# I'm so confused...



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

My husband and I have been together almost 5 years now. I posted in the infidelity section about his affairs from 2 years ago,and how hard it is for me to trust him. I'm trying though, but I am aware I need to just let that go and move on.
He informed me yesterday...well, I had to pull it out of him, that he is very unhappy and needs things to change, or he needs to leave or something. Our roles are quite reversed..he is the stay at home parent to our two sons, ages 3 1/2 and 18 months. He also has a route early in the morning so that he can be home when I have to go to work. Consequesntly, our schedules are horrible. He has to be up by 2am in order to do his route, get home and get a few more hours sleep before I have to leave for work at 9. The earliest I can get home is 6, its later if I have to stop for anything (we have one vehicle, which complicates matters even more). 
He says he feels like he has no time to figure out who he is, has lost his passion for most everything (including us) and is at his wits end. Of course, he has not told me about any of this until, like I said,I drug it out of him. He says he does not feel like the man anymore, but yet refuses to take control of situations. I never wanted to be the one IN control of the relationship, but its the way the roles have worked out, and he rarely expresses his feelings to me...he just dumps the "i'm miseralbe and want to leave" on me. 
I work FT because I have a degree and he does not; therefore I can pull in more $$ right now, AND my job is paying for my Master's Degree, which is our ticket out of the state we are living in, which neither of us want to raise our children in. We MUTUALLY do not want our boys in daycare, and he DOES love the time he gets with them. He is an amazing Dad. When I come home at night, I don't even get a chance to sit down and relax for 5 minutes...I hit the ground running, whether it be cooking, cleaning, taking care of the boys (sometimes all three) and I do not stop until I go to bed. Between having to wake him up to go to work and the boys I have not had a solid nights sleep in YEARS, but I do it, because I know one day it will not be like this, and I know there is a goal behind all the chaos. We don't live near any family, and only have a couple of friends whom we trust to look after our children, so we also get ZERO time as a couple. 
I'm trying to be supportive, I told him to feel free to take all the time away from the house he needs...find a hobby, get back into painting, go for a drive...whatever. That I understand he is feeling unfulfilled and misses the spontaniety life used to have. I even told him to go to the concert we were planning on going to together next week with our friend instead and have a "guys night", even though I was SO looking forward to it because its my favorite band, and I have not been to a concert in FIVE years now, and it was my absolute favorite thing to do when we lived back home. So much for our Valentines Day date, but I feel like he needs the time away. 
He SAYS its not all about him, that my needs should be met too, but honestly, there is no room to work on them both at the same time. I NEED to know I can count on my partner, and I NEED to feel love and affection from him, and I know that I will get neither until he gets the part of himself back that he feels is missing. I know there is not another woman involved in this, so that is not my concern. I guess my concern is, what am I doing wrong or what could I be doing differently? ( I should also say that he does have a history of depresssion, and I think that might be contributing to this, plus an utter hatred of the cabin fever the winter has brought here)


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

i dont think you are doing anything wrong. you are bravely sacrificing your happiness for those of your family. he might be depressed but that is no excuse to take it out on you. maybe you just need to remind him, like you said, there is a goal to end all the chaos. he is wallowing in self pity and how selfish of him to do so. you both are busting azz to make it work. The only advise i have, is make him take some time out of the house. i work part time 2 days a week, and stay at home 4 days a week. i enjoy the time away from my family although they are the light of my life. everyone needs to get away in order to appreciate what they have. 

a second note to say you have done more then your share and should be appaulded for your work, in the house and out of it. We do what needs to be done, and then the men in our live complain that we dont "met" their needs? Well, if they "met" our needs in the first place we wouldnt have to be the one in charge. I hate that crap, the i am always a victim mentality. I am not happy so i want to leave. oh that makes sense, lets not try to get out of the house and play raquetball, or have a boys night out, lets not make some changes that will help improve what we are feeling. It is lets just dump this on the woman and she can fix it, she fixes everything already. or i will just leave. 

i think you need to do some more talking about this. put it all on the table. in one way you are blessed that he is a good day, but he needs to help you more with other responsiblities before you burn out.

good job for you!! and keep your head up. {giving a hug}


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

how you doing lately?


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Things are actually looking up around here, thanks for asking! Not to say that things are perfect, but I am learning to let him get out a bit more...and he is being more considerate about it. Last night, for example, he said he was going to run over to his brothers but he would make a point of making it quick...and he stuck to it! It felt great for him to not only make a promise but acknowledge that it was a PRIOROTY to keep it, and then honor that promise. 
We are going on an actual date this weekend also...I can't wait. They are few and far between because we have (maybe) 3 people we trust with our kids, and with our schedules, there is little down time as it is. I know he loves me,and I know he does not want to leave; when he speaks of that, it stems from frustration on his end, but he needs to learn to quit saying it to get a reaction also. 
I keep catching glimpses of MY husband...so, I know he is still alive and kicking in there...and that gives me hope, and strength.


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## div2wice (Sep 18, 2008)

He is clearly depressed. The thing is, men think these feelings will just vanish if they change things, it doesn't work that way. Men are usually too prideful to go to the doctor and tell them they feel this way and need help, and it often gets worse.
I admire you for the way you're handling it, its hard. My husband is BiPolar and fights with depression on a regular basis, I know how hard it is.
Separating may be a good idea, also some type of invention is necessary. Maybe contacting someone you know who can get him to the doctor? Once the depression is controlled, then I strongly suggest marital counceling for you both -- that's what got us through.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mommybean-

Your sleep schedules are awful. That alone will wear people down. Do you have a good sex life?


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