# Help- feeling suffocated by life



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I am having a temporary crisis. I KNOW it is temporary. But I woke up this morning feeling like I'd had enough.

The baby isn't sleeping. Baby is nearly 5 months, and is waking at least three times a night, for a good hour or so. There's been no point me going to bed earlier after baby goes to sleep because that's often not until 8.30pm/9pm at the mo. He will wake up around three hours after... then whenever he feels like it. He's my fourth so I've done all this before, but it is so hard with three others to look after, not least that I have a toddler at home with me as well so napping during the day isn't practical.

I was lucky to have my parents over yesterday, who gave me a hand with housework. Today however... the umpteen loads of laundry, washing up, having dinner ready... I could easily say I'm going to skip these, but I feel for OH if he has to do stuff after being at work all day in a really physical job so I try to do as much as poss.

I do get the comments from OH when I miss something, or don't do something brilliantly. He's quite laid back so I know with some of it he's joking... But I know he means some of it. Thing is, I just can't keep up at the mo but I know he's going to see me slacking.

I was cutting bread for his pack up the other day. It was going all wonky and I just got all frustrated (over bread!) and found myself saying, "the harder I try, the worse I am" which I sort of knew I felt but didn't. He was a bit weird about it, I just carried on.

I am sick of the "who's more tired" routine. All I know is I feel knackered, and I am starting to dread baby waking up at night, because that is it... I haven't had more than three hours sleep in a row since before he was born, and somewhere along the line I've been so keen to keep everything going like I am oh so good at being the stay at home mum with four lovely kids, oh wow doesn't she look good to say her baby's only a week old/a month old/etc- and what good has it done me?

I suppose I'd just like someone to tell me "THE" thing to say to OH where he goes, oh baby, you've been working so hard, looking after us all, you must be so tired, come here and have a hug, the laundry/washing up/dinner can wait... Because whatever it is I haven't found it yet...


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Wow. Bless your heart. You've really got your hands full! I remember those sleepless nights, it totally wrecks everything. Because of health issues I don't ever sleep longer than 3 hours, but I don't have anyone else to take care of! I'm lucky that my SO goes off to work, and my 10yo son goes off to school. 

This is very temporary, though it probably doesn't feel like it right now, and that thought isn't much comfort. It's so HARD when the kids are little. Unfortunately, your OH probably isn't ever going to get it unless/until he does your day for a week. A 24 hour day, at that. He can probably muddle through one day, that's why I say a week. Is there someone else that could talk to him? His mother maybe? 

You want me to talk to him? I'll tell him how the cow ate the cabbage.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

First, big love. Been there and understand how challenging it is! 

Two things. First "the harder I try, the worse I am" stuck out at me. You need to FLY. FLY stands for finally loving yourself. We are our own worst enemies when we are perfectionists. Nothing we do is good enough! YOU have to see what you are doing as good enough before your husband can. Get over to FlyLady.net: Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home. 

Next, I know you have 4 so you probably don't need this advice. But I will throw it out there anyway. Make sure your baby is waking for FOOD ONLY. Growth spurts are a drag. And they do get hungrier during them. Make sure your babe is not waking up due to a sleep association development. Ferber has a book that has a section on sleep associations. The rest of the book probably does not apply to, so it should be a quick, easy read. It is called Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems.

Have you spoken to your husband about your dissatisfaction? Start it with something different to try to avoid the who is more tired useless discussion. Start with I appreciate how hard you work to provide for the family. I think it must be very tiring with the hard work you do. *I am concerned that* you feel I don't work very hard to take care of the family. Note the wording. I am concerned that give the opportunity for him to not feel accused. The *I feel* hurt by the comments that insinuate that I a slacking off. I could keep a time sheet for a week so you could see what I do, but that would just add to the workload.... Are there things that I could put higher up the priority list that would ease your life while allowing you to recognize the value I bring to the family?


The highlighted phrases are intended to focus on your feelings in order to prevent him from feeling attacked. If he feels attacked, he will get the brain stem fight or flight reaction... If he does not feel attacked, he can think about what you are saying. The last question demonstrates that you are willing to work with him to solve HIS version of the issue while standing your ground on yours.

I wish you luck!


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Well I feel a bit better. I took the littlest two to the park earlier, and now they're both crashed out. I'm buzzing so can't even nap!

I have this insane concept in my head that I should somehow be "matching" him in terms of hard work. I really don't like him to have to do much when he gets in because he looks so tired a lot of the time, especially at the moment as he was in hospital last week. There are of course certain things he does anyway as a parent, and other stuff like washing up after dinner. The thing is that my job is 24/7 right now, I will be cleaning up the kitchen at 11pm, or making pack ups, or shoving another load of laundry in the washing machine whilst he kicks back and has a beer, and I'm there thinking, WTF am I doing at this time of night doing all this, it's what I've been doing all day?!!

Sometimes I take a step back and think, hang on, I have four kids 7 and under, one a baby, and I SERIOUSLY expect things to be running shipshape as they were previously? He does though, although I don't think he consciously realises this, it seems to come out in what he makes little comments about.

Usually he's quite supportive but I can envision having a chat about how I'm finding it difficult to cope, and he'll bring out the usual, well you just have to get on with it, that's what people do, and I think I'll probably cry


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Have you spoken to your husband about your dissatisfaction? Start it with something different to try to avoid the who is more tired useless discussion. Start with I appreciate how hard you work to provide for the family. I think it must be very tiring with the hard work you do. *I am concerned that* you feel I don't work very hard to take care of the family. Note the wording. I am concerned that give the opportunity for him to not feel accused. The *I feel* hurt by the comments that insinuate that I a slacking off. I could keep a time sheet for a week so you could see what I do, but that would just add to the workload.... Are there things that I could put higher up the priority list that would ease your life while allowing you to recognize the value I bring to the family?
> 
> 
> The highlighted phrases are intended to focus on your feelings in order to prevent him from feeling attacked. If he feels attacked, he will get the brain stem fight or flight reaction... If he does not feel attacked, he can think about what you are saying. The last question demonstrates that you are willing to work with him to solve HIS version of the issue while standing your ground on yours.
> ...


Good thoughts. I will reread this in a bit and have a chat with him later. I have done a list previously, of things I have done in a particular day, and tbh when you write down every little thing, you wonder how you've fitted it all in!

I've been doing a bit of research on the baby feeding/sleeping thing and it seems there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Not a solution per se, but an explanation (or *some* possible explanations) for his current feeding and sleeping habits. I have also gotten out the steriliser and pump in the hope that I can pump some milk and OH can do a feed at night as he's always said he'd be up for doing this if he could


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

tobio said:


> Well I feel a bit better. I took the littlest two to the park earlier, and now they're both crashed out. I'm buzzing so can't even nap!
> 
> I have this insane concept in my head that I should somehow be "matching" him in terms of hard work. I really don't like him to have to do much when he gets in because he looks so tired a lot of the time, especially at the moment as he was in hospital last week. There are of course certain things he does anyway as a parent, and other stuff like washing up after dinner. The thing is that my job is 24/7 right now, I will be cleaning up the kitchen at 11pm, or making pack ups, or shoving another load of laundry in the washing machine whilst he kicks back and has a beer, and I'm there thinking, WTF am I doing at this time of night doing all this, it's what I've been doing all day?!!


Yup. True dat. Where do you live. Want me to come do a 30 day cooking session for you?

The only thing I can think of is simplify. You have 2 in school? Some ideas for simplification

- One dish meals. Crock pot! Throw a bunch of stuff in the insert night before. Place it in the unit in the am. Done and done. Steel cut oats in the crock pot the night before. 
- IF DH is willing to have fun with the kids on a weekend day, see if you can do a mini-freezer cooking session. There are resources for all meals of the day and snacks so you can just pull em out. This also eases clean up. I wish there was a group in my area. But there isn't. There may be in yours.
- School lunch for the kids. Woops only one in school? If 4 under 7?
- Paper dinner ware? I hate that one because it is so expensive and so eco-unfriendly. But I throw it out.
- Do you have access to ordering your groceries on line? 




> Sometimes I take a step back and think, hang on, I have four kids 7 and under, one a baby, and I SERIOUSLY expect things to be running shipshape as they were previously? He does though, although I don't think he consciously realises this, it seems to come out in what he makes little comments about.


Woa all under seven. You DO know how this happens, right? 

Yah you really could ease up on yourself, super woman! 

With regard to your husband, I think the idea of asking him what HE feels needs to be higher on the priority list could go a long way. AND open the door for you to check his expectations of perfection. He needs to understand that park and library with the littles is IMPORTANT. That is priority. 

What I did when faced with this is sat down and made a work like project plan. Goals: blah blah. And sat DH down in a "meeting". I made a sign that said Mom's priorities:

1. Kid's mental, physical and moral health development. 

2. Kid's academics in all areas including music, the arts and pe.

3. Frugal living.

4. Home making.

I laminated it and posted it to the wall. Each of these priorities then had action plan on the "project plan" that DH and I met about.

It opened his eyes to the fact that YES the kids come first. He could not really argue with my priorities. He did want to switch frugal living and home making but then finally agreed with me that our income really determined that! 

But it also showed him that I took what I was doing seriously as my JOB. Is this something that could work for you?




> Usually he's quite supportive but I can envision having a chat about how I'm finding it difficult to cope, and he'll bring out the usual, well you just have to get on with it, that's what people do, and I think I'll probably cry


OHHH! I see. Well unfortunately he is right.  I will bet he is doing that man thing of trying to focus on the solution to the problem instead of just listening to our feelings. No fun! Come here. We will listen to your feelings!

But coping does not have mean working HARDER. Coping can mean working SMARTER. And you definitely HAVE to give yourself breaks during the day to sit and have a cup of tea. Flylady says so.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

PM me if the freezer cooking idea appeals to you.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

tobio said:


> Well I feel a bit better. I took the littlest two to the park earlier, and now they're both crashed out. I'm buzzing so can't even nap!
> 
> I have this insane concept in my head that I should somehow be "matching" him in terms of hard work. I really don't like him to have to do much when he gets in because he looks so tired a lot of the time, especially at the moment as he was in hospital last week. There are of course certain things he does anyway as a parent, and other stuff like washing up after dinner. The thing is that my job is 24/7 right now, I will be cleaning up the kitchen at 11pm, or making pack ups, or shoving another load of laundry in the washing machine whilst he kicks back and has a beer, and I'm there thinking, WTF am I doing at this time of night doing all this, it's what I've been doing all day?!!
> 
> ...


Well, here you go: You DO match him in terms of hard work. You're taking care of 4 kids, a husband and a house. Frankly, in some respects, you're working harder than he is, since you don't get a day off. 

I would just sit down with him and be honest. Tell him that with the kids, and the house, the laundry, etc., and a lack of sleep, you're feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment and then just say, "I know you work hard all day, and I hate to have to ask this, but could you help me out just a bit? Maybe do some laundry on weekends for me, or watch the kids for a bit so I can get some sweeping and mopping done?" Or ask him to pack his own lunches for a while, or something. Anything that gives you a bit of relief. And explain to him that this won't be a permanent change, just temporary until you get your feet under you again and are getting some more sleep. 

And if his comments about stuff that isn't done bother you, tell him. Even if you know he means it in a joking way, let him know how it makes you feel.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

vt- I like the list of priorities. I call myself a stay at home mum, and HATE the term "housewife" because I am not at home to do housework- I'm at home to look after the children. They come first. Housework comes after/inbetween. I may use your approach with him.

He doesn't understand how I can't get a list of stuff done throughout a day. Yes I am sure I could work smarter, he just doesn't factor in nappy changes at inopportune times/ getting the kids to nap/ tidying up the mess the toddler makes as I work/ trying to have a shower with a toddler trying to pass me everything in the bathroom or trying to drag me out/ baby crying for no apparent reason and pacing up and down to soothe him or take him out in the pushchair for a walk to get him to sleep/etc/etc.

Btw the older two are in school. And yes I know how that happens (four 7 and under!) and that's definitely it now!

I will PM you at some point!

atruckersgirl, I tried the talk last night. I posted about it in the Men's Clubhouse- it did not go well


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I read your post in the men's clubhouse. You don't say how the discussion was opened, or when, or what kind of day he had. So, it's hard to say whether he's was being a jerk because he's a jerk or he just had a bad day and therefore didn't have a good reaction. 

I'd give it a few days, catch him on a day (maybe the weekend) when he's somewhat relaxed, calm, and open to talking, and try again. I would probably start with some praise about how hard he works and all that, so that that eliminates his ability to claim that you don't appreciate/don't know what he does. I would also maybe come up with some specific tasks you'd like him to take over, maybe the one or two that are hardest for you to complete with the kids, or the three or four that are really super easy and take no time at all but you don't get to because of the harder stuff combined with the kids. 

If that doesn't work...well, there's always a frying pan to the side of the head.  Just kidding on that one.


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