# Young and Wondering



## WaterWarrior (Jul 30, 2011)

My first time ever positing in any type of forum.


ok quick story.

Early twenties, together for 7 years since 15 years old, married 3, 2 sons at age 21. 

I've been having an on and off affair for the past year. 

I am tired of hiding, secrets, im lonely and want to make the call. I want to love and be loved. I don't want to feel like a monster anymore...

I just don't want to make the wrong choice for myself and my children. 

I'm scared to loose custody due to my financial dependance and state laws. 

I can not have sex with h because I think of the other man. 

Any advice out there for a young woman?

I can post more details. I just need to get some advice from people who have been there, therapist isn't helping.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Honestly you should of thought about the consequences regarding your children before you cheated. Now your up a creek without a pattle. I would say break it off and get a divorce. Your husband may find out about it and then you'll have a battle on your hands but that's part of the consequences. If you don't break it off and divorce then he most likely will find out and it will be worse.

This is why we tell people not to get married young....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

You have to break it off with the OM. There cannot be 3 in a marriage. Even if you dont want to stay married, you have to end it. If it is the real deal and not the grass is greener, then he will wait until you are divorced to start a life with you. If it is just the sex, then you need to work on yourself. Does your therapist know you are having an affair?


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Consult with a local lawyer. Your financial dependency, or your affair have zero value in custody considerations. 

If you are a good mother, no alcohol or drug issues, then there is no reason for you to be fearing the custody outcome.

Go and check with a lawyer, some have a free initial consultation, so there is no risk for you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Affairs always bring on massive problems, headaches, and destruction, as you have clearly learned.

If you don't want to be married, divorce your husband. It's as simple as that. Do NOT lie to him about why though. Respect him enough to tell him you have been cheating on him and lying to him for a year.


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## WaterWarrior (Jul 30, 2011)

First off, Thank you to everyone who has replied to my posting. I would like to add some details to my story to help clarify why it hasn't been as easy for me to just leave, like i want to. 


1. We are living out of our home state for a year now. I want to keep living here, but he does not. So Im wondering what kind of custody rights I would have in that matter, as we still file taxes in the other state, but have been living here for a year. 

2. When I say im financially dependent I mean that my husband is very well off via a wealthy family. Neither he nor I have worked or finished college. That is the norm in his family. 


3. We have a nanny who comes during the day. Not that we need her, as we both are home, he just likes to have her around so we can lead separate lives. 

4. He does do music and believes that he will become successful in the near future. But i don't like that lifestyle and cant see him or me living like that. He has always been antisocial, never go out, never see a need for social interaction...ect... But I love going out, I love being in the city, talking to people ect...

5. I cannot make love with him or kiss him. I don't like for him to touch me i automatically pull away. I will do it but only so I can buy myself more time to make the decision. 99% of the time I cry afterwards because I feel guilt. 

6. I feel like I am young and am having a hard time being confident in my decision because I find it hard to trust myself because So much has changed in my life. I find it hard to even relate to myself. Ive moved, had children, met someone else, lived another life... We did go back to our home state, but I realized im bored there and if I wasn't forced to be there I wouldn't go back. 

7. Ive asked for help from basically everyone I know, the advice has ranged from happiness for me to dispare. My father (not a nice guy) only cares about how my lifestyle will go down and I will be living in the gutter without him. I told him about the other guy and his only questions were about his finances. Not a mention about how he treats me...

9. We got into a pretty good fight the other night, we were both drunk. I really wanted to hit him, everything in me had to restrain myself. He brought my babies into it, picking them from sleep and bringing them to lay on me while yelling at me. I was crying because I felt like I couldn't protect them from him...



Ok question... Why does everyone think I should tell him about the affair? Isn't it salt in the wound?


Please no replies like "you should have thought this out before ect.." I know that now, I just want help making the right choice. Its my real life, I have exhausted my personal resources, now I am relying on the collective knowledge from my friends here...


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## WaterWarrior (Jul 30, 2011)

another question? Am I wrong for changing? I believe that my age and lack of expirences are playing a huge roll in my confusion. Do you agree?

Do you believe that having an affair for a year is a good indicator that its really over?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Really? You have to ask if having an affair for a year is a sign that you've really checked out of your marriage? Or are you just looking for someone to tell you what you already know?

Ok, this is coming from someone else who had an affair, although mine was much shorter. I cheated on my wife, and it was a really poor decision on my part. The affair didn't last long; maybe 2 months. We parted ways, but remained friends (my partner wanted more than I could give her, being married and all).

In the end, within a month of my affair ending, I decided that our marriage wasn't going to work out. So I ended it, without telling her that I had an affair. It seemed pointless, since I wasn't willing/wanting to try fixing what we had anyway. And since she already had significant self esteem issues, it would have been painful to her with no benefits to either of us, with the possible exception of clearing my guilt. As it is, our separation has been fairly amicable and the kids are adjusting fairly well because of that, which likely wouldn't have been the case if I would have exposed the affair, I think.

So my advice... End the affair, and have no contact with the other person. Take some time to maybe take some individual counseling before making a decision on the marriage. If you decide to end the marriage, don't expose the affair. But if you decide to continue the marriage, your husband should know the truth so he can make an informed decision about whether HE wants to work on things.

If you do decide that ending the marriage is the best option, start by talking to a lawyer. Find out what your rights are, and what the likely outcomes are. Financially, there's at least three things to discuss...

First, there will be a division of current assets. If you and your husband own a home and other property, you're entitled to some of that. 

Second, your husband will likely have an obligation to support your children in a similar lifestyle to what they have now. Around here (Canada), child support is a simple table driven process based on income. Typically, it's fairly easily calculated because it's driven by filed income tax documents. In your case, it might be (much?) more complicated because of trust funds and other stuff. A good lawyer and/or accountant might be a big asset here.

Third, spousal support is a totally different issue, and depends on income of both spouses, how long you've been married, and the judge/lawyers. Possibly in your case, your spousal support could be front-end loaded to enable you to get a degree and become self supporting. You'll want to find a good lawyer though, and do some work finding one that will go after your husband for his fees, rather than paying for it yourself.

Oh, and finally... If you file for divorce in your current state, and your kids are living in that state, around here that would mean it would be likely that you could keep the kids there, and while your husband could move away, he couldn't move the kids there without your approval. Does that make sense? Basically, the courts here don't like to uproot kids and families without darn good reason. I would guess that where you file for taxes won't matter (so long as the IRS doesn't get wind of it and get all grumpy, but that's a separate issue) from a custody perspective, so long as you can show that you actually lived here.

Hope this gives you something useful to think about... Keep in mind that I'm not a lawyer, and not familiar at all with American divorce law... Any advice I give is based on (hopefully) common sense and my self-taught education in Canadian family law.

C


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## dbg19891 (Aug 3, 2011)

Please save your loved ones some hurt, just see an attorney and get on with the legalities. You should have been here a long time ago.


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## WaterWarrior (Jul 30, 2011)

I consulted a lawyer from my home state. I was told that upon divorce, I will not be entitled to anything we have together because it was bought with his families money. It was suggested to me that I file in the state we currently reside. Unfortunately I can not do that either because residency length. I believe my only chance is to get him to stay here with me until I can get residency? So I can stay and keep the kids here. 

I can't believe that 8 years of my life literally counts for nothing. If I want to survive do I have to stay?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Get a lawyer in your current state. The lawyer will tell you what your options are.

Don't mention your affair to your H.


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