# Exhausted and Overworked



## officiallyjasmine (Nov 11, 2012)

Need a few brains to help tease this all out.:scratchhead:

Married at 24, now 37. Three kids along the way.

I've completed four graduate degrees including my Doctorate.

Husband never was the sole breadwinner. We (family and I) just made him feel like he was.

We've supplemented with retirement incomes, cashed out cd's, borrowing lots of money from family, and student loans.

We - no - I have a mortgage, car notes, monthly expenditures, and no savings.

We volunteer at the children's schools, in their classrooms, special projects.

I get 2-3 hours sleep each night after driving 200 miles a day to and from work, cleaning the house, preparing dinner and lunches, washing clothes, walking the dog, and all other miscellaneous stuff mommies must remember.

I wash my own car, and beg for the lawn to be mowed or vents to be changed. 

We stopped having sex 6 months ago. I sleep in the guest room and he sleeps in the master.

He does not help pay "one" bill.
He demeans me in front of the kids because he thinks I'm emasculating him by reminding him that I pay all the bills.
Emasculation = "Are you serious? You ate all of the kid’s snacks for the week? You couldn't wash the dishes and you've been home all day? Please do not throw your clothing on the floor when there are laundry baskets."

He works but all of his money is being garnished by the IRS ("Its April 15 did u mail n ur taxes?" "No, I'll do it next week) = Penalties. Same for state and three children prior to our marriage = child support. He brings in $82 a week. He says is his hard earned $. 

He undermines my parenting the children. "Don't place your elbows on the table" Leave them alone. Stop being stoosh. "Even though you kids have a 3 day break, still study read 10 pages of your library book and write a one paragraph summary. "Leave them alone, you always want someone to be working. Just because all u do is work. U r nothing but a paycheck around here. U don't see what they do. Leave them alone. You guys want to relax right? Kids = 'Yes we want to relax.' 

He has no where to go. No money. No family. He highlights that n front of the kids. "U'r mother wants me to sleep in the car. She moved me to the middle of no where and I have nothing."

I work 2 "nice title" jobs and looking for a third. No more family help, no more student loans, no more CD's, just me and bills.
No help from husband.. I'm always really strong for everyone but really exhausted and overworked within.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

1. Divorce (Split debts equitably.)
2. Bankruptcy
3. Apartment near work with kids.
4. Rest, relaxation, having control of your life once more.
5. Therapy. Why did you do that to yourself for so long? Abusing oneself by proxy (husband.)


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## officiallyjasmine (Nov 11, 2012)

Divorce - yes, bankruptcy - no I have good credit, apartment not really as my kids are connected with our town and I have a really nice home, rest and relaxation It would take months, and therapy well I just keep pushing through.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

officiallyjasmine said:


> Divorce - yes, bankruptcy - no I have good credit, apartment not really as my kids are connected with our town and I have a really nice home, rest and relaxation It would take months, and therapy well I just keep pushing through.


Nice excuses. Why don't you talk to your kids and see what they think instead of thinking for them. Look at what your thinking has done for you, it's not an impressive track record. Bankruptcy will be the kind thing to do for yourself, unless you can pay off your bills/debts within a couple years. What are you and your kids too good to live in an apartment and be bankrupt? Your home can not be all that nice if you owe on it. If you're in debt, it's not your home, it's a luxury coffin.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

When are his taxes paid off
Obviously, until that is done, nothing much is going to change financially. That cannot be undone.

You could take a hard look at everything. Buy a smaller home, sell vehicles, do what you can to eliminate debt. The choices made in the past were made by BOTH of you. Choices to borrow money to have things or make ends meet. It happens to a lot of people. Just how things turned out. 

If you did not have the financial problems you have now... would you say you would be happier with your life....


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## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

This story really resonates with me as I'm the child of the kind of marriage you described.

My mom works and brings home the majority of the income in their household. She does all the cooking and cleaning. My dad is extremely manipulative. He always demeans my mom in front of my little sister (who still lives at home). Personally, I consider what he's doing emotional abuse. It's really sad to see my mom put up with this crap year after year.

As a child growing up in this type of household, I was definitely negative impacted by this. I love my mom, but I sometimes feel a deep rooted negativity towards her because of my dad's influence over the years. It breaks my heart to see my little sister belittle my mom because of his emotional manipulation. 

Please don't let this be you! Run from this toxic relationship.


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## trying_to_rejuvenate (Aug 21, 2012)

It feels like me except I am a guy. I may be wrong about this factually and legally but this is my understanding:

- as the provider of the family I/you are the one to lose in case of divorce as you have to pay the alimony and monthly expenses for the other
- The spouse fully knows its a win win situation because if divorced they get all the goodies and can live without us (cause of the relief from the negativity of the relationship) and the money they will get from us
- They have a "I dont care" attitude towards us and the family
- they take refuge in negativity all the time due to their nature
- they are plain lazy
- they do not want to improve the relationship due to their "I dont care attitude" and are having all the fun anyways without it
- Their willingness to escalate any discussion for improvement into a quarrel as they benefit by it - quarrelling tends towards divorce and consequently towards their benefits
Me thinks:
- dump your overcaring attitude and lose your job and stay easy, then they will be forced to learn the respect when they are no longer in their comfort zone with all the material comforts possibly without good food and electricity ... 
- sell off the TV so that they are forced to think instead of sitting in front of the tv
- if you lose your job then they lose their future alimony/monthly payments as well so that brings them out of their comfort zone

My situation is complicated because I care not only for my family but at this crucial juncture if I have to take care of my parents one of whom is terminally sick and in a geographically distant location. Apparently this compulsion is her strong point in her favour since if I give the tough treatment she can chose to go away and I will lose my parents (old age and terminal illness) and also lose my children at the same time I will have to shell out all the money for her.... A legal battle is the last thing I would want at this moment.
I love her still and living on hope... but slowly trying to make her realise the importance of reciprocating love in our relationship.

I do however plan to lose my job to make her come out of the comfort zone.... but still I am living in uncertainty... (read my post in this forum) The other thing is that the government here is willing to provide the minimum which might keep her happy but make her come out of her laziness as then she will have to work.

Other complication is her parents who blindly support her.

Right now things r just reasonable for me however her attitude of willful escalation over anything makes it difficult for me to make her see reason.

Hope I have not been very cryptic?


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## trying_to_rejuvenate (Aug 21, 2012)

How Emotionally Abusive Women Control You: The Fear of Loss and the Need for Approval « A Shrink for Men

This article is fantastic. I am trying a little modified approach of carrot (my benefits) and a little stick (losing my dependence on her either by sex or her approval)


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## trying_to_rejuvenate (Aug 21, 2012)

10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully « A Shrink for Men

Very good I am so identifying with these articles now. However I will still try the carrot and stick approach. You have to get into the mind of the spouse.

Remove all your need of approval and all your dependence on her... if they do not change ..... u have your answer  but Christ if only it was so easy... but yet it is so simple ... just needs the determination .... I am having an epiphany again


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## luvintokyo (May 10, 2010)

Please leave, they dont get any better, leave while you still have the energy to recoup. He will only wake up after you leave, you became a co dependent to financially abusive man unconsciously. Look up financial infidelity. They develop a sense of entitlement to your income that even you dont have.


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## ZimaBlue (Sep 30, 2012)

officiallyjasmine said:


> Need a few brains to help tease this all out.:scratchhead:
> 
> Married at 24, now 37. Three kids along the way.
> 
> ...


Good God! Why are you still with this lazy bone idle nasty vile man? Get the money and finances sorted and leave. If anything, it must be affecting your kids in such a negative way and will affect the relationships they have with money, working for a living and goodness knows what else. 

You are also working too hard, but there is just a little hint of the martyr about you - and the gatekeeper complex (whatever he does, it won't be good enough).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did you complete four graduate degrees including a Doctorate while you were married, had children and worked to support your family?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He is lazy, emotionally abusive/manipulative, and neglectful. Leave him to his own devices for a trial separation and maybe he will learn to appreciate what he's got. Why have you stayed with him? Do you love him? Have y'all tried counseling yet?


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