# Discovered wifes EA/PA/EA over 3 years



## endothermic (Mar 8, 2012)

I'm am mad as heck and I haven't been able to tell anybody yet! I've been reading a lot here on TAM and everyone is so level headed and wise I hope I can vent and maybe get some advice.

I don't even remember how I got to secretly prying into my wifes e-mails and phone. Found out she was involved in an EA/PA/EA (for all the non-affair savvy, EA=emotional affair, PA=physical) affair with an ex-coworker, primarily while she was laid off three years ago. I work at a small company which can be very demanding so she had a lot of free time, one son, now 5, who continued to go to day care while she was out of work so she could stay focused on 'getting a job'. The emails are pretty old and some deleted or tossed into a 'friends' sub folder but I think they only slept together once and has tapered off into a casual EA since then.
It's like the affair just happened for me, and I am emotionally and physically sick and on a mental roller coaster. I've been writing a letter that is so venomous that it gives me some strange glee and listlessly rummaging around the internet for what to do.

So why haven't I busted this whole thing open in her face? We'll we're in the last stages of refinancing our house; is that just pathetic? I just want to get that finalized and crack her world apart!

I am ready for divorce; I can't live with how she completely betrayed me. Ever since our son was born, she has taken a back seat in a lazy pragmatic way, I would take care of everything. I've been accommodating and used like a doormat. I know she had him over at least once back then because she called while I was at work asked if I could bring beer because we have a visitor, she got reprimanded for that, and months later, I caught her lying about who she was talking to on the phone, I didn't hear the conversation specifics, but it was about me talking a long time to get ready so she could go to 'the spa' on a weekend afternoon. Anyways, it wasn't her father like she said it was, because I called her folks house right then and there and confirmed. Anyways, she screamed that she hated me and that do I 'want a divorce!?' and walked out of the house anyway. I think I know the answer to that now.

I really want to get into the 'affair' email box to find out the extent of what happened these past three years. In a different 'work' email box, the only confirmation I really have of the PA, two years ago he was prodding if she 'missed the physical' and she responded with 'of course darling, it was probably the hottest thing I've ever experienced'... There are other poems, some that imply there was a PA, and occasional slightly flirty 'how is your s*x life' email that she initiates. Is this the rubbish I should bring to a lawyer/divorce attorney?

Troubling is, as I cracked her phone password, there has been a number of phone records to another former coworker in the last few months, Valentines Day he sent her a happy Valentines day phone text and she spoke with this OM for over 40 minutes on the way from work. Maybe I am being hyper-senstive? 

How can I get her to fess up to what has been going on. She is going to get torpedoed with this soon. Divorce papers first, talking first? I want full transparency but she is so stubborn that I don't think she will go along with it or just continue to lie. I mean, am I right, first step to send her packing? Should I leverage her folks to convince her to go full transparent? That is probably a bad idea I just can't think of why right now.
Advice, help, kind words?, before d-day ...


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi end sorry you here I would make copies of what you have and secure in a good location most states are no fault states I would consult an atty and get whatever info you need to protect yr self 
When refi is done in one swift move close yr jt accts open up accts in yr name get off any jt credit card accts and serve her papers 

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well if you've already taken the d-train then really the only bet to get to the truth if you can't access the old records is a bluff-


Present some of the proof and then say the following-

"I know you cheated and are still cheating, I have more information that you don't know about. As of right now I am filing for divorce and will fight for full custody of our children. I am giving you one chance to tell me everything, I can't promise you that I still won't file, but unless I get the entire truth I see no chance at reconciling."


now this may work, it may not but it may be the only chance at a confession you can get


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you saved your proofs(forward them and delete them from the sent mail)? Is the OM married?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Have you saved your proofs(forward them and delete them from the sent mail)? Is the OM married?


And don't forget to delete them out of trash as well.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First, if she uses a PC at home - drop a keylogger onto it.

Second, either forward the mails to yourself or take a picture of them with your own camera phone.

Third, get to walmart and buy a couple of VARs. Put on under her car seat with strong velcro. Have a second one that you can swap with it when you retrieve it to listen.

Fourth, what kind of phone does she have? Some phone like iphones can have their messages retrieved - even deleted ones.

Fifth, if you want to keep track of where she is - drop a GPS onto her car. 

talk to a lawyer and get set with papers and a plan to isolate your finances from hers.

When you've identified the OM - find out if he is married or has a GF and then find out how to contact her. Expose the affair to the OMW/GF.

Then confront your wife - last.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You sound like you are not sure of going D or trying to R either case. Get the info printed out copied to were it is safe.
get a keylogger for your computer and a VAR for her car.
finish the refi 
go to the Dr and get checked for STD's I am not kidding
contact the OM's wife girlfriend or family
and then confront your wife with the evidence. It is OK to bluff on what you have, she will probably give you some trickle truth but they may be clues to more information. 
tell her family what she has been up too

Then take a deep breath and figure out what you want to do D or R. Get yourself in to some IC. It will help

Best of luck and sorry you are going through this.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

endothermic said:


> So why haven't I busted this whole thing open in her face? We'll we're in the last stages of refinancing our house; is that just pathetic? I just want to get that finalized and crack her world apart!


The last thing you should do right now is refinance. What if you decide to D and have to sell the house? Put that on hold for now.



endothermic said:


> In a different 'work' email box, the only confirmation I really have of the PA, two years ago he was prodding if she 'missed the physical' and she responded with *'of course darling, it was probably the hottest thing I've ever experienced'*...


Now that would have me seeing red and I would be *furious*. She's still in an affair even if she stopped banging him for now. She admitted with her own words that it went PA and it was the best sex she's ever had. I wouldn't be able to get over the mind movies from this one.



endothermic said:


> Troubling is, as I cracked her phone password, there has been a number of phone records to another former coworker in the last few months, Valentines Day he sent her a happy Valentines day phone text and she spoke with this OM for over 40 minutes on the way from work.


This is definitely a woman with loose boundaries, she likes the workplace affairs, the thrill of chasing and being chased. And she was in a PA with another former coworker. WTH? How could you ever trust her to go to work again? She's a serial cheater, and this probably isn't the first time that she's cheated. She just wasnt caught before.



endothermic said:


> Maybe I am being hyper-senstive?


After what you've just discovered about her?












endothermic said:


> Advice, help, kind words?, before d-day ...


The others have given good advice. Try to find out as much as you can before the confrontation. Try to find out if the OM is married or has a SO, so you can expose the affair to them. With this latest coworker, you will need more proof to confront on this EA. With the other one, you have the proof that you need.

The first thing you're going to get is the DENIALS and the LYING. That he's "just a friend". Presented printed copies of those emails to her.

The next thing is she's going to blameshift. She's going to blameshift by getting angry at you for snooping on her, that you violated her privacy. Don't fall for it. Priavcy is when you close the bathroom door to take a dump. What she wants is secrecy. There can be no secrecy in marriage. Let her know that her actions gave you the right to investigate.

After you get a little grudging admission from her, she will blameshift yet again by blaming you for the affair, that you didn't pay her enough attention, blah, blah, blah. There is NEVER any excuse for cheating. That is 100% on her. You are only responsible for 50% of the state of the marriage before the affair, she bears 100% for the cheating. Besides, I bet she didn't mind spending the money that you were earning. You were busting your ass working long hours to provide for her financially, and this is your reward? Like I said, don't let her blame you for her cheating.

Tell her to GTFO and you lawyer up. Now, legally, you can't make her leave, but you can tell her to. Most people don't realize they don't have to leave when their spouse tells them to get out of the house. She most likely won't know that. So tell her to GTFO. The consequence of this is that she will most likely run straight to the OM and bang him again for emotional comfort. Don't let this stop you. You already lost her and this is part of either getting her back or divorcing her. 

Start the 180. Look it up here if you need help. This is not a tool to get her back. It's a self empowerment tool that enables you to help detach and be ready to move on, with, or without her.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If the house is not your sole property---you can't kick her out if she doesn't wanna go---so as mayhem said---stop your refi---and just prepare to sell the house, if you intend to D

When you confront---do it with icy calm---no emotion, no yelling no cussing, just calm and collected----say what you have to say---tell her you have proof, and get out---go run some errands---leave her to stew in her own anxiety for a couple of hours---when you go back, let her know how its gonna be---and if she doesn't like it---or protests tell her to prepare to defend a D. action.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Here is how 'shock and awe' can benefit you.



> When my suspicion was finally rewarded with proof of my wife cheating I prepared very carefully how to control the situation. I gathered all the information about the person she was with which turned out to be a co-worker she was working for. I got his wife’s details, work details; family details everything I could use to make sure that her secret life will be fully exposed. I called her up in the hotel where she picked up the phone out of breath (guess why), told her that I knew everything which she denied stating she was all by herself upon which I rang the guys mobile phone which was ringing in the background. The first thing she said while screaming at me is that she wants a divorce.
> 
> After that conversation I called his wife, his/her parents, his/her bosses, made sure that all credit cards were cancelled as well as mobile phone disconnected. His wife did the same and there they were both stuck on the other side of the country unable to pay for hotel, rental car, calling anyone for help get cash you name it.
> 
> ...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

:iagree:

Who was that guy? That was an awesome read!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Mori, what a screen play!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Here is the source of such great example of *Confronting A Suspected Cheater*


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Here's another comment from *Levad*:



Levad February 24 said:


> Maybe one important thing I had to add to my previous posts was that before I confronted my wife with her affair I made the decision that I wanted to try to keep the family together. Although the confrontation was forcefully leaving my wife little to no room to wiggle out of it I also reached out and gave her options so that she could feel safe to come back home and confront the issues at hand. What caught me off guard was my own emotions such as anger, sadness, depressions and disappointments in my self. There were many moments where I simply regretted that she was still in my life as things were not the same anymore and now almost five years later all is different.
> 
> Don’t ignore your instincts and don’t fear to put yourself first. You deserve it.


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