# Cheating husband???



## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

This is my second marriage and I LOVE my husband. He started a new job last summer and had to hire an assistant for his business. She is really pretty and they bonded instantly. This made me uneasy. Then he started taking her out on business dinners and he would hide the receipts from me and delete the text messages off his phone. I freaked out and got very suspicious. I started looking through all his things and found a few spots where he would hide things he didn't want me to see. After a while of not finding any evidence of an affair I calmed down. Last month I started getting the feeling something was wrong so I started searching again. Last week I found a bottle of sex lube in the trunk of his car (one of his hiding spots). I didn't want to let him know I was on to him but I just couldn't keep it in. The first night he said he had no idea where it came from and got upset with me that I accused him of having an affair. I cried all night... The next morning he admitted that it was his but still denied an affair saying it was for him and he hid it so no one would see it (guest in the house over the holiday). I just don't know what to think anymore. I love him so very much but I just can't believe him.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

I am so sorry this has happened to. 

He is cheating. It is sexual and probably has been for quite some time. 

You can recon a little more-there is a member here named weightlifter who has all the stuff on that. 

But in short you can by Voice Activated Recorders from best buy or walmart and place them around the house and in his car under the seat with heavy velcro-purchase from department stores like Home Depot, truevalue and of the likes. 

Also there are key loggers you can install on phones and PCs- Webwatcher.com and spector are very good. But there are even free ones that are decent. 

However, I say. File for divorce, do the 180 and kick him out and change the locks. 

That should just about do it. 

Also expose the affair to EVERYONE. On facebook and where ever else. To friends, family member and all the sorts. Also, nofitify HR that your hubby and her are having an affair. Maybe the company might have an issue or guidelines about fraternization between co-worker. 

Good luck. More will be along shorty. 

I am so sorry this has happened. Prepare yourself for whats next. Your mental toughness and emotional strength will be tested severely in the very immediate future. 

So, so sorry.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

I think you need more information. Your gut feeling might not be right. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
Var would be a good idea. Go stealth and don't let him know what your doing. Cheaters have a tendency to be really good at lying and if he is, he will only go deeper if he suspects it. Stick around, keep reading and you will great advice on how to handle this. Sorry your here.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

TheFlood117 said:


> I am so sorry this has happened to.
> 
> He is cheating. It is sexual and probably has been for quite some time.
> 
> ...


I really think people that believe in this are so vengeful and a hateful yet they justify it under "It's the right thing!" says who?

When my ex cheated on my I just left. No drag her name through every toilet bowl, try to get her fired, tell everyone I knew x100, and do anything I could to make her feel like crap. 

The best thing was just leave and move on. I hate to see what you would do if someone cut you off on the interstate? Are you the type honking with you finger out the window the whole time?

OP, I would definitely consult a attorney and file! If nothing else that will shell shock him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Smear some very hot pepper sauce sauce like mad dog on the tube of sex lube.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Yea, I hide my lube in my car too, just so my mother can't find it when she visits. unbelievable the stories these cheaters come up with to deflect their cheating.

Typically when someone like you come on TAM they will say their gut is telling them something is wrong. And you know what? It is often the gut that is speaking the truth.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Weak story!. Sorry you are here but you need to look into this deeper. Can you get a VAR in his car, key logger on his computer. Also check the cell phone for text messages at odd hours to her.

How is your sex life at home it tends to taper off if he is getting it somewhere else. Then again it can pick up. Ask your self is there a change.

His cell phone is he taking it with him to the bathroom, is it locked?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Sex lube in the trunk. In my mind, if this is a young OW, that would be somewhat unusual unless she's giving him hand jobs in the car - but then again I don't claim to be a sex lube expert. Perhaps just as likely he's using it to rub one out when away from the house.

That said, I'd still put my money on a PA.


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## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

The story changed again last night but this time its almost believable, I guess that's what I hate the most...he can lie to my face and I can't tell. This time I said "that story I can believe" and he got mad "it's not a story!" neither were the last four. 
I've checked his phone and no unusual messages or calls but he has a work phone he so I can't check the logs. He is still paying cash for lunches and such. Unfortunately I think I've shown my hand so it may be a while before I find anything else...maybe I should get a gps tracker? Does anyone know a good phone tracker for Iphone. I'm going out of town this week and I love to be able to know where hes been.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Calm down OP,
You need more information. Do not let go of your gut feeling, because most times they are right. However, keep calm, go underground. Keep investigating until you have all the proof you need.
Put a VAR in his car, put a key logger in his computer, and act like you know nothing and believe him. 
Also, keep a journal of every inconsistence you find. It will help you.

Good luck to you


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Standard 007 post pasted below. It includes a plan step by step. Please be one who can follow directions. The below is the collective effort of myself and 100 others. It has been the downfall of 24 cheating wives and 1 cheating husband thus far.

Invert the sexes as I end up mostly dealing with betrayed husbands here. Nonetheless works on husbands too.


Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex
Rclawson came up with how to get the PW on an ipad
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...eling-my-wife-cheating-me-16.html#post4692714

A poster named Stigmatizer came up with this nice app that appears to give the caller name for iphones:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...y-creepy-happening-my-home-7.html#post4769890


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## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

Update. I tried to back off and go underground but it was really hard. I got a little obsessed with making our relationship work and with making out sex life better. I guess I tried too hard but at least I was trying. I believed his crap story about the lube and I tried to relax thinking maybe I was off base. Then last week I notice a $80 charge on our acct through PayPal. I asked if it was his and he said yes it was a business charge. I don't know why but I googled the company and found out it was for ****** *******. I called the company because it had to be fraud and the girl put me on hold and said she could only talk to him so I told her I new it was for 
the web site and I thought it was fraud. She said this was not the only payment he had made to them.
I lost it...I called into work and I went to his job. I thought I would look through the truck and see if I could find any evidence. He chastised me for being accusatory and said he was done with my ****, he couldn't take it anymore. I told him I found out about ****** ******* and he just got quiet and said he couldn't do this anymore.
That's the part that really got me...he just threw me away. I found out that he had been on the site for over a year and many other sites too. 
It was a really tough 24 hours. The next day I told him I wanted a divorce and since we have no kids no community property it should be easy. He softened and said he would go to therapy with me and maybe we could work it out. This was all last Tuesday and our appointment is tomorrow 6 days later. I moved into the guest room and its been up and down. My biggest problem is that I love him so much. Every time I see him all I can think about is how much I love me. This would be so much easier if I loved him even just a little less.


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Katt,

My heart goes out to you. I joined here for same reason. My husband also had an assistant and found out less than three weeks ago he has been having an affair with her. I contacted her and him and when I called him he became defensive and shutdown. He then left me said he has feelings for her. Never believe what they say only what their actions tell you. My husband has lied to my face everyday for a long time knowing fully well what he was doing. I do also love my husband more than words and know your inner conflict. You really need to sit down and talk to him and check for his body language and reactions. They will tell you a lot more than his words :-(


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## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

just to be clear...the website was for married men looking for affairs. He subscribed to several of the same kind.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

katt said:


> Update. I tried to back off and go underground but it was really hard. I got a little obsessed with making our relationship work and with making out sex life better. I guess I tried too hard but at least I was trying. I believed his crap story about the lube and I tried to relax thinking maybe I was off base.


I think this for some reason has yet to be mentioned, but it's important : 

Given that your husband is cheating, not even a close call there...

a. get yourself tested for STDs STAT.
b. STOP having SEX with your HUSBAND. Sorry, but you are sleeping with OW and everyone OW has bedded doing that.

You do NOT have sex with someone you even SUSPECT is cheating.

That is a no brainer. Sorry if that wasn't mentioned yet...


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

katt said:


> just to be clear...the website was for married men looking for affairs. He subscribed to several of the same kind.


AM is really for women, I think they charge guys $$, but women are free. Funny how that works.

Are you afraid you can't find somebody else?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

katt said:


> The next day I told him I wanted a divorce and since we have no kids no community property it should be easy.


Katt you need to think long and hard about this. 

a. He has deceived you serially
b. He never at any point decided to own it and tell you - he made you play detective to get the truth out of him
c. When you confront him denies
d. This is not just sexual infidelity, it's financial as well

You need to give some serious thought as to why you would want to continue this.

If you have no children and no community property you need to seriously think if you have a better chance elsewhere. And you probably do.

How much you "love him" really is not relevant. I know that sounds ridiculous, but honestly it is not a factor in this decision.

What you need to decide is 

a. is he trustworthy
b. is he mature
c. is he committed
d. is he honest
e. is he respectful

Can he become all those things and have better chances of becoming that than if you looked elsewhere?

What are your chances of finding another guy who will NOT do the things he's done and will do better?

If you knew this before you married him, would you marry him?

This is your chance to decide if he's a worthy mate. He's shown you hands down he's not.

With no financial obligations, and no children, why invest one more moment trusting someone who has been this obnoxious?

And again, "love" is not relevant here.

What you need in a mate is : 

a. maturity
b. honesty
c. commitment
d. team work
e. cooperation
f. respect

And he needs to behave that way 24 x 7, not just when you are watching.

Can THIS GUY, that you have NOW, do a - f 24 x 7 whether you are there or not?

I have serious doubts about that given his history.

And you haven't even offered much detail yet.

Has he cheated on anyone else?
Has he lied to you before?
Has he done anything else major in your history together?
Does he work in a target rich environment he can't change?
Has he shown other impulse control issues?
Has he shown the excessive need for instant gratification in other areas of the marriage?

Before you decide to even GO to counselling my advice to you is to 

a. get an STD test
b. go through your finances with a fine tooth comb for the next two years back and find out what's been going on behind your back.
c. STOP trusting his information. I don't care how honest and forthcoming he may appear, if he's lied to you this badly it's highly unlikely he's told you even a fraction of the whole truth

Go find out what he's been up to : 
a. examine financial records
b. talk with his co workers
c. talk to neighbors

Do your home work independent of HIM to find out what he's been up to so you are FULLY informed BEFORE committing to therapy.

In my opinion you going into therapy blind is just going to set you up for a lot of stress long term. Over the next year you are going to be finding tidbit after tidbit, little by little, the truth is going to start to roll in.

If you take action and do the work now you can get the whole story. Don't wait for neighbors to tell you they have seen women come and go from your home, don't wait for his co workers to tell you he's been unfaithful a dozen times. Don't wait for the credit card company to send you invoices you don't know about.

Take action now and get the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Do NOT expect him to tell you the truth. Do not even warn him you are doing this detailed homework.

Just do it. Don't tell him, don't ask him, don't let him know.

Find out the truth before you commit to anything.



katt said:


> He softened and said he would go to therapy with me and maybe we could work it out. This was all last Tuesday and our appointment is tomorrow 6 days later. I moved into the guest room and its been up and down. My biggest problem is that I love him so much. Every time I see him all I can think about is how much I love me. This would be so much easier if I loved him even just a little less.


Again, do NOT allow him to manipulate you emotionally. Do NOT get physical at ALL with him.

He is at high risk for an STD and you need to steer clear.

How much you love him is irrelevant.

_*How worthy is he of that love is the question you need to ask yourself.
*_

If he's not, and you have no major obligations, then take what you have to offer elsewhere. You have better odds going elsewhere than he does at maturing into someone worthy at this point.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

And therapy is for what reason? He is playing you again.

The past shows the future. The future is unknown. He can make all the promises he wants and you only have the past to go by.

Can the marriage heal and work out? Sure it can. But right now he has shown his true colors and he has not stopped. Your gut told you that.

Don't play into the "I am an addict" mentality with him. 

Start to disengage from him. Do the 180. Learn to detach. And see what happends down the road.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'm sorry you are here and hurting so deeply. i'm glad though that you found out the truth about the man that you are so committed to. 
i wouldn't even consider therapy if you can D easily without children in the mix. why try to fix what's so broken when you can start to heal now, move on and find someone worthy of you?

whatever you decide, i wish you the best.




katt said:


> Every time I see him all I can think about is how much I love me.


try looking at him and seeing him wasting time on pick-up sites, lying to women to get laid and buying that lube behind you back for who only know what. your love for him might begin to diminish when you start to see him for the man he really is.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am in the same boat as you. I just found out almost 2 weeks ago that my husband was cheating. I filed for divorce as well and we're living in the same house until it sells.

I know the feeling about loving your husband even though they disrespected you and thew you away so easily. I still love my husband even though he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and hasn't loved me for a long time...if he ever even loved me to begin with.

Disengage from your H...it will make it easier on you. DO NOT have sex with him. Not only for the safety aspects but also for yourself. If you have sex with him, then it's only hurt you more and it'll give your H more power...thinking he can hurt you like this but still have have you around for sex. Do the 180 starting now. It'll help.

Good luck and stay strong.


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## katt (Dec 8, 2013)

OMG Update!!!
Sooo much has happened. I got into all his accounts and he had deleted his messages but I was able to request a "reset" and I got back the past 2 months so far. So as it turns out he has been email a few women but on in particular that he has met a few time but no sex according to her email to him. He has been talking with her on an off for a year or so. She is his friend on facebook, she joined his networking group and has befriended some of our friends. She has the balls to post comments on the pictures I post of my husband. I feel like she wanted me to find out. She seems really obsessed with my husband and our life. At first I was furious and I sent her an email telling her she should be ashamed. I blocked her from my husbands facebook. Then I unblocked her just to see what happened. Within a day she sent him another friend request. He tells me that she was an outlet and he never intended to have sex with her. He says he doesn't like her and he loves me and wants us to continue with counseling.
Meanwhile...I am doing my research on the stalking bit** and she is not married but living with a man who supports her while so goes back to school. My dilemma is do I let him know what is going on? They don't have any kids together but he may or may not be sick or injured (husband said she was going to school to be a nurse to take care of him). Should I care about him maybe not being able to deal with this? Do I care is she can not deal with him finding out? I have ALOT of juicy emails that he might find interesting. So do I destroy her because I can???
I want her out of my life COMPLETELY but do I really want to hit her where she lives?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I think you have enough information to know your husband does not value you at all or your marriage.

I think at this point it's time to stop torturing yourself and move on.

It sounds like you are very dependent on this person and some individual counseling is needed to help you start making plans to be strong enough to leave this unhealthy person.

This is a terrible situation but it is not your fault. Don't get wrapped up in this terrible situation. Exiting gracefully will be your greatest reward. It will be very hard but it can be done.

I see no reason to save this relationship.

Commit to someone who will cherish and respect you. There are good men out there. Let the skanks fight over your husband.


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## Visionknower (Oct 14, 2013)

Why would you ever want to have anything to do with this person again? It is obvious that he is a selfish arrogant jerk that feels entitled to use, deceive and violate you. Don't spend one more second of your life or your energy on him and don't concern yourself with the details of what else he is doing or why he is doing it. Your relationship was meaningless to him and he has shown no regard for you as a human being or a woman. Let him now be meaningless and nonexistent to you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He's been 'talking' to her for a year. He says he doesn't like her, but why would you ever believe him?

Don't focus on her. Focus on him. Focus on the lube in the car, a screaming red flag. Add to that the adult dating sites and all the 'business' charges.

Keep your vision clear. He is a liar. You know this. Save yourself. Nobody else will.


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