# Facing divorce



## Doktorn (Feb 27, 2015)

About six months ago, my wife and I were about to make love and my wife asked me if she was my muse. I replied that of course she was. I was a little hesitant as I wasn't really in the mood, when she hit me with the bombshell. She told me that she wanted a divorce and that while she loved with me, she was not in love with me. I know that this usually means that she has someone in the wings, but I don't think so. Instead, she told me that she would like to have someone else, but wants to be free of me first. She has had desires, but never acted upon them.

She told me that she had felt lonely in the marriage for a long time, and that she had tried to tell me, but I had never really listened. She told me that I always went missing when she most needed me. Instead, I would have a bigger crisis than her. I did not make her feel safe when she needed to feel safe. She did not respect me, and questioned if she ever had. She wanted a man to look up to and respect. A sugar daddy.

In the six months that have followed, I have:
1) Stopped caffeine.
2) Started power walking, swimming and ping pong. 
3) Lost weight.
4) Got a promotion 
5) Went to therapy.
6) Changed my attitude on life.
7) Found out what my personality type is.
8) Started engaging the kids more.
9) Read a bunch of self help books and marriage counselling.
10) Applied some of the advice contained within. Basically, using techniques which different authors converge upon.
11) Kept track of the menstruation cycle. Very effective.

According to my wife, she has seen the man I can be, but she still wants to leave. Last week I agreed to file for divorce and we are waiting for the bank to make a decision on the mortgage. She will buy me out for a nominal fee so that she and the kids can stay in the house. It is very important that the children stay in the house. She earns enough money to service the debt, but I do not despite earning a very good salary.

We have been married since 2001. I am 39 and she is 40. We started dating in 1998. We have a 10 year old boy with severe ADHD and a 8 year old girl. 

I have screwed up very much here and have let her down many, many times.
Some examples: 
Telling my wife that I didn't know if I loved her before the birth of our daughter.
Almost flaking out before our wedding.
Attacking her when we were supposed to talk to the support services about our trouble with our son's ADHD.
Telling my son that I wanted to leave the family when my wife was lying in bed with food poisoning.
The list is very long…

I have not been a very good husband, it must be said. When times were good, I was great to be with, but when times were bad, I fell apart first.

Six months ago, I was an emotional wreck. I had changed jobs because my previous employer was sucking the life out of me and I was working constantly. My health was poor, my weight out of control, and I was feeling low and insecure. I can honestly say that I have turned things around. I am doing and feeling great (apart from the sadness of the impending divorce). I decided to My wife tells me that in the last six months, I have proven to be everything she wanted in a man, but it is too late. 

She gave us six months to see what might happen, but now what she really wants is to lead her own life as a single woman for the first time in her adult life. She wants to find herself. She has told me that in her ideal life, she would live as a single mother and have a lover whom she could turn to when feeling the urge and kick out when the kids were home. She would not have to compromise as she is doing when in our marriage. She tells me that she was never the marrying time and that she did it only because she loved me so much. She had always felt the weak link in the marriage, despite me having my mental health problems. 

The advice of what I have read is not to confront her, not to pressure her, to let her go her own way. The consensus is that I should withdraw and focus on myself. I did this at the beginning. However, my wife went through a very bad patch, feeling guilty and feeling self loathing. Through it all, I have been her rock as she always wanted me to be. I have been the husband I was meant to be, but still a bit beta perhaps. 

However, every positive change I have made has been met as a confirmation that she should go. 

Better health? Good, I could never leave you when you were sick.

Better job? Good, you can support yourself and the children when I leave.

Better attitude? Good, I can leave with with a good conscience.

She tells me that plenty of women will find me very attractive. She keeps giving me compliments, it feels like it is to build my confidence up when I meet other women.

She tells me that me making my own life work without her will be a condition for her to perhaps falling in love with me again one day in the future. She would like a safe and secure man, but I am mostly fun, devoted and a bit scatter brained. She feels that what she has required of me has made me unhappy.

We are still very loving to each other. It makes things a bit confusing though.

I love her, but I think that the disappointments have outweighed positive developments I have made thus far. Still, I make them for myself and the children and not for her. 


I am mostly at peace and a little bit happy. Her decision to divorce me triggered a tsunami of changes for the better. For that, I will always be grateful.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Can I just say your wife is dealing with this in a very mature way and you should respect that. 
Well done for trying to change but too little too late. 
All I can advise is that you carry on making yourself a better person and father to your children. If it's ment to be again in the future then it will. 
You don't sound d bitter or angry so this must not be a deep shock to you, a good sign you will both be ok and keep a good bond that will make you great co-parents. Good luck with it all.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Just read and caught your last lines! It's nice to see a break up that can actually not be a horrid and traumatic experience. I admire how your both dealing with it.


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## Doktorn (Feb 27, 2015)

Thank you for your kind words. 

I don't agree that my actions are too little. I have turned the Titantic around. You are right though. It was too late to miss the iceberg.

My wife has never doubted how much I love her, but I have not been able to live up to my side of the deal. I squandered all the early potential we had as a couple.

Early on in the marriage crisis, I decided that this would not break me, rather make me. Through out the process I have fought to stay positive. I can't say that it has been easy, but it will be worth it. 

In some ways, it has been worse for my wife. It broke my heart to see her in so much pain, so I became her rock and confidante and have supported her choice to divorce.

I am in the ironic position of helping my wife through the divorce of her choice and my making. 

My wife is a wonderful woman. She should never have been put in this position to begin with. She says that she loves me and that I am wonderful man, but not for her. Not anymore.


Although it is not possible to keep the sorrow away, we can make the divorce as loving as possible. One can have a loving divorce if you make the choice.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Loving and divorce do not belong in the same sentence.........sorry


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Doktorn said:


> Thank you for your kind words.
> 
> I don't agree that my actions are too little. I have turned the Titantic around. You are right though. It was too late to miss the iceberg.
> 
> ...


Why are you shouldering all responsibility for the marriage ending? 

Why is her narrative now yours?

Why are you counseling your wife through the divorce she wanted? Who's counseling you? - not her. Your putting her needs above your own. This isn't chivalrous. It's co-dependent. You're completely enmeshed with her, and will be used accordingly.

You need to detach completely from her - for your sanity. 

You made mistakes throughout your marriage. So did she. You're responsible for YOUR 50%. 

Highest five for you rebuilding yourself. It seems to me you did it for her to be attracted to you again. She saw through it and it naturally didn't work. It was your mistake to play the "pick me" dance. 

Keep building yourself to be the man YOU want to be - not to meet your wife's or any woman's expectations. 

Ensure you have your kids at least 1/2 the time. Be careful of the "loving divorce." This sounds like a way to keep you hooked so you play nice and stay guilty through the divorce. Caveat emptor.

Keep improving. There's life on the other side of divorce. You probably don't like this post, but that's ok. I've been in your shoes and made some of your errors. Believe me....there's more to the story here.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Doktorn said:


> I am mostly at peace and a little bit happy. Her decision to divorce me triggered a tsunami of changes for the better. For that, I will always be grateful.


I am very glad to read this. This is the most any of us who are going through divorce can hope for - that we are at peace with it, and change for the better. 

I wish you a successful journey and a wonderful future.

I hope that I can get to where you are.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I have been separated two months and am feeling much more relaxed and less stressed than I have in years...


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Doktorn, I think you've made fantastic changes. The fact that you're so open about your share in the marriage problems says a lot about your honesty and willingness to take responsibility for yourself. Good for you.

I too think there might be more going on with your wife than she's letting on. What's her rush? You're making all the changes that are good for both of you, why can't she give herself time to change how she feels? Of course she's not going to feel differently overnight! And maybe time apart (no dating) to work on herself would be helpful. I know when I was really stressed by the marriage, I needed time apart from H, and we separated for a month twice. But if he'd made changes, I was prepared to keep going for years to give the feelings time to come back. 

Rambling, sorry. I totally get feeling like the feeling is gone forever, but that's just a feeling. It can change. Get your wife on here to give us her side!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I sounds like you spent the last 6 months preparing for your life as a single man. So now you are in a good place to enjoy it.


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## WasHappyatOneTime (Nov 26, 2012)

helolover said:


> Why are you shouldering all responsibility for the marriage ending?
> 
> Why is her narrative now yours?
> 
> ...


Much more.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

helolover said:


> Why are you shouldering all responsibility for the marriage ending?
> 
> Why is her narrative now yours?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I, too, feel like there is much more to the story. Doktorn, just know we will be here for you when the _real_ ball drops.


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