# how to proceed?



## dan? (Feb 8, 2012)

hi,

i'm sure my story is going to sound very familiar. 

was sat at home 2 weeks ago and my girlfriend of 18 years says she wants to finish! this came totally out of the blue for me but she said she has been thinking about it for the last 4 years or so. we have 2 lovely daughters (15 and 4) and everything we own is in joint name.

at first she said she was going to move out with the girls for a couple of days, but then she decided that it would be better for our daughters if they could stay in their own house. i was going to try to find somwhere else, but the few friends i have said under no circumstances leave the house! so we are currently still living together.

we are both working full time (long hours) and we hardly see each other during the week. as well as her day job she also drives a taxi 3 nights a week for about the last 18months. since she started that second job is when i feel things started to go downhill. her reasons for the split are that she thinks i haven't paid her enough attention over the years. also, that i have never involved myself in family activities etc (which i agree about by the way). i cant remember the last time i went on holiday with them. she always goes with her parents. she says she loves me, but, no longer 'LOVES' me. we have had the odd argument over the last 18 years, but nothing to serious. we are still speaking (no arguments or being difficult) and at the moment i'm trying to be as understanding and non-confrontational as i can. it has also come to light that she has been seaking comfort with someone else (coz i wasnt giving her any), although she says nothing physical has happened...i'm not so sure.

i e-mail her all the time while we are both at work and talk to her as much as she will let me (but keep the convo lighthearted). i keep trying to arrange things that all 4 of us can do, but, she keeps saying "do it with the girls". she is basically doing what i have done to her over the last few years...cant blame her really. its like she has finally said what she wanted to say and is now just digging her heals in. i am desperate to ask her the question "you dont love me anymore and you dont think you can love me again, but, would you like to love me like you did a few years ago if you could". 

i'm not sure what i want people to respond with. i love her with every fibre of my being. she is my best friend and everything...

i need to hear that this can be sorted out...i need to hear that it can work again.


cheers


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## LoveGirl (Feb 8, 2012)

Currently- I am on the "Female" side of this type of marriage and am the one thinking about divorce to a nice guy who just isn't "available" to me. 

My advice: Don't ask her for anything. If you love her like that, it's going to be more difficult now than ever before to show it...but you gotta. Just tell her you aren't giving up and you are going to try and change. If she refuses to spend time with you- send her flowers, engrave a necklace and leave it on the counter for her, make a dvd of your life together, ask her in a letter to go on a trip together (just you and her)- to talk. A marriage that long deserves a trip to talk and then sweep her off her feet. If she is hard towards you, you try until she leaves the house.


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## dan? (Feb 8, 2012)

thanks...i dont really have too many friends to advise me and certainly no female friends to try to see her point of view.

i am trying to show that i have changed (only 2 weeks but have to start somewhere). she is currently just blanking or trying to divert every attempt to do anything together. i suggested going out for valentines next week (not as a date) to try and just do something we used to do. i did manage to get her to go for a walk for 30mins sunday. i want her to get to know me again. we have just got so familiar with each over the years that we took each other for granted.

everyday before i leave for work i put a 'i love you babe' somewhere that she will find it...in the coffee tin, on her hair brush, hanging from rear view mirror etc.. i dont however want to saturate her so much that it either has no effect on her or starts to hate me for doing it. she hasn't mentioned the notes to me and i haven't bought it up in conversation.


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## LoveGirl (Feb 8, 2012)

If she is divorcing you, you may be past cute notes. I know I am. I know my husband loves me, but that's not the issue. She probably feels the same- Is she still attracted to you? Maybe all these years your just not that interesting, it's hard when you know someone for that long. Step up the game, look your best, change your habits. I know this sounds weird, but if she see's you change other things, she may believe you when you say you can change. Just trying to give you ideas. Also, don't be so serious with the I love you stuff, GET SILLY. That's how to bring fire back into the relationship, seem care-free and super happy. Unfortunately, sad and sorry isn't as cute as fun and silly. She obviously wants something new, so give it to her. Hope it works out


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