# My husband fantasizes about other women



## JayLynn (Jun 4, 2018)

My husband admitted to me that he sometimes thinks about other women while we're having sex. This really bothers me. Is this a normal thing or do I have a right to ask him to stop?

I understand you can't help dreams but daytime fantasies are controllable. 

As a bit of backstory, I discovered several months ago that he'd developed a crush on my younger sister and that was very painful so I could just be extra prickly in this area. He swears he's over that now though and I hope to heck he's being honest.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are you and your husband? How long have you been married? This is disturbing and creepy about your husband having a crush on your younger sister. Does your sister know and has he displayed this affection to her? How did you know about his feelings towards your younger sister?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

JayLynn said:


> My husband admitted to me that he sometimes thinks about other women while we're having sex. This really bothers me. Is this a normal thing or do I have a right to ask him to stop?
> 
> I understand you can't help dreams but daytime fantasies are controllable.
> 
> As a bit of backstory, I discovered several months ago that he'd developed a crush on my younger sister and that was very painful so I could just be extra prickly in this area. He swears he's over that now though and I hope to *heck he's being honest.*


His honesty cost him..
Some thoughts should never be revealed.

Thoughts are 'that'.
Thoughts are not actions.
Actions are 'those' thoughts taken one step further.

From no motion to motion of one's eyes, one's hands, one's toodle-dueler.

I can excuse your husbands thoughts.
Not his words.
His stupid, careless, carefree honesty.

He needs a zipper...
Not to hold back his Oscar wiener.
To hold back his Oscar winning, cuts both ways, loose tongue.

It shows that words, letters and syllables are able to crack an egg, crack a marriage.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's normal, it's common. Not everyone does, of course, and many won't admit that they do; many find it disturbing, even if it is normal. If he hadn't told you, would you have any idea that he did this?


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## JayLynn (Jun 4, 2018)

I'm 38, she's 35 and really beautiful and flirty. I'm pretty too (I think), but all the men I've ever known find her "hot". We have been married 16.5 years. I discovered it because I could sense the attraction between them and I noticed he'd changed the password on his phone so on a hunch I typed in her name and it unlocked. I confronted him and he broke down and admitted everything to me. We've been working through that and he's been doing his best to make amends but it's still always there in the back of my mind.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He is trying to make you jealous.

Trying to get you to 'up' your game.
Trying to keep you off balance.

He has a cruel streak within him.

What an Idiot.


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## JayLynn (Jun 4, 2018)

If he hadn't told me, no, I wouldn't have known. It kind of came out because someone asked me if I did and I said "no" and then I asked my husband if he did and he said "yes". Then I kinda grilled him for a few details so, to his credit, at least he didn't lie. Although, sometimes I wouldn't mind if he did lie, lol.


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## JayLynn (Jun 4, 2018)

I don't think that is his motivation. He isn't cruel. An idiot, maybe, lol. He doesn't really care if I think about other guys so I think he doesn't understand why it would bother me. He figures if it's just in his head but not action then it's not a big deal. But I'm the type of person that wants loyalty all around and I don't know if that's an unreasonable expectation or not.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Wait a second. Your sister was texting him? It's not just that he thinks she's ''hot,'' but they have a mutual attraction?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

JayLynn said:


> If he hadn't told me, no, I wouldn't have known. It kind of came out because someone asked me if I did and I said "no" and then I asked my husband if he did and he said "yes". Then I kinda grilled him for a few details so, to his credit, at least he didn't lie. Although, sometimes I wouldn't mind if he did lie, lol.


I think it is great that he felt comfortable enough to be that open with you, I think it's the sign of a very good relationship, and maybe a result of the situation you described with his crush on your sister. Maybe that situation reinforced in him that absolute honesty is always the best policy in a marriage. 

It is very normal by the way especially when you've been married more than 10 years.


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## JayLynn (Jun 4, 2018)

They did text, but mainly just about kid stuff and questions about vehicle issues. He's a mechanic and our kids are friends. She claims the feelings were not mutual and she didn't realize she was flirting. She has toned that down a lot when she found out the effect she was having on my husband. 

It's just that he'd made the password to unlock his phone her name, that's when I knew something was not right.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

This is an EA.... He is stupid. and your sister....if if if she is participating in any way is betraying you too. Honey yes he is being honest and GOLD BADGE TO HIM!!! but his truth is (in my mind) a deal breaker. And if it is not then you need to cut your sister out of your life, because a thought is a thought, but a repeated thought is a wish, and a wish has intent. 

If he has been fantasizing then he is just one good opportunity short of an PHYSICAL affair. 

This is a serious matter and you should stop patting him on the back for honesty. Because he was honest about it means that there is likely MUCH more to find out.  People like to be honest up to a point. It eases their conscience.


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## JayLynn (Jun 4, 2018)

Thank you. That's what I'm hoping. Ever since the thing with my sister we have been trying very hard to be more honest and open with our communication with each other. Our sex life and our communication weren't the best before, but things in both areas have actually improved a lot so it hasn't all been bad. And I really do believe him when he says he doesn't see her that way anymore. They just happen to have very similar personalities and he went through/is going through a midlife crisis I believe. Anyway, I'm not making excuses for him as he made me very hurt and angry, but I do think we have grown and learned a lot from the whole experience.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

JayLynn, how old is your husband? My 80 year old mother talked to me one day and told me to never trust any woman, including my sister (7 years older), with my husband. This talk was a result of my asking her secret of staying married with my father for over 60 years. My father never cheated on my Mom. Watch your sister carefully. This is not over yet. Your sister is encouraging your husband's behavior. He feeds her ego.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

JayLynn said:


> Thank you. That's what I'm hoping. Ever since the thing with my sister we have been trying very hard to be more honest and open with our communication with each other. Our sex life and our communication weren't the best before, but things in both areas have actually improved a lot so it hasn't all been bad. And I really do believe him when he says he doesn't see her that way anymore. They just happen to have very similar personalities and he went through/is going through a midlife crisis I believe. Anyway, I'm not making excuses for him as he made me very hurt and angry, but I do think we have grown and learned a lot from the whole experience.


It is MUCH too early to be thinking you dodged a bullet and came out wiser on the other side... You are in denial and obviously it's because you don't want this to be more than they have admitted to. 

It is okay.... we do understand


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

JayLynn said:


> My husband admitted to me that he sometimes thinks about other women while we're having sex. This really bothers me. Is this a normal thing or do I have a right to ask him to stop?


Is it unusual for a man to have those thoughts? Not at all. What is unusual, is for him to *tell* you about them. He's either being deliberately cruel and disrespectful or he's as dumb as a rock. I hope for your sake it's the latter.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I may have missed something....but you said he admitted to other women as in several different and then it just goes into your sister. Has he told you the other women?



JayLynn said:


> My husband admitted to me that he sometimes thinks about other women while we're having sex. This really bothers me. Is this a normal thing or do I have a right to ask him to stop?
> 
> I understand you can't help dreams but daytime fantasies are controllable.
> 
> As a bit of backstory, I discovered several months ago that he'd developed a crush on my younger sister and that was very painful so I could just be extra prickly in this area. He swears he's over that now though and I hope to heck he's being honest.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

JayLynn said:


> My husband admitted to me that he sometimes thinks about other women while we're having sex. This really bothers me. Is this a normal thing or do I have a right to ask him to stop?
> 
> I understand you can't help dreams but daytime fantasies are controllable.


Nowt so queer as folk. Who cares.



> As a bit of backstory, I discovered several months ago that he'd developed a crush on my younger sister and that was very painful so I could just be extra prickly in this area. He swears he's over that now though and I hope to heck he's being honest.


Very insensitive to say that to you and very stupid to allow himself to do.


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## JayLynn (Jun 4, 2018)

Roselyn said:


> JayLynn, how old is your husband? My 80 year old mother talked to me one day and told me to never trust any woman, including my sister (7 years older), with my husband. This talk was a result of my asking her secret of staying married with my father for over 60 years. My father never cheated on my Mom. Watch your sister carefully. This is not over yet. Your sister is encouraging your husband's behavior. He feeds her ego.


He's 40. I do believe her ego liked the attention, but I just have no idea what to do. We can't cut her out of our lives because she lives down the street and our kids are all friends. We live in a tiny town where none of us would be able to sell our houses as the economy sucks at the moment where I live. I've snooped his phone periodically since then and found nothing to concern me and whenever I ask him to avoid situations where she'd be there without her husband or me he complies without complaint. He knows he screwed up and was very remorseful. And like I mentioned, they don't flirt with each other anymore. 

I am always watching though and I hate that I feel so obsessive about it, but I can't help it.


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## JayLynn (Jun 4, 2018)

Volunteer86 said:


> I may have missed something....but you said he admitted to other women as in several different and then it just goes into your sister. Has he told you the other women?


Yes. Just random fantasies about other women. I don't even know who, to be honest. I think just random people. It only came up because of a question someone had asked me and he was there so I asked him in turn. He didn't just volunteer this info out of the blue. I was just wondering if it was bothering me more than most because of the whole thing with my sister in the past.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Nobody is dumb enough to say something like that to their spouse without thinking of the blow back. I agree with SunMars, he said it intentionally to make you jealous. Kind of cruel, did it work?


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## JayLynn (Jun 4, 2018)

threelittlestars said:


> It is MUCH too early to be thinking you dodged a bullet and came out wiser on the other side... You are in denial and obviously it's because you don't want this to be more than they have admitted to.
> 
> It is okay.... we do understand


I know. I'm an optimist, but for my own sanity, I have to believe it's over. I won't let it ruin my whole life and I have our kids to think about. Do I trust them alone together? Hell no, and I probably never will.


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## JayLynn (Jun 4, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Nobody is dumb enough to say something like that to their spouse without thinking of the blow back. I agree with SunMars, he said it intentionally to make you jealous. Kind of cruel, did it work?


I guess it did because I am upset about it. I'm just not sure if I should say anything to him about it or let it go.


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## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

I've thought of other people. I would never say anything


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

"Hi JayLynn, can you put Mr. JayLynn on the phone, please?"

"Oh hi, Mr. JayLynn, uh, just a word of advice….keep your damn mouth shut!……k, bye"


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

JayLynn said:


> If he hadn't told me, no, I wouldn't have known. It kind of came out because someone asked me if I did and I said "no" and then I asked my husband if he did and he said "yes". Then I kinda grilled him for a few details so, to his credit, at least he didn't lie. Although, sometimes I wouldn't mind if he did lie, lol.


Many posters have said it was stupid of him to admit it. I can't decide if that was stupider than you asking a question you didn't want to know the answer to. I guess I will decide you are a good match for each other.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm still trying to get my head around that your sister flirted with your husband, and she didn't ''realize'' at 35 years old, what flirting is. lol And that your husband used her name as his password. 

I think that you really need to start looking at people as who they ARE, and not who you wished they'd be. Your sister sounds like a jerk, who knows exactly what flirting is. I get it, she's your sister, but to flirt with your husband is really indefensible. She knows better. It's not like a 20 year old...she's 35. 

All of this said, fantasizing about others isn't unusual. I think men and women's minds drift sometimes. I don't always think about the moment when I'm having sex with my husband. That doesn't mean I'm not into him completely or the moment, but my mind might drift into other things.

I think your husband has bad boundary issues, honestly, and having a mid life crisis isn't really an excuse. I hope your marriage gets better, and you receive better treatment from him and your sister. It's sad that your sister and he can't be in the same room without you or her husband, without the potential of flirting?

I would move away.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

JayLynn said:


> My husband admitted to me that he sometimes thinks about other women while we're having sex. This really bothers me. Is this a normal thing or do I have a right to ask him to stop?


No, not normal (IMO). Difficult to know how this might progress. You might hear the ILYBINILWY speech soon or it may be just a temporary phase.
The only times I thought about other girls was when I was with someone I wasn't that attracted to. 
With wife (very attracted), I would have to fantasize about other women in order to delay the orgasm.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its not right to think of having sex with anyone else when we are having sex with our partners. I would call that mental adultery. Believe it or not we can control our thoughts, and our minds need to be on the one we are having sex with. This is one of the many reasons I hate porn, because it encourages this.

As for his thing with your sister, neither of them seem to have good boundaries.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

@Diana7

Yep, yep, yep. I have a hard time understanding thinking about someone else while having sex with the one you love. 

Were it me, I would tell my sister to watch her step as karma is a *****. Then I would tell my spouse the same damn thing. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Hate to break this to you but most men fantasize about other women, even during sex. My wife's face has never appeared in any of my fantasies. Why would I fantasize about something I have in real life???? It is like owning a Rolls Royce and fantasizing about driving a Rolls Royce. 

Fantasizing is healthy and normal. My wife does not fantasize about me either. Sometimes we need to fantasize about someone or doing something to get over the edge. I encourage my wife to fantasize about other men and women, (she is bi) because I am the beneficiary of the results of her fantasies and that is fine with me.


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## Goose54 (Feb 11, 2018)

> What an Idiot.


some things you JUST don’t say...”do I look fat in this dress?” HELL NO baby, that makes you look sexy as f—k, I almost want to tell you to go change. Not to make like of your situation but some things just should not be said. Although I think you need to address changing the PW on his phone.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Does your sister have a husband? If she does, have a chat with the husband. Both of you on the same side keeping an eye on that pair will ensure nothing untoward happens.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Its not right to think of having sex with anyone else when we are having sex with our partners. I would call that mental adultery. Believe it or not we can control our thoughts, and our minds need to be on the one we are having sex with. This is one of the many reasons I hate porn, because it encourages this.


Not trying to debate the merits or evils of porn (and fully admitting that porn usage can be destructive), but would dispute that it encourages fantasy thoughts during sex specifically about another person. If anything its an outlet for those feelings outside of the marriage bed and probably makes it *less* likely for a guy to fantasize about another woman while with his wife. Different and more daring sex acts probably but that's a different thing and maybe a different problem...

I'd think the guy who doesn't watch porn and has no other fantasy outlet is actually *more* likely to develop a deep fix because his mind is the only place that can entertain these thoughts. And that's far more powerful and dangerous frankly.

All that said - as a man I don't think I've ever not been fully present with my wife. Maybe it's because I find my wife to be crazy hot or maybe it's because my lizard brain takes over, but i've never been so bored that I needed or wanted my mind to drift anywhere other than what's right in front of me...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

JayLynn said:


> I don't think that is his motivation. He isn't cruel. An idiot, maybe, lol. He doesn't really care if I think about other guys so I think he doesn't understand why it would bother me. He figures if it's just in his head but not action then it's not a big deal. But I'm the type of person that wants loyalty all around and I don't know if that's an unreasonable expectation or not.


Oh yes he would....

If you told him you found this guy and that....hot...

And that you wanted to put them on and in.... wear them out.

He would care...believe me.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Wait until you are married 46 years like I am. Also, my wife and I shared a girlfriend and even when in bed with both of them, I still sometimes fantasized. Even threesomes get boring after the first thousand.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Not all men fantasize about other women during sex. I'm not even sure how that would work.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

JayLynn said:


> Yes. Just random fantasies about other women. I don't even know who, to be honest. I think just random people. It only came up because of a question someone had asked me and he was there so I asked him in turn. He didn't just volunteer this info out of the blue. I was just wondering if it was bothering me more than most because of the whole thing with my sister in the past.


Just trying to picture how a question of this nature popped up in a social situation. Are you accustomed to people asking personal questions about your sex life?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

PigglyWiggly said:


> Not all men fantasize about other women during sex. I'm not even sure how that would work.


I would imagine pretty God awful if he were to slip up and call his wife by the name of the woman he's fantasizing about.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Vinnydee said:


> Hate to break this to you but most men fantasize about other women, even during sex. My wife's face has never appeared in any of my fantasies. Why would I fantasize about something I have in real life???? It is like owning a Rolls Royce and fantasizing about driving a Rolls Royce.
> 
> Fantasizing is healthy and normal. My wife does not fantasize about me either. Sometimes we need to fantasize about someone or doing something to get over the edge. I encourage my wife to fantasize about other men and women, (she is bi) because I am the beneficiary of the results of her fantasies and that is fine with me.



Many men don't do this because they know its wrong. As a woman I would never fantasise about having sex with another man when my husband and I are having sex. Its like being unfaithful. Just as many of us dont look at porn for the same reasons.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Fantasizing about other women is normal (IMO). However, your sister ain't "other women." And the password thing is creepy.

Have you tried kicking him in the [email protected]? Won't change anything - but might make you feel a little better.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

JayLynn said:


> My husband admitted to me that he sometimes thinks about other women while we're having sex. This really bothers me. Is this a normal thing or do I have a right to ask him to stop?
> 
> I understand you can't help dreams but daytime fantasies are controllable.
> 
> As a bit of backstory, I discovered several months ago that he'd developed a crush on my younger sister and that was very painful so I could just be extra prickly in this area. He swears he's over that now though and I hope to heck he's being honest.


Can't believe the idiot told you! WTF was he thinking? At some point in time, many people do this, but not a word is uttered.


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## JayLynn (Jun 4, 2018)

threelittlestars said:


> It is MUCH too early to be thinking you dodged a bullet and came out wiser on the other side... You are in denial and obviously it's because you don't want this to be more than they have admitted to.
> 
> It is okay.... we do understand


What you posted here has stuck with me and unfortunately, it turns out that you're right. He started chasing her again. She even told him to forget and back off and he still kept chasing her. She told me she even felt a little stalked. My marriage is over but this time I'm more pissed than sad. My poor kids.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yeah that would gross me out....your sister! I would be paranoid all the time I have to admit. Plus him using her name as a password...that is pushing it!


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Your sister is sick...your husband is despicable. I am so so so so sorry. I did not want to be right, I never want it. This place unfortunately makes fortune tellers of us all when it comes to infidelity. 

My heart is breaking with you. Vent away, and talk it out with us. 

I also recommend you tell your family. Exposure is the right thing when it comes to this crime. 

What an arse.... Im so sorry.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JayLynn said:


> What you posted here has stuck with me and unfortunately, it turns out that you're right. He started chasing her again. She even told him to forget and back off and he still kept chasing her. She told me she even felt a little stalked. My marriage is over but this time I'm more pissed than sad. My poor kids.


 Thats just awful for you. So sorry. :frown2:
Remember that she initially was part of it, even if she has backed off now(so she says).


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I think the majority of men have done this at times. Doesn't mean we would act on it in real life. But in your husband's case, it something more. He's actually REALLY sweating her. He changed his password to her name? That's starting to sound like obsession.

It appears that your sister was getting caught up in the attention. Luckily, she now realizes that it meant more to your husband. With him trying to reopen the communication channels after getting busted, he needs to detox from the dopamine hits he got from trying to be naughty.

I recommend that you start working on yourself. Start working out, take care of your appearance, It will help you feel better about yourself and snap your husband out of spell.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

JayLynn said:


> My husband admitted to me that he sometimes thinks about other women while we're having sex. This really bothers me. Is this a normal thing or do I have a right to ask him to stop?
> 
> I understand you can't help dreams but daytime fantasies are controllable.
> 
> As a bit of backstory, I discovered several months ago that he'd developed a crush on my younger sister and that was very painful so I could just be extra prickly in this area. He swears he's over that now though and I hope to heck he's being honest.


I had a crush on my wife’s younger sisters. It isn’t that shocking of a thing. They look a lot like my wife and act like her. Of course there is going to be some attraction. I wouldn’t act on it. Although for various reasons I am no longer attracted to either.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

When I was 15-21 my (former) Brother in-law had a thing for me. Being young I never really understood the hints my older sister (9 years older) would drop here and there. One night they were obviously corrupting me and smoking pot at night and my sister called out her then husband for having fantasies of a threesome with me and my sister.... I was very uncomfortable. Even more so when I was in my twenties and he hung around and talked with me for hours alone while I worked in my sister business. (I would help out and get paid under the table) 

I was always skeeved out (when i realized he was trying to screw around with me). but not before. 

She divorced him for many reasons. He was abusive, so was she im sure... But i bet he was abusive first. He cheated A LOT... so yeah. Guys that chase their sister in-laws are messed up.


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