# Would you tell a former friend he would get a paternity test?



## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Back story: My wife and I befriended a couple about 8 years ago and we became very close. We'd visit each other's houses regularly, go out on double dates, weekend trips, family trips, and two couples only vacations. We were close and very good friends. My wife met her and they became friends, then I met him. My wife and her were both pregnant at the time they met. The friend, let's call her Melly, was not married at the time. I was introduced to the man, let's call him Ron, at the wedding. My son and her daughter were born a month apart and that coupled with how well we got along made for a great family we could hang out with. They were financially on par with us and family matched up as well. 
They fought a lot. But they were just married and in their early thirties, we figured they'd need to adjust to living a married life after so long being single so my wife and I ignored their fighting. Ron told me once that a woman called saying that Melly was having an affair, and they had a huge fight just before we got to their house one night. Another time, Melly told my wife Ron had pics of other women on his phone and they had almost split up. So we knew they had major issues. Ron asked if I wanted to see naked pics of his wife, I said no, and he said come on we can swap pics of our wives and I got into a huge argument and nearly punched him for suggesting that. It blew over after a couple of months and he apologized. Melly told my wife that Ron and her are swingers and she was attracted to me and they'd like to maybe try swapping with us. My wife told her no, and we basically ended the friendship after about 6 years of having lots of fun, but then we could both recall inappropriate actions by both spouses toward us that we blew off at the time but now understood that they were hitting on us. 
They finally divorced. During the divorce Melly started calling my wife and told her that it was Ron who pressured her to ask us to swap. She apologized to my wife and I for the inappropriate flirting. My wife was guarded but talked to her on the phone regularly. Melly told my wife that she didn't know if their daughter was Ron's, and Ron did not know about her doubt. She told my wife about another man she was with at the time she met Ron, when she got pregnant she hoped it was Ron's because he had a great career and the other guy did not. She sent a pic to my wife of the other guy, he was a dead ringer for their daughter. The daughter looks exactly like the guy, nothing like Melly or Ron. Very distinct facial features, not to mention height. Their daughter was always taller then our son even though I am about 4 inches taller than Ron and the wives are the same height, never thought of it until we see the pic of this tall guy that looks exactly like Melly's daughter.
I haven't spoken to Ron in nearly two years. I don't even have his phone number but I know where he lives and I could find his phone number easy enough. If the daughter isn't his I'm sure it would ruin his world, he was a good dad from what I saw. I feel bad for the girl, Ron is her dad, and he's a good one at that. I do not care about Melly's feelings, if it turns out that it's not Ron's then it's her mess she's made. My wife says Ron should be tested, I say the same, but should I tell him? I thought about sending him an anonymous letter, just so I don't bring him back into my life.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

My advice is to leave well enough alone. You don't need their drama. Their transgressions are at their own making. Their kind of marriage can only end up in this kind of thing, divorce, questionable paternity, etc.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He deserves to know. 

A new and never to be used again email address mail.com or similar could be pressed into service to tell Ron the news.

Or Melly could be made to tell him. This would be for health reasons as the DNA of the daughter could be crucial should she need a kidney, etc.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I’d tell him.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Why is this coming up now instead of when you first heard about it? Personally, I'd leave it alone. It's not your business and if he and his wife are swingers have past histories of cheating then it's up to him to connect the dots.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

It came up because she had been calling my wife and told her about her doubts. My wife has since broke communication with her. The thing is we have mutual friends and now everyone's talking about it. My wife found this out earlier this year and now two of her friends have brought this up to her, seems like Melly has told more people. The wives are all talking, all but one have dropped Melly as a friend. The guys do not bring it up at all. To my wife and I It just seems wrong that all these people are talking about the daughter situation and the one guy who should know doesn't. If I tell him it will be anonymously, we do not want them back in our lives.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

If it was me I wouldn't say anything...That would be a bad can of worms to open up. I would leave that up to Melly....


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Ignorance is bliss.

But then again.

Truth should win out, but how does Ron handle the news? Does he sever all ties with his now "not really his daughter"? I guess that is his to decide.

I wouldnt care as much what it would do to these two piece of work adults as much as worrying if Im hurting a kid somehow.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

IMO, he needs to know. False paternity is probably about the worst thing you could do to a guy that is not already illegal.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

No, the innocent daughter's life would be tainted, through no fault of her own.
At least she got some 'height' out of the mothers 'low' life actions.

The birth mother is telling everyone...hoping that someone else tells Ron.
She is gutless and weak.

The husband asked you for pictures of your naked wife. For that he deserves......the negatives.
Nada, nil, not a damn thing!!


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Everyone deserves the truth


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

I'm sure Ron has his suspicions, and if he cared enough he would DNA the kid himself. He likely has raised the child so long he subconsciously doesn't want to know. I really don't understand how some women justify this type of behavior. "This guy makes more so I'll just assume it's his kid?" Unimaginably heartless...

A friend of my wife is white as the driven snow and her husband looks like Thor's skinny cousin, straight from Norway. Their kid looks Dominican, black hair, very curly, darker caramel skin (not black, but definitely darker, ethnic). And they post Christmas photos on Facebook and I'm like "does this guy not know? Not care? Or has he just deluded himself into thinking this kid is actually his?"


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Your wife needs to stop chatting with that woman. Keep that drama out of your wife.

Tell the dude.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I wonder why your wife associates with these people, but that is another discussion all together. 

There is only one good reason to not tell this man (and if you don't wish to get involved, you can do it anonymously). And that reason is you think he is below average intelligence (IQ<85), has poor genetics (cancer or degenerative diseases that will kill him in his 50's run through the family), and a general waste of a person. Therefore you think it is best for such a sub-standard human being to not be allowed to pass on such genes, because such genes would only weaken humanity, and you're hold a very Darwinistic person. 
Not saying that's you. Saying that if you held such viewpoint, that would explain it. 

Or you can rationalize it by saying "Oh, if the situations were reversed, I wouldn't want to know." 
To that, I would reply don't make a life-altering decision for someone else. People have the right to know the facts and make their own choices. 

And I could certainly list off all the reasons you should tell him, but I think the easiest thing to say is that it's the decent thing to do. The human thing to do. 


What happens should this child need blood and then the hospital finds out that her blood type is a mixture of bloods that can't be traced to her so-called 'parents?' Will that make the revelation any less awkward? 

Tell him the truth and let him decide what to do. Maybe he'll just decide to keep pandora's box closed, and never want to know. (though judging from the evidence, he'll probably figure it out on his own) MAybe he'll test, and divorce. Maybe he'll still divorce, but love the child. 
Who knows. 
But he should have the right to know everything, and make the decision for himself.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I'm sure Ron has his suspicions, and if he cared enough he would DNA the kid himself. He likely has raised the child so long he subconsciously doesn't want to know. I really don't understand how some women justify this type of behavior. "This guy makes more so I'll just assume it's his kid?" Unimaginably heartless...
> 
> A friend of my wife is white as the driven snow and her husband looks like Thor's skinny cousin, straight from Norway. Their kid looks Dominican, black hair, very curly, darker caramel skin (not black, but definitely darker, ethnic). And they post Christmas photos on Facebook and I'm like "does this guy not know? Not care? Or has he just deluded himself into thinking this kid is actually his?"


On this white wife.

Her husband may be infertile. They went to a sperm bank.

They read all the profiles on the donors.....they actually do have this data.

After days of deciding, they decided they wanted a basketball player.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JayDee7 said:


> Back story: My wife and I befriended a couple about 8 years ago and we became very close. We'd visit each other's houses regularly, go out on double dates, weekend trips, family trips, and two couples only vacations. We were close and very good friends. My wife met her and they became friends, then I met him. My wife and her were both pregnant at the time they met. The friend, let's call her Melly, was not married at the time. I was introduced to the man, let's call him Ron, at the wedding. My son and her daughter were born a month apart and that coupled with how well we got along made for a great family we could hang out with. They were financially on par with us and family matched up as well.
> They fought a lot. But they were just married and in their early thirties, we figured they'd need to adjust to living a married life after so long being single so my wife and I ignored their fighting. Ron told me once that a woman called saying that Melly was having an affair, and they had a huge fight just before we got to their house one night. Another time, Melly told my wife Ron had pics of other women on his phone and they had almost split up. So we knew they had major issues. Ron asked if I wanted to see naked pics of his wife, I said no, and he said come on we can swap pics of our wives and I got into a huge argument and nearly punched him for suggesting that. It blew over after a couple of months and he apologized. Melly told my wife that Ron and her are swingers and she was attracted to me and they'd like to maybe try swapping with us. My wife told her no, and we basically ended the friendship after about 6 years of having lots of fun, but then we could both recall inappropriate actions by both spouses toward us that we blew off at the time but now understood that they were hitting on us.
> They finally divorced. During the divorce Melly started calling my wife and told her that it was Ron who pressured her to ask us to swap. She apologized to my wife and I for the inappropriate flirting. My wife was guarded but talked to her on the phone regularly. Melly told my wife that she didn't know if their daughter was Ron's, and Ron did not know about her doubt. She told my wife about another man she was with at the time she met Ron, when she got pregnant she hoped it was Ron's because he had a great career and the other guy did not. She sent a pic to my wife of the other guy, he was a dead ringer for their daughter. The daughter looks exactly like the guy, nothing like Melly or Ron. Very distinct facial features, not to mention height. Their daughter was always taller then our son even though I am about 4 inches taller than Ron and the wives are the same height, never thought of it until we see the pic of this tall guy that looks exactly like Melly's daughter.
> I haven't spoken to Ron in nearly two years. I don't even have his phone number but I know where he lives and I could find his phone number easy enough. If the daughter isn't his I'm sure it would ruin his world, he was a good dad from what I saw. I feel bad for the girl, Ron is her dad, and he's a good one at that. I do not care about Melly's feelings, if it turns out that it's not Ron's then it's her mess she's made. My wife says Ron should be tested, I say the same, but should I tell him? I thought about sending him an anonymous letter, just so I don't bring him back into my life.


My advice is to stay away and tell your wife to stay away from people like that, they are contagious.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Thanks, my wife broke off contact with the woman. Thing is they have mutual friends but luckily most all of the friends have broke contact since this paternity thing was brought up. My wife is morally opposed to this woman's life choices, and I don't worry about my wife being influenced by her. She came back briefly when she was going through a divorce and started calling my wife who stopped contact when she learned of the daddy drama. 

I think I will send an anonymous letter, just something brief like "hate to say this but have a paternity test done"

I feel bad for the "could be dad" guy, what if it is his daughter and he's being robbed of a relationship with her. I'd want to know because I love my children. 

These people seemed very normal all those years, until they crossed lines with us. It's taught us to be careful with couples we befriend.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

JayDee,

If someone else is the dad, it can give the child more financial resources. Hopefully the mother or father has the sense to go after child support. 

This can be the difference between the child going to college or not.

Also it allows the child to eventually know the truth about their paternity and possibly to have a relationship with their biological family.

Tamat


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

A couple of old saying to consider:

"kill the messenger"
"the definition of assume is make an ass out of you and me"

If the guy is stupid enough to believe that allowing other men to bang his wife won't ever result in raising somebody elses bastard kid or that the kid looks likes his buddy may be significant, what good would it do to tell him. Besides, in many states and countries, the "father" listed on the birth certificate is the schmuck stuck with paying child support.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Laws are just catching up with paternity fraud. The daughter will find out on her own sooner or later. Or Step dad, or real dad. Today they always do. DNA, loose lips, whispers about looks, etc. So many ways to find out. 

Inform both dad's anonymously. The fraud is on the mom for stealing both father's paternal human rights. Mom will scream, feel betrayed etc. Who cares? She started the lies by not being upfront with 2 lovers. 

Bottom line, no matter how much it hurts in the long run everyone is better off knowing the truth. There is nothing new about this. It is a very old story. 

Again. inform


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