# God



## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

Hi Guys;

This is what I say to myself daily:

"May God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change (STBXW), the courage to change the things I can (myself) and the wisdom to know the difference."

I recite this daily. It has worked. I have become more religious as a result. I talk to God alot now. I pray alot. I was not religious before, but this prayer has shown me that God has given me the strength to get through the hell of my separation.

So here's the question.

I want to accept God more in my life. I want to be saved. But there is a problem. God doesn't like divorce. I am in a situation where I filed divorce against my STBXW. Daily I go back and forth between continuing the divorce and cxling the divorce. 

My marriage is over. I don't want to be with the STBXW. She has changed into a monster. I don't want to be with a monster. I pray for a miracle that she will change. I don't want to wait the rest of my life waiting for my STBXW to change. I want to move on. I want to let go. I want to divorce.

This goes contrary to "God's law." The bible says that divorce is a sin. It seems that a majority of advice in TAM (in this section in general) is geared toward self and moving on. Separation and divorce are common themes. It is my theme. 

So now I am faced with a dilemma. I want to embrace Christianity; God; Jesus. But my marriage is over. I most likely will be divorcing. Divorce goes against God's law.

Also, some of the bible literature read says I need to "fight for my marriage." Well, when I fought for my marriage. I fought the wrong way and I ended up pushing her away. I can't fight for my marriage anymore. I have to chill and do the 180/NC. The STBXW is definitely not fighting for the marriage. I especially like MA's avatar; "If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not you'll find an excuse." The STBXW is the latter. Not fighting for the marriage at all. 

Any advice? Will I be eternally damned if I choose to divorce my STBXW? I don't want to go back to her. The marriage is over.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

boxhead201 said:


> Hi Guys;
> 
> This is what I say to myself daily:
> 
> ...


That is not necessarily true. I will reply later when i have a moment. Yes he hates divorce but he also doesnt like you to be treated badly. Will explain after i get my son off to school.

Hang in there and keep loving the Lord
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

I usually don't speak freely about my faith but your post really spoke to me this morning. I've also had some conflicted feelings about my own divorce for the same reason, my faith and that God hates divorce. But then I read that divorce when one spouse has been sinned against or where the other spouse was unfaithful is acceptable, and it's also acceptable if the other spouse is a non-believer. My STBXH is a non-believer so I fit that part if not the first (I still don't know for certain if he's having an A or not). 

Mostly, though, God knows our hearts and knows you didn't wish for this to happen. You never went into your marriage expecting to divorce. He also loves us, sin and all, much like we love our own children even when they do something they shouldn't. He sent His only son to die for our sins so that we would not perish for them. Of course, that's not to say we can just sin and sin again, but as long as your heart is in the right place, we are all just works in progress and He knows that. No one is sin-free. Each person has at least one sinful thought a day and most of us many more!  God knew we could never be held to such perfect standards as the flawed human beings that we are. 

I know God is holding me right now. I've prayed and prayed for strength because I am having such a difficult time with NC and letting go. I know it's the best thing for me, yet I'm still (if I'm being honest) longing for my STBXH to come back and say he made a mistake and doesn't want any of this. It's heartbreaking. There's a Bible verse that says something like God is close to the brokenhearted and binds their wounds. I have been clinging to that. Our prayers aren't always answered in the way WE want them to be. God knows our whole plan; we only know part of it. I had been telling people to pray for my STBXH, that God might soften his heart so he returns to his family. Then a friend said something to me that really made me think. She said, "Did you ever think maybe God is trying to save YOU from even worse pain yet to come with your STBXH?" No, I hadn't thought that way because I was (still) too busy worrying about him rather than myself. That gave me a little peace because there are some people that harden their hearts to God (reprobate) no matter how many chances they are given for redemption. It's true that there's a good chance if my STBXH stays on that path, there could've been even worse pain and heartbreak in my kids' and my future with him. 

Sometimes the hardest part of having faith is having faith.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

You owe yourself a happy life. What we get from the bible are a lot of loopholes, but it really boils down to this, you can't stay in a marriage where the two of you aren't one body in God. The causes of that are wide and varied but the end result is a marriage that doesn't full fill the meaning of marriage. I've heard a lot of sermons on faith and marriage in the last year and they have all said that same thing. You should also remember what a marriage ceremony is, a public affirmation to a private commitment. If you and your wife aren't able to be together due to deep wounds between you, God does not want that to remain. Sin of any kind is equal in the eyes of God. That is why fundementalist Christians who hate Gays due to Sin are tripping balls. God is displeased their judgement and hate just as much as any Sin related to being homosexual. Sin exists in all of us God isn't happy about any of it but he knows your heart and desires. If you strive to overcome your Sin and move closer to him that is what he desires. One thing you should be aware of is blaming your wife and holding to the pain she has caused you and you have caused her also separates you from God. It is also in itself a Sin.


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

Any more thoughts on this? 

I am still really conflicted about it. I have to divorce my wife. Not out of anger. But I have to move on and let go. We are not of one flesh and have not been for quite some time. I am treated with neglect and disrespect. I have not been happy in this marriage for quite some time. We have been separated for 3 1/2 months now and it seems to me R is not in sight. She has made no attempt to fix the marriage. NO ATTEMPT. She goes out with her friends all the time. She is full of excuses. I cannot move on and let go while still married to her. I want to divorce her and move on with my life. I am conflicted about this. Should I swallow my pride and allow myself to be treated this way? I feel like I am not surrendering to God's will by proceeding with the divorce. I feel like I am not letting God try and fix the marriage. I feel like I am going against God. The C told me that if I was going against God's will, God will stop me. So does this mean what I am doing is right? Wrong?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I meant to respond to this earlier. 

Here are just a few examples that it is not necessarily true that God just prohibits divorce. I will post more as it comes to mind. The following are from the old testament. I am assuming when you speak of God and being saved you are referring to Christianity. 

Genesis 2:24: Leaving and cleaving: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." The key words in this verse are "leave," "cleave," and "one flesh." This describes the typical sequence of events leading to a normal heterosexual marriage. The term "one flesh" has sometimes been used to imply that marriage is forever. However, Paul uses the same phrase in Corinthians 6:6 to describe a man engaging in sexual activity with a prostitute -- hardly an indissoluble relationship. We can conclude that Genesis 2 is silent on the matter of divorce and subsequent remarriage. I assume you are not out there engaging in sexually activity. 


Deuteronomy 24:1-2 Divorce and remarriage: "When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife." Divorce was a practice that had been imported by the ancient Hebrews from adjacent Middle-Eastern Pagan cultures, where it was a universal custom, along with slavery and polygyny. This passage allowed a man to divorce his wife (or wives). She was then free to remarry another man. However, it did not allow a woman to divorce her husband. It is unclear what the term "uncleanness" means. Presumably it does not mean that she had committed adultery, because then she would have been executed by stoning. If your wife has made no attempts to fix the marriage and continues in behavior of going out with friends and living a single life then she is being "Unclean". Remember that does not necessarily mean adultry for as it is written in the bible, if she was commiting adultry as the verse refers to, the consequences back then was stoning. 

The passage does not approve of divorce. It remains an unfortunate personal failure for the couple involved. God's ideal pattern for marriage is that it be permanent. If God approves of an individual divorce, it is only because it is the least-worse option to a couple whose marriage has failed. She, your wife, is showing your marriage has failed. You are willing to fix it....she is not.



Ezra 9:1-2: Religious intolerance -- requiring couples in mixed-marriages to divorce: "...The people of Israel, and the priests, and the Levites, have not separated themselves from the people of the lands, doing according to their abominations, even of the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Jebusites, the Ammonites, the Moabites, the Egyptians, and the Amorites. For they have taken of their daughters for themselves, and for their sons: so that the holy seed have mingled themselves with the people of those lands: yea, the hand of the princes and rulers hath been chief in this trespass." Ezra was a scribe who had led a small group of Jews from exile in Babylon back to Jerusalem. He found that many Jews had entered into inter-faith marriages with women from nearby Pagan countries. He felt that if these marriages continued, the Jewish people would quickly lose their national identity and start to worship other Gods. He ordered the marriages terminated. It is probable that the Hebrew men remarried within their religion and remarried. Otherwise, they would have no additional children to help restore the Jewish national identity. 
Malachi 2:10: Religious intolerance -- requiring couples in mixed-marriages to separate: "Judah hath dealt treacherously, and an abomination is committed in Israel and in Jerusalem; for Judah hath profaned the holiness of the LORD which he loved, and hath married the daughter of a strange god." Malachi is faced with the same problem as Ezra, described above. Jewish males were marrying foreign women who followed different religions. "Daughter of a strange god" refers to a foreign woman who worshiped a Pagan deity or deities rather than Yahweh. In Verse 12, he predicted that God would "cut off" (that is, murder) any man who remained in a mixed marriage. Again, it was probable that the Hebrew men remarried women within their faith. Remember you are wanting to be "Saved". If your spouse is not in that frame of mind which I doubt if she is not wanting to reconcile and out there living singlely then she is not being a Christian. A Christian is more than saying you are Christian and running to church. To be a Christian you truly accept Jesus Christ as your one and only Savior. It means to truly be Christ Like. There is another passage that I would have to do some digging but it essentially says if your spouse does not accept Jesus Christ as their Savior, you can leave your spouse. I will try and find it and post it.



Malachi 2:14-16: Divorce is treacherous behavior: "... the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant....let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away..." Malachi is condemning Hebrew men for abandoning their wives after many years of loyal marriage, presumably so that he could marry a young, more attractive woman. Malaci quotes God as saying that he hates putting away one's wife (i.e. divorce). This is the only place in the Hebrew Scriptures where God condemns divorce. God "was speaking of divorces motivated by lust, divorces that involved abandonment of women who had been faithful, loving partners though years of married life." 4 He was not referring to divorce generally. 
Is your wife really acting as a faithful, loving partner?


I highly recommend Divorce Care. It is a Christian based program for people going through Separation or Divorce. They can also teach you more than I about the meaning behind the bible and divorce as they are trained professionals. If you google Divorce Care, it will bring you to their main website. You can search for churches in your area that sponsor the program. I highly recommend it. It will put you in touch with good Godly people. It will put you in touch with people much better and more scholorly in the bible and Christianity than I to answer these questions you have.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

This is the passage about if you want to fully become a Christian....not just say you are Christian but truly become "Saved" and she "your wife" does not, you have the option to divorce.

1 Corinthians 7:10-15: Special case where an unbeliever wants a divorce: "But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace." It covers the situation where a believer is married to a non-Christian, and the non-Christian insists on a divorce. Paul writes that if a Christian is deserted, that they are no longer bound by the marriage vows. They are unmarried and free to remarry in the future


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

If it had not been for my faith in the Lord, I could never have gotten through the past six years. It really does make a difference. 

Sorry I haven't read your other posts. Did your wife cheat? If so, there is no problem with a divorce. Although God does not like divorce, he is a loving and forgiving God. You may want to read _Hope for the Separated_ by Gary Chapman. The book really helps deal with separation from a religious perspective.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Read the BIBLE! Truly read it and ask God for wisdom before you do so. Knowledge will come to you. It is really an amazing tool....one of God's many gifts to man. Even if you don't understand things....read it anyway as the knowledge will eventually come to you either in another passage or from your learning and discovery of Christianity.

Incidently, I was baptised as an infant Catholic and raised Catholic but not strictly. It was not until this past year that I feel I have been "Savied". It just happened. I cannot explain the transformation but until you are truly "Saved", you are not Christian. It has been this Saving that I am finally experiencing God's grace. I cannot explain it but if you truly want to be "Saved" it will come to you and you will understand these feeling that I write. Also, my redemption has not come to me through a priest or even a Catholic Church but through a Baptist man. So you see God doesn't put emphasis on what Christian based religion you follow....it is based on the teachings of Jesus Christ which is in the bible. I highly recommend starting with John in the bible. 

I will pray for you today.


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

My wife had an EA. She WAW'd me. I have been a faithful good husband. She discarded me like a piece of trash. She is a believer too.

I am reading the bible. I talk to god daily. I went and prayed at church tonight because I have forsaken god. I am unable to fully surrender to him. I still want to control the outcome of my marriage. I am begging for strength and to be released from this pain.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

boxhead201 said:


> My wife had an EA. She WAW'd me. I have been a faithful good husband. She discarded me like a piece of trash. She is a believer too.


 
She can believe what she wants and say what she wants but a true "Saved" Christian is not one that cheats or discards your spouse. You find me one passage where Jesus Christ says you can cheat in that bible and I will take back my word. I can point out many versus where adultry is NOT ok and is immediate grounds for divorce.

Keep praying and worshiping. God works on his time, not yours. If you truly believe....God will answer your prayers.


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## Patrick1959 (Jul 16, 2012)

Boxhead

You are still in the early stages of a long process and you are getting stronger. You are not divorced yet and there is much more for you to work through. Sure divorce is a terrible thing, so is the emotional infidelity of your wife and her neglect and abuse. Presently reconciliation will not work with where you are now and who your wife presently is. In time your change may affect a change in her and perhaps in the future, who you become may have a future with, who she becomes as a result of the work she so far has neglected. 

What is the urgency to divorce; can this take a lower priority while you continue working through the damage caused by the years of being in an emotionally abusive relationship? You need to seek forgiveness and learn to love yourself; this will take some time. Eventually you will need to work on the even greater challenge of learning to forgive your wife whether you reconcile or remain estranged. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8King James Version (KJV)
3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

It seems that most of the problems started with moving to HK. I read an article recently that described what you are experiencing and the author blamed this on a culture that has altered demographics with more men than available women. I have also have a friend who has a son who married a Chinese woman; when they visited China he sensed that many Chinese men didn’t like seeing his son with a Chinese wife. I’m not sure if he was being hypersensitive and I’m not sure that Chinese culture has created a climate that gives Chinese women a social advantage over men. Regardless is is there any opportunities to leave HK and if so would that change the dynamics of your family situation?

You may find the CS Lewis book the 4 Loves helpful, below are some quotes that may help. You are getting several good responses regarding theology; I wanted to give you something else to focus on as well. 

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves 

“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world....No doubt pain as God's megaphone is a terrible instrument; it may lead to final and unrepented rebellion. But it gives the only opportunity the bad man can have for amendment. it removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of the rebel soul.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Patrick1959 said:


> Boxhead
> 
> 
> What is the urgency to divorce; can this take a lower priority while you continue working through the damage caused by the years of being in an emotionally abusive relationship? You need to seek forgiveness and learn to love yourself; this will take some time. Eventually you will need to work on the even greater challenge of learning to forgive your wife whether you reconcile or remain estranged.


Great advice Boxhead from Patrick. It has been 20 months for me and I am finally at my decision. It came to me on its own. Keep working on yourself and try not to focus on the future with her. You need to get a life yourself and if it works out it will be a bonus and if not, you will have developed a life. Either way you will win out. Believe me, I truly know how hard this is. I really do. I know it is also very hard to push yourself but if you continue concentrating on growing spiritually, I promise you will find peace. 

Listen to this when you have time. It has got me through many dark days. Remember...it is in his time and for good reason.

While I'm Waiting - John Waller (With Lyrics) - YouTube


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Jesus Christ Himself permits divorce in the case of marital infidelity:

Matthew 19:
3Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

4“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’a 5and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’b? 6So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

7“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

8Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

My wife left me and after 1.5 years of waiting and trying I finally filed for divorce 3 months ago. I too believe in God and had very deep reservations about divorcing my wife and going against God's will for my marriage. The passages below have brought me comfort with my decision. 

In my opinion, after some study and contemplation, if your wife left you then she is not a believer; she is ignoring God's explicit charge not to leave her husband.

"To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?"

(1 Corinthians 7:10-16 ESV)

I felt contentment after I followed the guidance in Matthew 18.

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

(Matthew 18:15-20 ESV)

The two books below are both good but if you get only one get the first one.

Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities: David Instone-Brewer: 9780830833740: Amazon.com: Books

Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse,Adultery and Desertion: Barbara Roberts: 9780980355345: Amazon.com: Books

I wish you luck and hope you find contentment with your decision. I also respect you for how much weight and consideration you are giving this decision. It is refreshing to me to see in today's society of disposable marriage. I will pray for you tonight.


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## Krimple (Aug 27, 2012)

I have been in the same boat as far as religion is concerned. I don't want to displease God, but am experiencing a lot of pain in my marriage.

I am currently separated and have no idea what the next step is, but I was trying everything I could to make it work based on performance and trying to uphold "the law". Doing that seemed to just build up anger and resentment which made things worse. My wife has told me that I am probably going to hell because it is so obvious to her that I'm not following Him if I feel this way. And for a while, I almost believed that. It was devastating.

Do I currently believe that I am going to hell? No. Do I think that God's will is for us to stay together? Yes. Does he expect us to be perfect? Absolutely not! If salvation was something we could have done to earn, there would be no reason for Him to send His son to die for our sins.

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the rules. I don't think God looks at rules. I think He looks at people, and wants to love them. Sometimes things don't work out, sometimes we fall. But God provides grace.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Your posting really hit me where I live. I have come to understand that I have been in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage for years. Many on this forum have encouraged, cajoled and practically told me to divorce. But I haven't yet for one simple reason: I was raised to believe that God hates divorce and he will damn me to hell if I divorce my wife.

But I have been doing a lot of reading and studying about what the Bible says about divorce. And the answer is much more complex than just saying things like "God hates divorce." (Which is a misinterpretation of that verse, actually)

A lot of my thinking in this area has been influenced by Barbara Roberts' "Not Under Bondage." (Available on Amazon, and also at Not Under Bondage). Her research if far too complex to go into here, but her basic thesis is this: The Bible talks about two broad types of divorce: (1) treacherous divorce, or (2) disciplinary divorce. A treacherous divorce is someone who leaves a good marriage because he's having a fling with the secretary and wants to marry her. A disciplinary divorce is one in which there is abuse, adultery, or addiction and the innocent party has no choice but to divorce in order to protect themselves. The type of divorce God hates is the treacherous kind. 

So many churches get this wrong because they read the Biblical verses in a very legalistic manner, without understanding the context with which they were written. Roberts gives an example in her book of a woman who was married to an auto mechanic. He wanted out of the marriage, but wanted to remain respectable in the eyes of the church. So he sabotaged her car brakes in an attempt to kill her and make it look like an accident. Fortunately, she discovered it in time. But when she went to her church elders, they said she must remain with him because he had not committed adultery. What kind of church (or God?) would demand that a wife continue to live with someone who had tried to kill her, just because he had not inserted his penis into another woman's vagina? Sorry to get crude, but that's the bottom line, isn't it? Is the church saying that sex outside of marriage is the unpardonable sin, but attempted murder is OK? Does this sound logical at all?

I was also incredibly disturbed to read the comments from one of the pastors from Rick Warren's Saddleback Community Church. He basically said that spouses in abusive relationships could separate, but were not permitted to divorce unless there was adultery. He even went on to say that in cases of physical abuse, there had to be a pattern, not just a case of where the husband "grabbed you once." I'm afraid these kinds of comments can either chase abused spouses away from the church, or else they can make people feel trapped in situations when God really wants to set them free.

Or how about this gem from a former pastor of mine: He literally told me it was my duty to stay, and to even become a "human punching bag" (his exact words) if that's what it took. Fortunately, my wife's abuse never got physical (yet). But I shudder to think that he might be giving similar advice to women who were being physically abused. That could literally get some victims killed!

Paul says in I Corinthians 5:11 "....not to keep company with anyone named a brother who is a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner - with such a person do not even eat." This teaches us that if a fellow Christian consistently manifests these behaviors, we are to treat them as if they are not believers. Notice "reviler" is included. A "reviler" is defined as someone who uses abusive language or behaves abusively.

I Corinthians 7:15, Paul says (in the context of marriage) if an unbeliever departs, we should let them. In my own situation, even though I physically "departed," I believe my wife emotionally "departed" years earlier. She forbid me to touch her, even to hold her hand or put my arm around her in church. We haven't had sex for over 18 months. We were in separate rooms for over a year until I moved out. For a short while, she even forbid me to be in her bedroom when she was out of town, deeming it a "violation of her sanctuary." (I kid you not) She actually told me she had a hard time sleeping in "her" room because she could still "feel" my presence in it and it annoyed her. 

Yes, I was the one who moved out. But by her intolerable behavior, she literally made me feel as if I had been driven out. We had been living under the same roof, but she had abandoned me long before I moved out.

So.....a verbally abusive person (a reviler) is to be treated as if they are an unbeliever. And the Bible says if the unbeliever departs (and I believe this means emotionally, as well), we should let them. So putting all this together....doesn't it seem as if God would allow divorce if a spouse's abusive behavior ends up destroying the God-given gift of marriage?

Or to put it another way: What grieves God more? The death of a relationship, or the legal decree that formally declares the reality that has existed for a long time? Because there are a lot of marriages out there (mine included) which are marriages on paper only. The intimacy and respect and tenderness that God created marriage for is long gone. What's left is the shell of a relationship, a legal technicality. Do you think God is honored when a relationship is dead but the legal technicality still remains?

I think the church needs to quit thinking of the marriage bonds as unbreakable. When a bowl is unbreakable, we abuse it more. We think nothing of kicking it around the floor. Bouncing it off walls. Basically abusing it. But when we have a breakable piece of find china, we cherish and protect it. Is it possible that over the years, too many Christians have taken their marriage too much for granted simply due to the fact that they see their marriage as unbreakable? 

I believe God's original intent was for marriage to last forever. But God's original intent was also for us to live forever in an earthly paradise, and for us to never get cancer, and for war to never happen.

I think I'm coming to understand....and it's taken me MONTHS to get here....that God expects us to do our best. But when staying with someone becomes destructive to us - either from adultery, or abuse, or addiction - then God permits a divorce. God is far more interested in the persons in a marriage than he is in the institution.

There are a few other websites that you might find helpful:

Divorce & Remarriage - Scripture in Context (I found a brief paper called the "Whitefield Briefing" especially helpful)

Danimoss’s Weblog

godswordtowomen.org (don't let the title fool you...there are a lot of good perspectives on there for Christians of BOTH genders)

Good luck! I'll be praying for you. And for me. We both need a lot of divine wisdom!


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Krimple said:


> I have been in the same boat as far as religion is concerned. I don't want to displease God, but am experiencing a lot of pain in my marriage.
> 
> I am currently separated and have no idea what the next step is, but I was trying everything I could to make it work based on performance and trying to uphold "the law". Doing that seemed to just build up anger and resentment which made things worse. My wife has told me that I am probably going to hell because it is so obvious to her that I'm not following Him if I feel this way. And for a while, I almost believed that. It was devastating.
> 
> ...


If you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior....you are NOT going to hell. You are not going to hell because God gave us his only son to die for us in order to forgive our sins. So as the bible says....if you believe this, you are Saved because of what Christ did for us.

Great 3rd paragraph!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

We sin everyday, to hold one sin above another is something you need not do.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Traggy said:


> We sin everyday, to hold one sin above another is something you need not do.


 
It wasn't until I was able to forgive myself that I learned the true meaning of that statement you just made.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Priorities

1. Commit to God. 

2. Work through your marriage issue.

Don't reject God because of where your marriage is right now.


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the helpful responses here.

I need to figure out how to "chill."

I have been full of anger and rage the past couple of days. I thought I was over the anger issue. Guess not.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow to see if I need to be on any meds.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I went a almost 2 years with those rollercoaster of emotions. I can tell you, it wasn't until anger finally set in that my mind set started changing. Anger is ok. Even Jesus showed it at times (story about when he was in the temple and got mad). 

I found that patience is a key to healing. Let your feelings take place but don't let them take over you. You will most likely go back and forth hundreds of times before you can take control of them. 

Have you looked into the Divorce Care classes in your area? They are for both separated and people going through divorce. They are extremely helpful and it will improve your relationship with God and help you to heal. Google it....I'm sure there will be a church somewhere that offeres it in your area. It helped me probably more than any therapy or drugs I used to help myself. 

Praying for you today.


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