# Double standard..pet peeve. Need advice for counseling



## dentalgirl

My spouse doesnt want to do any marriage counseling..says he is not paying some stranger to tell us how to live.. I explained all i could how it was more for fighting fair...unbiased opinion. someone trained and educated in that area...ect.. But recently during an argument, he says "that is why everyone thinks im crazy for the situation im in with you and kids". Obviously, i was livid.. when he saw how i freaked out and wanted to know who he was speaking to about our private life and my kids.. (who by the way are 19 and 24 and hardly ever around)... he wouldnt tell me.. said it was "his business".. when i wouldnt let it go..he finally said it was his father. (a man whom was never a father role model for him and never discribed by him as a wise or fair person). Well, so I dont really believe it was him.. more like some guy or girl at the office. I told him that family and friends always agree with you even if you are wrong. When I told him that I didnt feel his father would give advice or comments on just one side of an argument (dad being a retired attorney). He made it very clear that if i were to call his father and involve him in our fight, (as if he didnt already) that it was over.. 
I have a real problem with "do as i say not as i do". i dont like the double standard thing. If we cant seek professional help then i dont feel throwing your spouse under the bus..(metaphorically of course) is appropriate. In a lot of ways we are really good together and everyone fights, i know that, But i feel with the right tools (ie education and impartial listeners) that we wouldnt repeat stupid fights over and over and most of the ones we have wouldnt escilate to the level they have. I dropped my phone a couple of days ago, and when i asked him to use his to call the office... he didnt actually give it to me for a while... When i went to make call, the screen was defaulted to the ALL CALLS AND MESSAGES ERASED screen. So Im worried that the "person" he is confiding in is some woman at his work. Oh by the way.. that is where I met him.. at work.. he fired me so he could go on dating me.. (We used to laugh about that as now Im in dental which is my true calling and passion) I want this to work but knowing now he is willing to share our business out there to God knows who... how do i get him to reconsider the counseling thing.?


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## BaBa

You appear to have 2 challenges - one is the mysterious other person, and then the refusal to participate in counseling. 
You may want to ask him what his vision of improvement is and how he plans to get you both there. Meanwhile you may want to establish "fighting time" for example - Mon/ Wed/ Friday between 5 - 6 PM only. Just something that helps establish self restraint.


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## Ninja1980

This sounds so familiar to me. Except for me it's no mystery who the confidant is (I don't know if it's better to know or not...). At any rate, I asked H to consider counseling, despite his protestations simply because I wasn't sure where else we could go from here by ourselves. I told him straight up, "I don't know what else to do." He has reluctantly agreed to "give it a shot," and we have our first appt tomorrow. I think part of his reluctance was that he was afraid the counselor would make it all out to be his fault. When I talked to her on the phone to make our appt, I relayed that and she said the relationship is her client, not me or him, so she works to serve the relationship and not choose sides - that seemed to make him feel a lot better. Maybe that's part of what your H is worried about?

I also agree with BaBa about asking what he suggests instead - I did the same thing, and all I got was a shrug. :awink: I think when he realized he had no other ideas, either, counseling maybe didn't seem so bad. 

Good luck! And I think you should maybe look into going just for yourself, even if he won't go with you. At least you'd have someone to talk things over with impartially. Someone gave me some great advice on one of my threads: you can only be in charge of what YOU do; how he acts is up to him. (I'm paraphrasing.) (((HUGS)))


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