# Here I am a mess again...



## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

So my wife and I separated in July. Probably a few of you read my other post. Well as of late some new things have come to light... My wife filed for divorce, I just picked up the papers this morning. But now she is having second thoughts. I also found out that she had an affair right after we decided to separate (which I already suspected but found proof and she admitted it). I am in a really strange place right now. My W says that she is having second thoughts, but they are not strong enough to halt the divorce process right now. She keeps wanting to spend time together but won't stop this process. I am torn between what I should do. As for the affair, I am willing to forgive her and work on our marriage (probably stupid of me but I can't help that I love her). I don't know if I should do this or not. part of me says that I should just cut her loose and move on with my life, but the part of me that loves her tells me to stick it out in the hopes of reconciling... here I am in this mess again. I had finally reached a point of being OK with the divorce then I get this glimmer of hope that it might not happen, yet I am still getting served with divorce papers... I am just really confused right now, maybe you guys can shed some light on this.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

My op[inion- if you want to try to save your marriage with any objectivity, tell her no- don't talk to her or go out with her unless she makes an unequivocal statement followed by actions she wants to try to work on the same. Anything less is simple manipulation and mind games to relieve the guilt she is having.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I say tell her you are willing to work on the relationship, but the divorce process must stop. If she isn't willing to do that do you think she really wants to try or to just keep you as a safety net?

Was she sincere with her admittance?

At least she had the guts to tell you - I give her that much.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Waiting Patiently said:


> My op[inion- if you want to try to save your marriage with any objectivity, tell her no- don't talk to her or go out with her unless she makes an unequivocal statement followed by actions she wants to try to work on the same. Anything less is simple manipulation and mind games to relieve the guilt she is having.


:iagree:

I agree with both posts. She needs to commit if the two of you are to succeed. Otherwise you will just get strung along and it will be even more painful. Good luck.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I totally agree with the other posters. She can't be 1/2 way "in" and testing the waters to make your marriage work.

She needs to be full "in" at 100%. If she's having doubts let her...that's a good sign. Sometimes they things that you want and are out of reach are more attractive. Keep that in mind when she comes knocking at your door.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Thank you all for your advice. FA to answer what you said. she didn't admit it until I found proof. I found an email chain from her to him. It was not pretty. She only admitted it after I told her that I already knew. I agree with you all that she needs to commit. I guess I am just afraid that if I tell her that I can't spend time with her unless she commits, that she will just say ok and continue with the divorce. This is a ****ty place to be. I was just getting used to the idea of being divorced too and now here I am back where I was when we split... this sucks...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

BH, so allow yourself to stay with being ok with the divorce. Show her you can take it. If she can't commit, then you are better off now until she comes to her senses and can commit. I know it is hard to do, but the alternative is limbo for you and that is what sucks. You have some control now, use it for you. Not for hurting her or anything, but for you. You should feel empowered, not down. This is your call now, not hers.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I've recommended this book many times in situations like yours. Read Love Must be Tough but Dobson. It can help you deal with this and might just make her understand just how much she is losing.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

So I had a talk with my W yesterday. We have been hanging out and it has been great, but I told her that if she is unwilling to stop the divorce process then I can't do it anymore. I told her that if divorce is what she wants then I can't be her friend. I want to remain friendly but not her friend. I felt like I had to do this because every minute I spent with her just made me want her back more. I love this woman with all my heart. It kills me that she still wants the divorce. I guess at this point I just need to move on. It just sucks because I love her so much and I know she loves me too, but she can't get past her thoughts. Oh well... this is my path and I must take it.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Keep strong BH. Things will get better over time. I'm on the same path as you, so I understand. It is tough, but you really need to think of yourself and your needs. Detach from her needs as best you can.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Thanks FA. It just sucks, I want my family back and I had a glimmer of hope and it was shattered once again.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I feel for you and know how that is for you. I wish I could give you real words of wisdom. Just know you aren't allow in your time. Reach out to friends and family -- I have and it has helped.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Thanks again FA. She responded to me this morning sort of. Said she was really busy at work and would talk to me later. If she is willing to put the divorce on hold, I will work on it, but if not, I just have to move on with my life without her in it.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I think that is best if she won't commit. Sorry, but at least it gets you out of LIMBO.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

I just don't understand how someone can say they love you but that they don't want to be married anymore. What happened to we can get through anything together. I am losing faith in marriage. It is a dying institution these days...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

BH totally heartbreaking when they can't make up their fr***ing minds - my H said "I don't know" for months....he came back and then left again - remember it is in her best interests to keep you emotionally hooked in for as long as possible -
I learnt that people will string things out as long as it suits them the HARD way...try and protect yourself...try 
putting your marriage first is totally understandable that is what I did - but still try and protect yourself - 
sorry I just recognise the "I'll call you later" line -


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Hey, sorry to see you back. I was hoping that maybe you guys were able to work something out. 

I have to agree with all that has been said. If she can't be in it 100 percent, you can't either. You will always have doubts if she cannot commit. However, don't give up all hope. When talking to my atty, he has had many divorces that ended up backing down, even as late as their hearing date. The whole process got them talking and realizing their feelings when nothing else would. I'm not trying to get your hopes up unrealistically, as this is not a common occurance, but there is something that could come out of this, knowing she is having doubts. Let her have her doubts on her own. Let her try to have a life on her own. Let her try to solve all of lifes ups and downs on her own. Right now I am trying to do that as much as I can - I make myself busy at work, at home, plan weekend activities, so she can finally realize what I do for her, and now she will have to do it, or OM will, one of the two. 

As the others said, get youself separated from her. However, DONT separate yourself from that little one in the picture! She needs you (and your W) now more than ever! This is a confusing time for her and her emotions. You need to reinforce that no matter what, you are daddy and that will never change. I tell my girls that almost every day! 

How long of a process are you looking at for this? I know in MI, where I am, it takes 6 months waiting. I am half way thru month 3. 

I wish you well.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

In NH it goes pretty quick. I was served last week and our first appearance is in 2 weeks on Nov 4th. It only takes about 3 months here to make it final. The worst part of it all is that she told me she still loves me and has feelings for me, but she just wants to be alone. Oh well, this is my path and it's time to start walking down it. Thank you all for your support, this forum has been a great help for me.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I feel for you and your pain. I understand the devastation and loss. Be good to yourself.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Why is is so damn hard to move on now??? I was already there, you would think it would be easier now... damn her for giving me hope...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Keep moving forward, it is the only way no matter the outcome.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

bhmahler said:


> Why is is so damn hard to move on now??? I was already there, you would think it would be easier now... damn her for giving me hope...


Same i I was there but I found moving on after my H came back harder - (and then left again) because the hope was so much closer - hope is something that has to fade - you may still secretly hold onto to it for a very long time...and it really does hurt...we will keep on going and one day it won't hurt much anymore ....


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

I can't help but sit her and think about it. I just wish that she would see that being alone is not the better option. She says she just doesn't want the responsibility of being a wife. WTF does that mean? How much responsibility is there really? She is ok with being a mother but not a wife. I know her and she will regret this, that is what kills me the most. I know someday she will regret this decision but I fear it will come too late...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Not a whole lot makes sense to us - but they will do what they want - that's what it comes down to...she may well regret it but hopefully by then you won't care anymore...you will have moved on...


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Man so today I started out the day pretty good. I have my daughter Wed and Thu during the week and she always brings a smile to my face when I have her. On my way to drop her off I got a text from my W just letting me know about something about daycare and she follows it with I hope you have a good day. No big deal. I didn't respond because I didn't think it warranted one.

So I get to work and she starts IM'ing me. Bored at work etc, wants to chat and man I can't take it. When I talk to her it just makes me want her back. I don't want to cut it off though because she is being cool about me doing things with Abby during her times with her. For example I was invited to come for trick or treating which falls on my W night. I don't want to tell her to stop talking to me and risk missing out on those things with my daughter, but at the same time, when she wants to spend the day chatting it is destroying me. This stress is ridiculous. My hair is turning gray. Litterally it is. I just don't know how to handle this... Do I tell her to stop contacting me at the risk of her not including me in things with my daughter or do I just suck it up so that I can still do those things?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I understand you still feel that you have to bargain with her - and you do need to negotiate as separated parents - but not this way...(through emotions) 

ask yourself - is this good for me? is this what I want?
if the answer is no - don't do it...
doesn't mean that you have to be aggresive, rude emotional...
just ingnore the messages and maybe at the end of the day 
say I have had a very busy day - no time to reply...
let her work it out...

in my case I had to be much more blunt and open a new email account just for correspondence from my H. 

it worked well - I no longer had to even worry if he was contacting me.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

BH, listen to Knortoh. Actually I would say even if it doesn't bother you I would not even get on so she can IM you. If she does, don't respond. And if she asks just say you were busy. At this point you don't owe her an explanation for why you do or don't do something.

The more you do that type of thing, the more she will wonder. I know it is hard to miss out on trick or treating with your daughter right now, but I advise against it. Tell you w you have other things to do, whether or not you do or dont. 

I think she wants you to be there for her when she wouldn't necessarily be there for you in return. Just my opinion. But if you can muster the strenght, just tell her you're going to a costume party with some friends (don't tell her who) and see what she says. Like you said it was her night, you made plans so you wouldn't intrude. Put some mystery in life with regards to her. 

There is hope I believe. But you can't count on it, so keep moving forward. That is why you've got to be strong. Believe me, it sucks where a lot of us are for this upcoming holiday season. 

Be well....


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Thanks guys. FA unfortunately I have to sign in to IM at work as I use it frequently to communicate with the other developers I work with. I told her yesterday that I couldn't keep talking to her if she wants to end our marriage. I guess it didn't sink in because first thing this morning I got a message from her...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

she heard you - she just does what she wants right?


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Ya, I guess you're right. Man I just want her back, this sucks...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

sure does big time


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

You can block her if you need too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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