# Light Bulb Moment



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

So, I was thinking about my STBXH in Kuwait as I had to email him to get the phone service transferred only to his name as they won't honor the power of attorney for this? Even though he is sole owner of the house? 

I had put all his files in order, paid bills, etc. 
Was telling him this along with arrangements for my move out, mail, phone message and forwarding...

I felt a twinge of guilt as I know he will crumble. Despite being abusive he absolutely cringes at being alone. 

Then I realized, he had no problem with ME having to hold up handling a move, my prior health issues, kids transfer of schools, college student, my work, handling all household management and finances, all the paperwork related to his deployment, furnishing the house, doing all housework inside and out or arranging for it to be done, dealing with his extended family at the holidays, and arranging for vacation while he was home on leave, in addition he seemed to want me to get his favorite beer for him with kids in tow when I took the time to visit my son in college in a nearby state where this beer is available... on top of DEALING WITH THE EMOTIONAL FALLOUT FROM HIS THING WITH HIS EX and putting up with all the abuse stemming from and not stemming from his cheating and lying.

So, I realized, poor guy, he is in a place where he can access a counselor 24x7 and has his battle buddy who is a mature guy and will take care of him, he has no meals to prepare or clean up from, no kids to take care of or handle affairs for, his own bills and house are being taken care of, his paperwork is done and I am actually communicating with him so he knows what things are handled on his behalf and how, he has no issues with income or child care, he is not having to move or move his children or enroll them in a new school, he had his affair and whatever other women I don't know about and his family who will support him 100% and say I really must have been cheating on him to 'do this' to him (after all he's done for me :scratchhead. 

So let's see I have to deal with this that and the other thing *on top of being cheated on and lied to*, and he had his cake and is meeting with natural consequences of cheating, lying, unwanted sexual contact and other abuse emotional and verbal and medical neglect.

If he whines I will tell him to suck it up.
It's not like he got cheated ON, he cheated himself.

Remind me of this if I act all sorry for him, ever.
Probably unlikely scenario, but just in case.
Old habits die hard I guess I decided to be a military wife so part of me is on auto-drive and thinks okay I need to take care of this, this and that so he does not have the hassle.

I guess I should leave some things for him to do paperwork wise so he can have the confidence building experience of having to do stuff when you absolutely need to but would rather be avoiding the situation altogether. I wouldn't want to make it so he can come back and just drop his bags at the door and have a look around and go out on a climbing trip, although that's probably what he'll do. 

I haven't told him yet though that huge trees are falling in the back woods near the house due to the recent earthquake activity, heavy snows this past winter and loads and loads of rain this spring. The driveway has developed some fairly deep ruts that get deeper with each heavy rain. Last fall I busted my butt trenching but now I figure that I will be able to drive my last drive down the driveway before it's totally rutted out. Hopefully no trees will fall on the house before I leave. FWIW I wanted a small house and the one he built he had to blast. I think the blasting activity loosened a lot of tree roots. That's what you get when you mess with Mother Nature.

Oh, there is a crack right down the middle of the house, too.
He will have to deal with that. The contractor calls me once in a while to stall things off on the repair. Good luck with that.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

He should do his share as well. Good for you! Now you can put more time into climbing. Good Luck!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Oh boy sounds as if you carried more than the lion's share. Well, I suppose you may do it for yourself now.

The emotions are so erratic. Anger, sadness, depression, hope, acceptance. 

Well, I wish you all of the best for you and your family. 

Keep posting to keep us informed of your recovery.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Dumping a guy while he's serving his country overseas. That's pretty classy. Lovely. Now we'll have another despondent troop carrying around automatic weapons, as if that place doesn't suck hard enough. I know you have your reasons and all, but couldn't this wait till he gets back to the world?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

You can't be serious. His "wants" couldn't wait, so he had an affair. But she's supposed to put her life on hold after being heartbroken? His occupation doesn't grant him the right to cheat and have his wife at home to take care of his every other need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> His occupation doesn't grant him the right to cheat and have his wife at home to take care of his every other need.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I second that motion.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

I agree as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Dumping a guy while he's serving his country overseas. That's pretty classy. Lovely. Now we'll have another despondent troop carrying around automatic weapons, as if that place doesn't suck hard enough. I know you have your reasons and all, but couldn't this wait till he gets back to the world?


I'm a veteran, and went through a lot of military family services support this year because of what he did to me. How about the effect on me and MY children when I had to find out about his cheating and lying one month after he deployed? Then he refused to come home on pass before he went to Kuwait to his DESK JOB surrounded by his supportive buddies with minimal responsibilities, and I had to say come home and deal with what you did or divorce. He came home so he wouldn't be exposed to his CO and he said to me, if you want marriage counseling you will need another job to pay for it. Then he made some excuse to need to go to Dunkin Donuts and missed 1/2 of the therapist's emergency visit. He was a 1st Sgt. Apparently he has no problem dealing with other people's cr*p. So now he can deal with his own. And by the way, it's no surprise that you cheat on people and lie to them and they will have issues with it. He has known the entire deployment that there were marital issues that might end in divorce, and he had to be FORCED to go to counseling. I was enlisted and went up to officer ranks. I had a child during the 1st Gulf War and worked at an embassy. It's not like I am unfamiliar with stress and bombings and thinking your car might blow up when you start it. Difference is, I had my child with me too. So just up yours, should I add Sir? Maybe you outrank me and have even more knowledge of military ops. I ran a personal reliability program for people in high risk jobs - parachute packers, air traffic control, fighter pilots, people who push the nuke button. And you're telling me that my H who does Power Point slides on Sundays and counts buildings and drives people around after he lost his 1st Sgt job last year (gee I wonder why) can't deal with something he already knows about? AND CREATED, ALL ON HIS OWN?

I have a rule, a guideline, I only dish out what I alone know I could personally handle. I think this situation is well within the guidelines. Of course being who he is the knowledge that he will never again scr*w me again might actually send him over the deep end. This is why his CO and battle buddy know about the situation. Trust me, his unit is on alert because apparently two other people scre*wd up their personal lives and made failed attempts and ended up stateside on extended vacation with room service. This is not a war issue at all, they're doing paperwork. And you know what, they are betting that we won't leave them because of insane comments and attitudes like the ones you're making. 

People need to leave with a hero's heart in order to return a hero. Going to 'war' if you want to call a perfectly safe desk job in a non-combat country that, doesn't give people the privileges afforded to a**holes with laurels attached.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Thanks for your support, the people who offered it. This seems to be the attitude in my new town where I have been awarded a veteran's scholarship of my own at a college there, in honor of a soldier who was adored by everyone who knew him and died a hero in Afghanistan. I do have a war hero, it just isn't my husband. It's some nice guy I never knew.


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

I totally agree Homemaker!! People don't realize how much we sacrafise and do for our husbands while they are away either being deployed or even just gone training or working. Lucky are the wives that their husbands are faithful to them and love them unconditionally and then their are the wives (us) that aren't so lucky and we find ourselves in the situations that we are in now. For one we follow them around putting our lives on hold while they get stationed all around the country having to quite our jobs and try to find new ones each time. We pay all bills, deal with kids, and everything around the house etc. 

So yes I know exactly what you are going through!! And I did leave some of the moving stuff up to him to deal with! I figuired hey he wanted this divorce so why am I doing all the work?! And I know that once the divorce is final reality is going to be rude awakening because he is not used to paying any bills himself, dealing with anything financial wise etc! It will be very interesting!! 

Why do people have to make it seem like the military wives are the bad ones?? Even my counselor said that people don't realize how much stress is put on us that most people don't understand or recognize..


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

baseballmom said:


> I totally agree Homemaker!! People don't realize how much we sacrafise and do for our husbands while they are away either being deployed or even just gone training or working. Lucky are the wives that their husbands are faithful to them and love them unconditionally and then their are the wives (us) that aren't so lucky and we find ourselves in the situations that we are in now. For one we follow them around putting our lives on hold while they get stationed all around the country having to quite our jobs and try to find new ones each time. We pay all bills, deal with kids, and everything around the house etc.
> 
> So yes I know exactly what you are going through!! And I did leave some of the moving stuff up to him to deal with! I figuired hey he wanted this divorce so why am I doing all the work?! And I know that once the divorce is final reality is going to be rude awakening because he is not used to paying any bills himself, dealing with anything financial wise etc! It will be very interesting!!
> 
> Why do people have to make it seem like the military wives are the bad ones?? Even my counselor said that people don't realize how much stress is put on us that most people don't understand or recognize..


Serving one's country is definately noble and honorable, but it doesn't give you a first class ticket to being an a$$hole.
I'm glad you're taking much needed action homemaker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

As for putting him in a position where he will be emotionally distraught...

Our history of man and wife includes me being hospitalized for psych eval and medical rule-outs for 2 days last spring (while he was in the midst of arranging for bang bang with his married gf). I drove myself 2 hours to the hospital and he did not even help because he had to 'work'. Then he left work early so he could go to VT to visit with his friend and friends' family and go rock climbing. I asked him to stop by the hospital to visit me en route and bring tacos he said no, he was having dinner with his friends, I said just bring me a taco and come by to see me it is scary here (a dementia patient who was an older guy walked into my room and had approached my bed, I'd called for help and nobody came in...had to get rid of him myself, as I was there for in-part a psych eval even I was questioning whether it was an illusion or not - it was not, but.....) It turned out my medical issue really was that, anaphylaxis, an allergic reaction that was like being on speed that put me in a sustained anxiety state among other things. However, dear supportive HERO of mine told the doctors point blank there was no stress at home, no reason for me to be anxious at all, nothing going on (I'd asked him about his emails to this woman just the week before and he'd lied to me about them, typed a fake email to her in a casual manner to show as an 'example'....) then let me come home with low-dose olanzapine and still said nothing. 
Oh wait, he did say something, he said the family support group was a bunch of gossipy ladies with nothing better to do than trash people behind their backs (hmmmmmm, maybe him????????) and that I didn't need therapy, there was nothing wrong with me or my life except my attitude of not trusting him. (I went to therapy anyway!!!!!!)

So, let's see, H subjects me to medical neglect, left me alone to have an eval that could have resulted in psych admission knowing full well there was a reason for anxiety and psychosis other than medical, while he blithely went rock climbing and arranged for bang-bang with his married gf...and I am supposed to feel SORRY and GUILTY for telling him I am leaving?

Oh, he's not suffering at all by the way. I looked at the rock climbing forum and not one hour after I told him he was posting about his 'standard rack' for climbing and so forth.

Not surprising, since my research on the same forum (which I had an account on because I like to climb, too) shows that a week before we married he complained on this forum how life commitments are boring and interfered with climbing....and hopefully he could get out ice climbing that winter....and then 6 weeks after wedding on VALENTINE'S DAY he made a reference to liking old holes (ice climbing 'scr*w discussion turned pornographic) and it sure as heck wasn't mine. Probably referring to one of his elderly f*ck partners, the favorite ones past menopause. 

There is NO reason to feel sorry for this guy, he even got his BAH he wouldn't have got without me. And I put his files in order too...well, partly so he can't use that as a reason to be contacting me. This is a guy who will stand next to me having a conversation about something like groceries and then laugh because the entire time he's had his fly open and has been masturbating. When a guy does that, he's telling you he's a real d*ck. Listen up.

My sympathy for any emotional state he might get himself into is nil. You know what? It's my sympathy for him that got me into this mess of a marriage in the first place.

What's good for the goose is also good for the gander, and vice versa. He had every confidence I could handle the emotional states he induced, now I have every confidence he is capable fo handling the emotional state that HE induced. I am following the path of natural consequences here. Not intentionally kicking a guy while he's down. Trust me, deployment is good for his affairs, he can now tell his girlfriends his wife dumped him while deployed. That's EXACTLY what he told me about his married gf, she cheated on him during 1st Gulf War and that is why he never got over her and wasn't married. All the while, he's still carrying on with her. Yep, I'm one of those people who got used for free sex and tax-free BAH. My kids and I figured out that was $2,300 a month, easily. Plus the benfits of the tax deductions on his income tax last year. 

He posted on the climbing site he is planning to buy new gear. It is expensive. He won't be hurting financially. He made sure to put the house only in his name on the loan. He told me that I needed to trust him and it was so if anything happened to me then we would be sure to afford the loan on his finances alone. Yep, I trusted him all right. Well, it makes leaving easier, not having a loan with him. The things that happened to me related to the construction of the house, well, I want nothing to do with it anyway, except to leave.

Oh, while he was arranging for bang bang, he sent lovey woman soul mate chick photos of 'the house'...all the rooms, etc. When I'd questioned him about it, he said that he was 'excited' and wanted to 'share it' because it was something they'd talked about for a long time in their 'friendship', how he'd wanted a house and a family. He addressed it 'Hey Beautiful' and 'Love you'. When I found out about all this lying and cheating it got the response 'you weren't supposed to see that. I thought I deleted it.' No sh*t.
He could have been playing her to get sex....and had no intention of divorce so long as I kept my job (good pay, but telecommute, so home to wash his dirty laundry and be on hand for on-demand sex and to belay him when he couldn't find someone to climb with...). Oh, this other woman who had a thing for him was spreading rumors around town that I was cheating on him. And he had been supporting her in badgering me and interfering with the marriage in all kinds of catty ways. Accepting emails from her saying she loved him and that he was her ex-law husband and she was wife (she is married, this is a DIFFERENT woman than the other married one). I guess the plan was to make me out as a cheater and to divorce me on his return. 

The FIRST thing I wrote to him after divorce notification was that until I leave this is my domicile along with my kids (his stepkids) and that he was not to send his friends around to check on things. If anyone enters saying they have his 'permission' I will call the police. They need MY permission to come by since I am living here. I gave him a move-out date that is about a week before he is to come home. 

Oh, that second married woman, she trysts up with some guy on her motorcycle across the street from here in the woods every noon when it's not raining. Binoculars are very useful. I checked once, verified it was her (kind of an unmistakable voice), now it's boring. Guy is not her husband. Big suprise.


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