# Looking for a womans perspective....



## J needs help (May 17, 2009)

Hi I'm looking for some possible help and insight. My wife and I have been married for 4 years. Before we got married I had concerns of her lack of giving and receving affection and sexual desire towards me. Also before we got married I expressed my concerns to her and she told me basically not to worry that she would make my concern go away. Anyhow I guess I wanted to believe her because I really did love her. 

From the start our marriage was rocky for various reasons. Over that last year now we've been separated. I have wanted to pack it in and wanted to try to work it out, I'm all over the map. One of contributing factors for that is, I have two young children involved whom I love dearly and want the best for them.

One of my major issues with her is lack of affection and sex. Not only giving but receiving it from me. For instance sex/affection only happens when she initiates it. When it comes to sex her reasoning is that she has a lower libido okay I get that. 

Via Text - the other day I ask why again does she pull away if I try to be affectionate. I also stated why is it okay only if she initiates affection. I then told her simply I don't want to live like that for the rest of my life. I was very clear to her before we got married sex and affection is extremely important to me.

She responded to my text message:

"You just made me cry! That's a good thing  I have been trying to answer that question all morning as to why intimacy is only okay when initiate it and I don't have a good answer for you except for that I like control too much. I love you and I want you and I don't do a good job at showing it and I'm so sorry!"

Then tonight we went out tonight and I tried to kiss her twice. She pulled back both times. I asked her why she couldn't let me kiss her and why she held back. She said she didn't have a good answer. What ? HUH? But then at the end of the night she wanted to kiss me HUH? What?

I dont get it? Is she that much into control or is she really uncomfortable of my affection towards her? I'm so lost and confused. 

So if any one woman or man could share some thoughts with me for I'm lost and confused. Thanks greatly Appreciated.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I think both men and women will tell you she is into the control. When she does show affection what is happening before it?


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## J needs help (May 17, 2009)

When she shows affection what is happening before it? Nothing it is sporadic. I almost get the sense it has something to do with how she is feeling emotionally at the time. For instance last night we went to the movies as I parked the car I leaned over to kiss her and pull her close to me yet she was pulling away from me. I tried this again 10 minutes later and she did the same. I asked what is the problem. She told me then she didn't have a good answer. Then after the movie we went for a drive parked the car talked and then she wanted to kiss me??? Is this strange? I'm confused. Maybe I'm just too affectionate and want show the love that I feel all of the time? I'm all out of answers ..


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

was she raped or something in her past? she sure seems like a cold fish..

maybe she grew up in a overly religious family?

is she older ( 50 plus) and maybe going through menapuse?


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## J needs help (May 17, 2009)

That's a good question. I'm sure no would be the answer to, as if she has been raped. That's funny my mom wonder about that too if she had been molested or raped. I don't think she has been. Church - yes she has been raised in the church however if she wants when she do have sex she can get nasty in a good way. So I don't think church is the answer but maybe. She is only 33.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

just so you know
a woman who is 33 can be in menapause.

If she had her ovaries removed for any reason or they don't work.

back on topic:
she sounds like she has some serious mental issues with sex. Could be how she was raised to believe and think about sex. Sounds as if she thinks of it as a weapon maybe... not sure. All I can say is... something is very wrong there.
Maybe she was raped as a child or pre-teen or something.. maybe incest. It's a very sad thing she is not able to fully enjoy her sexuality within a commited relationship. If she can't do that.. I don't know what to say !


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Refusing sex or affection was also my wife's way of using control. But it will ALWAYS backfire. It leads to you being angry - if you are angry she feels compelled to withhold sex and affection - which in turn makes you angrier.

The best answer that my wife eventually gave me was that she 'had no idea' why she felt threatened, or needed to use sex like a weapon and exercise control. In trying to simply go with it, over the course of years, it got worse. I consistently asked her to address the issue with her doctor - I would then have to pull out of her whether or not she actually had even mentioned it. Basically, she short-sold the problem. Either she never told them what was going on, or she had the most callous doctors imaginable. Suggest that she addresses the issue with her ob/gyn and a mental health professional - with or without you. 

If she chooses to avoid, minimize, or worse - make it about you (my wife did this on numerous occasions) then you need to think about consequences, whether you move out, choose to divorce, whatever. Given the choice, my wife would never address the problem - she would rather avoid it, which is fine - as long as I am not part of the relationship.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

She has control issues.

I'm normally never the type that says "give them some of their own medicine" in a marriage, but this time I think it would help.

Pull away from her when she goes to give you affection, and don't back down...even just one time should show her how it feels.

I was upset at my wife for turning me down a couple nights in a row a few years ago, so when she came to me, I turned her down. I wasn't callous or mean, just kind of pulled the "not in the mood". It was the first and only time in our 9.5 years of marriage I turned her down.

She cried for an hour, but she honestly hardly ever turns me down anymore...if she does now its honestly a real headache or something...


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

revitalizedhusband said:


> She has control issues.
> 
> I'm normally never the type that says "give them some of their own medicine" in a marriage, but this time I think it would help.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Maybe if she is made to feel the same rejection, she will think twice about it next time.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sprite said:


> :iagree: Maybe if she is made to feel the same rejection, she will think twice about it next time.


Thats a good point, although witholding sex wouldn't be the answer. The problem with this is it leads to games...

but it would work, short term, very well too.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds to me like she needs time to "warm up." If she has some issue in her past (which is possible), then being taken off guard by your behavior might be a bit threatening to her. Try giving her some advance notice, like "Hey, just so you know, in about 10 minutes I'm going to come over there and smooch with you for 2 minutes." see if it helps. Certainly encourage her to seek counseling as to why she pulls back, too. That might be very helpful. I don't think it is control, but I could be wrong--and game playing is never right.


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## J needs help (May 17, 2009)

Thanks for all the replies. In the past I`ve tried to do the reverse and pull back. It doesn`t seem to hit home and have any sort of everlasting effect. Also then it becomes a game and I don`t have time or energy for that. She is counseling and has yet to bring this issue up with her counselor... That is strange isn`t it.... it`s almost if she is avoiding the issue all together... She is going today to see her counselor and said she would talk about it with him. In the past we`ve gone through 2 different counselors and now we are going to see a counselor that deals with Marriage issues.... 

I may try this advance warning of affection but to be honest I`m not looking for a robot I want someone to want me and want me to touch them.. Is that really to much to ask.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

J I may try this advance warning of affection but to be honest I`m not looking for a robot I want someone to want me and want me to touch them.. Is that really to much to ask.[/QUOTE said:


> You need to understand that IF she has a history of sexual trauma (which may be repressed), this is not at all about you--she's not reacting to you, she's reacting to something from her past.
> 
> You are also perfectly within your rights, however, to ask her if she's just not that into you. It's possible--and she owes you an honest answer. But don't ask unless you want an answer. Make sure she knows it is ok to be honest, that you would rather know than continue as you are. If she says she loves you and wants you and doesn't know why she responds like that, then make sure she understands you expect her to explore this in counseling and to get back to you about it within a reasonable time frame--a few months, perhaps as many as 6 months, but set some timetable. Don't threaten--just make sure she knows how important an answer is to you and that her failure to pursue the matter in counseling IS an answer, to which you will then have to decide how to respond.
> 
> Good luck. You are a good man for trying to help her through this, but you need to look out for yourself, too.


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## J needs help (May 17, 2009)

Thanks for your reply Sister 359. I did ask her again. She said she was being honest with me and she said she has not been raped nor molested. So I'm going to leave that alone. I guess what's got me is she knew that I had a high sex drive and was extremely affectionate person (which doesn't mean it has to lead to sex) Before we got married I brought these concerns to her attention. She told me that she would be able to my needs. So after 4months of marriage we were in counseling and I was dealing with this issue. 

Do you think woman say anything to get married? Then after they think you won't leave? It just burns me as to why she would want to marry me when obviously she wasn't going to meet my needs? Sometimes I feel like I've been played ..... I guess only time will tell. 

She saw her counselor yesterday and told me that she had answers for my questions? So tonight were going to talk about that. Now if she comes back with oh I need time I have a lower libido blah blah then what do I say cause that is only the sex part. I still want affection ability to give and receive. Sometimes I think she is really scared to be honest cause she doesn't want me to leave.... Only time will tell ... thanks for you feedback and I ideas its greatly appreciated. I will post back in the morning or at night after my discussion with her.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Interesting. It's good that you are communicating about this subject...that's positive. 

If she hasn't been sexually abused then perhaps her personality enjoys/needs the control.

Will she allow you to show affection any other way? Such as hand holding, massage, neck rubs, etc.


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## J needs help (May 17, 2009)

Yes she allows holding hands and massages. Yes I believe it is a control issue. My problem is that I don't think she can relinquish that control. All I want is passion. I want her to want me. I want her to embrace my love and I don't think she really wants too unless she has control of the situation. What i don't get is she has great orgasms and it doesn't take her long to climax and there are so many positive things about having sex. So why wouldn't she want that feeling if it's relaxing and makes her feel good? 

I understand men are from mars and women are from venus. I think she is really only interested in having sex once a month. I dont think I want that for a lifetime. Maybe I'm the problem I do have a high sex drive and I made it clear before we married sex/affection were very important to me. I even stressed this concern before we got married and she told me not to worry. 

So really and truly after 5 years I guess at this point what I see is what I'm going to get... So maybe that's it. My mistake was marrying in faith and hope that this part of our relationship would improve..... Oh well I guess right ?


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