# Sex addict or what?



## letmeaskyou (Oct 6, 2013)

I have never posted in a forum but I would really like some insight I can only get from men. I'm not looking for advice. I may not like it but I already know what I should do and am even introspective enough to understand that I need to seriously spend some time figuring out why I even allowed myself to get in the situation I am in. 

Guys, any insight into the male mind, what is common and uncommon, (I would appreciate blunt honesty. I think often we respond to information requests with what we think is the right perspective, even if it is not our own) and even what is beyond the scope of uncommon and boarder line scary or troubling. 

Ladies, the sharing of any similar stories and outcomes would be appreciated as I have tried Googling this in every articulate way I can and haven't found anything really relatable. 

Thanks all. Here it goes.

This is the Cliff's Notes version.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and over the last year and a half have slowly realized, through little things here and there, that he is not anywhere close to as honest a person as I thought. The lies were those stupid ones were you think to yourself, "why did you even go to the trouble of lying about that." Most of the time, the action or behavior that actually happened was better than the lie he concocted to cover it up. About the same time, he started opening up more sexually to me than ever before and letting me in on his fantasies and desires which I was totally ok with and loved that he was comfortable. I am a very nonjudgmental person so I made sure to nurture his new expressive ability and he continued to open up more and more. 

A rundown of those fantasies that didn't concern me at all: seeing two women together (shocker right), getting "head" from women other than myself (I will put this in both didn't and did concern me fantasy lists as it went from the "sometimes when I see a woman I find attractive I think about what it would be like to have her suck...... to much more as time went on), being in a threesome, ect... I believe these to be fairly common fantasies and my personal opinion is as long as you aren't trying to make your partner actually do them and just expressing the thoughts in the place where you feel you are safe to do so, they can be erotic and a turn on. 

The development over time fantasies that sent up the red flags and ended up making me suspicious and snoopy while also making me feel devalued and far less confident than I have ever been (I'm an A type personality, I have never had self esteem issues nor have I ever been arrogant or demeaning): wanting to hear details about my past sexual experiences, a strong desires to see me in a gang bang, admitting to masterbating while thinking about having sex with me and his most recent ex (I am totally ok with masterbation and even found it exciting if I asked him while we were in the act to tell me about the last time he did), a strong desire to have women he doesn't know go down on him or even women we were friends with, to have his ex go down on him and get to have sex with her, walking in on me with other men.

So, we went from having what I would consider a healthy active sex life centered around each other to where we are now. He wants to have sex daily (fine with that) he wants to text extremely dirty all day (take your mind to the filthy thing you can think of to text while "sexting" and I doubt it is as dirty as he gets) he is always horny (ten minutes after the act he is thinking about it again) and when we do start it is the same exact thing every time. He wants head, then he may return the act if I want, then he wants to use toys (a vibrator for me and pocket....... for him) and he wants to spend hours talking about all those troublesome fantasies I mentioned. In detail. Very detailed. And it is only when it is time to finish that we have intercourse and it's just to achieve the result.

Things to keep in mind: he also very much expressing how much he enjoys me when he is inside me. He praises my abilities at oral sex. He calls me beautiful all the time. The big thing to keep in mind: he is seriously my best friend (although this is a thin line so take all romantic involvement out of the equation when I say this) we do everything together. We love the same things. We play PlayStation (I'm in my thirties and yes I like to relax by gaming, I make no apologies for that), we love cooking together, we love documentaries and movies and he gives me the full rundown on his day and vents to me all the time. We talk about politics, religion, ect. And he tells me how much he loves me daily.

Now for the kicker. Three months ago I found out he cheated. I know you are all shocked and didn't see this coming. (a bit of sarcasm as I'm not blind to the "duh" factor here). He slept with his ex. This make sense to me that if he was going to take fantasy to reality it would be with her. He is huge, HUGE, on comfort zones. Probably the biggest reason I didn't worry is because I know his anxiety at the literal scenario is far greater than his desire for it to happen when it comes to strangers. So, why did I take him back? Because I'm a human too and have made mistakes and I truly feel that an action in and of itself does not define a person. We can make a bad choice without being a bad person. I cannot possibly articulate in a blogs the sincerity of his grief after so I won't try to but, and it may be that because I do so genuinely love him that I wanted to believe but either way, he was remorseful to say the least and I made the choice to forgive. 

Why I am posting this today: last night we did something we rarely do and had a bit too much to drink. We stayed home and had a great night together laughing and talking and cooking. He, however, was very very drunk by the time we went to bed and during the aforementioned "toy time" he told me that he had been sleeping with his ex and getting her to go down on him for most of the time we were together. Now. He didn't say it like that. He said it in a more, "I've loved using her up and making her swallow" kind of way and when I said (very intentionally) that's hot, you been doing this awhile huh? He said yeah usually on Tuesday. He works out of town the rest of the week. He said it had been awhile and he needs to make it a point to get over there and do it again. He also said that he thinks of ways to get girls to go down on him each day in the morning when he is in the shower for that day. When I asked him if he would rather have sex with one of the famous people he found sexy or get a blow job from a dirty **** he doesn't know behind a gas station, he picked the latter. Big issue for me. We are ok with the famous people thing because it is outside the realm of attainable. For him to place that desire over a hall pass to sleep with Megan Fox is scary to say the least as it is very much attainable. 

Final "keep in mind" stuff: he is not an introvert by ANY means. Very social. As a matter of fact, is happiest socially when he is the center of attention. He likes to be praised heavily and is very nervous and uncomfortable if he thinks someone thinks something he is saying or doing is negative or bad. He knows tons and tons of people because of the nature of his job but has zero really close male friends. He has many male long term "I could call him for help if I needed it" old high school buddies but nothing as an adult. He never says, hey, are you cool with me going to watch the fight with so and so guy friend this weekend. He is very smart and has a fascinating ability to recall information. He has a great sense of humor and loves to laugh. He does, however, have the biggest phobia of confrontation that I have ever seen in a person. He avoids it at ALL costs. He has had his job for many years and makes good money but is irresponsible with his bills and rarely pays anything on time. If he could snap his fingers and be famous for something, he would and if you ask him the best scenario for his death, he would tell you it would be in the act of doing something that he would be a hero for, like pushing a kid out of the way and him getting hit by a bus instead. 

He has no biological children. 1 ex wife ( a 3 year on and off dating and 2 years married relationship). The ex he slept with was after his divorce but before me and lasted just under 2 years. I've stated how long we have been together and given were we are, I'm not blind to a pattern in the longevity. I have two kids from my ex husband of 13 years. We were teenagers when we met and just aged differently but he is a fantastic father and we have a very good co parenting relationship. I had one relationship after my ex and before my current but (as will happen with this one but for very different reasons) broke up with him as I didn't see it working long term. 

I understand that he has issues that I can't and won't solve and that my choices are to stay knowing I cannot change him or leave and look for something more respective. I don't need to be told that. I would, however, like some thoughts on what it is I missed, cause obviously I missed something in the beginning and did NOT see all this progressing this way, but also how much of these fantasies are more common than I think and how do men process things like this in their head. Just your thoughts in general as to the mental processes behind all this would be appreciated. 

Thanks for reading my book, lol, and for your contribution. I very much appreciate it


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So did you ever find out if his drunken rambling about his ex blowing him every Tuesday is true or not?

He doesn't sound like a sex addict. He sounds rather normal. A tad self centered, with the blow job fantasy/fixation, but the fantasies your describe all sound relatively normal.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Let,
A partner frequently sharing pervasive fantasies about other women and threesomes may be doing so to gauge your reaction. 

Note the common theme with your man: Intense desire for acceptance combined with low impulse control results in:
- Lying/deceiving/avoiding when doing so prevents confrontation or improves other peoples opinion of him. 
- The extreme focus on a completed bj fantasy as males commonly associate that as an act of 'total acceptance/love/devotion'. 
- The infidelity

With a guy like that your best shot at getting the truth is to get them comfortable that you will be ok with whatever they tell you. Which is deceptive, but with that type of person, the blunt question will almost always produce a deceptive response or a blatant lie. 





letmeaskyou said:


> I have never posted in a forum but I would really like some insight I can only get from men. I'm not looking for advice. I may not like it but I already know what I should do and am even introspective enough to understand that I need to seriously spend some time figuring out why I even allowed myself to get in the situation I am in.
> 
> Guys, any insight into the male mind, what is common and uncommon, (I would appreciate blunt honesty. I think often we respond to information requests with what we think is the right perspective, even if it is not our own) and even what is beyond the scope of uncommon and boarder line scary or troubling.
> 
> ...


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

This guy is normal for his age, lots of young men have sexual fantasies and want to "sow their oats". Question is, are you ok with it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

IDK, the blow job fetish kind of bugs me.

You don't hear of many women who fantasize about strange men yanking up her skirt to dine at the Y, while the she sips her latte at star bucks... You know what I mean...


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I'm a guy ok? Honestly, I think your heading for trouble down the road. 

He has his fantasies, but I think that there has to be more than sex to make a relationship work. The way this guy is reminds me of my first wife. If you cut the top of her head off, a bunch of penis's would have fallen out. Sex became a job because she didn't have the ability to know when to stop and take into consideration of other things. 

I mean what are you going to do if you would get a serious illness where your unable to please this guy at the drop of a hat? Is he going to say, "Hey hon, I'm going shopping for a quickie, back in an hour, then again a couple hours later. 

It's just my opinion. You know him better than I do, I'm just asking that you think about it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

6301 said:


> The way this guy is reminds me of my first wife. If you cut the top of her head off, a bunch of penis's would have fallen out.


LOL, just had a visual of a Barbie with little plastic penises falling out of her empty head...

Sorry, return to your regularly scheduled thread now.


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## letmeaskyou (Oct 6, 2013)

Thanks for the replies. Ya know, the sleeping with his ex is what bugs me far more than the fantasies. I believe it takes a whole new level of deception for that one. As far as knowing if his drunk ramblings were true, how can I? Of course he apologized and even laughed at himself and said none of it was anything other than him being too drunk to judge how far he had taken the fantasy. First issue with that is who fantasizes about having an affair in the past that's ended? Kinda defeats the purpose in my opinion. And second,I think the case has been made that if he feels like the truth will upset me, he'll lie. 

I would almost suspect some suppressed homosexuality if I didn't absolutely know better. I would be fine accepting that as truth if it was and am very liberal when it comes to sexual preference. More than the bj's, it's the obsession with watching several men, "use me up" as he says. The gang bang deal is odd to me and almost feels like he has some latent control issues. But he is a huge anal sex fan, obsessed with bj's and would prefer to see three guys finish on me than see me go down on a girl. (None of which are an actual option I would agree to anyway but again, I'm OK with fantasy talk). 

If there is latent homosexuality, I promise not even he consciously knows it.

I don't know. People still amaze and shock me.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm not even going to really address the fantasy issues. I think we all can have fantasies that we might not consider doing in real life. Seeing a person you love being used and mistreated sexually - it is one thing to think about and another to wish it was actually happening.

However. He's cheated on you - that's one strike. A big one. He lies to you even in situations where lying is not necessary. Those two things alone are quite troubling and suggest this is a person without integrity. I would use caution in proceeding with the relationship.

Anyone here can likely tell you - those red flags you get before you are married are nearly always correct and are a good indication of the patterns your relationship is going to follow always. 

I've been married 18 years. Some issues we've been able to work out. However the sexual issues remain and we are having the same tired arguments several times per year that we've been having for 18 years.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MissScarlett said:


> I'm not even going to really address the fantasy issues. I think we all can have fantasies that we might not consider doing in real life. Seeing a person you love being used and mistreated sexually - it is one thing to think about and another to wish it was actually happening.
> 
> However. He's cheated on you - that's one strike. A big one. He lies to you even in situations where lying is not necessary. Those two things alone are quite troubling and suggest this is a person without integrity. I would use caution in proceeding with the relationship.


I'm with MissScarlett...the LYING would be a deal breaker for me...read your words again 



> *letmeaskyou said*: that *he is not anywhere close to as honest a person as I thought*. The lies were those stupid ones were you think to yourself, "why did you even go to the trouble of lying about that." Most of the time, the action or behavior that actually happened was better than the lie he concocted to cover it up.


Here is a breakdown on WHY people LIE >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...s-why-people-lie-how-much-acceptable-you.html



> Anyone here can likely tell you - those red flags you get before you are married are nearly always correct and are a good indication of the patterns your relationship is going to follow always.


 very true... what you see now, is peering into your future...he's cheated on you with an EX in the 1st 2 & half yrs of your relationship, when the whirlwind Love chemicals should be at their strongest for each other...very bad sign. 

Be careful you are not being TOO forgiving...(this is what I am feeling with your story). There is always a careful balance in these things, sure people make mistakes in a weak moment...but with honesty, not being able to live with their conscience, needing to do RIGHT by the one they hurt....they will throw themselves on our mercy....changing their behavior, being careful with healthy boundaries with others... due to their weak nature in this...

I would find this scenario more forgiving somehow... over how you have described the situation... what has changed since his betrayal with the EX...has any steps at all been taken?? ....or how he acts, his being alone with single women....it's like an alcoholic can not be around BOOZE...a Sex addict needs specific boundaries to NOT fall into it again....most especially with his over confident social personality and HIGH LUST/ fantasies...seems he would pull many women in, with his charms, if he so wanted to.

I just don't see a man like this being tamed...without much work ahead on his *boundaries with other women* ... *and his Lying ways*.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Let,
Your priorities are good. Lots of fantasies that a person has no interest in acting out. Most monogamous guys have some fantasies about other women. Fantasies are only destructive when over shared with a partner who dislikes them. 

When a drunk partner tells you is he is cheating, he creates a degree of plausible deniability. 

There are only two scenarios here:
1. He was telling the truth
2. He was lying: Which means he was being emotionally sadistic because not only were you upset 'in the moment', but now you have serious doubts about what is real. 




letmeaskyou said:


> Thanks for the replies. Ya know, the sleeping with his ex is what bugs me far more than the fantasies. I believe it takes a whole new level of deception for that one. As far as knowing if his drunk ramblings were true, how can I? Of course he apologized and even laughed at himself and said none of it was anything other than him being too drunk to judge how far he had taken the fantasy. First issue with that is who fantasizes about having an affair in the past that's ended? Kinda defeats the purpose in my opinion. And second,I think the case has been made that if he feels like the truth will upset me, he'll lie.
> 
> I would almost suspect some suppressed homosexuality if I didn't absolutely know better. I would be fine accepting that as truth if it was and am very liberal when it comes to sexual preference. More than the bj's, it's the obsession with watching several men, "use me up" as he says. The gang bang deal is odd to me and almost feels like he has some latent control issues. But he is a huge anal sex fan, obsessed with bj's and would prefer to see three guys finish on me than see me go down on a girl. (None of which are an actual option I would agree to anyway but again, I'm OK with fantasy talk).
> 
> ...


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He's a freak....not sure about sex addict. You should be really concerned about the cheating. He obviously has no filter but he seems not to be able respect boundaries. You have to be firm with him that he needs to respect you more.


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