# Don't know what to do..please help lost!!!



## tifftiff (Jul 4, 2012)

Hello can someone please help me. I have been married for 17yrs to what I thought was my life's partner the one I would grow old with, not only my best friend but my soul mate.

One month ago my wife had been acting suspiciously and I looked on her phone to find a message to her best friend saying that I was more like a brother to her and that she didn't love me as wife anymore etc. She had been distant and cold for a few months with no sex or affection but she was having women problems with her monthly cycle and thought it might be menopausal (she is 44 and I'm 48). Her emotional state was quite bad with signs of depression, tiredness and exhaustion from working long hours in a high pressure job. I felt devastated reading the message and wanted reassurance from her, but I got the " I love you but am not in love with you" speech.

We decided to try and sort things out but over the next 2 weeks but she became more distant lost weight and became more depressed, she asked me to give her space too sort her head out so I moved to friends house for 8 days. During those 8 days she only contacted me once saying she was ok?
After 8 days I rang her and demanded she talked to me as I was worried about her health, she then dropped the bomb that she was having an emotional affair with a manager from work and had been seeing him for 4 months for a drink and kiss and cuddle at least once a week! but there has been no more than that and that she "loved" him and he felt the same. She said that there was no future in the relationship with him but she still didn't miss me or love me and wanted to leave.She moved out the next morning to her mothers which was 10 days ago, we've had no contact at all since then.

My world has fallen apart since then with all the pain that we as BS go through hitting me hard, in less than 5 weeks my wife has gone and I feel totally betrayed, lost, heartbroken and with her showing no remorse or guilt at all only adding to my confusion. I don't know what my next step should be I want to contact her but don't know the best route too take, should I go 180 or wait to see what her next move might be. I think the depression could be her way of dealing with the situation and her head spinning in deciding what to do although she seems adamant that we are finished and won't be coming back. Is this her being in the "fog"?. She has told a friend of mine that it's over and she want's me to move on and forget her, is this so she can goto her affair partners arms to take it further or a confused lady who seems to be heading for a breakdown. I want her back so bad but obviously with NC and certain conditions but there is no sign of her wanting to contact me let alone R. 

Please help as I am hurting but don't want to make the wrong decision now and have no chance of R in the future, but I don't want to be in limbo as she carries on seeing him, where I know it will become more serious and I have no chance of getting my wife back.

Totally confused newbie looking for some good advice, please help!


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

First don't believe her when she says it was only a drink, kiss, and cuddle. These same lines show up daily on this site from different posters but at the end it was sex, a sex loyal husband never got.

Secondly she already decide to be out of a relationship with you so start the 180 and detach yourself as well. The sooner you accept she wont be coming back the faster you'll get over her.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont mention if you have kids. If you havent then you may have to face up to the fact that you have lost her. Why do you want her back so much. If you dont really need her like financially (it comes through that you do) then you should move on.


----------



## tifftiff (Jul 4, 2012)

No I don't need her financially and we have no kids together. I want her back because I still love her so much and want to R. I have only known of the EA for 8 days and feel lost at the moment.


----------



## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

She is gone, Let her go, you cannot force someone to be with you who does not want to be with you, you are both mature enough to understand that, 

Let her go, you can make it on your own


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Your answer was quick!
I would just like to mention one thing that you should bear in mind.
Maybe now that she is with someone else you want her back. When she gets tired of him which usually happens or he of her you may not want her back then.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Kissing and cuddling my arse!

Yep... time to start the 180.
The sooner, the better.

You can't help people who don't want it.

Do this for your own well being.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Plus expose this at her work place. Manager is having and affair with a subordinate and the subordinate has left her husband because of it.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Start a hard 180, file for divorce and have her served. Go dark...complete radio silence. Do not answer her calls or texts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Is the other man married?

What reason did she give for cheating on you?

When was the last time you remember your wife, unsolicited and sincerely, not as part of a routine hello or goodbye, expressing her love for you? When was the last time you really "felt" the love?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just a kiss and a cuddle? Nope. 

What they were doing, tifftiff, is what you will have to do to their careers, if your wife does not shape up and ship back to you:

*Because what you will do is to give their careers the biggest bout of carnal congress in the whole history of carnal congress.*

How? Report them for conducting their affair in work time, which the undoubtedly did.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

First of all, don't beg whine or plead. There is nothing more unattractive than that.

Second, find out if he is married. If so get some evidence and expose the affair to his wife and family. This is not only in order to break up their little fantasy world with a great big dose of reality but also because she should know her husband is cheating on her.

Third, expose it to her workplace. They need to know that this is going on. Go right to the human resources department. If you have evidence, bring it.

Fourth, detach yourself from her. Go dark. She needs to know you can be fine without her. I know this sounds counter intuitive but its the only way. If you keep chasing her she'll keep running further away from you. Once you stop chasing she'll stop running and wonder where she is.

Fifth, get a lawyer and have her served asap. Again, she needs a big dose of reality to snap her out of her fantasy world. Divorces take months to go through and they can be delayed or stopped at any point.

Warning. She will call you every name in the book when you do all this. She will say things like "well I would have considered getting back together with you but not after all this." That is normal. It is affair talk and doesn't matter. Always keep calm. Do not confront the OM. He didn't do this. Your wife did. Your beef is with her. Buy a voice activated recorder and have it on you at all times especially when you speak to her.

And consider counseling. Many times a betrayal like this can cause post traumatic stress disorder. Counseling helps as an outlet and a place to order your thoughts.


----------



## tifftiff (Jul 4, 2012)

Thanks for all your help!
just a few things to clear up, the affair is with another manager as my wife is also a manager. She works for ASDA/Walmart and I'm sure they have a no relationship policy with managers. He is not married, he is 8 years younger than her and has 2 kids from previous relationships and is a bit of player apparently with only one thing in mind.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tifftiff said:


> Thanks for all your help!
> just a few things to clear up, the affair is with another manager as my wife is also a manager. She works for ASDA/Walmart and I'm sure they have a no relationship policy with managers. He is not married, he is 8 years younger than her and has 2 kids from previous relationships and is a bit of player apparently with only one thing in mind.


File a complaint with H.R. Tell them you are looking to sue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

tifftiff said:


> Thanks for all your help!
> just a few things to clear up, the affair is with another manager as my wife is also a manager. She works for ASDA/Walmart and I'm sure they have a no relationship policy with managers. He is not married, he is 8 years younger than her and has 2 kids from previous relationships and is a bit of player apparently with only one thing in mind.


Don't be so sure about policies at Walmart. They may not have a "relationship" policy as such. But infidelity is another story.

Report it to HR or write a letter to the corporate offices.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You need to also start taking care of yourself. Start doing things to make you feel better about yourself. 

First, don't sit around the house wallowing. Get to a gym, open a membership and start working out and getting healthy. No junk foods...start eating good nutritious foods and lay off the booze. 

Weightlifting will help you burn off the stress and make you look and feel better. It will also boost your T levels and make you feel stronger and more assertive. 

You have probably noticed you have no appetite. Use that to your advantage to only eat healhful foods. As you lose weight, throw out your old clothes and buy some sharp designer clothes. Dressing nicely and fashionably will do wonders for your self esteem. 

Box up everything belonging to your wife, everything that reminds you of her, and purge it from the house or apt. 

Change the locks on the house. Control everything that goes in or out of it. Take this time to repaint the place, buy new furniture...turn it into a crib of your own. She'll freak when she sees the changes you made and know that you are moving on without her. 

Now is the time to indulge in new hobbies and activities that you have always wanted to try. Join a mountain biking club, take some college classes....do something to expand your horizons and improve yourself. 

The whole idea of all of this is to focus forward and start looking for a life without your wife. It won't be easy, but you need to start focusing on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

tifftiff said:


> Thanks for all your help!
> just a few things to clear up, the affair is with another manager as my wife is also a manager. She works for ASDA/Walmart and I'm sure they have a no relationship policy with managers. He is not married, he is 8 years younger than her and has 2 kids from previous relationships and is a bit of player apparently with only one thing in mind.


They work for Walmart? Morrigan has a cousin that worked for Walmart. From what I understand this kind of thing will not over over well with either their district or corporate offices. Their corporate culture is rather conservative and extremely family oriented.


----------



## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this... I can tell you really love your wife.

Have you heard of a book called _Love Must Be Tough_ by Dr. James Dobson? I work at Focus on the Family, and I know that this book has been helpful to many in similar circumstances. Also, Focus offers some info on their site about infidelity. 

I pray that things will improve for you soon. God bless you!


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The first thing you should be doing right now exposing the affair.

Inform:

1. Her work HR
2. All close friends
3. Famil, especially her mother.
4. Exposé to anyone you know at her work,

Tell all of then your wife has been cheating with X for the last few months. 
Actually name X in the exposure and tell them she works with him.

She's already out the door so you have nothing to loose and everything to gain by killing the affair by exposing f it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

tifftiff said:


> No I don't need her financially and we have no kids together. I want her back because I still love her so much and want to R. I have only known of the EA for 8 days and feel lost at the moment.


Okay I need to hear from you that 
A.) you understand an realize that is is not just an EA. She slept with this OM. She is using trickle truth to try and save some dignity.
B) STOP BEING NICE. SHE SCREWED YOU OVER. it is time to do the 180, NMMNG, and to show her that she is the one who F'ed up. It is also for you own sanity to get you out of the Depression stage and into the angry stage. Getting you out of this first stage is critical.

C) Serve her butt with D papers. Even if you do plan on R this step injects drama into the wonderful drama less A that she enjoyed. 

D)pick up a new hobby or rediscover an old hobby that you can pour your frustrations into. I decided to bust up some concrete with a sledge hammer. (that really helped)


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

No 40+ year old kisses and cuddles only. That's laughable. Especially for "weeks". Um, no. No way.


----------



## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

kissing = = >> cuddling == equal ===>. sponing + - * === forking then fooking. 
its been physical, leave and never look back, she said many times she does not love you. you have it easy way no kids. leave.


----------

