# Husband ignores sexual needs..



## Cinderella71 (Jul 16, 2013)

I am 40 and my husband is 46. When I think of how most men are sexual creatures and wish their wives would fulfill their sexual desires, I feel my husband is lucky he has someone like me that has a sexually open mind and willing to please him in any way possible.

My story is that my husband has not met any of my sexual needs. He seems to be secure enough for when I try to guide him and discuss my sexual desires (either in or out of bed) he always uses the excuse that his big d**k is all that matters. Yes, he is large in that department but I've tried to tell him that d**k size isn't all that matters to me. It's almost like a joke to him and I guess I don't have the right answers for that one.

I've expressed to him without trying to hurt is ego that I would like to try a different position. That I would like him to touch me. That I would like him to kiss me. That I would like him to touch my body in places that satisfy me. He always says he will but never does. 

I've offered bj's, handcuffs, sex toys, mutual masturbation or anything his heart desires since I like to please..

I'm afraid that our marriage will go sour because he and I do not have the same needs. He seems to be happy with vanilla sex. He is on top and going in and out. That's it. 

I've offered to give him a BJ. He is not interested. He will go down on me though. That is four play to him. 

I don't know what else to do. I've expressed my interest so many times to him but I am really starting to feel that he is being selfish by ignoring my sexual needs. Sometimes in my head, I feel guilty for thinking about sex all the time.. Like I'm some sort of pervert.. This is a need that keeps me up at night. Again, I don't want to hurt his ego. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. The sex is not good though. It hurts that he doesn't try to comply.

Maybe you should also know that he does have a erectile dysfunction problem and takes pills an hour before we schedule sex (yes, schedule sex) and I know that kills the mood when he worries if he will be able to perform. So, I've been very easy on him.

I've expressed how much I love him and desire him. When I look at him, all I want to do is have sex with him. I guess it's because I'm missing that feeling of closeness.

I'm not so great at expressing myself but always look for ways to not hurt the other person because I always think of them first. 

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I'm married two years. Before we were married, we started out sex pretty slow but we did a little more in bed (a little) but it is now........ Just in and out...... 

Thanks for listening..


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I have never in my life heard of a man who does not like oral sex performed on them. That's not to say there's something "wrong" with him - we all have our preferences, and our likes and dislikes, and that's okay.

However, that, coupled with the vanilla, one-position, sex, is troubling.

If I were you, I'd talk to him about this. This is absolutely, positively the first thing you should be doing, and you absolutely, positively shouldn't be worried about insulting him, or hurting his feelings. You don't have to tell him he sucks in bed, of course, but you need to get a straight answer from him as to why he does it the way he does.

Perhaps he just doesn't give a damn. Honestly, given the fact that you haven't sat down and really hashed this out with him, that you are afraid of hurting his feelings, and (to a lesser degree), that he is confident that his penis size is enough, paints a picture of a domineering man and perhaps a subservient wife. I realize how insulting that is, but that's the picture you painted, and it may not be the case at all. But where I'm from, one shouldn't be worried about insulting their partners, as long as it doesn't come out in a condescending way. In this case, hurting his ego a bit can only help the situation - if you two are both truly in love and can accept criticism.

On that note, there are plenty of people out there (mostly men, but occasionally women), who have this type of personality. I was married to one, and we are no longer married. My ex didn't give a damn in the bedroom, and made zero effort. She felt that everything else she did was enough, so the bare minimum in the bedroom was fine, because this was not something that was important to her. But what she didn't understand was that sex was/is an emotional need, not just a physical one, and that it's part of a healthy relationship.

I would be surprised if your husband provided to your emotional needs outside of the bedroom, as well. Otherwise, it's just an extension of all of that. It's one thing to say that your SO doesn't hold your hand, or doesn't kiss you in public - those things are commonplace and one can usual "live" with it. But when it extends to the bedroom, in private, that's a whole other story.

The last thing that occurred to me, is that perhaps he has had a bad experience with oral sex, or just sex in general, and it's manifested itself in his adult life. Just a thought - but perhaps he was abused/molested? Maybe it's now become something that gives him flashbacks to a certain time in his life, or a bad experience. It may be that he now needs to be in control in the bedroom, and something like receiving oral sex is on you, not him, and he has no control. Maybe he never was abused, and he's just a complete control freak and can't let others do things TO him (even that).

So, think about how he is in life, outside of the bedroom, and if you find that he never lets anybody else be in control, then that's a good starting point.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Any sexual issues from his past? Possible abuse? It really sounds like he either has some kind of sexual hang up he isn't telling you about, OR he simply doesn't care about your needs. After all, you have tried to tell him many times. 

Perhaps its time you stopped doing for him. Its kinda like you really go out of your way to want to please him, and he just doesn't seem to care. Back off on doing so much sexually for him. How are things with him outside of the bedroom?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

AgentD said:


> Any sexual issues from his past? Possible abuse? It really sounds like he either has some kind of sexual hang up he isn't telling you about, OR he simply doesn't care about your needs. After all, you have tried to tell him many times.
> 
> Perhaps its time you stopped doing for him. Its kinda like you really go out of your way to want to please him, and he just doesn't seem to care. Back off on doing so much sexually for him. How are things with him outside of the bedroom?


Tell him you are not happy with the quality of the sex you have and your needs are not being met. Tell him he needs to show he is listening by making changes. You need to put your foot down. If he is not meeting your needs then stop meeting his all the time. If I tell my kids to clean their room and they don't and I give them what they want anyway, will they ever learn to keep their room clean? Answer is no. Stop acting like you are supposed to take care of him and he is not supposed to do the same. If you are not vocal and not willing to tell him and SHOW him your dissatisfaction, your resentment will build and this will only get worse for you and your marriage.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Cinderella71 said:


> he always uses the excuse that his big d**k is all that matters. Yes, he is large in that department but I've tried to tell him that d**k size isn't all that matters to me.


Sounds like he has a big ego to match his big d*ck! This may be likely why he feels he doesn't have to do anything else to please you. He may need to be taken down a notch. Stop meeting his needs so much.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sorry, you married an LD man who likely also has intimacy avoidant issues.

These things don't change very easily.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tell himI don't care about your big **** variety is the spice of like . I like steak but a steady diet of just steak would get old. and then I'd be craving chicken,fish,etc.

he has fallen into the because I have a big **** I am a great lover mind set . but making love and being a good lover is alot more than body parts. 

its about being kind and considerate inside and outside the bedroom.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> tell himI don't care about your big **** variety is the spice of like . I like steak but a steady diet of just steak would get old. and then I'd be craving chicken,fish,etc.
> 
> he has fallen into the because I have a big **** I am a great lover mind set . but making love and being a good lover is alot more than body parts.
> 
> its about being kind and considerate inside and outside the bedroom.


There are many women on here that I am sure will attest that there man is an amazing lover and satisfies there needs at every turn. You need to show him you are not satisfied not just tell him. Act bored during the sex and stop him mid way through it and let him know it is boring. Unlike most situations, your man needs an ego downgrade. Hit him where it hurts. Its called a wake up call.
Good Luck..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

nogutsnoglory said:


> There are many women on here that I am sure will attest that there man is an amazing lover and satisfies there needs at every turn. You need to show him you are not satisfied not just tell him. Act bored during the sex and stop him mid way through it and let him know it is boring. Unlike most situations, your man needs an ego downgrade. Hit him where it hurts. Its called a wake up call.
> Good Luck..


Not sure about this advice when he's already got ED issues... But I do agree be needs some kind of wake-up. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

PBear said:


> Not sure about this advice when he's already got ED issues... But I do agree be needs some kind of wake-up.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Downgrade won't help anything at all, if anything need to expand the boundaries and get the ego a bit bigger about the entire thing.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Tell him you will gladly accept smaller if it comes with a side order of attention to needs. Tell him you will not live this way forever. Hes not even trying.


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