# Hard to let go :(



## Gloomy (Nov 9, 2015)

Hi,

even though I and pretty much everybody else says that they don't believe that things could ever improve between me and my husband, I just can`t seem to let go. I feel so confused. Sometimes, especially when I am reading through the responds I got in my other thread where I explained a bit of the problem, I feel so strong about ending my marriage completely and filing for divorce, and then there are days when I am just so sad and cant or don't want to believe where we are..I then find myself doubting the decision to get divorced and am questioning if I should just forget about it all and give my husband another chance (he had been asking for one). Why cant I just make a decision and not doubting it? I feel most of the people here on this forum are so sure they don't want to continue their marriage. I read titles like "Wife wants a divorce"...I wish I could say that about myself and really feel it. 
I never wanted a divorce in the first place but we are sexually incompatible and I am scared he will eventually leave me for someone he is compatible with. Another reason why I cant recommit is because he once already initiated talking about divorce, and now I believe that once the word has been out it will likelier come back in the future (likelier than if it had never been spoken out) ...I don't know, I am just still so shocked that my husband wanted to divorce me who he used to love so much. And that he really wanted to get rid of someone (me) who was so good and genuine to him. I just want to understand how something like that can happen..Because now I don't know how to trust in our marriage anymore (before I used to think that nothing and nobody could ever come between a marriage anyway..). Even if I gave him another chance I wouldn't know where to hold on to, because our marital bond itself cant reassure me anymore that we will be together forever...Ahhh, it will never be the same.

On the other hand, I keep thinking if I really wanted him back, wouldn't I already be back with him?! I guess I am just having troubles to forget the old him..from our past 
At the same time, he is now preparing divorce paperwork because I haven't been ready yet to recommit with him...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's normal to feel wishy washy about divorce. It's a huge deal.

Was the main reason sexual incompatibility? 

If so, what kind of help did you receive regarding your relationship?


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## Gloomy (Nov 9, 2015)

The sexual incompatibility was the main reason, yes.
And it all started by him creating a huuuuge interest in seeing female co-workers of his during non-work hours..all of them singles..Almost simultaneously, he voiced his desire to start swinging. With the swinging, I -at first- tried to be the "compromising cool wife"...of course that didn't last long, cause as soon as he wanted to have the full program with another woman (penetration) I got super jealous and insecure about myself. Constantly asking myself why I am not enough for my husband.  I thought by being compromising we are just gonna go to the club and he can watch other people. Nope, the more often we went, the more he wanted to do with other women.
We had started going to marriage counseling, when instead of being understanding that I dont want him to create such strong emotional bonds with his female co-workers, he kept defending them and himself (claiming I was the crazy person who is overly jealous). I couldn't help myself, I just had a very bad feeling about this. I had tried so hard to be okay with it but these female friends became more and more important in his life, ughh...I felt like I was worth zero in this relationship.. At that point, I felt like a burden to him honestly..

During marriage counseling, IIIII ended up working on my "jealousy" so he could stop feeling depressed (as he said he was). I had actually wanted to go to marriage counseling so he would understand my feelings and be a bit more understanding and loyal to me, but then he all suddenly said he was so incredibly unhappy and depressed in our marriage. And that he didn't know why! I was so super shocked, never had thought he was that unhappy with me  It hurt me so much to hear that and I immediately wanted to make things better so he would be happy again. At first, I worked on the jealousy issue..then after this was better, he gave me another problem which he was unhappy about...I changed, problem solved...all suddenly there was another problem why he was not happy...and so forth. I worked on every problem that he mentioned because I wanted him to feel good in our marriage. 

For some reason, he convinced me, that he just felt more comfortable being friends with women because with men he could hardly find a connection or same interests. And that he had always been this way even before me. So...believe it or not, but I had started feeling sorry for this poor guy..thats why I worked on my "jealousy".

Well, after all problems had successfully been worked on by me (as I thought) there was in the end still ONE last problem he came to me with. And that problem I haven't been able to solve until the end: the swinging. He said he needed that, that's where he felt at home, he didn't put love and sex in the same box, sex was just sex and didn't have anything to do with the love feeling he had for me,..etc!
I must have gotten to my limits because I said I couldnt do any swinging with him. I didn't even want to go to the swinger club anymore, I felt so threatened to lose my husband. 

Eventually, he stopped having sex with me. Whenever I tried to initiate sex with him, he would decline. I have tried a lot..new clothes, new ways of seducing him, toys...I can`t even remember all anymore. But I do remember that "he" got hard and my husband still refused to have sex with me because he said he wasn't mentally stimulated. Most often he would give me excuses though: One day he was too tired, the next day it was too late at night, ..every excuse you can think of.. Again, I started to think I must have become super unattractive..Every time he said no to sex with me, I felt sooo angry inside of me!! Of course I tried to hide it but after a while it just got harder and harder. Ironically, when I tested him and asked if he wanted to go to the swingers club, he wasn't tired at all anymore..

Oh, in the meantime, he had also stopped seeing our marriage counselor and went to a different one by himself. I continued seeing our former marriage counselor for individual counseling. Then I heard about Sex Therapy..And I thought that could be our last way out of this misery, because to me, it seemed like he had only interest in sex with other women and not with me anymore. 
Sex therapist said swinging was a preference, and that there were quite a few couples that dealt with that problem. Instead of thinking of divorce, maybe we could find a compromise. Okay...I really loved my husband and didn't want to give up my marriage, letting everyone know I failed as a wife  So we started thinking about a compromise. He still wanted to go to swingers club every other month AT LEAST (his words) and do soft swinging..(everything but penetration). And he wanted to make swinger friends which we could see outside the swingers club. Swinger friends we both like..I couldnt live with any of that though, I never agreed to it, and he still doesn't know how to fix the problem (the problem of not being happy with just your wife in bed) and that's what brought us to our current situation of preparing for divorce


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I hope that you are coming to see that you will be better off without this turmoil in your life. The problem is with your husband, not you. He clearly does not want to be married.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Wow...I see what you mean. It's about meeting his needs and not yours. I've been there and it doesn't get better. It appears that you did your part. 

Sometimes, as sad as it is, there is nothing for us to fix. It's done.

It's painful. Some days we want to save the marriage and some days we want to run. It's all normal. 

Hang in there....move forward.


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