# I need help...Should I I still try to get my wife back or not? I love her immensely.



## alexjim1980

Here it goes. And guys I need an honest answer. Don't just say yes or no. Elaborate for me if you can. 

My wife and me met in college in 2002. I am from Pakistan originally and she is from Ecuador. Both living in New York. We met in college got close started dating. Later on I used to go to her home when her parents weren't there and we we would fool around. We never had intercourse since she was a virgin and wanted to wait till she got married. I loved that personally. At that time Both us weren't sure if we were going to ever get married. Just a little bit of her back ground. Her mother is divorced living with her boy friend who she calls her step dad. Her actual father is back home in Ecuador. Her actual father has severe depression disorder for which he needs medication actually get better. Otherwise he would get aggressive and have suicidal thoughts in his mind. Apparently same thing passed down to her brother. He almost stabbed himself in the heart but missed. That was the first time I actually went with her to drop her home but we went to see her brother at the hospital which she greatly appreciated. That's the biggest thing that actually got her closer to me.

Now her story. She is fine however I had noticed at times she used to get really upset and would fight for no big issue. She had a spleen disorder due to which she was diagnosed as having ITP.

Time passed 2002,03,04,05. I didn't complete my college at that time but she did her Bachelors. And in 2006 we married. Completely in love. At least on my part I would say. During all that time we were together no intercourse. And a mistake on my part of not finishing college which I do feel guilty of till today. All that time while we were dating we just broke up once for almost a year during which I tried hard to get back with her and we did. Nothing big just a small fight.

Anyways we got married. I thought life was going to be great. She sponsered me to become a US citizen and I was happy that I married the love of my life. Yay!! I would finally get to have sex with my love. God knows that I married her to be with her for life not to just get a green card. What happens... she is afraid of sex. At that time my father was living with this he lived the whole first year of our marriage. So she was even more shy to have sex with me. If he was at home she would not want to have sex with me. Plus the fear of sex. I would like to add that I come from a muslim background and she was Catholic. Not so religious though. My family wasn't agreeing on me marrying her but I wanted to (Muslims can marry Jews and Christians). Whether she converted or not. Anyways two weeks after marriage she converted Muslim. Without any kind of force from me or my father. My father left in December of 06. After that I thought all would start getting better. But it didn't. She still had lot of fear of sex. No how much oral I performed or tried to make her comfortable she would just go hysterical when it was about intercourse.

In March of 07 I lost my job at the hotel I was working at. I got a bit lazy and depressed due to 0 sex. I did look for a job but took me months and finally i got to work in a gas station in July 07.

In December 07 she decided to go for a spleen removal since her doctor told her if she wanted to have kids she would have to stop taking medications for her ITP and it would be better she went for a splenectomy. She did. She was 4 days at the hospital and I was there 4 days taking complete care of her. I remember when she went for surgery I was so scared I was praying for her life and thinking what would I do without her. I love her so much. My family kept comforting me on the phone. After surgery I was with her bed side all the time. Couldn't even sleep the whole time I was at the hospital. Taking her to the bathroom. Showering her. Making her feel comfortable. Anything a loving husband would do for his dear wife I did.


----------



## alexjim1980

SINCE THE FORUM DOES NOT ALLOW ME TO ADD FURTHER I AM ADDING THE REST HERE BELOW. CONTINUES FROM THE TOP.

Around February 08 I lost my job at the gas station due to being underpaid. We also had started going to a sex therapist since it had been 2 years of marriage with no sexual intercourse. I would like to add that during this time my wife also started doing the Hijab (covering her head). She was never forced. She liked it so she did. I wanted us to go to Pakistan back home so she could meet my family but my green card got exponentially delayed we were unable to do so. In March I go my Green Card. But we couldn't go immediately since I was jobless and our credit was messed up since she had paid my debt from her credit cards and my college tuition which I owed. I have to admit that was completely my fault. Since I was jobless she also had to pay her dues from credit which set us back to around $16000. We were going to the sex therapist almost every week. She was diagnosed with Vaginismus(please google it up). Basically she if she tried intercourse she would have severe vaginal pain in doing so. I was so upset and a bit selfish I was being a lazy bum those days and would just sleep or sit on the computer. I was upset at her issue and wouldn't try having sex because I was so tired of this issue with her. Hell even porn didn't work for her. Another issue she had was she would go to meet her family almost every weekend. Every weekend she wanted to spend the night at her parents place. First no sex and then this issue I had to deal with. Then she wouldn't even go out to walk in the park with me. Blaming me for not having a job so she doesn't want to hang out with me with all this stress. Anyways in November 2008 we went to meet her family in Ecuador. We had fun and all. After she came back she threatened that if I didn't get a job she would leave. I got really scared and started working on getting a Taxi license so I could drive a yellow and start paying off the debt. I also had decided that I would return the school once I started making money and finish my Bachelors. 

In December 2008 on Christmas eve she was so upset and me she told me she would leave on Christmas morning and that she had found an apartment. I said ok If you want to leave you can but please I don't want to us to be separate for long. We hadn't paid rent for the apartment so our landlord was trying to kick us out. I told her ok for now she could go and I would move in to the basement my landlord was offering for free temporarily. She left on Christmas morning and moved to an undisclosed place. 

I moved in to the basement and while she was gone I tried hard to get the license which I finally did. But due to bad economy it was extremely hard for me to rent a car to work and start paying the debt immediately. So I decided to look for a job asap. Found one in a security camera company and started working there. I even started helping her out as much as I could since they wouldn't pay me much. I also moved to a room in an apartment at that time. All this time I kept in touch with her telling her that as soon as I make enough I will get an apartment and want her back. She would agree but she said she couldn't promise me anymore since she felt she couldn't trust me. Anyways I kept paying, kept working and kept looking for a car so I could make more money.

Eventually she couldn't afford the apartment she was living in and moved back to her parents. Where she later on decided that she would not get back to me ever and that I would have to stop thinking about her and start thinking about paying the debts back. My world was devastated. I cried, I pleaded, begged her to please please give me a chance. She was upset that I had taken her for granted. That I should now learn to live life without her. One thing I knew about her she would listen to people around her a lot. What ever her friends or family would say she would start acting on it. Like she didn't have her own decision making skills. She decided not to come back to me. I got upset too. I said fine I wouldn't pay her debt because I was sexless all this time and wasted 3 years patiently and had to deal with going to her parents every weekend. After all I did tolerate her issues. But I never left her.

Few months later she filed for divorce. Her reason for divorce was mentally torturing her by not giving her sex. Putting her in debt and not working. On the phone she told me the biggest reason was not having sex for 3 years. And she blamed me for that. Why because she said he family and friends said so. She said it is the man's job to have sex with the wife. Well what a man can do when a wife would cry like she is being raped. I couldn't see tears in her eyes so I never forced. 

I called her and said lets not go for divorce please. I had got a car and was driving and told her I could start paying off the debt. I just wanted to have my wife back. She declined and said no. I had also sent her flowers for her birthday and still tried to talk to her. But all was in vain.

Around October 09 I decided to go back home to my family for a visit. A day before leaving for the airport I surprised her at her job with flowers. I even tried to talk to her pleading her to please don't go for the divorce just wait and lets talk things out. She said she would wait. I l went back home where my family tried to talk to her to get back even though they wanted me to give up on her. She said she couldn't trust me and would not be able to get back.

I came back after 3 month in January 2010. I am back to work and I still miss her and for this reason I haven't signed the divorce papers. And even if I have to divorce her I would talk to her lawyer to change the reason for divorce as irreconcilable differences instead of blaming me completely for this divorce. Otherwise if I fight in court I can prove that the sex issue was her fault not mine.

Just a few days ago I saw her pic with another man and she is in India now with him. Don't know if shes there long term or on vacation. I was so upset. As much as I am trying to forget her it has been extremely hard for me.

I know I basically wrote almost everything that went on in my life for the past 9 years. I have not hidden anything purposely. I know I made mistakes I admit it. but I never cheated on her. I was there for her. I never married her for Green Card. I loved her that's why I married her. How many guys you know who love their wife and still can stay with the woman for years without having sex. And if was a selfish ass*ole. I could have left her after I got my green card. She was the one who would make me promise never to leave her when I got my papers. And who left? She. I feel so sad while writing all this right now. I just felt like I need an honest advice. People make mistakes I know. But there are some mistakes you can forgive. I didn't cheat on her. I didn't physically abuse her. All my mistake was debt and being jobless. I know that's my fault. But didn't I even deserve a single chance. For my patience for my faithfulness. At least one chance in this marriage. So I could prove to her that I would make her the happiest woman in the world. Tell me what can I do. Should I just go to her home with a friend and maybe just maybe get her to give me a chance. I know it seems too late. It's been 13 months now that she has been out. She did mention when I went to surprise her at work that I should have come to meet her parents and promise them that I would make her happy. Which I didn't do because I was afraid she would call the police and put me in jail for harassment. 

Oh my God I don't know what should I do. I just feel like I can't live without her. We are both about to be 30 soon. I met her when I was 22. I just feel like my life has ended after losing her. I wish I just wish I could fix things of the past. But I can't. I have decided that if I have to divorce her. I will pay all of the debt. Her's and mine. But I just hope she would give me a chance.

Please read it all and then try to give me a sincere advice. Your advices will mean a lot to me.


----------



## alexjim1980

Please someone advice me on how can I get my wife back or should I even try now that it seems late :-(


----------



## MEM2020

So much bad behavior on both your parts. You should start fresh with someone else. Her refusing sex for that long and you refusing to work for that long - very ugly on both sides. 



alexjim1980 said:


> Please someone advice me on how can I get my wife back or should I even try now that it seems late :-(


----------



## alexjim1980

MEM11363 said:


> So much bad behavior on both your parts. You should start fresh with someone else. Her refusing sex for that long and you refusing to work for that long - very ugly on both sides.


I understand your point. This does occur to me. The fact is that I love her. And being with her all this time I know and she knows that we have a good understanding (besides the sex and work thing). Mistakes happen. We are all humans. But I know that if I maybe I tried to talk to her family directly. Which she expected me to do so in the beginning. But when I did talk to her step dad he was pretty aggravated stating that I have used her and that I could get in trouble if I don't divorce her. It was more like a threat. But when I went to see her at her work she told me I should have shown up at their home and talked to her parents. They would have been upset but would have not called the cops on me. But how could I do that. I was afraid they would call the cops on me and file some sort of harassment case against me.

I tried to keep my communication to the max with her on the telephone only to avoid any problems with the law.

About work. It was not that I didn't want to work. Yes I was lazy at times. But I was not getting a job in places where I applied. Maybe because I come from Pakistan. I don't know. But this was not in my hands either.


----------



## turnera

If you want her back, you have to find out what makes her happy, and be the person who can provide that happiness. That means finding out what she's really thinking. Ask everyone else who knows her what she's told them. Get a better picture of why she left (what she said made no sense). You may also want to see if she met someone else BEFORE she left you. Also consider there may be a mental issue here, because of family history; if so, well, that's a touchy thing to approach.

But bottom line, be all about HER. What she wants, get it. What she likes, BE it. It may take a while.


----------



## alexjim1980

turnera said:


> If you want her back, you have to find out what makes her happy, and be the person who can provide that happiness. That means finding out what she's really thinking. Ask everyone else who knows her what she's told them. Get a better picture of why she left (what she said made no sense). You may also want to see if she met someone else BEFORE she left you. Also consider there may be a mental issue here, because of family history; if so, well, that's a touchy thing to approach.
> 
> But bottom line, be all about HER. What she wants, get it. What she likes, BE it. It may take a while.


Hello

Actually you are right about the mental part. A lot of our mutual friends see this as a psychological problem on her part. You can I went to her have talked to her numerous times. I am already doing what I am suppose to do. I even got an apartment for both of us. 

She did not meet anyone before she met me that is for sure. Because then she would have told me while we were dating which was longer period then our marriage. Her family is on her side, her friends are on her side. They don't see that their daughter could be suffering from some issue. Now that I saw her pic with another guy even then I don't think she could keep this relationship if her issues are the same. Maybe short term she could wastes someone's time but I don't see this as a long term thing on her part.

Personally I feel like going back to her job and trying to talk to her again. I am even going to pay both of our debts by myself. The fact is that I made mistakes I don't deny it. But this is a huge punishment for me to suffer. I know I am a better man to take care and love her. 

What I don't understand is why she took my patience and kindness in the wrong direction. How can I forcefully have sex with you if you are begging me to stop and crying like hell when it is painful for you. This is what she does
not understand. Blames me says it is my fault I didn't pressure her :scratchhead: asks me if I am gay or some **** like that. Especially when we both know that I was almost doing it before marriage but stopped since she wanted us to wait. I stayed with her 3 years sexless and in the end I get blamed for it. 

Our mutual friends are both girls and guys and they tell me we think there is something wrong in her head. She probably needs to get some screws tightened up there.


----------



## turnera

No, I meant did she meet someone while she was still WITH you, and THEN decide to leave. In other words, did she have an emotional or physical affair with someone? The way she acted, blaming this on YOU when all along she didn't want to do it, makes me think another guy has gotten into her head.

Don't pay her debts. If she wants to leave, let her, you can't control her. But paying her debt makes you look weak, and she won't respect you for it.

I think, if anything, I would get her a card, and write a note in it explaining about the crying. She may not understand your side.

If it's not an affair, I kind of agree with your friends.


----------



## alexjim1980

turnera said:


> No, I meant did she meet someone while she was still WITH you, and THEN decide to leave. In other words, did she have an emotional or physical affair with someone? The way she acted, blaming this on YOU when all along she didn't want to do it, makes me think another guy has gotten into her head.
> 
> Don't pay her debts. If she wants to leave, let her, you can't control her. But paying her debt makes you look weak, and she won't respect you for it.
> 
> I think, if anything, I would get her a card, and write a note in it explaining about the crying. She may not understand your side.
> 
> If it's not an affair, I kind of agree with your friends.


Well the thing is the debts are mutual. I would 60% are mine that she paid. But see the thing is I know she paid my debts and her but she also made me suffer physically. I mean after all I am her husband. I loved her. And not just any love. Loved her to death. Yet I don't when she started speaking to this guy I believe online and don't know when he clouded her mind. Probably she got clouded when she left home and was living separately. Not just that, From what I inferring why she went to India is to meet him which is a seriously a bold move coming from a woman who can't even keep her husband sexually satisfied. 

However while she was separately living away from me I was able to longin in her voicemail online for her cell phone and there I was shocked to see the guy leaving her all those vulgar messages portraying what he wanted to do to her in bed. And she had left him a custom voicemail saying that she loves him. Now I don't know if she was playing or not at that time. But she went to see him all the way to India ( He works as a customer from India for a company in the US) then that means that most likely if he is the same person she went there to meet then they probably have slept already. 
Which I can't say 100%. In her facebook pics I see them standing pretty close together. Not kissing or hugging but like extremly close and his arm is behind her don't know if all the way down on her hip. 

I have made copies of whatever I found. The voicemail transcripts, this photo, her voicemail to him. If she had not done this to me. I would have probably agreed on the divorce and paid all of her and my debts because of my feelings towards her. If this was just her not wanting to be with me and not forgiving me for what had happened (which wasn't a huge deal as you know) then I would have probably agreed to the uncontested divorce. But after finding out that all this happened because she was most likely running after someone else. I don't want to do any favors. I don't want to completely get myself crushed. I pay all the debts and all she will do is tell him how stupid her husband is didn't put up any fight paid all the debts signed the divorce and let me go. Not just that I don't want to pay even half of the debts. She does not have any proof that I owe her the money. The only thing is that she paid for my credit cards.

There was a time when me and my friend contacted her and my friend decided to pay all our debts by giving her a check if she returned to me. She declined stating one stupid reason that she could not trust me anymore. Now we realize it was not about the trust. It was the other dude. 

I have one question though if I go on the path of divorce. Can I file a counter divorce based on adultery. With the evidence I have. I could probably get more pics if I am able to get in her facebook. 

The divorce she sent me she stated that I owe her the whole amount of debt. Her debt and mine. She also said that I was the one not taking care of her sexual needs. I can prove this wrong since the sex therapist is on my side. She knows the situation and if the judge lets us we might bring her to court. So basically that count of divorce from her side would go invalid since she is lieing. Will there be a possibility that I don't have to pay back the debt. Since there is no written statement or proof. 

I am doing this not because I don't want to pay the debts. This is because I want to punish her for what she did to me. People have told me that if I go on the adultery route I can even get some almony out of her. But I won't go for that. I just want to make her suffer for what she has done to me. 

Believe me if she really decides from the bottom of her heart to reconcile with me I would really go for that. I just don't know how will I trust her in the future.


----------



## catnip

Sign the divorce papers and get it over with. She has a family history of mental illness and maybe this is part of it, maybe not. I don't know,but I do know that this relationship is not going to work out. If you really love her, let her go. Keep the divorce as civil as possible. Don't let it get ugly.


----------



## alexjim1980

catnip said:


> Sign the divorce papers and get it over with. She has a family history of mental illness and maybe this is part of it, maybe not. I don't know,but I do know that this relationship is not going to work out. If you really love her, let her go. Keep the divorce as civil as possible. Don't let it get ugly.



And what about the debts. Should I just pay for mine and hers and just let her go like that. After all i lost 3 years of life ( And more being her bf) and I get to see this?

You know another thing she did was change her number and all. I know the new number but didn't want to call and sound like I am harassing her. Like I said in my original post. I feel like her family and friends have brainwashed her to the max. Which is insane since I have told her before that she is not a baby.

I just feel bad that one day when she resents and realizes she made a big mistake of leaving me. It would be too late and I would suffer thinking that shes alone and wants me now when it's late


----------



## turnera

Money is never an issue to use to decide whether to move forward. You can always make more money. You don't get another life.


----------



## alexjim1980

turnera said:


> Money is never an issue to use to decide whether to move forward. You can always make more money. You don't get another life.


Thank you so much for posting that. That's what I try to make her realize. I know how much I love her. I would never cheat on her. I mean deep down I love her from the depth of my soul. I know that no matter who I end up with. No matter how much better she is then this wife of mine I will still have love for this woman in my heart. She is the first love of my life and when I married her I had mentally prepared myself of making this my marriage my first and last marriage. Boy does it break my heart when I see this ending.

I know things would work out for the best if she came back.


----------



## nikon

I think you're in denial. You said "you know" things would work out if she came back. Sadly, I must disagree. No one knows anything. Especially what two people might do. You might know you'll love her forever, but even that often ends up false. If you actually gave yourself a chance "to let go" you might find it easier to move on and maybe find someone else to love. Now that you've been through this experience (and learned from it) you will most likely not make the same mistake again. A fresh start is always a good thing - because no matter how much time you spend "wooing" her and "trying to get her back" what you had - the scars of your relationship will never go away or be completely forgotten. And because sex means so much to you, the same problem might reappear later (again) - after all, what goes around comes around. 

People usually file for divorce for a good reason. She gave up on you - and she obviously doesn't love you enough to stay with you. You need to let her go. "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you - it's yours, if it doesn't it was never yours in the first place". - She left for a good reason - She realised this is not the man she wants to spend her life with, not the man that will be able to provide her and your future kids with the security she needs. Mistakes were made and she made a choice. Your pleadings probably make you look even weaker and more pathetic. You need to learn to let go.

To answer your question. No, I don't think you should "get your wife back" - I don't even think that's an option, anyway. She is a person, not a thing - you can't get her back just because you want to. It almost seems like you don't respect her decision of leaving, everything is about you - if you really love her try and understand her side too. If she really really wants to divorce you, sign the papers. Why do you want to waste more time on someone who doesn't want you? And don't pay her debts, pay yours - and move on. End this before it gets really messy - love on your side is not enough. It takes two.


----------



## tony

well, i do admire you in someway alexjim...but you need to love and take care of yourself now..have confidence in everything you do and just try to forget her..if she comes back, good for you. but you have to realize that letting go your wife means loving and respecting her till the end. you don't need to feel bitter cos you did your part as a husband. just continue doing what is right and for sure you will get abundant blessings. be positive always and always smiling!


----------



## alexjim1980

nikon said:


> I think you're in denial. You said "you know" things would work out if she came back. Sadly, I must disagree. No one knows anything. Especially what two people might do. You might know you'll love her forever, but even that often ends up false. If you actually gave yourself a chance "to let go" you might find it easier to move on and maybe find someone else to love. Now that you've been through this experience (and learned from it) you will most likely not make the same mistake again. A fresh start is always a good thing - because no matter how much time you spend "wooing" her and "trying to get her back" what you had - the scars of your relationship will never go away or be completely forgotten. And because sex means so much to you, the same problem might reappear later (again) - after all, what goes around comes around.
> 
> People usually file for divorce for a good reason. She gave up on you - and she obviously doesn't love you enough to stay with you. You need to let her go. "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you - it's yours, if it doesn't it was never yours in the first place". - She left for a good reason - She realised this is not the man she wants to spend her life with, not the man that will be able to provide her and your future kids with the security she needs. Mistakes were made and she made a choice. Your pleadings probably make you look even weaker and more pathetic. You need to learn to let go.
> 
> To answer your question. No, I don't think you should "get your wife back" - I don't even think that's an option, anyway. She is a person, not a thing - you can't get her back just because you want to. It almost seems like you don't respect her decision of leaving, everything is about you - if you really love her try and understand her side too. If she really really wants to divorce you, sign the papers. Why do you want to waste more time on someone who doesn't want you? And don't pay her debts, pay yours - and move on. End this before it gets really messy - love on your side is not enough. It takes two.


I think you are right in that aspect. I am not in denial it is just that I was fixing the aspects of the relationship where I had done wrong. I don't say there won't be any scars but how bad am I. I know I made mistakes and all. But after all what I went through I was still faithful to her. I deserved at least some credit. I am in a much better finanical situation now so I can support her myself without her having to work. Everyone makes a mistakes and depending what kind of mistake you did the person should judge you. At the same time she is suppose to see what good I have done for her and sacrifices I have made too.


----------



## alexjim1980

tony said:


> well, i do admire you in someway alexjim...but you need to love and take care of yourself now..have confidence in everything you do and just try to forget her..if she comes back, good for you. but you have to realize that letting go your wife means loving and respecting her till the end. you don't need to feel bitter cos you did your part as a husband. just continue doing what is right and for sure you will get abundant blessings. be positive always and always smiling!


Yeah I feel much better now. No I don't have a grudge against her. I think that maybe in someways it was for the better. Could have been worse if I had kids with her and then she did this kind of psychotic move. 

I will probably cut a deal with her to change the papers to irreconcilable differences and put the debt as 50-50. If she agrees to that fine. If not then I would go to court. Like I said before since she's meeting another guy which is the possible reason for the demise of my relationship with her, my friends and family have advised me not to let her step on me all over. For what she is doing nowdays I could go to court and file a counter divorce on basis of adultery. I have some solid evidence to prove that. I won't go that route if she nicely agrees to change the divorce terms on her side and to paying half of the debt. So you can see and be the judge that even here I am giving her the chance.


----------

