# She loves me but...



## R10

I found out my wife of 14 years was having a PA 2 weeks ago. Long story, but he was an old flame who a few months ago had made his way back into her life, unbeknownst to me. Anyway, the marriage was broken before the affair, and we both know that, but now I would like to reconcile and she has said she wants to as well. 

We met with our pastor and things seemed to be going well since d-day; I am working on my shortcomings as is she. However, yesterday, she said she doesn't know if she wants the marriage. She's confused. She said she loves me, which I do not doubt, but she also loves him and he promised her the world; much more than I can provide. How can I compete with that?

I don't know what to do. I want to keep her, but part of me wants to let her go because I love her and I want her to be happy. I believe that if she doesn't go, she will always second-guess her decision and wonder how it would have been and I will always be 2nd on her mind.

How can I get past this?? It is killing me!

Thoughts? Advice? HHHHEEELLLLPPP!!!!!


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## PBear

Is he out of the picture? How are you sure?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## R10

She told me that when I found out, she had a long conversation with him as to what she was going to do and that if she chose me, that was final; he was not to contact her. I am confident they have not been in communication.


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## PBear

Again, how do you know? All you have to do is look through the threads in here to see how often a spouse is "sure" that the affair is over, only to find out it's just gone underground. The fact that she's in MC but wishy/washy about working on the marriage is a big red flag. 

I know you're "sure"... But I bet if we asked you a year ago if you thought she'd cheat on you, you'd say that you were sure she'd never do that, either. 

Part of reconciling/remorse for what she's done should include all expectations of privacy, especially when it comes to communication. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Sounds like they are still in communication if she is still waffling.

You have ZERO chance at reconciliation as long as that is the case.


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## R10

Let's say she is not. What would you do if you were me?


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## PBear

What would I do? You're still very early in. If you feel she's still making an honest effort to work with you on fixing things, including the issues that were issues before the affair, it would make sense to try to work through things. If she's not making an effort, or if you don't feel you want to keep trying, I'd talk to a lawyer. 

Kids?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

R10 said:


> Let's say she is not. What would you do if you were me?


Put a key logger on her computer.

Demand total transparency from her. She gives you her phone on demand and all her passwords.

From this point on stop talking about reconcilliation with her. Start moving on with your life. Tell her until she proves she is no longer in contact with him that the marriage is on hold. 

If she continues to vacillate, ask her to pack her bags and move out. Tell her you will be glad to help her pack. 

Hide a VAR under the front seat of her car to catch phone conversations. 

Have her right a "no contact" e-mail to her lover stating they are over and he is not to contact her. 

Find out where his wife is and notify her of the affair. Chances are she is in the dark. 

Set up a time to go see a divorce lawyer next week. Most give free consults and LEARN YOUR RIGHTS. Bring the divorce paperwork home and start filling it out. Let her see you filling it out. 

Send a PM to Deejo and ask hi to move this thread to Coping With Infidelity.


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## Jellybeans

R10 said:


> Let's say she is not. What would you do if you were me?


Tell her it's either you or him.

One person cannot make a marriage work alone.


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## Hope1964

Pack up her bags and escort her to the door with a smile on your face, then change the locks.


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## R10

PBear said:


> What would I do? You're still very early in. If you feel she's still making an honest effort to work with you on fixing things, including the issues that were issues before the affair, it would make sense to try to work through things. If she's not making an effort, or if you don't feel you want to keep trying, I'd talk to a lawyer.
> 
> Kids?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From my perspective, I see she is putting in a "so-so" effort. My biggest thorn is that she is not remorseful of the affair; hence the "so-so" effort. I have told her that I don't believe we can move forward without it. She simply says she doesn't know how to answer that.

In all honesty, I was not the best husband in the months leading up to D-Day. But in hindsight, I was only that way because I could see our marriage crumbling and she didn't care. How could she; she was busy being wooed. I don't blame myself for the affair, but I do take responsibility for my part in breaking the marriage; it has been broken for some time. 

Yes, we have an 11 year old son who is the sweetest thing you'll ever meet. Yes I'm biased, but I have received many compliments on his behavior and respectfulness from others. 

He is my biggest concern. I don't want him around the OM. What kind of morals will he learn from him?


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## R10

Hope1964 said:


> Pack up her bags and escort her to the door with a smile on your face, then change the locks.


If I do that, I will only be pushing her into his arms. I obviously did it before, and I don't want to it again! I want her to stay!

I won't be a sucker though. The "fool me once" saying applies here. If I find out she is still in communication with him; it's over. No question.


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## PBear

If you're not getting remorse from her, I'd make the decision for her. Go talk to a lawyer, find out your next steps, and send her on her way. Do not move out of the house. Find out from the lawyer if infidelity is a factor in your divorce and what proof is required if it is. Do not confront her with your plans until you're ready to act. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## R10

PBear said:


> If you're not getting remorse from her, I'd make the decision for her. Go talk to a lawyer, find out your next steps, and send her on her way. Do not move out of the house. Find out from the lawyer if infidelity is a factor in your divorce and what proof is required if it is. Do not confront her with your plans until you're ready to act.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has apologized and she genuinely feels bad and guilty for her actions, but no remorse.


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## that_girl

You cant force her to stay even if you simply don't kick her out.

If she goes to the OM, then that was HER CHOICE. And maybe that's something she wishes you'd do (kick her out/be done) so she doesn't have to be the bad guy.

If she wants to stay with you, and you tell her to leave, she will move mountains to stay.


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## R10

that_girl said:


> And maybe that's something she wishes you'd do (kick her out/be done) so she doesn't have to be the bad guy.


I've had that feeling myself.


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## Iver

What are her plans with the OM? Get a place together or live separately? 

How does your son fit in here? Split custody? Does he know about the OM? 

Is the OM someone who is you think is safe around your son as well?


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## Hope1964

When I kicked my husband out, he realized exactly what he'd done, and THAT was what decided it for him to do everything within his power to save the relationship, and show true remorse. It's a fallacy that by kicking a cheater out, you're just pushing them into their lovers arms. If that's where they end up, that's where they planned to be all along.


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## R10

Iver said:


> What are her plans with the OM? Get a place together or live separately?
> 
> How does your son fit in here? Split custody? Does he know about the OM?
> 
> Is the OM someone who is you think is safe around your son as well?


I believe he owns his own home; not sure. No, my son does not know about him and I don't know the OM well enough to judge whether or not my son is safe around him. 

I haven't even begun to think about split custody or whatnot. Uggghhh...


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## R10

Hope1964 said:


> If that's where they end up, that's where they planned to be all along.


That's what I'm afraid of...


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## that_girl

Not acting because of fear is no good.

The truth does set you free even if it's crap for a while.

You are afraid she will go because you know she will go. Let her go. It doesn't make you a bad man. It makes her a lying cheater.


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## Hope1964

R10 said:


> That's what I'm afraid of...


This should not make you fearful, it should make you MAD!!!


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## Hope1964

Moxiesbuddy said:


> it sounds like you're both willing to value your relationship


What the heck thread have you been reading??? He himself says his wife isn't even remorseful.

The advice you've given is just encouraging him to continue living in misery.


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## zillard

R10 said:


> Let's say she is not. What would you do if you were me?


Make sure. 

And make sure AGAIN.

And consider nothing BUT divorce until she helps me do that.


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## phillybeffandswiss

R10 said:


> If I do that, I will only be pushing her into his arms. I obviously did it before, and I don't want to it again! I want her to stay!


 She was already in his arms and is, in my opinion, still there. The fact she said "if" gives the other guy hope. Actually, it works on both of you. See how you have accepted blame and don't want your child around the other man?

Basically, what you are putting on the man applies to your wife. Her morals are just as bad as his, worse because you married and know her.



> it sounds like you're both willing to value your relationship


Really? 

By telling both guys, "if it works out, it is over."


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## aug

R10 said:


> I found out my wife of 14 years was having a PA 2 weeks ago. Long story, but he was an old flame who a few months ago had made his way back into her life, unbeknownst to me. Anyway, the marriage was broken before the affair, and we both know that, but now I would like to reconcile and she has said she wants to as well.
> 
> We met with our pastor and things seemed to be going well since d-day; I am working on my shortcomings as is she. However, yesterday, she said she doesn't know if she wants the marriage. She's confused. She said she loves me, which I do not doubt, but she also loves him and he promised her the world; much more than I can provide. How can I compete with that?
> 
> I don't know what to do. I want to keep her, but part of me wants to let her go because I love her and I want her to be happy. I believe that if she doesn't go, she will always second-guess her decision and wonder how it would have been and I will always be 2nd on her mind.
> 
> How can I get past this?? It is killing me!
> 
> Thoughts? Advice? HHHHEEELLLLPPP!!!!!





R10 said:


> She has apologized and she genuinely feels bad and guilty for her actions, but no remorse.




I think you reconciled too quick without her paying any consequences for her cheating. 

Forgiveness given too readily is generally not appreciated.

"Feels bad but no remorse" means she'll do it again.


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## Mr Blunt

Has she told you why she is not remorseful?

If she is not remorseful then there must be something that she is still attracted to or she feels that the betrayal had some good in it for her.



*If that is the case then if I was you I would tell her in a very calm, stern, and concerning way that you will give her a certain time to make you number one man without any desires for the OM or any good that she may think was in the affair*. Tell her that you will help her in any way but that you are not going to initiate anything but that she must take the initiate to get to where she is remorseful for betraying you, her God, and her child.

*You need to make a plan for your self that includes you building yourself up and improving in areas of your life.* I would suggest that you diligently go to work on yourself; not because you caused her to commit adultery but because you need to build yourself back up after being hit with betrayal. You maybe tempted to run to try and help your wife with her problems but right now you are your priority. Beside there is absolutely nothing you can do to make your wife remorseful. 

Whatever “short coming” you feel that you had in the past; in your plan you can also work on them. Your wife totally owns her adultery but if she gains in remorsefulness then she will probably be attracted to you as a more confident improved man.

In addition, in your plan you should also prepare yourself for divorce or at least a separation. The reason that I have suggested the plan is because I doubt that you will be able to live with any memory she may have of the affair that would put you in second place. *I know of no man that can have a good marriage when he is in 2nd place to any other man in any way.*

If you build yourself up and improve yourself you will be much better able to handle reconciliation or a divorce. You will not be able to help yourself, your child, or your wife if you remain devastated. *When you build yourself up you will much better able to help your child and your wife is she wants you to.*


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## Stretch

Same disease, same prescription.

180 and No Contact(NC)

How do you like being Plan B?

Harsh words because I want you to heal and thrive.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## nickgtg

If you stood your ground and she chose him over you, why would you even want her? You don't want a woman whose heart doesn't belong to you. 

It's simple, you or him and she needs to immediately cease all contact. if she shows no remorse, well then that's a deal breaker for me. No remorse = not sorry for what she did.


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## honcho

R10 said:


> If I do that, I will only be pushing her into his arms. I obviously did it before, and I don't want to it again! I want her to stay!
> 
> I won't be a sucker though. The "fool me once" saying applies here. If I find out she is still in communication with him; it's over. No question.


No you did not drive her to the OM, you must understand this first. Whatever weakness or faults you had in the marriage didnt justify her cheating. 

Whether or not she is still in contact with him, she still has feelings for him. She is still emotionally attached to him and until that ends she might give a so-so effort to reconciling with you. Until she is ready to fully commit to the marriage you wont get anywhere in R. Its takes a great deal of effort of both parties.


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