# Need a woman point of view



## The invisibleman (Aug 16, 2010)

I'm reposting this in the Ladies Lounge because I need a womans outlook before I screw everything up more than it already is, please help if you can...

I love my wife very much, we had been together for 9 yrs, married for 3 yrs, and have a 5 yr old daughter together, no other children. About a year ago she decided that she was unhappy. There has been no affairs, no substance abuse, or gambling problems or domestic abuse of any kind. we are about the same age (29/30) and she feels that she is very depressed and dosnt know why. She claims that she needed space and I stayed with some family for a week, then she claimed that I needed to be at home with her and our daughter. Howeve since I have been back at home she shows me no affection at all, an ocasional hug (sorry for spelling) and a kiss if im lucky. We are however still sexually active with eachother, yet afterwards she dosent even want to sleep in the same room as me. She was seriously considering a divorce, however she told her family that she feels she would be making a huge mistake, yet she tells me that she dosnt want to be with anyone right know do to her depression. She has been spending a lot of time with her girlfriends from work, (keep in mimd we have not been getting along for a while) apparently she has been discussing her depression and marriage with HER counsler, I have resulted to seeing OUR marriger counsler on my own. Im pretty close to her family my family too, by in-laws) and according to them, she had informed them that she is'nt getting a divorce, however she wants me to think that so i realize what I could lose, she is testing me by playing HARD TO GET. Ive been playing this game for a while, yet now Im growing resentful due to the lack of affection,I love her, my freinds and family tell me to GET OUT while I can but I just cant muster up the strength to do so, Im too much in love with her, and my daughter is oblivious to what is going on between us, yet when I spend time with (see, we no longer do things as a family anymore either) I just get depressed because it feels like she should be with us, it reminds me of the times when things were right, I suddenly grow really depressed, even the most adorable things she dose reminds me of my wife and I find myself holding back tears, Im willing to do ANYTHING to save my marriage, I LOVE HER, everything I do is for the two of them from work to leisure, I feel invisible. We still live together, have relations, and go out ocassionally, she hugs me every now and then but Im lucky if a get a kiss of to work or a "how was your night when I return" I feel like leaving, moving out but I cant take the lonlieness, and I fear that not being around my do more damage then good, even though she acts like she wants nothing to do with me. Please, I need some advice from others who can relate.


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## The invisibleman (Aug 16, 2010)

No one? It would be greatly appreciated.....


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm really sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds as though you have done everything humanly possible. I can only think of two other suggestion which might help. First, you might try reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The book really helps us to understand this whole "in love" phenomenon, and tells us how to put that back in our relationships. There may be other relationship books which may be helpful as well. Other forum members are always recommending some good ones. Second, you may want to speak to a member of the clergy. Sometimes these problems on Earth make no sense at all. I've found over the years these problems are better off placed in God's capable hands.

Good luck to you.


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

not a woman here but try taking the love buster quiz it did bring up some answers when we took it last night .


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## Marcos (Aug 6, 2010)

I know you said you need it a woman’s point of view, I hope you don’t mind if I give you my 2-cents, I don’t have the answers but sometimes hearing from people that are experiencing the same issues helps clear your mind. My case is like yours, I’m 31 and she is 28, no affairs or any kind of issues, except for time, with time people sometimes forget what they really want out of life. I got the same thing from my wife; needing space, depression and the whole “I need to find myself”, it’s very frustrating when you can’t point to a situation or something we did to them to make them feel that we, but it is a bunch of things over time that drives them to feel that way. It’s crazy how much your situation is like what I’m living at home, we have sex too but afterwards she makes me feel like she regret doing it and goes to sleep in another room. I feel you, it totally sucks. It’s very hard dealing with this type of situation. I’m starting to feel resentful too, is like I give and give affection and she does not give you any in return, it hurts. About holding back tears with your daughter, man…..it happens to me all the time, I see pictures of us over the past 10 years and it hurts like crazy how things are not the same right now. What I learned so far is that there is nothing we can do, we can work on ourselves, be better Fathers but somehow nothing we do will changed the way they feel, backing off and not being a jerk about it might change, there was a period of about 3 weeks when we didn’t live together that I distracted myself by going out and hanging out with other people (not recommended) but during this time she show some signs of life as far us wanting to make things right again. Every time I go out of my way to be this perfect guy, it only pushes her back. I’m trying just to relax and let things take its course, making sure she does not forget that I love her but that I won’t be begging for her anymore. When she is ready to live a happy life with me, hopefully I will still be her. Same like you, I cannot leave.


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## LisaC (Aug 24, 2010)

I'm no expert - having issues with my own marriage, but from what you described - you have been together since you were around 20 to 21 years old. I think when people get married that young they have not had the opportunity to go out and have fun and enjoy life before parenthood. See if she feels that she missed out on going to school or doing something different with her life. She just may want to explore some different things that would make her feel better about herself, but wants to know that you will support her and stick with her. Sounds like you are doing everything else you can to make her feel loved.


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## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

The key word here is depression.

I had depression not long ago and I am sure I made my DH's life a living hell. My advice to you would be to encourage her to get medical treatment for her depression (And not just some wack job who's making money off her issues by making it worse, not better) and find some kind of support for yourself in dealing with a person who is depressed.

They are not fun to deal with by any stretch of the imagination. Depressed people pull down the entire family and their friends, too, if those who are not depressed allow it.

My husband took my depression to my mother who is a vitamin nut. She prescribed (And I nor my mother is a doctor so do your own research on this and ask your PCP) B Complex Vitamin, Omega 3 fish oils, L-theanine, Apple Cider Vinegar pill (to help stomach the Fish oil) and a good woman's multivitamin, I take Woman’s One-a-day. I took everything religiously for three months and I am still getting myself back to where I was before my depression, but I am much better now. 

The hubby and I are now dealing with other issues with him, but I have faith we will work through it, but that's OT.

If her counselor is letting her play games with you, she needs a new counselor.

This is just bad behavior and it's getting worse. If it IS depression, she needs medical attention from people who really want to help her and not paint you as a bad guy (I got that from the whole playing hard to get thing, so if it's not true, ignore me.)

Depression is a horrible, ugly thing and it affects the people around the depressed person worse than it affects the depressed person, and one of the side effects is becoming depressed yourself. It is not an illness to take lightly or think someone is just going to easily snap out of it at some point on their own. If she's still going out with friends, speaking with other family members and only seems to have a problem with you, then it's a marriage issue and you should be working it out together with your joint marriage counselor. Don't let her blame depression for her bad behavior. If she is depressed, she needs to actively work to correct the problem, with your love and support of course.

Continue to give your wife and your daughter your love and support. It helps a ton when we depressed people finally make it to the other side of our dark tunnel, but in no way should being depressed be used as an excuse to treat people badly. If she is depressed, she will feel guilty about how you’ve been treated while this was happening to your family, and let her for a tiny bit, but don’t let her dwell on it. She needs to take responsibility for her life. I had my husband and my mother shoving pills down my throat at my total protest for about a month before I started to feel better, but once I figured out life could be different and better, I whole heartedly took action to keep myself from being sucked back into that black hole. She might need a bit of a push from you, and you might have to be “The bad guy” to get her the help she needs, but trust me, it’s worth it. I love my “bad guy” dearly and wouldn’t give him up for anything, even when he does things I don’t like, but really is in my best interest. (Like make me take a truck load of pills everyday for three months so he could have his wife back.)

As I tell anyone I give marriage advice too, you're in this together. It's not HER problem and it's not YOUR problem. It's what I term as an OUR problem. Anything good or bad that happens in a marriage equally affects both people.

Get yourself the help and support you need so you can successfully help her through her depression. Don’t let her use her depression as a weapon against you. It’s not healthy for you, for her or for your child.

Best of luck and I do hope it all works out for the best for you.


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## wheretogo (Aug 27, 2010)

I was reading and what you are talking about sounds so familiar but from the other side of the fence. I think that age has something to do with it and yeah depression may have something to do with it as well. I think that "what if's" can get in the way. I have started thinking that maybe people changing has something to do with it or the dynamic between two people. I am sorry that you are going through a rough time and it does not seem that there are any right answers. I think that the only thing to do is to give her space and then hopefully she will come back to where things were. I would look at how things used to be. . . things that you used to do. . . I would say from a female perspective that things change after you have kids as well. 

I hope some of this helps and I wish you the best of luck. . .


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