# wtf really?



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

ok, not sure if anyone recognizes me from the infidelity forum, if not look for my threads if you want a backstory.

I have been in limbo for 9 months, husband out of house this last time for almost 3. Has said up until recently he didnt want to be married, saying i could move on, see whomever do whatever i wanted. So i have taken those words to heart, divorce was a matter of if but when, as finances are tight for both of us at this time.

Anyways, i have been visiting with a nice gentleman over the phone for maybe a month, just talk about everything under the sun, we are on the phone almost every day for a couple of hours, longest call was 7. He was planning a vacation to the west coast at the end of this month and has said he plans on spending a few days here to meet me. now mind you, there is interest from both sides, but i assure you it would be nothing but casual hanging out, as this man i have been completely honest about my situation with. even with my husband saying what he said to me via txt sunday morning.

he said he was thinking of taking a leap of faith with me, aka, perhaps giving it a go, but was still scared and unsure. while i understand the scared part, the unsure like really??? why even say anything. he asked to read my love language and surviving an affair book. i have told my husband that i have been in limbo long enough, that i need to move on, he has said ok.

my thing is i just dont think he is capable of forgiveness, or able to give me the things i need in an R. It is like why now? when i am going to be starting a ft job on monday and hopefully a place for me and the kids in a month or two? why now when i have my phone friend coming down for a short visit next month? 

now i realize that if i allow myself to move toward a reconciliation i cannot speak with my friend anymore, he is fully aware of that, as i have said, i am completely honest with him. i dont want to make a mistake in reconciling, i dont want to throw away the possibility of something potentially amazing with my friend, he lives a ways away and is aware i do not wish to jump head first into a serious relationship, so its just fun casual talk.

I am 80 to 90 percent gone from my husband, there is that little nag that says give him a little more time, sounds like he is coming around, but i dont allow hope. i just want some sort of semblance of life back. i have me back, i dont want to lose her again, i just dont want to make a mistake. Opinions??
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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Does your ex know that you have been talking to someone else?
Maybe he's just trying to keep you in limbo and off balance.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

i havent told him, didnt think i needed to explain myself since for the last three months it was "over, never gonna work, too much damage, move on and be happy" 

i kind of feel i dont need to since there was no "marriage" anymore, i mean if i start the process of moving on, what i do with myself is my business, its none of his, i feel.

i dont think he is doing this to intentionally be a douche, i think its finally starting to hit him, but he waffles so many days and is indecisive, so i refuse to put any hope out there and continue to move on. i dont want myself or him to be hurt more than we already have. 
two months ago, i would have moved heaven and earth to see him sort of coming around, the waffling, the being unsure, not sure if he would go to counseling, i keep movin on. i am going to be angry if husband tells me he wants to R a day before my friend comes to visit, i keep trying to go forward, he unintentionally keeps attempting to pull me back. he is not a monster, i know i hurt him too. it makes me angry when i felt completely gone on sunday morning, and then have that little voice trying to convince me to give him more time.

there is that 10 percent of me that wants to R, if he jumped in like yesterday headfirst, but i dont want to wait another month, two months, it is making me angry because.....well just because lol.
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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well.... I say, remember why H left in the first place. What has changed? What has improved the marriage so that he'd even want to try again? What has HE done to show you that YOU'D want to try again? A few vague words mean nothing at all. 

Think of what YOU want. It's time to think of the direction you want YOUR life to take. Not because of the new guy, who knows where that might go....... because you have choices! Your own choices, that are not based on what H might want, or might feel. Is "might" good enough for ya?

Edited to add: Wait and see H's actions. If he wanted to "work on it", he'd have a plan. Or he'd ask YOU for a plan. Just saying it, and then doing nothing, doesn't count as R.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

it really has nothing to do with this other guy, its a timing thing with him, i dont want to hurt this other guy at all, i do care for him.

he has really done nothing to show it would be different, thats the thing, i havent seen him try to work through any resentment, or anger, i have had conversations where i have caught him still justifying and him slinging anything i had or hadnt done in my face.

some of me is afraid to go down that road after being willing for so long to work beside him to restore things, i mean he went to one ic session refused to go back, i mean he is reading the books i lent him, good for him.

i know he has the capacity to get himself back, i just dont know if he has the capacity of forgiveness, and ability to not dwell on the past instead of learning from it. i am not sure if he can give me what i want in a partner
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add...sunny i have been in excruciating limbo for 9 months, i have a life out there, ill be 34 next month, i dont want to waste any more time on a maybe, its the making a mistake that is the teeny thing holding in my head right now, where a few days ago, it wasnt there


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Put your ex on "wait".
If there really is to be a reconciliation, it can wait until you sort through your own stuff.
From your posts, I think that you are afraid of being rejected by someone new, but you're used to rejection by your ex, so that is the least painful proposition.
Listen, my dear, you are ONLY 34. That is young. You can still do anything that you want. Don't settle.
Meet the new guy. Have fun.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

i plan on it, i cant sit and wait for his back and forth, im not really afraid of rejection with someone new, oddly doesnt bug me in the least, the rejection from the H is what was killing me, the mixed signals, actions not matching what came out of his mouth. im just tired of it all, even today, i love you, i am so back and forth, whatever.

you know the kicker?? i can see him finding out that ive been "seeing" someone for lack of a better term, and have him get mad and say, see i knew it wasnt meant to work out, even though he said to move on, do what i want LOL. why do people have to be like that?
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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

im not looking for a long term boyfriend or anything, if and BIG if anything were to come of this it will be painfully slow, he has been messed with in R's as well. meet up next month, have fun, he goes home, continue hanging on the phone, and let what happens happens. i am not leaving a marriage to immediately be in a ltr right away, maybe down the road casually date one person, but nothing serious
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i also wont stay in a marriage with a waffler, even though he now says he loves me, back and forth does not repair a marriage, reading a couple of books is wonderful for him, even if it keeps him from messing up with another woman. i dont knows dont restore a marriage, i needed a yes or no weeks ago, im tired of all of this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Para! 

Glad to hear you are doing well.

Your husband being "unsure" to me is a red flag. He's been saying he's "unsure" for a long time now. I think people either want their marriage or they don't. Especially after 9 months.

You asy you don't believe he has the capacity to forgive you but here' sthe thing--he's a hypocrite. He's guilty of the same thing you are! And you forgave him!

So in order for this "leap of faith" to even be a consideration (if it's what you want), you should tell him what you require. Remember, he basically walked out on you when given the choice of the marriage or the affair(s). He chose the latter.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

he knows what i require transparency, counseling accountability, all of it, i am just wondering if i am too far gone, i dont know if i want to R anymore, a teeny tiny part does, but its hardly there.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only you know if you are too far gone.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Are you absolutely certain h doesn't know? Cell bills, mutual friends? Facebook or something else?
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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

nope guy has no fb not on cell plan, he has no clue who this guy is.
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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

even if he does thats his problem, he told me to move on, my life my business, i have had to listen for months how this marriage had no value, that he didnt want to be married. so now i accepted that, just makes me angry
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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I am trying to suss motivation.
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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

my husbands sudden motivation for sort of coming around or my motivation love?
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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

my main wonder is if i am under any obligatiin to tell the separated husband that i plan on meeting this guy (safety first when it comes to meeting of course), i feel no since he has been saying for months its for sure over up until sunday.
and no he will not meet my children, come to my home, etc. just because i have gotten to know him well over the phone doesnt mean he gets full access to my whole life, trust me im not completely bonkers
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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

His.
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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*add...sunny i have been in excruciating limbo for 9 months, i have a life out there, ill be 34 next month, i dont want to waste any more time on a maybe, its the making a mistake that is the teeny thing holding in my head right now, where a few days ago, it wasnt there *

I get that. In order to be "done"....you want to make sure that you have done all you can. 9 months of limbo, is giving him TIME and space. He has had an opportunity to DO something. He hasn't. 

Divorce isn't the end of the world. It's just the end of that marriage. Who knows, maybe he will grow up and figure himself out and come back at a later date. Maybe you will be available then, or maybe you will be quite content in your choices. 

There are alot of maybe's aren't there? I think, the trick is to trust YOURSELF. 

Sooooo..... two choices: 

1. Continue as you are...
or
2. Cut him loose, and see how things go.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> *add...sunny i have been in excruciating limbo for 9 months, i have a life out there, ill be 34 next month, i dont want to waste any more time on a maybe, its the making a mistake that is the teeny thing holding in my head right now, where a few days ago, it wasnt there *
> 
> I get that. In order to be "done"....you want to make sure that you have done all you can. 9 months of limbo, is giving him TIME and space. He has had an opportunity to DO something. He hasn't.
> 
> ...


i agree there alot of maybes. i have to cut him loose. im just thinking he is afraid to let go all the way, and is trying to hold onto me. thats not healthy. i have people telling me it is a mistake to meet this guy and hang out, i see it different as long as proper safety measures are in place. i think husband is testing me, that is passive agressive, controlling, indecisive, which are issues i have.
if i went back, nothing would have changed, he has made no effort to make himself better. i have to let go for my sanity.
now as for this other guy, there is mutual interest, a friend keeps telling me its not a good idea, that he may want more, this guy knows where i stand, its casual, no commitment, no ltr, i dont want that right now, i am just excited to meet new people and live for once. i dont think im crazy lol.
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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You are still married.
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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

true, and this is where the shades of grey come into play, so many people have valid points on both sides. yes i am, but only legally.
i feel the way you do, then a person thinks, isnt part of moving on actually doing that?
i havent done anything, and have no intentions to. this is why i posted, to get opinions from people i do not know.
people i do not in real life have given excellent points in this direction, and in the other, so let me have it.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have either of you filed divorce or plan to?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

The same logic is used when a wAyward cheats though.
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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

see clipclop that is exactly what i agree with. i had planned on filing in the near future, once i got settled into the new job and gotten me and the kids settled into a new place. save some money so i could afford someone, at first i was admant that he filed bc he was sure it was completely over.

i have planned on doing it soon, before i started visiting with this guy, i had planned on filing in near future when i had started looking for a new job, just hadnt said anything, cuz i figured why dredge all this **** up if he wanted a D. he wanted it i was(am) fully prepared to give it to him. still am today, its this sudden i may want to work it out crap that has pulled me back in a little bit. stupid me.

you all know me on here, i am all for doing the right thing, i let him go, got myself to where i was gonna be fine without him, is it normal to feel hesitation in a situation like this? you who know me on here know i dont want to stoop to his level, i wont do it.
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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

So, you have never even met the guy you've been talking to? Is he single?
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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*you all know me on here, i am all for doing the right thing, i let him go, got myself to where i was gonna be fine without him, is it normal to feel hesitation in a situation like this? you who know me on here know i dont want to stoop to his level, i wont do it.*

It IS normal to hesitate. The right thing in this..... is whatever works for you, that you can do with a clear mind. 

Also...you can file for a divorce without an attorney. Do the homework online. Find the Petition for Divorce, or whatever they call it in your state. It didn't let me copy and paste, but I could type it to look the same. (Duh) Which I did, then took it down to the courthouse and paid $219 to file. You only have to get an attorney if it is complicated, or extenuating circumstances, or if your county says its mandatory. 

You are still thinkin in terms of h. That HE might be changing his mind. HE might want to work on it. HE might not like it if you file. HE might get clingy or wierd about it. 

Well....he's been gone for 9 mos. Who cares what HE wants???? Why does he even get a vote?? Make up your mind in regard to YOURSELF, not him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

He asked to come home on Thursday, agreed to full transparency, counseling, whole 9 yards. He called the girl and ended it, poor thing cried, whatever LOL. He has been reading the books I bought, I called the friend and said that we cannot continue our friendship at this time, if ever, until me and him get into a better place.

I know that I should do everything I can to save this, he is wondering if I am over him or not, the emotional disconnect is there on both sides, I mean for me 9 months of rejection and stuff, bound to happen right? I was finally to the point in last month month and a half where I was getting really good at letting go. Is it normal to waver back and forth if it's a good decision or not in the early days? I will be making a counseling apt for both of us tomorrow. I can't decide if it is fear, emotional disconnect, actually moving on, or a combo of the first two. I go from excited to work it out to meh, I just want to move on. I wonder if the moving on is driven by fear, fear of hard work, fear of getting burned again, etc. I will keep updated.

Weird turn of events in just a few days huh?


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## weR2 (Jul 9, 2011)

paramore said:


> my main wonder is if i am under any obligatiin to tell the separated husband that i plan on meeting this guy (safety first when it comes to meeting of course), i feel no since he has been saying for months its for sure over up until sunday.
> and no he will not meet my children, come to my home, etc. just because i have gotten to know him well over the phone doesnt mean he gets full access to my whole life, trust me im not completely bonkers
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From what I see here, you both have love for each other!!! It seems that you are both unsure as to the next step. Honesty is a key factor in a TRUE relationship, if you cannot tell your best friend/life partner then......? Often times we think that it is best for the other to not know what is really going on in our head, BUT, I know from experience that I can tell when "something is up". And from there I have to discover for myself what it is, sometimes that takes a number of years, but I usually discover (somewhat).

I say be honest and true, communicate your thoughts and ideas, understand each other's thoughts and ideas, LOVE each other. I can imagine that he is encouraging you to "find yourself", to know and understand what you want, so that then the two of you can move together out of "limbo". Whether that be together or apart is to be determined. My wife has doubts often, and I always encourage her to "search". I love her and want the best for her, whether that is with me or with someone else. My love for her is not selfish. I want to be sure that I did not hold her back spiritually, mentally, or physically.


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

You sound pretty sure you don't want to continue with your husband. Then file divorce and move on with your new life. As another poster says, you do so only because you have fallen out of love with him not because of the new guy. That is, you end the relationship for yourself because that's the best for you, not because anybody else. You have waited. How he feels is something he has to deal with. Even if he wants you back, he has missed his chance because you don't anymore. He has to understand that.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

well 3 days, and he left last night on our anniversary, he wasnt so sure anymore, i was willing to do everything, i called friend and said we couldnt speak anymore gave him everything. he said we were disconnected well duh, he started saying all the **** like i dont want to prolong or hurt anyone, whatever, im done, i gave him 9 months, he gave me 3 days. sad thing is now my marriage is done, that is highly upsetting, but i hurt someone who i cared for as a very good friend deeply for him, and he will probably never speak to me again, thanks hubby for saying all the right things, and dumping on me again, sayonara, ugh here i go again, last damn time.
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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Ouch! Sorry, I remember how much that sucks. But don't beat yourself up about it. You tried, one last time.... and now you KNOW.

And this time... you'll remember why it's over. 


When my ex walked out, I had a mantra.... "Thank You, and F*ck You". The thank you was for giving me what I needed the most ... less him! And the FU was pretty much for having the nerve to do that to me!  

NOW you can move on. Give yourself permission.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

now i am pretty sure my friend wont talk to me anymore, i made a bad choice.
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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

now i am pretty sure my friend wont talk to me anymore, i made a bad choice. tried calling, hasnt called back. i just feel like a horrible person.
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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

**** him as soon as bankruptcy is over i am filing, i am done with this bull****, he can go in an iron bull and roast for eternity.
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