# It's frustrating to watch my friend parent her child



## MonicaM

I do not know how to detach from this. My friend, one whom I will be friends with forever, because she lives with my husband's best friend, does not parent her child. She befriends him, then after weeks of his horrible behavior, she blows up at him. 

Every time they go out, she buys him something. She says it's okay, because it's his money. But she makes sure he always has money. She never makes him understand that when you go to a ball game, you're there just to watch the game. 

He's 9, he acts six. He's well behaved, if she's not around. Everyone has pointed out that he acts different when she's around. She doesn't change a thing. 

He whines, he talks incessantly, he acts helpless. I know he can do things, because he does them when she's not around. But she does everything for him. He has never done a chore, he doesn't even clean up his own plate after dinner!

She spends money like crazy. She has a decent job, makes over $60,000 a year. Her parents pay her living expenses, while she pays off her credit cards from her former marriage. She isn't on a fast plan to pay them off, because she keeps at least $300 a week to blow on crap shopping. 

She's really nice though, and fun. But this parenting thing, and her sponging off her parents, drives me nuts. Her boyfriend is extremely passive and he says he's glad their finances are separate. He doesn't actively parent the child, because he just moved in, and she has told him it's not his place. 

I'm frustrated. I know everyone gets to choose how they raise their children. But I can't sit and watch without getting frustrated. She also thinks that everyone loves him like she does, and has no problems letting him bother everyone else. She just laughs as he clearly gets on other people's nerves. 

I can only avoid the child so much. Please tell me how to cope when I can't avoid him. Thank you.


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## DawnD

I am still trying to figure out why you care so much about her lifestyle/parenting. You seem offended by almost everything about her. He is a kid, if you want to avoid him, tell her you prefer to only hang out when you two can have girls time sans children.


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## MonicaM

I guess I care because I have watched so many kids grow up, and I can see how he's going to turn out if things don't change. I know she will be upset when he's a teenager and he walks all over her. I know he will only get worse. 
It frustrates me to see this, because she will complain about it-they all have-and all I'll be able to say is, "you raised him."

How can I tell her I don't want to hang out with her if her kid is there? That seems so rude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justwhy

It's is a cycle.. her parent still paying for your living expenses and she is doing the same for her son.


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## Mavash.

MonicaM said:


> How can I tell her I don't want to hang out with her if her kid is there? That seems so rude.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've had LOTS of therapy and one of the key things I've learned is I'm DONE doing things I don't want to do, DONE spending time with people I don't like and I'd rather be perceived as rude than waste my life with people like your friend's bratty kid.

Don't get me wrong I'm as NICE as I possibly can when I do this but I will do it. For example I quit seeing my niece years ago when she became a teen. Her life was a train wreck and I told my sister it was too upsetting for me and I didn't want a front row seat to that drama. I still saw my sister but only when my niece wasn't around. I had to do this for my own sanity and peace. I couldn't help my niece and since I couldn't detach my only choice was to distance myself from it. 

My sister is dating a guy with a bratty son who is in trouble all the time. She straight up told him that she couldn't be around his son so they hang out when he's with his mom.

I think this situation is more common than you think. I have people that I like but I can't stand their kids. I just strategically plan to be with them only when their kids aren't there and I'm conveniently busy when they are.


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## MonicaM

So, then, do you think I should tell her I'm sorry for attempting to help her parent effectively? And tell her I will back down. But that I have to limit my time with her and her son, together, because it frustrates me? 
Or, do I just avoid these situations? 

She also lets him use her phone whenever he wants. Which means if I send her a text, he might be the one who reads it. It also means that he has free reign to text or call me from her phone. He calls me about twice a month asking me to join them while they go do something. Like, go to the zoo, or to a city north of us that is a major tourist attraction. I said yes to those requests, because I needed to get out of the house, and I wasn't as frustrated with him at the time. During those trips, I realized my frustrations. He's never told no. 

Last evening, they went to a baseball game with my husband's family. The kid wanted MORE baseball cards, and was telling me that he did. I reasoned with him that they'd be much less expensive if he bought them at a major retailer, instead of at the ball park. His mother was listening in and agreed. An hour later, the kid was all proud of his purchase - he bought two packs of baseball cards! He was excited showing me. I was shocked. I told him outright that he's lucky he doesn't have me for a mom, because I would have said no. He didn't like me much after that. My friend asked what I said to him, and I told her. She reasoned that he spent his money. I told her it made no difference, that it was still frivolous spending, and that we were here to watch a game, not buy stuff. She smiled and turned away. But then a few minutes later, she hollered at the kid for hitting her boyfriend. And then turned away and laughed. 

It's VERY frustrating to watch. I just don't know how to separate myself from them. I know I'll be turning down future invitations from them. She's already planning on spending the entire Labor Day weekend with me. She told her boyfriend to go to my husband's cottage with him that weekend. His whole family is going, and I'm expected to go too. I guess she'll be home alone.


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## Mavash.

MonicaM said:


> So, then, do you think I should tell her I'm sorry for attempting to help her parent effectively? And tell her I will back down. But that I have to limit my time with her and her son, together, because it frustrates me?
> Or, do I just avoid these situations?


If it were me I'd start with avoidance. You know back away slowly. For all my talk I'm not a big fan of confrontations. I prefer to let things like this just fizzle out.

Sometimes though it's not possible but I will try that first. If that doesn't work then yes I will tell the truth. I'm usually a chicken and will do it via email but I don't care as long as MY needs get taken care of. I like emails because I can get friends to help me write it, I can take as much time as I want and I can gather my thoughts. Setting boundaries is new to me.

I will say this I do feel better once I do it. I've cut some people out of my life recently and while it was hard to do it feels FABULOUS now that they are gone. I do a happy dance almost everyday now. I don't miss them at all.


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## DawnD

MonicaM said:


> So, then, do you think I should tell her I'm sorry for attempting to help her parent effectively? And tell her I will back down. But that I have to limit my time with her and her son, together, because it frustrates me?
> Or, do I just avoid these situations?
> 
> She also lets him use her phone whenever he wants. Which means if I send her a text, he might be the one who reads it. It also means that he has free reign to text or call me from her phone. He calls me about twice a month asking me to join them while they go do something. Like, go to the zoo, or to a city north of us that is a major tourist attraction. I said yes to those requests, because I needed to get out of the house, and I wasn't as frustrated with him at the time. During those trips, I realized my frustrations. He's never told no.
> 
> Last evening, they went to a baseball game with my husband's family. The kid wanted MORE baseball cards, and was telling me that he did. I reasoned with him that they'd be much less expensive if he bought them at a major retailer, instead of at the ball park. His mother was listening in and agreed. An hour later, the kid was all proud of his purchase - he bought two packs of baseball cards! He was excited showing me. I was shocked. I told him outright that he's lucky he doesn't have me for a mom, because I would have said no. He didn't like me much after that. My friend asked what I said to him, and I told her. She reasoned that he spent his money. I told her it made no difference, that it was still frivolous spending, and that we were here to watch a game, not buy stuff. She smiled and turned away. But then a few minutes later, she hollered at the kid for hitting her boyfriend. And then turned away and laughed.
> 
> It's VERY frustrating to watch. I just don't know how to separate myself from them. I know I'll be turning down future invitations from them. She's already planning on spending the entire Labor Day weekend with me. She told her boyfriend to go to my husband's cottage with him that weekend. His whole family is going, and I'm expected to go too. I guess she'll be home alone.


 Do you have any kids OP? If not, I find you horribly presumptuous.


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## MonicaM

DawnD said:


> Do you have any kids OP? If not, I find you horribly presumptuous.


I do have kids. 22 and 20. People have been asking my child rearing advice for years, because my kids have always been polite, helpful, independent and generally good kids. I've been told they are the kind that they wish their kids were like. 

This friend also asked for my help, but clearly she isn't listening to the advice she seeks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown

My niece is generally a sweet child, but very spoiled and rude. She hits her parents and shouts at them. I may not be a parent, but I know such nonsense is unacceptable and shows a lack of respect. 

I don't let her behavior bother me because it is none of my business. It is not my place to tell my SIL and BIL how to raise their children. If they want to let a two year old rule them, that is their cross to bear. 

Let your friend raise her son the way she chooses. Every parent does what they know best and they either reap the benefits or pay the price. Many people told my mother to stop being abusive and excessively strict with me growing up. She did not listen until I had a nervous breakdown as a teenager. Some people need to learn the hard way and it looks like your friend is one of those people.


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## DawnD

MonicaM said:


> I do have kids. 22 and 20. People have been asking my child rearing advice for years, because my kids have always been polite, helpful, independent and generally good kids. I've been told they are the kind that they wish their kids were like.
> 
> This friend also asked for my help, but clearly she isn't listening to the advice she seeks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good, glad you cleared that up. Now here are a few things that I am grasping from your post. 

A.) You use the term "friend" loosely. I would never dream of ripping my friends down as you have done to the woman here. I would honestly believe her to be more of an "acquaintance" of yours.

B.) You have kids. They are grown. Surely you know there are many different ways parents raise their kids, and I am sure that you aren't under the impression that your parenting was flawless. No one's is.

C.) I stand by my original advice. Tell her you can't hang out unless its sans children if at all. Honestly, if she knew how you felt about her as you have it typed here, she probably wouldn't want to be around you anyway.

D.) This is in no way snarky, but I have to ask WHY you let someone else's finances and parenting get to you so much? My friends do things all the time that I think can be silly, but I don't hold them in harsh judgement. It doesn't effect me. It truly doesn't. If they spend all their money, have their parents pay their stuff, it isn't my problem and they aren't asking me to give them money. Why so much distaste for this woman?


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## DawnD

FirstYearDown said:


> I may not be a parent, but I know such nonsense is unacceptable and shows a lack of respect.


The question was because she asked if she should tell them she is sorry and she won't try to effectively parent their child. That is why I asked if she had them. If she didn't, yes I would consider that horribly presumptuous LOL.


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## MonicaM

I wish I knew. I wish I could answer that. It really gets to me though. Maybe I want better for her? I see the way he walks all over her, and I know it's only going to get worse. 
She's such a sweetheart. 
I take offense to you saying she's not a friend. I accept her for who she is, but I'm questioning myself and how I can back away. 
If she wasn't a friend, I wouldn't care. 
Friends care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD

MonicaM said:


> I wish I knew. I wish I could answer that. It really gets to me though. Maybe I want better for her? I see the way he walks all over her, and I know it's only going to get worse.
> She's such a sweetheart.
> I take offense to you saying she's not a friend. I accept her for who she is, but I'm questioning myself and how I can back away.
> If she wasn't a friend, I wouldn't care.
> Friends care.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't mean to offend. But do you think if she read this, she would consider you a friend? Honestly? Friends care, yes. But you basically shredded this woman in every way in your OP. 

I have a friend that does not like children and she has a child. When she has get togethers she asks that no one bring their children. I don't see anything wrong with it. Simply say " I have raised mine and noticed I am on edge around the little humans, I would prefer if we could hang out sans children for a while"


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## DawnD

Monica, my previous post STILL came out wrong.I am not trying to say you are a bad person, not at all. What I am trying to say, is if you hanging around with her child turns you into a person that isn't who you are, then yes, you need to back away. 

I have a girlfriend who is married, no kids. She judges EVERYONE. Did you see her HAIR? Did you see those shoes? Omg who would wear that? blah blah blah. I CAN'T be around her. Because she makes me feel like a horrible person just listening to her. If you feel that way about this girls child, yes, request meetings without the kiddo.


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## Mavash.

Dawn I used to be the most judgemental person you'd ever want to meet. In fact on those personality tests I get 100% on the J (judgemental) in INTJ so technically I was born this way. It has taken age, wisdom and a whole lot of therapy to quit this insideous habit. 

My reason for saying this is for ME it wasn't so easy to overcome. I get what you're saying to the OP but it's hard...really hard to do if you're prone to being judgemental like I was. I can now be friends with someone without feeling any need whatsoever to judge, correct or rescue. If they bother me I simply avoid or limit contact. Easy enough.


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## MonicaM

Ya know what's ironic about the last two responses? This friend is very judgemental. She makes derogatory comments about everyone, and says its okay because she makes fun of herself too. 
I'm not that kind of person at all. I came here to vent because I know she won't see it and I truly was looking for some outside insight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

MonicaM said:


> Ya know what's ironic about the last two responses? This friend is very judgemental. She makes derogatory comments about everyone, and says its okay because she makes fun of herself too.
> I'm not that kind of person at all. I came here to vent because I know she won't see it and I truly was looking for some outside insight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know. I was just trying to say I see Dawn's point.

Of course your friend is judgemental. I can tell by her actions. LOL


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## DawnD

Mavash. said:


> Dawn I used to be the most judgemental person you'd ever want to meet. In fact on those personality tests I get 100% on the J (judgemental) in INTJ so technically I was born this way. It has taken age, wisdom and a whole lot of therapy to quit this insideous habit.
> 
> My reason for saying this is for ME it wasn't so easy to overcome. I get what you're saying to the OP but it's hard...really hard to do if you're prone to being judgemental like I was. I can now be friends with someone without feeling any need whatsoever to judge, correct or rescue. If they bother me I simply avoid or limit contact. Easy enough.


 Everyone judges to an extent. Or at least I believe that we all do. I think orange cars are silly LOL. But I do think when it gets to where you are quite literally ripping someone to shreds, its time to back away and make sure that is the person you want to be.

I can see how it can be natural for some to want to judge, correct, or rescue. But the best idea is your last line. Simply avoid or limit contact


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## Mavash.

DawnD said:


> But I do think when it gets to where you are quite literally ripping someone to shreds, its time to back away and make sure that is the person you want to be.
> 
> I can see how it can be natural for some to want to judge, correct, or rescue. But the best idea is your last line. Simply avoid or limit contact


Took me until I was 46 years old to get this concept. 

To the best of my ability I no longer judge others. This was a huge accomplishment for me.


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## DawnD

MonicaM said:


> Ya know what's ironic about the last two responses? This friend is very judgemental. She makes derogatory comments about everyone, and says its okay because she makes fun of herself too.
> I'm not that kind of person at all. I came here to vent because I know she won't see it and I truly was looking for some outside insight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I can guess that you are venting, but when you look back and read what you typed up do you truly recognize that as the person that you are? Or the person that you have become by having too much contact in a situation that you are miserable in? If its the situation, change it!


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## DawnD

Mavash. said:


> Took me until I was 46 years old to get this concept.
> 
> To the best of my ability I no longer judge others. This was a huge accomplishment for me.


hahaha. Hey, I am 31 and still learning daily. Especially when I see the news, I tend to have some very judgmental things fly out of my mouth. the most amazing thing my 9 year old can do ( he is autistic) is tell me "well that wasn't the nicest thing you could have said". Ouch. Dang 9 year olds checking my behavior LMAO.


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## Mavash.

A friend sent me a text just to ask how things were going and my knee jerk reaction was to start whining. Then delete...delete....delete I backed up and said something nice instead. Yes this week was rough but I said I was handling it and that I expected next week to be better. 

I really want my kids NOT to be like the old me when they grow up.


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## DawnD

Mavash. said:


> A friend sent me a text just to ask how things were going and my knee jerk reaction was to start whining. Then delete...delete....delete I backed up and said something nice instead. Yes this week was rough but I said I was handling it and that I expected next week to be better.
> 
> I really want my kids NOT to be like the old me when they grow up.


We had a toddler wander in to traffic here at our main gate, 10pm on a Saturday night. the things that flew out of my mouth shocked me, my automatic assumptions about the parents, and where the hell they were, etc, etc. Granted, we still don't know what happened and how the baby boy got there, but instead of being sad, I was MAD. And it scared me. had to evaluate and ask if that was who I wanted to be. And no, I don't want to be that crazy biznatch


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## CantePe

How she lives her life and parents (as long as it does not harm the child physically or harm their health or safety) is NONE of your business at all.

Period.


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## MonicaM

CantePe said:


> How she lives her life and parents (as long as it does not harm the child physically or harm their health or safety) is NONE of your business at all.
> 
> Period.


No kidding? That was the reason for my post. And I asked how to let it go. How do I detach? Telling me it's none of my business is not productive. Telling me how to let it go, is productive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD

MonicaM said:


> No kidding? That was the reason for my post. And I asked how to let it go. How do I detach? Telling me it's none of my business is not productive. Telling me how to let it go, is productive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Would you consider yourself a highly logical person Monica? If so, I would recommend relaxing, and even if she asks for your advice about a parenting matter, tell her you really aren't sure what would work since kids are all so different. ( That is my cop out line when I don't want to offend one of my friends who doesn't something I think is silly) hahahaha


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## MonicaM

DawnD said:


> Would you consider yourself a highly logical person Monica? If so, I would recommend relaxing, and even if she asks for your advice about a parenting matter, tell her you really aren't sure what would work since kids are all so different. ( That is my cop out line when I don't want to offend one of my friends who doesn't something I think is silly) hahahaha


I like that answer. I spent time with her and the kid the other night. I kept quiet on almost all matters. The next day, she wanted to know if something was wrong because I was so quiet. This child is so in your face that you either say nothing, or something. And she doesn't stop him. 
I chose nothing, and she noticed. 
Honestly, I think she likes it when I discipline him. Makes her job easier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD

MonicaM said:


> I like that answer. I spent time with her and the kid the other night. I kept quiet on almost all matters. The next day, she wanted to know if something was wrong because I was so quiet. This child is so in your face that you either say nothing, or something. And she doesn't stop him.
> I chose nothing, and she noticed.
> Honestly, I think she likes it when I discipline him. Makes her job easier.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have a friend who's daughter is like that. She runs up to sit on your lap. And I remove her every time and tell her I have my own kids sit on me, I am not looking for more. I tell her repeatedly, "You know Mrs.Dawn doesn't like it when people touch her" which is true. I don't like it when a lot of people touch me. She might talk, and I have no problem telling her "One sec, I am talking to an adult" but that is ALL I do. Nothing else. And I just kinda put my brain on ignore mode.


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## MonicaM

I tried to ignore this boy incessantly calling my name the other night. But he didn't stop. To the point that the other adults called my name to get my attention. I was having a conversation with someone else, so it wasn't like I was doing nothing. But because he wouldn't give up even after they told him to wait, the only way to get him to stop was if I answered him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD

MonicaM said:


> I tried to ignore this boy incessantly calling my name the other night. But he didn't stop. To the point that the other adults called my name to get my attention. I was having a conversation with someone else, so it wasn't like I was doing nothing. But because he wouldn't give up even after they told him to wait, the only way to get him to stop was if I answered him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Are you sure it would be so terrible to ask her to hang out sans children even if its just for a little while? Enough for you to get a break and maybe slowly get to where you can tolerate him a little easier?


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## MonicaM

She asked me to spend time with her on sunday while our guys golf. I told her it will depend on how much work I need to do. Much later in the conversation, I asked if she has the kid this weekend. She said no. Conversation continued about that and on to other things. I'll see her tomorrow, and will let her know that I will hang out with her on Sunday. 

My answer depended on if the kid would be around. I just can't hang with him for long periods of time. 

If she directs conversation that way this weekend, then I'll be honest with her. She knows not to ask questions of me that she doesn't want a truthful answer to. She often asks me how she's doing as a parent. She gets good points and bad points in reply. 

I know that this kids behavior won't change overnight. But she has to be more consistent in her parenting. Then he will become more tolerable. 

For now, I won't have to deal with him at least for another week. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD

MonicaM said:


> She asked me to spend time with her on sunday while our guys golf. I told her it will depend on how much work I need to do. Much later in the conversation, I asked if she has the kid this weekend. She said no. Conversation continued about that and on to other things. I'll see her tomorrow, and will let her know that I will hang out with her on Sunday.
> 
> My answer depended on if the kid would be around. I just can't hang with him for long periods of time.
> 
> If she directs conversation that way this weekend, then I'll be honest with her. She knows not to ask questions of me that she doesn't want a truthful answer to. She often asks me how she's doing as a parent. She gets good points and bad points in reply.
> 
> I know that this kids behavior won't change overnight. But she has to be more consistent in her parenting. Then he will become more tolerable.
> 
> For now, I won't have to deal with him at least for another week.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I always choose to bow out nicely, in a way that makes it look more like my tolerance is the problem. Friends with toddlers and babies? I usually tell them that I have two, and I barely made it through with my own kids. But if they want to do something with just us girls, awesome! Some get offended, but I would rather them think that I just can't handle babies and toddlers than have them think I just can't handle THEIR baby or toddler LMAO


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## MonicaM

The problem is that I've already done things with him, so bowing out now won't work with those reasons. 

I'll have to back away and hope things get better with time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD

MonicaM said:


> The problem is that I've already done things with him, so bowing out now won't work with those reasons.
> 
> I'll have to back away and hope things get better with time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not really. I explained to one too many people ( hahaha) after spending time with them, that I felt I couldn't handle being around small children anymore. I am getting old(er) hehehe and I really don't find small children "cute" or "adorable" when they do those silly things every kid does. The mostly understand and most can read that my nerves are frazzled and I need some non kid time. Heck, I need non kid time with my own kids LMAO.


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## MonicaM

I guess I'll have to do that too. It is obvious to ME at the end of time with him, that I am frazzled. I can't imagine others don't notice. I'm sure mom is oblivious though, since she's oblivious to how he annoys other people. 
Thanks!


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