# Was I Out of Line?



## MayNeedAdvice22 (10 mo ago)

I told my 9 yo who was being loud and rude at dinner to “stop being obnoxious”. I was promptly scolded by my wife who sternly told me never to use word again. My kids picked up on it and responded. I wasn’t trying to be rude or mean, I just wanted it to stop and I explained that to him. Was I out of line or was my wife reprimanding me in front of the kids more harmful to the children?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

MayNeedAdvice22 said:


> I told my 9 yo who was being loud and rude at dinner to “stop being obnoxious”. I was promptly scolded by my wife who sternly told me never to use word again. My kids picked up on it and responded. I wasn’t trying to be rude or mean, I just wanted it to stop and I explained that to him. Was I out of line or was my wife reprimanding me in front of the kids more harmful to the children?


What was the most harmful to your kids was seeing their mother reprimand their father needlessly, and him taking it.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

manwithnoname said:


> What was the most harmful to your kids was seeing their mother reprimand their father needlessly, and him taking it.


Agree. Parents need to be unified in front of the kids, even if one steps over a line of the other parent. Fight it out in the bedroom later if need be.

And Dad needs to be strong.
I am a product of a Dad who wasn’t. YEARS of …nevermind, this is not about me.

Fix this for your kids.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Parents need to be unified in front of the kids


Less than the father having authority over women, it needs to be that parents should be united. We have stopped and left the room in the middle of reprimanding our son when one or the other of us thought the other one crossed a line. It's not about one person being the boss, it's about parenting together. Kids are not only learning discipline, they're learning how men and women should interact and if one person is openly disrespectful to the other in front of them it does damage.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Sounds like you have your balls in your wife's purse. You need to man up and take charge in life.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I can think of two occasions when my wife has scolded me. It resulted in an immediate conversation where I told her that she is not my mother and I will not tolerate that from her because it is disrespectful and I won't tolerate disrespect. She hasn't done it since. You need to have an immediate and frank discussion with your wife about this and do not do it in front of the child.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

There is nothing wrong with the word obnoxious and its actually important to teach a 9 year old both the word and pointing out their behavior that is, 
indeed, obnoxious. 

Your wife was so out of line. 

What's she like in other aspects of life?

Now, she has taught them that you are like just another child she has power over.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Not only does this warrant a very serious discussion with your wife, I would also demand an apology from her in front of the kids where she admits she was very disrespectful to dad and it won’t happen again.


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## MayNeedAdvice22 (10 mo ago)

gr8ful1 said:


> Not only does this warrant a very serious discussion with your wife, I would also demand an apology from her in front of the kids where she admits she was very disrespectful to dad and it won’t happen again.


That occurred afterwards and she claimed that she simply told me and did not scold me. The words and tone she used certainly contradict that. My son even asked why she snapped at me and her reply was “I didn’t snap”


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your wife was wrong.

Hell, I’d start looking for reasons to use the word.

“This sandwich is obnoxious.”

“This new shirt is obnoxious.”

“This weather is obnoxious.”


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

I think it’s pretty uncool to call your child obnoxious. I wonder if your wife was triggered by that in someway, like her father always made her feel like she was just an annoyance to him. I don’t know. 

Regardless, what she did wasn’t right. Any disagreements you have should be addressed outside the presence of the child.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Skookaroo said:


> I think it’s pretty uncool to call your child obnoxious


So if your kid is acting in an obnoxious way, it’s “uncool” to call them out on that? Sounds like someone worships at the altar of self-esteem….


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You weren’t out of line but your wife was.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MayNeedAdvice22 said:


> I told my 9 yo who was being loud and rude at dinner to “stop being obnoxious”. I was promptly scolded by my wife who sternly told me never to use word again. My kids picked up on it and responded. I wasn’t trying to be rude or mean, I just wanted it to stop and I explained that to him. Was I out of line or was my wife reprimanding me in front of the kids more harmful to the children?


I am a big fan of Dr. David Schnarch. His view is that marriage, if done correctly is the hardest thing two people can do. Another thought of Schnarch is that there is no right or wrong in marriage, it should all be negotiated. There is no right amount of children, nor a wrong number. There is no right menu for dinner, nor wrong. There is also no one right parenting style. 

I would suggest that you let go of trying to figure out if she was right or wrong in what she did. Instead forgive her, put it behind you and talk to her about how the two of you can better handle this kind of thing in the future. If this caused problems at age 9, just wait until you have a rebellious teenager pushing your collective buttons.

Again, rather than figuring out right or wrong, figure out how you can both be comfortable with handling such outbursts in the future.

Good luck.


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## MayNeedAdvice22 (10 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> Again, rather than figuring out right or wrong, figure out how you can both be comfortable with handling such outbursts in the future.


That’s great in theory, but we can‘t seem to get on the same page. She refuses to talk because she claims it‘ll just turn into a fight. Meanwhile I’m walking on eggshells waiting for the next bomb to drop. Taken by surprise almost each time not knowing what I did or say was wrong. We have different parenting styles and she doesn't like my approach.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

MayNeedAdvice22 said:


> That’s great in theory, but we can‘t seem to get on the same page. She refuses to talk because she claims it‘ll just turn into a fight. Meanwhile I’m walking on eggshells waiting for the next bomb to drop. Taken by surprise almost each time not knowing what I did or say was wrong. We have different parenting styles and she doesn't like my approach.


She’s bullying you. No one bullies someone they love. Call her on her bullying, fight or not. You’re not an extra in the movie of her life. Marriage is about teamwork and she’s being a brat.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You two need to go to parenting classes or counseling together so you get on the same page. I think she was ridiculous. How are they going to know if someone doesn't tell them? It's called training, and everyone should try it. But yeah, instead of fighting about it, make an appt. for parenting classes so you two can learn what to do and agree on how to do it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't see anything wrong with telling a kid he's being obnoxious. Because he was being obnoxious. You just have to make sure he knows what the word means, such as "unpleasant to be around" and "intrusive" and "inconsiderate," all good words to know by the age of nine.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

MayNeedAdvice22 said:


> I told my 9 yo who was being loud and rude at dinner to “stop being obnoxious”. I was promptly scolded by my wife who sternly told me never to use word again. My kids picked up on it and responded. I wasn’t trying to be rude or mean, I just wanted it to stop and I explained that to him. Was I out of line or was my wife reprimanding me in front of the kids more harmful to the children?


The only thing I can say is that it would have been better to set your son aside and talk with him without shaming him.
Public praise and private criticism.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> The only thing I can say is that it would have been better to set your son aside and talk with him without shaming him.
> Public praise and private criticism.


They WERE in private, best I can tell. Sounds like the family at the dinner table. That's the place to train them, not after the fact after they disturb all the guests in a restaurant!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> They WERE in private, best I can tell. Sounds like the family at the dinner table. That's the place to train them, not after the fact after they disturb all the guests in a restaurant!


Even in presence of family, I would have been inclined to take him aside.
That's just me.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

MayNeedAdvice22 said:


> That’s great in theory, but we can‘t seem to get on the same page. She refuses to talk because she claims it‘ll just turn into a fight. Meanwhile I’m walking on eggshells waiting for the next bomb to drop. Taken by surprise almost each time not knowing what I did or say was wrong. We have different parenting styles and she doesn't like my approach.


OP, since you won't seem to do this for yourself, do it for your children. 

You are modeling what a marriage and a relationship is supposed to be like.

You need to step up for your children, not lay down and let your wife run all over you. So fvcking what if there is an argument (as long as it's not in front of the children).

This is a terrible environment to raise your children in, fix it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MayNeedAdvice22 said:


> _*I told my 9 yo who was being loud and rude at dinner to “stop being obnoxious”. I was promptly scolded by my wife who sternly told me never to use word again. My kids picked up on it and responded. I wasn’t trying to be rude or mean, I just wanted it to stop and I explained that to him. Was I out of line or was my wife reprimanding me in front of the kids more harmful to the children?*_


Your wife needs to find better things to do than being a ***** and telling you what you can and cannot say to your own kid.

I'm guessing when he was younger, your wife was also the type to let her kid ruin everyone else's dinner at a restaurant because of her passive parenting.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She sounds tired and she probably went over the top. She shouldn't have done that. But you say you walk on eggshells all the time. Is your wife some kind of tyrant or over stressed? Does she work? Do you help her? Or is she just a biatch generally...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MayNeedAdvice22 said:


> That’s great in theory, but we can‘t seem to get on the same page. She refuses to talk because she claims it‘ll just turn into a fight. Meanwhile I’m walking on eggshells waiting for the next bomb to drop. Taken by surprise almost each time not knowing what I did or say was wrong. We have different parenting styles and she doesn't like my approach.


That is exactly why a marriage counselor is so important to be a referee and help focus people on the negotiation process.

A parenting class may also work, but I would interview the instructor to find out if in their instruction they only teach one style or they stress that many styles can work and give examples of different ways to handle things in the course.


Good Luck.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

MayNeedAdvice22 said:


> I told my 9 yo who was being loud and rude at dinner to “stop being obnoxious”. I was promptly scolded by my wife who sternly told me never to use word again. My kids picked up on it and responded. I wasn’t trying to be rude or mean, I just wanted it to stop and I explained that to him. Was I out of line or was my wife reprimanding me in front of the kids more harmful to the children?


Did your 9 year old stop?


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## Beeline (7 mo ago)

We all have boundaries of what we consider acceptable behaviour towards our children. We may not even know what they all are until one is crossed. Sounds like that particular boundary was really important and triggered a pretty strong protective reaction. Like how I'd react if my husband called my kid an a-hole. Obnoxious seems pretty tame in comparison..I'd probably ask her about it and see why it's so important to her. 

If you guys have established a rule where you don't label the kids, only their actions (ie please stop that obnoxious behavior, vs, stop being obnoxious) then you've put it in place for a reason, and correcting each other now and again would just happen.

Sounds like you were caught off-guard though and that's not a thing you guys talked about.

If she felt she needed to say something, it would have been better for her to just say "maybe obnoxious is the wrong word, but..." or 
"I don't think we should call each other obnoxious for xyz reason." (looking to you)

"..but you absolutely need to stop being loud because it's annoying us." (to the kid)

Not a command, still showing solidarity with your request, still getting out what she needed to.

Ideally though you talk about it when the kids aren't around, to maintain respect for both parents. Unless you think it's a harm that can only be prevented in the moment.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

MayNeedAdvice22 said:


> I told my 9 yo who was being loud and rude at dinner to “stop being obnoxious”. I was promptly scolded by my wife who sternly told me never to use word again. My kids picked up on it and responded. I wasn’t trying to be rude or mean, I just wanted it to stop and I explained that to him. Was I out of line or was my wife reprimanding me in front of the kids more harmful to the children?


You did fine. Your W acted atrociously. It's that simple.


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## Leeame (Apr 13, 2021)

MayNeedAdvice22 said:


> That occurred afterwards and she claimed that she simply told me and did not scold me. The words and tone she used certainly contradict that. My son even asked why she snapped at me and her reply was “I didn’t snap”


That is gaslighting.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

MEOW


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Everything that happens in your childrens' lives when they are adults is going to be a result of how you and your wife act right now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"Another reanimated thread?"


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