# Need some feedback please



## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

I have posted my on-going saga on here before, but I thought I'd catch you up on things to date. My husband has not worked in a year and a half. He is an independent contractor and he hasn't been able to find work. When his last contract ran out, i immediately went back to work, even worked two jobs over the holidays to make ends meet. The only reason we've been able to survive this long is that his parents are paying all our bills and giving us money to live on. He has basically been a housewife instead of helping us out financially. Also, he has been working on his dissertation for his PhD for the last ten years! And is no where close to being done with that...so every semester we get a new $10k bill to his school for tuition because he won't finish it. So basically we are deep in debt and he won't help, just sponging off his parents and having me work non-stop. I want to leave but I can't afford to move out....not sure what to do. Should I secretly go to a lawyer to check out my options? Part of me is afraid to be alone again...like I failed in some way. Is that something you just get over once you're single again? If it weren't for the financial crisis we are in I would probably stay married to him forever, because I really do love him...I'm just so disappointed and depressed now. What can I do to feel better about moving on...the whole divorce idea is like an emotional hurricane I'm heading into and I'm scared. Any advice?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

MerryMerry said:


> If it weren't for the financial crisis we are in I would probably stay married to him forever, because I really do love him


Tell him what you said above and if it doesn't fix this year, you don't think you will be able to continue because your heart will give out. 

He needs to hear it. 

You are enabling him. Stop doing that and give him a chance to fix it one last time and then do what you have to do


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

So you're saying I should give him more time? I don't know, he's had 18 mos to find a job, any job, and has refused to do so. I don't think I'm doing the enabling, I feel that it's his parents who are the enablers. But without their help we couldn't pay our bills or eat. I feel like I don't have any choice but to stay and just completely grow to hate and resent him for the situation. I just don't see a way out...and it's killing me.


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## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

Here's my suggestion, which may or may not work for you: if he's trying to get a PhD in something, he must really care about that subject. Why not try to help him or at least encourage him to finish up his degree? You can emphasize the fact that when he finishes, he'll have a chance at finding more stable work* in a field that he likes and won't have to rely on finding short-term work or on his family. Maybe look up job listings and see if you can get him to talk to employers to see if they're interested in skills like his.

I guess a lot of people won't like that advice because it makes his problem into yours. And don't get me wrong here, this IS his problem and solving it isn't your responsibility. But at least this way you get to be the good guy to an extent. If the relationship is good outside of the money issue, it might be worth trying. Otherwise, I agree with the previous post...give him a time limit.

*I guess this depends on what his PhD is in. If it's French poetry or something, maybe not so much.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

LaundryMan said:


> Here's my suggestion, which may or may not work for you: if he's trying to get a PhD in something, he must really care about that subject. Why not try to help him or at least encourage him to finish up his degree? You can emphasize the fact that when he finishes, he'll have a chance at finding more stable work* in a field that he likes and won't have to rely on finding short-term work or on his family. Maybe look up job listings and see if you can get him to talk to employers to see if they're interested in skills like his.
> 
> I guess a lot of people won't like that advice because it makes his problem into yours. And don't get me wrong here, this IS his problem and solving it isn't your responsibility. But at least this way you get to be the good guy to an extent. If the relationship is good outside of the money issue, it might be worth trying. Otherwise, I agree with the previous post...give him a time limit.
> 
> *I guess this depends on what his PhD is in. If it's French poetry or something, maybe not so much.


People who want to work in their field FINISH.

People who dont want to work in their field ....dont.

Im guessing he falls in the latter category based on how he is getting support from his parents.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MerryMerry said:


> Any advice?


Yeah. Grow up, kick him out, and move on with your life. Like an adult.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sit him down and ask him about his Phd. Doing a Phd is not easy but 10 years that is a bit rich. Ask him for a status update. Has he done all the empirical research, how many chapters of this thesis has he written, what has his supervisor been saying, can you see his progress reports from the university (normally they will have something to say), what is his timetable for finishing, hard facts, which chapter, when? etc. Is he still actually registered with the university, they may have already kicked him out, check all of this. if he is lying and dragging his feet to avoid working then have it out with him. A phd hanging over someone's head can cause depression due to a sense of failure. Dig deeper before you make any rash decisions. He may have to cut his losses with the Phd and get a full time job.


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

turnera said:


> Yeah. Grow up, kick him out, and move on with your life. Like an adult.





aine said:


> Sit him down and ask him about his Phd. Doing a Phd is not easy but 10 years that is a bit rich. Ask him for a status update. Has he done all the empirical research, how many chapters of this thesis has he written, what has his supervisor been saying, can you see his progress reports from the university (normally they will have something to say), what is his timetable for finishing, hard facts, which chapter, when? etc. Is he still actually registered with the university, they may have already kicked him out, check all of this. if he is lying and dragging his feet to avoid working then have it out with him. A phd hanging over someone's head can cause depression due to a sense of failure. Dig deeper before you make any rash decisions. He may have to cut his losses with the Phd and get a full time job.



Aine, this was extremely helpful. I wrote down every thing you said to ask my husband. I needed very specific things to ask him and hold him accountable and that is what I will do. Right now, I have been nagging him so much about putting us deeper in debt with his education that he might lash out at me if I bring it up but I need to have answers to these questions. He has often brought up this overwhelming sense of failure he feels, not only with the phd but also having no job...and that is understandable, but DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I have been working so much and am now trying to take a class to help with future income. On the phone right now with the IRS because of the back taxes we owe because of him also. More debt. He is just terrible with deadlines and money. If he can't explain to me the status of the above mentioned then it would appear that he is 1. no where near getting his phd (brings more debt) and 2. that means he's no where near to getting a job either. and if those things are true then I just need to scrape together enough money to get out on my own. Trouble is it will take a big chunk of money to move out....and that can't happen until I start my new job (which I'm still studying for.) Meanwhile, I guess I just live with this stress. Thanks again, Aine. I am so upset right now.


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

aine said:


> Sit him down and ask him about his Phd. Doing a Phd is not easy but 10 years that is a bit rich. Ask him for a status update. Has he done all the empirical research, how many chapters of this thesis has he written, what has his supervisor been saying, can you see his progress reports from the university (normally they will have something to say), what is his timetable for finishing, hard facts, which chapter, when? etc. Is he still actually registered with the university, they may have already kicked him out, check all of this. if he is lying and dragging his feet to avoid working then have it out with him. A phd hanging over someone's head can cause depression due to a sense of failure. Dig deeper before you make any rash decisions. He may have to cut his losses with the Phd and get a full time job.


Ok, per the advice of Aine, I just asked the questions above and am completely dismayed by his responses. He's completed most of the research for his phd, is on chapter 5 which he hopes to finish in a few weeks; he has no correspondence with his advisor (why?); timetable for finishing is late spring/early summer. Here's the biggie: Are you still enrolled? Answer: NO!!! Has to come up with the money to be enrolled again! So that answers a lot of questions!!! Then I got to the work issue...I asked what actions have you taken this week to find work. His answer: none this week other than looking at the listings that are sent to his email on his phone. In other words, he has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO FIND WORK AND HE'S NOT EVEN ENROLLED IN SCHOOL (but he's still "working" on his dissertation.) So....I am officially out of options. I'm tired of begging him to do something and support his family. I'm tired to being the one to handle everything. I'm going to focus on getting my professional license, fixing up the house to sell this summer, saving my money (in a separate account) and mentally checking out. I have a feeling if I don't start to take care of myself that this will continue ad infinitum. If anyone has any rays of hope for me I'll surely listen....like "money isn't enough reason to leave, etc." or maybe "give him time to get a job" (he is currently in negotiations to get funding for a contract...but whatever!)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Merry, after years and years of therapy from dealing with a husband who won't step up, do you know what the one takeaway is? Stop trying to change your husband, and adjust YOUR life so that what he does or doesn't do no longer matters to you or affects your life. My IC even gave me the number of a carpenter so I could stop depending on my H and stop being disappointed by him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

turnera said:


> Merry, after years and years of therapy from dealing with a husband who won't step up, do you know what the one takeaway is? Stop trying to change your husband, and adjust YOUR life so that what he does or doesn't do no longer matters to you or affects your life. My IC even gave me the number of a carpenter so I could stop depending on my H and stop being disappointed by him.


Turnera, has hit it spot on. You may have to ask him to face reality with regard to his PhD. If he is no longer enrolled, the university may not even consider re-enrollment and his research data may well be out of date. His inertia probably stems from a sense of failure. You have to put these hard facts in front of him and tell him to cut his losses (all the money you have spent) and stop throwing good money after bad. Otherwise go with him to the university and see what the options are, there may be none. If he is not willing to do this, then look after yourself and go from there.


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