# A little something to introduce my self



## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

My name is Chris, I live in AZ. I have been married for 6 years and have been with my wife for almost 9 years. I have a lot of problems, so let me begin by saying that we are separated...but we have to live together because of the financial situation we are in. Let me explain.

I lie, I have lied my whole life. I have hurt people, but I didn't care because I was feeling good with what I was doing. I was talking to women that weren't my wife/fiance and since it was just talking I didn't see it as cheating. I had a previous relationship before my wife that I just came to the realization that it made me bitter. She started seeing her ex husband behind my back while I was on vacation so when I got back she broke it off. I was blind sided and hurt. When I started dating my wife, I wasn't ready. But I wanted to be with someone, and she made me feel good so why not?

The cheating began about a month after I asked her to marry me. I asked for some picture of a girl who I had met on a car forum and she sent me naked pictures. I didn't think anything of it and didn't tell my wife because it was my business. There have been instances where I have invited girls out, talked to women (dozens) about inappropriate things through out my marriage. I also didn't think I could express my feelings or emotions with my wife because I was afraid. She was basiclly yelling at me to do so, and I ignored her.

The breaking point was 2 events. She wanted to text friend on my phone since she didn't have hers so I gave it to her and she scrolled through my texts and asked me who every one was, and then she started reading the texts and that was that. I don't know why I didn't erase them, I think I wanted to be caught. Maybe it was the thrill... I'm still not sure. But she wanted to leave right then and there. We talked, and we decided I would come clean about everything...and I almost did. I still held some things back...my biggest mistake ever when I had the chance. We were good for 2 weeks then a lie that I knew was out there came to light again. And not only did my wife make me move out of the house, but I ended up hurting 2 of my friends who will never speak to me again. 

There is so much more to story, and I will will reveal more as time goes on. She doesn't like me, she doesn't love me. I don't deserve it right now. She also doesn't believe anything I say is true because I have done this before...the whole lying, getting caught, saying I'll never do it again...then do it again. So there is nothing between us right now. I have found a local therapist, I have accepted God in to my life for the first time, and I'm continuously talking to my wife about things and how I feel. She doesn't care, but she does listen. 

I hope on this board that I can find people who have been though this, have suggestions or ideas on how to proceed. I know I have problems, I know that I change, though I didn't want to before. She is worth everything to me, and I will do anything to get her back. This is not some elabraote game that I have played before, this is something completely different, or at least to me it is. She's not any where close to even being friends with me, let alone be with me. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope to get some advice! Take Care!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I wish you luck - you should realize you have a long road ahead. My stbxh sounds like you with the lying - he lied to everyone and I saw him do it I just never thought he'd do it to me (right). I need to tell you that type of lying - almost for the thrill of it or to see how much you can get away with - is scary. It also shakes the lied to spouse to their very core. You not only lied but only gave half truths and lied to cover lies - do you see where I'm coming from?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh and words from you to her right now are just that - words. You lied to her remember? Actions are going to speak louder than words in your case and its going to take a lot of time - if ever - for her to trust you again.


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

I know I have a long road ahead. She is everything to me, and I will do whatever it takes. She said there is no gurantee that the things I'm doing will get her back, but I have to try. I have to better for myself. If she sees it in me, then I know we can do something about it. If not, then I'll be better for the next person. I don't want there to be a next person...she is my person.


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

what was the extent of your stbxh's lies? were they similar to mine?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

CChambers said:


> I know I have a long road ahead. She is everything to me, and I will do whatever it takes. She said there is no gurantee that the things I'm doing will get her back, but I have to try. I have to better for myself. If she sees it in me, then I know we can do something about it. If not, then I'll be better for the next person. I don't want there to be a next person...she is my person.


Well give it your best shot & she has been upfront about the fact that she may not be able to forgive you so you know where you stand. Shes going to need to see changes but shes also got to figure out for herself if she can trust you again and only she can decide that. There may have already been too much damage done. What I don't understand is if you loved & cherished her that much why did you feel the need to lie to her?


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

I really can't give you a straight answer about that. I know I love her, I have always loved me. She has brought out so much good in me that I'm such a better person now. It was all my fault to continue to be selfish and prideful.

Lying is something I have always done. I could get out of any situation with lies. I was an only child with no consequences for my actions, and I would get away with more of my lies so why stop? At least that's what I thought

My wife always upfront about everything, she never hid who she was..ever. I was the one hiding. I was the one afraid to share my emotions and feelings. She did nothing to deserve this. She supported me, helped me, everything and I threw it back in her face 10 fold.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

CChambers said:


> what was the extent of your stbxh's lies? were they similar to mine?


Yes & more. We were married almost 25 years & we married right before I turned 20 & he was 22 so I saw a lot. The reason we are seperated now is because he left me for a woman he has known for 20 years. The year before he left he lied about where he was- weekend "business" trips - charges on his credit card - when I asked him if he was cheating 8 months before he left he lied to my face and said no. He lied when the mileage didn't line up on his expense reports. That was only the past 18 months. God only knows how much more there is that I don't know. If you go back even further I saw him lie to people to get out of doing things. I saw him lie to get out of trouble with his boss - parents - co workers. He was infamous for making promises he knew he couldn't keep. I could go on for a while but I think you see where this is going. Did I answer your question?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

CChambers said:


> I really can't give you a straight answer about that. I know I love her, I have always loved me. She has brought out so much good in me that I'm such a better person now. It was all my fault to continue to be selfish and prideful.
> 
> Lying is something I have always done. I could get out of any situation with lies. I was an only child with no consequences for my actions, and I would get away with more of my lies so why stop? At least that's what I thought
> 
> My wife always upfront about everything, she never hid who she was..ever. I was the one hiding. I was the one afraid to share my emotions and feelings. She did nothing to deserve this. She supported me, helped me, everything and I threw it back in her face 10 fold.


There is the connection - my husband was an only child too. His parents believed everything he said - the sun rose & set with him. He got away with everything - his parents never thought he was a liar - they would defend him if I would bring it up. They used to say " he may be a lot of things but
hes not a liar".

I can see where that mentality comes from. If you just keep getting away with it then why not keep doing it? At least you see how wrong you are now and how hurtful it can be. I'm no psychologist but I sort of see lying as a drug in extreme cases. You do it to make yourself feel good. Its almost like a "rush" when you get away with the lie. I'm not even sure its a malicious thing - I don't think you're doing it to intentionally hurt the other person - your doing it for yourself and that's when it becomes dangerous because just like an addict - you can slip right back into old habits if you're not being treated.


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

Yea you did. Him and I sound very similar. Though I feel bad for the next woman that he lies to because I don't think he sees it as a problem. 

I have identified my problem, I know it's a HUGE issue that I have to work out. People have described me as a sociopath, though I have some of the signs I think I just have tendencies. Socioapath's never admit to having a problem, or needing to get help. I have stated both those things as facts and I currently have a therapist appointment for next week.

My wife thinks that I will never change, and I feel like even if I do everything correctly that it won't matter. I give up very easily and I have to say that this is very discouraging to me. To know that I can do everything right, and still not get her back. I did ALOT of damage..and I consider my old self dead. He doesn't exist anymore. This is the new me, one who is open, honest, caring, truthful, respectful and kind.

We were married young too, I was 22 and she had just turned 21. We planned it that way so she could participate in the toast with champagne. I think for me it was something that I thought I should do, meet someone..get married. That was what life was all about. I have never been so wrong in my life. I had no foundation, no basis for a relationship let alone a marriage.

I want one so bad, and I want one with her. I can see my future clearly...I just hope she can see the same thing one day you know?


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

no one has anything else to say?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Don't let anyone label what you are except your therapist. My cousin is a therapist & she gets very upset when someone makes a major assumption like that because as she tells me "there are too many tangables" only a psychologist or psychiatrist can make that diagnosis. That being said from what I had read I thought the same about my husband (she corrected me and feels hes a narcissist). 

I think for this to truly work for you - you have to do it for yourself only. You just said you are discouraged because she doesn't believe you can change so you clearly aren't doing this 100% for yourself. There is too much room for a slip up if your doing it for someone else. This is all you.

I think right now you have to stop thinking about the end result being a reconciliation and think of yourself becoming a better person. If she does find it in her heart to forgive you then its a bonus.

I wasn't 21 but I still had a drink lol.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Don't let anyone label what you are except your therapist. My cousin is a therapist & she gets very upset when someone makes a major assumption like that because as she tells me "there are too many tangables" only a psychologist or psychiatrist can make that diagnosis. That being said from what I had read I thought the same about my husband (she corrected me and feels hes a narcissist).
> 
> I think for this to truly work for you - you have to do it for yourself only. You just said you are discouraged because she doesn't believe you can change so you clearly aren't doing this 100% for yourself. There is too much room for a slip up if your doing it for someone else. This is all you.
> 
> ...


I would agree with this 100%


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

I'm doing it for me, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't doing it for her and the hopes of a relationship. I have to live with her, work with her, go to friend get togethers and family trips with her...I have to see her so how can I not be hopeful you know?

When talk about normal things, which is a rare thing now a days, I find my self feeling happy. I know it's a lie, that she's not believing anything I say just listening and reacting it's the feelings I miss. The normalcy.

I know it's not an official diagnosis but it's what I feel is right. I know the doc will tell me what is really wrong and we can work from there but I feel I need to put some sort of label on it right now to bring it into perspective. Is that wrong of me to?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> I would agree with this 100%


Thank you


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

CChambers said:


> I'm doing it for me, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't doing it for her and the hopes of a relationship. I have to live with her, work with her, go to friend get togethers and family trips with her...I have to see her so how can I not be hopeful you know?
> 
> When talk about normal things, which is a rare thing now a days, I find my self feeling happy. I know it's a lie, that she's not believing anything I say just listening and reacting it's the feelings I miss. The normalcy.
> 
> I know it's not an official diagnosis but it's what I feel is right. I know the doc will tell me what is really wrong and we can work from there but I feel I need to put some sort of label on it right now to bring it into perspective. Is that wrong of me to?


Yeah I think it is. I understand the need to understand things - I'm the same way - but in this case don't do it. That's just more your therapist will need to work on. You have a big issue with lying & you need to get to the root of it - that's all you should walk in the door with. Then go from there.

I can understand your need for hope and how the constant contact makes it hard not to think you're doing this for her but really try to break that way of thinking. Do this for you and you have a better chance of success. If you pin it on her reactions then the minute you don't see a positive reaction from her or something you percieve as positive you will slide backward.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh and also its not fair for her to think your doing this for her. That's putting pressure on her which she doesn't need. I think shes been through enough for right now. This is your journey right now - not hers.


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

Well today there are some interesting turn of events.

Regarding my dad, he talked to me last night. He said that I'm blood, that he loves my wife like a daughter but that if she wants to leave then she's out of a job. He will use the money that he pays her (remember we all work together) to make sure I'm taken care of. I was really shocked. I knew he would let her go if we actually end up divorcing but the coldness in his voice really caught me off guard. How is it fair that because I did some of the worst things ever, that my wife gets left on her ass with no job, and no prospect of a job?

I shared this info with my wife, because I'm not hiding anything any more. And she kind of knew it was coming, but she made a decision based on it. She's not divorcing me. She is actually going to try to like me again, against her will. We are going out tonight for dancing and drinks to one of my shows that happens to be on this side of town and she is joining my family for prime rib tomorrow. I know she hates me, doesn't want to be around me...but she is forcing herself to do so. I'm going to change my plans to be better now that I know she isn't leaving...but it still feels fake you know?

I wanted to work hard, earn back her trust, and we would build something together that could be great. If I failed, I failed but at least I tried. I don't really know what to think of things right now...has anyone else had experience with something similar?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

This sounds like a disaster - you may not like what I have to say right now but here it goes. 

You are saying that your wife will stay now because she is going to lose her job if she doesn't. You also say she has no prospect of getting a job. You acknowledge she is doing this against her will. Do you realize what that is called?? Blackmail. Do you really think she will ever forgive you at all now? She will most likely end up resenting you even more. If you gave a damn about her - go to your father and tell him how YOU screwed up. How your lying is what caused her to want to leave. Take some responsibility - is a more attractive 
quality than blackmail.

What do you mean you are going to change your plans to be better now that she isn't leaving? Are you saying you wont bother trying because you've got her where you want her? I really don't like what I'm hearing from you - its a recipe for disaster.


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