# He asks me what I want then ignores it?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

What does it mean if you ask your spouse to do something that would be helpfull to YOU and they neglect to do it?

A few weeks ago we had a massive blow out. We made it up and one of the things he asked was what could he do to help me feel better about things?

I thought this is a great question coming from him. So I gave him something concrete and tangible: I would like him to text me whilst he is at work, tell me he misses me or cannot wait to see me later. You get the gist.

So, three or four weeks later, has he done it?

No. Not once.

I brought it up today. His response was one of immediate defensiveness. "Right then, I'll do that around my really heavy workload and everything else I have to remember in the day then."

I KNOW full well that he can spare a minute for a text. He can find time to message about other mundane stuff. But not this.

There is a recurring theme. He asks me what we can do to make things better. I say something. He then either does it for a week or two then stops, or does not bother at all. His reason is ALLWAYS that he just forgot. He does not think about the things I think about and they aren't at the forefront of his mind every day. Well they're not at the forefront of his mind EVER by the looks of it.

What do I do?


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I thought this is a great question coming from him. So I gave him something concrete and tangible:* I would like him to text me whilst he is at work, tell me he misses me or cannot wait to see me later*. You get the gist.


I get the underlying frustration on your part, but if my wife was, in essence, forcing me to text and tell her that I missed her and couldn't wait to see her, then I might feel a little put upon and maybe even resentful, especially if things have been tense. Not that you don't deserved to be told by your spouse that you are missed, and so forth, but you see where I'm going with this.

You might have wanted to be straight-forward in your request, but it has to come from the heart-he has to want to do it and not be told specifically what words you want him to express. If you were that literal, then to him it sounds like you are barking orders to him that he has to say this or that instead of letting him display his affection towards you in his way. 

Maybe if you had said something like, "You know, it would be really nice to hear from you during the day sometimes, just to see how you're doing..." then perhaps you might have gotten a different result? 

I don't remember your back-story, but I know that I've followed one or two of your threads and seem to remember that things have been pretty rough for you, so I don't know if my "advice" is going to be of help, but there it is.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I understand. My intention was based on his past words: if I want something then to just ask for it. I have in the past been a bit vague with my communications which has led to problems in him knowing what I want. He has stated many many times to "just tell me" exactly what it is I want from him with stuff like this.

He does text me some days. Some days he doesn't at all. I do not think I can ever remember him saying he would miss me without me actually *asking* him if he would. I guess deep down my need to know this is mixed up with my esteem issues from his EA. It is complicated to explain. The gist of it is that I often feel very low down on his list of priorities. He also often seems intent on showing affection in particular ways, which is sweet, but goes out of his way to purposely NOT show affection in the way I would like (ie quality time.) I feel very taken for granted and often like it hardly matters if I am home or not.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

" A man is only as good as his WORDS. If his word is no good....."
Then what?
If my wife asks me to text her during my busy workday to reassure her,how hard can that be?

The OP didn't ask her husband for a dozen roses........


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Maybe there's a little reading into things on the part of the OP. She reacts as though the husband committed a deliberate act. She's probably just looking for love in a language that he's weak in.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

MAYBE.... you text something positive to him.... and he will learn to reply in a thoughtful, caring way. If sweet talk is not his strong point, then it will take some time.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe he doesn't miss you? He's at work and it's busy...

I used to hear from H all day every day at his old job because it was slow and boring and lame. Now, I don't hear from him at all because he's so busy and I don't mind at all. I see waht you're saying, but maybe he simply doesn't miss you....not being a turd, but he's just busy.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I understand. My intention was based on his past words: if I want something then to just ask for it. I have in the past been a bit vague with my communications which has led to problems in him knowing what I want. He has stated many many times to "just tell me" exactly what it is I want from him with stuff like this.
> 
> He does text me some days. Some days he doesn't at all. I do not think I can ever remember him saying he would miss me without me actually *asking* him if he would. I guess deep down my need to know this is mixed up with my esteem issues from his EA. It is complicated to explain. The gist of it is that I often feel very low down on his list of priorities. He also often seems intent on showing affection in particular ways, which is sweet, but goes out of his way to purposely NOT show affection in the way I would like (ie quality time.) I feel very taken for granted and often like it hardly matters if I am home or not.


Ok, things make way more sense to me now. You are very insecure, and rightfully so. But he's not listening to your needs/wants because he doesn't really want to do it. Just my opinion, of course, but if I had an EA on H and he needed some texts throughout the day to reassure him, and I was remorseful...then holy crap! He'd get texts.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Ok, things make way more sense to me now. You are very insecure, and rightfully so. But he's not listening to your needs/wants because he doesn't really want to do it. Just my opinion, of course, but if I had an EA on H and *he needed some texts throughout the day to reassure him, and I was remorseful...then holy crap! He'd get texts.*


You see, this is what I would LIKE to think he thinks.

It is obvious he doesn't.

He has this power, in his hands, to be able to make me feel reassured and important to him, to show he thinks about me and foster a real bond between us. Yet he chooses repeatedly to forget or just not bother, then be irritated when I show any signs of insecurity or irritated if I bring it up.

*shrugs*


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I messaged him yesterday. Said I missed him when he went back to work after the weekend and it is lovely havibg him around. Added after "please don't just say "me too"".

He replied back "me too, yes I miss you too baby." 

I am all for spouses trying and appreciating the effort even if it sounds awkward. However this is one that I think has to come from him from the heart. Prompted just does not sound the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

K. He did what you asked. I think you need to find your affirmation some other way. Or get him a book about texting.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

WillK said:


> K.* He did what you asked. I think you need to find your affirmation some other way*. Or get him a book about texting.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

He does what you want and you're still not happy.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I thought I would be. I can only say that had he offered that sentiment of his own accord it would have meant the world. I know he did what I asked but in retrospect I wanted to hear it because he felt it, not because he was ticking it off on his list.

I guess I have to face facts that it is not going to come from him spontaneously. That's mine to deal with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jennz (Jul 14, 2012)

I totally agree with what you are saying, that you want it to be his sentiment. However, I think that you should thank him for sending that text and continue to send him the occassional text saying how you feel and if he texts you back, let him know that you appreciated it. Then he may start doing it on his own...sometimes we all need a little help remembering to do the little things for the people in our lives.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Not sure if it was mentioned here in this thread, but you should get the Five Love Languages by Chapman. Great insight on what makes you tick, and what makes your husband tick. When you speak one another's language, things become much simpler.

There is a thread by SimplyAmorous started here about this very thing. Check it out!

It's "What R you and spouses love language..."


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I read the 5 LL a while ago. I thought it was brilliant. Mine is quality time followed by words of affirmation. His is words of affirmation.

Prior to his EA I was all about the words. After? Well I could not face feeding his massive ego any more. It was very one sided. I realized I was giving so much and not getting in return. As he has continued to ignore any of my requests, I just withdrew. 

The gist of it is he is happy for things to just "be." He is comfortable with the status quo and because he is happt he thinks I should be too. If I am not then I am too sensitive, or demanding, or never happy. He is allways too busy telling me WHY I should not feel like I do than to rather think, yeah this would make walkingwounded happy and is easy to do. 

He does not prioritize me. Like Monday evening I suggested an "early night." He wanted to stay up for a bit so promised me we would have some couple time last night. I was looking forward to it all day. Freshly showered after kids asleep and cute outfit. Cosied up to him. We sat together for a while. He kept cracking open the beers. I waited for him to start things off. He didn't. Come midnight I had had enough and went to bed.

He told me he forgot. Apparently the prospect of a hot steamy session with his wife is so alluring that... he forgot. 

For those who don't know my backstory and are thinking WHY didn't I initiate myself? It is because he continually turned me down for sex over the last six months and only wanted it on his terms. So I stopped initiating because I couldn't bear the heartache of being rejected. 

He knows this. I feel EMBARRASSED. I'd been thinking about it all day. He wasn't. I want to die inside. I don't know how much longer I can basically be disregarded like this, it is destroying my esteem :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I wonder all the time how people manage to come back together after an EA or PA in the first place. It seems that if the WS doesn't put forth the effort to repair the damage, it just doesn't work. If it happened to me, and I didn't feel prioritized, then I'd be out of there without a second look. The way I see it is, my spouse owes me what he's withdrawn from our relationship. If he doesn't care to put forth the effort to reconcile what was lost, then IMO he's not interested in me or saving our relationship. 

I can't tell you what to do, but I will say this. Life is short and tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. I'm going to live life as fully and as happily as I can. If that means I have to cut certain people out of it? Then so be it. I'm not going to stand being taken for granted.

Think about that.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Very deep words. 

I have thought about it a lot. I think about the effort he *has* put in. We did do MC. That helped. He has on the whole been good. There have been things he has been more held back with. I think being truthfull he has not been great with stuff I have requested outside of when we went to MC. I do feel some of it has been done under duress rather than given freely and willingly...

And the real biggie is there is little he has come up with himself to help stuff... It has pretty much me having to explain stuff like transparency. 

It is hurtfull when allthough he *does* do stuff it is clear he is only doing it a) because he feels pushed in to it or b) we have just argued and he is making a big showy effort which never lasts.

However bizarrely I do feel he loves me and wants to be with me. I just think he is allmost "lazy" in continuing to put in the work... Plus every thing he is asked to do reminds him he is not the person he used to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Well you can't fix lazy. You can't make him be consistent or genuine either. It has to come from within himself. It amounts to a lack of motivation on his part. That's tragic, considering HE is the one that put your relationship in jeopardy in the first place. 

Some of it is what he does/doesn't do, and some of it is what you continue to accept.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> " A man is only as good as his WORDS. If his word is no good....."
> Then what?
> 
> 
> > This is bang on. If you expect your husband to lie and say that he misses you because he hasn't seen you in 3 hours (the horror!) then where does it end? Should he also lie and say that you're beautiful even when you're wearing ratty clothes that shrunk in the wash and have that weird muffin top effect? Should he lie about how happy he is or isn't? Wanting him to constantly lie to you makes it harder to know what he's thinking because then you don't know what's real and what is a lie. One of these times he'll say a genuine compliment and you'll ignore it because it sounds just like the empty compliments he says on all of the other days.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I thought I would be. I can only say that had he offered that sentiment of his own accord it would have meant the world. I know he did what I asked but in retrospect I wanted to hear it because he felt it, not because he was ticking it off on his list.
> 
> I guess I have to face facts that it is not going to come from him spontaneously. That's mine to deal with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You said elsewhere that he does do things to show you that he loves you and that he's very sweet about it. You also said he won't give you what you want - quality time - and that you feel insecure because he had an EA at some point.

I get it. 

However, if I paraphrase what you're saying, it looks like this, "My husband shows me love in lots of ways, but because he doesn't do it my way, I'm unhappy." This makes me want to ask if he accepts your influence on other things - whether it's where to eat dinner or to make a big purchase he's been considering.

While it *is* important to have influence with our partner, it's also true that sometimes we should be satisfied with a relationship that meets 80% of what we want.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> You said elsewhere that he does do things to show you that he loves you and that he's very sweet about it. You also said he won't give you what you want - quality time - and that you feel insecure because he had an EA at some point.
> 
> I get it.
> 
> ...


OK to be clear, what I am saying is my H shows me love _in the ways he thinks I should like._ He does things he decides I should like and for whatever reason that I have not yet worked out, he goes out of his way to avoid showing me love in ways I *would* like.

I allmost want to use the term "bait and switch." He uses the excuse that couples who have been together for years just do not act like that any more, like making plans to spend time together, or be affectionate outside of the bedroom.

He runs things on his rules. If I want something then I am being demanding, needy or am never happy. He neglects to see that I get unhappy because he disregards my feelings consistently. I spend time trying to make him happy and make his life easier and even then I don't get it right.

I can't win.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He uses the excuse that couples who have been together for years just do not act like that any more, like making plans to spend time together, or be affectionate outside of the bedroom


Seems to me this is the fundamental issue you both have. On this point you don't agree with his views whatsoever.

Not accepting his viewpoint is one thing... solving the issue is another. You have to both be on the same page. You both have to be willing to meet in the middle of your views on what you want your marriage to look like.

Are you willing to meet in the middle? Is he? Have you brought it to him this way?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If he is only doing those things because you've asked and not because he wants to, then it's not genuine anyway. You're being controlling if you're trying to condition his behavior like this. You can tell him what you want. It is his choice to give it or not. Getting all worked up because he isn't giving it doesn't help your relationship. 

Go spend your energy on things that are fun and fulfilling to you. You're expecting your H to be the provider of your happiness and that kind if pressure will ruin your relationship. You need more independence. Your H will be more attracted to you and try to please you more if you're not so clingy or desperate for his attention, which is how your post sounds. I'm sorry to say it so bluntly but do yourself a favor and snap out of it!

If after time he doesn't try at all in the ways that matter to you, go to MC. If that fails, leave him and find someone who wants you enough to make the effort you ate seeking.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Whilst I appreciate the advice, I am going to be honest and say yes I AM insecure and needy at times. That is what him having an EA does! I refuse to pretend I am "OK" when I am not. This is what our counselor had me work on when we did MC. He has also articulated that if I want something then I need to be direct in asking for it.

I must say I do not constantly nag him about this stuff. I literally mentioned this texting stuff twice: once when I initially asked may be 3/4 weeks ago and the other day via text.

I should also say that he has told me a handfull of times that I am not on his list of priorities for his day. And I quite honestly mean he has run through his day and said all he wants to do after stuff is done and the kids are asleep is kick back with a beer. He doesn't want to have to think of anything else. He will quite literally go all evening without touching me at ALL and will grunt a reply if I try to strike up a conversation yet if he starts to talk and I do the same then I am in a mood and he *****es about it.

Example. He came back from work after having a tooth out. He could feel the anesthesia wearing off and was looking for painkillers. He was talking about it to me whilst I was doing the dishes. Normally I would fuss but I didn't and decided to adopt his manner of just appearing to listen without actually talking. He said I "didn't care" and I wasn't bothered at all. I simply said I was just acting the way he did towards me when I talk to him and welcome to my world. He shut up and walked off.

A few weeks ago I had minor surgery. I had a biopsy taken for a particular kind of cancer that my mom had. The symptoms I had been having were very similar and I was very anxious. A few times I spoke with my H about it, being worried about the results. He never really said much but acted like I was worrying unnecessarily.

I got the news the sample was benign. I showed H the letter and he said "oh... Were you still worrying about that?" Um yes I was LIKE I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU I WAS SCARED I HAD CANCER. I thought about it most of the time LIKE I TOLD YOU. **** do you REALLY FORGET your spouse is worrying about having cancer?

Yes that showed how much he takes notice of what I say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

It has only been fairly recently I have realized that the "talks" do not work. I can repeatedly tell him what I need but that does not mean he will either do it at all or continue to once he has shown initial willing. Sounds crazy right? I really thought if I kept bringing up these things he was not doing then eventually he would do them. I am in some mourning I think. I feel sad that some stuff which is quite inconsequential and easy to do is seemingly just too much for him to even remember. I just need to work out how to deal with that.

I don't look to him to make me happy per se... More I look to him to consistently actively show he is in this 100%. To do stuff to show he is trustworthy in certain "triggery" situations. He has pushed my boundaries a number of times and I have had to deal with that. I really do not ask for much or anything spectacular or am controlling. 

I have worked on myself a lot. I have picked up on my own issues and also things my H has mentioned that are a turn off. I took up a sport earlier this year which has interested me a lot and I have made a lot of new friends whixh gets me out of the house at least twice a week plus the social side that goes with it. I am workung on stretching my horizons more by way of confidence in myself and trying to have more self sufficiency.

The thing is it quite literally looks to me that he won't be totally happy untill we essentially have near enough separate lives. Kinda like how it is when you are first dating. Only there wouldn't be dates but we would sit and watch tv.

For me I have just stopped planning anything or talking to him much beyond the daily necessities.

I don't tell him important stuff any more because he so often claims I have never told him and that I am lying about having ever mentioned it. I will recount the 'when', 'where' and 'what' exactly and he will still say I never told him.

I don't start conversations because he usually doesn't bother continuing it or take much notice. No matter ifhis attention isn't on other stuff.

I don't initiate anything sexual or rarely any kind of affection. He turned me down consistently for months and is really particular about being touched. Last night he patted his lap for me "because you like to rest your legs there" then after 1 MINUTE got up and walked off for a smoke. 

I don't wait up for him any more because he never goes to bed before 1am. He will never come to bed earlier with me.

Quite literally a week in our life involves seeing him for two or three hours in the evening where he doesn't really talk, touch or do much at all to interact. He will not make plans in the week for us as it is "too much hassle to get a sitter" and he is tired. Come Friday all of a sudden he is happy and making plans to meet his friend for beers. If I want any time it has to be midnight when he gets back.

Saturday he sleeps till at least 12. Refuses to get up any earlier so we can have trips out. We usually run errands in the afternoon then have dinner and once the littlest is in bed, he might work on something in the garage or come sit with me.

Sunday he gets up with the kids and dozes untill I get up when he dozes more. Usually for a couple hours we have relatives to sit so we can have some time for us. We go home, he wants to go straight to bed. After we go get food and he spends most of his time on his phone playing games or looking for stuff or making pkans for that night. Once we pick up the kids he wants them in bed so he can get ready to go meet his friend for beers again.

Earlier he texted saying that I *would* get the early night he promised me (on Tuesday). This is the kind of message I get when I have just left him alone for days. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

With his demeanor it's a wonder he even had an EA at all. He seems so emotionally detached from you as a person.

Curiouser and curiouser.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

He has low self esteem. He often says I am too good for him. I guess when a pretty thing showed him interest he thought hey! There's someone else who likes me. And it fed his ego.

I don't claim that my reality is his. I KNOW he sees things differently. Like, that time we sit together in the evenings or when we run errands. For him that IS his quality time. If we go doing stuff all afternoon Saturday, I look forward to our time after the kids are in bed. To him he has been with me all day and I should be happy with that. 

Same with the sexual rejection issue. I remember months of beung turned down most times I initiated and my esteem just being withered. He recalls hardly any of these instances and weirdly thinks I have made it up in my head I think? Again I give him concrete examples and he cannot remember or explains it away. He seems to have no understanding of how blunt he is and says I am too sensitive.

His latest thing is if I bring anything up then it's my hormones or I am on my period. Dismissed. I feel so disconbected from him and I have no idea what to do that I haven't allready done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> It has only been fairly recently I have realized that the "talks" do not work. I can repeatedly tell him what I need but that does not mean he will either do it at all or continue to once he has shown initial willing. Sounds crazy right? I really thought if I kept bringing up these things he was not doing then eventually he would do them. I am in some mourning I think. I feel sad that some stuff which is quite inconsequential and easy to do is seemingly just too much for him to even remember. I just need to work out how to deal with that.
> 
> I don't look to him to make me happy per se... More I look to him to consistently actively show he is in this 100%. To do stuff to show he is trustworthy in certain "triggery" situations. He has pushed my boundaries a number of times and I have had to deal with that. I really do not ask for much or anything spectacular or am controlling.
> 
> ...


How's his interaction with the kids? It sounds like to him they are something you take turns with handing off like a nagging chore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He has low self esteem. He often says I am too good for him. I guess when a pretty thing showed him interest he thought hey! There's someone else who likes me. And it fed his ego.


It still doesn't make sense. Where was the emotional attachment? An EA requires time and effort, which he clearly doesn't have for you from what you describe. Some type of an investment of him on an emotional level had to be made for it to go on, or it wouldn't have happened.

I'm sorry, I don't want to open old wounds for you... that's not my intent. I'm trying to probe into what it is that motivated him (besides her being pretty and showing him interest) because I'm sure you meet those qualifications. He did marry you after all.

What's his deal?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Angel, he has said if there is something I want him to do then I need to keep reminding him of it or he will forget. Then he turns it on me: he didn't do it because I didn't remind him.

The best is a recent example. We agreed that because he has to go from his office to different locations, he would keep me informed as it is possible the OW may be working where he is.

He mostly does not bother. I bring it up periodically. Last week he told me that if I had a need to know then I should phone up his manager each morning and find out where he was that day. And he wasn't even kidding. He did not see it as his responsibility but as mine so he did not have to worry about remembering to do it himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

A Bit Much I see where you are going. I immediately thought that it was hugely because SHE was very forward. He did not approach her or make the initial moves so really he didn't have to do much.

They had lots in common and I gather she is quite self confident. She has a single thirties woman's life style with lots of physical sports and activities and holidays and my take has allways been she represented a certain kind of life style with little of the commitments he presently has.

He really just liked being admired and appreciated some more. I think she actually invested more in it than he wver really did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Did you reconcile with him right after you found out about the EA? And how did you find out?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> How's his interaction with the kids? It sounds like to him they are something you take turns with handing off like a nagging chore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's actually great with them. Really good father. Just wish he made more use of the free time he has to do stuff with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> A Bit Much I see where you are going. I immediately thought that it was hugely because SHE was very forward. He did not approach her or make the initial moves so really he didn't have to do much.
> 
> They had lots in common and I gather she is quite self confident. She has a single thirties woman's life style with lots of physical sports and activities and holidays and my take has allways been she represented a certain kind of life style with little of the commitments he presently has.
> 
> ...


Not trying to be cruel, but I think he finds himself in a lifestyle he doesn't want. He wants the 20's lifestyle - work, tinker with a hobby, go for beers, sleep in. If a woman can tag along on his terms great. If not, leave me alone. 
What were circumstances of kid's birth? Surprise pregnancy? If too personal - just ignore, but he sounds like he wanted the kidless carefree live, not the family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Did you reconcile with him right after you found out about the EA? And how did you find out?


I found out about the EA after he had ended it. He was adamant he wanted to work on us and I did too.

I found out accidentally. In retrospect there were red flags but I did not "see" them. I found a text on his phone in his "sent" when I was trying to retrieve an old text I had sent on his phone that I needed. It wasn't crystal clear but said enough for me to think hang on, and a lot came together when I thought about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Not trying to be cruel, but I think he finds himself in a lifestyle he doesn't want. He wants the 20's lifestyle - work, tinker with a hobby, go for beers, sleep in. If a woman can tag along on his terms great. If not, leave me alone.
> What were circumstances of kid's birth? Surprise pregnancy? If too personal - just ignore, but he sounds like he wanted the kidless carefree live, not the family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No not too personal. Have three children. Bit of a gap between the older two and the youngest but all planned after we married. 

It is hard cause I know he ended it then had trouble with NC. I think when I found out he suddenly realized how much and what he would lose and it snapped him partially out of his fog a great deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I found out about the EA after he had ended it. *He was adamant he wanted to work on us* and I did too.
> 
> I found out accidentally. In retrospect there were red flags but I did not "see" them. I found a text on his phone in his "sent" when I was trying to retrieve an old text I had sent on his phone that I needed. It wasn't crystal clear but said enough for me to think hang on, and a lot came together when I thought about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I hate to say it but I'd call him out on that farce. Adamant? Where's the sense of urgency now? He seems to not give a rats ass about the state of your relationship, and just how unhappy you are.

I'd approach it in the manner of you being duped. Believing his sincere remorse over the EA and really wanting to work on his relationship was a mistake, because he shows you the complete opposite. What was the TRUE reason for him wanting to 'work' it out? I'll give you an idea... maybe he didn't end it, SHE did. He got dumped. 

A man that truly wants his marriage acts like it. Especially with an affair in his history. He owes it to you to show you he's all in 100%.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> No not too personal. Have three children. Bit of a gap between the older two and the youngest but all planned after we married.
> 
> It is hard cause I know he ended it then had trouble with NC. *I think when I found out he suddenly realized how much and what he would lose and it snapped him partially out of his fog a great deal.*_Posted via Mobile Device_


Where's that now? 

You may have made it too easy for him to reconcile. He may lack respect for you for it too. Maybe that's where the 'you're too good for me' comment comes from. He knows he doesn't deserve your forgiveness with this.

He didn't do much work to get you back.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Where's that now?
> 
> You may have made it too easy for him to reconcile. He may lack respect for you for it too. Maybe that's where the 'you're too good for me' comment comes from. He knows he doesn't deserve your forgiveness with this.
> 
> He didn't do much work to get you back.


I may have done. In retrospect I would do things differently but they are done now. I do remember when it first came out, he alluded to the respect thing when we had a conversation about it and I posed the question, what did HE think I should do if he were me?

He said then, have some respect for yourself and end it.

He has never said anything about it since but it sticks in my mind.

I believe from where I am standing that he actually believes that having talked through it so many times, and going to MC, that he has done his "bit". I have said many times before that he thinks "moving on from it" is just never bringing it up ever again. I hear the audible sigh when something arises. I certainly cannot say he has done nothing because he was very conscientious during MC once he got in to it.

And I have a pretty good idea of what went on as I heard it from her, talking to me via text thinking I was him. I remember I got slated by a couple of people on here for doing it but it got me the closure I needed of thinking if there was more (ie a full blown PA.) There wasn't.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I posed the question, what did HE think I should do if he were me?
> 
> He said then, have some respect for yourself and end it.


Well that's it then. The longer you two stay together and the more you 'try' with him the less he respects you for it. It's been too easy. And yes, MC probably felt like enough for him to do... and it's evident because there you are. 

He never experienced any consequences for his actions.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Well that's it then. The longer you two stay together and the more you 'try' with him the less he respects you for it. It's been too easy. And yes, MC probably felt like enough for him to do... and it's evident because there you are.
> 
> He never experienced any consequences for his actions.


He says knowing I do not completely trust him is consequence for his actions. That he has upset me and hurt me. I know he feels guilty. He just doesn't like to be reminded of it.

The week gets better... He texted me this morning with his promise of having to give me that early night (from Tuesday) soon. When he got in from work he asked if I got the text. Yes. I remembered it a little wrong and recounted it as "the text that said you were promising me an early night tonight."

"Not tonight babe. My mouth is hurting like crazy. Sorry I've been a little off, it's cause of that." OK. I can see he is in pain.

I put the littley to bed and hear him go in the shower. Seriously? It is like clockwork. No matter how ill he is, even in hospital, we don't get to spend time together, come Friday evening he is miraculosly revving up for a couple of beers. Funny how that works. If I bring THAT up then I have deliberately waited and am **** testing him to see whether he will go out or stay in with me. I wouldn't ask because I wouldn't get priority even once a year. I kid you not. His beers get priority every week yet I can happily be shifted around.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> It has only been fairly recently I have realized that the "talks" do not work. I can repeatedly tell him what I need but that does not mean he will either do it at all or continue to once he has shown initial willing. Sounds crazy right? I really thought if I kept bringing up these things he was not doing then eventually he would do them. I am in some mourning I think. I feel sad that some stuff which is quite inconsequential and easy to do is seemingly just too much for him to even remember. I just need to work out how to deal with that.
> 
> I don't look to him to make me happy per se... More I look to him to consistently actively show he is in this 100%. To do stuff to show he is trustworthy in certain "triggery" situations. He has pushed my boundaries a number of times and I have had to deal with that. I really do not ask for much or anything spectacular or am controlling.
> 
> ...



You said and another thread that you often catch him *staring* at girls. 
Reading all you have written about your husband, I think he is not in love with you. At all. He seems cool where he stands, he has a roof over his head, a friend to spend the weekend with, a job.

About him texing you, I think it's not ok for you to "force" him to do it. You'll never know if he does it because he truly misses you or because he feels that he has to.

You mentioned beers a lot in this thread. Does he drink a lot? 
Is he taking any medication?
How old are your kids?

I don't understand why he sleeps late and does not take care of his family.

You are doing a great job working on yourself, keep going in that direction!


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Okay, read this link and see if it makes sense to you... I'm working on trying to figure out emotional needs of my wife and searching around for stuff to read up and came across this:

Emotional Safety What women want | emotional security | love and acceptance | Man of Emotional Integrity


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Mishy said:


> You said and another thread that you often catch him *staring* at girls.
> Reading all you have written about your husband, I think he is not in love with you. At all. He seems cool where he stands, he has a roof over his head, a friend to spend the weekend with, a job.
> 
> About him texing you, I think it's not ok for you to "force" him to do it. You'll never know if he does it because he truly misses you or because he feels that he has to.
> ...


Yeah he does stare at other girls. I feel embarrassed when I am with him. It never used to bother me pre-EA. Post EA it does. A lot.

With hindsight I agree about the texting. I should be honest with myself, that kind of sentiment he has never really expressed. I don't see a reason he would suddenly start now but I do not think that means anything in and of itself.

He drinks more than I would like. In the past year he has may be three times said he wonders if he has a drink problem. I am pretty cautious around this. I think he does. I step away from pressing him as I know any action has to come from him.

To describe, he drinks four beers every evening after work. At the weekend he has at LEAST four and usually a couple more. He rarely if ever has a day "off" drinking.

No meds.

The youngest is 3, the older two are 8 and 10.

He sleeps late because he is tired from the week (and probably a little to do with beer.) He is good with the kids and wishes he got more time with them but when the opportunity arises, sleep takes precedence.

It is crazy really. He could have all day Saturday and we could go out for the day and do fun stuff. Yet he never makes an exception. I remember last week I was sat with the littlest looking out the window on to the street. It was about 9am and a great day and there were parents packing up the car then going off out with the kids. There were people coming to pick up people to go out. There were siblings riding their bikes up and down the street with their dads helping the little ones. Dads out mowing the grass on the front, washing the car with the kids helping. I felt a twinge of sadness that he is wasting hours in bed.

He would say he genuinely is tired. I know he is. Yet he will not go to bed earlier in the week.

Thanks about the working on myself. I know that allthough I post a lot about what I am unhappy with, that I feed in to this dynamic. I genuinely feel I have been rather harsh in looking at myself (I mean that positively) and brutally honest in what I can work on.

I cannot say I have radically changed. But I have an awareness of these things and they are in my stream of conciousness. Some are more difficult and are a work in progress (challenging my comfort levels with confidence issues is one.) Others I have managed (improved my fitness by going to fitness classes, joined my sports group.)

It is a journey.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

WillK said:


> Okay, read this link and see if it makes sense to you... I'm working on trying to figure out emotional needs of my wife and searching around for stuff to read up and came across this:
> 
> Emotional Safety What women want | emotional security | love and acceptance | Man of Emotional Integrity


This is an interesting read! Have bookmarked it. Have been thinking about it in relation to the dynamic between me and H.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> Yeah he does stare at other girls. I feel embarrassed when I am with him. It never used to bother me pre-EA. Post EA it does. A lot.
> 
> With hindsight I agree about the texting. I should be honest with myself, that kind of sentiment he has never really expressed. I don't see a reason he would suddenly start now but I do not think that means anything in and of itself.
> 
> ...


He wants what he wants without putting forth any effort. He does not live like a family man. A Friday routine in the bar for a married man is sad. You're unhappy with him because he's an a$$hole. Leave him behind and live like he's not there. Stop asking him to join in - stop asking for anything. 180 him. Polite. If he's happy with that, you got your answer - he doesn't want family responsibility anymore. Or it shakes him up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> He wants what he wants without putting forth any effort. He does not live like a family man. A Friday routine in the bar for a married man is sad. You're unhappy with him because he's an a$$hole. Leave him behind and live like he's not there. Stop asking him to join in - stop asking for anything. 180 him. Polite. If he's happy with that, you got your answer - he doesn't want family responsibility anymore. Or it shakes him up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have asked him before, what has he done this week to show he loves me? To ease my insecurity post EA?

I am not looking for an extensive list or for him to 24/7 be thinking about these. Rather that he has been proactive in some demonstrable way. With the insecurity there are opportunities every day. He knows I do feel anxious about when he is at work. Easy as anything to fire off a text or make a quick call.

He would say he buys me chocolate, or ice cream. Yes that is sweet. But honestly viewed within a whole week, if the only thing he can say is that then that is sparse. I appreciate the sentiment but when you think we sit in relative silence five evenings a week and he doesn't reach out, talk or generally interact or respond to my interactions then it doesn't make the relationship does it?

I have stopped asking him to join in now. He keeps saying if I want to go do things then go do then: that I don't need him there. No I do not *need* him there. But the point is for family time I want him to be there. I do most of the kid stuff all week. The weekend is special because he is at home. And for a couple's evening out, yes he does kinda need to be there!

This week we have hardly interacted. I asked him this evening if we were "OK." "Yes" he replied. I could see the visible sigh and eye roll. I stopped there: I have just stopped having talks with him because I figure what is the point? Nothing changes. He knows how I feel.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I would really be interested to know how he views things. I understand to a degree certain aspects of how he sees certain parts of our relationship.

We went out a few weeks ago to go do climbing. Something we had both wanted to do for a while but was difficult to arrange round the kids.

We both enjoyed it. He was particularly good. I enjoyed it but not as skilled. Both agreed it was great to have the time for an activity to do together. Said if we went again he could do climbing and I would belay for him. He rarely gets to do hobby stuff so I was pleased he had found something he was really in to.

We talk about when we can go again. Again it is difficult around the kids. We leave it saying we will arrange something for another weekend.

Fast forward three or so weeks. It turns out he has provisionally arranged with at least two other people to go climbing the next time he goes, i.e. just him and them. I am hurt. Whilst I didn't think the activity was strictly "ours", I thought part of the draw for him was us two having something for just us. He's now talking about taking a day off work so he and a work colleague can go. Wow. Yet again I am dismissed. It is because it is difficult for me and him to go and get a sitter, yet if he goes with someone else I am with the kids so it is not a problem. Great.


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

Sounds a lot like my husband. Read my post: what am I worth? He sounds selfish. Sometimes all the little things add up to be a big problem. Is he really the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? If not than let him know that you are unhappy and don't want to live this way.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

WW--Our threads have crossed over the past few months and your story always brings me pause. Recent posters are elevating the stakes and I imagine that is unsettling for you. 

Let me just say that what you are asking for from your husband..to be cherished, valued, and treated like his lifelong partner and mother of his children, is more than reasonable. The simple question of how he has supported and shown love to you during the week should take ten minutes to list...not just sweet treats. He makes choices, be it drinking beer during family time or staying in bed and shortening family time, that exhibit a priority of things that may not put family first, and certainly not his wife.

There is a certain dependency that I sense in your words. The EA and its aftermath reinforce some of that. He may be able to do some things to make you a happier person but true contentment is something that comes from inside of you. Loving yourself, finding your true North, and pursuing your dreams with passion. Fear is a powerful emotion and can create a stifling paralysis. If you are unhappy with your situation, and you have a right to be, then change it. Commit to love yourself first. Improve yourself in every way and embrace the most fearful things first. Make small steps and don't worry about timelines but make sure you are always going forward. Make it a guiding light and at some point it will illuminate a pathway before you.

PS--Couple climbing sounds fantastic I wouldn't let it get away!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

The EA heightens your anxiety and makes you insecure - but - my H never had an affair and I would not be ok with him treating me the way your treats you. You don't need to be cheated on to be crushed when dismissed and put last on the list of priorities. There's nothing to do to change it. You've tried being pro-active, you've tried being emotional and you've tried being direct. Unless he hhas the intelligence of a rabbit, he is CHOOSING not to get it so he doesn't have to change beer night or sleep in or late night up. He's purposely not doing what you ask because he cares more about his needs on EVERYTHING than meeting your needs on one little thing. What are you getting out of this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

I personally think your expectation of reassurance is over the top, but his dismissive behavior is over the top as well. This whole thing seems broken beyond repair. 

I'm not suggesting anything, but what would happen if you started having an affair? Would he try to win you back? Test it


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

ShawnD said:


> I personally think your expectation of reassurance is over the top, but his dismissive behavior is over the top as well. This whole thing seems broken beyond repair.
> 
> I'm not suggesting anything, but what would happen if you started having an affair? Would he try to win you back? Test it


Ha well the thought has crossed my mind I will admit. I wouldn't actually do it. I know he has worried that I would cheat in revenge.

I think he would act very differently. I think at times he would allmost passively accept it as consequences. Would he fight for me? I cannot say with 100% conviction he would.

I guess I am not sure what to do now or how to handle things. At present I am responding to him but bot inutiating interaction. It feels very cool in here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> *Yeah he does stare at other girls. I feel embarrassed when I am with him.* It never used to bother me pre-EA. Post EA it does. A lot.
> 
> With hindsight I agree about the texting. I should be honest with myself, that kind of sentiment he has never really expressed. I don't see a reason he would suddenly start now but I do not think that means anything in and of itself.
> 
> ...


Wow. Thanks for answering my questions. It gives me a more complete description of how tough your situation is.

As others have said he's selfish. What kind of dad would sleep in instead of doing activities with his children?
My dad was never there during the week or weekends when I was a kid. I had big troubles with my self-esteem and socializing with other people growing up because of it. Do not let this happen to your kids too!

If he's tired at the end of the day he can go to bed early and be less tired on the weekend. 
Clearly alcohol is a problem here and is interfering with his sleep and the routine of the rest of the family.

Why not try to break this "circle" and involve him in some family activity on saturday morning?Like biking or going camping with the kids? Why he never makes an exception?
Do you have any kind of leverage?Like planning a camping trip with other relatives or friends or other families on saturday so he can't say no so easily?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I think he justifies the sleeping in because he is quite "present" when he gets up. The trouble is he will he planning stuff to go do at 2pm. Does not leave us much time to enjoy the day. He will drive us somewhere but by the time we get there everything is closing up. It has been a long time since we have had a proper family day out. I stopped suggesting stuff because either he didn't like the idea or he didn't get up for ages and we would all be ready waiting around.

His latest thing has annoyed me no end. Having brought up his sleeping in, he has said if I give up my Sunday morning sports practise, he will get up earlier on Saturdays for days out. He neglects to remember that BEFORE I started practice he would never get up anyway... I just do not believe he would do it and frankly I am upset he would try and manipulate me like that.

We talked earlier. I am not sure whether it was progress or not. He listened but seems to have a massive gap where his empathy should go.

He still does not recollect turning me down so much. Alludes to saying he thinks I have crafted the story as something to have a dig at him about because I was upset he turned me down a couple of times for genuine reasons. Says I should just say when I want it. I do not trust him enough to feel comfortable doing this.

Claims to have not noticed the areas where I have withdrawn my efforts. I guess this shows I was expending energy needlessly here. In particular I stopped staying up late with him, initiating and texting or calling him at work. That was an exercise in futility but not saying that is on him. Obviously these things just aren't that important to him.

We will have some time later to chat but I still feel very disconnected from him. It is crushing when I tell him how his constant rejections destroyed my esteem and ask him, does it not bother you that your wife does not feel comfortable enough to initiate and he has this frozen look like he has just realized that this is quite important but he has no idea what to say so he awkwardly shrugs.

And so it goes on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I think he justifies the sleeping in because he is quite "present" when he gets up. The trouble is he will he planning stuff to go do at 2pm. Does not leave us much time to enjoy the day. He will drive us somewhere but by the time we get there everything is closing up. It has been a long time since we have had a proper family day out. I stopped suggesting stuff because either he didn't like the idea or he didn't get up for ages and we would all be ready waiting around.
> 
> His latest thing has annoyed me no end. Having brought up his sleeping in, he has said if I give up my Sunday morning sports practise, he will get up earlier on Saturdays for days out. He neglects to remember that BEFORE I started practice he would never get up anyway... I just do not believe he would do it and frankly I am upset he would try and manipulate me like that.
> 
> ...



To me he sounds like he doesn't take/want any responsibility.

From what you say he's fine with the "status quo" because there are no negative sides for him. He still get his beers, goes out with his friend, sleeps in when he likes.

Him asking you to give up your Sunday activity to be available on Saturday is totally BS! *It's his duty as a father!* He has to do it for the kids and family first! He's just turning the whole thing on you because he knows he can "win".

Why don't you go with the kids and maybe a friend or other relative leaving him home? Your kids need to have a "normal" weekend.

I can understand (to a point) being disconnected from your spouse but the family should be taken care of and be priority in any marriage.

Is he depressed? Alcohol is a huge red flag. 

Was he any different before (referring to sleeping in on saturdays..etc)?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Mishy said:


> To me he sounds like he doesn't take/want any responsibility.
> 
> From what you say he's fine with the "status quo" because there are no negative sides for him. He still get his beers, goes out with his friend, sleeps in when he likes.
> 
> ...


He allways liked his sleep a lot. Earlier when we were dating and first married, he would sleep in but not as long. Like any normal person would at the weekend, like untill 10am or a little later. When we had our first it started to get longer and longer very gradually. I used to get annoyed. It continued from there.

Let me say, I know his job can tire him out. I am not ignorant of that fact and I sympathize. However he does not do himself any favors by going to bed so late and not looking after himself.

I do not know if he would be clinically depressed. Fair to say he is not happy particularly in his work which is very stressfull and he is given a workload that reflects his experience and skill level but is not given the pay or status that goes with it because his employers really take advantage in the guise that they cannot afford it. No pay rise for five years.

We had a big blow out this weekend like I mentioned in my last post. We talked again some more later. It has been pretty hard but I think we made some headway. He did mention one area where I could step up a little more, which is good with me. If I am to take him at his word he feels a lot for me but just does not verbalize it. I said well this would be a good time to start!

I have seen an initial willing on his part so we shall see. I guess now I need to know what my plan is should this not pan out because I am at the point where I cannot go through another cycle of waiting, waiting then resentment as he does not deliver then another huge argument.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He did mention one area where I could step up a little more, which is good with me. If I am to take him at his word he feels a lot for me but just does not verbalize it


I honestly don't believe him. I think it's more of the same.


It's not what he says, it's what he DOES. Love is a verb. His actions don't match what he tells you, and to be honest, him telling you what you could do to step up in this relationship is condescending. He has the EA, but YOU need to do some work for him to what? Stay interested? Involved? Be present? Spend time with you?

As I said before, he owes you. Not the other way around. And he needs to be on task for however long it takes for you to trust him again. He's not doing that, he's putting YOU to work instead.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

You are right. Of course you are *smacks head on table*

I accepted what he said as I felt it was a valid point he brought up about a particular thing I could help out more with. On it's own, well yeah he is right. In the context of that conversation... It really has nothing to do with the issues at hand. 

He also said he did not want me to let what happened rule us and he wants us to move forward. Well it IS rulung us. I am very frustrated now thinking about it. I have repeatedly told him what I need. I actually feel incenced. 

Still, he knows what I need. If he does not get it this time... I am going to either insist on another round of MC... or leave. I do not know which yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And how long will you give him this time? 

Another round of MC... I have reservations about that, but I'll let you respond to the question first.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I would really be interested to know how he views things. I understand to a degree certain aspects of how he sees certain parts of our relationship.
> 
> We went out a few weeks ago to go do climbing. Something we had both wanted to do for a while but was difficult to arrange round the kids.
> 
> ...


I sounds to me like YOU need to start focusing on YOU!! He is obviously focusing on him. Stop pestering this guy so much for "his feelings", "are we OK?", etc. Stop doing all of the work in your relationship with him. Learn to MIRROR what he does. He is obviously turned off with your questioning, insecurity.....hence the eye rolling. Let him go climbing with his friends. When he returns, let him keep the kids while you go shopping or whatever it is that you want to do. Get yourself busy, so that ...... yeah he has time to miss you.

In your OP, you said that you wanted him to text you all the time that he misses you. Why are you telling him WHAT to say? You should have instead said something to the effect that you just want some communication via txt from him throughout the day, if he has time - not sure how busy he is at work. Let HIM figure out what to say to you, instead of telling him what you want to hear.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I honestly don't believe him. I think it's more of the same.
> 
> 
> It's not what he says, it's what he DOES. Love is a verb. His actions don't match what he tells you, and to be honest, him telling you what you could do to step up in this relationship is condescending. He has the EA, but YOU need to do some work for him to what? Stay interested? Involved? Be present? Spend time with you?
> ...


:iagree:




walkingwounded said:


> I do not know if he would be clinically depressed. Fair to say he is not happy particularly in his work which is very stressfull and he is given a workload that reflects his experience and skill level but is not given the pay or status that goes with it because his employers really take advantage in the guise that they cannot afford it. No pay rise for five years.
> 
> 
> We had a big blow out this weekend like I mentioned in my last post. We talked again some more later. It has been pretty hard but I think we made some headway. He did mention one area where I could step up a little more, which is good with me. If I am to take him at his word he feels a lot for me but just does not verbalize it. I said well this would be a good time to start!
> ...


About his job: he should get over it. There are people out there that are in the same or worse position. That should NOT be an excuse to play the "poor me" guy and not take care of his wife and family.

This is how I see it:

You: good wife, in love with husband and willing to do anything to save marriage and family even if HE's the one that had an EA.You believe (and I don't blame you) him when he makes promises and promises to fix things and you fall in his "trap" every time, so he can procrastinate.


Him: not in love with you, not sure if he will fight for his marriage and family. He talks a lot about getting things fixed but never COMMIT to that. 


It seems to me that you've tried lots of ways to get out of this situation, but none of it works. 
Maybe it's time for a big decision.

If instead you guys choose to go MC again I think you would both would benefit if going also to IC (him mostly IMHO).


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> And how long will you give him this time?
> 
> Another round of MC... I have reservations about that, but I'll let you respond to the question first.


I do not know yet how long. I have been thinking about it but not reached a decision yet.



southern wife said:


> I sounds to me like YOU need to start focusing on YOU!! He is obviously focusing on him. Stop pestering this guy so much for "his feelings", "are we OK?", etc. Stop doing all of the work in your relationship with him. Learn to MIRROR what he does. He is obviously turned off with your questioning, insecurity.....hence the eye rolling. Let him go climbing with his friends. When he returns, let him keep the kids while you go shopping or whatever it is that you want to do. Get yourself busy, so that ...... yeah he has time to miss you.
> 
> In your OP, you said that you wanted him to text you all the time that he misses you. Why are you telling him WHAT to say? You should have instead said something to the effect that you just want some communication via txt from him throughout the day, if he has time - not sure how busy he is at work. Let HIM figure out what to say to you, instead of telling him what you want to hear.


What you said southern wife... He is turned off by my questioning and insecurity... I AM insecure so I question him. I DO feel like he owes me to keep building up what he knocked down. I guess the more he does not do that, the more I had been asking. I did cut it right down though as I did realize it wasn't accomplishing an awfull lot.



Mishy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


About the job. It is the stress of being put in charge of expensive projects when he is effectively "just" a skilled laborer. He is doing the work of someone at least a couple of rungs up the ladder, who would get paid accordingly to reflect the responsibility he carries. He comes home worrying about remembering who goes where, what equipment and goods need to be brought to site the next day and this plays a huge part. It plays on his mind and this contributes. I feel annoyed for him because it is not fair but he needs to find a way to switch off.

His reasoning for not carrying through with the promises he makes is... he isn't perfect and he forgets. That we think differently. If I were him I'd have it tattooed on the inside of my eyelids so I did not forget! I feel so hurt when he says he *forgets.* How can he forget to do something so important as work on his marriage?

I have committed to giving him this chance but if this doesn't work out then I will insist on MC. I had not thought about IC but would consider it.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> About the job. It is the stress of being put in charge of expensive projects when he is effectively "just" a skilled laborer. He is doing the work of someone at least a couple of rungs up the ladder, who would get paid accordingly to reflect the responsibility he carries. He comes home worrying about remembering who goes where, what equipment and goods need to be brought to site the next day and this plays a huge part. It plays on his mind and this contributes. I feel annoyed for him because it is not fair but he needs to find a way to switch off.


I sympathize with your husband. I used to for for a company where my direct supervisor was in a similar position as your husband, plus he was driving almost 100 miles every day to get to work. He was not happy about the situation but he tried to get out the best of it and was not an excuse for him to be not available to his wife and family. I actually learned a lot from him and I am still in contact with him.
My point is: sometimes we can't change work dynamics so we have to adapt and try not be affected by it. Otherwise we risk of being miserable for a good part of our life. 

It's very sad what you say about him "forgetting" things. It's like he's trying to hide stuff to avoid consequences/responsibilities.


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