# I just can't move past this one message...



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

There's a lot to my story, but I've been really fixating on one thing and I just can't seem to move on. It's amazing how one short message can cause so much incredible pain. It reads over and over in my head. 

There's possibly other girls, but he's only confessed to a drunken ONS BJ (It was sooo totally intercourse...) back in 2003 on a business trip. I didn't know for eight years. It's done a terrible number on me. I literally feel like my life has been one big terrible lie, waste and I'm having a real struggle separating my memories of our children growing up during this time period from me being in the dark to his cheating. It seems no amount of counseling helps with that pain. Nobody seems to really understand, he certainly doesn't. It upsets him and he says it was one incident, it didn't apply to the rest of our time together. Easy for him to say, he knew and I didn't. 


He trickle truthed me for a year after the confession telling me the girl was a stranger. Then I found out she was a coworker from another location and he had sporadic contact with her thru work for at least a year until she moved to another city.

What I'm really having a hard time with is I found this old message dating back to 2008, five years after the ONS. He was telling her he was coming into town for work and hoped to see her... (The three dots were just like that in the message!) She replied back sounds great along with her number. 

When I first found the message I didn't know about her, but did know about the ONS. He blew it off and said she used to work with him and he never even saw her. This was a lie. He later confessed he did see her, I think he had forgotten his previous lie.

He knows this message is causing me extreme pain, he gets mad and tells me it wasn't about sex. Right...

It's one thing the drunken "mistake", but to contact her five years later? I almost think the message itself is more painful than the ONS oddly enough. It shows me he had no remorse for what he did, he got away with it and went fishing again...

The message is dated and timed. He was home from work taking care of me from a surgery I had. So I was laying up in bed while he was downstairs contacting this s*&t. She knew he was married, had kids and she was 19 years old when they were first together! WTH?!? He says he didn't realize she was that young...

I tried contacting her, I was nice to the point I'm disgusted with myself now cause she never replied back. I waited a bit, then sent her a message telling her exactly how I felt. 

He failed a poly, I'm sure there's more to this story, but I'm also sure I'll never get it. From him, her or his buddy that covered for him all these years and was in on the original action. Yes, it's sick. 

Saw counselor yesterday, there's really no answer to this... I will never know the truth and how do I live with that? We discuss this over and over...

A year and a half out from first DDay and it just doesn't get better. The message is KILLING me, he looks at this like it has been going on for a year and a half, I look at it as I got put back to square one three months ago when he finally told me who it was. (The poly made him fess up to that part at least.) 

He tells me 2013 won't be like 2012. That if I have to pretend all is OK then that is what has to be done, to save the arguments for the marriage counselor. I feel so trapped...

Been discussing leaving him with counselor, really both options look bleak. I look down both paths and neither look like a nice place to be.

We had two big arguments over the holidays, he was a complete jerk. My youngest called him on it, told him if he was really sorry he wouldn't yell at me. Yet, he still doesn't get it.

I can only think of two nice things of recent - he finally went and got a new wedding band. He had gained weight, it was too tight, but I told him I hated the fact he was wearing his ring when he was with her anyway. So he went out on his own and got a replacement. And last night I sucked it in and he came over and hugged me and thanked me. He said he knew I was mad and he appreciated me trying for the night. Really, he's happy with me pretending. OK...

I dunno, once you go thru this life is just never the same again. The innocence is just gone.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

True even if you R the marriage will never be the same.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Little things stay with you. I remember the text I found on my xw's cell the night I discovered the affair. That night I had went to my office, she evidently took the opportunity to go to his house (5 blocks away) the one text... "On my to you" Such a little thing, but now 18 months later it still causes a cold wave go thru my heart to even think of it.  Sometimes someone will say, "On my way!" and I remember. Innocence is GONE! thats what sucks about infidelity.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

To OM (after knowing him for 2 months and after 10 years of marriage and 4 kids with me): "I am completely yours."

The 4 words I could never get over.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Nobody seems to really understand, he certainly doesn't.


As a BS, I agree that nobody understands. I don't think anyone could understand these feelings



hurtingbadly said:


> Saw counselor yesterday, there's really no answer to this... I will never know the truth and how do I live with that? We discuss this over and over...
> 
> A year and a half out from first DDay and it just doesn't get better. The message is KILLING me, he looks at this like it has been going on for a year and a half, I look at it as I got put back to square one three months ago when he finally told me who it was. (The poly made him fess up to that part at least.)
> 
> ...


While our stories are very different, I will tell you that being away from my WS has alleviated *SO MUCH* of my pain and hurt. Divorcing with kids was the scariest thing I've ever considered. Never would have thought I could live with myself after such a failure. 

I'm so glad that we're divorcing now. I can finally get back to focusing on myself and being a better parent for my children.

My psychologist has helped me "jump into the abyss" as is said. Face the fear and head directly for it. I'm getting stronger every day and it's only because I got that malignant toxicity out of my life.

Good luck, sorry you are here.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Hurting- you say you've been going through this for a year and half but really you just got the truth (mostly) three months ago. That's fresh, still raw and still knocking you off center. It's supposed to. There is nothing wrong with this process you are in. In fact I would say that it's proof that you are on the right trail. We don't know where it will lead, but the pain is a necessary ingredient and further proof that you aren't trying to skip ahead of your battle. 

I also struggle with bogging down in the evidence. My spouse wrote a goodbye letter that had a line that slayed me 

"I'm sorry for all the pain and I do love you very much" <----after two weeks mind you. I sat there with this mental picture of a scale in my head, one side 14 years, two children, two houses and countless memories---->the other side a phantom online girl he'd known for 3-4 weeks and never laid eyes on in real life=total mind screw. 


We are trying to make sense of a reality that is now turned over. You'll remember how your life layered over his just as in the example you gave above (recovering from surgery while he sabotaged)-I think of those illustration tricks where a drawing is on a see through film and as you lay them on top of each other a more complete picture begins to appear-that is what our brains do when coping with trauma. 

Be gentle on yourself now- don't fight the riptide. The current will take you to the safest place.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Dear Hurtingbadly, I understand holding on to the pain and letting the mind movies run wild, the problem is that YOUR ARE WASTING the few days you have left in YOUR LIFE! This is it, YOUR LIFE! You do not get a do over, you must enjoy the future. NOW! I hope you see that you are looking back and not looking forward.Try looking forward for a few weeks and see if its better. Good luck David


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

> I dunno, once you go thru this life is just never the same again. The innocence is just gone.


That is true. Life has changed. But it really isn't always going to be so bad. Really. It's so fresh for you. But it sounds like you are making progress. Hey-everytime I have to hear that damn OW's name I think it. But now it's like FOR A SECOND! Not for the rest of the day or hours or whatever. 
If you have a true R, you will start to forget a little here a little there, sure some stuff stays--but it hurts less and less.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> There's a lot to my story, but I've been really fixating on one thing and I just can't seem to move on. It's amazing how one short message can cause so much incredible pain. It reads over and over in my head.
> 
> *There's possibly other girls, but he's only confessed to a drunken ONS BJ (It was sooo totally intercourse...) *back in 2003 on a business trip. I didn't know for eight years. It's done a terrible number on me. I literally feel like my life has been one big terrible lie, waste and I'm having a real struggle separating my memories of our children growing up during this time period from me being in the dark to his cheating. It seems no amount of counseling helps with that pain. *Nobody seems to really understand, he certainly doesn't. It upsets him and he says it was one incident, it didn't apply to the rest of our time together.* Easy for him to say, he knew and I didn't.
> 
> ...



Hurtingbadly,

Just reading your username makes me want to give you a hug! I have a few things to add based on patterns I have seen regarding successful/unsuccessful reconciliation on this forum. You are in an unsuccessful reconciliation, no matter the efforts hear and there of your husband.

The problem is he is not CONSISTENTLY doing the HEAVY LIFTING in your relationship. It's his job to FACILITATE your healing. He is not yet showing true remorse. I highlighted several things in your writing which suggest that he is not serious about reconciliation or that you have major barriers to healing BECAUSE HE IS NOT MAKING UP FOR HIS WRONGS. 

Did you ever credibly threaten divorce? Were you ready to leave him when he was not coming clean? It sounds like he STILL has not told you everything. That spells further pain. He needs to be 100% transparent, honest, forthcoming, and patient. He expects you to just move on when he hasn't even begun to facilitate your healing. You cannot heal when your partner is not remorseful. He is not remorseful. Not truly. 

You need to prepare yourself to let go of him IF HE IS UNWILLING to do the HEAVY LIFTING. He wants to rugsweep and move on. It will happen again and you will forevermore be resentful towards him in your marriage at this rate.

You are NOT failing to get better or struggling more than normal. You have NOT HAD THE CHANCE to get better because of your husbands inability to own up to his actions and kiss your feet. Prepare yourself to leave him. He won't own up until you do! 

Hang in there hurtingbadly. I really feel for you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I doubt you will ever have the full truth from your husband about his cheating. The pain you feel is about his betrayal and his lying and his insensitivity to your pain and the absolute fact that you can't trust him. The pain you feel, I think, is the dawning realization that you are looking at this as your future if you stay with him. It is knowing what you can't bring yourself to utter - that there is probably much more than you know.

You know, if you leave him, you'll survive.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

sunshinetoday said:


> That is true. Life has changed. But it really isn't always going to be so bad. Really. It's so fresh for you. But it sounds like you are making progress. Hey-everytime I have to hear that damn OW's name I think it. But now it's like FOR A SECOND! Not for the rest of the day or hours or whatever.
> If you have a true R, you will start to forget a little here a little there, sure some stuff stays--but it hurts less and less.


I agree, but I think that the only way to have a true R is to do it with honesty. Sounds like you will never have that Hb. Your story, in as much as the way he has dealt with it, and the obvious lies and continuation of OW, no ONS (it seems obvious there was not. No way would you have a ONS and contact them 5 years later!), is very very similar to mine. And while there is no truth there is no way of knowing it is over, that there will not be another OW, therefore no true R. 

IMO, your options are to disengage and begin the process of leaving him, emotionally and then physically, or to accept you will never have the truth and accept what you have. And enjoy it. I think this option, to truly be ok with it, you also have to disengage because you will always have the lies between you. The barrier. And the possibility of more infidelities. Therefore, disengage so he can't hurt you anymore, so you are not upset anymore, so you are not on a wheel of worry and upset and drilling holes in your head with things he has done and things you will never get from him.

The other thing is, because he is hiding truth, be prepared for little bits of differing stories here and there, and prepared for things like what you found 3 months ago, uncovering of little lies due to him not remembering answers like you do. I know what you are going through with this, but you have to give up wanting and hoping, and just accept. You wont get the truth you want. So what next? 

As David says, you need to look forward. In whichever way that comes. 

It seems to me he won't give you want you want. Truth. So what do you do? Do you look forward to a life with or without him? Is he worth the risk? Is it worth staying with him and just accepting he may or may not continue cheating? Or is it worth breaking out and finding someone else, and a possible another risk or not? You will certainly be more educated with the next one!


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