# Dating being a full time single parent



## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

I figure most of you know my story. Divorced over a year now, I have full custody of my D8 and due to my ExW's instability (and the fact that she doesn't have a vehicle, and only recently moved into a rental about an hour away) she only does supervised (by me) visitation for about an hour every other week.

So I've been dating a girl for about 6 weeks now. We're moving appropriately slowly I feel. D8 has not been introduced yet, but has seen her name pop up on my phone when she texts or calls, and I told her she was a friend. We've had good conversation to see where each person is looking for in our relationship. I am looking for something long term (not that I'm going to jump into marriage tomorrow or anything!), she is as well.

So far I've gotten a family member or a sitter to take D8 so I can go out, as I get no free nights alone like I would if there was "normal" visitation in place. It sucks but it's my reality.

So the consensus is to not introduce kids until 6 months into a relationship, and only when you know it's serious. I get that it is to protect the kid from being confused. However it seems to me that if it's moving toward something somewhat serious, wouldn't I want her to meet my D8, and vice versa, sooner than 6 months to see if they get along at all? I'm not saying introduce her as D8's "new mommy" or anything ridiculous like that, but just be able to invite my new gal to dinner with us sometime soon. 

Thoughts? Anyone with a non-standard type of visitation struggle with this too?


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## jr92gp (Feb 28, 2014)

I look at it this way: Would it be fair to my child to introduce them to someone who they may build a strong relationship with? The only way I can possibly say yes to that is if I have no doubt in my mind that I intend to have a life-long commitment with them.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Good Guy, 

I don't have the same arrangement you do. I am a "non custodial" parent. This means I get the kids about 45% of the time. 

That being said, I waited almost 8 months before I introduced my kids to my GF. That was 3 months after I told them I had a GF. 

My goal was to be honest with them from the beginning. She was not "a friend" but a girl friend. I didn't want them to question what I told them before. They are dealing with enough dishonesty from their mom. 

My advice is to tell your D who she is and get her comfortable with the concept. Then, when she's ready, introduce them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It takes about a year of dating to find out if a person is really a good long term relationship candidate. It's way too early to introduce a gf to your child.

Are you wanting to move in with your gf or marry her soon? Is that why you want to rush things?


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

No, not trying to rush anything Ele. Not getting married (as I stated) or moving in together. Just an honest question based on the stuggles of a single dad. I'm not on the edge of a proposal cliff or anything. 

Maybe I'm just moaning a little bit at the situation. I want to get to know her better, but it's hard when you can't spend much time together without spending a ton of money on baby sitters. I can't just dump D8 on my family all the time, nor do I want to. She's part of my life.. kind of a package deal.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Well Goodguy
It really all depends on the maturity of the child as to how they will take it. My kids are exceptional in that aspect so it wasn’t a huge deal for me…and they were the ones who said I should be dating.
Your situation is most likely different. 
Conventional wisdom says you should wait a while, but I’m going to play Devil’s advocate here for a bit.

Consider the reality that you and your child must face in the long term. People will come and go in people’s lives and it may actually be better for children to see and experience that depending on how grounded they are. If your daughter is all rainbows and puppy dogs, this may not be the best thing for her to experience early on. But if she understands the dynamic there might be little or no harm for her to hang out with your GF.
Naturally this is dependent on the child’s level of thinking. Children tend to do much better with separation and loss after age 10 or so because they can use fluid thinking to learn from it. Before then most children can only conceptualize loss as a solid event…which is more difficult to deal with.

A lot of people will most likely jump on me for saying this, but it all depends on the situation and intensity of the relationship. I’m not advocating downright recklessness, but I am saying that the steadfast rules of waiting a year to six months don’t apply to every relationship. It’s your job as a parent to determine which course of action will be best for all involved and that information will vary from situation to situation. When I counseled children I frequently noticed that they were very astute about when their parents were dating. The change is evident and they notice it. A few of the children wondered why they weren’t being introduced to this new person who suddenly came into their parents’ lives and a couple expressed feeling of worthlessness and exclusions because of it.
By the way, nearly ALL of the children knew their parents were dating before they were told. 
Most of them knew within a few weeks.

The situation will be different with every parent and child. 
Like I said before, I’m not advocating recklessness, but I do think that blindly applying restrictions like this may not always serve the best interests of the child in the long run.
It will be different for each child.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Thank you jr92gp, ceegee, Ele, Samurai for your replies and perspectives.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I waited almost a year to introduce, glad I waited, and sometimes I wish even then I'd waited longer.

Mostly because my kids love my GF and always want to hang out with her. If something happened between us it would be more instability for them. I don't want them growing up thinking that anyone they like is always going to get kicked out of their lives.

If you want to see if they get along, you can always take them to a totally neutral place and act as if you just "ran into her" and she tags along. Example, go play at the park, while they are playing, "Oh hey! Good seing you <girlfriend> come meet my kids" then she can stick around and play a while and get a feel for the dynamics.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

OP I am in your shoes with two boys 14 and 9 years old. Mind you there is nothing wrong with my Ex but shame and guilt.. She can make 120k a year being a dental hygienist if she worked a bit harder. She makes at least 47 an hour now..

My mom and Older brother live in the same home ( I have a 3 family with finished basement, they live in the basement ). They help me out tons. Mom is old at 82 years old and my brother is sick with R.A. he used to be a strapping big guy doing construction but now can barely hold a coffee cup without shaking. Together they make up a whole person. 

I think it all depends on your kids.. I don't treat my kids like adults but I don't pull any punches unless I have to with them. 

They understand daddy has to go out and that I am not going to find someone sitting on the couch all day and night.. 

They know I need to learn if this other person is good enough for them and that they are safe to be with. 

They know that this other women is NOT going to be their mom or act or cook or do anything like their mom used to do.

To me I think at least my oldest is very bright for his age. He currently is looking to sell gaming stuff online, EG rare knives in counter strike. These digital knives can sell for upwards of 1k.. At 14 years old he is looking to do this... I was playing online games since I was early 20s and I never looked to this. I even had a friend that I introduced to a game that did this and wanted me to partner with him.. 

I think my youngest at 9 gets most of it. Though even though he is on Xbox all night he still just wants me in the room hanging with him even if I am just sitting on the computer.. 

But I talk to them and straight out ask them, are they okay.. Is dad doing something that might be upsetting them. Do they need anything from me ? If you don't ask, you don't know..

I do spend the nights at the G.F. house, usually 1 day during the week and on Weekends.. She has 2 kids of her own that her mom takes on the weekends most of the time.. Her mom gets it as well and helps her out to give her some free time.. She works hard as well during the week and then comes home at 7PM and still has to cook and do things for her kids.. Her kids are younger at 3 and 12.. The 3 year old is a lot of work because of the age alone.

Again I think it all depends on your kids.. My 9 year old showers by himself, gets his own cereal. If I cut the bread for him he can make his own sandwich, ETC.. 

My 14 year old makes his own mac and cheese on the stove, orders food from outside as needed. Will heat up food as needed and make his own and help his brother make a sandwich as well. Will go out and get food as well if there is no delivery.

Conversely I have a friend with a 16 year old that won't do a dam thing, let alone get his own food. He is very dependant and is coddled a bit too much I think. He went to disney and wanted to stay at the hotel because it was too much walking for him.. Flew on a plane to sit at a hotel pool and the parents are okay with it, so mom stayed with him at the pool. 

So there are many factors that play into this stuff.

Further here is another reality.. A relationship takes EFFORT.. It is very, very easy to just say fvck it my kids need me. You will get some guilty feels about not being home or coming home late.. 

Don't need to tell you going through a divorce makes a bit cynical and short tempered with someone who isn't your wife or the mother of your kids. 

For me I realized, if I don't care if my Ex wife, the mother of my kids falls off the face of this earth or has a tragic accident and dies.. What care do I have for this other person who is breaking my balls ATM.. So I am quick to say Go fvck yourself to this person. I am quick not to cut them any slack either.. I see something that makes me think of my Ex and I quickly judge her a bad person.. 

What I come to discover is with me being out of the home once a week and Friday night and Saturday night.. My sons did very well in school and my oldest graduated JHS with a 94 average.. Mind you my oldest has not seen or spoken to his mother in OVER 1 YEAR...

So if anyone has it rough it is my oldest.. 

Look my first son fell to the floor as a baby and I would run over and make a big deal out of it.. He would scream his head off about his booboo.. 

My second son fell to the floor and I would go over joke he broke the floor.. He would rub his leg and look at the floor to see if he broke it.. No crying, no screaming.. 

Kids are resilient.. You don't need to treat them like adults, but just treat them like they have a brain and teach them common sense.. Teach them about life and reality.. 

I don't tell my kids be careful of the "bad man".. Instead I tell them there are bad people in this world and they can do bad things to kids and they will try to trick you to do things and go places you shouldn't go.. 

There is no 6 month rule.. Just like there isn't a 30 second rule if something falls on the floor. Or waiting 2 days to call someone.. Do what is right for you and what fits your lifestyle..

Yet another example..

I meet my Ex wife.. We date for 5 years.. After 3 year we get engaged.. I put her through 3 years of college 2 years into our relationship.. I take her to school when I can.. I pick her up when I can.. She works 1 day a week in a dental office just to keep the connection.. She studied to be a dental hygienist. I bought her cloths.. I worked 3 jobs to save 25k for our wedding and honeymoon. She wanted to get married while she was in school. I tell her no because it would be too much.. She graduates, we get married.. She starts off at 25 an hour and over the years goes up to 47 an hour. 47 an hour is not bad at all.. I did what I thought was right.. We started our lives with 2 great jobs, myself and her.. We weren't rich, but we were poor either.. We lived in a home worth over a million dollars today and that has 800k in equity. 

We were together 20 years, 14 years married.. She had 4 or 5 affairs or attempted affairs.. 

Conversely..

My friend meets his wife on Match.com.. They date 6 months and they decide they love each other and are going to get married in another 6 months. 2 months later they find out she is pregnant, they get married a month or so later.. Great guy, great couple but they scrape and save any penny they get.. They are somewhat always broke or short money.. There was a time where I would just buy him lunch or lend him money, because he was just that broke.. I never asked for it back.. I believe in good karma.. Not religion, but good karma..

Nonetheless, today they are married longer than me. He retired from my job for a really nice job that pays VERY well, over the 140k mark with a yearly bonus and I hope that soon enough for him to be my boss and work with him.. They have 2 kids BTW now..

So my point.. All my nice planning and great ideas meant sh!t in the end.. 

I could have retired 4 years ago at the age of 43 brought home 5k a month, sold my home for a bit less than todays value and purchase another home someplace else and still have 300k to 400k in the bank all said and done.. Between me and my Ex working part time we could have brought home around 10k a month easy net.. We could have had a 5 bedroom home in North Carolina with a theater room and a cleaning lady coming in twice a week. This doesn't even consider other monies I would be getting.. 

Again really nice plans up until she left me for a man 1 foot shorter than me.. I'm 6'3".. 8 years older than me.. He literally can get a senior citizen discount and request a booster seat at the same time. He has zero future and minimal income.. His retirement is a social security check.. My Ex makes more money than him.

So again I stress my point there are no rules in this life except one.. Be happy.. Be the best man, best father you can be and be happy.. Because when you're happy, your kids are happy and you don't accidentally take things out on them. Because it happens..

You do what is right for you and your kids and not what someone else thinks you should do. If you want to introduce your girl to this woman 2 months from now.. Then do so.. That's what is good for you..

I'm with my G.F. for almost a year now.. We fight, we have issues. I post them up here.. I know I have some personal issues and she has her own.. But at the end of the day we love each other.. We try our best to fix things between us so we can be happy together.. We know we have issues but we really try to fix them to make a better tomorrow.. She met my kids 2 or 3 months into our relationship as did I with her.. 

I personally believe the harder you try to not be together with someone the more strain you put on the relationship.. You want to invite the G.F. out for pizza with you but you have your daughter so you can't because its only been 5 months ? Get the fvck out of here with that nonsense I say.. 

My friend just did this nonsense with his G.F. of 4 years. They just broke up because they both imposed these rules rules on each other on other ways.. It was just too much of a strain on the relationship..


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

COguy said:


> If you want to see if they get along, you can always take them to a totally neutral place and act as if you just "ran into her" and she tags along. Example, go play at the park, while they are playing, "Oh hey! Good seing you <girlfriend> come meet my kids" then she can stick around and play a while and get a feel for the dynamics.


I like this approach. 



Hardtohandle said:


> For me I realized, if I don't care if my Ex wife, the mother of my kids falls off the face of this earth or has a tragic accident and dies..


Brutal, but I can't say I disagree that much.



Hardtohandle said:


> So my point.. All my nice planning and great ideas meant sh!t in the end..


Ain't that the truth!



Hardtohandle said:


> I personally believe the harder you try to not be together with someone the more strain you put on the relationship.. You want to invite the G.F. out for pizza with you but you have your daughter so you can't because its only been 5 months ? Get the fvck out of here with that nonsense I say..


This was basically my point. It's not like tomorrow I wanted to do some formal meet up and say "D8, I'd like you to meet someone who is very very special to me and I hope you like her, please please like her". Good Lord no. It just that if I feel like inviting my gal (I'm not even sure if she's my gf yet, but that's a whole nother topic) out to eat, it shouldn't be a big deal. "Hey, wanna come eat at xyz place tonight? D8 and I will be there at 6, join us if you can". If she can't she can't, D8 and I eat out all the time by ourselves so it wouldn't be a big deal. It just seems silly to get hung up on arbitrary timelines. 

Now, all that said, I am in absolute agreement that I need to carefully assess my daughter's readiness and not act recklessly or flippantly with our feelings and emotions. That I completely agree with.

Thank you all!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Just remember that the majority of success that she will experience with men will come from watching your interactions with them. You are not only being careful with her present self, but also her future self.
The behavior of the opposite sex parent can be the make or break point in any humans life.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

SamuraiJack said:


> Just remember that the majority of success that she will experience with men will come from watching your interactions with them. You are not only being careful with her present self, but also her future self.
> The behavior of the opposite sex parent can be the make or break point in any humans life.


My interactions with men?!? 

Kidding, I think I know what you're getting at.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheGoodGuy said:


> My interactions with *men*?!?
> 
> Kidding, I think I know what you're getting at.


Go back and read that post.. he said "them" not "men"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheGoodGuy said:


> No, not trying to rush anything Ele. Not getting married (as I stated) or moving in together. Just an honest question based on the stuggles of a single dad. I'm not on the edge of a proposal cliff or anything.
> 
> Maybe I'm just moaning a little bit at the situation. I want to get to know her better, but it's hard when you can't spend much time together without spending a ton of money on baby sitters. I can't just dump D8 on my family all the time, nor do I want to. She's part of my life.. kind of a package deal.


Your gf has no children, right?

One of the issues in dating with children is that you never know how your gf will actually treat your children. If you want to see how awful some step parents can be I can give you a link to a step parent forum that is a scary place. 

Just because you and she like each other, fall in love, etc, it does not mean that she will be a good step parent. It also does not mean that your child will even like her.

A lot of kids have a very hard time accepting that their parent is dating. YOu have an even bigger issue because your daughter has already all but lost her mother. You are really all she has. If you bring a gf into the picture your night might very well feel that you are about half out the door too... leading to a lot of hurt feelings and resentment from your daughter towards the gf and anger at you for yet one more disruptive thing in her life. Children are self centered.



.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If you want to see how awful some step parents can be I can give you a link to a step parent forum that is a scary place.


Oh God please don't!!


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Go back and read that post.. he said "them" not "men"


Yes, you are correct. He used the word "them", after referring to her experience with men. 

"Just remember that the majority of success that she will experience with *men* will come from watching your interactions with *them*"

It doesn't matter. I was joking, and I don't want to argue over it.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Your gf has no children, right?


Correct, she has no kids.



EleGirl said:


> If you want to see how awful some step parents can be I can give you a link to a step parent forum that is a scary place.


Sure, please share. This is all a learning experience. I am awake and eyes are open.



EleGirl said:


> Just because you and she like each other, *fall in love*, etc, it does not mean that she will be a good step parent. It also does not mean that your child will even like her.


We're not there yet. And you are right, it doesn't mean they'll like one another at all, or that my girl would be a good step parent. We're not even close to having step parenting talks at this point. I am D8's parent, and that will not change. We're still getting to know each other.



EleGirl said:


> A lot of kids have a very hard time accepting that their parent is dating. YOu have an even bigger issue because your daughter has already all but lost her mother. You are really all she has. If you bring a gf into the picture your night might very well feel that you are about half out the door too... leading to a lot of hurt feelings and resentment from your daughter towards the gf and anger at you for yet one more disruptive thing in her life. Children are self centered.


I hear you. And I promise I'm not being flippant about this. God knows the last thing I want for my daughter is for her to feel more pain and suffering that she had to deal with too early in life. 
Do I want to protect my daughter from all the bad things in life? Abso-freakin-lutely, what parent doesn't (well, aside from D8s mom who abandoned her essentially)? But if I protect and shield and make everything candyland and rainbows, won't she be unprepared when it comes to the real world? She needs to know that not everyone is a good person in life. She needs to learn responsibility and that playing the victim like her mom is not the way to go. There's a balance in there somewhere. I guess there's no definitive "right" way to go about this, and that is the challenge. 

Sorry for the long rambling post. I hope that shows how seriously I take this stuff.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

For me personally I don't have a hard and fast timeline for such things as : when should we be exclusive, when should we have sex, when should we intro the kids. Because in my experience each relationship moves as a different pace organically. 

My kids are very important to me so finding a woman who doesn't care for them wouldn't be someone I would be with long term. No way to know that till you introduce them. In 4 years I have had 3 GF and introduced my kids to all three. First one was very nice to them. Second was self absorbed and kept them at a distance so was a huge red flag. My current Gf who I live with, treats them like they are hers which is what I was looking for all along.

No right or wrong here. Follow your gut and gauge your reaction of the kids.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm one who threw a 6 month time frame out there but that's just my historic preference. I learned a few things along the way. 

It's the careful line with having them get attached and then breaking it off - kids shouldn't think relationships are disposable or be afraid to develop attachments. I think young children are at a higher risk for this. Teens understand dating a bit better. 

I agree that kids need to know you are dating and not just have a female friend. It's a bit misleading and they need to trust you. They also need to get used to the idea. As their primary parent, they will probably tend to be a lot more possessive of you than a typical divorced couple. 

If you want to intermingle time with a date and time with your kids, I suggest a group activity with other couples and kids. Cookouts, picnics, etc. It takes the pressure off the kids and the person meeting the kids.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I am pretty happy with the 6 month timeline. It shakes out the crazies (and at 6 weeks, you just don't know) and prevents a younger child from getting involved with someone who is ultimately inappropriate.

I have 100% custody so understand some of the challenges, though mine are teens.


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