# I am a mess please HELP!!



## jamie (Sep 30, 2008)

Let me start by telling you my main problem, my husband was cheating on me. We met 8 years ago at work. I had a steady boyfriend at the time that I had already have Gavin up on and I know is wrong but was looking for a replacement. I was being a bad girl and was basically doing things with men I shouldn't have been doing. My husband came into my life and I ended it with my ex. We fell deeply in love. We always had problems, he always thought I was cheating. I fought many battles to keep him in my life. We were young I was 21 and he was 19. He had no experience before me, where I wish I could say the same. He never believed me about wanting him, he always thought he was no good at pleasing me when in reality he was the best I ever had. Three months into our relationship I was pregnant with our first daughter. Before our daughter was born we bought our first house. Things got worse for me after the baby came I had post partum stress and was always tired. Our sex slowed to twice to three times a week. He worked 2nd shift and would come home at night and try to wake me for some sex every night around 3-5am. I would fight every time but always give in. couple years later I found myself pregnant again. While I was pregnant with her we bought a second house for rental property. After our second daughter came I again was tired and becoming a closed off person. Our sex slowed to maybe twice a week. I did not want any other children, but three more years later and out came our son. A child I tell people that if he came first He would have been an only child. There is no time for a relationship when we have three children in a two bedroom house. We moved our bed into the living room and now we had no door and no alone time. We had sex once every other week. We are currently so far in debt he got a second job. He met a girl there. I knew of her and should have stopped it a while ago. She knew he was married with three children, and of course this wasn't the first time she went after a married man.She was always telling him how hot he was and I know he liked it because he would tell me (to get me jealous) all the signs were there but I didn't want to admit it. He always wanted to have a three some so on top of seeing this girl he found a bisexual who he made fall in love with him so he could have this three some, not with me but the other two. Well his plan was foiled because the first girl started to see someone new. He was so jealous. He told me that to be with him it is with him and no one else. The first girl did catch him making out with the second girl and I think she got mad and that is why he and her broke it off. I don't think he was going to tell me, I'm not sure on why he did. I WAS DEVASTATED! I slashed my wrist just to see how easy it would be(so stupid I know). At first he wasn't sure on if he wanted to stay. He wants to get out of debt, and he wants to be with the children. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but there is no reassurance on his part to if he will do it again. He says if a female puts it into his face he doesn't know if he can turn it down. He also doesn't want live in a prison. I know it is impossible for him to quit that job where he sees her almost everyday. We would lose everything. What do I do? Since this happened just last week I have felt 100% more sexual and find myself doing things I never would have done. He wants to know why but I don't have a reason, I just feel horney. He also has this idea of having a woman move in with us kinda like Big Love, HE IS CRAZY!!!! I'm a mess and would like to talk to someone, I have no friends only his sisters and I only told the one. This was a huge shocker to her. It almost sounds like a movie but in a movie the woman would have kicked some butt or packed her stuff. I have no car no job and no where to live. I want to work this out, he says he does to but with no reassurance from him I'm scared he will do it again. I have made it clear that this can not happen again, I will not be walked on ever again by any one. He wants to change the cell phone number so that he is not tempted to call them again. Should we? Please help there is so much more to talk about but I'll stop my rant at this. Any input is greatly appreciated. Thanks!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

jamie said:


> I slashed my wrist just to see how easy it would be(so stupid I know).


Hi Jamie,

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please seek out professional help & tell someone close to you (your sister in law, etc.) This goes beyond what anyone in here can help you with.

Wow, your story is difficult to hear on many levels. First, I wonder why you bring up your past sexual experience? I hope you do not somehow justify your husband's actions because you had a past sexual history and he didn't. You should not feel less of yourself because of that, most people have a past and from what I gather, you have been a faithful wife.

What bothers me most is what seems to be his lack of respect for your feelings. Not that I think he should have kept this a secret, but didn't he have a clue how hurt you would be? And once he saw that, he goes on to say it could happen again and he wants to bring another woman into your bed? What?!

I can understand from your end of this with no car, no job, no where to go that you feel you have no choice but to stay, but it sounds like he is feeling the same way so in my opinion now is the time to seriously talk about boundaries within your marriage. If it were me, I'd seriously start creating my own independence, if possible...take in a child for extra $$ or whatever to not feel so dependent on him.

As far as wanting sex all the time, you are not alone there...I think it's normal to feel that way when you fear losing someone you love...don't know why but I've been there and read others in here say the same thing.

What did his sister say? Did she give you advice or tell you what she would do in your position?


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## jamie (Sep 30, 2008)

swedish said:


> .
> 
> What did his sister say? Did she give you advice or tell you what she would do in your position?


She knows that he is mentally unstable and she is even nervous on what to say to him because he is capable of never talking to you again with no worries. You must walk on egg shells around him always. He sounds so terrible when I read this back, but he is such a good man . This is so out of character for him, I think? I don't know nor does she know how someone can do that. She says that he is a very needy person that needs to hear all of the time how great he is. That I was not doing that enough to make him feel wanted. 
After he told me, he was expecting me to say that I cheated on him and he was so shocked when I couldn't. Thats how sure he thought he was that I cheated too.
I wanted to watch kids for $ and I planed on it but on one wants to bring their kid here when my husband is sleeping all day in the living room. 
We are remodeling the attic and will have 4 bedrooms so I have to wait for that. He has halted all work up there, because I am not helping, so he says. I have arthritis in my back and the last time I helped I couldn't walk for three days. He says I complain so much that I have to be making it up. He has no compassion for anyones feelings and never did. He will say what ever he wants no mater what the repercussions are. 
I just feel so AUUUGH!!
I do love him and he loves me, I want to make it work but what do I do to make him I guess fall back in love with me. I have dropped allot of walls and barriers to find my old self, the fun side but I would like to know what else I can do.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Stay on here and talk to us, and don't you dare let me hear you say you're trying to kill yourself over a man again.. DO YOU HEAR ME?


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## jamie (Sep 30, 2008)

Honey said:


> Stay on here and talk to us, and don't you dare let me hear you say you're trying to kill yourself over a man again.. DO YOU HEAR ME?


Thanks I really like this site, and I'm learning allot from it. It feels good to talk.

I did cut my self but it wasn't bad, maybe it was more of an attention thing. Non the less I do agree it is totally wrong. My sister in law is kinda having a problem with her boyfriend and I had to talk her out of hurting her self a couple of months ago, I never thought I would have to take my own advice. 

I just got off the phone with my husband and thank God he is saying he wants to work it out and at least is willing to. But then he tells me an hour into his job he was tempted to call the other women just for some excitement. I put my foot down finally and told him that this is unacceptable and I will not be walked on.
We spent 55 minuets on the phone talking about our problem and what needs to be done to fix us. He told me what I need to be doing and I told him to step up to the plate and be a man, do stuff with me, take me some where. Lets go have fun!!! 

His brother in law is his boss and father figure, since this happened he had to take some time off for family problems. So today was the first day back to work. I guess he told him what the problem was and thank you Lord he got yelled at. That how dumb especially because it wasn't just a one time drunken stupor. Then he told him Jamie is so out going you should do things with her and go out. So we now have plans to go out on a date.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I agree with Honey, stay on here and chat with us, Suicide is never the answer.

Suicide is just hurting the people around you, not just yourself, Mother father, brother sister, etc.

As swedish said, Get professional help.

no man is worth death, ever. Plenty of good men out there.


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