# Mind in Overdrive/Obsessing



## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

So close (this Monday) to being able to file for divorce… I’ve been hanging in there for 15 months… not doing great, but getting by. Trying to put the past and the upcoming divorce totally behind me before I move forward. Once I made the decision that for my own sanity I had to move on from my 30-year relationship/marriage to my STBXH, I moved fast. It was unbearable to be around him as we readied our home to sell and his indifference was killing me. At the beginning my focus was on finding another place to live. My STBXH refused to take our dogs, so I couldn’t move in with family or friends for a while, nor could I rent a place. I made decisions on a new home based on what our 13-year-old lab could handle. Ended up moving out of the town I’d lived in for over 25 years, but not too far away that I can’t still see family and old friends. I spent the first couple months busy with home improvement projects….hiring contractors and taking on small projects I’d never done before.

There are so many things I would have done differently if I had slowed down a bit. Things I can’t change now, so I realize there is no point on dwelling on them. My old lab is gone now, so I suppose I could back to my old home town and closer to family, but it’s not realistic financially. I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster ride with my feelings and lately I find myself obsessing over my STBXH.

I did fairly well without my H for the first several months…trying to limit contact to issues related to our daughters and finances, determined that I could move forward without the guy I’d known since junior high and dated since our junior year in college. Up through the end of May I was still getting periodic “I miss you” and “I still love you” messages, which I did not respond to. Up until a little over one month ago, my H was texting me, telling me about his latest health woes, complaining about the stresses in his life. Not sure when my STBXH got back together with the OW, someone who my H invited into our marriage over 3 years ago. As soon as he found out I knew about the OW, all contact stopped. Haven’t heard a word from him. I suppose she had been making promises to him and I was his Plan B in case she didn’t follow through. She finally followed through and left her H a little over a month ago. And so my obsession began. Despite everything that happened in our marriage and everything that has happened in the past 3 years, there was still a part of me that hoped he’d figure things out and get some help, and return to me a mentally healthier and happier man.

I don’t know how to get past this and stop obsessing. Thoughts of the OW and what their relationship has done to my daughters and the OWs sons are always on my mind. In just a little over a month I have gone from determined to move on to someone who just can’t seem to take one step forward, and I know friends and family are tired of listening to me. I hear the same thing…your marriage was toxic, your STBXH made you miserable, you were so unhappy…you should be happy that it is almost over and he is out of your life. So, why don’t I feel happy? Why the obsession. I can't stand the thought that the two of them are starting a life together and might actually be happy when they have hurt so many people.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Every milestone in the process has some kind of emotional curveball and none of it is very good. Either sadness or anger or grief. we don't have much choice except to acknowledge it, put it into some kind of palatable perspective and suffer through it.

The tough part is getting to a point where you think you have some normalcy or balance and then wham! emotional sunami hits.

Keep battling 50, we are going to get through it,
Stretch


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Thanks, as always, Stretch. Trying to take it one day at a time.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

On a much less intense level but nonetheless annoying, I get a stupid "how are you doing" email after like 2 months of no contact.

Ruined my whole damn day. I wish that woman would go away to the cesspool where I found her.

It's infuriating,
Stretch


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

What's your story, Stretch? I looked previously and couldn't find any threads you had started. I do recall you saying in another post in another thread that you now have a great woman in your life. Good for you. 

Wondering myself if the STBXH will start with the annoying "How are you doing?" texts again one day.... I'm guessing the fogs too thick and he's dreaming of the great life he hopes to have with the OW for him to do it anytime in the near future.

Meeting with my lawyer Friday morning to work on divorce paperwork and discuss whether there's any hope of me trying to get the financial settlement I owe him reduced. Fingers crossed, but not optimistic.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I never really shared my story. I kind of found this site when I was several months into my experience.

My story is similar to most, my WAW told me she was not happy 4 days before our 22 anniversary (08/2012). I did not see it coming and was devastated. She left about a month later. Not sure if there was anyone else and to me it does not really matter. Read everything I could get my hands on to get her back bought into the 180, go dark strategy. I know myself and if we got back together it would just be for me to end it on my terms. 

I am kind of a different person now. Twenty pounds lighter, whitened my teeth, starting using cologne, grew my hair out trying to understand my unattractive personality traits and change them.

I met someone almost as soon as I started resocializing, the day I told my WS she should see other people ironically. I am pretty needy with dependency issues I am sure which made it easier for me to get involved with someone so quickly. I'm 48 (no kids by choice), she is 54, mother of two, grandmother of two. That's pretty messed up.

These days my feelings are mostly anger frosted with bitterness, which is part of the whole grief process. It's hard because I just want to move on and enjoy the rest of my life.

I miss the dog more than the WAS.

What else would you like to know?

I can tell you this optimistic piece of info, we come out of these horrible experiences as better people with amazingly desirable traits so start thinking about driving the men out there crazy.

I hope your days are better than the last several.

We are strong together,
Stretch


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I have to say this site is amazing. I cannot get enough of it. The experience that you can garner is so helpful to people that need so much comforting and support.

I have not seen anyone say it but how cool is it to see beautiful caring people that have been rocked to their very core go from "please help" to "I am here to help".

That puts a huge smile on my face because it is a turning point in my mind that that person is going to be ok.

I worry terribly about the people who disengage before they get to that point.

I hope you have a great night, I am going to try to have one


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I hope you get a good outcome from your negotiations.

I know it's hard because I am trying to minimize my inconvenience as well but maybe we can agree to not let ourselves get freaked out over money. Our family and what's left of our friends are infinitely more important.

Stretch


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Thanks for sharing, Stretch. Who is 54 – the new woman in your life or the WAW? Kind of confused by the “That’s pretty messed up” comment.

A week or two ago I felt like I wanted to start resocializing, so I started with an online dating site. Deleted my profile after about 3 days because of all the conflict with my emotions lately. Heard from an old friend last week, someone I had posted about on another thread. Someone I have had dinner and drinks with off and on for the past 6 months…nothing serious…lives up north, travels to this area on business once a month or so. Posted because I couldn’t understand why I suddenly stopped hearing from him. When he contacted me last week he said he still wants me in his life….still wants to keep in touch….just trying to wrap up his old life (separated about 16 months now). Anyway, I feel good about myself when I’m with him, so I think perhaps I am ready to start thinking about a new relationship…but who knows.

I hope you have a great night as well. Heading home to meet up with the dog trainer... someone I desperately need to help me get my dogs under control!!


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## Zomb (Aug 12, 2013)

Hi Onmyown, I know what you mean when you mention how long is leaving all this behind. I am in that process now. My opinion is (I might be wrong) that the only way to close this terrible chapter in our lives and finally leave our Xs behind, is starting a new and happy relationship. But this is problematic because I think is difficult to start a new relationship without closing that terrible chapter. Quite a vicious circle.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

GF 54.

WAS about to turn 50.

Just to putting out there for everyone to be confident that age is irrelevant when it comes to finding love again.


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

hi OnMyOwn. i'm really sorry to read your story. i can sympathize because i'm on my own too, at 56, and it's very frightening. there are also a few things you wrote that apply:



OnMyOwnat50 said:


> a part of me that hoped he’d figure things out and get some help, and return to me a mentally healthier and happier man.


this is exactly what i hoped and still hope, that my wife would see what she had done and realize that with work and honesty we could continue happily. in IC tho' one of the therapist's themes is that I can't accept that i'm dealing with profound characterological issues in my wife that can't be reached. i still haven't really accepted that she's blind to hr actions and their consequences.



OnMyOwnat50 said:


> I know friends and family are tired of listening to me. I hear the same thing…your marriage was toxic, your STBXH made you miserable, you were so unhappy…you should be happy that it is almost over and he is out of your life. So, why don’t I feel happy?


and i hear "you can do so much better," "what she did is unforgivable," "i salute you" (one friend actually said that to me, when i decided that out of a sense of personal dignity i can't reconcile, though way down in my heart of course i would reconcile), "just think about how unhappy you were" etc. but i'm not happy that it's ending at all, i'm in the lowest pit of misery of my life.

it may be the prospect of being alone, but i also think a marriage (and mine was shorter than yours, 7 years + 2 before) creates connections so deep that we're not even aware of them.

it looks like this is the thread for 50-somethings though, maybe we can all help get each other through it!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Hello all,

Just in case you thought these situations could not get any more complicated and emotionally taxing, have a read. Seems the "How are you doing?" email was more than that.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/129066-hope-divorce-busting-success-story-kind.html

TTYL,
Stretch


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Interesting, Stretch, that I came across your news this morning. I'm glad you are where you are in life and with your new relationship. I hope one day soon to have the strength that you have had.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to get out of this slump I'm in. I mentioned in my last post that I had a meeting come up with my lawyer to file the divorce papers and review my STBXH's response to the financial settlement offer. Well...had my meeting. Divorce papers filed, but STBXH still hadn't responded to the settlement offer. My lawyer said STBXH doesn't really have an incentive to respond because the longer he delays the more money he will get from my retirement plan. Also, when we split up, STBHX agreed he would continue contributing to paying our youngest D's car insurance and cell phone and would pay half of the expenses for our dog up until the divorce, well now that the OW is back in his life, he has stopped sending me the monthly check. Not that I need it to survive, but to me it's just another big "screw you" from him to me. Guess there is no reason for him to play nice now. 

I am OK financially. Make a decent salary. Great benefits. Quite a bit in retirement. But it irritates me to no end that as in a number of no-fault states, a spouse can go out and have affairs and then as a final parting gesture to the BS, the courts determine that what is fair and equitable is for the WH to get a share of the BS's retirement. Yeah, I know, it's only money, but now the money I worked hard for is going to help support his future with the OW. STBXH has a pension and his own retirement account -- why isn't that enough to satisfy him? 

Anyway, by law, STBXH has 30 days to respond to the divorce papers, but unless I give him exactly what he wants, the financial settlement will drag things on and I may lose when it gets in front of a judge anyway. STBXH has about another 11 months til the OW is divorced, so he isn't in a hurry, although my lawyer told me the courts won't let the divorce drag on that long. 

Sorry for babbling, just so torn up. Never in a million years did I think that the man I have been with for 30 years would do this to me, especially the man that told me when we split up that he would always love me and always want me in his life.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

We are all strong enough.

For everyone that has dealt with infidelity, you are the amazing ones. I cannot even imagine the strength and courage it would take to survive that but you do and it is impressive.

50, I seem to remember seeing people on TAM taking the approach of what's the number for the X to go away, pay it anyway they can and never look back. Just a thought.

It seems like a lot of the ladies here are starting to test the waters of dating and they seem pretty giddy. It's fun to see. I hope you get to the point where you can enjoy companionship again. Nothing heavy, just the excitement of a new person and all the pleasures that can go with it.

You are kickin' ass,
Stretch


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

A thought occurred to me about your retirement. I thought about doing this myself but I don't mind giving up the retirement portion of our settlement.

I was going to take the largest loan I could against my 401k, pay down my mortgage and tell her that she was liable for half of the 401k loan amount. That way when the house gets sold she will use the equity to pay my 401k reducing the total amount in cash she can get.

Accountants and lawyers are never smart enough to figure these things out. They can only tell you if something you want to do should not be done.

Best of luck in your new life 50. I cannot wait to hear the stories when he cheats on the posOW, cause you know he will.

Stay strong girlfriend,
Stretch


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Thanks, as always, Stretch. You have more faith in me than I do in myself these days. 

I mentioned in another thread that I do on occasion see an old ex when he is in town on business. It's been an on-again/off-again kind of thing depending on what's happening with his divorce and the other stresses in his life. I'm comfortable and happy with him when he is around, but as he lives several states away and is resisting relocating (his boss told him he needed to move down here to months ago to their headquarter's office), who knows where this relationship is going.

The day before my last visit to the lawyer, I signed up on Match.com, but you know, even though it's been nearly two weeks, I haven't responded to a single email, a single "like," or a single "wink." Just can't bring myself to do it, and feel like I'm not in the right place yet...


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

I don't know about your retirement plan, Stretch, but the rule with mine (and I assumed most others) is that you can't take a loan out without your spouse's approval...


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