# BS- do you ever feel like your WS plan b?



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Hi, I was just wondering if any BS felt like their WS's plan B after reconciling? Do you feel they loved you like they did before or have they ever loved you? Do you feel yourself detaching even thogh you believed yourself to have reconciled? 

It seems from my experience and from reading these boards the affair and its effects last a lifetime. I wonder how many BS just settle for a life with the WS or after reconciling begin to detach due to the damage that was done. It seems like the aftermath of the affair can last decades.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I often ponder these questions myself. Curious to hear the responses.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Hi, I was just wondering if any BS felt like their WS's plan B after reconciling? Do you feel they loved you like they did before or have they ever loved you? Do you feel yourself detaching even thogh you believed yourself to have reconciled?
> 
> It seems from my experience and from reading these boards the affair and its effects last a lifetime. I wonder how many BS just settle for a life with the WS or after reconciling begin to detach due to the damage that was done. It seems like the aftermath of the affair can last decades.


Actually that's not always the case. The OM was really my WW's "plan B". My WW is a "stuffer", not a confronter, and it was just easier to look somewhere else than tell me what her issues were. She has always suffered from low self esteem, so someone showing her some unsolicited attention broke down her defenses, what little she had, and she decided to get her needs met elsewhere while she tried to figure out our marriage. Didn't quite workout the way she planned. I'm sure the effects will last a lifetime, but they would whether we were together or not. I have not detached at all, in fact I'm way more involved in our marriage than ever. Once I made the decision to R, I fully committed to it, and will stay fully committed unless my WW shows that she is * anything less than fully committed.* I do not feel I have_ settled_ for anything and that if my marriage continues on its current track it will be better than before. The end does not justify the means, but the means have already occurred, so the only thing I can try to control is the end. Time will tell.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Hi, I was just wondering if any BS felt like their WS's plan B after reconciling? Do you feel they loved you like they did before or have they ever loved you? *Do you feel yourself detaching *even thogh you believed yourself to have reconciled?
> 
> It seems from my experience and from reading these boards the affair and its effects last a lifetime. I wonder how many BS just settle for a life with the WS or after reconciling begin to detach due to the damage that was done. It seems like the aftermath of the affair can last decades.


Detaching from someone who has, in a sense, "rejected" you by having an affair with someone else is a natural human psychological defense mechanism. By detaching, you are, in effect, rejecting them before they can reject you again.

There are a lot of variations on relationships, infidelities, and reconciliations. Again, by human nature, people generally don't seek out a forum to post to when everything is going great, or just to vent, but when things are going badly and to seek advice. So that eliminates the betrayed spouses who immediately decide to divorce as well as most of those whose spouses overwhelmingly re-commit to the marriage. So although the cases here are useful to try to see what works and what hasn't, I would guess that they generally don't tell the story of the quick divorce or the immediate reconciliation (though you can see some of both in cases where the poster has come here asking for tips to investigate and then finds out the truth after the posts have begun).

There certainly are tales of successful reconciliations on this forum. There are case where the cheater never considered the affair partner a replacement for their spouse and their are cases where they realized that their spouse really was the one they wanted, their plan A, and not the affair partner, after being found out.

Most of the successful reconciliations seem to share in common that the cheater does a kind of penance, making all of their own needs secondary to the betrayed spouse's, for the initial period after discovery of the affair, until the betrayed spouse feels comfortable that the cheater truly is remorseful and committed.

Like any other traumatic experience, it stays with you - I doubt you ever will forget it, but you can learn to live with it and the recurring thoughts of it will fade as time passes.

The ones who successfully reconcile will tell you that it's never the same, it's a new marriage, with a new reality - kind of like when you found out there was no Santa Claus, no tooth fairy, no Easter bunny - you now know your spouse is not unconditionally loyal to you and, furthermore, you probably won't feel that way about anyone else, either.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Hi, I was just wondering if* any BS felt like their WS's plan B after reconciling?* Do you feel they loved you like they did before or have they ever loved you? Do you feel yourself detaching even thogh you believed yourself to have reconciled?


I felt Plan B when she asked me to stop the D three months after DDay (DDay she was dumped by OM).
It toke me almost another half year to commit to R, once I could admit to myslef I wasn't her plan B, she had to prove me I wasn't.
It was still a fleeting thought I had to fight for over a year more. She proved me wrong. I'm happyly reconciled thress years and a half after the nuclear bomb dropped here.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

My WH has remorse and has done things to prove that I'm not plan B. I have come to a place where I am indifferent and have taken steps to secure my independence in case of divorce. He doesn't want one, but I am having a hard time "checking back in". We have little ones so for me it's kind of wait and see...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Plan b? Now it all makes sense.

For years I thought my wife had just decided to come back to me from her lover. Silly, silly me...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The moment I did, I was done... I was still getting my head together after Dday and as things progressed and I found out more, I let her go... I was done. I'd rather be alone than be someone's plan B.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Same as MovingAhead, me ... The more I found out after DD1 and DD2, the more I realised I am nothing but Plan B ... Post-DD2, it is inevitable that our M got to 'exit stage right' ...


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Overthemoon88 said:


> The more I found out after DD1 and DD2, the more I realised I am nothing but Plan B.


When finally caught, my wife had been serially cheating for years... I felt more like* Plan D. *


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Thanks for the replies everyone - it seems like it takes an emotional toll for the BS to stay.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

In my case, the issue wasn't that I was her "plan B', the issue was she felt (and still feels) that she is MY plan B. Because I divorced her and went on to have other relationships with other women, she realized that I can , have, and will, live happily without her.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Absolutely not any more.

I was plan A for maybe 18 years. I became plan B for maybe 5 (even though plan A most certainly could not have worked and did not, in reality, exist).

Now, I am plan AAA top priority. Number 1. El presidente. Could not be any higher priority,

That is what she always was for me, so now she gets what it's all about at last. Maybe way too late, but at least I know she wants ME.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Detaching from someone who has, in a sense, "rejected" you by having an affair with someone else is a natural human psychological defense mechanism. By detaching, you are, in effect, rejecting them before they can reject you again.
> 
> There are a lot of variations on relationships, infidelities, and reconciliations. Again, by human nature, people generally don't seek out a forum to post to when everything is going great, or just to vent, but when things are going badly and to seek advice. So that eliminates the betrayed spouses who immediately decide to divorce as well as most of those whose spouses overwhelmingly re-commit to the marriage. So although the cases here are useful to try to see what works and what hasn't, I would guess that they generally don't tell the story of the quick divorce or the immediate reconciliation (though you can see some of both in cases where the poster has come here asking for tips to investigate and then finds out the truth after the posts have begun).
> 
> ...


Excellent post Will - best wishes "Plan B"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Absolutely not any more.
> 
> I was plan A for maybe 18 years. I became plan B for maybe 5 (even though plan A most certainly could not have worked and did not, in reality, exist).
> 
> ...


But in my case, perhaps plan b won?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> Absolutely not any more.
> 
> I was plan A for maybe 18 years. I became plan B for maybe 5 (even though plan A most certainly could not have worked and did not, in reality, exist).
> 
> ...


Is that enough for you Chris? Or is is too late?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I don't know. It's enough for me to feel justified in trying to reconcile, but it's been a very long and hard road.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> I don't know. It's enough for me to feel justified in trying to reconcile, but it's been a very long and hard road.


Yea it's tough..can you feel that same level of love for her again?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Yea it's tough..can you feel that same level of love for her again?


I don't know. Maybe a different kind of love, but the love we had can never return as that was, for me, based on a 'knowledge' of her fidelity and 100% commitment.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> I don't know. Maybe a different kind of love, but the love we had can never return as that was, for me, based on a 'knowledge' of her fidelity and 100% commitment.


I suppose I reconciled on that basis, Chris. 

Not ideal but it has worked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I suppose I reconciled on that basis, Chris.
> 
> Not ideal but it has worked.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How would you both say the love has changed for your WS?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> How would you both say the love has changed for your WS?


It hasn't. I still love my wife just as much as I ever did.

That's not what is missing. It is the 100% trust that's missing. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> It hasn't. I still love my wife just as much as I ever did.
> 
> That's not what is missing. It is the 100% trust that's missing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for clarifying Matt..the lack of 100% trust do you feel it imepedes you from giving 100% to your wife?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Thanks for clarifying Matt..the lack of 100% trust do you feel it imepedes you from giving 100% to your wife?


No, I still give 100%. But sometimes I find myself feeling a little short tempered with her. She blames me.

Well, after so many years it can't be anything to do with what she put me, well, us, through, can it? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> No, I still give 100%. But sometimes I find myself feeling a little short tempered with her. She blames me.
> 
> Well, after so many years it can't be anything to do with what she put me, well, us, through, can it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some scars never fully heal do they?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Some scars never fully heal do they?


Not entirely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Not entirely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is the conclusion I am coming to...BS never really heal entirely but just manage the pain...do yu ever still get a flare up of the pain?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I never really felt like Plan B (or Plan A). I felt like I represented to her that ‘family image’ and that dream she had. The OM’s are more what she felt she gave up to live her ‘family image’; the ‘party girl’. 

4 years into R, she’s my Plan B. Plan A is living my own life and getting what I want out of it.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm with Racer.. I know I'm plan A for her now, I'm also my plan A... 

Scars don't heal, and some can leave you a bit gun shy.. but I've seen cases where people work harder after injury, and come back stronger and with more desire and passion. Once they get over that initial fear that causes them to flinch... take a few hits and survive, then slowly get confidence back that you're going to be okay. You'll never be the same as before the injury, but like the six million dollar man.. you can be rebuilt, better.. stronger.. faster...


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

The pain flares up. The pain for me hasn't gone away, but maybe enough time will pass to where I don't think about it every damn day. 

I was a distraction for her when we got together. She was still in love with OM back then, just forgot to tell me that. So I was never Plan A when we started. At some point, she decided OM was a POS and I really was the real thing. At that point I became a serious contender for her heart.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Reconciliation is a b!tch.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Reconciliation is a b!tch.


Do you ever think of looking for happiness elsewhere?


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

My WS has done a lot to try to show he is committed, that our marriage is (now) his Plan A. But yes, I worry whether I am Plan B. And I worry that feeling will never totally go away.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I don't feel like plan B, in fact after all the talks I really don't think she put much thought into anything she did or had any plans of leaving. Cake eating maybe, funny thing (I read it here all the time) they just don't think about the future or the consequences until they are caught. 
You know that somewhere in that tiny disturbed mind of their's they know what they are doing is wrong and that is my biggest problem. If you are not drunk(not a good excuse but used many times) high or mentally unstable then you do know what you are doing and you are making that choice of your own free will or in better terms you are doing it because you want to.
Not plan B but still hard to accept you telling me you love me so much yet you spread your legs for another man, how much did you love me when he was screwing you, did your love drop on the floor like your panties?
On second thought no matter what they did to you, no matter what the excuses, THEY made their choice and you were not it so maybe we are all plan B I guess.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Do you ever think of looking for happiness elsewhere?


Good question... No, I don't. 

I was in love with her before she screwed the OM, and I am still in love with her. Even had I left, I would still be in love with her, but without her being there. In the past, my first wife slept with her OM, I just left the marriage. No problem. But this one, she's different. She's worth going through hell and high water for. 

To a point. My boundaries are firmly in place and she knows a _breath _of transgression will cause it to blow apart like a New Mexico testing ground. I am that pained by her actions.

I understand her motivations at the time, and understand her mentally and emotionally (at the time) better than before. I don't accept any justifications or excuses, but at least I know what the mechanisms were. And I know she loves me with all her heart. And she regrets every second of influence OM had on her.

It took too long for me to find a woman like this. I'm not going to try again. So this one is worth the pain, and she knows I am, too.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> Unfortunately, I do not think we have enough time in our life for the pain to ever go away.


I just hope it's not daily. 

I left my first wife after her affair, and it doesn't hurt me at all today. I just think she's stupid. I don't hate her, I sure don't love her. I _nothing _her.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I don't feel like Plan B at all. She earned her shot at R, and I only decided to commit to R after observing and monitoring for ANY signs of rug sweeping and breaking NC. I divorced my first wife for cheating on me, and this one knows that she will not get another chance at R with me if she ever fracks up again. She's thankful for this chance. 

Or she can GTFO. I'm no one's Plan B.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> Unfortunately, I do not think we have enough time in our life for the pain to ever go away.


John have you considered counseling? It seems to me this was rugswept and your wife got away with it - no remorse to speak of.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

I wanted to resurrect this thread and add another question - did your WS come back to you after their AP threw them under the bus? Many couples who do reconcile - the AP would never really commit to a LTR with them..was that the situation in your case? If so are you secure in your R? I'd really like to hear from BS on these points....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> That is the conclusion I am coming to...BS never really heal entirely but just manage the pain...do yu ever still get a flare up of the pain?


Yep. That's why I came looking for TAM.:smthumbup:


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Yep. That's why I came looking for TAM.:smthumbup:


Matt what did you think of my previous post? Did your wife's affair partner throw her under the bus?


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I wanted to resurrect this thread and add another question - did your WS come back to you after their AP threw them under the bus? Many couples who do reconcile - the AP would never really commit to a LTR with them..was that the situation in your case? If so are you secure in your R? I'd really like to hear from BS on these points....


I know this question is addressed to betrayed spouses/partners, but mine isn't on TAM, so I'll answer instead. I could have had a LTR with my last AP had I wanted one, but I chose to ditch the AP, clean up my act, and try for R instead. My betrayed partner seems mostly to be secure in the new "us", in our R, though she voiced fears about being plan b earlier on.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

soulpotato said:


> I know this question is addressed to betrayed spouses/partners, but mine isn't on TAM, so I'll answer instead. I could have had a LTR with my last AP had I wanted one, but I chose to ditch the AP, clean up my act, and try for R instead. My betrayed partner seems mostly to be secure in the new "us", in our R, though she voiced fears about being plan b earlier on.


Thanks for sharing....hope your R goes well!! Also you had the chance for a LTR ith your R and turned it down - so you did indeed choose your partner!  I wonder in cases where the AP ran for the hills how the BS feels....


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

I did feel like plan b at first, but now I am way beyond plan A. He had his excuses for what he did, but not anymore. Do I love him? Yes. Has it changed? The love, no. It's the adoration that's damaged. I can no longer look at him and say, "That man loves me so much he is not capable of hurting me" because he destroyed me. He knows he destroyed me. 
The niggling question I've had the last couple months, and have actually considered a new thread in asking the former waywards:
Why now? Why does he love me so much now?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> *I did feel like plan b at first, but now I am way beyond plan A*. He had his excuses for what he did, but not anymore. Do I love him? Yes. Has it changed? The love, no. It's the adoration that's damaged. I can no longer look at him and say, "That man loves me so much he is not capable of hurting me" because he destroyed me. He knows he destroyed me.
> The niggling question I've had the last couple months, and have actually considered a new thread in asking the former waywards:
> *Why now? Why does he love me so much now?*


How were you able to go from feeling like plan B to way beyond plan A? Do you still feel insecure in your R? Thanks for sharing....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Do you ever think of looking for happiness elsewhere?


Yes, I did. To my shame.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Matt what did you think of my previous post? Did your wife's affair partner throw her under the bus?


No. She wanted to "get him out of her system" and that's pretty much what she did.

He tried several times to rekindle their affair. She gave him a knee in his bollocks the last time he tried anything.

He has since remarried. So clearly the knee was not *that* lethal.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> How were you able to go from feeling like plan B to way beyond plan A? Do you still feel insecure in your R? Thanks for sharing....


Just the way he treats me now and the things he does to prove he loves me and wants to be with me. Silly little things like leaving some dark chocolate on my pillow when he knows it's PMS week to going out and buying me the willow tree I've always wanted and digging a hole and planting it in the pouring down rain so I would be happy to see it when I got home from work...to his new ink, not my name, but my entire face and body across his back (over 20 hours so far). He lets me know where he is every minute and I am more than welcome to get the key to his truck/toolbox and look through at any time, and we're installing video cameras on the boat (his idea) that are viewable with a smartphone app. He's very affectionate, and puts me first in everything. 
Not so much insecurity in the R, but just still see boogiewomen everywhere. I freaked out only today when he butt called me (that's how I found out in the first place). I listened for ten minutes today and heard nothing but the sound of his powertools. When he got his phone out, he called me immediately to see if I was ok, because he saw how long I listened and knew exactly where my mind went. He doesn't get angry when I trigger.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> Just the way he treats me now and the things he does to prove he loves me and wants to be with me. Silly little things like leaving some dark chocolate on my pillow when he knows it's PMS week to going out and buying me the willow tree I've always wanted and digging a hole and planting it in the pouring down rain so I would be happy to see it when I got home from work...to his new ink, not my name, but my entire face and body across his back (over 20 hours so far). He lets me know where he is every minute and I am more than welcome to get the key to his truck/toolbox and look through at any time, and we're installing video cameras on the boat (his idea) that are viewable with a smartphone app. He's very affectionate, and puts me first in everything.
> Not so much insecurity in the R, but just still see boogiewomen everywhere. I freaked out only today when he butt called me (that's how I found out in the first place). I listened for ten minutes today and heard nothing but the sound of his powertools. When he got his phone out, he called me immediately to see if I was ok, because he saw how long I listened and knew exactly where my mind went. He doesn't get angry when I trigger.


Did his AP offer him a LTR?


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Did his AP offer him a LTR?


She did want a LTR. She had separated from her H and had filed for D (they got back together, but he had a RA with his attorney) and had rented an apartment. Now that he will tell me anything I want to know, sometimes when answering a question, he gets this glazed-over look and shakes his head when he realizes how stupid he was. She wanted LTR. After he came out of the fog, he told me that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't let go of me. He and I were grade-school sweethearts when we were little.He used to chase me around the playground. His family moved away and we didn't see eachother again for years. We had both married and divorced badly and when we found eachother again it was like there had never been any other couple in the world that had what we had. Turns out when you stop being able to feed someone's ego for awhile because of other circumstances, Fate puts someone else in their path who decides she likes your life and wants it for herself. The rest is history. He was even willing to overlook the fact that she confessed that he was her THIRD affair in her ten-year marriage, and all covered in sparkly unicorn dust, he believed she would love him so much that she would be faithful to him, even though he was older than she and somewhat physically too disabled to keep up the party lifestyle she likes.
When it came down to choices, she demanded he leave me, I demanded only me or get out, he chose me, and has been busting his a$$ every day to bondo my heart back together. He knows I'm broken, and that kills him because he had always said I was tough.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> *She did want a LTR. She had separated from her H and had filed for D (they got back together, but he had a RA with his attorney)*


Ahh perfect justice lol Did the wife freak out? Are they still together?

Hope you find peace and happiness...


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

I don't know if she freaked out or not. They are still together.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> I don't know if she freaked out or not. They are still together.


The RA with the attorney made me actually laugh out loud..thanks for that...

So it seems to me your H's AP made her H plan B - why anyone would stay in those circumstances is beyond me...


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Too much of a coward to accept change, I would guess. Some people like living in their box no matter how tight it gets.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> The RA with the attorney made me actually laugh out loud..thanks for that...
> 
> So it seems to me your H's AP made her H plan B - why anyone would stay in those circumstances is beyond me...


From what I understand, he is a cuckold. He is very aware of her activities. He is x-military and is now a very high-level security officer with access to any level of surveillance the US can afford.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I wanted to resurrect this thread and add another question - did your WS come back to you after their AP threw them under the bus? Many couples who do reconcile - the AP would never really commit to a LTR with them..was that the situation in your case? If so are you secure in your R? I'd really like to hear from BS on these points....


CSS moved to cut her A off after I kicked her out (for a few days )
I was afraid mostly for her,the POS really is a POS.Me asking her if she wanted to come home for some
reason let her know how much I loved her.
Our kids wouldnt talk to her at first,everything was terrible.
Her A never got physical but she wanted to get to know her old hs bf better and date him,she actually asked
Me this.....um...NO!
It took me a couple months to track down his arrest record and credit history.
The guy lied about everything.....everything,semi-homeless and broke from his check
Being garnished for child support to car lots to rent and everything inbetween.
The POS blocked me from getting to his long term gf.
I found her address and mailed a letter,CSS had already been home for a month.
When I outed him her threw CSS under the bus REAL quick.
Said he met her in a bar and she was single (as if that would matter ),she went after him and many other lies.
We are pretty secure in our R but sometimes I feel like I want out.
I did not deserve this,we were in MC for month while she kept talking to him.
I'm glad I ruined his life.
After a years worth of disgusting calls and text to me he deserved it.
He broke up a couple other families also,he was looking for a piece of ass
a place to stay,car to drive and basically a life.
Sonetimes I wonder if we'll make it.
I cant believe my trade in was a homeless ex-con who wanted everything I worked my ass of for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Didn't at first but with him refusing to even change or do the heavy lifting or doing bare minimum for nearly 4 years even after my ultimatum of pull your sh-t together by end of summer or get out... Well he is now, plan a is divorce and be done with him. Stick a fork in me I'm more than done I'm a flicking burnt forgotten pork chop on a BBQ.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> From what I understand, he is a cuckold. He is very aware of her activities. He is x-military and is now a very high-level security officer with access to any level of surveillance the US can afford.


So he is afraid to leave her?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

calvin said:


> CSS moved to cut her A off after I kicked her out (for a few days )
> I was afraid mostly for her,the POS really is a POS.Me asking her if she wanted to come home for some
> reason let her know how much I loved her.
> Our kids wouldnt talk to her at first,everything was terrible.
> ...


Calvin I told you this on other threads - *YES you will make it*. CSS owned her sh!t and is really remorseful. You don't seem like her plan B to me...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

CantePe said:


> Didn't at first but with him refusing to even change or do the heavy lifting or doing bare minimum for nearly 4 years even after my ultimatum of pull your sh-t together by end of summer or get out... Well he is now, plan a is divorce and be done with him. Stick a fork in me I'm more than done I'm a flicking burnt forgotten pork chop on a BBQ.


Do you think he is still in touch with his AP?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I know he isn't. My previous bachelors is information tech. Plus I made sure he knew if he ever did it again I would make his life a living nightmare worse than hell itself and make sure the world would be there to witness it. I never stopped verifying and checking up on him in the last 4 yrs. 

He may have made me look stupid behind my back but I sure as sh-t ain't as stupid as he thought I was. Never piss off a tech savvy partner. Besides I pay all the bills, he wouldn't risk the internet he needs to work (digital deejay) or his ability to be mobile (vehicle insurance)

I make 4k a month, he doesn't even come close to a tenth of my income take home with his job. I put the fear of evil b-tch in him when I caught him 

ETA I also destroyed the AP life by sending all the evidence to her volunteer job, her pay for job, her in laws, husband and church and let him watch me do it with a flicking grin on my face too


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

CantePe said:


> I know he isn't. My previous bachelors is information tech. Plus I made sure he knew if he ever did it again I would make his life a living nightmare worse than hell itself and make sure the world would be there to witness it. I never stopped verifying and checking up on him in the last 4 yrs.
> 
> He may have made me look stupid behind my back but I sure as sh-t ain't as stupid as he thought I was. Never piss off a tech savvy partner. Besides I pay all the bills, he wouldn't risk the internet he needs to work (digital deejay) or his ability to be mobile (vehicle insurance)
> 
> ...


Nice - what was the fallout for the AP?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

The only thing I ever heard was from a "mutual" friend of theirs online screaming bloody murder that I ruined the fat heffers whole life. My best bet is sh-t hit the fan big time all around her. B-tch took my kids names and spoke them and demanded she be owed an explanation for NC all of a sudden. I laughed in her face virtually  That was a long while ago


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

CantePe said:


> The only thing I ever heard was from a "mutual" friend of theirs online screaming bloody murder that* I ruined the fat heffers whole life*. My best bet is sh-t hit the fan big time all around her. B-tch took my kids names and spoke them and demanded she be owed an explanation for NC all of a sudden. I laughed in her face virtually  That was a long while ago


The cheater script is the same everywhere - cheaters run their own marriages by cheating!! All you did was shine a little light on what she was doing to her husband & co.. Guess affairs dont look so good in the light of day...oh well...


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> So he is afraid to leave her?


From what I've been told, no, not afraid to leave her, but likes the facade? Having the whole illusion of the blended family. They both have their issues. He's a mean alcoholic and she's very needy and enjoys the drama of being a victim of his wrath and her childrens' disrespect. He protects her (even from me; she sent him into the grocery store when she saw my car parked in the lot) and she performs like a trained seal in social situations.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> I suppose I reconciled on that basis, Chris.
> 
> Not ideal but it has worked.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You may have mentioned this before, but does your wife feel it was necessary to do what she did and glad she did it?


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

Being plan B should not be the problem. Finding the plans weak spot is what counts. Make yourself someones plan A and the WS will upgrade you to A+ in no time.
Giving you the chance for revenge or domination.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> From what I've been told, no, not afraid to leave her, but likes the facade? Having the whole illusion of the blended family. They both have their issues. He's a mean alcoholic and she's very needy and enjoys the drama of being a victim of his wrath and her childrens' disrespect. He protects her (even from me; she sent him into the grocery store when she saw my car parked in the lot) and she performs like a trained seal in social situations.


I do not understand why anyone would put up with a serial cheater like that....it does sound like they both have their issues...*perhaps they deserve eachother*....


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Calvin I told you this on other threads - *YES you will make it*. CSS owned her sh!t and is really remorseful. You don't seem like her plan B to me...


I know Ts,sometimes it still gets to me though,if I was in her place
I'd want a chance to prove myself also.
No I'm not plan B and I have'nt felt that way in awhile.
I'm 100 times better than that POS in every way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

calvin said:


> I know Ts,sometimes it still gets to me though,if I was in her place
> I'd want a chance to prove myself also.
> No I'm not plan B and I have'nt felt that way in awhile.
> I'm 100 times better than that POS in every way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Calvin - the struggle is normal - but you both are hanging in there....you both love each other so much,,,,I'm praying for you both...


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Calvin - the struggle is normal - but you both are hanging in there....you both love each other so much,,,,I'm praying for you both...


Yep,we both do love each other,no doubt.
I got bits and parts of your story Ts,feel for you man.
I was much mor trying than mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

calvin said:


> Yep,we both do love each other,no doubt.
> I got bits and parts of your story Ts,feel for you man.
> I was much mor trying than mine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My story which I've told in bits and pieces involves me being the victim of infidelity in a LTR and having it ALL over my life - family, friends, coworkers - Calvin I have seen every angle - the damage done to the children of WS, a dying spouse agonizing in bed because her husband was cheating while she was dying - to a guy who had a gf for over 20 years and ONSs to boot(his poor wife had no clue!)! Now that is one LTA! I have experience I could have really done without...


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> My story which I've told in bits and pieces involves me being the victim of infidelity in a LTR and having it ALL over my life - family, friends, coworkers - Calvin I have seen every angle - the damage done to the children of WS, a dying spouse agonizing in bed because her husband was cheating while she was dying - to a guy who had a gf for over 20 years and ONSs to boot(his poor wife had no clue!)! Now that is one LTA! I have experience I could have really done without...


Sorry man,it was much more trying than mine,no comparrison actually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

calvin said:


> Sorry man,it was much more trying than mine,no comparrison actually.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually the one that effected my the most was not my own ex but the lady very close to me who died and on her death bed was still in pain over her husband's continuing infidelity...I was in my early twenties and saw her pain. Someone who spent much time by her death bed told me she confided in them of her continuing pain - as she lay dying she was in tears over her husband's continued cheating. I still can't shake that one....


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Actually the one that effected my the most was not my own ex but the lady very close to me who died and on her death bed was still in pain over her husband's continuing infidelity...I was in my early twenties and saw her pain. Someone who spent much time by her death bed told me she confided in them of her continuing pain - as she lay dying she was in tears over her husband's continued cheating. I still can't shake that one....


Wow, this is an example of how infidelity rocks a person to their soul with pain. So sad.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

NeverMore said:


> Wow, this is an example of how infidelity rocks a person to their soul with pain. So sad.


Yes..I loved this lady very much...to watch her die like she did (way before her time) was painful enough...this just added to the tragedy...*adultery is EVIL*..her husband was a notorious serial cheater and married his latest mistress about a year or so after her death...everyone knew...


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## kezins (Aug 25, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Hi, I was just wondering if any BS felt like their WS's plan B after reconciling? Do you feel they loved you like they did before or have they ever loved you? Do you feel yourself detaching even thogh you believed yourself to have reconciled?
> 
> It seems from my experience and from reading these boards the affair and its effects last a lifetime. I wonder how many BS just settle for a life with the WS or after reconciling begin to detach due to the damage that was done. It seems like the aftermath of the affair can last decades.


If someone cheats on you, then stays with you, it's likely because they thought it was some sort of advantage for them to say. I hate to be a jerk about it, but a cheater doesn't get hit in the head with a miracle one day and all of a sudden develop morals or character. Most people's morals and character are fully developed early in their 20s.

Sometimes there's a good reason to stay together for the person who was cheated on, but they'd be foolish to ever blindly trust the person again even if tons of time goes bye. These are the times you have to transition into a life where you watch your own back.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

kezins said:


> If someone cheats on you, then stays with you, it's likely because they thought it was some sort of advantage for them to say. I hate to be a jerk about it, but a cheater doesn't get hit in the head with a miracle one day and all of a sudden develop morals or character. Most people's morals and character are fully developed early in their 20s.
> 
> Sometimes there's a good reason to stay together for the person who was cheated on, but they'd be foolish to ever blindly trust the person again even if tons of time goes bye. These are the times you have to transition into a life where you watch your own back.


Are you in the process of a divorce?


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## Erebus (Aug 12, 2013)

Yep, I feel like Plan B. WW isn't showing much remorse, if at all. It does stay with you, like an evil spirit in the unused room. I don't think a lot of WS understand the devastation. At least mine doesn't.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Erebus said:


> Yep, I feel like Plan B. WW isn't showing much remorse, if at all. It does stay with you, like an evil spirit in the unused room. *I don't think a lot of WS understand the devastation. At least mine doesn'*t.


Unless the WS gets betrayed they do not - they devastate a BS that is not equaled by any other perceived shortcoming on the part of the BS. It's the equivalent of using a nuclear weapon to resolve a trade dispute....


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