# Seeing somebody who's too fat...?



## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

OK, here's the story, as short and simple as possible.

I've been seeing a girl for a few months now. It isn't too serious. From a personality and chemistry perspective, she is fantastic and I very much like spending time with her. She's pretty as well (actually quite pretty). On paper, as they say, she's great.

The problem is that she's overweight. It's mostly concentrated in her midsection, but the moral of the story is that a) she has a body type I don't find attractive and b) she is about 40 pounds overweight. I am fairly torn on this. We are wonderfully compatible emotionally but physically I am just not attracted to her. I don't imagine that it would get any better either - in her 30's, no children, and no real desire to be active or improve.

I am not a hypocrite as I am in very good shape and work out roughly twice a day. Still, I feel shallow and I do not under any circumstances want to mention anything about her weight. I don't feel like there's anything necessarily wrong with her for the vast majority of people - just me. I understand my standards are higher than most. I am just at a loss as to what to do since this woman is amazing outside of her physique.

My concern (which I believe to be well-founded) is that if it's bad now, it's going to be much worse later. I'm thinking considerably down the road, but I don't want a fat wife who I'm not physically attracted to if I'm only marginally attracted to her body now.

Any advice? Thoughts?


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If there is no sexual attraction, stop dating her. Period.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I agree with SunnyT.

End it and stop wasting her time and yours.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Break it off now. The longer you prolong this the more hurt she is going to be. Of course, she is going to probably ask why. You answer will be?


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If it's bad now, it's not going to be worse later, it will just be equally bad, and probably even if she does lose some you will still find flaws to bring your physical attraction to the same level.

I am seeing someone whom has some unwanted weight (atleast as much as you feel your girl is overweight by), but so far it hasn't even really registered for me, I find her hot - and when it comes to body types I'm sorta picky too. Before I got into things with her I analyzed this in my mind too, concern that I wouldn't be able to stay attracted to her... but as I'm getting to know her, I feel my physical attraction is not waning one bit, there is no part of her I don't lust for.

My advice, if this isn't the one you want release her back into the ocean and try to catch a better one, but if you got that flutter in your heart for her and truly see her beauty then don't make it about how her body looks, just make it about how she treats herself and how she treats you. If you think she just doesn't have the self-discipline to be able to take care of her own health and fitness well then that is a valid reason to not want to attach yourself to her, and if this is the particular case talk about it with her (yes potentially awkward discussion but very important to do now so she has a chance to understand your concern and so you give her a fair chance instead of passing her off too easily).

Good luck!


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Either accept her looks or break it off. Physical attraction plays a part in the relationship.

Beauty is always a light switch away


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

why not ask/prod/cajole/convince her to try your lifestyle?

i know many an overweight person who have changed that with the right motivation.
not to boo on the dump her now crowd.


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

triple like Lons comment


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sexual attraction is great but I'm going to disagree with others here and tell you it's not the most important thing. Not by a long shot. Considering marriage is supposed to be forever and none of us are going to be hot our entire lives, it'd make sense to make mating decisions on something more tangible than looks. Looks come and go but evil is forever and stupid is forever. Even you with your twice a day workout sessions can look like a monster tomorrow really easily. With a little bad luck, you might stay that way for the rest of your life. We're all just one car crash, disease, or assault away from looking like a hot mess. Lose your vision and it wouldn't matter much what she looked like. I would worry less about her extra 40 lbs and more about my own priorities. She can drop 40 lbs easily enough. Invest in things that last. Looks don't last. Character does.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You don't find her physically attractive, and there's no getting around that. She might be the most amazing woman in the world, but if she's overweight and not motivated to do anything about it, I don't see anything changing for you.

I don't believe that you're being shallow. Physical attraction is very important in a relationship, and if a woman being overweight doesn't do it for you, she just doesn't do it for you.


----------



## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Why did you go out with her if you aren't attracted to her???

Wouldn't it be funny if you dumped her and she was sad and decided to lose 50 pounds and was smoking hot.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your heart's in the right place or if you have correct lighting and a little alcohol, a 5 or a 6 looks exactly like a 10. An evil bat, however, looks like an evil bat whether she is a size 0 or 20, a super model or ugly as homemade sin, whether you are sober as a judge or drunk as a skunk, in broad daylight or pitch darkness. I'd rather have a "4" faithfully in my bed than a "10" in my neighbor's.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If your heart's in the right place or if you have correct lighting and a little alcohol, a 5 or a 6 looks exactly like a 10. An evil bat, however, looks like an evil bat whether she is a size 0 or 20, a super model or ugly as homemade sin, whether you are sober as a judge or drunk as a skunk, in broad daylight or pitch darkness. I'd rather have a "4" faithfully in my bed than a "10" in my neighbor's.


So good looking women cannot be faithful? Does that mean that good looking men also cannot be faithful?

I would rather have a man I find attractive who is also honourable in my bed. Why settle for someone less than attractive to you just because you think they will be faithful, that equation just doesn't add up.


----------



## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

I bet you she is also not happy with her weight. Most women feel they could be slimmer but slip into a state of complacency when they're in a happy relationship. Best thing to do is to convince her that as part of your time together you'd love to workout with her. Start with something fun like zumba or walks etc. Only take her to healthy restaurants (sushi etc). Go a bit militant on healthy lifestyle. She will undertsand that it's important to you. Whatever you do don't tell her you think she's FAT. She will be mortified and will always hold it against you.
As women, in our heart of hearts we are massively aware that men prefer us when we are slimmer.
I was very overweight (babyweight etc). I still felt super loved but I could just tell he wasn't as "horny" as he used to be (could also be down to the screaming baby!) When I lost weight, not only did we have sex more often but it was initiated by me mostly (which he loved) as I felt good about myself and confident.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Holland said:


> So good looking women cannot be faithful? Does that mean that good looking men also cannot be faithful?
> 
> I would rather have a man I find attractive who is also honourable in my bed. Why settle for someone less than attractive to you just because you think they will be faithful, that equation just doesn't add up.


If I needed alcohol to make my partner attractive, it's time to move on. OP, you are attracted to who you are attracted to. You are not attracted to her so why continue. Attraction is a huge component in a relationship.


----------



## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Break it off, otherwise she'll just think you were leading her on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vahlaria (Jan 31, 2013)

FS8 said:


> It isn't too serious. From a personality and chemistry perspective, she is fantastic and I very much like spending time with her. She's pretty as well (actually quite pretty).
> 
> The problem is that she's overweight. It's mostly concentrated in her midsection, but the moral of the story is that a) she has a body type I don't find attractive and b) she is about 40 pounds overweight. I am fairly torn on this. We are wonderfully compatible emotionally but physically I am just not attracted to her. I don't imagine that it would get any better either - in her 30's, no children, and no real desire to be active or improve.
> 
> ...


Find someone else who you are attracted to. What if you are hurting her emotionally because you aren't sexually attracted to her? 

How will you feel if you are the "jerk boyfriend" who used her? Isn't that how she will feel?


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Look through the TAM forum. There are countless threads here by people who married partners they didn't find physically attractive and that attraction never came. Now they want to know if they should stay or leave the marriage. You're potentially setting yourself up for such a situation. 
Yes, we will all age, maybe get a disease, be in a car accident...anything can happen to change our looks after we get married, but to start off the marriage without that attraction is dooming the marriage from the beginning.


----------



## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

Thanks all. I really don't want to hurt her so I guess I should probably cut it off before it gets worse. I too have read far too many threads about people who got together because they thought they could overcome a lack of attraction and they never did. I don't want to end up that way and it's probably for the best.

To those who asked why I started seeing her in the first place, my honest answer is that it's winter and I'm sure she knows the extra weight isn't a great feature. She works to hide it and we haven't been intimate so I never really saw it until I felt it while kissing her. To be blunt, form-fitting jeans aren't too bad on her, but a form-fitting t-shirt would be. I hate to even say that but that's the truth - to me, not objectively. Also, she's quite pretty facially, and we do get complement each other well (or seem to). We'd make good friends in a world where such things were possible (one person attracted and one not), but such a world does not exist.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

You started dating her because it was winter?? 

You just didn't want to be lonely for the winter and she was available and good company. You were never really attracted to her and just used her for companionship. Nice.....

You say she is fantastic and very pretty. You also said she hides her weight well. Easier to do when its winter but now spring is coming right, so she won't be able to hide it so well. Forget about summer...bathing suits, shorts, etc. She's just not good enough now so you might not look so good to your friends or whoever may see you together and think she is not fit enough. You don't want to look bad. Not to mention her imperfections will be more noticeable to you as well.

May I suggest you don't start relationships with women who are not up to par in your eyes physically just to have someone to pass some time with? Its insensitive and self centered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 32888 (Oct 20, 2012)

I met my wife on a blind date,met on internet.In all honesty was a little put off by her weight,granted I'm no bodybuilder.But getting to know her and finding out what a wonderful person she is I learned to love her and accept her for who she is. Now I wouldn't have her any other way.Going on 15 yrs married,2 wonderful boys.
You say you work out twice a day.Could you ease her into a little exercise too?It might actually be a secret hope of hers that somebody would care that much to guide her.It may be a real bonding experience for the 2 of you.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If she is on the same page as you, in that 'it isn't too serious' and you are both enjoying one another's company with no clear 'end game' on either of your parts, than do what you feel compelled to do.

That said, the content of your post makes it pretty clear what you feel compelled to, and probably should do.

I was in the same circumstance just over a year ago. Wonderful, wonderful woman. Totally 'off' my usual physical type. I engaged in the relationship to determine if her great nature and qualities would eventually trump pure, physical attraction. 
They did not.

I ended it.

She is very happy with someone else now. 
As am I.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland, 
Totally agree - this is the model of: they will have little, if any temptation so they won't stray or leave. And equally if they have a lot of temptation they will cheat or leave you. I don't believe that for a second. At last count my wife has ignored / declined around a dozen - offers over the years. As have I.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Inarut 
Why is she the victim? 
Seriously? 

If I reverse the genders, I would tell him:
- ask her what her ideal man looks like and
- AT BARE MINIMUM get in good enough shape so you can do anything physically demanding that she might like. 

And if she describes an ideal body type that is similar to her own fitness level, get in 'shape'. 

He gave her some time to show HIM whether he was important enough to warrant some effort in this area, and she didn't make an effort. 

My experience is that the extra 30-40 now will become much more after making babies because it simply isn't a priority.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

D, 
This was fair, honest and decent.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So why are you dating her? End it and tell her you're not feeling it. There will be others that are happy with her body, so no need to make her feel bad. It's not a stab at you, we're all entitled to our preferences (as long as they're legal.....).


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Tigger said:


> Wouldn't it be funny if you dumped her and she was sad and decided to lose 50 pounds and was smoking hot.


I've seen that happen. With an overweight guy. He became a marathon runner.

There isn't anything wrong with honesty. Telling this girl why you are not attracted to her does her a favor and gives her the opportunity to go for it. 

For me the body type is a reflection of lifestyle, not just how they look. I don't know any fat people that can on any day of the week hike ten miles in rugged country or run five miles with me. My wife looks like an athlete because she is one.


----------



## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

Move on. She deserves someone who can and will love her, just as she is. And that is NOT you.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If she works to hide her weight, she has a problem with it too. Your gf may not know what steps to take to successfully lose the weight long term. Those diet pills and weight loss fads only work temporarily, if at all. 

I do agree with the others, if your not attracted to her physically then it's time to move on.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm a little confused.

Your explanation as to why you hooked up with her in the first place doesn't make a lot of sense.

You say she carries noticeable extra weight in her stomach area but that you couldnt notice it because it was "winter"? So you never saw her without her jacket on before dating exclusively?

Either way doesn't sound like it's a big loss for either of you if you ended it now so pull the trigger. You have different ideas of what a gf should look like than what she is. Asking her to change when she may not want to just to fit your ideal of how she should look is not the way to go. (I know you didnt suggest it, other here have).

I'm sure the right body type is out there for you.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Inarut
> Why is she the victim?
> Seriously?
> 
> ...


I don't have a problem with him having an ideal body type. He is entitled. What I took issue with was his answer to why he started dating her. He said because it was winter. What kind of an answer is that? It gave me the impression, maybe wrongly, he spent time with her despite her weight, despite not having the physical attraction because he just didn't want to be alone. I highly doubt she would want to date him if she knew that. 

He didn't say I started seeing her because she was so great I wanted to see if her personality would override the weight issue. I could see that if it were the case.

He said he never did nor does he want to bring up her weight. I agree that he shouldn't. Who is he to tell her to lose some weight? If she asks him why he doesn't want to see her anymore I guess he can be honest about it although I don't think I would. I'm sure she knows she is overweight but she has no idea her weight is even an issue for him. He asked her out at the weight that she is and has been seeing her for months. As far as she knows he is attracted to her just as she is, everything is fine and they're having a great time.

He gave her time to prove to him if he were important enough to make some effort to lose weight? Again, he started dating her at that weight. What right does he have to expect she lose it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1ZJiBHh-Yw


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

inarut
You make a fair point, Winter - is a bad reason to date someone. 

As for his break up 'talk', maybe he should consider: I'm not falling in love with you, and don't think that I will. 

-----
That's it. If she pushes it, he can add one other thing which is: I believe that one key to a healthy LTR is that the partners bring out the best in each other. And that it just happens naturally as a side effect of mutual admiration. 



-------
]I don't have a problem with him having an ideal body type. He is entitled. What I took issue with was his answer to why he started dating her. He said because it was winter. What kind of an answer is that? It gave me the impression, maybe wrongly, he spent time with her despite her weight, despite not having the physical attraction because he just didn't want to be alone. I highly doubt she would want to date him if she knew that. 

He didn't say I started seeing her because she was so great I wanted to see if her personality would override the weight issue. I could see that if it were the case.

He said he never did nor does he want to bring up her weight. I agree that he shouldn't. Who is he to tell her to lose some weight? If she asks him why he doesn't want to see her anymore I guess he can be honest about it although I don't think I would. I'm sure she knows she is overweight but she has no idea her weight is even an issue for him. He asked her out at the weight that she is and has been seeing her for months. As far as she knows he is attracted to her just as she is, everything is fine and they're having a great time.

He gave her time to prove to him if he were important enough to make some effort to lose weight? Again, he started dating her at that weight. What right does he have to expect she lose it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


----------



## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

I think he meant that she was generally more covered up because it was winter and so he did not immediately notice the extra weight. I have a little extra skin around the middle from two very large children and I know how to hide it. It is easier to hide it in the winter because you wear more clothes and they are heavier. I dress for my body type and most people probably think my body is just fine because they have never seen me without clothes on. Thankfully I am far more uncomfortable with it than my husband is. Everyone has different things that turn them off. His is weight. I don’t think that makes him anymore shallow than the man/woman who is turned off by physical ugliness. 

Have you talked with her about your weight concerns? I agree with others that attraction is important and if she is unwilling to take care of herself...well then you have your answer.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

FS8 said:


> Thanks all. I really don't want to hurt her so I guess I should probably cut it off before it gets worse.



I can't believe everyone is advising you to just dump her. I agree you shouldn't remain in a relationship with someone you are not attracted to, but if you are otherwise compatible there is another option, as radical as it might seem: *How about talking to her about your concerns before dumping her??*

Be honest, without being accusatory. After all, this isn't just about her being eye candy, it is also about her health, after all. Explain to her that you couldn't get serious with someone who wasn't looking out for their own health. Maybe she will agree to change her ways. You said earlier that you regularly exercise - you could even make it a team effort and do it together.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I don't have a problem with him having an ideal body type. He is entitled. What I took issue with was his answer to why he started dating her. He said because it was winter. What kind of an answer is that? It gave me the impression, maybe wrongly, he spent time with her despite her weight, despite not having the physical attraction because he just didn't want to be alone. I highly doubt she would want to date him if she knew that.
> 
> He didn't say I started seeing her because she was so great I wanted to see if her personality would override the weight issue. I could see that if it were the case.
> 
> ...


I agree...Its greedy IMHO to find someone who is great and fantastic but one thing that is like a deal breaker..start dating them then pick on the deal breaker to "perfect them"..

And I'm sorry if someone is 30 or 40 lbs overweight its not "all in there stomach"..No amount of "winter clothing" holds 30 or 40 lbs of fat in the stomach out of sight.Even at 9 months pregnant if you gained the appropriate weight only 10 or maybe 15 of that is in the stomach(including a 7lb baby 2 lbs of water in an enlarged uterus and a extra layer of fat on top) and that requires maternity clothes and "winter" does't cover that..

IOW she wouldnt look "normal weight" in her face hands legs rear end etc..and be "hiding" 30 or 40lbs in her stomach area with clothes.She would appear to have 2 20 lb fetuses in her stomach..( or 3 or 4 10 lb ones)HELLO cant "hide that"..

The point is you think her stomach is too big..and that's a deal breaker go find someone with a smaller stomach and leave her alone ...


----------



## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Just tell her the truth that you love everything about her but you're not physically attracted to her because of her weight. It'll be a good life lesson and will hopefully give her the impetus to change her ways.


----------



## lillie.katie (Mar 19, 2013)

Why don't you invite her to the gym with you? That would be a huge turn on for me honestly. And when you work out your sex drive usually increases so it would be a win win...I know I find it ridiculously hot when I go to the gym with my boyfriend and I see him all hot and sweaty ...makes me want to get all hot and sweaty working out so he will want to get hot and sweaty in bed later...just saying..nothing hotter than my man working out


----------



## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

Deejo said:


> If she is on the same page as you, in that 'it isn't too serious' and you are both enjoying one another's company with no clear 'end game' on either of your parts, than do what you feel compelled to do.
> 
> That said, the content of your post makes it pretty clear what you feel compelled to, and probably should do.
> 
> ...


This is pretty much what I felt. I knew initially that she wasn't my normal body type, but we did get along very well when we first met so I thought, as you did, that a great emotional connection would have a chance to overcome relatively weak attraction. It didn't and that's where I am today.


----------



## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

inarut said:


> I don't have a problem with him having an ideal body type. He is entitled. What I took issue with was his answer to why he started dating her. He said because it was winter. What kind of an answer is that? It gave me the impression, maybe wrongly, he spent time with her despite her weight, despite not having the physical attraction because he just didn't want to be alone. I highly doubt she would want to date him if she knew that.
> 
> He didn't say I started seeing her because she was so great I wanted to see if her personality would override the weight issue. I could see that if it were the case.
> 
> ...


I apologize for being unclear initially. I did not mean that I started seeing her because it was winter and I was lonely, bored, or anything nonsensical like that. I started seeing her because we got along well and, being winter, the extra clothes and strategic wardrobe made the extra weight very difficult to see. In fact the only reason I did "see" it is because I actually felt it with my hands.

See D's post above for a good reason why I started seeing her (and continued to). I thought she was a tad overweight but a great person and felt like a great emotional connection might be able to overcome weak physical attraction. Even then it really wasn't - I had mentioned to other people that I wasn't that attracted to her physically. It only got worse once I found out it (the extra weight) was worse than I thought.

I agree with the rest of your sentiments. I don't think it's right to start dating somebody and ask them to change nor do I think I have any right to tell her to change. I never knew her any other way and I also don't think she looks bad. She just doesn't do it for me.


----------



## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

Dallas, her body type (apple, I believe) is such that her extra weight is mostly distributed in her midsection. She dresses well for her type and I'm sure she does it on purpose. Like I said earlier, form-fitting jeans aren't bad. She has a little extra weight from the hips down, but not much. Most of it is in her midsection. She's also relatively broad-shouldered, so there's more room there physically to put weight.


----------

