# Advice to help me help my husband



## tee (Mar 6, 2012)

Ok never done this befor so I must be desperate. Have been married for 35 years, my husband has always been successful and has achieved a lot of recognition for his work. He is a control freak he does not like me saying this but he has to admit that he feels better when he makes all the decisions.
Now about six months a go a project that he was working on started to stress him out It started to fall behind schedule not through his fault but he lost the plot and at the time, the will to finish it. His bosses were not much help continually harassing him and finger pointing, as my husband said you could not do right for doing wrong.
He threatened to walk away several times to me saying he had had enough. He was losing sleep and came out in boils he went to the doctor a few times as he was not sleeping. Anyway at Christmas after another bout of verbal bullying he handed his notice in and walked away. The HRC were involved and they asked him if he wanted to pursue a claim but he said no. He did offer go back to work and finish his months notice. They said no. 
Now this is where the fun started. We did discuss the repercussions of walking away befor he did it. I told him that he would not work right away so he should to take some time off play golf walk the dogs ect. But no he started to stress even more than befor, started applying for minor roles like night porter in a hotel
( he is a construction project manager ) saying that we needed some money coming in ( we did not ) This went on for four weeks you would think that he was never going to work again he spent most of his spair time on the computer looking for work talking constantly about his dilema and saying that he was prepaired to do anything to get out of the rutt he was in Last week he applied for a site managers role and got it. He will have to get up a bit earlier as it will take him an hour to get there and he will be doing work that has not done for a long time but he is more that capable of. And his wage is good so you would think that he would now be happy..... but no he is still looking for reasons to complain and I am losing my patience . I have told him he is draging me down and I dont know how to handle him. I have done the arms around him approach I have been firm and told him to get a grip. what next. I dont want to spend my last years listening to him finding fault with everything. I have told him to go and see a doctor which he flatly refuses to do. I dont now what else I can do to help him. We live a very comfortable life style which i remind him of. We have a lovely family who are no trouble and have been so supportive with him but as I have told him they will start to avoid his calls if he caries on in this fashion. Any advice would be helpfull............... Stressed Lady xx


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

It sounds like he needs to get his confidence back up as he has been knocked down from his previous job and it's stressed him out, not to mention looking for new work. It's probably not the money he earns, but the pride he gets when he's working which is why he wanted to go back without a break.

My husband is a Safety Officer on a mine site and has had to deal with things like this a lot. Projects go haywire through management etc and he has to look for other more stable work. He gets very stressed. It affects everything.

So what exactly is he complaining about? He may have a bad mindset from the previous job that has affected him and his trust in employers or simply the enjoyment of work, and he's carrying it around into the new position.

All you can do for now as a suggestion is to lay off him for a bit about being fed up and ask him about his day, if he starts to ramble on about the negatives just say lightly 'tomorrow could be a better day' and move on. Don't be drawn into long discussions about it but listen quietly if he needs to vent. He's probably not looking for advice.

I found with my husband and I'd hinder a guess as with most men, work is very important. It's makes them feel like they are useful and providing for their family. A bad knock at work can really affect their self esteem. If you're husband had problems like coming out in boils and verbal bullying, he must have been under some pretty big stress. I don't think he has been able to move past this yet and gain himself and his confidence back.

If you think your husband is depressed, I'm not sure how to go about that if he refuses to talk to somebody about it but there are people here who can hopefully offer you some advice.

I know how it feels when they're being a total pain to everyone and you're all trying to help. I don't have any magic answers I wish I did. When my husband gets stressed at work it intergrates into our life because he works 3 weeks out of every month away and it's mostly what he thinks about. It's hard to snap them out of, especially when they don't see the effect it has on you. He sounds like he has been through a lot with his previous job so try to be as supportive and patient as you can for now and work it out together. I hope you can both get through this.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You must give him a chance to settle down in his new job. Try not to go on at him till then. Just let him be. If he is angry let him be. Dont argue with him. It will pass in time.


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## tee (Mar 6, 2012)

Many thanks for your support I totally agree with what you are trying to put across. Everything you say is correct. I have found it very hard these past couple of months and I have tried hard to support him and still am but boy does he make it hard.
For six months befor he left his job I use to dread the key in the door as I would then have to spend the next two hours discussing his day and everything that had gone wrong. he use to make out that everyone looked to him to put all the problems right when in fact that was not the truth. I know him well he is the type of person that will make a mountain out of a mole hill. He has always been the same and he even agrees he always sees the badside of things. He says that he expect the worst to happen and anything good is a bonus. When people say his cup is half empty I always say no he has nothing in his cup he is so negative When he left his job it was a nightmare I though he was going to be a happier but he was worse. I use to dread the evenings and now he was there all day talking about it over and over the same things. Its not as if it is me who keeps bring it up it is him I try to carry on as usuall im normally a very happy chatty person but im drained.
Now he has this new job but he has found out he will be working on an estate with drug addicts and bad sorts and he feels he will not cope with the problems that come with it, he is forseeing all the things that could go wrong. Tonight he has decided to tell them that he can not work for them and is now worrying all over again the implications of walking away he has only been there three days. 
Last week he was saying I would work anywhere and do anything just to get me out of this rut. But this is not the case. Tonight when he came home I said nothing but as he sat with his coffee he started again. with what have i done ect ect. I start off talking calmly but I end up shouting and This is somthing i have never done in all my thirty five years of marrage I feel i am losing the plot as i know nothing i say will make any differance. Whatever he does i can not see him happy at the moment. Its as though he is not even prepaired to try the job everything is just negative.
Well tomorrow is another day so lets see what it brings thanks again


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I really do understand what you're saying. My mother is very negative, she has a lot of depression and bad life experiences and if you tell her anything or something happens in her life, she always sees the downside and lists all the negatives.

My husband I'm finding lately is the same. Started with his new job last year that came with a lot of stress. He just worries about everything and if I talk to him about money or general conversation he seems to list the negatives and comes across as rude etc if I don't 'understand' which gets my back up everytime and I walk away saying 'until you have something positive to say, I don't want to hear it.' I will talk to him about anything but if he starts taking it out on me or going overboard with his worries and negative outlook I try to pull him up. He usually understands and tries but it's like the way he's programmed. Sometimes nothing can get through to them and they can't see how they're behaving. It's exhausting. I miss the laid back, easy going man he was before all this stress. Or maybe he was always like this and it's just amplified now.

Is there any chance you can take a holiday, or a break from the normal routine? Has he always been like this, and it's just gotten worse?

It's incredibly hard to change someone's outlook especially when they're in that way of thinking. A pessimistic attitude. He could be depressed, do you think he would consider counselling for himself? It would probably be beneficial if he engaged properly but I know he may not be willing to try it. Maybe suggest he talk it out with someone else like a counsellor as it just makes the two of you fight and argue, and you want to have a happy relationship and him to be happy too.

Just know to try not to let it affect your state of mind as that is the one thing you have control over. Stop engaging in fights or any negative conversations. Just try to walk away and tell him you'll speak to him when he can lighten up a bit. Life is supposed to be fun too.

Just know you're not alone


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## tee (Mar 6, 2012)

Thanks again. Its nice to talk to someone thats relates to my husbands problem. It is a negative attitude I just wish I could change it life would be so much more relaxed. At the moment I just seem to have a permanent headache. I keep thinking of jumping ship I have told him life is to short to create more problems. We have no money worries he could take a year off if he wanted to thats why I encouraged him to walk away from his job. We have a small house in spain which we are going to in a few weeks but I had to twist his arm and pay for the flights myself as he does not want to spend any money. When we go over there he has suggested we stay in most nights as he does not want to spend more than he has to. And its things like this that make me question being here. There is no need for this its as though he has been out of work for twelve months and will never find another job. I hear him telling people that he has burnt his bridges and no one will employ him in this area which is a load of rubbish. I know he has a reputation for being a stickeler for rules but he has achieved some good work through being like this and I know he has gained a lot of respect. But because he walked away from his last job ( and this is the first time he has done this ) it has really effected him but if he had stayed there it would have killed him with stress, he does not or will not try and understand this everyone has said the same to him and no one can convince him. My husband and I are not showy people we keep ourselves we have two fantastic lads who are no problemwe are in our later years and he worries more now than when we had no money. Well we will see tonight he said he will talk to the boss and relay his fears about this job, they may talk him into staying watch this space xxxxx


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I wonder why he is so down on himself? When you go to Spain, go out and live it up. You can't take the money with you and as you said you can afford it so try to get him to relax and live a little. I know that's easier said than done. But this is a holiday, what's the point of working for all that money if you can't enjoy it.

You know him better than anyone, I hope you find the angle to work from to get through to him. Your feelings count too. Does he really understand how fed up you are? Maybe he needs a bit of a wake up call to shake him out of his own thoughts and feelings so he can really hear yours. If he is just a negative sort of person, I still to this day cannot change my mother. I try but it's hard work. She's just not happy in life. Some people don't always look on the bright side of life. Your husband has you doesn't he? He just needs to open his eyes and see what he does have right in front of him.


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## tee (Mar 6, 2012)

Yes thanks again for that, just like your Mother he is in general a negative person. He went into work this morning and told the boss today that he could not do the job it was not his field
( and technically it is not )
He could have done the job but as he says he could see all sorts of problems arising so decided it was not for him. So now he is back at home saying the same things that there is just no work out there for him. He knows he is getting me down with his constant negativeness and he says he can not help it. I have told him not to talk about it which he will find very hard because that is all he wants to talk about. When we go to Spain he may lighten up. I think I feel very guilty myself as i know we have so much more that most people and we should be enjoying ourselves I just wish my husband could see that.
XXXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXXX


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

He can help it if he wants to. It's so frustrating when people acknowledge problems and then say I can't do anything about it. Of course you can. Talk to a counsellor, do volunteer work so you can see outside of your own world, meditate to learn to relax, engage in more hobbies that interest you and you have fun with. Lots of things he can do if he really is willing. And he needs to be, for you and your happiness and your marriage. He needs to want to change his attitude as it's affecting everything. Unfortunately when people have been in this cycle and frame of mind for so long it's like second nature. I hope things have been going ok. I feel your frustration


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