# Sister Hates My Husband?



## Cenn

Hello, my younger sister hates my husband and its really upsetting me and him. We have been together for nearly 7 years, married for 3. I love him a lot, he is not perfect but I knew that before I married him. The problem is he has pretty bad ADHD and is slightly autistic, which leads him to often forget house work, taking his meds and be a bit awkward in conversation. I am autistic myself and I did a lot of research on ADHD over the years so I understand why he is the way he is better than most. My sister has been in and out of relationships for a few years now and often has to live with us as we are the only family members who will let her. Both me and my husband are admittedly messy people and have a hard time keeping up with house work, I work 4 days a week and have a small business on top and he works 10 hour days 6 days a week doing manual labour. During her latest stint living in our spare room she has been getting extremely frustrated with my husbands lack of chore doing. She constantly complains about how lazy he is, how horrible he is and how much she dislikes him. I hold my tongue because she has mental health issues and I dont want her to have an episode, as she can be a bit volatile. I also dont tell my husband what she says usually as it would really hurt him. He has never said a bad thing about her and has been fine with letting her stay here even though she also barely contributes to the housework. She says she doesnt like cleaning up around our house because "I dont want to clean your husbands mess" even though she also lives here and makes messes as well. I tried expressing that her not helping just puts more stress on me but I dont think she cares. The other day we went out to do some errands and he stayed at home, I asked him to put dinner away and he was also doing laundry. She asked him to clean the bathroom. When we got back the dinner was put away and laundry was done, but he forgot the bathroom. She got really angry and started slamming things around, I tried to placate her but she starting yelling at my husband. She said I deserve better, that hes lazy, compared him to my other sisters physically abusive boyfriend(he has never harmed a single hair on my head or even yelled at me before), and said a few other nasty things. My husband finally yelled at her to get out of our house and she cant talk to him like that here, so she took off. I spent the entire night crying and still had to wake up early for work with puffy swollen eyes. She says she will not talk to him until he apologizes and told me not to invite him to our fathers day dinner with our dad. I have encouraged him to NOT apologize because he literally did nothing wrong. I have anxiety problems and this is now causing a large amount of stress for me as I care deeply about him and my sister, I hate any kind of tension between loved ones and its driving me into a bit of a depression. Is there any way to get her to calm down and act like an adult here? She is so volitile I feel like I cant talk to her. Any help would be appreciated sorry for the long post I am just quite upset.


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## frusdil

Your husband did nothing wrong. If she were my sister, she would have been out on her arse the moment she badmouthed my husband. Mental health is NO excuse for that kind of behaviour. How dare she speak to him like that when she is freeloading off of him, in HIS home? The audacity is breathtaking. Wow.


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## BlueWoman

Look, if you and your husband are okay, then it’s none of your sister´s business. Stop placating her. The next time she complains about it, remind her she is a guest in your husbands home and if she is uncomfortable, she is welcome to find other arrangements. And if she continues raging about your husband, you should quit letting her stay with you. She’s toxic. 

And after she leaves, I highly recommend hiring a cleaning person. I can’t express how great it is not having to worry about that. I have to do some serious budget shifting when I decided to do that, but I found that my quality of life was greatly improved by taking that off my plate.


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## Livvie

frusdil said:


> Your husband did nothing wrong. If she were my sister, she would have been out on her arse the moment she badmouthed my husband. Mental health is NO excuse for that kind of behaviour. How dare she speak to him like that when she is freeloading off of him, in HIS home? The audacity is breathtaking. Wow.


I'd give your sister a total time out. Maybe try contacting her again in half a year or so.

Don't let her ruin your marrige.


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## Openminded

Time for her to move on.


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## Diana7

Does she work? If so why can't she get her own place? If she isn't working and you both are, then she needs to do most of the housework.


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## CountryMike

frusdil said:


> Your husband did nothing wrong. If she were my sister, she would have been out on her arse the moment she badmouthed my husband. Mental health is NO excuse for that kind of behaviour. How dare she speak to him like that when she is freeloading off of him, in HIS home? The audacity is breathtaking. Wow.


There it is. Say no more.


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## SpinyNorman

You're getting good advice. 

Regarding "I hate any kind of tension between loved ones", most of us do and it's a good quality. 

Your sister knows this, and perversely likes it, so she "pushes your buttons." But if a button has no wire connected to it, people will get tired of pushing it pretty quickly. Meaning, when she acts out, don't get upset, or at least don't let her see you're upset. It will take the fun out of it.


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## Ursula

frusdil said:


> Your husband did nothing wrong. If she were my sister, she would have been out on her arse the moment she badmouthed my husband. Mental health is NO excuse for that kind of behaviour. How dare she speak to him like that when she is freeloading off of him, in HIS home? The audacity is breathtaking. Wow.


This is bang-on, and if she were my sister, she too would be moving out, and would not be welcomed back even for a visit anytime soon. Your husband did nothing wrong, and it's your sister who needs to apologize.


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## Cenn

I guess to clarify a little she is out staying with a new boyfriend, and is moving into another place in august. I no longer want her living with us and I'm just mostly concerned about family gatherings and such. If she's going to throw a tantrum everytimr my husband comes to a family diner I don't know if I can take it. We are very close and she's basically my only friend in the world right now beside him. For some reason she can handle being around my sisters pos physically abusive boyfriend (he was invited to fathers day dinner) but not my husband??


Diana7 said:


> Does she work? If so why can't she get her own place? If she isn't working and you both are, then she needs to do most of the housework.


She just recently got a job doing 2 days a week, 24 hour shifts. She also does the business with me but before that she didn't work at all.


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## Ursula

Cenn said:


> I guess to clarify a little she is out staying with a new boyfriend, and is moving into another place in august. I no longer want her living with us and I'm just mostly concerned about family gatherings and such. If she's going to throw a tantrum everytimr my husband comes to a family diner I don't know if I can take it. We are very close and she's basically my only friend in the world right now beside him. For some reason she can handle being around my sisters pos physically abusive boyfriend (he was invited to fathers day dinner) but not my husband??
> 
> She just recently got a job doing 2 days a week, 24 hour shifts. She also does the business with me but before that she didn't work at all.


Did you go to the Father's Day dinner? Was it your Dad who was choosing who was and wasn't invited, or just your sister? Either way though, if that were my husband and my family uninvited him to a family dinner, I wouldn't go either. You guys are married; you travel as a unit, and it sounds like you guys actually have a pretty solid marriage, despite your sister. You guys are definitely doing something right, so keep that up! Can you talk to your sister about this? Make amends and get her to understand that he's still your husband and you love him, even if she doesn't?


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## Cenn

Ursula said:


> Did you go to the Father's Day dinner? Was it your Dad who was choosing who was and wasn't invited, or just your sister? Either way though, if that were my husband and my family uninvited him to a family dinner, I wouldn't go either. You guys are married; you travel as a unit, and it sounds like you guys actually have a pretty solid marriage, despite your sister. You guys are definitely doing something right, so keep that up! Can you talk to your sister about this? Make amends and get her to understand that he's still your husband and you love him, even if she doesn't?


My dad doesn't know about any of this, he is recently disabled from a stroke so we try not to stress him out too much. My sister was the one forbidding my hubby from coming. He had to work anyways but she would throw a fit and leave if he had shown up and make diner miserable for everyone. I can try talking to her about it but it's really really difficult to get anything through to her.


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## BlueWoman

Cenn said:


> My dad doesn't know about any of this, he is recently disabled from a stroke so we try not to stress him out too much. My sister was the one forbidding my hubby from coming. He had to work anyways but she would throw a fit and leave if he had shown up and make diner miserable for everyone. I can try talking to her about it but it's really really difficult to get anything through to her.


Don’t try talking to her. You can’t reason with an unreasonable person. Her behavior is not your responsibility. If bringing your husband to a family event makes her leave, then let her leave. It’s not your job, nor is it healthy to try to manage her behavior.


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## Nailhead

The sister needs a new place to live.


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## Mr. Nail

Cenn said:


> We are very close and she's basically my only friend in the world right now beside him.


#1 She's not your friend.
#2 She is abusive towards you and your Husband.
The only way she can be defined as "close" to you, is the way that she borrows your husband from you when she doesn't have her own boyfriend to abuse. 
She did co-opt you to enforce her punishment of your husband on Fathers Day.


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## Ursula

Cenn said:


> My dad doesn't know about any of this, he is recently disabled from a stroke so we try not to stress him out too much. My sister was the one forbidding my hubby from coming. He had to work anyways but she would throw a fit and leave if he had shown up and make diner miserable for everyone. I can try talking to her about it but it's really really difficult to get anything through to her.


I echo @BlueWoman, you're not responsible for your sister's behaviour, and if she wants to be that way, she's welcome to leave the family gathering, and there's no need for you to apologize for her bad behaviour either. The only one you're responsible for is yourself; your husband is responsible for himself. I also don't think you should be pussyfooting around your sister either, she sounds like a very toxic, controlling little girl who throws a tantrum if she doesn't get her way. Okay, she has some mental health issues, but that's no reason for her to not act like an adult. You and your husband have done nothing wrong in this situation.

ETA: I also agree with @Mr. Nail, your sister isn not your friend, and she's abusive towards you and your husband.


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## frusdil

Cenn said:


> I guess to clarify a little she is out staying with a new boyfriend, and is moving into another place in august. I no longer want her living with us and I'm just mostly concerned about family gatherings and such. *If she's going to throw a tantrum everytime my husband comes to a family diner I don't know if I can take it.* We are very close and she's basically my only friend in the world right now beside him. For some reason she can handle being around my sisters pos physically abusive boyfriend (he was invited to fathers day dinner) but not my husband??
> 
> She just recently got a job doing 2 days a week, 24 hour shifts. She also does the business with me but before that she didn't work at all.


So what's the answer? Throw your husband under the bus for the sake of your abusive, manipulative sister? Because that's what she is.



Cenn said:


> My dad doesn't know about any of this, he is recently disabled from a stroke so we try not to stress him out too much. My sister was the one forbidding my hubby from coming. He had to work anyways but *she would throw a fit and leave if he had shown up and make diner miserable for everyone*. I can try talking to her about it but it's really really difficult to get anything through to her.


That's her problem, not yours, and certainly not your husbands. If she wants to leave, let her leave.

If my family told me my husband wasn't welcome they'd be told where to shove their invite, and they wouldn't see us for dust. He's my person. My north star. Don't want him, don't get me either.


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## Luckylucky

Maybe your sister wants your husband, and what better way to do it than this.

When it’s all gone to **** I just wonder if she’ll give him a shoulder to cry on… and then hate on you 😉

Be smart. Get rid of her yesterday before your marriage is toast and she eats it.


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## Luckylucky

We had a crazy grandmother who was like this, an absolute lunatic. She tried it on her sister’s husbands, even her daughter’s… and she successfully busted up one marriage and then immediately hit on him. She’s 89 now, and telling stories about how all those men loved her, yes even her daughter’s husband. 😂 It’s sad but sadder when you realise how she blew up so many lives and people fell for it.

Get off the crazy train immediately and send her away.


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## Luckylucky

Also, it’s really concerning that she’s your only friend. This is absolutely mental!! Why are you worrying about your father? Where were your parents in all of this and why did they not look after you and protect you from her? It was you being the little parent, wasn’t it? I am heartbroken for you that no-body kept you safe and took care of you 😔

How on earth did you get to this point in your life? Everyone should have friends.

What are you scared of? What is scaring you that much that you cannot shake her off?

Has she threatened suicide before?


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## Atholk

She sounds utterly awful to live with and I think you should question what your great friendship with her actually entails.

My hunch is it's nothing but you catering to her, while she brings nothing to the table except chaos.

Ever consider she's just jealous as f that you can keep a man and she can't? So driving a wedge between you and your husband is designed to end up with your marriage failing, so that way you and your sister would be equal.


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## ElwoodPDowd

Don't invite her round is the obvious answer.
Meet her at her place, the park, coffee shops.
No need for her to ever see your husband.


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## Evinrude58

I like that you told your husband NOT to apologize, and that you are loyal to him. You’ve tried to be loyal to your sister. 

Her calling your husband lazy when he works manual labor 10 hours a day, 6 days a week, while living in his home and enjoying the fruits of HIS labor? Damn. That’s some serious pathological thinking. I think you should spend many years enjoying your good husband who treats you well. Your sister doesn’t love you like you love her. I’d go with the “time out” advice for her.

if your house is clean enough to suit you and your husband, it’s clean enough.

I wish you good luck and the next time your sis needs a place to stay, which will come soon enough, be prepared to “just say no”. You‘ve dome your best. Let her do her best for once.


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