# Does this make me a bad person?



## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

I am pretty much ready to leave my H. I call him my H on TAM but we aren't legally married. We have rings, a ceremony, etc but just never signed the papers. Hard to explain and most people don't get it, so I won't blame anyone for scratching their heads here.

Anyway, anyone who has read over my posts know that my H is emotionally abusive. I am constantly called a "sl*t" "w*ore" "b*tch", idiot, etc. And of course, it's always my fault.

He is super controlling. He goes ape sh*t when I don't do something he wants me to do. The other day I didn't tell him something about one of my ex boyfriends and he flipped out on me, called me a bunch of names, and harassed me all day about it. He wouldn't drop it. We own a business together and he refused to get any work done until I told him what he wanted to know, so a bunch of our customers' orders just didn't go out. 

He gets angry if I wear anything feminine and refuses to go out anywhere social because he doesn't want other men looking at me. He gets upset when I go out. I avoided picking up my birth control pills because I didn't a fight about me going to the store. He even gets upset when I take my parents' dog for a walk without him.

You can read over my past posts if you want for more details.

I'm ready to leave him, but I still love him despite everything he's done. He's not a 100% evil person, unfortunately I go on TAM to vent so I don't talk about his good traits a lot. 

He does a lot of wonderful things. For example, he never stares at other women and is always faithful. He tells me I'm beautiful everyday (when we aren't fighting of course). He is the type of man to show up with flowers or a card just because.

My mother has stage 4 terminal cancer and he has been there for me doing anything I need or just listening. 

Despite his good qualities, I'm ready to leave. I just can't take our fighting anymore. I'm only in my 20s and don't want to waste my youth fighting and being depressed. I want kids and don't think I could raise a family with him.

Here's the problem, I feel bad about leaving him. We own a business together (it was all his idea and I am miserable working there) and we can't even keep up with customer orders working together. How will he do it alone? There's no money to hire anyone. I haven't had any salary the whole time working for/with him. He put everything he has into the business (I insisted on separate finances) and took out a loan. The business is barely afloat right now. It will probably tank without me and he will in serious financial trouble.

Also, he just signed a 1-year lease last week on an apartment he doesn't like. He did that for me. He doesn't like the actual apartment or the area, but he agreed to it because I do like it and it's close to my mom. I plan on moving in with her after the break up but then my husband will be stuck with the lease. My name isn't on it.

I don't want to stick him with an apartment he hates and serious financial problems and stress. 

But I don't want to be in the relationship anymore. I don't even want to fix it. He won't see a counselor, and I don't even think I would want to anymore anyway.

So what do I do? Stick it out until he's secure? Run like the wind right now and leave him with all those problems??

The end of our relationship wouldn't be a shocker to him. I have told him I'm unhappy and don't see our relationship healing. But I still don't know what to do.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> He gets angry if I wear anything feminine and refuses to go out anywhere social because he doesn't want other men looking at me. He gets upset when I go out. I avoided picking up my birth control pills because I didn't a fight about me going to the store. He even gets upset when I take my parents' dog for a walk without him.


If he really acts like that, then I agree this relationship isn't healthy and you are going to be miserable if it continues.

Have you told him that things are so bad that you are considering leaving?

If he has so many good traits, how about first tell him how you feel, and then give marriage counseling a shot?

BTW I am confused how you two could have a business where you can barely keep up with customer orders, yet you aren't making any money. That doesn't make sense. 

If you do leave, as far as the apartment goes, if it's near your mother, how about you take over the lease and move in there instead of him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's time that you put yourself and your children first. 

He is a big boy and will need to figure out how to run "his" business on his own. You have been an instrumental part of the business but he has abused your help. So you need to move on.

You are being emotionally abused and controlled.

What is your exit plan? Focus on that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Oh hell this is going to get messy if you two have a partnership in a business.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

Theseus said:


> If he really acts like that, then I agree this relationship isn't healthy and you are going to be miserable if it continues.
> 
> Have you told him that things are so bad that you are considering leaving?
> 
> ...


Yes, I have told him I want to leave. I told him I'm not happy. He refuses counseling.

The business is new, only about 6 months old. Most businesses don't turn a healthy profit until they've been in operation for 3 years. Even though there are a lot of sales, the profit margin is low. And most of the income goes toward buying more inventory. 

I can't take over the lease because I have no job. The rent is $900 per month and doesn't include utilities. Of course I will start looking for a job, but I have no idea when I will get one and how much I will make. The landlord requires whoever is on the lease to be making 3X the rent per month after taxes (about $45K per year). I can't see myself landing a job that pays $45K. 

H used the business's GROSS income and pretended that it was the NET so the landlord would accept the application. Then she looked over his tax returns for the past 3 years when he was making more money. I wouldn't be able to fake this. She is pretty thorough.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Oh hell this is going to get messy if you two have a partnership in a business.


I don't care about the business. He can have it all. I only care about not leaving him with a mess and then moving on with my life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Natalie789 said:


> I don't care about the business. He can have it all. I only care about not leaving him with a mess and then moving on with my life.


He will have to figure it out on his own. 

He used to have a good paying job, right? So could he get that back?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Natalie789 said:


> Yes, I have told him I want to leave. I told him I'm not happy. He refuses counseling.
> 
> The business is new, only about 6 months old. Most businesses don't turn a healthy profit until they've been in operation for 3 years. Even though there are a lot of sales, the profit margin is low. And most of the income goes toward buying more inventory.
> 
> ...


Aye that makes sense, until a business is established you won't be seeing much profit. Quite frankly I'm surprised you're making any profit at all with 6 months as most starting businesses start off at a loss in the first year and struggle to breakeven around the 2nd year.

Looks like he'll be pretty much fked if you leave him now. And I think he knows it too -> So use it! His back is against the wall, and all you're asking isn't much; counselling, stop with the name-calling etc etc. That's what I would do in your shoes anyway. You still love him, give him one last chance.

If he refuses though, then I'd say his world crashing down on him is on him, not you.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Natalie789 said:


> My mother has stage 4 terminal cancer and he has been there for me doing anything I need or just listening.
> .


This^^^ jumped out at me , because if you do leave him ,without any financial support ,how do you plan to take care of your mother?
I understand that you want to leave , and understand exactly why.
I also think that wanting to leave does not make you 
a " bad person." Your husband sounds like a " survivor " to me. He would make whatever necessary adjustments if you leave.
So the more important question is how will you and your dependent mom survive?

Is she in her own home, or is she at a medical instruction / convalescing home?
If she's at the latter , who pays the bills?
I'm asking these questions because you mentioned having to get somewhere to live , should you leave.

I understand how you feel, confused and so on.

But maybe you should try to plan a better exit strategy before you leave. If your mom is terminally ill and dependent on you, maybe,just maybe you should stay on a bit until she exits this life, or until you can financially manage to support both yourself and her.

However , if she's not dependent on you financially , then you can plan properly and make that exit.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

One thing you could consider is to seek out a mediator who could help both of you to set up some equitable financial settlement.

It is highly unfair that he took an apartment lease to please you then you bail on him - out of his business and out of any kind of supporting position for what should be jointly-shared expenses. You are not married to him, you have no legitimate expectation of financial support from him.

The faster you move, the better off you will be. The landlord might hear you...or a "little bird" telling her the TRUE financial condition of her tenant. Don't wait until he is already in default on the rent. 

The last thing she wants is someone who doesn't pay the rent living in her place. She might negotiate to break the lease
with him without recourse, especially if she has another tenant who actually qualifies to rent from her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TJW said:


> One thing you could consider is to seek out a mediator who could help both of you to set up some equitable financial settlement.
> 
> It is highly unfair that he took an apartment lease to please you then you bail on him - out of his business and out of any kind of supporting position for what should be jointly-shared expenses. You are not married to him, you have no legitimate expectation of financial support from him.


Nor does he have any legitimate expectation of financial support from her. They both do have an obligation to support their children.

Up to how she has been a very important part of ‘his’ business. Yet he refuses to pay her directly. Thus making it appear that he is supporting her when in fact she is working for her own support.

She has also tried to start her own business doing I believe web development. His response to it was to delete her work so that she could not bring in her own income in addition to the work she already does for ‘his’ business.

While it might be unfair that he rented an apartment to please her, it’s unfair that has been extremely abusive and controlling of her. If he wanted her to stick around, perhaps he should have listened to her when she has told him that his treatment of her is unacceptable.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> This^^^ jumped out at me , because if you do leave him ,without any financial support ,how do you plan to take care of your mother?
> I understand that you want to leave , and understand exactly why.
> I also think that wanting to leave does not make you
> a " bad person." Your husband sounds like a " survivor " to me. He would make whatever necessary adjustments if you leave.
> ...


I don't need to take care of my mother financially. My parents are wealthy, and their excellent health insurance has paid for nearly all of my mother's treatment. They have offered for me to stay at their home rent free until I get back on my feet. I secretly think my mom wants me to move back in because she likes having me around when she feels ill and she hates my husband (but that's a whole other story).

I already know I want to leave. I can't stand to be with a man who looks at me and literally screams, "You WILL follow my orders, b*tch." When he's angry, he becomes a different person and blames everything on my "negative" behavior or my mother's cancer (you're a cold person to me and cause problems in our relationship because of the stress of your mother's illness). Though to be honest, we have had problems long before my mother got sick and I've wanted to leave for a long time.

When he's not angry, he's great and I get told how wonderful I am, etc etc. I can't live with the cycle anymore.

I'm sure I carry some blame for our relationship being bad, that it's not all his fault. I just have no desire to even want to try anymore.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Nor does he have any legitimate expectation of financial support from her. They both do have an obligation to support their children.


We don't have kids. I want kids in the future, but none exist right now.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

TJW said:


> It is highly unfair that he took an apartment lease to please you then you bail on him - out of his business and out of any kind of supporting position for what should be jointly-shared expenses. You are not married to him, you have no legitimate expectation of financial support from him.


I do not have any expectation of financial support from him. I'm not asking him for anything except a peaceful end to our relationship. I just would feel really bad about leaving him with a giant mess. 

I'm even giving up my share of a business where I have worked 12 hour days with only about $200 per month in pay.

I also told him for the past 2 months to not sign any lease that he wasn't also happy with because I was unhappy with the relationship and wasn't sure if it would last. I literally said "don't sign a lease on a place where you wouldn't be happy with or without me." 

He ignored me and insisted that I was full of it and I'd never leave him. He then went ahead and signed anyway, "sacrificing his needs" for what was best for us.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Natalie789 said:


> I don't need to take care of my mother financially. My parents are wealthy, and their excellent health insurance has paid for nearly all of my mother's treatment. *They have offered for me to stay at their home rent free until I get back on my feet. I secretly think my mom wants me to move back in because she likes having me around when she feels ill and she hates my husband (but that's a whole other story).
> *


Well then good. You're one of the lucky ones!

There's nothing stopping you from leaving except your own mind playing games on you.
I would advise to part amicably as possible and leave now.
And stop thinking you're a bad person.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Being that's the case ? Just go. You owe this turkey nothing. You have warned him, he has mistreated you, you worked and earned your support while you were there.

You told him not to sign the lease.

Clean slate. He has all the options. He can leave, get a job, do whatever. He still "owns" (whatever there is to "own") the business, he is not obligated to continue supporting you. Neither are you obligated to continue supporting him.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He was going to pay the rent either way.... whether you are there or not. If he wants to quit the lease later, that's his problem.

Just go.


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