# Snooped in wifes email



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

So, wifes email was left open and I took a look. Not much of anything out of the norm.

There were two emails, one to my sister (her sister inlaw) and another to a guy friend.

At first I was bothered by what I read, but cooled down after a while and fear I may be over reacting.

Can I bring up these emails in a discussion with my wife, or would I be called out on the snooping thing? 

We have a ok marriage, solid, but not without its low points and our recent low point may have me a bit over concerned or paranoid.

Any comments?


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Depends on why you were bothered.

If you thought something inappropriate was going on, you should bring it up. 

But if she was complaining about you or looking for advice, I'd let it rest, but figure out why she wrote what she wrote.


----------



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

What bothered you about the email?
Do you know this "guy friend"?
What kinds of thigns were said during it?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Depends on the Content of the email.

If she was inappropriate I'd call her out.

Yes, complaining about you to another man is indeed inappropriate
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Sounds like the beginning of an EA to me. 

What is the reason you are at a low point in your marriage?


----------



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

The email to my sister refered to my sisters divorce and offering help/ a shoulder to cry on. The my wife writes " although she and I are solid/good, she does wish sometimes she was independant and alone".

The email to the guy, the guy is a friend from her dog class/school. They talk about the training and diet stuff. In the past we have taken his dog in for the weekend when he was off on vacation. The dog is a huge dog, and bascially a pain in the ass. We dont ask him to reciprocate and take our dogs ever. My wife is trying to get rid of him asking to for us to watch his dog (or so she says). She stated in an email to him, "I must be on your **** list, sorry but the only way I could watch your dog was if so and so (meaning me) wasnt around", I dont expect a reply from you"

That just took me as a tad bit wierd wording for just a friend. 

Maybe I am just over sensitive, but any unbiased opinions would be appreciated. I most often stay silient about things that bother me out of fear of over reacting.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It doesn't sound like anything you need to be concerned about to me. It sounds as though she is not interested in taking in the guys dog and like a lot of people rather than just saying no blames the decision on someone else...in this case you.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don`t really see much there man.

The mention of you about the friends dog just looks like a way for her to tell him no without looking like the bad guy.
I`d be ok with that.

I`ve been married 14 years and sometimes I wish I was independent and alone but it doesn`t mean I`m planning on it.

I think you`re ok .
If your gut keeps telling you somethings up keep your eyes open and maybe show a bit of extra affection and concern for your wife just to keep her honest,


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Those two emails sound more or less harmless. In the first she expresses the occasional desire to be independent. If your marriage has ups and lows like most that isn't much. Maybe you could say this to a friend too. 

The second seems like she is shifting blame for not taking the dog in. Probably to not stress out her friendship to that other guy. If that is all you have on her i wouldn't even confront her about it. If there is something else going on, confronting now would only achieve her to hide better.


----------



## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

tacoma said:


> I don`t really see much there man.
> 
> The mention of you about the friends dog just looks like a way for her to tell him no without looking like the bad guy.
> I`d be ok with that.
> ...


:iagree:

i agree, heck i adore my wife but there are times being alone would be nice but then i snap back to reality and realize how blessed i am. I think it's human nature, i am quite sure my wife wishes she were alone at times too lol.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Well, I'm sensitive to the "I can't do 'x' because _______ won't let me" thing, but yeah, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I think tacoma and Costa have it right on.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Admitting that you snooped is sort of like playing a card in a game. I don't think this is big enough to play that card. See, once you've played the card then she knows you don't trust her which is damaging in itself. Plus she knows she has to be sneakier to avoid your eyes. Many times, you have a big enough smoking gun where it just doesn't matter that you're admitting to snooping and admitting that you don't trust her. But this isn't one of those times. This is more like a smoking slingshot. You don't fight a slingshot with a bazooka.


----------



## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Admitting that you snooped is sort of like playing a card in a game. I don't think this is big enough to play that card. See, once you've played the card then she knows you don't trust her which is damaging in itself. Plus she knows she has to be sneakier to avoid your eyes. Many times, you have a big enough smoking gun where it just doesn't matter that you're admitting to snooping and admitting that you don't trust her. But this isn't one of those times. This is more like a smoking slingshot. You don't fight a slingshot with a bazooka.


i like your analogies


----------



## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

Is this the same guy as from your thread back in February?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/40834-do-i-need-worry-about-possible-ea.html

If so, it's been going on way too long. Seriously, she should find another hobby. Have you guys read His Needs, Her Needs?


----------



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I think your right to let it upset you.
Im just not understanding why she would say "if you weren't around"
That would make me upset.
As far as snooping, Thats transparency.
If she gets mad at you for reading her things than let her know that when you are married that you SHARE EVERYTHING!


----------



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Being independent is fine.
Do it within boundaries.
Why is she wanting to be alone for?
Are you guys going through anythign right now?


----------



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

I guess I am over-reacting as I read the first email about her wanting to be independant, and then the comment baout if I wasnt around. Must have just compounded in my thoughts.

Its the same guy from before, really dont think its more than a freindship. I am over-sensitive to it as I feel our marriage right now is like room mates, only I pay for everything and give her a good life. As long as I am being emotionally and sexually taken care of, these types of things wont bother me as much. They never did before. My wife is a real tom boy type, never has had girl friends and her main hobby is protection dog training, a sport that is 99% guys.


----------



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Roomates?
How has it come to that?

All women need girlfriends.

Why is it you think that she is not fulfilling your needs?
How is your communication with one another?


----------



## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

Minncouple said:


> Its the same guy from before, really don't think its more than a friendship. I am over-sensitive to it as I feel our marriage right now is like room mates, only I pay for everything and give her a good life.


It doesn't sound good to me. It may not be "more than a friendship," but is it more or less than she's giving you these days? She'd be willing to "watch his dog" (whatever that means) if you weren't around, but what does she do for you besides letting you pay for everything?

Sorry to sound harsh, but this has been going on for months. I used to be like that, too, letting things go and hoping they'd just get better on their own. But they won't. I wish somebody had talked to me like this 25 years ago. On your thread back in February, Pandakiss advised you to start talking to the other man (OM) and get involved in the dog stuff yourself. I'd say best case, your wife should find a new hobby, but if she won't, you should start going along with her. You may even have fun, and it's really time for you to do some serious c0ckblocking with the guys there.


----------



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

I feel we have become room mates, just seems like we arent how it used to be, best friends. She puts very little effort in helping us come out of the rut, while I feel I am always trying. Dinner dates, gifts, saying ILU, and that kind of stuff. 

I dont feel I should have to ****block any one. If our relationship is that fragil that another guy could take her away, then I guess I am not the one for her. The whole, I will fight for my wife thing doesnt play well with me. Seems counter productive to what trust means to me.


----------



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

As i can see where yo uare coming from.
If you are trying your best and giving her what you know she needs and what your relationship needs than if a woman came in and scooped my partner away from me, it is probably because he started leaving the relationship before he had physically left the relationship.

you cant make them think act say or do anything they do not want to.


What does she say in response to these gifts you give her, which shows that your primary love language seems to be acts of service.


----------



## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Good attitude. No need to fight for someone and waste that energy. Better to focus on your own self and your own happiness in my opinion.




Minncouple said:


> I feel we have become room mates, just seems like we arent how it used to be, best friends. She puts very little effort in helping us come out of the rut, while I feel I am always trying. Dinner dates, gifts, saying ILU, and that kind of stuff.
> 
> I dont feel I should have to ****block any one. If our relationship is that fragil that another guy could take her away, then I guess I am not the one for her. The whole, I will fight for my wife thing doesnt play well with me. Seems counter productive to what trust means to me.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Scottt said:


> Is this the same guy as from your thread back in February?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/40834-do-i-need-worry-about-possible-ea.html
> 
> If so, it's been going on way too long. Seriously, she should find another hobby. Have you guys read His Needs, Her Needs?


OK, this isn't an isolated incident.

If this has been a problem since February it a bit different than just a single oddly worded email.

Have you taken the initiative to verify this guy is who she portrays him as?

Have you checked the frequency of their communication?
Is it still as heavy as it was in Feb.?(2-3 times a day?)

Have you dug any deeper into this than stumbling across some texts and emails?


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Minncouple said:


> I feel we have become room mates, just seems like we arent how it used to be, best friends. She puts very little effort in helping us come out of the rut, while I feel I am always trying. Dinner dates, gifts, saying ILU, and that kind of stuff.
> 
> I dont feel I should have to ****block any one. If our relationship is that fragil that another guy could take her away, then I guess I am not the one for her. The whole, I will fight for my wife thing doesnt play well with me. Seems counter productive to what trust means to me.


I’m not into the Alpha/Beta stuff much. But believe me that’s real Beta values, beliefs, behaviour and attitude.

Sometimes within a long term marriage the Man drops his game, such that he becomes a man, just another man. Mr Dependable, Unexciting Beta man. That’s how you get to be Plan B, the back-up option.

Within a long term marriage a Man has to be many things in order to maintain the interests of the woman he loves. And those many things include the behaviours of the Alpha Man and the behaviours of the Beta Man. Without that mixture of behaviours you will lose your woman over if any thing her complete boredom with you.

Women need excitement in their lives in order to feel “alive”. You are not exciting her so she seeks her excitement, he turn-on elsewhere. A woman who trains dogs like she does needs perhaps “stronger” things to excite than other types of women. And the types of guys she spends her time training dogs with will be Alpha types, those with a strong need to provide security and safety to others even while putting themselves in perhaps mortal danger.

Unfortunately, relative to those types you are not comparing very well from the excitement perspective. If the Alpha type she is in a relationship with also has Beta Values, then perhaps you've lost the battle for her affections already without even knowing you were in the fight.


So the choice you have is a simple one. Either up your game or lose your wife. It really is that simple.


You’ll never regret upping your game, even if at the end of it you lose your wife.

You will always regret not upping your game and you will regret and possibly lament losing your wife.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, some of your posts come across as if you feel you've done your part and that your wife needs to automatically keep her feelings for you regardless of how circumstances change within a marriage. Things don't remain static as if you two have the same feelings for each other like your wedding day. 

I like to use a garden metaphor when talking about Marital love. I think marital love is much like a young sapling or shrub that the two of you plant together in your garden. One spouse provides the nutrients needed by the plant while the other spouse provides the water. Right up front, if you want your love to grow, both you and your spouse need to regularly work within the garden by supplying the plant with food and water. If the two of you stop working in the garden, the plant will wither and die in a short time. If one of you stops working, the plant will still wither and die, although it will linger on awhile longer because one spouse is still tending it in an incomplete way. So to save this plant from withering and dying, you need to figure out why your fellow gardener is no longer doing her work in the garden, OR you need to figure out why you are not feeding the plant like you should be on your end.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Oh, is that all your wife was talking about? If so, disregard the EA comment I made. 

I concur that the emails were harmless.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OP, some of your posts come across as if you feel you've done your part and that your wife needs to automatically keep her feelings for you regardless of how circumstances change within a marriage. Things don't remain static as if you two have the same feelings for each other like your wedding day.
> 
> I like to use a garden metaphor when talking about Marital love. I think marital love is much like a young sapling or shrub that the two of you plant together in your garden. One spouse provides the nutrients needed by the plant while the other spouse provides the water. Right up front, if you want your love to grow, both you and your spouse need to regularly work within the garden by supplying the plant with food and water. If the two of you stop working in the garden, the plant will wither and die in a short time. If one of you stops working, the plant will still wither and die, although it will linger on awhile longer because one spouse is still tending it in an incomplete way. So to save this plant from withering and dying, you need to figure out why your fellow gardener is no longer doing her work in the garden, OR you need to figure out why you are not feeding the plant like you should be on your end.


Lots of wisdom there.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Minncouple said:


> Maybe I am just over sensitive, but any unbiased opinions would be appreciated. I most often stay silient about things that bother me out of fear of over reacting.


I snoop my wife's electronic communications regularly. I also see stuff I don't particularly like and I accept that a lot of that is really my problem.

I never directly mention anything to he about stuff I have clandestinely snooped. I consider what I have found and I use what I know to help me make decisions and take courses of action. Sometimes this will directly affect the person my wife is corresponding with.

While it is better to keep one's hypersensitivities to oneself, it is a huge mistake to think that there is not a lot of force out there working against you, either by design or by default. Trust only goes so far and trust in itself is not sufficient protection from enemy action and social sympathies that work against your marriage.


----------



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

A few comments:

* Not really a Beta type. Being a large guy (275lbs, and jacked) most are intimidated my me, I own a gun collection that rivals most LE departments, and she has seen me put people in thier places and also put in on hers if needed. I am just more of a quite guy, but have a short fuse if pushed. As far as fighting for my wife, I am not about that. Either she loves me or not, me feeling threatended should not make a difference as to her loving me back. I also hold alot in, and dont communicate. Mainly due to her lack of communication skills. She just throws back insults, even when I use the words " I feel" or I think", I never say "you".

* The garden thing, I do my part to show her I can, and expect her to do hers. I feel her efforts lack, compared to mine and do feel its a 2 way street. We each meet in the middle, not one sided.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You sound like you’re in denial Denial - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. No helping you while you’re in that place. Total waste of time and effort.


----------

