# Triggers



## brs597 (Jan 19, 2010)

To those who are going through the pains an adulter has caused them, but are working to fix the broken pieces, what are some things you can do to during awkward times which obviously bring the memories back for both of you?
Example to this would be in our living room last night. W and DD get home in living room discussing our days, dinner, etc., and the Simpsons TV show happens to be playing(DD 3 watches anything that resembles her favorite cartoons). 
In this episode Homer is supposed to be on a diet Marge put him on so he could lose weight, be healthy, blah blah blah. After a week on the diet his personal trainer wieghed him in and he had gained 7 pounds. Marge being furious accused him of cheating on her diet. Homer denies, long story short she hires 'Sneakers' tv show to follow him to expose his cheating. Shows all the obvious things he was doing to sneak for "food" right in front of Marge's face.
This was obviously awkward after everything, but we both just sat there silient without a word. I know the obvious answer would be change the channel or leave the room, but after a counseling session when I told her it bothered me how she would turn the radio off to any song which reminded her of the A the counselor agreed that should be stopped because we were moving forward with the marriage and that was in the past.
Was that bad advice? 
I guess in hindsight I should have changed the channel, sort of put a damper on the evening.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

When the pain is fresh people tend to over associate things around them. Every song of broken love, every tv show with a cheating spouse and so on seems to be speaking directly to us. There seems to always be the 800 pound gorilla in the room. We had those times for many months but as things improved he hung around with us less and less. Avoid the situations that make you uncomfortable and with time and improvement they won't really bother you at all. Just speaking from experience.


----------



## brs597 (Jan 19, 2010)

Sort of like a recovering alcholic will always remember the drink, but eventually will think of it less often? But he will always be in recovery. For us it has been 3 years. Yes it is less often, but definetly still there. Up until this I had kept mistakes to those "One day we'll look back on this and laugh" type. Now its just regret


----------



## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

YOu can always just go to her and put your arms around her and remind her of your love for her and that you aren't leaving her. Or just put your arms around her and hold her and say nothing or just ask her how she's doing. You won't always know when something is going to be a trigger, but responding in a loving manner will help you guys get through it. Ask your wife what would make her feel better in those moments.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

ibell629 has the answer, this is what we do, when my husband sees something has triggered me, he just comes over and hugs me and says he doesn't want me to worry of let my mind go to the bad moments and to focus on us and all the good changes that have happened between us....
I'm good at asking for hugs so get over the painful moments of triggers.......
It still happens a lot, it's only been 5 months since the affair ended and I think we both understand that this might be something we will need to do for a while if not the rest of our marriage....
He understands this and just quietly says I'm sorry..I love you....I say I know you are and that I love him....
It's hard but we have a good relationship now, better than before the affair........I hope it doesn't last forever but after something like this happens in a marriage, we can't expect it to be the same ever again, we can make new memories and focus only on that.......


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay I have a good story for you! When my exH was having his affair it about KILLED me--seriously it is a miracle I survived and I'm so thankful--but the song Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers (retro version  ) just tore me up inside. I mean... you talk about a trigger, I could not even get through the song! So for a little while when that song came on, I would go ahead and turn off the radio (or whatever) and that gave my heart a little time to try to recover. After a little time had passed though I realized I didn't want to live a life with no music, so I set aside one whole night and faced the song. I must have played it 50 times. The first couple of times, what can I say? I broke down crying from the depths of my heart...but I kept playing it. Finally I was able to listen to it all the way through and realize it was notes and lyrics that were beautiful--you know? 

So I'd say there is a time to turn off a particularly tough trigger...and there is a time to face it head on and *reclaim it for your own*. Don't give the affair more minutes, tears or time! It's yours now! You are in a new marriage now--so use the triggery things to say "Now that it's new, I would rather be transparent with you. I like being open."


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

I was actually just posting about this in another thread. Its only been 5 months since I found out, and EVERYTHING reminds me! 

I dont know how to escape this... so I cant be much help here in giving advice... but I can say that people keep on telling me, it gets better with time and the triggers will lessen with time. 

A part of me feels this involves dealing with the emotions and cognitions. Eg.. Get a thought or feeling.... replace it with a healthy cognition "that was in the past etc" and then try and let go. She may also need some time out to just to process all this.

Im not sure about changing the channel..... thats just me. I think there has to be a way to deal/experience with the emotions and move on at the same time... otherwise it would just feel like denial.


----------

