# What caught you by surprise when you got cheated on?



## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

In my case it was a plethora of things that, taken apart, revealed nothing but when contextualized, gave me an AHA! / WTF! moment. Another thing was finding out who she was cheating with... the dude is a foot shorter than me, 50 pounds overweight and a receding hairline (I REALLY took offense to this). And lastly, it was finding TAM and putting together a game plan that allowed me to find out important information like my ex having a credit card I knew nothing about, that she was seeing the other animal during a ½ hour window after school and sometimes during the weekend for an hour at a time (this animal was driving about 65 miles each way to get some action from a married overweight mother of one with more than a few wrinkles on her-meaning these people are DESPERATE) and that they were communicating via google docs. 

Worst of all was when I found out all the things I desperately wanted to not be true becoming true right in front of my face and seeing my wife so emotionally attached to this guy she actually chose him over me.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Makes no nevermind anymore...


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

JBLH said:


> In my case it was a plethora of things that, taken apart, revealed nothing but when contextualized, gave me an AHA! / WTF! moment. Another thing was finding out who she was cheating with... the dude is a foot shorter than me, 50 pounds overweight and a receding hairline (I REALLY took offense to this). And lastly, it was finding TAM and putting together a game plan that allowed me to find out important information like my ex having a credit card I knew nothing about, that she was seeing the other animal during a ½ hour window after school and sometimes during the weekend for an hour at a time (this animal was driving about 65 miles each way to get some action from a married overweight mother of one with more than a few wrinkles on her-meaning these people are DESPERATE) and that they were communicating via google docs.
> 
> Worst of all was when I found out all the things I desperately wanted to not be true becoming true right in front of my face and seeing my wife so emotionally attached to this guy she actually chose him over me.


If you want to heal rip the bandaid off and press ahead. File for divorce and have her served at work.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i think what you are feeling is normal in the sense that your rational mind is trying to make sense of emotional logic that is coming from someone you spent your life with and thought you knew......logic dictates that as rational creatures we would not do things that is against our better nature of our eniviroment, but we see this every day that this is not so. The deception of your wife behavior is something you could spend the rest of your life trying to understand and still not find an answer that makes sense....What is undisputable are the facts that she deceptive you for a while now and that your response should be one of dealing with the cruelist enamy. Expose Expose Expose.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Affairs rarely make sense. People that commit them are usually attracted to the opposite of what they had at home. They also rarely last. But you have every right to be pissed and venting. Been there, done that.

What surprised me is how someone can cheat on not just a spouse, but two young kids. They are affected the most.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

What caught me by surprise was the willingness to deceive me without any remorse. It's hard to believe how cruel people can be.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

What surprised me is that she would even think of cheating, let alone actually following through with it. She said we can fix this. I told her there's no fixing you getting fu'd!!!!


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Brand spanking new intimate moves she somehow acquired and told me was her favorite after I returned from working away. Now that was surprising and it kind of clued me in to the fact that she learnt them in my absence.

ETA: Just to clarify, that was my ex-wife, more than 2 decades ago.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

First the fact that she would do it, and secondly who it was when I busted them. Total opposite of me and he was a cheesy sort of POSOM. Looked like a GQ wanna be with a gold chain…”Mr. T. Starter Kit” I called it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Affairs seem to be more about the cheater than the relationship they’re in. Although cheaters will blame the relationship for their cheating, it’s a choice they made when they could have made other choices. Asking for a divorce would be better than cheating, for example. But I’d say cheaters want to have their marriage with the lifestyle, shared bank accounts and kids etc but also want to dabble in single life, again.

If you read many threads on here, that seems to be the theme. Rarely do cheaters when caught want to divorce - they typically beg to stay in the marriage etc and this crazy hysterical bonding thing starts. If cheating was about the relationship - wouldn’t they not beg to stay?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Biggest surprise for me was she told our daughter recently (divorced 10 years, married to POSOM for about 6 years so far) that cheating and ruining our family was the biggest regret of her life. My kid hates Sancho and wants them to divorce, so it wouldn't surprise me if she tells him at some point. LOL


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> First the fact that she would do it, and secondly who it was when I busted them. Total opposite of me and he was a cheesy sort of POSOM. Looked like a GQ wanna be with a gold chain…”*Mr. T. Starter Kit” I called it.*


😂 😂 😂 😂 😂


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What caught me by surprise when I got cheated on?

The physical pain in my chest. It felt like someone had dropped an anvil on my chest.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

How ****ing blind I had been.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

The cognitive dissonance, caused by blatant lying happening in real-time, especially the first lie uncovered. I remember finding the burner phone to go along with the packaging/label left on the floor if the car, holding it in my hand, and asking my wife just out of eyesight, “Hon, did you buy a new phone?” “No.”

Still hard to believe when lies get retold, or remembered. Scares me to think what I’ve swept under the carpet. Had I found this place earlier, I might have walked a different path.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Not getting the truth. When I completed my investigation and confronted, I never got the complete truth. After three years, I divorced the liar.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Sfort said:


> What caught me by surprise was the willingness to deceive me without any remorse. It's hard to believe how cruel people can be.


Once I educated myself about the Cluster B personality disorders, things made sense. Not just the cheating but the lack of empathy and the sense of entitlement in just about every aspect of her life.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> What caught me by surprise when I got cheated on?
> 
> The physical pain in my chest. It felt like someone had dropped an anvil on my chest.


Ugh. Did you stay? Sorry brother.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JBLH said:


> In my case it was a plethora of things that, taken apart, revealed nothing but when contextualized, gave me an AHA! / WTF! moment. Another thing was finding out who she was cheating with... the dude is a foot shorter than me, 50 pounds overweight and a receding hairline (I REALLY took offense to this). And lastly, it was finding TAM and putting together a game plan that allowed me to find out important information like my ex having a credit card I knew nothing about, that she was seeing the other animal during a ½ hour window after school and sometimes during the weekend for an hour at a time (this animal was driving about 65 miles each way to get some action from a married overweight mother of one with more than a few wrinkles on her-meaning these people are DESPERATE) and that they were communicating via google docs.
> 
> Worst of all was when I found out all the things I desperately wanted to not be true becoming true right in front of my face and seeing my wife so emotionally attached to this guy she actually chose him over me.


It doesn’t matter. She picked him over you. Those are the facts.
Cheaters always find a way. I cringe every time I hear they don’t have the time or that’s not in their nature. 
And then it was the fog. Fog is an excuse for the betrayed. The fog made them do it they just didn’t know what they were doing. The fog did all that planning and deceit that goes into an affair.
😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣
I guess it helps in not making a decision for some.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JBLH said:


> In my case it was a plethora of things that, taken apart, revealed nothing but when contextualized, gave me an AHA! / WTF! moment. Another thing was finding out who she was cheating with... the dude is a foot shorter than me, 50 pounds overweight and a receding hairline (I REALLY took offense to this). And lastly, it was finding TAM and putting together a game plan that allowed me to find out important information like my ex having a credit card I knew nothing about, that she was seeing the other animal during a ½ hour window after school and sometimes during the weekend for an hour at a time (this animal was driving about 65 miles each way to get some action from a married overweight mother of one with more than a few wrinkles on her-meaning these people are DESPERATE) and that they were communicating via google docs.
> 
> Worst of all was when I found out all the things I desperately wanted to not be true becoming true right in front of my face and seeing my wife so emotionally attached to this guy she actually chose him over me.


So what are you doing with the truth?


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## CTPROF (6 mo ago)

For two years, my gut told me she was cheating whenever she left the country to visit her family. I just had a feeling with nothing to base it on. I contacted one of her friends via Skype. She did not tell me about what was going on because my wife told everyone that we were divorced. When I convinced her friend that we were still married, she told me EVERYTHING. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. The POSOM is an alcoholic and a serial cheater who had always wanted to marry my wife. His wife worked in another country so I did some research. I found out her name, got her contact information, and when I contacted her, told her EVERYTHING.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> Ugh. Did you stay? Sorry brother.


Of course I stayed! 😁

33 years later we are still together.

A complicated situation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Where to even begin. He was always very contemptuous of anyone who cheated and also very conscious of his reputation as Mr. Perfect so, no, I didn’t believe he would cheat. Surprise, surprise, surprise. I didn’t think I would ever recover but I did and have a much happier life now. No one really wants to have to deal with divorce but sometimes it’s the best thing for you.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

The lies, especially that I hadn't wised up to it.

I knew something was off but couldn't imagine an affair. I actually asked my ex if he was gay with his best friend at one point bc I got a lot of BS excuses for why we were sexless, only to discover his affair a short time after.

I'd have let him go if he wanted out; I can't believe I put up with all the crap I did just to remain married to someone who didn't value commitment.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Megaforce said:


> Once I educated myself about the Cluster B personality disorders, things made sense. Not just the cheating but the lack of empathy and the sense of entitlement in just about every aspect of her life.


What are those disorders, and where is a good place to read about them?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

A few things.

The lengths people will go to so they can cheat. My cheating ex used to keep 2 relationships going at once. She was with me on Facebook and saw me on a specific schedule, and she had another BF on Snapchat that she would see when I wasn't around. I remember thinking she possibly had some health problems that made her fatigued all the time but it was really because she would only allow herself 4 hours sleep each day so she had time to keep 2 relationships going. She also had at least one other guy she would see infrequently when she needed money or some work done. 

They have a saying when it comes to pests like mice and roaches, when you see one, you have 100 in the walls. Cheating is like that too. If you catch your partner chatting inappropriately or something, that is the one rat you see outside, there will be another 100 instances that you don't see. If you catch something, always dig deeper. 

The last thing that comes to mind isn't quite something that surprises me but it's something I've noticed. I remember back in the day thinking that people always got away with poor behavior. That's because in the short term, they usually do. If someone cheats on you and the relationship ends, they will land softly right into another relationship while you sit around all lonely and depressed. On the long term though, those people won't stop being who they are. If they ruined a relationship with you, they will ruin the next one too. These people eventually end up alone because they destroyed every relationship they were ever in.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> So what are you doing with the truth?


We had the best night of our lives. The very next day I did a 180° turn and removed myself from any contact with her and two days after that I served her the divorce papers.

Although if felt good at first to dunk on het face, I haven’t been able to shake off the disappointment. Meaning it wasn’t the “victory” I thought it was going to be.

I guess it’ll take time.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

colingrant said:


> 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂


POSOM was a piece of work. I quit being obsessed with getting even About four years ago On advice of my IC. POSOM has done himself in all by himself. Real piece of work. Learned he filed for bankruptcy three years ago,too. Melted my heart. Karma is real.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

a


Sfort said:


> What are those disorders, and where is a good place to read about them?








Different Types — Out of the FOG


of Personality Disorders




outofthefog.website


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## Butforthegrace (Oct 6, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> What caught me by surprise when I got cheated on?
> 
> The physical pain in my chest. It felt like someone had dropped an anvil on my chest.


Same with me. Actual physical pain. "Hmm, now I know what they mean by heartache"


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

That she was capable of doing it. I didn't think she could ever do that because of past trauma and how many issues we had in the sex department.

That I accused her of cheating 8 years prior, was made out to be the bad guy, and was right all along.

That our entire marriage was a lie.

That I had been with her since we were 17 and we were best friends before that, and yet I had no clue what the hell I was married to.

The amount of lies told and the ****ed up lengths she went to in order to maintain and cover up the affairs. Crying rape when she got knocked up by someone else, lying in court about it, lying to therapists about it, spending years and 10's of thousands of dollars in court in an attempt to keep the "rapist" away from the child, putting me through the hell of dealing with the guy who I thought raped, knocked up, and beat the **** out of my wife because she didn't want to see him, making me believe I was raising a "rape baby". Being able to put me through all of that hell instead of just leaving or owning up to being a ****.

That the trickle truth could keep getting worse and worse and how ****ing awful that feels every time. 

The mental agony and physical pain when discovering **** like that...

That she was banging two steroid-using gym rats.

That she was letting herself be some pricks sex toy and doing all sorts of things she'd never do with me. 

How disgusting she had been, how "sloppy" sloppy seconds can be, and how repulsive she could become to me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> POSOM was a piece of work. I quit being obsessed with getting even About four years ago On advice of my IC. POSOM has done himself in all by himself. Real piece of work. Learned he filed for bankruptcy three years ago,too. Melted my heart. Karma is real.


💩😢👏👏👏👏👏


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JBLH said:


> We had the best night of our lives. The very next day I did a 180° turn and removed myself from any contact with her and two days after that I served her the divorce papers.
> 
> Although if felt good at first to dunk on het face, I haven’t been able to shake off the disappointment. Meaning it wasn’t the “victory” I thought it was going to be.
> 
> I guess it’ll take time.


Yep, pretty sad. The thing is it was a choice/decision on her part. Repeated infidelity is real and more so if there is no remorse. Many confuse sorry they got caught with remorse.
Sorry.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Honestly, the biggest surprise for me was that she actually expressed her feelings for the OM in writing. The AP was not a surprise, and our marriage was in bad shape, so it was more of a "well, crap, there it is". So what surprised me was the fact she wrote it, sent it in an email, and didn't delete it, knowing that I am a pretty nosy person to begin with. 

So glad I did, too, because I caught it and confronted her before it went physical.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Of course I stayed! 😁
> 
> 33 years later we are still together.
> 
> A complicated situation.


Actually not all that complicated. It is actually quite typical.

 Majority of those couples who have cheated stay together

60 to 75% of couples who have been unfaithful stay together


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

bobert said:


> That she was capable of doing it. I didn't think she could ever do that because of past trauma and how many issues we had in the sex department.
> 
> That I accused her of cheating 8 years prior, was made out to be the bad guy, and was right all along.
> 
> ...


And after all of that you're still with her?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

bobert said:


> That she was capable of doing it. I didn't think she could ever do that because of past trauma and how many issues we had in the sex department.
> 
> That I accused her of cheating 8 years prior, was made out to be the bad guy, and was right all along.
> 
> ...


I can’t imagine raising an affair child. That has to be so difficult. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. People suck.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Affairs seem to be more about the cheater than the relationship they’re in. Although cheaters will blame the relationship for their cheating, it’s a choice they made when they could have made other choices. Asking for a divorce would be better than cheating, for example. But I’d say cheaters want to have their marriage with the lifestyle, shared bank accounts and kids etc but also want to dabble in single life, again.
> 
> If you read many threads on here, that seems to be the theme. Rarely do cheaters when caught want to divorce - they typically beg to stay in the marriage etc and this crazy hysterical bonding thing starts. If cheating was about the relationship - wouldn’t they not beg to stay?


My H started months ago maybe longer, I’m not sure. They both apparently met on some forum complaining about their spouses, decided to divorce their spouses, at the exact time. Both encouraging the other to “taste the sweetness of freedom”. I think they’ll last, as they seem to share very disturbing traits.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Lostinthelight said:


> My H started months ago maybe longer, I’m not sure. They both apparently met on some forum complaining about their spouses, decided to divorce their spouses, at the exact time. Both encouraging the other to “taste the sweetness of freedom”. I think they’ll last, as they seem to share very disturbing traits.


Sorry to hear that.

I seriously doubt they will. Any relationship based on opportunity seldom lasts.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> I can’t imagine raising an affair child. That has to be so difficult. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. People suck.


Only an animal does that.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> I can’t imagine raising an affair child. That has to be so difficult. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. People suck.


It is difficult. It's a lot easier now though. The hardest things for me were having to "co-parent" with an AP and seeing him/his features when I looked at my daughter. 

The sperm donor no longer has parental rights, is out of the picture for the most part, and I adopted my daughter so legally she's mine and no different than my other kids. 

And having a biological daughter helped a lot. I thought my oldest daughter had her sperm donors eyes but my 11 month old has the exact same ice blue eye color. So the color didn't necessarily come from him and her eyes aren't a reminder of him anymore.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

What surprised me was that I truly didn't care whatsoever and wasn't surprised. I was already going to leave, so it just made the decisions easier.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Lostinthelight said:


> My H started months ago maybe longer, I’m not sure. They both apparently met on some forum complaining about their spouses, decided to divorce their spouses, at the exact time. Both encouraging the other to “taste the sweetness of freedom”. I think they’ll last, as they seem to share very disturbing traits.


Well, they’re both cheaters, and one or the other will always wonder …will he/she cheat on me? 

That’s the irony when these things happen but I hope you are doing okay.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Well, they’re both cheaters, and one or the other will always wonder …will he/she cheat on me?
> 
> That’s the irony when these things happen but I hope you are doing okay.


I’m finally moved out and into my new place with my kids. We started a 2 day rotation with our 6 yr old. I had to to take over paying all of the bills as he refused. But I am ok, thank you for asking. Next week, we start the one week off and one week on and I hope at 6 our son will be able to cope with not seeing the other parent. He’s being served this week, finally.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

JBLH said:


> the dude is a foot shorter than me, 50 pounds overweight and a receding hairline (I REALLY took offense to this). And lastly, it was finding TAM and putting together a game plan that allowed me to find out important information like my ex having a credit card I knew nothing about, that she was seeing the other animal during a ½ hour window after school and sometimes during the weekend for an hour at a time


So, that's like saying "I knew that our marriage wasn't safe with you around handsome guys. Now I know that our marriage wasn't safe either with you around ugly guys!"


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

JBLH said:


> We had the best night of our lives. The very next day I did a 180° turn and removed myself from any contact with her and two days after that I served her the divorce papers.
> 
> Although if felt good at first to dunk on het face, I haven’t been able to shake off the disappointment. Meaning it wasn’t the “victory” I thought it was going to be.
> 
> I guess it’ll take time.


Because it wasn't the best night of your life. I can't imagine what is essentially revenge sex would ever, or should ever, be the best night of your life. It represents a complete separation of sexuality and intimacy from marriage; all action and no long-term substance. That doesn't sound like something that can work in a relationship long-term. 

You were basically dumbing sex down to her level. And that level was unacceptable in your marriage. Looking forward to a lifetime of empty sex... well, sure, but... just no.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> She also had at least one other guy she would see infrequently when she needed money or some work done.


Does this mean that she was working as a prostitute?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

My wife married her HS BF at 17 and over 10 yrs he cheated at least 3 times. He had a band and groupies. She finally got proof and just walked away. She wanted nothing more to do with him. Left her cattle, house was double wide he let for close, all his band equipment, she bought. She just left. Said it was fact family/friends knew and never said a word. She rarely speaks to her mom/dad now. 

Met me 4 mo later, about this time 26 yrs ago. Divorce final Oct 10, married May 10 next year. I showed her what love and fidelity was all about. She said she never knew what love was until me.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Asterix said:


> Does this mean that she was working as a prostitute?


I don't think she was working as an actual prostitute, I think she was just playing the damsel in distress card some ladies often do. It's pretty easy for even an unattractive woman to get various men to do favors for her if she wants. She had a guy friend that worked on cars for a living so he fixed her old beater for her for free. I know she scammed some other idiot out of thousands of dollars too. People still tell me things about her because we know a lot of the same people and I heard that guy still talks to her even though she almost cleaned him out. He's a slow learner.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

bobert said:


> It is difficult. It's a lot easier now though. The hardest things for me were having to "co-parent" with an AP and seeing him/his features when I looked at my daughter.
> 
> The sperm donor no longer has parental rights, is out of the picture for the most part, and I adopted my daughter so legally she's mine and no different than my other kids.
> 
> And having a biological daughter helped a lot. I thought my oldest daughter had her sperm donors eyes but my 11 month old has the exact same ice blue eye color. So the color didn't necessarily come from him and her eyes aren't a reminder of him anymore.


Two of my kids have slate blue eyes.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Two of my kids have slate blue eyes.


It is a little encouragement that if both parents have blue eyes, short of genetic mutation in the child, the child will have blue eyes also. Wife and I both have blue, if one of my two kids had another color, I would have raised an eye brow to that.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> It is a little encouragement that if both parents have blue eyes, short of genetic mutation in the child, the child will have blue eyes also. Wife and I both have blue, if one of my two kids had another color, I would have raised an eye brow to that.


My kid that has two redheaded biological parents, from totally redheaded families, doesn't have red hair. She was born with red hair but it quickly changed. Pretty sure two redheads makes a redhead, usually. Genetics are weird.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> It is a little encouragement that if both parents have blue eyes, short of genetic mutation in the child, the child will have blue eyes also. Wife and I both have blue, if one of my two kids had another color, I would have raised an eye brow to that.


I'm not sure of that science. My wife and I both have green / hazel eyes and both my daughters have blue eyes


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Jimi007 said:


> I'm not sure of that science. My wife and I both have green / hazel eyes and both my daughters have blue eyes


Eye color was for a long time thought to be more simple than it actually is.


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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

What caught me by surprise is that he is cheating with transgender porn 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Jimi007 said:


> I'm not sure of that science. My wife and I both have green / hazel eyes and both my daughters have blue eyes


Blue is recessive, so you have to have a recessive eye color trait from both parents to have blue eyes. Green or brown eye traits are dominant, if you get green from mom and blue from dad, you have green eyes. 

Same with red hair, if both parents have red hair, the can only pass on a recessive red hair trait. All kids, unless they have a genetic mutation, will have red hair.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Eye color was for a long time thought to be more simple than it actually is.


A person can have a genetic mutation that can change traits.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

I was shocked at just how brazenly and blatantly she canoodled with her ex, in front of everyone, without any regard towards me or my feelings. In one day I went from being the center of her world to being a lawn ornament.


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## Avgman (Jan 18, 2019)

Mine was seeing the gf do exactly what my ex prior had done, cheat with what I thought was my best friend at the time. Went I met her and told her what I had just got out of, she said what a w***e, how could anyone do that...

Then 8 years later she does the same thing, with a different "friend" obviously. This guy was/is a bum, I friended him through work because I felt bad for him. No friends, no money, nothing. 

He ends up getting married and has a first child on the way, is an alcoholic, his wife cried to us about how worthless he had become, begged is to help him... actually said she wished he was more like me. I was the best man in his their wedding.

All of that and my gf ends up screwing the guy. And I'm thinking, you see how miserable his wife is, he's everything you said you hated, the drinking, the worthlessness,etc...

He actually tried to get her to run away with him...said he didn't care about his unborn child. That makes me sick knowing that the woman I cared for, a mother of 2, was okay letting this guy have sex with her after saying that...


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

An old girlfriend.
We'd spent the day together, after which she told me with bright excited eyes, that she had some great news she'd been wanting to tell me; she'd met a guy who she was quite smitten by, was going to go see him that night. I think it changed me forever, she killed the 'nice guy' in me that day.


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

The whole experience was a surprise, as my wife was always the rule follower. I had no clue it was going on until I opened the phone and found suspicious texts.


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## LKT1988 (4 mo ago)

Honestly, I always had a feeling but today I found the videos on our work tablet.... I don't know how I feel but I am so surprised that he video it and didn't delete the texts that I also found. I thought most cheaters tried to hide it but he is just leaving it out in the open...


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## UltRugSwpr (7 mo ago)

Two things surprised me when my girlfriend / fiancée / wife cheated on me (yup, she did it at all levels with multiple people): (1) the depth of her denial is absolutely sociopathic. Despite incontrovertible facts, she continues to deny, minimize and gaslight me; and (2) my ability to rug sweep and move on.
But here is the deal, I have not moved on. After two years of dating, two years of engagement and 40 years marriage, I am undeniably miserable in my marriage. It is the first thing I think about when I awake in the morning and the last thing I think about as I try to fall asleep at night. Every. Single. Day. And you wanna know what the worst of it is? It is that I know it is 100% my fault. I enabled it. I did virtually nothing then and I continue to do nothing now. Oh, we have had arguments. We have sought counseling. But reconciliation continues to elude us. Now, here I am, posting on a website of complete strangers. In hopes of what?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

UltRugSwpr said:


> Two things surprised me when my girlfriend / fiancée / wife cheated on me (yup, she did it at all levels with multiple people): (1) the depth of her denial is absolutely sociopathic. Despite incontrovertible facts, she continues to deny, minimize and gaslight me; and (2) my ability to rug sweep and move on.
> But here is the deal, I have not moved on. After two years of dating, two years of engagement and 40 years marriage, I am undeniably miserable in my marriage. It is the first thing I think about when I awake in the morning and the last thing I think about as I try to fall asleep at night. Every. Single. Day. And you wanna know what the worst of it is? It is that I know it is 100% my fault. I enabled it. I did virtually nothing then and I continue to do nothing now. Oh, we have had arguments. We have sought counseling. But reconciliation continues to elude us. Now, here I am, posting on a website of complete strangers. In hopes of what?


Start a thread in the infidelity section with your story. I think you’ll find at least a measure of help and not feeling alone here, and people can respond to your story directly.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

UltRugSwpr, 

It's not too late to get 

WW to write out a timeline, 

Take a polygraph, 

Get your kids DNA'ed.

Expose the OM / OW 

Separate or Divorce

Stand up for yourself.

I rugswept for 20+ years became a workaholic, thought I could love my WW enough that she would love me.

I would also guess your WW has the entire world convinced she is a great person and she has surrounded you with people on her side who would not believe anything to her discredit.

Time does not heal things which have never been fixed, are you still in the same area with the affair partners etc?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

UltRugSwpr said:


> Two things surprised me when my girlfriend / fiancée / wife cheated on me (yup, she did it at all levels with multiple people): (1) the depth of her denial is absolutely sociopathic. Despite incontrovertible facts, she continues to deny, minimize and gaslight me; and (2) my ability to rug sweep and move on.
> But here is the deal, I have not moved on. After two years of dating, two years of engagement and 40 years marriage, I am undeniably miserable in my marriage. It is the first thing I think about when I awake in the morning and the last thing I think about as I try to fall asleep at night. Every. Single. Day. And you wanna know what the worst of it is? It is that I know it is 100% my fault. I enabled it. I did virtually nothing then and I continue to do nothing now. Oh, we have had arguments. We have sought counseling. But reconciliation continues to elude us. Now, here I am, posting on a website of complete strangers. In hopes of what?


I think you might be better off if you make your own thread?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> I think you might be better off if you make your own thread?


I believe @LKT1988 , may benefit from doing the same.
Apologies, I see she has.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

My biggest surprise was about the emotions.

For me it was the absolute rage I felt. I scared myself at times. The best advice I got was to buy a heavy bag. Looking back, I’m shocked that I never broke my hand punching that thing so hard in for so long.

For her, I expected crying I expected her to ask to give her a second chance, but I was surprised at just how much she lost it. She was placed in a psychiatric hospital multiple times since DDay, and exactly what she was willing to offer in due for a second chance.

and the third thing that surprised me, especially looking back, was the extent that my in-laws asked me for help taking care of her. It ranged from asking just to talk to her face-to-face, to last year offering to pay to have an Inlaw apartment added onto my house so that she could live there as they didn’t feel that they could be there for her as much as she needed, and they thought that just being that close to me wouldn’t help her in her recovery. Yeah right!

I’m approaching 4th Anniversary of the divorce finalized in less than two weeks. I am very happy with my life. And two great kids, a job that is so so but we’ll paying, an active social life,etc. she was fired from her job immediately, has been multiple times in the funny farm, has been living with her parents because they’re worried about self harm, can’t barely speak to her still, in her personal and professional relationship with burns to the ground.

I see Less and less Of her all the time now that the thaw last child is away at college. I refuse to meet with the in laws anymore if she is the topic of discussion. But when I do see here, she STILL asks me out to dinner, asks/offers sex, whatever. She is crazy!


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Kamstel2 Wait! THIS ^^^^ After SHE cheated??


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

That OM1 made her into a different person, someone I never saw before, that she loved him so intensely it wouldn't surprise me if she gave him analingus.

That OM3 was 85 years old.

That OW1 was a devout born again Christian beautiful, innocent, unaware and about 30 years younger than my W.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> That OM1 made her into a different person, someone I never saw before, that she loved him so intensely it wouldn't surprise me if she gave him analingus.
> 
> That OM3 was 85 years old.
> 
> That OW1 was a devout born again Christian beautiful, innocent, unaware and about 30 years younger than my W.


No offense but WTF did you marry?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

JBLH said:


> No offense but WTF did you marry?


Absolutely no offense taken, no one can ever hope to say anything as bad as 1/10 of a percent of the reality of an affair. 

I cannot understand when posters become insulted by the mere opinions of other posters which they have 100% ability to consider or ignore.

WTF did you marry?------

A woman who drifts into relationships with other people unaware that her beauty is drawing them in, but who hates the entanglements given the destructive effects infidelity has had on her own family. 

A woman who is decent but lost most of her love for me during OM1, but feared the disapproval of her parents because they liked me as a husband to their daughter. Her serial cheating Dad was the first to approve of me, guess he knew I wouldn't cheat on his daughter.


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## Amplifi (Jan 22, 2020)

I think one of the (many) shocking facets of my ex-wife's cheating was the level of deception that she carried out for so long. Really effectively living 2 separate lives, and being capable of carrying out the constant lying, deception, betrayal...maintaining 2 different lives - one her partying, drug taking, sex in public bathrooms at 3am life, and then her life with her husband and children. It takes a real...._special_ kind of person to be able to pull that off for months or years. Beyond my comprehension.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

JBLH, your first post in this triggered a memory of a divorce from several years ago. She had an office affair. It was discovered, and she was removed from his life altogether. This couple were on the board of a charity, and there was an annual dinner/dance approximately ten months after the separation. She brought the AP. It was the first time her STBX laid eyes on the guy that took his WW. In short, he pissed himself laughing. Affairing down was one thing, and he said it. She was slumming. He said, "Dear god, could you not find anything remotely appropriate?" The guy barely came up to her shoulder. He was tubby, sloppy fat. The dinner dance was formal, he wore a gray polyester suit. (Big mistake, as it amplified his BO) It did not hit WW that he was inappropriate, and that she had really affaired down, until hubby pointed it out, and several of their acquaintances expressed their surprise if not disappointment at her choice of partners. Her ex also knew something about her psychology, and that after he had expressed his criticism, a follow up from her friends and acquaintances would have her revisiting her decisions with regards to AP. She dropped him the next day. She also got a load of what her ex H was dating, and if it were not enough that her choice of partners made her look ridiculous, her exH's choice made her look old and less than attractive. In all, it was the worst evening of her life, and it spurred her to fix the mess she had made.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Taxman said:


> JBLH, your first post in this triggered a memory of a divorce from several years ago. She had an office affair. It was discovered, and she was removed from his life altogether. This couple were on the board of a charity, and there was an annual dinner/dance approximately ten months after the separation. She brought the AP. It was the first time her STBX laid eyes on the guy that took his WW. In short, he pissed himself laughing. Affairing down was one thing, and he said it. She was slumming. He said, "Dear god, could you not find anything remotely appropriate?" The guy barely came up to her shoulder. He was tubby, sloppy fat. The dinner dance was formal, he wore a gray polyester suit. (Big mistake, as it amplified his BO) It did not hit WW that he was inappropriate, and that she had really affaired down, until hubby pointed it out, and several of their acquaintances expressed their surprise if not disappointment at her choice of partners. Her ex also knew something about her psychology, and that after he had expressed his criticism, a follow up from her friends and acquaintances would have her revisiting her decisions with regards to AP. She dropped him the next day. She also got a load of what her ex H was dating, and if it were not enough that her choice of partners made her look ridiculous, her exH's choice made her look old and less than attractive. In all, it was the worst evening of her life, and it spurred her to fix the mess she had made.


How did she fix it ? Did she get back with her husband ?


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Taxman said:


> She also got a load of what her ex H was dating, and if it were not enough that her choice of partners made her look ridiculous, her exH's choice made her look old and less than attractive.





Jimi007 said:


> How did she fix it ? Did she get back with her husband ?


Based on what Taxman wrote here, I hope the husband did not get back with her, a known cheater.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Jimi007 said:


> How did she fix it ? Did she get back with her husband ?


No, she was referred to a psychiatrist. Did a deep dive on her motivations. She appeared significantly changed the last time she was in to do a tax return. (my business partner is female, and we tend to retain clients by cross reference to one another) My partner says that WW is still dealing with a significant drop in lifestyle, and when the counselling starts making an impact, she should be on the road to healing. Going to take her a while.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Of course I stayed! 😁
> 
> 33 years later we are still together.
> 
> A complicated situation.


What's complicated about it?



bobert said:


> That she was capable of doing it. I didn't think she could ever do that because of past trauma and how many issues we had in the sex department.
> 
> That I accused her of cheating 8 years prior, was made out to be the bad guy, and was right all along.
> 
> ...


What's the point in complaining when you still ultimately decided to stay with her? It's like complaining about a broken arm but refusing to go to the doctor.


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