# Anyone else? Low tolerance for BS?



## DawnD

Yes, you can all laugh at me! I am so very tired of all the BS that came with my marriage that I have very limited tolerance for it in my dating life. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since August of 2014. (He has not met my children, I am pretty particular about keeping it that way for a while). He was married to a very strict Catholic woman for about 8 years. So our personal sex life has been new and exciting for him. She ended up cheating on him while he was wounded during his deployment to Iraq, so I don't think she was nearly as inexperienced as she claimed, she just didn't want to be that girl for him. 

He had joked with me about a threesome once or twice and I made it clear I was not interested and will not be interested in that. Today he kept pushing me on the issue, and I finally just snapped and said "Hey, walk away and find a girl that will give that to you, but don't come back". Immediately I got the " I won't ever bring it up again!" reply, but I just don't have to energy to deal with that kind of crap. That is one of my few sexual boundaries, I am happy to explore and try things outside of bringing another person/people in to the situation. Does anyone else find themselves being.......over it? haha. best way I can describe it. I would happily let him go, no problem so he can pursue that with someone else, but it won't be me and he won't be welcomed back. That is just how it is. Am I just losing my ever loving mind? He was hurt that I was that quick to walk away, but I was annoyed that he kept bringing up something he knew I was not into.


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## EleGirl

DawnD said:


> That is just how it is. Am I just losing my ever loving mind? He was hurt that I was that quick to walk away, but I was annoyed that he kept bringing up something he knew I was not into.


You have a very healthy attitude. Don't lose it.

What you can tell him is that you have strong boundaries. It's not that you are quick to walk away from him. It's that you will not allow anyone put push you to break your own boundaries.

If he cannot accept that.. then I agree with you. He can walk. 

I bet that there are boundaries that he will not cross even for you. Would he beat someone up for you just because? Would he steal for you?


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## DawnD

I felt a little bad about being so blunt, but I do think he was pushing to see if I would eventually agree. I have no problems with anyone that likes that type of thing, I am just not down with it. 

We talked a little tonight. I explained that if he needs that then he should go and find someone on that same page. He insists he doesn't NEED it he is just interested by it. So I told him he will either have to drop it or I have to walk away. He has stopped, but I am feeling less attracted to him, and told him that.


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## *LittleDeer*

I think you dealt with him in an excellent manner. I would have been upset that he kept pushing the issue, and wondering why he thought it would be OK to treat me like that. 
I would also wonder if we had similar enough values for a relationship to work.


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## DawnD

Littledeer I think that is where my attraction to him comes in. He has been nothing but considerate and caring to this point. But after this discussion I am less attracted to him. I did voice that to him and he now gets that his being pushy completely turns me off and that it could potentially end our relationship.


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## EleGirl

I think that it's not just him being pushy.

It's also that he thought that you would consider a 3-some, most likely because you are more sexual than his ex.

So he's in happy land thinking anything goes. you just brought him down to earth.


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## DawnD

I wondered that too Elegirl. Maybe I'm tired of it just in general. I am very sexual, high drive and like to keep it fun. What is this obsession with threesomes that so many men have these days? I just don't get it.


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## EleGirl

DawnD said:


> I wondered that too Elegirl. Maybe I'm tired of it just in general. I am very sexual, high drive and like to keep it fun. What is this obsession with threesomes that so many men have these days? I just don't get it.


Maybe he's watched too many 3somes in porn.

It's the sex as a sport syndrome where they have to try any and every thing. It becomes more about checking a bucket list and making love.

Most people cannot handle 3somes. When a couple does try it.. it often ends the relationship. We are not wired to handle that very well.


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## GA HEART

Offer him a threesome.....you and him.....with another guy. See what he says to THAT! LOL!

Honestly, this was something that came up in my last relationship as well. And I felt much like you did. If I am in a REALTIONSHIP with someone, it just doesnt appeal to me. And feel like my significant other should respect me and value me enough to ONLY want me. Because that's how I feel about them. No wonder it turns you off. 

P.S. I DID offer my exBF the opportunity to do a threesome with another guy instead (not really meaning it, but to see what he would say.) And he SAID OK!!! As long as we could do one with another girl later. Um.....no. We are no longer together. Not for that reason, but it was probably a symptom of the bigger problem.


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## Married but Happy

Good for you for enforcing your boundaries. On the other hand, it sounds like you're not that into him, so let him go anyway. You can both do better.


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## EnjoliWoman

I get the less BS thing. I was contacted by a guy I used to date and we went out again. The issues that I had perceived as problematic before no longer existed. And it was so nice to have the door opened, slide into a new 7-series BMW, go to a high end restaurant with a man in a sports coat... I was getting weak. (It gets tiresome always being in charge.) But then the following weak he demonstrated that he wasn't listening to me. I had told him the same thing 3 times. Finally I just realized that we had both become each other's backup plan when nothing better had materialized over the 6 years apart and I didn't want to settle. 

BUT I don't think this situation is not putting up with BS - it was enforcing a boundary. When someone repeatedly "jokes" about something, there is usually more to it. He was definitely feeling out your reaction and you had to put an end to it. I can see how this really turned you off. I would be, too.


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## Pluto2

Maybe he was just a sexual expedition, but it bothers me that when you spoke with him he said he doesn't need it, that he's just interested in it. And that came after he brought it up more than once and you told him no. So it almost seems like he remains interested in something he knows you are not. Could be nothing, could be something.


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## 5Creed

I love your response DawnD! You laid it on the line right away for him. Who has time to mess around with s*** like that? Life is too short and if he doesn't like it; then he can walk. You go girl!


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## SamuraiJack

DawnD said:


> I felt a little bad about being so blunt, but I do think he was pushing to see if I would eventually agree. I have no problems with anyone that likes that type of thing, I am just not down with it.
> 
> We talked a little tonight. I explained that if he needs that then he should go and find someone on that same page. He insists he doesn't NEED it he is just interested by it. So I told him he will either have to drop it or I have to walk away. He has stopped, but I am feeling less attracted to him, and told him that.


This was the male version of a sh1t test.
...combined with a little "kid in a candy store" mentality.

You did good.
Dont feel bad for respecting yourself. 

As for low tolerance for peoples stupid stuff...I can agree 100%.
I walked on a many women who just didnt have it together enough for me to be interested...without risk.

Basically, if they havent done the work...I'm not interested.


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## 3Xnocharm

Pluto2 said:


> Maybe he was just a sexual expedition, but it bothers me that when you spoke with him he said he doesn't need it, that he's just interested in it. And that came after he brought it up more than once and you told him no.* So it almost seems like he remains interested in something he knows you are not. Could be nothing, could be something.*


Exactly. If I were with him, I would now feel like I have to worry that he would go and do it behind my back. Not cool.


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## DawnD

GA HEART said:


> Honestly, this was something that came up in my last relationship as well. And I felt much like you did. If I am in a REALTIONSHIP with someone, it just doesnt appeal to me. And feel like my significant other should respect me and value me enough to ONLY want me. Because that's how I feel about them. No wonder it turns you off.


It does completely turn me off. I stopped responding to his texts for a while, and needed to take a minute to even think about how I wanted to reply. I do try to be very open with him and say "hey that really turns me off" instead of just being silent. So that is exactly what I did. Now it is just a matter of whether or not he will bring it up again.


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## DawnD

Married but Happy said:


> Good for you for enforcing your boundaries. On the other hand, it sounds like you're not that into him, so let him go anyway. You can both do better.


I am actually very into him. My low tolerance level had me sprinting through bad dates, dropping them for a lot of reasons. I wasn't really ready was part of it, and the other half was I knew it wasn't what I was looking for. 

BUT

I will not feel like I am going to be bullied into something I don't want to do. That is the issue. It might very well lead us down separate paths, a statement I let him know earlier today. Now I think we are both just thinking about it.


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## Wolf1974

It's hard to say without hearing his side of how it was presented, He clearly was intereted in this but was he pushing or did he feel like he never got a definitive answer from you? Impossible to know without his side. 

You should never do something like this if it's not your thing. But be careful how you present things as well. Firm enforcemnt of a boundry is one thing. Being flippant about breaking up is another, especially to someone who has been cheated on

I would clarify and communicate. But like Married said I wonder if maybe you just aren't that into him and should think about moving on anyway.


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## DawnD

Wolf-- I have always been crystal clear that I am not into any threesome or group sex scenario. But if my not being willing to do something I don't want to do means that I'm not that into him......then I will never be that "into" anyone. This isnt a boundary I am willing to reconsider for anyone.


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## Cooper

I don't think your tolerance level is low, I think you showed great restraint not kneeing him in the balls the second time he asked. Who wouldn't be ticked off and fed up when he asked a third time? 

How many times do you need to say no?


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## Wolf1974

DawnD said:


> Wolf-- I have always been crystal clear that I am not into any threesome or group sex scenario. But if my not being willing to do something I don't want to do means that I'm not that into him......then I will never be that "into" anyone. This isnt a boundary I am willing to reconsider for anyone.


That's fine...I said the same in my post. 

You state that you were crystal clear but did her take it the same? You said he was making jokes about it which infers to me e still thought it was ok to bring up. Hence the confusion

You do seem super defensive about this. Even on a message board. It's fine to have boundrys. I have them too like ohh not being with a woman who won't have sex with her co workers. 

There is a difference between saying not interested and chastising someone.



Hey look group sex or a threesome is just not something that has ever or will ever interest me. I would appreciate it if you stop bringing it up

Or

No...... Why don't you just go find someone else.

Which approach would you prefer?


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## Wolf1974

Cooper said:


> I don't think your tolerance level is low, I think you showed great restraint not kneeing him in the balls the second time he asked. Who wouldn't be ticked off and fed up when he asked a third time?
> 
> How many times do you need to say no?


Only once so long as it's clearly communicated


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## Pluto2

I think there are two different issues here.
One OP's unwillingness to participate in a sexual escapade suggested by the BF-'cause no means no.
Two, BF's apparent unwillingness to listen to what OP says. This may go to any number of non-sexual issues in the relationship, and its just surfacing in this one.


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## Lon

DawnD said:


> Yes, you can all laugh at me! I am so very tired of all the BS that came with my marriage that I have very limited tolerance for it in my dating life. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since August of 2014. (He has not met my children, I am pretty particular about keeping it that way for a while). He was married to a very strict Catholic woman for about 8 years. So our personal sex life has been new and exciting for him. She ended up cheating on him while he was wounded during his deployment to Iraq, so I don't think she was nearly as inexperienced as she claimed, she just didn't want to be that girl for him.
> 
> He had joked with me about a threesome once or twice and I made it clear I was not interested and will not be interested in that. *Today he kept pushing me on the issue, and I finally just snapped and said "Hey, walk away and find a girl that will give that to you, but don't come back". Immediately I got the " I won't ever bring it up again!" reply, but I just don't have to energy to deal with that kind of crap. That is one of my few sexual boundaries, I am happy to explore and try things outside of bringing another person/people in to the situation.* Does anyone else find themselves being.......over it? haha. best way I can describe it. I would happily let him go, no problem so he can pursue that with someone else, but it won't be me and he won't be welcomed back. That is just how it is. Am I just losing my ever loving mind? He was hurt that I was that quick to walk away, but I was annoyed that he kept bringing up something he knew I was not into.


So is your boundary that you will not have a threesome, or is your boundary that you don't feel that you should ever have to vocally explicitly communicate your boundaries with a partner?

If you don't have the energy to actually have to define your boundaries at the outset, then that is a problem that you will face in any relationship. So what exactly do you deem to be BS?

Once you set a firm boundary with your BF, has he even once done anything to try chipping away at it? If not then don't make it an issue, if he carries on bringing up threesome talk (even if its just expressing fantasy and he doesn't actually need to have a threesome) then you have your clue what to do.


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## DawnD

Wolf1974 said:


> That's fine...I said the same in my post.
> 
> You state that you were crystal clear but did her take it the same? You said he was making jokes about it which infers to me e still thought it was ok to bring up. Hence the confusion
> 
> You do seem super defensive about this. Even on a message board. It's fine to have boundrys. I have them too like ohh not being with a woman who won't have sex with her co workers.
> 
> There is a difference between saying not interested and chastising someone.
> 
> 
> 
> Hey look group sex or a threesome is just not something that has ever or will ever interest me. I would appreciate it if you stop bringing it up
> 
> Or
> 
> No...... Why don't you just go find someone else.
> 
> Which approach would you prefer?


No, not defensive at all. But if the measurement of my interest level depends on my willing to have a threesome with a guy, then I will obviously never be that into a guy. 

I do find it interesting that the men question my being clear on the subject. Telling someone twice that "Hey, that will never happen, if you need a threesome we need to break things off" is pretty clear. But again, still questioning his level of understanding of the situation.


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## DawnD

Lon said:


> So is your boundary that you will not have a threesome, or is your boundary that you don't feel that you should ever have to vocally explicitly communicate your boundaries with a partner?
> 
> If you don't have the energy to actually have to define your boundaries at the outset, then that is a problem that you will face in any relationship. So what exactly do you deem to be BS?
> 
> Once you set a firm boundary with your BF, has he even once done anything to try chipping away at it? If not then don't make it an issue, if he carries on bringing up threesome talk (even if its just expressing fantasy and he doesn't actually need to have a threesome) then you have your clue what to do.


Again, the boundary had already been discussed and it was made clear that it was one I would not cross. It was already defined and discussed. BS is having someone badger me about something I made clear from the beginning that wasn't going to happen. He told me he does not ever want to get married again. So as long as I play under the guise of not "understanding" him then it is okay to badger, right? That is crap.


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## Wolf1974

DawnD said:


> No, not defensive at all. But if the measurement of my interest level depends on my willing to have a threesome with a guy, then I will obviously never be that into a guy.
> 
> I do find it interesting that the men question my being clear on the subject. Telling someone twice that "Hey, that will never happen, if you need a threesome we need to break things off" is pretty clear. But again, still questioning his level of understanding of the situation.


That comes from your own narrative. You stated he joked about it when he asked twice. Now if this was a subject that was a total do this or we are done I wouldn't joke about it. 

So to me when I hear he was joking about it that translates into probing....he is interested in this, wants to know if you are but isn't clear if you are. Doesn't want to be forceful about it just probing. 

Without his side it's just speculation but I dont know many men who would continue to joke on a subject when they are clear the answer is just going to be a solid no


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## DawnD

Wolf1974 said:


> Without his side it's just speculation but I dont know many men who would continue to joke on a subject when they are clear the answer is just going to be a solid no


I was married to someone who did that for 12 looonnngg years. Could be possible that I pick personality types that like to try and force the issue. Not sure on that one, but it is possible.


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## Wolf1974

DawnD said:


> I was married to someone who did that for 12 looonnngg years. Could be possible that I pick personality types that like to try and force the issue. Not sure on that one, but it is possible.


Well then that brings up the issue of punishing the new guy for the sins of the old. It was clear from your post that you were either on edge about having to repeat yourself or the mentioning of the threesome.

No one is under any obligations to do any sexual act they don't want. So I agree with you whole heartedly about that. But as you navigate the dating world it's difficult and takes time to not see all of a particular gender as your x. I know I did it as well with mine. But punishing a Gf for what my x did was counter productive....just food for thought. In any case good luck. Dating is interesting no? Lol


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## Lon

Wolf1974 said:


> That comes from your own narrative. You stated he joked about it when he asked twice. Now if this was a subject that was a total do this or we are done I wouldn't joke about it.
> 
> So to me when I hear he was joking about it that translates into probing....he is interested in this, wants to know if you are but isn't clear if you are. Doesn't want to be forceful about it just probing.
> 
> Without his side it's just speculation but I dont know many men who would continue to joke on a subject when they are clear the answer is just going to be a solid no


"Joking" about something requires no answer. Badgering is looking for an affirmative answer. So is he joking, or is he badgering? Two different things that carry completely different intent, and which I can't tell from Dawn's post it is (and it seems she is not really trying to discern).


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## EleGirl

DawnD said:


> *He had joked with me about a threesome once or twice and I made it clear I was not interested and will not be interested in that.* Today he kept pushing me on the issue, and I finally just snapped and said "Hey, walk away and find a girl that will give that to you, but don't come back". Immediately I got the " I won't ever bring it up again!" reply, but I just don't have to energy to deal with that kind of crap. That is one of my few sexual boundaries, I am happy to explore and try things outside of bringing another person/people in to the situation.





Lon said:


> So is your boundary that you will not have a threesome, or is your boundary that you don't feel that you should ever have to vocally explicitly communicate your boundaries with a partner?
> 
> If you don't have the energy to actually have to define your boundaries at the outset, then that is a problem that you will face in any relationship. So what exactly do you deem to be BS?
> 
> Once you set a firm boundary with your BF, has he even once done anything to try chipping away at it? If not then don't make it an issue, if he carries on bringing up threesome talk (even if its just expressing fantasy and he doesn't actually need to have a threesome) then you have your clue what to do.


In the above quote, Dana stated " I made it clear I was not interested and will not be interested in that."

So yes he did try to chip away at her by bringing it up gain.. see the rest of her quote above.


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## DawnD

Joking means a wink and teasing about it for a minute. Badgering would be bringing it up. Me saying "I've told you I will not do that". Telling me you heard me, then bringing it up again within minutes. Wash, rinse, repeat. Which leads to my saying " hey, feel free to walk away and find a woman that will".


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## Lon

EleGirl said:


> In the above quote, Dana stated " I made it clear I was not interested and will not be interested in that."
> 
> So yes he did try to chip away at her by bringing it up gain.. see the rest of her quote above.


What I'm trying to get at is that she originally made it plainly clear to him that she was not interested in, nor would ever be interested in a three some. But that is not the same as making it clear she was not willing to joke about it, talk about the subject, or ever have even the slightest bit of anything to do with the entire topic (except of course in certain venues like this thread in which she can disparage him for it).

My gf and I joke, and even indulge vocally in the thought of including another person, but neither of us actually want a three some. We both have made firm boundaries about being strictly monogamous with each other, but when it comes to our own thoughts, fantasies, desires or sense of humor we have a much broader field to play on. As a thinker I have found that most women I've known take words as clear sign of my intended actions, or that to have a fantasy means that I would actually want to act it out... but unless I lead with "i intend" or "I'm going to" that is rarely the case.

I look at dawn's bf's situation from my own perspective, in which case it would mean he quite clearly knows and respects that trying to have her involved in a three some would be clearly out of the question, but that he didn't think it was out of the question as a topic for jest or philosophical discussion.

When I asked if he has badgered or tried to chip away at her boundary, I specifically meant AFTER he explicitly agreed to not bring the subject up again. I see a potentially simple communication problem that Dawn may be overlooking due to her strong negative reaction. I don't recall her saying that he has brought this up since she snapped (which is where I see the firm boundary to not even joke about this subject initially being laid down).


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## soccermom2three

Wow, a lot of over thinking here.


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## Cooper

I don't believe for a second he kept bringing it up because he was joking, if she were to say OK I bet he would jump on it (and her friend too!) Bringing it up in a joking manner was just being passive/aggressive.

I will go as far as to say the guy doesn't value the relationship much or the OP. There are certain stepping stones during a relationship that you tread lightly on, and if that stone is a trigger for the other person you don't step on it again. You may decide that person isn't right for you, and that's OK, but you need to show respect for the other person and their decisions/feelings.


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## Lon

Cooper said:


> I don't believe for a second he kept bringing it up because he was joking, if she were to say OK I bet he would jump on it (and her friend too!) Bringing it up in a joking manner was just being passive/aggressive.
> 
> I will go as far as to say the guy doesn't value the relationship much or the OP. There are certain stepping stones during a relationship that you tread lightly on, and if that stone is a trigger for the other person you don't step on it again. You may decide that person isn't right for you, and that's OK, but you need to show respect for the other person and their decisions/feelings.


That may be the case, but I was just speaking up to Dawn so that if she dumps him it's for the right reason. Not wanting to "tolerate BS" just sounds like a lazy excuse unless it turns out that the guy is indeed passively angling for a three some. If it turns out he's not, and she has already decided she doesn't want to even bother trying to find out where his heart truly is well then that's her right to since she obviously is not interested in a continued relationship with him anyway.


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## 3Xnocharm

Wolf1974 said:


> Well then that brings up the issue of punishing the new guy for the sins of the old. It was clear from your post that you were either on edge about having to repeat yourself or the mentioning of the threesome.


I dont think that this is true, she isnt punishing for someone else's sins...it is as she titled her thread, a low tolerance for BS. She learned from her ex doing that the whole passive/aggressive, joke but not a joke crap, that its BS, so she isnt going to put up with the same thing from someone else. We all need to learn these kinds of lessons from our relationships as we go along.


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## DawnD

Lon said:


> That may be the case, but I was just speaking up to Dawn so that if she dumps him it's for the right reason. Not wanting to "tolerate BS" just sounds like a lazy excuse unless it turns out that the guy is indeed passively angling for a three some. If it turns out he's not, and she has already decided she doesn't want to even bother trying to find out where his heart truly is well then that's her right to since she obviously is not interested in a continued relationship with him anyway.


A lazy excuse is "eh, he said something I didn't like". A reason to end a relationship is to continue to be passive aggressive and seek out a sexual activity that I made crystal clear to him was not of any interest to me. If I was badgering him about marriage, everyone would tell me that I knew when I met him he didn't want it. So guess what? He knew when we started dating that I was not going to do a threesome or any group sex. Joking? An offhand comment and a wink is one thing. But dragging me into a 45 minute conversation and continually pushing to how "hot" it would be for him is not joking. 

I'm not interested in ANYONE that can not understand boundaries. I won't be bullied into sex that I don't want under the farce of "oh but if you really liked him".....

I do really like him. But he isn't showing me the respect that I deserve in regards to boundaries that I set from day one.


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## DawnD

3Xnocharm said:


> I dont think that this is true, she isnt punishing for someone else's sins...it is as she titled her thread, a low tolerance for BS. She learned from her ex doing that the whole passive/aggressive, joke but not a joke crap, that its BS, so she isnt going to put up with the same thing from someone else. We all need to learn these kinds of lessons from our relationships as we go along.


EXACTLY. Why would I want to be in the exact same situation with a new partner??


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## Wolf1974

3Xnocharm said:


> I dont think that this is true, she isnt punishing for someone else's sins...it is as she titled her thread, a low tolerance for BS. She learned from her ex doing that the whole passive/aggressive, joke but not a joke crap, that its BS, so she isnt going to put up with the same thing from someone else. We all need to learn these kinds of lessons from our relationships as we go along.


You make an awful lot of assumptions about someone NOT here telling his side. a big difference between making a joke and picking away at a boundry. I remind you SHE was the one that said he was doing this jokingly. I didn't make that up its what she said.

So yes that seems very defensive to me. I joke around all the time with my GF. She knows I'm joking. If she suddenly blew up one day and said hey if you want this or that get the F out then that might just be what I do. 

What I don't do is plug away at things that are sensitive in nature. Again we all have those soft spots as as well. So if he is joking on the CLEARLY sensitive subject with her then either he is a bad guy OR he didn't understand that this was hard and fast sensitive topic ..


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## lonelyhusband321

Cutting to the chase for a minute.

Tell him FVCK OFF, and that you're quite simply not interested - in either that OR him....


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## 3Xnocharm

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Cutting to the chase for a minute.
> 
> Tell him FVCK OFF, and that you're quite simply not interested - in either that OR him....


And the student has become the teacher!


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## lonelyhusband321

3Xnocharm said:


> And the student has become the teacher!


:lol:

Are you going to call me "Grasshopper", 3X


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## Fenix

DawnD said:


> I felt a little bad about being so blunt, but I do think he was pushing to see if I would eventually agree. I have no problems with anyone that likes that type of thing, I am just not down with it.
> 
> We talked a little tonight. I explained that if he needs that then he should go and find someone on that same page. He insists he doesn't NEED it he is just interested by it. So I told him he will either have to drop it or I have to walk away. He has stopped, but I am feeling less attracted to him, and told him that.


Don't feel bad about being blunt and I would even say, keep walking. He already knew your boundaries and kept pushing anyway. No. Just no. That is manipulative and creepy.

As far as your broader question, heck yeah! I am a what you see is what you get kind of girl. I am not going to pretend for anyone, in my personal life or in my professional life. This is partly due to the break up of my marriage and partly due to just normal aging. Regardless, I LIKE it. And most people do too. 


ETA: Cooper nailed it too.


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## Satya

Agree with others, your reaction was a healthy assertion of boundaries. You worried him because you're strong and you'd be fine without him. 

This is the kind of strength we hope that many BS gain, whether they choose to R or D.


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## GA HEART

All I can add is that in MY experience....."badgering" can indicate deeper issues. No means no. Turns out my guy wasn't all that "into" me, and we lived together and talked about getting married. 

When I used the "never going to get married again" line, I meant it. I meant *I* wasn't really that into the guy. 

So, yes, I call what this guy is doing as BS. One sided? Maybe. Personally, I think it sounds like you are MORE into HIM than he is YOU.


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## DawnD

Wolf1974 said:


> You make an awful lot of assumptions about someone NOT here telling his side. a big difference between making a joke and picking away at a boundry. I remind you SHE was the one that said he was doing this jokingly. I didn't make that up its what she said.
> 
> So yes that seems very defensive to me. I joke around all the time with my GF. She knows I'm joking. If she suddenly blew up one day and said hey if you want this or that get the F out then that might just be what I do.
> 
> What I don't do is plug away at things that are sensitive in nature. Again we all have those soft spots as as well. So if he is joking on the CLEARLY sensitive subject with her then either he is a bad guy OR he didn't understand that this was hard and fast sensitive topic ..


I said he had joked about it once or twice BEFORE this conversation and I stated my boundary at both of those points. This discussion was not him being cute or coy, this was him trying to push me to want it. I don't. 

If he does want a threesome or group sex he does need to get the F out. Because I'm not the girl for him. Interestingly enough once he FINALLY heard me, he has not brought it up and has been trying to feel me out. He knows I lost some attraction to him over this, and he knows what he was doing.


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## DawnD

GA HEART said:


> All I can add is that in MY experience....."badgering" can indicate deeper issues. No means no. Turns out my guy wasn't all that "into" me, and we lived together and talked about getting married.
> 
> When I used the "never going to get married again" line, I meant it. I meant *I* wasn't really that into the guy.
> 
> So, yes, I call what this guy is doing as BS. One sided? Maybe. Personally, I think it sounds like you are MORE into HIM than he is YOU.


That might be the case GA. I'm still kinda feeling things out. This may have blown up into more than what it needed to be.......but that might be a good thing.


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## Wolf1974

DawnD said:


> I said he had joked about it once or twice BEFORE this conversation and I stated my boundary at both of those points. This discussion was not him being cute or coy, this was him trying to push me to want it. I don't.
> 
> If he does want a threesome or group sex he does need to get the F out. Because I'm not the girl for him. Interestingly enough once he *FINALLY heard me*, he has not brought it up and has been trying to feel me out. He knows I lost some attraction to him over this, and he knows what he was doing.


So the if he is now not bringing it up at all and understands clearly what you will and won't do then it would seem that he wasn't sure the first two times he was jokingly bringing it up. Or by your estimation he was just prodding and not joking at all. So why be with him if he is such a bad guy?


Both kinda like i was inferring all along. 

You have taken the stance he was never joking even though you said he was... He if clearly understood what you wanted and brought it up anyway then why be with him at all? I kinda doubt you're the only one who lost attraction over this but you could ask him so you both can make peace and move forward if that's what you both choose to do.


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## DawnD

Wolf1974 said:


> . So why be with him if he is such a bad guy?
> 
> 
> Both kinda like i was inferring all along.
> 
> You have taken the stance he was never joking even though you said he was... He if clearly understood what you wanted and brought it up anyway then why be with him at all? I kinda doubt you're the only one who lost attraction over this but you could ask him so you both can make peace and move forward if that's what you both choose to do.


I never said he was a bad guy. That is you trying to play the victim card for him.

He pushed for something that I clearly said I will not do. He joked the first two times. I set my boundary. But when the third time came around a 45 minute conversation about it was not a "joke". Trying to chip away at a boundary I set from day one is not going to work, and if he lost attraction over that or my reaction then he should move on.


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## Wolf1974

DawnD said:


> I never said he was a bad guy. That is you trying to play the victim card for him.
> 
> He pushed for something that I clearly said I will not do. He joked the first two times. I set my boundary. But when the third time came around a 45 minute conversation about it was not a "joke". Trying to chip away at a boundary I set from day one is not going to work, and if he lost attraction over that or my reaction then he should move on.


I'm not playing any card lol. What are you even talking about. If he was pushing your hard and fast boundry about it I think you should leave him and move on which I said from the beginning. You are really just way to sensitive about this. I merely purposed that maybe he didn't understnd cause you said he was joking.,..then you said he did understand the whole time...ok them that sounds like a bad guy to me. Wouldn't want my friends or sister or daughters dating a guy who did that then you say he isn't a bad guy.....lol ok I guess whatever you want to do then


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## RandomDude

DawnD said:


> Yes, you can all laugh at me! I am so very tired of all the BS that came with my marriage that I have very limited tolerance for it in my dating life. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since August of 2014. (He has not met my children, I am pretty particular about keeping it that way for a while). He was married to a very strict Catholic woman for about 8 years. So our personal sex life has been new and exciting for him. She ended up cheating on him while he was wounded during his deployment to Iraq, so I don't think she was nearly as inexperienced as she claimed, she just didn't want to be that girl for him.
> 
> He had joked with me about a threesome once or twice and I made it clear I was not interested and will not be interested in that. Today he kept pushing me on the issue, and I finally just snapped and said "Hey, walk away and find a girl that will give that to you, but don't come back". Immediately I got the " I won't ever bring it up again!" reply, but I just don't have to energy to deal with that kind of crap. That is one of my few sexual boundaries, I am happy to explore and try things outside of bringing another person/people in to the situation. Does anyone else find themselves being.......over it? haha. best way I can describe it. I would happily let him go, no problem so he can pursue that with someone else, but it won't be me and he won't be welcomed back. That is just how it is. Am I just losing my ever loving mind? He was hurt that I was that quick to walk away, but I was annoyed that he kept bringing up something he knew I was not into.


Honestly I would appreciate a response like that, my ex-wife said the same thing to me when I brought it up "I'm not interested", even when I proposed MMFs (which she reacted even stronger) "I'm not some sl-t that you pass around to your mates!" lol

It showed strength of character and along with everything else I trusted and respected her when it came to that department. A push-over can't really be trusted while a woman with a backbone - can. But tis just me. Do note however that I don't believe you should judge him too harshly for that either, hell my ex-wife brought up wearing a strap-on and doing ME up my ass which I replied in the same fashion as she replied "NO FKING WAY", not like I walked away from her based on her fantasies.


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