# Separated, not legally, but WHAT DO I DO



## solostinthis (Jun 25, 2015)

Hello everyone, first time poster here, found the site via Google.

I have been with my wife (before getting married) for about 8 years and married for just over a year...

Things were fine, we were working opposite shifts, I was finishing up a course in college which is the only reason why I stayed on the shift I was on to begin with. Then, when finished, I moved to another shift so that I could spend more time with her.

Then 2 weeks after I changed shifts, she basically said she wasn't happy and wanted 'space' to figure out what she wants. At first, I was furious since I pay for EVERYTHING, rent, groceries, the car (her's is paid off, I bought a larger vehicle to plan for the future for when we have kids, etc), among many other things such as dining out at restaurants and everything.

So why did she want 'space'? Because apparently I am always 'angry' (I know I'm not angry all the time, I get frustrated because I am trying to improve our future and not blow all my money, etc). She also said it is because I care too much about money. Well, I will fully admit I am pretty much money driven and I know I am. If I want something that costs $ and is reasonable, I'll think about it and if I want it, I'll save for it.

I had hobbies, I had a lot of reptiles, bred them, sold them, saved the money, she didn't like them after we got married so I sold everything for $3000, then some of it to her to help her out, pretty nice thing to do eh?


Anyways, after she said that, I took a few days off of work due to the fact that I was stressed out to no end, and I moved to my dads (about 30-40 minutes away driving) to get out of that area that I lived in since I can remember to try and move on with my life. Has it been easy? No, not at all, my father is an alcoholic and since moving 3-4 weeks ago, I have only seen him without a drink in his hand less times than I can count on 1 hand...



The good thing out of this, we're not mad at each other, she hardly texts me and rarely will I text her since what she wants is space I don't want to invade that. I saw her last weekend for about an hour and we just talked. I did ask if she had any clue what she wanted yet and she didn't. What I do know is that she does NOT want to go to marriage councelling because she thinks everything will go back to normal like how it is now (with me being the way I am).


On the plus side, she said it's not just me, she knows she has her issues as well...


So, you know what else I'm very thankful for? We don't have kids, and we don't own our own house, so thankfully if we do separate it will be pretty easy. She said since she caused all this and she saw how upset I was, she isn't looking to take half of the money I saved towards a house or give me half her debt or anything like that (I don't think that's how it works anyways).


_So here is where I start racking my brain and thinking... Why? What did I do to deserve the whole "I don't want marriage councelling, etc"? The last day before I moved, I got off work, told her to come outside for a smoke, I made her look me straight in the eyes and asked her 3 questions (her replies in brackets):

1. Do you still love me? (Yes)

2. Do you still want to be with me? (I think so)

3. Is there anyone else and if so, we can work past it (NO)_


That third question, I watched her reaction closely, she didn't blink, didn't look away, didn't swallow or flinch or anything else. But something isn't sitting right with me, part of me thinks she feels guilty about something and doesn't want to own up to it.

*So now, I explained to my wife that we should fill out paperwork with what I am taking, what she is taking, what she is not taking and what I am not taking and file it. She said that's fine and we will... what she doesn't know... yet, is that this will be a legal separation agreement so later on she can't come back and try and get money out of me, it kind of proves her point, but I basically saved a LOT of $ before we got married (and little since it was going elsewhere after marriage) and I want to protect that as best I can. We have so far agreed with no arguments about what I can take and what she can take, for all I care, all I want is to know that my finances are safe and so far they are.*



So here I am, at work, I go on break the other day and had a message from a friend (she heard about all of this from my buddy who bumped into her) asking if everything was alright. I said I'm good but would rather explain what's going on in person not over text or whatever. I asked her if I could meet up with her sometime for a drink or something and maybe become friends again (It's a long story as to why I basically told her to f--- off and never talk to me again). She said definitely. 

Unfortunately for me, this friend, I used to be infatuated with, and when I say that, I mean I would do anything for this person. I am afraid that once I start talking to her again that this will happen again. That's not what I'm actually afraid of, what I am afraid of is that I would feel guilty. I am married (legally) and truly do love my wife. But she isn't there for me anymore. Would it be wrong to find someone else wether it be an emotional or physical relationship?

Out of all of this, after being kind of single for almost a month, I have been doing absolutely nothing but going to work, coming home and going to bed, a friend or 2 may come by on the weekend and I live in a VERY nice area, so we'll walk to the bars close to where I am and have a beer at each bar (about 15 in total) then I'll walk my drunk ass home  (only done this twice so far). But the wierd thing is is I feel somewhat relieved, I am not happy, but somewhat relived if that makes sense.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

File legally. It doesn't mean you can't undo it, but it might shock her into action.

It's not your job to worry about what she doesn't know re finances/later etc. She's a big girl, it's her job to seek legal advice herself.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you need to do some secret investigation re: question #3. She sounds like she is cheating. When she had all kinds of free time while you were working, she easily could be in an affair. Now that you are around her more, it is harder for her to maintain it. She wants separation to be with the OM, at least in high probability.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Youve only been married a year, and she now wants space? Yes, I understand you were together long before that, but, still. File for divorce, investigate if you must. She is far too flaky to be married. GF maybe, but not married.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

solostinthis said:


> 1. Do you still love me? (Yes)
> 
> 2. Do you still want to be with me? (I think so)
> 
> 3. Is there anyone else and if so, we can work past it (NO)


FWIW, exact same conversation with my XW before we divorced. Except instead of "I think so", I got "I don't know".

Turned out her answer to #3 was a bald faced lie. 

File the legal separation papers, pronto. Right now she's agreeable. She likely will not always be so. 

Be very careful about your female friend. If word gets back to your wife, her agreeable attitude will do a quick 180.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Yes, get the legal separation. Whether she comes back or not, detach from her.	If you want to give her a second chance, let her show you that she can grow up, mature,. Don't take her back right away either, it takes time to create those neuro pathways and time to strengthen them. She has to stay motivated long enough to let the change take root. If she feels safe early, she will quit and those changes will go extinct.

In the mean time, protect yourself, both mentally and perhaps financially. She chose not to be your partner, and you have to flip the switch in your head with constant reminders that what you would do for a partner no longer pertains to her. Separated from you means all the good and bad that comes along with it. Do not let her benefit from getting anything from you if she does not accept the rest as well, and what you need for yourself.


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## solostinthis (Jun 25, 2015)

frusdil said:


> File legally. It doesn't mean you can't undo it, but it might shock her into action.
> 
> It's not your job to worry about what she doesn't know re finances/later etc. She's a big girl, it's her job to seek legal advice herself.


She can't afford ANYTHING, especially a lawyer.

What I am going to do is go to a lawyer, I'll pay, I got money saved... I am going to get real separation papers, I have absolutely NO clue how any of this works to be honest, I am hoping I can just get paperwork from a lawyer where we can say what we're splitting, not splitting, etc then sign it and then file it with a lawyer and hope thats it, people at work told me (who've been through this more than once) thats basically all you have to since we're not arguing about anything, etc and it'll probably cost me around $800 all in to file for it.

As for your points about there probably is someone else, see, I was right it does seem like that. I don't want to accuse her and personally, I'd rather not know the truth as it would upset me a lot more than me just being separated from her. But it seems like the truth is in the details.


My brother in law on the other hand, we're still friends and we'll still hang out, I told him don't bring up my wife/his sister as I don't want to hear anything unless I ask. I asked him how she was and he never sees her, she's always with her so called 'friends', basically none of this even happened until she started hanging out with these new friends of hers.


The keyword that struck me as to me thinking something was going on was 'I caused all this, so I don't want to take half your $ or anything because it wouldn't be fair'. Thats what struck me in a wierd way as it makes me thinks she feels guilty about SOMETHING but doesn't want to fess up.


As for the other friend, I know I have to be careful. But seriously, what am I supposed to do, sit here and wait for an answer from my wife wether she wants to be with me or not? That's totally unfair to me. Would I feel bad if I technically stepped outside of a marriage like that? Of course I would feel horrible, so I think I'll just wait until the separation is done. Now, I can talk to that friend no problem, thats my own right and I can do what I want, I won't go past that until a separation is finalized.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

As a woman, I am going to say that your wife is displaying a lot of red flags for cheating. You mention that she wanted the separation after she began hanging out with new friends. All of a sudden you are too angry & you worry about money too much with the added bonus of not wanting marriage counseling. 

I agree with the others, start the process for legal separation ASAP. Don't ask your wife anymore about whether she still wants to be with you, don't ask her brother about her either. As far as your old friend, I would hold off hanging out with her for now - you are vulnerable at the moment & it will be very easy for you to get caught up in something with her.

Sorry you are going through this...good luck!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I said it before, and I'll say it again: "I want space" is womanese for "I've met someone..."


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## crozhuyou (Jun 26, 2015)

It doesn't mean you can't undo it, but it might shock her into action.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Definitely check in with a lawyer. Don't know where it is that you live, but in some places, filing as legally separated is a waste of time; what you may want instead is a settlement agreement or some division of assets, that sort of thing, which you can get her to sign now, and then you include that if you file for divorce. (Where I live, you only file as legally separated if you are no longer living with your partner and need to divide assets, but never intend to actually divorce, for whatever reason; it's seen as more of an alternative to divorce.) If all you need is a settlement agreement, and depending how many assets there are, you might even be able to do it through rocketlawyer.com. Since you've only been married a year, most of your property is probably pre-marital; while you should document it in the settlement agreement, there might not be much for you and her to actually dispute over.

Look into doing the 180 at this point--I can't believe no one's mentioned it yet! This is for you, not necessarily as a way to bring her back--though she might come back to you as a result.

RE: the other female friend? DANGER DANGER! If you have any interest in saving your marriage, STAY THE FVCK AWAY FROM HER. You have some sort of history with this woman, and you WILL get sucked back in. You're really vulnerable right now, and some females see that and take advantage. If anything happens with her, and your wife finds out, that pretty much will destroy pretty much any chance you have of reconciliation with your wife. That, and I've seen a lot of men--some of them here on TAM!--who got involved with someone as soon as they separated, and married her, only to discover that it was a bad choice, and they were just repeating the same mistakes as before, or attaching to the wrong person because they were lonely, or whatever. Don't let that be you.

I KNOW that you only mentioned being friends, and not dating... but these things tend to happen. You've been rejected by your partner, and the female attention will feel really good, etc, etc. But talking as friends... you'll start talking about the problems in the marriage, etc, and you'll start to form a stronger bond with her emotionally. And you mentioned how you will do anything for this woman, how you can never say "no" to her--I think you would fall into her bed pretty easily. 

What do you want? Do you want to end your marriage? Are you convinced that it's over? Or do you want to give the marriage a chance to right itself? If you're convinced it's over, move forward with whatever paperwork you need to to file. 

But if you want to try to save the marriage, and have an actual chance at reconciliation? THEN SLOW DOWN. You're not really single, then. You and your wife have taken a step back, but you're NOT single. So don't start acting like it. This is not an opportunity for you to try to sleep with as many women as you can before your wife comes to her senses. Instead, take this time to do 2 things: 1) start the 180, and 2) start getting seriously introspective, and look at yourself critically. You might want to see a counselor. Are you really the best partner that you could be? Chances are, it's not just her... you've most likely contributed to the deterioration here as well. No one is completely blameless when a relationship falls apart.

How long has your dad been an alcoholic? This may inform your behavior in relationships more than you know. Many children of alcoholics have dysfunctional relationship behaviors, all the while thinking they are _just fine_. (I know, I was married to one.)

And be careful about jumping to conclusions. A lot of posters here are jumping to the conclusion that she's having an affair, which is completely possible. But it's also entirely possible that she ISN'T. She could just be unhappy, and is trying to figure out why. And how to change it. Whether you're part of the problem, or part of the solution. You have no proof that she's having an affair. If you hadn't moved out, there are ways you could have gathered information to discern whether or not this is the case. But no one has snitched on her either. So you don't know.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you have access to her cell phone bill?


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## solostinthis (Jun 25, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> Definitely check in with a lawyer. Don't know where it is that you live, but in some places, filing as legally separated is a waste of time; what you may want instead is a settlement agreement or some division of assets, that sort of thing, which you can get her to sign now, and then you include that if you file for divorce. (Where I live, you only file as legally separated if you are no longer living with your partner and need to divide assets, but never intend to actually divorce, for whatever reason; it's seen as more of an alternative to divorce.) If all you need is a settlement agreement, and depending how many assets there are, you might even be able to do it through rocketlawyer.com. Since you've only been married a year, most of your property is probably pre-marital; while you should document it in the settlement agreement, there might not be much for you and her to actually dispute over.
> 
> Look into doing the 180 at this point--I can't believe no one's mentioned it yet! This is for you, not necessarily as a way to bring her back--though she might come back to you as a result.
> 
> ...


As far as that friend goes, I haven't talked to her at all since she messaged me the one day, and I probably won't talk to her at all for my own reasons... she knows why... I'll wait for her to msg me and see what I want to do, the way I see it, friends will contact me when they want to hang out or do something or whatever. All of my closest friends including the ones that don't live near me have been calling asking how I am doing and all that.


As far as it's not just her, I know that, it's the both of us that caused the deterioration in the marriage, and I wish I could fix it.


As for my father, he's been an alcoholic as long as I can remember. I've been living with him for just over a month and I barely see him without a drink and he came home tonight about an hour after I got home all pissy for whatever reason, probably drunk... Do I think it has an affect on my marriage / personal life? No, I hardly drink ever for the reason that I don't want to be like him (don't get me wrong, I'll drink myself stupid on occasion with friends or whatever) at all in any way. He's a good father, but drugs and alcohol have screwed him up, he doesn't see the reality around him. He doesn't work (maybe the odd job), I work full time, finished school, etc. Like I said, I rarely drink and I don't use drugs at all.


As for people jumping to conclusions, my closest friends said to me that they highly doubt that she met someone else. If that DID happen, I would try to work past it and continue the marriage, I always said I would walk away instantly but after as long as it has been I couldn't do that and mistakes happen (I would never do this myself as I can't bring myself to do anything like that). I truly don't think she is having an affair.


As for separation papers, I am going to figure out how in the hell we're going to do that, it doesn't mean that we can't get back together in the future, but it does protect the both of us legally.


*It's just so damn hard to figure out WHY this is happening, I'm over the initial shock, sadness, anger, etc but now I just feel empty and lonely and all I want is to see and hold my wife and tell her I love her  She knows I still love her and she says she loves me as well but it doesn't feel like it anymore. I just can't figure how she hasn't asked me to come home yet , I could understand if I had an affair, did a bunch of stupid things, etc, but all I did was work, sleep and provide for her when she needed it most.*


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## solostinthis (Jun 25, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> Do you have access to her cell phone bill?


No and I'm not one of those creepy snoop types of husbands either. I trust my wife, something that a marriage should have 100% of.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

solostinthis said:


> No and I'm not one of those creepy snoop types of husbands either. I trust my wife, something that a marriage should have 100% of.


In this particular case, I don't think you should consider yourself to be a "creepy snoop type." Your wife is giving you cause for concern. It's more about you verifying your suspicions, or finding out they are groundless.

I completely agree a marriage should be about 100% trust. But your wife is throwing up some warning flares. You owe it to your peace of mind to verify.


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## LisaKane (Jun 26, 2015)

I think you are too angry to get it but you are angry. You agreed to pay for everything so the fault is yours. If you wanted an equal relationship you would have decided a different course of action. I think maybe you are getting these creep signs because she is feeling your angst. Everything else follows. Where she did anything wrong, I can't see. I'm perplexed by everyone propping you up. You have anger issues..it oozes in your posts. Please get help. Good luck.


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## solostinthis (Jun 25, 2015)

LisaKane said:


> I think you are too angry to get it but you are angry. You agreed to pay for everything so the fault is yours. If you wanted an equal relationship you would have decided a different course of action. I think maybe you are getting these creep signs because she is feeling your angst. Everything else follows. Where she did anything wrong, I can't see. I'm perplexed by everyone propping you up. You have anger issues..it oozes in your posts. Please get help. Good luck.


I don't have anger issues, I have frustration, I've tried making a budget for her and I and wanted her to look at it and asked her if she wanted to make changes. She never would stick to it and I did, it's how I saved quite a bit of $ over the course of several years before getting married. Other than that I don't feel I have anger issues, annoyances and frustration? Of course, we all get frustrated and annoyed with little things are partners do from time to time but that doesn't mean I have anger issues.


As for getting help, my doctor has referred me to 2 people and I will go, for ME. I do need someone to talk to about everything and vent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do not rely on her saying right now that she will not take half of everything. A lot of people change their tune once the separation and/or divorce get real.
Generally assets and debts are split 50/50 on separation/divorce. However, that is all assets and debts accumulated from the date of marriage. And debts from that date also.
So old debts belong to whoever made them. New debts are split. But if you keep the new vehicle, you get the debt for it.

All money that you saved up before marriage is your separate property. Have you mingled it with marital money? Like have the same bank/savings account before and after marriage and put new money (marriage money) in it? If she it can be argued that you converted separate property into marital property by co-mingling it. Get the bank or investment statements from the month that you married. You can argue that all funds in there the day before you married are your separate asset. If you have comingled, open a new account and move whatever you have saved since marriage to the new account. Now let your separate money accrue interest as separate assets.

Check with your state. They should have a court legal shelf help site that provides the forms and instructions for separation and divorce. You can also find books on Amazon and probably your library that talk about how to do a DIY divorce/separation. They are probably in the libraries too. Get educated.

Do not see your friend and/or date her until you have filed for divorce. You are still a married man. In some states, if you were to date her, it’s adultery and it can be used against you in the divorce/separation… .like the judge can give your wife your money to punish you.

Find out your state laws and file. Do not let your wife jerk you around like thins.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

solostinthis said:


> It's just so damn hard to figure out WHY this is happening


The only thing I can add is that the big red flag I see is that you spent X years working separate shifts, you are a ****** about money, and then you switched shifts and now spend a lot of time together. And now that you're together a lot, she sees IN PERSON just how annoying of a ****** you are about money.

The first 5 or 6 years of our marriage, my H worked retail so I got to have weekends to myself. We worked out fine. I dealt with his obsessiveness about spending time with me for 5 days a week and for 2 days, I got to be myself. Then he got a non-retail job and suddenly my world collapsed. Suddenly, he expected me to spend EVERY SPARE MOMENT with him, including weekends. If I had to go to the grocery store, he'd ask why couldn't I do that on my lunch breaks instead of doing it after 5, when he and I could have been together. And so on.

Suddenly, our great relationship SUCKED. And, had I had enough sense to speak up for myself instead of trying to satisfy him (and lose myself in the process), I, too, would have said I was being suffocated, just like your wife. I, too, needed space.

So I'll ask you to really ask yourself WHAT CHANGED when you went to the same shifts as her. How did HER life change?

And second, in what ways are you changing her life in terms of your seemingly 'strong' (should I say overbearing) need to control the finances? About a year ago, after 30+ years of marriage, I told my H that the reason I started paying for dinners when we went out was so that I could order a glass of wine without having to listen to him gripe (read: criticize me) about the cost of a glass of wine. If I was paying for it, I could decide what I wanted to spend money on.

Ask yourself if this is now going on, now that the two of you are spending ever more time together. How is SHE feeling about having to deal with YOUR preferences?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

solostinthis said:


> I don't have anger issues, I have frustration, I've tried making a budget for her and I and wanted her to look at it and asked her if she wanted to make changes. She never would stick to it and I did, it's how I saved quite a bit of $ over the course of several years before getting married.


I had to listen to the same crap from my H. He was older, he was more worldly, HE should manage the money...30 years later I discovered he had $80,000 in credit card debt. For 30 years, I listened to him telling me how I should listen to him. 

Anyway, listen to yourself. You are treating her like a child. How would YOU like it if SHE told you you just don't know anything about ABC and she wanted you to do it her way and she'd keep sticking it under your nose and ask you if you're going to change yet?

I'm not saying you're bad at finances. I'm sure you're great. But the way you're treating her is - for her - humiliating, frustrating, and honestly, probably not worth sticking around.

I'm sure YOU feel really proud of your monetary skills. Doesn't make HER way wrong. Now, if she was $80,000 in debt like my husband, THEN you could tell her she was wrong.

But stop educating her. It is a MAJOR Love Buster. And THAT, IMO, is what you're dealing with and why you're out of the house.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

solostinthis said:


> As far as that friend goes, I haven't talked to her at all since she messaged me the one day, and I probably won't talk to her at all for my own reasons... she knows why... I'll wait for her to msg me and see what I want to do, the way I see it, friends will contact me when they want to hang out or do something or whatever. All of my closest friends including the ones that don't live near me have been calling asking how I am doing and all that.
> 
> As far as it's not just her, I know that, it's the both of us that caused the deterioration in the marriage, and I wish I could fix it.


Good for you. It will be good for you to be social, and it won't hurt you to make some new friends, too. Just stay away from that chick 

You might not be able to fix it. It usually take two people to break a marriage, although it can be broken by just one. But fixing it requires full participation by both parties, and it doesn't sound like she's interested in participating right now. So just focus on fixing YOU. Check out the 180 and start incorporating that stuff now. That's for YOU and to help you get through all of this.



solostinthis said:


> As for my father, he's been an alcoholic as long as I can remember. I've been living with him for just over a month and I barely see him without a drink and he came home tonight about an hour after I got home all pissy for whatever reason, probably drunk... Do I think it has an affect on my marriage / personal life? No, I hardly drink ever for the reason that I don't want to be like him (don't get me wrong, I'll drink myself stupid on occasion with friends or whatever) at all in any way. He's a good father, but drugs and alcohol have screwed him up, he doesn't see the reality around him. He doesn't work (maybe the odd job), I work full time, finished school, etc. Like I said, I rarely drink and I don't use drugs at all.


Solo, I wasn't implying that I think you're an alcoholic or anything like that... but children of alcoholics sometimes learn unhealthy [relationship] behavioral patterns from their parents, and then unknowingly repeat those patterns in their own relationships. Or they can develop extreme opposite patterns in reaction to observing their parents. A few examples:

My XH, his father was an abusive alcoholic, and his mother was an enabler. She left several times, but always came back. She was very passive aggressive and manipulative; I'm not sure if she started out like that, or developed that over time in response to her husband's rages and drunken episodes. While my XH recognized that they had an unhealthy relationship, he is just like his mother with the passive-aggressiveness and manipulation. But he thinks he is totally fine, and doesn't recognize or own that he does this, or that is played a major role in our marriage falling apart. And by the time we separated, he was a functioning alcoholic, even though he vehemently denies it.

A good friend of mine, since elementary school, grew up with an alcoholic mother. Life in her household was very turbulent and erratic. As an adult, she borders on obsessive-compulsiveness with her life and her schedule. It serves her very well in her professional life, but she recognizes that it is an issue for her in personal relationships. She has confided in me that she never wants to get married or have children, because sharing her life and space with another person introduces too much instability into her carefully controlled world. She understands what she is giving up by that, but for her, having that stability and control is much more important. 

Meanwhile, her older sister has tried to create the perfect home life, with her own family, that the two of them never had growing up. But she had obvious anger management issues, and has rages similar to what their mother had. My friend also reports that the sister is drinking a fair bit, and fears she may be following the same path as their mother, who drank herself to death about 10 years ago.

All three, like you, went to college and work full-time jobs. They are functioning members of society, but they've all developed various dysfunctional behaviors in large part because of their upbringing. My XH and my friend's sister both think that they are _completely fine_, and that the real problem is everyone around them. MY friend--who, coincidentally, is the only one of the three to ever see a counselor/therapist--is the only one who recognizes that her behavior isn't totally healthy, and the only one who is working through her issues.

And maybe you are completely fine, and don't have any issues to work through. If that's the case, then talking to a counselor won't hurt any. But maybe you do have some things that you think are completely normal, but aren't really. It sounds like you might be really controlling with money. This might be something. I'm not a therapist, I don't know, I've just read a few of your posts. So, if you talk to a counselor, and you find something together, and you actively work on it, it can only make your life BETTER.

And a counselor is probably a good idea anyway, considering that you have this whole separation thing going on at the moment... and there's nothing wrong with having an impartial person--who's trained in this stuff--to talk to. 



solostinthis said:


> As for people jumping to conclusions, my closest friends said to me that they highly doubt that she met someone else. If that DID happen, I would try to work past it and continue the marriage, I always said I would walk away instantly but after as long as it has been I couldn't do that and mistakes happen (I would never do this myself as I can't bring myself to do anything like that). I truly don't think she is having an affair.


When I was talking about jumping to conclusions, I was talking more about TAMers on the board. There are a lot of Betrayed Spouses (BS) on TAM, so they are quick to notice red and yellow flags. 

Your friends' input may be good, if they are mutual friends, or have friends in common. But they may also be trying to protect your feelings. Friends' input can be good, but trust your gut.



solostinthis said:


> As for separation papers, I am going to figure out how in the hell we're going to do that, it doesn't mean that we can't get back together in the future, but it does protect the both of us legally.


You'll get some good feedback and opinions here, if you just ask for it.



solostinthis said:


> *It's just so damn hard to figure out WHY this is happening, I'm over the initial shock, sadness, anger, etc but now I just feel empty and lonely and all I want is to see and hold my wife and tell her I love her  She knows I still love her and she says she loves me as well but it doesn't feel like it anymore. I just can't figure how she hasn't asked me to come home yet , I could understand if I had an affair, did a bunch of stupid things, etc, but all I did was work, sleep and provide for her when she needed it most.*


And sometimes you never find out why... we always want to know why something is happening, why they left, why they did this or that. Because we want "closure." But many times, we never find out why... so you may need to learn to let go of that, because you may well never find out.


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