# Paternity test information needed



## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

Hello.

I am struggling to think clearly, so please forgive any typos / grammatical errors.

For many years, I have questioned my wifes faithfulness from early in our marriage. I have many reasons for this that I can get into when I am ready to write about it.

I have a child and I am the DAD. My child is getting ready to graduate high school so I have raised the child since birth. I will not give the gender of the child as I want to remain totally private while posting this.

Long story short. Early in our marriage I had many reason to believe my spouse was unfaithful. Dishonestly, lack of intimate relations, talking to other men on phone and lying about it, etc. 

I have always wondered about my child being biologically mine. Now that my child is of legal age, I recently was able to obtain buccal swabs from her / him. I have the swabs in a very safe place and want to take a sample from myself and send both mine and my childs swabs in for paternity testing. THIS IS NOT FOR LEGAL PURPOSES, just for my own peace of mind. Furthermore, I think it is very important for everyone to know their genetic history.

So many times over the past 2+ decades I have put my head in the sand and lived in denial of the lies and actions of my wife. I am very angry at myself for not being more honest with MYSELF about the actions of my wife. Although I never had any proof of her infidelity, there was way too much smoke for there not to be a fire.

That being said, I have my childs samples, and obviously my samples can be readily obtained. I need to hide the fact that I am paying for this to be done to avoid and problems at home. My wife has access to our banking information and she knows normally how much cash I have in my wallet. I need ideas on how I can prevent her from finding out what I am paying to have done (the paternity test). It is difficult for me to think rationally while researching this subject. 

If anyone can recommend a company to use, please let me know. It appears that these tests can be done for under 100.00. 

Regardless of the outcome, I am the DAD! I will let my child graduate before letting her / him know if they are not biologically mine. I hope to goodness I am wrong about my instincts.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Easy, open up a personal bank account with $100 and use that.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Are you sure you want the answer to that question? Are you sure your child can deal with it if the answer if you are not biologically their father?

Once you let that genie out of the bottle you can never put it back.


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Are you sure you want the answer to that question? Are you sure your child can deal with it if the answer if you are not biologically their father?
> 
> Once you let that genie out of the bottle you can never put it back.


I am unsure if I would tell my child honestly. I hate the thought of the pain it would cause them. 

I do want to know for myself though. Will not affect the love I have for my child. It will affect the relationship with my wife though, probably in a negative way, but I am entitled to the truth.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

razorsedge said:


> I am unsure if I would tell my child honestly. I hate the thought of the pain it would cause them.
> 
> I do want to know for myself though. Will not affect the love I have for my child. It will affect the relationship with my wife though, probably in a negative way, but I am entitled to the truth.


I agree, once you have the truth you can close the door or make a tough call .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Get a prepaid credit card using cash, and get the test done.

The problem as I see it is that even if the child is proven to be yours, it still doesn't prove your wife was faithful or not. If your trust is this badly broken, the test can't fix anything. It can only make it worse.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

True, what if the kid is yours? Will you breathe easier? Will you still wonder? If anything it doesn't answer the main question - has your wife been faithful to you?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Tell her that you planning for a surprise for her and will tell her when you get it. Come on!! 100$ shouldn't be that hard. Or say you lost them


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

You can go to most major drug stores and purchase an over-the-county paternity test called the Identigene DNA Paternity Test for $29.99. 

The kits contains cheek swabs, preservation containers for the swabs and concent forms. 

You then mail the swabs to the lab with a money order or credit card info for $119; you get the results back within 3-5 days from when the lab receives the samples. 

Since their is no chain of custody the results will not be accepted in court. 

Be very sure you want to do this..........but I do have to say that the information could be very important to your child.

------------------------

I was adopted by the man who married my mother when I was 7 years old, he is my father, my dad, my pop, my mentor....I had and have every thing I needed from him; I have no father issues other than living up to his model with my kids, a high standard. I never had a need to search for and meet my biological father, nothing is missing, I have no holes in my heart. 

Even if I wanted to I couldn't do the search for my biological father.....my mom swears she has no information and I believe her.....my mom had a wild and lost period in her early 20's. 

My mom and my DAD just celebrated their 30th wedding anaversery!

Know I do have some MAJOR medical issues and it would be very very helpful to my doctors to know the medical history of my biological fathers family - but as stated have no info on them.

You are this adult child's dad......if you do this do it so they can have as complete (AND CORRECT) medical history as possible.


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> True, what if the kid is yours? Will you breathe easier? Will you still wonder? If anything it doesn't answer the main question - has your wife been faithful to you?


Excellent points.

I would be relieved to know for sure that my child is biologically mine.

I think she used to be unfaithful, never had a way to prove it, nor did she ever admit it. The only times she would admit her lies is when I had proof. 

Do I think she is unfaithful now? No I do not. Would it change the dynamics of our marriage should I find out she had been unfaithful previously? Yes. I think I would be gone. Keeping a lie she could have admitted to me many times over nearly 2 decades would be a deal killer for me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

razorsedge said:


> Excellent points.
> 
> I would be relieved to know for sure that my child is biologically mine.
> 
> ...


That's my point. The paternity test can't prove she has been faithful to you. At best, it can prove she was unfaithful to you. But if the test comes back proving the child is yours, your limbo will continue.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

My wife has access to our banking information and she knows normally how much cash I have in my wallet


Oh brother, she cheats on you, and your afraid of spending your own money, hmm, when u gonna grow a pair?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, sorry! I read that she DIDN'T know how much cash you had. Stash away $20 a week for the next 5 weeks; tell her you went out for lunch or something.or use Craigslist or something similar to get rid of some junk and make some cash.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Razor,
As someone who has been there, I can say that yes, it's going to by emotional. But I can also say that I needed it for peace of mine to quell the constantly recurring thoughts that I was having. (In my case they are both mine). If you know you need to do it, then do it. You already stated you are the dad. The suggestions about a pre-paid card are good ones. I suspect you need the knowledge to move forward in the the empty-nest phase of your life.

I must say that I find it interesting that women's groups are the primary opponent of automatic at birth DNA / Paternity testing on the ground of "privacy".


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Anubis said:


> Razor,
> As someone who has been there, I can say that yes, it's going to by emotional. But I can also say that I needed it for peace of mine to quell the constantly recurring thoughts that I was having. (In my case they are both mine). If you know you need to do it, then do it. You already stated you are the dad. The suggestions about a pre-paid card are good ones. I suspect you need the knowledge to move forward in the the empty-nest phase of your life.
> 
> I must say that I find it interesting that women's groups are the primary opponent of automatic at birth DNA / Paternity testing on the ground of "privacy".


Even though I'm a guy, I can understand why a women's group would be against those tests. The only people who are going to be "caught" by them are women. It's not going to catch any of the unfaithful new fathers.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i think what you're really looking for are answers to your questions regarding your wife's fidelity. since you've stated that she'd never fess up to it, unless she was caught, you've resorted to testing your children's paternity to get these answers.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Read this thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/42861-unsure-im-father.html


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

Thank you all for the replies. I have what I need. I will be submitting the samples next week. I have been very up and down on this. If I back out, I know this will continue to eat and eat at me. I do not want to always "wonder".

cledus_snow, I think you are probably correct with your statement. Perhaps I am subconsciously using this as an excuse to get the answers to my negative thoughts on our history together.

You know, I am being honest with what I am going to write next. I wonder if I am just looking for a way out, idk. I am very resentful about all the lies I have caught her in over the years. If I found out that she has lied to me for so long about something so important (paternity), I do not think I want anything to do with her anymore. I get upset thinking about the possibility that she actually would keep something like this hidden from me and our child.

I realize I am rambling, but in some odd way, it feels good to get this off my chest. Thanks again.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

So, if you might be looking for a way out and the test comes back that the child is yours then what's your next move?


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> So, if you might be looking for a way out and the test comes back that the child is yours then what's your next move?


Excellent question.

I will let her know that my feelings were correct and that she is a liar. I will do this in a public setting so I do not lose it on her and say a lot of things I may regret later. If I have been mislead as I suspect, I will be done. I do not want to be with someone who would be so deceitful. Do I think she loves me and is our marriage good? Yes to both questions. However a lie this big would be too difficult for me to overcome. 

I will not let her know until after our child graduates (in a few weeks). I do not want any household drama during the last few weeks of school for her / him. We will both need to sit down with our child and let them know the truth. I need to stop thinking about the "what if's" for now as I get myself in a really bad mood thinking about the possible outcome. If I am incorrect about my gut feeling, I have caused myself a lot of undue stress.

I hope I am wrong, I really do, but if she has mislead me all of these years, it is over. If I am wrong, it will be a tremendous weight off my shoulders. I am sick of wondering.


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

Swabs are going out Monday. Should have results 3-4 days later. Starting to get anxious about what I may find out.


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

Also, cheatinghubby, if the results come back that I am not the biological father, one of the first things I will do is to demand to know who the sperm donor is.


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

Samples were received by the lab yesterday. They say it will be around 3 day turnaround time but I hope they get the testing done sooner.

I am trying to think of the questions I want to ask my W should the results come back with myself not being the father. I actually sent in samples from 2 of our children. Something the nurse told me when one of our children was born has always stuck with me. Long story for another day, but here are some questions I will want answered:

Who is / are the bio dads?
Why on earth did you cheat you bit&%*? (j/k lol). 
Why the lies?

I am now drawing a blank on how to react and what to ask. My mind is racing in all sorts of directions wondering what the results will be. I am going from the idea of being elated if they are "mine" to anger if she has deceived me like I think she has. If I am wrong about what I think the results will be, I will feel very foolish, but nonetheless, she was caught in too many lies regarding other men.

I have allowed myself to become a very bitter person because I ALLOWED her to lie to me so much many years ago. I "rug swept" her dishonesty. No I never caught her cheating nor did she ever admit it, but ALL of the signs were there.

I should have dealt with this a long time ago.


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

PBear said:


> Get a prepaid credit card using cash, and get the test done.
> 
> The problem as I see it is that even if the child is proven to be yours, it still doesn't prove your wife was faithful or not. If your trust is this badly broken, the test can't fix anything. It can only make it worse.
> 
> ...


You are probably correct in your statement. I trust her now and for the last several years, but prior to that, not much trust at all due to her lies. 

It would confirm my gut feelings should the tests prove that she was unfaithful. On the other hand, should the test prove that I am wrong, I will have some peace just "knowing" at least they are all "mine" so to speak. 

Regardless, I am and always will be their Dad


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

RE,

Patience.

My prayers are with you that you find peace in your situation and that your kids are truly "yours".

Good Luck,

HM64


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

razorsedge said:


> You are probably correct in your statement. I trust her now and for the last several years, but prior to that, not much trust at all due to her lies.
> 
> It would confirm my gut feelings should the tests prove that she was unfaithful. On the other hand, should the test prove that I am wrong, I will have some peace just "knowing" at least they are all "mine" so to speak.
> 
> Regardless, I am and always will be their Dad


Good for you, anyone can be a father but it takes a special man to be a dad.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Good, treat them as your children regardless of who the biological father is, but they too have the right to know from whom they got half of their flesh and blood.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Whats your relationship like with your wife now? Sexlife etc??


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Whats your relationship like with your wife now? Sexlife etc??


Good question. Our relationship is really good. No money issues, kids doing great in school etc.

Sex life? It has it's good times, and times that it is not so good. I would say on average, once per week, occasionally twice per week. Sometimes we run into a rut and go a couple to three weeks w/o sex. I do not know if this is normal or not :scratchhead: Of course, I would love for it to be daily, but I know that is just not realistic while kids are still living @ home. It is always really good when we are together in a sexual way (just wish it were more often)

Almost nineteen years ago when I would catch her being untruthful to me, the sex was almost non-existent (another sign). She moved out to get her own place (another sign) after giving me the ILYBNILWY speech (another sign). Many more signs that seem to be common after reading so many threads on TAM, so there is not really a reason to list all of them


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

razorsedge said:


> Samples were received by the lab yesterday. They say it will be around 3 day turnaround time but I hope they get the testing done sooner.
> 
> I am trying to think of the questions I want to ask my W should the results come back with myself not being the father. I actually sent in samples from 2 of our children. Something the nurse told me when one of our children was born has always stuck with me. Long story for another day, but here are some questions I will want answered:
> 
> ...


There will be hell to pay on all accounts if the tests come back and the kids are not yours. I am hearing you brother.

If they are yours drop it.

If they are not yours. I would take my wife out to dinner, try to have a nice time, and when the bill comes have the waiter/waitress hand your wife a nice card with a note in it explaining what you found out. Hell I would even have someone record it. This is how cynical I have become. I would also have the kids stuff packed and ready for a four day vacation with just you. Again, just me being pis*ed off if you are right.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

razorsedge said:


> Samples were received by the lab yesterday. They say it will be around 3 day turnaround time but I hope they get the testing done sooner.
> 
> I am trying to think of the questions I want to ask my W should the results come back with myself not being the father. I actually sent in samples from 2 of our children. Something the nurse told me when one of our children was born has always stuck with me. Long story for another day, but here are some questions I will want answered:
> 
> ...



When you do get the results and if they turn out for the worse I suggest a break to give yourself some time to absorb the impact of this .

You want clarity of thought and control over your emotions when you confront your wife. Go to a hotel for a day or two.

I hope the results are in your favor.

Best wishes


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

it's better to "know," than to have a lingering feeling of doubt.

good luck. hope it's you.


BTW-- if it does come out that you're the dad, will let go of this feeling that she cheated. sounds like you won't be truly be satisfied until you catch her in the act, or she confesses to it.


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

Sorry for the late update. Test results came back this past Friday.

I should have had this done a long time ago. THEY ARE MINE :smthumbup: 

Like I said before, regardless of the results, I was their dad. Raising them for 18 + years kinda would render the results useless as far as them being my children. I just wanted to see because I do not think I ever got over her untruths (sounds better than lies. 

I was filled with elation for a few days, and then I started thinking of her deception back in the day. Although I am at peace about my children's dna, I still find myself bitter over being mislead on multiple occasions.

Do any threads exist that may be beneficial to me? I really want to let this go. I have not brought up all the lies she told in a very long time. It got to the point that she was more and more upset that I kept bringing the lies up that happened so long (almost 2 decades) ago. I need to stop reading the CWI threads, they seem to make me upset. 

Idk, maybe she is right, am I going through a midlife crisis? Who knows. 

Thanks again to everyone who contributed on this thread.

Special note to keko. Thank you for the private message you sent. It was very informitave. I tried replying back to you, but I noticed there is nothing in my sent messages folder.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

unless you change your settings to "save sent PM's" you wont get a copy, it was likely sent


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Must be relieving to get the results.

No problem on the message, glad I could help.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

RE,

I was in a similar situation. 

A friend of mine recently caught his wife cheating. While talking to me about it, he started listing all the red flags that he ignored at the time. Suddenly the light bulb went off in my head as what he was saying fit my wife's behavior 20 years ago when we were going through some tough times. I started thinking about it and it nearly drove me crazy for 4 months. Finally I could not take it any more and I sat her down and asked her about it. She was upset as your wife was about answering questions from 20 years ago and said she didn't even remember most of what I was asking about. For two months I would keep going back to it.

One day I realized that I was never going to get the answers I was looking for. Either she had nothing to hide and truly could not remember or she would simply keep denying. After all how could I prove anything that happened 20 years ago?

I had to sit down and decide for myself what I would do if she had actually had an affair back then. Like you, infidelity was the one total deal breaker. Looking at our 35 years together I finally decided even if she did do something around that time, I would not do anything now. I could not take any drastic action because of all we had been through together since that time.

It took me several weeks to put it all behind me and we have been much happier since. I could not believe how much this doubt had affected me and changed my behavior toward my wife, even unconsciously.

My advice to you is, if she has been a loving wife and mother since that time, put it in the past and live for today. You both will be much happier.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> RE,
> 
> I was in a similar situation.
> 
> ...


It is a long time but shows how this stuff eats at us. If she has done well over the years let it go. Find someone you can talk to about this. 

I am happy for you.


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

I'm still alive, still married, and still wonder about things. I have learned over the last several years that I need help with my coping. Relationships with the kids (adults now) is good. Weird factoid - my wife is the one wanting to be sexually active whenever we have a chance. I'm not so much into it anymore. Still love her and would not stray but lies and deceit, now well over 20 years ago, I can't seem to let go. Today, a co-worker told me about his relationship with his wife (he's much younger than I), it mirrors the relationship I had with my wife when I suspected betrayal. It brought back memories of this website that helped me so much in 2012. It also brought up angry feelings like I just found out about my wife's lies again. Grrr. I have missed this site.


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

I actually referred him to this website, so I hope he takes my advice. It helped me so much.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

raxorsedge,

What exactly did she lie about and what did you do to investigate?

Did you have your W take a polygraph?

Tamat


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Get some counseling.

You should have let this go years ago or gotten a divorce.

What kind of childhood did you have?


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> raxorsedge,
> 
> What exactly did she lie about and what did you do to investigate?
> 
> ...


I never asked her to do so and when I have some spare time, I will elaborate on what all I did to investigate. She lied about being on the phone with friends or family when in reality she was talking to other dudes. Still makes me mad to think about it...after twenty years lol.


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

ButtPunch said:


> Get some counseling.
> 
> You should have let this go years ago or gotten a divorce.
> 
> What kind of childhood did you have?


I could not help but lol @ your comment. You're right, I need counseling but just don't feel like it's that big of a deal anymore. A divorce, idk - hard to say. We both have good jobs, good kids, house almost paid for etc.. Who knows really.

I had a childhood where my dad left when I was 10-11 and I did not see him until I was 18-19. He lived all over the place (running from child support and the law). Would call in every few months and promise me he'd be seeing me "next week". Obviously I counted on seeing him and kept thinking he would show up, but he never did. It did a royal **** job on my outlook on life and I'm sure that's why I trust so very few people. A good thing he taught me by doing this to me is how to spot lies. He's pushing up daisies now and I don't really care much. He was not a good dad and was a well know liar although at such a young age, I had no idea. His dishonesty is why my mom divorced him.

Wow, writing that brings up so many negative emotions tbh. Is it world ending, not at all - it just hurts to remember.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

razorsedge said:


> I never asked her to do so and when I have some spare time, I will elaborate on what all I did to investigate. She lied about being on the phone with friends or family when in reality she was talking to other dudes. S*till makes me mad to think about it...after twenty years* lol.






razorsedge said:


> I could not help but lol @ your comment. Y*ou're right, I need counseling but just don't feel like it's that big of a deal anymore.* A divorce, idk - hard to say. We both have good jobs, good kids, house almost paid for etc.. Who knows really.
> 
> AND
> 
> *Wow, writing that brings up so many negative emotions tbh. Is it world ending, not at all - it just hurts to remember.*


It brings up anger and negative emotions even now and earlier you mentioned that it's still impacting how you relate to your wife on a daily basis. Since you started this thread in 2012, your sex life and connection to your wife has continued to decrease, but everything is just fine.

I suppose if being angry and disconnect in your marriage is not a big deal, then cool, stay this way. But if you want to improve your life, let go of bitterness, and enjoy your marriage, you need some help.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

razorsedge said:


> It also brought up angry feelings like I just found out about my wife's lies again. Grrr..


It sucks when you have memories of putting up with a spouse acting ****ty towards you, and you didn't address the red flags and problems at the time. Lots of anger, just a caution it can build up to the point you blow up some day. 

Happened to me, blowing up. My wife could be a mean flirt when she drank. Mean in that she'd flirt right in front of me, and at her worst would run me down when drunk. And she would lie sometimes. I'm ashamed I put up with it for so long, her being blonde, blue-eyed and pretty had something to do with it I suppose, but looking back just not worth all the grief. At times she was ugly on the inside. I had strong thoughts that she had cheated on me.

This just ate away inside me, our marriage got worse and worse even though as she grew to middle age she left her wild ways behind her. I started reading threads on TAM and SI and LS trying to understand how people cope with a spouse who frankly (looking back) should have been shown divorce papers.

So I was getting angrier and it came to a head a few years ago one Christmas (holidays heighten feelings I guess) and I lost-my-mind-angry with my wife. An all nighter yelling and accusations to my wife (happy holidays!).

I drunk-posted the next day on LS and didn't get a lot of sympathy frankly for being an ass. But in the following days received good advice about working through some marriage books with my wife. That helped some. Me reading MMSLP helped me, too. For a few months we had a meeting once a week about the state of our marriage, that helped. Somewhere along the line, maybe during my Christmas rage-out, I said I wanted her to take a polygraph. Weeks later at our weekly meeting, my wife brought it up, volunteered. I arranged it, she passed with no deception indicated. So that helped particularly because she volunteered. This was 3 or 4 years ago.

So... things are quite a bit better. Her drinking was a problem, that's ended. The thing about a polygraph though, even with my wife passing with flying colours, when the trust is shaken in your marriage like mine was, my experience is you never quite get the trust back. And it's maybe foolish to put complete trust in a polygraph anyway... but it helped me/us. 

Others have suggested back when you first posted if the DNA tests come back in your favour, drop it and get on with your life - you have doubts your wife cheated years ago, but really what can you do now. That advice has merit and I guess that's what you've done. I'd suggest the opposite: doing something, maybe IC, maybe MC with your wife. The latter will stir things up, no doubt, might make it better, too. 

So OP, careful this doesn't eat away at you until your marriage is in a real bad place or until you blow up. Make a conscious effort to put it in your past once and for all, or do something about it.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

RazorsEdge,

Has your W given you inconsistent stories over the years, and has she ever admitted to anything?

It does matter that she has continued to lie by omission to you for all these years, and she knows it.

It's now been almost 30 years with my W and OM1 and my W continues to stonewall me.

Tamat


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

See a counselor.

I believe your inability to let go stems from your childhood.

You can beat this but first you have to want to beat it.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

OP, you are not alone. We may never know the full truth about what happened with our SO back in the "dark years". For all I know, my W could have been butt naked, getting banged in the rear by the OM in the middle of the fountain in the town square!

We will never know the full truth, and by accepting to let them stay in our lives we never will.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I suppose for me, as my "issue" only happened last year around November, it is entirely different. But some parallels has been made. The feeling that she betrayed you, regardless of the 20 year difference is just semantics. She WAS NOT faithful to you. Mine was NOT to me. If OP's WW is texting other men at night and OP isn't allowed to see the texts, then fidelity was broken. Maybe it wasn't a "deal breaker" back then, but it has tarnished the marriage going forward. Just like mine. 

The difference is I have told my wife as much. My wife didn't go all the way into full-blown rutting and sneaking around with another guy ( in this case, her supervisor...)
But she had an entirely inappropriate relationship that was the scuttlebutt of the place she worked and was "actively" hidden from me....Until, the jackass guy ended up calling her cell phone in the middle of the night while she was passed out! That is the loss of fidelity. And like many others, you just cannot take it back. Where I used to hold my marriage up as a shining example to live to, I now have relegated it to the mediocrity and happenstance. It is a shame.

By finding out that you ARE the bio parent for your kids is a little soothing. But alas, it is just one box checked in a litany of question marks left by your "wife". By admitting to yourself that she DID cheat, and clearly you mark it in the sand for your relationship going forward...You will have a sense of grounding. I do believe that counseling for yourself will give you a good "tool belt" to work from and give confidence in your life looking back and looking forward as well. I feel, that your feelings are very warranted, and it should be something that your wife can empathize with you. You took those vows all those years ago, and they meant something different from the both of you. You may want to "renew" those vows and start with a blank slate. Any chance you have talked with her and the lies she was caught in. Not in a accusatory way, but in a matter of fact way of discussion?


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