# Lies lies and more lies



## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

I feel like i am being taken for granted big time in my marriage.We have been together for 7 years married for 3,we have two beautiful boys and a majority of thew time we get on o.k.However my hubby made a big mistake when he went away on holiday and although he reckons he just had a drink and a dance with another woman,he maintained contact with her via a certain social networking website and he deleted the messages when i questioned him after admitting they were 'flirtatious.'

I forgave him,or thought i did,thought we could move on but i feel full of resentment.This isn't the first time hes flirted with other women,and today i find hes still speaking to an ex?whom i believe he was dating when i was pregnant with our eldest(we got together pretty quick and fell pregnant soon after)
On top of that in the beginning there were sneaky texts etc to other girls...all of this has made me feel really insecure and wondering what the hell i am doing??Although he can be lovely he always helps around the house and with the kids and hes always encouraged me to pursue my dream career,i cant help feeling hes taking me for granted....what do i do???

Anyway he went mad at me this morning because he found out i went through his phone and basically said he has nothing to hide and if i have trust issues that's my problem not his...surely he should take some responsibility for my insecurity??


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

Some advice would be great!!!


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

You only have 2 choices because that kind of behavior never changes, it just gets worse. If he doesn't see anything wrong with flirting, & keeping females secret from you, then if he hasn't already, cheating will happen. The only time I've seen this get better is when they get caught, show remorse, ask forgiveness & volunteer his life as an "open book" with phone, computer etc until you can trust him again.
Everyone deserves better than this, but still so many stay? My ex snuck around, lied, cheated & I was in denial until I caught her. She divorced me & I never looked back.
If he doesn't find any fault with what he is doing then your marriage is already over.


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

Thank you for your kind advice Woundedwarrior.It would be so much easier if he was a horrible person but he is a nice guy,that doesn't however change the fact that he is deceitful and secretive.

I suggested marriage counseling to him to which he was like 'you need to sort out your issues'It really hurts that he wont accept his part in the way i am feeling and moreso that he doesn't seem to care....


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

The fact that he is acting like this and it's "your" problem is another huge red flag. Refusing counseling is another, but he couldn't justify his behavior anyway. People that really love their spouse have no need for opposite sex attention from anyone else. This is the biggest double standard, you try mimicking his actions & he would accuse you of sleeping with every guy in town.
Just being a nice guy isn't going to cut it. Acting this way isn't "nice" anyway.


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

Seriously dont know what to do.Tried to speak to him about all my insecurities on our relationship and how i want to forgive him and forget but he doesnt seem to want to try aswell by going to counselling so what do we do??again he blamed it om me its my prob and if i dont want him then fine blah blah blah.I asked him if he wanted to make us work and he said he wasnt sure...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

This is not your fault in any way. Never take blame for this. Your husband is treating you like dirt and you don't deserve this. He is blame shifting this on you because he is guilty. Your husband is showing signs and behavior of being a serial cheater. Dig deeper and see what you find, but do it discreetly. If he is angry your looking through his texts, then he is definitely hiding something. I really would be suspicious if there is time where he is unaccounted for or if he's going out regularly without you. Especially the bar or club. That's one place where married people should not go to without their spouse. Your husband is at the very least disrespecting you by talking and flirting with these women. Investigate quietly to see if this has gone farther.

I personally could not be with a man that flirts with other woman. My first husband is a serial cheater(even so after 19 years after we divorced). The proof was there and I ignored it for a while. Then I finally put two and two together, stopping ignoring the red flags/poor behavior, packed my baby with some clothes and left. I found out soon after that he slept with several women. My husband now would never flirt or talk with other woman, he's very dedicated to the kids and I. 

Good luck.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

The fact that he wasn't sure if he wanted your marriage to work, again says it all. If you have somewhere you can go for awhile, I would leave him but chances are he wouldn't care. I think he has other women to do all his bidding.
Sorry, I think you two are done.


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

He is seriously playing mind games!!!
Now its 'I'm sorry its my fault your feeling that way and i do want us to work?'
Usually I would be like OK i accept your sorry and carry on as if nothings happened...but i know this argument is going to happen again and again and he thinks that just by saying sorry we can forget and move on..but it doesn't solve the underlying issue.Do you think i should give him an ultimatum,counseling or nothing??


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> katie:
> ...i know this argument is going to happen again and again and he thinks that just by saying sorry we can forget and move on..but it doesn't solve the underlying issue.Do you think i should give him an ultimatum,counseling or nothing??


The problem is that marriage counseling will be a TOTAL waste of time unless HE sees the value in it and is willing to go with an open heart, an open mind, a willing spirit. Agreed? How do you know if he IS willing and not just 'placating' you?

Tell him, "Fine. If you want to work it out, then YOU have until NEXT WEEK to get us an appointment with a marriage counselor." Then you, katie, KEEP QUIET. Do NOT bring it up again.

If he engages a marriage counselor by next week (with an appointment within the next 1-3 weeks), then you can expect that HE is serious. He should ALSO schedule the follow-up appointments (not YOU, HIM!) and be open and willing to be honest in the sessions.

If he does NOT hire a marriage counselor by next week, then HE believes he has just let things die down again, as usual, and you will now sit down, shut up, and rug-sweep everything AGAIN until the next time. This will prove he is NOT serious about fixing your relationship.

Then you'll know. Good luck, katie! Remember, you two are modeling behavior for your kids on how to be adults, how to be men/women, husband/wife, team-players, etc.


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

Thank you Slowly getting wiser i will def be following your kind advice!I don't see him doing it but i will ask him to do it...if he doesn't i guess like you say I will be sure he isn't serious about our relationship and salvaging our marriage.

I really hope he does because I stupidly still love him and plus i don't fancy being a single mum,but jeez how much crap do i have to take??

I hear you about the kids learning from us.I worry our 7 year old knows too much already,although we don't argue in front of them kids can pick up on things...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Honestly, the way I look at it...

If you have to hold a gun to a spouse's head and threaten divorce for him/her to take your marriage SERIOUSLY, then what good is your marriage anyway? In my mind, guys who agree to MC at that point just DON'T want the hassle of being single again and having to pay child support. Women who agree to MC at that point just don't want to lose the cushy income and the parental backup.

Those are NOT GOOD REASONS to remain married!

...just my two cents!


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

OK slightly harsh!!
I am by no means wanting to do counseling for a 'cushy income' or parental backup,so I'm not sure where that assumption has come from?or perhaps you meant in general terms.
I want to do it because i want to save my marriage...and I love my husband and our family despite this issue.It now lies with him and i guess if he wants to make it work.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Not you, katie, HIM.

If YOU said, "Marriage Counseling or I'm divorcing you" (an ultimatum), then I would not respect (and I also wouldn't TRUST) a spouse who caved at THAT POINT. THOSE are the people I'm referring to....people who ONLY see value in 'saving' the marriage because it's LESS INCONVENIENT for them than the alternative.

I'm not seeing THOSE spouses as TRULY wanting to save the marriage, TRULY valuing the marriage...they just like it BETTER than divorce. They are NOT respectful of the spouse who is HONESTLY willing to work and improve the marriage. THAT is why I'm against you issuing an "ultimatum"...it won't PROVE he truly VALUES your marriage. Telling him, "This is what you need to do to show the TRUTH of your (heretofore empty) words." is putting the onus on PROVING his intent, his willingness to improve, his understanding of how important your marriage TRULY is RIGHT SQUARE ON HIM where it needs to be...since YOU have already proven its importance to YOU by suggesting counseling to begin with.

Sorry, if I was NOT clear!


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

OK thank you sorry i totally misunderstood what you meant!!
I think your right the move needs to be made by him to prove he wants it to work...
How wrong is it in my head I am like 75% sure he wont do it??
God i must be a doormat....


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

A spouse who acquieses to an ultimatum like 'Marriage Counseling OR We're Divorcing' isn't showing s/he wants to be married; in my mind it just shows s/he doesn't want to be divorced!

There's a HUGE difference!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You're not a doormat, just a woman who would be VERY PLEASED if her husband would STEP UP and be the man she HOPES he is, the man she THOUGHT he is, the man she LOVED when they said "I do". 

The fact that you're 75% sure he WON'T do it doesn't reflect badly on YOU for being a faithless spouse, but on HIM for being UNSUPPORTIVE of your marriage up to this point!

Good luck! I HOPE YOU'RE WRONG! I hope he steps up for YOU and for your KIDS!


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