# The Point of No Return?



## FlyingDragon (Mar 17, 2011)

Hi, all. First of all, this is a long post. Thank you for taking the time to read it. 

I'm a 34 year old female. I've been married to my husband for almost 10 years / been together for 12. We have 2 kids. I used to believe that my husband was my soul mate, my best friend. Now, I think I have been fooling myself for years and that I was more in love with the idea of it more than anything. 

When we first got together, we had our issues. He has a pretty nasty jealous side and holds a grudge, can't forgive and forget, quiet, relies on other people sort of person; I am a brush it off and move forward, head-strong, do it yourself, take on the world kind of girl. We seemed to compliment each other right, though; we could talk endlessly and agree, laugh, have fun, and be the best of friends, inseparable and perfect at times. He had a bit of a dark, violent side when he was angry; he would punch holes in walls, flip the mattress off the bed (with me in it), rip doors off hinges, etc., but all of that faded eventually and he hasn't acted that way in many years. 

After a year of marriage and a new baby, he decided to have an affair with a barmaid. I found out about it when I went for a post-partum checkup; a bad pap smear & further testing revealed I now had HPV that I hadn't had before. A little more time elapsed and I found out that he also contracted & gave me genital herpes. We separated, but I forgave him and we moved forward. No, I wasn't happy with what he had done, but I still had him, our family, and was willing to forgive him, change the things about myself that contributed to his straying, got us both medical attention....and we moved on happily. 

I have always earned the primary income in our household. It's just my good luck that I landed the job I did at the time, and I have never EVER criticized his income. I've always supported him in everything he ever did or wanted to do; he had started and quit dozens of jobs; opened & closed a couple of small business ventures, and settled on working from home online. I thought it was perfect - he could work while I was at work; we could cut out the daycare and he could be home for the kids after school. But, he ended up staying up until all hours of the morning, sleeping in until the kids got home from school, and would be just starting work when I was getting home from work. It threw our schedules way off, and by the time he was ready to get intimate I was way overdue getting sleep. But, once again, I'd accommodate him...wake up from a dead sleep to get intimate - and adjust everything else I did so that I could make it work around what he wanted to do. As long as he was happy, things were good; and I was happy things were good.

About 7 years ago, he came to me and told me his mother needed a place to live and that she was moving into our house. I was not happy about him making the decision without me, but she was in need and I can't turn away family in crisis. So, I moved our kids around, made room for her, and adjusted our home life & schedules for everything from showers to laundry to dinner to accommodate. 

Three years later, his mother and I conflicted far beyond repair and she finally moved out. Just as I was hoping to restore a normal life with my husband and children, he came to me on a Friday and announced he was starting a new full time job on Monday. That was all the notice or discussion ever made. This affected us in an immeasurable amount - every aspect of every level. However, I felt he must have had some good reasoning for his decision, and once again, I supported his decision. And, once again, I was forced to make adjustments and changes to everything I did, some of which affected not just me but also my job, our children's lives, our schedule, our bank account, and our time for one another. Additionally, he maintained his home based business, and began hoarding the money earned from that and would spend it on frivolous things for himself (ATV's, motorcycles, high-tech toys, etc.) We really could have used the money to pay off bills, but he kept digging us deeper and deeper into credit card debt and blowing his extra money on junk. But, it relieved his stress, made him happy, so I kept my mouth shut to keep the peace.

At the time, I was a member of an online forum and made casual talk of daily life-happenings with the same online friends for several years. I mentioned feeling "left out" by my husband's actions, questioned myself and what I did wrong. Wondered why I couldn't get him to talk to me. Why he would hide his money from me; how he could seemingly put his selfish, boy-ish desires before everyone else. 

And then, it was brought to my attention, that perhaps he was being selfish and was taking advantage of me. Top it all off that it was brought to my attention that I was enabling him by always being so accommodating and not putting my foot down for the things I really wanted.

And then, it dawned on me that I did want more things. That I did have a right to my opinion and things I wanted to do. That I had a right to have friends. To wear dresses to work if i wanted. To put on makeup to go to the grocery store. To get my hair cut. To call my mom and say hi. To go shopping. To drive the kind of car I liked. To paint my toenails purple. That I had the right to be me, instead of always giving in to being who he needed or wanted me to be. I realized....that if I said I liked the pink sweater, and he said he liked the blue sweater....that I always bought the blue sweater. Even though I really loved that pink sweater. And later on, I'd hate the blue sweater. I hated it because it's not what I wanted, and I allowed him to tell me what I should like.

At this point, I became angry and started making changes. I quit smoking, cut my hair. Started working out more, eating healthier, dressing nicer to suit my nicer body. Things that made ME happy about ME. But, these changes only angered him and caused a ton of fighting. I had no friends; he made me shut them out of my life. So I turned to my online support group and had an emotional affair with someone who I still to this day consider my best friend. Never had anything physical, but he appreciated me for who I am and not for who he wanted me to be. The thought of this acceptance made me want to leave my marriage for this person, but it wasn't a wise choice for so many reasons. Still, I disclosed my emotional affair to my husband, who surprisingly did an immediate 180. It really seemed like he realized my frustration, like he understood why I felt the way I did, and that he wanted to work things out. It truly looked like we were going to be able to start a new, different path together that was going to be happy. 

That was very short-lived. Fast forward, and it's now been nearly 3 years, and things are just as bad as they ever were. Most times, he's accusing me of cheating, constantly checking my clothes, undergarments for signs or smells. He drives by my job to make sure I'm there. He checks all my phone calls, texts, and internet history. He's verbally abusive at times; calls me a tramp, tells me I'll drop my pants for the first sweet talker that comes along. In the grocery store, he'll stop at the condoms and ask me, loudly so everyone else can hear, which brand I like to use when I'm out sleeping around. And then....at other times, he's very sweet, very caring; wants to be married forever, says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, wants to get re-married, take me away on a private vacation for just us. I feel like he's putting on a show to appease me, that all those sweet things are just empty promises to try to keep me hanging on by that glimmer of hope for a little bit longer. 

Physically, he's deteriorated. He's gained a lot of weight; hardly shaves anymore and is scruffy all the time. He showers daily but never before sex, and he sweats all day at his job. He doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom, and I don't want him touching me intimately with gross hands. His genital area hygiene is horrible; I have had to clean him so often, I've successfully managed to work it into foreplay and I disgust myself admitting it now. He won't brush his teeth regularly, and he's got gingivitis & periodontal disease which give him horrible breath and I can't bear to kiss him anymore. He comes home from work and obsessively eats massive quantities of junk food, plus the dinner I cook, then a massive quantity of sweets, candy, etc., and then moans all night about feeling sick. Then, the rest of the night he's passing gas, and no he doesn't hold back when I give him oral sex. It's inconsiderate, disrespectful, and disgusting. He used to take care of himself better for me. When I tell him I'd like him to take care of himself better for me, he snaps back that he works harder than I do, that he doesn't go to work and sit at a desk all day and be lazy like I do, and that I married what I married and I knew what I was getting into. He used to groom himself for me, shower after work, clean up, look good. Now? No such luck. 

His poor physical condition has dwindled us down to 2 sexual positions. When I get on top, I can get maybe 2 minutes out of him, but his stomach has grown so large that I can't stimulate my clitoris and can't climax. When he gets behind me, maybe I can get 5 good minutes, but his knees start to hurt, he goes limp, he has to sit.....and we end up finishing with oral. It's like clockwork. He rolls over and passes out, starts snoring, and I cry myself to sleep in disappointment. The next day, I brush the dirt off and try again....only to re-live it again....and again the next night....and again the next.... I have always been very sexual, very sensual - wild and crazy, and we had wonderful fun. We used to have sex about 10 times a week. Now, it's less than 10 times a month and I'm crying myself to sleep more than anything.

I want the passion back. I want my lover back, the one who used to caress me all over and couldn't resist me. He used to love me for being beautiful and sexual. Now, he hates me for being beautiful and sexual. Seems like it's only OK to be those things if he's completely controlling me. He tells me he wishes he married an ugly fat woman. 

I think he suffers from clinical depression. I've asked him to see a doctor; he wont. I've asked him to attend counseling with me, but he is of the mindset that a stranger with a degree isn't going to help him work out his problems any better than he could do on his own. There isn't any changing his mind on this. He also feels as though he has done nothing wrong; that I'm just creating drama and inventing reasons to justify leaving him for someone else; that he doesn't like any changes I've made because I made all the changes to try to impress someone else; that I just want to play mind games with him and make him out to be the "bad guy" in our relationship. He tells me he wants me to go back to being normal, back to being the person I used to be....that I'm not the person he married. He tells me that I'm always throwing it in his face how his job isn't as good as mine, and that couldn't be more untrue. 

I expect that 2 married people will NOT stay the same. We SHOULD grow and change, and should do so together. I don't expect us to be the same; might as well be married to myself. So why does he expect me to be his twin? I won't stand by and 'yes sir' his every need. He used to say he found my confidence, independence, and strong will attractive. I guess I've accommodated him so much, though, that I've made him completely complacent to my spirit. Now that I've worked to re-gain some of my individuality, I've left him behind on the growth charts, and now we're only growing apart. 

As long as I pretend to be happy and please him, the fighting ends and he goes back to being nice to me, completely drops any issues we haven't resolved. I'm tired of being the enabler, allowing the issues to be swept under the carpet. When I tell him this, he acts like we resolved all of our issues and then accuses me of having my mind in the clouds, that I must be thinking of someone else....and then the fighting period starts over again. 

I do love him, but I do not feel as if I'm IN love....there isn't any passion, there isn't any desire. I resent how he's treated me over the years, and I'm not sure I am going to be able to fully forgive him for that. I realize I allowed it to go on, but now I'm not, and I think if he truly wanted to stay together and make things right, then he'd try harder to understand how I feel. It may be too late to reverse his thinking, and he may never understand if he doesn't seek help for his depression. 

I am no longer afraid of the thought of separation/divorce being difficult; instead, I've _accepted _that it WILL be difficult, and am confident that I will make the best out of it, and I know that no matter what I will be OK because I will be _happy_. 

Part of me still says, 'don't quit until you've given it your all', but how many years of 'all' is enough 'ALL'? 

Have I reached the point of no return?


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## Calliope (Mar 17, 2011)

You have the patience of a Saint. I would've ditched him and said "good riddance" after finding out that not only did he give me herpes, but that he gave me something that leads to cervical cancer. There is NO excuse for that. He knowingly exposed you to diseases and other things that are not only permanent, but studies are now showing how herpes can lead to even worse things like dementia and Alzheimer's. 

By just reading about his current physical state, I even got grossed out. There is no way I would let a man that unhygienic touch me, so you deserve an award for Woman of the Year because you are actually letting him have sex with you. 

He sounds like a controlling, selfish, and manipulative as-s - sorry to lay it out so bluntly, but he does. You deserve so much better. The simple fact that he hasn't consulted you on two major life changes (MIL moving in and him getting a full-time job in addition to his at-home stuff) shows just how little he cares about how things affect you or your family. 

You should also NEVER feel guilty for wanting to do something for yourself, especially if it makes you happy and is positive. Good for you for working out, dressing in ways that make you feel sexy, getting a haircut, and all of those other things. You deserve it.

The fact that he wants you to go back to where you do nothing for yourself, he basically says what you do and you follow, and to where he still gets to be a selfish child speaks volumes. Also his refusal for help or counseling says it right there - he doesn't care.

I'd leave him and move on while I was still able to, but ultimately it's up to you what you do. I will, however, wish you the best of luck.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

yeah, this was only really fixable with MC. If you want to pursue that you can, but wow. If you want to do MC, you should start IC first. It would have to be an ultimatum of 100% change or you are done.

I've said there is always hope when there is love, and you sound like a pretty amazing person. I can't believe you put up with this much. He doesn't deserve you at all. I rarely say this, but probably just leave.

I think either way, get into IC. I think it will really help you. He has abused you. The dynamic you guys had was really bad. He treated you like crap and you didn't respond back and put up with it.

He REALLY doesn't deserve you and you would have made a good man very happy.


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

What a shame you don't get the big "O" @ the end!! I too have the same problem, my wife has grown to a unhealthy weight and it's hard for me to remain excited all the time. She is an excellent lover and most of the time makes sure I get off. As far as the rest goes....divorce?......You got over the affair, but he has not changed....kinda like he's having an affair w/ himself. How about MC? Become the dominate one?
Good luck!!
Mouse


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## FlyingDragon (Mar 17, 2011)

Calliope said:


> You have the patience of a Saint.
> .....ultimately it's up to you what you do. I will, however, wish you the best of luck.


Thank you for your kinds words, Calliope. I do deserve better, I just wish I could get it out of him. To say that I am at a crossroads would be an understatement.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

You've allowed yourself to feel degraded, used and subservient all with the goal of seeking peace in your relationship. Add to that the fact that you gave him every benefit of the doubt and a chance to fix things - what I'm saying is that it is very hard to imagine him improving enough to right the balance in the relationship.

I admire your perserverence and determination. Simply put, you deserve better. Not sure if I was reading between the lines correctly, but there seems to be an underlying question from you. You've gone through extremes to exhaust any chance that it can be fix, and may be asking for validation that you've done enough. Absolutely!

I think that unless you change your mind, it simply comes down to a tactful, but firm, discussion along the lines of , "I'm sorry for the pain that this is going to cause you, but I will be ...."

I'll challenge you to go through therapy for a while. All the things you did for him - how about seeing to it that you recognize that you are worthy of this on the receiving end in the future? You'll put things into the relationship, not because it brings neutral peace, but because it makes you really, really happy.


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## barbaran (Aug 1, 2014)

I think I am at the point of no return just like you. I am tired being married to a man that constantly lie to me and does everything behind my back. Right now I go to family counseling all by myself, and I decide to emotional divorce with him. Since he is being a jerk every time when we had a fight, he told me he doesn't want to move out the house, and that he wants our children. There is no way I would give up my 2 children to him. He has a drug addicted so call biological sister that's for real I don't think she is his biological sister especially the lady that supposed to be his biological mom told him that she didn't think that he is her son, but yet he is in denied. I am so beyond exhausted in this 15 years of marriage. It doesn't seem to go nowhere, it is a catch 22 over and over again. I just don't know when it is time for me just to pack my things and never look back in this miserable life.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Some of this is your fault. You've rolled over for years and allowed him to be a selfish pos, and in doing so taught him how to treat you. Any chance he might have had to be better would have come if you'd thrown him out; this is something that a lot of people don't get. Some people will behave as badly as they can get away with, and your hb is one of them. Quit rolling over for him and kick him out, he'll either get his sh!t together or not, either way you'll have your answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stupidman (Jul 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Some of this is your fault. You've rolled over for years and allowed him to be a selfish pos, and in doing so taught him how to treat you. Any chance he might have had to be better would have come if you'd thrown him out; this is something that a lot of people don't get. Some people will behave as badly as they can get away with, and your hb is one of them. Quit rolling over for him and kick him out, he'll either get his sh!t together or not, either way you'll have your answer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just can't agree with this. If you love someone, you want to make them happy not use them and treat them like sh**. Flyingdragon, you really are a saint. I might just use this post to show my wife just how bad she could have it. Can't believe you haven't already left him. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. I personally think the most disrespectful thing you could do to your spouse is have an affair. I often tell my wife, that if she ever felt the need to please just break it off with me first. Even if "there are things about yourself that contributed to his straying" if he loved you he wouldn't have acted on it without first trying to work things out with you or break it off.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Walking dead?


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