# I think my heads been turned



## BIL310

I’ll get straight to the point. Married for 13 years together for 20, two kids. Was out on my works Christmas night out and a girl asked me for my number. 

I was drunk at the time so I said yes without even thinking and probably because the girl was absolutely beautiful. A 10/10. Since then she’s been texting me and sending me pictures asking me to take her out etc.

I told her I’m separated (which I’m not) and have 2 kids. She’s 10 years younger than me. Since then I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s paying me compliments like my wife’s never done and she’s probably one of the best looking women I’ve seen in my life.

It’s two days before Christmas and one minute I was all excited for quality family time and the next my stomachs in knots, and I can’t stop thinking about this girl.

I know it’s wrongs and there’s one thing I should do but my head is all over the place now. I showed her picture to one of my friends and he said I think I love her and I’ve never even met her. 

it’s not going to end well either way this is it.


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## SunCMars

Tell the new lady that you are still married.
Tell the lady that you are sorry 10/10 times.

Don't mess up again.


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## manwithnoname

I'll get straight to the point as well,

do you want to ruin your marriage?


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## SunCMars

Here's the thing. 

You do not know this lady from beans.

She may be a player, looking to score.

As pretty as she is.....she seems awfully fast and aggressive.

Why is that?

She may be between relationships and needs someone to hang with for a while.

I would not trust her for a moment.

And.......

You would risk your marriage and the collapse of your family on this pretty head turner?

Bad JuJu....

Yes, she is.

You are being setup by forces you do not understand.
Did you piss off someone some time ago?

This is classic Karmic action.


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## BIL310

I completely understand what everyone is saying. I’ve been with my wife since I was 17. Basically my whole adult life.

And it’s been a long time since I felt like I do now. It’s like I’m alive again. And I know this girl could be a nutter for all I know. And it’s new shiny object syndrome but without sounding big headed I’ve had numerous chances to cheat in the past and haven’t but this time it’s knocked me for 6.

If I’m being honest if I didn’t have kids I would have split up from wife a while ago.
She probably feels the same way. Although things are ok at the moment.


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## Diana7

So what that she is attractive, you are not free to be with her or even think of being with her. 

You have a wife and 2 children who are depending on you. Who love you. Do you want their lives to be devastated and to break their hearts for a stupid fling? You have made vows to your wife and you have responsibilities. Grow up please. 

Tell her that you are sorry but you are married and committed and block her number. You were stupid to give her your number, and yes, you CAN stop thinking about her, each time she comes into your head, think of your wife and children and be thankful for the good things you have. Don't let any thoughts of her linger. 

I will never understand why people will risk loosing their families for a cheap sordid fling. 

You have a choice, casual sex with someone who matters nothing to you and who you know nothing about, or you wife and children. 
Make that choice now.


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## Andy1001

BIL310 said:


> I completely understand what everyone is saying. I’ve been with my wife since I was 17. Basically my whole adult life.
> 
> And it’s been a long time since I felt like I do now. It’s like I’m alive again. And I know this girl could be a nutter for all I know. And it’s new shiny object syndrome but without sounding big headed I’ve had numerous chances to cheat in the past and haven’t but this time it’s knocked me for 6.
> 
> If I’m being honest if I didn’t have kids I would have split up from wife a while ago.
> She probably feels the same way. Although things are ok at the moment.


Stop rewriting history and trying to justify your feelings for this woman.
You were drunk and thought she was beautiful.
Ever heard of beer goggles?🤓


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## Diana7

BIL310 said:


> I completely understand what everyone is saying. I’ve been with my wife since I was 17. Basically my whole adult life.
> 
> And it’s been a long time since I felt like I do now. It’s like I’m alive again. And I know this girl could be a nutter for all I know. And it’s new shiny object syndrome but without sounding big headed I’ve had numerous chances to cheat in the past and haven’t but this time it’s knocked me for 6.
> 
> If I’m being honest if I didn’t have kids I would have split up from wife a while ago.
> She probably feels the same way. Although things are ok at the moment.


People who want to cheat will always try and claim that their marriage isn't good. The fact is you of have children and they do not need you to blow up their lives. If the marriage isn't good, then work on it like a man. Put your whole focus on your wife and children. .


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## BigToe

BIL310 said:


> it’s not going to end well either way this is it.


Interesting viewpoint.

Good Luck!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

BIL310 said:


> I completely understand what everyone is saying. I’ve been with my wife since I was 17. Basically my whole adult life.
> 
> And it’s been a long time since I felt like I do now. It’s like I’m alive again. And I know this girl could be a nutter for all I know. And it’s new shiny object syndrome but without sounding big headed I’ve had numerous chances to cheat in the past and haven’t but this time it’s knocked me for 6.
> 
> If I’m being honest if I didn’t have kids I would have split up from wife a while ago.
> She probably feels the same way. Although things are ok at the moment.


If you don't "feel alive" in your marriage, work on your marriage. 

New excitement always wears off, and then you're right back where you started, except with a failed marriage, devastated ex, and needlessly traumatized kids. You can do better.


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## MaiChi

Your children are just about to be partly raised by a step dad. 

Confess ASAP and take to beating but you will be forgiven. Hopefully you will see what hurt you will have caused and you will not do it again. If you disrespect your wife once, that's it you will always do it. You are very close to disgracing yourself for almost nothing. 

You will also find it is you who has not been complimenting your wife, so you just getting back your poor investment into your marriage. We grow up being told our husbands are the heads of the home. So we take examples from you guys. If you are poor at certain things your wife will be poor too. it you to blame and not her. 

My two cents Sir. TIOLT


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## sokillme

Spend a few days reading here. Read every post like your wife is writing it about you because if you do, this this is exactly how she will feel. Read it like your kids are writing it about the pain you caused your family. Understand that if you do this you will be no different then all of these folks who do horrible things to people who love them. You as a person will be forever changed. How everyone even your kids think about you will forever change. Eventually how you think about yourself will be forever changed assuming you think of yourself as a person of character. Once a cheater always a cheater, it's a label like others that stick. If that doesn't stop you then divorce your wife.


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## sunsetmist

You are a liar and a cheater--would new, hot, young girl want you if she knew this? Sure, she just walked up and asked for your number with no interaction before hand. What an example you are for your kids! You are regretting settling for your wife at such a young age, too. Read about limerence--I insist.


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## sunsetmist

Past posts suggest you have been wanting out of your marriage for some time. Wife makes more than you, is tired from her stressful job, doesn't pay you enough compliments, needs a drink before sex. Did you follow suggestions 18 months ago to work on your marriage or is that when you started planning your exit?


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## manfromlamancha

Andy1001 said:


> Stop rewriting history and trying to justify your feelings for this woman.
> You were drunk and thought she was beautiful.
> Ever heard of beer goggles?🤓


Yeah! Are you sure that she was really a girl? But jokes aside, stop it, grow up, behave yourself and sort your marriage out one way or another without rewriting its history! Oh and stop going to works dos where spouses and other halves are not invited!


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## SpinyNorman

There are good reasons to bail on a marriage, and there are good reasons to quit a job. But you don't quit your job b/c it's nice outside today, and you don't bail on your marriage b/c a cute girl is flirting with you.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

SpinyNorman said:


> There are good reasons to bail on a marriage, and there are good reasons to quit a job. But you don't quit your job b/c it's nice outside today, and you don't bail on your marriage b/c a cute girl is flirting with you.


A very apt analogy.


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## Married but Happy

If something like this happened to me during my first marriage, I'd be very tempted. My first marriage was a disaster, and should have ended far sooner. Whatever! Not right, of course, but when opportunity knocks .... This time, no one could tempt me. Anyway, think very carefully about what you have to lose, which is a known quantity, vs. what you might gain, which is completely speculative and unknown, and also involves hurting your wife and children. Could anyone be worth that price? (In my first marriage, yeah, it might have been worth the risks for me, but not now, as I'm in a great relationship.) Enjoy that someone finds you attractive, but cut it off there - unless you're ready to divorce anyway.


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## BluesPower

Listen brother, I am going to be completely straight. 

First off, you are what 33? 31? something like that. 

I am going to be completely honest with you, you are a beginner. You are not ready for this. 

You have been with the same woman for 17 years, you want to get some strange. I get it. 

But don't lie to yourself and rewrite you marriage history. You are bored with your marriage, and you got hit on. Let me tell you something, you know nothing about this woman, nothing, and she could be completely insane, married, whatever. But she is not your soul mate. 

Now, if your marriage has problems, then man up and work on it, and if that does not work the look at divorce. But don't do this. You really have no idea what you are getting into. 

If you really want to see where your wife is with your marriage, tell her about this crap and see what she says. Fact is, she is probably as bored as you are. She may have a lover of her own. 

The thing is, be a man, do the right thing. Tell you wife what has happened, and let her know your marriage is in danger, you are not really happy, and lets work on it. 

Ghost the chick, and forget her. If you cannot fix your marriage, there will be plenty more out there when you are free. 

Come on man, do the right thing...


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## Diana7

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> If you don't "feel alive" in your marriage, work on your marriage.
> 
> New excitement always wears off, and then you're right back where you started, except with a failed marriage, devastated ex, and needlessly traumatized kids. You can do better.


Absolutely, that 'feel alive' feeling in this case is just lust. Real true love is far deeper than that. 

I can see an absolute train wreck if the op doesn't stop contact immediately. I often despair at how some men will act with a pretty woman. Its so immature, sort of how a 15 year old would act. So weak and pathetic. I often despair at how some men will act around a pretty woman, and that some go so easily into the web and are so ready to deeply hurt and betray those who they claim to love. :frown2:


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## Diana7

manfromlamancha said:


> Yeah! Are you sure that she was really a girl? But jokes aside, stop it, grow up, behave yourself and sort your marriage out one way or another without rewriting its history! Oh and stop going to works dos where spouses and other halves are not invited!


Absolutely, those work dos can be a disaster. :surprise:


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## She'sStillGotIt

BIL310 said:


> I told her I’m separated (which I’m not) and have 2 kids. She’s 10 years younger than me. Since then I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s paying me compliments like my wife’s never done and she’s probably one of the best looking women I’ve seen in my life.


That's just the epitome of scummy when a married man LIES to a woman about his marital status because he wants to trick her into getting laid. Some men just have no problem stooping to pig behavior when they see an opportunity to get themselves a piece of ass.

Look, this younger woman did nothing wrong by showing interest in you - she did *nothing* wrong. It was up to YOU to not be a scumbag and tell her the *truth* about you being married and to do the right thing. But your little head was doing all your thinking for you because getting that strange piece of tail is is apparently worth CONNING and deceiving an innocent women into thinking you're available. So of course, you stooped to that level. 

Sorry, but you just dug a crawlspace *under *your lowest point in life. I truly hope this woman finds out exactly what you *really* are and goes right to your wife and tells her. I really do.

I'm not going to waste my time telling you to work on your marriage and all that nonsense because it's very apparent you married too young and *NOTHING* is going to magically take away your driving need to get yourself some strange. One doesn't have to be a damned genius to figure _that_ out.

Be done with your marriage and admit that you've both grown apart. Jesus, man the hell up and show these women more respect than you're showing your own damned genitals.


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## MaiChi

Marriages do not just break down on their own. We break them ourselves then we start describing the marriage as a separate entity from us, and listing things that are bad with it almost as if we had no contribution to what might have gone wrong. A marriage cannot enact itself and once enacted, it cannot destroy itself. It also cannot make itself a happy marriage. I grew up on a farm and I know that if you do not look after your crops or your animals, you will not make any profit. A marriage is the same. Make your spuse happy and you get happiness back. Communicate at your spouse's level and you get back communication at some level. 

Talking about bailing out every time someone smiles at you is not the stuff that marriages are made of. Remember a marriage is the unity of two people whose family backgrounds are uniquely different. If you both do not make an effort to have a common family experience, you both default into your original family experiences which do not match. 

What I understood to happen to children from broken homes (I spent years volunteering at marriage guidance called Relate) causes me to do my best to keep my family together.


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## AVR1962

Who doesn't want to feel amazing because this beautiful person is interested and paying attention? The head spins with new feelings and emotions BUT that is temporary in ANY relationship. Our brain does a mean trick on us and showers us with these doped up feelings towards a new attraction, what we term as "in love." for men it takes 3-6 months for that feeling to leave, women usually a bit longer. Once those rose colored glasses come off then you actually see this person for who they really are. You honestly think this person is without faults? No one is flawless! 

Let me give you a bigger picture.....you chase this lady and give into the fantasy that is playing out in your head, you ruin your marriage, divorce and end up paying child support to your wife, she moves on and remarries and your children are then being raised by a step father. Two years down the road you realize that things are not really all that great with this new lady.....she either spends too much time at the spa keeping up her good looks, or she expects you to pay the bill for all her upgrades and living expenses, you also realize that 10 years is a generation difference and what she is interested in is not exactly your interests. Hard feelings and distance creeps in. Do you start all over again? 

Be upfront with this girl, tell her you had too much to drink, that she is attractive but that you are married and apologize for letting it go this far and then block all contact.


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## Spicy

Sit your kids down and explain to them that while dad was celebrating the birth of Jesus by getting drunk, he met a pretty stranger that made mommy and them no longer very important to him because the stranger was sooooooo hooootttttttt that now you want to put them through the hell of divorce and only seeing them for half of the rest of their childhood.

When they seem very upset, say, “But she is supppperrr hot you guys, even my friends think so!” It should work out fine then. As long as everyone understands how hot she is.


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## Handy

Tell the new woman you just made up with your W and tell her not to contact you anymore.


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## uhtred

What is broken in your current marriage?

Its really easy to be tempted by someone who shows an interest in you. The think is, you know almost nothing about this woman so your mind fills in all the blanks our of your fantasy. Reality is unlikely to be nearly so exciting.


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## happyhusband0005

BluesPower said:


> Listen brother, I am going to be completely straight.
> 
> First off, you are what 33? 31? something like that.
> 
> I am going to be completely honest with you, you are a beginner. You are not ready for this.
> 
> You have been with the same woman for 17 years, you want to get some strange. I get it.
> 
> But don't lie to yourself and rewrite you marriage history. You are bored with your marriage, and you got hit on. Let me tell you something, you know nothing about this woman, nothing, and she could be completely insane, married, whatever. But she is not your soul mate.
> 
> Now, if your marriage has problems, then man up and work on it, and if that does not work the look at divorce. But don't do this. You really have no idea what you are getting into.
> 
> If you really want to see where your wife is with your marriage, tell her about this crap and see what she says. Fact is, she is probably as bored as you are. She may have a lover of her own.
> 
> The thing is, be a man, do the right thing. Tell you wife what has happened, and let her know your marriage is in danger, you are not really happy, and lets work on it.
> 
> Ghost the chick, and forget her. If you cannot fix your marriage, there will be plenty more out there when you are free.
> 
> Come on man, do the right thing...



^^^^ Read this, absorb it. Then stop being a complete douche. Infatuation happens, anyone who has been married for 10 years or more has run across temptation at one point or another. If you have character it's easy to put it out of your mind. 

Having temptation is fine but you need to solidify in your brain that giving into it is simply not an option.


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## Ozymandius

This happened to me a couple of months ago... My head was turned and I followed... and nearly lost everything good in my life... for flattery and fantasy... i convinced myself that I was ready to throw away an amazing woman... Why? Reality was that I had checked out of my side of the marriage... And I convinced myself that life with my AP would be so much better... I believed my own lies... So, Stop. Just stop before you throw away everything... I have had no contact with my AP for only six weeks and already the feelings for her... from the flattery that I was addicted to... are now mostly gone, I have been fortunate to have been allowed to reconcile with my wife and my feelings for her have grown and I believe we have a chance... In spite of my betrayal she is allowing me to do the work of becoming trustworthy again... 

The 'rush' of an affair screws up your thinking and only delays the pain you will feel as you take responsibility for the pain you have caused...


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## [email protected]

Diana7 is right. Whatever you are planning, don't do it!


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## Inside_Looking_Out

Your story makes my blood run cold. Your wife is laying in bed beside you while you think about another person. Your wife is making plans for the future, thinking about dates she would like to go on with you, wondering what you would like for dinner...all while you think about a hot girl that has turned your head. 

You are wasting her time. And to me...that is the most egregious you can do to another person. It has been done to me, so I guess that makes me pretty biased. It also makes me fully aware of what your wife will go through once she finds out about you. And she will. She will start to notice that you are not as attentive, that you look at her with a certain look of disdain, that you are preoccupied with your phone. And she will figure out that you are a self centered child that is more worried about feeling young again instead of thinking about how you can be that for your wife. 

Maybe your wife wants to feel young again...maybe she wishes that you would make her heart go pitter patter once again. Maybe she wishes you would treat her like you can't stand to be away from her and that the mere thought of her sends you into desire and lust. But there is no way you will ever do that for her, because you are too worried about another woman. 

And if you don't think you can ever be that for your wife again, or she can never be that again for you...well then, grow up, be a ****ing man and stop wasting her time and what's left of her youth that she hasn't already given to you. Let her go, tell her that you don't want her anymore, and let her go on and find some man that will be all that for her. Why do you get to chase that feeling and she doesn't?


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## In Absentia

I can relate to that... it's a nice feeling being wanted by a beautiful young woman, especially when your marriage is not going well. But if that's the case, you should really try and fix it. It's not fair on your wife and your kids. Or go for it and accept the consequences: divorce.


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## Diana7

In Absentia said:


> I can relate to that... it's a nice feeling being wanted by a beautiful young woman, especially when your marriage is not going well. But if that's the case, you should really try and fix it. It's not fair on your wife and your kids. Or go for it and accept the consequences: divorce.


Yes, and life is full of all sorts of temptations isn't it. That's when it shows up whether we have character and self control and integrity. '


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## In Absentia

Diana7 said:


> Yes, and life is full of all sorts of temptations isn't it. That's when it shows up whether we have character and self control and integrity. '


it really depends if he is till in love with his wife or not. If he is not, then he should do the decent thing and divorce her. Then he can start dating again. The fact that he is very tempted means one thing to me: he doesn't love his wife, otherwise he would not contemplate cheating...


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## waynejoey

TL;DR

You're living your life setting yourself up for failure and putting yourself in a position to "feel the knots".

You shouldn't be drunk at a bar (or drunk at all) and you should cleave to your wife. This will prevent temptation from creeping in, otherwise you leave the door wide open for satan.

You think that sleeping with this hot woman will be fulfilling but in the long run it will make you miserable. Most people don't understand that when they can't see the forest through the trees. To get started in the right direction you may just have to stubbornly take the high road. Over time you'll look back and go "wow, what did I see in that sinful situation".

Now go forth and be a righteous man; the most attractive kind of man that there is both for yourself and your kids.


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## frusdil

She is shiny and new, and mysterious because lets face it, you didn't even know this girl existed until she gave you her number. A long marriage cannot compete with this. It's like comparing apples and oranges.

End ALL contact with the girl, even if you have to change jobs, do it. NOTHING is worth what will happen, if you continue on this slippery slope my friend. You are married. You have NO BUSINESS doing this.

You can't control your feelings, I get that - but you CAN control whether you act on them or not.

This is a wake up call for your marriage. Slap yourself across the face, go online and book a weekend away for you and your wife. Reconnect.

And remember your marriage vows - especially the "May you retain the strength you will need to keep the promises you have made" part.


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## VladDracul

BIL310 said:


> it’s not going to end well either way this is it.


Take my word for it Dawg, you don't have what it takes to have an affair and not get your azz kicked nine ways to Sunday. If you want to bang this chick go ahead and try but be prepared to pay the piper a heavy price. In other words, these two women will grind you to powder.


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## Beach123

BIL310 said:


> I completely understand what everyone is saying. I’ve been with my wife since I was 17. Basically my whole adult life.
> 
> And it’s been a long time since I felt like I do now. It’s like I’m alive again. And I know this girl could be a nutter for all I know. And it’s new shiny object syndrome but without sounding big headed I’ve had numerous chances to cheat in the past and haven’t but this time it’s knocked me for 6.
> 
> If I’m being honest if I didn’t have kids I would have split up from wife a while ago.
> She probably feels the same way. Although things are ok at the moment.


But things aren’t ok are they? ...mainly because you’ve lied about being married and are considering blowing up your family by cheating.

Get professional help. Get honest too. Tell your wife you’ve considered the other woman.

See if you can possibly improve your marriage by owning the way you’ve participated and see if you can change to improve the marriage.

If you can’t then divorce. Divorce and then date someone when you are no longer married.

Proper order is key.


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## MattMatt

BIL310 said:


> I’ll get straight to the point. Married for 13 years together for 20, two kids. Was out on my works Christmas night out and a girl asked me for my number.
> 
> I was drunk at the time so I said yes without even thinking and probably because the girl was absolutely beautiful. A 10/10. Since then she’s been texting me and sending me pictures asking me to take her out etc.
> 
> I told her I’m separated (which I’m not) and have 2 kids. She’s 10 years younger than me. Since then I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s paying me compliments like my wife’s never done and she’s probably one of the best looking women I’ve seen in my life.
> 
> It’s two days before Christmas and one minute I was all excited for quality family time and the next my stomachs in knots, and I can’t stop thinking about this girl.
> 
> I know it’s wrongs and there’s one thing I should do but my head is all over the place now. I showed her picture to one of my friends and he said I think I love her and I’ve never even met her.
> 
> *it’s not going to end well either way this is it.*


No. It won't.

Fix it.


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## regretfullyhis

My husband and I read your post and wanted to suggest something but couldn’t private message you and he didn’t want his message posted from something from his past that’s embarrassing although thisbisbmy account. Didn’t know if there was a way to send something to you if you care to hear. We aren’t trying to bash you for your post at all it’s a suggestion to help you and your wife together not trying to encourage you to step outside of your relationship. Hope it is ok to ask. Thanks


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## Adelais

You told her you are separated. Wow. You are lying to your wife, and you lied to the new gal.

There recently was another thread here about a guy who lied to a woman about being divorced. She got pregnant and he broke up with her and went back to his wife. The wife and the woman were devastated to learn the truth. The OW refused to get an abortion, which the cheating husband and his wife desperately wanted her to do thinking it would make the affair go away. But even an abortion would never change the fact that he had cheated on his wife and lied to the OW.

Some people are selfish scoundrels.

Stop it right now. You're flattered that a younger woman would pay attention to you. You now are trying to convince yourself that you are 'all that and then some' and that your wife doesn't deserve you.

Yea, she doesn't deserve to be treated with disrespect. She is devoted to you, she had children with you, and has been faithful. If you are such a piece of scum, divorce your wife, and then start dating. Otherwise, get your head on straight and stop this nonsense before you ruin everyone's lives.


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## MattMatt

waynejoey said:


> TL;DR
> 
> You're living your life setting yourself up for failure and putting yourself in a position to "feel the knots".
> 
> You shouldn't be drunk at a bar (or drunk at all) and you should cleave to your wife. This will prevent temptation from creeping in, otherwise you leave the door wide open for satan.
> 
> You think that sleeping with this hot woman will be fulfilling but in the long run it will make you miserable. Most people don't understand that when they can't see the forest through the trees. To get started in the right direction you may just have to stubbornly take the high road. Over time you'll look back and go "wow, what did I see in that sinful situation".
> 
> Now go forth and be a righteous man; the most attractive kind of man that there is both for yourself and your kids.


People should not ever be drunk?

Sorry. You must be here in error. This is Talk About Marriage not a meeting of the Carrie Nation Memorial Prohibition League.

If you wish to talk religion please use the appropriate section of the site the Politics and Religion sub forum.


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## Diana7

MattMatt said:


> People should not ever be drunk?
> 
> Sorry. You must be here in error. This is Talk About Marriage not a meeting of the Carrie Nation Memorial Prohibition League.
> 
> If you wish to talk religion please use the appropriate section of the site the Politics and Religion sub forum.


I didn't think that Christians weren't allowed to give advise as you and others do. 
I have to agree that getting drunk at a bar when you are out without your spouse is a bad idea. So many people do the most stupid things when they are drunk(as the op did) and they often regret it after wards.


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## MattMatt

Diana7 said:


> I didn't think that Christians weren't allowed to give advise as you and others do.
> I have to agree that getting drunk at a bar when you are out without your spouse is a bad idea. So many people do the most stupid things when they are drunk(as the op did) and they often regret it after wards.


 @Diana7 people (of any or of no faith) are not allowed to preach on TAM.

There is a section for religious topics to be debated. This is not it.

I am also a Christian but I try to abide by the rules of this privately owned website and I do not proselytise here because that would detract from the ethos of this board.

If you wish to start a thread on religiously based advice, please do so, but in the appropriate section of TAM.


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## Diana7

MattMatt said:


> @Diana7 people (of any or of no faith) are not allowed to preach on TAM.
> 
> There is a section for religious topics to be debated. This is not it.
> 
> I am also a Christian but I try to abide by the rules of this privately owned website and I do not proselytise here because that would detract from the ethos of this board.
> 
> If you wish to start a thread on religiously based advice, please do so, but in the appropriate section of TAM.


I didn't see any preaching, just good advice.


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## MattMatt

Diana7 said:


> I didn't see any preaching, just good advice.


*Speaking as a moderator*
@Diana7 This is not open to debate.

He preached.


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## 269370

BIL310 said:


> I’ll get straight to the point. Married for 13 years together for 20, two kids. Was out on my works Christmas night out and a girl asked me for my number.
> 
> I was drunk at the time so I said yes without even thinking and probably because the girl was absolutely beautiful. A 10/10. Since then she’s been texting me and sending me pictures asking me to take her out etc.
> 
> I told her I’m separated (which I’m not) and have 2 kids. She’s 10 years younger than me. Since then I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s paying me compliments like my wife’s never done and she’s probably one of the best looking women I’ve seen in my life.
> 
> It’s two days before Christmas and one minute I was all excited for quality family time and the next my stomachs in knots, and I can’t stop thinking about this girl.
> 
> I know it’s wrongs and there’s one thing I should do but my head is all over the place now. I showed her picture to one of my friends and he said I think I love her and I’ve never even met her.
> 
> it’s not going to end well either way this is it.




Sounds like you are unhappy in your marriage.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370

BIL310 said:


> If I’m being honest if I didn’t have kids I would have split up from wife a while ago.



Yeah, that’s what I thought...
This is how it works: if your marriage is fine, you meet a nice girl and she comes onto you, you take it as a compliment and that’s about it.
If you are miserable, then you unintentionally look for ways to escape.
It’s very unlikely that a girl that magically drops into your lap is ‘love of your life’.
You need to think long and hard before you do anything and evaluate your marriage/family.
It might not be worth ruining something that could still be fixed.
You’ll get over the girl pretty quickly - it’s just momentary insanity. Can happen to anyone.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

OP,

Dude, listen to the team here.

At this point if you don't make a choice on what you want to happen in your life; work on improving your marriage and enjoy the fruits of that endeavor or man up and divorce. 

If you love the girl you married at all but no longer want to be married give her the respect and courtesy of divorcing soon. She deserves a loving relationship in her life too.

Or, with your current waffling, the decision will be made for you.
Something unpleasant will happen that will force your hand.


----------



## BIL310

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond. Unfortunately i didn't take any of it. I carried on texting and flirting with this new women and eventually ended up meeting her in a hotel. My wife found out and visited the room and found her naked and me semi naked.

I know what everyone is going to say, i deserved it. And you're right i did. I thought i was the big i am and now i've shattered my Wife and kids lives aswell as my own. I've lost everything. There's zero chance she's going to forgive me for this but some of the posters are correct in the sense if i was happily married it wouldn't have gotten this far.

I'm absolutely devastated and have made the biggest mistake ever in my life. We have tried talking about how i've felt before and didn't really get far but i should have sat down and discussed things with my wife instead of making the stupid decision i have.
I'm never going to be able to make it up to them so i've just got to try and man up and get through it.

I've been a stupid selfish you know what and i hate myself for it.


----------



## BIL310

I'd just like to say something else, and this isn't to try and deflect or justify why i've done what i've done.

Around 7-8 years ago my Wife went on a girls holiday to Spain. I became aware when she came back how she was always typing away on her phone and knew something was up. Anyway whilst she was downstairs on the couch i went upstairs and looked through her phone. She'd met someone in Spain and was texting him back and forth. I also logged onto her phone account and seen a lot of phone calls between them. I wondered why every time i'd try to call her the phone was engaged.

I also checked her phone search history, she'd googled halfway between our city and the place where this man was from.

I confronted her as she was sitting downstairs whitening her teeth on the couch. She admitted she'd drunkenly kissed a man in Spain and had been stupidly ringing and texting. Swore nothing else happened and said that was going to be the end of it. I was absolutely devastated. I called my mum the next day and sobbed on the phone. Our youngest son was just over 1 at the time.
She said she'd never have gone through with meeting him. Yeh right, you're sitting on the couch whitening your teeth for someone you're not going to meet. I'm not even 100% sure she didn't sleep with him in Spain. Only she knows that. 

I got this mans number from the phone records (as she wouldn't give it to me) and told him what i was going to do to him if he ever contacted my Wife again. 

Anyway within so many days i decided to forgive her and although it took a while for me to get over, i never brought it up again. 
Two wrongs don't make a right but apart from going the extra step and meeting the woman in the hotel (and by the way i didn't sleep with her, i was so nervous i don't think i could have gone through it, i just sat there drinking more and more alcohol). 
My Wife is saying she'd never have gone to the hotel, but thats only because i caught her out.

If i'd have divorced her there and then she'd be in exactly the same position i am now. And she's going to her friends house tonight to discuss this with 2 women who i know have slept behind their husbands backs. So i'm not having it's only men who do this sort of thing.
Texting another man/woman whilst married, googling half way between houses. Is a form of cheating. Not to mention actually admitting to kissing this man in Spain.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

BIL310 said:


> Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond. Unfortunately i didn't take any of it. I carried on texting and flirting with this new women and eventually ended up meeting her in a hotel. My wife found out and visited the room and found her naked and me semi naked.
> 
> I know what everyone is going to say, i deserved it. And you're right i did. I thought i was the big i am and now i've shattered my Wife and kids lives aswell as my own. I've lost everything. There's zero chance she's going to forgive me for this *but some of the posters are correct in the sense if i was happily married it wouldn't have gotten this far.*
> 
> I'm absolutely devastated and have made the biggest mistake ever in my life. We have tried talking about how i've felt before and didn't really get far but i should have sat down and discussed things with my wife instead of making the stupid decision i have.
> I'm never going to be able to make it up to them so i've just got to try and man up and get through it.
> 
> I've been a stupid selfish you know what and i hate myself for it.


Bullcrap. Dont EVEN pull out this lame-ass excuse. If you werent happy in your marriage then you should have ended it. I for one dont feel a damn bit sorry for you, pathetic that you were so easily swayed.


----------



## Diana7

Stop trying to justify what you did, by saying that you think 'maybe' that she cheated as well. 

There are consequences and now you are facing them. I hope she was worth destroying your families lives.


----------



## Anon Ten

Let me be frank. I smell a troll.


----------



## Mr.Married

Overly critical statement removed .....


----------



## Rubix Cubed

You were warned repeatedly. If this is real, you are your own worst enemy and have no self-control. You're just along for the ride now. Buckle up.


----------



## BluesPower

Diana7 said:


> Stop trying to justify what you did, by saying that you think 'maybe' that she cheated as well.
> 
> There are consequences and now you are facing them. I hope she was worth destroying your families lives.


 @Diana7, and others, based on his description, she cheated. 

What OP does not know, is, it was physical, every bit of it. It is too standard for it not to be. 

And, OP, even though you were in denial about her cheating, none of that excuses what you did. And it never will. 

What you should have done through all of this, when you caught her cheating, was be a man then and divorced her. But you wanted to be in denial of that... just like you wanted to be in denial about what you have done. 

NOTHING excuses infidelity, nothing. She was a POS, for sleeping around, just like you are. 

So now you get to deal with what you have done, regardless of what she did in the past...

Welcome to the world of pain and misery that comes from bad, and stupid decisions...


----------



## sokillme

BluesPower said:


> @Diana7, and others, based on his description, she cheated.
> 
> What OP does not know, is, it was physical, every bit of it. I is too standard for it not to be.
> 
> And, OP, even though you were in denial about her cheating, none of that excuses what you did. And it never will.
> 
> What you should have done through all of this, when you caught her cheating, was be a man then and divorced her. But you wanted to be in denial of that... just like you wanted to be in denial about what you have done.
> 
> NOTHING excuses infidelity, nothing. She was a POS, for sleeping around, just like you are.
> 
> So now you get to deal with what you have done, regardless of what she did in the past...
> 
> Welcome to the world of pain and misery that comes from bad, and stupid decisions...


Yeah this is a problem of assertiveness as much as anything else.

You didn't even tell us the full story until after the fact. Some of us would have given you different advice.


----------



## BIL310

Anon Ten said:


> Let me be frank. I smell a troll.


I wouldn’t be applying for the police as a sniffer dog because you couldn’t be any more wrong.

I don’t want any sympathy if anyone. I know what I’ve done and what I’ve got to live with.


----------



## BIL310

sokillme said:


> BluesPower said:
> 
> 
> 
> @Diana7, and others, based on his description, she cheated.
> 
> What OP does not know, is, it was physical, every bit of it. I is too standard for it not to be.
> 
> And, OP, even though you were in denial about her cheating, none of that excuses what you did. And it never will.
> 
> What you should have done through all of this, when you caught her cheating, was be a man then and divorced her. But you wanted to be in denial of that... just like you wanted to be in denial about what you have done.
> 
> NOTHING excuses infidelity, nothing. She was a POS, for sleeping around, just like you are.
> 
> So now you get to deal with what you have done, regardless of what she did in the past...
> 
> Welcome to the world of pain and misery that comes from bad, and stupid decisions...
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah this is a problem of assertiveness as much as anything else.
> 
> You didn't even tell us the full story until after the fact. Some of us would have given you different advice.
Click to expand...

What other advice would have been given? To be honest I’d put that whole episode to the back of my mind for years. It’s only what I’ve done that’s brought it all back up.


----------



## personofinterest

Bravo, OP. All you had to do was toss out a supposed maybe affair by your wise, and all the usual suspects stopped focusing on you.

Blaming the wife....the ultimate opiate lol


----------



## Blondilocks

How did your wife find out? Does your wife want a divorce?


----------



## BIL310

Blondilocks said:


> How did your wife find out? Does your wife want a divorce?


She found a hotel booking on my computer, then turned up at the hotel. Yes she wants a divorce. She's very angry at the moment which is very understandable. It was only Wednesday just gone.


----------



## BIL310

personofinterest said:


> Bravo, OP. All you had to do was toss out a supposed maybe affair by your wise, and all the usual suspects stopped focusing on you.
> 
> Blaming the wife....the ultimate opiate lol


Haven't blamed my wife at all. I know its 100% my fault. We've made 1 mistake each.


----------



## BIL310

BluesPower said:


> @Diana7, and others, based on his description, she cheated.
> 
> What OP does not know, is, it was physical, every bit of it. It is too standard for it not to be.
> 
> And, OP, even though you were in denial about her cheating, none of that excuses what you did. And it never will.
> 
> What you should have done through all of this, when you caught her cheating, was be a man then and divorced her. But you wanted to be in denial of that... just like you wanted to be in denial about what you have done.
> 
> NOTHING excuses infidelity, nothing. She was a POS, for sleeping around, just like you are.
> 
> So now you get to deal with what you have done, regardless of what she did in the past...
> 
> Welcome to the world of pain and misery that comes from bad, and stupid decisions...


Yes i'm not justifying any of it. And i should have maybe ended it at that time but i loved her and we've had 7 relatively good years since. I'm also facing bankruptcy at the moment and the stress has nearly killed me. I'm not been myself for a while and everything has just snowballed. Again though all my fault.


----------



## BIL310

Mr.Married said:


> Ha ha ha ha ...... I hope you hate looking in the mirror you pig.


Not really. I was unhappy in my marriage and instead of leaving i made a mistake when a pretty girl showed me attention. I won't be the first or the last. I've got to learn to live with this decision for ever. And the first step in that is going to be at some point forgiving myself. Which is not where i'm at the moment but obviously but in time i will be.


----------



## sokillme

BIL310 said:


> What other advice would have been given? To be honest I’d put that whole episode to the back of my mind for years. It’s only what I’ve done that’s brought it all back up.


I would suggest you decide what is this really about what's going on? For the most part I don't think affairs are about this great love or even lust. Do you feel lust sure, but assuming you are not a sociopath if you really love and care for the person you are with you still don't act on the lust. Or maybe for some the risk is not worth the action, but if you are unhappy the risk doesn't seem as great. You usually understand it after all is lost. You can work on the thing that is making you miserable and you will once again understand what you have to lose. 

The thing is, if there is something not right with you then you act. Sometimes like in your case the thing that isn't right is the fact that your wife had some sort of affair years ago. If that was the case I would have suggested you tell you wife how unhappy you are. How unfair you think it all is and how you are thinking it may just be a deal breaker years later. I am convinced that at least part of the unhappiness is the feeling of losing ones agency in ones life. If you don't deal with these issues and there is no justice at all (though there will never be true justice) it just festers. Just the act of saying, this sucks and you (your cheating spouse) are not really that great a deal, would have helped that. Maybe SHE would have worked to try to fix it better at least to the point you could live with it. By the way this is one of the big reasons I am mostly against staying together once there is cheating. The marriage will always have a big crack in it, you never know how eventually that crack might brake it in two. 

I would have also had you go to a lawyer and figure out your options again this is about agency and taking control of your life. It's a much better way to empower yourself. Then if you can work it out I would have suggested you divorce. 

Part of you wanderlust was probably because you were trying to find a way to empower yourself, but having an affair doesn't really do that. It's a terrible thing to do to someone else. Now you have to live with it. There are healthy ways to empower yourself though. 

The other thing that you and people who stay get wrong, in unfair marriages where they rug sweep affairs, the feeling seems to be that the relationship is priceless or some sort of miracle. The obvious reason why this is a bad way to think is if your spouse cheats on you it's obvious that they don't think it's priceless. It seems silly for only one person to think this way and even more so, to act this way. Plus that puts you at a terrible disadvantage in your relationship. Plus it's not true, it's just a mediocre marriage with a crappy person. There are probably thousands of people out there that you could have a better happier life with at that point. Now maybe you will still want to stay, but at least if you get this you are both on a level playing field. Romanticizing the person you are married to especially when they cheat is a major mistake. 

The other reason people stay is because of fear anytime that is the case it needs to be worked on and overcome. There have been people on here who who have very bad marriages with abusive people and a few months of just talking about that they get how foolish they were to think they were soulmates. Just takes some empowerment. Show me a marriage where one partner cheated and 95% of the time the person who was cheated on is settling. It's not just the cheating it's the entire mentality of the cheater. People who can cheat don't make good spouses, period. That can change but the cheater has to do the hard work. Sounds like you guys did nothing. (By the way everything I am saying now would fit advice I would give your wife about you, now) 

As it stands now I think your marriage has become toxic. You both would probably be better of moving on. But at least now you have both gotten your pound of flesh. Who know maybe she will get over it. I think you both need to talk about all of this. Whenever someone steps out on their marriage they start to destroy it. By the way I am not excusing what you did. Read the first response I gave to you, that still stands.

Oh and I forgot the women you cheated with was innocent, now she will have to live with the fact that she was brought into someones else's marriage. The fact that you could do that shows you had no feelings for this women what so ever, she was just a object to get off with. You probably think of yourself as a good person who made a mistake but since you hurt an innocent person for purely selfish reasons thinking of yourself that way should stop now. Someone called you a pig, seems about right. Gross.


----------



## sunsetmist

If I remember correctly, you told new, young, hot girl that you were separated. Was she surprised when your wife showed up? Like you said in the beginning, "This is not going to end well." So you knew from the beginning where you were going. Shame you didn't divorce first.

Just so you know, this was not a mistake, but a choice. You've been holding her flirtation years ago in abeyance waiting for your opportunity to get some more strange. Also, there was sexual interaction, maybe just not PIV yet. Who knows how many times you have strayed. I'd say good riddance if I were she.


----------



## personofinterest

BIL310 said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> Bravo, OP. All you had to do was toss out a supposed maybe affair by your wise, and all the usual suspects stopped focusing on you.
> 
> Blaming the wife....the ultimate opiate lol
> 
> 
> 
> Haven't blamed my wife at all. I know its 100% my fault. We've made 1 mistake each.
Click to expand...

Well that makes you better than some of the posters here. The usual suspects have now focused on what your wife did, which is typical.


----------



## ConanHub

BIL310 said:


> I’ll get straight to the point. Married for 13 years together for 20, two kids. Was out on my works Christmas night out and a girl asked me for my number.
> 
> I was drunk at the time so I said yes without even thinking and probably because the girl was absolutely beautiful. A 10/10. Since then she’s been texting me and sending me pictures asking me to take her out etc.
> 
> I told her I’m separated (which I’m not) and have 2 kids. She’s 10 years younger than me. Since then I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s paying me compliments like my wife’s never done and she’s probably one of the best looking women I’ve seen in my life.
> 
> It’s two days before Christmas and one minute I was all excited for quality family time and the next my stomachs in knots, and I can’t stop thinking about this girl.
> 
> I know it’s wrongs and there’s one thing I should do but my head is all over the place now. I showed her picture to one of my friends and he said I think I love her and I’ve never even met her.
> 
> it’s not going to end well either way this is it.


LOL! I haven't read the rest but welcome to life!

This happens all the time and possibly more with wives due to men usually being more aggressive.

Why not work on your marriage to make it stronger so you and your wife can talk when someone flips either one of your switches?


----------



## ConanHub

BIL310 said:


> She found a hotel booking on my computer, then turned up at the hotel. Yes she wants a divorce. She's very angry at the moment which is very understandable. It was only Wednesday just gone.


Well...
That developed rapidly.

Going back to read now...


----------



## ConanHub

BIL310 said:


> Not really. I was unhappy in my marriage and instead of leaving i made a mistake when a pretty girl showed me attention. I won't be the first or the last. I've got to learn to live with this decision for ever. And the first step in that is going to be at some point forgiving myself. Which is not where i'm at the moment but obviously but in time i will be.


Very sorry for how this has turned out.

I would also like to apologize for the pig comment thrown your way.

I think you made a very bad choice and really lowered yourself but I don't believe that comment was justified.


----------



## ConanHub

Mr.Married said:


> Ha ha ha ha ...... I hope you hate looking in the mirror you pig.


Every situation has a story. He lowered himself and made a terrible choice.

His wife is no better even though it doesn't excuse him.

I fully understand vitriol towards infidelity. My posts have been extremely hard and pointed.

I don't think I have flat out called someone a pig however. 

I'm not better for the things I did call cheaters but maybe try some form of constructive advice with the derogation or tone down the pig 🐷 slinging?:smile2:


----------



## Mr.Married

ConanHub said:


> Every situation has a story. He lowered himself and made a terrible choice.
> 
> His wife is no better even though it doesn't excuse him.
> 
> I fully understand vitriol towards infidelity. My posts have been extremely hard and pointed.
> 
> I don't think I have flat out called someone a pig however.
> 
> I'm not better for the things I did call cheaters but maybe try some form of constructive advice with the derogation or tone down the pig 🐷 slinging?:smile2:


Fair enough ..... I take the pig statement back.


----------



## sokillme

BIL310 said:


> Not really. I was unhappy in my marriage and instead of leaving i made a mistake when a pretty girl showed me attention. I won't be the first or the last. I've got to learn to live with this decision for ever. And the first step in that is going to be at some point forgiving myself. Which is not where i'm at the moment but obviously but in time i will be.


First step is forgiving yourself huh? 

How does that work? What about the girl you scammed? At what step do you get to her?


----------



## BIL310

sokillme said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Not really. I was unhappy in my marriage and instead of leaving i made a mistake when a pretty girl showed me attention. I won't be the first or the last. I've got to learn to live with this decision for ever. And the first step in that is going to be at some point forgiving myself. Which is not where i'm at the moment but obviously but in time i will be.
> 
> 
> 
> First step is forgiving yourself huh?
> 
> How does that work? What about the girl you scammed? At what step do you get to her?
Click to expand...

That’s out of my control. I’ve apologised to her. Nothing else I can do about it now unfortunately.


----------



## BIL310

Mr.Married said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> 
> Every situation has a story. He lowered himself and made a terrible choice.
> 
> His wife is no better even though it doesn't excuse him.
> 
> I fully understand vitriol towards infidelity. My posts have been extremely hard and pointed.
> 
> I don't think I have flat out called someone a pig however.
> 
> I'm not better for the things I did call cheaters but maybe try some form of constructive advice with the derogation or tone down the pig 🐷 slinging?<a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile.png" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>
> 
> 
> 
> Fair enough ..... I take the pig statement back.
Click to expand...

Thanks but I’m old enough to take whatever people will say and I understand the vitriol towards me. And that’s off people I don’t know so god knows what other people who do are saying. Although I’ve got a fair idea.


----------



## BIL310

ConanHub said:


> Mr.Married said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ha ha ha ha ...... I hope you hate looking in the mirror you pig.
> 
> 
> 
> Every situation has a story. He lowered himself and made a terrible choice.
> 
> His wife is no better even though it doesn't excuse him.
> 
> I fully understand vitriol towards infidelity. My posts have been extremely hard and pointed.
> 
> I don't think I have flat out called someone a pig however.
> 
> I'm not better for the things I did call cheaters but maybe try some form of constructive advice with the derogation or tone down the pig 🐷 slinging?<a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile.png" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>
Click to expand...

thanks and maybe it’s good for me that I see things said about me like that. Some people on here won’t understand this and some will but I’m mourning myself now.

I’ve not eaten much for 4 days now. I’ve realised after the fact I’ve made a disgusting horrendous mistake and I can never change that. And I’m absolutely devastated. 

Do I deep down believe I’m a band person? No. I don’t. And before anyone jumps on the bandwagon im not justifying what I’ve done. However I was seriously stressed financially before this and obviously still am.

Last year it did cross my mind that everyone would be better off without me. That’s obviously not a great place to be. I haven’t really slept properly for a year now. I’m not myself. I know that.


----------



## Blondilocks

Well, I don't feel that sorry for the supposedly unsuspecting girl. She had to suspect something was up when it was a _hotel_ for the first meet up. They weren't on vacation.


----------



## ConanHub

BIL310 said:


> thanks and maybe it’s good for me that I see things said about me like that. Some people on here won’t understand this and some will but I’m mourning myself now.
> 
> I’ve not eaten much for 4 days now. I’ve realised after the fact I’ve made a disgusting horrendous mistake and I can never change that. And I’m absolutely devastated.
> 
> Do I deep down believe I’m a band person? No. I don’t. And before anyone jumps on the bandwagon im not justifying what I’ve done. However I was seriously stressed financially before this and obviously still am.
> 
> Last year it did cross my mind that everyone would be better off without me. That’s obviously not a great place to be. I haven’t really slept properly for a year now. I’m not myself. I know that.


You need to purposefully choose to make healthy choices. Your family still needs you.

Maybe if healthy choices were being made all along this situation wouldn't even exist.

Making unhealthy choices got everyone here. Your wife made them as well. Making healthy choices will get you all in a better place.

How is your family doing? Just because you made a destructive choice doesn't mean you're not a dad anymore and you are still a husband as well.

You can still make a difference for your family.


----------



## BIL310

ConanHub said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> 
> thanks and maybe it’s good for me that I see things said about me like that. Some people on here won’t understand this and some will but I’m mourning myself now.
> 
> I’ve not eaten much for 4 days now. I’ve realised after the fact I’ve made a disgusting horrendous mistake and I can never change that. And I’m absolutely devastated.
> 
> Do I deep down believe I’m a band person? No. I don’t. And before anyone jumps on the bandwagon im not justifying what I’ve done. However I was seriously stressed financially before this and obviously still am.
> 
> Last year it did cross my mind that everyone would be better off without me. That’s obviously not a great place to be. I haven’t really slept properly for a year now. I’m not myself. I know that.
> 
> 
> 
> You need to purposefully choose to make healthy choices. Your family still needs you.
> 
> Maybe if healthy choices were being made all along this situation wouldn't even exist.
> 
> Making unhealthy choices got everyone here. Your wife made them as well. Making healthy choices will get you all in a better place.
> 
> How is your family doing? Just because you made a destructive choice doesn't mean you're not a dad anymore and you are still a husband as well.
> 
> You can still make a difference for your family.
Click to expand...

Yes I agree with everything you say. It’s all still very raaw for everyone. I’m mourning myself so god knows what she’s going through.

It only happened last Wednesday and She’s changed locks, told everyone, cancelled me off holidays, spoke to a solicitor and is still sending me very angry messages. I did have a night with the kids in my own home on Friday night which was really nice. My wife stayed in her mums.

I’ve offered to still do the things I used to do before for the kids, iron uniform help with washing and asked if I could maybe stay in the house one day of a weekend so I can help with that. She told me no.

I’m going to talk to somebody like a councillor to help with what I’ve done but also to try and help me forgive myself for the person I’ve turned into. I always said I’d be a millionaire by the time I’m 30. I’m not far off 40 and I’m going to be bankrupt soon.


----------



## ConanHub

BIL310 said:


> Yes I agree with everything you say. It’s all still very raaw for everyone. I’m mourning myself so god knows what she’s going through.
> 
> It only happened last Wednesday and She’s changed locks, told everyone, cancelled me off holidays, spoke to a solicitor and is still sending me very angry messages. I did have a night with the kids in my own home on Friday night which was really nice. My wife stayed in her mums.
> 
> I’ve offered to still do the things I used to do before for the kids, iron uniform help with washing and asked if I could maybe stay in the house one day of a weekend so I can help with that. She told me no.
> 
> I’m going to talk to somebody like a councillor to help with what I’ve done but also to try and help me forgive myself for the person I’ve turned into. I always said I’d be a millionaire by the time I’m 30. I’m not far off 40 and I’m going to be bankrupt soon.


Don't ask permission to do what you know is right for your family. Your wife's anger should not be what determines whether you take care of your family and responsibilities. A counselor is a great idea. You should also not move out. Give your wife space but you don't need to be away from your kids anymore than your wife should.

Talk to a solicitor to make sure of your legal rights but I don't think she can bar you from your own home.


----------



## sokillme

BIL310 said:


> Thanks but I’m old enough to take whatever people will say and I understand the vitriol towards me. And that’s off people I don’t know so god knows what other people who do are saying. Although I’ve got a fair idea.


Pointing out the truth is not vitriol. You are going to have to earn your way out of that. Not learn to forgive yourself. Earn the right to have others forgive you, only then should you worry about forgiving yourself. Time to take the focus of yourself, this is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.


----------



## ConanHub

sokillme said:


> Pointing out the truth is not vitriol. You are going to have to earn your way out of that. Not learn to forgive yourself. Earn the right to have others forgive you, only then should you worry about forgiving yourself. Time to take the focus of yourself, this is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.


Calling someone a pig 🐷 is straight up vitriol as well as many of the other comments.

I'm not saying that vitriol isn't earned from bad behavior but vitriol has been unleashed in this thread.

I do think OP needs counseling, both for his personal mental state as well as legal.

He also needs to stand up to his wife where she is wrong.

She isn't wrong to be angry about his infidelity but she is dead wrong about locking him out and keeping him from helping his children or doing other basic tasks at home.

She definitely isn't shiny enough to be acting like a wounded saint and is honestly coming off like the worst hypocrite.

He isn't a criminal and it is his home and those are his children.

I know you didn't contradict or bring up a lot of points I just made but I want this thread to have a more healthy balance.


----------



## BIL310

ConanHub said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> 
> Pointing out the truth is not vitriol. You are going to have to earn your way out of that. Not learn to forgive yourself. Earn the right to have others forgive you, only then should you worry about forgiving yourself. Time to take the focus of yourself, this is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.
> 
> 
> 
> Calling someone a pig 🐷 is straight up vitriol as well as many of the other comments.
> 
> I'm not saying that vitriol isn't earned from bad behavior but vitriol has been unleashed in this thread.
> 
> I do think OP needs counseling, both for his personal mental state as well as legal.
> 
> He also needs to stand up to his wife where she is wrong.
> 
> She isn't wrong to be angry about his infidelity but she is dead wrong about locking him out and keeping him from helping his children or doing other basic tasks at home.
> 
> She definitely isn't shiny enough to be acting like a wounded saint and is honestly coming off like the worst hypocrite.
> 
> He isn't a criminal and it is his home and those are his children.
> 
> I know you didn't contradict or bring up a lot of points I just made but I want this thread to have a more healthy balance.
Click to expand...

I’m just giving her space at the moment. The day after it happened on Thursday she had all my clothes on the doorstep for me. She’s given me everything. Suits I haven’t worn for years the lot.

She also told me she wants to tell the kids we’re splitting up and not to give them any false hope. I said that’s not a good idea. So we haven’t said anything to them yet other than I’m helping their grandad with work hence why I’m not there.

I don’t want to turn up at the house and cause a big argument in front of them. I’ve caused enough pain as it is. So for now I’m in my parents house.


----------



## BIL310

Do people think I Should I be telling my Wife I’m coming home whether she likes it or not?

Even if it’s just to help with the kids?


----------



## ConanHub

BIL310 said:


> Do people think I Should I be telling my Wife I’m coming home whether she likes it or not?
> 
> Even if it’s just to help with the kids?


Talk with your solicitor first but yes.

Get counseling asap! You are not healthy mentally and don't have the strength to make good decisions.

That is your home and your children and your wife can't bar you from them.

Isn't she being a little high and mighty anyway after her Spanish tryst?

Even if she never strayed and was perfect, she should not be barring you from your home and children.


----------



## sokillme

ConanHub said:


> Calling someone a pig &#55357;&#56375; is straight up vitriol as well as many of the other comments.


I don't agree if you act like a pig. As in, a greedy, dirty, or unpleasant person. The first part being where the title matches. 

Really if he can take being called a pig he isn't going to be able to get better. 

The truth in the words spoken is much more important then his comfort right now. 

We will know when OP is starting to think straight when he doesn't care about being called a pig because he knows it's true.

Morning oneself and forgiving oneself a few weeks after destroying ones partner is bull**** and shows the same kind of mindset that allows one to cheat. It's the same self-absorption that says to oneself I deserve this or I am unhappy so I can cheat. It also can leave one stuck in their own guilt.

It's time to take the focus off of himself and start putting the focus on the damage he did. He should be trying to fix it. 

As far as staying away I would give her some time, but talk to a lawyer first, because it can look like you are abandoning your property (this is a stupid law by the way).


----------



## Bluesclues

BIL310 said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Mr.Married said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ha ha ha ha ...... I hope you hate looking in the mirror you pig.
> 
> 
> 
> Every situation has a story. He lowered himself and made a terrible choice.
> 
> His wife is no better even though it doesn't excuse him.
> 
> I fully understand vitriol towards infidelity. My posts have been extremely hard and pointed.
> 
> I don't think I have flat out called someone a pig however.
> 
> I'm not better for the things I did call cheaters but maybe try some form of constructive advice with the derogation or tone down the pig 🐷 slinging?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> thanks and maybe it’s good for me that I see things said about me like that. Some people on here won’t understand this and some will but I’m mourning myself now.
> 
> I’ve not eaten much for 4 days now. I’ve realised after the fact I’ve made a disgusting horrendous mistake and I can never change that. And I’m absolutely devastated.
> 
> Do I deep down believe I’m a band person? No. I don’t. And before anyone jumps on the bandwagon im not justifying what I’ve done. However I was seriously stressed financially before this and obviously still am.
> 
> Last year it did cross my mind that everyone would be better off without me. That’s obviously not a great place to be. I haven’t really slept properly for a year now. I’m not myself. I know that.
Click to expand...

But you didn’t just realize “after the fact” that you made a disgusting horrendous mistake. You came to a marriage board and asked advice ahead of time, were told how disgusting and horrendous it would be to you, your wife and your kids - you weighed the cost/benefits and said **** it, I’m doing it. You don’t get to bask in the “affair fog” when you went in with eyes wide open. A lot of WS truly don’t understand the far reaching negative impact their cheating will have. You did. At least own it.

And this supposed affair your wife had? You posted here for almost two years about your sex life and that never came up, not once? When posters asked you if she could be cheating you didn’t once mention “well she did cheat before”. Forgot about it did you? Sounds like complete bs.

The first step is not forgiving yourself, that is the last step. Start by telling yourself the truth. Your self esteem took a hit and you selfishly wanted an immediate ego boost and short-term and long-term costs to anyone be damned. The reason for that self esteem loss, whether it was your financial ineptitude, sexual rejection from your spouse, or a conveniently long suppressed betrayal, is irrelevant.

I disagree about not leaving the house. That is a consequence of your actions. One you knew about before you did it. Set up a visitation schedule for the kids now. If it was your wife that cheated all of these posters would be telling you to kick her ass out.


----------



## personofinterest

Forgiving yourself is not your first priority. Your selfishness is astounding.


----------



## BIL310

personofinterest said:


> Forgiving yourself is not your first priority. Your selfishness is astounding.


I mean it will be if my marriage is 100% over.


----------



## ConanHub

To every one of you who haven't bothered to notice...

OP is not healthy mentally or emotionally and hasn't been for quite some time and his wayward wife has definitely added to his situation.

I'm not excusing infidelity but OP needs some help to become healthy before really addressing all of his issues as well of those of his wife's.

He needs immediate help and being locked out of his home and away from his kids is not only causing more damage, it is the height of hypocritical bull **** &#55357;&#56489; for his wife to be behaving this way.

skm, vitriol is being spewed here regardless of whether it has been earned, and I think it has, but not enough is being offered in the way of positive advice or even an inkling of understanding about his real life situation.

If folks want to slap an unhealthy person around at least they could offer some real and helpful advice for the situation they find themselves in.

This husband and wife are both a bit broken but I do not see her reaction to his behavior, aside from expressing her anger and consulting with a solicitor, to be helpful at all especially given that she is guilty of at least, probably much more, than he is.


----------



## ConanHub

Bluesclues said:


> But you didn’t just realize “after the fact” that you made a disgusting horrendous mistake. You came to a marriage board and asked advice ahead of time, were told how disgusting and horrendous it would be to you, your wife and your kids - you weighed the cost/benefits and said **** it, I’m doing it. You don’t get to bask in the “affair fog” when you went in with eyes wide open. A lot of WS truly don’t understand the far reaching negative impact their cheating will have. You did. At least own it.
> 
> And this supposed affair your wife had? You posted here for almost two years about your sex life and that never came up, not once? When posters asked you if she could be cheating you didn’t once mention “well she did cheat before”. Forgot about it did you? Sounds like complete bs.
> 
> The first step is not forgiving yourself, that is the last step. Start by telling yourself the truth. Your self esteem took a hit and you selfishly wanted an immediate ego boost and short-term and long-term costs to anyone be damned. The reason for that self esteem loss, whether it was your financial ineptitude, sexual rejection from your spouse, or a conveniently long suppressed betrayal, is irrelevant.
> 
> I disagree about not leaving the house. That is a consequence of your actions. One you knew about before you did it. Set up a visitation schedule for the kids now. If it was your wife that cheated all of these posters would be telling you to kick her ass out.


Actually she did cheat and I have never tried to convince him to kick her out so spare me from that blanket statement.

It is detrimental to him and the kids for him to be locked away from them even though I understand her anger.

I'm not making light of OP's actions. There is a lot of work to do regardless of whether this marriage survives but in the meantime, not taking care of basic needs of the family because the wife is angry isn't a good choice ever.

If my Mrs. cheated, I would probably divorce her but I would not deny her our home and children unless she was blatantly and continuously cheating because that would be extremely damaging to the kids.


----------



## BIL310

It’s absolutely killing me being away from them. And yes before anyone says I should have thought about that before. 

I’ve just sent her a message again expressing how unbelievably sorry I am and that I’d like nothing more than trying to save our marriage. She’s just replying with anger and insults and doesn’t believe a word I say which is obviously understandable.

She said I can mind the kids next Saturday and stay in the house whilst she’s in her mums but warned me not to go anywhere near our bedroom or en-suite. She doesn’t want my filthy body anywhere near it.

So I don’t think now is the right time to ask to go home. She’s just going to explode.


----------



## ConanHub

BIL310 said:


> It’s absolutely killing me being away from them. And yes before anyone says I should have thought about that before.
> 
> I’ve just sent her a message again expressing how unbelievably sorry I am and that I’d like nothing more than trying to save our marriage. She’s just replying with anger and insults and doesn’t believe a word I say which is obviously understandable.
> 
> She said I can mind the kids next Saturday and stay in the house whilst she’s in her mums but warned me not to go anywhere near our bedroom or en-suite. She doesn’t want my filthy body anywhere near it.
> 
> So I don’t think now is the right time to ask to go home. She’s just going to explode.


I honestly would honor the bedroom request, I would tell her I'm no more filthy than her cheating butt and I would not ask permission to live in my home taking care of my children.

Get into counseling immediately.


----------



## BIL310

ConanHub said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> 
> It’s absolutely killing me being away from them. And yes before anyone says I should have thought about that before.
> 
> I’ve just sent her a message again expressing how unbelievably sorry I am and that I’d like nothing more than trying to save our marriage. She’s just replying with anger and insults and doesn’t believe a word I say which is obviously understandable.
> 
> She said I can mind the kids next Saturday and stay in the house whilst she’s in her mums but warned me not to go anywhere near our bedroom or en-suite. She doesn’t want my filthy body anywhere near it.
> 
> So I don’t think now is the right time to ask to go home. She’s just going to explode.
> 
> 
> 
> I honestly would honor the bedroom request, I would tell her I'm no more filthy than her cheating butt and I would not ask permission to live in my home taking care of my children.
> 
> Get into counseling immediately.
Click to expand...

She’s said how dare I compare what I’ve done to her. She said hers was just a few flirty messages and she had no intention of going to the hotel even though she’d googled half way between the two cities.

I’m going the doctors tomorrow for some sleeping tablets I’ll ask them to refer me or advise me on which counsellor to see.


----------



## personofinterest

Her cheating butt.....nah, no vitriol there.

And as far as we know, all she did was flirt with someone, despite those here who think they are psychic.


----------



## ConanHub

personofinterest said:


> Her cheating butt.....nah, no vitriol there.
> 
> And as far as we know, all she did was flirt with someone, despite those here who think they are psychic.


She admitted to kissing the Spaniard and was planning her hook up but was outed before she could enact it.

I have seen enough cheating to know with about 99% certainty what an admission of kissing means and even if it didn't get any farther than making out, she is still a cheating hypocrite.

Even if she was perfect, locking him out of his home and away from his children is over the top for his offense.

Her anger, exposure and talking to a solicitor are justified.


----------



## sokillme

BIL310 said:


> I mean it will be if my marriage is 100% over.


Your marriage shouldn't be your priority either, the people you hurt should be. You care about your marriage just like you said "MY" marriage. If you want to care about the marriage care about it from the point of view of "YOUR WIFE'S" marriage. You destroyed her marriage and blew up her life.

The thoughts should be - _I can't believe how much damage I did to other people. How can I fix this even a little bit_

not - _How do I get over feeling so bad about the damage I did to other people. How do I feel better._


----------



## BIL310

She’s just messaged me and said she wasn’t comfortable with me being in the house when she’s at work after I pick the kids up from school.

I told her that is best for the kids and that by law I could home now if I wanted but obviously won’t. She then said how dare I go down that route after what I’ve done. And that she absolutely hates me.

I said I didn’t mean I was coming home I just want to do what’s best for the kids.
Then she said she might just kill herself. I said stop talking like that and think about the kids or I’m coming home right now. She said stay where I am of course I won’t do anything I just hate how much control you have over me.


----------



## sokillme

BIL310 said:


> It’s absolutely killing me being away from them. And yes before anyone says I should have thought about that before.
> 
> I’ve just sent her a message again expressing how unbelievably sorry I am and that I’d like nothing more than trying to save our marriage. She’s just replying with anger and insults and doesn’t believe a word I say which is obviously understandable.
> 
> She said I can mind the kids next Saturday and stay in the house whilst she’s in her mums but warned me not to go anywhere near our bedroom or en-suite. She doesn’t want my filthy body anywhere near it.
> 
> So I don’t think now is the right time to ask to go home. She’s just going to explode.


Eventually you will have to deal with the house and a parenting agreement for for now just let it go and give your wife some space. By the way you wife is a good example of a healthy reaction after an EA. It's not her fault that after her EA you decided to pretend like it never happened though. It doesn't make her reaction wrong.

I am curious why you are even fighting for the marriage. You post history shows you were very unhappy in it to begin with, not to mention she had what seems to be an EA. What are you actually holding on to? I get you feel guilty and you should but it will be much worse if you somehow try to put it back together out of guilt and drama, only to have it eventually die later because it's still broken. Better to just call it and let your wife start healing as soon as possible. You are doing her no favors if your heart isn't really in it. Sounds like your marriage has been dead for a while.

Maybe the answer is to truly apologize for cheating try to do what is right in this respect but also end the marriage like she wants to now. Everyone may be better off.


----------



## BIL310

sokillme said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I mean it will be if my marriage is 100% over.
> 
> 
> 
> Your marriage shouldn't be your priority either, the people you hurt should be. you can about your marriage because like you said "MY" marriage. If you want to care about the marriage care about it from "YOUR WIFE'S" marriage. You destroyed her marriage and blew up her life.
> 
> The thoughts should be - _I can't believe how much damage I did to other people. How can I fix this even a little bit_
> 
> not - _How do I get over feeling so bad about the damage I did to other people. How do I feel better._
Click to expand...

I’ve got no idea how I can fix this a little bit. I’m trying to help with kids which is pretty much all I can. I’ve sent her messages saying how sorry I am, and I made a mistake and don’t want a divorce. She’s just throwing insults back at me.

Words mean nothing after what I’ve done though do they. And I’ve got to try and live with that.


----------



## sokillme

BIL310 said:


> I’ve got no idea how I can fix this a little bit. I’m trying to help with kids which is pretty much all I can. I’ve sent her messages saying how sorry I am, and I made a mistake and don’t want a divorce. She’s just throwing insults back at me.
> 
> Words mean nothing after what I’ve done though do they. And I’ve got to try and live with that.


Why are you so quick to want to return to a marriage you were miserable in? Drama is not a good reason for either of you. Wanting what you can have is also not a good reason. It's to her benefit that you don't get involved in something that you will later just leave. I mean the chances of you fixing your dead bedroom issues are now much smaller. You may have a temporary reprieve but the long term prospects are worse. Adding cheating to an already bad situation isn't going to magically make it better. Don't waste your wife's time.


----------



## ConanHub

BIL310 said:


> She’s just messaged me and said she wasn’t comfortable with me being in the house when she’s at work after I pick the kids up from school.
> 
> I told her that is best for the kids and that by law I could home now if I wanted but obviously won’t. She then said how dare I go down that route after what I’ve done. And that she absolutely hates me.
> 
> I said I didn’t mean I was coming home I just want to do what’s best for the kids.
> Then she said she might just kill herself. I said stop talking like that and think about the kids or I’m coming home right now. She said stay where I am of course I won’t do anything I just hate how much control you have over me.


Your wife is definitely not behaving rationally to the extent that it she is not considering what is best for her children but only her feelings.

I suggest you both stop making decisions based on feelings and start doing what is best for the kids.


----------



## BIL310

sokillme said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> 
> It’s absolutely killing me being away from them. And yes before anyone says I should have thought about that before.
> 
> I’ve just sent her a message again expressing how unbelievably sorry I am and that I’d like nothing more than trying to save our marriage. She’s just replying with anger and insults and doesn’t believe a word I say which is obviously understandable.
> 
> She said I can mind the kids next Saturday and stay in the house whilst she’s in her mums but warned me not to go anywhere near our bedroom or en-suite. She doesn’t want my filthy body anywhere near it.
> 
> So I don’t think now is the right time to ask to go home. She’s just going to explode.
> 
> 
> 
> Eventually you will have to deal with the house and a parenting agreement for for now just let it go and give your wife some space. By the way you wife is a good example of a healthy reaction after an EA. It's not her fault that after her EA you decided to pretend like it never happened though. It doesn't make her reaction wrong.
> 
> I am curious why you are even fighting for the marriage. You post history shows you were very unhappy in it to begin with, not to mention she had what seems to be an EA. What are you actually holding on to? I get you feel guilty and you should but it will be much worse if you somehow try to put it back together out of guilt and drama, only to have it eventually die later because it's still broken. Better to just call it and let your wife start healing as soon as possible. You are doing her no favors if your heart isn't really in it. Sounds like your marriage has been dead for a while.
> 
> Maybe the answer is to truly apologize for cheating try to do what is right in this respect but also end the marriage like she wants to now. Everyone may be better off.
Click to expand...

I still love her. Everything I was seeking outside of the marriage was something i just wanted from her really.

I just wish I’d have sat down with her and explained how I was feeling last week and tried to work things out instead of ruining everyone’s life.

Maybe it wouldn’t have worked. Maybe it won’t work if she gave me another chance. I’ve never been single as an adult and my heads all over the place.


----------



## sokillme

BIL310 said:


> I still love her. Everything I was seeking outside of the marriage was something i just wanted from her really.
> 
> I just wish I’d have sat down with her and explained how I was feeling last week and tried to work things out instead of ruining everyone’s life.
> 
> Maybe it wouldn’t have worked. Maybe it won’t work if she gave me another chance. I’ve never been single as an adult and my heads all over the place.


Indeed, but you did what you did. That is the place you have to work from. The best you can do is try to make it better, but that doesn't mean stay married. 

There is a women on another site who cheated on her husband, she ended up being very sorry and a model example of trying to heal her spouse, but just the other day in one of her many posts she broached the idea of divorce. Maybe it was an offhand remark, but somehow I don't think so.

The truth is if they now get divorced her husband would have been better off if she had just went off with her lover, he has now have wasted a few more years besides all the effort to forgive and rebuild a marriage only to have her leave him again. I can't think of a worst thing to go through. I believe she is truly sorry for what she did, but the truth is maybe she should just not have been married anymore.

Unless you are sure don't do this to your wife. Move on with your life, don't give her false hope. Be as kind as you can to her but don't waste her time.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

sokillme said:


> I am curious why you are even fighting for the marriage. You post history shows you were very unhappy in it to begin with, not to mention she had what seems to be an EA. What are you actually holding on to? I get you feel guilty and you should but it will be much worse if you somehow try to put it back together out of guilt and drama, only to have it eventually die later because it's still broken. Better to just call it and let your wife start healing as soon as possible. You are doing her no favors if your heart isn't really in it. Sounds like your marriage has been dead for a while.
> 
> Maybe the answer is to truly apologize for cheating try to do what is right in this respect but also end the marriage like she wants to now. Everyone may be better off.



I agree 100%. You have been miserable with her for years, you first posted here almost two years ago. Now suddenly you think you want to fight for this marriage? Why?? Fight to stay unhappy? If you were so unhappy before, you ain’t seen nothin yet just wait til you are being punished day in and day out... your wife already disrespected and resented you. You are reacting out of guilt, nothing more. You knew exactly what you were doing, and now the reality of how heinous your actions were are coming down on your head full force, and you feel like you’re now supposed to save things. Why keep punishing your wife like this? Respect her wishes and let this end, like you’ve been wanting to happen for a long time now. You’ll just have to deal with the fallout that you chose to end it by infidelity instead of taking a respectful way out. At least if you end this the way she wants to, you save a little face. 

I have a very close friend who did this same thing, she wanted out and decided instead to have an affair. She to this day can’t figure out why her children haven’t forgiven her and other friends and family have shunned her. Duh. 

You’re free, go...




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## BIL310

3Xnocharm said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am curious why you are even fighting for the marriage. You post history shows you were very unhappy in it to begin with, not to mention she had what seems to be an EA. What are you actually holding on to? I get you feel guilty and you should but it will be much worse if you somehow try to put it back together out of guilt and drama, only to have it eventually die later because it's still broken. Better to just call it and let your wife start healing as soon as possible. You are doing her no favors if your heart isn't really in it. Sounds like your marriage has been dead for a while.
> 
> Maybe the answer is to truly apologize for cheating try to do what is right in this respect but also end the marriage like she wants to now. Everyone may be better off.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I agree 100%. You have been miserable with her for years, you first posted here almost two years ago. Now suddenly you think you want to fight for this marriage? Why?? Fight to stay unhappy? If you were so unhappy before, you ain’t seen nothin yet just wait til you are being punished day in and day out... your wife already disrespected and resented you. You are reacting out of guilt, nothing more. You knew exactly what you were doing, and now the reality of how heinous your actions were are coming down on your head full force, and you feel like you’re now supposed to save things. Why keep punishing your wife like this? Respect her wishes and let this end, like you’ve been wanting to happen for a long time now. You’ll just have to deal with the fallout that you chose to end it by infidelity instead of taking a respectful way out. At least if you end this the way she wants to, you save a little face.
> 
> I have a very close friend who did this same thing, she wanted out and decided instead to have an affair. She to this day can’t figure out why her children haven’t forgiven her and other friends and family have shunned her. Duh.
> 
> You’re free, go...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Yes I’ve had issues for a couple of years but I haven’t been miserable. Weve had a lot of good times. I just always needed more affection and sex and was constantly walking around like a dog on heat.

I didn’t want to end a marriage and ruin lot of people’s lives for this reason alone so I chose to seek advice on here or at least vent my frustrations. (I obviously didn’t heed the advice).

Unfortunately when I wasn’t in a good place circumstances have transpired to end up with me making catastrophic decisions at my lowest ebb. 

It doesn’t matter anyway that I want to try and give our marriage another go. My wife has told everyone what I’ve done. Removed me holidays, not allowed in the house. She’s putting the house up for sale this week. And generally wants me out of her headspace. It’s been 4 days now of anger and abuse via what’s app.

And for the record I don’t blame her. I’ve made an appointment to get some counselling to help my stress and anxiety which has also led to insecurity issues. 
I’ve hardly eaten for 4 days and have a constant knot in my stomach.

I caused all this and regardless of whether there was issues in our marriage I’m absolutely devastated about losing my family.


----------



## Robbie1234

BIL310 said:


> Yes I’ve had issues for a couple of years but I haven’t been miserable. Weve had a lot of good times. I just always needed more affection and sex and was constantly walking around like a dog on heat.
> 
> I didn’t want to end a marriage and ruin lot of people’s lives for this reason alone so I chose to seek advice on here or at least vent my frustrations. (I obviously didn’t heed the advice).
> 
> Unfortunately when I wasn’t in a good place circumstances have transpired to end up with me making catastrophic decisions at my lowest ebb.
> 
> It doesn’t matter anyway that I want to try and give our marriage another go. My wife has told everyone what I’ve done. Removed me holidays, not allowed in the house. She’s putting the house up for sale this week. And generally wants me out of her headspace. It’s been 4 days now of anger and abuse via what’s app.
> 
> And for the record I don’t blame her. I’ve made an appointment to get some counselling to help my stress and anxiety which has also led to insecurity issues.
> I’ve hardly eaten for 4 days and have a constant knot in my stomach.
> 
> I caused all this and regardless of whether there was issues in our marriage I’m absolutely devastated about losing my family.


Your story is reminding me of my ex wife. She also got caught in a hotel with her affair partner. This was her second affair with the same man.
I threw her out immediately and the biggest regret is that I wasted years of my life knowing that I didn't trust her.
I'm not going to comment on your behaviour but know this, your marriage is over.


----------



## Blondilocks

ConanHub said:


> She admitted to kissing the Spaniard and was planning her hook up but was outed before she could enact it.
> 
> I have seen enough cheating to know with about 99% certainty what an admission of kissing means and even if it didn't get any farther than making out, she is still a cheating hypocrite.
> 
> Even if she was perfect, locking him out of his home and away from his children is over the top for his offense.
> 
> Her anger, exposure and talking to a solicitor are justified.


Yeah, she wasn't air-kissing that guy. She's as guilty as the OP. Her reactions show that she is using this extreme hurt stance as an excuse to justify ending the marriage. She's probably been checking up on him for years hoping to find something to use as an excuse.

Wonder what all of those people who she blabbed to are going to think when word gets out that she had a fling herself. She'll look like a grade A hypocrite. Which she is.


----------



## BIL310

Blondilocks said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> 
> She admitted to kissing the Spaniard and was planning her hook up but was outed before she could enact it.
> 
> I have seen enough cheating to know with about 99% certainty what an admission of kissing means and even if it didn't get any farther than making out, she is still a cheating hypocrite.
> 
> Even if she was perfect, locking him out of his home and away from his children is over the top for his offense.
> 
> Her anger, exposure and talking to a solicitor are justified.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah, she wasn't air-kissing that guy. She's as guilty as the OP. Her reactions show that she is using this extreme hurt stance as an excuse to justify ending the marriage. She's probably been checking up on him for years hoping to find something to use as an excuse.
> 
> Wonder what all of those people who she blabbed to are going to think when word gets out that she had a fling herself. She'll look like a grade A hypocrite. Which she is.
Click to expand...

Yes I did give her a second chance. I suppose however everyone is different. Even though I didn’t see her in a hotel
Room with a naked man I still picture her sleeping with him at the time.

It was a horrendous time for me. So I know what she’s going through. I won’t be going talking about her liaison to everyone she’s told. She’s still the Mother of my children.

I do however think that for the sole reason that she made a mistake and I forgive her is that I deserve at least one more chance. Or at least give marriage counselling a go.


----------



## Blondilocks

BIL310 said:


> Yes I did give her a second chance. I suppose however everyone is different. Even though I didn’t see her in a hotel
> Room with a naked man I still picture her sleeping with him at the time.
> 
> It was a horrendous time for me. So I know what she’s going through. I won’t be going talking about her liaison to everyone she’s told. She’s still the Mother of my children.
> 
> I do however think that for the sole reason that she made a mistake and I forgive her is that I deserve at least one more chance. Or at least give marriage counselling a go.


Just curious - did she pass herself off as room service to get you to open the door to the hotel room?


----------



## ConanHub

BIL310 said:


> Yes I’ve had issues for a couple of years but I haven’t been miserable. Weve had a lot of good times. I just always needed more affection and sex and was constantly walking around like a dog on heat.
> 
> I didn’t want to end a marriage and ruin lot of people’s lives for this reason alone so I chose to seek advice on here or at least vent my frustrations. (I obviously didn’t heed the advice).
> 
> Unfortunately when I wasn’t in a good place circumstances have transpired to end up with me making catastrophic decisions at my lowest ebb.
> 
> It doesn’t matter anyway that I want to try and give our marriage another go. My wife has told everyone what I’ve done. Removed me holidays, not allowed in the house. She’s putting the house up for sale this week. And generally wants me out of her headspace. It’s been 4 days now of anger and abuse via what’s app.
> 
> And for the record I don’t blame her. I’ve made an appointment to get some counselling to help my stress and anxiety which has also led to insecurity issues.
> I’ve hardly eaten for 4 days and have a constant knot in my stomach.
> 
> I caused all this and regardless of whether there was issues in our marriage I’m absolutely devastated about losing my family.


Doesn't she have to have your signature or consent to sell the house?


----------



## BIL310

Blondilocks said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes I did give her a second chance. I suppose however everyone is different. Even though I didn’t see her in a hotel
> Room with a naked man I still picture her sleeping with him at the time.
> 
> It was a horrendous time for me. So I know what she’s going through. I won’t be going talking about her liaison to everyone she’s told. She’s still the Mother of my children.
> 
> I do however think that for the sole reason that she made a mistake and I forgive her is that I deserve at least one more chance. Or at least give marriage counselling a go.
> 
> 
> 
> Just curious - did she pass herself off as room service to get you to open the door to the hotel room?
Click to expand...

No idea. That’s the least of my problems
so I didn’t ask.


----------



## BIL310

BIL310 said:


> Blondilocks said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes I did give her a second chance. I suppose however everyone is different. Even though I didn’t see her in a hotel
> Room with a naked man I still picture her sleeping with him at the time.
> 
> It was a horrendous time for me. So I know what she’s going through. I won’t be going talking about her liaison to everyone she’s told. She’s still the Mother of my children.
> 
> I do however think that for the sole reason that she made a mistake and I forgive her is that I deserve at least one more chance. Or at least give marriage counselling a go.
> 
> 
> 
> Just curious - did she pass herself off as room service to get you to open the door to the hotel room?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> No idea. That’s the least of my problems
> so I didn’t ask.
Click to expand...

Sorry I read that wrong I thought you meant to get to the room. No I just heard a knock on the door and didn’t think anything of it so I opened it. I’d been drinking since 4 so wasn’t thinking straight.


----------



## BIL310

ConanHub said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes I’ve had issues for a couple of years but I haven’t been miserable. Weve had a lot of good times. I just always needed more affection and sex and was constantly walking around like a dog on heat.
> 
> I didn’t want to end a marriage and ruin lot of people’s lives for this reason alone so I chose to seek advice on here or at least vent my frustrations. (I obviously didn’t heed the advice).
> 
> Unfortunately when I wasn’t in a good place circumstances have transpired to end up with me making catastrophic decisions at my lowest ebb.
> 
> It doesn’t matter anyway that I want to try and give our marriage another go. My wife has told everyone what I’ve done. Removed me holidays, not allowed in the house. She’s putting the house up for sale this week. And generally wants me out of her headspace. It’s been 4 days now of anger and abuse via what’s app.
> 
> And for the record I don’t blame her. I’ve made an appointment to get some counselling to help my stress and anxiety which has also led to insecurity issues.
> I’ve hardly eaten for 4 days and have a constant knot in my stomach.
> 
> I caused all this and regardless of whether there was issues in our marriage I’m absolutely devastated about losing my family.
> 
> 
> 
> Doesn't she have to have your signature or consent to sell the house?
Click to expand...

Yes I assume so. She’s just rang up again going on saying she’s more bothered about the fact that when she got the room I said get out and things haven’t been working for a while.

The girl didn’t know I was married and was really scared. I didn’t have a clue what was happening it was shock to when they came in. So now she’s saying all my remorse is a load of bull****.

I said I didn’t have a clue what was going on at the time. The girl was scared and I’d been drinking for 6 hours.

She said her mate in work husband cheated twice with the same girl. Cheaters always do it again. I said did you do it again? She said I didn’t cheat as I said you kissed him in Spain and he walked you back the room when you were drunk. Then I said has your best mate done it again since? She just put the phone down on me.


----------



## OnTheFly

Lawyer up.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Respect her wishes and let her go. You two clearly arent meant to be together.


----------



## Blondilocks

BIL310 said:


> Yes I assume so. She’s just rang up again going on saying she’s more bothered about the fact that when she got the room I said get out and things haven’t been working for a while.
> 
> The girl didn’t know I was married and was really scared. I didn’t have a clue what was happening it was shock to when *they *came in. So now she’s saying all my remorse is a load of bull****.
> 
> I said I didn’t have a clue what was going on at the time. The girl was scared and I’d been drinking for 6 hours.
> 
> She said her mate in work husband cheated twice with the same girl. Cheaters always do it again. I said did you do it again? She said I didn’t cheat as I said you kissed him in Spain and he walked you back the room when you were drunk. Then I said has your best mate done it again since? She just put the phone down on me.


Who are 'they'? She didn't bring the kids with her, did she?


----------



## sokillme

BIL310 said:


> Yes I’ve had issues for a couple of years but I haven’t been miserable. Weve had a lot of good times. I just always needed more affection and sex and was constantly walking around like a dog on heat.
> 
> I didn’t want to end a marriage and ruin lot of people’s lives for this reason alone so I chose to seek advice on here or at least vent my frustrations. (I obviously didn’t heed the advice).
> 
> Unfortunately when I wasn’t in a good place circumstances have transpired to end up with me making catastrophic decisions at my lowest ebb.
> 
> It doesn’t matter anyway that I want to try and give our marriage another go. My wife has told everyone what I’ve done. Removed me holidays, not allowed in the house. She’s putting the house up for sale this week. And generally wants me out of her headspace. It’s been 4 days now of anger and abuse via what’s app.
> 
> And for the record I don’t blame her. I’ve made an appointment to get some counselling to help my stress and anxiety which has also led to insecurity issues.
> I’ve hardly eaten for 4 days and have a constant knot in my stomach.
> 
> I caused all this and regardless of whether there was issues in our marriage I’m absolutely devastated about losing my family.


All cheating aside, is your name on the house? Don't let her put up your house without your permission. If anything else for your kids sake. None of this stuff should be done out of anger.

This seems to be part of your problem, you are not proactive and are passive in your circumstances. Just allowing your house to be sold out from under you is an issue of the same problem that allowed you to cheat. You didn't deal with confrontation, first with your sexual problems in the marriage, and now this.

Oh and her cheating. 

Enough, tell her either counseling or your done.


----------



## BIL310

Blondilocks said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes I assume so. She’s just rang up again going on saying she’s more bothered about the fact that when she got the room I said get out and things haven’t been working for a while.
> 
> The girl didn’t know I was married and was really scared. I didn’t have a clue what was happening it was shock to when *they *came in. So now she’s saying all my remorse is a load of bull****.
> 
> I said I didn’t have a clue what was going on at the time. The girl was scared and I’d been drinking for 6 hours.
> 
> She said her mate in work husband cheated twice with the same girl. Cheaters always do it again. I said did you do it again? She said I didn’t cheat as I said you kissed him in Spain and he walked you back the room when you were drunk. Then I said has your best mate done it again since? She just put the phone down on me.
> 
> 
> 
> Who are 'they'? She didn't bring the kids with her, did she?
Click to expand...

No her Mother.


----------



## BIL310

sokillme said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes I’ve had issues for a couple of years but I haven’t been miserable. Weve had a lot of good times. I just always needed more affection and sex and was constantly walking around like a dog on heat.
> 
> I didn’t want to end a marriage and ruin lot of people’s lives for this reason alone so I chose to seek advice on here or at least vent my frustrations. (I obviously didn’t heed the advice).
> 
> Unfortunately when I wasn’t in a good place circumstances have transpired to end up with me making catastrophic decisions at my lowest ebb.
> 
> It doesn’t matter anyway that I want to try and give our marriage another go. My wife has told everyone what I’ve done. Removed me holidays, not allowed in the house. She’s putting the house up for sale this week. And generally wants me out of her headspace. It’s been 4 days now of anger and abuse via what’s app.
> 
> And for the record I don’t blame her. I’ve made an appointment to get some counselling to help my stress and anxiety which has also led to insecurity issues.
> I’ve hardly eaten for 4 days and have a constant knot in my stomach.
> 
> I caused all this and regardless of whether there was issues in our marriage I’m absolutely devastated about losing my family.
> 
> 
> 
> All cheating aside, is your name on the house? Don't let her put up your house without your permission. If anything else for your kids sake. None of this stuff should be done out of anger.
> 
> This seems to be part of your problem, you are not proactive and are passive in your circumstances. Just allowing your house to be sold out from under you is an issue of the same problem that allowed you to cheat. You didn't deal with confrontation, first with your sexual problems in the marriage, and now this.
> 
> Oh and her cheating.
> 
> Enough, tell her either counseling or your done.
Click to expand...

I’m on the verge of filing for bankruptcy. When that happens the equity in my house I’ll need to be released to pay off the debt. If I get a friendly valuation it’s likely to be £7500-£10k i would need to find to prevent the house from being sold within the next 12 months.

I’ve told my wife that it’s financially better to do this than just sell the house because
then they’ll take all my equity (likely to be £20k). If she wanted to I’d let her keep the house with the kids once I’ve given her my share of the equity. I don’t want any part of it. She said she doesn’t want anything to do with me.

She’s just sent me a message saying she doesn’t love me anymore. The only people she loves unconditionally are her children. She would never forgive me and would never get close to me and she’d end up hating me and herself.

It’s over.


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out

BIL310 said:


> Yes I’ve had issues for a couple of years but I haven’t been miserable. Weve had a lot of good times. *I just always needed more affection and sex and was constantly walking around like a dog on heat.*
> 
> I didn’t want to end a marriage and ruin lot of people’s lives for this reason alone so I chose to seek advice on here* or at least vent my frustrations. (I obviously didn’t heed the advice)*.
> 
> Unfortunately when* I wasn’t in a good place circumstances* have transpired to end up with me making catastrophic decisions at my lowest ebb.
> 
> It doesn’t matter anyway that I want to try and give our marriage another go. My wife has told everyone what I’ve done. Removed me holidays, not allowed in the house. She’s putting the house up for sale this week. And generally wants me out of her headspace. *It’s been 4 days now of anger and abuse via what’s app.*
> 
> And for the record I don’t blame her. I’ve made an appointment to get some counselling to help my stress and anxiety which has also led to insecurity issues.
> *I’ve hardly eaten for 4 days and have a constant knot in my stomach.*
> 
> I caused all this and regardless of whether there was issues in our marriage* I’m absolutely devastated about losing my family*.


I am sorry to be blunt...but this is the same kind of garbage I heard from my husband when he cheated on me...and its the same kind of stuff that kept me from wanting to reconcile with him. Until he changed his tune, and stopped thinking about himself first, there was no way I was going to consider staying with him. It's been 6 months, and I am still not sure that I will stay with him, but we are going to counseling now. I don't know when I will decide, because it's going to take a lot for him to convince me that he is sincere that he actually cares about me first...above his need to wallow in guilt for himself, sympathy for himself, etc. 

And that's all I see in your words on this forum. It's all been about YOUR pain, YOUR needs, YOUR sorrow. Where have you said, 'I can only imagine how she must feel right now'. 'I can't fathom how it must have felt for her to walk in and see me naked with someone else.' 'I can't begin to understand how that image must be burnt in her memory now.' 'I have destroyed her world and my children's, I have no right to expect anything from them now.' Oh sure, you say you don't blame her, but then you go right back to how it's all about you. 

The fact that you cheated, that you premeditated it, that you planned and strove for it, proves that you are self-absorbed, and that you probably have been for a while. Until you are willing to take a hard look at the damage you have done, she is going to see right through you and realize there is no point in trying with you. 

You want to bring up that you know how she must be feeling because she had an affair a while back. Infidelity is always wrong...and that should have been dealt with then. However, that also makes what you have done that much worse...because you didn't blindly do this to your family. You did this, planned it all out, KNOWING how it would feel if she found out. That's pretty selfish. My husband cheating on me made me even more sure of myself that I would NEVER do this to another person, because I would never want to be the kind of monster that could create this kind of agony and hurt.

You can't fight for your marriage. You can't fight for your relationship. You killed them, and now they are dead. You can't bring dead things back to life. You can however, fight to be a better person. You can fight to be the kind of person that loves so whole-heartedly that you don't care anymore what happens to you...and that you only want to be there to try to help ease the pain that you have caused. 

I can't tell you what your wife will want to hear. But for me... my husband had to finally realize that I didn't care about what he wanted. He lost the right to care about our marriage when he decided to sleep with someone else. He didn't care then...he doesn't get to change his mind and care now. I didn't want to hear his promises of 'I want to save our marriage', and 'I want to help fix this.' He had to finally ask me, 'What can I do to ease the pain I have caused you.' If the answer was stay away from me...then that is what he was willing to do. If the answer was, go tell our family what you have done, that is what he was willing to do. If the answer was, find a lawyer and have divorce papers drafted, he didn't argue or beg, he went and did that. He had to show me that he was honest in putting my needs first...even when the answer of what I needed was hurting him. He lost the right to put his needs first when he made the decision to cheat. And so have you.


----------



## BIL310

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> I am sorry to be blunt...but this is the same kind of garbage I heard from my husband when he cheated on me...and its the same kind of stuff that kept me from wanting to reconcile with him. Until he changed his tune, and stopped thinking about himself first, there was no way I was going to consider staying with him. It's been 6 months, and I am still not sure that I will stay with him, but we are going to counseling now. I don't know when I will decide, because it's going to take a lot for him to convince me that he is sincere that he actually cares about me first...above his need to wallow in guilt for himself, sympathy for himself, etc.
> 
> And that's all I see in your words on this forum. It's all been about YOUR pain, YOUR needs, YOUR sorrow. Where have you said, 'I can only imagine how she must feel right now'. 'I can't fathom how it must have felt for her to walk in and see me naked with someone else.' 'I can't begin to understand how that image must be burnt in her memory now.' 'I have destroyed her world and my children's, I have no right to expect anything from them now.' Oh sure, you say you don't blame her, but then you go right back to how it's all about you.
> 
> The fact that you cheated, that you premeditated it, that you planned and strove for it, proves that you are self-absorbed, and that you probably have been for a while. Until you are willing to take a hard look at the damage you have done, she is going to see right through you and realize there is no point in trying with you.
> 
> You want to bring up that you know how she must be feeling because she had an affair a while back. Infidelity is always wrong...and that should have been dealt with then. However, that also makes what you have done that much worse...because you didn't blindly do this to your family. You did this, planned it all out, KNOWING how it would feel if she found out. That's pretty selfish. My husband cheating on me made me even more sure of myself that I would NEVER do this to another person, because I would never want to be the kind of monster that could create this kind of agony and hurt.
> 
> You can't fight for your marriage. You can't fight for your relationship. You killed them, and now they are dead. You can't bring dead things back to life. You can however, fight to be a better person. You can fight to be the kind of person that loves so whole-heartedly that you don't care anymore what happens to you...and that you only want to be there to try to help ease the pain that you have caused.
> 
> I can't tell you what your wife will want to hear. But for me... my husband had to finally realize that I didn't care about what he wanted. He lost the right to care about our marriage when he decided to sleep with someone else. He didn't care then...he doesn't get to change his mind and care now. I didn't want to hear his promises of 'I want to save our marriage', and 'I want to help fix this.' He had to finally ask me, 'What can I do to ease the pain I have caused you.' If the answer was stay away from me...then that is what he was willing to do. If the answer was, go tell our family what you have done, that is what he was willing to do. If the answer was, find a lawyer and have divorce papers drafted, he didn't argue or beg, he went and did that. He had to show me that he was honest in putting my needs first...even when the answer of what I needed was hurting him. He lost the right to put his needs first when he made the decision to cheat. And so have you.


And i'm fully prepared to do everything you say. I know i've absolutely devastated her and the children once they know. I can't believe the pain i've caused seeing what she did. And i'll do anything she wants. If she wants me to sign the divorce papers i will. I don't want to cause her anymore pain. I've done enough.

I've started the process for counselling.I have an appointment on February 13th. Just a pity there isn't one before then. My Wife wanted to know why i did this and people on this forum so that's why i explained how I was feeling. I know someone in a happy marriage doesn't cheat.


----------



## personofinterest

> I know someone in a happy marriage doesn't cheat.


Wrong answer. This is still blameshifting.


----------



## BIL310

personofinterest said:


> Wrong answer. This is still blameshifting.


Blame shifting how? I'm not blaming her at all. I blame myself for everything.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

personofinterest said:


> Wrong answer. This is still blameshifting.





BIL310 said:


> Blame shifting how? I'm not blaming her at all. I blame myself for everything.


You are blaming the marriage itself. You and you alone are responsible for making the choice you did... happy or unhappy, the action was YOURS.

You had responded to my previous post that you were in fact NOT miserable, so you really need to pick one...


----------



## Faithful Wife

BIL310...there was a reason you did this and blew up your family. Yes it was a huge mistake, but on a subconscious level you chose to do it this way. Maybe this was the only way you would have ended the marriage at all. Like you never would have just ended it on a logical and methodical level, talking to your wife and telling her honestly that you wanted out and splitting the assets like mature adults. Instead, it may have had to be this way, like going down in flames was the only way you could actually go through with it.

It’s the reality you are faced with now, but in a few years you will have a new life and can assess where you ended up.

I feel you can be contrite and learn your lessons and still move on just fine, eventually. I’m sad for your wife and kids because their lives have to adjust and they didn’t have any choice in the matter. But they will eventually settle into a new life too.

You have been given a great gift in a way, because getting caught in the act prevented you from continuing to act badly, as you surely would have done if you had not been caught.

Work your way through what has happened, work on making things right with your kids, and really look in the mirror.

When you wrote your first post, you were in what they call the fog. Do you understand that term now?

Have you read other posts about infidelity here at TAM so you can see that everything you said in your first few posts follow a script that all cheaters use? You really need to read about how common everything you said was. Not because there’s any chance for your marriage but just because you need to be fully aware now. You were in a fog before, now you need to look at what you were doing when you were in the fog and be able to see where you were literally lying to yourself. It’s important to see the steps you took that created a situation where you were not aware of reality and had adopted an untrue fantasy as reality. Dissociative episodes are important to go back and sort out for yourself.


----------



## Adelais

I read your first few posts. Everyone told you to not do it. Now I've read your last few posts, where you went through with it, and got caught.

You deserve everything you get. Your wife and children...they are the victims here.


----------



## sunsetmist

Hopefully wife will find someone who loves and appreciates her--someone she can trust. Was he her first? Did she have nothing to compare him to? Kids will remember her heartbreak, his cheating. Worthy folks will be wary of him.

He has been exiting for some time looking for freedom from decision made when he was 17--keep looking for that 10 full of compliments--so much depth and permanence there--except you lied to her/them too. Being a good co-parent would be a nice gift to repay ex for all those years of hard work that made her so tired. Maybe you can keep up your use of liquid courage to make you more manly.


----------



## BIL310

We can go back and forth forever on how this whole sorry episode has turned out. Yes I should have sat down with my wife and told her how I was feeling.

What people need to remember is, I didn’t want to leave my wife. That’s why I came on here in the first place. I wanted help in trying to work with my wife to provide me with the things I was missing. I was also willing to give my wife the things she was missing.

I’m a human being at the end of the day. And especially from a mans point of view when you’re feeling insecure and want to be physically closer to your wife it can be a very lonely time.

And by the way before someone else jumps on the bandwagon I’m not justifying how this all turned out. But for people saying you should have just ended it before I didn’t want to end it. Yes I might have said if it wasn’t for kids I’d have left before now etc but that was just sheer frustration.

At my lowest point a woman came along who in my eyes from a physical point of view was absolutely gorgeous. She came onto me. She grabbed my hand. And Yes I gave her my number and told her I was single. Absolving myself of any blame? No. Just presenting the facts as they are. 10 years younger than me and every single one of my mates said I think I love her and I’ve never met her. 

Sorry if that’s not what women want to hear but that’s how a lot of men think. I’m not saying they would have done what I did im just talking about an initial attraction. Would I have gone so far if she didn’t look like she did? No. And I said that before I was caught.

I deserve all the abuse I’ve received. My wife is going through unbelievable pain as the children will be shortly. I know all this. I can’t change what I did. I know this. Nothing I’ve said above is to try and make myself look any better. I’m simply saying things as they were at the time.

My ego was boosted. I felt alive again and I didn’t want that feeling to go. However now it’s all out in the open the things I was looking for from this woman regardless of how she looked I only ever wanted from my wife. And that’s never going to happen again. So yes I will concentrate on being the best Father I can now. 

I’ve got no right or deserve to expect anything else.


----------



## BIL310

BIL310 said:


> We can go back and forth forever on how this whole sorry episode has turned out. Yes I should have sat down with my wife and told her how I was feeling.
> 
> What people need to remember is, I didn’t want to leave my wife. That’s why I came on here in the first place. I wanted help in trying to work with my wife to provide me with the things I was missing. I was also willing to give my wife the things she was missing.
> 
> I’m a human being at the end of the day. And especially from a mans point of view when you’re feeling insecure and want to be physically closer to your wife it can be a very lonely time.
> 
> And by the way before someone else jumps on the bandwagon I’m not justifying how this all turned out. But for people saying you should have just ended it before I didn’t want to end it. Yes I might have said if it wasn’t for kids I’d have left before now etc but that was just sheer frustration.
> 
> At my lowest point a woman came along who in my eyes from a physical point of view was absolutely gorgeous. She came onto me. She grabbed my hand. Yes I gave her my number and told her I was single. Absolving myself of any blame? No. Just presenting the facts as they are. 10 years younger than me and every single one of my mates said I think I love her and I’ve never met her.
> 
> Sorry if that’s not what women want to hear but that’s how a lot of men think. The ones I know anyway. Would I have gone so far if she didn’t look like she did? No. And I said that before I was caught.
> 
> I deserve all the abuse I’ve received. My wife is going through unbelievable pain as the children will be shortly. I know all this. I can’t change what I did. I know this. Nothing I’ve said above is to try and make myself look any better. I’m simply saying things as they were at the time.
> 
> My ego was boosted. I felt alive again and I didn’t want that feeling to go. However now it’s all out in the open the things I was looking for from this woman regardless of how she looked I only ever wanted from my wife. And that’s never going to happen again. So yes I will concentrate on being the best Father I can now.
> 
> I’ve got no right to expect anything else.


----------



## Mr.Married

...


----------



## BIL310

My wife wants to tell our children (aged 8 and 10) that we’re splitting up this weekend. She said she doesn’t want to give them false hope. 

At the moment they think I’m staying in their grandads to help him with work for a few weeks. I’m taking them to school and picking them up and waiting at home (doing their tea, making their school packed lunch etc and ironing their clothes) basically the stuff I usually do for them on a weekly basis. 

It’s now been 6 days since she found out what I’d done. I think we should just not say anything to the kids just yet. However I know I lost any rights to what I want when I did what I did. There’s been a lot of life changing decisions made on her part in reaction to what I’ve done and every article I’ve read online says that’s the last thing to do.

I know time can be a healer and we may never reconcile but I just think it’s too early to say we’re splitting up when she may feel differently in a week or two. I really don’t know.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Wow...before these last couple of posts of yours I actually thought you might grow and learn from all of this. But nope, you are still trying to explain to us just how hot she was.

I say yes, tell the kids what happened. And do like you’ve done here and just explain to them how hot this other woman was. That will definitely make them understand. Because what’s a man to do, right? She was a 10! Even all my mates are in love with her, see that proves how justified I am in trying to **** this other girl and yes, kids she was even so hot that it was worth throwing you out and letting your mom have custody of you. You’ll understand one day kids! Son, you may leave your wife and kids one day in a similar way and daughter, you’ll always know for 100% sure that no man will ever stick around if a 10 gives him her number. That will be great for her to know, so she can grow up a realistic view of men based on how her dad blew up the family for a piece of ass....but she was soooooo hot!


----------



## BIL310

Faithful Wife said:


> Wow...before these last couple of posts of yours I actually thought you might grow and learn from all of this. But nope, you are still trying to explain to us just how hot she was.
> 
> I say yes, tell the kids what happened. And do like you’ve done here and just explain to them how hot this other woman was. That will definitely make them understand. Because what’s a man to do, right? She was a 10! Even all my mates are in love with her, see that proves how justified I am in trying to **** this other girl and yes, kids she was even so hot that it was worth throwing you out and letting your mom have custody of you. You’ll understand one day kids! Son, you may leave your wife and kids one day in a similar way and daughter, you’ll always know for 100% sure that no man will ever stick around if a 10 gives him her number. That will be great for her to know, so she can grow up a realistic view of men based on how her dad blew up the family for a piece of ass....but she was soooooo hot!


That’s just absolute nonsense I’m sorry. I’m not justifying anything I’m simply explaining how I felt at the time and reasons behind why I did it. 

Things just don’t just happen, there are reasons behind everything but that doesn’t make it right or I’m trying to absolve myself of any blame. You can’t change facts. They are part of the whole story. 

When I’m asked by someone why did you do it what answer do you expect me give?
Lie again and say I don’t know?


----------



## personofinterest

I dont know what books YOU have chosen to read, but the top marriage counselor who SPECIALIZES in infidelity says children need to know the truth.

And yes, you ARE still blaming your marriage for your affair, and now you've added "she was so hot/that's how men think" to the list.


----------



## BIL310

personofinterest said:


> I dont know what books YOU have chosen to read, but the top marriage counselor who SPECIALIZES in infidelity says children need to know the truth.
> 
> And yes, you ARE still blaming your marriage for your affair, and now you've added "she was so hot/that's how men think" to the list.


I agree children need to know the truth at some point, but 10 days later when everything is still raw?


----------



## Blondilocks

Since her mother was at the hotel, do you think she is a driving force with your wife's behavior? Does her mother have undue influence over her?


----------



## mary35

BIL310 said:


> I still love her. Everything I was seeking outside of the marriage was something i just wanted from her really.
> 
> I just wish I’d have sat down with her and explained how I was feeling last week and tried to work things out instead of ruining everyone’s life.
> 
> Maybe it wouldn’t have worked. Maybe it won’t work if she gave me another chance. I’ve never been single as an adult and my heads all over the place.


And here is a possible clue to why you find yourself where you are. From what I have read, you have not been much of an adult married either. I am not sure you really ever passed into adulthood. It sounds like you just swapped your mother for a wife to take care of you. Now you are back with your parents again. 

I would suggest you explore this thought further with your counselor. I would also suggest that you ask yourself why you made it so easy for your wife to catch you in the act? And explore your apparent drinking problem would be my final suggestion. From my view point - until you fix your issues - you really don't have much to offer your wife right now to make reconciliation even a tiny bit attractive. 

You got a lot of work to do on you. You did this to yourself - to your marriage. YOU, no one else. It was not a "mistake" - it was a deliberate choice you made, plannned, and carried out - and unless you were drunk all the time - being sober didn't change your choice. You even knew the ending (you wrote it here) and you still chose to do it anyways. 

Now you have another choice to make. Keep looking for excuses or finally grow up and become a man - one that takes responsibility for his life and choices. Choose wisely this time!


----------



## lucy999

BIL310 said:


> And especially from a mans point of view when you’re feeling insecure and want to be physically closer to your wife it can be a very lonely time.


Lol. Especially from a man's point of view? WTF does that even mean? Insecurity doesn't have a preference in genders. The same could be said from a woman's POV.


----------



## AVR1962

While seeing Ms Hottie did you ever consider that she too might have a lower sex drive and that it could be lower than your wife's? Oh, that's right....you weren't think of a relation even though that is what was developing....she is though, or she wouldn't have slept with you. Have you ever thought that maybe it wasn't your wife's fault for your actions? I am assuming there was a change in the relationship at some point, perhaps many. Who took the burden of those changes and what was your part? Women are emotional thinkers so when they are hurt by lack of interaction with their husband, lack of emotional (verbal) support from their husbands and they spend their day exhausting themselves to do everything for their families (as this is their priority) sex is not at the top of their to-do list. This new hottie is not going to be any different. Affairs are selfish acts, this is about you, not about what your wife wasn't giving. If you have any desire to fix this you need to look deep inside yourself.

What kind of woman has sex with a married man? Think about this. I have known a few office trash who were looking for husbands and they didn't care if the man was married, they didn't care if they tore up a family to get what they wanted. You know how awful this is? Ever think that she could do the same to you, or does that matter? I am the one on the other end of your actions. My ex told me he got a thrill from the chase. He had me, his work was done. He wanted a new prize. Once he got his new prize and she was won he got bored and continued his cheating habits. He cheated even more on his second wife and told me that he could tell her the sky was green and she would believe him. Perhaps this is not you but you created the problem, not your wife and the sooner you get a grip the better off you will be. Women are not just to be used for your sexual disposal.

Let me tell you what your future looks like....your children will eventually have a stepfather who will spend more time with your children than you will, you will be obligated to pay some hefty child support, it is very possible Ms Hottie won't work out in the long run. If you are not financially responsible and are filing for bankruptcy expect for her to run....women like security, eventually you will remarry and very possibly a women who has children which means you will become the stepdad to children who might very well not accept you. You wife and your ex might not get along and there will be this friction the kids will feel and perhaps drug into. All because you could not keep your fly zipped.

Your wife cannot sell your house without you as long as this was something you bought together and your name is on the paperwork. If you finances are in such bad order think it thru as to whether filing bankruptcy is the best option at this point.

My advise to you is to try and repair your marriage before it is too late. If she loves you she will forgive you but you need to go to counseling and figure things out so this doesn't continue to happen. If your life is driven by your desire for sex you are in for a lifetime of hurt.


----------



## sunsetmist

@mary35 has offered good insight into this debacle. And he is blinded by his entitlement--had a change of heart and is now hoping for returning and reconciliation. If he had not told us from the beginning where he was headed, would his selfish regret be worth more?

Sure hope wife doesn't forgive this, he has been planning his exit for years.


----------



## BIL310

AVR1962 said:


> While seeing Ms Hottie did you ever consider that she too might have a lower sex drive and that it could be lower than your wife's? Oh, that's right....you weren't think of a relation even though that is what was developing....she is though, or she wouldn't have slept with you. Have you ever thought that maybe it wasn't your wife's fault for your actions? I am assuming there was a change in the relationship at some point, perhaps many. Who took the burden of those changes and what was your part? Women are emotional thinkers so when they are hurt by lack of interaction with their husband, lack of emotional (verbal) support from their husbands and they spend their day exhausting themselves to do everything for their families (as this is their priority) sex is not at the top of their to-do list. This new hottie is not going to be any different. Affairs are selfish acts, this is about you, not about what your wife wasn't giving. If you have any desire to fix this you need to look deep inside yourself.
> 
> What kind of woman has sex with a married man? Think about this. I have known a few office trash who were looking for husbands and they didn't care if the man was married, they didn't care if they tore up a family to get what they wanted. You know how awful this is? Ever think that she could do the same to you, or does that matter? I am the one on the other end of your actions. My ex told me he got a thrill from the chase. He had me, his work was done. He wanted a new prize. Once he got his new prize and she was won he got bored and continued his cheating habits. He cheated even more on his second wife and told me that he could tell her the sky was green and she would believe him. Perhaps this is not you but you created the problem, not your wife and the sooner you get a grip the better off you will be. Women are not just to be used for your sexual disposal.
> 
> Let me tell you what your future looks like....your children will eventually have a stepfather who will spend more time with your children than you will, you will be obligated to pay some hefty child support, it is very possible Ms Hottie won't work out in the long run. If you are not financially responsible and are filing for bankruptcy expect for her to run....women like security, eventually you will remarry and very possibly a women who has children which means you will become the stepdad to children who might very well not accept you. You wife and your ex might not get along and there will be this friction the kids will feel and perhaps drug into. All because you could not keep your fly zipped.
> 
> Your wife cannot sell your house without you as long as this was something you bought together and your name is on the paperwork. If you finances are in such bad order think it thru as to whether filing bankruptcy is the best option at this point.
> 
> My advise to you is to try and repair your marriage before it is too late. If she loves you she will forgive you but you need to go to counseling and figure things out so this doesn't continue to happen. If your life is driven by your desire for sex you are in for a lifetime of hurt.


The relationship with the other woman is over. I haven't seen or spoken to her since Wednesday night when she left the hotel.
The woman didn't know i was married so that also answers that question. The other point about meeting someone else who's got kids and getting married, being a step father etc isn't going to happen. I'll never get married ever again. 

As for repairing my marriage it's not my decision.


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out

BIL310 said:


> When I’m asked by someone why did you do it what answer do you expect me give?
> Lie again and say I don’t know?


"I was self-absorbed, and too emotionally inept to put my needs second, so I destroyed my family instead. I hope to learn from my poor decision, seek professional help and become a better person."


----------



## Faithful Wife

BIL310 said:


> That’s just absolute nonsense I’m sorry. I’m not justifying anything I’m simply explaining how I felt at the time and reasons behind why I did it.
> 
> Things just don’t just happen, there are reasons behind everything but that doesn’t make it right or I’m trying to absolve myself of any blame. You can’t change facts. They are part of the whole story.
> 
> When I’m asked by someone why did you do it what answer do you expect me give?
> Lie again and say I don’t know?


Yes, and when your kids ask you why, you should tell them the truth, too.

She was sooooooooooo hot kids, that’s why. Tell them men can’t be expected to not try to **** a hot chick if she gives him her number, and also that their lives being changed over night was not a deterrent to you.


----------



## personofinterest

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes, and when your kids ask you why, you should tell them the truth, too.
> 
> She was sooooooooooo hot kids, that’s why. Tell them men can’t be expected to not try to **** a hot chick if she gives him her number, and also that their lives being changed over night was not a deterrent to you.


Because THIS is the truth.


----------



## personofinterest

sokillme said:


> And we get a hard time about using the word - "pig" :wink2:


Who is "we"?


----------



## BIL310

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes, and when your kids ask you why, you should tell them the truth, too.
> 
> She was sooooooooooo hot kids, that’s why. Tell them men can’t be expected to not try to **** a hot chick if she gives him her number, and also that their lives being changed over night was not a deterrent to you.


Nonsense.


----------



## personofinterest

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> "I was self-absorbed, and too emotionally inept to put my needs second, so I destroyed my family instead. I hope to learn from my poor decision, seek professional help and become a better person."


Then how about this one?

Honestly, you knew when you began this thread what you were going to do. Yes, you did.


----------



## BIL310

Again not a justification but i've been thinking about this and it's surprising how many people actually cheat. I have 10 close friends, 9 of them have cheated on their partner/s. My Dad cheated on my mum. They stayed together. A lot of his friends have cheated on their wives. 

My Wife cheated on me. Her best friend cheated on her husband. I know at least another 6 of her friends have cheated on their partners.
My Father in law cheated on my Wife's mum. On my stag do in Amsterdam years ago he was in and out of rooms with ladies of the night.
Not all the partners know of the cheating however. 

The statistics say at least 50% of people have had affairs or cheated of some sort. I personally think its higher. I think it's extremely difficult for human beings to remain faithful forever. And many of them, even good people make mistakes but never do it again.

I've been out and been asked if i'm married and after telling them yes was told i want you even more than now because you're like forbidden fruit.

At the end of the day we're all human beings and over a lifetime mistakes happen. I certainly wish i hadn't done mine.


----------



## personofinterest

BIL310 said:


> Again not a justification but i've been thinking about this and it's surprising how many people actually cheat. I have 10 close friends, 9 of them have cheated on their partner/s. My Dad cheated on my mum. They stayed together. A lot of his friends have cheated on their wives.
> 
> My Wife cheated on me. Her best friend cheated on her husband. I know at least another 6 of her friends have cheated on their partners.
> My Father in law cheated on my Wife's mum. On my stag do in Amsterdam years ago he was in and out of rooms with ladies of the night.
> Not all the partners know of the cheating however.
> 
> The statistics say at least 50% of people have had affairs or cheated of some sort. I personally think its higher. I think it's extremely difficult for human beings to remain faithful forever. And many of them, even good people make mistakes but never do it again.
> 
> I've been out and been asked if i'm married and after telling them yes was told i want you even more than now because you're like forbidden fruit.
> 
> At the end of the day we're all human beings and over a lifetime mistakes happen. I certainly wish i hadn't done mine.


This entire post makes it clear you don't get it, you are still protecting yourself, and you do not have actual remorse.


----------



## BIL310

personofinterest said:


> This entire post makes it clear you don't get it, you are still protecting yourself, and you do not have actual remorse.


Not at all. You must have missed the part where i said i wish i hadn't have done it.


----------



## sokillme

BIL310 said:


> We can go back and forth forever on how this whole sorry episode has turned out. Yes I should have sat down with my wife and told her how I was feeling.
> 
> What people need to remember is, I didn’t want to leave my wife. That’s why I came on here in the first place. I wanted help in trying to work with my wife to provide me with the things I was missing. I was also willing to give my wife the things she was missing.
> 
> I’m a human being at the end of the day. And especially from a mans point of view when you’re feeling insecure and want to be physically closer to your wife it can be a very lonely time.
> 
> And by the way before someone else jumps on the bandwagon I’m not justifying how this all turned out. But for people saying you should have just ended it before I didn’t want to end it. Yes I might have said if it wasn’t for kids I’d have left before now etc but that was just sheer frustration.
> 
> At my lowest point a woman came along who in my eyes from a physical point of view was absolutely gorgeous. She came onto me. She grabbed my hand. And Yes I gave her my number and told her I was single. Absolving myself of any blame? No. Just presenting the facts as they are. 10 years younger than me and every single one of my mates said I think I love her and I’ve never met her.
> 
> Sorry if that’s not what women want to hear but that’s how a lot of men think. I’m not saying they would have done what I did im just talking about an initial attraction. Would I have gone so far if she didn’t look like she did? No. And I said that before I was caught.
> 
> I deserve all the abuse I’ve received. My wife is going through unbelievable pain as the children will be shortly. I know all this. I can’t change what I did. I know this. Nothing I’ve said above is to try and make myself look any better. I’m simply saying things as they were at the time.
> 
> My ego was boosted. I felt alive again and I didn’t want that feeling to go. However now it’s all out in the open the things I was looking for from this woman regardless of how she looked I only ever wanted from my wife. And that’s never going to happen again. So yes I will concentrate on being the best Father I can now.
> 
> I’ve got no right or deserve to expect anything else.


This post is illuminating and pretty much shows where the problem in your thinking led to all your issues. First of all it's pretty obvious that sex for you is about conquest and status, not about intimacy. Hence the ego boost, as you describe it, of having an attractive women come on to you, and your willingness to give up literally everything to have some empty sex with her. In that way you are not unlike many men. They see women's sexuality as a commodity to trade in, kind of like a sports car or a TV. Hell the whole red pill philosophy is predicated on the notion that success is built around ones sex count. But your example also shows why this thinking is so insidious. (I'm a man by the way.) 

What I mean is, this kind of thinking about sex and ones wife is not going to lead to a healthy sex life with her. It's going to led to her resentment. It will also cause you want to stray, because you "got" your wife, now you need others to validate your worth. Think about it, if your wife used your wallet as a way to reinforce her status mainly because she had low self esteem would you want to spend a lot of money on her? Would you feel like rewarding that behavior? If someone came along who made more money then you, with her thinking, why wouldn't she want to "trade up". Do you see how damaging that is? In the same way your need to judge yourself by the beauty of the person you have sex with isn't going to endear your wife to want to have sex with you. (It's also a strong hallmark of a midlife crisis.)

What your missing is the point of sex is to build intimacy with your wife, you have to wonder if THAT (intimacy) was your motive if you guys would have had a better sex life. This really needs to be your point of attack as you try to address your problems going forward. It could also be a point of healing for both of you, if she was open to it, and if you really got it. 

By the way I am not saying that it's not normal to be attracted to a beautiful women or even that it isn't nice when she comes on to you. But that is kind of a hollow victory isn't' it, it may even work for a short period of time when you are single. And yes sometime sex just for fun is just that, fun. But that's kind of like junk food isn't it? It's fun for a while but you still need true nourishment. And it certainly isn't monogamous marriage. 

If you see women as just things for your gratification, you will eventually get tired of them just like any other things. The worst part of all this is you cheat yourself out of the possibility of really getting to know said women as a person who can enrich your life. You lose the possibility of being truly intimate with her. This is were you and red pill and all of this kind of thinking fails. It fails to address what everyone really needs from there relationship to feel contentment, that's intimacy. Sex is a wonderful part of that. It's a shame you kind of missed that idea. 

This is something for other men who are in the same position you are in to think about. Your wife's sexuality is not a gauge on your self-worth. If you get that then you will be in a better position to address your problems and move forward together or not. The starting point when addressing the problem should be - "I want and need to have sex with you because I want us to experience intimacy. Healthy people want to have sex because it's a fun way to share intimacy and build bonds, strengthening your relationship." If your wife doesn't acknowledge that then you have a problem. But if you are JUST using her to prop up your ego, she probably isn't going to want to do it much.


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> Who is "we"?


Me and @Mr.Married


----------



## BluesPower

BIL310 said:


> That’s just absolute nonsense I’m sorry. I’m not justifying anything I’m simply explaining how I felt at the time and reasons behind why I did it.
> 
> Things just don’t just happen, there are reasons behind everything but that doesn’t make it right or I’m trying to absolve myself of any blame. You can’t change facts. They are part of the whole story.
> 
> When I’m asked by someone why did you do it what answer do you expect me give?
> Lie again and say I don’t know?


Well a better answer to give anyone, would be the following...

"I was a selfish, stupid, moron. Secretly I hated my wife for having an affair, but I did not have the balls to divorce her back then, because I was just too much of a ***.

So instead of doing the right thing, being the *** that I am, I just screwed the first super hot girl that came on to me and blew my marriage up in the worst possible way"....

Something like that is what you probably should say. You know in my first post I told you that you were a beginner and that you were way out of your league for thinking about this.

If I do say so myself, yeah, I was right. You are not ever self aware enough to understand what the nice people here are telling you...

But it is too late now, your wife is done with you I think.

Please try to listen to what people are saying to you... One day it may actually help you become a better person...


----------



## MZMEE

Whoa Whoa Whoa! Beauty isn't everything. Your hormones are racing like crazy over something very superficial and temporary. She could end up being hell. Why would a woman approach you the way she did? My eye brow would raise. If she is such a 10/10 she has probably played men like you for a very long time. She really has some "balls' to just ask you for your number and think she is all that so you would bite. You don't know if this woman is a snake. You don't know if she is about to bait you into something really crazy and then you drop your wife for living hell.

You men crack me up getting all excited just because a woman LOOKS good. You better get past looks real fast because looks aren't everything . You've built a full life for 20 years with your wife and you going crazy over some female who is a 10. What does that say about you? You need to think about what is really important because that chic will not stay a 10 always....then what?

Shake it off and go work on your marriage.


----------



## Anon Ten

BIL310 said:


> you wouldn't think that if i screenshot some of my wifes whats apps.


I disagree. Too many obvious context clues I'm surprised no-one else picked up on.


----------



## FieryHairedLady

BIL310 said:


> She found a hotel booking on my computer, then turned up at the hotel. Yes she wants a divorce. She's very angry at the moment which is very understandable. It was only Wednesday just gone.


SO you mean to tell us after just a few weeks of texting, this other woman was ready to hop on over to a hotel room with you? No dates, no flowers?

She knew you were married?

I am at page 4 /2

I'll keep reading.


----------



## BIL310

Anon Ten said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> 
> you wouldn't think that if i screenshot some of my wifes whats apps.
> 
> 
> 
> I disagree. Too many obvious context clues I'm surprised no-one else picked up on.
Click to expand...

That’s just from tonight. And in case anyone else doubts whether this story is true. I’ve got better things to do than make up a story online.


----------



## BluesPower

FieryHairedLady said:


> SO you mean to tell us after just a few weeks of texting, this other woman was ready to hop on over to a hotel room with you? No dates, no flowers?
> 
> She knew you were married?
> 
> I am at page 4 /2
> 
> I'll keep reading.


No, you may not be the kind of woman that would do this... But it does happen. 

It is almost like a ONS, but she keeps him on the line a little bit to play with him.

Pretty common really. As hard as it is to believe...


----------



## FieryHairedLady

BluesPower said:


> No, you may not be the kind of woman that would do this... But it does happen.
> 
> It is almost like a ONS, but she keeps him on the line a little bit to play with him.
> 
> Pretty common really. As hard as it is to believe...


Horrible behavior on both their parts.

I think blondilocks is onto something regarding the hotel situation.


----------



## sokillme

BIL310 said:


> Again not a justification but i've been thinking about this and it's surprising how many people actually cheat. I have 10 close friends, 9 of them have cheated on their partner/s. My Dad cheated on my mum. They stayed together. A lot of his friends have cheated on their wives.
> 
> My Wife cheated on me. Her best friend cheated on her husband. I know at least another 6 of her friends have cheated on their partners.
> My Father in law cheated on my Wife's mum. On my stag do in Amsterdam years ago he was in and out of rooms with ladies of the night.
> Not all the partners know of the cheating however.
> 
> The statistics say at least 50% of people have had affairs or cheated of some sort. I personally think its higher. I think it's extremely difficult for human beings to remain faithful forever. And many of them, even good people make mistakes but never do it again.
> 
> I've been out and been asked if i'm married and after telling them yes was told i want you even more than now because you're like forbidden fruit.
> 
> At the end of the day we're all human beings and over a lifetime mistakes happen. I certainly wish i hadn't done mine.


Tell your wife that see how it goes over. 

By the way you don't cheat because of other people. You don't cheat because you don't want to be like other people. It's about you, and your honor.


----------



## FieryHairedLady

I kind of think wife has been done with him for a while and this new info has pushed her over the edge.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

BIL310 said:


> At the end of the day we're all human beings and over a lifetime mistakes happen. I certainly wish i hadn't done mine.


Thing is, cheating is not a MISTAKE. Cheating is a conscious CHOICE someone makes. You dont trip and fall into some other person's genitals. It is an on purpose, calculated CHOICE.


----------



## personofinterest

BluesPower said:


> FieryHairedLady said:
> 
> 
> 
> SO you mean to tell us after just a few weeks of texting, this other woman was ready to hop on over to a hotel room with you? No dates, no flowers?
> 
> She knew you were married?
> 
> I am at page 4 /2
> 
> I'll keep reading.
> 
> 
> 
> No, you may not be the kind of woman that would do this... But it does happen.
> 
> It is almost like a ONS, but she keeps him on the line a little bit to play with him.
> 
> Pretty common really. As hard as it is to believe...
Click to expand...

Yeah, it's definitely the OWs fault. I mean, she has the vagina...


----------



## BluesPower

personofinterest said:


> Yeah, it's definitely the OWs fault. I mean, she has the vagina...


Now you know that I am not saying that, come on. 

I am just saying that these women exist. That is all. 

Also, I think there is a lot more to this story that we are not being told. And like @FieryHairedLady said, I really think that his wife was done for a while and need this to end it. 

But who really knows, everyone told him not to, and he did, now he deals with the consequences...


----------



## Adelais

BIL310 said:


> I know someone in a happy marriage doesn't cheat.


Get one thing straight:
Cheaters cheat, period. It doesn't matter whether they are in a happy marriage or in a bad marriage, they cheat. 

Faithful people don't cheat, whether they are in a happy marriage, or in a miserable one.



BIL310 said:


> the things I was looking for from this woman regardless of how she looked I only ever wanted from my wife.


I almost spit my tea out all over my keyboard when I read that! Why didn't you go to your wife for those things then? She was waiting at home for you!

Stop lying to yourself already.

You cheated because you are a child inside, don't have self control, and you wanted what you wanted when you wanted it.

Now that it is time for you to pay the piper, you are making up all sorts of excuses for your lack of honor and integrity.


----------



## ConanHub

Araucaria said:


> Get one thing straight:
> Cheaters cheat, period. It doesn't matter whether they are in a happy marriage or in a bad marriage, they cheat.
> 
> Faithful people don't cheat, whether they are in a happy marriage, or in a miserable one.
> 
> 
> I almost spit my tea out all over my keyboard when I read that! Why didn't you go to your wife for those things then? She was waiting at home for you!
> 
> Stop lying to yourself already.
> 
> You cheated because you are a child inside, don't have self control, and you wanted what you wanted when you wanted it.
> 
> Now that it is time for you to pay the piper, you are making up all sorts of excuses for your lack of honor and integrity.


There is information in his other thread that brings relevance to his statement.

His wife is no peach. That isn't an excuse but it would shed light on his statement.


----------



## personofinterest

ConanHub said:


> Araucaria said:
> 
> 
> 
> Get one thing straight:
> Cheaters cheat, period. It doesn't matter whether they are in a happy marriage or in a bad marriage, they cheat.
> 
> Faithful people don't cheat, whether they are in a happy marriage, or in a miserable one.
> 
> 
> I almost spit my tea out all over my keyboard when I read that! Why didn't you go to your wife for those things then? She was waiting at home for you!
> 
> Stop lying to yourself already.
> 
> You cheated because you are a child inside, don't have self control, and you wanted what you wanted when you wanted it.
> 
> Now that it is time for you to pay the piper, you are making up all sorts of excuses for your lack of honor and integrity.
> 
> 
> 
> There is information in his other thread that brings relevance to his statement.
> 
> His wife is no peach. That isn't an excuse but it would shed light on his statement.
Click to expand...

The thing is, the men defending the OP wouldn't tolerate one word of his spew our of a wayward WIFE'S mouth.


----------



## Adelais

BIL310 said:


> When I’m asked by someone why did you do it what answer do you expect me give?
> Lie again and say I don’t know?


Tell the truth: "Because I am a childish idiot devoid of deeper thought and self control who puts my penis ahead of my wife and children. I only regret my actions when I am personally hurt by them."

Gees! There are tons of beautiful women around who are sexually adventurous. Does that mean that all married men are at risk of ruining their family's lives over them?

NO, because they have forethought and self control.


----------



## ConanHub

personofinterest said:


> The thing is, the men defending the OP wouldn't tolerate one word of his spew our of a wayward WIFE'S mouth.


I'm not defending his bad behavior or condoning it in any way.

I am also trying occasionally to correct inaccurate statements by less informed posters.

If someone wants to hit him with a 2x4, that is fine but they better make sure why they are doing it is accurate and hopefully have some constructive advice as well.

I have been a class A Ass hole and premiere club swinger toward cheaters on this site for years.

I get it at levels maybe some can't even imagine.

Regardless of anything else, constructive advice should be given with the sometimes necessary slaps to get someone's attention.

Should make sure you are slapping someone for the right reasons however.


----------



## MattMatt

*Moderator warning: *

No more troll calling. 

Or further action will be taken.


----------



## MattMatt

@BIL310 So you and your wife are both cheats, but she cheated before you did?

Or did I misread that?

Would couple's counselling be an option, perhaps?


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> The thing is, the men defending the OP wouldn't tolerate one word of his spew our of a wayward WIFE'S mouth.


There are men here defending OP? Who exactly?


----------



## Diana7

BIL310 said:


> Again not a justification but i've been thinking about this and it's surprising how many people actually cheat. I have 10 close friends, 9 of them have cheated on their partner/s. My Dad cheated on my mum. They stayed together. A lot of his friends have cheated on their wives.
> 
> My Wife cheated on me. Her best friend cheated on her husband. I know at least another 6 of her friends have cheated on their partners.
> My Father in law cheated on my Wife's mum. On my stag do in Amsterdam years ago he was in and out of rooms with ladies of the night.
> Not all the partners know of the cheating however.
> 
> The statistics say at least 50% of people have had affairs or cheated of some sort. I personally think its higher. I think it's extremely difficult for human beings to remain faithful forever. And many of them, even good people make mistakes but never do it again.
> 
> I've been out and been asked if i'm married and after telling them yes was told i want you even more than now because you're like forbidden fruit.
> 
> At the end of the day we're all human beings and over a lifetime mistakes happen. I certainly wish i hadn't done mine.


You clearly don't mix with many people who have integrity and moral values or any sort of self control. I know loads of people who are faithful and would never cheat no matter what. As for those people who think its a more exciting when they find out you are married, just disgusting appalling people.

BTW cheating isn't a mistake, its a decision.

No its not extremely difficult for a couple to remain faithful forever. Even if its only 50% of people who manage it, its still billions of people who have never cheated and who never will.


----------



## FieryHairedLady

MattMatt said:


> @BIL310 So you and your wife are both cheats, but she cheated before you did?
> 
> Or did I misread that?
> 
> Would couple's counselling be an option, perhaps?


Probably not as the wife has apparently thrown him out on his ear.

:grin2:


----------



## MattMatt

FieryHairedLady said:


> Probably not as the wife has apparently thrown him out on his ear.
> 
> :grin2:


Oh, dear.

Obviously not a case of what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander?


----------



## mary35

BIL310 said:


> The relationship with the other woman is over. I haven't seen or spoken to her since Wednesday night when she left the hotel.
> The woman didn't know i was married so that also answers that question. The other point about meeting someone else who's got kids and getting married, being a step father etc isn't going to happen. I'll never get married ever again.
> 
> As for repairing my marriage it's not my decision.


 You may be right, but blowing up your marriage by cheating was YOUR decision. You knew the consequences and chose to book a hotel room to have sex with a "hot" virtual stranger. Your decision making skills are very poor, so probably, for your wife's sake, it's a good thing to not let you make any decisions that affect her life at this point - at least the ones she can get away with not giving you a say. Unfortunately, since you both share children, she is stuck with your poor decision making affecting her life and her children's lives for a long time to come. 

For the sake of all of you, especially your children, I hope you figure out how to improve your decision making skills. I can almost guarantee improvement won't happen as long as you keep calling what you did a mistake, or if you keep saying everyone else does the same, or staying monogamous is too hard, and all the other (avoiding responsibility) excuses you have written. Really - it's time to look inside for the answers instead of turning to deflective statements to make you feel better about what you did to your family. We are not buying them and most importantly neither is your wife. The "poor me" statements are not working either. 

What I find really sad, is your lack of true empathy for your wjfe.


I hope you found a good therapist. They have their work cut out.


----------



## AVR1962

BIL310 said:


> The relationship with the other woman is over. I haven't seen or spoken to her since Wednesday night when she left the hotel.
> The woman didn't know i was married so that also answers that question. The other point about meeting someone else who's got kids and getting married, being a step father etc isn't going to happen. I'll never get married ever again.
> 
> As for repairing my marriage it's not my decision.


Wow, lies, cover-ups and denial.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Diana7 said:


> BTW cheating isn't a mistake, its a decision.


This bears repeating. Like a thousand times. 

The second an adulterer characterizes his decision as a "mistake", I know he has no character.


----------



## ConanHub

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> This bears repeating. Like a thousand times.
> 
> The second an adulterer characterizes his decision as a "mistake", I know he has no character.


I've seen it as a very common mistake that cheaters make, calling a bad choice a mistake.

There are some good folks who are former waywards that initially made that same mistake.


----------



## Mr.Married

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator warning: *
> 
> No more troll calling.
> 
> Or further action will be taken.


Fair enough ...... But I at least get to hold him accountable for my lose of appetite for bacon :surprise:


----------



## BIL310

There’s been numerous posts now saying how I’ve got no genuine remorse or I’ve tried to play down that severity of what I’ve done.

I’ve said quite a few times now that I’m not justifying anything I’ve done. And I’m more remorseful than anyone will ever know. I’m also simply providing more of a background to the whole picture.

For those that have said why didn’t I confide in my wife how I was feeling - my wife was fully aware of how I was feeling about our love life and affection etc. I’ve posted about this in other threads on this site for 2 years. This isn’t a bolt from the blue for her. Has she tried to improve things and work on that side after numerous discussions? I don’t feel like she has. Again not saying it’s her fault for my actions in relation to that I’m merely stating a fact.

Sitting down and talking about it made no difference. The general discussion usually ended up with her saying it’s all about me, poor me etc. I’m not sure how you can bring up a subject like that and it not being about me. I was just stating how I felt and what we could work on to improve things on that area. The both of us. 

Yes I made a conscious decision to do what I did over the last few weeks. So for the people being pedantic over the word mistake, I regret my actions. It was a poor choice and didn’t provide any solution to the issues I was seeking to resolve. 

I didn’t think I could forgive her after what she did and over time I did and we’ve had 7 years together since with a lot of happy times. I just hope she can do the same although that’s looking as far away as ever.


----------



## mary35

BIL310 What exactly were the issues you were seeking to resolve in your marriage before you chose to cheat?


----------



## manfromlamancha

I am not going to berate you for this (although normally I would).

Your marriage has been toast for some time now and even in your old posts in 2017 you were advised to end this marriage as your wife did not appear to have any real affection for you at all. 

You chose to stay and try and make it work. Did your wife **** up ? Yes she did. She absolutely slept with the guy in Spain (how many UK guys has this happened to, eh- the infamous ladies only holidays to Spain). And she was going to do it again until you caught her. For all you know, she has been having her flings all the time - this was just the one you caught. And the ease with which she appeared to dismiss it and give it up suggests there have been others and she wasn't too worried about it as she knew how to hide it well.

Now you ****ed up too. We told you at the start of this thread to not do it but you went ahead and she caught you and is making the most of it. She has probably wanted out of this marriage for some time. I do understand why telling her how you feel would have fallen on deaf ears as it has for all this time. However, what you failed to do was realise this marriage was over and act on it - you seem to be overwhelmed by your financial problems to be able to deal with the rest of your life properly.

You need to start getting your act together:

Realise that you have messed up and take responsibility for it.

Understand that she also messed up and do not rugsweep it any longer.

Understand that she is not going to listen to anything you have to say and get your divorce going while protecting your custody rights and also be fair but do not take any sh!t in the divorce settlement.

Get yourself a support group or else lean on people here to help you through this.

Do not leave the house until you are ready to.

Do not allow her to dictate what gets said to the kids - remember she screwed up too - and first, before you did - and probably more than once.

Her friends are toxic to the marriage and probably supported everything she has done in the past. Make sure she understands that you know this and dont really want them around your kids.

And finally take care of yourself physically.

Good luck mate!


----------



## Rubix Cubed

@BIL310, Your marriage is done, you stuck the fork in it and your wife was looking for that "out" for some time. It's time to move on and hopefully not make the same stupid mistakes next time. Even if you could wave a magic wand and continue your marriage, do you have even half a clue of the hell you both would be living in and subjecting your kids to?

p.s. Every time you say "I'm not justifying, but" or "Not a justification" that that IS exactly what you are doing?
You were told what would happen before you did it and even acknowledged that "this can not end well". You nailed it, it didn't end well, but you DO need to realize that it has ended because it has. It's done, no way to fix it, and no time machine.


----------



## sokillme

BIL310 said:


> There’s been numerous posts now saying how I’ve got no genuine remorse or I’ve tried to play down that severity of what I’ve done.
> 
> I’ve said quite a few times now that I’m not justifying anything I’ve done. And I’m more remorseful than anyone will ever know. I’m also simply providing more of a background to the whole picture.
> 
> For those that have said why didn’t I confide in my wife how I was feeling - my wife was fully aware of how I was feeling about our love life and affection etc. I’ve posted about this in other threads on this site for 2 years. This isn’t a bolt from the blue for her. Has she tried to improve things and work on that side after numerous discussions? I don’t feel like she has. Again not saying it’s her fault for my actions in relation to that I’m merely stating a fact.
> 
> Sitting down and talking about it made no difference. The general discussion usually ended up with her saying it’s all about me, poor me etc. I’m not sure how you can bring up a subject like that and it not being about me. I was just stating how I felt and what we could work on to improve things on that area. The both of us.
> 
> Yes I made a conscious decision to do what I did over the last few weeks. So for the people being pedantic over the word mistake, I regret my actions. It was a poor choice and didn’t provide any solution to the issues I was seeking to resolve.
> 
> I didn’t think I could forgive her after what she did and over time I did and we’ve had 7 years together since with a lot of happy times. I just hope she can do the same although that’s looking as far away as ever.


So you cheated, it was wrong. Your marriage doesn't sound all that great though. At this point you should just end it and move on with your life. I feel like you really just want what you can't have. You were done with your marriage and desperately wanted this women you cheated with, and now that you can' have your wife you want her. I think you are addicted to the drama. You should go work on that.


----------



## Wazza

BIL310, what is done is done. You can't change it. You also can't make your wife stay if she chooses not to. That's up to her, and while it's not certain I think the odds are that she won't.

But your kids need you. For their sake, you have to pick yourself up and do the best you can with the situation, for them.


----------



## sunsetmist

I don't know the laws. Could it be that he is going to miss his wife's larger salary since he is having financial problems?


----------



## BIL310

manfromlamancha said:


> I am not going to berate you for this (although normally I would).
> 
> Your marriage has been toast for some time now and even in your old posts in 2017 you were advised to end this marriage as your wife did not appear to have any real affection for you at all.
> 
> You chose to stay and try and make it work. Did your wife **** up ? Yes she did. She absolutely slept with the guy in Spain (how many UK guys has this happened to, eh- the infamous ladies only holidays to Spain). And she was going to do it again until you caught her. For all you know, she has been having her flings all the time - this was just the one you caught. And the ease with which she appeared to dismiss it and give it up suggests there have been others and she wasn't too worried about it as she knew how to hide it well.
> 
> Now you ****ed up too. We told you at the start of this thread to not do it but you went ahead and she caught you and is making the most of it. She has probably wanted out of this marriage for some time. I do understand why telling her how you feel would have fallen on deaf ears as it has for all this time. However, what you failed to do was realise this marriage was over and act on it - you seem to be overwhelmed by your financial problems to be able to deal with the rest of your life properly.
> 
> You need to start getting your act together:
> 
> Realise that you have messed up and take responsibility for it.
> 
> Understand that she also messed up and do not rugsweep it any longer.
> 
> Understand that she is not going to listen to anything you have to say and get your divorce going while protecting your custody rights and also be fair but do not take any sh!t in the divorce settlement.
> 
> Get yourself a support group or else lean on people here to help you through this.
> 
> Do not leave the house until you are ready to.
> 
> Do not allow her to dictate what gets said to the kids - remember she screwed up too - and first, before you did - and probably more than once.
> 
> Her friends are toxic to the marriage and probably supported everything she has done in the past. Make sure she understands that you know this and dont really want them around your kids.
> 
> And finally take care of yourself physically.
> 
> Good luck mate!


Thanks. I've not been back in the house since the night before it happened apart from looking after the kids alone for a few hours. Other than that i agree with everything you say.

I've got a counselling session booked on Feb 13th. And i'm also throwing myself into work whilst i've got more time on my hands to solve my financial problems.


----------



## BIL310

I’ve had a few days to think about this and we’ve also just told our two boys we’re splitting up. Which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

According to most of the replies on this and my other threads previous to my cheating the common theme was I should leave my wife. In this thread it was anger at my subsequent actions that followed which is completely understandable.

After having several conversations with my Wife and having herself rated our sex life as 4/10 just after Christmas it was clear there was unhappiness in that department on both sides.

However only one person tried to improve things and that was me. So I was left in an impossible situation whereby I continued in a relationship which we both feel was lacking in a certain area but only one of us willing to try and improve. Leave and divorce my wife because of this reason or meet someone else and fulfill my needs elsewhere.

I made a terrible decision with the 3rd option. Not that was looking for it it just happened. The outcome however would have been the same. The marriage was ending because of my Wife being unwilling to improve in areas of our marriage she also felt was lacking.

The two options of me leaving her would have resulted in both our children told the devastating news that they heard tonight.

Starting to get bit angry about the thing now I’m being honest.


----------



## aine

BIL310 said:


> Blame shifting how? I'm not blaming her at all. I blame myself for everything.


I call BS on this, many happily married people cheat.
It's called being an opportunist, and you were most definitely one. You didn't give a **** about your family or marriage then.
Even after people on TAM gave you solid advice to deal with the issue, tell your wife, etc, you *chose* to ignore them. It is all about *choices*. If you had not been caught by your wife, I suspect you would still be in the game. This is simply *cheaters regret*, nothing more or nothing less.
Until you really understand the damage you have caused to your wife and kids, you are still the same person, making it all about you and your pain. You need to change your perspective big time.


----------



## aine

BIL310 said:


> We can go back and forth forever on how this whole sorry episode has turned out. Yes I should have sat down with my wife and told her how I was feeling.
> 
> What people need to remember is, I didn’t want to leave my wife. Of course you don't, cheaters usually want it all, the wife and kids and the kibbles on the sideThat’s why I came on here in the first place. I wanted help in trying to work with my wife to provide me with the things I was missing. I was also willing to give my wife the things she was missing. No you were not willing to listen to anything anyone told you, you ignored every single bit of advice
> 
> I’m a human being at the end of the day. More justification, blah blah blah And especially from a mans point of view when you’re feeling insecure and want to be physically closer to your wife it can be a very lonely time.So another justification for your cheating
> 
> And by the way before someone else jumps on the bandwagon I’m not justifying how this all turnedThat is all you have done in the first two paragraphs, justify justify justify out. But for people saying you should have just ended it before I didn’t want to end it. You are being honest for onceYes I might have said if it wasn’t for kids I’d have left before now etc but that was just sheer frustration.
> 
> At my lowest point a woman came along who in my eyes from a physical point of view was absolutely gorgeous. She came onto me.So it is her fault, you just happened to end up semi naked in a hotel room, yeah sure She grabbed my hand. And Yes I gave her my number and told her I was single. You knew exactly what you were doingAbsolving myself of any blame? No. Just presenting the facts as they are. 10 years younger than me and every single one of my mates said I think I love her and I’ve never met her. You are the MAN, for sure
> 
> Sorry if that’s not what women want to hear but that’s how a lot of men think. I’m not saying they would have done what I did im just talking about an initial attraction. Would I have gone so far if she didn’t look like she did? No. And I said that before I was caught.Yes, men can be attracted to a good looking woman but there are many men with integrity who know how to look away and go home to their wives, they don't let their prick do the thinking for them
> 
> I deserve all the abuse I’ve received. My wife is going through unbelievable pain as the children will be shortly. I know all this. I can’t change what I did. I know this. Nothing I’ve said above is to try and make myself look any better. I’m simply saying things as they were at the time. You are still justifying your actions, blaming the girl, blaming your marriage, etc. Has it crossed your mind at all that you are really just a self serving self centred man who just wants what he wants and to hell with the consequences. Have you heard of self control, integrity?
> 
> My ego was boosted. I felt alive again and I didn’t want that feeling to go. However now it’s all out in the open the things I was looking for from this woman regardless of how she looked I only ever wanted from my wife. And that’s never going to happen again. So yes I will concentrate on being the best Father I can now. Sadly, you put a nuclear bomb in the middle of your marriage and family, only sadly others suffer the consequences of your actions
> 
> I’ve got no right or deserve to expect anything else.


Stop with the 'oh woe is me' bull ****, you went into this with eyes wide open. You are not the victim her, your kids and wife are the victims. You made a CHOICE, the did not


----------



## aine

BIL310 said:


> Again not a justification but i've been thinking about this and it's surprising how many people actually cheat. I have 10 close friends, 9 of them have cheated on their partner/s. My Dad cheated on my mum. They stayed together. A lot of his friends have cheated on their wives.
> 
> My Wife cheated on me. Her best friend cheated on her husband. I know at least another 6 of her friends have cheated on their partners.
> My Father in law cheated on my Wife's mum. On my stag do in Amsterdam years ago he was in and out of rooms with ladies of the night.
> Not all the partners know of the cheating however.
> 
> The statistics say at least 50% of people have had affairs or cheated of some sort. I personally think its higher. I think it's extremely difficult for human beings to remain faithful forever. And many of them, even good people make mistakes but never do it again.
> 
> I've been out and been asked if i'm married and after telling them yes was told i want you even more than now because you're like forbidden fruit.
> 
> At the end of the day we're all human beings and over a lifetime mistakes happen. I certainly wish i hadn't done mine.


Is this how you manage to sleep at night by justifying your actions? I guess the people you associate with are the kind who do this but let me tell you there are also many people out there who actually value their marriages, value their families and lead their lives with integrity and honesty. Obviously you are surrounded by people who don't but none of them made you do what you do. This is simply more justification.

Why are you so hell bent on justifying yourself, tell these stats to your wife, do you think it will help. She won't give a damn cause she aint married to any of the statistics, she married YOU and you betrayed her.


----------



## ConanHub

OP, I do believe you need help to get to where you are able to come to grips with your situation.

Several posters are accurately pointing out that you are trying to justify or mitigate your bad decisions.

You are also overly flogging yourself in your posts.

It is ok to own it my man.

I would have given the wife her walking papers 7 years ago and then blazed a hot new trail with someone else.

You just skipped the part where you kicked the tart to the curb first.

You made a bad choice but it was actually staying married to that smelly fish.

You needed real affection and when another lady gave it, you pounced on it like a starving man on a sandwich.

Get healthy. Get rid of the dead fish, then get a lady like the one you got in trouble with but don't lie to her.

Easy as 123 dude.

P.S. None of this prevents you from being an awesome dad!

Get healthy for them especially. I certainly don't think your wife is worth your efforts.

Accept the divorce but don't be a wimp. Move back and calmly, work on your separation and a coparenting plan.

You did wrong her. You have apologized and should accept the divorce but you shouldn't let her run rough shod over you.

You lack strength and I get it but you need to get your backbone and balls out of her purse.

Your kids need you to be strong for them, you need to get stronger for yourself and your future lady needs a man that can own his ****, do what it takes to make things right and occasionally stand up to her as well as for her.

Get well partner!


----------



## aine

When and if his wife cheated he should have walked then or dealt with it then. Of course there is built up,resentment, now OP you see that cheating solves nothing. The noble thing to have done is told her you wanted a divorce if she was not being who you wanted her to be


----------



## BIL310

aine said:


> When and if his wife cheated he should have walked then or dealt with it then. Of course there is built up,resentment, now OP you see that cheating solves nothing. The noble thing to have done is told her you wanted a divorce if she was not being who you wanted her to be


I’ve seen this from a few replies now. And also from my own wife. There’s not a chance in the world I would have simply ended my marriage and put my kids through what they are now because their Dad wanted more affection from their mum.

I’ve thought about that in the past. And every single time my conscious decision was that would be the most selfish thing ever to do to them.

Obviously because my tryst has come out I now look very selfish and weak. I needed a to fulfill a need and after a couple of years fighting it circumstances came together for me to try and fulfil it. Hindsight has shown me whether I’d been caught or not it wasn’t what I wanted. 

There’s a very high probability I would never have seen the girl again after that night and I would have carried on with my normal life trying to work on things with my Wife.

Again before anyone has a go at me over this, from my personal experience at least 90% of the couples I know either the man or the woman has cheated, neither know about it and they have happy relationships. Some people forget we’re all human beings and mistakes happen.


----------



## manfromlamancha

BIL310 said:


> I’ve seen this from a few replies now. And also from my own wife. There’s not a chance in the world I would have simply ended my marriage and put my kids through what they are now because their Dad wanted more affection from their mum.
> 
> I’ve thought about that in the past. And every single time my conscious decision was that would be the most selfish thing ever to do to them.
> 
> Obviously because my tryst has come out I now look very selfish and weak. I needed a to fulfill a need and after a couple of years fighting it circumstances came together for me to try and fulfil it. Hindsight has shown me whether I’d been caught or not it wasn’t what I wanted.
> 
> There’s a very high probability I would never have seen the girl again after that night and I would have carried on with my normal life trying to work on things with my Wife.
> 
> Again before anyone has a go at me over this, from my personal experience at least 90% of the couples I know either the man or the woman has cheated, neither know about it and they have happy relationships. Some people forget we’re all human beings and mistakes happen.


OP, you need to stop referring to this as a mistake!!!! It was a conscious, lustful, selfish decision that you wilfully made and the whole idea of coming here was to get advice on how to improve yourself and better yourself. So stop making ANY excuses for cheating. 

I did say I will not berate you so I won't do it. Take the first positive steps in your relationship by distancing yourself from cheaters, infidelity and also by recognising that you need to own what you did or intended to do. I know that you think you need to stay with a cheater because you have kids but the collective experience here has shown that in time this will actually be more damaging to your kids - for one, they will learn that it is OK to cheat and also that it is OK to accept this kind of abuse from a spouse. Better off in a family that is split with a role model dad that they can look up to.


----------



## BIL310

manfromlamancha said:


> BIL310 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I’ve seen this from a few replies now. And also from my own wife. There’s not a chance in the world I would have simply ended my marriage and put my kids through what they are now because their Dad wanted more affection from their mum.
> 
> I’ve thought about that in the past. And every single time my conscious decision was that would be the most selfish thing ever to do to them.
> 
> Obviously because my tryst has come out I now look very selfish and weak. I needed a to fulfill a need and after a couple of years fighting it circumstances came together for me to try and fulfil it. Hindsight has shown me whether I’d been caught or not it wasn’t what I wanted.
> 
> There’s a very high probability I would never have seen the girl again after that night and I would have carried on with my normal life trying to work on things with my Wife.
> 
> Again before anyone has a go at me over this, from my personal experience at least 90% of the couples I know either the man or the woman has cheated, neither know about it and they have happy relationships. Some people forget we’re all human beings and mistakes happen.
> 
> 
> 
> OP, you need to stop referring to this as a mistake!!!! It was a conscious, lustful, selfish decision that you wilfully made and the whole idea of coming here was to get advice on how to improve yourself and better yourself. So stop making ANY excuses for cheating.
> 
> I did say I will not berate you so I won't do it. Take the first positive steps in your relationship by distancing yourself from cheaters, infidelity and also by recognising that you need to own what you did or intended to do. I know that you think you need to stay with a cheater because you have kids but the collective experience here has shown that in time this will actually be more damaging to your kids - for one, they will learn that it is OK to cheat and also that it is OK to accept this kind of abuse from a spouse. Better off in a family that is split with a role model dad that they can look up to.
Click to expand...

I believe it’s a mistake because I done it once and would have never done it again. Once as it actually going to a hotel room. You could call flirting by messages cheating but I work from home and people flirt face to face with work colleagues every day. Yes it was a conscious choice but as a one off it can be referred to as a mistake. Habitually making choices that lead to cheating is certainly not a mistake. And that’s from a google site for those being pedantic about the choice of words.

Distance myself from cheaters? Every single person I know has done some form of cheating. We’re talking a lot of people not 20-30. Are you suggesting I move away from all these people and start a new life on my own. I think you need to get your head out of the clouds. There’s probably a 90% chance you or your partner has cheated on you without either knowing. There’s a 42% chance you’ll get divorced if married.

These facts have got to nothing to do with my actions just my experience of life and how human beings are. It’s especially true for couples who’ve together a long time. human beings aren’t perfect.

I was with my wife and after 21 years made a selfish choice which I now bitterly regret. We’re not robots.


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## BIL310

And for the record my children don’t know anything about cheating. They don’t need to know that reason we’ve split up.


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## manfromlamancha

Well you can carry on thinking it was a mistake but you decided to do it. A mistake is when you accidentally put salt in your tea instead of sugar.

And by distance yourself from cheaters, what I meant is do not be married to one - I do not care about your colleagues, neighbours or anyone else.

And yes sadly we all have to deal with cheaters. That is why we come to places like TAM! This is about getting your head out of the clouds!

For your own sake understand what it will take (from you) to not do this again - that is, not stay with a cheating wife, not cheat as a response to that, make better choices with future partners etc.


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## Faithful Wife

We all told you exactly what was going to happen and even now that’s it’s happened you still don’t believe it. 

Ok sure, you just made a mistake that everyone should forget and you should have your old life back and it’s everyone else’s fault that you ended up where you are anyway, because they drove you to try to **** another woman. And now that you were forced to make that mistake which they drove you to make, and therefore you deserve not only their forgiveness but also their love and support.

You can live in this fantasy as long as you want to. It’s not much different than the fantasy you were living in before where you were telling yourself that it was ok to lie to a woman and get her number and then mentally go ape **** crazy because she’s “so hot” and just forget all about your family while you spend every waking moment trying to plan a way to get into hot girls pants.

The reality of your situation is what it is and we keep telling you what it is, yet with the evidence right in your face of what we have been saying, you still don’t believe it’s happening. You are clinging to the fantasy that your “mistake” should be overlooked and you are entitled to have your old life back.

Dream on.


----------



## BIL310

Faithful Wife said:


> We all told you exactly what was going to happen and even now that’s it’s happened you still don’t believe it.
> 
> Ok sure, you just made a mistake that everyone should forget and you should have your old life back and it’s everyone else’s fault that you ended up where you are anyway, because they drove you to try to **** another woman. And now that you were forced to make that mistake which they drove you to make, and therefore you deserve not only their forgiveness but also their love and support.
> 
> You can live in this fantasy as long as you want to. It’s not much different than the fantasy you were living in before where you were telling yourself that it was ok to lie to a woman and get her number and then mentally go ape **** crazy because she’s “so hot” and just forget all about your family while you spend every waking moment trying to plan a way to get into hot girls pants.
> 
> The reality of your situation is what it is and we keep telling you what it is, yet with the evidence right in your face of what we have been saying, you still don’t believe it’s happening. You are clinging to the fantasy that your “mistake” should be overlooked and you are entitled to have your old life back.
> 
> Dream on.


I'm not saying anything of that, i don't just expect to have my old life back. I do think the mistakes/decision (whatever you want to call it) i made should not overlooked but i do believe i should be given a second chance. It happened once in 21 years. I didn't have a 3 month or a 4 year affair. I believe human beings deserve second chances. Hence why i forgave my Wife. But thats just me. Everyone is different.


----------



## Faithful Wife

BIL310 said:


> I'm not saying anything of that, i don't just expect to have my old life back. I do think the mistakes/decision (whatever you want to call it) i made should not overlooked but i do believe i should be given a second chance. It happened once in 21 years. I didn't have a 3 month or a 4 year affair. I believe human beings deserve second chances. Hence why i forgave my Wife. But thats just me. Everyone is different.


OK well if you want to be more specific...yeah, your fantasy that you are a better person than your wife because you could forgive but she can’t should take you far. Just live in that place where you are the better person and everyone else has issues as evidenced by their inability to forgive you. Stay there and keep telling yourself all about your own victimhood.

Whichever version of this fantasy you want to choose, you’ve still got your head in the sand.

But you can always tell yourself that is someone else’s fault, too.


----------



## Diana7

I suspect that if your wife hadn't walked in on you, you would still be meeting this OW in hotel rooms. 
Why wouldn't you? I find it hard to believe that you would have done it once and then suddenly seen the light and stopped. 
People are very 'remorseful' once they are caught. You went into this with the full knowledge of what may happen. 

You keep on implying that most people cheat, well they don't actually. I don't know what sort of friends you have where 90% have cheated, if I were you I would stay away from such immoral friends and their terrible influence on you. I know far far more marriages where there was no cheating than where there was. Its thought that 50% cheat, well that leaves billions who didn't, no matter what their marriage is like. So what if others do cheat anyway, what does that say about their character and integrity?

Adultery has terrible consequences, I have seen this in my own family, and one is that you deeply hurt your children and break up the family. It has far reaching consequences that goes far wider as well, affecting the grandparents and wider family and friends. 
Its like opening the front door and throwing in a grenade leaving your family bleeding and bruised. Honestly what did you think was going to happen? You must have known that you were risking tearing their lives apart, and despite many warnings here, you went ahead anyway as clearly this immoral woman who thinks its ok to go after a man in the bar not even knowing if he is married or in a relationships was worth more than them. 

As for the phrase you used 'its just happened', complete and utter nonsense. It may have just happened that this women came up to you and flirted, but the rest was all your decision and planning to meet her elsewhere. A good man would have said I am not interested and left. In fact a sensible wise married man would not even go out with a group of men to a bar and get drunk in the first place. Its asking for trouble.


----------



## turnera

BIL310 said:


> I believe it’s a mistake because I done it once and would have never done it again.


And you know this how? Just like drunks will never take another drink? Or smokers another cigarette? We all have grand plans for ourselves. What matters are our actions. So, so far, yours, no matter what your wife has done, have proven that you WILL cheat.

You get to wear that around your neck for the rest of your life. That you seem to brush it off as 'everyone does it' doesn't bode well for your future plans.



> Distance myself from cheaters? Every single person I know has done some form of cheating. We’re talking a lot of people not 20-30. Are you suggesting I move away from all these people and start a new life on my own. I think you need to get your head out of the clouds. There’s probably a 90% chance you or your partner has cheated on you without either knowing. There’s a 42% chance you’ll get divorced if married.


Actually, yes. There was a time when people DID choose to cut people out of their lives for being immoral or just a sh*tty person who cheats. And yes, people still DO cut people out of their lives for such things. The fact that you think that's stupid is actually a reflection on your own morals.

_shrug_ Do what you're gonna do. But you aren't winning any points by saying you 'bitterly regret' that you 'almost' made a 'mistake' in the same breath. You were LITERALLY in a bed in your underwear, in a hotel room, with a naked woman.

Is that what you want your kids to grow up thinking is ok? If not, be better.


----------



## turnera

BIL310 said:


> I'm not saying anything of that, i don't just expect to have my old life back. I do think the mistakes/decision (whatever you want to call it) i made should not overlooked but i do believe i should be given a second chance. It happened once in 21 years. I didn't have a 3 month or a 4 year affair. I believe human beings deserve second chances. Hence why i forgave my Wife. But thats just me. Everyone is different.


Do you know who gets second chances? People who don't make excuses for their poor choices nor downplay the significance of them. People who move heaven and earth to make up for those choices, show utter humility, and beg forgiveness. Not guys who say it was just a mistake, or she's been a bad wife, or it would never happen a second time. People who accept 100% responsibility.

I have hope for you. At least you're here, listening.


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## sunsetmist

Dense. Argumentative. Stubborn. Selfish. I think he just wants the last word.


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## ConanHub

A mistake is over cooking spaghetti or serving sake cold.

You made a bad choice. I understand your choice of words but that is indeed a mistake, to refer to your poor choices as a mistake.

You were mistaken in your judgement when you made your decision but you chose to go too far with the other woman.

Please stop rationalizing, justifying and excusing, minimizing and mislabeling your bad choice.

It isn't really helping you.


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## Openminded

BIL310 said:


> I'm not saying anything of that, i don't just expect to have my old life back. I do think the mistakes/decision (whatever you want to call it) i made should not overlooked but i do believe i should be given a second chance. It happened once in 21 years. I didn't have a 3 month or a 4 year affair. I believe human beings deserve second chances. Hence why i forgave my Wife. But thats just me. Everyone is different.


Yes, everyone is different. Perhaps if your wife didn't have that mind movie permanently in her head of what she saw at the hotel she might be more inclined to give you a second chance. Or not -- who knows. What matters is that she's not interested in that now, or possibly ever, so it's time to move on.


----------



## turnera

BIL310 said:


> And for the record my children don’t know anything about cheating. They don’t need to know that reason we’ve split up.


My dad cheated on my mom when I was 12. She was a nurse working 3-11 shift, so she wasn't home cooking for him and giving him sex every night like he deserved. She kicked him out when she caught him. He went out and tried to screw all the women he 'deserved' as he was now a free man. Nobody would have him except other middle-aged women with kids. So he came crawling back to my mom. She told him to pound sand. And she stayed happily single the rest of her life.

Unfortunately, that's not what I grew up THINKING. Because they didn't want the kids to know the truth.

So i grew up thinking my dad left my mom cos she wasn't good enough, cos she wouldn't cook for him. Thinking the man has all the power, that if you don't please the man, he leaves you. When I started dating, I'd try to say no to sex and every.single.guy dumped me when I said no. So, trusting what I saw in my parents, I stopped saying no. Those guys just proved out what I thought my dad did.

I didn't learn the truth until I was around 50 and it shook me to my core. Had I known, as a teenager, that my mom (1) kicked my dad out for cheating and (2) wouldn't let him come back - two very strong actions by a woman - it would have changed my entire life. All my adult life I made decisions believing women had no power, women had to get married, women get kicked out if they don't do what they're told, men walk on water.

I know this isn't your situation. I'm just telling you what a kid does when they don't have the truth - they fill IN the void (of not having the truth) with what a kid might believe, in a kid-altered way.

Kids are resilient. If you tell them the truth, they'll accept it and move on. "Mommy can't have a boyfriend once she's married and she was considering having a boyfriend. Daddy can't have a girlfriend once she's married and daddy messed up and was looking for a girlfriend. But we both realized we shouldn't be doing that, so we're going to do the right thing and separate so you'll have two happy homes where we can focus on you guys."

Cos I promise you, they WILL learn the truth. And if they find out you lied to them, it will be YOU they blame. I was SO mad at my mom when she finally told me the truth, because withholding the truth is what caused me to have such a ****ty adulthood.


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## 3Xnocharm

Always, always, always tell your kids the truth. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Jacint

I've felt what you say you feel. Made the mistake you're considering doing. Ruined, changed the route of 4 families.
My life's been **** ever since. 
Snap out of it, be a brave man, love the one you're with, strengthen the family you're in.


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## Satisfied Mind

BIL310, your wife is done with you -- based on your posting history, she's probably been done with you for awhile.

You made the horrible decision to cheat because your life was not what you wanted and you felt like less than a man. Your finances were in the toilet. You weren't getting what you wanted from your marriage. And, even if you had somehow managed to bury your wife's cheating in the back of your mind, that had to be eating away at your confidence, too.

The irony is that what really makes a man is how he responds in times like that -- when things are at their lowest. You could have thrown yourself into improving yourself, your situation and your marriage, but you didn't. You claim that you tried to work on things with your wife (and that she didn't put in the effort), but I have to call BS. If you were as self-centered in your marriage as you have portrayed yourself in this thread, there is no way you were in the right frame of mind to do what was required to improve/save your marriage. 

Instead, you turned to alcohol to escape your problems and another woman for a quick ego fix. And you did it deliberately. You knew what the consequences of this would be as soon as you started this thread, but you kept going, taking conscious step after conscious step in the wrong direction. It wasn't one "mistake" or even one bad decision. It was calculated bad decision after bad decision designed only to gratify yourself and devastate your family.

And worst of all, instead of owning this **** storm you created like a man and demonstrating unequivocal remorse, you've thrown out dozens of reasons for why this happened, none of which are your fault. You claim that you take full responsibility, but every other word says the opposite. Despite the history of cheating in your circle (you really need a better set of friends), plenty of folks find themselves in situations where their lives are down, they aren't getting the affection they want, and they still avoid the temptation to cheat. What went wrong in this situation wasn't your circumstances, it was your character.

I don't write all this to pile on you (although you deserve it). I hope you're able to take stock of who you really are and what you've really done in this situation and make the changes required to become a man for yourself, to be the example your boys need, and for your future relationships.

Good luck to you and your family.


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## sokillme

turnera said:


> My dad cheated on my mom when I was 12. She was a nurse working 3-11 shift, so she wasn't home cooking for him and giving him sex every night like he deserved. She kicked him out when she caught him. He went out and tried to screw all the women he 'deserved' as he was now a free man. Nobody would have him except other middle-aged women with kids. So he came crawling back to my mom. She told him to pound sand. And she stayed happily single the rest of her life.
> 
> Unfortunately, that's not what I grew up THINKING. Because they didn't want the kids to know the truth.
> 
> So i grew up thinking my dad left my mom cos she wasn't good enough, cos she wouldn't cook for him. Thinking the man has all the power, that if you don't please the man, he leaves you. When I started dating, I'd try to say no to sex and every.single.guy dumped me when I said no. So, trusting what I saw in my parents, I stopped saying no. Those guys just proved out what I thought my dad did.
> 
> I didn't learn the truth until I was around 50 and it shook me to my core. Had I known, as a teenager, that my mom (1) kicked my dad out for cheating and (2) wouldn't let him come back - two very strong actions by a woman - it would have changed my entire life. All my adult life I made decisions believing women had no power, women had to get married, women get kicked out if they don't do what they're told, men walk on water.
> 
> I know this isn't your situation. I'm just telling you what a kid does when they don't have the truth - they fill IN the void (of not having the truth) with what a kid might believe, in a kid-altered way.
> 
> Kids are resilient. If you tell them the truth, they'll accept it and move on. "Mommy can't have a boyfriend once she's married and she was considering having a boyfriend. Daddy can't have a girlfriend once she's married and daddy messed up and was looking for a girlfriend. But we both realized we shouldn't be doing that, so we're going to do the right thing and separate so you'll have two happy homes where we can focus on you guys."
> 
> Cos I promise you, they WILL learn the truth. And if they find out you lied to them, it will be YOU they blame. I was SO mad at my mom when she finally told me the truth, because withholding the truth is what caused me to have such a ****ty adulthood.


My Dad cheated on my Mom and I ended up figuring it out. Frankly I am glad I did. I respect my Mom for moving on quickly. In a way I also respect that my Dad at the very least didn't string my Mom along and didn't lie about it. He told her right away and then I think they both decided to move on and divorce. So it was an exit affair. He has since followed this pattern in another of his relationships. 

I am very close to my Dad still to this day but I know what he is and who he is. I wouldn't want to be married to him. I think you should tell your kids, you are sorry for what you did you should tell them that too. I don't think most kids need their parents to be perfect. They need their parents to be honest and involved. My Dad has a big failing. 

My Dad's cheating has actually probably kept me more on the straight and narrow then I would have been. I will admit I have read here and else where because I wonder if I don't have some of my Dad's wonder lust in me. It's a good reminder to myself about what his infidelity cost me and my family. 

Tell your kids when they are age appropriate. It's the right thing to do and it will make your relationship honest and real.


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## StillSearching

3Xnocharm said:


> Always, always, always tell your kids the truth.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Unless it's Santa Claus.
They have got to believe there's some magic in this cold world.


----------



## BIL310

It's been 5 weeks now since my Wife found out about my affair. During that time i've been through every emotion possible. Including a serious issue with my business which has resulted in even more severe financial problems to add to the mix.

My marriage is over. My Wife has made that perfectly clear. I'm writing this post now more of a lesson to other people who were in the position i was when i first posted on this thread or even thinking about it.

My life is now completely unrecognisable to what is was before. I live in a room in my parents house. I see my children almost every day (as i do the school runs) but i only have them overnight 2/3 times a week. When i have the kids overnight it means moving back and forth playstations, xboxes, clothes and even a large screen TV from their house to my mums house. 

I've wasted £1900 in the last 3 weeks on going out drinking and other things trying to fill my time and keep myself occupied. I haven't slept more than 3 hours straight in 5 weeks unless i've taken a sleeping tablet or been drunk. I've gone through stages of not being bothered to crying my eyes out with that i've done. I've walked into my mums kitchen downstairs to make myself something breakfast or dinner and she smokes in the kitchen and it stinks so i've just walked out and not eaten anything all day. I used to have a brand new 4 bedroom house. I have literally an hour of feeling better and then the next hour i'm depressed. I've had my Father in law crying to me that things are never going to be the same. I've had my friends tell me they've argued with their wives after discussing our situation. The Fall out is massive.

I'm now at the stage where I'm wondering who my ex is seeing, she was out last night and all i can think about is, was it with her friends or another man? If i seen her out with another man i know without a shadow of a doubt i do something to him i would regret. And that scares me. I know don't have any right to have these feelings after what i've done but i do and i can't help it. If it wasn't for my two kids i think i'd jump in front of a train. I've had enough. I've had an initial phone counselling appointment and told them how i've been feeling and they told me i now have to wait 13 weeks for the face to face appointments to start. 

There's a family holiday coming up in April which they're all going on (including my friends) except me obviously and i'm know i'm going to really struggle. Not seeing my kids coming down water slides or playing with them in the pool. It's going to kill me. The thought of it already is.

So anyway i do not want any sympathy for anything i've written and to be honest i don't need it. I simply wrote what i'm going through for any man or woman who thinks about doing what i did. DON'T. Read through the posts from people after my initial post and believe everything they are saying because i ignored them at the time and look where i am. I just wish i could turn back time.

It took me 6 weeks to ruin a 21 year relationship. DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE.


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## Tasorundo

BIL310, I think you are doing a bit of romanticizing the past right now, and it is understandable.

I feel that you are not evaluating your marriage as it really was, but as you wished it had been. There is a reason she dropped you 1/10th of a second after finding out. She wanted out. You wanted out.

It sucks right now, but each day will get better. No matter what either of you does with future relationships, that would have never happened between you two.

I encourage you to go back and read some of your posts (not really about should you continue with the girl), but I don't think you will find a guy that was very happy.


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## turnera

Just think of what you could have done with that money if you hadn't wasted it on a pity party. You could have gotten an apartment for you and your kids. Bought them a used tv or game console (or better yet - books that you and they will sit down and read together, which is what they really need, togetherness, not mind-numbing video games).


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## turnera

I don't think he's romanticizing the marriage so much as the family unit he threw away.


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## BIL310

turnera said:


> Just think of what you could have done with that money if you hadn't wasted it on a pity party. You could have gotten an apartment for you and your kids. Bought them a used tv or game console (or better yet - books that you and they will sit down and read together, which is what they really need, togetherness, not mind-numbing video games).


I'm actually staying with my parents until i've cleared some debt. I've given my Wife £15,000 for my half of our joint debts to enable her to obtain mortgage and keep our current house for her and the kids. I work from home, i needed to get out of the house to remain sane. I don't need a lecture on what i could have done with the money. And for the record all my children want to do is play video games. I love books - they don't no matter how much i've tried.


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## turnera

No offense, but who's the parent? My kid had a rule of one hour a day on electronics, period. She was free to do anything else BUT electronics the rest of the time, so she did - skateboarding, tennis, bike, hiking, drawing, cooking...you can find ways to fill their lives with more, if you make an effort.

And the only reason I brought up the money is you were complaining about having to move stuff back and forth.


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## Diana7

turnera said:


> Just think of what you could have done with that money if you hadn't wasted it on a pity party. You could have gotten an apartment for you and your kids. Bought them a used tv or game console (or better yet - books that you and they will sit down and read together, which is what they really need, togetherness, not mind-numbing video games).


Board games are always very popular with children. Yes, it would do them good to get some time away from those awful games.


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## Diana7

Tasorundo said:


> BIL310, I think you are doing a bit of romanticizing the past right now, and it is understandable.
> 
> I feel that you are not evaluating your marriage as it really was, but as you wished it had been. There is a reason she dropped you 1/10th of a second after finding out. She wanted out. You wanted out.
> 
> It sucks right now, but each day will get better. No matter what either of you does with future relationships, that would have never happened between you two.
> 
> I encourage you to go back and read some of your posts (not really about should you continue with the girl), but I don't think you will find a guy that was very happy.


I am never surprised when someone ends a marriage after their spouse has cheated, why shouldn't they?


----------



## BIL310

turnera said:


> No offense, but who's the parent? My kid had a rule of one hour a day on electronics, period. She was free to do anything else BUT electronics the rest of the time, so she did - skateboarding, tennis, bike, hiking, drawing, cooking...you can find ways to fill their lives with more, if you make an effort.
> 
> And the only reason I brought up the money is you were complaining about having to move stuff back and forth.


I've taken them to play centres and the park, they haven't just been playing on their consoles. When i finally do get my own place i will be buying them things instead of them having to bring them back and forward, at the moment however space is limited in my mums.

My Wife also took them to the circus last weekend. The children seem absolutely fine so far considering what's gone on.


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## In Absentia

I think the last thing the OP wants to hear right now is people telling him how to raise his kids... :laugh:


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## Tasorundo

Diana7 said:


> I am never surprised when someone ends a marriage after their spouse has cheated, why shouldn't they?


I am not surprised it happened, or happens often, however, it rarely seems to happen the moment the person finds out. Especially when it is a husband cheating, wives tend to consider R at least. Rare is the story of alley-op cheating pass to divorce.

She wanted out, instant no-fault reason, goodbye.


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## BigDigg

BIL310 said:


> It took me 6 weeks to ruin a 21 year relationship. DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE.


Op - I know others have (rightfully) pilloried you for the poor decisions you've made and perceived lack of accountability, so i'll save the righteousness today. I honestly see value here as examples for others and kudos for you for sticking by and braving the mob and continuing your story. I hope you continue to post and I'm pulling for you.

My advice is this - take whatever time you need to come to grips with what's happened and your actions. You're at rock bottom right now and that's strangely a good place to be. Remember that life's a winding journey and your story doesn't need to be finished (yet). Time to bulldoze the wreckage of your marriage and business and just write it all off. It can't and shouldn't be saved. Focus on your kids, stop drinking, rebuild your body at the gym and rebuild your soul away from the pub. Find a stable job that gives you a sense of accomplishment and value, no matter what wrung it starts on. And embrace and dismiss all shame and restart again humbly. You can and will rise again if you want to. You can control your outcome. It's all still in play if you choose it to be.

There's an old Blues Traveler song (Look Around) that I always found inspiring when you just need to beat yourself up a bit and remember the importance of being completely honest with yourself. You have to be able to clearly see yourself in the mirror in order to know what needs to be done. Our egos do us no favors in that regard.

Best of luck. Don't give up.


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## Rubix Cubed

In Absentia said:


> I think the last thing the OP wants to hear right now is people telling him how to raise his kids... :laugh:


 Why not, he never listened before, doubt he will now. 
An assault charge for beating his ex's new boyfriend and a heroin addiction would round out the poor decision-making streak. Seriously, Don't do that! OK?
*"Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets it. "*


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## Diana7

Tasorundo said:


> I am not surprised it happened, or happens often, however, it rarely seems to happen the moment the person finds out. Especially when it is a husband cheating, wives tend to consider R at least. Rare is the story of alley-op cheating pass to divorce.
> 
> She wanted out, instant no-fault reason, goodbye.


I have known people whose marriage ended on the day they found out, and good for them I say.


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## NobodySpecial

BIL310 said:


> I'm actually staying with my parents until i've cleared some debt. I've given my Wife £15,000 for my half of our joint debts to enable her to obtain mortgage and keep our current house for her and the kids. I work from home, i needed to get out of the house to remain sane. I don't need a lecture on what i could have done with the money. And for the record all my children want to do is play video games. I love books - they don't no matter how much i've tried.


I won't lie. I did not follow your whole story. But one thing strikes me. You have a PERFECT opportunity to break the digital habit in your presence. Sorry kids, I can't keep hauling this stuff every week. Then bring out the index cards you prepared with activities for them to pick.


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## NobodySpecial

One index card can have nerf fight! But I prefer just shooting.


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## turnera

I was talking to some people at work about books (I always read at lunch). One guy said he'd love to get his kid to stop using the tv/video games/movies/etc., but she throws a fit every time he says to turn it off. I asked him how old she was, thinking he was dealing with a pouty teenager or something. She was four. He was afraid to make his kid mad. I said the exact same thing to him: Who's the parent?

I get it, that electronics are an easy babysitter. But you'll end up with a young adult who can't think for himself, doesn't know how to interact in social situations, and will go from job to job as he never learned to work to earn stuff. 

I'm NOT saying this is the OP's situation. Just my general view of letting kids fill their days with electronics. I've seen it bear out way too many times among my daughter's 20-something friends.

ETA: Sorry for the T/J.


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## NobodySpecial

turnera said:


> I was talking to some people at work about books (I always read at lunch). One guy said he'd love to get his kid to stop using the tv/video games/movies/etc., but she throws a fit every time he says to turn it off. I asked him how old she was, thinking he was dealing with a pouty teenager or something. She was four. He was afraid to make his kid mad. I said the exact same thing to him: Who's the parent?
> 
> I get it, that electronics are an easy babysitter. But you'll end up with a young adult who can't think for himself, doesn't know how to interact in social situations, and will go from job to job as he never learned to work to earn stuff.
> 
> I'm NOT saying this is the OP's situation. Just my general view of letting kids fill their days with electronics. I've seen it bear out way too many times among my daughter's 20-something friends.


Ayuh.


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## Betrayedone

Saw this outcome coming since day one.........the fog has lifted.......


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## Adelais

The old saying, "You made your own bed, now sleep in it" comes to mind. I just shake my head that we all told you not to do it, and you had an answer for everyone and did it anyway.

You still have an answer for everything. Seriously, have you ever watched the movie, "The Princess Bride"? The boy was not excited to have his grandfather read him a story, but by the end he loved the story and his grandfather. That was a movie, but it depicts what happens in our home, as far as our children liking being read a good story.

We have read out loud to all our children, even when they were into their teens. It develops imagination, concentration and builds real memories of togetherness. You have to choose good books to read though. Older kids can listen to good chapter books that take several nights of reading to finish. Once they are engaged in the storyline they can't wait for you to pick up the book and keep reading. 
If you change your mind about reading to them out loud for a while every night, PM me and I'll tell you a few good titles, depending on your children's ages.


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## bobsmith

I just want to know how things are going with this new woman????

Being at a point of reflection in my life, I have always held a standard on women that if they are willing to engage a relationship with a known married man, their moral compass is broke and they will probably cheat, or otherwise not be a life long partner. I do know of one couple, and good friends in which the woman abruptly broke it off with a boyfriend and got together with my friend. I didn't know what to think but time has proven they are a VERY happy couple, with kids, and going great. I really like her. 

I know several other couples in which the woman is a trophy. I just talked with my best friend last night about all the people we know that have had crazy relations. Cheating all over the place and by VERY high up status people. Most of them are 8-9 figure net worth. Money seems to bring out the worst in people it seems.


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## BIL310

bobsmith said:


> I just want to know how things are going with this new woman????
> 
> Being at a point of reflection in my life, I have always held a standard on women that if they are willing to engage a relationship with a known married man, their moral compass is broke and they will probably cheat, or otherwise not be a life long partner. I do know of one couple, and good friends in which the woman abruptly broke it off with a boyfriend and got together with my friend. I didn't know what to think but time has proven they are a VERY happy couple, with kids, and going great. I really like her.
> 
> I know several other couples in which the woman is a trophy. I just talked with my best friend last night about all the people we know that have had crazy relations. Cheating all over the place and by VERY high up status people. Most of them are 8-9 figure net worth. Money seems to bring out the worst in people it seems.


I haven't seen the other woman since the night i was caught cheating with her. She didn't know i was still with my Wife.


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## TDSC60

This will not be popular on here. But after reading your entire thread, I have to say; Yes you made a stupid choice by engaging with another women.

But I also question your wife's attitude. 

Her refusal to talk about or work on the state of your marriage before you met the other woman.

Her disregard for you during your attempts to fix thing for years.

And her bringing her mother to the hotel room as a witness. Really? Who does that unless they know that a witness would be good for court? Or to spread the word of what louse you are.

All add up to one thing. She gave up on the marriage long ago and wanted out. Your actions gave her the opportunity she was looking for. Divorce you and appear to be the violated spouse of a cheater. This is exactly what she was looking for. She did not want to be the one to trigger the divorce and be seen as the bad guy.

Why? I am afraid you will find that she quickly moves on to another man. One you did not know about but has been in the shadows for a long time.


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