# Divorce Just Started-Need to Vent



## After28Years (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm new here, been reading posts for a few weeks, gotten some really good thoughts from all of you. Today I really need to vent. (I haven't vented to anybody except my sisters and I can't keep venting to them every day.)
Married HS sweetheart in '83. Our 28th anniversary was 10 mos ago. The very day of our anniversary, husband told me he wanted a divorce, had fallen in love with a 25-yr old (he's 50), was leaving me, as soon as possible. -Just 9 months before that day, he came to me & said these words: 'I love you so much, I am so excited we're about to be grandparents, I can't wait for our next 25 years, I will always love you & take care of you,' ...etc. Our first 25 years were very rocky. He was abusive to me and our 3 boys, was an absent dad, couldn't stand family life, was cruel and heartless to us most of those years, -I considered myself a 'single-married-mom' because I did everything, he did nothing, except work. I stuck it out, tried to make the best of it, prayed, etc. But one thing he never did was cheat on me. Then our oldest son who was born with congenital heart defects, began to suffer and deteriorate at age 16, we had to put him on the heart transplant list, -by then I had to stay with husb. solely to ensure a transplant for our son (through husb.'s insurance.) Our son deteriorated for 5 long horrible years, passed away 6 years ago. It took me about 2 years of grieving (and keeping on for the other 2 boys, helping them finish high school & helping them off to college) -After that 2 years I slowly started to function again, had to find a new 'purpose' in life other than 'being mom'- started as a teacher's aide and then my youngest son got married and gave me a beautiful granddaughter, -so I found a new purpose. -Now, what to do with the marriage. -He'd made it so clear for 28 years that he hated being a husband and father, -so now I asked him point blank, 'do we stay together now or not- what do you want?' He adamantly said he Wanted to stay together, he'd make up for the bad years, he'd turn around, etc. -So I hung in some more. 
FF to a year ago- he was changing into someone I did not recognize, -he walked in and told me about his 25-yr old he was planning to marry after he divorced me, -Totally threw me into an alternate reality. The husband I'd known for 28 years literally went on a business trip, got killed by a robot who looked exactly like him, and the Robot Husband came back. That was bad enough, but over the past 10 months more & more horrible things started to surface. (won't go into it all) ... -he didn't just have 1 affair, ...slept with at least 6 young girls; -had friends at his job he emailed every day & upon reading (he allowed me to,) -every email full of sexual filth and 'gay-jokes'; ...and checking his phone & computer pulled up lots of pornography.
We had gone to church together, we taught sunday school together. He was Always a bad husband & dad, but never any sexual sin. This was all new to me.
The main point being, HE was the one telling me he is divorcing me, right now, etc.
...So, ...FF to where I am today: The papers just got filed Friday night, I have an excellent lawyer, good church support, wonderful family support, and so far great support from my 2 sons, now 27 and 23. (That has been the 1 'incredible-joy-thing' that's come out of this, both my sons have showered me with love, 'mom we will be here for you, we will take care of you, you are an awesome mother,' ... (never heard that until now! sometimes it takes a while.) -Anyway, ... I am so glad I found this forum, there are times I can call on my 'support network' and I pray and read books and talk to people, and do everything I can think of, --but then I go to bed and wake up at midnight, and I need to talk to someone.
(...Sorry so long, I DO have a point/question...) I seem to be doing okay unbelievably, taking one day at a time, trying not to think 'future' or get overwhelmed, -The one thing that just Wouldn't let me Sleep tonight, is this: My lawyer told me 'have no contact with him' so i haven't. -But he has been constantly calling/texting my 2 sons, -starting with, 'oh hey, just want to see how you are,' etc... but ending up Pumping them for information... about me, ...talking about the divorce, ...and telling them that whatever I'm saying is not 'really true' and I'm 'exaggerating', --THIS MAKES ME FURIOUS!! First of all he has no clue how much it is hurting them, not only finding out their parents are divorcing, but there is something about boys, -Boys have an intense need to 'look up to' their fathers, -and I always tried to keep it that way, for the boys' sakes, -and to find out suddenly that your father is a horrible... whatever, ...liar,...pornographer,...evil person, whatever,...that is very hard for a son to grasp. Very Hard. It ties in with their own self-esteem, etc... At first I anguished over whether to even tell my boys what was going on, but we are close and of course they both asked me, what's wrong mom, so I had to tell them. -Then I tried (like always) to 'cushion it' and not tell them the Whole Ugly truth, -but all that did was make them angry with me for divorcing because they couldn't understand the situation. -so as much as i didn't want to, i ended up having to tell them both exactly what happened, even though it broke my heart, -I don't feel bad about it now, because #1.They are 27 and 23, and, #2. I TOLD THE TRUTH!! 
...So, ...they were told the truth, came to my aid, etc., -but now that hubby has moved out (just 5 days ago), he has been calling & texting them, trying to 'spin' things to his advantage and make them think I'm lying.
...I know I can't be the only one who's gone through this. It doesn't Surprise me, -He Never has Truly cared about his sons, (which I will NEVER understand,) -He is only out for Himself, He has absolutely NO contact with his family (though I tried through the years to get him to,) -He has absolutely NO real friends, (just associates), HE has NO relationship with God (he stated this), -so right now he's feeling all alone and scared I guess, and he's reaching out to the only 2 people he 'thinks' he loves. 
But he has NO IDEA how hurtful and Selfish what he's doing is, -it's hard enough they had to accept this, ...now he's confusing them even more by telling them 'i'm exaggerating', -they're still supporting me but they've called me over the weekend with lots of new doubts, questions, etc. -
My question is: -what on earth can I do? -he is using them as 'middle-men' and hurting them, and i can't do anything about it! -Do I write them long emails, send them the 'proof' I have (which I don't want to 'cause it's gross), -to Force them to believe me??
-Or do I just hold this anger in, wait for time, and hope the Truth will eventually come out? -I would do that in a heartbeat...I would do Anything for my boys, ...The only Problem i'm having is, ....this is Hard enough on me, -in every way imaginable: spiritual, emotional, financial, physical, .... the one thing I don't think I can handle is knowing that the 4 people I love most in the World, (my 2 sisters and my 2 boys-) --Don't Believe Me!! I don't know if I can get through this mentally and emotionally, -if my own family Doesn't believe me!! (my sisters do.) I just can't bear the thought of the boys being 'confused' into believing his lies and turning on me. 
Help!! Any advice/thoughts- Much Appreciated!! -After28Years
(ps. any emails would be so welcomed: [email protected])


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

This is a very tricky situation. Whatever your H has done, he is still their father and you need to be extremely careful not to damage that relationship. The best thing your sons could do is to tell their father that they love him and want to maintain a relationship with him, but that, just as they would not accept any criticism of him from you, they will not accept any criticism of you from him and , if it continues, they will stop taking his calls or opening his emails. Of course, this depends on your sons' willingness to do this and I don't know how you would approach it with them. 

Your husband sounds like a real piece of work.


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## After28Years (Aug 21, 2012)

Today was weird. I actually had alot of feelings of relief, and even, happiness. Our marriage has been so awful for soooo many years, and i have done everything in my power to try, -and this last year He gave me Every reason fathomable to initiate divorce; spiritual, emotional, legal, -everything. I do hate divorce and i do sometimes get scared of what['s going to happen- what will the process be like, -will he turn into my worst mortal enemy in court and lie, will i get a job that pays enough to provide for myself, (I'm 47 and been a stay at home mom for 28 years), i have all those worries. but i took the time to make sure that im sure that im sure, i am 150% sure, ...before i did this. i have an excellent lawyer. i have my church support and my family support actually, i[ve been feeling guilty thinking, 'i should be sobbing, mad, angry, going bezerk, etc.' -and i'm not! well, not yet. the papers have been filed, we haven['t gone through the 'process' yet, and i have no idea what it entails; i think it's actually good for me because if i knew what was going to happen, i'd be terrified. right now i'm just taking it one day at a time. Is it normal to feel some relief, finally initiating divorce after 28 years of a horrible marriage? -i hope so, my brain thinks so, it's just my emotions having trouble keeping up with my brain. -i am scared sometimes of what is going to happen, nobody knows: it could be an 'okay' process; it could be an 'up and down' process; or it could be that i'm heading into the worst most horrible thing i'[ve ever had to go through. nobody knows but God. -that is what I'm hanging on to right now- 'God. I have to trust that He is totally aware and involved with what'[s happening, that He loves me,, and that He won't give me more than me & Him together, can handle.
I feel guilty though, i feel like i should be crying, sobbing, etc., instead all i've felt is relief. maybe the crying comes later?
anyway, today was a good day all in all. -And I haven't been able to say that in a Long, Long, time.  -God bless you all.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

You're feeling relief because a situation that has been extremely stressful for a very long time is coming to an end. Sounds normal to me.

This awful situation is ending because you had the courage to act. Give yourself a pat on the back, hold your head high and step confidently into your new life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes, after a marriage like yours it’s normal to feel the way you do. You grieved for the loss of your relationship and your husband a long time ago. 

On the topic of showing your sons and your sisters the evidence you have. 

First off make copies of everything you have and put the originals somewhere safe where your husband will not find them. Then when your sons and/or sisters question you about whether or not you are exaggerating just tell them that they are welcome to look through the evidence you have any time they want. They can look at it and arrive at their own conclusion. Also tell them that the evidence is just the tip of the ice burg. It’s what you could print off or somehow capture.

You should also tell your sons that he’s their father. You understand that they will continue to have a relationship with him. Just ask them to tell him that they do not want to be in the middle of the divorce. They do need to pay some attention to him or he is going to become unbearable. Right now he is feeling like you have the children and he has to fight for them.


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## eldubya (Aug 23, 2012)

Hello After28Years! Your situation sounds similar to mine, so just some thoughts that have started to hit. First it sounds like you were "unevenly yoked" in the marriage. Although this sounds very old fashion, I think the picture is appropriate. Picture two oxen trying to get a job done. One of the oxen is getting distracted by all the green grass nearby and wants to stop for a snack. The other oxen is trying her best to move forward and get the job done, but has to pull the distracted partner along. The term applies Biblically to a marriage in which one partner has faith, the other does not. We are reminded in the scriptures that the partner with faith "sanctifies" the marriage, and if the unbelieving partner wants out, it is not a sin to let him go. I found this a relief that since I did not initiate the divorce, I have not sinned (although I admit I am a weak human being and need God's grace daily to live).
Peace be with you!


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## After28Years (Aug 21, 2012)

Thanks for your advice, everyone. This forum has been really helpful for me.  These past 2 weeks have been one heck of a rollercoaster ride. (from what i've read, it's just starting.) Once hubby got served with the papers, i felt some reluef, and this whole week I've actually been Really Happy! Like happier than I've felt in a looooong time. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. Now i'm realistic too; I know this is going to take time & I can expect good days, blah days, & horrible days. I'm just focusing on 'one day at a time' so I don't get overwhelmed. So I've been doing good all week ... then today the papers came from my lawyer- the divorce petition, and the first court date (hearing.) When I opened & read it, I had to take a Deep breath ... I felt like I was gonna be sick. -Is that normal? This divorce was nit my choice, my husband has carried on with his 'girlfriend' and lying about it for a year- i gave him a whole Year to show me ant sign at all of him wanting our marriage, but it never happened. I'm 150% positive I'm doing the right thing, -I've been feeling happy all week- -but just to see it in writing, 'Your court Hearing Date is august 28th, -enclosed is the Divorce Petition-' just to see it in writing, after 28 years, it threw me back into depression. and I know it's probably stupid, but i'm finding myself worrying about him, is he okay, etc. 
Anyway, ... thanks all for letting me vent, it helps so much
And thanks for the good advice. God bless - After28Years
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

No, its not stupid to worry about him. You were with him for a long time. It shows that you are a caring person. You know you are doing the right thing. Seeing it in black and white makes it seem more real. Your reactions are quite natural. Everything will be fine.


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## After28Years (Aug 21, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> No, its not stupid to worry about him. You were with him for a long time. It shows that you are a caring person. You know you are doing the right thing. Seeing it in black and white makes it seem more real. Your reactions are quite natural. Everything will be fine.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## After28Years (Aug 21, 2012)

After28Years said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you so much Frostflower. That really helps me.  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

After28Years said:


> Thank you so much Frostflower. That really helps me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're welcome.


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## eldubya (Aug 23, 2012)

Greetings After28!
It is probably normal to sorta "freak out" when served with papers. The legalese sounds like you have done something criminal and they are coming after you. My STBXH threw the papers at me when I was sick in bed with the flu, and demanded that I sign them there on the spot or the sheriff would come get me. His expectation was that I would not go get a lawyer of my own, which I did ASAP. You will need to get a good legal counsel of your own, one who makes sure you get an equitable settlement. I don't know what state you are in, but there are two models of divorce: Community Property and Equitable Distribution. They are very different in how they handle the financial assets, but realize that both models basically treat divorce as "no fault". Bad behaviour by one spouse, including infidelity, does not mean more assets for the other spouse, for example.
Also, it sounds scary about going to court. In my state, the judges really don't want to hear (another) divorce case, so they are happy if the lawyers file the paperwork for review. I have heard in states that require a hearing, there is usually a prelim hearing just so that both sides get to hash out issues with legal council present, face to face. It is a chance sort of to vent, but also hear whether your issues matter in the eye of the law.
Hope this helps!


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## After28Years (Aug 21, 2012)

Hey there everyone. Time for me to blog again. This forum has been really invaluable to me this past month going through my divorce. I love reading everyone's situations and so many are similar to mine, it has really kept my sanity and made me feel much less alone. 
Well, after 28 years, our first ( I guess? I don't know how in the world this goes-) -Court Hearing is in 2 DAYS!!!!! aaack! I have an Excellent lawyer, which is such a blessing, -she's been working really hard to get this going & through as soon as possible, and I'm glad for that. -it was just a 'deep breath' moment yesterday, getting the actual papers in the mail, saying 'Your divorce hearing is set for Monday...' -woah. -But, I guess I'm glad, I'm as prepared as I'll ever be, might as well get on with it.
I've already waited a whole year, given my stupid husband a whole year, to 'prove', 'repent', 'keep his promises', 'show me he is sorry & wants the marriage like he says', etc.... (all lies.) -i think that's pretty patient of me. And even since I filed the papers, the past 2 months, almost Every day God shows me something else, another sign, just to confirm to me, -I am doing absolutely the right thing. not only the right thing, -i never wanted this at all, -I am being forced to do this. at least i have a clean conscience.
My goal for today's blog is to get a little anger out at my stupid husband for how he's been acting this week. I've read some posts on here that talk about how a little righteous anger can be a good thing, if controlled, -to use as fuel to keep you doing what you need to do. So that's what I'm doing. -plus, it just makes me FURIOUS what he's been doing this week, (& my sisters are tired of hearing me rant!)  It doesn't Surprise me, heck, not at all, -not with what he's been doing for the past year, -but it still angers me.
Friday night he got served the papers at his work. Of course he was shocked, mad, confused, and I'm sure a bit scared. because that night he sent me this 'oh please i'm sorry' -text: "I am losing my best friend...I know the reason you're ending the marriage is completely my fault...I want us to stay nice to each other so that there can be the possibility of a reconciliation someday...if there is a chance to put our family back together I will jump at it...I will hope someday to marry you again...I really do want to be with you for the next 25 years..." -Doesn't that sound all nice and sincere? I actually started to let myself believe it and feel sorry for him for a while there. ...
-Then this week, I checked his emails (he's allowing me to, i don't know why,) - and found out (-big surprise-) -he's been ABSOLUTELY lying to me, AGAIN, and living a complete double-life, (AGAIN.) -Seriously I do feel sorry for him because it's either one of two things: 1)either he's so evil and can lie so much now without even having a conscience that he can't even tell right from wrong anymore, or...2)he is seriously szichophrenic and has 2 personalities.
All his work messages and emails to his 'work buddies' this week, they talked back and forth about his 'thailand girlfriend' and his 'witch of a wife' who's divorcing poor him, who's 'loving seeing him suffer' and is 'out to get revenge and get every penny from him' and how he's still carrying on with his 'thailand 25-yr old girlfriend'. ALL THIS WEEK. It did not surprise me in the least. because this is exactly what he has been doing for the past year. -but it DOES anger me. i think that's normal. 
How can he be saying this stuff to me one day, -and then go to work the next day and tell everybody what he told them, they all feel 'so sorry' for him (the emails said), -oh, boo-hoo. If they only knew the truth. That's what makes me mad.
I just read a post where Frostflower was talking about going up to her husband's work and shocking them with the truth of what her husband's been doing, and they were all flabbergasted, and hugged her, and were on her side, and she said something like, 'i guess if he hasn't told anyone at work that means he's ashamed of himself.' That just made me realize that since MY stupid husband has been doing the exact OPPOSITE, -he's obviously NOT ASHAMED one bit, -he either has convinced himself somehow that he's done NOTHING wrong, (-btw it's not just this 'affair' the past year, if you read my first post, he's been an abusive jerk for 28 years, -in fact weirdly enough, -I begged God even BEFORE the affair thing, 'god this is so miserable and he's treated me like less than garbage for 28 years, -i can't do this anymore, -god if he's not going to change and turn around and be a good person, ,-then please let him walk through that door and say 'i'm divorcing you.' I really did pray that. So that I would KNOW that I know that I know, that he's the one who would divorce me, so that it wouldn't be me being the 'bad guy', and him being the 'boo-hoo' victim. -Lot of good that did. He STILL did wrong, and he's STILL the 'boo-hoo' victim.) Anyway, -he's convinced himself he's done nothing wrong, or he has split-personality disorder and something in his brain allows him to be 2 completely different people.
I just had to get that off my chest. -Thank you also for the person who posted about how getting the Divorce papers is kinda scary. that helped me alot. -You're right, there's so much 'legalese' it makes you feel like you've committed a crime and they're gonna come throw you in jail or something. -The worst thing that could happen to me after all this is said and done, -is that we'll go to court (-and this is what I'm thinking will probably happen-) ,I'll say 'he's the bad guy- look what he did' and husband will say 'she's the bad guy-look what she did' - and the judge won't care, he'll say, "you're both bad- just divorce each other, husband-you keep your job and fend for yourself; wife, you go get a job and fend for yourself. goodbye.'
Even if that happens and I don't ever get a penny from him, I will BE OKAY. I WILL get a job. even if it's a low-paying one. I will get a small apartment, that is FINE with me. I am not materialistic. all I need is food, clothing, shelter, and a purpose in life. the BEST thing that will come of this, is that I finally have that horrible weight lifted off of me, of being with this evil, negative, abusive jerk every single day, dreading every night and weekend because i can't stand being around him, now I can enjoy my own space, even if it's a tiny apartment, i can have peace, i can make friends, -and with god's help I know i will be okay. (-I just had to get my anger out at what he did this week.) 
Thanks you guys for listening. God bless. -After28Years


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

After28Years said:


> Hey there everyone. Time for me to blog again. This forum has been really invaluable to me this past month going through my divorce. I love reading everyone's situations and so many are similar to mine, it has really kept my sanity and made me feel much less alone.
> Well, after 28 years, our first ( I guess? I don't know how in the world this goes-) -Court Hearing is in 2 DAYS!!!!! aaack! I have an Excellent lawyer, which is such a blessing, -she's been working really hard to get this going & through as soon as possible, and I'm glad for that. -it was just a 'deep breath' moment yesterday, getting the actual papers in the mail, saying 'Your divorce hearing is set for Monday...' -woah. -But, I guess I'm glad, I'm as prepared as I'll ever be, might as well get on with it.
> I've already waited a whole year, given my stupid husband a whole year, to 'prove', 'repent', 'keep his promises', 'show me he is sorry & wants the marriage like he says', etc.... (all lies.) -i think that's pretty patient of me. And even since I filed the papers, the past 2 months, almost Every day God shows me something else, another sign, just to confirm to me, -I am doing absolutely the right thing. not only the right thing, -i never wanted this at all, -I am being forced to do this. at least i have a clean conscience.
> My goal for today's blog is to get a little anger out at my stupid husband for how he's been acting this week. I've read some posts on here that talk about how a little righteous anger can be a good thing, if controlled, -to use as fuel to keep you doing what you need to do. So that's what I'm doing. -plus, it just makes me FURIOUS what he's been doing this week, (& my sisters are tired of hearing me rant!)  It doesn't Surprise me, heck, not at all, -not with what he's been doing for the past year, -but it still angers me.
> ...


Print those emails to his buddies and give a copy to your lawyer. They are part of the whole picture.

He is trying to play you for a fool. Don't fall for it. His expressions of wanting to e with you are obviously false.

I don't know what happens in court, but don't go in saying he's the bad guy. It will only reflect poorly on you. Whatever happens, stay on the high road.


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## After28Years (Aug 21, 2012)

Frostflower thank you so much, for typing the exact words I was JUST now saying to myself! boy this forum is so helpful, I'm finally beginning to realize I'm not crazy. It's like i've been in a prison for all this time with one prison guard, using psychological brainwashing on me to convince me i'm insane, then after 28 years somebody lets me out and when I start telling people what I went through they all unanimously agree: 'oh gosh, you are not crazy, he is.' It reminds me of those kids who have that disease, -they have some skin or immune disease where they cannot go outside or be in sunlight, -i watched a documentary on it one time, and this poor child had never been able to be in sunlight and she was 10 years old, -but then the doctors found some cure for her and she finally was able to go out into the sunlight. everybody thought 'yay! oh good!' but it was sad because, the little girl would cry and be afraid and run back inside- even though they kept convincing her it was safe now, -i think it took like 2 or 3 years until she was able to overcome her fears and be okay with going outside. -First comes, this new 'reality' for me, that I am Not crazy, i mean i'm not an idiot, i've known he's been treating me like an abusive jerk for 28 years- but he's become so 'crafty' at whatever he's doing the past 4 or 5 yrs, sometimes i actually do doubt myself and start to believe him. (and this isn't just affairs or whatever, this is about any minute thing.) -I can actually think back now to the very first few years of our marriage, -certain incidences where he would do or say something, -(bad of course), -and soon after would LITERALLY tell me, 'i didn't do/say that!' after 28 years of having to live with that, it is kind of like brainwashing. (i guess they call it 'gaslighting'?) -it's like him literally telling me, 'are you nuts? the sky is black & the grass is purple! what's wrong with you?' -it's so ridiculous all you can do is stand there & go, 'huh??Like somebody else here said, you cannot argue or logic with insanity.
i just hope i 'come out into the sunlight' of the Truth quickly, i don't want to waste 2 years getting over the abuse or whatever, i'm 47 & i'm anxious to get going with my purpose in life and the 2nd half of life. besides he's not worth wasting my time & emotions on, boo-hooing about what he did to me. i know it's probably unrealistic, -the more i hear from all you people, and my family, and my friends, 'oh my gosh- he's been treating you like THAT for 28 years? that is not right. he is completely wrong, not you.' -i know that sounds basic, but i hope that i don't get filled with such bitterness or grief over what he did to me, or wasted years or whatever, -i just want to heal & get on with life.
anyway, sorry so long, -thank you.


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## eldubya (Aug 23, 2012)

Hi After28:
Way to go! Your venting here is safe!
Other good things to do: scream into a pillow, tear up pictures of your STBXH, talk you your computer screen!
On the positive side, imagine being surrounded by angels who will protect you as you go through the nightmare. Imagine a strong ox pulling a heavy load into the future with ease!
Life does get better!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Some counselling would help you deal with what you have been through and get you into the sunlight faster. (that, by the way, is a perfect comparison!). And I'm not recommending counselling because I think you are crazy. What you have lived with for so many years can leave deep wounds that a counsellor can help you heal.

Your H needs help for ver y different reasons, but of course, it wouldn't be a good idea for you to tell him that.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

After28, you may find it comforting to know that another TAM member -- named "LVS" -- has been through pretty much the same, awful experience that you've had. Like you, she had to divorce her abusive H after 28 years in a toxic marriage -- and explain the whole mess to her adult children. Indeed, her first thread on TAM is titled _"28 Years of Marriage, What Can I do?"_ It starts at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...8-years-marriage-what-ca-i-do.html#post140334.


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## After28Years (Aug 21, 2012)

Thank you all so much for the good advice. Tomorrow is Sunday and the next day is 'D-Day'. I try so hard all day to keep counting my blessings, keep praying, keep reminding myself that i have a clear conscience & that I Will be okay...ive been doing pretty good. -why the heck is it that on some nights i cant get to sleep, and then this weird, panicky, sad & depressing mood just Comes & Lands on me & it doesnt respond to any of those things: facts, positives, life will be okay again, this isn't my doing, I have great faith, family, friends, .... when i get like this I just want to cry and it makes No sense! not that i want him back, heck no. i just cry sometimes at night for shattered dreams-what could have been; for lonliness; it's just sad that this is happening! I used to be a beautiful, smart, funny, upbeat girl, whose only desire in life was to get married& be a mommy; to re-create the incredible loving family that I had: a loving mom, loving dad, & 3 happy little kids who had a wonderful childhood. -is there anything wrong with that? and i didnt just grab the first guy i dated & force him to marry me. I wanted to be truly in love and have a good marriage, just like my parents had. My x and I dated for three years in high school. I loved him like crazy. & him with me. Back then he was the sweetest, nicest, kindest person i'd ever met. We had almost everything in common. We were best friends and we loved each other. Our friends would say, we had something really 'special.' when he asked me to marry him, i felt my life was going Exactly where it was supposed to be. He showed NO signs of: enraged temper; extreme anger; meanness; cruelty; or abuse. NONE of that. (i'm not an idiot; i wouldn't have married someone like that.)
it's just so sad. Something started to go horribly wrong as years went by, i had no idea why at all. Of course most young women like me (especially if they didnt grow up seeing this,) would think, it must be my fault. (of course i now know the reasons: his father was an even worse abuser; he grew up that way; to him i guess he was just doing what he considered 'normal' because that's all he knew; even though it was cruel, damaging, and ANYTHING but normal.
Sorry im rambling. I cant sleep. The whole world as i've known it is going to explode, turn upside-down, & drastically change in every way .... DAY AFTER TOMORROW!
Im sad, im scared, & i dont want to be alone the rest of my life. -God bless everybody.- After28Years
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

After28Years said:


> Thank you all so much for the good advice. Tomorrow is Sunday and the next day is 'D-Day'. I try so hard all day to keep counting my blessings, keep praying, keep reminding myself that i have a clear conscience & that I Will be okay...ive been doing pretty good. -why the heck is it that on some nights i cant get to sleep, and then this weird, panicky, sad & depressing mood just Comes & Lands on me & it doesnt respond to any of those things: facts, positives, life will be okay again, this isn't my doing, I have great faith, family, friends, .... when i get like this I just want to cry and it makes No sense! not that i want him back, heck no. i just cry sometimes at night for shattered dreams-what could have been; for lonliness; it's just sad that this is happening! I used to be a beautiful, smart, funny, upbeat girl, whose only desire in life was to get married& be a mommy; to re-create the incredible loving family that I had: a loving mom, loving dad, & 3 happy little kids who had a wonderful childhood. -is there anything wrong with that? and i didnt just grab the first guy i dated & force him to marry me. I wanted to be truly in love and have a good marriage, just like my parents had. My x and I dated for three years in high school. I loved him like crazy. & him with me. Back then he was the sweetest, nicest, kindest person i'd ever met. We had almost everything in common. We were best friends and we loved each other. Our friends would say, we had something really 'special.' when he asked me to marry him, i felt my life was going Exactly where it was supposed to be. He showed NO signs of: enraged temper; extreme anger; meanness; cruelty; or abuse. NONE of that. (i'm not an idiot; i wouldn't have married someone like that.)
> it's just so sad. Something started to go horribly wrong as years went by, i had no idea why at all. Of course most young women like me (especially if they didnt grow up seeing this,) would think, it must be my fault. (of course i now know the reasons: his father was an even worse abuser; he grew up that way; to him i guess he was just doing what he considered 'normal' because that's all he knew; even though it was cruel, damaging, and ANYTHING but normal.
> Sorry im rambling. I cant sleep. The whole world as i've known it is going to explode, turn upside-down, & drastically change in every way .... DAY AFTER TOMORROW!
> Im sad, im scared, & i dont want to be alone the rest of my life. -God bless everybody.- After28Years
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand your sadness and fear. After 32 years, I am in the same boat. I can't sleep. I don't know what happened that made the man I loved and trusted leave. I don't want to be alone. 

But, even more, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. 

I believe you and I are going to be just fine. It will take time and there will be lots of tears and heartache along the way, but we will be fine. 

I'll be thinking of you on Monday. Hold your head high. No-one deserves to be treated the way you have been treated by this man. 

Better days to come.

Hug.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> it's either one of two things: 1)either he's so evil and can lie so much now without even having a conscience that he can't even tell right from wrong anymore, or...2)he is seriously szichophrenic and has 2 personalities.


After28, another possibility is that he has strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), like my abusive exW -- and like LVS's abusive H (that's why I gave you the link to her thread). It is common for the spouses of BPDers to have the feeling they are living with someone who is half-way to having a multiple personality disorder -- as you do. 

It also is common for them to feel like they are going crazy. Indeed, of the dozens of mental disorders in the DSM-IV, BPD is the one that is most notorious for making the partners and spouses feel like they are losing their minds -- as you have felt. I therefore suggest you read my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread to see if most sound very familiar. My post is at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you.


> Something started to go horribly wrong as years went by....He'd made it so clear for 28 years that he hated being a husband and father


I caution that a pattern of strong BPD traits is NOT something that develops slowly "as years went by." They typically start showing themselves about 6 months into the relationship and red flags should be evident immediately following your moving in together, if not earlier. Hence, if you had several years of living together without any red flags at all, there is no point in reading about BPD traits, IMO. Such traits typically start showing themselves strongly at puberty and disappear only during the infatuation of the courtship period.


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## eldubya (Aug 23, 2012)

Hi After 28!
I am thinking of you, and let you know you probably STILL are that funny, nice, upbeat, beautiful girl that you started out being--although after 28 years you are now a woman.
As Uptown suggests, I second that it helps to look at the symptoms of both borderline-personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. You may recognize some of the symptoms in your H, but don't try to diagnose. Recognition alone is helpful as you see there is a pattern!


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## After28Years (Aug 21, 2012)

eldubya said:


> Hi After 28!
> I am thinking of you, and let you know you probably STILL are that funny, nice, upbeat, beautiful girl that you started out being--although after 28 years you are now a woman.
> As Uptown suggests, I second that it helps to look at the symptoms of both borderline-personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. You may recognize some of the symptoms in your H, but don't try to diagnose. Recognition alone is helpful as you see there is a pattern!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## After28Years (Aug 21, 2012)

Is it normal to just want to sleep i mean like ALLLLL the time? Our hearing went fine, he admitted total fault (surprise) & im getting more than half of everything. Yay. So why am i in this pit of depression? I got what i wanted, i couldnt live with his abuse & cheating anymore, i took a whoooole lot of time to make Sure i was Sure... This is harder than i thought though. All ive done for a week is sleep. Ive tried not to, i have a ton of blessings to live for, i think im just in grief & i need to ride it out, i know everyones telling me 'get up, get out, etc' i swear i just CANT!! anybody else been through the same? Thanks you guys. I feel like ya'll have become my best friends. PLEASE feel free to email. [email protected] 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eldubya (Aug 23, 2012)

Hi After28:
I sort of had the same experience. Once the MTA was agreed upon and signed, all I wanted to do was sleep. I took naps each afternoon for about 2 weeks, and am still needing a little extra sleep. 
I also lost weight, mostly through worrying. Its surprising how many calories thinking and worrying actually burn up! Anyway, needing to sleep is the way your body is trying to talk to you, so please listen to the body!


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