# My traditional chinese wife



## china (May 12, 2011)

hello,
I am originally from china, but born and grew up in the uk.

In university i met and fell in love with my lovely wife, whom i love with all my heart. However unlike me, she came to the Uk the first time from china and learnt to speak english here.

Our relationship was beautiful, until after we graduated and got married and have 2 lovely kids.

MY PROBLEM.
We both have jobs and took out a mortgage, however.

1. she doesnt like to cook or domestic duties ( which i feel its ok ) as we share them

2. But what is tearing our marriage apart, is she is selfish with her salary, she does not contribute to anything in the house, and feels its a man's duty to take care of his wife and pay all bills ( including the mortgage ) which am struggling with. 

3. And she just sends money back to china to her mother monthly.

She says, her mother gave her close to £50,000 to school in the UK. which covered her tution for undergrad and msc, and now its time to repay her mom.

4. She lost her father when she was 8.

Is this fair ? As its tearing us apart.

Apart from the 2nd above, we love each other.

please advice


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## boxer (Apr 30, 2011)

If your wife believes in sharing chores and working outside the home, then it is not unreasonable to expect her to share in the bills.

Did you know about all the money that was loaned to your wife when you met her? 

This is why it's not worth it for a man to get married, even to a so called "traditional" woman. Tradition is whatever parts benefit the woman, and the other parts of tradition that benefitted the man are usually thrown out and you'll be shamed and told you're abusive if you want to keep all the tradition. Tradition is only what's good for her.

If it was me, I would divorce her and just move on. Do what you must, though. Good luck brother.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

china said:


> hello,
> I am originally from china, but born and grew up in the uk.
> 
> In university i met and fell in love with my lovely wife, whom i love with all my heart. However unlike me, she came to the Uk the first time from china and learnt to speak english here.
> ...


It doesn't sound fair me....but I don't come from the Chinese culture - I don't know how things work within it. 

It's my understanding that your wife's debt to her mother became your debt as well when you married eachother (morally). So with that in mind it would seem more fair to me that you and your wife share responsibility for all bills and debts while allowing enough money left over to make your life comfortable as well as banking into a savings/investment account.

Maybe a trip to a financial adviser would help your wife see that it's possible to share your income in a way that includes repaying the debt to her mother as well as covering all the other living expenses in an budgeted way.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

china said:


> hello,
> I am originally from china, but born and grew up in the uk.
> 
> In university i met and fell in love with my lovely wife, whom i love with all my heart. However unlike me, she came to the Uk the first time from china and learnt to speak english here.
> ...


Hi,

A couple of thoughts spring to mind:

- From what you said, is it right to assume things started to go bad after 1-3 years? If so, google the relationship cycle. It may be enlightening.

- Are you 'financially' struggling with the bills or 'emotionally'? If emotionally, then while I agree it is unfair of her to demand you take care of everything, you are only in control of what you bring to marriage and you cannot change her by words alone. I feel a marriage is about fulfilling each other's needs, so have you considered acquiescing to her requests with love and dedication? You can't change her beliefs, this is what she believes is 'right'. If you stand by your opinion of what is 'right' then you will only butt heads for the rest of your marriage. From a 3rd party point of view I do believe you are right, but for a successful marriage to work in the long run sometimes you have to give up being 'right' and love her (Love being a verb in my vocabulary). So, you can either a) Stick by your belief of what is 'right' and nothing will change in your relationship, or b) Realize that you cannot change your spouses beliefs with words and acquiesce, despite the unreasonableness of her wishes in your eyes. Mort Fertel said something once that continues to stick with me: "When you do something for your spouse and cannot comprehend why she needed it done then that is truly loving a person because it didn't make sense to you. You have truly gotten inside your spouse and understood her needs."

I hope that helps you somewhat


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