# trying this part of the site



## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

Hello. I've been posting in the going through separation section but now am posting this here---my husband is now in recovery and has 11 months of sobriety and I'm hoping that folks can reply to my post that are familiar with not only addiction but also the recovery part (which ain't as rosy as it's cracked up to be but much better than the using).
OK---in a nutshell, my husband moved out in October because he couldn't deal with my son anymore (from previous marriage, 10 years old mentally/emotionally ill). My husband 'came clean' in March that he had been using/abusing/lying for over a year about his past sobriety (I knew it but you probably know all the games we play with ourselves)---this is also the 3rd time I have caught my husband in the addiciton lie in the entire term of our relationship. 
This time, he is doing very well, going to meetings consistently, changed his sponsers/friends, etc. but he discovered in his sobriety that marriage is hard. Needless to say, I didn't want any of this. I hung in there with him through ALL of his downfalls and through it all my son was always my son---lots of drama with hospitals, medications, etc. You could also say that I was exhausted...not to mention that he has a 6 year old daughter from his previous relationship so I was always with the children whether because he was using or because he was getting sober "doing what he had to do" as he puts it. 
In December, we started talking, seeing each other, and yes, having sex. Things are ok---I am surprisingly guarded yet open to any possibilities. I don't have any motives to get him back but I am happy that I get to talk to him and see him. In the beginning, he was very attentive but now things have waned. We had a talk last weekend in which he admitted that he likes his life like this, not answering to anyone, "doing what he has to do," and having sex with me. He also said that in his step work, he has realized that marriage is about 2 people and that he is selfish at heart as an addict so he just wasnt' capable--mentally or spiritually. 
Ok--I appreciated the honesty (I will admit that I was a bit angry/humiliated) but I have been wondering: why isn't he filing for divorce??? You see, I don't want divorce yet, I'm not there---this was all his idea. So I've been laying low.
Then on Friday night he called me after he had returned from a meeting. He said that he had spoken and that I was a BIG part of his story and he called to 'formerly apologize.' I said for what? He said everything. I said could you simplify that? do you mean the drugs and the lying? You already apologized for that. He said yeah that and well, everything. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you and (my son) and your whole family. 
Ok---I guess I wanted more specificity because I still wasn't sure exactly what he was apologizing for---leaving? screaming? lying? but I just said ok. I called my sponser (I'm in alanon) and told her of the conversation and then she said that she had been at the meeting that he spoke and she heard it directly that he said he felt bad because he realized that he was selfish/self-centered and left me when I needed him most (which is true---all the stuff with my son could be a novel).
I said to her, well I'm happy you all heard the amends but mine remains unclear. I have to admit that I was happy that he spoke about it (for those of you who are in recovery, you know that it's a tight community and we do all know each other). I also admit that there were moments that I thought perhaps we could make amends and rehabilitate our marriage. 
I don't know, I just would like to hear some feedback...thanks for reading and thanks for your time.


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