# Just Caught My Wife Cheating



## jda79

So I just checked my wife's FB messages and found out that my wife has been cheating on me with a neighbor. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids and I love her dearly. They have been texting for about 5 months and I think having sex for a couple of months. I read all of the messages and they were heartbreaking...talking about sex and stuff. She mentions in her texts she doesn't have love for me talked about divorcing me for him. When I confronted her about it, she was in shock I found out. I didn't lash out but told her how heartbroken I am. I asked her about when she was going to ask me for a divorce and she said she didn't know, she said it "comes and goes". I asked her if she would now pursue a divorce and she said she didn't know, "I'm in shock". I said if she wants to try and make it work, she has to break it off with him immediately. She said OK. AFter the confrontation, I check her FB message again and she told the other guy that I knew everything and asked I don't ruin his family. It seems my wife is his 3rd affair. I mentioned that I don't know what to do but have lots of thinking to do. 

We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now..


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## GusPolinski

Sorry man. 

If the neighbor is married, expose the affair to his wife.

Oh, and back up all of your evidence.


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## aine

So sorry JDA that you are here but at least you know now and can take action:

1. Insist she give you access to all phones, pc, etc, sounds like you have a key logger in place. VAR her car too, to ensure she is still on no contact. If necessary insist on a lie detector test.
2. have her write out a time line of her affair - tell her you have not decided what to do and will be consulting a lawyer (she needs to be shaking in her boots) but she better not lie as you will find out and all bets are off
3. Contact OM wife and blow up his world, give all the details you have found out, let him be busy saving his own marriage, hopefully he will move away.
4. Contact the lawyer and see what the options are - even if you reconcile, it is good to know
5. Get yourself some IC, to handle the next couple of months
6. Your wife has to be doing everything to bend over backwards for you to reconcile, tell her this, if not you will proceed with divorce
7. Consider MC when the dust has settled

You will soon find out if she is truly remorseful or just sorry she got caught. A cheater who is more worried about their own discomfort that your pain is not one you should reconcile with, it will set you up for a life of misery.

Do not make any decisions right now as things are raw and emotional

Keep coming here to get advice and support as there are many men who have been in your shoes


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## smi11ie

It's good you posted here. Your situation emabarrassing due to the neighbour thing. If it makes it any easier the affair was probably just a fantasy. It was exciting because it was forbidden. It looks like she doesn't view this guy as relationship material, however, she has clearly considered it. She needs to convince you that she wants to stay married. It's going to be a slow process. I think you should tell her you will agree to marraige counceling if she demonstrates honesty and she understands she is going to have to work for it.

I also agree with you that it would be good to get some space mentally. Can she go and stay with parents for a few days? You should read some stories here and find someone you can identify with. You need to figure out what is going to make this situation palatable for you. You might feel you need to move away.


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## jda79

Yeah, I feel terrible...3am and probably won't sleep at all.

I know the other guy's family and kids. Think I should give him the chance to tell his family first or just go ahead and do it myself? I'm thinking of his wife and kids, not him.


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## jda79

Thanks for the advice.


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## jda79

What is a VAR?


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## GusPolinski

jda79 said:


> Yeah, I feel terrible...3am and probably won't sleep at all.
> 
> I know the other guy's family and kids. Think I should give him the chance to tell his family first or just go ahead and do it myself? I'm thinking of his wife and kids, not him.


Giving OM time to do anything just means giving him time to spin it so that you're a liar and crazy.

Want this affair over and done with?

Blow it up. (Hopefully you've already backed up your evidence. If it, do it now. Don't put it on a USB key and leave it lying around -- push it up into the Cloud.)

Do it tactfully, though.

There is a way to expose the affair out of concern for your marriage and family... think of it as an appeal to have your friends, family, etc, sort of "lobby" your wife on behalf of -- and out of concern _for_ -- your marriage and family.

And that's if you even WANT to reconcile.

Hell... you just found out.

Once all the details start pouring in and the mind movies start, you might be ready to divorce.


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## GusPolinski

jda79 said:


> What is a VAR?


Voice-activated recorder


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## sokillme

jda79 said:


> So I just checked my wife's FB messages and found out that my wife has been cheating on me with a neighbor. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids and I love her dearly. They have been texting for about 5 months and I think having sex for a couple of months. I read all of the messages and they were heartbreaking...talking about sex and stuff. She mentions in her texts she doesn't have love for me talked about divorcing me for him. When I confronted her about it, she was in shock I found out. I didn't lash out but told her how heartbroken I am. I asked her about when she was going to ask me for a divorce and she said she didn't know, she said it "comes and goes". I asked her if she would now pursue a divorce and she said she didn't know, "I'm in shock". I said if she wants to try and make it work, she has to break it off with him immediately. She said OK. AFter the confrontation, I check her FB message again and she told the other guy that I knew everything and asked I don't ruin his family. It seems my wife is his 3rd affair. I mentioned that I don't know what to do but have lots of thinking to do.
> 
> We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now..


You said yourself you are in shock, don't be so quick to give her a chance to stay. Sounds like she doesn't love you, do you really want to be in a relationship with a women who doesn't love you? Or who will treat you and her children's father like that? Don't resign yourself to a deal you may hate one day. In other words don't make a decision on 3 hours sleep after suffering the worst betrayal of your life. First heal and get strong and see where you are. It will be better for you in the long run, better for your recovery. Something is broken in your wife that enabled her to treat you this way. She could have just divorced you. You need to get strong real quick. Also F this guy tell his wife she deserves to know. Speak to a lawyer to learn your options. 

The ones who get strong fast do better


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## jda79

Thanks. 

I have everything. Even took pictures of the messages on her phone.

I will let the other wife know tomorrow and show her everything.

You mentioned friends and family, should I let my family know now or wait?


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## Malaise

Get checked for STDs and make sure your wife knows.

And tell her you're doing DNA tests on the kids and watch her reaction.


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## GusPolinski

jda79 said:


> Thanks.
> 
> I have everything. Even took pictures of the messages on her phone.
> 
> I will let the other wife know tomorrow and show her everything.
> 
> You mentioned friends and family, should I let my family know now or wait?


I would hold off on exposing to more than OM's wife _for now_.

Get some rest, get your bearings, find out what your end game is, and then proceed.

And make sure that your wife can't delete your evidence. If you don't have a passcode on your phone, enable one. If you do, change it. And if your wife is able to access your phone via fingerprint reader, delete any of her fingerprints that are stored on the phone.

Change the passwords for your email and social media accounts.


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## TaDor

jda79 : listen to those guys who have posted. This sucks. We've all been there. It hurts big time.

Right now, you most likely want to save your marriage. You need to do research here on things to do. Keep your eyes and ears open and mouth shut.

- Whatever actions you decide to do, DO IT! Don't warn or threaten wife with what you MAY do...
- When possible, as you find out more and want opinions - look here or ASK here first.
- Get a SONY var. They sell it at BestBuy and other electronics stores - even bestbuy. Don't buy it with a creditcard that your wife may notice on a creditcard purchase or amazon account. Maybe have a friend buy it foryou. You need 1 or 2 of theses. DO NOT let her know you have them.
1 goes in her car. The other, hide or keep in your pocket when you both are going to have a sit-down talk about your relationship. You want to keep this as proof and so you can review later. Your mind can be foggy and you may not catch or understand what she is saying. 
- get the SONY VAR that is about $50 which has a USB port. Turn off the beep (button press).

- DO NOT think you KNOW YOUR WIFE. She's had sex with your neighbor behind your back. She is considering leaving you and hurting hee children over a serial cheater, she's been played. She can actually turn on you... and having a VAR can be handy if that happens. When my wife assaulted me and ended up arrested... I forgot I even had the VAR going at the time. The only blood the police saw was mine. Sure I could win in a fight with her, but I'm not going to beat down a woman half my size. The recording has me saying "stop, go away" and "stop hitting me" while she is cursing, screaming and making a ruckus. 

- You *WILL* need to expose the affair now. best way to get that guy to stay away from you and your wife. His wife should know what he's doing... wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you? Don't warn your wife... just do it.

- take photos of any and ALL evidence... Use your phone to take pics of messages of her phone... even showing the phone itself.
- document everything.

Buy this book, read it... it will take about 90minutes. Then give it to your wife to read - *IF* you both are thinking about staying together (reconciliation) 
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Sp...d=1491638828&sr=8-3&keywords=not+just+friends

Get this book as well... its 400 pages... it may help you, may help her. Who knows. Right now, your wife is not thinking. 
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Fri...rd_wg=S8zaK&psc=1&refRID=4PFSD2X6TXBKZ9TGQ6MP

If you want to divorce, then start on it now. Get a lawyer and have her served... while her head is in the fog.

The "help your spouse" book is for cheaters. It's written in a way that they may understand. Your wife is on the fence... so its worth a shot to have her read it. If she refuses and the other things that aine has told you to do. Then move for divorce, even if you DO NOT want to.

Start on 180. It's hard, but do not play nice with your "wife".


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## jda79

Great advice, thank you.


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## MattMatt

Is this her first affair?

You need the kids to be DNA tested.


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## smi11ie

I think you should contact the other spouse immediately. I would want to know and so would you. I agree with the others that you are going to come up with a plan that you can tweak along the way. You need to find out what you can deal with. After you expose to his wife you are going to feel more angry and the trickle truth will start. You can assess things after that.


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## arbitrator

jda79 said:


> So I just checked my wife's FB messages and found out that my wife has been cheating on me with a neighbor. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids and I love her dearly. They have been texting for about 5 months and I think having sex for a couple of months. I read all of the messages and they were heartbreaking...talking about sex and stuff. She mentions in her texts she doesn't have love for me talked about divorcing me for him. When I confronted her about it, she was in shock I found out. I didn't lash out but told her how heartbroken I am. I asked her about when she was going to ask me for a divorce and she said she didn't know, she said it "comes and goes". I asked her if she would now pursue a divorce and she said she didn't know, "I'm in shock". I said if she wants to try and make it work, she has to break it off with him immediately. She said OK. AFter the confrontation, I check her FB message again and she told the other guy that I knew everything and asked I don't ruin his family. It seems my wife is his 3rd affair. I mentioned that I don't know what to do but have lots of thinking to do.
> 
> We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now..


*Time to truly "place her in shock!" 

Get with a good piranha family law attorney and have them advise you of all of your custodial and property rights! Have divorce papers drawn up and plop them down in front of her! Also have yourself tested by your MD for the presence of any possible STD's! 

Then take the kids off to the beach by yourself!*


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## aine

jda79 said:


> Thanks.
> 
> I have everything. Even took pictures of the messages on her phone.
> 
> I will let the other wife know tomorrow and show her everything.
> 
> You mentioned friends and family, should I let my family know now or wait?


Yes, tell everyone who will listen, her family, your family and all friends. Affairs only survive when they are in the dark, expose expose expose, then the thrill of the clandestine meet ups will disappear and the shame will keep her accountable.
Remember this is not your shame, it is entirely hers, hers to grapple with, hers to explain, hers to handle, not yours.


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## syhoybenden

jda79 said:


> We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now..



You and the kids go. She doesn't deserve a holiday.

Let her stew alone at home while you guys are splashing about. Just remember to leave a VAR or a couple of GoPros on at home just in case neighbor-boy comes over for a quick one.


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## EllaSuaveterre

syhoybenden said:


> You and the kids go. She doesn't deserve a holiday.
> 
> Let her stew alone at home while you guys are splashing about. Just remember to leave a VAR or a couple of GoPros on at home just in case neighbor-boy comes over for a quick one.


I'm sorry, but I don't think that's good advice, or even objectively true. It isn't for anyone to say who does and doesn't deserve anything, no matter who they are or what they've done. If he wants to leave her at home, he certainly can. It is his right entirely to decide whom he wants in his life. But that doesn't mean she's undeserving of a holiday-- or anything else, for that matter. 

Believe it or not, affairs are hard on everyone, the wayward party included, and if she wants to be around her husband, and he's okay with being around her, she should join him. If OP doesn't want to bring her that is again his choice, but that doesn't mean she's undeserving of relaxation. Perhaps they can come up with some kind of compromise-- he goes to the beach, and she takes a staycation and has a spa treatment. Or maybe, they go together, but stay in separate hotel rooms.


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## jld

aine said:


> Yes, tell everyone who will listen, her family, your family and all friends. Affairs only survive when they are in the dark, expose expose expose, then the thrill of the clandestine meet ups will disappear and the shame will keep her accountable.
> Remember this is not your shame, it is entirely hers, hers to grapple with, hers to explain, hers to handle, not yours.


Targeted exposure may be a wiser choice.

I believe one of the moderators here, @MEM2020, has written about this.


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## manwithnoname

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I'm sorry, but I don't think that's good advice, or even objectively true. It isn't for anyone to say who does and doesn't deserve anything, no matter who they are or what they've done. If he wants to leave her at home, he certainly can. It is his right entirely to decide whom he wants in his life. But that doesn't mean she's undeserving of a holiday-- or anything else, for that matter.
> 
> *Believe it or not, affairs are hard on everyone, the wayward party included*, and if she wants to be around her husband, and he's okay with being around her, she should join him. If OP doesn't want to bring her that is again his choice, but that doesn't mean she's undeserving of relaxation. Perhaps they can come up with some kind of compromise-- he goes to the beach, and she takes a staycation and has a spa treatment. Or maybe, they go together, but stay in separate hotel rooms.


And how is the OP responsible for this? Whether or not she needs relaxation is irrelevant, she stomped on his heart she doesn't deserve anything, especially from OP. So you're suggesting the OP treat her to a spa treatment? Ridiculous.

And besides, spending extra time on her back she should be rested.


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## jld

jda79 said:


> So I just checked my wife's FB messages and found out that my wife has been cheating on me with a neighbor. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids and I love her dearly. They have been texting for about 5 months and I think having sex for a couple of months. I read all of the messages and they were heartbreaking...talking about sex and stuff. She mentions in her texts she doesn't have love for me talked about divorcing me for him. When I confronted her about it, she was in shock I found out. I didn't lash out but told her how heartbroken I am. I asked her about when she was going to ask me for a divorce and she said she didn't know, she said it "comes and goes". I asked her if she would now pursue a divorce and she said she didn't know, "I'm in shock". I said if she wants to try and make it work, she has to break it off with him immediately. She said OK. AFter the confrontation, I check her FB message again and she told the other guy that I knew everything and asked I don't ruin his family.* It seems my wife is his 3rd affair.* I mentioned that I don't know what to do but have lots of thinking to do.
> 
> We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now..


The bolded is likely key info a marriage counselor would use to bring your wife back to reality about this man. 

Have you considered seeking guidance from a professional marriage counselor? Depending on where you live, it may be possible to have an "emergency" appointment today.


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## Satya

Swift, decisive action is needed. 
This may not be her first affair, regardless of how many the OM had. 

Is DNA your hardon to make dire you have additional facts supporting your decision.


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## EllaSuaveterre

manwithnoname said:


> And how is the OP responsible for this? Whether or not she needs relaxation is irrelevant, she stomped on his heart she doesn't deserve anything, especially from OP. So you're suggesting the OP treat her to a spa treatment? Ridiculous.
> 
> And besides, spending extra time on her back she should be rested.


Come now. You must at least be aware that your last sentence, at least, was soaked with scorn. People who commit affairs often do have a lot of conflicting and difficult-to-bear emotions, particularly after D-day. No, she is likely not rested at all. She's probably terrified at the upheaval of her life, and riddled with guilt because she knows she caused this upheaval. 

You say, "She stomped on his heart; she doesn't deserve anything." It might be true that the original poster decides that she doesn't deserve anything from him. That is his choice and his alone to make. But people, _all_ people, _even people who stomp on other people's hearts_, deserve happiness in some form or fashion. Even if the OP doesn't want to make her happy anymore, which is his right, it is also her right to make herself happy- not by having more affairs and hurting others, mind you, but by being kind to herself and to others, and treating herself gently. That involves such self-caring activities as spa trips.

I have serious trouble treating myself with any compassion or gentleness, and I cannot begin to recount the myriad problems this lack of self-love has directly caused in my life and the lives of those around me. I have also been on the receiving end of abuse from others. Some of them were merely misguided; most were outright cruel. I won't lie when I tell you that I often desire to see the worst of my abusers suffer, but I would never, _ever_ act upon this desire and tell them that they don't deserve basic humanity, even with what they did to me. Perhaps if some of my abusers loved themselves, they'd not have abused me. 

Self-love is vital. Rest is vital. Care is vital to the human psyche and _no one_, no matter how cruel, abusive, monstrous, or downright evil they are, should have these basic human rights denied to them, not only for themselves, but for the health of their victims.

Forgive me if this was a bit of a threadjack, but I've noticed on CWI, the humanity of offenders cannot be over-emphasized.


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## Marc878

Exposure will normally end the affair. Do not make the mistake of helping them hide their affair !!! It will just enable them to continue.

Do not tell your wife she will just warn him. Exposure should be done without warning.

You aren't harming other mans family he's already done that. The truth will fix a lot of things. 

Sorry man. Do not offer your wife reconciliation at this time. It's a gift that you should not give out to easily. Or it will have little value. Never be someone's doormat!!! You need to take some time and think about what you want. Do not leave your home or your bedroom. You didn't do this.

Get strong quick. Weakness is very unattractive. The ones who can do that come out of these things best. Do not cry, beg or plead for her. It just pushes them farther away. Trying to nice her back will always have the opposite effect in these situations. Decide your own fate. Do not put your life, family and future in her hands!!!! You will have trouble seeing your wife for who she is. Try and stay out of denial so you can deal with this effectively. 

As you've found cheaters lie, hide and deny. You can't trust her at this time.


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## Marc878

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Come now. You must at least be aware that your last sentence, at least, was soaked with scorn. People who commit affairs often do have a lot of conflicting and difficult-to-bear emotions, particularly after D-day. No, she is likely not rested at all. She's probably terrified at the upheaval of her life, and riddled with guilt because she knows she caused this upheaval.
> 
> You say, "She stomped on his heart; she doesn't deserve anything." It might be true that the original poster decides that she doesn't deserve anything from him. That is his choice and his alone to make. But people, _all_ people, _even people who stomp on other people's hearts_, deserve happiness in some form or fashion. Even if the OP doesn't want to make her happy anymore, which is his right, it is also her right to make herself happy- not by having more affairs and hurting others, mind you, but by being kind to herself and to others, and treating herself gently. That involves such self-caring activities as spa trips.
> 
> I have serious trouble treating myself with any compassion or gentleness, and I cannot begin to recount the myriad problems this lack of self-love has directly caused in my life and the lives of those around me. I have also been on the receiving end of abuse from others. Some of them were merely misguided; most were outright cruel. I won't lie when I tell you that I often desire to see the worst of my abusers suffer, but I would never, _ever_ act upon this desire and tell them that they don't deserve basic humanity, even with what they did to me. Perhaps if some of my abusers loved themselves, they'd not have abused me.
> 
> Self-love is vital. Rest is vital. Care is vital to the human psyche and _no one_, no matter how cruel, abusive, monstrous, or downright evil they are, should have these basic human rights denied to them, not only for themselves, but for the health of their victims.
> 
> Forgive me if this was a bit of a threadjack, but I've noticed on CWI, the humanity of offenders cannot be over-emphasized.


Right now this is about the OP. I can guarantee hes devastated. 

His wife is only in shock of being caught. *She isn't on the reveiving end of this*.


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## Marc878

Beware of blame shifting. In most cases the cheater will try and justify their actions/affair. You're a bad husband/father, etc. an affair is not a mistake it's a conscious decision on her part because she wanted to. This took time, planning and effort on her part. 

Don't fall for the lies and deceit. You didn't make her have an affair it is 100 % on her. 

No one is perfect. She isn't either. Did you go out and have an affair on her because of it?


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## jda79

So quick update. 

I sent the OM a message last night saying to stay away from my kids. No threats were made. I logged into my wife's facebook from my PC and watched the conversation as he found out this morning. It was all I could do not to jump into their conversation. He feels guilty, he is a POS, blah blah blah. She says she is as much to blame. He asked my wife if she thinks I will tell his wife, she says she doesn't think so (they are in for a fun surprise today). She says she loved me but hasn't been "in love" with me. She told him she was completely honest with me. The OM says if I want to work it out, she should try. She says "How can I ever look him in the eyes again?". 

I missed the rest of the conversation although it was mostly over as I went to talk to her again. I told her that if there is any remote chance for us to try to move forward, she had to cut all communications with him and I need her passwords (which I have). Her response was "ok". She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married." 

We talked a few more minutes but those are the highlights.


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## manwithnoname

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Come now. You must at least be aware that your last sentence, at least, was soaked with scorn. People who commit affairs often do have a lot of conflicting and difficult-to-bear emotions, particularly after D-day. No, she is likely not rested at all. She's probably terrified at the upheaval of her life, and riddled with guilt because she knows she caused this upheaval.
> 
> You say, "She stomped on his heart; she doesn't deserve anything." It might be true that the original poster decides that she doesn't deserve anything from him. That is his choice and his alone to make. But people, _all_ people, _even people who stomp on other people's hearts_, deserve happiness in some form or fashion. Even if the OP doesn't want to make her happy anymore, which is his right, it is also her right to make herself happy- not by having more affairs and hurting others, mind you, but by being kind to herself and to others, and treating herself gently. That involves such self-caring activities as spa trips.
> 
> I have serious trouble treating myself with any compassion or gentleness, and I cannot begin to recount the myriad problems this lack of self-love has directly caused in my life and the lives of those around me. I have also been on the receiving end of abuse from others. Some of them were merely misguided; most were outright cruel. I won't lie when I tell you that I often desire to see the worst of my abusers suffer, but I would never, _ever_ act upon this desire and tell them that they don't deserve basic humanity, even with what they did to me. Perhaps if some of my abusers loved themselves, they'd not have abused me.
> 
> Self-love is vital. Rest is vital. Care is vital to the human psyche and _no one_, no matter how cruel, abusive, monstrous, or downright evil they are, should have these basic human rights denied to them, not only for themselves, but for the health of their victims.
> 
> Forgive me if this was a bit of a threadjack, but I've noticed on CWI, the humanity of offenders cannot be over-emphasized.



Why defend a cheater so strongly? I was defending the OP, and I get attacked? :scratchhead:


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## manwithnoname

jda79 said:


> So quick update.
> 
> I sent the OM a message last night saying to stay away from my kids. No threats were made. I logged into my wife's facebook from my PC and watched the conversation as he found out this morning. It was all I could do not to jump into their conversation. He feels guilty, he is a POS, blah blah blah. She says she is as much to blame. He asked my wife if she thinks I will tell his wife, she says she doesn't think so (they are in for a fun surprise today). She says she loved me but hasn't been "in love" with me. She told him she was completely honest with me. The OM says if I want to work it out, she should try. She says "How can I ever look him in the eyes again?".
> 
> I missed the rest of the conversation although it was mostly over as I went to talk to her again. I told her that if there is any remote chance for us to try to move forward, she had to cut all communications with him and I need her passwords (which I have). Her response was "ok". She said, "*Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married*."
> 
> We talked a few more minutes but those are the highlights.


You had some good advice by aine. Her statement seems to want you to plead and beg. May take it underground as well.


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## Marc878

jda79 said:


> So quick update.
> 
> I sent the OM a message last night saying to stay away from my kids. No threats were made. I logged into my wife's facebook from my PC and watched the conversation as he found out this morning. It was all I could do not to jump into their conversation. He feels guilty, he is a POS, blah blah blah. She says she is as much to blame.
> 
> Yep, totally agree with them
> 
> He asked my wife if she thinks I will tell his wife, she says she doesn't think so (they are in for a fun surprise today). She says she loved me but hasn't been "in love" with me. She told him she was completely honest with me. The OM says if I want to work it out, she should try. She says "How can I ever look him in the eyes again?".
> 
> This is none of their business. Take your time and think this through. You go your own way.
> 
> I missed the rest of the conversation although it was mostly over as I went to talk to her again. I told her that if there is any remote chance for us to try to move forward, she had to cut all communications with him and I need her passwords (which I have). Her response was "ok". She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."
> 
> We talked a few more minutes but those are the highlights.


Your wife at this time doesn't seem like a good candidate for reconciliation. You find out yesterday and she is still in contact with her lover this am? Only time will tell.

Other man is just looking out for himself although your wife hasn't noticed that yet. Surprise exposure will probably end this as other man will probably throw her under the bus. Remember no warning!!!!!!!! Very important.

I would tell my kids at this time to stay away from other man. Just say he's a bad person do not go around him. IMO kids who are old enough should be told in a sanitized way. You don't want this to affect them (kids tend to blame themselves). Do not let that happen. This is their family/world too. Dont lie to them. Kids are smarter than you think and may have been seeing things that you don't know about.


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## Tatsuhiko

Ignore all advice in here from people trying to get you to accept partial blame. Your wife had a hundred ways to address problems in her marriage including marriage counseling and divorce. Sex with another man behind your back was not a valid one. 

Your wife indeed does not need a vacation since she seems to have received plenty of fulfillment over the past few months. Take the kids by yourself. If she balks, tell her she can take a vacation with a man she's in love with, and children she hasn't deceived. 

The "I'm not sure I want to be married" comment is a manipulation tactic designed to make you fight to win her back. She actually has not faced the reality of what it would feel like to divorce you and the agony that would ensue if this comes to pass. Ironically, if you do fight to win her back, she will take you for a fool and lose both respect and attraction for you. If you choose to be nice and accommodating to "nice" her back, she will also lose interest in saving the marriage. Anything other than swift, adversarial action will push her towards the other man. 

Have divorce papers drawn up so that she can start facing her new reality. If you decide to reconcile and if she's capable of putting the necessary work in to reconciliation, you can cancel the divorce at any time. 

Order the DNA test kits and allow her to witness you taking swabs of their cheeks. Even if you are 100% sure the children are yours, it's important for your wife to understand the full ramifications of broken trust.


----------



## Marc878

Your strength and actions are what will count at this time. Talking? Not so much.

Move her out of your bedroom, remove your ring if you wear one. I would consult an attorney and see what my rights are.

Your wife has zero remorse which means you have no chance at reconciliation at this time.

You jump into R or MC at this early stage you lose. Never be someone's doormat.

I would take the kids on vacation without her. She needs time to understand what her future looks like without you. 

Weakness and fear will be your worst enemies at this time. You maybe setting the tone for the rest of your life and marriage. Do not let your wife play you!!!!

Read up this may help. It's a short good read
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


----------



## Marc878

manwithnoname said:


> Why defend a cheater so strongly? I was defending the OP, and I get attacked? :scratchhead:


She's an XWayward.


----------



## Bibi1031

Through her actions and words after D-day, ithis was an exit affair. Sorry man, but you need to file ASAP. If she has a change of heart later, you can date and work on the relationship, but it's not likely.

She will more than likely be a repeat offender and have another AP because from the get go she knew this one had no future.

Her love for you is gone, probably for quite some time. 

Her actions were very clear. She didn't even cover up things at all. Deep down she wanted you to find out that is why she didn't bother to hide it much. 

I'm pretty sure her shock is because it took you too long to figure it out and your reaction was also perplexing to her because instead of saying it was over, you appear to be able to forgive the affair. She thought this would be a deal breaker for you.

She is being honest with you. She doesn't love you anymore. She doesn't want to be married to you anymore either. She, of course went about leaving you in the worst way. She unconsciously wanted to burn all the bridges.

Please file and grant her this unconscious wish.


----------



## jld

Here is an old post from a married man who often seduced married women. I think showing it to your wife could enlighten her.

_My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them._


----------



## podiumboy

Tell the OM's wife, expose the affair to her family/friends before she can make up some story about you, and then YOU end the marriage. Do this quickly! I know this is still a shock, but your marriage IS over. She shows no remorse, and she's not even sure she wants to be married to you? The ONLY acceptable thing for you to do in this situation is gain the upper hand and tell her to get lost, YOU don't want to be married to her. I know you probably still love your wife, your life and your family... but none of that was real. 

Sorry you're dealing with this, but you need to first blow this affair up, and then leave her ass. Soon she'll be left with nothing, and then she'll be struck with the reality of what she has done.


----------



## Malaise

Since she doesn't want to be married to you expose to everyone.


----------



## podiumboy

jld said:


> Here is an old post from a married man who often seduced married women. I think showing it to your wife could enlighten her.
> 
> _My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.
> 
> For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.
> 
> I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
> 1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
> 2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
> 3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.
> 
> The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.
> 
> If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.
> 
> Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.
> 
> I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.
> 
> I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them._


Damn, COLD BLOODED! Wow, this just makes me feel like such a beta male. I love sex, but I could never treat somebody this way! 

I think if I found out my WW did something with the OM that she wouldn't do with me (anal, for example), that'd probably be it for me. Probably nothing she could do to make up for that, in my mind. She wouldn't even be worth the time I had to waste going through the divorce process with her. 

OP, your concern is not the OM in this situation. Just expose it to his wife, and he will be dealt with properly. Your concern is your STBX wife, and doing what you can to get out of that marriage as soon as possible.


----------



## RWB

jda79 said:


> So quick update.
> 
> *I logged into my wife's facebook from my PC and watched the conversation as he found out this morning.* It was all I could do not to jump into their conversation. He feels guilty, he is a POS, blah blah blah. She says she is as much to blame. He asked my wife if she thinks I will tell his wife, she says she doesn't think so (they are in for a fun surprise today). *She says she loved me but hasn't been "in love" with me. * She told him she was completely honest with me. The OM says if I want to work it out, she should try. She says "How can I ever look him in the eyes again?".
> 
> I missed the rest of the conversation although it was mostly over as I went to talk to her again. I told her that if there is any remote chance for us to try to move forward, she had to cut all communications with him and I need her passwords (which I have). Her response was "ok". She said, *"Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."
> *


JDA,

First, regardless of how you much your wife is infatuated with OM, he has or wants no long term commitment to your wife. She was just was a hot new piece of a$$ for him. The POSOM hustle will play any part, say any thing, to string along a married wife for sex. I know you have thought, "How could my wife fall for such a cheap hustle." Because you like most here at CWI married a woman who never left Fantasy Island. Da Plane! Da Plane. Bust his world up now, regardless of your intentions to R or D.


----------



## manwithnoname

jld said:


> Here is an old post from a married man who often seduced married women. I think showing it to your wife could enlighten her.
> 
> _My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.
> 
> For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.
> 
> I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
> 1- *Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys* (STDs).
> 2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
> 3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.
> 
> The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.
> 
> If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.
> 
> Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.
> 
> I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.
> 
> I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them._


I've read this before. The guy was successful with women who had poor boundaries and likely cheated before. The bold part is not true in that case.


----------



## GusPolinski

jda79 said:


> So quick update.
> 
> I sent the OM a message last night saying to stay away from my kids. No threats were made. I logged into my wife's facebook from my PC and watched the conversation as he found out this morning. It was all I could do not to jump into their conversation. He feels guilty, he is a POS, blah blah blah. She says she is as much to blame. He asked my wife if she thinks I will tell his wife, she says she doesn't think so (they are in for a fun surprise today). She says she loved me but hasn't been "in love" with me. She told him she was completely honest with me. The OM says if I want to work it out, she should try. She says "How can I ever look him in the eyes again?".
> 
> I missed the rest of the conversation although it was mostly over as I went to talk to her again. I told her that if there is any remote chance for us to try to move forward, she had to cut all communications with him and I need her passwords (which I have). Her response was "ok". She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."
> 
> We talked a few more minutes but those are the highlights.


To be crude, most women can't be "in love" with anyone other than the guy that's regularly injecting her with baby batter.

Either way, the grass is greener _where you water it._

By the way, her tone will likely change DRAMATICALLY once you expose the affair to OM's wife.

If, after you've done that, she changes her FB password, refuses further transparency or to cut contact w/ OM, that's when you take exposure out even further -- start with her family. No blasts on social media -- just her family. Do it from the angle that you're trying to save your marriage and family, and you need their help in getting through to her.

Simultaneously, you should probably start talking to divorce attorneys on the side (and unbeknownst to your wife).


----------



## manwithnoname

Marc878 said:


> She's an XWayward.


That explains it. Would make more sense for her comments if the OP's wife had posted about feeling guilty, then she could be told it wasn't her fault, she deserves to be happy, blah blah blah


----------



## Edmund

Do tell OM wife (quietly) what you know and give her an example, but not all of the text messages you saved to prove what you saying is true. Go on the beach vacation. Put discussion of the situation on hold for a week, act normal for the kids, be cordial but not warm and loving if you can't act normal. The happier the vacation is, the more she will see what she is giving up. Upon your return, file for divorce. Because she is uncertain now, that means your existing marriage is over. Don't tell family or friends until after you file. You should file before she asks for divorce or files herself. Note that getting divorced does not mean you can't get back together some day if you want.


----------



## Malaise

jld said:


> Here is an old post from a married man who often seduced married women. I think showing it to your wife could enlighten her.
> 
> _My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.
> 
> For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.
> 
> I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
> 1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
> 2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
> 3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.
> 
> The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.
> 
> If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.
> 
> Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.
> 
> I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.
> 
> I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them._


So, it's OM's fault and she is blameless.


----------



## harrybrown

do not play the pick me dance.

you do not want to play that game where she gets to think about choosing you or the OM.

your world has blown up.

You are at war. She is your enemy. Have your enemy go live with her parents.

she can leave the neighborhood. she wants him, she can leave the family behind.

Have her tell the kids and have her leave today.

Go see your attorney and give her what she wants, she does not want to be married to you.

She can go live on the curb. get your enemy out of the house now. you do not leave, she leaves.


----------



## VladDracul

jda79 said:


> When I confronted her about it, she was in shock I found out.
> she said it "comes and goes".


Lets see, they're actively sexting on FB and shocked you found out! If that's true, neither are the sharpest tools in the shed. The, "I love you but" is womanese for "I wished we lived 500 miles from each other". The really bad thing is it "comes and goes", they must be doing it at your house.


----------



## RWB

jda79 said:


> So quick update.
> 
> I logged into my wife's facebook from my PC and watched the conversation as he found out this morning...
> 
> She says, *she loved me but hasn't been "in love" with me. * She told him she was completely honest with me.
> 
> She says, *How can I ever look him in the eyes again?. *
> 
> 
> She said, *"Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married." *


Hmmm. Lets add it up.

...No Guilt,
...No remorse,
...Not In Love with You anymore,
...No longer "Sees" you as Husband, 
+ And, not sure if wants to be married to you anymore
--------------------------------------------------------------
Ok Johnny, what's JDA won for 13 years of busting his a$$?

That would have to be a Sh!t Sandwich every day for the rest of his life staying married to this Class A, Triple Cluster F--k of a wife.

JDA, I stayed, been almost 8 years now, and she was remorseful, contrite, 100% clean and honest post DD. Yeah, R financially it made sense... no brainer. But it eats at you little by little. What are going to do, stay in MC for the rest of your life, right?


----------



## Marc878

OP make no mistake as long as they are in contact the affair will continue.


----------



## Marc878

jld said:


> Here is an old post from a married man who often seduced married women. I think showing it to your wife could enlighten her.
> 
> _My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.
> 
> For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.
> 
> I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
> 1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
> 2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
> 3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.
> 
> The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.
> 
> If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.
> 
> Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.
> 
> I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.
> 
> I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them._


Probably close to the mark. However, other man was only taking what your wife was willingly giving him.


----------



## Marc878

OP talking making idle threats or attempting to manipulate her won't get you much.

However, you'd better set some boundaries such as no contact, transparency, etc.

If you don't back up your boundaries with swift action you will enable her to push further. This will just keep you in the limbo hell you're in much longer.

Strength is attractive weakness is not.

You appear to be getting this better than most. Advice is worthless if you don't apply it.


----------



## Marc878

You cannot control or make anyone do anything. 


If you're smart you will realize you can only control yourself. It's in your best interest to get out of the infidelity. No matter which course you take. IN the end if you want to try and save your marriage you will have to be willing to end it. She'll either come along or she won't.

If you can't the road will be much longer and more painful than it should be


----------



## jld

podiumboy said:


> Damn, COLD BLOODED! Wow, this just makes me feel like such a beta male. I love sex, but I could never treat somebody this way!


Not seducing married women does not make you a "beta male." It makes you an honorable man.

OP, your reading the post may give you insight into why your wife fell for him. It was certainly not right that she engaged in this affair. But it does not necessarily have to be the end of the marriage. Reconciliation, if you both want it, may be possible.

Whether you reconcile or divorce, please consider carefully how you go about exposure. Your children are going to be affected by how this whole thing is handled. If there is a lot of drama, they are likely to bear at least some of the fallout. Neighborhood parents may be talking, and other children listening. They may not be sensitive to your children's feelings.

In a nutshell: please think carefully, and consider especially the impact to all the children involved, before you act. Taking some time and getting some professional advice could be well worth it.


----------



## jda79

All of this information has been excellent and I have taken a lot of it to heart.

Update:

She and our daughter left the house. I sent a message to the OM's wife that we needed to talk. Long story short...We just blew this up. She knows everything and will be confronting him. I even told her about the past affairs. 

My wife called me to say that she talk to her parents. The only thing she would tell me is they want us to make it work. I told her whatever. She said not to do anything rash like pack up and leave. 

I'm at the angry stage now. I'm f******* furious now. I am leaving to get STD tested at a nearby lab and then headed to my parents to tell them everything. The hard part believe it our not will be telling my aunt. My aunt and wife are close just I am close with her (she is practically my godmother). s*** is going down.

Another thing to note, he is 13 freaking years older than her.


----------



## oldshirt

Your initial instincts will be to try to "nice" her back and to do the "Pick Me! Dance." 

This is actually the worst thing you can do right now. 

The first thing you need to do is STOP TALKING. Do not make any threats or saying, ..I am going to.." 

Do not do any negotiations, accommidations or make any deals. 

Do not agree to reconcile. 

Do not agree to divorce (at this point anyway)

Do not tip your hand or show your cards in any way. 

Whatever you do, do without warning. 

Your actions will determine your fate and your future, not your words.


----------



## smi11ie

Definitely tell the OBS. Your wife looks like she is heading for the door. I would also tell her family and friends. I don't think she is going to listen to you alone.


----------



## jld

jda79 said:


> All of this information has been excellent and I have taken a lot of it to heart.
> 
> Update:
> 
> She and our daughter left the house. I sent a message to the OM's wife that we needed to talk. Long story short...We just blew this up. She knows everything and will be confronting him. I even told her about the past affairs.
> 
> My wife called me to say that she talk to her parents. The only thing she would tell me is they want us to make it work. I told her whatever. She said not to do anything rash like pack up and leave.
> 
> I'm at the angry stage now. I'm f******* furious now. I am leaving to get STD tested at a nearby lab and then headed to my parents to tell them everything. The hard part believe it our not will be telling my aunt. My aunt and wife are close just I am close with her (she is practically my godmother). s*** is going down.
> 
> Another thing to note, *he is 13 freaking years older than her*.


Sounds experienced, just like that poster I quoted. Your wife was likely naive to his expertise.

Your aunt looks to be the key here. Her influence over your wife should be very helpful.

Very glad his wife was receptive to your contact.


----------



## TRy

jda79 said:


> I told her that if there is any remote chance for us to try to move forward, she had to cut all communications with him and I need her passwords (which I have). Her response was "ok". She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."


First, you already told her that if she wants to have a chance to save the marriage, she had to cut all communications with the other man (OM), and she said "OK", but that did not stop her from communicating with the OM. That is because she was saying OK in that she understood the terms if she wanted to try to save the marriage, but since she has not committed to trying to save the marriage, she is not bound by the terms of cutting contact with the OM.

You need to ask her to agree out of basic decency to go 100% to no contact with the OM, and you need her to agree to it right now. Do not beg, that never works. If she does not agree in clear words to go no contact, then tell her that you have your answer as to how to proceed, and that you will be aggressively pursuing divorce.

BTW: her telling you that "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married", is her seeing if she can take control of the situation and get you to do the pick me dance. Do not buy into this.


----------



## jld

I think her saying she is not sure she wants to be married is sincere and heartfelt. She is just trying to be honest with you, OP.


----------



## oldshirt

The first things you will need to do is to protect yourself and protect your assets, property and relationship with your children. 

She is currently an unrepentant adulteress that has serious consideration of leaving and divorcing you. 

That means you must get to a lawyer FIRST and protect your assets. You will need to secure all of your accounts, investments, assets and properties so that she can not walk into the bank and walk out with all of your money. This is no joke. This has happened to many BS's. 

You need to get your accounts secured and properties protected and a binding temporary custody arrangement in place so that she can not empty out all of the accounts and take off somewhere with the children. 

Get an attorney yesterday and get the proper paperwork and documents in place immediately. 

This is actually a simple 2-step process. #1. Get an experienced, competent divorce attorney immediately. 

#2. Do what the attorney says and don't do anything without his/her knowledge and blessing. Getting a divorce is something new and intimidating to you. But an experience divorce attorney has been to law school, has studied the divorce laws of your jurisdiction and does divorces day in and day out, all day every day for many years and knows more about what you need to do than you do. Follow the lawyers counsel and do what the lawyer says. 

Do not try to save a few thousand bucks by making this a DIY project. That will cost you tens of thousands and may cost you access to your children and properties.


----------



## sokillme

jld said:


> I think her saying she is not sure she wants to be married is sincere and heartfelt. She is just trying to be honest with you, OP.


Yeah she is the picture of honesty.


----------



## jld

sokillme said:


> Yeah she is the picture of honesty.


It could be a start.


----------



## sokillme

manwithnoname said:


> I've read this before. The guy was successful with women who had poor boundaries and likely cheated before.


And really stupid. Lets hope they didn't reproduce.


----------



## GusPolinski

jda79 said:


> All of this information has been excellent and I have taken a lot of it to heart.
> 
> Update:
> 
> She and our daughter left the house. I sent a message to the OM's wife that we needed to talk. Long story short...We just blew this up. She knows everything and will be confronting him. I even told her about the past affairs.
> 
> My wife called me to say that she talk to her parents. The only thing she would tell me is they want us to make it work. I told her whatever. She said not to do anything rash like pack up and leave.
> 
> I'm at the angry stage now. I'm f******* furious now. I am leaving to get STD tested at a nearby lab and then headed to my parents to tell them everything. The hard part believe it our not will be telling my aunt. My aunt and wife are close just I am close with her (she is practically my godmother). s*** is going down.
> 
> Another thing to note, he is 13 freaking years older than her.


Where are your other children?


----------



## EllaSuaveterre

manwithnoname said:


> Why defend a cheater so strongly? I was defending the OP, and I get attacked?


I'm not attacking you, not at all. I'm merely defending his wife because she is a human being and deserves to be defended. The OP doesn't need to be defended, because no one attacked him. You can tell a betrayed spouse that they need to put themselves first, that they did nothing wrong, and that they need to take care of themselves, _without_ telling them that their spouse doesn't deserve anything good. And let's just be clear, I'm not defending her actions; I am only defending her human rights. And make no mistake, saying that his wife doesn't need to nurse her wounds because they are self-inflicted is removing her humanity, in addition to being counterproductive. ALL people deserve rest, care, and relaxation. Cheaters too.


----------



## Marc878

jda79 said:


> All of this information has been excellent and I have taken a lot of it to heart.
> 
> Update:
> 
> She and our daughter left the house. I sent a message to the OM's wife that we needed to talk. Long story short...We just blew this up. She knows everything and will be confronting him. I even told her about the past affairs.
> 
> My wife called me to say that she talk to her parents. The only thing she would tell me is they want us to make it work. I told her whatever. She said not to do anything rash like pack up and leave.
> 
> You know why? They are looking out for HER best interest not yours. They don't want to be bothered of helping her out. Blood is always thicker than water. You do what you need to do. *Do not leave your home or your bedroom.* I would move her out to the couch, etc.
> 
> I'm at the angry stage now. I'm f******* furious now. I am leaving to get STD tested at a nearby lab and then headed to my parents to tell them everything. The hard part believe it our not will be telling my aunt. My aunt and wife are close just I am close with her (she is practically my godmother). s*** is going down.
> 
> Another thing to note, he is 13 freaking years older than her.


How old are your kids? If they are older they should be told in a sanitized version. Do not let your wife lie to them!!!

Do not accept any blamshifting!!!! She like most will probably be vilifying you to cover for hereslf in this.


----------



## sokillme

jld said:


> OP, your reading the post may give you insight into why your wife fell for him. It was certainly not right that she engaged in this affair. But it does not necessarily have to be the end of the marriage. Reconciliation, if you both want it, may be possible.


 @jld look up "The Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations".


----------



## oldshirt

In regards to exposure. 

Exposure needs to be mindful, target-specific and without warning. 

Expose to the OM's W immediately and fully and without warning. 

Knock on their door and inform her and present all the evidence on their front doorstep in front of him if you want. 

Then present the evidence and disclosure to HER parents and immediate family. 

This is not to shame her or to punish her or to inflict any pain or anguish on her. 

This is to inform them of why her marital home life is being turned upside down and so that she does not completely turn this around and make it because you aren't doing your husbandly duties or because "....we just drifted apart..." 

Let then know that things are in a state of upheaval in your house because she is in love with another man, has been having an affair for many months and is not currently sure if she wants to remain married to you or not. 

That is not slander, defamation, an attack on her character etc etc etc. It is objective fact as to why her home will be in a state of upheaval for some time and why she may be moving back in with the folks or siblings etc for awhile.


----------



## Marc878

jld said:


> I think her saying she is not sure she wants to be married is sincere and heartfelt. She is just trying to be honest with you, OP.


Hahahahahaha. Carrying on a secretive affair with the neighbor and she's being honest and sincere? It's the shock of getting caught. Nothing more. 

She is definitely not reconciliation material at this time. If she's so sincere she should move out and live with her parents.


----------



## jld

It is very good you are each telling your parents, OP. Wise decision from both of you, as they love not only their children, but surely want the best for their grandchildren, too.


----------



## sokillme

jda79 said:


> All of this information has been excellent and I have taken a lot of it to heart.
> 
> Update:
> 
> She and our daughter left the house. I sent a message to the OM's wife that we needed to talk. Long story short...We just blew this up. She knows everything and will be confronting him. I even told her about the past affairs.
> 
> My wife called me to say that she talk to her parents. The only thing she would tell me is they want us to make it work. I told her whatever. She said not to do anything rash like pack up and leave.
> 
> I'm at the angry stage now. I'm f******* furious now. I am leaving to get STD tested at a nearby lab and then headed to my parents to tell them everything. The hard part believe it our not will be telling my aunt. My aunt and wife are close just I am close with her (she is practically my godmother). s*** is going down.
> 
> Another thing to note, he is 13 freaking years older than her.


Don't settle because it's easy right now. You will end up miserable. Your wife told her boyfriend she doesn't love you. You can do better than that. And realize some posters are saying it's because she was stupid, and suggesting that women are just too dumb to understand they are being seduced. This is a lie there are plenty of women who wouldn't cheat. 

Finally the idea that kids can't grow up in separate home and be fine and thrive is an outdated idea. 50% of kids grow up that way now a days. Staying for the kids in a broken marriage just has them grow up in a broken home, as opposed to out of it.


----------



## Marc878

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I'm not attacking you, not at all. I'm merely defending his wife because she is a human being and deserves to be defended. The OP doesn't need to be defended, because no one attacked him. You can tell a betrayed spouse that they need to put themselves first, that they did nothing wrong, and that they need to take care of themselves, _without_ telling them that their spouse doesn't deserve anything good. And let's just be clear, I'm not defending her actions; I am only defending her human rights. And make no mistake, saying that his wife doesn't need to nurse her wounds because they are self-inflicted is removing her humanity, in addition to being counterproductive. *ALL people deserve rest, care, and relaxation. Cheaters too.*


Yep, all that planning and hiding the affair is hard work. Not to mention all the exhausting sex. She should move in with her parents. Let them look after her for awhile.


----------



## oldshirt

exposure to your friends and family is a little more tricky. 

If you have a very close friend or relative that will support you unconditionally and will be in your corner to fight and defend your best interests and your well being, then confide in that person/people. 

However you want to be aware of two things - 

- the first is you do not want to confide in anyone that may try to shift ANY blame to you and imply that you should have been more attentive or did more house work or was more involved with the kids etc and you don't want to confide in anyone that will try to instruct you on how to do the "Pick Me! Dance" better by saying that you need to lose weight or be better in bed etc etc.

You want someone that will drive you to the lawyers office and help you store some of your valuables at their house so she doesn't grab anything of yours when she moves out etc. 

You want someone that will advocate for you and protect your interests and support you and your well being alone. 

- and the other thing you need to keep in mind is anyone of your friends or relatives that you inform, will forever be somewhat resentful and embittered towards her and they will never fully accept her or your marriage of her again should you end up staying together (which is highly doubtful at this point, but it's something you need to be aware of nonetheless) 

And I wouldn't be afraid of disclosing this to any other neighbors that may become curious as to why there is a moving truck in your driveway. 

If this dude has a history of picking up other people's wives, then the other husbands in the neighborhood do have the right to know that their is a snake in their midst. 

Exposure is a critical component of busting an affair and taking back your agency. But it does need to be focused, mindful and for specific purpose. 

Affairs flourish in dark secrecy and wither and die quickly in the light of exposure. 

If you keep their dirty little secret, then you become a coconspirator in your own betrayal and your own emasculation.


----------



## Thundarr

Very sorry jda79. This will be a long and heartbreaking journey for you. No one deserves to be cheated on so remember that. You going to be an emotional wreck and just numb for a while. I'd say the best thing to do it read, read, and read about infidelity and how to cope. It's not as simple as divorce or reconcile and lord knows you don't know what you think yet. Your emotions are going to drag you around by the nose for a while. The sense of loss, hurt, anger, and fear are too much to deal with at first unless you're different than most people.


----------



## Evinrude58

jld said:


> I think her saying she is not sure she wants to be married is sincere and heartfelt. She is just trying to be honest with you, OP.


Omg. Please don't describe an adulteress as sincere, heartfelt, or honest. Nothing she says, or will say, is honest.
The truth is she doesn't love the OP anymore and never will----- because she chose to myrdee her love for him by having sex with another man.

It's over for her. She's still lying t him. He's just a tool to her now.


----------



## oldshirt

jda79 said:


> My wife called me to say that she talk to her parents. The only thing she would tell me is they want us to make it work. I told her whatever. She said not to do anything rash like pack up and leave.
> 
> .


OK let's keep straight who is advocating for who here. 

You need to have Advocates in your camp that represent stritckly you and your best interests such as you LAWYER and maybe your brother/best friend etc. 

Her parents are going to advocate for HER. They want you to be the nice beta boy that lets her have her fun on the side and lets her take her time trying to decide which man she wants to be with. They want you housing her and supporting her and making life easy for her while she tests drives every man in the Tri-County area to decide which one will be the best fit for her. 

#[email protected]% them. 

They may have been nice to you and treated you decently previously in your marriage. But make no mistakes, they are completely in HER camp and are there to support HER best interests - not yours. 

They want you to take care of her and support her during her mistreatment of you. They do not want you to do anything that makes her upset or scared or uncomfortable.

,,,And they certainly do not want her tossed out and living back in their house. 

You may have lived and respected them over the past years, but they are now part of the enemy camp that do not have your best interests at heart at all anymore.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

You should make sure that her parents know the whole story. She might have told them a sanitized version that didn't involve sex. Her story might have only mentioned the possibility of divorce with no mention of her affair. Throughout this whole process, she'll be trying to run interference and misleading people to protect herself and the OM. 

The women in this forum tend to jump to the defense of other women and I would not put much stock in what they say. As for the comments in here that claim she's telling you the heartfelt truth, I think that's hogwash. It's much more likely that your wife is VERY confused, VERY torn and has NO IDEA about the new reality she's facing. You need to bring that reality home to her. If you play this right, she will learn to respect you, regardless of whether you reconcile or divorce. The next few weeks will be a lot of anguish and crying on her part as she faces the potential loss of the man she's come to depend on for 13 years.


----------



## wilson

I know you're going through a lot now, but be sure to take a good look what was going on in your marriage before all this. It sounds like she was checked out already. What would have contributed to that? Often the affair is a symptom of underlying problems. In no way is an affair justified, but often we see marriages which are just barely hanging together before the affairs starts.

An analogy might be if you were having money problems and she robbed a bank. In no way is that a justified response, but you should honestly look at yourself and see if you contributed to the money problems. If you're gambling and spending money frivolously while the rent goes unpaid, then you need to realize that you were part of the problem. That doesn't mean you caused her to rob a bank, but it may mean you contributed to the situation where she thought about robbing a bank.

Recovery is a long road, but doable. However, you *both* will need to take a hard look at yourselves to figure out what needs to change. Obviously she has the bulk of the work to do, but you should also strive to make the marriage one where she is happier.

And I don't mean to insinuate you were a bad husband or anything. It sounds like you're a great guy and she's lucky to have you. Hopefully she'll realize that and you can work it all out.


----------



## oldshirt

as far as the STD testing, that's her job. She was the one screwing around. She's the one that needs to go get needles stuck in her arm and Q-tips stuck up her parts. 

She is the one that stepped out and got some strange on the side, so she needs to be the one to get subjected to all the poking and prodding and she needs to be the one bringing home the papers saying if she is bring kooties into the house or not. 

(yes, to be responsible, you should probably get tested too. But you don't need to tell her that)

I mean seriously, why should you go through the humiliation and degradation of getting tested and then you coming home and telling her the results so she can rest easy?????

Make her do it and bring her results home to you.


----------



## Evinrude58

I'm just going to tell you the truth:

Divorce your wife. 
She does not love you--- her words.
She never will love you again.
Once it's gone, it's gone.

Sir, all you can do in order that have a chance at a happy life is get rid of your remorseless, cheating wife, who has no shame over what she has done to the person that devoted his life to her.

If she stays, she will do so only for security and comfort. 

If you let her stay, you will be happy things are back to normal at first, then you will start noticing the lack of feelings she has, you will start feeling resentment for what she did and is not sorry for, and you will look over your shoulder for the rest of your life.

I've spent 3 years on this site reading cases just like yours. I've been through my own case of infidelity.

Here's how it plays out: a remorseless long term cheater like yours will string you along until she no longer needs you and just leaves. She will likely leave with this guy or another. 
Any affection you show her will repulse her. If you try the hysterical bonding thing, she will likely tell you that you repulse her.

I know you're hurting. I know she was your world. You feel like your future and dreams are being ripped away. They are.

But, the good news is that you are not 80 years old. You can rebuild, and find a woman that is loyal and loves you. And I assure you there are lots and lots of women that would want a good, faithful, hardworking man. 
Do NOT let this destroy your self esteem and confidence in yourself.

Keep your head up, get a lawyer and divorce, and I assure you--- moving forward and forgetting about your wife will ease the pain a lot sooner. Yes, it's going to take a few months. Never let yourself dwell on hoping things weren't like they are. Your wife will never be the same. She's dead. The person you loved truly is dead. They don't exist anymore.

You did good exposing other man to his wife.
Don't listen to anyone such as her parents, as you've been told. Listen to your lawyer. Get out of this marriage while she may have a tiny bit of guilt. Otherwise she will try to ruin you, and probably will anyway.

Remember she told you not to expose the OM. Her feelings and empathy is only for him. She has nothing for you. Don't lower your dignity by letting her know you still have feelings for her.

I promise you. You can get a new wife and be happy again. But not with this one. Divorce her.


----------



## VladDracul

VladDracul said:


> Lets see, they're actively sexting on FB and shocked you found out! If that's true, neither are the sharpest tools in the shed. The, "I love you but" is womanese for "I wished we lived 500 miles from each other".


----------



## oldshirt

wilson said:


> I know you're going through a lot now, but be sure to take a good look what was going on in your marriage before all this. It sounds like she was checked out already. What would have contributed to that? Often the affair is a symptom of underlying problems. In no way is an affair justified, but often we see marriages which are just barely hanging together before the affairs starts.
> 
> An analogy might be if you were having money problems and she robbed a bank. In no way is that a justified response, but you should honestly look at yourself and see if you contributed to the money problems. If you're gambling and spending money frivolously while the rent goes unpaid, then you need to realize that you were part of the problem. That doesn't mean you caused her to rob a bank, but it may mean you contributed to the situation where she thought about robbing a bank.
> 
> Recovery is a long road, but doable. However, you *both* will need to take a hard look at yourselves to figure out what needs to change. Obviously she has the bulk of the work to do, but you should also strive to make the marriage one where she is happier.
> 
> And I don't mean to insinuate you were a bad husband or anything. It sounds like you're a great guy and she's lucky to have you. Hopefully she'll realize that and you can work it all out.


This is the kind of Bullhucky you need to put out of your brain and ignore for now. 

This is the Reconciliation-Industrial-Complex psychobabble BS that makes people who were mistreated, betrayed, disrespected and exposed to life threatening diseases second-guess protecting themselves against people who are trying to use and manipulate them. 

You may have been a crappy husband and lousy lover, but that does not mean that she did not have a hundred other options other than to screw some neighbor. She had agency and free will. she could have pursued MC or approached you about meeting her needs better. She could have divorced you straight up and walked away and let you pursue your own interests. 

She had a million other options. She chose the one where she got it on and had thrills with the OM and came home with his semen in her exposing you to God knows what, while you were out working to support the family or home watching the kids. 

It's this kind of crap that put marriage counselor's kids through college while BS's continue to get chumped. 

Your job at this point is to protect your assets, resources and relationship with your children against someone who is cheating on you and preparing to divorce you. Your Job-1 is to get a lawyer and start preparing yourself. 

If a year or so down the road after you are divorced and have your financial and child custody affairs worked out, if you want to sit on a mountain top and self-reflect and reevaluate your marriage, that is your prerogative to do so. 

But at this point, this is just a bunch of background noise and Mind-Pollution that distracts you from taking care of Number One and protecting your assets and relationship with your children. 

If anyone even suggests that you should spend time and brain energy evaluating your role in her wrapping her legs over some other guys shoulders, just turn off your ears and walk away and do what your lawyer says.


----------



## Bibi1031

VladDracul said:


> Lets see, they're actively sexting on FB and shocked you found out! If that's true, neither are the sharpest tools in the shed. The, "I love you but" is womanese for "I wished we lived 500 miles from each other". The really bad thing is it "comes and goes", they must be doing it at your house.


Me thinks both his and the OM`'s marital beds have been humping grounds for these remorse less cheaters. The lack of care or respect is despicable.


----------



## Evinrude58

oldshirt said:


> This is the kind of Bullhucky you need to put out of your brain and ignore for now.
> 
> This is the Reconciliation-Industrial-Complex psychobabble BS that makes people who were mistreated, betrayed, disrespected and exposed to life threatening diseases second-guess protecting themselves against people who are trying to use and manipulate them.
> 
> You may have been a crappy husband and lousy lover, but that does not mean that she did not have a hundred other options other than to screw some neighbor. She had agency and free will. she could have pursued MC or approached you about meeting her needs better. She could have divorced you straight up and walked away and let you pursue your own interests.
> 
> She had a million other options. She chose the one where she got it on and had thrills with the OM and came home with his semen in her exposing you to God knows what, while you were out working to support the family or home watching the kids.
> 
> It's this kind of crap that put marriage counselor's kids through college while BS's continue to get chumped.
> 
> Your job at this point is to protect your assets, resources and relationship with your children against someone who is cheating on you and preparing to divorce you. Your Job-1 is to get a lawyer and start preparing yourself.
> 
> If a year or so down the road after you are divorced and have your financial and child custody affairs worked out, if you want to sit on a mountain top and self-reflect and reevaluate your marriage, that is your prerogative to do so.
> 
> But at this point, this is just a bunch of background noise and Mind-Pollution that distracts you from taking care of Number One and protecting your assets and relationship with your children.
> 
> If anyone even suggests that you should spend time and brain energy evaluating your role in her wrapping her legs over some other guys shoulders, just turn off your ears and walk away and do what your lawyer says.


Can I have permission to copy/paste this?
I am in total agreement.


----------



## sokillme

Evinrude58 said:


> I'm just going to tell you the truth:
> 
> Divorce your wife.
> She does not love you--- her words.
> She never will love you again.
> Once it's gone, it's gone.
> 
> Sir, all you can do in order that have a chance at a happy life is get rid of your remorseless, cheating wife, who has no shame over what she has done to the person that devoted his life to her.
> 
> If she stays, she will do so only for security and comfort.
> 
> If you let her stay, you will be happy things are back to normal at first, then you will start noticing the lack of feelings she has, you will start feeling resentment for what she did and is not sorry for, and you will look over your shoulder for the rest of your life.
> 
> I've spent 3 years on this site reading cases just like yours. I've been through my own case of infidelity.
> 
> Here's how it plays out: a remorseless long term cheater like yours will string you along until she no longer needs you and just leaves. She will likely leave with this guy or another.
> Any affection you show her will repulse her. If you try the hysterical bonding thing, she will likely tell you that you repulse her.
> 
> I know you're hurting. I know she was your world. You feel like your future and dreams are being ripped away. They are.
> 
> But, the good news is that you are not 80 years old. You can rebuild, and find a woman that is loyal and loves you. And I assure you there are lots and lots of women that would want a good, faithful, hardworking man.
> Do NOT let this destroy your self esteem and confidence in yourself.
> 
> Keep your head up, get a lawyer and divorce, and I assure you--- moving forward and forgetting about your wife will ease the pain a lot sooner. Yes, it's going to take a few months. Never let yourself dwell on hoping things weren't like they are. Your wife will never be the same. She's dead. The person you loved truly is dead. They don't exist anymore.
> 
> You did good exposing other man to his wife.
> Don't listen to anyone such as her parents, as you've been told. Listen to your lawyer. Get out of this marriage while she may have a tiny bit of guilt. Otherwise she will try to ruin you, and probably will anyway.
> 
> Remember she told you not to expose the OM. Her feelings and empathy is only for him. She has nothing for you. Don't lower your dignity by letting her know you still have feelings for her.
> 
> I promise you. You can get a new wife and be happy again. But not with this one. Divorce her.


I will confirm what is said here. That is why I linked to the stories of the people who got strong. They ended up doing just that moved on. Some people hold on but for the most part they are miserable. Lots hold on for a while then come to there senses because the trauma starts to heal and move on and with they had moved on sooner. 

Read those links. Those people didn't compromise what they always thought they would do. They did what they thought they would do which was not stay with a cheater. Everyone of them ended up happy in the end. 

When you have standards abandoning them in a crisis is not a good way to heal. So many people say, I would never stay with a cheater. Then they get cheated on and stay. The answer they give is well you don't know until you get cheated on. My feeling is they are no longer in their right mind because of the trauma and that is why they stay. I think it's better to stick with the plan you always had, because when the trauma ends you will regret that you didn't hold up to your standards. Meaning now is the time to ignore your emotions and act on what you you always told yourself you would do. Just how soldiers act on their training. 

Besides all that, hit the gym. Exercise releases endorphins which helps with mood, it also gives you tangible goals and daily successes. It has the added side effect of making you more attractive.


----------



## harrybrown

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I'm not attacking you, not at all. I'm merely defending his wife because she is a human being and deserves to be defended. The OP doesn't need to be defended, because no one attacked him. You can tell a betrayed spouse that they need to put themselves first, that they did nothing wrong, and that they need to take care of themselves, _without_ telling them that their spouse doesn't deserve anything good. And let's just be clear, I'm not defending her actions; I am only defending her human rights. And make no mistake, saying that his wife doesn't need to nurse her wounds because they are self-inflicted is removing her humanity, in addition to being counterproductive. ALL people deserve rest, care, and relaxation. Cheaters too.



what about the OM and his wife? they have been attacking him for quite some time now.

They are still attacking him today with their plans and being in communication.

His wife could have divorced him before the A. But no she attacked him and she had the OM in their house. The OP has been under attack, and his wife has been very deceitful, lying and horrible to him.


----------



## oldshirt

Evinrude58 said:


> Can I have permission to copy/paste this?
> I am in total agreement.


Yeah, everyone needs to.


----------



## EllaSuaveterre

harrybrown said:


> what about the OM and his wife? they have been attacking him for quite some time now.
> 
> They are still attacking him today with their plans and being in communication.
> 
> His wife could have divorced him before the A. But no she attacked him and she had the OM in their house. The OP has been under attack, and his wife has been very deceitful, lying and horrible to him.


This is true. He is being attacked by his wife's infidelity. The two wrongs don't make a right. It does nothing to protect the original poster to say that his wife doesn't deserve this or that. Yes, he can and should choose to prioritize his own mental health and well-being now, but depriving his wife of the same won't do any good.


----------



## sokillme

oldshirt said:


> This is the kind of Bullhucky you need to put out of your brain and ignore for now.
> 
> This is the Reconciliation-Industrial-Complex psychobabble BS that makes people who were mistreated, betrayed, disrespected and exposed to life threatening diseases second-guess protecting themselves against people who are trying to use and manipulate them.
> 
> You may have been a crappy husband and lousy lover, but that does not mean that she did not have a hundred other options other than to screw some neighbor. She had agency and free will. she could have pursued MC or approached you about meeting her needs better. She could have divorced you straight up and walked away and let you pursue your own interests.
> 
> She had a million other options. She chose the one where she got it on and had thrills with the OM and came home with his semen in her exposing you to God knows what, while you were out working to support the family or home watching the kids.
> 
> It's this kind of crap that put marriage counselor's kids through college while BS's continue to get chumped.
> 
> Your job at this point is to protect your assets, resources and relationship with your children against someone who is cheating on you and preparing to divorce you. Your Job-1 is to get a lawyer and start preparing yourself.
> 
> If a year or so down the road after you are divorced and have your financial and child custody affairs worked out, if you want to sit on a mountain top and self-reflect and reevaluate your marriage, that is your prerogative to do so.
> 
> But at this point, this is just a bunch of background noise and Mind-Pollution that distracts you from taking care of Number One and protecting your assets and relationship with your children.
> 
> If anyone even suggests that you should spend time and brain energy evaluating your role in her wrapping her legs over some other guys shoulders, just turn off your ears and walk away and do what your lawyer says.


Agreed, infidelity is very much like emotional rape. Only the most loathsome apologist would say that it ISN'T abuse. We all know there never any excuse to abuse someone. It is also noticeable that these apologist are much less likely to present these kind of ideas when the husband cheats on the wife. 

The idea that your actions somehow caused this it akin to telling a women she deserved to get raped because her dress was too short. Just ignore it. You both were in the same marriage. Your wife cheated because she wanted to and has a lack of character. She could have done a whole host of things. Worked on the marriage or just divorced you and kept her dignity intact.


----------



## Jessica38

Send an email to the family (incl. her parents) yourself. WS are notorious for rewriting history. She will tell them her reasons for engaging in the affair that are not based on reality.

Send something like:

I'm asking for your support and help in saving my marriage. Until I read sexually explicit texts from Wife to OM, I thought our marriage was solid. I'm now shocked and deeply hurt and need the support of close friends and family while we work to end Wife's affair and rebuild our marriage.


----------



## turnera

What do you want? To ditch her immediately or to get her to stop cheating and keep her?


----------



## EllaSuaveterre

Tatsuhiko said:


> It's much more likely that your wife is VERY confused, VERY torn and has NO IDEA about the new reality she's facing. You need to bring that reality home to her. If you play this right, she will learn to respect you, regardless of whether you reconcile or divorce. The next few weeks will be a lot of anguish and crying on her part as she faces the potential loss of the man she's come to depend on for 13 years.


This is why I will never tear down a wayward spouse. Maybe if they truly don't realize what they've done I will gently inform them. But otherwise I have compassion. Realizing that you ruined your own life and you didn't even know it until it was too late is the sort of thing that absolutely rips your soul out, and it is hard enough without everyone else trying to rip it out for you. Wayward spouses are scared, confused, grieved, and scared again, and they usually don't have anyone to lean on for support because it was their own doing, and people therefore mistakenly believe they don't deserve human compassion. Didn't anybody feel for Faust when he sold his soul to the devil?


----------



## Jessica38

After YOU do a full exposure, Wife needs send a No Contact letter to OM. And your family needs to move. Wife needs to change all contact info so she cannot be reached by OM. 

Get into marital coaching. 

Wife will be grieving her affair. This will be painful to watch. One text from OM will rekindle the entire thing and the process will start over. 

You two will need to commit to full transparency about where/when/what she is doing in her day at all times. You will need to commit to at least 15 hours/week time together one on one.


----------



## oldshirt

EllaSuaveterre said:


> This is true. He is being attacked by his wife's infidelity. The two wrongs don't make a right. It does nothing to protect the original poster to say that his wife doesn't deserve this or that. Yes, he can and should choose to prioritize his own mental health and well-being now, but depriving his wife of the same won't do any good.


You're not getting it. It's not about doing anything "to" his STBX. It's about protecting himself and his own best interests. 

Think of it like a terrorist setting off a bomb in a plane and the plane is spiraling in a big fireball towards the earth and there are the pilot, the terrorist and one parachute in the plane. 

People are urging the pilot to get the parachute and get out of the plane before it smashes a big smoking hole in the ground. The objective is to get the pilot out and survive. Noone is saying the pilot has to kill the terrorist first. They are just saying to get out and not worry about the terrorist. 

The terrorist determined his own fate by his actions. He now becomes irrelevant and gets whatever outcome he has determined by his own actions. 

So too is the WW. She rigged up the bomb. Set the timer. Planted it and set it off. 

The BS is the victim here that needs advice, guidance and support. The important thing is to get him out and insure his survival. If the WW splats like a bug on a windshield, too bad so sad. 

It was by her own hand. Not something that he did to her.


----------



## oldshirt

Jessica38 said:


> After YOU do a full exposure, Wife needs send a No Contact letter to OM. And your family needs to move. Wife needs to change all contact info so she cannot be reached by OM.
> 
> Get into marital coaching.
> 
> Wife will be grieving her affair. This will be painful to watch. One text from OM will rekindle the entire thing and the process will start over.
> 
> You two will need to commit to full transparency about where/when/what she is doing in her day at all times. You will need to commit to at least 15 hours/week time together one on one.


You are taking the assumption that they should/will/can devote time, energy and monies to reconciling. 

Why is always a default assumption that a couple should reconcile????

She got busted doing the neighbor. She didn't try to cover her tracks very well and when she was busted, she really didn't even try to deny it very much and she has told him to his face that even if the affair ends, she may still not want to stay with him. 

This is not grounds for a successful or healthy and happy reconciliation. 

This is not about finishing up a Carribean cruise after a bout of Montezuma's Revenge and salvaging a few good days on the beach. 

This is about getting into a life raft before the sinking ship pulls you under.


----------



## Evinrude58

EllaSuaveterre said:


> This is why I will never tear down a wayward spouse. Maybe if they truly don't realize what they've done I will gently inform them. But otherwise I have compassion. Realizing that you ruined your own life and you didn't even know it until it was too late is the sort of thing that absolutely rips your soul out, and it is hard enough without everyone else trying to rip it out for you. Wayward spouses are scared, confused, grieved, and scared again, and they usually don't have anyone to lean on for support because it was their own doing, and people therefore mistakenly believe they don't deserve human compassion. Didn't anybody feel for Faust when he sold his soul to the devil?


Lol, this is just a projection of how YOU felt, Ella.
His cheating spouse does not feel scared or confused, I don't think. I think she feels sorry she was caught, worried her husband might have balls enough to send her cheating arse packing.....

She should be scared. She should be worried.
She did the most evil act a woman can do to her husband. She did it for months.
She has zero love for him, and told him so.
I believe a person like OP's wife both deserves and needs stern consequences---- in order to hopefully change her behavior so she doesn't ruin other people's lives in the future. She has ruined the OO's life. Just for her own selfish reasons.
Your compassion for the cheater is misplaced. 
All cheaters don't think like you do. I hope you realize that. 
I'll save my compassion for those that actually have a little remorse. This one doesn't.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

EllaSuaveterre said:


> This is why I will never tear down a wayward spouse. Maybe if they truly don't realize what they've done I will gently inform them. But otherwise I have compassion.


If you look within yourself, I think it's more likely that you're unwilling to tear down wayward spouses because you _were_ one. Everyone deserves a level of human compassion, but adults also deserve consequences and should be held accountable for their actions. Faust can reap what he sowed. 

The advice we're giving the OP is intended to help save his marriage, if he so chooses. Everyone knows that "nicing" your spouse back doesn't work. Neither does "compassioning" them.


----------



## sokillme

Jessica38 said:


> After YOU do a full exposure, Wife needs send a No Contact letter to OM. And your family needs to move. Wife needs to change all contact info so she cannot be reached by OM.
> 
> Get into marital coaching.
> 
> Wife will be grieving her affair. This will be painful to watch. One text from OM will rekindle the entire thing and the process will start over.
> 
> You two will need to commit to full transparency about where/when/what she is doing in her day at all times. You will need to commit to at least 15 hours/week time together one on one.


Notice not one person in this thread is pushing for staying together and RIGHTFULLY so. The only difference is her *husband * as far as we know didn't physically cheat, just text strippers. So typical.


----------



## Evinrude58

Jessica38 said:


> After YOU do a full exposure, Wife needs send a No Contact letter to OM. And your family needs to move. Wife needs to change all contact info so she cannot be reached by OM.
> 
> Get into marital coaching.
> 
> Wife will be grieving her affair. This will be painful to watch. One text from OM will rekindle the entire thing and the process will start over.
> 
> You two will need to commit to full transparency about where/when/what she is doing in her day at all times. You will need to commit to at least 15 hours/week time together one on one.


But Jessica, she doesn't want to reconcile!


----------



## Marc878

oldshirt said:


> You may have been a crappy husband and lousy lover, but that does not mean that she did not have a hundred other options other than to screw some neighbor. She had agency and free will. she could have pursued MC or approached you about meeting her needs better. She could have divorced you straight up and walked away and let you pursue your own interests.
> 
> None of us are perfect your wife isn't either. Did you go over and screw the neighbor become of it?
> 
> She had a million other options. She chose the one where she got it on and had thrills with the OM and came home with his semen in her exposing you to God knows what, while you were out working to support the family or home watching the kids.
> 
> Don't be shocked if she brought him into your home and screwed him in your marital bed.
> 
> *It's this kind of crap that put marriage counselor's kids through college while BS's continue to chumped. *
> 
> MC if you can find a good one is great but many are morons who can inflict more damage than help. At this time it's way to early to even think about.
> 
> Your job at this point is to protect your assets, resources and relationship with your children against someone who is cheating on you and preparing to divorce you. Your Job-1 is to get a lawyer and start preparing yourself.
> 
> Your wife has shown you who she is and what she's capable of. You'd be wise to believe her.
> 
> If a year or so down the road after you are divorced and have your financial and child custody affairs worked out, if you want to sit on a mountain top and self-reflect and reevaluate your marriage, that is your prerogative to do so.
> 
> But at this point, this is just a bunch of background noise and Mind-Pollution that distracts you from taking care of Number One and protecting your assets and relationship with your children.
> 
> If anyone even suggests that you should spend time and brain energy evaluating your role in her wrapping her legs over some other guys shoulders, just turn off your ears and walk away and do what your lawyer says.


You didn't deserve this no one does. You will be in love with who you thought your wife was but you'd better wake up to the fact of who she is. For your own sake and that of your kids.

You can't take this disrespect in front of your children. It's hard to tell what they've seen or know.

You only know the tip of the iceberg at this time. 

Sorry man


----------



## oldshirt

Jessica38 said:


> Send an email to the family (incl. her parents) yourself. WS are notorious for rewriting history. She will tell them her reasons for engaging in the affair that are not based on reality.
> 
> Send something like:
> 
> I'm asking for your support and help in saving my marriage. Until I read sexually explicit texts from Wife to OM, I thought our marriage was solid. I'm now shocked and deeply hurt and need the support of close friends and family while we work to end Wife's affair and rebuild our marriage.


Again, your default assumption is he/they should try to save the marriage and that the exposure is to garner support and assistance in helping him "save" the marriage. 

That is not necessarily the reason for disclosure. 

The disclosure is initially to bring the affair out into the light so that all of the involved players are aware of it and can do what they need to do to protect themselves and protect their assets. 

Disclosure to her family isn't necessarily to garner help and support in "saving the marriage" but so that they are aware of the facts as to why their daughter may be showing up on the doorstep for a place to stay. 

It is also so that they are aware of the actual facts of the upheaval of family so that the WW doesn't pin it on him and say that he is abusive or neglectful or molesting the children etc etc. 

It may be so that he can explain why he is NOT trying to 'save the marriage' and why he is divorcing their daughter and why their grandchildren will be shuffling between two different homes.


----------



## *Deidre*

jld said:


> I think her saying she is not sure she wants to be married is sincere and heartfelt. She is just trying to be honest with you, OP.


That always strikes me as ''I'm not sure if I can make it on my own, and since you pay the bills and I have a good lifestyle, not sure I want to give that up just yet. If I could have my marriage AND my lover, I probably would stay, no question. But, since I have to make a choice...hmmm, I'm so confused.''

Funny, she was only confused when she got caught.

Not sure why, but it seems like many people treat us women like we're children. We don't know what we're doing, we're confused, we need help, we are unable to make good decisions, etc etc. Meanwhile, if a woman were posting this, you wouldn't see the same responses towards the wayward husband. The OP's wife is an adult, and she knows _*exactly*_ what she's doing. She CHOSE to have an affair. She CHOSE to betray her husband. No one accidentally falls into bed several times with another man. While she might need help, she is still an adult and needs to totally own what she did.

I'm against reconciliation with cheating, especially in a case like this where the wayward is spelling out that she doesn't love her husband anymore. That's clear without her saying that, though. I think that some people feel words mean more than actions. They don't. Actions always speak louder. If I tell you that I'm your best friend, but I keep betraying you, will you believe me? You shouldn't. That said, if you choose to reconcile with your wife, OP...please make sure she is coming back to you for you, and for the right reasons, not because the affair has been exposed and now she has nowhere to go. Or you're her consolation prize since she can't have her lover, anymore. To me, I'd rather be alone forever than go back with someone who will always only see me as a second option.


----------



## Bibi1031

Evinrude58 said:


> Can I have permission to copy/paste this?
> I am in total agreement.


Me too!!!!!!

You have been betrayed in the worst way. Protect yourself and your relationship with your kids by exposing and taking legal action against your cheating wife`s total lack of care for you or the kids. Choices have consequences. 

Show her the consequences of her poor, selfish choices. She chose no mercy to you and probably banged this nasty man in your home and bed. She is about to get a dose of her own medicine and show no mercy like she is still doing to you.


----------



## Marc878

*Deidre* said:


> That always strikes me as ''I'm not sure if I can make it on my own, and since you pay the bills and I have a good lifestyle, not sure I want to give that up just yet. If I could have my marriage AND my lover, I probably would stay, no question. But, since I have to make a choice...hmmm, I'm so confused.''
> 
> Funny, she was only confused when she got caught.


Hahahaha nice insight.

Sounds like a very entitled princess.

*So I've been screwing the neighbor behind your back but I'm not sure I can give you a chance to stay married to me??? *Um, why would that be her choice???

Poor muffin is delusional.


----------



## oldshirt

sokillme said:


> Notice not one person in this thread is pushing for staying together and RIGHTFULLY so.


I'm not even seeing where the WW is actually trying to "save the marriage" per se herself. 

I am getting she is just trying to do enough damage-control to where she doesn't have to pack her stuff this weekend. 

She is simply trying to do damage-control and have the luxury of taking her sweet time to feather her next nest and get all her ducks in a row at her leisure so she can find someone else and move on with her life without any drama or chaos. It's not like she's actually trying to stay with the OP and maintain a happy and healthy marriage with him. 

And the OP is still in enough shock, I don't think he's had time to actually sit and determine which course of action he want's to take either, but he certainly has not being saying anything about wanting to save the marriage and ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after with her (much to his credit I must add) 

The only ones that have given any indication that they want them to stay together is her parents, but that is just because no one wants their daughter and grandchildren tossed into the street and they don't want her showing up on their doorstep. 

This is kind of a slam-dunk that reconciliation and "saving the marriage" should not be the knee-jerk reaction here.


----------



## Evinrude58

The good thing here is also the hurtful thing.

OP's wife isn't going to stay. She's going to dump her husband.

This is going to release him so he can go get healed and find happiness with a decent woman.

We all know where the WS's life is headed, and it won't be pretty.

I just hope OP is able to muster the courage to see a lawyer and start the divorce process and get agreements signed while she feels a little guilt (if she does, I see no evidence).

OP seems to be more solid than I was. He's already feeling anger.
Going through the stages of grief quickly. That's a good sign for his emotional strength.

I think he's going to be ok.


----------



## *Deidre*

Marc878 said:


> Hahahaha nice insight.
> 
> Sounds like a very entitled princess.
> 
> *So I've been screwing the neighbor behind your back but I'm not sure I can give you a chance to stay married to me??? *Um, why would that be her choice???
> 
> Poor muffin is delusional.


Well, she will only get away with what the OP will allow. We teach people how to treat us, so ...

But, it's just how I see it, especially if the husband is the breadwinner, and the wife isn't working at all. Why do people think that their wayward spouse wants to stay married, if they were having sex with another person for the last several months? Does that sound like someone who really wants to be married? I don't understand the mindset of betrayed spouses who actually believe the lies from their wayward spouses, who sorry to say, are in a panic over losing their lifestyle.


----------



## sokillme

oldshirt said:


> I'm not even seeing where the WW is actually trying to "save the marriage" per se herself.
> 
> I am getting she is just trying to do enough damage-control to where she doesn't have to pack her stuff this weekend.
> 
> She is simply trying to do damage-control and have the luxury of taking her sweet time to feather her next nest and get all her ducks in a row at her leisure so she can find someone else and move on with her life without any drama or chaos. It's not like she's actually trying to stay with the OP and maintain a happy and healthy marriage with him.
> 
> And the OP is still in enough shock, I don't think he's had time to actually sit and determine which course of action he want's to take either, but he certainly has not being saying anything about wanting to save the marriage and ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after with her (much to his credit I must add)
> 
> The only ones that have given any indication that they want them to stay together is her parents, but that is just because no one wants their daughter and grandchildren tossed into the street and they don't want her showing up on their doorstep.
> 
> This is kind of a slam-dunk that reconciliation and "saving the marriage" should not be the knee-jerk reaction here.


You are not getting my point. On the other thread I linked to where the *HUSBAND* cheated by sending text to strippers everyone is saying leave (which I agree with), no one is blaming the poster. On here there are quite a few apologist for this guys *WIFE*, some are even blaming him and quite a few people already talking about saving the marriage. And this guys wife had a physical affair with the neighbor. 

The difference is stark but not surprising. Female cheaters will always have white knights.


----------



## Evinrude58

*Deidre* said:


> Well, she will only get away with what the OP will allow. We teach people how to treat us, so ...
> 
> But, it's just how I see it, especially if the husband is the breadwinner, and the wife isn't working at all. Why do people think that their wayward spouse wants to stay married, if they were having sex with another person for the last several months? Does that sound like someone who really wants to be married? I don't understand the mindset of betrayed spouses who actually believe the lies from their wayward spouses, who sorry to say, are in a panic over losing their lifestyle.


It's the mindset of a desperate, emotionally traumatized person who is about to lose everything they hold dear in the world. They are losing their future as they planned it, their spouse whom they truly love, and possibly their time with their kids, AND are likely to be financially ruined.
Isn't it totally logical that they'd try to stay with their lousy, cheating spouse who doesn't love them in hopes that they won't lose ALL the aforementioned things?

It's rough, Deidre. Choose wisely when you decide to marry yourself! You don't want kids with a person of low character.


----------



## oldshirt

*Deidre* said:


> That always strikes me as ''I'm not sure if I can make it on my own, and since you pay the bills and I have a good lifestyle, not sure I want to give that up just yet. If I could have my marriage AND my lover, I probably would stay, no question. But, since I have to make a choice...hmmm, I'm so confused.''
> 
> Funny, she was only confused when she got caught.
> 
> .


95% of cheating is about caking eating (that is my own Keyboard Commando statistic and it is right on the money LOL)

People are inherently lazy and do not like big, sweeping changes and so they like to live with the comforts and stability that a marriage can provide, but they also want the hot, passionate, porn sex of getting some strange on the side. 

As long as she was getting both, she was good. 

Yes, she may sincerely be dissatisfied with the OP and the marriage, but she wasn't so dissatisfied that she was actually making preparations and taking actions to leave the marriage (that we know of yet anyway)
So our assumption here is that she was good with the status quo of both the marriage and the hot monkey sex with the OM. All was well as long as it was a dark secret and nothing was upsetting the fruit cart. 

She may be wanting a new life, but she was wanting to transition to that new life with no mess, no fuss, no snap decisions, no judgements from inlaws or neighbors or family etc, and she wanted to bide her time and do it on her time schedule at her leisure. 

But now that the OP has had to meddle into her affairs (pun intended) and has blown up fruit cart in informing the OM's wife (well played OP. Well played!!) now she's going to have to decide what to do while everything is blowing up all around her and she is going to have to make some quick decisions and most scary of all..........

......wait for it.......................................

......wait for it...........

*Other people might make some decisions for themselves that aren't in her better interests or according to her master plans. *

That's right. The OM may throw her under the bus and cut off her hot monkey sex and all of her kibbles and nuggets that stroke her ego and tell her how cute and great she is. 

And the OP may toss her out of the house and file papers on her that cuts off half of her financial accounts and cuts her access to her children in half and she may be sleeping on her parent's couch until she can find an apartment and pack up her stuff. 

This is all very disturbing and inconvenient to a selfish, entitled person that is all about ME ME ME. 

Her confusion is trying to decide what tale to spin and what story to tell and what mess to clean up to make her look the best right now. Her indecision is what course of action will be best for her if other people are pulling the rug out from under her master plan. 

She not confused about whether cheating was right or wrong. She just doesn't know what will make her come out of this smelling like a rose at the moment.


----------



## *Deidre*

Evinrude58 said:


> It's the mindset of a desperate, emotionally traumatized person who is about to lose everything they hold dear in the world. They are losing their future as they planned it, their spouse whom they truly love, and possibly their time with their kids, AND are likely to be financially ruined.
> Isn't it totally logical that they'd try to stay with their lousy, cheating spouse who doesn't love them in hopes that they won't lose ALL the aforementioned things?
> 
> It's rough, Deidre. Choose wisely when you decide to marry yourself! You don't want kids with a person of low character.


I understand that, but if this woman was next door sleeping with the neighbor for months, there had to be a noticeable difference in how much time her and the OP were spending together. She was busy texting, on facebook, and actually sleeping with the guy. In other words, the marriage probably showed red flags for a while, but many time, people don't want to admit that their marriages aren't all that great. ''My wonderful wife of 10 years who I adore has been cheating on me.'' I mean, she's not wonderful. And what you adore, might be wishful thinking. That's all I'm saying, if people would get real with how their relationships have actually been for a while, they'd see that an affair as not being all that out of their spouse's character. I know people can fake the way they are, and live a double life, but this woman had to really be a great actress to pull off coming across like a great wife, AND also giving a LOT of time and sex to another man. I understand what you're saying, but nothing is ever as it seems, and often, when betrayed spouses look back over the past year or so leading up to when they find these things out, they can see there were red flags, but they didn't want to cause an argument, or whatever. 

Not saying it's the BS fault, but it would be wise to just stop, and do nothing, and take it all in, instead of leaping to wanting to reconcile with the cheating spouse.


----------



## mickybill

jda79 said:


> So quick update.
> 
> Her response was "ok". She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."


A good response would've been that the choice of staying married is not really hers to make anymore. She can only choose to leave...staying is up to the OP. It takes to say yes, one to say no.

I want to give you a high 5 for dealing with so quickly and effectively. Keep strong and whatever the result is, keep being true to you and your kids.


----------



## *Deidre*

oldshirt said:


> 95% of cheating is about caking eating (that is my own Keyboard Commando statistic and it is right on the money LOL)
> 
> People are inherently lazy and do not like big, sweeping changes and so they like to live with the comforts and stability that a marriage can provide, but they also want the hot, passionate, porn sex of getting some strange on the side.
> 
> As long as she was getting both, she was good.
> 
> Yes, she may sincerely be dissatisfied with the OP and the marriage, but she wasn't so dissatisfied that she was actually making preparations and taking actions to leave the marriage (that we know of yet anyway)
> So our assumption here is that she was good with the status quo of both the marriage and the hot monkey sex with the OM. All was well as long as it was a dark secret and nothing was upsetting the fruit cart.
> 
> She may be wanting a new life, but she was wanting to transition to that new life with no mess, no fuss, no snap decisions, no judgements from inlaws or neighbors or family etc, and she wanted to bide her time and do it on her time schedule at her leisure.
> 
> But now that the OP has had to meddle into her affairs (pun intended) and has blown up fruit cart in informing the OM's wife (well played OP. Well played!!) now she's going to have to decide what to do while everything is blowing up all around her and she is going to have to make some quick decisions and most scary of all..........
> 
> ......wait for it.......................................
> 
> ......wait for it...........
> 
> *Other people might make some decisions for themselves that aren't in her better interests or according to her master plans. *
> 
> That's right. The OM may throw her under the bus and cut off her hot monkey sex and all of her kibbles and nuggets that stroke her ego and tell her how cute and great she is.
> 
> And the OP may toss her out of the house and file papers on her that cuts off half of her financial accounts and cuts her access to her children in half and she may be sleeping on her parent's couch until she can find an apartment and pack up her stuff.
> 
> This is all very disturbing and inconvenient to a selfish, entitled person that is all about ME ME ME.
> 
> Her confusion is trying to decide what tale to spin and what story to tell and what mess to clean up to make her look the best right now. Her indecision is what course of action will be best for her if other people are pulling the rug out from under her master plan.
> 
> She not confused about whether cheating was right or wrong. She just doesn't know what will make her come out of this smelling like a rose at the moment.


That makes sense, agree.


----------



## SunCMars

jld said:


> I think her saying she is not sure she wants to be married is sincere and heartfelt. She is just trying to be honest with you, OP.


You took a lot of heat from this post. Word choice matters.

You put the "WW and Honest" in the same sentence. 

Had you written: "When she tells you she is not sure she is in love with you, believe her. When she tells you she is not sure she wants to reconcile, believe her."

Had you written that, you would have an extra layer of epidermis on your pretty derriere.
Had you written that, you would have no "new" teeth marks on your soft neck.

Words matter. Your enemies will pick apart your words and put words in your pretty mouth. They will try to gag you...shoving bile coated expletives down your throat. 

They do the same to me. Problem: I like words, I chew on them for days. Grinding them down, digesting them and the next day I crap out beautiful floral arrangements.


----------



## Bibi1031

oldshirt said:


> 95% of cheating is about caking eating (that is my own Keyboard Commando statistic and it is right on the money LOL)
> 
> People are inherently lazy and do not like big, sweeping changes and so they like to live with the comforts and stability that a marriage can provide, but they also want the hot, passionate, porn sex of getting some strange on the side.
> 
> As long as she was getting both, she was good.
> 
> Yes, she may sincerely be dissatisfied with the OP and the marriage, but she wasn't so dissatisfied that she was actually making preparations and taking actions to leave the marriage (that we know of yet anyway)
> So our assumption here is that she was good with the status quo of both the marriage and the hot monkey sex with the OM. All was well as long as it was a dark secret and nothing was upsetting the fruit cart.
> 
> She may be wanting a new life, but she was wanting to transition to that new life with no mess, no fuss, no snap decisions, no judgements from inlaws or neighbors or family etc, and she wanted to bide her time and do it on her time schedule at her leisure.
> 
> But now that the OP has had to meddle into her affairs (pun intended) and has blown up fruit cart in informing the OM's wife (well played OP. Well played!!) now she's going to have to decide what to do while everything is blowing up all around her and she is going to have to make some quick decisions and most scary of all..........
> 
> ......wait for it.......................................
> 
> ......wait for it...........
> 
> *Other people might make some decisions for themselves that aren't in her better interests or according to her master plans. *
> 
> That's right. The OM may throw her under the bus and cut off her hot monkey sex and all of her kibbles and nuggets that stroke her ego and tell her how cute and great she is.
> 
> And the OP may toss her out of the house and file papers on her that cuts off half of her financial accounts and cuts her access to her children in half and she may be sleeping on her parent's couch until she can find an apartment and pack up her stuff.
> 
> This is all very disturbing and inconvenient to a selfish, entitled person that is all about ME ME ME.
> 
> Her confusion is trying to decide what tale to spin and what story to tell and what mess to clean up to make her look the best right now. Her indecision is what course of action will be best for her if other people are pulling the rug out from under her master plan.
> 
> She not confused about whether cheating was right or wrong. She just doesn't know what will make her come out of this smelling like a rose at the moment.


Well her master plan blew up because she is no where near being a master planner. More like going with what feels good right now. Very poor, immature and selfish choices. The fact that she thinks she can control her husband by telling him to be careful about not doing anything rash and to please not tell OM`s wife only should further infuriate OP. She is still making it all about her and OM!

The husband is involved just to control and manipulate this outcome to buy her and the OM time. Her husband and the kids are not even a concern to her. She is certain she can control that part. She is a real piece of shi...work indeed!

How can reconciliation happen with a cheater like this?

Not at this point for sure, maybe in the future, but probably never though.


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## *Deidre*

Bibi1031 said:


> Well her master plan blew up because she is no where near being a master planner. More like going with what feels good right now. Very poor, immature and selfish choices. The fact that she thinks she can control her husband by telling him to be careful about not doing anything rash and to please not tell OM`s wife only should further infuriate OP. She is still making it all about her and OM!
> 
> *The husband is involved just to control and manipulate this outcome to buy her and the OM time. Her husband and the kids are not even a concern to her. * She is certain she can control that part. She is a real piece of shi...work indeed!


This x 1000


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## oldshirt

*Deidre* said:


> I understand that, but if this woman was next door sleeping with the neighbor for months, there had to be a noticeable difference in how much time her and the OP were spending together. She was busy texting, on facebook, and actually sleeping with the guy. In other words, the marriage probably showed red flags for a while, but many time, people don't want to admit that their marriages aren't all that great. ''My wonderful wife of 10 years who I adore has been cheating on me.'' I mean, she's not wonderful. And what you adore, might be wishful thinking. That's all I'm saying, if people would get real with how their relationships have actually been for a while, they'd see that an affair as not being all that out of their spouse's character. I know people can fake the way they are, and live a double life, but this woman had to really be a great actress to pull off coming across like a great wife, AND also giving a LOT of time and sex to another man. I understand what you're saying, but nothing is ever as it seems, and often, when betrayed spouses look back over the past year or so leading up to when they find these things out, they can see there were red flags, but they didn't want to cause an argument, or whatever.
> 
> Not saying it's the BS fault, but it would be wise to just stop, and do nothing, and take it all in, instead of leaping to wanting to reconcile with the cheating spouse.





It's not necessarily true that an affair will show on any radar screens though. Affairs between married players are not like single people dating where there are candlelight dinners and moonlight walks on the beach and hours and hours of deep interpersonal discussions and soul-baring. 

Sometimes all it is a little flirtation and nod and wink and it is off to the races. 

Married cheaters are often just in it for a few kibbles of passion and excitement. The actual trysts can literally take place in minutes. 

A blow job and some fingering can place in 5 minutes in the back of a grocery store parking lot. A quick bang can take place standing up in the cleaning closet at the office. 

A neighbor can run over to the other's house for a few minutes while both spouses are out running errands. 

It really can go on for many months or even literally years before there is any time-stamp that seems out of place. 

All married cheaters need to do is establish that there is a mutual attraction and that the other party is game and then everything is open game. Since all their other needs are met at home, all they have to do is establish that they are each DTF and then it is anything goes. 

That can play out incrementally unnoticed over months or it can literally take place in a matter of minutes. The actual physical trysts can take place in as little as a few minutes anywhere. 

The BS should never be judged for not realizing an A is taking place. Yes sometimes it because as obvious as night and day, but most times the cheaters are able to pull it off right under everyone's noses for a long long time without any indications at all.

When a BS starts to smell a rat, the place is completely infested with rodents of all shapes and sizes and what they catch is always the very tip of the iceberg.


----------



## *Deidre*

oldshirt said:


> It's not necessarily true that an affair will show on any radar screens though. Affairs between married players are not like single people dating where there are candlelight dinners and moonlight walks on the beach and hours and hours of deep interpersonal discussions and soul-baring.
> 
> Sometimes all it is a little flirtation and nod and wink and it is off to the races.
> 
> Married cheaters are often just in it for a few kibbles of passion and excitement. The actual trysts can literally take place in minutes.
> 
> A blow job and some fingering can place in 5 minutes in the back of a grocery store parking lot. A quick bang can take place standing up in the cleaning closet at the office.
> 
> A neighbor can run over to the other's house for a few minutes while both spouses are out running errands.
> 
> It really can go on for many months or even literally years before there is any time-stamp that seems out of place.
> 
> All married cheaters need to do is establish that there is a mutual attraction and that the other party is game and then everything is open game. Since all their other needs are met at home, all they have to do is establish that they are each DTF and then it is anything goes.
> 
> That can play out incrementally unnoticed over months or it can literally take place in a matter of minutes. The actual physical trysts can take place in as little as a few minutes anywhere.
> 
> The BS should never be judged for not realizing an A is taking place. Yes sometimes it because as obvious as night and day, but most times the cheaters are able to pull it off right under everyone's noses for a long long time without any indications at all.
> 
> When a BS starts to smell a rat, the place is completely infested with rodents of all shapes and sizes and what they catch is always the very tip of the iceberg.


Yes, I understand what you're saying. And agree.

I'm not judging the BS, ever. I always put full blame on cheaters for their choices. I'm just saying, that if he looks back, he might see some red flags. Even in LTR's, we can overlook red flags because we have hope that things will get better. I never fault BS for having hope.


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## harrybrown

I do hope you see an attorney soon, and that she will stay at her parents house.

Remember she is your enemy and is trying to hurt you. and she is doing quite well in hurting you.

Do not have her stay at the house. Have her leave. She will have the OM back in your house and around your kids.

Keep him away from your daughter.

So keep her busy, while she stays away. Have her write her timeline and diary of the affair.

How many times did she have him in your bed? that is a real slap in the face. contempt , and complete disrespect and spitting and shooting bullets at you.

And keep your kids away from the OM. 

How many times did she give him anal sex and swallow? 

take care of your finances and keep her away from you. She has proved that she is your enemy.

Believe her.


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## hifromme67

jda79 said:


> Thanks.
> 
> 
> 
> I have everything. Even took pictures of the messages on her phone.
> 
> 
> 
> I will let the other wife know tomorrow and show her everything.
> 
> 
> 
> You mentioned friends and family, should I let my family know now or wait?




Don't tell your family or hers. You aren't children blabbing on eachother. If you do, you will regret it in the longrun. Your family and friends will hate her. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58

*Deidre* said:


> Yes, I understand what you're saying. And agree.
> 
> I'm not judging the BS, ever. I always put full blame on cheaters for their choices. I'm just saying, that if he looks back, he might see some red flags. Even in LTR's, we can overlook red flags because we have hope that things will get better. I never fault BS for having hope.


I agree, but it all comes down to "hindsight is 20/20".
I had tons of red flags. But I didn't see the. Because what she was doing was out of my realm of what I thought was possible. MY wife cheat? Noooooooo, she's never do that. She's a Sunday school teacher and "good" person.
She said she was on Facebook all the time. I caught her masrurbating in the bedroom once--while I was home. I had no idea she was doing it via FaceTime or **** pics and sexting with another man. Never crossed my mind. Nor did the sudden shaving every day vs once evweek or so in the past. I did get concerned about the 4:39 am workouts, but chalked it up to a lifetime of insecurity about her weight. I was proud of her for being so self disciplined. 

Just saying, there's a way to look at a person's actions differently when you love them. What's obvious later is possibly thought highly of pre d-day.
I also liked the fact she was shaving more and having an insatiable sexual appetite.
I never chalked that up to cheating...,.
I thought she was just getting in her late thirties hormone rush.


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## Tatsuhiko

hifromme67 said:


> Don't tell your family or hers. You aren't children blabbing on eachother. If you do, you will regret it in the longrun. Your family and friends will hate her.


OP, ignore this bad advice from someone who couldn't be bothered to read the thread. Exposure is one of the most important tools in getting yourself out if infidelity and preventing her from pushing a false narrative where you're the bad guy instead of her.


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## Decorum

Be sure to confirm with her parents that they got the full story.

Tell them you feel destroyed inside, and need time to process this.

Op many wayward spouses say that their remorse started setting in when they saw the hurt in their partners eyes.

It's not good to show weakness, but let your eyes show the hurt sometimes as well as the anger.

Women often communicate and respond on several levels that men can take for granted.

Think of it as the difference between your sense of smell and that of your favorite canine.

Whether you divorce or reconcile her increasing remorse will be best for everyone involved.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

I really wish you well.
Take care.


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## Tatsuhiko

jda79, your story reminds me of @JayOwen's story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/355306-here-goes-nothing-sorry-very-long.html

His wife was having an affair with the next-door neighbor. It took his wife a while to come around, but he appears to be on the road to reconciliation. It's worth a read when you have a chance.


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## Jessica38

Evinrude58 said:


> Jessica38 said:
> 
> 
> 
> After YOU do a full exposure, Wife needs send a No Contact letter to OM. And your family needs to move. Wife needs to change all contact info so she cannot be reached by OM.
> 
> Get into marital coaching.
> 
> Wife will be grieving her affair. This will be painful to watch. One text from OM will rekindle the entire thing and the process will start over.
> 
> You two will need to commit to full transparency about where/when/what she is doing in her day at all times. You will need to commit to at least 15 hours/week time together one on one.
> 
> 
> 
> But Jessica, she doesn't want to reconcile!
Click to expand...

These are the conditions she must agree to OR she can pack her bags and move out today. There is no in between.

As for the OP, you can take your time to see how willingly she adheres to these conditions and how remorseful she is and decide if you want/are able to reconcile.

In no way am I saying the OP should reconcile. That's his choice. He has every right to file for D.


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## sokillme

Tatsuhiko said:


> jda79, your story reminds me of @JayOwen's story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/355306-here-goes-nothing-sorry-very-long.html
> 
> His wife was having an affair with the next-door neighbor. It took his wife a while to come around, but he appears to be on the road to reconciliation. It's worth a read when you have a chance.


His wife hasn't even apologized yet, and you are pointing him to a lifetime of settling. That thread is a terribly sad one by the way, the poster doesn't seem happy to me. 

Almost all WS have very serious emotional problems. No one should be trying to have long term relationships with them unless they are actively working to fix themselves. This women doesn't want to R at this point and is not even close to working on herself. I am really not sure the point of all you guys cheering on R. You are just pointing this man to a place of misery. Seems to be more about the posters then the situation on this thread.


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## mickybill

JDA discovered the PA and blew it up in like a day. I think all are in the survival "OH ****!!!" mode.

JDA first reaction: Maybe we can work this out.
Mrs JDA first reaction: I wasn't happy, don;t know if I want to be married. To justify her cheating to herself.
OM first reaction: Supportive of WW, "you should try to work it out" will throw her under the bus later today.
OMW first reaction: Don't know that yet, but I think she'll blow it up real good.

All of these positions will change and many will be 180 degrees from the first reaction.


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## The Middleman

jld said:


> I think her saying she is not sure she wants to be married is sincere and heartfelt. She is just trying to be honest with you, OP.


If this is the case, he should drop her sorry ass now.


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## TaDor

podiumboy said:


> Damn, COLD BLOODED! Wow, this just makes me feel like such a beta male. I love sex, but I could never treat somebody this way!
> 
> I think if I found out my WW did something with the OM that she wouldn't do with me (anal, for example), that'd probably be it for me. Probably nothing she could do to make up for that, in my mind. She wouldn't even be worth the time I had to waste going through the divorce process with her.
> 
> OP, your concern is not the OM in this situation. Just expose it to his wife, and he will be dealt with properly. Your concern is your STBX wife, and doing what you can to get out of that marriage as soon as possible.


And that is the SHORT / cut-off version of the story... it gets worse. There is a post here with the complete story.


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## TaDor

jda79 said:


> All of this information has been excellent and I have taken a lot of it to heart.
> 
> Update:
> 
> She and our daughter left the house. I sent a message to the OM's wife that we needed to talk. Long story short...We just blew this up. She knows everything and will be confronting him. I even told her about the past affairs.
> 
> My wife called me to say that she talk to her parents. The only thing she would tell me is they want us to make it work. I told her whatever. She said not to do anything rash like pack up and leave.
> 
> I'm at the angry stage now. I'm f******* furious now. I am leaving to get STD tested at a nearby lab and then headed to my parents to tell them everything. The hard part believe it our not will be telling my aunt. My aunt and wife are close just I am close with her (she is practically my godmother). s*** is going down.
> 
> Another thing to note, he is 13 freaking years older than her.


What did she tell her parents? That you both are going through a rough patch or that she has been cheatings? How will you confirm? Maybe seen her mom a text about what happened... as if YOU expected her to tell them that she has been cheating?

As someone else has posted (and listen to Gus) - controlled exposure... you did the OM's wife - good. Parents = good, but unknown if she told her parents... you may want to know if they know. If you both go for (R) then no need to tell kids. If going for (D) - then tell kids. Try to get her out of the home / court order if going for (D).
Telling your aunt is good, she will chew out your wife.

Good luck on the STD test.

Heads up... you are very early stage. You need to locate an IC to talk to (therapist).


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## TAMAT

jda79,

About the OM also find out who his parents, grandparents, siblings, coworkers, linkedin, facebook, place of worship are and send a mass email. Don't warn or threaten just do it like a tsunami. 

About the other affairs the OM has had, be sure to inform the Husbands of the OW, perhaps they can beat the heck out of OM for you. 

Also get the name of a local polygraph operator to give to the other BHs.

Tamat


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## *Deidre*

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree, but it all comes down to "hindsight is 20/20".
> I had tons of red flags. But I didn't see the. Because what she was doing was out of my realm of what I thought was possible. MY wife cheat? Noooooooo, she's never do that. She's a Sunday school teacher and "good" person.
> She said she was on Facebook all the time. I caught her masrurbating in the bedroom once--while I was home. I had no idea she was doing it via FaceTime or **** pics and sexting with another man. Never crossed my mind. Nor did the sudden shaving every day vs once evweek or so in the past. I did get concerned about the 4:39 am workouts, but chalked it up to a lifetime of insecurity about her weight. I was proud of her for being so self disciplined.
> 
> Just saying, there's a way to look at a person's actions differently when you love them. What's obvious later is possibly thought highly of pre d-day.
> I also liked the fact she was shaving more and having an insatiable sexual appetite.
> I never chalked that up to cheating...,.
> I thought she was just getting in her late thirties hormone rush.


That's so sad, I'm sorry that happened to you. 

Yea, I've actually read that a tell tale sign of cheating is when the cheating partner in the relationship, starts to make visible changes to how they look, dress, start losing weight, going to the gym, etc. You hate to be suspicious over everything, but I guess there is truth to it.


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## harrybrown

After filing for D, one place that helped me was some of the folks at affair recovery.com.

give a read of some their materials.

hope you find some peace after you finish your D.


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## TaDor

A helpful video for ALL people... no matter who you are.


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## hifromme67

Tatsuhiko said:


> OP, ignore this bad advice from someone who couldn't be bothered to read the thread. Exposure is one of the most important tools in getting yourself out if infidelity and preventing her from pushing a false narrative where you're the bad guy instead of her.




So what happens when OP is all lovey dovey again with her and wants to include her in family get-togethers but nobody can stand her? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## *Deidre*

hifromme67 said:


> So what happens when OP is all lovey dovey again with her and wants to include her in family get-togethers but nobody can stand her?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I have come to understand the idea of ''exposing'' differently after reading some stories on here, now. It should be what the person is comfortable with. I don't think you need to broadcast on facebook that your spouse is cheating on you, to me, that seems like revenge. But, if/when asked as to why you're getting a divorce, I wouldn't hide the truth and I'd say ''x was cheating on me with the neighbor.''


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## The Middleman

hifromme67 said:


> So what happens when OP is all lovey dovey again with her and wants to include her in family get-togethers but nobody can stand her?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That uncomfortableness and the contempt of others is the price she needs to pay for what she did. Reconciliation, if the OP chooses that road, can't come cheap for her.


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## Evinrude58

I agree about the exposure if he reconciles or thinks he might want to. He shouldn't in this case. He should move on. She needs to own this. I'd tell both families. 
She will surely put spin on it.

Op should NOT have to be a victim of any more of her lies.


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## TaDor

*Deidre* said:


> That always strikes me as ''I'm not sure if I can make it on my own, and since you pay the bills and I have a good lifestyle, not sure I want to give that up just yet. If I could have my marriage AND my lover, I probably would stay, no question. But, since I have to make a choice...hmmm, I'm so confused.''
> 
> Funny, she was only confused when she got caught.
> 
> Not sure why, but it seems like many people treat us women like we're children. We don't know what we're doing, we're confused, we need help, we are unable to make good decisions, etc etc. Meanwhile, if a woman were posting this, you wouldn't see the same responses towards the wayward husband. The OP's wife is an adult, and she knows _*exactly*_ what she's doing. She CHOSE to have an affair. She CHOSE to betray her husband. No one accidentally falls into bed several times with another man. While she might need help, she is still an adult and needs to totally own what she did.


Yes, there are many men who also get the affair fog. But we are going by general situations based on experience and what has been provided by expert data. "Not just friends".

1 - More women than men, become emotionally attached to their AP.
2 - More men than women, are just in it for the sex.
3 - The AP in this thread has a history of cheating, he's a user. A player.
4 - When men cheat, they will attempt to stay in the marriage, twice as much as women.
5 - When women cheat, they will more likely leave the marriage than recover - about twice as much as men.
6 - While in the fog, man or woman - they are on a chemical high from the affairs. They do not see the reality of their actions.
7 - Affairs tend to hurt women more than men (emotional vs. just sex)
8 - A reason to tell the OM's wife about the affair is that its the #1 way to get him to go away. He'll run to his wife and beg for forgiveness. Showing the WW that all she was to her AP was a penis warmer.
9 - The people who are cheating (Men and women) are selfish, only thinking about themselves. They are hurting more than their SO, they are hurting their children.

Yes, she chose to have sex with another man. Why? Affairs happen to more than half of all marriages. 80% of cheating is not caught (likely ONS, very short-term affairs).
When there are cracks in a marriage - no matter WHO IT IS.. every ONE OF US, has the capacity to cheat. Most don't plan too. And when they do, their brain has to find ways to justify their actions. "She doesn't put out enough" "he doesn't hug me enough" whatever.

So what type of affair is important. An Exit affair = no chance of saving. Just sex = easier to fix unless it's a full blown narcissist. Most of us know how work-place affairs happen... most are by accident, but some are planned... some its sexual harassment. 


If both the OP and his wife want to repair the damage, its up to them. If only one of them wants to save the marriage - then its toast.
If the OP wants to save the M, he will eventually need to ask his W what she wants. "If you don't want to try and save our marriage - then its time for you to go."

OP should go with his kids to the beach, etc. His wife should stay with her parents and sort out her crap. She shouldn't go. It'll give her a taste what its like to co-parent, not be with her kids. If he does this, he should also not give her much in a way of details other than "we had fun".

Of course, for the next few weeks, his emotions are going to be all over the place. Love her, hate her, stay, go, reconcile, divorce, my options, date other women, stay with a cheater, etc... and all of that can happen in 30 minutes.


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## Chaparral

You and your wife knew he had affairs before and his wife did not?


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## Tatsuhiko

hifromme67 said:


> So what happens when OP is all lovey dovey again with her and wants to include her in family get-togethers but nobody can stand her?


You encourage them to forgive her, explaining why you have. If they cannot, you divide your time between them and her, and her involvement in family events is limited.


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## curious234

check with your kids. As a soulless as she is, in preparation for any outcome, she may be already planting seeds of hate against you in your kids. Who the hell she is to advise you not to leave home or anything. if it come to that ask her to leave as she so balantantly broke the vows


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## commonsenseisn't

JDA79, sorry about your marriage. You would be wise to consider the advise here. We've BTDT. There's much for you to learn and I'll add my two bits ... be forewarned that because the other man's wife is informed it's likely the affair will be disrupted somewhat and your wife will enter a stage where she will be in a fog of indecision and grief of losing her affair utopia. If you are too connected to her you will be in for a grievous ride on the crazy train. It's a sort of limbo hell. 

I suggest you take action to insulate yourself from limbo by learning and following the 180. You would also be wise to get some personal counseling from a good therapist that will focus on healing you instead of the marriage. Finally, get yourself a good lawyer like yesterday and follow his advise on how to protect yourself, children and assets. Do this even if you don't plan on divorcing her. 

I can tell you that most of us desire to reconcile at first, but then we slowly realize the spouse we loved just doesn't exist any more and then we move toward divorce.


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## arsukherajee

jda79 said:


> So I just checked my wife's FB messages and found out that my wife has been cheating on me with a neighbor. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids and I love her dearly. They have been texting for about 5 months and I think having sex for a couple of months. I read all of the messages and they were heartbreaking...talking about sex and stuff. She mentions in her texts she doesn't have love for me talked about divorcing me for him. When I confronted her about it, she was in shock I found out. I didn't lash out but told her how heartbroken I am. I asked her about when she was going to ask me for a divorce and she said she didn't know, she said it "comes and goes". I asked her if she would now pursue a divorce and she said she didn't know, "I'm in shock". I said if she wants to try and make it work, she has to break it off with him immediately. She said OK. AFter the confrontation, I check her FB message again and she told the other guy that I knew everything and asked I don't ruin his family. It seems my wife is his 3rd affair. I mentioned that I don't know what to do but have lots of thinking to do.
> 
> We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now..




Dear


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## arsukherajee

But before some decisions you must got sold evidence 


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## drifting on

hifromme67 said:


> So what happens when OP is all lovey dovey again with her and wants to include her in family get-togethers but nobody can stand her?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




In my wife's case that means she goes to my sister and begs for forgiveness. My sister hasn't really spoken to my wife that much, sis is civil with her but no longer seeks her out to converse. My wife is fully understanding of my sisters reaction to her. Not only did my wife have to prove to myself she has earned reconciliation, but she will need to prove to my sister that she will never hurt her brother in that way again. My wife needs to be the sister in law my sister knows she can be, prove that she will move mountains for the marriage, prove that she is fully remorseful. 

OP needs to understand that exposing is not what causes pain, it's the choices of the two who cheat that cause pain. Had they chosen better OP's wife wouldn't be in this predicament she now finds herself in. All of the bombing and destruction caused by cheating and deception have a consequence. Sometimes exposure is good, in this case very good, but every cheating spouse should know that the lies can be unraveled, the affair brought to light, and that they will soon pay the piper. OP exposing his wife's affair to the OMW and his parents is light, he didn't go full scorched earth as he could have. Cheating has consequences, pure and simple.


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## Malaise

hifromme67 said:


> So what happens when OP is all lovey dovey again with her and wants to include her in family get-togethers but nobody can stand her?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


She made her bed...


----------



## syhoybenden

TAMAT said:


> jda79,
> 
> 
> 
> About the other affairs the OM has had, be sure to inform the Husbands of the OW, perhaps they can beat the heck out of OM for you.
> 
> Also get the name of a local polygraph operator to give to the other BHs.
> 
> Tamat



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Trying to wage war on two separate fronts is what defeated the Nazis.


----------



## jsmart

Good job on exposing OM to his BW. Now he will throw your ww under the bus in a scramble to save skin. That will rock your WW. OM has been future faking your WW and she was eating it up. 

Everything that she's believed deeply with all her heart is about to come crumbling down. Do not doubt that she has been trying to come up with a way to dump you with no one knowing she was committing adultery. Then a few months down the road make it seem that she coincidentally ended up with OM. 

Of course this POS was not going to bust up his marriage and family and basically abandon his own kids, so he can end up with an adulterous divorcee with another man's kids. But don't be fooled, if he were willing, your wife would have dumped you without giving it a thought.

Your wife said she told her parents. You better talk to them to reveal how deep the betrayal was. I wouldn't be surprised if she told them a tale of being pushed into OM's arms to have a non-sexual PA due to lack of affection or you being controlling or abusive. 

It is way to soon to consider R without getting the facts of how deep this betrayal was. With the OM being very local, it is very likely there were a lot of deal breakers that happened. For instance it is almost certain that they did it on each other's marital beds. With your wife being much younger than him, he must have been hitting that OFTEN. He also most likely pushed the sexual envelop to get her to perform EVERY sexual act. Another deal breaker is her having sex with you knowing she's still carrying OM's semen or kissing you right after giving OM a BJ. While not common, there have been some woman that despise there BH so much that she takes a joy in humiliating him such a fashion. 

So you can't offer R without knowing what you're forgiving.


----------



## Evinrude58

If he has already had affairs, you can be pretty sure that her rainbow fantasyland with her OM won't last. 

But, I would try to be rid of her at nearly all costs. This woman is not a wife, she is only good for what the OM is going to do to her/-- pump and dump. This is the life she has chosen. She will be pumped and dumped for many years to come. What she is will likely be obvious to every man she meets. Men in her age group are not idiots.


----------



## TaDor

commonsenseisn't said:


> JDA79, sorry about your marriage. You would be wise to consider the advise here. We've BTDT. There's much for you to learn and I'll add my two bits ... be forewarned that because the other man's wife is informed it's likely the affair will be disrupted somewhat and your wife will enter a stage where she will be in a fog of indecision and grief of losing her affair utopia. If you are too connected to her you will be in for a grievous ride on the crazy train. It's a sort of limbo hell.
> 
> I suggest you take action to insulate yourself from limbo by learning and following the 180.


Also, by exposure - you are taking your wife's toy away - so she will be VERY pissed off at you. Oh well.


----------



## Malaise

jsmart said:


> Good job on exposing OM to his BW. Now he will throw your ww under the bus in a scramble to save skin. That will rock your WW. OM has been future faking your WW and she was eating it up.
> 
> Everything that she's believed deeply with all her heart is about to come crumbling down. Do not doubt that she has been trying to come up with a way to dump you with no one knowing she was committing adultery. Then a few months down the road make it seem that she coincidentally ended up with OM.
> 
> Of course this POS was not going to bust up his marriage and family and basically abandon his own kids, so he can end up with an adulterous divorcee with another man's kids. But don't be fooled, if he were willing, your wife would have dumped you without giving it a thought.
> 
> *Your wife said she told her parents. You better talk to them to reveal how deep the betrayal was. I wouldn't be surprised if she told them a tale of being pushed into OM's arms to have a non-sexual PA due to lack of affection or you being controlling or abusive.
> 
> *It is way to soon to consider R without getting the facts of how deep this betrayal was. With the OM being very local, it is very likely there were a lot of deal breakers that happened. For instance it is almost certain that they did it on each other's marital beds. With your wife being much younger than him, he must have been hitting that OFTEN. He also most likely pushed the sexual envelop to get her to perform EVERY sexual act. Another deal breaker is her having sex with you knowing she's still carrying OM's semen or kissing you right after giving OM a BJ. While not common, there have been some woman that despise there BH so much that she takes a joy in humiliating him such a fashion.
> 
> So you can't offer R without knowing what you're forgiving.



Yep


----------



## notmyrealname4

@jda79

I don't believe in reconciliation for about 99.99% of physical infidelity. The one bond that is supposed to be completely exclusive between married people; is destroyed.

Only expose to people in your inner circle--close family and friends--- no need to lower your dignity by exposing the dirty laundry far and wide.

I'm glad you got the STD tests. This is the clincher for me. This affair partner of her has had at least 3 affairs. The audacity of your wife to potentially expose your body to danger through disease.

You must be retested again in 6 months. Were you also tested for hepatitis?

So sorry you are dealing with this. I only commented to give one more "vote" or perspective.

As a child, my mother was cheated on by my stepfather. All I can say is; don't stay together for the kids. They will absorb the atmosphere of mistrust and betrayal that will always be in your life if you "reconcile".


----------



## RWB

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree, but it all comes down to "hindsight is 20/20".
> I had tons of red flags. But I didn't see the. Because what she was doing was out of my realm of what I thought was possible. MY wife cheat? Noooooooo, she's never do that. She's a Sunday school teacher and "good" person.
> She said she was on Facebook all the time. I caught her masrurbating in the bedroom once--while I was home. I had no idea she was doing it via FaceTime or **** pics and sexting with another man. Never crossed my mind. Nor did the sudden shaving every day vs once evweek or so in the past. I did get concerned about the 4:39 am workouts, but chalked it up to a lifetime of insecurity about her weight. I was proud of her for being so self disciplined.
> 
> Just saying, there's a way to look at a person's actions differently when you love them. What's obvious later is possibly thought highly of pre d-day.
> I also liked the fact she was shaving more and having an insatiable sexual appetite.
> I never chalked that up to cheating...,.
> I thought she was just getting in her late thirties hormone rush.


Damn, Evin...

I had to do a double take... did I post this? It was like word for word even the Sunday School teacher. However, I did suspect and even did the "soft confront". But, could never believe she would be cheating. Yeah Right.


----------



## Thundarr

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree about the exposure if he reconciles or thinks he might want to. He shouldn't in this case. He should move on. She needs to own this. I'd tell both families.
> She will surely put spin on it.
> 
> Op should NOT have to be a victim of any more of her lies.


jda79, as Evinrude is alluding to to, exposing the affair is a powerful tool to snap her into confronting the wrongness of what she's doing. Not only does it make the ongoing affair very difficult but it also puts a spotlight on both affair partners to their family and friends who they would have otherwise spun lies to.

I personally like to separate exposure and it's ramifications from the motivation behind exposing. If you want to reconcile then exposure is a no-brainer because it literally does take away your wife's and the other man's ability to spin the wrong they are doing by re-writing history. I mean they both do know what they're doing is wrong but they will try to spin it in their own minds as being okay.

Even if you do not want to reconcile with her ever but you wish that she had handled this differently then exposure is the tool to make her realize that she should have done things much differently. The down side of exposure is if you do not want to reconcile then it makes things more difficult because once you blow up her fantasy for what it is then she will be clinging on to you trying to reconcile.


----------



## Marc878

Just a side note. This guy is a cheater so you don't know where he's been.

Don't take a chance. Get some STD tests ran.


----------



## SunCMars

sokillme said:


> On here there are quite a few apologist for this guys *WIFE*
> 
> Female cheaters will always have white knights.


Female cheaters will always have White Knights, white stained Tights.

Inevitably, the White Nights lose faith. They get tight lipped after the cheater-bug furthermore bites 'their' good deeds over and above a sane man's confines.

Later, these female folded cheaters can only bag and bed Dark Knights, who have one aim.....a weasel launched [small-headlong] into her evermore sticky Tights. 

Female cheaters via Kismet offshoot, are forced to lower their standards. And by natural repercussion of her past [base character], shall she force her bar so high, no beast, so towering, so crass, be barred from entry into those [same old] sticky tights.

In simple words, once the word gets out that OP's WS is loose, lightly bound....no good man shall she find.


----------



## BetrayedDad

jda79 said:


> It seems my wife is his 3rd affair.


That's no coincidence friend. It was part of the "bad boy" allure. See your wife was SEEKING out an affair and needed a safe choice. 

So whom better to select than a "seasoned vet"? A fellow POS. Someone she KNEW had a track record of keeping secrets from their spouse.

He was just a tool friend. She just wanted anyone BUT you to bang her. She perpetrated the whole thing and threw herself at this chump. 

Just THINK about the lengths she went through to THROW your relationship in the trash. My POS wife did the SAME EXACT THING AS YOURS.

Including the, "I don't know if I still want to be married." line. It's cheater script. She has checked out. She has no respect for you. She does not love you. 

Accept these points as FACT. Any attempt from her to salvage this, is her fearing to be alone. Nothing more. You are comfortable but she will NEVER really WANT you.

Don't let her USE you, like she USED OM'S penis. That's not an exaggeration by the way. Don't be plan B. Take back your SELF RESPECT and dump her SWIFTY and DECISIVELY.


----------



## eric1

It's so refreshing jumping in late to one of these threads and find an OP was has the self-respect to expose quickly. He is so much better off than most of the other folks who post here who wiggle waffle on doing what is, frankly, necessary.


----------



## hifromme67

eric1 said:


> It's so refreshing jumping in late to one of these threads and find an OP was has the self-respect to expose quickly. He is so much better off than most of the other folks who post here who wiggle waffle on doing what is, frankly, necessary.




Did he expose already? I lost track of thread.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## eric1

Yup.


----------



## GusPolinski

How are you, @jda79?


----------



## hifromme67

eric1 said:


> Yup.




I will have to read everything


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## BetrayedDad

eric1 said:


> It's so refreshing jumping in late to one of these threads and find an OP was has the self-respect to expose quickly. He is so much better off than most of the other folks who post here who wiggle waffle on doing what is, frankly, necessary.


Exposure is simply not enough. You don't want a spouse in her mental state back. She is unequivocally remorseless because she is completely checked out of the marriage. 

Any other move, besides having a remorseless spouse served divorced papers, is perceived by the cheater as tolerance of their behavior and affirmation of his weakness.


----------



## jda79

Update:

It is now D-Day +4. I am down right sick still, and this still consumes my constant thoughts.

So Sunday, she spoke to my aunt for about 3 hours. Afterwards, my wife and I talked for about 45 minutes about the situation. She apologized and I think she meant it. She knows how devastated I am. We saw a marriage counselor on Monday. We liked her and we think she can help us. 

Tonight, I plan on asking her the gory details as to how many times, etc etc. I just can't keep wondering about these things and need to move on. I don't want to have to keep wondering and then ask her months down the road (if we are still together).

I plan on seeing the attorney tomorrow for the consultation.

I am also having a 1 on 1 session with my new counselor tomorrow.

I have not gotten the STD results back yet, I should get those later today.

I am also now spying on her and she knows I have no trust in her anymore. I have a video camera called the Logi Cirlce I got at Best Buy for the house. I also have a VAR that is in her car. She went on a field trip 1 hour away with our son today. Parents are not allowed to ride the bus so she drove separately. So if things are still going on with the OM, I may very well find out today given she is in the perfect opportunity to talk to him.

I found out that she had another facebook account. He had used it Saturday morning to talk to her. I have been checking it regularly ever since but no messages.

I do want us to stay together. We both have major issues to work on, obviously her more than me. Hopefully MC will net results. 

If I so much as get a hint of the 2 of them are still talking, I will draw up the papers and serve her.


----------



## farsidejunky

Did she tell you about the other Facebook account, or did you discover it?


----------



## Lostinthought61

jda79....if they made love in your martial bed i would get rid of the bed and tell her she buying a new one. 

So question have you been speaking with the OM wife? I hope you did not tell your wife your going to stay with her....she shoudl work to save the marriage.


----------



## Yeswecan

Did you expose the OM to his W?


----------



## ButtPunch

Lostinthought61 said:


> jda79....if they made love in your martial bed i would get rid of the bed and tell her she buying a new one.
> 
> So question have you been speaking with the OM wife? I hope you did not tell your wife your going to stay with her....she should work to save the marriage.


This!

You need not make it easy for her. She must fight to save this marriage or you are doomed anyway.

I wouldn't agree to marriage counseling so soon.

Tell me you have informed OM's wife. Do not let your WW know you are going to do this.

You need to be employing the 180 with your wife to help with emotional detachment so you can think clearly.

She needs to think you are going to divorce her for a while.


----------



## GusPolinski

farsidejunky said:


> Did she tell you about the other Facebook account, or did you discover it?


 @jda79, when did she open the account?

Is she aware that you've found it and are able to access it? (Actually I guess FSJ kind of asked the same question.)

You're looking through cell records as well, right?

You might want to start looking for a burner phone as well.


----------



## GusPolinski

Yeswecan said:


> Did you expose the OM to his W?


Yes.


----------



## jda79

No, the facebook account she has had. From what I can tell, she created it to look at someone who had blocked her. I do not believe she knows that I know about the account.

She says she didn't violate our bed, but did the guest bedroom, which is where she is now sleeping.


----------



## BetrayedDad

jda79 said:


> It is now D-Day +4. I am down right sick still, and this still consumes my constant thoughts.


Understandable, short of murder, she has committed the WORST possible atrocity a spouse could do to another spouse.



jda79 said:


> I am also now spying on her and she knows I have no trust in her anymore.


And you will NEVER be able to trust her 100% again. You call that a relationship? I call it PRISON. 



jda79 said:


> I found out that she had another facebook account.


Wonder how many other secret accounts or apps does she have? It's IMPOSSIBLE for you catch them all.



jda79 said:


> Tonight, I plan on asking her the gory details as to how many times, etc etc. I just can't keep wondering about these things and need to move on.


Whatever the number of times she gives you, multiple it by 10 and accept that it was porn star sex including all the acts she REFUSES to do for you.



jda79 said:


> She says she didn't violate our bed, but did the guest bedroom, which is where she is now sleeping.


Brought a man into YOUR CASTLE to fvck him. How emasculating.



jda79 said:


> I have not gotten the STD results back yet, I should get those later today.


And may have infected you with an STD in the process.



jda79 said:


> I do want us to stay together.


You're codependent. AT LEAST do not decide ANYTHING now. WAIT 30 DAYS so you can PROCESS THIS.



jda79 said:


> If I so much as get a hint of the 2 of them are still talking, I will draw up the papers and serve her.


If you didn't serve her for fvcking a dude in your house then please. Who are we kidding.... I want to believe you but I don't.


----------



## GusPolinski

How close does OM live to you?

Any word on whether his BW has opted for reconciliation or divorce?


----------



## Bibi1031

jda79 said:


> I do not believe she knows that I know about the account.
> 
> She says she didn't violate our bed, but did the guest bedroom, which is where she is now sleeping.


Even if she did do it in your bed, she will deny it. No biggie, you just wash the muck off. If you can/could make love to her after being with OM and she bathed, linens are no different. The mind movies are what destroys your safe haven. Sadly, No soap and water can wash that away.

It's you choice of course because it is after all your life and your journey whether you want to try fixing this huge crack in your marriage or not or for how long. 

For just being 4+ days after D-day, you are doing quite well. It will be a long haul to achieve some semblance of normal though. So be patient with yourself and the whirlwind of emotions you will go through. This **** is hard. Probably one of the hardest things you will go through. 

I disagree with the poster that suggested MC was too soon. If your marriage is going to make it, it won't matter when you start MC. Glad you are doing IC. That is something your WS needs for herself as well. I understand why the poster told you that it was too soon for MC, but like the bed thing, it not all that important. You going into this with you eyes wide open is what counts. 

Glad you are going to see a lawyer. Weigh all your options and probably file. You don't have to divorce, but the real threat of your marriage ending by filing will send your WS a very clear message that she needs to understand in no uncertain terms.


----------



## Taxman

Jda
I read on another infidelity site, that a member took the entire marriage bed, that she had cheated on, pulled it into their front yard for all the neighbors to see, and set it on fire. He told anyone who asked, the truth about what happened on the bed and his reasons for disposing of it in such a public manner. Thus in the space of an afternoon, every single neighbor knew what she had done. Seriously messed with her head, and dropped her out of the fog rapidly. It also resulted in most of her female neighbors keeping their husbands away from her.


----------



## Bibi1031

Taxman said:


> Jda
> I read on another infidelity site, that a member took the entire marriage bed, that she had cheated on, pulled it into their front yard for all the neighbors to see, and set it on fire. He told anyone who asked, the truth about what happened on the bed and his reasons for disposing of it in such a public manner. Thus in the space of an afternoon, every single neighbor knew what she had done. Seriously messed with her head, and dropped her out of the fog rapidly. It also resulted in most of her female neighbors keeping their husbands away from her.


Well, he kept her and banged her. I'm sure he didn't have to burn her too right? Apparently soap and water worked for him with her. Exposing an affair needs to be done in a way that doesn't look like revenge. The burning bed doesn't fit well with exposing for the right reasons IMO.


----------



## Evinrude58

Do not try to reconcile. IT will ruin more years of your life.

Ignore anything and everything she says. It's all lies. Has been for God knows how long. Think about it. She's been lying for countless months to you. Why would lying now be a problem?

If she wants to work on the marriage, it is for ONE reason only: because you have wrecked her affair by telling OM's wife and she no longer has him in her mind as a primary paycheck/home.
She doesn't want to booger up her nest with you quite as badly now.

She is not in love with you, she hasn't been ever since the OM thing started. It's not like she's going to suddenly fall in love again with you. Are you really thinking that's possible? I haven't seen it happen. It may be, but it's highly unlikely.

What your are thinking and feeling now as others have told you, is NOT how you will think and feel a year from now.

I have one piece of advice for you: Serve her with divorce papers and really MEAN to divorce her. After what she has done, if she's not willing to move mountains to get YOU back in this marriage, send her down the road. YOU CANNOT NICE HER BACK!!!!!!!!!!

If for some miracle of nature she wants you back and tries desperately to WIN you back, perhaps you can foolishly give her that chance. But what you have now is just a cheating wife with no love for anyone but herself and her security.

Every move you make due to your emotions at this time is exactly the WRONG thing to do if you ever want to have a marriage with a woman that loves you again.

You should not be a man that accepts his wife is a disloyal **** who brings neighbors into your house to f them. You know this. Logically, you know this is too much to accept. Don't accept it just because you fear divorce and fear having to look for another woman. ENJOY looking for another woman that doesn't cause you constant agony like this one will.

END THIS. Your wife has screwed up your marriage.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

The problem with MC, at this point, is that it's a crapshoot about what type of counselor you'll end up getting. You might spend hours discussing the things you did "that led to her affair"--how you neglected her, or forgot to put the toilet seat down. Then you'll (rightfully) walk away in disgust, and nothing will have been accomplished. 

No, you don't need this kind of discussion at this point. She needs IC to determine what it is that caused her to behave inappropriately, even if her marriage was bad. Step 2 is for her and the IC to figure out how rebuild your trust and to make sure it will never happen again.


----------



## Bibi1031

Evinrude58 said:


> Do not try to reconcile. IT will ruin more years of your life.
> 
> Ignore anything and everything she says. It's all lies. Has been for God knows how long. Think about it. She's been lying for countless months to you. Why would lying now be a problem?
> 
> If she wants to work on the marriage, it is for ONE reason only: because you have wrecked her affair by telling OM's wife and she no longer has him in her mind as a primary paycheck/home.
> She doesn't want to booger up her nest with you quite as badly now.
> 
> She is not in love with you, she hasn't been ever since the OM thing started. It's not like she's going to suddenly fall in love again with you. Are you really thinking that's possible? I haven't seen it happen. It may be, but it's highly unlikely.
> 
> *What your are thinking and feeling now as others have told you, is NOT how you will think and feel a year from now.*
> 
> I have one piece of advice for you: Serve her with divorce papers and really MEAN to divorce her. After what she has done, if she's not willing to move mountains to get YOU back in this marriage, send her down the road. YOU CANNOT NICE HER BACK!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> If for some miracle of nature she wants you back and tries desperately to WIN you back, perhaps you can foolishly give her that chance. But what you have now is just a cheating wife with no love for anyone but herself and her security.
> 
> Every move you make due to your emotions at this time is exactly the WRONG thing to do if you ever want to have a marriage with a woman that loves you again.
> 
> You should not be a man that accepts his wife is a disloyal **** who brings neighbors into your house to f them. You know this. Logically, you know this is too much to accept. Don't accept it just because you fear divorce and fear having to look for another woman. ENJOY looking for another woman that doesn't cause you constant agony like this one will.
> 
> END THIS. Your wife has screwed up your marriage.




Great post! 

OP, please file this in your mind, especially the bold part. Right now you are in repair mode and want to fix this mess that you didn't break. Your feelings will change when you realize your efforts have been in vain (more than likely, as miracles are not possible with this situation, and nothing short of a miracle will make your WS change her feelings towards you and the marriage she destroyed). Most of us have been in those shoes and reacted the exact same way because we are natural born fixers. She is taking advantage of this, but you won't always be this way. Please file even if you want to reconcile. It will help you whether your marriage survives or not. 

Sadly, most of us need to go through this in order to finally let go of our ridiculous fixers nature. It's part of growing up a more mature, better, and stronger pair!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

jda79 said:


> Update:
> 
> It is now D-Day +4. I am down right sick still, and this still consumes my constant thoughts.
> 
> So Sunday, she spoke to my aunt for about 3 hours. Afterwards, my wife and I talked for about 45 minutes about the situation. She apologized and I think she meant it. She knows how devastated I am. We saw a marriage counselor on Monday. We liked her and we think she can help us.
> 
> Tonight, I plan on asking her the gory details as to how many times, etc etc. I just can't keep wondering about these things and need to move on. I don't want to have to keep wondering and then ask her months down the road (if we are still together).
> 
> I plan on seeing the attorney tomorrow for the consultation.
> 
> I am also having a 1 on 1 session with my new counselor tomorrow.
> 
> I have not gotten the STD results back yet, I should get those later today.
> 
> I am also now spying on her and she knows I have no trust in her anymore. I have a video camera called the Logi Cirlce I got at Best Buy for the house. I also have a VAR that is in her car. She went on a field trip 1 hour away with our son today. Parents are not allowed to ride the bus so she drove separately. So if things are still going on with the OM, I may very well find out today given she is in the perfect opportunity to talk to him.
> 
> I found out that she had another facebook account. He had used it Saturday morning to talk to her. I have been checking it regularly ever since but no messages.
> 
> I do want us to stay together. We both have major issues to work on, obviously her more than me. Hopefully MC will net results.
> 
> If I so much as get a hint of the 2 of them are still talking, I will draw up the papers and serve her.


So is she giving up all this info or are you having to be sneaky and dig? I see she didnt give up her other FB account, not good. If you are going to make a serious go of this, she needs to be 100% transparent. You need ALL passwords to ALL accounts, GPS on her phone and car... everything should be voluntary by her. 

A close friend of mine cheated on her husband and he kicked her out. She was going through the motions like they were trying to reconcile, while seeing yet ANOTHER man the entire time, knowing she didnt want to be with her husband. Your WW needs to be all in and completely open, and YOU need to not trust a damn thing she says right now.


----------



## Cynthia

3Xnocharm said:


> So is she giving up all this info or are you having to be sneaky and dig? I see she didnt give up her other FB account, not good. If you are going to make a serious go of this, she needs to be 100% transparent. You need ALL passwords to ALL accounts, GPS on her phone and car... everything should be voluntary by her.


Agreed, but I wouldn't tell her that you know she has another account. Ask her to reveal all Facebook accounts she has ever had, all e-mail accounts she has ever had, any dating site accounts she's ever had, etc. If she doesn't reveal the Facebook account you found, then you know she's not 100% in.


----------



## Evinrude58

But he already knows she's not "100% in"---see quote of OP's WIFE below. She plainly told him she didn't know if she wanted to be married anymore. OP should take this as "I don't want to be married anymore". Because that's what she means. Anybody can see that.

Give her what she wants. Eventually she's going to do the same thing she did with the neighbor---- take what she wants.

I'm suggesting that OP divorce her now while she hasn't gotten her exit plan completed. While she still has a little guilt. He might get a fair divorce agreement now. If he waits for her to get her ducks in a row on leaving, he's going to get screwed.

JMO

FROM OP:

So I just checked my wife's FB messages and found out that my wife has been cheating on me with a neighbor. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids and I love her dearly. They have been texting for about 5 months and I think having sex for a couple of months. I read all of the messages and they were heartbreaking...talking about sex and stuff. *She mentions in her texts she doesn't have love for me talked about divorcing me for him. *When I confronted her about it, she was in shock I found out. I didn't lash out but told her how heartbroken I am. I asked her about when she was going to ask me for a divorce and she said she didn't know, she said it "comes and goes". I asked her if she would now pursue a divorce and she said she didn't know, "I'm in shock". I said if she wants to try and make it work, she has to break it off with him immediately. She said OK. AFter the confrontation, I check her FB message again and she told the other guy that I knew everything *and asked I don't ruin his family.* It seems my wife is his 3rd affair. I mentioned that I don't know what to do but have lots of thinking to do. 

We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now..

It's ironic she asks that YOU not ruin his family, even though SHE has been committing adultery with him all this time. I think she and the OM have done a darned good job of ruining the family on their own. OP did the "family" a service by telling them.


----------



## Ursula

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry man.
> 
> If the neighbor is married, expose the affair to his wife.
> 
> Oh, and back up all of your evidence.


This times 1000! I'm so sorry that you're going through this.


----------



## Popcorn2015

jda79 said:


> The OM says if I want to work it out, she should try.


Translation: OM is going to stick with his wife.





jda79 said:


> She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."


Translation: She still hopes OM will choose her over his wife.


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## harrybrown

have her write you a timeline of the A.

not you asking questions.

Then she gets to have the polygraph over the timeline. Has she stopped all contact?

has she had the std test?


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## CantBelieveThis

jda79 said:


> I do want us to stay together.


Don't be so sure just yet, wait till you have all the truth and details and in a couple months the anger will really set in and you will go back n forth between staying or ending it...it sucks brother, listen to the people here, take anything your wife says with a grain of salt.
I hate to tell you but if you decide to R is going be 2 to 3 years easily of misery, and that's assuming your W does everything right to help prove herself.
My W had affair 4 years ago and I decided to R, it's been tough and I really don't know what to advice really, is your decision., just know all the facts before you choose. 
I am the type that had to have all the gory details, and the main reason was to make sure she had to expose to the light every disturbing detail, if she wanted a chance no way in hell I was going to leave any detail in the shade of their secrecy between them.....everything has to come out , sort of like ripping out every cancer cell....but that's just me.

This is disturbing, cheating seems rampant these days, wtf is wrong w people???


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## theDrifter

CantBelieveThis said:


> This is disturbing, cheating seems rampant these days, _*wtf is wrong w people*_???


 There have always been narcissistic, self-entitled people who felt it was their right to have an affair for any number of reasons, but today it seems as though all of society encourages it. Like we "deserve" to be happy and to not accept anything less than ideal in anything - including relationships. 

Happiness isn't a "right" - it's pursuit of happiness that the Constitution talks about. To me, divorcing a cheating spouse is part of this pursuit...


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## abart

jda79 said:


> she doesn't have love for me talked about divorcing me for him.


If she says she doesn't love you she doesn’t love you. This affair with the neighbour might stop but it’s going to be someone else next time. Tell her you are siding towards a divorce, if she has any bit of affection towards you and want to make it work she will do everything needs be done. Don’t go into false reconciliation it will only waste your time. 
By the way think about what you will be going through if you decide to reconcile. Give it a long think.


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## Cynthia

Evinrude58 said:


> But he already knows she's not "100% in"---see quote of OP's WIFE below. She plainly told him she didn't know if she wanted to be married anymore. OP should take this as "I don't want to be married anymore". Because that's what she means. Anybody can see that.


You're right. I agree.

She seems to want to hang on to have a safe place to explore her options. I would strongly distrust her in every aspect of life. She is a danger to your well-being, because she appears to be using you while she does whatever she wants in the dark.

In fact, I'd be closely monitoring finances. She may be hiding money and preparing for divorce.


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## JohnA

You said she created a second facebook account because someone blocked her other account. Who was the person who blocked them and why? How did OM know to contact her on this account ?


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## Dazedconfuzed

CantBelieveThis said:


> This is disturbing, cheating seems rampant these days, wtf is wrong w people???


Cheating has been rampant since the dawn of mankind. Human sexuality and mating behavior hasn't changed much over the millennia - it's not a 'these days' sort of thing. 

Years ago, I read an account of daily life in a medieval village in France, and the flagrant infidelity/extramarital sex that went on was mind-boggling, even by today's standards.

It's kind of like violence. Many feel like we are living in particularly violent and unsafe times. Historically speaking, that isn't at all true.


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## Graywolf2

jda79 said:


> She mentions in her texts she doesn't have love for me talked about divorcing me for him. I asked her about when she was going to ask me for a divorce and she said she didn't know, she said it "comes and goes". I asked her if she would now pursue a divorce and she said she didn't know.





jda79 said:


> "I'm in shock". I said if she wants to try and make it work, he has to break it off with him immediately. She said OK.





jda79 said:


> I check her FB message again and she told the other guy that I knew everything and asked I don't ruin his family.


The idea of her divorcing you for the OM was pure fantasy. Neither of them wanted the other in a long term relationship. Telling herself that she was about to divorce you made her affair less of a betrayal and less bad because the marriage was already over.

Now that you have found out the marriage is even in worse shape. Ask her why having her affair discovered made her change her mind about being married to you. The answer is that her affair was great as long as it was free. She had you AND the OM. Now she might wind up with no man at all.



jda79 said:


> So Sunday, she spoke to my aunt for about 3 hours. Afterwards, my wife and I talked for about 45 minutes about the situation. She apologized and I think she meant it.


I bet she did mean it. The affair was free and fun until you found out. Now she doesn’t want to pay the price of not having the stability and security you provide. Think or her as your teenage daughter seeing a boy you told her not to. She hates daddy and sneaks out of her bedroom window to see the hot bad boy. 

Now daddy might kick her out of the house and the hot bad boy has no place for her to live. She suddenly loves daddy and is very sorry.



jda79 said:


> I found out that she had another facebook account. He had used it Saturday morning to talk to her. I have been checking it regularly ever since but no messages.


NEVER let her know that you know about this account.


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## CantBelieveThis

Graywolf2 said:


> NEVER let her know that you know about this account.


This big huge lesson learnt for me. Never ever reveal your sources of Intel. Ever...make sh1t up if u have to but never tell them the truth....they will just use it to get around breaking NC 

Sent from my SM-G925V using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

I hope you aren't making the mistake of begging and pleading for her. Doing the "pick me dance" will just make you look weak and pathetic. It also pushes them farther away.

It'll take more than you wanting this to work.

It's a 2-5 year process with no guarantees and at this time she doesn't seem willing plus she'd have to carry the heavier load.

If you're weak you lose.


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## Marc878

jda79 said:


> Update:
> 
> It is now D-Day +4. I am down right sick still, and this still consumes my constant thoughts.
> 
> So Sunday, she spoke to my aunt for about 3 hours. Afterwards, my wife and I talked for about 45 minutes about the situation. *She apologized and I think she meant it.* She knows how devastated I am. We saw a marriage counselor on Monday. We liked her and we think she can help us.
> 
> Sorry for getting caught doesn't mean much. Don't let an MC blame you for her affair. You own 50% of the marriage. Your wife isn't perfect but did you have an affair on her?
> 
> Tonight, I plan on asking her the gory details as to how many times, etc etc. I just can't keep wondering about these things and need to move on. I don't want to have to keep wondering and then ask her months down the road (if we are still together).
> 
> If you can't get the truth R isn't possible
> 
> I plan on seeing the attorney tomorrow for the consultation.
> 
> Keep this just in case plus it says you mean business and aren't weak
> 
> I am also having a 1 on 1 session with my new counselor tomorrow.
> 
> I have not gotten the STD results back yet, I should get those later today.
> 
> Did she take any? If not and you do R it needs done.
> 
> I am also now spying on her and she knows I have no trust in her anymore. I have a video camera called the Logi Cirlce I got at Best Buy for the house. I also have a VAR that is in her car. She went on a field trip 1 hour away with our son today. Parents are not allowed to ride the bus so she drove separately. So if things are still going on with the OM, I may very well find out today given she is in the perfect opportunity to talk to him.
> 
> All cheating is lying, hiding and denying. You can't trust anything from her at this time. Smart move
> 
> I found out that she had another facebook account. He had used it Saturday morning to talk to her. I have been checking it regularly ever since but no messages.
> 
> *I do want us to stay together.* We both have major issues to work on, obviously her more than me. Hopefully MC will net results.
> 
> Understandable but don't let that keep you from doing what you need. Better think long term. Infidelity in a marriage never goes away. If you R you'll be accepting this fact.
> 
> If I so much as get a hint of the 2 of them are still talking, I will draw up the papers and serve her.


R takes two whole hearted. One can't do it. Better understand this upfront.


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## Marc878

jda79 said:


> No, the facebook account she has had. From what I can tell, she created it to look at someone who had blocked her. I do not believe she knows that I know about the account.
> 
> *She says she didn't violate our bed, but did the guest bedroom, which is where she is now sleeping.*


Cheaters lie a lot and I'd bet this is one. Other man was a player. Don't be shocked when you find out.

At this time you only know the "tip of the iceberg".

Sorry man


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## 3Xnocharm

@jda79, how are things going?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

JDA, dump her like a hot potato and follow 180. Women respect only strength sir.


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## sokillme

After reading on these boards for a long time I think you should have an accurate idea of what you are dealing with. You will never get the marriage you had with her before this back. At best this will be a new marriage and the affair will always there in the background. You will never get over this if you stay with this women you will just have to learn to live with it. Her presence will be a constant reminder for a long time. 

Go here and read the these peoples posts. This is probably the most accurate picture of what reconciliation is like. Many of these people have been on there for years. Understand that lots of these people and their spouses have been working for years and are still in deep pain. 

There is a very good possibly that your wife has some very deep seeded emotional problem or possible mental illness. She will need to work very hard to fix this but first she has to acknowledge it. It won't work if she doesn't. She may never be able to completely fix it so you may have to learn how to live with it to a certain extent. 

Right now you are making decisions partly out of great trauma which is understandable, it is probably better to make them after you separate from your wife and detach. Because of what has happened to you you are not in your right mind at this moment. Again this is why it is best to wait. Also unfortunately she may also be making decisions out of guilt and fear as well. Remember in her own words this started as an exit affair. If it's true that she doesn't love you as she said, after the drama of this situation dies down she will probably return to her ****ty ways. Many BS have this happen. I tell you this because at least now you are the one in control of the situation. If she decides to blind side you with divorce or cheat again you may not be the next time. This is a risk you should think about. 

Your wife has done a horrible act, something that many people in this world could not do even to their worst enemy. In my mind that makes her a lower class of person. I don't mean status wise, I mean morality wise. Meaning she doesn't have the kind of shame and guilt that the rest of us do. This makes her emotionally dangerous and in my mind more susceptible to doing despicable acts. Make sure you understand that you are choosing to spend the rest of your life with someone who showed you the father of her children a complete and total lack of respect. She very well may be a narcissist. It's better for children to have two homes if one is safe and stable, then one where the stable parent spends all their emotional life consumed with the other who is destructive. If your wife truly is a narcissist or has some other form of mental illness such as borderline personality disorder, at lest if you leave and marry someone else they can see a healthy marriage modeled for them. Remember this is a woman was also capable of lying directly to your face for a long time. 

On more question will you be happy about that 5, 10, 15 years from now. So many BS emotionally recover and realize what a terrible deal they took by staying. I tell you this because there is something you will learn is more valuable then even love in this world, TIME. You can fall in love again, there are many people you can fall in love with with. You will never get back the time you invest in this person. I suggest you think long and hard and make sure you are not operating out of fear. Or out of a love for a person who is now dead. 

It is natural to want to save your family and wife. But your wife as you knew her is not coming back. The person you are committing to is a very different person now then the one you married. That is not going to change. 30 years from now she will still be the person who ****ed her neighbor in the guest room. Who stabbed you in the back for some tawdry sex. Better to come to terms with that and accept it then wait 30 years thinking the women you married is going to return. I know you want desperately for everything to just go back to the way it was, but it won't. Don't make decisions thinking it will because you will end up disappointed. 

I know this is harsh, but it needs to be said. You are accepting a terrible deal. You deserve much better in life. There is much better out there. Look you are going to have to go through the pain no matter what. You may think if you stay together this will make the pain go away faster, but for most it may actually prolong it. So the choice really is -- Go through the pain and end up with the person who caused it. Or go through the pain and end up with the possibility of someone new and a fresh start, without all the garbage, monitoring, fear, triggers, sexual problems and all the rest of it that goes with trying to live your life who did something like this to another human being. You don't have to give up the dream of a faithful partner. But only if you give up this women.


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## Edmund

3Xnocharm said:


> @jda79, how are things going?


In the first message, jda79 said:

"We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now."

That may be where they (at least jda79 & kids) are now; so my guess you are not getting any further updates because they are not at home.


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## NoChoice

OP,
If you are still checking this board I offer this for contemplation. In order for any R to be successful the WS must transform into a different person. They must "see" and fully understand what they have done and how it has damaged the marriage. Failing this R is not possible because they are the same person and therefore prone to the same behavior. Unless you see definitive, conclusive evidence that she has had this epiphany then R is not an option.

There are a couple of scenarios that can unfold if you decide to R. If she actually has the ability to see and understand, which is highly unlikely, then she will, of her own volition, be deeply remorseful, contrite and willing to do whatever it takes to heal your pain and to solidify the marriage. She will place more importance on you/the marriage/the family than on herself. This scenario requires a level of maturity that she does not seem to possess.

The other possibility is that, in her limited way, she does desire to stay but does not have a full understanding of what she has done to you/the marriage. She may be willing to "change" but in so doing she will not fully realize why she is changing and therefore will not apply it across the board. She will require, as does any child, to be told what is acceptable and what is not since she hasn't the ability to determine that on her own. In this instance you will become a quasi-parent to her, directing her in her path.

She will need to be told, no doubt repeatedly, what "choice" to make when faced with situations that could compromise the marriage. They refer to them as boundaries or limits but what they truly are are rules instituted to modify her behavior. This is an arduous path that may very well be fraught with setbacks and "slip ups". In this scenario trust in her is practically non existent since her ability to disseminate and extrapolate data and make the "right" decision, under the myriad of circumstances that life presents, is beyond her. Carefully consider this and be sure you want to spend the remainder of your married life directing her actions.


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## aine

Taxman said:


> Jda
> I read on another infidelity site, that a member took the entire marriage bed, that she had cheated on, pulled it into their front yard for all the neighbors to see, and set it on fire. He told anyone who asked, the truth about what happened on the bed and his reasons for disposing of it in such a public manner. Thus in the space of an afternoon, every single neighbor knew what she had done. Seriously messed with her head, and dropped her out of the fog rapidly. It also resulted in most of her female neighbors keeping their husbands away from her.


Sounds a bit like the Scarlet Letter!


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## GusPolinski

Taxman said:


> Jda
> I read on another infidelity site, that a member took the entire marriage bed, that she had cheated on, pulled it into their front yard for all the neighbors to see, and set it on fire. He told anyone who asked, the truth about what happened on the bed and his reasons for disposing of it in such a public manner. Thus in the space of an afternoon, every single neighbor knew what she had done. Seriously messed with her head, and dropped her out of the fog rapidly. It also resulted in most of her female neighbors keeping their husbands away from her.


Probably also went a long way in terms of ensuring that, in the case of a divorce, she wouldn't want to stay in the house.


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## jlg07

@jda79, how are things going -- from the reading of this, I'd have VERY serious doubts about her being remorseful and really doing the work required to Reconcile here. Also YOU should have very serious doubts about this -- think about how you really want to live YOUR life (not her at all) -- can you put up with the fact that she did this and still live with her?


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## Edmund

Anyone know what happened to jda79?


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## Slartibartfast

Delete


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## ConanHub

She probably offed him and served him up at a neighborhood BBQ.

What a useless loser. Giving everything up to be a slvt for a worthless player.

She is simply another worthless $H!+ for brains skank.


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## leon2100

Call the wife. Tell her what is going on between your wife and her husband AND you will be filing a law suit against her husband for Alienation of affection. Tell her that your objective is to make public what her husband has done and whether you win or lose a monetary settlement, the legal fees will insurmountable. Your State may or may not allow such suit... but it will get public attention.

Money can not only affect his big head but also his small head.


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## TaDor

ConanHub said:


> She probably offed him and served him up at a neighborhood BBQ.
> 
> What a useless loser. Giving everything up to be a slvt for a worthless player.
> 
> She is simply another worthless $H!+ for brains skank.


Pretty much a zombie thread, ConanHub.

Yeah my wayward is doing the same thing... and going after me with false accusations. Hopefully, my evidence will prove her to be a liar and such.
She could be facing jail time too.


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## Sports Fan

I have jumped onto this thread late but i would like to commend you on your swift and decisive actions. If only more betrayed spouses were like you. Your story should be used here as an example on how to monitor, confront, and expose properly.

Gus, and Tador, have given you great advice. Keep up the good work. Im sorry you are going through this. It really sucks we have all been there. Stay Strong brother.


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## David51

I like to think of myself as a tolerant person. One of my biggest faults is not being able to see the bad in the people I love. This as you have described it, for me, would be impossible to ignore and the Email (if from my wife) where she says she feels no love. I do not believe I could ever look at her and feel safe. When I say safe I mean give her my heart and trust she wouldn’t break it again. If I were in your shoes I could not ever trust her with that much power.

That being said you have children to consider, is your wife a good Mom and parent? 
If no then kick her out but if she is and if it were me...... I am not a vindictive person and would never drag my childrens Mother thru the mud in an effort get some satisfaction. If no children then different story. 

Sit her down and work out a separation agreement and child support agreement that you and she can live with. You will need to hire a lawyer and sue the neighbor for turning your life and that of your children upside down....give him a good old fashion screwing in his bank account




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