# All women take a look at this quote and tell me if you agree or not!!



## dawn74 (May 25, 2010)

Here is a quote from a member that feels that this is the best way to handle a situation where the wife was caught cheating on her husband and the husband wants to get her back:

Originally Posted by turnera 
You must call her parents and his wife/parents and tell them what is going on. She needs to see that what she is doing is wrong and no one can bring that home like a parent. She won't hear it from you. If she has siblings, call them, too. Ask them to help you save the marriage, at least for the kids' sakes.

She has to be away from his influence before she will ever even consider you again. So your first step has to be stopping their contact. 

If she refuses, call her family and his family. If they refuse to get involved, visit her HR department and tell them what's going on. Your marriage will NOT survive if she doesn't stop contact, and she can always get another job. She will be mad, but your marriage can survive her anger; it can't survive another man.

After reading this what are a womens opinion on this.

Would this totally end any chance of working the marriage out?

My opinion: If I were in this situation (and thankfully I am not), if there was the slightest possibility of working my marriage out and my husband did the above..I would never talk to him again after that..


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

it would not have worked with my H. He would have felt trapped and totally have run the other way. But, once I found out about the A, he ended it immediately and met all of my demands, including therapy for him and anti-depressants. If he had not, we would not be together. If they have been outed and still refuse to end the affair, then I think that says a whole lot about how that person really feels. If he had refused to end it, that would have told me all I needed to know.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I agree with Star. Airing your laundry like that to family, friends, and work is just a trashy thing to do. If I felt like I had to go to those measures, I would just leave the marriage.


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## dawn74 (May 25, 2010)

I totally agree. I was wowed by this one. If my parents were to get a call from my husband with this, they would totally go off on him for involving them. If I had call them needing advice than yes they would be there for me..but my husband calling them...no way!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would tend to agree that getting family involved can have some long-term negative side-effects and each situation is different. I don't believe a cookie-cutter approach for stopping affairs is the best approach. My brother's pastor advised them to keep personal marriage issues between the two of them once married and not to involve family. I believe that is fairly common advice as I have read this elsewhere.

There may be situations where desparate times require desparate measures and this sort of 'outing' might have a positive impact as far as stopping the affair where the spouse is willing to risk whatever fallout ensues.

I would have to think in most cases where an affair is taking place, there are other issues within the marriage so outing the spouse who is already not plugged into the marriage can alienate them even further.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Dawn, I don't think the concern is whether the cheating spouse will ever speak to them again. The objective is to make him/her end the affair. Most people don't want their marriage to end as result of an affair, but there is no hope of survival or working things out if the cheating spouse will not pull away from the lover. Accept it or not, the emotional bond to the lover is often stronger than to the wife because at the time, the wife still represents all the reasons the cheater began cheating. But that bond usually temporary and the cheater becomes very remorseful. However, that can never happen if they are still cheating and still allowed to make and feel the connection. Affairs are emotions all gone haywire. It is sage advice for the wronged spouse to do whatever they can to bring their cheaters attention back to them.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am actually with Susan on this one. Most of the time when that advice is posted, the person who is asking for help has already used every other available option.

On a side note, yeah you would be angry but why? Because its embarrassing to have your spouse tell everyone the truth about what you have been doing. Now everyone would know and it would change their view of you. That is something you do when you cheat, not when your spouse outs you.


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> it would not have worked with my H. He would have felt trapped and totally have run the other way. But, once I found out about the A, he ended it immediately and met all of my demands, including therapy for him and anti-depressants. If he had not, we would not be together. If they have been outed and still refuse to end the affair, then I think that says a whole lot about how that person really feels. If he had refused to end it, that would have told me all I needed to know.


:iagree: I watched my father have an emotional affair with my coach and when my mother told him to pick her or TOW he picked TOW. My mom left after that and I have never once blamed her. TOW was married with two kids as well and they continued this for 6 years. Turns out only the first year wasn't physical. It comes down to who they really care about, TOW or you.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

(Lurking male in the Lady's Lounge)

Exposure can be a valid avenue to take to end an affair. It was certainly an option I considered in dealing with my wife's EA which lasted several months after discovery, stopped, restarted.... I felt I had a lot more arrows in my quiver to use before I threw down that gauntlet. In retrospect, had I used exposure early on in our process I am quite sure the marriage would have failed. It was too crippled to survive it. The EA only ended when I made it clear to my wife that I was fully prepared to leave our 20+ year marriage because of it. To me that made more sense than exposure and it worked. The affair ended for good. Had it not ended I would have used exposure but only after I had walked, she had made her choice. I would have exposed it so that people would understand why I left a marriage that to the outside world looked very solid. In effect I would have used it to burn the bridge behind me. 

Exposure should be considered as an option but not one to be taken lightly. I would liken it go going all in in a poker game. Winner takes all or bust.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i agree in part w/ some of what i read 
here by the ladies, and the gentleman who cruises
the ladies lounge for better than nefarious reasons.

i too read these posts from turnera, & was somewhat 
surprised to see she wrote it in several forums(2?/3? not
sure), as it read somewhat hotly emotional, for her.
she had responded so beautifully & balanced to others and
since, i had/have noticed. it read to me as if she
were advising to do so rather early on in the EA/PA
process. i may be wrong, but it doesnt/didnt matter
as shes intitled to her opinion.

as for me, it would indeed be the last desperate act of a 
desperate man, or to be truthful, the last vindictive act
in a sardonic play/farce, with a different ending to :
"Cosi fan tutte".

yet too, there r so many factors in play re: this move or
tatic. are all these "others" that supportive of u 2 & yer marr
in the first place? or r u the "last to know" something
here? is she dad's little princess still? or mom's wunderkind
boy from 7th grade still? how tight is this family circle
anyhow? are they all sensitive or jaded folk? were u never
good enough for H/W anyways in their eyes?

so many Q's/factors. but def an "all in"/fook-u type
move.


---------theres a man in here!---------------cb45


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

cb45 said:


> ---------theres a man in here!


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

:lol: :smthumbup: :lol: :smthumbup: :lol:

GOOD ONE, AMPLEXOR !!!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

LOL Amp. 

im not sure what good calling family would do. i never listened to my mom when i was younger, im sure not going to start now. and my siblings would stay out of it. they'd tell the caller it was none of their business what i was doing. they would only be concerned if i was being safe and if i was unhappy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Since no one has brought up the reasoning behind why I advocate exposure, I would like to add a little food for thought on the 'other' side. When I first found marriagebuilders.com (where I learned about this affair-killing tactic), I, too, thought it sounded atrocious. It had to be a vengeful thing. 

But if those of you who don't believe in it would read the logic behind it, in the words of the founder of MB, it would make much more sense to you. And, as tanelornpete and affaircare also explain to many betrayed spouses here, it is NOT the first thing you do. There is a plan, a series of steps you take, to try to end your spouse's affair.

They include: 

making sure YOU are doing everything you can to make your marriage as good as you can, now that you suspect, so that you give your spouse no (further) reason to blame you for driving them away

gathering evidence so you don't accuse your spouse on nothing

confronting your spouse and asking him/her to stop the affair

IF and ONLY if they refuse to stop, sitting down and calling your spouse's 'important people' - those people whose respect he/she covets - and telling them in a nonconfrontational way the TRUTH (i.e. not calling him/her a jerk, etc., just stating the facts), and then asking them for advice and/or help to help you save your marriage. That is all you do - ask them to help you save your marriage.

calling the family of the OM/OW (especially a spouse) and letting THEM know what's going on, so they can decide what to do from their side

waiting to see if the exposure shakes up the wayward, because it bursts the bubble of their fantasy and helps them realize the destruction they're causing

telling the wayward that you will NOT stay in a marriage with three people; and waiting to see what they decide

separating after a set period of time so that the wayward can no longer cake eat from two lovers and so you can stop from falling out of love with your spouse


The exposure is a one-time deal done in love for your spouse, not vengeance, and as an appeal for help. But the greatest benefit is that it reminds the wayward that they cannot lie to everyone they know that this new person in their lives just happened to come along AFTER the BS and the WS split up; that the OM/OW was in fact part of the REASON they split up.

People have affairs because it gets their heart pumping and the chemicals flowing; exposure is nothing more than telling the truth to people who are close enough to the WS that they would want to be able to keep them from doing anything worse than they already have, despite those chemicals.

Will they be mad? Undoubtedly. But your marriage can survive her/his anger. It cannot survive a third person. And if the OM/OW leaves the scene, and you are doing all you can to be a better spouse, your WS can see the situation for what it really is. They will come to see WHY you do it; I've seen dozens of WS's come to the realization that their spouse FOUGHT for their marriage, when they couldn't. And they have thanked their spouse for exposing so that they could get a little dose of reality through embarrassment.

A WS cannot reengage in their marriage if they don't come back in humility and acceptance of what they have done to harm it. Those people who just let the WS come back whenever/however they feel like it, with no one knowing and with no consequences (humility)...are much more likely to suffer repeat performances. It's human nature.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

EEK is dat a MAN!???​:rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol:


Well I think there needs to be some distinction made too. If it were my spouse and he was just randomly calling family and friends to gossip, to spread lascivious rumors, to trash talk me, or "get people on his side" of the divorce...that would be something I would not find acceptable NOR would I condone it. 

When it comes to "exposure" in an affair situation, I actually suggest two steps first...C-D-E. 

First you confront your spouse directly. Now by confront I don't mean "have a confrontation."  I mean, go to them alone, privately, just between the two of you and let them know...FIRMLY...that you know they are having an affair, that you have proof and don't need to hear them deny it right now, that the marriage will not survive an affair and you made a vow so you want to do everything in your power so the marriage can recovery, and directly ASK them first to end all contact. If they refuse to end the affair do the next thing.

After you've done that, disclose to ONE person who's like a mentor, someone you or your spouse looks up to such as a parent, a pastor or rabbi, a teacher, an advisor...you get the drift. Someone you might call "wise counsel." Anyway the idea here is to have ONE PERSON who you both trust, who your disloyal spouse might listen to, and who you may get some support and encouragement from. It can be motivating to know that someone you consider highly has to look you in the eye and say, "I know about your affair...what are you doing? You know better than this! End it and work on your marriage, or if you will not/can not at least end the marriage first and then look for someone when you are legally free to do so." You know--limit it to ONE person you trust and limit any embarrassment if you can. Give the disloyal spouse one more chance to do the right thing and end it!

As a much more serious resort, you expose to those close to you who are likely to be affected by a divorce--those who will lose grandchildren or who might be vulnerable to a sexual harrassment lawsuit. Usually this would be limited to both sets of parents, both sets of siblings, both sets of co-workers or bosses, folks at church/shul or place of worship, and the OP's spouse. THOSE people are not told salacious details but rather as factually as possible: "XYZ is having an affair with ABC. I have proof and if you don't believe it I can show it to you. I am trying very hard to save our marriage but so far s/he won't end the affair. I'd appreciate if you'd keep us in your (thoughts, prayers, vibes) and if you get a chance please help him/her to return to our marriage. I know I can use any support or encouragement you have to offer!" See how that's keeping it on the loyal but asking for a little and being factual? 

The reason this is done is so the affair can't be "a secret lover's rendevous" anymore. They can't use the company expense report anymore. They hear all day long from their divorced friends at work that divorce will "...set them free" but now they hear from their friends and family how much a divorce will hurt too! 

And if my hubby were to tell all our friends and family about an affair I was having, would I be mad? HECK YES probably! :FIREdevil: But not really at him. I'd be mad at myself for making dumb choices I should have stopped and didn't, and I'd feel like I look like a **** in front of everyone. That's not because he told the truth--that's because I committed adultery and didn't stop when I knew it was wrong.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree with Tunera, 
I followed this suggestion when I found out about my hubby's affair and we now are working out our marriage....
I told my sons(20 and 22) and family and friends.....
My husband had an affair with a married woman and her husband also told everyone on his side of the affair....
My husband and his OW worked together as well, once everyone found out it no longer was any fun to continue the affair and hurt anyone else......the kids, 4 in total......going to work for my husband was difficult, he is the boss and was very embarassed by his behavior.....image and people's perception of you is important.......it was to him............respect in the business world .........his family a good catholic one.........our friends.....married 25 years and lots of close friends(couples)........all in disbief.....
lots of them calling me, no one really calling him........
It's been 5 months since the world found out about his affair and he is singing a different tune now.......wants to work on his marriage and keeping his family and life together....
When it's out in the public the fantasy part of the relationship disappears and the reality of his decisions was something that he had to deal with........It wasn't worth it and he regrets it now.....he is still embarrassed now when he sees people and they know what he has done......
Why would anyone let their spouses just have a relationship with someone else? Fight for what is yours.......


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm sure it would work on some people, but I suspect that a lot of people simply don't care who knows. If my son's wife called me like this, I'd tell her to get her own house in order-she's an adult and should handle things as one, although if she asked for advice, I'd give it. If my son brought me the information about himself, I'd encourage him to end the affair b/c he would not be able to make any good decisions about his future while in the cloud the affair causes, and if he is unhappy in his marriage, to deal with that before involving any other partner.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

TO ALL.

another insight, part contrarian. 

unless u great some GREAT counselor/counseling, u r not 
dealing w/ the root(s) of the problem, be it M/F, H/W.

o/wise all u've achieved is a H/W running back home w/ a
tail betwn their legs. the hunger/disease/temptation (etc)
still exists, extremely likely to repeat in mths or yrs.

i write this cuz many would be satisfied w/ a rtn home, thinking they've "won" and forget the all important follow up counseling
aforementioned.

--------------------------------------------------cb45


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## eno (May 16, 2010)

I think there is a lot of sense in what turnera says.but its a 50/50thing.this will either strengthen or break d marrriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

cb45 said:


> TO ALL.
> 
> another insight, part contrarian.
> 
> ...


 Great point, cb. I didn't include everything that's involved in the MB plan because, frankly, there's a LOT involved! There are other parts, such as requiring your WS to write a No Contact letter to the OM/OW that YOU read to make sure it's not a love letter to OW, and YOU send. This is psychological. 

There is making a 'list' of what you would require, as a BS, for YOU, in order to be able to welcome them back; such as complete transparency and access to his/her passwords, phone, etc. Things like this are involved in the 'humility' aspect I talk about. If your WS is not willing to do such things, do NOT let them come back! Because they _would_ just be coming back because it's easier. They have to 'get' what they have done. Can you expect them to understand and apologize and feel your pain? Not really, not at first. But if you don't set high boundaries for an acceptable marriage post-affair, he/she'll likely just do it again, later.

I like to say it's like a kid stealing candy. If his parent just says 'no no' and drops it, will he steal again? You betcha. If his parent makes him come back to the store, apologize, and work to pay off the candy, will he steal again? Much less likely. It's the psychological aspect of exposure - having to admit you've made a mistake, or at least knowing that others know you've made a mistake. Just like at AA, the first step is admitting you have a problem.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, and I totally forgot to include affaircare's second step, which I had never heard of but thoroughly agree with - disclosing to one main person you think will have an effect. Often, this is all you need to wake them up. And much better than telling more people, if it works. So by all means, include that step!


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I told my mother in law that her son was having sex with men and she laughed!!!!
Exposure seems extreme and futile to me. If the cheating spouse can't quit on their own say goodbye....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, there's plenty of evidence that it CAN work. So if I were in the position of having to walk away or try one more thing, I'd sure try it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

OH NOES ANUDDER MAN!​



Mike188 said:


> I'm not totally sure what my wife has done, but I know she has been acting like an idiot and repeatedly doing things that I dislike...
> 
> I brought this to the attention of her mother, a methodist minister, and her mother took her side all the way. Her mom told me that "She is 40 and is going to do what she wants to and you can't stop her" and "I don't think you should be trying to put boundaries on her just because you don't feel you can trust her. If you don't trust her than that is your problem". I should have known.
> 
> I told her best friend who has told me that she is acting like a fool and then told my wife that she better not be playing games with me and that she better quit screwing arounf with her marriage unless she wants to be divorced. In one ear and out the other. All of her other friends know but really don't say anything to her about it.


In your case Mike, your wife may have had time to sort of explain things to her mother and by the time you said something, it wasn't "I believe my wife is involved in several ongoing emotional affairs and she refuses to stop" it was you saying, "She's doing things I don't like" and her saying "Well...she's a grown up and so are you, get over it." Same for her friends. She has had time to prepare them so that it came down to sort of "he said/she said" and she set it up so you'd look like the paranoid, untrusting one and she's the poor little victim. Naturally she "forgot" to tell them you don't trust because of her unfaithfulness--that's "none of their business."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's why I advocate exposure - before your wayward spouse goes around telling everyone you're a nut, and she has to protect herself from you.


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## Never2BLoved (May 13, 2010)

I don't defend the position of full out exposure....essentially, it did me no good exposing either of my ex's. Blood is thicker than water and I found out real quick how fast a family can be charmed and "bought". 

Best thing to do, put the man/woman in the past, do a 180, go no contact and push on with your life. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Can you affair proof your marriage...yes, but you need to be at that point BEFORE the affair happens.


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## Anna11 (May 26, 2010)

i did that, i called the woman and she denied (my h got angry more) i called the OW husband and he turned me down telling me they're just friends, that prompted my h to tell me that hee will divorce me b/c I did not respect him and they're just good friends (btw my h OW introduced my h to her h and they become friends and would hang out in their house...awful isn't it looks like they're having 3some) i called the OW h last thanks giving and tell him and that was the time their affair came out in public but prior to that the OW had already dumped and cheated on my h that is why my h allowed me to reveal their affair to everybody...unfortunately the h of OW divorced her....while me and my h are going in the same path now going thruogh divorce ..sad family ending, one happy family wrecked by an ambitious sex maniac woman. at the end 2 innocent kids with broken family


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exposure is typically advised for the people in the cheater's circle whose respect he craves. It is they to whom he has to answer, look them in the eyes, knowing that they find him wanting for committing adultery. It's (typically) pointless to confront the affair partner, and the AP's spouse is useful if he/she will do something to keep the AP away from your spouse. But the power in exposure is in bringing light to something that they enjoyed because it was in the dark. Would you go up to your mom and say "I felt undewhelmed with my marriage, so I went and hooked up with Josie's husband"? Not likely. Because you don't want the important people in your life thinking poorly of you. Once they know, and you know they are disappointed, your affair typically loses its luster and is quicker to die out.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

If my husband was to do this to me--after all that we have been through, it would be the final straw. I would leave and there would be no chance what so ever of saving the marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you cheating?


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

turnera said:


> Are you cheating?


Not at the moment, but I'm getting close to the breaking point. I think though I will walk out first before I cheat. But then again, I haven't been pushed this far in my life. I really have no idea what I'm going to do.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Many forums advocate exposure, but as a last option. Like Affaircare said with her step plan basis. Affairs are based on fantasy. The excitement also is the newness and the secrecy. Once the secrecy is exposed the luster quickly tarnishes. As another poster touched on, this isn't about holding up a sign announcing to the world what the cheater has done but rather a direct "strike" if you will in telling key people in the cheater's life. "I am being cheated on and I need YOUR help in trying to save my marriage". That kind of language. If I contacted my husband's parents to tell them I was being cheated on and to please help me save our marriage, you better believe that they would move heaven and earth to help me. His friends would as well. I guess I am just lucky in that regard.


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

I would stop at asking my spouse to end the affair. For me, exposing the affair would be a waste of time and energy. I would rather focus my time and energy on potentially working on the issues that caused the affair to repair the marriage or developing a plan that would allow me to move forward on my own. 

And if my husband ever did that to me, the marriage would be over. 

I do not know much about affairs, but I do not think all begin because of some fantasy.


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## dsfg_lover_001 (Jul 4, 2010)

Well thanks for sharing,it is quiet interesting and fascinating.I think sometimes you should know how to use and when to use it.


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## LadyOfTheHouse (Jul 9, 2010)

TURNERA IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. if you want to save your marriage, you need to shatter H's illusion: the other woman is his be-all and end-all, she's his fairy princess, they're soul-mates, etc etc.

what he doesn't realize is that an affair is a fraud BY DEFINITION.

telling your family, his family, friends "H is having an affair w/ so-and-so and i need your support as i try to save the marriage" does two things: it prevents him from planning a fairy-tale divorce (adulterers get STUUUUCK in court), it prevents him from spreading vague rumors ("she's gotten so jealous and suspicious...i don't know how long i can take this") about YOU to get sympathy on his side; and it allows accountability! everyone's going to be rooting for YOU, the one who got cheated on and is still trying to work it out. 

contacting HR, especially implying that the info could potect the company from paying for unauthorized use of their resources (phone, compute, travel expenses) and sexual harassment lawsuits, ensures that the other woman and H will have a vested interest in having no further dealings w/ one another. if they can't stop themselves, you can jolly well bet their supervisors will.

exposing the affair may seem shameful to you, vindictive, counterintuitive. but its the right thing to do morally, and it's the right thing to do statistically.

turnera is no joke.


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