# After 5 years OW's husband calls me.



## Devastated an lost

After all this time we've finally started to get past his A. Things have been going pretty good. Then last week I get a call from Ow's H. It has taken 5 years for her to finally come clean with her husband. She has been lying about what happened. In the beginning she denied anything happened, Then 1 and a half years later she admitted to oral. Last week, After 5 years of knowing she was lying & her story changing every time he questioned her, he told her he was done. She finally came clean & told him everything. He started digging & was able to get my number some how.

He called & wanted to compare story's to make sure she was telling the truth now. So he starts telling me what she told him. Instead of 6 months she said over 8. My H told me they had sex 3 times & I knew he was down playing it & it was probably at least double that, She said at least 50 times. He had a friend they would go to his house on his lunch our at work & that they had a threesome with him one time. I'm floored. He has bent over backwards to make things right with me. He has tremendous gilt & remorse. I haven't said anything to him yet. To be honest I'm not sure if I want to go through this all over again. Not sure how to handle it...


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## Marc878

Devastated an lost said:


> After all this time we've finally started to get past his A. Things have been going pretty good. Then last week I get a call from Ow's H. It has taken 5 years for her to finally come clean with her husband. She has been lying about what happened. In the beginning she denied anything happened, Then 1 and a half years later she admitted to oral. Last week, After 5 years of knowing she was lying & her story changing every time he questioned her, he told her he was done. She finally came clean & told him everything. He started digging & was able to get my number some how.
> 
> He called & wanted to compare story's to make sure she was telling the truth now. So he starts telling me what she told him. Instead of 6 months she said over 8. My H told me they had sex 3 times & I knew he was down playing it & it was probably at least double that, She said at least 50 times. He had a friend they would go to his house on his lunch our at work & that they had a threesome with him one time. I'm floored.* He has bent over backwards to make things right with me. He has tremendous gilt & remorse*. I haven't said anything to him yet. To be honest I'm not sure if I want to go through this all over again. Not sure how to handle it...


If he was truly remoursefull you'd gave gotten the full truth.


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## BigToe

If you have made the decision to reconcile, look at what he has become, not what he was.


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## Devastated an lost

That's what I've been thinking. We've got 38 years invested. This was a one time thing & there was a lot going on in his life at the time.


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## re16

Cheaters cheat. Cheaters lie. Why do you keep believing him?

He's been lying to you the entire time and you now have proof.

You say this affair one time thing for him, reality is it was actually the one time he got caught. How can you be sure there are not others when this degree of lying is occurring?

All the guilt and remorse and hard work was not true reconciliation because he knew he was lying. It was a false front. He said what he had to to get you off his case and it worked.

You've been duped. Probably more times than you know.

I think you should tell him that you talked to OW's husband and see what he has to say. ASAP. Life is too short for this kind of BS.

This is your D-Day #2. There likely will be more to come.

I am sorry this is happening to you.


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## re16

BigToe said:


> If you have made the decision to reconcile, look at what he has become, not what he was.


He was a cheater and a mediocre liar. Now he is a well practiced liar.


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## 3Xnocharm

Devastated an lost said:


> That's what I've been thinking. We've got 38 years invested. This was a one time thing & there was a lot going on in his life at the time.


Sorry, but having sex over 50 times with the same woman is NOT a one time thing. Personally, I would be DONE after learning this truth. He has LIED to you during your R, as someone else said, if he was truly remorseful you would have had the WHOLE TRUTH. You and the OWH need to kick your cheaters to the curb. And what kind of lame excuse are you giving here that there was "a lot going on in his life at the time??" Some of us have been through all kinds of hell at different times and didnt use that as an excuse have sex outside of our relationship!


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## Devastated an lost

I confronted him the minute I found out the first time. I did a lot of things wrong. I have a lot of regrets because I was in such shock I was incapable of handling it the right way. So I thought I'd take the time to let myself process this. I'm not saying I'm not gonna confront him, But I know he cheated. I'm just not sure if it's worth dredging all this back up because I didn't get all the sorted details


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## re16

Devastated an lost said:


> I confronted him the minute I found out the first time. I did a lot of things wrong. I have a lot of regrets because I was in such shock I was incapable of handling it the right way. So I thought I'd take the time to let myself process this. I'm not saying I'm not gonna confront him, But I know he cheated. I'm just not sure if it's worth dredging all this back up because I didn't get all the sorted details


You know he is going to lie and gaslight more.

If you want to get this over with, have the OWH give you his wife's number and just call the OW. Let her tell it to you. Then confront.

Once you hear what she has to say about all the negative things he said about you and how he loved her, you'll be done.

Why was the OWH asking her about this so much during the past five years? Your husband and OW must have been in contact.

In fact, your husband probably already knows that the OW finally came clean and that it is just a matter of time before he is busted.


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## SadSamIAm

Devastated an lost said:


> I confronted him the minute I found out the first time. I did a lot of things wrong. I have a lot of regrets because I was in such shock I was incapable of handling it the right way. So I thought I'd take the time to let myself process this. I'm not saying I'm not gonna confront him, But I know he cheated. I'm just not sure if it's worth dredging all this back up because I didn't get all the sorted details


If you know that you won't leave him, then I would suggest you not saying anything. 

How many years do you have left in this world? Do you want to spend it dredging up the past and having conflict or do you want to enjoy the time you have left on this earth? I am sure that after someone cheats on you, you will never fully trust them again. You will be watching what he is doing and where he is going forever. That goes with the territory. Just keep doing that and enjoy your life.

If you are going to leave him, then doesn't really matter if you bring it up or not.


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## 3Xnocharm

So you are going to bury your head in the sand and pretend you havent been being LIED to for the last 5 years?


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## sokillme

Devastated an lost said:


> After all this time we've finally started to get past his A. Things have been going pretty good. Then last week I get a call from Ow's H. It has taken 5 years for her to finally come clean with her husband. She has been lying about what happened. In the beginning she denied anything happened, Then 1 and a half years later she admitted to oral. Last week, After 5 years of knowing she was lying & her story changing every time he questioned her, he told her he was done. She finally came clean & told him everything. He started digging & was able to get my number some how.
> 
> He called & wanted to compare story's to make sure she was telling the truth now. So he starts telling me what she told him. Instead of 6 months she said over 8. My H told me they had sex 3 times & I knew he was down playing it & it was probably at least double that, She said at least 50 times. He had a friend they would go to his house on his lunch our at work & that they had a threesome with him one time. I'm floored. He has bent over backwards to make things right with me. He has tremendous gilt & remorse. I haven't said anything to him yet. To be honest I'm not sure if I want to go through this all over again. Not sure how to handle it...


I am very sorry for the pain this cause you. Unfortunately this is the chance you took. Your husband has a history of lying.


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## Devastated an lost

I made an anonymous call to her H 5 years ago, when I found out. That's when he started asking her questions. My H called & ended it with her & blocked her number in front of me. He gave me access to his phone & anything else I wanted to see. I talked to her at the time & told her if she ever contacted him again I would go public & make sure all of her friends & family knew.


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## Devastated an lost

SadSamIAm said:


> If you know that you won't leave him, then I would suggest you not saying anything.
> 
> How many years do you have left in this world? Do you want to spend it dredging up the past and having conflict or do you want to enjoy the time you have left on this earth? I am sure that after someone cheats on you, you will never fully trust them again. You will be watching what he is doing and where he is going forever. That goes with the territory. Just keep doing that and enjoy your life.
> 
> If you are going to leave him, then doesn't really matter if you bring it up or not.


I don't want to leave him. As bad as this sounds. I know he loves me. There was a 2 year period that he got on drugs. I know that had a lot to do with the choices he made. He has got his life strait since then. He is so ashamed of the things he did during that time. We barely made it through the first go around. I just don't know if it's worth all the pain it would cause us both.


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## re16

SadSamIAm said:


> If you know that you won't leave him, then I would suggest you not saying anything.
> 
> How many years do you have left in this world? Do you want to spend it dredging up the past and having conflict or do you want to enjoy the time you have left on this earth? I am sure that after someone cheats on you, you will never fully trust them again. You will be watching what he is doing and where he is going forever. That goes with the territory. Just keep doing that and enjoy your life.
> 
> If you are going to leave him, then doesn't really matter if you bring it up or not.


You just defined rugsweep.

I don't know how one can enjoy their time left on earth knowing that there life partner is directly lying to them.

At a minimum, she needs to tell him what she knows.

If he has an automatic pass for everything he did, so be it, but she shouldn't keep this in.


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## Cynthia

There is another option. Believing in transparency in marriage goes both ways. I think you need to tell your husband about that phone call and what the other betrayed spouse told you. If you don't want to go back into dredging it all out again, that's up to you, but you don't have to. You can tell him that you know he's been lying to you and now it's time for him to make amends. Think about what amends mean to you.

Have you been in individual therapy over all this? If not, now would be a good time to start.


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## OnTheFly

Is it possible that the OW is lying (still/again) and it was only three times? In my mind I'm weighing the remorse shown by your husband, and the continuous lying/gaslighting by the OW. 

The OW could be throwing your husband under the cheater bus because things are getting hot for her. She may eventually accuse your husband of rape or some such.

Now that I think about it, this could get really ugly........****ing cheaters!!


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## red oak

Devil's advocate. 

In some instances someone can still be remorseful without complete disclosure of every detail. 
No normal person wants to hurt people they care about. 

What should matter now: Is he loving and attentive? Does he listen and spend time with you? Do you feel loved?

For someone to willing tell every detail, which they know will cause more pain is tantamount to being a torturer in the inquisition.


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## Cynthia

OnTheFly said:


> Is it possible that the OW is lying (still/again) and it was only three times? In my mind I'm weighing the remorse shown by your husband, and the continuous lying/gaslighting by the OW.
> 
> The OW could be throwing your husband under the cheater bus because things are getting hot for her. She may eventually accuse your husband of rape or some such.
> 
> Now that I think about it, this could get really ugly........****ing cheaters!!


What! Uh, no, just no. lol She has now made herself look worse than she did before by coming clean about how extensive the adultery was. I don't think she would do that if it weren't true. 

The idea that she might accuse him of rape after all this time and after admitting that she willingly went to a place specifically to have sex doesn't make any sense. An accusation of rape would not get any traction. (Thie first two paragraphs have been edited to my clarify my points.)

I'm not suggested rug sweeping at all. But you don't have to go back through everything in order to avoid rug sweeping. Simply telling him that you know he lied and that it was much more extensive than he originally told you and that you have expectations that he make amends is important. Sometimes it's really better not to know every detail of an affair. Not wanting to know it all doesn't mean you're rug sweeping as long as you are not avoiding actually dealing with what happened.


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## personofinterest

3Xnocharm said:


> So you are going to bury your head in the sand and pretend you havent been being LIED to for the last 5 years?


Why does this matter so much to YOU? This isn't life.

Seriously, for a whole horde of posters....WHY is what other people do about THEIR infidelity situations so very vital;ly important to YOU? If you still have stuff to work through regarding your own situations, work on that. It's just plain creepy and unhealthy to use strangers to get satisfaction the way a dad who blew out his knee pushes his kid to play football.


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## red oak

personofinterest said:


> Why does this matter so much to YOU? This isn't life.
> 
> Seriously, for a whole horde of posters....WHY is what other people do about THEIR infidelity situations so very vital;ly important to YOU? If you still have stuff to work through regarding your own situations, work on that. It's just plain creepy and unhealthy to use strangers to get satisfaction the way a dad who blew out his knee pushes his kid to play football.


Yes


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## 3Xnocharm

personofinterest said:


> Why does this matter so much to YOU? This isn't life.
> 
> 
> 
> Seriously, for a whole horde of posters....WHY is what other people do about THEIR infidelity situations so very vital;ly important to YOU? If you still have stuff to work through regarding your own situations, work on that. It's just plain creepy and unhealthy to use strangers to get satisfaction the way a dad who blew out his knee pushes his kid to play football.




And if you don’t give a damn what happens to people, why even post on any threads? Why are you so offended?




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## personofinterest

3Xnocharm said:


> And if you don’t give a damn what happens to people, why even post on any threads? Why are you so offended?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes, because those are the only two alternatives:

Be overly married to what other people do that I wish I had done (or that gives me the satisfaction of being a part of sticking it to all cheaters)

Or not caring at all.


Come on, you can do better than that


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## Openminded

I remember your story. You've been with him since you were 16 and have always been financially dependent on him IIRC. There was no doubt that he wasn't telling you the truth at the time and never planned to. You reconciled and life has gone on. Now you have some (maybe even all) of the rest of the story. What should you do with that? Tell him what you've been told. You already know you're not going to leave him but what you want is for him to finally, for once, respect you enough to tell you the truth. Tell him that too. He may or may not come clean when confronted with her version of the affair but at least he'll know that you know.


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## 3Xnocharm

personofinterest said:


> Yes, because those are the only two alternatives:
> 
> Be overly married to what other people do that I wish I had done (or that gives me the satisfaction of being a part of sticking it to all cheaters)
> 
> Or not caring at all.
> 
> 
> Come on, you can do better than that


Not sure why it is that you decided to nitpick on me, but I dont give a damn what you think. You are the one on here always attacking other posters, unprovoked. So I am not the one with issues, here. 

I dont like to see people being hurt and not standing up for themselves, and continuing to be hurt because of it.


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## personofinterest

3Xnocharm said:


> Not sure why it is that you decided to nitpick on me, but I dont give a damn what you think. You are the one on here always attacking other posters, unprovoked. So I am not the one with issues, here.
> 
> I dont like to see people being hurt and not standing up for themselves, and continuing to be hurt because of it.


Lol okay dude

Your profanity laced defensiveness suggests otherwise.

I get it. There are a couple of hurts in my own life that, when triggered, bring out the vicarious revenge in me as well.


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## 3Xnocharm

Meh, profanity is my second language.


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## personofinterest

3Xnocharm said:


> Meh, profanity is my second language.


It's my 3rd

Klingon is my 2nd....


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## Spoons027

Thing is, OP, always assume they had sex more than a few times over that kind of time period.

Tell your H about the call at least, then go from there.

Do what’s best for you. Good luck.


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## NobodySpecial

personofinterest said:


> Lol okay dude
> 
> Your profanity laced defensiveness suggests otherwise.
> 
> I get it. There are a couple of hurts in my own life that, when triggered, bring out the vicarious revenge in me as well.


Seems like more than a couple. Also seems like you are the greatest proponent of owning ones own ****. Hmmmm


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## personofinterest

NobodySpecial said:


> Seems like more than a couple. Also seems like you are the greatest proponent of owning ones own ****. Hmmmm


I was wondering when you'd pop in  I've missed you


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## SunCMars

Devastated an lost said:


> I don't want to leave him. As bad as this sounds. I know he loves me. There was a 2 year period that he got on drugs. I know that had a lot to do with the choices he made. He has got his life strait since then. He is so ashamed of the things he did during that time. We barely made it through the first go around. I just don't know if it's worth all the pain it would cause us both.


What a loving and forgiving person you are. 

What a selfish and dumb thing he did to you.

I would tell your cheater husband, calmly, what the POSOW finally admitted to her soon to be ex-husband, the other BS.

This will refresh his efforts to make this tragedy, right. Uh, we hope.





[TH]-


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## NobodySpecial

personofinterest said:


> I was wondering when you'd pop in  I've missed you


Funny. I thought you generally followed me around.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

BigToe said:


> If you have made the decision to reconcile, look at what he has become, not what he was.


... and part of that look needs to be at whether or not he is continuing to live a lie with you. If he obscured details and minimized, and never corrected the deliberate omissions or lies, then that is still the best indicator of who he is now.


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## Steelman

personofinterest said:


> Why does this matter so much to YOU? This isn't life.
> 
> Seriously, for a whole horde of posters....WHY is what other people do about THEIR infidelity situations so very vital;ly important to YOU? If you still have stuff to work through regarding your own situations, work on that. It's just plain creepy and unhealthy to use strangers to get satisfaction the way a dad who blew out his knee pushes his kid to play football.


Its clear that this board is totally full of people who got burned and can't get over it, so gosh darn-it, everyone else should feel it too. Misery loves company. I' figured that out a long time ago here.

To the OP- if you are happy right now with your husband and can live with what you heard, I say let the phone call go.


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## Tasorundo

I am in agreement that every detail isn't a indication of remorse or not. There are details that could just be hurtful/painful/destructive and ultimately are not important. You could argue that it is the BS who gets to decide that, but once they know, they cannot un-know it.


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## StillSearching

Tasorundo said:


> I am in agreement that every detail isn't a indication of remorse or not. *There are details that could just be hurtful/painful/destructive and ultimately are not important.* You could argue that it is the BS who gets to decide that, but once they know, they cannot un-know it.


Details are an indication of remorse.
All of them.
It's called owning up.
Anything short of that is MANIPULATION.

OP......If you can't understand why someone is doing something, look at the consequences of their actions, whatever they might be, and then infer the motivations from their consequences.


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## Tasorundo

In this case, the WS should have said more, but the word 'details' means a lot.


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## Cynthia

StillSearching said:


> Details are an indication of remorse.
> All of them.
> It's called owning up.
> Anything short of that is MANIPULATION.
> 
> OP......If you can't understand why someone is doing something, look at the consequences of their actions, whatever they might be, and then infer the motivations from their consequences.


I believe that the offender should give all details asked for. I think that's the right thing to do.
However, an offending spouse would have real fears of further traumatizing their spouse, whether they have the right to make that call or not, they may act on it to protect themself, their spouse, and the marriage.
I understand how this could be construed as non-repentant, but I think a person can have those real fears and not tell all while still sincerely being repentant. I also realize that many people will strongly disagree with me, but there it is.


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## 3Xnocharm

HUGE difference between 3 times and 50+ times, though. In reality, OP didnt realize what it was she was actually forgiving, and that just isnt fair. Its the WS downplaying their deceit and that is dishonest and disrespectful to the person who is giving them another chance. 50 times is a whole other level of involvement and deception. (not that 3 is ok...)

OP I think if you just sit on this info, its going to tear you up inside, at least talk about it with your H, and see what he does with it.


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## StillSearching

CynthiaDe said:


> I believe that the offender should give all details asked for. I think that's the right thing to do.
> However, an offending spouse would have real fears of further traumatizing their spouse, whether they have the right to make that call or not, they may act on it to protect themself, their spouse, and the marriage.
> I understand how this could be construed as non-repentant, but I think a person can have those real fears and not tell all while still sincerely being repentant. I also realize that many people will strongly disagree with me, but there it is.


It's plain and simple MANIPULATION.
Withholding info. is just that. 
Making the BS act/not act a certain way is MANIPULATION.
Put the cards on the table and let the BS make an informed decision on the facts.
Everyone deserves to know WHO they are married to and decide to stay or not.
Trickle Truth is hell!


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## StillSearching

3Xnocharm said:


> HUGE difference between 3 times and 50+ times, though. In reality, OP didnt realize what it was she was actually forgiving, and that just isnt fair. Its the WS downplaying their deceit and that is dishonest and disrespectful to the person who is giving them another chance. 50 times is a whole other level of involvement and deception. (not that 3 is ok...)
> 
> OP I think if you just sit on this info, its going to tear you up inside, at least talk about it with your H, and see what he does with it.


Oh because we all know the WS can be trusted with telling the truth. 
I see no difference.


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## Deejo

Tell him the husband called you.

Tell him he wanted to validate some facts and details with you to assure her honesty.

Tell him he doesn't get to ask you questions about what he said or what he wanted. 

Tell him you only have one question for him.

"Is there anything else you think you should disclose to me now, that you didn't disclose five years ago?"

Using this tactic, it doesn't much matter whether you want or intend to leave him or not. It does give him the opportunity to settle up, and offers you the ability to determine how has conducted himself since, and how much you value the relationship now.


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## Cynthia

StillSearching said:


> It's plain and simple MANIPULATION.
> Withholding info. is just that.
> Making the BS act/not act a certain way is MANIPULATION.
> Put the cards on the table and let the BS make an informed decision on the facts.
> Everyone deserves to know WHO they are married to and decide to stay or not.
> Trickle Truth is hell!


I don't disagree with this. I just think that there is room for forgiveness if he is truly repentant. And I do think, despite the manipulation, that he may be repentant. There is no perfection in this world. We all have broken parts. I also agree that this is a huge difference from 3 times to 50 times. Really awful how the level of deception was so bad. He thought he could work through things with his wife without telling the whole truth. Life rarely works like that, which he is about to find out. I definitely don't think this should be buried.



3Xnocharm said:


> HUGE difference between 3 times and 50+ times, though. In reality, OP didnt realize what it was she was actually forgiving, and that just isnt fair. Its the WS downplaying their deceit and that is dishonest and disrespectful to the person who is giving them another chance. 50 times is a whole other level of involvement and deception. (not that 3 is ok...)
> 
> OP I think if you just sit on this info, its going to tear you up inside, at least talk about it with your H, and see what he does with it.


I agree. 
He screwed up. He was likely afraid and hasn't wanted to rock the boat. But now the boat has capsized and he's going to have to help her work through this, however, she chooses.


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## Lostinthought61

talk about reliving a nightmare only its worse...you can not carry this burden of information on your own, you need to sit down and tell him, and to be honest you need to wipe his friend out of your lives....if you choose to stay


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## Devastated an lost

Well I just got a 3 way call from OW & her husband. The A has been ongoing this whole time just not as often. Last contact was Jan. They are going to get the text together where he waned her to meet him for sex. He's been lying this whole time & at the same time he's been telling me how much he loves me & how he thanks God every day that I gave him a second chance. I have to stay here tonight & act like nothing is wrong, Until I get those test, But I've already made arrangements to leave in the morning. I want be able to get back on here. this computer is all I have.


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## 3Xnocharm

Oh no..! I am so sorry this is happening! Do you have a place to go?


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## re16

Devastated an lost said:


> Well I just got a 3 way call from OW & her husband. The A has been ongoing this whole time just not as often. Last contact was Jan. They are going to get the text together where he waned her to meet him for sex. He's been lying this whole time & at the same time he's been telling me how much he loves me & how he thanks God every day that I gave him a second chance. I have to stay here tonight & act like nothing is wrong, Until I get those test, But I've already made arrangements to leave in the morning. I want be able to get back on here. this computer is all I have.


Get an STD test on the way to see your lawyer.


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## OnTheFly

Well, I guess the adage, ''once a cheater, always a cheater'' is shown to be true yet again. 

Very sad turn of events, sorry to hear.


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## NobodySpecial

Devastated an lost said:


> Well I just got a 3 way call from OW & her husband. The A has been ongoing this whole time just not as often. Last contact was Jan. They are going to get the text together where he waned her to meet him for sex. He's been lying this whole time & at the same time he's been telling me how much he loves me & how he thanks God every day that I gave him a second chance. I have to stay here tonight & act like nothing is wrong, Until I get those test, But I've already made arrangements to leave in the morning. I want be able to get back on here. this computer is all I have.


I am SO SORRY.


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## Cynthia

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry to hear this. Please seek the help of an attorney before you say a word to your husband. You need to know your rights and responsibilities before you do anything.

{{{hugs to you}}} I can imagine you must be in shock.


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## re16

personofinterest said:


> Why does this matter so much to YOU? This isn't life.
> 
> Seriously, for a whole horde of posters....WHY is what other people do about THEIR infidelity situations so very vital;ly important to YOU? If you still have stuff to work through regarding your own situations, work on that. It's just plain creepy and unhealthy to use strangers to get satisfaction the way a dad who blew out his knee pushes his kid to play football.


We are just trying to offer advice based what is commonly seen in these situations. Some of us have been around here for a long time because the board helped provide clarity for our own situations so we try pay it forward a little.

This doesn't really have much to do with our own situations, we're just trying to help the posters see their own situation for what it likely is. Sometimes it is hard to take a step back and look at a situation from a different perspective when you are in the thick of it.

As usual, this is another case whether the cheater lied and gaslighted, the affair continued underground for years, and false reconciliation occurred. This is exactly why we say not to rugsweep.

Cheaters cheat. Cheaters lie. They rarely change.


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## BluesPower

personofinterest said:


> Why does this matter so much to YOU? This isn't life.
> 
> Seriously, for a whole horde of posters....WHY is what other people do about THEIR infidelity situations so very vital;ly important to YOU? If you still have stuff to work through regarding your own situations, work on that. It's just plain creepy and unhealthy to use strangers to get satisfaction the way a dad who blew out his knee pushes his kid to play football.


You know POI, we have agreed and disagreed several times. I guess this is just a another disagreement. 

Now, I know some of TAM posters may in fact be projecting, I get it. However some of us, really want to help. 

So take this one for example... back in the day, the way that she exposed to OBS I would have never recommended. She was helping her husband, protect himself, and the other woman, by not exposing correctly. 

She should have gone nuclear, and let the OBS understand WHO she was, who HER HUSBAND Was, and everything else. 

You see right there, if she had exposed with courage, she would have been better off, and so would the OBS. He would have no gone on for 5 YEARS with her lies. 

So Here OP did not expose properly and she suffered, and so do the OBS... That was WRONG for her for a lot of reasons. 

Also, we often say never take a cheater back, and this is the reason with, because you NEVER KNOW what you don't know and you don't know what you are going to find out or when... 

So, if OP would have gotten either better advice, or had followed the proper advice, she and the OBS would be better off RIGHT NOW...

This thread is a PERFECT example of why we give advice that some people think is harsh, and over the top... 

But then, for some reason., POI, you don't get that. Ok, I guess...


----------



## Cynthia

Also, your husband is going to know. She will either tell him or he will not hear from her and know something is up. He is going to find out and probably before you tell him.

Tell him to go find someplace to stay. You shouldn't be the one to leave.


----------



## Kamstel

It never ceases to amaze and shock me at how people that supposedly love us can completely destroy us without even giving it a second thought!

I am so sorry that you’re going through this.

I know you have to act like nothing is wrong tonight, Is there anybody in your life that you can trust and lean on for support at this time?

Do you have an attorney in mind that you want to talk to you?

I wish you nothing but the best, good luck and stay strong


----------



## Devastated an lost

NobodySpecial said:


> I am SO SORRY.


I'm just sorry it took me 38 years to find out I never knew the man I was married to. I've never been with anybody but him. We've been together since we where 16. He never wanted me to work, So I'm starting over at age 56 with no kind of work experience what so ever. Not only am I crushed by what he did & he told her of other things, He's always cheated. I am also terrified of trying to make it own my own.


----------



## Devastated an lost

Kamstel said:


> It never ceases to amaze and shock me at how people that supposedly love us can completely destroy us without even giving it a second thought!
> 
> I am so sorry that you’re going through this.
> 
> I know you have to act like nothing is wrong tonight, Is there anybody in your life that you can trust and lean on for support at this time?
> 
> Do you have an attorney in mind that you want to talk to you?
> 
> I wish you nothing but the best, good luck and stay strong


No I don't have anybody. I have made some calls & I do have somewhere to go. I don't want to go to my son or any close family. Don't want to drag anybody down this road with me


----------



## Tron

Devastated an lost said:


> No I don't have anybody. I have made some calls & I do have somewhere to go. I don't want to go to my son or any close family. Don't want to drag anybody down this road with me


Your situation is precarious...

I hear that you don't want to, but you NEED to accept that you won't be able to do what you need to do on your own, and take the help from wherever it is given AND be thankful.

Please!


----------



## Cynthia

Devastated an lost said:


> No I don't have anybody. I have made some calls & I do have somewhere to go. I don't want to go to my son or any close family. Don't want to drag anybody down this road with me


Seeking support isn't dragging people down the road with you.

I am 54. I am in college. It's not too late. Would you be interested in being a paralegal? They made a good wage. It takes 2 years of school to be a paralegal in Washington State. I don't know about other states. All is not lost. You can find something you want to do and be able to make ends meet.


----------



## Devastated an lost

CynthiaDe said:


> Seeking support isn't dragging people down the road with you.
> 
> I am 54. I am in college. It's not too late. Would you be interested in being a paralegal? They made a good wage. It takes 2 years of school to be a paralegal in Washington State. I don't know about other states. All is not lost. You can find something you want to do and be able to make ends meet.


I have just found all of this out a couple of hours ago. The best that I am capable of at this moment is to find somewhere to go & take it as it comes. I haven't made a plan past getting out of here.


----------



## jlg07

The NEXT step is to find a good shark lawyer. You need to make sure that your H pays for this and that YOU are protected.
DO NOT tell him you are doing this. Let the Divorce papers tell him.


----------



## Devastated an lost

re16 said:


> We are just trying to offer advice based what is commonly scene in these situations. Some of us have been around here for a long time because the board helped provide clarity for our own situations so we try pay it forward a little.
> 
> This doesn't really have much to do with our own situations, we're just trying to help the posters see their own situation for what it likely is. Sometimes it is hard to take a step back and look at a situation from a different perspective when you are in the thick of it.
> 
> As usual, this is another case whether the cheater lied and gaslighted, the affair continued underground for years, and false reconciliation occurred. This is exactly why we say not to rugsweep.
> 
> Cheaters cheat. Cheaters lie. They rarely change.


I posted my story here 5 years ago & was active on here for a long time. I found this site a couple of months after I caught him. Anybody that's interested can look it up. I was so blind then. I'd like to think I've come a long way, But he did continue for 5 more years with me thinking things where getting better.


----------



## Cynthia

Devastated an lost said:


> I have just found all of this out a couple of hours ago. The best that I am capable of at this moment is to find somewhere to go & take it as it comes. I haven't made a plan past getting out of here.


You're right. I'm sorry. What I'm trying to say is that you have options. I know you are shocked and hurting. I want to encourage you that you can have a good life.

I understand. I've been with my husband since I was 17 and I'm 54.



Devastated an lost said:


> I posted my story here 5 years ago & was active on here for a long time. I found this site a couple of months after I caught him. Anybody that's interested can look it up. I was so blind then. I'd like to think I've come a long way, But he did continue for 5 more years with me thinking things where getting better.


The problem isn't with you. The problem is with your husband. You are not a mind reader. He worked very hard to convince you. How would you know? You couldn't.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Why dont you tell HIM to leave? I mean, once its all out there...


----------



## Kamstel

Tron said:


> Devastated an lost said:
> 
> 
> 
> No I don't have anybody. I have made some calls & I do have somewhere to go. I don't want to go to my son or any close family. Don't want to drag anybody down this road with me
> 
> 
> 
> !
Click to expand...


No body likes to impose or be a bother to close friends or family members, especially our grown children. But if roles were reversed, would you WANT TO help them in their time of need/crisis? Of course you would. In fact, I suspect that you would be hurt if they didn’t come to you in their time of need. 

So why do you think your close friends and family members would think differently in YOUR time of need?

This is what close friends and family members are for.


I wish you nothing but continued luck and strength. You can and will survive this Hell that he has continued to put you through.


----------



## Prodigal

Devastated an lost said:


> He never wanted me to work, So I'm starting over at age 56 with no kind of work experience what so ever. Not only am I crushed by what he did & he told her of other things, He's always cheated. I am also terrified of trying to make it own my own.


I am deeply sorry you have been deceived like this. But please don't be afraid you will be left with nothing. A marriage of longer than 20 years is considered a marriage of longevity. As a rule - but don't quote me here - your husband would have to pay you spousal support the rest of your life. At the very least, he would have to pay you support for 1/2 the length of the marriage. Also, the chances are good he'd have to pay for you to get the necessary training/education to obtain gainful employment.

I understand your fear of having to go out and make it on your own. Been there myself. But I think you may be given the financial resources to find a job you enjoy. Again, I am truly sorry for what has happened to you.


----------



## Cynthia

Save everything you have. If there is way to get into your husband's phone or get copies of the texts between him and other women, you have a serious case for adultery in your state.

Also, @Prodigal is right. You will get spousal support as well. You will be no worse off than he will be.


----------



## Devastated an lost

3Xnocharm said:


> Why dont you tell HIM to leave? I mean, once its all out there...


This place belonged to his Gandparents He's lived here his whole life. It's out in the country secluded I'm afraid of what he might do. I wouldn't feel safe here.


----------



## Devastated an lost

CynthiaDe said:


> Save everything you have. If there is way to get into your husband's phone or get copies of the texts between him and other women, you have a serious case for adultery in your state.
> 
> Also, @Prodigal is right. You will get spousal support as well. You will be no worse off than he will be.


She is sending me copy's of the text. She already sent me a couple to let me know she is telling the truth. She also has nude pics. I have printed the first ones already. I will get more in the morning. I've made two copies. One to leave him & one to take with me.


----------



## Cynthia

Devastated an lost said:


> This place belonged to his Gandparents He's lived here his whole life. It's out in the country secluded I'm afraid of what he might do. I wouldn't feel safe here.


Oh dear. I'm so sorry. Please find a place to stay tonight if you are afraid for your safety. 

It's probably best you don't speak to him if you fear him. Start making phone calls to find and attorney. The quicker you get this going the better it will be for you. I also recommend that you get a box and fill it with all the paperwork in the house that pertains to finances. You will need it all. Don't bother with copies. You can make copies and give them to him, but you cannot trust him to get you copies. You'll also need your marriage certificate, deed to the house, anything like that.


----------



## Cynthia

Devastated an lost said:


> She is sending me copy's of the text. She already sent me a couple to let me know she is telling the truth. She also has nude pics. I have printed the first ones already. I will get more in the morning. I've made two copies. One to leave him & one to take with me.


Great job! You are on it. You are going to be just fine.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Tron said:


> Your situation is precarious...
> 
> I hear that you don't want to, but you NEED to accept that you won't be able to do what you need to do on your own, and take the help from wherever it is given AND be thankful.
> 
> Please!


Yes, please.


----------



## BluesPower

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm just sorry it took me 38 years to find out I never knew the man I was married to. I've never been with anybody but him. We've been together since we where 16. He never wanted me to work, So I'm starting over at age 56 with no kind of work experience what so ever. Not only am I crushed by what he did & he told her of other things, He's always cheated. I am also terrified of trying to make it own my own.


You will not have to support yourself... You are exactly the right kind of wife that deserves alimony and don't forget, 1/2 of the marital assets, if you choose to divorce, which you probably should...


----------



## Devastated an lost

CynthiaDe said:


> Oh dear. I'm so sorry. Please find a place to stay tonight if you are afraid for your safety.
> 
> It's probably best you don't speak to him if you fear him. Start making phone calls to find and attorney. The quicker you get this going the better it will be for you. I also recommend that you get a box and fill it with all the paperwork in the house that pertains to finances. You will need it all. Don't bother with copies. You can make copies and give them to him, but you cannot trust him to get you copies. You'll also need your marriage certificate, deed to the house, anything like that.


I don't have time today. I've told him I'm not feeling well. I'm gonna keep all of this to myself tonight & get up in the morning after he leaves for work & start packing. I will be gone by the time he gets home. I really dread tonight.


----------



## Devastated an lost

He will be home in 20 mins. I have to get off of here & get myself together. Thank you all for the advice & for caring enough to talk to me. For the ones that believe in God, Please say a prayer for me.


----------



## MattMatt

*Moderator warning:-*

Please stop the childish threadjacks.


----------



## Cynthia

Devastated an lost said:


> He will be home in 20 mins. I have to get off of here & get myself together. Thank you all for the advice & for caring enough to talk to me. For the ones that believe in God, Please say a prayer for me.


Praying for you. I know your husband is home now. I hope you get some sleep tonight.


----------



## Openminded

I'm very sorry it's come to this. You deserve far better. 

I'll keep you in my prayers.


----------



## aine

Devasted and Lost, just reading this. I am so so sorry that he has strung you along for so long.
You are doing the right thing, you cannot trust him again ever.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
You will make it through this.
Hugs


----------



## Openminded

Devastated an lost said:


> I posted my story here 5 years ago & was active on here for a long time. I found this site a couple of months after I caught him. Anybody that's interested can look it up. I was so blind then. I'd like to think I've come a long way, But he did continue for 5 more years with me thinking things where getting better.


Don't blame yourself for taking him back. You thought with your heart and wanted to believe he was remorseful and would never do it again. Some cheaters are just really good at concealing who they are. 

I've been where you are. But in time I recovered and you will too. 

I wish the very best for you.


----------



## TAMAT

Wow,

For anyone reading this story, take away they your should not trust that you have the truth.

Don't stop snooping.

Get the full story check every resource.

Get a polygraph.

Don't waste more years of your life.


----------



## Deejo

I am so very sorry.


----------



## jlg07

Devastated an lost said:


> She is sending me copy's of the text. She already sent me a couple to let me know she is telling the truth. She also has nude pics. I have printed the first ones already. I will get more in the morning. I've made two copies. One to leave him & one to take with me.


Just in case -- please SEND these to a email out of the house that he doesn't have access to -- just as a backup....


----------



## *Deidre*

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm just sorry it took me 38 years to find out I never knew the man I was married to. I've never been with anybody but him. We've been together since we where 16. He never wanted me to work, So I'm starting over at age 56 with no kind of work experience what so ever. Not only am I crushed by what he did & he told her of other things, He's always cheated. I am also terrified of trying to make it own my own.


I'm so sorry that you've been through all of this.  But, don't view your entire time together as a sham. People change. He changed somewhere along the way, and you trusted him. It happens. It is what you do now that matters. If you continue to stay, then that is on you. You gave him a chance, and he is continuing to lie. I don't believe in taking cheaters back, they usually don't change once they've strayed. If they come back, it's usually just to avoid losing a lot in a divorce. That's just my unasked for opinion lol I hope that things get better for you. It will be a tough road, but please don't stay with someone like this. You deserve far better.


----------



## sokillme

Devastated an lost said:


> Well I just got a 3 way call from OW & her husband. The A has been ongoing this whole time just not as often. Last contact was Jan. They are going to get the text together where he waned her to meet him for sex. He's been lying this whole time & at the same time he's been telling me how much he loves me & how he thanks God every day that I gave him a second chance. I have to stay here tonight & act like nothing is wrong, Until I get those test, But I've already made arrangements to leave in the morning. I want be able to get back on here. this computer is all I have.


Jesus, 

I am very sorry for you. These people are just monsters. Disgusting monsters.


----------



## sokillme

Kamstel said:


> It never ceases to amaze and shock me at how people that supposedly love us can completely destroy us without even giving it a second thought!


The may love us but they are not like us. The problem is their nature.


----------



## sokillme

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm just sorry it took me 38 years to find out I never knew the man I was married to. I've never been with anybody but him. We've been together since we where 16. He never wanted me to work, So I'm starting over at age 56 with no kind of work experience what so ever. Not only am I crushed by what he did & he told her of other things, He's always cheated. I am also terrified of trying to make it own my own.


Get the best lawyer you can find, and take him for all he is worth. Get his balls in a jar if you can.

I know you are crushed. But fight. Get mad and fight hard, if you are going to go down take him down with you. Post on here and we will help you. At the end no matter what happens if you fight you will get farther then if you just take it. You may even end up happier.

Use your righteous anger to propel you why you have it. 

Listen my Mom started over from my destructive step father around your age. She was at the same spot, all by herself, I had moved out years before. She was afraid, but she prayed and trusted. It was work for sure, but she will tell you now in her mid 70's that it was the best 20 years of her life. It can be done. 

Even with all this sadness I promise you, you will have joy again. This is the most certain thing I post about on this board. You will heal, and you will have joy.

Here, though I am probably not the best person to be posting this.

You were honorable and faithful even if your husband wasn't. We make our vows not just to our spouses but ultimately to God, that will not be in vain, that's not how that works.

Grieve, be angry, but have the courage to have hope. Your life is not over.


----------



## GusPolinski

Devastated an lost said:


> After all this time we've finally started to get past his A. Things have been going pretty good. Then last week I get a call from Ow's H. It has taken 5 years for her to finally come clean with her husband. She has been lying about what happened. In the beginning she denied anything happened, Then 1 and a half years later she admitted to oral. Last week, After 5 years of knowing she was lying & her story changing every time he questioned her, he told her he was done. She finally came clean & told him everything. He started digging & was able to get my number some how.
> 
> He called & wanted to compare story's to make sure she was telling the truth now. So he starts telling me what she told him. Instead of 6 months she said over 8. My H told me they had sex 3 times & I knew he was down playing it & it was probably at least double that, She said at least 50 times. He had a friend they would go to his house on his lunch our at work & that they had a threesome with him one time. I'm floored. *He has bent over backwards to make things right with me. He has tremendous gilt & remorse.* I haven't said anything to him yet. To be honest I'm not sure if I want to go through this all over again. Not sure how to handle it...


Without the truth, none of that matters.

ETA: Should’ve kept reading. Damn.


----------



## SunCMars

What I have noticed on these infidelity threads is that men are more likely to be forgiven, they seem to get a quicker recommendation for an 'R'.

Cheating women? 
They are banished, poof, gone!

Just a thought!


----------



## re16

I hope you were able to kept it together last night. Still leaving today?


----------



## sokillme

SunCMars said:


> What I have noticed on these infidelity threads is that men are more likely to be forgiven, they seem to get a quicker recommendation for an 'R'.


Not from everyone.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

sokillme said:


> Not from everyone.


I'm hard pressed to recall any thread on this site in which a W man was forgiven. Last one I recall that self-identified got slaughtered. My impression is that this site is pretty uniformly harsh with Ws regardless of gender.

Of course, I haven't read _all _the threads, so maybe I missed something.


----------



## Devastated an lost

Well, I have all my things packed & in the car. I've never been so scared in my life. Her H just texted me & said he had taken off work for a few days. He's on his way home to pack. So I guess they've got a clear shot to be together now.


----------



## Lostinthought61

I truly wish you the best of everything, that you find real love and real compassion. He is not worthy of you.

PS please keep in touch with us so that we may know you are okay


----------



## Devastated an lost

Lostinthought61 said:


> I truly wish you the best of everything, that you find real love and real compassion. He is not worthy of you.
> 
> PS please keep in touch with us so that we may know you are okay


Thank you, I will do my best to.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Wishing you luck! I know this is scary as hell, and sad too. Good to see the OW will be losing on her end as well. Please keep posting so that we can keep offering support for you!


----------



## re16

Stay strong, you are making the right move.


----------



## Cynthia

Devastated an lost said:


> Well, I have all my things packed & in the car. I've never been so scared in my life. Her H just texted me & said he had taken off work for a few days. He's on his way home to pack. So I guess they've got a clear shot to be together now.


I'm sorry. These are gut wrenching times. Of course you're afraid, but you are showing great courage in this situation.


----------



## NobodySpecial

CynthiaDe said:


> I'm sorry. These are gut wrenching times. Of course you're afraid, but you are showing great courage in this situation.


Second the COURAGE. A LOT of COURAGE.


----------



## threelittlestars

Extending deepest sympathies, 

I married my high school sweetheart and have also in the back half of our marriage have dealt with infidelity. I shudder to imagine how I would feel twenty years from how I would feel if I found out about something of this magnitude. 

I know you don't want to drag others in on this event but this is not YOUR cross to bear alone. Let family know. Everyone should know how bad this is, and get a shark lawyer. Don't listen to him beg, don't listen to him even try to explain. This is unexplainable... Get yourself situated in a nice quaint place, and travel. Get a girl pal to hang with. Sometimes especially later in life our lady friends endure stronger than our romanic attachments. I have a long standing agreement with my childhood friend from when we were 7 and 8 years old. We get old and single or Widowed we are entering a domestic partnership and going to love and care for each other. Regardless of being straight we have always been soul mates. 

Maybe you have a soul mate and it's not even romantic. Find LOVE, find TRUE DEPENDENCE in yourself and someone more worthy. 

KEEP US UP TODATE on this evolving situation.


----------



## Openminded

I know this is tough but you're a lot stronger now than you were when this happened five years ago. 

I very seriously doubt your husband wants a divorce so be prepared for him to do everything possible to convince you to reconcile again. He'll likely say and do anything to make that happen. I don't remember if your adult son knew last time but your husband may drag him into this now in an effort to persuade you to stay. 

The pressure you can face from others to avoid ending a very long marriage often is strong. Family and friends usually don't want to see a divorce occur. I was asked by a family member why I didn't just wait it out.


----------



## turnera

I'm so sorry. But try not to look at it as scary. You're in the prime of your life and you can now go and do anything you've ever dreamed of doing. Travel. Visit people. Learn something new. Move wherever you want (I'd take a cottage on the beach somewhere!). 

In the meantime, DO let your family and friends help you, ok? I'd be devastated if my family or friend didn't let me help them cos they thought they'd be a bother. Let them help.

Also, get hold of a lawyer ASAP. You have rights here, legally and financially, from not working. You'll be ok. 

Stay in touch!


----------



## Andy1001

turnera said:


> edit


I think you missed the point a little. The affair is still going on and as recently as January he was arranging to meet the ow.


----------



## turnera

Calm down, Andy. That's why I went and edited my post.


----------



## re16

Devastated an lost said:


> Well, I have all my things packed & in the car. I've never been so scared in my life. Her H just texted me & said he had taken off work for a few days. He's on his way home to pack. So I guess they've got a clear shot to be together now.


Did you leave a note with copies of the texts / photos?


----------



## sokillme

Devastated an lost said:


> Well, I have all my things packed & in the car. I've never been so scared in my life. Her H just texted me & said he had taken off work for a few days. He's on his way home to pack. So I guess they've got a clear shot to be together now.


Let her have him they deserve each other. He has no value only a source of pain. You will eventually get to the point where you know this to be true.


----------



## sunsetmist

Don't sound sad that they have a clear shot of being together. Even thought they likely deserve each other as long-time cheaters, they will not be happy and probably don't even want to be with another cheater! 

Hope you can find relief from someone who could look you in the eye and lie to you--that is not love, not respect, not even caring in any way. Your marriage failed--not your fault, but you are far from a failure. Value yourself.

I created a new life after divorce that has been great--new career, new friends (and old as most supported me), travel, hobbies, self-respect, and hard work. You can do this too.


----------



## colingrant

The sensation of the affair is often lost for the man as they are often in it for sex. Some men actually prefer the affair partner to be married, as they don't have to deal with the AP seeking to leave their wife since they too have a husband. From your husband's perspective, he can meet the AP at a hotel after work and then come home to the stability of wife and home. 

It's a deranged thought but that's what we possibly have here. People that cheat will do and say nearly anything to preserve the affair, reputation or both. What I'm trying to say is, he probably doesn't want her. He only wants the sex and may pretend he wants her to get it. Oldest trick in the book. I'm amazed how many women fall for this. Even mature ones. 

The reason you may have missed the fact that he maintained the affair is because this is something you would never do. One of the most difficult things for a BS to believe is the person they've been with for years or decades is capable of being someone you've never known them to be. It's difficult to change all of a sudden to acknowledging the fact that a cheater was lying next to you in bed. It's a hard fact to fathom, but the faster you (or anyone) understands and accepts this, the faster they can move forward.

By the way, good job doing your detective work, staying calm and getting the hell out of there. Takes guts to do what you're doing and you're to be commended for taking control of your life. I wish more would do the same. I can't tell you how much I respect your decisiveness. This tells me YOU are the prize. Don't let anyone tell you any different. 

You gave him a chance, he failed terribly. I'm sure you love him, but loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with them. Additionally, a successful relationship isn't just one where love is shared, but respect and trust as well. All three are requirements for a successful relationship, not bonuses.


----------



## -Molly-

My heart goes out to you. I read your thread and was so shocked at your discovery. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Stay strong, I am only 2 weeks since finding out my husband of over 20 years was having an affair and kicking him out. It's so terrible. 

This is so hard right now what you are doing. You definitely need support, please open up to someone. I involved my parents and 1 friend. I am very glad I did. Also, of course I had some of the members here guiding me. Listen to them, they know what they are talking about!


----------



## sokillme

-Molly- said:


> My heart goes out to you. I read your thread and was so shocked at your discovery. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Stay strong, I am only 2 weeks since finding out my husband of over 20 years was having an affair and kicking him out. It's so terrible.
> 
> This is so hard right now what you are doing. You definitely need support, please open up to someone. I involved my parents and 1 friend. I am very glad I did. Also, of course I had some of the members here guiding me. Listen to them, they know what they are talking about!


Molly let this be a lesson to you. It's in their nature. Don't take him back.


----------



## 5Creed

I'm so sorry. I remember your story. Things are going to probably get pretty unsettled for awhile but I promise you that you will be OK. I know you might not believe it but you will. About him? What a ****ing stupid choice he made. Repeat every day if you need to-this was not about you-not about your worthiness as a person or a wife. You gave him a gift and he accepted it and it wasn't his to accept. It is his defect and not yours. One day at a time. Please see a lawyer although things are crashing down- make that a priority. I'm thinking about you~and behind you 100%.


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## re16

Since you've been gone for a day now, I assume STBXH now knows. Has he tried to contact you?


----------



## lucy999

I am so sorry to hear about this turn of events. You are stronger than you think. You are definitely a woman of action by packing up and leaving. Good for you. And you will not be destitute. I hope you have plans to see a lawyer as soon as you can. I think you will be surprised at how things will go. You will not be homeless or penniless. Please, please. Lean on friends and family for moral support. There is no dragging them along with you. If they knew what was happening to you, I think they would happily support you. When people love each other, they are there not only in moments of happiness, but in times of sadness. Please reach out to the people who care about you.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

I wish you Godspeed and safe travels.

In truth, I'm so very sorry that he turned out to *be* a lying cheater who caused the situation you're now in. You didn't deserve any of this.

I suggest you get to a lawyer *PRONTO* before he has a chance to sweet talk you and manipulate you into coming back home and burying your head in the sand some more. Those days are over.

Call a lawyer. Protect yourself financially NOW.


----------



## Diana7

Devastated an lost said:


> That's what I've been thinking. We've got 38 years invested. This was a one time thing & there was a lot going on in his life at the time.


It wasn't a one time thing it was a 50 time thing including at least one threesome. Doesn't it bother you that he is still lying after all this time? How can you trust him knowing that he lied so much about it all, and still is? 
If he was repentant he would have told the truth. She has no reason to say 50 if it was only 3.


----------



## faithfulman

Diana7 said:


> It wasn't a one time thing it was a 50 time thing including at least one threesome. Doesn't it bother you that he is still lying after all this time? How can you trust him knowing that he lied so much about it all, and still is?
> If he was repentant he would have told the truth. She has no reason to say 50 if it was only 3.


I believe you have commented before reading how the story has developed.

Read more thread.


----------



## Diana7

faithfulman said:


> I believe you have commented before reading how the story has developed.
> 
> Read more thread.


 yes that's why I cancelled it.


----------



## Devastated an lost

*Update*

I'm going to try to explain my situation in short, because it would take a book to explain it all. First of all I need to tell you he's had an on off drug problem for years & also the text I got stopped Jan 2018 nothing after that. that being said. I only had a couple of places I could go. As soon as he got home he started calling, leaving voice messages, text. None Stop. I went form outrage to begging to threats. My family members that I was staying with where so scared they called the police to patrol the area. My cousin slept on the couch with her pistol. I finally picked up the phone & talked to him. I tried to calm him down, Ask him to give me some time. I had hid our pistol, because I knew what was coming. That's why I said I didn't want to drag anybody down with me.

He was demanding to know where it was saying he would kill us both before he would lose me. Telling me I was his whole world, He couldn't live without me. This went on all night. My cousin & her H left for work, he called in & told them he needed some time off. The calls continued for hours. I sat there in horror & prayed for God to help me know what to do. Then a calmness came over me & I knew how to end it. I got in my car & dove home. I went in & got the pistol. I put it in his hand & told him go ahead & end this, I've lost everything, I'm ready. I stood in front of him & closed me eyes. He unloaded the gun took a hammer & broke it in half.

We spent the rest of the day & all night talking. I stood my ground. I told him I was not gonna be humiliated & disrespected any more, He had 2 choices kill me or let me go. I was sitting there just cold & dead inside. He knew I was done. He fell limp in the floor, held on to my legs, put his head in my lap & cried. He admitted to me everything he's done & that he had been on meth the whole time, But he took a look at himself & decided this wasn't the life he wanted. Without telling me he decided to get clean & try to repair the only thing that was important to him. As I've said things have been really good the past year. 

I've seen him struggle with the guilt. Not a week goes by that he don't walk up & hold me & tell me he thanks god I'm still here. He told me he thought he could get himself clean & try to repair some of the damage he's done without me having to know & go through the things he did. He is so a sham of what he let himself become. He's been trying to find a way to tell me, But he was so afraid of losing me & for the first time in years he can see with a clear mind what standing in front of him. & just when he was getting there the bomb hit. I talked him into going back to work today, He's still calling me every little bit begging me to stay & give him a chance to prove he's changed. So that's where we are.

I know most of you are gonna tell me to run. We've been together our whole lives. I don't know if this can be repaired & honestly I don't know what's gonna happen now.


----------



## Devastated an lost

*Re: Update*

He just called. He's on his way back home. Guess it will be Monday before I get a chance to get back on here.


----------



## faithfulman

*Re: Update*

You'd be crazy to stay.

If you do it won't end well.


----------



## TheGoodGuy

Truly awful that he's continued lying and cheating the entire time. Please follow the advise and see an attorney asap. We're rooting for you and wish you the best.


----------



## StillSearching

*Re: Update*

Yup WH are much different to deal with than WW.
Be careful. Be aware. Be ready to run at the drop of a hat.


----------



## Mr.Married

*Re: Update*

Your crazy ....... and you just may end up dead if you play this game.


----------



## aine

*Re: Update*

I am sorry Devasted, but this is not love, he needs you and you need to be needed, a dangerous combo. He has taken you hostage, this is not love.


----------



## Marc878

*Re: Update*

He's in self preservation mode. That's all this is.


----------



## BioFury

*Re: Update*



Devastated an lost said:


> Then a calmness came over me & I knew how to end it. I got in my car & dove home. I went in & got the pistol. I put it in his hand & told him go ahead & end this, I've lost everything, I'm ready. I stood in front of him & closed me eyes. He unloaded the gun took a hammer & broke it in half.


Geezus. I thought that only happened in the movies.

Almost anyone can "change" to circumvent an impending disaster. Disciplining yourself into a new, and different person is another thing altogether.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

*Re: Update*

Holy cow, the story is so much worse, .... and deeply concerning.... than your original thread indicated.

GET OUT.. GET OUT NOW. Don't ever be alone in his presence!!!

Anybody who even suggests killing you both needs to be avoided like your life depends on it... because it probably does!!!

Don't ever buy into the backpedaling that says he was just blowing off steam and would never actually do such a thing. That may be a lie, and the risk of being wrong, no matter how much you may want to believe him, is NOT WORTH IT. Many a grave is inhabited by women who just knew their SO "didn't really mean it." Even though he backed down when you gave him the opportunity, that is no indication that he will do so again. Once the shock of your offer has passed, he may well decide it is indeed his preferred option. 

Bottom line, the man is mentally unstable, which means unpredictable. This isn't at this point, this isn't about love, loyalty, or even pity... It's 100% security/survival mode. Please take this to heart. 

If he's serious about getting clean and reforming himself, he can do that without cohabiting with you while it's going on. In fact, if he was actually serious about proving to you his having seen the light and wanting to do what's best for you, that is exactly what he would do. Fix himself and then present you the new, improved version. This is well past any other solution. He is just hanging on for his own sake, not yours.


----------



## Cynthia

*Re: Update*

Do you belong to a church?

Reading what you wrote scared me. What you wrote is not of God. It is of the devil. He is trying to destroy you. And he's trying to destroy your husband. He has already destroyed your marriage. The way you responded to this shows that you got sucked right into the devil's plan. This is extremely disturbing. Your husband should be in jail.

On a completely different note: I don't know why people start entirely new threads on the same situation. It makes it difficult to help someone who is all over the place. Most people don't read every thread. If you want people to stick with you, stick to one thread.


----------



## Cynthia

She started an entirely new thread and you're not going to like it: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/432553-update.html


----------



## Cynthia

*Re: Update*

Here's a link to the last thread: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/copin...ears-ows-husband-calls-me-8.html#post19832389


----------



## sunsetmist

*Re: Update*

I agree with @Rocky Mountain Yeti and others. He is an addict. Meth changes the brain. He cannot recover from a many years addiction without professional help and not likely even then.

I am sad for you. He is your life, your only love. Meth and the selfish, mentally unstable life is his--not really you. He loves drugs and the other women more. He knows only you would put up with his infidelity. Sometime in the future, he will capitulate to what he loves most--not you.

"I don't want to leave him. As bad as this sounds. I know he loves me. There was a 2 year period that he got on drugs. I know that had a lot to do with the choices he made. He has got his life strait since then. He is so ashamed of the things he did during that time. We barely made it through the first go around. I just don't know if it's worth all the pain it would cause us both."

You have enabled him since the age of 16--38 years together. You don't have the energy or courage to leave him as you express in last thread--see above. He knows how to manipulate you and is doing it again. Essentially, you do not know anything else. Somewhere inside of you, you are blaming yourself, at least in part. I hope you will seek IC for you. Be wary, be safe, be content with what you have chosen--come back here when your dreams again disintegrate--if you survive.


----------



## re16

*Re: Update*

more lies. just like before, he will say anything to get you to stay.

"i had already decided to get clean" "i was going to tell you"

c'mon, that is bs.

Leave this dude. If you don't have the confidence to do it, just pretend he was killed in an accident, you would survive because you had to. You will be fine. Leave him.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Update*

I’d tell you that you’re making a mistake, but it won’t do any good. Mostly because you already know that.

Either way, best of luck.


----------



## stillthinking

*Re: Update*

Some people need that crazy. As much as they say they hate it.

Being alone or with a stable person is boring to these individuals. They crave the up/down of the emotional roller coaster. 

That is how you get to the point of handing your unstable spouse a gun and seeing where it goes.


----------



## Cynthia

*Re: Update*



stillthinking said:


> Some people need that crazy. As much as they say they hate it.
> 
> Being alone or with a stable person is boring to these individuals. They crave the up/down of the emotional roller coaster.
> 
> That is how you get to the point of handing your unstable spouse a gun and seeing where it goes.


I don't think that's what's going on here. I think she feels like she can't live without him, because she's been with him almost all of her life. It's not about craving drama. It's about how bonded she is to him. If you haven't been with someone that long, it's hard to image how someone in that position feels. I have an idea, because I've been with my husband for over 35 years, since I was 17. My entire life is built with my husband. Everything she has is intertwined with her husband.

I'm not saying she should stay. I'm saying that I think it's judgmental to say that her problem is that she loves drama when that's not what's going on here.


----------



## Openminded

*Re: Update*

I'm not surprised.

ETA: I never felt you would be able to leave him so I'll just say please be careful. That was a bunch of drama to bring you home IMO and back under his control. He had no intention of following through with that at that moment but you no longer really know him or what he'll do at some point. So, again, please be careful.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

*Re: Update*

Do NOT stay in that house with him, GO BACK to your family! 

I dont know how much I believe him about the meth. Number one, surely you would have seen signs of that, meth is horrible. I think he may be lying about it so that he has something to blame his deplorable behavior on. Both cheaters and drug users lie, and he has been both, at least at some point, so do NOT believe a word he tells you. 

Yes, I am telling you to RUN and to not look back. You deserve a much better life than this, and you have been so brave.


----------



## Beach123

You don’t even know the real him.

He’s a drug addict. Why are you allowing him back before he goes into treatment?

You have no boundary that keeps you happy and safe - work on that for yourself.

He should not be there with you!!!

And why do you need to stay away from here just because he is there? 

Look up codependency. You have a problem not helping yourself!

It is NOT safe to be with him! Get him into detox if he agrees to go - but do not allow him to be in the house with you!


----------



## Cynthia

*Re: Update*

It is illegal to force someone out of their own home. Telling her that she can't let him back in the home is pointless. Besides that, she doesn't have the ability to really say no to him. She is completely wrapped up in him. It's a tangled mess that takes time to unravel. One step at a time.


----------



## Lostinthought61

*Re: Update*

if you could please read the book : The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence Mass Market by Gavin de Becker


----------



## Openminded

*Re: Update*

I agree, Cynthia. I felt from DL's first post years ago that her husband totally controlled their marriage. Breaking free of that type of relationship, especially when it's all you've known since you were 16 and now it's almost four decades later, is very, very difficult to say the least. I hoped then she could find her way out of that but didn't actually believe she would. Now? I still think he has the upper hand because she wants to believe what he says. Time will tell.


----------



## MattMatt

I have merged the threads.


----------



## Cynthia

*Re: Update*



MattMatt said:


> I have merged the threads.


Bless you. 0 
:grin2:


----------



## honcho

*Re: Update*



Devastated an lost said:


> I'm going to try to explain my situation in short, because it would take a book to explain it all. First of all I need to tell you he's had an on off drug problem for years & also the text I got stopped Jan 2018 nothing after that. that being said. I only had a couple of places I could go. As soon as he got home he started calling, leaving voice messages, text. None Stop. I went form outrage to begging to threats. My family members that I was staying with where so scared they called the police to patrol the area. My cousin slept on the couch with her pistol. I finally picked up the phone & talked to him. I tried to calm him down, Ask him to give me some time. I had hid our pistol, because I knew what was coming. That's why I said I didn't want to drag anybody down with me.
> 
> He was demanding to know where it was saying he would kill us both before he would lose me. Telling me I was his whole world, He couldn't live without me. This went on all night. My cousin & her H left for work, he called in & told them he needed some time off. The calls continued for hours. I sat there in horror & prayed for God to help me know what to do. Then a calmness came over me & I knew how to end it. I got in my car & dove home. I went in & got the pistol. I put it in his hand & told him go ahead & end this, I've lost everything, I'm ready. I stood in front of him & closed me eyes. He unloaded the gun took a hammer & broke it in half.
> 
> We spent the rest of the day & all night talking. I stood my ground. I told him I was not gonna be humiliated & disrespected any more, He had 2 choices kill me or let me go. I was sitting there just cold & dead inside.* He knew I was done*. He fell limp in the floor, held on to my legs, put his head in my lap & cried. He admitted to me everything he's done & that he had been on meth the whole time, But he took a look at himself & decided this wasn't the life he wanted. Without telling me he decided to get clean & try to repair the only thing that was important to him. As I've said things have been really good the past year.
> 
> I've seen him struggle with the guilt. Not a week goes by that he don't walk up & hold me & tell me he thanks god I'm still here. He told me he thought he could get himself clean & try to repair some of the damage he's done without me having to know & go through the things he did. He is so a sham of what he let himself become. He's been trying to find a way to tell me, But he was so afraid of losing me & for the first time in years he can see with a clear mind what standing in front of him. & just when he was getting there the bomb hit. I talked him into going back to work today, He's still calling me every little bit begging me to stay & give him a chance to prove he's changed. So that's where we are.
> 
> I know most of you are gonna tell me to run. We've been together our whole lives. I don't know if this can be repaired & honestly I don't know what's gonna happen now.


I know this isn't what you want to hear but he knew you weren't done. 

You should have just called the police and had him arrested once he threatened you and his own life. He's controlled and manipulated the situation just as he always has and he still thinks he has control over his addiction issues etc. and he doesn't and wont. He doesn't have anything close to a clear mind, yes he's scared of losing you but it's more because you've played such and integrated part of his dysfunction, not because of love. 

You've been part of this for so long it's your "normal", I understand that but this is so unhealthy and un-normal. You must get distance from him. He's desperate right now and desperate people do stupid things. Worrying about whether this can be repaired or not is the least of your problems right now.


----------



## Cynthia

*Re: Update*



honcho said:


> You've been part of this for so long it's your "normal", I understand that but this is so unhealthy and un-normal. You must get distance from him. He's desperate right now and desperate people do stupid things. Worrying about whether this can be repaired or not is the least of your problems right now.


This entire situation is desperate right now. I had a hard time reading her account of what happened. The whole thing is horrific. I had a visceral response to it and made a very Christian based post based on that not even knowing if she's a Christian or not. I cannot think of a time I've done that before. Normally I don't address people in that manner unless they have expressed that they are Christian. The whole thing is shocking.


----------



## Taxman

I want to tell you to run, but I know that you are going to stay. For your protection, I urge you to remove any further firearms from the house. Now, given the position he has left you in, I want you to have a post nuptial agreement hammered out. In said agreement, if he cheats again, if he uses again, if he lies again, there will be substantial penalties including having to sell the family home and handing you a sizeable chunk of the proceeds. There should be a spousal support clause having him sign over most of his pay to you. You need to be covered. I am sorry but anyone who can lie with a straight face for the length of time here cannot be trusted. You have to realize that in your heart of hearts. We all know addicts lie cheat and steal. Add to that the wayward mindset and you have a human lie machine. You need protection, even though you are softening, and staying, words and promises are insufficient. Go see a lawyer and have this drawn.

Please also keep in contact with the OWS. You will need to keep coordinating to keep this from reigniting, if it hasnt already.


----------



## FieryHairedLady

Op you need to find a battered woman’s shelter and get help now! This man is just crazy enough to kill you! 

No man is worth that!

That gun doesn’t belong in the house.

Call the cops and tell them what happened, that you were afraid and came back.

Don’t let him continue to abuse you!


----------



## aine

*Re: Update*



CynthiaDe said:


> I don't think that's what's going on here. I think she feels like she can't live without him, because she's been with him almost all of her life. It's not about craving drama. It's about how bonded she is to him. If you haven't been with someone that long, it's hard to image how someone in that position feels. I have an idea, because I've been with my husband for over 35 years, since I was 17. My entire life is built with my husband. Everything she has is intertwined with her husband.
> 
> I'm not saying she should stay. I'm saying that I think it's judgmental to say that her problem is that she loves drama when that's not what's going on here.


It’s a bad case of co-dependency. co dependents are also addicted, in this case to the meth head. Devastated, go to Nar Anon, or Co dependents Anonymous, PLEASE. &#55357;&#56911;&#55356;&#57339;


----------



## -Molly-

I have an idea. I think you should ask the OW since she is talking to you, if he was high on meth when they were together. Just my opinion, I think it's important to know, because right now he is blaming the meth on his behaviour. But as another poster pointed out, you most likely should have noticed he was using again. So was he really high? Or was he making these decisions to cheat on you while sober? Even still, he wasn't high 24/7, so where was the part of him that when sober, realized for these 5 years, that he was cheating on you and that he shouldn't be? Wouldn't he have put a stop to it at some point while sober, if he was truly sorry? 

And I also agree you must be careful, meth does damage the brain, so he most likely is not the same person in his mind.


----------



## turnera

*Re: Update*



Openminded said:


> I agree, Cynthia. I felt from DL's first post years ago that her husband totally controlled their marriage. Breaking free of that type of relationship, especially when it's all you've known since you were 16 and now it's almost four decades later, is very, very difficult to say the least. I hoped then she could find her way out of that but didn't actually believe she would. Now? I still think he has the upper hand because she wants to believe what he says. Time will tell.


I'm in the same boat - together 40 years, since age 20 (him 25). My IC is trying to help me learn to change my thinking (so what if he doesn't want to hear that you're unhappy; what's the worst that can happen if he gets mad?). IT IS SO HARD!


----------



## Openminded

*Re: Update*



turnera said:


> I'm in the same boat - together 40 years, since age 20 (him 25). My IC is trying to help me learn to change my thinking (so what if he doesn't want to hear that you're unhappy; what's the worst that can happen if he gets mad?). IT IS SO HARD!


It's definitely very hard to be married when it's an unequal partnership.


----------



## oldshirt

(I'm 55 so it's ok for me to say some of this stuff)

Does an 18 year old have more knowledge, life experience, wisdom, life skills, intuition, resources, self awareness, friends and family support than a 56 year old? 

Every year we send a new flock of millions of 18 year olds out into the world to pursue job training, education, employment, mates etc and pat them on the back and tell them what wonderful adventures and love and new experiences they will have as they begin their new lives and tell them to embrace the new life ahead of them as leave the only life they've ever known behind them. 

……..so if an 18 year old can leave their previous home life behind and move on to a new life and have it be a new adventurous and exciting time, why can't it be for a 56 year as well? 

Scary? Sure, I was terrified being thrust into the world at 18. Yet here I am.  I survived. I obtained education, job skills, gainful employment, love and companionship and good, productive, happy life. 

Would it be scary for me to leave my home and life that I have known for many years to hit the 'reset' button and reboot my life? You're darn toot'n that would be scary...…. but do you think I was better prepared for that at 18 or do you think I am better prepared for it now with 55 years of life experience and life skills and wisdom and insight at my disposal??

Where I am going with this is millions of young adults do this every day and do just fine and have a lot of fun and adventure in the process and they do not have any where near the experience, wisdom, insight and life skills and resources that a 56 year old does. 

With an end comes new beginnings. New opportunities. New challenges. New adventures. New goals. New perspectives. New knowledge and new skills. New jobs. New homes. New pastimes and hobbies. New passions. New callings. New friends. New loves. 

Change is scary. We as a species tend to catastrophize the thought of change. But it's really no different that an 18 year old walking across the stage at graduation and being sent out into the adult world......only a full grown adult already has adult knowledge, wisdom and life skills. 

As adults we tend to see divorce as failure and collapse. But it's just a transition. the only way it's a failure is to sit and wallow in despair and do nothing just as the only way an 18 year fails is to sit in mom's basement playing video games and trying to hold on to their previous life and not going out into the world. 

Walk across the stage, take your diploma and go forth into world of new options and opportunities and challenges ahead of you. Go to college. Pledge a sorority. Do Jello shots off of some buff dudes six-pack stomach. Hell join the Peace Corps or foster rescue kittens from the animal shelter I don't care. But grab life by the balls and go do whatever you want and whatever you see fit with your new freedom and new life.


----------



## Prodigal

I'm here to weigh in as a former battered spouse, married to an alcoholic. Please listen to what I have to say. You need to get out, get a restraining order against your husband, and refuse to have contact with him. I lived through a horrific night when my husband almost killed me while I was trying to escape.

The night I left, I realized my former husband had an unregistered hand gun in his office. What saved me? I got MAD. I mean, angrier than I'd ever been in my life. I was either going to walk out the door with my cat or I was going to die trying.

My husband attempted to block my exit. I started screaming at the top of my lungs. I'm sure the neighbors heard. Then he refused to let me have my cat's carrier. By some miracle - and my cat sensing evil - the cat remained hunkered down in the back seat of my car. Yeah, I made it to the car, fumbled with the key, then got started and began backing out of the driveway. My crazy husband had swung around to the driver's side, and threw open the door. I hit the gas, threw him off the door and sped away.

Within days, I was in court, filing for a restraining order. Two days later, my former husband was escorted from out home by THREE county police cars. He called me at work, begging me to let him go back into our house. F-that! See, I got angry enough to finally say I was tired of this crap.

Ultimately, the judge handed me a one year restraining order and told my husband I could live in our house while he could find somewhere else to live. I let him have the house. I knew he was crazy enough to kick in the basement window and shoot me over this.

I found a nice apartment, ghosted him, divorced him, and got on with my life.

You can do this. I'm living proof it CAN be done. 

Today, I live in a very spacious, brand-new apartment with a fantastic view of the mountains. I am safe. I am at peace. And no-damn-body is going to hurt me. Ever.


----------



## lucy999

You were SO CLOSE!!!! 

And I am coming to you as a former physically abused person who was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. It got so dangerous that I had to leave. I have no clue if my boyfriend was on drugs. To this day I think there are mental health issues with him. But I do know through my working in the legal field that meth is one of the worst drugs a person can take. Do you know what meth is made out of? Google it. It will make you sick to your stomach. This is what your husband is ingesting.

I know you won't leave, so I will just say a few things to you. I fear very much for your safety. I cried when I read your account of going back to him with the gun and telling him to kill you. I am horrified for you and the life that you live with him.

Get rid of all firearms in your home. Always sleep with your purse and keys either under your bed Or under your pillow. Always have your phone with you. Map out exits in your house For when the day will come to use one.

Read about codependency. Good luck. Be careful. Meth is nothing to **** with.


----------



## FieryHairedLady

I know why some people are saying "I know you won't leave". But what we should be telling her is that she may not want to leave, and this may be the hardest thing she has ever done, but she HAS TO DO IT!

Her life depends on it!

Sometimes you may not want to go to work, brush your teeth, do the dishes, take out the trash, whatever, but YOU DO IT! 

You need to get away from this man before he kills you!!

You told him either kill me, or let me go.

He didn't kill you.

Well now it is high time to get the hell out!!

Find a way!!


----------



## NobodySpecial

@EleGirl. I am sorry that I never remember your excellent abuse reference thread. Would you be willing to post here on my behalf?


----------



## threelittlestars

And just like that you are back under his control and manipulation.... 

You may think, HE IS GETTING HELP, he is changing, I am not letting him pull me back, IF HE DOES IT AGAIN I am GONE! 

but the truth is you are not going ANYWHERE. 

I think it is FOLLY to stay... But you know that, yet you stay anyway.... 

I hope you will not be a statistic. Praying for YOU.


----------



## EleGirl

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

========================================

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

* The USNational Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*
If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

In Canada: 
1-866-863-0511 (Toll Free) 
416-863-0511 (Toronto)
I need counselling, health care, mental health or financial services

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.


*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
​*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*



 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 

​


 *If you leave the family home: *



Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

​ 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.

Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.

=========================================
Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.

Here is a link to a thread about evidence gathering.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


----------



## Devastated an lost

*Re: Update*



stillthinking said:


> Some people need that crazy. As much as they say they hate it.
> 
> Being alone or with a stable person is boring to these individuals. They crave the up/down of the emotional roller coaster.
> 
> That is how you get to the point of handing your unstable spouse a gun and seeing where it goes.


You are very wrong about this. For 33 years we had a good marriage. He started out with pot, Then he got addicted to pills for a while. I could live with the pot. That was never a big deal. Then when the pills came along things started to get bad. Mood swings that kind of thing. I told him they where changing who he was & I didn't like this person, It was me or the pills. He took a week off work & laid on the couch sick as a dog, But he made it. That's the most drama we'd ever had in our marriage.

It wasn't until he started using meth that things got so bad. By this time we had been happy together for the past 33 years. No drama no cheating, As for me handing him the gun, I wanted him to pull the trigger. Because so far I haven't found the courage to do it myself. The only reason I'm still here is the fear of going to hell, although sometimes I wonder how much worse could it be. I have had time to listen to his story. We are sleeping in different rooms. I've told him I'm not sure if I will stay or go yet. I told him her H had left her if that's what he wanted to go to her & let me get on with my life. At this point I really don't care. I just want peace.

I've listened to him & compared the text it all matches. He says he hasn't seen her since I caught them. It was only texting here & there.Their are about 2 dozen text over 4 years. All about how they miss each other. The last 2 from her witch he never responded to. That was Jan 2018 he says that's when he couldn't live with it anymore & he's been clean with the exception of 2 set backs in the beginning. I remember back then he told me he had slipped up & was getting off of it. He didn't tell me it was a 4 year slip up. I can see the different's in him. I'm starting to see signs of the man I use to know again, So that checks out. For me that's still to much. I don't know if I can forgive him or ever trust him again. He has calmed down & offered to leave. I know he doesn't have anywhere to go either. Right now I'm just licking my wounds & thinking about what I want to do.


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## 3Xnocharm

He offered to leave, let him go. Your staying is enabling him. You say he has nowhere to go, well he is a grown man, he can figure something out. You can never go back to how things used to be before all this, and the healthy thing to do is to realize it and move yourself on to something better than what it has become. Praying for you.


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## Jaded1

*Re: Update*



Devastated an lost said:


> I can see the different's in him. I'm starting to see signs of the man I use to know again, So that checks out.


Really?

This is the same man that was threatening to harm you a few days ago.

This is the same man that forced your family member to sleep with a weapon at the ready a few days ago.

Please consider the great advice you're being given here, to seek-out some professional help for your personal safety and well-being.

The odds of him being able to end his drug abuse on his own is very slim, and you can't love him sober either. If he continues to use, you will not be safe in his presence.

Your situation is far more serious than infidelity at this time.


----------



## Devastated an lost

*Re: Update*



Jaded1 said:


> Really?
> 
> This is the same man that was threatening to harm you a few days ago.
> 
> This is the same man that forced your family member to sleep with a weapon at the ready a few days ago.
> 
> Please consider the great advice you're being given here, to seek-out some professional help for your personal safety and well-being.
> 
> The odds of him being able to end his drug abuse on his own is very slim, and you can't love him sober either. If he continues to use, you will not be safe in his presence.
> 
> Your situation is far more serious than infidelity at this time.


I know you're right. He's always panicked when backed into a corner. I'm just so beat down right now. I really don't care about my safety anymore.


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## sunsetmist

You are depressed, get treatment. Also, you blame your depression because you do not want to leave him. Except the deal is the man you knew and cared for has left you--the real guy will never return. This guy lies, cheats, abuses you and himself.

Nobody said leaving would be easy--it is not--as others here have testified. Think about this: you leaving may be the wake-up call he needs--just don't ever go back.


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## alte Dame

I don't know if you remember me, D an L, but I, like everyone else, had been pulling for you. I still am. One thing I know from getting older, though, is that it can take a long time to heal from this sort of betrayal - a long time if you leave, a longer time if you stay, in my experience.

Your WH needs professional help. He's been trying to treat himself, but that clearly isn't working - he may have been 'a better husband' in the last year, but look at what he's done. I think you know that you can't fix him. I sense from your posts that you know that.

I also believe that the love doesn't usually leave in an instant. With so many years invested, it is SO hard.

The calls for you to get professional help for yourself are helpful, imo. I understand that you feel beaten down, but baby steps might work for you - a phone call to a clinic today to get the ball rolling, a visit to the bank later in the week to make sure your accounts are safe for you, etc. The gun element is terrifying and you have to start taking some permanent steps to protect yourself, even if you feel right now that it doesn't matter, that things are so hopeless that you're OK if he hurts you. Please get some help to ensure your physical safety first and then to address these feelings of despair. The feelings are completely understandable, but can drive us to do things that we don't really want to do. 

Feeling alone in something like this can magnify the sense of despair. But no man is an island, and you have family who can help to keep you anchored. You need to take care of *you* now, not your WH. Figure out what your first step is this week, and reach out to take it.

Best,
AD


----------



## Devastated an lost

alte Dame said:


> I don't know if you remember me, D an L, but I, like everyone else, had been pulling for you. I still am. One thing I know from getting older, though, is that it can take a long time to heal from this sort of betrayal - a long time if you leave, a longer time if you stay, in my experience.
> 
> Your WH needs professional help. He's been trying to treat himself, but that clearly isn't working - he may have been 'a better husband' in the last year, but look at what he's done. I think you know that you can't fix him. I sense from your posts that you know that.
> 
> I also believe that the love doesn't usually leave in an instant. With so many years invested, it is SO hard.
> 
> The calls for you to get professional help for yourself are helpful, imo. I understand that you feel beaten down, but baby steps might work for you - a phone call to a clinic today to get the ball rolling, a visit to the bank later in the week to make sure your accounts are safe for you, etc. The gun element is terrifying and you have to start taking some permanent steps to protect yourself, even if you feel right now that it doesn't matter, that things are so hopeless that you're OK if he hurts you. Please get some help to ensure your physical safety first and then to address these feelings of despair. The feelings are completely understandable, but can drive us to do things that we don't really want to do.
> 
> Feeling alone in something like this can magnify the sense of despair. But no man is an island, and you have family who can help to keep you anchored. You need to take care of *you* now, not your WH. Figure out what your first step is this week, and reach out to take it.
> 
> Best,
> AD


Yes I remember you. Thank you for caring. I feel pressure from both sides, Him wanting me to work it out, others wanting me to leave. I haven't told him I would stay. We're sleeping in separate rooms. He's gone back to work today. I haven't had time to process what's happened yet. Right now I'm just trying to fight the urge to take every pill in this house & simply go to sleep.


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## FieryHairedLady

Devastated an lost said:


> Yes I remember you. Thank you for caring. I feel pressure from both sides, Him wanting me to work it out, others wanting me to leave. I haven't told him I would stay. We're sleeping in separate rooms. He's gone back to work today. I haven't had time to process what's happened yet. Right now I'm just trying to fight the urge to take every pill in this house & simply go to sleep.


You need to get to a women's crisis center you need help.

You need to call family and tell them that you are feeling this way.


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## lifeistooshort

Take him up on his offer to leave.

His response will tell you a lot.

Whether he has anywhere to go isn't your problem....let him feel real consequences.

He raged, threatened, threw a tantrum, and you folded. How was he "backed into a corner"? He created this.

It would shock me if he actually left peacefully. Rage and bullying works for him.


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## Devastated an lost

lifeistooshort said:


> Take him up on his offer to leave.
> 
> His response will tell you a lot.
> 
> Whether he has anywhere to go isn't your problem....let him feel real consequences.
> 
> He raged, threatened, threw a tantrum, and you folded. How was he "backed into a corner"? He created this.
> 
> It would shock me if he actually left peacefully. Rage and bullying works for him.


That's what I'm thinking about doing.


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## lucy999

Will you please reach out to someone IRL and get some help for you? Today? Right now?

You know the way you are feeling isn't right.

Please tell him to leave. You feel sorry for him because he has no place to go. I TOTALLY GET IT. That was part of the reason why it took me so long to pull the plug on my own long abusive relationship. But you know what? He landed on his feet because he was such a grifter and con artist and a superb liar. He had no problem finding shelter and food. I suspect itll be the same for your husband.

He is toxic and a drug addict. Meth is the worst! This simply can't go on. You have GOT to find the fortitude to get him out. This is not love. It is codependency and fear.

I made it out. You can too. I am now married to a wonderful man and have the most loving stepdaughter and life is wonderful. I am pissed I waited so long to give that abusive ******* the boot.

PLEASE HELP YOURSELF. There are people who love and care about you. Don't give up. Give HIM up.


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## Openminded

Doing nothing is always easier than doing something. I know. I did that for decades because I couldn't pull the plug. 

Last time this came up it was suggested that you get a job and let that money accumulate in case you needed it someday. Did that happen?


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## threelittlestars

You have a lot mentally invested in this man. But he is a sinking ship. YOU NEED TO BAIL but you keep thinking, 33 years. 

YOU NEED TO STOP THE 33 YEAR THINKING. He is this way now. NOW... he has threatened your life, and contributed to this deep depression you find yourself in. But it wont change while he is in your life.


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## Devastated an lost

Openminded said:


> Doing nothing is always easier than doing something. I know. I did that for decades because I couldn't pull the plug.
> 
> Last time this came up it was suggested that you get a job and let that money accumulate in case you needed it someday. Did that happen?


Yes I got a house cleaning job. Not much money in that, but it was all I could get. I have a little tucked away, but not enough to get me far. The man I was working for passed away last year.


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## Kamstel

Can you reach out to any social services or church organizations and ask for help?

That’s what those organizations are for. They help people in need.


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## Devastated an lost

Kamstel said:


> Can you reach out to any social services or church organizations and ask for help?
> 
> That’s what those organizations are for. They help people in need.


I haven't really thought about that. I do have family I can go to, But I've told you all how that turned out. This is a small town it would be very hard to find a place to hide.


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## FieryHairedLady

Leave town, call the womens shelter, see what the options are.


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## alte Dame

Call a hotline - suicide prevention or domestic assault. Just find out what options you might have that you don't know about. So many people just assume that they can't do things, when many things are actually possible.

For now, tell him that you need your space and ask him to leave. He can believe that it's temporary (maybe it is), but get some quiet time for yourself so that you can think and plan. And then start truly planning. Make some calls. Start seeing what life on your own would really look like, not just what you assume.


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## Cynthia

I know this is extremely difficult to deal with. You are too tangled up in him. You have lost your sense of self. You can get that back, but you have to work a plan in order to do it. 

I suggest you and your husband sell the house and use the money to start over in an area that has jobs. You should be able to get into school and find a career that you'll like. You could go to school and in a few months to two years, you could have a career level job. If you don't mind drawing blood, you could be a phlebotomist. The training is short. I know you are in a state of shock, but when I'm in a state of shock I go into immediate action looking for answers and solutions. If you do that, it will give you a sense of hope and something to do. Start to look for answers.

We each have a personal responsibility to care for ourselves. I understand your desire to care for you husband. It's not a crime to love your husband, even when he has gone crazy. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I do, however, think there is a real problem when you are unable to care for yourself because your husband has you paralyzed.

True love is when someone puts your well-being first and wants what is best for you. If your husband actually loves you, he will not only take responsibility for himself, but he will also want to help you get healthy as well. He will be willing to sell the house, split the proceeds, and allow each of you to focus on getting well. I think that includes getting to an area where you will be able to find a decent paying job and have a safe place to live.


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## Oldtimer

I haven’t read your whole thread, but I do know that you need help. I believe I glanced somewhere that someone has given you some phone numbers to contact. Please do so.

You can’t fix him unless he wants to be fixed, but you can get the help you need to gain strength and move on if necessary.

Your last post saddens me and i don’t even know you. As a complete yet caring stranger, I implore you to seek strength. In my life, I have seen and done much even to the point that you’re at and believe me it’s a struggle, but, once through there is so much living to do.

After my first wife left, I was at one of my lowest points since my parents had died within a year of each other when I was 20.

I was left with 4 teenage sons at 49 years of age. I turned myself around and fought for MYSELF. In the years since, I remarried, and together my wife and I have a brood of 8 kids, 17 grands and 2 and a bit great grands.

Trust me, even though age and illness have stricken us, life is beautiful.

With great caring.

OT


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## turnera

Devastated an lost said:


> I haven't really thought about that. I do have family I can go to, But I've told you all how that turned out. This is a small town it would be very hard to find a place to hide.


Sounds like a perfect time to pull up stakes and move somewhere. Somewhere else. People do it all the time.


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## Devastated an lost

Things are looking a lot brighter this morning. We've been up talking most of the night. He's agreed to go to C both separate & MC, He will move out until or if I get ready for him to come back. We have both realized we have a self destructive side when we get emotional about things. We've decided that instead of trying to fix each other we need to fix our selves first. A lot of you here have said that to me. Thank you it finally stuck. For the first time maybe ever I feel like I'm gonna be ok no matter what the outcome is. Thank you all for being here when I was at my lowest...


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## Cynthia

This is a good start. Please make a plan with your therapist. Don't only talk about the issues, but talk about a plan to make things better. I truly think you need to get out of the country and into a more urban area where there is training and jobs available. I hate to say this, but you aren't getting any younger. I personally got back into college this year and I'm in my mid 50's. It's pretty much now or never. I've been a homemaker for about 24 years, but want to get back into the workforce. 



Devastated an lost said:


> Things are looking a lot brighter this morning. We've been up talking most of the night. He's agreed to go to C both separate & MC, He will move out until or if I get ready for him to come back. We have both realized we have a self destructive side when we get emotional about things. We've decided that instead of trying to fix each other we need to fix our selves first. A lot of you here have said that to me. Thank you it finally stuck. For the first time maybe ever I feel like I'm gonna be ok no matter what the outcome is. Thank you all for being here when I was at my lowest...


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Devastated an lost said:


> Things are looking a lot brighter this morning. We've been up talking most of the night. He's agreed to go to C both separate & MC, He will move out until or if I get ready for him to come back. We have both realized we have a self destructive side when we get emotional about things. We've decided that instead of trying to fix each other we need to fix our selves first. A lot of you here have said that to me. Thank you it finally stuck. For the first time maybe ever I feel like I'm gonna be ok no matter what the outcome is. Thank you all for being here when I was at my lowest...


This is a good development, it sounds like you are finally breathing again. I think once he is away from you, you will be able to gain some clarity and focus on yourself.


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## alte Dame

You have a real plan now, not just minute-by-minute reaction. A healthy, mature, adult plan is good. But...I would say that it's better for each of you to have IC for a while before you even consider MC. I think that this could help you address the ongoing effects of his behavior on you. You are in shock now and will probably be faced with a lot of hurt as the 'five years, at least 50 times' really sinks in. Your mind will take some time to reprogram itself to these revelations and doing it with your own therapist would be very helpful, in my opinion.

Also, I think getting some space for yourself is a great first step.

Glad to hear that you are feeling more in control now.


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## lifeistooshort

Good update.

Any real reconciliation can't be based on him bullying/threatening/harassing, you not having options, or it just being easier to stay.

If he really wants to repair things he'll leave you alone and put himself together.

You absolutely need to get some job training. This is such a classic example of the risk of being financially dependent.


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## Cynthia

lifeistooshort said:


> You absolutely need to get some job training. This is such a classic example of the risk of being financially dependent.


Yes! I made sure my girls had an education they could fall back on, because I knew the position I have been in not having that. It's not only about if your husband turns into a jerk. It's about being able to take care of yourself should something happen to your husband. As we get older, I realize that I am likely to outlive my husband and would have a difficult time supporting myself, so I'm doing something about that. I waited until all my children were grown, then I got back into college.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

CynthiaDe said:


> Yes! I made sure my girls had an education they could fall back on, because I knew the position I have been in not having that. It's not only about if your husband turns into a jerk. It's about being able to take care of yourself should something happen to your husband. As we get older, I realize that I am likely to outlive my husband and would have a difficult time supporting myself, so I'm doing something about that. I waited until all my children were grown, then I got back into college.


Yes...
Not only did I expect this of my daughters, I expected it of my wife before we got married. Not because I thought I would turn into a jerk, and not even because I was concerned about her contributing to the marriage. But so she had that to fall back on should something/anything go wrong.


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## lucy999

Wonderful update! You sound so much better than yesterday. Forge ahead.


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## lifeistooshort

CynthiaDe said:


> Yes! I made sure my girls had an education they could fall back on, because I knew the position I have been in not having that. It's not only about if your husband turns into a jerk. It's about being able to take care of yourself should something happen to your husband. As we get older, I realize that I am likely to outlive my husband and would have a difficult time supporting myself, so I'm doing something about that. I waited until all my children were grown, then I got back into college.


I can't tell you what a difference it made when I left my ex last year that I can support myself quite nicely.

In fact, when I gave our salaries to my lawyer he accidentally switched them.....he assumed that the much higher one was his 

I don't have daughters but I've advised my sons not to support stay at homes. I'm trying to raise them to be partners in the house so this is fair. It's just too risky for all involved.


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## member2012

not necessarily, no reason to cause a person more pain than necessary. You can absolutely be remorseful without all the details.


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## member2012

re16 said:


> Cheaters cheat. Cheaters lie. Why do you keep believing him?
> 
> He's been lying to you the entire time and you now have proof.
> 
> You say this affair one time thing for him, reality is it was actually the one time he got caught. How can you be sure there are not others when this degree of lying is occurring?
> 
> All the guilt and remorse and hard work was not true reconciliation because he knew he was lying. It was a false front. He said what he had to to get you off his case and it worked.
> 
> You've been duped. Probably more times than you know.
> 
> I think you should tell him that you talked to OW's husband and see what he has to say. ASAP. Life is too short for this kind of BS.
> 
> This is your D-Day #2. There likely will be more to come.
> 
> I am sorry this is happening to you.


You don't know these people and you don't know that you are correct when you say it wasn't a one time thing. There are many people out in the world who are not comfortable cheating and it really can be a one time thing. It takes confidence to cheat, and not everybody has that amount of confidence in themselves. Not everybody is a narcissist.


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## member2012

It depends on a lot of things. Do you want to consider a divorce? Do you want to split your assets? it takes time to acquire assets, do you want to do the tall over again? The development of ones assets are equally as important as interpersonal relationship development. Do you have kids? Are you satisfied in your relationship with him currently? Perhaps you need to revisit the past and then you can move forward. If you are a well developed person than all of these parts of your life come into play equally.


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## member2012

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm just sorry it took me 38 years to find out I never knew the man I was married to. I've never been with anybody but him. We've been together since we where 16. He never wanted me to work, So I'm starting over at age 56 with no kind of work experience what so ever. Not only am I crushed by what he did & he told her of other things, He's always cheated. I am also terrified of trying to make it own my own.


You have to have a better plan than just leave at this point in your life. At your age and not having worked, you need to stay married until you know you can secure a good settlement. Live separately, but no divorce and don't get a job.


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## Devastated an lost

member2012 said:


> You have to have a better plan than just leave at this point in your life. At your age and not having worked, you need to stay married until you know you can secure a good settlement. Live separately, but no divorce and don't get a job.


 After a lot of talking with my H & hers I've learned she is spiteful, self centered & a layer. After my H stopped responding to her text she posted pics. of the place they use to go. She knew I would see them & I did. I didn't know why after 5 years she would do this. Before, I didn't say anything to anybody. I handled my business with my H in privet. so I guess she never thought I'd make it public. I posted on all 6 pics she put on there. The first one I said what kind of person post pictures of the place they screwed there friends H in there FAMILY ALBUM. The next one I put I wonder what "I put her H's name' would think about these & so on. It was out there for everybody to see. This is what got her caught.

Some of the things she told I know were lies, But when I first started hearing everything I couldn't wrap my head around it. I mean what kind of person would admit to things that didn't happen just to get back at somebody. Everything my H told me has checked out I double checked some things with her H & then there's what I know. 5 years later my H told me the same story he did when I caught them. I threw trick questions at him. He gave all the same answers. As far as what happened since. I've learned she came by his place of work a couple of months after I caught them. Iv'e talked to someone I trust that he works with. Their stories match he told her to leave, Then she started calling him.

He should've came strait to me, But he didn't He started out talking to her to calm her down, Then he got sucked back in. There where 1 or 2 text a month about how they missed each other. He swears he never saw her in person after she came to his work. When this started back up he started doing meth because he couldn't deal with it. He never got on it real bad, But he used on & off the whole 4 years that this played out. As I said before even that wouldn't stop the guilt, So he just stopped responding to her test & started working on getting clean. I know this man better than he knows himself. After I had time to calm down & look into some things I don't believe he's capable of all the things she's saying. So that's where we are now.


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## alte Dame

It sounds like you are satisfied with the basis of truth that you have now and that you can make decisions based on that. I hope you are using it to move forward with your plan to deal with it. Space from your WH, counseling for each of you, and, with luck, a job that produces some income for you.

He needs serious help, in my opinion. His drug habit is no joke. He may be clean at the moment, but he needs treatment to help him stay clean and to find out why his coping mechanisms are to do meth and have affairs.


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## Cynthia

member2012 said:


> It depends on a lot of things. Do you want to consider a divorce? Do you want to split your assets? it takes time to acquire assets, do you want to do the tall over again? The development of ones assets are equally as important as interpersonal relationship development. Do you have kids? Are you satisfied in your relationship with him currently? Perhaps you need to revisit the past and then you can move forward. If you are a well developed person than all of these parts of your life come into play equally.


 All that goes out the window when your spouse threatens to kill you. Assets are of no value to the dead.




Devastated an lost said:


> I don't believe he's capable of all the things she's saying. So that's where we are now.


We are all capable of terrible things just as we are all capable of great things. It depends on the decisions we make which things we will do.


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## ConanHub

I'm a little too angry to post coherent or helpful advice.

A very sweet young woman we know was just hospitalized by her boyfriend and is not wanting to press charges even though she is leaving him.

Please be safe and seriously follow the advice given here by women in the know.


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## Devastated an lost

ConanHub said:


> I'm a little too angry to post coherent or helpful advice.
> 
> A very sweet young woman we know was just hospitalized by her boyfriend and is not wanting to press charges even though she is leaving him.
> 
> Please be safe and seriously follow the advice given here by women in the know.


I'm not afraid of him. He goes to the extreme with his words when he's upset. In the 40 years I've known him this is the first time he's went that far & I knew he was just blowing smoke. He freaked out because I was gone. he has never been physically violet in any situation. He's never made me feel like he was going to hit me or anything close to that. I was gone & he was saying anything he could to get me to come talk to him. He's not to bright on how to deal with things, But all he's ever done is yell. I know it sounds bad, But he's not a physical violet man.


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## ConanHub

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm not afraid of him. He goes to the extreme with his words when he's upset. In the 40 years I've known him this is the first time he's went that far & I knew he was just blowing smoke. He freaked out because I was gone. he has never been physically violet in any situation. He's never made me feel like he was going to hit me or anything close to that. I was gone & he was saying anything he could to get me to come talk to him. He's not to bright on how to deal with things, But all he's ever done is yell. I know it sounds bad, But he's not a physical violet man.


Ok sweetheart, but just remember that emotional violence isn't anything to be taken lightly either.

I have introduced men's faces to pavement and knocked them senseless for using the wrong words in combination with a hostile attitude towards women.

Dangerous words are not harmless. He should NEVER threaten violence or death unless he is ready to pay as if he was serious.

I have seen too much to play patty cake with men who talk and act dangerous.


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## Diana7

All this talk of making sure that we can support ourselves made me think. 
I was blessed to be able to stay at home with my kids, while doing some on and off part time jobs.
For me being with them was far more important than worrying what may or may not happen IF one day I was on my own. I worked full time from 18, we bought our first home at 20, I was far too busy paying bills and a mortgage, running a home and being a wife from that age to even think about studying. 
Once I had my kids (first one at age 21) I was so thankful that I could stay at home with them. I never ever regret that. 

Guess what, when my marriage ended after 23 years, my three children and I survived. We didn't have much but we didn't starve and all my bills got paid. It wasn't easy, but nothing is more precious than having those years with the children.
I honestly believe that any person, especially if their children are adults,can survive alone. They will probably only need a part time job. So to stay because of the fear of managing alone isn't always valid.


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## Diana7

Devastated an lost said:


> After a lot of talking with my H & hers I've learned she is spiteful, self centered & a layer. After my H stopped responding to her text she posted pics. of the place they use to go. She knew I would see them & I did. I didn't know why after 5 years she would do this. Before, I didn't say anything to anybody. I handled my business with my H in privet. so I guess she never thought I'd make it public. I posted on all 6 pics she put on there. The first one I said what kind of person post pictures of the place they screwed there friends H in there FAMILY ALBUM. The next one I put I wonder what "I put her H's name' would think about these & so on. It was out there for everybody to see. This is what got her caught.
> 
> Some of the things she told I know were lies, But when I first started hearing everything I couldn't wrap my head around it. I mean what kind of person would admit to things that didn't happen just to get back at somebody. Everything my H told me has checked out I double checked some things with her H & then there's what I know. 5 years later my H told me the same story he did when I caught them. I threw trick questions at him. He gave all the same answers. As far as what happened since. I've learned she came by his place of work a couple of months after I caught them. Iv'e talked to someone I trust that he works with. Their stories match he told her to leave, Then she started calling him.
> 
> He should've came strait to me, But he didn't He started out talking to her to calm her down, Then he got sucked back in. There where 1 or 2 text a month about how they missed each other. He swears he never saw her in person after she came to his work. When this started back up he started doing meth because he couldn't deal with it. He never got on it real bad, But he used on & off the whole 4 years that this played out. As I said before even that wouldn't stop the guilt, So he just stopped responding to her test & started working on getting clean. I know this man better than he knows himself. After I had time to calm down & look into some things I don't believe he's capable of all the things she's saying. So that's where we are now.


 You seem to be doing what a lot of cheated on spouses do, put nearly all of the blame on the other person and not much on the spouse. 
I have no idea how you could ever trust him again after all his years of lies and deception.


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## Devastated an lost

ConanHub said:


> Ok sweetheart, but just remember that emotional violence isn't anything to be taken lightly either.
> 
> I have introduced men's faces to pavement and knocked them senseless for using the wrong words in combination with a hostile attitude towards women.
> 
> Dangerous words are not harmless. He should NEVER threaten violence or death unless he is ready to pay as if he was serious.
> 
> I have seen too much to play patty cake with men who talk and act dangerous.


 I agree with you. My step-Dad was a violet man. He beat my Mother on a weekly basses. It took her 9 years to break free from that vicious cycle. He beat us kids with a belt. I vowed I would never live with someone like that. If I thought for one minute he would really hurt me I wouldn't be here. That's probably the one thing I'd be most likely to leave him for. It takes something really extreme to get him upset.

I've said stupid things about harming myself in the heat of the moment. The first thing he did was to destroy the gun, Because my reaction scared him. He said if we were gonna say stupid things like that we didn't need a gun in the house.


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## Devastated an lost

Diana7 said:


> You seem to be doing what a lot of cheated on spouses do, put nearly all of the blame on the other person and not much on the spouse.
> I have no idea how you could ever trust him again after all his years of lies and deception.


I don't either & I'm not there yet. But I do know what kind of man he was for the first 33 years of our marriage. The OW's husband told me it makes her feel powerful to come between a good marriage & that she had broken up so meany homes & destroyed countless lives. He thought he could change her. He said from knowing my H in the business since for 10 years he thought he was a good man. He told me think about it you know him. Don't let her destroy another marriage. He said when he ask her why she did it, she told him it was a challenge.


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## lucy999

When is he moving out?


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## 3Xnocharm

Devastated an lost said:


> I don't either & I'm not there yet. But I do know what kind of man he was for the first 33 years of our marriage. The OW's husband told me it makes her feel powerful to come between a good marriage & that she had broken up so meany homes & destroyed countless lives. He thought he could change her. He said from knowing my H in the business since for 10 years he thought he was a good man. He told me think about it you know him. Don't let her destroy another marriage. He said when he ask her why she did it, she told him it was a challenge.




You know what kind of man he used to be, but you cannot live in the past. You have to deal with who he is now. And who he is now is a liar, a drug abuser, and a cheater. That is not the kind of man any woman should wish to be married to. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## alte Dame

D an L - It's so common to hear 'he was never like that,' when something terrible happens. It's a tragic cliché. All it takes is one time, no matter how you think you know him. People can snap when they hit rock bottom and your WH has been on meth. He is faced with the consequences of his cheating and lying, which could mean losing you and the life he has known. This is a scary cocktail of facts.

Please follow through with your plan to get some space from him. I doubt that you will press charges against him, given what you've said here (although you should - there are reasons for the laws that we have), but you can get yourself away from the situation so that you can think in some peace.


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## Openminded

You don't want a divorce and he doesn't want a divorce so reconciliation is the likely path at this point. But never, ever trust him 100% again. That would be very foolish considering what he's done. You think you know him but the truth is no one ever completely knows what someone else is capable of. Protect yourself. And look for another job. You need some independence from him.


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## Kamstel

Have you found a counselor FOR YOU yet?

Whatever the outcome may be, make sure it is one where you are happy


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## Devastated an lost

Openminded said:


> You don't want a divorce and he doesn't want a divorce so reconciliation is the likely path at this point. But never, ever trust him 100% again. That would be very foolish considering what he's done. You think you know him but the truth is no one ever completely knows what someone else is capable of. Protect yourself. And look for another job. You need some independence from him.


Thank you. People keep saying he use to be a good person like 6 years erases who you've been your whole life. I've got 40 years of my life invested here. Almost all of them good. I'm not saying that I can live with what he's done. I'm not sure if he can either. He did stop & start trying to work on himself over a year ago & he has succeeded in staying clean. I don't know if I can forgive this, But I feel like we owe it to ourselves to at least try before walking away from a lifetime together. 

It's like nobody thinks a good person can let himself get sucked into a bad situation & make all the wrong choices. She told her H she did it because it was a challenge & when it didn't work out like she wanted she did everything in her power to finish the job. There are people like that in the world. Does that make what he did any less bad? Hell No! It may not work out for us, But I'm dealing with it the only way I know how...


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## Cynthia

Please stop talking to those people. That woman is a toxic waste dump. You cannot believe a word she says. She obviously delights in manipulating people and created havoc. Any further contact is just asking for drama and trouble. Block them. You will never receive another piece of useful information from them again. Remember she is not only trying to manipulate you, but she is manipulating her husband as well. Who knows why she says anything except to create drama, which is why anything at all that she says is highly suspect. Do not take anything you have heard from them as fact.

*Block them.
Block them.
Block them.*


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## Devastated an lost

CynthiaDe said:


> Please stop talking to those people. That woman is a toxic waste dump. You cannot believe a word she says. She obviously delights in manipulating people and created havoc. Any further contact is just asking for drama and trouble. Block them. You will never receive another piece of useful information from them again. Remember she is not only trying to manipulate you, but she is manipulating her husband as well. Who knows why she says anything except to create drama, which is why anything at all that she says is highly suspect. Do not take anything you have heard from them as fact.
> 
> *Block them.
> Block them.
> Block them.*


Her H is the one that told me this when he called me. I pretty much already knew what she was. It took my H a little longer to figure it out. We have blocked both of them on both our phones.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Devastated an lost said:


> Her H is the one that told me this when he called me. I pretty much already knew what she was. It took my H a little longer to figure it out. We have blocked both of them on both our phones.


Forgive me if I'm overreaching here, but while giving you kudos for recognizing what and who she is, it sounds like you are using what she is as an excuse for your husband's behavior. 

Don't do that.


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## Devastated an lost

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Forgive me if I'm overreaching here, but while giving you kudos for recognizing what and who she is, it sounds like you are using what she is as an excuse for your husband's behavior.
> 
> Don't do that.



I have went back & forth with that. I guess it's easier to blame her, But I know he put himself out there. I think I needed to hear that.


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## lucy999

You must've missed my question. When is he moving out? Or is he?


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## Devastated an lost

lucy999 said:


> You must've missed my question. When is he moving out? Or is he?


Sorry, I did see your question. I replied to a couple & forgot. For now he's sleeping in the other room & staying away from me unless I want to talk. He's spending most of his time in his shed. He leaves his phone in the house with me.


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## lucy999

Just take it slowly, one day at a time.:smile2:


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## Devastated an lost

lucy999 said:


> Just take it slowly, one day at a time.:smile2:


He did offer to leave, But he was only going next door. I didn't see any since in going to all the trouble for him to be out in his shed anyway. He is finally giving me a little space.


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## Cynthia

I'm glad you blocked them.

The other woman may be a deliberate home wrecker, but your husband could have come to you and told you immediately what was going on. That would have put up a hedge against her, but instead he hid the situation from you and got into meth. He participated.


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## Devastated an lost

CynthiaDe said:


> I'm glad you blocked them.
> 
> The other woman may be a deliberate home wrecker, but your husband could have come to you and told you immediately what was going on. That would have put up a hedge against her, but instead he hid the situation from you and got into meth. He participated.[/QUO
> 
> You hit the nail on the head. Even if it was nothing but a few text. I don't know if I can get past the betrayal.


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## aine

Devastated an lost said:


> CynthiaDe said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm glad you blocked them.
> 
> The other woman may be a deliberate home wrecker, but your husband could have come to you and told you immediately what was going on. That would have put up a hedge against her, but instead he hid the situation from you and got into meth. He participated.[/QUO
> 
> You hit the nail on the head. Even if it was nothing but a few text. I don't know if I can get past the betrayal.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm sorry Devastated but it does not matter what or who she is, your WH still did what he did, he is still culpable, he still lied to you, threatened you when you confronted him, none of that has changed at all. You have to stop rationalising what he has done and see it for what it is.
Click to expand...


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## Cynthia

aine said:


> Devastated an lost said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm sorry Devastated but it does not matter what or who she is, your WH still did what he did, he is still culpable, he still lied to you, threatened you when you confronted him, none of that has changed at all. You have to stop rationalising what he has done and see it for what it is.
> 
> 
> 
> Forgiveness doesn't equate reconciliation. I believe forgiveness is essential for healing. But in order for forgiveness to take place, we have to face truth head on. Accept what he is done and who he is. He is a mixture of good and bad, like the rest of us. But at this time, a relationship with him may be more bad than good. It may be dangerous for you. Seriously dangerous; you were willing to die because of what he did. That is not healthy for either of you.
> 
> You may live in the most beautiful place on earth, but it's not a place of peace. You are not at peace on your own little slice of earth. You need to be able to meet your personal responsibilities to care for yourself. I know I keep harping on this, but it would be much better for you to move to a location that has a way for you to get trained for a career and to work in that career. Living out in the middle of nowhere isn't proving to be a healthy location for you. Also, they do have parks in town and you can drive to the country for nature.
Click to expand...


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## Devastated an lost

CynthiaDe said:


> aine said:
> 
> 
> 
> Forgiveness doesn't equate reconciliation. I believe forgiveness is essential for healing. But in order for forgiveness to take place, we have to face truth head on. Accept what he is done and who he is. He is a mixture of good and bad, like the rest of us. But at this time, a relationship with him may be more bad than good. It may be dangerous for you. Seriously dangerous; you were willing to die because of what he did. That is not healthy for either of you.
> 
> You may live in the most beautiful place on earth, but it's not a place of peace. You are not at peace on your own little slice of earth. You need to be able to meet your personal responsibilities to care for yourself. I know I keep harping on this, but it would be much better for you to move to a location that has a way for you to get trained for a career and to work in that career. Living out in the middle of nowhere isn't proving to be a healthy location for you. Also, they do have parks in town and you can drive to the country for nature.
> 
> 
> 
> I have thought about that. This place has been in his family for 3 generations he was born raised here, so was our Son. He works in a family business & has been there through out our whole marriage. We both Love it here. Even if we wanted to move the work situation is not optional.
Click to expand...


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## lucy999

Devastated an lost said:


> I have thought about that. This place has been in his family for 3 generations he was born raised here, so was our Son. He works in a family business & has been there through out our whole marriage. We both Love it here. Even if we wanted to move the work situation is not optional.


I know it's hard but I urge you to stop thinking of "we" and start thinking of "you". That "we" mentality (among other things) is what keeps you stuck in this relationship.


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## lifeistooshort

Him moving next door is irrelevant.

The point is consequences for him....and so far he's experienced very little.

He should go through the hassle of leaving no matter where he goes.


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## Prodigal

You are rationalizing. And you know it. The real tragedy here is that you accept this.

My take? You are going to stay. That's okay. Your life. Your choice.

All I can add is this: Freedom to be who you are, untethered from this man, is a joy you may never experience.


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## alte Dame

It sounds like the bottom line is that it's unrealistic to think that you will move. It's also unrealistic to think that you will leave for good or kick him out for good.

You say you don't know if you can get over the betrayal. First, you will probably never get over it, but will survive it and learn to live with it. Second, your position of hurt is magnified by the fact that his consequences have been minimal.

So, knowing that you probably won't move out or kick him out, what consequences can you demand that will give you a measure of peace? He's the one who has to do the work. What do YOU think he could do that would help you?


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## Devastated an lost

alte Dame said:


> It sounds like the bottom line is that it's unrealistic to think that you will move. It's also unrealistic to think that you will leave for good or kick him out for good.
> 
> You say you don't know if you can get over the betrayal. First, you will probably never get over it, but will survive it and learn to live with it. Second, your position of hurt is magnified by the fact that his consequences have been minimal.
> 
> So, knowing that you probably won't move out or kick him out, what consequences can you demand that will give you a measure of peace? He's the one who has to do the work. What do YOU think he could do that would help you?



A lot has happened since I've posted. OW's H came to our house & confronted my H. They sat on the porch for 2 hours at 2 am & talked. I stayed in the house, But heard everything. A lot of things that where said. I needed to hear. The last thing my H told him was , He wanted her to leave us both alone, That she was the biggest mistake he'd ever made in his life. The only thing that mattered to him was sitting in this house & I've put her through hell. He said if she can find it in her heart to forgive me. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make her life as good as I can & I'm not even sure that it's not already to little to late. He's had to deal with that, Our son & everybody at work knowing what he did. Sleeping in separate rooms, All the while me telling him, I'm not sure if this can be fixed & I wasn't sure if I would stay. 

I know most of you won't believe this, but when I left, I had made my mind up that I couldn't live like this anymore. I had a real plan in place for the first time in my life. Keep in mind at the time I thought he was still having a full blown A & that he had probably slipped up with the meth. All I had time to do before I left was to print the text off. I wasn't gonna live like that the rest of my life. 

After I read them & checked the dates. I saw that he had stopped responding to her a year ago. There was no physical contact. That's when he stopped the meth. For six years it was on & off I tried to make him quit, He never made it past a few weeks. You can't make somebody do something they don't want to do. It took him opening his eyes & seeing how bad he'd messed his life up. He stopped on his own. He's spent every moment of his free time with me the past year. I felt like the man I married was back. That's all I wanted.

His mistake was not telling me about the text. That's a huge betrayal to me. If I can get past that. Him staying clean & being honest with me, No matter what. I don't want to be shielded. That's not his decision to make. That's what he can do for me. He has agreed.


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## 3Xnocharm

You deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this... than HIM.. just because he stopped on his own doesnt make this all go away, or okay, or that it wont happen again. Just please be realistic and honest with yourself about your feelings going forward.


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## alte Dame

I understand where you're coming from, D an L. The heart wants what it wants. Honesty is a very important part of your relationship, and he hasn't been able to measure up regarding that, so that's a big ask. I hope he understands the difference between regret and remorse and can empathize with you for the pain he has caused and continues to cause.

Now....I have to say that the threat with a gun is something you need to address. I know it 'only happened once' and was the behavior of a man in deep despair. Nonetheless, not everyone in deep despair has a gun at his disposal and threatens to use it.

Can you insist on therapy for him?


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## Devastated an lost

alte Dame said:


> I understand where you're coming from, D an L. The heart wants what it wants. Honesty is a very important part of your relationship, and he hasn't been able to measure up regarding that, so that's a big ask. I hope he understands the difference between regret and remorse and can empathize with you for the pain he has caused and continues to cause.
> 
> Now....I have to say that the threat with a gun is something you need to address. I know it 'only happened once' and was the behavior of a man in deep despair. Nonetheless, not everyone in deep despair has a gun at his disposal and threatens to use it.
> 
> Can you insist on therapy for him?


 We have talked about that & he has agreed to it. He is having to learn how to deal with his emotions all over again. In the past he would just get high & block them out. Now he sees my pain & it's hard for him to deal with the fact that he's the one that caused it.


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## lucy999

I DO believe you when you say you had a plan in place for leaving him. But it really doesn't matter what any of us believe. What matters is that you are safe and happy and not in harm's way.

How do you feel about random at home drug tests for him? They're inexpensive. Just a suggestion.

ETA: You do realize, don't you, that gun needs to be removed from the premises, right?


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## Devastated an lost

lucy999 said:


> I DO believe you when you say you had a plan in place for leaving him. But it really doesn't matter what any of us believe. What matters is that you are safe and happy and not in harm's way.
> 
> How do you feel about random at home drug tests for him? They're inexpensive. Just a suggestion.
> 
> ETA: You do realize, don't you, that gun needs to be removed from the premises, right?


He destroyed the gun. He said neither one of us needed a gun in the house in the shape we where in & he suggested the random drug testing. H told me anytime I had doubts to get one & he would take it on the spot.


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## lucy999

Devastated an lost said:


> He destroyed the gun. He said neither one of us needed a gun in the house in the shape we where in & he suggested the random drug testing. H told me anytime I had doubts to get one & he would take it on the spot.


That's really good news. I hope you do that.

I hate to be a doubting Thomas . . . How do you know for certain he destroyed the gun?


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## Devastated an lost

lucy999 said:


> That's really good news. I hope you do that.
> 
> I hate to be a doubting Thomas . . . How do you know for certain he destroyed the gun?


I saw him do it. He broke it in half with a sledge hammer & I threw it in the trash


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## oldshirt

So does this mean it's ok to be a lying druggie that is prone to fits of rage and terrorism with a deadly weapon and siphon family funds as long as he isn't screwing another woman?


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## She'sStillGotIt

Devastated an lost said:


> But heard everything.


Of course you heard everything, and your husband knew DAMNED WELL you were listening. I mean, come *on*. He gives great lip service, suddenly proclaiming his utter 'remorse' and how you're just the most important person in his entire _universe_. 

It's amazing how easy all this crap is to SAY once you've been caught.



> The only thing that mattered to him was sitting in this house & I've put her through hell.


Strange how this sudden pure dedication to you only came about *AFTER* he was caught. 



> His mistake was not telling me about the text. That's a huge betrayal to me. If I can get past that. Him staying clean & being honest with me, No matter what. I don't want to be shielded. That's not his decision to make. That's what he can do for me. He has agreed.


I see you've managed to find a way to continue staying with him by choosing to belive his meth use was causing him to cheat on you. While you may have had a 'plan' to finally leave him (wisest decision you've made to date), it sounds as though you were desperately looking for any way to stay with him, and you've talked yourself into doing exactly that.


> So does this mean it's ok to be a lying druggie that is prone to fits of rage and terrorism with a deadly weapon and siphon family funds as long as he isn't screwing another woman?


I have to admit - I'm with OldShirt 100% on this one. ^ ^ ^ ^^^^^^^

So, I'll just say good luck to you.


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## turnera

Devastated an lost said:


> We have talked about that & he has agreed to it. He is having to learn how to deal with his emotions all over again. In the past he would just get high & block them out. Now he sees my pain & it's hard for him to deal with the fact that he's the one that caused it.


Agreed to is not the same thing as doing. IIWY, I would tell him that I'm going to put a decision on hold for 12 months and if he can spend the next 12 months clean, honest, attending therapy regularly AND sharing with you what he's learning in therapy...you may consider giving the marriage another shot next April.

Why? Because it's easy to say wonderful things, to you or to OWH. What's hard is proving that you really MEAN it, with consistent action and change. If he can keep it up without blowing up and everything else, for a whole year, he just may have really hit rock bottom and come out better for it.


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## drifting on

D & L

I’ve wanted to post, however my hatred towards your husband has prevented me from doing so. Everything I write I erase, my advice tainted with cruelty even if I were to post. I have no idea if I could post objectively, helpful, without advising physical harm to your husband. While it’s against the forum rules to promote harm or violence, I can’t help but say your husband really needs an ass kicking.


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## Adelais

OnTheFly said:


> Is it possible that the OW is lying (still/again) and it was only three times? In my mind I'm weighing the remorse shown by your husband, and the continuous lying/gaslighting by the OW.


I doubt the OW would tell her husband that they had a longer affair and and had sex more times than they did. 5 years after the fact, she probably feels more comfortable, and her account is closer to the truth, but probably still minimized. She could be afraid of losing her husband over it, and thinks that something closer to truth might keep him around. Cheaters lie.

OP, you do need to eventually talk with your husband new "numbers." Otherwise it will eat away at you. People can't stuff their feelings indefinitely, and since it is bothering you now, it will continue bothering you in the future.

I sense your sadness in your post, BTW, and am sorry you are going through pain again.


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## maree

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, any update on how you are doing?

I know you say your husband is not a violent man but that kind of contradicts that you hid the gun when you left. That implies you felt there was a chance he could hurt you or himself.

People can do things you would never expect them to do in situations like this, even more so if there are drugs involved. I am really worried about your safety.

Please, if it gets emotional please don’t stay there with him. Leave, call someone even a hotline if you need to... but keep yourself safe first and foremost. Don’t assume because you’ve never seen violence that there isn’t a possibility. Many women who become victims of violence didn’t think their husband was capable of doing that to them. How many times do we hear on the news “he was such a nice guy” after a violent crime?


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## VermiciousKnid

Devastated an lost said:


> He has bent over backwards to make things right with me.



I know I'm late to this thread but this jumped out at me. If by "bent over backwards" you mean he has continued to lie right to your face about what he did then yes, he has bent over backwards. He hasn't learned anything. He's still the same liar he was the day you found out. Therapy might help but honestly if he withholds anymore truth from you that is a cancer that will fester and grow until it kills the marriage.


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## RachaelMich

Ok I'm new here and I'm not sure I'm staying because this place might not be for me as I probably have some unpopular opinions that would get me beat the hell up and I'm seeing a lot of victims and hate and oversimplification of complicated problems.

First off - NO ONE knows your marriage like you do. So take advice lightly. Trust your heart. 

If he is truly sorry you will know. Time will tell. An affair - even a long-term one - is not a reason to throw away 38 years of marriage. My dad cheated on my mother and she forgave him. They had 20 years of good marriage after that affair and he remained faithful until the day he died.

Once a cheater does not = always a cheater. 

What some people do not understand is while all sexual decisions are a choice, affairs are often complex. I personally think everyone would cheat if put in certain circumstances. With enough opportunity, temptation, neglect at home (Not saying you were neglectful) etc. 

Prayers for your marriage OP.


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## Diana7

RachaelMich said:


> Ok I'm new here and I'm not sure I'm staying because this place might not be for me as I probably have some unpopular opinions that would get me beat the hell up and I'm seeing a lot of victims and hate and oversimplification of complicated problems.
> 
> First off - NO ONE knows your marriage like you do. So take advice lightly. Trust your heart.
> 
> If he is truly sorry you will know. Time will tell. An affair - even a long-term one - is not a reason to throw away 38 years of marriage. My dad cheated on my mother and she forgave him. They had 20 years of good marriage after that affair and he remained faithful until the day he died.
> 
> Once a cheater does not = always a cheater.
> 
> What some people do not understand is while all sexual decisions are a choice, affairs are often complex. I personally think everyone would cheat if put in certain circumstances. With enough opportunity, temptation, neglect at home (Not saying you were neglectful) etc.
> 
> Prayers for your marriage OP.


No not everyone would cheat, not the ones with integrity and character. Its really not complex at all, if you are married you don't have sex with anyone else.


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## NobodySpecial

RachaelMich said:


> If he is truly sorry you will know. Time will tell. An affair - even a long-term one - is not a reason to throw away 38 years of marriage. My dad cheated on my mother and she forgave him. They had 20 years of good marriage after that affair and he remained faithful until the day he died.
> 
> Once a cheater does not = always a cheater.
> 
> What some people do not understand is while all sexual decisions are a choice, affairs are often complex. I personally think everyone would cheat if put in certain circumstances. With enough opportunity, temptation, neglect at home (Not saying you were neglectful) etc.


It is not just affairs that are complicated, but life in general. I agree with you that things looked at in too linear a fashion tend to make understanding impossible. Cheeting is bad therefore cheaters are bad and NO WAY COULD THAT EVER HAPPEN TO ME because I lock myself in the basement!

The journey of the cheater makes me think of that of the severely depressed. On the very far end of the depression spectrum, a person is just too ... unable to act. But as they start to recover they actually have the capacity to do themselves real damage. It is un-intuitive to some. But it makes sense to me. The dead inside cheater has no means to act until they recover some of their self. But their self recovery can be triggered by the attention and affection of someone else. They act self destructively. You will hear a hue and cry about that being an excuse! Good people don't cheat! I think that condemns an awful lot of people to the realm of the irredeemable. I don't buy it. A person has a choice. Choose to come to an understanding, or walk away. Understanding may well yield the decision to walk away. In the OP's case, the down playing could well have been motivated to spare her feelings.


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## MattMatt

*Moderator Notice:*

No more threadjacking, please.


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