# 7-Year Anniversary



## Shorty619 (Dec 15, 2010)

It's been 3 weeks now since he first moved out, and 7 years ago yesterday we went to our city hall here in San Diego and exchanged "I Do". Such a bittersweet day it was yesterday. Regardless of what happens in this path we are on, I will never regret the years I have had with him and my love for him. I have known him for 10 years, and have had the honor to be able to call myself his wife for the past 7, and I would never change that for the world. Regardless of the downs, there have been many ups, and he has changed me as a person, I would honestly say for the better.

The past couple of weeks have been quite interesting. I have had 2 sessions with my counselor, which have been good, but nothing earth shattering. Maybe I'm holding too high expectations of what I'm thinking I'm going to get out of this counselor. Or at times I feel like maybe I don't really need this counselor. I have so many great friends, who I am endlessly thankful for, that are all like my mini counselors. I have talked to so many of them and have gotten so many kind words and perspectives, that they alone have been helping me so much with this journey so far.

I feel like I'm doing amazingly well, better than I thought I would be at this point. It's very non-conventional I suppose, but I'm feeling at a point where I'm kind of enjoying seeing and dating my husband, and then having the place to myself. This weekend I even bought some new stuff for my bed and had the motivation to clean up the apartment. Of course I still feel sad that he's not there each night, but I'm finally able to go to sleep in my bed alone without utter heartache. I don't know, maybe I'm still in denial, maybe I'm internally forcing myself to get numb to it all? Not sure exactly where these feelings are coming from.

Him and I have been seeing each other more than I expected we would, and more than we had talked about that we would during our "trial separation". Not necessarily because it's planned, it just kind of happens. 2 weekends ago we had our first "date". That was nice, we went to a movie, then dinner, then to a bar after. Then we came back to the apt and watched movies, and it got really late. I offered for him to stay over and he said ok. It was our first night being intimate since Xmas, and it was very nice and loving. The next day I had my counselor appt and I told him he could sleep in and watch the game if he wanted. The Jets were playing that day. It was a nice afternoon, when I got back we had some food, watched the game and just hung out. He went home that evening and I felt good about our time together, and we made plans for this past weekend..

During the week I saw him a couple times. Once by complete accident, I stopped by the bank to get some cash, and as I was going to the drive up ATM he just happened to be standing at the walk up ATM. So we chatted and ended up going to dinner together. Another day he came by the apartment because he needed to use the computer to check some application for school he had submitted and just stayed for a little bit. 

This past weekend was our date to observe our upcoming 7-year wedding anniversary. When we first discussed observing this date, we both agreed that it was an important thing to acknowledge regardless of where we are at in our path. We had another nice evening, watched a movie, went to dinner, and hung out a bit after. He didn't stay over this time, and as much as I wanted him to, I was ok with it. I gave him a card for our anniversary, in which I told him pretty much what I said above in my first paragraph, and at the end I wrote "I love you, always and forever". He read the card and then he looked up at me and said "I love you too" and gave me a kiss. It was a very loving evening, he kept hugging me all evening and at one point he whispered in my ear "I miss you". I told him, I miss you too babe, a lot. He said a little sadly "I know". Overall it was a nice evening, he was so attentive it was a little surprising, he kept holding my hand and putting his arm around me and telling me how good I looked. At the end of the evening before he left the apartment I asked him when we would see each other next, he asked if I wanted to hang out on Sunday. I thought I had another appt with my counselor, but I said yes because I knew he wouldn't wake up until after noon anyway. We decided that we'd see how the weather was and determine what to do at that point and he said he'd call me when he woke up. Turns out I had my date wrong and my counselor appt is not till next Sunday, so I spent the morning doing laundry and cleaning up. It was a cold cloudy day, so we decided to just hang out and watch movies. He came over around 4ish or so, we had some soup I made, and just kinda cuddled on the couch and watched some movies he had bought at Best Buy earlier that week. Then we had some dinner later with some wine. We did a little toast, and I tried to be funny and said something like "to us not killing each other for the past 7 years" lol, but then he goes and says "to new beginnings". I"m not really sure what that meant, but I didn't ask. To be honest at this point I don't want to ask. I want things for the moment to just keep progressing as they are.

I know he's been having issues with his roomate, and has mentioned that he's going to start looking for a new place to live soon cuz he doesn't think he can last where he's at too much longer. I don't want us to move too fast with this. I don't want to get into the heavy "so where are we now" conversation yet. It's only been 3 weeks. We've been battling with our issues for 3 years, I don't want to rush this. If there is some slight chance that our marriage can work, I need to know that we truly went through a process of healing and repair, not another bandaid that would lead us back to where we are again.


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

Maybe its like hitting the refresh button on your relationship. This separation could be the best thing that ever happened. Just don't make any rash decisions that could limit how far this goes. You certainly don't want to be looking for a new relationship and whatever issues you had together, will likely follow you into the next one, maybe with him, maybe not, unless you get on top of them. Hope it works out.


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## Shorty619 (Dec 15, 2010)

Yesterday he asked if he could come by just to hang out for a bit. He looked a little down when he came over. I asked him if he had been going to his martial arts classes he said no, he was just so tired. I asked him what he's been doing after work, he said nothing, just goes home, showers, and just kinda wanders, maybe laundry, maybe a trip to Target, did a little Yoga the other day in his room, that's about it. It's just not like him. He's a very active person and loves working out, so it concerned me a little. Then he talked about his roomate a bit, and how much he was ready to just be out of there. I asked him where he was going to go, and he just kinda smiled and shrugged. I got this feeling that he wanted to tell me he wants to move back home. But I didn't egg him on or ask. I don't want him to move back home like this. I don't want him to come back to me out of convenience or because he misses having someone cooking him dinner every night, that's not the husband I want. I want the one that TRULY wants to be with me and wants our marriage to work. He came over to the couch and we kind of cuddled a bit and he put his head on my lap and he told me how much he missed me, and asked if I missed him. I told him of course I missed him. He just looked so exhausted =(. He is in the Navy Reserves and he has his once a month training all this weekend, so he's not looking forward to that. He ended up staying over last night, I told him he could, he just looked like he needed comforting and this probably makes me an enabler, but I wanted to give him that. I left for work this morning and let him stay there and sleep in. He's going to go back to his place before I get home, but I wanted him to get some rest even if that meant staying at my apartment. 

I think it's going to be time really soon for us to have our first sit-down serious conversation about how things are going in our marriage. If he does say that he'd like to move back with me, I need for us to go over a serious list of what each of OUR needs are from each other and our marriage. I don't ask for that much, all I want is a husband who KNOWS that he loves me and WANTS to be married to me for the 20 years, who is not afraid to share his life with me and to plan the future with me, and who is genuinely content with having me as his wife and who loves US. I really don't think that's asking a lot. And if he does want to move back, I need to know that he's prepared to make our marriage work for real, and that it's not to get him out of some bind. 

I still hurt inside knowing that he chose to leave and did this to us, and I miss him terribly. But we dealt with this torture for the last 3 years of our 7 year marriage, and I do NOT want to go through this again. As much as I want him home, I need it to be for the right reasons, or not at all.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Sound slike he wants to come back, but he needs you to ask him, he doesn't want to be the one to ask, also sounds like he is not getting any where enough sleep.


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## Shorty619 (Dec 15, 2010)

I had almost forgotten about coming back to the board. But for those that had kind words for me I wanted to give a very quick update. 

From the last time I posted in Feb of 2011, my husband did end up moving back into our apartment. I started traveling a lot for work in April so he was staying at the apt a lot to take care of the little critters and do some house sitting. By May he was fully moved in. We did end up having a big talk prior to him fully returning. I made it clear to him if we try to make this happen I now have some ground rules. I expressed what MY needs were at this point. And that I needed a husband who was willing to give me honesty and committment. I needed us to be open with each other and be open to communication. In return I was willing to work on changing the things he had previously expressed were bothering him about our marriage. We agreed to periodically review our marriage to see if we were still on the right track on where we were going. 

I'm happy to report that things have been progressively good with us and our marriage. I feel like we opened some windows within our little marriage box, and things just feel so much more breezy. We've had a couple arguments here and there, but nothing like before. I myself feel much more free and not bogged down by angst. I know it has helped to really reunite with old friends and family and regain that part of me that I had lost. And being able to let go of all these insecurities I know were a big part of what was putting a huge weight on our marriage, has made me feel infinitely more confident in myself and us. I have periodically touched base with him and asked for us to air out any issues either of us might have, I don't want things to build up as they did for the first part of our relationship as they did, and then explode. He seems more comfortable as well, and more settled into his role as my partner. 

And to take it one step further, just a week and a half ago we went into Escrow on our first home =). I am still a little bit nervous, but very excited about the possibility of our future together....


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