# Is this a marriage rules/ethics violation?



## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

I‘ve been friends with a married couple since I was a teenager (we’re now in our late 30’s.) We’ll call them Tony and Angela. They’ve been married around 15 years, and through that entire time we’ve all been very close. 

I‘d say I’ve always had a slightly stronger rapport with Angela, as we‘re both artists and just seem to “click” on certain levels. Similar energies I suppose - we just seem to understand each other. This cohesiveness didn’t really start until after they were married, as life just kind of cultivated a bond as we got older. Despite the connection, nothing inappropriate has ever happened between us, and there’s no history of us being involved even before they got together.

Recently I caught a pretty nasty flu and was telling them about it over a group text, which is the primary source of communication between the three of us. The next day, I get a text from Angela around 10AM saying she’s in my neighborhood, asking if I need any hot soup or meds. 

She sent me this text directly, not in the group text, which is unusual for us. We also never spend time alone, mostly out of respect for Tony, so it seemed like the offer was made directly so Tony wouldn’t know about it.

Initially I didn’t think anything of it because we’ve all been friends so long, but my sister is telling me offering to come over alone is marriage no-no. She says she was looking for a way to spend alone time with me, otherwise she would have sent it over the group text.

Is this really some kind of violation, and suggestive she wanted to spend some alone time with me? If so, am I obligated to tell Tony about it?
Thanks.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Tough call


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

Agreed - seems as if more context is needed to really judge this


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

Ask away…

Not sure what additional context would help. I suppose you can put yourself in her husbands shoes, and ask whether or not you’d be bothered if your wife/husband offered to bring soup to a sick mutual friend without telling you about it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What was your answer?


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

basically said I’m good but thanks for offering.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Did it make you feel uncomfortable, before your sister gave her opinion of it?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

A nice offer. I think just soup


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

No it didn’t make me uncomfortable


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

It’s odd, but does it mean anything? No way to know.

It is a marriage no no if the habit is communication over group text, and this one time was 1:1. One spouse should not put communication out of the eyes of their spouse given that the habit is otherwise. It’s bad optics at a minimum.

But who knows if it was a thing or perfectly innocent. Either way you would be wise to keep distance between the two of you and _always_ include hubby in communication.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Gottaask said:


> I‘ve been friends with a married couple since I was a teenager (we’re now in our late 30’s.) We’ll call them Tony and Angela. They’ve been married around 15 years, and through that entire time we’ve all been very close.
> 
> I‘d say I’ve always had a slightly stronger rapport with Angela, as we‘re both artists and just seem to “click” on certain levels. Similar energies I suppose - we just seem to understand each other. This cohesiveness didn’t really start until after they were married, as life just kind of cultivated a bond as we got older. Despite the connection, nothing inappropriate has ever happened between us, and there’s no history of us being involved even before they got together.
> 
> ...


She sent you a personal text asking if you need anything to help with your flu, so what?
Simply a nice thought in my opinion.
Sorry, I think you`re being paranoid unless it`s yourself you don`t trust if alone with her.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> She sent you a personal text asking if you need anything to help with your flu, so what?
> Simply a nice thought in my opinion.
> Sorry, I think you`re being paranoid unless it`s yourself you don`t trust if alone with her.


Good reply. Could be


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> She sent you a personal text asking if you need anything to help with your flu, so what?
> Simply a nice thought in my opinion.
> Sorry, I think you`re being paranoid unless it`s yourself you don`t trust if alone with her.


I don’t even know it’s possible someone could read what I wrote and come to this conclusion.

Like I said in the post, I didn’t really think anything of it. My sister is the one who claimed it was some kind of marriage non-no and suggestive of something more, hence me asking around to see if her perspective was accurate.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your sister is correct that it _could_ be — no way to know at this point.


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Either way you would be wise to keep distance between the two of you and _always_ include hubby in communication.


leaning this way, thanks for the input


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Was there any other reason for her to be in your neighborhood besides you?


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

She never specified and I didn’t ask. Text literally just said “Hey I’m in the neighborhood…”


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Why send a group text to everyone offering you some sickness relief? It was for you, not everyone. That said if she brought you soup and then proceeded to inappropriate behavior then that is a BIG problem, but what you posted sounds like being nice.

e.t.a. I see the husband was the only other one in the text group so it probably should have been sent that way. I was thinking big group.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dropping off soup is nice, trying to take care of you in person without the husband is off limits.

Here what you do, respond "Hey the soup would be nice but I would fell weird with you taking care of me without Tony there." If she protest that she meant nothing by it respond with "np. (no problem)" and then then say nothing. If you are right then you will find out soon enough, she will see that pursuing you is dangerous to her emotional well being and move on very quickly. If you were off in your assessment she will probably be a little distant for a while but will get over it.

Had this happen with my friends group when I was a lot younger. She tried me first, but I blew her off pretty much like my advice, felt weird but wasn't sure. Still I told the rest of the group to watch out. She eventually found the (newly cheated on) weak link and blew up our whole group. Funny I always here an electric harpsichord lick from ELO when I tell that story.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Have you ever been alone with her before ? Without Tony ? 

If you actually know each other really well, it would sound to me like she waş just being nice. 

As far as a marriage boundary. I guess it could be considered an issue. Again not enough context. 

Going forward, will you feel awkward the next time you are with them ?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

If you’ve only ever communicated via group texts, I’d agree with your sister. 

We have lots of married couple friends and it’s always wives communicating with wives husbands with husbands. 

I do agree it wasn’t appropriate to text you outside the group chat. 

Husband himself could have made the offer, but he didn’t. 

Methinks seeking the perfect opportunity to be alone, twice. Seeking the opportunity to strike up a conversation with you alone, and then seeking and opportunity to be alone with you in person. 

No need to tell the husband, you did the right thing by declining, and don’t text her back anymore privately. You’re good here. 

I have been in a situation once where my husband asked me to drop something off to a male friend. It didn’t involve any texting between me and the male friend, and the stuff was left at the door. Sometimes his friends need to drop things off, often the wife comes or stuff is left in some spot they’ve arranged.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe she told her husband in real life but he just wasn’t in the text


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> If you’ve only ever communicated via group texts, I’d agree with your sister.
> 
> We have lots of married couple friends and it’s always wives communicating with wives husbands with husbands.
> 
> ...


At this juncture, this is all pretty much falling in line with what my gut is telling me. 

I’ll leave it alone moving forward, and just be more mindful of our interactions and dynamic to avoid potential drama. Thank you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If she turns up naked with the soup then you may be onto something. 
Otherwise no.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Gottaask said:


> At this juncture, this is all pretty much falling in line with what my gut is telling me.
> 
> I’ll leave it alone moving forward, and just be more mindful of our interactions and dynamic to avoid potential drama. Thank you.


 YOU MADE her the right response , and yes moving forward keeping an eye on what and how they both act around you


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So I have married friends and we’ve all been mates for 30 odd years now. I’d absolutely drop off some soup
if the husband was sick, but I honestly can’t see myself texting only him about it. I’d absolutely keep that on the group text.

On the other hand, he has messaged me a couple of times, can’t remember about what, nothing serious though. It certainly wasn’t a secret, I remember talking about it with his wife later lol.

In summary. It could be something. Could be nothing🤷‍♀️


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## Mystic Moon (6 mo ago)

If she offered to drop by in a private text when you weren't sick, that would be inappropriate.

I've offered to help out sick friends before (soup, meds, etc.), and my husband was always aware, even if he wasn't included in the text or phone call. I even make soup for my husband to take to his coworkers if they, or their spouse or kids, are sick. Most of them appreciate the kind gesture.

If she didn't try to persuade you to let her stop by, after you politely declined, I think she was just being a helpful friend.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Mystic Moon said:


> If she offered to drop by in a private text when you weren't sick, that would be inappropriate.
> 
> I've offered to help out sick friends before (soup, meds, etc.), and my husband was always aware, even if he wasn't included in the text or phone call. I even make soup for my husband to take to his coworkers if they, or their spouse or kids, are sick. Most of them appreciate the kind gesture.
> 
> If she didn't try to persuade you to let her stop by, after you politely declined, I think she was just being a helpful friend.


Don’t see a secret plan here


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## Brigit24 (2 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> So I have married friends and we’ve all been mates for 30 odd years now. I’d absolutely drop off some soup
> if the husband was sick, but I honestly can’t see myself texting only him about it. I’d absolutely keep that on the group text.
> 
> On the other hand, he has messaged me a couple of times, can’t remember about what, nothing serious though. It certainly wasn’t a secret, I remember talking about it with his wife later lol.
> ...


If OP isn't on deaths door I think this lady should keep her soup to herself. It doesn't sound right.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Gottaask If she was just going to drop the meds and soup by the door and drive away I see no issue. Now, her texting you directly has slime written all over the good intention. 

Kudos to your sister for translating the _womanese_. Yes, I would tell Tony about it.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> In summary. It could be something. Could be nothing🤷‍♀️


Right, so why put herself in that position?


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Don’t see a secret plan here


Of course you don't.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gottaask said:


> I‘ve been friends with a married couple since I was a teenager (we’re now in our late 30’s.) We’ll call them Tony and Angela. They’ve been married around 15 years, and through that entire time we’ve all been very close.
> 
> I‘d say I’ve always had a slightly stronger rapport with Angela, as we‘re both artists and just seem to “click” on certain levels. Similar energies I suppose - we just seem to understand each other. This cohesiveness didn’t really start until after they were married, as life just kind of cultivated a bond as we got older. Despite the connection, nothing inappropriate has ever happened between us, and there’s no history of us being involved even before they got together.
> 
> ...


It's dancing close to the fire for sure.

It's up to you what you say or don't to Tony.



Also, why don't you have a wife or girlfriend yourself?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gottaask said:


> She never specified and I didn’t ask. Text literally just said “Hey I’m in the neighborhood…”


I had a friend's wife behave in a similar fashion with an invite to lunch when she found out my work took me near hers.

I haven't been a novice since my teens and sidestepped smoothly.

She got caught cheating two years ago and she probably was for years.

I'm not saying that's what's happening in your situation but you might want to open your eyes and ears a little more.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Gottaask said:


> basically said I’m good but thanks for offering.


Good call.

Don't read into it, yet.
Take it as a sign and act of kindness.
This is uncommon, these days.
Relax.

Good friends are good friends, until they aren't.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> Of course you don't.


Dude, come on. I am blind? Why do people think everyone is trying to get laid? just offered to help an ill friend. Oh, better have the lube ready? Charge up the vibe.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Has she ever texted just you in the past? If not, this is a red flag.

I wouldn't read to much into it at this point. I can see how a caring friend would offer to do this. My wife has brought things from work to co workers when they have been home sick, especially during covid, so they could work from home. This was done at times with the offer of soup or anything else that they might need. She would drop the stuff off at the front door or driveway and head home. The two of you have been friends FOR years, don't read to much into it.

If I my ask, what are your fillings for her?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

You can always ask her. As longtime friends, I’m sure you can talk about anything.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It was an act of kindness not an offer to have an extra marital affair. She knew you were sick & was open to bringing soup. Period. It's not a violation of marriage "rules" or ethics to communicate with or do a good deed for an opposite sex friend when you are married. In fact her actions make her a good person. The fact that so many people jumped to some horrid conclusion that something untoward was her motive makes them the problem, not her. Get your minds out of the gutter. The idea that somebody can't recognize kindness is very sad.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Do you want something to happen?
Because this is a sisterly thing to do. Some you knew for decades knows you’re sick and they are in the area they drop off food.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I probably wouldn't think anything about this at face value but @Gottaask had his radar pinged by it.

This really could be nothing but care. The OP knows the situation far better however and hopefully will continue to post.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> I probably wouldn't think anything about this at face value but @Gottaask had his radar pinged by it.
> 
> This really could be nothing but care. The OP knows the situation far better however and hopefully will continue to post.


One hopes so


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> It was an act of kindness not an offer to have an extra marital affair. She knew you were sick & was open to bringing soup. Period. It's not a violation of marriage "rules" or ethics to communicate with or do a good deed for an opposite sex friend when you are married. In fact her actions make her a good person. The fact that so many people jumped to some horrid conclusion that something untoward was her motive makes them the problem, not her. Get your minds out of the gutter. The idea that somebody can't recognize kindness is very sad.


Good post


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It's always a matter of context and degrees. 

Dropping off a can of soup and a box of Thera-Flu for 2 minutes on her way to Pilates class is not an ethics violation. 

Showing up at your house with some soup and Thera-Flu dressed in a trench coat with nothing but a pair of thigh-highs and heels underneath and offering you a sponge bath is a violation of marital ethics.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> It's always a matter of context and degrees.
> 
> Dropping off a can of soup and a box of Thera-Flu for 2 minutes on her way to Pilates class is not an ethics violation.
> 
> Showing up at your house with some soup and Thera-Flu dressed in a trench coat with nothing but a pair of thigh-highs and heels underneath and offering you a sponge bath is a violation of marital ethics.


I can think of a couple female friends of ours who would look good in a trench coat!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Also, why don't you have a wife or girlfriend yourself?


My thoughts exactly.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

time will tell , if she is just interested as a friend and only offers to help when your sick then she will only make offers when your not well , 

if she wants to jump your bones she will make a move on you some time


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## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

When your friend got sick, you want them to feel you care about them. Isn't the way to keep friendship?


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

Some of you seem stuck on the group text/private text aspect of this…

To further clarify, all communication is done through the group text because that’s just how things evolved. It started as a way to for everyone to get on the same page while making plans, and eventually just became the primary method of communication. On a subconscious level, I think it also became the norm just to keep things on the up-and-up. Tony has texted me directly when we’ve touched base on grabbing a beer or something, but Angela never has, as we never have a reason to be alone together. The only time I can remember her doing so was when Tony and I were picking up camping supplies, and she wanted to ask him a question but he had left his phone at home. Her direct text was more than an anomaly, it was unprecedented.

This has nothing to do with me being paranoid, or over thinking things. The only time she texts me directly, outside the group text, in 20+ years of friendship, coinciding with the only time she ever proposed a scenario where we’d be alone, is worth consideration. Of course it’s not a guarantee she has alternative motives, but I’m certain she was 100% aware of how unusual her actions were just like I was. So while I acknowledge it could have been nothing, some of you are breathtakingly obtuse regarding signals and the significance of behavioral changes. You don’t completely dismiss this kind of thing just because you don’t have a notarized confession and video evidence of intent.

I should also point out that their marriage has had recent struggles. No split or anything like that is imminent, but they’ve been fighting quite a bit lately, and are having infrequent sex as a result. It’s possible the extent of their problems is deeper than I realized.


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Also, why don't you have a wife or girlfriend yourself?


Recently got out of a 5 year relationship. She took a job out of state, and I don’t do long distance relationships.


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> If I my ask, what are your fillings for her?


I care about her like I would any friend.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

How many people on this group chat? They all don't need to know her plans to give you soup. Personally I hate when group texts about what are we all doing get sidetracked into conversations that don't involve everybody. 

Unless you have concrete evidence to the contrary, my guess is she texted you & verbally told her husband of her plans. There was therefore no need to include him in the text. 

Again as somebody else pointed out, if she showed up in a trench coat, high heels & nothing else, that would be inappropriate but a basic fully clothed drive by where she hands you some soup & leaves is no big deal.


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Do you want something to happen?
> Because this is a sisterly thing to do. Some you knew for decades knows you’re sick and they are in the area they drop off food.


Sisterly behavior would have established, similar patterns. What she did was new, and completely out of the norm of our dynamic.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Gottaask said:


> Sisterly behavior would have established, similar patterns. What she did was new, and completely out of the norm of our dynamic.


My guess? She cares as a friend. Not sexually.


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> How many people on this group chat? They all don't need to know her plans to give you soup. Personally I hate when group texts about what are we all doing get sidetracked into conversations that don't involve everybody.
> 
> Unless you have concrete evidence to the contrary, my guess is she texted you & verbally told her husband of her plans. There was therefore no need to include him in the text.
> 
> Again as somebody else pointed out, if she showed up in a trench coat, high heels & nothing else, that would be inappropriate but a basic fully clothed drive by where she hands you some soup & leaves is no big deal.


The 3 of us are part of the group chat, and this post perfectly illustrates the obtuseness I referenced.

I clearly explain all communication is done through the group text, yet here you are talking about how all communication doesn’t need to be done with everyone involved. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense to you or not, that is the established standard of our communication. When she’s asked me direct questions before, it’s always been through the group text. Whether or not you agree with this communication method is completely irrelevant. It’s how we have ALWAYS done things. What’s significant here is the deviation from the norm, not whether or not you agree with the norm.


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> My guess? She cares as a friend. Not sexually.


Lol, you’ve made that clear


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> My thoughts exactly.


What an odd factor to focus on. The reason why I’m recently single has nothing to do with her actions.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Gottaask said:


> What an odd factor to focus on. The reason why I’m recently single has nothing to do with her actions.


None whatsoever


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I would literally do this. My husband would do this. (Reach out to someone who is sick). It is not a no no to be kind to a close friend. I guess that doesn’t mean she’s not snaking but I would never think that.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I apologize if I missed the part where the group chat is only the 3 of you. I thought it was more people. 

Perhaps it was an oversight. You declined. The issue has not been raised again nor has she done anything else overt to signal that she was thinking about anything other than bringing you soup. 

Unless she makes an actual pass at you, let this be. Don't stew about it. Don't mention it. If you are that uncomfortable, avoid them. You also could have responded to her in the normal chat but you didn't. Which begs the question, why?


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> I apologize if I missed the part where the group chat is only the 3 of you. I thought it was more people.
> 
> Perhaps it was an oversight. You declined. The issue has not been raised again nor has she done anything else overt to signal that she was thinking about anything other than bringing you soup.
> 
> Unless she makes an actual pass at you, let this be. Don't stew about it. Don't mention it. If you are that uncomfortable, avoid them. You also could have responded to her in the normal chat but you didn't. Which begs the question, why?


All this has already been addressed. You need to actually read the thread.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Gottaask said:


> All this has already been addressed. You need to actually read the thread.


If that is going to be your attitude, I'm sorry I weighed in at all


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Gottaask said:


> basically said I’m good but thanks for offering.


That's all you need to do. It's true she may have been not telling Tony about it but it might not be because she actually had any ill intentions. It might just be because she's not sure how he would react to it. It doesn't mean she was trying to get you alone necessarily so there's no need to tell him. You did the right thing by telling her no thank you.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Here in Thailand we mostly communicate with friends on app Line.
Most of my wife`s female friends I have known for many years including their husbands and often chat one to one with them on there. I`ve had a couple of health issues lately and out of concern they have contacted me to inquire how I`m doing.
Not once have I thought they have ulterior motives for contacting me and my wife knows about this, no problem.
Some time ago I was chatting to an ex female coworker, we were talking for hours about our lives and the good old days. She`s also married.
I think as regards the OP`s attitude is modern day paranoia whereas stuff like this is considered improper.
A sad sign of the times.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Gottaask said:


> I should also point out that their marriage has had recent struggles. No split or anything like that is imminent, but they’ve been fighting quite a bit lately, and are having infrequent sex as a result. It’s possible the extent of their problems is deeper than I realized.


 I think you know too much details about their privet life 
I for one would not be happy in knowing a friend was aware of anything that was going on in my bedroom , and I don't want to know anything about what my friends are up to in theirs


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> I think you know too much details about their privet life
> I for one would not be happy in knowing a friend was aware of anything that was going on in my bedroom , and I don't want to know anything about what my friends are up to in theirs


That is some serious inside information OP has.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

MAY BE I am reading too much into this but Steve Harvey Says Men & Women Cant be friends | Steve Harvey shakes the table with this one. Do you agree or disagree with him? | By Angela Yee | Facebook


Longtime Hubby said:


> That is some serious inside information OP has.


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## SurfsUpToday (Dec 6, 2021)

Gottaask said:


> No it didn’t make me uncomfortable


 That’s when you tell her to drop off soup on the porch and you’ll get it after she leaves. You could even text the guy and say if it is ok for her to drop it off. Of course if you truly didn’t need or want anything your response is perfect. It would depend on the guy of my wife did something similar. I can discern and read situations well so I’d go with my instincts. She may have said something to him already and texted you in a new thread on accident. I see lot of people mess up group threads and some androids do that accidentally to my iPhone.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

How do you know She hasn’t spoken to Him about it outside of the text?


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Gottaask said:


> She sent me this text directly, not in the group text, which is unusual for us. We also never spend time alone, mostly out of respect for Tony, so it seemed like the offer was made directly so Tony wouldn’t know about it.


I think you're making something out of nothing. And I kind of get the vibe that you want her to like you more than a friend.


Gottaask said:


> but my sister is telling me offering to come over alone is marriage no-no. She says she was looking for a way to spend alone time with me, otherwise she would have sent it over the group text.


I think your sister is being a busybody.


Gottaask said:


> but they’ve been fighting quite a bit lately, and are having infrequent sex as a result.


How did you find out this info? 
From the group text?


Gottaask said:


> It’s possible the extent of their problems is deeper than I realized.


Stay out of their marriage, Mr. 3rd Wheel.


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

I received a text from Angela this morning asking if I wanted to have lunch this week.

This time I asked Tony directly if he was aware of the invite, which he wasn’t, nor was he privy to her offer to stop by while I was sick. Needless to say, he wasn’t happy. Obviously, she been making more than just innocent, friendly gestures, and they’ll have to figure out what it means for their marriage.

For those who were able to respond to my question with nuance, thanks for your input, it definitely helped look at the situation from different angles.

For those who dismissive of every possible except one, I can only image what signs of trouble you’ve missed in your own lives, and sincerely hope you eventually don’t find yourself in Tony’s shoes.


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> I think you're making something out of nothing. And I kind of get the vibe that you want her to like you more than a friend.
> 
> I think your sister is being a busybody.
> 
> ...


This is hilarious. I appreciate you sharing your breathtaking talent for misconception.


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

Oh and for those asking I how knew such intimate details of their marriage…

They told me, in person, while having drinks. We’ve all known each other since we were kids, they’re more than comfortable talking about these things whether it’s in the form of venting, or just asking for advice.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> I think your sister is being a busybody.


if there is a sister , seems to me he just hopes to get a bit from the fat mans table


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Well, now that you told Tony, this will be interesting to see how things play out.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Props to you for letting Tony know his wife was essentially asking you out on a lunch date and communicating to you without his knowledge. If I were you, I would stay away from both of them for a bit bc they obviously have marital issues to deal with, and since you are so close to both of them, you could get dragged into the middle, which it seems she has already done to you. Just curious, did you meet one through the other or have you always been in the same circle of friends?


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


Gottaask said:


> I received a text from Angela this morning asking if I wanted to have lunch this week.
> 
> This time I asked Tony directly if he was aware of the invite, which he wasn’t, nor was he privy to her offer to stop by while I was sick. Needless to say, he wasn’t happy.


You may have just caused problems in their marriage for no reason. 
For all you know, she was going to mention it to her husband but hasn't yet because you are not top of mind for her. 


Gottaask said:


> Obviously, she been making more than just innocent, friendly gestures


How is it "obvious"?
Did she invite you to lunch and say she was dessert? Did she invite you to eat lunch and say she's in raging heat for you? That's "obvious". Having a tuna sub at lunch with her, not so much.

FTR: I would never have lunch alone with any man other than my husband. But we also don't have threesome friendships like you are a part of.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gottaask said:


> I received a text from Angela this morning asking if I wanted to have lunch this week.
> 
> This time I asked Tony directly if he was aware of the invite, which he wasn’t, nor was he privy to her offer to stop by while I was sick. Needless to say, he wasn’t happy. Obviously, she been making more than just innocent, friendly gestures, and they’ll have to figure out what it means for their marriage.
> 
> ...


Yup. It pinged your radar and was not business as usual.

Good call.

I'm glad you alerted Tony. You might not be the only "avenue" she was looking to explore or the only waters she was testing.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gottaask said:


> Oh and for those asking I how knew such intimate details of their marriage…
> 
> They told me, in person, while having drinks. We’ve all known each other since we were kids, they’re more than comfortable talking about these things whether it’s in the form of venting, or just asking for advice.


I've had friends just as close.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So recently you split up and she’s having marital issues. 

It’s suspect to me.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think you were wise to avoid this hot steamy soup delivery.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> I think you were wise to avoid this hot steamy soup delivery.


Now if she showed up in a nurse outfit too? 😁


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> Props to you for letting Tony know his wife was essentially asking you out on a lunch date and communicating to you without his knowledge. If I were you, I would stay away from both of them for a bit bc they obviously have marital issues to deal with, and since you are so close to both of them, you could get dragged into the middle, which it seems she has already done to you. Just curious, did you meet one through the other or have you always been in the same circle of friends?


Met them both in Jr. High, same group of friends.


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I think it's clear Angela has ****ty taste in potential affair partners and weak boundaries.


Ah yes, random quotes in a vacuum.

If people want to throw out baseless accusations regarding my intent, and respond with dismissive condescension to what I was asking, they should expect responses such as the ones highlighted here.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

No vacuum, they were your nasty responses to people trying to help you on a forum that you signed up for 2 days previous asking for help.
Good onya for telling Tony though. It will be interesting to see if she destroyed all three of your friendships over this.


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

Soniya said:


> You are a nice guy, man, if she texts you privately, do not invite her to your home alone. This will ruin tony trust and your decades of friendship you can ask her openly what is in her mind to clear things up maybe she just texts you in care its better to clear things up or don't indulge further


Have not talked to them since telling Tony and don’t intend to for the time being. When they reach out, we can have a discussion if it’s needed.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

So if you knew her intent and people here are dumbasses WTF are you doing posting a question here?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gottaask said:


> Have not talked to them since telling Tony and don’t intend to for the time being. When they reach out, we can have a discussion if it’s needed.


That will prove interesting.

The dynamic is messed up a bit, don't you think?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Rubix Cubed said:


> It will be interesting to see if she destroyed all three of your friendships over this.


true


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> So if you knew her intent and people here are dumbasses WTF are you doing posting a question here?


Seriously?

I initially wasn’t sure at all. Subsequent events that happened since creating the thread provided more clarity.

And I didn’t call “people here” ”dumbasses.” I’ve had exchanges and expressed gratitude to helpful perspectives.


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> That will prove interesting.
> 
> The dynamic is messed up a bit, don't you think?


It is now.

The core of this group consists of 5 people (3 guys, 2 women).

If things are permanently fractured it will impact everyone involved. Since no cheating or anything like that occurred, I’m hoping things can resolved. If they hit bumpy chapter, and she just developed a little crush on someone she’s comfortable with and made a big mistake, I‘m perfectly OK chalking it up as a lesson learned and moving forward.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gottaask said:


> It is now.
> 
> The core of this group consists of 5 people (3 guys, 2 women).
> 
> If things are permanently fractured it will impact everyone involved. Since no cheating or anything like that occurred, I’m hoping things can resolved. If they hit bumpy chapter, and she just developed a little crush on someone she’s comfortable with and made a big mistake, I‘m perfectly OK chalking it up as a lesson learned and moving forward.


That would be the best outcome.

I wasn't as close with my friend whose wife invited me to lunch but I thought she grew up and they had grown closer only for her to be caught cheating a couple years ago.

I hope they get some real help for their marriage.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

An attorney is expected to avoid even the APPEARANCE of impropriety. I think that’s a good rule to follow for spouses as well.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

All I meant to say was to give her the benefit of the doubt. But, I don't have experience with cheating or cheaters. I have never cheated and as far as I know, I have never been cheated on. So maybe others, who are knowledgeable about cheating for whatever reason (maybe they have a friend who's cheated, for example), see things in this situation that I didn't see. Anyway, I wish everyone involved in the situation all the best.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Gottaask said:


> Some of you seem stuck on the group text/private text aspect of this…
> 
> To further clarify, all communication is done through the group text because that’s just how things evolved. It started as a way to for everyone to get on the same page while making plans, and eventually just became the primary method of communication. On a subconscious level, I think it also became the norm just to keep things on the up-and-up. Tony has texted me directly when we’ve touched base on grabbing a beer or something, but Angela never has, as we never have a reason to be alone together. The only time I can remember her doing so was when Tony and I were picking up camping supplies, and she wanted to ask him a question but he had left his phone at home. Her direct text was more than an anomaly, it was unprecedented.
> 
> ...


Who told you about their marital problems?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Gottaask said:


> All this has already been addressed. You need to actually read the thread.


FYI...

That is often the problem, here on TAM.

People read a page or two of posts and do not return to the thread until days later.
So, they miss, or forget things or happenings.

Your thread is not unique.
TAM itself seems to know where you last read a post. They track you.

That helps.
That is worrisome!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gottaask said:


> Oh and for those asking I how knew such intimate details of their marriage…
> 
> They told me, in person, while having drinks. We’ve all known each other since we were kids, they’re more than comfortable talking about these things whether it’s in the form of venting, or just asking for advice.


Being a helpful neighborhood barbarian.


SunCMars said:


> Who told you about their marital problems?


Here it is sir Mars.😉


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> I think you were wise to avoid this hot steamy soup delivery.


I might have bit if it was Fresh New England Lobster Bisc


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Jimi007 said:


> I might have bit if it was Fresh New England Lobster Bisc


The sexes are wrong but I like the Princess Fiona and Donkey analogy.

Does Shrek deliver a hot steamy bowl of soup fresh outta the swamp to Donkey because he heard Donkey is sick? Or is that reserved for Princess Fiona?

I wouldn’t deliver a piping hot bowl of creamy soup to one of my sick friends because it would be weird. I would do it for my wife though.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> The sexes are wrong but I like the Princess Fiona and Donkey analogy.
> 
> Does Shrek deliver a hot steamy bowl of soup fresh outta the swamp to Donkey because he heard Donkey is sick? Or is that reserved for Princess Fiona?
> 
> I wouldn’t deliver a piping hot bowl of creamy soup to one of my sick friends because it would be weird. I would do it for my wife though.


My wife interacts with our lady friends, married or not.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Gottaask said:


> Some of you seem stuck on the group text/private text aspect of this…
> 
> To further clarify, all communication is done through the group text because that’s just how things evolved. It started as a way to for everyone to get on the same page while making plans, and eventually just became the primary method of communication. On a subconscious level, I think it also became the norm just to keep things on the up-and-up. Tony has texted me directly when we’ve touched base on grabbing a beer or something, but Angela never has, as we never have a reason to be alone together. The only time I can remember her doing so was when Tony and I were picking up camping supplies, and she wanted to ask him a question but he had left his phone at home. Her direct text was more than an anomaly, it was unprecedented.
> 
> ...


Who told you that? Her? Then this is suspect.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Gottaask said:


> Oh and for those asking I how knew such intimate details of their marriage…
> 
> They told me, in person, while having drinks. We’ve all known each other since we were kids, they’re more than comfortable talking about these things whether it’s in the form of venting, or just asking for advice.


Why do they ask your advice on sex?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Gottaask said:


> Recently got out of a 5 year relationship. She took a job out of state, and I don’t do long distance relationships.


Just curious, you spent 5 years with her and just let her go? Are you at all interested in your friends wife?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

snowbum said:


> . Are you at all interested in your friends wife?


Asked and answered.


Gottaask said:


> I care about her like I would any friend.


Here.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Gottaask said:


> If things are permanently fractured it will impact everyone involved. Since no cheating or anything like that occurred, I’m hoping things can resolved. If they hit bumpy chapter, and she just developed a little crush on someone she’s comfortable with and made a big mistake, I‘m perfectly OK chalking it up as a lesson learned and moving forward.


I'm having my doubts about this being resolvable. Or _should_ be resolvable in the common sense of the word (ie...fight, rugsweep, move on).

If they are having problems and her response is to reach out to someone else? Bad sign. Maybe it was truly innocent but the optics are bad bad bad. She should have talked to Tony first.

I hope they get the help they need to fix it but that's a big character issue that might cause your buddy grief later if it's not _clearly_ resolved now.

Nice job handling this. From my side of the keyboard I think you were spot on in how you handled it.

The whole thing _might_ have been nothing, but the second time moved that needle closer to sus.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rubix Cubed said:


> No vacuum, they were your nasty responses to people trying to help you on a forum that you signed up for 2 days previous asking for help.
> Good onya for telling Tony though. It will be interesting to see if she destroyed all three of your friendships over this.


Don't see issue between him and Tony. He was a friend of the marriage.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

snowbum said:


> Why do they ask your advice on sex?


About marriage issues/difficulties, not sex.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

snowbum said:


> Just curious, you spent 5 years with her and just let her go? Are you at all interested in your friends wife?


If a girl wants to move to another state, that pretty much tells you where you stand with her.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> Don't see issue between him and Tony. He was a friend of the marriage.


 But do you think Tony is going to want the guy his wife is all wet over hanging around? If Tony has half a brain he won't.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Could have been innocent... maybe she wanted your help in setting up a surprise for her husband...

Who knows, as long as _you_ are committed to good morals / judgement... you have nothing to worry about it from my perspective.... if she were to make a move, that is definitely a time to discuss that and make sure the husband knows.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rubix Cubed said:


> But do you think Tony is going to want the guy his wife is all wet over hanging around? If Tony has half a brain he won't.


I'm talking about Tony divorcing, he knows he has a stand up friend in the OP.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)




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## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

Any updates, OP? I was wondering if she wanted to borrow money from you


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## Gottaask (2 mo ago)

Brief update…

I‘ve talked to Tony a few times, he says there’s tension between them and they’re trying to figure out how to move forward. I don’t think either one of them is especially happy in the marriage, but I don’t think their attachment and codependency would allow them to divorce either. 

Angela texted me to apologize for putting me in a weird spot, but other than that haven’t talked to her since this all went down.


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