# Am I the only one?



## Ignore-Me

So I never ever thought I would be doing this, but here I am. 

Been married almost 22 years and have 3 amazing kiddos, 20, 18 and 14. Hubby is amazing will do anything I ask (groceries, vacuuming key word being ASK) except pay attention, communicate or be interest in me. 

It's so hard to feel alone in marriage. I keep trying to get him to talk to me, show emotion, just be here with me. I feel like he checked out of our marriage about 10 years ago. 

When I just can't take the loneliness anymore and it blows up he says all the right things and does all the right things for a short time and then back to the same old same old just as quick.

He's either sleeping, on the computer, or watching tv. I'm so sad I feel sick all the time.

We have talked about seeing a professional, he even said he would go by himself (never happened). It's so hard when he shows more passion watching sports then he does with me. I do love him but I don't know how much more I can take being alone, 

I wonder am I just staying for the kids. I think the worst was when he didn't even acknowledge our 20th Anniversary. 

He doesn't even have a really emotional connection with our kids. Just really struggling.

Thanks for listening.


----------



## Lila

You are not the only one. The land of divorced people is littered with people who left their partners due to emotional disconnect. 

You said that your spouse has been checked out for 10 years. Did something happen to make him check out? Do you think he's waiting for he's waiting until your youngest turns 18 to divorce?


----------



## Betrayedone

Time to insist on change....whatever method that means to you. Be aware, the outcome may not be what you hope for but it sounds like you are at the point of having to force the issue. You have come to the right place.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

So he said he'd go to counseling, but then he didn't.

So you need to make the appointment (couples counseling if you prefer). Make it at a time when you know he can be free. Once it's on the books, you're committed. Both of you. Tell him the appointment is made and if he has any intention of remaining with you, the first step is to get his ass in the car with you and go. 

You make him follow through on his promise and see where it goes from there.


----------



## Talk2Me

Coming from someone that was in your shoes it isn't going to change. My ex-wife was the exact same. She became lazy and only wanted to watch TV. We went years without going on a date or anything. I tried and tried. I tried every possible way to change and to get her to change. Everything from doing all the house chores, bills, cleaning, laundry, cooking etc etc. I tried not being home at all..... I tried complimenting her and buying her flowers. I tried talking to her. I went to marriage counseling ALONE because she wouldn't go. I became miserable and couldn't deal with it any longer so I moved out. Almost immediately after I found someone else and I've been much happier since. We got divorced obviously which was difficult but at least I'm now with someone that wants me around.


----------



## Lila

OP, do you not use the possibility of repartnering (i.e. searching for greener pastures) as an excuse to divorce. You may or may not meet your next happily ever after. There are no guarantees especially the older we get. If you choose to leave your marriage make sure it's because you would rather be alone than married to your spouse.


----------



## BioFury

Ignore-Me said:


> So I never ever thought I would be doing this, but here I am. Been married almost 22 years and have 3 amazing kiddos, 20, 18 and 14. Hubby is amazing will do anything I ask (groceries, vacuuming key word being ASK) except pay attention, communicate or be interest in me. It's so hard to feel alone in marriage. I keep trying to get him to talk to me, show emotion, just be here with me. *I feel like he checked out of our marriage about 10 years ago*. When I just can't take the loneliness anymore and it blows up he says all the right things and does all the right things for a short time and then back to the same old same old just as quick. He's either sleeping, on the computer, or watching tv. I'm so sad I feel sick all the time. We have talked about seeing a professional, he even said he would go by himself (never happened). It's so hard when he shows more passion watching sports then he does with me. I do love him but I don't know how much more I can take being alone, I wonder am I just staying for the kids. I think the worst was when he didn't even acknowledge our 20th Anniversary. He doesn't even have a really emotional connection with our kids. Just really struggling. Thanks for listening


What happened ten years ago?


----------



## Diana7

Talk to him and make arrangements to spend time alone together on a regular basis. For example, once evening a week go out for a meal, or a walk and drink or whatever you like doing. Leave your phones at home. 
Your children are older now and can be left for a weekend if you go away together every couple of months, or even for a week. 
Take up a hobby together, maybe go to a dance class. Something that would be fun for you to do together. These things take effort and planning. 
As for the anniversary, many men are bad at remembering dates. My husband would forget his own birthday if I didn't remind him.


----------



## MaiChi

We lived a fast life, both working both unavailable for our two daughters due to tiredness, both taking work home. We were easily going towards where you are now, so we sat and discussed it. Eventually we got rid of certain things in the house.

The TV was the first to go. The last straw was when our daughter started speaking the TV language as if she was being raised by the TV
We introduced constructive things for her to do. The major part was talking to her parents. 

The second rule was that children go to bed at the same time before 8 pm, and both parents go to bed at the same time and before 11 pm.
We also eat together as a family
None of the parents touches a computer while the children are awake
Friday evening is family evening when we all must arrive home early and switch our phones off and focus on the family. We also prefer it is nobody visits us on Friday evening. 

All our friends know 
It has worked well for us since 2007. At work people spend a lot of time comparing notes on what fiction they saw on TV, when they do not discuss these things with their spouses or children. Some children have TVs in their bedrooms so they are always away from parents. 

Disconnection is the easiest thing to do but it comes at a cost to many families. 

We believe that governments use TV to control what citizens discuss and to avoid them discussing topics that actually matter to them, thus giving politicians freedom to mess up because nobody is discussing that aspect of their lives. People are busy imitating some people they call celebrities.


----------



## Ignore-Me

Thank you all for your kind advice. Just to be clear nothing major happened 10 ars ago that would have lead to the situation our marriage is in.

I was just trying to remember when I felt loved and secure in my marriage that was the best range I could come up with. I'm not going to say I'm not at fault either, I know I can not be the easiest person to live with. 

I have been a stay at home Mom for a lot of years and my kiddos are involved in a lot of sports, so sometimes I feel my home is my prison that I never get to leave, I'm on call if you will. We don't have holidays, my husband books his holidays at works and doesn't involve me even though I keep asking to. 

These all issue I have tried to talk to him about and he acts understanding but then his actions prove otherwise.

I just keep hoping that things will change and to be honest I have talk to him about separating but he keeps saying he doesn't want that. 

I'm just so scared to leave (I don't mean physical scared, more afraid to fail and alone ( ironically because I feel alone). 

But we have been together since high school.


----------



## BioFury

Ignore-Me said:


> Thank you all for your kind advice. Just to be clear nothing major happened 10 ars ago that would have lead to the situation our marriage is in. I was just trying to remember when I felt loved and secure in my marriage that was the best range I could come up with. I'm not going to say I'm not at fault either, I know I can not be the easiest person to live with. I have been a stay at home Mom for a lot of years and my kiddos are involved in a lot of sports, so sometimes I feel my home is my prison that I never get to leave, I'm on call if you will. We don't have holidays, my husband books his holidays at works and doesn't involve me even though I keep asking to. These all issue I have tried to talk to him about and he acts understanding but then his actions prove otherwise. I just keep hoping that things will change and to be honest I have talk to him about separating but he keeps saying he doesn't want that. I'm just so scared to leave (I don't mean physical scared, more afraid to fail and alone ( ironically because I feel alone). But we have been together since high school.


Alright, 10 years was just a reference point. But something *did* happen. This is after all, not what your relationship was like when you married.

If there were no singular tumultuous events, and you've just gradually drifted apart, then I would recommend you read the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" - both by the same author. They will help you get your marriage back on track. After reading them, sit down with your husband at a time when you have time to talk, and tell him that you're unhappy. Tell him you want your marriage to be better, to feel close to him again, and whatever else you want. Then ask your husband to read the books as well, at which point you can both put the wisdom contained in their pages to use.


----------



## Adelais

He will remain the same unless he gets his cage rattled. Threats won't work. His seeing that you changing, and getting on with your life might wake him up.

If he doesn't want to go to counselling, you will be wasting your time and money. Many years ago I requested for my husband to go to counseling with me. The only one who changed was me. He remained in his secret/indifferent world and I later learned what his secret was: porn use when I was out running errands.

Only when I was done (after he went on to have an affair) did he take his behavior seriously. He has done a lot of personal work since then, and is still working on himself, and is very desperate to make it up to me, but I don't feel the same way about him that I used to. Maybe it will come back, maybe not.

Sad, but this is usually the way it goes.


----------



## Prodigal

Ignore-Me said:


> I'm not going to say I'm not at fault either, I know I can not be the easiest person to live with. I have been a stay at home Mom for a lot of years and my kiddos are involved in a lot of sports, so sometimes I feel my home is my prison that I never get to leave, I'm on call if you will.


So you two have been together for a long time. Couples generally get lazy and take one another for granted after so many years. Life gets comfortable. The hot and horny feelings from early courtship and marriage have waned. Now it takes effort. You are busy with the kids. Your husband is busy earning a living. You're both tired. You both taking each other for granted. So what does this lead to? Oftentimes an affair. I am NOT saying that is the case in your circumstance, but it can happen. Both of you are going on different paths. It might suck, but marriage is HARD work. You need to step back from being carpool mom. Your husband needs to step back from being bread earner. Don't relinquish your roles, but modify them. 

You guys no longer consider one another a priority. 



Ignore-Me said:


> We don't have holidays, my husband books his holidays at works and doesn't involve me even though I keep asking to.


Could you please clarify this a bit? Are you saying your husband books vacations (as we call them in the U.S.) and goes away without consulting you??? 



Ignore-Me said:


> I just keep hoping that things will change and to be honest I have talk to him about separating but he keeps saying he doesn't want that. I'm just so scared to leave (I don't mean physical scared, more afraid to fail and alone ( ironically because I feel alone). But we have been together since high school.


Let's be honest here: things don't change because you wish it. Separating sounds like the easy way out at this point. He's basically "changing" for awhile after you complain. Why? Because he wants you out of his face and off his back. He's appeasing you. He has no wish to change. 

What will get him to change? Make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Tell him he WILL go. The thing is, you can't threaten separation. Sometimes, you need to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. But don't make idle threats.

What the hell does it mean that you are "afraid" to be alone???? You're alone now. He's a body occupying space. He's not meeting your emotional needs. I've been living alone for 10 years. I haven't died from being alone. In fact, given the fact I was married to an alcoholic who drank himself to death, I'm damn happy to be alone.

BTW, do you two have sex, or is that as dull, dry, and dead as the rest of your marriage?


----------



## red oak

Have you only talked to him about it, or have you taken action to make a change. 

By that I mean have you taken the risk of rejection to try, and attract his attention with attitude and actions?
Do you just mope and wait on him, or do you try to flirt with your husband?
May be worth a try.


----------



## Laurentium

You are certainly not the only one. 



Ignore-Me said:


> I keep trying to get him to talk to me, show emotion, just be here with me.


How do you try? Are you willing to change your approach to this?



> I feel like he checked out of our marriage about 10 years ago.


If he was asking a forum for help, what do you imagine he would say about the marriage?



> When I just can't take the loneliness anymore and it blows up


"it" blows up? You swing from accepting it to blowing things up?



> We have talked about seeing a professional, he even said he would go by himself (never happened).


A good marriage counsellor could help. There is no point in either of you going by yourself. That can even make things worse.


----------



## MattMatt

What happened 10 years ago?

Are you CERTAIN something happened 10 years ago, or is this an assumption on your part?

Is your husband on the Autism Spectrum? This can make communication very trying at times.


----------

