# Separated in the same house



## AmbitiousOvercomer (Jul 4, 2019)

I'm really very new to this. How do I navigate my emotional rollercoaster and working separately with my STBX at the same time. I am angry and sad and back around again. How do shut off what we knew as a marriage 2 days ago and turn on a separation that I do not want all while living under the same roof. He doesn't spend wisely so I can't foresee that he will be moving into an apartment anytime soon. I offered to leave but because he is an over the road truck driver, he said that makes no sense. 

I'm so confused and I don't know how to act. What is appropriate?


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Someone MUST get out of the house or it will eat you alive.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

AmbitiousOvercomer said:


> I'm really very new to this. How do I navigate my emotional rollercoaster and working separately with my STBX at the same time. I am angry and sad and back around again. How do shut off what we knew as a marriage 2 days ago and turn on a separation that I do not want all while living under the same roof. He doesn't spend wisely so I can't foresee that he will be moving into an apartment anytime soon. I offered to leave but because he is an over the road truck driver, he said that makes no sense.
> 
> I'm so confused and I don't know how to act. What is appropriate?


What is appropriate is for you to say to him "We are divorcing. I am not willing to continue to live under the same roof as you. One of us needs to go." And don't let him try to use LOGIC about money and stuff to manipulate you. Just keep repeating "I can't do that." "I won't do that."

It doesn't matter what HE claims does or does not make sense. You need to get physically away from this man until you can think clearly without him influencing your opinions and making you second guess yourself and feel bad about yourself.

Would he leave if you asked him to? Long term do you want to live in that house or are you just as happy somewhere else? Do you have a mortgage together? 

Given what I've read about your situation on other forums, I think the best thing is for you to just move out if you can. Because he probably will not do that even if you ask, and he'll keep coming back around. What would complicate things is if you own the house together and he stops paying the mortgage once you move out. You should probably consult with a divorce attorney about the best way to proceed, but PLEASE, one way or the other, remove yourself from his physical access. If he does move out voluntarily, get the locks changed so he can't just come home from a truck driving trip and walk on in.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

AmbitiousOvercomer said:


> How do shut off what we knew as a marriage 2 days ago and turn on *a separation that I do not want* all while living under the same roof.


You can't move on if you don't want to move on. Or am I misinterpreting this? After all you've been through, can you really see a future that involves both of you being happy, together? Because if you can't, then you're just torturing yourself doing anything but full-speed-ahead on separation and divorce. 

Things have been dragging things out with this on-paper-only "Husband" for years. You have a limited amount of time left on this planet. If I recall you're religious, so you also know you don't know when you'll be called home. A polite way of saying you're not getting any younger; make the best of the time you have, time in which you may likely find someone to happily spend the rest of your life with. You can't get there from here if you're not clear on the path forward.


----------



## custommultirotor (Feb 13, 2018)

Seperation is hard enough when you dont live under the same roof. I cannot imagine it with my spouse in the other room. One of you has to go, no two ways around that. The thing i have learn is get a good friend that you can vent too and know in your heart that yoy deserve better. If a person doesnt care enough to see that they are hurting you in some way, then dear you dont need him. Love is unconditional and it always puts the other first. If you want to see if your partner truly loves you, simply pay attention to who he\she puts first. Self or their spouse? That will tell you if their words are truth. A persons actions must line up with their word. If it doesnt then its a lie. Dont fool yourself. 
I will surely be praying for you. Here it you ever need a friend. Just msg me and ill give you my number. Best wishes girl. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

WorkingWife said:


> What is appropriate is for you to say to him "We are divorcing. I am not willing to continue to live under the same roof as you. One of us needs to go." And don't let him try to use LOGIC about money and stuff to manipulate you. Just keep repeating "I can't do that." "I won't do that."
> 
> It doesn't matter what HE claims does or does not make sense. You need to get physically away from this man until you can think clearly without him influencing your opinions and making you second guess yourself and feel bad about yourself.
> 
> ...


You should check with an attorney. If you co-own the house, you may not be able to legally throw him out or change the locks without a restraining order. However, I do agree that it is not healthy to stay in the same house (unless you have an in-law apartment or separate living space?).


----------



## AmbitiousOvercomer (Jul 4, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> You can't move on if you don't want to move on. Or am I misinterpreting this? After all you've been through, can you really see a future that involves both of you being happy, together? Because if you can't, then you're just torturing yourself doing anything but full-speed-ahead on separation and divorce.
> 
> Things have been dragging things out with this on-paper-only "Husband" for years. You have a limited amount of time left on this planet. If I recall you're religious, so you also know you don't know when you'll be called home. A polite way of saying you're not getting any younger; make the best of the time you have, time in which you may likely find someone to happily spend the rest of your life with. You can't get there from here if you're not clear on the path forward.



I am simply not ready to move on, you're right but I know I must let him go. It's just very difficult to do that and I'm struggling with my emotions.


----------



## AmbitiousOvercomer (Jul 4, 2019)

20yr said:


> You should check with an attorney. If you co-own the house, you may not be able to legally throw him out or change the locks without a restraining order. However, I do agree that it is not healthy to stay in the same house (unless you have an in-law apartment or separate living space?).




We co-own the house so I cannot throw him out, the law doesn't allow me to do that. If needed, we could make a separate living space when he is home off the road and u till other arrangements can be made. He wants the separation and no longer wishes to stay in the relationship. I have no choice but to learn how to accept it.


----------



## AmbitiousOvercomer (Jul 4, 2019)

custommultirotor said:


> Seperation is hard enough when you dont live under the same roof. I cannot imagine it with my spouse in the other room. One of you has to go, no two ways around that. The thing i have learn is get a good friend that you can vent too and know in your heart that yoy deserve better. If a person doesnt care enough to see that they are hurting you in some way, then dear you dont need him. Love is unconditional and it always puts the other first. If you want to see if your partner truly loves you, simply pay attention to who he\she puts first. Self or their spouse? That will tell you if their words are truth. A persons actions must line up with their word. If it doesnt then its a lie. Dont fool yourself.
> I will surely be praying for you. Here it you ever need a friend. Just msg me and ill give you my number. Best wishes girl.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk




Thanks so much. I don't have anyone that I am comfortable confiding in right now. This is my support system right now.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

AmbitiousOvercomer said:


> Thanks so much. I don't have anyone that I am comfortable confiding in right now. This is my support system right now.


This is a good place to be. It was absolutely instrumental in my recovery. The other components were divorce care classes at a local church and a personal counselor. I needed every one of them. Once I broke out, I broke out BIG and never looked back. Life is good now. You can do the same.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You need to get with an attorney to understand all of your options, finances, (child support??), etc. just so that you know WHAT the possibilities are. This way, you can at least try to get a plan together for yourself. Try to exercise, eat, get sleep and stop worrying about your H. He has made his bed, and unfortunately you can't be in a marriage with only one person trying...

Very sorry you are going through this.


----------



## AmbitiousOvercomer (Jul 4, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> You need to get with an attorney to understand all of your options, finances, (child support??), etc. just so that you know WHAT the possibilities are. This way, you can at least try to get a plan together for yourself. Try to exercise, eat, get sleep and stop worrying about your H. He has made his bed, and unfortunately you can't be in a marriage with only one person trying...
> 
> Very sorry you are going through this.




Thanks for saying what I need to hear over and over again. Is it normal to feel like he will reget this? I mean, I kind of hope he does but by then I hope I have moved on to have more clarity and a little stronger knowing I can do this. I think I'll get a counselor as well as an attorney.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lawyers are dedicated to dealing with this type of issue.


----------



## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

AmbitiousOvercomer said:


> Thanks for saying what I need to hear over and over again. Is it normal to feel like he will reget this? I mean, I kind of hope he does but by then I hope I have moved on to have more clarity and a little stronger knowing I can do this. I think I'll get a counselor as well as an attorney.


I think it is normal to feel like he will regret it - and to hope that he will regret it. I do the same.

A therapist/counselor is a good idea. You need someone to talk to in real life too.


----------



## custommultirotor (Feb 13, 2018)

And there ia nothimg wrong with this being who you turn to for support. Its good to get different perspectives. Now, one person said to check with an attorney about being able to kick him out. No, legally if there iant some type of abuse then you have to wait untilu go before the judge in order ti "MAKE" him move. Just tell the judge ut is causing you emotionally distress. Maybe throw it in if he is verbally abusive. You can even use verble abuse in most states to have a EPO or a DVO sign against him. That will "INDEED" force him out of the house at least until the entire matter is heard from the judge. If he keeps txting, yelling, cursing you, or harassing you in any shape form or fashion then you can have one of three things done. If its not bad you can do a no contact order. If its sorta bad. Mainly verble then you can do both the DVO or the no contact. If he has threatenes your life or hit you, hurt you thats when the EPO comes in. Jeep records of EVERY single time, date, place he spoke to you and whathe said. Keep dang good records of all you do. If you have to call the police then write it down. Get a notebook thats ONLY for this process. Judges LOVE good record keepers. 

Praying for you girly.  you got this. Jesus didnt bring you this far just to let you down. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## AmbitiousOvercomer (Jul 4, 2019)

custommultirotor said:


> And there ia nothimg wrong with this being who you turn to for support. Its good to get different perspectives. Now, one person said to check with an attorney about being able to kick him out. No, legally if there iant some type of abuse then you have to wait untilu go before the judge in order ti "MAKE" him move. Just tell the judge ut is causing you emotionally distress. Maybe throw it in if he is verbally abusive. You can even use verble abuse in most states to have a EPO or a DVO sign against him. That will "INDEED" force him out of the house at least until the entire matter is heard from the judge. If he keeps txting, yelling, cursing you, or harassing you in any shape form or fashion then you can have one of three things done. If its not bad you can do a no contact order. If its sorta bad. Mainly verble then you can do both the DVO or the no contact. If he has threatenes your life or hit you, hurt you thats when the EPO comes in. Jeep records of EVERY single time, date, place he spoke to you and whathe said. Keep dang good records of all you do. If you have to call the police then write it down. Get a notebook thats ONLY for this process. Judges LOVE good record keepers.
> 
> Praying for you girly.  you got this. Jesus didnt bring you this far just to let you down.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk




Keep those prayers coming. I'm a mess. Honestly, I would love to move out. The fresh start will be so beneficial to me but I have 4 dogs that I cannot easily move to an apartment and I know, I just know that at some point he will miss mortgage payments and being a co-owner, I will be held responsible. With the house needing repairs that I haven't been able to afford to make, it's not market ready to sell. I'm in quite a pickle here. 

He's not abusive in any way, just stupid because he is treating a loyal person badly and I cannot get him to understand that he needs therapy. He's a war vet and I know he's probably suffering from PTSD so putting him straight out makes me worry for his welfare. Although, hat should be the least of my worries. Even his own nephew told him to go home and fix this immediately. He's just not listening to anyone and then asks me if we are going to church?!?!? I don't know what to think.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

AmbitiousOvercomer said:


> I am simply not ready to move on, you're right but I know I must let him go. It's just very difficult to do that and I'm struggling with my emotions.


I heard a psychologist explain that "Emotions follow actions." Everyone thinks it's the other way around -- "Someone feels like doing good, so they do good." But in reality, by doing good even though you don't feel like it, the emotions that "I am a good person and want to do good" come afterward.

This man is VERY manipulative and right now he has his hooks into you DEEP. I would prepare yourself emotionally for the fact that as soon as you seem okay with the idea of divorce he will see he is losing you and change his tactic and suddenly want to work on the marriage after all... But of course he'll insist YOU will need to change...

Anyhow, Your emotions are going to be all over the place. But LOGIC can tell you this relationship is killing you. Feel your emotions but don't act on them. Avoid talking with him until you feel more ready. Avoid living with him if at all possible. Your better emotions will come, but it will take time. If he continues to have access to your head and yank you back and forth emotionally this is going to drag on longer and longer and you'll lose more and more of yourself.

BTW - can you talk to your Dr. about the taking anti-depressants at least temporarily? They can be VERY helpful in being able to step back from your intense emotions, seeing things more clearly, and getting through times like these.

♥


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

AmbitiousOvercomer said:


> Thanks for saying what I need to hear over and over again. Is it normal to feel like he will reget this? I mean, I kind of hope he does but by then I hope I have moved on to have more clarity and a little stronger knowing I can do this. I think I'll get a counselor as well as an attorney.


Yes, I think he will -- eventually. BUT please don't wait in YOUR life for the karma bus to hit him. Hopefully by the time he realizes what he lost, YOU will be so far past caring about what he thinks, it won't matter to you any more.

Yes, get counseling for yourself. Get your lawyer, and get on with your life. You CAN do this -- no doubt about it.


----------

