# Can't stand my mother in law -- can you?



## frankie07

This is going to be a rant about my mother in law and I just want advice and opinions on how to go about it.

My fiancé and I have been engaged and are getting married fairly soon. We both have a great grasp on how to handle issues between us except for one topic: his mom. My problem is.. I can't stand her. I can't. I think she is a lazy, freeloading woman with a hidden agenda for any and everything. 

Let me give you some background: I met my fiancé years ago because he and my brother were best friends. Eventually, we started to date in our late teens. My boyfriend was still living home with his mom. His mom was still very resentful of his father divorcing her, so she let his childhood home go into foreclosure while she refused to work/find work. So, he was kicked out at 18 when they changed the locks on their home and we moved in with one another. 

It wasn't easy. We were young -- juggling work full time now and full time college. It was tough, it was. My fiancé would get so stressed, upset and lost in his daily routine now and that broke me down to see him like that. His mother, however, moved in with a married couple and continued to use our apartment as a storage unit (the room we didn't have, she took up). Fast forward years, we now moved out of state and are doing very well at this point in our lives. Now that she sees this though, she calls for money. And when I say money, I mean mine. I do make more than my fiancé does and she knows it. She calls for money constantly. She still doesn't work - she doesn't want to. What money she has, she uses to order chinese food and smoke her weed. (Not exaggerating.)

So, regardless of all of these insane things happening on her behalf, I still knew it was best to really try to overlook it and see her through HIS eyes. That was fine up until this past summer when we were visiting her in our home state and we had dinner with my brother in law and his kids. While everyone was enjoying themselves and running around, she turns to me and whispers, "it's time for them to take their fuc*ing kids home" about her grandsons. I was speechless. Now, mind you, my passion are children. I come from a BEAUTIFUL, tightly knit family that VALUES the children in it. I am also graduating this spring with my degree in child counseling, focusing specifically in childcare and parenting -- I am going to help kids for a living and she turns to me 
and says she wants her "fun*king grandkids" to go home now. The reason being: he was sticky from his sucker and it was disgusting. 

I can't bring myself to tell my fiancé. I can't. Two months later over breakfast, she tells me she can't stand to be around her grandsons from more than a few hours because "they're just ridiculous". They're 6 and 2 years old - they're rambunctious boys. I, at this point, lost what little respect I had for her. 

Well, she called my fiancé out of the blue about a month ago and wanted to come live with us. In our condo. In this huge, metropolitan area. Just... barge in. We both, still, go to school full time, work full time and are doing internships on top of traveling. When he tried to explain this to her, she cried and used the excuse, "Haven't I done enough for you in your lifetime? It's time for you to pay me back." (Oh, I love this excuse as well. Believe me.) 

This was a large rant. There's more, but this is just the randomness of what she comes up with on a daily basis for us. She's made comments before about me not "loving" her and I just want to turn to her sometimes and just, explain to her how I was brought up to be the opposite of her. I think my main issues lies in the fact that I come from such amazing, experienced, cultured, educated parents and they strived our entire lives (my siblings and mine) to show us that hard work and dedication are beautiful and pay off and to take chances, love deeply and give give give to others. I don't know anyone who has a family as rich in love as the one my parents have built. It irritates me that, as a parent, she has not done the same for my fiancé and she continues to not do "parental instinct things" for him.

I remember one night, I asked my fiancé how he felt about her letting their home go into foreclosure and not working. He said, "what else could she do?" and I just had to cry. I said to him, "if I knew my children were at risk at 18 years old of losing their childhood home, I would walk to McDonald's and ask for an application. I would beg. I would do whatever it took to make sure my kids felt safe, content and protected by me. That's ... your duty as a parent." And he just, defended her. 

I don't know. I don't. Help. What do I do? And please tell me if I'm being irrational -- I am open to suggestions and comments of all sorts.




(ps - my brother is not mad, he is very excited his best friend is now going to be his brother in law  )


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## CantePe

I don't have much to say for most of it. You really can't rationalize a disordered mind with an ordered mind (I've recently learned this hard lesson with a supposed friend I've come to realize is the classic BPD'er)

Ad for his defense of his mother...it boils down to a very simple, clichéd and old saying:

In the eyes of a child, mother is God

To those of us who can't rationalize it on any level it doesn't make sense but to those who grow up in dysfunctional environments, it is logical and rational. It is learned.

I'd say distance yourself from her and her situation, allow him to deal with his mother and set firm boundaries for your relationship with him and home life (DO NOT agree to let her move in, you won't be getting married if you do. Never ever live with in laws) and stick to the set firm boundaries.

She is not your mother, you don't owe her a damn thing or an ounce of loyalty.


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## frusdil

No way in hades should you let her move in with you, you will NEVER get rid of her.

I fully understand your attitude and frustration towards her when it comes to your fiancé's childhood, but you have to let that go. That's nothing to do with you, you weren't there. Let it go. 

What she does now however, does affect you, and you need to put up boundaries around her. No more money. What sort of parent regularly asks their kids for money? Seriously.

You need to sit down with your fiancé and discuss boundaries with BOTH of your families, otherwise he will feel his family is being attacked.

I have the same problem. Can't stand my inlaws. I always say to my husband that it's his job to manage his family, and I'll manage mine. He ruefully replies "But your family doesn't need managing", lol. I say "I know, but it is what it is".

My family is very easygoing, flexible and doesn't make a big deal of things. We're not overly "gifty" people, in that we don't really buy birthday or chrissy presses for each other (except for SD), but we are close and see each other all the time. Hubby loves my family for this reason.

His on the other hand are VERY demanding, highly critical and want what they want when they want it. Very materialistic, very focussed on presents. They're not very close (SIL is very enmeshed with her parents but not in a healthy way), and hubby doesn't see them very often as he just finds it too stressful. That's his way of dealing with it. My family, would just vent it out, hehehe


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## SamuraiJack

You need to tell your fiancé immediately what she said and explain to her the next time she asks to live with you that there will be NO ESCAPE from her grandkids.
Turn her rankle against her and let her come to her own conclusion.

If your fiancé chooses her over you, then your relationship is already doomed.


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## Mr.Fisty

I suggest couple counseling and individual counseling for him.

Also , you should really think hard about marriage if he can't escape his toxic mother.

It will be a point of contention between the two of you. 

I wonder if he is still a boy pining for his mother's affection? 

Until he becomes mentally stable, and breaks the hold she has on him, I suggest you break up. You can't fix him. 

This is of course if he can't stand up to her and doesn't go see a counselor .


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## frankie07

I really appreciate the immediate responses -- I was afraid no one would comment. It truly helps to hear people who don't "know us" give their opinion on it. All of my friends and family know all three of us so sometimes I feel that their "outsider" insight isn't truly an outsider's at all.

She's actually staying with us this weekend. I am finishing up my degree this spring so this year has just been.. insane with classes. I opted out of dinner both nights so that I could get research done at the library and both nights, she's had my fiancé contact me and ask me if I'm upset that she's here. Or to ask why I am choosing homework over it. There is no escaping her irrationality (as one of you called it and I like that adjective for her). 

Mr. Fisty, you said that maybe he could still be looking for that affection and I've pondered this thought many times. I do believe, 100%, that she was not enough for him as a child. I do not doubt for a second that he feels neglected and lost on more than one level with her. I know she's also drilled into his head that he is as responsible for her as she is for him and that just, breaks my heart. He is so caught up in making sure she's taken care of because she's made it clear it's his job that he doesn't feel like HE's the child in the situation. It's toxic all the way around.

And to everyone: she will NEVER live with us. I am sorry, but if that woman were thrown on the streets tomorrow, her ass would end up in the homeless shelter because there is a sign on my door saying ABSOLUTELY NOT. She is staying with us this weekend, actually. I came home from work today to the news that she went through my fridge and threw out what she thought we didn't want/need, she read our bills to see how much our gas is here in the city amongst other things she wanted to know and she also decided today was the day our dog would not have to be crated while no one was home so he did a wonderful little number on our house while she left. 

I am really struggling with the thought of telling him what she said to be about her grandkids. That's the one subject that really made me lose what love I did have growing for her and I feel like I will never be content or feel safe knowing she is watching our kids one day. How do I bring this up to him? Do I? How would you?


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## Kylie84

Tell him if he is in fact serious about marrying you, he needs to grow up because you will not marry a little boy.
He is allowing her to play these games and get away with it. When she instructed him to call you when you were busy researching at the library he should of told her that there is no way he is disrupting you while you are working and he should never have called you.
Well that's what a MAN would have done anyway.
A grown man would also have already said to mum "I am sorry but we live in a small condo with barely enough room for the two of us, I can help you find something else if you'd like?"
I would be having serious words with him about finding his back bone, and it's up to you if you tell him about how much she 'loves' her grandkids.... if he needs examples to show him why you feel the way you do about her then this is a great one IMO.
Good luck


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## frankie07

Thank you all for the responses. Luckily for us, her visit was the last for a while. She moved to the east coast today and is "planning on going down south" in the winter. As far as I'm concerned -- she will never make an effort to come back because she will rely on my fiancé to do the traveling/paying. 

I am hoping this permanent move away from her will open his eyes a bit. I am planning on talking to him about the grandkids thing but I am still working on how to bring it up. I still feel like I am wedging myself in by bringing it up out of no where. Is it something I should say, "look, we need to talk about something"? I feel like, when I do that, he is going to immediately get defensive as if I have been waiting to bring it up (but I have). Agh.  

I appreciate everything anyone has put forward for me and I continue to log on daily to check up on the post.


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## frusdil

Honestly, I wouldn't bring that up now. It would look like you're the one trying to cause trouble. It's not worth it.

What I WOULD do though, is have a chat with your fiancé about boundaries, in laws, kids etc. So that the two of you are on the same page with things like whether or not parents will live with you.

If you're not, you need to know that now, before the wedding.


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## MysticTeenager

Okay, first of all DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN. I have a nice mother in law who often defends me and is nice and thoughtful and kind, and we live together and I hate it. 

He is her son and no matter what she does he will defend her and love her. My husband is the same an it annoys the crap out of me, but there isnt much you can do about it, unfortunately.

Talk to your fiance about your future kids, your boundries. Make sure you two are on the same page and if you arent then either accept what he wants or leave. Now. Before the wedding. Dont ignore it and think he will change, because he most likely wont.


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## ChargingCharlie

Yep, never let her move in. That's a recipe for disaster - she will always be a presence, and if the two of you should ever want to go somewhere, she will try to tag along, but do it in a PA way ("you kids just go out and do your thing, I don't want to intrude, I'll just sit here by myself"). 

My MIL is fine - talks a lot, but both her and the FIL are nice and generous people (too generous), although we both say we never want to live with them (same with my mom). My problem is their daughter, the SIL - drama queen, always a victim, always a crisis in her life, never has any $ because she's always shopping, etc (there's more, but that's the cliff notes version). Wife is afraid to stand up to her, so I've had to do it (her own brother can't stand her either, and he doesn't put up with her BS). She's a total PITA, and I can't stand her. Thankfully, she doesn't live near us.


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## whatslovegottodowithit?

This woman gave him life so he could have a life! It's a simple concept often overlooked by the abused (emotionally) child. This is what you get when you get involved with people who come from a broken home and have "mommy" issues. He was just 18 when this happened and it sucks BIG TIME!!! I hope you didn't enter this relationship with a rescuer mentality. You saw the family dynamic as it unfolded and still stuck with him/them which is fine, it's your choice, but this is what you opted into.

The MIL is not interested in her son being happy and wants to intrude on his life (YOUR life also) for whatever messed-up reason(s). Sadly, you can't change her, and if your fiance is not willing to change, nothing will change. Your fiance's first priority should be his family he is making with you, and if it isn't, you're in for a bumpy ride going forward. Children are your passion. Do you really want to marry into this?

Have you tried premarital counseling? If not, I'd like to think that this issue of the MIL, boundaries, how grandchildren are viewed, and marital expectations would be discussed in an adult forum with a professional.

To answer your question about how to tell your fiance about your views on children and his MIL's clear problem with them...perhaps start with a discussion about your future family goals as far as children go and segue from there.

If I came across as harsh, it's nothing personal, just a perspective I assumed you didn't see this issue from.


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