# Wife's Ex messaging her



## DragonFighter (May 2, 2013)

Hi everyone, I am new to TAM, but I am glad I found this site. Some background, I am 23, my wife is 24, and we have 2 beautiful little girls (3.5, 1.5). I know we are young, but we have a pretty good relationship. No infidelity that I know of, although I have been suspicious a few times.

One of those times is when she went out for a GNO with her friends when our oldest was only a few months old (her one friend was notoriously ****ty, I mean, over 50 guys and she was only 23 at the time, and the other was early 30s w/ 2 teenage daughters, never married). They went to a party and then to a bar, with not much texting from her end to me. I hadn't heard from her around 2am, so I called her a few times, she never called me back until after 3, where in the background I heard her friends saying I was being a ***** and not to worry about her. She got home after 4am (I was pissed and still awake), and she was extremely drunk. I found texts from some guy asking what she is doing after the bar (he was the bass player in a band, no contact before that I know of). When I asked why they were texting and how she got his #, she said her older friend gave it to his sister for him? (makes no ****ing sense). Then came the FB pictures, there were pics of her kissing her friends at the party and at the bar (disgusting enough), and then pictures of her with the bass player in the band up on the stage. She said she didn't talk to him (yea right), and that nothing happened. To this day, I don't think anything happened, but I don't know for sure.

Some other things include her first boyfriend (that she lost her v-card to) texting her (before we switched #s) and now facebook messaging her from time to time. At first, she wouldn't tell me until after they had exchanged a few messages, nothing bad, just thanks, how are you, etc. He was living in Florida but recently moved back to our hometown, and he messaged my wife last night on Facebook asking how she has been. I should note, she cheated on the boyfriend she had when we met (that she didn't tell me about), with this first boyfriend, let's call him FruitCake. He is a complete loser, 26, ****ty job, drug addict, fat, ugly, etc. In comparison, I am almost 24, fairly attractive, intelligent, high paying career (medical, 6 figures), loving, attentive (sometimes too much, I admit that the kids and marriage have slightly beta-ized me from being the alpha I was when we met 6 years ago). She didn't answer him, says that "she was in a bad period of her life when she cheated on bf#2 w/ Fruitcake and just wanted to have a connection w/ her hometown? (long story, but her parents had to move to a ****ty, hick town from nice neighborhood). NO excuse IMO. 

Long story short, I don't think she would do anything, but I really don't know. I finished college (bachelor's in biochemistry) at 20, and declined medical school because we found out she was pregnant. I pretty much gave up my life goals to be with her and give her a very good life, something FruitCake never could. Am I right to worry? Or am I just overreacting. 

**Note: She said she would delete him from FB if I want her to (not sure why they are friends in the first place)? I told her that I won't make her do anything, she has to make the decision for herself, that I can't control what she does. I should also note that I travel for my job, I am on the west coast every other week for work, home for a week, gone for a week, etc. I know this is hard for her, because of getting the kids to daycare and getting to work on time everyday, but until we have a permanent person on west coast, my boss and I are splitting the time. Thanks for the input and advice, I know you guys know what you're talking about.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I can't think of any good reason for a young mother to party all night, come home drunk at 4:00am, with photos of her kissing other folks, and getting secret text messages from other guys (known and unknown). Doesn't sound like responsible wife or responsible mother behavior to me. If you partied all night and she found secret text messages from you from some waitress at Hooters, what would be her reaction? If you were secretly exchanging text messages with some chick you used to bang, what would be her reaction? If she wouldn't like it, she shouldn't do it. That's the way this marriage stuff works. 
A medical degree would be something solid you could depend on for the rest of your life. I don't know if I'd place as much faith in your wife being around 10 years from now. I believe I'd figure out a way to get into med school and devote my energy into something durable. Sounds like she doesn't know whether she's gay, straight, married, single, mom, or kid. Don't believe I'd hitch my wagon to that. Your kids will need stability. That is a certainty. You may end up being their only chance of getting it. That is a likelihood. Maybe your wife is just temporarily acting the fool (unlikely) or maybe you've described a pattern of weak, dishonest, unfaithful, character which is likely to continue and probably will get worse. Hooking up with someone with weak character is like changing a baby diaper. You don't know what you'll find but you know it won't be anything good.


----------



## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

You need some boundaries. Like yesterday. You are both really young, but people twice your age make similar mistakes. No more toxic friend. She is history. No more ex-boyfriends. You need to tell her what you need, not be passive aggressive with "do what you think is right." Explain your feelings, they are valid. 

Also, a marriage counselor wouldn't hurt.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Clearly there are some serious issues. She seems one who settled down too early and wants to still party without you in the picture. 

I suggest bugging her phone & computer (others here can help you with that) and a few VAR's- one in her car, one in her purse when she goes out, one under the bed... and closely monitor the situation.

Also, have a calm sit down with her and work on the relationship together. She needs to grow up a bit and maybe you need to find more time with her.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

DragonFighter said:


> Hi everyone, I am new to TAM, but I am glad I found this site. Some background, I am 23, my wife is 24, and we have 2 beautiful little girls (3.5, 1.5). I know we are young, but we have a pretty good relationship. No infidelity that I know of, although I have been suspicious a few times.
> 
> One of those times is when she went out for a GNO with her friends when our oldest was only a few months old (her one friend was notoriously ****ty, I mean, over 50 guys and she was only 23 at the time, and the other was early 30s w/ 2 teenage daughters, never married). They went to a party and then to a bar, with not much texting from her end to me. I hadn't heard from her around 2am, so I called her a few times, she never called me back until after 3, where in the background I heard her friends saying I was being a ***** and not to worry about her. She got home after 4am (I was pissed and still awake), and she was extremely drunk. I found texts from some guy asking what she is doing after the bar (he was the bass player in a band, no contact before that I know of). When I asked why they were texting and how she got his #, she said her older friend gave it to his sister for him? (makes no ****ing sense). Then came the FB pictures, there were pics of her kissing her friends at the party and at the bar (disgusting enough), and then pictures of her with the bass player in the band up on the stage. She said she didn't talk to him (yea right), and that nothing happened. To this day, I don't think anything happened, but I don't know for sure.
> 
> ...


You may not be able to control what she does, but you can control what you accept from her. And under the circumstances you describe, you should not accept that your wife is Facebooking and messaging with an ex-bf, or any male friend for that matter. For most marriages, these are reasonable boundaries regardless; but especially since she has shown other questionable behavior.

Take her up on her offer and ask her to remove him from Facebook and stop contact with him. Don't play with fire.

I would also seriously consider monitoring her while you're away on business; at least until you're satisfied she's behaving. If you need help with how, you'll get lots of advice here.


----------



## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I can't think of any good reason for a young mother to party all night, come home drunk at 4:00am, with photos of her kissing other folks, and getting secret text messages from other guys (known and unknown). Doesn't sound like responsible wife or responsible mother behavior to me. If you partied all night and she found secret text messages from you from some waitress at Hooters, what would be her reaction? If you were secretly exchanging text messages with some chick you used to bang, what would be her reaction? If she wouldn't like it, she shouldn't do it. That's the way this marriage stuff works.
> A medical degree would be something solid you could depend on for the rest of your life. I don't know if I'd place as much faith in your wife being around 10 years from now. I believe I'd figure out a way to get into med school and devote my energy into something durable. Sounds like she doesn't know whether she's gay, straight, married, single, mom, or kid. Don't believe I'd hitch my wagon to that. Your kids will need stability. That is a certainty. You may end up being their only chance of getting it. That is a likelihood. Maybe your wife is just temporarily acting the fool (unlikely) or maybe you've described a pattern of weak, dishonest, unfaithful, character which is likely to continue and probably will get worse. Hooking up with someone with weak character is like changing a baby diaper. You don't know what you'll find but you know it won't be anything good.


Agreed. DF, your wife gave up the right to have physical sexualized physical contact with anyone, male or female, when she married you. She gave up the right to acting like a drunken, slvtty teenager when she bore her first child, never mind her second. You need to sit her down and explain to her, firmly and with a tone that doesn't brook any bullsh!t, that she's a grown woman with responsbilities now, that she has an obligation to do what is best for her marriage and her children, and that binge drinking, and bending (if not breaking) her marriage vows by fooling around with another guy, is not best for either of those.

A human being loses the right to act selfishly and impulsively when they bring a child into this world, a child whose happiness and self-esteen are dependent upon a stable loving family.


----------



## DragonFighter (May 2, 2013)

Woah, everyone. I guess I didn't clarify very well, the drinking incident was when our oldest was only a few months old, it was for her 22nd birthday. She hasn't gone to the bar since then (without me), and does not like to drink. My main concern was if I have any reason to be worried about the old boyfriend moving back to where we live and messaging her, in light of her cheating on her old boyfriend w/ this dude (and with me, although I didn't know she had a boyfriend "she was looking for a way to leave, but couldn't", when we met). She is a very good, loving mother to our daughters, and would do anything for them. She had a very rough childhood, crazy parents, and I know she wants better for her kids. 

In regards to the medical degree, I have a National License in Intraoperative Neurophysiologic Monitoring. I would consider going back to get my M.D. if it wouldn't completely eff up our lives. She makes only 1/3rd of what I do, and she works in the city, big corporation w/ business degree. We wouldn't be able to afford our house, cars, daycare, etc. I've already given up medical school and found a good job working in Neurosurgeries, just not exactly where I thought I would be (I make sure the neurosurgeon doesn't damage brain/spinal cord during surgery, so pretty important). Thanks for the input.

Also, thatbpguy, I do agree we need to work on our relationship a little bit. It is difficult when I work 12-16 hours a day, either where we live or across the country, then have the kids to take care of, very little time for each other. Thank you.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I don't know how else to put this other than you need to tell her that the GNO's and getting drunk end immediately and that you will no longer watch your children if she goes out. (Don't come hoime the nights you know she is planing to go out). She is a wife and a mother and she has no good reason to do this. She needs to grow up. 

Another thing you need to do is to end the social media thing. No Facebook or other social media. Start monitoring the cell phone, if you see activity you don't like, cut the service off.

Finally, You both got married and had kids way too young. She seems to want to have fun and pawn the responsibility off to you while she enjoys herself. You can't make this behavior easy for her. Be prepared for WWIII when you put your foot down, but you got to it. Whether you realize it or not, you are making it real easy for some guy to bang her. Don't allow that to happen by being passive. It's OK to be controlling and It's OK to insist on strong boundaries. All I can say to you is that if you don't take some action now, you'll wind up being made a cuckold. Read some of the stories here, you'll see that I'm right.


----------



## DragonFighter (May 2, 2013)

Also forgot to mention in my reply, she no longer talks to or associates with those two girls (because of the big blow-out we had that night after the bar).


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

BK23 said:


> You need some boundaries. Like yesterday. You are both really young, but people twice your age make similar mistakes. No more toxic friend. She is history. No more ex-boyfriends. You need to tell her what you need, not be passive aggressive with "do what you think is right." Explain your feelings, they are valid.
> 
> Also, a marriage counselor wouldn't hurt.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You need to find a way to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week of alone time with your wife that is important.


----------



## DragonFighter (May 2, 2013)

BK23, I agree with you that I do have a tendency to be Passive Aggressive. I read MMSLP to try and address some of these issues, and I feel I have done a pretty good job, but still slip into these passive-aggressive, beta modes sometimes. @tom67, thank you. I will make my best efforts to afford that time together (weekends are nice because 9 times out of 10 I am off and don't have to work, although I'm on call). We live for weekends, literally. family time. zoo. playing together outside, etc.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She doesn't need to have any dealings at all with exes. There are way to many examples herd of that being an epic fail.
MMSLP is great. Facebook can be a trap. 
How do you know what's going on while you are away?


----------



## DragonFighter (May 2, 2013)

@chapparal, while I can never be certain what goes on while I'm away, I have a pretty good idea. Because of the 3 hour time difference, she calls me when she is on the way to the kids daycare (4am my time), texts me while she's reading the metro downtown to work, will text me throughout the day at work, call me after work when she picks up the kids, and then facetime me from home so I can see the kids. I guess the only time I don't really know what she is doing is while she is at work, but I am 99% sure nothing would be going on there. I monitor her texting activity/call activity, looking for any suspicious #s, and haven't seen anything. She also calls me when she goes to bed, (I know she wouldn't do anything like leave the house w/ our kids in it). Thanks for the replies everyone.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

DragonFighter said:


> **Note: She said she would delete him from FB if I want her to (not sure why they are friends in the first place)? I told her that I won't make her do anything, she has to make the decision for herself, that I can't control what she does.


 Your response is not only super Beta, it is not honest. Marriage is all about control. When you got married you both agreed to be controlled by your marriage vows which includes the promise to forsake all others. Control is not a dirty word. Embrace it and discuss it while verbalizing what it means by agreeing to normal marital boundaries that control how you interact with others. One very basic marital boundary that most every couple agrees to is that you cannot be friends with anyone that you ever had any form of sex with. Bottom line, immediately take her up on her offer to de-friend this other man, and work with her in establishing agreed upon marital boundaries going forward that would prevent such things from happening again.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Geeze, DF, it would have been nice to know some of this stuff before we skewered your wife.


----------



## DragonFighter (May 2, 2013)

@thatbpguy, yes sorry. I did say quickly in my initial post that it happened when our oldest was only a few months old. I had a lot to get off my chest, was having a hard time making sure to include everything. She is a great woman, I just think she is too nice and allows these situations to happen (I know that should not be the case). 

Here's an example: She just started back to work a year ago. Almost immediately this guy began hitting on her, but in a more high school than serious way, bragging about how he has multiple girlfriends at a time blah blah blah. I told her it made me extremely uncomfortable, and I told her I wanted to talk to her boss about it. She said it would make things awkward because it is a small group she works in, as part of a larger company (her, her boss, and 4 other guys in a cubicle area), and this guy is one of them. He is also not of US origin, he's Armenian or something. I don't really care. I told her how it made me feel, and she said she didn't want to cause problems at work. Finally, and luckily, her cousin (who works at the same company, different dept), saw this guy flirting/bothering her, and told him in no uncertain terms to cut the s-h-i-t, told my wife's manager, and this guy was put on warning. Hasn't talked to my wife since. My wife told her manager that this guy upset me w/ how he was acting there, but she didn't want to cause issues. My wife is just too nice of a person, but this clearly allows people to hit on her in a not so good way. She is not interested, but I have read stories on here of how uninterested wives "let" things get to far. Thanks everyone. Luckily for me, her cousin is watching out for her there, and I am at all other times. Unfortunately for me, I don't have access to her work e-mail/work chat-app.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Well I have to say you are lucky her cousin was there but your wife has to learn how to say no. Boundaries my friend.


----------



## DragonFighter (May 2, 2013)

@plan9, your assumption is correct, I am 99.99% sure she is not cheating. Your take is interesting, I hadn't thought of our relationship like that, but I can see where you are coming from. What do you mean by "woman up"? You are right though, she relies on me to make the decisions nearly all the time for our family, and while I am not upset about that or anything, I can see what you mean if something doesn't change in the next 10 years. Thanks for that other view on the situation.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Over-drinking, secret text messages, dude persistently flirting with her at work are all indications of the same problems...immaturity and lack of commitment. She didn't need you or management to stop this clown from hitting on her at work. She just needed to shoot him down. Instead, she apparently rewarded his behavior because it continued. If she wanted it to stop, she would have stopped it. If she wanted to not get text messages from an ex, she would have told him to stop calling. She doesn't need you to stop it. The things that are happening in her life that irritate or trouble you are happening because she chooses for them to happen...again and again and again. Your problem isn't the ex. It isn't the guy at work. The common denominator here is your wife. Unless she looks like Chewbacca, guys will hit on her for as long and as often as she permits.


----------



## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

Dragonfighter. This story is just but one example of why I won't date anyone that parties and goes clubbing.

You need to put your foot down. You have 2 options.

1) Tell her she is a wife and mother now and partying like a college sophomore, especially given she has already proven she can't handle it, is over. Going out with friends is fine. Going partying, clubbing, staying out til the wee hours of the morning and giving out her number to guys is NOT.

or

2) Put up with it.

If you choose option 1, then you need to be prepared to leave her if she doesn't want to give up her partying lifestyle.

And I don't like to make assumptions, but reading your story, my guess is she is cheating on you, or would definitely be open to the idea.


----------



## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

DragonFighter said:


> Woah, everyone. I guess I didn't clarify very well, the drinking incident was when our oldest was only a few months old, it was for her 22nd birthday. She hasn't gone to the bar since then (without me), and does not like to drink.


Ok, good information to know, but still doesn't excuse what she did.

Perhaps then you can tell her since she didn't conduct herself like a married woman and mother that she should refrain from such activities in the future, and block these guys that have her number.




> My main concern was if I have any reason to be worried about the old boyfriend moving back to where we live and messaging her, in light of her cheating on her old boyfriend w/ this dude (and with me, although I didn't know she had a boyfriend "she was looking for a way to leave, but couldn't", when we met).


Anyone who is in a committed relationship that goes out and stays out that late, even once, and gets guys texting her is reason to worry.




> She is a very good, loving mother to our daughters, and would do anything for them.


Good, then you should be able to sit her down, tell her what she did was inappropriate and should never happen again. If what you say is true above, she shouldn't have any problem with not ever doing that again, at least without you.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

DragonFighter said:


> Hi everyone, I am new to TAM, but I am glad I found this site. Some background, I am 23, my wife is 24, and we have 2 beautiful little girls (3.5, 1.5). I know we are young, but we have a pretty good relationship. No infidelity that I know of, although I have been suspicious a few times.
> 
> *At your age you should be suspiscious a few times. This screams of poor intimacy and weak boundaries.*
> 
> ...


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

DragonFighter said:


> @chapparal, while I can never be certain what goes on while I'm away, I have a pretty good idea. Because of the 3 hour time difference, she calls me when she is on the way to the kids daycare (4am my time), texts me while she's reading the metro downtown to work, will text me throughout the day at work, call me after work when she picks up the kids, and then facetime me from home so I can see the kids. I guess the only time I don't really know what she is doing is while she is at work, but I am 99% sure nothing would be going on there. I monitor her texting activity/call activity, looking for any suspicious #s, and haven't seen anything. She also calls me when she goes to bed, (I know she wouldn't do anything like leave the house w/ our kids in it). Thanks for the replies everyone.


These calls are all well and good but you have no idea what she is doing.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> Geeze, DF, it would have been nice to know some of this stuff before we skewered your wife.


This is how this goes often here on TAM. It comes off as a bait and switch.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

DragonFighter said:


> @thatbpguy, yes sorry. I did say quickly in my initial post that it happened when our oldest was only a few months old. I had a lot to get off my chest, was having a hard time making sure to include everything. She is a great woman, I just think she is too nice and allows these situations to happen (I know that should not be the case).
> 
> Here's an example: She just started back to work a year ago. Almost immediately this guy began hitting on her, but in a more high school than serious way, bragging about how he has multiple girlfriends at a time blah blah blah. I told her it made me extremely uncomfortable, and I told her I wanted to talk to her boss about it. She said it would make things awkward because it is a small group she works in, as part of a larger company (her, her boss, and 4 other guys in a cubicle area), and this guy is one of them. He is also not of US origin, he's Armenian or something. I don't really care. I told her how it made me feel, and she said she didn't want to cause problems at work. Finally, and luckily, her cousin (who works at the same company, different dept), saw this guy flirting/bothering her, and told him in no uncertain terms to cut the s-h-i-t, told my wife's manager, and this guy was put on warning. Hasn't talked to my wife since. My wife told her manager that this guy upset me w/ how he was acting there, but she didn't want to cause issues. My wife is just too nice of a person, but this clearly allows people to hit on her in a not so good way. She is not interested, but I have read stories on here of how uninterested wives "let" things get to far. Thanks everyone. Luckily for me, her cousin is watching out for her there, and I am at all other times. Unfortunately for me, I don't have access to her work e-mail/work chat-app.


Instead of your wife having good boundaries and shutting this guy down completely, she enabled him which created more drama. Soemone else had to intervene to assert a boundary for her. 

Then your wife tells her boss her husband has a problem with this guy. Do you see how she does not assert her own boundaries. If she even considers a boundary she does not put her big girl pants on, she wants someone else to decide. This is concerning. The problem is that she is letting other people decide. She seems to go along with the crowd. Not good. 

Rather than tell people her husband this or that she needs to speak to then as herself and assert boundaries. Her having poor boundaries for her marriage is not being nice. It is rationalizing weakness. You should not have to c0ckblock for her continuously. She goes along with being hit on because she likes it. Telling her boss that her husband has an issue makes you look like an idiot and basically says she is ok with it. Sooooo. It by definition will not be seen as sexual harassment because she is ok with it.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

DF, time to go back and tell her, yes delete the guy AND block him.

Here is an important rule for married folks:

No EXs or anyone you've slept wth EVER in you contacts list or friends. They did get chosen as the life partner, so they get dumped.


----------



## DragonFighter (May 2, 2013)

I wasn't trying to bait and switch anyone, I mentioned the drinking thing happened a few years ago, but I guess I didn't make that clear enough. She has now blocked her ex on FB (small consolation, never should have been friends in the first place, I know). We will have some boundary issues to work out, I always kinda (stupidly) thought, if he's not messaging her, nothing will happen. Well, even the ability to contact can lead to bad things. Thanks for all your input and criticisms, harsh as they may be. To Entropy, unfortunately the no travel thing is not possible. I am the contract manager at this hospital, so my boss and I are splitting the travel until a more permanent solution is available.


----------



## DragonFighter (May 2, 2013)

Someone mentioned this, I think it was entropy, that she married the nerd. I guess you could say I'm a nerd, but not completely. We met in my fraternity, I played college baseball, academic scholarship. So, a mixed bag of sorts. We had it out a little bit over the phone tonight, it took her until tonight to block him, and after I told her again, saying she "didn't realize it was such an issue for me". Of course it's an issue for me! ... I will keep you all updated, but hopefully this is the last we hear from this loser. We will definitely be having a discussion on boundaries and how she needs to put a stop to things, as you all said, I can't, and shouldn't, (or others) be always needed to put an end to things. Thanks everyone.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Dude you should take her on one of these work trips and start bonding again jmo.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

DragonFighter said:


> I wasn't trying to bait and switch anyone, I mentioned the drinking thing happened a few years ago, but I guess I didn't make that clear enough. She has now blocked her ex on FB (small consolation, never should have been friends in the first place, I know). We will have some boundary issues to work out, I always kinda (stupidly) thought, if he's not messaging her, nothing will happen. Well, even the ability to contact can lead to bad things. Thanks for all your input and criticisms, harsh as they may be. To Entropy, unfortunately the no travel thing is not possible. I am the contract manager at this hospital, so my boss and I are splitting the travel until a more permanent solution is available.


I totally understand. I have been around the block and held a good number of key positions. I have even changed jobs to save my marriage.

It comes down to choices. It takes a very strong woman to handle this. One with rock solid boundaries who can stand on their own while you are gone. 

Try doing His Needs Her Needs together. This goes into boundary setting which you guys really need. BUT, the thing is that on top of that you have to figure out a way for you to meet each others needs. This type of travel is a marriage.

What you can do is sit down with your boss and put a time limit on this. Force their hand. I have seen this type stuff go on for years with people. There has to be a sense of urgency. Not sure how your boss feels about it. Is he married? If so how long? Does he have kids?

There may be urgency. Who knows. Hiring can take time. However, I have seen companies open positions with no intent to actually fill them. Some folks believe in being lean and mean and if it save some money to have folks work themselves to death they will. This is a boundary issue as well. So again sit down and put some limit on this. 

It comes down to you and your wife being connected. I have spent most of my married life as a workaholic so I know about how couples can become disconnected.


----------



## DragonFighter (May 2, 2013)

@tom67, I would love to do that. I don't know how we could swing it financially though with our kids. We don't have any family nearby (or any friends) to watch our kids for a week, so they would have to fly with us, total would be a few thousand each time. If I could somehow get my parents (hers aren't an option) to watch our kids for a week, I would in a heartbeat spend the $1000 to fly her out w/ me.


----------



## DragonFighter (May 2, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> What you can do is sit down with your boss and put a time limit on this. Force their hand. I have seen this type stuff go on for years with people. There has to be a sense of urgency. Not sure how your boss feels about it. Is he married? If so how long? Does he have kids?
> 
> *My boss is married, 3 years, and he just had his first child in October.*
> 
> ...


*I really don't want to be known as the workaholic dad who was never there. I would leave my job if there were anything remotely better, but where I am at is the best salary/opportunity/and yes, travel-wise. Other companies fly people every week to mutiple locations, I am at least, for the time being, home every other week. We should have the permanent person filled in the next couple of weeks to months, so travel will reduce significantly after that, until I install the next contract*


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

DragonFighter said:


> @tom67, I would love to do that. I don't know how we could swing it financially though with our kids. We don't have any family nearby (or any friends) to watch our kids for a week, so they would have to fly with us, total would be a few thousand each time. If I could somehow get my parents (hers aren't an option) to watch our kids for a week, I would in a heartbeat spend the $1000 to fly her out w/ me.


Figure out a way at least one trip my man. Is she worth fighting for? then do it, peace.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

DragonFighter said:


> *I really don't want to be known as the workaholic dad who was never there. I would leave my job if there were anything remotely better, but where I am at is the best salary/opportunity/and yes, travel-wise. Other companies fly people every week to mutiple locations, I am at least, for the time being, home every other week. We should have the permanent person filled in the next couple of weeks to months, so travel will reduce significantly after that, until I install the next contract*


Yeah I get it. Some folks are just road warriors. It takes a comitted loving couple to survive this.

So when you install the next contract ... you will be travelling like this again? So this is basically a normal part of the job. 

It is hard enough to have a demanding job even when there is not a lot of travel. 

Defintiley do His Needs Her Needs. Get the boundaries going. This is something you guys agree on. But again you both are going to have to concentrate on meeting each others needs.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

DragonFighter said:


> Someone mentioned this, I think it was entropy, that she married the nerd. I guess you could say I'm a nerd, but not completely. We met in my fraternity, I played college baseball, academic scholarship. So, a mixed bag of sorts. We had it out a little bit over the phone tonight, it took her until tonight to block him, and after I told her again, saying she "didn't realize it was such an issue for me". Of course it's an issue for me! ... I will keep you all updated, but hopefully this is the last we hear from this loser. We will definitely be having a discussion on boundaries and how she needs to put a stop to things, as you all said, I can't, and shouldn't, (or others) be always needed to put an end to things. Thanks everyone.


Her marriage should be important to HER. I don't need to know how badly it might hurt my wife to see that chatting up my ex would be a bad idea for my marriage, whether my wife even knows or not. The devil is a low joker and he loves to bust up marriages. Why lay a red carpet out for him? Imagine that she maintains close contact with this ex or this clown from work. What happens when you and she happen to be in a low, difficult spot in your marriage? She might be pure as the driven snow, but she's human and we all have periods of weakness. There are enough temptations in life without courting them, "friending" them on FB, getting drunk and hopping on stage with them, exchange numbers with them, etc. We guard things we value. She's not guarding her marriage which tells me she doesn't value it all that much.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Kill the ex boyfriend messaging dead as of yesterday. Ex boyfriends are not friends or buddies or pals. I'm sure in some relationships it's possible but for me it's an absolute no no, especially if it's bothering you, which it is.
It's not about telling her what she can and can't do, it's about boundaries. You're married. I'm sure there are things she won't allow and is in her rights as your wife to demand you not do.
I'm sure the going out thing was a one off, what happened you will never know, and it seems she's been fairly good since then but fact is you are writing her, so something is bothering you enough to write about it.

You know she cheated previously. So when she went out and stayed out you're "you cheated once before and I never came to terms with it" alarm started ringing.
Now ex messages and your alarm is ringing again.
I suggest putting a key logger on the computer, tell her to end all contact then see if she breaks it. Then you'll have a much better idea of what you are up against. If she doesn't break contact, then at least you can put your mind at ease somewhat.


----------



## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

When a wife/partner asks you is she should not do something or do something, it can often be a fitness test. She's waiting for you to make a big chest and raise your voice (metaphorically), when you don't do it you fail.

You either draw the lines and limits in your relationship, or someone else will.

I think there was a time when men could just be good men, and it was enough. You are surrounded on all side by feral worthless men who want think twice about taking everything you have invested the last 5-7 years of your life, passive will get you in to trouble fast.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey DragonF-----a very good friend of mine works with surgeons, in their surgeries, for Johnson and Johnson---and great as it is jobwise, and money wise---for the mge---it is very tuff

He lives in So Calif---yet during a given month--he goes to Phoenix, Vegas, the Bay Area, and now one week every month he goes to Hawaii---that would be paradise for a single---for a married it ain't so good---luckily his wife also has a high paying job---and she stays busy herself---actually the kid is the one suffering, as he is growing up with a nanny, and 2 parents, who due to work, are pretty much to busy for him---they love him to death---but are bound by their jobs

You are in a different situation in that my friends did not marry till their mid 30's---so they have sown their wild oats-----you may not need to sow your oats---but your wife just may be missing this part of her life----so yes she needs boundaries---but do not control her

You may not like what I am gonna say next---but you should hear it anyway---you have accomplished nice goals---but you come on as a bragger, and tell everyone just how wonderful you are----truth of the matter--is that hundreds of thousands, have gotten athletic scholarships, and there are many doing what you do in the various fields of medicine---and they do not go around bragging about how wonderful they are

I understand you don't like your wife's ex---and he is a lowlife scumbag---but that is what you should have called him, and let it go at that---and if your attitude toward others who you deal with in life, is the same as the blowhard you present yourself as here---somewhere along the line you are gonna git bit

Do not take this as a put down---just a piece of constructive criticism, as to how you come off to others


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling. I think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

DragonFighter,

I have feeling that it won't be long before you are back with a much sadder story.

As others have pointed out, marriages in which one partner is away a lot of the time are prone to problems. Combine that with a W who seems incapable (or, worse, unwilling) to tell lotharios to get lost and you are likely headed for trouble.

I suggest that you make it clear to your W that if she ever gets involved with another guy -- even if it only involves holding hands or saying "I love you" -- you will end the marriage. I also suggest that you start looking for a job that keeps you at home more of the time.

The bottom line is that the two of you need to decide what is more important, your marriage and kids or your jobs and "friends."

Wishing you well.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think I'm a fairly typical guy and I can honestly say I haven't maintained a close personal relationship with any non-relative female that I didn't want to nail. I don't pick females for fishing buddies, drinking buddies, to help me work on the car, or because I find their tales of shopping so fascinating. Unless he's selling her cable TV, there's probably no innocent reason for this guy to be texting your wife if both parties were completely honest about it. If they aren't talking about inappropriate subjects yet, they will be. I'm married. If I don't have some business with a woman, I don't sit around chatting with her or texting her, especially behind my wife's back. It's just asking for trouble.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

badmemory said:


> You may not be able to control what she does, but you can control what you accept from her. And under the circumstances you describe, you should not accept that your wife is Facebooking and messaging with an ex-bf, or any male friend for that matter. For most marriages, these are reasonable boundaries regardless; but especially since she has shown other questionable behavior.
> 
> *Take her up on her offer and ask her to remove him from Facebook and stop contact with him. Don't play with fire.*
> 
> I would also seriously consider monitoring her while you're away on business; at least until you're satisfied she's behaving. If you need help with how, you'll get lots of advice here.


I agree. And I also believe that sometimes the errant partner is really looking to see if you have the balls to ask for what you want.

I remember my fiance asked me if it was ok to wish his "just a friend" ex a happy b-day on Facebook. The response I gave at the time was "are you ready for the possible barrage of messages from her if you do so?" Since he was trying to show me that he was erasing her from his life, that was enough to get him to not do it. 

But I'll never be too shy again to ask for I want.


----------



## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Ol' DF is long gone I'm afraid.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

JMGrey said:


> Ol' DF is long gone I'm afraid.


Yeah, last time here was May 3. Oh well, he might be back, and of course, everything will be much worse. The vast majority that come here are in denial and don't want to believe. They aren't in the right frame of mind yet to accept the advice here, and it takes more suffering on their part before their eyes begin to open.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

DragonFighter said:


> My main concern was if I have any reason to be worried about the old boyfriend moving back to where we live and messaging her, in light of her cheating on her old boyfriend w/ this dude (and with me, although I didn't know she had a boyfriend "she was looking for a way to leave, but couldn't", when we met).


I'm going to put this fairly direct and as simple as I can. When a man and a woman are talking, one or both are thinking about f---ing.


----------

