# When change comes too late.



## SLRLeann (Jun 5, 2011)

I have another post awhile back called stuck in marriage ambilivance regarding my detailed story. Married like 18yrs and spent the first 15 with severe emotional and verbal abuse (called f'ing Bit#$, worthless piece of sh$& etc etc) begging him to change, begging to get help etc etc. Then become indifferent and was walking out the door and of course it's THEN that he cries i love you please please please i'll get help i'll change don't crush me ..etc etc.
he went to counseling, got soooo much better and i stayed. I got caught up in this "honeymoon" period they call it. Of course it wasn't long before he wasn't so nice anymore. Nothing like he use to be never ever curses me out now but is still an angry person and snaps at us for petty things. Over the last few years we fight about this issue all the time. I'm too sensitive, I'm trying to pick a fight etc etc.

I've recently started seeing another therapist for codependency. I've been 200% codependent my whole life. My so called "dysfunctional" childhood left me with emotional scars i'm overcoming. Parents putting your nose in your urine for bedwetting. at age 7ish mom caught me masturbating in my bed so she stripped all my clothing off and pulled me into the living room and had all my siblings sit around me while she made me repeat what she'd caught me doing. So many stories but you get the picture.

We just peaked again. This emotional dance rollercoaster where I'm done and NOW he suddenly "see's the light". We'd just been having a very heated argument about this. I say it's not right and I'm done. I'm setting healthy boundaries and this isn't going to happen anymore. Him saying I'm being selfish and only thinking of myself and how dare i tear our family apart because I'm expecting perfection. He says but I love you so much doesn't that matter?

During this argument I brought up his parents. They've been married nearly 50yrs. His dad would die for his mom. His world revolves around her and he loves her very much. Yet he treats her like crap. He will hollar at her or smart off to her when she's wrong. I told my husband, do you see that? Do you think he treats her well? He just stopped and said "i guess not". from then on he's been once again jolly mr nice guy. I had already told him I was miserable in the marriage and was only here because i didn't have the balls to leave. I'm going to CoDA meetings weekly and seeing my therapist told him I"m working on "me" not "us" don't wanna work on us. I'm getting healthy and told him i wasn't capable of a healthy relationship right no I've never known a healthy relationship. Love has always meant I hurt you.
So.....I think he's gauging his progress on my feelings towards him which isnt' going to work. It's not like I'm going to say "your such a wonderful man for not abusing me!". For him to be polite a treat me like a seperate human respecting me and my views, opinions and decisions is not something that is going to make me attracted to him. I don't love him. I don't even like him. I think he's mistaking my friendly conversations about things in life as my opening up to him and it's not. I honestly don't think I will ever feel emotionally safe with him again. There has just been too much damage done. I don't know how many chances he feels he should have gotten. I think he's changing in hopes of keeping me. I think if i were to walk out of this marriage he'd loose it and be abusive again. Yelling name calling etc which means he's not truely seeing is wrong and changing. He should change because HE feels his behavior is wrong not because he wants me to stay. He should change to set a better role model for our son who has already started trying to order me to do things for him and acting out verbally when he doesn't get his way. 

I'm not sure what to do. My brain says just stay for now. Continue my therapy and codependent anonymous meetings and work on being a better stronger me. Quit trying to fix and change him and others and worry about my own self. He got a little upset this morning when he wanted sex and I had already told him the other day that I don't mind having sex at all. but don't expect me to be intimate or feel anything towards you. We had sex then he wants to "snuggle" and "hold" me afterwards which is something he never ever does. I got up. I'm worried I'm going to start feeling pressure from him to give him some indication I'm at least considering he can change and it's just not there. I refuse to feel guilty. I didn't do this. I'm at fault for enabling him only. I'm not the one that pushed myself out the door. 

I can honestly say if he were to walk out, have an affair with someone else, whatever.....I'm fine with it. Anyone who's been in an abusive relationship knows what it feels like to feel stuck and wish your mate would screw around or die to "let you off the hook" and not be the bad guy for leaving. But for me to look at him right now and say I'm glad your changing but it's too late for me will turn his world upside down again and hurt him terribly. My worrying about what he thinks is the codependency in me I suppose. dunnno.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So I see what you're doing to try to change, but what is he doing? Is he still in counseling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SLRLeann (Jun 5, 2011)

Oh no. When i was going to leave a few years ago and he agreed to counseling we went. We were done within about 4 months and he's not been back. I don't think a counselor is what was needed. Therapy is needed not counseling. He's been saying up till the other day that he changed and i'm just raising the bar on him and being selfish etc etc. Then the other day his "light bulb" comes on and like i said he agreed that he still treats us like pooh. I told him I thought it would be a good idea for him to see his own therapist to get behind his anger and why he behaves that way and all. Said the chances of his change being permanent would be much better if he did.
He feels it's not a big deal, he'll just quit snapping at us. He seems to feel it's just that easy. I think what this will do is he'll be "surpressing" his instinct to lash out and be holding it back untill he feels justified once again. (blaming others for upsetting him)
I've read about 8 books in the last month on codependency and abuse. I have been educated on how these cycles work, and all. And based on this, what he's currently doing is not going to "fix" him long term. He needs just as much therapy and recovery from his ways as I do for my codependency. 

If he does succeed in changing be it through therapy or not, that doesn't change the fact that I don't love him and will probably never be able to open up to him emotionally again. I've had 18yrears of emotional and verbal abuse with him lashing out at me for things I do. It'll probably take years to get over and heal from. And as long as I'm still healing from it, there isn't any way i'm opening myself to him again.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

So, what exactly do you want advice on. Seems like you have it all figured out. He, most likely, will never change. Unless, his heart is changed. That is really only done through an internal relationship with God. However, I would contend that you have a "closed spirit", and you have allowed resentment to block your emotions. Love is a verb. It's not something that just "happens" to you. Good luck finding what you are looking for.
Your marriage condition is due to a cycle of anger and resentment between the both of you. These things are RARELY the fault of one of the spouses. There is equal contribution from both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Therapist, counselor, some sort of professional assistance... But if he's not wanting to change, the odds of him changing are pretty slim no matter what.

So you didn't have a specific question then?

C


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## SLRLeann (Jun 5, 2011)

No, no specific question. I suppose I"m wondering if anyone else has gone through this and how things worked out for them. Things may have been different if we'd ever had a good marriage or some good foundation we started on. But we both brought dysfunction in and I'm overcoming mine.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

I brought dysfunction also to mine as did my wife. Through sincere commitment to becoming a better man, I am getting there. So is my wife. It does happen.
There is a strict regimen for a man to go through to change. It is hard and full of humility._Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SLRLeann (Jun 5, 2011)

I think he's fooling himself in thinking he can "just stop". Seriously??!! If it were that easy you'd think he'd of "stopped" during one of our thousands of arguments that happen at least 4 days a week. same ol same ol. Me saying he's being mean, yelling or just rude and him saying i'm too sensitive or he justifies his behavior with something one of us has done. (ie: If i hadn't of dropped the phone, the battery case wouldn't have broken thus he wouldn't have gotten angry and yelled "what the he!! are you doing!! Or when it's 3:00 in the morning and I'm not asleep due to his plmd and snoring so i quietly get up to go sleep in the guest room and he hears me and says "what the [email protected] am I doing now!!??). He REALLY thinks he can just "stop"?:scratchhead:

I suppose it doesn't matter. I know it sounds mean but there is just nothing there. I can't ever remember feeling in love with him since i've battled this for 18years. it's just not been as bad the last few. It's like a smoker who started when they were young and immediately got hooked. Week after week saying i wanna quit and sometimes trying. Months go by then years. Then your 60yrs old and can't believe you've "wanted" to quit the whole time. I've wanted out the whole time. 

The fact that i'm here due to knowing what will happen if i leave tells me i'm too emeshed with him right now. I still feel responsible for how he acts/reacts I guess. dunno. he told me not too long ago that if i left him he "wasn't going to take it laying down" no idea what that meant.


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