# Sleeping seperately after fighting!



## Spadesrave

I am frustrated, i get so heated during an arguement that i cant stand to even be around my husband let alone sleep in the same bed. I have been making him sleep on the couch because i dont want anything to do with him right now. People say that bonding in the bed is very important. I can really use some tips on how to calm down and discuss the arguement instead of letting it ruin me.


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## norajane

People who argue frequently usually have a pattern...do you see a pattern in your fights? Maybe there is something about the pattern that you can change before it becomes a big argument. 

What kinds of things are you fighting about? Are these petty irritations, disagreements, disappointments, hurts, deep resentments, something else?


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## keko

I used to get the best sex after a heated argument. Try a little intimacy a before going to bed/after arguing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel

I withdraw when I'm angry, but I remind myself that I'm angry at another person's actions, and that despite what they did, I love the person. You're rejecting the person, which can hurt a relationship. Would you be able to share a bed if you reminded yourself that the person you care about is the one beside you, and that the anger will still be there later to deal with, but for the next little while, until you're both asleep, you can lie silently in the same room?


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## sigma1299

Kathy has it right. Being angry doesn't (shouldn't) mean that you don't love him and kicking him out of the bed is hurtful. Even if you feel he's been hurtful to you when the day is over you should be in the same bed. FWIW I'm surprised he sleeps on the couch, were it me I'd be in the bed and leave it to you to sleep on the couch.


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## Tall Average Guy

sigma1299 said:


> Kathy has it right. Being angry doesn't (shouldn't) mean that you don't love him and kicking him out of the bed is hurtful. Even if you feel he's been hurtful to you when the day is over you should be in the same bed. FWIW I'm surprised he sleeps on the couch, were it me I'd be in the bed and leave it to you to sleep on the couch.


This. Try flipping it around and being the person who has to sleep on the couch. Kicking him out may be a way to "win" the fight even when you are wrong (and don't tell me that you have never been wrong in all the fights you may have had). If you are the one to leave, it may help you decide to let things go a little more quickly.


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## A Bit Much

Chris Taylor said:


> I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for the past three weeks. This has been one of my wife's favorite tactics when we get into an argument... rather than her sleeping in the other room because she doesn't want to sleep with me, I get banished out of the bedroom.
> 
> It used to last a day or so and then she'd "allow" me back in until the next time we fought. but this time it was different. I stayed out of the bedroom. When she said "you can sleep in the bedroom tonight", I said "no thanks".
> 
> A few days later she asked "are you going to sleep in the other bedroom forever?" and I said "yes".
> 
> A few days later she said "I miss you not sleeping in the bedroom. Why don't you come back?" and I told her that I don't plan on being thrown out of the bedroom again.
> 
> Granted, sleeping apart is just one of many issues in our marriage but as far as I'm concerned, I look at it as a trial separation before I move out.


Good for you for standing your ground. :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans

I personally think it's very bad to sleep separately. If you are arguing so much where you are telling him to sleep elsewhere, you need marriage counselling.

it will slowly erode your marriage. And it may get to the point that instead of you telling him you don't want him in the bed, he willingly starts sleeping elsewhere because he doesn't want to be near you.

Just saying.

This to me, is a kind of emotional blackmail. You use it as a trump card and you can bet your bottom dollar your marriage is going into a toxic drain fast if you continue doing this. 

It's very very immature and unproductive.


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## lamaga

I agree with Chris and Jelly -- sleeping apart is a bridge you really don't want to cross.


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## Spadesrave

Ive been the one to sleep on the couhc a few times because he refused to me. If i put the pillows on the couhc and he doesnt sleep there i cant force him to. Really hes not even fighting. This is rare in our house. But i am just expressing that i am sick of certain things and if it doesnt change im going to turn the back room into my bedroom. I am not going to be left alone constantly, be lied to, then be used for his purposes. I feel worthless. I dont feel as if i am winning anything, it just makes me feel better knowing that i dont have to give into him.


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## Jellybeans

Well it seems like there are other issues going on. Communication is key. If you dont talk or resolve your issues, you have a bad marriage. If you already have all these issues and are telling him to sleep somewhere else, that isn't strengthening your marriage--it's destroying it. All you are doing is creating more distance. Distance = bad for a marriage.

Talk & get to the bottom of your problems. Marriage counselling is a very good idea.


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## Trickster

Chris Taylor said:


> I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for the past three weeks. This has been one of my wife's favorite tactics when we get into an argument... rather than her sleeping in the other room because she doesn't want to sleep with me, I get banished out of the bedroom.
> 
> It used to last a day or so and then she'd "allow" me back in until the next time we fought. but this time it was different. I stayed out of the bedroom. When she said "you can sleep in the bedroom tonight", I said "no thanks".
> 
> A few days later she asked "are you going to sleep in the other bedroom forever?" and I said "yes".
> 
> A few days later she said "I miss you not sleeping in the bedroom. Why don't you come back?" and I told her that I don't plan on being thrown out of the bedroom again.
> 
> Granted, sleeping apart is just one of many issues in our marriage but as far as I'm concerned, I look at it as a trial separation before I move out.


 I sleep in the spare bedroom a lot lately. My wife and I never reall fight. She is too passive. Make upn sex would never work. I don't get kicked out of the bed... I just go on my own. Before I waited until she went to sleep and I would say that I didn't want to wake her up because I couldn't sleep. Then I wasn't tired and I wanted to read. Now I go to bed early and I don't say anything. She NEVER tells me what she is thinking. She never ask why. Never asks...What gives?


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## Ten_year_hubby

sigma1299 said:


> I'm surprised he sleeps on the couch, were it me I'd be in the bed and leave it to you to sleep on the couch.


We have this situation at my house more frequently than I might like to admit. No way I'm sleeping anywhere other than the bed no matter what her problem is. My wife can take her angry feelings and go sleep wherever she wants.


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## Jellybeans

Ten_year_hubby said:


> We have this situation at my house more frequently than I might like to admit. No way I'm sleeping anywhere other than the bed no matter what her problem is. My wife can take her angry feelings and go sleep wherever she wants.


Boom. Winning! (a la Charlie Sheen) 

I can't imagine how awful one would feel hearing their spouse tell them to sleep somewhere else/on the touch because they can't stand to be near you.  That's terrible.


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## sigma1299

There's a huge difference between sleeping in the same bed when you're angry and having sex with him when you want to gouge his eyeballs. I would never kick my wife out - she would never kick me out (she didn't even kick me out the night of D Day of my EA) - but there are plenty of times we've gone to bed fighting and both would rather have had sex with a porcupine than each other. 

It's the difference between an act of omission or commission. Not having sex is an act of omission - you're pissed so he's not getting any - not that big a deal. Throwing him out or vice versa is an act of commission - I'm pissed and now changing the rules of the relationship (where you sleep) until you make me un-pissed. It's an premeditated overt act of hostility.


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## A Bit Much

This is a rule at our house. No sleeping elsewhere. Angry doesn't give you a pass to keep/create more distance between us. 

OP, if there are more serious issues going on, they need to be addressed. Kicking your husband out of the bedroom is only reinforcing the negative, not resolving a thing.


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## Ten_year_hubby

sigma1299 said:


> I'm pissed and now changing the rules of the relastionship (where you sleep) until you make me un-pissed. It's an premeditated overt act of hostility.


Amen brother


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## Jellybeans

A Bit Much said:


> This is a rule at our house. No sleeping elsewhere. Angry doesn't give you a pass to keep/create more distance between us.


I like this.


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## Spadesrave

We dont fight that much. It is certain things we fight about that i am sick of. I dont want to share me or anything that i feel with him if he isnt going to understand me. Does that make sense? I dont want to be away form him, but i am not going to give in and act like my feelings arent important. He doesnt have to sleep on the couch. I throw the pillows on there and if he stays its his choosing. Ive had a few people tell me that its important not to go to bed fighting or spating whatever have you. Because thats where couples get there most amount of bonding time. I dont feel bonding. Its laying there for a few minutes then him falling asleep unless its "that time" and then the sleep follows right after. I know it does suck for someone to be asked to sleep somewehre else but its sucks just as much to hear someone say certain things or even act like certain things arent important.


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## Spadesrave

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Amen brother


I dont understand how that would be hostility? please explain...


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## lamaga

Well, Spade, you asked for people's opinions, and you get a pretty universal thumbs-down on sleeping apart. I understand that you don't like that, but perhaps you could give it a little thought?

You seem very set on being right.


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## Spadesrave

KathyBatesel said:


> I withdraw when I'm angry, but I remind myself that I'm angry at another person's actions, and that despite what they did, I love the person. You're rejecting the person, which can hurt a relationship. Would you be able to share a bed if you reminded yourself that the person you care about is the one beside you, and that the anger will still be there later to deal with, but for the next little while, until you're both asleep, you can lie silently in the same room?




We do spend most times after an arguement in the bed together but no touching or anything physical. Might as well be sleeping somewhere else. Sometimes there will be cuddling throughout the night after a arguement but then when he wakes up or i wake up it goes back to the same thing. Why is that? I feel rejected alot in a sense of being alone, not being told how great i am or even being complimented on. that sucks big time. makes me feel alone and worthless.


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## Jellybeans

First you said you fought a lot, then you said you kicked him out the bed because you dont want to be near him, now it sounds like you're backtracking, saying how the fighting isn't too much and you don't see how it's hostile to kick your husband out of your bedroom.

Huh??? 

Does not make any sense.


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## A Bit Much

> I know it does suck for someone to be asked to sleep somewehre else but its sucks just as much to hear someone say certain things or even act like certain things arent important


All you're doing is rugsweeping the real issue. Sending him to the couch isn't doing anything to repair any of the damage that's been done over time. It's counterproductive. How do you feel about him the next morning after sleeping apart? If you're still angry, what was the point?

If you feel undervalued, unappreciated and mistreated then you should do something about it. Communicate with your husband. If that doesn't work, suggest counseling for you both. You can't continue to live this way... playing this game. It's making you more resentful and hurt as time goes on.


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## Spadesrave

lamaga said:


> Well, Spade, you asked for people's opinions, and you get a pretty universal thumbs-down on sleeping apart. I understand that you don't like that, but perhaps you could give it a little thought?
> 
> You seem very set on being right.


It doesnt have anytyhing to do with being right. Its the fact that i am not giving into someone who isnt understand and is selfish. Id rather sleep apart than give anythign of me to someone who isnt going to understand me or try to make things better. ive said that before already.


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## A Bit Much

Spadesrave said:


> It doesnt have anytyhing to do with being right. Its the fact that i am not giving into someone who isnt understand and is selfish. Id rather sleep apart than give anythign of me to someone who isnt going to understand me or try to make things better. ive said that before already.


Your standoff is a passive aggressive way of dealing with your issues with your husband. It's not fixing the problem.


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## Spadesrave

A Bit Much said:


> All you're doing is rugsweeping the real issue. Sending him to the couch isn't doing anything to repair any of the damage that's been done over time. It's counterproductive. How do you feel about him the next morning after sleeping apart? If you're still angry, what was the point?
> 
> If you feel undervalued, unappreciated and mistreated then you should do something about it. Communicate with your husband. If that doesn't work, suggest counseling for you both. You can't continue to live this way... playing this game. It's making you more resentful and hurt as time goes on.


you cant rugsweep something that you try to talk about. some thigns its over and over again and not getting anywhere with it. Its not a game in fact they are my feelings, and his too. but only one side matters. Idont have resent i just feel pushed away and last. so much for being number one in someones life.


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## sigma1299

I've heard the "never go to bed angry thing" to and I think it's poppyc0ck. My wife and I have gone to bed several times when you'd think the Grand Canyon ran down the middle of it because we didn't even want our toes to touch - but we still went to sleep in the same bed. Many of the nights we went to bed like that we both woke up the next morning saying, "WTF was that all about??" Fights get a life of their own - the fight becomes the thing not whatever the fight was about. If you wake up next to each other it's hard to perpetuate the fight unless there's a real reason - if you wake up separated you start off angry because your spouse isn't where they're supposed to be.


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## Spadesrave

A Bit Much said:


> Your standoff is a passive aggressive way of dealing with your issues with your husband. It's not fixing the problem.


Passive agressive? Liek i have said before i try to fix them and i want to be understood. I am not going to be pushed aside and ignored and be hurt all the time. Then if you believe that so much maynbe you can tell me this issue i need to be fixing? O what would you do if you have tried over and over agian?


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## A Bit Much

Spadesrave said:


> you cant rugsweep something that you try to talk about. some thigns its over and over again and not getting anywhere with it. Its not a game in fact they are my feelings, and his too. but only one side matters. Idont have resent i just feel pushed away and last. so much for being number one in someones life.


If you aren't getting anywhere then what's keeping you there? You like beating dead horses?

This problem is just as much your fault as it is his. It is a game... like tennis. Back and forth back and forth. Push and pull. At some point you need to do something about it.


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## Lionelhutz

Jellybeans said:


> Boom. Winning! (a la Charlie Sheen)
> 
> .


LOL!!! Damn Straight


I wouldn't leave if "ordered" to sleep on the couch. But sleeping separate is the start of a very bad precedent. It is a short step to leading separate lives and effectively ending the marriage.

When I gave up on our sex life I decided I would rather sleep alone but that was only once I decided my marriage was likely beyond repair.


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## southern wife

lamaga said:


> I agree with Chris and Jelly -- sleeping apart is a bridge you really don't want to cross.


Sleeping apart is a bridge you want to "close"............so you're sleeping together permanently.


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## A Bit Much

You can only change yourself. You can't make your husband do anything, he has to WANT to. If he's shown you over time he doesn't WANT to, then you have a decision to make for your own peace of mind.

Your happiness is YOUR responsibility.


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## Spadesrave

A Bit Much said:


> If you aren't getting anywhere then what's keeping you there? You like beating dead horses?
> 
> This problem is just as much your fault as it is his. It is a game... like tennis. Back and forth back and forth. Push and pull. At some point you need to do something about it.


I think you are really negaitve. You post rude puns and try to blame this one me. you obviously arent reading anyhting that i am posting. and another thing the post i made was for tips on how i can calm dow nbefore bed time and work throught it not judge me and what you think on my part instead of the overall situation.


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## Spadesrave

southern wife said:


> Sleeping apart is a bridge you want to "close"............so you're sleeping together permanently.


Haha. YEA RIGHT! i will never wear lingerie. That was ruined by a night i tryed ot make romantic and turned out to be "one night" he wasnt up for it. nice. Never happen agian. but thanks for being fun and thoughtful!


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## Spadesrave

Lionelhutz said:


> LOL!!! Damn Straight
> 
> 
> I wouldn't leave if "ordered" to sleep on the couch. But sleeping separate is the start of a very bad precedent. It is a short step to leading separate lives and effectively ending the marriage.
> 
> When I gave up on our sex life I decided I would rather sleep alone but that was only once I decided my marriage was likely beyond repair.


I dont want ot have sex alot. I have said this a couple of times. i jsut dont want to give my self to someone who isnt going to understand me. I am not going to make sex and issue. It is supposes to be intamite and if i am not feeling like things are good between us then its a no go. But also if i still feel bad he is still always wanting to go! sheesh.


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## A Bit Much

Spadesrave said:


> I think you are really negaitve. You post rude puns and try to blame this one me. you obviously arent reading anyhting that i am posting. and another thing the post i made was for tips on how i can calm dow nbefore bed time and work throught it not judge me and what you think on my part instead of the overall situation.


If what I'm saying is causing you to really think about your situation for what it is, then that's a good thing. Your marriage and the sum of your relationship is NOT all your husband's doing. You can be upset and angry at him and blame him for your misery, but the truth is, you continue to live in it. That's your choice to do so. 

You shouldn't be getting that angry all the time. It's not good for either of you. Physically and emotionally over time, it's destructive to go on like this. The anger is a symptom, not the problem. Fix the problem and the symptoms will go away.


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## Spadesrave

Jellybeans said:


> Boom. Winning! (a la Charlie Sheen)
> 
> I can't imagine how awful one would feel hearing their spouse tell them to sleep somewhere else/on the touch because they can't stand to be near you.  That's terrible.



Its not terrible. YOu ask for it you get it. I dont feel sorry for not wanting to be around him when he isnt going to compromise tell the truth and act like im part of his life. sorry!


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## Prodigal

Spadesrave said:


> you cant rugsweep something that you try to talk about. some thigns its over and over again and not getting anywhere with it. Its not a game in fact they are my feelings, and his too. but only one side matters. Idont have resent i just feel pushed away and last. so much for being number one in someones life.


Well, I do not mean this in a sarcastic manner, nor do I want to insult you. I hear you saying that talking to your husband gets you no response. Nothing gets resolved. You don't count. You don't matter.

If that is the case, why not consider moving your bed elsewhere? Like into your own apartment. (And that is not meant as a joke.)

Heck, if you are this miserable, then just forget the separate-sleeping arrangement and go for a separate-living arrangement.


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## lamaga

Anyone else starting to feel really badly for Mr. Spade?


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## A Bit Much

lamaga said:


> Anyone else starting to feel really badly for Mr. Spade?


MEEEEEEE! 

I don't do pity parties. This is sounding like it's turning into one.


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## Spadesrave

A Bit Much said:


> If what I'm saying is causing you to really think about your situation for what it is, then that's a good thing. Your marriage and the sum of your relationship is NOT all your husband's doing. You can be upset and angry at him and blame him for your misery, but the truth is, you continue to live in it. That's your choice to do so.
> 
> You shouldn't be getting that angry all the time. It's not good for either of you. Physically and emotionally over time, it's destructive to go on like this. The anger is a symptom, not the problem. Fix the problem and the symptoms will go away.


YES I KNOW ITS NOT ALL HIS DOING. I am not thinking about a situation i have already been thinking about for days due to something you posted on here. I dont blame him for my misery, i am not miserable just pissed off. but i do blame him for not trying to be part of my life and being here with his family and not acting like i should be first in his life instead of last. The anger is ridiculous i dont want to feel angry. I just want for him to realize its not his way or the highway its supposed to be us both everything sticks to us both. gosh. im so annoyed.


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## Spadesrave

A Bit Much said:


> MEEEEEEE!
> 
> I don't do pity parties. This is sounding like it's turning into one.


Listen you really need to read this stuff you are posting and what i am actually telling you. seems as if you are trying to pull something from somewhere else. i dont need pitty. read the first post i even put on here. and think about how ridiculous this post just sounded. thanks!


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## A Bit Much

Spadesrave said:


> YES I KNOW ITS NOT ALL HIS DOING. I am not thinking about a situation i have already been thinking about for days due to something you posted on here. I dont blame him for my misery, i am not miserable just pissed off. but i do blame him for not trying to be part of my life and being here with his family and not acting like i should be first in his life instead of last. The anger is ridiculous i dont want to feel angry. I just want for him to realize its not his way or the highway its supposed to be us both everything sticks to us both. gosh. im so annoyed.


You want what you want (which doesn't sound unreasonable). 

He either doesn't care, or doesn't want to change or both. Now what?


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## Lionelhutz

Spadesrave said:


> Haha. YEA RIGHT! i will never wear lingerie. That was ruined by a night i tryed ot make romantic and turned out to be "one night" he wasnt up for it. nice. Never happen agian. but thanks for being fun and thoughtful!


So you had one rejection and now you are going to permanently sit back and be resentful?


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## SunnyT

Spadesrave, you are pretty vague in your description of the problems. But we can see in your posts that there is at LEAST communication issues (even if you are trying, it's still an issue that is huge). We can see that you DO have resentment...it shows. And maybe the resentment is normal because he isn't working WITH you... but it's still there, and it's not healthy for both you or the relationship.

To your original question...what can you do about the sleeping on the couch issue... people have answered it. You can take the couch yourself, you can stop doing that at all, you can work on your communication issues, get marriage counseling, and more....

The bottom line is, and I think they tried to tell you this too is that sleeping separately is bad for the marriage, sends a bad message to the person who has to sleep elsewhere... and more importantly, that YOU have to be responsible for your own happiness. If your husband isn't a positive, good, loving part of your life then YOU have to decide things YOU can do. YOU can work on changing yourself, so that your happiness isn't based on his words. YOU get your life going in a good direction that doesn't allow his attitude to make or break you. 

And it's not about "blaming" you. It's reality. If you don't like his attitude toward you, then don't depend on him to make you happy. Don't depend on him to make you feel fulfilled or worthy or whatever. Do that for yourself. He will either come around and appreciate you in a way that is meaningful to you, or he won't ...and you can then decide what to do about that, because you will personally be in a better place anyway!

Once you start making yourself more independently positive, then you can decide if this relationship is fulfilling, just going through the motions, or a waste of life. 

Figure out YOU. That is what will help you.


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## Spadesrave

lamaga said:


> Anyone else starting to feel really badly for Mr. Spade?[/QUE
> 
> Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?


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## Prodigal

Spadesrave said:


> i am not miserable just pissed off. but i do blame him for not trying to be part of my life and being here with his family and not acting like i should be first in his life instead of last. The anger is ridiculous i dont want to feel angry. I just want for him to realize its not his way or the highway its supposed to be us both everything sticks to us both. gosh. im so annoyed.


You are coming in loud and clear that you are annoyed. If you don't want to feel angry, then stop feeling angry. One of the very few things any of us can control in our lives are thoughts and feelings. Feelings are fickle; they change, they come and go.

What you are doing by sleeping separately, is "telling" your husband your are royally p.o.'d at him. He isn't "hearing" you. I think you need to seriously consider a Plan B.

Marriage counseling perhaps?

And, yeah, you actually do sound miserable. Angry, annoyed, p.o.'d ... these are not emotions that make us jump for joy. Loads of anger makes people miserable, particularly if it drags on and on.


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## Spadesrave

SunnyT said:


> Spadesrave, you are pretty vague in your description of the problems. But we can see in your posts that there is at LEAST communication issues (even if you are trying, it's still an issue that is huge). We can see that you DO have resentment...it shows. And maybe the resentment is normal because he isn't working WITH you... but it's still there, and it's not healthy for both you or the relationship.
> 
> To your original question...what can you do about the sleeping on the couch issue... people have answered it. You can take the couch yourself, you can stop doing that at all, you can work on your communication issues, get marriage counseling, and more....
> 
> The bottom line is, and I think they tried to tell you this too is that sleeping separately is bad for the marriage, sends a bad message to the person who has to sleep elsewhere... and more importantly, that YOU have to be responsible for your own happiness. If your husband isn't a positive, good, loving part of your life then YOU have to decide things YOU can do. YOU can work on changing yourself, so that your happiness isn't based on his words. YOU get your life going in a good direction that doesn't allow his attitude to make or break you.
> 
> Once you start making yourself more independently positive, then you can decide if this relationship is fulfilling, just going through the motions, or a waste of life.
> 
> Figure out YOU. That is what will help you.



No i said i need help with calming down so it doesnt get to that. i didnt ask about the couch issue and what to do about it. i wanted some adivce on how to help myself even if i cant help the situation. but it seem like everyone on here is pulling something out of left feild and not reading what i am writing in return. Thats not a very good group pf help mates. Some have posted things that seem to be very helping and then others are attacking me. Thats normal thats the way most people work.

Aside of that, thanks for Letting me in on what i can do for myself. But i can just do for myself because i have a daughter with him. I wnat things to work and i love him terribly. BUT like i said i am not giving into something he isnt going to be part of. I cant help feeling that way or i can with some practice. Im jsut fed up. and aggrivated. and too many freaking things! and thats normal for someone to feel like that right?


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## Spadesrave

Prodigal said:


> You are coming in loud and clear that you are annoyed. If you don't want to feel angry, then stop feeling angry. One of the very few things any of us can control in our lives are thoughts and feelings. Feelings are fickle; they change, they come and go.
> 
> What you are doing by sleeping separately, is "telling" your husband your are royally p.o.'d at him. He isn't "hearing" you. I think you need to seriously consider a Plan B.
> 
> Marriage counseling perhaps?
> 
> And, yeah, you actually do sound miserable. Angry, annoyed, p.o.'d ... these are not emotions that make us jump for joy. Loads of anger makes people miserable, particularly if it drags on and on.


I am not miserable. Miserable if how i felt when i was pregnant. this isnt anything of the sort. but thank you for thinking so. Counseling seems to be a key. Only one way to find out. But i dont know any other way to get through to him. if i tell him how i feel about something it seems to go out the other ear. then hell say something just ot make me upset and then i am yelliung and just AHHH!


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## Spadesrave

Lionelhutz said:


> So you had one rejection and now you are going to permanently sit back and be resentful?


When you go out of your way for somebody like that and they reject you. WHY should you give them anything they want as far as that goes? WHY?


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## GTdad

Spadesrave said:


> When you go out of your way for somebody like that and they reject you. WHY should you give them anything they want as far as that goes? WHY?


Have you ever declined to have sex with your husband? Would it have been reasonable for him to never ask again after the first time he was rejected?


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## Ten_year_hubby

Spadesrave said:


> Why is that? I feel rejected alot in a sense of being alone, not being told how great i am or even being complimented on. that sucks big time. makes me feel alone and worthless.


I think the op is sharing something here that can benefit the understanding of a lot of people, especially men. Whether rational or not, whether justified or not, whether rightful or not, a woman's internal feelings about herself have a huge impact on her relationship behavior. Even if these feelings are actually the result of childhood experiences or the massive number of judgmental messages women receive daily from friends and the media, in the marriage bed these feelings manifest as a relationship problem.


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## A Bit Much

> i need help with calming down


Leaving the situation would do that. Whether that's going for a drive, taking a walk or moving out. And some anger management classes wouldn't hurt either. You have a child, seeing her mother go ballistic on a regular basis can't be good for her.


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## Lionelhutz

Spadesrave said:


> When you go out of your way for somebody like that and they reject you. WHY should you give them anything they want as far as that goes? WHY?


Because it is the grown-up mature thing to do when you are married. You need to talk about it and learn to forgive.

If it keeps happening that is a different story but one rejection and permanently pouting will destroy your marriage


----------



## SunnyT

If he doesn't "hear" you.... I DO get that. My point was that you can't make him hear you, you can't make it all better. BTDT. 

What I learned from my ex (and it lasted 23 years...so no, I didn't give up either) was to not count on him to be a positive part of my life. I couldn't MAKE him hear or understand me.... and it's immensely frustrating. I withdrew.... I learned how to count on myself because he would only let me down and disappoint me. I went back to school to improve my life, and my family's (5 kids) because I knew I couldn't count on him. See? Count on yourself. Get yourself to a place ....mentally, physically and financially where he doesn't have the power to make you feel good, bad, or whatever.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby

Spadesrave said:


> if i tell him how i feel about something it seems to go out the other ear


If I may be so bold as to ask, what are you expecting from him that you're not getting here?


----------



## Cosmos

After an argument, the last thing I want is to have my partner anywhere near me. We're not married, don't live together, so this isn't a huge problem. However, I do realise that this is a very immature and destructive trait of mine that I need to work on. 

I remember my grandmother saying something to the effect of "a couple who sleep together stay together," and I think she was right. Even though a couple might still be stinging after an argument, the physical proximity in bed can lessen the pain. Making a partner / spouse sleep elsewhere is really exacerbating things...

Don't know if this helps, OP.


----------



## Spadesrave

A Bit Much said:


> Leaving the situation would do that. Whether that's going for a drive, taking a walk or moving out. And some anger management classes wouldn't hurt either. You have a child, seeing her mother go ballistic on a regular basis can't be good for her.


See there you go again attacking! i do not go ballistic. I get mad just as any other human. our daughter isnt always aroun us when we argue. And even when she is we dont promote the screaming and yelling in front of her although sometimes and as hard as that is we try to prevent it because its not good for her. You arent choosing the way you are referring to my situation carefully. like i had said before its negative. Another thing, why is it all of a sudden i need to refer to anger management classes because i am hurt over something? Thats irrational at its best. If thats the case then i need it now due to the discussion between us for you not speaking with a better vocabulary towards me.


----------



## Spadesrave

Cosmos said:


> After an argument, the last thing I want is to have my partner anywhere near me. We're not married, don't live together, so this isn't a huge problem. However, I do realise that this is a very immature and destructive trait of mine that I need to work on.
> 
> I remember my grandmother saying something to the effect of "a couple who sleep together stay together," and I think she was right. Even though a couple might still be stinging after an argument, the physical proximity in bed can lessen the pain. Making a partner / spouse sleep elsewhere is really exacerbating things...
> 
> Don't know if this helps, OP.


Its just nice that you put it in good words. Thank you for that! It is rare for this to happen (sleeping o nthe couch), i just prefer not to be with him in the bed during this time because im jsut fed up with it. But i know that its something i shouldnt do to make him feel rejected. I jsut want him to see thats what he is doing to me!


----------



## Spadesrave

GTdad said:


> Have you ever declined to have sex with your husband? Would it have been reasonable for him to never ask again after the first time he was rejected?


HAHA! as much as i dont want to say this. That makes plenty of sense. But you are right on that.


----------



## SunnyT

Also.... I went to marriage counseling by myself, because he didn't HEAR me saying we have problems. He refused to acknowledge my feelings, or "our" problems. He wouldn't go to counseling with me.

This is what the counselor told me. You have two choices, stay in this relationship with this man who you feel doesn't respect you in the way that you need them to. Or leave. 

She said that I could make a time limit in my head, give myself time to still work at it, get him to understand the issues, get my head together.... and figure out what to do. So I gave myself (mentally, ex did not know there was an expiration date on the marriage) a year, and I did work at it still, as well as doing my own thing. I didn't get angry at him, or even resent him.... because HE was his own problem, and if he could not contribute to the relationship it was his own loss...not mine. I was fine without him, no longer felt rejected, dismissed, whatever.... 

So really, if you think about it... you have two choices.... work on yourself to get into a place to stay, or leave.

And jmo, screaming and yelling in a marriage is about as productive as making someone sleep on the couch.


----------



## Spadesrave

Lionelhutz said:


> Because it is the grown-up mature thing to do when you are married. You need to talk about it and learn to forgive.
> 
> If it keeps happening that is a different story but one rejection and permanently pouting will destroy your marriage


I wouldnt say its pouting. More like i am proving a point. that was somethign he wanted of me sexually and i gave it to him and he rejected me. I am forgiving all to much. But i am not going to get all sexy for him in that sense anymore. Sounds bad maybe to you but to me it sounds pretty good knowing that i dont have to put effort into something that he really didnt care about after it was soemthing he had wanted. still wants really.


----------



## sigma1299

Ummmm - Spadesrave - might I suggest going back and reading this thread from start to finish? You started off posing a question, got some answers, asked some more questions and go some more answers. Honestly - all the while getting more and more argumentative and defensive as you went. You are effectively working yourself up to a "fight" with a bunch of a strangers on the internet. If conversations with your Husband go this same route it's no wonder there are issues. No one here started off trying to insult you or pick a fight with you - everyone started off just trying to help, but as you get argumentative and defensive people here, just like everywhere else including your H, will poke back. 

I don't know why you seem to be working up to a fight with the people here and if I'm way off my apologies - but maybe you should look at your communication skills a little.


----------



## Spadesrave

SunnyT said:


> Also.... I went to marriage counseling by myself, because he didn't HEAR me saying we have problems. He refused to acknowledge my feelings, or "our" problems. He wouldn't go to counseling with me.
> 
> This is what the counselor told me. You have two choices, stay in this relationship with this man who you feel doesn't respect you in the way that you need them to. Or leave.
> 
> She said that I could make a time limit in my head, give myself time to still work at it, get him to understand the issues, get my head together.... and figure out what to do. So I gave myself (mentally, ex did not know there was an expiration date on the marriage) a year, and I did work at it still, as well as doing my own thing. I didn't get angry at him, or even resent him.... because HE was his own problem, and if he could not contribute to the relationship it was his own loss...not mine. I was fine without him, no longer felt rejected, dismissed, whatever....
> 
> So really, if you think about it... you have two choices.... work on yourself to get into a place to stay, or leave.


This is good to know. I just dont want ot leave because i am so inlove with him. i dont want to give certain things like the lingerie i was talking about earlier or give in to him when he isnt understanding. but thanks for this good info!


----------



## Ten_year_hubby

Spadesrave said:


> Im jsut fed up. and aggrivated. and too many freaking things! and thats normal for someone to feel like that right?


Normal as normal can be. My humble suggestion is that having feelings doesn't mean we have to act on them an further than to try and have them validated. When we are able to get to a state of calm introspection, we can ask ourselves what is it within ourselves that lets these feelings take root? My observations have been that differences in sex (m/f), upbringing, age, geographic origin, religious background are at the bottom of a lot of these feelings.


----------



## Spadesrave

sigma1299 said:


> Ummmm - Spadesrave - might I suggest going back and reading this thread from start to finish? You started off posing a question, got some answers, asked some more questions and go some more answers. Honestly - all the while getting more and more argumentative and defensive as you went. You are effectively working yourself up to a "fight" with a bunch of a strangers on the internet. If conversations with your Husband go this same route it's no wonder there are issues. No one here started off trying to insult you or pick a fight with you - everyone started off just trying to help, but as you get argumentative and defensive people here, just like everywhere else including your H, will poke back.
> 
> I don't know why you seem to be working up to a fight with the people here and if I'm way off my apologies - but maybe you should look at your communication skills a little.


YTes i have read it. have been reading it.I am not PICKING a fight with strangers. haha! There have been some on here not trying at all to express what they are thinking nicely and are attacking. Have you been reading? Its only a few. Besides what you jsut posted being a big contradiction in itself, the issues between us dont go this "way". I am not going to post the arguments itself on here for you to learn about what is between us. I was a simple question of how i can help MYSELF with feeling like i dont want to sleep with him in the same bed. again, thanks for READING.


----------



## sigma1299

Like I said - if I'm way off - my apologies.


----------



## Spadesrave

sigma1299 said:


> Like I said - if I'm way off - my apologies.


I jsut want some people on here to know that this isnt pity and it isnt ballistic and terrible, i have feelings. I am trying to learn a few things about calming down because if something makes me mad i can stay like that for days. I dont like feeling like that and i have always had this problem! since i was younger. That is one thing i have such a hard tiem fixing. I just want to let things go more easily. thats all. and instead of that being understaood when i posted certain things i would be attacked instead of being understood which is one problem i am currently having outside of this chat.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Spadesrave said:


> I wouldnt say its pouting. More like i am proving a point. that was somethign he wanted of me sexually and i gave it to him and he rejected me. I am forgiving all to much. But i am not going to get all sexy for him in that sense anymore. Sounds bad maybe to you but to me it sounds pretty good knowing that i dont have to put effort into something that he really didnt care about after it was soemthing he had wanted. still wants really.


Consider that your husband may have tried to meet a need of yours and you rejected him. If, in response, he stopped ever trying to do this to "prove a point", what would your reaction be? Would you consider it reasonable? Fair? Have you ever rejected him for good reason? Is his response to your current concerns similar? Might he be reacting to the perception that if things don't go perfectly for you, you react by attacking/withholding? Consider whether this reaction, where you seem perfectly happy to punish him forever for one event, is common in your marriage.

Finally, you, not your husband, are here posting. We can't give advice to your husband, only you. Add to that the fact that you can't change your husband, only yourself and how you react to others. Advice on working on yourself is given with that in mind.


----------



## Spadesrave

Jellybeans said:


> First you said you fought a lot, then you said you kicked him out the bed because you dont want to be near him, now it sounds like you're backtracking, saying how the fighting isn't too much and you don't see how it's hostile to kick your husband out of your bedroom.
> 
> Huh???
> 
> Does not make any sense.


I didnt say we fought alot. We fight about certian things alot. i am not backtracking. start from the beginning. I said several different times that we dont fight alot. I dont see it as hostile as i had said before i put the pillows on the couch and he choose to sleep there knowing that he really doesnt have too. It makes plenty of sense.


----------



## sigma1299

Spadesrave said:


> I jsut want some people on here to know that this isnt pity and it isnt ballistic and terrible, i have feelings. I am trying to learn a few things about calming down because if something makes me mad i can stay like that for days. I dont like feeling like that and i have always had this problem! since i was younger. That is one thing i have such a hard tiem fixing. I just want to let things go more easily. thats all. and instead of that being understaood when i posted certain things i would be attacked instead of being understood which is one problem i am currently having outside of this chat.


Well - that was kind of my point exactly - good that you see and realize it. You have to accept that anger is a useless emotion - it accomplish nothing - in fact all it really does is make real resolution of whatever is going on that much harder. Having said that - I'm certainly not perfect and have a temper myself and can lose it with the best of them. However I have never personally had the energy to "stay mad." It just takes too much time and energy and accomplishes nothing. Letting things go is just that simple - just let go - however for some it's far from that easy. If you want to improve it - do something. You may be able to do it just by making a conscious effort all by yourself, you may be able to do it by reading a book or two, or you may need some help such as counseling. There is nothing wrong with any of the above but if you want it fixed you have to do SOMETHING. 

I don't know if you're in the States or not, but if you are something I would suggest from personal experience and based on my very quick impression from this thread is that you look into a Dale Carnegie class. I've taken it and it is very good basic human interaction skills training - honestly I really should go take it again. It's expensive, but IMO worth it.


----------



## arbitrator

Regardless of whatever the topic was that brought on the argument, if the argument itself succeeded in bringing on feelings of disassociation, then you absolutely couldn't pay me to sleep with my spouse. And I would fastly relegate myself to the living room couch or another bedroom until such time that we were able to ford some sense of normalcy between the two of us. 

In that case, making up would have to be a two-way street with both of us individually taking responsiblity for our actions or lack thereof!


----------



## Spadesrave

Tall Average Guy said:


> Consider that your husband may have tried to meet a need of yours and you rejected him. If, in response, he stopped ever trying to do this to "prove a point", what would your reaction be? Would you consider it reasonable? Fair? Have you ever rejected him for good reason? Is his response to your current concerns similar? Might he be reacting to the perception that if things don't go perfectly for you, you react by attacking/withholding? Consider whether this reaction, where you seem perfectly happy to punish him forever for one event, is common in your marriage.
> 
> Finally, you, not your husband, are here posting. We can't give advice to your husband, only you. Add to that the fact that you can't change your husband, only yourself and how you react to others. Advice on working on yourself is given with that in mind.


i rejected him for the lingerie issue. instead of being hurt that way again i just decide against it. i am here to get advice for ME! thats what i posted. i dont punish him for that event. i am just protecting myself from humiliation.


----------



## A Bit Much

Spadesrave said:


> See there you go again attacking! i do not go ballistic. I get mad just as any other human. our daughter isnt always aroun us when we argue. And even when she is we dont promote the screaming and yelling in front of her although sometimes and as hard as that is we try to prevent it because its not good for her. You arent choosing the way you are referring to my situation carefully. like i had said before its negative. Another thing, why is it all of a sudden i need to refer to anger management classes because i am hurt over something? Thats irrational at its best. If thats the case then i need it now due to the discussion between us for you not speaking with a better vocabulary towards me.


You keep proving my point. This anger you have is destructive, and it's all over this thread.


----------



## Spadesrave

arbitrator said:


> Regardless of whatever the topic was that brought on the argument, if the argument itself succeeded in bringing on feelings of disassociation, then you absolutely couldn't pay me to sleep with my spouse. And I would fastly relegate myself to the living room couch or another bedroom until such time that we were able to ford some sense of normalcy between the two of us.
> 
> In that case, making up would have to be a two-way street with both of us individually taking responsiblity for our actions or lack thereof!


WE are normal for the most part. we get along great. it is just certain thigns that bring us to this. but i dont want to sleep alonei think i hurt more laying there alone because it is all i can think about how he isnt there with me. but i dont want to give in and be the one is accepting of the things he is caused to hurt me. jsut so i can feel it again. ugh!!


----------



## Spadesrave

A Bit Much said:


> You keep proving my point. This anger you have is destructive, and it's all over this thread.


You havent been reading anything you have posted have you? i want you to read again everything that you have posted to me and see if you see anything WRONG about it? Its negative and the way you are posting it is shameful. Because not only do you not know what you are talking about you are mking up senarios for yourself to help you along with what you dont know! dont post anymore if you are going to keep being immature and aside yourself.


----------



## A Bit Much

Spadesrave said:


> You havent been reading anything you have posted have you? i want you to read again everything that you have posted to me and see if you see anything WRONG about it? Its negative and the way you are posting it is shameful. Because not only do you not know what you are talking about you are mking up senarios for yourself to help you along with what you dont know! dont post anymore if you are going to keep being immature and aside yourself.


If nothing I've said today to you has been helpful, you're welcome to discard it and move on. 

And I've been reading. You come across as a very angry, bitter person. I hope you can find some peace with your issues with your husband, but like others have pointed out, you need to do the changing in order to make it happen.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Spadesrave said:


> i rejected him for the lingerie issue. instead of being hurt that way again i just decide against it. i am here to get advice for ME! thats what i posted. i dont punish him for that event. i am just protecting myself from humiliation.


You have been given plenty of advice, but don't seem to like much of it.

You take one rejection and are unwilling to let it go ever. This seems consistent with your issue of not letting go to allow your husband to sleep in the same bed. You seem to hold on to your hurts (perhaps unintentionally) and even feed them. That has the potential to be a huge problem for you down the road.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

Spadesrave said:


> WE are normal for the most part. we get along great. it is just certain thigns that bring us to this. but i dont want to sleep alonei think i hurt more laying there alone because it is all i can think about how he isnt there with me. *but i dont want to give in and be the one is accepting of the things he is caused to hurt me.* jsut so i can feel it again. ugh!!


A couple of questions:

1. How important is it for you to be right?

2. Have you ever had a fight where you were wrong? If so, did you admit it to him?


----------



## Spadesrave

A Bit Much said:


> If nothing I've said today to you has been helpful, you're welcome to discard it and move on.
> 
> And I've been reading. You come across as a very angry, bitter person. I hope you can find some peace with your issues with your husband, but like others have pointed out, you need to do the changing in order to make it happen.


I am not very angry, but i will tell you what is making me angry about this like i have said before you do not know how to talk to someone. Or choose your vocabulary appropriately. Obviously nothing you have said has been helpful if you havent noticed (sense youve said youve been reading) i havent liked anyhting that you have said because you are choosing things for your own gain. I need certain changes in my life granted, yes. but you might have been a little more helpful if you thought more before you wrote. have a good one.


----------



## Spadesrave

Tall Average Guy said:


> You have been given plenty of advice, but don't seem to like much of it.
> 
> You take one rejection and are unwilling to let it go ever. This seems consistent with your issue of not letting go to allow your husband to sleep in the same bed. You seem to hold on to your hurts (perhaps unintentionally) and even feed them. That has the potential to be a huge problem for you down the road.


No i have forgivin it. But like i said i am NOT going to be humiliated again. 
Is there something wrong with that?
Should i become uncomfortable just to make someones fantasy come true? 
As i have posted several differnet times IT IS RARE for him to sleep on the couch. Although it shouldnt happen like i also said before i put the pillows on there and he did the rest to his choosing.I dont hold on to them forever just days at a time maybe or even jsut a day or sometimes hours it really just depends on how much it has hurt me. The huge problem i have in my future is being used more and more everyday.


----------



## Spadesrave

Tall Average Guy said:


> A couple of questions:
> 
> 1. How important is it for you to be right?
> 
> 2. Have you ever had a fight where you were wrong? If so, did you admit it to him?


He always tells me its not about who wrong or right, but i say its the principle. but really it comes down to it being right or not wether that is the intention.

and yes i always admit ALWAYS! because i dont want someone else to say hey your wrong when i can say it first and know that they cant invalidate me for that.


----------



## Spadesrave

Tall Average Guy said:


> A couple of questions:
> 
> 1. How important is it for you to be right?
> 
> 2. Have you ever had a fight where you were wrong? If so, did you admit it to him?


Oh and as far as the whole not like much of the advice, i have taken much of it. and only a few people have been completely negative. theres actually been alot of good advice that i appreciate but i am not going to be thankful to someone for being negative and trying to have personal gain in writing things that dont make any sense and are taken out of context.


----------



## GTdad

Spadesrave said:


> No i have forgivin it. But like i said i am NOT going to be humiliated again.
> Is there something wrong with that?


Yes. It's unreasonable. I could see being humiliated with repeated rejections over time, but shutting down after one instance?

What if your husband feels humiliated by being ordered to the couch? You say it's rare, but in your worldview once is enough. Would he be justified into moving into another bedroom and never returning to your bed, so as to avoid being humiliated like that again?

These are just symptoms of a larger problem. I don't know what your husband is like, but we've gotten a sampling of what you're like, and I'm not alone when I see it as being disfunctional, and NOT geared towards a lasting marriage.


----------



## A Bit Much

Spadesrave said:


> I am not very angry, but i will tell you what is making me angry about this like i have said before you do not know how to talk to someone. Or choose your vocabulary appropriately. Obviously nothing you have said has been helpful if you havent noticed (sense youve said youve been reading) i havent liked anyhting that you have said because *you are choosing things for your own gain*. I need certain changes in my life granted, yes. but you might have been a little more helpful if you thought more before you wrote. have a good one.


My own gain? Really?

You started this thread, not me. How about YOU have a good one. You need it more than I do.


----------



## Spadesrave

GTdad said:


> Yes. It's unreasonable. I could see being humiliated with repeated rejections over time, but shutting down after one instance?
> 
> What if your husband feels humiliated by being ordered to the couch? You say it's rare, but in your worldview once is enough. Would he be justified into moving into another bedroom and never returning to your bed, so as to avoid being humiliated like that again?
> 
> These are just symptoms of a larger problem. I don't know what your husband is like, but we've gotten a sampling of what you're like, and I'm not alone when I see it as being disfunctional, and NOT geared towards a lasting marriage.


 
I didnt order him to the couch. I put the pillows on there and he made the choice. thats not an order. It was something he wanted because he isnt the type you can push around. as far as you saying i am dysfunctional because i refuse to put on a piece of lingerie i think is a bit inappropriate, considering that you are judging me based off that. You dont know what a marriage has in store for it jsut because you think you do. thanks for your crystal ball analysis.


----------



## Spadesrave

A Bit Much said:


> My own gain? Really?
> 
> You started this thread, not me. How about YOU have a good one. You need it more than I do.


YEs your own gain.


I sure did and you definately didnt read it or what you posted so when you have the time like i said read it over again. I will have a good one knowing that you are jsut a stop in the coffee shop.!!


----------



## lamaga

Wow. Just wow.


----------



## Spadesrave

lamaga said:


> Wow. Just wow.


Im glad you are amazed at yourself.!


----------



## A Bit Much

Astounding.

Now I'm thinking troll. This all could be a very true and sad story, but the antagonism is giving something away.


----------



## lamaga

I'm not thinking troll, but you're right, the level of antipathy is very revealing.


----------



## Spadesrave

lamaga said:


> I'm not thinking troll, but you're right, the level of antipathy is very revealing.


The both of you have been NOTHING BUT NEGATIVE in this whole forum. and now your attacking me together again. thats how it works, if theres one, theres another because noone can fight alone. its a shame really. just nkow that while your living you always need to depend upon someone else to recieve that security.


----------



## GTdad

Spadesrave said:


> The both of you have been NOTHING BUT NEGATIVE in this whole forum. and now your attacking me together again. thats how it works, if theres one, theres another because noone can fight alone. its a shame really. just nkow that while your living you always need to depend upon someone else to recieve that security.


Because there's no way the two of them could agree without being guilty of trying to prop each other up in some unhealthy manner, and just wanting to bully you.

Good luck, ma'am. I'm out.


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## Prodigal

Spadesrave said:


> Im glad you are amazed at yourself.!


No, actually, she is saying "wow" to you. Here's the deal. Just don't respond to people you don't like. Block them. Ignore them. I have been on this board quite awhile, and I've been on several other boards, and I have never seen anyone argue like you.

Why bother if you don't agree with someone? To he!! with 'em. Jeesh! I really come on here with the hope that I can be fair to people and in some way help.

But this is, just, WOW. Holy smoke, I've seen pit bulls with less fight in them. You've made your point.

I'm done with this. God bless you, and best of luck resolving the issues you have with your husband.


----------



## Prodigal

lamaga said:


> I'm not thinking troll, but you're right, the level of antipathy is very revealing.


Amen, to that, sistah!


----------



## Lyris

I'm finding it really hard to understand your posts. You seem to be saying that you and your husband fight about the same thing a lot, and you indicate you want him to sleep on the couch by putting pillows there.

You also say you dressed in lingerie once (at his request?) and he wasn't interested, so you are never going to do that again.

You say your husband doesn't put you first and doesn't get involved in your family. That's really vague, what do you mean specifically?

You say you try to communicate, get frustrated because he doesn't agree with you/do what you want, so you get angry and yell/sulk for days.

You are also showing an unreasonable level of aggression towards A Bit Much. If that's how you respond when your husband disagrees with you, then it's easy to see how your conflicts escalate.

You asked for advice and opinions, here are mine;

You are behaving in very passive aggressive ways by leaving pillows on the couch and refusing to consider lingerie again.

It is never okay to yell at your husband in front of yor child. I don't care what he's done or hasn't done.

You sound aggressive, angry, inflexible and sure you're in the right in your posts. If that's not how you are, you need to work on your communication skills.

You need counseling with or without your husband to learn how to communicate more effectively and have reasonable expectations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel

Spadesrave said:


> Ive been the one to sleep on the couhc a few times because he refused to me. If i put the pillows on the couhc and he doesnt sleep there i cant force him to. Really hes not even fighting. This is rare in our house. But i am just expressing that i am sick of certain things and if it doesnt change im going to turn the back room into my bedroom. I am not going to be left alone constantly, be lied to, then be used for his purposes. I feel worthless. I dont feel as if i am winning anything, it just makes me feel better knowing that i dont have to give into him.


It sounds like the two of you need less talk and a lot more action. Instead of trying to talk about what you will and won't accept, how does your behavior show it otherwise? By the time one of you is sleeping on the sofa, there has already been a violation of boundaries in some way. 

You say he leaves you alone and lies. Are you really saying that he's having affairs and you are continuing to tolerate it? Sleeping apart isn't going to change the situation if he's getting nookie from someone else. It'll just make her more attractive to him.


----------



## rks1

A Bit Much said:


> Astounding.
> 
> Now I'm thinking troll. This all could be a very true and sad story, but the antagonism is giving something away.


Actually, I think you are the one who is needlessly provoking the OP, because you know that all your pointed comments will get a reaction out of her. There is no need to continue to agitate her. Just move on if you feel you cannot help her.


----------



## Jellybeans

A Bit Much said:


> You keep proving my point. This anger you have is destructive, and it's all over this thread.


I agree 100%
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

lamaga said:


> I'm not thinking troll, but you're right, the level of antipathy is very revealing.


I started thinking that on about page 3 of this thread. Its funny when someone asks for advice and then starts lashing out and finding fault with every single poster's advice. Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster

Like I said in my post yesterday, I am in the same situation as the op...I also agree with most of the posts here. Sleeping in different rooms is a problem no matter what. For my wife and I, (like the OP) we have so many unresolved issues. I am a little passive aggressive myself and my wife is the same. The only thing we agree on is not to fight in front of our daughter. We are both so passive we don't argue very much so we never talk about how we feel.

Sleeping seperaely is not the problem, we have so many fundamental differences in our marriage and even after 20 years, it hasn't changed. We are ( as another post stated) are in a "pre-separation" phase. MC will be just a band-aid and would be a temporary solution.Sleeping in different rooms is the best way to keep the peace.

I know I am angry. I know I am sad. I know I am lonily. There is so much that is missing in my marriage. 

For a forum like this, most here have very good advise. It has helped me a lot. At the same time, I has opened my eyes to the behavior of my wife and I am even more angry because of TAM.

Until we walk in the shoes of the OP or we hear the other side of the story, there is no right answer. We don't have all the information.

It hurts me to sleep in the other room. I don't know what else to do to get her attention, so I am just "acting out" I know it's childish on my part. I bet I can have an affair and she would not react in any way. I am married to valium.


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## Jellybeans

Already Gone said:


> Until we walk in the shoes of the OP or we hear the other side of the story, there is no right answer. We don't have all the information.


The people of TAM can only give advice/offer feedback on what is told to us. So if someone doesn't "give all the facts" then that is on them/their problem. We are not mindreaders. And once again, if an OP comes on here acting defensive and takes issue with every. single. thing posted to them, then they prob shouldn't post anyway.


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## Safe

My ex slept in another bedroom after he pushed me down the stairs (not the first time it's happened). When my son and I moved out, he's remained sleeping in the spare room. Why would he do this?


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## maryfmly7

Every time my husband and I fight , He carry his blanket and go sleep out on the couch . Ignoring me , dont answer text message or phone calls . I been married for 30 years . im sick and tired of this.


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## maryfmly7

I have the same problem but my husband he just sleeps on the couch . I never left my bed . but he ignors me my texts and phone calls . Honestly I feel he knows hes guilty but dont know how to solve the prolem or wants me to kiss his behind and beg him to sleep back in his bed.but i dont do that . He runs and run.. If I ask him to bring some grocery or anything he will .I need to know what hes thinking .Is he punching me? or Is this the way to deal with his problem .HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP


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