# Just told I'm being too aggressive...Sheesh!



## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Hey all,

I was told by my bf today that I'm being too sexually aggressive. I'm in my peaking 40's and want him all the freakin' time (he's 38) & noticed that he was not getting into being intimate with me as often or as enthusiastically as he used to so I just asked him what the problem was & he said: 


> sometimes I feel alot of pressure to perform since you make it clear that you are very horny on a daily basis, and that takes a little bit of the fun out of it like there's an expectation that needs to be met. As a man, it's also in my nature to "pursue" you, but when you make it very clear that you're always ready & open for business, I'm less motivated to try because it feels like I don't really have to try. I know I'm very lucky to have such a gorgeous, sexy woman willing to satisfy me on a daily basis and I don't want to take you for granted or not keep you satisfied, but I do feel alot of pressure from you to do so. Sometimes I feel like if I don't keep you satisfied that you might think about looking for some younger buck who's got more energy and sexual drive then I do. I hope that's never the case. I very much enjoy knowing that you desire me, but maybe it's something I need to hear less or not on a daily basis. Then, if I'm wondering if you're hot for me there's only one way for me to find out...


Ugh! I appreciate his candor & will try my best to accomodate his wishes, but I'm a little resentful that he can't just soak up & enjoy the attention, adoration, & plentiful sex I'm offering him, and now I have to curb my desires to satisfy this caveman 'hunt' concept of his & pray that he approaches me more than once or twice a week. 

What advice can you all give me on how to curb my desire for him when he's not in the mood & be this 'challenge' that he's looking for? We spend all our time together after work & I can't imagine sneaking off to mb while he's home watching TV. How do you guys do it?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dang, girl! You are running him ragged 

How often do you, if you don't mind me asking? 

He was pretty honest with you which is awesome. Discuss openly with him about how you feel and then try to come to a compromise on frequency, ec. 

How long have you been together?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

It is hard for me to relate to this considering that I am the initiator in my marriage and my wife is the one who tells me to slow down. I wish that she was chasing me around. 

Perhaps you can do some other stuff instead of intercourse and satisfy both parties. My wife - even though she has been much better lately libido-wise - will take care of me on the nights that she is not in the mood. 

If your boyfriend goes down on you or uses a vibrator on you, would that get you off? And I find it hard to imagine any guy not getting horny while doing this so you might end up getting laid anyway. Just don't start it out with that in mind to let him know that you're trying to adhere to his wishes.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

We do it about 3x a week & I'd be happy with every other day. We've been dating for over a year & are about to move in together in a few weeks, and now I'm having second thoughts, but the lease has already been signed! 

*sigh* Now I'm worried about being stuck with someone who doesnt appreciate me & I can't be my true self with. Why do I have to make all the freakin' compromises to accomodate him? I give up!


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

40isthenew20...I actually have suggested this & will see how that goes, but so far he seems to be the type that if he's not in the mood, I'm ass out! I dunno, I'll talk to him about it further tonight...the fact that I will still be horny while pretending not to want him - for his benefit - is a real issue that he can't ignore.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

3x a week is hardly over the top, nor is every other day.

It is what it is though. 

If you are trying how to figure out how to be something you are not - you are looking in the wrong place for answers. 'curb your desire'. What an odd concept. 

Yeah I also think the 'hunt' thing is BS.. though I have seen it before so I guess it cant be totallly discounted. I see it from guys explaining why they picked up that chick in the bar. (sorry - just sticking that in there) Here you are... gorgeous, willing, and exquisitely horny.. and he wants to go hunting? He doesnt respond well to 'pressure'? Laugh. I know plenty of guys who dream for than kind of 'pressure'.

Maybe you should let him go on his little safari if thats what he needs. Seems like a pretty uncomfortable first step when moving in together.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well def have a discussion before you move in together. You BOTH have to compromise.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like he's a guy who wants to make sure he can deliver quality. Also, a guy just as well as a woman can worry about being used for his body. If you do enjoy the sex you are having with him, you owe it to yourself to make sure that on average, over the long haul, you will continue to get quality. Don't sell yourself short in the long run. Stoking a guy's fire by showing some restraint *might* have long-term payoffs. I'd rather have a couple times a week quality than 'fast food' more frequently. I know it's difficult to fathom that a guy wants it less often and horrors, not all the time, but from what I hear, there is a real desire to deliver...and the 'more often' can be a real impediment to that sort of quality control. 

Surely as a modern day woman you can take care of yourself every once in a while... but I guess it all depends on the rest of your relationship. Before committing, you really need to think about what might happen if say he lost his ability altogether due to accident or illness. Or what might happen if you did.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Hmm difficult.

I'm 55 so can't speak for a 38 year man but it is relatively easy for a woman to tap out a man. There are only so many times that a man can get it up within a certain period.

Does it have to be PIV sex, what about toys or oral?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

WyshIknew said:


> ...it is relatively easy for a woman to tap out a man...


speak for yourself. 

Yeah I know, Im only 47 and I'll probably fade fast in the coming rapifd decline of my teetering elder years, but clearly... its not the same for everyone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am higher drive than hubby and he's said stuff like this on occasion. I totally agree with Homemaker_Numero_Uno.

Don't sneak off to masturbate. Tell him that you're horny and he's welcome to come watch and participate if he feels like it  Don't make him feel like you're doing it to spite him though.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It sounds like he's a guy who wants to make sure he can deliver quality.


Does it? Where? I missed that part.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Hmm difficult.
> 
> I'm 55 so can't speak for a 38 year man but it is relatively easy for a woman to tap out a man. There are only so many times that a man can get it up within a certain period.
> 
> Does it have to be PIV sex, what about toys or oral?


I have suggested the use of toys &/or him manually stimulating me, but this agression revelation is so new that we haven't had a chance to try that out. So I'll keep u posted on how that goes. I also will address our frequency expectations & whether he wants to be notified or not if I just wanna go handle things myself. That's what I was asking u all, if he doesnt want to know, how do I sneak off to masturbate when he's home? I feel it's kinda disrespectful tho to be honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Hmm difficult.
> 
> I'm 55 so can't speak for a 38 year man but it is relatively easy for a woman to tap out a man. There are only so many times that a man can get it up within a certain period.
> 
> Does it have to be PIV sex, what about toys or oral?


I don't know about that I'm 51 and could do both an am and pm session if wife wasn't so freakin' tired all the time... 

But I agree sex does not have to be PIV and playing games is always fun, e.g., strip card game etc... Gives this guy some time to recover or get geared up


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

3X a week is eminently reasonable.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

3 times a week and he gets tapped out? Um, no. 3x a day I can believe, but not 3 times a week. I'm 41 and have on occasion sustained 2x a day for a week at a time (on vacation). 3x a week is not exactly pushing the envelope.

So I have to ask. Is he just not that into you? Too much of a freak? Not enough of a freak? To skinny? Too fat? I just can't believe this is a frequency issue or an "I want to chase" issue.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

OP your partners response to you made sense until your further post where you said you were doing it 3 x a week. Sorry but that is not an extreme amount of sex.

Sounds to me that it is your manner putting him off not the quantity of sex you are having.

SO and I are both high drive, every day and twice some days would be great if the logistics were right.
But I know when I am being too full on and chasing too much he will sit us down to have a leisurely dinner and chat for a while to slow me down. Then he takes control for the rest of the evening 
We seem to work well as a unit and are a good balance for each other.

From past personal experience, get this sorted well before you move in together. He sounds like a communicator so that is a great start.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> 3 times a week and he gets tapped out? Um, no. 3x a day I can believe, but not 3 times a week. I'm 41 and have on occasion sustained 2x a day for a week at a time (on vacation). 3x a week is not exactly pushing the envelope.
> 
> So I have to ask. Is he just not that into you? Too much of a freak? Not enough of a freak? To skinny? Too fat? I just can't believe this is a frequency issue or an "I want to chase" issue.


Gosh, he does drink a few beers a night, tho nothing excessive, & he's pretty skinny & suffered through passing kidney stones 2x since we've been together. He's also said he's noticed a decrease in his libido past age 35 & struggles to keep up with my sexual needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Gosh...you're so different from me

Yeah..that "pursuer" role is important for a lot of men

But that fact doesn't bother me at all.

I'm believer in gender roles...and I've sort of instinctively made sure to never _"out-man"_ a guy...even in high school:

I didn't curse around them. I always liked when they offered to help me with something or hold doors etc...and enjoyed playing into it. I even liked to defer to their judgement sometimes whenever I'd think the decision felt like a "masculine" feeling one.

And I've never wanted to feel like I was the "chaser" in romantic relationships.

That said, I consider myself modern, opinionated and "liberated" female. It's not a part of a religious tradition and no one ever told me to act like this. I have little respect for my father, so it anything I feel like I should be more like you. 

(certainly, even to me it seems so backwards to write it out)


I don't know..I'm inclined tell you to stop pursuing him so much, because that's what I think is _"just natural"_...so embrace the role of being desired and pursued...but I sort of see your point/frustration in asking "why can't he just embrace it"?

Anyway, sorry... this is a pretty lame attempt at advice.

It's more like your thread just got me musing...

Maybe there's a happy medium...or maybe he can/should shift his frame of mind a bit...allow himself to enjoy your enthusiasm?

(I'm sure if he visited these forums, he'd quickly be very grateful for you)


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Kaori said:


> I have suggested the use of toys &/or him manually stimulating me, but this agression revelation is so new that we haven't had a chance to try that out. So I'll keep u posted on how that goes. *I also will address our frequency expectations & whether he wants to be notified or not if I just wanna go handle things myself. That's what I was asking u all, if he doesnt want to know, how do I sneak off to masturbate when he's home? I feel it's kinda disrespectful tho to be honest.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sexual train wreck in the making here, you are starting to sound resentful.

TBH if I was going off to have some fun on my own I would tell SO, no doubt he would throw me over his shoulder and carry me to the bedroom himself to watch.

OP it is sounding more and more like a drive incompatibility issue.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

A minor attitude change that worked for me in the past :

I took an attitude of being responsible for my own sex drive.
If I wanted to... I pleased myself. He was welcome to join me, but there was no pressure. I made it clear that it's NICER when he participates... but I accepted we have different drives and honestly I didn't feel it was fair to pressure him to perform and it caused sooo many issues.

And the plus side is that led to him becoming more open about mutual masturbation and other "options", like just oral sex.

Your attitude towards it will make it uncomfortable or not.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

deejov said:


> A minor attitude change that worked for me in the past :
> 
> I took an attitude of being responsible for my own sex drive.
> If I wanted to... I pleased myself. He was welcome to join me, but there was no pressure. I made it clear that it's NICER when he participates... but I accepted we have different drives and honestly I didn't feel it was fair to pressure him to perform and it caused sooo many issues.
> ...


Thanks for this...exactly what I needed. I will take responsibility for myself sexually & let him know when I'm gonna use my toy, giving him the option to join if he wants. I hate sneaking around about anything!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

IndiaInk said:


> Gosh...you're so different from me
> 
> Yeah..that "pursuer" role is important for a lot of men
> 
> ...


I too believe in gender roles, am quite feminine & defer to him a lot. I just thought that since men express their love mainly through sex I'd speak his language in that area & let him know how much I desire him on a regular basis & as u see, that backfired on me. Can you give me some specifics on how to be enticing without being so aggressive? That's where I'm at a loss here I guess. Thx!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I too had to "learn" how to let the man pursue me. For me, it was more about being touchy in a non-sexual way, and setting him up so to speak. Planning dates. Setting the scene. Dressing up a bit. Classy but not sl!tty. Listening. Being patient. Just like when you were dating. Acting like you were interested in THEM.
But letting him be the initiator.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Kaori said:


> Gosh, he does drink a few beers a night, tho nothing excessive, _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, some people can handle a few beers a night without depressing libido, some can't. If a few is 3, and it's every night, many health professionals would be concerned about the amount.

For myself, as I've gotten older I've had to cut back on alcohol considerably to stay . . . ready.

There's no way to say for sure in his case, but maybe he could try not having any alcohol for a couple weeks and see what happens.


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## PAmale (Sep 30, 2012)

Have him check his T levels. He may be feeling something else that he doesn't realize. My wife was also "always in the mood" so I thought then over time I started to look inward and finally went to my primary who swore a 40 year old male would not have an issue- the doc called me the next night to say she was wrong and was shocked that my levels were below 300 (that is pretty low for my age). I am a year in with taking T replacement and it is incredible. Now my wife and I are actually reversed and I want it every night, during the night, and every morning- so I would fall into the 3x day category. 

In the beginning of the T replacement we would actually need to go into the car in the corner of the parking lot because I would be so horny that it hurt (guys would understand) and I could shoot load after load with no issues and she was right there with me. Read my Testosterone post in the men's lounge for more info.

Can't hurt to get checked. You ne'er know - I didn't and could have written the same words your husband did 2 years ago.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Kaori said:


> I too believe in gender roles, am quite feminine & defer to him a lot. I just thought that since men express their love mainly through sex I'd speak his language in that area & let him know how much I desire him on a regular basis & as u see, that backfired on me. Can you give me some specifics on how to be enticing without being so aggressive? That's where I'm at a loss here I guess. Thx!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not sure how it's done because, well, I'm a guy. But I believe it involves hair flipping, eyelash batting, and laughing a bad jokes.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I wish i got 3x a week. Most i get is 1 or 2 x every freaking 3 weeks... that is on a good month. Pisses me off because i got the same speech.. too much my ass. Not enough more likely. :banghead:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kaori, 
Stop it. I am not joking. Stop swimming upstream against mother nature. 

What you are doing is not cool. I am the HD partner. Going into year 24,I could have crushed our marriage by now via desire imbalance. 

And I admit I have the - psychological advantage - I am the MAN - so I am expected to be higher desire and pursue. Still could have killed her desire and the marriage via pressure. 

That doesn't mean he gets to starve you. WTF: My W wants me to slam her against the wall she wears these skirts just above the knee. Not overtly ****ty, makes them even hotter. Right now - this is normal mid week - I She is 700 miles west of me - just writing this my breathing changed.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Oh please don't be like my wife, then again, it's kinda hard to be my wife (who wants it 3x... A DAY!!! -.- )

What your husband said to you - I FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY with my wife when she demands sex all the freakin time. PLEASE listen to him because that's honest and truthful information that you and all women should learn about men!


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

drerio said:


> I don't know about that I'm 51 and could do both an am and pm session if wife wasn't so freakin' tired all the time...
> 
> But I agree sex does not have to be PIV and playing games is always fun, e.g., strip card game etc... Gives this guy some time to recover or get geared up


Know what you mean, and perhaps I didn't explain myself too well.

Best I've managed in the last couple of years is four times in one 24 hr period when staying at a hotel.

Once when we arrived in the evening, once before breakfast, at lunchtime (got me back in our room on the pretext of changing her shoes, pushed me back on the bed and said "while we're here" and once again in the evening. She did try for a fifth but there was nothing 'in the tank'.

I always enjoy sex and we do the am/pm sessions sometimes but I enjoy more if I have had 12/24 hours to recover.

Perhaps this is what the OP BF feels, constant repetitive sex takes the 'edge' off the pleasure.

It's a simple law of nature, a woman merely has to feel horny to have sex, whereas if a mans purple headed womb broom is being Mr Wobbly it ain't gonna happen .

If he is perfectly happy and horny with 3-4 times a week he is probably quite normal. If you are concerned then maybe (in as tacful a way as possible suggest a testosterone check)

One thing we do is make love 4-7 days in a row then have a rest for a couple of days.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> 3 times a week and he gets tapped out? Um, no. 3x a day I can believe, but not 3 times a week. I'm 41 and have on occasion sustained 2x a day for a week at a time (on vacation). 3x a week is not exactly pushing the envelope.
> 
> So I have to ask. Is he just not that into you? Too much of a freak? Not enough of a freak? To skinny? Too fat? I just can't believe this is a frequency issue or an "I want to chase" issue.


Figured there'd be posts in here like this. The one bad thing about TAM is the double standard on some things.

If the OP was a man, complaining about how his SO only has sex 3x a week, this thread would be loaded with people telling him to be thankful for what he's getting and not complain. But reverse things, and you get comments about how he shouldn't be tapped out at 3x a week, but rather 3x a day? Wtf?

Not all guys are some roaming sex machine, driven by a throbbing **** 24/7. I know for myself, and I am 35 as well, that my libido ranges from 1x a week to 5x a week, with my preference being at 3x-4x a week. So I'm right where this guy is at right now. Sure, I'd be willing to try and work it up higher, but that doesn't happen overnight. At least that's what we tell men about women, right?

This guy isn't in the mood more than 3x a week. It's going to take discussion and compromise and likely some work to get a balance the two of them enjoy and like. He shouldn't have to be questioned if he's 'into' his SO, if his T levels are low or anything else. Simple communication and an effort to improve will likely work here.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I did not say anything about mood. I was specifically referring to being physically tapped Out. Libido is a whole other issue.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

If you aren't in the mood, you are tapped out. You can be fit as an ox, if you aren't in mood you are mentally tapped out, and that can affect the physical very much as well.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Kaori said:


> sometimes I feel alot of pressure to perform since you make it clear that you are very horny on a daily basis, and that takes a little bit of the fun out of it like there's an expectation that needs to be met. As a man, it's also in my nature to "pursue" you, but when you make it very clear that you're always ready & open for business, I'm less motivated to try because it feels like I don't really have to try. I know I'm very lucky to have such a gorgeous, sexy woman willing to satisfy me on a daily basis and I don't want to take you for granted or not keep you satisfied, but I do feel alot of pressure from you to do so. Sometimes I feel like if I don't keep you satisfied that you might think about looking for some younger buck who's got more energy and sexual drive then I do. I hope that's never the case. I very much enjoy knowing that you desire me, but maybe it's something I need to hear less or not on a daily basis. Then, if I'm wondering if you're hot for me there's only one way for me to find out...


He sandwiches in some sweet and loving remarks in here but if I were you I would be very wary, and don't be influenced by the sweet talk! This is a red flag that two might be sexually incompatible. I'm tempted to say 'run away!' because I think this is just the beginning of many problems to come.

I think you should reconsider moving in. This problem is likely to get worse after you are living together. For me and my H, his desire became much lower after we started living together. 

When I reread the quote, it seems like he is telling you not to initiate, and to wait for him to do it.
I don't like that sexist hunter and game playing crap either. I think you should be able to initiate without having to worry about that. 

I don't like someone telling me I'm 'pressuring him' or 'taking the fun out of it' when I flirt with him. You have a higher drive than your bf right now, but instead of offering to satisfy you with a vibrator or something, he is trying to make you feel unfeminine and aggressive.

However, I do think you shouldn't initiate every night, give him a couple days to recover in between.

Personally I think you should tell your bf you won't trade him in for a different buck just because of his lower drive, but you will if he makes you feel bad about initiating and having a higher drive.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Kari, I realize I didn't share the details of all that I was doing & in hindsight, it was way beyond flirty fun. I was pretty much either texting or telling him daily that I "want a ride" and for him to gather his strength; just totally unnecessary obnoxiousness like that! It's one thing to be femininely enticing to your man, but announcing it daily in the way that I did was just too much! I realize it now after reading posts from the men on here with HD wives & then having a lovely fun & flirty evening with my man last night that led to some very hot sex, and I no longer feel any resentment over this. 

I was going about this all wrong & realize that the decrease in frequency was directly related to my being way too pushy & in his face about how much I wanted him...DAILY. I was being ridiculous about it and am kinda embarrassed about my behavior now; but as I told him, after being in a sexless long term relationship w/a porn addict before I met him, I'm so out of practice in the art of seduction & didn't know what the heck to do to be enticing, so I went to men's message boards seeking advice & was told to be aggressive & speak his man language which was misguided. I then used totally unneccessary extreme behavior instead of simply asking HIM what turns him on. Now I know to just ask my man when in doubt & he will be totally honest with me, & vice versa. Why the heck we both waited so long to discuss this, I have no idea! I suspect he didn't want to hurt my feelings in revealing these things unprompted, realized how lucky he is to have a hot & ready woman & didn't wanna rock the boat.

Thanks everyone! S'all good for now!


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## PAmale (Sep 30, 2012)

After reading the last post I agree in your assessment. My wife now used to be overly aggressive when we dated and I almost broke up with her. Looking back I wish I had that time back but even now I would agree that men are the hunters by nature and when the role is reversed my brain doesn't process correctly.


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