# Engaged.. And Very Concerned.



## mandea (Aug 16, 2013)

Hey everyone. I'm new here.. my name is Amanda and I'm 27 years old. I recently got engaged to my new fiance, who I have dated for the past 2 and half years. I know this forum is more for couples who are already married, but I'm specifically looking for advice from those who have been married for some time. 

I'm not so sure I want to get married anymore. I don't know if this is cold feet, my past thinking, or the actual circumstances causing these doubts. 

Before we got engaged, the relationship was amazing. Typical fairy-tale romance.. "soul mates", a perfect match, he moved mountains to be with me.. blah blah blah.  Kidding with the blahs.. but you all know what I'm saying.. it was a great relationship. Before I met this man I never wanted to get married, and never even saw myself spending more than a few years at a time with a man. After falling in love with him, all of that changed.

Fast forward to this past winter. He proposes. I say yes, of course.. because I am excited to be with this man for the long haul, and happier than I ever thought I could be. Everything else in my life had fallen into place recently as well. I was living the dream. But before we even received the actual engagement ring (it was custom), the problems began.

It was like as soon as I said yes, he stopped "trying". 

You see, I mostly support us financially. And I am fine with that.. he is building up his dream career right now, and cannot make a ton of money until it takes off. This could take another year or two.. maybe more. I get us by just fine, and we aren't struggling. I want nothing more for him than to follow his dreams, and he has put so much effort into this, that it makes more more proud of him than I would be of a man who works at a job he hates but brings home a paycheck every week. He also does (or I should say, did) everything else around the house and takes very good care of me in every other way. Cooks, cleans, takes care of the yard, fixes everything. But not so much anymore. He suddenly got lazy. Nothing gets done unless I complain, which I hate doing. So I've resorted to doing most of everything myself. And the resentment is building.

Our sex life has also vanished. We've gone from having sex 5 times a week to once every 6-8 weeks. And when we do have sex, he has trouble finishing. This has left me confused and hurt and feeling unattractive. I've tried everything from paying extra special attention to my appearance to using a huge assortment of different tactics to try and turn him on. Nothing has worked. Until recently, he blamed it all on stress and health issues (stomach). But I finally started a huge fight about it and even threatened to end the engagement (which was not nice, but I was feeling so low.. ) and I think the truth (unless it's just another excuse?) finally came out. He suddenly claims that he feels emasculated because I support us. I really don't know how to fix that. I always tell him how much I appreciate him and everything he does for us. What else can be done? We did go back to having sex regularly after that fight for about 2 weeks. And then that was it.. no sex for a month now again.

Sometimes I think he is suffering from depression, though he doesn't seem sad or unhappy with himself. He denies this as well. He still puts a ton of effort into launching his new career. He still puts a ton of effort into anything NOT related to us or our home. It really hurts. I feel used sometimes. Other times I feel like maybe he regrets asking me to marry him. Other times I wonder if he's cheating or still in love with an ex (when we met, he was getting over a difficult break up.. he told me once he planned on proposing to her). I've brought this up to him. I've even asked him, "Do you still love me? Are you in love with your ex? Are you cheating? Do you still want a life with me?" and he begs for me to not think that way. I don't want to think that way either.. but how can I not?

Aside from these issues, I love him deeply. I know he loves me as well. He's very affectionate. He's very encouraging. He often takes me hand and tells me how much he loves me and appreciates me. He's everything I want personality wise. We get along so well. We laugh and still go out and have fun together. This post maybe makes him seem like a horrible man.. he is NOT. He just doesn't realize that the sudden lack of effort around the house and in the bedroom are damaging my feelings for him. 

Can anyone tell me what they think? Is this stuff we can overcome? We will be engaged for another year at least.. so I do think it's worth trying (I won't just give up easily). But if I do marry him before knowing if having a career of his own will change his attitude, do I have a sexless, almost one-sided marriage to look forward to? Will he one day wake up and think, "why did I marry her?" I don't think I should stick around if this isn't going to work either. Life is too short! Please help?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Is he bringing in any income at all?


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## mandea (Aug 16, 2013)

Yes.. he does work for his old job 1 week out of the month. This is basically all the free time he has to do so. The rest of the month he works here at home on the computer or at his business partner's house (the guy he is starting his new business with) trying to get their plans rolling. He never buys anything for himself with this money other than gas and a few little things here and there to put into his new business. The rest he gives to me for whatever we need. He insists I take it and spend it on what we need most. I've suggested he should open a separate checking account for this money so he can spend it on things for us or himself, but he says "I'd rather you keep it put away for taxes, groceries, etc."


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## mandea (Aug 16, 2013)

I forgot to write in there that he was used to making much much more than he does now. When we met he would've been able to support us both. Kind of the opposite of what things are now. So I do see where his insecurities are coming from.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not sure what's going on, but there's no way I'd walk into a marriage that already had serious sexual conflict. That doesn't get better with a piece of paper and a ring. What you are seeing right now is him at his very best, "courting" Sunday-Go-to-Meeting behavior. If he's acting lazy and unaffectionate, now, you are in for a world of hurt once this relationship becomes legalized.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, there are too many problems here. They might be able to be solved, but marriage will only make it worse at this point.

What is this career/business choice he's going after? Can you just give up say the type of work.. like website building, music production.. etc? It might help figure out what's going on in that area.

How much time weekly does he put into this effort?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you are very wise to be having second thoughts about this marriage. DO NOT get married yet. If things do not change, do not marry him. The resentment is brewing now and you're not even married 5, 10, 20 years. Your resentment will grow and grow and the love and affection you still feel for him will soon be totally overshadowed by the resentment. Marriages crumble (read the many posts here) from non-existent sex lives.

This is what an engagement period is for, and thank goodness for you it is a long one. Unless you have 0 resentment and the sex life improves to what you'd like, I would hold off on marriage to this guy.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

love him all you want---JUST DO NOT MARRY HIM

You have been shown what he will be like---you are very lucky----you have been given a great gift---the vision, of what he will be like---WHEN YOU ARE LEGALLY STUCK WITH HIM

he did what he needed to do---to get you, he figures, you will stay no matter what---do not fall into that trap---your love will be a blind love, topped off by misery---and that you do not need

Give him back his engagement ring----and have a long serious talk with him---see if his ways change---but until you are absolutely sure---he is gonna pull his load----DO NOT MARRY HIM


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

As others have said, marriage only makes these issues worse, not better.

Being with someone for 5-10 years has a tendency to increase resentment, sexual issues, etc. If you're already struggling with this now, you are going to be in trouble if you go through with it.

I'd express your concerns to him, and what you need to feel satisfied, and see how it changes things for a few months.

The sex thing is really odd though. No normal man could have sex once every 6-8 weeks. So either he is a closet gay (are you sure this business partner isn't a lover?), he is cheating on you/addicted to porn, or he has low testosterone. Neither of those scenarios is good for you.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

It really doesn't sound promising. I agree with all those who say don't marry him unless things change for the better, and stay changed for a good year or so.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

mandea said:


> We've gone from having sex 5 times a week to once every 6-8 weeks. And when we do have sex, he has trouble finishing.


Check his browser history for gay porn. He's late 20s? Early 30's? He should want it 5 times a DAY.

You are his beard. Look it up.


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## mandea (Aug 16, 2013)

Thank you for the replies. I think I know in my heart that unless this changes, I don't want to marry him. I'm just hoping there is way to fix these issues. Everything else about our relationship is so great.. throwing all that away for a couple problems seems silly. But like you all have said.. give it time and lack of change, and these problems will be huge issues.



EleGirl said:


> What is this career/business choice he's going after? Can you just give up say the type of work.. like website building, music production.. etc? It might help figure out what's going on in that area.
> 
> How much time weekly does he put into this effort?


I don't want to be too revealing on here, but it isn't something he can just move on from without walking away from his goals in life. He has dreamed of this career since he was little.. and pretty much has a once in a lifetime shot to make it work out for him now. He puts a good 4-8 hours a day into this when he isn't working at his old job. 

My job allows me a lot of free time as well, so we both have time to take care of chores and keep the house in order. But now it's like he doesn't want to do any of that. He says he feels so down about his situation and has no energy or motivation?? Swears up and down that he isn't taking me for granted. I would think he'd be excited about his new career and getting so much accomplished there.. maybe it's so much more stressful than I realize?



COguy said:


> As others have said, marriage only makes these issues worse, not better.
> 
> Being with someone for 5-10 years has a tendency to increase resentment, sexual issues, etc. If you're already struggling with this now, you are going to be in trouble if you go through with it.
> 
> ...





MrK said:


> Check his browser history for gay porn. He's late 20s? Early 30's? He should want it 5 times a DAY.
> 
> You are his beard. Look it up.


He is not gay (neither is his business partner, who I know well). Probably the most manly man I know. His career(s), lifestyle, everything. I have a couple gay friends.. and I know that closet gays can be hard to detect, but I've seen it all. My fiance is in his mid 30's. We've been very open about porn and masturbation, sexual wants and needs.. and used to watch porn together actually. He had a very high sex drive during the first year of our relationship.. usually men have had a hard time keeping up with ME.. but not him. Not at first. He's never hid anything. 

He often has me look things up on his phone for him (says his fingers are too big to type out long searches without getting frustrated) and so I've seen glimpses of the history on his phone's browser. Straight porn. Mostly tumblr videos.

We share everything on one home computer, so I looked this morning just to "be sure" (hey.. you have me curious lol). There are a few links to videos in the past couple months. Two featuring solo women pleasing themselves, one of a woman showering (sorry if that's too graphic for here). Funny thing is.. he used to watch porn every day or every other day. But looking at this recent browser history.. even that has faded! He watched one video 3 weeks ago. One other 2 weeks before that. And the third was watched 5 whole weeks before the middle video. Suddenly I don't feel so bad. Like maybe the problem really isn't ME. This is kind of a relief??

Low testosterone is something I'm wondering about. He is tired more often. Claims he has no physical energy. Has gained a little weight. Lost some muscle (though his old job was much more physically demanding). And now a huge drop in his libido. His claims of feeling emasculated could fit with that as well, right? He just doesn't feel as manly as before. But I know if I try and talk to him about this, he will feel embarrassed and probably blow the whole thing off. How would I go about it in a gentle, but serious way??


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

He sounds depressed. Maybe he's having a very difficult time with his new business and it's not going as well as he would like. It may have nothing to do with you specifically.


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## mandea (Aug 16, 2013)

Running Mom said:


> He sounds depressed. Maybe he's having a very difficult time with his new business and it's not going as well as he would like. It may have nothing to do with you specifically.


Thank you for the reply. If that's the case (which it could be.. I'm not very familiar with depression..), what can I do for him??


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It's tough to tell whether he's feeling depressed or if the changes you are seeing are related to a belief that he "has" you now and doesn't have to work as hard. Both are possible. 

If it's depression and you marry, it will be important for you to recognize that this IS his response to feeling overwhelmed and could happen repeatedly in your life together. 

If it isn't depression, well, living together without marriage may be the best option to keep him on his toes, but it's a knife that cuts both ways.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

He sounds like he's putting all of his effort, hopes, and dreams into his career. What if it doesn't take off? What if it bombs? Where will he be at emotionally and mentally then?

It sounds like you are beginning to see what your life will be like if you married. You've been dating a man that sees himself as becoming a success just around the corner. Success isn't guaranteed. If this opportunity doesn't work out, will he be willing to go back to his regular job? Will he be a good husband and put as much into your relationship then? I'd be hesitant to marry this guy until you see what happens with his career either way, and how he handles it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whether he has low T, is gay, running from the law, working for the CIA, or whatever, he's showing severe indifference to the needs of a woman he purports to want to spend the rest of his life with. The trap hasn't even sprung yet and he's taken the cheese away? To my way of thinking, selfishness has no place in a marriage. If your sexual needs aren't important to him, how can any other of your needs be important? He can't spare 30 minutes twice a week to attend to your very minimal sexual needs? What happens if you become seriously ill, unemployed, or paralyzed and you really need him to step up to the plate? A guy who'd neglect your basic human needs isn't worth your time. Your fears won't concern him. Your pains won't concern him. Your dreams won't concern him. Given two canteens of water and a trip across the desert with you, he'd drink one and shower with the other. A really "good" marriage prospect will put your needs before his own. He'll put any prospective kids' needs before his own. An indifferent porn viewer who leaves an unsatisfied, frustrated, woman in the next bedroom isn't marriage material. This is the same sort of guy who'd happily watch you freeze while he wore a parka.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mandea said:


> He has dreamed of this career since he was little.. and pretty much has a once in a lifetime shot to make it work out for him now. He puts a good 4-8 hours a day into this when he isn't working at his old job.


So he is actually not very focused at all in making this dream career of his take off. 4-8 hours a day is not a lot of effort. From the way you were talking about him being very focused on the career building, business building, I would have expected you to say 10-16 hours a day, 5-7 days a week. That’s very often the kind of effort needed to get an idea from conception to a money making enterprise.
So he’s not putting a lot of effort into anything… not your relationship, not your home and not his dream career. 

Either he’s depressed, or he’s learning that the dream is a lot harder to achieve than he ever thought it would so he’s getting defeated or he’s lazy and does not care.

Most people who try to start something like a business fail about 10 times before they can get one to work. Each failure is a learning experience. There is a very good book on this “Failing Forward”.



mandea said:


> My job allows me a lot of free time as well, so we both have time to take care of chores and keep the house in order. But now it's like he doesn't want to do any of that. He says he feels so down about his situation and has no energy or motivation?? Swears up and down that he isn't taking me for granted. I would think he'd be excited about his new career and getting so much accomplished there.. maybe it's so much more stressful than I realize?


From what you have written so far you have not given enough information about your relationship for us to really give you help. So here’s a question that will help us help you… How many hours a week to do two of you spend doing date-like things together, just the two of you? This does not include doing chores, shopping together, watch TV/movie when you are not interacting with each other.
If he is only spending 4-8 hours a day on his dream career, what is he doing with the rest of his time? Is he home? Or is he off somewhere? 




mandea said:


> He is not gay (neither is his business partner, who I know well). Probably the most manly man I know. His career(s), lifestyle, everything. I have a couple gay friends.. and I know that closet gays can be hard to detect, but I've seen it all. My fiance is in his mid 30's. We've been very open about porn and masturbation, sexual wants and needs.. and used to watch porn together actually. He had a very high sex drive during the first year of our relationship.. usually men have had a hard time keeping up with ME.. but not him. Not at first. He's never hid anything.


The reason for no sex, or less sex? There are a few typical reasons why a man stops, or slows down, sex with his SO: Anger and resentment is the top reason; his self-esteem is shot (and often blames it on his SO, and so were are back to anger and resentment); attraction dies; he’s having an affair. 



mandea said:


> He often has me look things up on his phone for him (says his fingers are too big to type out long searches without getting frustrated) and so I've seen glimpses of the history on his phone's browser. Straight porn. Mostly tumblr videos.
> 
> We share everything on one home computer, so I looked this morning just to "be sure" (hey.. you have me curious lol). There are a few links to videos in the past couple months. Two featuring solo women pleasing themselves, one of a woman showering (sorry if that's too graphic for here). Funny thing is.. he used to watch porn every day or every other day. But looking at this recent browser history.. even that has faded! He watched one video 3 weeks ago. One other 2 weeks before that. And the third was watched 5 whole weeks before the middle video. Suddenly I don't feel so bad. Like maybe the problem really isn't ME. This is kind of a relief??
> 
> Low testosterone is something I'm wondering about. He is tired more often. Claims he has no physical energy. Has gained a little weight. Lost some muscle (though his old job was much more physically demanding). And now a huge drop in his libido. His claims of feeling emasculated could fit with that as well, right? He just doesn't feel as manly as before. But I know if I try and talk to him about this, he will feel embarrassed and probably blow the whole thing off. How would I go about it in a gentle, but serious way??


If you are going to be married, you two need to be able to discuss things like this. If you cannot then marriage is out of the question. 
“Sweetie, I’m concerned about a few things. You are complaining about being tired more often, no physical energy. I’ve noticed your lack of energy as well since you just do a lot less these days. Our sex life has suffered as well and I really miss you in that way. I’m thinking that a full physical exam to include hormone test, thyroid test, etc would be a good idea. Would you like me to schedule one for you?”


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