# anyone else found that sex has changed...



## grays

during the time they were married? 

Before ex, I had had sex with about thirty men. After I met him, it was him and only him for 25 years. Now I seem to have stepped right back into my pre-monogamy mode as if nothing happened in between.  I've been with 12 men since august. (This all strikes me as kind of bizarre behavior -- like a Jekyll and Hyde sort of thing -- but that is for another post I guess.)

Anyhow... I swear that how men have sex has changed immensely since I was last single. I'm sure the internet is the big game changer, but it hasn't changed things the way I would have thought. It's not that these guys are all showing off the moves they've learned watching porn, at all, which I'm thankful for. lol But they all seem to know a little something about tantra and are totally getting the whole g spot thing (I didn't know for sure I had one till after the break up! lol). And almost always before ex and the whole time with ex, sex was done after everyone had an orgasm. Now I have no idea when it should end. The end point seems to be whenever you hit the wall. 

The whole experience is completely different to me. And it seems to be nearly universal. It's not just the ones I've met online, and it doesn't seem to be an age thing (they've ranged in age from 26 to 63! lol), there has been a large range in education, too. I've been with a couple of guys who seem to be pretty marginal in terms of work/career and then a thoracic surgeon and one who sold his business for 330 million dollars and a construction worker and a guy who worked at NASA. But they seem to all have this sex thing in common.

What do you guys think? Is this a real thing? Have people really changed the way they have sex over the last 25 or 30 years?


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## unbelievable

It disappeared. Does that count?


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## daddymikey1975

For me, I've noticed that women seem to be the same (even the least exciting has been better and more active than my ex). 

Can't tell ya about men. Hahahaha


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## SecondTime'Round

Can't answer this question as I was pretty inexperienced when I got married, but I do have a question for you. Why didn't you hang on to that millionaire?!


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## Married but Happy

I don't think sex has changed. Education and openness about sexual matters is far better than 25 years ago, so perhaps your experiences are a result of men knowing a lot more about sex and pleasing women. On the other hand, many women are not encountering such men, so maybe you are lucky in who you attract?


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## grays

SecondTime'Round said:


> Can't answer this question as I was pretty inexperienced when I got married, but I do have a question for you. Why didn't you hang on to that millionaire?!


lol He's still in play! And I adore him! He lives far away and had a really terrible accident in December, two days before we were supposed to have a big date. I was so devastated! But he's on the mend and will be back in a few weeks. :smthumbup: Funny about the millionaire thing, though. I think that may make him a little reticent about throwing his money around. Like, he's happy to pay for everything we do, but he doesn't get extravagant. Last time he was here, there was a day that I knew he wasn't working and I was dying to know what he was doing. I was kinda wishing we had just started our date in the morning. But then when he picked me up I asked him about his day and he said he had driven up the coast about 100 miles to go shopping at his favorite store... asked him if he bought anything, he said "a gift for you"! Sweet, sweet, sweet! I think it probably set him back about 20 dollars. lol But it was the sweetest thing ever. I totally loved that he did it.  

So right now, I've got him, construction worker, and thoracic surgeon in play. lmao Fun, fun, fun. I had no idea what I was missing all those years that I was married! 



Married but Happy said:


> I don't think sex has changed. Education and openness about sexual matters is far better than 25 years ago, so perhaps your experiences are a result of men knowing a lot more about sex and pleasing women. On the other hand, many women are not encountering such men, so maybe you are lucky in who you attract?


I am feeling pretty damned lucky! Last night I had construction worker over, who I did not expect to wow me that way. We had actually had sex in his car a while back, lol. It was fun and I really liked him, but I thought, ahhhh, this one's just a normal guy who doesn't know all those crazy tricks, but I was dead wrong, he was just hemmed in by the car I guess. I was completely shocked because he seems just kind of, hmmmm, not like someone who's been around a ton, or had a lot of experience. I don't know if I was just dead wrong about that or if that's not necessary to have whatever this thing is he's got. lol I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, though.  He's a great kisser, too! I think I'm a little in love, lol, just a little, though!


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## sammy3

grays said:


> lol He's still in play! And I adore him! He lives far away and had a really terrible accident in December, two days before we were supposed to have a big date. I was so devastated! But he's on the mend and will be back in a few weeks. :smthumbup: Funny about the millionaire thing, though. I think that may make him a little reticent about throwing his money around. Like, he's happy to pay for everything we do, but he doesn't get extravagant. Last time he was here, there was a day that I knew he wasn't working and I was dying to know what he was doing. I was kinda wishing we had just started our date in the morning. But then when he picked me up I asked him about his day and he said he had driven up the coast about 100 miles to go shopping at his favorite store... asked him if he bought anything, he said "a gift for you"! Sweet, sweet, sweet! I think it probably set him back about 20 dollars. lol But it was the sweetest thing ever. I totally loved that he did it.
> 
> So right now, I've got him, construction worker, and thoracic surgeon in play. lmao Fun, fun, fun. I had no idea what I was missing all those years that I was married!
> 
> 
> 
> I am feeling pretty damned lucky! Last night I had construction worker over, who I did not expect to wow me that way. We had actually had sex in his car a while back, lol. It was fun and I really liked him, but I thought, ahhhh, this one's just a normal guy who doesn't know all those crazy tricks, but I was dead wrong, he was just hemmed in by the car I guess. I was completely shocked because he seems just kind of, hmmmm, not like someone who's been around a ton, or had a lot of experience. I don't know if I was just dead wrong about that or if that's not necessary to have whatever this thing is he's got. lol I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, though.  He's a great kisser, too! I think I'm a little in love, lol, just a little, though!



Gosh ,your life sounds like it's so much better than what you came out of. Please share your story and let us know how you manage to move on. 

I know someone who was married a long time that has started having sex with another man too, and cant believe what she'd been missing... lolol, another women neighbor walked down the street the other day smiling, I ask her why the smile? She says, she's out of her long term marriage, and life is good. She loves the men she meeting... 

Where do you meet them ? All online? 

~sammy


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## arbitrator

*IMHO, sex itself has changed extremely little; the people trying to satisfactorily perform it, however, have largely evolved into something else!*


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## SecondTime'Round

grays said:


> lol He's still in play! And I adore him! He lives far away and had a really terrible accident in December, two days before we were supposed to have a big date. I was so devastated! But he's on the mend and will be back in a few weeks. :smthumbup: Funny about the millionaire thing, though. I think that may make him a little reticent about throwing his money around. Like, he's happy to pay for everything we do, but he doesn't get extravagant. Last time he was here, there was a day that I knew he wasn't working and I was dying to know what he was doing. I was kinda wishing we had just started our date in the morning. But then when he picked me up I asked him about his day and he said he had driven up the coast about 100 miles to go shopping at his favorite store... asked him if he bought anything, he said "a gift for you"! Sweet, sweet, sweet! I think it probably set him back about 20 dollars. lol But it was the sweetest thing ever. I totally loved that he did it.
> 
> So right now, I've got him, construction worker, and thoracic surgeon in play. lmao Fun, fun, fun. I had no idea what I was missing all those years that I was married!
> 
> 
> 
> I am feeling pretty damned lucky! Last night I had construction worker over, who I did not expect to wow me that way. We had actually had sex in his car a while back, lol. It was fun and I really liked him, but I thought, ahhhh, this one's just a normal guy who doesn't know all those crazy tricks, but I was dead wrong, he was just hemmed in by the car I guess. I was completely shocked because he seems just kind of, hmmmm, not like someone who's been around a ton, or had a lot of experience. I don't know if I was just dead wrong about that or if that's not necessary to have whatever this thing is he's got. lol I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, though.  He's a great kisser, too! I think I'm a little in love, lol, just a little, though!


OK, first, the best partner I've ever had, who is my ex and also current partner, is a construction worker. Nobody has ever matched his skills in the bedroom .

Second, I think that is so incredibly sweet of the millionaire to drive 100 miles to buy you a $20 gift when he could clearly afford to try to woo you with something way more expensive. This tells me you must be a pretty special lady. 

I still have no thoughts about the questions in your OP though .


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## grays

Sammy, I can't believe I'm doing as well as I am. I was completely devoted to my ex and was SHOCKED when I realized he was going to leave me. It started last February, but we didn't really break up until June and for about a month or so after that we were still seeing a counselor and trying to fix things. 

But in March I could see the writing on the wall and I decided that I needed to make myself a life, so I started salsa dancing and it's been so great for me -- I love the dancing and it's such a great community. No matter how terrible things were at home, I always had a great time dancing. So almost right off the bat my single life was pretty satisfying.

Also, about a year before things went bad w ex, our sex life got good for the first time since the first year we were together and I completely fell in love w him all over again. Ugh. But during that last year I was having a healthy and happy sex life and I decided that I wasn't going to stop just bc he was out. So I met my first three partners at dancing (first one was a nice FWB's situation until he go jealous and the third one was my millionaire friend) but since then it's been mostly online dating. Just now I'm starting to feel like I'm hitting a groove, like I have three regulars that I feel good about plus one that's brand new who's a lot of fun too. lol. It's hard to imagine going back to monogamy now. I do think, tho, that eventually I'd like to have someone that's a primary person in my life, someone I can count on and have a nice routine with. For now, tho, just having fun. ?


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## Fenix

Good for you, grays!


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## chillymorn

I hope you using protection or at least letting all these men know your playing the field so to speak.

I would be out of there if I knew the woman i was dating was sleeping around and not insisting on protection.


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## grays

chillymorn said:


> I hope you using protection or at least letting all these men know your playing the field so to speak.
> 
> I would be out of there if I knew the woman i was dating was sleeping around and not insisting on protection.


This is rude. I'm not sure why you'd assume that I need the little informational speech. I don't. I'm taking care of myself and I am completely honest with everyone that I'm sleeping with.


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## Zouz

grays ,



we are here to give you a logical advise out of our experience ; the logic is have fun as much as you can (wish you the best , because most of us are not enjoying our sexlife thats why we are here !) 


It is not to critisize you nor make you feel guilty about it ; 

forget about moral issues/ religion ;/ social constraints ; As a honest advise I would just tell you be careful; because if you get STDs or worse HIV ; only you will pay the price .

The point is that ,the other men might not be honest as you are ...

30 in less that six month is not the issue ; the issue is that they are not trusted health status ; neither you are .


My advise is that , you should be protected ; and get the HPV vaccine too.


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## Zouz

Another thing gray ,

Why are you here on TAM ?


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## arbitrator

Zouz said:


> Another thing gray ,
> 
> Why are you here on TAM ?


*Excellent point, Zous! 

And it's not a "rude" question either!*


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## SamuraiJack

Sure sex has changed! 
The Internet and changing attitudes toward sex all make for it being easier to study up and try to be "all you can be". 

Shoot, you can get book right on Amazon about how to do pretty much anything. Amazon recently started selling sex toys! 

Be glad that you found men who were willing to study up a little instead of the alternative...and enjoy!


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## grays

I thought it was rude because it was so off topic and beside the point. Absolutely, everyone having sex with non-monogoumous-LTR partners should be thinking about and practicing safe sex. Unless a person is asking advice about that or I am about to get down with them, I'm not sure that I'd feel its my business to comment. I think my default would be to assume that if they are a grown up, they're acting like one -- and using protection that feels appropriate to them. 



Zouz said:


> Another thing gray ,
> 
> Why are you here on TAM ?


I thought I was just exactly the appropriate demographic for this forum.  I'm recently single (been 9 months since I kicked him out of the bedroom, and will be about three months till our divorce is final) after being with ex for 25 years. I thought I was in a happy marriage (we had lots of problems and unhappy times during the course of our marriage, but the last couple of years I thought were very happy) and then one day the rug was pulled out from under me. 

Why do you guys think it's odd for me to be here? Do I seem too happy? lol I suppose if that's the case I should be thankful that I come off that way. I do feel like there are some things in my life that I feel very lucky about. I am not sitting on the couch crying, almost ever. I have managed to put myself together a very nice support system. I have a couple of very dear friends who check up on me every day and let me know that I'm loved. 

OTOH, I still feel horror when I think of how my ex handled things, what he put me through. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think of the months that I felt like I would do anything to get him back but he was choosing the OW. For 25 years I thought he was the one person in this universe who had my back and I stupidly thought I could count on that. And no matter what an *ss he was to me (and he was not always a fun man to be married to, at all) I never, never wavered in my commitment to him. I feel so stupid about that and I cannot believe the betrayal. 

I keep myself as busy as possible and that helps keep my head straight, most of the time. But I can't tell you how many angry workouts I've had! I put my headphones and running shoes on and go out the door and think about the horrible things they did to me (of course, I know OW and she knows my kids, vomit!) and the horrible things I wish I could say and do to them. I am so filled with anger about it, it can't be good for me.

So... I come here because I think there're other people in the same boat. Isn't that why we all come here? I don't post very much, but I do come and read a fair amount. 

Maybe you are asking because of the particular topic of this thread? Why would I come here and ask about this??? Because I don't know anyone IRL who has gone 25 years without new partners. I was just curious whether anyone else had had this same experience. I gotta say, for me, it's has not been a subtle difference. I thought maybe I'd ask and ten people would respond saying, "oh yeah, I was shocked by that, too!" 

I am still curious about how these guys have learned what they have. lol I know that at least one of them has gone to tantra classes, but I would be shocked if more than a couple have. Or maybe everybody does that these days? I will have to ask my construction worker friend how he learned to have sex. I do feel some odd need to get to the bottom of this mystery.


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## SamuraiJack

12 men in nine months?
Sounds like you are well on your way to investigating the mystery.

Dont forget your raingear...


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## SecondTime'Round

Grays, ignore the question about why you are here. You're post divorce and have every right to be posting here. ????

I'm commenting on what seems to me to be a prejudice you have against construction workers. I'm not at ALL criticizing you for that, just kindof giggling. I'm a white collar college graduate woman, and I will tell you the best lover I've ever had is my ex husband (currently reconciling) blue collar construction worker with no college degree. (Absolutely worst was a highly educated accountant). 

I'm not judging you, just kinda amused by your surprise that a construction worker is so good in bed! . Tradesmen are noted to be quite good with their hands!!! (And everything else  )


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## grays

SecondTime'Round said:


> Grays, ignore the question about why you are here. You're post divorce and have every right to be posting here. ????
> 
> I'm commenting on what seems to me to be a prejudice you have against construction workers. I'm not at ALL criticizing you for that, just kindof giggling. I'm a white collar college graduate woman, and I will tell you the best lover I've ever had is my ex husband (currently reconciling) blue collar construction worker with no college degree. (Absolutely worst was a highly educated accountant).
> 
> I'm not judging you, just kinda amused by your surprise that a construction worker is so good in bed! . Tradesmen are noted to be quite good with their hands!!! (And everything else  )


Omg, lol, I wasn't surprised because he was a construction worker! I think I may have a prejudice *for* construction workers. I noticed right away that he had those big rough construction worker hands. Swoon! I was surprised because what I knew of him before then (which actually included some sex). I expected more sweet, less intensity. It may be that he's just a jack of all trades. :smthumbup:


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## WorkingOnMe

Hey, wait a minute. I'm a highly educated accountant!


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## grays

WorkingOnMe said:


> Hey, wait a minute. I'm a highly educated accountant!


What're you doin' tomorrow night?


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## WorkingOnMe

Lol


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## Zouz

grays said:


> What're you doin' tomorrow night?


is an IT Engineer in a sexless marriage on your list ?

lol 

grays ,

I was just surprised to see a happy person on TAM , most of us comes here when miserable ; I disappeared when I was happy 


Venus, shine 


take care


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## Zouz

WorkingOnMe said:


> Hey, wait a minute. I'm a highly educated accountant!


this reminds of a joke :

2 doctors met for an ONS , 
the female was washing her hands carefully before and after the encounter ;

the male told her :
I know now , you must be a surgeon , you wash hands a lot ; she replied 

" yes , and I know you must be an Anesthesiologist : I didn't feel anything ....


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## SecondTime'Round

grays said:


> What're you doin' tomorrow night?


LOL!!! That was funny .


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## sammy3

I know once I'm told I am going to be like, "OMG!!! I'm so slooooow,!"
but I'm confused on what "non-monogamous LTR" means...the LTR ??

~sammy

PS. Grays, I'm so glad your life is going so well post... you should be on "Girlfriends guide to Divorce." 

~sammy


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## Jellybeans

grays said:


> And almost always before ex and the whole time with ex, *sex was done after everyone had an orgasm. *


I don't understand this. :scratchhead: IMO, sex is what you do TO reach orgasm... 

Re: sex changing, I don't think it has? Seems to be like riding a bicycle. Some people are into different things. Of course, I haven't had sex with too many people post-divorce so you may have more to compare it to. 

I did though encounter my first ED guy (so sad) who had problems getting it up and another with an aversion to going down on me, the first really in my life. That made e want to cry being that's it's one of my fave things in the bedroom.


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## Jellybeans

arbitrator said:


> *IMHO, sex itself has changed extremely little; the people trying to satisfactorily perform it, however, have largely evolved into something else!*


:rofl:



SecondTime'Round said:


> Grays, ignore the question about why you are here. You're post divorce and have every right to be posting here.


:iagree:

Grays, I wonder if your husband was sexually repressed - and that is why you feel sex is different now? 

Make sure you use protection.

Ah, sex.


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## grays

sammy3 said:


> I know once I'm told I am going to be like, "OMG!!! I'm so slooooow,!"
> but I'm confused on what "non-monogamous LTR" means...the LTR ??
> ~sammy


long term relationship... what i meant was non-monogamous/non-LTR, but what I said made no sense, sorry! lol



Jellybeans said:


> I don't understand this. :scratchhead: IMO, sex is what you do TO reach orgasm...


See, I gotta set you up with some of these guys.  The first time I was w my millionaire friend I had dozens of orgasms. lol And I don't think I'm one of those lucky few who can do that. It was my 45th birthday and I had never experienced anything like that ever. I had never had an orgasm during intercourse at all, ever. But it seemed like all he had to do was to look at me the right way and boom! So this went on for four hours straight and it was just really unclear to me how to know we were done. And when we were done (i.e., HE was DONE) I was kinda disappointed. lol I was working with a pretty big deficit, I think. 



Jellybeans said:


> Grays, I wonder if your husband was sexually repressed - and that is why you feel sex is different now?


My husband was extraordinarily repressed, for sure. But I had been around a bit before him (thank god!) and saw nothing like this.


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## lonelyhusband321

Sex hasn't changed since Adam and Eve. They just didnt have webcams...

I'm pretty sure neither of them watched internet porn, either


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## grays

I don't think that's exactly true. Styles come and go. I came of age in the 80's. Slept w about 30 men between 85 and 89. Not a single one of them brought up anal sex or went anywhere near. That has changed a lot!


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## lonelyhusband321

grays said:


> I don't think that's exactly true. Styles come and go. I came of age in the 80's. Slept w about 30 men between 85 and 89. Not a single one of them brought up anal sex or went anywhere near. That has changed a lot!


You're right about styles coming and going, but in the grand scheme, things haven't changed one iota.

Rest assured that what you mentioned (I can't bring myself to type it) was there then no less than it is now. The difference is that we all have access (to a certain degree) to everyone's personal life now. All those people still thought about it "back then", but we just didn't know they did.

Does that make sense? It was there, and each of us knew it. We just didn't recognize that everyone else knew it, too.


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## grays

Well... if anything, I had a more appealing butt back then. lol The percentage of guys interested in the late 80's, zero, now, I'd say upwards of 70. I know it's not a huge sample size, but I think something has changed there. I assume that's about how scared we all were about HIV. But this other stuff really is different, too.


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## Fenix

Jellybeans said:


> I don't understand this. :scratchhead: IMO, sex is what you do TO reach orgasm...


 Nope, much more than that. Orgasm is just one part of it.  I understand what grays is saying. My current guy doesn't do the orgasm and roll over thing. It goes on as long as we have time for. 



grays said:


> Well... if anything, I had a more appealing butt back then. lol The percentage of guys interested in the late 80's, zero, now, I'd say upwards of 70.


This is funny. I am more of a one at a time gal but I get what you are saying. It has been an eye-opening experience. For my friend too.

And, just a quick note, you do belong here! TAM needs to see the happy ones just as much as the people struggling.


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## lonelyhusband321

fenix said:


> nope, much more than that. Orgasm is just one part of it.  i understand what grays is saying. My current guy doesn't do the orgasm and roll over thing. It goes on as long as we have time for.
> 
> 
> 
> this is funny. I am more of a one at a time gal but i get what you are saying. It has been an eye-opening experience. For my friend too.
> 
> And, just a quick note, you do belong here! *tam needs to see the happy ones just as much as the people struggling*.


absolutely!!


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## lonelyhusband321

grays said:


> Well... if anything, I had a more appealing butt back then. lol The *percentage of guys interested in the late 80's, zero, now, I'd say upwards of 70*. I know it's not a huge sample size, but I think something has changed there. I assume that's about how scared we all were about HIV. But this other stuff really is different, too.


You didn't happen to meet them, maybe, but rest assured, they WERE there in the 80s. 

Trust me...


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## EnigmaGirl

I found that sex changed a lot after I got divorced.

I started having orgasms when I wasn't the only person in the bedroom.


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## SamuraiJack

grays said:


> I don't think that's exactly true. Styles come and go. I came of age in the 80's. Slept w about 30 men between 85 and 89. Not a single one of them brought up anal sex or went anywhere near. That has changed a lot!


Yeah and the casual attitudes about livestock and farm animals kinda threw me off for a bit...


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## momto2

I feel sorry for women who say they have never had an orgasm. What's the point? I think it totally depends on who you are with (and size doesn't always matter). I have always wondered why you can have tons of chemistry with one person and not another. I dated one guy who I really liked. We had a lot in common. He was attractive. But there was no chemistry. For me at least. He said he really liked me but I had to break it off. No point in continuing something you know isn't going to go anywhere (esp. if one person has feelings).


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