# [How] Should I get out?



## camel74 (Aug 15, 2011)

hi all,

Thanks in advance for any advice - and for reading this.

I have been with one woman for nearly 14 years, married for 12.

We have a very dysfunctional marriage - i haven't had sex [with anyone] for over 3 years...i don't find her attractive. [all the cliches re: finding your virginity after marriage come to mind]

I tried leaving her a few months back - but the sheer guilt that piled on, coupled with claims that the move had worsened her father's illness - made it impossible.

The sex issues awakened me to my unhappiness.

I was trying to stick it out despite the lack of sex, but there are other factors that disappointed me about her...

For many years, she ignored my very existence in her life - i was just like a 'comfortable sofa'.

I know that tomorrow I could wake up and be 45 in a loveless, sexless marriage. That fills me with dread.

I often fantasize about other women.

What and how do we resolve this? i don't want to leave her high-and-dry but what options do i have??

There is no violence/abuse [as yet]


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Whos choice is it to not have sex? What led to this?

What have you done to meet her needs, and what have you asked her to do to meet yours?

Have you tried counseling?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ypu can only feel guilty if you let yourself feel guilty. You're not responsible for anyone else's happiness. So make your decision, and just follow through on it.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## camel74 (Aug 15, 2011)

there was a time when she would simply ignore me - or have headaches, etc...next thing i know it had been a year+.

now I don't WANT to have sex with her...have actually started thinking of her as unattractive. now, she tries and i ignore her.....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hmm... I kinda went through that, just before I left my marriage. Before last summer, my wife had self-esteem/body issues, as she'd been putting on weight over the years. Don't we all?  But even though I might prefer if she lost a few pounds, I had no issues with finding her attractive still. 

Then last summer, I went through a period of analysis and turmoil, and ended up confronting her with wanting to end the marriage in November. In that period, I went through a grieving process for my marriage, and losing my attraction for her. The last time we had sex was at the end of September, and even though I think she might have been willing after that, even up to the point that I left in February, I had no desire for her anymore.

FWIW, I felt (and still feel) significant guilt over leaving my marriage. This week would have been our 19th anniversary. I had left once about 5 years in, and we ended up getting back together in less than a week, but never really dealt with the issues that caused me to leave. Eventually, those same feelings and issues came back to the surface, and this time I decided that I needed to do something more concrete about it.

Some other similarities... Feeling like the "comfortable sofa"... I did some thinking recently about the loss of my self-esteem in my marriage, and how that came about. Part of it was sexual rejection. But part of it was also that I truly can't remember the last time she said "God, you look great!". I'm seeing someone now, and it's been a real struggle to not deflect any compliments that she gives me. You know, laughing at her and saying that she needs to get her eyes checked or something. But I've been working at accepting her at her word, and simply saying "Thank you!". It's not as easy at I thought. 

Overall, it seems really wrong, but the last 6 months (since I've moved out) has been a real turn-around for me. The guilt comes and goes, but my friends have noticed that I'm much happier now than they can remember me being in the last 3 years.

Anyway, good luck with what you decide. And remember that you're not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Also remember that leaving when you're not angry with each other might be more painful/guilt inducing, but it's probably much less tramatic than if you left after years of fighting and arguing. I still like my wife as a person, and wish her all the best. But I could really see that things were moving towards the negative. And especially with kids involved, that would be a much different situation.

C


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## TiredBob (Feb 9, 2011)

Oh man does this sound similar to me. 

Together for 10 years, married for 7 and no sex in (get this) 5 years due to me just not being in the mood. Now technically my wife is very attractive, slim, dressed nice etc and while sex before marriage was fun and spontaneous soon afterwards it was a chore. She’d lie back and complain about it hurting or about how “it wasn’t like in the trashy romance movies” she watches, and despite working on techniques and trying to improve my performance her constant bouts of tears (often before I was inside) just put me off to the point of not wanting it with her anymore. 

Over time I became the comfortable sofa, we still (do) love each other and I do blame myself for not taking action sooner but its come to the point where I can’t be ‘friends’ anymore and she’s taking my suggestion of divorce very badly. I still have desires but as you said, don’t want to be turning 45 in a nice but sexless marriage. Anytime that we speak about the sex issue she tells me to get it sorted, making it all my problem, much like anything else that goes wrong.

Anyway, I’m feeling incredibly guilty over wanting a divorce, other men often tell me how lucky I am to have a wife like mine and in many ways I agree but things aren’t working beneath the surface and I believe that will end up killing us in time.


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## camel74 (Aug 15, 2011)

thanks a bunch guys....REALLY appreciated having an ear or two...while sad, it is also in a strange way comforting that I am not the only sad sack in the world.

i plan to move out this week.
wish me strength!


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