# major relapse 3 yrs into R



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

My husband had a drunken ons over 3 yrs ago while away for work. In having terrible relapses of pain and memories with no trigger that I can sort out. The pain is so bad I don't even want to sleep next to him. I can't understand why I wasnt enough, or why he did this to me... Why has it come on so strong again all of the sudden? It's so hard to love someone who hurt me so bad.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

It's the stages of grief imo.
If you want to save the marriage ic for you NOW.
MC down the road.
Sorry you are here.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Riven have you forgiven him or not.
If you can't like I my ex it's okay we all have different standards.
Has he done the "heavy lifting" so to speak.
Does he go out of his way to console you.
If not you have to move on imo.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

One last thing...
This was not your fault FORGIVE YOURSELF.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you had counselling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

The stages of grief are not linear, they go in a circle, so you may come back to earlier stages such as the why? i feel like a fool stage, all normal. The time for recovery can be up to 5 years or longer. You may need professional help, therapist, counselling, a recovery group, etc why don't you get some? He cheated not because of you but because he wanted to and the opportunity arose. It is entirely his fault.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

We did counseling for a year. He has quit drinking, no porn, he's been a good husband in every way. But I just can't get past the heart break. He'll even admit he wasn't a good boyfriend or husband before the ons. I haven't forgiven him for hurting me or lying to me. I think I have but then I'll figure it that I really didn't obviously. .. :/


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Any of his old behaviors or attitudes coming up?


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

No need to forgive him, but has he made amends to you? MC, IC, reading books on what YOU are going through? Has he taken extraordinary care to get rid of all things that led to the affair (not travel for work, no time with OS friend, or whatever made the ONS possible?) It can take up to 5 years to heal your heart, if ever. I hope you can find some peace.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Forgiveness is a choice that you can make.

(For the record, I'm not trying to blame you for anything here, just explaining what you can do if you choose)

It's a choice that you can actively choose to extend to him. Ultimately, for the marriage to be saved you will have to reach a point of giving him forgiveness. You can't hold that over him forever. You obviously have every right to the anger and feelings of betrayal that you have, but eventually you have to let it go for YOUR sake first and foremost, but for the marriage as well. It would just mean that you would inform him that he is forgiven, that you will not hold this emotional debt over his head, that he owes you nothing more as a result of this event aside from his continued commitment as your husband, that you will not bring it up to him again in arguments, heated discussion or use it to hurt him.

An example I like to use is... imagine you loaned him the world's most rare and precious stone. Then he destroys it. He committed to care for that stone, return it to you safely, and he didn't. In effect, he owes you this stone, but the problem is that it was the only one in the world, so there is no possible way to "repay" this debt. He can bring you other wonderful and rare stones to try to make it up to you, but he can't possibly undo or replace what he did. If you don't forgive him, you'll always be aware of the fact that he owes you this irreplaceable stone. That thought will linger. You'll bring it up from time to time, and think of it every time you see him. Forgiveness would mean truly forgiving him of the debt that he owes you. That would mean not bringing it up again, not demanding repayment, and allowing him to not feel stressed or indebted to you.

With that said, that doesn't mean you have to forget what happened. In the stone example, you don't have to immediately let him borrow your next most rare/precious stone, or do so without extra terms/conditions. It's ok to insist on additional assurances, to be responsible when it involves someone who has proven irresponsible in the past.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

He doesn't really have any friends of any sex. .. he had some guys he works with. No old habits that I know of. He is going to be in Chicago for education for his work in august which is very likely the underlying cause of this relapse. He used to work away from home, and was on the road when this happened. He no longer works on the road though. This will be the first time he's been away for work again since the ons. I'm considering seeing if my doctor will prescribe me some Ativan for that week he's gone. I have an autoimmune disease and am already on about 12 different medications and don't really want to add any more to my list long term. But he's put off this education because he knows it is going to be hard on me. I could go with but we just got back from 4 days in Vegas, and I'll be in DC for 8 days for my daughters FCCLA competition starting next week. Me leaving with him staying home doesn't seem to bother me I don't feel. I know it's not logical to expect him to never go anywhere without me... I do know that my self esteem needs help as I don't think it's ever really recovered from the ONS.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I agree with cdbaker, forgiveness does not mean rugsweeping, dismissing or forgetting - it means accepting that which cannot be changed and having the wisdom to change the things that you need to change.

The grieving process is really about coming to forgiveness, for your self to function the way you are meant to again.

Infidelity is a huge breach of trust and it takes many times longer to rebuild broken trust than to earn the trust in the first place. If you want to have that trust back in the marriage again, and he is repentant and also wants to rebuild your trust, then be patient.


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