# How can I deal with not "getting" him back?



## theburton3 (Jun 19, 2009)

My husband and I were married for 6 years and have 3 kids aged 7,4,&2-we seperated last september-we were going through a very volatile time-things were really bad between us and I dont think either of us knew how to fix it. We both got lawyers and were hell bent on destroying each other. Alot of hurtful things have happened in the past 10 months-we never even tried to reconcile or discuss anything. The other night I went to his house to talk and we ended up sleeping with each other (actually the first time we had physical contact) He told me he loved me and missed me (I was already having those feelings thats why i went there to talk to him) Now he is saying that it was a mistake. That it shouldn't have happened and the last thing he wants is to go "backwards". To be back the way we were, and he is afraid that will happen. I really want my family back together and Im terrified he won't see things the same. I don't know what to do. Any advice or someone that has been in the same situation?


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Have you been to counseling, even if it doesn't get you two back together it could really help you get along and work through your issues since you will have to deal with each other for the kids. I wish you the best, divorce really brings out the worst in people so try taking a step back and not taking it personally and work on getting along again.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

theburton3 said:


> My husband and I were married for 6 years and have 3 kids aged 7,4,&2-we seperated last september-we were going through a very volatile time-things were really bad between us and I dont think either of us knew how to fix it. We both got lawyers and were hell bent on destroying each other. Alot of hurtful things have happened in the past 10 months-we never even tried to reconcile or discuss anything. The other night I went to his house to talk and we ended up sleeping with each other (actually the first time we had physical contact) He told me he loved me and missed me (I was already having those feelings thats why i went there to talk to him) Now he is saying that it was a mistake. That it shouldn't have happened and the last thing he wants is to go "backwards". To be back the way we were, and he is afraid that will happen. I really want my family back together and Im terrified he won't see things the same. I don't know what to do. Any advice or someone that has been in the same situation?



You would be wise to seek counseling to learn to let go of him. Your only going to set yourself up for misery to have any hope, more so after you slept with him and then he said it was a big mistake.
You should try to get help for your letting go and moving on... you'd be doing yourself a big favor.
Get the child support going and get your life going...
leave your ex out of it and move on, it sounds like he has.


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## theburton3 (Jun 19, 2009)

I realize that he said he "thinks" it was a mistake. We have not had a chance to sot down and talk about things since it happened because of his work schedule and mine. And the boys, this isn't something we can reasonably have a conversation about with them in the room. I need to be able to change his outlook on this. I know it wasn't a mistake and deep down I don't think he does either. I know he misses me and I know he hates the situation. I know he hates not seeing the kids for days at a time. I know he wants to be back together but he doesn't want things to be the way they were, and neither do I. Is it possible to start fresh-to honestly forgive all that has happened? I just feel I am such a different person than I was then, and I want to show him that.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

theburton3 said:


> I realize that he said he "thinks" it was a mistake. We have not had a chance to sot down and talk about things since it happened because of his work schedule and mine. And the boys, this isn't something we can reasonably have a conversation about with them in the room. I need to be able to change his outlook on this. I know it wasn't a mistake and deep down I don't think he does either. I know he misses me and I know he hates the situation. I know he hates not seeing the kids for days at a time. I know he wants to be back together but he doesn't want things to be the way they were, and neither do I. Is it possible to start fresh-to honestly forgive all that has happened? I just feel I am such a different person than I was then, and I want to show him that.



I am sorry to tell you the harsh reality of life in that you cannnot change anyone.... or their outlook.


Are you sure all these things you think he feels are not wishful thinking? as... he did say it was a mistake to sleep together !
You may have to come to grips with the reality of the situation and for your own benefit it would be best for you to NOT ASSUME ANYTHING, ESPECCIALLY HOW HE FEELS !!!


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## theburton3 (Jun 19, 2009)

He said today that he still loves me and wants nothing more than for us to be back together, but he just doesn't know if he can do it. I feel like I want to die, I'm just so lost.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

theburton3 said:


> He said today that he still loves me and wants nothing more than for us to be back together, but he just doesn't know if he can do it. I feel like I want to die, I'm just so lost.


I know and I'm so sorry 

but heres the thing... you really NEED to start dealing with the reality of things, not the hope as you have kids to think about.
I'd hate to see you get more hurt and confused if the only reason he came back was to avoid MANDATORY CHILD SUPPORT... or some other thing you maybe don't even know about yet...
or all of a sudden fall in love with someone else. You have to protect your emotional health as well as have him partake in his parental responsibilites and NOT dump it all on you. Some men string this type of situation along so the woman will not go to court and get child support determined and set up through MANDATORY PAYMNENTS.... or they want to use the kids for taxes as long as they can ( to CLAIM THEM AS DEPENDENTS) OR THEY CANNOT OR DO NOT WANT TO ACCEPT THE CHILDREN EVERY OTHER WEEKEND, BECAUSE THEY HAVE MADE OTHER PLANS... you just
never know.........
Protect yourself girl... deal with the reality of the situation and leave hope out of it for now.

You have heard the saying... better safe than sorry?
well your in one of those situations !!!
I wish you the best.. and that you make good, sensible choices based on fact... not hope.. and that you won't end up wanting to kick yourself in the butt for being so naive.

you have been seperated almost a year !!!!
it's time to look at things for what they are, not what you wish they were !


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## theburton3 (Jun 19, 2009)

I don't know if I can live with myself. I feel like I made the biggest mistake leaving. I can't look at the kids without thinking about it-I can't sleep-I dream about him every night. I think I am losing my mind over this. I can't function. I feel like I am on the verge of a complete breakdown.


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## theburton3 (Jun 19, 2009)

Preso-thank you so much for talking to me-we have already been to court and he has been making mandatory payments since January. I don't know what is wrong with me.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

theburton3 said:


> Preso-thank you so much for talking to me-we have already been to court and he has been making mandatory payments since January. I don't know what is wrong with me.


Your hurt and confused.. maybe a little scared too... 

you will get much better when you start to see things as they are and not hope so much.. its the hope thats killing you. Pray and ask God to help you look forword.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Did you have an affair? is that what started all this?


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## theburton3 (Jun 19, 2009)

No, I didn't have an affair. We just couldn't come to terms on alot of things. I was dealing with post-partum depression, I had either been nursing or pregnant for 32 out of the previous 36 months, we bought a house that needed re-habbed and were trying to live in it, alot of stressful things were happening at the time, and I didn't handle it well. I feel that I blamed alot on him that wasn't necessarily his fault, and I think it has take this long and being removed from out relationship and marriage to be able to look at the situation clearly and see what had really happened with us. I was insecure and controlling, but the more controlling i tried to be the more unhappy he was and it turned into a vicious cycle. I've been having these feelings about him for the past three months or so, and only now have I been able to discuss it with him and the first time I went over to talk to him about it-we slept together, and now this-he says he loves me and wants nothing more for our family to be back together but he doesn't want to go back to the way things were.


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## MidwestDave (Jun 18, 2009)

theburton3 said:


> No, I didn't have an affair. We just couldn't come to terms on alot of things. I was dealing with post-partum depression, I had either been nursing or pregnant for 32 out of the previous 36 months, we bought a house that needed re-habbed and were trying to live in it, alot of stressful things were happening at the time, and I didn't handle it well. I feel that I blamed alot on him that wasn't necessarily his fault, and I think it has take this long and being removed from out relationship and marriage to be able to look at the situation clearly and see what had really happened with us. I was insecure and controlling, but the more controlling i tried to be the more unhappy he was and it turned into a vicious cycle. I've been having these feelings about him for the past three months or so, and only now have I been able to discuss it with him and the first time I went over to talk to him about it-we slept together, and now this-he says he loves me and wants nothing more for our family to be back together but he doesn't want to go back to the way things were.


Hi, I sure feel a lot of sympathy for you. These are terrible decisions for anyone to make at any time in their life. I really hesitate to make glib recommendations like some people do, because everyone's situation is different, and we only know what you can post here on this little board.

But in your situation, you were both under INCREDIBLE stress, with post-partum depression and rehabbing mixed in! I am not shocked or surprised that either of you wanted out of THAT situation, that sounds like a mini-hell on earth! EVERYONE gets weird and out of control when they are put in situations like that especially when you are still trying to figure out how to deal with jobs, raising kids and all the rest!

BUT with the trauma of that nasty divorce between you it will be damned hard to patch things back up. Both of you have to be extremely careful before diving back into anything, I'd advise separation and cooling off period, THEN maybe talk about it? Of course, counseling is advised for both of you.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Is the divorce final or still pending?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

You sound as if you are in the situation my dh and I were in 16 years ago. 

We were in court three years, fighting over a 2 yo and 4 yo. We didn't have your 7 yo, but I had a 14 yo from previous marriage. We'd been married 5 years. 

When your dh slept with you and said he "didn't want t_hings to be back the way they were_..." he likely means all the turmoil and your controlling, etc.

In your circumstances, with the three young children, I believe I would ask for a "reconciliation". This is what I did, for my kids. You two were under SUCH stressful conditions, I think you two need to go into reconciliation-mediation counseling. You need to offer to CHANGE your issues, which you admit you have.

I think your marriage is worth saving, and knowing men in this situation as I do, your dh WANTS to come back, but is afraid that things won't change with you and him.

I think a good marriage counselor would be able to salvage your marriage. 

Have you been able to talk with him and tell him you'd like to try and date? We started by dating again. You two need lots of alone time to talk and get you two back on center again. 

Start figuring out how to eliminate stressors one at a time. You have three BIG stressors, that cannot be eliminated, the kids. So you two make a list of the things that are stressors, then work out ways to CHANGE those to non-stressors.

You would be surprised the things you can change to make this work. I hope he can do it. I just have an intuitive feeling you two can work this out.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

:iagree:

Great advice. Seriously consider this.

Just dont try to do it yourself without really looking into your issues together. A third party may help to give you a clearer view on what you want/need from one another.

Good luck.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

burton, i'm going through the same thing. there are times that i can't seem to get over my ex, but then there's times i can say "f*ck it, i'm done w/ him" and it never fails, when i get to the point when i think i'm over him, he does or says something that makes me question everything. i'm just sitting back now, working on myself, and waiting for him to make whatever move he finally decides on. i am done trying to get him back, it's all on him now. and if he decides he wants to come back, he is REALLY gonna have to work hard to prove he's worthy of me taking him back. and if he decides not to come back, again f*ck it, i'm done.
i think once you get to that mindset, you'll feel a hell of a lot better


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## theburton3 (Jun 19, 2009)

Thank you all for the great advice. I have an update on the situation. We talked a bit last night and I spent the night with him again. He was very receptive and warm to me. We both woke up before the kids this morning (we don't want them to be confused) and I went and picked up breakfast, they gave him his father's day card and present, and we had breakfast as a family. It was nice. We were layaing in bed and he looked at me and said "what are we doing?" and I replied "I don't know" and he said "it just feels so right." I think we may be on the right track. I do think it will take some time, and I don't think it will be easy by any means. The good news is that I no longer feel so despondant over the situation, and am a little more hopeful than I was. Thanks again to all who replied.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Burton,

Get both of you in counseling together. It sounds like he is willing and obviously you are willing or you wouldn't be here. Just remember that there will be times that he and you will question whether you can make it. You just got to believe you will. Make your self happy with yourself and that will go a long way with him but more importantly you. If you are happy with or without him, then you will be okay either way.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

Please go to a mediation team with a therapist and a lawyer. You are inviting more heartache if you don't stick with the separation and make joint plans to take care of the kids without letting the sex part intangle you. You want him back. He may want to come back, or say he does while he is getting sex, but if you want the marriage to get back on track, do not let him back into your bed without some intense counseling and planning. Otherwise the harsh divorce will seem like a cake walk.

Hope is there, but tread carefully!!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I agree sfladybug in that it's not a good idea to try to re-build a relationship and marriage from a bed.

good luck


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## theburton3 (Jun 19, 2009)

So, again he has flipped. It seems to be an hourly thing with him. I have made an appointment with a counselor, and with my doctor to talk about possibly some anti-anxiety medication to help get me through the really tough times. I have wasted another week of my life trying to fix something that he obviously doesn't want to fix. He didn't then, and he doesn't now. I just need to re-focus on what I was doing. I'm sad, and dissapointed. But I really feel that I need to move on.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Is it possible that he is involved with someone else? This wouldn't be too surprising considering that you two have been separated so long. 

If he is seeing someone else, that would likely cause his flip-flop behavior with the future of your marriage.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

theburton3 said:


> So, again he has flipped. It seems to be an hourly thing with him. I have made an appointment with a counselor, and with my doctor to talk about possibly some anti-anxiety medication to help get me through the really tough times. I have wasted another week of my life trying to fix something that he obviously doesn't want to fix. He didn't then, and he doesn't now. I just need to re-focus on what I was doing. I'm sad, and dissapointed. But I really feel that I need to move on.


I think he has someone else
and using you for sex when she is not avialble.
My direct-ness is to help you, not be mean to you

I know your suffering and I hope you make the chouice to stop the merry go round with him.
Don't be so easy for him to use at his whim....

you may need some help moving on as I'm afraid your incurabley hopeful  which is not a bad thing.. except when it involves him !
They have many self help books about moving on and letting go...
maybe you can get some from the library or amazon ?


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## theburton3 (Jun 19, 2009)

Thanks for all of your replies. I have decided I can't handle any of this. I am going to be checking myself into a hospital tomorrow morning.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

oh my god. don't do this to yourself.

I felt the same way you did (and still kinda do) but the support here is great, and the more topics/replies I read, I feel a little bit more knowledgable and empowered to hammer on.

No one should have this much power over you. But if you need help, by all means, seek it out with the knowledge that you CAN handle this, and will eventually HAVE to for the kids' sake.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

If it were me.... and this man...
he's be checking himself into a hospital ! 

lol !!!!!!!


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

do what you need to do to get better. just remember there are people that care about you and want to help you deal w/ everything


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## theburton3 (Jun 19, 2009)

Well, I went to my doctor yesterday and had a complete nervous breakdown. I was there for 4 1/2 hours, talked to a behavioral specialist, my doc, and a psychologist. They determined I have bi-polar disorder, personality disorder, and have all of the symptoms and sign of post traumatic stress disorder. They gave me medication, I saw a therapist this morning. Talking through things I realize that my disorder may have contributed to the divorce, and now I am dealing with the guilt that i have because all of this is my fault. I am waiting to be seen by a psychiatrist from the mental health facility in this area to determine if I need to be admitted or not.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

theburton3 said:


> Well, I went to my doctor yesterday and had a complete nervous breakdown. I was there for 4 1/2 hours, talked to a behavioral specialist, my doc, and a psychologist. They determined I have bi-polar disorder, personality disorder, and have all of the symptoms and sign of post traumatic stress disorder. They gave me medication, I saw a therapist this morning. Talking through things I realize that my disorder may have contributed to the divorce, and now I am dealing with the guilt that i have because all of this is my fault. I am waiting to be seen by a psychiatrist from the mental health facility in this area to determine if I need to be admitted or not.



geeeeeez
bi-polar disorder alone would be enough.
My father in laws wife has that and she is in a bad way when not on medication. 

I am wondering if the doctors are right because if you have good insurance they can find lots wrong with you.

anyways, hope the treatment helps. your mental health issue sounds severe....
I doubt it was all your fault, it was more like 50/50.

I do believe you should stop sleeping with your ex as with your mental health, you will only get more severe and confused.


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