# Grandkids always come first



## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

My girlfriend has been separated for over 3 years. She wants me to date her exclusively but I must understand that her kids and grandkids' needs will always come first. I like her a lot but I realize that she seems to prefer babysitting over spending time with me. Her husband of over 36 years has cheated on her so they are going through a lengthy divorce. 

I am also divorced but have no children of my own. We are both in our mid 50's. I feel like a sideline act only to be available when she is free from babysitting her daughters two kids. 

She claims that she really feels that I am a good match for her. However, I feel like I am a second or third string player on the team waiting for my chance to get in the game.

Am I being selfish for thinking that this is unfair. Let's face it, I am not getting any younger, and I am sure there will be more grandchildren to come.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

This is a touchy subject. Even if she agrees to not putting the grandchildren first, it's like asking a heroin addict if they can only use sparingly. 
Some people can't get enough of their kids/grandkids and others could care less.
I think it's up to you to decide whether you can deal with it or not because in my opinion your girlfriend means what she says and cannot/will not change.

It's a small price to pay if you think you are a good match. Even grandkids grow up fast. Before you know it, they won't need "babysitting" and certainly will not choose their grandmother over their friends.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Well, you may be a good match for her (according to her), but it doesn't sound like she is a good match for you since she is not ready or willing to make you a priority.

Maybe just date casually and see if things progress the way you would like them to? Otherwise, I would keep looking. It's no fun to be second fiddle to someone else's priorities when they don't match your own.

And no, you're not being selfish. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

if its a deal breaker then time to move on.

But I would say maybe its perfect. you get to have some time for yourself doing your hobbies and interests and then still have a companion when things line up.

if your looking for someone to spend gobs of time with and don't want to be baby sitting all the time then look for some one who doesn't feel like their kids and grandkids are the most important thing in the world.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> My girlfriend has been separated for over 3 years. She wants me to date her exclusively but I must understand that her kids and grandkids' needs will always come first. I like her a lot but I realize that she seems to prefer babysitting over spending time with me. Her husband of over 36 years has cheated on her so they are going through a lengthy divorce.
> 
> I am also divorced but have no children of my own. We are both in our mid 50's. I feel like a sideline act only to be available when she is free from babysitting her daughters two kids.
> 
> ...


This is one of those situations where neither of you are in the wrong. 

Can't blame her for prioritizing her flesh and blood. At the same time you can't be blamed for not liking the situation. 

If you feel that time is not on your side and you need to find someone asap, move one. Sounds like she is a good woman, but the timing is bad.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's good that she is being clear with you. It's important to discuss what you are wanting from her. 

If you are willing to accept things as they are.....stay.

If it's not something you wish for....go and date another.

Some woman have difficulties with priorities in relationships and neglect their partner for the kids. She may be one.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> My girlfriend has been separated for over 3 years. She wants me to date her exclusively but I must understand that her kids and grandkids' needs will always come first. I like her a lot but I realize that she seems to prefer babysitting over spending time with me. Her husband of over 36 years has cheated on her so they are going through a lengthy divorce.
> 
> I am also divorced but have no children of my own. We are both in our mid 50's. I feel like a sideline act only to be available when she is free from babysitting her daughters two kids.
> 
> ...


*No, you are not being selfish in the least! Any steadfast relationship between a potentially committed couple must always have an element of some "give and take!"

If she really cares anything about you, she will unselfishly make the time for you!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its very hard for someone with mo children or grandchildren to understand what it is to have them and the joy they bring you. She has been honest with you, so I guess that you have to decide if you can live with that.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Kuddos for her for putting her priorities in the right place. Because I have no siblings, I could put the relationship first. Unfortunately, I don't know how long I can last as a sideline act. She wants me to tell her every day how important she is to me. I am struggling.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Figure out your priorities and don't expect her to change her hers.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You need to come first. Time to dump this woman.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Am I unreasonable?


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

She is angry with me because on one of the evenings that she didn't have to babysit, I was not feeling well. She had hurt feelings because I did not come over.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

She isn't ready to date especially seriously. You need to find someone who is ready and let her finish up with her past


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

If you don't want to become second or third in line then move on. She isn't the one for you. She will always have her children and grandchildren. Men in her life come and go and she is still hurt and angry over her husband cheating on her. Can you just casually date her and other women? It sound like she isn't ready to settle down anyway as she isn't even divorced yet.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

If its not working for you -then it's not working. I mean -she IS still married -not yet divorced....there is always the chance that she will return to her husband. 

As for the Kids...They eat up a HUGE amount of your time and attention. My wife and I don't have grandkids of our own yet...but have some adopted ones...So i get it. The little ones are important. They are time and attention consuming (In a very fun and rewarding way)..BUT as this isn't something you want to share with her. Maybe it's just not a good match for you. 

Some people love kids and spending time with them...some don't. That doesn't make you wrong or a bad person....just different than her in a substantial way. 

At least she was upfront with you on this so that you can make your choice. 

But.....have you tried spending time with her and the kids? They really are a ton of fun.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

She does not want to date casually. She wants to date exclusively. She dated another man before me while separated and he ended up cheating on her. She has trust issues understandably. She claims she is far removed emotionally from her husband and would never take him back. I don't know why it is almost 3.5 years of separation since her kids are married adults themselves so there is no child support to fight over.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You come across as immature to me. For one thing, one does not 'babysit' their own flesh and blood. I love stealing my grandson from my daughter and doing stuff with him. To call what grandparents do 'babysitting' shows right there where your attitude lies.

I agree that it doesn't sound like you and she are on the same page when it comes to life's priorities.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You come across as immature to me. For one thing, one does not 'babysit' their own flesh and blood. I love stealing my grandson from my daughter and doing stuff with him. To call what grandparents do 'babysitting' shows right there where your attitude lies.
> 
> I agree that it doesn't sound like you and she are on the same page when it comes to life's priorities.


Really! I am sorry that you feel that I am immature. I am here to get help regarding my issue, not get ridiculed. Excuse me for not knowing the proper protocol when it comes to caring for grandchildren rather than using the term "babysitting". Hey Hope 1964, why do you bother responding to my post? If I had the answers to my situation, I would not be here searching for help. Do not judge others lest you be judged yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

goldstandard said:


> She wants me to tell her every day how important she is to me. I am struggling.


I would think so, if you have to keep stroking her ego.

Let her go.

Plenty of fish in the sea.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> Really! I am sorry that you feel that I am immature. I am here to get help regarding my issue, not get ridiculed. Excuse me for not knowing the proper protocol when it comes to caring for grandchildren rather than using the term "babysitting". Hey Hope 1964, why do you bother responding to my post? If I had the answers to my situation, I would not be here searching for help. Do not judge others lest you be judged yourself.


Also Hope1964, since I never had children of my own, how am I suppose to know that grandparents don't babysit their flesh and blood. Thanks for making me feel worse.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> She is angry with me because on one of the evenings that she didn't have to babysit, I was not feeling well. She had hurt feelings because I did not come over.



Ah Ha, 
That's what I was waiting for. She needs to understand deep into her core person, that she is the same priority to you as you are to her. If your team has a game one night you aren't available, no questions. If you are fishing one night you aren't available, no questions. If you have a date with someone else one night you are not available, not even a questioning look. Until she understands that all the way to her toes, you will be a spare handbag. Nothing more.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

LOL I rest my case.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> Really! I am sorry that you feel that I am immature. I am here to get help regarding my issue, not get ridiculed. Excuse me for not knowing the proper protocol when it comes to caring for grandchildren rather than using the term "babysitting". Hey Hope 1964, why do you bother responding to my post? If I had the answers to my situation, I would not be here searching for help. Do not judge others lest you be judged yourself.


One more thing Hope1964. I made a conscious decision not to bring an innocent child into a bad marriage when my marriage was going south years ago. There are a lot of couples that have children without planning. There are a lot of couples that are not good parents. From what I gather, you are in a successful marriage, and you are successful parent. I am happy for you. I guess I don't understand why you spend time on this forum judging people like myself because we are less fortunate than you. I wish I had children. It was not in God's plan. You struck a nerve.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Ah Ha,
> That's what I was waiting for. She needs to understand deep into her core person, that she is the same priority to you as you are to her. If your team has a game one night you aren't available, no questions. If you are fishing one night you aren't available, no questions. If you have a date with someone else one night you are not available, not even a questioning look. Until she understands that all the way to her toes, you will be a spare handbag. Nothing more.


So, based on your logic, if I was not feeling well, as mentioned above, I still should have gone over to see her. Really?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Never make someone a priority when all you are is an option to them.

Her husband cheated, then the boyfriend cheated. Sounds to me like she's leaving a stack of neglected men in her wake. If she keeps prioritizing everyone but her man, then she can expect the same outcome.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> So, based on your logic, if I was not feeling well, as mentioned above, I still should have gone over to see her. Really?


Not at all, you totally misunderstood his post. 

She wants to blow you off most of the time but have you hop to it when she has 3 spare hours - not equal. If she wants to hold you at arms length to the schedule of her offspring she needs to understand and accept when you have other things to do as well...


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

goldstandard said:


> So, based on your logic, if I was not feeling well, as mentioned above, I still should have gone over to see her. Really?


Zing! That one went totally over your head.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Mclane said:


> Zing! That one went totally over your head.


Your point?


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

anonmd said:


> Not at all, you totally misunderstood his post.
> 
> She wants to blow you off most of the time but have you hop to it when she has 3 spare hours - not equal. If she wants to hold you at arms length to the schedule of her offspring she needs to understand and accept when you have other things to do as well...


Thank you. I appreciate you explaining that to me.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> My girlfriend has been separated for over 3 years. She wants me to date her exclusively but I must understand that her kids and grandkids' needs will always come first. I like her a lot but I realize that she seems to prefer babysitting over spending time with me. Her husband of over 36 years has cheated on her so they are going through a lengthy divorce.
> 
> I am also divorced but have no children of my own. We are both in our mid 50's. I feel like a sideline act only to be available when she is free from babysitting her daughters two kids.
> 
> ...


Yeah, you're being selfish and immature. Go find another woman.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> Really! I am sorry that you feel that I am immature. I am here to get help regarding my issue, not get ridiculed. Excuse me for not knowing the proper protocol when it comes to caring for grandchildren rather than using the term "babysitting". Hey Hope 1964, why do you bother responding to my post? If I had the answers to my situation, I would not be here searching for help. Do not judge others lest you be judged yourself.


So you ask the question "am I being selfish?" but get all bent-out-of-shape when someone gives you an answer you don't like? As has been pointed out, your response proves the point.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> So, based on your logic, if I was not feeling well, as mentioned above, I still should have gone over to see her. Really?


Absolutely not Gold,
I'm sorry for the confusion. She is demanding more from you than she is willing to give. She wants you always on call, in an exclusive relationship, so that whenever she just happens to be bored she can call you. Like a spare handbag hanging in her closet that she uses only for church.

My logic could be interpreted to say that you should give her as much priority as you want. And if you see it that way, then would you ask her to come over if she was sick? I'm making a tiny assumption here but I think that you would see that as a perfectly reasonable excuse and wish her well and a speedy recovery. My logic is simply the Golden Rule, " do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

What you want is for her to spend time with you on a regular basis. Every weekend you want to date her. You might want dinners together during the week. But She has informed you that if anything in this huge area of her life comes up, you are back hanging in the closet until the planets align. 

She is keeping you as a secure plan B. That is not a romantic relationship. She may think it is because of her past. But you know that it is not satisfactory. 

She is not treating you the way she wants to be treated. She wants you to be always available, and in return she is sometimes available. And for some reason she thinks this is OK. 

Now what I have advised is that you not be any more available than she is. If you want to be exclusive (and I think you do) that is fine and she will appreciate it. But she has a lot of her life that she doesn't let you into. You need your own life to fill in those gaps. Sports, hobbies, work, interests, whatever. As a side benefit these will make you more attractive and interesting. When she is told no from time to time, she will, or at least should, come to appreciate when you say Yes. If she doesn't then she is egocentric and likely narcissistic. 

When you do say Yes make sure she understands that you are choosing time with her over something important to you. 

Your relationship is on very unequal ground right now. It doesn't look good from the outside. The huge important priority in her life is something you don't understand or value.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

goldstandard said:


> Your point?


That if she cared as much about you, she would have come over to take care of YOU.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

goldstandard said:


> Your point?


No point, just an observation. Its interesting that you totally misunderstood it, it wasn't that confusing.

You really don't need to be wasting your time with a woman who is 1) still married 2) prioritizes her grandchildren over a significant other and 3) is rather inflexible and uncaring when it comes to your needs.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

drifter777 said:


> Yeah, you're being selfish and immature. Go find another woman.


How is he being selfish and immature? His gf is the one who's being selfish. Her kids are grown and cannot expect her to be at their beck and call to babysit (yes grandparents babysit) their kids!

He doesn't want to be at the bottom of the priority list - I think that's more than reasonable.

I guess my husband and I are both selfish and immature too then - we both expect each other and our marriage to be top priority.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> LOL I rest my case.


You find it amusing and entertaining when someone who comes to this forum asking for help, reacts defensively to your accusatory and insulting posts.

That says a lot about you and it's nothing good.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> You come across as immature to me. For one thing, one does not 'babysit' their own flesh and blood. I love stealing my grandson from my daughter and doing stuff with him. To call what grandparents do 'babysitting' shows right there where your attitude lies.
> 
> I agree that it doesn't sound like you and she are on the same page when it comes to life's priorities.


Well, I used the word "babysit" to descibe my unsupervised time with my nice and nephew. Oh dear, my bad.

Also, I'm not sure anyone would describe grandchildren as flesh and blood. Relatives, yes, but remember that grandchild did not come out of that grandmother.

(this is what you get when you quibble over semantics.)


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Goldstandard, I would not put up wit this woman. 

This is the equivalent of a 20 something claiming that she is not looking for anything serious RIGHT NOW, but you two could be (special) friends. Just wait until this woman finds a guy who says "my way or the highway" and she complies....... while you played by her rules all that (other) time.

If you are looking for a partner who wants to share with the joy of grandparenting when suits both of your schedule that's great. But you don't want someone who thinks that your time is hers to direct.

I sometimes get annoyed with friends who don't want you to call them whether during the day or the evening due to their normal family requirements but then think nothing of calling you whenever they feel like it, Hmmm. I may not have children but my time is still valuable.

Lots of things don't sound right about this woman. She's still legally married. Shoe chose wrong on two occasions and now trying to make you suffer the results. And then using her grandchildren as an excuse to keep you on hold........ 

Don't fall for it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

goldstandard said:


> My girlfriend has been separated for over 3 years. *She wants me to date her exclusively but I must understand that her kids and grandkids' needs will always come first.* I like her a lot but I realize that she seems to prefer babysitting over spending time with me. Her husband of over 36 years has cheated on her so they are going through a lengthy divorce.


I would like to know HOW she spoke this to you?? How black & white did she make this sound.. and how YOU responded to it ?? 

Does she have a regular schedule to watch them while her daughter works or is this a case of : if Daughter calls her, needs her, or grandchildren call / need her ... she JUMPS.. even if she had plans with you??

If that is the case.. I'd walk away/ No "RUN"!... she is not considerate of you or a growing relationship, what that entails...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The guy asked for our opinions so I gave him mine. Just because it isn't what he wanted to hear doesn't mean I'm wrong. Or right. 

If people don't want our opinions then maybe they shouldn't ask for them.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

its funny. lots of women say my kids come first or my grand kids come first. and then they are surprised when no men want to date them.

lots of marriages end because of women with this attitude. when in reality the husband and wife should put their relationship first because the children would benefit the most from a stable secure family instead of putting them first. wich could actually make the marriage fail.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

turnera said:


> That if she cared as much about you, she would have come over to take care of YOU.


Thanks Nail. I appreciate your help. I fully understand.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

frusdil said:


> How is he being selfish and immature? His gf is the one who's being selfish. Her kids are grown and cannot expect her to be at their beck and call to babysit (yes grandparents babysit) their kids!
> 
> He doesn't want to be at the bottom of the priority list - I think that's more than reasonable.
> 
> I guess my husband and I are both selfish and immature too then - we both expect each other and our marriage to be top priority.


Thanks Frusdil.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> its funny. lots of women say my kids come first or my grand kids come first. and then they are surprised when no men want to date them.
> 
> lots of marriages end because of women with this attitude. when in reality the husband and wife should put their relationship first because the children would benefit the most from a stable secure family instead of putting them first. wich could actually make the marriage fail.


Why should a woman who is DATING a man put him before her family??????

Do we know how long these two have been dating?

I would love to hear from this woman and see what she has to say about this. I highly doubt the way this guy feels is all because of the way she treats him.

The truth is bound to be somewhere in the middle.

One thing I agree with everyone else about - you and she do not belong together.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

frusdil said:


> How is he being selfish and immature? His gf is the one who's being selfish. Her kids are grown and cannot expect her to be at their beck and call to babysit (yes grandparents babysit) their kids!
> 
> He doesn't want to be at the bottom of the priority list - I think that's more than reasonable.
> 
> I guess my husband and I are both selfish and immature too then - we both expect each other and our marriage to be top priority.


If they were married - sure, I totally agree with you. But they're DATING. And we don't even know for how long.

I'd really like to know how old this relationship is.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> Why should a woman who is DATING a man put him before her family??????
> 
> Do we know how long these two have been dating?
> 
> ...


she should put herself first and if finding a man to grow old with then she should put that first. or decide that shes might not find a guy who want a bunch of grand kid drama


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> The guy asked for our opinions so I gave him mine. Just because it isn't what he wanted to hear doesn't mean I'm wrong. Or right.
> 
> If people don't want our opinions then maybe they shouldn't ask for them.


You are right. I guess with over 7,000 posts and a successful life, your opinion should be weighed heavily. Maybe I was offended by the fact that you think I am immature. Apparently I need to reevaluate my attitude. I'm sure if I had children of my own, I would respect more of where she is coming from. I told her I thought maybe she deserved better than me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> she should put herself first and if finding a man to grow old with then she should put that first. or decide that shes might not find a guy who want a bunch of grand kid drama


Seriously?!?!?!

From what this guy says we have NO clue where this woman is coming from. NO clue. And why does she need a man to grow old with?? I would rather grow old with my kids and grandkids than with 99.9999999999% of the men on this planet.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

The problem started on Monday. I had agreed many months back that when she had to care for the kids, I would either find something else to do or stay home and tend to myself. I was fine with that and grew accustomed to that. Monday night, she usually works out at the gym and we do not see one another. She had to care for the kids instead of going to the gym. By the time she finished up caring for the kids, I was winding down and ready for bed. I texted her and told her I am very tired from a long day at work. She texted me back and I guess was offended because she wanted me to come over and spend time together. She has not talked to me since then. It made me think of all the times I sat home when she was either caring for the kids or at the gym. I do my workouts early in the morning. I usually go to bed early at night during the week because of a challenging work schedule. I don't resent when she has other plans but I guess don't understand her getting upset when I can't jump at her command.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Bottom line, I don't think she's ready to give a relationship the attention it deserves. She can't find a balance. I would break my plans to babysit in an emergency like one kid has to go to the hospital or grandchild is sick and can't go to daycare and parents both NEED to be at work or if my adult child were having marital trouble and needed to have a private talk that night. It's all in the context. 

But I wouldn't allow myself to be used and my time and personal life not respected by having my child decide they wanted to go out to see a movie. I would expect some advance notice. If I'm available I'll help but if I have plans, I'll likely not change them. 

I think it's too soon and the girlfriend is using the kids as a shield to keep from getting too close. And she's doing that by pushing him away and giving him a sh*t test.

On the other hand, the OP needs to realize that there WILL be times when family comes first and she might need to be flexible for the good of her children/grandchildren. I don't get the feeling that's really a big problem for him. It's just too soon - she needs to resolve her divorce. I feel this relationship is to make her feel attractive and desired again after her husband cheated and maybe for sex and to abate loneliness. It screams "rebound" to me.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Seriously?!?!?!
> 
> From what this guy says we have NO clue where this woman is coming from. NO clue. And why does she need a man to grow old with?? I would rather grow old with my kids and grandkids than with 99.9999999999% of the men on this planet.


Again. You are right! There are always two sides to the story and she is not here to defend herself. She has already told me that she does not ever want to marry again because her husband burned her royally. I have given her the option to back out of our relationship because of my inexperience with children. I have not heard back from her. I just feel that if I need to honor her priorities, she would need to understand when I can't be there for her as well. Does that sound fair to you Hope1964 or immature as well?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> Again. You are right! There are always two sides to the story and she is not here to defend herself. She has already told me that she does not ever want to marry again because her husband burned her royally. I have given her the option to back out of our relationship because of my inexperience with children. I have not heard back from her. I just feel that if I need to honor her priorities, she would need to understand when I can't be there for her as well. Does that sound fair to you Hope1964 or immature as well?


Perfectly fair. But refusing to talk to each other is kind of immature. And I am guilty of that myself.

EnjoliWoman has it bang on I think.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I don't want anyone to think that I don't value adult children or their own kids. Although I never had kids of my own, I definitely wish I had. I think I would have been a great father. I was raised by great parents. Unfortunately, my marriage was being challenged at the time I had the opportunity to have kids. I made a conscious decision not to get her pregnant and bring a child into a bad marriage. 

I respect the importance of family. As mentioned earlier, since I need to respect the importance of adult children and their needs, I guess it is only fair that she understand that I can't always be there for her when she squeezes open an opportunity for us. 

She has got her nose out of joint because I was too tired to come over and see her after she cared for the kids Monday night. We usually don't see each other on Monday nights anyway. I was too tired when she finished up with the kids. She has not spoken to me since.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sounds it is naturally just NOT working out.. as it may be for the best.. You sound more a morning person.. her.. she doesn't mind a late night get together.. but that doesn't work for you, as you're bushed at that late hour..... a lot of "tit for tat" here..

If a couple is REALLY into each other upon meeting.. they can't get the other off their minds...they so look forward to the next get togehter. .I don't think this goes away with age... (but maybe being burned one too many times can chip away at that , I don't know)

But I'd think such a couple would squeeze any time to see each other.. I know when I want something bad enough... I will rearrange my schedule to accompany any way I can.. to please us both.. it's worth it.. it helps tremendously when the other feels similar...


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I would like to know HOW she spoke this to you?? How black & white did she make this sound.. and how YOU responded to it ??
> 
> Does she have a regular schedule to watch them while her daughter works or is this a case of : if Daughter calls her, needs her, or grandchildren call / need her ... she JUMPS.. even if she had plans with you??
> 
> If that is the case.. I'd walk away/ No "RUN"!... she is not considerate of you or a growing relationship, what that entails...


Her daughter does not work. She is a stay at home mom. these are not emergency situations when caring for the grandkids. It is to allow the daughter to go out and do things with friends while the husband is still at work.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

This has been the story of my marriage for 20 years, first her daughter was first, now our granddaughter, who both unsurprisingly live with us. I was odd man out most of the time, getting what was left over.

One thing I've learned from various counselors, marriage retreats etc, that could apply to any serious relationships, is that if the marriage/relationship isn't #1, then it is doomed to fail. You are free to accept it, like I have, but most people would choose not to. There can be a healthy balance, but a secure & happy relationship requires most of the attention.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

goldstandard said:


> Her daughter does not work. She is a stay at home mom. these are not emergency situations when caring for the grandkids. It is to allow the daughter to go out and do things with friends while the husband is still at work.


 and how many hours is this going on during the work week.. it sounds her daughter also wants her AT NIGHT TOO, that's why you & she missed each other when you were too tired to come over... 

I think we all assumed she may be working.. she sounds rather "Princessed" ...

We had 6 kids...I think I asked my Mom to watch them maybe 3 times in my life.. his Mom probably less than 10 times. 

So this woman, she doesn't work... just revolves around caring for Grand kids .. does her daughter pay her for her time?


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

woundedwarrior said:


> This has been the story of my marriage for 20 years, first her daughter was first, now our granddaughter, who both unsurprisingly live with us. I was odd man out most of the time, getting what was left over.
> 
> One thing I've learned from various counselors, marriage retreats etc, that could apply to any serious relationships, is that if the marriage/relationship isn't #1, then it is doomed to fail. You are free to accept it, like I have, but most people would choose not to. There can be a healthy balance, but a secure & happy relationship requires most of the attention.


Thank you woundedwarrior. I appreciate your words of wisdom. I am leaning towards walking away. It is better to be alone than in a challenging relationship. I have been there before. I know my position in the pecking order. I am in a position where I can give 100% to a relationship since I do not have outside distractions other than my work. I hope to find someone who has the ability to put the relationship as a tp priority.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> and how many hours is this going on during the work week.. it sounds her daughter also wants her AT NIGHT TOO, that's why you & she missed each other when you were too tired to come over...
> 
> I think we all assumed she may be working.. she sounds rather "Princessed" ...
> 
> ...


Misunderstood. The daughter does not work. Grandmother (girlfriend) works.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> Misunderstood. The daughter does not work. Grandmother (girlfriend) works.


Another Ah Ha moment.
She raised a princess and enjoys polishing her tiara. I would not touch that with a ten foot pole.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> Thank you woundedwarrior. I appreciate your words of wisdom.* I am leaning towards walking away. It is better to be alone than in a challenging relationship. *I have been there before. I know my position in the pecking order. I am in a position where I can give 100% to a relationship since I do not have outside distractions other than my work. I hope to find someone who has the ability to put the relationship as a tp priority.


Or just good friends, as they say. 

I know lots of grandparents who put boundaries on how often they have the grandkids...... so you are right not to put up with it / be suspicious of her choices.

A lot of people use some third party / higher calling to justify their behavior...... and yes, kids are sometimes used for that. 

Either she'll get lonely or the kids will become teens and won't have as much time for her or someone will come along who rocks her world and won't put up with playing second fiddle.

Don't be that chump who faithfully played second fiddle for a few years; to the point where she lost respect for you and is now ready to play the surrendered wife for someone else.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

goldstandard said:


> I don't resent when she has other plans but I guess don't understand her getting upset when I can't jump at her command.


You have probably complied at times, so she has come to expect it.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> Another Ah Ha moment.
> She raised a princess and enjoys polishing her tiara. I would not touch that with a ten foot pole.


That's funny. My stepdaughter who has been gone & back 3 times in her 26 years, now lives with us again, with her now 5 year old daughter. She has been jobless since last December.

Apparently we have to live forever or she is so screwed. lol


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> Seriously?!?!?!
> 
> From what this guy says we have NO clue where this woman is coming from. NO clue. And why does she need a man to grow old with?? I would rather grow old with my kids and grandkids than with 99.9999999999% of the men on this planet.


so your a man hater . I get it.

and just because you don't want to grow old with a man. doesn't mean she doesn't. 

they have different priorities. and thats all right now he can decide to move on if hes not on board being second fiddle.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, going by what you've told us. I also don't feel, from what you've said, that if your gf had to cancel plans due an emergency with her family, that you'd have a problem with that. I don't get that feeling at all.

You just don't want to be jerked around constantly, when you have plans in place and then have her bail at the last minute because she "has" to look after her grandchildren so her daughter can go out for coffee! There's nothing wrong with feeling that way at all - I'd be mighty peeved if a friend did that to me, let alone a bf!

I also understand that you're not married - but part of dating is to see if we are compatible with someone, if our core values match i.e. relationship priorities, etc. I don't think you're necessarily incompatible, but I do think that your gf is just not ready for a real relationship. How do you feel about never marrying again? Is marriage your dating goal? If not that's fine, but if you continue dating this woman you might end up resenting her if she's as opposed to remarriage as she says.

Lots to think about here.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> She wants me to tell her every day how important she is to me. I am struggling.


Hypocritical, isn't she? Next time she asks, tell her she is every bit as important to you as you are to her. Watch her reaction.

IamSomebody


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> its funny. lots of women say my kids come first or my grand kids come first. and then they are surprised when no men want to date them.
> 
> lots of marriages end because of women with this attitude. when in reality the husband and wife should put their relationship first because the children would benefit the most from a stable secure family instead of putting them first. wich could actually make the marriage fail.


You are correct. That single line, my kids come first, is an automatic pass when I read it on an online profile. Guys I know also do this


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> If they were married - sure, I totally agree with you. But they're DATING. And we don't even know for how long.
> 
> I'd really like to know how old this relationship is.


Dating with a purpose toward marriage is a trial run. If they treat you like second class while dating you will get the same in marriage. If they are just dating for fun or FWB then I would agree


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> You are correct. That single line, my kids come first, is an automatic pass when I read it on an online profile. Guys I know also do this


I don't blame them one bit. So many women do this, even to the children's father. I have a friend who's poor husband could be dead on the couch for a week and she wouldn't notice  Well, unless the kids needed something and she had a job for him to do.

So many women just think their husbands are wallets with d!cks.



Wolf1974 said:


> Dating with a purpose toward marriage is a trial run. If they treat you like second class while dating you will get the same in marriage. If they are just dating for fun or FWB then I would agree


100% agree. I'd even go so far as to say it'll get worse after marriage.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I don't blame them one bit. So many women do this, even to the children's father. I *have a friend who's poor husband could be dead on the couch for a week and she wouldn't notice  Well, unless the kids needed something and she had a job for him to do.*
> 
> So many women just think their husbands are wallets with d!cks.
> 
> ...


An unfortunate truth. My X wife's attitude toward me declined once we had kids....never again.

I haven't lost hope. Plenty of great women with their heads on straight like you :grin2:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

goldstandard said:


> Misunderstood. The daughter does not work. Grandmother (girlfriend) works.


Accually I did understand you.. I wondered if your GF worked.. I think the daughter is Princessed.. using Mom like that.. anytime she wants to have a little fun.. that's what I meant.. but I guess if your GF loves it , then it's all good -except when she meets a man.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

frusdil said:


> I don't blame them one bit. So many women do this, even to the children's father. I have a friend who's poor husband could be dead on the couch for a week and she wouldn't notice  Well, unless the kids needed something and she had a job for him to do.
> 
> So many women just think their husbands are wallets with d!cks.
> 
> ...


Couldn't be truer. I was the poor schmuck that thought getting married and creating a stable environment for her daughter would make us a family and us a team. You'll never be part of the mother/daughter team, it's always them and you.

The bad thing is it is just about impossible to find a single woman without kids. Unwed mothers having kids has become a fad and the parents go right along with it. I bet my wife has over 2,000 pictures of our granddaughter and she's only 5??


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Dating with a purpose toward marriage is a trial run. If they treat you like second class while dating you will get the same in marriage. If they are just dating for fun or FWB then I would agree


Agreed.

OP - there is nothing selfish about having your needs met as part of being in an adult relationship. To me, probably the most exciting time is at the beginning of a relationship, all the hormones are flowing, and I think for many people they want to be together non stop (obviously this does eventually wear off). IDK, maybe just me, but if I was with someone new and already it wasn't a priority for them to spend time with me (or apparently do it on their terms only), my spidey senses would be tingling. 

Just sounds like you guys aren't compatible, and she might just want to be in an exclusive relationship more for the sake of having someone to fall back on (i.e. not be alone). I would just end things amicably, otherwise your frustration is just going to build and things wont end well anyhow. Understand you will probably take the brunt of it from her, but it will probably be the best for both of you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

woundedwarrior said:


> Couldn't be truer. I was the poor schmuck that thought getting married and creating a stable environment for her daughter would make us a family and us a team. You'll never be part of the mother/daughter team, it's always them and you.
> 
> The bad thing is it is just about impossible to find a single woman without kids. Unwed mothers having kids has become a fad and the parents go right along with it. I bet my wife has over 2,000 pictures of our granddaughter and she's only 5??


There are actually decent women who have kids that DON'T live attached to them.. I am one of those.. we have a large family.. I am big on our kids having friends..I ENJOY seeing that.. and foster that environment as they grow up.. but honestly.. I'd take my husband over them.. 

We're going to have our alone time, this should always be a priority.. 

I used to belong to a "Mops" group (Mothers of Preschoolers) .. many of those women would complain about their husbands but was always so praiseworthy of the kids. .. I felt like I was the only one there that would be happy to "ditch" the kids & run off with the man ! It's not that I'm a bad Mom or neglectful.. I make sure their needs are met.. always open to allowing their friends to sleep over, I throw large parties for them.. I accompany them in many ways.. but if I/ we want to do something.. those things work around OUR schedule... 

I don't feel it's healthy to live one's life being *that* attached to them.. they will grow up, find their own love lives one day - many of them don't want it either.. then enters the Mother in Law from Hell who thinks she belongs in everything.. 

My husband worked with a Man who, literally, if his wife's Mom moved.. they had to move.. they were tied at the hip.. He divorced over it! 

I have actually found it annoying (and maybe this isn't nice to say) to visit some women where their girls were all over them... wouldn't leave them alone.. I was thinking.. I'd be shooing them away from me.. saying "GO [email protected]#"...


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Good for you, SA & I bet your marriage is stronger because of it.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

frusdil said:


> OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, going by what you've told us. I also don't feel, from what you've said, that if your gf had to cancel plans due an emergency with her family, that you'd have a problem with that. I don't get that feeling at all.
> 
> You just don't want to be jerked around constantly, when you have plans in place and then have her bail at the last minute because she "has" to look after her grandchildren so her daughter can go out for coffee! There's nothing wrong with feeling that way at all - I'd be mighty peeved if a friend did that to me, let alone a bf!
> 
> ...


I would never say never to marriage. I have been burned in a bad marriage myself. However, I am fully recovered. She claims she is has no feelings for her soon to be ex. I don't know how she can be so definite that 5 years from now, she would still feel the same.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> so your a man hater . I get it.
> 
> and just because you don't want to grow old with a man. doesn't mean she doesn't.
> 
> they have different priorities. and thats all right now he can decide to move on if hes not on board being second fiddle.


I thought the same thing. If my girlfriend feels the same way about me or men in general as Hope 1964, I am definitely gone.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> You are correct. That single line, my kids come first, is an automatic pass when I read it on an online profile. Guys I know also do this


Whenever I have had this discussion with her, she puts a spin on it. Her kids are her family. I am her man. There is no competition. The feelings are different for them than me. She drives those statements home. I understand. The soon to be ex husband does not have anything to do with the kids or grandkids right now. There are bad feelings there but obviously I do not know the husband's side of the story. So it appears that my girlfriend feels she has to take on the missing role of grandfather as well as being the grandmother. My take on it is that it is more of a "one upmanship" game that she is playing with the kids. She is the better grandparent because she is there all the time and he isn't there at all. Lots of drama. I just sit on the sidelines and watch.:|


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

I'm just wondering if she's mad about you not coming over because she has interpreted it as some kind of passive aggressive move on your part to get across your displeasure about the babysitting.

For that matter, was it some sort of retaliatory move on your part to send a message?

if she is thinking along these lines, it would explain the cold shoulder and certainly would have her thinking about whether she should be moving on or not if she thinks your trying to manipulate her away from her grandchildren.

just a thought.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

goldstandard said:


> My take on it is that it is more of a "one upmanship" game that she is playing with the kids. She is the better grandparent because she is there all the time and he isn't there at all. Lots of drama. I just sit on the sidelines and watch.:|


All the more reason why she is probably not ready to get into a serious relationship with anyone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

A man hater? No, I am a people hater. I hate all people, men and women and other, equally, because I think that most of the human race isn't worth my time.

Does that make you guys happy? 

An argument could be made that everyone saying this woman isn't worth it is a woman hater too. I would prefer to hear her side of the story before I jumped to that conclusion, but we won't, so I won't.

This thread is about a guy (who still hasn't said how long he's been dating this woman) who it sounds like has just started dating her, who is complaining about the fact she puts her family before him.

What about that isn't selfish and immature?

All you guys coming in here and saying how if your wife did that blah blah blah - this guy is not married. Has in fact not been dating her very long either (Please correct me if I am wrong because it does make a difference). On what planet should a woman treat a guy she just started dating the same as a husband???????

These two do not belong together.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> its funny. lots of women say my kids come first or my grand kids come first. and then they are surprised when no men want to date them.
> 
> lots of marriages end because of women with this attitude. when in reality the husband and wife should put their relationship first because the children would benefit the most from a stable secure family instead of putting them first. wich could actually make the marriage fail.


I am kind of taken by surprised when women are proud to make it clear that their kids will always come first. It is not that I don't understand, however, many men will see an uphill climb to win over their affection. The message I get is " if I give you the privilege to spend time with me, know where you stand" Yes, I credit them for their honestly but my guess is many of the quality men will pass on them.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> A man hater? No, I am a people hater. I hate all people, men and women and other, equally, because I think that most of the human race isn't worth my time.
> 
> Does that make you guys happy?
> 
> ...


your statement that you would not want to spend your time growing old with 99.99999999% of all men. 

this is definitely a man hater statement.

you can try to sugar coat it with an after remark like no I'm a people hater because most of the human race isn't worth your time. but yet here you are posting on a board that tries to help people.



Hmmm,

:wtf:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> Whenever I have had this discussion with her, she puts a spin on it. Her kids are her family. I am her man. There is no competition. The feelings are different for them than me. She drives those statements home. I understand. The soon to be ex husband does not have anything to do with the kids or grandkids right now. There are bad feelings there but obviously I do not know the husband's side of the story. So it appears that my girlfriend feels she has to take on the missing role of grandfather as well as being the grandmother. My take on it is that it is more of a "one upmanship" game that she is playing with the kids. She is the better grandparent because she is there all the time and he isn't there at all. Lots of drama. I just sit on the sidelines and watch.:|


So then you both have made a choice to accept this. You should know though you have options. Probably not with this woman but others do want to priorize their relationship. I get it , have been here and had these discussions with women about their priority model. In the end you won't change their minds you just have to find someone you're compatable with
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

goldstandard said:


> I am kind of taken by surprised when women are proud to make it clear that their kids will always come first. It is not that I don't understand, however, many men will see an uphill climb to win over their affection. The message I get is " if I give you the privilege to spend time with me, know where you stand" Yes, I credit them for their honestly but my guess is many of the quality men will pass on them.


 When I met and then married my husband he was brilliant, and he became a good step dad to my then adult children. We now have a grandchild and he loves him as much as I do even though he isnt his blood grandchild. So I got my quality man despite still being a committed mum and having 2 of my three just about adult children at home.He didnt resent the time I gave to them at all.

In this case I think that she needs to wait till she is divorced and then some before dating again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

chillymorn said:


> your statement that you would not want to spend your time growing old with 99.99999999% of all men.
> 
> this is definitely a man hater statement.
> 
> ...


I have been deeply hurt by men, but I also know some amazing men, including my second husband. I agree with you, we cant let 1 or 2 men's actions put us off all men.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> A man hater? No, I am a people hater. I hate all people, men and women and other, equally, because I think that most of the human race isn't worth my time.
> 
> Does that make you guys happy?
> 
> ...


We have been together 10 months. She is the one who has pushed me for a serious relationship. I stated yesterday that I agree with you that there are two sides to the story and she is not here to defend herself. I also stroked your ego by stating that you are the expert because you have thousands of post and live a successful life. What gives with you Hope1964? Are you really that successful or are you unhappy with life? You seem to enjoy yanking my chain.


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## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

goldstandard said:


> I am kind of taken by surprised when women are proud to make it clear that their kids will always come first. It is not that I don't understand, however, many men will see an uphill climb to win over their affection. The message I get is " if I give you the privilege to spend time with me, know where you stand" Yes, I credit them for their honestly but my guess is many of the quality men will pass on them.


I said yes to a "My Kids Come First" woman. She was just finishing a messy divorce when we got together. Kids were 2 & 5. In that situation the kids need some semblance of stability in the storm. I understood then and I understand now. Doesn't mean it doesn't bug me sometimes, but I get it. All I can say is that it gets better.

I haven't dealt with the grandkids angle, but as somebody said earlier, they will grow up fast. Also, and this may take time, if you are serious about this women, her kids (and grandkids) are part of your extended family now. Embrace that, spend time with them as well!

YOU need to decide if YOU are ok with her priorities. Asking her to change them will likely not end well. If you want to stay, you should make clear to her what you expect from her.

Oh, and she is clearly not ready for a committed relationship, but so be it. Life works in mysterious ways. That was true in my case as well, but we stuck through a couple of messy years to get to the other side in one piece. 

Good luck!


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> When I met and then married my husband he was brilliant, and he became a good step dad to my then adult children. We now have a grandchild and he loves him as much as I do even though he isnt his blood grandchild. So I got my quality man despite still being a committed mum and having 2 of my three just about adult children at home.He didnt resent the time I gave to them at all.
> 
> In this case I think that she needs to wait till she is divorced and then some before dating again.


You are one of the lucky ones.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

sscygni said:


> I haven't dealt with the grandkids angle, but as somebody said earlier, they will grow up fast.


I don't understand this tbh. The OP is in his mid 50s. As fast as the grandkids grow up will be just as fast as the OP ages ....


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

bankshot1993 said:


> I'm just wondering if she's mad about you not coming over because she has interpreted it as some kind of passive aggressive move on your part to get across your displeasure about the babysitting.
> 
> For that matter, was it some sort of retaliatory move on your part to send a message?
> 
> ...


No. I was simply tired Monday evening. That's all.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> A man hater? No, I am a people hater. I hate all people, men and women and other, equally, because I think that most of the human race isn't worth my time.
> 
> Does that make you guys happy?
> 
> ...


So, if she treats a guy she is dating with less respect than if he were married to her, how would she expect the guy to ever want to marry her?


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> I don't understand this tbh. The OP is in his mid 50s. As fast as the grandkids grow up will be just as fast as the OP ages ....


When you're in your 50s and 5 or even 10 years go by, not much changes. Maybe you'll slow down a bit, possibly have a health issue or two, but it's not all that different, generally speaking. We're rather fixed in our personalities, our perspectives, our approach to life, that sort of thing. 

When you're in your teens and 5 or 10 years go by, the difference is astronomical, in just about every way you can imagine. Most of these kids won't even resemble themselves in 10 years..lol


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Mclane said:


> When you're in your 50s and 5 or even 10 years go by, not much changes. Maybe you'll slow down a bit, possibly have a health issue or two, but it's not all that different, generally speaking. We're rather fixed in our personalities, our perspectives, our approach to life, that sort of thing.
> 
> When you're in your teens and 5 or 10 years go by, the difference is astronomical, in just about every way you can imagine. Most of these kids won't even resemble themselves in 10 years..lol


Well, I understand how aging works lol. My point is, it just comes across as if the OP should just waste the next X number of years now b/c the grandkids will eventually grow up. Regardless of his age, why would anyone want to do that, especially in the beginning of a relationship...


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> When I met and then married my husband he was brilliant, and he became a good step dad to my then adult children. We now have a grandchild and he loves him as much as I do even though he isnt his blood grandchild. So I got my quality man despite still being a committed mum and having 2 of my three just about adult children at home.He didnt resent the time I gave to them at all.
> 
> In this case I think that she needs to wait till she is divorced and then some before dating again.


I am going to assume that the two of you had great chemistry for each other on both ends. You were both willing to sacrifice, understand each other, and communicate well. You both wanted the relationship to work. You and your husband are both very fortunate. I would hope to be as fortunate some day. I don't think either one of us are that good of a match for each other which is why I am going to try to end it amicably.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Well, I extended an olive branch to my girlfriend. I called her up and tried to "bridge our gaps" so to speak. I told her that Monday evening I honestly was under the weather and needed to get some rest. I emphasized that I am very attracted to her and that she is special to me. She appreciated my phone call. I asked her if I could see her this evening. She told me that she will be busy doing her nails. I asked her about tomorrow evening. She told me that she will be cleaning house. Then she proceeded to tell me that she will be tied up throughout the weekend with the kids. She said that next week would be better. I am not sure whether there is an underlying message here. At least I broke off our standoff and attempted to communicate. I know that Sunday is Mothers Day. Maybe the writing is on the wall. She did not tell me she was done with me but I don't feel like I am exclusive with her like she wants to be with me. I think I need to move on.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

goldstandard said:


> Well, I extended an olive branch to my girlfriend. I called her up and tried to "bridge our gaps" so to speak. I told her that Monday evening I honestly was under the weather and needed to get some rest. I emphasized that I am very attracted to her and that she is special to me. She appreciated my phone call. I asked her if I could see her this evening. *She told me that she will be busy doing her nails. I asked her about tomorrow evening. **She told me that she will be cleaning house. Then she proceeded to tell me that she will be tied up throughout the weekend with the kids. She said that next week would be better.* I am not sure whether there is an underlying message here. At least I broke off our standoff and attempted to communicate. I know that Sunday is Mothers Day. Maybe the writing is on the wall. She did not tell me she was done with me but I don't feel like I am exclusive with her like she wants to be with me. I think I need to move on.


Per the bolded, is this seriously the type of person you want to be in a relationship with? You fall below getting nails done and cleaning house. It appears you need to schedule an appt in advance just to see her. You are right, time to move on and find someone who is a better fit for you.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

goldstandard said:


> Well, I extended an olive branch to my girlfriend. I called her up and tried to "bridge our gaps" so to speak. I told her that Monday evening I honestly was under the weather and needed to get some rest. I emphasized that I am very attracted to her and that she is special to me. She appreciated my phone call. I asked her if I could see her this evening.


This was painful to read. I get it though. You were missing her, and you fought it in your head, and finally you gave in and you picked up the phone, even though she made no attempt to reach out for you, for no good reason whatsoever. Now you feel worse than you did before you called her, because now you've lowered yourself to "nicely begging" and on top of that she's making it pretty clear that she's in no rush to see you, and maybe never will. 

So here's what you're going to do. 

Stop being so forgiving and available. Especially given the way she doesn't consider you a priority.

Frankly it's unattractive and counter productive.

Go dark on her. Completely. Use the time to spruce up your dating profile and go on a few dates. If and when you hear from her again, you can consider making some time for her. 

That's how you need to play it if you want to be successful with dating- that's why they call it "the dating game".

I'll also add that if I was in your position I would have kicked that one to the curb a long time ago, and I can say that because I've been a busy guy in my post divorce dating world and I've been rather selective and I will not stand for being treated poorly by anyone. I'd rather be alone then deal with that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EllisRedding said:


> Per the bolded, is this seriously the type of person you want to be in a relationship with? You fall below getting nails done and cleaning house. It appears you need to schedule an appt in advance just to see her. You are right, time to move on and find someone who is a better fit for you.


....how true !!! She is so blowing him off.. ever so slightly...gives him enough string to keep hanging on.. knowing HE is INTO HER....

There is just NOT enough passion on her end to pursue this ! It's not worth the aggravation...at the very least.. start seeking out some new women in the meantime.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Yep shes a b!tch.

She's showing her colors. If you decide to keep persuing then you deserve her.

Good luck!


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

How dare you be tired on the night SHE wants to see you! She's going to show you! She's going to stay home to do her nails and clean her house!

She plays silly games and is not mature enough for a real relationship. Just move on.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> Well, I extended an olive branch to my girlfriend. I called her up and tried to "bridge our gaps" so to speak. I told her that Monday evening I honestly was under the weather and needed to get some rest. I emphasized that I am very attracted to her and that she is special to me. She appreciated my phone call. *I asked her if I could see her this evening. She told me that she will be busy doing her nails. I asked her about tomorrow evening. She told me that she will be cleaning house. Then she proceeded to tell me that she will be tied up throughout the weekend with the kids. She said that next week would be better. I am not sure whether there is an underlying message here. *At least I broke off our standoff and attempted to communicate. I know that Sunday is Mothers Day. Maybe the writing is on the wall. She did not tell me she was done with me but I don't feel like I am exclusive with her like she wants to be with me. I think I need to move on.


Oh you bet there's an underlying message there OP - and it's that you're not even last on her priority list...you're not on the list at all.

Dump her, and move on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> My girlfriend has been separated for over 3 years. She wants me to date her exclusively but I must understand that her kids and grandkids' needs will always come first. I like her a lot but I realize that she seems to prefer babysitting over spending time with me. Her husband of over 36 years has cheated on her so they are going through a lengthy divorce.
> 
> I am also divorced but have no children of my own. We are both in our mid 50's. I feel like a sideline act only to be available when she is free from babysitting her daughters two kids.
> 
> ...


So she loves her children and her grandchildren. And probably* more *than she loves you, who she, really, doesn't know all that well?

In other news Pope gives Papal blessing and bears launch protest at lack of moisturised toilet wipes in arboreal, sylvan glades.



She seems a bit odd.

BTW. are you certain her husband cheated on her?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

goldstandard said:


> Well, I extended an olive branch to my girlfriend. I called her up and tried to "bridge our gaps" so to speak. I told her that Monday evening I honestly was under the weather and needed to get some rest. I emphasized that I am very attracted to her and that she is special to me. She appreciated my phone call. I asked her if I could see her this evening. She told me that she will be busy doing her nails. I asked her about tomorrow evening. She told me that she will be cleaning house. Then she proceeded to tell me that she will be tied up throughout the weekend with the kids. She said that next week would be better. I am not sure whether there is an underlying message here. At least I broke off our standoff and attempted to communicate. I know that Sunday is Mothers Day. Maybe the writing is on the wall. She did not tell me she was done with me but I don't feel like I am exclusive with her like she wants to be with me. I think I need to move on.


if a lady would rather do her nails or clean the house than see you, she surely isnt interested enough. Yes I think you have to move on.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

bankshot1993 said:


> I'm just wondering if she's mad about you not coming over because she has interpreted it as some kind of passive aggressive move on your part to get across your displeasure about the babysitting.
> 
> *For that matter, was it some sort of retaliatory move on your part to send a message?
> 
> ...


If she is thinking along those lines, then she knows she is d!cking Gold Standard around in the first place.

I remember telling soemone whom I HAD considered a friend that I was not happy that she had stood me up.... thinking that if she wanted another chance then I was giving it to her.

I had plans with some other friends to take a day long trip which meant getting started in the morning. WE decided to leave a half hour later than planned. I thought I would do the courtesy of calling her and telling her that, so she would not hurry or think she missed us. I tried to call her and left a message. She did not show up.

She waited 3 days later to call and accuse me of exacting revenge on her. Go figure! If you don't want to be friends with someone why keep the drama running. 

If every time that GoldStandard gets sick and stays home in the evening, his socalled girlfriend accuses him of exacting revenge on her, then what kind of relationship is that?


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## Kraquin (May 6, 2016)

Run

I have been in a relationship like that before and it will not change

If you don't like it now you will be even more miserable if you are married with no way out


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EllisRedding said:


> I don't understand this tbh. The OP is in his mid 50s. As fast as the grandkids grow up will be just as fast as the OP ages ....


I was thinking the same ... his TIME IS *NOW*.. before health issues start rearing their ugly head.. not that this will happen.. but if he's still feeling good.. he needs to be with someone feeling good.. wanting to "live with gusto" , get out & do some things, enjoy these years.. find that compatible mate and live it up some!.. not some old bitty tied to her grand babies.. (that's the impression I get, she sounds awfully boring to me)


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

More push / pull from her this morning. She is trying to get me to understand her commitment with her adult kids. She called me this morning. She is claiming I have it all wrong about her. I told her that I want to find a woman that will place a relationship as a top priority and that I understand she can't do that right now. I am trying to close the door on her but she is fighting me on this.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> There are actually decent women who have kids that DON'T live attached to them.. I am one of those.. we have a large family.. I am big on our kids having friends..I ENJOY seeing that.. and foster that environment as they grow up.. but honestly.. I'd take my husband over them..
> 
> We're going to have our alone time, this should always be a priority..
> 
> ...


So we'll said, SA. I don't have kids (yet) but I learned from my own parents the importance of them needing THEIR alone time, without me. 

Good thing is that I was always very independent. If I wanted fun, I'd go across the street to the park so I could play with neighborhood kids. I used to love going to my local library and reading books on astronomy, sci-fi. I would take my bike to the convenience store, get a soda and hang in the park with sketch books and pencils. I also have good memories of reading with my mom, shopping with my dad, going on hikes with them both. It was a good balance. 

Thank goodness my parents had a life of their own. I see parents my age doing absolutely everything with their kids during their free time, and while I think quality time with kids is very important, in moderation! I think how sad that many kids will not be able to learn to pursue their own activities or feel independent, because they've been conditioned almost to believe they can't do anything alone. Kids need to learn that parents need private time. It's another good example for kids to learn from, imo!


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I don't think she understands herself.I told her that I thought she was not ready for the kind of relationship that I am looking for. I also told her that I understand her commitment to her adult children and respect her for that but I am not willing to sit on the sidelines as a plan B. She and her adult daughter text each other an average of 200 times a day. I think her adult daughter is bored in her own marriage and is giving mother more attention than her husband. She claims that she is ready for a serious relationship with me. I told her that I don't buy it and that her head is up her daughters rear so deep that she can't see it herself. Her daughter is the damsel is distress and mom enjoys the attention. I told her that she and her kids remind me of the Kardashians and that I would not survive in that environment. She is not accepting this breakup.


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## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

goldstandard said:


> More push / pull from her this morning. She is trying to get me to understand her commitment with her adult kids. She called me this morning. She is claiming I have it all wrong about her. I told her that I want to find a woman that will place a relationship as a top priority and that I understand she can't do that right now. I am trying to close the door on her but she is fighting me on this.


Now that she knows she can't push you around she is getting worried. Honestly, I think she is just confused. Its too early for her to be dating, and she is in a whirlwind of guilt towards the kids, anger towards the ex, you name it.

That being said, this is not a great time to expect her to have her priorities in order. If you are not willing to deal with a lot of uncertainty and difficulty, its best to shut it down gracefully, which it sounds like you are doing. Perhaps in a year or so, if you are both still interested, she may be in a different place; but don't sit around waiting for that possibility. Live your life.


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## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

goldstandard said:


> She is not accepting this breakup.


It only takes one to end a relationship. Stop returning her calls.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

block her number.......and never look back


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

She doesn't have to accept the breakup for YOU to move on. You can do that on your own. 

She sounds very controlling.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

funny you called her bluff now shes bummed because plan b decided that he deserves better.

game people play.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

You know what to do OP, you are on the right track. To me, the risk of staying with her, she will try to give you more attention at first to keep you hooked and I bet eventually grow resentful as it will take time away from daughter/grandkids. Moving on is really the best thing for you, and the best thing for her even if she doesn't see it right now.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

goldstandard said:


> She is not accepting this breakup.


What breakup? When someone dumps someone else they say something like "I'm sorry this isn't working for me, good bye and good luck" or "You'll find someone who better meets your needs, take care" or "I love you but I'm not in love with you, good luck in your search for someone who can love you like you deserve". You're welcome to use any of the above if you really want to get this done. 

All I see is you beating your head against the wall trying to change a person into something she'll never be by listing all of the problems. From where I sit it's because you don't have the balls to dump her. 

At least she's still talking to you and she hasn't bailed completely- yet.

You could make a save here, by playing the game better than she does. 

Start by finding something else to do for the next week or so and stop speaking to her other than answering her calls or texts with a quick "Hello, how can I help you, sorry I can't talk long I'm busy with (insert something here).


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Time to travel another path. I have been exclusively dating a man with two grand boys for seven months. He has always put me first and still has plenty of time to devote to the boys and his three grown kids. I see how he treats me so I in turn treat him well. We compliment each other in that way. You can have that type of a relationship, just not with her. I am in my early 50's and don't have grandkids yet but I do hope it's in the cards 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Thanks for everyone's help. This may become a struggle for me not to give in but I will do my best. I am seeing her good side right now while she is in damage control. She is trying to pull me back in.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> Thanks for everyone's help. This may become a struggle for me not to give in but I will do my best. I am seeing her good side right now while she is in damage control. *She is trying to pull me back in.*


I would not let her do that, and agree with others that said, its time to end this. if its this bad now, its only going to get worst.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You would be a fool to go back now. She is just enjoying the control she has over you and doesn't want to give that up. You should be on a date with another woman this weekend and never look back. Once you find a woman who will make you a priority you are going to kick yourself for wasting 10 months with this chic. Don't make it 10 months and a day
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> Thanks for everyone's help. This may become a struggle for me not to give in but I will do my best. I am seeing her good side right now while she is in damage control. She is trying to pull me back in.


Don't let her. I honestly don't know why you want to bother with anything but a "See you later!".


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

goldstandard said:


> Thanks for everyone's help. This may become a struggle for me not to give in but I will do my best. I am seeing her good side right now while she is in damage control. She is trying to pull me back in.


She's trying to pull you back in, alright.

In 2 weeks when she's done with everything on her list that's more important than you are.

Look man, I've been where you are- post divorce, meeting women, finding one I think I like, and you know what? Odds are the first relationship isn't going to work out, or even the second or third or fourth. There are PLENTY of women our age out there (and younger) and they're ready and available to meet guys like us but if you're wasting all your time and energy on the wrong woman you're not out there meeting the right one.

Stop rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Mclane said:


> This was painful to read. I get it though. You were missing her, and you fought it in your head, and finally you gave in and you picked up the phone, even though she made no attempt to reach out for you, for no good reason whatsoever. Now you feel worse than you did before you called her, because now you've lowered yourself to "nicely begging" and on top of that she's making it pretty clear that she's in no rush to see you, and maybe never will.
> 
> So here's what you're going to do.
> 
> ...


I could not have said it any better. I had a weak moment and called because I doubted myself. I did not want to appear that I was needy or crawling back but I think she used the moment to give me a taste of my own medicine. Game playing. People still play games in their 50's. Crazy


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Mclane said:


> She's trying to pull you back in, alright.
> 
> In 2 weeks when she's done with everything on her list that's more important than you are.
> 
> ...


Thank you. You are right on. My guess is that she has felt secure subconsciously just believing she has a dating partner to text and think of her. It gave her a sense of security having me in the background (plan b) while she focuses on making her daughter happy and seeing the grandchildren. Heck, my parents paid babysitters when I was a kid. I saw my grandparents from time to time and knew they loved me but I didn't see them every other day.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

goldstandard said:


> Game playing. People still play games in their 50's. Crazy


It's part of dating and building attraction.

It only stops when you get to the point in the relationship where you really know and trust one another. Even then, the game playing (if you can call it that), really doesn't stop. You still always try to put your better foot forward, if not your best one. At least, it's a good strategy. You surely don't want your partner to get disgusted with you and your habits. 

For example, you wouldn't loudly fart on your first date, but you might let one rip after you've known her a few years (and maybe you'd even expect a compliment), but hopefully you still close the door when you take a dump.

I'm trying to make a good analogy there I'm not sure if I succeeded or not


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I have been around the block long enough to realize she will have a few other tricks up her sleeve to attempt to manipulate me. I have been text bombed all day so far. I never received this much attention in one day via text compared to the previous 10 months. Once she realizes I'm gone for good, she will give up and find someone else quickly. She is very attractive. Ironically, I think my no contact will be harder on me than her. She will have no problem finding a replacement.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

goldstandard said:


> I have been around the block long enough to realize she will have a few other tricks up her sleeve to attempt to manipulate me. I have been text bombed all day so far. I never received this much attention in one day via text compared to the previous 10 months. Once she realizes I'm gone for good, she will give up and find someone else quickly. She is very attractive. Ironically, I think my no contact will be harder on me than her. She will have no problem finding a replacement.


You can still save this one if you want- at the moment you have all the power and you can maintain it, at least until and unless things settle down to a semblence of normalcy and consistency.

You already know what you need to do, pull back and maintain a position of aloofness and independence. Answer a sporadic text here or there and let her know there just might be a place for her in your busy schedule some time next week.

Let her come to you. Maintain this balance until the invisible leash you are drawing around her neck is well tied. At that time she'll know you are the alpha male and she will no longer take you for granted. 

Eventually you might not have to play the game so hard and you can relax and enjoy yourself.

As far as her easily finding your replacement?

Not so fast. Sure there are lots of guys out there. But it's quality vs quantity. She does not want to put herself back out there at the mercy of all the losers.

Good guys like us are hard to find.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Mclane said:


> It's part of dating and building attraction.
> 
> It only stops when you get to the point in the relationship where you really know and trust one another. Even then, the game playing (if you can call it that), really doesn't stop. You still always try to put your better foot forward, if not your best one. At least, it's a good strategy. You surely don't want your partner to get disgusted with you and your habits.
> 
> ...


You succeeded. I had to laugh about the door closing when taking a dump. I once dated a girl who left the door open when taking care of business when I am in the next room. She thought nothing of it like I am sure there are others. 

It is too bad that we can be viewed as weak during a vulnerable moment. To avoid this, we have to hide it. I hope to find someone who can see my vulnerable side and still love me for who I am. For example, why do women find bad boys attractive? They are risk takers and they are not afraid of consequences. You would be surprised how many criminals in prison have attractive girlfriends who reside among the general populace. Go figure


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Now she desires me when I have decided to close the door. Some people want what they can't have. Too bad this had to happen in order to get her attention. This has been a humbling experience. I know I can have her right now but it would be a big mistake. I have to stay focused and never look back. Thanks again folks for your help.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

goldstandard said:


> Now she desires me when I have decided to close the door. Some people want what they can't have. Too bad this had to happen in order to get her attention. This has been a humbling experience. I know I can have her right now but it would be a big mistake. I have to stay focused and never look back. Thanks again folks for your help.


She's not going to give up easily and you might find it harder to resist than you think, but you've got the right idea.

Good luck.


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