# Anyone have some words to help me thru this?



## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

So I've filed papers and they are to be reviewed by the courts on Dec 4th. She is currently out seeing another guy right now as I type this. it is the same one that she has been talking to for around 5 months on Facebook, an old boyfriend from high school. I can't afford to go anywhere else, so I'm just stuck in the backside of the house in a spare room.

I know others have been through this and how hard it is, especially knowing she is out with him right now. How can 16 years mean so little to someone to just throw it all away?

Anyone have some words to help me or encourage me? I feel so low and down.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Why are you stuck in a back room?


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

I had moved all my stuff in the back of the house as I didn't want to sleep in the bed by her. I can go anywhere, and while she isn't here like now, it is ok, but I don't want to see her otherwise.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Divorce is very difficult. It makes you question everything about the relationship. Time — lots of time — is the only thing that helps. I got through mine minute by minute and some of those minutes seemed like years. But you can’t fast-forward the process. It takes as long as it takes. I made lists of things I needed to do and wanted to do and hoped to do. It helped me see progress when I crossed things off the list.

PS
I divorced a long-time cheater.


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

Thanks, that is good advice on making a list.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Is there a way to suggest she move in with her boyfriend? Perhaps best to talk with your attorney first though, and make sure that suggestion doesn't put you at a disadvantage because you kicked her out, vs her going on her own.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

More of a history might get more responses from those in the same boat, I would recommend you read the newbies thread as well.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi Miserable, sorry you're dealing with this. Thankfully I didn't have to live under the same roof while I was waiting for my divorce, and I really feel for you. However, my imagination is horribly vivid, and I had to get a grip and have something else to focus on to redirect my thoughts. I decided to go back to school, and that's kept my butt too busy to think of much else. 

Is there something you've always wanted to do, but haven't, b/c of time or priorities? I don't know if you have kids, but if you do, take them to the park, or any place that's open just to get out a little and breathe. Thankfully it's less than a month to wait, do you have plans for where you will live afterward? Maybe you should consider that and start looking. I started looking immediately after I decided to file and gtfo of there as soon as we came to an agreement in mediation. 

Anyway, I hope you are trying to eat decently, getting as must sleep as you can - drug yourself if you must, it's really important now not to let yourself get worn down, it's so hard to recover when you're already heartbroken. Take care.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Are you going to stay there until the divorce is done? That could take many months.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You need to just get out instead of staying there torturing yourself. She sounds like the cheater in the relationship, but there's two sides to everything, and the sooner you get yourself out from under her, the sooner you can start processing everything. I'm sure she loved you at one time, but do think about what she began NOT loving about you. Not that it makes it YOUR fault, but just so you gain some insight. You can't do anything about it but get out as cleanly as possible now, but be honest with yourself and don't let an opportunity go by to learn both from the perspective of what made you choose her and your part in it. You can't make her out to be a terrible all around person now because at some point you chose her and thought she was good enough. I suspect since you're still there, that you still hope she'll take you back. If so, you need to scrutinize yourself for what that would be acceptable to you as well. There's a lot to process, but there's no need to stay there watching her every move when you could get out and get some relief from that. There's no going back.

It's miserable. Good luck and hope you come out of this more confident going forward that you have some control over your life going forward. Take control now and leave.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Oldtimer said:


> More of a history might get more responses from those in the same boat, I would recommend you read the newbies thread as well.


His story is pretty well fleshed out in his other thread(s). It's too bad forums like this can provide links, where the sig line is, to a poster's most-recent discussions.

Here's his earlier thread- Would love some opinions


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Thank you Casual appreciate it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Miserable71 said:


> Thanks, that is good advice on making a list.


It was surprising to me how good it felt to cross things off as they were completed — not only practical stuff but other stuff as well. It pushed me in a good way to get things done.

I know all of this is new and it’s tough to deal with. But you _*will*_ get through it and life will be better. It‘ll just take some time.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Whoa! hang on just a minute. I need to understand what just happened.

Your wife has been a good, loyal and loving wife for 16 years.
She has never given you any reason to be suspicious,
3-4 months ago she responded to a Facebook message from an old boyfriend and they have been chatting.
She deleted her messages because she deletes all her messages normally - even other family and friends.
She didn't want to tell you because she thought you would react.
She finally told you and you did react.
She reassured you that nothing was going on and even showed you the latest messages that had not been deleted yet and they were about what she told you they were talking about.
She refused to stop talking to him because she felt that you were being too controlling and unnecessarily so.
She then sent him a message (which she showed you) telling him that they could not talk anymore.

Then you asked her that fateful question which was if he had not been married would she still be with you and she said she did not know!!! (Did you ever expand on this or ask her what she meant by this?)

You then flew off the handle and initiated divorce and moved to the back room.

Now - and this is what I would like to understand how it progressed to this - she is out seeing this guy? What do you mean by "seeing"? As in boyfriend/girlfriend? How do you know this? What the hell changed here?


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

So overall you have it all correct. She claims that when she said she didn't know if she would be with me or him if he was single that she was angry at me and said that to hurt me. I'm not sure if I believe that. 

She met him face to face. Previously they had only been talking mostly on Facebook messenger and a few telephone calls.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So why are you divorcing ? And what did she say as to why she was meeting him face to face? You should have asked to go along too.

Also if she sent him a message saying they couldn't speak anymore, how did they end up arranging to meet (if they are not talking to each other)?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Clearly they are slapping nasties, just openly now. He is wise to divorce.


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> So why are you divorcing ? And what did she say as to why she was meeting him face to face? You should have asked to go along too.
> 
> Also if she sent him a message saying they couldn't speak anymore, how did they end up arranging to meet (if they are not talking to each other)?


I don't trust her anyone and she just won't cut off the constant communication with him. I had no clue she was going to drive the hour away from our town to his. I can't imagine that she would have let me go with her anyway if she had plans to meet with him.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Miserable71 said:


> I don't trust her anyone and she just won't cut off the constant communication with him. I had no clue she was going to drive the hour away from our town to his. I can't imagine that she would have let me go with her anyway if she had plans to meet with him.


I understand the loss of trust but did she not agree to not speak with him anymore. What did she have to say given that she messaged him telling him they couldn't speak anymore and then arranging to meet him in his town? Something must have changed in between these two events. Unless she had to go to his town for other business/reasons and you suspect that they will be meeting up.


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> I understand the loss of trust but did she not agree to not speak with him anymore. What did she have to say given that she messaged him telling him they couldn't speak anymore and then arranging to meet him in his town? Something must have changed in between these two events. Unless she had to go to his town for other business/reasons and you suspect that they will be meeting up.


She did agree to stop talking to him and unfriended him. I then found that on her 2nd Facebook account she was still friends with him and talking to him on that one. She is still talking to him almost daily from the best that I can tell. I feel like they met because she never mentioned that she might run over to the other town to shop. She told me she was going to buy jeans in our town. I feel like after talking for 5 months, that meeting him face to face is just the natural progression of this emotional affair. Even though I knew they were still talking, it really hit home and very hard on Saturday night knowing she was with him and they were finally meeting up.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Sorry, but glad it hit home for you. You need to wise up. Maybe that's what it took.
Sorry you're going thru this. Please remember, you didn't destroy your marriage, she did.
Best of luck going forward.


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

Thanks. That is a valid point that it really drove it all home for me. Logically I know it is all over and papers are filed for divorce, but every so often my heart still sees a small glimmer of something. This showed my heart more of the ugly truth about the state of our marriage and her feelings towards me (or lack of).


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Did you confront her about meeting up with him? At the moment you have no proof that they did so I would get that first and then confront her.

And does she know that you know about her 2nd FB account? To me that is almost the smoking gun if it is a hidden account i.e. she did not tell you about it.


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

You are correct that I have no proof. All the events add up to point to the fact that they met up, but I do understand that sometimes events can look deceiving, but really are innocent. She of course says she didn't meet him, but honestly what else would she say? I've got her in a lot of lies over the last 44 days since I found out she is talking to this guy almost daily. She keeps saying that she has quit talking to him, but then I just catch her talking to him again. She makes up some lame excuse to why she had to ask him something and then says that was the last time, only for me to catch her again.

Based on the number of lies that I do know for a fact that she has told me, I no longer trust her or that she didn't meet him. I do know for a fact that he called her around 5 to 10 minutes before she arrived in his town. That is just one of many "it looks like a duck" moments.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Miserable71 said:


> She did agree to stop talking to him and unfriended him. I then found that on her 2nd Facebook account she was still friends with him and talking to him on that one. She is still talking to him almost daily from the best that I can tell. I feel like they met because she never mentioned that she might run over to the other town to shop. She told me she was going to buy jeans in our town. I feel like after talking for 5 months, that meeting him face to face is just the natural progression of this emotional affair. Even though I knew they were still talking, it really hit home and very hard on Saturday night knowing she was with him and they were finally meeting up.


It is the physical consumation of their emotional affair.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You have clarity in what is happening, even in the absence of her honesty.

Even if I am wrong in what happened, what is clear is that she is choosing him over you. That is more than enough to end the relationship.

Sorry you are here, brother. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Thanks for your explanation. So she is still blatantly lying to your face and even though you tell her you know she spoke to him, she makes up excuses for her lies. You are right. This does not look good. Do you think that they met up for her to sleep with him?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

look if she really wanted to keep this marriage together she would have done everything in her power to do so, but her false words and her actions says otherwise. if i were you i would intentionally download a dating app so she can see it on the computer and show her that what is good for the geese is good for the gander, but i am guessing the minute she see you doing this she will realize that you are not looking back and she will get worried. right now she is pushing her luck


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> Thanks for your explanation. So she is still blatantly lying to your face and even though you tell her you know she spoke to him, she makes up excuses for her lies. You are right. This does not look good. Do you think that they met up for her to sleep with him?


The reason I ask you the question is because things seem to be developing there very fast and only you have a handle on what is really going down. It sounds like somewhere along the way it went from just friends to emotionally involved to wanting to sleep together to divorce you and be with him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What you are feeling and thinking , thigh you have no proof of physical cheating, is absolutely logical. Don’t let her gaslight you. She is having an affair. Plain and simple. I would divorce and not loook back. I was forced to do just that myself, although my ex was glad to go and be free to chase other penises.

She admitted recently that the grass wasn’t greener, other than the wallet is Now bigger.... yours will see that too, and you won’t want her back.

get through the hurt, it will take a couple of years. Yes, years. But it will get easier in months.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Miserable71 said:


> I don't trust her anyone and she just won't cut off the constant communication with him. I had no clue she was going to drive the hour away from our town to his. I can't imagine that she would have let me go with her anyway if she had plans to meet with him.


Have you notified her parents and siblings what she is doing.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You really need to expose her on this -- tell your family, her family, your friends that SHE is cheating (she can deny all she wants -- NOT being able to stop talking and willfully lying to you about it is cheating).
You should try to contact his wife also -- it's only fair to let her know what a scumbag of a H she has...


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Have you notified her parents and siblings what she is doing.


She has no family. They have all passed on or she does not communicate with them ever.


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

farsidejunky said:


> You have clarity in what is happening, even in the absence of her honesty.
> 
> Even if I am wrong in what happened, what is clear is that she is choosing him over you. That is more than enough to end the relationship.
> 
> ...


Thanks, it has taken me some time to get to the point of really seeing what she is doing and not listening to her "explanations"


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> What you are feeling and thinking , thigh you have no proof of physical cheating, is absolutely logical. Don’t let her gaslight you. She is having an affair. Plain and simple. I would divorce and not loook back. I was forced to do just that myself, although my ex was glad to go and be free to chase other penises.
> 
> She admitted recently that the grass wasn’t greener, other than the wallet is Now bigger.... yours will see that too, and you won’t want her back.
> 
> get through the hurt, it will take a couple of years. Yes, years. But it will get easier in months.


I agree that I think she will one day regret this. She said that she will prove me wrong that she doesn't want to be with this other guy, she is just friends. She said we both loose with me leaving.

Not sure I believe her about not wanting to be with him. Very sad if she is willing to trash a 16 year relationship for a 5 month "friendship"


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Miserable71 said:


> I agree that I think she will one day regret this. She said that she will prove me wrong that she doesn't want to be with this other guy, she is just friends. She said we both loose with me leaving.
> 
> Not sure I believe her about not wanting to be with him. Very sad if she is willing to trash a 16 year relationship for a 5 month "friendship"


Here is the thing -- she says you both lose, which is true but SHE IS THE REASON this is happening, NOT YOU.

SHE is the one who can't give him up, SHE is the one choosing to do this. SHE is the one cheating. She can say she isn't but you already know that she is AT MINIMUM having a EA. She IS cheating.


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