# Hot and Cold Reconciliation



## TheSecretGarden14

Hi all! This is my first time posting on the R board. Basics of my journey to R is I got the ILYBNILWY line in October 2013, a month before having our second child. We attended counseling for two months, he claimed he was 100% back, and we moved forward. I developed postpartum depression and with withdrew completely. I had had a terrible pregnancy and the PPD just continued my miserable feelings. Instead of being there for me. H decided he was done and he left the day before my birthday in January. Since then, I moved out of the family home and into my own place. There had been a lot of mixed signals from him and he admitted to me in March that he had slept with the neighbor. I exposed the affair. I then went completely 180. He tried to keep the children from me once to "teach me a lesson." I filed for emergency custody and won. have fixed my issues and gotten myself straight spiritually, physically, and mentally. Here is my original thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/165866-feeling-tossed-away.html

He started contacting me around the end of June about things other than the kids. He asked that I hold off on the divorce. Told me he still had feelings for me, but he was confused. I agreed to not file on grounds of adultery, but I would still work towards the divorce on grounds of one year separation. We spent the rest of the summer in what I admit was a game of passion without dealing with any issues. We had a major breakdown a few weeks ago in which I found out he had not stopped contact with OW. From the Intel I gathered there has been no more sexual contact between them, but that is most likely becuase she is withholding it. He told me that he had been trying to break it off with her, but that she was not accepting it and had become clingy, jealous, and even slightly physical with him. The communications I found and that provided further matched his explanation. Through digging, I have found out that everything OW ever told us about herself is a lie. She told us many sob stories about her family and past relationship. Made us feel sorry for her, made us trust her, and we let her in our lives. I had suspected my H was a sociopath, but as more and more of her lies were revealed, the depth of her manipulations came out, and her violent temper flared, we have concluded that she is the sociopath (specifically a narcissistic sociopath or possibly psychopath) and we were her targets. I know it sounds crazy, but we think she wanted/ wants our child. She has pinterest pages she started around the time we found out we were having a girl. One is dedicated to baby girl pictures, nursery ideas, and other items for babies. The other one is dedicated to planning a wedding. She meets every single criteria for sociopath. My H is showing every sign of being gas-lighted. He is in and out of a fog similar to the fog of an affair. Except in his case, in moments of clarity he can see what she has done and honestly expresses confusion over how it happened. He says he doesn't even like her most of the time. When in the fog she can still turn everything around to make herself look innocent and misunderstood. He is spending more and more time out of the fog, but he can't extract her from his life becuase of obligations she manipulated him into. He is working to resolve them and attending IC.
We are still working toward R, but it's obviously going really slow. We intend to start MC as soon as she is out of the picture. I still have to stand my ground on that part, but I'm trying to help him through this gaslight fog. I truly love my husband and want to work things out with him. I strongly believe that reconciliation is the path God wants me to take. I get discouraged with the constant two steps forward and one step back, but we are making progress.

I hope to keep this thread updated with our story in hopes that it could help someone else. I know it's a long shot, but does anyone have any advice or similar situations to share?


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## TheSecretGarden14

I just wanted to add that because of the gaslighting fog, one week he wants nothing more than to be with me and have our family reunited and the next she has manipulated him into believing that we (his parents and I) are making stuff up because we are jealous of the fact that they are soulmates and we don't want him to be happy. Seriously, his words and he has no idea how crazy he sounds or even remembers saying it when out of the fog. We can always tell when he is in the fog because he becomes blank, like a zombie or robot, and he just says whatever she did like recording. It's actually really creepy and at times I'm scared of what she is capable of.


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## TheSecretGarden14

Today started out great and ended really low. We took a family day trip and had a ton of fun. Then, we went to the park with the kids and while our oldest was playing we talked. During the talk he told me he had added her back on facebook. This hurt really bad. I told him that he was disrespectful and a step back when we were making progress. He said I wanted things to happen quickly and that wasn't going to happen. I told him I knew this was going to be a bumpy road, but that if we give 100% it will happen on its own time. He said there were things holding him back and I just didn't understand. I told him I wouldn't understand until he started opening up to me, which I am trying to be patient about. It makes it harder for me to be patient when she is still a factor. As long as he is trying to remove her from his life and I see progress, I can be patient, but no forward movement makes me doubt his genuine desire to reconcile. 
He then broke down and said he messed up really bad and she could be pregnant. I calmly asked if she had tested and he said it was negative. She is supposedly going to the doctor in two weeks. We have been working on things for five weeks and there was only one week in the middle where she pulled him back into the fog. If it was before the last five weeks she would definitely have a positive test. If it was during that one week then the last possible time he could have been intimate with her was 17 days ago. If that's true she would still test positive. I am not stupid. I have not slept with my husband since we started an honest R instead of the mess we did at the beginning. I also realize that he could have seen her sometime in the last 17 days, but that wouldn't even lend to a plausibility of being pregnant now. Science is good. Haha.

I broke off our current reconciliation and told him that I am strong enough to help him and forgive him, but I'm strong enough to walk away as well. If I have to walk away, I will remain his friend and be there if he needs me. If he decides that he is willing to give 100% we can attept again. However, this time he has to show progress before I will even consider it. That means going back to IC, proof she is out of his life, full transparency (instead of just checking his phone, I want passwords to everything including phone company and work phone an email. We work for the same place so this shouldn't be an issue), and MC until I feel safe, respected, and communication has improved. So now, back to the 180. I'm going to move forward, take care of myself and the kids, and grow my relationship with God. If he decides to catch up, that's his choice, but I'm not going to stop living in the mean time.


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## GusPolinski

Kick him to the f*cking curb.


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## Redfisher

GusPolinski said:


> Kick him to the f*cking curb.


This ^ And do it now....


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## TheSecretGarden14

I know y'all probably think I'm crazy, but I took everyone's advice to heart and I do all the the thing the books say to do. I know that we aren't a special snowflake couple, but I do believe we are in a more complicated situation. 
If he were a sociopath, I would be out of here. No looking back.
In this case, the OW is the sociopath. I was her first victim. She gaslighted me and I didn't wake up to it until the day he admitted the PA. Here is what she did to me:
She was our neighbor. She became my friend. We got really close to the point I considered her one of my best friends. I liked her because it was easy to talk to her. She always asked questions and actually listened. We both had crappy childhoods, which was something my husband never understood about me, but almost 100% of my friends come from similar backgrounds as me. She was so excited for the birth of my second child. She planned a surprise baby shower for me! She told me the horrors of her past, I supported her through her breakup with her boyfriend. She is still married to this day, but she explained that her marriage had been over for years, but she kept letting her H move in out of pity and it restarted the one year separation. Claimed her husband was on drugs, had gambling problem, and their house was foreclosed with out her knowledge. Claimed boyfriend was abusive and caused her to have a miscarriage. Slowly she started influencing my way of thinking. When I would tell her how I felt about something, she would use her habit of asking questions to put doubts in my head. I now know that none of the sob stories are true. I have physical an personal proof none of them of them are true.

When WS left, she stood up for me when I was too depressed to help myself. She convinced me to leave our home because he would miss us. I did. Not knowing that the whole time she was pretending to be my friend, she had been secretly working on my WS. I left on Feb.9 and he moved back in. She immediately went after him and denied it vehemently. The first time I accused her, she called me crazy and said she was offended I would question her integrity. She made feel like the worst person in the world. A week later, my WS admitted the PA, she denied it with both of us standing there. When she broke, she played the victim with,"this is what I get for trusting people, I guess I only attract guys that want to use me. That's when I woke up, but it was a while before I put a name to her issues.

Now what she did to WS:
All while she was pretending to me my friend, she would always make sure she shared her sob stories while he was around. When she went through her breakup, she would ask me if he would help her with some random yard work or fix something for her. He is a automechanic and very handy so I thought nothing of it. Just being neighborly. Then she stopped asking me and went straight to him. I found out later that when I had my postpartum depression, he went to her for advice as my friend and that's when they started messaging. She gave him attention when I couldn't, comforted him when I couldn't get myself together, and he admits it became flirting on both sides and crossed a line at the beginning of December. He says he told her they needed to stop and he did. He tried to commit to our already struggling marriage and she wouldn't stop. When he left (which I do believe was not exactly about her, but he thought of her as an option since she was showing him so much attention), she swooped in. She immediately started showering him with gifts, cards, taking him to dinner, and sitting with him at night when he was lonely. Basically monopolizing all of his free time. She took him out for their first date on Valentine's Day, just 6 days after I moved. Then, the it switched from EA to PA around the first of March. She told me multiple times before the confrontation that she had slapped him for calling her names, which he had never done to me. He confirmed this, but said it was because he refused to talk to her or wouldn't do what she wanted him to do. I found out about her serial affairs with 5 other married men during her 2 year separation. She gave him sob stories and reasonable excuses for each one and he took them. She would send me pins on pinterest that said things like, "I know he loves me, because he chooses me everyday." I blocked her, but not before seeing the baby girl board she created right when we found out we were having girl and the board where she was planning their wedding a month after going PA. She convinced him his family hated him because they didn't agree with what he was doing, she told him her family would support them no matter what. She gave him erroneous legal advice and convinced him he needed to try to take our kids from me before I did it to him and he lost big time. She told him she was a Christian and that God wanted them to be together so she could save him. Said they were soulmates and no one really loved him except her. She pretty much replaced all of his thoughts with hers.
My WS is your typical "nice guy". He can be a jerk sometimes, but he was kind, giving, did anything and everything to make people happy, had high integrity, and strong values. He was an eagle scout and loved playing with kids. He loved his family and friends. That's who I fell in love with and that is who he was until she got a hold on him. I know he is still that person. People change, but not that drastically or quickly. He did a lot of thing in the beginning of the separation that made me think he was on drugs. During the emergency custody case, I won, and was able to get a drug test, complete physical, and psychological evaluation. He passed everything. Except the psych eval noted that while he seemed to be of sound mind, there were signs of coaching or newly learned behaviors. That there were things he said and did that did not come naturally and seemed to be forced and controlled, but not second nature. 
I fully believe with all my heart that we were targets. We both have good hearts, we always see the best in people, and we are too trusting. I see glimpses of the WS I fell in love with. I know in my heart he is still there. He just can't get out of the gaslighting fog. I have strengthened my faith in God. I had turned from him and was very close to convincing myself I didn't believe. Through this journey, I have reconfirmed my belief whole heartedly. I have asked for guidance on this and I was led to 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient, love is kind...I know I have the right to divorce biblically, but the bible also says to forgive as God has forgiven you, love as God has loved you. To me, as a Christian, this means that if I am to love and forgive as God does and follow the teachings of Jesus, that I should extend that to my WS as I would any other person, if not more. "What God put together, let no man tear asunder". 

Now, this doesn't mean I have to be a doormat. It means that if he is truly sorry, asks for God's forgiveness and accepts his grace, proves to me through all the normal lines that he is changed and/or willing to continue change, I do not have to divorce him. Through God, we can save our marriage. I would never give up on a friend that was going through this. I would do everything in my power to save my friend from a sociopathic relationship, I would be there for them in the fall out, and I would never judge them for things they may have said or done while in the fog. So why then, would I do differently for someone I stood up in church for and vowed my unending love? I may have to love him from a distance right now, and we may never reconcile, but it will not be because I stopped believing in who my WS was, is, and could be. It will not be because I failed to love him and help him in his darkest time of need. It will only be because God decided different paths for us. As long as I follow my bible, things will work out just the way they should and no matter how they workout, I will know it is by Grace.


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## TheSecretGarden14

BTW, standing up for myself is one of the issues my "team" has been helping me rectify. I won't be his doormat or anyone else's. Money well spent if that is all I get out of it.


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## commonsenseisn't

I just don't get what compels you to stay engaged in this mosh pit of lunacy.


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