# A fake persona is more than just lying



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I encountered this with my ex-wife. I called it her "Susie Creamcheese" persona.

To her family, friends, and coworkers she presented herself as this wholesome and "proper"person who would never harm a fly nor betray her husband. She kept that illusion going with me too. It took me years to figure it out.

Her real self? She did whatever it took to enjoy a secret life of cheating. Her behavior did not match how she comported herself to the world.

It was difficult for me to accept the reality of the situation. Far too many wasted years spent trying to fix things between us.

Once she was exposed as a long-term cheat it was too much for her to handle. She escaped to a place 1,500 miles from anyone who knew her.

There are some who still don't believe her incredible cruelty and treachery. Some figure I must have made her do that or that it didn't happen.

I have dropped contact with people I thought were close to me over this.

I finally divorced her and set myself free.

Live and learn.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Isn’t that what all those fake Facebook post you see are about? The people representing themselves as something they are not. They usually throw in something about how much they love their kids or whatever.... meanwhile screwing everything they can behind the curtain.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

But are you really free?

I could be totally wrong, but, to me, if you were free, you wouldn't feel compelled to start a new thread about your evil ex-wife.

If you were free, you're ex-wife would be a non-issue.

And you've been here since 2008, so how long have you been divorced?

Personally, I have my good days and my bad, but I don't want to be perpetually enslaved to my thoughts. 

Weeding them out is very hard. Truly forgiving and letting go is a process, and part of it is not reading certain posts and not participating in specific discussions anymore. And that is a huge help - for me.

Does it not stir up all the bad feelings each time you relive this over and over?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

minimalME said:


> But are you really free?
> 
> I could be totally wrong, but, to me, if you were free, you wouldn't feel compelled to start a new thread about your evil ex-wife.
> 
> ...


Who says I want to forgive her?

I remain participating here with the idea of passing along my perspective in the hope of helping others navigate what can be pretty terrible.

You have layered in your own idea of what I am trying to do. 

I have a full life at this point. If you don't like my postings, feel free to ignore them.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm a tactical kind of person.

What did she do to communicate with this guy/ to be able to sneak around to see him

How did she know this guy? How long and how intense in terms of time and what they did for each other?

How much neglect did you sustain in this marriage?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

minimalME said:


> I ended my post with a genuine question, which you've chosen not to answer. But I understand.
> 
> Carry on with your bitterness, self-pity and overblown self-righteousness. 🙄


You can attempt to goad me for some kind of response that you'll find satisfying, but it won't work.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm a tactical kind of person.
> 
> What did she do to communicate with this guy/ to be able to sneak around to see him
> 
> ...


He lived at the apartment complex she managed on weekends. She'd "work late" or was at the gym, etc. Standard-issue excuses for what she was doing with her time. The affair lasted a decade.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

@mchzz, sometimes revisiting a situation can help to see what you did right and what you should or may to do differently. After a bad situation, a lot of people develop boundaries to be able to stop a potential problem from becoming one.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Why do people have a hard time believing that literally anyone is capable of doing terrible, cruel, under-handed things?

A serial killer named BTK was a prominent figure in his church and boy scouts. Al Capone opened numerous soup kitchens and literally fed Chicago. EXAMPLE REDACTED. I could give more examples, famous and personal, but I think my point was proven.

I am more interested in why you felt the need to start a thread and discuss this? Why are you looking to get out of it, or are you just wanting to get something off your chest? Like, realizing that this beautiful person that you once loved and thought was so pure, was actually a human being capable of terrible things and your image of them is forever shattered and tainted?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I was reading a different thread where a person was trying to make sense of the contrast between the persona presented to them and the reality of the situation.

I am suffering under no illusions about human nature at this point in my life.

I didn’t want to threadjack.

Figured my impression had something to add.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Why do people have a hard time believing that literally anyone is capable of doing terrible, cruel, under-handed things?


There's the "just world" theory. People don't like the feeling that random things can happen to them. This is why there is an element of blaming the victim. It puts responsibility on the victim to have made other choices.ie If only he had been a better husband.

this why I am amused when people talk about fine tuning your people picker without giving suggestions as to what one should observe.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Did you ever think about joining her at the gym? How late after closing time would she come here? Did she ever smell like alcohol?

The first time I started to wonder if my first husband was cheating was when he returned from happy hour later than usual AND not smelling like beer.

He would go to happy hour because as a management consultant you need to network a lot. But he would usually come home around 8 or 9 at the latest AND smell like beer.

Now I know to trust my gut.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

michzz said:


> You can attempt to goad me for some kind of response that you'll find satisfying, but it won't work.


I don't read it that way; I think we all look at situations we find too familiar for comfort and curious about the differences in how it affected someone else.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

michzz said:


> I encountered this with my ex-wife. I called it her "Susie Creamcheese" persona.
> 
> To her family, friends, and coworkers she presented herself as this wholesome and "proper"person who would never harm a fly nor betray her husband. She kept that illusion going with me too. It took me years to figure it out.
> 
> ...


Imagine being that person, being so ashamed of who you are that you have to hide it from the entire would. What a wasted life.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> There's the "just world" theory. People don't like the feeling that random things can happen to them. This is why there is an element of blaming the victim. It puts responsibility on the victim to have made other choices.ie If only he had been a better husband.
> 
> this why I am amused when people talk about fine tuning your people picker without giving suggestions as to what one should observe.


Never heard of the just world theory, but I would expect that anyone who believed this to have outgrown this thinking by their late 20's. You should know the world isn't a fair and just place. 

As for fine-tuning the people picker, it's not actually all that hard, people only see some of the red flags instead of picking up on all the red AND yellow flags that someone might drop. And actually responding when you see those flags (and not just ignoring them)
I have a perfect example. At my first accounting job, I was travelling with a senior. Don't remember how we get on the topic of domestic violence, but he knew that where we lived, calling someone X number of times in like, 5 minutes, constitutes domestic violence at that time (not sure if they changed laws?). I probably should've picked up on this and realized "Huh...you know this because you've been caught by it, haven't you?" (yellow flag)
But I easily caught the red flag that this guy was an alcoholic because he drank all the time whenever we traveled. And would get drunk all the time. (red flag)

Unfortunately, I worked with him and wasn't able to get reassigned, so I was stuck with him. But if a person were to be dating someone like that, I would hope they pick up on the flags.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Imagine being that person, being so ashamed of who you are that you have to hide it from the entire would. What a wasted life.


Personal experience tells me this may be more common than you think. It can start with something that seems pretty harmless at the time and quickly spiral into leading a double-life.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

michzz said:


> I was reading a different thread where a person was trying to make sense of the contrast between the persona presented to them and the reality of the situation.
> 
> I am suffering under no illusions about human nature at this point in my life.
> 
> ...


I actually think it is a good thing to be introspective. I am and have been from time to time. 

I think your post was introspective, and something to think about.

I use this place (TAM) to try and learn and try and help if I can. 

In the vein of your original post, for me, I wonder about my ex. I sometimes think, gee I wonder how some one could do some of the things she did? I don't know that I ever could. Not that I am some type of perfect person, far from it. 

I also am learning to live with the fact that I was so stupid for so many years to stay with her, and there was much more than infidelity. I don't ever want to NOT recognize what is going on or what I really want for my life. 

Anyway, I think it can be good to think back about the past. 

For one thing, I get to reflect about how happy I am that she is no longer part of my life. It is like the sky opens with sunshine every time I walk outside. Like a movie...


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