# No Sexual Desire



## Windsurfer (Jan 21, 2012)

My wife and I have been married 20 years and we have sex maybe 3-4 times a year. It drives me absolutely crazy but when I bring it up to her we usually end up fighting (definitely no make up sex either). She says she just doesn't think about sex. I guess I should be happy that I can pretty much guarantee she would not have an affair, but I am still REALLY frustrated.

Before everyone tells me to man up on this forum, I don't think that is the issue. I think she may harbor some resentment towards me from years in the past when I was deployed for extended periods of time in the Air Force, gone a lot as an airline pilot (I'm no longer flying thanks to 9/11), and travelled a lot when I started my business career. I also do some real estate investing on the side which has taken up a lot of my free time.

The thing is I now do everything I can to be home with her and the kids as much as possible. I deal with my real estate investments a couple of hours a week - a lot of which is during my lunch breaks, have a full time job that I'm home at 5 every day with hardly any travel and attend all my kids sports and other activities. I help a TON around the house, fix stuff, do dishes, help her with clothes etc. Although I wasn't as attentive in the past, in the last 5 years or so I have been MUCH more attentive. I compliment her on her looks, but don't suck up.

But the sex has not increased at all. If anything it has decreased. She says she is just not into sex. Her period seems to last 3/4 of the month too and she says she has a lot of plumbing problems if you know what I mean. She has seen numerous doctors who don't seem to have an answer for her.

Anyone got any ideas? I'm at my wits end. I've tried being the alpha male. I've tried being the beta male. I've tried being the alpha and beta male. She doesn't really care. She says she loves me a ton and can't imagine being with anyone else, she just doesn't want to have sex.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Windsurfer....I really empathise with you. I am in much the same boat (or rather aircraft!!).

It seems you, like me, are married to someone for whom sex is simply not important. 
You will get people on here replying saying that maybe she just isn't interested in sex with YOU...or that you are doing (or not) something that is putting her off sex.
Being away in the airforce or as a civilian pilot is a fact of life...it is your career that brings in the money (or part of it) that gives you, your wife and family the standard of living to which they have become accustomed. 

Have you tried counselling? Maybe a third, outside, party talking to your wife may help?

It all fails, I am afraid you will be reduced to afew stark choices, namely;

Accept the situation and sex 4 times a year
Separate/divorce
Stay but get your sexual 'feed' elsewhere.

Good luck!


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## SPRelationshipCounselling (May 23, 2012)

You are at your wits end and feeling frustrated . It makes sense that sex has become a pressured subject. The trick is to find out what your wife really feels about it without taking it personally.

I wonder what your wife's experience of intercourse is like? if it's not enjoyable no wonder she doesn't want it? Could you talk about it together - what would make it a good experience for her? What are her concerns ? What do you want to emotionally from intercouse Validation? to feel manly? to feel loved? what does she want emotionally from it? She might feel that you just want to get off - have sex and it's nothing about the speciallness of her.
Explore the myriad ways of making love without intercourse first - take the pressure off. There is a great book called 'Sexual Intelligence Marty Klein' - I recommend it.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Windsurfer said:


> I think she may harbor some resentment towards me from years in the past when I was deployed for extended periods of time in the Air Force, gone a lot as an airline pilot (I'm no longer flying thanks to 9/11), and travelled a lot when I started my business career. I also do some real estate investing on the side which has taken up a lot of my free time.


Unless you did these things without a care in the world for how she felt, I'd assume she was involved in the discussions pretaining to these jobs, or she married you with these jobs already known about, or likely to be in the future. She has no right to harbour resentment if this is true. 



Windsurfer said:


> She says she loves me a ton and can't imagine being with anyone else, she just doesn't want to have sex.


Actions speak louder than words.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> Unless you did these things without a care in the world for how she felt, I'd assume she was involved in the discussions pretaining to these jobs, or she married you with these jobs already known about, or likely to be in the future. She has no right to harbour resentment if this is true.


If a woman's emotions coincide with what is right, or logical, it is a happy accident.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It comes down to this: 

Either she is willing to meet you halfway or she isn't.

If she isn't, then you have to decide whether you want to stay married to her or not.

You have a choice in the matter. 

From what you've said, she is actively choosing not to meet your needs. 

These threads always amaze me. They amaze me because my exH would go maniacal just if we only did the deed 2x a week. Like angry, hurling insults and everything.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> It comes down to this:
> 
> Either she is willing to meet you halfway or she isn't.
> 
> ...


I agree.

I also do not get how anyone could have sex 4 times a year and say it isn't a 'man up' issue. Of course it is, otherwise you'd be having your needs met. What kind of man has needs and just lets someone use them and their needs as a doormat? Either you man up and get what you want with communication and compromise, or you leave this relationship. She gets what she wants out of you, a husband, a family, and the comfort and security of "not being alone for the rest of her life". Time to take some of her needs and ignore them. Why would anyone choose to be miserable with their needs not being met blows me away. I will NEVER understand this attitude.


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