# Confused and Unsure



## BrittM (5 mo ago)

My husband and I have been together 16 years and have 1 beautiful kid. As many couples, we have had many ups and downs, but recently, it has seem more unbearable. We have both discussed how we are unhappy - his main complaint I am not intimate enough and mine is that he does not contribute to the family as much as he could, monetarily or just basic household needs. I was never super affectionate person, but my level of intimacy surely has changed when my husband cheated on me 8 years ago. While I have forgiven him, I believe it still haunts me and prevents me from achieving that level of intimacy I once had. However, my husband claims I should be having sex 3 times a week, masterbates every.single.day, and when I do try to show some affection and intimacy, he says its not enough. 

Recently we had a big blow out, because he wants to bring another woman into the picture for sex only, and I am not agreeable. Because of this, he wants to leave. I finally told him I was unhappy as well, for the amount of time I put in, the sometimes 2 jobs I work when he refuses to work more than part-time, and not helping me with our kid and home, I feel like I have given all I can. We have gone through therapy, did a minor separation in the past, but the same issues keep coming up. I would think we would be ok, and then he would blow up at me again that I am not affectionate and showing what he needs. We went 2 weeks without talking, touching, saying I love you, nothing. Finally I agreed, we need to go our separate ways. I don't know what else to do, but I know this isn't healthy and while I know financially it will be stressful, it needs to be done. I believed we were in agreement, but when I talk about him finding a place, he comes back and says "well, this isn't what i wanted right now", "I still want to spend time with you"... I think the financial situation and realizing all I do for him finally hit him. But now, I don't know what to do. 

I love him, very much, but love isn't enough when we keep arguing on the same 2 points (sex & money). So at this point, while still sleeping in the same bed, we are basically roommates. I have stopped offering him money for gas or to take my car (which leaves me with limited gas for work, school, etc), stopped the extras I do for him like bringing him lunch during my lunch time, taking care of his car, buying all the electronics for his voice acting (my top love languages are acts of service, quality time, gift giving...his is physical touch & word of affirmation (my bottoms)), and trying to learn on focusing on me during this time. I realized I have given too much of myself to my husband and kid, and perhaps this has lead to a level of resentment I take out by not showing affection??? 

I am kinda of just rambling because in fact, I am so confused and unsure on what I need to do. Do I work on trying to fix the relationship or do I just need to realize it cannot be fixed it? I have tried ways to find my intimacy with him. I do find my husband attractive, but just getting in the mood is like hardest thing possible. I have done therapy, medicine, tried to do scheduled sex days, and when I am intimate with him, its amazing. But then it be a few weeks before I was feeling ready to be intimate again. So I know I have things I gotta work on. I feel like he is going through this college phase that he missed out on, but I also think he wants his cake and eat it too - me the dominate female holding it down but he can have his side piece for his sexual needs, but that's not fair to me. I'd rather be alone then wondering who my man is ****ing that night while I come home from work, cook, clean, take care of the kids... its a lot to unpack.


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## May16 (5 mo ago)

Honestly, me being so pro marriage… I would just leave. 

I would want to see your husband‘s reaction if you wanted another man too…


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

That sounds so awful. Just leave. You will be a lot happier.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Him mentioning sex woman? He’s already cheating. Leave. Love someone better than a mean sex addicted bum.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The three points that would make me leave are 1) he cheated2)he wants to have sex with someone else and maybe already has and 3)he cant be bothered to work full time despite him not helping with childcare or keeping the home going. 
You may have to start the process by serving him divorce papers.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

BrittM said:


> My husband and I have been together 16 years and have 1 beautiful kid. As many couples, we have had many ups and downs, but recently, it has seem more unbearable. We have both discussed how we are unhappy - his main complaint I am not intimate enough and mine is that he does not contribute to the family as much as he could, monetarily or just basic household needs. I was never super affectionate person, but my level of intimacy surely has changed when my husband cheated on me 8 years ago. While I have forgiven him, I believe it still haunts me and prevents me from achieving that level of intimacy I once had. However, my husband claims I should be having sex 3 times a week, masterbates every.single.day, and when I do try to show some affection and intimacy, he says its not enough.
> 
> Recently we had a big blow out, because he wants to bring another woman into the picture for sex only, and I am not agreeable. Because of this, he wants to leave. I finally told him I was unhappy as well, for the amount of time I put in, the sometimes 2 jobs I work when he refuses to work more than part-time, and not helping me with our kid and home, I feel like I have given all I can. We have gone through therapy, did a minor separation in the past, but the same issues keep coming up. I would think we would be ok, and then he would blow up at me again that I am not affectionate and showing what he needs. We went 2 weeks without talking, touching, saying I love you, nothing. Finally I agreed, we need to go our separate ways. I don't know what else to do, but I know this isn't healthy and while I know financially it will be stressful, it needs to be done. I believed we were in agreement, but when I talk about him finding a place, he comes back and says "well, this isn't what i wanted right now", "I still want to spend time with you"... I think the financial situation and realizing all I do for him finally hit him. But now, I don't know what to do.
> 
> ...


There are plenty of posters who are going to validate your disinterest in sex with your husband, but that's not going to be me.

First of all, you paint a pretty bad picture of him as a husband, so I'm not sure why you say you love him "very much"...what exactly do you love about him?

Also, I find it interesting that you are complaining that he doesn't meet your financial/support needs in the marriage...however, you have no real interest in meeting his sexual needs. It sounds to me like YOU also want to have your cake and eat it too.

Marriage is primarily a SEXUAL relationship. Most people don't get married to someone they don't want sex with...most people only promise monogamy to someone because they believe they will be having sex with them, not to give up having sex at all. So you don't want to give him the sex he wants, but you want him to be monogamous to you. WHY??? If you don't want sex with him, why do you care if he has it with someone else? You say it's not fair to you, but are you being fair to him, expecting him to never have his sexual needs met?

I believe you should end your marriage and set both of you free from the expectations of the other. You shouldn't have to have sex when you don't want to, and he shouldn't have to give up sex if he doesn't want to. 
I don't see any happiness in your future as a couple.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

BrittM said:


> *.....but my level of intimacy surely has changed when my husband cheated on me 8 years ago. While I have forgiven him, I believe it still haunts me and prevents me from achieving that level of intimacy I once had. However, my husband claims I should be having sex 3 times a week, masterbates every.single.day, and when I do try to show some affection and intimacy, he says its not enough. *


I can see why you're having such a hard time letting THIS prize go.

*



Recently we had a big blow out, because he wants to bring another woman into the picture for sex only, and I am not agreeable. Because of this, he wants to leave.

Click to expand...

*Damn - there's your opportunity to RUN like the wind and not look back! This pig lives for his genitals. How charming.

So in short, the parasite works a part-time job and lets YOU do the bulk of supporting the family, yet he thinks he's too damned good to do his share around the house. When he's not at his part-time job (let me guess - Home Depot? Wendy's? Pizza delivery?) he's probably masturbating to porn or trying to have cam sex with anyone stupid enough to waste their time with him, and you're actually wondering whether dumping this POS is the way to go?

All you've been is a damned servant to this loser.

Right now, the *only* thing you need to "work on" is finding your self-respect and getting to a divorce lawyer.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> Marriage is primarily a SEXUAL relationship.


With a second woman in the marriage? How would you feel if your husband wanted to introduce another woman into your marriage? Would you feel excited or repulsed? And what if your husband contributed very little financially and didn't help at home? How would you feel about that? Thrilled or disappointed?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Yes, curious as to what he would say if you said you wanted another man too? The response would tell you volumes.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

BrittM said:


> My husband and I have been together 16 years and have 1 beautiful kid. As many couples, we have had many ups and downs, but recently, it has seem more unbearable. We have both discussed how we are unhappy - his main complaint I am not intimate enough and mine is that he does not contribute to the family as much as he could, monetarily or just basic household needs. I was never super affectionate person, but my level of intimacy surely has changed when my husband cheated on me 8 years ago. While I have forgiven him, I believe it still haunts me and prevents me from achieving that level of intimacy I once had. However, my husband claims I should be having sex 3 times a week, masterbates every.single.day, and when I do try to show some affection and intimacy, he says its not enough.
> 
> Recently we had a big blow out, because he wants to bring another woman into the picture for sex only, and I am not agreeable. Because of this, he wants to leave. I finally told him I was unhappy as well, for the amount of time I put in, the sometimes 2 jobs I work when he refuses to work more than part-time, and not helping me with our kid and home, I feel like I have given all I can. We have gone through therapy, did a minor separation in the past, but the same issues keep coming up. I would think we would be ok, and then he would blow up at me again that I am not affectionate and showing what he needs. We went 2 weeks without talking, touching, saying I love you, nothing. Finally I agreed, we need to go our separate ways. I don't know what else to do, but I know this isn't healthy and while I know financially it will be stressful, it needs to be done. I believed we were in agreement, but when I talk about him finding a place, he comes back and says "well, this isn't what i wanted right now", "I still want to spend time with you"... I think the financial situation and realizing all I do for him finally hit him. But now, I don't know what to do.
> 
> ...


I think you should just work on ending this sham of a marriage. LisaDiane is correct about sex being one of the primary reasons to be married. Since you are NOT interested in sex much any more with your H, it's time to move on IMHO.

You sound like my wife. For 40 odd years she had every excuse as to why sex was not her cup of tea. It was excuse after excuse, and as one problem was resolved, she'd find another one to add to her list.

The difference with me was that I never cheated. I worked my ass off to provide for my family taking on extra work to earn overtime pay. I also tried my best to help out with our kids and did my share of housework and maintenance around the house. I helped out my in-laws at every turn as well.

I am a twice a day sex kind of guy, and still am at age 67. If your H is like me, he should not be forced to rely on daily masturbation like I was and still am. I stayed in my marriage way too long! 

Now, given that you are dissatisfied with your lazy cheating husband, and find it difficult to have regular sex with him, why are you confused and unsure? You need to set him free to find sex with someone else as he has expressed to you. You need to find yourself a new man that matches your low desire for sex and is a much better provider.

It should be crystal clear to you what you need to do. JMHO.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ah_sorandy said:


> I think you should just work on ending this sham of a marriage. LisaDiane is correct about sex being one of the primary reasons to be married. Since you are NOT interested in sex much any more with your H, it's time to move on IMHO.
> 
> You sound like my wife. For 40 odd years she had every excuse as to why sex was not her cup of tea. It was excuse after excuse, and as one problem was resolved, she'd find another one to add to her list.
> 
> ...


It must be very hard to ever enjoy intimacy again after a spouse has cheated, especially as he now wants to cheat again. Plus he is lazy and not providing for or helping to care for his family.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> It must be very hard to ever enjoy intimacy again after a spouse has cheated, especially as he now wants to cheat again. Plus he is lazy and not providing for or helping to care for his family.


Absolutely. To be honest, I'm surprised that the cheating, the suggested threesomes and the lack of support - financially and with the kids - are completely disregarded here. Not very conducive to jumping into bed with your husband. The OP should do the honest thing and divorce him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you both should move on.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I think dud e would be a bit sympathetic gad he not cheated or worked full time. Nothing to like about a cheating slacker wanting to bang someone not his wife. He’s a turd.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

How old is the child?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BrittM said:


> My husband and I have been together 16 years and have 1 beautiful kid. As many couples, we have had many ups and downs, but recently, it has seem more unbearable. We have both discussed how we are unhappy - his main complaint I am not intimate enough and mine is that he does not contribute to the family as much as he could, monetarily or just basic household needs. I was never super affectionate person, but my level of intimacy surely has changed when my husband cheated on me 8 years ago. While I have forgiven him, I believe it still haunts me and prevents me from achieving that level of intimacy I once had. However, my husband claims I should be having sex 3 times a week, masterbates every.single.day, and when I do try to show some affection and intimacy, he says its not enough.
> 
> Recently we had a big blow out, because he wants to bring another woman into the picture for sex only, and I am not agreeable. Because of this, he wants to leave. I finally told him I was unhappy as well, for the amount of time I put in, the sometimes 2 jobs I work when he refuses to work more than part-time, and not helping me with our kid and home, I feel like I have given all I can. We have gone through therapy, did a minor separation in the past, but the same issues keep coming up. I would think we would be ok, and then he would blow up at me again that I am not affectionate and showing what he needs. We went 2 weeks without talking, touching, saying I love you, nothing. Finally I agreed, we need to go our separate ways. I don't know what else to do, but I know this isn't healthy and while I know financially it will be stressful, it needs to be done. I believed we were in agreement, but when I talk about him finding a place, he comes back and says "well, this isn't what i wanted right now", "I still want to spend time with you"... I think the financial situation and realizing all I do for him finally hit him. But now, I don't know what to do.
> 
> ...


What he meant is he doesn't want to do what it takes for himself to move out on his own and wants to let you carry the load while he dates. I don't think so. 

He started this ball rolling, but since it's you with any money, it's you who is going to have to go to a family attorney and get this thing rolling to its conclusion. This is no way to live. He sounds awful. He cheated and he wants to cheat right now. He's not carrying his share. He's not a good husband and he's a sex nag. 

Make an appointment with an attorney and find out where to start. Good luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get out now and save yourself first. If you don’t do that you won’t be able to save your child or anyone.


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## BrittM (5 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> There are plenty of posters who are going to validate your disinterest in sex with your husband, but that's not going to be me.
> 
> First of all, you paint a pretty bad picture of him as a husband, so I'm not sure why you say you love him "very much"...what exactly do you love about him?
> 
> ...


I very much appreciate your response. I never thought I wanted my cake and eat it too. Its unfair to both of us. I am def not saying I am not at fault, and it does appear I am just blaming him - which is not true. I am totally 50% at fault. I am not looking to find a new sexual partner, I am in need of a partner in other aspects - like helping t I have attempted to meet his sexual desire - but when I try and he tells me he wants it 4 times a week, i just feel like its never enough when I do try. I do understand that marriage is a sexual relationship and its not like I am NOT having sex with him, just not having as much as he would like. I never said I didn't want sex with him, just that it is harder for me to get in that intimacy mood when he wants it (which is every day). I know that its not fair to him as well - which is why I am agreeable to the separation. And I do love him very much - but I think that love has now develop more as friend and less as lovers.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

BrittM said:


> I very much appreciate your response. I never thought I wanted my cake and eat it too. Its unfair to both of us. I am def not saying I am not at fault, and it does appear I am just blaming him - which is not true. I am totally 50% at fault. I am not looking to find a new sexual partner, I am in need of a partner in other aspects - like helping t I have attempted to meet his sexual desire - but when I try and he tells me he wants it 4 times a week, i just feel like its never enough when I do try. I do understand that marriage is a sexual relationship and its not like I am NOT having sex with him, just not having as much as he would like. I never said I didn't want sex with him, just that it is harder for me to get in that intimacy mood when he wants it (which is every day). I know that its not fair to him as well - which is why I am agreeable to the separation. And I do love him very much - but I think that love has now develop more as friend and less as lovers.


Well, you sound like you are being very honest with yourself about your feelings and needs and about his, and I would say that you've thought everything out pretty well. So you should be confident that you are doing the right thing for all of you.

Just so you know, I wasn't saying he was a great husband either, I never would have forgiven his cheating!! So I could understand your disconnection from him. But I can also understand his frustration and asking to have an open marriage so he can find someone to meet his sexual needs, because I left my husband because he wouldn't meet my sexual needs. 

I think you've made the right decision, and I hope it all works out for you for the best!


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