# Harder I try the worse its getting. HALP!



## Heartless (Feb 23, 2015)

I have been married to my wife for 5 years. I was an alcoholic for the first 3 years and drank often. Since then, I had been a "dry drunk" in her eyes. I had no idea that she was not happy in the relationship until mid last year.

Recently over the last 2 months my wife and I had a spat as she was saying mean things about me to her friends on facebook. Once I had confronted her an epic storm ensued and she had made it clear that she was tired of me, not in love with me, and may want to call it quits. We immediately began to see a counselor together, and we have been seeing him for the last three weeks.

A big part of this is my wife will avoid conflict. She has done this her entire life and has openly admitted in counseling its easier to sweep issues under a rug than deal with them. She says she doesn't trust me as far as she can throw me, so why would she want to open up to me?

She also has been stretching the truth to her friends painting me out to be a bad guy during all of this. She tells them that I am doing X, X, and Y, when in reality she had asked me to do X, X, and Y. She said she wants space, so I had stayed at a hotel for a week which apparently infuriated her more because it felt like I had just shut her out, and she didnt know if I was going to be back.

The other night after I had attempted to talk to her, she tells me she's had it, and she is tired of this and wants a divorce. She had yelled at me and said "Im tired of you. LEAVE." I responded no that I was not leaving. All the meanwhile I am not raising my voice, nor anything of the sort to try to keep things on an even note. She then attempts to call everyone in her family to let them know that I had "kicked" them out and they need a place to stay.

Talking with her later, I had told her that I still love her, and her daughter. She mentioned that since I am an "addict" I am not capable of loving, that I will always be an addict with traits. She seems to be focusing on this heavily, even if things have been going well the last two months. Apparently she feels that this current situation is just a charade and it will be back to old habits within a few weeks. She is also getting attention from her friends and everything that happens- when she sleeps too late, doesn't smile, is cranky, snaps at her daughter- all of this is being blamed because she's not happy and its putting more strain on the relationship in its already very fragile state.

I am lost. The harder I try, it seems the higher her guard goes. We have been out on dates which go great, and we have a lot of fun. But she has informed me that those are just "band-aids" I have been told not to leave the house, and she is going to be hesitant to leave the house since she has a 7 year old daughter and doesn't want to uproot her. 

I want to give her what she needs. I swore that I would love this woman unconditionally. I cannot control her emotions or her actions, and she is entitled to how she feels.

Can anyone give me some sort of guidance?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

What are her complaints? What is she saying you are addicted to?

What was your relationship like before this?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Look up the 180, I can't give you a link from this tablet. What have you done to make sure there is no one else in the picture?

Who is her child's father?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you were a drunk for 60% of your marriage? That's a big chunk.
Why does she feel that she can't trust you now?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Your not the father of the daughter? If not, do the 180. Give her what she wants. You are only in for 5 years, Learn from this experience. Your past drinking not withstanding, sounds like she is very controlling.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Tough situation you are in, 'am sorry.

I was in a similar situation except the son is mine (ours). Married 5 years also.

is the house yours?, do you pay for it?, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. Biggest mistake i ever did was this.

Your wife not being happy and you not knowing is a common problema in relationships, it happend to me and countless others. Rug sweeping and conflicto avoidance is one of the most common causes of D, it happend to me and countless others.

Find if there's a another man in the picture. from my experience and from what i have seen, seldom a woman leaves a M in such short time (5 years or less) without another person in her life (be it EA or PA) unless she's not mentally stable. Do your investigation.

Other posters will chime in later giving you advice on this later.

Some people in situations like your wife is will rewrite history and/or dig everything that you did wrong in the M and throw it back at you to justify their actions (happend to me).

Do the 180 like others have sugested, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.

And do your search to find where she's getting her strength to leave the M.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I smell a few "toxic friends" and possibly another man.
Something is calling her off the path.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> I smell a few "toxic friends" and possibly another man.
> Something is calling her off the path.


Unfourtunately looks like that.

Her calling you an addict while you have not touch a drink in two years is her way of justifying her act. Leavers/Cheaters do this, dig in the past to try to put more dirt on the person they want to leave/cheat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you give us some examples of your behavior during your drunk years that your wife is upset about? Without more information it's impossible to determine how justified she is in her feelings about you now.

Be very careful of the posts that are suggesting that she is cheating because they say that most women have a man in the wings in order to leave. It is just not true. Some do. Not most, not by a long shot.


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