# Please Help Me...



## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Okay, I am new to these forums and have been browsing them today to read about other marital problems that other marriages are experiencing. I did this to see if anyone has run into the same problems that I have in my marriage.

Just a little background for you so that you know how my wife and I got to where we are today. About a year before our marriage, my wife and I had gotten into a huge argument. She decided to break it off with me. I was still holding hope that we would get back together. She was down on her luck at the time and a single mom of two children. So, even after the break, I wanted to show her commitment and help her and her children out. This was my way of letting her know that I was still in love with her. One day I was over at her house and she had left a notebook open that looked like a letter. So, I waited until she left to run an errand and read the notebook. It was a letter to a guy she had slept with not too long after she had broken it off with me. If I recall, she slept with him the day after. This hurt me more than anything. I made it known to her that I read it and explained that I thought it might have been to me. This obviously infuriated her. Also, the guy she slept with was the brother of her best friend. I continued to snoop through notebooks laying around, while we were working things out. 

The next day after finding out that she slept with this guy, before she agreed to work things out, she was driving her children to daycare and her engine caught fire. She called me up at work to come and help her out. I was still very hurt and upset. I told her that she needed to call that other guy to come get her. She told me that he wasn't able to. I told her that it wasn't my problem. 

Later, while we were working things out, I found another letter to the guy she has slept with. I brogut it to her attention. Again, another argument. She told me that she planted the letter in hopes of catching me snooping.

Well, we worked things out and I thought I would be able to forgive and forget. We were married almost a year later. Our marriage started a little rocky, because she was still going over to her best friends house and I knew that her brother, the guy she slept with, was living there. This brought back old hurtful feelings in me and we argued about her going over there. I told her that I just knew she was going over there to see that guy. 
She assured me that she wasn't. I still wasn't convinced and asked her not to go over there without me anymore.

Well, after another year, she had gotten a job doing marketing for a local tax preparation office. She became friends with a single male from the other office in town, because they worked together in the marketing. Sometimes, they would kick-off work and go back to our house just to "hang out". Again, I started getting feelings that she was cheating on me. I told her about my suspicions and she got angry again about me not trusting her. 

Well, me and this guy became good friends and he really stopped being friends with my wife. She believes it's because I told him that I thought he was sleeping with her. I always speak my mind. He didn't take offense to it and was very cool about it. But, she feels that he didn't want to be friends with her any longer because of me telling him. I wasn't accusing him, I was just trying to get it off of my chest.

Her children were living with their father, and my wife wanted them to come and live with us more than anything. She was out of a job, and I was so far in debt that I ended up having to file bankruptcy. I had told her that we couldn't afford to take care of the children on what I was making and that their father wasn't having as tough a time as we were financially. She didn't care about our finances. She just wanted her children to live with her. She told me that they would be coming to live with us whether I liked it or not. I told her that it wasn't going to happen. We argued for a week over this. I told her that I didn't make enough money to support all four of us. Heck, I barely made enough money to support the two of us. She wasn't looking at things realistically. I told her that if she was going to bring them down to live, then I was leaving. I wasn't going to 
bring those children into a house that couldn't support them. She decided to leave and went to stay with her friend from the tax preparation office and his girlfriend.

Another few months later and she decided that she was going to do everything her way and that was the way it was going to be. During our argument, this time, she destroyed our DVD shelf out of anger. She has had a habit of destroying things when she is pissed off. I bided my time and waited until the next day when she left for work. I took all of my collectible items, boxed them up, and took them to my parents house for safe keeping. She has already proved that she is willing to destroy things. Also, she decided all on her own that her sister would be staying with us for the summer. This was another thing that 
caused the argument. Well, when she got home from work and found out that I had packed all of my collectibles, she called me to find out what was going on. I told her what I had done and why I had done it. I told her that I was fed-up with her thinking that she ran things in our house and I was through with her. I left our house with some things and went to stay with my parents. She called me the Sunday after and wanted me to come home and talk about everything. I agreed to. We talked and it seemed like we had worked things out again. 

After about another year, I noticed that she was using the computer/internet more than usual. I had known that we were having problems again. She had all of a sudden found a 
new found happiness when she hadn't been happy for awhile. So, I started snooping again and found that she was talking to a friend from high school. There were some questionable 
things in the e-mails back and forth between them. But, it didn't seem to cross the line. I installed a key logger/screen capture program on the computer and monitored their 
conversations. I later found out that the guy she was talking to was a former police officer that worked with my dad. He was advised to resign his position because he had cheated on his wife (big no-no for police code of conduct) and had ended in divorce. I was again having feelings that she was cheating on me. I told her this because she was being so secretive and her routines had changed.

I also found out that she had met with this guy at her moms house, just her, him and their kids, so they could swim in her moms pool. She told the kids not to say anything to me, because I would get angry. Later, while reading one of her emails, I seen that she was making plans to meet with this guy alone at her moms pool. I told her mom about it, and she said that my wife did not ask her, so she told my wife she could not come there. So, my wife sent an email to the guy offering to meet at the local lake instead of her moms pool. He had gotten an injury on the job and could not make it. 

I ended up talking to this guy, through email. I explained to him that my wife and I were having problems and that I would appreciate it if he would stay out of them. I told him that I feared he and she were having an affair. I asked him how he felt when he found out that his wife cheated on him. My wife was pissed when she found out that I had emailed him. I told her to do me a favor. She agreed. I asked her to ask him why he lost his job on the police force and see if he is honest about it. He wasn't and she told him that she knew he had to quit because of the infidelity or risk being fired. He stopped talking to her and then she got pissed off at me. I don't really understand why.

Well, she agreed to work things out based on us going to see a marriage counselor. We went to the marriage counselor for several months and it seemed like things were getting better. We had seen that our major issue was communication. She was going to these other guys to communicate her thoughts because she thought I didn't care. And, to her credit, the way that she presented them to me, I felt attacked and jumped on the defensive. So, she was right about me not caring. It seemed like she was making everything out to be my fault. The marriage counselor had seen an improvement with us and decided that we didn't need to come back. She later claimed that she didn't hear him say this, but we always attended the meetings together, there were never any separate meetings. So, feeling like we had what we needed to work things out, we went back to our live a little happier. Things had not been completely repaired, but we were willing to work at it. Or, so I thought. We were both told in the marriage counseling that we would still both make mistakes and we both have. We no longer argued all the time. But when we did, we both put up our defenses and hurt each other.

Now, here we are another year later and I just found out a few weeks ago that she took a day off from work and lied to me about it. I asked her when I got home that evening because some things were out of place. She still held to the fact that she didn't leave work early. I found out a couple of days later, from a mutual friend, that she was over at his house talking with his soon-to-be ex-wife. I confronted her with this and told her that she didn't have to lie to me about it. I wasn't going to be upset. She told me that she talked to her friend about the thoughts she had been having of leaving me. Her friend told her that the grass is not greener on the other side and that my wife needed to think long and hard before she made that decision. Her friend knew from personal experience because she left her husband and slept around. Now, she was sorry she had done it, because she realized that she still loved her husband a lot. And, she had messed things up. 

I started having feelings that she is cheating on me. I never came right out and confronted her about it. I just told her that something strange was going on. She has started using the computer more often than normal. She gets on it first thing in the morning, 5:00 am, and is on it most of the time that she is at home. I again, snooped through her computer and found that she had been browsing craigslist.org personals. She had replied to a few of them in our area, Los Angeles, and London. She had gotten an email from a guy in Los Angeles asking to trade photos. She sent hers to him and vice versa. We have talked about the problems. Heck, I didn't even know that she was having problems until this. This all came as a shock to me. She is also looking for jobs in Los Angeles and London. She did confirm that she had thoughts of leaving me once she graduated from college and got a decent job. This is in a couple of weeks. I asked her had she made any steps towards setting up a relationship with someone else. Of course she said no. Even though I know that's a lie, according to her email. 

She is also keeping a journal that I have read. She has written in there things like, "How do you tell someone you have been with for 9 years that you no longer love them". She also had entries that spoke of her wanting to move to London as soon as possible. She even has a plan for how and when to do it. And, she has a weird crush on a movie actor that she journaled about as well. She also said that I didn't understand that she wanted to feel the rush of new love again. She wants the "I can't wait to seem him again feelings." And she doesn't feel that she can ever feel those feelings for me again. 

She told me that she feels unloved and unwanted by me. So, I decided to start remedying the situation. I wrote her a long letter telling her why I loved her and wanted to stay married to her. She didn't respond. I took her out the other night to her favorite club and bought her a rose while we were there. I even started a "Love Notes" journal for her to read. She wrote, in her journal, that she thought the letter and the Love Notes journal were just pretty words on the page and nothing more.

I admit I haven't been the perfect husband and have done things wrong. Sometimes I can be controlling. I have really worked hard at not being this way. We have to talk to each 
other before we spend any significant amount of money. She decided not to long ago to spend about $300 on make-up and didn't tell me about it. I found out on the monthly statement from the bank and confronted her about it. She had gotten pissed at me. I told her that I wasn't upset about the money. I was upset that she had spent so much without talking to me first. She said she didn't because she knew I would say no. I really don't want to lose my wife. I am still very much in love with her. I just wish the feeling was mutual. I asked what made her fall in love with me. She told me that I used to be more fun and funnier. We have gone now from arguing to just talking with each other. I told her that our arguments never resolve anything. I told her that at least when we talk, we seem to get through to each other better. It doesn't seem like she wants me to get through to her. I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now. I don't know why she has closed her self off so much. She had a very rough childhood and I think that might play a part in it. She came from a very broken home. But, she doesn't want to admit that she has any issues. She says that all of our issues are my fault.

I talked to her yesterday and told her that I still feared she was going to leave me. She wanted to know why I thought that. She was trying to get me to confess to snooping in her 
journal and computer. I never plan to tell her about that. I know that I am wrong for reading her journal and snooping through her email. I told her that it was a gut feeling. Which, it was more of a combination of reading her journal and looking at that email exchange with the guy from London. She assured me that she was not planning to leave me. She also assured me that she wasn't talking to another guy. Both are lies and I know 
that. The only saving grace right now, is that I know she can't meet the guy, and she is still here with me. 

I tend to be an impatient person, so I want things to be right between us right now. I know this isn't possible. I can be a realist. I would just really like some advice on what I should do here. Divorce is not an option for me right now. Any help anyone can give would be very appreciated. When I start feeling down about our marriage. I tell her what is on my mind. Should I be doing this? Or, should we just work on her issues right now? Please help me. I don't want to lose her. I just fear that I might have already lost her.

FYI, we do not have any children together. Also, sorry for the length.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

WOW this is allot...

You can't trust her, she has killed you finacially...

I would have been gone a LONG time ago...


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> Okay, I am new to these forums and have been browsing them today to read about other marital problems that other marriages are experiencing. I did this to see if anyone has run into the same problems that I have in my marriage.
> 
> Just a little background for you so that you know how my wife and I got to where we are today. About a year before our marriage, my wife and I had gotten into a huge argument. She decided to break it off with me. I was still holding hope that we would get back together. She was down on her luck at the time and a single mom of two children. So, even after the break, I wanted to show her commitment and help her and her children out. This was my way of letting her know that I was still in love with her. One day I was over at her house and she had left a notebook open that looked like a letter. So, I waited until she left to run an errand and read the notebook. It was a letter to a guy she had slept with not too long after she had broken it off with me. If I recall, she slept with him the day after. This hurt me more than anything. I made it known to her that I read it and explained that I thought it might have been to me. This obviously infuriated her. Also, the guy she slept with was the brother of her best friend. I continued to snoop through notebooks laying around, while we were working things out.
> 
> ...


First things first! You need to ask her if she wants to work on this marriage or not. You can't be the only one working to try to fix things. Sit her down and ask her if she wants to be with you or not.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> First things first! You need to ask her if she wants to work on this marriage or not. You can't be the only one working to try to fix things. Sit her down and ask her if she wants to be with you or not.


I already asked her and she said that she wasn't sure. She said that we had tried different ways to work things out before and they didn't work. When I asked her if she had any other ideas, she said she couldn't think of any.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I already asked her and she said that she wasn't sure. She said that we had tried different ways to work things out before and they didn't work. When I asked her if she had any other ideas, she said she couldn't think of any.


Have you gone to see a licensed marriage counselor? She says she isn't sure because she doesn't want to keep doing the same things over and over again with the same result. What other things have you tried?


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Have you gone to see a licensed marriage counselor? She says she isn't sure because she doesn't want to keep doing the same things over and over again with the same result. What other things have you tried?


We went to see a licensed marriage counselor for about 6 months last year. The marriage counselor told us that Love is a decision. You decide to love the other person regardless of what they do. He also told us that during our arguments, which will happen from time to time, if one of us feels like it is getting too heated, then say that you want to take a break. I had the hardest time doing this. She would just continue to argue. We haven't really had a whole lot of arguments, so I wasn't able to put the advice to good use. Here recently, I've resolved myself to the fact that I am not going to argue at all. I will tell her exactly what is wrong in a calm voice. And, to her end I will respond in a calm voice to her. Like I said in the original post. 

This latest set of problems came out of nowhere to me. She never even let me know that she was having problems. She says that she feels unloved and unwanted and that I make her feel that way. I bring home flowers to her when she's had a bad day to brighten her up. She finally told me that she would like to get flowers on normal days too. She says that I don't do anything to show my love for her. So, I have written her a letter and am keeping a journal of love notes for her to read. I just want her to see that I am trying. She told me that, "Sure, you'll try for a month or so, then things will go back to the way they are now." I'm afraid that she has her mind made up.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> We went to see a licensed marriage counselor for about 6 months last year. The marriage counselor told us that Love is a decision. You decide to love the other person regardless of what they do. He also told us that during our arguments, which will happen from time to time, if one of us feels like it is getting too heated, then say that you want to take a break. I had the hardest time doing this. She would just continue to argue. We haven't really had a whole lot of arguments, so I wasn't able to put the advice to good use. Here recently, I've resolved myself to the fact that I am not going to argue at all. I will tell her exactly what is wrong in a calm voice. And, to her end I will respond in a calm voice to her. Like I said in the original post.
> 
> This latest set of problems came out of nowhere to me. She never even let me know that she was having problems. She says that she feels unloved and unwanted and that I make her feel that way. I bring home flowers to her when she's had a bad day to brighten her up. She finally told me that she would like to get flowers on normal days too. She says that I don't do anything to show my love for her. So, I have written her a letter and am keeping a journal of love notes for her to read. I just want her to see that I am trying. She told me that, "Sure, you'll try for a month or so, then things will go back to the way they are now." I'm afraid that she has her mind made up.


She is wanting you to prove to her that things are not going back to the way they were. Stay the course. Keep doing things out of love for her. Don't expect any changes overnight.

Patience is a virtue.. You need patience now.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> She is wanting you to prove to her that things are not going back to the way they were. Stay the course. Keep doing things out of love for her. Don't expect any changes overnight.
> 
> Patience is a virtue.. You need patience now.


Should I be worried that she has made contact with a man in Los Angeles through craigslist.org?

Oh, and thanks for your advice. Waiting is the hardest part for me, but I think my wife is worth it. I just wish she believed that too.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> Should I be worried that she has made contact with a man in Los Angeles through craigslist.org?
> 
> Oh, and thanks for your advice. Waiting is the hardest part for me, but I think my wife is worth it. I just wish she believed that too.


I would be worried that she made contacts with a man in LA, but honestly worrying won't change the outcome at all. She will do what she wants to do and you getting upset won't change it.


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## shredderwife (Nov 25, 2008)

Aside from love, did you ask why your wife always cheating on you? Is it to get your attention? Seems like she already told you that she want to separate/divorce because she did try many ways to work with you and it was not working out. Don't you think that you deserve a better person to spend your life with? Life is too short to fool around, don't let her to ruin your life.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I tend to be an impatient person, so I want things to be right between us right now. I know this isn't possible. I can be a realist. I would just really like some advice on what I should do here. Divorce is not an option for me right now. Any help anyone can give would be very appreciated. When I start feeling down about our marriage. I tell her what is on my mind. Should I be doing this? Or, should we just work on her issues right now? Please help me. I don't want to lose her. I just fear that I might have already lost her.


I think the biggest problem you will have going forward is trust. Since you've confirmed she's lied to you multiple times and you do not plan to reveal you know this and how, you will continue to feel the need to snoop on her and worry what she's up to. This will not be healthy for you or your marriage & each time you feel the need to question her (because you found something questionable) she will feel you are being controlling again.

From what you've said, it seems her mind is in the direction of moving on at this point, so I would back off of your issues right now and focus on her not feeling loved. This is pretty common and a tough spot to be in because she is likely to take any attempts you make now as a mad scramble or quick fix to keep her. Patience is so important right now, but you really need to be patient and not expect any results over night & really want to make the changes you make for yourself, to be a better (more attentive) man and husband.

Have you read the book 'The 5 Love Languages'? It touches on receiving love (how different people respond to love in different ways) and it might help you get a better understanding of what your wife is missing. 

She has given you some ideas...if she is corresponding online with other men, she is probably getting attention that she doesn't feel she's getting from you. Also, flowers 'just because' is really saying I want to feel loved all the time...this can mean anything from making her breakfast in the morning to planning date nights, etc. where over time she realizes you are doing these things for her because you love her and want her happy...not because you're desparate to save your marriage.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Did you ever ask her why she needs so much attention from other men? Is she scared of commitment or just lonely? What kind of things do you do as a couple?


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

shredderwife said:


> Aside from love, did you ask why your wife always cheating on you? Is it to get your attention? Seems like she already told you that she want to separate/divorce because she did try many ways to work with you and it was not working out. Don't you think that you deserve a better person to spend your life with? Life is too short to fool around, don't let her to ruin your life.


She has told me that she talks to these other guys because they are just willing to listen. I know that my problem is that, when I listen to her problems, I want to help her fix them. So I offer advice or a solution. She gets aggravated with me and tells me that she didn't ask for my help, she just wants me to listen. Then, other times, when she is telling me a problem, and I just listen, she gets aggravated because I didn't offer any advice or solution. How am I supposed to tell when she wants my help or not? 

My major problem, is that before we were married, and she broke it off, when she slept with her best friends brother, I felt betrayed and hurt that she could replace me in her bed that quickly. I still felt like she had cheated on me, she doesn't feel that way and never has because she says that we weren't together.

Since that time, I have never really had any hard evidence that she has slept with another man. She has had emotional affairs, which still hurt a bit for obvious reasons. But, I have never had any proof that she has had a sexual affair. It's just that I know emotional affairs lead to sexual affairs. I know that if she has a sexual affair, I would hate her.

If our relationship stays the way it is right now, we both deserve better. I just want to exhaust all possibilities.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> She has told me that she talks to these other guys because they are just willing to listen. I know that my problem is that, when I listen to her problems, I want to help her fix them. So I offer advice or a solution. She gets aggravated with me and tells me that she didn't ask for my help, she just wants me to listen. Then, other times, when she is telling me a problem, and I just listen, she gets aggravated because I didn't offer any advice or solution. How am I supposed to tell when she wants my help or not?


My husband and I are both 'fixers' but we usually only want to 'vent' when we bring something up. On the other hand, we are both in the same field so sometimes we like to bounce problems off of each other. I've actually started saying 'I don't need you to do anything, I'm just frustrated...' and then start talking. From the other angle, when she tells you something you could also respond by saying 'Wow, that sucks...what are you thinking of doing?' and she will either tell you, meaning she's got it handled but needs to vent and know you care....or she will say 'I have no idea'...which is an opening to suggest an idea.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

swedish said:


> Have you read the book 'The 5 Love Languages'? It touches on receiving love (how different people respond to love in different ways) and it might help you get a better understanding of what your wife is missing.


I've read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. She has also. We talked about what we thought each others Love Language was. I told her that my primary was Physical Touch and that my secondary was Words of Affirmation. She told me that hers was "Quality Time". When I told her mine was Physical Touch, she laughed and told me that she knew I would say that because I only cared about sex. That isn't true and it hurt a lot to hear her say that. I even told her this, but she didn't believe me. I was put off by her comments. When I would ask her about what she saw as quality time, she told me that she shouldn't have to tell me after being together for 9 years. She also told me that if she had to tell me what they were, when I did them they wouldn't hold the same meaning. So, I just had to wing it and I obviously didn't and haven't done the right things. This all happened about a year ago.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

swedish said:


> My husband and I are both 'fixers' but we usually only want to 'vent' when we bring something up. On the other hand, we are both in the same field so sometimes we like to bounce problems off of each other. I've actually started saying 'I don't need you to do anything, I'm just frustrated...' and then start talking. From the other angle, when she tells you something you could also respond by saying 'Wow, that sucks...what are you thinking of doing?' and she will either tell you, meaning she's got it handled but needs to vent and know you care....or she will say 'I have no idea'...which is an opening to suggest an idea.


Thanks for the advice. I guess I just need to be more attentive to her words and pick up on subtle hints. I'm not always the quickest to catch on. I always thought my wife was so much different than other women, but after reading a bit on these forums, it seems that she is really no different than other woman out there.

She made a comment this morning that if it appears that her needs change. It's because she changes herself to suit me and make me happy. I told her that I never wanted or asked her to do that. I also told her that we are going to have differences, but that isn't a reason to change who we are. She says that she has changed so much that she doesn't like the person she's become. I'm ashamed that I made her feel that she had to do that to make me happy.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

9 years doesn't make you a qualified mind-reader...if it did, she would know that physical touch is more about feeling loved, desired and a close bond with her than sex.

It sounds like she doesn't want you directly reacting to every issue she brings up but rather a change in how you interact all of the time...she wants to feel that making her feel happy and loved is your priority because you want to do it...she wants to feel special and that you are attracted to her because of the person she is.


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