# What to do?



## hangingbythreads. (Mar 11, 2018)

Married over 20 years - 3 children - 2 sons out-of-town at college - daughter at home has 1+ years of high school

Wife has been acting suspiciously for couple of months - always on phone "with sister", but unlike, past would refuse to lend me her phone if my cell died. A month ago, I overheard her talking to her sister (who is in a long process of getting divorced) and my wife told her that the affair is over and that wife hoped her replying email/text to his dumping her 'sounded lady-like enough' WTF! Wife was genuinely upset about getting dumped after 2 weeks! 

I told her my concerns - I didn't have evidence of affair only that it was 'over' - start of her denials. 

On Friday afternoon, I tracked her car to a hotel - I drove there and took pictures of her car there (not at her office in another town) - hour or so later she calls me (I record that conversation) and she says she is leaving her office (more lies) and heading home.
Friday night, (not as calmly as I would have liked), I confronted her and told her I know she was a hotel and was cheating on me - she admitted to it (partially - claims not to having sex with him - told her that was BS) I haven't done alot more questioning about affair - not sure I want to know.

Other info: I believe her friend who is separated from her husband, set my wife up on dating website - hence I'm not allowed to see her phone - she has changed password and hides it while she is in shower. On Friday, after this confrontation, she had this friend and her new boyfriend pick her up to go to her friend's apartment -- I believe friend showed her how to (temporarily?) delete the app and emails - I admit to being totally out of loop on these sites - I never had cheated, nor would I.

Wife says she wants to 'try with me' but she needs time -- she admitted that she is seeing a psychiatrist who she hopes will help her with her problems. I told her that was good and if they want me to attend I will help. I told her she has problems but sleeping around will not help them - she agreed but says it will take time for psychiatrist to help her -- she had a terrible childhood - parents were divorced and father left the family. 

I told her she needs to regain my trust after breaking it. She initially agreed but yesterday spoke to sister and friend and said 'she can't live in a prison' and refuses to send me emails about work events that would explain late evenings ( I think this is a reasonable thing for her to do and she would want to show me that she deserves my trust and she should have some compassion towards me ) I told her it's not prison but she needs to do more than tell me affair(s) are over --- please question/comment on this.

<I assume many are thinking "Dump her ass and leave"> 
Here are two reasons making this difficult:
a) Kids - I never want to see them hurt -- I am one who believes that (unlike physical violence or constant fighting) most kids want a whole family. My kids are bright but sensitive people - especially my eldest son, who will be badly impacted by a divorce.

b) My health - 3 years ago, I had a tumor removed from my body - I get scan every 6 months to see if cancer has returned. No one knows how long they have but my condition is like a Sword of Damocles (this is hard to type --> If I die, it will cause my kids so much pain, I'm worried about causing them more pain by divorcing my wife.

Please feel free to ask me questions - I'm not sure if everything I wrote makes sense.

On a related note - does anyone recommend Survive Her Affair ebook? I have no previous experience in dealing with all this and wonder if the book can help a guide to what to do next?

Thanks all.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

NEVER use the kids as an excuse to stay in an unfaithful marriage. Your kids will turn out far better growing up in 2 separate homes with 2 happy parents, than one home with 2 miserable parents. They will pick up on the resentment and animosity that will build between the two of you. Also, think about how your kids will feel when they find out eventually that you lived a miserable life for them. The guilt they will feel will be enormous and will change the way they view life and trust for the rest of their days. get an amicable divorce from your wife who has obviously already checked out of your marriage. It's apparent she has no remorse and wants no part of your marriage any longer. See a lawyer and start your filing.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Could you possibly be any more passive?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

HBT,

Sorry you find yourself here.....but ‘here’ is the best place for advice for someone in your situation IMO.

Right now......you are starting off everything on the wrong foot.....

You may want R, and there is nothing wrong with that if its your choice.....

But it is impossible to R with an unremorseful WW.....and THAT is what you are dealing with right now.

Your WW is unrepentant, still hiding and lying, and doing nothing to show she wants to fix this [email protected], she has not even yet admitted to you what exactly she HAS done and to what extent her betrayal has gone......and she continues close friendships with people you suspect are actively helping her to have A’s.

The is NO chance for R with these conditions.

Your first priority must be to get yourself out of infidelity ASAP.

Expose her A to all friends and both your families.

Contact a lawyer and file for D (do not worry if you truly want R.....D does not happen overnight......it can be cancelled if your WW wakes up).......this will show her in no uncertain terms you will NOT put up with her crap for a minute longer.

Then confront her with your non-negotiable demands.....

You need to know everything she has done (you do not need to ask for details if you do not want them, but you do need to know the extent of her betrayal)

You need to know the names of every OM she has been involved with (do not assume it has been only the 1, especially if she has been on a dating/cheating website)

She must immediately end all contact with any OM.....AND with her friends who are enabling her cheating.....they must ALL go.

She must become transparent to prove that she is doing these things......if she refuses, then you must assume she is continuing with her betrayals since she does not want to be open with you.

Until she does these things, refuse to talk to her about anything but kids, necessities, and D proceedings.

R simply cannot start until she agrees to these things as a minimum.

If she refuses, you have no choice but to continue with the D......unless you drop it and decide to live with your WW actively cheating in a one sided open M.

I know this might sound harsh or overreacting......but you are going to hear similar advice from most of the veteran posters here.

And this is because there is a simple truth to dealing with a WW....

You CANNOT ‘nice’ them back into loving and respecting you......

It NEVER works.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

The only thing worse for kids than being from a broken home is being in a broken home. Kids for the most part want your time and attention and you can give that to them regardless. The "I need time" story is a classic stalling tactic to continue an affair. I think you need to consult with an attorney to find out your legal position, you don't have to file yet, but you need to be prepared. Otherwise I would lay low and keep your eyes and ears open.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Coming from a broken home is no excuse to act the way she is. Billions of people do. She does not need a psychiatrist, she needs moral values and integrity. She is using that as an excuse. 
You need to set clear boundaries for the marriage to continue, and that must include her being 100% open and honest with you about everything. She is clearly being heavily influenced by women who are breaking up or have broken up with their partners, which is a very bad idea. She doesn't sound in the least repentant or sorry.

I appreciate that you have children, but with no consequences she has no reason to stop or not do it again.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you and your W are confused. A married woman doesn't get to date or have boyfriends.

You need to lower the boom. Tell her that she becomes transparent so that you can try to trust her again, or it's divorce. She knows you're afraid to split up, so she thinks she's in the power position. This is Psychology 101. Take away her feeling of power over you. Stand firm and declare your own honor and self-respect.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

hangingbythreads said:


> Married over 20 years - 3 children - 2 sons out-of-town at college - daughter at home has 1+ years of high school
> 
> Wife has been acting suspiciously for couple of months - always on phone "with sister", but unlike, past would refuse to lend me her phone if my cell died. A month ago, I overheard her talking to her sister (who is in a long process of getting divorced) and my wife told her that the affair is over and that wife hoped her replying email/text to his dumping her 'sounded lady-like enough' WTF! Wife was genuinely upset about getting dumped after 2 weeks!
> 
> ...


You don't need to read a book you need to get strong and have some self respect. 

You are the type that talks and does nothing which means you're going to get walked on and her affairs rubbed in your face. Unless you fix yourself.

She could care less because what she's seeing is a helpless, weak and pathetic husband that she has no respect for. You set the tone for how people treat you.

Better wake the hell up


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

hangingbythreads said:


> a) Kids - I never want to see them hurt -- I am one who believes that (unlike physical violence or constant fighting) most kids want a whole family. My kids are bright but sensitive people - especially my eldest son, who will be badly impacted by a divorce.



Here's the thing Dawg, and you think about it by putting yourself in your kids shoes. Ain't nothing more damaging for kids than to know their mother is ****ing around and daddy to much of a coward to do anything but go along to get along. If you never want to see them hurt, don't let them loose respect for you. Your son don't need to see his old man looking like a puzzy whipped dog. They will never recover. Besides that, trying to keep thing together for the kids something your trying to sell everybody to keep from looking like you don't what it takes to ditch her. 



Dyokemm said:


> HBT,
> 
> You may want R, and there is nothing wrong with that if its your choice.....


Why would the chick want to "R"? She can have fun banging other guys and still have old reliable standing by. When a suitable replacement comes along, she'll jettison his azz


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

hangingbythreads said:


> Married over 20 years - 3 children - 2 sons out-of-town at college - daughter at home has 1+ years of high school
> 
> Wife has been acting suspiciously for couple of months - always on phone "with sister", but unlike, past would refuse to lend me her phone if my cell died. A month ago, I overheard her talking to her sister (who is in a long process of getting divorced) and my wife told her that the affair is over and that wife hoped her replying email/text to his dumping her 'sounded lady-like enough' WTF! Wife was genuinely upset about getting dumped after 2 weeks!
> 
> ...


Do yourself a huge favor and file for divorce ASAP.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Start the hard 180 now. I know it's difficult, but you won't be worse off if you start it. There must be no compromise. Often BS's back off. Don't do it. Accept no excuse. Gird up your loins. You are in a race!


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Sitting around passively while your wife has sex with other men is one way to guarantee that she will NOT find you interesting enough to stay in the marriage.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

hangingbythreads said:


> *b) My health - 3 years ago, I had a tumor removed from my body - I get scan every 6 months to see if cancer has returned. No one knows how long they have but my condition is like a Sword of Damocles...*


Damn, HbT...

Your cheating wife has you 1 foot in the hole. Can't you see it. She is shopping around for another free ride. Some kind of treasure she must be. :surprise:

Your "kids" are grown. Stop with the "destruction of the family song". Your Cheating Sicko wife has already taken care of that. 

NOW is time to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and financially. LAWYER UP NOW!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

I have seen this before. One spouse on borrowed time so the other goes shopping for a replacement. Absolutely cruel. 

File for a divorce now. Her sitting on the fence telling you she needs to have time to get over her lover is itself letting a cancer grow. You don't need the stress of what she is up to making you sick again. Just file and finish it. Ohh, and that nonsense excuse about problem childhood making her a cheater and needing more time to cheat to resolve it. Ummm No.

Stop making excuses about divorce impacting the kids. Just tell them why, file and finish it. They will get over it.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Your story is nothing new. You could read here like I did and find out how often this happens.

Like any other kinds of human behavior, cheating is very predictable. If I call you names, call you fat or stupid, the large majority of people will feel sad, a good minority might also be angry. Predictable of cheating is just like that. There's no universal actions or reactions, but most will act and react will be very similar for 80-90 percent of people.

Your wife and you are well within that range.

You are basing your reactions based on your feelings. Not based on facts. What you believe, how things you feel "should" be, etc. Practially all cheaters are fuled solely by feelings. Most people like you come around to the same conclusion. Some take longer than others. You will get there, too. All of the posters here, telling you "do this" or "do that," people like me, explaining how this works or what will happen, no matter what you feel now, you will come around to agreement with that.

Go read any thread here, not one that just happened, but one that started a while back, where you can see how it concluded or resolved. You will see the initial poster is just like you, who disagrees with the posters here, and eventually, they mostly do agree.

So my suggestion to you is to continue feeling and believing whatever you feel or believe. Don't change because of what people here say. I really do believe you have to get there by yourself. You want your old life, your old wife, protect your kids from trauma. Who wouldn't want that? As a cancer survivor, to a man who I hope survives cancer, did you plan for cancer? No, it just happened, and you had to deal with it. Your wife probably supported you. You have a long history with her where she supported you and your family all these years. It's hard to see that it changed. It's not like the cancer, where the doctor could show you the x-ray where the tumor was, you could see it with your own eyes. Your doctor didn't pull any punches, told no lies. With the cheating, you can't see it like that. Your wife is lying to you, trying to keep you from it, working against you. And you can't quite see it. But you see it enough to post here for help.

Take your time. Your wife is disrespecting you, gaslighting you, and dangling a carrot to lead you on and keep you in limbo on the hook, until she decides what she wants. She will not choose you as long as she thinks she can always come back to you whenever she's ready. But you must realize this for yourself. So go ahead and do that.

Not all affairs are the same. Like cancer, there are different types. Some, maybe most, affairs are based on opportunity. Happy marriage, gets bored and stale, empty nest syndrome, suddenly a new person shows interest and attention and the would-be cheater gets some puppy-love feelings, excitement, and then question the stale marriage and old spouse. That's fueled by emotion, and was not planned out. Your wife's affair was not that. Your wife planned for cheating. She got on a dating website and sought out an affair.

How does your wife feel about you? Why did she do what she did? Why is she still doing it? Does she not care the same about your children? Doesn't she love her children as do you? If your friends tell you all of the benefits of cheating, would they be able to convince you? Do you believe that people can change?

Does your wife think that she has sacrificed for everyone but herself all these years, sacrificed for you, sacrificed for your kids, and now that the final child soon will be in college, it's time for her to do things she wants. The grass is greener, her friends told about all of the excitment, affair sex is fantastic by the way, her friends have told her. You deserve this for you, girlfriend! Do you think your friends could convince you with that?

I'm sure everyone else here is going to give what is needed to move forward. I am going to tell you that you have to be ready to do that - you have to feel it yourself, not just because other people tell you that. You will be ready sooner or later. When you have had enough from the way you are being treated, you will come around.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Expose to everybody. 

File for divorce.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Change sucks. It’s scary. It’s hard. It’s hurtful.

But.....,,, there’s only one thing for you to do. File for divorce. Spend your time on earth finding someone else. Your wife is despicable and will only bring you pain and stress. She’s going to kill you by stressing you out.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

hangingbythreads said:


> Married over 20 years - 3 children - 2 sons out-of-town at college - daughter at home has 1+ years of high school


 2 of your 3 children are adults that no longer live at home with you, and your 3rd is only just a few months away from that. Any attempt by you to claim that they are the reason that you will stay in a marriage with an unremorseful spouse is just you shamefully using them as a poor excuse for you being weak. Maybe if they were younger, but not now.



hangingbythreads said:


> I overheard her talking to her sister (who is in a long process of getting divorced) and my wife told her that the affair is over and that wife hoped her replying email/text to his dumping her 'sounded lady-like enough' WTF!


 Talk about disrespecting you, she did not even have the decency to keep it a secret from her sister.



hangingbythreads said:


> I told her my concerns - I didn't have evidence of affair only that it was 'over' - start of her denials.
> 
> On Friday afternoon, I tracked her car to a hotel - I drove there and took pictures of her car there (not at her office in another town) - hour or so later she calls me.


Since the hotel came after it was suppose to be “over”, either it is no longer over or she is sleeping around with more than one guy. Either way, she is still cheating. 



hangingbythreads said:


> I believe her friend who is separated from her husband, set my wife up on dating website - hence I'm not allowed to see her phone - she has changed password and hides it while she is in shower.


 So both her sister and friend are in on it, meaning that her primary relationships are toxic and enemies of your marriage.



hangingbythreads said:


> Wife says she wants to 'try with me' but she needs time


When a cheater says that they want to “try” but “needs time”, that is cheater speak for she is not willing to give up her cheating. Counseling is just a stall tactic at this stage.



hangingbythreads said:


> I told her she needs to regain my trust after breaking it. She initially agreed but yesterday spoke to sister and friend and said 'she can't live in a prison'


So her toxic friend and sister are both still fully committed to her cheating.

The best chance to save your marriage long term is for you to show strength and to be really willing to end the marriage. You have to accept that you may not be able to save it, but it gives you the best odds. 

Since your children are old enough, without telling your wife first, you need to tell your children about the cheating, and about the friend and sister’s involvement. They need to know that if you divorce it was not your fault. Your wife will get very angry when she hears this and she will even try to falsely say that this is the reason that there will be a divorce. You need to not show weakness, and instead tell her that her cheating views on the subject carry no weight, and that you would love to be there when she tries to sell this bull to the kids.

Without missing a beat, you need to tell her that you are moving immediately for divorce unless she is committed right now to trying to save the marriage. That even if she is, you cannot promise that it can be saved, but you will try. Then tell her that you need the following:

1. Full no contact for life with the other man or men.
2. Full information on the other man or men along with a timeline of the cheating. You cannot try to forgive what you do do know about.
3. An agreement that going forward both of you will practice full transparency, including giving each other all passwords and access to all devices without complaint.
4. Full no contact with the toxic friend for life.
5. A sit down with her toxic sister where you discuss her lack of ethics in supporting the affair, and you telling her that she is no long welcome at your house. Although your wife can stay in contact with her, their will be no trips or sleepovers.
6. That that their will be other items later.

There should be no negotiations on this, and you must accept that she will almost for sure first say no, as she tries to call your bluff. If you back down now, your marriage will eventually end, but it will take longer and be more painful. Slow deaths are always more painful than quick ones.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

TRy said:


> So both her sister and friend are in on it, meaning that her primary relationships are toxic and enemies of your marriage.
> 
> The best chance to save your marriage long term is for you to show strength and to be really willing to end the marriage.


Oftentimes sisters are cut from the same cloth. Back in a past life, I use to do two sisters, both married and one me up with the other.

As far as saving his marriage, he can do that for awhile by just letting her screw around. If he behaves himself, she may cut him in on an occasional mercy f. The advise about stopping her association with enemies of his marriage is useless. He ain't in control and is at the mercy of her wants and desires.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Kids will be fine. They will learn from your 
example. Staying in a toxic relationship
or standing up and moving on. Her current 
affair may be over but sounds like there will be
more. No need to expose her affairs sounds like
every body knows. ( sisters, their husbands other men)
The only one who does not get it is you!
DUMP HER AND HER TOXIC SISTERS
Divorce her today. You had cancer
keep hanging around and she may 
very well bring you some STDS


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

Hi Friend, really sorry to hear about this. You dont deserve this **** let alone your children. Im very sorry to be blunt but your wife is a pig. She deserves a big dose of reality shoved in her face. Consult a very aggressive divorce attorney. Like the best you can afford. Try to gather your evidence. You are going to make it thru this. The initial shock is the worst. I am praying for you and your family and for your health as well.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

hangingbythreads:

1. Change your will immediately.

2. Change the beneficiaries on any life insurance policies over to your children. Make the most trustworthy your power of attorney.

3. Start separating monies.

4. Lawyer up and have her served. The process can be stopped at your decision.

5. Expose to anyone who will listen.

6. You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. Hit her hard and you may shock her into remorse. If not, you will shorten the process and your path to healing. 

7. Be strong, courageous, and decisive.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I was in a similar place as you so listen up.

At this point, the details around whether your wife is having an affair or not, or whether you have cancer, or whether your kids are in a two parent home or not should be irrelevant compared to your personal respect, happiness and confidence. Try to put all of the current issues aside for a moment and ask yourself the following questions;

1. Do my wife and I have clear and open communication and are my intimate, difficult and/or personal issues met?
2. Do I respect myself such that I would take immediate and forceful action against anyone who hurts me, regardless of who that is?
3. Do I rely on my partner (and others) for emotional approval? 

Based on my own history I would bet you that deep down, your honest answers to the above questions are NO, NO, YES. If so, where to from here?

I suggest you need to find your own path to happiness sir. That usually means starting intense personal counselling. Generally happiness for a man is self respect and achievement.

In regard to your wife, understand that she is in a dream land at the moment, caught up in the emotional excitement. They call this the fog and she will be in that place until you vigorously SHOCK her out of that place and bring her back down to earth.

My advice is to draw up divorce papers and hand them to your wife. Tell her that her affair is a mark of severe disrespect to you and the family. If she argues, blame shifts or chooses to do anything but put 110% into you and the family, she needs to sign the papers and leave the house.

As an option you can tell her that her actions have made you realise that you have not respected yourself by allowing this to get as far as it has and that you will no longer tolerate ANY action that will cause you disrespect or pain, and that you are in counselling to ensure that you will be a person who WILL be respected.

These actions will do three things; 
- It shows her you respect yourself
- It shows her that her actions will have dire consequences
- It will shock her with the reality of the outcomes of her actions. 

Trust me you need to be brave and go all out. Anything less and you are wasting your own time and will put your whole family through a long stretched out ordeal with a guaranteed divorce at the end.

In your situation, I think advice relating to "the 180" etc are a distraction from your primary goal which is your own personal journey of self respect, self approval and confidence.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

skerzoid said:


> hangingbythreads:
> 
> 1. Change your will immediately.
> 
> ...


*YES, AND PLEASE DO THESE practical things.*


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you realize you are playing into her game she is holding all the cards...LISTEN to the posters they know what they talking about...you are being played demonstrating your weakness....she sees you as a weak man...kick her to the curb and get yourself checked out


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Why not try to develop a rappore with the sister and/ or her friend and try to nail both. Tell them for the life of you , you don't understand year the family considers your old lady the girl who can get the when she outstandingly pretty and sexy. Invite her to dinner and be smooth about know knowing she's a beauty .


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Yeah. No, don't use the kids as an excuse.

Also the fact you have health problems is an even bigger reason not to continue taking this disrespect...no wait..the fact your wife already is using the childhood issues as an excuse she has no desire to stop cheating is an even bigger disrespect.

Where exactly has your softly softly approach got you?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Keep reading the other threads around here. There are at least a thousand that start just like yours. The ones that take control and lawyer up do fine. The ones that continue to do what you are doing make the hell long and drawn out then eventually get a lawyer and divorce. 

The only chance you have of saving this marriage is rip the band aid off quick and file. Either way you and your kids will heal faster. That may even save your life. Getting rid of this stress will improve your chances of staying healthy. She is a walking tumor.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I reread your post again, given your medical health i would still divorce her, but if you decide to stay i would immediately change your will and your insurance and have a trust created for the kids making someone other than your wife to be the trustee...the last thing you want is to have your wife new boyfriend (if you pass away) spend your money on themselves.....NEVER REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR....


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you are so concerned about your health and how it will affect your kids, then why would you willingly stay in a loveless, abusive relationship?
You do realize that by staying, you are teaching your kids that this kind of marriage is normal, right? Then, they will most likely emulate this when they are adults and history will repeat itself.

Have you ever heard the lament "I don't want to be like my Mom/Dad?" Yet, ultimately, that is exactly what happens to us unless we have good exemplars.

Kids go through tough times. It's part of learning to grow and mature. No one wishes harm upon them.
You want to protect them from despair, which is admirable but ultimately not going to net them the kind of resilience they will require to know later in life.

The best lesson you can give them is to show them that you can be divorced and still love them; still be an excellent father. It's up to her to show them a similar path.
If they see that you can be happy while apart from their mom, they will come to understand that you did the right thing, for yourself and for them.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> *Here's the thing Dawg, and you think about it by putting yourself in your kids shoes. Ain't nothing more damaging for kids than to know their mother is ****ing around and daddy to much of a coward to do anything but go along to get along.*


This.

It's not the situation or the circumstances that brought it about that define you in your children's eyes.
How you react to it does. 
Watching you take on and beat cancer is already hugely heroic for them. Don't drop the ball with this. Be the hero your son in particular needs you to be here.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Don’t worry about the kids and divorce, your wife already killed the marriage. Needing time? This time will be to get AP back, nothing about wanting to work on the marriage or you. Tell your wife you married her, not sister or friend and to politely excuse themselves from a marriage your wife killed. That’s just to start.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

All the good advice from those that have been here a long time...plus...
I saw where your SO said I can't live in a prison anymore....what??....and she says she'll no longer call or text if she's working late at office or business functions...what? on that too. Touching base when any team member of a married couple is going to be late/not keeping their normal schedule is one of the most basic actions a couple do for each other. Knowing these things is what helps keep them in synch, contributes to safety, and shows one another they are important to one another.

If she out and out said she'll no longer participate in that ritual she's either done something fishy or she's clearing the way for free time to press on with said fishy behavior. Typically a big red flag.
Hang in there.


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## hangingbythreads. (Mar 11, 2018)

Thanks to everyone who took time to reply (even those of you who gave me a kick in the ass).

Here's a brief update -- not sure if I did it correctly but tried to start the 180. Last night, she asked me to sit and talk. I told her I would stand and listen to her - she told me she didn't think I could forgive her - I told her she isn't giving me any reason to do so. 

I told her I would sleep in a spare bedroom - guys you know why this is better right? 

Went back to my office to read other threads as suggested. Later she said should one of us move out - I told her she can if she wants - she was surprised by that.

Later she comes back to my office and see another thread about guy going through a divorce. She asks what she can do for us - I show her a list of items from a website -- mandatory things for her to TRY to regain my trust -- unlike the previous "like prison" comment she says that she will do them.

(She claims she didn't go one website to meet the OM and that friend didn't set up account for her - I'm not sure any of this is true. She claims to have met him at a meeting downtown - doesn't help me either way but I'm thinking if she is not on website it might be better (of course she is thinking this is a "better" thing to say - I'm not totally stupid) )

I slept in the spare room and got a good night's sleep for a change.

This morning, she calls me and is yelling "how could I track her car - she didn't set up Link" - I basically hang up on her (I was listening to business conference call). I text her back after the meeting is done and tell her that she cannot yell at me anymore and if she cannot speak to me with respect then don't call me. Told her that if she doesn't show remorse for her affair then we're done.
She calls me and is calmed down - I tell her I will not allow her to yell at me. She agrees (I know she can be lying but I need to say it anyways) - I tell her she should stop worrying about my tracking her and worry about her trying to regain my trust. I tell her if she is not going to try then I won't waste my time in trying to R and just move to divorce. I tell her I need to NOT be stressed by her and I need to try to maintain my health. She says she is sorry and will try to regain my trust (I know this could be another lie).

Anyways, feels a bit like baby steps but I do feel calmer and from the replies, I realize I am stronger than some think and I can find what is right for me even without her. 

I do appreciate the suggestions (other than the one about doing her sister and/or friend - not my style)


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You're hanging in there pretty good OP. Couple of suggestions.

She sleeps in the spare bedroom. She's the one who cheated.

The other thing is; you seem to be a little off track with your R vs. D trajectory. Instead of indicating to her that you're waiting to see if she gains your trust; she should be realizing that at this point you're headed for D based on her non-remorseful behavior. If she wants that to change, you'll be peaking back over your shoulder from time to time as you're headed out the door, to see if she's willing to accept consequences and demonstrate genuine remorse. But, her screaming at you and complaining about transparency shows you she isn't.

She needs to feel an urgency. She needs to feel what it's like to have real uncertainty over whether she's going to lose her husband for cheating. Trust me, R or D, that's a consequence that will do her a world of good.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Until you know for sure assume whatever she says is because you want to hear it.

Until you can prove her honesty consistently assume she's lying.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

My friend you are dealing with how almost every cheater does when they get busted, it's amazing how identical the script following goes......and yes as usual the "I need more time.....", No she doesn't.
Follow up and have her served with D., She needs some "shock and awe" right now to snap her into reality, trust people here, nothing else rarely works but that otherwise they will continue affair underground.
believe absolutely nothing she says unless u got proof, assume it was physical sex and emotional....sorry u are here, but you are not alone

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

HBTS, you are off to a great start in being proactive in this in letting her know her betrayal has consequences and you are not a doormat. Good for you, bravo.

When it comes to trusting her don't forget everything you know about the affair comes from you digging it up. She volunteered nothing and tried to lie. She will absolutely continue to lie to you, do not trust what she says with certainty. Keep your guard up. Cheaters always lie, they lie for a long time. Some never stop lying.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I would find out who her other man is and inform his wife without warning.

Go online and check your phone bill.

She probably still lying so take anything with a grain of salt.

The only one who can keep you in infidelity is you.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

That is a huge step in one day. Give yourself a pat on the back.

I think it's a lot to learn in a day. But you've got the gist of it. Respect yourself, and demand that she respect you.

I'm not sure what list you gave her, but has she done anything of it? Did she leave the tracker on the car? Actions are important. Words almost meaningless.

There should be pre-conditions before serious negotiations. (1) Truth of the affair, who he is, name, address, married or not, where he lives, how the affair started, why - whatever you want. (2) Ending the affair, giving you some type of evidence that reasonably you can believe it is true (i.e., not just her words).


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

hangingbythreads said:


> Married over 20 years - 3 children - 2 sons out-of-town at college - daughter at home has 1+ years of high school
> 
> Wife has been acting suspiciously for couple of months - always on phone "with sister", but unlike, past would refuse to lend me her phone if my cell died. A month ago, I overheard her talking to her sister (who is in a long process of getting divorced) and my wife told her that the affair is over and that wife hoped her replying email/text to his dumping her 'sounded lady-like enough' WTF! Wife was genuinely upset about getting dumped after 2 weeks!
> 
> ...


Everything you’ve done above is pointless unless you get her to stop screwing other men. If she does not stop dating going to hotels and ****ing other guys reading a book on surviving her affair it’s pointless. Until she stops seeing other guys you can’t do anything to save the marriage and it doesn’t sound like she’s quitting any time soon. So I hope you enjoy being cockolded the rest of your marriage.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Your wife is not remorseful. This evident by her behavour. You need to prepare for Divorce and take a hard line. Have you seperated any joint finances yet? Do this immediately without warning her. Take out any joint monies and bank into your own account. Have you work pay go into your own account also. Cancel any joint credit cards etc. Your wife needs to experience consequences for her actions. At present she has experienced very minimal consequences. It would seem she was taken a little by suprise by your stance of hanging up on her and telling her she can move out.

In regards to the bedroom, move back in to the main room and shift off your wife to the spare room. Be firm on this. Your actions will signify 1000 words. She cheated she gets exiled to the spare room, and she is free to move out if she doesn't like it. Your wife needs to understand this. Only a hard line might give you a hope of saving your marriage and if it can't be saved at the very least you would have clawed back your dignity.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I would still take the time to meet with a lawyer now and discuss your options...this will also show her that you are in control of yourself...

we can put together a list for you of what she should do 

1. no contact AT ALL
2. have her sister apologize to you for disrespect you or else she is not welcomed in your home
3. tell her that you will one day tell your kids what mommy did 
4. She needs to write a complete timeline of everything that happen
5. you have the option for her to take a polygraph if you think she lied
6. complete transparency at all times including handing off passwords
7. option to retrieve all text


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

hangingbythreads said:


> Told her that if she doesn't show remorse for her affair then we're done.


Here's the way I see it. If a person is remorseful, it automatically show. It you have to tell them to show remorse, its an act. Moreover, a remorseful person tows the mark and walks the line. BTW, if you want to track her car, check of Whistle dog trackers.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

hangingbythreads said:


> Thanks to everyone who took time to reply (even those of you who gave me a kick in the ass).
> 
> Here's a brief update -- not sure if I did it correctly but tried to start the 180. Last night, she asked me to sit and talk. I told her I would stand and listen to her - she told me she didn't think I could forgive her - I told her she isn't giving me any reason to do so.
> 
> ...


FFS, dude.

Given that neither remorse nor transparency is coming naturally to her, there’s no point in trying to step her through this ****.

*All you’re doing is giving her step-by-step instructions on how to go about lying to you in a more convincing way.*

Like I said — do yourself a huge favor and file for divorce ASAP.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

You're right Gus. He needs to ***** slap that B by filing right now. In the unlikely event that she become truly remorseful in the future, he can pull it back.


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## annierose7995 (Mar 11, 2018)

I second the person who said it's better for kids to have father and mother living separately but happy than for them to be in the same household if something like that is going on. Staying together would mean teaching your children that putting up with possible infidelity and a toxic relationship is an acceptable standard for them to follow later in life, even if it's subconsciously.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

You are the one in prison, not your selfish, cheating, lying wife. Set yourself free.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would call her sister and see if she will talk. Probably not but who knows. Ask her if your wife went on double dates with her. Ask her who he is. Ask her if she set your wife up with him. Then tell her never to come around, speak to you or your kids ever again if she is to forthcoming and doesn’t dent deny knowing anything about your wife’s affair. 

If your wife doesn’t start making amends she needs to be exposed to her parents. If she met him at a business meeting she needs to be exposed to HR.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> FFS, dude.
> 
> Given that neither remorse nor transparency is coming naturally to her, there’s no point in trying to step her through this ****.
> 
> ...





Hangin


I just wanted to quote this because I don’t think you’ve read it. Read it and live it, it’s your only choice to live the way you want to, with or without her.


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## 2018MylifeMyMarriage (Mar 9, 2018)

I’m sorry for your situation. But the way I see it, you need to file for divorce IMMEDIATELY!!!! If R is your goal, this will shake her back into reality. Once this happens, you need to set up some very strict rules, such as no contact with ANYONE that encouraged the affair! 
And FULL and Complete transparency!


If she refuses or breaks it once, JUST ONCE, you must go through with the divorce. If you don’t, you are giving her permission to screw anyone she wants, anytime she wants!!!


I’m sorry, but I think you know what you need to do. 

Good luck


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Your wife is unfaithful. You cannot change that or her. You can however, decide what to do with your life. Her poor choices have placed you in a position to make hard decisions. She's not thinking about you, your health, your marriage or your kids, so you have to do so independently. It's a harsh reality. Your wife has a boyfriend. Those five words should make your blood boil. 

Right now, your wife's boyfriend has taken priority over you and your family. Only you can remove you and your family from experiencing the roller coaster that she's probably going to take you on. Your in-love with her, I assume. That's okay, as most married couples are in-love or love one another. However, this doesn't mean that you can't leave her for someone who can love you and your kids as you deserve. Your wife having a boyfriend isn't conducive to your kids family life. 

You either accept her and her boyfriend or you don't. There's no in between. None. You have to divorce her so that you can move on. Life's too short to f' around with someone who's uncertain if they want you or your family. The future is on you at this point. Your wife has played her hand, and now's your turn.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

You need to learn the identity of her boyfriend


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

​


eric1 said:


> You need to learn the identity of her boyfriend


Agree with this. I would also have a meeting with both of them and have her tell him its over. No contact - ever. I think its a more valuable process than you might expect.

You are still plan B at this stage.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Before anything else happens these toxic people (sister and friend) need to be shown the door. I promise you have ZERO chance salvaging anything as long as they're filling her head with crap...and they are.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Zombie thread?


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## hangingbythreads. (Mar 11, 2018)

Hi, all;

Back after awhile - I realize that my marriage is done - my children have been supportive.

Had a medical test and results were good. Been take care of myself. Not talking much with my wife.

I have been to a lawyer and have started processing- any suggestions on this front are appreciated.

Question: I have discovered the name of her AP - it is worthwhile to expose him? Back after I confronted her, she refused to tell me anything about him. I have no solid evidence of them together (photos) so don’t know if his wife would believe anything I would say.

Advice?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hangingbythreads. said:


> Hi, all;
> 
> Back after awhile - I realize that my marriage is done - my children have been supportive.
> 
> ...


Yes sir, expose far and wide. Specifically the other BS. She has a right to know her H destroyed your marriage. Her H is a dirt ball.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Malaise said:


> Could you possibly be any more passive?


Unfortunately yes.....


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Yes sir, expose far and wide. Specifically the other BS. She has a right to know her H destroyed your marriage. Her H is a dirt ball.


I did it. It was liberating! and Powerful!


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

hangingbythreads. said:


> Hi, all;
> 
> Back after awhile - I realize that my marriage is done - my children have been supportive.
> 
> ...


Suggestions on Lawyer Divorce Front - Can you elaborate on what questions you have or specific things you want help with. Lawyer should pretty much spell out what you need to do, who it's going to go, etc, etc. 

Expose AP - Not sure I would expose right now or the value in it for a couple of reasons and you will get conflicting advice on this.
1. You are moving forward with Divorce, not trying to reconcile. One of the best lines I have every seen on here is that exposing affairs are the tools or breaking up the affair and reconciliation not when you are going through a divorce. 
2. Sounds like you don't have ironclad evidence which could backfire on your in a number of ways even if you know the God's Honest Truth.
3. You got it on the wife not believing you. Could be a crapshoot if you don't have the definitive evidence. When I went to OM's Wife the first time I had what I knew, which was the tip of the iceberg compared to what I found out. The OM's wife basically blamed me for stirring up trouble and it was much ado about nothing. The next time I came back to OM's Wife was 2 months later when I had the iceberg in hand, photos, texts, emails, you name it. OM's wife apologized for not believing me before but you see what might happen. The AP's Significant others don't want to believe this, they really don't so unless you have a steak through the heart in evidence, there's always a chance they will kill the messenger, which could also make things more of a Hell in the short term emotionally.

Go on with the processing, listen to your lawyer and ask lawyer ways of obtaining evidence of the affair. There's a chance AP could be called into court to testify if things have to go to a judgement vs being agreed upon in mediation. But I would hold everything you have close to your vest right now.

EDIT: And I'm all for letting OM's Wife know, it's the right thing to do, I just don't know if you have the ammo right now to carry it out effectively.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have a serious illness, but have been given a chance at a new life, take it and stop hanging onto this excuse for a life. Divorce her and tell the kids why


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## hangingbythreads. (Mar 11, 2018)

Need some help. After telling her that I want to get divorce, she is saying that she wants to try to reconcile and has been saying to give her another chance! Need advice to keep me from falling into trick and make her understand “Too Late”


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

hangingbythreads. said:


> Need some help. After telling her that I want to get divorce, she is saying that she wants to try to reconcile and has been saying to give her another chance! Need advice to keep me from falling into trick and make her understand “Too Late”


You dont need to make her understand anything, you just need to tell her, sorry its too late.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

She will understand when she is served.

I’m sorry and congratulations on refusing to be disrespected and getting out of the hell that she willingly put you in!


Also, did you notify the scumbags wife yet?


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Simply tell her that some mistakes are unforgivable. And tell her she cross that line.

Also when you file, if Possible, make sure that the reason for the divorce is clearly labeled adultery

Try to go with no contact! She’ll try to talk to you, she’ll pleaded, she’ll try to seduce you, your best course of action is no contact

Good luck and hang in there


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Well now, what do you want hanging? How about you truly find out where you rank with your wife. This should also help you in having the resolve to say anything or feel anything for her. Tell your wife you will try reconciliation, but on your terms only. Tell her she has ten seconds to make this decision. Have her write down everything about OM, phone number, employment, how many times, where, etc.. Now she may do this, but if you want to know who she will protect, then have her do this next. Tell her to call OM’s wife, tell her of the affair with the exact information she wrote for you. Now you can tell her that without you being first, reconciliation will never work. Divorce is still on.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Dear HBT,

I agree with Diana; your wife has shown no remorse or empathy nor has she shown a desire to reconcile. She is only in survival mode and you must understand her motives. Move forward with the divorce, and file the paperwork. You can change your mind in the future if you see a positive shift in her character. I believe you must expose her and the AP partner to everyone.

Best,
Dreamer


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

The OM was the guy she was banging and giving all her emotional energy to. You were her plan B, the poor schmuck at home supporting her and her kids. What a life! 

Except, now you aren't. You can guess what's next. A huge attempt to Hoover you back in.

I'd go ahead and file for D. 

Tell her you filed and that she has got until the divorce is finalized to change your mind, but that in your opinion there are millions of women out there that won't lie or cheat on you, so she is pretty much at the end list right now...


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I would tell her the following:

“You are still lying and hiding details about what you did to destroy our M in the first place.....What the h*ll is there to talk about? I refuse to live with a liar and betrayer.”


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

hangingbythreads. said:


> Need some help. After telling her that I want to get divorce, she is saying that she wants to try to reconcile and has been saying to give her another chance! Need advice to keep me from falling into trick and make her understand “Too Late”


Let's review your posts:

"Married over 20 years - 3 children - 2 sons out-of-town at college - daughter at home has 1+ years of high school

Wife has been acting suspiciously for couple of months - always on phone "with sister", but unlike, past would refuse to lend me her phone if my cell died. A month ago, I overheard her talking to her sister (who is in a long process of getting divorced) and my wife told her that the affair is over and that wife hoped her replying email/text to his dumping her 'sounded lady-like enough' WTF! Wife was genuinely upset about getting dumped after 2 weeks! "

"On Friday afternoon, I tracked her car to a hotel - I drove there and took pictures of her car there (not at her office in another town) - hour or so later she calls me (I record that conversation) and she says she is leaving her office (more lies) and heading home.
Friday night, (not as calmly as I would have liked), I confronted her and told her I know she was a hotel and was cheating on me - she admitted to it (partially - claims not to having sex with him - told her that was BS) I haven't done alot more questioning about affair - not sure I want to know.

Other info: I believe her friend who is separated from her husband, set my wife up on dating website - hence I'm not allowed to see her phone - she has changed password and hides it while she is in shower. On Friday, after this confrontation, she had this friend and her new boyfriend pick her up to go to her friend's apartment -- I believe friend showed her how to (temporarily?) delete the app and emails - I admit to being totally out of loop on these sites - I never had cheated, nor would I."

"b) My health - 3 years ago, I had a tumor removed from my body - I get scan every 6 months to see if cancer has returned. No one knows how long they have but my condition is like a Sword of Damocles (this is hard to type --> If I die, it will cause my kids so much pain, I'm worried about causing them more pain by divorcing my wife."

"She claims she didn't go one website to meet the OM and that friend didn't set up account for her - I'm not sure any of this is true. She claims to have met him at a meeting downtown - doesn't help me either way but I'm thinking if she is not on website it might be better (of course she is thinking this is a "better" thing to say - I'm not totally stupid) )"

"This morning, she calls me and is yelling "how could I track her car - she didn't set up Link" - I basically hang up on her (I was listening to business conference call). I text her back after the meeting is done and tell her that she cannot yell at me anymore and if she cannot speak to me with respect then don't call me. Told her that if she doesn't show remorse for her affair then we're done.
She calls me and is calmed down - I tell her I will not allow her to yell at me. She agrees (I know she can be lying but I need to say it anyways) - I tell her she should stop worrying about my tracking her and worry about her trying to regain my trust. I tell her if she is not going to try then I won't waste my time in trying to R and just move to divorce. I tell her I need to NOT be stressed by her and I need to try to maintain my health. She says she is sorry and will try to regain my trust (I know this could be another lie)."

In summary. Your wife is on a dating app looking for hookups while you battle cancer. "Friend" teaching her how to cheat on with said apps. You catch her in a hotel and in a lie afterwards and of course she claims they did not have sex. Right - people married to other people visit hotels to watch the Simpsons. She claims she did not use dating app to meet affair partner -like that is suppose to make a difference. She gets angry when you monitor her. Because you have reasons to trust her. 

So, she now months later still will not admit to who the affair partner is and wants to reconcile.

hangingbythreads: Don't tell her you want a divorce. Just file. You owe her zero explanation or even the word sorry in any way, shape or form. She has no remorse. Only a very special type of person would have an affair on someone battling cancer and show no remorse. She pretty much decided she deserved a head start starting a new life before you were even a corpse. Call it what it is. Now she is waiting a few more years until the youngest goes to university. Meanwhile you can babysit the youngest wile she sneaks off to play. 

This is someone you want out of your married life as quickly as possible. Dump her. Fast.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

["Need some help. After telling her that I want to get divorce, she is saying that she wants to try to reconcile and has been saying to give her another chance! Need advice to keep me from falling into trick and make her understand “Too Late”"]


---You are the Plan B. Until a better one comes along. The OM's, they're just human dildos. But she only looks to you as a beta provider and weak man.


Just keep reminding that she used the F-ing word "TRY". Not do. Chances are a risk not worth taking here.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

To quote a great philosopher

Do or do not
There is no try


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Tell her you'll work on reconciliation after the divorce is final--that you need to reboot the marriage because the old one is broken. Tell her this just to get her to play nice. I normally would not recommend deceitful behavior, but she's earned it. After the divorce, dump your ex and start dating beautiful women who understand what marriage is.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

From what you post reconciliation would be a more uphill battle than most r’s. There is one word I have probably used too many times on this site and the is consequences. Your WW needs to reap what she has sown as divorce in my opinion is your best option to show her you mean business and you are not going to put up with her **** no longer. This is no way to live. Get your self respect back. Tell her there my be a chance of r after a year or two if she gets her act together. Set conditions, no GNO, no toxic friend, no toxic sister. 

Keep applying the 180. There are lots of women out there who would love to have a faithful companion.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I have been married over 40 years.

If my wife had done what your's did, she would be out so fast it would make her head spin.

Adultery is the line in the sand for me. Cross it and she is gone.

Separate yourself from her financially. Ask the lawyer how to do this. Change the beneficiary or any insurances to your children immediately.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Tell her that because she has played this game a few times already, and each time she was faking, you will continue towards divorce, but if she can show you BY HER ACTIONS that she has truly changed her ways, you will consider stopping the divorce. By doing it so often in the past months, it's turned into "the boy who called wolf." Even if true now, how would you be able to believe it? Only strong actions, over an extended period of time. She can probably fake humility for a week or two, but not beyond that.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I will parrot what lonely husband said, this is her treating you with the ultimate in disrespect. You did absolutely nothing to make her **** another guy. Now, show both of them who is boss. She gets served divorce papers. If you live in an area that has "at fault" divorce, then you file for infidelity. If not then you find a shark lawyer and do whatever is necessary to get your balls. There is a period between filing and decree final. You can watch her carefully to see if you even want her. You can do much better than a lying cheating basket case.

Get hold of the OMS, let her know what her husband was up to with your wife. As far as the friend that listed her on a dating site? A dirty word or two should be had with this lowlife. As far as anything else, let your lawyer do the talking. You were massively disrespected and people need to pay for this.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Another thread that's mucked up tech wise.

What a shock!


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## hangingbythreads. (Mar 11, 2018)

Question: When do you take off your wedding ring? Do you wait until divorce is final? I wonder if my wife would even notice.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

If you consider the marriage dead, take it off

And does it really matter if she notices?


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

What has been the status of your marriage over the last two weeks?

Do you still want to get divorced? Is her affair, the fact that she let another guy inside of her, still a dealbreaker for you?

Does she still say what has been the status of your marriage over the last two weeks?

Do you still want to get divorced? Is her affair, the fact that she let another guy inside of her, still a dealbreaker for you?

Does she still say that she wants to reconcile?

Remember, this is all about what is in your best interest!

Is it possible that she only wants you back now that she knows that she’s about to lose you?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

hangingbythreads. said:


> Question: When do you take off your wedding ring? Do you wait until divorce is final? I wonder if my wife would even notice.


My EW took her's off for good last November, 2 months before the divorce process even started and 9 months before the divorce was final earlier this month. 

I kept mine on until the final judgement, when I walked out of the courthouse. It was a personal decision. Even though she gave up being my wife even before she took off the ring, I held my vows and promise before God as still sacred. Again, personal decision.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> Here's the way I see it. If a person is remorseful, it automatically show. It you have to tell them to show remorse, its an act. Moreover, a remorseful person tows the mark and walks the line.


This is 100% correct, @hangingbythreads.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

hangingbythreads. said:


> Question: When do you take off your wedding ring? Do you wait until divorce is final? I wonder if my wife would even notice.


It’s a personal decision.

That said, it sounds like you’re hung up primarily on whether or not your wife would even notice, which means you need to work on detaching even further.

To that end, re-read the 180 and redouble your efforts to more fully implement it.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

hangingbythreads. said:


> Question: When do you take off your wedding ring? Do you wait until divorce is final? I wonder if my wife would even notice.





What reaction are you hoping to get? 
Are you hoping it will change her?
Do you think she will come running back? 
Do you think she will find remorse? 

Serious questions, wearing or not wearing the ring isn’t your issue. I don’t wear mine, multiple reasons, but the single biggest reason is the ring was a symbol of HER vows. Those were broken by her, not me, so I see the ring as worthless metal. How much value are you placing in that ring you wear? Sounds to me like to much value, of course you can give it back to your wife, I did. I told my wife the ring is hollow in the center, much like her vows were hollow.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Pawn the ring.


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