# One foot out the door &#x1f61e;



## solost12

Hello everyone:

I’m a newbie here and really could use some help. Thanks in advance for all who pitch in. 🙂 I’ve been with my husband for going on 12 years. Dated for many years then got married at 7 years. This is my first marriage and his 2nd. He has two daughters (14 & 12) and I have one daughter (25). We have had many issues from his drinking, to temper, to not communicating, to guilty father issues along with a mini wife daughter who competes with me, financial irresponsibility, Cheated in the past, has been physically abusive in the past as well. The physical has stopped but during times of anger he has punched things or thrown things.

Issue one:
Most of our issues have stemmed from him not liking me setting boundaries and having say with discipline regarding his children which they need. Their mom is a mess. Divorced three times and now onto the next relationship. My husband is totally fine with me being a good step mom and doing all of the fun things with them but when it comes time for me to point something out or bring up an issue I’m the mean step mom. I don’t have a say in what goes on in our home without backlash and him getting angry at me and telling me “it’s just you”. Well no I’m sorry but you’re 12 year old still wanting to sleep with you and sit on your lap is an issue and it’s not just me. She’s VERY immature emotionally for her age and he isn’t helping with the constant babying and over coddling. He at first told me that he would sleep with his daughters at 25 if he wanted to once and I was like ok. That’s odd. I’m using this as an example of how he reacts when I bring something up. The sleeping has stopped after much going back and forth and him telling me to shush in my own home cause they’re sleeping. Everyone has to tip toe around them. Every other weekend when their here is hard. They’re good girls. I love them and they need guidance. So I have tried. I raised my daughter alone and we had a very different life growing to then the one try and provide to my step daughters and my daughter isn’t perfect but she’s a really good girl. She’s humble, respectful and appreciates the small things. Unlike his daughters who whine and complain about everything. The 14 year old has full control of him. He doesn’t even try to discipline anymore. He took her cell for inappropriate behavior and she disappeared for months. Didn’t want anything to do with us. He cried and always thinks he’s the worst father. He’s not. He spoils them and tries his best. Drops his plans whenever Their mom or they need or want. Including interfering with plans we have. It’s really out of control. So now their mom is moving them to another state and he’s of course having issues with that which is understandable. She called for his blessing and he e said no so she went and filed the court form anyway saying that he agrees with the move and she did this because she knows he has no back bone when it comes to her and the kids. She cheated and manipulated him their whole marriage and left him for another man. Has never stuck to the court ordered visitation, he has never made her so she doesn’t take him seriously. He cries when he drops them off and turns to beer and then keeps saying how much he misses them already. 

It’s very unhealthy and I have told him he should talk to someone and he won’t. He says he would never do that. He doesn’t think he needs it and I’m the only one with problems. He says he only looks to the future.

Issue 2:
Anger, communication issues, entitlement, not facing reality. We can’t have healthy conversations cause he’s so shut down emotionally. He walks away in anger ever time I want to talk about something. Whether it’s positive or not so good. Our issues are all cause of me. He’s always saying if I wouldn’t bring things up we would be fine. That if I would just change my point of view and stop being so negative we would be fine. I feel like I’m always walking on egg shells and don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. It’s circles. He has even told me while I’ve sat in front of him crying and begging to talk and hear me that where am I gonna get? That I’m wasting my time. He gets upsets and walks away. We’ve NEVER not once had a conversation that has come to a resolution. I’m not over exaggerating either. Never. So our issues are still there. He just flipped out cause I brought up therapy 
He said he’s never going and that I married the wrong person why do I want to bring our issues to a stranger/ That I can go if I want and that he’s always suggesting other ways around it like meditation yoga etc. I said those don’t fix our problems. He said you’re the only one with problems. I don’t have problems. I look to a better future. 
He said I always bring up so much negative and I’m stuck 
That I’m never positive and always have issues with everything. He said in so negative. That he had positive plans for us today but I just screwed it all up and slammed the door. He makes me feel like I’m crazy. I’m trying to save our marriage. I’m not crazy I said our issues are never resolved 
He gets so angry with me and makes me feel like I’m nuts.

Issue 3:
Drinking. He typically drinks almost everyday or every other. Most of the time it’s not just one or two beers. Sometimes it’s two six packs. He has drunk and driven a lot before and I worry so much. His drinking has rubbed off on me and I drink sometimes now a lot during week to deal with it all. I’m allergic to wine and I still drink and am so sick the next day. He has said he would stop but he hasn’t. He has when drunk whisky in the past gotten belligerent over past conversations and things brought up about his kids. He has broken mirrors, pulled me off of a bed onto the floor and picked me back up and threw me on it. Has punched holes in walls. Most of those times I got no apology. If I wouldn’t have did or said what I said it wouldn’t have happened. When we were together after a year, he hit me so hard out of nowhere after a night of drinking. I fell to the ground and y dragged me down the hall by my legs while I was screaming and crying in shock. I had to get my back tooth taken out the next day. He hit me in the face and made my nose bleed. Most of this happened years ago and hasn’t happened in a long time but he still has anger. I don’t know why I walked away a long time ago. Guess I feel like I deserve it? 

So now we’re at the point that his daughters are moving which are a problem for our marriage cause of disagreements and I was thinking wow I finally will have peace and maybe things will get better? But here I am finding myself wanting to leave him. Seems backwards to me. I guess I’m afraid he’s going to spiral in depression, go back to old ways and treat me like a punching bag. 

We have some great times together and he can be the nicest guy. Breakfast in bed. Buys me what I want, is really handsome and funny and smart and I feel like We would be so good if he just met me halfway but he won’t budge. It’s his way or no way. 

I know that I can be a worry wart and negative I was brought up in a very dysfunctional family and he was too but I’m not shut down emotionally like he is. He can be super emotional with other things like his kids to the point of crying but lacks it with me. 

I’m not saying I’m perfect but I’m trying my best to be a good wife and step mom. I’ve done things with his children, have set special traditions things I never did with my daughter when she was that age but I still want to make things special for all of us and it never seems good enough for him the minute that I need to bring up a boundary or something that I think they need help with I’m a bad stepmom. There of been times that I would leave very seldomly for a few hours while the kids were here because I felt like a fourth wheel and he treats me very differently when they are around. The energy is very different. So I remove myself because I don’t want to be around that. And because of the two or three times I’ve done that in the last 12 years I’m “never around”. He has three older sisters and he was very spoiled when he was younger. His older sister has even told me many times that he’s a brat has to have his way and nothings ever good enough. I have major PTSD because of things that of happened in my past and with him the emotional and physical abuse and four miscarriages that I’ve had and sometimes it’s very hard for me when things happen. And I just need to talk and I need support and a lot of times it’s just why are you being so negative why can’t you just MoveOn etc. etc. and it makes me feel like I’m too dramatic or emotional or maybe too needy? Are used to be more of an extrovert and very fun and chatty and outgoing and I’m still very outgoing but have found that I am now more of an introvert and I don’t have much of a voice and situations even at work because I feel afraid that what I’m saying is wrong and that they will view me in a certain way. I feel like this is because he has tried to shut my voice down so many times in the last 12 years.

So here I am again with 1 foot out the door at a time that I thought I would never leave because his children are leaving and I thought maybe it would be an opportunity for us to really work on things and see where the issues really lied but I’m afraid that it’s not going to work he’s going to go back to old ways he’s going to not be very good to me he’s going to go into a depression and a funk and I’m going to be stuck here dealing with more of what I’ve dealt with in the past. Right now I’m feeling afraid, I’m feeling like I just want to be alone I want to work on myself I want to find who I am really supposed to be and just live life happy and with some peace of mind And not constant worry over my head. I am a tractive, I’m a good person and I have a very good heart, I have a very good job I have my life established financially and just maybe feel like it’s time to start over. I am 44 years old And scared to start over because what if I wind up being lonely for a long time or don’t have any wine or what if I make a mistake and would have missed out on things and things to change with him? Then what? But I know that I’m probably not being very rational with that thinking. I recently have gotten on Zoloft and before taking the Zoloft leaving wouldn’t even be a thought in my mind because I wasn’t thinkingBut now that I’m taking medication I am thinking more clearly and this is why I’m at where I’m at. I Went to see two apartments that I like very much and I got approved for and I can move into prior to September 1. I also would feel guilty leaving him here alone knowing that his daughters are moving out of the State and because I know that he can’t afford this house on his own. But I try to get him to move to a smaller place because we don’t need such a big home anymore and that we could work around with the girls visit but he doesn’t want to move he wants to stay here over paying rent when we don’t need all of the space. Another example of it’s all about him. So I know this is extra long and I’m probably all over the place because there is so much that is happened. I haven’t even included everything that is happened. But I really really need some input here. I also am very afraid how he will react if I do leave what if I am a statistic because he can’t handle it all? So I know I’m jumping the gun but I’m also scared. Can any of you please please offer me some advice on if I should stay and try to work it out if I am the issue or if I should pack my bags run and never look back? I appreciate all of your help in advance. Thank you so much for reading all of my craziness.


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## Tilted 1

You have a heavy plate indeed, time to scrape the plate clean and don't worry what will be next on the plate but Don't put too much emphasis on being lonely, you definitely need alone time first. Then once your at peace then look too add to the plate.


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## Adelais

It sounds like you haven't been heard by your husband...for 12 years. You have been discounted, or blamed whenever you tried to speak up. It has taken a toll on you, and you are no longer the person you used to be, but a person who is suffering from repetetive trauma.

Are you seeing a counselor? You need regular validation and reality checks from someone who is NOT your husband.

When you get validation, and learn to keep your head, when he is manipulating or twisting things around, you will have enough and not take it anymore.

Mindfullness, staying in the present, not letting yourself be distracted by his rabbit holes and manipulations will help you keep your grounding and your head. He will hate that you aren't playing along anymore, but the balance will be changed and you will find your peace with or without him.


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## solost12

Thank you! Yes, I have seen two counselors. Both for a short time but both did say my feelings were valid and I could either leave or have him come to therapy but as you read, he refuses. I just feel confused. I know that I can be needy and insecure and wonder if it’s me? That if I didn’t always need to talk about issues if it would be better? Then thinking what if I make a mistake? But then I think what kind of mistake? He shuts me down. Has physically abused me in the past. I know some of our arguments in the past were cause we were both drinking and I would bring up infidelity but I don’t think that warrants physical abuse. But when he drinks now I’m scared. Scared to say anything that would set him off which can be the smallest innocent thing sometimes, worried that he’s going to burn the house down cause he’s cooking while drunk before bed, etc. I’m scared of what will happen once the girls move. Will it be worse or better cause he’s finally humbled? I don’t think so though Cause many things have happened that would humble someone but not for him. He thinks he’s invincible and can’t be touched. He has a warped sense of self. Always says that would never happen. Sometimes I think I’m too much of a pessimist and he’s falsely too optimistic? Again, is it me? What if he winds up with a women who is secure, doesn’t need validation or to talk? Or is that silly? I can move out this weekend if that’s what I decide to do. I know it’s sudden for him but I feel like he also has brought all of this on himself. I will worry that he’ll spiral and will drink more than ever and something bad happen but I can’t control him. I’m very afraid of what I said above but something is telling me to go. I’ve never had this much of an urge or feeling to leave before. Now that his kids are leaving and I feel the need to go. Just feel like there’s something behind it. 

What do you think?


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## She'sStillGotIt

solost12 said:


> My husband is totally fine with me being a good step mom and doing all of the fun things with them but when it comes time for me to point something out or bring up an issue I’m the mean step mom.


LOL...I'm sure he IS 'totally fine' with you doing as much as you can with his kids. How _convenient_ for him that you've been doing his parenting *for* him. 



> He cried and always thinks he’s the worst father.


Well, he's not the best, let's not kid ourselves. His kids are a freakin' nightmare due to ****ty parenting and if I'm being honest, who the hell says nasty stuff like they'd sleep with their daughter even when she's 25 years old if she wanted? Ugh! This creep puts the "fun" in dysFUNction. <we seriously need a puke emoji>

Do you REALLY want to be in the middle of this utter **** show? His kids are a damned science experiment, the constant drama between he and his ex and their court battles is never-ending, he's an alcoholic, he's got anger issues, he treats you like ****, he disrespects you, you spend most of your time pandering to this derelict because you don't want to incite his anger, he's emotionally stunted and incapable of interacting with you on an adult level, he blames you for every single thing that's wrong in his life, he's unwilling to give any type of outside help a try, he's physically abusive and violent at times, and in order to be able to continue DELUDING yourself that this degenerate is worth staying married to, _you've_ begun drinking. 

_*That's*_ where this magical union between you two has gotten you - trying to drink yourself into submission to avoid going insane.

And you're honestly questioning whether you should leave? 



> That I’m never positive and always have issues with everything. He said in so negative. That he had positive plans for us today but I just screwed it all up and slammed the door. He makes me feel like I’m crazy. I’m trying to save our marriage.


Stop with the martyr drama, _"I'm trying to save our marriage."_ That's the co-dependency/battered woman talking. If you had a *healthier* outlook, you would have been GONE years ago and realized there's nothing here to save. Stop with the martyr routine and falling on the sword for him - hair shirts really aren't 'in' anymore.



> He hit me in the face and made my nose bleed. Most of this happened years ago and hasn’t happened in a long time but he still has anger. I don’t know why I walked away a long time ago. Guess I feel like I deserve it?


I've always wondered why women don't leave these ass-holes after they start being abused by them. Again, I can only assume it's a severe case of co-dependency.



> I guess I’m afraid he’s going to spiral in depression, go back to old ways and treat me like a punching bag. We have some great times together and he can be the nicest guy. Breakfast in bed. Buys me what I want, is really handsome and funny and smart and I feel like We would be so good if he just met me halfway but he won’t budge. It’s his way or no way.


You sound like EVERY abused woman before you. You talk about the hell of being banged around and disrespected, made to bleed and treated like garbage, and then you turn around and in complete *delusion*, talk him up like he's Prince Charming just because he occasionally makes breakfast for you, and because YOU think he's handsome and because he sometimes buys you things. Whoopie! That ALMOST makes all the abuse and disrespect worthwhile, doesn't it? 

Come on OP, you should know better than this at your age.



> So here I am again with 1 foot out the door


Means nothing. When it's *both* feet actually walking out the door, _then _you're doing something positive. Until then, it's just more of the same old lip service you've probably been giving yourself for years to make you feel better for choosing to stay with someone like this.



> I also would feel guilty leaving him here alone knowing that his daughters are moving out of the State and because I know that he can’t afford this house on his own. But I try to get him to move to a smaller place because we don’t need such a big home anymore and that we could work around with the girls visit but he doesn’t want to move he wants to stay here over paying rent when we don’t need all of the space.


Honest to God, I was just *waiting* to get to the part where you would start making excuses not to leave because you're worried about your abuser and you didn't disappoint, OP.  In true battered woman fashion, you're all concerned about your abuser not having a place to live that he can afford on his own, and you're all worried that he'd be alone because his kids are moving away. Not your problem.



> I also am very afraid how he will react if I do leave what if I am a statistic because he can’t handle it all? So I know I’m jumping the gun but I’m also scared. Can any of you please please offer me some advice on if I should stay and try to work it out if I am the issue or if I should pack my bags run and never look back?


Why on earth would you even CONSIDER 'staying and working it out' *with someone you're afraid might kill you if you leave?* Are you even *listening *to yourself, OP?



> What if he winds up with a women who is secure, doesn’t need validation or to talk?


First of all, who gives a **** _what_ happens to him???? I sure don't. But wouldn't it be funny if he ended up with a 350 pound behemoth of a woman who throat punches him on a daily basis - purely for sport, of course - and who eats nails for breakfast? Damn, that would be great.

But seriously, even though this is irrelevant to you once you dump him, I really believe there isn't a *decent* woman on this EARTH who is truly intelligent enough, secure enough, and has her act together whose going to give this loser the time of DAY. Just because _you're_ wearing rose-colored glasses and have deluded yourself into thinking he's some kind of prize doesn't make it so. Any intelligent woman is going to see right through this fool and she'll freakin' *RUN *the other way. You don't realize it, but you've spent years deluding yourself and continually lowering the bar - over and over and over and over and over and over - in order to stay with this degenerate. Women in the outside world _haven't_ been deluding themselves over him for years, so they're going to see him for exactly who - and what - he is. No decent woman will stay with him. Like attracts like - he'll just end up with some other hot mess just like himself.

You're an abused woman and you think just like one, OP. Stop wasting your time trying to fix something that *can't* be fixed. Call a battered women's helpline and *educate* yourself. 

Good luck seeking out a better life for yourself.


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## solost12

Thank you for the tough love. I needed to hear it. 

Believe it or not, woman are always wanting him. I see it when we’re out and he’s had emotional or physical with some at work. Maybe its cause they don’t know him yet? So I already know he’ll be dating again right away and I feel like I even know who it will be and she seems to have her stuff together, good family life, extra confident, lots of friends and a social life, where I don’t deal with my family cause or dysfunction, don’t have a social life or many friends and am always home. 

How can how I’ve been be attractive to any man? 

Again, I’m also so scared of starting over now. I’ll be 45 in September. I have needy issues and crave love and attention and feel like it’s so late to start working on myself.

I’ve never been alone for long. Always in long term relationships that were to ass holes except for one and I left him for some ******* to my current *******. 

So I know that I have so much to work on myself. It’s not too late?

What if I lose my job and can’t afford where I’m moving, etc.? 

What if I’ve been too harsh with boundaries for the girls and he knows this and that’s why he’s so upset and defensive? 

What if I’ve been too needy, clingy and demanding? 

He’s seen my emotional breakdowns knows where I’m weak, knows I’m on meds, knows how insecure I am. So yes, I know I look crazy to him. I feel like I’ve acted crazy too. 

Again so many what ifs?

Also, how do you all suggest I tell him? I’m taking everything that I had when I met him and that’s everything here with the exception of a very few things. I won’t leave him without anything though. I can’t do that. I feel bad.

So what should I tell him? I’m moving out next weekend? 




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## bandit.45

Better to be lonely than stay with an abusive spouse.


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## Tilted 1

Solo, do not do this to yourself, and believe that another would not need some interaction. You are a worthy person with the same desire, of being loved and needed. He shows none of this for you. Get your life going in the right direction leave.


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## solost12

Thank you. He’s been super extra nice. Made a huge breakfast for the family. Asked how I want my day to go which he always does. 

My daughter said what if he’s humbled after the girls move? But she also doesn’t know of physical abuse in the past but she does know of the major communication issues. 

So of course, now I’m second guessing and doubting. I know I shouldn’t be. 

How do you all suggest I tell him? 


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## Prodigal

It's self-defeating and very sad to live one's life based on "what if" thinking. Okay, so what if a meteor comes screaming towards earth tomorrow and destroys all life on the planet? 

Why don't you look at this from the perspective of WHAT IS instead? What IS: Your husband is abusive and disrespectful to you. And now he's manipulating you by being nice. How long do you think that will last? He knows you are giving serious thought to leaving. He doesn't want that. So he throws you some crumbs.

Do you tell him your leaving? I wouldn't. I'd wait until he's at work and move out everything that is yours. I wouldn't tell him where I was. I'd have a post office box where I could pick up my mail.

Why do I suggest this course of action? Because I did it myself when I left a husband who sounds a lot like yours. 

Something I'd suggest you seriously consider.


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## solost12

Thank you Prodigal. He gets home an hour before I do everyday. I don’t have much alone time to get this done when he’s not there.

He has an idea of where I applied to move. It’s where we used to live.

With regards to past physical. Is it true that even though it hasn’t happened for a long time is there a chance it will again?

What it he agrees to stop drinking and therapy?

Again, I know I haven’t been an angel either. I can be demanding and high maintenance sometimes.

I’m not trying to make excuses. Just fear kicking in and wondering if we both took active steps in working on ourselves?

Also, I don’t know how I would do this with help from others who work full time. It would have to be on a weekend which he’s always home.


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## solost12

One more thing...I have been a bit controlling too sometimes. I’m a perfectionist and sometimes I require a lot. Don’t like to take no for an answer when I need to talk. 

I also don’t like when his family comes to visit or to visit them anybody out of towns They’re very judgmental and are big drinkers too. His sisters can be kind but then also very unfriendly.

Of course I bring this up and even though he says they’re judgmental too it’s always just me.

Someone they want to visit and things like that I always give them a hard time because I would rather not be around it and I like to keep peace in my home. So things like that I’m not very accommodating or easy to deal with about because it’s always an argument. Just Give me examples of how sometimes I can be difficult also.


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> He gets home an hour before I do everyday. I don’t have much alone time to get this done when he’s not there.


Can you take a vacation day or sick day from work? I hired movers. Those guys had me packed and moved out in six hours flat. It was worth every cent. By the time my ex got home, I'd moved out. 



solost12 said:


> He has an idea of where I applied to move. It’s where we used to live.


Are there other places you could look? I assume there isn't an apartment complex shortage in your town.



solost12 said:


> With regards to past physical. Is it true that even though it hasn’t happened for a long time is there a chance it will again?


You try dealing with him when he's drunk enough and angry enough, then I'd say the chances are good he'd get physical.



solost12 said:


> What it he agrees to stop drinking and therapy?


You know what you get when a drunk jerk stops drinking without working a serious program? A sober jerk. I'm guessing he could be an alcoholic. And if that's the case, stopping drinking isn't something an alcoholic does to save their marriage. They make the decision to save their own lives first. 



solost12 said:


> Again, I know I haven’t been an angel either. I can be demanding and high maintenance sometimes.


Okay, so you own what is yours to own. His being a total douche is not your responsibility. That's his to own. 



solost12 said:


> I’m not trying to make excuses. Just fear kicking in and wondering if we both took active steps in working on ourselves?


If the marriage is worth saving, you can both work on yourselves living in different spaces. And whether you realize it or not, you ARE making excuses. As I often say, when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave.


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## AliceA

It seems like you don't much like who you are when you are with him. Is that what I'm reading?

When he's nasty, you wonder if you deserved it. When he's nice, you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You used to be a happy outgoing person but now struggle to join in socially due to anxiety about saying/doing something wrong.

You feel like you are not allowed to talk about anything that is even slightly negative or anything that will change the status quo. It's like telling someone not to think of a red ball. Did you just think of a red ball? Not being allowed to speak about issues is going to make those issues dominate your thinking.

When he drinks, you fear that it will turn violent or he will cause harm to himself, others, or the house, and he drinks constantly. You have also started drinking now in order to cope.

You fear that when his daughters leave, you will become his punching bag, yet you are ignoring this gut feeling because your mind is telling you that maybe you don't know what you're talking about.

I think your gut is probably right. You have been constantly told to doubt yourself, that you're too negative, too 'this', too 'that'. It must be very confusing. Even when you are told you have every right to feel the way you do, you doubt that person. In your mind you think, "maybe they think that because they haven't seen what I'm *really* like". 

At this point you have to be your own cheerleader. You have to be the one to say, "you deserve better, you can do it, I believe in you".


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## solost12

Prodigal said:


> Can you take a vacation day or sick day from work? I hired movers. Those guys had me packed and moved out in six hours flat. It was worth every cent. By the time my ex got home, I'd moved out.
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> If the marriage is worth saving, you can both work on yourselves living in different spaces. And whether you realize it or not, you ARE making excuses. As I often say, when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave.








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## solost12

Sorry for the last comment! I was trying to respond to your replies to my comments. I’ll learn here soon. Lol 

Prodigal I don’t have much time left. Like two days till January and I’m hoping to save and I think I’m going to need some emotional days. For sure. 

The apartments I’m moving to I’m comfortable at, feel safe with secure entry and is affordable. 

The past physical I feel like I caused when we’re drinking and arguing but he was cheating and we had so many unresolved issues that it would come out of me. There were times I did nothing though. Seems mostly when he has drunk whiskey and he doesn’t drink that anymore.

But yes he can be crabby when he doesn’t have weed.

He has in the past done coke and aderral. The mood swings the day after those were always hard. I gave him ultimatums at that point and he said he would stop but still did. It’s been a while since but still.

Yes he’s not capable of owning up. It has happened a handful of times. He also never apologized. It’s if I wouldn’t have or if I would keep my mouth shut he wouldn’t have to and many times he says I’m a martyr and victim. That I bring these situations on myself so stop playing the victim. 

I don’t think us living apart would ever work. I don’t trust him. I moved out once and he had a women in our home that I moved out of two weeks later. So yah. I don’t expect that will change. 

AliceA YES on everything and thank you!!!! 


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## Prodigal

You'll leave when you want to leave. It may be in a few weeks. It may be in a few months. It may be never.

Sadly, saving your vacation time for "emotional" days will do nothing more than allow you the opportunity to wallow in your own misery. And that's all you're doing right now and will continue to do as long as you remain with this man. I found it helped me a great deal to keep my routine of going to work, going out with friends, and working on myself rather than wasting more time on regrets. But, to each his own.

So he's likely an alkie, he smokes lots of dope, he's cheated on you (and I assume didn't care how you felt about it), and he's hit you. As soon as you are out the door, he'll probably be hooked up with some gal he might already be screwing. The only thing keeping you with this worthless sack of human flesh is you. 

And I can tell you from experience that the ONLY thing I regret is not leaving the two drunk losers I married sooner. Why? Because I'm the poster child for someone who came out the other side against HUGE odds. And I'm loving every single minute of my life today. If I'd known things could be this damn good alone, I would have done it sooner. I held myself back.

Nobody can convince you of anything. Best of luck. I hope in time you see your self-worth and scrape this guy off the bottom of your shoe. Seriously.


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## 3Xnocharm

solost12 said:


> Thank you. He’s been super extra nice. Made a huge breakfast for the family. Asked how I want my day to go which he always does.
> 
> My daughter said what if he’s humbled after the girls move? But she also doesn’t know of physical abuse in the past but she does know of the major communication issues.
> 
> So of course, now I’m second guessing and doubting. I know I shouldn’t be.


Dont second guess or doubt. You know good and well who he really is. 



solost12 said:


> How do you all suggest I tell him?


YOU DONT. You dont tell him a damn thing. You get your plan together and get the hell out. If he comes after you, call the police. File restraining orders. You owe him NOTHING. You have stayed in this WAY too long, and I guarantee you that you will not feel one single second of regret divorcing him. The only regret you will have is that you waited so damn long to do it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk[/QUOTE]


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## solost12

Thanks again. He came home and I said we should talk and he said not a good idea cause I’ve had 5 beers. Can we talk tomorrow? I made him drink water said he had enough. I came upstairs to relax and go down and he went through 4 or my wine coolers. 

I get he’s having a hard time about the girls but there are better and healthier ways to deal with it other than going to the bar, having 5 beers and gambling money you don’t have to lose.

I’m staring at him and I don’t feel love. I feel sorry for him. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. He needs help. 

So again, the guilt kicks in. What kind of wife leaves her husband when he’s down the most and everyone is leaving? What will he do to himself when I’m gone, etc. I know not my problem. Just hard you guys.

Go ahead. I’m needing major tough love right now. 


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## Tilted 1

solost12 said:


> One more thing...I have been a bit controlling too sometimes. I’m a perfectionist and sometimes I require a lot. Don’t like to take no for an answer when I need to talk.
> 
> I also don’t like when his family comes to visit or to visit them anybody out of towns They’re very judgmental and are big drinkers too. His sisters can be kind but then also very unfriendly.
> 
> Of course I bring this up and even though he says they’re judgmental too it’s always just me.
> 
> Someone they want to visit and things like that I always give them a hard time because I would rather not be around it and I like to keep peace in my home. So things like that I’m not very accommodating or easy to deal with about because it’s always an argument. Just Give me examples of how sometimes I can be difficult also.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



This^^^ is all the reason you need to leave and get to know yourself. Take unscheduled time off of work and get it done don't put off any longer. Get some IC and recover. Take that chance at being complete, and sane.


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> So again, the guilt kicks in. What kind of wife leaves her husband when he’s down the most and everyone is leaving? What will he do to himself when I’m gone, etc. I know not my problem. Just hard you guys.
> 
> Go ahead. I’m needing major tough love right now.


Well, to say you're somewhat codependent would be an understatement … Nevertheless, here goes: I left my alcoholic husband in 2009. I'd had enough of the lunacy. Also, after going to lots of Al-Anon meetings, and learning to RESPECT my husband's wish to drink and to only take responsibility for my own choices, I walked.

So, yeah, I'm the kind of wife who leaves a drunk, addict, abuser, whatever, to themselves. They own it, not me. See, you have no real boundaries. You allow your false type of guilt to rule you. I bet he wasn't thinking about what a great wife you are when he was screwing another woman. And he isn't even remorseful. Yet here you are, posting about all the rotten things you've contributed to the marriage. Fine. You've done rotten things. You have issues. You are rabidly codependent (which is why you are hanging on to this loser as if you life depends on it).

Until you are ready and willing to change and remove yourself from this drama-fest, you will remain miserable. Your so-called "husband" isn't making you miserable. I doubt he really gives a crap how you feel, as long as you remain his enabler. 

I don't know what else to say to you. You prefer to complain and do nothing. You prefer to make him the focus of your problems. You prefer to stay for now. Hell, I'd be out the door in a New York minute. My husband never pulled half the crap yours has, and I got disgusted enough to leave.

P.S. - I had no contact at all with my husband the last year of his life. He was found dead in an apartment in Omaha in January 2015. I respected his right to drink himself into the grave. HIS life. HIS choice.


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## solost12

Sorry if I’m complaining. I don’t intend to do that. Just talking my feelings out so I can’t stay strong. 

I know what I have to do. It’s killing me but I know this. 


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## Cynthia

solost12 said:


> Sorry if I’m complaining. I don’t intend to do that. Just talking my feelings out so I can’t stay strong.
> 
> I know what I have to do. It’s killing me but I know this.


If you know what is right, but you don't do it, you are prolonging the issues that come from being where you don't belong. The sooner you do what you believe is right, the sooner things will start to improve. Excuses are like quicksand. They suck you in and keep you stuck.


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## Tilted 1

solost12 said:


> Sorry if I’m complaining. I don’t intend to do that. Just talking my feelings out so I can’t stay strong.
> 
> I know what I have to do. It’s killing me but I know this.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



We are just trying to give you some resolve, with this brokenness you are experiencing. Life soon comes in to the intersection of life's choices. And you know as all of these posters do time to make the hard choice and get some peace.


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## Prodigal

Sorry, but you're not talking about your feelings. You are talking about your feelings in relationship to this dead-beat you're tethered to.

And I can tell you that if you leave him, you'll feel just as miserable. You don't know how you feel about yourself. You don't value yourself. You don't know how to live an authentic life without this bum shackled to your emotions.

Challenge: Post how you feel about yourself as if he didn't exist. Talk about you want out of life. Talk about what you think makes you significant.

Go ahead. I dare you.


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## BluesPower

solost12 said:


> Thanks again. He came home and I said we should talk and he said not a good idea cause I’ve had 5 beers. Can we talk tomorrow? I made him drink water said he had enough. I came upstairs to relax and go down and he went through 4 or my wine coolers.
> 
> I get he’s having a hard time about the girls but there are better and healthier ways to deal with it other than going to the bar, having 5 beers and gambling money you don’t have to lose.
> 
> I’m staring at him and I don’t feel love. I feel sorry for him. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. He needs help.
> 
> So again, the guilt kicks in. What kind of wife leaves her husband when he’s down the most and everyone is leaving? What will he do to himself when I’m gone, etc. I know not my problem. Just hard you guys.
> 
> Go ahead. I’m needing major tough love right now.


OK, here is your tough love... You are being stupid. This guy is abusive, a drunk apparently, and has a host of other issues.

If you think you can fix him you are stupid. I have lived this kind of thing... YOU CANNOT FIX OTHER PEOPLE... Not now not ever. 

It is past time for you to put your big girl panties on and move on and start a new life...


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## solost12

I do feel stupid, believe me. I know that I can't fix him. It's been made very clear. I'm just sad. I'm so sad. My hands are trembling as I type this because I love him so much. Everything about him other than those things has been the perfect match for me. I'm afraid I won't find anyone that has the qualities he has that I like..not the bad. I'm really scared to do all of this. Just so many fears and my heart is hurting in the worst way. I feel like I failed myself and my daughter.


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## 3Xnocharm

I know its scary, but you are NOT a failure! Removing yourself and your daughter from a toxic situation is a WIN, not a fail. A fail would be continuing as you have been, there is nothing to be gained there.


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## BluesPower

solost12 said:


> I do feel stupid, believe me. I know that I can't fix him. It's been made very clear. I'm just sad. I'm so sad. My hands are trembling as I type this because I love him so much. Everything about him other than those things has been the perfect match for me. I'm afraid I won't find anyone that has the qualities he has that I like..not the bad. I'm really scared to do all of this. Just so many fears and my heart is hurting in the worst way. I feel like I failed myself and my daughter.


Look I am not trying to hurt your feelings, in any way. 

Here is the deal, Do you think you are the only person, even here on TAM, that has been stupid. 

The stuff I put up with, I think, makes me one of the most stupid people on this board. 

And, I know this stuff hurts, all you really want is for them to change and love you and see that you love them. However, I don't think it works that way in real life very often. It did not for me...


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## Openminded

Love is no guarantee that a relationship will work. And abusers are very good at getting people to fall in love with -- and stay with -- them. 

As long as you continue looking for excuses to stay, you will.


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## solost12

Hi everyone. So I just had a talk with him. I told him I’m considering moving out because I need peace in my life. And he’s never really been alone and neither have I and that maybe it’s time. I said I know I’m no walk in the park and can be demanding and I know what I need from you too and we just can’t get it it right. He said what would you have living alone that you can’t have here? I said lots of things. No worries about the relationship, I could just do what I want to do. He told me I really have no restrictions here and that’s not true. I can’t leave the house when the girls are here without including them or make plans for myself or my daughter cause then “I’m never here”. I can’t have a pet cause I’m afraid he’ll hurt it even though he says I can and he wouldn’t. He said the only thing that would be different is that you’d have peace of mind and would only have to work and then come home and clean up cat poop. 

He said I just want to talk all the time. Bring up things from the past. I said how can I not bring them up if they’ve never been resolved? I bring them up as examples so you can see the pattern cause you clearly forget and I said I’m traumatized by a lot that has happened and I’m still here despite of it. He said that he’s endured my constant badgering and need for reassurance and to talk and he’s still here. I’m sorry but am I bad person for wanting resolution? He said are you still traumatized today? I said yes from time to time because you always shut my voice down and make me feel like I’m needing too much or doing or saying something wrong. That’s traumatic especially after so many years. I said not once have you validated how I felt. Not once. He said you need validation? He said go. If you’re traumatized still just go. There’s your validation and walked away. I said I hope you can afford this place on your own cause it’s gonna be faster than you think. He said I know you’ve been looking and I said yep. And he walked away.

So yah. I shouldn’t have said anything. Feeling like it’s me for always needing to talk or a resolution or always bringing up the past and not letting things go. 


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## 3Xnocharm

This is exactly WHY I advised to NOT SAY ANYTHING. All it does is cause angst and it tips him off, giving him ammo to launch against you. You did show courage by speaking up though, I will give credit there. You know the reality of your situation, he can spin things however he wants to to make himself feel better or look like the "good" guy. You know better, thats what matters, so you can just not argue any more. 

So from here on do NOT discuss any of your plans with him.


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## solost12

Hi everyone - I hope that you’re all doing well! So today is the day that I’m supposed to go and sign my new lease. I’m super nervous and scared. Still questioning if I’m doing the right thing because I’ve been watching YouTube videos on abusive relationships, etc. and I’ve come to the realization that I can be really controlling and I have been emotionally abusive at times. When I say controlling, it’s in regards to him getting his daughters on his “off” weekends because they’re OUR off weekends. Or when his family wants to visit because I really don’t like them all that much and just prefer to not have them there. When he’s super close to them and grew up in a very tight knit family environment. So I’ve always given him a hard time about that. So I’m sure he feels resentful because he probably thinks I don’t love them. 

When I say emotionally abusive I mean by giving the constant guilt trips when he does have to get them on an off weekend. I have shown no respect by whining and sending a gazillion texts of how he’s mistreating me, putting his ex first over my needs, etc. and it turns into a huge argument instead of me just respecting that he’s trying to be a good dad and just spend time with them as much as he can. I should respect that, however, I have put time with my daughter to the side many times in fear of him getting upset and saying that I have to spend time with the girls or that I’m never around. So now that I think about it more. Anyway, I have been emotionally abusive with the guilt trips and “you never this” and “you never that”.

Like my last post here where he said “just go” it was after a calm conversation of me asking him if he has ever wanted to live alone because he never really has. He separated from his wife, him and I got together very fast and things happened super quick. Same for me, I’ve always been in long term relationships and have never really been single all that long or lived alone all that long. I told him that we both have issues that we need to work on and I can’t expect him to change just like he can’t expect me to change. We can only do so much and that maybe we’re just not meant to be partners. That we both deserve happiness and if that’s what it takes. I told him I just want peace. Nothing over my head and I don’t have peace now with how things have been. He said I understand and I can say the same thing. That I want peace from so many conversations and so many texts over things that aren’t really necessary. He said we can find peace here together. He said that I’m not restricted. That I can workout, go out, do whatever. He said living alone will just be me and a cat and me cleaning up his poop and that’ll be peaceful. Then I said if we could just get it right. I said I’m traumatized by being shut down so many times and he said I was shut down because of the repetitive talks. Then he asked me if I’m still traumatized today and I said yes. That when he shuts me down I do. That’s when he said ok so you need validation? Just move. There’s your validation so you’re not traumatized anymore. That’s when I said well I hope you can afford this place cause it’s gonna happen sooner than you think. He said I know you’ve been looking and I said yep. He closed door and walked away.

He does on a daily basis ask me how I want my evening to go or if I want to workout with him, do yoga, meditate, watch a youtube video on marriage and making it work, etc. 

During the times that he HAS talked sometimes the answers aren’t good enough for me and I keep pushing.

SO I’m not making excuses to not leave. I’m just coming to the realization where I’m wrong and what I need to work on.

Just hoping to hear from you all one last time before I jump and make a big decision. Maybe my fear is kicking in and I’m looking for excuses not to leave. :crying:


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## StillSearching

“To stand up straight with your shoulders back is to accept the terrible responsibility of life, with eyes wide open. It means deciding to voluntarily transform the chaos of potential into the realities of habitable order. It means adopting the burden of self-conscious vulnerability, and accepting the end of the unconscious paradise of childhood, where finitude and mortality are only dimly comprehended. It means willingly undertaking the sacrifices necessary to generate a productive and meaningful reality (it means acting to please God, in the ancient language).” 
― Jordan B. Peterson, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos

Change is always difficult in one way or another.
Here's the benefit. It actually awakens and changes our DNA.
Your future is more orderly and less chaotic. 
It's not about strong or weak....It's about right and wrong. 
You must go.
Face the fear...you'll see it's not nearly as large as your imagination is trying to make you believe.


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## 3Xnocharm

Yes, you ARE making excuses, grasping at straws, looking to avoid making a scary change. Keep in mind that this scary change is POSITIVE. It is the healthy choice for you to make, to get away from toxicity and abuse. The things you are looking at about yourself are not that bad... emotionally abusive guilt trips?? Um, no, sorry. But any realizations you come to regarding your own behavior is opportunity to grow, not excuses to keep yourself in abuse because you are afraid of change. You have NOT abused him, so get away from that thought process. You havent done anything that the rest of us havent at some point. If you dont take this step for yourself, then nothing will change and you remain stuck. We are here to support you. 

If you change nothing, nothing changes.


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## 3Xnocharm

solost12 said:


> Like my last post here where he said “just go” it was after a calm conversation of me asking him if he has ever wanted to live alone because he never really has. He separated from his wife, him and I got together very fast and things happened super quick. Same for me, I’ve always been in long term relationships and have never really been single all that long or lived alone all that long. I told him that we both have issues that we need to work on and I can’t expect him to change just like he can’t expect me to change. We can only do so much and that maybe we’re just not meant to be partners. That we both deserve happiness and if that’s what it takes. I told him I just want peace. Nothing over my head and I don’t have peace now with how things have been. He said I understand and I can say the same thing. That I want peace from so many conversations and so many texts over things that aren’t really necessary. He said we can find peace here together. He said that I’m not restricted. That I can workout, go out, do whatever. He said living alone will just be me and a cat and me cleaning up his poop and that’ll be peaceful. Then I said if we could just get it right. I said I’m traumatized by being shut down so many times and he said I was shut down because of the repetitive talks. Then he asked me if I’m still traumatized today and I said yes. That when he shuts me down I do. That’s when he said ok so you need validation? Just move. There’s your validation so you’re not traumatized anymore. That’s when I said well I hope you can afford this place cause it’s gonna happen sooner than you think. He said I know you’ve been looking and I said yep. He closed door and walked away.


This entire conversation was him trying to manipulate you. Stop believing the crap that comes out of his mouth. 




solost12 said:


> During the times that he HAS talked sometimes the answers aren’t good enough for me and I keep pushing.


This is also manipulation, this is him being passive aggressive and blameshifting.


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## Trying To Understand

Speaking as a man, your husband's behavior is horrific. I just read all of your posts. I applaud you for wanting to leave. I truly hope you do. So many women (and men) don't leave these kind of relationships until they're 55 or 65 or never. You're only 44.

I see you trying to find reasons to stay. I understand, the thought of leaving hurts so much. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. You're married to a deeply dysfunctional, emotionally and physically abusive man (I don't care if he hasn't done it in a few years, he's still capable. I've never been remotely close to hitting my wife, even during our worst times when I've been at my most angry).

You keep mentioning how he'd have another woman right away if you left. Let her have him. Attractive, destructive men like him have a very easy time finding broken women, and he would move on easily because HE DOESN'T REALLY LOVE YOU. And you're worthy of love. 

He uses people for emotional gain, like his daughters. He has sacrificed their emotional and social development for his own emotional gain. He's done what he can to keep them dependent on him, under the guise of being a good father. He may even truly believe that about himself, but abusive people usually believe their own bull****. 

And he's doing what he can to keep you doubting and dependant on him.

I'm 32 myself. I can imagine it would be extra scary to think about starting over at 44.

But you're still young and have so much life ahead of you. You're worth so much more. Even just posting here shows you have enough awareness and heart to want a better life. Please don't spend anymore time with this profoundly undeveloped and selfish man. 

I find it interesting that he does yoga and meditates and yet drinks himself into a stupor on a regular basis. It's clear that all of those behaviors, including the meditation, are being used as numbing agents and escape routes. 

No one can make a real life with this man. It's an utter waste of time, and you only have so much time on this earth. Don't spend it with someone you're afraid will hit you, or hurt your pet! Do you truly, deeply, fully realize how that sounds? He is insane.


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## Openminded

If you look for excuses you'll always find them. I hope for your sake that you don't.


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## solost12

Hello everyone:

I haven’t been on as I found out my father passed unexpectedly on Thursday. He just turned 63 the beginning of August and we don’t know cause of death yet. I’ve been busy making funeral arrangements and was supposed to go and sign my lease today as they gave me an extension but I emailed today and said that I couldn’t come. With so much going on, I’m spinning in circles. 

Now I’m having a major panic attack and feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown because the apartment told me that they had to release the hold on the apartment. Now what? I just emailed them and asked if I could have till next week. I don’t want to lose it.

I don’t know what I’m thinking but all of my emotions are magnified 10,000. 

He’s been extra nice. Talking more patiently. Very supportive. Hasn’t been drinking cause I told him no more and has been really taking care of things around here (cooking, cleaning, etc) which he always has helped with. 

So I feel like I don’t know what to do. There is so much going on I don’t even know how to handle it all or what to do next.


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## solost12

Trying To Understand your post made me cry. Thank you. It’s so hard to hear that he’ll move on fast cause he doesn’t love me. I don’t get why he wouldn’t. Makes me feel even more scared that I’ll never meet anyone. 


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## 3Xnocharm

Worrying about meeting someone should be dead last on your list of stuff to worry about. He is only playing nice to manipulate you. Clearly it always works, because here you are waffling as usual. Nothing is going to change so stop telling yourself it would. 

I am so sorry about the loss of your father. The loss of a parent is profound and I hope you have good family support. 



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## lucy999

I'm really sorry about your dad. How awful for you and your family.

Go sign that lease. TODAY. 

Listen, of course your husband is being great right now. He knows you're about to walk. But the thing is, he'll revert back to his ****ty behavior once you've decided not to leave. You know in your gut this is true, don't you? If it's so easy for him to act great now, why wouldn't he do it before? Because he didn't have reason until now. You threatened to leave him. But he's not capable of sustaining appropriate behavior. It's all an act.

Your husband is an addict in more ways than one. He likes his drink and his rage-fests. It doesn't matter that he hasn't physically abused you for awhile, the propensity is there. It WILL happen again. And while he's not being physically abusive, boy howdy is he ever being verbally and emotionally abusive. 

Sure, you're not perfect either. No one is. But to compare your behavior to his is comparing apples to oranges and is doing you a huge disservice.

I know you love him so much. Guess what? I love doritos SO MUCH. Doesn't mean they are good for me. So I stay away. I realize that sentiment is simplistic but the take away is the same.

He's got waaaaay too much baggage for your pay grade. He's an abusive alcoholic. Oh! I almost forgot about the cheating. 

Girl, you can do so much better. 44 is young. I left an abusive rage addicted man after 12 years at around your age. I am 51 now and married a wonderful non abusive, non addicted man.

Do me a favor. Go back and read your first post to us. That's the truth right there. 

GO SIGN THAT LEASE TODAY! Don't let it get away.


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## lifeistooshort

OP.....stop making excuses and sign the damn lease.

I've been where you are, in fact not long ago. 

I left my ex last year. I could tell you lots of stories about him throwing me under the bus to placate his ex wife and snotty daughter (who fyi is grown with children). He'd even resorted to lying to cover her bad behavior rather than deal with it.

He lied about other things too, but I don't want to steal your thread. I finally came to the realization that we weren't compatible, and nothing can change that.

I too kept bringing things up because they were never resolved....my ex was so terrified of conflict that avoiding discomfort was far more important then addressing things that bothered his wife. Then I was accused of wanting to be miserable....because otherwise I'd paint a phony smile and pretend everything was great. That's what he does.

When I told him we were over he begged and went on his best behavior.

Any of this sound familiar?

It was an act. People show you who they are when they either think you're not looking or there are no consequences.

Stop wasting your time. We are basically the same age (I'm 45 but left at 44) and it was the best thing I ever did. My life is great now and includes a great guy. And if it didn't I'd be alone and in peace. Besides....there are always good available men if you have things to offer and are in a good state of mind. Refusing to leave a jerk because you might not find someone else is not a good state of mind.

Sign the lease and leave.

I'm truly sorry about your father. I lost mine 7 years ago at age 67 and still think about him all the time. But it should remind you that life is short and we need to think carefully about how we want to spend the years we have.


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## Hoosier

lifeistooshort said:


> OP.....stop making excuses and sign the damn lease.
> 
> I've been where you are, in fact not long ago.
> 
> I left my ex last year. I could tell you lots of stories about him throwing me under the bus to placate his ex wife and snotty daughter (who fyi is grown with children). He'd even resorted to lying to cover her bad behavior rather than deal with it.
> 
> He lied about other things too, but I don't want to steal your thread. I finally came to the realization that we weren't compatible, and nothing can change that.
> 
> I too kept bringing things up because they were never resolved....my ex was so terrified of conflict that avoiding discomfort was far more important then addressing things that bothered his wife. Then I was accused of wanting to be miserable....because otherwise I'd paint a phony smile and pretend everything was great. That's what he does.
> 
> When I told him we were over he begged and went on his best behavior.
> 
> Any of this sound familiar?
> 
> It was an act. People show you who they are when they either think you're not looking or there are no consequences.
> 
> Stop wasting your time. We are basically the same age (I'm 45 but left at 44) and it was the best thing I ever did. My life is great now and includes a great guy. And if it didn't I'd be alone and in peace. Besides....there are always good available men if you have things to offer and are in a good state of mind. Refusing to leave a jerk because you might not find someone else is not a good state of mind.
> 
> Sign the lease and leave.
> 
> I'm truly sorry about your father. I lost mine 7 years ago at age 67 and still think about him all the time. But it should remind you that life is short and we need to think carefully about how we want to spend the years we have.


Awesome post! I agree! As for moving out. Nothing is permanent, if he is really changed, and you like the changes, you can always get back together. (Miracles do happen) What you need is distance, so you can really see whats going on. So go ahead and sign the lease, if its the worse decision you ever make it is easily corrected.

So sorry about your dad. I lost mine at 49. Miss him everyday. So sorry.


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## alte Dame

It is so hard to lose a parent. It is especially hard if the loss is sudden and unexpected. I am sorry for your loss.

I think you can put your plans on hold to deal with your father's death or go ahead. Either way, you should get both feet out the door.

You've been sugar-coating your WH's behavior for so long that you don't even realize that you have Stockholm syndrome. From what you've told us, he:

- is an alcoholic
- gambles
- has done coke
- has abused adderal
- has cheated on you
- has been physically abusive.

You also are afraid he will hurt a pet. (!)

For me, the only way you could not have both feet out the door would be that you have some form of learned helplessness or Stockholm syndrome. Either that or you really have your emotional scales out of balance and are unable to see what everyone else very clearly can see. Given the list of abusive, disrespectful behaviors, you still say:



solost12 said:


> Everything about him other than those things has been the perfect match for me.


You berate yourself with false equivalency, saying that you must be emotionally abusive yourself because of how you feel about things like OFF weekends.

Scales out of balance.

You make excuses for the big things and equate them with little things, always giving yourself a reason not to leave. This is like reproaching yourself on the Titanic for not getting the tea service right while the ship is going down.

I hope you close your eyes, hold your breath, and jump.

Get away from him. Get some counseling. Grieve and heal in peace.


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## Openminded

I'm very sorry about your dad. If you really want that particular apartment, and you're not out of town now, then hopefully you can go sign the lease. Your husband will do all he can to keep you there. Don't let that happen.


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## AliceA

solost12 said:


> Hello everyone:
> 
> I haven’t been on as I found out my father passed unexpectedly on Thursday. He just turned 63 the beginning of August and we don’t know cause of death yet. I’ve been busy making funeral arrangements and was supposed to go and sign my lease today as they gave me an extension but I emailed today and said that I couldn’t come. With so much going on, I’m spinning in circles.
> 
> Now I’m having a major panic attack and feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown because the apartment told me that they had to release the hold on the apartment. Now what? I just emailed them and asked if I could have till next week. I don’t want to lose it.
> 
> I don’t know what I’m thinking but all of my emotions are magnified 10,000.
> 
> He’s been extra nice. Talking more patiently. Very supportive. Hasn’t been drinking cause I told him no more and has been really taking care of things around here (cooking, cleaning, etc) which he always has helped with.
> 
> So I feel like I don’t know what to do. There is so much going on I don’t even know how to handle it all or what to do next.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Very sorry to hear your Dad passed away. It must be a very hard time for you right now. It sounds like you are doubting yourself.

How many times have you asked him to stop drinking and he ignored you?

How often is he "extra nice" and "very supportive"?

You talk about being scared of not being able to find someone else like this, that he's great for you EXCEPT for ALL this other stuff that sounds absolutely horrible! You are looking at him as if there are parts of him you can just focus on and ignore all the rest. He is one complete package, you can't separate the wheat from the chaff in a person. You have to accept all of it, or none of it. 

The fact that you are so scared to leave because you don't want to be alone is exactly why you have to leave. Being dependent on someone in that way is not healthy. You are worried you've failed your daughter. I think showing her a strong and independent mother who can walk away from a bad relationship and find happiness in life is the best example you can give her right now.

You talk about how clingy and needy you are in this relationship as if that should excuse him from his own bad behaviour. Have you considered that maybe you're so bad in this relationship because this relationship is bad? Are you ever going to be able to grow into the confident, calm, life-loving person you want to be while with him? I get the feeling that you'll never be happy with who you are when you're with him.

Just a note that I've been on my own for about one and a half years now and I love my life. I don't expect everyone to have to do that, it's up to the individual, but I get my kids half the week and when they're with me I focus on them. When they aren't I focus on achieving my goals. It's not easy at the start, and my ex found someone before he broke it off with me for that very reason. It's not easy to be alone and it's terrifying for many people. Once you come to the point where you love coming home to your own space, where you love the people in your life, where you appreciate all you have and the goals you are working towards and where you are excited for your future, you realise *this* is the point where you can go into a relationship and it be something that adds to your life rather than just helps you exist. BUT, if you don't find anyone, that's fine too.


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## Adelais

@Soloist12 How are you doing? Losing a beloved parent is really hard. Combine that with your other troubles, and you are bound to be discombobulated for a short while. 

When I was reading your post about how guilty you would feel if you left your husband when other people were leaving and his life was going badly, all I wanted to do was assure you that you aren't responsible for the outcome of his bad choices. You shouldn't try to lessen the consequences of his actions by staying with him. If he were to ever grow, stop drinking, face himself, change, it would be because he has fully realized that his life sucks because of choices he made and things he did of his own free will.

You will be doing him a favor by leaving him by allowing him to live the consequences of his behavior.

Another thing: don't fret or feel diminished when he has another woman living with him within a short time of your moving out. Pity her. Only a stupid woman moves in with a drunk, drug using abuser after his own wife moved out. She will not be "better" than you, or "loved more" than you. You are better, for taking care of yourself and getting the 160 lb sack of poison. He didn't treat you like he loved you on a consistent basis during all the years you were married to him. He will not love or treat the new woman any better than he treated you. You will be missing out on NOTHING.


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## solost12

Hi everyone:

Thanks for all of the love and support. It means so much. I’ve been MIA because we laid my father to rest on Saturday. On top of coming down with a horrible sinus infection. 

Of course my husband was with me because no one knows what is going on. Of course he was extra amazing and of course I’m falling for it because I’m weak. The hopes of change are flaring up again. Or at least feeling weak. There’s just so much going on.

He’s back to old ways it seems today. Again because he’s been so nice I’m questioning. Today when I got home, I had a moment. An insecure moment. I told him we’re gonna get tired of each other and he said no we’re not. I said no you’re probably going to get sick of me and he told me that I didn’t need to say that. Said why do I have to be so negative? I said I’m having a moment. I’m sorry. There’s so much going on I can’t think straight. He said tell me what you want to do. I said I want reassurance. I said why can’t you give it without telling me I’m negative? He said again what do you want to do as he’s rubbing his head like he’s frustrated. He said I’m showing you it’s gonna be fine I’m being emphatic. I said how is that giving me reassurance? That’s not talking. Then he got up and walked away and was like is this what you want? I said no, this is the **** I told you I’m gonna leave you over. 

Then I got emotional cause I feel like he just showed that it’s not gonna change. I started crying. Told him I don’t feel comfortable or confident that he can change. He tried to gaslight me and said I told you nothing to worry about but he didn’t. Then he yelled what the **** do you want me to do? I said show some compassion for your wife who clearly is afraid of the future with you. He turned the tv up so he couldn’t hear me.

So hear I am. I get that I’m probably being needy and inesecure but there are reasons and he knows this. He can’t even talk calmly and give reassurance after all that I went through and am going through. Without gaslighting and making me feel like I did something wrong. 

His kids were here this past weekend and of course the 12 year old is extra needy and clingy and has to be all over him. All so inappropriate and annoying and of course he doesn’t let her know that which he said he would before but now he really won’t cause he only has a week left with them. So my thought is can you imagine how bad it’s gonna be when he sees them less? It’s gonna be guilty father and mini wife overload. That sounds like pure hell to me.

I just found out his ex fling that he cheated on me with has newly divorced her 2nd husband after one year and she’s always been obsessed with him. She’s the one who has good family life, is pretty and seems to have it together. My mind goes straight to once his kids are gone he’s going to go back to old ways and they’re gonna wind up together and I’ll be devastated.

So here I am confused and super scared. Don’t know what lm doing and why or why. I was feeling stronger and now feeling weak and scared.

I know that I just rambled and hopefully I don’t sound too crazy.

Looking forward to some more strength and support here.

Thanks in advance!! 


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## 3Xnocharm

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Your expectations to have a comforting empathetic husband after losing your father are completely normal, however you are not married to a normal man unfortunately. He keeps showing you who he is. That other person who was pretending to be supportive is not who he really is. Believe him.


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## Marduk

You’re in a liminal state, one foot in and one foot out.

You need to decide what you are going to do. Either you’re in this marriage, or you’re not. Stop waffling, it’s killing you and enraging him.

Everything you do from that point on has a path to walk. But you need to decide - in or out?


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## lifeistooshort

My ex did the same thing.....closed the door in my face when I needed empathy and compassion from him.

You're wasting years of your life with this guy. But I get it....being ready to go is a process and you aren't there yet. It took me some time too, but now all I can think of is how I should've dumped him sooner.

But you have to process this at your own pace.


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## Openminded

Only you know if you really want to leave. 

Excuses to stay will always be there.


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## AliceA

He was being "extra amazing" but you doubted his sincerity (which is fair enough because you know he hasn't changed, he's just scared you'll leave). You've been through a lot lately and you're feeling insecure, and that's understandable. If you are staying though, I feel like you might need to realise some things. He might be able to be nice when he puts his mind to it, but if you question his sincerity and/or the value of the relationship after he's been putting in extra effort, you are going to piss him off. It's not going to make him feel loving and tender and want to reassure you. I honestly doubt he even understands what you were expecting. I get it, many people here get it, but I also get why he didn't have a clue in that moment and so switched off.

If you want him to hold you and comfort you, don't attack him or your relationship to get him to do it (this reminds me of when my son would angrily push me away when he actually desperately wanted to be comforted, which as a mother I instinctively knew, but this man is not instinctively going to get this). You have to start holding yourself accountable here. If you're choosing to stay, then you have to take responsibility for communicating in a better way.


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## solost12

Hi everyone:

I know it’s been a while. SO much has gone on the last few weeks with Dad’s funeral arrangements, laying him to rest, then his daughters left last Wednesday and I’m just getting over a terrible flu/cold that knocked me out for two weeks. 

So yes, I haven’t moved out. I don’t know why. 

He’s been saying for quite some time now that his company may be going on strike and if that’s the case, that he’ll be down to $250 per week and will have to find a second job to make ends meet.

I told him that because of this, this is why we should move to a smaller place that costs less in rent. His daughters are no longer here and we won’t get them often and now it’s just him and I. We don’t need all of the space that we have and especially at the price we’re paying. He says he doesn’t want to move. Are you all surprised? It’s always all about him and what he wants. I’ve been wanting to move from this house for two years but each time have stayed because HE wants to stay KNOWING that it’s smarter to live somewhere cheaper. Last year we stayed because he said he didn’t his daughters to have to move again so we stayed and guess what? They moved 3 more times before our lease was up. So here I am constantly working my life around him, his kids and his ex when they’re all over the place.

Also, I just found out that his “ex” that I found in our home years ago when I moved out is working less then two blocks away from us. There was a few times this past year that he had the day off and got unusually dressed up to run errands. I always thought it was odd. Now I found out that she’s working up the street and it makes me wonder. I told him I was insecure about it and he went off the deep edge saying that I was accusing him and saying he was guilty. I said I didn’t say that just said I’m feeling anxious since finding out she works there since he cheated on me with her in the past. So now I’m feeling more irrational then EVER thinking if and when I move, he’s going to be right with her in the house that we used to live in. She’s going to get the man that I love (the good). I know it’s no reason to stay but I would be lying if I didn’t say it’s keeping me there also. Irrational, I know.

The girls are gone now so he of course has drank a few times to oblivion which I don’t like. He scares me when he’s super drunk because 1st of all he drives that way and then 2nd of all he’s had crazy anger outburst for the smallest things when under the influence (not always but sometimes) which includes breaking and throwing things and on valentines day 2017 we stayed at a hotel and he got into a drunken rage for nothing (I was sober) and dragged me off the bed and threw me on the floor then picked me up and put me back on then left. This was over nothing. Something in his drunk mind set him off.

Again, this hasn’t happened since then but now that the girls are gone and now the possibility of work hours being cut, less money, etc. I’m even more afraid to leave but I’m really afraid to stay. Because what if something bad happens to me? I also feel bad for leaving him with nothing should I go. I just need some help here again. Because I’ve been having major anxiety about everything.




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## alte Dame

You definitely need major help, but I believe it should come from within you at this point. We have all encouraged you to do the right thing for yourself. Because your heart is stuck, you make excuse after excuse. I remember well feeling this way in my life. I asked myself where I saw myself in five years and it wasn't with the man who cheated, lied, and held me in contempt. I left and didn't look back.

At one point when I was worried about infidelity in my marriage, I found myself in MC with my husband, who told the counselor that I had suddenly become jealous. I calmly corrected him by listing all the fishy behaviors on H's part and saying I was suspicious, not jealous. I wanted to know the truth so that I could make decisions for my own life.

You've put yourself in a position of less power by insisting that you are insecure and anxious.

Try to reframe what you are feeling as rightfully suspicious and unsure that you want to stay in the marriage. These are more powerful, self-affirming descriptors and states of mind.

You annoy him with your suspicions. He knows you won't leave and you just keep irritating him. That's the mindset that he has. So, stop acting anxious and insecure in front of him. Read the 180 and implement it. It will both help you detach and rebalance your power dynamic.


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## lucy999

solost12 said:


> . . . .
> 
> the possibility of work hours being cut, less money, etc. I’m even more afraid to leave but I’m really afraid to stay. Because what if something bad happens to me? I also feel bad for leaving him with nothing should I go. I just need some help here again. Because I’ve been having major anxiety about everything.


Why are you even more afraid to leave should your H's hours get cut? Seems like it's the perfect time for you to leave. What do you mean, what if something bad happens to you? Do you mean if you stay? Odds are something bad WILL happen to you, given his past history with physical violence against you. He'll have more time on his hands to drink and perhaps sniff around his ex's workplace. There'll be more angst about money. Trust me, there'll be violence. Abusers don't change that easily. And I don't want that for you or your daughter.

Your H is a full grown adult. I get that you would feel bad leaving him with nothing if you were to leave. I truly get that. I felt the same way when I left my abuser, as sick as it is. I left him my old car so he could get around. Even though he came into the relationship with only a backpack full of clothes. I'm still mad at myself for that-he deserved NOTHING-and guess what he did? Racked up hundreds of dollars in parking tickets using that car before I had a chance to legally switch everything over-I'm such a dummy! Even in the end he ****ed me over. Don't be me!!! He doesn't deserve your sympathy. He deserves nothing. He is not a victim. You and your daughter are. And if it'll help assuage your guilt, don't leave him with nothing. Split your assets fairly.

Your H can help himself. You need to move forward with helping yourself and your daughter. 

As long as you stay, you will know what you're getting. Major heartache and abuse. Notice how quickly he reverted back to his old ways after your dad's death? It didn't stick. We knew it wouldn't. Not to mention your daughter being not only a witness to the drama, but a potential target. If you leave, you will have no more of that. Remember my Doritos analogy? I love them like crazy. They're terrible for me. You love your H. He is terrible for you.

It's unfortunate you didn't sign that lease when you had the chance. Doesn't mean there aren't more.


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## Openminded

You'll continue to find excuses to stay as long as you look for them. Would it be easy to leave? No. Would it be worth it? Yes. But that's entirely up to you.


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## solost12

Hi there:

My daughter hasn’t seen any of the physical in the past thank God. She has seen the drunken’ness. She hasn’t lived here for four years now.

I still can rent at the same place I applied. A nicer unit with a nicer view opened up for move in 9/30. Only concern is that it’s closer to elevator and garbage chute and I think it’ll be loud and the garbage chute would be smelly or bugs?





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## 3Xnocharm

Congratulations, you get to keep the consolation "prize" of a steaming pile of ****. Yay you. 

Nothing you encounter once you leave this POS is going to be worse than staying with him. NOTHING. But I guess you are comfortable cowering unhappily in the corner because its easier than getting something done. You dont have to convince US how disgusting he is, WE can see it, and WE know what you need to do. But strangers on the internet knowing doesnt matter because YOU are the one in living in this and in control of what you do, and until you figure out that any life without him is a thousand times better than life with him, our hands are completely tied.


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## 3Xnocharm

solost12 said:


> Hi there:
> 
> My daughter hasn’t seen any of the physical in the past thank God. She has seen the drunken’ness. She hasn’t lived here for four years now.
> 
> I still can rent at the same place I applied. A nicer unit with a nicer view opened up for move in 9/30. Only concern is that it’s closer to elevator and garbage chute and I think it’ll be loud and the garbage chute would be smelly or bugs?
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Again, this garbage would be better than the garbage you currently live with. Stop with the excuses, and GET... OUT...!


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## solost12

Thanks everyone. I always look towards the tough love here. 

I’m going to ask this one last time. None of you think this will be a mistake? Cause I haven’t given him the chance to do better? And that none of it is me? Too much of a perfectionist? Nothing is good enough, etc. needy and controlling.

I’m just super afraid of feeling like I made a mistake and lost him to someone better than me. Again there is good there too.

I just need to hear that despite my issues I’m still doing the right thing.


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## lucy999

solost12 said:


> Thanks everyone. I always look towards the tough love here.
> 
> I’m going to ask this one last time. None of you think this will be a mistake? Cause I haven’t given him the chance to do better? And that none of it is me? Too much of a perfectionist? Nothing is good enough, etc. needy and controlling.
> 
> I’m just super afraid of feeling like I made a mistake and lost him to someone better than me. Again there is good there too.
> 
> I just need to hear that despite my issues I’m still doing the right thing.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It'd be a mistake to stay. And, sure, you have issues. We all have issues. But listen. They pale in comparison to his. Apples and oranges.

You know you can't continue to live like this. Right? Stop worrying about him finding someone "better than [you]." Who cares? You should be jumping for joy that you are rid of him. She'll be getting a sparkly turd. Sure, he may be good looking and women may be falling at his feet-let em! You know who the real person is when his mask falls. An abusive, cheating, alcoholic. And it WILL fall. Mine was the same way-oh he is SUCH a great guy! Nope. He had everybody snowed.

There have been plenty of chances for him to change-it's not up to you to provide those chances. Again, he's a full grown adult. Stop trying to be his mother. He doesn't want to change. He's made that perfectly clear. Even told you to leave. So leave. You are not making a mistake. I'd gladly deal with the garbage chute smell and noise if it meant not dealing with your H anymore. 

Stop looking for reasons to stay. The worst is yet to come if his work hours decrease. I cringe at the thought. Ugh.


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## Openminded

No, it isn't you. It really is him. 

Let her (and the hundred women after her) have him. No one will last.


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## lifeistooshort

Why do you think that if you continue to ask the same question you'll somehow get a different answer?

That probably sounds uglier than it's meant to be.

The guy has already shown you who he is....why are you so desperate to ignore it?

"Doing better" means changing who he is, so even if he could it would be temporary.

And if he does better with someone else maybe they're a better match.


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## solost12

Hi! I think a better match cause they will maybe be more secure and confident and not ask so many questions, etc. 

I wish I was that way. So that makes me feel like if I change?

I know I shouldn’t compare this is just super hard for me.

I’m planning my exit though. Im so scared and afraid of being alone.


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## alte Dame

You sound like an abuse victim.

You can't control him. You can only control yourself.

You can't change him. You can only change yourself.

You are in a cycle of fear and excuses.

There are never guarantees in life. Never. The best you can do is try to stack the deck in your favor. For you that means leaving this man who treats you with such contempt.


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## lifeistooshort

So you should be other than who you are just so you won't be alone?

Maybe if you had a decent guy you wouldn't feel the need to ask so many questions.


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## 3Xnocharm

Any woman who is a good match for him would be a rotten piece of crap just like he is. You’re too good, so more power to the skank that gets stuck with him. 

Always remember that YOU are the prize!



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## lucy999

solost12 said:


> Hi! I think a better match cause they will maybe be more secure and confident and not ask so many questions, etc.
> 
> I wish I was that way. So that makes me feel like if I change?
> 
> I know I shouldn’t compare this is just super hard for me.
> 
> I’m planning my exit though. Im so scared and afraid of being alone.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If you are bound and determined to change, change for you. Don't ever change for someone else. You would be more secure and confident and not ask so many questions if you were with someone who wasn't an abusive alcoholic cheater. Have you ever thought of that?

I was a totally different person when I was with my abusive bf. My friends told me so and I could feel it myself. When I finally left, the old me came back. What were you like before you were with your H?

Please work with an agency like a domestic violence shelter to help you with an exit plan. I got help from the YWCA. It made it alot easier and safer.


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## She'sStillGotIt

3Xnocharm said:


> Congratulations, you get to keep the consolation "prize" of a steaming pile of ****. Yay you.
> 
> Nothing you encounter once you leave this POS is going to be worse than staying with him. NOTHING. But I guess you are comfortable cowering unhappily in the corner because its easier than getting something done. You dont have to convince US how disgusting he is, WE can see it, and WE know what you need to do. But strangers on the internet knowing doesnt matter because YOU are the one in living in this and in control of what you do, and until you figure out that any life without him is a thousand times better than life with him, our hands are completely tied.


Yup.



Openminded said:


> You'll continue to find excuses to stay as long as you look for them. Would it be easy to leave? No. Would it be worth it? Yes. But that's entirely up to you.


Yup.

The OP will likely *still* be in the same exact **** show one year, three years and probably ten years from now. I think maybe it just gives her a feeling of temporary control being able to 'say' she's going to leave (in a post) but not have to do it.

OP, when you're coming up with feeble reasons for why you should probably *not* take an apartment because it's close to the elevators and the garbage chute and you're worried about the noise and/or the 'flies' - that speaks very loudly about how you have no intention of leaving at all.

I will just bid you good luck in whichever path you choose to go.


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## solost12

Hi everyone - I know it may seem like I'm not going to leave but I truly for the first time in this relationship have my foot out the door. I've never been this close to actually even go and look at places or let my family know. So I'm there. Just need enough confidence to take the step. 

After being with him for SO many years, I'm just really scared. 

I'm going to see the unit that is available today after work to get a better idea of exactly where it is. 

So I'm making moves. Just having major panic and anxiety about finally doing it on top of questioning because I feel like I'm a pain in the butt sometimes too and what if I didn't always want or need to talk like he says. He always says why do we always have to talk? Why can't we just live? So I feel like I'm a pain.

I also feel guilty because I'm doing all of this behind his back. It's just the person I am.

But yes...I'm almost there. 


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## Openminded

No doubt he considers you a pain but doesn't mean every other man on the planet would think that. 

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even really like you. Keep reminding yourself of that when you start feeling guilty about leaving.


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## solost12

Openminded is that true that he doesn’t like or love me? That hurts to read. Why do you think that?

He always checks in, says he loves me, helps clean, makes dinner, comes straight home everyday, doesn’t go out with friends, etc. does someone who doesn’t love someone do those things? 

That’s a serious question.




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## Openminded

solost12 said:


> Openminded is that true that he doesn’t like or love me? That hurts to read. Why do you think that?
> 
> He always checks in, says he loves me, helps clean, makes dinner, comes straight home everyday, doesn’t go out with friends, etc. does someone who doesn’t love someone do those things?
> 
> That’s a serious question.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes. They very often do. The truth may hurt but that doesn't make it any less the truth. 

Think of the hurtful things he says to you -- not to mention does -- and then tell me why someone who loves you, or even likes you, would do that? Do you think it's normal to be as apprehensive as you are about someone who loves you? 

You don't have a good marriage -- not even close. Don't you think you deserve one? Or has he so convinced you that you're the problem that you're too scared to put into motion a life without him?


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## alte Dame

He thinks you're a pain. So what? *You* think *he'*s a pain, too. His criticism of you makes you insecure, weak, and needy. What about *your* criticism of *him*? Relationships are a two-way street, not a misery where one person has all the power and makes the other feel like a beaten puppy.

Fake it until you make it. Tell yourself that *he's* a misery to *you*. The more you say it and act it, the more you will believe it.

And then do the 180 to detach. Given your thread here, I suspect you will last about 20 minutes with the 180 when you first start it, but try it again after you fail. Then try it again.

Question: Do you suffer from OCD?


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## phillybeffandswiss

solost12 said:


> Hi everyone. So I just had a talk with him. I told him I’m considering moving out because I need peace in my life. And he’s never really been alone and neither have I and that maybe it’s time. I said I know I’m no walk in the park and can be demanding and I know what I need from you too and we just can’t get it it right. He said what would you have living alone that you can’t have here? I said lots of things. No worries about the relationship, I could just do what I want to do. He told me I really have no restrictions here and that’s not true. I can’t leave the house when the girls are here without including them or make plans for myself or my daughter cause then “I’m never here”. I can’t have a pet cause I’m afraid he’ll hurt it even though he says I can and he wouldn’t. He said the only thing that would be different is that you’d have peace of mind and would only have to work and then come home and clean up cat poop.
> 
> He said I just want to talk all the time. Bring up things from the past. I said how can I not bring them up if they’ve never been resolved? I bring them up as examples so you can see the pattern cause you clearly forget and I said I’m traumatized by a lot that has happened and I’m still here despite of it. He said that he’s endured my constant badgering and need for reassurance and to talk and he’s still here. I’m sorry but am I bad person for wanting resolution? He said are you still traumatized today? I said yes from time to time because you always shut my voice down and make me feel like I’m needing too much or doing or saying something wrong. That’s traumatic especially after so many years. I said not once have you validated how I felt. Not once. He said you need validation? He said go. If you’re traumatized still just go. There’s your validation and walked away. I said I hope you can afford this place on your own cause it’s gonna be faster than you think. He said I know you’ve been looking and I said yep. And he walked away.
> 
> So yah. I shouldn’t have said anything. Feeling like it’s me for always needing to talk or a resolution or always bringing up the past and not letting things go.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sure you should have brought it up. Read what you wrote, it is all your fault. Then he reversed the situation back to you and is trying to manipulate you into staying. He didn’t acknowledge you felt traumatized and forced to be quiet, he said leave.

There you go, his alcohol is more important than you and the family.

Prodigal just told you how important alcohol is to an alcoholic. Some of them drink themselves to death. He may have loved you at one point, but he doesn’t now.

I did read the rest, but you should have left right after this post.


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## solost12

I know I should have left. He had me questioning so of course I haven’t yet. 

Why loved at one point but not now?


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## solost12

And yes I do have OCD. What do you all think it may have to do with it? 


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## Openminded

This is your one and only life. You need to stop trying to figure him out and start trying to figure you out.


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> And yes I do have OCD. What do you all think it may have to do with it?


In this case, everything. We're not counselors. We're not mind-readers. You keep asking questions that are impossible to answer. My guess is you want to believe every question has been answered before you actually leave. That's simply not possible. Life does not come with guarantees.

Heck, you don't even know yourself, so why continue trying to figure out your husband? As far as counseling goes, you need to start that again. But don't expect a counselor to have all the answers either. Nobody can live their life without making mistakes; after all, it's how we learn.

You can keep venting, having meltdowns, and wringing your hands. Your life. Your choices. But don't expect to extricate yourself from marriage hell if you continue down this path.


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## nekonamida

solost12 said:


> Openminded is that true that he doesn’t like or love me? That hurts to read. Why do you think that?
> 
> He always checks in, says he loves me, helps clean, makes dinner, comes straight home everyday, doesn’t go out with friends, etc. does someone who doesn’t love someone do those things?
> 
> That’s a serious question.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The point is he can't love you because he doesn't respect you. He treats you like a dumping ground for his negative emotions. He tossed you like a rag doll when drunk. He doesn't prioritize your needs and desires. In fact, they don't even enter the equation in his mind. To him, you matter less. You are a second class citizen in your relationship and he doesn't need to take you seriously or handle you with care. He may think he loves you and of course he says he does. Talk is cheap. But the love he is giving you isn't love at all. It's control because he likes whatever you provide in a given moment whether that's company, a maid, a porn star, comfort, a punching bag, a nanny, etc. He loves you like he loves his tv or his phone or gaming console. And when he gets angry, he doesn't think twice about breaking you like he does those other things that he loves.

When you leave and finally have a healthy relationship, you will realize how much respect plays into love. You will see that a healthy partner cares about your thoughts, wants, needs, wellbeing, and will be able to put you first. And you will finally realize that this doesn't love you and probably doesn't love anyone because his entire heart is spent loving himself the most.


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## solost12

Wow that’s really deep but so interesting to hear in that perspective. As far as well being he’s very caring like cooks, helps clean, always asks how I want the day or evening to go then does that, takes care of me when sick.

I know none of the above matters. 

I went to see that apartment today and I had the biggest panic attack while there. It’s really a tiny space and it’s just not where I see myself moving. I feel like I need to be picky with where I settle at because I want to feel comfortable and love my space. Seeing it I knew that i wouldn’t so that just brought on a whole new set of worry.

I’m super stressed. Needing words of encouragement I feel so out of control and like I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown.

Too much happening. 


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## 3Xnocharm

Deep breaths. 

There are other places out there. Don’t despair because this one wasn’t the one. The important thing is to not give up. Do you have family you could bunk with until you are able to find a place? You are showing a lot of courage working on this first step. Keep going!



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## Prodigal

You are in dire need of professional help. Do you have a primary care physician? It sounds like you need to have something short-term to help you get through this. I'm not advocating for long-term anti-anxiety medication because it's addictive. But you sound like you are coming off the rails. I don't think anyone out here in cyberspace can actually help. I hope you realize that.

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but I imagine you a royal pain in the ass to your husband. Yeah, you sound like a demanding perfectionist. It also sounds like you have regular meltdowns and expect him to save you from yourself. Ain't gonna happen.

Please seek some help ASAP. Perhaps short-term medication with a good counselor will help you gain clarity to make a reasonable decision. As it stands now, you are doing nothing more than spinning your wheels.

P.S. - You don't have to live in a tiny apartment forever. When I left my husband, I lived in a 200 square foot room over a horse barn. Seriously.


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## AliceA

solost12 said:


> Thanks everyone. I always look towards the tough love here.
> 
> I’m going to ask this one last time. None of you think this will be a mistake? Cause I haven’t given him the chance to do better? And that none of it is me? Too much of a perfectionist? Nothing is good enough, etc. needy and controlling.
> 
> I’m just super afraid of feeling like I made a mistake and lost him to someone better than me. Again there is good there too.
> 
> I just need to hear that despite my issues I’m still doing the right thing.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The fact that you are so afraid to be on your own is the big thing here. It seems like you are staying out of fear, not love. Why do you find the thought of being alone so scary?

Surely you must have a life beyond him, and if not, why not?


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## solost12

3Xnocharm – Thank you. Yes, you’re right. I’ll be calling some this morning. Online it shows they’re not available until October 10th but that’s better than nothing. Thank you again for the words of encouragement. Taking deep breaths this way. 

Prodigal – I was prescribed Zoloft 6 months ago which is why I’ve even had enough clarity to get to this place where I’m at today. Without it, I wouldn’t have even felt strong enough to think it. I do realize that cyberspace isn’t my cure but it sure does help and I’m thankful for it. As far as pain in the ass to my husband, yes I guess I am, however, the only time I have melt downs is when I’m needing his support and I’m not getting it or when I have a valid reason to feel like he’s not being kind to me, etc. or when he can’t talk or when he makes a bad decision and I try and talk to him about it and he goes off the deep edge. But I guess I do need to talk more often than not. I don’t expect him to save me from myself. Just have respect for me and how I feel. I feel now that I’ve read that, that I am for sure the problem. If I make a move, I’ll regret it because I’m too much of a demanding perfectionist and have driven him to treat me this way. I have to say, I’m really stuck now. I don’t know what to do. Seek help and work it out with him? Or stick with what my initial plan was. I feel like I can’t forget all of the bad in this relationship. But also feeling like I drove him to certain behaviors towards me because I’m a pest. 

AliceA – Being afraid to be alone is a big thing here. I find the thought of being alone so scary because I feel like so many women are into him and that I’m lucky to have him. That I’m not very attractive (which I’m told frequently that I am…just feel unattractive), that I won’t find anyone else that I have as much fun with and have in common with musically, food wise, just things we enjoy together in general. I guess, fear of not finding the good that I love in him with anyone else and with someone who is just as attractive, smart, etc. 

I do have friends but not many. I’m more of an introvert as I’ve gotten older and prefer to not do anything other than go home. I find that I’m at peace not being surrounded by many. I prefer alone time. So I do get out but I don’t have a circle of friends that I always spend time with. I need to start working out though and getting a separate life for myself. I just prefer not to have a large circle of friends or to go out very often. 

I do have a great job and work for a wonderful company and my daughter and her girlfriend who are incredibly wonderful and so supportive of me. They make my world. So there are good things going for me. Just this unhealthy relationship that I’m questioning on leaving now because I feel like I’m on the problem. Prodigal you got me spinning in another direction now.




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## lucy999

You yourself deemed this an unhealthy relationship. It is super hard to get healthy when you're in a toxic relationship. Why not work on you? Without him? You'd make way more progress without him putting stumbling blocks in your way. Listen, if this relationship was meant to be, you could always come back together after both of you have become better people. And if you're afraid of losing him to another woman, what does that tell you about his "love" for you?

And, just because he's hot shouldn't be a reason to stay. Because looks fade with time. And then what will you be left with?! A man who's no longer hot who treats you like ****.

I know it's hard. I think you should continue to search for your own place.


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## Openminded

Stay with someone you're afraid to even have a pet with because he might treat it the way he does you? Or probably worse? No. Just no. 

You can always find excuses to stay if you look for them. Don't.


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## 3Xnocharm

You did not drive him to treat you like ****! Stop blaming yourself! No one is perfect but none of us deserve to endure being abused like you are! Please for the love of God get out of that mindset! Yes, strive to work on yourself, we all need to do that. Your husband alone is responsible for his own actions and reactions. Stop thinking you have that much power. You cannot stay or this is what your life is going to be like for the next 40 years, is that really what you want?? Your husband is no prize!! So stop thinking that he is! Any woman he would possibly end up with would end up being right exactly where you are now. A good man doesn’t do this. 



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## alte Dame

solost12 said:


> And yes I do have OCD. What do you all think it may have to do with it?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I have a sister with debilitating OCD and you sound very much like her. She needs reassurance upon reassurance and lots of patience and love. Your WH won't give you that, so I'm hoping you will understand that there are people in the world who can understand and emotionally support. You really don't need him. Staying with him might make some of the things you fear come true, but none of those things is terminal. Once you are out, you will be able to focus on other things and a lot of the OCD hamster wheel will slow down.


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## solost12

Hello!

Yes the ocd makes so much sense. I can’t stop thinking about it and get frozen which is so bizarre.

Life has been super different since the girls moved. Really no arguments and very little talk. Just very flat. Goes to show how much of an issue it was.

I did get approved for a beautiful apartment with a very private view. I think I’d find peace there. Move in would be 10/11. I haven’t signed a lease yet. 

He did find out today that his company is on strike so financially it will be rough.

So now of course I feel bad knowing he’ll be really screwed.

I know this sounds crazy but I keep hoping he does something to make me want to leave again because with the way things have been going, I’m scared that again I’m making a mistake. I know it’s irrational. 

So here I am. Opportunity to move, etc. but stuck in fear, worry, guilt for leaving him when down, what if’s.

I’ve been praying for an answer and for a definite sign. 

So yah...just a quick update. 


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## She'sStillGotIt

solost12 said:


> I know this sounds crazy but I keep hoping he does something to make me want to leave again because with the way things have been going, I’m scared that again I’m making a mistake. I know it’s irrational.


Got it.

I guess all the past bleeding and bruises and wounds from your beatings - as well as the constant verbal and emotional abuse or the drunken **** shows or any of it - haven't *nearly* been enough.

You're actually thinking that if he could just beat you *one* more time, maybe _really_ do some serious damage and break a few bones or better yet, damage an internal organ, maybe that would be the magical catalyst you need to let go of your abuser and finally put yourself in a healthier environment. But until that time, you're going to continue to delude yourself into thinking maybe he's not such a bad guy after all because sometimes, he's just like Prince Charming and brings you a gift or makes you breakfast. And now, your abuser 'needs' you because he's about to be laid off.

Lucky lucky you, Solost. Not only do you now get to support this POS (while he stays home all day and gets drunk and chases women on the internet or down at the local watering hole), but if you're *really* lucky, he'll continue to abuse you and disrespect you every day as his way of thanking you for your continued *blind* loyalty.

Solost, you're going to do what you're going to do and nothing any of us is going to change that. It's your life. So I'll just say, good luck to you.


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## 3Xnocharm

Just sign the lease and get on with it. You are NOT going to have any regrets, the man is worthless.


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## solost12

Hello:

When I say something bad I’m not referring to physical as that hasn’t happened for many many years. He has had moments of breaking things but that has been very rare. The cheating…I was nervous that his ex works right up the street from us now but I’m not certain or have had any signs of cheating. So when I say looking for something I’m looking for a text or a sign. Not for anything bad physically. 

He knows he can’t drink like he used to and hasn’t really been. 

So again, just looking for something as a sign because of course, he’s been good, I’m questioning. I feel like when you love someone that’s what happens?

Or I could be totally wrong.

I guess I’m looking for more of a push from you all here?




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## alte Dame

The sign you are looking for is that your gut is telling you to sign the lease. That's the sign from the universe. If it weren't the right thing for you after all these years of taking abuse, you wouldn't have done the incredibly challenging thing for you of finding a place for yourself.

There is always something to fear in life. We can be strong as we face the fear, though. Some smart people have long said that courage is not fighting fearlessly, but fighting in the face of fear.

You have come this far. The sign you are looking for is the fact that you were driven to take the initiative to find a place for yourself. That action on your part is pointing the way for you.

There is always fear. For all of us. It's how you deal with it that creates either a healthy or unhealthy path for our lives. You can be healthier, even with OCD. You can make the choice to leave even though you are afraid that it is a mistake. Given his behavior, it would never be a mistake. You just have to understand that internally. That understanding will come with time once you've left.


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## nekonamida

solost12 said:


> Hello:
> 
> When I say something bad I’m not referring to physical as that hasn’t happened for many many years. He has had moments of breaking things but that has been very rare. The cheating…I was nervous that his ex works right up the street from us now but I’m not certain or have had any signs of cheating. So when I say looking for something I’m looking for a text or a sign. Not for anything bad physically.
> 
> He knows he can’t drink like he used to and hasn’t really been.
> 
> So again, just looking for something as a sign because of course, he’s been good, I’m questioning. I feel like when you love someone that’s what happens?
> 
> Or I could be totally wrong.
> 
> I guess I’m looking for more of a push from you all here?


Here's the thing - it is extremely common for abusive people to go years without getting physical. I know another poster on a different site whose husband went over a decade of not lying a hand on her and tried to kill her a couple of weeks ago. Luckily he was stopped by the police. It happens. It happens probably more often than the abusive spouse who is constantly beating, berating, and acting terrible.

NO ONE is physically/emotionally abusive all day every day or else they would never have a partner to abuse. What you're seeing does not some how make your husband not abusive. It makes him just as bad as every abusive spouse out there since most of them act like he does. Caring about your day, caring for you when you're sick, helping with chores, these aren't exemplary achievements that make him special. They make him average and he would be even more of a monster if he couldn't even do the absolute bare minimum expected of a spouse. And they're not just about your benefit either. He can convince himself he's not THAT bad if he also does [normal good spouse behavior] too. It's a facade for himself just as much as it is for you.

Ask yourself, honestly, is he being good because he's actually addressing these issues, getting into therapy for himself or the both of you, acknowledging your feelings and apologizing for his role in them, reading books, and treating you better or is he "good" because he currently isn't doing anything abusive and is acting like everything is normal even though he knows you're about to pull the plug on him?


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> *I don’t have a say in what goes on in our home without backlash and him getting angry at me* and telling me “it’s just you”. Well no I’m sorry but you’re 12 year old still wanting to sleep with you and sit on your lap is an issue and it’s not just me.
> 
> It’s very unhealthy and I have told him he should talk to someone and he won’t. He says he would never do that. He doesn’t think he needs it and I’m the only one with problems. He says he only looks to the future.
> 
> Anger, communication issues, entitlement, not facing reality. We can’t have healthy conversations cause he’s so shut down emotionally. He walks away in anger ever time I want to talk about something.
> 
> I feel like I’m always walking on egg shells and don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. It’s circles. He has even told me while I’ve sat in front of him crying and begging to talk and hear me that where am I gonna get? That I’m wasting my time. He gets upsets and walks away. *We’ve NEVER not once had a conversation that has come to a resolution*. I’m not over exaggerating either. Never. So our issues are still there. He just flipped out cause I brought up therapy
> 
> He said in so negative. That he had positive plans for us today but I just screwed it all up and slammed the door. He makes me feel like I’m crazy. I’m trying to save our marriage. I’m not crazy I said our issues are never resolved … He gets so angry with me and makes me feel like I’m nuts.
> 
> He has when drunk whisky in the past gotten belligerent over past conversations and things brought up about his kids. *He has broken mirrors, pulled me off of a bed onto the floor and picked me back up and threw me on it. Has punched holes in walls. *Most of those times I got no apology. If I wouldn’t have did or said what I said it wouldn’t have happened. When we were together after a year, *he hit me so hard out of nowhere after a night of drinking. I fell to the ground and y dragged me down the hall by my legs while I was screaming and crying in shock. I had to get my back tooth taken out the next day. He hit me in the face and made my nose bleed.* Most of this happened years ago and hasn’t happened in a long time but he still has anger.
> 
> I know that I can be a worry wart and negative* I was brought up in a very dysfunctional family and he was too* but I’m not shut down emotionally like he is. He can be super emotional with other things like his kids to the point of crying but lacks it with me.
> 
> Can any of you please please offer me some advice on if I should stay and try to work it out if I am the issue or if I should pack my bags run and never look back?


Excerpts from what you initially posted over a month ago. And you're still wringing your hands over whether or not you should stay with this "prize." Here's the deal: If ANY man ever struck me and dragged me I'd be GONE. I don't give a damn if it happened 40 years ago. I would have left after the first performance.

With that in mind, if you really desire a "push" to leave, maybe that loser you're married to would oblige by shoving you hard and knocking out a few of your teeth just for yucks.

I mean, c'mon … leave this douche bag already. JEEZUS.

P.S. - At least have enough self-respect to get serious counseling to figure out why you went from your own dysfunctional family into an equally dysfunctional marriage.


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## solost12

Hello:

Yes, I called to have a consult with a therapist.

I’m having major panic attacks thinking about all the bad that’s happened and if anyone knew they’d be blown away. I’m an attractive woman who is smart, raised a beautiful daughter have a great job with wonderful people. I’m truly blessed in many areas. All of this coming from a less than ideal childhood and growing up in very inner city. 

So although I’m proud of those things I’m so paranoid and I walk with shame inside everyday. Because I feel so ugly inside. 

So here I am. Married and ultra insecure and paranoid afraid to leave my husband and start over knowing all that I do. It’s all very bizarre to me.

So tonight just full of anxiety and panic. I can’t shake it. When reality hits, it hits hard and it sucks.

I know I have so much work to do. First step is leaving and signing that lease on October 11th. Praying for ultimate strength and an ultimate sign to go. I need all the strength and whatever else for this to happen.

Please don’t give up on me here. I need the continue push and tough love.

Thank you!!


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## lucy999

Hon, you don't need a "sign" to tell you you're doing the right thing by leaving. You need to focus on the pure, unfiltered facts. You know what they are. Nothing anyone can do or say to change those horrid facts.

What would you tell your daughter, who you love so much, if she were in this situation? My guess is you would tell her to leave. Today. Why are you not following your own advice?

Stop thinking you haven't given him a chance to change. Stop thinking you contributed to his cheating and abusive and addictive behavior. IT'S NOT YOU. IT'S HIM. You cannot fix him. 

You're stronger than you think. If I can do it, I know you can do it, too.


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## solost12

Thank you. He just got so upset cause I told him we don’t have sex anymore and I feel like it’s because I’ve gained weight. He said no it’s cause you never want to or your always sick. I said oh ok it’s just me right? Like everything is just me. 

He said I feel like you’re not feeling well so I think I’m doing good by not approaching you and was like What the ****?! I said you don’t have to curse at me! I said I’m just telling you how I feel.

He said yah it’s always how you feel if you would just act and do then we wouldn’t need to talk and slammed the door so hard that our painting fell.

I followed him outside and said why do you have to get so angry?! I said couples talk!! Why can’t you just hear what I’m saying and I can hear you without having a fit?! He said we don’t need to talk!! I said of course we do!! I started crying and said I’m sad. I’m so sad cause this relationship is so unhealthy and you just can’t change. He said you can’t change either. 

I told him the slamming of the door is totally uncalled for an unnecessary. He said well you took me there! I said why cause I wanted to talk? He said cause you walked away. I said I walked away cause you were raising your voice and I get nervous when you yell. The neighbor came out so he grabbed my arm and put me inside.

I came up and left him alone and he came up and asked me what I was doing today and I was hanging with my daughter. Then rubbed my Back like nothing.

Then asked me again what we were doing and when which is so weird to me. He’s not the type to ever really question and he has been lately and I wonder if he’s looking for an escape to see his ex who works up the street. Total speculation but...

I’m just on high alert with everything right now....


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## solost12

Hi everyone:

I really need to talk. My husband just said his 14 year old wants to move back and her mom is considering it. They haven’t even been gone a full month yet. I just said we haven’t had an argument about anything really since they left and I’m not gonna deal with issues full time with them when they were too much part time. He said well if you’re asking me to choose you or her I choose her. 

Well ok. Guess decision is made because I said you’re incapable of allowing me to be the wife and woman of the home when they’re here. It goes back to everything. 
He said he let them do whatever cause he only had them part time. Does that excuse it? 

I don’t wanna live my life walking on eggs shells full time cause he lets his kids do what they choose over his wife. And then I’m responsible for raising two more daughters who haven’t even reached out to me once since they moved cause nothing I ever do is good enough. While their mom is over there living a kid free life? 

I mean...This is all a ****ing mess 
She’s been there for a month!!! Like it doesn’t matter where she lives it’s gonna be the same she’s never content!! 
She didn’t go to school today just cause she didn’t want to. She’s out of control. She wants to move here cause she knows my husband lets her do whatever she wants. I don’t wanna deal with that! 
He’s like they want to move here cause their mom is never home and because we’re always home and they get so much love here and well ok but again all the love I gave was for what? They haven’t even texted me once! Like I’m sorry I know they’re home doing nothing so they can’t take a minute to say hi to me or my daughter who was so good to them
Too?

I just said before they left things didn’t change so why would it change now? He said you don’t know **** about love. Love doesn’t keep track of wrong doing. I said I’m not keeping track I’m giving you examples of why I’m concerned! How dare you tell me nothing I did was out of love! I said the last 12 years I rose above it all and that’s not love or wasn’t love?!?! Are you kidding me?! I said that’s the problem. Nothing that I did or do was ever good enough for you or them!! He said yah it’s our fault. The three of us. I said no you guys are all perfect!! How dare him say that to me?! He said some things were done with vindictiveness. My heart is broken. It’s never going to change and all this time that I’ve wasted with a man who doesn’t see the love that I’ve given all cause I’m concerned about how life will change if his kids move here. 

If you all read the first post I touch on the issues with them. Life hasn’t been perfect since they moved but I have had more peace of mind. 

For him to tell me that he knows my concerns and it would change to him telling me I don’t know anything about love because I gave him reasons and examples I thought it wouldn’t is just crazy.

I feel like I’m in the wrong here. For not being accepting or understanding of the fact they are his daughters but there’s so much more involved. Can you please tell me what you think? Given my first post and history am I wrong? 

Please help I feel terrible


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## alte Dame

I think that until you make a committed decision to strike out on your own you are going to be in this cycle. Your situation with your WH is toxic to you. You focus on all the details, but don't see the big picture.

So, let him have his kids move back. Parents probably should say 'yes' to this. You don't have to stay, though. What happened with the apartment? That's the big picture.


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## 3Xnocharm

Just get out like we keep telling you to do. You dont make a father choose between you and his children, you will lose, and you should. If you couldnt handle his kids, you should not have married him. I am not defending a problem child, but this is what you chose. You are miserable all around in this situation and you are doing your fair share of making issues. Do yourself a favor and get out of this.


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## Openminded

Sign the lease and go.


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## lucy999

I'm not sure what more you want from us here? How many times can we tell you the same thing? And I'm saying this in a respectful tone, not a snarky one. I would tell my closest friend the same thing I'm telling you.

You're not ready to go. This is clear. I'm not judging you. But until you're ready to go you will continue to be stuck in this toxic life. Only you can walk away-we can urge you and support you as much as we can, but at the end of the day, it's your decision to make. None of the posters here have changed their tune.

Sign that lease and get out!


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## solost12

Hi everyone:

As always, thank you for the input and support. I want to circle back around to the children issue. I did not say that he had to choose between me and his daughter. I did say that because of history with them and his inability to discipline or set rules and boundaries and his inability to allow me to be a good role model to them without me being the wicked step mom that I wouldn't want to be around it. I have been very good to his children, have tried to instill morals, boundaries, guidance because the don't get it anywhere else but he has always been so defensive that 95% of the time, I was coming from a bad place in his eyes which couldn't be the furthest from true. It didn't matter how I approached the situation, how I said something, I was always in the wrong. Just the way that it is with him. He can do no wrong and his children can do no wrong. It's always "just you" and "your perception". So after many years of these issues on a part time basis, I don't want to have to deal with it full time. I'm drained of being a good woman and me getting viewed poorly on those things. Here's an example. He said what he said on Friday, that I don't know anything about love because I had a concern about his daughter moving there full time. Saturday night I reached out to her even though she hasn't reached out to me since they moved to check in and see how she's doing. We had a conversation about how she's unhappy and wants to move home cause she has no friends. I tried to be really positive, tell her to give it time, that she'll make friends and that she's in a really nice spot, to count her blessings, etc. and once she's done trying for a while then she can think about other options. But to not give up so soon. So I told him that and instead of saying thank you, I appreciate you trying to make her feel better he said "yah good job in trying to keep her there. you haven't reached out to them once since they left but now that she wants to move here, you do." That's the FARTHEST from the truth. I called and texted, etc. to get random responses here and there. I HAVE reached out. This is one example. Another is, when they used to visit on weekends, if I made too much noise in the morning in the kitchen I would get in trouble. Like everyone had to tip toe around them and their sleeping even though they were up till 4am on their phones. So these are a few things. There are so many more. 

When I talk to him about my concerns, what would be so great to hear is, I understand where you're coming from and I hear you. I know that you have these concerns but I will change. I will make sure that rules are respected, etc. and that you won't have to feel bad about it. But no, he's not capable. He just says "that's your opinion and your skewed view of things". 

His sister or someone can come up to me and call me a ***** to my face and he'll say "oh you're over reacting they were playing". That kind of thing. All of my emotions and feelings have been shut off as "it's just you". It's horrible.

So yesterday I saw that he was looking for an apartment. I said you're looking for a place to live? He said, yes, after you said you were done on Friday. I said what's the difference now after all of the other times I said I was done because you never looked before. He said because you're making me choose between you and my daughter and if she moves here you're out. I said, I'm not making you choose. I'm trying to get you to understand where my concerns come from. I said it's a horrible place to be knowing you can't be the wife/woman of the house when your daughters are here and if and when that's allowed, I get viewed as the wicked step mom. It sucks feeling that way. I said, for YEARS I have been so good to you and them and all that I do is viewed with ill intent. I said I feel like I could never live up to your expectations or your expectations for them which is bizarre considering all that I've done. Nothing is good enough. He said that I keep tabs on all the negative and that's not true. I said I don't keep tabs, it's just that it hasn't changed. How can I not talk about it when it hasn't changed? He said "oh it's always bad?" I said 98% of the time. He said there you go keeping tabs and now putting a percentage on it. I said, you can't even reassure me that it would be different and he said that he has but he hasn't and he hasn't changed. I still can do no right. He told me "yah you have such a horrible life and you're always the victim. He said you'll always be the victim in any relationship". I said how could he say that to me? I said I'm so tired of you having this negative view of me. I said why are you even with me? If I'm so negative and play victim? He didn't answer. I said, you know what I don't even know why I keep trying to get you to see. I said and when you think about it, yes I have been a victim and yes I am a victim of how you have talked to me and treated me for years when you've been bad. I said I'm a victim of my husband having negative skewed views of his wife always, I'm a victim of not being respected in my own home, I'm a victim of not being able to have an opinion, I'm a victim of past physical and current emotional abuse and a victim of an emotionally available husband. YES I HAVE and AM a victim but you know what? You don't have to worry about that anymore. I started crying. Said I'm so hurt. Because I never wanted it to get here. I said you don't have to worry about my negativity, my victim mentality or ever needing to talk about the girls or ANYTHING anymore. I said it's such a shame and you're really going to regret this some day. I said you had everything with me. He said I still have everything. I said no you don't and walked away.

So here I am...I'm crushed. Crippled with fear of the new changes. I feel like am I doing the right thing because what if it did change with her living with us? What if it doesn't though? Like am I being too hard on the situation? Expecting too much? Or is this the right thing to do. I know you've all heard this before but I'm just giving you an update on the conversations this weekend and a little more history on it all. Please help me here. I'm so scared and so broken hearted. My eyes are swollen today because I cried so hard. I'm really hurt and sad.


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## Tilted 1

Wish l could give you a more inspiring thought, but abusers don't want to change. They are too self absorbed in their own pity party. Take the life line he is offering you. Get yourself together, and if and when the smoke clears you know where you are standing. He may not understand what he is loosing, or if he does wants to continue to be the victim. Sorry you can't love enough for two. He has to want it also.


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## Tilted 1

Forgot, quit playing their game. Your just the cheerleader.


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## 3Xnocharm

Stop pleading your case to him, he doesnt care. Just...stop... All you are doing is annoying him and making yourself look pathetic. I dont know why you refuse to pay attention to ALL OF US telling you to get the hell out and divorce the man.


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## solost12

Tilted 1 said:


> Wish l could give you a more inspiring thought, but abusers don't want to change. They are too self absorbed in their own pity party. Take the life line he is offering you. Get yourself together, and if and when the smoke clears you know where you are standing. He may not understand what he is loosing, or if he does wants to continue to be the victim. Sorry you can't love enough for two. He has to want it also.


What do you mean by take the life line he's offering and when the smoke clears? Do you mean to stay with him to see what happens? I'm sorry, my brain is beyond fried.


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## Tilted 1

No, if the apartment thing is in the works, let it happen.


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## 3Xnocharm

solost12 said:


> What do you mean by take the life line he's offering and when the smoke clears? Do you mean to stay with him to see what happens? I'm sorry, my brain is beyond fried.


Jesus, NO. Tilted means LET HIM LEAVE!!! NO ONE here is telling you to stay!


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## solost12

Ok. Thank you for clarifying. Again, my brain is a fuzz. I have two apartment options. One that is more expensive that I can move into now or one that is cheaper (better choice) that I can move into on October 15th so a bit further out. Of course, I like the one that is more expensive because of the time that I can move but realistically, I would prefer the cheaper one but it'll be so hard waiting it out.


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## Tilted 1

3Xnocharm said:


> Jesus, NO. Tilted means LET HIM LEAVE!!! NO ONE here is telling you to stay!


Yes sorry! I should have said whatever it take for you to get healthy.


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## Tilted 1

But if he doesn't then you can! Either way your away from him.


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## lucy999

I am married and I have a stepdaughter. I am lucky in that she is a dream child. She hasn't given me or her dad a moment's grief. She's in college now, but when she lived with us, we were very happy. I miss her horribly.

But I can tell you one thing for certain-if my husband and his daughter didn't include me and make me feel a part of their family, given my best attempts to be a wonderful stepmother, I would leave. 

If my husband didn't have my back on issues where I was being reasonable and the two were ganging up on me, I'd be gone. I have too much self-respect for myself to put up with that noise. Who wants to feel like a second-class citizen in their own home? Not me!

You're still searching for reasons to stay in this wretched situation. Again, I'm not judging you. 

Quit talking to your H about it. Seriously. He doesn't give a ****. Stop thinking you can change him. You can't and you won't. Change has to come from within. 

I seem to recall you have made a therapy appointment? Am I correct? You are overanalyzing everything--and it's to your detriment. I think I heard the phrase "analysis paralysis" used here at TAM and it fits. You are paralyzed from acting because you're overanalyzing every single thing. A good therapist can help with stopping that hamster wheel.


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## solost12

Hello:

Quick update. I found a really nice place that I love. I was super excited yesterday just being there and seeing it. Felt good. Now that he knows I'm moving there, of course he's on board which I don't get. I have fought with him for YEARS to move to a place like this and it was always no, no, no because of his children who he has only part time. So why now? Why the change now?


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## 3Xnocharm

Um, because he wants you GONE.


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## Marduk

solost12 said:


> Hello:
> 
> Quick update. I found a really nice place that I love. I was super excited yesterday just being there and seeing it. Felt good. Now that he knows I'm moving there, of course he's on board which I don't get. I have fought with him for YEARS to move to a place like this and it was always no, no, no because of his children who he has only part time. So why now? Why the change now?


Always assume he’s trying to manipulate you. 

And don’t waste any effort on trying to figure out why - that’s part of the manipulation. Just get out.


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## solost12

3Xnocharm said:


> Um, because he wants you GONE.


He said he's on board with moving WITH ME now...not him being on board with me moving.


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## 3Xnocharm

solost12 said:


> He said he's on board with moving WITH ME now...not him being on board with me moving.


Oh HELL NO! NO WAY! You need to get OUT of this, not take his rotten ass WITH you! Who cares what his motive is, which is all manipulation by the way... you better stand up for yourself ASAP.

Why did you tell him???


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## solost12

I told him because rent at our current place is due today and I'm not going to pay it because I need that money to move out this weekend. Then he asked questions, I told him and said this is what I've told you for years and now this? I said if you wanted your daughter to come and live with us full time it would be no. That's not something I'm willing to do. My daughter is making me feel sort of bad about it because she said he lived with us when we first started dating but I said no, it's different. He moved in with US..you were already there. I said, he didn't have his kids full time. I didn't sign up for full time either. I said on top of that his daughter is NOTHING like you were. She is very ungrateful, entitled, complains about everything and is super moody. She actually is a female version of him looks and personality and there is no way in hell I'm dealing with two of them full time!

So you think he's manipulating me? Yes, probably. Considering he's still on strike, not making any money, etc.


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## lucy999

Wait-he wants to move in WITH you to your new place??!!!

**** NO. Just NO.

I'll tell you congratulations once we hear you've moved this weekend. WITHOUT HIM.:smile2:


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## solost12

Well yes but when I told him I would not allow his daughter to live there full time he said ok no thanks...

This whole relationship his ex has been alllll over the place..moving his kids from place to place and now out of town and he's always just ok'd what she did...let's her and the kids do whatever...We have never done anything that was good for us because he made it all around her and what they had going on which is madness and all over the place...

I told him once and for all he needs to stop saying yes to all of their whims...like he has to put his foot down..he should tell his ex and his daughter no for once that she should give it a year and it not good then see what happens..but I can't guarantee they'll even be there a year...they may be back with their all over the place mom next month..who knows...

All I know is that I'm done living my life around what his whacky all over the place ex and kids need..I have put them first FOR YEARS...now it's time to put me first...


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## solost12

Well he just pushed me so hard into the door I fell into our radio and onto the stool which jabbed my stomach and thigh and I have scrapes and a bruise on my arm. He is acting like he doesn’t know what happened and was like “huh you fell?” “Are you hurt?” “I was just trying to get you out of the way and didn’t mean to, I’m sorry”. 

This is because we had a conversation about everything and he still said the same. I said ok, there has been no compromise and there never will be. I’m moving out this Saturday. He said ok and then muttered something else I don’t know and proceeded to “move me out of the way” which was so strong I fell to the side.

I told my daughter which I never have. It’s done. Of course he’s making me question because he said I didn’t realize and was only moving you out of way. Like what the hell. This hurts so bad I can’t even handle it.

Am I over reacting? I don’t even remember how it happened now: 


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## 3Xnocharm

Nope, if anything you are UNDER reacting by not contacting the police. I am so glad you are leaving, I hope you actually follow through.


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## lucy999

My gosh no you're not overreacting.

I had a feeling that if you told him of your plans to leave, it'd become physical. I'm sorry.

Can you stay elsewhere until you move Saturday?

And what did your daughter say when you told her?

Focus on Saturday. It's only a few days away. Stop talking to him.


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## solost12

I just took photos and omg I have the biggest scrape and bruise on my thigh from falling into the chair and a big bruise on my stomach. Im here at home now. I don’t think he’ll do anything else. Hope not. 

I have to say that I do feel bad for leaving him at such a bad time. Strike at woot, car payments behind, daughters moved out of town. Just feel like I’m kicking him when he’s really down and out. It’s just how I feel. 

This is so hard. I’m so scared to be lonely. To start over at my age. Don’t have many friends or much of a life other than work. 

Also so sad to be losing 12 years of the side of him that I love. I’ve never clicked or loved anyone as much as I do him. Again, speaking of the good him. I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone that is like the good side.

Then I’m like what if I just said ok your daughter can move in full time? Am I being selfish? 


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## Tilted 1

solost12 said:


> .
> 
> Then I’m like what if I just said ok your daughter can move in full time? Am I being selfish?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No, just foolish 12 yrs, of wasted time when in that time has only gotten worse.


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## solost12

I locked the bedroom door last night by putting a wedge in front of it so he couldn’t get in. At 5:40 am I was woken up to him speaking through the door “are you leaving me?” I was like what? Because I was half asleep then he says again “are you leaving me” and I didn’t respond.

He sounds like a scared puppy or heart broken. That makes me sad of course cause I never want to hurt anyone or see them down. I’m really leaving him screwed while he’s down at his worst.

So that doesn’t help. This is all so hard. 


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## She'sStillGotIt

solost12 said:


> Well yes but when I told him I would not allow his daughter to live there full time he said ok no thanks....


 LOL!! I love it. An unemployed, abusive, drunken *POS* - who needs his wife to support him because he's so lazy and aimless - being choosy about who he and his devil spawn daughter will SPONGE off of. That's rich! It really is. 

I'm assuming he can afford to be choosy because there's a whole line of women outside the front door, beating each other with sticks and fighting to be first in line to take on this "prize."



> He sounds like a scared puppy or heart broken. That makes me sad of course cause I never want to hurt anyone or see them down. I’m really leaving him screwed while he’s down at his worst.


Let me take a guess where this nonsense is going.


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## Tilted 1

That's what abusers do, talk crap promises and can't believe that you won't take their BS as gospel. Sorry don't let it work for him anymore. He just want his kicking board that all.


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## solost12

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL!! I love it. An unemployed, abusive, drunken *POS* - who needs his wife to support him because he's so lazy and aimless - being choosy about who he and his devil spawn daughter will SPONGE off of. That's rich! It really is.
> 
> I'm assuming he can afford to be choosy because there's a whole line of women outside the front door, beating each other with sticks and fighting to be first in line to take on this "prize."
> 
> I'm not sure if you're joking about the women? lol...Trying to make myself feel better, not worse lol...
> 
> I'm wondering if there is...there have always been women who want him...he's ridiculously handsome, charismatic, smart and funny...so yes, that's hard to think about...they're gonna get the "good twin"...he's a Gemini...and I'm just sad about that..
> 
> I don't think that's abnormal...it's been 12 years...that's the longest I've ever been and I know 12 years of bad but also 12 years of good...


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## Chaparral

You need to get help from a women’s abuse clinic or whatever they call it. He is an abuser and you are an abused woman in denial.

The only time he is s good is when it suits him and he wants something. He’s a sociopath if not a psychopath. He is a s dangerous as a diamond back rattle snake. You will never know when he may deliver a fatal blow. Where will your child be then? Or he just may disable you. No real man hits a woman. He does it because in his twisted mind it props up his ego.

He is so broken he can’t be fixed. He is broke because he isn’t working. Not because of a strike. Motivated guys go out and find temporary jobs. Thanks to a great economy there are jobs everywhere. Some may not be much but can keep one afloat. Get away from this loser and make it a safe place for you and your daughter.


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## solost12

Thank you. My daughter is older and lives on her own, thank goodness. But she now knows of it. Yesterday was the first I told her but did not tell her of the past altercations. This is the first time he's done anything in a LONG time. Not excusing it but just saying. But yes, I know. Anything can happen at any time. I even demanded marriage counseling but no. He can't or won't. It's just a mess. Wish I walked away a very long time ago. It would have hurt me less to leave.

My daughter made me feel better about me feeling bad yesterday. She said, mom there really is no good time to leave. He had money to gamble before, buy drinks, etc. then he can figure it out now and/or he can go and stay with a friend. She's so wise at the tender age of 25 and I'm beyond blessed to have her in my life. I wish I had more of her.


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## alte Dame

Keep your forward focus now. He and his ex and daughters have been a united front dug in against you, making you the bad guy, for long enough. It won't change. You've said your peace. Now follow through.

The uncertainty of your future means that you are scared. The certainty of your past and present means that you are i danger. Pick the better option, which is to get out.


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> My daughter made me feel better about me feeling bad yesterday. She said, mom there really is no good time to leave. He had money to gamble before, buy drinks, etc. then he can figure it out now and/or he can go and stay with a friend. She's so wise at the tender age of 25 and I'm beyond blessed to have her in my life. I wish I had more of her.


Lean on your daughter for support. It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and wants to be there for you. I hope you do move out. Have her with you for the move.


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## solost12

Hello everyone. I signed the lease yesterday and got all utilities switched as of this weekend and mail changed, etc. started packing last night. 

I have yet to find people to help move but hoping something will fall through.

He is very on board with wanting to move now. Said he’s willing to go to marriage counseling. 

I feel very bad because again, leaving him with nothing. 

Not saying he’s coming but what about marriage counseling?

Or is that a no? 

I felt so at peace and at home when I went to see it again yesterday. Like very excited.

But when I came home, saw him and everything I just felt so sad.

It’s very strange all of the emotions from anger, fear, sadness then excited back to worry, etc. it’s so much to process in such short time.

Therapy is a no right? Please don’t be upset just again so much going on. 


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## lucy999

solost12 said:


> He is very on board with wanting to move now. Said he’s willing to go to marriage counseling.
> 
> . . .
> 
> I felt so at peace and at home when I went to see it again yesterday. Like very excited.
> 
> But when I came home, saw him and everything I just felt so sad.


Of course he's on board with moving. Of course he's willing to go to marriage counseling. Because that means he will have to get off his lazy ass and find a job and not have you pay his bills. But don't you find it odd that all of this is at the 11th hour? Where was he when you wanted him to do this throughout your marriage? When my relationship was on its last legs, my bf allegedly had to go to the hospital because he fell at work. I didn't go see him. Then he had some other alleged medical emergency. I couldn't have cared less. Do you see the correlation? Your H is pulling out all the stops to get you to stay with him.

Continue with your plans. Without him. He should get individual counseling. For himself. He's got alot to fix. 

What I quoted above tells you all you need to know. I get it--I remember when I looked at an apartment in secret while I was still with my abusive bf. There was a 1 year wait list!!! I remember thinking, this could be all mine-no broken dishes, no holes in the walls, no more supporting his no-job-having-ass, no more living in fear. this truly could be all mine. Heaven. Then I returned home and was so depressed. I cried alot. That was the beginning of the end thank goodness.

I didn't last another year with him. Kicked him out (it was MY house) and lived there alone until the apartment was available a year later.

Let those feelings of peace and excitement propel you forward to your new life. You are SO CLOSE. Please dont let him move in with you. Youd be dragging that albatross around your neck with you. Just dont. You'll have the same set of problems if you brought him with you--only in a new place.

Do you belong to a church? Can your fellow members help move? Can you afford to pay ancouple of college boys to do it for you? Whatever you do, when it comes time to actually move, please have someone, perhaps your daughter, anyone, be present. I have a feeling he's going to get violent. Does he know where your new place is?

And when you start to feel guilty, just look at the bruises and scrapes he gave you just a few days ago when he pushed you.

You can do it. You ARE doing it!


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## She'sStillGotIt

solost12 said:


> He is very on board with wanting to move now. Said he’s willing to go to marriage counseling.


LOL. I'm sure he's "willing" to do just about anything to keep that Gravy Train rolling. What a freakin phony and opportunist. 

Of course he's 'ready to move and will get therapy.' What other choice does he HAVE? His choices are #1: be a lazy, shiftless, worthless burden to YOU while you support him, or 2#: be a lazy, shiftless, worthless burden to society and we the tax payers support him (golly I'd love that). But the difference is, _you_ do everything ELSE for Mr. Worthless like cook his meals, do his laundry, clean his house, and chew his food for him, so of COURSE he'd choose* you* over us taxpayers. And if he has to drag his ass to some joke of a therapist for an hour a week and nod his head 'yes' and pretend to be healing, then that's what he'll do. 

He's a parasite but he's not letting his meal ticket go. For him, glomming onto you is like staying in a hotel where he never has to pay a damned dime and he gets everything done for him by you! What's not to like about that? Hell, *I* want in on that deal.



> Not saying he’s coming but what about marriage counseling?


Come on. Stop grasping at straws. Some therapist isn't the magical answer to your dysfunctional marriage. 

Why is it *so* hard for you to just ONCE, put yourself *first? *Why does everything have to be all about you constantly climbing down into the mud pit and slinging his dead weight onto your shoulders and dragging this loser through life with you like you've done for YEARS because he can't do it on his own? Who appointed YOU his life babysitter and guardian angel? 

Enough already.

Do NOT be foolish enough to drag this parasite with you to your new place! He's a damned GROWN UP, just like you, just like all of us on this board, so why do you keep acting like he's a 9 year old boy who needs his mommy?


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## solost12

My thinking is that he won't be on strike forever? He's always done his half with paying bills, cleaning, cooking, etc. so that's why I questioned it...because he's never mooched off of me. He just is on strike.

Thank you so much for saying what you did with regards to your situation and how you were excited, etc. It's crazy how many women like us go through the same situations and feelings and sad. It's all sad. I thought the same yesterday. No worries, no fear, etc. but then I also had I'm going to have this place all to myself and enjoy it with who? I just know I'm going to feel so lonely. 

So I was stricken with that. I've always wanted us to live in a place like that. Amazing amenities, walking distance to a really nice shopping center, etc. So yes, I'm sad about that then I thought to myself. Maybe we need a change in environment? I know you all don't agree. Just sharing my thought process. 

I know about same set of problems. That's what I have been thinking too but again the what if? New place, new experience? 

But again, he's always worked and taken care of his stuff..just cant' now cause on strike...so I haven't been a gravy train

He feels horrible about what he did...he said he can't believe that happened and he didn't know I fell to the side...that he only intended to move me out of the way..he cried and said thank God nothing else happened like broken bone..I'm so sorry...I can't say sorry enough...

The therapy of course threw me off although I thought suspicious...he did say if we go, "you're probably going to do all of the talking" and said but I'm willing to give it a shot because what does that hurt? 

I don't know why it's so hard? I mean, this is the farthest I've ever gotten...so I'm proud of that...I just am sad..I'm going to miss the good him...A LOT

Then like where I'm moving by is a super hot spot and I'm so afraid to run into him there doing all that I loved about him with some new girl...

I don't want to seem like a mom...just all of this was thrown his way suddenly..like final decision in a day and moving within three you know? and I don't like to kick people when they're down...because there were times I needed him and I was down and he was there for me you know?

That's all...

Then my brother and daughter said well if he's agreeing to therapy? But they don't know about the past physical abuse...so that made me say hmmm? I know doesnt' justify...again sharing my thoughts...

Thank you ALL for being here...I couldn't be where I am now without this board...not fully there but better!


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## lucy999

Will you do me a favor? Tell your brother about the physical abuse. Show him what your H did a few days ago. And tell your daughter ALL of it. They will change their tune. At least, they should. 

Marriage counseling is a moot point. He should be fixing himself. Anger management therapy, for starters. And what does it tell you when he said that you would do all the talking in marriage counseling? How rude! Here he is, telling you he will go at the 11th hour, and then makes some smartass comment in the same breath? Come on.

No, a change of scenery with him is not what you need. Without him? Yes. Listen, my former bf and I moved a handful of times because he wanted to live in the country on some land. Each time we moved, it was getting closer to that (his) goal. Hell, I bought a house in the country!!! That's not to say I didn't enjoy it. It was beautiful. But it meant a 40-minute commute each way to work for me. It was rough. All in all, I did it for him because I thought it would calm him--make him happy, thereby stopping the abuse. Wrong. I was secluded and boy did he take advantage of that. No, you change YOUR scenery. Without him. Your problems (him) will follow you if you were to suddenly win the lotto and live in a palace. Venue doesn't matter. You know the saying,"No matter where you go, there you are"? That applies here.

And he knew what he was doing when he pushed you. He is lying. You do realize that, right?

I know the fear of being alone. But I am here to tell you, you will be downright giddy once this is all over. Please trust me on this.

Let someone else have him. Along with the bruises and fear. Along with the messed up relationship he has with his ex wife and daughter. 

In two days' time, you will be free! Don't look back. Stop thinking what if. I'm the end of the horrid story. Believe me. Life is wonderful.


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## 3Xnocharm

NO marriage counseling. NO what-ifs. NO moving him and your issues with you. Just NO. Keep moving forward on your own, and dont look back, there is nothing there for you.

Oh, and dont you DARE give him a key to your place! Tell him no dropping by and no phone calls, communicate from there on out by text and email only and make sure you save every single correspondence.


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## Tilted 1

solost12 said:


> My thinking is that he won't be on strike forever? He's always done his half with paying bills, cleaning, cooking, etc. so that's why I questioned it...because he's never mooched off of me. He just is on strike.
> 
> Thank you so much for saying what you did with regards to your situation and how you were excited, etc. It's crazy how many women like us go through the same situations and feelings and sad. It's all sad. I thought the same yesterday. No worries, no fear, etc. but then I also had I'm going to have this place all to myself and enjoy it with who? I just know I'm going to feel so lonely.
> 
> 
> I don't know why it's so hard? I mean, this is the farthest I've ever gotten...so I'm proud of that...I just am sad..I'm going to miss the good him...A LOT
> 
> Then like where I'm moving by is a super hot spot and I'm so afraid to run into him there doing all that I loved about him with some new girl...
> 
> I don't want to seem like a mom...just all of this was thrown his way suddenly..like final decision in a day and moving within three you know? and I don't like to kick people when they're down...because there were times I needed him and I was down and he was there for me you know?
> 
> That's all...
> !


Your only human.


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## Anastasia6

I've held off replying til now. But I've been reading. I'd like to add one more voice to DO NOT LET him move with you. You shouldn't have even told him where it is located or the apartment number. You are not being selfish. He is not going to change.

I don't think you should consider therapy or counseling with this man. Counseling individually for you so you can learn to be comfortable with yourself manage to live alone for a little while. Learn to set healthy boundaries.

If you fall for any of his lies about changing. Then let him change in the old place. He doesn't have to live with you to change. If you want to spend time with him spend it at his place. Do NOT ever let him come to yours. Do not give him a key. Keep your safe haven.

Of course and I can't stress this enough, I DO NOT THink you should continue with ANY kind of contact with this man. Move out, file for divorce, block all contact. Learn to love yourself and life. A different better partner will be along after you learn to love yourself.


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## solost12

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*

Thank you! I know I shouldn’t have told him where but remember I considered it . Now I’m panicking about that.

I just remembered that his ex had a restraining order because he hit her towards the end cause she was cheating. 

So the history is there which is pushing me even more. 

Now because he thinks the option to move is there he’s been packing and throwing things away and is expecting to help me move cause I have no help. I’m afraid to say anything.

Our landlord said he has the option to stay till the end of the month so can I use that as a Segway into getting away? 

He knows where I’m going which again super worried about. Help there?

Please offer help here. I really don’t know how else to approach. 

On top of this mess I have caught bronchitis. Timing! 

P.S. My landlord knows I’m moving “alone” and said “good for you”. Wow! He said he’s never met anyone as careless that didn’t communicate like my husband. 

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## solost12

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*

Deleted because duplicate post from above


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## lucy999

Is your brother in town?

That your husband is expecting to move with you is extremely dangerous territory. You can't be alone with him anymore and you can't have him help you move.

Your daughter needs to help you.

You havent answered my questions. Do you belong to a church? Can they help?

Contact the local battered women's shelter. Ask for help. You've got to get busy immediately and get some resources for yourself. Moving day is tomorrow. 

But I have this sinking feeling you're going to let him move with you. Surely there's some resources to help you? Why havent you checked into these? Or have you?


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## 3Xnocharm

Why exactly does he think there is an option to move???


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## solost12

Lucy999:

Why is it dangerous territory? I don't understand.

The reason he knows is because when I told him about it I had mentioned how I thought that maybe a change of environment would be good, etc. and then he said no thanks because of his daughter. I wrote it all in previous posts.

What to do?

No I don't belong to a church. I have him, my brother, my daughter and her girlfriend. 

He already knows I'm moving and where..do you suggest I just let him help and tell him to keep his stuff there? Because at first time apart will be good and he can stay in our current home until the end of the month and then I can take it with him from there?


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## 3Xnocharm

He should NOT help you move. He can stay exactly where he is, with his own stuff, and if he wants to move when the lease is up, he FINDS HIS OWN PLACE and moves his own stuff!!


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## solost12

Ok. I hear you. I'm going to try but I really don't have other help. Still asking around.


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## lucy999

solost12 said:


> Lucy999:
> 
> Why is it dangerous territory? I don't understand.
> 
> The reason he knows is because when I told him about it I had mentioned how I thought that maybe a change of environment would be good, etc. and then he said no thanks because of his daughter. I wrote it all in previous posts.
> 
> What to do?
> 
> No I don't belong to a church. I have him, my brother, my daughter and her girlfriend.
> 
> He already knows I'm moving and where..do you suggest I just let him help and tell him to keep his stuff there? Because at first time apart will be good and he can stay in our current home until the end of the month and then I can take it with him from there?


Is he moving with you or not? Have you decided? If he isn't, it's dangerous territory for him to be believing that he is--packing and throwing things away in anticipation of the move. You are giving him mixed signals. And given his propensity for violence, this is a powder keg. Have you told him in no uncertain terms you are moving alone? At this late date, I'm not sure if it's wise. Because I'm afraid he will hurt you. That's why I and others advised getting help from a shelter to devise an exit plan. I'm not qualified to help you in that regard and I don't want any harm to come to you. I do think that you should have your daughter stay in the house with you until you've moved out . It's only for tonight.

Do not let him help you. He will expect that you are taking him with you. Where is your brother and daughter? They need to come into your house, swoop in and pack, especially since you're sick (I recently had bronchitis and it's terrible!) and get you the **** out of there. 

I feel like you aren't seeing the urgency and gravity of the situation. You don't have movers lined up, you are moving tomorrow and you're still packing. Your brother and daughter are going to help you, right?

Don't make any promises to your husband right now. You must concentrate on you. He can take care of himself. 

I'm not going to judge or be mad if you change your mind. I'm here to support you and help you. Tell me what is going on.


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## solost12

lucy999 said:


> Is he moving with you or not? Have you decided? If he isn't, it's dangerous territory for him to be believing that he is--packing and throwing things away in anticipation of the move. You are giving him mixed signals. And given his propensity for violence, this is a powder keg. Have you told him in no uncertain terms you are moving alone? At this late date, I'm not sure if it's wise. Because I'm afraid he will hurt you. That's why I and others advised getting help from a shelter to devise an exit plan. I'm not qualified to help you in that regard and I don't want any harm to come to you. I do think that you should have your daughter stay in the house with you until you've moved out . It's only for tonight.
> 
> Do not let him help you. He will expect that you are taking him with you. Where is your brother and daughter? They need to come into your house, swoop in and pack, especially since you're sick (I recently had bronchitis and it's terrible!) and get you the **** out of there.
> 
> I feel like you aren't seeing the urgency and gravity of the situation. You don't have movers lined up, you are moving tomorrow and you're still packing. Your brother and daughter are going to help you, right?
> 
> Don't make any promises to your husband right now. You must concentrate on you. He can take care of himself.
> 
> I'm not going to judge or be mad if you change your mind. I'm here to support you and help you. Tell me what is going on.


I mean, I feel like I decided but I'm torn. I know it sounds crazy and I'm not sure if it's cause I feel guilty? I don't have anyone else to help. That is the truth. I'm trying my best here.


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## lucy999

Why can't your brother and daughter help?


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## 3Xnocharm

solost12 said:


> I mean, I feel like I decided but I'm torn. I know it sounds crazy and I'm not sure if it's cause I feel guilty? I don't have anyone else to help. That is the truth. I'm trying my best here.


You letting him move in with you defeats the entire purpose of you moving in the first place! Also keep in mind that it would mean the daughter follows him too, who you ALSO dont want around! Leave stuff behind if you cant find someone ELSE to help you, you can always replace STUFF but you cannot buy freedom and peace of mind!


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## solost12

My brother and daughter are helping. I'm moving a lot of stuff. King sized bed, sofa, table, etc. and lots of boxes. 

I know about defeating but he knows that his daughter would not be allowed to live there full time. This I told him.


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## 3Xnocharm

The point is that you are supposed to be getting away from your abuser! Why do we seem to care more about you and your well being than you do? Snap out of it girl, and get away from him.


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## lucy999

I am relieved to hear that your brother And daughter are helping you move. What a relief.

I can't think of anything more I can say That would not make me sound like a broken record. I wish you all the best in your move and I hope that you do find peace. Because you certainly deserve it. Please take care.


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## solost12

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*

Thank you. Well I got home and I try to use the why don’t we give it a week or so or until the end of the lease that way you and I have some space and we can figure it out. And he got upset and said whatever fine I’ll just stay here if that’s what you really want me to do. I just went to go pick up my keys and he’s gone. So He just called and he went up the street to go to the bar to meet some of his friends.

And I cannot believe that I am sitting here sobbing uncontrollably like a baby because I’m so sad about everything and you would think that him being gone right now and ghosting me I would’ve felt relieved but I actually felt fear for a second. Fear that I was losing him. And I know it’s all very irrational. I keep praying that something to change my mentality. But this is so hard. I can’t even express all the different emotions I’m going through even though I know what I’m supposed to do. Like I know that I’m supposed to be moving out without him and I want to move without him but my feelings are keeping me stuck in a place. I keep thinking I’m going to miss him. I’m just so over the place I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t believe I feel this way. 

Please keep talking to me here because I really need it. Thank you again.


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## Prodigal

To begin with, remind yourself that your husband has abused you to the point where you are going to move. At the present time, he is not treating you with respect. He needs to take responsibility for that. You can't make him. If he SHOWS you he is willing to change, then consider taking him back sometime in the future. 

However, you CAN control your emotions to some degree. Why are you so afraid of being alone or lonely? What is it about yourself you don't like? Because wherever you go, YOU will always be there. I think you've allowed your focus to be on other people for validation. Do you think you're going to miss him because you are dependent on him to give some sort of structure to your life (even if it's chaotic and dysfunctional)?

If you really want to have a better life and feel better about yourself - with or without a man - you need to start looking at WHAT is motivating you. Ultimately only you have any control about what you think and feel. Take the first step by asking yourself what motivates you to have a meltdown at the thought of not having a man in your life. Even when that man is hurting you.


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## solost12

Prodigal you maje very valid points. I have always needed validation from a man. Have always felt the need to have approval in general. I have even been affected by dirty looks or comments from strangers. When I hear something negative about my looks which I have from people I don’t know before I feel horrible. Even though I also hear I’m super pretty and attractive. 

I remember when my husband and I first started dating if I didn’t hear from him or he didn’t text I cried. Then felt relieved when he called. This wasn’t only with him but other men I was really into.

My boyfriend before him was a jerk. Very controlling. Never hit me. Just bratty and controlling. We went to a party once and because I didn’t wanna have a three some (crazy), he spit in my face and told me to get away. When I got my implants he made me show them to a group of friends and I didn’t want to. Made me feel dirty. I stayed after that. Not for long but it was because he wanted out of the relationship. So I was willing to stay.

Then it was more with my husband because he’s so handsome and charming and so fun. We connected and still do on some levels. So I was really extra smitten with him.

I feel really insecure and disrespected by so many people in my life. From men at work staring at my breast which I’m getting implants removed. Got those cause I was insecure and regret it. Men will look at them like while talking to me like I can’t see them. It makes me feel very dirty. 

Once my ex fiancé friend cornered me at a party and grabbed my crotch and I didn’t say anything. Felt frozen and numb. Told my fiancé and he didn’t believe me. Felt so violated and dirty.

When I was in mid twenties out with a group of friends one of them (make)
Slapped me in the face for nothing and I didn’t say anything. Felt frozen, ashamed and numb.

These are just some examples of being mistreated in life and feeling horrible.

I also, for some reason, associate things with sex. Like talked about banana with some people at work and felt after like do they feel weird cause I brought up a banana and are they thinking inappropriate because of how they reacted?

When I walk in the office sometimes because my breast are so big I get lots of stares and I feel bad like I come across as ****ty. 

I don’t know where this comes from.

So yes, all true. I don’t know why. This all makes me feel because I’m
So insecure, needy, possibly ugly from random people’s comments (not much like once or twice) that I’m a handful and lucky to have my husband.



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## Prodigal

The point of my last post was to ask you to look inside yourself to figure out why you need so much validation. Until you are ready to do the hard work of figuring out who YOU are and what YOU want, you'll continue to live a half-life. I don't think you are necessarily afraid to be alone. I think you are afraid to be alone with yourself.

You allow others to debase you and treat you abusively. Again, you need to figure out why you tolerate such behavior. Saying "I don't know why" is a cop out and dooms you to repeat it.

Somewhere, sometime in your life you got the message - and believed it - that you are crap. You need to be reprogrammed to learn this is not true. But you also need to go through the pain of ridding yourself of your husband. He's just one more in a string of abusers.

Change is difficult. Change hurts. But it doesn't hurt any worse than what you've put up with thus far. Until you can believe that, this cycle will continue. Seriously.


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## Anastasia6

Did you get moved. Did you leave him at the other place? Are you ok?


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## solost12

Hi everyone. Yes, I’m ok. All moved in. Still have lots to get situated but the place is beautiful. I feel safe here which I never did in that house. Apartments have always been my thing so I’m happy to be in an extra awesome one! One that I’ve always wanted to live in but couldn’t afford and had bad credit. I’ve come far there so I feel proud. 

There are So many friendly people and so many cute puppies around! It’s a pet friendly community so lots of people walking dogs. This makes me happy! 

He’s not with me. He did help me though along with my brother and daughter and her girlfriend. It’s was tough but we made it happen and honestly don’t know how I could have done it with his help.

My daughter is here so I feel ok but once she leaves I sense I’m going to have a moment. I’m content but so scared and sad. I miss him already. These are just my honest feelings. 

But I’m here. I took another step which I NEVER thought I would.

I feel like this is going to kill me.


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## 3Xnocharm

It’s not going to kill you I promise. It’s going to build you. It’s ok to have a moment. But don’t let it make you do anything stupid. 

Good for you!



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## Anastasia6

Glad to hear you're safe and enjoying your new apartment. 


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## solost12

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*

Thank you! He just texted me and asked if he could stay here on my couch tonight. That he wants to watch tv and theres no cable at our old house. I don’t understand why. He’s not homeless he has two beds and food and in our old place till the end of the month. 

I don’t like him asking me that because I feel bad. Like he’s asking for what reason? I don’t even know what to say to him. 


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## 3Xnocharm

You say NO!!!


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## Anastasia6

You tell him no. He doesn't need a reason. 
If you want to give him one say well I don't think we should be together it just complicates the divorce. Or I'd prefer not to hang out with the guy who 'moved' me so hard I'm all bruised.


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## solost12

Hello:

I did tell him that I’m going to pass on that because I just want to be alone right now and just want some peace and quiet. I did say that we could meet for breakfast to talk about things and figure out the rest of the items at the house and what he’s going to do. I know that was probably not the right thing to do.

I know that he moved me out of the way and pushed me and I fell and got all of these bruises but for some reason I keep thinking to myself he’s probably really upset because I haven’t been very upset accepting of his children And I feel like maybe if I was this wouldn’t have happened? Also, I feel like he probably resents me for some arguments that we have had a disagreement over his children so he probably thinks I just hate them on top of that not letting him be the man of the house with my controlling ways. So I just honestly feel bad because he is my husband and I have an always been very supportive of him. So now he is jobless, childless temporarily until they come and visit here and there, has a home but his wife does not live with him, he wants to come live with his wife but she’s hesitant, and is left without utilities cable things like that to keep him busy or keep his mind off of things because that’s what he likes to do is watch TV he gets lost it, so I just feel really bad it’s just in my nature.

Can all of you tell me or make me feel better about the fact that I feel like I have a been a supportive life and just left him on his ass without even giving therapy a try?

Also super sad about the fact that he gets along with everyone so much and is so fun. Like people gravitate to him especially my family and brother So it was hard to see that yesterday because I’ve never had a man who understands my culture loves my culture relates to my family and my brother so well.

Again, just feel bad.

And a more positive note, I love my new place so much! It’s not even completely situated but I only have a little more to go it should be done by the end of the day today. I slept like a baby last night Despite feeling super sick with this bronchitis which I’m hoping I will heal from soon. 


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## 3Xnocharm

He abuses you. Nothing else to see here, end of story. Drop the guilt and maybe get pissed off instead if that’s what you need. Stop being so damn nice and overly accommodating to someone who won’t even acknowledge he hurt you! He doesn’t give a damn about you, so stop giving anything at all to him. 




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## solost12

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*

All over him saying his 14 year old MIGHT move in with us? It was just talk.

I wanted to add that to my post above.

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## solost12

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*

Was my controlling of the matter or making him feel guilty about his children or making him feel like less of a man? Any of that abuse on my end? 

I did throw a glass of wine in his face once. Also, when I would want to talk and he wouldn’t want to I would push it even when he walked away. A few times (well many times cause he never wants to talk) I kept nagging to talk and followed him outside and he rushed into me saying leave him alone he doesn’t want to talk and because I fell into the door I went to hit him because I was defending myself because I was afraid he’d hurt me. Because of past physical I was scared. He used to say he also felt I was talking over him if I was standing up while he was sitting down or If I had my hands on my waste. He would get defensive and mad. I guess I just want to know because sometimes I feel like I may have been abusive as well. Not trying to justify it, just wanted to give reassurance that what I was doing wasn’t bad. Because that’s what keeps me going back to all of this back-and-forth.

He did acknowledge he hurt me and apologized a ton. When I said though as I was moving out that I’m sad that we can’t be together because I have fear of you and because of the fact that you can snap at any given moment even over the disagreement of or in a conversation about his children and with me setting a boundary. That I’ve seen movies or read stories and all of these things about bad things happening to people and that I don’t feel secure. His response was again I said that I’m sorry again I said it would never happen again. So which I responded with you’ve said that before what makes me think that it’s going to be different now? He responded with I don’t know how else to reassure you.


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## hubbyintrubby

It really is all about what you feel like you can live with. If you feel like you can safely live with a man that pushes you around and bruises you, then apologizes after he does so, that is a decision for you to make. It's not one many around here would make, but I'm sure a few insecure, frightened souls would. It really is what you can live with and be at peace with in your own soul.


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## 3Xnocharm

Why in the world are you pushing so damn hard to make this all your fault? You need serious therapy to work on your issues, I hope you find help. 



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## Prodigal

Consider this: You BOTH made mistakes in the marriage. I see no point in keeping a score card on who did what to who.

Did it occur to you that this wasn't a good relationship for either one of you? That, over time, it deteriorated? 

Instead of being wracked with guilt, why don't you just own what is yours to own, get professional help, and start moving towards a better life?

Way too much drama as it now stands ….


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## Cynthia

Self defense is the only reason for violence. Please realize that no matter what you may or may not have done, him pushing you down and hurting you is WAY out of line. We don't perpetrate violence against people because we're upset with something they said or did. That is never acceptable. 

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## Blondilocks

Before you get with another partner, it would behoove you to improve your style of communicating. Your hammering at him does not justify him 'moving you out of the way'. But, it does get on peoples' nerves.


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## solost12

Blondilocks said:


> Before you get with another partner, it would behoove you to improve your style of communicating. Your hammering at him does not justify him 'moving you out of the way'. But, it does get on peoples' nerves.




I’ve tried every way of taxiing to him. He won’t talk. I’ve tried in letters, emails, in person, calmly, etc. so is it me or the fact that he doesn’t want to communicate? Now I’m feeling in the wrong again.


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## hubbyintrubby

solost12 said:


> I’ve tried every way of taxiing to him. He won’t talk. I’ve tried in letters, emails, in person, calmly, etc. so is it me or the fact that he doesn’t want to communicate? Now I’m feeling in the wrong again.


It's him. Not you. You need to give yourself a break. This among many other things....is on HIM.


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## 3Xnocharm

Leave him alone and stop over analyzing everything. Find something else to occupy your mind, like getting your apartment in order and filing for divorce. Stop giving him so much power over your every thought and movement! He isn’t worthy!




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## Blondilocks

solost12 said:


> I’ve tried every way of taxiing to him. He won’t talk. I’ve tried in letters, emails, in person, calmly, etc. so is it me or the fact that he doesn’t want to communicate? Now I’m feeling in the wrong again.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It looks like he doesn't want to communicate.


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## solost12

I agree on the power thing. Again, just feel horrible for walking out on him when he’s down. Like I could have done it when he was still working and his kids were here. I do all of this when he’s at his lowest. Can you help me feel better about that? 

Cause I think that’s what I’m stuck on. And feeling bad for doing this over his kid although there’s many reasons I know why. 


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> I agree on the power thing. Again, just feel horrible for walking out on him when he’s down. Like I could have done it when he was still working and his kids were here. I do all of this when he’s at his lowest. Can you help me feel better about that?


Honestly, NO. Nobody out here in cyberspace can really help you to feel better.

YOU RELINQUISH RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN FEELINGS BY ASKING EVERYONE - AND ANYONE - TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO/HOW TO FEEL/HOW TO REACT/HOW TO BEHAVE.

So I'll give it to you blunt and straight up: You behave like a child. Children have little control when their parents are in charge. They fall down, they cry, mommy kisses their boo-boo and tells them it will be okay. They are afraid of the dark and have bad dreams, mommy and daddy tell them it will be okay.

This isn't about your bum of a husband or the others who have abused you. This is about you behaving like an emotional child. You don't actually listen to any advice you are given. You always revert to the "Oh my god, I'm having a meltdown!!!!!" "I'm freaking out!!!!!" Guess what? You are playing the martyr/helpless-hapless victim because there is some sort of emotional payoff for you.

You can glom onto someone who will define you. You can glom onto someone who will treat you like crap so you can continue to martyr yourself. You can glom onto someone so they can solve your issues and problems.

PLEASE REALIZE YOU NEED TO GROW UP. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL HAPPEED TO YOU TO MAKE YOU AN EMOTIONALLY-STUNTED HUMAN BEING.

And, for the sake of all that is holy, would you just STOP freaking out for one second, get ahold of yourself, and at least try to behave like a grown woman who actually has some control over her own life???? JEESH!


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## solost12

Prodigal that is a tad harsh. He used to tell me I was like a 4 year old sometimes so this is hard to here and I even more now feel like I’m wrong, I’m not a catch and am lucky to have him. I feel like crap even more. I’m a pain and understand now why he’s so frustrated. 

I screwed up. 

And I will get help. 


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## hubbyintrubby

solost12 said:


> Prodigal that is a tad harsh. He used to tell me I was like a 4 year old sometimes so this is hard to here and I even more now feel like I’m wrong, I’m not a catch and am lucky to have him. I feel like crap even more. I’m a pain and understand now why he’s so frustrated.
> 
> I screwed up.
> 
> And I will get help.


Harsh, yes...but nothing else seems to be working. You are not wrong. What you are is lacking any kind of confidence whatsoever. @Prodigal is laying it out for you very bluntly because nothing else is seeming to get through. 

You are not wrong.

You are a catch.

Mostly.......you are NOT lucky to have him.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enjoy your new apartment, don't respond to his texts and get to lawyer and start paperwork. In 1 year you will be so so glad you did.


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## solost12

Hi. So I’m having a really hard time. Can’t stop crying. Having a major weak moment. I talked to him and saw him to get a few things and again feel so guilty for leaving him when he’s jobless but I didn’t really. Like I paid for half of the rent and left two beds, the dining table and all of the food and a few other things. So he’s covered until the end of the month with all of that. I also gave him $40 and brought him breakfast and cigarettes for helping me move. Just feel like a really unsupportive and selfish wife.

He acted super annoyed at first and then warned up.

Thing that is getting me is that he’s not even fighting for us. Like I would think that with his wife moving out and the seriousness of that end pending divorce he would be trying to win me back. 

And he went out tonight to watch the football game at the bar with who knows who. He never really went out when we lived together but he is now. Again, instead of trying to win me back or show me that he wants to change. It’s total opposite. 

What is that all about? A game play?

My emotions are a roller coaster right now and instead of feeling stronger I’m feeling weaker and feeling like I made a mistake. I can’t help how I feel.

But I don’t get any of how he’s acting or why I’m feeling such a mess.


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## 3Xnocharm

Why the **** do you want him to try and "win you back"?? BACK TO WHAT?? More abuse?? Nothing is going to change, why in the world cant you see that? You finally did the right thing for yourself, and look what you are doing TO YOURSELF. You need to cut contact with him, you are never going to heal or move forward as long as you keep clinging onto this waste of time. 

The only mistake you made here is that you didnt leave sooner!


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## Cynthia

You're crying and upset because your marriage failed and because you wanted your marriage to work. It is natural to be upset, but that doesn't mean you should go back to him. It means you need to give yourself time to grieve. Contact with your husband will only prolong your pain. 

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## 3Xnocharm

@solost12, are you ok?


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## solost12

Hi yes I’m ok. Just processing things. He has stayed here a few nights and starting to make himself comfy and at home. I said ok for a few nights but he’s left clothes here and stuff. I know I’m doing the wrong thing but it’s so hard for me. I told my daughter every night tat I wish I was alone cause the whole point of moving here was to Leave but my guilt has set in because he has nothing, still on Strike and can’t find under the table work making no more than $240 a week. So I feel bad cause he’s my husband. 

I let his older sister know everything that has happened because they know how he can be and her response was “wow sounds like satan is working overtime”. Um that’s all you have to say? Guess him and his family are unable to talk.

So yes, I’m on and not ok. I feel so dumb and so mad at myself for allowing all of this to happen and then disrespect myself on top of it all.

Now I screwed up and don’t know what to do. Please take it easy on me. I know what I did was wrong and I don’t know what to do now.


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## 3Xnocharm

I figured as much. Sorry to hear, best of luck my friend.


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## Blondilocks

I suggest you get busy making room for his daughter who will be living with you shortly.


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> I know I’m doing the wrong thing but it’s so hard for me.
> 
> my guilt has set in
> 
> I feel so dumb and so mad at myself for allowing all of this to happen and then disrespect myself on top of it all.
> 
> Now I screwed up and don’t know what to do.
> 
> I know what I did was wrong and I don’t know what to do now.


Sadlly, ^^THIS^^ indicates to me that you do know what you're doing. You've allowed him to move in. He'll be a permanent fixture in no time.


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## solost12

There’s no way in hell that his daughter is moving in. That is not going to happen ever. That I promise. I don’t want him here now. It’s cause I feel bad for him. This is  honesty. If he had money coming in it would be different.

It’s guilt and feeling bad taking over. 


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> It’s guilt and feeling bad taking over.


There is actually very little we control in life. About the only things that come to mind are our thoughts and our feelings ...


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## Openminded

And all so sadly predictable.


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## Blondilocks

You're doing exactly what you want to do. If you didn't want to do it, you wouldn't be. Please spare your daughter and your brother your fake angst - they have their own lives and their own problems. You can only go to the well of human kindness so many times before it dries up.


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## solost12

There’s no way in hell that his daughter is moving in. That is not going to happen ever. That I promise. I don’t want him here now. It’s cause I feel bad for him. This is  honesty. If he had money coming in it would be different.

It’s guilt and feeling bad taking over. 


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## Blondilocks

Did he ever feel bad about shoving his bratty daughters down your throat? Are you responsible for his employment situation? If the answer is no, then you're looking for excuses.


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## solost12

No. We are having another argument because I said the daughter that you want to live with us hasn’t called or texted or anything. After everything I’ve done. She’s “so busy” that she can’t do that? But you expect me to have her live with us?

He said is she here? I said no but why? Why is she not here? If she could be you would have her here against what I think. Her moving here isn’t a need it’s a want. In a marriage it’s God, husband, wife then kids and their needs. That’s what he specifically told me when we first moved in together. Why different now? 

Her wanting to move here is bratty and a want and a whim which he’s always catered too. NOT a need. He’s catered to ever want and whim of those kids and his ex wife for years and I had to sit back and watch it all. She’s not homeless or starving. In fact she’s living better then us in a mansion surrounded by palm trees! She’s never happy and will want to leave again. He’s ALWAYS given into those kids. 

So he said it’s my fault that his bratty daughter isn’t here cause I’m indecisive and volatile. I said yep my fault. It’s always my fault. Like I’m just supposed to continue on as the 4th woman in your life cause your two daughters are 1st. You know the ones that who pay no mind to him or anyone. They manipulate him and treat him like crap.

I’m so tired of being the one to blame for everything. There are reasons for this on top of everything else. But he still isn’t capable.

He won’t talk. Just goes in circles. 

This is probably why I’m still in the same boat. Cause of guilt and him making me feel like I’m such a bad person and everything is my fault.


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## Cynthia

solost12 said:


> No. We are having another argument because I said the daughter that you want to live with us hasn’t called or texted or anything. After everything I’ve done. She’s “so busy” that she can’t do that? But you expect me to have her live with us?


This conversation in saying that you two are living together right now. You say you don't want him there, yet you use this kind of language that tells him he is living with you. You have control over yourself. You decide what to allow or not allow. You are blaming this on feeling guilty, but guilt isn't causing this, you are. This is you who is doing this not an emotion, which doesn't have the ability to do anything.


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## solost12

You’re so right. I’m just having a weak moment. He did talk a bit but. So yes, I need to get angry again.

Now I have to get him out of here. He only has two outfits and no key. 

What do you suggest? I need to stay on here to stay strong. 


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> Now I have to get him out of here. He only has two outfits and no key.
> 
> What do you suggest? I need to stay on here to stay strong.


What would I suggest other than getting into therapy ASAP? Well, you could neatly wash/press his two outfits, put them in a bag, and leave them at your front door.

Or would that, too, elicit more rending of garments and tossing ashes over your head while saying, "I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do!"


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## lifeistooshort

I'm getting the feeling that part of you likes the drama and likes being a victim.

Being a victim is a comfortable place because everything is done to you and you don't control anything so ultimately you can't actually be held accountable for anything.

It's a childish attitude.

You should get some therapy to deal with this.


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## RebuildingMe

One thing I know for sure, when people say they have one foot out the door, they usually don’t. 21 pages later, still in the same spot.


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## Prodigal

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm getting the feeling that part of you *likes the drama and likes being a victim*.
> 
> Being a victim is a comfortable place because everything is done to you and *you don't control anything so ultimately you can't actually be held accountable for anything.*
> 
> *It's a childish attitude*.
> 
> You should get some therapy to deal with this.


If I could "like" this a million times, I would. Because this is precisely what conclusion I've finally come to. This sounds like a child carrying on in order not to accept responsibility. It is also a perfect example of the victim mentality coupled with a drama junkie.

Thank you @lifeistooshort for cutting right to the meat of the matter.


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## lifeistooshort

Prodigal said:


> If I could "like" this a million times, I would. Because this is precisely what conclusion I've finally come to. This sounds like a child carrying on in order not to accept responsibility. It is also a perfect example of the victim mentality coupled with a drama junkie.
> 
> Thank you @lifeistooshort for cutting right to the meat of the matter.


I truly hope soloist doesn't feel like my post was mean spirited. It wasn't meant to be.....but I have no doubt its tough to hear.

Acknowledging what's going on is the first step of dealing with it and I truly want better for her then what she has.

And frankly, even though her husband is an abusive bum she'd be well rid of I suspect she's not easy to deal with. Just reading her posts detailing how she follows him around and *****es at him to try to force him to engage in her drama is tiring. These two are not compatible, yet she's hell bent on *****ing him into engaging her and being compatible with her.

He doesn't want to engage yet she won't let up.

Feeds the drama.

If anything I've said is wrong I welcome OP's correction.


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## solost12

Why is it my drama that he’s engaging with? I have simply tried to get my husband to hear me and have a normal conversation about important issues without him dismissing what I feel or storming off. We have never had a normal conversation that was talked through to the end, ever.

So I guess I’m wondering why it’s not the other way around?

Knowing I’m not easy to deal with just makes me feel like it’s me and I should stick around because who will want to tolerate my drama and needing to talk? 


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## Openminded

Nothing will change, despite all the advice you get here and elsewhere, until you make it change.


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## solost12

Hello:

Yes, I know. Thinking more about victim mentality, aren’t I a victim of years of abuse? Now again, I’m questioning if it’s me with the issues.

Of course I don’t like drama. I’m just stuck in a cycle. When I feel stronger and then here from some of you I’m
Hard to deal with, it makes me feel Luke I’m the issue in the marriage so I stay. Makes me question what if I change, etc.?

I know this is frustrating for some of you but I’m trying my best. 


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## Blondilocks

Let's go with this for a minute. What if you are the issue in the marriage? All that tells me is that you two are not compatible. You can not force a square peg into a round hole. Stop trying.


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> I have simply tried to get my husband to hear me and have a normal conversation about important issues without him dismissing what I feel or storming off. We have never had a normal conversation that was talked through to the end, ever.


Then quit trying.


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## Openminded

As long as you continue to find excuses to stay with him, you'll stay. 

You need to work on you.


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## solost12

Hi-yes I know. I have serious work to do. He’s been staying here. Of course he’s been good, taking care of me, etc. with the exception of a few nights where he drank too much which really upset me. But I just want to be alone. Something just keeps telling me that. I’m afraid to tell him to go because he thinks all good and that he lives here. He doesn’t have a key.

I feel like he didn’t even respect my wish of saying that he should stay at the house until the end of the month so I can sort my feelings.

He came to my work party with me on Friday and of course everyone loves him, he’s so handsome, charming, etc. makes it hard for me.

I’m really sad and emotional right now. Because life has been so crazy and hectic for all of us and I haven’t spent time with her like I always do. On top of that, I haven’t been feeling well. I’ve been sick non stop since my fathers death In August. Like really sick. I have extreme fatigue even after sleeping all Weekend on top of a cough that won’t go anywhere. I feel like something is seriously wrong with my Health. I forced myself to get around today and go shopping with her which I was happy to have the time with her but had to cut it short because I need to sleep more. 

Then when she was here and we walked in together we walked into him packing a bowl of weed and he didn’t even try to hide it from her. I kept telling her to stay with me and I think she didn’t feel comfortable. Remember I told her that he pushed me so I’m sure she’s worried about my safety and isn’t happy with him. On top of that, what kind of example am I giving?

I feel terrible all around.

How do I fix this? 

So afraid of the future, feeling Lonely and sad, what if something is really wrong with my health and I’m all alone? What if I lose my job and can’t afford my place? What if I don’t meet anyone else at my age? 

P.S. The strike is over and he’s officially back to work as of yesterday. So he should be able to find his own place. Thing is he would have to do it by this Thursday or where would he stay?

I’m the worst mess. 




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## 3Xnocharm

For crying out loud just kick his ass out. 


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## EleGirl

solost12 said:


> Hi-yes I know. I have serious work to do. He’s been staying here. Of course he’s been good, taking care of me, etc. with the exception of a few nights where he drank too much which really upset me. But I just want to be alone. Something just keeps telling me that. I’m afraid to tell him to go because he thinks all good and that he lives here. He doesn’t have a key.
> 
> I feel like he didn’t even respect my wish of saying that he should stay at the house until the end of the month so I can sort my feelings.
> 
> He came to my work party with me on Friday and of course everyone loves him, he’s so handsome, charming, etc. makes it hard for me.
> 
> I’m really sad and emotional right now. Because life has been so crazy and hectic for all of us and I haven’t spent time with her like I always do. On top of that, I haven’t been feeling well. I’ve been sick non stop since my fathers death In August. Like really sick. I have extreme fatigue even after sleeping all Weekend on top of a cough that won’t go anywhere. I feel like something is seriously wrong with my Health. I forced myself to get around today and go shopping with her which I was happy to have the time with her but had to cut it short because I need to sleep more.
> 
> Then when she was here and we walked in together we walked into him packing a bowl of weed and he didn’t even try to hide it from her. I kept telling her to stay with me and I think she didn’t feel comfortable. Remember I told her that he pushed me so I’m sure she’s worried about my safety and isn’t happy with him. On top of that, what kind of example am I giving?
> 
> I feel terrible all around.
> 
> How do I fix this?
> 
> So afraid of the future, feeling Lonely and sad, what if something is really wrong with my health and I’m all alone? What if I lose my job and can’t afford my place? What if I don’t meet anyone else at my age?
> 
> P.S. The strike is over and he’s officially back to work as of yesterday. So he should be able to find his own place. Thing is he would have to do it by this Thursday or where would he stay?
> 
> I’m the worst mess.


Hi, I'm sorry that things are still not going well for you. As you know, you are the only person who you can change. So that's where you need to start. Forget about him right now.

Start with just one thing. It looks like your health is the number one issue right now because you cannot accomplish much the way you feel right now.

You say that you are very tried and don't feel well. Please go see a doctor ASAP and figure out what's wrong. This could be depression so some anti-depressants might be in order. Your doc can help you figure this out.

What other things are you doing for yourself? Do you socialize with people? Do you go out much? How about exercise, are you getting any?


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## solost12

Hi - Yes, I know I have to focus on myself. I’ve been so over focused on him and this relationship that I’ve lost myself and my physical and mental health have gone downhill.

I am on Zoloft. I think I may have issues because Of breast implants which I want to remove. Probably depression and some other issues cause of bulimia for many years. So yes, there’s a lot.

I don’t do anything socially really. Just work and home. Haven’t exercised in a while cause no energy too.

My boss called me in the office today and she asked me if he was ok cause he wasn’t his usual self at the party. I told her he was tired and hungover from being drunk all night. I was honest and said we’re in between right now and I’m figuring things out. That I love him but not sure if I want to be in this anymore just lots of issues with his 
girls and he’s super cute and charming and Handsome but can be a terror and that I’m at a point where I feel like I deserve more. She said I get it and I just want you to know that I’m here for a hug. She asked if I was still doing counseling and I said no but I will she said good idea cause that’ll help with all of this. I don’t know I just have never had a job that asks personal like this 
I feel weird about it. Like I said too much and of course worried that I’ll lose my job cause of it. Then what? 

His lack of motivation to do anything responsible or right makes me crazy. Again everything has to be out of the house by Wednesday, mostly his stuff or the landlord is threatening to take us to court and he said he was going to get it done by then and he’s out golfing instead.

It turns me off. 

So it’s just one thing after another.




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## turnera

solost12 said:


> How do I fix this?


You know how.

You only have one life and you deserve better than to be miserable. Your daughter deserves better. If you won't leave him for yourself, do it so she can have her mother back.


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## solost12

Thank you. I feel like I’m going to be miserable without him too.

But yes. My daughter is 25 so she has her own life and I just feel like I’m going to be lonely.

I’m afraid of losing my job too. What would I do then? Afford this apartment? 


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## Prodigal

So what is it you seek from us here?

Multiple pages with many good suggestions. 

You have no social life. You don't exercise. You fixate on your husband.

What do you want to accomplish here on TAM?


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## alte Dame

You have analysis paralysis, in my opinion. You will find small issues to use as arguments to not make big changes. Any small thing will be the next excuse to stay in the relationship. When you are ready to let go, you will know it. The measly excuses won't mean anything to you anymore.

You're not ready to leave him yet. You may never be. We can't really help you until you're truly on the road to helping yourself.


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## solost12

Prodigal did you read that I’m sick? Physically ill. Of course I want more of a social life and to exercise.

What I want here is to talk things out and support.


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> Prodigal did you read that I’m sick? Physically ill. Of course I want more of a social life and to exercise.
> 
> What I want here is to talk things out and support.


You did not indicate when you first posted in August that you were ill. If you are sick, do you plan to see a doctor or a specialist in the near future?

You have been talking about your issues. You have been given suggestions and support.

Again, what is it you seek here? Could you tell us what has been insufficient thus far regarding the suggestions and support we have offered?

Do you feel that you haven't told us everything or have left something out? Do you feel our support has been lacking? Just trying to figure out what support you feel would be best in going forward.


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## turnera

solost12 said:


> Thank you. I feel like I’m going to be miserable without him too.
> 
> But yes. My daughter is 25 so she has her own life and I just feel like I’m going to be lonely.
> 
> I’m afraid of losing my job too. What would I do then? Afford this apartment?


Several important things here in this one post. First, you seem to be saying that you can't be happy without a man in your life. Why is that? My mom kicked my cheating husband out in her mid-30s and never looked back. Only dated once the rest of her life; she just couldn't be bothered, said she wasn't about to twist herself into a pretzel for another man. Said she could do whatever she wanted, when she wanted, go wherever she wanted, being single. 

Your goal should be to become happy BY YOURSELF. That way, if/when you DO meet some man, he will just be icing on top of the cake, an added bonus to an already happy life. 

By telling yourself you can't be happy without a man, you are GIVING that man, ANY man, power over you. Control over you. Doesn't that sound ridiculous? Find your happiness. Figure out what you'd like to do in life and achieve it. Leave men out for now until you've done some growing. 

Your daughter missed out on a lot of time with you while you were involved with this man; in some of her most important years. Now is a great time to reconnect with her (on her schedule, of course) WITHOUT having a man around. Plus, you leaving an abusive man is an incredible role model for her; you would be surprised how much she will duplicate YOUR choices in life because watching you is how she learns how to be an adult. Would you want HER staying with an abusive man?

How much money are you putting into a savings account? You should have a $1000 emergency fund and then you should be putting aside 3 to 6 months of expenses in a savings account in case you lose your job so you can still pay your bills until you find a new job. 

Do you see the point here? YOU are in control of your life. YOU can make choices that put you in a position of power and let you lead the life you want, a healthy one. Time to stop playing the victim.


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## Anastasia6

He can find a place fast or he can use a temporary place. 

If you let him not find a place then he will be at your new place forever and it will not be long before his daughter is there doing whatever she wants. 

Have him get a storage unit. Do not let him move crap in. Or if he's started have him get a storage unit and move it out. Set clear boundaries. This isn't your (his) apartment and you won't have him moving in. He can get the 1 week hotel until he finds a place or air bnb or whatever. 

If he says is it over say yes. Or say you'll decide AFTER he has lived on his own and made changes to the drinking and drugs. This is better because then his daughter can visit him at his place all she wants. You wouldn't want to keep him from that.


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## solost12

Hello yes I understand what you’re all saying. I am so mentally and physically exhausted by this all that my body has shut down it’s crazy. I think I’ve mentioned this before but we had to the end of the month to have everything out of the house which I took all of my stuff out and everything that was left downstairs was his and his children’s and he promised me that he would take care of it so I left the electric and gas on in his name so that he could do that and take care of things and nothing was done. I know that he went last week once or twice and did just a few things but it wasn’t that much. I went over there today because today is the last day to get everything out and to see and I mean there was so much that had yet to be done. He was supposed to do it on Monday and decided to go golfing instead with his friend and get drunk all night Mont up being late to work then too hung over to do any work on Tuesday and here we are today and I went over there and try to help as much as I can and I was upset so I asked I said what happened? I said I left everything on for you so that you could get everything done and you have all of the time time off of work so I’m trying to understand why nothing was really done and if I would’ve known that this was going to happen I would’ve just come over here the last month and chipped away at it and got it done because you know that this affects me and my credit as well as yours and I didn’t want anything bad to go on there. He got upset and said that it doesn’t matter that it’s getting done now and I said it doesn’t matter because I’m trying to understand why it’s so hard for you to do anything responsible and she got upset and said I said that this is all ridiculous and he said yes it is all ridiculous and I said what’s ridiculous is that you talk to me the way that you do and you treat me the way that you do and yet I’m still here trying to help you get everything out of here just because it was partly my responsibility although I don’t have to. He then said you were looking for a way to get out of here which is why you moved and which is why I’m stuck here doing this all alone. I said yes I did leave however you know the reasons that I left and I wasn’t looking for a reason of course I never wanted to leave I sat here for years and try to get you to see so don’t you dare tell me that I was looking for a way out. I said how dare you try and make me feel like it’s all me after everything after you pushed me after I’m walking around with bruises still in pain from them I’m still here trying to help you and you’re still putting it all on me? He yelled so loud at me and said it is all you it’s always been all you. I started crying. I told him not to come to the apartment that I don’t want him here. And he said Yep there you go that’s exactly what you were trying to do trying to find an excuse to leave and not have me come there. I just left. He just texted and said please don’t leave me high and dry
Last minute. I said I’m not leaving you high and dry you had months and I’m just so sick and tired of all of this I said if you’re planning on coming here to get your bag let me know and I’ll leave it in the car. I said all this time I try to be a good wife and take care of you. And all you did was take it vantage of me. He said I never took advantage of you I was just trying to take care of you. I told him I don’t need you to take care of me I never have need you to take care of me. I know that he has to come here for his bag for Work tomorrow and I don’t want to see him.

And of course like the way that I always feel after a fight with him I feel like I’m the one in the wrong and I feel like like he said everything’s always all my fault. Please tell me it’s not.


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## Anastasia6

You are not the one in the wrong. It will be hard but in the end it will be best. Work on being with yourself and your daughter. He 'knew' you were 'trying to move out' and such but he still ****ed off playing golf, got drunk and now is blaming you. I thought he was giving up drinking after the pushing and you moving out. But that lasted what 1 week? You deserve better.


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## solost12

Thank you. Yes, I know. I’m done. Now I hope that I’m safe while he gets his stuff.


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## turnera

Look up mental abuse. You doubt yourself because his abusive actions have chipped away at your self esteem and your belief in yourself.

This will never work out. You have to stop hoping to get him to agree with you. He has his own agenda and it doesn't include humbling himself to help you.


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## solost12

Thanks. I know. I’m opening my eyes to so much. He has moved a few things here mainly in storage and although I’ve told told him that I’m done and I want time apart and to be alone so I can find myself he is still here.

He probably doesn’t believe me or just doesn’t care or really doesn’t wanna be without me? I don’t know but I really don’t know what to do. Like how to get him out.

I’m terribly turned off by him, I want to be by myself. More than ever. 


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> … he is still here.
> 
> He probably doesn’t believe me or just doesn’t care or really doesn’t wanna be without me? I don’t know but I really don’t know what to do. Like how to get him out.


If you didn't put his name on the lease, then you throw him out. If he refuses to leave, you call 911 and have the police escort him off the property. It's as simple as that.

Or if you're too afraid to kick his ass to the curb, you can let him stay. Why not tell him to get the hell out and see what he does?


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## DownButNotOut

He is not on your house title. Talk to your lawyer about how to legally evict him.


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## Blondilocks

solost12 said:


> Thanks. I know. I’m opening my eyes to so much. He has moved a few things here mainly in storage and although I’ve told told him that I’m done and I want time apart and to be alone so I can find myself he is still here.
> 
> He probably doesn’t believe me or just doesn’t care or really doesn’t wanna be without me? I don’t know but I really don’t know what to do. *Like how to get him out.*
> 
> I’m terribly turned off by him, I want to be by myself. More than ever.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You get him out by not letting him in. Good God, woman!


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## Prodigal

Blondilocks said:


> You get him out by not letting him in. Good God, woman!


If I recall, OP said she didn't give her husband a key to the apartment. Hell, this isn't rocket science. Just put his crap in a bag and put it outside the door.

I doubt Mr. Loser will care if he's kicked out. Sounds like as long as he can get drunk and flop on someone else's couch, he'll be fine.

JEESH!


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## Rubix Cubed

solost12 said:


> Thanks. I know. I’m opening my eyes to so much. He has moved a few things here mainly in storage and although I’ve told told him that I’m done and I want time apart and to be alone so I can find myself he is still here.
> 
> He probably doesn’t believe me or just doesn’t care or really doesn’t wanna be without me? I don’t know but I really don’t know what to do. Like how to get him out.
> 
> I’m terribly turned off by him, I want to be by myself. More than ever.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He's manipulating you with the blame game because he knows your too nice and will cave and keep supporting him. He's blaming you to try and get you to keep being his sugar mama. He doesn't really believe it's all your fault and that you were looking for an out. He knows the truth, and if he is so delusional that he actually believes his own bull****, WHO CARES? You sure shouldn't and you need to recognize that. Put his bag out in the hall and lock the door behind him. That's how you get him out. If he can afford booze, pot, and golf, he can afford to pay his own way. What would you tell your daughter if she was dating a guy pulling this BS?


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## solost12

Yes. I know. I realized he was just projecting. Told him again that he hasn’t respected my need to be alone. That I feel disrespected and like a joke. I did say that part is my fault though. Cause I kept letting it happen. That you would think with 12-13 years together and marriage on the line that he’d choose to finally have a conversation instead of going to a bar. I told him I wasn’t playing this time. That he needs to do something different. All he said was I hear you and I will.

My daughter said she doesn’t judge. But no I don’t feel like a good example. I don’t know how to get out of this. Feel frozen. I can’t explain. Like I’m crippled with fear. I feel stuck even though I know what to do. 

Plus I know he’ll be so mad. Stupid I know. 


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## DownButNotOut

solost12 said:


> I don’t know how to get out of this. Feel frozen. I can’t explain. Like I’m crippled with fear. I feel stuck even though I know what to do.
> 
> Plus I know he’ll be so mad. Stupid I know.


That's a very common and understandable way to feel. Overwhelmed. One baby step at a time. You can get through this.


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## turnera

Get the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Bancroft. Once you start learning about the abuse you're undergoing, you'll be better able to repel it.


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## nekonamida

I second Turnera's book recommendation.

The issue is not black and white. It's not all you or all him. He's 100% responsible for leaving you to pick up the pieces when he fails to do something he said he would, for pushing you and then lying about it, for whatever living situation he has, for his alcoholism, for not paying his bills, and for choosing to blame you about all of this and more over taking responsibility for himself and his bad choices. He treats you like his mother, expects you to baby him, and then gets angry when he actually has to be responsible for himself. He is an awful mess and you need to stay far away from him.

That said, I agree with Prodigal. You too need to work on yourself. You cannot control his choices but your choices are why you have stuck by this train wreck for so long and why you keep failing to extract yourself from it. You know what I do when someone is in my house that I don't want and refuses to leave? Call the police. I don't pity party about how there's nothing I can do and how powerless I am. I take action. When he crosses your boundaries and refuses to stop, you have choices. You have legal recourse. He doesn't get to force you into letting him stay when he's not welcome. The first line of defense is "No". It's a full sentence. You don't need to justify, argue, or defend. If he keeps whining, you stop replying. You turn off your phone. You block his phone number. If he shows up to your apartment, you call the police. The only one who can stop him from walking all over you is you.

You are a catch but it's to people like your STBXH and narcissists because you lack the ability to set boundaries for yourself. You can be a catch for a healthy person if you take the time to see an IC, read some books like the one Tunera suggested and "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie, and practice standing up for yourself. Your future will not be a lonely one if you do the work but it will be a miserable one with a new dysfunctional partner if you don't and being with a bad partner is even more isolating and alone than being without one.


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## solost12

Hello thank you I do have the book and I’m going to read it again. 

I’m still in same situation wanting out. He hasn’t changed. I gave him a long email about poor choices and told him
I want legal separation. He of course is offended. Here is what I said below.
I thought I was being a loving wife? Trying to help? Never intended to make anyone feel bad. 

“I appreciate you apologizing and saying you’ll make a change but you’ve broken way too many promises to me. I’m not sure if it’s cause you’re truly incapable of stopping and really need help or if you just don’t care because you know that I’ve backed on my ultimatums how many times now? I’ve tried to be super supportive and have taken EVERY approach with you and have suggested every approach but unfortunately none of them have worked. I don’t know why and I’m done trying to figure out why. I get that you need time with “friends” but I can’t tell you enough that Donny isn’t a friend to you. He’s bad news. I couldn’t stand being around him the first time I met him. Remember when I said all those things to you and Steven about Amanda? You didn’t hear me. I knew right off the bat she was bad news and look now? I was crazy for thinking it then but I’m right. I’m ALWAYS right about my vibes with people. That’s a gift I’ve had forever. You don’t see it though. 

It's not that I don’t want you to have a life. I get that you’re a social person and it’s ok but when you take the opportunities to go on benders even on a TUESDAY knowing you had to work overtime? Even my brother was like “damn Jess, he still does that? He’s not over it yet? I love Sean but why doesn’t he just come to his wife?”

I mean, Sean, I’ve had one foot out the door for how long? Last weekend when you promised change and promised me a talk knowing how upset I’ve been and then being so tired from working over the night before, you decided to go hang out with Donny and Alex for ONE and wound up coming home at who knows what time? If you want to live a single life and do these things and hang with single guy friends as often as you have been, who have no benefit to your life than go ahead. You shouldn’t be married then. There is a thing called balance and I don’t see that you know what that is. I don’t need to bring up past relationships but I’ve never been with anyone who does what you do. It’s like just be normal, go to work, come home to your wife and be a normal family man who goes out occasionally, etc. Someone who has their stuff together with good, positive goals for the future. I’m sorry, but with the path you’ve been on and continue to be on, we’re never going to have the things we’ve always dreamed of. A nice house, etc. We could have had that but your behavior has made me deter because I don’t trust you to be responsible or motivated enough to be able to help maintain, contribute and not leave me stuck one day with a mound of bills, bankruptcy, etc. I don’t want that. I want to be happy, established and know that I, as the wife and woman of the house should never have to worry about that. With you, I do.

I’ve been so scared to have a pet because of your anger issues and how much you yell and the possibility of harming it, etc. I’ve been afraid to sleep at night sometimes not knowing what you’ll do when drinking? Is he going to black out and burn the place down? Is he going to get home safe? Why hasn’t he texted back? Why is his phone off? Where is he? You never are available. Like GOD FORBID there was an emergency. You are too chill about things. Like it’s no way to live.

My health has deteriorated because the addition of our issues has been really bad for all of the other health issues I have going on. I’m trying though. I want my implants out, I want to feel healthy, workout, etc. I can’t until I have the energy that I need. 

I’m taking steps with my issues/battles. Why won’t you?

You refuse to get checked for health issues, refuse to follow up on the important things like your debit card, etc. Nothing that is important or that you SHOULD act responsible towards you do. You’re too chill and whatever. That’s now how a grown man should act. It’s called getting your priorities in line. Long overdue.

I appreciate all of the little things you have done and do for me. You can be so good taking care of me, cooking, etc. but Sean it isn’t enough. That isn’t enough to hold a marriage together. There have been too many issues with the girls, how you have treated me with regards to them, communication, your addictions and the physical which whatever has driven you to that point is NEVER ACCEPTABLE. You would NEVER treat your children that way. Why treat your wife, who has been there that way? Cause you don’t care. It isn’t love. 

It's so frustrating to deal with the lies, your broken promises and your lack of respect for me. The constant worry about you, MY HUSBAND has tore me down. Your issues have affected me mentally and emotionally. You know how much I care, so why are you so incapable of saying damn, I never want her to feel this way? You can’t and won’t. 

Why don’t you want better for YOURSELF? Why don’t you open your eyes and seek the help that you need. With regards to addictions, girls and guilty father issues, etc. GET HELP!

Me trying to change the situation has made me lose myself, caused me health issues and lack of respect for MYSELF. I’ve lost who I used to be. Happy and easy going, etc. I’m always on edge, worried, upset, feeling disrespected. It’s not fair. It’s because I feel like I’m the only one putting in effort to fix things. I have held out for so many years, hoping for change and you’ve proven me wrong over and over. I’ve also held out because I know the good sides of you and the good in you but those sides aren’t always there. You battle your own demons and you’re the only one who can help yourself. There has been way too many ups and downs for the last 12-13 years? It’s been so long, I lost count. Whether a relationship with an addict can be recovered depends on how much he’s willing to change and how much damage has been done already. There has been way too much damage done. What hurts the most is all of the time put in, all of the good memories, all of the POTENTIAL that I see being flushed down the toilet. All of the years that I’ve wasted. All of my most youthful, beautiful years. All of the wasted effort. My brain has been so scrambled that I haven’t trusted my own judgment. I have lost faith in believing in what I KNOW is right. I feel hurt, angry, resentful and unfulfilled. 

You said it yourself, “you knew what you were getting after 10 years”. I should have left it at that. Left you there at that. If I could only turn back the hands of time, but I can’t. I’ll never get those years back but I can work towards a happier and better future for myself. 

You promised me change, you promised me a conversation how many times now and we’re still in the same place relationship but different living situation. I left because of all of the above. STILL here. I’m over it. I want to file for a legal separation. Until you can get help and prove to me that you are going to change, I want out. I’m sorry, I LOVE you, have loved you forever and always will but I can’t live like this anymore. It’s not just about last night. This you know. You’ve had every chance in the world.”

He responded with I’m sorry I never want you to feel that way. I’ll start being better today. Promise. I’m gonna better myself. 

I said. Your words aren't good enough right now.

He said Well ya, and you've been sick your dad died so I'm sorry baby that's so sad. I feel like a horrible human being with all of it. I'm sorry you view everything so horribly and hold on to it all. I'm sorry. I can only try to fix today and make it good . Set us up for tomorrow. I'm sorry I let you down as a husband and never managed to meet expectations. I'm truly not as cool as I think I am.

Because I don’t believe a word my response was I want legal separation filed. I don't want to be tied to any of your decisions that could impact me financially or legally any longer. He didn’t say much after that and he when I got home he asked if I was hungry but pretty much gave silent treatment which upset me. Because I’m thinking why isn’t he kissing my butt? Fighting for us? Saying the things I would think a husband losing his wife would say. Makes me feel like he doesn’t care. I told him this. 

He snooped through my dresser drawers today. Then because I was late said oh you have something going on? 
He won’t leave. Said he paid rent I said I’ll give it back .He is giving me silent treatment. So I said why he said he never wants to hear anything that I said today ever again. He has a chance to talk to me and he turns it into that? 
He’s like why would I ever say something after all you said? I said you sure aren’t acting like a husband who’s afraid to lose his wife after everything she said today. He said why would I be. I’m so bad right? I said you’ve made some bad decisions. Yes. 

He is making me feel like I said something wrong. I took the key he said he’s leaving and I can run circles in my head myself . That I’m wrong and told him he was a piece of **** today
That wasn’t my intent. It was to get him to open his eyes. I told him I just wanna be alone that he’s not on the lease that I never asked him to come here that I asked for space and he didn’t give it 
He said That he was giving me space today.That he was crushed by what I said and I didn’t let him have a moment 
I said how am I supposed to know you’re crushed when you don’t talk to me?! Like am I supposed to play mind reader? He said I would never know he was crushed. He doesn’t wanna have today’s conversation ever again
That I have a perception problem that I take everything wrong. Everything. That my perception is skewed. 
That makes me feel horrible like nothing that I feel is valid or that I’m crazy. Asking too much? 

I’m not trying to be difficult. I think what I said was put ok?

I’m questioning it like did I do wrong? Expect too much? I don’t know what’s wrong or right anymore? Am I wrong? 

I’m so exhausted of all of this. In the middle of nervous breakdown.


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## solost12

Hello? Anyone? I know post is long but could use some support. Feel like what I told him was mean? For me, it took a very long time to put that together, and I thought that I put it together firmly but nicely as well? And of course I’m feeling guilty for it and bad for it?


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## Tilted 1

No it wasn't mean as you say, but honest this is nothing to what he has said and done. This may give him a wake up call but as l see it you are still bending over backwards to be co-dependent and not shake loose from him.


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## aine

solost12 said:


> Hello? Anyone? I know post is long but could use some support. Feel like what I told him was mean? For me, it took a very long time to put that together, and I thought that I put it together firmly but nicely as well? And of course I’m feeling guilty for it and bad for it?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It’s not mean, I’m married to a similar man, who is selfish and does things their way. In fact I’m convinced man has NPD, fits the bill in every way.

If you make ultimatums, follow through, do not get sucked in. You are likely trauma bonded to him, it’s not love. He is abusing you emotionally and psychologically. Get out and follow through, he has shown you who he is.


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## solost12

Thank you so much for getting back to me! I’m at home crying of course ha ha no shocker there right? He definitely is not changing. And I don’t know if it’s because he really had a problem or if it’s because he’s had it with my negativity and constant questioning and complaining or if he just really doesn’t care anymore.

He didn’t text me after work and asked me if I wanted to go to the movies and I said no it’s OK because I know you’ve worked overtime the last couple days and you’re probably really tired you’re probably just fall asleep it’s OK. I said I’m just gonna go and visit my daughter for a little while. And he said OK. And that was it. I figured he was coming home and probably going to sleep.

Well I get here and of course he’s not here, of course his phone is off, and I texted his friend the one that I like that I know he’s normally with here in there and he said he left him and the guy that I don’t like that is a really bad influence on him at the bar at about 5 o’clock. He asked me if I wanted him to call him and I said no it’s OK I called myself and his phone is off.

So I get that he asked me to do something, I get that he’s a grown man and can make us all decisions, but I didn’t think that me saying I was going to visit my daughter would be an excuse to go to the bar with someone who is such a jerk who I don’t trust who is such a bad influence?

I feel like I’m so pathetic, because we get so upset that her husband is at the bar having a couple of drinks right? But I am upset because I feel like he lied to me. The first thing you texted that morning when he knew he did the wrong thing gambling all night the night before, was I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you I’m going to do better starting today. So is this doing better? Or am I completely out of line? Because I feel like a loser sitting here crying over who knows what?



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## Tilted 1

Lies Lies and more Lies. Don't believe him at all. You should only be thinking of yourself.


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## Anastasia6

You are still trying to get him to pick you. You aren't really trying to leave.

Change the lock and put his stuff outside.
Don't tell him you want a separation. You get a lawyer or legal aid and you file for separation. Better file for divorce.

But if you are actually playing the pick me game then don't turn him down when he picks you.


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## solost12

I know. I can’t do this. I keep telling him to leave and he refuses. I can’t say anything right without him getting defensive and he can’t say what I want and need to hear. I just told him in the nicest way. You’re tired of me being negative and I’m tired of you taking everything I say personally and feeling in trouble for it. We just don’t get along. I respect that you’re tired and you should respect that I’m tired too. We don’t get along. We’re not a fit and it’s ok. I’ve come to accept that. He said he knows how to communicate and I said ok, as usual I’m the one who can’t. All good. Got it. 

Why won’t he leave? Like just get his things and go? It would make it so much easier on me.




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## solost12

Hi everyone - so tonight I have decided once and for all that I’m done. I want him gone and I mean this. After he made a promise to show me different he still went to the bar and gambled. I get that social life is important but he doesn’t stop. I get he got home at a decent hour but he still broke a promise. I don’t trust him. So I don’t know what you all suggest I do to get him out? 

Can he say I let him stay here and he’s my husband and give me hard time? He’s not on the lease and the final straw for me to leave was when he pushed me. What to do? 

I know, I know I shouldn’t have let him come stay here at all but I felt sorry because he was on strike at work, etc. huge mistake I know.

I’m panicking now at how I do this. I can’t find his car keys that have the apartment key so I could keep him out. 

Do I just tell him tomorrow to take his things. He has a certain time to get what he needs tomorrow and then have him leave the key? I can then box up the rest and leave it somewhere? Then I will call to have the locks changed. 

If he gives me a hard time do I say I’ll have the cops remove him? I have photos of when he pushed me and will use that I i have to? Of course I don’t want to but I think my wrist may be broken Because even though it happened a while ago it still hurts anytime I bump it into something and my right thigh still has bumps inside of it and hurts if it touches something. So every time Im reminded of that, I am scared and don’t feel safe. I just don’t feel safe anymore with him period. Sober or not. 

Could I use the photos now to police even though it happened at the end of December? 

I’m super sad and I know I’m a pain and difficult to please but there is just something that’s telling me it’s time. I want to be alone for once. I don’t want to live this way anymore. We’re not a match. He has too many issues and so do I. But we don’t mesh. 

Just want to focus on me. I did something I’ve always wanted to
do and couldn’t cause of him was to get a puppy. She comes home in mid December. I’m so happy! But I’m so afraid to have him around cause if he has a moment and hurts it I would die! It’s so sad I even feel this way but it’s the truth. 

I haven’t felt this strong in a while. What do I need to do? I need to get him out. 


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## hubbyintrubby

solost12 said:


> Hi everyone - so tonight I have decided once and for all that I’m done. I want him gone and I mean this. After he made a promise to show me different he still went to the bar and gambled. I get that social life is important but he doesn’t stop. I get he got home at a decent hour but he still broke a promise. I don’t trust him. So I don’t know what you all suggest I do to get him out?
> 
> Can he say I let him stay here and he’s my husband and give me hard time? He’s not on the lease and the final straw for me to leave was when he pushed me. What to do?
> 
> I know, I know I shouldn’t have let him come stay here at all but I felt sorry because he was on strike at work, etc. huge mistake I know.
> 
> I’m panicking now at how I do this. I can’t find his car keys that have the apartment key so I could keep him out.
> 
> Do I just tell him tomorrow to take his things. He has a certain time to get what he needs tomorrow and then have him leave the key? I can then box up the rest and leave it somewhere? Then I will call to have the locks changed.
> 
> If he gives me a hard time do I say I’ll have the cops remove him? I have photos of when he pushed me and will use that I i have to? Of course I don’t want to but I think my wrist may be broken Because even though it happened a while ago it still hurts anytime I bump it into something and my right thigh still has bumps inside of it and hurts if it touches something. So every time Im reminded of that, I am scared and don’t feel safe. I just don’t feel safe anymore with him period. Sober or not.
> 
> Could I use the photos now to police even though it happened at the end of December?
> 
> I’m super sad and I know I’m a pain and difficult to please but there is just something that’s telling me it’s time. I want to be alone for once. I don’t want to live this way anymore. We’re not a match. He has too many issues and so do I. But we don’t mesh.
> 
> Just want to focus on me. I did something I’ve always wanted to
> do and couldn’t cause of him was to get a puppy. She comes home in mid December. I’m so happy! But I’m so afraid to have him around cause if he has a moment and hurts it I would die! It’s so sad I even feel this way but it’s the truth.
> 
> I haven’t felt this strong in a while. What do I need to do? I need to get him out.


You've been getting roughly the same advice for a while now. Make him leave. Don't ask him...MAKE HIM. Take his crap and put it out the door and he can take it and leave. If he makes a stink about it, call the police and have him removed. He's not on the lease so he can't stay there if you don't want him to. Call the super/management and ask to have the locks changed if he won't give the key back. Cite domestic violence for the reason if they NEED one to have the locks changed...they will do it quickly after that. 

You've been making this a choice for him. You've been letting him choose to stay even though it's not what YOU want. 

YOU get to choose now, not him. It sounds like you know exactly WHAT you want. Go get it.


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## musiclover

Now you’re getting a puppy with him around and you’re afraid he may hurt it? Come on already! Change the darn locks, put his stuff out the door and that’s that. Stop analyzing every conversation with him. File for divorce and carry on with your life. Or, keep doing what you’re doing, just spinning in circles. 

You really should NOT be getting a pet until you are 100% away with this husband of yours. I feel bad for the dog.


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## solost12

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*

I know that I have. I just wanted to make sure I’m approaching it right. Like making him leave just seems so mean instead of saying hey can you leave? And if you don’t then this is what will happen. Good to know about him not saying that we’re married and he has rights/can stay. That I don’t want. 

It’s not what I want. I know that I’m going to miss him like crazy. I know that I’m going to mourn him so much. I’m going to feel so lonely. I’m going to question if I made the right decision. I can feel the panic kicking in already. Because again, I feel like I’m too much. I’m too needy. I ask for too much. Like don’t normal wives say ok to going out once in a while to have a beer at the bar? So I feel like I’m too hard on him because he 95% of the time just comes home.

I just hope I don’t have a nervous breakdown.  Because my obsessive a analytical mind sucks! 

But yes, I want to do what I want to do. I want to have a life free of worry of what he’s doing, what he could be doing to me in anger, etc. I want to be free of his daughters. I’m super hurt and upset that they discarded my daughter and I the way they have after all that we did with and for them. I’m crushed. 

I want to workout, I want to get healthy, I want to make new friends and start to live. I haven’t been doing that. My life has been just me, him and my daughter and his kids for years. Like I never really did much alone because God forbid I wasn’t there when his kids visited. I was “never around” so I felt like I couldn’t do anything. Like if I did I was viewed poorly.

I’ve been taking a new medicine called Lumiday Mood Enhancement which I really like! It’s all natural and better than Zoloft. 

He came in and prayed over us this morning out of nowhere which was super random and although I’m touched because it was powerful, his words were it’s just not enough to make me say I want to work on this any longer.

He will be gone before the puppy comes home. This is one of the main reason’s I want him out now too. I would never allow that or any potential harm. She doesn’t come home until mid December which I’m looking forward to because she’ll be my new companion and the support and love that I need. I’m really looking forward to a fresh, new life.

I’m also sad that he won’t see me as the confident women I have always wanted to be. He’s seen emotional, needy, negative, Whiney, insecure crazy person who obsesses and can’t let things go. Not always but a lot. So that makes me sad. 

I have to get help though before I get into another relationship because I’ve gone from one narcissist to another. My fiancé before these two was a saint. Nothing like him and of course I screwed him over and wound up with two in a row. 

So what do I say? Hey, I’ve been thinking and I really just want you to leave? I really need some time for me and I want time apart, etc.? What do you recommend I say?

Do I give him till end of month? 




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## Blondilocks

You're not going to get anywhere until you stop playing the poor, put-upon spouse who doesn't want to appear to be mean and feels sorry for him and blah, blah, ****ing blah. Take responsibility for yourself. Change the locks, pack his crap, put it in the hall and refund him any unused rent money. 

You've been advised this multiple times. 

Stop petting the damn drama llama.


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## hubbyintrubby

Put his stuff outside the door. Don't say a word to him. You don't have to say anything.

You've said enough already, tbh.


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## Openminded

Get him out or don’t get him out but don’t bring a puppy into this mess.


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## alte Dame

File for divorce. If you can muster the courage to do that, the problem of him leaving will go away.

You remind me of my OCD sister who agonizes and agonizes, asking everyone around her relentlessly, getting a chorus in response, but is still unable to take the smallest of steps.

Take a step. File.


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## solost12

Hi! It's been awhile. Thank you all for the continued support. I had my surgery and am still recovering. He didn't come even though he asked. I said just stay home with the dog. He left the next day to drive two hours to pick up his kids, stay the night at a hotel and then next morning drove another two hours to go to his families. He spent that whole time, including Christmas there. He came home yesterday so they could see their grandpa who flew in from Florida. Get this, the sacrifices are immeasurable. He drove two hours from his families then dropped them off at their friends then drove thirty minutes here then went back picked them up and drove them to their cousins forty minutes away cause they wanted to see her too then drove back here. All in a few hours time cause he had to do whatever they asked. It's all over the top.



I have had a rough week full of depression and the recovery didn't go as I planned. For starters I had to rehome my puppy cause my daughter is allergic then him and I were text fighting the whole time cause he wasn't giving me what I needed which was a conversation and he couldn't do it cause he had company which are his kids so we fought cause I said you see it doesn't change and it's going to be worse cause you'll be seeing them less. I'm sorry but that doesn't mean you put your wife's needs last. With him it does. 


anyway, I know I said and told him that he wasn't bringing his kids here I feel bad for him cause his niece is in ICU and there's lots going on there. I said you can stay here I know there's lots going on and even though you know the issues I have you said you would make changes and here's your chance to show me. I said how is the 12 year old? Has she outgrown it since you've seen her or is it worse cause she hasn't seen you for awhile? He got so upset. Said he wasn't going to stay here and be on trial with them and worry if his daughter is being affectionate that he can't do that. I said I'm not saying she can't be but you need to correct the competition and mini wife issues and I tell you this out of love and concern. I said instead of getting defensive why can't you see that I went back on my word and say something like thank you I understand and yes we'll see how it goes? He said all I had to say was ok and not the other stuff. I said of course I had to say the other stuff cause I'm letting you know why I'm going back on my word. 


I then told him again we don't get along and we just need to move on. I said nothing I said was bad. At all. He said he doesn't want to have rules or restrictions on interacting with his daughters and that I'll never try to stop it again. He said he's upset that he can't be spending the holidays with his family and that it's my fault cause I decided to have surgery during the holidays. I said my health is a priority!! I got it done over the holiday cause I had vacation that I would lose and I finally had the money. This is the 3rd time he has said I could have waited to have surgery. That makes me feel so bad. He said all of our arguments for the last 10 years have been my fault. He said he only gets hos kids for two we weeks and why do I have to make out so difficult? I said don't forget why I told you not to come here in the first place. That hurt me more than you know and of course even though I know it's not true he has me questioning it. 

I had a major melt down, like a nervous breakdown as I told him I couldn't do this anymore and all of this is too much. I just had major surgery and am recovering and am devastated about the puppy and so sad that our marriage isn't going to ever work and do you know he didn't even apologize. He just closed the door and said stop crying so hard. That was such a huge slap in the face especially cause he knows how emotional and fragile I am and I've been in a severe depression. 

So yah I'm here, he's here. He's been taking care of me but today was such a bad day. And his kids who knows where they are cause he lets them do whatever. It's only going to be worse the less he sees them for all of our issues. 


Am I needing too hard on him? I know his feelings are hurt cause he knows I don't care to see his kids. I can't help how I feel. I just can't. 

why am I so weak? Afraid to be alone? This week I was so lonely I couldn't handle it. It's like I can't make the move knowing all I know. It's like I'm stuck. 


i feel terrible. I can't shake this sadness. 

So on Friday cause I thought I needed it had a few drinks and I guess I went to a bad place. I got upset cause I saw a picture of my surgeon and said you know what? You never even met my surgeon. Cause you weren't involved. He said again I had to watch the dog. No he didn't. I told him to just do that cause it seemed like he really didn't wanna be there. So I said some means things. That if it was his daughters he would have been there. That he has all of these Facebook posts boasting how beautiful they are and how proud he is of them but has he ever done that for me? His wife who has been there! I said you tell them all of the time that they're beautiful on front of me but never the other way around. I told him to get the eff out is my life. I told him that I hate and resent him. So yes I was drinking so that didn't help and I was mean and hurtful. I know he's been a jerk but I feel bad. 


So, I made a decision last week. That I want to move. I want to be closer to the city where my family and job is and where I grew up instead is living here he has wanted all these years cause of his damn kids!! I told him I wanted to do that last week when we got into the argument and he said he wants all his girls living with him. He said he wants a big house with me, my adult daughter, her girlfriend, his two teenage brats AND their older sister from another dad!! WTH?!?!

Anyway, so I found a place a really nice place that I know I'll be happy at. I didn't tell him until today after I signed the lease. I felt bad keeping secrets so I told him. 

I told him. He was super calm and said like that were him it would be over. I said well you said you were looking for you and girls so I did what’s best for me. I said what are you gonna do? He said he was gonna think about it.

Because I stupidly love him I said let's go to therapy. I said just show me that you will go to the first one. Otherwise it's not a good idea for you to move with me. 
He just flipped out said no it’s not a good time with everything else going on that now he has to train this week, has to find a place, I said you just said you were gonna think about it? He said well training and now have to think about it. He said I’ve (me) have done enough in January and to add counseling is not good time. That I'm interfering with the status quo. He said I’ve (me) have done enough. That it’s Sunday, why do we have to talk and why can’t we just rest? There has to be a time or rest. I said if you’re not over everything that you say I’ve done to ruin January and the mean things I said the other night why are you here? Why are you trying to kiss me? Why? He said yah why do you wanna move with me too? And slammed the door.

I said nothing I said ruined your relaxation today he said I’m causing anxiety for him
I said me asking about counseling isn’t anxiety inducing me asking you why you’re giving me mixed signals isn’t anxiety inducing. He said I give mixed signals. I said all of my decisions have been clear and I’ve let you know he said yah ask what everyone else thinks about your clear decisions.I said I moved from our last home cause of our issues and because you pushed me! It was a quick move to what was available! I said cause of you I moved quickly! Cause of you!! I said tell everyone else that ok?! Instead of making me look like the bad one! 


From October until now yes things have been crazy, I had to move right away because of our issues and this is the first place available so this is where I move to. Then he came along even though I said I needed time. Then I had my surgery and got a puppy that I couldn't take care of Cause I went into a serious depression. Then I now am feeling better so I made the decision to move again to the area that I want to be in. Not him or his kids but ME! I know it's a lot but I've been in a brain fog and feel like I can think straight again somewhat. He makes me feel like I'm nuts and unstable. So I'm questioning if I am crazy? Did I make a mistake? I'm panicking and feeling bad right now. 

So I have another foot out of another door.

I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow but in the meantime.


Please talk to me. 



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## phillybeffandswiss

The hardest part for you is the off switch. You need to learn how to limit your contact. There is no reason to fight. He has shown you he is a cad. Do not engage him except for the kids. When he whines about his time and trouble, learn how to say “I am sorry you feel that way” and walk off. He can’t whine if you are not there. Get an ipod, phone or whatever and a nice pait of noise cancelling headphones and drown him out.

Yes, it is hard being alone.
Yes, you just got out of surgery and your mortality is at the top of your mind.

He is NOT sending you mixed signals. It is you wanting more from a guy who refuses to give you anything.

He’s an emotional vampire for lack of a better term, he enjoys your misery whether you love him or not.

I’d take this post, by itself to the therapist let them help you unpack it.


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## solost12

phillybeffandswiss said:


> The hardest part for you is the off switch. You need to learn how to limit your contact. There is no reason to fight. He has shown you he is a cad. Do not engage him except for the kids. When he whines about his time and trouble, learn how to say “I am sorry you feel that way” and walk off. He can’t whine if you are not there. Get an ipod, phone or whatever and a nice pait of noise cancelling headphones and drown him out.
> 
> Yes, it is hard being alone.
> Yes, you just got out of surgery and your mortality is at the top of your mind.
> 
> He is NOT sending you mixed signals. It is you wanting more from a guy who refuses to give you anything.
> 
> He’s an emotional vampire for lack of a better term, he enjoys your misery whether you love him or not.
> 
> I’d take this post, by itself to the therapist let them help you unpack it.




The kids are his, not mine. They’re terrible. Thank God they don’t live here anymore but still causing problems I want no part of. 


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## phillybeffandswiss

solost12 said:


> The kids are his, not mine. They’re terrible. Thank God they don’t live here anymore but still causing problems I want no part of.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes, I saw that and forgot as I kept reading. You interact and get mad when he talks about them, I just forgot.

You have zero reason to engage him at all except for any Legal paper work that needs to be signed to dissolve your relationship.

You really have to stop.


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## turnera

Are you in therapy?


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## solost12

Hi Turnera: My first appointment is this Monday. I know I really need it huh?

I am so close. I was going to text him
Today that I want a divorce and he needs to find somewhere to stay. I’m not sure why I’m so scared or what I am when there is no love, he’s no good for me, I just wanna be happy.

What is wrong with me?! 


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## MattMatt

solost12 said:


> Hi Turnera: My first appointment is this Monday. I know I really need it huh?
> 
> I am so close. I was going to text him
> Today that I want a divorce and he needs to find somewhere to stay. I’m not sure why I’m so scared or what I am when there is no love, he’s no good for me, I just wanna be happy.
> 
> What is wrong with me?!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


What is wrong with you?

You married way, way, way beneath you. That's all.

Sometimes a Princess makes the mistake of marrying the palace gardener. 

You made the slightly bigger mistake of marrying this little fellow:-


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## solost12

Thank you all for coming back around to talk to me! I have been gone for awhile because how much of my crazy dysfunction can you handle, right? I need the help and support though. I'm getting there.

This is irrational but I get worried cause he has mutual friends, he loves Spanish women like me and I know he won't be single for long...I know this is so ridiculous but the thought of him moving on and me knowing the woman is getting the best parts of him that I love is killing me...also, I'm so afraid to run into him...ESPECIALLY with another woman so I think I'll turn into a hermit...how do I get over this?

I KNOW all of what you're saying! I know this. Why am I so stuck? It's like I'm frozen...can't make the move. I've never felt this way before.

Is it fear? Pride? Ego? Because I'm a lunatic?


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> Is it fear? Pride? Ego? Because I'm a lunatic?


Yes.


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## solost12

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*

Yes what?

So I’m a lunatic? That’s why I sometimes feel like I deserve him. Because I have issues. Like I won’t find anyone else. 

I was hoping to hear otherwise. Maybe I do deserve this. 


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## Casual Observer

*Re: One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*



solost12 said:


> Yes what?
> 
> So I’m a lunatic? That’s why I sometimes feel like I deserve him. Because I have issues. Like I won’t find anyone else.
> 
> I was hoping to hear otherwise. Maybe I do deserve this.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Both you and your husband have serious issues. There's no good way of knowing who brought what into the relationship, whether one of you helped create more issues for the other. All we know is that it's pretty bad for each of you, and you're not going to find "answers" on TAM but you will get support for the process you're going through.

Your best hope is with therapy. I don't know what you can afford, but in terms of quantity, I think you need quite a bit. There's no instant fix, no single "aha!" moment and you'll have less anxiety and feel better and life in general. But you will learn to be the best you that you can be. Just stay with the process. Your therapy could be that one reliable thing in life that you've been missing.


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## solost12

I still feel with what you’re saying that it could be my fault. How did I bring physical and emotional abuse on? Is that possible? I’m asking for an honest answer. 


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## Girl_power

If he is your husband you need to accept his good and his bad. No one is perfect. You want him to put you first and all your needs first but your a grown adult. You have to put him first too, and having a healthy Relationship with his kids is important. 
You need to **** or get off the pot. You can’t be luke warm. You need to either accept him for who he is and love him and stop trying to make him perfect, or leave him. That’s it. Choose one and do it.
Go get a life. Go to the gym. Makes friends. Get hobbies. You spend too much time in the house your driving yourself and him crazy. It’s not healthy. 
He will never be perfect. He will never always be there for you, he will never not drink and have a social life and have a relationship with his kids. You have to accept this and love him or love on.


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## Girl_power

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*



solost12 said:


> I still feel with what you’re saying that it could be my fault. How did I bring physical and emotional abuse on? Is that possible? I’m asking for an honest answer.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




No one deserves any of this. How long ago was the physically abusive? You forgave him and moved on so why do you keep bringing it up? You can’t play the victim, your a grown adult. Stay or leave.

Is it your fault? Of course not. People do bad things and its not the other persons fault. Just because someone does something bad doesn’t mean they are a bad person. Only you can decide if you will tolerate that behavior. 

Every man and every women accepts the bad with their partner. Sometimes the bad becomes so bad that they need to leave.


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## solost12

Girl_power said:


> If he is your husband you need to accept his good and his bad. No one is perfect. You want him to put you first and all your needs first but your a grown adult. You have to put him first too, and having a healthy Relationship with his kids is important.
> You need to **** or get off the pot. You can’t be luke warm. You need to either accept him for who he is and love him and stop trying to make him perfect, or leave him. That’s it. Choose one and do it.
> Go get a life. Go to the gym. Makes friends. Get hobbies. You spend too much time in the house your driving yourself and him crazy. It’s not healthy.
> He will never be perfect. He will never always be there for you, he will never not drink and have a social life and have a relationship with his kids. You have to accept this and love him or love on.




You obviously haven’t read all of this. Please don’t respond and give advice if you don’t know the whole story and I certainly hope you don’t think all that I’ve said is ok. You’re the FIRST and ONLY one here who has put some blame on me. Unreal. 


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## solost12

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*



Girl_power said:


> No one deserves any of this. How long ago was the physically abusive? You forgave him and moved on so why do you keep bringing it up? You can’t play the victim, your a grown adult. Stay or leave.
> 
> Is it your fault? Of course not. People do bad things and its not the other persons fault. Just because someone does something bad doesn’t mean they are a bad person. Only you can decide if you will tolerate that behavior.
> 
> Every man and every women accepts the bad with their partner. Sometimes the bad becomes so bad that they need to leave.




I’m not a victim?! How am I not a victim? He has gaslighted me, emotionally and physically abused me and has a drinking problem, won’t communicate without angry outbursts and sometimes still sleeps with his 12 year old daughter!! How am I not a victim? And HOW DO YOU THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE?! 

The last time was this October when he pushed me and I fell and almost Broke my wrist and had huge bruises on my stomach and thigh! So only a few months ago. Again, please don’t reply if you haven’t read ALL that has happened. You’re the only person here now making me feel like I’m wrong, deserve that and should stay. 

Can someone else who has been here with me respond? Because now I’ve lost all the courage and strength I almost had. I don’t even get how Girl Power thinks this is ok?

I’m so close to making him leave and now I’m questioning it. I’m really upset.


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## Girl_power

*Re: One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*



solost12 said:


> I’m not a victim?! How am I not a victim? He has gaslighted me, emotionally and physically abused me and has a drinking problem, won’t communicate without angry outbursts and sometimes still sleeps with his 12 year old daughter!! How am I not a victim? And HOW DO YOU THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE?!
> 
> The last time was this October when he pushed me and I fell and almost Broke my wrist and had huge bruises on my stomach and thigh! So only a few months ago. Again, please don’t reply if you haven’t read ALL that has happened. You’re the only person here now making me feel like I’m wrong, deserve that and should stay.
> 
> Can someone else who has been here with me respond? Because now I’ve lost all the courage and strength I almost had. I don’t even get how Girl Power thinks this is ok?
> 
> I’m so close to making him leave and now I’m questioning it. I’m really upset.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




What I have read is that you are indecisive on whether or not you want to leave him. You say you want to leave him, then you give him your address. And you let him take care of you after surgery. So I’m sorry if I am getting mixed signals from you.

No one is blaming you. I did not blame you. You are not reading what I am writing to you. I said no one deserves to be treated that way. So why are you allowing him to treat you that way? You are not a child, you can leave him.


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## Prodigal

*Re: One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*



solost12 said:


> I’m not a victim?! How am I not a victim? He has gaslighted me, emotionally and physically abused me and has a drinking problem, won’t communicate without angry outbursts and sometimes still sleeps with his 12 year old daughter!! How am I not a victim? And HOW DO YOU THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE?!
> 
> Can someone else who has been here with me respond? Because now I’ve lost all the courage and strength I almost had. I don’t even get how Girl Power thinks this is ok?
> 
> I’m so close to making him leave and now I’m questioning it. I’m really upset.


Apparently you think your husband's behavior is at least tolerable (even if unacceptable) because you are still living with him.

Now you are trying to blame the collapse of your desire to leave on some stranger out in cyberspace who you feel gave you the wrong advice.

Yes, you are a victim - the victim of not taking control of your own life. Don't blame @Girl_power for your inability to leave. Seriously.


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## solost12

I wasn’t blaming her I said she’s the first person who made me feel like it was me and that I shouldn’t be so hard on him which made me feel like maybe I should stay. So yes that made me question it. 

I didn’t come here to get to made to feel bad. I came here for help. I know my situation is really bad but when I question myself I don’t need to hear that I shouldn’t be so hard on him. That keeps me feeling stuck.

Which I don’t know why I feel stuck. It’s a horrible feeling and was looking for advice on why I may feel that way and what I can do to get past it.




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## phillybeffandswiss

solost12 said:


> I still feel with what you’re saying that it could be my fault. How did I bring physical and emotional abuse on? Is that possible? I’m asking for an honest answer.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You did NOTHING to bring it on. 

Accepting, staying, forgiving, excusing, blaming other’s advice and remaining with the man abusing is your fault. 

It is not easy for many people to just cut someone loose, gender doesn’t matter, when you consider your life entanglements. What many people do is weigh time, finances, children, and a lifetime of experience in their decision.


If someone is abusing you all of the above changes. 

You don’t stay because of the children when you are being abused.
You don’t stay because of finances when you are being abused.
You don’t stay because of life experiences with this person when you are being abused.

You don’t stay because of time invested when you are being abused.


Again, I am not saying it is easy, but there is a point when it is all about you and your decisions.

So, yes, you have found reasons to stay with a dangerous man and forgave him. This means it is your CHOICE and your fault if you stay. It never means you ask for it, deserve it or want it. It just means you are faulted for staying.


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## Girl_power

We all want to help you. But your still in victim mode. I mean you literally just blamed me for not leaving your husband. 

We want to empower you and support you and encourage you. But we aren’t going to cookie coat anything, and we aren’t going to say it’s going to be an easy. It isn’t. And the truth is, you clearly have a lot of issues as well and your not perfect. 
I do not think you are emotionally stable enough to leave him. I think you need to take control of your life little by little, get confidence, go to therapy, and wean him out of your life.


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## MattMatt

Playing the Victim https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_playing

Which doesn't seem to accurately describe @solost12.


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## Girl_power

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*



MattMatt said:


> Playing the Victim https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_playing
> 
> 
> 
> Which doesn't seem to accurately describe @solost12.




I think it describes her accurately actually. 

She said she is physically and emotionally abused. (Which obviously we give her sympathy). Then she says above that maybe she brought this on herself because she is controlling and needy or whatever. And she was questioning whether it was really that bad. (So she stays with him, and enables the behavior by trying to understand it, and justify it). Then when I say something she doesn’t like, she says that it’s my fault that she is y leaving her husband bc she almost had enough strength to do it until I ruined it for her.


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## EleGirl

solost12 said:


> I wasn’t blaming her I said she’s the first person who made me feel like it was me and that I shouldn’t be so hard on him which made me feel like maybe I should stay. So yes that made me question it.


She was not saying that you should stay. She was saying that if you stay that you are choosing to accept the abuse. If you leave, you choose to not accept the abuse.



solost12 said:


> I didn’t come here to get to made to feel bad. I came here for help. I know my situation is really bad but when I question myself I don’t need to hear that I shouldn’t be so hard on him. That keeps me feeling stuck.


People are trying to help you... to help you realize that you have 100% of the power over getting out of an abusive marriage.



solost12 said:


> Which I don’t know why I feel stuck. It’s a horrible feeling and was looking for advice on why I may feel that way and what I can do to get past it.


The way you feel, stuck, is very normal. Sadly, a lot of victims of abuse struggle with realizing that they have complete control and can leave the abuser. Sometimes they have to put some things in place before they can leave, but they have the power to leave.

There have been a studies done to figure out why victims of abuse continue to stay with their abusers. The results of these studies are interesting.. .it's biological. Victims who stay with their abuses have a distorted oxytocin response. What's oxytocin? It's a the hormone that our brains uptake to make us feel bonded to other people. It's often called the amnesia hormone. 

A good example of why it's called the amnesia hormone is child birth. When a woman gives birth to a baby, her body/brain creates and uptakes large quantities of oxytocin. What it does is that it make her strongly bond to her baby. But is also creates amnesia relation to the pain of child birth. Women do not recall that actual level of pain they endure during child birth because oxytocin helps them forget the true level of pain. I've read that if it were not for oxytocin helping women forget the pain, there would never be a second child because no woman would willing put themselves through that pain again. 

When it comes to love relationships, oxytocin also comes into play. When a person falls in love, the brain is flooded with oxytocin and other feel-good hormones. That's why people feel high as a kite when in-love. Over time that high goes away some, but the oxytocin levels are still high enough so that the person sees their partner through rose colored glasses. This is why so often we see someone who is in love with the partner and their friends and family wonder what on earth they see in that person.. can't the see the bad things about them? Nope, they cannot see the bad because the oxytocin serves as a pair of rose colored glasses that helps them forget and/or ignore the bad.

Sadly, oxytocin also plays a role in the way victims of abuse respond to the abuse. Oxytocin is also floods the brain during times of trauma. Researchers have done tests on oxytocin levels in abuse victims. The abuse cause the manufacture and uptake of oxytocin. It's the body's way to protect the victim on some level from the mental trauma of the abuse. This is why victims of abuse seem to be unable to leave their abuser.. the oxytocin helps to blunt the trauma (rose colored glasses) and binds them more strongly to their abuser. This is sometimes called the Stockholm Syndrome.

Researchers have also fond that children, especially girls, who grow up in homes where there is abuse often, as adults, have a very reactive oxytocin response if they are abused as adults. This is why children who grow up in an abusive home often become victims of an abusive relationship as adults.

So how do you stop this cycle? The victim has to end all contact with the abuser. Over time the bond that has been created by the oxytocin dissipates. Once it does, the victim no longer is bonded to the abuser and the rose colored glasses are gone. And, once this stage is reached, the victim needs to stay as far away from their abuser and have as little contact as possible. No contact ever again is the best way to go.

The above is a very simplistic explanation of complex biological response to abuse and pair bonding. For example when the brain is flooded with oxytocin, it's usually also being flooded with dopamine and other feel-good hormones. 

What people here are telling you is that you are the only person who can stop this cycle. You need to end all contact with him.

Are you getting any counseling to help you deal with your situation?


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## Prodigal

@MattMatt - I read what you posted re: victims. I've been following this thread from the beginning. And I'm in complete agreement with @Girl_power. This is a very accurate description of the OP.


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## MattMatt

Prodigal said:


> @MattMatt - I read what you posted re: victims. I've been following this thread from the beginning. And I'm in complete agreement with @Girl_power. This is a very accurate description of the OP.


Some victims suffer from something like Stockholm Syndrome. 

They stay with their abuser because it's the only life they know.

Their abuser has ****ed with their mind so much that the thought of leaving their abuser is not something they can comprehend.

I hope that @solost12 can escape her abuser.


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## solost12

I don’t think I have any of the link that you sent. I don’t abuse others and I don’t manipulate. What of that makes you think that’s me?

I’m not in therapy. Supposed to start Monday. 

I appreciate all that you’re saying. You keep me from losing it but I don’t see how I play victim. 


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## solost12

Girl_power said:


> If he is your husband you need to accept his good and his bad. No one is perfect. You want him to put you first and all your needs first but your a grown adult. You have to put him first too, and having a healthy Relationship with his kids is important.
> You need to **** or get off the pot. You can’t be luke warm. You need to either accept him for who he is and love him and stop trying to make him perfect, or leave him. That’s it. Choose one and do it.
> Go get a life. Go to the gym. Makes friends. Get hobbies. You spend too much time in the house your driving yourself and him crazy. It’s not healthy.
> He will never be perfect. He will never always be there for you, he will never not drink and have a social life and have a relationship with his kids. You have to accept this and love him or love on.




As I’m reading this again I have put him first and his kids first even over myself and my daughter. So I don’t get why I’m being told that. I’ve lost myself because of this. 

He hasn’t put me first. Not once. Ever. 

Here’s an example and a question. This has been going on for years but more then ever. So he’s been going out after work, says he’ll be home at a certain time, winds up getting wasted and disappears for hours and then comes home 4-5 hours later after the last time we talk. Doesn’t answer his calls when I call to make sure he’s ok. All of this after he promised that the last time would be the last time. This has been going on for years. I ask for the courtesy to let me know he’s going to stay out longer or call if he needs a ride because I worry but no. Never changes and all cause he says he was drunk and thought he called and or his phone wasn’t near him. 

He’s off work tomorrow. So him and his friends are going out. I already know where this is going. He probably won’t even come home cause he’ll say he was too drunk and passed out at his friends. 

I never go out and on the rare occasion I do I would never behave this way. 

Is this ok to you? @Girl_power? Is this where I’m supposed to let him be, support him, and accept him as who he is?

Or is this wrong and I should be upset? Another reason to leave him?

This is a serious question. Not arguing but really want to know because I’m trying to gauge where I’m wrong or expecting too much. 


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## Girl_power

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*



solost12 said:


> As I’m reading this again I have put him first and his kids first even over myself and my daughter. So I don’t get why I’m being told that. I’ve lost myself because of this.
> 
> He hasn’t put me first. Not once. Ever.
> 
> Here’s an example and a question. This has been going on for years but more then ever. So he’s been going out after work, says he’ll be home at a certain time, winds up getting wasted and disappears for hours and then comes home 4-5 hours later after the last time we talk. Doesn’t answer his calls when I call to make sure he’s ok. All of this after he promised that the last time would be the last time. This has been going on for years. I ask for the courtesy to let me know he’s going to stay out longer or call if he needs a ride because I worry but no. Never changes and all cause he says he was drunk and thought he called and or his phone wasn’t near him.
> 
> He’s off work tomorrow. So him and his friends are going out. I already know where this is going. He probably won’t even come home cause he’ll say he was too drunk and passed out at his friends.
> 
> I never go out and on the rare occasion I do I would never behave this way.
> 
> Is this ok to you? @Girl_power? Is this where I’m supposed to let him be, support him, and accept him as who he is?
> 
> Or is this wrong and I should be upset? Another reason to leave him?
> 
> This is a serious question. Not arguing but really want to know because I’m trying to gauge where I’m wrong or expecting too much.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




It’s not about being right or wrong, it’s about being at peace. 

Of course it’s not cool when your husband goes out and doesn’t call. But after all this time, do you think he is going to really change? At a certain point you have to accept it or move on. But you just want to fight. 

Here’s the thing. You already know what he is going to do tomorrow. He is going to go out with his friends and get piss drunk. You already know this. Your getting ready to be mad and have a blow up fight. This shouldn’t be the same fight over and over again, it’s exhausting and unproductive. So my thoughts are... why don’t you go out with him and his friends? Why are going you to stay home and just be angry and wait to fight with him? Why don’t you go out with your friends tomorrow night too? At a certain point you have to let it go. You can’t keep having the same fight. Yes he should do this and he should do that, but he clearly isn’t. So why fight forever?

Stop putting him first. That’s a huge problem. Start putting yourself first. You need to go out and laugh hysterically. You need to set and accomplish goals and be proud of yourself. You need to live your own life. Instead you stay home and sulk and get mad that your husband is living his life. 
We’re all going to die. This isn’t a practice life. If you can’t have peace with him and are constantly fighting then leave him. You know him really well. You know what he is going to do before he does it. Can you live like this, with who he is? Can you be happy like this? And that’s a question only you can answer. Some women take a lot to be happy. Some women take a very little to be happy. 
I know myself well enough that I could not be happy with my exH. But I know that plenty of other women would love to be his wife and could be very happy with him. I wish I could of been, but I couldn’t. I wish I could be one of those girls that doesn’t require a lot to be happy. But I know myself better than that. 

So what about you? Can you let some things go and learn to be happy with him? Only you can answer that.


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## solost12

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*

I have gone out with him.

I’ve also tried to have my own life and do things and he gets upset. Especially if it was on a weekend that his kids were with us. Even if it was to see my own daughter.

He would say I always go out which isn’t true. He would also say I was never there wasn’t true. I never go out.

I feel like you haven’t read everything from the beginning. My thread goes way beyond accepting him. There’s so much. 

I guess what I’m trying to get at is you’re really the only one here telling me to look at it that way. When everyone else has said leave and get out he’s terrible. Why is your advice different?

Like wouldn’t have anyone else left a long time ago?

I feel like I need words to get strong and leave. To hear that I’m not wrong and i shouldn’t put up with this.

Not blaming you at all but I am just questioning if this is normal and I should work it out now.

The advice has gone from
Get strong and leave to maybe I’m being too hard and expecting too much.

I’m confused and feel weak again. 


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## 3Xnocharm

You keep ignoring the advice to get out so why are you arguing about this? You’ve heard from all of us exactly what you claim to need to hear, but yet there you stay, whining of your misery instead of standing strong and doing what needs to be done. You’re just afraid to be without a man. So either learn to live with the piece of crap, or get out. 




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## Girl_power

*Re: One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*



solost12 said:


> I have gone out with him.
> 
> I’ve also tried to have my own life and do things and he gets upset. Especially if it was on a weekend that his kids were with us. Even if it was to see my own daughter.
> 
> He would say I always go out which isn’t true. He would also say I was never there wasn’t true. I never go out.
> 
> I feel like you haven’t read everything from the beginning. My thread goes way beyond accepting him. There’s so much.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




I understand. I’ve read the thread. 
You need to be your own person. Who cares if he gets upset. You are your own person, you are not there just to do whatever he wants. There needs to be a balance. You need your own life, he needs his own life, and then you need your life together. If he gets mad if you go out who cares. This is a way he is trying to control and manipulate you. He is allowed to go out with his friends and you shouldn’t get mad. You are allowed to go out with friends and he shouldn’t get mad. Who cares what he says. He’s an ******* that is going to manipulate you and try to control you. But you can’t let it happen bc you are your own person. I’m sure that you have also tried to control and manipulate him, we have all done it. But that doesn’t stop him from going out with his friends does it? So don’t let him getting mad stop you from doing you. 

I get that it does beyond accepting him. But you have limited realistic options. And one is to accept him and try to live in peace while not allowing him to manipulate you. The second is to leave him. There are no other options. Do you understand that? He will not change. All you can do is leave and hope to find better or be okay with possibly of finding worse or no one. Or you can learn to live with this crappy selfish man and learn to be at peace with it and try to focus on the good stuff to keep you sane. There is no other option and I don’t think you understand this.
Fighting won’t solve anything. Coming on here to get a bunch of strangers to admit that he is a jerk isn’t going to change anything. You already know he’s a jerk. But you also know that he has some good qualities which is why you fell in love with him. 
I am not telling you to stay with him and accept him. I am telling you there are 2 things you can do. Stay, accept him and learn to live in peace, or leave him. There is good and bad with both decisions. And only you can make that decision. Because what is right for you, may not be right for someone else. 


And the other thing is. I am 100% all for women leaving their abusive relationship. But it’s something to work up to. Because it’s not healthy for you to leave and come back and leave and come back. In fact, the more you do that, the harder it is for you to ever successfully leave. Also it takes a huge hit on your self esteem each time you come back. Also, it tells the abuser that he has total control over you and he knows he doesn’t have to change anything bc you keep coming back. So I am saying to you, that if you make the firm decision to leave, you need to first get yourself emotionally and mentally stable enough to leave him once for good and never turn back again. 
So you need to decide what to do. And you have to be very purposeful and set goals for whatever decision you make. Things don’t magically change, you need to make good decisions and continue to make good decisions. The worst thing that you can do is waver. To go back and forth. 

I want you to be happy. But it’s going to be a tough road to happiness. But it’s worth taking that road, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you will be happy. So everyone here will support whatever decision you make and will help you. But YOU have to make the decision. You have to get control of your life.


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## Girl_power

Also, everyone here knows that we only hear from one side of the story. And the truth is, none of us have all the information to give hard advice. And sometimes our advice is wrong. 

Everyone has their hard line. So some people would not tolerate certain things, others will tolerate it. Also I’m sure he can say the same for you. Some men wouldn’t tolerate how you treat your husband, and other men would. 

None of us know anything about your relationship except for the things you said, which is mostly negative. We know there is a huge chunk missing. And for some people On here, they draw the line after physical abuse. Some people don’t draw the line there. You chose to stay after that abuse. And depending on the circumstances around it, it’s a matter of opinion. 

Here are some questions I have for you so I can understand a little more. You don’t have to answer them if you don’t want. 
How many times have you left him?
How often do you get into a screaming match?
Do you guys still have sex? How often? Do you guys cuddle? Go on dates? When was the last time you guys laughed together? 
Have you ever cheated on him? Has he cheated on you? 
Do you both work full time?
Do you have sit down family dinners? Who cooks? Who cleans? What was the last nice thing he did for you? What was the last nice thing you did for him?


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## solost12

Girl_power said:


> Also, everyone here knows that we only hear from one side of the story. And the truth is, none of us have all the information to give hard advice. And sometimes our advice is wrong.
> 
> Everyone has their hard line. So some people would not tolerate certain things, others will tolerate it. Also I’m sure he can say the same for you. Some men wouldn’t tolerate how you treat your husband, and other men would.
> 
> None of us know anything about your relationship except for the things you said, which is mostly negative. We know there is a huge chunk missing. And for some people On here, they draw the line after physical abuse. Some people don’t draw the line there. You chose to stay after that abuse. And depending on the circumstances around it, it’s a matter of opinion.
> 
> Here are some questions I have for you so I can understand a little more. You don’t have to answer them if you don’t want.
> How many times have you left him?
> How often do you get into a screaming match?
> Do you guys still have sex? How often? Do you guys cuddle? Go on dates? When was the last time you guys laughed together?
> Have you ever cheated on him? Has he cheated on you?
> Do you both work full time?
> Do you have sit down family dinners? Who cooks? Who cleans? What was the last nice thing he did for you? What was the last nice thing you did for him?




I’ve left him in 2011 for a few months. Got back with him because I found out I was pregnant. Had a miscarriage. Right after found him in the home I just moved out of a week earlier with another woman. His ex. After we said we would work it out. That was the 2nd time he cheated. The other was with a co worker. Probably more that I don’t know of. 

We get into screaming matches often 

We don’t have sex anymore the last was before my surgery 

We don’t cuddle and No dates 

We laughed together this morning Watching TV 

He has cheated on me. I have never cheated on him. 

Yes we both work full time 

We used to have family dinner every Sunday when his kids still lived here. I always did everything much more special when they were here. From nice dinners, holiday baking traditions, so many things. I could go on and on about that. 

Now it’s random with my daughter because she’s older and has a different work schedule.

We both cook and clean 

He brought me coffee in bed this morning 

I made him breakfast 



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## Bremik

I really feel your pain all the way around. I need to read your story more thoroughly but I saw enough to get started.

When people like you and I love someone we give it our all. No obstacle is too big or too small. If our partner responds in any negative way we automatically assume it's something we did wrong and we try harder and harder. This cycle goes on and on. In effect we are dependent on whatever affection no matter how small our partner gives us and we become addicted to that cycle. Like any addiction we live for whatever crumb that gets dropped to us.

Over time we realize we are unhappy and again we assume it's us- we did this or that wrong. We see the cycles but our addiction won't let us leave. We are so unhappy and see the cycles so clearly that we come to a site like this to help us see things better and at some point we always ask - " am I crazy?"

Truth is we know there is a problem and we know it can't be all on us but we can't move. Everyone on here tells you something that's true that you need to hear. Sometimes they are angry with their own lives so it seems harsh but if you sift through it you will see it's true. We weaken ourselves because every so often someone comes along that agrees with something we feel and our addiction jumps at that and throws all the other advice out . Then we slide backward again.

It took me two years and I went back and reread all the advice I got on here it finally sunk in. My summary and prayer for you. Write down everything that your husband has done year by year or just list it as you think of it. Re live those experiences because when we are addicted dependents we gloss over or forget all those times- it's how we survive. You need to remember what has happened all the way through and how you felt. You would not treat him or anyone this way. You will see he doesn't put you first. You wouldn't hit anyone the way he has hit you. You are scared and fear paralyzes you. Fear paralyzed me for 20+ years. Every day take a step that gets you and your daughter out of there. You started the apartment process now follow through. Leave when he is drunk and can't stop you. 

People on here may not always say it the in the most gentle way but you do have a choice. If you get burned by a hot burner do you keep touching it? No you CHOOSE to not do that again. Your husband is a hot burner who keeps burning you- look at the list I want you to make- choose to not be hurt anymore


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## Openminded

Hopefully, a professional will be able to help you get out.


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## solost12

Bremik said:


> I really feel your pain all the way around. I need to read your story more thoroughly but I saw enough to get started.
> 
> When people like you and I love someone we give it our all. No obstacle is too big or too small. If our partner responds in any negative way we automatically assume it's something we did wrong and we try harder and harder. This cycle goes on and on. In effect we are dependent on whatever affection no matter how small our partner gives us and we become addicted to that cycle. Like any addiction we live for whatever crumb that gets dropped to us.
> 
> Over time we realize we are unhappy and again we assume it's us- we did this or that wrong. We see the cycles but our addiction won't let us leave. We are so unhappy and see the cycles so clearly that we come to a site like this to help us see things better and at some point we always ask - " am I crazy?"
> 
> Truth is we know there is a problem and we know it can't be all on us but we can't move. Everyone on here tells you something that's true that you need to hear. Sometimes they are angry with their own lives so it seems harsh but if you sift through it you will see it's true. We weaken ourselves because every so often someone comes along that agrees with something we feel and our addiction jumps at that and throws all the other advice out . Then we slide backward again.
> 
> It took me two years and I went back and reread all the advice I got on here it finally sunk in. My summary and prayer for you. Write down everything that your husband has done year by year or just list it as you think of it. Re live those experiences because when we are addicted dependents we gloss over or forget all those times- it's how we survive. You need to remember what has happened all the way through and how you felt. You would not treat him or anyone this way. You will see he doesn't put you first. You wouldn't hit anyone the way he has hit you. You are scared and fear paralyzes you. Fear paralyzed me for 20+ years. Every day take a step that gets you and your daughter out of there. You started the apartment process now follow through. Leave when he is drunk and can't stop you.
> 
> People on here may not always say it the in the most gentle way but you do have a choice. If you get burned by a hot burner do you keep touching it? No you CHOOSE to not do that again. Your husband is a hot burner who keeps burning you- look at the list I want you to make- choose to not be hurt anymore




This has me in tears because this is how I feel and can’t put I to words. 100% how I feel! 

Thank God my adult daughter doesn’t live with us.

The apartment is mine and I’m on the lease for 8 more months. He isn’t on the lease so he has to go. I think this is where I also feel stuck. Because how do I get him out?

I moved here to get away and he followed me and I was dumb and said ok we’ll see if the change of scenery helps. Dumb I know.

It’s easier for me to say don’t come back and change the locks when he’s done something wrong. But it’s not when he’s being ok so I don’t know how to handle. 

I’m so sad and upset with myself because I know all of this. I watch many YouTube videos and read about all of this. So from a therapy perspective I know all of it. I just can’t move.

I’m paralyzed. I pray to God every night to please grant me a miracle, to build me up where I’ve been torn down and to remove him from my life. To do for me what I can’t do for myself. I feel like I’m there where he’s saying to get him out but I need strength and courage to finally do it. 

The last bad relationship I was in many many years ago, truly the only reason I was able to get away from him was because he went to jail. Otherwise, who knows when I would have gotten him out of my life. 

So yes, I need a miracle. I need strength. I need courage. 

I’m still praying and I still need encouragement from you all. 




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## Bremik

Every time you feel good about something with him read the list of all the bad things he has done to you. Keep the list with you and read it often. When we are in this toxic cycle we easily gloss over the bad because we jump so hard onto one tiny piece of good they may do. 

Consciously or unconsciously he does good things to you to get you to back off. Read the list every time you lack motivation. The list is the truth, everything else is the fog of the addiction. Pray every time you question yourself and for strength. No matter how small of a step you take, make sure and take a step forward out of this every day.

Ask your landlord to help you. Have that person come and tell your husband the rent did not include another person. Your husband has to leave. Or that there have been complaints because he is loud when he is drunk and needs to leave. It doesn't matter how bizarre it sounds.

You feel stuck because you can't break the cycle. You can't break the cycle because your addicted to him and that addiction blinds you to the bad he has done. Change can't occur if we keep doing the same thing over and over- if you do the same actions you get the same results.

Think of it as literally ripping every fiber of your body apart from him. It grabs, it hurts, it pulls so very hard. If you keep ripping day by day you will free yourself. It is extremely important that no matter how you feel, what good thing you think he does or if you slide backwards some- keep reading the list of bad. Forgetting that list is what holds you back and keeps you stuck by giving you the wrong kind of hope you desperately want.


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## Bremik

It's not silly to think if you changed the scenery things might change. Our addictive dependent fog makes us think it's us or the surroundings we are in that is making our spouse do the things they do.

What did you find out? Nope, it's still happening. So what does that tell you? It's him- the pattern is the same. It's not the environment, it's not his ex, it's not just when his daughters are there, it's not just when you think you could have done something different or better. It's HIS pattern , it's who he is. The list will show you the pattern.


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## solost12

Thank you! 

I make a list of all past and daily? 

He didn’t go out tonight so I won’t have a reason to be mad later and tomorrow. 

But yes I’m going to make a list. Again, past and daily? 


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## Bremik

Yes - keep track of the bad. You have to remember, survival sometimes depends on blocking out the bad things. But YOU need them remembered so you can break the cycle and become unstuck.

Being emotional and crying a lot for you is your internal fight going on trying to break free- it's a sign you are breaking free, change is occurring. Keep fighting keep remembering


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## aine

solost12 said:


> You obviously haven’t read all of this. Please don’t respond and give advice if you don’t know the whole story and I certainly hope you don’t think all that I’ve said is ok. You’re the FIRST and ONLY one here who has put some blame on me. Unreal.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Ok I’ll be the second one. You are not perfect either. In fact from the way you go on here, I’d say you also are a lot of hard work. Remember, no one else except yourself can make you happy. You knew your H had kids when you married him. What did you expect he would drop them for you? You have no right to ask that of anyone. You may not want a relationship,with them but it’s not right to stop his relationship with them.

He may be a cad as someone said on here but you a e not blameless either. You are both toxic.


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## aine

solost12 said:


> This has me in tears because this is how I feel and can’t put I to words. 100% how I feel!
> 
> Thank God my adult daughter doesn’t live with us.
> 
> The apartment is mine and I’m on the lease for 8 more months. He isn’t on the lease so he has to go. I think this is where I also feel stuck. Because how do I get him out?
> 
> I moved here to get away and he followed me and I was dumb and said ok we’ll see if the change of scenery helps. Dumb I know.
> 
> It’s easier for me to say don’t come back and change the locks when he’s done something wrong. But it’s not when he’s being ok so I don’t know how to handle.
> 
> I’m so sad and upset with myself because I know all of this. I watch many YouTube videos and read about all of this. So from a therapy perspective I know all of it. I just can’t move.
> 
> I’m paralyzed. I pray to God every night to please grant me a miracle, to build me up where I’ve been torn down and to remove him from my life. To do for me what I can’t do for myself. I feel like I’m there where he’s saying to get him out but I need strength and courage to finally do it.
> 
> The last bad relationship I was in many many years ago, truly the only reason I was able to get away from him was because he went to jail. Otherwise, who knows when I would have gotten him out of my life.
> 
> So yes, I need a miracle. I need strength. I need courage.
> 
> I’m still praying and I still need encouragement from you all.
> 
> You will get put when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving. Only you can do this. People can encourage etc etc but if you are not listening and are intent on reliving your misery over and over then what do you expect people on here to do or say?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> I’m paralyzed. I pray to God every night to please grant me a miracle, to build me up where I’ve been torn down and to remove him from my life. To do for me what I can’t do for myself. I feel like I’m there where he’s saying to get him out but I need strength and courage to finally do it.
> 
> So yes, I need a miracle. I need strength. I need courage.
> 
> I’m still praying and I still need encouragement from you all.


God can't drive a car that is in park. Ever heard of faith? God isn't in the business of waving a wand and, poof!, bad things go away. He expects us to make the first move, which means stepping out in faith, no matter how terrified we may be. 

Since you mention frequently that you are "paralyzed" by fear, I'll give you a great example of what I'm talking about:

There was a lame/crippled man who sat beside the Bethesda fountain for 38 years. Every time an angel would stir up the water - meaning those who jumped in the pool would be healed - this poor slob just sat there bemoaning the fact that nobody would pick him up and put him in the pool. Jesus came along and listened to this guy tell of his predicament. Did Jesus pick him up? Nope. He looked at the man and said, "GET UP!" The man got up, picked up the mat he'd been languishing on for 38 years, and walked.

You want a miracle, fine. All God asks is you take the first step in faith. No matter how fearful you are. If you would kick out your loser husband, if you would take a firm stand, if you would quit wringing your hands and moaning about your predicament, you'd be absolutely amazed at what God could and would do for you. 

But until you do that, I'm afraid you are going to be stuck. People pray for miracles all the time. Trouble is, people don't back up their prayers with the faith to step out of their situation and THEN put their trust in God.

JMO.


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## Emerging Buddhist

I have just read this entire thread from the beginning and this has been one of the hardest… 

It is easy to be insecure, we all have something that will rise to the task of doubting ourselves but one cannot just let fear take over every aspect of life and spiral down to a chronic self-harm or we will become so dysfunctional we cannot choose to even love ourselves.

I’ve learned that suffering is caused by desire… brought by choices we either suffer or remove suffering, but when we become dependent on suffering because anything is better than the fear of nothing, we stall in climbing the tree of life and fall in a tailspin hitting every branch on the way down.

It is like trying to prove failure… you consistently wonder “why can’t I do better?”. There is so much manipulation and control you are fighting that self-judgement becomes self-harm trying to find your way on someone else’s terms. Sure your reaction to the challenge of manipulation paints you as the struggling one, you are either an actor reading the script until you begin to believe it or you stop being directed. Act the part enough and you become the part, believing you are less than you are until the day that you begin to retake control.

When the person knows exactly which buttons to hit, how to hit them, and then guide your reaction into a “if only you weren’t the way you are” discussion… they do not love you. What they want is to keep you in self-doubt, relationship weak, and then confirm what they believe you need to know.

Get off the self-blame train or you will continue to struggle to see clearly.

Feeling sorry for yourself is what we in Buddhism call a “second-arrow”… you already know life where you are is hard, feeling like one thing after another after another, this is the “first arrow”. These are the things you do not introduce into your life but are upsetting and put you to a point of needing to make a decision. 

Make a good decision and you relieve the suffering.

How you react to them and make them worse is the “second arrow”, starting to look for reasons why: “I’m not good enough, unlovable, a failure, weak. We turn on ourselves in ways that defeat every chance to rise above the hurt and doubt.

You need help to conquer this self-loathing and I understand you are turning to therapy, but there is so much acceptance you have to find first or your therapy will just be time spent instead of time for growth spent.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Which denomination of Christianity are you @solost12?

You may want some counseling along the faith you hold closest, there are many who guide and help understanding with what we face both in our understanding of our ourselves and our spirituality at the same time.


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## solost12

Hello:

I know that I need faith. I haven't had it for a long time. In much of anything. I was raised Catholic but haven't practiced that since I graduated from high school.

Again, I know I need faith. I have asked for God/the universe to do for me what I can't do for myself. 

I did see a therapist yesterday and she was ok. I didn't really feel a great connection. This was my 2nd time seeing her. The one thing that I got from her was that I'm completely validated to get out of the relationship because of the physical alone, that he isn't going to change, that he won't have conversations with me because he doesn't want to own up to anything and is clearly in denial about the situation with his kids.

I told her that I feel stuck. I know that I need to make the move. She said not stuck. I said frozen. She said frozen sounds more like it. Which makes sense. I'm not stuck. It's my apartment, all of my furniture, etc. Only his clothes are there. 

She told me that what I need to work on right now is not letting him make me doubt myself. Because he has me thinking that I'm wrong and crazy and questioning myself. She said I need to trust in what I feel and trust my gut and what my feelings are. 

I am scheduling to see someone else. Someone that I saw a year ago who I thought was ok. I'll give her another shot. Or maybe see both until I figure out which one I connect with.

Of course he's being extra nice the last few days. Calling a ton, saying he loves me, taking care of me, cooking for me, etc. Makes me feel like oh wow. I'm going to let go of this? Silly. I think it's cause I've never had a guy take care of me that way before. Just being honest. I know it shouldn't change my mind. Just makes me feel a certain way.

I also feel bad for him because his three older controlling sisters keep pressuring him to get his kids and take them from their mom out of town. I said that's not fair to him or the mom because those kids aren't neglected or abused. On top of that, that is a discussion for him and his ex. Not for his sisters to pressure him to do. So I feel bad for him there. Because they guilt him. They always have. He gets guilted from his ex, his kids, his three older sisters. It doesn't change anything. Just saying how I feel.

I have to focus on the reality though. 

So yes, I know that God won't miraculously do something but I wish he would miraculously do for me what I can't do for myself. I wish he would unfreeze me. Or the universe. I'm honestly up for any help right now.


----------



## Bremik

So in all the nice things he has been saying and doing lately plus the ways his sisters have made it hard on him- how does that compare to all the things you wrote down that he has done to YOU that are bad? Do you feel the same way about the guy who has done those bad things? 

I can tell you from my life that the minute you forget the bad or embrace the temporary nice acts- and yes they are temporary until you get back in line- you are taking huge steps backwards. Fear of being without him is controlling you. 

You have your own place, your own income. You are almost there. If he truly loved you he would be willing to give you the space you need and not be taking advantage of things that are yours.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Yes, you should focus... you have too many minds right now to see anything clearly.

It seems (for you), the process is not trusted... any process for that matter because doubt fills every corner. It sounds as for you, for the life around you, nothing is trusted and you need something to trust, and badly. You keep placing your primary trust (faith) in others and are disappointed time and time again with the lesson never learned which keeps you from moving forward.

Lessons never leave us until they are learned.

Disappointment happens in life, all the time in fact, and when it becomes too heavy, too often for a single area at some point you have to say to yourself "my expectations are not going to be met and the things I thought I valued are hurting me, I need to leave the things that hurt me in a way that allows my inner calm to be the thing I value most".

Your doubt hurts you.

Your marriage hurts you.

The family connected to your marriage hurts you.

This is simple math really... 

I wonder if to him you are his wife or are you just someone who puts up with him? He is a charmer, seen those, married those... could cut you down and say things that cause doubt to your very soul on the way but get out of the car and they are the best thing around.

That is pure manipulation in the worst way and it's not taking care of you, it is controlling you. Every time he hurts your calm he balances it with a nicety, knowing the buttons of your needs are directly connected to how poorly he can treat you and your codependency accepts this as worth it when it is anything but yet your doubt will trip you up every time.

Feeling bad for someone who has things out of their control is compassion... feeling bad for someone who has control but they instead use their problem to make it your problem and belittle you for voicing your concern is manipulation, and that is a heartless and abusive trait.

Feel bad for him, then say "no".

You cannot fix him.

You can and should fix yourself... we should all work on ourselves and love ourselves more this way.

Faith in yourself is just as important as your spiritual faith... pick one reality and apply this one single belief to it.

Then tell him "no" one time in an area that is hurting you.

Then trust the process...


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## solost12

Thank you THANK YOU...This has all put a different spin on things and opening my eyes in a different way. I'm going to re-read over and over.

I feel like sometimes if he could, if he had his own things he would have had his own place. Left me. 

I mean, I know that if his kids were moving here his plan is to leave/was to leave so it makes me feel like yes, I'm being used in a sense. To get him where he needs until he has to go. I mean, he'll say he wants all of us to go but I've made it clear that I cannot and WILL not live with him AND his kids full time. There's no way...EVER

With all of this said, when I tell him to go, what do I say? Especially since he's been nice. 

But you're right, I can't let the nice cloud me.

Again, what I read above = total eye openers in a completely different way!


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## Emerging Buddhist

You let him know by saying it simple and clear... "You need to find another place, you cannot stay here anymore".

Two things will happen: 

1) He accepts that you are looking at this though new eyes and respects that (and you).

2) He counters with frustration because he is losing control of you and begins spinning all he can.

If the spin begins, use only three responses:

* I'm sorry you feel that way...
* I see things differently...
* I'm not ok with "X" (whatever X may be).

Do not get into any conversation and try to explain, it will only be twisted against you.

Compassion has boundaries too, you do feel bad and that's ok because he is someone you cared about, feeling bad doesn't make it wrong it just means you have a compassionate heart. 

It also means now it's time to care more about you.

Some day he will not be able to hurt you anymore... that day may not be today, but today begins with taking ownership of your life with one simple word.

No.

It is not a harsh word... for you right here, right now, it is the first step of loving yourself more.


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## turnera

You need to find another place. This is my home and you can't stay here anymore.


----------



## solost12

Hello everyone:

I know it’s been a while and I’m sure that most of you were expecting to hear from me again. Life has been crazy after my surgery I got back on medication my depression went away I started therapy about a month ago and I have been feeling so much better mentally am not perfect but more of a positive outlook on certain things which I haven’t had in a very long time.

The one thing that hasn’t changed is that my husband is still here and he has been worse than ever the last few months have been hell with him drinking and driving at levels that I’ve never seen before. Also gambling. Disappearing for hours and coming home to the point where he is so drunk that he has been falling on the ground passing out, etc. Which is the worst that I’ve seen him in the whole 12 years that we’ve been together. I know that in my previous post I have explained that he is an addict. I told him that if he continues on the path that he was then that he was going to wind up killing himself for killing someone on the road. Again because I’ve never seen him this bad where he doesn’t even remember where he is or what he’s done. Well, he did get it dui and it was the Sunday before last. This is his sixth dui. Three of them before we were together and three of them while we were together. I was praying that something like this would happen, because I thought that maybe it would be a wake up call. That he would change. And then after everything he has done after everything that we have been through that he would no longer want to hurt me and do better for himself and for our marriage. 

Him and I have just been co existing. I have told him numerous times that I am not happy I know that he’s not happy in that I want him to leave but he obviously has not taking me seriously because this has been a threat that I have given for a very long time now and he still living here. Well, after he promised me after this last incident that he would never drink again and get the help that he needs he went out last night and was at the bar for eight hours after work and didn’t drive because he can’t but went to work at midnight and wound up staying overnight there. He is the most vain person I know and for him to go to work and stay there overnight and wake up the next morning knowing that he was going to be around a ton of people that he was wearing the day before in the same clothes just to me said well this is Rockbottom especially because all of this is happening a week after he was arrested.

I told him today that he needs to get out, that I no longer want to be a wife of an alcoholic, that I understand he’s in a dark place as he misses his children and him and I have not been doing well that I have been checked out and I understand that but there’s no excuse for all of this. I told him he doesn’t love himself so there’s no way that he can love me and he needs help. I have offered to go with him to get help I have offered so many things to help him but he doesn’t take the offer. He just keeps saying that he has the control to stop it. He said today that he felt horrible about it but he knows that He can stop whenever he wants. And that he doesn’t have a disease nor is an addict. I told him that this is a problem because unless he believes that there is an issue he will not get the help that he needs and he will continue to do the same thing. There may be times of brief moments where he does not for 
a few days But it will happen again.

He has been on a crazy downward spiral also since he started hanging around this friend at work that is such a bad influence on him. I’m not blaming his friend, however I know that my husband has been acting very different since hanging around him. Sometimes I wonder if they were having an affair or something behind my back because that’s how crazy and differently things have been so quickly in the last few months.

Soooo I am at a point where now I’m feeling even more guilty because I’m seeing the self-destruction and I am seeing this person that I never saw before. I mean I saw this behavior before but never this frequently and never to this level. In my thoughts were if I was in loving and supporting wife, is it’s the right thing to do to leave? Or actually not me leave because I am situated in my apartment and he’s not on the lease but make him leave. When he has nowhere to go. I know that with everything That has happened, including the physical in the past including issues with his children including the verbal abuse emotional abuse and all of these things that putting him out is the right thing to do, right? 

He has me stuck in a place because he told me that he would have to stay at a hotel and that he’s having a hard time finding an apartment that fits his budget. I know that that is not my problem.


I know that my job is not to save him. He has to want to help himself and save himself but he keeps saying that he’s going to do that and he doesn’t. I feel like unless his children were living with us full-time he would not be happy and he would continue down this downward spiral and that is so unfair to me because a healthy normal human being would except the fact that his situation is the way that it is with his children and learn to deal with it’s in healthier ways.


I really am at a point where I am so done. As hard as it may seem in his heart it will be for me to do. I know in my deepest heart of hearts that I have to let this go. I can’t let him try and talk me into believing that he will change and then we have a bright future like he says. There has been no sign other than five days this just recently where he didn’t have a drink. So to me that’s definitely not long enough. I know for my safety that it’s not good for him to be living with me And last night I was so worried that he was going to come here and do something crazy because he was drunk and violent and I could not sleep and I pray to God that he would not come here and God answered my prayer and he did not come here. So I don’t know I feel like I know what I need to do, but now that I see the severity of his disease, I feel like I’m being an unsupportive wife by putting him out on the street with nowhere to stay according to him other than a hotel.

I really have tried though, for many years I’ve saved by his side through everything even though he’s done me wrong. I know that I’m not perfect and I know that I have my issues however I am in therapy and I’m working on myself. He is not. So please I’m asking for you guys because now I’m at a point of total uncertainty although I feel like I know what I need to do. Again reason is because I feel like I know now that this is really a disease that he needs help for her but he doesn’t think he needs help so what can I do? It’s out of my hands.

Can you all help me here? Because I want him out. I just am feeling guilty more than ever for doing something like that. Or am I wrong in being an unsupportive life by kicking my husband out of my apartment when he is down and out and going through something. Again though, I’ve offered to help him I’ve offered to do positive things with him. But he says what else is he supposed to do come home and go to sleep? And that his binge drinking is only twice a week or has only been once since he got the DU I. So there’s lots of justifying. He has also done a lot of apologizing and promising that I won’t happen again. But has not lived up to that.

Please help me. I know that you all are probably not surprised that I’m still in the situation, but I have started therapy. The only mental thing that is killing me right now is dealing with an alcoholic husband that I have no control over. And I just want to be happy and live a positive life and not feel bad for doing that. But I know it’s time to much has happened. I just need some encouragement and support to know that me putting him out because he is an alcoholic and keeps breaking promises on top of everything else that he has done is not the wrong thing to do. He has me questioning myself because he said that would we not have our problems in the marriage and would he not have the issues were he’s missing his children things would be different. So I feel that if it were different and I were different then he wouldn’t be drinking like he isn’t doing the things that he has.

What do I do and how do I approach this? Do I tell him that tonight is his last night here and that I am changing the locks tomorrow and then he has to go and find somewhere to stay until they can get it together and find an apartment? Again, this is my apartment and when I moved here he was not supposed to come with me and he was in a bad situation with being laid off so I just let him come and stay and I never really got to be alone the way that I wanted to after he pushed me. It was supposed to be done then. And then it was supposed to be done the last time he went out and got super drunk and the last time after that and the time after that and the time after that and then for sure after the DUI and now last night again. It’s like come on? I just want that to be alone and heal my codependency and my problems. Because I know that I am codependent. This is something that I do not deny.

I am heartbroken and the thought of being without him the good side of him is killing me I haven’t eaten and I’ve been crying like crazy. I feel like I’m losing myself more to all of this and I don’t want to do that anymore I want to live a good life a happy life of confident life. Please help. I need encouragement and support and to know that what I’m doing is the right thing and to also know the best way to approach it. 

Sorry that this is so long it’s just that I’ve been away for a while and again just really really need some support and advice here and hoping to hear from some of you by tomorrow because I am in a really bad state of mind right now. Thank you in advance and I really look forward to hearing from you soon!


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## 3Xnocharm

You’re not done... because you are still doing the same thing you have been. You think you can just wish him out of your home. Hows that working for you? He knows all you do is just blow smoke, so he’s never going to take you seriously unless you take some kind of real action. Stop it with the damn guilt. To hell with the piece of crap, who cares what happens to him once he’s gone?? Find a legal way to get authorities to help get him out of your home. 

You have only yourself to blame that you’re still in this, so stop saying that HE has you stuck. 




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## solost12

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*

I agree 3xnocharm. I can have the locks changed tomorrow while he’s working?

Or do I give him a week? 

I really am 10000% ready to be alone despite the pain ahead. It takes time for some or us to reach our limit and I’ve reached mine. 

I have a big heart, always have. That isn’t a bad thing and me wanting to ask if I’m doing this the right way cause I don’t want anyone in a bad place doesn’t make me a bad person. 

It also scares me so much thinking if something bad happens to him I will blame myself for not being a good wife. I would question if it’s my fault. 

Just how I feel. 

I sense so much frustration in a lot of the responses and that’s not fair. You haven’t walked in my shoes so please be patient with me. I’m here for help, have been honest, I know I have my own issues and I own that but at least I’m taking steps.

So please don’t give up me but I ask for you to try and understand why this is difficult.

Do I have the locks changed today? Is that too harsh? Or do I give a week? I really prefer not to have to but it’s a better way then I will.




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## hubbyintrubby

*Re: One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*



solost12 said:


> I agree 3xnocharm. I can have the locks changed tomorrow while he’s working?
> 
> Or do I give him a week?
> 
> I really am 10000% ready to be alone despite the pain ahead. It takes time for some or us to reach our limit and I’ve reached mine.
> 
> I have a big heart, always have. That isn’t a bad thing and me wanting to ask if I’m doing this the right way cause I don’t want anyone in a bad place doesn’t make me a bad person.
> 
> It also scares me so much thinking if something bad happens to him I will blame myself for not being a good wife. I would question if it’s my fault.
> 
> Just how I feel.
> 
> I sense so much frustration in a lot of the responses and that’s not fair. You haven’t walked in my shoes so please be patient with me. I’m here for help, have been honest, I know I have my own issues and I own that but at least I’m taking steps.
> 
> So please don’t give up me but I ask for you to try and understand why this is difficult.
> 
> Do I have the locks changed today? Is that too harsh? Or do I give a week? I really prefer not to have to but it’s a better way then I will.


Have the locks changed today. After all that you have been through, that is in no way too harsh. Not even close. He is a grown-ass man who has made grown-ass man decisions to put his life where it is today. Let him live through the consequences of those decisions. 

And please please please talk to your therapist about codependency. I sense that you are in the water up over your head in codependency issues, and that is very much steering your decision making process.


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## solost12

Thank you.

I am definitely codependent and have abandonment issues. I know all of these things. My eyes are open and I’m very aware. 

That’s why I question. Of course he makes me question and his words have me thinking what if he does do all he says? Then the next woman gets the good of him when I could have gotten that had I stayed? Probably irrational. Sharing my thoughts. 

What do I tell him? He doesn’t have clothes or his things. 

I feel bad despite knowing all of this. Crying so hard right now thinking of all of this. I’m so sad. I’m crushed. I can’t even fake a smile. Physically cannot do it.

It’s cause I love him. I married him. Have spent 12 years of my life with him. We have done everything together. He knows everything about me down to the core. My eating disorder. Everything. When he’s good has been so good hence why I was so smitten with him. So this is killing me inside. I’m so mas at myself for moving forward with him thinking I could change him.

So naturally when he says he’s going to change my heart feels relieved in a sense and I want to stick it out because of how I feel about him. 

So how do I deal with the what if’s? The fear of being alone? The pain? The what if I made a mistake? 

I’m having a really hard time and I’m fragile. This is tearing me apart. 


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## hubbyintrubby

solost12 said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I am definitely codependent and have abandonment issues. I know all of these things. My eyes are open and I’m very aware.
> 
> That’s why I question. Of course he makes me question and his words have me thinking what if he does do all he says? Then the next woman gets the good of him when I could have gotten that had I stayed? Probably irrational. Sharing my thoughts.
> 
> What do I tell him? He doesn’t have clothes or his things.
> 
> I feel bad despite knowing all of this. Crying so hard right now thinking of all of this. I’m so sad. I’m crushed. I can’t even fake a smile. Physically cannot do it.
> 
> It’s cause I love him. I married him. Have spent 12 years of my life with him. We have done everything together. He knows everything about me down to the core. My eating disorder. Everything. When he’s good has been so good hence why I was so smitten with him. So this is killing me inside. I’m so mas at myself for moving forward with him thinking I could change him.
> 
> So naturally when he says he’s going to change my heart feels relieved in a sense and I want to stick it out because of how I feel about him.
> 
> So how do I deal with the what if’s? The fear of being alone? The pain? The what if I made a mistake?
> 
> I’m having a really hard time and I’m fragile. This is tearing me apart.


I think you just have to know that whoever is with him next, will *eventually* end up with the same version of him as you have now. Even if he appears as Mr. Perfect at first to them, it can't last...not with him. 

You are so upset right now because you are, in all reality, mourning a loss. A loss of a love, a loss of a life you knew and wanted, and the loss of a partner. Nobody is faulting you for being upset over that. Perfectly natural. 

Tell him that when he wants to return to get his things to call the police to escort him to the address to get them. That way, things have very little chance of going sideways on you. He gets his things, you have the locks changed and he can't come back.


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## solost12

Thank you. Are you a male or female? Just asking because I think it’s interesting to get a view point from a male as well.

What do I do about things for him in the short term? Because he went to work this morning, is at work right now. He doesn’t have anything with him.

Also, I’m going to email my apartment landlord right now to see if he can get the lock changed before he gets home today at 3 PM. I’m not sure if that’s going to be possible. If it’s not, what do you suggest that I do?


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## hubbyintrubby

solost12 said:


> Thank you. Are you a male or female? Just asking because I think it’s interesting to get a view point from a male as well.
> 
> What do I do about things for him in the short term? Because he went to work this morning, is at work right now. He doesn’t have anything with him.
> 
> Also, I’m going to email my apartment landlord right now to see if he can get the lock changed before he gets home today at 3 PM. I’m not sure if that’s going to be possible. If it’s not, what do you suggest that I do?


I'm a male. 

If you don't want to have a police officer standby to have him get his things, you could always gather them up and have them waiting in the apartment or rental office to where you live if management is ok with that. That way, you wouldn't even need to have direct contact with him if you didn't want to. Then, let him know by phone or text message what is happening, where his things can be found. 

I'm sure if you let the management know what your specific situation is, they won't hesitate in having the locks changed for you.


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## Blondilocks

No one can help you because you refuse to help yourself.


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## solost12

Thanks

He’s not on the lease so I wouldn’t be able to do that 


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## Affaircare

Then rent a storage space for one month, pack his things, place the boxes in the storage unit, and leave the key to the storage unit taped on the door with a note that says, “I told you I wanted you gone. Your things are here (name of storage place) unit # X.” 

The end.

He is a grown man with means to support himself and he can stay in a motel for a couple days to figure out a place to stay.

You BLOCK his phone number, remove him from all social media, and delete him from email. 

In other words stop “talking” and start acting. You have a busy day—so get going.

BTW I am a female


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## solost12

Thanks!! So I’m doing the right tying right? Again feel like I’m a high maintenance unsupportive wife. 


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## hubbyintrubby

solost12 said:


> Thanks!! So I’m doing the right tying right? Again feel like I’m a high maintenance unsupportive wife.


You are doing the right thing. We are giving you permission to do this. This is absolutely the right thing to do.


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## Girl_power

It’s up to you how you want to physically get rid of him. However him think you can actually go through with it. If you want to tell him he has 1 week and start packing his stuff up and then when that day comes change the locks... that’s fair.


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## Spotthedeaddog

solost12 said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I am definitely codependent and have abandonment issues. I know all of these things. My eyes are open and I’m very aware.


Co-dependency is good thing for a while. Me and a girlfriend were in the space and we truly saved each other. I got some opportunities and dragged her along with me, she kept me going when nothing else could, and she moved forward too eventually, but started sabotaging me to keep the relationship in her safe zone, unfortunately it eventually ended, as I suppose that all such deals-with-the-devil must. She moved on and upwards (although plateaued for last couple of years); where my start rose a little then, when health went downhill, glad she not stuck here.

With co-dependency, to be healthy, there has to be an end point, where one or both of you had grown and must move on.


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## She'sStillGotIt

solost12 said:


> This is his sixth dui. Three of them before we were together and three of them while we were together. I was praying that something like this would happen, because I thought that maybe it would be a wake up call. That he would change.


Could this guy BE any more a freakin' LOSER?

Exactly WHO is footing the bill for this complete loser's continued drinking and gambling and all the debt incurred every time he gets himself yet _*another*_ DUI? Every single thing this ass-hole DOES while you're still married to him becomes MARITAL debt. And God forbid, if he'd maimed or killed someone driving around drunk, you BOTH would have been sued for likely much more than the limit of your insurance liability and THAT lien/judgment would be on top of your head for the rest of your born days. You'd never see another tax return or own anything outright or ever see another full paycheck again! Is that what you want?

This POS is nothing but a DAILY RISK and *liability* to you - what part of that don't you comprehend?



> Well, after he promised me after this last incident that he would never drink again and get the help that he needs he went out last night and was at the bar for eight hours after work


Come on, OP. Stop pretending to be so obtuse that you actually BELIEVE the bull**** this POS spews. This isn't your first rodeo with this lying drunk so stop acting like anything he says has even one bit of merit because you know full well it doesn't.

You want this drunken POS out of your life? If you lose your nerve and don't have the locks changed, then think about enrolling him in-patient rehab for 30 days and tell him he's going or you'll be at your lawyer's in the morning - and then for a huge change, *do something you SAY you're going to do and go see your lawyer.* Your empty words and empty threats mean nothing at this point - so start standing behind what you say. Get to a lawyer and start the process of ridding yourself of this parasite. Once he's in rehab, gather up all his crap and put it in storage (in his name - let HIM deal with the unpaid bill for the next umpteen months when he doesn't pay it). Change your locks and let him know he can stay at a halfway house when he comes out of rehab because he's no longer welcome at your place.

You don't need our help. You just need to stop pandering to a worthless drunk.

The definition of *insanity* is doing the same thing over and over and over - and expecting different results. And that's what you've been doing for years. Just stop the damned insanity already.


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## Blondilocks

If you're looking for a knight in shining armor to rescue you, I doubt you'll find one on this forum. And, if you do, he won't be someone you'll want to keep. Be careful with whom you private message.


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## RebuildingMe

I came back to read your update. I was hoping it would be I saw a lawyer and filed for divorce. Instead, it’s more of the same. You haven’t changed your situation at all, so you continue to live in hell. At what point do you stop blaming him and look in the mirror and blame yourself for not being strong enough to permanently end this relationship?


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## solost12

Hi! Believe me, I blame myself. I feel so pathetic and have lost all self respect.

Right now, he’s here cause I couldn’t get the locks changed in time. Management needs few days notice for that.

I am super sick. Just got tested for COVID-19 and hoping the results are negative. 

In the meantime, I’m too exhausted to deal with anything else but the plan is to divorce. I have a few calls in and waiting to hear back.

Maybe some of you can help in that regard? I had the paperwork filled out to file the divorce myself. We don’t own a house or car together and have always had separate bank accounts. I don’t want alimony from him. So I thought to file myself BUT aren’t I entitled to some or his pension and 401k since we’ve been married going on 3 years? He is a GM employee so I think they have all
Of that stuff. Or am I not entitled to any of that? If not, then I don’t need an attorney and can file on my own.

Suggestions? 

But back to what you all said, I more then ever don’t want legal or financial ties to him.

I wish I could force him to rehab. I wish they would throw him in jail but that won’t happen. He always slides through these things easily. 

So I don’t know how to approach amidst this quarantine stuff he may have it if I have it.

I am divorcing him. My mind is made up. Just now to get through this sickness stuff and I need you all to keep me strong through it cause of course he’s being golden husband taking care of me while I’m sick.

So please keep me strong. And I really look forward to what you think about divorce stuff.

Thanks and I hope you’re all staying as healthy as possible! 


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## turnera

*Re: One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*



solost12 said:


> I agree 3xnocharm. I can have the locks changed tomorrow while he’s working?
> 
> Or do I give him a week?
> 
> I really am 10000% ready to be alone despite the pain ahead. It takes time for some or us to reach our limit and I’ve reached mine.
> 
> I have a big heart, always have. That isn’t a bad thing and me wanting to ask if I’m doing this the right way cause I don’t want anyone in a bad place doesn’t make me a bad person.
> 
> It also scares me so much thinking if something bad happens to him I will blame myself for not being a good wife. I would question if it’s my fault.
> 
> Just how I feel.
> 
> I sense so much frustration in a lot of the responses and that’s not fair. You haven’t walked in my shoes so please be patient with me. I’m here for help, have been honest, I know I have my own issues and I own that but at least I’m taking steps.
> 
> So please don’t give up me but I ask for you to try and understand why this is difficult.
> 
> Do I have the locks changed today? Is that too harsh? Or do I give a week? I really prefer not to have to but it’s a better way then I will.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I would pack up his stuff and move it to a storage facility. Let him see you doing it (as long as you're not afraid he will become violent). Once it's done, give him the key and tell him he has until the next Sunday night to move out and if he refuses, you will call the sheriffs to help you. 

This IS you helping him, ok? Enablers of alcoholics tell themselves they are helping by propping the person up, but the only way he will ever get help is if you stop enabling him.


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## solost12

Thanks! I can’t see him letting me do that in front of him.

Any other options? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera

LETTING you do what? Why do you need his permission to do anything?


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## solost12

I mean from a violent stand point. Moving his things in front of him while he’s here.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## hubbyintrubby

solost12 said:


> I mean from a violent stand point. Moving his things in front of him while he’s here.


Call the cops. Request a "civil standby"...say exactly that. The police will come, keep the peace between him and yourself as you or he packs his things, and they will make sure he is gone before they leave.


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## solost12

Ok thanks!

He’s trying to make me feel bad or I I actually feel bad because he is talking about how his daughters are supposed to come here for spring break at the beginning of April. And that’s just way way far for me to think we’re actually just a few 20 days away. I told him this morning that things aren’t back to normal and that if his kids to come here for spring break that he needs to figure out where they’re going to stay And who is going to show for them all over the world like he typically does and he cannot do because he does not have a car or driving privileges which he may have by that point but I doubt it.

Am I being too harsh by laying that down? I just don’t want to be responsible for his children anymore or go above and beyond anymore because of the history of being taken advantage of and never being able to discuss issues about them etc. and me not being able to be a wife and a stepmom with Santee in the situation. I’m just done even after he has said things will be different this time he has shown me the last time when I said they weren’t staying here and I let them that things are not going to change. And I don’t want to be around it. And I don’t want to support it. They’re his kids his responsibility..

But am I being wrong for telling him that he needs to find a place for his children to stay? All of that stuff? I don’t wanna hurt anyone’s Feelings and I know that if it were the other way around he would not do this to me but I am also not the same as him and my daughter also has never acted the way that his children have.

I’m feeling extremely conflicted here and guilty because that’s just who I am so I’m hoping that you can help me feel better or stronger about this so that I don’t go back on my word again. Please.


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## hubbyintrubby

No, you're not being too harsh. 

Letting him stay like you are is far too lenient.


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## Blondilocks

Good grief! The whole country is being locked down due to the coronavirus and you're going to let his kids come back and infect you? 

And, yes, that is exactly what you will do because you enjoy being the victim way too much. This entire thread is just a way for you to get attention.


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## Joshua Childers

What a great resource.


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## Affaircare

@solost12, 

Please rent a storage space for one month, pack his things, place the boxes in the storage unit, and leave the key to the storage unit taped on the door with a note that says, “I told you I wanted you gone. Your things are here (name of storage place) unit # X.”

*The end.*

He is a grown man with means to support himself and he can stay in a motel for a couple days to figure out a place to stay.

You BLOCK his phone number, remove him from all social media, and delete him from email.

*In other words stop “talking” and start acting. You have a busy day—so get going.*


P.S. I'm going to keep typing this until you do it. All thos other talk about his kids coming for Spring Break is :bsflag: He should be OUT OF YOUR HOUSE, and then if they want to stay with him at his motel, HE can figure out how to entertain them! 

Pack his things. Today. Right now. 
Get him out. Today. Right now.


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## solost12

Thanks!

NO, I'm sorry but this thread is NOT for attention. How dare you say that. That is not true and super harsh. This is my real life, my real feeling's, what I'm REALLY struggling with. 

His kids are NOT coming here! I already said that. I was feeling about it saying it though so I was hoping that you would help me feel better about it. But they are NOT staying with me.

The plan is for him to be gone before that.

I didn't come here to get scolded or to be made to feel a certain way. I'm truly struggling so if you could please not be so harsh I would appreciate it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> I didn't come here to get scolded or to be made to feel a certain way. I'm truly struggling so if you could please not be so harsh I would appreciate it.


Okay. I'll approach this from a detached, logical angle. You came here seven months ago. People offered advice and support. You would follow up by saying something along the lines of, "Yes, I know I'm [fill in the blank]." 

Next, you would say he was making you feel a certain way. When you agreed you had to be responsible for your feelings, you would revert to lots of questions along the lines of, "What should I do?" or "Can anyone support me?" or "How should I proceed with the information you have provided?"

AGAIN, we would offer support and advice. AGAIN, you would say you are struggling. Nothing changes. Surely you must see that. You should also realize that you are frustrating everyone who has tried to help, because of what has become your standard operating procedure - since you started this thread - is to have a meltdown, ask for advice, blame yourself, blame him, then start all over again.

I'm just telling you that nobody online has the power to help you or give you the support you need. Why? Because YOU DON'T TAKE ONE SINGLE CONCRETE ACTION TO IMPROVE YOUR OWN CIRCUMSTANCES.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true. You either get yourself unstuck or you stay stuck. Your life. Your choice.


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## Prodigal

And, P.S., just to prove what I'm saying is right: Across the board, you were told by many posters not to give your loser husband a key to your new apartment when you moved. You never came out and said you gave him a key, but as you posted, it was evident YOU GAVE HIM A KEY TO YOUR APARTMENT.

Then you started moaning and groaning about how you couldn't get him out. Okay. You were told, again, by a number of posters how to proceed. Lots of advice, lots of support. AGAIN, you came back complaining you couldn't get rid of him and you needed support.

Lady, we are just regular people on the internet. We don't have the ability to give you the support you need, obviously.

Either rent a storage locker, dump his crap in it, and change the locks on your doors or just live with your overly-dramatic looney situation. Please, no excuses about the logistics of getting rid of the bum. You've had since August to get rid of him. Plenty of time to formulate and plan and execute it. 

Yeah, I know, I know, you are weak, you're afraid, blah, blah. Just. Stop. It. NOW. Seriously.


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## MattMatt

It's so easy to give advice.

"You must do blah blah blah."

"Throw them out and change the locks."

"Remove half of the money from the bank. You deserve it."

By the time people realise that the Unicorn riding prince or princess they thought they married was a cunningly disguised ogre or ogress it can be too late for instant, easy action. Kids, job, family, location, fear all can make the instant easy action not practicable or viable.

And some advice, if followed, would get the wronged spouse in jail.


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## Blondilocks

Since he has been living there since August, he most likely has a legal right to reside there. Good luck getting him out, now. Good luck in keeping him from allowing his daughters to move into his legal residence. 

It's a fine mess you've gotten yourself into. It may require an actual divorce filing and court action to get him out. But, you probably already know that.


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## Prodigal

MattMatt said:


> It's so easy to give advice.


No, it's not particularly easy to give this particular poster shoot-from-the-hip advice. But I lived it. My first alcoholic husband had an unregistered hand gun in his office. He'd already slapped me around several times when I found that gun. I lived with a crazy alcoholic. I lived in a similar situation as the OP. I'm addressing this from real-life experience. 



MattMatt said:


> By the time people realise that the Unicorn riding prince or princess they thought they married was a cunningly disguised ogre or ogress it can be too late for instant, easy action.


OP has been reporting on this same situation for seven months. Her husband has six DUI's. It sounds like he morphed into a mean, manipulative drunk quite some time ago. In fact, OP actually left him once but returned.

Sadly, at this point, OP is turning into her own worst enemy. Plenty of folks here have offered suggestions as to how she could remove this awful man from her life. And, more sadly, she's balked at implementing these suggestions.

I think her best, and possibly only hope is a professional counselor assisting her to gain the courage to leave.


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## MattMatt

I wasn't thinking about your advice.


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## Openminded

There’s obviously only so much posters can do to help. If you find that you are unable to implement the very good suggestions you’ve been given here then perhaps more time with your therapist would be beneficial.


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## Red Sonja

Prodigal said:


> I think her best, and possibly only hope is a professional counselor assisting her to gain the courage to leave.


Yes, this. When I was in a similar marriage a therapist helped me on my path to getting out. I had courage however my mind was so scattered from the years of gas-lighting that I could not seem to get an "exit plan" together. The therapist helped me break things down into small doable steps and helped track my progress so I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think sometimes that people forget what long-term abuse can do your brain ... I am a university educated woman with a successful STEM career however during that time I couldn't think my way out of a paper bag.


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## solost12

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*

Thank you all. I know this is a mess.

Because he’s been here since August you think I’ll have an issue getting him out?

Really? Now I’m panicking.

I can’t use past domestic issues or fear cause alcoholism?

And yes, unless you’ve been abused for as long as I have it’s hard to see why I’m where I’m at.

Of course I’m scared. What if I lose my job over this virus? My company’s gets most revenue from schools what if they close? I don’t have a savings account. I live pay check to pay check.

I’m 45 and what if?

Please take a sec to try and walk in my shoes although I know it’s hard. 

So, so many things! 

Right now though, is really legally entitled to live with me? It’s an apartment community. 

So now I have that to worry about.

I have the fear of losing my job.

I’m sorry you don’t understand but please try. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal

*Re: One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*



solost12 said:


> Now I’m panicking.


You have been panicking for months. Your life. Your choice.



solost12 said:


> And yes, unless you’ve been abused for as long as I have it’s hard to see why I’m where I’m at.


I was. 



solost12 said:


> What if I lose my job over this virus? My company’s gets most revenue from schools what if they close? I don’t have a savings account. I live pay check to pay check.


Millions of people are in the same situation. They are applying for unemployment. They are taking a job with Amazon, which currently has 100,000 openings. They are working with grocery store chains, that are desperate for people to stock the shelves and work in their warehouses to move inventory. So you are not alone.



solost12 said:


> I’m 45 and what if?


What if … what??? You don't find as great a guy as the piece of puke you're currently with? 

Please seek professional counseling. We can't help you here. I walked in your shoes, okay? Your problem is neither unique or special.


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## a_new_me

1. It is not your fault he is an addict. There is a problem inside of him that forces him to use substance as a coping mechanism.

2. He needs help. Real help. AA is not enough at this this point. He is beyond that.
Sounds more like he needs a 2-3 month stint in rehab, bi-weekly counselling sessions after and a complete life style change, including the ending of toxic relationships and avoiding things that trigger him.

Work on that first. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## solost12

We got into again today cause I was upset that he told me to be quiet cause he was texting the girls. 
I said I didn't know you were texting them.

Then I said I don't like how you talk to me and you should talk to me with more respect I said you have to realize how cool I've been and you're lucky to be here considering everything.

He said oh I’m so lucky just be quiet and leave me alone. I got upset and was trying to get him to hear me out and he went in the other room and closed the door on me. I opened it and was like that's rude he was like stop and started recording me on his phone like taunting me when I was trying to talk to him.

He said he was hoping that recording me would make me be quiet.

So he recorded me while I was upset. 
He said my voice was raised and it was cause I'm upset but I wasn't yelling at him I'm just upset about everything and he is Lucky to be here. Like he always shuts me down when I try to talk. 
Its terrible I felt so violated. 
He’s trying to make me feel like it’s my fault. He said I started it. That I can’t handle things and can’t be told to be quiet. That I make **** up in my head 
He said I can’t handle Anything. That no one talks to him the way I do. 
He said do you think anyone talks to me like that.

I told him to get out call his friend to pick him to take the FB picture he just randomly posted of our wedding yesterday which I don’t know why he did that THREE years later! That I want a divorce! 

He said don’t tell me what to do.
I said you’re in my apartment you’re not on the lease so get out! 

He said I didn’t want peace and quiet 
That I had to keep on and on. 

I said you want to record something? Record me telling you this, to have your friend pick you up, to take that fake profile pic down and that I want a divorce. I said record that. 

I’m so pissed I can’t stop crying 
Like I’m stressed about work, losing my job cause I couldn’t go in all week for possible Corona virus. My boss is acting strange to me. Just not looking
Good. So worried about that. I don’t have savings. 

Then I have my husband being disrespectful telling me “would you just be quiet” when I say something in response to him complaining about the apartment.

Me saying he was lucky to be here it’s cause it’s true. I’m trying to be cool despite everything during this social distancing and he should have more respect for me.

My feelings don’t matter to him. 

I sent him a pick of my bruised thigh and said you want to record me well here’s this. This is why you’re still lucky to here amongst other things! 

He said never to text him again 
He packed some of his things.

I said you’re making it seem like I did something wrong?! He said I played the wrong hand 

I said I can’t believe how you’re acting towards me! 

He said what man would allow his wife to talk to him the way you talk to me? Saying she wants a divorce! I said why wouldn’t I say that?! I’m fed up 
But you should be on your ****ing knees begging me for forgiveness and instead you start packing your bags?! 
I said you lost out he said yah right I lost out. I’m just doing what you asked me to do which is leave. He’s making me feel like I screwed up.

I tried to talk to him and he said stop. that having a conversation is gross to him. He said he’s respecting my wishes and leaving. That he doesn’t wanna be around me. That he wants to be away from Me.

Like I don’t even get what I said that was wrong? Yes I said divorce and all of that but what else am I supposed to say?! 

I did say a lot and his pride is shot cause I said he doesn’t live here and I want a divorce But my god! 

I feel so stupid I went in there earlier and was so mature I said listen we’re both on edge for many reasons I didn’t mean to hurt you but I think with all that’s going on this isn’t the best time I said. I said I still feel strongly about what I feel and said but I’m not going to Do that to you now. We can revisit later. 
He didn’t say Anything. Then I said nothing? No response? 
He said I’m still going. He said I don’t wanna be around this anymore. 
I said you’re a damn trip. I said one moment, one day and you’re acting like I did something so wrong and I said even though you did all you did and you’re still here? 

He said he’s gonna go to hotel that I’m inducing anxiety and anger and he doesn’t want to be around it.
I said ok then wow.

I needed to do that for myself cause it was the mature and bigger thing to do. 

I just feel super violated with him recording me. What is that? Should I record all he does?

I felt bad cause all this quarantine stuff so I said hold off. I just feel dumb.

I’m having anxiety. Worried about work, the recording and how violated I feel just everything.

Has anyone else here had their significant other record them
when they were upset? 


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## 3Xnocharm

OMG STOP LISTENING TO ANYTHING HE SAYS!! You had him OUT THE DOOR and you caved and backpedaled like you always do! Him recording you was just to get a reaction and manipulate you, and of course it worked. He knows exactly how to play you. 

So is he gone??




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## solost12

*One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*

No he isn’t. He fell asleep hours ago. 

Yes it worked. I caved cause he made me feel like I did something wrong. 

Especially after he put our wedding pic on FB yesterday after all these years and cause he made me feel like I overreacted today.

Which I didn’t, right?

I don’t think he was on his way out really. He would have left if really wanted to. 

He makes me feel like I’m so crazy and my behavior is inappropriate. 

This is why. What I said above and this virus and fear of losing job.

He also said the physical and when he pushed me was cause I poked a bear. That he doesn’t recall what happened but he’s sure it’s cause I did what I did today following him and trying to force him to talk or hear me out. So he made me feel like my fault. 

So now what? Revisit tomorrow? 

I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me here. I need help navigating through this. 

I feel like a mess. Am a mess. 


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## hubbyintrubby

@solost12

So many people have suggested so many things that you could be doing or could have done. You have not done them. 

Your only excuse so far that I've seen out of all of this is that it's hard. 

We know it's hard.

Some of us have been where you are. It is hard, we know.

Some of us can only pray that you see that you have been and continue to receive the advice and help you've been asking for from us.

None of us on the other sides of the screens can do what you need to do for you. 

Only you can.


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## Prodigal

*Re: One foot out the door &amp;#x1f61e;*



solost12 said:


> I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me here. I need help navigating through this.


You've been offered support and advice. You don't take it. You've left yourself "here" - we didn't.


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## solost12

I know you didn’t leave me here. This is such horrible timing. With the new virus orders in place of stay indoors.

He has no car, nowhere to stay other than hotel. So I shouldn’t feel bad but I am who I am and it’s hard not too. 

So what would you all do? Still put him out or wait till it’s over? Supposed to me April 6th.

I can be strong but I do feel bad. Help me be logical here please. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## attheend02

solost12 said:


> I know you didn’t leave me here. This is such horrible timing. With the new virus orders in place of stay indoors.
> 
> He has no car, nowhere to stay other than hotel. So I shouldn’t feel bad but I am who I am and it’s hard not too.
> 
> So what would you all do? Still put him out or wait till it’s over? Supposed to me April 6th.
> 
> I can be strong but I do feel bad. Help me be logical here please.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If he's what you describe, put him out.

no question.


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## Affaircare

*Re: One foot out the door*



solost12 said:


> I know you didn’t leave me here. This is such horrible timing. With the new virus orders in place of stay indoors.
> 
> He has no car, nowhere to stay other than hotel. So I shouldn’t feel bad but I am who I am and it’s hard not too.
> 
> So what would you all do? Still put him out or wait till it’s over? Supposed to me April 6th.
> 
> I can be strong but I do feel bad. Help me be logical here please.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 @solost12

Please rent a storage space for one month, pack his things, place the boxes in the storage unit, and leave the key to the storage unit taped on the door with a note that says, “I told you I wanted you gone. Your things are here (name of storage place) unit # X.”

*The end.*

He is a grown man with means to support himself and he can stay in a motel for a couple days to figure out a place to stay.

You BLOCK his phone number, remove him from all social media, and delete him from email.

*In other words stop “talking” and start acting. You have a busy day—so get going.*


P.S. I'm going to keep typing this until you do it. 

All this other talk about his kids coming for Spring Break, you having to entertain them, you two getting into it, him threatening to leave, you caving in because you feel bad...all of it is a smoke-screen to not act. * Stop talking and act.* 

Pack his things. Today. Right now.
Get him out. Today. Right now.


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## Livvie

Well depending on OPs location that might not be so easy if everything is shut down. Are hotels even open? Are apartments even being let right now? They aren't where I live. If OP has the virus and he's been living with her shouldn't he be quarantining with her?


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## SunCMars

When we let chaos win, we lose everything, including the will to live.

There is an 'air' about us. Even when windy it feels thick as thieves.

Robbing us of our freedom, our finances, our whole way of life.

It is making wealthier Westerners feel like those poor folks in those far-off ramble-shack places.

I know of its making and can only sit idly by while it runs its course, runs its blade, through all our heartlands.

This mind plague usually leads mankind into Great Wars. It is yet at some beginning, the middle yet to come.

The ending is always that ruin, that place of great woe and destruction.

I hope this 'air' is short lasting.


King Brian-


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## turnera

solost12 said:


> I know you didn’t leave me here. This is such horrible timing. With the new virus orders in place of stay indoors.
> 
> He has no car, nowhere to stay other than hotel. So I shouldn’t feel bad but I am who I am and it’s hard not too.
> 
> So what would you all do? Still put him out or wait till it’s over? Supposed to me April 6th.
> 
> I can be strong but I do feel bad. Help me be logical here please.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


What kind of man won't support himself and his wife enough to get his own car or at least figure out transportation. He's a user, he's been using you for awhile now, and he knows that all he has to do is browbeat you into feeling guilty and you stop standing up for yourself. He does it because IT WORKS. So stop letting it work. 

If you lose your job, file for unemployment; the government is giving $600 extra each week, I think; you will be fine. Start looking up organizations that can help you like United Way or Good Will. All the grocery stores are hiring; Amazon is hiring; you'll be ok. You just have to believe in yourself. 

Tell me this: Did your parents raise you expecting you not to be able to handle yourself? Doubtful. Rise up to your capabilities, ok? You can do this.


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## solost12

Hi thank you! I’ve been MIA as I’ve been called to work and am having anxiety about that.

He does his share, pays rent, cooks, cleans, etc. but I know he’s using me to some extent. 

As far as transportation, after his DUI and losing driving privileges, I didn’t take him to work or drive him around. Didn’t care to. This is a first for me which shows that I’m over it. 

We’re under stay at home order until May 1st. I hate more than ever being stuck here with him. 

I’m ready to be alone. My mind is made up. 

I feel terrible saying this but I can’t stand him. I can’t stand his face, his voice, his presence. I want peace.

Not only that, I’m afraid for my safety while he is here. He’s lost so many things. Hasn’t seen his daughters since Christmas l. Doesn’t have a car. Doesn’t have a job cause they are shut down. What if he snaps?

I don’t know anxiety is kicking my butt.

So now I feel really stuck. 

Please stay with me here. I need encouragement.

Hope you’re all health and well.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## solost12

Hi!

So today I’m having a bad day. PTSD and OCD in full force. Because of the emotional and physical abuse in the past and current. I’m angry and haven’t been kind. He knows I want him gone. I expressed to him today that I’m upset cause he said he always starts out the day positive and I ruin it. Well why do I ruin it? Cause I’m angry. How can I be pleasant. 

I said your days always start out great cause you don’t have ptsd from things I’ve done to you. He said the things I’ve done to you that you led me to. I said no woman ever wants to feel this way so why would they lead anyone to treat treatment and it’s abusive that he thinks I caused the treatment. 

He said because I try and force conversations and he tells me to stop and I don’t and keep pushing and pushing that I make him snap. 

I just can’t believe he actually believes this. 

I told him, him telling me I brought the treatment on myself is abusive. He said me telling him he’s abusive is abusive.

He just yelled so loud and told me to shut the eff up. Then hit his head on the wall. Said this is exactly how he wanted his day to go.

I just want him gone so bad. He won’t leave. Says he paid rent. I said I’ll give the money back. He said me saying that is abusive. 

I feel so stuck. His family doesn’t want him there. Then he has me feeling like I did something wrong. 


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## Anastasia6

This makes you feel like you did something wrong? The only thing wrong here is you still letting him do this to you. Don't take any money for may's rent and tell him to get out. The landlord said he needed notice to change the locks. Great tell him you'd like them changed May 1st. Call the cops and have them watch while he gets his stuff out. I'm sure there are some numbers in your area you can call for free advice try the domestic violence hotline.


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## solost12

Thank you.

He said cause I kept pressuring to talk and stand over him and raise my voice. It never starts with my voice raised it always starts calmly. Then he says something mean and it escalates but I’m never yelling to be mean I’m speaking loudly out of frustration.

That’s the only bad thing I’ve ever done. Beg and sometimes demand to be respected and talked to. Raised my voice while at it. I don’t think that warrants physical tantrums and abuse. 

He just left. His friend is picking him up and he has 4 beers that he’s taking. I said do not come back here drunk. I said you stay there. I asked for my key and he won’t give it to me. He said he doesn’t wanna not have a home to come back to.

I’m chain locking the door so he can’t come in and if he tries I’ll call the cops. 

So he won’t leave the key and he’s not listening to social distancing. I guess I can’t complain about that. I just want him gone. 

Then he hit his head on the wall out of anger and there’s a dent there. What if something bad happens like he has a concussion and doesn’t know it? I mean he did this to himself but we all know that I’m a worry wart about everything. 

I so wish I would have listened to you all in October when you said don’t give him a key don’t let him there. My life would be much different. Probably still hurting and questioning if it’s my fault cause he blames me for being so negative but free of this and healing nonetheless.

So what now? 


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## 3Xnocharm

Who the F cares if he gets a damn concussion?? Maybe you’d luck out and he’d forget where you live! Jesus, girl, get over it.. he is a total waste of skin. 




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## solost12

I know it’s just me worrying like if he gets so drunk and then has that and doesn’t wake up? I wouldn’t know cause he won’t be here.

Irrational, I know. 

I’m trying. I’m feeling more at peace being alone here. Still feel bad as if i caused this.

Being an abused woman has really taken away all of my self confidence and I worry about And question everything.

It’s a horrible feeling. 


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## turnera

Here's something you can do right now. Find Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Bancroft and start reading it. Tonight.


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## solost12

Turnera I have that book. I’ve read it once. Thank you for the reminder. I’m getting it out right now. I think I hate it because I never wanted him to find it. I hope that I can find it now wish me luck


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## solost12

Hi I found the book. 

He got here at 4am and called me to let him in even though I told him to NOT come back here. I said don’t bother cause I had the door double kicked with chain and another door lock I have for extra security. 

I was so upset and felt so disrespected. On top of that though all of his things are here and I didn’t want a scene caused out of my apartment door. Not making excuses just how I feel.

He’s passed out now and I can get the key. I’m thinking a waste of time cause even if he couldn’t get in he’s still going to do what he did last night.

I feel so damn stuck and put in a spot. Like it’s out of my control. I wish he would just go and stay at his families. Like just go! He has so much pride and is a **** and won’t apologize when he should but he doesn’t have pride to get the hell out of my place! 

His family doesn’t want him there cause we’re in the city and have high COVID cases and they live in small town where only very few cases.

So what do I do? Like this is out of control.

Do I take the key? What is that gonna do? He clearly doesn’t listen. But again he “lives” here. But he doesn’t. 


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## Rubix Cubed

He lives there because you keep letting him in. Take the key, put his stuff outside, and be done. same advice as every other time you have asked.


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## solost12

Now? During the quarantine? 


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## Rubix Cubed

solost12 said:


> Now? During the quarantine?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If that question was directed at my post above it, my answer is an emphatic HELL YES!

He isn't your problem and if he had left when asked or if you had given him the boot any one of the many times you should have he would have already been gone. Quit being the KISA and let him deal with being an adult.


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## hubbyintrubby

solost12 said:


> Now? During the quarantine?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes, yes and yes. Yes, and as quickly as humanly possible.


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## Affaircare

solost12 said:


> ...
> He got here at 4am and called me to let him in even though I told him to NOT come back here. I said don’t bother cause I had the door double kicked with chain and another door lock I have for extra security.
> ...
> He’s passed out now and I can get the key. I’m thinking a waste of time cause even if he couldn’t get in he’s still going to do what he did last night.
> 
> I feel so damn stuck and put in a spot. Like it’s out of my control. I wish he would just go and stay at his families. Like just go! He has so much pride and is a **** and won’t apologize when he should but he doesn’t have pride to get the hell out of my place!
> ...
> *So what do I do?* Like this is out of control.
> 
> Do I take the key? What is that gonna do? He clearly doesn’t listen. But again he “lives” here. But he doesn’t..


Take his key.

Rent a storage space for one month, pack his things, place the boxes in the storage unit, and leave the key to the storage unit taped on the door (with the door locked and him outside) and write a note that says, “I told you I wanted you gone. Your things are here (name of storage place) unit # X.”

*The end.*

He is a grown man with means to support himself and he can stay in a motel for a couple days to figure out a place to stay.

You BLOCK his phone number, remove him from all social media, and delete him from email.

*In other words stop “talking” and start acting. You have a busy day—so get going.*


P.S. I'm going to keep typing this until you do it. All the other "reasons" you keep coming up with about why you can not act (like "it's how I feel" or "even during the quarantine" are B.S. He should be OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!

Get his key. Today. Right now.
Pack his things. Today. Right now.
Get him out. Today. Right now.

P.S.S. I think this is the fourth time I typed these exact words to you. How about if you actually DO IT this time? Take action.


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## Prodigal

He can go live with one of his booze-hound buddies. Why would it be hard to do that? He prefers their company to yours anyway.


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## solost12

I’ve tried to tell him that. He says he can’t cause the ones house is under construction and the other said no. 


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## hubbyintrubby

solost12 said:


> I’ve tried to tell him that. He says he can’t cause the ones house is under construction and the other said no.


Tell him, "that's tough...but not my problem."

Do you recognize that it truly is NOT your problem? He is not your problem. His problems are not YOUR problems.

Do you see that?


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## Affaircare

In the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, there is one line that kind of summarizes EXACTLY what a boundary is:

*"I am not willing to pay the price for YOUR choices."*

In other words, if he chooses to be an alcoholic, you are not willing to pay the price of covering up his alcoholism, or dealing with his alcoholism, or hearing his alcoholic ranting and raving, etc. etc. etc. If HE chooses to drink, then HE deals with the price of drinking. 

Does this make sense to you? 

Yes, every choice has a cost and a benefit. He wants all the benefits without having to ever pay the cost. He wants you to pay the cost for HIS choices!

If he wants the benefit of a nice home to live in and a pleasant life partner--the cost would be that he must treat you kindly and with equal respect.

If he wants the benefit of drinking as much as he wants, whenever he wants, with whoever he wants to DO whatever he wants--the cost would be that he can not stay with you or have a nice home or pleasant life partner.


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## Openminded

You’ve allowed his problems to become your problems and you’re paying the price. Maybe someday he’ll choose to be done and move on but not now. Why would he? His life is easier this way and he doesn’t care about your life.

Focus on you and not on him.


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## hubbyintrubby

Sadly, I do not see any end to this anytime soon. And it's already been ongoing for so long. 

It won't end until he chooses, I fear...and how he chooses to end it might be a complete tragedy in the end, God forbid.


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> He says he can’t cause the ones house is under construction and the other said no.


Smart friends.


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## solost12

Hi 

He’s gone. He just left. I’m not good.

No please hear what happened and I have to explain it because of course I feel like I’m in the wrong and I can’t stop crying. It all started cause he went to run a few errands with his friends who had to go to the bank and get weed. 

He was just getting here when I got here and was very lovey-dovey and I and asked if he could give me a massage and run me a bath and it was fine.

I did proceed to ask him what they did if you were in the back of this car if they social distance like they should be because he really shouldn’t be doing anything if it’s not necessary but I understand that he feels like he needs to get out because he’s been stuck here. He said he took all the precautions except sit in the front of the car with him which to me again isn’t social distancing so I said that. He said well don’t forget that you have to go to work every day downtown and who knows what you can bring here. I told him that there’s only three of us in the office and we all take the necessary precautions with social distancing so I’m not intentionally bringing anything here God for bid if I do.

He said he would ask me to take them around next time if need be and I said OK. I said that makes sense because we’ve been around each other the whole time etc. etc.

I want to take a hot bath and relax because today was a crazy day at work and of course I have OCD so my mind was racing about him hanging out with his friend even if it was for a little bit because I feel like why are they the exception to the norm?

So when I got out of the bath I wanted to tell him how I felt and I expressed I don’t want to go to work every day right now it’s not a choice I would rather be working from home like everyone else, but I have to go in, and you doing what you did the last two times is irresponsible behavior and putting yourself at risk putting me at risk when it’s not necessary so when you make decisions like that it adds stress and not feelings of peace when I get home because now I feel like I have to social distance from you. 

He responded with I told you what I said earlier and I said that I would ask you from now on why are you talking about this again why is it necessary? I told him it’s necessary because I didn’t explain it to him the way that I’m explaining it to him now and it’s just on my mind because we’re just going to be hitting the peak and he obviously never takes me seriously so I felt like I needed to reiterate what I thought. He told me I was wasting my time and it was unnecessary. So I said if you can’t handle me having a conversation with you about how I feel even if I’m reiterating why without making me feel like I’m wrong then you need to leave you should just go because this isn’t fair to me.

He told me I was being weird and said he doesn’t want to talk about this for another hour and proceeded to walk into the other room, to where I followed him because I thought it was so rude I was simply, expressing how I felt and was hoping for a better response. Maybe something like I know it’s hard for you to go to work every day, it sucks and I don’t mean to put extra stress on your extra worry and I’m sorry. But now I got the anger and the walking away and I’m being weird.

So I started crying because I didn’t understand what I did to warrant that and of course because of how he has talk to me for so many years I feel weird and I feel wrong And I feel dumb and I feel like I’m in trouble for ever saying anything. And I said I’m amazed at how you can get me to feel this way when I’m so good to you. 

He said you’re the one who just asked me to leave and I said why did I ask you to leave because I can’t even have a conversation with you in my home without you making me feel bad about it and walking away in the middle of it making me feel like nothing that I have to say is valid or has meaning to you. I said regardless if I’m repeating it it’s not like I’m saying it’s like harass you it’s just because I don’t want you to be upset with me for sending these boundaries.

He told me that I’m not a victim it that none of this had to happen today and that all I had to do was not say anything more that he came in and was loving and said he would ask me next time. But again I don’t trust anything that he says because I can’t and he’s showing that he doesn’t take me seriously.

He packed his bags and was looking for his passport because he doesn’t have an ID to get a hotel. I walked out a while later and he was sitting on the couch and I said you’re not leaving? He said he couldn’t catch a ride. With a friend or Uber or anything. Then I said do you feel bad for making me feel bad when all I wanted to do was talk? He said that none of us again had to happen that I started it. He said I know what I did to me like I know what I did in that I asked him to leave and she knows the truth and he said you did good thanks for doing so good today. To where I got angry and I said no you did good I said he did good as usual making me feel completely invalidated and walking away. I said I know what I deserve and it’s not this. I said get your bag and I’ll drop you off myself and he said I’m not telling you where I’m going and I said why do you think I’m gonna follow you there? That’s the last thing I’m gonna do.

Because I’m so stressed and anxious right now I decided to take another bath ha ha crazy right? And when I got out he had his bag at the door and said he was leaving now I did ask him when he was leaving and he said out and to coronavirus world across the street at a hotel and I started crying because you know I just can’t believe this is happening and proceeded to say are you going to leave your key? He said no because he’s going to have to come back and get us things at some point. I said you really have to ruin everything. He said thanks for those your final words to me? I didn’t say anything and proceeded to lock the door.

So here I am feeling bad because I’m questioning was I too harsh? We talked about it once earlier did I need to bring it up again? Now he’s out stating who knows where probably exposing himself more to the virus which is what I told him I didn’t want him doing earlier. Now I’m worried if he does get sick or something bad happens it’s all my fault.

I just am spinning right now. I can’t stop crying I’m crying so hard. I’m sad, I’m angry, lost, and mostly I feel like I did something wrong. Like who does this to somebody during this time in the world? I’ll because I got angry that he walked away in the middle of a conversation that he was just tired of having.

Please talk to me because it’s not good. My mind isn’t right right now. I need for someone to please help me feel better about this like I didn’t do anything wrong and if something happens it’s not my fault. Because I couldn’t take the girls if something bad happened.

This is the most that has happened with regards to him actually taking his pet bag and everything. So it’s a lot to take in I don’t know how to handle it.

Please stay with me here.


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## 3Xnocharm

Good don’t let him come back. And as we tell you all the time, you did nothing wrong and if anything bad happens, it’s his own damn fault not yours. 

Don’t let him come back. Stop questioning yourself all the damn time. 

Edit... I just realized you allowed him to take the key. Never mind. You should have demanded the key. 

You’re going to get nowhere. 


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## Rubix Cubed

You didn't do anything wrong except not force him to give you your key. He's manipulating you and playing you for a sucker guilt-tripping you when NONE of it is on you, zero! He kept his key because he will come back with some weak-ass sob story and you'll swallow it hook, line, and sinker and take him back AGAIN. The trash took itself out. Capitalize on that good fortune and steal your resolve to not let him back in. Change your locks and do NOT give him a key this time. You really need to have more self-respect. You're way better than that and deserve more. He's using you. 

p.s. If you think stoners going to buy weed are social distancing or even giving it a second thought you're very mistaken. I expect they are passing a joint around with all of their slobber on it.


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## Openminded

He’ll be gone a day or so and then he’ll be back. He’s not ready to leave for good.


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## solost12

I just texted him to not come back because I feel unsafe with him here especially after he’s been drinking and that my daughter knows. 

I said I need my key back and I’ll make arrangements for the rest of his things.

He texted and said he wasn’t drinking and said he left for HIS safety. 

Are you kidding me?! What does that even mean?! 


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## turnera

That just means he's not done manipulating you. Stop letting him. He's gone. Keep it that way. You did good, ok? What you really need now is strong therapy to learn to love and value yourself. Find an online counselor; your work might have a program for that. But you did good. Now leave things as they are. No more letting him stay.


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## solost12

I just can’t believe how he turns it all around on me.

Thinking more about yesterday, I think he recorded me on his phone when I was upset again.

Before he left when I went to the room and tried to talk it out he came towards the door and started closing it on me. So I put my hands in the way as to not close it in mid conversation. He kept saying you’re not gonna leave me alone? I can’t close the door? I said no and stood there pushing it on the other side because I couldn’t believe how mean that was and I just wanted to talk. Like just talk and fix it. 

He’s done that to me so many times, has said those are some reasons he’s gotten angry and acted out. Cause I won’t let the talking go. And I’m sure he recorded that while I was crying and trying to get him to open the door
And talk. 

That’s why I believe he said he left for
his safety. Like I was going to do
Or did something wrong.

I have never recorded him in the act but have pictures over the span of many years.

This is why I feel like it’s my fault and I am crazy. Because if I didn’t want to talk we wouldn’t be here? If I would have let it go we wouldn’t be here?

Am I wrong? I woke up this morning feeling so anxious and like
I am. How does he expect me
To not be upset? To
Not raise my voice in hurt? I feel so invalidated and unheard and have never had anyone make me feel wrong for this or get me to a point where I actually am begging for a conversation and resolution. 

So him recording that is just I don’t even know.

He’s using that against me to say all of the past physical and anger was brought on by me.

Am I supposed to be quiet & let it go? Is that what normal people do? 

Am I wrong? 

I’m spinning and it’s gonna be so
Hard to get through work today. Worst headache and can’t stop crying. 

I feel like this is all my fault. Like I’m crazy and he deserves better. 

I just feel horrible. I feel like an unstable needy pathetic person. 

I can’t even look at myself in the mirror this morning. I feel so ugly. 

Like who is ever gonna wanna be with someone like this? 

Am I the narcissist? Prideful? Cause I always demand to talk and resolution? Say that I deserve more? Demand too much? Am too needy?

He said yesterday he’s not prideful but I am cause I get upset if he shakes his head at something I say or walks away when I’m trying to have a conversation with him cause he’s tired of hearing it.

He said it gives him anxiety. He said I kicked him out cause of my pride and my authority and that no one can say or do anything to me.

Is it me? 

Please again stay with me here. I’m having a really difficult time. Worst
Than it’s been. Cause he’s gone and now making me feel unstable and wrong. 

I can’t stop crying. I don’t know how I’m gonna get through the work day. 

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## jlg07

You are second guessing yourself because HE is VERY good at manipulating you. Most of what you described is him trying to manipulate you to back down.
YOU are feeling bad because you care so much -- HE is the one that has caused this. He KNOWS you and knows how to press your buttons. He didn't like the fact that it didn't work this time.
You WILL be ok. The only thing I'm worried about is that he knows you have to leave to work, so he may come back in with the key while you are gone. Maybe change the locks?


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## solost12

I am definitely 2nd guessing myself. I always do. 

I can’t believe that he really didn’t come back last night. Didn’t even try to and only responded with those manitupatlive texts “I didn’t drink” and “I left for my safety”. And he’s nowhere to be found. I didn’t text him but he deactivated his Facebook and he hasn’t been online for 17 hours. Just not like him.

I know I’ll be ok. This is so hard though.

I don’t know why I was compelled to look at old emails last night. I think because I wanted to see the photos that I had that were bad and “proof” of things. I found all of the good stuff of course. The older pictures when we first met. Even old texts and emails that I saved when he was SO loving. There are even emails from when we had the SAME issues back in 2009 where he talked, he acknowledged where he is wrong and what he needs to work on and where he apologized. 

He was very different then. At least in terms of communicating.

That didn’t help me. Just made me even more sad. Because I was so smitten and in love with him. 

All of the photos of everything we did as a family and I how I became an immediate step mom. All of this while he even started to have emotional affairs behind my back.

Just goes to show how long I’ve endured and how long I’ve tried.

Do you mean that he’ll change the locks on me? He can’t do that. He’s not on the lease. Right? Only management can do that. Now I’m even more worried.


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## jlg07

Sorry -- no I mean that YOU should get the locks changed. He left. He needs to arrange with YOU when he can come back and get the rest of his stuff. He should NOT be coming in whenever he wants.
You MAY want to have a third party around when he DOES come -- just to make sure no he said/she said comes up.
You should document what he DOES take, just in case.


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## solost12

I will. I don’t think he’ll take what’s not his. How can he? He doesn’t even have a car. I don’t even know how he stayed at the “hotel” last night without a passport. 

I know I shouldn’t be but I’m having the worst anxiety. He never has disappeared this long. It’s like what is he doing and how? 

And does he have that much pride? We’ve had way worse fights and arguments than this, and he decides to do it now?


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## jlg07

Again, I think it was just trying to manipulate YOU to back down. You didn't, so he COULDN'T back off and save face.

You will need to get used to detaching from him --- have you looked into the "180"? It will help you do that (sorry I don't have the link handy). When you start to detach you will not be worried about what he is doing and how. You should start focusing on what YOU are doing and how! Start exercising, get plenty of sleep and make sure you eat while all of this is going on. 

To get your mind off of him -- where is your favorite place in the world? A beach maybe, hiking in the woods? PICTURE yourself doing that -- just focus on that to get some stress relief and to get your mind off of him. It won't work for long, but practice doing this.


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## Blondilocks

solost12 said:


> I will. I don’t think he’ll take what’s not his. How can he? He doesn’t even have a car. I don’t even know how he stayed at the “hotel” last night without a passport.
> 
> I know I shouldn’t be but I’m having the worst anxiety. He never has disappeared this long. It’s like what is he doing and how?
> 
> And does he have that much pride? We’ve had way worse fights and arguments than this, and he decides to do it now?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You really need to make up your mind as to what you truly want. For God's sake, you're giving that guy whiplash with your back and forthing. Sleeping in the park would be preferable to your constant nattering and picking fights.


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## Openminded

The truth is that he’ll have to be the one to end it. It’s obvious after many months of reading this that you can’t. So if you really do want out, then you need to hope, and hope hard, that he doesn’t come back (although I think he will).


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## solost12

Blondilocks can you clarify? Are you referring to me nattering and picking fights?

If so, just confirms it is me. I’m the problem.

Is that what you’re saying? 


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## Affaircare

@solost12 , 

I want to play a game with you, called "Worst Case Scenario." In this game, you think of the very worst possible thing that could possibly happen, and you think "Could I live through that? Is that really so bad?" 

In this instance, what's the worst thing that could happen? Let's say it IS you. Let's say you ARE the problem and you ARE crazy...and he is a kind, sane man who has been horribly victimized by insane you. 

If that were true, it would be best for him to be away from you so he wouldn't be hurt anymore. If that were true, it would be best for you to be away from him, so your crazy doesn't hurt him. If that were true, it would be best for both of you to be away from each other so that you had some time to work on your insanity and become more mentally healthy. If that were true, there is no scenario where it would be wise for the two of you to be together right now, and being apart would protect him and give you the time you need to deal with your own mental health issues. IF IT WERE TRUE...

And that's the WORST possibility!!!! All other possibilities are better than that. 

What if it's not true? What if it's NOT you... and it's him? What if you ARE NOT the problem and HE is the crazy one? What if you are the kind, sane woman who has been horribly victimized by insane HIM? If that were true, there is no scenario where it would be wise for the two of you to be together right now, and being apart would protect YOU and give him the time he needs to deal with his own mental health issues. IF IT WERE TRUE...

What if it's both of you? What if the two of you are both unhealthy and co-dependent? What if both of you are crazy? What if you both have problems? If that were true, there is no scenario where it would be wise for the two of you to be together right now, and being apart would protect you both FROM EACH OTHER and give both of you the time you both need to deal with your own mental health issues. 

Honestly, @solost12, I won't lie to you. You are part of the problem, because you chase after what you know is going to hurt you and then say, "Why did you hurt me?" That's like poking a bear and then saying "Why did you swipe at me?" when the bear swipes at you. He is also part of the problem, because he is a drunk and verbally abusive. He has no idea how to treat anyone, including himself, in a loving way. 

So my advice to you would be to let go of worrying about him right now, and instead, begin thinking of what you can do to help you. What can you do to take care of yourself today? Can you change the locks so there isn't another fight? Can you buy yourself some lotion Kleenex and soup? Can you just turn off your phone and focus on doing one nice thing for yourself?


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## solost12

Thank you all and Affaircare. Your post made me cry even more.

Because I know. I know my part in this and these these things have been acknowledged and to him as well.

I think though I know the relationship has brought this out in me because I’ve never really has anything like this to this extent. Only in one other relationship many many years ago. 

So I don’t know. 

He doesn’t acknowledge his part much if ever. It’s always me. Everything is me which makes me feel crazy. 

He’s at a hotel. 

I did find some of those old photos and videos that I mentioned of way happier times.

Found super older ones of when his daughters were babies which broke my heart because I took them in and I took them in with so much love. I feel him and them took it all for granted.

Hence the resentment I can’t let go of today and hence why I’m done with the situation with them. I’ve done so much for so long to not get treated that way and to not be able to have a say in my home when it comes to them without being a bad step mom. 

Sooooo I did send him the pics or happier times of just him and I. When he made me feel so special. All he replied with is was “good looking”

Then I said this is the girl I want you to remember me as.

Then I said and this, remember this. I took them in as babies. And sent pics of his kids and us from earlier days.

All he said was thank you. 

And the reason I sent the pics was cause they were from many years ago that I were saved that we both forgot about. 

So I’m sad. So sad. Then also angry for how he’s treated me because they reminded me that I have been so good. Amazing. Even when he started showing his true colors. He’s done many bad things to me and I still stood by him and them and continued on.

For him to disappear, not say I’m wrong I want to fix this. He’s acting like I did something wrong. 

It’s just all wrong. 

It’s definitely both of us but it’s more him. And I’m angry that he never opened his eyes and never realized how good he had it. I’m angry that he hasn’t begged to come home. That he hasn’t apologized. 

It’s just how I feel. 


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## Marduk

solost12 said:


> I will. I don’t think he’ll take what’s not his. How can he? He doesn’t even have a car. I don’t even know how he stayed at the “hotel” last night without a passport.
> 
> I know I shouldn’t be but I’m having the worst anxiety. He never has disappeared this long. It’s like what is he doing and how?
> 
> And does he have that much pride? We’ve had way worse fights and arguments than this, and he decides to do it now?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I doubt he stayed at a hotel, and I think you know that.


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## pastasauce79

You need some help getting that OCD under control. Your obsessive thoughts are controlling your mind and clouding your judgement. 

It's like you have a love/hate relationship that doesn't make sense at all.

It's exhausting to read your posts because you keep repeating yourself over and over.

Please get some help.


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## Marduk

pastasauce79 said:


> You need some help getting that OCD under control. Your obsessive thoughts are controlling your mind and clouding your judgement.
> 
> It's like you have a love/hate relationship that doesn't make sense at all.
> 
> It's exhausting to read your posts because you keep repeating yourself over and over.
> 
> Please get some help.


I'm not making excuses for the guy, but man being in that relationship has to be exhausting.


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## pastasauce79

Marduk said:


> I'm not making excuses for the guy, but man being in that relationship has to be exhausting.


I didn't want to say it, but by now, I feel sorry for the guy. Lol!


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## solost12

Hi I’m back and you know what? I’m even more upset now. Because, well see below. This will give you an example of what I go through. He NEVER takes accountability. He never takes accountability for his reactions, his responses, how he talks to me. I own up to my stuff. I say it clearly. The conversation below is WHY he makes ME feel like this is all ME. Like he has no job, no car, isn’t happy where is but won’t acknowledge his part in all of this and how he has treated me, talked to me and why I asked him to leave. So do you all see why I think I’m wrong? Like it’s all me? I feel like he flips it all on me. Being made to feel hard to love is killing me and it hurts. I acknowledge where I'm wrong and why I reacted how I did. All of it. 

Me: Are you enjoying your time there?

Him: No

Me: So you would rather be there than apologize? Like I don’t understand your thinking. It makes me upset knowing that. Your pride overrides a lot. I mean, I didn’t do anything wrong that day at all. Not to warrant all this. Right?

Him: I don't understand what you're talkin about all I did was say yes I will ask you from here on out. I had to listen to God knows what and evidently not all of it for over an hour after an obsessive rant and abided by your wishes when you said I want you out of here so I don't know what you're talkin about

Me: That’s not all that happened. I think you know I have OCD I just needed to talk more. Cause I felt bad telling you not to hang with Steven. I felt I needed to explain why more. And you got so upset.

Him: But why did anything happen you see I just went to a bank and a gas station

Me: You can take a different approach than get so angry with me. Like “Jess you’re stuck. We talked about this. Let’s do something to make you feel better”

Him: Why did any conversation have to be that lengthy regarding such and why would abiding by your wishes and leaving be an issue and cause me to be a piece of **** and ruin everything

Me: But you walk away so mad and angry and that hurts me

Him: All I do all day everyday is ask what you need and how you want whatever to go and what you want to eat and how you'd like to feel better and what would you like in your bath and whether you wanted to work out or go for a walk all I do all day everyday and it doesn't matter

Him: So you be you and I'll be me

Me: That’s all very surface level although I appreciate it I need for you to support me on the deeper level and be more patient and not blame me for everything wrong here
The conversation had to happen for all of the reasons I told you. You still don’t see why it had to happen?

Him: Nope wrong. You live in your world I live in mine it's been nice talking to you

Me: Ok. Wow. This is why we’ll never come to resolution. You were mean. So mean. You’re approach and reaction were wrong. Can’t you see your part here?

Me: I don’t mean to nag. Never do but you don’t even see the issue hanging with Steven? Like you don’t see why I’m concerned? You really don’t?

Him: I wasn't mean til an hour later can't u see that can't you see it still is amazing that I can last that long and endure something like that for that long before I get angry it's amazing that I have that willpower to not get angry immediately that something that ridiculous I let you ran and ran and ran and ran over and over and over about me leaving after 3 weeks and going to a gas station
You don't stop you'll never stop you know I can't stand that and you do it anyways so I will remove myself from that situation
Every issue we've ever had is because you can't stop you can't handle the authority you can't handle somebody not listening to you you can't handle somebody telling you no you can't handle somebody having a simple answer you can't handle somebody not giving you the answer that you want

Me: You walked away immediately when I was talking calmly to you. You forget?

Him: You can't remember proper details or what the word immediately means. Your details after the fact then only serve your purpose I'm tired of it all

Me: You didn’t endure anything until after that. You could have approached it differently like I said. Jess your stuck let’s help you. In a nice way.

Him: I am an eternal optimist with it built in me I start everyday like that if it ends differently is because someone has altered its course. No thank you

Me: Yup I’m the problem here to it all and no one can say anything to you at all without altering your day. God forbid.

Him: Going back to peace of mind I enjoy having peace of mind bye have a good day

Me: Yah no thank you. I can say the same thing to all that you have done and your approach. God forbid I want to talk. Yah you too enjoy your stay there. Again you could have approached this way different. I don’t feel bad anymore. Again, I tried.

Me: I was for sure that me reaching out and trying to talk again you would respond different. I was sure. lol I told you where I was wrong. Said I didn't mean to nag. I know I need to work on that. Not once in this conversation have you said. You're right. I was annoyed that you nagged and I should have been more patient. I shouldn't have talked to you so coldly. Not ONCE. It's ALWAYS ME. You have done no wrong. There is no 50/50 in our issues at all. I can't believe I even reached out. I'm tired of being the center of blame for all of our problems. Because I'm not. You are so good at flipping EVERYTHING on me and taking no accountability for your wrong doing. My gosh. I don't know why I get surprised that I'm yet again crushed. Because I can't take another minute of you making me feel like I'm so hard to deal with and that I'm so wrong here. It's really unfair to me. You're reaction to me is making me believe the narrative to be false.... and that’s only hurting me more.... I am actually starting to believe I'm the only one in the wrong and I'm NOT. You're still turning all of this around on me. This is just more of a sign that yes, you shouldn't be there with me. I let you beat me down and I'm STILL writing you. It's not fair and it n needs to stop. Yes, I'm hurt. Yes, I know where I'm wrong here but no, I'm not going to allow you to blame only me anymore. I'm not a bad person. I don't deserve to be made to feel that way. This sucks but I'll get over it everyday little by little because I know in my heart I'm a good person. I'm human and have needs just like everyone else does and I'm never mean to you about them. I'm sorry that it had to come to this. I'm sorry that I'm the problem of all problems. I'll take the blame but I know that we're not here today because of just me. I'm going silent. You're not going to hear from me anymore. My gloves are off. I'm going to take this time for me to love myself back into knowing all of this. I've taken accountability. I have begged you to do the same. My heart is broken because you have made me feel so hard to love but I'm not asking anymore. I know I'm not hard to love. Enjoy your peace and stay well.

Him: You reached out alright and said aren't you going to apologize
Him: That's not easy to love. I have to apologize because I went somewhere and it upset you deeply and you ran it about it for an extensive amount of time until I was extremely irritated and spoke in a certain way and I need to apologize for it sorry but that logic doesn't work for me


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## solost12

Pasta sauce and Marduk that’s not helping me. I feel worse now.

Marduk where did he stay exactly? He has no family here. How can you assume that and where do you think he stayed? 

I should just say hey it’s all me come back home right?! 

I’m so upset. I didn’t think I would come back here and read that at all.

Now I really feel wrong and I feel weak. 


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## Marduk

Yes, he's a crappy partner and deserves to get dumped.

But over and over again he's saying you're exhausting and conversations go on forever. Which is also what a couple of us are saying here.

Stop it. Just stop it. Dump the guy, move on, and stop the round and round verbally and in your head. Yes, you are right that he's a bad partner. OK? You're right. Take the win. Spike the ball and go home. 

But in the post-game analysis you need to realize that you have a lot of improvements to make as well - including winding this hamster wheel down. Get your OCD under control or it will drive everyone in your life away, and drive you around the bend in the process.

Start therapy. Start a mindfulness practice. Take a hundred baths a day if it stops that wheel from spinning. But it must stop. He needs a break, and you yourself must need a break as well.


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## solost12

Marduk I know what you’re saying but again I’ve never really had this issue with anyone else. 

So he definitely hasn’t helped. If anything it’s increased. You know what I mean?

And he is at a hotel. I just confirmed it. He’s across the street. 

But I’ve been trying. When things like this happens he knows. He can approach it differently. I can guarantee that if he would have talked calmly and lovingly and said how I said these things would stop. 

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## Marduk

solost12 said:


> Marduk I know what you’re saying but again I’ve never really had this issue with anyone else.
> 
> So he definitely hasn’t helped. If anything it’s increased. You know what I mean?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Totally, absolutely, 100% agree that he's not helping. It's why you need to show him the door, and then keep the door closed.

And then, once he's gone and unable to wind you up further, you need to be able to settle your mind, find some peace, and then be able to engage in other relationships with a more rational mindset. The wrong people will see that you are very easily wound up, and they can - and will - use this against you. The right people will see that you're easily wound up and avoid you, because it's exhausting.

I've lived with someone with anxiety and PTSD. It's soul-crushing and exhausting on a fundamental level. It got to the point where if she didn't get it under control, I would have to leave her and seek to take our kids with me as much as possible. Her choice was to get it under control, and I'm incredibly proud of her.

So get him out the door and then get it under control.


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## solost12

My PTSD is because of what he’s done to me. OCD has increased cause of it.

He knows this and he knows I’m trying. It’s not like this everyday either. Only once in a while. 

But I’m trying to get over what he’s done to me and how he’s caused it yet I don’t get the support or patience from him which I feel after everything, I deserve you know? Like you would think he would be more patient and understanding considering he caused most of it and he exacerbated it. 

Then being called weird and a whack job cause of it has crushed my spirit and soul and makes me feel worse.

This was my last final message to him. I mean it.

“And I'm working on my OCD and PTSD. I know it can be exhausting for both of us. I'll get better. I know it. Again, I wasn't always like this. I have had it under control. I've been there. Situations in our relationship have definitely exacerbated them. Some patience and love and love and not being called weird or a whack job would have helped instead of crushing my soul and spirit and making me feel worse about them. Having that and having someone that says they love you make you feel worse for them is the hardest thing but this has made me want to work on them even more and I'm working on all of this on my end. I hope you work on what you need to work on as well. I'm done now. Really. You won't hear from me again.”


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## Marduk

solost12 said:


> My PTSD is because of what he’s done to me.


My wife's PTSD is because of what the guy that sexually assaulted her did, and because of all of her friends turned their back on her after it.

None of that stopped it being _her_ PTSD, and when the guy and those friends were gone, her only real triggers were herself. And she drove herself (and us) halfway around the bend while she continually sought to have other people manage _her_ PTSD for her.

Which can never work, because it's not everyone else's PTSD. It's *your PTSD.*

And that sucks but that's the way it is. That's coming straight from one of the most prominent, most experienced, and most accredited PTSD specialist in the country that we worked with.

She needed to face it and get it under control, and needed to stop trying to get everyone around her to get it under control for her.



> OCD has increased cause of it.


Sure. You're a victim here. Does that make it more palatable for you? You were victimized.

But that still means you need to deal with it, if only for your own sake. Again, that sucks - but that's the way it is. When he's gone, the only person you're really hurting is yourself, and hurting yourself isn't benefiting you at all. So stop hurting yourself.



> He knows this and he knows I’m trying. It’s not like this everyday either. Only once in a while.
> 
> But I’m trying to get over what he’s done to me and how he’s caused it yet I don’t get the support or patience from him which I feel after everything, I deserve you know? Like you would think he would be more patient and understanding considering he caused most of it and he exacerbated it.
> 
> Then being called weird and a whack job cause of it has crushed my spirit and soul and makes me feel worse.


Sure. He's being a terrible partner. So dump him and keep him dumped.

But to be fair, it's almost impossible to be continually patient. Continually listening to the same conversation over and over again for hours day after day is an impossible expectation of anyone.


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## solost12

Marduk it’s not everyday though. It’s not constant.

I think you loaded after my last message. Did you see above? 


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## hubbyintrubby

He did most of the work for you by leaving. Put his stuff out, he's ALREADY out. You're done. 

It really is that simply, but you continue to make it so much harder on yourself. That's something that you're doing, not him.

You cannot seem to help yourself.


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## Marduk

solost12 said:


> Marduk it’s not everyday though. It’s not constant.
> 
> I think you loaded after my last message. Did you see above?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That changes nothing.

Stop trying to talk yourself out of this. It's part of your circular thinking pattern.


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## 3Xnocharm

He is actually gone, so just let it go. The logistics no longer matter. Get your damn locks changed and be done. 


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## solost12

Omg! He just tested that he’s there. I emailed the leasing office this morning to get the locks changed. 

I’m nauseous. What do I do now?

I really was starting to accept this. Had plans of really taking care of me and letting it go. This weekend. It was my start.

I can’t believe this. 


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## hubbyintrubby

solost12 said:


> Omg! He just tested that he’s there. I emailed the leasing office this morning to get the locks changed.
> 
> I’m nauseous. What do I do now?
> 
> I really was starting to accept this. Had plans of really taking care of me and letting it go. This weekend. It was my start.
> 
> I can’t believe this.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Reply with "GET OUT"


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## solost12

I just did  

What if he doesn’t leave? 


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## hubbyintrubby

solost12 said:


> I just did
> 
> What if he doesn’t leave?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk





solost12 said:


> I just did
> 
> What if he doesn’t leave?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Call the police.


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## Openminded

You’ve been trying to reel him back in. Why are you doing that when all you’ve talked about for months is being free of him? I’m going to be blunt about this. You need more help than a message board of strangers can give you. Please get it.


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## Marduk

solost12 said:


> I just did
> 
> What if he doesn’t leave?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


text him: "You have sixty seconds to leave. Leave the keys on the table and lock the door behind you. Send me a picture of the keys left on the table, and then I will be blocking you. If I don't receive that in the next sixty seconds, I will be calling the police. When I return, I will not be alone. You may not take anything from the home on your way out."


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## Openminded

Didn’t he say when he left that he was coming back to pick his stuff up? Maybe he isn’t planning on staying. Maybe he is. If he isn’t great. If he is, you need to have him removed. Can you do that?


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## Marduk

Openminded said:


> Didn’t he say when he left that he was coming back to pick his stuff up?


Oh, that's right, good catch. This may be a good thing - he may be grabbing his stuff to leave.


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## solost12

How did I reel him back in? I didn’t mean to do that. How?

Yes I can make him leave. 

I don’t know what he’s doing. 


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## pastasauce79

How can you remember every single word you had in a conversation with him? Holy cow!!!!!! That's an unbelievable skill!

He's probably at a hotel, or at a gas station, or at Steve's? Or Stevens? Or whatever his name is.

Wherever he is at, that's his choice and that's ok.

What is not ok is you trying so hard to make him see your point of view.

You and him were together. Maybe you two were good together at one point, but not anymore. You both have changed and that's normal and it happens. Let it go!!!

Stop worrying about him. Start worrying about yourself, and yourself only. Let him go!!!

I can picture him not listening to you because you talk too much. It's like an episode of Peanuts when the teacher is talking to one of them, after a few sentences, everything else sounds like waa, waa, waa, waa, waa... It's too much!!! Stop ranting about the same thing because it's not helping.

Make plans for yourself. Even if you have to live with him. Learn how to grey rock someone and start doing it. 
Stop writing so much and start doing something. Go for walks, watch movies, read books. Occupy your mind with something productive instead of thinking about him.

"You and him" is not working anymore. Let it go!!! And please look for a therapist or someone who can help you overcome your obsessive behaviors.


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## Prodigal

When I read about people like @solost12 who are in almost constant emotional turmoil, I wonder if there's a mental illness at play. From some of her posts, she sounds absolutely manic. Just spit-balling here, but it sounds like bipolar disorder.

A proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist would be helpful. Perhaps medication is needed. Frankly, I cannot understand why anyone would remain in emotional hell like this. JMO.


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## Blondilocks

This thread is rather like dragging a dead whale across the beach.


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## solost12

Pasta sauce the conversation was via social media so I copied and pasted. 

Why bipolar? Isn’t that manic highs and lows? I have thought at times I maybe had that. 

I do have a mental illness. I have said that. Anxiety, depression, ocd and ptsd which is from what he’s done. The ptsd part.

I have tried meds and have gotten off cause side effects.

I prefer natural remedies.

Again this isn’t always with him. 

Has anyone else here been emotionally and physically abused and gaslighted to the point that I’m at?

Anyone here? 

He is drunk. Passed out in the spare bedroom.

I’m tempted to tell his sister what is going on so maybe she can intervene? See that it’s bad right now and he should go there? Bad idea? 

I’m trying. My mind was set today. I was letting it go. Had the intent to come home and just turn it all off and take care of me. 

So here we are. 

Do I ask via family to come? 


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## pastasauce79

Start grey rocking him. 

Imagine no one is at your place but you. 

Ignore him completely.

Change the locks.

Call the police. 

You are the only one who can control your actions.

He can do and say whatever he wants to do or say. You can't control him or making him change.


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## solost12

What’s grey rocking? 


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## 3Xnocharm

Call the police and have him removed. 


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## Prodigal

solost12 said:


> Why bipolar? Isn’t that manic highs and lows? I have thought at times I maybe had that.
> 
> I do have a mental illness. I have said that. Anxiety, depression, ocd and ptsd which is from what he’s done. The ptsd part.
> 
> I have tried meds and have gotten off cause side effects.
> 
> I prefer natural remedies


Apparently your "natural remedies" are not working. Yes, medication can have side effects; however, not all side effects are that unpleasant. Which is why you need to seek medical attention to find a solution, or solutions, to your illness.

You are ill. I doubt you'd go the natural route if you were diagnosed with cancer. It's clear you need far more help than what you can get on an internet forum.


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## solost12

Hello:

He is gone. At his families. I worked it out so that he could go there. 

I am going to step off of here for a while. I know what I have and what I need to work on and have all of your messages saved.

I'd like to ask that this thread be deleted. I have all of the advice that I need. At the same token, I feel that I have put too much personal and sensitive information here as well as being concerned that he may find it.

How do I got about getting this deleted? 

Thanks!


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## solost12

Hi everyone:

It’s been almost 3 weeks and he’s still not back. He’s still at his families. I finally had the locks changed yesterday. 

We haven’t really been talking at all the last large argument of got into it was last Tuesday because I asked him what his plan was and when he was going to do and it was a total conversation of putting all of the blame on me for the failure of the relationship him blaming me for getting him to his most angry is playing tonight he feels ashamed of those. He did say that his daughter‘s behavior isn’t always right but that if I just overlook it we can laugh at it a few years later. Which to me is still not a solution. To me it’s still him just saying deal with it and that’s all to it. That’s not a fix and if he doesn’t see where he needs to fix things it’s not fixable. But without getting into detail the whole conversation was really him pointing the finger at me and I’m the only one who has to work on things. I was so exhausted at the end of the day Tuesday I said I have reached my emotional limit I need to not hear from you or talk to you until I’m ready to I said please respect my space and I respect yours because I understand that you probably don’t need to hear for me for a while and I said it’s very difficult to be the only one at fault here that’s a lot of burden to carry and it sucks feeling so hard to be loved.

Since then We haven’t really talked in over one week which is really unusual for us. He did text yesterday and said he was ready to come home to his wife and he’s willing to do whatever it takes. I said what does whatever it takes mean to you? And he said creating a future together and setting boundaries for his daughters. I said those are not the only issues, what about your drinking and what about anger management? He came back with “My anger therapy is enjoying the present and looking forward to the future. Never talking incessantly about things in the past. Works wonders”. 

I said and what do you plan on doing about your drinking and where your daughters going to stay for the summer? And he said nice chat never mind. So I guess because I didn’t automatically jump on him saying he would work on boundaries that wasn’t good enough so he gave me the normal response of shutting the conversation down so that there’s no resolution. After thinking about his response more, it just made me realize that his response is completely controlling, pretty much saying that as long as you don’t bring up the past then And if you do if I react a certain way it’s your fault because I told you not to do it. So to me that really is no fix to me those are just words to get back here home and back into the same cycle that we’ve been in.

For some reason on Sunday I decided to call the domestic abuse hotline because of course with him gone I’m thinking more about things and because he hasn’t really been presently texting or actively calling much it’s making me feel like I’ve done enough for him to not wanna be around me. So I never really called them before but I felt that I should because there’s been many years of things that of happened and I just wanted to know what their thoughts were on it. They told me that none of it is my fault. That regardless if I push for conversations and things like that that he could’ve approached it differently and more calmly and that he is in control of his actions. That all of the blame shift and all of that is wrong. They told me that alcohol has nothing to do with it there’s really no link between alcohol and domestic violence. So the conversation that I had with them without me telling you guys all the details about the physical that is happened in the past really had me worried and made me realize wow I’ve been through a lot that I should’ve walked away from a long time ago. So I got nervous because I read that the scariest time for a woman leaving an abusive relationship is when she actually leaves. With him not having anything established for himself I just I’m scared that he would try and do something stupid. Although when I left him in 2013 and I made him leave he didn’t. But we are in a different time right now so I got scared and I had the locks changed yesterday.

Because I know if my part in the fall of the relationship I did tell him lovingly that we can’t live together anymore that he needs to find a place for him and his children even if they stay just for the summer and that this isn’t only about them it’s about everything the all of her issues that have been going on for years since 2009. I found emails back then that are the same situation me telling him to please hear me out and him telling me that he wouldn’t of gotten so angry if I would just shut the F up. Things like that since 2009 you guys! I said I’m going to therapy I have been listening to podcasts I have been reading and I’m taking the steps that I need to take in order to better myself. Along with apologizing to him for the wrong on my end. I did say that I’m not the only one who has to work towards change. I said if there’s any hope for us in the future you need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous and you also need to get anger management and therapy. I said that is my ultimatum and we can do that while we’re living apart and we can see what happens from there but I’m not just jumping into allowing him to move back here or allowing his daughters to stay here for the summer just because he spoke those words to me. I need to see proof and I need to see proof for a substantial amount of time before I would consider that again. 

Him being gone has been a roller coaster for me. On one hand I have slept better than I have in years and wake up feeling sad of course but also not as worried or stressed out. But I do have mornings where I wake up in total tears and days where I get home and I just cry For what seems like forever. All at the same token of feeling relief but then missing him and then feeling afraid if something happens because he’s upset that I’m actually leaving or actually sticking to my word for once but she’s not expecting at all given the history. So emotional roller coaster.

I do have a friend who is a cop and he did say that because he has lived here with me for a few months and because he does get mail here that I legally can change the locks but if he wants to he can bring the police here and there might be something that happens where he’s allowed to stay here and I’m praying to God that’s not the case. Part of me thinks that he wouldn’t do that with his pending DUI Court date. I don’t think he wants anything to do with the cops right now. So that is my hope. That he doesn’t give me a hard time about this.

We haven’t really talked and he’s been acting strange today because I did tell him that we can work on things if he does those things that I asked and he’s giving me very short answers like yes I read what you sent me because I did send him an article on abuse and how it affects the other person and what he can do to get help. When I gave him the option of temporarily separating and seeing where things go he didn’t really respond so I asked what he thought about it and all he said was we shall see. Then I said why I said a lot and really seem very short responses to something that is so drastically different in the relationship now. He said short responses are all I’m comfortable with right now. So I don’t know.

We haven’t really talked anything through and I don’t know if he thinks that he’s coming back here even though I told him I changed the locks I did tell him he needs to be actively looking for a place but I don’t know if he’s taking me seriously. 

I also started medication again on Saturday. I need it because of everything that is happening. For my OCD and ruminating and my sadness and anxiety and everything else so I did take that stuff as well even if it’s a temporary solution I need to do that for myself right now along with everything else that I’ve been doing. The podcast that I’m listening to our very eye-opening so those are helping a lot.

I have fears of the future lots of them fears of being alone at my age of mid 40s and all the what if‘s?

This is very hard on me and I’m really going through it. So I was just hoping for some words of encouragement that what I’m doing is still the right thing and that I don’t even know just hoping to hear some words of encouragement right now I guess.

Thanks in advance for all of your input.

P..S I opened up to my therapist yesterday about all of the physical that has happened over the years not constantly but the instances that did happen and she was flabbergasted and really sad there’s no way to fix this it’s never going to change you need to MoveOn which was very hard to hear because it’s all very hard to except the reality of it. Because of the things that I do love about him I always feel like there’s hope and of course blaming myself for the things that he’s done has kept me here also.


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## Anastasia6

Welcome back. 
Good you had the locks changed.
Bad you are STILL talking to him.
You are looking for closure, you are looking for him to own up to his behavior, you want a pat on the back for taking care of him and his kids. STOP. You aren't going to get it.
Don't let him comeback. Don't let him visit. Stop texting with him. Your last text exchange you started. Just stop.

How has the 3 weeks been without him? Of course you really aren't without him cause you keep talking and texting. But how about the time when he is gone and you aren't texting him. 

Have you learned how to just sit and enjoy the peace? Read a good book. Go to a forum about something else like plants or TV shows or what have you?


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## Anastasia6

Sorry I skip read the first time through because I wanted to get the part where you don't let him back in before you let him back in. 

I'm so glad you are working on therapy and have restarted your medicine. I know your 40's can be scary but don't worry about being alone. You eventually will find someone. But first work on you. Give yourself time to sleep, get over the trauma this relationship has been. Don't give him any more chances. He wants to sweet talk you so he can come stay there. Once he is there he'll pull the same crap and his daughter will be there all summer driving you crazy.

Be kind to yourself. You have been traumatized. Yes you do tend to go on but guess what that doesn't give him any rights to treat you like crap.

You haven't even gotten him out of your life. So don't focus so much on who will make sure you aren't lonely after he's gone. Get him gone. Focus on you. I forget do you have a pet? They can make great company if you are careful to select the right kind for you. They are also mind calming and have shown to have great health benefits. The best part. Most pets will love you unconditionally and always be happy to see you. They are great listeners too.


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## solost12

Thank you! I’m not looking for closure. I don’t think I am. Was just giving one more chance cause of what I said.

The times that we didn’t talk i felt at peace, relaxed yet sad at the same time. This was in bouts. But I have slept better. Except for last night and the night before. I’ve been a little anxious.

I don’t have a pet but I’ve been looking for a Yorkie. I grew up with cats but I’ve never really had my own dogs except for like a week and I know how much joy the dogs at my office bring me and how much calm and peace they bring to me so I’m looking for a small dog because I live in an apartment. Or maybe a cat again because maybe I don’t want all of the responsibility right now? But yes I would like to get a for baby for sure.

Other things that I’ve been doing for myself as I just recently purchased a bike so I went biking this weekend just for a little and spent some time with my daughter outdoors which was really nice because the weather was beautiful. But really just focusing a lot on work because I have been so unfocused because I’ve been obsessed with the whole situation and arguing with him and I just need to refocus so that’s what I’ve been doing. 

I don’t know what to tell him because I think he might think that he’s coming back here and me saying that we need to live apart was just once he moves out and I don’t know if he thinks that I’m giving him time to move out and that kind of thing. I was hoping that me telling him that he change the locks today because I was worried about some things with sit with him but he hasn’t responded so I don’t know what he’s thinking about any of it. Any advice on what to tell him to not come back? 

I was going to feel like you are suggested pack the little of his belongings here and put them in a small storage unit.

So now I need to figure out what to tell him because I don’t want him to be shocked at the end of the week thinking that he’s coming back here when I don’t want him to come back here and I don’t think it’s a good idea.

Any advice on how to get over the fear that he’s going to snap and do something really bad to me? I may have watched to many crime shows but I don’t know I would just hate for him to snap and something bad happened to me.

So I’m doing more than I ever have and yes we have talked a little but really not a lot at all like I can tell you that we have never gone for one week without talking on the phone we’ve never gone for a few hours without talking on the phone. It’s just been a random very short text except for that last email letter that I sent to him and all of his short responses to that.


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## Anastasia6

You do sound calmer. You sound like you are doing some better. Keep it up. Have you ever been around a yorkie? Each dog breed has it's own personality traits its important to pick one that is good for your personality. Also I wouldn't worry about a pure bred, I get mutts from the pound that are at least 1/2 of what I'm looking for. I am not familiar with small dogs. I know some tend to be more barky and others tend to be more active. Read up on each breed.

NOW.....

Last you two texted he shut up and stopped communicating because you set a firm boundary and asked him where is daughter would stay. That is a fine ending. He ended it.

Don't tell him anything. Pack up his stuff in a box set it in a closet. If at anytime he contacts you asking about his stuff say I'll set it outside and you can get it. Don't be outside. Don't talk with him.
If he texts you. I know you can't ignore it which is what you should do. BUT don't respond to any of his 'questions' or statements. Simply type. "I am no longer willing to be in any kind of relationship with you. We no longer need to talk about anything. I will be filing for divorce. " (DON"T say or text anything else) If he texts you again don't respond. If you must respond simpy type "I am no longer willing to be in any kind of relationship with you. We no longer need to talk about anything." Write that down or copy and paste it to you notebook and keep your response to him to that. You don't need to eleborate, you don't need to explain.. He knows. You know. Don't hash it back up. Just let go.

BTW don't drag your feet take some of this free time and file for divorce. Don't wait to talk with him, just file. You two don't have any real possessions or children, so it should be a quick and easy file.


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## solost12

Yes. I am a bit calmer. Not a lot but some. Maybe cause it’s really not final?

If I say that he’s not gonna understand because earlier today I said we can get therapy separately and he can move with his daughters separately and we can take it from there and see what happens. To where he said we shall see. I left it there. So I think that’s going to throw him off?

Either way I know that I don’t feel comfortable with him staying here until he finds another place because things will go back to normal will be in the same cycle again and it’s almost like I think he only has a week or so ago before he has to go back to work so he’ll be heading back this way you’re asking me to come and pick him up I don’t know.

Yes I was thinking about the whole divorce and we truly don’t have any assets together no house no car we have separate bank accounts no children I’m not asking for alimony. I’m not sure if he would or try to go after my 401(k)? But that’s the only thing that made me not file myself without an attorney.

What about the whole safety thing do you guys think I need to be worried?


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## Openminded

Weren’t you concerned before about the possibility of him harming any pet you might have? As long as there’s the slightest chance of him coming back, a pet isn’t really a good idea.


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## solost12

Hi! He texted today how are you and I did respond I’m fine and how are you just open the door and to let him know that if you had any expectation of coming back here to my apartment that he needs to make alternate arrangements because I’m not sure if he was under the impression that he was staying here until he found a place or what not. Because he never really responded to my other text about that.

He did say that he was looking but hasn’t been approved and that he can’t say for sure about anything because he hasn’t been approved. He said he guesses limbo is limbo. And he close with my wife put me here. Then said or my ex whatever she prefers to be called.

That really hurt me because as you all know I feel like a lot of this is my fault. And for him to say that to be what does that make me feel like it’s all my fault at all my doing. No acknowledgment of his part and no nothing else.

I’m crying because today has been a rough day and again this is very hard for me and again for him to say that to me just makes me feel horrible.

I said oh did I put you there or did you pit yourself there and are you gonna go to AA and Anger Therapy and he responded with “I have been”.

I said oh yah? And he came back that he’s been praying and listening to Ted talks and YouTube videos and his sisters have been working him and praying over him and all of this adds up to being better than talking to someone with no IQ.

Wow! I’m at a loss. 

I mean I’m glad that he’s watching videos and things like that if that’s true because I watch videos and they help me but I don’t think that those videos are the only solution for him.

Why would he approach it that way?

But again for him to say that my wife put me here really jabbed at my heart.

Ouch 

Yes he has me feeling guilty 

Please help me feel not guilty 


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## 3Xnocharm

I can’t believe your still fall for this bullcrap


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## hubbyintrubby

You've come a long way since you were last here, and I am proud of you for the steps you HAVE taken.

I'd like to make one suggestion. If these fears you have of his doing something bad to you, or a pet, are able to be articulated, please take the step in at least investigating getting an order for protection against him. These are civil orders that state if he has any contact with you, visiting, calling, texting, etc, he is committing a crime.


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## solost12

He just told me that 

I know that i can hold my tongue right?? I know i have the right to remain silent. I know that even if me and my mouth think i have the right to say all the things i believe i need to say, that there IS a time when maybe i’m wrong. That his world is completely different without my provocation. His mind is completely different without my provocation, his spirit and demeanor is completely different without. I don't get it. I forget my tongue and the hours of berrating all of the crazy hurtful things i say 20 30 40 50 times over. I remember his provoked response 2 hrs later 20 comments later and then play the victim. He doesn’t need therapy to understand that. I don’t get what i do, how i push his buttons, how I dig in like a ****ing pitbull, how I can't handle any authority, how I poke a bear with a stick. He knows how he reacted, He said it's shameful and Hes ashamed and hate it a sorry and horribly remorseful. He also knows I could have and should have stopped. He remembers completely how he got to his point of anger. And he looks forward to removing that catalyst. Ive never gotten anywhere with my spewing of , you don't this you don't that you don't love me you don't care you don't resolve you don't blah blah blah. Believe what you want. He knows it to be true. He experiences it daily whenever im not around or my mouth is shut.

He said It is all so overdone, so over said, so unnecessary, so confusing, so long and drawn out that there is know answer for the madness other than dismissing it as confusion speculation and madness. That I obviously have never learned how He operates and that he’s grown tired of the way i do.

You guys, I’m shocked and devastated by this. Do you see how I feel like I’m the problem? My heart is shattered. 

He said to not touch his things at all. 
And that he would NEVER kick me out homeless. NEVER
Never. That he wouldn't even let my daughter in law be homeless let alone me and my daughter. 
That he’ll get a place but he doesn’t have a magic wand. He will need a couple weeks and my bull crap timing couldn't be worse even with him being gone for 4 weeks. 

He is saying he needs to stay here 

I don’t even know what to say. But I’m feeling horrible. 

Please talk to me. 


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## pastasauce79

People, including your husband, can say whatever they want to say. He can blame you for everything bad that has happened in his life. That's his side of the story. That's his choice. You cannot control him.

The only thing you can control is yourself and your reaction to someone's words or actions. 

He's a grown-up man. He can make decisions in his life without you. And you can do the same.

You texting or texting him back is your choice. If you keep doing the same things you are not going to change anything. 

Make up your mind, decide something and stick to your plan. 

Stop the obsessive behavior!!! This forum cannot save your life.


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## solost12

Thanks I know I’m not trying to be. 

He’s saying he needs to stay here until he finds a place but I’m concerned about my safety or that once he gets back in it’ll be hell to get him out.

He’s making me feel guilty. 


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## pastasauce79

"he's saying he needs to stay here" 

That's what he's saying. Is this going to happen? That's up to you. 

He's not making you feel guilty. You are feeling guilty.


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## 3Xnocharm

Well if you would quit talking to him, you wouldn’t be feeling guilty. Block his ass. 


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## solost12

Yes I am blocking him.

He is flipping out on me. 

I feel like this is a shock to him so he’s not taking it well but when I took him to his families he didn’t know that it was something that I set up he thought it was just some thing that they wanted to see him. So I know he’s wondering where all of this is coming from.

But I feel like this is been going on for so long in that I’ve been telling him for so long and he’s now telling me that I am emotionally abusing him. And just called me crazy.

I don’t know again it’s like part of me feels bad because this is all sprung on him but then it’s really not spring on him then he saying he needs to stay and with the way that he is exploding on me now I don’t feel comfortable with him staying with me because what if he thinks that this is all just temporary and once he gets here it’s going to be OK and then he doesn’t look for a place to stay and if I make him leave then I’m afraid that it’ll get really ugly. Which it is already really ugly.

Can one of you tell me what to do with regards to letting him stay till he finds another place? Or is that just silly.


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## Anastasia6

Of course we can tell you. The real question is will you listen. You know our answer. We have told you a thousand times kick him out, change the locks, don't let him back in, block his number stop answering his texts, STOP having conversations with him.

He can stay at his sisters. And if he can't why is that? Because she won't put up with his sorry ass? Or he's making it seem like he will be homeless when he has friends and family. It's ok if he's homeless. He only has himself to blame. You told him you need an apartment to be away from him. You've told him he needs his own place for his ungrateful *****y daughter to stay when she visits realllllly reallly soon. He's known this but hasn't chosen to get his own apartment. These are his choices and shouldn't be a surprise to him..

But guess what even if it is a surprise IT DOESN"T MATTER. It is your apartment. You and he aren't healthy for each other and at some point it has to end. When relationships end usually at least one of the two isn't happy about it. Often times one of the two is surprised.

Block him. Don't answer the door if he shows up. He doesn't get to decide if you 'touch' his stuff. IF he shows up for his stuff call the police and tell them that you would like a supervised removal of property that he has been violent in the past and also sometimes doesn't leave when asked. Look up the non-emergency number now and put it in your phone.


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## solost12

Thank you!

I’m listening. Believe me. I am. I have never been this far here. 

He can’t stay at sisters cause it’s few 
Hours away and he goes back to
Work next week. 

I do feel horrible because I know I was emotionally abusive as well like he said but it was never intentional ever. It was reactive mostly cause I’m wounded. I have also apologized for my part. But I can’t take the blame for all of the relationship failure or justify the past physical times.

But I’m still feeling bad. Cause I have a codependent guilty doormat heart. 


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## 3Xnocharm

You can feel bad without allowing him back. Really anything that happened before doesn’t even matter, what matters is what you do now and what you do going forward. Work on yourself and stay out of relationships. 

DO NOT ALLOW HIM BACK EVER!


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## 3Xnocharm

This needs to be your mindset and motto going forward. No matter what happens to him, it’s not your problem. He’s a grownup. And if you block him, then you have no knowledge about anything he’s doing! Pick peace!












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## hubbyintrubby

He's in shock because you're actually taking action, and I'm almost positive he's not used to you doing that. You're doing what you've said you will do, creating boundaries for yourself, and when boundaries are reacted to with anger and shock, it's because they (of course) don't support that boundary. That should be enough to tell YOU that YOU are doing the right thing, despite how he might feel about it. 

He's lived his choices out and this is where it puts him. You get to make those choices, despite how he feels or wants or feels like he needs. 

He's out on his ass for a reason. Do not let him back in, or he may never leave again.


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## Openminded

He’s not going to change. This is your long wished-for opportunity to keep him out. If you let him back in, you’re very unlikely to ever get rid of him.


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## solost12

Thanks!

Yes, I know this. I know it’s done. What I’m battling with is leaving him homeless with no plan a week before he goes to work because of my contributions to the downfall. I have been controlling, needy and I guess emotionally abusive as well. Not intentionally. I think some of it stems from my childhood and some of it stems from this relationship whether it was defensive or offensive. I don’t even know anymore. 

So I feel bad. I feel guilty. I know he wouldn’t do the same to me.

So I wish there was a way to go about this cordially and amicably and just say ok you have until the end of the month and you have to go, etc. 

But I’m scared to do that. But then he also has never pointed out my “emotional abuse” to the extreme that he did. He said he can’t believe he’s allowed me to treat him the way that I have for all of these years and talk to him the way that I have for all of these years. That he would wait until he had a place for his daughters to come. So it’s like he’s almost begging?

and then said he would never throw me out, etc. homeless. 

I don’t know. Don’t most couples go through divorce not having to throw the other out on the @ss? 

Again, he thought he was just visiting family so this is a surprise to him and although he knows I wanted him to move he didn’t plan that I would tell him one week before he went back to work.

Does this make sense? I’m not trying to make excuses. I’m just knowing how he’s feeling right now and wonder what you all think there?


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## hubbyintrubby

He's a grown man who can find his own way. You moved there to get away from him in the first place, didn't you? That was never his place to live in the first place. He forced his way in and he was asked to leave multiple times without doing it on his own. He's a leach and won't stop leaching, but now has to because you've forced his hand.


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## solost12

Yes he was asked to leave but then there were moments when things were just fine and nothing was said. 

I don't want to be hated either because IF there is a change for reconciliaton AFTER he gets help for some time then it'll be my fault for being so cruel and putting him out on the streets. 

I'm just sharing my thoughts.


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## hubbyintrubby

I know you are, and that's ok. 

I know you're worried about being hated, but maybe think of it this way. You're already NOT loved, so what's worse about being hated? If he loved you, he'd respect you enough to hear your opinion without freaking out and being told you're abusive. That's not love. That's not hate, but it's really close to it.


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## Openminded

If you let him back even for one day then he’s there forever. And your toxic relationship will continue unchanged because the odds that he’ll do the hard work necessary are zero. Why should he when you keep letting him back as he is?

I look at patterns and yours is to give in to him because you really want to keep him. I think he’ll be back and all the drama will begin again. As I’ve said before, you need more help than this forum can give you.


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## solost12

Thank you! I just read this in an article about domestic abuse from a link on an attorneys divorce site. So because I was "emotionally" at times it says it's normal for victims to act out physically, etc. See below. So is this right? Is this what my husband is saying? I've never heard of this before.

*Male Victims of Domestic Violence*
The male victims of domestic violence are usually in a close relationship with their abuser, whether it’s a heterosexual or same-sex relationship. Abuse happens when there is an imbalance of power and a desire by one to control the other partner. Domestic violence can be done physically, emotionally, or sexually. Stalking or threatening can be just as destructive or dangerous, and should never be taken lightly.
_*Male victims often put the blame on themselves and are manipulated into thinking that they are the abuser. It’s normal for victims to act out physically or verbally against their abuser. This may be an unhealthy behavior, but victims should never put the blame on themselves for this kind of behavior.*_


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## Anastasia6

WHO cares. He isn't good for you. He is abusive. LET IT GO


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## solost12

I am trying but after listening to the podcasts and reading that I feel like it's really just my fault. I know I shouldn't but it's just where my mind is right now. So I feel like I'm doing something horrible.


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## Anastasia6

Because you are co-dependent and looking for a way to allow him to come back. Call the abuse hotline again. Talk with them.


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## Anastasia6

You went to a lawyers site who most likely specializes in serving men.


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## solost12

I know. I thought that was it but Mayo Clinic site says it.


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## Openminded

You are looking for excuses and you’ll always find them.


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## solost12

I'm not. This is just all really hard. Hardest thing I've ever been through. I'm sorry.


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## 3Xnocharm

Repeat, repeat, repeat....












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## Openminded

Yes, it’s hard to give up on someone you love. Very, very hard. I think the majority here have gone through it. But people either make the decision to take charge of their lives, difficult as it may be, and move on to a better life or they don‘t.


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## solost12

I know. It's so hard. Especially cause I feel like no one else will put up the stuff I added to the failure like he did. At least that's how I'm feeling right now. Like he's going to move on, I'm going to miss him and then question if I had only been different. Like my heart is broken. Like it feels broken.


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## pastasauce79

solost12 said:


> I know. It's so hard. Especially cause I feel like no one else will put up with my bull crap like he did. At least that's how I'm feeling right now. Like he's going to move on, I'm going to miss him and then question if I had only been different. Like my heart is broken. Like it feels broken.


So your problem is about you and you controlling others.

You want to be with him because he puts up with your crap. Finding another person who is not going to take any crap from you is scary.

You are scared he'll move on because you won't have anyone to control anymore. 

Your heart is not broken. I think you are not liking losing your control over him and then him realizing he can live without you. OMG!

This is very a very selfish way of thinking.


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## solost12

No I'm not saying that. It can go the same for him. I'm saying my crap in regards to clingy, neediness, feeling insecure, and letting him know that. I'm not a control freak like that. I mean trying to fix things and control the outcome of things falling apart so I pushed and pushed for talks and resolution. 

and if I was he's hardly the person to be controlled! Would never happen. So thanks


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## pastasauce79

solost12 said:


> No I'm not saying that. It can go the same for him. I'm saying my crap in regards to clingy, neediness, feeling insecure, and letting him know that. I'm not a control freak like that. I mean trying to fix things and control the outcome of things falling apart so I pushed and pushed for talks and resolution.
> 
> and if I was he's hardly the person to be controlled! Would never happen. So thanks


Yeah, neediness can get old. 

In life there are things you can't control. You need to learn how to let go.


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## Anastasia6

Sari said:


> Hi,
> I went over what you guys wrote and thought I put it here as it might be relevant and helpful to some of you in the near future. We are about to go live with a new online marriage counseling service and would love to get your view on it with a 1-minute google survey. To fill the survey, please click here > New Professional Marriage Counselling Service - from home!
> Thanks!
> Sari


Not really appropriate to stick your advertising in someone's thread. You claim you read it but you didn't even offer any advice.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

If clicked may be harmful to your pc or smartphone, hidden or obvious security or otherwise malicious malware. 

I did report it


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## 3Xnocharm

solost12 said:


> I know. It's so hard. Especially cause I feel like no one else will put up the stuff I added to the failure like he did. At least that's how I'm feeling right now. Like he's going to move on, I'm going to miss him and then question if I had only been different. Like my heart is broken. Like it feels broken.


Number one, he put up with it because he was using you, not because he loves you. Number two, you should not be with anyone if this is how you are going to be. Why punish another person like that? By that I am referring to your statement about someone “putting up” with you and your issues. Stay on your own and fix yourself. Think about it.. how selfish would it be to expect someone to “put up” with your stuff instead of taking the time and putting in the work to deal with and take care of your own issues? 

Stay strong, don’t talk to him, and don’t let him come back!


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## solost12

Hi @3Xnocharm I understand. Now that I think about it more, I was never really like this in my previous relationships. Only with him. Even in the beggining he brought out an insecure and more controlling person. I don't know if it's cause he love bombed me so hard, and that since I never had that, I was terrified it would go away. But after the many years, the other things, NOT ALL, but some were in response or learned behavior from him. Because again, I wasn't like that in the past. I mean normal insecurities but never as controlling or needing to talk all the time. It's cause the other relationships didn't have our problems. 

I did text him yesterday because I wanted to truly apologize for all of the wrong on my end. I explained how my loving yet dysfunctional childhood and things I grew up with haven't contributed to some things but I'm working on them and I have been. I told him I never intented to make him feel less than because I know deep down he has a good heart. I told him that we both have lots to work to do. I just needed to get that off of my chest. 

He responded with he's sorry that he hurt me. He told me he is ashamed and hate it and it's not who he is or who he's supposed to be and he can't live under guilt anymore cause it's stunting his growth and keeping him from who he's meant to be.

I said thank you for saying sorry and I hope that we can remain cordial and respectful to each other during this transition until we better ourselves. We're both at fault here.

He did call yesterday like nothing and I answered cause I want to be cordial. He said he was just checking in. He did text twice but I didn't respond.

So the more I think about things, him saying how I'm the only provocation, etc. is still not him taking accountability it's still my fault. 

I know that his help for the alcohol and emotional, verbal and physical is going to need a lot of work. I don't think he's willing to do all of it and will just jump into another relationship sadly. 

I feel like he hasn't even looked for a place and I saw that he has money. Over $9k in the bank so I don't understand why he tried to make me feel bad that he's homeless cause of me. That the timing sucks. I'm assuming cause his kids are coming soon and he has his DUI court date. Again though, not trying to be mean but his kids coming are not my responsibility. I've been telling him for months to have a place set up for them when they come. We can't live together full time.

I thought my proposal of living separately while getting help on both of our ends and seeing how things go was very fair. But I guess he just wants me to jump in and be who I always have been. Allow things to slide, etc. 

I feel bad but I'm not going to subject myself to that. 

You guys will be proud. I purchased the book Why Does He Do That and also a Daily Meditation book that is written by the same author. 

I also listen to this Podcast Love and Abuse by Paul Colaianni and he has a book called The M.E.A.N. Assesment out there and it's 200 questions where you check off the behavior your partner has done to you or how they have made you feel. I got a super high score of 150 which is Class D, the worst type of manipulation. He even goes to say after the results that this type of manipulator doesn't change or is very hard to change. 

I identified with some of the things but not as many as my husband has made me feel and the difference with my husband and I is that I acknowledge I need the work and I'm going to do the work.

I know he's thinking all of this moving stuff is out of nowhere but I have been saying it and it's a result of him being away and me taking the time to reflect which he hasn't.

Again, I wish that it can be cordial and I can let him come stay until he finds a place but you all think that is a bad idea, right?

You all still think I'm doing the right thing? It's not a good idea to live together until he finds a place or even work on our things until he finds a place and then continue that?

This is the last time I'm asking that of you all. Promise.


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## Anastasia6

Do NOT LET him back in. HE has 9k in the bank he could have an apartment by the end of the day if he wanted.
Do not continue with the relationship EVER. the book you just read said and it's the truth. Someone of his caliber doesn't change.


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## solost12

Thank you! I just know that he thinks cause we talked on phone and apologized that he's coming back. I don't even know what to tell him when he messages something to that extent. It's very anxiety inducing.

I've had the worst panic attacks of my life this last week. I know being on the new medicine is aggravating it but this isn't helping.


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## Anastasia6

So then why do you call him? Just stop. He'll get the message.

I know you can't help but reply so only type " We aren't good for each other. I am no longer willing to be in any kind of relationship with you. We no longer need to talk about anything. I will be filing for divorce. "

I've said this before but you keep texting and talking with him and then you come back worried. Stop communicating with him. DO not let him in your apartment. Anytime he sends you something type "We aren't good for each other. I am no longer willing to be in any kind of relationship with you. We no longer need to talk about anything. I will be filing for divorce."


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## solost12

Hi! i didn't call him. I texted to apologize for my end and did take the call from him which was a 2 minute conversation. Again, just wanting to be respectful and cordial.


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## 3Xnocharm

Screw being cordial. Stop picking up his calls... we have told you to block him. Then you don’t even know if he reaches out. Stop communicating because he will end up manipulating you like he always does. Be smart enough to see it for what it is. You’re doing better but are too close to the edge still. 













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## Blondilocks

solost12 said:


> Hi! i didn't call him. I texted to apologize for my end and did take the call from him which was a 2 minute conversation. Again, *just wanting to be respectful and cordial.
> *



Stop lying to yourself. You're doing this to keep the drama going. You don't want to be rid of him - you just want him to dance to your tune.


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## Openminded

My prediction is this will continue until _he_ gets tired of it. For whatever reason it benefits him to be with you so the day of his departure is probably very far off in the future — if ever.


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## Danielle321

solost12 said:


> Hello everyone:
> 
> I’m a newbie here and really could use some help. Thanks in advance for all who pitch in. 🙂 I’ve been with my husband for going on 12 years. Dated for many years then got married at 7 years. This is my first marriage and his 2nd. He has two daughters (14 & 12) and I have one daughter (25). We have had many issues from his drinking, to temper, to not communicating, to guilty father issues along with a mini wife daughter who competes with me, financial irresponsibility, Cheated in the past, has been physically abusive in the past as well. The physical has stopped but during times of anger he has punched things or thrown things.
> 
> Issue one:
> Most of our issues have stemmed from him not liking me setting boundaries and having say with discipline regarding his children which they need. Their mom is a mess. Divorced three times and now onto the next relationship. My husband is totally fine with me being a good step mom and doing all of the fun things with them but when it comes time for me to point something out or bring up an issue I’m the mean step mom. I don’t have a say in what goes on in our home without backlash and him getting angry at me and telling me “it’s just you”. Well no I’m sorry but you’re 12 year old still wanting to sleep with you and sit on your lap is an issue and it’s not just me. She’s VERY immature emotionally for her age and he isn’t helping with the constant babying and over coddling. He at first told me that he would sleep with his daughters at 25 if he wanted to once and I was like ok. That’s odd. I’m using this as an example of how he reacts when I bring something up. The sleeping has stopped after much going back and forth and him telling me to shush in my own home cause they’re sleeping. Everyone has to tip toe around them. Every other weekend when their here is hard. They’re good girls. I love them and they need guidance. So I have tried. I raised my daughter alone and we had a very different life growing to then the one try and provide to my step daughters and my daughter isn’t perfect but she’s a really good girl. She’s humble, respectful and appreciates the small things. Unlike his daughters who whine and complain about everything. The 14 year old has full control of him. He doesn’t even try to discipline anymore. He took her cell for inappropriate behavior and she disappeared for months. Didn’t want anything to do with us. He cried and always thinks he’s the worst father. He’s not. He spoils them and tries his best. Drops his plans whenever Their mom or they need or want. Including interfering with plans we have. It’s really out of control. So now their mom is moving them to another state and he’s of course having issues with that which is understandable. She called for his blessing and he e said no so she went and filed the court form anyway saying that he agrees with the move and she did this because she knows he has no back bone when it comes to her and the kids. She cheated and manipulated him their whole marriage and left him for another man. Has never stuck to the court ordered visitation, he has never made her so she doesn’t take him seriously. He cries when he drops them off and turns to beer and then keeps saying how much he misses them already.
> 
> It’s very unhealthy and I have told him he should talk to someone and he won’t. He says he would never do that. He doesn’t think he needs it and I’m the only one with problems. He says he only looks to the future.
> 
> Issue 2:
> Anger, communication issues, entitlement, not facing reality. We can’t have healthy conversations cause he’s so shut down emotionally. He walks away in anger ever time I want to talk about something. Whether it’s positive or not so good. Our issues are all cause of me. He’s always saying if I wouldn’t bring things up we would be fine. That if I would just change my point of view and stop being so negative we would be fine. I feel like I’m always walking on egg shells and don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. It’s circles. He has even told me while I’ve sat in front of him crying and begging to talk and hear me that where am I gonna get? That I’m wasting my time. He gets upsets and walks away. We’ve NEVER not once had a conversation that has come to a resolution. I’m not over exaggerating either. Never. So our issues are still there. He just flipped out cause I brought up therapy
> He said he’s never going and that I married the wrong person why do I want to bring our issues to a stranger/ That I can go if I want and that he’s always suggesting other ways around it like meditation yoga etc. I said those don’t fix our problems. He said you’re the only one with problems. I don’t have problems. I look to a better future.
> He said I always bring up so much negative and I’m stuck
> That I’m never positive and always have issues with everything. He said in so negative. That he had positive plans for us today but I just screwed it all up and slammed the door. He makes me feel like I’m crazy. I’m trying to save our marriage. I’m not crazy I said our issues are never resolved
> He gets so angry with me and makes me feel like I’m nuts.
> 
> Issue 3:
> Drinking. He typically drinks almost everyday or every other. Most of the time it’s not just one or two beers. Sometimes it’s two six packs. He has drunk and driven a lot before and I worry so much. His drinking has rubbed off on me and I drink sometimes now a lot during week to deal with it all. I’m allergic to wine and I still drink and am so sick the next day. He has said he would stop but he hasn’t. He has when drunk whisky in the past gotten belligerent over past conversations and things brought up about his kids. He has broken mirrors, pulled me off of a bed onto the floor and picked me back up and threw me on it. Has punched holes in walls. Most of those times I got no apology. If I wouldn’t have did or said what I said it wouldn’t have happened. When we were together after a year, he hit me so hard out of nowhere after a night of drinking. I fell to the ground and y dragged me down the hall by my legs while I was screaming and crying in shock. I had to get my back tooth taken out the next day. He hit me in the face and made my nose bleed. Most of this happened years ago and hasn’t happened in a long time but he still has anger. I don’t know why I walked away a long time ago. Guess I feel like I deserve it?
> 
> So now we’re at the point that his daughters are moving which are a problem for our marriage cause of disagreements and I was thinking wow I finally will have peace and maybe things will get better? But here I am finding myself wanting to leave him. Seems backwards to me. I guess I’m afraid he’s going to spiral in depression, go back to old ways and treat me like a punching bag.
> 
> We have some great times together and he can be the nicest guy. Breakfast in bed. Buys me what I want, is really handsome and funny and smart and I feel like We would be so good if he just met me halfway but he won’t budge. It’s his way or no way.
> 
> I know that I can be a worry wart and negative I was brought up in a very dysfunctional family and he was too but I’m not shut down emotionally like he is. He can be super emotional with other things like his kids to the point of crying but lacks it with me.
> 
> I’m not saying I’m perfect but I’m trying my best to be a good wife and step mom. I’ve done things with his children, have set special traditions things I never did with my daughter when she was that age but I still want to make things special for all of us and it never seems good enough for him the minute that I need to bring up a boundary or something that I think they need help with I’m a bad stepmom. There of been times that I would leave very seldomly for a few hours while the kids were here because I felt like a fourth wheel and he treats me very differently when they are around. The energy is very different. So I remove myself because I don’t want to be around that. And because of the two or three times I’ve done that in the last 12 years I’m “never around”. He has three older sisters and he was very spoiled when he was younger. His older sister has even told me many times that he’s a brat has to have his way and nothings ever good enough. I have major PTSD because of things that of happened in my past and with him the emotional and physical abuse and four miscarriages that I’ve had and sometimes it’s very hard for me when things happen. And I just need to talk and I need support and a lot of times it’s just why are you being so negative why can’t you just MoveOn etc. etc. and it makes me feel like I’m too dramatic or emotional or maybe too needy? Are used to be more of an extrovert and very fun and chatty and outgoing and I’m still very outgoing but have found that I am now more of an introvert and I don’t have much of a voice and situations even at work because I feel afraid that what I’m saying is wrong and that they will view me in a certain way. I feel like this is because he has tried to shut my voice down so many times in the last 12 years.
> 
> So here I am again with 1 foot out the door at a time that I thought I would never leave because his children are leaving and I thought maybe it would be an opportunity for us to really work on things and see where the issues really lied but I’m afraid that it’s not going to work he’s going to go back to old ways he’s going to not be very good to me he’s going to go into a depression and a funk and I’m going to be stuck here dealing with more of what I’ve dealt with in the past. Right now I’m feeling afraid, I’m feeling like I just want to be alone I want to work on myself I want to find who I am really supposed to be and just live life happy and with some peace of mind And not constant worry over my head. I am a tractive, I’m a good person and I have a very good heart, I have a very good job I have my life established financially and just maybe feel like it’s time to start over. I am 44 years old And scared to start over because what if I wind up being lonely for a long time or don’t have any wine or what if I make a mistake and would have missed out on things and things to change with him? Then what? But I know that I’m probably not being very rational with that thinking. I recently have gotten on Zoloft and before taking the Zoloft leaving wouldn’t even be a thought in my mind because I wasn’t thinkingBut now that I’m taking medication I am thinking more clearly and this is why I’m at where I’m at. I Went to see two apartments that I like very much and I got approved for and I can move into prior to September 1. I also would feel guilty leaving him here alone knowing that his daughters are moving out of the State and because I know that he can’t afford this house on his own. But I try to get him to move to a smaller place because we don’t need such a big home anymore and that we could work around with the girls visit but he doesn’t want to move he wants to stay here over paying rent when we don’t need all of the space. Another example of it’s all about him. So I know this is extra long and I’m probably all over the place because there is so much that is happened. I haven’t even included everything that is happened. But I really really need some input here. I also am very afraid how he will react if I do leave what if I am a statistic because he can’t handle it all? So I know I’m jumping the gun but I’m also scared. Can any of you please please offer me some advice on if I should stay and try to work it out if I am the issue or if I should pack my bags run and never look back? I appreciate all of your help in advance. Thank you so much for reading all of my craziness.


He sounds very selfish and the fact that he can't open up to you and talk must be so frustrating. If he's not willing to meet you half way then I think you should leave him. The violence when he's drinking is scary. It doesn't sound like you are happy at all. I would tell him all the things that need to change , and that if he isn't willing to try that you are leaving him. I wish you all the luck in the world.. hope you find your happiness..


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## solost12

Blondilocks you’re wrong, very wrong. 

Open minded, I’m a good woman. I am good to him. I have a great job, am attractive, have been good to his kids, his family. I’m not sure what you mean by for whatever reason if Benefits him to stay with me? I don’t get what you’re saying.


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## cowgirl

solost12 said:


> Thank you! Yes, I have seen two counselors. Both for a short time but both did say my feelings were valid and I could either leave or have him come to therapy but as you read, he refuses. I just feel confused. I know that I can be needy and insecure and wonder if it’s me? That if I didn’t always need to talk about issues if it would be better? Then thinking what if I make a mistake? But then I think what kind of mistake? He shuts me down. Has physically abused me in the past. I know some of our arguments in the past were cause we were both drinking and I would bring up infidelity but I don’t think that warrants physical abuse. But when he drinks now I’m scared. Scared to say anything that would set him off which can be the smallest innocent thing sometimes, worried that he’s going to burn the house down cause he’s cooking while drunk before bed, etc. I’m scared of what will happen once the girls move. Will it be worse or better cause he’s finally humbled? I don’t think so though Cause many things have happened that would humble someone but not for him. He thinks he’s invincible and can’t be touched. He has a warped sense of self. Always says that would never happen. Sometimes I think I’m too much of a pessimist and he’s falsely too optimistic? Again, is it me? What if he winds up with a women who is secure, doesn’t need validation or to talk? Or is that silly? I can move out this weekend if that’s what I decide to do. I know it’s sudden for him but I feel like he also has brought all of this on himself. I will worry that he’ll spiral and will drink more than ever and something bad happen but I can’t control him. I’m very afraid of what I said above but something is telling me to go. I’ve never had this much of an urge or feeling to leave before. Now that his kids are leaving and I feel the need to go. Just feel like there’s something behind it.
> 
> What do you think?


The only words I need to hear is, he's been physically abusive in the past..

That's it that's the dealbreaker, that's the boundary you allowed to be breached.

All the other stuff is fluff, that's how abusers keep human relationships they serve you breakfast in bed and go to tons of effort in order to make up for the very toxic behavior that's displayed at other times.. But toxic behavior always resurfaces.

If you feel strongly you want this relationship to work about the only thing that you could do is get into counseling.
Short of that I think that I would consider calling this, what it is. Something extremely toxic and maybe even dangerous in the long run.

All that being said I spent enough time talking to girlfriends to know, that the big thing with women is to vent get it off their chest and then go right back to the bad relationship there currently involved in.. I hope that is not you


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## solost12

Thank you @cowgirl. I am talking to a therapist weekly for the last month. She and this forum are helping a ton. I’m making my way. Farthest and longest I’ve been without him.

Only thing making me feel bad is not letting him come back and springing it on him a few days ago. I mean, I’ve been telling him I want him to move. I knew when I sent him to his families my plan was to change the locks and I did.

But now he’s out and suddenly wondering how or why I’m doing this to him out of nowhere. So yes, I feel bad and am struggling with that.


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## WandaJ

Just do not reply to the texts, that’s another way of trying to manipulate and weaken your resolve. You said what you wanted to say. 
it is hard. These will be the hardest months in front of you, a lot of doubts, tears, anxiety about the future, but you need to stay your course.
And once this is all over, you will take a deep breath and find yourself free. 
do not run for another guy right away. Focus on yourself, find yourself again.


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## solost12

Thank you for the support and kind words @WandaJ 

It is hard. He just sent me a pic of a flight for two to fort Myers next Thursday to Sunday. That makes me sad. That’s one of our fave vacay spots that we go to once a year. 

It makes me sad that he would do that.

Also makes me think he’s not taking me seriously and thinks everything is fine.


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## 3Xnocharm

If you block him, you won’t have to see that kind of crap. 


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## RebuildingMe

9 months later and all I have to do is skip to the last page of 500 posts to come to the conclusion that nothing’s changed.


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## solost12

Rebuildingme wrong. He’s not here. 


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## MattMatt

RebuildingMe said:


> 9 months later and all I have to do is skip to the last page of 500 posts to come to the conclusion that nothing’s changed.


But it doesn't help if you don't read any of the posts. They aren't together, now. That was then, this is now.


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## jlg07

solost12 said:


> Thank you for the support and kind words @WandaJ
> It is hard. He just sent me a pic of a flight for two to fort Myers next Thursday to Sunday. That makes me sad. That’s one of our fave vacay spots that we go to once a year.
> It makes me sad that he would do that.
> Also makes me think he’s not taking me seriously and thinks everything is fine.


Actually, what I think he is doing is to emotionally manipulate you to do what HE wants.
Look, you can blame yourself on this, and you can blame him if you want.
The reality of this is that you are not good for each other. You SHOULD NOT put up with any sort of physical abuse. The VERY FIRST time he hit you, he should have made appointments for counseling and anger management. THAT would have showed you he was sorry, not words. ACTIONS, not talking to you about watching youtube videos.
Him saying you are making him homeless -- emotional manipulation. Him saying "I WOULD never have done this to YOU" -- emotional manipulation to make you feel guilty.

Keep to your IC, keep on your meds, detach from him as much as you can. Do the 180 with him to help yourself detach. He will be fine. You need to make sure you will be fine.


solost12 said:


> Only thing making me feel bad is not letting him come back and springing it on him a few days ago. I mean, I’ve been telling him I want him to move. I knew when I sent him to his families my plan was to change the locks and I did.
> But now he’s out and suddenly wondering how or why I’m doing this to him out of nowhere.


You TOLD him that you wanted him out before this. He just didn't believe you and now that you HAVE your boundaries and are sticking to them, he doesn't like it.
Him saying "you did this to him out of nowhere" --- emotional manipulation to make you feel guilty and do what he wants. You warned him, yes? You told him for how long that you wanted him to move. He just thought that he'd get you to cave. You didn't, so now he's trying to figure out a way back in. Stick to your guns.


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## hubbyintrubby

How are you doing today @solost12 ?


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## Rubix Cubed

solost12 said:


> Thank you @cowgirl. ...
> 
> Only thing making me feel bad is not letting him come back and springing it on him a few days ago. I mean, I’ve been telling him I want him to move. I knew when I sent him to his families my plan was to change the locks and I did.
> 
> But now he’s out and *suddenly wondering how or why I’m doing this to him out of nowhere.* So yes, I feel bad and am struggling with that.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It's FAR from out of nowhere and he knows exactly why you did what you did.
The airplane ticket BS is him playing you just as he always has.
You truly need to stop pontificating over "what he thinks". What he thinks is If he manipulates you enough he can go back to using and abusing you just like he did before.


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## solost12

Hello, I hope that everyone is doing well and safe and healthy. I’ve been missing for a bit because I’ve been going through some things and processing everything that is happening. For an update, I did let him come back to stay with the ultimatum that he had to find a place by June 1 for him and what his daughters come to visit for the summer. 

I know that you all advised against me doing that but it’s something that I had to do for myself. I couldn’t put someone out like that especially knowing that he wouldn’t do it to me. So please respect my way of doing it.

Like you Have all said and like I thought, That he wasn’t really going to do it or that he really wasn’t going to leave. Well, he did. He moved out today.

He moved to the neighborhood that his daughters wanted to live in for social status and can’t even afford it even though I suggested to move to somewhere more affordable because there’s no guarantee that the girls are going to stay and why is he going to strap himself for where his kids want to live? Why is the adult parent can’t he make a smart decision for everybody? This is one of the main reasons amongst other things that we couldn’t be together which you all know.

He went to court for his last DUI and they made him wear a monitor bracelet for 40 days. So he hasn’t been drinking for about a month.

Of course things have been wonderful and he has been so good the last month we have gotten along great so today is extra hard.

Because I’m holding onto that. And now I’m regretting making him move because I did see this good side of him.

I am absolutely crushed to the core, I’m crying so hard I don’t know what to do with myself. This hurts so bad.

Did I make a mistake? Or are the odds superstrong that he’s going to revert to his old ways after they remove his bracelet?

I’m so messed up right now. I knew it would hurt but I had no idea it would hurt this bad. If he was still a jerk before he left it would be so much easier for me but he was it he was so good.

So please talk to me because Im in a really bad place right now.

Thank you. 


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## solost12

Hi:

Bumping this one up because I really need to talk. I’m having a really hard time and have no one to talk to. 


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## DoctorManhattan

It hurts. Especially if there are kids involved. in your case there's not. You'll realize soon this is a blessing. 

At this moment, pray. We can't understand ourselves, only He can. Don't try to make sense of it. it won't make sense right now. 

Deep breaths. I've been there. Pray. 
It'll go away. you are mourning. this is normal. you are human. 
I guarantee you tomorrow will be better. 
There are things you have to do to make it better, though. 
You've come a long way. Hang in there for you and your daughter's sake.


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## solost12

Thank you @DoctorManhattan 

I’ve been praying but I don’t know if I’m asking for the right things. 

I guess I’m shocked that he actually left and even though it’s not right that I’m thinking this I want him to fight for me and our relationship. It’s like now that he has his own place and his daughters are coming he’s good to go. That hurts. 

Of course he was so good before. This is what I’m holding onto. Because I saw him sober for almost a month. 

I wonder if being sober for 40 days including his kids coming that he’ll never drink again. And then what? I feel like I screwed up and didn’t give a chance and all of that. It’s what or thinking I know. But they’re my thoughts and I think that’s what I’m holding onto too. 

This goes back to what if he changes and all that from a long time ago. Slim chance I’m sure but just my thoughts. 

I just need reassurance again that I did the right thing after seeing him sober. Because again that’s what I’m holding onto.

Yes so good trae we don’t have children together. I can’t imagine how much worse this would be! 

So just need a reminder and strength. 


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## hubbyintrubby

How has everything been going there @solost12 ?


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## solost12

..


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## Violet28

One sure sign that it's time to leave relationship is when it drives you start medicating yourself.


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