# personal attacks and unwillingness to accept fault (bit long)



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Hi guys. I'm sad to be posting in this section, but I am doing so as my marriage is in deep trouble. We have been married only 9 months, and my husband and I are long distance (different countries, as it's been 6 months since we last saw each other as he is in India and I'm in the US). We were planning to be living together by January, but it may not happen as it seems our marriage may not survive until then.

Before marriage, my husband was incredibly sweet and loving to me. He asked me so many times to marry him before I accepted. He told me then that he would be the best husband ever. But after marriage, he has not been the same. He takes me forgranted, and puts his relationship with his parents (esp his mom) ahead of me. He also puts his work ahead of me. Being that we are 12 time zones apart, we have to work to make a time to talk to each other every day. We used to talk twice daily (morning and evening), but lately he would schedule work commitments during the time we would talk as making money for taking care of his mom became a priority. (And it was only this week that he finally gave me a time, which isn't all that convenient for me as it cuts into my sleep time, only after I had to nag him many times to give me a set time). He still lives with his parents and brother (as is common in Indian culture) and all the money he makes goes to his family there. I am a full-time medical student, and sometimes I feel sad that he doesn't feel any responsibility to help out his wife... but he doesn't see things from my view. Whenever we argue, he always twists the blame back on me, and never thinks that he could possibly be wrong. Although we get along well most of the time and enjoy each other's company, when we do argue it is extremely draining... if I tell him he's doing something that bothers me, he will become very defensive and go into attack mode rather than kindly hearing me out. 

Getting to the immediate issue... we have not spoken in 3 days, after our last fight. It was really bad. I was telling him how frustrated I was that he doesn't follow through on his promises, as I don't like empty words. I was telling him that if he put as much effort into his marriage as he does his career, we'd be in a totally different place. I was very frustrated, but did not make any personal attacks. His response to me was that I always complain, and that he so tired of hearing it as he rarely complains about any issues to me, and that I must have some kind of 'psychological problem'. At that point, he had to go as his students were waiting for him... so I said 'bye' and he hung up without saying anything. That conversation was 3 days ago. I don't know if he's attempted to call me at home at all (as I've been visiting family the last 3 days), but he's not called my cell phone nor apologized via email. The only thing I got from him was a brief email 1.5 day ago mentioning some article he had read (that I had been requesting him to read for over a month prior). I suppose that email was supposed to be some sort of feeble attempt to communicate and pretend like nothing happened... but I can't do that after his uncalled for comment about me having 'psychological problems' which was a personal attack having nothing to do with the topic I was discussing with him. 

I miss my husband, as I just want to hug him and be close to him. But I'm sick and tired of his narcissism and unwillingness to ever see things from my side and accept fault. This is the 3rd time he's made personal attacks on me during a heated discussion (which I consider a form of abuse). I've addressed the issue with him both times before, but he still makes personal attacks when he gets angry. He does not make any effort in our marriage, as he doesn't think marriage is something that needs to be worked on. I sometimes send him articles to read about communication etc, but he doesn't bother to read them. He thinks counseling is a waste of money (although he has spoken a few times to my counselor on the phone after I had to repeatedly request him to talk to her). He does not care about my sexual enjoyment, but is focused solely on getting his own pleasure met. These are just a few examples of the dynamic that often occurs between us. Usually things are good, but when they are bad... things get highly unpleasant. 

It was only 1 week ago that I was crying on the phone, telling him that we were on the path to divorce, and I was begging him to please WAKE UP and take some action quickly to turn things around before it's too late. I am starting to feel bit by bit more emotionally detached from him... and I know that it's a matter of time before I give up. While I was in tears, he was just sitting there like a stone. (Although after I was on the phone sobbing about how I didn't want to be with anyone else again, he did soften up and he did tell me he loved me, and was gentle with me for about 2 days... but after that it was the same hardness when I voiced any issue with him.) It's hard to believe that he is the same guy who before marriage used to be very sad if he ever hurt me and couldn't bear to see me cry. 

I don't want to continue the silent treatment as it seems immature. But he was the one who made personal attacks last time we talked, and I feel he should come forth with an apology. It's already been 3 days. I cannot live with these kinds of personal attacks and his unwillingness to introspect or realize his mistakes. I was reading online this weekend that narcissistic people rarely change. I'm starting to lose hope and am wondering if divorce is the only way out. I feel that he cannot truly love me if he is unwilling to work on himself to save the marriage.

Any (constructive) feedback or guidance on the situation would be most appreciated.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Your biggest problem is the physical separation between you & your DH. Start living together and most of your problems will evaporate. This is precisely the reason long distance relationships fail. You have to trust me on this one.

Since your DH is with his "other" family, it is difficult for him not to make them his priority. This is whats stressing you out. When you guys start living together, he will start making you his priority. If you are currently living alone, the loneliness alone will stress you out and when you look to him for comfort you won't get it just because he doesn't relate to your loneliness. He has too many people around him and you are just a person at the other end of the phone for him. I'll bet he is always in a rush to get off the phone to get back to work/business.

I've been in your situation. My wife went to live with her folks after my kid was born. It completely stressed out our marriage. I always felt i wasn't a priority to her anymore. But the minute we got together all our issues disappeared  

My advice, ride out these remaining months the best you can or pre-pone your reunion


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I posted then I thought more about your situation and what I know so I deleted my previous post.

You've had second thoughts for a while now. 
I'm a big believer in trusting one's intuition. 
If you really feel this isn't going to work out, get out now. Get out before he moves to the US. Get out before he moves and you get pregnant. 

Not to scare you, but my best friend married someone from overseas. She was head over heels for him. However, it turned out all he wanted from her was a meal ticket to the US. They're now divorced. He's now a US Citizen thanks to the marriage. He's already brought over one relative to stay here permanently. I don't know if it's too late to stop the green card process for your H, but consider the possibility that he may have monetary motivations. You've said before there's a disparity in his family background and yours. We don't need to get into all the details, but there are enough red flags to make me (if I were in your shoes) not go through with his move to the US. 

Trust your instincts. If you have doubts about him, and I think you've had doubts about even getting engaged to him, then don't go through with this.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks to both of you for the response.

Bluelaser, I agree with you that the distance is killing our marriage. The last time I saw him in February, we had an amazing time together, and it was so hard to part (as it was emotional for both of us). We were actually bickering long distance before we met up in February, but once we got together all the arguments smoothed out (though the issues didn't resolve), but at least we had fun being together again. We tend to fight more when we are apart, so it's highly possible that we'd make amends if we were back together. He cannot come here before January (as he has commitments there until the end of December). 


Coffee, I read the response you wrote earlier, and I was planning to respond after I got back home from work (which I am now). To respond to your earlier comment about me 'rewriting' the picture regarding physical intimacy, the reason my tune has changed a bit was due to a conversation that he and I had this week. He made an off-comment which made me realize that although his behavior had changed, his attitude towards trying to please me really hadn't changed as much as I had hoped.

As for your current post, I relate to what you've written about trusting intuition, but right now I'm truly stuck. I don't know what to think. If I drop the relationship too early, I worry that I could lose out on something that had potential, and I don't want to look back with regret and think I didn't do all that I could to save my marriage. I will remember that sweet guy who used to look at me adoringly and buy me flowers, and I'd wonder if I couldn't have given him just a bit more support and encouragement as his wife. On the other hand, if I wait too long and he never changes, then I will waste years of my life and not be able to meet anyone else who could give me what I need in a relationship. I also hope that my husband has no intention to take advantage of me in any way, though I have no way of knowing for certain as the trust has gotten a bit damaged. (He is actually dragging his feet about coming here, as he has been super slow to do any of the visa paperwork and I have to keep bugging him to get things done).

It's been 4 days now without communication. I feel pretty sad. But whenever I feel like calling him I just remember him telling me that I have a 'psychological problem' and the desire to call just gets squashed.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

rks1 said:


> The last time I saw him in February, we had an amazing time together, and it was so hard to part (as it was emotional for both of us).
> 
> I will remember that sweet guy who used to look at me adoringly and buy me flowers


If this is how you really feel then i can assure you once you get together you guys will be OK. I can say this because i've experienced similar emotions. Right now when you call him you are looking for emotional support, reassurance that he misses you and that he loves you. I'll bet you aren't getting any. So you get this flood of negative thoughts in your head about how bad he is and so on. These thoughts will do nothing but torpedo your marriage. 

I've found the best way to deal with this is not expecting any emotional support when the spouse is away. Just go about your daily routine, read a book, take up some hobby. Don't try to resolve pending issues over the phone, it just makes it worse.

(I wish someone had told me this when i went through this, it would have made my life a lot easier)

I skimmed through your old posts and something caught my eye. Looks like you guys have other issues, briefly mentioned here. One thing is you shouldn't insert yourself in the picture when he is trying to come to terms with his mom's mortality. It comes across as 'pay attention to me & not your dying mom' which doesn't look good. I can see him resenting you for this later if she were to pass away.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

rks1 said:


> He asked me so many times to marry him before I accepted.


Did you have doubts about marrying him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> His response to me was that I always complain, and that he so tired of hearing it as he rarely complains about any issues to me, and that I must have some kind of 'psychological problem'.


Would he be completely wrong?

Based on your previous posts, I feel that you're too doubtful about this marriage and constantly wondering if you could've done 'better' than him.

Perhaps the closer you get to the date of his arrival, the more bluntly you express your concerns with the subconscious hope of somehow breaking the camel's back and ending this marriage.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your comments. My husband and I have been talking for the last 2.5 days, as I finally got tired of the silence and just called him. He was actually in an internet cafe writing an email to me at the time I called.

There was a lot of anger and sadness the first day, though things have settled down. Even though he was playing indifferent to me, I could tell he missed me as he's been asking me to call twice daily since then and has been giving me a set time to call him (and has cancelled certain appointments to give me time to talk to him.) My husband claims that he did not mean I have a 'psychological problem' in the context I interpreted. I interpreted 'psychological problem' to mean that he thought there was something wrong with my mind. Thus I thought he was being abusive in a way. But according to him, he told me that I should not have taken it that way at all, as he simply meant that I should take my 'psychological problems' towards him to my counselor to discuss (aka relationship problems). Although he is fluent in English, it is not his first language (more like his 3rd), so I suppose I will give him the benefit of doubt on this one.

Although my husband was pretty defensive and resistant to taking much personal responsibility for our marital problems (he still sees himself as largely the victim), he was willing to accept that he should avoid using personal attacks during arguments (when I brought up past examples of where he would make a personal attack that was irrelevant to the topic being discussed). For example, one time we were arguing over a family issue, and to discredit me, he commented about how I keep such a messy house, etc. I told him that was incredibly offensive, and he agreed that he was wrong and will avoid that in future. This was one of the first times in our relationship that he ever admitted to being wrong about something...

My husband is a good guy, but it seems he really struggles to accept personal responsibility as it's so much easier for him to pass the blame, which drives me nuts. He is definitely a bit narcissistic. I don't know if it's as extreme as having narcissistic personality disorder (he resembles many people with NPD, but I have seen MANY cases where he does have empathy for others). So it's not so much that he has inability to have compassion, as much as it is that his ego flares up and he can't see beyond it. He's the kind of guy where he is totally sweet and loving if I am loving to him. But if I question him or sound a bit stern, then he will freak out and get into defensive/blame mode without considering what I'm saying or if he is really wrong or not. I just wish he was more introspective where his response was more purposeful and based on the needs of the situation, rather than his behavior being such a reaction to mine.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

bluelaser said:


> Did you have doubts about marrying him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, last year I had many doubts. Most of it was due to the fact that we weren't together all that long before getting engaged. He was clingy and totally had a fantasy idea of me, without really knowing me all that well.

If I had to do the situation over again, I probably would have waited a lot longer to get married. But I don't have regrets as he gave me a lot of what I needed in certain ways. I had put on a lot of weight in the last 5 years or so, and that of course killed my dating life. Furthermore, I had spent many years before that dating men (often for extended periods of time, like 1-1.5 year without any commitment as they were ambivalent about me, yet kept stringing me along). However, since my husband met me, he always thought I was beautiful. He is slim and handsome and had many girls interested in him (I've witnessed it), yet he still put me first. He always made me feel desirable. He wants me to lose the weight as he is concerned about potential health issues in the future (as we are both still young), but he makes me feel supported and not alone in my struggle. He also has a romantic side, which is really nice. And he gets along very well with my family... as I can tell he genuinely cares about them. So these are many of the things I appreciate about him. On the negative side, he can be narcissistic and think too much of his own good looks and feel victimized anytime I try to discuss an issue with him. He is also not proactive, as I have to nag him a million times to make him do anything (which I hate, as I dislike nagging him and wish he would be different). It makes me think of him as selfish and lazy with me (despite him being totally selfless in taking care of his sick mother). I find him exasperating, and much of my energy goes into dealing with my frustrations about our inability to communicate effectively. But he is still my honey. We've been married for 9 months now, and I get a kick out of the fact that he gets really excited to talk to me, and loves to have discussions with me about health, economics, politics etc and that he doesn't want to get off the phone when we have these talks (although lately we've hardly had time for such discussions due to our schedules). I wish he could also be as interested in talking about relationship issues, but I'm hoping that with some counseling we can get to a better place over this.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Based on your previous posts, I feel that you're too doubtful about this marriage and constantly wondering if you could've done 'better' than him.
> 
> Perhaps the closer you get to the date of his arrival, the more bluntly you express your concerns with the subconscious hope of somehow breaking the camel's back and ending this marriage.


Yes, many times I had doubts due to the whirlwind nature of our relationship and the fact that we got married without knowing each other all that well... and also the huge cultural divide of us growing up in different countries. Earlier I was concerned about us not being intellectually compatible. But now I'm not sure how to define it. We are perfectly capable of having enjoyable talks about economics and politics, thus we can have some good discussions. But he struggles with internal reflections. Getting him to admit any wrong is like pulling teeth, as he gets so defensive. The majority of the time he is a total sweetie pie (who I crave affection with). But when the issue of conflict arises, he shuts down and avoids which drives me batty (and I feel I cannot stand another day of this). I find it aggravating sometimes to get through to him. For instance, the other day I was discussing relationship frustrations, and he emailed me saying that "everyone thinks I am a nice person, but you make me think that I am a very bad person." I tried to explain to him "Honey this has nothing to do with being a good or bad person. I think you are a very decent person. But being a good person does not automatically mean being a good husband. I am simply feeling frustrated and trying to discuss some of the things in our relationship that I want to change." Having to explain all this drives me nuts.

I don't think I want to break up with him, at least not consciously. I love his good qualities as they are rare and very hard to find. But I wish he could be more attractive to me... by being more willing to introspect and think deeply about things (rather than having the world be so black and white). I also wish he was more unassuming and humble to admit his mistakes. I know it's pretty futile to try to change someone. I just hope moving to the US will be some sort of catalyst to mature him a bit. He's only 27 and I hope 10 years from now when we have young kids to raise together, he will be a much more matured person.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

rks1- I read all your posts. I didn't want you to think I hadn't. If you are going ahead with his move, I hold out hope that by living in the location and seeing how men and women communicate in the west, he might change his ways. His attitudes aren't due to a personality disorder, but to ingrained cultural attitudes. It's going to take time to change his communication patterns. To be honest, I don't think I was all that self-reflective at age 27. I was still quite egocentric and career focused. 

Read the *Lovebusters *book by Dr. Harley. I think both you should read it, and if he won't, at least you should read it. And you should read Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I found that book very helpful.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

if you believe him to be truly narcissistic, your marriage is doomed, leave it and don't look back, he will never care about you or your feelings, they are not capable.


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## Mentor (Sep 19, 2012)

:iagree:
Your husband describes mine to a T. We have been married for 15 years and dated for 4years before that.
He cheated on me for 18 months with some woman before I found out 2 months ago.
He was someone who is very supportive of anyone I am connected to, a great in law and father. He swears his love to me all the time. But he is low in fulfilling his promises and becomes difficult when he s being asked to make changes in his attitude in order to fix our relationship.
His reaction is pretty much like your husband. I don't support divorce but please look for help now that you are both young and perhaps there is hope. Mine is long gone. We are in our mid forties and fixed in our ways.
Such men love their self importance so much. Mine will out of the blues tell me that people give him so much respect because of his status unlike me. That I fail to see him for what he is.
He is loving and sweet as long as I please him, sexually or behaviour wise. 
Mine too loved his mother extremely, won't hesitate to fight me for her.


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## Mentor (Sep 19, 2012)

Mentor said:


> :iagree:
> Your husband describes mine to a T. We have been married for 15 years and dated for 4years before that.
> He cheated on me for 18 months with some woman before I found out 2 months ago.
> He was someone who is very supportive of anyone I am connected to, a great in law and father. He swears his love to me all the time. But he is low in fulfilling his promises and becomes difficult when he s being asked to make changes in his attitude in order to fix our relationship.
> ...


I am not sure you will be happy with this man unless a miracle happens. He is too controlling. It makes you wonder if you imagined all those sweetness he showed when dating. He is controlling and manipulative and he comes first. 
I am convinced that I should never have married him but as a Christian divorce is out and I have kids to raise.


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