# Open marriage.. Help!



## AnonAnon (Nov 10, 2013)

I think I just need to vent a little and get some advice as I can't speak to any of my friends about this.

On Friday night my husband asked for an open marriage. He says that before he met me he was in a 6 year relationship (even though previously he denied that it was an actual relationship), and then a week later he met me and then we got married 2 years later.
We have only been married since March.

So his reason for wanting an open marriage is that he never got to play the field, so to speak.
He says that it's good for me as I can sleep with women again, as prior to us meeting I had only been with women for a number of years, but with these new arrangements I am not allowed to sleep with men. Apparently if there is something I can get from sleeping with men I should be able to get it from him... So why can't he get what he wants from a woman from me? Well he said that because it's not something missing from our relationship it's just that he never got to do it.

The rules he set down were:
No sleepovers
Always use protection
We stop if anyone doesn't feel comfortable with it anymore
No being out past 10pm
No partners in our house
No telling people we know (forums don't count yeah? Lol)
No men for me
Only sex no emotional attachments
People you see must know you're in an open marriage

I'm not too sure how I feel about it, I did say yes on Saturday after he kept asking what I thought, and to be honest I do miss being with women but I don't want to actually sleep with any while I'm with my husband. 
He already has some women lined up that he has been chatting to and he might even be hooking up with one next weekend.

I kind of feel numb inside, almost like i don't care, but then I feel like my heart has been ripped out at the same time.
How can I say no to him? If I say no then i will have to sit there knowing that he feels like he is missing out on something and that he isn't completely happy. 
And he is happy now, he is smiling and telling me he loves me and he's laughing more and more outgoing than usual, he says he even loves me more.

I feel like I wish he had never married me if he had just wanted to play around in the first place.

My problem now is that I can't stand him touching me, my skin crawls. And when he kisses me I feel empty inside, and i don't know if that will change if we call off the open marriage policy.

I just don't know what to do.


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

Nope. BIIIIIIIIG double standard with the 'no men' thing. Given you dont understand why, cant see it working as it stands right now.

perhaps a sex therapist for the both of you to mediate the discussion?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

AnonAnon said:


> I do miss being with women but I don't want to actually sleep with any while I'm with my husband.
> 
> I kind of feel numb inside, almost like i don't care, but then I feel like my heart has been ripped out at the same time.
> How can I say no to him? If I say no then i will have to sit there knowing that he feels like he is missing out on something and that he isn't completely happy.
> ...


Girl, tell him exactly what you wrote there, your real feelings, I have heard stories like yours before, the man proposes open marriage (or 3somes), the woman does not want but as she don't want to lose him or make him feel that she is forcing him , she don't said it directly, then the open marriage (3some) happens, and the woman suffers alot, and began to detach from his husband, she decides to leave (and some times with someone else) and now the husband is desesperate and regretful to have hurt and broken the boundaries of his marriage.

besides what you wrote there, tell him that you miss women, but you feel totally loyal towards him, that if you (the both of you) break that barrier nobody guarantee that your feelings will not change.

That you know, you will be hurt by sharing him, and that once something like that is done there is no way to undo it.

If he insists, then drop a bomb at him, tell him even if you follow all his rules you are not sure you can follow the one that involves you just seing other women, that once the bond of loyalty is broken you don't know how you will feel about it.

An if in real life someone has hit on you in the past while married (as I am sure it has happened because it happens to all the woman), tell him that once your loyalty towards him is broken you are not sure how you will react when "x" or "y" hits on you the next time.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*What I really think that he's trying to tell you is that he is rejecting marriage in general and greatly feels a need to be single once again!

You're only being kept in the picture because you are his "insurance policy" in the event that he can't procure any "strange." His lurid desires will only serve to widen the chasm between the two of you. Apparently he is more of a self-serving boy rather than a man!

Make an ultimatum for him to change his spots and to provide you with the marked proof of such. If not, just give him the air!*


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

If you are not comfortable with it now...it should not progress to anything.

Hopefully your husband respects the marriage enough to understand that.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

He wants to play around with other women, he wish he was single again . He only wants women for you maybe hoping you can share the same women sometimes. Sorry you are here. Can you divorce him?


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Him not 'playing the field' before getting involved with someone else and getting married was his choice, he wants the best of both worlds for himself now (while denying you the same).


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

"So his reason for wanting an open marriage is that he never got to play the field, so to speak."

Classic cheaters script, he wants to bring home the girl he's been banging.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

So he already was lining up these women to sleep with before he approached you with this idea?

Hell to the nah. That's bull****. Of course he's totally happy - he gets a wife and also gets to screw whoever he likes. 

I woul, at the very least, tell him you get to screw a man for every woman he has. Then tell him you're even more in love with him.

What an a-holio.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So do you know the other womans name yet?

Start going James Bond on his butt and get as much intel as you can gather before confronting him about his affair.

Or maybe he is on the up and up....your dumb @ss husband doesn;t know that you will get more action then he ever will ( if you wanted it).

And your brillant husband doesn't understand the connection needed for *some* women to screw another guy.

I regress if you do investigate his @ss and he is on the up and up then you have to commned his honesty...but lets not go there until you do your own research...OK?

I'm pretty sure hes already got some one on the hook, but who am I to say, I really haven't been on this forum for that long.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

AnonAnon said:


> My problem now is that I can't stand him touching me, my skin crawls. And when he kisses me I feel empty inside, and i don't know if that will change if we call off the open marriage policy.
> 
> Tell him that. Let him know that when you married him it was supposed to be the two of you. Not a gaggle of women for him and you. You should be pissed off and I wouldn't blame you. His selfish desires are outweighing his commitment to you and your marriage.
> 
> ...


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## Kaci (Mar 11, 2013)

Tell him, not fair. If you can only sleep with women than he only sleep with men.

But really, if my husband suggested an open marriage, I'd high-tail it to a MC.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Tell him your rules... No women and no open marriage.

Your setting yourself for failure if you go through with it. You h is one very selfish individual.

Personally, I'd pack my bags and file divorce if my h ever requested anything remotely to this. Don't be surprised if your husband has, is, or will cheat on you. This is his way of justifying sleeping with other women.:/.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I don't get it?

If you are restricted to same sex partners, why isn't he also? Conversely, if he can bed opposite sex partners, why can't you?


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## Rev. Clonn (Nov 11, 2013)

Somebody wants cake and to eat it too. You are a woman you are entitled to change your mind. so tell him, "I changed my mind NO, no other women for either of us unless you are paying alimony to me"


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

This isn't right. He does not get to dictate terms or even make this choice without your consent. This is NOT an open marriage/relationship if you do not consent - it's just cheating, only not hidden and in-your-face arrogance.

What you do is file for divorce, and decide whether or not to go through with it based on his response and how you feel about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you don’t know how to tell your husband how you feel about this, write it in a letter and give him the letter. Going from your post, here is a suggested letter.

Dear H,

Your suggestion for an open marriage is completely unacceptable to me. I only said yes when you first suggested it because I was in shock and horrified, like a dear is the head lights. There is no way that I can accept an open marriage or your self-serving “rules”.

I married you to be in a monogamous marriage. That is what you promised me. If you cannot live up to your promise then we need to divorce. You obviously do not want to be married.

Since you say that you already have a woman lined up to cheat with, it’s clear that you have been engaged in an affair and are not trying to ‘legitimize it’.

I am appalled at how happy and attentive you have been since you thought I would go along with you cheating. 

I can't stand it now when you touch me, my skin crawls. And when you kiss me I feel empty inside.

If you insist on an open marriage, your marriage is over. Please pack your things and move out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LdyVenus said:


> you dated for a couple of weeks, have been married less than a year, and there are no kids. Just walk away...





AnonAnon said:


> he met me and then we got married *2 years later*.
> 
> We have only been married since March.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

MissScarlett said:


> What an a-holio.


:iagree:

This .......yes this right here about sums it all up.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Anon,

I think its clear your marriage will not last. Its not that some people can't do open marriages. I am sure some people can. I think just from some of the things you have said this is not going to work for you. The other serious red flag for me is He already had other women lined up for this? So he is and has carried on a EA with other woman prior to you agreeing to this. Just how did he tell them he wanted to have sex with them and not disrespect you and the marriage. 

This is how I would deal with it. Before he comes home from work have a bag packed for him with enough clothes to last him a week or two. Tell him you have had a change of heart about the Open Marriage. If he still wants it there is the door and a bag to get him by until he can arrange to get the rest of his things. If he wanted to play the field he should not have married. 

Don't get me wrong but he sounds like a complete Jerk.

I hope you are able to get this resolved. Just reading this horrified me. If my wife asked for this I would wish her luck and head her toward the door. 

Clay


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Single women don't usually say yes to having no-strings-attached-flings with a couple in an "open" marriage, so if he already has a specific girl in mind, he's up to no good. And the fact that he wants to do it alone without you is also a bad sign. No good will come of it.

Tell him if you can't have opposite sex flings, neither can he...so he better learn to like the taste of sperm.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I am sure there are people for whom a mutually agreed upon, honest and fair, open marriage actually works. But that is not what your husband is proposing. 

He's so happy and attentive and "in love" with you now because you've agreed to him shagging the chick he's having the affair with. He no longer has to feel guilty about it - because you agreed to it. He no longer has to expend effort in hiding his affair(s) from you - because you agreed to it. 

What selfish, cheating, asshat wouldn't love to have the little woman at home providing maid and laundry service as well as the occasional fall back shag, while also getting to live life as a single man on the prowl?


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

mablenc said:


> "So his reason for wanting an open marriage is that he never got to play the field, so to speak."
> 
> Classic cheaters script, he wants to bring home the girl he's been banging.


Or he wants her to bring the girls home since she can't have other men.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

And here we are with another one-and-done drive by posting of a particularly inflammatory nature. 

Where you at, Ashton?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I am sure there are people for whom a mutually agreed upon, honest and fair, open marriage actually works. But that is not what your husband is proposing.
> 
> He's so happy and attentive and "in love" with you now because you've agreed to him shagging the chick he's having the affair with. He no longer has to feel guilty about it - because you agreed to it. He no longer has to expend effort in hiding his affair(s) from you - because you agreed to it.
> 
> What selfish, cheating, asshat wouldn't love to have the little woman at home providing maid and laundry service as well as the occasional fall back shag, while also getting to live life as a single man on the prowl?


I did want to say. I don't want to bash the husband as it is "blame the man", but in this case dude is very wrong.

He outlined a cake eating schedule and attempting to obtain her full approval. He gets to eat cake, and she gets to support it. Not good.

It really is a completely selfish and entitled viewpoint.

Not much different than the women who think their going to get their "wallet" ( provider ) loving and loyal husband to take care of them, while they gallavant with men who care nothing about her, many completely in opposition of her husbands lifestyle and cuckholds him.


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## AnonAnon (Nov 10, 2013)

Thank you all for your replies, it really has helped.
I know that he didn't have the woman lined up before he spoke to me about the open marriage because I was there when they met, it just happened that it was the day after we spoke about this.
And he doesn't want to bring a woman home because I can't have sex with a man and a woman together, it feels wrong to me.

I haven't told him I have an issue with it yet, but yesterday i was too depressed to talk to him about so I stayed in bed all night while he chatted girls up on the internet.

I have thought about leaving as well, but I just imagine how many people that will disappoint and i cant seem to do it.

I guess after thinking about it a lot yesterday my main concern and why I'm so upset is because I don't care.
I don't care if he falls in love or screws someone else, I don't care if my marriage breaks down, and I don't care if I never speak to him again.
What I do care about is his family and my family, I just know it will hurt so many people and that frightens me.

He's been such a good partner up until now, I guess I'm stillnin shock.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

AnonAnon said:


> Thank you all for your replies, it really has helped.
> I know that he didn't have the woman lined up before he spoke to me about the open marriage because I was there when they met, it just happened that it was the day after we spoke about this.
> And he doesn't want to bring a woman home because I can't have sex with a man and a woman together, it feels wrong to me.
> 
> ...


 WRONG! Stop caring about what everybody else says or thinks. He created this problem, you didn't. If anything start caring about yourself. let the guy have it with both barrels for being such an ass. He's selfish and doesn't care about anything but himself. You included.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Is he aware that he is causing you so much pain? Although you say you don't care you were too depressed to get out of bed. 

I'm pretty sure all those people you are afraid of disappointing would not condone you staying in a situation where your husband is dating other women. How is this situation your doing?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

AnonAnon said:


> I think I just need to vent a little and get some advice as I can't speak to any of my friends about this.
> 
> On Friday night my husband asked for an open marriage. He says that before he met me he was in a 6 year relationship (even though previously he denied that it was an actual relationship), and then a week later he met me and then we got married 2 years later.
> We have only been married since March.
> ...



Don't do it. He married you and that means being faithful, and only to you.

By him wanting an open marriage, isn't really a marriage anymore. It's a casual dating relationship. 

So many posts here of a married couple, MMF, FFM and it ends badly. Learn from them and don't do it.

If your hubby won't back down, then tell him to his face, I am not a *****, I married you and why did you marry me then? I want a divorce if you don't drop this fantasy!!!

This hubby of yours just wants an excuse to sleep with other women. Of course you can too....right??? Give me a break. It's breaking your marriage vows.

This is another example of a guy, not mature enough or mentally ready, to settle down and with one woman. Divorce him!!!


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## AnonAnon (Nov 10, 2013)

Well just a quick update.. If you can call it that.. Tonight we haven't really spoken to each other, which is not normal.

And not even any hugs or kisses when he got home.

I don't know whether or not to ask why he is not talking, or just wait.

Either way it feels like my marriage is over already :-(


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't understand why you say you don't care. You seem extremely hurt. So why don't you just tell him? He's acting like an immature git. Snap them out of it with some cold reality. 

I understand that you're depressed but fight for your relationship. Rolling over and letting him do what he wants while he destroys your family is not exactly a responsible reaction from you. Woman up and deal with what is in front of you.

My guess is that he's already screwed someone, just not the woman that you know about. 

Seriously don't understand why you haven't gone postal on him.

It is your marriage and your life. Tell his family what their brilliant son has in mind. That will wake him up. 

And then get him to take an STD test and a poly.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The previous posters have given good advice. You need to communicate with your husband. It seems you have a problem in that area of your marriage.
It is also highly probable that he is checking out (cheating ) on you.
It is your responsibility to communicate your feelings to your husband.
It sounds like his desire to sleep around on you has destroyed your feelings for him already and you are simply staying for the wrong reasons. Be honest and let him know that he has severely damaged your marriage, possibly beyond repair.
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Maybe quitting is just easier. You are depressed and that makes it difficult to function. But i guarantee you will have years of regret over inaction. 

Either divorce him so fast he doesn't know what hit him the same way he blind sided you with this or expose the heck out of him and attempt to save your marriage, or at least your self esteem. Letting your husband cheat without a response of strength will harm people's perception of you and well impact your future no matter how much people empathize at first. 

Get out of bed and back into the game. You will win it. He will feel like an idiot. And justifiably so. 

You can do this. Watching him deal with the fallout will help you heal.

And it might just same him from a huge mistake. 

He doesn't think divorce is on the table. The smile will fade when he understand the ramifications. 

No cheating. No chatting. No flirting. All passwordsshared. No personal accounts. And alie detector test to find out if he had already cheated and is trying to cover it up. 

Do some background work on the cell Bill and credit cards and email. Look for condoms. Most cheaters fail to use protection the first time. So an STD test is necessary. If he acuses you of not trusting him look at him like he is crazy. Duh. Of course not. 

You don't need to negotiate or have long chats about any of this. Your way or the highway. He chooses his path forward with full knowledge that the big D is looming. 

But do NOT tell him about exposure. That is your ace. Failing to use it if necessary will lead to regret. That plays out time and again around TAM.


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## Kaci (Mar 11, 2013)

You worry about hurting his/your family? If you stay with him you'll have children that you'll be worrying about. Do you really want that? Get out, go home, you'll feel better around family. They'll help you sort this out.

And really, if your best friend was going through this you'd tell her to leave the jerk. Be your own best friend and go home to family and friends.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

Anon, it's pretty clear that you _do_ care. You are very hurt by your husband's behavior. What he has proposed is _not_ an open marriage. It is a way for him to cheat on you without having to feel guilty for it. You are allowing him to cheat in front of your eyes. 

Getting a bit of strange is obviously more important to him than your emotional well-being. Wake up. He is an a55hole. The way I see it, you won't be able to trust him ever again because you'll be paranoid that he's screwing other people behind your back even if you don't agree to his terms. You have nothing to gain from remaining in a marriage with this man. Nothing.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Of course you despise him. That should be your natural reaction. When a husband asks permission to cheat on his wife; that's what should be expected. The only thing separating him from most cheaters is that he obviously thinks he can manipulate you into accepting it. He's not only insulting your intelligence, but your morals.

This is a divorce inducing act, hardly less acceptable than if you caught him cheating behind your back. And it's easy to predict he will, if you don't agree to his asinine request.

My advice to you would be the same as to any other betrayed spouse. He needs to receive consequences for this if you want to consider staying with him. This would include some time away from him, implementing the 180 to help you detach and starting the divorce process. 

If he accepts those consequences and demonstrates consistent remorse; then you have a starting point to attempt to work things out. If he doesn't turn around, then stay on track with the D and find a husband that can honor his wedding vows.

Also, you might want to consider asking the mods to move your thread to the Coping with Infidelity section. This is more about unfaithfulness than sex.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

AnonAnon said:


> Well just a quick update.. If you can call it that.. Tonight we haven't really spoken to each other, which is not normal.
> 
> And not even any hugs or kisses when he got home.
> 
> ...


Annon the problem that I see here is that you have not expressed your real feelings at all with him.

- you have not told him that you are against the open marriage. 
- you have not told him that you are feeling like you are detaching since he suggested it.
- you have not told him how hurt you are by seing him talking with other women on the net.
- you have not told him how you felt last night. 
- now you are talking about the marriage being over, but you have not expressed it yet to him.

How is he supposed to fix something if you told him in the begining that you were okey with the open marriage and now you are even planning leaving him.


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## AnonAnon (Nov 10, 2013)

A couple of nights ago I did talk to him, I said all my issues and he said he wish I'd told him sooner. Everything seemed fine.

Then last night he tried to get me to talk about letting him do it.
I was pretty hurt that he brought it up again after I'd already told him how upset it made me.

He says he won't do anything at the expense of losing me, but then why does he keep bringing it up?

Thank you all again.


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

You must not have any respect for yourself to stay with a guy like that. If he truly loved you, you would be all he needs. Guys pull this crap all the time because basically all it is is a ply to get permission to cheat on you. 

He can screw other girls but you can't touch other guys?? 

Hell with that!!!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

AnonAnon said:


> A couple of nights ago I did talk to him, I said all my issues and he said he wish I'd told him sooner. Everything seemed fine.
> 
> Then last night he tried to get me to talk about letting him do it.
> I was pretty hurt that he brought it up again after I'd already told him how upset it made me.
> ...


 Because he's still thinking only about himself and by continuing to brow beat you, he's hoping that you finally cave in and go along with the program.

Look. You got two choices. Either stay and suffer with the indignities or tell him to go to hell and leave. Simple as that so time to put your big girl pants on and stand up for yourself. If not, honestly, you'll lose.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Jambri said:


> You must not have any respect for yourself to stay with a guy like that. If he truly loved you, you would be all he needs. Guys pull this crap all the time because basically all it is is a ply to get permission to cheat on you.


Oh my God, this comment could not be more wrong and be more unhealthy for your situation, I am guessing this is a woman with a disney love view of the world, or someone young and relatively inexperienced in relationships.

first of all, he does respect your marriage, you know why, because cheating is easy, is so easy that now days you no longer need to go outside and look for someone, you can do it from home in your computer in web pages like ****** maddison.

Second, please be aware that not just perverts or people with strange tendencies bring this kind of arregments at least as discussion on the marriage (this also include 3somes), many people now days have had 3somes (open marriages is more complicated).

Now as man let me tell you something, you made a question at the begining of the yout thread, quote:

*"Apparently if there is something I can get from sleeping with men I should be able to get it from him... So why can't he get what he wants from a woman from me?"*

the answer is easy. He can, he just want his cake and eat it, you see, we men (and I am talking just for men, I don't know if women are also like this) even if we are in love and honestly happy with our partner, we still see other women and think "wow nice a*s, nice bo*bs, nice face, I sure will like to nail that" yes we still think that even if we are totally in love with our chicks, for men is much more easy to seperate sex and feelings. So why don't all men cheat if all feel like this, easy, because we don't want to hurt and lose the woman we love. 

I am going to tell you something about myself which I am not proud of (No I have never cheated In my 31 years of life).

In my younger and wildest days (almost all my 20's) I got to play the field alot, but most of it was just physical, once done I wanted the woman besides me to dissapear, I didn't want to talk to them, to cuddle or to know anythig about their lives, sometimes I didn't even want to reamain there once the act was done (since young I have trust issues with women), until 3 years ago I had never really opened with a woman before, but now even if sometimes I am tempted (I still have the numbers and contacts of old buddy calls) I will not do it, I respect my GF and I know that if I cheat and she catch me is over.



Jambri said:


> He can screw other girls but you can't touch other guys??


Yes this is unfair, is part of his cake eating rules to ensure that everything remain physical:

*No sleepovers
No being out past 10pm
No men for me
Only sex no emotional attachments
People you see must know you're in an open marriage*

this rules are designed for you, not for him, he want to ensure that even if you both have sex out the marriage you don't fall for someone else.

he thinks he can control the outcome and the situation, he is not seriously realizing that this can damage your marriage in a irraparable way.

I think he does love you, but he is being selfish thinking he can have the best of two worlds (the emotional support and fulfillment you got for being married to someone you love, and the adventages of being single).

I Advise you to stand your ground and make him undestand how serious is this for you, you can even bring de D word to the equation for him to realize how this can damage the marriage.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

AnonAnon said:


> Then last night he tried to get me to talk about letting him do it.
> I was pretty hurt that he brought it up again after I'd already told him how upset it made me.
> 
> He says he won't do anything at the expense of losing me, but then why does he keep bringing it up?


He continues to bring it up because he is selfish and does not care about your emotional wellbeing. You have two choices: 1.) Have an "open marriage" with your husband (which in this case is really just him cheating in front of your face) or 2.) Leave him, so that he is free to pursue all of the random, meaningless sex his heart desires.

I won't even suggest setting a hard boundary, such as "No, I will not agree to this. This is the last time we are having this conversation," because he is obviously not inclined to take it into consideration.


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## AnonAnon (Nov 10, 2013)

Well we had another awkward silence night tonight, so I kept trying to talk to him.

I figured I loved this man and I wasn't going to give up.
He didn't want to talk and so I asked if he wanted me to go to my parents house for a few days.
He didn't say anything so I took that as a yes, then he said maybe we did need a break.

I asked him if he was going to sleep with other women during this break and he said he didn't know. 

So tomorrow morning I'm off to my parents house. 

He hugged me and said he loved me, but I can't love him anymore.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I asked him if he was going to sleep with other women during this break and he said he didn't know. 

Ouch so sorry Anon.

Sounds like some separation is best at this point.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So he says he loves you and would not do any thing to hurt you or lose you. But then he does things to hurt you and lose you. His actions speak louder than his words.

I'm sorry to say it, but it looks like your marriage is over.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I would go back today and have HIM leave the home. You don't deserve to be displaced. I'm so sorry, but I think you deserve better than this guy.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm so sorry to hear this, Anon. 

He doesn't know if he'll sleep with someone else in the next few days or not. Way to go, Anon's husband. Wow. 

Hugs to you, Anon.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

AnonAnon said:


> He hugged me and said he loved me, but *I can't love him anymore.*


This says it all, then, doesn't it?


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## AnonAnon (Nov 10, 2013)

Hi all ... Thanks everyone for your advice in this matter.

I thought I would give an update, we're calling it quits.

Married and separated in the same year, fail!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It's not your fail. A man who marries and then asks for open marriage failed. He failed you!

Divorce is the right thing to do because this guy is not marriage material!

Best of luck to you!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear this, AnonAnon. I can't help but wish his adventures back in the single world won't meet his expectations because he's made this choice in your marriage.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

AnonAnon said:


> Hi all ... Thanks everyone for your advice in this matter.
> 
> I thought I would give an update, we're calling it quits.
> 
> Married and separated in the same year, fail!


Actually, for shedding yourself of this sorry excuse for a husband: Success!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

It's starting to sound more and more like he is already done it. 

I'm not really sure why you would ask him if he is going to sleep with other women on your break. You're still married. 

Asking to take a lie detector test to prove that he hasn't already slept with someone else. I think his response will tell you a lot.

Sadly I also suggest you get an STD test. 

He's a selfish prick. Right now he's trying to blackmail you into letting him do what he wants. But since I think he's probably already done it he's looking for a get out of jail free card.

If you go to the lie detector route and actually follow through be sure to ask two questions 1 did he have sex with anyone else and define clearly what sex is, before the break and two during the break. 

I'm only suggesting a lie detector test so that you can tell if he's already done it. For the most part I think your marriage is over and you the best to see a lawyer immediately. I'm really sorry that he's done this to you. I would go home and ask him to leave if he doesn't submit to the lie detector test and then divorce him even if he goes through with it. He doesn't want marriage. 

And by the way I remember disclosure is your friend. Tell his parents tell your parents tell everybody who is a friend of the marriage.

Some people don't recommends exposure if you plan to divorce because it can cause the spouse to fight during the divorce. I I think the embarrassment that he will suffer in this case will cause him to be more likely to be compliant during a divorce. Not that you have said you are ready for D.

Go through his phone records, etc as I suggested previously. 

Good on you for telling him how you feel. I'm sorry he is the way he is. Protect yourself. 

I wonder if he realizes that you would have 10 or more opportunities for every one of his. He is truly clueless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

By the way in future never take someone's silence as an answer. The other person needs to speak the words. In this case your husband could say that you left him. He never told you to go. 

Even if you can accurately read his mind as I think you probably can in this situation, do not act on that knowledge . Use any insight into him to protect yourself or to plan what do not give him any satisfaction by doing what you think he wants you to do without him stating it clearly. Even better talk in writing so that you have it down in writing. 

This is advice for everyone by the way. When it comes to smarmy things like this you have to think like a lawyer. Words matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marshmallow (Oct 15, 2013)

I kind of feel like this should have been discussed before you got married, and he's kind of a prick for not bringing this up prior to marrying you. Would you have married him if you'd known he'd wanted your marriage to be an open one?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

People change. He did and something/someone set it off in him. 

Manticore, I don't think it is a fairy tale view of love to believe that a single person should be enough to satisfy another. 

Being tempted happens. Wanting to act on it is selfish. I was tempted beyond tempted last week. OMG was I tempted. I didn't act on it and I told my husband who was not at all happy about it. I took my ring off and he was confused until I handed it to him and put my finger out so he could place it back where it belongs. 

My symbolic gesture was to recommit to him. You'd be surprised at how that righted my brain. My husband is enough to satisfy me. The temptation wasn't about what he didn't do for me. 

I also think that you having those numbers is pretty telling that you are likely to cheat. 

Does your GF know about them? 

I think if you value your relationship those numbers should go and you should share with her your weaknesses. Relationships help us in a lot of ways if we let them. It isn't your past that bothers me as much as it is the fact that you haven't changed your behavior. You believe you have since you aren't cheating but you haven't since you are acting on your desire to preserve the opportunity to cheat. 

Not acting is an action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

AnonAnon said:


> Hi all ... Thanks everyone for your advice in this matter.
> 
> I thought I would give an update, we're calling it quits.
> 
> Married and separated in the same year, fail!


Who's fail? It certainly isn't YOURS. Who marries someone then asks to have a 3some in the first year? He gets more women and you get no men? Seriously???

This dude is a top notch scumbag! Congratulations for ridding yourself of this parasite!!


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

Little confused...you say in your first post that you been married for two years. Yet It reads you've only been married since March. Was this a error??? 

My advice would be to end your marriage NOW then later. His open marriage sounds like he looking to cheat openly on you. Marriage is for TWO PEOPLE and two people only. 
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24) is the understanding Adam has of God's purpose for this new relationship he's entered. This union is expressed uniquely during sexual intercourse when two bodies are joined together. The relationship is based on closeness...intimacy...TWO people. 

Tell him...You'll pray for him. See you around. Pack you stuff. There is NO MARRIAGE. hugs to you. YOU DESERVE BETTER


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## Happyswingers (Nov 22, 2013)

My wife and I are swingers, happily together for over 20 years, swinging for 13, thanks, and I can tell you this is a horrible arrangement. 

The difference between a lot of alternate lifestyle arrangements is if they are a "together" thing or a alone thing. 

Open marriages are an alone thing. It takes both members of a couple 100% on board with the idea, and completely open with each other for it to work. Even then its dicey. I'm a long time member of a swingers message board and these sort of threads come up from time to time and always end in tears. 

The fact he limits you to women only just means he wants to get laid on his own and can't handle you with a man. 

This would be a horrible idea. If he insists on it, get ready to bail.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

You didn't say whether or not you are having sex with your husband. My wife and I stopped having sex soon after we married and I approached her about having an open marriage and she refused and because of that refusal neither of us has had sex since and that was 20 years ago. So I'd think long and hard about saying no....you could be dooming yourself to a life without sex.


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## Happyswingers (Nov 22, 2013)

Mr B said:


> You didn't say whether or not you are having sex with your husband. My wife and I stopped having sex soon after we married and I approached her about having an open marriage and she refused and because of that refusal neither of us has had sex since and that was 20 years ago. So I'd think long and hard about saying no....you could be dooming yourself to a life without sex.


:scratchhead:

Why are you still married?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Happyswingers said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Why are you still married?


Probably stubbornness and pride
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Happyswingers said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Why are you still married?


Kids....they are my only living relatives and I want to live under the same roof as them.

I've got a question for you. I tried joining a few swingers clubs in my area but they wouldn't let me in even though I was married. They all allowed both single women and married women in without partners in but just because my wife wasn't interested I was barred at the door. Not really fair I'd say.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Mr B said:


> Kids....they are my only living relatives and I want to live under the same roof as them.
> 
> I've got a question for you. I tried joining a few swingers clubs in my area but they wouldn't let me in even though I was married. They all allowed both single women and married women in without partners in but just because my wife wasn't interested I was barred at the door. Not really fair I'd say.


Some clubs have particular nights where single guys are allowed. Check into that idea. 

Personally, as someone who has gone to sex clubs with a partner, I'm fine without the sausage party that would occur if single guys were allowed all the time. It would be like showing up to a New Year's Eve party with no booze, expecting to mooch off of everyone else. 

And single women are allowed because female bi/**** sexuality is much more acceptable than male. Don't like it? Find a gay sex club. Or get a sex change. Them's the breaks. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

PBear said:


> Some clubs have particular nights where single guys are allowed. Check into that idea.
> 
> Personally, as someone who has gone to sex clubs with a partner, I'm fine without the sausage party that would occur if single guys were allowed all the time. It would be like showing up to a New Year's Eve party with no booze, expecting to mooch off of everyone else.
> 
> ...


Yeah it's true. s*l*u*t*t*y women have always had it easier than s*l*u*t*t*y guys.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Mr. B.

You are electing to stay married. Does your wife know you tried to get into a swingers club? 

If I had to say yes to an open marriage to have sex I would have a public divorce. 

Why can't you're kids live with you? Even half time being able to have an honest life and a relationship with someone who wants you would be better than 20 years without sex. You don't even know if you can function with a real woman after all this time and presumably tons of masturbation and maybe a lot of porn.

Kids grow up and move on. They would certainly understand. And since it has been 20 years your youngest is already an adult. 

It is your life but I really feel you are making a mistake.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

We didn't seek the fertility treatments until we had been married for 6 years.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Aha. Got it. 

What is timeline? Stop sex shortly after marriage but have fertility treatment to have kids? So you are saying you have been married for 26+ years? 

It really doesn't matter. A 13 year old can live with their dad as easily as live with mom.

Have you approached your wife about a divorce?

Regardless of all that, the woman in this thread's situation was/is nothing like yours unless your wife said you had to do something you refused to do if you wanted sex with her. 

_----------

So how are things AnonAnon?

Did you expose?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Mr B said:


> We didn't seek the fertility treatments until we had been married for 6 years.


Mr B, 

You puzzled me... you didn't have sex but had fertility treatment? 

Without having sex it is difficult to get pregnant or even diagnose infertility - at least that was my experience ....


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Since you can't sleep with other men, tell him the only way you will agree to it is he can only sleep with other men. 

He is setting a double standard you can't sleep with other men, I don't see any fairness in that whatsoever.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Aerith said:


> Mr B,
> 
> You puzzled me... you didn't have sex but had fertility treatment?
> 
> Without having sex it is difficult to get pregnant or even diagnose infertility - at least that was my experience ....


I couldn't perform with my wife due to a lack of sexual attraction so we simply used another method besides intercourse to get her pregnant.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Mr B said:


> I couldn't perform with my wife due to a lack of sexual attraction so we simply used another method besides intercourse to get her pregnant.


Mr B. So you have a lack of attraction to her?

I thought your situation was one where you where shut out, and it's been some years and your drive diminished over time, because you where too prideful to tell her to "put out or get out".


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

treyvion said:


> Mr B. So you have a lack of attraction to her?
> 
> I thought your situation was one where you where shut out, and it's been some years and your drive diminished over time, because you where too prideful to tell her to "put out or get out".


No way!!! I wish! No if anything I'm hornier now than I was at 20 because it's been so long. Yeah marriage killed my sex life for sure.
Big mistake but I wanted kids and a family so I got married.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Sad thread to read. It's one of those things where you read the first message and say "Oh, this is the first in a series where we watch the marriage fall apart post by post." 

Sorry to hear of your troubles.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

sh987 said:


> Sorry to hear of your troubles.


Thank you. In all the many years I've been posting on this site, talking about my situation, you are the only person who has ever said that.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Mr B said:


> Thank you. In all the many years I've been posting on this site, talking about my situation, you are the only person who has ever said that.


Ouch. I guess I've not really noticed if people share that sentiment, but I think it's the least we can do. No matter what has brought anybody here, if they have trouble or pain in their life, it's fair to acknowledge it and pass along empathy.

Good luck to you.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Thanks. If someone had told me when I was in my 20's enjoying plentiful sex with a variety of women that I would spend the last half of my life celibate I would have laughed in their face. If only my wife had agreed to an open marriage back at the beginning we both would have been able to be sexually happy and satisfied instead of having to masturbate all these years for relief.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

AnonAnon said:


> On Friday night my husband asked for an open marriage.
> 
> *No men for me*
> .


Simple, just say ok, but *NO WOMEN FOR YOU *either.

:rofl:

see if he is still psyched.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Zombie thread


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