# What is wrong with me?



## ElasticPancake (Dec 28, 2019)

I need out. I've been married to my wife for 16 years. The last 7, she has had Rheumatoid Arthritis which has progressively gotten worse. She was overweight before the diagnosis, now she is more so, to the point she can only walk with assistance about 20ft. She lives in her bed. She has been in a rehab facility to help her lose weight and learn to function, but it hasn't helped and insurance refuses to spend any more. She so is home now; she came home about a month ago. She had big plans to meal plan and lose weight and how she would keep working to get better, but that is not the reality. 

She does have physical and occupational therapists coming out twice a week. She has a nurse come out once a week. But on the days when they are not here, she does nothing. She watches videos on her phone or sleeps. The problem is, I can't help her get around, she is too heavy and too weak. For bathroom facilities, we have a commode in our room. SHe can get back and forth to it with just her walker. However, he weight makes it hard for her keep clean, and the room smells like urine all the time. I help her with bed baths, but her condition just makes it impossible to keep on top of everything. 

I work outside the home, 20 miles away. Our son is 18 and about to graduate high school. She is on disability. We have applied for Medicaid and were denied due to my income. Medicaid would cover her staying in a nursing home where they could help her if she could get approved. However, I don't want to divorce her just to get her covered and then stay with her. 

I get nothing out of this marriage; for the last 3 years we haven't had sex. She only started bringing disability income last summer, after being out of work for 5 or 6 years. We don't agree on how to spend, how to live, or how to eat. I've had two heart attacks in the last 3 years and I'm only 40. I don't think I can take any more of this. I'm about 80lb overwieght, and I've finally decided to really buckle down and start working on myself to be there for my son for at least part of his adult life. I want to make changes, but I feel stuck living in her world, doing stuff for her. I don't have any motivation to work on the house and keep it clean. I just want to start over on my own. I just feel like I would be abandoning her at her worst time. But I also feel like she would be better off if she got Medicaid and got back into a nursing home. What would you do?


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Wow it sounds like a very difficult situation. From a purely logical point of view, divorce to have her able to be in a home full time might be best, I don't know. It sounds like you are doing everything you can possibly do. If a home can have her on a strict plan of diet and activity maybe they are best equipped to save her while not draining all the family resources. At a certain point when is your desire to be her caretaker stop being loving and caring and start being selfish guilt avoidance when the best chance for her survival is a different approach? 

I do think you need to practice serious self care. Overweight, unhealthy, heart problems and highly stressed is a recipe for disaster and I think you focusing on yourself and your son, future grand children is needed to save yourself. When I was 40 I looked healthy but I had issues with cholesterol, blood pressure, and a whole host of issues that did not bode well for the future of my health. I made a firm commitment to stick with my 6 days a week workout schedule and made sure I worked out vigorously for at least 30 minutes a day and ideally 1 hour a day. I stopped eating anything processed, no refined sugars, no refined carbs and 100% plant based everything. In 6 months I felt better than I had since my 20s, my cholesterol was very healthy, my blood pressure was perfect and pretty much every other problem was gone. A good workout routine can also help deal with stress very well. Whenever I feel myself slipping I binge watch some documentaries like Forks over Knives, Plant Pure Life, I reread the TB12 method, I watch documentaries on Cross-Fit athletes and other things of that nature. It just gets me re-dedicated.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Please know that I'm not being critical, but I do wonder how she's getting the food to maintain her obesity if she doesn't travel outside of the home. RA is a very painful and debilitating disease. It's easy to understand how someone can lose her will to live with it. However, she has to make the choice whether to live or die. I've had two friends die in their thirties from obesity. It's not a joke. The heart can only do so much, as you know first hand.

You are going to have to make some choices, as well. How much can you help someone who is not willing to help herself? Get whatever outside help you can (including mental health). Do everything within your power to make the best out of a bad situation. I'm really sorry you're going through this problem. If you do nothing else, take care of yourself, like you mentioned. You've been spared RA, so you have a choice not to die from obesity.


----------



## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

Hi, I appreciate your scenario and understand your frustration. You've been together a bit and I wonder if you think about her personally. What was your relationship like in its infancy? Have you always had a disconnect? Ages?


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Food addiction is like any other addition and it is not easy to deal with, especially as the spouse watching someone else destroy their body.

I helped an employee get through severe obesity, so I know how difficult it can be. The inflammation from that can't be helping the RA.

Once at that level of mobility, really the first step forward is diet based only... low carb to the extent of being in ketosis. Has she considered surgical intervention (lap band)?

If she can't get on board with either or both of those, she needs some sort of rock bottom to get motivated (if thats even possible). Losing you might be the rock bottom that saves her.

Sorry this is happening.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This sounds like a very difficult situation.

Your first responsibility is to care for yourself. You are responsible for your own health and your own choices. When caring for someone else, especially since you are working. it is hard to fit anything in for yourself, but again, that is your first responsibility.

I've got some questions:
How is your wife getting to the commode when you aren't home?
How is your wife getting her food?
Who determines what your wife eats? 

If you are bringing her what she demands, it is within your rights to tell her that you are no longer going to contribute or enable her poor eating habits. Prepare the same food for both of you. Don't make anything special for her. Get yourself into a healthy nutritional routine. Do not go on a diet or try to put her on one. Instead, change how you eat overall. The most important factor is how many vegetables you eat. According to Dr. Terry Wahls, an expert in autoimmunity, she recommends "Rather than separating them into fruits and vegetables, Dr. Wahls separates them into three categories that include both fruits and vegetables: *3 cups of greens, 3 cups of sulfur vegetables and 3 cups of color vegetables and fruits*." Mom Says, Eat Your Vegetables: Part 5 of the Good Health Series | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World The article explains all this.
This is another article that may be helpful: Practical Ways to Reduce Weight and Increase Mobility | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World
Something I have started doing for my husband is to add a SweetLeaf Water Drops to his water. It has no artificial sweetener, which is really bad for you. Here's what I'm talking about: https://www.walmart.com/ip/Sweet-Leaf-Water-Drops-Mixed-Berry-1-62-Fz/433929598
The idea isn't to even cut back on food, but to change the types of foods you eat, so that you are filling yourself up with high nutrient foods that contribute to your health and make you feel good.
You might want to try this approach and see what happens before you make any decision to divorce. I can understand how stressful and difficult your situation is. I hope that you are able to start caring for yourself and feeling better all around.


----------



## ElasticPancake (Dec 28, 2019)

Thanks everyone who took the time to reply. 

I have begun making changes to my diet. I was drinking diet for soda for the last few years. I totally cut that out, now it's just water and iced tea. I'm working on packing healthy lunches for weeks at work, I've lost 10lbs or so in the last couple weeks. 

She eats out of boredom, I think. She wants to doordash sandwiches for lunch, or just to bring us ice cream. I am a pushover and I go along, but that is going to stop. While she was in the facility, I had stopped buying processed snacks and foods for myself. I was happy eating grilled chicken and a salad for dinner every day. Now that she is home, we are buying pasta and little debbies and sodas. 

My thinking is, she is 36. She should be able to figure out what she needs to do to get better. I don't want to be her dad, telling her what she can and can't eat. When we talk about diet plans, she is up for getting weight loss surgery, she is up for a low-carb diet, but she doesn't follow through. My lunch today was a salad, hers was potato chips and Spaghetti-Os, I looked up some BMI charts, and to maintain her weight at her level of activity, she has to have 3000 calories a day. That is shockingly easy to do. 

I guess I'm an enabler. I am her husband and I want her to be better, but I bring her her lunch and dinner. I don't feel right telling her no, she is an adult. I'm averse to confrontation.

I've been talking with my friend for the past couple months about my marriage and starting to see that I have a bad habit of going along to get along, and she has a habit of taking advantage of that, whether subconsciously or not. She has several issues from her childhood and teenage years that she never dealt with that affected our marriage, especially early on. She knows how to manipulate me, she knows that I would do anything to make her happy. And she knows how to get what she wants, while I'm usually willing to accept what happens as long as I can have some freedom to work on my hobbies.

I blame myself for letting it get this bad. I know it's not her fault that she has RA, but I'm starting to see that the way that she is willing to live and the way I want to live are not compatible. 

I'm realizing as I get older that I've thrown everything I have into this relationship and I'm not getting anything from it. We had to file bankruptcy last year, now the nursing is home is coming after us for $20k. We got a $50k settlement from SSDI and half of it went to the nursing home before the bankruptcy, and the rest just kind of evaporated. I don't have access to the account it came from and she was not exact about where it all went. I know a few things that we got fixed around the house, but not near $25k. She had a an online gambling thing for a little bit, spent $300 on bingo apps in a couple weeks without even realizing it until I looked at the statements and asked what it was. She said she hasn't done any gambling since, but I don't know for sure. I don't know if I can trust her not to hide things from me. 

Sorry for putting information out in bits. I knew if I tried to document my whole situation from the beginning the task would be so daunting I wouldn't evert get a post made.


----------



## ElasticPancake (Dec 28, 2019)

Cynthia said:


> This sounds like a very difficult situation.
> 
> Your first responsibility is to care for yourself. You are responsible for your own health and your own choices. When caring for someone else, especially since you are working. it is hard to fit anything in for yourself, but again, that is your first responsibility.
> 
> ...


My wife is able to walk with her walker to the commode, it is in our bedroom. 
I pack a lunchbox for her in the morning and bring her breakfast before I go.
She is in charge of what she eats in that she picks something that we have and I prepare it for her.

I appreciate the links that you have posted. I've just started reading about how bad artificial sweeteners can be, that's why I stopped with the diet sodas. Now I'm working on upping my vegetable intake and cutting out processed carbohydrates. I look forward to reading these.


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

ElasticPancake said:


> I get nothing out of this marriage; for the last 3 years we haven't had sex. She only started bringing disability income last summer, after being out of work for 5 or 6 years. We don't agree on how to spend, how to live, or how to eat. I've had two heart attacks in the last 3 years and I'm only 40. I don't think I can take any more of this. I'm about 80lb overwieght, and I've finally decided to really buckle down and start working on myself to be there for my son for at least part of his adult life. I want to make changes, but I feel stuck living in her world, doing stuff for her. I don't have any motivation to work on the house and keep it clean. I just want to start over on my own. I just feel like I would be abandoning her at her worst time. But I also feel like she would be better off if she got Medicaid and got back into a nursing home. What would you do?


Sounds like you should certainly get divorced. What's holding you back?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm not talking about making her do anything. I'm talking about what you are and are not wiling to do. If my husband were in that situation, I would tell him flat out that I am no longer participating in his demise and if he wants me to prepare food for him, he will eat what I give him. End of story. If she doesn't like it, that's on her to do something else.

Had you thought about putting in a bidet seat on your toilet? I almost did that for my mom, when I was caring for her, but she passed before I got it done. I did, however, use a squeeze bottle that worked pretty well. I don't know if your wife could manage to use one, but here's what they look like: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B08C5JKSK8/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Often very very overweight people have an enabler. I remember watching a programme about a very over weight lady who could barely get out of bed. Her husband used to cook her things like 3 or 4 burgers for lunch. Most people would probably only eat one. 
She went into hospital where she would loose weight and then come home and back on it would go.


----------



## ElasticPancake (Dec 28, 2019)

thunderchad said:


> Sounds like you should certainly get divorced. What's holding you back?


I just want to be sure that I'm justified in getting divorced, that I've weighed the options and am doing the right thing for me.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What would happen to her if you did leave.


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

ElasticPancake said:


> I just want to be sure that I'm justified in getting divorced, that I've weighed the options and am doing the right thing for me.


My advice is forget everyone else and do what makes YOU happy. If you stay, will you be happy? If you leave, will you be happy?


----------



## ElasticPancake (Dec 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> What would happen to her if you did leave.


I would do what I can to make sure she gets medical (medicaid, hopefully) coverage to get placed in a nursing home.


----------



## ElasticPancake (Dec 28, 2019)

thunderchad said:


> My advice is forget everyone else and do what makes YOU happy. If you stay, will you be happy? If you leave, will you be happy?


Thank you. I think I would be less unhappy alone.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Have you told your wife you are strongly considering divorce?


----------



## ElasticPancake (Dec 28, 2019)

Cynthia said:


> Have you told your wife you are strongly considering divorce?


Not since she got back from the nursing home. We were at this point before she went in. I insisted that she go and get better or I would leave; I couldn't live like that any longer. I plan to have a talk with her soon. It just seems unfair to her since I don't think there's anything she can do to change my mind. I feel like such a crappy person for wanting to leave, but also such a chump for staying so long.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

When you are so crippled you can't do a bunch of strenuous exercise you also can't lose hardly any weight. Arthritis is not a reversible condition. It's not even a condition where the pain can be well controlled. I know because I've got it. About all you can do is walk a very short distance and do something sitting down and even sitting down for long is it comfortable. I feel really sorry for your wife.

I'm not going to make any further comments because they wouldn't be very nice ones.


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

You have done everything you can do. She's 36, she'll be able to figure out how to care for herself or find another "nice guy."


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

ElasticPancake said:


> Not since she got back from the nursing home. We were at this point before she went in. I insisted that she go and get better or I would leave; I couldn't live like that any longer. I plan to have a talk with her soon. It just seems unfair to her since I don't think there's anything she can do to change my mind. I feel like such a crappy person for wanting to leave, but also such a chump for staying so long.


She is likely encouraging you to feel this way so you won't leave her. It's time for another talk.
However, you must be aware that you have been enabling her behavior in order to avoid conflict. From an outsider's perspective, it seems that it would be good to give it another try, from a new paradigm of you stopping your enabling behavior and no longer worrying about her getting angry with you for not going along with her dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors. Living your life by trying not to be uncomfortable or letting other people's responses control your thoughts and behaviors is unhealthy. I recommend that you take this opportunity to grow in that area by stopping your enabling behaviors and standing up to your wife. It will probably get worse before it gets better, but it's not going to improve if you don't make some changes of your own first. How you are relating to your wife is part of the problem. It's not all on her.



DownByTheRiver said:


> When you are so crippled you can't do a bunch of strenuous exercise you also can't lose hardly any weight. Arthritis is not a reversible condition. It's not even a condition where the pain can be well controlled. I know because I've got it. About all you can do is walk a very short distance and do something sitting down and even sitting down for long is it comfortable. I feel really sorry for your wife.
> 
> I'm not going to make any further comments because they wouldn't be very nice ones.


 First off, not all arthritis is the same. I personally have had success in resolving my arthritis issues. Rheumatoid arthritis, however, is caused by an autoimmune response. There are ways to work through autoimmune disorders, but it requires a complete overhaul of one's nutritional input. That can bring relief, but it doesn't always bring remission. This woman has options for making things better, but instead, she fills her body with foods that inflame, thus making the arthritis worse and continuing to gain weight. Sure she has trouble moving, but she isn't doing anything to make it better. That is the crux of this problem here. He doesn't want to divorce because she is sick. He wants to divorce, because she refuses to do any of the things that she can do to make it better and is relying on him to make up for her failure.

edited to correct a spelling error that changed meaning


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OP try cutting out all white flour and sugar. It seems to help my arthritis.


----------



## ElasticPancake (Dec 28, 2019)

Cynthia said:


> She is likely encouraging you to feel this way so you won't leave her. It's time for another talk.
> However, you must be aware that you have been enabling her behavior in order to avoid conflict. From an outsider's perspective, it seems that it would be good to give it another try, from a new paradigm of you stopping your enabling behavior and no longer worrying about her getting angry with you for not going along with her dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors. Living your life by trying not to be uncomfortable or letting other people's responses control your thoughts and behaviors is unhealthy. I recommend that you take this opportunity to grow in that area by stopping your enabling behaviors and standing up to your wife. It will probably get worse before it gets better, but it's not going to improve if you don't make some changes of your own first. How you are relating to your wife is part of the problem. It's not all on her.


Yes, I have always been sort of a pushover. I am working on it  I plan to work out some things to talk about with her, maybe this weekend. I appreciate your advice. I guess if she isn't willing to make some pretty drastic changes for the better then I know for sure that I'm wasting my time.



Diana7 said:


> OP try cutting out all white flour and sugar. It seems to help my arthritis.


I will let her know about this, but I don't think she would go for it. She loves sweets. Starbucks Frappuccino is her jam.


----------



## ElasticPancake (Dec 28, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> When you are so crippled you can't do a bunch of strenuous exercise you also can't lose hardly any weight. Arthritis is not a reversible condition. It's not even a condition where the pain can be well controlled. I know because I've got it. About all you can do is walk a very short distance and do something sitting down and even sitting down for long is it comfortable. I feel really sorry for your wife.
> 
> I'm not going to make any further comments because they wouldn't be very nice ones.


I appreciate your perspective. I know that she is going through a lot of pain. I've been there with her, helping since day one; I've seen her deterioration before my eyes. I feel sorry for her, too. At this point now, the only thing I can do is try to get her to change her eating habits and try to lose the weight. I've told her, the doctors have told her, everything is harder with the amount of weight she has on. She is over 500lbs. If she falls while walking, we have to call an ambulance to help her back into bed. Last time it took four people to help her. This is way outside of my capabilities and it will be years before she is independent (if she sticks to working at it). 

I'm sorry that you are going through it too. I hope that you aren't in a situation anywhere near as bad as what my is living.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ElasticPancake said:


> I appreciate your perspective. I know that she is going through a lot of pain. I've been there with her, helping since day one; I've seen her deterioration before my eyes. I feel sorry for her, too. At this point now, the only thing I can do is try to get her to change her eating habits and try to lose the weight. I've told her, the doctors have told her, everything is harder with the amount of weight she has on. She is over 500lbs. If she falls while walking, we have to call an ambulance to help her back into bed. Last time it took four people to help her. This is way outside of my capabilities and it will be years before she is independent (if she sticks to working at it).
> 
> I'm sorry that you are going through it too. I hope that you aren't in a situation anywhere near as bad as what my is living.


Just remember that it's almost impossible to lose weight when you can't do cardio. I'm lucky compared to her because my weight tops out less than hers does. Having nothing to do with diet. But arthritis hurts no matter what weight you're at and cripples you up and makes it where you can't do a lot. On top of that the meds you have to take usually have to be taken with not just a little food but a pretty good meal or they will make you sick. So if she's on any kind of anti-inflammatories or diabetes med or pre
diabetes med or heart pills, she has to eat a meal when she takes those and they cannot be taken together. I'm having to eat an extra meal just to take my pills and they still very often make me sick.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just remember that it's almost impossible to lose weight when you can't do cardio. I'm lucky compared to her because my weight tops out less than hers does. Having nothing to do with diet. But arthritis hurts no matter what weight you're at and cripples you up and makes it where you can't do a lot. On top of that the meds you have to take usually have to be taken with not just a little food but a pretty good meal or they will make you sick. So if she's on any kind of anti-inflammatories or diabetes med or pre
> diabetes med or heart pills, she has to eat a meal when she takes those and they cannot be taken together. I'm having to eat an extra meal just to take my pills and they still very often make me sick.


This sounds very difficult. 
Under these circumstances, it is more important than ever to make good choices for foods. She needs tons of vegetables. Cauliflower is a highly versatile vegetable, which would fill her enough for meds, be delicious, and is nutritious. She needs to fill herself with highly nutritious foods, rather than eat out of boredom and addiction to carbohydrates. If she's going to munch on something, it's better to munch on nuts, seeds, or vegetables than pretty much anything else.


----------



## mydatejar (10 mo ago)

My dating advice is to ignore the opinions of others and focus on what makes you happy. Will you be content if you stay? Will you be pleased if you leave?


----------



## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

How about preparing healthy meals and letting her fend for herself if she wants Doordash? If she can't make it to the front door, she'll be forced to eat whatever you prepare. 

I get that this is controlling and you shouldn't have to do that, but at this point, its life or death. If she were a heroin addict, would you buy the drug, and help administer it? Same with food!!! 

She needs intensive therapy to figure out why she HATES herself so much. She needs tough love! Real tough, at this point. Being understanding, empathetic, and afraid has gotten you here. 

I broke my ankle several years ago and had a commode. NASTY!!! My husband had to clean it out and he did! For a few days, not for months/years. You cant help someone who won't help themselves! 

A strict diet, therapy, and having the willingness to get help and be humble and be introspective is needed. Along with a strong will to get better. Without the will, there is NO WAY!

Sent from my SM-J327VPP using Tapatalk


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mydatejar said:


> My dating advice is to ignore the opinions of others and focus on what makes you happy. Will you be content if you stay? Will you be pleased if you leave?


*Moderator warning:-*

My advice, as a moderator of TAM, is to not spam us with links to commercial sites.

Please check out this link for the rules of posting on TAM. Posting Guidelines - Forum Rules (2022)

You breached rule 14.

If you want to advertise in a way that doesn't break the rules of the site, please visit this link https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/business/


----------



## DreamGuyxo (9 mo ago)

You both need to find a comfortable setting that fits yours/hers needs and health 

Find a good routine that doesn't impact you in a way you will be intimidate and then you can do what you want after doing so

It sounds like you are in need for a better situation for yourself, maybe talking to your wife about what sources and routes you guys can take, you just need a break for the moment


----------

