# Papers being drawn up but I'm still living here - how to cope



## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Attorney is drawing up papers - this was shared with him even though papers were not ready yet. I had a meltdown after just having NO virtually no physical contact or random affection for almost 18 months. It's eating at my soul and I just couldn't take it any longer. SO I told him, even though papers are not ready. I am still living at home. I know this is the right decision, but he is making it awful acting angry and very hard to live with. What do I do??? If I am supposed to be feeling relief, I'm not...........it's been horrible. I will be the one staying in the house. I don't know how long it will take him to find a place that he is happy with. Assuming it takes several months, how do I cope with this?

Also, I have had a lot of physical symptoms and problems crop up over the last few months. I am thinking part of it is just because of all of the stress going on at home. Is this also normal? Have other people who have been through this also had things impact them physically, or is it mostly just mental stress? On top of his ill moods and behavior, the mental and physical stress - all combined cause me to have fleeting thoughts that it would have been just easier to stay.

Any words of wisdom??


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There's an saying that goes - 

Why do divorces cost so much?

Because they're worth it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

yes, there is going to be pain and angst and cost associated with this (and yes, almost everyone experiences various physical ailments during divorce too) but the reason you have reached the breaking point and are in the process of drawing up papers and presumably filing them and proceeding with the divorce is because the pain and anguish of staying is greater than the pain and anguish of divorcing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Attorney is drawing up papers - this was shared with him even though papers were not ready yet. I had a meltdown after just having NO virtually no physical contact or random affection for almost 18 months. It's eating at my soul and I just couldn't take it any longer. SO I told him, even though papers are not ready. I am still living at home. I know this is the right decision, but he is making it awful acting angry and very hard to live with. What do I do??? If I am supposed to be feeling relief, I'm not...........it's been horrible. I will be the one staying in the house. I don't know how long it will take him to find a place that he is happy with. Assuming it takes several months, how do I cope with this?
> 
> Also, I have had a lot of physical symptoms and problems crop up over the last few months. I am thinking part of it is just because of all of the stress going on at home. Is this also normal? Have other people who have been through this also had things impact them physically, or is it mostly just mental stress? On top of his ill moods and behavior, the mental and physical stress - all combined cause me to have fleeting thoughts that it would have been just easier to stay.
> 
> Any words of wisdom??


Stress and anxiety always affect us physically. Our immune system is weak so we get ill more. We get tired more.

Can you or he go and live with a family member/friend for a few months till the divorce is over? You will only feel relief once you are no longer in the same house and the divorce is over


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> yes, there is going to be pain and angst and cost associated with this (and yes, almost everyone experiences various physical ailments during divorce too) but the reason you have reached the breaking point and are in the process of drawing up papers and presumably filing them and proceeding with the divorce is because the pain and anguish of staying is greater than the pain and anguish of divorcing.


Feeling overwhelmed an fearful I will not survive this as a whole person. I haven't been able to eat for a month, probably lost 8 pounds which I didn't need to lose in the first place, headaches, can't get a full night's sleep yet exhausted during the day, now feeling racing heart and palpitations. And the mental agony of him being so callous and angry. How do people do it?!? Are all situations like this during a transition period??


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Feeling overwhelmed an fearful I will not survive this as a whole person. I haven't been able to eat for a month, probably lost 8 pounds which I didn't need to lose in the first place, headaches, can't get a full night's sleep yet exhausted during the day, now feeling racing heart and palpitations.


That all sounds pretty normal to me.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LilMissSunshine said:


> And the mental agony of him being so callous and angry.


If he was kind and sweet and loving, would you be divorcing him in the first place???

Think about that.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> That all sounds pretty normal to me.


<<<<<<<<<<Sigh>>>>>>>>>>>>. I will have to find a way to cope, I know. But the pain of staying has been close to the breaking point for a long time. I on't know how I will do this, but I don't like the alternative. I think my motto needs to be "one day at a time." I've said it before, but I think I need it now more than ever.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I had to live with my ex during the first stages after initiating the divorce. It wasn't a good time, at all. What's his timeline for leaving the house?

If he refuses to take action, your lawyer might be able to help. Even if it's just wrapping up the divorce as soon as possible.

I think you might have to have to just get thru this time period as best you can. There isn't likely anything that can make it better, except getting the divorce completed as soon as possible.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to start detaching yourself. Work toward having a businesslike relationship. Don’t engage when he is emotional and trying to draw you out and upset you. Read up on the 180 and on gray rock. He will do his very best to gaslight you into doubting yourself and your decision. Remind yourself why you are doing this and don’t listen to him. You’ve always put way too much stock into what he tells you. If you stop giving him the response he wants, in theory, he will eventually back off. If you give in and stay, nothing is going to change and you will be right back here again in a few months down the road. 

Stress is likely causing your physical symptoms. Talk to your dr and see if he has suggestions for you. 


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LilMissSunshine said:


> If I am supposed to be feeling relief, I'm not...........it's been horrible.


Divorce is like root canal or getting a broken bone set or getting a cavity drilled. 

There's no relief during the process.... it often feels worse during the procedure than it did before in fact. 

The relief comes after the procedure is over and everything is all healed up.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Feeling overwhelmed an fearful I will not survive this as a whole person. I haven't been able to eat for a month, probably lost 8 pounds which I didn't need to lose in the first place, headaches, can't get a full night's sleep yet exhausted during the day, now feeling racing heart and palpitations. And the mental agony of him being so callous and angry. How do people do it?!? Are all situations like this during a transition period??


That's why you must get physically separated. Either you leave or he does.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

What is his timeline for leaving? What was his reaction?

I agree with 3xnocharm. Google gray rock. It's a method of dealing with someone who is difficult but you have no choice but to interact with them.

You should really think about getting a therapist to help you get through this. You have crippling low self esteem and the therapist can not only help you with that, but give you practical tools to deal with your husband's anger and gaslighting.

Lean on your friends, mom, and son. Get out of the house often, do things with others, start your own life without your husband but know you don't have to tell him where you're going or what you're doing. Work on detaching.

Hang in there!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Attorney is drawing up papers - this was shared with him even though papers were not ready yet. I had a meltdown after just having NO virtually no physical contact or random affection for almost 18 months. It's eating at my soul and I just couldn't take it any longer. SO I told him, even though papers are not ready. I am still living at home. I know this is the right decision, but he is making it awful acting angry and very hard to live with. What do I do??? If I am supposed to be feeling relief, I'm not...........it's been horrible. I will be the one staying in the house. I don't know how long it will take him to find a place that he is happy with. Assuming it takes several months, how do I cope with this?
> 
> Also, I have had a lot of physical symptoms and problems crop up over the last few months. I am thinking part of it is just because of all of the stress going on at home. Is this also normal? Have other people who have been through this also had things impact them physically, or is it mostly just mental stress? On top of his ill moods and behavior, the mental and physical stress - all combined cause me to have fleeting thoughts that it would have been just easier to stay.
> 
> Any words of wisdom??


Divorcing while co-habituating is always stressful. 

May I ask since you are the one filing why don't you move out?


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

No words of wisdom just some kind thoughts from an internet stranger. Ride out the storm and find happiness!!


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

I would watch Jay Shetty and Trent Shelton videos. You need to empower yourself, at this time. I would recommend the book The Alchemist. Will Smith said it changed his life, I read it after my brake up. It's a very easy read and enjoyable. It will scratch on Spiritualism and listening and seeing Omens. It was quite enjoyable. I cant recommend anything else as it seems you just need to find the inner strength. I'm sorry the neglect you experienced, and yes physically and mentally you're probably reeling off the ropes. Be Strong.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Remember when I said it "seems" easier to stay? What you're experiencing is why that's true. Your husband doesn't want a divorce and he's used to seeing you cave when the going gets tough. That's what he expects this time and he's going to keep up the pressure (anger, etc.) for as long as the two of you live together. He's making life uncomfortable and naturally you want that to stop. Yes, physical symptoms of stress show up. I had daily migraines for months, in addition to constant neck and shoulder pain, before my husband moved out. Once he was gone, my physical symptoms of stress were also gone. 

Divorce is *not* an easy process. It tends to be hurtful and painful and sad. It can make you feel hopeless and helpless. It can seem like the end of the world because the familiarity of life as you know it is changing. A new and different life is waiting and that can feel very scary. Many stay because of fear of the unknown ("better the devil you know" etc.). You have to choose between the life you have now or the life you could make for yourself. Which is more important?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Mention your symptoms to your doctor, he may be able to help w/ some of them.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It sounds as though you hadn't discussed the arrangement before having papers drawn, but you state you are the one who will be staying in the house. If you haven't negotiated that, I don't see how you can be sure of it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SpinyNorman said:


> It sounds as though you hadn't discussed the arrangement before having papers drawn, but you state you are the one who will be staying in the house. If you haven't negotiated that, I don't see how you can be sure of it.


He doesn't like the house. Although, he liked it well enough when she paid for it lock, stock and barrel with money from an inheritance. He never had to sweat coming up with a down payment or mortgage payments. He will now be free to pick out and pay for his own little piece of heaven.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> He doesn't like the house. Although, he liked it well enough when she paid for it lock, stock and barrel with money from an inheritance. He never had to sweat coming up with a down payment or mortgage payments. He will now be free to pick out and pay for his own little piece of heaven.


Oh. I must've missed this part.:frown2:


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

I know I am making the right choice but I have to tell myself that MULTIPLE times a day. I am barely into this process yet finding myself already wanting to do nothing on the weekends except stay in bed - ALL day. When I wake up in the morning, I am finding myself literally counting how many hours until I can get back in bed that night. I am having a horrible time coping, and this is just barely getting started.

I am reacting extremely or is this norm? From different posts I've read and random observations about people who have also been the ones to choose to leave long-term marriages, they all make it seem so easy. I know you never know what goes on behind closed doors, but honestly, I read posts on here about people up and leaving and really not having all of these physical and mental symptoms, wanting to stay locked up all weekend, etc. What is it that they have that I don't??? I REALLY, really don't want to cave and go back into my situation now that I have gotten this far, but honestly I don't know how in the world I can do this when I am barely into the process and it's like this.

Can somebody help? Is there anywhere online that is more of a support group? It seems like this forum is mainly just for specific questions, not really ongoing chatting and support?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

LMS, whether I agree or disagree with your decision really doesn't matter... what matters is how you healthily move through it.

When I was going thought my divorce and still living in the same house (3.5 months) I focused on my fears and meditated my backside off. I practiced kindness while removing the norms that 28 years had brought and progressively buffered each and every one with an action of separation, a walk, then meditation.

Every day.

Your problem is more your questioning the decision than actually acting on it.

If the decision is made, accept it and move forward instead of this emotional purgatory you seem to be chaining yourself to.

Free yourself and your mind of this tormenting doubt.

You are walking too close to the edge... find the middle.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Can somebody help? Is there anywhere online that is more of a support group? It seems like this forum is mainly just for specific questions, not really ongoing chatting and support?


Oh, and find a meditation class you can be part of quickly if you are not practiced in it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Can't help with the forum for just chatting; but, you have to realize that this is your life and you will have to do the work. People have been telling you to spend as little time at home as possible so you won't be exposed to his hostility. How does staying in bed all day promote your cause?

You have been vacillating for 4 years because of this very reason. You don't know how to do things by yourself. Take yourself to the library or a bookstore. Nobody is going to be able to take you by the hand and walk with you every step of the way. 

On the other hand, just think of what your life will be like for the next thirty years (if he makes it that long): occasionally going out to dinner or a movie and watching a couple hours of tv with him every damn night until you want to put your foot through it. No affection and no sex.

Think of the movie "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" - you'll become Bette Davis and he'll become Joan Crawford. You don't want to become so resentful and bitter that you wind up serving him a dead bird on a platter.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> LMS, whether I agree or disagree with your decision really doesn't matter... what matters is how you healthily move through it.
> 
> When I was going thought my divorce and still living in the same house (3.5 months) I focused on my fears and meditated my backside off. I practiced kindness while removing the norms that 28 years had brought and progressively buffered each and every one with an action of separation, a walk, then meditation.
> 
> ...



I like that - removing norms from 28 years - and a positive action to go with that. I will remember that. Great strategy!


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Can't help with the forum for just chatting; but, you have to realize that this is your life and you will have to do the work. People have been telling you to spend as little time at home as possible so you won't be exposed to his hostility. How does staying in bed all day promote your cause?
> 
> You have been vacillating for 4 years because of this very reason. You don't know how to do things by yourself. Take yourself to the library or a bookstore. Nobody is going to be able to take you by the hand and walk with you every step of the way.
> 
> ...


Well, he is upstairs the whole time while I am at home in the bedroom, so I am avoiding the hostility. But yes, during the week I am at work and its better. I actually seem to do well during the work week, but weekends are indeed ROUGH. I definitely want to see this through and NOT GIVE UP and go back - but I will admit it is HARD, and I am NOT used to being able to function without the relationship I have with him. I had very little time after college until he and I met, so am truly NOT used to functioning independently, even though I should be. YES - i will try to keep that visual in mind - It hasn't changed in years, I gave it time - YEARS. I can feel good that I didn't just out of the blue make a rash decision. It is definitely HARD. I am going to do my best. Step by step, day by day. That's all I can figure to do.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since you know the weekends will be hard for you, start thinking during the week of things you can do on the weekends. Scan your local paper for any activities that will be going on - a fair or craft show or something that will get you out of the house. Michael's craft stores hold classes on Saturdays. Maybe you can find an interest in something they're putting on.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Since you know the weekends will be hard for you, start thinking during the week of things you can do on the weekends. Scan your local paper for any activities that will be going on - a fair or craft show or something that will get you out of the house. Michael's craft stores hold classes on Saturdays. Maybe you can find an interest in something they're putting on.


Such a SIMPLE idea - why in the world could I not muster enough brain cells to think of it? In my work life I am educated, logical, and have good management and creativity skills. Why in the world could my brain not come up with something as simple as this? YES..............that is a great idea, Blondi. Going to see what I can do to stay busier on weekends. I surely hope my thought processes start to improve.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Take a cake decorating class. Then take it to your local old folks home and serve it to them and chat them up on the weekends.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> Take a cake decorating class. Then take it to your local old folks home and serve it to them and chat them up on the weekends.


Now that is a cool idea! :nerd:


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people deal with divorce easier than others do but it's still a struggle for the majority of people. And it's especially difficult when you're very sensitive to others (not to mention the problems involved in dealing with someone like him). While you are living together, you need to spend as much time as possible away from home. Find things to do that take you out on the weekend. Window shop for the things you want to change in the house when he's gone (new bedding, etc.). 

I had a small notebook that related to the divorce. I took it everywhere so I could add things as I thought of them. Included were lists of things I needed to do and lists of things I wanted to do. Every time I crossed something off my list I felt that I was making progress. 

Time will feel as though it's moving very slowly but soon it will be over. Focus on the future.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What has his response been this week to the divorce?


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

I think you can personally message people here on this forum. I'll bet there is a female member that would chat with you when needed. You could also join my task force on Boom Beach as we BS all the time but you have to be a Crimson Tide football fan and thats about all we talk about - we are not too deep but sometimes thats good :smile2:


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Some people deal with divorce easier than others do but it's still a struggle for the majority of people. And it's especially difficult when you're very sensitive to others (not to mention the problems involved in dealing with someone like him). While you are living together, you need to spend as much time as possible away from home. Find things to do that take you out on the weekend. Window shop for the things you want to change in the house when he's gone (new bedding, etc.).
> 
> I had a small notebook that related to the divorce. I took it everywhere so I could add things as I thought of them. Included were lists of things I needed to do and lists of things I wanted to do. Every time I crossed something off my list I felt that I was making progress.
> 
> Time will feel as though it's moving very slowly but soon it will be over. Focus on the future.


I think what makes it harder is that I do still love him. Would be different if he had done something to make me really mad or some big drama. This has just been an ongoing issue that never got resolved. I like the notebook idea - and I'm already a list-maker. I always feel a sense of accomplishment crossing stuff off my many lists


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

SongoftheSouth said:


> I think you can personally message people here on this forum. I'll bet there is a female member that would chat with you when needed. You could also join my task force on Boom Beach as we BS all the time but you have to be a Crimson Tide football fan and thats about all we talk about - we are not too deep but sometimes thats good :smile2:



LOL, I would be lost with football. But thank you. I am sure in time it will get better. I just have my days. Right now there are more of those days than not............but I know it will get better.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Openminded said:


> What has his response been this week to the divorce?


Says' "you are the one that wants this" anytime there is discussion on something that isn't pleasant. Also told me not to make any smart comments or else he would seriously consider not signing and dragging things out  I thought that was kind of uncalled for.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Says' "you are the one that wants this" anytime there is discussion on something that isn't pleasant. Also told me not to make any smart comments or else he would seriously consider not signing and dragging things out  I thought that was kind of uncalled for.


Difficult time for both of you. There is gonna be hurt. anger, sadness etc..People say unfortunate things during these stressful moments they may not necessarily mean its just a reaction to the emotions. I hope the best for you guys. Its tough we all know.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

I am freaking out right now and feel like I am IN CRISIS. I know this is for the best, but I seriously don't know how I am going to do it. I can barely eat, have not left the house since coming home from work Friday night. I think he has already found another place to go and is packing up some of his stuff. For YEARS I have been begging him to WORK WITH ME. GO TO COUNSELING. HELP FIX US. This really hurts so bad.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I am freaking out right now and feel like I am IN CRISIS. I know this is for the best, but I seriously don't know how I am going to do it. I can barely eat, have not left the house since coming home from work Friday night. I think he has already found another place to go and is packing up some of his stuff. For YEARS I have been begging him to WORK WITH ME. GO TO COUNSELING. HELP FIX US. This really hurts so bad.


I know it hurts. I am sorry. I think this is great news if he found a place so quickly. Lean on the people in your life. Please don't isolate yourself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I am freaking out right now and feel like I am IN CRISIS. I know this is for the best, but I seriously don't know how I am going to do it. I can barely eat, have not left the house since coming home from work Friday night. I think he has already found another place to go and is packing up some of his stuff. For YEARS I have been begging him to WORK WITH ME. GO TO COUNSELING. HELP FIX US. This really hurts so bad.


I think it will be far better for you if he does leave so you can be free from the awful atmosphere and having to walk on eggshells. 
Also if you have little appetite get some healthy shakes.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

LilMiss you made your decision, placed your bet. Let the hand play. You will be ok and not alone.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Just to follow up. I have been off the site for a couple years but check back time to time. We are all banged up a bit, even the people who give the best advice. Everyone that posts has been hurt but we all recover. The best measure of success is probably to never come back again, but if we do it should be to help someone in crisis mode like you. If I can do anything to help just ask. I hope a couple of years from now you will be the one giving good advice to someone else!!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are experiencing the typical stress of ending a marriage. It's very difficult and you wish more than anything that things were different. But they aren't and so you have to get through this. And you will because the alternative is not something you can do the rest of your life. Keep telling yourself that.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I am freaking out right now and feel like I am IN CRISIS. I know this is for the best, but I seriously don't know how I am going to do it. I can barely eat, have not left the house since coming home from work Friday night. I think he has already found another place to go and is packing up some of his stuff. For YEARS I have been begging him to WORK WITH ME. GO TO COUNSELING. HELP FIX US. This really hurts so bad.




Stay strong and stay the course. Can you imagine going through this all over again months or a year down the road?? All of us who have been where you are had struggles and panic and doubt and fears. Just remind yourself where you want to end up, remind yourself of your unhappiness and his constant manipulation. 

You are stronger than you realize. 


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh and feel free to PM me anytime. 


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

LilMiss- you’re stronger than you feel right now. So many of us have gone before you and survived, you can too. It’s hard but nothing worth fighting for is ever easy. Come here everyday and vent, as much as you need to. Don’t bottle up the negative energy, do what you have to do to get it out. 

Our bodies can do all kinds of weird things under enormous stress, I began breaking out in hives and had so much trouble sleeping. Take care of yourself, see your doctor for help and the idea to see a therapist during this time is a good one. Make your self eat! The last thing you need right now is to neglect your body. This is all hard enough on your mind, that part can’t be helped but you can definitely take good care of your body during this time and it will give you something to focus on.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I think what makes it harder is that I do still love him. Would be different if he had done something to make me really mad or some big drama. This has just been an ongoing issue that never got resolved. I like the notebook idea - and I'm already a list-maker. I always feel a sense of accomplishment crossing stuff off my many lists


Having lots of affairs should make you really mad. YOu see he has ground you down so much you are like the proverbial frog in the pot of boiling water. He has turned your circumstances into a 'new normal.' You should be hopping mad and doing everything to dump his ass.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Oh and feel free to PM me anytime.


Same.:smile2:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

> Would be different if he had done something to make me really mad or some big drama.


So all his serial cheating over the years, the lying, the sneaking, the emotional and verbal abuse aren't enough?

I fear you've lowered the bar SO much at this point that you no longer know what a healthy relationship actually looks like. :frown2:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I would need to go back into LMS's older threads, but I dont think her H has been a cheater...at least, not that she has known about...


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> He doesn't like the house. Although, he liked it well enough when she paid for it lock, stock and barrel with money from an inheritance. He never had to sweat coming up with a down payment or mortgage payments. He will now be free to pick out and pay for his own little piece of heaven.


Doesn't sound all that certain to me, but whatever.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I don't recall OP saying anything about her H cheating. @LilMissSunshine can you clarify?


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> I don't recall OP saying anything about her H cheating. @LilMissSunshine can you clarify?



Thanks, everyone for the support...................one day at a time.

No, H never cheated.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

I know what you’re going through, but you’re stronger than me, you have made the decision that you’re worth more than what you’re getting out of your marriage.
I’ve been a fence sitter for many years to the point where I’m tolerating more and more because it’s my “ new normal “
It is a hard thing to to when you still love him, but you have tried everything possible to get him to go to counselling and work with you on this.
He hasn’t which means you’re fighting this alone. So not fair, but it’s reality.
Please PM me or one of the other ladies that have offered ....it’s easier when you have support.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@LilMissSunshine how you doing? I’ve been worrying about you...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Hope you're feeling better this weekend.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

status?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So all his serial cheating over the years, the lying, the sneaking, the emotional and verbal abuse aren't enough?
> 
> I fear you've lowered the bar SO much at this point that you no longer know what a healthy relationship actually looks like. :frown2:


????????????? Eh??????????


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Update: I am still here, we are still living in the same house, papers pending he wants to get his own lawyer. He has presented me with the option of staying in the M minus the sexual part. Says he will address the anger and won't be angry if I don't bring up anything about not having a sexual relationship. I showed him where both biblicly and legally that was wrong (legally it can be considered "constructive abandonment"), and that I should not be made to feel guilty because over the years I have asked for a sexual relationship with him. He went crazy on me when I mentioned the part about legally it was wrong and called me a POS. At the risk of sounding like a dull, naive, wallflower, I will share that I am a conservative Christian and can never honestly recall saying a "bad" word - I would never speak to him like that. He says I 'made' him use that language by bringing up a controversial topic. I only brought it up when he asked to discuss something about the process of divorce.

I am speechless. I am sticking to my guns about moving forward with a D, but it still HURTS. If he could just turn it around and understand how this non-sexual thing has torn me down over the last however many years- the aching in my heart, feeling unwanted, unloved, etc. It feels horrible knowing he feels nothing for me there. And yet it feels horrible going through a divorce. I feel horrible if I stay, horrible if I leave. Will I ever NOT feel horrible?????? BAD no matter which way I turn.

I remain depressed, lost more weight, don't want to go outside of the house except for work. I cry multiple times a day. How is this the RIGHT decision when I am so upset by it? And WHY am I not livid that he called me "POS"???? SOOOO confused.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So he is staying true to form and trying to control you and everything else. No way in hell should you stay married to him, or stay in the same house any longer than absolutely necessary. You asked if you will ever NOT feel horrible, and the answer to that is a resounding YES. Once you get through to the other side of divorce and are free of his gaslighting, manipulation and the lack of intimacy. You will be free to feel how you feel without judgment, and to do what you want. You will have a chance to finally find a man who actually wants you and makes you feel desired. It will be a whole new world. Just please learn from this and never allow a man to treat you this way again. 

You know, I can’t help but have a nagging suspicion that he may be having an affair. His insistence about no sex or even talk of sex seems beyond odd to me, and very suspicious. I feel like maybe he wants to keep you around because you fill a need of taking care of home and for companionship, but doesn’t want sex so he is faithful to his AP. I could be wrong but I get a very bad vibe with all this. 

LMS I am so glad you came back with an update, you’ve been on my mind. Stick to your guns, girl... you will get through this and you will THRIVE. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Update: I am still here, we are still living in the same house, papers pending he wants to get his own lawyer. He has presented me with the option of staying in the M minus the sexual part. Says he will address the anger and won't be angry if I don't bring up anything about not having a sexual relationship. I showed him where both biblicly and legally that was wrong (legally it can be considered "constructive abandonment"), and that I should not be made to feel guilty because over the years I have asked for a sexual relationship with him. He went crazy on me when I mentioned the part about legally it was wrong and called me a POS. At the risk of sounding like a dull, naive, wallflower, I will share that I am a conservative Christian and can never honestly recall saying a "bad" word - I would never speak to him like that. He says I 'made' him use that language by bringing up a controversial topic. I only brought it up when he asked to discuss something about the process of divorce.
> 
> I am speechless. I am sticking to my guns about moving forward with a D, but it still HURTS. If he could just turn it around and understand how this non-sexual thing has torn me down over the last however many years- the aching in my heart, feeling unwanted, unloved, etc. It feels horrible knowing he feels nothing for me there. And yet it feels horrible going through a divorce. I feel horrible if I stay, horrible if I leave. Will I ever NOT feel horrible?????? BAD no matter which way I turn.
> 
> I remain depressed, lost more weight, don't want to go outside of the house except for work. I cry multiple times a day. How is this the RIGHT decision when I am so upset by it? And WHY am I not livid that he called me "POS"???? SOOOO confused.


Ever think your husband is gay? Being a conservative christian and all. Does he look at porn? 

Whatever, not your problem any more. Move on.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

@LilMissSunshine
Everything you are experiencing is normal. Let yourself feel each emotion and then let it pass. Don’t try to suppress those feelings.
Cry as much as you want, hit pillows, break plates.. whatever it takes to release those emotions.do it.
Journal everything. Writing everything down can be therapeutic..
Yes it seems rough right now, but so will another 30/40 years living the way you are living.
You can only go up from here.
Pm me ..
I’m closer to being in the same boat as you....strength in numbers. 
Hit the gym...go,for a walk, get out of the house as much as you can when he is there.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I'm not sure if this is even close to good advice but I'll throw it out there.

See a doctor about an antidepressant or Prozac or something. I'm not usually a proponent of medication but you sound like your rocking on the edge of a cliff.

Knocking that sexual desire edge off in this case might serve some help as well as those meds often do that.

Your doing the right thing ..... stay the plan. Your sunshine will return after these cloudy days are done. Your close...keep going.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Sunshine I'm a big tuff man but at the end of my twenty year marriage I cried like a baby, actually found myself sobbing a few times. Yet the marriage was terrible, I use to fantasize my wife would die in an accident so my misery would be over and the kids and I could live a happy life.

My stbxw thought my tears were over her, but that wasn't it. What upset me is what I believe is so upsetting for you, the realization this dream isn't going to come true. 

Sunshine you ever have such a bad nightmare that you wake up in tears or shaking from fear? That's kind of what the end of a marriage feels like, even if the ending is necessary its still scary and hurts. But how may times have you had good dreams? A dream you wake up laughing and wishing you could fall back to sleep and continue dreaming. 

Once you divorce, once you get that stressor(husband) out of your life you are free to start new dreams. As emotionally hard as things seem right now you are going to wake up one day smiling, relaxed and happy realizing your day is your own and you're going to make it a good one....and no one can stop you.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I am saying this as gently as I can. Although I know you are going forward with divorce, you need to stop wishing that he will conform to what you want as a husband And stop asking why things are the way they are. You need to accept that this is who he is and he will not change. To be clear, I am not saying you are wrong. You have every right to want intimacy with your husband. I do think once you accept it, it will help you in moving on. I feel like you are still stuck on the why's of the situation and I don't think it's helping you at this point. You need to stop navel gazing.

Hon, I know you kind of cringe when people call your soon to be ex husband abusive. But he is. Of course you are going to feel horrible all the time. Because you are still living with him. I guarantee you as soon as you are living separately, your hurt will fade. You will be able to start living for yourself and you will have to answer to no one and not walk on eggshells because of his anger. You will be downright giddy. Hang in there!!!!

Which brings me to my question. You say he wants to get his own lawyer. That's all fine and good, but why hasn't he gotten his own lawyer yet? Is he dragging his feet? You need to set an internal deadline for this. DO NOT TELL HIM! If he doesn't get a lawyer by say April 15th, have your attorney file the papers. That will force him to get his own lawyer. I will reiterate to you that your husband does NOT have your best interests at heart. Do not listen to him. Do not weigh his words against your thoughts. You are your own woman and you must forge ahead for you and your kids with the help of your lawyer, friends, and family. 

Are you seeing a therapist?

I'm glad you came back to update us.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cooper said:


> My stbxw thought my tears were over her, but that wasn't it. What upset me is what I believe is so upsetting for you, the realization this dream isn't going to come true.


It's this ^^^^

Divorce is the end of the dream and the fantasy. It means that the things you originally hoped and dreamed for and thought were going to happen, never will. That is sad and a period of mourning for that is assumed. 

But that sadness does not mean that you are doing the wrong thing and it doesn't mean that you won't be even sadder and more miserable than if you stay, because in your case the sadness, the misery, the abuse, the hurt and the toxicity will be worse if you stay.

Divorce in this case is the bad tasting medicine that you have to choke down in order to get well. 

It will taste bad going down and it will have a short period of aftertaste for a little bit and then you will start to recover and get better and in a surprisingly short period of time you will start to feel great.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Cooper said:


> I use to fantasize my wife would die in an accident so my misery would be over and the kids and I could live a happy life.


I'm ashamed to admit that I fantasized this too... :frown2:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Update: I am still here, we are still living in the same house, papers pending he wants to get his own lawyer. He has presented me with the option of staying in the M minus the sexual part. Says he will address the anger and won't be angry if I don't bring up anything about not having a sexual relationship. I showed him where both biblicly and legally that was wrong (legally it can be considered "constructive abandonment"), and that I should not be made to feel guilty because over the years I have asked for a sexual relationship with him. He went crazy on me when I mentioned the part about legally it was wrong and called me a POS. At the risk of sounding like a dull, naive, wallflower, I will share that I am a conservative Christian and can never honestly recall saying a "bad" word - I would never speak to him like that. * He says I 'made' him use that language* by bringing up a controversial topic. I only brought it up when he asked to discuss something about the process of divorce.
> 
> I am speechless. I am sticking to my guns about moving forward with a D, but it still HURTS. If he could just turn it around and understand how this non-sexual thing has torn me down over the last however many years- the aching in my heart, feeling unwanted, unloved, etc. It feels horrible knowing he feels nothing for me there. And yet it feels horrible going through a divorce. I feel horrible if I stay, horrible if I leave. Will I ever NOT feel horrible?????? BAD no matter which way I turn.
> 
> I remain depressed, lost more weight, don't want to go outside of the house except for work. I cry multiple times a day. How is this the RIGHT decision when I am so upset by it? And WHY am I not livid that he called me "POS"???? SOOOO confused.


This is the excuse of every wife-beater on the planet. Blame the victim to absolve themselves of their own heinous behavior. The only POS in your home is him. He is a bully and a coward.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I remain depressed, lost more weight, don't want to go outside of the house except for work. I cry multiple times a day. How is this the RIGHT decision when I am so upset by it? And WHY am I not livid that he called me "POS"???? SOOOO confused.


Because this is what living with an abuser does to you - removes your self-worth, your indignation, your anger, and sometimes your ability to walk away. Good that you made that final step - the rest of it will come back in time, once you're away from him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're conflicted because you still think -- or hope -- he'll change. He won't.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Update: I am still here, we are still living in the same house, papers pending he wants to get his own lawyer.


 Because you cannot understand how this man's mind works, you believe him. He's lying to you. He is delaying because he doesn't want a divorce, not because he hasn't found an attorney. Stop listening to his manipulations and do what you know is right. File for divorce and let him respond. Do not wait for him for anything. What he is doing is a way to manipulate the situation. As a Christian, you know that 2 Timothy 1:7 says, "God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound mind." Your husband is trying to take the power that God has given you to live a life of victory. Don't give that away to your husband. He knows exactly what he is doing.



LilMissSunshine said:


> He has presented me with the option of staying in the M minus the sexual part. Says he will address the anger and won't be angry if I don't bring up anything about not having a sexual relationship. I showed him where both biblicly and legally that was wrong (legally it can be considered "constructive abandonment"), and that I should not be made to feel guilty because over the years I have asked for a sexual relationship with him. He went crazy on me when I mentioned the part about legally it was wrong and called me a POS. At the risk of sounding like a dull, naive, wallflower, I will share that I am a conservative Christian and can never honestly recall saying a "bad" word - I would never speak to him like that. He says I 'made' him use that language by bringing up a controversial topic. I only brought it up when he asked to discuss something about the process of divorce.


 Stop trying to explain anything to him or to teach him. That's what you are doing. He doesn't need you to teach him. Let him speak to the attorney he is suddenly going to have when he is served divorce papers. Look - I'm a conservative Christian as well, but that doesn't mean you have to let people walk all over you. Not even your husband. This is lie that many Christian women believe, but the Bible doesn't teach that at all. It would take far more than this space to unwind all that, but suffice it to say that you are responsible for your own life and you don't have to engage with someone who is oppressing you. What you are experiencing is called oppression. Name it and understand what is going on so you can avoid this trap in the future.



LilMissSunshine said:


> I am speechless. I am sticking to my guns about moving forward with a D, but it still HURTS. If he could just turn it around and understand how this non-sexual thing has torn me down over the last however many years- the aching in my heart, feeling unwanted, unloved, etc. It feels horrible knowing he feels nothing for me there. And yet it feels horrible going through a divorce. I feel horrible if I stay, horrible if I leave. Will I ever NOT feel horrible?????? BAD no matter which way I turn.


 You are filing for divorce because you are being mistreated. Your husband has abandoned the marriage, but he is gas lighting you by trying to get you to believe that this is all normal and you are the one with the problem. It is not normal and your are not the one with the problem. The reason you feel terrible isn't because you are filing for divorce, it's because your husband is mistreating you. The level of mistreatment you are experiencing is called oppression in the Bible, which is the same as abuse.
Once you get away from the abuser you should begin to feel better, but I recommend you get some therapy to help you through this trauma of the marriage, so you can heal.



LilMissSunshine said:


> I remain depressed, lost more weight, don't want to go outside of the house except for work. I cry multiple times a day. How is this the RIGHT decision when I am so upset by it? And WHY am I not livid that he called me "POS"???? SOOOO confused.


 Delaying the divorce is making this worse for you. Your husband doesn't care about how you feel. He just needs you to stay around for some reason. I suspect there is something deeply nefarious going on here. A couple of people have asked if he's gay or having an affair. I don't know you, but I have a really bad feeling about what is really going on. This reeks of a man who is using you as a cover.

Whatever is going on, your husband is behaving in an evil manner towards you. The Bible tells us to flee from evil, so stop the delays and run to the finish line. Get this divorce over with and be free of this evil.


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