# EA?



## BeetleBug (May 24, 2011)

I have male email friend. We met on-line on a mutual hobby website. I'm older (12 years) and married. He's single. We email once or twice a week. Just general chit chat about hobby, family, his dating, my H and kids. Never inappropriate chat, and not all-consuming. It's not pouring out our hearts or sharing deep dark secrets. We will never meet (live very far) and no romantic feelings. I tell H conversations or jokes I get from him but never speifically said on-line friend is a male. Is this considered an EA? I don't have THOSE kinds of feelings but I have to keep it a secret which makes me wonder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't think so. It doesn't sound like it's adversely affecting your marriage. You could come clean on the gender of your friend to your hubby, in a "non-dramatic" way.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

Secrets that involve a member of the opposite sex seem like a red flag to me in a marriage. Wishing you all the best.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

BeetleBug said:


> I have male email friend. We met on-line on a mutual hobby website. I'm older (12 years) and married. He's single. We email once or twice a week. Just general chit chat about hobby, family, his dating, my H and kids. Never inappropriate chat, and not all-consuming. It's not pouring out our hearts or sharing deep dark secrets. We will never meet (live very far) and no romantic feelings. I tell H conversations or jokes I get from him but never speifically said on-line friend is a male. Is this considered an EA? I don't have THOSE kinds of feelings but I have to keep it a secret which makes me wonder.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Sounds as if things are just starting to warm up. Somewhere along the way, things may get a little more intimate.
My suggestion is to be prepared for it, and realize that if / when that should happen, quit before your emotions lick in, and make it an EA.


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## BeetleBug (May 24, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> Sounds as if things are just starting to warm up. Somewhere along the way, things may get a little more intimate.
> My suggestion is to be prepared for it, and realize that if / when that should happen, quit before your emotions lick in, and make it an EA.


I know where I stand by I will definately watch for signals on his end and keep re-examining my reactions. Anything I've typed to him or read for him, I would be fine if H was right behind me. But it does bug me that I have purposely omitted that my friend is a he. I need to fix that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> Sounds as if things are just starting to warm up. Somewhere along the way, things may get a little more intimate.
> My suggestion is to be prepared for it, and realize that if / when that should happen, quit before your emotions lick in, and make it an EA.


Yup. Be careful. Do not exchange anything between you that your husband would be uncomfortable with. This is tough because it starts so slowly and with such small increments it can creep up on you.

Sorry to say we cannot trust our own judgement on these things. Too close to the forest kinda thing.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BeetleBug said:


> I know where I stand by I will definately watch for signals on his end and keep re-examining my reactions. Anything I've typed to him or read for him, I would be fine if H was right behind me. But it does bug me that *I have purposely omitted that my friend is a he. * I need to fix that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oooopsie.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Oooopsie.


Yep. first ooopsie, indeed.


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## BeetleBug (May 24, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> Yep. first ooopsie, indeed.


Yes BIG oopsie that I'm not feeling very good about that I need to change. I think I'd rather just end the friendship - no confession and consider it lesson learned??? Or do I need to confess? I am stopping contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

BeetleBug said:


> Yes BIG oopsie that I'm not feeling very good about that I need to change. I think I'd rather just end the friendship - no confession and consider it lesson learned??? Or do I need to confess? I am stopping contact.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi,
I'd like to share my story, briefly.

My wife of 16 years, made a male friend at work. He was a little dorky guy, and she was open about her "friendship". Before you know it, she was going to the malls, lunches, and spending every spare moment of her day texting him. She knew she could never be with him. She knew she wasn't attracted to him, and she knew I would probably rip his head off. Yet, her friendship continued for months, and eventually her conversations with him, took precedence over her day to day conversations with me. It was about as close to losing my wife, as I've ever come.
Eventually, I stepped in, and demanded that it stop. She defended her actions, like he was a god. I went after the guy, and scared the crap out of him, and my wife THEN decided it was time to end her marriage. She was emotionally GONE for 5 months. Empty. I was ready to accommodate her, when she seemed to have softened up. We are TRYING to get back into a routine marriage, and give our children a family again.

So... as you can see, even an innocent friendship has the potential to be as destructive as a full blown affair.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

If you only email -- no chat or other dialogue? -- then cc: hubby in every email and explain to the OM why you are doing so and be sure he does the same. My guess is the frequency and volume wil lgo away once it's no longer a special secret...

The very fact that you've asked the question here (good for you) and even said you will stop all contact with him (best for you) suggests there was some sort of doubt on your part.

Clearly nobody outside the marriage is worth risking it, and you've realized that. Be proud of yourself if you do in fact follow through and stop the contact. Nothing is worth the damage you might do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why are you hiding your relationship with this "friend" from your husband? 

The answer to that will hold the key.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The fact that you are questioning the relationship should be a flag of its own. I suspect it may not be now, but you are already questioning where it's going. Better safe than sorry, end it.


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## BeetleBug (May 24, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why are you hiding your relationship with this "friend" from your husband?
> 
> The answer to that will hold the key.


Because he is jealous. He is jealous of my ex-husband (normal divorced parent communication - says I'm too friendly) when we speak on the phone. He even gets jealous when I go with my girlfriends. But I've read the forum enough (this weekend) to know that you don't fix a problem but creating one and I have to deal with H's issues head on, not by lies and omissions. I honestly don't have romantic feelings for this guy at all, and I will do the right thing because I'm a good person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So if he's jealous, don't you think hiding your relationship with another man just feeds into that?


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## BeetleBug (May 24, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So if he's jealous, don't you think hiding your relationship with another man just feeds into that?


He's jealous of all my relationships. My extended family, my children from first marriage, my girl friends. That's HIS issue. He has to learn to deal with that. That being said, omitting a key fact (friend is a male) doesn't fix the problem. There's 'nothing' feeding in to anything. I get and send one or two emails a weeks. I'm not stuck on my phone or email 24/7 chatting back and forth. But I agree that sneaking doesn't fix problem, setting boundaries does. FWIW, H has many female work colleagues that BBM him all the time, so he understands male/female comraderie, just not when it's me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BeetleBug said:


> *That being said, omitting a key fact (friend is a male) doesn't fix the problem. *There's 'nothing' feeding in to anything. I get and send one or two emails a weeks. I'm not stuck on my phone or email 24/7 chatting back and forth. But I agree that *sneaking doesn't fix problem*, setting boundaries does.


Yep, ommitting the truth and sneaking about it is not going to help things, IMO.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BeetleBug said:


> Yes BIG oopsie that I'm not feeling very good about that I need to change. I think I'd rather just end the friendship - no confession and consider it lesson learned??? Or do I need to confess? I am stopping contact.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would not call it confessing. I would take action and stop all contact and then immediately tell your hubby you have cut off contact. Don't make this bigger than it is. Don't minimize it either. Just tell him that you had been communicating with your friend and then realized you felt funny about it and that you also realized that it could be considered inappropriate so you stopped it but wanted your hubby to know. You felt funny becasue your friend is a guy. Most people would say to not even tell him, but you need your husbands support so you do not start it up again in case you go through some withdrawal.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> Hi,
> I'd like to share my story, briefly.
> 
> My wife of 16 years, made a male friend at work. He was a little dorky guy, and she was open about her "friendship". Before you know it, she was going to the malls, lunches, and spending every spare moment of her day texting him. She knew she could never be with him. She knew she wasn't attracted to him, and she knew I would probably rip his head off. Yet, her friendship continued for months, and eventually her conversations with him, took precedence over her day to day conversations with me. It was about as close to losing my wife, as I've ever come.
> ...


Wow. Yes EAs are powerful stuff.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

2xloser said:


> *If you only email -- no chat or other dialogue? -- then cc: hubby in every email and explain to the OM why you are doing so and be sure he does the same. My guess is the frequency and volume wil lgo away once it's no longer a special secret...*
> 
> The very fact that you've asked the question here (good for you) and even said you will stop all contact with him (best for you) suggests there was some sort of doubt on your part.
> 
> Clearly nobody outside the marriage is worth risking it, and you've realized that. Be proud of yourself if you do in fact follow through and stop the contact. Nothing is worth the damage you might do.


I think this is an approriate way to go.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BeetleBug said:


> Because he is jealous. He is jealous of my ex-husband (normal divorced parent communication - says I'm too friendly) when we speak on the phone. He even gets jealous when I go with my girlfriends. But I've read the forum enough (this weekend) to know that you don't fix a problem but creating one and I have to deal with H's issues head on, not by lies and omissions. I honestly don't have romantic feelings for this guy at all, and I will do the right thing because I'm a good person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The thing is that most of us do not have romantic feeling for the other folks. They are just friends. Then slowly feelings of caring arise. It is a process that folks fall into. You are in over your head before you know it. It FEELS ok.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BeetleBug said:


> *Because he is jealous. * He is jealous of my ex-husband (normal divorced parent communication - says I'm too friendly) when we speak on the phone. He even gets jealous when I go with my girlfriends. But I've read the forum enough (this weekend) to know that you don't fix a problem but creating one and I have to deal with H's issues head on, not by lies and omissions. I honestly don't have romantic feelings for this guy at all, and I will do the right thing because I'm a good person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The thing is that jealous feelings get a bad rap. Sure one can be overly jealous. But it is natural for a man to get that gut feeling when it concerns his wife and other men. Past lovers are forever an issue. If you have children with an ex then you have to have some contact. Otherwsie it is best to have no contact. Otherwsie the potential is there for a quick escalation. And I mean quick. You may very well be acting too freindly towards your ex. Idunno. Your husband should be jealous of the ex to the extent that his radar is up. If you are trying to be friends with the ex ... good luck with that. That alone can cause huge problems for a relationship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BeetleBug said:


> Because he is jealous. He is jealous of my ex-husband (normal divorced parent communication - says I'm too friendly) when we speak on the phone. He even gets jealous when I go with my girlfriends. But I've read the forum enough (this weekend) to know that you don't fix a problem but creating one and I have to deal with H's issues head on, not by lies and omissions. I honestly don't have romantic feelings for this guy at all, and I will do the right thing because I'm a good person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Women need female friends and should have friend time for sure. Just like men need male friends.

The only time I would think a man might be "jealous" or concerned over female friends are if he is not getting the amount and / or quality of time with you. I believe couple time comes off the top of the schedule. It has the highest priority of the non work time. Then there is friend time. If it is the other way around then that can be unfair to the spouse. 

The other thing would be if the friends are not marriage friendly friends. If some how they are perceived as leading thier spouse astray or othwerwise causing problems for the marriage.

If a friend was encouraging you to get back with the ex or is trying to hook you up with another guy.

I am assuming none of this is true in your case. Maybe the time thing.

Try the His Needs Her Needs stuff if you have not already.


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## BeetleBug (May 24, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Women need female friends and should have friend time for sure. Just like men need male friends.
> 
> The only time I would think a man might be "jealous" or concerned over female friends are if he is not getting the amount and / or quality of time with you. I believe couple time comes off the top of the schedule. It has the highest priority of the non work time. Then there is friend time. If it is the other way around then that can be unfair to the spouse.
> 
> ...


I'm not 'friendly' with ex. It's business polite. Talk is related to kids only and stuff like 'thanks for letting me know' is about as friendly as I get. No chit chat about personal lives at all. We don't sit together at kids' events etc. 
My friends are all married in 15+ year marriages with kids. We go for suppers and coffee. I went to a 'pleasure party' once (tupperware for sex toys), ladies only. Home by 11 99% percent of the time. My one single friend is in her 60's and comes for coffee. I'm not inappropriate with anyone. H and I do have marital troubles, but I save that for here and therapist. My friends would keel over if they thought we were anything but happy. I firmly believe in repairing or leaving before moving on. Still trying to repair. If I'm done, H will be first not last to know and there will be closure before moving on to next relationship.
I do appreciate comments. I didn't realize the anatomy of EA and thought I was safe because I had no romantic feelings. I know different now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BeetleBug said:


> I'm not 'friendly' with ex. It's business polite. Talk is related to kids only and stuff like 'thanks for letting me know' is about as friendly as I get. No chit chat about personal lives at all. We don't sit together at kids' events etc.
> My friends are all married in 15+ year marriages with kids. We go for suppers and coffee. I went to a 'pleasure party' once (tupperware for sex toys), ladies only. Home by 11 99% percent of the time. My one single friend is in her 60's and comes for coffee. I'm not inappropriate with anyone. H and I do have marital troubles, but I save that for here and therapist. My friends would keel over if they thought we were anything but happy. I firmly believe in repairing or leaving before moving on. Still trying to repair. If I'm done, H will be first not last to know and there will be closure before moving on to next relationship.
> I do appreciate comments. I didn't realize the anatomy of EA and thought I was safe because I had no romantic feelings. I know different now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Was just trying to see if husband had any reason for that jealousy. It does not seem so from this.


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