# How to handle children talking about other person



## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Just wanted some thoughts on this. My son (9) tells me stories of all the things he and mommy do with "mommy's friend from work". Whenever he brings it up it just sends me back to the state I was in when it all started. Like a knife in the heart and it just deflates me physically and mentally. He see's it and say's don't worry, there not boyfriend and girlfriend but to everyone else it is obvious. 

I asked her about this and said that our son wasn't ready for that just yet and she said she doesn't have a boyfriend. Whatever it is, another man joining them grocery shopping or over late playing board games with them isn't what my son needs. Since I have already brought up my concerns to the ex, there isn't much point in bringing it up again. 

My dilemma is, if I ask him not to talk about the other guy that cuts off an avenue my son has to express himself and how he feels. Then again it crushes me for days hearing about it, even if it is something small it drains me. Any thoughts??


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## hylton7 (Jan 24, 2017)

she doesn't have a boyfriend?
why don't you tell her you know she cheated with this guy?


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

hylton7 said:


> she doesn't have a boyfriend?
> why don't you tell her you know she cheated with this guy?


What would that accomplish at this point. She has made her choice and she may deny it all she wants it doesn't matter. I'm asking how to deal with this and if anyone had any constructive thoughts.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Don't ask your son not to talk about it. From his POV, it is odd to have mom with someone else. And you need to suck it up and let him say it, whatever "it" is. Not what you want to hear but you are always going to be the Dad and the more you find a way to let him tell you things in his life now, the more he will share with you as he grows up. So always keep communication open. You say things like "sounds like you had fun" and let it go.

Time does heal, although it never feels like it when you are going through this crap.

So what steps you taking to heal?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

First of all, you need to man up and put on your poker face. Your emotional response to your son telling stories about Mommy's Friend from Work should not be your son's problem. If he's seeing you react negatively, that's something that needs to stop. Stop bringing your son - whether through your words, your actions, or just the scrunchy faces you make in reaction to the tales of his day - into the middle of your divorce. And absolutely do not tell him to not talk about the other guy. Again, that's making your nine year old responsible on some level for protecting you from reality, which is just a messed up thing to do to your child. 

The truth is that you and your ex-wife are no longer married. That means you no longer have any real say in what goes on at her house, with her Friend, or even with your son while he's in her custody so long as he's not being abused, neglected or endangered. You cannot stop her from having a Friend, even if you hate the guy. You cannot stop her from having her Friend around your son, even if you hate the guy and her. You and she are no longer a parenting team in the fundamental way of a married couple. Now you are two separate people, with two separate homes and lives, who are (hopefully) going to do the best you can to co-parent or parallel-parent your son - without being able to dictate much at all of what goes on when he's with the other parent. 

What are you doing to help yourself move on and find healing? I think you're going to have to double down on learning apathy for your ex-wife. When your son tells stories, don't react negatively. Just make some casual neutral-to-positive remark and move along. Learn - or fake it until you learn - some detachment from her and what's going on with her. Stop letting her actions control your emotions. Stop letting your emotional response to her actions impact your interactions with your child. And, for pity's sake, stop allowing your young son to see you being made this distraught over his mentioning a situation that he neither caused nor can change. It's time to be strong, for him at the very least, if not for yourself.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

tell him your happy mom found someone to spend time with. 

then ramp up the fun things to do with him and make is special and fun. so fun that word get back to mom and her new man. offer to take him more frequently. Bond with him like never before.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow - so you think that your feelings are more important than your 9 year old sons??

And why in gods name does your stbxw not know that YOU know she cheated on you????


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

it will be hard to take the high road. but your son is seeing it and he might not understand whats going on now but he will eventually mature and will put things together . and when he does his admiration and respect for you as a father going through some of the roughest **** a husband/dad will have to trudge through in their life. 

now show him how a real MAN walks through life! 


good luck.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Thank you for all your replies They really helped and inspired me to put my feelings aside and think more of how it must feel for him and how confusing it all still must be as well. Thx


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Canada75 said:


> Thank you for all your replies They really helped and inspired me to put my feelings aside and think more of how it must feel for him and how confusing it all still must be as well. Thx


It's a very hard road to walk. You can do it. And when he's older you will be so glad you did. Keep posting and venting here.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

As hard as it is to hear about the ex and her life I think it's a very positive sign your son talks about it, don't ever show or voice any contempt toward your ex when your son mentions her. Unless she is an unfit mother you want your son to have two parents he loves and is comfortable with, it's not your job to make sure the ex has a good relationship with your son but it is your job to do nothing to harm that relationship. Keep in mind the relationship you had and have with the ex is very very different than the mother/son relationship.

Another plus in keeping that line of communication open is it helps you know what kind of environment your son is living in, it helps you keep tabs on his home life and if it's safe and healthy, and that's very important information to have.

Chin up, put on a smile and say "that's good."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a saying about divorce: "Love your child more than you hate your spouse."

(I realize that you might not "hate" your spouse. that's a strong word. But things get ugly during divorce.)


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## Alpinglow (Nov 12, 2015)

Canada75 said:


> Just wanted some thoughts on this. My son (9) tells me stories of all the things he and mommy do with "mommy's friend from work". Whenever he brings it up it just sends me back to the state I was in when it all started. Like a knife in the heart and it just deflates me physically and mentally. He see's it and say's don't worry, there not boyfriend and girlfriend but to everyone else it is obvious.
> 
> I asked her about this and said that our son wasn't ready for that just yet and she said she doesn't have a boyfriend. Whatever it is, another man joining them grocery shopping or over late playing board games with them isn't what my son needs. Since I have already brought up my concerns to the ex, there isn't much point in bringing it up again.
> 
> My dilemma is, if I ask him not to talk about the other guy that cuts off an avenue my son has to express himself and how he feels. Then again it crushes me for days hearing about it, even if it is something small it drains me. Any thoughts??


I've been going through the exact same thing. Wife had an affair, ended marriage and the proceeded to take me for every penny, airline mile and tax incentive she possibly could. Now I get to listen to my kids talk about all the fun times they are having with Mommy and this putz she's with. I tell them I think its great and haven't said a word to my ex about it. Just do what I do, be happy for your kids and fantasize about the day that the 'other person' breaks off the relationship and your ex turns into a sobbing puddle realizing the mess they've made of everyone's life around them. Coaching your kids though that will be a whole different sort of victory.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Alpinglow said:


> I've been going through the exact same thing. Wife had an affair, ended marriage and the proceeded to take me for every penny, airline mile and tax incentive she possibly could. Now I get to listen to my kids talk about all the fun times they are having with Mommy and this putz she's with. I tell them I think its great and haven't said a word to my ex about it. Just do what I do, be happy for your kids and fantasize about the day that the 'other person' breaks off the relationship and your ex turns into a sobbing puddle realizing the mess they've made of everyone's life around them. Coaching your kids though that will be a whole different sort of victory.


Same situation as above, my children asked me to buy something I informed them I had no money and they proceeded to tell me Mom has so much money but that is because she works hard for us(she received Alimony, large child support even with 50/50, car paid off and a 6 figure check from me!!!) I just bit my tongue.

Kids always understand, my Wife cheated and immediate as we signed went on a weekend with POSOM and my kids and I technically paid for it, they see him 100% of her time with them and really seem to like him and his dogs and always tell me all about it, ,my S8 has started to question it though and both have started asking her questions on him and his role with concern.

Just focus on fun with your Child and that will take your mind of it, its a rough road but there are many out there much worse than you who have gotten past it and thrived again.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> There is a saying about divorce: "Love your child more than you hate your spouse."
> 
> (I realize that you might not "hate" your spouse. that's a strong word. But things get ugly during divorce.)


I think I am at the Hate point might not be strong enough, but I tolerate her actions for the kids even when I would love nothing more than to never see or hear from her ever again.


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## Alpinglow (Nov 12, 2015)

The financial impact of divorce to primary bread winners in this country is criminal. Especially when the spouse that receives them is the one that cheated and put no effort into saving the marriage. The fact that they get all that child support money tax free is the final kick in the stones. My ex didn't even wait until we signed. She started spending nights out a few weeks after she told me with no mention of where she was or when she'd be back. Married for nine years, and the person who in your mind is still your wife doesn't come home at night? Imagine what that does to a person. I had to try to answer my kid's questions the next morning about where mommy was. This is a very well put together woman with a good job who is well respected in the community, mind you. There is no end to the hypocrisy in all of this. All you can do it realize that its not you and be the best parent you can possibly be. Carry on.


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