# Time to leave?



## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

Hello,
13 yrs on. 6 betrayals (online - sexting, naughty pics, 1 EA a few months).
We have been living separately for 6 months now and he attends Sex Addiction counselling. We have had couples counselling too...

I was starting to believe things could get back on track, but now I’m thinking more along the lines of that it’s the ‘easy’ option... to just keep going. Lockdown has made it easy to get back into old ways (drinking - a trigger for his behaviour) and spending the weekends together because that’s the only option.

I’ve thought about if we lived close to work/family & my life wouldn’t have to change dramatically (keep job/support from family/friends), then would I still be deciding to stay. I think not.... financially I’m fine probably even better off but my cabin crew career could suffer/end and we currently are 30 mins from any support.

I look at him and I love him. 13 yrs is a long time. But I can’t be foolish enough to be ‘in love’ with someone that continues to shatter my heart. I’m so far down at the bottom that there’s nowhere else to go. I don’t think that I can live with the risk for the rest of my life. addiction is life-long. I can’t believe what he says because it’s still repeated itself. The chances of change are slim.

I feel bad for potentially leaving him when he needs me the most but my counsellor says that’s ridiculous. You’ve been there for 13 yrs and continued to stay after repeated betrayal.
It’s been an emotional few days and I’ve asked for space to think and talk to my counsellor.
I’m strong when I’m not with him, then today he dropped the children back and I back track because I do love him. It’s so hard...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Alcoholism and cheating are both perfectly valid reasons to end a relationship.

Staying because you think someone needs you (they don’t) is a very poor excuse to stay. You can’t warm someone up by setting yourself on fire. 

And contrary to popular lore, staying with someone that is making your life worse because you ‘love’ them is also a poor excuse. We often confuse codependency and enabling with love. 

There are people that ‘love’ their pet tigers but they still get eaten by them as well as people that love their pet snakes but still get bitten by them.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Six betrayals?
How long do you want to be a knight in shining armor? If you need a pandemic to keep the relationship in a "good place" you'll have nothing but disappointment ahead. Don't let 13 years cloud your vision. You'll be the old woman at the slot machine certain that it will pay off eventually. 13 years is long enough to know, take an assessment of what YOU want and where YOU'RE at. I'd bet good money you already know the answer. Give yourself the permission to say it.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

StevieW1 said:


> Hello,
> 13 yrs on. 6 betrayals (online - sexting, naughty pics, 1 EA a few months).
> We have been living separately for 6 months now and he attends Sex Addiction counselling. We have had couples counselling too...
> 
> ...


As someone whos, BTDT, just stay gone and end it. He is who he is and obviously, he can't/won't change for you, b/c it just keeps going. Eventually, he'll do something so terrible, it might break you, so cut your losses now and run. 

13 years is a long time, but do you want to look back and wonder where you life went if that becomes 30 and he' still up to his shenanigans?? You deserve someone who can love and give as much as you do, cut this loser loose, and harden to heart to any sob stories. 

I get that it's difficult to face the unknown, with all the "what ifs" especially with children in the picture. Do you want them to grow up with low self-esteem and accept crap treatment in their relationships? Monkey see, monkey do. You already know what to do, or you wouldn't have said "I can’t believe what he says because it’s still repeated itself. The chances of change are slim."


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## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

Thank you for your responses, they really mean a lot and give me courage. I’ll be reading them later before I head over his for a talk this afternoon x


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## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

Hi all. It’s been a tough few days but I am walking away.
when I look at him I don’t see the man I thought he was. I’m not in love with him.
I fear I could never fall back in love or be vulnerable with him. I don’t want to love in fear of the next time.....
It was tough yesterday. I told him that I don’t want to leave but I have to. For my heart, to heal. Staying with him won’t allow that. I’m a broken woman and I don’t have another betrayal in me I really don’t.
He said I’d be making my life harder by leaving but I only see positives, ending the hurt and breaking the cycle.
When we first had the talk Friday I found out he got drunk. I was so angry and things were being discussed and he went straight back to the behaviour that caused it (I also believe there’s a problem with drink too) he could have stepped up and proved himself to me but what he did just confirmed my worries....


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

StevieW1 said:


> Hi all. It’s been a tough few days but I am walking away.
> when I look at him I don’t see the man I thought he was. I’m not in love with him.
> I fear I could never fall back in love or be vulnerable with him. I don’t want to love in fear of the next time.....
> It was tough yesterday. I told him that I don’t want to leave by I have to. For my heart, to heal. Staying with him won’t allow that. I’m a broken woman and I don’t have another betrayal in me I really don’t.
> ...


I'm sorry. It's never easy to walk away, but you've put up with enough. You're going to second guess every move, so please keep up with counseling. You are not broken, battered, yes, but definitely not broken. You couldn't have toughed it out and made a move if you were.

I remember when I just started putting my life back together after DD. My therapist told me, just hang in there, one day at a time, in 6 months you'll have a completely different outlook. And I did and it was definitely better. How are the kids doing?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I have a relative who was like this, I kid you not he went through 4 wives who to this day say they still love him, they will always love him etc. But three of them happily remarried, and he’s old and ugly and appears brain damaged and ended up in govt housing. All of them decided it wasn’t good for the kids, as they got older they were too embarrassed to bring friends over.

He didn’t ‘need’ any of them. That’s the worst part. He will be old one day, we all forget life is actually mostly long, not short. Don’t feel bad for him for one minute.


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## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> I'm sorry. It's never easy to walk away, but you've put up with enough. You're going to second guess every move, so please keep up with counseling. You are not broken, battered, yes, but definitely not broken. You couldn't have toughed it out and made a move if you were.
> 
> I remember when I just started putting my life back together after DD. My therapist told me, just hang in there, one day at a time, in 6 months you'll have a completely different outlook. And I did and it was definitely better. How are the kids doing?


Thank you for your post. Our youngest is quite emotional of a bed time when it’s been a switch over day etc and shes v emotional. Her teacher is leaving school and was very upset about that last night plus her brother found out about his secondary school placement so she got upset about him leaving her 😭
He came over to talk this afternoon again which I found hard because it’s just going over the same thing for me but for him he wants to know if there’s anything else he can do. He thinks we can work through it. He will do anything etc but it’s just been too many hits. Too many times. The trust I think is irreparable. I look at him and don’t feel the same xx


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

StevieW1 said:


> Thank you for your post. Our youngest is quite emotional of a bed time when it’s been a switch over day etc and shes v emotional. Her teacher is leaving school and was very upset about that last night plus her brother found out about his secondary school placement so she got upset about him leaving her 😭
> He came over to talk this afternoon again which I found hard because it’s just going over the same thing for me but for him he wants to know if there’s anything else he can do. He thinks we can work through it. He will do anything etc but it’s just been too many hits. Too many times. The trust I think is irreparable. I look at him and don’t feel the same xx


I'm sorry the kids are having a hard time. I'm sure they felt the tension between you guys even if you tried to keep things on the down low. He sounds like an addict, but that's his problem and his responsibility to change if he really wants, he can't hinge that on you staying.

If you feel weak at any point, remind yourself the length of time his bad behavior has been ongoing, he could have made a choice to change at any time to preserve his marriage and family. He _knows _what he did, but you're his anchor. Out of curiosity, has he apologized to you?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

StevieW1 said:


> Hi all. It’s been a tough few days but I am walking away.
> when I look at him I don’t see the man I thought he was. I’m not in love with him.
> I fear I could never fall back in love or be vulnerable with him. I don’t want to love in fear of the next time.....
> It was tough yesterday. I told him that I don’t want to leave but I have to. For my heart, to heal. Staying with him won’t allow that. I’m a broken woman and I don’t have another betrayal in me I really don’t.
> ...


I think you're very brave. And in the end, he still proves he is not changing. Consider it a gift that you were able to see it. This should confirm that you're moving in the right direction.


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## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> I'm sorry the kids are having a hard time. I'm sure they felt the tension between you guys even if you tried to keep things on the down low. He sounds like an addict, but that's his problem and his responsibility to change if he really wants, he can't hinge that on you staying.
> 
> If you feel weak at any point, remind yourself the length of time his bad behavior has been ongoing, he could have made a choice to change at any time to preserve his marriage and family. He _knows _what he did, but you're his anchor. Out of curiosity, has he apologized to you?


I asked him to leave the home as soon as I found out so thankfully they’ve been protected from it all so far. I’d be scared for them if he came back then it inevitably happened again. That would be awful for any child, to get him back then he leave again.
He does apologise and is very sorry that it’s come to this. As you say this has gone on for 13 yrs. The first time was when I was pregnant during our first year. A baby and a family couldn’t stop it and here we are. I do get scared that this could be the time that he changes. But the odds are against us and I can’t put my life and heart on the line. I’m worried that I could get to 50 and it fall apart again and then I’ll be stuck :-(


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

StevieW1 said:


> I asked him to leave the home as soon as I found out so thankfully they’ve been protected from it all so far. I’d be scared for them if he came back then it inevitably happened again. That would be awful for any child, to get him back then he leave again.
> He does apologise and is very sorry that it’s come to this. As you say this has gone on for 13 yrs. The first time was when I was pregnant during our first year. A baby and a family couldn’t stop it and here we are. I do get scared that this could be the time that he changes. But the odds are against us and I can’t put my life and heart on the line. I’m worried that I could get to 50 and it fall apart again and then I’ll be stuck :-(


Like I posted to you months ago, I think it's right for you to move on and collect the pieces of your heart that have been broken off and get them back together again. It CAN happen, you just need time to HEAL. You can still be loving and caring towards him as an EX-husband, but you really do need to focus on YOURSELF for a change...and what's best for YOU is to be away from him.

I know it's difficult and scary, but you will see, once you get through the initial "break-up", everything will be brighter and more peaceful for you, and you will be able to rediscover the person you were before all the pain and betrayal happened. That happy, optimistic, bright person IS still there, she's just been weighted down with all the cares of an addicted spouse!
It's time to FIND HER again!!!


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## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

I hope you are all well and i appreciate all of your replies and I have re-read them to give me strength.
I put in for the divorce at the end of March and the decree nissi has already been issued. I have moments of feeling strong and then I wonder if I’ll regret not trying again.
Since I spoke to you last a mutual friend said they believed that he must have slept with others and one of his friends agreed. I asked him myself and he refused to say yes/no which speaks volumes. If it wasn’t true and he didn’t want me feel any more hurt his initial reaction would have been NO! Not I can’t say yes or no....

I know I’m doing the right thing and the wheels are already in motion it’s just hard when it’s all you’ve known for 13 years xx


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

StevieW1 said:


> I hope you are all well and i appreciate all of your replies and I have re-read them to give me strength.
> I put in for the divorce at the end of March and the decree nissi has already been issued. I have moments of feeling strong and then I wonder if I’ll regret not trying again.
> Since I spoke to you last a mutual friend said they believed that he must have slept with others and one of his friends agreed. I asked him myself and he refused to say yes/no which speaks volumes. If it wasn’t true and he didn’t want me feel any more hurt his initial reaction would have been NO! Not I can’t say yes or no....
> 
> I know I’m doing the right thing and the wheels are already in motion it’s just hard when it’s all you’ve known for 13 years xx


Just because something is hard does not mean it is not the right thing to do. 

In this case, remaining in that situation would be harder and more destructive in the long run.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

It could be worse. It could be 14 years.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

StevieW1 said:


> I hope you are all well and i appreciate all of your replies and I have re-read them to give me strength.
> I put in for the divorce at the end of March and the decree nissi has already been issued. I have moments of feeling strong and then I wonder if I’ll regret not trying again.
> Since I spoke to you last a mutual friend said they believed that he must have slept with others and one of his friends agreed. I asked him myself and he refused to say yes/no which speaks volumes. If it wasn’t true and he didn’t want me feel any more hurt his initial reaction would have been NO! Not I can’t say yes or no....
> 
> I know I’m doing the right thing and the wheels are already in motion it’s just hard when it’s all you’ve known for 13 years xx


It IS hard when it's all you've known, and you are stepping into the UN-known. It's scary, it hurts, and everything in you says you want to avoid the fear and pain and go back to what is predictable and comfortable. Believe me, I UNDERSTAND!!!

I still have moments of regretting the loss of my first marriage, and my husband was a violent alcoholic who left me no choice...I think, for people who value their relationships and their partners and who are genuinely attached to them, it's a natural reaction to the loss of our love and hope for the future we thought we would have. But I PROMISE you, once you are firmly on the other side of this mess, you will know that you made the right choice...and then you will feel regret for HIM, that HE ruined HIS chances to be happy with someone as wonderful as YOU are!!

So keep moving forward, and keep your eyes on what your goal is -- PEACE and HOPE for a new future!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi Stevie, 
"What if" is always scary. Many of us had a very difficult time making that move, but the worst bit is over. You've already done the hardest part, even if it doesn't yet feel like it. 

Now you can start reaping the benefits... peace of mind, less anxiety wondering where he is, with whom, etc.TAM has been a lifeline for me, especially during low, lonely periods, so please keep posting!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

StevieW1 said:


> Hello,
> 13 yrs on. 6 betrayals (online - sexting, naughty pics, 1 EA a few months).
> We have been living separately for 6 months now and he attends Sex Addiction counselling. We have had couples counselling too...
> 
> ...


yes you are right to start thinking about yourself. Staying with an addict has probably enabled him even more. Leaving him may do him alot of good too (or not). You deserve a better life where someone loves you and does not shatter your heart and take you for granted.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You’re very brave, I think your life is going to be amazing! Very hard of course, you have a big heart but it’s great to hear the love for yourself is greater. 13 years is a long time, it sounds like you have done most of the hard work.


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## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> It IS hard when it's all you've known, and you are stepping into the UN-known. It's scary, it hurts, and everything in you says you want to avoid the fear and pain and go back to what is predictable and comfortable. Believe me, I UNDERSTAND!!!
> 
> I still have moments of regretting the loss of my first marriage, and my husband was a violent alcoholic who left me no choice...I think, for people who value their relationships and their partners and who are genuinely attached to them, it's a natural reaction to the loss of our love and hope for the future we thought we would have. But I PROMISE you, once you are firmly on the other side of this mess, you will know that you made the right choice...and then you will feel regret for HIM, that HE ruined HIS chances to be happy with someone as wonderful as YOU are!!
> 
> So keep moving forward, and keep your eyes on what your goal is -- PEACE and HOPE for a new future!


Thank you so much for this. I needed to hear it xx


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@StevieW1 you have this! What is ahead of you is* this* life! That of Wonder Woman! 










Drat. You are so young you probably don't remember the original Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter! 🤣


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