# Confused by advice from Glass' website



## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

Hello, this is my first time posting on this forum. Here's an overview of my situation. My H and I were becoming friends with a couple last year. He and OW started texted more regularly in early January and I was fine with that, I always trusted him. He then started changing. I found out a week later he was having an EA with this woman. It had been inappropriate for 2 weeks (lots of text and facebook messages, a couple phone calls, containing I love yous and talking about how they're the same "love languages" - if I never hear that phrase again in my lifetime it'll not be long enough - and their spouses are not). They said they would stop. A week later I found out that hadn't. I got my evidence and exposed to OWH and our families. This was early February. It's been a tough 2 months. I searched online to find ways to cope with this and came upon this on Shirley Glass' website.

Infidelity Q&A, by Dr. Shirley Glass

I will quote it below, but it really boggles my mind. H and OW wanted us all to be friends. H encouraged me to go with OW when she invited me places. When I think of us hanging out, with these two looking lovingly at each other and still texting inappropriately behind our backs I just want to claw my eyes out. Why do you think she would recommend this??



> Dear Dr. Glass,
> 
> My wife developed a friendship with a married man at our church. I found a greeting card she was going to send to his business that stated in no uncertain terms that "There is no one else I'd rather be with" and "I love you" - "Now throw this card away before someone sees it". My wife claims that she wouldn't have sent that card and also claims he doesn't have similar feelings, but I just don't believe her. They have also been carrying on Cell Phone conversations on a regular basis (she claims that all he is, is JUST a good friend, and that they don't have time to talk during the evening or on regular phones because they're just too busy). This is the only "friend" my wife has that never calls the house. She wants me to believe that it really is just a friendship now. I found that card about 3 months ago and want to believe her, but I just can't. I just don't believe that she can turn those kinds of feelings off that fast. Every time I try to talk to her about it she just tells me I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and that I need to stop dwelling on that stupid card she wrote. What do you think?
> 
> ...


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

If I am reading this correctly, and I hope I am, I believe Dr. Glass is suggesting that this man propose social interaction with the other couple to get his wife's reaction and see if she protests. I hope she isn't suggesting they REALLY get together and test the chemistry between his wife and this OM. It does seem oddly phrased.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

calmwinds said:


> If I am reading this correctly, and I hope I am, I believe Dr. Glass is suggesting that this man propose social interaction with the other couple to get his wife's reaction and see if she protests. I hope she isn't suggesting they REALLY get together and test the chemistry between his wife and this OM. It does seem oddly phrased.


Yes, I agree. I read it through twice. Dr. Glass is suggesting that the H present this idea to his W to see how SHE reacts *to the suggestion*. You see, if this OM is "just friends", then the OM and his W should be friends with both spouses out in the open. If it is indeed an EA (which it looks like) than the W would feel uncomfortable with this arrangement. The H should gauge her reaction to this proposal (and not necessarily follow through for obvious reasons.)


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I don't like it at all. 

I view the letter as a form of me signing off on the affair. 

I don't care what Dr. Glass views are on this, I think they are dead wrong. Sure, it might make the situation extremely awkward for your spouse and their potential AP, but I would never do this. 

And your husband is suggesting you go on these outings with the woman? What is he expecting to happen? You meet your long lost best friend? 
If I went on an outing with the OM, I'd probably have a warrant out for my arrest. 

But since you have found your husband in an EA, and he has refused to quit, I would suggest starting a 180. 
And telling the OW's husband. He needs to know this. 
Then file for divorce. 

All of the above doesn't mean you'll get divorced however. It is merely a means of shocking your stupid husband into realizing how much of an ass he is being. 

Because if that doesn't wake him up, I don't know what will.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Foolish1,

I just had a discussion yesterday about the difference between a lawyer and a paper lawyer... Dr. Glass is a stupid condescending fool.

The woman committed adultery biblically, at least one of the three forms referred to in the bible. I only bring this up as the reference to the man at church. To desire someone else's spouse means that you have committed adultery in your heart.

When I found that my wife was cheating on me. I tried to be introspective, save my marriage and be as nice to her as possible. 

That was so wrong in many cases. It took me a while before I finally said the hell with this and I became a man again. The woman in the story was heading down a path of destruction and what she did, she knew was wrong! 

The doctor was downplaying her bad actions and even said the husband was making a Mountain out of a molehill. Just because someone may be a doctor does not make them smart. Dr. Glass is a moron. Her advice is absolutely wrong and guaranteed not to work. Been there...


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You need to work on your reading comprehension there movingahead, your analysis of the letter is completely wrong. For instance she agrees that the husband is making a mountain, and rightfully so. Also she recommends the husband call his wife out on her bull****, and to watch her reaction when he does so. She points out to him that he is obsessing over a symptom, when his time would be better spent addressing the disease, likely in couples therapy.


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

Thanks for your replies everyone. It gives me a lot to think about. My H and OW quit, BTW. Well, hopefully. I'm monitoring but if a person wants to do something they'll find a way.



SadandAngry said:


> You need to work on your reading comprehension there movingahead, your analysis of the letter is completely wrong. For instance she agrees that the husband is making a mountain, and rightfully so. Also she recommends the husband call his wife out on her bull****, and to watch her reaction when he does so. She points out to him that he is obsessing over a symptom, when his time would be better spent addressing the disease, likely in couples therapy.


So you agree that the husband is making a mountain out of a molehill? Being married and telling someone else you love them seems pretty huge to me. There's no doubt I am obsessing about what my H and OW did. I think the biggest thing is my H wouldn't be able to get over me saying just one semi-intimate word to another guy. Immature of me? Yes, but that's where I am.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Hi foolish, no what I agree with (and so does Dr. Glass) is that he is right to object to his wife's behaviour, but he is wrong to dwell on just the one aspect (the card). The Dr. doesn't come right out and say it directly, but the implication of what she says is that the man should drag the illicit activity between the wife and the om out into the open, her way is for the husband to suggest the start doing things together with the other couple. I don't think the wife will take that suggestion too well, she'd have to act like nothing was going on in front of the other man's wife, knowing full well her husband cold blow the lid off by bringing up the texts, phone calls, etc. It is an indirect way to make it obvious that the contact is a problem, and reason to get into counselling.

Would I be that indirect? Not now, neither would most TAM regulars. We see the value in taking a much more direct, much harder line. Force what's going to happen to happen, because you can't actually change your cheater, you can only really state your boundaries, and stick to them.
Yes, cheaters say they love their APs. Some really believe it. Some will leave when push comes to shove, some will not. Some get thrown under the bus by their AP when the affair is exposed, and they see the precise value of the 'love' they shared with the AP. It's not pretty. The whole mess is pretty ugly. It is hard to deal with, but you can do it. You can get through, and come out better for it, no matter what your husband does, because you control your life, not him. You can choose to work towards a better life with or with out him.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

In what ways do you monitor for communication? What were the reactions to exposure, from him, the ow, the own, the church?


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

Thanks for the clarification. I could also never be so indirect. I don't do any of the snooping things recommended by most sites. I would never do VARs or keyloggers. It would be a never ending cycle for me. There would always be one more thing to monitor. I monitor browser history and email accounts, which I know can all be deleted or secret accounts created, etc. Our marriage was in a very bad place for a very long time before this happened. He was 100% responsible for the affair, but we were both 50% responsible for the horrible marriage that opened the door. He is working hard at R and never blamed me once for the A. After exposure he was very sorry but still worried about taking care of the OW. That lasted a couple weeks and I did not think I would survive it. OW has been completely broken up about the whole thing. I'm more confident that she would not start the A back up than I am that he wouldn't, unfortunately. Even though he's been very good. OWH is in complete agreement with me, he's a strong ally, although he cheated on her earlier in their marriage so that sucks. It seems just about everywhere. H's only married brother cheated on his wife, my dad cheated on my mom. It's heartbreaking. I look at my two little girls and sometimes get unbearably sad that they'll probably go through the same torture.

We don't go to church and don't really have any friends. His family reacted in support of us both, I feel they wanted the affair to stop but didn't think it was so serious because it wasn't physical. I encouraged him to go out with his family on several occasions without me or the kids soon after this all happened. I don't know what they said to him, but I trust they have our family's best interest at heart.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

HAHAHAHAHAHA yea right this might work at making the affair go deeper undercover. It still fails at exposing the affair. I would simply have said. "Oh okay I am going to take this to the OMW." 

If wife freaks out, drive over to OM's house and give the OMW the letter and see what happens.
If wife doesn't freak out, drive over to OM's and give the OMW the letter and see what happens. 

exposure is the single most effective way to atom bomb an Affair. It also shows your WW that you will do anything to protect your marriage including ruining your wife's and anyone else's reputation.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The Glass website aside, one should expose the affair and then insist on complete NC. Verifiable NC.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Ok, so let's drop the Glass bit out now. How are you feeling about your relationship? About him? About how he has/is handling his part in betraying you? Do you trust him (I don't mean do you act like you trust him, because you do, but do you actually trust him)?


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Ok, so let's drop the Glass bit out now. How are you feeling about your relationship? *Mostly good. Still periods of panic and numbness. Half the time that the affair will start back up, the other half that I don't have the strength to "clean up my side of the street".* About him? *Great.* About how he has/is handling his part in betraying you? *Great. He has reversed all the bad, secretive behavior that went on during the affair. He is working hard to meet my emotional needs. Not perfect, but very, very good.* Do you trust him (I don't mean do you act like you trust him, because you do, but do you actually trust him)? *No. I do not trust him, I do not trust myself, I do not trust much of anything these days. And really, I don't even act like I trust him. I question him about everything, over and over again. I was super trusting before, I never had a problem with anything he did, and only objected to things I saw as a double standard in our marriage. Example, he would give me a hard time about going out to dinner with my friends, so I would give him a hard time about going out to play poker with his friends. I had no problem with him playing poker, I just didn't like the double standard.*


Thanks for taking the time with me. It helps to type all this out.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Ok. So the questions, over and over, that's normal, that's good. You do act like you trust him in critical ways though, by refusing to independently verify your information. If you continue to do so, it will be almost impossible for you to rebuild real trust. I say put some measures in place, do not tell him. Ever. You monitor, you confirm, you feel better, you start to trust, you get bored checking up on him. You will never really just take his word for things if you never do anything to see if his word is worth anything, because he has shown you that it isn't. Does that make sense to you?


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Ok. So the questions, over and over, that's normal, that's good. You do act like you trust him in critical ways though, by refusing to independently verify your information. If you continue to do so, it will be almost impossible for you to rebuild real trust. I say put some measures in place, do not tell him. Ever. You monitor, you confirm, you feel better, you start to trust, you get bored checking up on him. You will never really just take his word for things if you never do anything to see if his word is worth anything, because he has shown you that it isn't. Does that make sense to you?


It does make sense, there are just several things holding me back. 1) it would never end for me. If I verified he wasn't doing anything on the computer I would then be convinced he was using his phone. If I verified that, then it would be his iPad. Then a burner phone. Etc, etc. I don't see it ever making me feel better. 2). There are things that aren't deal breakers for me, but I can't cope with knowing if he's doing it right now. P0rn, for instance. 3) I would feel completely violated if he did that to me. I know, I know, I didn't cheat. But I was really, really, really awful to me. He never brings it up ever, but I know how bad I was. I guess I would feel more justified if I had been a good wife and he still cheated.

Thanks again for taking time with me. I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for you all. To have been there, and people won't take your advice, always thinking their situations are different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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