# Feeling like it may not work...



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

Well, I have been married a little over a year now and can't stop thinking about the little things going on. There are unresolved EA stuff she has done in the past and I tried to talk to her about it and she just says "Thats in the past and stop bringing it up" but I've told her that I wanna talk about it because she never explained or talked to me about what the hell happened and why, she just kept crying (at the time i caught her talking to another man) and saying shes sorry and it was stupid. 

I know she isn't talking to him anymore but i keep thinking she is going to go out and do it again or if he ever made contact with her again she would try to go back to it. I have even thought of making a fake facebook account and acting like him and see what she does but idk. She has almost buried us in debt with medical bills she said she'd take care of and just threw aside, and she just isn't financially responsible really at all. I've tried to talk to her but she closes me out and starts getting angry at me saying I'm over reacting and I told her I dont want the marriage to end but It might if it keeps up and she just says thats "not right". 

Is it terrible that I'm not attracted to her the same as I was years ago and don't even look forward to having sex with her anymore? I even get this angry feeling when she tries to kiss me on the head or some little stuff. like I dont even really want her to touch me type of thing. I can't figure out what is the best next move but know I need to make one.


----------



## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

LostandNervous said:


> Is it terrible that I'm not attracted to her the same as I was years ago and don't even look forward to having sex with her anymore? I even get this angry feeling when she tries to kiss me on the head or some little stuff. like I dont even really want her to touch me type of thing. I can't figure out what is the best next move but know I need to make one.


Not terrible and very natural. Your feelings now are a result of the resentment you are feeling due to the unresolved issues you described.


----------



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

Yeah I was thinking it may have to do with that, but I can't change it because she is unwilling to talk about it. I think I may try and make an account and immitate the man she was talking to originally and see if she decides to talk to "him" behind my back or not and if she does, I'll just end the entire marriage. It sounds bad that I don't wanna work through it but I feel like it's over or heading there anyways and I could be happier =/


----------



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

Any other advice? =(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

I would resist the temptation to immitate this other person online for now. Try to talk to her and don't let up if she tries to cry her way around the subject, but don't let yourself get upset and don't let it become an argument. It needs to stay a discussion. Explain to her that you understand she is sorry but sorry is not enough. If someone doesn't know why they did something like this, and refuses to work with the spouse to discover the cause, then they have no way to identify the warning signs and prevent it from happening again. It very well may require counseling, couples not individual IMO. She needs to feel safe to discuss her feelings and thoughts. You need to be able to listen to her without interruption and without judgement, regardless of what she tells you. You need to tell her that her unwillingness to open up about this is effecting your feelings for her and your marriage. If she refuses to listen to you and "shuts down" again by running into another room crying, then I suggest writing all this in a letter. Do your best to be calm compassionate and understanding. Things like this happen in a relationship. She isn't a horrible person for it but what determines the outcome of your relationship will be her willingness to work through it with you and not just shrug it off with a "I'm sorry, won't happen again".

Be prepared for her to tell you that she felt, and may still feel, that things are missing from the marriage. Listen without defending. She has a right to her feelings and you need to keep it safe for her to talk about them. What she did was most likely an attempt to fill a void for her. The choice she made as to how to fill it was wrong and she needs to accept responsibility for that. How the void came about falls on BOTH of you and neither can point fingers.

Good luck. Sorry my first response was so short.


----------



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

bs193 said:


> I would resist the temptation to immitate this other person online for now. Try to talk to her and don't let up if she tries to cry her way around the subject, but don't let yourself get upset and don't let it become an argument. It needs to stay a discussion. Explain to her that you understand she is sorry but sorry is not enough. If someone doesn't know why they did something like this, and refuses to work with the spouse to discover the cause, then they have no way to identify the warning signs and prevent it from happening again. It very well may require counseling, couples not individual IMO. She needs to feel safe to discuss her feelings and thoughts. You need to be able to listen to her without interruption and without judgement, regardless of what she tells you. You need to tell her that her unwillingness to open up about this is effecting your feelings for her and your marriage. If she refuses to listen to you and "shuts down" again by running into another room crying, then I suggest writing all this in a letter. Do your best to be calm compassionate and understanding. Things like this happen in a relationship. She isn't a horrible person for it but what determines the outcome of your relationship will be her willingness to work through it with you and not just shrug it off with a "I'm sorry, won't happen again".
> 
> Be prepared for her to tell you that she felt, and may still feel, that things are missing from the marriage. Listen without defending. She has a right to her feelings and you need to keep it safe for her to talk about them. What she did was most likely an attempt to fill a void for her. The choice she made as to how to fill it was wrong and she needs to accept responsibility for that. How the void came about falls on BOTH of you and neither can point fingers.
> 
> Good luck. Sorry my first response was so short.


Thank u for the reply, as bad as it sounds though I'd feel bad trying to force her to talk about it. She'd probably just keep saying there is nothing we need to keep talking about what happened with her n him (I put a keylogger on my pc and read everything) but I know this type of action doesn't stop over time. Also, our sex life is completely ****ty, maybe once every other week? I feel like maybe I've stopped being attracted to her and can't seem to muster up the balls to tell her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to suck it up and talk with her. The uncomfortable discussions you have now are nothing compared to the "I want a divorce/separation" discussion you'll eventually have if you both keep avoiding the issues. Have you tried counseling? 

One thing to consider. If you don't take some lessons from this marriage with regards to conflict resolution and communication, what do you think will happen in your next relationship?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

PBear, you are totally correct. But before I make the step to talk to her about this stuff ... again, would it really be that bad to just attempt to make contact with her as the guy she was originally flirting with on FB? Part of me wants to do it to be able to lay to rest the idea in my head that is saying, "If she had another opportunity she'd take it for sure". Because part of me actually still thinks she totally would, she was the one trying to instigate him giving her his number and to describe sexual things to her, which STILL bugs me. 

I think I have an underlining mistrust in relationships because of my parents divorce and cheating on each other when I was about 11 years old and ultimately think most marriages suffer cheating no matter what. Would me attempting to launch a convo with her as the guy be like me trying to set my wife up? I just feel as if it'd be closure and if she sparked the talk again with sexual stuff I'd end our marriage in a heart beat with no counseling or anything because I'm fed up with it. She talked to this man about a month and a half after I proposed to her and she was the type of women that was always asking me when i'd propose (I hated that...) and it pissed me off that she techincally got what she (and I) wanted bu tthen had to go and talk to another guy ...


----------



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

:scratchhead:


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Are both of you committed to making your marriage work? If so, I would recommend counselling - marriage counselling for both of you together (make it a stipulation to your wife for you being able to move forward in your marriage), and possibly individual counselling for you to work through the long-standing issues that you have with trust (they seem to precede this incident with your wife.)


----------



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

I understand the whole counseling thing and not sure I wanna bring it up yet, do u think itd be like me setting her up if I made a fake facebook as the other guy and tried reinitializing contact with her n see if she hides the chat again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

LostandNervous said:


> I understand the whole counseling thing and not sure I wanna bring it up yet, do u think itd be like me setting her up if I made a fake facebook as the other guy and tried reinitializing contact with her n see if she hides the chat again?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So - you have major problems with her keeping secrets/lying and being generally untrustworthy. Yet, you want to do something that is essentially secretive, lying, and untrustworthy to see if you can catch her in a lie? 

Really, I would forget the whole fake FB stuff to try and catch her in a lie. Get thee to counselling and see if you can move forward in to truths, not go backward in to lies.


----------



## Random User (Apr 29, 2011)

:iagree:

You might be fretting over nothing. It really might be past-is-past. If nothing else counseling would help you work on those fears.


----------



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> So - you have major problems with her keeping secrets/lying and being generally untrustworthy. Yet, you want to do something that is essentially secretive, lying, and untrustworthy to see if you can catch her in a lie?
> 
> Really, I would forget the whole fake FB stuff to try and catch her in a lie. Get thee to counselling and see if you can move forward in to truths, not go backward in to lies.


Yeah I guess it does look bad if I do do it. I just wanna see if I can truely trust her to turn him down (although it'd be me) and/or notify me that he tried contacting her.

It does seem pretty bad that I wanna do it but for some reason I keep justifying it in my mind. I keep thinking she would still contact him because I found out about their inappropriate convo's right after she asked to be able to text him instead on FB. I think if she had his number then she'd do it again. I wanna confront her about the unresolved feelings toward it and also tell her that it's hard for me to gain trust fully back due to my parents cheating left and right on each other so it's ALWAYS in my head now since I was 11 and saw it happen for several years and my mom used to talk to me about my dad being a liar and cheater and what he was doing (which ****ed me up). 

I mean honestly, If i went through with the fake fb account, would it be that bad though. If she tried to rekindle the convo's (maybe going straight for trying to talk over text) I'd know I can never trust her and I'd be 100% willing to leave the marriage for good and if she ends up saying something along the lines of "go away and don't ever contact me" then I would trust easier.


----------



## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

BAD idea. Let me REPEAT. BAD IDEA.

this could backfire on you. what if your wife does exactly what you want her to do..tells him (you) to leave her alone..she tells you about the contact..you are happy. FOR NOW. because in a few months or a year or more..he contacts her again. SHE tells him that she told him before to go away..he says he never contacted her..she puts two and two together. You are now the one not worthy of trust. think about it.


----------



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

donewithit said:


> BAD idea. Let me REPEAT. BAD IDEA.
> 
> this could backfire on you. what if your wife does exactly what you want her to do..tells him (you) to leave her alone..she tells you about the contact..you are happy. FOR NOW. because in a few months or a year or more..he contacts her again. SHE tells him that she told him before to go away..he says he never contacted her..she puts two and two together. You are now the one not worthy of trust. think about it.


You bring up a good point. I actually thought of that but I don't think he'd actually try to recontact her, he knows I found out about their convo's and he blocked both of us on fb and never had face-to-face contact with neither of us. (She knew him when he was in the AF with her father and met him only a few times)


----------



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

I do understand it could have a negative future reaction but it was just an idea, one I may not do. All that aside though, would it invalidate me being able to honestly be mad at her because I "rigged" the situation? Like after she says to "him" (really itd be me) somethin like "yeah let's tlk" and it becomes sexual again, and I tell her it was me and not him, do you think she'd be able to say it was a setup for failure? Wouldn't I be able to expect my wife to shoot it down and move on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

LN,
Keep this sh*t simple #1 it ain't about we its about you and you want answers! 
Why in the hell are you being managed by her, the one that stepped out?
God knows you love her but the bottom line is this marriage is heading south...most likely it was already bad even before the EA.

So now that you found out it ain't getting any better b/c she won't address the issue. It sucks b/c she most likely was setting up an exit plan and the OM but a stop to it for one reason or another.

If your looking to make some changes then start by being confident that you can move on with out her and it is up to her to do the heavy lifting for you to stay.

Until you show her a confident and strong man that knows for sure he will succeed with or with out her she will continue to manage you.

Tough love brother, her boyfriend just broke up with her and she won't deal with it, hell it sound like she won't deal with the marriage either. So make the changes with in your self....the changes that will help you...do it for your self not for her.

Control the things that only you can control. You can't control her, it is her dicision to come along for a healthy marriage. It is your choice to offer the option. Walk beside me, no behind me , not in front of me.

Make the changes with in your self to take control of your life and the direction you want, and again invite her along, but don't beg or plead for someone to make you happy. Only what you do can create that.

I get it it you love her but are you willing to get managed? Please show the confidence to move on with out her...giving her a reason to second guess her dicision that she is makeing.. with the possiblity of you, confidently moving on with your life with out her.

Please stop empowering her to make the choises that will make you happy. Take that power back, make your self happy and invite her along.


----------

