# My heart is breaking



## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

This is all very new to me, the forum thing and my marriage of 21 years coming to an end.

I am finding it all so overwhelming I am not sure how to cope.

Maybe I should give you some background ( this may be a bit long)

We have been together since teenagers and have 2 children of 24 and 20. I was always a stay at home mum and my husband worked very hard to provide for us. We put everything into providing for the kids maybe at the expense of spending time on our relationship.

The kids are becoming independent and this seems to have highlighted the big gaps in our relationship, we have not been talking, sex has been almost non-existent and i think we both have been feeling unloved.

I thought after all this time together things would sort themselves out, but 6 weeks ago my husband told me he is no longer 'in love' with me. e still cares for me but wanted to end things so we can both go our separate ways.

I almost begged for him to reconsider but he said there were no second chances and he wont change his mind, but he is still living in the house and sleeping in my bed!

I am struggling to keep myself together so any advice would be appreciated


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

but he said there were no second chances and he wont change his mind, but he is still living in the house and sleeping in my bed!
_____________________________________________

wow he wants his cake and to eat it too.... guess he wants to stick around for something, until he's ready to leave, what is it he wants ???

you should be soooo careful, that he does not try to hurt you rather than divorce.
as his request is kinda nutty. It's like he says one thing and does another !
what is it he wants? time for his GF to make room for him at her place or something? you should ask him why the delay in moving since there are no second chances...
?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

he wants to do the house up before selling it and thinks it will be easier if he stays to do it. 

I have tried to say that if he really wanted to be apart he would have left straight away and he just says he is trying to make it easier for me. If anyone saw the state of me right now it definitely isn't easy. He seems to be the one getting it easy, but i just dont have the energy to fight.

I am certain there is no one else involved, maybe if there was I could hate him, but I dont


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## butterfly77 (Jul 7, 2009)

I am sorry for what you're going through....I am going through similar but we don't have children and have only been married for five years. I do have two children and my youngest will be completely heart broken if we can't make this work.

I don't know what to say because this is so personal for me, just that I am pulling for you! Stay strong!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

He could still fix up the house if he lived elsewhere. 

What's with the no second chance thing? He's had this planned for a long time, girl. 

Definately get him out of your bed! And out of the house. Right now he's not missing anything. He needs to see and feel what he's losing. 

I do know it hurts and as long as he's around...it will be salt in the wound.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Are you ok with selling the house and moving? because after that long, I'm sure the judge would not force you to sell.

btw, I am sorry your hurting, Just trying to figure out what the heck he wants.
Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? as I do believe you should before agreeing to sell the home and move. You could most likely be awarded the home in court and if its paid for or nearly paid for... YOU WANT TO DO THAT
and live there and have him move.
I know your emotional needs are great at this time, but don't lose sight of financial aspects as you dont want to end up starting over because he suddenly decides he wants a divorce.

I would ask the lawyer about him moving out and you living there as mopst often in the divorce, whoever lives in the house, gets to keep it. After being married so long, if you can afford it or its paid for or almost paid for, you should try to stay in the house.
and have him leave since he is the one asking for the divorce.

Sounds to me like he is trying to railroad you into doing what HE wants... as to what will benefit HIM the most.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

dcrim,

you are so right I know, but short of throwing him out he doesn't want to leave, so what do I do. You are right that he has been thinking about this for a while. he told me that since last year he has been unhappy but didn't feel he could talk to me, so instead has just ended it all.

I think it hurts no matter how long you have been married, but looking after him and the kids is all I have known and I cant see what else there is for me right now


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

If you can't kick him out...ask a lawyer what your options are. It may be possible he can be forced out. I don't know, though. Ask a lawyer ASAP.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I should do I know, but I suppose I dont want to upset the kids by things appearing to 'get nasty'.

my husband is not one for showing his emotions and as yet has not told a sole about his decision ( I have!!), and so I think he is putting on a front until the time he is going to walk away


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

am of to get some sleep. All this crying is very tiring!!! look forward to speaking to you all tomorrow and thankyou for listening


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

my husbands ex
got him out....
and kept all his stuff except his clothing.

what she did was start to swing at him and when he tried to stop her and held her arms, she called the police and said he was beating her up.
She then filed for divorce and he was served with papers, the police waited for him at the house while he got his stuff.

She got to keep everything, the house that was paid for, everything in it, all paid for... and he had like 20 minutes to get his clothing and get in his car and leave !
She also kept his tools and he is a mechanic !!! and she won't give them back ! she even kept his bike and rollerblades !!!
She claimed she was too scared of him... and when I met her, SHE IS THE ONE WHO IS A BULLY!!!!
The courts said she had to give him certain stuff, but she didn't, because she knows if he takes her back to court, it'll cost him about 5,000
dollars, more than the stuff is worth.

My uncle and aunt on the other hand, more in your situation, married over 20 years, GROWN KIDS, wife, a home maker/ housewife all the time of the marriage.... he convinced his wife to sell the family home which was paid for, because he said he did not want to have her end up living in it...
They fought and fought about it and he convinced her to sell it and to sell it fast so they could seperate and begin the divorce. They sold it way below market value and the realtor who came out to list it, ended up writing them a check right there, on the spot for it.
They each got 75K... the house was worth at least 200K at the time and 5 years later 250K. It is a beautiful home my uncle built and now, 20 years later worth about 450-500K, which if she still lived there, she coyuld now sell and keep all the money ( her retirement, god knows she needs it, but instead she is living on SSDI in a trailer !!! because of this one stupid thing she did in agreeing to sell the house and move)
I'm sorry but that the end, its all about dividing up stuff.... and it seems maybe he has moved on emotionally much further than you.
I'd sure get rid of the fact he is sleeping in your bed and I'd not worry about how you look to the kids.
Even though you did not work during the marraige, you are still entitled to things too, that you have to fight for them and cause a scene is maybe what he;s counting on that you won't do...
Where are your kids in this? are they also living there?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Thanks preso

Our eldest lives in London and has done for more than a year and the youngest is at university so they are not around so much.

I think that makes it worse as the kids don't really need me anymore and now neither does the husband, feel so alone.

Husband is saying he will be reasonable about money and can have half of everything but his salary is way more than I could ever earn so how do I live if i need to buy a place. 

I have got so much going on in my head I dont know where to start!!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> Thanks preso
> 
> Our eldest lives in London and has done for more than a year and the youngest is at university so they are not around so much.
> 
> ...


don't trust him
make sure you seek legal counsel
and GET IT IN WRITING. 

ps... if I were you and the house is paid for....
NO WAY I'D leave !!! ... and if you state has alimony...
you should file for that too.
You need a GOOD divorce lawyer, even if you have to sell
the furniture to get one !!!
ps, start with the bed... get a small twin bed for yourself.


my situation is nothing like yours but I do know several woman who I have known in real life, some I am related to, who were in your situation.
A lot depends on if you can afford to stay in the house or if its paid for........................... if the house is paid for, you should not move or sell.... as judge will give it to you anyway and also most likely alimony or poension benefits in addition to that.
Don't let him BS you as he has already moved on emotionally so your going to have to be strong and not let him have you make a bad descion that will effect the rest of your life.
And you know since you were married at least 10 years you automatically get spousal social security ( half his benefit) does not matter if your still married to him or not.
Maybe your too young for that, but its something you are entitled to at age 62.
do this right and you could be set up for life 
Don't be like my aunt, who was bullied to make a stupid choice. She went from nice house in the country to trailer park and devistation...
and he went on with his life
and didn't miss a beat. He had a new woman in a week. New woman was 25.


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

mumof2
Sorry to hear what u r going thru. Just went thru this very recently with my husband. He's in the house but we are not selling as we just bought it last yr. I was asked to move out to make things easier while he was trying to decide to stay with his family or go with some woman he has never met in person.:scratchhead:

Anyways it is better to be away from one another. The other thing you may want to think about is counseling for you. You may just realize that he really isn't worth your time after being together that long. I have been with my husband 14yrs & went back into counseling today. I want to know if I actually have feelings for him or not. If I don't then his decision will be made for him. If I do then its good to get it all out of my system. I am still going on with my life. Our daughter is going to be 10 in a week & she doesn't want me to be with him if he doesn't love us. If it wasn't for her I don't know where I would be right now. She is my rockstar. You will get thru this just like everything else in life it is a lesson. Your only given what you can handle remember that.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Am so sorry you are going through two HUGE life changes. Kids not being home to care for any longer and now your dh is doing this.

I would get a lawyer. Find out your rights and the recommendations. Don't take your dh word. It makes no sense a man doing this, he must have someone else on the side.

Older men seldom leave a long term marriage without someone to run to as they age. Men need someone to take care of them as they get older, and usually it is a woman.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> Men need someone to take care of them as they get older, and usually it is a woman.


I don't want someone to take care of me. I just want someone to love. 

Oh! OH! Maybe I'm not old enough yet...?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Thanks everyone for taking the time to help.

Right now I dont have it in me to go to any lawyers, it all seems so raw. I can barely talk to anyone without dissolving into a blubbering wreck, please tell me it gets easier.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Mum, it will get easier. Not overnight or next week or next month; by next year...you will be feeling better. 

I do know the hurt and I know you will heal; although, that's not what you're thinking about right now. 

If you're working, call them and say you have a personal emergency. Take a couple of days off. Cry. Scream. Curl up on the bed and wail. Get it out. 

Then pick yourself up, wash your face and consider what needs to be done. Firstly, contact a lawyer. Yes, they're not cheap (or if they are, you don't want them!  ). 

It is still raw. Just remember that this is the time your stbx knows you are most vulnerable! He's been planning this for a while. Probably has a lot of his ducks lined up already. You need to protect YOUR ASSets. 

I'm so sorry, girl. I do know the pain. I know the heartache. I know the despair. I know what it's like to have your world come crashing down. 

Just breathe in, breathe out. Repeat as needed.  Life will go on, even if it's not the way you thought it would. Just hang in there. Please.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

dcrim said:


> I don't want someone to take care of me. I just want someone to love.
> 
> Oh! OH! Maybe I'm not old enough yet...?


No, you are NOT old enough, yet, dcrim. 

Oh, and part of loving someone IS taking care of them, isn't it dcrim?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

mumof2 said:


> Thanks everyone for taking the time to help.
> 
> Right now I dont have it in me to go to any lawyers, it all seems so raw. I can barely talk to anyone without dissolving into a blubbering wreck, please tell me it gets easier.


Sorry you are going thru this mess. I'm right there with you. PLEASE go see an attorney. Take you box of tissues and go see where you stand! My attorney even keeps plenty of tissues in his office--they are used to seeing the crying.

It does get better. Focus on working on you now. Read self-help books, go to counseling, reconnect with old friends, spend time with family, go to church, etc. Even do detective work--you might be surprised what your husband's activities are. If he is having an affair, you will be the last one to know. I was there too! That and I was in denial.

Hang in there!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I agree sandy55, a bit part of loving someone is taking care of them and that is all I have done for many years.Ironically I have only just started a career in the last couple of years before that I stayed at home and did everything for them all. Indeed I would do anything for them and they know it.

My husband is not that old either, although our kids are 24 and 20 I am 43 and husband 44.

I am going to doctor this afternoon as i think i need some time off work, I can barely concentrate and am worried that lack of sleep might start affecting my work (I am a nurse). Maybe some time alone will help me come up with a plan rather than coming home from work then husband comes in then its all so horrible.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

have got back from doc and he was so sweet. I have got 2 weeks signed off work to try and sort my head out. I am relieved as putting on a brave face at work has been so hard.

Interestingly he wants to see my husband as he thinks it may be him who is depressed. Husband thinks i am, but I am sure crying and trouble eating etc is all normal in the circumstances.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Other people have stated it...but I must state it again....

*THERE MOST LIKELY IS ANOTHER WOMAN!!!*

I say this because in most cases when a marriage ends abruptly with no chance for repair, there is another person in the equation. What other reason is there to not give a 20 year marraige another shot and time to work? I would be shocked if there isn't another woman. And at the very least he is looking and wanting another. 

If you look at a lot of the posts on here that involve cheating, alot seem to start with the unfaithfull one saying they are no longer "in love" and think they will be happier single. At this point the faithfull one believes there is nobody else. Within time (sometimes very quickly, sometimes not) the faithful partner finds out about the other person.

GET A LAWYER!!! We all can't say it enough. A lawyer is so worth the expense. Talk to several before choosing one. Just because you talk to a lawyer doesn't mean you have to DO anything yet. Right now it is about educating yourself and protecting yourself.

Best of luck....I too know the pain....shorter marriage, but lots of young kids to take care of.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

my husband tells me there is no one else and right now I think I believe him. 

He doesn't go out after work or anything and I have access to all bank stuff and there is nothing there. I really dont have any suspicions. Maybe I should. With everyone saying it I am starting to doubt myself.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I hope you are right. Just based on my personal experience: My husband seemed absolutely perfect to me....he always came home from work on time....he never left in the evenings or on the weekends....and out of the blue suddenly he wasn't happy and wanted our marriage to end...no second chance...no counsling...no *real* explanation. Later I found out that....he was looking for months...he was cheating for weeks...it all occured during work hours....he had a prepaid credit card and a prepaid cell phone that I knew nothing about....ect. 

Not saying this is what is happening in your case, but don't count out the possibility that he is straying. Just $20 here and there can go a long ways when you are being carefull and sneaky. Can you really account for every penny spent? 

And cheating does not have to take money. Nor does it have to take a lot of time. It can happen on breaks at work with a coworker, or start from an overly friendly espresso stand worker. 

Just don't turn a blind eye to the possibilities. Afterall, he has already betrayed you and broken your trust in him by not being honest with you about his unhappiness, and not even attempting to fix the marriage.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Men need someone to take care of them as they get older, and usually it is a woman.


I agree if the guy is 65 or over, more so after 80


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I can see what you are saying so I suppose I just sit and wait for the next bombshell.

It feels like I am living on a knife edge, but some time off work will hopefully give me a chance to get my head around things.

The good news is that I have only cried once today, YEAH, so things must be looking up. I didn't dissolve when husband came in from work instead tried to be strong, and am determined to keep this up. 

I cant change what has happened but I can try and have some control over what happens from now on.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

My feelings are he may not have anyone YET... but plans to persue a relationship soon as the house is sold, he moves.

Thats what my uncle did, he had no one until after the divorce
and then within a week, he met someone ( much younger) and it went quickly.
The girl was only 25, and when I met her, she was crazy as a loon, as in a long history of some serious psychiartic problems...
but he didn't care as he had no plans to marry her, just hang out and have a "shorty" around.
Guess it made him feel young.......... come to think of it his ex wasn't the most mentally stable person either.

I say you take CONTROL of the situation and stop letting him be the one calling all the shots, start by telling him to get his own place, then change the locks.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

I think you are doing great under the circumstances. I would say that he does not need to be out after work etc to cheat as previously said. Start thinking about yourself, what you want to do. start going out with friends, and meet new friends. Start the gym, but do something for yourself. He may get a shock if he sees you starting to do what you want not waiting on him coming in from work. etc. he started this not you.

Thinking of you.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Thanks Valium

I do need to start doing other things.

Prior to all this i was a regular at the gym and going out with friends but under the circumstances have not really felt up to it, but my new resolution is to start getting out again.

i have basically been holed up in the house for 6 weeks apart fro work so this weekend is the start of me finding my feet. I think I shall start with the gym again, have lost a bit of weight and it would be good to keep it off!!


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## Conflicted (Jun 24, 2009)

Good luck mum, i hope you find real happiness in your life.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This is a tough blow, but one you can weather and come out happier in the end. Definitely make yourself see an attorney--you need the security of someone looking out for you right now when you are so vulnerable. Then refer all your husband's questions and comments about what to do to that attorney, and get up and out and away from your husband as much as you can each day. Don't abandon the house, however, as preso says; sleep in a separate room and lock the damn door, if he doesn't have the decency to move out of the house or bedroom himself. 

If he is claiming that he is staying to make it easier for you, make it very clear that you would find it easier if he left, then get the attorney to make that happen--with financial support for you pending a final judgment. Get your money's worth out of that lawyer!

I'm sorry this is so hard, but I hope you find happiness in your friends and family.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Everyone is being so kind it is making me cry.

It had been great to get so much support, and although sad for others it is good for me to see there are alot of people going through much worse situations than me. 

I am luckily very close to my sister and brother and have some great friends, but there are still lots of people I havent told yet. My husband has not told anyone yet!!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Well, don't take out an ad in the newspaper, but start letting people know.

When they say "how are you?" tell them you're doing fine under the circumstances. Of course they'll ask what circumstances. Then you can give as much of the story as you like. But start with the basics: my husband's wants a divorce. 

Keep in mind, too, that you may well become anathema to a lot of people who don't want to "get involved" in your situation. This will depend on how close they are and how much you reveal to them - the more you tell, the more likely they are to see you as complaining and not want to be around you. 

So, just the basic "husband wants a divorce" is likely the most you should say. Keep up a good attitude and people will get used to the idea. If they want to know more, they will ask. Don't volunteer everything.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I know I need to start being honest with friends, I am sure they suspect something is up as I haven't been very sociable just lately.That coupled with enormous bags under my eyes and weight loss might lead people to think something is odd. 

I am trying not to burden them with running through the whole saga, it is my business after all. I find the 'how are you' phonecalls and texts quite difficult especially as husband is often here. it gets very awkward. Its also very upsetting, it makes me cry and I am really trying to stop that as it only makes the eyes look worse!!!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Especially if H is around, don't spill all the beans. He'll think (rightly) that you're airing dirty laundry.  

He certainly can't complain about the basics. Just because he hasn't told anyone doesn't mean you can't. 

The more that know without all the saga the more who would be likely to support you.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

In the beginning I refrained from telling anyone the situation too. I guess I was both in shock and ashamed. I started by telling my parents and brothers. They were so supportive and I grew stronger each day. Then, I began telling close friends. I was amazed at how everyone rallied around me. I think you'll feel better when you tell others. True friends will be there for you and lift your spirits You don't have to go thru this alone.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I do feel a bit ashamed and humiliated about what is going on, I cannot believe this could possibly be happening to me. 

the time just never seems right , how do you say it. Have just spent the morning with my sister who knows all, If I didn't have her I don't know what I would do.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I feel as though my heart really is breaking today, little by little.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Mum, just hang on. I know it hurts. Talk, vent, scream.  Let it out.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

have been crying for what seems like hours.

Should be in bed, its way late, but cant sleep.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

aww, Mum... (((*** HUGS ***)))


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I needed that. 

Thank you


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Any time and all the time, girl!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Everyone says your emotions are up and down, and boy am I having a down moment.

I can see no way out at the minute. I am hurting sooooo much.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Well everyone, a quick update for you al incase you hadnt read the other post.

H has said he wants 'to see how things go'. Not quite sure what this means but it is a glimmer of hope I suppose.

I just dont know how to feel about it all, I am not sure I trust his commitment to trying, but I cant do a damn thing but wait.

I am really trying to be positive, but where do we go from here.
Any advice??


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Straight to your nearest pub for some Irish stew and a Guinness (or maybe a black & tan)!  

"See how things go"? I thought he wanted out? So he's changing his mind? Decided it's lonely out there? sigh...your call, girl...I think if I had that door opened on me, I'd see that he continues through it.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Fleming,welcome to the forums!

Yes, it will get easier...but not quickly. Just hang on...it'll ease a bit and then you can think again. Just try to keep in mind those things you have to do to protect yourself.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

dcrim, pub sounds lovely only I dont drink alcohol and dont eat meat!!

God I sound boring, maybe thats where I am going wrong


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

He did want out

then Sunday after a long chat he said he was willing to see how things go. H was making no promises and If he still feels the same in a few months he has promised to be honest with me.

I feel like I have a ticking bomb waiting to go off. What can I achieve in that time, I don't want to appear pushy or desperate, but I want to try and make it work. How much effort H is willing to put in is another matter.

This is so crappy. I just wanted a chance. Now he has given it to me, I dont know what to do. Does that make sense.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Yeah, it definitely makes sense. You spent all this time trying to cope with what you thought was going to happen, and now all of the sudden, you see a little hope... but your gun shy because after all of the pain, you don't want to start it back over again. 

It's up to you if and how much of a chance you want to give him. But remember this, don't do it unless you are really willing to put an effort into making it work. If you are not willing to give it your all, then you might as well cut bait now. 

Then if you do decide to try to make it work, you need to talk to your Hubby and figure out what is going on in his head. Which with most men, isn't an easy thing to figure out. 

But on an aside note, if you do decide to make it work, I wouldn't completely hault anything else you've been doing. The working out, going out with friends, talking to friends and family. And I would still consult a lawyer. To me, he at least had things planned out somewhat. He may be changing his mind, but at appears from what you said that he knew what he was doing. You ever think that part of the reason he wanted to stay around is that some lawyer told him that that the judge will typically award the house to whoever is living there??? Just like everyone on here has told you??????????


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Makes complete sense especially when you're not sure where you went wrong in the first place.

Try and talk to him...see what it is that he's missing...baby steps. What do you need more of? What are you lacking? I love you and cherish you but I can't help fix us unless I know where "we" went wrong.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I had considered that H is just biding his time , and that if he tells me there is a chance then it might make things a little easier, but for him not me.

Maybe H is thinking that he wont then need to move out if he is supposed to be trying!! Am i being too cynical here.

God, I just want to work things out but am so mixed up. I am back at the gym and am off out with some friends tomorrow so I intend to keep on with my life, cos I cant have him take it all away again. (might be crying again in a mo. not good)


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Good morning...er, it's afternoon there now isn't it? These time zones....whew!

He probably is getting cold feet and for some reason not feeling so "sure" of himself. This is going to happen, Mum. He will waiver and then you are going to feel as if you are on either a pendulum swinging back and forth or a roller coaster ride! 

It will drive you nuts. To fix this, just focus on what YOU are doing with YOUR life, EVEN IF HE WERE NOT IN THE PICTURE.

Say to yourself: "What would I do if he were not around...." on a trip or whatever. 

Your man IS on a trip, and not sure of where HE is going..so you need to get in a protective mind-set and say to your own mind: "This is my plan for my day...." 

Then go about your day. You must rather build a bit of a protective layer around your heart so you won't be up and down along this trip with him...


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

From this point on, just think of yourself first. If you put yourself first, and get your head in a better spot, it will only help you, no matter what the outcome. You will be a better person whether he stays or leaves.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

It is middle of the afternoon here, time for a cup of tea I think. Am off sick at the minute so am watching way too much daytime telly.

Am only off sick as a result of current devastation in my life. Its given me the opportunity to plan a few things and think a bit more clearly.

You are all right, I have to focus on me first, and work on thins with H together if that is really what he wants. If not I am making plans already, as scary as that may be, for a life without him. 

I am sounding very defeatist but I think realistic. I would love nothing more than to post in a few months that we were solid and has all things sorted, but who knows.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Actually, I love him but I think I am starting to resent him for all he has put me through


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> If not I am making plans already, as scary as that may be, for a life without him.


This is GREAT right here. 

This is what you need to do. This will make you a better person. This will help you realize that you are an individual, not just a wife to a husband. And that while it might not be easy, you are just as capable on your own as he thinks he is. This is the kind of independence and confidence that will only make you stronger will be great for you no matter the outcome.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Right, now I really am crying.

I have been with H for 25 years and cannot imagine my life without him, its so hard. I have never wanted any of this, but have not had a choice. it really is literally breaking my heart.

Just when I am trying to be positive it all comes back to bite me!!

Despite this, I know I will come out the other side, slightly tarnished maybe


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

(((*** HUGS ***))) Mum...I'm so sorry...


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

The only consolation is that I know things are going to be up and down, so am slightly more prepared.

Don't worry about the crying dcrim, i am well versed in it these days. I am not looking my best it would be fair to say!!

Although am still looking better than H and always will do


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

LOL that's the way, girl...


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Hey guys

Things at home have been slightly easier. H is being more communicative but why oh why do I still have such doubts about him.

We are going together tonight to see our daughter and explain what is happening as both kids have been wondering what on earth is going on(why is dad still in house and doing nothing about moving out is a common question from them both).
Surely that must show some level of commitment on his behalf. Am I just trying to kid myself.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Has your dh ever wandered before?
How old is he?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

No never. He is 44, I am 43.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

He sounds a bit as if he is having mid-life crisis, Mum....

You and he married when he was 19-20???


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Yep.

I have been thinking along the same lines. We were very young when we got together and had kids young. 

We have been through such alot together too, H had a terrible accident many years ago that very nearly killed him, so we had done alot of growing up quickly.

I actually emailed him some stuff about midlife crisis and depression and he actually said that it sounded just like him!!

a breakthrough maybe. He also said maybe he needs some counselling. I have tried not to push it though.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Mum:

I think, between this thread, and the sleeping w him thread, you are truly on to something.

After I put your ages, and life events, kids leaving, empty nest, etc all together, and the fact you say the sex is good and he is into pleasing you...wow.

Has he had problems in the sack, with getting "the boy" up?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

No never to that one too.

Yeah I see what you are saying. I think it is sometimes difficult when you dont have the whole picture.

Heres a brief resume

Met in our teens. Daughter arrived very quickly (slight accident) married when she was 3 and son arrived year later. H was in the armed forces. Lived all over the place. H had terrible accident. H left the forces, having suffered life changing injuries.

H got job, good one and threw himself into being the breadwinner, I stayed home and looked after the house, kids and H. We both had difficult childhoods and devote ourselves to the kids. Daughter goes to uni. We were so close, it broke my heart. I decide to start training for new career and spend 3 years at uni myself.

H finds it hard having do help round house and stuff, in fairness he has never had to do it. I get job, full time 2 years ago. he works hard, I work hard. I come home, go to gym etc etc.

Then my boy goes to uni last year and we have this huge hole in our lives. I miss the kids terribly. H has had several health problems starting 6 months ago, has has 2 surgeries and will need at least 2 more soon. H getting very down, he sees his glass is half empty but I see it as half full!!!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Oh, my heavens yes, he is floundering in his DIRECTION, Mum.

You two have had MANY changes....did you go to nursing school and are working as a nurse now?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Yes. Looking after people is all I know, and I actually very good at it !!!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> Yes. Looking after people is all I know, and I actually very good at it !!!


I went off to nursing school at 47. LOL. 

Yes, I think your dh needs to do some counseling. He sounds as if he needs to sort out his issues with someone, one on one. He may have had a bit of a flirtation somewhere along the line, lately, or been thinking of it...and was backing off from you so as not to hurt you, or thinking he wanted to leave, but in reality does not.

What needs to be reinforced with your dh is the POSITIVES of a long term marriage....and that sort of thing. I don't think you need to be pressuring him, causing him concern, but perhaps show strength and kindness; let him know in a gentle way, you understand his struggles right now...?

My dh and I are having a hell of a time...I am sort of where your dh is...I am seeing life as running very short right now; my dh is having a "turning 60 crisis" and he is having a "can't get it up like I used to crisis". We also have a son having a hard time "launching", just all sorts of "crap" going on that is hard to navigate.

Tell your dh, there are times in life that waters get a bit tough to navigate as there is no book on how to navigate waters we've never crossed before. You two actually have a new slate to start....and you two are analyzing and rearranging your roles, trying to gain footing on slippery stones....

I think you two are going to do well, but he does need to talk through all this without you...in a safe place...a counselor.

Some men don't realize they need a counselor and go off and have an affair because they are not sure "what" the hell it is they are needing at this time in life.

Good luck, girl!:smthumbup:


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

hey and I thought I was the eldest student in my year!!!

I do see what you are thinking that life is passing and are you where you want to be.

I have lots of things I want to say to my husband but am holding back as i dont want to put too much on to him. I am actually really worried about him and his frame of mind. Not sure if he knows this. I want to tell him that we have so much more to our relationship after all this time that means more than the first butterflies that you get when first together.

I look at him and I know every scar on his body. I remember why, how they are there and I remember everything we went through. I understand how it affects him every day without him even having to say anything. 

I will try and talk with him this weekend about counselling. Have found lots in the area so will let him decide.

The one thing I forgot to mention is that his job is on really dodgy ground at the minute too!!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Oh, wow, job issues too? 

My dh had that happen when he was 56, he's been with same company 31 years now. That is why I went to nursing school, we thought his job was going to go down the tubes! At the last minute it was saved......whew. But boy, did HE have a rough four years...we all did.

Yes, I was the oldest in my nursing school class...my goal was to become a neonatal intensive care nurse by the time I was 50. Did it, too! I can't do nursing of adults, peds.....neonates, yes. I like SHORT patient histories!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Resusitating on neonates is so much less exhausting!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

They dont answer back either!!!

I nurse people at home. Do alot of palliative and terminal care as well as routine stuff, catheters, wound care, PICC lines that sort of stuff. I love it too.

Do you know talking to you today I am going to put up a fight. I am not letting all these years go without saying I tried.

I will do whatever I can to help H, but need to look after myself too.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Definitely sounds like a mid-life crisis.

It might not be the best time with the job issues, but you guys are still YOUNG, you need to get out and enjoy some life!!! This is the positive of having kids young. A lot of your responsibilities are gone and you are still young enough and have the energy (and probably the financial capacity) to really do some neat things. Travel, get some hobbies, buy that thing you've always wanted, go out on the weekends...

My wife and I had our two kids young too. And I look at a woman I work with and her husband. Had two kids (boy and girl) very young. The kids grew up, went to school, out of the house, both with very successful careers and lives. Now, they are both in their mid to late 40's and they are making the best of it. They take trips to the Caribbean every year, put in a pool and have parties, go to shows, out to bars, nice restaurants, etc etc etc. and are enjoying life.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I would love nothing more than to do all those things but need to make sure husband wants to do them with me.

We have had a couple of fantastic luxury holidays a while back, our first without the kids and they were great. I want to tell him so much what he may be missing but I dont want to pressure him right now.

You are so right, we have the time, the money to do so much. I want to do them with him, he just needs to figure out if he wants the same.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Its the weekend, and as I put in my other post, I hate the weekends.

I never quite know what to do, how to act. Should I suggest we go out somewhere. Hoping he will take me out for dinner tonight.Actually he would if I asked but I dont want to have to be the one to keep asking. 

I am trying not to put pressure on him, so how do I move things along???


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

What's wrong with asking? In your situation right now, he's probably just as unsure what to do as you are. Sometimes you just have to take the reins. If it's something you want to do. Then go ahead and ask. 

Maybe to something different than you normally do. If you go out to eat, go to a restaurant neither of you has been to. Something that you either haven't ever done or haven't done in a long time. Maybe even something "childish", like riding go-cars or mini-golf or something like that.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Maybe try one of those "love coupons" type of thing...make a bunch of 3x5 cards and on each write something you'd like (or for him) to do. Like going out to dinner. Rip one off every weekend (or however frequently) and give it to him!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

You should DO what I DO! I go by myself to places I want to go! My dh travels for a living and NEVER EVER wants to GO once he gets home after his flights.  

I am a 100K mile traveler ..... alone! Boy, have I had some interesting things happen on my trips! 

Hey, I'll come see you and we will go somewhere...I love to travel. DH does it for a living...I never imagined he'd want to STAY the heck home! LOL.

You could do some traveling and bring back all sorts of fun stories and photos....he may get the urge to go.

Oh, and if I WAITED for my dh to ask me out for dinner, well, hell we'd never go! Yes, it IS tiresome waiting for an invite or a date request! I understand! Especially when one gets requests from strangers and dcrim talking about feeding me grapes and almonds.....:rofl::rofl::rofln the other thread.

Damn you dcrim!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sandy, ROTFLOL!!


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Firstly what in earth does ROTFLOL mean :scratchhead:

Secondly weekend has not turned out to be too bad. We went to the cinema last night, and we are going out to dinner tonight. Things may be on the turn!! 

We have spent the day just chilling round the house, and had a good day. Am feeling a little more positive. (I think)


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Mum, Rollin' On The Floor Laughin' Out Loud


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Really need to get the hang of this forum speak:lol:


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Some of it is particular to this forum, some of it is internet shortcuts.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Well seeing as this is the first forum I have ever been on I think I can be excused


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Of course, girl! We all have a learning curve.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Thats so true,

All of this has been a massive learning curve, the ILYB, finding out that I am not the only person this is happening to and discovering some great people out there who despite the fact we could be complete strangers are willing to guide and support you


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

On this site, this is what you hear. In RL, IDK. Here you only see the problems.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi everyone.

Just a quick update. Am back to work and reality tomorrow. Am actually looking forward to it as I need to get back to some sense of normality, and it means less time to brood.

H has been a little better towards me, so things have been a little easier. He has also been talking about going on holiday, is that good or bad. Why am I so negative!! I so want him to mean it.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi again everyone.

Back at work, I am so lucky to love my job .

At home is a different matter. H has been to see doctor and is being treated for depression. I don't know whether I am happy or sad.I don't want to see the man I love so down.

But who is worrying about me, well that would be me then. How can you live with someone but feel SO alone.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Yeah, that feeling of being alone sucks... It's good that he's being treated for depression. Depression can screw with peoples heads in so many different ways. Maybe the treatment will help him out.

What type of "holiday" are you talking about? A vacation at home, or going away?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Going abroad. Just for a week.

Doc wants him to see a psychiatrist too but he is a bit reticent. I had spoken to GP and told him I was concerned about H mental health and when H had routine appointment he asked him about it. I was so surprised that H answered him honestly, I thought he would walk out. I am very proud of him and hope it helps him, but cant dare to hope that it will help us.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Well, it's a step in the right direction. 

Think of it like this. People that are very depressed have a hard time loving themselves. And when they can't love themselves, it's hard to love someone else.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I know its a start.

I am too scared to start a conversation about 'us' as I am afraid of H feeling pressured. Doc was worried that H would have a breakdown if he didn't get help, so I feel I am tip-toeing round him.

Don't get me wrong I will give him all the support he needs, but it still doesn't change the devastation he has brought into our lives, and I am still reeling from it all. I suppose the depression may explain some of it. 

At the minute I am feeling almost invisible.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

It's hard, it sucks, but if you want to be with him, it's necessary. 

Don't get into too many deep conversations just yet, but don't avoid him all together. He is going on medication, but is he seeing a therapist or anything like that?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Yeah he has started medication this week. I am so pleased he is getting some help, I have been so worried about him. I am not pushing him to see the therapist but will give him a little while to get used to it. 

We are going to book a holiday this weekend, I know he wouldn't do that if he didn't want to go, but I think because I am hurting so much I just cant or don't want to build my hopes up.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Has he said much lately as far as still wanting to end things or selling the house or anything like that?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

No not at all. He hasn't mentioned any of it.

He just says he feels numb.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

The numb feeling sounds like depression type of feeling. And it's probably typical for someone feeling like that to mistake the numb for lack of love. Don't be too hard on yourself. If he truly is depressed, it's VERY likely that it's not that he didn't or doesn't love you, it's more like he just didn't feel anything about anything.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I really thought if he wanted to try that I would be the happiest woman alive. 

So why aren't I. 

I do think he is truly depressed. He hasn't been eating , cant concentrate on anything, no motivation and a whole other raft of things. I think its been going on for some time, but H is so 'stiff upper lip' he wouldn't show his true feelings to anyone.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mum,

the reason you aren't happy even though he wants to try is resentment. It is very common, to feel like he has all the control.

"I don't want to be in the married" OK
"I will try." OK
"I am depressed." OK
"I am going on holiday." OK

Exactly where do you fit in? You feel like what if he changes his mind again. It's like you can't trust him again. 

This is going to take work and time.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Corpuswife, you have hit the nail on the head.

I feel as though I have no control. H is making all the decisions and I just seem to be going along with it all. I dont feel as if I can disagree with anything right now.

I think you are right, I do resent him for what he has put me through. I am so scared of going through all that again, but I am not holding my breath that things are going to work out. 

Its like I daren't even hope


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Hang in there Mum. Hugs. We are here for you.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Thanks so much Sandy.

I know I should try and be more positive, but when I try H just seems to put a downer on things and I feel like I am back to square 1.

Take going on holiday, I said that I would love to go away if thats what he wanted but his reply was that he was doing it because we both needed to get away but there is nothing lovey dovey about his reasons for wanting to go.

Its as if he wont admit to himself or me that he might want to be with me. How do I get through this bloody great wall he has around him.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

"Its as if he wont admit to himself or me that he might want to be with me."

Although this is greatly affecting you, Mum, I think you need to build your own wall as a buffer against his emotional issues right now. Lower your expectations and stop taking it so much as the issues being "you". Rather, it may be "the marriage".

Often people in marriage think "marriage" = the people. It isn't it is like a separate being. There is you, there is him, there is the marriage. 

You are not broken, the marriage or HE is broken. Your side of the marriage is hurting, but you need to keep your emotion as "you". Distance yourself from the marriage.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I suppose I do see his problems as being directly with me. Its a bit hard not too.

I have a hard time as H gives such mixed messages. He takes me out to dinner, next day we seem like strangers. I need to remember he obviously has some problems at the minute but only he can overcome them. I cant do it for him.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

H and I had a long chat last night. I asked him what it is he wants and he replied that he just wants to be happy.

Fair enough, everyone deserves to be happy. H problems are though that even though he has been unhappy with us,he is unhappy at work, unhappy with himself, unhappy with the house and even if we separate I asked him if he thought he would be happy and H said no.

I tried to explain to H that maybe our marriage ending is not the answer, we have been getting on great and we are going on holiday in a fortnight, but he needs to work on the other things too. 

Maybe, just maybe with H now getting treatment for his depression and trying to work as a team, we may be getting somewhere.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Hugs!! 

I know how this feels... I have had to distance myself and it was VERY difficult for me. But he's at least nice now, even tho he says he is still leaving (and better do it quick if he doesn't want to be on the streets with me) 

Just give it time and space. Back up as much as you can, push gently when you think it will help and just try and be as loving, affectionate etc as you can.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Well guys if you check out my new post you will see that its all been lies.


He has been deceiving me for months. I have been such a fool. I defended him to you all.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Mum (((*** HUGS ***)))!!! I read your other thread. I'm so sorry!


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## Devastatedmom (Sep 5, 2009)

DO Not Leave that house. You let him know that you are staying in the house and if he wants to fight that out, you will see him in court. 

I would give him a deadline of leaving, and tell him that it is best he goes and find a place to stay, that might kick him in gear to see what he is missing, but DO NOT LEAVE yourself, once you walk out, then you will not get to come back (in the courts eyes as well.)

Stand Firm- keep busy, I would not help him in any way.....dinner etc....you live you life and let him see you having fun!!!!


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