# No desire to work on things...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Been trying to avoid my wife since our last discussion. In fact, I'm actually quite happy now that she decided to be a stubborn b-tch about things - I can avoid seeing her. I find it strange how my desire for my wife went straight down to zero since the incident on V-day (BDSM fail). I'm seeing my wife today when she arrives to pick up my daughter, the usual, if she tries to talk to me it's just going to be 'meh' talk.

Am I in emotional lockdown again? *sigh* If so - this is the second time and only 3 months of seperation! Is this normal? Right now I'm hovering on the decision to either stand firm until she decides to take some responsibility for her own actions, or just call the whole reconciliation thing off because quite frankly I've lost the desire.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Kinda like oil and water. You can introduce them but they will never mix.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, we just had a talk this morning and this arvo for lunch. She says she misses me and wants things to go back to normal, I told her that things won't ever get back to normal unless she acknowledges what she did on V-day. She replied that she's sorry BUT (*sigh*) had good intentions to re-earn my trust. So I told her the same thing; forsaking safewords isn't a good way to regain my trust. She accepts that and apologises but said that she just thought if she could show me that she wouldn't hurt me even when I'm submitted to her that I would be able to trust her.

She then said that we should get over this incident and get back to normal and suggests we avoid BDSM, and I told her that I'm not sweeping this under the rug, but yes we will be avoiding BDSM. I asked her what her counsellor said and she said it's private. I asked if she put her up to this and she replied no. I told her that we're at an impasse, that I'm angry with her no more but I'm not interested in going forward unless she realises what she's done.

She told me that she's always been honest with me and that she does realise what she's done but just wants me to understand that she had no malicious intention and that's it. She says that she's not trying to defend her actions but just wants me to forgive her and not to think of her as some evil b-tch.

I told her I need time, but before she left me with my kid she told me that she loves me and if only I could see that and trust her. Whatever. Sad really, it's a waste because she looks really good this summer. Oh well, back to the hand.


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## biola (Dec 28, 2012)

You really are a funny,RANDOM dude.Lol!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I try, keeps the stress off


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I for one am very attached to my hand.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ok folks, it looks like this is as far as she will go when it comes to the incident. She's agreed to no BDSM and doesn't want to lose me over it, but is she really sincere with her apology? It's all the "sorry but..." things that is making me hold back. She's still defending her intentions, but has apologised for her actions. I really don't know what to do with her anymore really.

It's not exactly easy for me to decide what to do now, on one hand she's got a sadistic side, sexual addiction issues... on the other, she's a loving, committed and loyal, non-materialistic tall leggy blonde bugging me for company and is seeking help.

My brain is lost, and have to somehow make sure I don't think with my second brain. Cause my second brain wants to ram something right about now. *sigh* Oh well, at least I'm still sexual! Was worried for a second really


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It really doesn't matter what her intentions are. It's her actual _actions _and _beliefs _that are a problem. As long as it's "I'm sorry, but..." and "but I didn't intend to hurt you..." you are still unsafe in this relationship. 



> she just thought if she could show me that she wouldn't hurt me even when I'm submitted to her that I would be able to trust her.


She wants your total submission with no possible exit for you should you become uncomfortable or in pain. I don't know anyone who would give themselves up like that. Children and animals are really the only ones who are stuck in situations like that, where they are completely powerless and at the mercy of their parents decisions and behavior. Adult men? Not so much.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, her defence to ignoring safewords is that she let me go anyway. I don't know... maybe I'll ask her what she did with the cuffs, and give her hint, if she's serious about reconciling she'll not only say "ok BDSM off the table, it causes too much damage", but ACT on it by throwing it away herself. Maybe then I'll be more open-minded. But chances are she'll probably fail.

What to do now? She's txting me everyday and I can't evade her forever, sooner or later she's going to be go nuts at all my indifference. Or maybe I should wait for that?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Well, her defence to ignoring safewords is that she let me go anyway.


Only when SHE was good and ready with complete disregard for you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well... what can I do? =/

Still stay in the dark?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If I were in your shoes, I'd be out of there so fast. And I'd be filing for sole custody of my kid. There's just no way I'd open myself up to her kind of abuse yet _again_. And I'm not just talking about the BDSM fails.

Your wife needs years of therapy before she can begin to have a healthy relationship. You seem to still have some tenuous hold on what a healthy relationship is supposed to be, but you're losing it, too.

But that's just me and my opinion.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I've only mentioned the bad things about my wife on this forum, she does have redeeming qualities; loyal, loving, good mother, good homemaker, beautiful and fun (on our good days). And it's not like I'm planning to allow her to restrain me anymore.

Our sexual dynamics have changed last 3 months, it's just this one big fk up. It's difficult to figure out where to go from here =/


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Well, I've only mentioned the bad things about my wife on this forum, she does have redeeming qualities; loyal, loving, good mother, good homemaker, beautiful and fun (on our good days).


This is exactly what people say about their abusive spouses..."he's so wonderful when he's not drinking/belittling/beating me!"

Some things are too heavy to be outweighed by "redeeming" qualities.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, if I can find myself another hot, loyal, loving, non-materialist, playful, fun woman who gets along with my daughter then things would be easier. But as it is, I don't want to throw my wife away and lose a chance at something good only to regret it later in life.

She's only abused it once, years ago before marriage. I've done my share of damage as well; I cheated on her once before marriage. Since marriage our primary issue was the sex frequency; I want 1-2x a week she wants 3x a day. But we're dealing with it and we've made progress over the last 3 months FINALLY - after seperation.

Until this... it's not so easy to justify walking away from this.


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

RD. Do you need to have a replacement lined up prior ending it with your wife ? Are you really afraid no other women can live up to her good qualities?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't know, on one hand if she gets over her issues she can be the perfect wife and mother, on the other hand she's nuts and her issues look to be for life even if she is seeking help. My problem is her attitude, it turns out I can't get anywhere with her without breaking her. I'm not interested in breaking her again, she's been through enough from me as well.

She wants that incident swept under the rug but I know if I swept it under the rug it's going to be her excuse to try to sweep other crap under the rug like what we've done last 4-5 years. Also, it's VERY hard to find a good woman here in the big city, aside from her issues she's been loyal and non-materialistic, two very rare pluses.

I would feel better if I was more mobile, if my options aren't limited to the city so my options post-divorce won't look so damn grim. Or I can always import like what some of my mates do; import a country girl, import an overseas girl, import an interstate girl, avoid the sydney woman mentality. They won't change because the guys enjoy it, they gladly pay for everything, they have accepted materialism.

I haven't, I can't, despite my finances now I spent most of my life poor, and I will ALWAYS have that humble mentality. So to accept a woman who loves only my money or my ability to provide is alien to me.


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

As I have told you before, you do not have to make a decision now. There really is no ticking time bomb. You are already separated, after what she did to you, healing yourself is a priority over sex. If she cant accept that, then you KNOW she is not worth having.

Things are never going to be the same, you both need to accept that. They can change and there is a very slim possibility for the better. You have said "I don't know" more times than I can count. You are not ready to decide yet.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This indecisiveness is killing me, also makes me weak, wife has her tentacles out it seems too when I'm like this. I tried to be strong but after 3 months of hope only to have my heartbroken on V-day has done its toll. I was vulnerable and stupid.

She says she's angry not at me but at all of this and wishes V-day never happened yet refuses to take responsibility and give me a genuine apology rather then "I'm sorry but", she also seems to blame me for the guilt that she suffered over the incident 4 years ago (no, she says she's not angry at ME... pffft), she says she's been living in guilt all these years and all she wanted was for me to trust her again.

Why the f--k do I feel like I'm the male spider and she's the female spider in this case? Why can't she see that? Why won't she listen to her counsellor, she used to be our MC she should be helping her!


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

I am going to leave the whole guilt thing to others. I somehow lost that gene over the years. I don't feel guilt towards adults, children yes.

The WS always pulls the "You feel bad ? How do you think I feel, with all this guilt I have been feeling for so long over what I have done ?" Total BS and I don't buy it. Poor me I cheated on you. 

You are the male spider. She can't see that because she has severe mental issues. Sounds to many of us like a psychopath, but not qualified to make a diagnosis. You don't know what the councilor has said to her or what she has said to the councilor. I doubt, she is being honest on IC. Even you have wanted to play games with your IC. She is not going to get fixed or anywhere near it in a mater of months, maybe years if ever. 

You want a resolution now. You are not going to get it. 

How is your IC going. Would love to hear what your IC is telling you.


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Going from sex regularly to nothing at all does result in system shocks.
> 
> My wife has resigned herself to solitary confinement it seems based on what I hear and I'm going nuts myself.


Tell me about it. Been there. You survive. Put your big girl panties on. Probably wont be the last time in your life either.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

IC's focusing on me and trying to shift my thoughts to me at the moment. I have alot of responsibilities and I've neglected them, for example my staff are complaining about the minimal hours on the first week of march because I haven't been doing anything and it's impossible now to get the functions happening at this time. I need to work on my own depression. I'm letting myself go.

You're right though, as for guilt... You're right, there's no excuse for her actions on V-day. I still find it rather ironic how everything went well for 3 months then on V-day we started spiraling downhill over a BDSM epic fail. I feel bad myself, she resorted to christianity when I met her and over the years I've pulled her away from her faith and the help that she could have got from it (or have I? I don't know)


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

You cannot let her destroy you. Right now focus on your business and healing you. You are no good to your daughter broken and any possible reconciliation with the wife will fail (for you). If your wife cannot understand that you need time to heal, she is not worth having. 

Are you exercising? Eating well? Limiting alcohol, drugs etc? Having fun with male friends ? (not girl hunting and drinking, but watching sports, playing sports, hiking, hobbies, whatever you into, etc). 

Where do you get this idea she need to be broken to get anywhere with her? This all sounds like a power struggle between you two. Healthy relationships are not a power struggle. 

I take it you are not a Christian. That makes things very difficult in this relationship. There are many pitfalls when one turns to religion to fix themselves instead of focusing on themselves. Some tend to shift some of the burden to God and his "Plan", some lean on the power of the clerics who will undoubtedly fail them eventually, some can use it to just focus their mind away from their problems. I am not trying to say religion and faith are bad but lets face it they can be used for less than healthy reasons. 

I will say this, if you find anything anyone ever says about your religion an affront to your faith or a challenge to it, you have bigger problems than what the person said. You did not pull her back from her religion, she pulled back. If she finds she needs Gods help, he is still there. I don't know what Christianity is like there but over here is has increasingly become less about fixing yourself and helping others and more about helping yourself and fixing others. Thus the nexus of religion and politics that is strangling our nation right now. We are just a few days away from imploding. 

Just out of curiosity, what was the time sequence of your infidelity, incident 4 years ago and marriage? Seems like a lot went down in a short time frame. What are the connections ?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm mostly trying to avoid everyone and just try to do my job at the moment. At work some are glad at least for a week's break, but for others they are living tight. I'm not being of help to anyone when I let myself go like this. Today I woke up and decided to get my sh-t together and try to make sense of things.

When my wife is stubborn it's impossible to get anywhere with her, that's just how it is. Eventually we do come to terms, but this is yet another one of those times when no compromise is available which makes it harder. Either I give in or she does. Obviously me becoming a sexual doormat again is not going to happen, so I ain't compromising and sweeping this under the rug until she actually realises in that skull of hers that I simply don't want to hear these BUTS after her "sorries"

As for my past infidelity it was over a year before marriage when we were just bf/gf, what went down was when we started being mates again and one thing led to the next. Her demands for me to perform lest she spits her venom didn't start until marriage during the time when I was working 2 full-time jobs.

As for her religion, I respect her faith, it's not my place to tell her what to or not to believe. In some cases our beliefs align especially over the years but it has led her astray compared to who she was when I first met her. She was happier then at least, except for her loneliness despite always being around people. She was the black sheep that knew how to play the white sheep.

But seriously, a Christian man may actually would have been better for her, if only she gave them a chance, guess she was young and stupid by going for the cool dude with tattoos who rocked up trying to hit on someone else for a 3some with my then girlfriend heh... *sigh*

Seriously what happened? One minute I had an open relationship with a gf I didn't give a sh-t about, the next I had an emotional affair with a mysterious churchie girl who turned out to be more interesting then I had first thought, and suddenly a few years later I'm married, own a business, and have a 4 yr old daughter.

... and that is why I quit alcohol!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Maybe you said the safe word wrong maybe?

fluggaenkdechioebolsen

Now, hopefully you learned how to say it correctly the next time. BTW, did you get your free T-shirt from her?

RD, you've been posting for so long and it's been nothing but one big drama from post to post. Is this time finally the last time or are you going to cave again and start the process all over again?

BTW don't import an overseas girl, they all know the game now a days and how to work the system/laws to their advantage.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well I ain't caving that's for sure, one of us has to give but I can't afford to lose this ground. If this ends our marriage so be it, she'll leave me no choice. Balls on her court even though she thinks its on mine.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well,you say you both need a new fresh start.Could you both sit down and talk and write up a agreement that you both follow and will make each of you happy.You both sign it.i have done this in the past with the wife when she went spend crazy.Try holding your ground with her.She knows your breaking point.You both 
do love each other its just not perfect but nothing is.


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> Well,you say you both need a new fresh start.Could you both sit down and talk and write up a agreement that you both follow and will make each of you happy.You both sign it.i have done this in the past with the wife when she went spend crazy.Try holding your ground with her.She knows your breaking point.You both
> do love each other its just not perfect but nothing is.


:rofl:

She cannot honor a safe word. She will wipe her *ss with that piece of paper.


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