# Husband is Using me. How do I end this.



## CelestaM (Dec 28, 2011)

I have been married for 2 years and for the last 19 months my husband has not worked. At first this didn't bother me so much I made enough money to pay our bills and have a little extra. But after all this time I'm feeling very used. Like the only reason he stays with me is so he can sit on the couch and play his games and hange out with his friends and i just keep paying his way. I get home from work after putting in a 10 hour day and he is standing outside most days waiting on the keys to the car so he can go run around with his friends and use up all my gas. He comes to me and says oh my friend needs to borrow 10 or 20 $ and if i say i don't have it to loan he gets mad and most of the time it ends with him pushing me around. He lies to me about money and where he spends so that i don't know he is supporting his weed habit with my money. I try to explain the bills to him he doesn't want to hear it unless of course he is trying to add up the bills and see how much money should be left out of my paycheck. Every dime I had saved is gone. I cashed in my vacation at work this past year to bail him out of jail. He spends more time with his friends or palying games on PS3 then he ever spends with me we only talk if he is asking for money or trying to fiqure out how much i have spent on bills. We don't have sex. ( well we haven't had se in atleast 2 weeks now) For Thanksgiving I paid for his trip to visit his dad and he was gone for 1 1/2 weeks. and then i paid for his dad to visit here. Now in a few weeks he wants to go back to his dad's for 3 weeks. Im so confused and feel so used. I want to tell him once he gets to his dad's to just stay there and don't come back because I'm so lonely in this relationship I might as well be alone. How do I tell him I feel like he is just using me with out actually saying "You are using me". I want to say the right things to get my point across and let him know how much he has hurt me but I'm so afriad it's going to come out all wrong. I know it's wrong to Break up over the phone, But I fear for my safety if I tell him in person it's over. Plus he will never leave if he thinks I'm breaking it off, He will want me to move out so he can live in our house close to all his friends. and he will want me to pay all his bills. Please some one give me some good advice.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Get a lawyer find out what your rights are. Then present him with separation/divorce papers. If that doesn't speak loud and clear to him I'm not sure what will.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You say, You cannot use me anymore. You have a month to start contributing or you can get out and I will file for divorce.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Firstly, get a new bank account. Start diverting money. 

You really do need to just tell him. If you are worried, then have someone else there when you tell him that the free ride is over. Relatives, friends, anyone.

Offer to pay for half the bills only. Is there a reason why he isn't working? How quickly can he get a job? Put half of your cheques away in your new account. 

Cut him off. Now.


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## CelestaM (Dec 28, 2011)

If It was just that easy. I told him a few months ago to get out and he destoryed just about everything in our house. I called the cops and they told me they couldn't do anything about it cause it's his house too and they couldn't arrest him for him breaking things in his own house. and i had no marks or burises so there was no proof that he pushed me around. Things are not that simple with his man. I am going to wait till he is 900 miles away. to tell him. But should you just say it just like that You are using me and I'm done ? I mean it seems so cold. I'm not good at being mean to him.


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## CelestaM (Dec 28, 2011)

he has a felony on his record now and claims he can't find work because of that.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

If he is violent, just divert your money and leave when he isn't around. It's not worth it. Walk away while he is gone. Sell everything in the house.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

CelestaM said:


> he has a felony on his record now and claims he can't find work because of that.



He has felonies, and he went ballistic and tore things up in your home because you told him how you felt before. 

And you remain with him, why? You can get a restraining order.


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## CelestaM (Dec 28, 2011)

I restraining order is only as good as your local police dept is. He would walk right through a restraining order that means nothing to him at all.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Is the house in both your names, or does he just live there? 

Save up some money and leave. If you are afraid of him, then get a restraining order against him.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

CelestaM said:


> I restraining order is only as good as your local police dept is. He would walk right through a restraining order that means nothing to him at all.


Then you're SOL aren't you?

Do you or do you not want away from this man and the marriage? If so, you will find a way. 

Money or no money
Felony or no felony
violent or not violent
restraining order or no restraining order

You will find away if you want out.


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## CelestaM (Dec 28, 2011)

In all honesty I guess I'm not afraid of him, I will not back down from him, if he pushes me I get right back up I guess I think he won't hurt me he is just trying to scare me. I know the relationship needs to be over. I just want to explain it to him so he understands why. I guess maybe I should care if he understands why or not. But I just feel like he is going to cry and beg me not to do this and then I'm going to cave. I love him but i can't take this anymore. I feel so stupid all my friends tried to tell me and I just hate that they were right I wanted to make this work and I just can't.


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## LongHaulforHappiness (Dec 28, 2011)

You need to find a good counselor for you. If there are no children involved, you are lucky. If you can obtain a lawyer and start proceedings to sell the house and split the proceeds, but let him know that its over and you are both going to have to move on (if he can't buy you out of your 1/2 of the house.) This is a self esteem issue and it's about you and you need to find the LOVE for yourself to move on to find a man that will VALUE what you have to offer. You are valuable and beautiful and you need to have someone treat you kindly, respectfully and bring as much to the table as you do. ACT NOW. He is violent and is not going to change. The only ace in his pocket is that you don't value yourself. Start doing so TODAY! Written with love and respect for you! And...if you are staying in this sad situation so you can be 'right' over your friends, RUN don't walk to that counselor. LOVE YOU and it's ok in life to be wrong!! And...move to another town and start over. Start a new chapter in a new place if you are adventurous. He won't follow you, he'll find the next sucker!


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## CelestaM (Dec 28, 2011)

Thank you. Some how that just hit my heart. You are right the power he has over me is that I don't love myself I love him more and I have been willing to put up with his crap. I forgot My WORTH. I have allowed him to do all this.


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## LongHaulforHappiness (Dec 28, 2011)

But you can change that and you don't even have to say a word to him. Just start making your plans and let him go in one ear and out the other. But DO open that separate bank account and DO say that you've got no more money to give and you're sorry but that's all there is. And then DON'T argue anymore. And do get the support you need to find YOU again and to move on. There are GOOD men out there who will meet you half way. Trust me, I know from experience. If you can stay with someone while you regroup, all the better. The sooner you separate, the better off you will be.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are not used to being mean to him because you are scared.

Standing your ground and respecting yourself is NOT mean.


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## CelestaM (Dec 28, 2011)

I feel like such a bad person for the plans I have been thinking about following through with. My orginal plan was to Go ahead and book his ticket to TN. and wait till he gets there then turn off his bank card. and cancel his return ticket. and when he calls to check on me ( like he has done in the past ) tell him I feel like you have done nothing but use me I wrote down all the stuff I'm unhappy about all the lies he has told and how i feel like he is always scheming something behind my back. He addiction he has. all of it I wrote it down and planned on reading it to him over the phone. and then telling him it's over Don't come back because after all you have put me through I just can't do it any more. Im better off alone then I am in a marriage like this. Just as i sit alone and thinking about it it seems so cold to do someone like that. After I made a Promise to love this man always.... But it seems like my only way out atleast in my head.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Get a voice activated recorder, and start keeping it on you. It would be even better to set up a nanny cam, or even leave a web cam running on a computer to get his violence recorded. Talk to a family violence agency, and see if there's any help there.

You need to get out of this relationship, but you need to do it as safely as you can.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Consult an attorney and just leave.
Not in that order.
A house is not worth your life or peace of mind.
It's not a matter of what he is doing to you, any more.
It's a matter of what you will do to yourself if you stay in this kind of situation. 
You're thinking too much about it. 
It's not really that murky.
Get in touch with your knee-jerk reactions. He's played mind games with you and used intimidation. 

Think of it this way. 
You got a puzzle in a box.
You're trying to put it together.
Well, the puzzle that is in the box is not a puzzle at all.
It's a bunch of messed up pieces that don't match.
You are in the middle of a nightmare and the only way to get out of it is a radical move that is outside the box of the game he is playing. 
Which would be to leave. No contact.
Pick up the pieces of your legal and financial life later.
Talk to your workplace about protection.
Insist on it..


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Divorce him. You married a teenager. Ack! He sounds just like my teen, she doesn't understand our bills and doesn't care. Your right, your husband is using you, this is not love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

When he is gone, talk to a lawyer that same day. Tell him/her everything and get their advice. Be honest about him pushing you around. I am concerned that you don't feel afraid about him getting violent with you. I would be very concerned about that.

You also want to open up a secret account and put as much money into it as possible.

It is not "mean" to protect youself from someone who is abusing you. It is practicing self-care. Your husband is the one who is mean. You are just being smart by leaving him. He hasn't show you any love or consideration. It is more than okay to walk away. You owe him NOTHING. When he had a chance to be good to you, he treated you with violence an used you. That is not love.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont suppose your house after only living there for two years can be worth much to you, unless you really put a big deposit.
You seem all the time saying you have to explain it to him. Why whatever for.
You have to forget him. Best go to a different place get a new job and forget him altogether. I suppose you really are scared of him although you wont admit it, so thats the only thing to do.


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## CelestaM (Dec 28, 2011)

I can't even express how I feel right now. I have felt so alone in all of this. My closest friends don't even really know. Not that they are around much anymore. I have felt so depressed and lonely. BUt to read all these messages and to hear the same thing from all of you that you would all take time out to read and post to a complete strange, just brings tears to my eyes. 

Through all of this I have lost that strong foundation of women friends I use to have and depend on and I'm starting to see that I need that. 

All of you here on this website are wonderful. I can';t tell you how much I appreciate your words of wisdom and encouragement.


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## CelestaM (Dec 28, 2011)

The house was mine before we met and got married. My house is kinda of important to me. It was something I did on my own. I take a lot of Pride in that.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

CelestaM said:


> The house was mine before we met and got married. My house is kinda of important to me. It was something I did on my own. I take a lot of Pride in that.


Is it in your name only?


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## CelestaM (Dec 28, 2011)

yeS. IT's in my name only.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Well if its your house. Still keep to my advice. Perhaps sell it quietly without your H knowing and move away. Look you dont want him back and it doesnt look like youre going to get rid of him easily.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Celesta

First get a lawyer. File for divorce. Let the lawyer figure out a way to get him out of the house.

Where did you meet this guy? I hope you have family and friends around to give you a little support. Your husband sounds like one big problem.

Considering the home is in your name only you have some leverage not much. Considering you husband has no job and no cash flow gives you a little more leverage.

Your husband sounds like a bully, and a dead beat. You sound like you have your act together, it is time to drop the dead wood in your life (your husband)


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

CelestaM said:


> yeS. IT's in my name only.


Not sure how it is in your state, but if the house is only in your name, by law he has no ties to that house. So if you talk with a lawyer, tell them how he has been acting/tearing up the house etc, by law he would need to leave. It can be court ordered. If he doesn't leave on his own he can be removed. 

You originally said the police said there is nothing they can do because he was tearing up his stuff , thats BS, if its your house in your name only, yes they can. It might be his stuff he is tearing up, but he is on your property in your home, not his.


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## CelestaM (Dec 28, 2011)

the last few months have been a nightmare. The constant fighting and yelling and not knowing what kind of a mood he will be in when i get home from work. I feel so tired all the time. Then last night He is completely different. He wants to talk, asks me about my day. wants to cook dinner hang out together. and He is smiling and laughing and joking around. Telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. It's so much easier if I can just stay mad at him. I know from the past this is just temporary it won't last it never does. But why does he do this? How can he go from the constant yelling to the most loving husband anyone has met ?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

CelestaM said:


> does. But why does he do this? How can he go from the constant yelling to the most loving husband anyone has met ?


Sounds like he has some mood disorder going on. Not fun and nothing you want to be around. No one wants to be around or deal with a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.


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## CelestaM (Dec 28, 2011)

they gave me a info sheet on shelters I can go to, and told me they can wait at the house for me to get a few things so that I could leave. They said since we are married everything in the house is considered joint property. So they can arrest anyone or remove anyone over an arguement. They told me I could go and try and get a restrianing order but because there is no proof of domestic violence and It would be waste of time. They treated me like I was a child crying over a broke toy. The police here are useless. They don't take it seriously at all until someone dies then they just point fingers across the board to try and blame there lack of response on some one else. ( thats just my little rant.)


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> Not sure how it is in your state, but if the house is only in your name, by law he has no ties to that house. So if you talk with a lawyer, tell them how he has been acting/tearing up the house etc, by law he would need to leave. It can be court ordered. If he doesn't leave on his own he can be removed.
> 
> You originally said the police said there is nothing they can do because he was tearing up his stuff , thats BS, if its your house in your name only, yes they can. It might be his stuff he is tearing up, but he is on your property in your home, not his.


:iagree:

Best thing to do is consult a lawyer. Once you tell them your situation they can tell you what you can and can not do. IF your husbands name is NOT on the mortgage, then yes he would need to be the one to leave.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

He does this because he probably has a personality disorder of some type (these are VERY tough to treat/change) and he is doing what is called "hoovering". He acts nice to you to suck you back in so that he can continue to use and manipulate you. He knows it has worked in the past.

It is hard to imagine that some people are so calculated and cold, especially when you yourself are not like this, but it is true. He has shown you that he can't be trusted. 

It is good news that the house is in your name. It is also good news that you recognize that he's an abusive user. He is probably being sweet because he can sense that you are starting to pull away and he wants his meal ticket to stay put. 

Confide in a trusted girlfriend and tell her that you don't want to hear "told you so", you just want non-judgemental support no matter what you decide to do. Having healthy girlfriends around you to care about you is SO important.

So get to a lawyer ASAP. If you can get him to leave for 3 weeks, do that and then change the locks to your house, box up his **** and leave it on the porch. And serve him divorce papers when he gets back. He has NO claim to your house if you owned it before you married and it's in your name (in most states, check with a lawyer first in yours). 

The best thing is to go NC with him. The less contact you have with him, the easier it will be to walk away from this abuser.

I would also suggest seeing a therapist because you need to learn how to love yourself more. When you love yourself, you don't allow other people to treat you poorly, which is what has happened in your marriage. You deserve WAY more. Of that, I am 100% certain.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I sent you a private message....


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Just saw this online about community property states:

Not all property the couple owns is considered marital property and is divided equally in a community property state. Anything that a person owned before the marriage is excluded from marital property. 

This is a list of community property states:
•Arizona 
•California 
•Idaho 
•Louisiana 
•Nevada 
•New Mexico 
•Texas 
•Washington 
•Wisconsin 

So even if you live in one of these states, your house is not considered community property since you had it before the marriage. You get to keep it free and clear.

This should give you some hope!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

The trick is that it isn't the job of the police to decide what belongs to whom. They only decide if a crime has taken place and unfortunately, division of property is the job of the courts. After the possessions have been divided up, if your husband comes and busts stuff up, only then can the police really do something. Otherwise, there really isn't a way for the cops to tell what in a house belongs to who and when they bought it, especially when they're married and common residency in the home is established.

That's why filing for divorce is the key. In the initial filing you can likely have him removed based on your sole ownership and if he returns, destroys property, etc., it becomes a crime.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are not a stranger and you are not alone.


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## R.J. (Dec 7, 2011)

CelesteM, why don't you want to say, "YOU ARE USING ME?" He needs to know that you're feeling used and why. I've been married for 2 years and the 1st year my husband didn't work either. He claimed to have been looking for a job, but when I'd return home from work he'd be sitting on the couch playing the playstation. I eventually grew to resent him, stressed that I felt used, and wasn't going to tolerate it any longer. He eventually found a job, but it didn't pay much at all. However I was happy that he was at least working. 

Our problems didn't end there. Eventually things became violent. He'd throw things, take my car keys and leave, get into my face and yell, etc. I'd call the police and they'd basically say the same thing that they told you. It got to the point that he became arrogant and would say and do whatever he felt because he knew there wasn't anything that I could do about it. I'm still with him today and going through the same stuff. It's so ridiculous because if I pack up and leave, I'd be charged with abandonment and he could take everything from me. On the other hand, I can't make him leave and he won't go. It's so sickening when you can't really afford a lawyer and the cops won't do anything to help. 

I'm paying for everything (ALL OF THE BILLS). Everything in our home was purchased on my dime. However, the one thing that I did do right was keep our accounts separate. He has no clue of what goes in and out of my account (and vice versa). However, why should he care as long as the bills are paid and he gets to sleep and eat for free? Well, let me clarify that he does give me some money, but that money doesn't accommodate a single bill. Yet he walks around like he's paying for everything and is really holding the family down. PUH-LEASE!!!

I'm still dealing with this today. The last major episode was over the Christmas holiday. He snapped because I was having a conversation with my sister about a possible abusive relationship that she's in. I suppose the conversation hit too close to home and he went crazy. I had enough of this. I'm too miserable, lonely, and in debt to continue living with someone who is of no value added to my life.

I'm leaving in April when our lease is up on our place. As long as I leave with the intent to separate, he has no rights to me. However if I move and allow him to come stay with me, I lose all rights to that place and he has the right to do whatever he wants. 

CelesteM, you need a plan. You said you're not afraid of him so that's a good thing. I don't think you need to focus on trying to get him to understand why you're leaving. Right now, he's too arrogant and probably don't believe you'd even go (like my husband has convinced himself). So the first step is to show him that you're not kidding by leaving. Then once he sees that this isn't a joke, then he'd probably be willing to listen to why you left. If you feel like the marriage can be salvaged then go from there. However, if not then I don't think he deserves to hear you repeat why you're gone. He knows why you're gone. I refuse to believe that these guys are completely oblivious to how they're treating us. C'mon. He knows he never makes you feel loved and or appreciated. He must know, so why should you have the decency to explain these unfortunate facts to him if he never had the decency to acknowledge them to begin with? 

Get a plan girl, learn your worth, and accept nothing but the best.

Goodluck.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

CelestaM said:


> they gave me a info sheet on shelters I can go to, and told me they can wait at the house for me to get a few things so that I could leave. They said since we are married everything in the house is considered joint property. So they can arrest anyone or remove anyone over an arguement. They told me I could go and try and get a restrianing order but because there is no proof of domestic violence and It would be waste of time. They treated me like I was a child crying over a broke toy. The police here are useless. They don't take it seriously at all until someone dies then they just point fingers across the board to try and blame there lack of response on some one else. ( thats just my little rant.)


Did the police make a report when he destroyed the property in the home? If there is a report, pictures, anything, it is worth it to try and get an order ASAP. 

I KNOW how you feel! I called the cops on my H for damaging my car, kicking it, throwing things at it, throwing my cats out, punching holes in walls, breaking things.... The cops tell you it's joint property, blah blah blah. Go to the courthouse now. You tell the judge everything you told us, let you H defend himself to a judge. And while a RO will not protect you in the event he disregards the law anyway, it will get him thrown in jail for ANY violation of said RO.

If he is using you for a free ride, he will move on if faced with this.... It's too much of a hassle for guys like this. Once their game is revealed, they don't have much of a reason to stay  

CUT him off financially too!


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

This is really sad. What happen to the men that are growing up now? 

When a man has no honor or morals left he is nothing. Some men might chime in here and say the wife do the samething but I beleive it is the man that should provide for the family in any way possible.


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