# Looking inside myself... facing reality.



## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

So, I went to therapy today. My therapist doesn't really say much. He pretty much repeats to me key things that I say. It makes me hear what I have said, I think. 

One of the things I discussed was that fact that my husband missed his therapy appointment last Thursday. I told my husband to try to call the doctor for a phone session, or try to reschedule it for the next day, Friday. He refused and said that he was fine. Then, today, the day of my appointment and after making the call, he tells me that he called the doctor and asked if he could schedule the appointment directly after mine and asks me if I am okay with that. 

Why would he make the call and then ask me if I was okay with it. It wasn't okay with me, but I told him it was. I mean, first of all, who was I to deny him medical treatment when needed? At the same time, why did he feel the need to see the doctor directly following my appointment. Did he expect we would go to the doctor together? Did he just want to try to get a feel of my emotional state upon leaving my appointment? What would make him think that I would want to see him at all directly after my appointment?

These types of appointments are not like getting a simple check up at your general physician's office. I mean, the doctor doesn't just check your eyes, ears, nose and throat. Upon arriving at these appointments, during these appointments, and departing from these appointments you are in your most vulnerable and sometimes super-painful state of mind. I don't even want to pass my husband in the hallway when I go to my appointments. Luckily, there was no available appointment for him to attend, and upon explaining my feeling to the doctor I was assured that my husband's appointments would never be scheduled adjacent to mine. He told me that it would remain that way unless or until I had clearly expressed to him that I was okay with it. IT'S MY TIME TO EXPRESS MYSELF AND BE ME? How can I do that knowing that I will have to look at him, and acknowledge his presence either directly before or directly after my appointment.

I told my doctor that while I do not want to hate my husband, I do not want to love him or care about what he thinks anymore. I told him that I was not sure that I would ever be able to get over what he has done to me. I told him that I did not think that I was able to accept his kindness, and that I think I am damaged from all that I have been through with him. I added that I thought that I need not be worried about saving my marriage right now, as I had a lot of open wounds still that needed suturing. He agreed that my pain is still fresh.

He told me that I used that pain to protect myself now. He said that he did not believe that I wanted to get over what my husband has done to me. I told him that he was right. If I do let go of what he has done to me then I become a doormat all over again. I will be too vulnerable and become stuck again. He asked me if that was truly the way I viewed it. I told him that it was. He then put it into a little more perspective for me. My dilemma was that I let it go and give my husband control over me once again, or don't let it go and fear the pain or regret of divorce. He is right. This is my dilemma. However, not letting go of all that my husband, and step-daughter, have done to me seems a lot easier than trusting them ever again. I will not be vulnerable to losing control over my own life again. I can start anew. Meet someone that I will not fear and surely never allow to mestreat me. 

I was strong before I met my husband. I was raised an independent woman. I never allowed anyone to tell me what to do when I was growing up. I always found my own way. Pain, or no pain. I was a leader, not a follower. I liked myself, and would have never considered ending it all, or giving in simply because I was afraid of how someone else would feel about it.

I had major stress growing up in a broken home. It was just me, my very young mother and slightly younger sister. My dad was never around. He had abandoned us before I had even turned two. My sister was just 3 months old when he left. My mother worked three jobs while us girls were growing up. Times were always tough and we were very poor. We three girls butted heads all the time. The lights, water and phone were always getting cut-off and the repo-man was always after my mom's car, as it was hidden either in the back yard or down the street. Still, I was strong. The stress never affected me physically, and I never let it get me down for more than a day or two. I simply dealt with it. I got through it, and never looked to anyone else for guidance or assistance. I got a job by fourteen and helped my mom pay the bills. I sucked it up. I guess what I am trying to say is that I know I have it in me somewhere to be strong. It's how I was raised. My own family told me that they did not recognize me for the last several years of my marriage. They new that things were not right at home and even told me they believed that I was being abused and controlled. They were right.

I told my therapist today that I was damaged and wanted to heal, but never wanted to forget anything that I have been through. Not as a child. Not as an adult.

I will try to work on kicking my bad habit, my addiction, my co-dependency, my husband.

I don't ever want to feel controlled, or trapped ever again. I just have to find a way to resist him and not care about how he feels. I have to mean more than him. This is the hard part. :banghead: :scratchhead:

I cried again today and it felt good.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Crisis, that is the hard part of therapy and introspection -- really looking into that mirror and seeing your own soul. It can really be painful -- but fulfilling in time if you choose to do the work.

You do seem to be very focused on what your "husband did" and not on what "you did". As I have found myself, blaming another is only deflecting the truth of yourself. No matter how much my w's issues had an affect on our marriage I realize now that I let it happen. I slowly allowed it over time. Things that she didn't like I did because of her personality -- but I allowed it to happen. I wasn't me or who I was before her. I went along to get along because I thought was what you should do for a loved one -- but that is the irony -- it isn't.

Just worry about you and you'll be ok. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Good luck on your journey. 

Peace.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

So are you saying that because I let my husband do things to me, I then have the control to stop him from doing them to me? How do you do that, as that would be ideal?

I never even saw it coming when it began. It happened so slowly and subtly. Before I knew it, I was in a full-fledged abusive and controlling relationship. Me, of course, being the one to suffer the negative consequences of my husband's overbearing and controlling nature. I tried to stand-up for myself. That didn't work out too well for me.

I went out this evening. I went to the bar where I work, but this time as a patron. I found an excuse for my being out, which was to collect donations for cancer research. However, the whole time I was out, I felt guilty. I felt bad for not calling my husband. I thought about calling him all night long, but told myself not to. I feared he would make me feel even worse. Making matters worse, I saw an old friend from highschool with whom quickly became a clinger. He was making jokes and telling people that I was his wife. I would quickly let them know that I was not this person's wife, or girlfriend, or date of any sort, but that did not stop him as he became more and more taken by the alcohol he was drinking. I just wanted to be left alone. He stayed by my side all night, even though I told him that I would not be dating him and that I was married. God, he was annoying. He made me miss my husband who was usually so charming and charismatic when we were out on the town together.

My husband did do a few nice things throughout our marriage. One of the things is, when were went out for drinks at night (about twice a year), he would always tell me that I was the most beautiful girl in the room, and would always drag me on the dance floor if one of our wedding song began to play.

Another thing was if I was ever bothered by another man, he would always protect me. All I needed to do was look at him and he would know how someone else was making me feel. He was able to read me like a book.

I loved the times when my husband was sweet and loving to me. He would hold me so close and look into my eyes as if he were mesmerized by me, but he was always super drunk by this time. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

Anyway, I miss my husband tonight. I did not enjoy my evening. On the plus side, I did raise some money to put toward cancer research. That makes it worthwhile, right?

I am super-exhausted now, and am going to bed. It has been a long, hard, emotional day for me. Good night.


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