# Steps to stop an affair



## notreadytoquit

I came across this article about steps to take to stop an affair. I would like to hear your opinions, and especially of those who are in the marriage counselling business. I am really interested about the part that talks about exposing the affair to friends and family and the way this article approaches that subject.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Is-Your-Spouse-Caught-Up-in-an-Affair?--Stop-it-Now!&id=1869007

Is your spouse caught up in an affair and they won't quit? Are they on the fence and bouncing between you and the other person? Would you like them to stop seeing the other person for good?

You should look at infidelity as an addiction and treat it as such. An affair is just as destructive as an addiction and it harms everyone it touches. You can apply many of the strategies that addiction recovery programs have used successfully for years. Many spouse's, when faced with their partners affair, make mistakes. Sometimes huge mistakes but this is normal and to be expected. This is such a devastating time in your life and your emotions are running in huge overtime. The thing to do is put all these emotions on hold and use sound necessary steps that are from a rational, educated and compassionate place. Trust me, this is the hardest thing in the world to do because I know that your world is crumbling at your feet and your heart is torn to pieces and you feel like your soul has died. If you let your emotions take over, your marriage could end up sliding towards divorce even though that isn't what you want.

Almost ALL affairs end. Less than 1% of affairs go on to be real relationships. Most all those who stray want to reconcile the marriage. The problem is, if they stay in the affair too long, the betrayed spouse gets fed up, loses all feelings of love toward their spouse and end up leaving. The say things like "I don't even know this person anymore!" or "This isn't the person I married." There are steps you can take to end their affair.

Intervention 
Just like you do with someone addicted to alcohol or drugs, a good ole intervention! Where all their friends and family are there telling them that right NOW they have stop what they are doing and get help (marriage counseling or coaching). The family and friends also set firm boundaries with what they are willing to put up with now and in the future if this person wants to stay in their lives. This is a form of "Tough Love". You're saying that you love them and the life you both have together very much and that you're willing to make them uncomfortable and angry in order to end their destructive behavior. You're also saying that you care enough about yourself to set boundaries about what you are willing to accept in your life if they continue on in this affair.

Stop the Madness! 
You need to stop screaming, yelling, fit throwing, arguing, and blaming. I know this seems impossible because they deserve all of the above but you want to look good to them and a screaming manic doesn't look good to anyone. You must learn to keep your emotions under control. If you can't then find a support group, yell and scream about it to a counselor but do everything you cannot to direct it towards your spouse. You want to be someone they want to be with, remember that.

Stop Annoying Behaviors 
Are there things that drive your spouse nuts and are very irritating to your spouse? Stop doing them! Just know that nothing you have done or haven't done is any justification for your spouse's affair. But since we are on a mission of saving the marriage these things could be coming in between you both and they need to end. You don't need to become the perfect spouse and personal change takes time so don't start blaming yourself for the affair and don't fall for the "if I'm just good enough the affair will end". This all leads to you thinking you have to be perfect and that isn't true. Some things would be poor hygiene habits, too much time in doing things like TV, computer, talking on the phone, shopping, etc., talking about your spouse in poor light to others outside the marriage, losing control and going into rages, things like this. I'm sure you get the idea.

Make Your Spouse's Life With You Peaceful, Respectful 
Do not go crazy and smoother them, this will drive them away. You don't need to get presents, spend every minute of every day next to them, and hover over them. This is annoying and we are trying NOT to be annoying. You need to uphold your own dignity. Be polite, respectful, and friendly but do NOT smoother! This is all about honoring both yourself and your spouse. This has nothing to do about you becoming a doormat and allowing the affair to continue on without standing up for yourself. This is about having good manners in the face of a very bad situation. Don't be mislead into thinking that you are saying that the affair was in a any way okay. What you are doing is stopping the harm being done to your marriage by intervening.

Confronting Your Spouse 
Before confronting your spouse be sure to have rock solid evidence so they can't start denying it and then try and get you to feel "crazy" and that it's all in your head. When you are confronting them you are not blaming, accusing, or being disrespectful. You are making factual statements about your evidence. Like, "I have found your cell phone records and I have seen you two together, I have these pictures from the P. I." Things like this. You just state what you have against them. Then you tell them how you feel about it. "I am totally devastated and hurt beyond your wildest imagination. My world fell apart when I found (fill in the blank). This will destroy our marriage if this continues on. You need to end all contact with (other person) and commit yourself back to our marriage.

You may think that you can't confront your spouse because you are supposed to be friendly and respectful but this has nothing to do with that. This is about saving your marriage. Being friendly and respectful doesn't mean that you are going to hide your head in the sand and pretend everything is okay when it's clearly not. Your goal is to make the affair extremely uncomfortable. You are to keep your dignity during this confrontation though. Draw your boundaries and stick to them.

Expose, Expose, Expose

I know, I know, you really don't want to do this. You have many excuses why not too. I can't seem to get people to do this but it's the most important thing for you to do. If you chose not to expose the affair you are letting your spouse continue on with the affair because you are making it safe for him/her to do so. Affairs are just like addictions and they take off like fire under the cloak of darkness but bring the affair to the light of day and it like throwing gallons of water on the fire making it go right out. A lot of the time, affairs stop only when exposed.

Who to Tell 
Your family, your spouse's family, your friends, his/her friends, his/her boss or work, colleagues, your church family, the other person's family and friends, etc. Just know that you are not "spouse bashing", this is not where you run and tell everyone you come across what a horrible spouse you have. That is not the point in telling people. Here is what you want to say. "My spouse is having an affair with (other person). I know this because of (tell of the evidence). I love (spouse's name) and I want to save our marriage. Please help me by encouraging him/her to do the right thing by ending their affair and all contact with (other person's name) and recommit to our marriage.

It is VERY important that you tell the other person's spouse if they are married. This will help in getting the affair over quickly. This is your goal, to end the affair and this is the quickest way to do just that. There is no hope for your marriage if the affair continues.

Most affairs happen in the workplace so it is extremely important to expose the affair where they work. Most places of employment will put a stop to an ongoing affair if they know about it. Get in contact with his/her human resources department and let them know what is going on. Remember that when you are exposing the affair to their workplace to keep it respectful and not spouse bashing. Here's what you can say. "My (spouse's name) is having an affair with one of your employee's (other persons name). I know you will want to know this because of the high risk of sexual harassment due to inter office affairs. I would hate to see this happen to your company. I want to keep my marriage and family together and I love (spouse's name) very much so I am hoping that you will take steps in stopping this affair. Thank you."

You will only be taken seriously if you remain composed and calm the whole time. You don't want to sound like a psycho going off on their spouse trying to stir up trouble. You will find that most people run away when you start talking about infidelity but if you talk about it in a matter of fact way, more people will listen to you and take you seriously.

Is Confronting Mean? 
A lot of people think that exposing the affair to all these people is mean. I will tell you that your spouse will become VERY ugly when they find out about all the people you have been telling. They are this way because, number one, they don't want their fantasy to end and putting light on it makes it end very fast. Number two, they may be ashamed of what they have done and aren't proud of the fact and are upset that their mistakes are known. You cannot let this stop you. Do not just look at today! The anger will pass, you are striving for a bigger goal and that is saving your marriage at all costs! Treat this just like your spouse has an addiction and needs a major intervention to stop his/her destructive behavior. In no way are you being "mean" to your spouse, you are saving them and your family. This is where your love and commitment comes in, where you can face your spouse's anger to save something as precious as your marriage and family.

Confronting the Other Person 
You are NOT going to want to do this face to face. I do not ever tell anyone to do this face to face. Emotions can really go wild and you will find yourself behaving in ways you wish you never did. It's better to either write a letter or an email. You only want to say this, "I know that you are having an affair with my husband/wife. I love him/her very much and I want to save my marriage and keep my family together. Your relationship with my husband/wife is NOT okay. This affair is coming in between us and making it impossible to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with (spouse's name) forever.

Okay, so they will probably have a really good laugh over it or deny it all or say that they are going to sue the pants off you. Believe it or not the point of the letter isn't to get them to end their affair with your spouse but to through a huge wrench into the affair and really rock the boat. You want to cause major conflict in their relationship. You don't want their relationship to be all rosy and wonderful, like they think it is. Remember they are in a fantasy and none of it is real. The sooner your spouse wakes up to this the better. You are hoping that they know spend their time together talking about YOU and how horrible and psycho you are, and this is okay. It doesn't matter what they are talking about as long as it's unpleasant. Having them fight is better then having them have a romantic dinner together.

Your spouse may have also told the affair partner that they were divorced, separated or that there really is no love at home. Sending this letter will show you in a different light and the affair partner may start seeing that your spouse has been lying to them too.

Get Support 
Find a support group so that you can find others in the same situation that you are in. It's amazing at how much this helps because at times like these it's so easy to feel very much alone. I would also try and find a marriage coach/counselor that deals with infidelity. They really understand all the in's and out's of an affair and can really help you. This is very important because your in so much pain that you can't see beyond the right now and you need someone there to help you see the future and what moves to make so that you can save your marriage. They will help you not do things from an emotional stand point but a rational one.


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## turnera

This is EXACTLY what people should do. I've spent a lot of time on another website forum where this is the rule, not the exception. I can't tell you how many people have come there, been told to expose, and fought it, fought it, fought it. It's not niiiice, it seems meeeeean, she'll be maaaaad. Well, guess what? Almost all the people who go there get convinced, DO expose the affair, and STOP the affair. It's simply a psychological matter - you don't do what harms you; exposure puts the onus on the affair partners to justify themselves. And they can't. Everyone knowing ruins the excitement of sneaking around; it lowers the places they can go cos everyone is watching to see what they do; and it bursts the fantasy bubble they've built up wherein they shed themselves of the 'awful' spouses and start a new happy family together and their families welcome the cheater into the family. Once exposed, none of this is viable any more.

The number one reason people make for NOT exposing? He'll/she'll be mad at me.

So what?

Shouldn't it be YOU who is mad at him/her? Yet, once you find out that your spouse is willing to damage your marriage, YOU get scared as hell that you might LOSE your wayward spouse, and you turn into a wimpering coward.

Exactly the wrong thing to do.

The most successful recovery I ever saw? A guy walks into one of his homes, finds his wife on the floor with another man, naked. He grabs their clothes, walks outside and dumps the clothes in the middle of the street (where they had to run to retrieve them). He exposed, his wife begged him to take her back; the affair ended; he ran into the OM at a diner with ANOTHER woman, making out; he whips out his camera phone, takes their picture, and sends it to the man's wife; who finally divorced the POS.


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## Calypso

Once I called the OW's H it blew the whole affair apart. I had tried and tried to talk sense into them and had threaten to tell if they didn't stop. Well they kept at it and kept lying to me so in the end I had no choice. Why should the OW get away with having an affair and her H be in the dark about it? 
So I called my H then the OW and told them I was calling her H. I told them I had made copies of everything I had and was going to give it to him as proof. So that is just what I did and the A came to a complete stop once her H was in the picture.
There was a couple times they made contact by phone and email after that but I called her H everytime I found out they had contact. I kept in contact with OW's H and we promised each other that if we found out any info we would let each other know so we wouldn't be in the dark. The last time the OW tried to contact my H I called her work and told her boss. I then called her H and let him know what I did. Then told her H to let his wife know I called her boss. That was the last my H or I ever heard from her. I tried to be fair and didn't want to be the bad person. But, in the end I didn't care about anyone but me and my kids so anything was fair game. You can't keep it to yourself you have to get it all out in the open.


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## notreadytoquit

Calypso said:


> Once I called the OW's H it blew the whole affair apart. I had tried and tried to talk sense into them and had threaten to tell if they didn't stop. Well they kept at it and kept lying to me so in the end I had no choice. Why should the OW get away with having an affair and her H be in the dark about it?
> So I called my H then the OW and told them I was calling her H. I told them I had made copies of everything I had and was going to give it to him as proof. So that is just what I did and the A came to a complete stop once her H was in the picture.
> There was a couple times they made contact by phone and email after that but I called her H everytime I found out they had contact. I kept in contact with OW's H and we promised each other that if we found out any info we would let each other know so we wouldn't be in the dark. The last time the OW tried to contact my H I called her work and told her boss. I then called her H and let him know what I did. Then told her H to let his wife know I called her boss. That was the last my H or I ever heard from her. I tried to be fair and didn't want to be the bad person. But, in the end I didn't care about anyone but me and my kids so anything was fair game. You can't keep it to yourself you have to get it all out in the open.


What happened between you and your husband? Did you reconcile?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notreadytoquit

Anyone else who has gone through this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk

I think the concept of bringing it all to the light of day is a good one. I think gathering information and making sure it is factual is also very good, and staying low drama as you deliver it as well is also all good.


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## nice777guy

What about exposing EAs?

I sometimes picture myself telling neighbors or people at church that my wife and I are separated because she was lying about texting and going out with a couple of men behind my back. Is this the same thing, or are EAs different because there is "grey area?" 

Some people would say that if there was no sex, then she didn't cheat. Most who have been through it understand the lying hurts as much as anything - and the EAs can lead to PAs.

And its not even like I feel I would be blowing the lid off of some deep dark secret - but just being a more open and honest person. 

That's a major whole in my life I've found since this has started - I don't have a lot of close friends because I don't open up - I keep things locked up inside - I'm afraid to ask for help. Thats why I come to an anonymous board for most of my venting.

So - any opinions on how this list applies to EAs??


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## notreadytoquit

That's a very good question. I was actually doing some searching on that yesterday. I would say any type of affair should be exposed because one can turn into another one very easily. To me right now, if he says he has an affair would not disturb me too much because I already have my suspicions. But the fact that he lies about it defintely hurts more.


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## turnera

I always put it this way:
If you are doing something that you keep from your spouse - aside from planning a surprise party for him/her - then it is cheating.

If you are saying something to another man or woman that you CAN'T say in front of your spouse, you are cheating.


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## turnera

nice777guy said:


> What about exposing EAs?
> 
> I sometimes picture myself telling neighbors or people at church that my wife and I are separated because she was lying about texting and going out with a couple of men behind my back. Is this the same thing, or are EAs different because there is "grey area?"
> 
> Some people would say that if there was no sex, then she didn't cheat. Most who have been through it understand the lying hurts as much as anything - and the EAs can lead to PAs.
> 
> And its not even like I feel I would be blowing the lid off of some deep dark secret - but just being a more open and honest person.
> 
> That's a major whole in my life I've found since this has started - I don't have a lot of close friends because I don't open up - I keep things locked up inside - I'm afraid to ask for help. Thats why I come to an anonymous board for most of my venting.
> 
> So - any opinions on how this list applies to EAs??


 All you have to do, if your spouse doesn't like it, is say "Hey, I'm just talking about facts. I'm not saying anything that's not the truth. If you didn't want your fellow churchmembers to know you had lunch with Joe, at his apartment, then don't have lunch with Joe at his apartment."


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## notreadytoquit

The article in the original post even tells you how to compose the letter to the friends and family that will let them know about the affair. What do you think about it? Is the cheated spouse too nice in it?


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## turnera

It's recommended that you stick to basics, so they can't railroad you. Just facts. 
"Dear ABC, I'm writing to let you know that CCC is having an emotional (or physical) affair with XYZ. I love my wife and am trying to save my marriage, and I hope you will help me. Please let CCC know that you support us resolving any issues in our marriage without the intervention of another man. 

I know she values your opinion, and I hope you will urge her to do the right thing and - at the very least - remove this other man from the picture so she can look at our marriage honestly without having the allure of a potential love interest waiting in the wings. 

I love CCC and I want her to make decisions she won't regret once the fantasy of this affair fades and she's left with the reality of what an affair does to the people involved - especially her children. I hope you will help her (and us) by urging her to do the right thing."

Something like that. Above all, take the high road, never disparage anyone - even the OM - always be the level-headed one. That way, no one can look back and say you 'deserved' it or were crazy or caused it.

Realize that, once you expose, your wife will be furious! That is good. It means you've blown a hole in her fantasy. She now realizes, once her family and friends start calling, that she won't get to just replace you with this guy and have everyone ok with it. Just smile, offer her hugs for her upsetness, offer her a cookie. Why? Because NOTHING she says at that point means anything - it's just a drug addict scrambling to reproduce her fix. Stay calm, wait it out, ignore all the 'I'll divorce you' or 'I'll sue you' or 'my whole family hates you now' talk - it's just that: talk.

Expose, then sit back and wait for the fur to settle. See if it breaks up the affair. It may not. But it will surely ruin the fantasy, and that's the downfall. You may have to be patient. You may have to go back and reexpose down the road if they get sneakier. 

But bottom line, YOU have to maintain self-respect and dignity. THAT is what makes you attractive, and after awhile, she's more likely to see that THAT is what makes a good mate, not some guy who's willing to steal another guy's wife.


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## notreadytoquit

Turnera, that's exactly how I understood the original post. Thanks

If anyone on this forum has gone through an affair(regardless of which kind) and have exposed it please leave a post here. I am curious to see how it turned out for you. I know every story is different.


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## nice777guy

My wife had sent me something about the 20 mistakes a hurt spouse can make after an affair. This was at a point when she seemed to sincerely regret her actions.

Two points they make go against exposing the affair:
1. More people may know already than you might realize. Some of them perhaps have even offered your unfaithful spouse support or encouragement in the affair or behavior. (My wife has been hanging out with a different group of people - one of which I believe has been willing to cover for her on a couple of occaisions).

2. Telling friends - you might be hoping they will help your unfaithful mate to "wake up and see reality." Some of his/her friends may come on board. This does not mean that your spouse will listen. Others of their friends may believe the unfaithful mate is correct in leaving someone so controlling if you try this approach. (I know my wife's mom has questioned her actions, but my wife has just put more distance between them. Also - my wife's main claim to others is that I've been controlling - so I see where contacting her friends would give her a chance to say "See how he's acting?" - and serve as an example for her to use.)

I'm not sure one way or the other on this one.


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## Momof3kids

Granted my situation is a little different than most, but I would never want an affair by my spouse to be exposed like this. It would hurt my H, would certainly hurt him professionally, could create some really difficult family situations, and more than anything would hurt my children. I don't see this as a positive step at all. While I can see the value in confrontation between the two of you, I see this as something private for the two spouses to work on. Private matters should never become public knowledge, imho.


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## turnera

Momof3kids said:


> Granted my situation is a little different than most, but I would never want an affair by my spouse to be exposed like this. It would hurt my H, would certainly hurt him professionally, could create some really difficult family situations, and more than anything would hurt my children. I don't see this as a positive step at all. While I can see the value in confrontation between the two of you, I see this as something private for the two spouses to work on. Private matters should never become public knowledge, imho.


 And the odds if you don't expose are that (1) he will LEAVE you for that other woman or (2) he will CONTINUE to have more and more affairs, because you condone it by accepting it.

Either way, YOUR life is ruined. But hey! at least your husband (or exhusband) looks good to everyone.


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## turnera

nice777guy said:


> My wife had sent me something about the 20 mistakes a hurt spouse can make after an affair. This was at a point when she seemed to sincerely regret her actions.
> 
> Two points they make go against exposing the affair:
> 1. More people may know already than you might realize. Some of them perhaps have even offered your unfaithful spouse support or encouragement in the affair or behavior. (My wife has been hanging out with a different group of people - one of which I believe has been willing to cover for her on a couple of occaisions).
> 
> 2. Telling friends - you might be hoping they will help your unfaithful mate to "wake up and see reality." Some of his/her friends may come on board. This does not mean that your spouse will listen. Others of their friends may believe the unfaithful mate is correct in leaving someone so controlling if you try this approach. (I know my wife's mom has questioned her actions, but my wife has just put more distance between them. Also - my wife's main claim to others is that I've been controlling - so I see where contacting her friends would give her a chance to say "See how he's acting?" - and serve as an example for her to use.)
> 
> I'm not sure one way or the other on this one.


 All it takes is ONE person to call her and say 'what the h&ll are you doing' and, if it's the right person that pulls the right triggers in your wife, she suddenly sees the devastation she's causing. YOU don't know which person that will be. But if you never tell them, they will not have the opportunity to say something.

As far as people already knowing, most people who know and don't say anything, do so because they don't know if YOU know, and don't want to rock the boat. Once they know they have YOUR permission to defend your marriage for you, they may do so. Again, if they don't know how YOU feel, they will remain mum.

As for those who help her...so what? What do you care what they think? They are already harming your marriage by helping her. You have no interest in pleasing them.

And, btw, if you do recover your marriage, you'd better make removing them from your friends list a top priority.


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## notreadytoquit

Momof3kids said:


> Granted my situation is a little different than most, but I would never want an affair by my spouse to be exposed like this. It would hurt my H, would certainly hurt him professionally, could create some really difficult family situations, and more than anything would hurt my children. I don't see this as a positive step at all. While I can see the value in confrontation between the two of you, I see this as something private for the two spouses to work on. Private matters should never become public knowledge, imho.


What about you being hurt in all this? You don't have to send email to all of his contacts on Linkedin and all the headhunters but I am sure there are people at his work to whom is also friends and those should certainly know especially if they know your family. As for the kids, it may look like they would be hurt, I don't know what age they are now but later on in life they would be able to understand. You are right private matters are private but if he is confiding to someone about his relationship or if he is being seen with the OW in public by any of your friends then it is no longer private.

Take a look at Tiger Woods(ok he is celebrity but still). If his secret life was not exposed he would have been still hanging out with those women.


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## turnera

And, by your children growing up and watching a parent cheat, and NOT being told it's wrong (in action and in word), THEY grow up thinking they, too, should either cheat on their spouse, or be a doormat. Not a great model for your kids.


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## nice777guy

I see both sides, but I'm also thinking that I want my wife to be faithful out of love, and not shame or guilt.


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## turnera

What does that mean? That, by her mother knowing she's cheating, she'll stay with you so her mother doesn't disapprove? 

That's not what exposure is for. It's for showing the two people who are sneaking around that the new 'reality' they've created in their heads (the kids will understand, they'll like you as their new daddy, you'll love taking care of my 4 kids, etc.) really won't turn out that great. Once she goes to visit her sister, and everyone stops talking when she walks in the room, and her sister pulls her outside and asks what she's doing, she 'gets it.' She gets that no matter what happens in her marriage to you, the family _knows._ They know that POSOM broke up your marriage; he won't ever be welcomed. 

This is psychology we're talking about. We do what makes us feel good and we avoid what doesn't. If being with POSOM makes us feel worse than before, we'll stop sneaking around to see POSOM. 

Once the fog of the affair, the addiction, wears off and the air clears, she looks around and sees that you fought for her; for your marriage together. You didn't yell. You didn't threaten. You didn't kick her out. You didn't post an ad in the paper shaming her. You called her important people (and his) and said 'I love my wife and I want her back.'

She'll see that. Plus, to make your marriage work, and have her not dive right back into temptation alley, she needs to face _some_ sort of humility to see the damage she's done; otherwise, she'll just find another guy. I can think of no greater humility than to face your parents, admit you made a mistake, ask for and receive their forgiveness, and then move on with the marriage, grateful for the second chance and determined to make it even better than before.


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## Momof3kids

But you assume that forgiveness will be offered and received. That is not the case in many families... Sides are chosen, grudges are held, and relationships are irreparably damaged. Guilt is sometimes therapeutic, but sometimes it is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Shame has the same issue. Those emotions can help you fix your issues, or they can push you to become a completely different person that has no joy in life. It's dependent upon what type of personality you have...

Two things... First, kids come first - always. What I want and how I feel don't matter until they are out on their own. Telling kids about the affair risks ruining their relationship with your spouse, potentially for the rest of their lives. Would they understand later on? Maybe, maybe not. But the potential for hurt is so enormous that I don't see the benefit except as a selfish one. I think as they grow up, you talk about fidelity and trust and honor in marriage. You show them good examples (if you can find one ) and talk about what works and what doesn't. As they get older, circumstances may change enough that more information might be appropriate, but I think you'd have to have an extraordinarily mature child for that to happen. Second, why does your spouse define you and your life? Why is your life "ruined" because of an affair? Different? Yes. Uncomfortable? Yes. Changing? Yes.


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## turnera

Isn't the best example for you to not accept a cheating spouse? They will mimic what they see. All you have to tell a five year old is 'mommies and daddies shouldn't have a boyfriend or girlfriend; just friends.' They understand that.


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## Affaircare

nice777guy said:


> I see both sides, but I'm also thinking that I want my wife to be faithful out of love, and not shame or guilt.


Niceguy, your name betrays you!  Yes if you were dealing with a normal, mature, loving woman you want her to be faithful out of love. This is so true. 

But the idea of exposing the affair is not to tattletale nor is it to "embarrass you spouse" or guilt/shame them into being faithful. Part of the glue that holds an affair together is that it is exciting due to the secretiveness of it. The "forbidden fruit" thing...know what I mean? So the idea of exposing, at least as I promote it, is to selectively tell some people whom you believe will be pro-marriage and help your marriage by telling your spouse to stop this foolishness and return to their marriage--people whom the disloyal spouse looks up to as an authority. Usually that would be people like their boss at work, the pastor, or their parents...and sometimes it's a sibling or friend. 

Again I say that the point of exposure is NOT guilt and shame! It is to bring "the dirty little secret" to the light of day so that a lot of the fantasy of it is tarnished. It is to get some people in the disloyal spouse's life saying "stop the affair--it's not right" because chances are about 100% that they are hanging out with people who are saying "the affair is okay." Finally, it is to inform people there may be an issue that will affect them and impact their life and/or to gather a bit of a support network for you as struggling with an affair can be very emotionally taxing. 

One thing that people OFTEN raise as an objection to telling the boss/employer is that their spouse might lose their job, etc. Yes, the economy is not great right now and each job is precious, but marriage is for a lifetime, and in any lifetime jobs are going to come and go. Looking at the big picture, losing a job to save a marriage is a reasonable price to pay. Furthermore, if the lovers met at work, chances are 100% that they are using company resources for their secret meetings (like the office PC, company time, company cars, or even company cell phones) and the boss could be SUED for sexual harassment. Yep the loyal spouse could sue a company for unwanted sexual advances if the disloyal spouse works under the other person! An employer NEEDS to know that their company is at legal risk due to the behavior of two of their employees--not to mention loss of productivity and using company resources.

So I hope this helps explain why exposure really is necessary to ending an affair. When you find out your spouse is having an affair, you go to them directly and ask them to stop. If they're willing to do so, then obviously you don't need to expose. If they are not willing, you go to the other person and the OP's spouse and tell them you know and ask them to stop. THEN if the disloyal spouse and other person persist and harden their hearts...exposure is necessary. Otherwise their relationship keeps the intrigue of secrecy and fantasy, and they can continue living the lie. Not exposing to the select helpful few is basically enabling the affair and saying that it is okay with you, that you won't fight for what is right, and that potential embarrassment means more to you than your marriage. 

Are you willing to go to the mat for your spouse? Then gather courage and bring the affair to the light of day! Yes, they will be mad--but you have a chance that you may save your family!


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## nice777guy

First of all - yes - I absolutely missed the point of revealing the affair.

Not revealing your spouse to the world does not equal acceptance.

If things don't work out for me, I'll feel no need to tell the world what happened. If she doesn't change her behavior, the world will figure it out with no help from me.

As I've also said, my wife seems to be pushing away the few people I would trust to be of help. Her new friends, I don't know that well and don't trust either.

Also - my fighting thus far has been ineffective. I've smothered, begged, yelled, etc., So now, I'm just going to lay back for a bit and see what happens.


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## turnera

And as I've said, it doesn't matter if she is pushing them away. She still HEARS what they say. She may pretend she doesn't, but she does. 

It is BECAUSE she cares for their approval that she is pushing them away - she doesn't want them to find out and disapprove of her, so she distances herself from them. Which means, they are exactly the right people to tell, and to ask for help from.


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## nice777guy

turnera said:


> And as I've said, it doesn't matter if she is pushing them away. She still HEARS what they say. She may pretend she doesn't, but she does.
> 
> It is BECAUSE she cares for their approval that she is pushing them away - she doesn't want them to find out and disapprove of her, so she distances herself from them. Which means, they are exactly the right people to tell, and to ask for help from.


Totally agree on the reason she is pushing them away and finding new friends. But literally - physically - not sure she is talking to them. She is avoiding them. During our first trial sep - which was only a week - she had ME call HER MOM to explain what we were doing. I used the opportunity to talk to her mom and clear up some things my wife claimed her parents were saying (and they weren't) and to get some things out in the open.

Plus - and maybe I'm wrong - I think her parents probably appreciate me not dragging her name through the mud. I think they would lend me more support if I asked, but if I always have that "blood is thicker than water" fear in the back of my head.

One thing I know is that I haven't found an answer that works yet, so please keep the suggestions coming!!!


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## turnera

You're not dragging her name through the mud. She did that all by herself!

All you are doing is talking about the TRUTH. And you aren't telling the whole world (though you could) - you are telling her parents. And asking them to call her. That is all.


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## Affaircare

LOL I love you turnera. You are so passionate! 

Niceguy, I have something that may help you understand this a little more clearly. Let's suppose your wife did something great like give $10,000 to Haiti orphans. If you spoke to her parents and boss and said, "My wife gave $10k to Haiti orphans!" would that be dragging her name through the mud? Nope. Just speaking the truth. 

What if she pledged to send $10,000 to Haiti orphans and then didn't follow through on the pledge? Would you be dragging her name through the mud if you told your accountant that she didn't actually GIVE the $10k? Nope, just speaking the truth. 

Now, what if she embezzled $10k from the Haiti orphan fund, was caught doing it, there was evidence, but she refused to admit it...and she was going to prison for ten years? Would it be dragging her name through the mud to call her parents and tell them she might be in court and they might not see her for ten years? Nope! Just stating the truth! Furthermore their life is going to be affected by her choice to embezzle! 

See, Niceguy, it is her choice to embezzle that would be dragging her name through the mud--not you're calling a lawyer to protect you and the kids, or calling her pastor to visit her in jail, or calling her parents to help with the stress of court. 

Can you see it better now? Can you see that an affair is the same way? It is her choice to be inappropriate with someone other than her spouse that would be dragging her name through the mud--not you calling a lawyer to protect you and the kids, or calling the pastor to visit her while she hards her heart and is separated from you, or calling her parents to help with the stress of divorce court that you don't want! 

Doesn't that make it more clear?


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## Calypso

notreadytoquit said:


> What happened between you and your husband? Did you reconcile?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes we have almost 20 years together I wasn't about to let it all go. Now there are somethings I still have a hard time dealing with. He knows this and has bent over backwards trying to help me deal with this issue. 

It's been a year and a half and I can say it's 100% better then a year ago. We still have a long road to travel but we are working on making it better then before. 

He has told me several times that me telling her H was one of the things that made him wake up, and really see what was happening. That he was living in a fairy tale and it wouldn't have worked out in the end anyways. Plus they couldn't just run off into the sunset and everything thing and everyone just disappear except them. I think if one spouse is in the dark about what is going on. Then it needs to change so that all parties know and it's all out in the open. 
So our marriage is a work in progress and I love a lot of the changes we have made.

We have two kids that I tried to keep out of this whole mess. My oldest found out by accident had over heard me talking on the phone. So that was also a wake up call to my H as he didn't want his kids to hate him. Plus I told my H if he thought our kids would welcome the OW with open arms he would be in for a rude awaking. I never said anything to them but if he chose to leave me it wasn't their fault. That their dad would still love them and they should do the same. I can say my oldest wasn't dealing very will with his dad hurthing his mom. So my H had to sit down and talk to them and let them know how sorry he was and that he made some very stupid choices. 

I just hope that they can one day forgive him too. I ask my H was the OW worth it? Was the A worth all the hurt and pain it caused our kids. His answer NO he wishes he could roll back time and take it all back.


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## turnera

> He has told me several times that me telling her H was one of the things that made him wake up, and really see what was happening.


 My point exactly. It bursts the bubble.


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## Calypso

turnera said:


> My point exactly. It bursts the bubble.


Yes and if I had went on and kept my mouth shut I think he would have either kept on with the A or left me. But telling the other party there were no more secrets. They couldn't hide anymore or sneak around. So for me it was better to tell and I also told some close friends and family. 

But, I also told them I didn't want them to pass judgement on him. I just needed a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen. They have honored that request but I do have one friend that gives him crap. He is ok with that he knows she is looking out for me. Plus they can joke a little about it now. Not that I find it funny yet.


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## notreadytoquit

What if your spouse told you that the affair has ended(1 month, 5 months etc), would you still go and expose it? Is there any benefit in exposing it once the affair is over?


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## turnera

No. If the affair is over - and you DO have to verify it by having all their passwords, them writing and YOU sending a No Contact letter to the OM, GPS in their car, checking phone/text records, and even a polygraph if it has been a hardship for you - there is no need for exposure. It is solely for stopping the affair.


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## Affaircare

:iagree: What he said. 

The purpose of exposure is 1) to end the affair, and 2) to get some support/encouragement from someone wise as you deal with a spouse actively in an affair. 

If your spouse was wise enough to end it, and you have reasonable proof to believe there is no further contact (not just "believing them" but you can back that up with facts), then there is no need for exposure.


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## DawnD

I agree with turnera and affaircare on that one. My husband had ended his a 18 months before I found out. There wasn't a need to expose him, but a few close friends that I knew would support me in whatever I chose were aware of the situation, and they are the only two women on this earth that I would trust with my secrets. It wasn't about hiding it from people or not embarrassing the husband, it was about only allowing people in that would be there for me regardless.


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## Monday25

OW's H called me and exposed the relationship. Once I was able to get a grip....I confronted HIM, I confronted HER, and called in my H's best friend since childhood...who i later found out already knew about the EA, but was in shock to hear that if things did not stop IMMEDIATELY that I would be throwing my H out into the street and not looking back (this was surprising enough that he called my H and informed him he believed me to be more than serious about divorcing him and what a dumbass he would be to let that happen.)

So, while I didn't expose the situation to EVERYONE...I exposed it to the RIGHT ones...

this all took place in Oct.... so far so good.... no more contact with the OW and he is taking major steps to prove he is where he wants to be. Still struggling to get him to take complete ownership of the affair, but I suppose that will come in time. And, I have to close the door on the EA in MY mind...something rather difficult for me. 

Reconnecting our relationship and getting our life back on track has started and I feel we are moving forward....maybe not outta the jungle yet...but def moving towards the light!


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## Affaircare

YES! Yes Monday25 that is exactly, precisely, perfectly the way to do a good exposure! GOOD JOB! Exposure is not "gossip everywhere and make your spouse so embarrassed they never want to leave the house again and destroy all their friendships". Nope. You did it EXACTLY right--tell a select few...the ones who will tell the disloyal spouse "Hey you're not thinking right! Return to your marriage or you'll be heading to a mess of trouble!" and the ones who will give the loyal spouse encouragement, support, and maybe prayers because dealing with an affair can be emotionally exhausting. 

GREAT example! Thank you so much for sharing so people can get an image in their head of what it should be like.


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## elph

bump, for any newbies


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## kryssysuicide

i wish i would have found this before hand...but on the bright side half the people that didnt know are no longer in the dark about it. and whether or not he shuts them out is a different story. Even thru all the anger and hateful things i can still hear doubt and confusion about what he is doing. I hate this i really wish he could come home and wrap me in his arms again and again...now i dont know what to do??!!!:scratchhead:


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## Hopeeternal

I started out making all the classic mistakes...begging, crying on her shoulder, being a doormat. And the EA was all electronic! (found out about it just before they were going to take it PA). Then I found this site! All of the folks here have changed the way I see things and have helped immensely. I have also been reading a lot about this stuff. The sad thing is that because we LOVE our wayward spouse we don't want to HURT them, even though they have just destroyed our life. I have been very reluctant to take the advice given here, and in articles...but once I get the courage up and do it IT WORKS! Her family now at least knows what is going on. Friends now know. I will likely need to get a PI to get me the OWs name and phone number because I cannot find it online myself. I am not being mean, but I am also not being a doormat. She is very angry with me right now but you know what? I own 50% of the problems in our marriage, she owns 100% of the affair. I want my marriage to work and will work with this until it either gets back on track or she decides that we cannot be married anymore.


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## lordmayhem

Hopeeternal said:


> I started out making all the classic mistakes...begging, crying on her shoulder, being a doormat. And the EA was all electronic! (found out about it just before they were going to take it PA).


Glad you caught it before it went PA. Just out of curiosity, how did you catch it in time? That way you can share your experience with all the new people constantly coming into the forum.


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## turnera

Your marriage can survive your spouse's anger.

It cannot survive a third person.


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## turnera

krssy, read the book Surviving An Affair; it will give you steps to take to try to save your marriage from his affair.


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## kryssysuicide

i handled this WHOLE thing so wrong. again i wish i would have just found this sooner...maybe things would be different right now. I feel cheated out of life because i lost my nerve and did what at the time i thought was right...now i dont know what to do


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## Arnold

I think exposure is about the most effective thing. And, cutting off funds. The go dark and watch.
I would give ita few weeks, then start divorce proceedings if it does not stop and there is inadequate remorse and restitution.


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## kryssysuicide

he is the one who wants the divorce, despite everything...and he calls with excuses why, we never did this or did this enough i blame where we were living you reported my card lost...and a new one is he would be home but i pushed him away by blowing up that girls phone, his friends/family are turning their backs on him...the list goes on and on....


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## turnera

It makes no difference what HE wants. 

HE CHEATED. 

YOU have the right and the obligation to blow his affair out of the water by telling his parents, siblings, and best friend what he has done. Tell them, and ask them to help you save your marriage - or at LEAST his reputation - by getting him to stop the affair. He needs to see that they won't just welcome her over for Thanksgiving (hopefully), that his affair is a fantasy and he will be an outcast (hopefully).

You are not exposing to be a biotch. You are exposing to (1) try to save your marriage and (2) help HIM from making a huge mistake. Did you get the book I recommended?

btw, IGNORE EVERYTHING HE SAYS about you and your marriage. He is in full fog babble mode trying to pin his cheating on YOU. 

Refuse to accept that mantle. Any time he brings up you or the marriage and what you did wrong, look him straight in the eyes and say "*I* was not the person who committed adultery." 

And walk away. Or hang up. (I'm serious - if he brings up anything you did wrong - HANG UP.) He'll figure it out eventually. You don't have to be his punching bag for his guilt. If anything, you should be chewing HIM out. But you have too much class for that. 

Refuse to continue ANY conversation in which he dares to blame you.


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## Geoffrey Marsh

turnera said:


> And the odds if you don't expose are that (1) he will LEAVE you for that other woman or (2) he will CONTINUE to have more and more affairs, because you condone it by accepting it.
> 
> Either way, YOUR life is ruined. But hey! at least your husband (or exhusband) looks good to everyone.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

The whole idea of exposure is to *STOP* the affair. When a spouse cheats they put at risk the entirety of the marriage. The money, kids, house, job, family respect, BS's health...ect. This is not a time for the BS to worry about how the waywards career or anything like that....it is a time for decisive action. 

Yes "internal" problems should be handled in private....but an affair is not an internal problem. An affair involves a third party...and if your marriage is to have any chance at survival...the third party needs to be routed out. The *MOST* effective way this is done is through exposure.

The more I read....the more I study the subject of affair survival...the more I find this to be true. It should be a BS's rule.

In fact, you could almost sum up the entirety of the affair survival subject in 5 rules:

1. Expose the affair and ask for support.
2. Demand 100% no-contact
3. Take care of yourself.
4. Watch & wait
5. If #2 is not achieved...file for D.


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## lordmayhem

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> The whole idea of exposure is to *STOP* the affair. When a spouse cheats they put at risk the entirety of the marriage. The money, kids, house, job, family respect, BS's health...ect. This is not a time for the BS to worry about how the waywards career or anything like that....it is a time for decisive action.
> 
> Yes "internal" problems should be handled in private....but an affair is not an internal problem. An affair involves a third party...and if your marriage is to have any chance at survival...the third party needs to be routed out. The *MOST* effective way this is done is through exposure.
> 
> The more I read....the more I study the subject of affair survival...the more I find this to be true. It should be a BS's rule.
> 
> In fact, you could almost sum up the entirety of the affair survival subject in 5 rules:
> 
> 1. Expose the affair and ask for support.
> 2. Demand 100% no-contact
> 3. Take care of yourself.
> 4. Watch & wait
> 5. If #2 is not achieved...file for D.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Words to live by when getting hit by an affair.


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## Hope1964

I think exposure can be effective if used as a last resort, but I do not agree it should be a first line of defense. It's definitely effective, but it can also mean there's no hope of reconciliation. So if you are willing to go it alone, expose.


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## turnera

ANYTHING you do can mean there's no hope of reconciliation.

I've seen tons of marriages saved through exposure over the years. And, of all of those, the ones who survived FASTER and BETTER were those BSs who (1) confronted immediately and demanded the cheating stopped; (2) if the cheater refuses to quit, telling the cheater's VIPs about the affair, and (3) kicking the cheater OUT if they then still refuse. Once the cheater gets kicked out and no longer has TWO PEOPLE stroking his/her ego, the affair quickly loses its appeal.

The one thing that dooms marriages more than anything when cheating is involved is the betrayed spouse begging the cheater to come/stay home and/or LETTING the cheater continue to cheat, whatever they want, as long as they don't leave the BS.


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## Geoffrey Marsh

turnera said:


> ANYTHING you do can mean there's no hope of reconciliation.
> 
> I've seen tons of marriages saved through exposure over the years. And, of all of those, the ones who survived FASTER and BETTER were those BSs who (1) confronted immediately and demanded the cheating stopped; (2) if the cheater refuses to quit, telling the cheater's VIPs about the affair, and (3) kicking the cheater OUT if they then still refuse. Once the cheater gets kicked out and no longer has TWO PEOPLE stroking his/her ego, the affair quickly loses its appeal.
> 
> The one thing that dooms marriages more than anything when cheating is involved is the betrayed spouse begging the cheater to come/stay home and/or LETTING the cheater continue to cheat, whatever they want, as long as they don't leave the BS.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## hurt10/1/11

I found out a month ago about my H's affair. I confronted him, he sent no contact to the other OW, she said she told her husband and we started from there. The OW tried to contact my husband three different times over the past month to which he didn't respond and this was verified. The other day I had a moment of anger and sadness about everything and contacted the OWs husband and told him that my husband and I were working things but I needed for his wife to stop contacting my husband. Apparently she didn't tell him everything, in fact her version was so mild. I sent her husband all the info I had. I felt bad for him, but finally feel justified in making her life miserable for awile. Why should she get off the hook for doing this!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing

Look at my threads..
8 months in a PA. I told her to leave. Started Divorce procedure. [ takes 13 months here] Totally gone and in love with OM. 
Used everything but exposure to OMW. [ in the end this was a non starter anyway]
She was so sure of her new love that she happily told the kids about her new love.

Now? She wants back. Agreed to ALL original conditions. 

Follow the advice here. Especially the "Just Let them Go"

Do it lovingly despite your anger.
Wish a happy life and take all the blame for everything.

When he says. " The relationship was on the rocks anyway" 
say " yes. i agree"

Wish happy life and love at every opportunity!

Be cool. Business like. Help him go if he wants.


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## desert-rose

What if exposing the affair causes big family problems and complicates things? How do you get back on track? I do think the steps suggested outline a good track of action toward fixing the problem, but it's seldom so clear cut, right? Maybe that's when one just has to Let Go. That's what I'm trying to do, while still hoping things can be fixed one day.

In my situation, a family intervention happened during which my WH's actions were presented to him (that's partly how I found out about everything & couldn't be in denial anymore). He'd been cheating on me, verbally and psychologically abusing me, and had violated my family's boundaries in some pretty egregious ways. His brother came over to sort of be on his side so WH wouldn't feel attacked (but, because he wasn't told before hand, he felt attacked anyway) and help us resolve things, but it ended going very badly. Ultimately, WH wouldn't own up to his actions and tempers flared and people started shouting at each other and when violence was imminent, WH's bro decided that things were irreparable and they had to go. WH and I had been staying with my parents at the time and my family wouldn't have him around anymore. I couldn't go with WH to continue dealing with the problem, because the abusive behavior was escalating and there were other factors like work. He's many miles away in his hometown; we were both supposed to go together and this intervention happened the day before. We ended up separated because of the family pressures and factors and these other elements because I couldn't go with him when he had to go. WH's bro told his family about the problem and he's getting a lot of crap for it from them (except his mom with whom he is now staying who blames me for telling everyone what he did). He blames me and says I kicked him out and shamed him, when I didn't really do that and it wasn't so simple. In some ways, going about the exposure in what feels like the wrong way made our problems worse -- no good plan, everyone lost their calm. I feel like the issue of his behavior was lost in everyone else's anger. But, he's so in the fog that not exposing would have just made it continue and worsen. My own issues (that he cheated on me and I wanted to make him see it and give him a chance to fess up and change) fell by the wayside and we still haven't even been able to get past the anger at the intervention exposure in order to even discuss the issue of the infidelity and abuse. 

I think this original post was very good and highlighted the steps clearly. If only it were always possible to follow those steps without more complications....


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## turnera

desert-rose said:


> What if exposing the affair causes big family problems and complicates things? How do you get back on track?


Then you act like adults and talk about the TRUTH in real time, with all present, and work through it. Like grownups.


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## the guy

desert-rose, thats the point, making the affair as complicated, uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible.
Getting back on track is something both spouses must really want, and when one has to work hard and make the effort well then its worth taking care of and make prevention that more possible.

Lets face it when things come easy we really don't take care of them. But when a wayward wants to come back even after the humiliation of exposure....well something has to be said about that.


When exposure pushes a wayward further away...well then where they worth having back after all the crap they put you through?


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## Geoffrey Marsh

the guy said:


> desert-rose, thats the point, making the affair as complicated, uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible.
> Getting back on track is something both spouses must really want, and when one has to work hard and make the effort well then its worth taking care of and make prevention that more possible.
> 
> *Lets face it when things come easy we really don't take care of them. But when a wayward wants to come back even after the humiliation of exposure....well something has to be said about that.*
> 
> 
> When exposure pushes a wayward further away...well then where they worth having back after all the crap they put you through?



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::smthumbup::smthumbup:



HUGE POINT! Well said Guy! I could not agree more. There is a lot that could be said about that...the _action_ of returning even after humiliation speaks volumes....this should not be overlooked by the BS.


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## morituri

I've often wondered if the BS(LS) is not best served if he/she FIRST seeks legal counsel to formulate a divorce plan of action and then does a double attack by exposing the affair and serving his/her WS(DS) with divorce papers. Reality would hit the WS like a bunker-busting bomb and possibly kill a non-exit affair faster than simple exposure. A scorched earth policy if you will. If the WS comes back to the BS after such a humiliating experience with his/her tail between his/her legs and begs his/her BS for another chance, then true reconciliation may be possible. Any comments?


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## desert-rose

turnera -- The intervention/exposure/talk was supposed to be a way for us to put all the cards on the table and deal with the problems. WH didn't want to cooperate, just deflecting blame with anger, lies, storming off, and violent behavior; now, instead of trying to make amends, at all, he's just left the place that makes him feel ashamed and is hoping I'll move there, sweep it under the rug, and take all the blame for him.  I agree that this only works if everyone is going to behave like an adult. I was just saying that sometimes, things get messy, even though the plan is logical and solid.

the guy -- You are very right. He has to want our relationship enough to admit his behavior. I guess that's what exposure really shows -- is the WS really willing to fight for the relationship, or are they just in it when it's easy? I suppose this shows whether or not people are committed.

Geoffrey Marsh -- so true. Choosing the marriage over vanity and a falsely upheld image of good behavior speaks volumes about integrity.


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## Eli-Zor

Your wife has to leave her job , an affair will never stop while they work together . It is a simple decision ; your marriage or her job you can't have both .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geoffrey Marsh

Eli-Zor said:


> Your wife has to leave her job , an affair will never stop while they work together . It is a simple decision ; your marriage or her job you can't have both .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## turnera

morituri said:


> I've often wondered if the BS(LS) is not best served if he/she FIRST seeks legal counsel to formulate a divorce plan of action and then does a double attack by exposing the affair and serving his/her WS(DS) with divorce papers. Reality would hit the WS like a bunker-busting bomb and possibly kill a non-exit affair faster than simple exposure. A scorched earth policy if you will. If the WS comes back to the BS after such a humiliating experience with his/her tail between his/her legs and begs his/her BS for another chance, then true reconciliation may be possible. Any comments?


Makes sense to me. I think that 100 years ago, people were forced to face things head on, life was hard. Last few decades, we've become more and more used to getting away with things, not facing things, letting technology cover for us...such reality is often sorely needed.


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## turnera

desert-rose said:


> turnera -- The intervention/exposure/talk was supposed to be a way for us to put all the cards on the table and deal with the problems. WH didn't want to cooperate, just deflecting blame with anger, lies, storming off, and violent behavior; now, instead of trying to make amends, at all, he's just left the place that makes him feel ashamed and is hoping I'll move there, sweep it under the rug, and take all the blame for him.  I agree that this only works if everyone is going to behave like an adult. I was just saying that sometimes, things get messy, even though the plan is logical and solid.


So I have to ask you...

Do you WANT a man back who cannot face what he did?


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## turnera

strugglinghusband said:


> how can i verify, wife has to work with e/a partner and they work together on a daily basis, jobs over lap...in m/c 6 sessions in and we both agree this lady m/c is not for us, im also in i/c


Well, this is where you would have to find your spine and tell her flat out that if she won't quit her job, you will divorce her. 

There IS no continuing to work with the person you cheated on your husband with.

There just isn't. 

And it's a mark of YOUR fears, YOUR inability to defend yourself that you are willing to KEEP her without demanding it.


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## turnera

strugglinghusband said:


> forgot to mention that i suggested i/c for my wife as well, i said that if we forget m/c for awhile and work on our crap that it indeed will help our marrigae, she relplied I know youve mentioned it already a few times.


These are the actions of a DOORMAT. With NO spine. 

Tell me why she would choose to stay with you, who'll accept her no matter how many men she sleeps with, over some man who takes what he wants?

Women have to respect their man. Period. You are showing NOTHING worth respecting. Find your spine and tell her quit your job or I'm divorcing.


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## turnera

It doesn't matter. There is no reason why you should accept her working with her lover. And remember that women are different than men. Women often stay and it doesn't change how the men think of them. When the MEN stay, it affects a woman's attraction for him. This is primeval stuff - women HAVE to respect their man. They HAVE to know he's strong, he'll protect her. You not taking a stand - and not demanding stronger action on her part to get to KEEP you - just proves to her that you're weak and not to be desired. 

If you stand up for yourself and she walks...do you really want that wife anyway?


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## Almostrecovered

3 months?!

more like 2-5 years to heal IF done properly


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## turnera

It's commonly understood that, every single TIME a cheater sees their lover - even if they have 'officially' broken off the affair - every single time, they recreate those brain PEA chemicals, just by seeing them. Memories, feelings...there's no such thing as 'just working' with them.


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## Almostrecovered

strugglinghusband said:


> 2-5 years, really? in the the almost 3 months sicne d-day, it seems to me she has shown little remorse, I've read the 5 love languages book and just friends and lots more, I leave them for her to read also, but nope, she just lets them lay...
> I fiugured out my love language is physical affection and i told her about it, its what makes me feel loved,important, she cant initate any physcial contact, I have to, love making and sex is still pretty much non exsistant, (went south when she started to pull away emotionaly) and when we do she pretty much isnt even there, sorta just me getting off, and it makes me feel like a rapist, she said shes just not interseted in it...


no 2-5 years for YOU to heal from infidelity if doing a proper reconciliation (ie. she is transparent, goes NC, shows remorse, etc) If you want the quicker route then divorce.


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## ing

The steps are great in theory and if done correctly almost certainly will end the affair. In my case it took 8.5 months and me moving on with my life before it stopped. But stopped it did.

Early on I went on anti-depressants and making great strides as looking like I was moving on. My resistance to taking drugs of any sort made me stop taking them and dealing with it as best I could. This was a mistake.

It wasn't good enough. She could immediately see that I was still connected and still had not let go. It was only when I was clearly and truthfully moving on that she snapped out of the FOG. 

If I was advising someone I would suggest medical help. The drugs allow you a clarity that is hard to fake. They allow you to change your life quickly and they allow you to appear happy and confident. The importance of the latter point is important in that it clearly shows you are moving on.
Thing is. Your cheating. Your faking it with drugs, but it doesn't matter at this point. You have a better chance of busting the affair and simultaneously protecting yourself from hurt. 
I am so badly scarred from this that when she talks to me it brings on an anxiety attack which disables me. 
The constant fake R over the 8 months literally trashed my ability to see her as anything but someone inflicting torture. 
They are on drugs. We need them too! we have to deal with reality and them.


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## turnera

No. Just talk about the general feeling of wanting to run from your problems and how they don't really go away.


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## turnera

By talking about something SHE is doing wrong, she has no choice but to defend herself.

By talking about how a particular action can be harmful, it's a learning experience and one in which she doesn't have to ignore it just to defend herself. Kind of like letting her save face. As in...if your sister were in this situation, what would you tell her?


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## Shaggy

Don't you see. Her issues with you in the past are blame shifting now. I'm not saying she is over it, but you have changes and put that out of you now. There is nothing more you can do to change the past.

The problem now is tomorrow. Her continued contact with the OM is stopping the marriage from healing, and stopping her from healing. 

Everytime she sees him, her brain in getting that affair jolt. That is stopping the healing, just like if you were still doing da small amount of drugs each morning then you would never be able to say you where clean and heal like you have.

You are right to push for her leaving, your marriage hasn't any hope for to heal until she does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

if she refuses to quit you can go nuclear and inform her HR department

have you notified the OMW yet, if no then why not?


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## Almostrecovered

strugglinghusband said:


> if thier boss found out, one or both would more than likely be fired (she told me that) and the wife would be humilated in our small town, never would get a job as good as she has now.. as for his wife,still on the fence about that one, who knows how she would react, maybe she would take it to thier work? but deep down i know I should, I'm pretty sure he told her that i may be contacting her the jealous/crazy husband...


well OMW needs to know first and foremost, a few reasons...


1) most importantly, she deserves to know. She is operating in her marriage without all of the information. It is likely she is seeing her marriage crumble and is blaming herself and desperately trying to do things to correct it and just spinning her wheels.

also, exposing the affair in most cases helps you get your wife back. why?

2) It is an additional consequence that she now can see to help her realize what an awful sh!tty thing she's done. When she sees the fall out of his exposure to his wife and what she has done to her.

3) exposing the affair takes the excitement out of it, it helps diminish that hold it has over them when it is exposed in the light of day

4) his wife may actually already know and may be able to provide you with more details that your wife hasn't told you yet, if she doesn't know then she's an extra pair of eyes

5) the OM is likely to try to throw your wife under the bus to protect himself, if she sees this she will come out of the fog as she won't like that


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## Shaggy

You still haven't exposed to the OMW, your wife still sees the OM everyday, are you actually sure the affair is over? That she isn't in a false R?

She asks you what you need to move forward, you say it, and she says no. So you can't move forward. The marriage cant continue like this, and her unwillingness to actually do something to make it work sounds like the R is false, sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

sh- you won't be the first poster here afraid to expose to the OMW or OWH and certainly won't be the last, but do know that I haven't seen too many cases, if at all, where the BS regrets telling them


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## turnera

So...
OMW still doesn't know
WW and OM still work together
WW blames YOU
WW is doing nothing to reassure you but talk

Tell me why she should do anything you ask for. You are not a threat. You haven't inconvenienced her in the least. You're a doormat.

TELL her what you need - her quitting or you two moving. If she refuses, then you have you answer. If she refuses, call OMW today.


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## Shaggy

I wish you luck. You might want to consider seeking out some better advisors in real life on this. Your IC seems to be a rug sweeping guy, and your wife is very very good at rationalizing you into in action. In the end you've been convinced to just stop doing any action and hope for the best. I can tell you, I have had a lot of life experience, and inaction at best gives you status quo and at worst utter failure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

Its actualy sad .

Translation , your going to be selfish and not tell the OM's wife that her husband is a liar and a cheat , this allows him to cheat again with no consequences , your enabling your wife's affair by allowing her to see her affair man at work , your mentally exhausted because you won't take the steps to break the affair and inside your wife is laughing at you because you won't man up. 

Your not a doormat your fearful of doing what needs to be done , your marriage will never recover until you decide to lead from the front , make unpleasant decisions and take tough action .

While your at it find a new IC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geoffrey Marsh

Shaggy said:


> I wish you luck. You might want to consider seeking out some better advisors in real life on this. Your IC seems to be a rug sweeping guy, and your wife is very very good at rationalizing you into in action. In the end you've been convinced to just stop doing any action and hope for the best. I can tell you, I have had a lot of life experience, and inaction at best gives you status quo and at worst utter failure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Well said Shaggy...I was thinking the same thing.


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## ing

I think this is false R and the affair has gone underground.

Your getting ILYBNILWY speech
No real remorse. Only guilt.
Rationalization to keep her job and stay close to OM.
Gaslighting you.

DIG..


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## X-unknown

Momof3kids said:


> But you assume that forgiveness will be offered and received. That is not the case in many families... Sides are chosen, grudges are held, and relationships are irreparably damaged. Guilt is sometimes therapeutic, but sometimes it is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Shame has the same issue. Those emotions can help you fix your issues, or they can push you to become a completely different person that has no joy in life. It's dependent upon what type of personality you have...
> 
> Two things... First, kids come first - always. What I want and how I feel don't matter until they are out on their own. Telling kids about the affair risks ruining their relationship with your spouse, potentially for the rest of their lives. Would they understand later on? Maybe, maybe not. But the potential for hurt is so enormous that I don't see the benefit except as a selfish one. I think as they grow up, you talk about fidelity and trust and honor in marriage. You show them good examples (if you can find one ) and talk about what works and what doesn't. As they get older, circumstances may change enough that more information might be appropriate, but I think you'd have to have an extraordinarily mature child for that to happen. Second, why does your spouse define you and your life? Why is your life "ruined" because of an affair? Different? Yes. Uncomfortable? Yes. Changing? Yes.


I'm so glad someone is saying this. The expose this to everyone you know seems to me like being the first to fire a nuke. Will the other side surrender? Or will the more obvious happen. A full wwIII marriage doomsday. Expose it in couples therapy if you have that available and work it out with a professional. I think the odds that her parents would side with the son in law for example is about zero. He MUST have been such a crappy husband that she had to do this *Or whatever weird logic will be used. And friends? In one divorce I know about the people calling it quits had one last party where everyone they knew was invited before they announced the divorce because after it was known everyone would takes sides. And affair or not. Wrong or not thats what happens.

And the gossip over who did what to who? Thats going to be the rest of both of your lives. And all the people who will want to tell you what they think of your marriage or cheating etc. Yuck...

Your kids will have to take a side as well. What a great way to screw them up because your hurt. Mom cheated so maybe thats ok? Dad is so sad and feel betrayed I'm never talking to mommy again. One of those two things is (I think) the probably outcome) Neither of which I think sounds too good.

I think exposing it to the partner of the affair partner? Thats a for hell yeah for sure. They have a right to know that they are being exposed to STDs and that they maybe blissfully unaware of what crap is being done to them. And if they want to work on it they can take steps to get into couples therapy or whatever. If they don't know? Your part of the problem and ought to feel some guilt.


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## X-unknown

Almostrecovered said:


> no 2-5 years for YOU to heal from infidelity if doing a proper reconciliation (ie. she is transparent, goes NC, shows remorse, etc) If you want the quicker route then divorce.


A quicker route with Divorce? To where? Having been divorced once I can say it was the worst thing to happen to me other then the current EA biz. And getting over the Divorce to more then 2-5 years. Is this all about revenge or what?

All these comments about growing balls and so forth seem to me to be not exactly helpful or motivating. It all sounds more like blaming the victim.


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## lordmayhem

ing said:


> I think this is false R and the affair has gone underground.
> 
> Your getting ILYBNILWY speech
> No real remorse. Only guilt.
> Rationalization to keep her job and stay close to OM.
> Gaslighting you.
> 
> DIG..


:iagree:

Looks like this is going to be yet another False R and the OP is making the most common mistakes a newly betrayed makes:










Learn from these members:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31959-false-recovery.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/33464-wife-ongoing-affair-learn-my-fail.html

Keep us posted. As long as she continues to work with OM, the affair is still on. And yes, the OMW, who deserves to know what a sh!tbag she is married to, has no information to decide the course of her marriage and family. I'm quite sure you would have liked to have someone give you a heads up on the affair. OMW could have also been another pair of eyes on the affair and bring pressure to end the affair on OM's end. Most OMs quickly throw the WW under the bus in an effort to save their own marriage. Why? Because your WW is just an easy piece of @ss to him and normally wouldn't leave his own BW to be with your WW. But you won't do that out of fear.


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## kevint

Anything that you do that you can't tell your spouse is considered cheating.


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## Almostrecovered

X-unknown said:


> A quicker route with Divorce? To where? Having been divorced once I can say it was the worst thing to happen to me other then the current EA biz. And getting over the Divorce to more then 2-5 years. Is this all about revenge or what?
> 
> All these comments about growing balls and so forth seem to me to be not exactly helpful or motivating. It all sounds more like blaming the victim.


I have no motivations for revenge as I have had a successful R and I'm sorry your divorce took a long time to heal from, but the truth is that the pain from infidelity heals quicker if you make a clean break for most people. That isn't to say that R isn't worth it if both partners are willing to do it and not look to rug sweep.


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## Almostrecovered

struggling- while I clearly understand informing the OMW can be motivated by revenge, the truth is that there are many other valid reasons to expose and let them know. The main one is that you are doing the OMW a huge favor, right now she is operating in a marriage without all of the facts, she can't make informed decisions without them.


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## ArmyofJuan

Almostrecovered said:


> sh- you won't be the first poster here afraid to expose to the OMW or OWH and certainly won't be the last, but do know that I haven't seen too many cases, if at all, where the BS regrets telling them


Tru.dat

The only regrets I've noticed is that they didn't do it sooner (or at all, like me).

Telling the OBS (other BS) should be one of the FIRST things that people should do right after DDay. It has NOTHING to do with revenge, it has to do with letting a fellow human know there spouse is betraying them (wouldn't you want to know?) and it helps keep the OM/OW preoccupied with fixing their own M and bothering your WS. It helps to have two eyes to make sure they are NC.



> I've told him it dosent sound like the e/a is still ongoing, and even if I did tell her and he and his wife broke up maybe it would push my wife and him together quicker if it was still on.


 This rarely if ever happens (usually if makes the OM/OW work on their M instead of breaking up) and if it did it would just show you what your wife is really made of. 

You have to right attitude now but you are heading for a divorce. Things will not get better on their own, it will only build more resentment. Maybe that's what you need, as time goes by you will detach to the point where a divorce is the easy route and of course THAT'S when she will come out of her fog and start to work on the M, the minute you no longer care about her.

That's one reason I push for filing for a D so soon before that's what you actually want. You show them you will walk away which helps get them out of their fog faster and give you a chance to R. If you wait until you want to D yourself then it will be to late to R since you will no longer be interested and the WS will do all the things you wished they would had done before. They ALWAYS wait until they think they will lose you for good before they do anything. Changing is hard and most people won't change until not changing becomes more painful than changing.


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## working_together

strugglinghusband said:


> how can i verify, wife has to work with e/a partner and they work together on a daily basis, jobs over lap...in m/c 6 sessions in and we both agree this lady m/c is not for us, im also in i/c
> i suggested that we find a diff m/c, wife replied with that we would have to start all over, i said so what we start over, on the 1st session the m/c asked why we were they and the wife told her that were there because that I'm jealous of close friendship she has with a male coworker (hes married 1 kid)and i said No! its an e/a,I know what one is i had 1 ten yrs ago...and that was the only time it was brought up in m/c..
> .she had been secretly emailing him (ihacked her email) i had intercepted 1 with her saying "Miss you and cant wait to see you! and then confronted her (this was sept 21st) she said it was an e/a (her words not mine)
> she had emtionaly and physcial started withdrawing from me about 10 months ago...on tje way home from m/c the other night,i said that i had read that most women who emtionaly detache typicaly dont come back and she said that the has emtionaly detached from herself aswell and dosent know who really is.
> WTH does that mean???
> 
> I contacted him via email and then via phone because
> i had idea that it was also physical (turns out i was wrong) he admitted nothing (whcich i knew he wouldnt) but told him that going to his wife and thier boss with what I have would be the least of his worries and him and i are going to have a long coversation someday and he wont like what I say and how i say it. my i/c said that he probaly went like a turtle sticking his head back in, thinking holy ****! this guy may tell my wife and my boss(one or both would more than liky get canned and my wife even said that) and kick my ass
> ...
> 
> HOW CAN I VERFIFY? she goes into wotk later,used to go in really early, she agreed to have work only contact, never be alone with him at work, her leaving her job iis really not an option...I'm still very supcious, I want to belive her but at this point no way...she knows i hijacked from home computer, so she would never use it again for anything like that..I hate feeling like this


Prior to my affair I was already "emotionally detaching" from my husband, that's why it was so easy to engage in it. I had a lot of resentment towards him for many things that had ocured in our marriage. However, it was not the reason I chose to have the affair, just made it easy to justify it.

During the affair, I was not myself at all, hubby even still reminds me that I'm not the same person, until very recently. I had never done such a degrading thing in my life prior to the affair, I thought I was a good person, dedicating my life to helping others. I still don't know why I really did what I did, but I'll say one thing, since exposing the affair to OM's wife, hubby has noticed a dramatic change in my behavior, and even my tone of voice. He told me he feels like he finally has his old wife back. I think that the fact that I was finally on board with exposing, it actually felt empowering to both of us, and that I may have still be protecting OM in some sort of way. So it was a way for both of us to let go, and begin to repair our marriage.

I hope this makes sense.


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## X-unknown

working_together said:


> Prior to my affair I was already "emotionally detaching" from my husband, that's why it was so easy to engage in it. I had a lot of resentment towards him for many things that had ocured in our marriage. However, it was not the reason I chose to have the affair, just made it easy to justify it.
> 
> During the affair, I was not myself at all, hubby even still reminds me that I'm not the same person, until very recently. I had never done such a degrading thing in my life prior to the affair, I thought I was a good person, dedicating my life to helping others. I still don't know why I really did what I did, but I'll say one thing, since exposing the affair to OM's wife, hubby has noticed a dramatic change in my behavior, and even my tone of voice. He told me he feels like he finally has his old wife back. I think that the fact that I was finally on board with exposing, it actually felt empowering to both of us, and that I may have still be protecting OM in some sort of way. So it was a way for both of us to let go, and begin to repair our marriage.
> 
> I hope this makes sense.


I lost track of this thread but I do agree on informing the other man (or womans) spouse. If nothing else you have to consider STDs and how that could physically harm the unknowing victim. I guess the inform the neighborhood, family and friends thing is what I was worried about. If your headed to a divorce the kids will at some point need some kind of explanation. Mommy doesn't love Daddy anymore or ? If you find some way to work it out? I think its better left private between as few people as possible. Doctors and therapists who are honor bound to not spread it around so it becomes the big gossip.

I think it will aid a lot in breaking off contact as well. Wondering how many of you who did this communicate with the betrayed spouse after this and if thats a good or bad idea?

The issue I worry about with a public disclosure is all the people taking sides and or adding their "expert" opinions and adding to the stress. And on that topic I think the folks posting the man up and grow a pair types may have good intentions but I appreciate much more the suggestions made about seeing a trained expert.


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## godlyman83

Hello to all. This has been a mind opening forum for me. My question is this... What if the spouse who is cheating, emotionally or physically, is NOT interested in reconciling? My wife hates me, has been clinically depressed even before the separation, does NOT want me anymore, and just moved out a few days ago to apartment with female coworker, even leaving our 3yr old son with me. She decided she wanted out of marriage in Feb, after just 3mths, although together for five years, citing lack of love and affection. A few days before the breakup she was in I love you, have a good day at work mode with me! Then on Valentines Day she dropped the bomb. Found out last month after only being separated for 2mths that another guy is in the picture. Have text evidence of only emotional affair at least. I love you and miss texts. She met him out partying last year. He actually lives an hour away. Got his number and called him, he denied of course, she denied too. Am sure it has been more but do the exposure rules apply to me??? Even with her not showing the slightest bit of interest in reconciling?

Thanks


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## Shaggy

@godlyman83,

Yes the exposure rules fully apply in your situation. The fact she dumped you on V day says she was very involved with him before the dumping.


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## godlyman83

Sorry for the double post please leave replies here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/47072-how-do-i-stop-my-wifes-affair.html

Thanks shaggy


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## member2012

Hi all,
I was reading the posts regarding telling the affair partners spouse in order to end the affair, and I did just that after thinking it was over once in February, and then again thinking it was over in beginning of June, and the the last time I found out it was still going on was end of June. (The affair began in January, albeit this was a non sexual affair, ) The last time I found out there was still contact I called the other woman's husband and told him. 
This blew everything out of the water and since then, he and I have been able to let each other know how things are going. For the first time I see a difference in my husbands attitude towards me, even though it has only been just over a week. I wish I had called her husband 6 months ago.


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## turnera

member, you should start your own thread about this; it will help a lot of people.


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## Bentley'sMom

Hi, I have an interesting situation. Husband left a few months ago, he did not make any real decisions to divorce and was vaguely talking about reconciling. I found out he is now living with a coworker and they rented an apartment together. I started divorce proceedings and he is going along with them. I've also exposed the affair to family and now told people we are divorcing. He is angry, obviously. He also mentioned he had feelings for me a while back. Question is - is this an exit affair and will exposing stop it? I really don't think I can take him back but feel so angry he thinks he can do this, that I want to split the up....
He's also still denying it all, probably because they could get fired, and his reputation will be shot to bits
I'll start a thread...


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## anonymouskitty

Bentley Mommy, start your own thread. This is an old one.


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## member2012

Bentley's mom,
I don't know how well it would work since he has already moved out, and he is spending so much time with her... is he still keeping it a secret that he moved out? 

not sure how to start a new thread....


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## loosingmysouldmate

I read the article and it discussed everything that I have done. However, both my husband and the other woman have left their spouses and are now determined to begin a relationship together. She is an older woman and has been married 26 yrs. 
I have spoke directly to her and it has changed nothing.
The reply that I now get from my husband is that he is not happy and he has a God given right to find happiness with whom ever he choses.????????????????????????????????????????????????????


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## turnera

He's right. And if he can look himself in the mirror and convince himself he has a right to ignore morals and conscience, well, that's something he'll have to live with the rest of his life. You, on the other hand, can learn from places like this, make better choices in the future, and raise your head high in your new life without a cheater.


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## tennisstar

Momof3kids said:


> Granted my situation is a little different than most, but I would never want an affair by my spouse to be exposed like this. It would hurt my H, would certainly hurt him professionally, could create some really difficult family situations, and more than anything would hurt my children. I don't see this as a positive step at all. While I can see the value in confrontation between the two of you, I see this as something private for the two spouses to work on. Private matters should never become public knowledge, imho.


This is what I wondered about. My husband hasn't had an affair, but if he did and I told my family, we would never be welcome at family events again. If it ruined his job, we would suffer financially. 

I'm not questioning those of you who know much better than me...I just wonder....why tell my family and his work? Wouldn't that hurt me too?

Also, not all workplaces care about affairs. There have always been affairs going on at my office. HR does not get involved, even when it has been brought to their attention. I work for a Fortune 500 company too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Exposure should be made judiciously. Only to those people who can put a stop to the affair - if they are both at work and carrying on their affair at work, over which you have no control, you have to ask yourself - do you want your marriage to survive more than you want him to keep this particular job? You only have one marriage; he can get another job. But he will never stop cheating - or reliving the feelings they had - if they still work together. 

The cheater has to hit rock bottom and end the affair to be able to rededicate themselves to the marriage. If it takes knowing that his mother is ashamed of him, then his mother needs to know, and he needs to KNOW that his mother knows. It works like that. If your family knowing won't make him question the affair, then telling them may not help. Remember, it's all about making cheating more bad than good. Right now, cheating is good - the high, the PEA chemical feelings, the thrill of sneaking.... If looking at your mom and knowing you shamed her makes that feel not as good any more, then you may stop cheating.


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## tennisstar

Thanks for the explanation. I just wondered. And knowing other workplaces may be like mine, I wondered how many workplaces would care or do anything about it. Mine certainly wouldn't. 

I would say if my husband cheated, we would be done. We don't have small children, and I was divorced for 10 years, so I would be fine on my own. I love him and hope he never makes that decision, but if he does, I would not/could not forgive. For me, the resentment would be too much.

I know for others, there are other circumstances at play, and some marriages make it through cheating. Mine would not. I've been cheated on in relationships before, and the pain us too much for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Justadude

I was thinking about this as a tactic:

Several weeks ago my wife send me a joke on email, but she was sloppy and also included the posOM and a 3 or 4 other guys from work. She then tried to recall the message (didn't work) and I played if off as if I didn't get it. So I had the idea this morning, or forwarding the original article linked in this thread, and put something like "Interesting article" in the subject, send it out to her little distro...then a few minutes later try to recall the mesaage (it won't work...it never does)...and sent a subtle (or not so subtle) message to WW and posOM that they are risking exposer. I was also going to do this the afternoon of his weekly visit into town where they hook up...so it fresh in their minds (fears) in an attempt to put a damper on theri romantic encounter for the week.

Bad idea? Good idea?


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## turnera

Uh...did you just expose the affair like you should have?


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## Justadude

turnera said:


> Uh...did you just expose the affair like you should have?


No I have not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH

One sure fire way to end any and all affairs.

Divorce them if married or dump them if they're a gf/bf. That either ends it with the WS coming around or them telling you to go F yourself. Either way you know what you're getting into.


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## turnera

Justadude said:


> No I have not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The 'tactic' that you describe is what a passive aggressive, SCARED person should do. Why not just be a man and stand up for yourself and fight the affair head on? THAT, she would be attracted to. Not the scared, needy, beta male you are describing wanting to do.

If you're trying to get her back, your plan won't work.


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## turnera

By not exposing the affair, all you've guaranteed is that she and her OM lie in bed laughing about you. Sorry, but that's human nature. You failed the test by not exposing and fighting the affair.


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## Shaggy

Games always fail. 

Direct exposure is what you want to do, it will be the most effective and clear.


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## dougio

notreadytoquit said:


> Turnera, that's exactly how I understood the original post. Thanks
> 
> If anyone on this forum has gone through an affair(regardless of which kind) and have exposed it please leave a post here. I am curious to see how it turned out for you. I know every story is different.


<font>I stumbled apon this site and read through it to try to find a way to end my wifes affair and so I brought it out into the open with the other guy with a txt, I wrote exactly what it said to, after about 2min he msg me back and apologised for what he had done and agreed to never see her again. This just happened so I will be back with the news as to weather or not it is going to work he seemed to feel really bad. This random website may have just saved my marriage!!! THANK YOU!!!:smthumbup:


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My ex h had several affairs on me. I chose stupidly to ignore the red flags before marrying him. The affairs continued and he was living in a life full of lies. One lie after another. I chose to end the marriage. He then told everyone that it was my fault the marriage ended even though a woman moved in 3 days after I left. Now she can't understand why he cheats on her.

In my opinion you need to divorce to stop the affair. It's my number 1 deal breaker. Find a way to emotionally disconnect from her, it will be easier to leave. Work on yourself. Find things to do that make you happy and fulfilled. Fulfill your dreams without involving your wife.

Good luck.


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## meowmers

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BoxerLover

Wow, after all of the late nights searching for anything that could help, I finally come across this site/post. My wife has been having an affair for over a year, which has taken quite a toll on me. It has been mostly long distance until the OM moved to our state earlier is month to be with her. She actually moved out in May and only recently filed for divorce. Although I have not exposed the affair except to two of my closest friends seeking advice from them, she has told her sister and a few of her friends. Her sister and a couple of her friends have tried to convince her to end it, but with no luck. The OM has even recently moved in with her. 

I admit to having made some of the mistakes in dealing with this that many here have cautioned about, but I am now at the point of cutting off all contact except that which has to do with our son our our divorce proceedings. The thing is...I know that she realizes that what she s doing is a mistake and that she misses her "married life". I have given her the stipulation of cutting off all contact with the OM now and forever, but just like any addiction, she cannot. I've told her that I'll be moving forward with proceedings unless and until that happens.

I still love her and want to do anything and everything to save our marriage, and I feel that we still have a chance. My question is what else I can do? Her parents, for example, know that we are in proceedings, but they are unaware of the affair. Should I expose it to them and some of her other family members who still do not know? I've never confronted the OM either. Should I confront him (via email) as well, or have I let this go on for far too long?

Thanks


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## turnera

Yes, tell her parents. Today! You don't want them allowing her to bring OM around their grandkids unless they have to legally (if they get married). 

Don't confront OM - call his parents and his siblings and let them know what he did to your family.


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## the guy

@boxer

Start your own thread, some folks will see how old the original thread is and move on.

You will get more help and advise, but be warned, you have made some big mistakes and will gets some crap for that, but for the most part, folks here can help you rework your game plan.

I suggest you get to know as much as you can about OM and do a back round check on him. Do this for your sons safety first and for most.

In addition now that the affair is now longer this secret exciting affair, the reality of day to day will start to wear on the affair/relationship.

I think once you can some how get OM out of the picture you might beable to get you family back..at the very least get your WW to be more of a mother then a girl friend to some POS.


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## ilovwmyw

Hi everyone, my story is different as the others I have read in this post. I was the one involved in a emotional affair and my wife caught me. I started to have feeling with someone in my organization, she reports to one of my direct reports. She has forgiven me, but wants her out my workplace for good. I do understand her, I will do whatever is needed to save my marriage. Due to how the company I work for is setup, I can't just fire her. Her husband knows and has forgiven both of us. He also works with us. I will talk to my boss and expose this affair, but don't know what to do! I can resign but my wife and I know their is much too lose from the professional stand point (training, future, investment, career, etc). If I make a move to get her out of the company I will lose my job as well. I have started to look for another job, but meanwhile she does not want me to go the office. 
When I saw the moment I was about to lose my wife, everything stopped...including the feelings I had for the other person. 
Please advise!
I am willing to expose my affair, but from ever I see this I can get rid of the other person without risking my career and what my wife and I have built for so long.


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## mahike

You need to leave or the OW needs to leave. You cannot have this person in your life in anyway shape or form. If you really love your wife you will put your marriage and your love for her above your job.


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## ilovwmyw

mahike said:


> You need to leave or the OW needs to leave. You cannot have this person in your life in anyway shape or form. If you really love your wife you will put your marriage and your love for her above your job.


I agree! But my Wife wants me to keep my job or find another similar. I am willing to do this. But we both will have to give up a lot. Mean while I can't go to my workplace, this means I might get fired. Should I resign? I believe so, but. This will put my family in an awful financial situation. We recently invested and we can't live a month without my salary. I know I did something very irresponsible and immature. I didn't think about our financial future when I did it. I thought about the idea of convincing my wife I can go to work without feeling for the other person, I know I can do it. But putting myself in her shoes, I couldn't stand it. So I would not even suggest it, that's being too selfish.


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## turnera

Tell your boss what happened, let him know you stopped it before it went too far, but you'd like his help in seeing if there's any way to get people moved around so she's out of the picture. Tell him how much you want to stay working for him, etc. If he won't do anything after a week or two, then go to HR and see what they can do.


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## ilovwmyw

turnera said:


> Tell your boss what happened, let him know you stopped it before it went too far, but you'd like his help in seeing if there's any way to get people moved around so she's out of the picture. Tell him how much you want to stay working for him, etc. If he won't do anything after a week or two, then go to HR and see what they can do.


Thanks! That is exactly what I will do! I am worried moves right now are not an option. But at least I can determine my next move based on his response. 
I know I don't deserve it, but please wish me and my family the best of luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67mustang

Not sure if this thread is still going but I'm new here and a new unlucky husband after over 20 years. I believe my wife is having a affair with a exit boyfriend from 25 years ago. I have asked her about and she states that they are just friends. But yet everything between us has stopped other then still living in the same house. I believe it just a emotional affair at this time but not really sure I have asked her to stop seeing this guy so we can work thing out she says no and if I go near contact him that I will never see her or my family again

What do I do I nee it stopped


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## anchorwatch

67,

Stop being afraid of her or want she'll do. Stop taking orders from her and tell her what you're going to do if this isn't put right. She can't keep you from your kids. Go see a lawyer. What are you afraid of? She already gone. She cut you off and stopped being your wife. You can't lose anything else, except your self respect, if you don't stand up for yourself. 

Start your own thread. You will get the help you need.


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## workindad

You need to play hardball and need to do it very quickly. 

If you want more evidence first read weightlifters how to instructions and get a var in place ASAP

Why would you permit your wife to be "just friends" with her ex? Exs should be out of the picture yours and hers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

"Wife, I don't want to be married to a woman who will continue to be 'just friends' with her ex. If you have that strong a need to have him in your life, you don't need me. Let me know when you'll be moving out."


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## Justadude

67,

Lots of us have been exactly where you are...start your own thread and you will get great advice. Seems you have a very bold cheater on your hands, and my heart goes out to you, I know how bad it feels. Use this pain to make you a better man than you ever dreamed of! That's my advice. This can be the best thing that ever happened to you if you will it to be.


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## Brokenup

I'd like to know this too as my husband is also (supposedly) having an EA. Would it be right to notify his workplace (being they work together).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dignityhonorpride

Brokenup said:


> I'd like to know this too as my husband is also (supposedly) having an EA. Would it be right to notify his workplace (being they work together).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Brokenup,

This is a pretty old thread (last activity more than a year ago). Youd be better off starting a new thread (post) in this subforum (Coping With Infidelity).


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## woo

notreadytoquit said:


> I came across this article about steps to take to stop an affair. I would like to hear your opinions, and especially of those who are in the marriage counselling business. I am really interested about the part that talks about exposing the affair to friends and family and the way this article approaches that subject.
> 
> http://ezinearticles.com/?Is-Your-Spouse-Caught-Up-in-an-Affair?--Stop-it-Now!&id=1869007
> 
> Is your spouse caught up in an affair and they won't quit? Are they on the fence and bouncing between you and the other person? Would you like them to stop seeing the other person for good?
> 
> You should look at infidelity as an addiction and treat it as such. An affair is just as destructive as an addiction and it harms everyone it touches. You can apply many of the strategies that addiction recovery programs have used successfully for years. Many spouse's, when faced with their partners affair, make mistakes. Sometimes huge mistakes but this is normal and to be expected. This is such a devastating time in your life and your emotions are running in huge overtime. The thing to do is put all these emotions on hold and use sound necessary steps that are from a rational, educated and compassionate place. Trust me, this is the hardest thing in the world to do because I know that your world is crumbling at your feet and your heart is torn to pieces and you feel like your soul has died. If you let your emotions take over, your marriage could end up sliding towards divorce even though that isn't what you want.
> 
> Almost ALL affairs end. Less than 1% of affairs go on to be real relationships. Most all those who stray want to reconcile the marriage. The problem is, if they stay in the affair too long, the betrayed spouse gets fed up, loses all feelings of love toward their spouse and end up leaving. The say things like "I don't even know this person anymore!" or "This isn't the person I married." There are steps you can take to end their affair.
> 
> Intervention
> Just like you do with someone addicted to alcohol or drugs, a good ole intervention! Where all their friends and family are there telling them that right NOW they have stop what they are doing and get help (marriage counseling or coaching). The family and friends also set firm boundaries with what they are willing to put up with now and in the future if this person wants to stay in their lives. This is a form of "Tough Love". You're saying that you love them and the life you both have together very much and that you're willing to make them uncomfortable and angry in order to end their destructive behavior. You're also saying that you care enough about yourself to set boundaries about what you are willing to accept in your life if they continue on in this affair.
> 
> Stop the Madness!
> You need to stop screaming, yelling, fit throwing, arguing, and blaming. I know this seems impossible because they deserve all of the above but you want to look good to them and a screaming manic doesn't look good to anyone. You must learn to keep your emotions under control. If you can't then find a support group, yell and scream about it to a counselor but do everything you cannot to direct it towards your spouse. You want to be someone they want to be with, remember that.
> 
> Stop Annoying Behaviors
> Are there things that drive your spouse nuts and are very irritating to your spouse? Stop doing them! Just know that nothing you have done or haven't done is any justification for your spouse's affair. But since we are on a mission of saving the marriage these things could be coming in between you both and they need to end. You don't need to become the perfect spouse and personal change takes time so don't start blaming yourself for the affair and don't fall for the "if I'm just good enough the affair will end". This all leads to you thinking you have to be perfect and that isn't true. Some things would be poor hygiene habits, too much time in doing things like TV, computer, talking on the phone, shopping, etc., talking about your spouse in poor light to others outside the marriage, losing control and going into rages, things like this. I'm sure you get the idea.
> 
> Make Your Spouse's Life With You Peaceful, Respectful
> Do not go crazy and smoother them, this will drive them away. You don't need to get presents, spend every minute of every day next to them, and hover over them. This is annoying and we are trying NOT to be annoying. You need to uphold your own dignity. Be polite, respectful, and friendly but do NOT smoother! This is all about honoring both yourself and your spouse. This has nothing to do about you becoming a doormat and allowing the affair to continue on without standing up for yourself. This is about having good manners in the face of a very bad situation. Don't be mislead into thinking that you are saying that the affair was in a any way okay. What you are doing is stopping the harm being done to your marriage by intervening.
> 
> Confronting Your Spouse
> Before confronting your spouse be sure to have rock solid evidence so they can't start denying it and then try and get you to feel "crazy" and that it's all in your head. When you are confronting them you are not blaming, accusing, or being disrespectful. You are making factual statements about your evidence. Like, "I have found your cell phone records and I have seen you two together, I have these pictures from the P. I." Things like this. You just state what you have against them. Then you tell them how you feel about it. "I am totally devastated and hurt beyond your wildest imagination. My world fell apart when I found (fill in the blank). This will destroy our marriage if this continues on. You need to end all contact with (other person) and commit yourself back to our marriage.
> 
> You may think that you can't confront your spouse because you are supposed to be friendly and respectful but this has nothing to do with that. This is about saving your marriage. Being friendly and respectful doesn't mean that you are going to hide your head in the sand and pretend everything is okay when it's clearly not. Your goal is to make the affair extremely uncomfortable. You are to keep your dignity during this confrontation though. Draw your boundaries and stick to them.
> 
> Expose, Expose, Expose
> 
> I know, I know, you really don't want to do this. You have many excuses why not too. I can't seem to get people to do this but it's the most important thing for you to do. If you chose not to expose the affair you are letting your spouse continue on with the affair because you are making it safe for him/her to do so. Affairs are just like addictions and they take off like fire under the cloak of darkness but bring the affair to the light of day and it like throwing gallons of water on the fire making it go right out. A lot of the time, affairs stop only when exposed.
> 
> Who to Tell
> Your family, your spouse's family, your friends, his/her friends, his/her boss or work, colleagues, your church family, the other person's family and friends, etc. Just know that you are not "spouse bashing", this is not where you run and tell everyone you come across what a horrible spouse you have. That is not the point in telling people. Here is what you want to say. "My spouse is having an affair with (other person). I know this because of (tell of the evidence). I love (spouse's name) and I want to save our marriage. Please help me by encouraging him/her to do the right thing by ending their affair and all contact with (other person's name) and recommit to our marriage.
> 
> It is VERY important that you tell the other person's spouse if they are married. This will help in getting the affair over quickly. This is your goal, to end the affair and this is the quickest way to do just that. There is no hope for your marriage if the affair continues.
> 
> Most affairs happen in the workplace so it is extremely important to expose the affair where they work. Most places of employment will put a stop to an ongoing affair if they know about it. Get in contact with his/her human resources department and let them know what is going on. Remember that when you are exposing the affair to their workplace to keep it respectful and not spouse bashing. Here's what you can say. "My (spouse's name) is having an affair with one of your employee's (other persons name). I know you will want to know this because of the high risk of sexual harassment due to inter office affairs. I would hate to see this happen to your company. I want to keep my marriage and family together and I love (spouse's name) very much so I am hoping that you will take steps in stopping this affair. Thank you."
> 
> You will only be taken seriously if you remain composed and calm the whole time. You don't want to sound like a psycho going off on their spouse trying to stir up trouble. You will find that most people run away when you start talking about infidelity but if you talk about it in a matter of fact way, more people will listen to you and take you seriously.
> 
> Is Confronting Mean?
> A lot of people think that exposing the affair to all these people is mean. I will tell you that your spouse will become VERY ugly when they find out about all the people you have been telling. They are this way because, number one, they don't want their fantasy to end and putting light on it makes it end very fast. Number two, they may be ashamed of what they have done and aren't proud of the fact and are upset that their mistakes are known. You cannot let this stop you. Do not just look at today! The anger will pass, you are striving for a bigger goal and that is saving your marriage at all costs! Treat this just like your spouse has an addiction and needs a major intervention to stop his/her destructive behavior. In no way are you being "mean" to your spouse, you are saving them and your family. This is where your love and commitment comes in, where you can face your spouse's anger to save something as precious as your marriage and family.
> 
> Confronting the Other Person
> You are NOT going to want to do this face to face. I do not ever tell anyone to do this face to face. Emotions can really go wild and you will find yourself behaving in ways you wish you never did. It's better to either write a letter or an email. You only want to say this, "I know that you are having an affair with my husband/wife. I love him/her very much and I want to save my marriage and keep my family together. Your relationship with my husband/wife is NOT okay. This affair is coming in between us and making it impossible to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with (spouse's name) forever.
> 
> Okay, so they will probably have a really good laugh over it or deny it all or say that they are going to sue the pants off you. Believe it or not the point of the letter isn't to get them to end their affair with your spouse but to through a huge wrench into the affair and really rock the boat. You want to cause major conflict in their relationship. You don't want their relationship to be all rosy and wonderful, like they think it is. Remember they are in a fantasy and none of it is real. The sooner your spouse wakes up to this the better. You are hoping that they know spend their time together talking about YOU and how horrible and psycho you are, and this is okay. It doesn't matter what they are talking about as long as it's unpleasant. Having them fight is better then having them have a romantic dinner together.
> 
> Your spouse may have also told the affair partner that they were divorced, separated or that there really is no love at home. Sending this letter will show you in a different light and the affair partner may start seeing that your spouse has been lying to them too.
> 
> Get Support
> Find a support group so that you can find others in the same situation that you are in. It's amazing at how much this helps because at times like these it's so easy to feel very much alone. I would also try and find a marriage coach/counselor that deals with infidelity. They really understand all the in's and out's of an affair and can really help you. This is very important because your in so much pain that you can't see beyond the right now and you need someone there to help you see the future and what moves to make so that you can save your marriage. They will help you not do things from an emotional stand point but a rational one.


I need some help, my wife left about year ago and lives in another state with another man, she is an alcoholic and just left out of the blue. I want to save my marriage as we are not young people anymore. She will not talk to me and boasts about living away from our home. She has left me with our daughter which happens to have a 4 month old child of her own. What should I do?


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## GusPolinski

woo said:


> I need some help, my wife left about year ago and lives in another state with another man, she is an alcoholic and just left out of the blue. I want to save my marriage as we are not young people anymore. She will not talk to me and boasts about living away from our home. She has left me with our daughter which happens to have a 4 month old child of her own. What should I do?


Let her go.

You can't reconcile your marriage without her, and it's clear that she isn't interested in doing so.

Stop attempting contact with her and file for divorce. Be sure to mention to your lawyer that she essentially abandoned the marriage and marital home (and for a relationship w/ another man) roughly a year ago, as that will likely result in more favorable terms for you.


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## sokillme

Why some try so desperately to hold on to such awful people I will never understand.


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## badmemory

notreadytoquit said:


> Then you tell them how you feel about it. "I am totally devastated and hurt beyond your wildest imagination. My world fell apart when I found (fill in the blank).* This will destroy our marriage if this continues on. You need to end all contact with (other person) and commit yourself back to our marriage.*


This will destroy the marriage if it continues? Seriously?

By telling your WS this, you are essentially telling them you have already decided that you will reconcile; if they will just stop. That is the very definition of weakness and lack of self respect; and strategically a terrible mistake. The marriage has already been blown up. Divorce should be the default trajectory.

It's fine to consider R at some point, if contact ends immediately; but the WS needs to earn the right for that consideration first. They also need time to feel what it's really like, to lose their spouse for cheating. The BS needs to be very deliberate in making that decision.


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