# Any guys have been left outside of a Victoria's Secret?



## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

I have a question, mostly for the guys, but ladies, feel free to jump in too if this situation has ever happened to you!!

Saturday, my 14 year old daughter, myself, and my husband take off for a fun day at the mall, then a movie. We get to the mall and everything starts off great, but my daughter, (who has a $250 gift card from her daddy, not my hubby, but her daddy), and decides she wants to go into Victoria's Secret to buy herself a bra and panty set, and she tells mom "Hey, you can get yourself a set if you want, I know you've been wanting one, and we LOVE Victoria's Secret!" So we start to go in, but hubby decides he would look like a "pervert" if he went inside the store, so I was like "Ok, whatever, we are going in and we will be back when we get something.." We were in there for about 45 minutes, and I didn't even REALIZE it.

We get outside, he's GONE. Now I understand, you get bored, staying out there for awhile, you want to go walk around on your own, ok, I get that. I call him, no answer, I text him with "hey, I am so sorry, please forgive me, I didn't realize we had been in there for so long, please, where are you? We came in one car, please tell us where you are.." and finally get the response that I am an immature b**** and my daughter and I are free to walk around the mall by ourselves, he is going to walk around by himself and we would just meet at the car. I got upset and my daughter and I went to the car to wait for him, he never comes out, then all of a sudden, I get a text message that says "You and your daughter go ahead and go, I've got a ride.." Come to find out, he called his mom, and that was a WHOLE nother argument between us, about how he feels inadequate and like a teenager because he is 41 years old having to call his mom to come pick him up from the mall...

Next day, things are still bad between us, apparently I didn't wake up early enough for him and I didn't get him up to go to church (it was raining that morning, and unfortunately I happen to sleep through the rain like a hibernating bear), and I didn't get him up early enough to catch a movie, even though I did wake up at 11:30 (would have been 10:30 if not for the time change), but I said "Ok, I apologize, please, let's do something for you today..." we try to go out to get him a pair of headphones (he has no job, no car, hasn't for 2 years, so I have had to really step up to get him out of the house, try to make sure he has enough entertainment through the day so he's not calling me at work every 5 minutes like he has a tendency to do...) 

So we try to go to the mall to get him a pair of headphones, he's still angry with me, he doesn't find what he wants, so when we're driving out of the parking lot of the mall to go to a nearby Best Buy, he gets angry and storms out of the car...the next 2 hours are spent trying to get him to get back in the car, trying to get him to forgive me, pulling over every 500 feet to try to convince him to come with me. Then finally, he calls me when he's about a mile from our house and tells me to come get him, which I do, then he leaves me standing in the middle of the street with no car, to walk the rest of the way home...he didn't even stop to try to offer me a ride, as I had done him.

Then, later, we get into a fight again, apparently I didn't do right by not feeding him after our argument and trying day, and I was exhausted, so I was trying to go to sleep because I have to get up and go to work the next day, even though he gets to sleep in all day and do whatever he wants when he gets up, but I hadn't eaten either, so he asks me to not sleep in our bedroom, so I go to my daughter's room (she was with her grandpa by this time) and start trying to sleep there, but he comes in and jerks the covers off of me, brusing my leg in the process, and tells me that I'm leaving the house but not until after I get something to eat in my stomach, and I should be grateful that he is "concerned" that I haven't eaten. He demands my keys and corners me until I have no choice but to give them to him, with the fear (like he's done before, and even did that day, when I came home after walking, he had locked all of the doors so I couldn't get in) that he is going to throw me out of the house with no car keys, no money, nowhere to go, in the cold weather, I freaked out, he threatened to get physical with me if I didn't surrender my keys, then he gets angry, throws my keys back at me, calls me SEVERAL names, and tells me to get the he** out of his face.

Now to the question...have any of you guys ever been outside of a Victoria's Secret for awhile, and is it worth getting that angry because your wife wanted to buy something pretty to model for you later? I mean, yes, it's good support to the breasts and the panties are nice and comfortable, but let's face it, more often than not, if you're a married woman you're partially getting the Victoria's Secret for your man...at least I do...but is it worth getting that upset over it? Just curious...thanks.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your problems go way deeper than the Victoria's Secret incident.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Your problems go way deeper than the Victoria's Secret incident.


?? :scratchhead: How do you mean? Although I'm sure you're right, can you please explain more? Thank you.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

I have waited outside a VS for a long time, and have been inside shopping with the W many times. And I have seen other men doing the same.

The VS incident is not your issue.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

That's not "upset" that terrorizing you.And I think his issues are BEYOND the "trauma" of having to wait for his wife and daughter for 45 minutes in a MALL while they shop a little.

He sounds like he has MAJOR self esteem issues and hes taking it out on you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

damiana879 said:


> ?? :scratchhead: How do you mean? Although I'm sure you're right, can you please explain more? Thank you.


I presume Mavash was referring to the fact that your husband being an immature, abusive, narcissistic jerk is the real problem. Him flipping his lid about having to wait for you in the mall is a _symptom_ of the real problem, not the problem itself.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This has nothing to do with waiting outside a Victoria's Secret.

Yes ... you were inconsiderate for leaving him outside a store for 45 minutes.
Yes ... he was being passive aggressive for getting worked up about it.

The behaviors you outline after the fact? Have very little to do with that singular incident, and absolutely nothing to do with whether or not a man wants to go into Victoria Secret to watch his step-daughter shop for underwear.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

I'm a male and when my wife and daughter go into a clothing store,
I don,t like i just stay near and look into other stores nearby.
You have way more problems than just this.

He is immature and never has grown up.i would be damned,
if I ever would call my mom at 40 yrs oh age to pick me up.

He dosen't have a car or a job for 2 yrs.
Sorry it sounds like you have a adult kid living with you.

He has it great,Can I live for free there? sorry but I'm giving
you my opinion as an adult responsible male father and husband.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

All this has NOTHING to do with Victoria's Secret, and a lot to do with a dysfunctional relationship in general. What you and your daughter did was a little rude (you knew he was waiting for you, and you took 45 minutes), but all he had to do was walk in the store if it was bothering him. 

Personally, if my GF was shopping in VS, I'd be in there with her, making suggestions. Maybe not if her daughter was with her, but I'd just arrange to meet her somewhere. If I was bored waiting, I'd text her and let her know I was wandering the mall, or walk in the store and let her know that, if I didn't have a phone. And I'd be eagerly anticipating seeing her new purchases that evening. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Rowan said it good.But I'm worried about you Damiana that you dont already see the "bigger picture" and that it has really nothing to do with waiting while you shop at VS..

That you would need to ask other men had they ever had to wait outside of VS and that triggered them to curse you out..call their mommy ...leave you on the side of the road..lock you out of the house...physically abuse you (the blanket bruising you is a LOT of force/ no accident) threaten to hurt you physical more makes me wonder if you have any bounderies or are grounded in whats a healthy relationship and whats not.IOW he sounds like a brutal explosive tyrant.Not to mention sounds like on top of that you support him..all the while you are apologizing and trying to make it up to him.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

No this is not about Victoria Secret.

That said it is one of my favorite stores. I would have been in there with my wife. 

But there are stores I flat do not want to go in. They are usually overly crowded. So I will either wait outside or go to a store I want to go into.

45 minutes is a long time.

But calling his mom!? Wow.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

damiana879 said:


> I have a question, mostly for the guys, but ladies, feel free to jump in too if this situation has ever happened to you!!
> 
> Saturday, my 14 year old daughter, myself, and my husband take off for a fun day at the mall, then a movie. We get to the mall and everything starts off great, but my daughter, (who has a $250 gift card from her daddy, not my hubby, but her daddy), and decides she wants to go into Victoria's Secret to buy herself a bra and panty set, and she tells mom "Hey, you can get yourself a set if you want, I know you've been wanting one, and we LOVE Victoria's Secret!" So we start to go in, but hubby decides he would look like a "pervert" if he went inside the store, so I was like "Ok, whatever, we are going in and we will be back when we get something.." We were in there for about 45 minutes, and I didn't even REALIZE it.
> 
> ...


not enough info to really comment.....

and some info thats alarming.

why dosn't your husband work?
why would you leave your husband waiting for you for sooooooo long without checking if its alright?

have you done this to him before?

he dose seem to have some anger issues has he always been this way?




If my wife made me wait for 45 mins I would have just gone in and said ok lets go how f****ing long dose it take to pick some underware and a bra for crying out loud! the bus is leaving shortly with or with out you guys!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

A guy going into Victorias Secret looks like a pervert?? If he really thinks that way, he has WAY bigger issues than not liking to be kept waiting. Upon further reading, he DOES have way bigger issues.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

I have tried to have boundaries and keep with the healthy relationship. Now he is constantly texting me that he's filing a restraining order on me and that he's going to have the paperwork delivered to my job, I need to see a doctor because I'm a crazy, psycho bi*** and that I'm the one with the problem, not him...and he won't stop, it's been going on all day....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

damiana879 said:


> ?? :scratchhead: How do you mean? Although I'm sure you're right, can you please explain more? Thank you.


Re-read your post. The answer will be obvious.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> A guy going into Victorias Secret looks like a pervert?? If he really thinks that way, he has WAY bigger issues than not liking to be kept waiting. Upon further reading, he DOES have way bigger issues.


As a matter of fact I would venture to say VS makes a LOT of money off of husbands (or guys) going into VS with or without their wife.

And I disagree 45 minutes is a "long" time anyway to wait for each other if you dont want to go in any particular store on a leisure lazy day outing to the MALL...If my husband wanted to go in an electronics store lets say I was like "meh" I really dont want to go in there ..its the MALL...I could go get a cup of coffee and wait at the food court and people watch.. and walk around myself window shopping .Yeah I may want a "round about" re-meet up time ..but if he lost track of "time" I don't think a WHOPPING 45 minutes stops the train man..where I would even be upset let alone think it was royally rude.

Was he going to be "late" to something?Whats the hurry?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

now that was a heckuva pity party, I hope he sent out embossed invitations


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

damiana879 said:


> I have tried to have boundaries and keep with the healthy relationship. Now he is constantly texting me that he's filing a restraining order on me and that he's going to have the paperwork delivered to my job, I need to see a doctor because I'm a crazy, psycho bi*** and that I'm the one with the problem, not him...and he won't stop, it's been going on all day....


That's what abusers do its CLASSIC to try and make it like you are the nut job.

And he cant get a restraining order on you if he has NO evidence you have committed domestic violence.And specifically physical violence.Thank God we cant just have our spouses thrown out of their own home based on an unsubstantiated claim or a claim with no evidence.

Its more of his terrorizing threatening that.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

There was no reason why he couldn't call your cell or walked in to get you. 45 minutes is not a reason to go off the handle. 

Your husband acted like a big jerk. He is acting very controlling and abusive. There was no reason to call mom and throw a temper tantrum. I'm not sure why you are begging for his forgiveness. By doing so, you are telling him it's okay to treat you horribly.

I'm sure this is not the first incident. Your husband's behavior will most likely worsen in time if he doesn't get help. 

If I were you, I'd get your child out of this situation and divorce your husband. You deserve so much better then this.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

You know, I thought that marrying a 5 y.o. was against the law. 

Calling his mom, storming around, you have to make sure that he has things to do otherwise he'll bother you at work, leaving you in the street, you apologizing for doing NOTHING wrong - wtf? 

When you leave, do you ensure that your 14 y.o. has all of the necessary emergency information? Because babysitting is a tough job!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

And you are with this guy because...................??????????????????


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> You know, I thought that marrying a 5 y.o. was against the law.


:iagree:

Yeah a five year old in a man body ..with a drivers liscense and keys to the house in authority over themselves.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, why in hell are you tolerating this bullsh!t?? He has a lot of fvcking nerve telling YOU to get out, when HE is the one sitting on his ass not working for TWO YEARS! Who does he think he is?? And WHY in God's name are you pandering to him like a spoiled little child, making sure he gets out of the house, etc? You need to kick his mean, entitled little ass OUT of your house!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

damiana879 said:


> I have tried to have boundaries and keep with the healthy relationship. Now he is constantly texting me that he's filing a restraining order on me and that he's going to have the paperwork delivered to my job, I need to see a doctor because I'm a crazy, psycho bi*** and that I'm the one with the problem, not him...and he won't stop, it's been going on all day....


None of this makes any sense.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> If my wife made me wait for 45 mins I would have just gone in and said ok lets go how f****ing long dose it take to pick some underware and a bra for crying out loud! the bus is leaving shortly with or with out you guys!



The underwear not so much.But bras?Especially more than one and two women ? It can easily take 45 minutes.Not all bras fit alike you have to try them on .I guess you would have to be a woman that has ever worn an ill fitting bra to understand.You don't just find one you think is pretty and pick out "your size" and buy it.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Man! He's calling you immature! Good Lord, and I thought my man was bad at being immature! He needs to see a shrink, I mean he has huge issues. The threatening behavior alone tells you what kind of man he is. 

I realize it's tough times out there and unemployment has struck our family this past year too, but 2 yrs...

sounds like he is dead weight, more than that, he is a threat to you and sounds like a whiny wimp who takes his aggression out on you. Sorry, this isn't helping, but unless you either get away from him or he gets some sort of help, your situation will not improve.

Please don't let him keep treating you this way.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Well here is the deal..... 45 minutes would be waaaayyy worth the wait when she is shopping at Victoria's Secret!
However, you really need to find a good counselor. There are deep issues in this one and it is not possible for us to diagnose it....but we can see it! This marriage is in deep trouble.....your husband has huge issues....and YOU are a part of it all. He acts like a baby, calls his mommy to come get him and has not worked for two years? Why does he not work? I would get to counseling and get him to change.... and if he won't tell him to find a new baby sitter.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

damiana879 said:


> Now to the question...have any of you guys ever been outside of a Victoria's Secret for awhile, and is it worth getting that angry because your wife wanted to buy something pretty to model for you later? I mean, yes, it's good support to the breasts and the panties are nice and comfortable, but let's face it, more often than not, if you're a married woman you're partially getting the Victoria's Secret for your man...at least I do...but is it worth getting that upset over it? Just curious...thanks.


You married a child.

I simply go into VS when my wife wants to shop there.
I like helping her.

But if she's shopping somewhere in the mall and is going to spend some time there I just go off to another spot somewhere that I'm interested in.

We hook back up through text.
"Babe, what's taking you so long? Where are you?" and so on.

Your H has no job, no transportation and acts like an emotional stunted 8 year old.

I'd put him in his place.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

He has threatened you,wake up.
Eventually your the one that's gonna need the police.
HE is abusing you in many ways.He dosen't sound
stable.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I don't even know where to begin...so many issues here between you.

But, for starters, y'all might want to look into online shopping and eliminate the whole "going to the mall, then Best Buy" nonsense with driving and waiting.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> now that was a heckuva pity party, I hope he sent out embossed invitations


Embossed or embarrassed invitations?

You have yourself a big ole Man-child, wow.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

damiana879 said:


> I have tried to have boundaries and keep with the healthy relationship. Now he is constantly texting me that he's filing a restraining order on me and that he's going to have the paperwork delivered to my job, I need to see a doctor because I'm a crazy, psycho bi*** and that I'm the one with the problem, not him...and he won't stop, it's been going on all day....



holy hell... yeah, he needs professional help. He can file but he needs to stay the hell away from your home then. Since you are the one with the job then obviously he needs to leave (since I doubt that he has a way to pay a mortgage/rent). If he does this though, you may want to consider filing your own set of papers. I'm not promoting divorce lightly - this guy sounds crazy and both you and your daughter do not deserve/need this.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

Things got so bad, I filed for divorce on Feb 8th. I hated having to do that, I have cried ever since, but he didn't respond. Now I don't think he can respond, I'm not sure what the next step is. All I know is that this whole thing is really hurting me, both emotionally and physically. To answer some of the questions as best I can, HIS reason for not working used to be because he said no one would hire him because of his arrears in child support. He owes over $30,000 now and he keeps telling me, his mom, his cousin, the court, his ex, etc, that he gets interviews and that goes really well, until they run a credit check, then the arrears come up and they don't want to hire him because they consider him a liability. He said that they get him all the way to the point where they're ready to bring him on, until they do the credit check, then he never hears from them again. Back a couple of years ago, at one of his last jobs, him and I shared a bank account, and the Attorney General came in and put a $26,000 lien on our account. They took all of the money that we had in there, which at that time was about $1,600, and they refused to release the lien on the account. I had to go open a different account at a different bank under just my name so that the Attorney General wouldn't come after the funds again and take both of ours. After that, because he "had to deal with the situation" they let him go at his job, and he's pretty much been out of work ever since. Then, about a month and a half ago, he got hit by a drunk driver and it totalled the car he had, which was his moms car, but we still have mine. I have told him that if he got a job, we would figure out the ride situation, his mom is retired and lives about five minutes away from him, my boss lives about 15 min away from me, I told him we would work it out to getting him to work until we could save up enough for a small car, then I even offered to take that car and let him have the nice new one...it's never good enough, he always complains. Even with the new car (2012 Mazda CX-7) he calls me at work to complain that there is a dent in the door and he wants to make sure that I don't blame him for it, so he HAS to call me and blow up my phone at work to make sure I know about the dent and that he didnt' do it, but I'm like "Dang, I leave you the new car, to enjoy yourself for the day and do what YOU want to do, and you have to call me and fuss at me because there is a small dent in the door?" ...sigh, so that's why he says he can't work...at first it was the charge that his ex had filed on him for "Assault of a family member", and no one would hire him because of the charge...then we got past that, he got a couple of jobs and lost them, for different reasons, then the lien comes in and he gets fired for taking too much time to deal with the situation, and then after that, he's blacklisted and unhireable. That's where it's been for the past 2 years...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

damiana879 said:


> Things got so bad, I filed for divorce on Feb 8th. I hated having to do that, I have cried ever since, but he didn't respond. Now I don't think he can respond, I'm not sure what the next step is. All I know is that this whole thing is really hurting me, both emotionally and physically. To answer some of the questions as best I can, HIS reason for not working used to be because he said no one would hire him because of his arrears in child support. He owes over $30,000 now and he keeps telling me, his mom, his cousin, the court, his ex, etc, that he gets interviews and that goes really well, until they run a credit check, then the arrears come up and they don't want to hire him because they consider him a liability. He said that they get him all the way to the point where they're ready to bring him on, until they do the credit check, then he never hears from them again. Back a couple of years ago, at one of his last jobs, him and I shared a bank account, and the Attorney General came in and put a $26,000 lien on our account. They took all of the money that we had in there, which at that time was about $1,600, and they refused to release the lien on the account. I had to go open a different account at a different bank under just my name so that the Attorney General wouldn't come after the funds again and take both of ours. After that, because he "had to deal with the situation" they let him go at his job, and he's pretty much been out of work ever since. Then, about a month and a half ago, he got hit by a drunk driver and it totalled the car he had, which was his moms car, but we still have mine. I have told him that if he got a job, we would figure out the ride situation, his mom is retired and lives about five minutes away from him, my boss lives about 15 min away from me, I told him we would work it out to getting him to work until we could save up enough for a small car, then I even offered to take that car and let him have the nice new one...it's never good enough, he always complains. Even with the new car (2012 Mazda CX-7) he calls me at work to complain that there is a dent in the door and he wants to make sure that I don't blame him for it, so he HAS to call me and blow up my phone at work to make sure I know about the dent and that he didnt' do it, but I'm like "Dang, I leave you the new car, to enjoy yourself for the day and do what YOU want to do, and you have to call me and fuss at me because there is a small dent in the door?" ...sigh, so that's why he says he can't work...at first it was the charge that his ex had filed on him for "Assault of a family member", and no one would hire him because of the charge...then we got past that, he got a couple of jobs and lost them, for different reasons, then the lien comes in and he gets fired for taking too much time to deal with the situation, and then after that, he's blacklisted and unhireable. That's where it's been for the past 2 years...


Hmmm...on his side not making excuses but he may feel defeated."helpless" like the world is against him.he doesn't "trust" anyone anymore but seems like maybe his mother.He feels like a victim already not realizing you are on his side..any perception that you have "slighted him" (like disrespecting him (in his mind) leaving him standing in front of a womens undewear shop ) is BLOWN way out of proportion and an avalanche of all he feels has been done wrong to him comes pouring out..doesn't help that I bet he feels that its women (b***tches) that have destroyed his life /masculinity.(except his mother whom I would bet coddles him and agrees hes a victim)...I also "sensed" that he is almost jealous or has angst at your daughter.He said "you and YOUR daughter..."

That's my take as a possibility..I feel sorry for him in a way but I wouldn't be his whipping post nor would I keep enabling him to be the perpetual victim.He needs some real help.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

So why did you come here looking for advice on how to handle your teenage son? This is a marriage forum.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> Hmmm...on his side not making excuses but he may feel defeated."helpless" like the world is against him.he doesn't "trust" anyone anymore but seems like maybe his mother.He feels like a victim already not realizing you are on his side..any perception that you have "slighted him" (like disrespecting him (in his mind) leaving him standing in front of a womens undewear shop ) is BLOWN way out of proportion and an avalanche of all he feels has been done wrong to him comes pouring out..doesn't help that I bet he feels that its women (b***tches) that have destroyed his life /masculinity.(except his mother whom I would bet coddles him and agrees hes a victim)...I also "sensed" that he is almost jealous or has angst at your daughter.He said "you and YOUR daughter..."
> 
> That's my take as a possibility..I feel sorry for him in a way but I wouldn't be his whipping post nor would I keep enabling him to be the perpetual victim.He needs some real help.



I think you are on the right track here. He does feel that women have destroyed him, his ex wife has done things to him that he feels greatly unfair, now I will say she has been pretty nasty to him, but if he has done to her what he's done to me, any woman would be vindictive against that. He has even turned on his mother on occasion, and yes, his mother does coddle him a LOT. She gives him money just about every other week, she's always defending him saying that his ex wife completely destroyed him, and even goes off blaming me for the situation he's in because I couldn't stay away from him in the beginning of our relationship even though he was married. I tried to tell her that he had actually lied to me and said he was divorced for the first 6 months of our relationship, then it was "Well, we're SEPARATED, but living in the same house because of the children, but we don't sleep together..", then it blew up because she found out about me, and she got vindictive and angry and it has been that way ever since. That was over 5 years ago...we got married 4 years ago.

Now, that being said, my first ex husband did worse to me than he had ever done to her. My first ex broke my nose, beat me and left me bleeding face down on his grandparents driveway. he cheated on me every chance he got, even went so far as to tell me that he was with me because he was in love with another woman and I reminded him of her. But when he got himself into trouble with child support, I still found it in my heart to help him on the promise that he would be a better dad to her. It's not about the money, my daughter needs her father, and how can you be a good parent if you're worried about where your next meal is going to come from? Or how you're going to keep the lights on because you don't have the money to afford it? He came to me and told me that he had a really good offer with a company, but they told him that because he was so far behind in child support, they couldn't extend the offer but it was because he couldn't get a passport to go out of the country if necessary. He came to me about this great opportunity and begged me to help him. Sure, he offered more money in child support with the big raise he was getting with this job (our original decree only orders him to pay $50/month) but I told him don't worry about that...just be a dad to her, she has had it rough so far (my 2nd ex husband's dad molested and raped her at 5, which he is thankfully in prison now because of, but you can see why a GOOD male figure in her life is important)

And on top of everything, I think he is growing more and more jealous of both of my children, especially my daughter. He keeps showing me that he wants me to push them aside and make time for HIM. He was all going off about how this was supposed to be OUR weekend together, and my kids were supposed to be off other places...*sigh*  See, I do love my husband, but I am so tired of everything going on...and now he's saying he has put a restraining order on me on top of everything....but I guess that means that he is going to have to get out of the house...anyone have any ideas on whether he can do that and have me served the paperwork at my job?? Thanks.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

He calls his mummy and expects you to feed him? I'm not really seeing any redeeming features here, do yourself and your daughter a favour and get rid of this loser. He'll be an emotional and financial drain on you for as long as you let him


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, so you unwittingly became the OW while your husband was married to someone else. Also, you were previously married and then divorced over abuse, but you were betrayed by this first husband of yours. So why did you marry this guy in the first place? If you found out that he was a cheater, I would have thought that you would run away from this guy as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, your husband is getting the screws put to him by his ex wife. He frankly deserves it, and you are collateral damage because of it. I say leave him for good.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I think you are on the right track here. He does feel that women have destroyed him, his ex wife has done things to him that he feels greatly unfair, now I will say she has been pretty nasty to him, but if he has done to her what he's done to me, any woman would be vindictive against that. He has even turned on his mother on occasion, and yes, his mother does coddle him a LOT. She gives him money just about every other week, she's always defending him saying that his ex wife completely destroyed him, and even goes off blaming me for the situation he's in because I couldn't stay away from him in the beginning of our relationship even though he was married. I tried to tell her that he had actually lied to me and said he was divorced for the first 6 months of our relationship, then it was "Well, we're SEPARATED, but living in the same house because of the children, but we don't sleep together..", then it blew up because she found out about me, and she got vindictive and angry and it has been that way ever since. That was over 5 years ago...we got married 4 years ago.


Yep...he is only "comfortable" in the chair of the slighted.He has difficulty seeing his hand in any of his fait.Im sure he got screwed around by someone at sometime.But he is "stuck' in that "Im a victim" mode I did nothing to deserve this ..don't deserve to be treated this way" mind frame..Sounds like his mother created a victim.Ya know what I mean?I bet when he got in trouble in school(as most do one time or the other) it was always the teachers fault.Or the other other kid...I bet his mother said "my child would NEVER do that ..at least not for no good reason"..or "what about the other kid? Why is MY son getting blamed????


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> He calls his mummy and expects you to feed him? I'm not really seeing any redeeming features here, do yourself and your daughter a favour and get rid of this loser. He'll be an emotional and financial drain on you for as long as you let him


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> See, I do love my husband, but I am so tired of everything going on...and now he's saying he has put a restraining order on me on top of everything....but I guess that means that he is going to have to get out of the house...anyone have any ideas on whether he can do that and have me served the paperwork at my job?? Thanks.


Depends on your state.(are you in the U.S.A?)...In Texas if you are married the only way you can get a restraining order (even temporary) is to file (not be divorced) but file for divorce and you need some sort of other evidence..like callling 9-11 or any arrest for DV or witnesses to DV.You cant just go to the police station and say "I want to file a restraining order agaisnt my spouse". and fill out some paper work then they have to stay 200 ft away from you including vacating the marital home under penalty of arrest.

Has he ever called the police on you ?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> And on top of everything, I think he is growing more and more jealous of both of my children, especially my daughter. He keeps showing me that he wants me to push them aside and make time for HIM. He was all going off about how this was supposed to be OUR weekend together, and my kids were supposed to be off other places...*sigh*


Does he have biological children of his own?Besides considering sounds like he has arrested develpment and is too immature to handle putting own needs aside for children he is more in the "sibling rivalry" category..


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> Depends on your state.(are you in the U.S.A?)...In Texas if you are married the only way you can get a restraining order (even temporary) is to file (not be divorced) but file for divorce and you need some sort of other evidence..like callling 9-11 or any arrest for DV or witnesses to DV.You cant just go to the police station and say "I want to file a restraining order agaisnt my spouse". and fill out some paper work then they have to stay 200 ft away from you including vacating the marital home under penalty of arrest.
> 
> Has he ever called the police on you ?



Yes, I am in Texas. 

No, he has never called the cops on me. I think he would think that to be wimpy of him because he can definitely handle me. I could not get physical with this guy to save my own life, he has been trained in the military, he has taken several classes to learn how to be aggressive, I only know the basics but he knows what holds to use, how to pin me so I can't move, and he definitely knows how to hurt me...my daugher called the police on him one time because she was upstairs, we were downstairs fighting and he was throwing a gallon of water on me and dragging me by my hair out of the house. When the officer came out, I had left because things were too heated, but the officer called me back to the house to question me, when I got there, the officer questioned my daughter and me, and he told me that from the look of me, he did get rough with me, he told me that all I had to do was say yes and he would go to jail, but I kept him out of jail that night. 

That was the only incident that ever happened with us that involved the police...now his ex, calling the police was an every other week thing for her, but I am not like that, I would rather the police work on something that needs their attention, like saving someone's life, not worried about me and my marriage. I have never wanted him arrested, I just wanted him to stop. What's wrong with being kind and gentle? What's wrong with TALKING things out instead of him expecting me to read his mind and coddle him for the rest of his life? Why does he have to get angry like that and do what he does? Destroy things, take it out on me and all of the kids...I just don't understand and it makes me so sad...I try to work things out, I try to tell him I'm sorry for making him so angry, but I feel like every time I try again, I set myself up for failure because that's how he wants it. I feel like he wants me to fail, like Sunday morning, not getting up early enough for church, but he couldn't say anything to me about it...it's "Here, YOU do all the work and if you don't do it 100% perfect, you're gonna PAY!!" he goes after everything I do, even my driving....I am so self consious when we get into the car together with me driving because he's always making some stupid remark about the way I drive. Sometimes I feel worthless because I feel I can't do anything right because that's the way he makes me feel. I've slipped into a deep depression because I can't make him happy...that's where I'm at....


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You keep listing more and more crap that he puts you through. What I have not seen you list is what YOU are going to do for yourself about this. You filed for D - now what? There's nothing here to salvage. How are you dealing with YOU, and moving past this?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You keep on enabling his behaviors, and it's going to continue. You let him give you BS excuses for things, you keep saving him from his own bad behavior. 

What would you tell your daughter if she got married and came to you with the stories your telling us? That she should just stay in an abusive relationship? 

Have you ever looked into counselling to help figure out why you stay in such an unhealthy relationship? And why you went from one unhealthy relationship to another? Have you thought about what your kids are learning from your behavior?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You keep listing more and more crap that he puts you through. What I have not seen you list is what YOU are going to do for yourself about this. You filed for D - now what? There's nothing here to salvage. How are you dealing with YOU, and moving past this?


She may need to talk about it to sort it out in her head.Some process outwardly.(verbally)..


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> You keep listing more and more crap that he puts you through. What I have not seen you list is what YOU are going to do for yourself about this. You filed for D - now what? There's nothing here to salvage. How are you dealing with YOU, and moving past this?


Hi dallas, thank you for your response, and to all that have, this really helps me feel like I'm not crazy.

Yes, he does have biological children of his own, 2 in fact, and that is complicated too. They want to come see him, partially because I do the best I can to pretend the family is happy when they come over, their mom tears them down emotionally a lot, so I kind of try to build them back up as much as I can. Both of their parents (my husband and his ex wife) lie to them so much about the other parent, about the law and the way it works, about so many things, I try to set them as straight as I can, but they're both messed up to be quite honest. The older daughter (she's 17) looks to guys for attention, her mother says it's because her daddy doesn't give her enough attention, her daddy says it's because mommy isn't letting him have enough influence to straighten her out, she has had a bf on and off for about 4 years, but she's been seeing about 10 other guys and that's all I know of. Her mother has taught her that she should be able to have as many bfs as she wants but if they do something to cross her, she has every right to go off the deep end and call the cops on them. The little boy is ok right now, but he is starting to exhibit some anger issues of his own, but he is only 11, so his anger issues are just the tip of the iceberg right now, I know it. He's a very smart boy, so I do believe before too long, he will just stop trying to be good at his grades and just let himself go. I love them dearly, like I said, but their parents both have put them on such a downward spiral, it's hard to keep them afloat. They both trash talk the other parent, they both bring the kids into the adult business and it has been like this for a long time. 

As for ME time, I'm not really focused on that. The truth is, yes, I filed for divorce, but I had been trying to work things out with him, telling him I love him, I need him, he's the spark of my life...I have tried to focus on my kids, as much as I can, but I'm running out of steam. I admit, I'm not a perfect wife, I have done things that a wife shouldn't do, I have made mistakes, I have taken things for granted, and I have definitely made things difficult sometimes. but I don't feel like I deserve to be punished like this...I don't feel like a real woman anymore..even the set I got from Victoria's Secret doesn't make me feel any prettier, and it really did used to...I feel lost now, I feel worthless and alone...I feel like the woman I knew way back when when I was strong is dead now, she's not going to be able to come back...and it hurts a lot...I know it's dramatic, but I'm so tired of hating having to go home...feeling like "Here we go again, I will get home and I won't be able to relax.."   

That's what I'm having to deal with here...I'm just really flustered and tired....


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Why did he quit supporting his children to begin with?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> That was the only incident that ever happened with us that involved the police...now his ex, calling the police was an every other week thing for her, but I am not like that, I would rather the police work on something that needs their attention,





you do not know how far he will go..what you described needs the attention of the police.maybe even their prescence is why he "calmed down" and only throws tantrums now in the mall.and only leaves you on the street and only locks you out of the house.

What do you mean "not like that" ? calling for help when you are being abused?Sorry I'm "like that too" and I hope everyone is.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> That's what I'm having to deal with here...I'm just really flustered and tired...


Completely understandable.lympic1:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

"I filed for divorce, but I had been trying to work things out with him, telling him I love him, I need him, he's the spark of my life."

WHY?!?!?!

What is there in this marriage for you?? He abuses you mentally and emotionally and physically.

Have you looked into some counseling for yourself?


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> "I filed for divorce, but I had been trying to work things out with him, telling him I love him, I need him, he's the spark of my life."
> 
> WHY?!?!?!
> 
> ...


Thank you, hope, for making me feel like I'm not totally insane. 

I do not have insurance, and cannot afford counseling...as I am the only breadwinner, my money only stretches so far. Unfortunately, I would need money for that kind of thing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

damiana879 said:


> Thank you, hope, for making me feel like I'm not totally insane.
> 
> I do not have insurance, and cannot afford counseling...as I am the only breadwinner, my money only stretches so far. Unfortunately, I would need money for that kind of thing.


Find a copy of the book "Codependent No More", and start with that.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Well you may not have money for counseling now....but once you have unloaded this jerk of a husband you should save enough each month to cover it! Look......I hate what he has done...but what scares me is that you have chosen TWO men that I am aware of that are abusive. YOu need to go find out what's up with YOU so you can get off of this merry go round. Please listen to me here. This guy is taking advantage of you. He drug you by your hair! Please understand YOU have some issues that YOU need to understand. He should have packed or had his stuff thrown to the curb the day he did that. 
But whatever, He can go home to his mommy now..... YOU need to figure out why you let these losers treat you this way.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

At a certain point, it becomes a question of can you afford NOT to.

Many programs have financial help, many insurance plans pay for it, many community based programs have free counseling. It's time to do some leg work here and find something.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You need to file for divorce. The sooner the better. The longer you wait, the more alimony he will get. If you leave now, he may not be entitled to alimony.

Your husband a lying abusive jerk that will never change. You don't want your kid/s growing up in this environment. You need to protect your child. 

Don't expect him to ever work. Don't expect him to change. He won't. 

Your husband's behavior is much like my ex H's behavior. I left after 2 years of supporting him. I was never good enough for my ex, which he called me every name in the book on a nightly basis. My ex H's behavior worsened by a tenfold and 19 years have passed.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> You need to file for divorce. The sooner the better. The longer you wait, the more alimony he will get. If you leave now, he may not be entitled to alimony.


shes in Texas..he wont ..in Texas its 10 years married before alimony comes into play and the spouse who files for it has to prove they are at a significant disadvatage to support themself as in comaparison to spouse.And evne then the maixum to my understanding for spousal support is 3 years..Mostly stay at homes moms (or dads) get it or those who contributed and then became disabled or Example you can put your spouse through medical school while waiting tables then when they are in the "money" and you have sacrificed years for them they cant just divorce you walk off with a lucrative career while you are 10 years behind and your history is "waiter".If that makes sense..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Lets put it this way..I COULD get alimony LOL!!! (but I've been married 25 years invested heavily including labor to help my husbands business..stayed home to raise the kids..and still I would only get 3 years support if I can prove I cant make near as much money as him which I can easily prove...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

IOW I guess I'm saying her hurrying to get a divorce so he wont get alimony isn't a concern at all.Of course she should consult an attorney but I'm pretty familiar with the law here.If she hurries to divorce IMHO it should be because hes a psychopath and her money isn't the concern.Now she may have to give him "1/2" the assets..but alimony isnt a concern as far as money.(oh and the debt..she will be responsible for 1/2 the debt)..


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

I'm sorry, but this guy is a real jerk. 

If my future ex-wife I haven't met yet was buying items at Vickie's Secret and took too long, I'd just tell her that she had to show off more for me later to make it up to me. 

He's throwing a series of tantrums. It's unbecoming of an adult.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Dear Readers of TAM,

Normally I would sympathize with *damiana879*, and like the others here, advise her to leave her husband for good. But something doesn't add up here.

She first posted this problem on March 11th (today) talking about this weekend she was at the mall, and how she slept late on Sunday because of daylight savings time (that part is true, DST was this past weekend). 

But then later in the comments she said: 



damiana879 said:


> Things got so bad, I filed for divorce on Feb 8th.


*So let me get this straight. She filed for divorce on Feb 8, yet went shopping with him to Victoria's Secret (a "fun day at the Mall" in her words) a month later on March 9??? * 

That doesn't make any sense. I find it hard to believe these two are out shopping, sleeping together, and trying to do normal things with the children while in the middle of a divorce. :scratchhead:

And it also doesn't make sense that she is pursuing that action while at the same time sounding so desperate on this forum trying to save her marriage now. 

The timeline on the restraining order also seems a little off. He just went off and got that this morning after their fight yesterday? That was quick.


Someone please make sense of this for me, and tell me if I am missing something.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You need to get counseling for you, and figure out why you allow this man to stay in your life.

Stop funding him (so he has motivation to get a job), block him from calling your work number, and start ignoring his irrational anger. 

Stop waking him up, he can set his own alarm. 

Once he has a job, leave him.

He's a dead beat with severe issues and anger problems.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

This whole thing doesn't doesn't make sense to me... But, if you left me outside a store for 45 minutes, I would have taken the car and gone home without you. Totally rude and disrespectful!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> He demands my keys and corners me until I have no choice but to give them to him, with the fear (like he's done before, and even did that day, when I came home after walking, he had locked all of the doors so I couldn't get in) that he is going to throw me out of the house with no car keys, no money, nowhere to go, in the cold weather, I freaked out, he threatened to get physical with me if I didn't surrender my keys, then he gets angry, throws my keys back at me, calls me SEVERAL names, and tells me to get the he** out of his face.


I would forget about VS and re-read what you posted above. I'm sorry OP but this man is an abuser and you need to leave him and never look back.

I know what I'm talking about. Five years later and I still have PSTD and other health issues as a result of a similar sort of relationship. I'm in a wonderful relationship, now, but the damage an abusive relationship can cause can take years to heal from.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> IOW I guess I'm saying her hurrying to get a divorce so he wont get alimony isn't a concern at all.Of course she should consult an attorney but I'm pretty familiar with the law here.If she hurries to divorce IMHO it should be because hes a psychopath and her money isn't the concern.Now she may have to give him "1/2" the assets..but alimony isnt a concern as far as money.(oh and the debt..she will be responsible for 1/2 the debt)..


Nope that's not reason why. It's because he's abusive. I've been there, I had an abusive H that treated me this way. I left. 19 years have passed and his abuse escalated towards others by a tenfold.

Edit to add... My BIL whom has full custody of his children, pays 2500 monthly for 10 years in alimony. His ex w owns her own business and does fine on her own. OP, may decide to stay and leave 20 years later. If her h stays unemployed, she may have to pay alimony. He's lazy and wants a free ride. Anyways, alimony is not just for men to pay. Another family member pays for her ex h alimony for 12 years due to the fact her ex h didn't want to work. I'm unsure of the amount. Both these marriages were long term. It's something to keep in mind.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

I've been to VS with W plenty of times. I love the place. Sometimes she's finished shopping before I am.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Folks, before you take your time to provide any more advice here, you might want to look at my post above, and hold off at least until the OP clarifies things.

There's a strong possibility that this submission is a fake.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Dear Readers of TAM,
> 
> Normally I would sympathize with *damiana879*, and like the others here, advise her to leave her husband for good. But something doesn't add up here.
> 
> ...



Thessus,

So let me get this straight...because I did file for divorce, that's the end of it, right? That means I have to throw him out, not rethink what I've done, feel remorseful and give it one last effort to work things out? 

Also, I did not say he filed a restraining order, I said he was THREATENING to. 

For you, I'm really happy that you can make a choice like that and stick solid to it, have no regrets or remorse, not think to yourself that maybe there is something salvageable, and be so sure of yourself in everything you do, but sometimes people do have regrets and such about things that they do, and they come here so they are not judged. 

But thank you for chasing me away from this forum and instead of assuring me that there are other people in the world that experience similar problems to me, so I'm not freaking INSANE, you have assured me that I am alone. Thank you again.

Sounds to me like you're missing a lot of things. But go ahead and keep believing that this world is perfect and that no one regrets what they've done, even if it WAS or WAS NOT the right thing to do...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

damiana879 said:


> Thessus,
> 
> So let me get this straight...because I did file for divorce, that's the end of it, right? That means I have to throw him out, not rethink what I've done, feel remorseful and give it one last effort to work things out?
> 
> ...


I for one had considered that already if it matters.Your filing a month ago and your current delima.Many people will file for the divorce with being open to the option of possible reconsciliation before its finalized.Some even will file hoping its a "wake up" call for their spouse but if it isn't then they feel like they tried everything they could..Heck some even divorce and later REMARRY ! My aunt and uncle for one..and my husbands mentor.Now my aunt and uncle divorced AGAIN LOL..35 years later but my husbands mentor was happily married.

by the way did you withdraw your petition for divorce or is it still proceeding?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

damiana879 said:


> Thessus,
> 
> So let me get this straight...because I did file for divorce, that's the end of it, right? That means I have to throw him out, not rethink what I've done, feel remorseful and give it one last effort to work things out?
> 
> ...


No need for hostility. Theseus had what look like reasonable questions from a timeline that requires a little explanation to strangers. No one is chasing you away. 

I know that were I in the middle of divorce proceedings, I wouldn't be shopping with you at VS, no matter how long the wait outside.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

damiana879 said:


> Thessus,
> 
> So let me get this straight...because I did file for divorce, that's the end of it, right? That means I have to throw him out, not rethink what I've done, feel remorseful and give it one last effort to work things out?
> 
> ... go ahead and keep believing that this world is perfect and that no one regrets what they've done, even if it WAS or WAS NOT the right thing to do...



Damiana,

You misunderstand, and you don't need to get so defensive. There's nothing wrong with changing your mind, nor did I say there was.

But when someone gives us information that seems so contradictory, there's also nothing wrong with asking for a clarification before people spend their time giving advice. That's normal. This is the Internet, and a lot of stuff people put out there is fake.

From reading this and some of your previous postings, it looks like your husband has been handed some bad breaks, but that he is also acting like a lunatic.

So I just don't see how you would expect him to act normal and have a "fun day at the mall" with someone who has filed for divorce. With all the stress you report in his life, that has to be just adding to it. It also helps explain why he felt more rejected at the Mall (even though his behavior was still childish). 

There's a very easy question and answer here. *Question: "Why isn't my marriage working?" Answer: "To start with, because you are divorcing your husband!" *


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTESo I just don't see how you would expect him to act normal and have a "fun day at the mall" with someone who has filed for divorce. With all the stress you report in his life, that has to be just adding to it. It also helps explain why he felt more rejected at the Mall (even though his behavior was still childish). ][/QUOTE]

I will agree with this..even if he is screwed up in the head royally..I think the detail that she is currently suing him for divorce might "affect" his behavior somewhat.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What I can't figure out is, if she's divorcing him and he's threatening a restraining order, wtf are they doing going on a nice little stroll at the mall together as if they're one big happy family??"


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> What I can't figure out is, if she's divorcing him and he's threatening a restraining order, wtf are they doing going on a nice little stroll at the mall together as if they're one big happy family??"


Possibly grasping at straws? Trying to act "normal" in the midst of chaos? I don't know just guessing.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> What I can't figure out is, if she's divorcing him and he's threatening a restraining order, wtf are they doing going on a nice little stroll at the mall together as if they're one big happy family??"


I think its like Dallas said, she is still hoping that her filing was a wake up call for him, and is giving it a last ditch effort. Unfortunately Damiana, it appears that you are indeed going to need to go ahead with your divorce. This man is making it clear that only his needs matter. He has the mentality and entitlement issues of a first grader. Good luck to you with this.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

I apologize, everyone, I just get berrated so often, I know my family is looking out for me, and everyone is for the "Why don't you just leave him already?" kind of thing. 

I have never been the kind of person to walk away unless I had no possible other choice. When I fell in love with him, it was with all my heart and soul. I regret that I did not get what I had hoped for in my marriage, and it makes me so sad that I did not. I still try to grasp to it sometimes, hoping that maybe he will see that his wife loves him, even though I filed the divorce, I was still reaching out to him, and I have fought my family tooth and nail on his behalf. 

I don't want a pity party for myself, I just want to know I'm not crazy. 

The truth is this...I filed for the divorce partially yes, as a wakeup call for him, to say "Hey, you stand the risk of losing a good woman.." which was a BIG step for me because I'm not even sure I am a good woman anymore, but I know that as far as worth goes, I do have a good heart, and I care about people in general, I'm the type of person that sees someone on the street corner with a sign and even though they're tatooed up and look like they could slang anything at the drop of a hat, I try to look past all of that. Maybe there is something good there that just needs a little boost...that just needs someone to let them know somehow that they're not worthless, because I could imagine that standing on a street corner with a sign is not the most proud thing they have ever done. 

Also, my husband is in serious arrears with his ex wife. His debt is currently a little over $35,000. I'm not saying that's not his fault, but I am saying it's not his fault entirely. His ex has done some nasty things to him, she has gotten him fired from 2 jobs by harrassing his boss, by harrassing him, etc. I have been in her place with my 1st ex husband, he owed a debt of about $27,000 when he came to me about a job offer he had received but they wouldn't bring him on unless he solved the issue with the arrears with me. He came to me, and my first thought wasn't "Well, too bad, you got yourself into this mess by not paying me for 10 years, YOU get yourself out of it." even with all he had done to me, my first words to him were "Please....our daughter needs her father before she needs money.." I understand there are exes out there that are not as fortunate as I am to be able to support their children by themselves with no help, but it's more important to me that my kids grow up right, have good foundations, be able to form their own relationships that last because they have been taught that two people, even if it doesn't work out as a married couple, can work together to be there for their child. 

I bring this up because the second reason I filed was because my husband actually lied to me. I think I was the only woman at the family courthouse that was bawling her eyes out filing that paperwork. He told me that he had a letter from his ex wife that if him and I got divorced, she would help him with his arrears. Did I mention that she completely despises me? I really don't blame her, his and my coming together as a couple came at a time when things were rocky between them, and even though I didn't know at first, I'm sure she was hurt regardless. Just as I was when I was in her place, I just went about it a different way. That's why I have tried to respect her every way I can, but seeing her hurt the kids because she is vengeful, that hurts me. 

Anyway, it turned out I was fooled by him, he never had a letter from her regarding that. He still claims he has a verbal promise, but what good would that do? 

Anyway, I apologize for going off, I just feel really alone. I feel like there is no one I can really trust and I feel like I'm going insane. He tells me that he has this letter to prompt me to file for divorce, then he tells me I shouldn't have done it. It was like he wanted it, but then he didn't. So I went through it anyway, like I said, partially too to show him that he stands to lose someone in his life that I feel is important enough to stop what he's doing and start turning his life back around...but I never got that. 

So at this point, I feel like I'm going crazy...my dad is constantly breathing down my throat about "you left him yet??? you left him yet??? is he out of the house? why haven't you moved back home? why haven't you filed for divorce? why haven't you kicked him out? what is he still doing there?" ...and I feel knocked down, like the wind is out of my sails....

So I really do apologize TAM. I just feel lost...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> A guy going into Victorias Secret looks like a pervert?? If he really thinks that way, he has WAY bigger issues than not liking to be kept waiting. Upon further reading, he DOES have way bigger issues.


He does have huge issues. 

Having said that, I don't see myself walking into VS with my 14 year old step-daughter to watch her purchase underwear. That is about the only sane thing I have seen him do in this whole mess.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> He does have huge issues.
> 
> Having said that, I don't see myself walking into VS with my 14 year old step-daughter to watch her purchase underwear. That is about the only sane thing I have seen him do in this whole mess.


Only thing is his wife was also going in to buy things.(for herself).He could have "joined" and not been a pervert.OF course if he was uncomfortable thats respectable too.But his problem was he had to wait an ENTIRE 45 minutes out of his busy schedule.

He wasn't being asked to "walk in with his 14 yo old step daughter to watch HER purchase underwear"..HIS wife was also going in to "pick out underwear".


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> Only thing is his wife was also going in to buy things.(for herself).He could have "joined" and not been a pervert.OF course if he was uncomfortable thats respectable too.But his problem was he had to wait an ENTIRE 45 minutes out of his busy schedule.
> 
> He wasn't being asked to "walk in with his 14 yo old step daughter to watch HER purchase underwear"..HIS wife was also going in to "pick out underwear".


Yes, but I don't see that making it better. The original post has the step-daughter initiating, then mentioning the wife could go along. I would interpret that as the two of them comparing styles. As much as I love doing that with my wife, having the step-daughter along would have made me uncomfortable.

But as I said, that is about the only understandable thing he did from this whole mess. He has some real issues and the OP has gotten some good advice.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

There is nothing worth saving. Your husband is abusive and he always has been. His ex might be a lunatic but she was HIS choice, not yours and therefore the fallout was his to deal with. You are not his savior. Your love for him is not healthy. You have made bad choices in the past. 

You need to lock him out, document everything. Divorce him and who cares what happens to him or his kids. This is survival and it's you and yours FIRST. 

Sure, leaving him waiting so long was thoughtless - I imagine you were having fun with your daughter for the first time in a long time and it felt wonderful and you dreaded rejoining him. 

Once you are free of him, seek out counseling (United Way has a family services division that offers counseling on a sliding scale based on income) and find out why you were OK with two relationships like this and do NOT get involved with ANY man for at least two years.

You are not crazy, but he is good at "crazy-making". It's a technique abusers use to keep you second-guessing yourself and to keep you thinking it's your fault he's mad.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Not a chance. If VCS is there I'm going in and may be broke when I come out!


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## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

The advice we give you only helps if you actually listen to it. 

You are in an abusive relationship. Get out and stay out.

You have a history of getting into and staying in abusive relationships. Stop. Get help; find a support group, get individual counseling, make friends, reinvent yourself (new hair and wardrobe) if you have too. 

I would guess that you have low self esteem/confidence and always have. You don't need these men. They need you. They need you because you are enabling them and that is something they relish. Only you can decide when enough is enough.

I promise you though that once you make the choice to build yourself up instead of letting small men beat you down you will start to feel less alone than you ever have.

You can live without these men and by doing so you are setting an example for your children that is priceless. Your children will take their relationship cues from you. Do you want your daughter thinking that this is how she should let men treat her? Or do you want her to find a man that cherishes and respects her? Do you want your son to think it is acceptable to treat women this way? Or do you want him to cherish and respect women? It seems like an easy choice, but I know it is hard. That is why I said only you can make the choice.

In regards to having money for counseling; there are battered women’s shelters all over. Find one and they will provide you with what they can.

I wish you the best.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Angel5112 said:


> In regards to having money for counseling; there are battered women’s shelters all over. Find one and they will provide you with what they can.



I don't see any part where she is a "battered woman". But I agree that they could really use some time apart. Things just sound too volatile right now for counseling to work.


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## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

> I could not get physical with this guy to save my own life, he has been trained in the military, he has taken several classes to learn how to be aggressive, I only know the basics but he knows what holds to use, how to pin me so I can't move, and he definitely knows how to hurt me...my daugher called the police on him one time because she was upstairs, we were downstairs fighting and he was throwing a gallon of water on me and dragging me by my hair out of the house. When the officer came out, I had left because things were too heated, but the officer called me back to the house to question me, when I got there, the officer questioned my daughter and me, and he told me that from the look of me, he did get rough with me, he told me that all I had to do was say yes and he would go to jail, but I kept him out of jail that night.


Either you didn't see this post, or you and I have a very different definition of battered. This is the only post where she gives examples of him actually getting physical with her, but it is implied in many others. He threatens to get physical with her is she won't do this or that, he corners her and uses her fear to make her do things...it's all a variation of the same thing. Not to mention the blatant SEVERE emotional abuse he is subjected her to. You can tell by the way she describes their relationship; apologizing to him for ridiculous things just to appease him, saying things like "I'm not a good woman", wanting to only make him happy at any cost. He is a classic abuser and she is the classic victim that doesn't know she is one.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Angel5112 said:


> Either you didn't see this post, or you and I have a very different definition of battered.


Angel, I assume you were talking to me. Yes, you are right I missed that small piece, although when I think of a man "battering" a woman, I am imagining something different, namely a husband who beats his wife, and she is running away in fear for her life. But I've never been to a woman's shelter so what do I know.

Anyway, she pays the bills, so he should leave, not her.


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## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

Those shelters will support any woman who is in abusive relationships and wants to get out. They are completely anonymous and they provide resources; counseling, clothes, shelter, food, etc. Whatever is needed.

If she hasn't reported the incidents to the police it is very unlikely that she will get her husband to leave willingly and she can't MAKE him. They are married and even though he doesn't have a job...well you catch my drift. I do agree that he should leave, not her, but unfortunately I don't think know that she has the confidence at this point to do what is necessary. 

I think she should get a restraining against him. That might help with getting him out of the house. I would think that the incident where her daughter called the police would help in that matter, but I am not a lawyer. The police have a record of it though. They responded and noticed signs of recent physical abuse on her body. That has to be on record somewhere.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Dear Readers of TAM,
> 
> Normally I would sympathize with *damiana879*, and like the others here, advise her to leave her husband for good. But something doesn't add up here.
> 
> ...


A lot of couples live in the same house until the divorce is final.

She stated that she's going through with the divorce and at the same time trying to see if she can get the marriage to work. Sometimes people file for divorce with the hope that it will shock their spouse into making necessary changes before the divorce is final. Remember that a divorce can be stopped up unilt the moment a judge signs the final decree.

I don't think that the divorce worked to shake him up enough. And I dont' think that the OP really understands that she's in a very bad situation.


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