# Wife Does Not Like Who I am



## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

I got Lyme disease years ago and battled back after many years. The other day I was hiking in the woods and found a tick in my leg when I was with the kids and wife. I freaked out a little and got emotional. My wife kept saying it is not a big deal you just got the bite and your freaking out our daughter. At the moment I felt lost and scared and got mad back saying she does not understand. She later on told me she can't deal with emotional outbreaks in front of the kids. I had one last year during March 2020 when we were in the process of buying a home and Covid hit. I got anxious. 

My wife and her family's way of dealing with stress is to hide it and never display it. My family and I is to have an emotional outburst but we are better and fine after it. She can't stand that about me. I have a hard time when my wife hides stress because I always know, she gets super moody.

She keeps saying we are not meant for each other. We are totally good and love each other when things are not stressful. It is just when things get stressful our two different ways of dealing create problems. I know having an emotional thing as an adult is not okay, but I just hate how there is no empathy. She makes me feel like a horrible person. The idea of separating with two young kids seems horrendous.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Define your freaking out and getting emotional. What EXACTLY did that look like? Without that information it's hard to give comments.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Define your freaking out and getting emotional. What EXACTLY did that look like? Without that information it's hard to give comments.


I start saying oh no, a tick is in my leg. I can't believe this. (Super tense). I started crying a little, not weeping. 
It brought up so much emotions already having Lyme. When I had Lyme my kids were small and the burden of small children really made my wife resent me, because I had to deal with my health.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

One time I ran 8 miles through tall grass on a poorly maintained trail and got a tick. I said, “Uh oh maybe I will get Lyme disease, that sucks!” I failed to get it to come out so I ripped it out with tweezers and poured rubbing alcohol on the wound. Haven’t run in tall grass since.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Todd Feldman said:


> I start saying oh no, a tick is in my leg. I can't believe this. (Super tense). I started crying a little, not weeping.
> It brought up so much emotions already having Lyme. When I had Lyme my kids were small and the burden of small children really made my wife resent me, because I had to deal with my health.


During the house purchase, I was super anxious all day for several days. She could not stand my anxiety. The stock market was dropping big and the down payment was in stocks. I was not sure what to do with the covid. She brings that up too, that it is bad for the kids to see that. We are all human. She has her own issues. She has a different type of anxiety and is so moody. She is aware of it though and is seeing a therapist. Why the can't I be upset at her behavior but she can of mine. This goes on and on. Is this typical?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, I can see why she thought that would freak out your children. If you’re that concerned then perhaps hiking is not the best hobby.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Todd Feldman said:


> During the house purchase, I was super anxious all day for several days. She could not stand my anxiety. The stock market was dropping big and the down payment was in stocks. I was not sure what to do with the covid. She brings that up too, that it is bad for the kids to see that. We are all human. She has her own issues. She has a different type of anxiety and is so moody. She is aware of it though and is seeing a therapist. Why the can't I be upset at her behavior but she can of mine. This goes on and on. Is this typical?


How does her moodiness display? Is she biting peoples' heads off? Or, is she quiet and displays when hounded?


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Yeah, I can see why she thought that would freak out your children. If you’re that concerned then perhaps hiking is not the best hobby.


Agreed, I am a sensitive guy. On the other side I am empathetic. I am like my mom. Also, took me 6 years to overcome the chronic illness.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> How does her moodiness display? Is she biting peoples' heads off? Or, is she quiet and displays when hounded?


She bites back and complains at little things. Yesterday, I was parking the car in reverse and kept hitting the curb and she was getting mad at me.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

How long have you two been married? How old are you guys? Anxiety sucks, for you and the people around you. Speak to your doctor. There are meds like lexapro that can help you balance your emotional outbursts. If you were hiking with your family and young kids are started crying over a tick, that would have me concerned as your wife was.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Here is what I can tell you.

Your feelings are your own. You get to have them. You get to express them. They are as deep and as personal as anything gets. I don't have any issues with someone who is tune with themselves, what they are going through, and what they are feeling.

Here is the thing to be aware of about feelings. 'Life' overall, gives not a whit about your feelings. Does. Not. Care. And as an adjunct to that, people have no obligation to be responsive to, respectful of, or appreciate your feelings. 

And the most important lesson I've learned in my personal journey and study of relationship dynamics over the last 20 years? The kind of outburst and emotional 'unsettledness' you expressed may be 100% valid in terms of your overall concern about your health. But ... emotional 'unsteadiness' in a man is absolutely toxic to a womans attraction for him. Full stop. 

People can wish it were not so, or talk about it not being correct, fair, justified ... whatever. It is truth. Almost everyone has or can understand empathy. If someone you love, respect, or care about is going through emotionally challenging or difficult times, you feel for them. You likely offer emotional or material comfort and support. However, empathy is like a well. It can run dry. And once it does, that's it. And as you indicate, your wife's lack of response, or disdain for your displays of emotional stress, 'make you feel like a horrible person'. 

We say it a lot around here, but it bears repeating; your feelings are yours. Blaming your wife and her response for how you feel simply is not the way to approach the issue.

Occurrences such as this can certainly be seen differently based upon the lens someone is viewing them. You see your wife expressing her displeasure in a negative light. Well, I'm here to tell you that you should consider yourself fortunate that she chose to clearly and concisely tell you where she's at. What she did was a GOOD thing ... regardless of how you FEEL about it.

It indicates that she wants to find a resolution or solution. That could be as simple as you both doing some self-examination. Could mean some behavior modification from both of you. Could mean counseling. Could mean the end of your marriage. 

If you suspect that you may be faced with some challenges surrounding anxiety or depression, I can only strongly urge you to have a serious discussion with your doctor. There are plenty of medications, or lifestyle changes that can help mitigate both.

And I'd ask you to think about the statement you made that your wife avoids or buries stress. Were that statement factually accurate, odds are your wife would not have said what she did to you, and instead you would think everything was fine ... while she either quietly planned an exit strategy, or started fishing around for a side-piece to replace you.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> How long have you two been married? How old are you guys? Anxiety sucks, for you and the people around you. Speak to your doctor. There are meds like lexapro that can help you balance your emotional outbursts. If you were hiking with your family and young kids are started crying over a tick, that would have me concerned as your wife was.


44 and 39. Lyme disease ****ed me up, not just a regular bug. She is just over it. Feel like she is out of love with me. I experienced this behavior when we were dating from time to time. It happens once every year to three years. Since she has become a mother she has zero patience for it. I just wish there was more compassion versus anger. It is hard to control what is programmed.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Deejo said:


> Here is what I can tell you.
> 
> Your feelings are your own. You get to have them. You get to express them. They are as deep and as personal as anything gets. I don't have any issues with someone who is tune with themselves, what they are going through, and what they are feeling.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the response. Well, I approached her and apologized for my over reaction. This is what always happens I have to bring it out of her because I can feel her disdain. Then she basically goes into all the past behaviors she remembers and anchors on.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Todd Feldman said:


> Why the can't I be upset at her behavior but she can of mine. This goes on and on. Is this typical?


Yes. It's typical. 

Do you respect one another?


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Deejo said:


> Yes. It's typical.
> 
> Do you respect one another?


Yes, we do, when things are normal. I have a PhD and she is from a police cop family. She complains I can't fix stuff around the house a lot. Basically, as long as she is nice that is all I need. I have to be the bread winner, help with the kids, clean, cook etc.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Todd Feldman said:


> 44 and 39. Lyme disease ****ed me up, not just a regular bug. She is just over it. Feel like she is out of love with me. I experienced this behavior when we were dating from time to time. It happens once every year to three years. Since she has become a mother she has zero patience for it. I just wish there was more compassion versus anger. It is hard to control what is programmed.


She probably is out of love for you, because women cannot be in love with, and attracted to a man that they don’t respect. 
And women cannot respect a man who they do not see a strong and masculine (that doesn’t mean you need to be a badass MMA fighter, just not weak and emotionally reactive).

Weak, emotionally reactive men make women feel unsafe. How can you protect her and your family if you can’t even control your own emotions and fears.

Your wife needs you to be a strong, masculine, competent man. She needs you to be her rock that she can depend on physically and emotionally. Women respect strength and despise weak men. This is just reality.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Todd Feldman said:


> Yes, we do, when things are normal. I have a PhD and she is from a police cop family. She complains I can't fix stuff around the house a lot. Basically, as long as she is nice that is all I need. I have to be the bread winner, help with the kids, clean, cook etc.


So she doesn't work?

The bottom line is it sounds like she isn't very nice to you. Not much you can do to change that. Only you know how happy you are in your marriage and if you want to stay in it.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

DudeInProgress said:


> She probably is out of love for you, because women cannot be in love with, and attracted to a man that they don’t respect.
> And women cannot respect a man who they do not see a strong and masculine (that doesn’t mean you need to be a badass MMA fighter, just not weak and emotionally reactive).
> 
> Weak, emotionally reactive men make women feel unsafe. How can you protect her and your family if you can’t even control your own emotions and fears.
> ...


Okay, I do MMA and bjj by the way. I am tough, most things do not phase me. Travelled to many developing countries, hiked massive mountains, but somethings I am sensitive to things and react.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

My daughter is very similar to me and this makes it worse because my daughter does similar things. Whenever, she has to deal with my daughter I know she is hating me. My son is like her though and moody But I don't get mad at her.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Livvie said:


> So she doesn't work?
> 
> The bottom line is it sounds like she isn't very nice to you. Not much you can do to change that. Only you know how happy you are in your marriage and if you want to stay in it.


Works very little.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'd say yes, your wife doesn't like who you are.

What will you do about that?

I had Lyme. Had to go the the hospital via ambulance due to extreme fever and malaise.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

* "A Vulcan wouldn't cry out so"*


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Todd Feldman said:


> Okay, I do MMA and bjj by the way. I am tough, most things do not phase me. Travelled to many developing countries, hiked massive mountains, but somethings I am sensitive to things and react.


Good, you’re physically tough and capable. That’s important but it’s only half of it. You need to be emotionally strong and dependable as well.

Your wife needs you to lead the marriage and the family. And as a leader, you need to be emotionally strong and not reactive in that way. It undermines her trust, confidence and respect for you. Which destroys her love and attraction for you. Right or wrong, that’s the way it is.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I'd say yes, your wife doesn't like who you are.
> 
> What will you do about that?
> 
> I had Lyme. Had to go the the hospital via ambulance due to extreme fever and malaise.


I guess it a long-term rebuild I need to do. FYI, these episodes occur not that often, not on a daily basis, every couple of years. My point of view it is not that bad. But maybe I am rationalizing it.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

DudeInProgress said:


> Good, you’re physically tough and capable. That’s important but it’s only half of it. You need to be emotionally strong and dependable as well.
> 
> Your wife needs you to lead the marriage and the family. And as a leader, you need to be emotionally strong and not reactive in that way. It undermines her trust, confidence and respect for you. Which destroys her love and attraction for you. Right or wrong, that’s the way it is.


I get it. I also provide monetarily for everything. I am caring and a good father. I am a professor so I have flexibility to take care of the kids. This is the one thing I have trouble with. But I guess it means a lot.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Todd Feldman said:


> I guess it a long-term rebuild I need to do. FYI, these episodes occur not that often, not on a daily basis, every couple of years. My point of view it is not that bad. But maybe I am rationalizing it.


It’s not about a logical assessment on her part. It’s an emotional and visceral reaction that makes a big impact. You can’t negotiate this with her, it’s how she feels and therefore it’s her reality.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

DudeInProgress said:


> It’s not about a logical assessment on her part. It’s an emotional and visceral reaction that makes a big impact. You can’t negotiate this with her, it’s how she feels and therefore it’s her reality.


I need to learn not to react emotionally then is the only solution to make it work then.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Todd Feldman said:


> I get it. I also provide monetarily for everything. I am caring and a good father. I am a professor so I have flexibility to take care of the kids. This is the one thing I have trouble with. But I guess it means a lot.


Being a good father and a good provider gets you relationship points, it’s stability and stability is good. But those things get you zero attraction/desire/“IN love with” points.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If this only happens every once in a while (years) time scale and this is your main issue it seems like something doesn’t add up.

Are there more minor incidents of this that build up and she swallows them and then the water works start and then she unloads on you?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Todd Feldman said:


> I need to learn not to react emotionally then is the only solution to make it work then.


That’s my thought


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Todd Feldman said:


> I need to learn not to react emotionally then is the only solution to make it work then.


Yes. Women are not usually that comfortable with emotional men — especially those who cry over what we consider minor stuff. We can end up feeling like we have another child to deal with. That’s just the reality of life (and I’m speaking as someone who was married for decades to a big, strong, impressive — and emotional — man).


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Yes. Women are not usually that comfortable with emotional men — especially those who cry over what we consider minor stuff. We can end up feeling like we have another child to deal with. That’s just the reality of life (and I’m speaking as someone who was married for decades to a big, strong, impressive — and emotional — man).


Not what I want to hear but you are right. She has said this, having another child.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My children and I have been through a lot of awful things and many times I had to force myself to appear calm and keep a calm demeanour in front of them when things happened. 
You can always go away somewhere if you need to express emotion but not in front of the children.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Were you dressed appropriately for hiking? If that was something that was in your control, then I can see why your wife would be irritated. Your meltdown triggered your daughter and then your wife had two people she had to soothe.

Since you are the emotional type, I suggest you grow a tougher skin. No one likes to be around a drama queen. 

And, learn how to parallel park. I know it's harder nowadays with the way vehicles are built. But, you really can damage the suspension. Plus, it's jarring to the passengers which is where her irritation came in.

There's nothing that says you can't call your wife out on her moodiness.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Todd Feldman said:


> She keeps saying we are not meant for each other.





Todd Feldman said:


> When I had Lyme my kids were small and the burden of small children really made my wife resent me.





Todd Feldman said:


> She bites back and complains at little things.





Todd Feldman said:


> She complains I can't fix stuff around the house a lot. Basically, as long as she is nice that is all I need. I have to be the bread winner, help with the kids, clean, cook etc.


^^THIS^^ is what stood out to me. Your wife doesn't respect you at all. And, you are right - she doesn't like you either. So she doesn't think you're meant to be, resents you, complains about "little things," and you "have" to be the one earning the money and doing chores/childcare.

Sadly, it sounds as if your wife wants to keep you around for the paycheck. And all you want in return is for her to be "nice." I'm not sure what "nice" encompasses, but I'd want more than that from a marriage partner. Sorry to say it, but we women aren't attracted to guys who get nervous and jumpy when they encounter stressful situations. 

I'm just wondering how much you can really change. After all, you are what you are. 

And P.S. - Your wife doesn't sound like any prize .... JMO.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

We have good times especially on date nights. We get along. The stress of raising kids is a lot. I don’t want it to end. There are good times.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> ^^THIS^^ is what stood out to me. Your wife doesn't respect you at all. And, you are right - she doesn't like you either. So she doesn't think you're meant to be, resents you, complains about "little things," and you "have" to be the one earning the money and doing chores/childcare.
> 
> Sadly, it sounds as if your wife wants to keep you around for the paycheck. And all you want in return is for her to be "nice." I'm not sure what "nice" encompasses, but I'd want more than that from a marriage partner. Sorry to say it, but we women aren't attracted to guys who get nervous and jumpy when they encounter stressful situations.
> 
> ...


I know it does not sound good. We have two kids though, still in elementary school. I want to try to make it work. The only thing I can do is try to change.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Of course I live in an expensive area. Her family is here. Mine is not. I have no close friends either in the area, just acquittances at work, gym etc. I know it is pathetic. My family is the only thing I have. I can't lose it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Todd Feldman said:


> Of course I live in an expensive area. Her family is here. Mine is not. I have no close friends either in the area, just acquittances at work, gym etc. I know it is pathetic. My family is the only thing I have. I can't lose it.


Then you are operating from a position of fear, and that is problematic. It will impact your ability to lead from a position of confidence vs. fear.

A little fear can be a useful thing but if it overshadows your positive motivations and confidence, it will end up being counterproductive and unattractive, and self-fulfilling.
Best recommendation on that is to build a plan (vision, goals, strategy, structure, execution) on how you want to be and what you want for your family. Then focus on that, not your fear of what you could lose.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Todd Feldman said:


> I got Lyme disease years ago and battled back after many years. The other day I was hiking in the woods and found a tick in my leg when I was with the kids and wife. I freaked out a little and got emotional. My wife kept saying it is not a big deal you just got the bite and your freaking out our daughter. At the moment I felt lost and scared and got mad back saying she does not understand. She later on told me she can't deal with emotional outbreaks in front of the kids. I had one last year during March 2020 when we were in the process of buying a home and Covid hit. I got anxious.
> 
> My wife and her family's way of dealing with stress is to hide it and never display it. My family and I is to have an emotional outburst but we are better and fine after it. She can't stand that about me. I have a hard time when my wife hides stress because I always know, she gets super moody.
> 
> She keeps saying we are not meant for each other. We are totally good and love each other when things are not stressful. It is just when things get stressful our two different ways of dealing create problems. I know having an emotional thing as an adult is not okay, but I just hate how there is no empathy. She makes me feel like a horrible person. The idea of separating with two young kids seems horrendous.


No offense, I understand where you're coming from, but...if my husband started crying, I would be super turned off. Just being honest. I'd even be embarrassed.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Todd Feldman said:


> I got Lyme disease years ago and battled back after many years. The other day I was hiking in the woods and found a tick in my leg when I was with the kids and wife. I freaked out a little and got emotional. My wife kept saying it is not a big deal you just got the bite and your freaking out our daughter. At the moment I felt lost and scared and got mad back saying she does not understand. She later on told me she can't deal with emotional outbreaks in front of the kids. I had one last year during March 2020 when we were in the process of buying a home and Covid hit. I got anxious.
> 
> My wife and her family's way of dealing with stress is to hide it and never display it. My family and I is to have an emotional outburst but we are better and fine after it. She can't stand that about me. I have a hard time when my wife hides stress because I always know, she gets super moody.
> 
> She keeps saying we are not meant for each other. We are totally good and love each other when things are not stressful. It is just when things get stressful our two different ways of dealing create problems. I know having an emotional thing as an adult is not okay, but I just hate how there is no empathy. She makes me feel like a horrible person. The idea of separating with two young kids seems horrendous.


The problem is, like your wife said, you're freaking the kids out. That's the least of it. Kids are impressionable. They learn from their parents. You're teaching them to be terrified of a tick. Emotional outburts ARE scary to kids, even though they themselves have them at times. But they learn from you, so if you escalate like that, so will they. So your wife is right about that. I totally get your fear of ticks now. But you always have to be mindful of what that does to your kids. It's like passing on a fear of dogs or swimming to them. It can cripple them for life and make it hard for them as adults to be flexible and live different places. 

When I used to mind a model home while the boss was off, I met more than one person from back east who were here for a job promotion and then found out bugs were inevitable in this part of the country and couldn't deal with moving here. Lots of people are afraid of water because one of their parents passed that down to them. 

Think of your kids first. You're an adult. You need to learn to contain yourself. Your theory that your family's way of going off and spewing is healthy is not valid, I'm afraid. Do you want to do something like that in front of your employer. So instead of spewing, just take precautions and wear repellant. Sorry you had Lyme. I know it's bad.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

GC1234 said:


> No offense, I understand where you're coming from, but...if my husband started crying, I would be super turned off. Just being honest. I'd even be embarrassed.


I know. Why can’t men cry?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

GC1234 said:


> No offense, I understand where you're coming from, but...if my husband started crying, I would be super turned off. Just being honest. I'd even be embarrassed.


Umm....

No mercy, none for the sensitive man.
I am a weeper, I live with _Martians_.
I am locked away in the closet, away from those, who do not care.



_The Typist-_


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Todd Feldman said:


> I know. Why can’t men cry?


Honestly, men can cry when it's appropriate, not when they see a tick. 
I don't even trust women who are big criers in public. It's a lack of restraint and self-control.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So Professor, how’s your sex life with the little lady? She and you say she doesn’t like who you are......... 
Why are you devoting all your time and energy into a woman that in my opinion, could decide she a going to bail any day? 

the crying over a tick bite? No, unacceptable. Unattractive. If someone saw you do that she’d be embarrassed. Definitely no respect for you, but what is so bad is you don’t seem to mind that. I worry for you that she is not attracted to you and only stays for the easy life you provide.

again, it’s none of my business,I’m not interested in a bad way, I just think your sex life will tell a lot about your wife’s feelings. Frequency?

my guess is that it’s very infrequent.

you do MMA....had any fights?

you sound like an impressive guy other than the overly emotional part. If think there’d be lots of ladies that would actually say they liked who you are.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> So Professor, how’s your sex life with the little lady? She and you say she doesn’t like who you are.........
> Why are you devoting all your time and energy into a woman that in my opinion, could decide she a going to bail any day?
> 
> the crying over a tick bite? No, unacceptable. Unattractive. If someone saw you do that she’d be embarrassed. Definitely no respect for you, but what is so bad is you don’t seem to mind that. I worry for you that she is not attracted to you and only stays for the easy life you provide.
> ...


Twice a month. Mostly do bjj training and some mma just for fun. Yes I know I need to be more of a man.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, you do need to if you want to keep your wife.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Todd Feldman said:


> Twice a month. Mostly do bjj training and some mma just for fun. Yes I know I need to be more of a man.


No, you sound like a helluva man, just have to get more control of your emotions.
That said, the right woman would treasure you. I think it’s likely that you May have the wrong one. I greatly admire several of the things you’ve mentioned about yourself.

twice a month..... is that acceptable to you? Does she initiate?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Todd Feldman said:


> I want to try to make it work. The only thing I can do is try to change.


I'm all for positive change in men and women. But it sounds like you are coming from the perspective of, "If I change, it will save my marriage and get my wife to respect me." It may work, but it may not. But if you are changing yourself in order to save the marriage, then you're the one doing all the heavy lifting. And, I've gotta be really blunt here: Your needs and expectations are so low, that the chance of you having a quality woman are slim. To begin with, you only expect her to be "nice" to you. Of course she should be "nice" to you - she's your WIFE. But I mean WTH???? The cashier at the grocery store is nice to me. So what?

Having fun date nights is all well and good. But it doesn't make a marriage great. And sex twice a month? Wow. That's just sad.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

this is so obvious. you better fix yourself if you don't want to hear a riddle. ILYBIANILWY. Because its coming. And soon.

The academic community has siphoned your masculinity by the drivel they preach about equality, feminism, gender multiplicity, bla, bla bla. It's BS when it comes to relationships and everything else. You a big fan of Andrea Dworkin. Sounds like you've been brainwashed. PhD. Ok. Who cares. Just another Stepford man. This is fixable. Here's what you need to do but please don't tell the wife. Let her see it for herself.

Up the masculinity bigtime. . Your Beta (provider, cooking, cleaning, great guy, cry baby. Nice-Guy) has overridden your alpha (fking hunter, leader, doer, master of his world, non-emotional, doesn't talk so fking much). 

Save your 'crying' ass lol Im actually laughing dude. Read Practical Female Psychology for the Practical Man -- Joe south; MMSP Married man Sex primer - athol Kay. You can download PFPPM and start reading right now.

Kindly report back after reading these books. They may save your marriage. Good Luck crying man.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> No offense, I understand where you're coming from, but...if my husband started crying, *I would be super turned off*. *Just being honest. I'd even be embarrassed.*



I love this response!


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

To be fair, you mentioned this pattern between you two showed itself while you were dating. So it's not like you did a 180 on her and changed. She married you this way.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

It sounds like the frequency of your reactions is draining to her. I think most women would be ok with their husband crying. But it's also important to be able to master your own feelings. If you are not ok, it's normal and perfectly fine to go to therapy to address that, and to get help dealing with your reactions to things. 

If a tick is creating this reaction (and i've known folks with Lyme's disease, so I get why it freaked you out) you probably need to go to therapy to address how chronic illness has effected you. Chronic illness is super tough on the people suffering from it. They get to hear things like "it's all in your head" and "if you exercize and eat right I'm sure you'll do great." Which is not helpful. 

However, you need to realize that for your partner it is really exhausting because in addition to doing the caretaking for kids, instead of having your help with them as a team, she was taking care of you too. Which is right, and is what we should do for a partner who is sick. But that doesn't lessen the feelings of resentment, annoyance, etc. at having to be the leader, when you want to be a partner. So while you may feel it's very unfair of her, recognize that in many ways, this was just as difficult for her to have to help your kids deal with your reactions to things instead of you guys managing your kids together.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I understand your panic about risk of getting Lyme disease again, after suffering for years from it. It's not like you do this every day and nothing wrong with men showing emotions. Lyme disease is debilitating so I understand the reaction. Men have too much pressure to not show emotions and told to man up. No wonder so many struggle with mental health. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It sounds like you two need a therapist. The answer if not for you to change who you are that’s crazy. The answer is for you two to meet in the middle and help each other out during times of stress and hardship. I think you guys need therapy on this specific issue. 

My question is… are you there to support her when she needs it? Are you taking more energy away from her then giving?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Sheesh.

Give me a crying man any day! Or anybody Not afraid to show emotion - yes, especially in front of kids!

Kids do need to see parents lose it, cry and be scared.
Because then the parents are naturally going to be alright once they’ve released some emotions. So the child learns it’s ok and normal to have these feelings, because all feelings go away, even the nice ones.

I can’t imagine not showing the full range of emotions to my children - how are they going to cope in life when life does turn ugly?

Crying dad or ice-cold mum who seethes on the inside and too tough to be scared.

If I was a scared kid, I know who I’d turn to for a hug and a kind word. And in that environment, god help your kids if they do get sick, how would mother cope with that? 😏


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Ladies do not generally respect men that react to things in such a way. It is what it is.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Enigma32 said:


> Ladies do not generally respect men that react to things in such a way. It is what it is.


I agree, but I thin OP said this is only once every _few_ years. She can’t handle that? Me thinks she finding a reason to bail.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> I agree, but I thin OP said this is only once every _few_ years. She can’t handle that? Me thinks she finding a reason to bail.


Oh. I guess I misread it then. Once every few years is really not a lot.


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## Yoni (Feb 7, 2021)

I think she is type of personality easy going and ur bit sensitive person. This type of doesn't go well. 
Need BTW understand each other


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s providing. The cleaning and cooking when he gets home. I suspect she doesn’t do much on her end but enjoy life and has gotten bored with him and let’s face it, she is an ideal candidate for cheating walk away wife syndrome. Sex twice a month? Doesn’t like “who he is” Suspicious.
I agree that the ILYBINILWY speech is likely coming soon. Very sad.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> He’s providing. The cleaning and cooking when he gets home. I suspect she doesn’t do much on her end but enjoy life and has gotten bored with him and let’s face it, she is an ideal candidate for cheating walk away wife syndrome. Sex twice a month? Doesn’t like “who he is” Suspicious.
> I agree that the ILYBINILWY speech is likely coming soon. Very sad.


Couldn’t agree more. She’s laying out the foundation for her exit.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Todd Feldman said:


> She keeps saying we are not meant for each other.


Sadly, if someone keeps saying stuff like this, they are probably telling you how they really feel.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

If you took out a curb in my car, you’d be walking.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If my husband reacted like that, I too would be so turned off, and embarrassed. Omg.



Todd Feldman said:


> I know. Why can’t men cry?


They can, we all cry. But over devastating life events like the death of a loved one, or momentous life events like the birth of a child. 

Over seeing a tick? Ridiculous. The equivalent of a woman screaming and crying over seeing a mouse. For god sake, stop it Karen 🤦‍♀️


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

The strength of a couple is tested in stressful times, so saying that there is a crisis only in stressful times, and you're fine during good times is not proof of a sustainable marriage. You both need to see a marriage counsellor or a therapist like some suggested already; they will help you find ways to meet each other halfway. You sound resentful of her because of the way she handles stress and you relate that she doesn't respect you for the way you handle fear. Each of you is reproducing their family members' not-so-healthy reactions, and you are handing down these reactions to your kids because you have not worked on your issues. The pattern can stop with you if you acknowledge that it's a problem and work on overcoming your fears without melting down in front of your children. Help your kids deal with stress in their lives by starting with yourself.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Todd Feldman said:


> Okay, I do MMA and bjj by the way. I am tough, most things do not phase me. Travelled to many developing countries, hiked massive mountains, but somethings I am sensitive to things and react.


Except ticks. And home purchases.

So which guy would you have us believe you to be?

The guy that nothing phases?

Or the guy that comes apart when things are challenging?

How do you respond when someone sinks hooks and a seatbelt?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Todd Feldman said:


> I guess it a long-term rebuild I need to do. FYI, these episodes occur not that often, not on a daily basis, every couple of years. My point of view it is not that bad. But maybe I am rationalizing it.


Maybe. 

But remember...any rebuild that leads you to become a less authentic version of yourself is nothing but a short term 'solution'.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Luckylucky said:


> Sheesh.
> 
> Give me a crying man any day! Or anybody Not afraid to show emotion - yes, especially in front of kids!
> 
> ...


I agree 100% with this. 

My husband suffers from an incurable disease. So far he's been in a lot of pain, daily, debilitating pain, 6 months out of the year for the last 12 years.

Our kids and I have been his support through out these years. He doesn't really cry but he gets loud and moans loudly when he's in pain. My kids know what to do if I'm not home and he has an "attack" coming. They are not traumatized. They are knowledgeable, they are effective at helping dad through pain. They have compassion and patience. If we have to change plans, they understand. They understand how vulnerable we are when sick. They also know there's a small chance they might get something similar when they grow up. This is what it means to be a human being. 

My kids are more mature than other kids their own age. I'm proud of that. 

My husband is tough. He's a super human, I really don't know how he does it. Most women, who have the same condition say the pain is worse than childbirth. They suffer daily childbirth pain. I have a lot of admiration for my husband and I wish he would cry more often. 

I absolutely freaked out when I found a tick on my husband once. I've seen what Lyme disease does to a person. I don't need that crap in my life and I avoid the woods for that reason. 

I'm so sorry you've been through Lyme. I understand your fear and I don't think you are overreacting at all. PTSD from a chronic disease is real. 

Being a supporter of someone who has a chronic disease is not easy. In our support group we've seen divorces, companies firing sufferers, PTSD, suicides. Most people have no clue how devastating a chronic disease really is. Most people can't handle it either. If you are not really committed to understand and help your loved one, it's better to let that person go because you are going to have a lot of resentment towards the sufferer. The resentment builds up until you blow up. 

I don't think your wife is understanding of your fear. Like I said, not everyone is understanding. 

I chose to stay with my husband despite his condition. I'm the one who's researching. I'm the one who gets the meds. I'm the one running around like a headless chicken when things get tough. I'm his anchor, and I'm happy to be it. I cry about it and I know my husband has cried too. We are in this together, for better and worse. In sickness and in health. I don't hear you saying the same from your wife. I'm sorry you are alone in fear. 

You have the right to be the way you are and express your feelings the way you want to express them. You are unique, different from your wife. If she has a problem with the way you express your emotions, that's her issue. Not yours. If you want to cry, cry and tell her to leave you alone with your own feelings. This should be a right for everyone. Since when crying is so bad? 

My dad never cried. He acts so tough all the time. The day I saw him crying while going through chemo, I couldn't cry with him. I didn't know what to do. I felt so unprepared to comfort my own father. This broke my heart, and I can't let this happen to my kids. Kids need to be prepared to face many emotional situations in life. Crying is good for the heart and the mind. 

As you see I'm a wife who's not afraid of a crying husband. I think you have to change the way you set your own rights and boundaries at home. Stop giving so much until you get the respect and support you need and deserve. Sorry about the long post. I couldn't help myself!


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> Maybe.
> 
> But remember...any rebuild that leads you to become a





farsidejunky said:


> Maybe.
> 
> But remember...any rebuild that leads you to become a less authentic version of yourself is nothing but a short term 'solution'.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


with respect, I really hate this type of advice. “Don’t change who you are, you need to be authentic self, etc.”

Where I’ll agree, is always stay true to your core beliefs and foundational principles / values. Don’t sacrifice those, ever.

Aside from that though, you should change the things about yourself that aren’t working.
We all have weaknesses and downsides and things that are less than great about ourselves - and we should be continually working on improving ourselves. We should be continually striving to be better, stronger, faster, smarter, more effective. And that means changing and burning off the parts of you that suck.

If something about you is problematic or not helping you be who you want to be and achieve what you want to achieve – and it’s not a core value/principal/belief - then you change it and make yourself better.
We choose our behaviors and we are in control of them. If some of our natural behaviors/reactions are sub-optimal, we can choose to change them for better outcomes. Not saying it’s easy, but very doable if we choose to.

And changing the weaker, less effective, less attractive things about ourselves is not being un-authentic, it’s called getting better.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Also one other thing that is important to consider:

When your wife gets angry with you, isn't that ALSO an emotional outburst?

"I swear...you look just like...you must have a twin, because you're the spitting image of someone who just said to me emotional outbursts are unwelcome."

Say it in a cool, firm, and dispassionate manner. That is how you simultaneously (and in a subtle manner) tell her to stuff it while maintaining your emotional center. 


Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

DudeInProgress said:


> with respect, I really hate this type of advice. “Don’t change who you are, you need to be authentic self, etc.”
> 
> Where I’ll agree, is always stay true to your core beliefs and foundational principles. Don’t sacrifice those.
> 
> ...


We are saying the same thing in a different manner.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> We are saying the same thing in a different manner.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Fair enough 👍


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Never admit your fear of spiders or ticks.

.................................................................................................

I got quite a few tick bites while crawling around Ft. Benning, Ga.

In 2003, while in Camp Liberty, a tent city in Iraq, I could hear the screams of my brothers-in-arms when a _camel spider_ came crawling up onto their cot and bed in the middle of the night.
Those buggers are freakin' huge!

Did I say I hate spiders?.......ooops!

I saw some really large spiders in the jungle of S.E. Asia, ugh those woolly tarantulas. 

I saw some really big ones in Japan. They were nesting above the doorways in Japan.

South Carolina has a lot of them that are unpleasant to remove from your face during nightime maneuvers in the swamp.
Ugh, whip em' off!

All those eyes looking at you!
Boo !
Yikes!


_Are Dee-_


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I take it most posters here haven’t had Lyme disease - he was sick for 6 years!

Humans really are the worst.

Stand up to your wife.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

frusdil said:


> If my husband reacted like that, I too would be so turned off, and embarrassed. Omg.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No, it wasn't just seeing a tick, it was on him and bit him. Someone who battled Lyme for 6 years. 

My cousin's wife has chronic Lyme. It's changed her whole adult life. A client's husband got Babiosis (spelling??) from a tick bite, had to be airlifted to a big hospital and almost died. So no, it's not the equivalent of a "Karen" seeing a mouse.

And this doesn't happen all of the time. Sounds like a couple of isolated high stress happenings. His wife sounds like a *****.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Except ticks. And home purchases.
> 
> So which guy would you have us believe you to be?
> 
> ...


I love adventure fighting etc, adrenaline things. Different area. Not a big deal if someone takes my back. Typically money or health related or life events things that get me going. FYI I did not cry in public. When we for in the car I teared up while wife was driving.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Also one other thing that is important to consider:
> 
> When your wife gets angry with you, isn't that ALSO an emotional outburst?
> 
> ...


Exactly, hers is not as intense but more daily. Life in general gets her overwhelmed. For me it does not. Takes a lot of daily life work kids etc for me to get overwhelmed. My point in general is I don’t get scared by things most may. Certain things I get overly emotional. Not crying or drama daily, daily pretty chill. I can have episodes. I bought a house in March 2020 when no one knew about COVID-19. I got the house under asking which is unheard of. Took balls to do what I did, but made me anxious. For several days had very anxious tension my wife still remembers because I displayed it to the kids.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Based on the description here it sounds like your wife is being unjustly mean.

However if you’re reduced to a blubbering wreck (as an example) by events you cannot control on a regular basis in front of her or the children then maybe she has a point.

I know for me when I have a strong emotion like grief I choke it back and try to get away from people before it comes out.

If you have the self control to relax and think about what is going on to shrimp out of a bad position in BJJ then you can shut down the panic in your mind for 10 seconds.

The tick example is interesting because do you want your children to be afraid to go into the woods?


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

pastasauce79 said:


> I agree 100% with this.
> 
> My husband suffers from an incurable disease. So far he's been in a lot of pain, daily, debilitating pain, 6 months out of the year for the last 12 years.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I think a lot of what came out of me was sadness because my wife does do what you do. She kept saying it is fine when it happened. For it brought up years of pain and suffering she did not understand. To her credit the suffering started at the time we had kids and she was so overwhelmed with being a mom. To her credit she gives everything to the kids. My suffering to her has always been a problem for her, she thinks I need all of you now, and resents me having health issues at that particular time. I get it but I can’t help my situation, also went full outside the traditional health route which was problematic for her. I cured myself without doctors. Fasted 35 days on liquid. Did other hard things. Fought so hard, she gives me no credit for that.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Todd Feldman said:


> Thank you. I think a lot of what came out of me was sadness because my wife does do do what you do. She kept saying it is fine when it happened. For it brought up years of pain and suffering she did not understand. To her credit the suffering started at the time we had kids and she was so overwhelmed with being a mom. To her credit she gives everything to the kids. My suffering to her has always been a problem for her, she thinks I need all of you now, and resents me having health issues at that particular time. Like it was selfish of me. I get it but I can’t help my situation, also went full outside the traditional health route which was problematic for her. I cured myself without doctors. Fasted 35 days on liquid. Did other hard things. Fought so hard, she gives me no credit for that. I fought by myself.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Todd Feldman said:


> I love adventure fighting etc, adrenaline things. Different area. Not a big deal if someone takes my back. Typically money or health related or life events things that get me going. FYI I did not cry in public. When we for in the car I teared up while wife was driving.


The not-so-clever BJJ reference was more an inside joke to a fellow jiujitero than anything. I'm not questioning your manhood, toughness, or anything similar. 

What I am questioning is how differently the pictures are being painted over your emotional outburst now versus in your original post. 

Maybe I am misreading it, and if so, disregard. But it certainly has a different feel.

I am not questioning these things because it would make me a hypocrite. Look, brother. When I came to this site over 7 years ago, I was a mess...lost. My wife did not respect me. I did not respect myself. I had no idea how to enforce boundaries, or how to tell my wife she was acting ****ty without getting angry. I allowed too much from her. My marriage was in shambles...sexless...you name it.

All of that changed when I reclaimed my emotional center, which is what another poster was suggesting just a few posts back. BJJ was a HUGE factor in that process, which you are already doing. The other factors were a couple of key books, and some incredibly wise posters on this site.

If I could recommend a book to you:

Hold On To Your N.U.T.'s by Dr. Wayne Levine.

It is a short, yet thorough book on values (N.U.T.s stands for Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms), reclaiming your emotional center, and general understanding of female energy and needs in a relationship. 

Lastly, emotional restraint is one of the most often ****-tested challenges. Humor and discipline are the keys to passing them.



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> Based on the description here it sounds like your wife is being unjustly mean.
> 
> However if you’re reduced to a blubbering wreck (as an example) by events you cannot control on a regular basis in front of her or the children then maybe she has a point.
> 
> ...


I get my ass kicked a lot by higher belts. I have lived in the develop world in rural areas with scorpions snakes etc, I am not a scaredy cat. The tick was a lot of emotion that came out. Emotion that I kept from my wife and kids for years as I battled Lyme among other health issues like parasites from living abroad, without showing that fight to them, hiding it. Her telling to stop framing not a big deal that made it worse. I wanted I understand the fear.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Todd Feldman said:


> Thank you. I think a lot of what came out of me was sadness because my wife does do what you do. She kept saying it is fine when it happened. For it brought up years of pain and suffering she did not understand. To her credit the suffering started at the time we had kids and she was so overwhelmed with being a mom. To her credit she gives everything to the kids. My suffering to her has always been a problem for her, she thinks I need all of you now, and resents me having health issues at that particular time. I get it but I can’t help my situation, also went full outside the traditional health route which was problematic for her. I cured myself without doctors. Fasted 35 days on liquid. Did other hard things. Fought so hard, she gives me no credit for that.


She is not the only one with resentment. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> The not-so-clever BJJ reference was more an inside joke to a fellow jiujitero than anything. I'm not questioning your manhood, toughness, or anything similar.
> 
> What I am questioning is how differently the pictures are being painted over your emotional outburst now versus in your original post.
> 
> ...


Sounds good will read, thanks


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> She is not the only one with resentment.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I have talks about this with her and her response is maybe I am not the woman for you, I can’t give you what you need. She only has so much energy for kids. All about the kids.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Todd Feldman said:


> I have talks about this with her and her response is maybe I am not the woman for you, I can’t give you what you need. She only has so much energy for kids. All about the kids.


Being sick is like having another kid. More emotion to give out she does not have. I think if we did not have kids she would be different.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Todd Feldman said:


> Being sick is like having another kid. More emotion to give out she does not have. I think if we did not have kids she would be different.


I appreciate she is so focused on them. I can’t argue. I wished she give me a little or tiny passion.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Simple question, brother. 

How much worse would it need to get before you consider pulling the plug?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Todd Feldman said:


> I appreciate she is so focused on them. I can’t argue. I wished she give me a little or tiny passion.


When she has an issue her brother and dad are there to fix it, house wise. She has never been exposed to a man that is emotional. Her dad was a cop and brother Air Force. A man for her fixes stuff when needed, is there emotionally for her when needed. A man does not take emotion from her.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Simple question, brother.
> 
> How much worse would it need to get before you consider pulling the plug?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Take a lot more. The kids are so young and not seeing them everyday is crushing, we never used day care or nannies. We are so in their lives a separation would be devasting. They are finally at the age where they will go to school full time. My wife will get her life back some what. Go back to work have time for herself, this I believe will go a long way for her not being so overwhelmed. Maybe wishful thinking but she may go back to how she was a little before kids. Peaceful person.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

FYI when I married her she had a tight immediate family that got along. Brother sister and parents all divorced now, they all keep their emotions inside. Things I did not see at the time. She could say the same about me and my family, too much emotion. She is aware of this. Does not want to be like that and seeing a therapist and trying.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So I went back and read the first post trying to see what you’re hoping to get from this. 

It seems like maybe some ideas to fix things that are not separation and at the same time you think your behavior is fine and your wife’s doesn’t match what you need from her?

It seems odd to me that if your emotions get the best of you very infrequently that it by itself is causing resentment on her part. 

It seems like more of a sum of things like you not being handy combined with probably many others which is why she would say hurtful things like maybe you’re not right for each other.

Have you talked about marriage counseling at all?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Todd Feldman said:


> she may go back to how she was a little before kids. Peaceful person.


I'm starting to get the idea that the person who "can't handle it" in your marriage is your wife, not you. 



Todd Feldman said:


> too much emotion


Exactly. Her FOO provided a stoic, rigid circumstance. 

The only thing I have to say to you is this:

EXPECT NO CHANGE. EVER. She won't. You will both be octogenarians, and this fight will continue.



ccpowerslave said:


> you’re not right for each other.



Correct. You two are at the opposite ends of the emotional pole. Marriage counseling may be able to help, but this is more of a temperament issue.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

TJW said:


> I'm starting to get the idea that the person who "can't handle it" in your marriage is your wife, not you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Agreed, day to day we are good, but if she gets overwhelmed and moody that pushed my buttons. I don’t get moody. When I get emotional over something which happens rarely she anchors on it and remembers it. Pushed her buttons. I just want her and myself included to be more sympathetic to how we operate. If we are okay with how we are programmed we can make it work. Before kids these issues never surfaced. Crazy how bringing kids into the world changes so much.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

I do think sometimes I married the wrong person. This sucks to feel this way. We are not in a position kids wise or money wise just moving last year to a new house to separate. We have to push through. Down the road who knows. Maybe gets better as kids age or stays the same.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I grew up in a stoic family and I am not comfortable showing any emotion. My exH grew up in an emotional family and he was my total opposite. We were married for a very long time and those differences never went away.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Openminded said:


> I grew up in a stoic family and I am not comfortable showing any emotion. My exH grew up in an emotional family and he was my total opposite. We were married for a very long time and those differences never went away.


That’s is right, learning to understand each other and be okay with those differences. Nature demands balance, you can’t marry yourself.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

She puts everything into being a mom. When we have date nights or without kids for the weekend never fight and have a good time. She can’t handle the daily weight of life like kids and too much responsibilities where I can, she can handle better of course negative shocks and I don’t.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Newsflash....women don't like emotionally weak men....


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Todd Feldman said:


> I start saying oh no, a tick is in my leg. I can't believe this. (Super tense). I started crying a little, not weeping.
> It brought up so much emotions already having Lyme. When I had Lyme my kids were small and the burden of small children really made my wife resent me, because I had to deal with my health.


I would honestly blow my brains out if my husband acted like this. I just couldn't respect him if he acted like this. 

Sorry.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I would honestly blow my brains out if my husband acted like this. I just couldn't respect him if he acted like this.
> 
> Sorry.


It’s okay everyone is different. I get it. Respect it.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

You have issues with anxiety. This is not attractive to most women.



Todd Feldman said:


> I have talks about this with her and her response is maybe I am not the woman for you, I can’t give you what you need. She only has so much energy for kids. All about the kids.


And she doesn't need one more kid. You are hanging a great deal of your feeling of self-worth on the shoulders of your wife. She feels that weight and it's very distressing to her. Galactically huge giant turnoff, as well.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

dadstartingover said:


> You have issues with anxiety. This is not attractive to most women.
> 
> 
> 
> And she doesn't need one more kid. You are hanging a great deal of your feeling of self-worth on the shoulders of your wife. She feels that weight and it's very distressing to her. Galactically huge giant turnoff, as well.


I get that . Again not a daily or monthly event here. There can never be a need for emotional support never from me for the things that bother me. Granted I have hard time seeing being moody and daily things bothering her. I don’t let daily life bother me.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Basically a man that has anxiety can never attract a woman?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Just reading this story, brings up a lot of thoughts for me. But I think this has less to do with men can’t cry and more to do with adults manage their emotions. And sometimes, things freak us out and we have to set it aside and process at a later time. Because I immediately empathized with your wife when you told your story. And I had to check myself to determine if it was implicit misogyny that was making me dislike your behavior. So I imagined instead that I was with my best girlfriend and we were out doing something fun. Something happens that while unpleasant wasn’t entirely surprising. She starts freaking out about something that isn’t even a reality (because let’s face it, the tick bite might cause lime disease but there was nothing that could be done about it at that moment, and there was no guarentee that it would cause lime disease). And that’s it. The fun day is over. Now we are dealing with her emotional trauma. And yeah, I’d have resented that. If on the other hand, we had moved on with the hike and then that evening she came to me and said, “Yeah that event really freaked me out and brought up a ton of feelings” she would have had my undivided attention and sympathy. 

Women are fine with emotional men. We are not fine with men who can’t control their emotions. Not because men need to “lead” their families or whatever toxic misogynistic BS is being put forth, but because we expect our significant other to behave like an adult. 

You keep talking about how your wife says that you are just like another kid. Your solution seems to be to wish the kids away so you can be the only child in her life. 

Look, you got handed a raw deal. No question. But so did she. She had a disabled husband for several years. That would have been emotionally and physically taxing on her as well. If you want to improve things, start figuring out ways to appropriately deal with your trauma. Go to counseling, get medication, do what you need to do. And share your feelings with your wife. (After the kids are in bed and the two of you are relaxing.) But don’t ruin what is supposed to be a happy family event with emotional outbursts.

And small TJ: To the people who are making this about gender: Are you suggesting that this behavior is appropriate if a woman did it?


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Having a serious illness really changes people. Not saying it's your fault, but you may not appear to be the same man to her. On the other hand, it sounds like she's not the same woman to you either. 

If you two are able to have a calm, rational discussion and lay these things out, maybe you can start to heal some of the resentments between you.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Todd Feldman said:


> Basically a man that has anxiety can never attract a woman?


Don't fall into this trap. This line of thinking pigeon holes you into a self fulfilling prophecy.

There is a potential way through this without divorce. It will require you to not only emotionally center yourself, but to also show your wife, through actions, that her emotional expectations of you are not what dictates how you operate.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

hamadryad said:


> newsflash....women don't like emotionally weak men....


I got other news. Men don't like emotionally abusive, lazy-assed, entitled women who take advantage of their morally-upright, try-to-make-it-work nature. either. They should do the HONORABLE thing, if they don't like him the way he is, they should leave with NO FURTHER financial or emotional dependence upon him. Go the hell to work, make it on their own.



farsidejunky said:


> show your wife, through actions, that her emotional expectations of you are not what dictates how you operate.


Amen. You don't need any divorce, any lawyers. Just tell her where to get off.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

FYI, I apologized to my wife about the behavior. I sat the kids down and talked to them. I dealt with the aftermath in a mature way. I always mature once out of the triggered moment. But still weighs on her.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Don't fall into this trap. This line of thinking pigeon holes you into a self fulfilling prophecy.
> 
> There is a potential way through this without divorce. It will require you to not only emotionally center yourself, but to also show your wife, through actions, that her emotional expectations of you are not what dictates how you operate.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Yes, thank you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Did I read correctly that you treated Lyme disease yourself, without seeing a doctor or without using antibiotics?

If so, I’d be understanding of your wife’s resentment over your own self treatment, because to me that would be crazy and I would think you were causing yourself and the family undue suffering because for some reason you don’t believe in modern medicine.

just asking, because I want to understand.
Last of all, if you treated yourself, what was your treatment?


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Did I read correctly that you treated Lyme disease yourself, without seeing a doctor or without using antibiotics?
> 
> If so, I’d be understanding of your wife’s resentment over your own self treatment, because to me that would be crazy and I would think you were causing yourself and the family undue suffering because for some reason you don’t believe in modern medicine.
> 
> ...


I did use abx which worked and got me half way there but also killed my good bacteria and made me more sensitive. I prefer not to get into my thinking of health. Do you agree there are many sick people out there, with autoimmune, cancer, heart disease, etc and rarely people get better? There are no good solutions to chronic problems. I figured out what my body needed by being open and having the guts to experiment. I am not your normal dude as you can see. Somethings I have zero fear, will experiment. Being open to explore past the boundaries humans have created.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Todd Feldman said:


> Do you agree there are many sick people out there, with autoimmune, cancer, heart disease, etc and rarely people get better?


This has been my observation over 69 years of life, yes. These diseases seem to only get better and worse, but are not cured. There is coming a day when there will be cures. But the day is not today.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

BlueWoman said:


> Just reading this story, brings up a lot of thoughts for me. But I think this has less to do with men can’t cry and more to do with adults manage their emotions. And sometimes, things freak us out and we have to set it aside and process at a later time. Because I immediately empathized with your wife when you told your story. And I had to check myself to determine if it was implicit misogyny that was making me dislike your behavior. So I imagined instead that I was with my best girlfriend and we were out doing something fun. Something happens that while unpleasant wasn’t entirely surprising. She starts freaking out about something that isn’t even a reality (because let’s face it, the tick bite might cause lime disease but there was nothing that could be done about it at that moment, and there was no guarentee that it would cause lime disease). And that’s it. The fun day is over. Now we are dealing with her emotional trauma. And yeah, I’d have resented that. If on the other hand, we had moved on with the hike and then that evening she came to me and said, “Yeah that event really freaked me out and brought up a ton of feelings” she would have had my undivided attention and sympathy.
> 
> Women are fine with emotional men. We are not fine with men who can’t control their emotions. Not because men need to “lead” their families or whatever toxic misogynistic BS is being put forth, but because we expect our significant other to behave like an adult.
> 
> ...


I agree, I know this behavior is not good. I am always glad trying to improve myself. Yoga, mediation, tried counseling, breathing. This year I got off from that because was locked together since March of last year homeschooling and working. She knows I try to improve. This year was hard. I tell her I know this behavior is wrong. I not saying it is not. I am comfortable facing my true self. I need to do better to center myself.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

TJW said:


> This has been my observation over 69 years of life, yes. These diseases seem to only get better and worse, but are not cured. There is coming a day when there will be cures. But the day is not today.


I fully cured myself. This is rare. My understanding of health is two things toxicity in the body and stress. I got all the toxicity in the body out, obviously still working on the stress.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Her brother is an alcoholic . She got books to underrstand, went to his house frequently. Why empathy there but not with her husband?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TJW said:


> I got other news. Men don't like emotionally abusive, lazy-assed, entitled women who take advantage of their morally-upright, try-to-make-it-work nature. either. They should do the HONORABLE thing, if they don't like him the way he is, they should leave with NO FURTHER financial or emotional dependence upon him. Go the hell to work, make it on their own.
> 
> 
> 
> Amen. You don't need any divorce, any lawyers. Just tell her where to get off.


How much better your life would have been (and still could be even now) if you took your own advice.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BlueWoman said:


> Just reading this story, brings up a lot of thoughts for me. But I think this has less to do with men can’t cry and more to do with adults manage their emotions. And sometimes, things freak us out and we have to set it aside and process at a later time. Because I immediately empathized with your wife when you told your story. And I had to check myself to determine if it was implicit misogyny that was making me dislike your behavior. So I imagined instead that I was with my best girlfriend and we were out doing something fun. Something happens that while unpleasant wasn’t entirely surprising. She starts freaking out about something that isn’t even a reality (because let’s face it, the tick bite might cause lime disease but there was nothing that could be done about it at that moment, and there was no guarentee that it would cause lime disease). And that’s it. The fun day is over. Now we are dealing with her emotional trauma. And yeah, I’d have resented that. If on the other hand, we had moved on with the hike and then that evening she came to me and said, “Yeah that event really freaked me out and brought up a ton of feelings” she would have had my undivided attention and sympathy.
> 
> Women are fine with emotional men. We are not fine with men who can’t control their emotions. Not because men need to “lead” their families or whatever toxic misogynistic BS is being put forth, but because we expect our significant other to behave like an adult.
> 
> ...


Not ideal for anyone. being emotionally strong and in control is good in general.

BUT, men and women are different, I know that must sound crazy to you. But for the majority of humans, there are different behavioral and leadership expectations for men and women in a relationship.

And it is far more important within the context of a relationship for men to be strong, emotionally centered and in control. Women need this from men far more than men need it from women. And when women sees a man as weaker or lacking emotional control, she loses respect and attraction for him. It does not work quite the same way in reverse, certainly not to the same degree.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Todd Feldman said:


> FYI, I apologized to my wife about the behavior. I sat the kids down and talked to them. I dealt with the aftermath in a mature way. I always mature once out of the triggered moment. But still weighs on her.


It weighs on her because it undermines her confidence in you, and your ability to be strong and effective in the event of a real crisis. You can explain it logically, you can talk about the reasons etc. but it impacts her confidence on an emotional level. That’s not right or wrong, it just is. 
The good news- as I’m sure you’ve experienced with BJJ to an extent (it’s different but I think there’s a parallel), you can absolutely train yourself to be less emotionally reactive.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BlueWoman said:


> Women are fine with emotional men. We are not fine with men who can’t control their emotions. Not because men need to “lead” their families or whatever toxic misogynistic BS is being put forth, but because we expect our significant other to behave like an adult.


Look, you can believe whatever woke ideological tripe you’d like to, that’s fine. And there are certainly women out there who feel like you do.
But the vast majority of women absolutely want and expect their husband to lead in their marriage and in their family. This is just reality.

And your assertion that the expectation of men to be the leader in their marriage and their family is “toxic misogynist BS” clearly indicates you are an angry, ideologically driven fringe misanthrope. Good luck with that.

**Edit
Perhaps the last paragraph was a bit harsh, as I don’t know how you actually are. But that is certainly how you came across.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Todd Feldman said:


> I did use abx which worked and got me half way there but also killed my good bacteria and made me more sensitive. I prefer not to get into my thinking of health. Do you agree there are many sick people out there, with autoimmune, cancer, heart disease, etc and rarely people get better? There are no good solutions to chronic problems. I figured out what my body needed by being open and having the guts to experiment. I am not your normal dude as you can see. Somethings I have zero fear, will experiment. Being open to explore past the boundaries humans have created.


I had a friend who was misdiagnosed repeatedly and when finally diagnosed, wound up dying from Lyme disease. As a scientist, I hope you see the value in recording your procedure since you say you are cured now.
Thanks for the response. Wishing you luck with your wife. I’m worried for you.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

True, drill to get rid of the tendencies. Thanks man.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

BlueWoman said:


> And small TJ: To the people who are making this about gender: Are you suggesting that this behavior is appropriate if a woman did it?


Appropriate? It isn't necessarily something that I would treat as a positive but if my (ex)wife lost her **** over something she didn't need to I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I would deal with the situation as it happened, maybe talk to her afterwards about why it triggered her so much, and hope that it wouldn't happen again. It wouldn't necessarily influence how much I valued her as a person or spouse. It I could connect it to a traumatic event, I wouldn't even bat an eye.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I had a friend who was misdiagnosed repeatedly and when finally diagnosed, wound up dying from Lyme disease. As a scientist, I hope you see the value in recording your procedure since you say you are cured now.
> Thanks for the response. Wishing you luck with your wife. I’m worried for you.


Unfortunately my answer is something people dont want to hear. Takes a long time to unwind. The body holds a lot of toxicity. I am sure emotional being did not help create that opportunity for opportunistic critters to come in and dominant. These critters create biofilm and yeast. The body needs a lot of glutathione but not direct. Super complex process. Not eating also helps a lot.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Todd Feldman said:


> also went full outside the traditional health route which was problematic for her. I cured myself without doctors. Fasted 35 days on liquid. Did other hard things. Fought so hard, she gives me no credit for that.


I get this 100%

Many of the posters here giving you advice have no clue as to what to do for a chronic disease. We've seen what traditional medicine can do to a body (steroids, antibiotics, anti-seizure meds, high blood pressure meds, migraine meds.) We've navigated the "alternative" medicine route as well. The difference is, I've been on board with whatever my husband has wanted to try. I've gotten things from other countries, we've tried so many things! Doctors, unfortunately, have limited access to resources for patients who don't respond to traditional medicine. This is when patients need to do their own research, and advocate for their own health. Support groups in Facebook, reddit or .com are great places to find info and resources. We've found great "alternative" support. 

I took the initiative to research and be on top of new information because I enjoy learning and helping people. I don't see it as caring for "another child" (WTF!!) I see it as helping my husband navigate through rare disease! 

I'm really shocked at the amount of female posters saying how "weak," how "embarrassing" is to see a "man" freak out about a known health "trigger." It's ok to have relationship related triggers and meltdowns but not health related triggers. SMH... But again, they have no clue about what you've gone through. 

I would advise you to find a Lyme disease support group, you'll get the emotional support you need because they know exactly what you've gone through. And they'll give you marital advice as well, because chronic disease affects families, friendships, and relationships. There's no way in h*ll I'll ask support about my husband's condition in here. Most in here have no clue about it. They'll probably tell me he needs to take some Tylenol and suck it up! You have to read your audience before posting in here. Find a place where you and your needs are understood completely. Find a support group!


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

I am also caring and loving. All previous girlfriends have told me they never got that experienced that from their previous boyfriends. My wife told me the same even when I had emotional episodes. That broke down after kids and illness.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Todd Feldman said:


> Her brother is an alcoholic . She got books to underrstand, went to his house frequently. Why empathy there but not with her husband?


Because her needs for her mate are dramatically different.

Comparing apples to oranges will see you continue to spin your wheels.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

DudeInProgress said:


> It weighs on her because it undermines her confidence in you, and your ability to be strong and effective in the event of a real crisis. You can explain it logically, you can talk about the reasons etc. but it impacts her confidence on an emotional level. That’s not right or wrong, it just is.
> The good news- as I’m sure you’ve experienced with BJJ to an extent (it’s different but I think there’s a parallel), you can absolutely train yourself to be less emotionally reactive.


I wish I could like this twice. And much like BJJ, the only way to reduce the fear (which is essential what your anxiety is) is to expose yourself to it until you are able to manage your reactions rather than your reactions managing you.

Soak it in, OP.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BlueWoman said:


> Women are fine with emotional men. We are not fine with men who can’t control their emotions. Not because men need to “lead” their families or whatever toxic misogynistic BS is being put forth, but because we expect our significant other to behave like an adult.


yeah right, I'm your own mind, not in the real world around this world. I'm a 68 years old man and with the exception of a few men hating feminist that want to change mother nature the vast majority of women in this world want a man the is not freaking out because of a stupid tick. If they want to see an emotionally, bend out of shape individual, then, they want to see it happening to their "frenemy" not their men. It's instinctive, my dear.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

BlueWoman said:


> I won’t argue that men and women are different, although it’s much more nuanced than your argument suggests. It’s also difficult to separate behaviors based on biology from social constructs. I think that much of the behavioral and leadership expectations you are describing have more to do with construct than biology, and therefore not necessary to maintain.
> 
> It’s fine if you want that construct in your relationship assuming your partner agrees, but I don’t actually think that’s the norm. Healthy relationships require both people to have emotional maturity.
> 
> ...


At the same time there are women (like me) who do all of the above AND support a husband through a chronic disease.

I'm sure the guy didn't need much. I bet he only needed a hug or his wife to say "I'm sorry you got triggered by a tick. What can I do help you feel better?" Most likely people say "nothing. I'll be fine" because there's really nothing she could have done to avoid the tick.

I didn't know how hard it is to be compassionate towards suffering men. This blows my mind!!!


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Yes just a hug goes so far.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I agree with the poster who said you are best joining support groups for people who understand what you went/going through. I'm in a few support groups for my chronic illnesses because boards like this not many understand. You are just told to man up. You are actually a very strong person going through what you did, and by your comments. You don't need to change. The problem is with your wife. It's OK for her to lose her **** and get moody frequently, but she won't support her husband through a trauma once every year or few years. Yes it's a trauma because you were very sick for 6 years from a tick bite and don't want to go through that again so I can fully understand your reaction. Lyme disease is debilitating. Can you get a repellant to put on your body/clothing for these outdoor activities to keep them away. Is there such a thing? I know you can get it for dogs, but is there one for humans? Ticks may look like a wee harmless bug to many, but some people can actually die from ticks. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why were you hiking — that would seem to be a prime tick haven?


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Thanks for the comment. All honesty I get fed up with the moody days. I can do the same to her, but that is her way of dealing with life. She is aware of it but hard to change of course.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Why were you hiking — that would seem to be a prime tick haven?





Todd Feldman said:


> Thanks for the comment. All honesty I get fed up with the moody days. I can do the same to her, but that is her way of dealing with life. She is aware of it but hard to change of course.


Time goes so fast, I want every moment I can have with the kids


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Todd Feldman said:


> Time goes so fast, I want every moment I can have with the kids


I think there are any number of tick-free places where you can do that.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BlueWoman said:


> That’s fair. I mean my first impression of you was that you were the classic omega male intimated by strong and intelligent women, and use biology to in attempt to rationalize your pettiness. But maybe that’s a bit harsh. I don’t know how you actually are. But that is certainly how you came across.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We came to the same conclusion on OP’s situation - but you couldn’t help yourself from throwing in toxic masculinity, misogyny, and attacking the idea of men as leaders in their marriages. and now you want to throw in a random incell insult... Seems you have a major chip on your shoulder. 

You were looking for “intelligent commentary” in response to ideological vomit around toxic masculinity and misogyny etc.? No you weren’t, you just couldn’t help yourself. When you throw out that crap you’re not looking to have a conversation, you’re looking to make an ideological statement or to shut down a conversation.

I assure you, men are not intimidated by you. Most men like strong capable women, just not toxic feminist ones. My wife is quite strong and intelligent. She has a more advanced degree than I do. But she still looks to me to be the leader in our marriage and our family.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

manowar said:


> this is so obvious. you better fix yourself if you don't want to hear a riddle. ILYBIANILWY. Because its coming. And soon.
> 
> The academic community has siphoned your masculinity by the drivel they preach about equality, feminism, gender multiplicity, bla, bla bla. It's BS when it comes to relationships and everything else. You a big fan of Andrea Dworkin. Sounds like you've been brainwashed. PhD. Ok. Who cares. Just another Stepford man. This is fixable. Here's what you need to do but please don't tell the wife. Let her see it for herself.
> 
> ...





DudeInProgress said:


> We came to the same conclusion on OP’s situation - but you couldn’t help yourself from throwing in toxic masculinity, misogyny, and attacking the idea of men as leaders in their marriages. and now you want to throw in a random incell insult... Seems you have a major chip on your shoulder.
> 
> You were looking for “intelligent commentary” in response to ideological vomit around toxic masculinity and misogyny etc.? No you weren’t, you just couldn’t help yourself. When you throw out that crap you’re not looking to have a conversation, you’re looking to make an ideological statement or to shut down a conversation.
> 
> I assure you, men are not intimidated by you. Most men like strong capable women, just not toxic feminist ones. My wife is quite strong and intelligent. She has a more advanced degree than I do. But she still looks to me to be the leader in our marriage and our family.


This is my last post on the matter. But that first quote was what I was responding too.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Openminded said:


> I think there are any number of tick-free places where you can do that.


The post was more about how I deal with negative shocks and how my wife takes that in. How that has changes how she views me.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Todd Feldman said:


> The post was more about how I deal with negative shocks and how my wife takes that in. How that has changes how she views me.


The aftermath I always come out recognizing what happened. Not blind. I reset. Need to learn to not get triggered.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Todd Feldman said:


> The post was more about how I deal with negative shocks and how my wife takes that in. How that has changes how she views me.


Your first paragraph addressed your fears about the tick so my suggestion addressed that by avoiding places where you’re most likely to run into ticks. Or maybe taking better precautions. But even if you avoid ticks your wife will likely find your way of dealing with negative shocks to be tiresome. That’s just reality.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

BlueWoman said:


> I won’t argue that men and women are different, *although it’s much more nuanced* than your argument suggests. It’s also difficult to separate behaviors based on biology from social constructs. I think that much of the behavioral and* leadership expectations you are describing have more to do with construct than biology*, and therefore not necessary to maintain.



Unfortunately, your argument about male/female differences being nuanced and constructed is subjective wishful thinking. It's like when Thumos argued that monogamy was our default position. Psychology has identified these major differences as far back as in the early 20th century. It's not even debatable. These differences are biological and evolutionary. They are rooted in our survival behaviors. What we had to do to survive and reproduce. that's why when men try to answer the question, How Could She DO It? (when it comes to infidelity), he's looking at the problem through the incorrect lens of morality. Look at it through biology and evolution to find the answer.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

BlueWoman said:


> you should only lead if you are least equal to the people you are leading. (1) You certainly couldn’t cut it with me. And the men who are equal to me (and there are plenty) don’t get intimidated by me and can look a complex issues (such as gender roles) and have a conversation, without it feeling like some kind of threat to their masculinity. (2) Save your “I can’t be a real man without putting down women” for your incel club.



these arguments contain two fallacies. (1) The fallacy of Subjectivism and (2) the Ad Hominen .


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

manowar said:


> Unfortunately, your argument about male/female differences being nuanced and constructed is subjective wishful thinking. It's like when Thumos argued that monogamy was our default position. Psychology has identified these major differences as far back as in the early 20th century. It's not even debatable. These differences are biological and evolutionary. They are rooted in our survival behaviors. What we had to do to survive and reproduce. that's why when men try to answer the question, How Could She DO It? (when it comes to infidelity), he's looking at the problem through the incorrect lens of morality. Look at it through biology and evolution to find the answer.


That sounds very good, but cite your sources. Because biology indicates that there a wide spectrum over many characteristics for men and women and there is more overlap then differences. And psychology is a soft science that has made some pretty big changes as it’s evolved since the early 20th century. Many things that were theorized back then have been disproven since.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, we can argue back and forth as to whether or not OP is too anxious and/or emotional. The thing is, the title of his thread indicates his wife doesn't like him. She's even suggested he find someone else.

Whether it's about freaking out over ticks or mortgages, the thing is his wife is not a particularly good match for him when it comes to handling emotions. They come from different places.

So he's going to change himself so things will work out. Our personalities, from what I've read, are pretty much set by the time we're six. I don't see either party making significant personality changes, whether one or both parties try.

Bottom line: My take on it is that you two aren't particularly compatible. So stay for the sake of the kids. Hobble along for years. Just don't expect a great deal of fulfillment or happiness from this relationship. 

JMO.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Now that's a good response. You called me out on this as you should.

Here are a few off the top of my head.

The first is a book I recommend a lot here that is geared toward men. It has some additional references in it. _Female Psychology for the Practical Man,_ joe south. This is more of a guide (soft which I'll concede) but one of the best I've come across. The second book was popular when it was written called _Sperm Wars_. Boring as shyt. Put you to sleep boring. The third is pretty boring as well - The Red Queen - Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature. The final one was well known but has been essentially burned by academia due to its content. Written early 1900s. Sex and Culture - JD Unwin. 



BlueWoman said:


> Because biology indicates that there a wide spectrum over many characteristics for men and women and there is more overlap then differences.


I agree with you on the first part. Regarding _overlap than differences_, those characteristics which overlap are secondary, not primary. Men and women have overriding *natures. This is Primary*. Male nature or Female nature that we are born with predominately makes us who we are. There are people who, for whatever reason, do not fully satisfy those natures, forms (I'm talking Plato here), essences as they are also called. In fact, I believe the OP's male nature is disordered. He knows something is off. he's doing the right thing in questioning it and had the courage to post here admitting tears. These feminist men are taught to show emotion and dial back their masculinity. It could be due to his education (which I alluded to earlier) or being around many other disordered (weak) men in academia who he encounters regularly. Male feminists and the like. These are men who do not conform to the form of maleness or said another way Male Nature.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> Well, we can argue back and forth as to whether or not OP is too anxious and/or emotional. The thing is, the title of his thread indicates his wife doesn't like him. She's even suggested he find someone else.
> 
> Whether it's about freaking out over ticks or mortgages, the thing is his wife is not a particularly good match for him when it comes to handling emotions. They come from different places.
> 
> ...


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

manowar said:


> Now that's a good response. You called me out on this as you should.
> 
> Here are a few off the top of my head.
> 
> ...


I’m going to respond to this in the other thread. I don’t want to thread jack anymore.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Yes, true. Won’t be the exact match I hoped for but I not sure there is anybody out there that is a perfect match. I am more about experiencing life with the kids and watching them grow. Funny her parents I realized later on were exactly that. Weird how we fall into the same traps. I think you are right.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Todd Feldman said:


> Yes, true. Won’t be the exact match I hoped for but I not sure there is anybody out there that is a perfect match. I am more about experiencing life with the kids and watching them grow. Funny her parents I realized later on were exactly that. Weird how we fall into the same traps. I think you are right.


Weird how we felt compatible for so long. I remember when we moved in together friends told that was hard so much fighting. We never fought. I believe the burden of kids is just so much for her. I also changed with my illness we drifted. Can we drift back?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Todd Feldman said:


> Weird how we felt compatible for so long. I remember when we moved in together friends told that was hard so much fighting. We never fought. I believe the burden of kids is just so much for her. I also changed with my illness we drifted. Can we drift back?


Yes, but not overnight.

It took 6 months for me to really change, and another 12 for my wife to set aside her resentment and embrace said change. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think the physical side of a relationship gives a lot of clues about the rest.
You say twice a month sex. Who initiates? What would happen if you initiated 3 times a week? Is it duty sex?

Because if the sex dwindled, her feelings for you likely have as well. If it’s robot sex, I’d say the chances of her drifting back are really low.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Todd Feldman said:


> Won’t be the exact match I hoped for but I not sure there is anybody out there that is a perfect match.


Nobody is advocating for a "perfect" match. There is no such thing. But what you have isn't a fulfilling marriage. Sorry, but that's how it sounds to me.



Todd Feldman said:


> I am more about experiencing life with the kids and watching them grow.


Okay, so you trade in having a fulfilling marital relationship to be a father to your kids. The thing is, kids grow up. They become teens and start preferring the company of their peers to their parents. Then where does that leave you? I'm all for parents being involved in their children's lives. But when it's a substitute for a shaky marriage? Uh, no. Just. No.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Todd Feldman said:


> Weird how we felt compatible for so long. I remember when we moved in together friends told that was hard so much fighting. We never fought. I believe the burden of kids is just so much for her. I also changed with my illness we drifted. Can we drift back?


Life changes dramatically when children enter the picture. The carefree days are gone for a very long time — often forever. As for things improving, you would both need to want to “drift back” for that to work. And that’s where it gets tricky. Some do succeed in repairing their marriage but my observation is that most don’t.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Basically she’s not gonna drift back. She’s gonna have to choose to paddle back. Most don’t and things just get worse until the drifter Nukes it fully with infidelity or monkey branches. I’d say she’s only there now for her kids and the easy life.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> Nobody is advocating for a "perfect" match. There is no such thing. But what you have isn't a fulfilling marriage. Sorry, but that's how it sounds to me.
> 
> Things kind of went downhill this year with COVID quarantine. This year was hard on all of us. So before that I never felt she did not like me anymore. I felt she was tired more and always exhausted. This year it changed.
> 
> Okay, so you trade in having a fulfilling marital relationship to be a father to your kids. The thing is, kids grow up. They become teens and start preferring the company of their peers to their parents. Then where does that leave you? I'm all for parents being involved in their children's lives. But when it's a substitute for a shaky marriage? Uh, no. Just. No.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

There is still fulfillment but we have this ebb and flow of doing great having fun then either she gets moody or I am anxious/emotional regarding some negative stimuli. Not as dire as it sounds. But I agree with your thinking, thank you.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Todd Feldman said:


> There is still fulfillment but we have this ebb and flow of doing great having fun then either she gets moody or I am anxious/emotional regarding some negative stimuli. Not as dire as it sounds. But I agree with your thinking, thank you.


This year just too many negative stimuli with the house and she had a rough year, parents divorce, brother substance abuse homeschooling kids.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Todd Feldman said:


> This year just too many negative stimuli with the house and she had a rough year, parents divorce, brother substance abuse homeschooling kids.


The energy changed a lot.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Todd Feldman said:


> The energy changed a lot.


Thank you all for your comments. Bless you all.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Todd Feldman said:


> Basically a man that has anxiety can never attract a woman?


Not as successfully as one who doesn't, no. Harsh? Yep. True? Yep.




Todd Feldman said:


> FYI, I apologized to my wife about the behavior. I sat the kids down and talked to them. I dealt with the aftermath in a mature way. *I always mature once out of the triggered moment*. But still weighs on her.


That is meaningless OP. You need to get a handle on this behaviour. If I were in the middle of a forest with two kids in tears and distressed, while their dad was over there like a snivelling child, I'd resent the hell out of him too. Parents need to step up in the midst of crisis, not flake out.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I want to re


frusdil said:


> Not as successfully as one who doesn't, no. Harsh? Yep. True? Yep.
> 
> That is meaningless OP. You need to get a handle on this behaviour. If I were in the middle of a forest with two kids in tears and distressed, while their dad was over there like a snivelling child, I'd resent the hell out of him too. Parents need to step up in the midst of crisis, not flake out.


This is the simple truth. Women do not like weak men, period. In the Betrayed Men thread, I posted about why men don't reach out when they need help. This is why. OP here feels some kinda way and is vulnerable around ticks. Not even his wife will tolerate his weakness. If a man can't be vulnerable around his wife, he has NO ONE.

Men, stay strong. It is your only option.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Enigma32 said:


> I want to re
> 
> 
> This is the simple truth. Women do not like weak men, period. In the Betrayed Men thread, I posted about why men don't reach out when they need help. This is why. OP here feels some kinda way and is vulnerable around ticks. Not even his wife will tolerate his weakness. If a man can't be vulnerable around his wife, he has NO ONE.
> ...


Vulnerability and emotion are not weakness. Weakness is weakness. Crying because you saw a tick is weakness. Stressing over everyday things, that are stresses that everyone has, is weakness.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Todd Feldman said:


> There is still fulfillment but we have this ebb and flow of doing great having fun then either she gets moody or I am anxious/emotional regarding some negative stimuli. Not as dire as it sounds. But I agree with your thinking, thank you.


You allowing her moodiness to alter your emotional state is a significant part of the problem. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sounds like she would want you to toughen up a little.
why not join a karate dojo, and set off to earn a black belt. That training, and the new confidence you will have, will probably satisfy both you AND her.

as far as ticks....get some long socks treated with permethrin. some pants too. the ticks will jump off of you with that stuff


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

manowar said:


> I love this response!


Thank you! It's true though, I would freak out if my husband cried so easily. Ugh.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

sensitiveguy said:


> I know. Why can’t men cry?


I'm just saying, lots of women would find it a turn off. Plus, it shows some emotional instability in my opinion.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> Umm....
> 
> No mercy, none for the sensitive man.
> I am a weeper, I live with _Martians_.
> ...


I'm not getting what you mean. Can you keep it simple please?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is it possible that these melt downs are an attention getting device? You keep subtly blaming your children for your wife's lack of empathy. Considering that she was basically a single parent while you battled your illnesses for six years, she's just run out of empathy (as Deejo alluded to).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

GC1234 said:


> I'm not getting what you mean. Can you keep it simple please?


We are not simple.

Nor, are we simply one man, or one woman.
We are a collective of humans and minds.

We are bunk mates in _Are Dee's_ head.

Prior to _Are Dee_, we were in _THRD_'s head.
He went over the wall, going to _Brigadoon_ to be with his _Nellie_.

Now, ah, you are somewhat, up-to-speed!

Carry merry, if you are pleasant, tarry-on!



_King Brian-_


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> It sounds like you two need a therapist. The answer if not for you to change who you are that’s crazy. The answer is for you two to meet in the middle and help each other out during times of stress and hardship. I think you guys need therapy on this specific issue.
> 
> My question is… are you there to support her when she needs it? Are you taking more energy away from her then giving?


This past year she was a mess. Did not show me attention at all, had nothing to give. She had a panic attack. Not having her turned my sensitivity up needing her. So yes the emotional outburst was probably a cry for her, but obviously was not the result or way to go about it. Thank you everyone. I need to silence the boy inside me and be a man. I need to be a man for her and my family.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What have you done to lighten the load on your wife, date her, get a little happiness and romance with her lately? Do you hire a sitter for the kids and take her out once in a while? You don’t allude to any problems with the 2 times a month sex. What is important to you with your wife? What makes her happy? What does she say from time to time that she’d like you to improve? 
The reason I ask is this: It’s not too hard for a person to overlook a weakness when the rest is so good. Weaknesses become more of a problem when all the rest sucks.
How is all the rest in your marriage? Going on a hike seems like a good thing. What are the other good things?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> What have you done to lighten the load on your wife, date her, get a little happiness and romance with her lately? Do you hire a sitter for the kids and take her out once in a while? You don’t allude to any problems with the 2 times a month sex. What is important to you with your wife? What makes her happy? What does she say from time to time that she’d like you to improve?
> The reason I ask is this: It’s not too hard for a person to overlook a weakness when the rest is so good. Weaknesses become more of a problem when all the rest sucks.
> How is all the rest in your marriage? Going on a hike seems like a good thing. What are the other good things?


Why does she need her load lightened? He's not only the breadwinner, but also does a lot of the household chores and child care. So, ??


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Why does she need her load lightened? He's not only the breadwinner, but also does a lot of the household chores and child care. So, ??


She may have trouble fixing coffee in the morning before she homeschools the kids...
I forgot. You’re right.
It sounds like nothing is good enough and she’s a chronic discontent. Some women would be really happy to have a husband that would take them in a hike.....


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> She may have trouble fixing coffee in the morning before she homeschools the kids...
> I forgot. You’re right.
> It sounds like nothing is good enough and she’s a chronic discontent. Some women would be really happy to have a husband that would take them in a hike.....


I would be happy to have a husband with traits such as the OP has, and I'd be able to be compassionate if he got teary after having a tick on him after what he went through, and I'd try to help him through anxiety over a home purchase at the beginning of a pandemic rather than being turned off by it. Not all women react like his wife does.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since she was driving, I guess she could have pulled the car over and walked over to his side to give him a hug when he started crying.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Since she was driving, I guess she could have pulled the car over and walked over to his side to give him a hug when he started crying.


I’ve been wondering about this in general. Is it common for wives to drive when their husband is in the car?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DudeInProgress said:


> I’ve been wondering about this in general. Is it common for wives to drive when their husband is in the car?


Well, my husband wouldn't allow me to drive him around.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, my husband wouldn't allow me to drive him around.


It seems unusual to me but also seems like I see it referenced somewhat regularly.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

While this is reasonable in expectation, it matters not one iota if her love language is something other than acts of service.



Livvie said:


> Why does she need her load lightened? He's not only the breadwinner, but also does a lot of the household chores and child care. So, ??


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> I’ve been wondering about this in general. Is it common for wives to drive when their husband is in the car?





DudeInProgress said:


> It seems unusual to me but also seems like I see it referenced somewhat regularly.


My husband and I share driving duties. We have two very different vehicles that are useful for different things. When we need my vehicle, I usually drive. When we need his vehicle, he usually drives. Unless one or the other of us is tired on a road trip, or just wants to drive or really _doesn't_ want to drive for some reason. Then we'll swap. 

There's no real expectation in our relationship that he drives. 🤷‍♀️


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Caregiving is hard on relationships. It creates resentments, even where we logically know it shouldn't. Caregiving for a spouse while also caregiving for children with little help from that spouse is very, very, hard on relationships. Kids require time, energy, emotional energy that saps the best of us. Having a partner to help is important. But having a partner who's an _additional drain_ on time, energy, emotional energy can, in the moment, feel somehow even worse than having no partner at all. Even when, logically, both parties might know the partner didn't choose to be in a position to require caregiving, and that there's nothing that could realistically have been done differently. 

OP, did your wife fully stand behind your decision to forgo traditional medical treatment? If not, she may resent the possibility that you prolonged your illness by going the alternative route - that you_ chose_ to leave her hanging while you doggedly pursued your own slower and less direct path to healing. While, it seems, you resent your wife for apparently not giving you the respect you feel you're due for having endured the treatment path you chose. 

That you're well now, OP, doesn't really fix all your wife's built up resentments. Nor, clearly, does it fix all of your own lingering resentments. And having you be emotionally over-expressive when stressed just brings up all the resentments you're both still so clearly harboring. And it brings the already existing incompatibility in your two emotional management strategies even more starkly into play. 

It might be well worth it for both you and your wife to work with a MC who has experience helping families dealing with chronic illness. They'll be well versed in all the resentment and anger that such conditions create within marriages, and may have something to offer that will be specific to your situation. The local hospitals should be able to put you in touch with someone.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> He’s providing. The cleaning and cooking when he gets home. I suspect she doesn’t do much on her end but enjoy life and has gotten bored with him and let’s face it, she is an ideal candidate for cheating walk away wife syndrome. Sex twice a month? Doesn’t like “who he is” Suspicious.
> I agree that the ILYBINILWY speech is likely coming soon. Very sad.


Agreed. This falls into the saying "If you treat her like a star, she'll treat you like a fan"


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> _*Since she was driving, I guess she could have pulled the car over and walked over to his side to give him a hug when he started crying.*_


When I read this post, I pictured a mommy driving the family SUV and her pulling over to the side of the road, getting out, and walking over to the other side of the car to give her little boy a hug because he was crying.

Then I realized we're talking about an *adult *male. 

*



I’ve been wondering about this in general. Is it common for wives to drive when their husband is in the car?

Click to expand...

*I honestly don't remember ANY guy wanting me to drive. The only time it's happened is when we drove to Houston (1500 miles) non-stop and we took turns at the wheel to make good time. 

Meh. I'm old school and really can't appreciate men who are *way* too in touch with their feminine sides. That's a bit too creepy for me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personally, I think it's just an excuse. The crying happens every few years. Can't be that. I think the wife doesn't like the husband anymore, she doesn't like what he has become. He is not the man she wanted him to be, especially now that they have kids. Maybe she wanted an alpha male, and she's got an omega instead.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

What's the problem if his wife was driving? Seriously, some people read into every gesture and action that a spouse makes or is involved in. She was driving because... she likes to drive, he was tired and asked her to drive, the kids were fussing and he's better at calming them down in the car, who knows? I always liked to drive when my kids were little because I get car sick easily, like when I have to turn around a lot. So my H would deal with the kids needs while I concentrated on the road. I never saw it as a masculine/feminine thing.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

A lot of people are getting wrapped up in the symbolism of his wife driving him.

From there, it's easy for the caricatures in our mind to run towards the worst possible scenario.

But none of it will matter if he gets his mind right.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I mostly drive, but my wife drives occasionally... so what?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

SG:

I want to reemphasize something that I think has been brushed over just a bit.

Your goal in this process should not be to save your marriage, although saving it maybe a consequence of what your actual goal is:

Emotional growth.

Being the best possible SG that you can be.

Evolving.

When I came to this site, it was with the intention of saving my marriage. It was a disaster. My wife fought me every step of the way.

Then I figured out my journey was more about me than it was her. 

My next mistake was to think that I could pressure her to change. That was also a disaster.

Finally, I realized there was a special space I had found...one where I wasn't willing to necessarily end my marriage, but I also wasn't going to continue maintaining life support. In other words, I was more than willing to allow her to leave if she didn't like the way things were.

My wife used to make a habit of threatening divorce. I knew I had reached that sweet spot when she threatened again...and it was the last time she has ever done it.

Her: "I want a divorce."

Me: "Then I will miss you, and I probably won't find somebody else that I love as much as you. But I will settle for somebody who is actually interested in contributing to our relationship."

Thank you Mem2020 for that wonderful script.

Bluff called. That was the moment our relationship dynamic really began to change.

In that statement, it communicated several things. First, that I was strong enough to be just fine without her. Second, that I wasn't okay with emotional terrorism. Third, that I wasn't going to fight for something that wasn't worth fighting for. 

And what is a culmination of all of these things? Self respect.

That is the emotional space for which you should ultimately be striving.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> It seems unusual to me but also seems like I see it referenced somewhat regularly.


Welcome to that brave, new world where your experience may not be indicative of everyone else's.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> I mostly drive, but my wife drives occasionally... so what?


Your man card. Hand it over.

=============================

FFS, people. If this board has one overriding weakness, it's the inability of too many of its members to understand that the world works in lots of different ways that are alien to their experience.

Your viewpoint is your viewpoint. It is not special, more nuanced, better in touch with reality, or closer to the truth than anyone else's (lacking actual hard data to the contrary, of course!)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cletus said:


> Your man card. Hand it over.
> 
> =============================
> 
> ...


Bull **** cletus,
I’m the center of the universe and my opinions matter most. 
Back to regularly scheduled programming.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Bull **** cletus,
> I’m the center of the universe and my opinions matter most.
> Back to regularly scheduled programming.


Exception noted. I'm just a little crabby because @Blondilocks hasn't made me my sammich yet.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cletus said:


> Exception noted. I'm just a little crabby because @Blondilocks hasn't made me my sammich yet.


Wait, are you married to Blondilocks?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Cletus said:


> Welcome to that brave, new world where your experience may not be indicative of everyone else's.


Right, hence the question about if it’s actually more common than in my experience...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Wait, are you married to Blondilocks?


In her dreams. No, that's a reference to another thread.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> Right, hence the question about if it’s actually more common than in my experience...


Apparently, yes. I know plenty of couples who take turns driving, or who drive their own vehicle whether their partner is with them or not. 

If my husband acts right, sometimes I'll let him drive my RS5. He likes the big growly V8. Sometimes he likes to have his "hot young blonde" wife (I'm 44, so all things are relative ) drive him around in his Wrangler. I like the big stompy tires. 😁


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just sayin’ as a single man—I’ve had countless ladies ask me to drive, ask me to drive their car even, so I really do think the norm— almost every relationship I’ve seen, that the guy drives. Just a cultural norm.

OP is definitely a bird of a different feather. Clearly his wife likes him so much she married him. So she needs to find that love again:
Women are easy (er) to fall out of love, methinks. I’m sure some will differ, but that’s just my 48 yrs of observation talking.

I am starting to feel like “love” for women and some men is a transactional relationship as mentioned in another thread.
OP is going to work even harder in his relationship, and his wife will show negative effects, I suspect. 
He doesn’t even mention the twice a month sex as a problem (is he asexual??)
And he doesn’t act like being the provider, cooking, and cleaning is a problem.

One can be the best husband on the planet and it makes no difference if a woman has lost her feelings for him. It just doesn’t do anything to build their feelings. Nada.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Wait, are you married to Blondilocks?


🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> In her nightmares. No, that's a reference to another thread.


Fixed it for ya.😋


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Fixed it for ya.😋


Whatever, hon. No such thing as bad advertising!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Exception noted. I'm just a little crabby because @Blondilocks hasn't made me my sammich yet.


Thin is in. Get used to it, Bud.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

sensitiveguy said:


> Of course I live in an expensive area. Her family is here. Mine is not. I have no close friends either in the area, just acquittances at work, gym etc. I know it is pathetic. My family is the only thing I have. I can't lose it.


Good god man no wonder she doesn't respect you and treats you with disdain. Showing your emotions is OK, as long as its proportional to the situation. You're statement about having nothing is on you, focus on yourself and get a life, women find a man with a life attractive,if she feels she can abuse you and you can't leave, guess what you're getting. 

A woman needs to believe subconsciously that you'd be just fine without her so she is motivated to keep you happy on some level. Don't be a ****, just be responsible for yourself.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Oh and reading some of the toxic **** from women on this thread makes me feel slightly sad for those men coming here for help.

I have cried in front of my wife many times, she has always responded with compassion and support.

I cried when my daughter was born early and nearly died. After I had done all I could for her.

I cried when I watched my nan die, and let my children see me crying too.

I have cried watching films and cried visiting nazi concentration camps. The occasions are many and varied.

Crying is not weakness, when the situation is sad.

Crying from fear is weakness and it is here where the OP needs to change his emotional response.

To the ladies who think that crying is weakness I feel sorry for you.

Peace✌


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I would be happy to have a husband with traits such as the OP has, and I'd be able to be compassionate if he got teary after having a tick on him after what he went through, and I'd try to help him through anxiety over a home purchase at the beginning of a pandemic rather than being turned off by it. Not all women react like his wife does.


Thank you, granted I know this behavior is not attractive. I remember when I lost a lot of money in the stock market on an investment and kind of broke down. She helped me. This was before kids. However, it is doing it around the kids that makes her so not want to help me and get angry if I do it. I do feel many women would love a lot of the traits I have because in essence, having travelled, lived abroad, speak another language, play an instrument, advanced degree, financially okay, sweet. But I can see how being too nice and sensitive is not a good look. I get it.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

sensitiveguy said:


> Thank you, granted I know this behavior is not attractive. I remember when I lost a lot of money in the stock market on an investment and kind of broke down. She helped me. This was before kids. However, it is doing it around the kids that makes her so not want to help me and get angry if I do it. I do feel many women would love a lot of the traits I have because in essence, having travelled, lived abroad, speak another language, play an instrument, advanced degree, financially okay, sweet. But I can see how being too nice and sensitive is not a good look. I get it.


Why does she not want the children to see you being yourself? I understand you have work to do on yourself, we all do, but I think as far as your kids are concerned, your focus should not be on pretending that something isn't affecting you but on modeling for them better ways to handle stress and strong emotions. In that way, you can be authentic and also be a good role model. For instance, when you cried on the outing, you could have let yourself cry for a moment and then practice a little self-talk and deep breathing exercises to calm yourself down. Then give the kids a big smile, explain that we all have experiences that are upsetting so it's important to learn ways to regulate your emotions. Ignore the wife and focus on you and your kids in the moment. She has to learn to deal with her own emotional responses. Sounds to me like she needs to work on her passive-aggressive tendencies.


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## sensitiveguy (Mar 25, 2017)

blahfridge said:


> Why does she not want the children to see you being yourself? I understand you have work to do on yourself, we all do, but I think as far as your kids are concerned, your focus should not be on pretending that something isn't affecting you but on modeling for them better ways to handle stress and strong emotions. In that way, you can be authentic and also be a good role model. For instance, when you cried on the outing, you could have let yourself cry for a moment and then practice a little self-talk and deep breathing exercises to calm yourself down. Then give the kids a big smile, explain that we all have experiences that are upsetting so it's important to learn ways to regulate your emotions. Ignore the wife and focus on you and your kids in the moment. She has to learn to deal with her own emotional responses. Sounds to me like she needs to work on her passive-aggressive tendencies.


She sees the behavior at toxic because in essence I being an emotional kid, just like them. Agreed, showing how to deal with stress and the tools for navigating negative stimuli is the best a parent can do. My parents gave me a good life but never gave me the tools to deal with stress.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Jamieboy said:


> .
> Crying is not weakness, when the situation is sad.
> 
> Crying from fear is weakness and it is here where the OP needs to change his emotional response.


I think that’s been the overwhelming message from most of the folks here, as far as I can tell.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The crying in front of the kids like that is just hugely unmanly and yrs, it does disturb the kids. I can see why your wife doesn’t go for that. Yes, indeed you have lots of good qualities. 
Being sensitive is not the problem. Showing yourself as a man who cries when problems or fear arises is the problem. Crying because of sadness due to a death or betrayal, reasonable things.

You are setting yourself up for failure if you don’t start building yourself a life with friends and hobbies that bring happiness to you. Your family is always going to be number one, but you can’t be so dependent on your wife or kids for your reason for living. 
Do you feel your wife contributes the same effort in the relationship as you do? If so, carry on. If not, you should try working toward balance in the relationship by devoting some of your time and energy to YOU And get some friends by developing a social life.
Or not...


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

sensitiveguy said:


> She sees the behavior at toxic because in essence I being an emotional kid, just like them. Agreed, showing how to deal with stress and the tools for navigating negative stimuli is the best a parent can do. My parents gave me a good life but never gave me the tools to deal with stress.


Toxic is a strong word and if she's giving off that kind of vibe to the kids when you are upset then what they are learning is that mom gets mad when dad is upset so it's better to hide your emotions from people. She's also forcing the kids to pick a side. Either they show concern for you or they follow their mother's lead and show disdain. I'd say there's an equal amount of toxic behavior going on in your marriage right now and it's probably affecting your children in ways that neither you nor your wife realize. Aside from getting IC for yourself, I strongly recommend MC.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

sensitiveguy said:


> She sees the behavior at toxic because in essence I being an emotional kid, just like them. Agreed, showing how to deal with stress and the tools for navigating negative stimuli is the best a parent can do. My parents gave me a good life but never gave me the tools to deal with stress.


While it is admirable that you are willing to take a hard look at your behavior, I want to caution you on something.

She doesn't get to define what makes your behavior okay or not okay. 

You do. 

You choose.

You decide.

You set your own personal standards. If those don't work for her, tell her she is free to find somebody who's more compatible.

This is the emotional space I was talking about you trying to find. You decide the man you want to be. She can either choose to love that man...or not.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

blahfridge said:


> Toxic is a strong word and if she's giving off that kind of vibe to the kids when you are upset then what they are learning is that mom gets mad when dad is upset so it's better to hide your emotions from people. She's also forcing the kids to pick a side. Either they show concern for you or they follow their mother's lead and show disdain. I'd say there's an equal amount of toxic behavior going on in your marriage right now and it's probably affecting your children in ways that neither you or your wife realize. Aside from getting IC for yourself, I strongly recommend MC.


I wish I could like this twice.

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

One last thing to add.

The next time she attempts to define something in your behavior as toxic (or some other hyperbolic adjective) when it clearly isn't, look at her and make a simple statement:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Then walk away and go do something you want to do. 

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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> While it is admirable that you are willing to take a hard look at your behavior, I want to caution you on something.
> 
> She doesn't get to define what makes your behavior okay or not okay.
> 
> ...


This is very true, and an important distinction. 

That said, some things are generally unattractive to most women (and people in general). It seems OP has a good grasp on where he’s at and where he wants to be.


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