# Sexual Addiction Perspective Help



## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Edit-Details in a post further down.

I have been reading for over a month. Yesterday, I wrote everything out to share, but couldn't bring myself to click "post new thread" on the Jerry Springer episode I now call my life. It was just too painful. Long story short, wife/best friend/soulmate of 12 years has come clean about some devastating sexual behaviors I was truly clueless about. I have had one long panic attack over the last month as more is revealed, and I know more is coming. I have been unable to function.

I had a breakthrough last night (I hope) in the realization that my wife is a sex addict. She is also an alcoholic/pill addict, and we have been fighting this for 5 years. I was wondering if others here have found peace of mind in seeing the behaviors as the actions of a damaged person with an addictive personality, rather than the selfish and hurtful act that it is. It has (possibly) given me hope that this thing might be repaired. I have been struggling with the how and why of it. 

Seeing her behavior in this new light (recognizing her compulsion comes from the same place as her compulsion to drink and use) as a psychological problem seems to have helped with my panic attacks. Anyone else experience this? Am I just deluding myself? Any posts at all would be appreciated. I feel alone right now. And I just want to say thank you for this forum. You guys have already helped me more than you will ever know.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I'm starting to think I should just post the whole stupid story. It is just hard and embarrassing.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Save yourself.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is she getting help got the drugs/alcohol? 

Was she always high when she acted out sexually? 

Do you want to stay with her? Might be best to let her bottom out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> Am I just deluding myself? Any posts at all would be appreciated.


Sorry you're here DG,

The answer to your question is yes. The chances of you "fixing" her to stop cheating are slim. Infidelity is infidelity. The bottom line is the same. She betrayed you and her marriage.

Sex addiction, even if it is real, is no excuse for cheating. It's seems you're looking to rationalize how she could do this. It's giving her a pass that she doesn't deserve.

You don't give any details of her actions, but if you want to consider R with her; nothing short of her demonstration of true remorse, complete transparency and willingness to "own" what she did, should be acceptable to you. And even with that, assuming she is a serial cheater, the odds that she won't cheat again are long.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Sorry you're here DG,
> 
> The answer to your question is yes. The chances of you "fixing" her to stop cheating are slim. Infidelity is infidelity. The bottom line is the same. She betrayed you and her marriage.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I had saved what I wrote yesterday and am just editing it down a little so you can see the details. So far, she has only admitted to sex one time years ago, an EA "with one kiss" at work 2 years ago, and a few drunken kisses with random stranger. I feel like I am looking into the gaping maw of a rabbithole and Im not sure how far it goes. Give me a minute to humble myself and post it all


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> Thank you. I had saved what I wrote yesterday and am just editing it down a little so you can see the details. So far, she has only admitted to sex one time years ago, an EA "with one kiss" at work 2 years ago, and a few drunken kisses with random stranger. I feel like I am looking into the gaping maw of a rabbithole and Im not sure how far it goes. Give me a minute to humble myself and post it all


Yeah, we need the details if you want us to help you root out the truth. If there is a specialty of this board, that would be it.

But caution, you're about to enter the no spin zone. Try to be thick skinned and keep posting. You may not want to hear what some posters are going to tell you; but a lot of us have been where you're at.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why is it important that it be labelled as sex addiction vs she chose to cheat on you?

I suspect it's because you are looking for it not to be her responsibility, that its beyond her control which would mean she didn't choose to willingly betray you.

Unfortunately unless she a candidate for being committed to an asylum, she is still a person who knows right from wrong and she willingly chose to betray you because she wanted to have sex, to use more than she wanted to be faithful to you and more than she wanted you.

I say this not to attack you, but to try and help you see and deal with the truth about addicts.

It's not that they are possessed and just need the right magic to free them,

It's entirely that their want for those other things is greater than their want for you.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I am afraid this is going to be very confusing. There is just so much. I have been reading this forum for the last 6 weeks or so. I’m 38, wife 33, with two 5 year olds. Married 11 years. I have no one I want to share this information with, but I can't seem to function. It feels like constant panic attack. I sit here at work reading these forums over and over. Somehow it is comforting to know I'm not alone. After reading these forums, my problems don't seem as bad. 

My wife and I have had great highs and terrible lows in our marriage. We met in ministry. We were recovering alcoholic/addicts who worked for a Christian rehab, but in different cities. Fell deeply in love. We became physical. When we told our bosses, we were asked to leave. Moved to her hometown. Got married 9 months after meeting (apparently not long enough to really get to know someone). Before marriage, she admitted to being promiscuous. Although disappointing (male ego), I had no major problem with it. I had also been sexually active. She told me had had been with 35-40 guys, had worked as a stripper for a few months, and even had a couple of lesbian experiences. I loved her and didn't care. Only thing that bothered me was I didn’t think I was getting the whole story. We did mostly well in our sobriety , but we did drink very occasionally. I am also jealous of her past because our sex life has never been good. Missionary position, she never initiates and is pretty boring in the bedroom. 

One year in to marriage, she calls me from a party drunk(told me she wouldn’t drink), says she cheated on me (kissed a guy-witnesses pretty much confirm that’s it). I'm upset but we get through it. She is truly remorseful and came clean.

We had kids 5 years ago. During this time she falls off the deep end in her pill addiction . Lying 100's of times when obviously caught, stealing, opening credit cards, rehabs, counseling, doctor shopping, even trying methadone for a year against my better judgment. This has been an unbelievable struggle that deserves its own post. (IE. Getting caught stealing from my family on video, caught stealing pills from my fathers car on Easter). She has good periods and bad. She has been doing much better the last 4 to 6 months with her addiction. 2 months ago, I tell her I want my best friend back, not a roommate.

So we start working on our marriage. It is great. We are talking again. We had been roommates with kids for years. We are communicating, I sent her flowers to her work, etc. 4 weeks ago, she tells me that 4 years before, a girl friend had tried to kiss her when they were drinking alone. I ask questions and something is off. After a couple of days of me being curious, we are talking late and she had taken a couple of her Ambien (that stuff is like truth serum). Here it begins. She admits on this night, that she had lied about her number. TT-it was 47, then around 100, actually over 200 guys (she since backpedaled to 130. At this point, the number isn’t relevant, just honesty). That when she broke up with her drug dealer boyfriend she started doing things for drugs. She admitted to giving oral sex to at least 50 guys in the VIP room of strip club where she had worked, and having sex with one client for money on a party bus. That she had worked as an escort for 2 months before she was seriously injured, and went to rehab, found God, changed her life and met me.

Through TT over the last 4 weeks (stories always get one step worse each time) kissing another girlfriend of ours at a bar for a shot of liquor, kissing a guy while blind drunk on dance floor and dirty dancing with another guy on a different night. This was before our kids. 

Things that happened after kids, she admits she lied and actually kissed the first gil after all, and admitted a week long EA at her old job 2 years ago with some guy I had met. About EA, she first said it was only flirty text, then sexy texting, then sexting full on. 3 nights ago, she admits to getting finger penetrated by some ONS guy less than 2 years into our marriage. This was not that long after she called me and admitted to kissing someone. I am shocked. She seemed so remorseful years ago when she confessed to kissing the first guy. She saw how hurt I was. 

So 2 nights ago, in the same sentence, she admitted to kissing EA guy one time, and admitted to having sex with ONS finger guy. Apparently this guy was someone she worked with. He showed up at bar her friends were at, all went to friends house, then he offered to drive her home. They pulled around corner, made out, had sex until a security guard told them to leave. So they drive around behind the movie theatre and finished. God this is long.

I found out she was raped when she was 13. Everything in her life now makes sense. Her drug abuse, promiscuity, low self esteem, her need for validation through attention, why our sex life has been terrible. I can't imagine the shame and pain she has been carrying around. We are going to go to counseling. I am just locked with anxiety, waiting for the next TT reveal. 

I know she wants to change. She did not have to share any of this with me. I truly had no idea.

Obviously, neither of us should ever drink again. I have done a terrible job of setting boundaries with my wife regarding alcohol because I struggle with it too, but we are done drinking now. But now it seems too little too late.

I'm not saying I want R or a D. I have decided to wait.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Why is it important that it be labelled as sex addiction vs she chose to cheat on you?
> 
> I suspect it's because you are looking for it not to be her responsibility, that its beyond her control which would mean she didn't choose to willingly betray you.
> 
> ...


I appreciate that Shaggy. I don't mean to minimize her responsibility in this. I only meant to understand the compulsion. Having been an addict, I do understand the desire to do something that is extremely destructive and throw consequences out the window at the moment to satisfy an emotional need.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> Thank you. I had saved what I wrote yesterday and am just editing it down a little so you can see the details. So far, she has only admitted to sex one time years ago, an EA "with one kiss" at work 2 years ago, and a few drunken kisses with random stranger. I feel like I am looking into the gaping maw of a rabbithole and Im not sure how far it goes. Give me a minute to humble myself and post it all


Listen your are getting trickle truth. The truth is likely to come out if you keep pushing. You need to be prepared for how ugly it is likely going to be. In the threads I have read TT is an attempt to ease you into it. To try and temper your anger and disappointment. In some cases it was obvious that TT was done to try and protect the Betrayed Spouse. In most cases TT was done to try and protect the WS integrity. Either way TT makes it worse. You need to keep hammering away at the lies. Neither you or her will be able to deal with this unless you get the truth. 
Unless of course you decide it is all too much and you must divorce. Which is okay. You wife cheated on you for a long time. She failed in her vows. You have every right to walk away if you so choose. Just don't hang yourself up on the woman your wife used to be. That woman is likely dead and gone. If you are not prepared to , or simply can't forgive her actions. Divorce is likely the best option even if you have children. Otherwise the toxicity of your relationship will poison your life, your wife's life, and your children's future.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Yeah, we need the details if you want us to help you root out the truth. If there is a specialty of this board, that would be it.
> 
> But caution, you're about to enter the no spin zone. Try to be thick skinned and keep posting. You may not want to hear what some posters are going to tell you; but a lot of us have been where you're at.


I will try to be thick skinned and take everything into consideration. I am just emotional and have no idea what I'm supposed to be feeling.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

badbane said:


> Listen your are getting trickle truth. The truth is likely to come out if you keep pushing. You need to be prepared for how ugly it is likely going to be. In the threads I have read TT is an attempt to ease you into it. To try and temper your anger and disappointment. In some cases it was obvious that TT was done to try and protect the Betrayed Spouse. In most cases TT was done to try and protect the WS integrity. Either way TT makes it worse. You need to keep hammering away at the lies. Neither you or her will be able to deal with this unless you get the truth.
> Unless of course you decide it is all too much and you must divorce. Which is okay. You wife cheated on you for a long time. She failed in her vows. You have every right to walk away if you so choose. Just don't hang yourself up on the woman your wife used to be. That woman is likely dead and gone. If you are not prepared to , or simply can't forgive her actions. Divorce is likely the best option even if you have children. Otherwise the toxicity of your relationship will poison your life, your wife's life, and your children's future.


I have not yelled at her yet. Although I have gotten really angry at the TT and let her know it. I feel the best thing to do is help her feel safe enough to keep sharing. I know deep down she wants me to know, but is terrified I will run for the hills. I have already been mourning the loss of the wife I knew. I had suspicions of something before but expected it to be more recent, when our marriage and her addiction were the worst. It broke my heart to find out she slept with that guy so early on.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Okay,

Your wife is an addict. I'm not buying the sexual addiction end of it, but her behavior is not untypical otherwise, given her history of drugs and booze.

You mention she didn't have to tell you what she did. But what she did confess to is called trickle truth. For everything she told you she did, you can bet there is ten times the amount she's not telling you. If she says she kissed someone, chances are they had sex. If she said she had sex once while you're married, then you can reliably assume that it was multiple times.

You need to think of yourself and your children. You can't fix her. You can't save her. Maybe down the road when she hits rock bottom she can save herself, but I wouldn't count on it.

Divorce her and move on with your life. If you try to stay in this marriage with her, the odds are stacked against you too much. You'd just be delaying the inevitable and adding more years of misery.

I'm sorry, but that's just the way I see it. You deserve better than her.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Finding out more is no longer good for you. It is just a way for her to unload baggage.

Really sounds tough. Is there some sign that she taking sobriety seriously?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Finding out more is no longer good for you. It is just a way for her to unload baggage.
> 
> Really sounds tough. Is there some sign that she taking sobriety seriously?


Yes. She has been doing much better. Some of this she has no control over. I had to take away her access to money, and she has no car of her own right now. She wholeheartedly agrees with this also. If she had all of her freedoms back right now, I'm not sure how good she would be doing honestly.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Apart from whether you want to stay married to her, she needs some serious help. You can't provide it. Drug and alcohol rehab/counseling/treatment to start with, and then she can address the sexual issues.

Sex addiction may or may not be real, but if being diagnosed as such means that someone can get the help they need, then it's real to them. It's real to my husband. He was diagnosed three years ago after cheating on me (my story is here) and attends a 12 step group. He got his three year coin a few weeks ago. She should see a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT). One of the first steps is a polygraph and coming clean, which she may or may not choose to share with you. You can find one here.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Mmm

Okay, sit tight my friend 

In my experience of infidelity which is extensive and just as important, my time on here, you can slice up the 'types' the 'regions' of infidelity

There are the one night stands, the casual one time affair, the serious relationship affair and the serial perpetual cheats and some inbetweeners as well. Although the infinitesmal details will be different it all amounts to cheating - either emotionally or physically and from one to both 

It's cheating. Moreover here's the real rub of it - it's by CHOICE

*I have yet to hear about the affair when the other man or other woman put a gun to a spouses head and demanded "now have an affair with me NOW"!*

It NEVER happened - ever - in the history of human beings

A wayward spouse CHOOSES to be wayward 

That said in my opinion almost all cheats are damaged to some extent in terms of the intensity of their 'disorder'

'Disorder' is the word here. For me almost every cheat I have encountered on here or in life has some form of personality disorder. Almost all have some issue or problem from their childhood and often some form of sexual issue be it abuse or assault.

Clearly your wife has some serious issues in these terms and that has influenced the way she sees herself in the world, her control over men and how she views relationships. Without the details only you really know her and who she really is and how she behaves

One thing to state right here and now is that NONE of the known personality disorders that encompass this kind of behaviour are actually a reason to commit adultery and cheat. They may well direct you to think about the opposite sex or your spouse in a particular way on a a particular day but they do not MAKE ? FORCE you to then go ahead and destroy everything in their lives - That's the bit they choose to do

Your wife has chosen is choosing this path - the consequences are clear for anybody embarking upon this - it's just how far a wayward is prepared to go to smash the boundary out of the ball park and get what they crave

You have not made her do it, forced her hand and neither has anybody else the responsiblity for it is soley hers and hers alone 

If anybody is a sex addict they are not paricularly addicted to sex they are addicted to something and the roots for it go deeper than just wanted to fk.

Your wife is addicted to something though - she's addicted to having her own way, to having her cake and eating it and frankly she's lead a life where you have been almost a carer and let her do that - completely driven by love and the willingness to care for her of course

One thing I personaly hate is watching these people get defended. 
They may have 'issues' but frankly there's not a lot wrong with them - they know right from wrong, they are fully aware of the gravity of their actions, but they are driven by being entitled, being selfish and always having got their own way throughout their lives most aided by people who felt sorry for them. For the most part they've enjoyed the role of being a 'victim' and thrived upon that.

Just watch her spit her dummy out of the pram when you bring all this to a grinding halt 

I am sympathetic but you need to realise this person is probaly not the one you thought she was - ever


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Apart from whether you want to stay married to her, she needs some serious help. You can't provide it. Drug and alcohol rehab/counseling/treatment to start with, and then she can address the sexual issues.
> 
> Sex addiction may or may not be real, but if being diagnosed as such means that someone can get the help they need, then it's real to them. It's real to my husband. He was diagnosed three years ago after cheating on me (my story is here) and attends a 12 step group. He got his three year coin a few weeks ago. She should see a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT). One of the first steps is a polygraph and coming clean, which she may or may not choose to share with you. You can find one here.


Did the polygraph help get everything out in the open, confirm he was lying, or bring peace of mind to you that everything was exposed? I have thought about it. Also, thank you for sharing your story, and for the links.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She is promiscuous, she is alcoholic, she lies, she steals, she is not truthful, not faithful.

Why you want to be with a wife like this?
Do you wish to die from STDs? If not then file for D, get full custody of your children. and 
run man run to the mountains


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Headspin,
I agree with most of what you are saying. My intention was not to justify what she did. Having been an addict myself, I just meant I was able to understand the compulsion to act out in ways that normally you would consider far beneath you.

By reading about sexual addiction, it helped me wrap my head around "how did this happen?" and "why did this happen?". So much of her past is new to me. I can't imagine how a woman must view herself after having been raped by the popular basketball player several years older than her in a small southern town, and then blamed for it by many in school as though she were easy. Then losing her mom during all this, having an absentee dad. Moving to a big city, she "took control" of her sexuality, which apparently is very common in these situations. She had tons of ONS (tons). Got involved in alcohol and drugs to a terrible degree. Was supplied these drugs by her long time drug dealer boyfriend. When they broke up, she was already working as a stripper. So then the sex for money stuff happened. Then she was nearly killed in an accident. This seemed to be the wakeup call. She had been raised by very religious parents, which seemed to add to her guilt and low self worth. "How could I do those things?", "Who could ever love a whor*?". 

Maybe this is too new and I am deluding myself. I am sure it sounds like it, but I'm not trying to justify it, but all of the pieces seem to have fallen into place in my head about why she is the way she is, and why nothing has worked before. She never told any of the counselors about this stuff from shame and because they just want to focus on substances, which is a symptom of her emotional damage, not the cause.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> She is promiscuous, she is alcoholic, she lies, she steals, she is not truthful, not faithful.
> 
> Why you want to be with a wife like this?
> Do you wish to die from STDs? If not then file for D, get full custody of your children. and
> run man run to the mountains


I haven't decided what I want to do yet. I am trying to follow the advice of the people on this board about not making any big decisions yet. No matter what, I do love her. She is coming clean about things. Something more almost every night. She tells me things she never told anyone. If I run for the hills now, it could ruin any chance she has of getting better. Whether we are married or not in the future, she is the mother of my children and if she can beat her issues, I would be happy for her. 

Also, there is no way of an affair being ongoing at the moment. Patience seems like the best course right now. I will listen to any other views though.

Thanks to everyone.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> Headspin,
> I agree with most of what you are saying. My intention was not to justify what she did. Having been an addict myself, I just meant I was able to understand the compulsion to act out in ways that normally you would consider far beneath you.
> 
> By reading about sexual addiction, it helped me wrap my head around "how did this happen?" and "why did this happen?". So much of her past is new to me. I can't imagine how a woman must view herself after having been raped by the popular basketball player several years older than her in a small southern town, and then blamed for it by many in school as though she were easy. Then losing her mom during all this, having an absentee dad. Moving to a big city, she "took control" of her sexuality, which apparently is very common in these situations. She had tons of ONS (tons). Got involved in alcohol and drugs to a terrible degree. Was supplied these drugs by her long time drug dealer boyfriend. When they broke up, she was already working as a stripper. So then the sex for money stuff happened. Then she was nearly killed in an accident. This seemed to be the wakeup call. She had been raised by very religious parents, which seemed to add to her guilt and low self worth. "How could I do those things?", "Who could ever love a whor*?".
> ...


I am impressed that you are working your way through this in a relatively logical manner.

Your earlier post said you were not sure what you were supposed to feel. Allow yourself to feel the hurt, pain, anger, and other feelings that come with betrayal. I was not one to wallow in emotion, but it is good to open up the doors and give yourself the room to absorb it completely. I took me several months to go through the stages of grief.

So Headspin made an AWESOME post about the "stuff" that you are experiencing. I really can't add much to help you beyond what he said as far as the causes.

*I say you should find some alone time and look in the mirror.* 

You are throwing yourself into the abyss for a woman that is not going to be fixed by you. She may need to experience LOSING you in order to repair herself. She will not mend until she hits bottom. Your love should be focused on her end-game, that means she needs to start over from zero.

Why would you rationalize your time or materials for a "bad" woman? You can be a knight in shining armour (KISA) to a new woman that truly would benefit from your presence.

So sorry you experienced this. The silver lining is a new perspective of her and yourself.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> *If I run for the hills now, it could ruin any chance she has of getting better. * Whether we are married or not in the future, she is the mother of my children and if she can beat her issues, I would be happy for her.


Or it might be that rock bottom that she needs to hit. Divorces take months. At the very least she needs to believe that you're going to leave her.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> Headspin,
> I agree with most of what you are saying. My intention was not to justify what she did. Having been an addict myself, I just meant I was able to understand the compulsion to act out in ways that normally you would consider far beneath you.
> 
> By reading about sexual addiction, it helped me wrap my head around "how did this happen?" and "why did this happen?". So much of her past is new to me. I can't imagine how a woman must view herself after having been raped by the popular basketball player several years older than her in a small southern town, and then blamed for it by many in school as though she were easy. Then losing her mom during all this, having an absentee dad. Moving to a big city, she "took control" of her sexuality, which apparently is very common in these situations. She had tons of ONS (tons). Got involved in alcohol and drugs to a terrible degree. Was supplied these drugs by her long time drug dealer boyfriend. When they broke up, she was already working as a stripper. So then the sex for money stuff happened. Then she was nearly killed in an accident. This seemed to be the wakeup call. She had been raised by very religious parents, which seemed to add to her guilt and low self worth. "How could I do those things?", "Who could ever love a whor*?".
> ...


Thing is what do you do from here ? 

One thing clear to me is that she is never in a million years going to change 

With these kind of people they always have reasons, they never stop and it's the co dependant like us that gives them their way of life on a platter

I had 15 years and in the end torched it. 
Enough - Fk their reasons. All their 'reasons' resulted in destroying everybody's else lives and guess what ? somehow it never seemed to be their fault - only mine or somebody elses. 

I'd rather be on my own than on the roller coaster with someone who I loved but was damaged and who will inevitably destroy my life again


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Thing is what do you do from here ?
> 
> One thing clear to me is that she is never in a million years going to change
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Headspin has his "A" game on today. This is exactly what I was trying to say.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

For someone who has addiction problems she sure seems to have had a lot of freedom to be out with friends without you drinking and partying. Living a singles life.

Do you have 100% transparency of her now?

Has she agreed to NEVER again go out without you along?

I'd insist upon a polygraph now and down the road as well as monthly drug testing.

You need to be committed to kicking her out and filing for D if she wont actually change.

Unfortunately I think you know that you've only got the tip of iceberg and she's likely been doing guys for drugs all along, not just random encounters,

Also she needs an std test.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Differentguy,
After I showed my wayward wife the door, she finally hit bottom in her life and got help. She has been diagnosed as a sex/love addict. When I read up on what that exactly means it did bring me a sense of peace. It explained so much of her behavior and why things I tried to heal the marriage did not work.

But what stood out to me most about sex/love addiction was how I had no chance of salvaging my marriage. All addicts must hit rock bottom and then make a choice about their future. Only the addict can decide. We cannot love them; reason them or coddle them to health.

Protect yourself and the kids. Let her hit bottom and make her take responsibility for her future. You and I are not qualified to help the sex/love addict.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> For someone who has addiction problems she sure seems to have had a lot of freedom to be out with friends without you drinking and partying. Living a singles life.
> 
> Do you have 100% transparency of her now?
> 
> ...


Hindsight is 20/20 and I admit to being a complete moron. Please remember that until 4 weeks ago, I thought the only indiscretion was a drunken kiss 10 years ago that she immediately confessed to me by phone before she had even left the party.

As for letting her go out, it was a huge point of contention with us. I would let her go out with her friends and she would get hammered. So, no going out. After a while, when she seemed to be doing better, I would let her go out with friends I trusted. She would be fine not drinking. I would let my guard down and she would get hammered again. It seemed like it was once every year or two, a "slip" or so I thought.

Yes, we did have the divorce talk. I told her that I needed to know every secret she had if we were to R. Each time she has TT me, I tell her that she is making it impossible for me to trust her. I want to at least give her credit for admitting this stuff, but I don't know if I understand her motivation. Is it because I have made such a strong effort in the last few months in rebuilding our marriage. (I had no idea it was this broken)

We have both agreed that drinking is destroying our lives, even occasional drinking. I have complete control at the moment. We have one cell phone which we share, and I drive her almost everywhere. I have my fears about the drugs, but the truth is, she didn't need to trade sex for drugs for much of the past 5 years. She stole from our account. Was doctor shopping. Was able to steal money and drugs from a family member who I found out had an addiction, and they were ordering pills by the 1000's through the internet. She opened credit cards, etc. Plus, for most of the last few years, due to doctors and "treatment", we was getting her fix from them using legally prescribed pills.

The EA at work seems to have only lasted for a week, and the possibility was there for sex, although I have to admit it would have been difficult. I was driving her to and from work and my neighbor worked there (small office). She was high at the time from "legal" pills. If she did anything, its because in her sick mind, I was a neglectful husband and she liked the attention, not because of a need for drugs. Maybe that's worse.

It almost makes me laugh now. The first time she cheated on me with full sex, the next day she had to go watch me perform the only wedding I have ever done. It was our neighbors. She was so hung over and I used almost line for line, the sermon our pastor had used. She said she wanted to die. Then, the day of the "kiss" with the EA, I dragged her to a Wednesday night church service where we started a series on marriage. She says she ended it the next day.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I do have a quick question for any tech savy people. I have the old cell phone she used to sext with this guy. We didn't use it long after that because it is such a cheap phone. I have tried looking into pulling off the old/deleted texts to confirm her story. I have had a difficult time sifting through all the websites that promise "spy gear". I am looking for ways to prove lies or honesty.

It is a cheat LG phone that doesn't even have a camera. I also want to get the info off her old Blackberry. It was backed up on Verizons site but I don't even know if the data is still there.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Retrieving the data from this old phone is more and more appealing to me. Any help?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Differentguy said:


> Retrieving the data from this old phone is more and more appealing to me. Any help?


Have a look in the evidence gathering thread. Maybe you can figure out who to PM if your question isn't answered in there.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ted-evidence-gathering-thread.html#post886718


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Differentguy said:


> Yes. She has been doing much better. Some of this she has no control over. I had to take away her access to money, and she has no car of her own right now. She wholeheartedly agrees with this also. If she had all of her freedoms back right now, I'm not sure how good she would be doing honestly.


Wrong. She has control over it. I have done D & A counseling as a chaplain, done a lot of counseling. Now my primary focus is working with combat Veterans. In fact i am late going to two group meetings to do two group sessions in locked psych units. One is mainly addicts.

Limiting access to things is one thing, to say you have no control over something is wrong. I get the addict mindset. But they can and do quit and stay sober. And many remain sober their entire life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to have her take a polygraph test, because your rationalizing why should couldn't have possibly cheated. Great logic, but her past choices scream that it really isn't likely that she only got high,

Sorry, but you should know that sex when high is fun time for such folks.

Also you are negotiating with her to get the truth, you should also recognize addicts lie and negotiate to preserve their ability to get high and keep going.

Serious polygraph time. Std test time. Drug test time.

She's not to be ever trusted again with secrecy, and freedom.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Wrong. She has control over it. I have done D & A counseling as a chaplain, done a lot of counseling. Now my primary focus is working with combat Veterans. In fact i am late going to two group meetings to do two group sessions in locked psych units. One is mainly addicts.
> 
> Limiting access to things is one thing, to say you have no control over something is wrong. I get the addict mindset. But they can and do quit and stay sober. And many remain sober their entire life.


Thanks Thorburn. Reading your thread helped me a lot. When I said she has no control, I meant in the physical sense. LIke she has no access to cash or charge, no car, limited freedom. I only meant that she has very little ability to mess up right now. If she had more freedoms, she would have the option to use/cheat, and would very likely choose to do so.

She has control over her actions. I have just taken control from her regarding freedom and money.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> You need to have her take a polygraph test, because your rationalizing why should couldn't have possibly cheated. Great logic, but her past choices scream that it really isn't likely that she only got high,
> 
> Sorry, but you should know that sex when high is fun time for such folks.
> 
> ...


As a former addict who has done some pretty despicable things before God entered my life, I make no illusions about the "fun" of sex with strangers, sex while high, the thrill of the chase and of getting caught. 

I think if anything kept her from having sex at work, it was the lack of ability, not the choice. 

BTW, I am already telling myself that they most likely had sex at work. That's why I want a crack at that phone.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

This is one of the worst WW situations I've heard. 

There is really no choice or even discussion on the matter. 

Divorce and seek FULL custody of the children. 

Use her drug dealing, and addiction against her. Hire a PI. He will get all you need. 

If there ever was an example of a "no win" situation for Reconciliation, this is it. 

For the kids sake, divorce her and get full custody. 

Maybe down the road she can have supervised visitation. 

Maybe. 

But the kids need her out of their lives and so do you. 

She is a menace, leech and a danger.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

You pretty much summed up how I have been feeling for the last month.  This is unbelievable.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Differentguy said:


> You pretty much summed up how I have been feeling for the last month.  This is unbelievable.



I am so sorry. This is horrific. I feel for you. I really do. This is just terrible. But you have to do what's best for the kids. 

I don't really see another way bro. I really don't. I mean if she were to have like a 6 month rehab and then you two and the kids moved to the middle of nowhere, then maybe. But, I think it's done bud. Done and done. 

I'm so, so sorry. Stay on TAM and vent here. Vent it all. It's gonna be okay.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> This is one of the worst WW situations I've heard.
> 
> There is really no choice or even discussion on the matter.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

OP - in particular that she is a menace/danger (to your _children_, and importance of you getting full custody of your kids after this all plays out. This _isn't just about you and her_ - there are 2 innocent children involved. if you put their interests first and foremost - then I think divorce is necessary, and inevitable.

sounds like she does not now, nor has she ever had even the capability to love you the way a wife should love a husband. she is too desparate, too seeking of too much love and approval to only get it from you. i.e. she is simply not marriage material. 
Ultimately I think you can continue to "love" her - but simply as a human being, not as a wife. 

but you don't have to set all these things in motion today, or make such decisions. One thing I think you do need to do today is set up some IC for yourself. you need this, in order to deal with your own addictiions and deal constructively with your wife's.......and to face the future and make it better than the past.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Reguardless of whether you stay with your wife or not, she needs serious help. You can not "babysit" her clean. As an addict in recovery myself (I never use the words former addict because I believe I will always be in recovery not recovered) I can tell you she should not be drinking period. Alcohol is a drug. Many addicts relapse over alcohol. I recommend inpatient treatment followed by actively working a 12 step recovery program. Please take this into consideration as she is the mother of your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> Ultimately I think you can continue to "love" her - but simply as a human being, not as a wife.


Sadly this may be true. Read Bashfull Bull and Broken Shadow for addiction threads, but yours is terrible. Your wife needs a lot of support. You will collapse trying to hold her together.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

I know what it's like. I have to count every dollar so he doesn't use it all. I stop myself from constantly checking up on him, but to do so, I have to emotionally distance myself from him. What kind of marriage is this? 

Anyway, I sent you a pm.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

Differentguy said:


> I am afraid this is going to be very confusing. There is just so much. I have been reading this forum for the last 6 weeks or so. I’m 38, wife 33, with two 5 year olds. Married 11 years. I have no one I want to share this information with, but I can't seem to function. It feels like constant panic attack. I sit here at work reading these forums over and over. Somehow it is comforting to know I'm not alone. After reading these forums, my problems don't seem as bad.
> 
> My wife and I have had great highs and terrible lows in our marriage. We met in ministry. We were recovering alcoholic/addicts who worked for a Christian rehab, but in different cities. Fell deeply in love. We became physical. When we told our bosses, we were asked to leave. Moved to her hometown. Got married 9 months after meeting (apparently not long enough to really get to know someone). Before marriage, she admitted to being promiscuous. Although disappointing (male ego), I had no major problem with it. I had also been sexually active. She told me had had been with 35-40 guys, had worked as a stripper for a few months, and even had a couple of lesbian experiences. I loved her and didn't care. Only thing that bothered me was I didn’t think I was getting the whole story. We did mostly well in our sobriety , but we did drink very occasionally. I am also jealous of her past because our sex life has never been good. Missionary position, she never initiates and is pretty boring in the bedroom.
> 
> ...


Bro, you need to cut your losses and get out of that marriage ASAP. That kid might not be yours either.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Thankfully they are twins. One looks just like me. The other more like her. I have been thinking about the paternity test at Walmart just to be sure. Sigh


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

DifferentGuy

I think you are wise to make no decisions right now.

Your wife has been carrying her baggage around a long time.

And she needs really good professional help.

Do you have all the truth? No.

Do you need all the truth? Probably not.


As I was reading your story the first thought that came into my mind was that your wife sexually abused as a child. Bam! Right on the money.

So your wife is telling you the truth now is actually a good sign.

But how strong are you? Can you handle the world of hurt she just dumped on you?

These are the things you need to deal with. Not just her lies, drug abuse and promiscuity but the fact that this pressure could trigger you as well.

So make no decisions about your marriage right now.

You both have your plates full and need sound professional help.

The key is to be honest with each other, enforce strict boundaries on your wife and get the necessary help for both of you.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. 

Your wife is a very sick person. Period. Divorcing her and kicking her out right now solves nothing for both of you. It will only make matters worse.

HM


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> DifferentGuy
> 
> I think you are wise to make no decisions right now.
> 
> ...


Telling you must be like coming out of the cold shadows.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your story is similar to mine..the rape, being a tramp, and even the stripper part.....

May I suggest to stop getting angry at the trickle truth.

3 years ago, when I was going thru this crap I played it cool, promised I would not leave, and let my old lady know that I just wanted to know what I was dealing with.

It was hard as hell to hold it back but to get the details I had to play nice.

It took a few days but my old lady opened up like a book.

It sucks you got angry with her (rightfully so BTW) but you took a big step back in getting her to open up.
You maybe able to regain some ground when she asks "why do you want to know" tell her your curios and like you mentioned earlier you are no stranger to this stuff...again promise her you won't hold it against her and are just interested in what she has become so the both of you can fix this together.

Keep in mind it tough for her also she is scared and ashamed..even humiliated.

So take a deep breath.

One more thing that worked for me was asking a guestion in the morning before work and having her answer it at dinner. It gives her time to reflect and realy think about the up and come discusion in the evening.

Hell just to get an acurate amont of OM she cheated with during our marriage took my old lady a day...then to break it all down took days..

To be honest my old ladies time line for the last 20 years was interesting..it was a time line of a very unhealthy marriage.

In short brother it went like this 7 years into M she started by our 19th anni she had 20 OM..some time she would go straight for a few years, but in the end she was off the charts.

In the end she was going to get killed if or seriously hurt if I didn't pull my head out of the sand and start giving a damb about her instead of money.

In the end the details aren't so important (i have seen enough porn) its the time line and the snow ball of self distruction she was heading down.

Good luck, details are a b1tch so becarefull what you ask for. It takes a guy with some serious balls to handle what she is about to tell you if you play your cards right.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

HWen she tells you she doesn't want to talk about it tell her " the 1st step to healing is facing the consequence of being honest with me and her self.

That kind of works

What worked best was play the freak and wanting to know.

In the end she has to feel safe and asured you won't bail when you hear all the bull crap she has to tell you. In the end she will have a sense of relief, and you will be stuck with all the pain.

But at least you will know who you are dealing with...and that might come in to play in the bed room...ya I'm wired different then most.

Again good luck in getting the true and full story.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Ok. We talked tonight. I started threatening divorce and got up to leave several times and she started coming clean. I am not going to list it because i started having to take notes on old envelopes and and i needed 4. If i listed what she told me tonight, you would call me a troll and tell me to leave. Note my complete lack of surprise, you guys were right. Sex for drugs on multiple occasions, random sex at just about every job she has ever had. Sex with men, sex with women. Sex with some of my friends years ago. It was the. Worst night of my life. I kept almost yelling at her to come totally clean or i was walking out the door, and more just kept coming. I damaged some of the walls and i have some broken glass i will need to clean up, but right now i feel nothing.
She had unprotected sex sometimes so now im worried. I guess its gonna be D after all. I havent added up all the encounters but its gotta be 50. And i learned today that, i kissed a guy really does mean we had sex.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

After it was over, i called her every awful name in the book and said we were done. I was screaming and punched a wall. She then packpedaled and said she made a couple up.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stay strong for your kids.

You will get thru this, we all do with or with out your old lady.

Has she told you why you got stuck with the vanilla sex, when complete strangers were getting the good stuff?

Now that she can no longer pretend to be this prim and proper wife that sticks to missionary...you could at least be getting the freaky stuff she gave other OM's

Phuck the backpedaling, what is she going to do to fix her self to be a better mother?

Even if you do bail, she has alot to think about, with the kids only being 5 yrs old she has a long way to go!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> After it was over, i called her every awful name in the book and said we were done. I was screaming and punched a wall. She then packpedaled and said she made a couple up.


Sorry mate that was all just waiting to come down on you

"She then packpedaled and said she made a couple up.":scratchhead:

With respect but that is tbf hilarious so that makes the other 48 less of a trauma then!? - christ sakes!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

On a more serious note it shows you she is damaged deeply the way she views men, relationships, you and your children all adds up to a person that simply does not intrinsically need to be married 

Although not so intense but still a serial cheat my wife lived the life of a single woman in our marriage similarly she simply had no boundaries when it comes to opposite gender 'interest' emptionally or physically 

These people should be properly single then they can fk whoever they want not attached to loving caring husbands or wives who invest a lifetime of love and care into them.

They know it's wrong but not giving a sht just sail on regardless

Be strong


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I did something similar. Drank a fifth and 1/2 of bourbon. I was working and living in another city. It was around Dec. 13 2012. I had my wife meet me at a hotel. Pretended that we were going to have an OK time. When she got there I went off on her. I said this is either goodbye or you tell me everything. I told her to tell me everything. She got caught on Nov. 29th and was just TT me. She went through her entire life history. She then had to take me to the E.R.

She lied. Sure she told me that they had sex more then once but that they had sex four times. It was a lie. She had not ended the A. Then I went into a false R until late April 2013.

Even punching the walls and being the drama king these cheaters lie.

I do believe mine came clean with everything in late April, but the hel* I went through to get there is beyond anything a human being should be subject.

When she gets to a point where she will tell you the truth, where she is an open book and does not TT you, or give you what she wants to tell you, you will just hear words. They can play this so slick. I saw through my wife but she was pretty good at convincing me to the point I thought I might be obsessive or crazy. In the end the very things I was pressing her on and she was denying was in fact the truth. I was not crazy.

Hang in there. I became willing to lose everything, including her. That is what it took for me.

My oldest living brother is very successful. His second wife got into heavy drugs and started to hang out with some pretty nasty guys. My brother lived in Seattle at the time. He got full custody of their son and he was around 3 years old. He is now in college and though my brother and his ex live close to each other in VA, my nephew has had very little to do with his mother over the years. She is clean and sober, remarried and had an encounter with God and is doing well, but all the back history ruined her relationship with her son. 

Some times you just have to let them go.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> After it was over, i called her every awful name in the book and said we were done. I was screaming and punched a wall. She then packpedaled and said she made a couple up.


You have to do what is best for you. You have every right to be angry. 

Just do not make those life altering decisions until you have calmed down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I am at work, but can't think. We talked this morning. She admitted to a bunch of stuff. We went through the list and some stuff near the end she made up because she didnt' want to tell me the truth about the most embarrassing stuff. She had been having sex for drugs with her pill dealer. Also was having sex and bjs at the methadone clinic for more stuff. Then was the one she really didn't want to share. She started going down to the hood and having sex with crack dealers for drugs.

I am numb and should get some work done. 

Oh, by the way, all of the sex with women was true. I think my wife is a lesbian because she has been used by men so badly. Also, she wasn't an escort for 2 months. It was 6 and it was roughly 2 guys a night, 4 nights a week.

I just want to wake up from a nightmare. I want to be angry with her. I want to hate her so much that I stop caring.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> You have to do what is best for you. You have every right to be angry.
> 
> Just do not make those life altering decisions until you have calmed down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I have agreed not to do anything drastic. I am trying to find a counselor NOW. She needs long term treatment. Once she is gone, I can experience life with just me and the boys. It should give me distance and more clarity. I feel strongly that I will be able to see that we are better off without her. 

I did tell my boss this morning. Just that I have been finding out about some "infidelity" and apologized for being flaky lately. I trust him and he is probably my best friend. But I can't tell anyone the real truth. Not yet at least. It is freaking horrifying. I need to stop crying in my office. Thank you God for TAM. And thank you so much for sharing this with me.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

God, how horrifying. I was lucky that I caught H before his addiction escalated too much. He had started making dates with prostitutes, but would back out (so he still says). 

Take care of yourself. Right now you need to just concentrate on eating, drinking water, taking care of the kids.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

now_awake said:


> God, how horrifying. I was lucky that I caught H before his addiction escalated too much. He had started making dates with prostitutes, but would back out (so he still says).
> 
> Take care of yourself. Right now you need to just concentrate on eating, drinking water, taking care of the kids.


Thank you. I just called a long term treatment facility. They started praying with me and I broke down. I feel like I'm gonna get dehydrated.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I don't know peoples feelings about referencing God and don't want to offend or break the rules. I am not sure if this is God or not, but the treatment center I called is a local long term Christian home for women. Who happens to be there, but a woman who used to work with my wife and I, and who my wife partied with. I shared very vaguely what was going on and finally got the courage to ask her. Last night my wife claimed that they once kissed in the parking lot at work. I very calmy asked over the phone if this was true. She said absolutely not. Just called my wife and told her the story and mentioned the woman at the end. Told her she denied it. Wife said it didn't happen. This is freaking killing me. Why would she "add" scenarios? She even gave me some details last night. She walked me through a bunch of infidelities over a 4 hour period, then admitted to making some of them up. Is she trying to stomp out my heart?


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

I don't know why she would be making things up at this point. All I can think of is that she's just so used to lying. Also, sex addicts have such deep shame, maybe it's a way to punish herself? In any event, she's hurting you more, and you really need to detach right now for your own sanity. You need to protect yourself first. 

I don't know about any rules about mentioning religion or God here. If God helps you right now, latch onto it! if you're wife chooses to stick with a 12 step program, God will become very present in your life anyway!


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

now_awake said:


> I don't know why she would be making things up at this point. All I can think of is that she's just so used to lying. Also, sex addicts have such deep shame, maybe it's a way to punish herself? In any event, she's hurting you more, and you really need to detach right now for your own sanity. You need to protect yourself first.
> 
> I don't know about any rules about mentioning religion or God here. If God helps you right now, latch onto it! if you're wife chooses to stick with a 12 step program, God will become very present in your life anyway!


The sick thing is, we met in ministry. I worked at a church for the first few years of our marriage, and she admitted to sleeping with people while I was working. We moved and worked at another ministry, and she had threesome sex with my good friend/coworker and his girlfriend/coworker. Also had some random ONS stuff when she went out during that time. 

God please help me...


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

This is starting to go off on the deep end (better not be a JB thread).

Dude, just get out, whatever it takes just go. Its never going to get better because she is mentally ill and should not be in a relationship with anybody. She will never be "normal".

You can't save her, you can save yourself and the kids. Don't worry about what's true or not anymore, you know enough to know its time to leave.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

JB thread?

I don't know how to convince you this is real. If I wasn't living it, I wouldn't believe it either. What do you want me to do, post the pics of how I destroyed my bedroom wall, or the scrapes on my hands? Please tell me what I can do. I just need a friend and I agree this is turning into the worst thread I have read in the month I have been reading here.

I agree. I need to get out. I am meeting with my pastor first thing in the morning. I called a local long term treatment center for women. I am gonna need to get sponsorship to be able to afford it, and will talk to some churches. She has nowhere to go or I would have asked her to leave already.

Because of the lack of response, I figured either 
a)my story is just too freaking crazy (think Im a troll)
b)it is so shocking that people don't even know how to respond.

I swear to Christ this is real and this is the worst day of my life. I am not trying to win the worst WW thread ever award. Everything I have told you is exactly what has happened. I have married the most damaged woman I will probably ever know.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Calm down. Have you eaten today? You need to. 

You also need to get STD tested soon, unfortunately.

As for telling people, you don't need to give details. Just saying your wife was unfaithful is enough. 

Where is your wife now? When is she going into the treatment facility?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Calm down. Have you eaten today? You need to.
> 
> You also need to get STD tested soon, unfortunately.
> 
> ...


Thank you. No, I haven't eaten today. Thank you for reminding me. I will force something down later. I really haven't eaten much in a few days. 

Yeah, I'm not giving any more details. It's too unbelievable anyway. My wife is at home with our friend. I asked her to come over so they could talk. I just ran home to check on her to make sure wife is doing ok. I was relieved when she said she came clean about everything with the friend. I mentioned a couple of details to see her reaction, so it seems she did. I am actually really anxious right now. I set up a VAR on the back porch where they are talking, as well as in the bedroom. Even though I will be leaving this woman, I have to know what was said.

We are going to the clinic tomorrow. As for treatment, we have to arrange financing. I am meeting with a counselor tomorrow, for recommendations on long term treatment facilities.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What are you going to do after she's admitted?

You need to be really careful here. You're going to get sucked into a vortex if you let yourself, and you're going to spiral down with your wife. You need to detach. I am not saying don't help her, but take the attitude of a guardian, NOT a husband. Why do you still feel the need to know what's said? Why did you plant a VAR? Why did you run home to check on her? These are not the actions of a guardian, they're the actions of someone getting sucked in.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Because its so fresh. I literally found out about the depth of her depravity like 19 hours ago. And because she is still in my home. I want to know of anything ongoing currently. It will take a little time (week or 2) to get in to see counselors and get everything arranged for her to go into long term treatment. 

Once she is in long term treatment (minimum one year), I will begin to make plans to divorce her. This will be the distance I need to give me some clarity.

If I shared more of the details, you would swear I was lying. It is truly the worst possible thing I could imagine.

Also, we have had a father/daughter relationship for years because she couldn't be trusted. I do see myself more as her guardian.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ok. It sounds like you have a plan. Just be careful and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Go eat now.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Differentguy said:


> Thank you. No, I haven't eaten today. Thank you for reminding me. I will force something down later. I really haven't eaten much in a few days.
> 
> Yeah, I'm not giving any more details. It's too unbelievable anyway. My wife is at home with our friend. I asked her to come over so they could talk. I just ran home to check on her to make sure wife is doing ok. I was relieved when she said she came clean about everything with the friend. I mentioned a couple of details to see her reaction, so it seems she did. I am actually really anxious right now. I set up a VAR on the back porch where they are talking, as well as in the bedroom. Even though I will be leaving this woman, I have to know what was said.
> 
> We are going to the clinic tomorrow. As for treatment, we have to arrange financing. I am meeting with a counselor tomorrow, for recommendations on long term treatment facilities.



you need to see a counselor ASAP to deal with your own emotional crisis and trauma. I think at the moment that's more important than arranging drug treatment for your wife.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

If you're sure about divorce, there's no reason to use the VAR. You know everything you need to know right now. Nuclearnightmare is roght, you need to get in counseling now. Have you checked to see if there's an S-Anon group in your area? The people in my group have really helped me to see the impotance of detachment in the early days.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I appreciate your advice about the VAR, but I am glad i did it now. I got to listen to her tell bits and pieces to her friend. She minimized and actually made me sound like the problem at times. It has hardened my heart and given me a picture into who she is.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You and her need HIV tests ASAP. Her lifestyle put her and you both in the infinite risk category. 

Given that she was having sex with dealers and users, it's very likely she's contracted things, hopefully not HIV.

Your kids might have it too btw since she was doing this prior to them.

Have you got them DNA tested?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

She was tested today. I will be tested tomorrow. The kids are healthy . I will be getting a paternity test this weekend.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

DiffGuy

You need to make a list of all the things you need to do. 

Prioritize the list.

Write it down so you can check things off as you complete them.

And the reason your wife is making things up is not too hurt you directly but to get you to give up on her.

This is a common phenomenon in abuse victims.

They feel they are not worthy of true love and loyalty. So they hurt those that do love them in order to push them away.

Because they feel they are not worthy of your loyalty and affection.

And yes she is still acting out by lying to you.

Very sad.

Stay tough. Stay firm. Make that list and make your wife accountable.

Keep posting and take care of yourself. Your family needs you more than ever now.

HM


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Differentguy said:


> She was tested today. I will be tested tomorrow. The kids are healthy . I will be getting a paternity test this weekend.


Did the test include HIV?


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> Thank you. No, I haven't eaten today. Thank you for reminding me. I will force something down later. I really haven't eaten much in a few days.
> 
> Yeah, I'm not giving any more details. It's too unbelievable anyway. * My wife is at home with our friend. I asked her to come over so they could talk. I just ran home to check on her to make sure wife is doing ok.* I was relieved when she said she came clean about everything with the friend. I mentioned a couple of details to see her reaction, so it seems she did. I am actually really anxious right now. I set up a VAR on the back porch where they are talking, as well as in the bedroom. Even though I will be leaving this woman, I have to know what was said.
> 
> We are going to the clinic tomorrow. As for treatment, we have to arrange financing. I am meeting with a counselor tomorrow, for recommendations on long term treatment facilities.



*DG:
*
*This is no time for irony, but I guess you should be glad she did not make out with THIS woman too.*


You should also be thankful for the following, if:

* You and she have not contracted any serious STD.

* The twins are biologically your offsprings.

* She does not have a breakdown, and taking care of that too is not heaped on top of your already Herculean mental load.

* She does not owe the drug dealers any big amount of money (beyond what is paid for with sex), and they don’t come after you.

* Your children have not developed any unhealthy coping mechanisms by now, which you are yet not aware of.

* You are able to eventually divorce without too much chaos, and move on without severe PISD.

* She accepts the inevitable, gets good counseling and becomes a more wholesome, self-respecting individual (who then might even reconnect better with your children). This appears remote, *because her level of dysfunction might need more than a counselor or two. It might need a whole department of psychotherapy. So it seems.*




And , *with due respects to you, I am sure many of us would be thankful if you indeed ARE a troll.*

Because this is a new low of infidelity revelations, even for TAM.

Wish you strength, patience & wisdom.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I wish i was a troll. I really do. I am meeting a counselor in 2 hours and can't wait. The wife and i talked last night. I think the truth came out. She did cheat on me throughout our marriage with around 5 or 6 guys for sex/emotional needs/whatever as well as a couple women. Her version is she started just naming random friends and situations hoping i would just stop. She didn't want to admit to sex for drugs. 3 years ago when her addiction was the worst, she admitted to having sex several times for pills. What she didn't want to admit was that she started getting into crack. She did some awful things (worse than the others). Yeah, there is no coming back from this.

I knew she was an addict, but wow, just wow.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

If I took 2 or 3 drinks I wont be able to hide it from anybody. Your wife was using drugs, cracks pills and was having sex with anyone available but it seems like you are shocked and came to know about this now only, in which world have you been living through out this? In Mars or Venus?

Any way take care of yourself, then about your wife; Actually did you had a wife?


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Differentguy said:


> I appreciate your advice about the VAR, but I am glad i did it now. I got to listen to her tell bits and pieces to her friend. She minimized and actually made me sound like the problem at times. It has hardened my heart and given me a picture into who she is.


I stand corrected. I would have wanted to know that too.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> If I took 2 or 3 drinks I wont be able to hide it from anybody. Your wife was using drugs, cracks pills and was having sex with anyone available but it seems like you are shocked and came to know about this now only, in which world have you been living through out this? In Mars or Venus?
> 
> Any way take care of yourself, then about your wife; Actually did you had a wife?


I thought i was living with an addict. She has been doing counseling, in patient rehab and the like for several years. Methadone was even suggested by a doctor. During this time with methadone was the very worst as far as the sex acts. During this time, we had opposite schedules, I wworked during the day, she did at night.

I admit to being a moron, but she is a master of manipulation. This isn't my fault.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Differentguy said:


> I admit to being a moron, but she is a master of manipulation. This isn't my fault.


You can't change her, but you can change how you react to the knowledge you now have.

She's never stopped being a liar and an addict, or a manipulator.

So it's likely she is still at it - all of it, even now.

How do you know she isn't using now? And when you divorce her, won't she just go back and keep at it?

Can you get her drug tested right now?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> You can't change her, but you can change how you react to the knowledge you now have.
> 
> She's never stopped being a liar and an addict, or a manipulator.
> 
> ...


She is using the "legal" pills her psychiatrist prescribes to maintain. They are pretty powerful. 

I will try to get her drug tested by her doctor on Monday.

I was supposed to meet with my pastor this morning, but he showed up to tell me that he was called in to his day job.

Also, school called and son is sick. So now I am watching him. I was going to use this day to meet with some experts. Phone it is i guess.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

> I suspect it's because you are looking for it not to be her responsibility, that its beyond her control which would mean she didn't choose to willingly betray you



THIS^^^^ is so true. My story is too long, but husband cheated at least 13 times with hookers and has been cheating on me the whole 20 year marriage with 900 calls, cyber and porn. He was in therapy after I found out about the hookers and they said he was a SA, well, I tried and tried to look at it as something he couldn't help, a compulsion, addiction etc, but at the end of the day I just wanted there to be some reason for him doing other than the obvious,,he wanted to.

He still to this day claims it was out his control, he couldn't help it, it had nothing to do with me, blah..I don't care anymore WHY he did it, the end result is the same. He even admits that even though he felt like he had no choice, he did and made the wrong one every time, well, hope it was worth it because he lost the best thing he ever had.

I am not trying to sound harsh here, but for me, a cheater is always a cheater and I am not going to live with one.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Thanks Angel for your perspective. Lots has happened since my last post. I haven't wanted to post cuz It seemed ppl thought i was lying. Plus the truth that i have gotten so far is better in some ways and horrifyingly worse in others. I met with my pastor this morning. We will go see her psychiatrist next week. Gotta get her in treatment asap. I actually took her to dinner last night. And she was eye f***ing the waitress at one point, for like 3 minutes. Kept trying to be sly about it. I called her out and she apologized. I gotta get her out of my home.

Does the pain of the betrayal get better?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> Does the pain of the betrayal get better?


Never 

Just the triggers become less frequent - but when it hits 

.......it's as if it were ten minutes ago


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm sorry that's it even worse than you've written about.

At least the veil of lies is being remove from your eyes and you can deal with the truth and finally protect yourself.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are doing the right things:
1. Getting tested for STV's and HIV
2. Getting paternity testing
3. Seeing a lawyer. It is essential that you sue for full custody. Your wife is a threat to your children and herself. Did she ever bring the children around her dealers? Did she ever have sex in your home while your children were around?


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

You're welcome, sorry you, me, or anyone else has to experience this particular type of betrayal. Does it get better? Yes, but only for me did it get better when I gave up on the marriage. I knew from day one cheating was a deal breaker for me, but gave it all I could for a year and decided that no matter how much I love him I can't move past it. 20 years I gave my very best, all I had to a man that was capable of betraying me over and over again with his lies, cheating and towards the end, some physical and verbal abuse..enough is enough and you will know when you have had enough her BS.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

DG, forgive yourself. It wasn't your fault. You never had a chance in the first place. Your wife is not relationship material and she belongs in your past.

Who will pay for her treatment ?

What is you relationship with your family now ?(Especially after she stole from them and you kept supporting them)

Call your family and apologize to them for being blind to your actual wife.

Get counseling for yourself...


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> DG, forgive yourself. It wasn't your fault. You never had a chance in the first place. Your wife is not relationship material and she belongs in your past.
> 
> Who will pay for her treatment ?
> 
> ...


Thanks Warlock. I never defended her actions to them. It was more of an intervention. My relationship with my family and hers are very very good. They know she is the one with the problem. 
BTW, i bought the book Healing from the wounds of sexual addiction last night. I'm already half way done. It is helping give me alot of peace. God is going to be my center again. I have alot of work to do on myself. If she agrees to long term treatment, then i will assist her. But the bulk of support will come from church. We are going to meet with several specialists this week for a proper assessment of all of her addictions. My boys come first no matter what though.


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## Hartbrok (Jul 16, 2013)

Differentguy said:


> I appreciate your advice about the VAR, but I am glad i did it now. I got to listen to her tell bits and pieces to her friend. She minimized and actually made me sound like the problem at times. It has hardened my heart and given me a picture into who she is.


I had the same situation, where she was apologizing to me, while minimizing and lying about ti to friends and family. That definitely isn't someone who is remorseful. 

More reason to be done with her. Or as done as you can be with kids.

BTW, that's coming from someone who didn't take the same advice when it was offered to me, and should have.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

DG:

A little premature, but in case you are considering it:
Please rethink before you turn your life into a rehabilitation project for her.

The sense of nobility you might feel, the acknowledgement / appreciation from the pastor / church, family, the sense of being the bigger person and being on the good side of God, etc., might wear off soon enough, and you might find yourself in an inextricable emotional / financial noose.

You need to save yourself. This issue seems bigger than what you can solve in a few years. Or perhaps, in a lifetime. And you might be opting for pointless martyrdom.

*Help her AFTER you help yourself.* *From a safe distance.* For your, and your child’s / children’s, emotional safety.


Just an opinion.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Just an update I guess. On Saturday night, we bought the book "Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction". I saw my pastor on Sunday and confessed everything. We went to her psychiatrists on Monday and confessed everything. They made an appointment with a counselor on the 24th. What? That's the best they could do? I am still trying to find her a long term treatment center. I made an appointment with an I.C. this evening. To be honest, I can't freaking wait. 

If no one has read the book I mentioned, I can't recommend it enough. We have been reading the book together. I actually realized I used sex as a coping mechanism for years. I have struggled with porn and lust most of my life. It explains in detail how different family dynamics set up coping mechanisms for getting emotional needs met later in life. I had no idea how screwed up my wife's childhood was. Physical abuse, molestation, poor boundaries, spiritual abuse. Plus she was raped at 13 by a peer. 

So, just to satisfy the people who want the juicy bits.

She admitted to being an escort for 6 months before we met. She has now admitted to cheating on me with 8 men and 2 women. She also admitted that 5 of them were for drugs. But, she has pretty much admitted that I don't know all of it either.

Although it doesn't excuse her behavior, what is wrong with me? My God, I have failed as a husband, as a spiritual leader of our home. How could I be this clueless?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Differentguy said:


> Although it doesn't excuse her behavior, what is wrong with me? My God, I have failed as a husband, as a spiritual leader of our home. How could I be this clueless?


Don't be so hard on yourself, friend. We're certainly not born knowing and by the time a person has to learn about such things they're already in the thick of it.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Sorry you find yourself here brother. I don't comment much anymore because I'm not big fan of the victim mentality that is so often on display here. I believe in owning your choices and taking responsibility for the consequences. I believe sexual addition is just a new label given to people who are acting out sexually due to deep rooted psychological issues. You eluded to it yourself. This new label allows people to explain away a series of devastating betrayals. Your wife appears to be acting out from her unfortunate molestation. She cannot be saved by you or anyone else. She has to want to heal and if she does she will require a lifetime of treatment to make it happen. A book on sexual addiction will not make it happen. 

It's time to face reality and realize that your judgement was clouded when you married your wife. You chose to marry an admitted stripper/alchololic at a time when you were obviously vunerable. Now you find out she was a call girl, has cheated multiple times with both sexes, has lied extensively about her life and you still think you're the problem? I see now that your starting to blame yourself for her actions. It's obvious that your self esteem is suffering. A clear minded man with a healthy amount of self respect would be making plans to divorce her and would start working on ways to heal himself. Think about this. Do you think a person who lies and cheats about their entire life to her husband is acutally capable of loving and respecting another person? She doesn't know what love is and is desperately trying to find it anywhere she can. Please believe in yourself and realize that your next choice is the one that may define the rest of your life. 

Peace


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> She admitted to being an escort for 6 months before we met. She has now admitted to cheating on me with 8 men and 2 women. She also admitted that 5 of them were for drugs. But, she has pretty much admitted that I don't know all of it either.
> 
> Although it doesn't excuse her behavior, what is wrong with me? My God, I have failed as a husband, as a spiritual leader of our home. How could I be this clueless?




So, it was not a premature apprehension, after all, to think that you might take her up as your deliverance project.



You are beginning to approach this as a semi-spiritual conundrum. PLEASE rethink.

*I think Church leaders, community leaders, and even many knowhow leaders (psychologists, etc) approach such issues (‘Sex Addiction’, etc) with the pre-determination that someone (parent / spouse) must be made to shoulder the burden, so that the system (society) / church does not have to bear their full brunt. And the counsel offered is doctored to incorporate that aspect.*



*You read the book ‘Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction’, and think: “My God, I have failed as a husband, as a spiritual leader of our home. How could I be this clueless?”

If you read the book ‘Saving Your Life from a Sexual Freewheeler’*, you might think:”What the Devil? I was not born with the Heavy Duty Driving Licence to drive THIS weight. How can I stop?”*

* (No such book. Was just making a point).




It’s not your fault or onus. Stop short that line of thought. *No one, when he marries, signs up for such an extreme situation.

*This is not a physical / mental sickness that she contracted / developed after she married you, where the “in sickness and health… …” doctrine need be adhered to (if that is a criterion for you).

This (this mental issue / ‘addiction’ / situation) is a megalodon lurking under the surface. Your day-to-day, Childhood Trauma 101 fishing rods will not suffice. Don’t even try, if you ask me.



I am not suggesting you abandon her as a person. But that *it might be in your best interest to extricate yourself (and your child) from this surreal marriage you have been living in, and try to help her from outside, by choice, if you can, if you will.*

Your gluteus is on the line of a cluster bomb, brother. Please don’t try to be noble here. Be practical – for your, and your child’s, future’s sake.


P.S.: I am not a believer, so you may discount my suggestions on that light.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I need to clarify a couple things. My wife chose to cheat on me multiple times. My wife has chosen to to do drugs for much of our marriage. Those are the choices that she made.

I chose to turn a blind eye at times. I chose to think the problem wasn't as bad as it really was, dispite evidence to the contrary. 

What i am trying to take ownership of is not her choices. I am trying to understand how i chose such a deeply disturbed person and looked the other way about many of her destructive choices. This isn't about her cheating. I am looking back at all of the times i let her sleep, all of the times i let her be completely selfish and did not insist on more out of my partner. I am trying to own my choices in this so that i don't repeat them with the next person i choose.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I have a legal question. My wife was going to a methadone treatment center. She confessed to them that she had unprotected sex for drugs. They "mentioned" to her that she should share it with me. They were acting as her counselor at the time. Are they not legally required to notify me when my health is in danger?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I guess I wanted to update to get all this crap straight in my head. So most everything she told me is a lie. Here is what i know. She did have drunken sex with a coworker on june 12, 2004. This is very close to our second annoversary . She has been lying to cover up what she did 3-4 years ago. So, apparently, she smoked crack with some other idiots at the methadone clinic. This triggered something in her since, yes, she was an escort for 6 months. This was before we met. She got into crack at that time. After she smoked with them, She started going down to the ghetto for crack. Supposedly, she bought it the forst 2 times. Then, over the next 6 months, she started having sex for crack. This happened between 30-40 times. She admitted to sex with multiple people. Sometimes sex at different houses in the same morning. The last time she went sown there, she had sex with 2 men, then raped by 2 more. They choked her unconscious. She says she thought she was gonna die and never went back. She also admitted to sexting with a coworker 1.5 years ago. 

So...anyone else relate to this? This is so freakin bad. Wtf. We are a middle class family in the suburbs. 

We are going to counseling individually right now. Got tested. Negative so far. Agreed with counselor not to do anything for 90 days. Why? Why are they asking me to wait? Seriously, how does someone "get over this?" Besides the dang crack days, theres also the escort days. Between 80-100 clients during that time. Plus the oral sex days at the strip club. 

Polygragh coming in 2-3 weeks. Regardless of what happens, i have to find out the truth.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What do YOU want to do right now?


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

There are levels of addiction and your wife is way, way out there. She's completely out of control. 
Experts like to say to wait 90 days while the addict gets under control. But I'm not sure why they assume that every spouse should even wait. Sometimes, the relationship just isn't salvageable. If you know for sure that you can't get over this (I know I wouldn't be able to- the only reason I stayed is because I caught him before he acted out too much). There may be forgiveness far into the future, but you have every right to protect yourself. In my H's SA group, everyone's relationship they were in when caught ended because of the addiction. It doesn't give me much hope for our future. 

Of course, your wife deserves compassion. She is clearly unwell and didn't deserve being raped. I'm just saying, it might be impossible for you to be the one to give that to her right now. And that's okay. Others will have to be there for her. And you need to find others that will be there for you. 

I have no idea about the legal question you asked. Maybe a lawyer would help with that?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Thanks. I forgot i even posted that question. I think the answer is, they are only required to tell me what happened if she tested hiv positive. Anyway, i don't know what i want to do. Sometimes i want to throw up. Right now, i just want the truth. As annoyed as i seem, waiting is the best option at the moment. Part of me wants to stay right now as a "thank you" to her for at least telling me. The truth is, she could have gone to her grave with this (and probably should have). I will be back shortly to finish my post. Thanks again.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You can still be there for her if you divorce her you know.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

DG

You answered your own question.

You stay.

Your counselor is right about a 90 day time limit.

Your emotions are high so make no life changing decisions for the next 90 days.

And as bad as your wife's actions are at least she was brave enough to tell you.

I am guessing she tested negative for std's? If yes she is very lucky.

You know how messed up she is. As angry as you are be there for her. Get her the proper counseling for abuse, drugs.

No matter what happens she will always be a part of your family and lives.

HM


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you have kids with her?

If not then never do, even if you stay with her.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Do you have kids with her?
> 
> If not then never do, even if you stay with her.


Yes. 2 kids.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Differentguy said:


> Yes. 2 kids.


Your first priority must be to them , to keep them away from influences that would soft peddle to them just how destructive drugs are.

I'm worried that your wife's influence on them may teach them that drugs and addiction is a valid choice in life. 

I say this because you are clean now, but your wife seems much less committed to it. 

Beyond her addictions, she seems mentally unstable. Perhaps the drugs have done that to her, or perhaps she was always suffering from mental illness and turned to the drugs to deal with it,

Whatever it is, your first priority needs to be to protect the children from ever going down this path, even if it means ejecting their mother.

Gave you talked to an attorney about getting full custody? Perhaps have you wife evaluated and declared mentally unfit to care for children? Then get her into a long term care program?

To put it bluntly - kids should never ever be exposed to your wife's world.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You think this is the worst case scenario, don't you ? There is hell waiting for you if you think it is..Not sure how old old your kids are, but take them away from them until she fixes herself..before the kids end up having issues because of their crackpot mom....


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> You think this is the worst case scenario, don't you ? There is hell waiting for you if you think it is..Not sure how old old your kids are, but take them away from them until she fixes herself..before the kids end up having issues because of their crackpot
> 
> one good thing is that, through her bout of honesty, she has admitted to some doctor shopping and other things. I told her that i am getting full custody. If she wants to dispute that, she will go to jail for her crimes.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Ok, update for the latest wrinkle. Last night she told me she made it all up. Except for the sex with a coworker in 2004. Now today, she says she made that up as well. Sigh. I left a message for a polygraph place just now.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> Ok, update for the latest wrinkle. Last night she told me she made it all up. Except for the sex with a coworker in 2004. Now today, she says she made that up as well. Sigh. I left a message for a polygraph place just now.


In addition to the polygraph she needs a good shrink, a straight jacket and a nice rubber walled room in a rehab clinic.

Please oblige her.

HM


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Holy crap.

You REALLY need to get away from her. She needs to be committed.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

She only said she made it up when you said you would go for full custody!!!


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> Ok, update for the latest wrinkle. * Last night she told me she made it all up. Except for the sex with a coworker in 2004. Now today, she says she made that up as well.* Sigh. I left a message for a polygraph place just now.



*yeah. tell her you made up the whole marriage.

if she concedes, then you can just walk free.*


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

Never ever leave her alone with your children. EVER!
My half aunt was sooooo far gone, she was picked up trying to sell her 3 children for drugs. Your wife sounds that far gone. 

I'm sorry.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Many of the "details" she gave me have been proven false. Now she says she made a bunch of it up. I truly have no idea what is going on except that i want away from her.


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## mr hillbilly (Jul 16, 2012)

*Re: Re: Sexual Addiction Perspective Help*



ShootMePlz! said:


> She only said she made it up when you said you would go for full custody!!!


Exactly


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

ShootMePlz! said:


> She only said she made it up when you said you would go for full custody!!!


I thought the same thing. That she was back pedaling from it because of my reaction. The problem is, verything i have been able to verify has been false. She didn't have sex with her coworker 1.5 yrs ago. I was able to verify this without a doubt (kinda funny story there). She didn't have sex for crack like she said. I have pulled up bank records and got her methadone records. Randomly Drug-tested every week and never came up positive. Several things that she said have been proven false. I obviously haven't been able to prove everything false. Also, she did have sex with a coworker early in our marriage, but once, not 4 times as her story goes. And she just sexted the coworker 1.5 yrs ago. 

She can't give me one plausible reason why she hass put me through this hell over the last 2 months. There was never any vindictive tone. She was begging and pleading me to forgive her. We have gone to 3 different counselors over this time, and have "confessed" her prostitution for crack, as well as affairs that never happened. We went down 2 weeks ago and were tested for std's. no hiv. final results back next week. She gave me elaborate details, that supposedly never happened. Some of the details she says she pulled from her escorting days. Yeah, that did happen. 

So....any advice? Have you ever seen a case of a spouse admitting to affairs that never happened? I am truly at a loss right now. Instead of a drug addicted prostitute, i just have a drug addicted former-prostitute psycho.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Testing your resolve, your love, pushing hard to see how far into being that degraded persona you can endure and still stay so she can prove herself she's redeemable... in the end lovable?

Maybe she really wanted out... except for the kid's part and realized the over the top exaggerations backfired?

Even it was all a buch of lies she backpeddaled the very moment you told she was about to be left without the kids?

She's indeed a very messed up individual in urgent need of consistent, intensive therapy.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Testing your resolve, your love, pushing hard to see how far into being that degraded persona you can endure and still stay so she can prove herself she's redeemable... in the end lovable?
> 
> Maybe she really wanted out... except for the kid's part and realized the over the top exaggerations backfired?
> 
> ...


Some of those make sense I guess. This whole thing seems unbelievable to me. We literally talked about this every day for the last 2 months. It started with her escorting past. I was/am still having a really hard time with that. Then she TT's me about other stuff, kissing guy, blah blah balh. Due to her past, I push her hard for the truth. Seriously, like every couple days she would say "OK, here is the truth...". Now I have no idea what the truth is, and what was made up. In my mind, people only make up stuff if they are hiding things they perceive as much worse. Every time I would catch her in a lie, it would get worse, which made it more believable in my head. Truthfully, none of this sounded like her at all. She is a pill addict, but I stupidly never questioned her fidelity. 

My gut was telling me she wasn't being totally honest here, but it never occurred to me she could be making this stuff up. In the last 6 weeks, I called her every name in the book, I have slept on the couch, told her there was no coming back from this. Told her she was gone. 1 night I left the house and slept in our van. She "lied" to me for 3 weeks that she was a crack wh*** during our marriage. I was shouting at her. How does someone not come clean during this if it didn't happen. I have almost totally ignored my kids. I feel like such a jerk. They have spent most of the weekends watching movies and getting ignored. 

I feel like I can't get over this. I can't decide what is worse, that she cheated on me so early in our marriage, or that she has completely devastated me emotionally the last 2 months with lies. 

I went back last night and listened to her confession to her friend. She lied to her about sleeping with her coworker 1.5 years ago. I know this is a lie. I feel like if I can't wrap my head around why she lied, then I won't be able to trust anyone. Plus I can't stop playing the real sex story with the coworker in my head.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Also, one fact I am having a real hard time with. 

When she first admitted to sleeping with the coworker, she was confessing a real ONS. She still says this happened. But here is how she did it. After me pleading angrily with her to come clean, she says "I had sex with Gabriel, and I kissed (coworker)". 

So now she does admit to sex with Gabriel, but she swears the kiss never happened. What is the opposite of TT? Has anyone ever seen someone admit to an affair, but throw in another made-up one just for good measure? This doesn't make a lick of freaking sense, and my wifes not a moron, no history of "crazy", just addiction.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Amazing. This thread seems to be a whole new entity on TAM – *‘troll by proxy’.

*Usually, there are trolls coming in to taunt the posters with extraordinary tales of deceit and sexual excess. Here, the poster’s wife is seemingly doing it to him (trolling him in effect).

Or is he trolling TAM by proxy?




If you are not a troll, please accept my dishonest apology.
I am just having a bad day.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> Amazing. This thread seems to be a whole new entity on TAM – *‘troll by proxy’.*
> 
> Usually, there are trolls coming in to taunt the posters with extraordinary tales of deceit and sexual excess. Here, the poster’s wife is seemingly doing it to him (trolling him in effect).
> 
> ...


At first your post made me intensely angry. But i do understand how farfetched this story is. I'm living it and it is totally unbelievable. 

A word of advice for some of you. You are on such high alert for trolls that you ignore the people with the most extreme problems. I know what happened to me is real. And i feel like ive been called out in a couple of posts for being a troll. This tells me that there are more people out there with real problems that get rejected here. I guess its not your job to accept everyone here with open arms, but the feeling of rejection i got from here has added insult to injury. 

The truth is i have been cheated on. And my wife was an escort before we met. To top t off, my wife decided to make the problem a 1000 times worse. This has definitely been the worst time of my life.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

I'm at a loss as to why your W is acting this way. What does she say when you ask her why she would make these things up?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

now_awake said:


> I'm at a loss as to why your W is acting this way. What does she say when you ask her why she would make these things up?


Thanks for the reply. It really means a lot.

She can't give me a straight answer. She says she isn't sure. SHe has given me some possible motives. I was also able to meet with my IC last night. HE gave me some possible reasons he has seen also.

Wife says she was possibly trying to hurt me. Or to push me to see how much I loved her and would put up with. Or that she enjoyed the attention?!?! WTF!!!

My counselor said that given her escort past, she feels totally worthless, that everyone in her life has used her and left her. That it was possible she was either testing me, or feeling so worthless that she was giving me a reason to leave her since she thinks I'm gonna leave anyway.

She and I talked last night. Some of these rang true with her. I wish that made me feel better.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> I am just having a bad day.


Me too brother.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

I apologize (honestly this time) for causing you anger. As if you don’t have enough on your plate.

I just got upset vicariously.



As things stand, almost ANYTHING that you now find out about her sex life will be a consolation in comparison to what it has been blown up into.

Did she do just that? *Present you with the extreme, and thus temper you, so that you would view anything less as a better scenario? IS SHE THAT SMART?*




Or maybe it is just an i-don’t-deserve-you, must-hate-me-enough-to-leave-me, self-loathing campaign, driven by ghosts of her past.

The illogicality of this is: if this was the case, how come this self-hate didn’t show up in her behavior UNTIL you stumbled upon her secret life (or did she voluntarily confess?) 

And when she came clean, why did she gaslight you initially?

*Maybe it’s either extreme, with her.
*
Who the hell really knows the workings of the human mind?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

No apology really necessary *carpenoctem*, but I do appreciate it. After having time to really consider it, I guess all the people thinking my story was too out there to be believed were right. But when your spouse is telling you these things, reason takes a backseat.

These are great questions and I'm going to try to answer them for myself as much as you. No, she is not THAT smart. I love her to death, and I'm not saying she's dumb, but she wears her heart on her sleeve. She is not manipulative in that way. She has never been able to withhold her emotions or tongue to get what she wants down the road. In that way, I am much more manipulative than her.

You are 100% correct though. Anything she tells me now will pale in comparison to sex for drugs during our marriage. Truthfully, everything she has told me has kept me so mentally busy I barely thought about her escorting days.

Your last point has really hit on something I've been thinking about. I don't know your beliefs on God. I am going to share where I believe she is and hope no one is offended. We are Christians. She learned about God through her ultra religious, speaking in tongues, but beat her at the drop of a hat father. Her God is an angry, distant, and unforgiving God. She does not feel forgiven for her past. The grace of God is a mystery to her.

I think she had buried these feelings deep down. Once we started talking about her past, and how she had cheated on me, it was overwhelming for her. I still don't understand how we went down this path of lie after lie for the last 6 weeks or so, but I think you are correct with the "an I-don’t-deserve-you, must-hate-me-enough-to-leave-me, self-loathing campaign, driven by ghosts of her past" as you put it. That may explain why it didn't manifest itself so strongly before. It showed up in smaller ways, and I knew she didn't like herself, but the truth about her past, coupled with working through hurts from her childhood caused some sort of mental break.

Everything she has admitted she did on her own. I just kept demanding more because she trickle truthed me at first. Then she started trickle lying at some point. I'll stop Because this is getting so long. Thanks again *carpenoctem,* your post really was helpful.

I can't stop playing the sex over and over in my head. Does that go away with time? I demanded every detail and now I can't stop thinking about it.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Many cheaters have self loathing that they try to bury. Your wife has some pretty brutal experiences on top of all that to deal with. 

She needs to do trauma therapy for many years, I would suspect. I sincerely hope she can one day feel God's grace in her life. 

And I hope you keep taking care of yourself. None of this is your fault. Hurt people can't help but hurt those around them. Unfortunately, now you have your own wounds to deal with.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Edit-Making a new thread to get this question answered.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

so man, did you finally had the real number of EAs and PAs or she is still rewriting her story again and again?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

manticore said:


> so man, did you finally had the real number of EAs and PAs or she is still rewriting her story again and again?


Imdon't know anything at this point. One night maybe 6 weeks or so ago, she sat me down and said most of it was bull. Here is what she admitted to.

She drunkenly kissed a guy after we had been married a little over a year. It was confirmed just a kiss by a witness. She called me immediately and apologized. I was livid.

Just before our second anniversary, she got really drunk with some friends of ours. I didn't go because of a project i was working on. We talked several times that night. Her coworker gave her a ride home. They rode around for a while drinking and ended up having sex.

Year or two later she kissed a girlfriend of ours at a bar for a shot.

Short time later, drunkenly kisses guy on the dance floor. They are broken up by a friend of mine (never told me so not that good a friend I guess, but since hes in prison for bank robbery, karmas a *****).

Some months later, drunkenly dirty dances with a guy at a club.

After we move back to my home town, makes out with a girl for a minute or two that she is doing drugs with. They both say it is weird and stop.

She admits to flirting with random coworkers sometimes at some of the crap jobs she worked at over the last couple of years.

She sexted with a coworker 1.5 years ago for about a week. I confirmed this through ridiculous means. I made a fake online account, befriended him as my wife and confirmed that they never even kissed. 


She also admits to a whole bunch of terrible behavior before we met. Escorting, sex for drugs, etc. She says thats where the stories came from. She can't give me any reason why in hell she would make that stuff up if it didn't happen. We had a long talk tonight. I told her that i was watching her actions, not her words. She says i love you, but how can you love someone and put them through that torture. I told her i was not coping with this well, and wasn't sure how to. We discussed her getting an apartment after the holidays.

I don't want to be the jerk that judges someone for things they did years ago, but omg, a hooker? Sex for crack? I just don't know how to get over this. She was the town pump and there were red flags that i ignored obviously.

My christian counselor told me i am justified in getting divorced (not that i needed him to tell me). She is the mother of my kids, but the truth is, even without the infidelity, she has been a terrible wife. The only thing that kept me in this thing most of the time was my desire to not get divorced like my parents had. This has just shined a giant spotlight on all of the things wrong in our marriage. The drug abuse, infidelity, selfishness, etc.

She has nowhere to go really and no money. I told her tonight that we should start planning for a separation. I am tired of being miserable.

Edit-i forgot to answer your question. These are the things she admitted to. Is it the full truth? I dont know. She told some of lies of infidelity stuff very convincingly. I am getting to the point that it doesn't matter. I mean, i think i have enough to make a decision, don't you?

Thanks for asking by the way.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Crack only stays in your system for four days and methadone clinics are only required to do 8 tests a year. A lot of addicts also but other people's urine tests to pass drug tests. So really, testing negative for crack at a methadone clinic means nothing.

Get the polygraph. What you do know is she's a liar and you should doubt anything that comes out of her mouth.

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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