# Husband and my parents get along too well



## marble (Mar 3, 2011)

Married for seven months now, I live at home. My husband who was in another country moved to mine 4 months ago and while we wait for him to get a job and find our own pad, we live with my parents as it’s not possible to afford a place with just my salary.
My parents love him & I am so happy about that. He is really nice to them too; I am able to ignore any flaws because of the way he is with my parents.
As in any marriage, we have our share of fights and every time we have made up and enjoyed the making up sex and that was it. They were never huge issues and hence I forgot and let go of the small things.
No matter how big or small, I have kept the issues between US just between US. I had agreed with him that if/when we have issues that require help from parents or siblings; we shall decide to talk to them together.
Anyway 2 weeks now, I could feel cold shoulders from my parents and since they are normally moody people I didn’t think much to it. My husband has been all his lovey dovey self to me.
Yesterday we had a fight and he blurted that he has been sharing ALL our fights with my parents!!! I was gutted.
He wasn’t willing to clarify to me what were such huge issues that he had to share. Obviously my parent’s now thing I am the bad one and he is a poor guy who is suffering.
My point is if my hub’s intention was really external help; why not include me in the talk? Why talk to me and love me like normal and talk behind me to my parents?
Am very hurt and feeling so let down. I have become a stranger in my own home. 
On self evaluation I don’t think I am such a trouble causer as I stay out of the house 12 hours on work and hardly spend time with parents and him. I don’t see where there is time for them to cause so much pain to anyone.
On another note, I know hubby and my mom are talking a lot during the day because they both are staying at home while dad and I work. I feel it’s my mom’s critical and fretting about small things that have transferred to him too. She talks to him about my small mistakes as a kid/ teenager and is feeding him, I think.
Have lost my faith in my husband. I wouldn’t dare say anything to anyone about him out of respect and i wouldn’t bear if anyone criticised my husbands’ shortcomings. 
Any advice is appreciated


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## Asking4Flowers (Mar 2, 2011)

That was not fair of your husband to share personal information about your relationship with your family or friends. But I think it is a forgivable error. He probably does not have anyone to talk to since he only recently moved to the country. And the beginning of a marriage is always difficult because you are learning a lot about each other. But this type of behaviour should not continue. I think it is unfortunate that your parents cannot be supporters of your relationship without "taking sides". While you can explain to them that it would be better for your marriage if they could offer support without judgement, they are your parents and you cannot change them if they do not understand. The person who should understand and change is your husband.

First off, you should change your attitude that you are not a "trouble causer". You cannot really evaluated how your actions and words are affecting your husband because you are two different people with different sensitivities, interpretations, and styles. You cannot solve your problems if you go into the conversation already in defense-mode. So try and listen to your husband and respect his feelings. That is the best way to ensure that he does the same for you.

Explain to your husband how his disclosures to your parents have made your home life unpleasant. Simply ask that he find other people to discuss your relationship problems with (everyone needs someone to talk with). Tell him that you want to work through problems together without your parents interfering. You need your mutual friends/family to be supporters of the relationship so even if they do witness arguments you both need to be firm with other people that you will not accept them becoming involved or passing judgement on your partner. You should act as a team and stand up for one another.

I think if you go into this conversation with a willingness to understand his feelings and carefully express why his actions have hurt you, that you can get through this an avoid playing friends/family off each other in the future.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

It is really hard to live with parents. Not impossible, but hard. People aren't always very good at boundaries.

We live with my parents, too. Both of us are guilty of using my parents (mostly mom) as a sounding board. And she can be critical and has her opinions, of course.
It is just really easy to do when you are living together. Even if you don't verbalize, they hear things and see your interaction. 

I think Asking4Flowers has some good advice.


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