a milestone too, of I will either do it or I won't. When my reason turned to revenge again - it is hard to let that go. It took me about 4 months last time, so I have not yet in less than 2 weeks. My heart still aches sometimes, but it is getting a lot better. I would say we are at about 70% of where we need to be. 

I hate dates, milestones, etc. All of that only brings the hurt of the affair back into my everyday thoughts. 6 months of NC - next month is a year ago they started talking, then the following when the hooked up for 4 days - then dday anniversary, then dday 2, then dd 3, then dd 4 - then the cyle starts all over. That kind of thinking keeps revenge on the table. It is not healthy, and I know that, so there is still some work to do. 

What to do, what to do.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why is telling the BF that he's living in a false relationship, working on building a false future with the OW tied to you getting your finances in order?

This poor guy is giving away more and more days of his life to someone who cheats on him and you hold the key to him knowing the truth.

You may be thinking, the affairs over so it's not like he is still being cheated on, BUT how do you know she hasn't or isn't about to start another affair and cheat again?

Please tell the poor bf.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

WS and I are in R (6 months from last contact and last DD). I have put any revenge out of my mind and am in a good place. However, lately I am feeling a sense of obligation to let OW's boyfriend know that she cheated on him and she is using him. I would want to know if I were him, to at least have the choice of staying or leaving. 

*It would have been better if you had exposed her right away. But I guess anytime is better than never.*

Would like to hear if you "exposed" only because you felt obligated. 

*My exposure of her was two fold....reason one was that her husband needed to know in order to protect himself from STDs (not from my husband but from other men) and two she claimed that he knew, so I thought I would make sure she was not lying.*

Also, how long did you wait? 

*I tried contacting him via facebook right away. It took about a month to tract down their address, thank god I found his cell number. I don't know how I would have handled seeing her face.*

What was the outcome? 

*Found out she is a serial cheat that lures men with sex. Her husbands words not mine. She has an STD, cheated for 6 yrs of their marriage and got a thanks for letting him know. I guess they are still together and doing MC. Her husband is a very nice man and even apologized for his wife's behavior.*

Did you find a way to make peace with it and let it be, leaving the other betrayed spouse in the dark?

*There was no way I would have left him in the dark. I am not saying that it didn't cross my mind as they have two kids.*

Do we as BS's have an obligation to tell OMs or OWs significant other, or do we let them find out for themsleves? 

*I say tell, ask if they want the evidence and then end all contact. Two sets of eyes are better than one.* 

If we say nothing, they may never know. Is that better? 

*I go back and forth on the issue. Sometimes I wish I had never known (it ended about 6 months prior to me finding out) and been able to go about life happy and carefree. Other times I am glad that my eyes are now open.*


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Why is telling the BF that he's living in a false relationship, working on building a false future with the OW tied to you getting your finances in order?
> 
> It is not. My thing about finances came into play when I realized that 90% of the resentment in our marriage came from not being on the same page with our finances. I was angry and dissapointed, WS was angry, felt attacked and felt he could do whatever he wanted since he was resentful an we argued.
> 
> ...


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

It doesn't matter the reasons. Revenge, she deserves it. And he deserves to know. If it backfires it may work in your favour and concrete your husbands resolve of what a most stupid stupid thing to do. And how the consequences are heavy. He will have an affair reminder of all bad things that result from it. A Pavlov's dogs reaction of the fire that was started by his affair. And that will be his experience of affairs! I doubt he would ever start another if all went crazy as a result of you exposing.

And yes, tell him. I told my man I wanted to see her. He was fine. I went to see her. Only to get information...I was nice to her. I told him I wanted to email her to lay down the law of any further contact. He said 'good'. I didn't really do that one. I emailed instead and asked her to call me as I wanted to ask her a couple of questions, a 5 min conversation. It was a very pleasant email, and I didn't really expect her to reply but hoped she would due to my reasonable and pleasant behaviour before that, so when she didn't, I was shocked at my anger at that. After all she had done! So I threatened to expose her to her boss if she didn't call. I got a text from police instead asking to not contact. So I sent my final email to her (and one to her boss with an apology and explanation & with hers copy and pasted below it), exposing all she'd done (sex, drugs, slu*tish behaviour - she works with vulnerable young adults). 

I told my man after I emailed her work and her boss, to warn him she may be angry at him if he sees her at all. He wasn't bothered. 

So yes, tell your man whenever the appropriate point is to tell him. Probably after in my opinion.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is your marriage so fragile that a single OW could derail it ? Then you are only derailing the obvious.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Warlock - I am not sure what you mean. Are you asking if I think that this one OW can destroy us if I expose her to her BF? If so, no, I am not worried about that. I worry about the fallout that would roll downhill to my children. They are my only concern about exposing. WH has told me a couple of times in the past that if I need to do it to move on then do it...he might have meant it, or he might have said it to derail me. I don't know. I just haven't because I know that she is loony and desperate.

If it is something else, please let me know so I can give you (and myself) and answer. Thanks!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

In olden times, a person could rely on a handshake because that guy was probably someone who lived in your village and everyone KNEW who could and could not be relied upon. Phil the Blacksmith was okay with a loan, but don't leave your daughter around him. Jack the Drunk couldn't be trusted with anything.

These days characterless trolls take advantage of the 'benefit of the doubt' and the anonymity of society. You don't know anything about the girl talking to your husband. Is she a saint, a devoted wife, a ****?

So if you are smart, you ask around. These people thrive in darkness. Shine a little light into their world. If they don't change (and you certainly can't count on that) then at least it CAN guard the person you talk to if they take it seriously (Denial isn't a river in Egypt, however)

YOUR moral onus is to guard yourself and guard others.

However, from the tone of your thread, you seem almost scared of this woman. Why? Are you afraid she'll come cross country to hunt you down and hurt you or your children? Or that abandoned by her BF, she decided so fall on her back legs spread in front of your husband.

In the first case, I wouldn't worry much but I'd do a follow up call to the BF in a week.

In the second, if he falls for her a second time, he isn't worth an R in the first place.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Yes, no, none of the above.

I know the OW is crazy. Husband has disclosed her past, her past relationships, and I have dug deeper and found an arrest record that he did not know about, plus I have experienced first hand her less than humane actions and seen more than enough of their texts and emails than I should have. I know how she operates.

If I contacted her BF - if he dumps her, she would lose the food in her mouth and roof over her head. He is well off and she is spoiled to that. I have ZERO doubt in my mind that she would play very dirty and seek her own revenge to hurt as many members of our family as possible - she already tried that. IF she did that again, could we get a restraining order - sure, but to someone hell bent on revenge, there is no time limit. She is miserable. She told my husband he was not a bad person for cheating and that she turned out just fine without a father. She is wacked and hooked on presription drugs...girls got some problems.

Do I fear that she would come across country to hurt my family? Am I afraid of her? If it were just me and her, all I would do is smile and take her out - no problem. No regrets.

Do I fear that she will present herself to my husband again and he will crumble. No. For the first time in 6 months, I am 100%without doubt about that. Do I think she would try - possibly - to try and drive a wedge between us, like she did before, like he caved before, but not anymore. 

With that said, I had an aha moment this morning, and I feel like a weight has been lifted. He had told me once that the BF left a fiance for her, because she only goes after committed men. She was proud of that. I believe it to be true, but even if it is not - to live with a girl like her for 5 years, and not marry her, he must be some kind of a**ole himself. For sure if he ditched a finace for her, but thinking about how she is - does not work, is on FB playing Farmville and crap all day long, hooking up, arrest, prescription drug problem (oh...and he is a dentist - maybe she gets them from him) and he hasn't committed to her yet - who is to say that he has not had his own on the side and they are just using one another....kind of makes me think that maybe they are a perfect match.

So - then I also start thinking (as i this isn't enough), that at this point, exposing - it would be doing something for me to feel good knowing that there may be consequences to my family - how deep, I don't now, how long for, I don't know. Am I fearful - of her, no. I am protective of my family, and for what we have rebuilt over the last 6 months. At this point, my children (9 & 4) have no knowledge of what happened, nor will they ever if I have my way. Why would I risk all of that for someone else - isn't that what a WS does? They throw away the security and safety of their family for something that will make them feel good about themselves, if even for just a moment? Not quite the same, but there is a similarity. 

I already accepted what happened. I have already forgiven. My feelings had nothing to do about my marriage, but about my moral compass. How can you go wrong when you do right by your family?


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

So your husband decided to have an affair with someone who is capable of harming your family? 

If the OW threatened my family and showed up....I would shoot her in the head (anyone for that matter) but that is just me. 

If you are talking about the type of harm that is not physical, I would get a retraining order and sue her arse off.

On the more general question of whether betrayed spouses should expose I would simply ask myself if I would want to know. The answer to that question would provide me with my course of action.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Falene,

If we are to believe the original poster, a person with nothing to lose has nothing to fear. Certainly not a piddling little law suit.

And a restraining order on a piece of paper makes a very poor shield. Don't you remember that Dixie Chicks song?

Can't make her do it and her characterization of the BF sounds a bit self serving ('It's okay if I don't tell since he's an a-hole') but it's not my call.

I would inform your attorney about this person and their past as well as the authorities so even if the BF DOES dump her butt, she doesn't misplacedly blame you.

Granted, I'd do that after I revealed the truth to BF because this woman sounds like a real predator. How many other 'committed' relationships are going to go on the pyre because good people do nothing?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

*


Falene said:



So your husband decided to have an affair with someone who is capable of harming your family?

Click to expand...

*


Falene said:


> He did - he chose to have an affair...we all know that an AP is perfect, right ;-)
> 
> *If the OW threatened my family and showed up....I would shoot her in the head (anyone for that matter) but that is just me. *
> 
> ...




I would want to know, but who is more important to me? - MY FAMILY, hands down. If my husband only realized that before he did something stupid and harmful, I would not be here typing to you fine folks


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

JCD said:


> Falene,
> 
> *If we are to believe the original poster, a person with nothing to lose has nothing to fear. Certainly not a piddling little law suit.* - that is true
> 
> ...


 - she is a predator. I can't stop a bad person from being bad no more than you can. She is no longer my concern. My family is.


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