# So this is what I did:



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I am the stbxw of a serial cheater. Never wanted to R and happy to be moving on.

Ran into an old bf who loves his wife very much but she is disconnecting at the moment. I didn't ask too many questions because he looked so hurt. Wished him well and went on my way.

Thought about him the following week and e-mailed him a harmless joke. He replied with a "good-one".

Next week I emailed him about a guy who died from high-school.

Well by the time I was reay to send the third e-mail, it hit me...I AM THAT PERSON WE HATE. I did not send he e-mail and won't and I honestly have no feelings for this old bf but I was opening a door that in my mind was innocent.

So it does happen very very easily. I really meant nothing but to help this poor guy who has had his gut kicked.

If I had not read things here on TAM, I might have sent that e-mail and been THAT person even though it happened to me and made me miserable.

Anyway, I'm glad I caught myself and will never contact his person again.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Don't beat yourself up.. Sometimes, we CAN be friends with Exes.. B/c there WERE good points to them.. 

In my situation, I have an Ex, that I dated for 3 years.. broke it off with him.. He's.. a nice guy. a good friend.. a LOUSY boyfriend.. if that makes sense.. 

we have kept in contact off and on over the last 15 years.. he called when my mom died (he adored her).. my stbxh HATED it.. last year, my BFF from high school killed himself.. they were both cops, my BFF, and my Ex.. He called me, to make sure I heard it from someone I knew (I had already known, my BFF was like a brother to me) but we ended up talking for an hour.. My STBXH was IRATE.. It wasn't anything, but that they were on the same big metropolitan police force (and knew each other thru me) and he knew how devastated I'd be.. I remember him saying, hey, friend me on FB.. And my H went ballistic, so, out of respect for our marriage and him, I didn't.. 

However, after we split up, he had contacted me to tell me that the cat I gave him died and he wanted to let me know.. and so, I friended him on FB.. I don't know if he's married, or not, has a girlfriend, or not, couldn't care less.. 

if there's nothing there, there's nothing there.. he's a nice guy. we have a shared history.. we still get along.. (although it took years lol) 

Don't feel bad.. If there was no ill intent, it's not a big deal.. 

Do you think you were trying to start something? B/c if it was just, hey, I remember why you were a good person, and I can identify with that.. leave it.. you're fine..


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Rugs said:


> I am the stbxw of a serial cheater. Never wanted to R and happy to be moving on.
> 
> Ran into an old bf who loves his wife very much but she is disconnecting at the moment. I didn't ask too many questions because he looked so hurt. Wished him well and went on my way.
> 
> ...


This is what Dr. Harley means by "affair proofing." This is what Athol Kay means by being conscious. This is what Shirley Glass means by inoculating yourself against infidelity. Anyone can cheat but just that knowledge alone can help you from falling into that trap.

Good for you!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I meant NO harm. It was innocent and I wasn't giving it a second thought. I thought I was ENTITLED to help an old friend when I very well could have made things worse. 

If I was his already unhappy wife, I would have been angry my husband was chatting via e-mail with an old Gf.

Not beating myself up at all, just sharing how these things start - sometimes innocently and sometimes not.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

bfree said:


> This is what Dr. Harley means by "affair proofing." This is what Athol Kay means by being conscious. This is what Shirley Glass means by inoculating yourself against infidelity. Anyone can cheat but just that knowledge alone can help you from falling into that trap.
> 
> Good for you!


Yep! It really doesn't take too much of a push to trod on the path to betrayal.

Boundaries and awareness.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

3putt said:


> Boundaries and awareness.


Self-awareness (you were aware that you were thinking about him; you were aware that you sent him a joke; you were aware that you received a response. And then you became aware of your own _principle_ of "Do unto others..." You were able to put yourself in his WIFE'S shoes, and became aware of how you would feel if someone was emailing your husband, even if you two weren't getting along...)

Add self-awareness to _self-control _or 'boundaries' (stopping yourself from continuing to contact him _even if you would have liked to_, because you would NOT have liked it if it was done to YOU..)

Self-awareness + self-control= Good relationships! 

Even if we're not talking about YOUR relationship. By exercising self-awareness and self-control, you protected _someone else's _relationship. 

I wish my ex's AP had thought like you. Ironically, she once wrote that she was happy to be with someone (my ex) who "likes people as much as I do". Yet, they BOTH screwed _me_ over. One of my biggest complaints about him, was how often he complained about others and how much he put others down.

Yeah. They're made for each other. 

Vega


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## ILoveMyWife! (Sep 5, 2013)

I applaud you for the preventive actions you took. Just be conscious, thats all we can do sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Your innocent reconnection through FB sounds exactly like what my wife did. It was someone she had history with and they still had like interests. Before she and I knew it, things were more than just friends between her and serveral of her "new" FB friends. Since my discovery, we both no longer have the evil FB. I still don't know if she really realizes what she has done in all this????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Rugs said:


> I meant NO harm. It was innocent and I wasn't giving it a second thought. I thought I was ENTITLED to help an old friend when I very well could have made things worse.
> 
> If I was his already unhappy wife, I would have been angry my husband was chatting via e-mail with an old Gf.
> 
> Not beating myself up at all, just sharing how these things start - sometimes innocently and sometimes not.



What you did was flirting not helping.

Helping would to point out an affair. How to snoop for evidence. Informing of TAM and others like it.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

theroad said:


> What you did was flirting not helping.
> 
> Helping would to point out an affair. How to snoop for evidence. Informing of TAM and others like it.


That is what my third e-mail was going to do actually but he is just going to have to figure it out without me. 

We had not spoken in 15 years so I was breaking the ice or flirting or whatever you want to call it but I was leading up to suggesting counseling and TAM but decided to cut all contact instead. I think it's best for all involved.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

theroad said:


> What you did was flirting not helping.
> 
> Helping would to point out an affair. How to snoop for evidence. Informing of TAM and others like it.


Sorry but I don't think that pointing out an affair is ever helping. It is a necessary evil at times, but if the affair doesn't actually exist then I assuming something is going on affair like could actually hurt more than anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Rugs said:


> That is what my third e-mail was going to do actually but he is just going to have to figure it out without me.
> 
> We had not spoken in 15 years so I was breaking the ice or flirting or whatever you want to call it but I was leading up to suggesting counseling and TAM but decided to cut all contact instead. I think it's best for all involved.


The same thing happened with my WW but it was only 10 years. The odd thing is that she said they picked up things and resumed like no time had ever passed. That should be an eye opener to others how easy it can be to cross the line and quickly.

Glad you are getting out before it escalates further.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Rugs said:


> I meant NO harm. It was innocent and I wasn't giving it a second thought. I thought I was ENTITLED to help an old friend when I very well could have made things worse.
> 
> If I was his already unhappy wife, I would have been angry my husband was chatting via e-mail with an old Gf.
> 
> Not beating myself up at all, just sharing how these things start - sometimes innocently and sometimes not.


You started slipping down the slippery slope and immediately recognized it and stopped. I wish my fWW had done as well as you did.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rugs said:


> I am the stbxw of a serial cheater. Never wanted to R and happy to be moving on.
> 
> Ran into an old bf who loves his wife very much but she is disconnecting at the moment. I didn't ask too many questions because he looked so hurt. Wished him well and went on my way.
> 
> ...


Not at all. You know, it is perfectly possible for former boy/girl friends to have innocent relationships based on nothing more than emailed jokes, a recipe or a cute picture of a cat.

Some people can't do that. Some people can't just send a cute picture like this:










Instead, their first idea is to send a picture of their Junk:-









*You are not a cheater.*


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