# Need a neutral opinion: Am I in the wrong?



## WriterGuy

I’ve always been very close to my parents, and it’s something for which I’ve always felt fortunate. They live in England and I live in the States, so we obviously don’t see each other on a regular basis.

My parents come and stay with us twice a year—each visit being two weeks long, as the journey from the UK is tedious and it can take several days or more to get over the jet lag. Their visits mean a lot to me, as it’s naturally a chance to spend time with them. My wife, however, finds the visits tedious after the first week. She does not enjoy houseguests and relishes her own space. 

My wife wants the visits shortened and, if at all possible, for them to stay in hotels instead of our house. I’d feel terrible asking them to float a hotel bill when they could stay in our guest bedroom (we have a three-bedroom house) for free. I know houseguests are work, and I know dealing with in-laws can be a problem. I should say my parents love my wife and have no clue she finds them a hindrance after a while, which makes the situation more uncomfortable.

My take on it is that I don’t get to see them very often, so I don’t necessarily want to boot them into a hotel or say they can’t stay for two weeks. My parents are in their 60s and 70s, so I know it’s only a matter of time before they’re unable to make the journey out. My mother and I bonded at an early age when my birth father walked out, and my stepfather—who I consider my father—went above-and-beyond the call of duty in treating my sister and I as if we were his own kids.

In March, our first child is due. My wife told me my folks can come out in July and stay for 10 days. Am I wrong to be upset by this? They're not going to have the opportunity to see the grandchild a lot (neither are my wife's parents, who live out of state).

To me, two two-week visits a year don’t seem that much. Am I wrong to think this? My wife says I'm putting my parents before her, but I don't believe I am . . . I'm just enjoying spending with them what time I can. Again, am I being inconsiderate here?

Any advice would be great. Thanks!


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## greeeneyedwife

I think you both need to compromise on this one. 2 weeks at a time is a long visit. If you continue to allow things to go on as they are now, without taking your wife's feelings into account, she will continue to gain more and more resentment about their visits to the point that she will no longer want to see them at all.

When they visit, how about having them stay at your house for 1 week, and then stay at a hotel the second week? 

When the baby comes, how about inviting them for 10 days in May, and you make sure you can have those 10 days at home as well so all the responsibility of caring for a baby AND entertaining in-laws doesn't fall on your wife? 

The important thing is, sit down and talk to her to find a solution you can BOTH live with.


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## Affaircare

This is my personal opinion:

You are putting your parents before your wife. Your wife is your intimate life partner now and the person whom you will spend the next 60 or 70 years with if you work at staying intimately connected to her. You spent 20 years (or so) with your parents and when you marry, you volunteer to LEAVE your parents and CLEAVE to your wife.

That being said, I would suggest that you and your wife immediately adopt an agreement between you--I call it Mutual United Understanding. This means that you two agree with each other that you will do NOTHING...make no life-decisions...until you both mutually, enthusiastically reach an united understanding. It is her job to speak up and not just agree to things to "shut you up"--and it is your job to speak up and not just agree to things to "shut her up." If you force her to do things *your* way, you will breed resentment in her and you can see on any thread here that resentment is one of the biggest marriage killers EVER! Likewise, if she were to force you to do things *her* way, you would resent her and the fact she controls you, etc. So agree NOW that you two will keep working and keep negotiating until you can both, enthusiastically say, "You know what? I agree to that! We have an understanding!" 

Now, regarding this specific situation, I suggest that you IMMEDIATELY let your wife know, in no uncertain terms, that you put her and your child first and that because you do, you see the error of your ways regarding your parents' visit. Let her know about the Mutual United Understanding and that the two of you will always stand together on things and back each other up and work together as a team--even against parents if you have to. Let her know that you do, personally, enjoy their visits, but you love her most and during the birth of your child you know she'll already be tired and challenged and you don't want to add to the burden and make it worse. Finally, make a respectful request to open negotiations regarding the topic of the visit, and make sure you're clear you will hear her and LISTEN to her reasons...and that you'd ask for the same from her. Then look for alternatives. 

This is just me, but from where I sit, they do not need to spend 14 continuous days in your guest bedroom. Shoot, let them stay 3 days and then YOU pay for a hotel room for 3 days. Love ya but that way THEY get a break from you too ya know! :lol: It's conceivable they may want to privacy too!  Or suggest that they stay Mon-Fri in your guest bedroom but Sat. & Sun. night YOU buy one night and they buy the other, and then BOTH couples get some precious free time! Or... well shoot you get the idea. There are PLENTY of options you aren't considering, and trust me when I say that having a new baby is TIRING!! This is the last time in the world you want to be messing with a woman because she'll remember it forever. I mean *For-Ev-ER*! 

So in summary: you two agree to Mutual United Understandings. Then, #1 let her know you come down FIRMLY 100% in *HER* corner and #2 negotiate to reach an understanding you are both enthusiastic about. There are plenty of options.


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## WriterGuy

Thank you, both, for the helpful advice. It's greatly appreciated and will be put to use!


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## lime

I can relate to you a little, as I have a great relationship with my parents and always have a fun time with them. I don't think you're being unreasonable wanting them to stay for 2 weeks twice a year, but your wife's situation is very different from yours during those visits. It would be appropriate to compromise in a way that's fair to your parents, but still fair to your wife--I like all the ideas suggested like having them stay in a hotel for a little while, having them stay a little shorter each time, etc. OR, if you can afford it, you could compromise by going out to visit them instead; that way your wife won't have to worry about entertaining/cleaning up after guests and you could both enjoy a nice vacation in another country 

Also, with a newborn baby, I think they should even be staying LESS than 10 days... It is incredibly stressful for a new mom to learn the ropes of parenting and caring for a baby, and the added pressure of cooking, cleaning up after guests, changing sheets, extra laundry, entertainment, etc. is going to be near impossible when sleep deprived, hormonal, and in pain from recovery. What if she has problems nursing? What if the baby is sick and needs special attention? All of these things will make your wife more stressed and less able to worry about keeping house. For this visit, it would be important to talk to your parents about their expectations...Does your wife normally cook amazing meals for them, take care to make sure their comfortable, etc? If so, this visit might be the time to switch roles and have your parents do those things for her. She might appreciate if they cooked for her, did her laundry and the baby's, and generally helped out while they visited. This would make the situation infinitely better for her, and it might make your parents happy to help ease the tensions of a new baby. Also, they could volunteer to watch the baby while she got some alone time or while you both went out to dinner. Or you could take over your wife's entertainment responsibilities for that visit. 

Just another random note... When I was a baby and a little kid, my grandparents would come and stay with us for WEEKS, I mean like 3+ weeks, 4+ times a year. As a kid, I absolutely HATED it. I cannot emphasize enough how awful it was. I loved my grandparents, I loved visiting THEM, I loved talking to them on the phone, but they totally ruined our home during their visits, and my parents would be so stressed trying to keep house...Not to mention my grandma, who is a great cook, would totally reorganize the ENTIRE kitchen so none of us could find anything we needed lol! They basically swooped in, took over, created chaos, and then (thankfully!) left. So just a word of caution: more time with the grandkids does NOT always mean more love and a better relationship...Some of my favorite memories were making crafts, writing letters, and taking pictures to send to my grandparents.


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## unbelievable

If everyone spoke the truth, you'd probably find your parents would welcome some private space of their own. You have the perfect excuse and opportunity to please everyone. Lay on a nice hotel room for your parents. Explain to them that the baby won't be sleeping through the night for some time and you just wanted them to be more comfortable and well rested so they could enjoy their visit. Your wife might need their help in the daytime, so somebody has to get some sleep. Wife is happy, your parents think you're considerate, and all it takes to extricate you from the drama is a few hundred for a decent hotel room. That's an investment in your sanity.


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## marcy*

I don't think two weeks is too much, really. I can't imagine my mom, to come from overseas and stays with us only a week. The trip takes too long, and you need at least two days to get relaxed.
I can't imagine to send my mother who comes for me, in a hotel. What's the point?
She made to many sacrifices to raise me, and what I'm doing? I can't take care of her even for two weeks? 
Is the same thing for my mother -in -low. If you respect your husband you have to respect his parents. I can't live with my mother -in -low forever, but for two weeks is not a problem. She has the right to be there for her son, her grandchildren. When I go to my country I stay to my family, and my husband's family for more than one month, and they cry when we leave.
Other people are keeping in their houses strangers, helping out friends and you can't keep your family even for some days?!

Anyway, Your wife is right that she doesn't want your parents to come right after the birth of your child. She needs some time alone for herself, and her child.


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## BigBadWolf

No.

Do not let your wife dictate in any terms how many days your parents can or cannot stay. 

If she is overwhelmed, then your responsibility is to pick up whatever slack is necessary of course, but that should be that.

Even the new child, after four months, your routine is settled in mostly. Do not walk on eggshells at this point, else it will ripple for years and years in the relationship that if your wife tells you to jump and you are automatically wondering how high! 

Look up on these forums what a "fitness test" is, and what they mean.

That you are "putting your parents above your woman" unless you cave in to your wife's dictation, classic "fitness test"!

Take care of what needs to be taken care of, that the burden of your parents is not on your woman. 

Be open to communication on this, but do NOT let your woman dictate some arbitrary deadline, not at all, never. 

I wish you well.


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## lime

BigBadWolf said:


> No.
> 
> Do not let your wife dictate in any terms how many days your parents can or cannot stay.
> 
> If she is overwhelmed, then your responsibility is to pick up whatever slack is necessary of course, but that should be that.
> 
> Even the new child, after four months, your routine is settled in mostly. Do not walk on eggshells at this point, else it will ripple for years and years in the relationship that if your wife tells you to jump and you are automatically wondering how high!
> 
> Look up on these forums what a "fitness test" is, and what they mean.
> 
> That you are "putting your parents above your woman" unless you cave in to your wife's dictation, classic "fitness test"!
> 
> Take care of what needs to be taken care of, that the burden of your parents is not on your woman.
> 
> Be open to communication on this, but do NOT let your woman dictate some arbitrary deadline, not at all, never.
> 
> I wish you well.


Interesting, I hadn't thought of this as a "fitness test" but it does make sense. In that case, I would agree don't let your wife put an arbitrary limit on how long your parents can stay, and don't let her and only her be the one choosing when they are allowed to visit. BUT, you shouldn't be arbitrarily imposing anything either (ie: "My parents WILL stay for 2 weeks and they WILL come on this date" etc.) because then you'd be just as bad. The house/baby belong to BOTH of you, so it's up to both of you to talk about everything together and compromise.


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## Bluemoon7

Do you pick them up from the airport, cook their meals, help with the cleaning before and after the visit? If you aren't the one doing these things, can you really blame your wife? It's a lot of work having house guests, two weeks is a looong time, and the expectations of in-laws can make it even more stressful. I'd be very careful about stressing her out when she is a new mother. You don't want to make things harder for her than they already are or she might resent you.


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## michzz

Interesting that nobody notices that he's a new father, just that she's a new mother so she needs this and that.

Sure, one shifts focus from birth family to spouse in a marriage. But a two-week visit twice a year is hardly excessive.

If she is all stressed out about them visiting, deal with it as the stress happens. Don't poison the well by planning to be stressed out and fulfilling prophecy.

Has it occurred to anyone that maybe his mom would be overjoyed to share in helping out during their visit?

Are they really expecting to be waited on?

You can set their expectations if that is your fear.

Family is very important. Treating grandparents to her own child as nothing more than an imposition cheats her child of one of the best joys of life--grandparents.

That she is not close to her own parents is both telling and irrelevant to whether he should be as distant as she is to her own parents.


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## 4sure

His parents see their son 1 month out of 12, his wife is with him all 12 months and somehow he is being unreasonable? I think not. The wife is being selfish.

So does "putting wife first" mean dumping ones parents? I hope not, because I want to see my sons after they are married. After all who does wife think raised this wonderful man, and soon to be father, that she calls husband.

So to keep ones spouse happy, and not resentful you have to do everything that person says. BS. What about his feelings? 

BBWolf is correct. If you give in to this it will lead to other caveins, and everything will have to be 'her way' When she knows she can push you then she will no longer respect you.


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## 4sure

You have a great relationship with your parents, she does not. Same with me and h.

For years my husband and I would argue about his parents, more about his mom. I had the same overwhelming feelings. Deep down I resented his parents, because they reminded me of the relationship I wanted so much with my own parents. All I got was rejection from my parents. When she visited I felt like an outsider. She would love him, hug him, all things that wonderful moms do. It all reminded me of how my mom couldn't, for whatever reason, give me this love I so desired. I was jealous. Why does he have the good parents, and I got stuck with the crappy ones?

I worked thru this. Now I absolutely love my parent-in-laws. I learned to accept, and receive the same love they give their son. I love for my mil to visit. I ask her when is she coming to spend the night. She cooks so good yummm.

Maybe your wife feels somewhat like this. She may not know why she feels this way. It took along time for me to realize what was wrong with me. 

I wish you the best. And congrats on the baby. I can tell by reading this you will be a great daddy.


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## michzz

I'm not an extremely religious man, but it seems to me that any admonition to cleave unto your spouse in the Bible doesn't supersede the Fifth Commandment to honor your father and mother.


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## DawnD

I don't think either one of you should be dictating anything. You should both come to a reasonable agreement, something you both like, and go from there. 

I do think that the bulk of the work that goes into houseguests should be with the person who's family it is though. When my H's parents come to visit, he is expected to help with the cooking, cleaning, general stuff. His parents are in their mid 70's and need help with a lot. They are a lot of work and I can't be there babysitting them and running them everywhere they want to go.


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## MRB

I believe husbands and wives should put each other first in all instances... BUT I also believe that they should support each other and that means welcoming family. My MIL, who I despise, comes out twice a year for 7 - 10 days each time. I grin and bear it! Why, cuz she's my husbands MOTHER. Just like whenever my mom comes to stay my husband welcomes her too.

My take is that they live across the ocean for heaven's sake. 2 weeks out of her life for the happiness of her hubby is a small price to pay. She's being selfish.


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## greenpearl

If the parents are nice and easy to live with, I really feel that a man should insist what he should do to make his parents happy. 

A good wife would understand that fulfilling his responsibility as a son is also important for him and she should support him.

What's the point of having children if you can't even visit them and stay at their place.

Our parents love us unconditionally and brought us up, shouldn't we do something to make their old age happy?


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## richardhogg44

WriterGuy said:


> I’ve always been very close to my parents, and it’s something for which I’ve always felt fortunate. They live in England and I live in the States, so we obviously don’t see each other on a regular basis.
> 
> My parents come and stay with us twice a year—each visit being two weeks long, as the journey from the UK is tedious and it can take several days or more to get over the jet lag. Their visits mean a lot to me, as it’s naturally a chance to spend time with them. My wife, however, finds the visits tedious after the first week. She does not enjoy houseguests and relishes her own space.
> 
> My wife wants the visits shortened and, if at all possible, for them to stay in hotels instead of our house. I’d feel terrible asking them to float a hotel bill when they could stay in our guest bedroom (we have a three-bedroom house) for free. I know houseguests are work, and I know dealing with in-laws can be a problem. I should say my parents love my wife and have no clue she finds them a hindrance after a while, which makes the situation more uncomfortable.
> 
> My take on it is that I don’t get to see them very often, so I don’t necessarily want to boot them into a hotel or say they can’t stay for two weeks. My parents are in their 60s and 70s, so I know it’s only a matter of time before they’re unable to make the journey out. My mother and I bonded at an early age when my birth father walked out, and my stepfather—who I consider my father—went above-and-beyond the call of duty in treating my sister and I as if we were his own kids.
> 
> In March, our first child is due. My wife told me my folks can come out in July and stay for 10 days. Am I wrong to be upset by this? They're not going to have the opportunity to see the grandchild a lot (neither are my wife's parents, who live out of state).
> 
> To me, two two-week visits a year don’t seem that much. Am I wrong to think this? My wife says I'm putting my parents before her, but I don't believe I am . . . I'm just enjoying spending with them what time I can. Again, am I being inconsiderate here?
> 
> Any advice would be great. Thanks!


I thinks its the you who is wrong.If your wife oppose, what about if her parents will come, are they stay in hotel?


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## zohaib

well greeneyed have already given you a good choice..

but still i wud like to suggest your one more thing apart from the above advices..

as per my experience your wife is feeling that you are giving more importance to your parents when they visit to you.
so try to maintain a balance of your care and love between your parents and your wife..

try to stay at home and help your wife in household works as much as possible when your parents visits...
and the second thing thing is that when your child will born and your parents will come specially stay with your wife to help her...so that all the burden will not fall on her shoulders.


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