# One of the ironies of getting back together



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Why do I feel my relationship has had a minor flip in the dynamic? 

A little background first.My GF and I of 2 yrs broke up back in August due to some communication breakdown stemming from my second-guessing of moving in. I spent the last 3-4 weeks looking within myself to see where I/We went wrong and there were several things I realized I can improve on (vulnerability, irrational fear, communicating, be more emotionally present at the sign of conflict).
To be brief, I reached out to her two weeks ago and we are now on a path of reconciliation. 

Now to the reason of my thread:

My GF and I talked on the phone last nite and I brought up our date this Saturday (which is a good thing). I then told her that I'd love for her to join my kids and I on Friday for a volleyball game and grabbing a bite to eat even though deep down, I assumed she'd decline because we are taking it slow when in the presence of the kids. In the past, I would sometimes not invite her because I assumed she couldn't make it or knew that she was busy. However, this would upset her because it made her feel that I didn't want her to be there, even though she likely would not make it anyways. Other times, it was how I would invite her, such as asking her if she wanted to go, instead of telling her I wanted her to go. See the subtle/ not so subtle difference?? I thought it was silly semantics(?) and became defensive, but now realize I need to be caring of her feelings too.

So, after inviting her to the Friday nite game, she tells me, with a sense (in my opinion) of hesitation and regret,"weeellllllll, actually...." that she already had plans. She told me she is going out with friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. She tells me where they are planning on going too. Then she tells me I can join them if I want to.

I responded cooly by saying since I had my kids, that it would be near impossible to make the party. But this morning, it hit me that she did the exact same thing that I did which bugged the hell out of her. See the irony?

So what do I say? I feel like letting her know how that when it sunk in, I wondered why she behaved/approached the party discussion in a way that used to bug her when I did it. I almost feel like asking why didn't you mention it to me before? As if I didn't ask, would she have ever told me? It almost felt like she was feeling guilty that either I unintentionally put her on the spot or hoping I would never ask?
But does asking those questions makes one sound insecure? I kinda feel like I'm nit-picking, which I normally never do! But I can't deny how it's making me feel either and I prefer to put it out there instead of keeping it to myself. That's part of my vulnerability issue. I feel like I should tell her, in a polite and caring way how it made me feel afterwards. But maybe I should vent to friends and get it off my chest rather than confronting her?
I just want to be careful because we are still in the reconciliation stage and I don't want to appear weak or insecure either. See my vulnerability conflict rising too??

What do you guys think?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Don't worry son. Once you graduate high school none of this stuff will matter.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Don't worry son. Once you graduate high school none of this stuff will matter.


:scratchhead: He has been a member since July 2011.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

I agree with WorkingOnMe- your post is written as if a teenager wrote it...you're creating drama where there doesn't need to be. 

Why are you teasing out words....searching for hidden meanings...

It is her prerogative to share or not share her plans with you....you are dating....


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You guys can make fun of Houstondad but we all have different ways of communicating.

My wife has no problem saying "Hand me that towel", yet gets annoyed at me if I didn't say "Please hand me that towel." The mature thing to do in understand that people communicate differently, even contradicting themselves in the way they communicate.

So Houstondad... look at the gesture, the invite, rather than how it was delivered. Disregard any annoyance about how you may have delivered an invite in the past. These types of things aren't big enough to worry about.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

if you actually want to talk about it, bring it up in a way that you're not attacking her for the way it was done.

I'd go with something like, "when you asked me to join you, you did it in the exact same way that I used to do so that bothered you. While, it doesn't really bother me, I can see and understand how that annoyed you in the past."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Don't worry son. Once you graduate high school none of this stuff will matter.


And the reason you broke the "no calling out rule" was because...?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I think my long winded explanation came off as a "teenager". I'm just addressing my concerns for my GF coming across as a hypocrite as well as why she appeared to be uncomfortable telling me. Valid concerns.
I appreciate the constructive feedback. I know communication is important and wanted to handle it in the most respectful way possible. May seem obvious to some, but it just wasn't coming to me as easily.
Thanks


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

I did not intend to disrespect. I apologize my words were messy and I came across as making fun at you.

I was wanting to reflect to you to just treat you gf respectfully, regardless of how she has felt about a response in the past. Just keep it in the moment and move forward. It usually isn't helpful or constructive to bring up past situations to support a position.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

My husband often uses a phrase "Life in the Funhouse Mirrors".... we often cannot see ourselves clearly because we view ourselves in a situation as if we're looking in a funhouse mirror. That is why we need friends (even an internet forum)..They see us straight on and can give us some insight in how to see ourselves and our situations clearly.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

It's cool sdrawkcab. And I can see your view of living in the moment and not dredging up the past. That's hard sometimes
because I do feel a little pissed for the heat I used to take from her for acting exactly how she did last night.

I guess my issue is that my GF is behaving in a manner that drove her nuts in our "former" relationship. The actual behavior doesn't bother me, it's the hypocrisy, which was likely unintentional.

I kinda like Dubsey's suggestion on how to respond. Or do I just get it off my chest here because it's not worth it?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Stop over thinking. 

So what she doesn't ask you to go with her while expecting you to do exactly that. 

So you ask her each and every time an event comes up and maybe she goes and maybe she doesnt and realize she may not do the same for you.

Let it go.

Pick your battles. 

Take the high road. 

Children are starving in third world countries.

There are bigger problems out there. 

You get the idea.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> And the reason you broke the "no calling out rule" was because...?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @MattMatt

@WorkingOnMe wasn't calling him a trolling grade schooler. 

He was saying that the way he is dealing with his girlfriend is very grade schoolish, and he's right.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

caruso said:


> @MattMatt
> 
> @WorkingOnMe wasn't calling him a trolling grade schooler.
> 
> He was saying that the way he vis dealing with his girlfriend is very grade schoolish, and he's right.


I am a professional writer. It is how I make my living.

I would not dream of calling someone out because I thought their writing was "imature".

People come to TAM for help. Not a critique of their writing style or to get unhelpful smart aleck one liner replies.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I am a professional writer. It is how I make my living.
> 
> I would not dream of calling someone out because I thought their writing was "imature".
> 
> People come to TAM for help. Not a critique of their writing style or to get unhelpful smart aleck one liner replies.


My bad. I thought you were mistaking his comments as calling out a troll.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Caruso- Your suggestions are the type that ends up building as resentment for some. Everyone is different on how they feel. I used to take the high road, pick my battles and let it go with former partners. It was good short term, but never healthy long term. 

What's wrong with talking about it? There's a difference that when you talk about it, you don't.. 
lose your ****= emotionally immature
and instead..
have a conversation= the adult thing to do
It's part of being vulnerable which many of us guys are incapable of doing. 

I must admit that my emotions are a bit more raw and sensitive right now due to the current nature of our relationship.Just came here to look for suggestions on how to discuss this and not get pompous responses.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Houstondad said:


> Caruso- Your suggestions are the type that ends up building as resentment for some. Everyone is different on how they feel. I used to take the high road, pick my battles and let it go with former partners. It was good short term, but never healthy long term. .


So freaking what that she doesn't say "I want you to come with me" and expects you to say it to her even though she doesn't say it to you. 

If you're going to get resentful over such a minor issue then I'm going to gently suggest you speak to a therapist about it.

It's just not worth getting bent out of shape over.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hey bro, you know who you and I are starting to sound like as we go back and forth? A couple of junior high kids who can't keep their emotions in check. Haha


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

You and me. At recess by the soccer field.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> I wondered why she behaved/approached the party discussion in a way that used to bug her when I did it. I almost feel like asking why didn't you mention it to me before? As if I didn't ask, would she have ever told me? It almost felt like she was feeling guilty that either I unintentionally put her on the spot or hoping I would never ask?
> But does asking those questions makes one sound insecure? I kinda feel like I'm nit-picking, which I normally never do!


 Yes it makes you "sound insecure". Yes you are "nit-picking". She did not invite you at first because at this point you are just dating, unlike when you were doing this when you were a couple. If you want to have a fresh start, stop trying to be in the right when it comes to your breakup by showing her where she was in the wrong.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

This is why sometimes, I need to talk things out with others before I say or do something. Not always, but sometimes.

My plan is not to say anything at all. Because TRy has a point which is that my GF and I are still "dating". I would suggest that she and I are in a state of reconciliation, and my GF has even stated she feels like we are in limbo right now. She wants to feel normal and be herself and not hold back and so do I. So things are a little more complicated right now, but this dynamic will likely change as we increase our commitment to one another.

So I'm letting this one go. However, if this happens again when we are past the dating/reconciling stage and are a couple, I feel like I should discuss it with her only then.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP why don't you find a babysitter for tonight either call her let her know you want to go, or show up to the party bring her a bottle wine or something nice. She might be pleasantly surprised.? Just food for thought
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> So I'm letting this one go. However, if this happens again when we are past the dating/reconciling stage and are a couple, I feel like I should discuss it with her only then.


 You would not be wrong to do this in the future, but you may want to think about doing it even then. I have been married many years, and I have learned over those years that it is best to pick my battles.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

TRy said:


> I have learned over those years that it is best to pick my battles.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is impossible for a man to "figure out" how a women thinks or feels. Remember, they cannot figure you out either.

Women are emotional creatures and "act out" when you or someone else touches a nerve. Think of them as a Golden Barrel Cacti. There is NO PLACE that you can touch that does not have a sharp barb in place.

The best answer is never to play games in dealing with them. Choose your words, be neutral, be friendly. Hope for the best.

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I suspect that your GF gave back to you, what you gave her. She is trying to teach you a lesson.

It is Women's sworn duty to "train" men. Men are savages, have nose hair, they burp, they are messy, clueless, do not know how to communicate and never listen.

What does listen mean? It means TO OBEY! Get that straight, caveman.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Houstondad said:


> Why do I feel my relationship has had a minor flip in the dynamic?
> 
> A little background first.My GF and I of 2 yrs broke up back in August due to some communication breakdown stemming from my second-guessing of moving in. I spent the last 3-4 weeks looking within myself to see where I/We went wrong and there were several things I realized I can improve on (vulnerability, irrational fear, communicating, be more emotionally present at the sign of conflict).
> To be brief, I reached out to her two weeks ago and we are now on a path of reconciliation.
> ...


I've read this post like 3 times and can't figure out what the problem is. She used to feel left out when you wouldn't include her in plans, so this time you asked her to join you and this particular time she _already_ had plans to attend a party.

So big deal. She's got a life too. I'm almost getting the impression that you were expecting a pat on the head and a cookie from her just because you invited her along this time when your old pattern was to assume she wouldn't want to go or had other plans. Well, this time, she DID have other plans.

I still don't see the problem.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Ask yourself this - did you change or grow for you or to get an expected outcome from her? It sounds like you are resentful that your invitation wasn't viewed as a grand gesture of some sort, whereas in fact it is just how someone invites another person to an event in a nice way. When you say "I don't suppose you want to come," depending on your tone it sounds like you really don't particularly care either way. You sound annoyed that she didn't reward you in some way for coming to this realization when you invited her in the "new" way. It doesn't sound like she's punishing you. It sounds like she had plans. She was probably hesitant to ask you along since she knew you were already busy. I wouldn't go reading things into it that aren't there.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I still don't see the problem.


you don't see it because it's pretty childish, on both of their parts, IMO.

It's the difference between "you can come if you want/do you want to come" vs. "I'd like you to join me, if you can"

She got upset with him on the first go around for always doing the former, then she turned and did it back to him now that they're back together.

It's really a whole lot of nothing, but I can see why he'd like to point it out. It won't really go over well though - it'd be like rubbing her nose in it.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Good communication and talking things out is one thing.

Whining over a petty exchange because she didn't ask you something that she expects you to ask her is just over the top.

You sound like a nice guy, I'm really hoping that some of these posts suggesting you're making a big deal out of nothing start to sink in.

If your girlfriend was to post here she'd probably say "he's a great guy but gets so petty over minor BS it's just ridiculous!".

It's called "manning up".


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