# Need HELP :.(



## Jfamily (Sep 24, 2012)

I am in a horrible situation, and it is partly my fault. I have been married for 7 years, together for 10. We have 3 children together. I will try to make this as short as I can, but it has been years of problems & bad choices that I am in this situation. Our relationship started off great, but red flags popped up everywhere. Before we were married there was a couple situations that seemed to me that my husband was cheating. The only one with real evidence was he was conversating with a coworker (phone/text), spending time at bars after work with her & other coworkers also. He says nothing happened, I cant really believe that BUT we chose to get married later on & I thought it would be a new beginning. About a year after we got married I suspected he was cheating with his brothers girlfriends best friend (ill call her M) I confronted him, he denyed & all tracks were covered. I could never prove it, even slightly- but I just knew it. Stories didnt add up & it only made sense that he cheated. This woman was around all the time after that, nieces bdays & other family gatherings- it really killed me, but I couldnt do anything. About a year after that- the brother in laws GF (M's-friend) told me that IT HAD HAPPENED. And then a day later took it back saying, she thought it did, but she was wrong-my husband never cheated. I knew it was true though, she only renigged because I was mad that she had this other woman in my house & around my kids knowing that my husband had an affair with her. I tried to forgive my husband but thats really hard when he was just denying & making me feel crazy that I would even think that. After awhile I couldnt take it, I told him I wanted to seperate. I married young & wanted to go out & do my own thing. He said no legal seperation, that I could do an "experiement" & go date others, do my own thing. So I did. I went out with 2 diff guys, one I kissed & then the other I was intimite with... The guy was a lot of fun, always made me laugh, but I did not have love/feelings for him. I told my husband all about it & then he decided he felt "gyped" and wanted to be part of this "experiment" he talked to a couple deff women (all the while Im seeing the other man-) & my husband says he never actually did anything- no kiss, nothing with these women. Ok, so after awhle we stopped experiemnt, I couldnt take being with someone and hiim out with someone, I just wanted to repair our relatinship & move on. The whole 'experiment' lasted about 2 months. We ended up moving out of state & it was going to be a fresh start. After a year, I we decided to have nother baby (our 3rd) and I thought everything wa great, that we had moved past everything & things were how they should be. When my son was 7 weeks old, I found out he had been sexting with a coworker!!!! I was devestated beyond belief. I wanted to leave him, I had given up on everything. Long story short, he tried to redeem himself by coming clean. Said he had never touched this woman, said he felt horrible that I was with another man & he did it because it made him feel wanted & it was nothing.... he also finally came clean about M- said it was true, he had cheated, but was with her only 2xs & cried & felt so bad all these years, did not want to hurt me. Says that was the only time he ever cheated.
I did not want to take him back, but we have 3 children together & he seemed very real with his apology & pain, so I said we would try to work on it, make things right because our relationship had strayed to far I thought we deserved another chance. I felt horrible about what I had done in the past... Well now, 10 months later, I still feel horrible. Wen he calls at work & cuts it short, I feel like there is another woman sitting there with him. I dont think I will ever be able to get rid of that voice in the bck of my mind telling me he is cheating. I dont know what to do. We have conversations that usually end up in a blame game- he always directs it back to me. Any advice? I feel so horible about what I have done, I feel like i deserve it.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

First off you both cheated. Just because your husband gave you permission to "experiment" doesn't mean that you are not at fault here. IMO you guys are equally responsible for the current state of your marriage. The only thing you guys should do now is get a well qualified marriage counselor. recommit to each other and see how things pan out. The other alternative would be divorce.

The bottom line is both of you have been irresponsible and you must work through this together or dissolve this marriage. 

Just my thoughts. I wish you luck.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

i would suggest going to mc and learning how to communicate and or fight nicely see if yall can work things out the reason is that you do not want these issues to surface in your next relationship. If after doing and trying all you can and you still feel as above then go thru the divorce I would want to try everything to save the marriage that way i have no regrets latter on down the road. 

I had an affair for about 6 months on my wife this was over 3 yrs ago she found out during MC and she had a revenge affair 2 wrongs do not make a right anyway we were both set on divorcing we went to mc just to try and before we knew we fell back in love and i moved back home this was over 3 yrs agao and our marriage has never been better in this last june we celebrated 12 yrs of marriage and i am so glad that we tried 

Good Luck


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## Jfamily (Sep 24, 2012)

Thank you exsquid, I know I am guilty too, I guess my problem is I know how I truly feel- that I want our marriage to work, & I am fully capable & have no doubts of myself being commited 100%. Its just with the track record, & recent events, that I question my husbands capabilities. Counseling has been talked about in great lengths with us, we just need to put it in action. Thanks again for your reply.


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## Jfamily (Sep 24, 2012)

Thats very encouraging to hear In_the_wind... I feel like everyday I am thinking about this-&the past, it hurts so much... Do these thoughts go away? Have you moved past that? Does there come a day that you really get over it & can trust fully?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't think that either one of you is mature enough to have a real marriage. And you've brought 3 innocent children into the mess.

Sure, try MC. Maybe it will help you both grow up. If you have your eyes on the prize at all, though, you will keep yourself focused on raising your children with a modicum of good values.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Jfamily said:


> Thats very encouraging to hear In_the_wind... I feel like everyday I am thinking about this-&the past, it hurts so much... Do these thoughts go away? Have you moved past that? Does there come a day that you really get over it & can trust fully?


1. Yes they fade like anything else the hurt goes away as well over time. we stay so busy and are together so much that helps as well for her and for me. we started doing the minimum of 10 hours a week just me and her no kids doing things that we used to do when we first started dating. if you are just watching tv together that doesnt count you have to be out doing things like walking in the park, going to movies, going on dates, going on dates with other couples etc she also got a motorcycle to go riding with me we do that alot it is fun so she took up a hobbie of mine we work out together at home and i am helping her on her master's degree work 
2. Yes i feel i have and so has my spouse trust takes time to rebuild. 
3. I have learned so much about myself and others going thru this process the old saying time heals applys greatly to this type of situation 

I always joke with my guy friends well she was half my age (i just turned 50 this last year) I thought my wife would be impressed that her old man still had it in him to get a girl half his age -i am just joking the saying trust but verify come to mind


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## Jfamily (Sep 24, 2012)

Thank you In_the_wind, you give me hope  I am glad to hear others with similar situations have gone through this & came out stronger & happy. Thanks again & best of luck for your marriage!

Alte Dame- you cannot make me feel worse then I already do, please dont try.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

I imagine his reason for not accepting a divorce when you originally requested it was because he wanted to enjoy the best of both worlds. He had a wife and family at home and he wanted to keep that intact while he had flings with other women. He does not care about you personally or emotionally. He just needs someone to take care of his kids. 

My personal view of your situation is further driven home by the fact that he gave you permission to go out and experiment. Yes, it is possible that he did this out of guilt. But I don't buy this theory. From my experience if a person cheats on their spouse they do it for selfish reasons. They fulfill their own personal selfish needs. I have yet to hear about a cheating husband that really feels that they would be OK with their wife sleeping with another man, as some sort of payback. Even in this case they may say that they would be OK with a revenge affair, but truth be told they are not OK with it. Again they are selfish by nature, they still wouldn't want to share you with anyone else. 

You have to remember at the time of his "permission" statement you had no legitimate proof of an affair and he was not confessing. So, ask yourself a question. How much could this man care about you if he gave you permission to sleep with other men? I could only see him doing this if he had been caught, wanted you back, and would allow you to do whatever you needed to do to even things up before working on your marriage. But this just wasn't the case

This man does not care about you. Yes you both messed up. But the nagging question for me is, who wants their woman to sleep with another man? 

I think you may be better served divorcing this man and focusing your attention on your children for the next few years.


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## Jfamily (Sep 24, 2012)

Exsquid- Im sure he did not "want" me to sleep with someone else. I think he knew the pain I was in, and maybe was just tired of talking about it & covering his tracks & lying so he wanted the "experiment" so I would go out, do whatever & then we wouldnt have to discuss, fight about the past. He probably thought it would end there. But 2 wrongs do not make a right, and we were both stupid. It ended up making him feel as badly as I did before & I guess he wanted to have his revenge. I know we made a horrible mess of our relationship, and of course I cant go back & change the past as much as I would love to. Being young, foolish, selfish, spiteful & hurt didnt help either of us, obviously. Im not looking to find out who is right & wrong, we were both wrong- I just wanted to know if it was possible after all of these horrible things we have done to eachother to really have a marriage that I once thought we had, if these horrible thoughts I have everyday will cease...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Jfamily said:


> Thank you In_the_wind, you give me hope  I am glad to hear others with similar situations have gone through this & came out stronger & happy. Thanks again & best of luck for your marriage!
> 
> Alte Dame- you cannot make me feel worse then I already do, please dont try.


I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I'm pointing out that you have three children who rely on you to have your act together. You seem to know that in your heart and also understand that you and your H have been playing immature games. So, put the games in the background, focus on the kids, be mature, and lead your husband by example. Maybe he'll grow up and join you in taking your family life seriously. You can't drag him to that. All you can do is live up to your responsibilities, which in this case is raising your children in a stable environment. You don't have to join him in making it an unstable drama.


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## Jfamily (Sep 24, 2012)

Thank you, Alte Dame, for your insight. You are right, I should just focus on the most important things in my life, and I cannot drag him along. He will do what he wants, and if its the right thing for me, we will grow together. I am a great mom & my children NEVER see us fight, but I know if I wasnt worried & caught up in all this- I could be an even better mom


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Exsquid said:


> First off you both cheated. Just because your husband gave you permission to "experiment" doesn't mean that you are not at fault here. IMO you guys are equally responsible for the current state of your marriage. The only thing you guys should do now is get a well qualified marriage counselor. recommit to each other and see how things pan out. The other alternative would be divorce.
> 
> The bottom line is both of you have been irresponsible and you must work through this together or dissolve this marriage.
> 
> Just my thoughts. I wish you luck.


Cheating means deception. Having n open relationship was a stupid move to fix the marriage but I don't think she cheated.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Cheating means deception. Having n open relationship was a stupid move to fix the marriage but I don't think she cheated.



You make a valid point but I am sure some would view this as cheating. This not the place to have such a discussion I am sure in another thread this would be a hotly debated question.

I would be curious what the OP thinks. Does she feel that she cheated on her husband? It is possible that she thinks she has? Does her husband view her actions as cheating? Yes he gave her permission but he may still feel she cheated on him. It doesn't matter much what we think. It depends on how the husband and wife view their situation. 

It's also possible that the OP feels her marriage could survive because of the "even score". This of course depends on whether or not the husband has infarct retaliated against her for "evening things up". I don't know. It seems the OP wishes to save her marriage. As is the case with every attempted R, both parties have to be willing to recommit to each other and no one else.

We are really missing his thoughts on this situation. If only the OP is committed to the marriage it will definitely FAIL.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Jfamily - I'm really just talking woman to woman here. You will see as you get older that the pain you feel from your experience with your H is potentially always there. You will discuss this with girlfriends and female family members & you will all tell your war stories and shake your heads knowingly. You will admit that you understand one another, but will probably never understand men. These discussions really go on forever. They will give you some comfort, but won't change the fact that what you have with your SO can be painful and dramatic, just the opposite of comfort some times.

What came to be a constant with my friends was the mantra that we simply couldn't ever 'drop the ball' when it came to our kids; we always had to be strong and 100% there for them. This was the steady thread in all of our lives. As we got older, we came to know that we had to be strong and mature for ourselves as well. And if we could do that, our H's just might respond really well. Many do.

It's fair to say that you and your H will not mature at the same rate. If you can figure out how to do it for yourself and your children, the pain of your marriage will be more manageable. It's not my experience that you can force your H to be on the same page emotionally that you are on. You can grow together & help one another along the way & this would be a happy outcome. It's very possible, but the reality for so many of us is to learn to live with the pain and uncertainty of relationships, try to be decent people ourselves & to be there for our children no matter what.


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## Jfamily (Sep 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Cheating means deception. Having n open relationship was a stupid move to fix the marriage but I don't think she cheated.


At the time, I told myself I was not cheating but all along I knew I was... My heart knew, but anger & hurt took over my mind-really. I am ashamed & digusted :/


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

i get what you are saying. And having sex with someone outside of the marriage for revenge is a stupid decision that you regret. But you did not lie. You did other bad things to damage your marriage(mcuh less than him though) but betrayal or infidelity wasn't one of them since you told him before doing it(you did, right?). He had a choice. You didn't. Atleast that is my opinion.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You didn't cheat but you betrayed yourself, your core values. You never signed for this. You signed monogamy. You lost your way. You first intinct were right, you wanted out, not sure with the sight put on dating inmediately, but you wanted out and told him so. He came across with something you shouldn't accept, that arrangement. You used anger as a fuel to betray yourself, that why you felt bad about it.

You have to heal from self deception on top of his betrayal. I don't tell this to let you off the hook, you shouldn't let yourself even this version (mine) sounds more palatable for you.


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## Jfamily (Sep 24, 2012)

Exsquid said:


> You make a valid point but I am sure some would view this as cheating. This not the place to have such a discussion I am sure in another thread this would be a hotly debated question.
> 
> I would be curious what the OP thinks. Does she feel that she cheated on her husband? It is possible that she thinks she has? Does her husband view her actions as cheating? Yes he gave her permission but he may still feel she cheated on him. It doesn't matter much what we think. It depends on how the husband and wife view their situation.
> 
> ...


I know I cheated. I am not worried about the "score" I just want it to stop, that is not how I want to live my life. He says he does not want to live that life, & has seemed very remorseful- we have had a lot of, IMO deeper conversations- we both have hurt feelings. I know he hurts, and I hurt. We do not have good communication because we are both hurt... I guess it is selfish to say I hurt more, but I do. I feel I didnt start it & wanted to end it longer... At the same time- I feel I deserved it, I knew I was doing wrong. I know that I have to let it all go to really move forward- its just easier said then done when your mind is always wandering. A million things bring up horrible pain- its no way to live.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

I honestly think that the 2 of you need to see a MC. Do you think he is involved with anyone right now? Or do you think it is just the pain from his previous affair that drives you to think he is doing it now?

I suppose it is possible he is remorseful. I suppose it is possible he is ready to continue on in a committed relationship with you. I think only you and your husband can come to the conclusion that you are going to try to make things work. It has to be both of you though. Both people have to be ready to recommit. If you feel he is ready and he feels you are ready, the next step would be independent counseling combined with marriage counseling. This is probably the best thing for you guys at this stage.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Jfamily said:


> I know I cheated. I am not worried about the "score" I just want it to stop, that is not how I want to live my life. He says he does not want to live that life, & has seemed very remorseful- we have had a lot of, IMO deeper conversations- we both have hurt feelings. I know he hurts, and I hurt. We do not have good communication because we are both hurt... I guess it is selfish to say I hurt more, but I do. I feel I didnt start it & wanted to end it longer... At the same time- I feel I deserved it, I knew I was doing wrong. I know that I have to let it all go to really move forward- its just easier said then done when your mind is always wandering. A million things bring up horrible pain- its no way to live.


Ok so now would be a great time to start mc do yall have a local university ?? if so maybe they have a marriage and family dept these are graduate level students who are working on becoming marriage and family counselors they are overseen by local professionals in your area they are young and very helpful and could at least get yall going in the right direction very affordable as well they charge on a sliding scale based upon family income not expensive at all maybe start twice a week and as yall progress they will cut it down to once a week then bi monthly etc for about 6 months to a year start here


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## Jfamily (Sep 24, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Jfamily - I'm really just talking woman to woman here. You will see as you get older that the pain you feel from your experience with your H is potentially always there. You will discuss this with girlfriends and female family members & you will all tell your war stories and shake your heads knowingly. You will admit that you understand one another, but will probably never understand men. These discussions really go on forever. They will give you some comfort, but won't change the fact that what you have with your SO can be painful and dramatic, just the opposite of comfort some times.
> 
> What came to be a constant with my friends was the mantra that we simply couldn't ever 'drop the ball' when it came to our kids; we always had to be strong and 100% there for them. This was the steady thread in all of our lives. As we got older, we came to know that we had to be strong and mature for ourselves as well. And if we could do that, our H's just might respond really well. Many do.
> 
> It's fair to say that you and your H will not mature at the same rate. If you can figure out how to do it for yourself and your children, the pain of your marriage will be more manageable. It's not my experience that you can force your H to be on the same page emotionally that you are on. You can grow together & help one another along the way & this would be a happy outcome. It's very possible, but the reality for so many of us is to learn to live with the pain and uncertainty of relationships, try to be decent people ourselves & to be there for our children no matter what.


Thank you Alte Dame, this is what I needed to hear. I do not talk to any of my family/friends about this... it is a great shame to me.


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## Jfamily (Sep 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> i get what you are saying. And having sex with someone outside of the marriage for revenge is a stupid decision that you regret. But you did not lie. You did other bad things to damage your marriage(mcuh less than him though) but betrayal or infidelity wasn't one of them since you told him before doing it(you did, right?). He had a choice. You didn't. Atleast that is my opinion.


Yes I was honest & told him before, and we quickly had an open relationship as he was permitted to do whatever too- for that short time period. But at the end of the day, he still have every heart wrenching feeling that comes along with an unfaithful spouse. I dont feel that what I did was the same magnitude- but I did the same crime.


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## Jfamily (Sep 24, 2012)

Exsquid said:


> I honestly think that the 2 of you need to see a MC. Do you think he is involved with anyone right now? Or do you think it is just the pain from his previous affair that drives you to think he is doing it now?
> 
> I suppose it is possible he is remorseful. I suppose it is possible he is ready to continue on in a committed relationship with you. I think only you and your husband can come to the conclusion that you are going to try to make things work. It has to be both of you though. Both people have to be ready to recommit. If you feel he is ready and he feels you are ready, the next step would be independent counseling combined with marriage counseling. This is probably the best thing for you guys at this stage.


Yes MC is in our near future, and I do need independent counseling as well. I have a lot of personal issues that has stemmed from this, & problems I will have to learn to deal with. Thanks for your help.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Jfamily said:


> Thank you Alte Dame, this is what I needed to hear. I do not talk to any of my family/friends about this... it is a great shame to me.


Perhaps IC is the better option for you right now. Saying that you feel shame is actually a good thing, I think, and is something to really work with. You can talk about these feelings in confidence with a counselor. 

Try to separate in your mind the person you were when you did the things you're ashamed of from the responsible wife and mother that you want to be. Then just do your best to be the person you want to be now. You can't undo earlier behavior, but you don't have to repeat it or grind your wheels about it forever, esp. if it arose out of youth and immaturity.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Read the first post and this came to mind:


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