# Advice Wanted



## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

Hi All, 

I am new to the forum and have joined trying to seek some advice in something I beleive is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and also I just need to tell someone as it is burning and cutting me up on the inside. 

Quick back ground, I am 33 yo male in a relationship or 6 years with 37 yo female. Living with us we have partners two children from previous (aged 9 and 8) and our 2 year old son. We also have my 3 other children from previous relationship stay at different times as well. 

Problem I have and I know this is something that I have created is that I cheated just before New Year, only once and I regretted it as soon as it happened. It's hurt me but not as much as it will hurt her. Since it happened we have only had sex once and that's because I have kept my distance. This is because I believe I may have picked something up from my episode of cheating. Some slight symptons, but enough that have made me go and get tested and I am waiting the results. 

My dilema is that I am struggling with how I am going to tell my partner about the issue if I come back as testing positive with something (it was unprotected sex when I cheated so stupid!), I am even with the dilema in my head even if they are negative that I should tell her so that I can protect her totally (I know to protect her totally I should not have done what I have done and that has totally ripped me apart). 

I we had not had sex since the episode it would be a case of I have learnt my lesson with the guilt I have felt since that I would never do anything like this again, it may sound cliche but it is totally true. 

Over the last few weeks, she has been planning so much for the uture trying to work out how we are going to afford moving to a larger house as the little one gets bigger, and it has been breaking my heart listening knowing that she may decide very soon there may not be a future for us. 

I know that this totally of my creating and that what ever happens I deserve the outcome, but I really do want us to try and put it behind us and to move forward and try and work the problem out, although I think from conversations that we have had the outcome will be instant in her head and it won't be a good one. I am preparing myself for that being the outcome although it is not what I want. 

I am really struggling to work out how to tell her, I want to do it face to face and not hide behind technology, but want to do it in a way that I have a chance to try and salvage something from the relationship for us and for the children. I know I have been stupid I know it is the greatest of sins, and will be seen that way to her. I am distraught (my own fault I know) with anguish trying to work it all out, and know the time of saying something is getting closer and am unsure how I will do it...

Can anyone offer any advice at all, on how I can go about this...


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

When will you be finding out your test results? 
Who was the girl you cheated with? 
Has your wife not realised that you've been putting off sex for the last month and a half? 

You need to tell her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

ubercoolpanda said:


> When will you be finding out your test results?
> Who was the girl you cheated with?
> Has your wife not realised that you've been putting off sex for the last month and a half?
> 
> ...


Within the next I should have the test results, I was tested a week ago today they told me it would be within two weeks...
Girl was a one off I met on an internet site, it wouldn't happen again.
Sex has been sporadic recently anyway because we have the toddler still in with us, and once every 2-3 weeks was average for us recently.

I know I need to tell her I am just so frightened of what the outcome will be, I scared that through this once mistake I could of ruined everyones lifes.....it is this guilt that is building up inside that makes me know that I would never do it again, but I think that won't be enough for her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I suggest that you do some reading on how to recover from infidelty so that you can help your wife heal from the infidelity. 

Hopefully you have not given your wife any thing. If your test is positive you will have to tell her because she will need to be tested and probably treated as well. I hope that the STD is one that can be treated if you did get one.


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

I am praying that the tests come back negative, but just have this niggling doubt - that may seem like a get of jail card but I have truly learnt my lesson with the thoughts how much I could loose.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Reformation said:


> I am praying that the tests come back negative, but just have this niggling doubt - that may seem like a get of jail card but I have truly learnt my lesson with the thoughts how much I could loose.


If it comes back negative, will you still tell her?

One of the hardest things I have ever done was to tell my wife, and I stopped short of sex mere moments before I did the -unprotected- deed with my AP.

We will be here for you and for her.

Why did her first marriage fail? Please don't tell me he cheated on her?


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> If it comes back negative, will you still tell her?


I know I should, but almost feel that it will be lesson learnt and that it is a case of take task of what you have learnt in your own head and learn from it. Although I know it is only online I know some tests can give a wrong result. So to protect her totally I have to tell her, so have kind of already made that descision I think.



MattMatt said:


> Why did her first marriage fail? Please don't tell me he heated on her?


You guessed it! From conversations we have had it seems throughout her long term relationships she has always been left for someone else, and that now is chewing me up so much. I always promised I wouldn't ever hurt her like that, but then a rush of stupidy I have gone and done it. I just hope the fact that I want to fight to save something is my grace and I may talk her round. 

But I have kind of already started planning what I need for a new house by myself, as if I already know what she will say. 

I'm sad, and I am sad with myself no cross with myself for what I have done. 

What ever happens it will take me as long to forgive myself as it will (if she can at all) for her to forgive me...again very cliched sounding but very true!

EDIT: My first didn't end because of cheating but just that we grew apart after getting together very young.


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

I almost said last weekend but she seemed so happy and I couldn't burst the bubble (selfish I know because I just wanted the happy moment to last for as long as possible)... 

I made the desciison Monday to wait until my test results came through till saying something, I know putting off the inveitable, have been fine during the week. 

But am at my parents visitinig my children from preivous this weekend and it's hit me again what I have done and what distruction it could cause. 

I just know I have to say something and it is going to affect so many people and it is going to be so hurtful to everyone ...... so I have to think and ask myself ....why...am I so stupid for getting here in the first place... 

(I have been running this over and over in my head without an outlet for weeks it has been good to get just part o what I have been thinking out. I know it's my fault and I am the guilty party, but it still feels so raw in pain as if I am on the other end, if this is what I feel in guilt, I am so sad for what she is going to feel in pain)


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what you haven't mentioned at all in here is why did you cheat? Why did you decide to make those steps that connected you to some woman off a website? What's going to stop you from doing it again in 6 months?

C


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

PBear said:


> So what you haven't mentioned at all in here is why did you cheat? Why did you decide to make those steps that connected you to some woman off a website? What's going to stop you from doing it again in 6 months?
> 
> C


The thought of the thrill of something different, something new. 

I went onto the website at first just for a nosey, I sleep funny, and I just went to look when I couldn't sleep, and then I messaged someone and then I knew I should of stopped but I was caught in the trap and was not strong enough to stop myself and then it went from there and before I knew it had happeend. 

I know it sounds very weak and I know how it looks, and I just wished I could go back and change it I really do, I think about it constantly and am continually beating mysel for how stupid and foolish I have been. 

The way I have beat myslef up over the last few weeks I have learnt my lesson, I could never get to this point again, I would never want to go down to have the possibility to cause so much hurt again. 6 months forget it no way 5 years never, 10 years no... I know where I want to be, I don't want anything else, it has made me realise how much I love her and the children and want to be part of the plans for the future, it has been breaking my heart so much listening to her plan over the last few weeks and knowing I could rip the rug from under her and destroy anything. I would do anything in my power to make sure that rug would stay firmly in place if I was given just that one more chance. I just don't think she is going to allow it


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Reformation said:


> I know I should, but almost feel that it will be lesson learnt and that it is a case of take task of what you have learnt in your own head and learn from it. Although I know it is only online I know some tests can give a wrong result. So to protect her totally I have to tell her, so have kind of already made that descision I think.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Oh, sweet Lord. Now I feel sick.


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Oh, sweet Lord. Now I feel sick.


No chance have i


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Its been almost a month and a half since you f*cked another woman without worrying about your vows, your partners safety and sanity, or the impact your amazingly stupid careless act would have on her life. You premeditated your infidelity, you didn't just trip and end up slipping inside your affair partner, you signed up for a dating/whoring/whatever site, sought out an affair partner, and made arrangements to have sex (spending a min or two arranging a condom wouldn't have been a herculean effort). So why don't you stop trying to sugar coat the whole thing and take some responsibility for your actions.

Every day that passes without you saying anything to your partner is another betrayal. You are stealing her choice to leave/stay/whatever and in my eyes are making the situation worse. 

Tell her as soon as she wakes up. Own up to it, don't make excuses or justifications. Tell her she needs to go get tested, and that you are waiting on results. If she takes it hard, make sure you have arrangements to have your kids looked after so you can be there for her if she needs or wants you.

Don't say stuff like "I was trapped and couldn't stop" that's a bunch of crap, no one was holding a gun to your head. Maybe arrange for some individual counseling for yourself to try and figure out why you acted the way that you did.

Don't lie about anything, don't withhold anything to try and "protect" her. She needs the whole unfiltered truth. If anything new comes up later, it will hurt her worse.

Try and be a man, own what you did, accept what happens, and do your best to help her heal.

Best of luck to you.


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

So by saying nothing and holding out I am just making this harder. If it is a case that there can be no reconciliation then it would be better I said something sooner. If anyrhung alone just to stop me going mad. I know Valentines is only on Thursday and that is bearing on my mind but I have to say something .

Tomorrow evening when children are in bed is my best oppurtunity. Get everything done all chores done and sit her down and talk. I have been going over what I would say exactly for days, I dont think it matters to much but here is what I have in my head it mau help me just writing it to

'I have done something really stupid and have been trying to think how to fix it. But the only way I can think that I stand any chance of fixing it is going to break yoyr heart and mine in the process to.

I've cheated, i am sorry - I have been to get tested to be safe and think you should do the same to just to make sure and I just want to protect you. 

It has been breaking my heart listening to you plan everything and knowong that you may now not decide that future. But i want to tall and try and save that future and work something so that we can try and salvage something from this stupid mess I have created'

Thats what I have in my head at the moment with just over 24 hoirs left before I am planning on talking to her.

Would it be wrobg also no matter what happens to buy a Valentones gift, my head is screwed right now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

@paladin - I understand all this of my own creation and the mess is my fault. I undrrstand I have to tell her and this it is going to cause much more hurt and heartache for a lot of people. 

What I am stuggling with is working out what ro say and how to say itvand tjay is what I trying to work out.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

You sit her down, and tell her exactly what you did without trying to sound like you are justifying your actions in any way.

"Partner, I need to tell you something and need some of your time. Is this an ok time to talk? If not, please let me know when you have time to discuss an urgent matter.

On (such date) I had an affair with a woman I met on (whatever.com). I had unprotected sex with her and recently went to get tested for STDs, I am waiting for the results, but in the meantime, you should get tested as well. I am terribly sorry for what I have done, I know that hearing this from me is is devastating and I am willing to do anything and everything you need from me to help you heal and recover from the pain I have caused. 

I am willing to openly answer any questions you have about what I did, as many times as you need to ask them. I am sorry I did not tell you sooner, and I hope that there is a chance for us to try and rebuild the marriage that I selfishly destroyed."

Be prepared to do what she asks of you, and don't lie about anything. If she has the heart and strength to forgive you and reconcile, catching you in a lie about anything will hurt your chances for reconciliation. Stop thinking about yourself now, and think only of her and what she will need over the next few days. Do some reading on recovering from an affair, as some have already suggested to you earlier in this thread.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Reformation said:


> No chance have i


*
The one chance of being honest with your wife.*

I was honest. My wife forgave me, but as she realised that my affair was a result of her affair, well... our situation was different to yours.

Good luck and best wishes to you both. You'll be in my prayers.:smthumbup:


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

Thanks paladin and mattmatt
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Also be prepared to answer these questions, as they were the first to pop up in my mind:

How could you do this to me/our child? Why; am I not enough for you? If you miss something in our marriage, why didn't you come to me so we could work it out? And then the closing argument rethorical question: How can I ever trust you again??? (or as PBear phrased it; what's gonna stop you from doing it again? And no, guilt alone is not enough)


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

If you have been in such a state of guilt for the last few weeks, you can be assured your wife has noticed something is up. She will be wondering what is wrong & probably based on her previous experiences, will be thinking that you are looking or have found someone else.

As others have advised, do not deflect any guilt back onto her.

Be honest, give the whole truth.

Expect her to be very upset. She may ask you to leave immediately. Understand she needs time to process the information, she probably won't want you hovering over her while she comes to terms with what you have told her.

Don't beg, don't grovel. State that you want to make the marriage work, you are truly repentant and you will go to counseling to sort out what made you seek out excitement from outside your marriage.
Remember, she will need time to digest what you have told her and she will need space to think.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Reformation said:


> The thought of the thrill of something different, something new. I hope you will be honest with her. She has the right to know what you have done.
> 
> I went onto the website at first just for a nosey, I call BS on this. I sleep funny, and I just went to look when I couldn't sleep, and then I messaged someone See BS. You were actively seeking some 'strange' as the Guy says.and then I knew I should of stopped but I was caught in the trap and was not strong enough Again BS, it's not about being strong, it's about having boundaries. You jumped right over several boundaries.to stop myself and then it went from there and before I knew it had happeend. Yeah, poor you. It just happened. Did you plan a meet up, yes. Did you take just a little extra care & time getting ready for your hookup? Did you drive to meet her? Did you help her remove her clothes. Yeah, it just happened.
> 
> ...


 Please tell your wife what you have done. Please tell her you actively sought out a stranger, met up, hooked up, went bareback, and now may expose her to who knows what.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

@aunt ava, everyone is entitled to their opinion amd you have expressed yours. All I will say is that I am learning a new set of emotions and feelings ones I never want to feel again. I know I am the fault and I am the one that is ging to cause a lot of hurt after I tell her tonight. I am scared of whatvI can loose and do undrstand I should of thoughr of that sooner. 

But that you for the information I will make sure I read it and digest ir.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

Private Detective Advice said:


> Hi Reformation
> 
> If she had made the same mistake would you want her to tell you?


In the first initial gut thoughr i would say no i would rather not no - but because of the possible medical implications their is no choice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: Advice Wanted*



Reformation said:


> In the first initial gut thoughr i would say no i would rather not no - but because of the possible medical implications their is no choice
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If this is your attitude and line of thinking, you haven't reformed anything. It's this kind of thinking that got you in this situation in the first place.


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

A total different view to ever other that has been expressed, I thought about this and undrstand it as the get out of jail card. Although frok what I have read sometimea the tests grt it wrong and thats a niggle at the back of my mind I cant leave alone 

I am still set to come clean tonight
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

*Re: Re: Advice Wanted*



Private Detective Advice said:


> If you come back clean....Keep it to yourself and do not do it again. I would then examine internally why you did it in the first place. The worrying you are going through is your payback. I hope you come back clean.


This was sarcasm right? Cause if not, its one of the worst pieces of advice I've read on these boards. She deserves to know that he broke his vows and killed their marriage. She deserves to have the choice to divorce his as$ for what he did. No one deserves to be lied to, especially at the level you are talking about.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: Advice Wanted*



Reformation said:


> A total different view to ever other that has been expressed, I thought about this and undrstand it as the get out of jail card. Although frok what I have read sometimea the tests grt it wrong and thats a niggle at the back of my mind I cant leave alone
> 
> I am still set to come clean tonight
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does that mean that the only thing you regret is not using protection?


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

cpacan said:


> Does that mean that the only thing you regret is not using protection?


No - I regret everything 

Ilook backvat it and see so many times where I had the chance to stop it from actually happening and kick myself for each one. I totally uttelly feel ashamed for allowing it to happen
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Reformation (Feb 10, 2013)

I do realise she does deserve the truth although not married we have made commitments to each other within our lives and I have gone and broken that. I understand that what I have to do is going to cause so much pain to a lot of people and the blame for that totally lies with me. What ever happens I deserve what I get and only have myself to blame. 

I now need to stand up do the right thing respect what she chooses to do and try and help her as much as she allows me to through the mess that I have created. 

A lot of choices are going to be made in the next 24 hours that will affect the future forever but the choice I should of made was not to pit us in this situation in the first place
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I don't believe you can be pronounced free of STDs so quickly, therefore a negative test now would not be the end. Sorry.

HIV for one could still be an issue. And someone who has unprotected sex with strangers has to be not low risk.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

One 'bad mistake' undealt with can lead to more 'bad mistakes', especially if there are no consequences. 
How do you think employees extort money from the company they work for? They do it once, feel bad & if they get away with it, the next time they need money, the extort a little more, and each time they feel less bad & more triumphant, until such time as they believe they are untouchable. Then there is a whole world of trouble when it all comes out.

Same with sexual cheating. Sure, he feels bad now, but that is a temporary state, after a little while, the feeling for more excitement will overwhelm the feeling guilty & since he got away with it, there is nothing stopping him from venturing away from the marriage again.

I believe that unconfessed straying is a festering wound in a marriage.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Private Detective Advice said:


> Paladin...Are you saying that if you made one, just one bad mistake and slept with another person you would confess to your partner and I quote "Kill Your Marriage"? I am not suggesting that Reformation lie to her. If she found out and asked him I would suggest he then tells the truth. But to bring up this one mistake that he made and tell her to relieve his guilt is just wrong..In my opinion. He should use this opportunity to LOVE and CHERISH his wife even more everyday. On the other hand, if he had an affair that lasted months or longer and after it ended decided to tell her...then I agree he should and suffer the repercussions. This was obviously a bad one time mistake and tell her is like pouring gasoline onto a small fire. The house will burn down!


If it really isn't a big deal to his wife, she will eventually get over it and forgive, but that's up to to her to decide for herself, don't you think? It is not the confession that kills the marriage, it's the cheating act.

Oh, and consealment is a lie that just hasn't left the mouth yet.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Yes, if I made the mistake of cheating on my spouse I would confess immidiatley and give her the choice to forgive or leave me. I also think there is very little difference between a one night stand, and a long term affair. Both require the cheater to break their vows and both can be equated with the death of a marriage. There is no grey area here, you are faithful or you are not, you kept your vows, or you did not. the OPs affair was not an accident, read my original response to him. He premeditated his affair, and how large of a fire it is, depends entirely on what side of the betrayal you are on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Private Detective Advice said:


> Well It seems I am out numbered on the "not telling her" suggestion. Since I have never been unfaithful, perhaps I am looking at this suggestion to keep it to himself in the wrong light. I am looking at this whole thing through the eyes of people I know who have confessed and not confessed. I am quite interested in understanding the dynamics of why the infidelity happened in the first place.


If you want to understand, get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't. I guess I'm really starting to see a lot of differences in my personality here recently. With the family dynamics involved and the fact that there are many young children in this scenario, it's not as black and white I would think.

Seems like a very stupid, awful mistake of an affair. But also seems more like using another person to get off than any kind of connection in this case. Still completely wrong. But now I'm starting to realize that "wrong" is a construct with varying levels.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

You obviously have something going on that has made you unhappy for you to even consider and even go through with cheating. I never cheated but once my wife had a EA is when i actually realized that it wasn't only her who was unhappy i was also unhappy. So Maybe you need to put some thought into why you even thought of it and proceeded with it. Your guilt atm might just be a temporary fix and then eventually you may fall in the same rut because what ever you were unhappy with that you didn't realize could pop up again. 

Yes you do need to tell you wife. You are married and she deserves to know.


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