# Is this Financially Controlling?



## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Hi again...

Today I called my husband as I was leaving work. I proposed we work out together and then afterwards we would go out to dinner, because last night he had mentioned taking me out someplace.

His response was that we stay in and he'll cook me a meal instead, and he's really been planning this for a while and this is what he really wants to do...

Which, hey, I am behind that idea. He's making an effort to be romantic, and I can appreciate that. But it seems like every time we're going to do something that may cost money (even small amounts) he freaks out. Or he suddenly wants to do something frugal. And it seems like these sudden bursts of frugality are always disguised as things he "was planning all day".

I'm not a spendthrift. I am a fan of budgeting and low-cost fun. This isn't me asking him to take me to a 5-star dinner or whirlwind night on the town every week. This is me asking to go to Olive Garden or equivalent twice a month. Or asking to get a discounted ticket for a local attraction.

And we aren't hurting financially. I'm active duty and make a decent paycheck, he gets the GI Bill (which, since I pay for all the bills and the house, is completely free to go to whatever we want). But every time I suggest we budget his income he's very against it. I tried to ask him to help me with repayment of our credit card/loans and showed him a spreadsheet of how much his GI Bill would help us - by myself, I can have everything paid off by late spring 2015. With his help, it could be done by summer next year.

But he's stubborn. He insists he's not comfortable with budgeting more than 200 dollars (of his 2100 from GI Bill) towards bills. I don't see how this is a problem...?

I have been planning a vacation at the end of the year for MONTHS. Saving my money, saving my leave days so I can see my family and my best friend's new baby. He dropped on me that his friend in Texas is getting married a few days before my birthday so he's going to Texas and we may not be able to afford my vacation. Him cutting his trip short or not going was never an option, but my trip is.

The long and short of this is: I feel put upon. I basically have no fun money (I'm paying all the bills) and he isn't willing to help. He'll throw me a bone occasionally (paying part of one bill here and there) but overall I feel like his GI Bill is "his" fun money and I'm just stuck here watching him blow it all on whatever he wants! 

Every time I mention something that's important but will cost money it's vetoed. Our dog is almost 2 and not neutered because it's not important enough (oh, and he has aggression issues, but training is too expensive and we don't have the time for it). Our couch is broken but we don't need a new one apparently. Our bed doesn't have a bedframe and is literally a borrowed mattress sitting on the floor. Our silverware is breaking as we use it. It seems like his idea of saving money is we never spend it, buy as cheap as possible, and just use things until they fall apart, whereas mine is to spend more one time and have something of quality that we can maintain. I can't afford all these things on my own, I really need his help.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

“He does not contrite his fair share to the household bills.
He will not help pay credit/loans.
He says that he’s going to a wedding and so you (we) cannot afford your vacation.”

After tuition, fees and books, all of his GI Bill and financial aid should go into a joint account with your pay. Then the bills are paid. Some savings put aside. What’s let two of you split 50/50 so you each have equal spending money.

Yes it financial abuse. He’s using you financially and controlling what you do by withholding community income from you.

He’s also not being a very loving husband in other ways. 

Why are you still with him?


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I love him. I really do. I just don't know what this is. Maybe he's afraid of me controlling the money? Or he thinks I'll blow all his GI Bill on frivolities? But I'm not a frivolous person and he knows that...

It may be he just doesn't want me to spend the money on the things I'd like to spend money on. And I'm not sure how to get past that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> I love him. I really do. I just don't know what this is. Maybe he's afraid of me controlling the money? Or he thinks I'll blow all his GI Bill on frivolities? But I'm not a frivolous person and he knows that...
> 
> It may be he just doesn't want me to spend the money on the things I'd like to spend money on. And I'm not sure how to get past that.


He does not help you pay the bills. He is using you to support him. And then his money is play money.

It does not matter if you love him. He’s talking advantage of you and you are letting him do it.

He is spending his money on frivolous things. Don’t you get some frivolous money to spend out of your money?


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

We had a talk this weekend. It was a painful one, but I managed to get from him he was feeling like I wanted to just regulate "his" money, not "mine". He also disliked my semantics - calling the frivolous money "fun money".

What I did was get a fat notebook - they're like 99 cents - and write everything down. All the bills, all the transfers to savings. After that, I circled the leftover number and divided it by 2. That was our frivolous money. This notebook is centrally located in the house within easy reach so either of us can look at it at any time and see where our money is going. That helped a lot.

When I explained that I want to budget ALL the money, not just his, he was fine with it. And he definitely is enjoying having some fun money - oops, "whatever" money, he prefers that terminology - to spend, rather than having to count spare change.

I anticipate some friction when it comes to budgeting my paycheck (as there will be less "fun money" on my paycheck vs. on his because of the way the bills are split up) but so far we were able to talk about it and get past it.

You know, although this forum has been a wonderful resource, and I do enjoy talking to people on it, I don't know that the initial response of "it's financial abuse, why are you with him" would have been helpful had I not already had a plan in place to talk with my husband. I can see that response being detrimental to a poster that might not know what to do and might be genuinely feeling lost and unsure. I'm trying not to word this in a way that sounds like a personal attack because it really isn't. I've noticed it on other threads with other posters as well.


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## celeste (Apr 3, 2013)

I think I would call that controlling to a point. Why are you left to pay all the household bills? Those should be split between you, to leave you your own "whatever" money. 

And your vacation should not have been cast aside because he placed his plans above yours. 

Sounds like you had a decent conversation about it. Hope the situation continues to improve. Do they offer any financial planning classes on base that you two could take together? Might help to keep you both on the same page.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> You know, although this forum has been a wonderful resource, and I do enjoy talking to people on it, I don't know that the initial response of "it's financial abuse, why are you with him" would have been helpful had I not already had a plan in place to talk with my husband. I can see that response being detrimental to a poster that might not know what to do and might be genuinely feeling lost and unsure. I'm trying not to word this in a way that sounds like a personal attack because it really isn't. I've noticed it on other threads with other posters as well.


You asked if his actions were financially controlling. That's your thread title. Yes, they are. 

We would assume that, before posting on TAM, you had already discussed your financial situation with your husband, especially the bills and expenses, savings, how to allocate your combined income, but had failed in convincing him to see the big picture. I wouldn't expect you to post here before talking with him. :scratchhead:

So, yes, that leaves us with the conclusion that he isn't interested in working with you on the finances or contributing anything to your combined bills, but leaving it all up to you to support the lifestyle he wants, plus his "whatever" money which was all his and not yours. Usually when one person doesn't want to contribute, they're being selfish and questions arise as to why you're with someone like that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> You know, although this forum has been a wonderful resource, and I do enjoy talking to people on it, I don't know that the initial response of "it's financial abuse, why are you with him" would have been helpful had I not already had a plan in place to talk with my husband. I can see that response being detrimental to a poster that might not know what to do and might be genuinely feeling lost and unsure.
> 
> I'm trying not to word this in a way that sounds like a personal attack because it really isn't. I've noticed it on other threads with other posters as well.


Before making the statement I gave you a potential solution for getting him to work with you financially. 

Your original post is a list of very negative behaviors on the part of your husband. If that’s all there is then it does make a person wonder why you are still with him when you are so unhappy. It’s a legitimate question.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> We had a talk this weekend. It was a painful one, but I managed to get from him he was feeling like I wanted to just regulate "his" money, not "mine". He also disliked my semantics - calling the frivolous money "fun money".
> 
> What I did was get a fat notebook - they're like 99 cents - and write everything down. All the bills, all the transfers to savings. After that, I circled the leftover number and divided it by 2. That was our frivolous money. This notebook is centrally located in the house within easy reach so either of us can look at it at any time and see where our money is going. That helped a lot.
> 
> ...


I hope this is the start of the two of you working as a team on finances.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Say what? He gets 2100/month and expects YOU to pay all the bills?

If you've already told him you expect him to cover half the expenses, and he refuses, tell him to either put his check in with yours or move out.

In a nice way, of course.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Are you really happy with a parent child relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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