# I need help with my marriage



## 2sweet (Jul 21, 2011)

I have been married for 12yrs and we have 5 kids together,recently he caught me text flirting with another guy he went off and he was very upset so we sat down and had a long talk about been truthful with each other so he gave me his password to his email and i gave him my and when i check his he was chating with some women from his job and he was saying he love her and think about her all the time so we had a long talk about that he said that is didnt love her and he wants thing to work out so we can move to the next level in are marriage so i said ok lets forgive each other and move on, so yesterday i was on my facebook and one of my exboyfriend just me how was i doing and if i was married and i said im good and yes i am married and i been married for 12yr and he said wow im happy for u the he say im looking and your profile pic and u still look sexy and i said thanx then he said well im coming to Cali next month and i think we should see each other n person and i said ok, and my husband read all of this and he is very mad and he said that hes not going to leave but that we can only b friends and hes not going to have sex with me anymore and then he said dont call your mom and dad and tell them what going but its hard for me not to cause i feel i mess up and i dont know what to do is he just saying this cuz hes mad right now i dont know what to think cuz i do love my husband and i dont want to give myself to someone else please someone help me?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You say you love your husband and don't want to give yourself to anyone else - can you see how your actions send the opposite signal to your husband? Given that you and your husband have both had issues with online flirting I would say that agreeing to meet an old boyfriend in person is a very serious error in judgement on your part - sorry to be flatfooted but that's how I see it. Regardless of your intentions in agreeing to meet the Ex, it is not a good or healthy thing, Ex's need to be left in the past. 

You need to figure out why you responded to the overtures from the Ex, you may need marriage or individual counseling to do that. You also need to apologize to your husband, if I were him I be pretty upset to. Give him a little time to calm down and talk to him. Make him believe that you love him and don't want to give yourself to anyone else.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes husbands react when our wives "flirt" with other guys... these reactions will vary, some get defensive, some angry, some just step up their game, etc. You should understand all this before you go and flirt.

Sometimes a little harmless flirting is ok, but you are on a very slippery slope where it concerns talking with an ex, and AGREEING TO GO ON A DATE WITH HIM?! shut it down fast and block the xbf because it is the start of an emotional affair and will cause irrepairable damage and all but destroy any chance your marriage has to succeed.

Now as to HIS story... WHA!!? Telling a co-worker he loves her? In what context? It seems like maybe he is trying to use the shame and guilt you have about flirting by trying to offload his guilt and shame about his CHEATING. There is no other reason he would so easily give over his password unless he didn't think you'd check it. Honestly though, except for starting down a treacherous path it doesn't sound like you've put the marriage in peril, but if he is having an emotional or physical affair with someone else he is the one that killed the marriage you thought you had. If he is having an A, he is in "the fog" and can't see past his own selfish and convincing emotions and you definitely can't reason with him, so you need to decide if you want to work on the marriage or not, and you need to be ready to let him go unless he too is committed.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

:iagree:
Good points - I forgot to address the husband cheating and the ILY's. Certainly sounds like an EA.


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## 2sweet (Jul 21, 2011)

@Lon thanks for the input that really help me out,I told him that he need to get over it because i have been tho hell and back with u and i never said that i was leaving and that if u love her so much u need to b with her not me and he said that he whats to make r marriage work so we will see,I ask him about this woman and he told me that she is a work hoe and her is now fooling around with the super and it made me start thinking that i hope cuz she dont want him anymore he start to realize that he as a good wife at home r he feel bad and thats y he was treating me good i want to ask him did he brake it off r did she


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> he say im looking and your profile pic and u still look sexy and i said thanx then he said well im coming to Cali next month and i think we should see each other n person and i said ok


I don't understand. You're married, and you still want to meet him anyway... your crazy, if you think its O.K.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

2sweet said:


> @Lon thanks for the input that really help me out,I told him that he need to get over it because i have been tho hell and back with u and i never said that i was leaving and that if u love her so much u need to b with her not me and he said that he whats to make r marriage work so we will see,I ask him about this woman and he told me that she is a work hoe and her is now fooling around with the super and it made me start thinking that i hope cuz she dont want him anymore he start to realize that he as a good wife at home r he feel bad and thats y he was treating me good i want to ask him did he brake it off r did she


The details of your H's relationship with his affair partner are not really what's of importance... He cheated, and it sounds recently. I'm not sure if you've carried out a revenge affair or not (hopefully you decided not to, and that you focus your energy on deciding if your marriage is repairable or not).

I think at this point you should be asking yourself if you even want to give him the gift of reconciling, you may both be better off by cutting your losses, moving on and learning from this experience. However if you both are really committed to each other and the marriage it is always possible but it will be a LOT of work, and if he hasn't been willing to work on it before he will be resentful about the work he has to do to earn your trust back.

And honestly, with 5 kids I can't understand how either of you have the time in your schedule to be having affairs, maybe you should both be focussing all that time on raising your kids, and if the home is broken they are probably better off not being stuck in the middle of your unhealthy relationship so a divorce wouldn't be the worst thing for them. Also if he has had sex with someone else you both need to get tested for STD's.

And good luck to you, I'm wishing you the strength to get through this!


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