# Advice on emails from my wife.



## skreut74

My wife of 8 years and I have been separated for a few months now. She is staying with her mother who is undergoing treatment for cancer and I m still currently at our marital home. Last Monday my wife came by to get some more of her clothes..and even though I wanted to plead with her to work on things, I decided to just play it cool and not bring up the relationship. She emailed me last Wednesday asking how I was...I replied, but never got a response. I started reading and watching videos about the No Contact rule..and decided to give it a try. Throughout the rest of last week I did not hear a thing from my wife..no calls, texts, emails, etc. During this time I did not try and contact her..even though it was killing me..I stayed strong.

Yesterday morning I received and email from her (after almost a week of no contact) simply saying "How are you? I am dying my kidney stone hurts so bad[" (apparently she developed a kidney stone a week or so ago). Of course part of me was super happy she reached out..but another part of me was wondering why she reached out. Going with some advice i saw in a video I did not reply right away..in fact I waited 12 hours and responded to her after 10pm when I knew she would be asleep. I simply replied "I am doing decently. sorry you are having problems with your kidney stone".

This morning I wake up to my phone email alert...she emailed me again. This email said “How is your foot? Been up to anything fun?" (I have chronic gout in my foot and back problems). I responded by saying “Foot has good days and bad days. Been going swimming, to the piano bar, and the lake”. This is the first sign of interest she has shown in a good while..but still I am skeptical of her intentions. Not really expecting a reply I went on with my day.

About 2 hours later I get another email. I went a whole week with no word from her to all of a sudden 3 emails within 24 hours?? Her email said “Very good. I have been taking care of Mom, fighting a tooth ache, an ulcer, and the kidney stone. I am miserable. Glad you are getting out and having fun”. Again I wanted to keep it short and sweet and simply replied “Sorry you are having all those issues. I don't like to see you in pain.”...and again went on with my day.

As I am writing this..i get another email from her asking “Did you ever find out about your disability stuff?” (due to foot and back problems I am going through the steps for disability). As of yet I have not responded to this last email.

So I went from not hearing anything to 4 emails...so far in one day. I do not want to get too excited or read too much into this at the moment...but I am looking for advice how to proceed. She is still using email as a form or communication...no texts or calls as of yet. I DO want to get things worked out with her...but right now I am confused about her intentions. Part of me wants to just flat out ask “Are you trying to get back together with me or are you just being nice??”.

Any advise on how to gauge this sudden burst of communication would be great or how next I should proceed.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Tell her you are interested in fixing your marriage, not being pen pals. If she does not want to fix the marriage and only wants to be penpals - friend zoning you in effect what do you think of that? Is that what you want your marriage to be?


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## thedope

Ask her if she'd like to go get coffee or something. Or go to the lake or whatever it is you do anyway. You can talk to her then.


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## EleGirl

Your wife is taking care of Mom, fighting a tooth ache, an ulcer, and the kidney stone. She's had a bad week.

And your concern is that she has not contacted you. But you did not contact her either. Is there some rule that she has to be the one to make initial contact? My bet is that each of you was waiting for the other to make the first move. She finally decided to do it.

Why are the two of you separated? What happened?


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## Satya

NC means NC. I think you're confusing it with semi - contact. 

Do you want to get back together or not? Are you done with childish games or not? Because that's what this email tennis is... Childish. Either communicate like adults or let it go. 

She's reaching out because she's bored and lonely. Women are natural communicators. Every time you reply she knows she has your attention. The moment you start giving it more I bet she'll go back to radio silence again. 

Fun fact: if she wanted to be with you she would be. She chose to separate and focus on her mom. It must be stressful. Using you as an emotional gauze pad requires much less effort than actually moving back in.


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## vauxhall101

I pretty much agree with what others have said. It sounds like she's having a very rough time, and she is using you as a "security blanket", and I don't think that is so terrible. As for why the flurry of emails all of a sudden, I think we all have this response naturally when someone is important to us - "why aren't they contacting me? What are they doing? What does it mean?" etc. When it's the other way around, we don't question it - I can't email them no matter how much I might want to, I'm so busy with work, kids, whatever it may be. Then when we do get a minute, we contact them, never realising that they were sitting by the phone, waiting. 

The fact is, often, that it means very little. Her mum is sick, she sounds very busy, and stressed. You seem like a good guy, and I think your responses have been right - don't pressure her, just be polite. Let her come to you, if she wants to, and see what she has to say.


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## farsidejunky

How long will are you willing to allow separation?


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## aine

I agree with Satya on this, she wants to be in control, so reaches out when your appear to be getting on fine without her. She wanted the separation, so give it to her, that includes no contact. If she contacts you, ignore it, unless it is life or death. 
You have to decide on a time line for ending the separation and divorcing her. This was forced on you and your wife wants to stay in control, you have to take back your control. Think about what it is you want, do you want to hang on indefinitely for a woman who treats you as if you are dispensible? I wouldn't think so. 
Set the timeline, tell your wife, 3 more months of this, I am done. If you intend to fix the marriage, I will be available that long after that I file for divorce. If you do decided to fix our marriage, you have to show me you want to by signing up for MC etc.
You are crazy to put up with this.


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## SunCMars

When she communicates with you she prefaces it with her aches and pains.

She is letting you know she is hurting to gain your sympathy. To re-kindle your interest.

This is submissive fishing on her part. Catching you and reeling you back in by using subterfuge.

When my wife gets snippy and nasty, she later slathers her aches and pains on my ship sandwich. 

Using these "ailments" as an excuse for improper behavior. 

Truth be told....the old women doth ache, is tired and cranky.

Requires patience on my part. 

Your wife sounds depressed...the air let out of her.....slumped flat in her Mamma's not-so-easy chair.


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## Andy1001

You don't say what age you and your wife are but this sounds like the behaviour of two teenagers in high school.Can't you just be the adult in this sorry saga and go over to see your wife and decide one way or the other what's happening with your marriage.You could show her that you still want to be married instead of leaving everything up in the air.
You haven't mentioned why you separated so maybe you have your own reasons for acting like you do but if you can't be upfront on an anonymous Internet forum then how do you expect people to advise you from their own experience.
Your wife is looking after her sick mother and she has some health problems of her own.Maybe a little sympathy instead of playing the victim could be in order.
Just a suggestion.


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## aine

Andy1001 said:


> You don't say what age you and your wife are but this sounds like the behaviour of two teenagers in high school.Can't you just be the adult in this sorry saga and go over to see your wife and decide one way or the other what's happening with your marriage.You could show her that you still want to be married instead of leaving everything up in the air.
> You haven't mentioned why you separated so maybe you have your own reasons for acting like you do but if you can't be upfront on an anonymous Internet forum then how do you expect people to advise you from their own experience.
> Your wife is looking after her sick mother and she has some health problems of her own.Maybe a little sympathy instead of playing the victim could be in order.
> Just a suggestion.


Look up Missing my Wife, bestfriend thread, it is all there. I think there was an OM in the picture, OP didn't really act decisively on this, he is just waiting imo.


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