# Thoughts on marriage second time around...



## AtWittsEnd (Apr 26, 2012)

I always believed in marriage and all that it stands for but after *my own brief marriage had failed (stbxh decided he was no longer happy after 11 years together, married for 1 and completely cut me off) *now I'm not so sure.
I've been on this forum for a few months and have read many many stories, some heart-warming and others un-imaginable.*

Part of me want's to try marriage again someday as I feel I ripped off *but another part says the failure rate it too high.
I think I might be developing some kind of marriage-phobia, lol

I'm 27 (no kids) and know I still have many opportunities ahead... and I will be very choosy of my next partner.

For those who have remarried is it better the 2nd time round??
Any advice would be great!

Cheers,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes it's great. The problems lie in the fact that even though we love each other deeply we still have to face the fear that it will end up like it did before. I think you need to take time away from even considering dating and marriage and work on you. Even when you do though and you meet a wonderful person, the scars from the past do come back to haunt you. I wouldn't change what we have, I'm just saying its not perfect. 
I think having a bad marriage makes you more picky, and you know what you will put up with and what you won't. At least that's how I am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Im ten months past my divorce, and havent been out there looking at all. Im developing my own routine after around sixteen years with the same woman married for ten.
Grocery shopping, cleaning, have my kid for a week at a time every other week, mowing the lawn, you know, just taking care of myself the best way I know how for now. 
Im not in a hurry. Sometimes I feel a distinct sense of something missing, and other times I feel sort of jumbled still, like I am waiting for the dust to settle or something...
I figure its all okay though. Taking my time, finding me.
I had a girl say hello while I was shopping the other day, and man am I totally unprepared for presenting myself in an available or interested manner.... Sad, sad, sad.. She knew me from my kids daycare, it would have been nice to tell her what my first name was. Duh!
Oh well.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

AtWitts, you're right where you ought to be right now -- healing and rebuilding your own life. 

Yes, it is better -- you choose better, ideally. Once married, you learn what works and what doesn't work. Really, think about it. None of us does anything perfect the first time -- not riding a bike, not playing the piano, not even buying a car -- why do we think it will be so different when it comes to something huge like marriage?

Diwali is right -- you are young, it's time to enjoy your life and work on your own career and personal growth. If and when the time comes and the right guy comes along, you'll be ready. Good luck!


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

After a 30 year marriage that ended when my x had an affair, my views on marriage has changed dramatically. While raising a family I still think it is the best thing. However, now that I am 52, do not plan on having any children, I see no reason whatsover to get remarried. I am currently in a relationship with a woman who treats me so well, and I her. We constantly joke and laugh and have a great time. She is 46, her children are grown. I could see the possibility of us living together someday, but never married. Why would I? I can leave her my home in my will, I can name her beneficiary on my life insurance if I desire. Why tie yourself up legally to a person if you dont have to. Have a ceremony, get "married" if you want, but to tie yourself up legally again seems to be silly. She by the way agrees.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

After my divorce I realize i want the following things:

1.someone who is ok with only living together part time and still having their own place.
2.someone who is ok with being together but not getting married

Obviously, if I've been dating the same person this way for 5 or more years I may go back and revisit what I want and that may or may not include marriage to the person. 

not many people are willing to do this. the man i'm dating seems happy with the way things are but i will say I've been so happy w/him for the past year that I haven't asked him to go home lol he just kinda brought stuff to my place gradually and it hasn't bothered me one bit having him there with me. 
He seems content to spend all his spare time doing things with me and developing a solid foundation for our relationship.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Scarlet, you're in good company -- Katherine Hepburn said that men and women should never marry, they should just live next door to each other and visit


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## muskrat (Jun 23, 2012)

The important thing is to learn about yourself and the mistakes you made (we all made mistakes that led to the failure of our marriage). If you just blame your ex you will most likely end up in another bad marriage, however if you learn from your past things can be great.
The divorce rate for second marriages is higher than first marriages, to many people refuse to look in the mirror and grow as a person.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

No, is my answer.

In fact, I think if I meet another man who's big dream in life is marriage, home ownership, a bunch of kids, and some cutesy little american pie dream, I'd probably take off on a dead run in the opposite direction.

Dreamers are nice, Doers are better. I'd rather live in a monogamous bed buddies/roomates situation permanently, than add any sort of fancy titles or big love inspired dreams to the mix. 

I lived that once, I had that dream, I'd rather move onward and upward that strive to relive it.


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## AtWittsEnd (Apr 26, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AtWittsEnd (Apr 26, 2012)

It's good to see all of your different views, thank you for sharing your opinions, you all have interesting angles on this.

Lamaga I'm defiantly working on myself at the moment, have enrolled in a course studying to be a nurse and looking forward to moving around the country with my new career soon. *

Although I was with the stbxh for soo long, in recent years he worked away and I guess I got used to having to do things on my own and was allowed a lot of freedom, so although I won't be rushing into anything I feel I know myself well and don't crave the 'me' time many others need soo much after a long relationship.

Unhappy... I overlooked many things in my partner that I know NOW we're warning signs that something like this might happen. *He didn't want kids to start with but later changed his mind but would constantly make negative remarks when our friends started having children , became more & more emotionally withdrawn, didn't get along with his own family.
These and other things would be warning signs to look out for.

I know I'm not perfect.. pretty close though! Lol 

It's such a strange irony that only a year ago my friends were single and I was the married one, now I'm single and all my girlfriends have partners and are 'knocked up'! Lol

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

In a word... no. I do not want to re-marry. I'm at the point where I feel like after long enough...some sort of stupid bullsh*t will crop up with ANY partner. I don't know if I believe in the whole "incompatibility" thing.

As I read in a blog, it takes 2 people to say "I do" and only 1 to say "I don't"


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Heres my take on the issue since Ive been there. I guess I should be looking for "thoughts on marriage the third time around".  Ok, call me the eternal optimist, hopeless romantic or a glutton for punishment, take your pick, but this is what I feel. After the hell I went through after my 1st marraige ended, no way did I ever, ever want to get married again. Ever!!! Several years passed and of course whenever you least expect it... BAM! Along comes marriage #2. Did that one end in D? Well im on here right now, so yeah. There is one thing I have learned, I like being married. Not for the piece of paper you get, thats nothing more than a contract. I like what comes with having a committed monogamous relatinship. I like having the intimacy, the trust, goals, future, and closeness, the whole package. After my experiences I have been through, Im good at being a husband. I had ten of the most wonderful years of my life with stbxw. Im not going to throw out those memories because of how it ended. I wont be callous about marraige because of what my stbxw did. I wont let her take that from me. Look around, TAM is a perfect example. How many of us are in the same situation? Did we do this? Of course were not perfect but overall, we are exactly what others like ourselves are looking for, or expected from our spouses. We cant be the only 2000 people on this planet that understand what vows mean and truly believe in them. They just have to be found. They are out there. If it happens, great. If not... well, thats ok too, but never say never!  my two cents...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My thoughts on second (or more) marriages, is that if people want to remarry, they should go for it.

We get one life so people may as well do the things the want to in it.

However, on a personal level, I am not sure I'd ever marry again. Not sure it's something I want to do. I wouldn't knock anyone who did though. To each their own.


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