# Signing Papers Today, Now A Dull Ache



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Okay, I'm signing the papers at 11am and there have been numerous opportunites for my STBX to reconcile but he never took any of the olive branches. And so....it's true, it's happening: the big D. Wow, if you had told me that this was going to end in 9 years I would never have believed you. 

I have not had a good cry yet because I felt I had to be strong but I have a feeling it's going to be a Victoria Falls orgy of tears. 

I did do the 180 and worked for me. It gave me dignity. I never begged, I did question his texting of the EA (which seems to have stopped since he saw person on last run away vacation) because I wanted the truth. But you know, I had to let that go. I am never going to learn the whole truth just bits and pieces. 

And so, now it is time to move forward. I have reflected about the years, reviewed my contribution in the crumbling of this marriage, owned my part and hopefully, learned that I must communicate better. Learned that if ever I have another relationship it must be with someone that understand feelings and it is not always about them!

So this door is closing, I am standing in the hallway and I know I am reaching for the next door. But it is a LONG fking hall and sometimes I am crawling or standing still, but I will get there.

The pain did lessen, at first it was a sharp sword, twisting in my heart. I thought I would go nuts with the pain. Now it is a dull ache that occasionally flares up. I have to be on guard what music I listen to, what movies I watch and nostaglia. All heart twisters.

Sorry about the long post but this day......tears


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

There is no need to apologize for the length of your post. You have to get your feelings out.

I am sorry you are going through this, do not be afraid to let those tears fall. D is much like a death and it is very painful.

It sounds like you have done a lot of work on yourself and will come out of this a better person.

One day at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Thank you, DelinquentGirl. I have reflected alot since he had abandoned me for a total of 6 weeks in the last 3 months when this all began. I didn't have a choice mentally. I had time. I live on 5 acres and it is isolated but I stepped up my meetings to be with other people.

I had lost so much weight (I weigh 120 lbs & I am 5'6) but so did he.
The one thing that really sucks: I have this tiny pilot light of hope, hope that he will stop me going to sign the papers but that is not going to happen. All that does is burn me big time.

I have to be strong, wear my sunglasses and sit in car after signing and cry.

We are stuck in the same household, until the house sells and it is a beautiful, we built it and it was our design but it is unappealing because of the dirt road. It has been on the market for a very long time.

Oh boy this does suck. Ow Ow Ow


----------



## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Sparkles I just read your post, and by now you will have signed the papers. I do feel for you, and how difficult your situation must be, especially as house not selling. 

I have been separated about 4 weeks, no plans to divorce as yet, but no real hope for reconcilliation either. although we see each other.

It does sound as if you have accepted, and maintained your dignity, and I really hope that you can sell your house soon, and start to rebuild a life for yourself away from your ex. Keep posting, and look after yourself!
Reindeer


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Thank you reindeer. But it's only 7am so I have a few more hours to go. Been up since 4am.
STBX hasn't gotten his coffee yet which is unusual. But hey I guess we're both feeling the finality of the decision.

This SUCKS. Yikes my heart is hurting and the sun still came up, I was hoping for rain.

I am going through the motions like a zombie. 

I guess crying is going to come. Better get a couple of boxes of tissues....


----------



## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Let the tears come. When I finally did, after two years of "being strong", the floodgates really opened. Absolute devastation, sobbing and sobbing for hours. It hurt, but it also was very cleansing, and after it my vision was clearer. It is healing to let go of so much charged up emotion.

I am sorry you are still together in the house. That makes it so much harder. I suggest taking yourself away if you can - find a hotel nearby to stay in for a couple of days and give yourself the space you need to grieve.

Best wishes to you.


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Thank you sadand. There will be no holding back today because I held back since early March when this all began to slide downhill. 

Woooo, what a ride, what a fking ride! I have been on many roller coasters but this takes the cake. One minute good, one minute falling apart, one minute bs yourself, one minute weepy. Holy toledo this is so unbelievable.

But you know, there is mystery and adventure right around the corner. 

Brave words. I'm bracing myself for whatever comes my way this day. I mean, what else can I do?


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I am also dreading this day, I can't even imagine how you feel. Like already said, take care of yourself. Go to lunch, have some wine, go see Insidious because it's scary and maybe you'll forget for a while.

You'll pull through and be "phew" on the other side. You're in my thoughts today.


----------



## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Oh sorry Sparkle did not notice your location. Will hold you in my thought for next few hours.


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Thank you everyone of you.
I am going to make it, I know I will.
Can't afford hotel or anything on UC but going to meetings all day so...
Next challenge, a job....never rains but pours.
I am NOT going to feel sorry for myself, not not not
I will feel the pain but not self pity, NO


----------



## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Thinking of you today. I am like you: If you had said this marriage would end this way, I would never have believed it, EVER. Divorce was the last thing I worried about. At least once the papers are signed, that part is over and done with. You may or may not feel better after it's done, but it will be done. (((Sparkles)))


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Okay, deep breath, I am leaving now to sign papers to get out of house because STBX is up and moving around and I don't want to see him, it will make me cry and I won't let him see me cry after what he has done to me these three months.

And Oh God I pray for the courage to carry on and move forward and be whole again. 

Shoot wow I am running out of adjectives.
It's a whirlpool and I'm spininng around.

Thank you each and everyone of you.


----------



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Sending prayers for you and your healing. God will see you through and to your next position in life. The very best to you on this day and all the others to follow.


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Looking forward to seeing you on the other side sparkles. You're a lot stronger than you think!


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I'm right there with the rest of these guys/gals on here. I am sending you my best wishes. I guess many of us on here will see you on the other side as stair said. Keep your courage up and stay strong; there's a better plan for you out there.


----------

