# She says it's over, I don't want to give up.



## raines883 (Mar 3, 2013)

The title says it all. We have been married for 2.5 years and last night she tells me she cares about me but is no longer in love with me and that our she is done. The problem is we have always had a rocky marriage, mostly due to me. Up until a few weeks ago I didn't love her either, then one morning I woke up looked myself in the mirror and didn't like who I had become. That's when I realized that I loved her, and that I was still in love with her. And for that reason I want to change to better myself and to be a better husband to her. I just think it's too late. So I guess I'm just asking if I should just prove to her that I can be better? I've said so much already and never followed through so telling her won't work. And I really don't know what to say to her, nothing I can say will help. 

For me right now I want to prove to her that I am better than the man she married. I just hope I can show her what I can become not only for me, but her. Has anyone else fell out of love with their partner only to realize later you still love them?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

raines883 said:


> The title says it all. We have been married for 2.5 years and last night she tells me she cares about me but is no longer in love with me and that our she is done. The problem is we have always had a rocky marriage, mostly due to me. Up until a few weeks ago I didn't love her either, then one morning I woke up looked myself in the mirror and didn't like who I had become. That's when I realized that I loved her, and that I was still in love with her. And for that reason I want to change to better myself and to be a better husband to her. I just think it's too late. So I guess I'm just asking if I should just prove to her that I can be better? I've said so much already and never followed through so telling her won't work. And I really don't know what to say to her, nothing I can say will help.
> 
> For me right now I want to prove to her that I am better than the man she married. I just hope I can show her what I can become not only for me, but her. Has anyone else fell out of love with their partner only to realize later you still love them?


I suggest couples counselling. This can either bring a couple together or help them have a more amicable exit from their relationship.


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

i dont have any advice for you, but just wanted to say that i wish my WH would have "woken up" to realize he loved me. 

i pray for it daily, but nothing seems to change. 
dont kill yourself over it, you cant make her care or love you. just make sure you put yourself first.

cuz no one else will. 

(((huggs)))


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You have to find who she's "in love" with.

Maybe an ex boyfriend or a new lover.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Cut her lose and try improving yourself. If she falls on hard times
you will be the first guy she will think of for a handout.


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## raines883 (Mar 3, 2013)

Thanks for all the quick advice. I don't believe she is in love with anyone, but that doesn't mean there isn't a ER PR that she is having with someone else. If there is, I wouldn't be mad at her because of what I put her through. So in the end you guys/gals are right. I need to continue improving myself and put myself first for once. And while I will still hold out hope I can show her I am the man she once loved. If not, time eases all pain.


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## setinmyways (Mar 3, 2013)

if she is you should be mad and you should blame her. no one can make you do something you dont want to. I wish u the best of luck. I fought hard for my ex-wife to love me back after she had had enough of my bs, of course it didnt work.


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## raines883 (Mar 3, 2013)

@setinmyways - I would be mad at the person she was with not her because my BS drove her there. And no matter what I will not go down with out fighting for her. Because I'm not changing for her but because of her, she made me a better person. I just hope I can prove that to her.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

You know what the problem is with being too late?

It's too late.


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## raines883 (Mar 3, 2013)

Yea that is true. The only person to blame is myself. And while I will continue to improve myself I will always hold out hope that maybe that will prove to her that I'm better than that man she married. I'm hoping she just made a rash decision.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

What exactly did you do? 

How is it you think you have treated her or behaved so badly. 

A little or a lot more info from you would get you better advice and insight into your dilema.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

raines883 said:


> I just think it's too late.


It is. 2.5 years, no kids. It sucks, but now you know how to treat your next wife.

I will say it for the 1,000th time: Two days of pre-marriage counseling and it was all group hugs and "it'll get tough, but hang in there". 

CHANGE THAT: "Kids, there is a crisis in this country and NOBODY is talking about it. Take a good look at that blushing bride of yours that is in a different room getting the female equivalent of this talk. There is a MASSIVE chance that she will start falling out of love with you and you WILL NOT KNOW IT. Unfortunately, research also discovered that they don't tell you until it's too late".

The spend the rest of the two days is spent on how to discover it, prevent it, deal with it. I don't know how. I'm not one of the experts (that have been ignoring this epidemic for 200 years). I'm just one of the fools that got blindsided by it. 

But I'm 50. I'm old. 3 kids. I'm trapped in this misery with no present and an uncertain future. And I'll spare you about what this revelation did to what I thought was a happy 20 years of PAST!

I actually envy you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It might be too late.

My ex h treated me horribly. Once I had my mind made up that I was leaving, I left without looking back. I was in MC and they told me I needed to exit the marriage ASAP. It was very easy to leave. My ex h did not want to divorce.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

raines883 said:


> The title says it all. We have been married for 2.5 years and last night she tells me she cares about me but is no longer in love with me and that our she is done. The problem is we have always had a rocky marriage, mostly due to me. Up until a few weeks ago I didn't love her either, then one morning I woke up looked myself in the mirror and didn't like who I had become. That's when I realized that I loved her, and that I was still in love with her. And for that reason I want to change to better myself and to be a better husband to her. I just think it's too late. So I guess I'm just asking if I should just prove to her that I can be better? I've said so much already and never followed through so telling her won't work. And I really don't know what to say to her, nothing I can say will help.
> 
> For me right now I want to prove to her that I am better than the man she married. I just hope I can show her what I can become not only for me, but her. Has anyone else fell out of love with their partner only to realize later you still love them?


I think there is hope for you.

But remember hope is not a plan.

You are right, words without actions don't work anymore for you.

First book a counseling appointment. Read all the suggested books you will see on here on building a healthy marriage. Read as many threads as possible on this forum.

If she is moving out, let her go gracefully telling her you are making it your #1 priority to improve yourself & to win her back & this is important.....IF SHE CHOOSES.

Good luck.


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## curlyred (Mar 2, 2013)

raines883 said:


> The title says it all. We have been married for 2.5 years and last night she tells me she cares about me but is no longer in love with me and that our she is done. The problem is we have always had a rocky marriage, mostly due to me. Up until a few weeks ago I didn't love her either, then one morning I woke up looked myself in the mirror and didn't like who I had become. That's when I realized that I loved her, and that I was still in love with her. And for that reason I want to change to better myself and to be a better husband to her. I just think it's too late. So I guess I'm just asking if I should just prove to her that I can be better? I've said so much already and never followed through so telling her won't work. And I really don't know what to say to her, nothing I can say will help.
> 
> For me right now I want to prove to her that I am better than the man she married. I just hope I can show her what I can become not only for me, but her. Has anyone else fell out of love with their partner only to realize later you still love them?




Raines, right now I feel Like I'm in the same position as your wife.
I'm about ready to give up trying. The only difference being that on the whole our marriage was a very happy one with just a few blips.
It's only the last few years that have been unhappy and bloody hard work. I still love my husband and all I've ever wanted was for him to put me and our kids first. To treat me as he used to.

Actions speak volumes, tell her your sorry and your going to change- then do it! Don't try to fill her with BS just put all your effort into being a better person for you and for her.
I hope you can turn things around and make amends, if you can't save your marriage at least make the seperation easier on both of you. 
Learn from the mistakes you've both made and try not to repeat them. All we ever want is to be happy, loved and safe. It's not much to ask. I wish you luck.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

curlyred said:


> Learn from the mistakes you've both made and try not to repeat them. All we ever want is to be happy, loved and safe. It's not much to ask. I wish you luck.


That simple, huh? I wonder why so many of us f.u.c.k up then.


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## curlyred (Mar 2, 2013)

MrK said:


> That simple, huh? I wonder why so many of us f.u.c.k up then.


No it's not that simple I really wish it was, then we'd all be happy..... but it's a step in the right direction and its something to aim for.


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## raines883 (Mar 3, 2013)

Honestly I don't think she is going to give me one more chance. Which she shouldn't, I slowly pushed her away and then after it was too late I did everything you are not suppose to do. I smothered, was clingy, and tried too hard. No woman wants that in her man, I was just so desperate to make it work I was willing to do anything. If I do bring our relationship up it just makes her mad and she leaves, because that was one of the problems. I would always bring stupid stuff up and never fix anything. 

Like another poster said, the problem with too late is that it's too late. So this morning after my first solo skydiving jump I realized that I'm going to keep improving myself. And although I wish it wasn't too late for this marriage at some point you have to decide to turn move on. I'll keep a glimmer of that hope in the back of my mind, but I won't let it control me. I'll let her go. Because in the end she deserved more than I could ever give her.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Thats sweet that you went skydiving. 
Thats the one thing i have always been too scared to do. 
I know if i did, it would probably be the best thing i ever could do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## raines883 (Mar 3, 2013)

@Naga75 - Yea that's something that she got me into awhile ago with a tandem and then I planned on getting my license, just never did of course. But I still love it, the feeling you get is something else completely. And you will meet so many great people that makes it all worth it.


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## raines883 (Mar 3, 2013)

@curlyred - I'm going to take your advice. Tonight before she goes to sleep I'm going to tell her I'm sorry and that if there is anything I can do to work this out. It's just over the last couple of days after she told me she was done, I truly believe she is. But after everyone's suggestions I feel I have to know. Because she means too much to me to give up without a fight. I'm still deciding on what to say to her though, but I have to tell her that I'm going to prove it to her this time. And if she says no then I will let her go, because she does deserve so much more than I have given her. I just think too much has happened for us to start over. I hope I'm wrong on this but I really doubt it. In the end I will always care for her, but if she is moving on then so will I. I just wish this happened a little while sooner so I would never have realized how much I love her still. Even right now as she sits quietly across from me I find myself stealing glances because of how beautiful she is.

Time heals all wounds though.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

raines, what did you do that was so heinous that your wife cannot get over it? I realize that she gave you some chances, but what did you do? Maybe you were not nearly as bad as you thought or maybe it really is pretty bad. Then again, maybe your wife is no walk in the park either and she has unrealistic views on marriage. If you tell us more about you and your marriage, maybe you'll get more help from others who may have been in the exact same situation as you are currently in. Worth a shot.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Umm...yea odds are 10 to 1 that there is someone else in the picture.

Only then do people have the courage to leave even the most abusive relationships (because there is a plan B) or make their partner take all the blame for the relationship's shortcomings.

I'm sure you didn't contribute to ALL the problems as much as you'd like to believe.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Let her go and work on improving yourself and moving on with your life. If you pursue her you will appear clingy and push her away. If you let her go she may come back to you. Do what is called a 180.


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## raines883 (Mar 3, 2013)

I talked to her last night after debating about everything and told her that I wasn't going to beg for another chance, that I didn't want to stay together and work on our relationship just because we have a house together. And if there was any chance that we could be as happy as we once were she should let me prove to her that things WILL be different this time unlike all the other times. She gave me the last chance that I wanted, and while it might not work out at least this time I know I will give it my all and if it still doesn't work I won't have any regrets.

Someone asked what exactly I did. It's a long list of mostly saying I'm going to do something only to never do it. And with each time I couldn't see that she cared a little less. I did this with everything, which would make her sad and then I wouldn't be there to cheer her up. In the end I let us lose that ER which resulted in losing the PR. And from there it was bound to happen. The tipping point being this Friday when I went to a party with her and I was getting enough from her so I decided to go overboard, get drunk, try riding home, and then having the final blowup at home.

So now each day I promised to prove to her that I can be better. That I can show her what I have to offer her. She doesn't believe that she can make me happy, but with out her right now I don't see happiness ahead. Now while we all have our faults, I look to better myself because of her, not just for her. But all that matters to me is that I give this relationship everything I can, and if it doesn't work out at least we can part on good terms, possibly be friends, and with no regrets.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

YIKES...you didn't "love her for 2.5 years"...

Is she still willing..it can happen..

Also why suddenly do you "love her" ?(just out of curiosity)..

Why now? (does she ask you that?)...


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## raines883 (Mar 3, 2013)

@dallasapple - It's hard to explain but it's not that I didn't love her the whole time. I recently turned 30 and woke up one day and didn't like the person I had been. I was wasting my life doing nothing with it. I had no passions and no interests. There was no excitement with brought me into depression. At that point was when I decided I needed to do more with my life, to try to find something that I can be passionate about. Something that makes me want to try even more things. So I started working out again and trying everything I could. While I found I love learning to play piano and skydive there was still something missing. I had no one to share it with. I was ready to leave her. Got the paperwork and everything and then slowly I started to see her again. We sit across from each other while we work and a little each day I started to see her again. Then I started reading our old messages and looking through our pictures remembering how amazing it was once. I saw the woman I married before me, the woman that I still love and that hopefully I haven't done enough to drive a permanent wedge between us. As long as there is hope I will not try, but do!


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

raines883 said:


> I talked to her last night after debating about everything and told her that I wasn't going to beg for another chance, that I didn't want to stay together and work on our relationship just because we have a house together. And if there was any chance that we could be as happy as we once were she should let me prove to her that things WILL be different this time unlike all the other times. She gave me the last chance that I wanted, and while it might not work out at least this time I know I will give it my all and if it still doesn't work I won't have any regrets.
> 
> Someone asked what exactly I did. It's a long list of mostly saying I'm going to do something only to never do it. And with each time I couldn't see that she cared a little less. I did this with everything, which would make her sad and then I wouldn't be there to cheer her up. In the end I let us lose that ER which resulted in losing the PR. And from there it was bound to happen. The tipping point being this Friday when I went to a party with her and I was getting enough from her so I decided to go overboard, get drunk, try riding home, and then having the final blowup at home.
> 
> So now each day I promised to prove to her that I can be better. That I can show her what I have to offer her. She doesn't believe that she can make me happy, but with out her right now I don't see happiness ahead. Now while we all have our faults, I look to better myself because of her, not just for her. But all that matters to me is that I give this relationship everything I can, and if it doesn't work out at least we can part on good terms, possibly be friends, and with no regrets.


She's right. She can't _make _you happy. What she is really saying is that she wants to be a priority in your life. Not because you have a house or whatever but because you love her.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

keko said:


> You have to find who she's "in love" with.
> 
> Maybe an ex boyfriend or a new lover.


Or maybe she knew he didn't love her and after waiting for two and a half years, decided she deserved better.

It isn't always adultery.

Could be she HAS found someone else she likes...but is doing things the proper way: divorce THEN hook up.

Actions, not words, OP.


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## raines883 (Mar 3, 2013)

Figured I would update. Things have been going good the past few weeks in most areas. I've become the perfect husband as well as the man I always wanted to be. I don't know how to explain it but for once I know this is the time. I won't revert back to my old ways. I can't, I don't like who that person is. I love the person I have become.

Were still together and trying to work things out. Mostly me just proving to her each day that I am better than the man she married. Doing everything I always said I would. I no longer put stuff off until "later", which usually never came HeHe.

While the distance between us is still there as well as no sex life I think both of those will change with time. Hopefully after seeing the man I've become she will come to love me again. If not, I will let her go so that we won't be wasting each others time any longer.

While part of me wants to leave now, the sane part, the other part of me that loves her more than anything says to be patient. While she doesn't really give back maybe that will change. Who know, maybe I'm just some stupid idiot who fell in love with the wrong girl. Either way, this girl is worth fighting for and I will go down swinging.

If by chance we don't end up together, I know I gave it my all and the next girl I fall in love with will an amazing partner. Thanks to one girl opening an idiots eyes to what he was doing. I would thank for that. I hope everything works out in my case and I'm learning a lot about marriage and relationships. Have to make sure I don't make the same mistakes twice.


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## lillie.katie (Mar 19, 2013)

I think a marriage is just many years of falling in and out of love with the same person..it is hard work and commitment. If one person doesn't try then it doesn't work. If you have said you were going to change several times before and never made any attempt at fixing things than it may be to late..but what is it going to hurt to go to her and honestly tell her exactly what you said here? Maybe you guys could see a counselor as well?



raines883 said:


> The title says it all. We have been married for 2.5 years and last night she tells me she cares about me but is no longer in love with me and that our she is done. The problem is we have always had a rocky marriage, mostly due to me. Up until a few weeks ago I didn't love her either, then one morning I woke up looked myself in the mirror and didn't like who I had become. That's when I realized that I loved her, and that I was still in love with her. And for that reason I want to change to better myself and to be a better husband to her. I just think it's too late. So I guess I'm just asking if I should just prove to her that I can be better? I've said so much already and never followed through so telling her won't work. And I really don't know what to say to her, nothing I can say will help.
> 
> For me right now I want to prove to her that I am better than the man she married. I just hope I can show her what I can become not only for me, but her. Has anyone else fell out of love with their partner only to realize later you still love them?


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## raines883 (Mar 3, 2013)

@ lillie.katie - You are right. And I did tell her everything I have said here. I'm just trying to prove to her every day that I can be better. It's different than before because I want to be better because of her and for myself, not just for her. Like I said, I looked in the mirror and realized I didn't like the person I was. That was the defining moment where I realized I needed to change. I just hope it's not too late, there are moments when I feel like it is and then there are glimmers of hope where I can feel something between us. Like they say, when you have something worth fighting for you have the courage to never give up!


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## lillie.katie (Mar 19, 2013)

It's hard to do but I think I would just take a step back and keep working on myself. Maybe if she sees that you are keeping your promise of improving over time she will realize what she is losing. I know my ex always said he was going to change and do all these things. I left him and now he is with a new girlfriend and doing everything he said he would do for me. Frustrating? Extremely..why couldn't he do these things for me and our son? Do I want him back? No, I know that sooner or later he will go back to his old ways. If she decides to stay you need to be consistant and not slip...it will be work but I think you two are worth it


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

has any one suggested you read a married mans sex life. It not a sex manual it about getting and keeping the edge that made you attractive to your "SO" to begin with its a must read we recomend here all the time
Take care!


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## raines883 (Mar 3, 2013)

@ lillie.katie - That's the plan. I think I always reverted back to my old ways because I was trying to change for the wrong reasons. I wanted to change for her and did things expecting something in return and when I wouldn't get anything I would be mad and give up. It's different now because I'm being changing for me and anything I do for her is because I absolutely love her not because I want something in return. It's funny, the other day she told me I was trying too hard, that I was putting too much effort into our marriage and that she felt bad because she doesn't have the time to do the same. I asked her if she liked every thing I'd been doing for her, and of course she said yes. Then I simply said good because I wasn't going to stop putting everything into our marriage, which got me a beautiful little smile making my day 

While I agree that you should have left your ex, I should have been left as well. Maybe he will stay that way, maybe he will go back to the old ways. It all depends on why he is doing what he is doing. And if he didn't want to do it for you then you didn't need him! Myself though I won't slip. I can't afford to lose what has been built over the past few weeks. And you are right, we are worth it and thanks for the vote of confidence!


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## raines883 (Mar 3, 2013)

@ Decorum - No one actually suggested that, I will definitely take a look though. I love reading and willing to take advice from everywhere, if it helps I will let you know.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Yep, let your relationship heal a bit, the book is weighted to keep her interest, you have shown a lot of disinterest so I would not jump into the book with both feet yet, but when done at the right time it will help bring back her interest. But this book is a must read for men IMO!


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