# Moving from one chapter to the next - but struggling



## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Hoping for a little positive advice. Been divorced since late 2015. Two small kids (8 and 6) and I split custody/placement 50/50 with my ex.

Met someone in late January and it is turning into a nice relationship. I wasn't really looking, but we found one another and I like what it adds to my life. 

I'm just struggling somewhat with moving from one chapter of my life to the next. When I got divorced, my world got a lot smaller. I had to sort of circle the wagons around the kids and myself. Life was tough, but it made us close. We struggled and we learned to move forward together. These past three years feel priceless and I feel very protective of them. It's hard now starting to share that with someone else.

I've kept the two halves of my life separate for the most part. There is my life with the kids and there is my life with my girlfriend. My kids have met her a few times (we're being careful), but we've yet to merge our lives to the point where there isn't a line separating those two halves - but I know we will.

Part of me is happy about that, but I feel sadly nostalgic for the "old days" and I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice to share about going through a similar journey.


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## jamiemf (Jul 10, 2018)

No similar journey, but I'd keep the kids somewhat distant from the new lady while you are dating. If you decide to get married, obviously you all pull together as a new family. Until it's more certain I think it's hard for children to know how to feel towards that person. If they get close to her and it doesn't work out, it will be their breakup too. But don't rob yourself of your own happiness trying to shield your children. What's best for you is what's best for them.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

What you are feeling is (or should be) natural. But you have to realize that this is your new reality. First off there is no going back. So you may be nostalgic, but that boat has sailed. You would be doing everyone a disservice by attempting to recreate it. Secondly, you have a duty to protect your kids. That is also part of your new reality. Once you feel comfortable letting your children meet them, you need to have a discussion with your GF and your kids to make sure it is alright with them. But before that, you need to deal with those feelings yourself. You may already feel it is time or maybe you feel it isn't right. But you need to be okay with it, first. Don't do something that makes you uncomfortable.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

It's just something I never considered when thinking about starting a new relationship. The divorce was not my idea and it has taken me several years to get to the point where I feel like I can date again, but those in-between years were really important. The situation at my ex's house is not ideal. She started dating someone within 6 months and he isn't a great guy - so my house has become a refuge of unconditional love and attention. The 3 of us really became a tight little band. The first summer (2016) was hard as I was still getting my footing in many ways. The summer of 2017 was when life started to feel somewhat normal again. The routines felt "normal" and safe and cozy. 

My kids will always come first. My love for them is the only unconditional love in my love. I know what I mean to them and what I represent in their lives and I would never allow anything to change that. I would not rob myself of my own happiness (I hope), but still - there is a part of me that I feel like I can't share with her. That bond between the kids and me that we developed over those rough couple of years after the divorce and I'm not sure why. I think it might be because I don't know if I could share it even if I wanted to. I don't know if I have the words to express what that feels like. I also think there is a strong sense of wanting to protect them because as @jamiemf mentioned - if it doesn't work out - it will be their breakup, too. I think there is also some selfishness - even if it is not in the conscious sense - of not wanting to share that - of wanting to keep this very special thing between the 3 of us.

I hope it doesn't become an issue and only time will tell, but I wish I could process this feeling of sadness - because that is what it feels like - sadness - of moving from one chapter to the next. I mean, overall it feels new and exciting - but in regards to my life with the kids and what we've forged - I'm having a hard time letting that go.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Your kids are only going to be kids for so long. Eventually they grow up. And if you've done the job right, they grow up to be independent self sufficient adults with lives of their own. They will no longer need or want your protection. So know that even that is temporary.
FTR, the same things happens in reverse. Your SO may enjoy the childless you, that the two of you enjoy alone with one another. They may be resistant to the idea as well. Or they may think they want it now, but once it happens, they have second thoughts of becoming involved. Suddenly it becomes very real and they may not be as comfortable as they imagined.
I dated a woman last year. We had lots of fun together. The relationship progressed very rapidly, to the point we were both telling each other we loved each other. I met her kids, she met my daughter. But meeting each others kids changed the dynamic. Reality set in. We each started having second thoughts. In the end we ended up parting as friends.
So know the life with your children is temporary, and be warned that what you might wish for is not what you might get.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

I think knowing that my kids "being kids" is temporary makes it feel all the more precious. I also think there is more going on here than simply struggling to "share" that with the new lady in my life. These years have been and still are very special. I know they won't be this age forever and that sooner than later they will move on and hanging out with friends and taking part in activities will be more important than hanging out with dad, but right now - hanging out with dad is the top of the list for them and only having them 50% of the time - I "feel" that time passing. 

Life with their mom and her partner has not been great. Her boyfriend is pretty much a creep and my kids don't like him. This has brought them closer to me. She started dating this guy within 6 months of our divorce and I waited a couple of years and when I say I waited - I really did wait. I knew I wasn't ready and even now - I still struggle with how ready I am. The 3 of us became very close over the past couple of years - maybe even a little codependent (which isn't the best). 

It's just really hard letting someone else in. I don't know if I could ever really explain the connection the kids and I seem to have. I don't know if I could ever find the words to express what it feels like. I know she wants to be part of it and I'm okay with sharing as much as I can, but there is definitely a part of me holding back. I know I deserve to be happy. I know the kids will eventually find their own lives - but right here, right now - in this moment - I'm struggling to find the balance.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Quick update.

I feel myself getting used to the idea of bringing the two strands of my life together, but I'm still uneasy. I did leave out an important bit of info in my earlier post. She was out of the country on business for just under two months. She met my kids a few times before she left and they talked to her on the phone while she was away. Due to our schedules being out of sync they still have not spent a ton of time together even now that she is back, but the time is going to come where she is around more and more and their time together starts to overlap.

I am going to be very cautious about this. They will always come first. If I can sense it is stressful for them, I will pull back and she will have to understand that. 

It's also tough because we're coming at this relationship from different directions. She has never been married and does not have kids. I made the life decision early on that I wanted to get married, settle down, have kids, and so on. I don't think she quite understands what that entails. It's not easy being a parent. It's the hardest work I've ever done (and the most rewarding). It wears me out. It is expensive. I don't have the freedom she has. She is someone who likes to travel and I just can't pick up and leave like she can. 

She has yet to spend a night at my house while the kids are there and I worry about that. I worry how I will handle it. I have my routines with the kids and they're not always perfect. I worry that once she starts spending more time with us that issues might pop up. My kids struggle at bedtime and we've developed bedtime routines that help. They might not be perfect, but I'm working on it. I think she expects they will just go to bed and then we'll get to have adult time and I don't see it going down that way. I know she has strong opinions about stuff like this and I don't want to make a big deal about it, but how do I hold my ground without it becoming an issue?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I was in a similar position to having a lot of time with my kids after the divorce and not letting another woman come around. My only real piece of advice is that you need to talk very much in detail about the kids and how your girlfriend will fit in the picture. What are each of your expectations with respect to your kids, what kind of discipline is allowed, how will you make your girlfriend comfortable with your kids and vice versa, how do you both view chores, ect? 

Don't just decide to move in together without talking all the angles and having a plan. My girlfriend, now wife, moved in and it ended up being quite the disaster for a while. Although she has her own kids, we had different viewpoints on a lot of subjects which turned into some heated discussions since we did not really discuss it in advance. Hindsight being 20/20, we went in with our own expectations and did not match them up ahead of time. *You don't want to end up with either your girlfriend or your kids feeling like they are taking a back seat to the other one*. It takes a while to blend a family, don't add extra time un-necessarily.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well if you carry on seeing her and get more serious, then you will need to let her share family time more and more and she will need to learn what they are like. If it frightens her off, then she isn't right for you. No point putting it off, let her join in outings together and meals togeher and see what happens. 
Our children were much older when we met, 2 were in their teens and the others in their early 20's but we met each others children in a very short time.


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