# Guys, it is possible for sex to not be at the top of a man's list of needs?



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Just curious. I've been reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and it lists the top 5 Man needs and the top 5 Woman needs. They are supposed to be the most common, but not all men will have those 5 and vice versa. 

For men, they are in this order:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational Companionship
3. An Attractive Spouse
4. Domestic Support
5. Admiration

For women, they are in this order:
1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and Openness
4. Financial Support
5. Family Commitment


Of course the order of the needs might change based on circumstance or individual preference. And women can have man needs and so on. I completely agree with the top 3 woman needs, not so much on #4, and definitely with #5. 

My H though, disagrees with the man needs. Reading it, it sounded like outdated crap to me, too, but then again, I'm not a man. So I have no idea. For most men, sex is probably at the top of the list. It's actually pretty high on my list. But my husband says it isn't at the top of his list. He also said recreational companionship wasn't important (shared interests). I disagree, because his EA was with a girl who rode motorcycles like him, which is what they did together. And he used to love it when I went fishing with him. Anyhow, I would guess that his top need is Admiration. 

So, is it possible for sex to NOT be important to a man? I'll preface this by saying our sex life is fine. His drive isn't as high as it used to be, but we are both satisfied. We went through stages in our marriage, where it was maybe once a month, but things have turned around. And in those sexless times, he'd comment to neighbors about how having a kid means no sex. He does "release" in the shower sometimes, but he doesn't need it that often I guess. This goes back to when we first moved in together, too, so it isn't that time has changed things. I would want it every day (I was 20 and he was 22) and he was like, "Damn woman, I love to do it, but you are out of control. I'm tired." I took it personal at first, but just learned to live with less. I've never turned him down, even when we were busy with kids. Then, after kids, he'd comment about my prior high sex drive and how he wishes he had never said anything how he'd love to have that drive back. Now my drive is coming back. I want it every day. LOL. But I don't know how to let him know. We are dealing with other issues in our marriage right now, so it's difficult, but I guess I wish he had a higher need for sex since I have such a high need for affection. And that he'd get the connection! 

When it comes to sex and affection, you can't have one without the other!


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I actually asked my husband about this a while back and he said Sex was not the #1 need on his list. Much to my surprise. 

ETA: I found his list....it's weird cuz it's like a count down I guess. I asked for top 10 needs/wants.

10- Want: fun sex... he he
9- Want: Blow jobs, and wild sex with toys
8- Want: My wife to bring me an occasional beer now and again, maybe a sandwich too.
7- Need: her to be mindful that I'm a guy and i make stupid mistakes and need to be told things, not hints dropped.
6- Expect: her to respect herself enough to take care of herself so she always looks good for me (you do)
5- Need: Sex... need I say more. quickies, longies, passionate lovemaking.
4- Need: her to tell me she loves me and thinks I'm great!
3- Need: her to communicate problems before the really become an issue.
2- Expect: her to be there for our kids
1- Need: to be loved for who I am, flaws and all, without reservation.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I would be highly suspicious of any man that DIDN'T have 'sexual fulfillment' in the top 3.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

To quote Coops....

All men that say "sex isn't important" should have a supermodel in sexy lingerie dropped in front of them - and willing to have sex.

Then see how important sexual fulfillment becomes.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Conrad said:


> To quote Coops....
> 
> All men that say "sex isn't important" should have a supermodel in sexy lingerie dropped in front of them - and willing to have sex.
> 
> Then see how important sexual fulfillment becomes.


Pppsht...I am 5'10 and a very fit size 6 with hair down to the middle of my back. I am the sexy lingerie model for him


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Conrad said:


> To quote Coops....
> 
> All men that say "sex isn't important" should have a supermodel in sexy lingerie dropped in front of them - and willing to have sex.
> 
> Then see how important sexual fulfillment becomes.


Yikes! Well my husband says it isn't top of his list so maybe it's not top of his list with ME?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's like the difference between climate and weather.

It's at the top of the list. However, on a particular day it may not be.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

Sex is NOT at the top of the list.

I can tell you however, rejection and a lack of interest has had one of the most devastating impacts on my happiness and well being.

I want her to WANT to have sex with me.

I think the problem is very biological.

Men and woman are not made to have the monogamous relationships we have. 
With a divorce rate of 50%, and a LARGE remainder that are unhappy, or staying for financial reasons or kids.....
What does that leave.....10 to 20% truly content and happy marriages?

I think if it were natural and normal to us, the numbers would be much higher.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Yikes! Well my husband says it isn't top of his list so maybe it's not top of his list with ME?


That's a possibility - and can be a difficult truth in some cases.

Yet, you know what he likes - having been with him for awhile. Perhaps emphasizing those things can change the calculus a bit.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Conrad said:


> That's a possibility - and can be a difficult truth in some cases.
> 
> Yet, you know what he likes - having been with him for awhile. Perhaps emphasizing those things can change the calculus a bit.


True. Can I ask you though, since we have been together for 17 years is that why sex isn't on the top of his list? As in, it would be with somebody new? 
I would appreciate some insight.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

1) truth/honesty: with unfaithfulness and lies I could not admire or adore anyone no matter how attractive...

2) conversation: I need to know where your head at, where we stand, as much about you, certain personalities can be a turn off...

3) sexual compatibility: now the fun part, when we are honest with each other in our conversations we can see if we mesh well, face it we all have some sort of kinks, it's best we know what we are on board for...

4) sense of humor: you have to be able to laugh, even when things seem dark, there is not always going to be light...

5) foodie: must love food.

Wow so uhh sex is my number three, so it's not far fetched that it can't be a number one... Ok may 10 or 15 years ago, but now nope, it's number three...


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

WadeWilson said:


> 1) truth/honesty: with unfaithfulness and lies I could not admire or adore anyone no matter how attractive...
> 
> 2) conversation: I need to know where your head at, where we stand, as much about you, certain personalities can be a turn off...
> 
> ...


I'm not saying sex isn't important. He just said it's not number 1. Thanks, Wade, maybe it's just a sign that he's maturing. LOL. Or, could that vasectomy have done something?!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Brennan said:


> True. Can I ask you though, since we have been together for 17 years is that why sex isn't on the top of his list? As in, it would be with somebody new?
> I would appreciate some insight.


The short answer is that it would be a bit more "exciting" with someone new.

So, if some excitement were blended back in - perhaps some different clothing, perhaps some "Zumba" (this is what my wife is currently addicted to), perhaps some introspection on what's seduced him in the past.

Emphasize those things and gradual improvement may be in the offing.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

WadeWilson said:


> 1) truth/honesty: with unfaithfulness and lies I could not admire or adore anyone no matter how attractive...
> 
> 2) conversation: I need to know where your head at, where we stand, as much about you, certain personalities can be a turn off...
> 
> ...


Wade,
I think this is an awesome list. I would venture this is how hubby would answer as well. And foodie? Swoon.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Conrad said:


> The short answer is that it would be a bit more "exciting" with someone new.
> 
> So, if some excitement were blended back in - perhaps some different clothing, perhaps some "Zumba" (this is what my wife is currently addicted to), perhaps some introspection on what's seduced him in the past.
> 
> Emphasize those things and gradual improvement may be in the offing.


Thank you for your insight, Conrad. I think with me getting older I tend to worry about too much stuff. Wade's list was perfect and it makes sense now. So what if sex isn't number one with me. I guess that means he likes other parts of me too.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

LNL,
Yes I think that it's just maturity, when I was 19 my priorities was...
1) sex
2) pizza
3) video games
4) sex
5) sleep

Fortunately for me my wife was about the same way... We both evolved her more than I, and yes Brennan I wish Paula Deen was my mother, I love food network...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

WadeWilson said:


> LNL,
> Yes I think that it's just maturity, when I was 19 my priorities was...
> 1) sex
> 2) pizza
> ...


Everything IS better with butter. Now, sex and butter?  :lol:


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I think they are all important to my husband. I can't say which is more important than the other. 

Me willing to let him have sex at any time he wants, me willing to let him try new things always makes him feel he is a lucky man. 

Good interesting conversation helps us kill a lot of time together, lunch time, coffee time, bed time, me having an interesting mind amazes him. But when we talk, we never become defensive or offensive, we just talk and try to respect each other's view, very often we agree with each other, when we don't agree, we learn from each other.

Me staying attractive is important for him, he makes sure I eat healthy and don't become out of shape, he suggests what I wear can make me look sexy, we pick out my clothes together. And he asks me to keep on having facial treatment, he likes that I have nice skin and look young. He also remind me to wear masks. 

Men like to feel that they can protect and provide, they like to feel he is the most important person in her life, showing respect to him is important. 

Good food is important to him too, he doesn't need fancy gourmet food, but home cooked meals make him feel he has a good life. 

He also likes a clean and neat apartment, a sweet home tells him he has a good wife and life. 

For some of his interests, I do my best to listen since I am not into it, I do tell him often that I prefer his coffee to coffee shop's, and it is true. I am glad that he doesn't have any outdoor interests, only one is traveling, since it is related to money and time, we have to be reasonable, it is a big sacrifice on his part, I do go out with him to mountains and other places. 

But the list only has what a man likes, how about a list a man doesn't like! 

It is important for us wives to meet our husbands' needs, they are all important. 

And it is also important for us wives not do things they don't like!


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

When I met my husband he told me about his 3 must-haves in a relationship. I am pretty sure that if I asked him today about his top 3 or top 10 list, those original 3 probably wouldn't be mentioned, even in passing.

Point is, when a person's certain needs are met, that person will not focus on them much. That person will focus on those wants/needs that are not currently being met.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I think sex is very important. It's difficult to describe. I didn't get married for sex, but I didn't get married to not have sex either; it was just something that I thought would naturally occur. I think sex is what makes the difference in a marriage. If companionship was all i wanted, I would have moved in with my brother. 

There was a point when my x tried to make me feel like a weirdo for wanting sex on a regular basis because she had a low drive. I felt that way for a while, but I'm over it. I no longer feel like a weirdo for thinking sex should be a main part of a marriage.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Woooh, made me think, what is important for me. Here is my list:

Character: needs to be someone I can actually feel a connection with, have fun with, is fun to be with, share with, laugh and cry with, be my true self with. 

Sexual: well, be just as messed up as I am in this department, or willing to at least try stuff. 

Leadership: somewhat of a passive guy, so need someone who brings fire into my life, wants to do stuff. 

Has stuff to talk about: grew up with 4 women in a household. I like to chat and debate. 

Oh man. Am I this clueless? Can't think of anything else that is really really important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

bluesky said:


> Men and woman are not made to have the monogamous relationships we have.
> With a divorce rate of 50%, and a LARGE remainder that are unhappy, or staying for financial reasons or kids.....
> What does that leave.....10 to 20% truly content and happy marriages?
> 
> I think if it were natural and normal to us, the numbers would be much higher.


I don't think that it's so much not natural and normal....I think the reason there are so many marriage breakdowns is because we have created a very "me-me" society....with so much "me" in relationships there is no room for "us" anymore.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

surfergirl said:


> I think the reason there are so many marriage breakdowns is because we have created a very "me-me" society....with so much "me" in relationships there is no room for "us" anymore.


:iagree:


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