# Feeling lost, I think I married the wrong man



## Aleksandra (Aug 15, 2015)

Thanks for reading this guys. I really appreciate all your help.

The story: I'm under 30 and I've been married to my husband for five years, together for almost ten years. No kids. We've had a lot of problems over the years and nowadays we are constantly arguing and our sex life is non-existent.

The problem is that I've always felt that he's not that interested in me. We are also very different. I'm outgoing, emotional and intuitive, at times "all over the place", and I love living in the moment. My husband is a quiet, calm and rational person who doesn't like to show his feelings or to experience new things. These have been major issues for me over the years, but I still married him because I felt I loved him and that I enjoyed the little time we spent together.

When we started dating, he would mostly sit by his computer, and that hasn't really changed much. Over the years, he has initiated only a few things for us to do. He says that when he has spare time (meaning, whenever he's not working), he wants to do his own things because that makes him relax. He feels that doing things together as a couple is more of a chore than something genuinely enjoyable (with one exception: sex). Sometimes he wants to make dinner with me or watch a movie, but that's about it. So for instance today when I asked if we could do something fun this weekend, he said he wanted to focus on his own computer projects.

I understand his point of view and try to give him as much time for himself as possible. Also, I love spending nights at home, too, and sometimes we have really fun together. But I also want to go out and do things, enjoy life and have fun!

So, the truth is that I feel SO LONELY in our relationship. I don't have the energy to initiate 100 % of our "couple time". I want him to do his share, too. The last draw for me was my last birthday, when I didn't even get breakfast or a present from him. In the end, I booked a table for us at a restaurant on my own birthday because I wanted to celebrate it somehow.

By the way, I fully acknowledge that I am as responsible for our wellbeing as a couple than he is. For instance, I can be a very difficult person at times, and I have been working with my flaws to improve them.

I'm just really afraid that I will always be unhappy with him in way. I need to spend time with my husband and I need him to feel happy when doing things with me. That's why I've been thinking of getting a divorce. He has even said the same thing, he says he's not sure if he's happy with me anymore. However, even the thought of a divorce makes me absolutely shattered. I still love him so much. We've been together since we were 19 so I really can't picture a life without him. And then I'm of course thinking about things like "Will I ever meet someone again", "What if I won't have any kids"...etc. I really don't know what to do.

So, from an outsider's perspective, could you please tell your thoughts? Thank you!


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## lilbitoluv (Aug 14, 2015)

I'm sorry but I really had to fight to continue reading after you said you have always felt he wasn't that interested in you. Huge red flag. If a man is not making you feel wanted, is not interested in doing anything with you, and you feel responsible for anything you might do together is a problem. No kids? Get a divorce honey. it will be okay and You will find someone who DOES want to be with you and will make it very obvious. Do not let that man take all your young years and fill them with unhappiness. It will make it much harder for you to accept real love later. Because I will tell you one thing, if you dont get one now, another 10 years will go by and he will be done with you, and he will find another wife not long after, but you will still be in recovery over his bs. Do yourself a favor and save yourself sweetie. It will not change. 

I knew a woman who had a husband like that. Never a gift on holidays, never wanted to do anything, ever. She finally got the strength to leave him. She moved out of state got a new man and everything. He came after her, won her back somehow, she went back to be with him again, and it was the same crap all over again. People are who they are. You are who you are. Give yourself the opportunity to be with someone who is more on your wavelength.

I don't like the idea of divorce but I am grateful for the chance to get out of something bad if ever i have to! Divorce is not a failure sometimes it is indeed a victory. A victory of getting yourself back.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Aleksandra said:


> He feels that doing things together as a couple is more of a chore than something genuinely enjoyable (with one exception: sex).


This man should not be married.

Everything you are feeling is completely rational and understandable. If you do divorce, please don't worry about finding someone else. You will, and even have children. I'm sure of it.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You knew he was this way when you were dating him, did you think he would change when you got married? This is a big mistake both women and men make. You two sound like you aren't compatable. Your going to have to make a decision about having children so if you don't see yourself having children with him then it's a good time to divorce so you can find someone you are more compatable with. He isn't going to change and odds are you will become more frustrated and resentful.


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## jb7764 (Apr 25, 2013)

I could have swore that I wrote this. i married my husband at 19, felt the same way as you. He always chose his games or friends over me. But I was young and dumb and thought that the nice things he did do and the good times that we did have were worth it. We've been married for 10 years now and while we have had some horrible downs, we've had some good up times. But here I am on this site, again after posting about some issues a few years back, still questioning wether or not we should still be married. I want kids and he doesn't anymore. We are completely out of sync in our sex life. And he has control issues that make our marriage unequal and difficult at times. His issues make me resentful and I try to get some control back from him which seems to make him worse and spiteful, but I don't know how to create equal ground and I'm not sure he wants it like that. And his not listening to my wants and needs drive me crazy and I don't know how to react to that so I get crazy and even childish sometimes. 

We are in a constant state of either fighting, resentment, or trying to work on things. And quite frankly it's exhausting. Right now I'm trying to decide if I have the energy to continue to work on things and if it's even worth it. Right now I lean towards not bothering anymore. But I share your fears. Can I find someone better suited to me? What if I end up in another relationship worse than this one? What if I don't find anyone until it's too late for me to have children? I'm 29 and already have proved to have issues with infertility. i also fear being able to support myself since I have a pretty crappy job with bad pay right now. 

I know you said that you've been together for 10 years already so it being a long term relationship like that makes it even harder because you already have so much history. Is he worth trying to work things out to be in your future? Will you be happy in another 5 years if nothing changes? Will you be miserable? 

I find it extremely difficult to answer these questions myself because of my fear to start over. But the truth is, I already know the answers to them but can't take that first step forward. 

Whatever you decide to do I hope you are able to take that first step. Good luck.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Your marriage sounds a lot like mine. My ex-H also didn't like doing much with me as a couple. When we were dating and then engaged, we went out to dinners and movies with a group of friends all the time. After we got married, that slowed way down. We might go to dinner at a couple of friends of ours' house once or twice a month, but rarely went out, just the two of us. I often asked if we could, and there'd be an excuse like he wanted to go to the gym alone or play tennis, or he was too tired. We both worked full time and made good money, so it wasn't like I was asking him to splurge his hard-earned money on me.

He also didn't like doing things with my family. Both our families were out of state. But it seemed like we spent a lot more time at holidays and other times with his family than with mine. His family was not any better than mine - his mother was great, but his father was difficult. My father was great but my stepmother was difficult. His family just mattered more than mine. I ended up going alone to many family events, including weddings and funerals at which I would have liked to have his company or support, because he couldn't be bothered to go.

I can't say I never should have married him - things were good in the early days - but after he abandoned me emotionally time and time again, I never should have stayed married to him. I deserved better. You do, too. We both married men who really shouldn't be married. My ex is helpless in the kitchen and so will probably marry the OW he left me for, because he likes having someone grocery shop and cook for him, and he doesn't like to be alone at night all that much. He's too selfish to realize these aren't reasons to be married.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I'm a computer programmer who spends a lot of time on my own projects, so I can sort of relate to your husband. However, I also spend quite a bit of time with my wife doing things she likes even if the activities aren't really that exciting to me in themselves, because that's part of being married.

I don't think your husband will change. Although I'm not a big fan of divorce, I think in this case it is justified, especially because you don't have children. Otherwise, you will be unhappy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Question...

You mentioned thinking that you'd married the _wrong_ man... is there a specific _right_ man that you wish you'd married instead?

Are you involved w/ anyone else at the moment?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Consider some MC to thrash out the issues between you, it sounds as if your H has settled into the routine and once he got you couldn't be bothered to put in any effort (happens in many marriages, hence the walk away wives 20 years later). H sounds like a cold fish even when you were courting.

Tell him you are seriously want to have a more fulfilling marriage and with MC help, perhaps you can learn ways to do that.

If he shows absolutely no interest, then he has checked out and it is probably inevitable that one of you will get their needs met elsewhere. Have a trial separation and see how it goes.


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## Aleksandra (Aug 15, 2015)

Thank you so, so much for all your answers. You have given me a lot of insights.

One thing that I might add is that when we met (and also at the time we got married), I was quite a different person from who I am today. I went through a long psychotherapy and a significant personal transformation. As a result, I value different things in life now than I did back then. My husband says I've changed so much that he doesn't always recognise me anymore, that I've become a stranger in a way. But for me, I've found my true self now. Of course, I understand that this transition can be hard for him to grasp.

At the moment, I'm feeling so mixed and lost. My intuition is saying that this is probably not what I want, but then when I think about a divorce and not having him in my life any more... it scares me and I can't seem to think clearly.



lilbitoluv said:


> I'm sorry but I really had to fight to continue reading after you said you have always felt he wasn't that interested in you. Huge red flag.


I know, you are absolutely right. Actually, when we got married, my intuition said that I might be making a mistake, and looking back now, it was definitely a red flag. But I wasn't mature enough to listen to that inner voice. I can't change the past now and what's done is done. But I would lie if I would say that I haven't been thinking about how my life would be if I would have listened to my intuition.



Happilymarried25 said:


> You knew he was this way when you were dating him, did you think he would change when you got married? This is a big mistake both women and men make.


Happilymarried, you are right, people are who they are. I was naive at the time and thought that he would change for the better. Thinking about it, I guess I've made every mistake in the book. I wouldn't think that anymore in a million years.



jb7764 said:


> Is he worth trying to work things out to be in your future? Will you be happy in another 5 years if nothing changes? Will you be miserable?
> 
> I find it extremely difficult to answer these questions myself because of my fear to start over. But the truth is, I already know the answers to them but can't take that first step forward.


I'm sorry to hear that you are in this very same situation. Thank you for your kind words. 

I guess I'm not sure if he's worth it or not. I love him of course and he is very kind to me. But there's just something that tells me that it's not gonna work.

What you said about you already knowing the answers... that is incredibly eyeopening. Because I think I feel that way too and that I might be making myself blind to these feelings to protect myself from a possible divorce. It's just so bloody scary.

I wish you all the courage in the world!!



GusPolinski said:


> Question...
> 
> You mentioned thinking that you'd married the _wrong_ man... is there a specific _right_ man that you wish you'd married instead?
> 
> Are you involved w/ anyone else at the moment?


There's no specific "right" man out there. I meant that we are so different that he might not be the right kind of guy for me. It feels that we just don't have enough things in common. Of course, I am willing to accept that we are different, but I wish we'd have more things to share.

I'm not involved with anyone else now but I have noticed that I've had some crushes lately. Nothing serious, but I'm noticing that other men are constantly interesting me more and more. It feels that there is such a big void, the lack of "relationship" in my own marriage, that I'm drawn towards something else. I guess that tells me something, too.



aine said:


> Consider some MC to thrash out the issues between you, it sounds as if your H has settled into the routine and once he got you couldn't be bothered to put in any effort (happens in many marriages, hence the walk away wives 20 years later).


Actually, we have already tried counselling once. It didn't work for us, although I think that the therapist wasn't the best one for us. We just didn't make any progress. That's a few years ago now, and I've been thinking about giving it another shot to see if it would help. It still feels that I would be willing to try, but I just have this weird feeling that it's not going to do any difference. I probably shouldn't judge it yet, though.

*Again, thanks so much, your thoughts give me strength and also a lot of perspective to my situation. I really appreciate your help!*


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Aleks, everyone changes over time. The fact that you got stronger and is more knowledgeable, should tell, to trust your intuition. 

Your husband is not likely to change. He likes and is comfortable being who he is. The two of you are just existing in this marriage. this is no way to live life.

If you want changes in your life and you want to live a fulfilled life. Then, you must,must leave this marriage. Your heart and your brain is telling you to leave. Staying mean slowly dying and becoming less and less of who you are. 

You are young and have much life to live. time to start living.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think you should tell your husband what you're not happy with, tell him you want a separation and stay with a friend for a few weeks. If he doesn't flip the switch and see things from your perspective, make it a real separation. BUT, unlike the others, I think the man deserves a chance to make things right. Sometimes the fear of losing the person we love is enough to make a man "see the light". I don't agree with the "people don't change" thing. I've definitely seen people change. But most of the time, it's for the worse, or better because they HAD to. Make him either feel like he HAS to change, or not. You'll see what he values the most either way.
JMO,
JBJ


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## Aleksandra (Aug 15, 2015)

Thanks brooklynAnn for your thoughts! I agree with you that it's time to start living. That's exactly what I want and what I have been missing. I just have to figure out what direction to take next.

I've been thinking about MC and, as someone pointed earlier, it might be good to try before we decide what to do. Even though we've tried it before, I would be willing to give it a second change.

And Evinrude58, I think you have a very valid and good point and I agree with you. I have to tell my husband how I need him to change and what kind of effort I want him to make. And I need to make it very clear. I have tried doing this, but it just might be that I haven't been clear enough. I definitely want to try, I'm not ready to throw the towel in just yet.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Aleksandra said:


> There's no specific "right" man out there. I meant that we are so different that he might not be the right kind of guy for me. It feels that we just don't have enough things in common. Of course, I am willing to accept that we are different, but I wish we'd have more things to share.
> 
> I'm not involved with anyone else now but I have noticed that I've had some crushes lately. Nothing serious, but I'm noticing that other men are constantly interesting me more and more. It feels that there is such a big void, the lack of "relationship" in my own marriage, that I'm drawn towards something else. I guess that tells me something, too.


Be careful. A grade A player can sense your desperation and well. Play you.


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