# I think he let me go and I'm just sad and lost



## dipity (Oct 7, 2016)

I met this man who was at a work event and he came over to me and told me that he never usually went up to anyone but there was just something about me he was compelled to talk to. He was cute but not my usual type and seemed confident and nervous at the same time. I liked him but I had ended a relationship about 4 weeks before and wasn't in the mood to jump into anything else, but we had a great conversation and swapped numbers. He called me the next day and despite myself I really liked him. 

We ended up talking for hours that day, and it seemed like 5 minutes and he was just so easy to speak to and so self-depreciating and funny and open and after that we started talking a lot. Texting a lot and I felt really warm towards him because he was just not like other men. He didn’t make me feel like he wanted to get me into bed, he just seemed to want to know me.

He was pretty infatuated, and told all his friends about me, a few of them spoke to me and told me that since his divorce I was the first woman he had ever mentioned or shown real interest in. He was asking me to meet his family, inviting me to work events and he was emotionally open and just a breath of fresh air. I felt pretty clearly that he really saw who I was as a person and he was interested in me long term. But he did also say a lot of times that he thought I was out of his league so he showed flashes of insecurity. 

Our conversations turned romantic and we started to talk a lot about our lives and families and children and how we felt about things and life in general and it was pretty clear to me that we really liked each other and had a really unusual bond so I wanted to date him and see where the relationship went. 

Then just as we were about to begin actually dating, his Mother died really unexpectedly and it kind of flew everything into freefall. At first it brought us closer together, with him sharing everything he was feeling about it with me and appearing vulnerable for the first time, but then it felt like he was distancing from me emotionally. He also seemed to be rehashing and blaming himself for every mistake he ever made in his life and was just not in a good place.

I was really patient and supportive but eventually asked him about it and he said he was feeling a bit lost, pretty vulnerable, pretty alone in the world (no other family really except ex wife and children) and that his only way to cope was to try and isolate himself emotionally from anyone he felt could or would leave him. He said that he was pretty good at having a tough shell around most people, but that with me he felt really vulnerable and he was worried about all sorts of things. Like not being good enough for me, failing me because he felt he’d failed his first family, loving me as much as he thought he was going to, and then me leaving him and he said in a lot of ways it was easier to run away from me than to risk it.

I understood all that and was patient for about 4 or 5 months with just being a friend and talking when he wanted and leaving him alone when he wanted, but it was difficult to maintain that because it was much more than just friends – which is a very ambiguous and painful place to be for months on end.

Somewhere along the months we had become so close, I’d fallen in love with him. He is just such a special person, and he understood me so easily and accepted all my flaws and worst bits. In fact he said they were the best things about me and I actually felt the same way about him. We were in close contact all the time and shared everything on a daily basis.

But he was acting out in grief. Doing dramatic things like changing job, selling his house and moving to a new town, talking about doing a new college degree or moving overseas. Kind of like he was trying to absorb himself in work / things to do rather than engaging me /real life in a meaningful way and he wouldn’t go and get grief counselling.

He knew he was leaving me in limbo, and we talked about it. He just said he felt lost, felt like he was a stranger to himself, didn’t have faith any more than he was good enough to be loved by me, couldn’t be the man I needed and deserved and I was as gentle and supportive as I could be, but there was no end in sight. He kept saying I was the thing he wanted and probably needed the most but that he was running away from it.

It was a tough situation because he wanted to talk nearly every day, share all our thoughts and feelings, not date anyone else but not actually date each other either. Sometimes he’d drift away for a few days and then come back. It always felt clear he liked me as much as he always did, actually much more, but he just would not engage the relationship properly.

I felt like he had built me into a fantasy relationship where I was there and his, but not quite real or close enough to hurt him or for something to go wrong and it felt really unhealthy for both of us. 

So I explained to him how hard it was on me to have him always “almost” with me, and that I felt he no longer wanted a relationship at all, and that he should take some time and space to go and figure himself out, but that I could not be his “telephone” girlfriend anymore because life didn’t work that way.

He said he accepted what I was saying, pretty reluctantly, then he sent me an email. In it he said that he didn’t want it to be goodbye forever, refused really to accept that it was goodbye forever because he didn’t think it was the end of our story and he said he really liked me, that i was the best person he knew, the person that never left his mind and that he thought it was just a temporary goodbye. But then he did also make it sound like it was a permanent goodbye. Telling me that if I met someone else to make sure he deserved me, that i had to remember how much i deserved in life and how I would always be an angel for him.

It felt like he was letting me go.

I just don’t know how to feel about this. I can’t help feeling like if he’d cared more he would not have let me go. And the whole thing just seems so sad and I don’t know what to think or feel about it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You let him go.

And you are now miffed that he said: "OK, then. Bye!"

I think you are not sure what you want at this stage?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He does not seem emotionally stable or available right now. 

Best to move on with your life, and let him figure himself out, imo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> He does not seem emotionally stable or available right now.
> 
> Best to move on with your life, and let him figure himself out, imo.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His mother just died. 

Not emotionally stable right now or doing cartwheels of joy?

What's more likely, do we think?


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## dipity (Oct 7, 2016)

That's a bit unfair.

Six months we were talking and he did not want to even have a date.

I didn't let him go out of choice, I let him go because the alternative was to continue like that, and no matter how much you care about someone and love them, if they will not /do not want a relationship with you then you have no options other than to accept breadcrumbs or walk away and let them make their own choices.

It's pretty hard to live like that. No one to hug, no one to take as your date to stuff, and the person you want that from is pushing you away and talking about taking work posts overseas.

I had no choice, it was unhealthy.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Look into attachment styles, he seems to me to be what they call fearful avoidant. I think it might help you understand his behavior and it's probably because of his mother.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## dipity (Oct 7, 2016)

When we met he was extremely emotionally available. After she died, he was the opposite way.

I'm not sure if you have ever loved someone emotionally unavailable, but it's pretty painful. Every time you take that step closer and things look like they are going to work out, that person deliberately pulls back and creates a safe distance. Lather, rinse and repeat that for six months and it's a lot of pain. 

Your objective is to get closer and progress things and for them it's the opposite and when it's like that what can you really do? He knew it, he admitted it, he said it was what he wanted most but also what he was most scared of. So it's easier to be alone.

I know he is grieving. My friend lost her Dad 3 months before he lost his Mom and she just called me now, hysterically crying"I miss him" and I get how painful and life changing it is, but she still has a boyfriend, a relationship so it's not impossible.

He chose to let me go. All he had to do was take a step forward. Have a first kiss. He just chose not to.

That feels really sad for me, it just is.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> His mother just died.
> 
> Not emotionally stable right now or doing cartwheels of joy?
> 
> What's more likely, do we think?


I would say emotionally unstable. Not everyone who loses a parent would react that way.

OP, he probably has issues that his mother's death has brought to the surface. Lucky for you this was brought out for you to see before getting further involved with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dipity (Oct 7, 2016)

giddiot said:


> Look into attachment styles, he seems to me to be what they call fearful avoidant. I think it might help you understand his behaviour and it's probably because of his mother.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It's funny you mentioned that because that's exactly what we talked about. His friend had raised the issue with him, talked about him pushing me away and sabotaging his own life and we'd read all about that together. He did the test and came back extremely fearful avoidant. He said it was the most accurate description he'd read on himself. That he both really desired my love and me, but at the same time felt unworthy of it and also a lack of trust that I would not leave him.

The thing was even after we worked that out, that he has felt this way down to this and quite a few losses in the last 2 years, he wouldn't get help. It was like he was just continually creating barriers to avoid me. I mean, as soon as we dealt with one thing, the next would pop up. like hitting those fairground machines where the bunnies head kept popping out and you never win.

Thing were so great with us, and he said he was ready and wanted to be with me genuinely, even introduced me to his daughter which he had said when we met he would only do for someone he felt he was going to marry but then a few days later out of nowhere he tells me he is in talks to go work overseas. 3 months there, one month here. And it's not the job that bothers me, but that i felt like he was trying to run away instead of facing stuff.

I told him, "wherever you go, there you are". And then he sent me lyrics to that song about "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you", because he had this romantic notion of heading off into this job (its really dangerous too in a war zone) and somehow this road will lead him back to me, because he says I am his home.

But I just felt like that was putting me through a lot of pain, and that he needed a therapist and to face all of this instead of running away I guess. And I didnt want to be his fantasy, his angel, his reason for being if I was not also the person he laid down next to at the end of the day.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

dipity said:


> It's funny you mentioned that because that's exactly what we talked about. His friend had raised the issue with him, talked about him pushing me away and sabotaging his own life and we'd read all about that together. He did the test and came back extremely fearful avoidant. He said it was the most accurate description he'd read on himself. That he both really desired my love and me, but at the same time felt unworthy of it and also a lack of trust that I would not leave him.
> 
> The thing was even after we worked that out, that he has felt this way down to this and quite a few losses in the last 2 years, he wouldn't get help. It was like he was just continually creating barriers to avoid me. I mean, as soon as we dealt with one thing, the next would pop up. like hitting those fairground machines where the bunnies head kept popping out and you never win.
> 
> ...


He sounds very flaky, dipity. 

I understand it hurts to lose something you thought was good. But I think in time you will be grateful he exited your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dipity (Oct 7, 2016)

Thanks JLD. He's the opposite of flaky, or he was, but he's been acting crazy in his grief.

Maybe men have a tendency of trying to externalise. Frustrating to watch someone that you care about self destruct.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You got friend zoned. 

You did the right thing because you wanted more and he isn't capable of giving you more.


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## dipity (Oct 7, 2016)

I don't think I was friendzoned because he acted very sexually interested in me in the same way anyone else would that you were dating. Stuff like, show me a pic of what you're wearing to your meeting, and getting insanely jealous if i was out with a male friend or something. 

Can someone really be "not capable" or is just their choice?

If someone likes you enough would they just not risk losing you?

Do people sometimes take time apart and then realise they were dumb and come back?

His message sounded a lot like a goodbye to me, which just hurt.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

dipity said:


> I don't think I was friendzoned because he acted very sexually interested in me in the same way anyone else would that you were dating. Stuff like, show me a pic of what you're wearing to your meeting, and getting insanely jealous if i was out with a male friend or something.
> 
> Can someone really be "not capable" or is just their choice?
> 
> ...


Did he ever follow through, sexually? Or was it all talk? 

Do you know why his marriage didn't work? It could be sexually related.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

dipity said:


> I don't think I was friendzoned because he acted very sexually interested in me in the same way anyone else would that you were dating. Stuff like, show me a pic of what you're wearing to your meeting, and getting insanely jealous if i was out with a male friend or something.
> 
> Can someone really be "not capable" or is just their choice?
> 
> ...


 @dipity, he's still a red-blooded male. 

I dated a man very similar to this guy. We were friends for a long time before we tried dating. He was very sexually attracted to me, as I was to him, but he would not ever commit 100%. He was always spending time with someone else, or talking about his projects, or saying he wanted to do X but never really put in the work. Then he'd move on to the next thing. 

So, it's entirely possible for him to have sexual feelings for you and for him to also be totally unprepared for a serious relationship. 

He's telling you exactly who he is. You did the right thing. Now absorb the lessons you learned and let him go completely. Don't settle for staying friendzoned. All that will do is make it impossible for you to have a healthy future relationship. No man I've ever known has been OK with a woman having male friends, especially not ones that want to sleep with her. 

He's a work in progress. He has to figure himself out, without help. You want a ready man. He's not it. Go and seek what you want and need. Your heart will remember him, and it will heal fine. I promise.


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## dipity (Oct 7, 2016)

giddiot said:


> Look into attachment styles, he seems to me to be what they call fearful avoidant. I think it might help you understand his behavior and it's probably because of his mother.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk





tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Did he ever follow through, sexually? Or was it all talk?
> 
> Do you know why his marriage didn't work? It could be sexually related.


No we never had sex. He was a gentleman kind of a guy and he said i wasn't someone he wanted to go to bed with, he wanted to come to my door with everything i deserved. He made it pretty clear he was extremely attracted to me but he didn't make the move.

He has had a few relationships since his divorce, but he said he felt nothing for those girls and it was just physical and when he met me he said he got that same feeling of when he met his ex wife, which was knowing he'd met a girl he wanted to wake up to.

His marriage ended because he took a job overseas.

So you can sense the irony of that because hes doing the same right now.

So weird because when we first met and talked he said he'd made the mistake of putting his career first and lost his wife / family in the process and how he'd never make the same mistake again and if it makes sense psychologically I believe he is re-enacting the crime with me, as if to prove something.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Regardless of his reasons, anyone who tells you that he doesn't want to date anyone, but he doesn't really want to date you either, is best to cut out of your life. It's usually a tactic to get you to not date anyone else, focus on him, but he also doesn't have a commitment to you. I'm not convinced he's not seeing someone else. 

It might be hard, but personally...I'd go no contact with this guy. He seems like he will keep coming in and out of your life, never wanting to commit, but disrupting your life, and not permitting you to move on. I'd block his number and move on.


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## dipity (Oct 7, 2016)

I don't think he is dating anyone else, or healthy for me to even start thinking thoughts like that. He's messed up right now, perhaps got some attachment issues, but he's not a bad person or a liar or a cheat and to even venture down that kind of road would just be a really sad place for me to go. I am sure subconsciously he did want to keep me hanging there...because he neither wanted to let go or move forward but when i explained frankly and openly that he was hurting me, he did let me go.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

dipity said:


> That's a bit unfair.
> 
> Six months we were talking and he did not want to even have a date.
> 
> ...


Fair enough.

There are ~8750 hours in a year times two [years]. That is 17520 hours. That is how long I would give this man to get his poop straight.

Who says he cannot be a dear friend forever, DFF? And nothing more.

He just left a marriage. Divorces crush the stuffing out of Keeper Teddy Bears.

Wait this out [if you really like the guy]. Continue dating in the interim..........there are a few more fish in the Lake. Don't ask me where, my fish finder lies to me. Daggnabbit!


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

He's emotionally unstable and not ready for a relationship. Any time someone tells you that you are too good for them, believe them. That's a big red flag that they have deeper issues. Yes he lost his mother and is grieving, but what he is saying goes beyond that. 

Let it go. This wasn't a real relationship. You two didn't actually date. You were both living in a fantasy world. You have no idea what his true flaws and are he doesn't know yours. Move on and find someone who is in a healthy place in their life.


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## dipity (Oct 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Fair enough.
> 
> There are ~8750 hours in a year times two [years]. That is 17520 hours. That is how long I would give this man to get his poop straight.
> 
> ...


thanks, that is a great way to look at it.

i guess we can be dear friends as you say, but definitely not if we're on the phone acting like boyfriend and girlfriend and he's going insane with jealousy if i talk to another man or he thinsk i am on a date, so i guess it was good to make a break sp he'd understand friends is ok, dating is ok - but the space in between is not ok


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He may have ED and sexual performance problems......hence the divorce and the hesitancy to meet up. He may be a closet gay.....the tip of a Warmberg. His phone voice greatly surpasses the man in the flesh.

Dunno. These people/things exist.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Btw, the last message he sent you was sweet and all. But remember, actions are more important than words.


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## dipity (Oct 7, 2016)

Thanks Celes. That is all true what you said. I guess the way you find out is by actually dating, so frustrating i didn't get that opportunity but i'm not blind to the fact that he is one messed up person.

Maybe he does have sexual issues SunC...i wondered myself a few times that question because i could not understand why he didn't want to sleep with me. I asked him and he said "i do want to sleep with you, all the time, but i want to do it right, treat you right"

i know he's had sex with other people!


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

dipity said:


> It's funny you mentioned that because that's exactly what we talked about. His friend had raised the issue with him, talked about him pushing me away and sabotaging his own life and we'd read all about that together. He did the test and came back extremely fearful avoidant. He said it was the most accurate description he'd read on himself. That he both really desired my love and me, but at the same time felt unworthy of it and also a lack of trust that I would not leave him.
> 
> The thing was even after we worked that out, that he has felt this way down to this and quite a few losses in the last 2 years, he wouldn't get help. It was like he was just continually creating barriers to avoid me. I mean, as soon as we dealt with one thing, the next would pop up. like hitting those fairground machines where the bunnies head kept popping out and you never win.
> 
> ...



I did a lot of reading about it and you need to get away you sound normal. Almost nobody can get along with an Fearful Avoidant and the plain Avoidants are worse. You will always be chasing and he will always be running away. Its from how your parents treat you as a child and the books I read its not fixable. To be honest the Fearful Avoidants cannot understand why anybody would like them. Im sorry but run the other way.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

I think some of the issue here is that you never really dated at all. It was all at a distance, smoke and mirrors. I'm thinking you didn't spend much time in each other's physical company. He made you out to be something more than you are and then was afraid of you "being too good for him." 

Anyway, it's good you let this go. It wasn't going anywhere. And would only frustrate and confuse you if it had.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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