# Drowning



## Lost in the city. (Oct 26, 2012)

I'm lost and I've come to believe that I'm married to someone who doesn't really want to be married. 

Has anyone ever had a spouse or partner who, over time, became increasingly, aggressively, demanding of a life away from you and your family (we have a young boy)? Was it a midlife crisis, as some of my friends are suggesting this might be? Can I realistically hope that she will ever come back around, or should I be lawyering up?

Right now it feels like i'm pushing a rope, in that every time i reach out to her I'm spurned or rejected.

She's said multiple times regarding our son "He was my baby, but he's your boy". Is she telling me that she doesn't want to be a mother anymore?

Help.


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## Lost in the city. (Oct 26, 2012)

Before anyone suggests counseling, we're already on it. She's been pretty clammed up during sessions and for the most part insists that she's on a path that is right for her, and that the larger problem is that i'm simply not on my own separate path.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Think we need more details. When did this start, and why? How long has it been happening?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Sorry you're going through this it's sounds confusing as hell for you. Almost like marital quicksand, the harder you struggle for her the more you sink. How long have you been married? Does she go to IC as well?

It sounds like she is distancing herself from you. Have you noticed any behaviors that may lead you to believe there could be someone else?


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## Lost in the city. (Oct 26, 2012)

We've been together for 10 years, married for 8. The worst part of the standoffishness in our marriage began about 8 months ago and has been getting increasingly worse. Recently she secretly booked a private vacation for herself and told me about it in the middle of a heated discussion about my neediness and expectations (on the night we were celebrating our anniversary). I've tried to be as giving as I know how to be, but it really feels like I'm pushing a rope here. I've read a number of women on here who've said that when their husbands tried harder it actually turned them off even more, and my wife has said as much herself. 

I guess what I'm getting at is that she's told me through her words and actions that she longs to be single, but seems to want to have one of those marriages where we share a house and a child and nothing else.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I'm glad you're reading other posts. Yes, the harder you try the more she backs away. She could be being completely turned off and smothered by your neediness. She has lost a great deal of respect for you. 

There are some things you can do though. I recommend not trying so hard. Remain upbeat and positive around her without looking for approval. Her behavior has probably effected your self-esteem. 

Do you have a guys night out? Not really bar hopping but hanging and watching sports or, I think you get the picture? 

Read more posts on this forum.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Lost, she's got another guy(s). Now, don't confront her with this little tidbit of info. Ask yourself how you feel about that. If you knew right now for a fact that she was fvcking or planning fvck another guy(s), would you want to bring her back into the fold or would you want to move on? The advice you get will depend on the answer to that question. That's kind of the hinge that will determine your actions to come.

Incidentally, she's going to meet him/them on her vacation. If it's not already a physical relationship, it will be on this trip. Where's she going?

Does she work? GNO? When would she meet any playmates?

Since she's distancing from her son as well as you, it's possible her new main man has kids of his own. Either way, she's out of her mind on brain sex drugs right now. That's what's driving this behavior. The dopamine and norepinephrine are turning her into a crackhead for her new man. If it's already gone physical, it's even worse, because then the mix of mood elevating chemicals in semen has to be considered (affair sex is always unprotected sex).


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## Lost in the city. (Oct 26, 2012)

Is that supposed to be helpful, or just cute?


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Lost, he's right. Women don't go on vacations by themselves away from their husband and child without there being another man. 

You're about to go for a wild ride of self discovery. This happens to good men all the time on this forum. You need man up, quit being a nice guy, become a spy and find out what the hell is going on.

Take off the rose colored glasses and listen with open ears. You're going to get a lot of good advice from the folks in this forum who've been through all this before.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Machiavelli is probably right.

Regardless, you need to find out what's going on. Do the following NOW:

-Get a hold of her cell phone records. Look for a lot of texts/calls to one or two numbers especially at times when you're not together or late at night/early morning
-Get a keylogger program installed on your PC
-Get two voice activated recorders. Place one under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Use the other to switch out the one under her seat so you can listen and yet not miss other conversations she's having in her car (cheaters feel safe talking in their cars)

DO NOT ask her if she's cheating! She will DENY, DENY, DENY. Gather evidence QUIETLY

Do some reading up in the coping with infidelity section. Educate yourself! This doesn't look good!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Viseral said:


> Lost, he's right. Women don't go on vacations by themselves away from their husband and child without there being another man.
> 
> You're about to go for a wild ride of self discovery. This happens to good men all the time on this forum. You need man up, quit being a nice guy, become a spy and find out what the hell is going on.
> 
> Take off the rose colored glasses and listen with open ears. You're going to get a lot of good advice from the folks in this forum who've been through all this before.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Lost in the city. said:


> Is that supposed to be helpful, or just cute?


It's tough to do, but the sooner you can get past the denial stage, the sooner you can decide to win her back or get on with your life. Your wife is performing the standard cheating wife script line by line. The people on this forum can tell you what's going to happen next and we don't need a crystal ball. Everybody's already had the script read to them and they can help you stop her performance before she gets to the climax or else help you walk out of the theater. Your choice, but you need to wake up and start moving, and soon.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> before she gets to the climax or else help you walk out of the theater. Your choice, but you need to wake up and start moving, and soon.


:rofl:

He said "climax"


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Mid-life crisis at what age here?

Everything okay for almost 10 yrs. then a sudden shift 8 months ago from family life? Does she work? Good Mothers & loyal wives don't suddenly check out with a young child after only 10 yrs. w/o reasons.

All you have given us here is a MLC. Is she depressed? Does she give you a laundry list of reasons of what is wrong with you? What are your issues?

You can't even begin to get her to check back in w/o knowledge of her issues, which yes, could be cheating.

Good luck. I feel sorry for your young son.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Who is financing her alone vacation?


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Lost in the city. said:


> Is that supposed to be helpful, or just cute?


Lost in the city-- We all know what you're thinking--how could my wife do such a thing? (cheat) It seems unreal. We all think, "that's what happens to other marriages."

You've got to wake up, man. A wife doesn't suddenly just lose interest for no reason. Every time I've read a thread that starts out like yours, it always turns out that there's another man. (the OM) ALWAYS.

Dig, man, dig. Quietly. Don't let her know what you're doing. Gather all the evidence before you confront. Come here to get advice. The best thing you did was come here and post your situation. The collective braintrust here will help you get through this.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Viseral said:


> Lost, he's right. Women don't go on vacations by themselves away from their husband and child without there being another man.


Not to go off subject or anything, but this simply is not true. In my 12 years of marriage I've gone on 3(mini) vacations without my husband(usually 4 nights). I meet up with my friends I met online from a parenting site 11 years ago. We do a girls get together. Now it's down to me and my best friend. I'm making plans to meet her again within the next year or two. My husband has zero issues and fully trusts me. However, we have no issues in our marriage. I use my frequent flyer miles and fly out of state. My last trip I went to CA and stayed on the Queen Mary ship for 4 nights to see my best friend. Never in a million years would I cheat on my husband, nor would I put myself in the situation to.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

There is currently being formulated a "scenario" inside of her, consisting of several "reasons for splitting". Whether they are true or not doesnt matter, these actions seem to be handpicked validations of these reasons, to justify splitting. You will see nothing further from her but methodology and actions that all fall right in line with validating her desire to leave. Its guilt, she is seeking to dispel, by not allowing anything between you that doesnt directly support this "scenario" of things "being bad" between you two. Not only is she focused on the negative, and doing nothing to help matters, but she is creating a situation where she can ultimately say "this sucks" and feel justified for saying so. 

Prevention of the support of the marriage, in order to not feel guilty for the desire to leave.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Sounds like she has another man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You cannot control her or change her. You can work on yourself and you can encourage her to come along with you. So for now I recommend a self evaluation. Improve where you can. Eat well, exercise, sleep regularly. Be involved in your kids' lives but also be sure to have your own activities and interests. Cut down on tv and video games for everyone in the house.

Whatever she is doing is on her, not you. Your self improvement is for your sake, not hers. If she is failing to be in your marriage it is not your fault! But because you are responsible for half of the marriage it is important that you be the best you can in that half.

Meanwhile, do some checking up on her. Review phone records, credit card bills, bank statements. Check out her email and FaceBook type of accounts and read all of the messages. She may leave the computer logged on, or her phone may automatically log in to those apps.

Do not tell her what you are doing, and if you find something do not reveal it to her before coming here for advice from those who have btdt. Never reveal your sources to her and do not confront until you have absolute proof of an affair.

I am hoping she is having doubts but has not totally checked out nor has she started any kind of affair.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Lost in the city. said:


> She's said multiple times regarding our son "He was my baby, but he's your boy". Is she telling me that she doesn't want to be a mother anymore?


Difficult to know exactly what she thinks she's saying but we can understand pretty clearly what she's not saying. I was having this discussion with a newly divorced friend last night. You've got the kid in the flesh and that may be all that you can reasonably expect from this woman. If the responsibility to raise him falls on you, so be it. It was always your responsibility anyway. If your wife wants to leave, let her go and find someone else to help.

All people, men and women, have to decide for themselves whether their priority is relationship or independence. You can't make that decision for someone else, even if you are married to them. Make yourself a better person. Raise your son to be an even better person than yourself by putting more of yourself into him to make up for what he's not getting from his mom.


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## Lost in the city. (Oct 26, 2012)

Thank you all for your time and thoughts. Even the comments that stung were worth hearing. I know that I have some difficult years ahead of me regardless of what happens next and right now just knowing that there are so very many other folks out there who "get it" is comfort, even if that comfort is cold.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, I have to ask, why is she doing individual counseling instead of the two of you doing marriage counseling? Is she going to counseling for a specific issue or condition or is it more of a general unhappiness? 

My guess is you suffer from doormat syndrome. Do you worship your wife, put her on a pedestal or try to take on the majority of the work around the house to make her happy? Or are you lavishing her with gifts or nice gestures to make her feel good? If so, STOP. My guess is that you overindulge your wife and she now has a feeling of superiority over you - like a lord for his vassal...

I'd tell your wife that it's time for her to cut out the bullsh!t. Either you want to be married to me and you will start to treat me like your man, or you don't want me and we part ways now. I'd also tell her that you're not an idiot and know exactly what she has in mind by going on a vacation by herself. If she insists on taking this vacation by herself, then don't bother coming back. You'll pack up her stuff and send it to her mother's house. JMHO, but this sh!t can go on. You need to take back your respect.


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