# So very tired



## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

I've posted at length about the circumstances of my marriage that have led me here. Basically huge financial infidelity on my part. I have control issues, co-dependent, all that. I admit it. My husband came to me in February wanted to swing. I foolishly agreed as yet another way to try to make him happy and content. That was stupid and it broke me. The mere suggestion that my husband is okay with us having sex with other people and does not consider it adultery or cheating in any way as long as the other knows about it shattered something inside me. I always thought we had the same values in that arena and I was wrong for 20+ years. I feel tremendous guilt over all I did in it. I started seeing a therapist to try to deal with all of it and thought I was making some pretty good progress. I asked him for some space to figure out how I needed to proceed and to heal my heart. His idea of giving me space is only talking to me for half of my drive to work instead of all of it. He travels and came back home from an extended trip this week. I can't have sex with him. I just can't, but he has tried every day even after I told him a week ago that I did not think we could get through this and needed to start working through that. He claims he was blindsided and deserves a chance to fix it. Claims to be committed to doing whatever he needs to to make it work. Apparently, that means doing everything except giving me the room I asked for. Limits and communication have always been an issue in that he doesn't understand limits and I am not good and communicating them. He's not ever really been told no and had it stick. Now that I am trying to set them, I don't think he knows how to react. I am very deeply troubled by the fact that I see all of this as immoral, financial and sexual, that I have had to work to forgive myself for and ask my God to forgive me for. He sees no moral issue and has no guilt. Says we talked about it and said we wouldn't let it affect us. That's perfectly fine on paper, but reality is something else. It did affect me and our marriage. I don't want to try to make him feel guilty. He believes what he believes, and that's okay. It's just too big a moral divide for me to bridge. He will stop sleeping with other people, I have no doubt about that, but the knowledge that he does not see it as a violation of our vows is still there. It really is just more of an overall pattern of behavior on both our parts. I am exhausted. My heart and soul are just so tired.

Last night, he tried again and I asked to just please not. That led to him demanding to know if it was over and I said it very likely is. He was very hurt and angry. I know I am a lot farther along in the grief process than he is with this. He says I dropped it in his lap a week ago. I tried over and over again to explain but I don't think I got anywhere. He said he wouldn't leave and that if I wanted to proceed with divorce, he would make it as difficult as possible, that it would not be as easy as I think. I have NEVER thought this would be easy. We have children and a business and it's all kinds of complicated. One of the things I have struggled with the most is that I was going to have to hurt him and thinks he can't live without me and loves me more than anything. I go over the devastation this will wreak on our families in my head every d*** day. I know how much it hurt him so I listened to hours of my every sin and fault be enumerated and how this is all because of my need to control and how I hid the money problems and have wrecked him so he will not allow me to get off scott free while he is miserable. How I am going to destroy our children and put his mother in an early grave. How I know he can't hold the business down without me and I just want to leave him with a sinking ship. How I suck as business. How I was the first to sleep with someone else (at his request) so he is the more injured party and that I will have to take care of him for the rest of his life because I make more money and he needs to be kept in the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed. How going to therapy could be used against me to keep me from having primary custody of my kids. That I was thinking of no one but myself and being selfish, etc. He needed to get it out.

My intent with all of this was to never leave him with a mess. I was willing to stay through our busy season and help get things in order and pay off some debt so he would be in a better place. I was willing to outright give him the business and property it's on which is worth 40% more that our home. Help him with health insurance. All I wanted was my house. I have spoken with an attorney and it is very unlikely that he would actually get the alimony he thinks he will since he has a job. I may have to pay some to him in child support if we did 50/50. I am completely fine with that. Their well-being is paramount. You have to ask for alimony in our state, and if you do, the cause of the divorce can be used in that decision. I guess now I am trying to reconcile my emotions and thoughts about this man who claims to love me over the moon for now and forever but basically threatened to trash me and try to take my children if I don't "let it go cause we're even now." Maybe I just needed to vent. I know there is no quick answer. I just so done with all of it. I guess bottom line is I knew there would be tremendous hurt but I did not expect this level of animosity.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is the real him. He’s apparently used to getting his way. And he has no problem threatening to trash you when that doesn’t happen. You will have to be really strong to get out of this but if you do you’ll be amazed at how your life changes for the better.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You place way too much credence in the things he says. You need to get him out of your ears. Ask your attorney if you can leave the house (if leaving is possible for you), or if leaving could make you lose the house.

One thing it doesn't sound like you have thought about is the likelihood that swinging (or rather cheating) was nothing new to him when he brought it up to you. I don't trust men who travel often for work. I believe they ALWAYS cheat because it gives them too much freedom and too much opportunity. With your husband, swinging became a way to do it with your full knowledge and even your participation. And then he laid all the guilt on you. Sounds typical. But if you want the upper hand, find out what he's been doing on these business trips. Get a PI if you have to or at least someone who can hack into his internet accounts. I bet they will discover plenty.


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

I guess bottom line is I knew there would be tremendous hurt but I did not expect this level of animosity.
[/QUOTE]

The animosity is very hard to deal with. I guess it's just easier to view him as a child upset that he is being told no for the first time. Do what you have to for your long term health and wellbeing, he can figure everything else out on his own. And I agree with he other poster, if he travels frequently then he's probably not new to the lifestyle, he's just ready to stop sneaking around


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Farmlady said:


> It's just too big a moral divide for me to bridge.


Your husband is an unbeliever.



WhiskeyVictor said:


> The animosity is very hard to deal with.


1 Corinthians 7:15 (BSB) - the words of Paul the Apostle:

_But if the unbeliever leaves, let him go. The believing brother or sister is not bound in such cases. God has called you to live in peace._

Your husband departed from his marriage when he asked for "swinging". He is an unbeliever. Plain and simple.

I'm going to use an old Christian phrase here .... you need to put your sins "under the blood". God did you a favor. Take it. Accept it, with thanksgiving.

Also, understand that God has never said anything that was not said in faith. He is "not a man, that He should lie".... therefore, take His word that He "called you to live in peace"
as the full statement of Almighty God Himself that you CAN .... if God said you can, then He is ready, willing, and able to provide you with the peace He wants you to have.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

One thing it doesn't sound like you have thought about is the likelihood that swinging (or rather cheating) was nothing new to him when he brought it up to you.

Very possible. 

I dont get this activity. I am one who could get violently evil had i saw another man with my wife. I am greatful the Lord gave me a woman as loyal and adverse to adultry as me.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You need that lawyer more than you need that husband.


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

I appreciate all the input. I have considered the possibility that he had already been doing this and quite frankly, I don't care. I'm past that point now. I am not claiming to be a saint. I have certainly played my part, but at least I am willing to acknowledge and accept that and seek redemption of some sort. He is not. He regrets the results but not the actions that got us here. Since that happened Friday night, he has been just and kind and attentive as he can be even though I have given him no encouragement whatsoever and have even said stop. He continues to try to have sex and says he won't stop trying. I just cannot wrap my mind around it. Why on earth would I want anything to do with him now? I guess he thinks he can just "nice" his way out of it and if we have sex, well that's just the magic bullet that makes everything better. He even denies saying some of what he did. That is a pattern too. I used to think he was not intentionally gaslighting me, but now... We sat in church yesterday and listened to the preacher talk about obedience to God and rebuilding relationships. I thought some of it might get to him, but no. He saw it as a diatribe at me. That I should just forgive and forget. 

At this point, I'm going to finish lining up plans and the chips will just have to fall where they may. He is obviously not capable of accepting any culpability or even admitting he has hurt me. It is all about him. He basically is trying to emotionally and financially blackmail me to stay. I was trying to be nothing but fair and as kind as possible and treat him with more respect than he has shown me. My lawyer is known to be a maneater if she has too, but has also facilitated a good number of amicable divorces. I chose her for a reason. He obviously has forgotten with whom he is dealing. If he is willing to treat the person he has spent over 20 years with and had 2 children with in that manner, he certainly does not deserve to be married to me anymore. I have just never felt such exhaustion. It is all I can do to keep putting one foot in front of the other and carry on every day.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It will be difficult to free yourself but it will definitely be worth it.


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