# What's Wrong?



## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

So i just got this from my wife via text. I'm at a major crossroads. I wrote up everything i want to say. I want to pour my heart out and tell her she may not have a emotional-physical sexual desire but i do, i need that contact. That we've had this conversation too many times and shes shown that she isnt willing to change. That ive tried dates and games and talking and improving myself and doing things for her but nothing helps. That im realizing she may not be a person who needs that sexual connection and that thats not bad but that i do need it and i dont know what to do. 

I feel like if i tell her these things im burning a bridge, that im kinda saying im done trying to help you want an emotional-physical marriage. But if i dont tell her, that my only other option is to keep living with that hole in my life and nothing will change. 

I feel like what i say next will dictate how this marriage will finally play out, and i'm afraid that i wont find anything better than what i have now if it ends, and that i should accept that i just married a great mother and best friend who doesnt need emotional-physical contact and is indifferent to the fact that i do. 

What do i do????


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I think you need to tell her exactly what you told us. You say you've communicated this to her many times in the past with no change on her part. You're also afraid that you may be "burning a bridge" if you tell her. You need to impress upon her how you are now at a crossroads if things don't improve.

What's your alternative? If you DON'T tell her, you'll just go on co-existing in a lackluster marriage where you are apparently unhappy.

Have you two tried marriage counseling? If not, I highly recommend it. If you have, and it didn't make much of a difference, then I think you have some very tough decisions to make regarding the future of your marriage.

As someone who was stuck in a 20-year marriage to an LD partner who had no interest in intimacy or physical touch, I can completely relate to your situation.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

what was the text you got from her?

would help posters advise if they knew what your wife texted


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## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

Sorry the topic of the post was what she texted. "What's wrong". My question is how do i respond.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Thanks for the clarification. I responded how I think you should respond.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Don' tell her her own thoughts.

Answer short and sweet. 

Here are a few.

I'm tired of being a doormat
I'm tired of a sex free marriage
I'm horny


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

RollerCoasterRide said:


> Sorry the topic of the post was what she texted. "What's wrong". My question is how do i respond.


without knowing your history like some of the other posters seem to, I think this is a good thing.

"whats wrong" is an invitation to dialog.

yes, I can probably guessed you've talked till you're blue in the face. sometimes however it takes 25 conversations to get through.

She is inviting you to dialog. one more time to sit down and talk won't hurt anything. keep talking till your beyond 'blue in the face' until you get through to her (and hear her side) before you give up.

there IS a certain point where you have to give up.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

RollerCoasterRide said:


> .
> What do i do????


you dont have to do anything yet. Just sit her down and ask if she cares at all for your sexual needs. Tell her you have real sexual needs that need to be met, and you are not prepared for the rest of your married life to be celibate.

Then sit back and see what she says. HER answer will determine your course of action. Action would be anything from renewed commitment from the both of you, to an open marriage or divorce.

You are sure she is not stepping out with another guy?? It seems something like half of the people on here complaining of no sex and no caring about it, eventually find the real reason!


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## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

Im sure its not another guy. Its not like she has an open flirty personality but just isnt giving it, she has the personality youd expect from someone who just doesnt care about sex. 

I told her everything, basically poured my heart out. She first was acting as if i was overreacting and she was confusing cause and effect (saying ive been distant this week so shes not gonna be in the mood) when ive been nice all along and just distant recently because she yelled at me for asking for sex. 

I basically said 'i dont like the way this conversation is going' and was very close to hanging up and starting to research divorce lawyers but she changed her attitude. I still think she was trying to put blame on me but i just told her how she nevers tries and i initiate and hate being disrespected. 

I then put the ball in her court by saying 'i dont know what to do from here' and seeing if she would suggest we try more or remain silent and then say 'i gotta go feed the kids' or something. If the latter i would have considered endinv it too, but she said she honestly liked us trying new things and inventing games to make it fun so we should keep trying. So heres to a second try, but if this fails, or she doesnt keep up her end, i think thats it.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

you're making a mistake if you don't ask her what she is going to do about this situation and expect some concrete examples of things she plans. 

understand that you don't want to throw out the D word but at the same time its very important for her to understand that this is a situation over which you are willing to divorce. It is that important to you. 

you can't expect her to understand how important it is unless you are very clear about how important it is . if you leave it open ended and she is LD and somewhat selfish she will drag this out until you are 75 years old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"because she yelled at me for asking for sex."

Wow. how bad can it get. she yelled at you for asking for sex.
how dare you asking for sex as a married man!! (sarc.)

did you ask nice (don't sugar coat)? what were the circumstances and how did you ask? depending on your answer, she may be obstinate and beyond hope at least for now. (again depending on circumstances), she is denying her marriage vows.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Here's what you say:

We have a major problem between us. Sex and the emotional connection it brings is vital for me. While for you, it is not and you feel pressured to feel something you don't. This is a major problem we both have to work on and I really don't know what we should do. Because my need to have sex with you and only you will never go away. It is a need, it is not just getting my rocks off. You can't see this because you don't have this same need. I don't want to make you feel like there is something wrong with you because you don't need a sexual connection with me like I need it with you. But at the same time, I won't feel like there is something wrong or sinister with me because I do need it.

Now how do we solve this problem?"


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

You'll need to be in a totally different point in your marriage to sit her down and talk about the lack of sex. 

It rarely works...and don't ever beg her for sex. It's a turn off. 

Women are not wired like men when it comes to sex. There needs to be attraction. 

Stop killing yourself by over doing things for her. It actually does the opposite. 

You are rewarding her for bad behaviour. 

Improving yourself by losing weight and gaining muscle is your first step. 

No man should stay in a sexless marriage but to give that ultimate ultimatum you need to make yourself into a man other women would want. 

So is sex once a month? Once every other month?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

RollerCoasterRide said:


> I told her everything, basically poured my heart out. She first was acting as if i was overreacting and she was confusing cause and effect (saying ive been distant this week so shes not gonna be in the mood) when ive been nice all along and just distant recently because* she yelled at me for asking for sex. *


Can you give more details around this? Circumstances? How you initiated? How she handled?


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Your wife is maybe sexually dysfunctional or in the early stages of becoming. She doesn't know how to deal with it. Maybe she talked with a doctor. She is not going want to talk about it. 

This is a common problem for women. I going to give you brief explanation and your going need to do your own research. 

Mother nature by evolutionary designed women to be promiscuous animals. They are VERY few animals on the planet that has sex for pure pleasure. Modern man by using what is called "sexual imprinting" has made us believe we are monogamous. We have only been trying to monogamous for a few thousand years. Women brains need sex to function properly and intercourse for the vagina to work. Instinct or what we call fantasy and desires are repressed to remain faithful. The end result is sexual dysfunction. 

We have taken the most sexual promiscuous animal on earth, brainwashed it into believing it is monogamous... and you wonder way it's dysfunctional! 

Here is visual you tying to fix it. 
Your wife lives in sexual cage. You can open the cage but she won't leave it. She will not come out and play. She is afraid of that world outside the cage and she doesn't play inside anymore. 

You need to understand "sexual imprinting" and "sexual dysfunction" and the history of "hysteria" in women, for starters! You also need to understand you also have imprinting. Your desire for sex is because of evolution and that desire will drive you to divorce the women you love. Good luck!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

:lol:


:rofl:


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Melvynman said:


> Your wife is maybe sexually dysfunctional or in the early stages of becoming. She doesn't know how to deal with it. Maybe she talked with a doctor. She is not going want to talk about it.
> 
> This is a common problem for women. I going to give you brief explanation and your going need to do your own research.
> 
> ...


Ok, are you serious? Please tell me you're not.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Well said Anon... *THIS* should be a sticky.



Anon Pink said:


> Here's what you say:
> 
> "We have a major problem between us. Sex and the emotional connection it brings is vital for me. While for you, it is not and you feel pressured to feel something you don't. This is a major problem we both have to work on and I really don't know what we should do. Because my need to have sex with you and only you will never go away. It is a need, it is not just getting my rocks off. You can't see this because you don't have this same need. I don't want to make you feel like there is something wrong with you because you don't need a sexual connection with me like I need it with you. But at the same time, I won't feel like there is something wrong or sinister with me because I do need it.
> 
> Now how do we solve this problem?"


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## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

Anon pink: i have said basically everything in your post, several times. It's how i start the conversations when i have these talks. Her response every time is just "i know i really need to work on it" and then she doesnt. 

Fozzy: it was 2-3 weeks since we last had our game night leading to sex. The games were supposed to be weekly but she was injured but now healed. I was completely in the mood and was wondering if i should bring it up or not when she said her tv shows started in 5 min. Knowing she was going to say no in that case i wondered if i could put the idea in her head for later to let her know im in the mood i said "oh darn cause u know i kind of want to..." And she said "no" i went over and playfully started like tickling and asking "are you suuuuuure?" And she was kinda giggling and playing along but still saying no. So she watches her shows and i go play xbox. Before bed i just ask "so you wanna do it?" (I know its not romantic but see my other post where at this point it has been established that being romantic doesnt increase odds at all) and she flies off the handle saying "jeez babe no!!you asked like 5 times! Stop asking me" i did not ask 5 times i asked once and she was playing along the other times when i was tickling her. I told her wtf and that that was no way to respond. And she kept saying i was asking too much and saying i was in the wrong. 

At this point we've had another game night( the night went well butshe still isnt holding to her penatlties for losing (im trying to invent rules to get us in the mood throughout the week. This one was a random text pic of her topless...she owed me one before this game night too and didnt do it so i was like " you really have to send it this time" and she was like "ok but u have to delete it right away". But still no pic. Im close to telling her "babe its no fun if i have to keep reminding you and pushing you to do it". She gets in the mood on game night fine but anything outside of that its back to absolutely no emotional-physical interaction.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

It sounds like "game night" really isn't working out too well.

What's your next step?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Melvynman said:


> Your wife is maybe sexually dysfunctional or in the early stages of becoming. She doesn't know how to deal with it. Maybe she talked with a doctor. She is not going want to talk about it.
> 
> This is a common problem for women. I going to give you brief explanation and your going need to do your own research.
> 
> ...



What?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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