# Husband has to be away from home for work



## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

In my previous posts, I’ve mentioned my husband’s emotional affair with his ex-girlfriend, his fantasies (sexual and otherwise) about our/his friends and acquaintances, and his crush on an intern at work. Although he’s admitted he’s attracted to a few other women at work and his boss, he’s most attracted to the intern. I’m not sure if he differentiates between “attracted to” and “finds attractive,” but I know he’s at least attracted to the intern and his boss. Not sure about the others. He says he’s never had a sexual fantasy about any of the women at work, including the intern, except his boss.

He’s been on a long hiatus from work (at a summer camp) and has to go back for three final weeks. It was supposed to be two weeks, but he got scheduled for an additional week that I don’t think he can get out of. Not only that, but his boss wants him to start work on Saturday, even though camp starts on Monday. Even worse, they’re having staff bonding events because they had three weeks off. I don’t know why they need to do this for two days and nights before camp starts back, but they are. I know he’s not lying because I saw the text he sent to his boss and the text she sent back as well as the email she sent to all the staff. 

Our plan for right now is that I’ll stay there for the weekend, and he’ll come home Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Tuesday and Thursday nights, I’ll drive up and spend with him there. It's about an hour away. There are a couple of complications. Though I’ve been invited to “hang out” and most everyone is nice and welcoming and open, it will be the most boring thing ever. There isn’t cell reception, and he’ll probably be busy the whole time. I can bring materials to read and write and keep myself occupied, but I’ll be outside in 90F+ weather and alone most of the day. Or I’ll have to join in whatever lame activities they’re doing, which I’ll probably hate. What I really want to do is just to watch him from a tree with wifi and not have to talk to anyone that I don’t want to. 

Lastly, I’m worried that he’ll be put in a team with the one girl he likes. I’ve suggested he tell his boss that he’d rather work with the two teammates he had formerly because they were a good team and worked well together. If this doesn’t work logistically, what can he tell his boss to get reassigned? Even though I feel now that he has much better boundaries, and is much more aware of inappropriate behaviors, and what I feel okay with and what I don’t, I still don’t want that added temptation around. It would make me really insecure and unhappy. He told me he was attracted to the intern before the last week he worked and I was a wreck the entire time (this was one of the things that caused me to snoop and led to D-day). 

What should I do? Conversely, is there anything I can do to feel okay with this without actually being there? What if they don’t want me to come for the “bonding” weekend? Should we ask? Will the one weekend be enough to get a feel for whether it’s a good environment? What should I look for? We got a new couples counselor and we’re seeing him today, so I’ll make sure I ask him, too.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If your marriage needs this level of intrusiveness in order to prevent inappropriate behaviors, maybe you should not be married, and certainly not to this man in particular.

He is not a child, even though he may have the impulse control of one. He is responsible for his behavior, not you.

Please read your post again except this time substitute a husband in your place and a wife in your husband's place? Can you now see the level of manipulative control exerted to avoid any hint of an affair?

No woman would stand for it, and she shouldn't.

If your anxiety is what is prompting you to consider the above actions, than it is your anxiety you must cope with.

Ask your therapist how you can cope while your husband is in an rich environment of attractive people and the opportunity to act on impulsive attractions.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Is he as untrustworthy as this? If so then end the marriage before it drives you insane. The worry this is causing you is no way to live. The other way to go is tell him to have fun but if he cheats you'll retain the most fierce she-devil man-hating divorce attorney you can find and she'll crush his balls in court.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

This is your H's job. You don't get to dictate whom he works with. The reason for the team building is exactly that, to build the team. They need to go over the plans and bond together so that can create a fun atmosphere for the kids. A lot of organizations do team building, it's a part of the retraining process.

Seems like you are already bored thinking of spending time there. So why go at all? 

Like @Anon Pink stated if you need to be this intrusive in his work life, then you need to rethink where this marriage is headed to.

You can't control his behavior, only your's.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

Yes, he is as untrustworthy as all this. He does things that are unacceptable, like sharing a tent with a female coworker, then says "I didn't know it was wrong" or "I wasn't trying to hurt you." His excuse for sharing the tent with the female coworker was that her things were in the tent and she wasn't, so he put his things down. When he came back later, she was there, but he didn't want to move because that was the only tent close to the stream and the sound helps him sleep. He said it was okay because he wasn't attracted to her and he didn't do it on purpose. This was his first night at camp. When I asked him how it was and what the accommodations were like he said things like "I'm sharing the tent with one other person. The other person isn't here." When I asked if it was someone he knew, because he was friends with a couple of guys before camp started, he said "No, I don't know them." Then he tried to defend himself by saying that he didn't lie to me, and he moved after the first night, though I had to ask him.

I'm actually starting to hate him, and I think divorce would be preferable. I'm just preparing, mentally, emotionally, and financially, because I have a hard time making moves before I feel ready.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Lets see. His job is working with attractive women in the woods on staff bonding and sharing tents with some of them. And his personality renders him fraught with sexual fantasies and wants to do every chick from his intern to his boss. The solution is to get him to change jobs. Getting him to do that ought to be as easy as falling of a log. What red blooded young man wouldn't just hate a job like he has! Like a buddy of mine who was a personal trainer for the Auburn University cheerleaders. You know it was the worst job in town.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rileyawes said:


> Yes, he is as untrustworthy as all this. *He does things that are unacceptable, like sharing a tent with a female coworker, then says "I didn't know it was wrong"* or "I wasn't trying to hurt you." His excuse for sharing the tent with the female coworker was that her things were in the tent and she wasn't, so he put his things down. When he came back later, she was there, but he didn't want to move because that was the only tent close to the stream and the sound helps him sleep. He said it was okay because he wasn't attracted to her and he didn't do it on purpose. This was his first night at camp. When I asked him how it was and what the accommodations were like he said things like "I'm sharing the tent with one other person. The other person isn't here." When I asked if it was someone he knew, because he was friends with a couple of guys before camp started, he said "No, I don't know them." Then he tried to defend himself by saying that he didn't lie to me, and he moved after the first night, though I had to ask him.
> 
> I'm actually starting to hate him, and I think divorce would be preferable. I'm just preparing, mentally, emotionally, and financially, because I have a hard time making moves before I feel ready.


He didn't think it was wrong?  :wtf:

Albert Bleedin' Einstein on a fecking Velocipede! Is he having a laugh at your expense?

Yes, he is. But you can change his joke by adding a new punchline. 

Divorce. 

Then see him laugh out the other side of his face.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

rileyawes said:


> Yes, he is as untrustworthy as all this. He does things that are unacceptable, like sharing a tent with a female coworker, then says "I didn't know it was wrong" or "I wasn't trying to hurt you." His excuse for sharing the tent with the female coworker was that her things were in the tent and she wasn't, so he put his things down. When he came back later, she was there, but he didn't want to move because that was the only tent close to the stream and the sound helps him sleep. He said it was okay because he wasn't attracted to her and he didn't do it on purpose. This was his first night at camp. When I asked him how it was and what the accommodations were like he said things like "I'm sharing the tent with one other person. The other person isn't here." When I asked if it was someone he knew, because he was friends with a couple of guys before camp started, he said "No, I don't know them." Then he tried to defend himself by saying that he didn't lie to me, and he moved after the first night, though I had to ask him.
> 
> *I'm actually starting to hate him, and I think divorce would be preferable. I'm just preparing, mentally, emotionally, and financially, because I have a hard time making moves before I feel ready.*



Put all of your energy into getting ready then. Seriously? A married man who doesn't understand that it isn't cool to share a tent with a female? That is almost funny, except he is treating you as if you are less than smart. Don't allow him to do that. And for God's sake don't have unprotected sex with him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Put all of your energy into getting ready then. Seriously? A married man who doesn't understand that it isn't cool to share a tent with a female? That is almost funny, except he is treating you as if you are less than smart. Don't allow him to do that. And for God's sake don't have unprotected sex with him.


Where in this instance protected sex is the barrier method.

Like so:-


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

Therapist wasn't that helpful. He suggested we compromise like we had planned- so we're with each other every night. I really don't WANT to go, I want to trust him, but he hasn't demonstrated that he is trustworthy. The therapist did say, though, that I should just tell myself "if he's dumb enough to do it again, that's his problem," which is true. My husband would swear up and down that he didn't know it was wrong. I'm his first serious relationship (that was my mistake, obviously) so he hasn't got his practice out. I've f*cked up in relationships before, but I made no excuses and I knew I was wrong. I do know that I have experience that he doesn't, but I don't like feeling like the starter wife. Most likely, I'm going to try to be patient, get my business straight, and gracefully back out of this one.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

rileyawes said:


> I'm actually starting to hate him, and I think divorce would be preferable. I'm just preparing, mentally, emotionally, and financially, because I have a hard time making moves before I feel ready.


In this case do what I suggested above. Go find a she-devil man-hating female divorce attorney. Let her crush his nuts in court.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

While he is gone.....

1... have a nice sunny vacation for yourself at the beach
2... or at a comfy hotel. Even if it is just a day or two. 
3...Surround yourself with your girlfriends....have girls night in at your house. 
4...Start collecting paperwork for your divorce. 
5...get your friends to help you do a home improvement project
6...do things that he hates to do with you (shopping, etc.)
7...read by the pool

Sooooooooooo.....take this time for YOU time. Invest in yourself. Consider it "ME time". You can think about divorce, or think about ways to stay together, or neither.... Don't make a huge deal about going up there and back. Makes you look as pathetic as he sounds.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> While he is gone.....
> 
> 1... have a nice sunny vacation for yourself at the beach
> 2... or at a comfy hotel. Even if it is just a day or two.
> ...


Or put itching powder in his tent...


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I don't know
Why stay in a relationship where you have to sit in a tree and make sure he isn't doing anything wrong. Literally.
There comes a point in the R process where you have to let go and start to...even partially...trust again.
It's hard...I know. I'm there right now. 
The kids and I are headed out of town this weekend and H is joining us Saturday. That means a night by himself. No I haven't put in surveillance cameras, but, I have asked a lot of questions and will probably call at some random point in the night. 
You have to let him live his life. If that includes fooling around again then he obviously doesn't deserve you.
That's just my take. If you have to police him like this what kind of marriage is it for the both of you.


Sent from my iPhone


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Your husband needs IC separate from MC. He has deeped rooted issues of needing validation from others. He probably has low self esteem or a poor self image. 

His lack of LTR experience just adds to this problem. 

Imo he will seek out the woman he finds attractive, physically or emotionally, to be on his team. 

I may be projecting but a lot of what you describe about H applies to me although i am much older. 

Imo given time and the right set of circumstances an EA or PA is possible if not probable. 

Imo this wont change on its own or with MC, get him to IC stat.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

Thanks, y'all, it's all good advice. I might go to the camp for the first weekend, but go somewhere else for a brief vacation the rest of the time. I'll be weighing my options during that time, but I am in IC every two weeks as of right now.

I think he does have low self-esteem and suggested he get an IC. He agreed, but hasn't made any steps toward doing it himself. Since he'll be gone the next three weeks, we'll see if he does it when he gets back.

I am trying to let go, and yeah, it is hard. It just feels like every time I'm feeling kind of okay again, and I'm letting go like 10%, something else comes up and freaks me out again. Dr. Harley of Marriage Builders recommends that spouses never spend nights apart.

He can't choose who is in his group. The last time, he got put in a group with an older woman and a young man. We've talked about him switching if he gets assigned to a group with that particular girl, but I think because of how he is, I'd prefer if he were in groups of three from now on as well. At the same time, I'm kind of throwing up my hands, because if he wants to do something, there's nothing I can do besides being there all the time, and I'm not willing or able to do that.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

The new arrangement was: I would spend the weekend at camp, then go home. He'd spend two nights at a nearby friend's house about 15 minutes from camp, then come home one night, spend the mandatory night at camp, then come home again for the weekend before the next camp starts. I spent the weekend at camp, and for the most part, it was pretty good. Almost everyone was friendly, it was actually kind of fun, and not very boring. The songs and the woo woo nature stuff got kind of annoying, but I tuned it out pretty well. We had a few talks, but there wasn't much privacy. We didn't have any problems until I asked about the other girls he was attracted to and he named four more, besides the intern and his boss. I didn't really get angry, just kind of disgusted and disappointed and sad.

I decided to leave early, and he slept at his friend's house. We're not really talking. He only wants to talk about how hard it is for him and how mad he is that I left, and doesn't really get it. I definitely don't think it's a good environment for a married person to be in- away from their spouse for 5 consecutive nights (they discourage people leaving, but he has so far), half naked all day, none of the women wear bras, and spending a lot of time in bathing suits. I don't care if that's the job, but that's a job for a single person looking to hook up. They're always flirting- throwing pebbles and sticks like little kids. The head counselor said "it's easy to forget there's a world out there" and that's true- and not good. The kids don't even sleep over except one night, and on the nights they don't, apparently it's fairly common for the male and female counselors to share tents. When the kids have overnights, they're separated by gender.

I've asked my husband for a separation, but since we didn't talk much, we haven't hammered out many of the rules. Our original plan is kind of out of the window, except us meeting for couples counseling on Thursday. We agreed to do counseling every week and not to pursue outside relationships. We don't have a defined period of time yet, or rules about communication. My husband is pretty upset about it, but I think if he really thinks about it, he'll be able to see that it makes sense. I feel like he's only upset because he's afraid to be alone.

Oh also, he's in a group with one of the girls he is attracted to, but not his crush. The other is also a woman. He wasn't able to choose his group ahead of time or ask for his old group (I was led to believe it was an older woman, but she's just older than the rest of them. I'd say she's about 28 and a lesbian, and another young man) because they announced it publicly pretty late as his coordinator wasn't present for the first day. He probably won't ever be in a group with his intern-crush. He says "the kids will always be there, what could happen?" but it's a pretty weak justification from someone who already had an EA.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> Put all of your energy into getting ready then. Seriously? A married man who doesn't understand that it isn't cool to share a tent with a female? That is almost funny, except he is treating you as if you are less than smart. Don't allow him to do that. And for God's sake don't have unprotected sex with him.


:iagree:

OP - do yourself a favor and read this post (the above one) one hundred times....

It is spot on!!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

OP....honey....you need to read what you have written.

What would you advise anyone else to do who describes their spouse as you do?

This is BEYOND exhausting and absurd. What more would he need to do to make you realize he is not husband a material? Are you seriously going to spend your life babysitting a grown man???

If you stay, you deserve each other. Stop complaining and worrying about it. By staying you condone and approve of his ridiculousness. 

He can get a doormat cheap on a clearance sale, but he doesn't need another one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You asked for a separation. 

What is the purpose of the separation? Are you getting a divorce?

From what you wrote, it sounds like the separation is just some time apart with no goal and no path forward.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

Thanks??

What exactly do you see as the problem here? My husband doesn't really seem to understand much. Our old counselor wasn't helpful, but framed things a lot as stemming from his immaturity and troubled childhood, and he believed he "really didn't know." The new counselor is better, but does put a lot of focus on CBT, meaning changing the way you react to stuff. He takes my husband at face value about this stuff about 50% so far, which is too much even for me. 

He agreed that my husband "couldn't" quit his job, even though I said he can and could have, but the optimal time for that has now passed. I'm running out of patience. How can I frame this so that it makes sense to the couples counselor? I feel like maybe I'm not saying it clearly enough or something.

Any advice? I don't really have a plan except to remain separated for the next month and try to figure it out from there.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Dude.... 
Really, you must be so exhausted from acting/behaving so oblivious!!! 
Do you know you can't possibly cover the sun with your finger? Not even if you use your entire hand. I feel sorry for you.... I really do...


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Your husbands CRUSH? You asked him who else he finds attractive and he named 4 others? My husband and I have our issues, but if he told me he had a crush on another woman and finds 4 others attractive- I'd slap him across the face. 

It's natural to find the opposite sex attractive and if you have a firm foundation of a relationship, I suppose it's ok to voice you find someone attractive, assuming your marriage us secure like that, but he has a crush? 

Sounds remorseless and crass to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

rileyawes said:


> Thanks??
> 
> What exactly do you see as the problem here? My husband doesn't really seem to understand much. Our old counselor wasn't helpful, but framed things a lot as stemming from his immaturity and troubled childhood, and he believed he "really didn't know." The new counselor is better, but does put a lot of focus on CBT, meaning changing the way you react to stuff. He takes my husband at face value about this stuff about 50% so far, which is too much even for me.
> 
> ...


I think you are afraid to be alone. That's very normal, but if you continue to feed your fears, you'll keep adding more years to this toxic relationship. Your husband sounds mentally unstable, to be honest. Sounds like he has crushes and fantasies on any woman who has a pulse.

But, only you can change this. The counselor can't change it. He can't change it, apparently. No one can change your situation, except for you. If you want to babysit a fully grown man as part of being his wife, then stay. Until you ask yourself and be honest with your answers, as to why you are staying in this, you will continue to keep getting more of the same from your husband. Hope you find the right path forward.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP get a divorce honey. It's only a matter of time before he does something else completely inappropriate. 

He didn't know it was inappropriate to share a tent with a female colleague?? Bahahahahaha! Seriously? My parents married young, each others first serious relationship and they both knew what was appropriate and what wasn't. He!l, in high school I knew not to do that stuff!

If you have to 'police' him, and have him under surveillance 24/7, it will break you. It's exhausting. And the simple fact of the matter is that you can't watch him enough to make sure he won't cheat. If he's going to, he will and there isn't anything you can do to stop him.

Throw him back...seriously.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

LosingHim, I've wanted to slap him many times...according to lots of stuff I've read online, it's even normal to have crushes, but it doesn't feel right to me. 

frusdil, yeah I'm really confused about that. That's how I feel, that it's so completely crazy. None of my exes would have even thought of doing something like that, and they were younger than he is now. The marriage counselor seemed to accept that he didn't know, so I'm just like wtf. It is exhausting. And really, really confusing.

Deirdre, I'm in IC to figure stuff out. I feel really stupid for having made such a huge mistake when I feel like I should have known better. I'm feeling really sad about all of it, too. I don't want to waste a lot of time on it, but my personal goal is to have it all sorted by the time I'm 29, so I can start over by the time I'm 30.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If my wife mentioned *one* person at work she was attracted to I'd tell her good bye and good luck. This guy tells you he is attracted to every single female at work. And you are still with him?

And WTF team building job has you camping coed in the woods for three weeks??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

The team building was the weekend. The camp is M-F with the counselors sleeping over, and the kids staying for one of the nights. The counselors can come home on the weekend, but they usually sleep over Sunday, so they're home Friday and Saturday nights. The team building was just the first weekend back after the break. He's doing this three weeks in a row, and the final week goes an extra day. He was supposed to go every other week, but one of the sessions got cancelled and they added one in the middle of his schedule so it's three in a row.

The tents (since I've finally seen them) are about 8ft by 8ft wooden structures with a tarp or metal roof, and a wooden floor. They look like this which isn't as bad as I thought they'd be, since they're rather large, but, yknow.

To answer your question, I'm still with him _for now._


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

OP - you are sentencing yourself to life as a doormat who will never have this "man's" respect.

Hey - separating and divorcing are tough, but trust me - there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is NOT a train.

My marriage ended a LOT longer into it than yours is, and it hurt, but I never compromised my self, and refused to be walked on. You really need to think about that.

Divorce isn't easy, but it's kind of like getting a shot at the doctor. It stings like hell, but it makes YOU better.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

frusdil said:


> OP get a divorce honey. It's only a matter of time before he does something else completely inappropriate.
> 
> He didn't know it was inappropriate to share a tent with a female colleague?? Bahahahahaha! Seriously? My parents married young, each others first serious relationship and they both knew what was appropriate and what wasn't. He!l, in high school I knew not to do that stuff!
> 
> ...


^^ Good stuff here, OP.

Now LISTEN to it!!!


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