# He said "I love you" in a message to her



## itsmeokay (Sep 25, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 8 total years. Because of some things that happened a few years back, I became somewhat of the occasional snooper. Well fast forward to 6 months ago. I came across a facebook conversation between he and a woman he had deep feelings for during his college years (they never dated). In the message he was basically pouring his heart out to her asking why she never game him a chance. He also said (can't remember the exact words) that if she would've given him a chance before he got married, he would've basically moved on with her. And lastly, he said something along the lines of his heart is with her. She replied back, but moreso in being flattered but clearly not interested. 

Now, a week ago, I was checking out his phone and discovered a "private" photo app. It was of course password-protected. I ended up figuring out the code and came across 3-4 albums. Most of the albums were random girls/scantily-clad models. But then one album REALLY caught my eye. It was simply titled: "Her". In the album were like 20 pictures of this same woman from his past. 

When the facebook incident happened, I was so devastated. I confronted him and asked him what his problem is. He said that he didn't mean any of that; he said that he said those things to that level just to try to get a reaction out of here. What?

I felt so shattered that he felt that way. He explained it as someone from his past that he had feelings for, but she never returned them, and so he was bored one day and sent that message to see if he could a reaction. I was numb for about a week, then I told him that we can move on and I forgive it. But after the whole private album full of her pictures, I just don't know if I can accept that. I don't know if I want to be with a man who doesn't really love me as much as some other woman, and who pretty much said to her that, before marriage, he would've left me to be with her.

Last bit of detail: she lives on the West coast, we live on the East. 

He hasn't done anything....no physical affair, but obviously he wishes he were with her, and carries this burning torch for her. Has anyone experienced this? Did you stick around? Is this big enough for me to be justified in ending the marriage? Or is it a harmless infatuation that means nothing, and that I shouldn't have been privy to had I minded my own business (not snooped)?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Oh he has done "something" she is just not interested but his intentions where there, boredom does not make you reach out to others and say I love you. You deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Wow... 

What if she had come back in the positive... do you really think he wouldn't have taken the next step? Very few men would spill their guts like that without hoping for something in return.

As far as his defense... to see if she 'reacted'.... I'm so glad you see that as bull manure too!

Has he 'misbehaved' before? You mention 'things' that happened in the past.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Wow...
> 
> What if she had come back in the positive... do you really think he wouldn't have taken the next step? Very few men would spill their guts like that without hoping for something in return.
> 
> ...


Not so fast. He was checking to see if he had a shot!

I think he was being honest.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

When we're bored we can read a book, watch a movie, go for a walk, go to the gym, mow the lawn or wash the car. A married person doesn't start chatting up old flames and telling them how much they love them. Nor do they keep photos of old flames on their phones...


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

hambone said:


> He was checking to see if he had a shot!


BUT he's married :scratchhead:


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

waiwera said:


> BUT he's married :scratchhead:


I didn't say it was OK. That's just what he was doing... Checking to see if he would get a positive response from her.

Didn't say it was right but at least he didn't lie about it!


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

limabeans said:


> 4 years in? I would want to leave, honestly.
> 
> He's put this woman on a pedestal where she'll remain perfect and unattainable. Do you want to pour heart and soul into a relationship with a guy who's sitting at his computer professing love to someone else?
> 
> What is your relationship like otherwise?


Hang on just a minute. Up till she said "NO", maybe he was holding out hope that she might have a shot with her.

This MIGHT convince him he has no shot and he'll move on..

He might not. If he can't get over it, you have no choice but to move on..

BUT, if this convinces him that he will never have a shot with her, can you get over it?

If you can't get over it... go ahead and move on. 

Please do not take this in any way that I condone what he did or that there is any justification for what he did. I'm just saying that he might be ready to move past her... And if you love him and can move on yourself...


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

You're married to a man who is pining away for another woman.
He cannot give 100% of his love & devotion to you because he's giving part of that love to another woman.
It matters not that she doesn't return his affection, it matters that he still loves another.
Let this sink in, you're a consolation prize to him, you're not his 1st choice & THAT should be what matters to you.
Personally I would never stay with a man who was still chasing after a ghost from his past.
I'd be hurt & upset that he couldn't at least be honest about something so vital to a relationship.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

itsmeok, First I want to say how sorry I am and that I can imagine how much you are hurting.

What he has done has certainly violated your trust and your vows. He clearly has feelings for some woman who is not much more than his imagination, what might have been. Who can compete with that? No one. None of us could ever match up to a fantasy.

I would sit him down and calmly disclose what you have found. See what he has to say about it, but OP - follow your gut.

If he wants to keep this marriage he is going to have to do more than apologize. In the mean time, you need to really think about if you want to be in a marriage where you may be the third wheal. I hate to say that but you should not half to settle for not being first and foremost with your husband.

As far as minding your own business. He is your business - you did nothing wrong with checking out his phone. If he was the husband he should be, the pictures would not have been there in the first place.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

hambone said:


> I didn't say it was OK. That's just what he was doing... Checking to see if he would get a positive response from her.
> 
> Didn't say it was right but at least he didn't lie about it!


Are you honestly trying to tell me you believe he wouldn't have taken the next step if she had return his love/lust? After telling her his heart is hers? Really??

He may be THE most loyal man alive, despite his declaring his undying love for OW and I really really hope he is for the OP's sake but all cheaters lie...we already know this.
How many spouses who are looking for someone to affair with just fess up when confronted.

His just checking to see if she responds sounds like a load of rubbish and it sounds like (would be) cheater talk to me.

I wonder if you had read these message from YOUR spouse to another person if you would be so objective?

I'm still very curious what the occurrences were in their early relationship. I believe she has her reasons for her distrust...thus the snooping. Most of us only snoop when our gut instincts start calling out to us that something is....... not right :scratchhead:


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Wow. That is so not what you want to find, I am sorry you are in this position. I wonder what prompted you to snoop? You must have had a feeling something was "off."

He has not seen this woman in YEARS, it is difficult to compete with a fantasy that he has created around her image in the years that have passed since they knew one another in college and on top of that they never dated!

At least she did not encourage his behavior. 

At the least, he is escaping his daily life into a fantasy one with this woman and often these things turn into bigger problems. 


The closest thing I have come to this was when I had a boyfriend in college and found his love letters to a Mormon girl he met in Utah, he had a photo shrine of her ON HIS WALL and worshipped her as the perfect girl - obviously NOT me. Good grief it was night finding a photo of day! Make that a shrine of photos like you!

So I confronted him, be warned for what comes out of their mouths when you do! She was the perfect girl, so wholesome and chaste blah blah blah.

You are dumped. Good bye said I!

It was easier then because we were not married. Thus we parted, I went and found a sinner like myself and then he got pissed! He posted some horrible note on my college dorm DOOR and then had some breakdown because Perfect Girl from Utah turned out to have flaws as well. Too bad, that was before I accepted abuse. 

I suspect had your husband done anything with the woman, his illusions would have been shattered as well. Perhaps you two need to consider counseling to work this out. I am sorry for the pain this must be causing you.

P.S. If it makes you feel better you are being very mature, I was 19 and ripped her to shreds, literally.


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## nancy.ramos (Oct 16, 2012)

So sorry for what you are going through. I am in a similar situation, actually for the past 1.5 years and it still hurts.

I have 2 children, so it complicates things more. There are days when this goes to the back of my mind, bust most of them time it stings.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Are you honestly trying to tell me you believe he wouldn't have taken the next step if she had return his love/lust? After telling her his heart is hers? Really??
> 
> He may be THE most loyal man alive, despite his declaring his undying love for OW and I really really hope he is for the OP's sake but all cheaters lie...we already know this.
> How many spouses who are looking for someone to affair with just fess up when confronted.
> ...


NO... I'm saying just the opposite. He was checking to see if that option was available.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Had the OW responded favourably to the OP's H, it's my guess that the EA (which it certainly was. He told her he loved her etc) would have turned physical at the first opportune moment.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

hambone said:


> NO... I'm saying just the opposite. He was checking to see if that option was available.


Exactly, but he told his wife that he just wanted to see her reaction, he didn't say he was going to run to her if she reciprocated. 

Anyway OP, he's being really immature and you don't deserve it. You shouldn't feel inadequate, he's idealizing her and he's holding on to something that isn't even there. 
I don't want to tell you what to do but this would bother me if I were you. You'll always feel like second fiddle because of your husband when his job should be to make you feel like the most important person in the world.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

OP,

Really sorry you are going through this but I can honestly tell you from a man's perspective that if this woman lived in the same town AND she was open to his advances there would have been a PA from what you are saying. 

I could not be with a person that loved another person and was also physically attracted to another person. I had this happen to me with an ex-GF and she told me that it was "nothing". I had enough self respect to tell her that she needed to find happiness with the other guy. She did, her dumped her and she came crawling back saying "she **** the bed" but I told her that I would only use her for sex since I had zero emotional involvment. She took the hint and moved on.


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## moto164 (Aug 4, 2013)

OP please come back and respond to some of the questions ask.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

2galsmom said:


> I read it as Hambone suggested that if the "option" i.e. the woman in the photo album was available her husband would have executed the "option" and pursued her.
> 
> His intent to cheat is obvious, he told her "I Love You" and I will not rehash what else he told her as it will be painful fir his wife.
> 
> ...


Some times, the travel brochure is much better than the actual trip. 

As long as they are fantasy... they are perfect.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I could not live with this. The fb messages are enough, but the photo shrine makes it definitive. I wouldn't live with it.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

He got hung up and never let it go.

Did you find any pics of himself that might have been sent to women? That might indicate he's shopping for affirmation.

How was your relationship going immediately prior?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He meant what he said. Nobody says stuff like that just to "get a reaction" from someone else. 

He was playing with fire and burned you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> He got hung up and never let it go.


:iagree:

May be a case of limerence. He has idealized her and isn't living in reality.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ere/201209/limerence-in-love-obsessed-or-both


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

itsmeokay said:


> I don't know if I want to be with a man who doesn't really love me as much as some other woman, and who pretty much said to her that, before marriage, he would've left me to be with her.


You deserve better :smthumbup:


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

It is very possible he see's her almost as unfinished business. Alot of men are very goal oriented and if a goal we set in the past shows its ugly head and seems reachable most will reach for it even if said goal is no longer the right decision. He wanted to be with this girl and he never got a chance, in his mind this could be him finishing what he started. 

Now i am not defending his action bye no means you should sit him down and make it known Her or you. If his choice is you then be prepared with a list of things to prove that choice, Blocking her on facebook, deleting her pictures, ect...Here's a idea to prove his love for you and only you. Have him write a letter telling her what he told you is the truth and send it to her though facebook just before blocking her.....

if he can do something like that it would prove his story if not be done with him he will never give you the love you deserve.


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## itsmeokay (Sep 25, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Oh he has done "something" she is just not interested but his intentions where there, boredom does not make you reach out to others and say I love you. You deserve better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry for delay in replying back to you all.

About the being "bored", I told him that he is full of it, and that it makes absolutely no sense. He was unemployed during that time (and had been for several months). So lots of times he would just be at home, while I was at work. I doubt he used his time wisely during his unemployed stint


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## itsmeokay (Sep 25, 2013)

limabeans said:


> 4 years in? I would want to leave, honestly.
> 
> He's put this woman on a pedestal where she'll remain perfect and unattainable. Do you want to pour heart and soul into a relationship with a guy who's sitting at his computer professing love to someone else?
> 
> What is your relationship like otherwise?


Honestly, we struggle. I have problems trusting him. Not just about his activities, but also his drive to support and lead our family.


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## itsmeokay (Sep 25, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Wow...
> 
> What if she had come back in the positive... do you really think he wouldn't have taken the next step? Very few men would spill their guts like that without hoping for something in return.
> 
> ...


wanted to respond to this and to the person who asked what prompted me to snoop...

Well when we were dating, I found out that he purchased two tickets to his FAVORITE musician. I thought he was surprising me to a concert date. But I found out on the day of that he asked this same woman to go with him. I told him that he would be disrespecting me by going. He insisted that it was just two friends going to a concert because they like the same musician. I told him that if he went, it would be a DATE, pure and simple. I told him that if walks out that door, that he is pretty much leaving his girlfriend (me) at home to take out his 'friend'. On top of that, he had to pick her up and drop her back off. WTH?
Needless to say, I couldn't believe he went. But I was pissed  

But stupid me, I forgave that the next day :scratchhead: almost like i didnt want to confront it or deal with it


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## itsmeokay (Sep 25, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Wow...
> 
> What if she had come back in the positive... do you really think he wouldn't have taken the next step? Very few men would spill their guts like that without hoping for something in return.
> 
> ...





Sanity said:


> OP,
> 
> Really sorry you are going through this but I can honestly tell you from a man's perspective that if this woman lived in the same town AND she was open to his advances there would have been a PA from what you are saying.
> 
> I could not be with a person that loved another person and was also physically attracted to another person. I had this happen to me with an ex-GF and she told me that it was "nothing". I *had enough self respect* to tell her that she needed to find happiness with the other guy. She did, her dumped her and she came crawling back saying "she **** the bed" but I told her that I would only use her for sex since I had zero emotional involvment. She took the hint and moved on.


I think this is what I never had....self-respect. Every time I would catch him saying/doing things that a committed/married man shouldn't have done (and of course, he would always write it off as just innocent), I would just forgive it or shrug it off.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

itsmeokay said:


> My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 8 total years. Because of some things that happened a few years back, I became somewhat of the occasional snooper. Well fast forward to 6 months ago. I came across a facebook conversation between he and a woman he had deep feelings for during his college years *(they never dated)*. In the message he was basically pouring his heart out to her asking why she never game him a chance. *He also said (can't remember the exact words) that if she would've given him a chance before he got married, he would've basically moved on with her.* And lastly, he said something along the lines of his heart is with her. She replied back, but more so in being flattered but clearly not interested.



WOW! Doesn't that you feel special. Some girl from college that didn't give him the time of day, (and still won't) means more to him than you. YIKES !!

I say the following with all sincerity : If I was you, and did not have kids, I would D him on the spot. 

If you have kids, I would demand immediate MC and also IC for him, because frankly he sounds like he is some kind of pervert stalker with this woman. Sorry you are here.


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## limabeans (Sep 23, 2013)

OP...what are you getting from this relationship that is good? Anything? 

Was he actually trying to get a job while he was unemployed, or was he just sitting at the computer attention wh0ring with other women all day?

No kids? Might be time to give up on the dream and get rid of the dead weight you're dragging around. I did, and it was like a 10 ton weight was lifted off my shoulders.


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## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

I can't help but wonder if this is one of those human things where we all want what we can't have. With that thought in mind, I can't help but wonder if you left him(not saying you should), if all of a sudden, YOU would then become the woman that he is pining for the rest of his life. 

Problem is, that if he never dated this other person, then chances are that he has never seen her at her worst which means that he is more in love with a fairy tale than the real person. The image of what it would be like to be with her. Trust me, even she could not live up to those expectations, so don't let it make you feel like less of a person.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

So basically he took this other woman on a "date" while you two were living together - to the concert. He probably tried to get her to want to date him during that date. She turned him down so he came back to you, like an old sweater hanging in the closet. If she has agreed to date him back then, he admitted he would have left you and gone to her.

You took him back with just a little warning. Now you are married and he is still after her, trying for that chance. He has a photo shrine of her. He writes to her that "his heart is still with her". If her response back to him was different and she agreed to give him anther chance. I am sorry to say, but he would have dumped you faster than a red hot potato - even after 4 years of marriage.

OP, I can imagine how heart broken you are, as I said in my first post. But OP, now you know. He will always hold her up as "the one". You will always be the one he settled with but will never truly love.

If you stay, you are setting yourself up to be reminded of this daily. You will always doubt your self worth. Your self esteem will suffer, daily. Unless you are in an arranged marriage or come from a culture that will disown you if you divorce - at the minimum, I would kick him out. Show him you have backbone and deserve to be treated with all the love and respect he gives to this other woman.

You are in charge of your own life, not him. You chose to settle for being second choice. You can continue that or you can chose to be first, maybe not to him, but to yourself and someone else who will truly love you, take care of you and cherish you.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

itsmeokay said:


> wanted to respond to this and to the person who asked what prompted me to snoop...
> 
> Well when we were dating, I found out that he purchased two tickets to his FAVORITE musician. I thought he was surprising me to a concert date. But I found out on the day of that he asked this same woman to go with him. I told him that he would be disrespecting me by going. He insisted that it was just two friends going to a concert because they like the same musician. I told him that if he went, it would be a DATE, pure and simple. I told him that if walks out that door, that he is pretty much leaving his girlfriend (me) at home to take out his 'friend'. On top of that, he had to pick her up and drop her back off. WTH?
> Needless to say, I couldn't believe he went. But I was pissed
> ...


He will NEVER give her up, I repeat, he will NEVER give her up.
She is the one who got away, you're 2nd best, if you can even call it that. 
By staying with him after he went on a date with her, you showed him that your threats are empty, he knows he can do anything he wants & you won't leave him.
We show people how to treat us, you showed him that you will forgive/forget his love for another just to stay with him. 

I understand you love him, but you know the truth, he is in love with someone else.
You have two choices, stay & accept that he will pine away for her.
Or leave & find a man who will cherish & love only you.
No one deserves to be treated like 2nd best, with crumbs of affection given out because their So is too busy wasting their life wanting something that will never come to pass.

If you stay, I hope that one day your H's "love" doesn't decide to take him up on one of his many offers.
If she does, then at that point, I would bet that your choice to leave would already be made up for you.

You're worth more than settling for a man who doesn't love you like he loves another woman.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

She didn't date him when he was single and now he's coming on to her after he's MARRIED. You should indeed feel very disrespected. I don't care how nice he is. He really needs to do some soul searching and stop being so selfish and immature. The time he's spending pining over this woman should be focused on you and his family's financial well being.

If it's any consolation, Although she may be flattered, If this woman your husband is so infatuated with has any real substance of character, I'm sure she has little respect for him.


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