# My wife bought a ring with out consulting me.



## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

A few months ago she went on a Cruse one of those last minute cruses with a few girlfriends. My wife never does anything fun so I gladly advised her to go and have a good time. Other than the 400 in air far food and expenses the trip was relative cheap.

One of my wife’s girlfriends saying my wife found her 20th anniversary ring and sent me a picture. I asked how much for that fake ring and she replied $3,000 for 12 carrots. My wife is frugal to a fault and never buys anything she has been called “cheep” by her friends. Anyway with out speaking to me at all about the ring that cost 3200 she came home from this trip that was not going to cost a lot of money having spent $5000. Nether one of us has ever made a major purchase over a few hundred dollars with out consulting each other first.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yowsa

How is she paying for it?


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

Lon said:


> yowsa
> 
> How is she paying for it?
> 
> Don't all married couples have "Joint Accounts" that the wives manage?


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## Hubby01 (Jul 5, 2011)

This is a very simple answer.

If this is more money than you would consider appropriate (which I suggest it is since you're here) then you must address the issue, NOW.

For most people $3000 is a major purchase and something which if done together I see no problem with but the fact she's willing spend it alone is extremely disrespectful and a big red flag for me.

Whats done is done, but you need to make it clear she has overstepped an unwritten boundary in your financial situation and she will now need to find a way to see that $3000 back into your account, if not immediately certainly in set installments.

As for joint accounts, yeah I assume most couple have joint accounts, and accounts where they have discretionary spending, but in a "fair" relationship I can't imagine one person having control of that account unless the other isn't interested.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

frustated said:


> Lon said:
> 
> 
> > yowsa
> ...


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ouch! I'd be ticked if my husband did something that to me. We have an agreement that major purchases must be agreed on.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

A lot of women are impulsive buyers. They see something which really catch their eye and they want it badly, they can't even wait for a few days, they want it right away! 

I am sure it is something she wanted badly, and she was worried that your answer would be NO for sure. She did it first without telling you and now you can't do anything about it! 

But obviously what she did has lost your trust! The value of the ring is $3,000. But what she paid is not just $3,000, the ring cost her much more than she realizes.


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

My husband can spend any amount he wants to on whatever he wants. That is our agreement. As long as he can cover half the bills, which he can easily. It would be weird to not discuss it with me, but I wouldn't care. I'm not with him to use his money.

But with you, it depends on how you both agreed to deal with money and how much extra money you have.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> But obviously what she did has lost your trust! The value of the ring is $3,000. But what she paid is not just $3,000, the ring cost her much more than she realizes.


:iagree:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Are you sure she actually bought it? Maybe it was given to her.


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## BleepingFamily (Jul 30, 2011)

That is messed up!
I would be mad for months! I agree on not having joint accounts, but anything over $200 needs to be discussed! 

Mike


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This was an impulse egged on by her friends. Yes your wife is responsible for herself. But now I would be leary of her actions under peer pressure.

A 20th anniversary ring should be bought by you. The two of you together probably. You got cheated out of buying it for her and it coming from you. Now, even though you technically bought it, it was really a gift to herself from herself. Actually she will think of it as a ring she got while she was crusiing with her friends. So it is not a 20th anniversary ring as much at it a a girls having a blast on a cruise ring. So yeah, I would be pissed.

It would have been ideal for you to have gone on a romantic cruise with her and you guys bought the ring together. I have done this with my wife. Muych better deal. After all the ring is supoosed to be about you guys as a couple.

-----

I just looked back. You are the guy whose wife calls in other males to fix things and so on. This is just another level of disrespect for you. In general it seems that slowly your wife is cutting you out of your involvement in the marriage. That is a rash statement but looking over your posts this is not an isolated incident.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

frustated said:


> A few months ago she went on a Cruse one of those last minute cruses with a few girlfriends. My wife never does anything fun so I gladly advised her to go and have a good time. Other than the 400 in air far food and expenses the trip was relative cheap.
> 
> One of my wife’s girlfriends saying my wife found her 20th anniversary ring and sent me a picture. I asked how much for that fake ring and she replied $3,000 for 12 carrots. My wife is frugal to a fault and never buys anything she has been called “cheep” by her friends. Anyway with out speaking to me at all about the ring that cost 3200 she came home from this trip that was not going to cost a lot of money having spent $5000. Nether one of us has ever made a major purchase over a few hundred dollars with out consulting each other first.


Firstly if you are both frugal you may well have quite a lot of money put away. Is this the case?

Secondly you have been married 20 years, how many romantic things have you done for her and special things have you bought her?

Thirdly, I am going to take a stab here and say she is a woman who sees herself as making sacrifices and being frugal a lot, but probably has been waiting patiently for you to do something romantic and buy her something special and it hasn't happened, so she took it upon herself to purchase a ring.

If you can afford it and she is normally very frugal, then I'd say move on, but start thinking seriously about what kind of an effort you are putting into the relationship. 

That doesn't mean just dismiss it, it means address it, and let her know you want to discuss big purchases in future. but also take heed and buy your wife something special every now and then.

If my SO was allways frugal and we had saved a lot of money over the years, I would not care if he splashed out once in 20 years, so keep it in perspective.


It would be very different if she was allways doing this to you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Are you sure she actually bought it? Maybe it was given to her.


Good question.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I agree with the others that her friends encouraged her to buy the ring. If she's frugal and hardly ever does things fun, she probably feels bad about doing it. It would have been nice if the ring was purchased by you, but now that it's done, maybe your gift to her could be your blessing. Tell her how beautiful it looks on her. From the way you described her, it sounds like she's worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I think if this was an isolated incident then it would be easy to tell her how nice it looks and so on. But the problem is that that enables future bad behavior in your case. The old it is better to ask forgiveness than communicate thing. This is not a 20th anniversary ring if you did not give it to her.

So this incident just enabled all the things that has happened since. She is losing respect for you.

What would I do? I would tell her that as far as I was concerned that was not our 20th anniversary ring. I would not acknowledge it as such since it did not come from me and we did not agree on it. It is just an girl friend cruise ring. Which is what it is. Lets be honest she bought an expensive ring and she is looking for justification of it by calling it a 20th anniversary ring. For all we know it is a I got my freedom ring. Who knows what other impulses were fed on the cruise or what else goes on with a woman who is losing respect for her husband. She is very vulnerable now.

Now there is a bigger issue. You need to man up. She has lost respect for you. If you have been a cheap SOB with her you are reaping the rewards of that. She is acting out for some reason. It is probably just not out of pure selfishness, but it could be. That said, I think it is her drifting away. Take charge of your marriage. Do not be a doormat but you need to take care of your wifes needs. She needs to see you as an attractive assertive man before she finds someone else.


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## shibuya (Aug 1, 2011)

I think the best thing you can do in the short-term is be cool about it, say something like "I'm glad you found a ring you like, it's really beautiful!". 

At least that way you'll get some credit for the purchase, whereas if you start an argument about it you're down $3,200 and have an upset wife. 

I know I'd struggle to react that way, but it's probably the best approach.


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

I do think major expenses should be discussed. I have been in your position. Husband has bought two sports car ($60,000+ each) and each time hid it at in-laws house for a few months. I really wouldn't have rejected to this purchase (other than the first time, because we did not have a house and he paid it cash which could have been a down payment), but I felt excluded. I know how you feel and hopefully you can discuss your feelings with your wife and she will understand,


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Firstly if you are both frugal you may well have quite a lot of money put away. Is this the case?
> 
> Secondly you have been married 20 years, how many romantic things have you done for her and special things have you bought her?
> 
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

frustated said:


> Syrum said:
> 
> 
> > Firstly if you are both frugal you may well have quite a lot of money put away. Is this the case?
> ...


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

What's missing from this stream is how does _she_ feel about it?? if she's kind of sheepishly sorry she allowed herslef to be peer-pressured but just loves the ring and feels like she allowed herself this one vice this one time, I guess I'd let it slide but strongly voice my concern on such a thing ever happening again, setting the precedent here on this and all related 'respect-based' issues. The biggest concern as Entropy says is the lack of respect being demonstrated, and either way I would get that on the table and talked through. 

Now, if she's silent about it now that she's back and has an attitude of "I'll do whatever I want whether you like it or not", that is completely different....


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## Rafaelinan (Jul 31, 2011)

I think it's better if you sit and talk to her about this. My wife and I also had some disagreements about the same stuff before, you know buying this and that without the telling the other. A good talk always resolves misunderstandings. If you address it to her now, I don't think it will happen ever again.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Think about what she got from her friends by doing this.... She did it because she is lacking that in life and craves it... And you be the one to start giving it to her. It is not about the gift, but what the friends did and said to get your wife to buy it.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I could picture her seeing the ring with her friends around. She wants it badly, they see this, and start to tell her to go ahead and buy it, the discussions with you about price and being a gift from you will be discussed later when it's too late for her to return it. They probably said things to her like:
"Go ahead, honey, get it! You deserve this, and we'll back you up 100%-to hell with what HE thinks!"

Now, imagine this scenario in a club on a GNO, when she and her friends notice that handsome young guy checking her out:
"Go ahead, honey, leave with him. You deserve this, and we'll cover for you 100%-to hell with what HE thinks!"


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

F-102 said:


> I could picture her seeing the ring with her friends around. She wants it badly, they see this, and start to tell her to go ahead and buy it, the discussions with you about price and being a gift from you will be discussed later when it's too late for her to return it. They probably said things to her like:
> "Go ahead, honey, get it! You deserve this, and we'll back you up 100%-to hell with what HE thinks!"
> 
> Now, imagine this scenario in a club on a GNO, when she and her friends notice that handsome young guy checking her out:
> "Go ahead, honey, leave with him. You deserve this, and we'll cover for you 100%-to hell with what HE thinks!"


Wow, I can't believe you took this there. Not an unreasonable analysis of the dynamic though. Plausible. 

The history over the past so many months for him has been his wife showing him disrespect. No telling how far though or deep that goes.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Rafaelinan said:


> I think it's better if you sit and talk to her about this. My wife and I also had some disagreements about the same stuff before, you know buying this and that without the telling the other. A good talk always resolves misunderstandings. If you address it to her now, I don't think it will happen ever again.


Yes, this really should have been discussed. I think this happened a while back and since then she has been showing him signs of disrespect.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> Wow, I can't believe you took this there. Not an unreasonable analysis of the dynamic though. Plausible.
> 
> The history over the past so many months for him has been his wife showing him disrespect. No telling how far though or deep that goes.


Just so you know, this "man" deleted his previous posts about how he forced his wife in to oral sex and then walked out the front door telling her he was done with her as she was crying and begging him to stay. He's a real winner. $3k could have gone a long way in her life. A lawyer or a hitman come to mind.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Oh please. Wife buys jewelry = cheating? Come on!!
> Ever read this guys posts? If anybody is cheating...it's him or he is setting it up and looking for validation.


I said what he indicated about peer pressure is plausible. He is invoking the "you go girl" scenario. They were on a cruise. Her husband has neglected her for a long time.

Plausible in no way means probable. It is akin to "not impossible".

I too have read through his posts. I think she has all respect for him and he is not meeting her needs and so on. In another thread he did start getting to the heart of the matter.

In no way do I equate buying jewlery to cheating. But she is acting out a bit. She is getting some peer pressure as well. She is not a happy camper with hubby.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> I said what he indicated about peer pressure is plausible. He is invoking the "you go girl" scenario. They were on a cruise. Her husband has neglected her for a long time.
> 
> Plausible in no way means probable. It is akin to "not impossible".
> 
> ...


Um, this guy is a VIOLENT ALCOHOLIC , threatening her and punching walls.
SHE is acting out? Yeah, no. Stunned actually she didn't use that $3k for something more useful than fake jewelry.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Just so you know, this "man" deleted his previous posts about how he forced his wife in to oral sex and then walked out the front door telling her he was done with her as she was crying and begging him to stay. He's a real winner. $3k could have gone a long way in her life. A lawyer or a hitman come to mind.


 I remember now, and I do believe you owe your wife far more then a $3000 ring.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Is it really fake? OP says it's fake, then says $3000 for 12 carrots, I suppose he means 12 carats but of what? 12 carat gold? 12 carats of diamonds? If the latter, that was the best investment ever made. 

If it really is fake, and it was sold under false pretenses, you can probably sue the store where she bought it.

If it's real, you can probably sell it, jewelry doesn't sell for as much as you bought it for but if it has gemstones and valuable metal then it is worth something. I'm NOT suggesting you do this, just pointing out that jewelry is valuable, there is a HUGE difference between a fake ring and a real one. Did you mean fake in the sense that it is not a real ANNIVERSARY ring? Sorry but I just couldn't figure that part out.

Not having read the OPs other posts, I am not going to comment on non-thread related stuff, but I can say that I am an extremely frugal wife, to the point that I will go without eating sometimes to save money (would never let my H do that), and it IS possible to snap. Heck, I've been doing this for a few years, not 20. I can see that if I were in a bizarre situation like on a cruise (which I would NEVER do because I do not spend money on myself full stop, I wear second-hand clothes I bought YEARS ago, etc etc) yes I CAN imagine that I would "snap" and spend a ton of money on something stupid. I hope it doesn't happen but it would have NOTHING to do with respect/disrespect toward my husband. It would have to do with the fact that frugality can wear you down over time.

To the OP, if you have been neglecting and/or abusing your wife as alluded in posts above, I don't know about it, but obviously that dramatically colors her behavior.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Um, this guy is a VIOLENT ALCOHOLIC , threatening her and punching walls.
> SHE is acting out? Yeah, no. Stunned actually she didn't use that $3k for something more useful than fake jewelry.


Bright Eyes, I did not see any posts like that. My comments are only related to what I have seen.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> Bright Eyes, I did not see any posts like that. My comments are only related to what I have seen.


He deleted them. Having said that, I do not condone making large purchases without consulting your partner. $3k is an awfully large purchase without some prior discussion. I don't however equate this with acting out/cheating. It might literally have been a spur of the moment thing where she saw it and decided to buy it under the premise that it is a 20th wedding present. I do agree though that he should have been the one to buy it. Maybe she thought if she didn't, she wouldn't get anything? :scratchhead:


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Just so you know, this "man" deleted his previous posts about how he forced his wife in to oral sex and then walked out the front door telling her he was done with her as she was crying and begging him to stay. He's a real winner. $3k could have gone a long way in her life. A lawyer or a hitman come to mind.


That was THIS guy? Well that changes everything.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Just so you know, this "man" deleted his previous posts about how he forced his wife in to oral sex and then walked out the front door telling her he was done with her as she was crying and begging him to stay. He's a real winner. $3k could have gone a long way in her life. A lawyer or a hitman come to mind.


Yeah...that does change the entire story. And I do remember that thread. Pretty clearly. Riled up a lot of members here, the way he treated her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ok, I missed the memo on this .......


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

Well after following this post, his wife deserves this ring and more. I don't understand how people can come to a website meant to help others, and not tell the whole story. I know that many times, we can not see our errors, but we are here to learn and grow. If I am not honest, how can I become a better person?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

mayatatia said:


> Well after following this post, his wife deserves this ring and more. I don't understand how people can come to a website meant to help others, and not tell the whole story. I know that many times, we can not see our errors, but we are here to learn and grow. If I am not honest, how can I become a better person?


That's why I find it is very difficult for me to comfort people! 

They tell one story to get your sympathy, but............................

My boss said that pathetic people must have something pathetic about them, or they won't be pathetic!


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