# Post Divorce Social life and friendships



## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

A female friend of mine actually lost almost half her circle of married friends after her divorce.
There was an earlier post about stigma attached to divorcees that I belive may have an element of truth to it.
In my friends case she simply stopped getting invited to many of her married friends functions and "family" events. Turns out a few of them were "wary" of their new divorced friend and what impact her new found freedom might have. One outright gossip was the threat some felt to their marriages...my response was simple...if a woman wants to bang your husband and if he's up for making it happen it WILL happen and you won't know about it. 
There mere fact that they brought up the subject has now planted the seeds of iniquity in the minds of their husbands etc.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I just posted to your comment in that other thread.

Sounds like your female friend has sh!tty friends if they ditched her because she got divorced.

I can honestly say I am truly blessed in that respect--my friends were so there for me during my big D and it made me appreciate and love them even more. 

True friends don't ditch you cause you get a divorce/have a break up/are down and out/are going through a tough time/illness, etc.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh but I will say that yes, some marrieds, especially women, do not like to be around single women. It may be a territorial thing but I find this to be more true with women who are NOT close friends vs. the ones who are close friends already. Make sense?


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh but I will say that yes, some marrieds, especially women, do not like to be around single women. It may be a territorial thing but I find this to be more true with women who are NOT close friends vs. the ones who are close friends already. Make sense?


Yes it makes alot of sense. Tru friends you can count on one hand but when it comes to divorce your friends circle increases temporarily. This is usually because you being divorced almost makes you the defacto shrink for the friends that are having marital issues but not talking to anyone. Suddenly they open up to you. In my case many people I had no idea were having marriage issues suddenly started talking to me since I'm the friend that just wenth through with a decision they were too chicken to make.
However that circle shrunk overtime......those who either went back to their spouses or "figured things out", ot those who "Decided to stay for the kids" or other reasons.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I have a very small circle of friends. My ex isolated me from most of them and then I sort of just because friends of the wives of his friends. But we never socialized outside of couples. So aside from 1 good friend who saw what the ex was all about, most of my friends are 'new'. Two best friends and a couple that are good friends.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I have a very small circle of friends. My ex isolated me from most of them and then I sort of just because friends of the wives of his friends. But we never socialized outside of couples. So aside from 1 good friend who saw what the ex was all about, most of my friends are 'new'. Two best friends and a couple that are good friends.


I find that as a divorcee most of my friends are new ones post divorce. Alot of the hitherto good friends have become more of friends / acquaintances.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

A time as this is really when you find out who your friends are. Sad as it is to say at times.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I've been embraced by my friends but that's because we always saw his friends and they became 'our friends'

I haven't seen any of 'his' friends since we split and I care not because mine are better anyway


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Coming out of a 19 yr marriage, most of 'our' friends were the kind that 'married couples' have, themselves being married and such. 

I found after the separation that while people were still friendly, there was a huge distance the separation created. Since I quit drinking and had to quit golf due to financial concerns and wanting to spend my time with my kids and such, it seems most my friends were not really 'friends' in the true sense of the word. Mostly we had acquaintences. A good portion of these people were known to my EX from before our marriage, school age friendships. 

Now I have one true friend out there, one that should be but is a social retard and too selfish to care about my pain it seems and several people who quite frankly are jsut stuck in a quagmire in their lives and have absolutley nothing to offer towards a friendship. 

But, I have made new friends and will continue to be friendly, however the Post Divorce Social Life for me is utterly different now. And...I like it that way.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I let him keep the friends.They were all pretentious uptight little twits anyway.
JB is absolutely right about married women not wanting single women around.I think they're smart for that.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I let him keep the friends.They were all pretentious uptight little twits anyway.
> JB is absolutely right about married women not wanting single women around.I think they're smart for that.


My best friend is married and her husband does yard work for me (I pay him) and I'm VERY careful about keeping boundaries. He will call on occasion or text about something and I make SURE to mention it to her, what was discussed, etc. Sometimes he complains about her and I stop it immediately and tell him to talk to her about it.

But I know all divorced and/or single women aren't like me so I can see why some married women don't like single friends.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> My best friend is married and her husband does yard work for me (I pay him) and I'm VERY careful about keeping boundaries. He will call on occasion or text about something and I make SURE to mention it to her, what was discussed, etc. Sometimes he complains about her and I stop it immediately and tell him to talk to her about it.
> 
> But I know all divorced and/or single women aren't like me so I can see why some married women don't like single friends.


As single women,we know our intentions are pure when it comes to our friends husbands.But they don't know that with 100% certainty and that's where the discomfort comes in. 

It's great that you shut him down when he complains about her. i wonder why he doesn't understand that's a line he shouldn't cross.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think it's because I have become a friend of both of them because they recently moved here (although I've been a friend of hers for 8 years or so) and he hasn't had time to make a lot of friends of his own and feels very comfortable talking to me. But I don't want him to get TOO comfortable talking to me - I just want the random chatty shoot-the-sh*t friendship with him and I ask him advice on dating and get a guys' perspective from him sometimes but the primary friendship is with his wife.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I have reconnected with so many of my friends since leaving stbx. He never liked my friends, and they didn't care for him too much so we just never saw them when married. These are people that I have been friends with for 15+ years for the most part.

The mutual couple friends we have, well I haven't seen them very often. One couple I know the husband still talks to my stbx so I just stay away by choice. The other couple friends never really made an attempt to get together prior to the seperation so it's really no loss.

Like someone said, you find out who your real friends are through this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> My best friend is married and her husband does yard work for me (I pay him) and I'm VERY careful about keeping boundaries. He will call on occasion or text about something and I make SURE to mention it to her, what was discussed, etc.
> 
> But I know all divorced and/or single women aren't like me so I can see why some married women don't like single friends.


Well what I meant was that women who aren't your good friend BEFORE a divorce are prob not going to be that hip to you after you're single, you know? So it's not the same as say, your best friend whom you've known throughout the process.

And you're good for keeping boundaries like that. 

My best friend's guy was our driver one night (we all were goign to th same event) and when they dropped me off, I texted them BOTH on the same message thanking them for a ride/great time. I, like you, always tell about any conversation I've had with the boyfriend. It's just kosher that way.

And anyway, as time has gone on I have realized I really don't have many guy friends as it is anyway, single or otherwise. Seems throughout the yeras my best friends have been women.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

All my friends are either single or divorced. Works well that way. 

Find new friends.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Many of the couples we hung out with are still hanging with me. They did take a while to get the idea that they could still invite me to hang with the. The wives have been great. One of my friends told me that my divorce really freaked them out, they had some good conversation about their own marriages and that is a good thing. I do hang with divorced and widowed friends most of the time.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

I think for me it will be very small circle. 90% of our friends were couples and as my husband was 15 years older - so were most of the friends. Being single, younger and quite attractive will probably ban me from those circles. I wonder how it will feel to stop seeing people you are used to having around


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

pandorabox said:


> I think for me it will be very small circle. 90% of our friends were couples and as my husband was 15 years older - so were most of the friends. Being single, younger and quite attractive will probably ban me from those circles. I wonder how it will feel to stop seeing people you are used to having around


Yes being young is definitely a threat in those circles! I've seen that happen many times. An old co worker moved into a condominium unit after her divorce and though some of the people there were friends (at least she thought when she was marries) they quickly fizzled out.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

It's going to be sad as I know many of those people for years and years, we brought up kids together, a lot of camping trips etc behind us, a lot of crazy parties


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