# Fiance in 7 year affair



## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Hello everyone.. I'm a newbie to this site and I would like to share a bit of my story here and hope to receive some advice and direction from this community. 
My fiancé and I have been together for almost 11 years. Very early in the relationship, he was unfaithful and cheated on me with another woman. He promised to change and we decided to work on our relationship. We then got engaged a couple years after that, and I discovered that he was having an affair with his co worker. He claimed that the affair was not physical and that they were both just needed attention. Again, I made the decision to sTay and work on our relationship. Three years following, I found out that he was still seeing the same woman and this time he admitted to the affair being physical off and on. He claimed it was only for sex. I also called off the wedding due to ongoing affair. Yes, again he promised to change and not engage in any relations with the other woman. Unfortunately, another three years has passed and I discovered that he was still involved with the other woman upon investigation. I found a "secret" phone In his car and read messages from the other woman professing her love for him. I then registered for teensafe and received all the necessary info. I spoke to her over the phone in his presence and they both confessed to the affair and claimed that they would end the affair and all ties. My fiance is now begging profusely for Another chance and I'm lost. I'm devastated by this and still very much In shock and I'm uncertain whether I should give it anotjer shot of reconciliation or just simply let it go and move on. Pls ppl, I'm still very emotional so don't he too hard on me. Thank you I'm advance for any advice or support offered. Btw, the other woman is married and I did not expose the affair to her husband for fear of the outcome. I've only told some of his family members and a couple of my friends. The other woman apologized to me, however she does not seem remorseful as I have added her on my WhatsApp messenger and she continues to throw subliminals via memes on her profile. Any further questions are welcomed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

To make sure I have this correct... you are not currently married? Correct?


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

I am sorry that you are here. I want to encourage you to do what YOU know you need to do but have not had the courage yet. He is a PROVEN liar and cheater. You have years of proof from him. And you have taken it far too long.

You need to leave him immediately and never look back. Then, get yourself into counseling and find out why you would let yourself be treated this way. This is very important. You have allowed something for years that most women know is wrong. Why do you allow it? What is your weakness? What is it about you that allows you to treat yourself with such disrespect.

Once you figure this out you will be on the path to a healthy life. But please do not fall for anymore of his lies and give him no more chances.

Run and thank God you never married him.


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

Hi Queene,

Sorry youre here. But hopefully we can help.

So to sum it up he has been unfaithful 3 times with two different women, correct?

All of this BEFORE marriage? 

Answer to should you give it another shot? a resounding NO!

This guy is a SERIAL cheater. These kinds of people do not change. Some people are good people, go most of their lives then suddenly the fall off the right path. THey make a bad decision and they are now having an affair. ONE TIME. These kinds of people can change sometimes. BUT a serial cheater? Its not what they did, its who they are.

SOrry Queene, I know its tough to hear but RUN girl, RUN!!!!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm so sorry.

I just don't see a path forward for you with this man.


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

No I called of the wedding after
Discovering the affair the second time, hence the reason we are not married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Please just do this to him, OK?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Given his history, there are likely more women that you don't know about.

Please end this relationship immediately. Why give this louse another chance? He's proven repeatedly that he is incapable of monogamy.

And get yourself into counseling to figure out why you have tolerated his abysmal treatment of you for so long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Dafux, run queene run and get tested


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Hi Queene, 

Sorry to be blunt, but when I read your post, I pictured an SUV driven by your fiance running you over.... Once, twice, three, four times.....

How many more times until you'll say enough, get up, and leave?

Right now you may as well fill up his gas tank and get him the best tires money can buy.


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Thank you guys. I'm new to
This site and trying to
Figure out how to use it, so I may not respond individually to your questions. Thx

Prior to engagement , he cheated with one other woman that I know of...then after the engagement two
That I know of...even though he denies one. However, he keeps running back to the othwr woman bevause he claims that she makes him feel needed sexually amd it's mainly for the sex.
He denies being In love with her but I beg to differ. I don't know why he just can't let go of her in particular.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

It sounds like this time he really means it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Are you kidding? Dump the chump.

Seriously... kick him out of your life immediately and forever.

Then expose the affair to OW's husband. He deserves to know that he's been sharing his wife w/ (at _least_ one) OM for the past several years.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tobin said:


> It sounds like this time he really means it.


:lol: :rofl:


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry Queene, he is absolutely, positively not marriage material. How old are you both?


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

I'm in my early thirties, he is in his 42
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@Queene, he's never going to stop cheating. Never.

He might lay low for a while, but just as soon as he thinks you've let your guard down, he'll be back at it again.

Let these two sorry POS's have each other... first kick your sorry POS out of your life and then expose the affair to OWH.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Queenie this one is straight forward. The guy is abusing you and you're not even married. That won't get better once you are married. 

Sorry to say you've wasted 11 years with this guy but you have... don't waste another day. If you're only engaged just show him the door and wish him well with his married woman. Then delete him from you life and never look back. 

Don't let him convince you he'll change... he won't. He's a liar. 

Walk away...
Please
Walk away.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

You will ruin your life if you believe him again.

You already wasted several precious years of your life on this loser.

One more day spent on him is one more day of your life wasted.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
This is what In would tell my own daughter. You deserve better. There are men out there of strong moral fiber and good character, this one is not. I know you have invested 11 years but better to face it now rather than later when children may be involved. Work on improving your selection criteria for men, up your standards. There is a guy out there that will treat you with respect and honor. As hard as it may be you need to cut this one loose. You are still young and can offer the right man a lifetime of faithful, dedicated and devoted moments and he you, instead of lies, suspicion and mistrust that your building with your current guy.

This cannot sustain long term because he simply does not care for you as a fiance/husband should so, before you get hurt even worse, I urge you to sever ties with him and let him have his women. Take your time and find the man that wants only one woman for life, you, then plan a wedding to be remembered. Good fortune.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Queene said:


> I'm in my early thirties, he is in his 42
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And he still hasn't grown up? :scratchhead: Weird.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

11 year relationship, 7 + year engagement, no kids, 3 affairs. Did I get that right?

Exactly what would you be losing when you leave him? You are no more in love with him than he is with you. You are in love with the idea of a relationship. You like to pretend that you are in one, even when all of the evidence says he has never committed to you. To him you are just a habit, a friendly place to park when he isn't busy.


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## checkmate1 (Aug 24, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> 11 year relationship, 7 + year engagement, no kids, 3 affairs. Did I get that right?
> 
> Exactly what would you be losing when you leave him? You are no more in love with him than he is with you. You are in love with the idea of a relationship. You like to pretend that you are in one, even when all of the evidence says he has never committed to you. To him you are just a habit, a friendly place to park when he isn't busy.


Wow! Now I see why you call yourself mr. nail!!! :grin2:
But you are SPOT ON.


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

I've been leaning towards letting him go as I'm just too hurt and
Couldn't deal with this yet another time. Thx.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Yup... Mr. Nail nailed it!!!!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Queene, you've wasted enough of your years on this unworthy man. Please let him go. You're my age, I divorced after a 13 year relationship when I turned 30. You'll be ok but don't waste a second more with this guy. You are worth a lot more to a man that will adore you.


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Wow! Go easy Mr. Nail..I really do love this man and as stupid as it sounds I often fall for his promises to change. Not so sure about liking to pretend to be in a relationship brcsuse that's not who I am..I guess just a fool for love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Queene,

IF!, and that is a big IF, you stay with this guy...

1) he needs to take a polygraph

2) you need to expose to the husbands / boyfriends of all the OW

3) your BF needs to apologize to the husbands / boyfriends he has wronged.

4) complete transparency in everything, no lying ever on his part

Whatever other harsh restrictions you can dream up, a serial cheater like your BF will continue to do 
what he has done to you for the rest of your life without extreme measures. 

He's 42 and dragging his feet about getting married, tell him to marry his Mother.

Tamat


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'll back down, especially now that I have your attention. Are you ready to stop being a fool?


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Yes you have my attention mr. Nail
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Queene said:


> Wow! Go easy Mr. Nail..I really do love this man and as stupid as it sounds I often fall for his promises to change. Not so sure about liking to pretend to be in a relationship brcsuse that's not who I am..I guess just a fool for love.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



https://youtu.be/8Ux3DKxxFoM?t=46


More seriously, love is a two way street. Just your love for him is not enough. This guy is a serial liar. How can you trust the rest of your life with him ? Your finances, your mental health, if you have kids, their futures ? How many times is too many ?

I mean, if you think about it, why should he even stop the affair ? If you are just interested in catching him having affairs, you should look for a career change into being a private detective


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Queene, I am normally in favour of reconciliation -wherever possible- and couple's counselling.

But in your case? You need to run him out of town on a rail. 

There is no hope for him.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

At the very best you are in a bad relationship, that is not getting you what you want or need. Regardless of how you got here this is where you are. The chances of curing a serial cheater are not good. He will most likely keep hurting you. Marriage will not make him faithful. Children will not make him faithful. He is the only one who can make him faithful, and he has to want that more than he wants the thrill of affairs. Sex and thrill is a hard combination to beat. 

What you can do is to make him face the very real consequences of his actions. First he has to face the real threat of you leaving. If you live together, pack and move out, or make him move out (even better). If you don't live together, cut off face to face visits. And if you must see him it must be public. Make sure he feels how much you distrust him. Next he has to face the hurt he has put on you. He has to know deep down that it is real. Go get tested for STD's. Tell him how embarrassed you were and how you cried in public over it. Tell him what you thought of his character that made you go through that. 

When he comes around and starts making promises. Don't believe him, demand proof. Demand that he get individual counseling and that he verifies every visit to you. When he can do all of that, then you can start considering if you really want to keep him.

I'll check in after about 3 hours I have an appt. with my son now.
MN


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I guess I'm not really sure what advice you're looking for. I mean, you know very well he's a cheat and a liar so if having him means enough to you to put up with it then own it. Own that you have an open relationship and make peace with that. 

You're quite old enough to know that love doesn't mean you have to make stupid decisions. If I love a murderer do I ignore that he's a murderer because I love him? 

If he means that much to you then take him back, just don't complain when he cheats again because you know who he is. By all means, have kids with him too and let them grow up seeing their father fvck other women because you love him. Doesn't sound so great when you think of it like that does it? 

At this point he's so used you looking the other way that he thinks you're a doormat. If that's how you want to live knock yourself out, just be a grownup and own it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Thanks guys for responding and offering good advice. I may not say much but I'm listening and taking heed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

The problem isn't him anymore.
The problem is you.

The solution obvious = walk away.


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Lifeistooshort ...it's not how I want to live so I don't want to own that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

I agree gouge away...I blame myself for accepting his crap and believing that he would eventually change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

Please Please Please dump him. Get a new number, only tell friends and family. Delete and block him from all social media sites!!!!
Leave him, so you can heal and move on with your life.
He's addicted to cheating. You don't need an addict in your life. 
Addicts will tell you anything so they can continue in their addiction.
Please Please Please Please Pleaseeeeee Leave him and move on!!!
I don't care if he starts cry, or whinning...or say 'baby i need you....'
No no he doesn't need you, you need to move on. He has a whole list of women he goes back to.
That's how addicts are, they will say anything and do anything to keep their addiction going. 
To keep their stash hidden.
He has names he has numbers he can all any woman up any time, and feed his addiction.
He's saying 'sorry to you in the morning' and slipping out to sleep with another woman at night.

By ear plug, and put them in your ears so you can hear this cheater lies. 
Hopefully yall are not living together, but if you are, get your stuff and leave. 
STAY W/ a friend or family until you can get an apartment. 
Don't let him know where you live, give him nothing...move on!!
Too much time wasted, your in your early 30's enough time to find a good man who won't cheat on you, and start a beautiful family.

I hope everything works out for the best dear one!


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Queene said:


> Lifeistooshort ...it's not how I want to live so I don't want to own that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Queene you don't deserve this, and he doesn't deserve you, you were meant to be with somebody else. Quit wasting your time.

Walk away, 11 years ago.
Don't even explain yourself to him, HE DOESNT EVEN DESERVE AN EXPLANATION. The guy will always have excuses, HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, you will not have a marriage with him, PERIOD.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Queene said:


> Lifeistooshort ...it's not how I want to live so I don't want to own that.


LTS's point is to say that, at this point, you're well aware that this POS is a serial cheat and pathological liar. Given that, should you choose to stay w/ him, and you again discover months or years down the road that he's once again been running around on you (and let's face it... that's exactly what would happen), any and all emotional turmoil that you experience as a result will be all on you.

If you pick up a snake and it bites you, would you be dumb enough to pick it up a second time just because the first bite didn't kill you?

If so, you're going to get bitten again.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Honest Questions

What do you see in this guy worth loving?

What was your family of origin like?


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

I grew up in a broken home and I don't have much family...I guess that's why I cling to him in a way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

If you are interested in a monogamous relationship you will need to get on with your life without him. Lean on friends or family that understand that you need to be slapped silly if you ever feel as though you need to see this man again.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

He knows what he is doing, he knows you will keep clinging. Ignore his begging and work on making some friends that are like family.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Agree, break it off, and instead of looking for a better man, look for other women to cling to. They will make your man search a lot easier.

The fact you cannot answer my first question is very telling.



gouge_away said:


> What do you see in this guy worth loving?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Queene said:


> Lifeistooshort ...it's not how I want to live so I don't want to own that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't have to, you just have to own whatever decision you do make because your eyes are wide open. 

My father used to tell me that you have to deal with people as they are, not how you wish they were. While it seems straightforward it can be difficult. 

Cut contact with him right now and begin your healing process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You've given him more chances than he deserves. Cut bait and run. 

There are good men out there, don't cling to the bad ones. They just use you and drain you. It's scary to head back into the unknown, but you can do better than him. 

Think about getting yourself some therapy. You mentioned you grew up in a dysfunctional home, you may want to check out http://www.adultchildren.org/


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

I must admit I do at times feel like his plan b and that he's just with me since he can't be with her...don't know y it's just so hard for me to officially just end it and not look back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So so sorry but you have wasted far too many years of your life on this man. There is no way he will change now, why should he? Leave him, you are not married, less complications. I hope you do not have children with him?

You are still young in the grand scheme of things, 32? You can still meet a man who will love you and treat you right in a loving and committed relationship.

Your WSO is already 42 and it is unlikely his behaviour will change.
He does not care about you, otherwise he would not do what he does continually. He has not committed to you and has his feet planted with both you and OW. eating cake bigtime he is! You are worth more than this.

You should tell the OW's H, he ought to know, it is only but fair.

Do not tell your WSO of your intentions, just quietly act:

1. Organise your finances - are you financially independent? If not start looking for a job
2. Seek the advice of a lawyer, you may have rights as a common law wife (depending on your country) and see what your rights are if you have common property, etc
3. Build yourself a support network. Tell your family and friends about what you have discovered about him so that they can help you make your exit
4. When you are ready, just leave him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

P.S. Remove OW's contact from your phone, do NOT engage with her at all. Do not let her know what you are doing. She has a nerve and obviously thinks she has the upper hand when in fact you have the power to blow her life out of the water. Pls tell her husband asap.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Queene said:


> I must admit I do at times feel like his plan b and that he's just with me since he can't be with her...don't know y it's just so hard for me to officially just end it and not look back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Aside from all the difficulty of actually leaving (see advice from others), you can't imagine how much easier it is to leave now than after another decade of marriage.

Do it for yourself.

Don't discount the reality that you are now in your prime. You want kids and a life with someone don't you? Well go meet someone who is serious marriage material and get on with it.

If you wake up one day childless, infertile, single, financially poor, and less physically attractive than you were in your youth, you won't be able to forgive yourself.

If I knew to leave my wife before we got married knowing she would cheated on me, then I would have paid ANYTHING for that knowledge.

Your fiancée is a cheater. We will cheat on you again and again, lie over and over and will one day (soon by the sound of it) leave you.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Queene,

If he was a women would say she haa a pathological need to be queen of the promo and every guys wet dream fanasty (except they would never say or do anything about it because they respect her brains and viture to much). So if a brother or male friend what advise would you give him. 

Look he is an all pro player who has tied both you and the ow to him emotionally. When you go to separate you may be shocked to find out how much he controls you financially. Little things like lease in his name, or even better home in his name and like a strong women you pay half the mortgage ? Strong women good, letting that be used to your disadvantage not good. 

The only question here are the Brass tacks of how to move on both emotionally and practical. So do you own or rent ? Rental market in your area ? House share or roommate possibly. Share with other posters here in the private section.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Queene Sorry ur here. Either he has more women than u know or he has been in more of a relationship with this woman than he ever was with u. Please dont accept being a second place trophy. I think u know what u need to do. The question is do you have the strength to do it? Good luck


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> @Queene, he's never going to stop cheating. Never.
> 
> He might lay low for a while, but just as soon as he thinks you've let your guard down, he'll be back at it again.
> 
> Let these two sorry POS's have each other... first kick your sorry POS out of your life and then expose the affair to OWH.


Yes

Imagine when you have kids and put on weight or grow old and have wrinkles . He's going to laugh in your face .


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Please just do this to him, OK?


This!


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Thank you everyone...I will take heed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

You should remove the title of "fiance" from his resume and never speak to him again.

There is no hope.

You cannot change someone just by loving them.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's messed up.


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Hello everyone ..I'm back again. So Im not financially capable of living on my own right now, so how do I cope under the same roof? We both went to counselling together and I sort of became confused in terms of my decision making. The therapist said that she could help us, therefore I started reconsidering reconciliation. However, he promised to quit smoking(one of our issues) if I gave him another chance and he faltered on that and continues his habit everyday. This leads me to believe that he wouldnt follow through on his other promises either. I'm just stating how I feel and what I'm currently going through ppl..I anticipate a backlash from folks already...I already feel bad about the stupid choices I've mase throughout the years so Pls don't beat up on me. I'm here for advice, support, guidance. Thx.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Would finding another roommate work for you so you do not have to live with him? It doesn't mean things are finished between you or that you can't reconcile. Whichever way you are leaning, if it becomes too stressful to live with him right now; then don't! Take care of yourself~


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Can you live with a friend or family member temporarily?


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Not really. I have to live here for now. However I'm just confused as to how do I continue to live with him without complicating things further or hurting myself more in the process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I had to live with my ex for about 6 months before I moved out. 

It's difficult but my suggestion would be to only see it as a roof over your head. You sustain yourself as best you can. He sustain himself. Have separate rooms, get a lock put on your door if you're concerned about privacy. 

Get a safety deposit box and put all your personal and sensitive documents there. Put any nice jewelry there. 

Bills, try to split these reasonably. My name was in the mortgage of the house until the day my ex bought out my half and the funds were in my bank account. 

You do your food shopping, toiletries, etc. Work out who needs the bathroom first based on work, commute, etc. This was all stuff I had to do with my ex and we were able to keep it pretty civil without too many blowups.


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Thx. Good advice..think I can do it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Queene, keep writing every now and then to tell us about your progress, ok?

Keep in mind that you need to move out as fast as possible, so don't stay living with him longer than you really have to. It will drive you insane.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Queene, since I didn't carefully read the entire thread, the following may have been addressed. When a guy has an eleven year fiance, and kids with her no less, it means he's not into her enough to want to make it legal (unless he's a CIA operative away on a long term national security assignment) He's able to mentally keep one foot out the door while having a roof over his head and a warm bed to sleep in. Don't let anybody fool you. 
Since he, or possibly you or both, fails to be committed enough for a trip to the alter after so many years of "being together", why would you think he's committed enough to turn down some "strange" once and awhile? Most likely he likes to think of himself as having the freedom of a single guy with the benefits of having a steady companion. 
Rather than his fiancee melady, you may be his financier (and a warm base camp). Folks can spin it like they want, but this is generally the way it is. This old boy is still shopping around.


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

ThePheonix said:


> Don't let anybody fool you.
> Since he, or possibly you or both, fails to be committed enough for a trip to the alter after so many years of "being together", why would you think he's committed enough to turn down some "strange" once and awhile? Most likely he likes to think of himself as having the freedom of a single guy with the benefits of having a steady companion


This is BS. I'm with my girl almost 4 years, I'd never get married again, she knows this and agrees, and it does not, in any way shape or form mean I am any less committed to her than the guy who slips a ring on her finger and then cheats down the line. 

I've never cheated, I have no urge to cheat and my unwillingness to marry has absolutely nothing to do with honesty, commitment, loyalty and devotion to my partner with whom I expect to spend my remaining years.

Many more people are choosing to live together rather than marry. According to your rather flawed theory, there's a greater chance of infidelity because they have not proven their commitment and trustworthiness by a meaningless exchange of vows which are broken on a daily basis by those who said them.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tobin said:


> This is BS. I'm with my girl almost 4 years, I'd never get married again, she knows this and agrees, and it does not, in any way shape or form mean I am any less committed to her than the guy who slips a ring on her finger and then cheats down the line.
> 
> I've never cheated, I have no urge to cheat and my unwillingness to marry has absolutely nothing to do with honesty, commitment, loyalty and devotion to my partner with whom I expect to spend my remaining years.
> 
> Many more people are choosing to live together rather than marry. According to your rather flawed theory, there's a greater chance of infidelity because they have not proven their commitment and trustworthiness by a meaningless exchange of vows which are broken on a daily basis by those who said them.




Well if you have such an understanding I imagine that you don't refer to each other as fiance, which implies an agreement to marry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

It seems your fiancé of *SEVEN YEARS* is under the impression that "no ring, it ain't a thing".

Honestly, I can't imagine why anyone would be engaged that long. Clearly if he wanted to marry you he would have long ago. Men are rarely shy about wanting to spend their life with a woman, and if you were "the one" for him I can't imagine why he wouldn't have made an honest woman of you already.

Sounds like it may be time for you to move on if you want monogamy.


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## shorty2083 (Sep 15, 2015)

I dont get what there is to think about here. AT ALL. LEAVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Just a quick update everyone...I'm still currently living with him and I agreed to go to couples therapy with him. Exactly why did I agree to go? I'm not exactly sure....However, I'm still one foot out the door and I'm uncertain if counseling would even be beneficial to us. He seems to stil not comprehend the severity of the entire situation and gets upset everytime I bring up the affair. However I plan on leaving as soon as I'm capable of doing so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why are you not capable of leaving now?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Queene said:


> Just a quick update everyone...I'm still currently living with him and I agreed to go to couples therapy with him. Exactly why did I agree to go? I'm not exactly sure....However, I'm still one foot out the door and I'm uncertain if counseling would even be beneficial to us. He seems to stil not comprehend the severity of the entire situation and gets upset everytime I bring up the affair. However I plan on leaving as soon as I'm capable of doing so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Counselling can sometimes help a BS realise that they need to escape their marriage/relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that he does not understand the magnitude of what he has done. 

I wonder how he'd react if you told him that you have been having an affair with someone all these years? I'll bet he would then understand the magnitude of it.


MY point? That he knows very well how bad his behavior has been. After all, if he did not, why all the lying all these years?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Why do you think that his affair is over? They've been together for seven years. People rarely just cut something like that off.

He knows that you won't leave him. Because of this, he won't leave her. 

Sorry, Queene, but you are looking at more heartache and misery if you don't cut the cord.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does the OW know that he tells you that she was only for sex? I wonder if she agrees with that? I wonder if he's told her that.


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

I agree Elegirl.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Alte dame...Axtually, I share the same opinion as you...I really don't know for certain if the affair is over it not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Ive seen text messages from the ow where she professes her love for him. I doubt that she believes that it's for sex only.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Queene said:


> Ive seen text messages from the ow where she professes her love for him. I doubt that she believes that it's for sex only.


You can bet that he never told her it was all for sex.

What an affair is about is cake eating... he gets two women to fill his needs. What a deal!! 

When a person's emotional needs are met, it causes good brain chemicals to be produced. So if he's got two women meeting his needs, his body/brain are making and up taking a lot more dopamine, oxytocin and other feel-good chemicals. He's high as a kite... we call that the affair fog.

That's one of the main reasons that people hide affairs... because they get a huge benefit out of having two people cater to them. If he stops the affair, he will feel depressed. If he does not have you he will feel depressed. That's because he's used to the high.

.


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Elegirl what you said makes complete sense and I agree. He does not seem completely happy...He tries to pretend that he's so complete now and says he's relieved now that the affair is over but I beg to differ. I doubt that she's totally out of the picture or his life...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Queene said:


> Elegirl what you said makes complete sense and I agree. He does not seem completely happy...He tries to pretend that he's so complete now and says he's relieved now that the affair is over but I beg to differ. I doubt that she's totally out of the picture or his life...


There is a very good chance that she is not. 

Have you tried to verify?


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

I don't know how to go about verifying it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Queene said:


> I don't know how to go about verifying it?


He is being very careful when he's around you, right?

Does he use a computer at home?

Is his cell phone locked?

Can you check his cell phone bill so see if he's calling/texting any one number often?

Has his pattern of the way he spends his time outside of work changed since he says he ended the affair?

One thing that can be very useful is a VAR (voice activated recorder). A lot of people who have affairs use their car as a private phone booth. They are sure that no one can catch them when they are driving around. So using a VAR often works. To use on in his car, use adhesive backed Velcro to secure it up under the front seat or in some other hidden area of the car. Some people get two VARs. One the have in the car and one to swap it out with. That way there's still a VAR in the car when they listening to the other one that was just taken out.

Someone I know caught her fiancé cheat with a VAR. She put it under their bed. She was suspicious because the bed looked different from the way she would make it some days. Turned out that he was bringing his ex over for noon sex while she was at work during the day.



Take a look at this thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

I guess I can try putting the var in his car...how often do you suggest that I change it out to listen to it? You are absolutely rite because he most often talkers to her in his car. Well he admitted to that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Queene, this is a mistake...


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Pls elaborate sparrow . What exactly is a mistake?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Queene said:


> I guess I can try putting the var in his car...how often do you suggest that I change it out to listen to it? You are absolutely rite because he most often talkers to her in his car. Well he admitted to that.


How often to swap it out? It depends on your access to his vehicle. Also look at how many hours the can last. That thread talks about which ones are good for this and other info.

If you can get access to his car daily, then do it daily. 

After I figured out that my son's father was cheating, I started checking his car daily.. when he was in the shower, out on a bike ride or asleep. At that time I did not know about using a VAR. I just went through his car. I found all kinds of things... letters, movie tickets, receipts for dates, condoms, and more. I found things hidden in the spare tire wheel well and in the compartment for the tire changing tools, under the carpet. He thought he was so cleaver. Today with cell phones with cameras it would be even easier to just photo graph the evidence. I got photo copies since we had a copier for my business.

And I kept very quiet while I fathered all the evidence.

Also, know the laws where you live. It's illegal just about anywhere to record a conversation that you are either no party to or that you do not have the consent of those involved. (Look up your state). Most people who do this do not tell anyone in their real life what they are doing. The recording is for your use only. If you find anything on the recording that is proof, upload it to some storage area... the cloud, thumb drive, etc that he cannot get to.

If you get any kind of recording of


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Queene said:


> Pls elaborate sparrow . What exactly is a mistake?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sparrow can speak for himself... but I'll guess what he's thinking.

You don't need any more evidence. It's a mistake for you to think that there is any way this relationship can work. It's a mistake to think that he's going to change. He's not.

The only reason I'm suggesting a VAR or getting more evidence is that you seem hell bent on trying to fix the unfixable. 

So maybe, just maybe, you can finally get enough to understand that you need to protect yourself, save yourself and leave this guy.


.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You don't need couples therapy. You don't want the same thing. He wants an open relationship, you don't. That's a fundamental incompatibility. It's not a question of if you should leave, but how quickly. I'm curious what circumstances are holding you in place? You should focus on removing those barriers first, readjust your life so your basic needs are covered, then get into some individual counselling to love yourself. You don't deserve what you are getting now. You deserve better.


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

I appreciate the advice Elegirl. However, I wouldnt say that I'm focused on fixing things. My mind is telling me that its not fixable, however my heart just won't simply let go completely. I'm working on that part. The fate I'm dealing with daily is TOTALLY accepting the fact that the damage is already done and it's irreparable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Queene said:


> I appreciate the advice Elegirl. However, I wouldnt say that I'm focused on fixing things. My mind is telling me that its not fixable, however my heart just won't simply let go completely. I'm working on that part. The fate I'm dealing with daily is TOTALLY accepting the fact that the damage is already done and it's irreparable.


The reason your heart is still all wrapped up in love for him is that you are still physically around him. 

You have two choices,

1) Stay with him until the love dies... probably years from how and by then you will be a bitter old woman.

2) Pay attention to what your head is telling you, ignore your heart for right now and RUN.

You see we like to think of 'love' as this magical feeling. Do you know what creates that feeling? Humans are chemical engines. When we 'fall in love' we bond with a person. The reason we feel bonded and in love is that our brain produces all kinds of hormones that make us feel good. Dopamine is the high. Then there is oxytocin. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. It's also sometimes called the amnesia hormone.

Every time you are near him, hear his voice, even think of him your body produces more oxytocin. Every time you have sex with him, the levels skyrocket. So this keeps you bonded and 'in love'.

The amnesia effect of oxytocin comes into play too. It's the hormone that women produce to deaden the pain when they give child birth. It also causes the woman to forget the actual magnitude of the pain. If women did not have the ability to produce healthy amounts of oxytocin, there would never be a second child. No one would go though that pain again if they could actually remember it.

When a person is in love, the oxytocin not only binds them to their lover, it also helps them see the person through rose colored glasses. This is one of the main reasons why women who are in abusive relationships stay far too long.. because just like the oxytocin numbs the pain of child birth, it numbs the pain of abuse. Thus it works against the woman.

Children, especially girls, who grow up in abusive homes have been found to have an abnormal oxytocin production that often causes them to get into an abusive relationship because for them, abuse is a trigger for their body to produce oxytocin. So it's like they get drunk and do not see what is really going on with them.

Give all of this, your heart is not going to stop loving him until you get away from him any time soon because you still are around him.

You need to listen to our head. It's trying to protect you. Your head, needs to ignore your heart and do what it has to do to protect you. Once you end contact with him, it will take a few months for the oxytocin is get out of your system and our bond (love) to him to stop.

It's hard to leave when you are still in love. But it's a lot healthier mentally, emotionally and every other way in a circumstance like yours.

For one thing you have no idea how many women he's been having sex with. You have no idea how many men those women had sex with. You are at very high risk to catch an STD. Have you been tested yet? Are you still having sex with him? You have been playing Russian Roulette with your health.

In a situation like yours, waiting until you fall out of love is sentencing yourself to a lot of misery.


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

I did indeed tell myself that I eventually would just fall out of love with him as time passed by, however it does feel like a misery sentence. Hopefully, I get to move away from him sooner than later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Queene said:


> Pls elaborate sparrow . What exactly is a mistake?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Counseling. Spending another day on this relationship. Getting married to this guy.

Or maybe you can explore polyamorous relationships. become accepting that he will have a second lover. You too can have another bf if you choose to. Some couples do that. I mean, you know it too well that this won't be the last time you will catch him with her.

But if you expecting to be monogamous, you are setting up yourself for more pain and heartbreak. VARing his car is something you do when you suspect an affair a first time. This is no way to live or have a relationship. 

And at 32, your window to have kids is also getting smaller.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Queene said:


> Hello everyone.. I'm a newbie to this site and I would like to share a bit of my story here and hope to receive some advice and direction from this community.
> My fiancé and I have been together for almost 11 years. Very early in the relationship, he was unfaithful and cheated on me with another woman. He promised to change and we decided to work on our relationship. We then got engaged a couple years after that, and I discovered that he was having an affair with his co worker. He claimed that the affair was not physical and that they were both just needed attention. Again, I made the decision to sTay and work on our relationship. Three years following, I found out that he was still seeing the same woman and this time he admitted to the affair being physical off and on. He claimed it was only for sex. I also called off the wedding due to ongoing affair. Yes, again he promised to change and not engage in any relations with the other woman. Unfortunately, another three years has passed and I discovered that he was still involved with the other woman upon investigation. I found a "secret" phone In his car and read messages from the other woman professing her love for him. I then registered for teensafe and received all the necessary info. I spoke to her over the phone in his presence and they both confessed to the affair and claimed that they would end the affair and all ties. My fiance is now begging profusely for Another chance and I'm lost. I'm devastated by this and still very much In shock and I'm uncertain whether I should give it anotjer shot of reconciliation or just simply let it go and move on. Pls ppl, I'm still very emotional so don't he too hard on me. Thank you I'm advance for any advice or support offered. Btw, the other woman is married and I did not expose the affair to her husband for fear of the outcome. I've only told some of his family members and a couple of my friends. The other woman apologized to me, however she does not seem remorseful as I have added her on my WhatsApp messenger and she continues to throw subliminals via memes on her profile. Any further questions are welcomed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

Notice a pattern in the last few years ? Why should he stop when you take him back ?


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Queene said:


> I did indeed tell myself that I eventually would just fall out of love with him as time passed by, however it does feel like a misery sentence. Hopefully, I get to move away from him sooner than later.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Go no contact with him. The emotions will be there as long as you keep in contact with him


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

True sparrow. I agree that I have allowed this to continue by accepting it. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I try to make myself believe that this is his last stint and that he's really going to change this time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Now read your thread title: Fiance in 7 year affair

And if it weren't you who wrote it, what would your FIRST thought/instinct be?

Yeah, you know the answer. That length of a betrayal, it isn't even a question of what you should do. You're not married, you dodged a big bullet.

Get your shiat together, set yourself up for a new life that you always wanted - have a different job, live in a new place, travel - whatever it is within the means to do - do it, and WITHOUT him.

Life is way too damn short, you'll look back on this in a decade or two (and possibly 6mos when you are out there living your life) and think "wow, I should've done this years ago"

It really is a no brainer


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Queene,

Please if you had a daughter and she was in your situation what would you tell her to do? If you had a friend in this situation what would you tell her to do?

A seven year affair is not just an affair but an entire 2nd relationship.

Tamat


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Queene said:


> True sparrow. I agree that I have allowed this to continue by accepting it. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I try to make myself believe that this is his last stint and that he's really going to change this time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True nature of someone doesnt change

You already know what you need to do, waste no more time thinking about it

you have things to prepare to get on with YOUR life

and in some states you can get alimony/spousal support after 7 years, common-law married


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

The therapist did in fact state that it was not an affair but an entire second relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Couples counseling will accomplish nothing except to allow him to bullsh!t you and buy more time. What are you going to talk about? Ok, communication problems, things like that maybe, but what does couples counseling have to do with him fvcking another woman for your entire relationship? And even if he was finished why exactly would you want him after that? Let his h0 have him, she's not exactly getting a big prize.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Exactly! I'll let her have him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

I think you need ask yourself on why you let this go on for so long. 

I don't think this situation is redeemable. The only thing worth for introspection here is how you let it go on for as long as it did. Find out what it is so that you can be wary and avoid it in your next relationship.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Queene,

Lets think about this in reverse, dump his butt now while HE is still young enough to get someone else who will take him off of your hands!

Also dumping him will give you a better story to tell the improvement of a man after him you are going to meet. 

A POS like this guy may just be keeping you around as an old age insurance policy, like my POS brother in law who only stopped cheating when he lost his mobility, although he still controls all the money and my SIL has no idea. 

Tamat


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Thank you guys for the advice .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Queene said:


> The therapist did in fact state that it was not an affair but an entire second relationship.


I agree... in that if they see each other all the time on a regular basis, bit more than 'just an affair'.

I know someone who had an affair that lasted 9 years. But he did not see her very often over that time. Sometimes an entire year would go by. Usually it was months apart. 

What your fiancé is involved in is way more intense. You think of yourself as his primary relationship. It might not be so. He is cheating on her when he's with you.

Think of that.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> What your fiancé is involved in is way more intense. You think of yourself as his primary relationship. It might not be so. He is cheating on her when he's with you.


 Very insightful comment.


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

Insightful indeed. He claimed it was off and on though...but who knows...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Queene said:


> Insightful indeed. He claimed it was off and on though...but who knows...


One thing you can be sure of is that he is minimizing what ever happened.


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## Queene (Aug 26, 2015)

I believe so too. I often wonder if they were both making arrangements to be together in the future...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Queene said:


> I believe so too. I often wonder if they were both making arrangements to be together in the future...


Have you ever spoken to her about it? Just wondering


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

Queene said:


> Exactly! I'll let her have him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But she already has him and she has had him for 7 long years.

This guy cheated on you what twice?
And now he has a girlfriend of seven years.

Do you know if he wore protection with this other woman?


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

Queene said:


> True sparrow. I agree that I have allowed this to continue by accepting it. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I try to make myself believe that this is his last stint and that he's really going to change this time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He cheated for seven long years why would he change now?


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