# Had a Revelation Last Night



## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

This relates to the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome and losing myself in my marriage and family, to the point where there's not much ME left in me. This is fairly lengthy, and I'm not really looking for advice. Just sharing my thoughts, mostly as a way for me to document my journey for myself.

I'm traveling on business. One of my peers picked-us up at the airport in his new sports car. Listening to him talk about the features of the car, the specs, the way it drives, etc., it was clear, this was his dream vehicle, and he was passionate about it.

Then, we spent the evening on the boat of another peer. The excitement he felt to share his joy in boating with us (I'm from a landlocked state) was nearly tangible. He was passionate about it.

Neither of these guys are supporting their passions by taking away from their kids. Both coach their kids in different sports, and the boater got the boat last year as a way to keep bonding with his kids as they get to high school age.

So, it got me thinking....if I had an extra $10k, $50k, $100k...whatever, and I HAD to spend it on me (couldn't save it, spend it on the kids, or pay down existing obligations), what would I spend it on? I was stumped. I couldn't really come up with anything. Maybe some travel, but even that didn't seem right. And, even when I think about my lottery fantasies over the years, the thoughts were about sharing with siblings and the kids (building a hockey rink for my son, so he could play whenever he wanted, for example).

I think it comes down to two things....First, I've lost myself. I have no personal passion anymore. There's nothing that I really love doing, other than watching the kids do their things. Second, I don't think I give myself permission to please myself. I don't feel worthy to spend the money on me. 

OK, so I feel like I've identified a problem. I feel like it's Curly's point in City Slickers. I need to find my one thing.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

papa5280 said:


> First, I've lost myself. I have no personal passion anymore. There's nothing that I really love doing, other than watching the kids do their things. Second, I don't think I give myself permission to please myself. I don't feel worthy to spend the money on me.


Have you done the breaking free activities in No More Mr. Nice Guy? 

I don't generally like self-help exercises, but these were helpful to me.

One thing to try this week - set aside a couple of hours and make yourself do something for you. Go test drive sports cars, go to a batting cage, go parachuting, museum, play tennis, hike......etc.

Julie Cameron wrote a great book called The Artists Way - more about living well than being an artist. She calls these adventures "artist dates" and encourages you to do them weekly.

Awareness is the first step. Action is the second.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

papa5280 said:


> OK, so I feel like I've identified a problem. I feel like it's Curly's point in City Slickers. I need to find my one thing.


Don't be surprised when there are 2 of them.


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## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

Good post, papa. I agree with you. You need to carve out time to be yourself. For me, it's golf. Hitting stuff is a good stress reliever too. I'll leave in a stressed mood, and I'll come back all excited and relaxed. It's awesome!

The thing is too, you need to remember your wife and give her time to do the same. I'm betting she doesn't do that for herself either. My wife doesn't really. So I need to do a better job of being aware of that.

Nice job, though! That is a breakthrough. Passion is the key to life.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Passions are so deeply important in our lives. They can change as time passes by. At one time I was very passionate about being a husband and father and these were the things that motivated me the most. But then our sons left home and for a number of years I was lost as to what to do over the weekends when we’d normally have been out canoeing, walking together or some such things.

It’s the same with work and career. I was always passionate about work, ambitious and wanting to do a good job. But then we retire and as such we have to find new outlets for our creativity and energy and new things to be passionate about. Currently my passions are photography and selling photo-art on canvas and growing vegetables and fruit trees.

Life changes all around us as time goes by. Our world changes and it’s our passions that keep our world colourful and not monochromatic. It’s our passions that keep us interesting and on the learning curve and as such keep us young minded, happy, contented and spirited. 


You will find yourself in your passions and others will know you through your passions.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Wow

This post just hit a chord with me

I am hesitant to spend any money on a fun thing for me. Most of my spending centers around Home depot and stuff like that for the house. My wife spends (not lavishly at all) money on clothes and shoes for her and my 13 yo daughter. 

I have been thinking about an iPad for myself for quite some time now but can't justify it in my mind especially when I get the bills in at the end of the month and I see $100 there for clothes, $40 there for shoes and $55 there for some other clothes. It adds up!

We do talk about "did you really need those other three tops?" and sometimes it clicks and then it's back to the same old....find some more receipts or a bag with something new in it "But hubby, it was ONLY $15!".....Yeah, but $15 times x = Real dollars

Know what? Have a few extra scheckles recently so I think I'm gonna say screw the missus and the kids. I'm going to do for ME and look into getting the iPad! Hopefully my conscience won't stop me once again!


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> Have you done the breaking free activities in No More Mr. Nice Guy?
> 
> I don't generally like self-help exercises, but these were helpful to me.
> 
> ...


Haven't done the exercises yet. Still on my first time through the book. I'm going to go back through and do the exercises next. I really like the idea of making a date with myself to do something fun. I'll check out The Artist's Way, too. Thanks for the ideas.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

Crazy8 said:


> The thing is too, you need to remember your wife and give her time to do the same. I'm betting she doesn't do that for herself either. My wife doesn't really. So I need to do a better job of being aware of that.


Too late on this one for me. My STBXW walked-away 8 months ago. That relationship is almost certainly over. I'm going to work on me now. Maybe she'll see changes in me and will like them. If so, maybe we can start trying again. But, either way, that's not what I'm working toward now. I'm working to build the rest of my life. If that happens to include her, that would be a plus. But, I seriously doubt that it will happen.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i'm right there with ya papa. all my time is spent working and with kids sports. i barely have time to do stuff around the house anymore. i literally dont have any fun anymore. miserable


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## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

papa5280 said:


> Too late on this one for me. My STBXW walked-away 8 months ago. That relationship is almost certainly over. I'm going to work on me now. Maybe she'll see changes in me and will like them. If so, maybe we can start trying again. But, either way, that's not what I'm working toward now. I'm working to build the rest of my life. If that happens to include her, that would be a plus. But, I seriously doubt that it will happen.


Well, that makes it easy then. 

Work on you. Don't worry about if she likes the changes. Because then it's not for you, right? 

And if you want to be with her, then try to be with her. Sit down with her and ask her what you did wrong, and that you'd like to work on it. That'll make her think for sure. 

But that's also for you, because that's what you want. See how that works?


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

It's an absolute must for you to put yourself first sometimes and figure out what you love and enjoy, and focus on that. And as the man in the marriage, your happiness will trickle down, so it'll be a win for all.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

papa, there is an excellent support forum over at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin .


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

Thor said:


> papa, there is an excellent support forum over at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin .


Thanks, Thor. I've been subscribed over there for about a week (same username), but I haven't been very active yet. Some folks there are trying to revive a local, live support group. I know that would be very helpful for me, so I hope it happens.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

papa5280 said:


> This relates to the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome and losing myself in my marriage and family, to the point where there's not much ME left in me. This is fairly lengthy, and I'm not really looking for advice. Just sharing my thoughts, mostly as a way for me to document my journey for myself.
> 
> I'm traveling on business. One of my peers picked-us up at the airport in his new sports car. Listening to him talk about the features of the car, the specs, the way it drives, etc., it was clear, this was his dream vehicle, and he was passionate about it.
> 
> ...


Want something to pass on to your children after you check out?
If you can afford it, see if you find some land away from civilization where you can spend some time with the family. A camper or even a small cabin will suffice for quarters and you can bring anything you need with you when you go to enjoy the SILENCE.
I had this in my previous life, but had to surrender it to get back to solvency after the judge helped my ex wife clean me out. Used to take the kids there before the three of us split when I found out none of us were related other than to the cheater.


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