# Opinions - My Wife's Bahavior



## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

Hello all - I would like to discuss something that occurred when I was dating my wife (before we were married, obviously), and has recently began again. Like everyone on here says, this could be long, but I will try to shorten it as much as possible. My apologies in advance.

My wife and I met in September of 2013 and began dating a month or so after that. I had been divorced from my previous wife for almost a year, and my current wife had only been divorced from her ex a few months, but separated over a year as well.

Things were going great for the first 3 or 4 months, although I always noticed she was quite protective and attached to her phone, and extremely secretive about email, passwords, her whereabouts (she would disappear for hours without returning a text or phone call), etc... when I say that she was very protective of her phone, I mean she had a passcode on it, would take it EVERYWHERE with her (bathroom, shower, closet when changing, everywhere), put the phone face down if I walked into a room and she was on it. She would not let it out of her sight. When I would ask her about her secrecy, she would respond that 1) she is a very private person and doesn't like anyone checking up on her or knowing her passwords, 2) her ex husband was VERY jealous of her and would spy on her and follow her around, and she was not going to live like that anymore. She would then turn it on me and ask me why I was suspicious of her, and that she lived like that before and wouldn't do it again.

I thought about what she said, and on some levels it made sense. Also, we had only recently started dating, so I didn't feel I had any right to know all of the details of her day so I chose to respect her privacy. I definitely didn't want to come across as needy and overbearing, so I accepted her reasons and moved on, hoping things would get better and she would open up the longer we dated.

Then things began to really change, she became distant from me. I would come over to see her after work and she would not greet me at the door, give me a hug, kiss - no affection whatsoever. I would ask her why she was pulling back her affection, and she would say that sometimes she just doesn't feel affectionate and that I just have to deal with that. She said this was a result of some abuse she suffered when she was a child. OK, I get that too, and I can definitely understand how abuse could do that to a person. Sometimes I don't feel like hugs and kisses, but to me, I was getting a much more serious vibe than that.

The affection began slowly going away, to the point where she was actively pushing me away. I began suspecting something was up with her ex (they have kids together, so they are in constant contact). By this point, I had learned her passcode and every once in a while, I could get her phone and sneak a peak. Often times, I would see messages from her ex where he was asking her back, asking if they could reconcile, him saying he still loved her, her, etc... I didn't see much of her wanting him back, but I did see where she would contemplate reconciling with him 'for the kids.' I gave her the benefit of the doubt, as she seemed to be handling it, but I couldn't help but worry.

One day she told me she was going to meet her ex to get child support at around 10:00am and that she was then going to meet a friend for lunch. She let me know when she was there to meeting him, and then I didn't hear from her for almost 4 hours. When I asked her how her meeting with him went, and how lunch with her friend was, she told me she simply got the check from him and then met her friend. Something didn't seem right about her story (there were other details but I'm leaving them out for length), so I checked her phone later that night, and saw a conversation with him where she was telling him how nice it was to see him, how nice it was to reconnect with him, and that she missed the days when they used to have fun like that. At that point, I 'assumed' she actually had lunch with him and not a friend, but I don't know for sure. Not wanting her to know I had access to her phone, I acted like nothing was wrong for a few more days, and over those days, I saw indications of them wanting to get back together. I couldn't believe it. Anytime she would talk about him to me, he was always the abusive narcissist a-hole and she was nauseous just thinking about him. However, I saw a different story in her texts.

Not really wanting to believe what I was seeing, and wanting to get more evidence, I didn't call her out on it, which didn't matter, because the day before my birthday, she informed me I was no longer welcome at her house and that she was getting back together with her ex.

Fast forward two months, and apparently things were not going well with her and her ex, and she was looking to kick him out. She began texting me, asking me back, telling me how sorry she was for hurting me and that she knew what a big mistake she made. At first, I was extremely reluctant to even talk to her, but eventually I gave in.

I asked her why she would move back in with her ex when she would continually tell me how much she hated him. She told me she had to do it for her kids. She said her kids were hurting so bad that she had to give it a try. She said that she realized being back there was worse for them, and that she was ready to leave again. I could sympathize with this, as I have children and stayed with my ex wife for far longer than I should have and even considered reconciling (for the kids) after I left her.

It took some time, but eventually she and I got back together, and things were good for a while (there were some hickups along the way, but I will leave those details out for now). Eventually, she was much more open with her phone, opened up with her passwords, websites, whereabouts, etc... Things were good.

Now a few years later, and after being married a few months, I am beginning to get that gut feeling that things are beginning to change again. She has now upgraded to the newest iPhone 6, which she made a very big deal about having because it has the fingerprint access on it. She now has it double locked down with the fingerprint and a passcode after that. Also, she has begun acting odd with our bank account, stashing quite a bit away in her own personal account that she still has from when she and I were not married. And sometimes, she disappears for an hour or so without any indication of where she is, which is not typical since we have been back together (she is usually very responsive to texts and phone calls).

At this point, I think I might be over reacting, but given our history, I can't help but wonder sometimes.

I believe my feelings right now are my own personal insecurities, due to my past, due to what happened between she and I, and due to some things she's told me about her past.

Any ideas on how to push what are most likely irrational thoughts out of my head before they cause problems?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are the problem. You were her plan B before and you are now. Your life is what she's making it because you are a beta doormat husband.

You are burying your head in the sand because you don't want the truth. Unless you can man up and take control of your life this is about what you can expect long term. Until she dumps you again. That's why she's getting cash stored up.

Tell her to unlock her phone and let you see it. Better yet down load her data so you can get the full story. 

I suspect you're afraid to though. Right?

You need to understand one thing. Your life is what you will make it. Help isn't coming.

I do hope you can turn this around because no one else will.

Good luck


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Trust your gut. Investigate to get the truth. Don't tell her you're investigating, and don't reveal your sources if you find anything.

Hopefully there is an explanation other than she's getting ready to leave.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

What is with this secrecy between spouses. You should have each other's passwords. She's definitely still into her ex. When a woman pulls back the affection, many times it is due to her wanting to be faithful to her man. In this case that would be her ex. 

If you've only been together a short time and have no kids, I would cut your losses and file. Why put up with such disrespect when you can cut her out of your life. Endure the short term pain of her loss, with the long term benefit of eventually meeting a woman that will love and respect you.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
She is not ready for a mature relationship. She tires and bores easily in a few years and needs to get the excitement back just as a child moves from one toy to another. From her ex to you, back to her ex then back to you and now ???. She is seeking what mature individuals find inside themselves but she has not learned that yet so she looks outside for it. Ask yourself what she is being so private about? What can she be doing that her own H could not see? Can you think of anything good? There is no good that needs be hidden from your life partner.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hello, breathedeep. 

Married young? Letting her lead and giving her space to do what she wants, when you know it's not right, isn't a way to start off and never a way to live in a relationship. Personal boundaries can protect you and ensure a true relationship. Don't compromise yours for someone who doesn't have any. 

I don't usually recommend the first one, but you need to be exposed to a lot of the ideas in both of these books. Don't let the titles put you off. Read them and the sticky thread in the men's section. You'll quickly see things a lot differently. 

The Married Man Sex Life Primer

No More Mr Nice Guy

Best


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Breathe,

You might want to focus solely on how she treats you. How engaged. How affectionate. How sexual. 

She's either 'into you' or she isn't. If she isn't, you really ought to address that directly. If she IS then you should be ok.

As far as money goes, you don't explain how you two manage finances so it is hard to know if she is behaving in an unfair manner by putting money in an account that is solely hers. 

There are a lot of red flags. But no offense, the biggest red flag is that you seem to place more weight on how she treats her phone, than on how she treats you. 

If I had to guess, she just isn't that into you. 





breathedeep said:


> Hello all - I would like to discuss something that occurred when I was dating my wife (before we were married, obviously), and has recently began again. Like everyone on here says, this could be long, but I will try to shorten it as much as possible. My apologies in advance.
> 
> My wife and I met in September of 2013 and began dating a month or so after that. I had been divorced from my previous wife for almost a year, and my current wife had only been divorced from her ex a few months, but separated over a year as well.
> 
> ...


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Hire a PI ASAP


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's cheating.

Just divorce already.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> You are the problem. You were her plan B before and you are now. Your life is what she's making it because you are a beta doormat husband.
> 
> You are burying your head in the sand because you don't want the truth. Unless you can man up and take control of your life this is about what you can expect long term. Until she dumps you again. That's why she's getting cash stored up.
> 
> ...


I suspect you are probably correct. I have always been a people pleaser, which extends even further when it comes to my spouse.

It's not that I am afraid to ask about her phone, its that I already have and she gets pissed and asks me why I am so suspicious of her. Now she says she does it because she doesn't want the kids getting into it.

I probably should have titled this thread 'Opinions - My Behavior'.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

Thor said:


> Trust your gut. Investigate to get the truth. Don't tell her you're investigating, and don't reveal your sources if you find anything.
> 
> Hopefully there is an explanation other than she's getting ready to leave.


Last time she was getting ready to leave. This time I truly believe it is something else.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

jsmart said:


> What is with this secrecy between spouses. You should have each other's passwords. She's definitely still into her ex. When a woman pulls back the affection, many times it is due to her wanting to be faithful to her man. In this case that would be her ex.
> 
> If you've only been together a short time and have no kids, I would cut your losses and file. Why put up with such disrespect when you can cut her out of your life. Endure the short term pain of her loss, with the long term benefit of eventually meeting a woman that will love and respect you.


She has all of my passwords. I wanted to be completely open with her so I gave them all to her. There is no reciprocation on her part.

Her ex is remarried as well. She takes him to court often. I do not think it is her ex this time.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> She is not ready for a mature relationship. She tires and bores easily in a few years and needs to get the excitement back just as a child moves from one toy to another. From her ex to you, back to her ex then back to you and now ???. She is seeking what mature individuals find inside themselves but she has not learned that yet so she looks outside for it. Ask yourself what she is being so private about? What can she be doing that her own H could not see? Can you think of anything good? There is no good that needs be hidden from your life partner.


I think you are close to the truth as well. She does bore easily and I do get the feeling she is looking for that excitement we had when we were first together. She has recently been sending me lots of articles on keeping the marriage interesting, alive, etc... she sent me this one today.

How To Cultivate Your Darker Sexual Energy -

Anchorwatch - my first wife and I were married when I was 21. My current wife and I Married when I was 36. I'll definitely take a look at the books you recommended.

Mem - Most of the time she treats me as if I am irritating her. I asked her about this today and she said I was reading her wrong. I guess its possible. Lately she has been much more affectionate and 'needy'. We are also having sex a little more than we had been recently. I think this is just because we are both trying to not let things get stale so soon.

Thound and Gus - I still don't think it's gotten to that but she is definitely giving indications that she is losing interest. I know this is partly my fault and we are working on this. She has been saying things like, "I feel alone", or "I miss you" even though we spend practically all day together (we work together).


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

She is a lying cheat. A lying cheat-uh cant change its spots. Its going to outrun you and bite you .., its usually just a matter of time.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I think the first thing you better do is get your own bank account and take half of what's in the joint account and put it in your own before you wake up one morning and she cleans you out and put your paycheck in your personal account

Second thing is this. Take the bull by the horns and let her know her behavior stinks and she either can start acting like a wife which I doubt will happen or your moving on and honestly if it was me I would. 

She has a selfish streak in her a yard wide and a mile long. She thinks of her needs first and everything else including you second or where ever. 

You beating your head against the wall with her. She wanted you back and she's doing the same thing again and I would think that you already went down that road with her once before and she threw you out so why wait for it to happen again? Move on.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I'm not sure how to best respond to this, friend

This scenario is one of the more common themes on this site. The problem is that with all the combined wisdom here, it never really resonates with the asker until they have a eureka moment of thier own and start seeing the wisdom everyone else went through and learned also. 

The truth is that people treat us they way we let them. I get that our minds try so desperately to come to some sore of justification on why this is happening, and we so desperately wish to believe the best. And we go round and round on the hamster wheel coming up with any justification that we can believe. To make it less than reality. Something we can cope with. 

In the real world, some people are just not nice people. They will use you as a plan b because to them, that's their safety point. Unfortunately, that sucks for you. 

If you read any books, please start with "no more mr nice guy". You'd be surprised how common your reactions are. 

After that, well....id go nuclear. But that's me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Breathe,
You are not reading her incorrectly. If she SEEMS frequently irritated with you, she IS frequently irritated with you. 

How often do you have sex? 

By the way - it's a positive sign she sent you that link. Read it. 

My guess is you are way too soft/gentle in bed. 

You can have some edge, and still be kind. There's an art to it. It's worth learning....




breathedeep said:


> I think you are close to the truth as well. She does bore easily and I do get the feeling she is looking for that excitement we had when we were first together. She has recently been sending me lots of articles on keeping the marriage interesting, alive, etc... she sent me this one today.
> 
> How To Cultivate Your Darker Sexual Energy -
> 
> ...


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah

What mem said. Do that first. Before nuclear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> Breathe,
> You are not reading her incorrectly. If she SEEMS frequently irritated with you, she IS frequently irritated with you.
> 
> How often do you have sex?
> ...


I really get the vibe that she is irritated with me often, but anytime I ask, she denies it.

We have sex 3 - 4 times a week. She has often said that she wishes I would manhandle her more. I know this is what she wants sometimes, but in the past when I've tried it, she has gotten upset and said that the timing was off and that time she happened to want it nice and sweet. I recognize this is a shortcoming of mine in the relationship because I am not adequately providing what she wants. You are right, there is definitely an art to it. Unfortunately I have never really been that 'manhandle' kind of guy. Guess I need to learn, and quick.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

It's not only worth learning the darker side in bed and being gentle too. It's fkn awesome!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

breathedeep said:


> I really get the vibe that she is irritated with me often, but anytime I ask, she denies it.
> 
> We have sex 3 - 4 times a week. She has often said that she wishes I would manhandle her more. I know this is what she wants sometimes, but in the past when I've tried it, she has gotten upset and said that the timing was off and that time she happened to want it nice and sweet. I recognize this is a shortcoming of mine in the relationship because I am not adequately providing what she wants. You are right, there is definitely an art to it. Unfortunately I have never really been that 'manhandle' kind of guy. Guess I need to learn, and quick.


Friend

Take what yours!!!! 

Sounds worse than it is. But it will be fun for both of you if that's what she wants
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

alphaomega said:


> I'm not sure how to best respond to this, friend
> 
> *This scenario is one of the more common themes on this site. The problem is that with all the combined wisdom here, it never really resonates with the asker until they have a eureka moment of thier own and start seeing the wisdom everyone else went through and learned also.
> 
> ...


I have an open mind and hope to learn about my role in this situation as well. I am not so blind as to think this is all her fault.

I read quite a bit and plan on picking up the book you recommend as I've seen it mentioned several times here.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

breathedeep said:


> I have an open mind and hope to learn about my role in this situation as well. I am not so blind as to think this is all her fault.
> 
> I read quite a bit and plan on picking up the book you recommend as I've seen it mentioned several times here.


I think you will do just fine. 

Be a little more selfish. Less pleasing. Get some alpha male on. It's really not that hard.

Drink some wine. Then get it on. pull some hair. Talk nasty. Ask her how she likes that hard **** in her. Flip her over. Then do it some more! Make her scream multiple times. Be selfish. Just not hurtful. 

Sorry. That sounded like a penthouse letter. My apologies, ladies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

As an aside. 

I worked with a girlfriend once. She also lived with me. Every single day. 24 hours. Together. 

Some people can do it. Some can't. 

The problem is with being together 24 hours a day, things get "old"fast. Things become common. And less exciting. That may not be reality. But it happens. 

How often do you go out and do "you" things? Just you. Not together?

Maybe you need some of that. Go take a martial arts course. Or weight lifting. (To some, weight lifting sounds "boring", but man!!!! After four or five months you really do start to get cut and then you get excited about it.). You may need some "just you" time. Get some "intrigue" into your life. 
Something that forces you to "tell" your wife about, because she already knows the rest. Since you work together all day, that is. 

I took MMA. Crazy for an old fk like me. But it's "mine", regardless of how much these young punks kick the shat out of me every two days. . 

Get something that's just yours. At the very least, or should I say the most...your improving yourself in the process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Go find a book on how to be more dominant / aggressive in bed. 




breathedeep said:


> I really get the vibe that she is irritated with me often, but anytime I ask, she denies it.
> 
> We have sex 3 - 4 times a week. She has often said that she wishes I would manhandle her more. I know this is what she wants sometimes, but in the past when I've tried it, she has gotten upset and said that the timing was off and that time she happened to want it nice and sweet. I recognize this is a shortcoming of mine in the relationship because I am not adequately providing what she wants. You are right, there is definitely an art to it. Unfortunately I have never really been that 'manhandle' kind of guy. Guess I need to learn, and quick.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Keep a little log of whe she seems irritated. There's a pattern. Find it. That's usually a fixable issue. 




breathedeep said:


> I really get the vibe that she is irritated with me often, but anytime I ask, she denies it.
> 
> We have sex 3 - 4 times a week. She has often said that she wishes I would manhandle her more. I know this is what she wants sometimes, but in the past when I've tried it, she has gotten upset and said that the timing was off and that time she happened to want it nice and sweet. I recognize this is a shortcoming of mine in the relationship because I am not adequately providing what she wants. You are right, there is definitely an art to it. Unfortunately I have never really been that 'manhandle' kind of guy. Guess I need to learn, and quick.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah. What Mem said. Do that first. Before nuclear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

breathedeep said:


> I really get the vibe that she is irritated with me often, but anytime I ask, she denies it.
> 
> We have sex 3 - 4 times a week. She has often said that she wishes I would manhandle her more. I know this is what she wants sometimes, but in the past when I've tried it, she has gotten upset and said that the timing was off and that time she happened to want it nice and sweet. I recognize this is a shortcoming of mine in the relationship because I am not adequately providing what she wants. You are right, there is definitely an art to it. Unfortunately I have never really been that 'manhandle' kind of guy. Guess I need to learn, and quick.


No you don't, and if you try to play the stud who takes women as he pleases when you don't enjoy that role, it will be the worse for you and your wife. 

Something I really don't like here. Your wife wants you to play that role but only the way she wants it. Her fantasy is skewing your sex life.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

alphaomega said:


> As an aside.
> 
> I worked with a girlfriend once. She also lived with me. Every single day. 24 hours. Together.
> 
> ...


She and I have been working together for two years now. I didn’t want to work together in the first place because I knew what problems that could lead to, but she needed a job, she knew I had one open, and she would have been very hurt if I hadn’t given it to her.

I am searching for a solution to this as I do not think she and I should be working together anymore.



> How often do you go out and do "you" things? Just you. Not together?


Very rarely. She likes to talk about how she wants me to go out and do things without her, or us do separate things occasionally, but when I do suggest it, she gets upset and asks questions like, “Why are you avoiding me?” Sounds ridiculous, I know, but I have texts from at least two incidents this week I could post that demonstrate this behavior.



> Maybe you need some of that. Go take a martial arts course. Or weight lifting. (To some, weight lifting sounds "boring", but man!!!! After four or five months you really do start to get cut and then you get excited about it.). You may need some "just you" time. Get some "intrigue" into your life.
> Something that forces you to "tell" your wife about, because she already knows the rest. Since you work together all day, that is.


I exercise and lift every day, or as often as one can while running a company, being married, and essentially being a father of four (my two plus her two).

She and I do crossfit three times a week.



> I took MMA. Crazy for an old fk like me. But it's "mine", regardless of how much these young punks kick the shat out of me every two days. .


I played amateur baseball after college up until last year. It started getting in the way of my family priorities so I had to let it go, but I would LOVE to get back into that.



MEM11363 said:


> Go find a book on how to be more dominant / aggressive in bed.


I bought No More Mr. Nice Guy last night and will begin reading that today. Once I finish it, I’ll find a book on being more dominant in bed. Any suggestions?



MEM11363 said:


> Keep a little log of whe she seems irritated. There's a pattern. Find it. That's usually a fixable issue.


I was actually going to do this, as well as a journal of our arguments (of which we have many and often). Was thinking about posting it here on TAM. What do you think of that idea? I think it might help me when others could see somewhat in real time what is going on, and maybe point out some things I could do differently in certain situations.



PreRaphaelite said:


> No you don't, and if you try to play the stud who takes women as he pleases when you don't enjoy that role, it will be the worse for you and your wife.
> 
> Something I really don't like here. Your wife wants you to play that role but only the way she wants it. Her fantasy is skewing your sex life.


This is EXACTLY what worries me about this. I struggle with this because I read and hear things like, “If your wife wants X, Y, and Z, you need to provide it for her or she is going to look elsewhere for it.” I want to make my wife happy. I want to change my behavior so that she is satisfied and happy in our marriage. The problem is I would then not be very happy with myself because I would be acting like someone or something I am not. I could probably do this for a time or two, but not being my nature, I would likely fall back into the old me.


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