# Somethings gonna give soon...



## amIcrazy (Aug 22, 2010)

Years ago....we had problems and I posted on the forum. Had some good conversations with folks about what was going on...but more importantly I got stuff off my chest. Thought I'd try it again....I wrote this for her, but I haven't delivered it yet. ...To be honest I don't know what I'm looking for here....



We struggle. Again.

I feel guilty. I feel like I am holding you back from the love you desire. I’m a good catch and you are an awesome catch. But I don’t think we are good for one another.

Actually, I think we get in the way of being good for one another. 

I ask of you things that don’t go with who you are. Turning a blind eye, let me do whatever I want, blind trust in me.

You ask of me things that don’t go with who I am. Be fiscally responsible, be grateful, stay at home, “sit still”, be responsible. 

Your list of things actually sounds sane and stable for a relationship. Mine sound … odd and not good for a stable relationship. Points to the fact that I’m not the type of guy to be in a committed relationship. 

So I feel guilty, I want to NOT want to do things…but I do. Every day something triggers those feelings and for 10 seconds I RAIL, I PLOT and I SCHEME. Cause I just wanna do what the **** I wanna do. Then I calm down and I find “my place”…where I’m “supposed” to be mentally, and it’s all good. Till that feeling comes again. 

Sometimes it’s once a day, sometimes it once an hour, but it comes…all the damn time, it rolls through my head.

So, here I sit in a 16 year relationship, realizing that I am just not cut out for this. AND to top it all off, in my selfishness, I refuse to verbally acknowledge this to you for fear of losing you. Because on top of all those other things, I just want you to be mine. To know that I can come home to you. To know that at the end of the day you come home to me. 

So I feel guilty. Cause I’m holding on to you without fully committing to you. I can’t give my all to you, because what you ask of me is impossible for me to give.

I’d tell you…Let me have these things, let me fly free, just let me be me in all my glory. And I promise, I swear, I will shower you with love, affection and gifts to fill your heart to bursting. You’d never need worry about my affections going to someone else. My heart will be yours!

And if I begged and wheedled hard enough you would try. You would try to ignore the things that bother you. But at the end of the day, just like me…you’d experience those 10 seconds of insanity over my actions….again and again and again. Till we find ourselves back in the same spot.


I know this love and happiness exists because I had it…I knew what that felt like…and the truth **** all over it and know I’m left with this mess. Mind you, its of my own making, but it’s still a mess.

I’m not sure but I think over-all the last 3 years have been the happiest I’ve ever seen you. Overall, I know we had rough spots, but you seemed happy. Except when I opened my mouth and talked too much. 

You know, if we were a new couple…2 years in… and we talked about joining accounts and other expectations, I’d tell you flat out…that won’t work for me. And I’d make it quite plain that it wasn’t really a thing to negotiate. I give you a 5% chance of staying and hearing me out. I’d give myself LESS than 5% chance of you talking me into your way of seeing things.

All that being said. I owe you….I owe you big time. I should have come to this conclusion 12 years ago and since I didn’t I have now taken your most beautiful years from you. I owe you. 

So I will stay as long as I can handle it. As long as I can stay sane. I will deal. I still have you to come home to you, you still come home to me. The rest I’ll just have to work through. Maybe with time the feelings will become mute and 10 seconds of rage will go to 5, will go to 1 second until it just doesn’t happen.


My big question is, do I tell you all this. It seems to me that if I decide to stay….and you will have me…these words will forever haunt you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Your name says it all.

Answering the question.

Yes, yes you are crazy.

Sounds like you consider yourself too old to start over.


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## LeoLady12 (Feb 19, 2015)

Since you gave me your opinion on my post, I figured I'd share my opinion on your post...

What do you mean "turn a blind eye" & "let you do whatever you want"? Do you want to have your cake and eat it too? Do you want to be with other women, but yet still be able to go home to your wife?

Have you tried counseling? Maybe you should do that and they can help sort out your feelings. I finally made the big step and made an appointment to see a therapist. I've been suffering in silence for way too long, and I need help. Maybe counseling can help you.


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## amIcrazy (Aug 22, 2010)

Weightlifter - actually "amICrazy" comes from some issues we had 3 or 4 years ago....we are past that...I'm definitly not crazy.

We're not to old to start over, I'm 37, she's 39. But like I said I do feel guilty for not coming to this realization earlier in life. I do feel like we are at a tipping point....I don't want to go into my 40's starting over....and I'm sure she don't either.

But who ever really wants to "start over".

I just want to make good choices that let the REST of my life be better than what I've lived so far.

Makani - We tried counseling...4 times...it works for a while...but when the root issue for our differences is so fundamental that I don't see us changing. It's just a case of who wants to "suck it up" first.

I've never been unfaithful to my wife and I don't have plans to. I'm pretty controlling about my sexual urges so that's not an issue.

HOWEVER, I am a flirt and constantly can find myself in awkward situations. Lunches alone with female co-workers...the only dude in a crowd of women. Gifts and odd gestures from pretty girls...that sort of thing.

She is no more jealous then the average woman...but to me any external sign of jealousy is a challenge to the faithfulness that is my reality.

So, it boils down to trust. Again, she doesn't trust me, so she's screwed the leash tight, and found a new collar. 

I been wearing it, cause I felt it would help the relationship.

But the ****'s getting tight and uncomfortable...you know.

What's a dude to do....


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Is your W a flirt? Does she have lunches with men and get gifts from them?

If not, how would you feel if she did?

If so, does she see the inequity?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Wow. If I weren't for the ages, I would think you were my X husband. 

And you know what...don't stay because you owe her. That's BS. And not fair. If you can't be the man she deserves let her go. She's going to hate you. For a while. For a very long while. And she'll be right to hate you. And you are going to have to deal with that. But from what you describe she's an amazing woman who deserves to have man want to meet her need. You are keeping her from finding that. 

Eventually you are going to leave her, or something is going that ruins her relationship. Let her go while it's not too late. Don't waste a second more of her time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are probably women who can deal with having a husband who's a flirt and finds himself constantly in awkward situations but she isn't one. If you can't be what she needs then let her go so she can find someone who is.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

BlueWoman said:


> Wow. If I weren't for the ages, I would think you were my X husband.
> 
> And you know what...don't stay because you owe her. That's BS. And not fair. If you can't be the man she deserves let her go. She's going to hate you. For a while. For a very long while. And she'll be right to hate you. And you are going to have to deal with that. But from what you describe she's an amazing woman who deserves to have man want to meet her need. You are keeping her from finding that.
> 
> Eventually you are going to leave her, or something is going that ruins her relationship. Let her go while it's not too late. Don't waste a second more of her time.


:iagree::smthumbup:

It sounds so, ILYBNILWY...

~sammy


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

dp


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Let your W go.

You are right in your post.

You are far too selfish to be in a committed relationship.

So stop wasting her life scheming up ways to get her to turn a blind eye and give you hall passes to enjoy your cake eating desires for a single lifestyle, while she dutifully waits at home til you want to 'shower' her with love again. 

The other posters are right...one day one of these 'awkward' situations is going to blow up your M and her life anyway...and you will probably leave because you have finally found the 'soulmate' who truly gets your personality and you are so in looove.

Spare her the pain...set her free now and go live the lifestyle you want.


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## amIcrazy (Aug 22, 2010)

Sounds like in general people think I am wasting her time. We've got a lot invested though. We both have stable jobs. We got two kids, a house a car, joint investments. Things will get messy.

For all that and cause I owe her, I try ...

She brought me "The Five Languages of Love" book, I read it a few years ago, but I read it again but this time with a more open mind.

You know there is something called the ugly truth. It hides in the dark places of the your conversations, and every now and again your words will shine a light on it. You know its happened, cause you get that awkward silent moment in the conversation.

Reading that book was like shining a beacon on the ugly son of a bitc* and then noticing it had babies. Ugly ones.
...

Her language of love is Quality Time and Acts of Service. However, I'm a loner and I hate doing anything I don't have to.

Mine is Touch (not sex) and Words of Affection. However, She doesn't like any sort of PDA and can be a bit blunt. 

We're just complete opposites...like usual.

So the week continues, I run into this fella that really impressed me. Owns his own business, has a good head on him, seems to know what he's talking about. So I ask him....what's some advice you'd give your younger self.

"Leave my starter wife earlier" 

Aint that some sh*t....and he don't even know I got problems! 

...Week continues, we are trying this love meter thing...u place a marker on a meter (1 to 10) on how much in love you feel. It was my idea, I thought it might be good. 

3 days in, she says she doesn't want to do it cause she thinks I'm using it to manipulate her.

I wasn't....I was trying to be honest...but yet again...the truth takes another chunk outta my ass and leaves me holding the bag of sh*t.

Sorry yall....but I just had to get some of it off my chest.

I'm trying to make this thing work. But man....the road is not smooth.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

amIcrazy said:


> I'm trying to make this thing work. But man....the road is not smooth.


Are you sure about that? A lot of what you're saying sounds like what I used to tell myself to justify my behavior...




amIcrazy said:


> ...I just want to make good choices that let the REST of my life be better than what I've lived so far.


"I and me"...No "we"...Plans for the rest of "our" lives maybe? 



amIcrazy said:


> I've never been unfaithful to my wife and I don't have plans to. I'm pretty controlling about my sexual urges so that's not an issue.


 Yeah...Been there, done that...Never works. Wait 'til you run into a woman that comes on to you really hard and tell me that.



amIcrazy said:


> HOWEVER, I am a flirt and constantly can find myself in awkward situations. Lunches alone with female co-workers...the only dude in a crowd of women. Gifts and odd gestures from pretty girls...that sort of thing.


 If you're serious about making things work, take a bit of advice from someone who has been there...ditch the girls, decline the gifts, stay the hell away from women other than your wife.



amIcrazy said:


> So, it boils down to trust. Again, she doesn't trust me, so she's screwed the leash tight, and found a new collar.
> 
> I been wearing it, cause I felt it would help the relationship.
> 
> ...


 It you're serious about making it work, get used to it....and stop flirting with women. Just my .02 my friend.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MountainRunner said:


> Are you sure about that? A lot of what you're saying sounds like what I used to tell myself to justify my behavior...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Absolutely agree with Mountain Runner, you cannot have your cake and eat it. As for the man who told you to 'dump the starter wife' that says a lot about that man's character. The starter wife was probably the one who made all the bloo** sacrifices to help him get where he is with his business and all, and then when he has used her up dump her for a younger model? Great advice (not). What is wrong with these entitled men, honestly i am not a vicious person, but men like that deserve to suffer for a long time. In fact i sense a little bit of entitlement going on with you too. Have you stopped to think why you wife is the way she is or is all about you and what you want? Actually I am in the position I am in because I didn't screw the leash tight enough when my husband started disrespecting me, now 20 odd years later, it is the new norm in our relationship and has created one hell of a mess. You flirting with other women and getting into compromising situations is not cool and way too disrespectful to your wife. If your wife did the same to you would you be cool with that?, no , I didn't think so. Man up and grow a pair for goodness [email protected]!


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