# How do I fall in love again?



## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

How do you fall in love with your husband again? Or how do you just accept that it is never going to be what you thought it would be? He is sweet. He treats me with respect. He listens to me. 

But there is no passion and almost no sex. In his current condition, it just isnt' going to happen.

I don't care about the things he cares about. I listen and make encouraging comments. He had to write a bunch of things for a Bible study an d he said these things about me:

I show genuine concern for him and for my friends that are going through things. I don't brush them aside.
I support him and encourage him.
I am his best friend.
I'm a good homemaker.


So why don't I feel it? I want a fun, passionate partner... I'm never going to have that. There will always be stresses and things for him to worry about and now this medical condition makes it even worse. 

I just wish things could be different...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How long have you been married? Any kids? What is your age range? My W has a serious medical condition also so I have some understanding of your situation. Is your husband's condition reversible or is it a rest-of-life condition?


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

We have been married for 25 years. Two kids are in college and one teen is left at home... Is the medical condition changable, yeah if he quit his job maybe. Stress and lack of sleep make it worse. But his whole sense of identity comes from his job. He is struggling so much...to be honest, he has been for the last decade. The medical issue happened a little over a year ago, probably because of all the stress he is under. I'm weary...


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

hazel55 said:


> How do you fall in love with your husband again?
> 
> So why don't I feel it?


Hazel,

You can't wait to feel it; that is just not how it works. You will be rewarded with feelings of romantic love when you do or participate in those activities. Until that happens, your energy remains potential and not kinetic. It is for this reason that I disagree when couples insist that their relationship must change and give up things that were characteristic of those intense first moments.

From what I read, it seems likely that romance is still on the table. Make it happen and then feelings will follow.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Has your H ever received medical advice to the effect of quitting his job to improve his overall health?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Is the medical condition erectile dysfunction?


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

nm


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *Has your H ever received medical advice to the effect of quitting his job to improve his overall health?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope, quite the contrary.... Because he is one of them, they told him to go back to work 3 weeks after the incident.... I've looked online and most people take 3 months off work...but no.... They think he is superhuman like they are...to admit that they he isn't would be to admit that they are not.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

No one has any ideas for me. I hate feeling so dead inside.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Don't despair. I think a lot of us are in the age bracket with kids grown up and your life is changing. 

You have to find a new normal. 

Do you remember when you first met and how you felt? What made you fall in love with him? 

Think of all the qualities that he had at that time. How he used to make you feel and how you used to act around him. Maybe, the sex wouldn't be the same and nothing is the same. But the people who you used to be is still inside you. Try finding that person again.

I do this exercise every time I feel I am growing away from my H. I repeat this to myself and let it become my mantra, "I love this man". Put his name in there. Remember how happy you were together in the past. Think of all the wonderful things he does for you and you for him. Let positive thoughts of your friendship and relationship fill your being. Do this for as long as you need. It changes your perception of your relationship from negative to positive. Try it.

You don't have to have things in common to enjoy being together. You don't have to do everything together. It's good to be able to do your own individual things and then return to each other.

For his medical issues, have you taken him to the doctor lately? How about an allergist to see if he is allergic to certain food. Because a gluten sensitivity can have fatigue and headaches etc as symptoms. How is his diet? Does he exercise? High blood pressure, also have headaches and low energy as symptoms. 

I hope this helps you, sister girl. It can be found again. Don't give up hope.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I am confused. Did you say that your husband has not visited a doctor about his health issues? WTH?

My wife has a serious medical condition, eventually life threatening, that we wish we had diagnosed earlier. She is younger than your H.

A coworker of mine retired two years ago. He had great family, wife, kids, was active church member, very frugal and thus large 401K savings etc. Last month he passed away from cancer. 

My point is why in the world would H not go to the doctor? If he is alpha, an alpha does not fear a doctor visit but takes control of the situation and makes use of the resources available to him. I don't buy his superman excuse. He is either afraid of what the doctor find or afraid that his coworkers will find out he is seeing a doctor. That is certainly NOT the making of a superman, nor an alpha. 

Even superman had a weakness.


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## sumij (Feb 8, 2016)

Low sex drive and exhaustion, as long as the medical condition is ruled out, could be signs of low testosterone. On your side, is there time for the 2 of you to do fun things together? Maybe even once a week. Try going outside your normal routines and do something new.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

No, he has seen a doctor.., we will be seeing the neurologist again next week. The problem is that he is one... Hence the neurosurgeon told him to go back to work in 3 weeks because after all, he was a go getter, not a traditonal ( weakling) patient... When I did research on the internet, I saw that most people that had what happened to him were off at least 3 months... 

My husband does not want to look like a wimp among his peers... His neurologist basically says the brain is the longest thing to heal.. and who knows how much it will... He has no big deficits...just fatigue...


His partners think he should be over this by now...it has been a year... It is the fact that doctors think of themselves and each others as superhuman...




blueinbr said:


> I am confused. Did you say that your husband has not visited a doctor about his health issues? WTH?
> 
> My wife has a serious medical condition, eventually life threatening, that we wish we had diagnosed earlier. She is younger than your H.
> 
> ...


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

You need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling inside. Don't just push your desire for passion aside because it won't die. From what little you've shared it looks to me like you became really good at supporting your husband, even when you don't personally find what he likes interesting. You show interest in him and what he does, give him your thoughts and attention so he feels great and loved and like all is well.
What he has no idea about is that you don't feel supported by him or that he is interested in you and your desires.

Five years ago I was where you are minus the physical condition, which I imagine adds an even bigger weight on you since you feel you need to just buck up and deal with it because it's not his fault. I'll be honest and say I cannot speak into that part of it, but what I can share is this: 5 years ago I was feeling a lot of what you are describing and I just thought I had to live with it. 
I found myself googling things like, 'how to bring the passion back', 'what do you do after 20 years of marriage'...
Anyway there are two things that were going on with me, 
1. I had lost myself.
2. I wasn't sharing my true feelings with my husband. 

The only way I could come back from this place was to find myself (without leaving the relationship) 

When you feel dead inside you need to take action because it doesn't get better from here by itself.

I can't stress enough that you need to have a very gut honest convo with your husband. Be kind and loving and let him know you're not blaming him but that you need to let I'm know where things are for you. Chances are he will be very surprised and hopefully sympathetic. Tell him you value the connection in your marriage too much to try and figure this all out on your own. (Believe me going through emotional crisis alone is a recipe for disaster) Let him in on the processes going on in your mind. Let your inside voice out.

You have to become a team to revive the passion/connection.
It's true, passion won't look like when you were first married or romantic movies, but you two have a special bond and you can forge together your own flavor of what this season of passion can be.
For me, just hearing that my husband supported me in finding who I am after 20 years of raising kids and cleaning house, was huge. He affirmed my past efforts and encouraged me to try out what my next 20 years are going to consist of.
As I began to pursue healing for some of my past and get more grounded in my own emotional health I began to find that making a connection with him was easier.
And I began to be more honest. I let my inside voice out (for my husband) and he got to learn about me in ways I didn't realize I had never expressed out loud. I thought he just knew and didn't care.
I was waiting for my turn and he didn't even know that I had feelings that didn't coincide with his. 

Please, be proactive. You have to take action before the happy feelings start to return, like was mentioned by another poster here. Feelings follow actions. But you may need some healing for yourself so you can learn to express who you are.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

I think he may have had low t before the medical incident, but since the medical incident, it wouldn't matter. He cannot take testosterone. It is contraindicated in his condition.



sumij said:


> Low sex drive and exhaustion, as long as the medical condition is ruled out, could be signs of low testosterone. On your side, is there time for the 2 of you to do fun things together? Maybe even once a week. Try going outside your normal routines and do something new.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

tigerlily99 said:


> You need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling inside. Don't just push your desire for passion aside because it won't die. From what little you've shared it looks to me like you became really good at supporting your husband, even when you don't personally find what he likes interesting. You show interest in him and what he does, give him your thoughts and attention so he feels great and loved and like all is well.
> What he has no idea about is that you don't feel supported by him or that he is interested in you and your desires.
> 
> e.


This was true in 2012... I did have the honest talks...his work situation was still a mess.. I collapsed and got suicidal.... He tuned into my needs but then had the medical condition and I am back to being his caregiver again... I am the only one he talks to... I am his best friend and confidant. He DOES care about me. I don't doubt that, but he just doesn't have the strength to really support me right now.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

hazel55 said:


> No one has any ideas for me. I hate feeling so dead inside.


Op, You also seem very impatient, from the above and your posts in your other two threads. Just an observation. 

Are you still bored with your life? Do you know why you fell out of love? 

Do you blame your husband for your situation? Be honest.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Op, You also seem very impatient, from the above and your posts in your other two threads. Just an observation.
> 
> Are you still bored with your life? Do you know why you fell out of love?
> 
> Do you blame your husband for your situation? Be honest.


I'm just so, so tired of this...

Bored with my life...yeah I guess I am.

I probably fell out of love because there is no passion ( sex) and it is hard to be in love with someone you have to take care of. Companionship/Friendship love, yes... I have that. I love him. I am just not in love with him.

How can I blame him for being a caring person? How can I blame him for this medical condition? How can I blame him for how much he is struggling... It is natural to do so... To be xxxx and now looking at the fact that you may not be able to do xxxx much longer.... That would be a blow to your self esteem.... Then you have your wife saying, "I miss making love to you..." Boy, I bet he feels like a complete failure.. But I can't fix that... 

I want the confident, fun guy that I married back.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

hazel55 said:


> he was a go getter, not a traditonal ( weakling) patient...


This ^^. What a terrible attitude for a doctor to have. Patients are weaklings?

Your husband is unhappy. You are unhappy. He won't make the effort to fix the marriage. You won't do something else to meet your needs. 

As long as you will not entertain the idea of divorcing him, you have NO LEVERAGE to get him to change and thus you will be stuck in this situation until he passes away from this medical condition.


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## sumij (Feb 8, 2016)

Sorry to hear that. There are other supplements which help testosterone production, but you'd want to find a qualified doctor who specializes in it. If it wouldn't interfere with his condition, things like DHEA and pregnenolone help. But again, I'd check with a doctor on that for him. 

I agree with tigerlily99:

"When you feel dead inside you need to take action because it doesn't get better from here by itself."

If you can take steps to nurture yourself and find what you need in order to be happy in your life, it will improve your relationship with your husband as well.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

hazel55 said:


> How can I blame him for being a caring person? How can I blame him for this medical condition? How can I blame him for how much he is struggling... It is natural to do so... To be xxxx and now looking at the fact that you may not be able to do xxxx much longer.... That would be a blow to your self esteem.... Then you have your wife saying, "I miss making love to you..." Boy, I bet he feels like a complete failure.. But I can't fix that...
> 
> I want the confident, fun guy that I married back.


How is he caring when he won't fix what he has the power to fix?

His medical condition is fixable. He knows it. He just won't do what is necessary because of his ego.

Normally when the ILYBIANILWY is spoken or thought, the marriage is near the end. Have you told him this?


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> How is he caring when he won't fix what he has the power to fix?
> 
> His medical condition is fixable. He knows it. He just won't do what is necessary because of his ego.
> 
> Normally when the ILYBIANILWY is spoken or thought, the marriage is near the end. Have you told him this?


The medical condition is not fixable or so far. WE have been to the neurologist probably 15 times over the last year, trying different medications...most have had horrible side effects that won't let him do his job... None have helped. He IS trying. He isn't sitting at home doing nothing...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I am a caregiver for my W so I know this is hard. Are you tired of being a caregiver?

You must have discussed sex in the past. What does he say? Did he say that he does not want sex anymore?


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> I am a caregiver for my W so I know this is hard. Are you tired of being a caregiver?
> 
> You must have discussed sex in the past. What does he say? Did he say that he does not want sex anymore?



Actually, the first time we ever discussed sex is when I brought it up in 2012... since then I've brought it up 4 or 5 times... He just feels stressed and tired.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

hazel55 said:


> I tried reaching out this morning and asking for sex... he didn't even answer me... He just got up and took a shower. We then went about our normal routine. We talked about our plans for the day. He prayed for me..
> 
> I am his best friend. He says he can talk to me about anything... just not sex I guess... It has been a month and I am so lonely.


What does this mean? You said, "Hey lets have sex and he ignored you?" You seem very passive aggressive. Does he understand your horny and what to get fvcked? Have you said THAT?!?

What would happen if you put on sexy lingerie and just jumped his bones and ravaged him? Would he push you away? He might be tired but he's not dead inside like you say you are.

Try that. I'm serious, sometime you need to make it happen, and if he STILL pushes you away it's time to talk divorce. You are miserable and sex in my opinion is a mandatory requirement of marriage.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> Hazel, I don't have any advice, but just wanted to tell you that I feel for you. When I felt my husband's desire level go down, it was really devastating. The only way I can describe it is to say that it made me feel like all the colour went out of my life; nothing was fun anymore, nothing else mattered.
> 
> We were planning a vacation to somewhere that I love, and I had been excited about it, but try as I might, I couldn't bear the thought of being there with him and him not wanting me. I was going to have to cancel it as I knew I'd just be an emotional basket case throughout and make him feel terrible.
> 
> ...


Thank you. That is exactly how I feel. It helps just to know I'm not alone and not crazy...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

hazel55 said:


> Actually, the first time we ever discussed sex is when I brought it up in 2012... since then I've brought it up 4 or 5 times... He just feels stressed and tired.


So he has been "stressed and tired" for four years? He is unhappy. You are unhappy. Until one of you does something different this will just continue for many more years. 

You say that your husband's condition is treatable if he quits work. Sounds like he is choosing work over your happiness, his happiness and your marriage. Financially he is able to cut his hours in half without difficulty. What is stopping that? Worrying about what the other superman doctor's will think? 

You will not divorce, so you are choosing unhappiness over happiness.

It all comes down to choices, tough choices. You either make the tough choices or stay unhappy. 

If you are just posting for sympathy, we can give you that too.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> You are neither alone, nor crazy, rest assured. I think you're mourning the (probable) death of something very important to you, something fundamental to your happiness. And you have to mourn it alone, because you* can't* share your feelings with the man you love without hurting him. It's just terrible.


"Can't" is not the right word here. It is "won't" or "are unwilling to".

She CAN share her feelings with him but chooses her unhappiness over his unhappiness. She might think she knows how is going to respond but she CAN'T know for sure and WON'T know for sure until she talks to him. 

This lack of willingness to communicate will keep both of them unhappy.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

hazel55 said:


> How can I blame him for being a caring person? How can I blame him for this medical condition? How can I blame him for how much he is struggling... It is natural to do so... To be xxxx and now looking at the fact that you may not be able to do xxxx much longer.... That would be a blow to your self esteem.... Then you have your wife saying, "I miss making love to you..." Boy, I bet he feels like a complete failure.. But I can't fix that...
> 
> *I want the confident, fun guy that I married back.*


 @hazel55:

I think the part I've quoted here is the clue to your answer, but especially the part I bolded. If you really want to fall back in love with your spouse again, there are a couple things going on all at the same time that are going to need to change. 

1) You may feel like a jerk for feeling this way, but based on the way you word things, you do blame him for his medical condition. Now I'm not saying this is a "bad" thing and I think that's how you think about it yourself or at least think that's how people will judge you. But here's the thing--until he got this "medical condition" things were okay and now he's ruined it by getting sick! This was supposed to be a time when you got to enjoy the fruits of all these decades of labor, a second honeymoon, those happy golden years! Instead there's no happiness, no honeymoon, and no "enjoyment" and all because he got sick! 

I'm not saying this is the most selfless, charitable, noble attitude, but I think it may be REALITY, and if that's true, then it will help a lot to just face it head-on and be honest. It's okay. You're a human being and us human beings aren't always perfect! It's actually pretty realistic to be disappointed and have to deal with the grief of losing your hopes. That doesn't mean the future has to be unhappy, honeymoon-less, and unenjoyable either--it just means that you're going to have to wrestle with accepting a new "normal." And "acceptance" is hard! 

2) If you want a loving relationship, you have to BUILD a loving relationship--they don't just "happen." Look, hazel55, you've been married a long time and you've been around the block a time or two. You're not some dewy-eyed teenager who thinks you *always* feel infatuated and whatnot. So as a mature adult, if you want to feel love for your spouse, you can't just sit back and expect him to do all the work and "make you love him." That's not how it works! If you want a loving marriage, it's something that you BUILD. And you can start building love in two ways: look at your own self and a) stop doing the things that tear down love in your marriage, and b) start doing the things that grow love in your marriage. 

So to start, again I say start with yourself because no matter how much you try you just cannot control your husband--but you CAN control you. So what are you doing to build love? What are you doing to increase the closeness and fun in your marriage? What are you doing that makes vulnerability and openness safe? What actions are you taking--not thoughts and not talking about it, but ACTIONS? What effort have YOU put into changing your marriage for the better? If you say "Well gee not that much" then there you go! Start there! And if you say "I put in ALL the effort" then you're keeping score. 

3) You are in mourning because "the confident, fun guy you married" is dead. Hazel55, in real life you are holding onto a ghost, because that guy is no longer here. Your holding onto "the confident, fun guy you married" would be roughly the same as if your husband kept trying to make you into the skinny, slightly crazy girl you were when you two first met! In real life, LIFE intervenes, and the two of you have made memories together and your body has borne him children, and you may have bits of that skinny crazy girl inside, but outside you have grown and changed. So has he! Look at him right now, as he is now. He provided a good life for you. He made memories with you--some good and some not as good. And he is the man he is NOW. He's greying. He's distinguished. He's fairly well-off. He's ambitious. He's smart as a whip. 

So the last part you have to deal with is letting go of "the confident, fun guy you married." That's not to say this man can't be confident. Or fun! But he's just not that kid anymore. So you may need to symbolically bury "the guy you married" and give yourself some time to mourn the loss of your expectation. You had a certain vision A in your head, and now that life had turned it into B, you keep trying to make B into A. But hey, guess what? There's plenty of good stuff about B if you'd just accept it for what it is: B. So introduce yourself to THIS GUY (the guy he is), and see what you can build with the man he is now.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Have you considered a cruise? They can be very relaxing. You can really disconnect if you make sure you don't allow Internet connection.
Make sure to get one at least seven days. You don't really start to unwind from day-to-day stresses until day 3 or day 4. 

Sounds like he has become a workaholic. You may or may not want to engage in the following, but here are some ideas.

Backrub: Just give him a non-sexual backrub for 15 minutes a night. Make it a nightly ritual. It will help him separate work from home life. Pair it with a glass of wine and some nice jazz. Help him get to a slower pace when he gets home. 

Plan a Date Night: What does he like to do? Get tickets for something you both enjoy. If you plan the night, that eliminates a source of stress for him and gives you time together.

Make Home a Sanctuary: Do you have lots of Honey-Dos for him on the weekend? Put those on the back burner. Get him conditioned to think of home as his escape from the practice, not his second work front.

Cut Spending: Somewhat contradictory to cruise & date night advice above. But are there areas you can cut spending and still be happy. Maybe lower financial burden will make him feel less trapped in his work.

Sell Partnership?: Is it realistic to think about getting out of the practice? Maybe work as an employee in a "Doc in the Box" instead. Not financially smart. But what good is money going to do him if he's dead?

The first step to having him treat you like a queen is taking the first step and treating him like a king. May not be realistic, but somebody's got to make the first move. He simply can't do it because he's caught on the rat race treadmill. YOu have to start throwing the breadcrumbs that lead him out of the work maze.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

hazel55 said:


> I want a fun, passionate partner... I'm *never* going to have that. There will always be stresses and things for him to worry about and now this medical condition makes it even worse.
> 
> I just wish things could be different...


MarriedTex has a great idea. Go on a long cruise to reconnect with your husband. Get the books His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters, as well as the 5 Love Languages and read them together. He needs to know that you have needs that must be met for the marriage to survive and you both have to figure out together how to get them met.

I know how you feel, regarding the love being dead. That happened to me around 10 years into our marriage due to feeling marginalized and being worn out. The love does come back, but you have to work on your own issues and do all the things that you would do if you were in love.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Affaircare said:


> @hazel55:
> 
> 
> 
> ...





You have given me much to think about.. Thank you.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Get the books His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters, as well as the 5 Love Languages and read them together. He needs to know that you have needs that must be met for the marriage to survive and you both have to figure out together how to get them met.
> .


Been there. Done that. I even went on the MB show... We don't really have any love busters. We've never spoken disrespectfully or raised our voices at each other. I can't remember now as it was 3 years ago, but my top needs were Recreational Companionship,Admiration, Sex, Conversation and Affection His top needs were openess and honesty, family commitment physical attractiveness, domestic support and 5th was sex.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

OK, so you have been his rock. His solace. You're so good at what you do that he has come to take you for granted, it seems. 

You are the female equivalent of the prototypical "Nice Guy" referenced in the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book written by Robert Glover.

Essentially, nice guys (like me) are not so nice in reality. We sacrifice in silence and then develop resentments when the world - and specifically our partners - do not respond in the way we want in acknowledging our noble deeds.

What Nice Guys do not (cannot?) do is communicate their needs in a productive way that allows our partners to understand our priorities. How would you rate your ability to talk about your needs / priorities with your husband? 

In my case, I have a very dysfunctional relationship that feeds the nice guy cycle in unhealthy ways. My partner typically becomes very pouty if I pursue an activity that falls outside the scope of her preferences. So, I am continually faced with the choice of whether this particular contemplated activity is worth the price of the cold shoulder that I will get at home in response. As a result, I frequently subsume my own desires / preferences just in an effort to keep the peace at home. This gets us through the day but leaves me with resentments that will likely poison the relationship over the long haul. 

Do you have similar misgivings about expressing your needs? You listen to him talk about guns. Does he show interest / support for any of your hobbies out of his sweet spot? 

The bottom line lesson of the "Nice Guy" theme is that the problem lies not with our partner. But it rests within our own inability to communicate our issues clearly and set boundaries / consequences when those needs are not met.


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