# Trigger-what do you when you hear the other name while together?



## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

*Trigger-what do you do when you hear the other name while together?*

Hello, I have been reading the Tam forums on and off for a little over a year. My husband had a indiscretion many years ago and since then I've mostly healed and moved on. However, I still have what you all like to call "triggers", and the one that bothers me still the most is hearing the name of the other person even after all these years. Even if we're out and about and we meet a lady, and she says "Hi, my name is _______. I get this heat that rises inside of me. It's worst when we're together and we hear it together. It also happens when we're watching some show, which happens a lot because it's a very popular name which sucks for me and for us. I could tell my husband shudders when he hears the name too. It's just very difficult for me to pretend that our marriage didn't dangerously come close to ending because of the person connected to that name. btw it took us YEARS to heal! I was in complete anguish for at least the first 4 years.


I would just like to know what is your reaction, or how do you both behave/handle it when you're together in the same room and you hear "that name"? I mean the second you hear that name.

I would love to get past this once and for all. Can't tell you how many movies we used to love and can't even watch anymore because they have "that name" in it. Please help us!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I used to trigger. But then I started to smile. 

However, I had a revenge affair that almost when physical, but didn't. Whenever I see or hear the name of the OW I feel guilt for what I put my wife through and also for what I did to the OW.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

I try to block it out. OW is a popular name there is even a song By Boston and when ever I hear it I turn the radio off.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

lovemylife26 said:


> I try to block it out. OW is a popular name there is even a song By Boston and when ever I hear it I turn the radio off.


This....block it out or leant to deal with it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I still have trouble with this. I get anxiety so badly I start to studder at times. It's an issue I need to deal with.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

That's why I'm here, because if it were that easy I would've done it years ago. It's not easy to "just block it out". I think the idea to laugh about it is about the best I can do..but it's not funny.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lovemylife26 said:


> I try to block it out. OW is a popular name there is even a song By Boston and when ever I hear it I turn the radio off.


What? Her parents named her Smokin'? No wonder she turned out bad!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

In the first couple of months, it was really tough. Our daughter had a classmate last year, who is also her classmate this year (what are the odds, right?)... and this girl shares the same name as the OW from my husband's EA. In those first couple of months, I cringed when our daughter said "mom? How do you spell ________?" My husband was sitting there and he saw the hurt when I froze. I recovered pretty quickly. I mean, how do you tell a kindergartener to not mention a classmate's name? It isn't so bad now, which is good. I mean, it's a common name...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Eventually, you will start to feel better. I have and I never thought I would. You have to like yourself again. You will. It takes time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> In the first couple of months, it was really tough. Our daughter had a classmate last year, who is also her classmate this year (what are the odds, right?)... and this girl shares the same name as the OW from my husband's EA. In those first couple of months, I cringed when our daughter said "mom? How do you spell ________?" My husband was sitting there and he saw the hurt when I froze. I recovered pretty quickly. I mean, how do you tell a kindergartener to not mention a classmate's name? It isn't so bad now, which is good. I mean, it's a common name...


Yep. Hurts, doesn't it? I sometimes hide behind a joke but... yes it does hurt.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> In the first couple of months, it was really tough. Our daughter had a classmate last year, who is also her classmate this year (what are the odds, right?)... and this girl shares the same name as the OW from my husband's EA. In those first couple of months, I cringed when our daughter said "mom? How do you spell ________?" My husband was sitting there and he saw the hurt when I froze. I recovered pretty quickly. I mean, how do you tell a kindergartener to not mention a classmate's name? It isn't so bad now, which is good. I mean, it's a common name...


I have been so fearful of this. We don't have children together, and we are getting older, and one of my fears if I decide to have a child before packing it up is having our child teacher with the same name and having to actually repeat it. I solved our childs friend having the same name because i would just call them "sweetie". Can't call a teacher sweetie, and sure as heck don't want my husband calling her that either.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

triggerhappy said:


> I have been so fearful of this. We don't have children together, and we are getting older, and one of my fears if I decide to have a child before packing it up is having our child teacher with the same name and having to actually repeat it. I solved our childs friend having the same name because i would just call them "sweetie". Can't call a teacher sweetie, and sure as heck don't want my husband calling her that either.


Easily remedied: Mrs. XYZ, or Ms./Miss XYZ. No need to address her by her given name.


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## foreverhealing (Oct 14, 2012)

It's been 7 years for me and the name still stands out in movie or tv credits, no matter how fast they roll. It's one of those long lasting effects of betrayal, but i will say the pain is lessening, i used to have to react or retreat to my room, now i just think, "yep, there it is again." I don't laugh yet but there is no pain, only numbness. Just bad name to me, and always, ALWAYS will be. No doubt. I would hate for my son to bring home a girlfriend with that name, i don't know how i could handle that.
My husband would most likely catch heck all over again, or i'd end up sabotaging my marriage into divorce. I don't think i could handle it.
Guess i'm not there yet.....
and...
triggerhappy,
call teacher Mrs. or Mr. no matter...ignore that name forever....


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## HeaterKeda (Oct 15, 2012)

I recovered pretty quickly.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

OWs name is pretty common. It's unavoidable really. We are 7 months into R and too be honest it's not something that makes me trigger. Ok it makes me think about her but it doesn't really bother me.
OW had long scraggy ginger hair. There seems to be an abundance of ginger people about lately!! Lol!
It makes me trigger a bit but I try not to let it bother me, but I did refuse to go and see 'Brave' when it was in the cinema! A ginger hero!! Sorry no way!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Wife's OM's name is way too common. Same name as the guy next to me at work even. It's just a name.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

*Re: Trigger-what do you do when you hear the other name while together?*

Normal....for most. My situation sucks because we share the exact same name. That was until I changed her name to the Twat Tickler. Her last name (maiden) sends me over the edge though.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

*Re: Trigger-what do you do when you hear the other name while together?*



triggerhappy said:


> Hello, I have been reading the Tam forums on and off for a little over a year. My husband had a indiscretion many years ago and since then I've mostly healed and moved on. However, I still have what you all like to call "triggers", and the one that bothers me still the most is hearing the name of the other person even after all these years. Even if we're out and about and we meet a lady, and she says "Hi, my name is _______. I get this heat that rises inside of me. It's worst when we're together and we hear it together. It also happens when we're watching some show, which happens a lot because it's a very popular name which sucks for me and for us. I could tell my husband shudders when he hears the name too. It's just very difficult for me to pretend that our marriage didn't dangerously come close to ending because of the person connected to that name. btw it took us YEARS to heal! I was in complete anguish for at least the first 4 years.
> 
> 
> I would just like to know what is your reaction, or how do you both behave/handle it when you're together in the same room and you hear "that name"? I mean the second you hear that name.
> ...


Your reaction is very normal. 

Most betrayed spouses have either situational Ptsd of the long term PTSD.

With the long term PTSD, your incidents of triggering will decrease over time, but when you are triggered the INTENSITY of the anger will remain at the same level for the duration, according to the literature regarding PTSD triggers. 

That's the legacy we hurt spouses are left with after a spouse's affair. 

It's the gift that just keeps on giving.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

*Re: Trigger-what do you do when you hear the other name while together?*

The problem I have is that he has the same name as mine.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> What? Her parents named her Smokin'? No wonder she turned out bad!


LOL!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I know this isnt funny but Im gonna throw in some humor... So my H's AP's name is VERY VERY common. Im not kidding. I know 6-7 people with the name, my best friends daughters, last year(during A)my daughter teacher, speech teacher and girl scout leader .... ALL of them had this damned name! Finally I looked at him and said "next time you cheat on me make her name Laquisha for fvch's sake!"


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