# I'm so lost... first time poster



## Trying to Recover (Jul 21, 2013)

So for the past two years, I've accused my husband of cheating or having inappropriate emotional relationships with women we mutually knew. He always denied it, and when accused, he cut off all contact with those women. But 12 days ago, I found undeniable evidence that he is / was / has been cheating for at last two years. I just hadn't picked the right women to accuse him with. He was cheating with women I didn't know.

At the time, he was currently on a business trip. I sent him a text and asked him if he was packing his bags and moving to the city/state of his lover. He denied it. I sent him a screen shot of what I found on his computer. He confessed and said he'd cut it off immediately.

Later, I returned to the same graphic images I had previously found as indisputable evidence, and I realized they were pictures of not one woman - but two. I pointed this out to him, and he got mad at me for analyzing the photos. 

Later in the week, he confessed to suicidal intentions off and on for the past few years. 

From what I learned about infidelity, thoughts of suicide can be common as it's the only way the cheating spouse can see a way out of this hole he dug. 

When he returned home, we communicated by writing in a notebook and leaving our "letter" for the other one. It was the only way we could communicate without major meltdowns. Not to mention that we also have 2 kids and can't talk in front of them. 

I kept telling him that if he wants a chance for this marriage to work, he has to come clean. He has to give me all of him, or none of him. I won't accept a sham of a marriage. I need the truth. He needs to hear me say I know all of it and I can still love him. I need to hear it all and know that I can still love him. 

Finally, he confessed. He said there were 3 women for a total of 5 times. Mostly it was just "sexting." Two of the 3 were on business trips and were only 1 time each. The other was someone he used to date and they met for lunch a few times, with physical infidelity following the lunch date. He said that particular girl is completely over and has gotten married, had a kid, etc. And he promised to cut off all contact with the one lady he was currently sexting with. 

This hurt. But I could recover from this. WE could recover from this. We continued writing our letters. I left on a business trip and asked him to really dig deep. He kept saying the cause of his infidelity was that our bedroom action wasn't exciting or frequent enough for his needs. (We are probably average in the bedroom - a couple nights a week - sometimes more sometimes less. Typically in bed, after the kids are asleep, etc.) I kept asking him to look deeper - that the diminishing sex was not the problem, but one of the symptoms of the problem. He also has seriously neglected me emotionally... but again - not the problem, but a symptom of the deeper relationship problem. 

He did finally dig deeper, and I thought he realized there was more to this than just sex. 

When he contacted a marriage counselor, I was pleased. Until I realized it was a sex therapist he was looking for. 

We went on a date last night, and we reconnected like when we were originally dating. He looked at me lovingly. He's offered complete access to his computer and phone. We felt so close that we made love when we got home. All he could talk about was how incredible it was. All I could think about was what exactly he'd done with the other women - had he told them it was incredible too? 

Today, I discovered a conversation on his computer with another woman - one I know of from his past - talking about how he got busted, and he told me 3 women, 5 times because he didn't want to "blow me away." And no, I didn't know anything about her. And the pictures/texts I found were from "past girlfriends" (even though they were definitely very current - at least the one girl was current!)

He denies it. He says I need to let go of the past and focus on the future. But how can I do that when he's still lying to me? 

I also discovered that he has a match.com account and has been contacting women. I also discovered he looks at porn every day, and he looks at graphic pictures of us every day or multiple times a day. Maybe he does need sex therapy - it seems like he has an addiction. 

I'm devastated. I was so hopeful, and now I'm crushed. I don't know what to do. Is it time to ask him to move out, until he can give me complete honesty? I feel like maybe it is. But I don't want to let go of the hope that was forming. I thought we'd come through this and be stronger than ever. 

I am still very strongly opinionated that I want all or none. I don't want a fake marriage. I want to know it all and mourn the loss of what we had, and then let it go and look to the future together. And it can happen in baby steps - I know it will take time. But he has to be willing. 

I never thought this would happen to me. I know that's naïve... but we were so good together. Or at least I thought we were. 

Please - has anyone been in a situation somewhat similar to me? Does knowing everything help you to heal? Is it possible to recover? Is it possible to trust again? Is it possible to be intimate without picturing what else he's done?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

He's clearly an addict. A very deep addiction. The lies, denial, manipulating... 

And his addiction will be there for life.

So the question is, what is he doing about it? He needs serious help and long term weekly meeting for addicts.

Can there ever be trust?

I say, 'no'.

Why?

Because he's an addict. And like any addict, his addictions are always working in him. 

So you have to decide if you want to live with an addicted serial betrayer.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

He's a serial cheater. If you are okay with that then carry on. Else, you do not have much of a choice.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He sounds like a serial cheater and sex addict.

He's also still lying to you , yet confiding in these women that he's lying to you.

I suggest that if you do want stay in the marriage that a couple of things need to happen

1. Polygraph for him - use it to get him to come clean, in particular in the parking lot before you go in to the test us when he will be at his most honest

2. Sex addiction therapist for him

3. Deploy a voice activated recorder in his car.

4. Key logger on the PC, though it sounds like you already have this

5. Find the other women and expose them to their SO


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Being a man I am lousy at the emotional side of this mess, but there are lots of ladies here who are willing, and kind...

Do you really want to stay with someone who acts like such a jerk?

I don't think he is a sex addict....He is just an a*****e who is selfish enough to p!ss away a marriage for serial ONS.....

He has serious character flaws, severe issues with honesty, and no borders when it comes to other women....

There are hundreds of stories on TAM, and tons of betrayed spouses with their stories of infidelity. You should read till you are able to make an informed decision.....

You probably already know the odds are not in your favor....

First, take care of yourself, eat, keep hydrated, rest, get some exercise....An anti anxiety drug would not be out of line

You have already had 2 "D" days....A common occurrence in R...

Ask him if he knows what 3 strikes means...

The steps to R are well documented in this forum...Here is a condensed version........

Get your finances in order....

Get a "draconian" post nup...

Get him in IC...MC for both later...

Expose his infidelity to your parents and extended family, and his..

Make him go totally transparent....

Written no contact letters to all AP's....

Have him take a poly graph, and have it understood that anything not disclosed, or further lies are deal breakers...

Some think you should file for divorce, (you don't have to pull the pin right now)...

I guess the divorce filing is primarily to keep him on his toes, but also to get you out quicker if you decide in the middle that R is too tough, or he screws up...

Sit down and write out what you would require of him in R, and make it your new "contract"...Let him know up front what is expected of him...."again"....His signature in blood optional..

Learn the snooping techniques taught here on TAM, and be prepared to use them...

You are essentially requiring him to put his manhood(?) on a chopping block, and hand you a dull rusty hatchet....

Let him know what you require, and if he balks or tries to get a "deal" dump his sorry backside....

You are now in the drivers seat, so don't spare the whip...

I hope I don't sound too grim, but you are undertaking a long rough road. Some have made the journey and found the destination to be a good place....

I truly wish the same for you


the woodchuck


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Yeah, play dumb for a little while but snoop like a crazy woman on his back.

I believe if you do a good work you will get an ugly truth as he sound a serial cheater. I believe he was even downplaying things to this latest OW (in which he told her she downplayed things to you). This is not more than the tip of the iceberg.

I'm sorry friend. Yougut has been screaming or at least two years, it's likely he started earlier.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Does it seem to be just about sex? 

Any "I love you's," or just sex talk with these other women, from what you can see?

He looks at porn every single day?

He looks at graphic pictures of YOU and HIM every day, multiple times?

When you suggested marriage counseling, he seemed happy, then contacted a sex therapist? He thinks he got you to believe it's a problem with your and his sex life?

He's on match? Is that how he meets them? Does he look for a no strings situation with the women?

He seems like he's so deep into an alternate cheating lifestyle, it kind of reminds of those guys you hear about from time to time that have another wife and a whole other family, another house, a whole other life.

What do you make of his telling you about suicidal ideas? Just playing it for sympathy, or for real?

It really does seem like a sick compulsion to keep so many women going at once. It must be very stressful to communicate with them all, meet up with them, and keep all of the lies straight. It does sound more like an addiction problem than a cheating problem. I guess it's both.

I think you should go to the sex therapist and bring up what's going on. I wouldn't worry about giving away your sources, I would just force him to face his problems head on. Kick him out if you can, go dark on him except for the kids and finances, tell him you'll consider reconciliation when he tells you the truth and stops lying and cheating, and starts the counseling.

Even if you split up, he still has to be the father to your children, and you don't want them around his type of lifestyle as it is now, so you should try to force him to get a diagnosis of what his problem is (addiction vs garden variety cheater).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Serial cheater, addict, liar.

He needs fixing. But it will only 'take' if he admits he has serious multiple problems.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Don't bother - I don't think he will change. Save your time jumping through hoops and focus on divorce and a life without him.

I know you have kids but he is pretty far checked-out.

Make sure he helps provide for the kids and send this liar packing.

Oh, and yes, my husband did the same (serial cheater for YEARS). Don't miss that sh*t at all. I am in the process of divorce that should be in about six months.

It's not your fault, your husband has problems.

GET TESTED FOR STD's!!!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

One post, days ago, HUGE issues, not to return?

Missing out on good advice here.


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