# Wife is always mad, and unapproachable



## Emptybox (Feb 24, 2016)

I think it's time for us to part. I have this huge fear of being dumped with the baby responsibility all alone, and when my daughter is old enough, she'll take her away. I've already volunteered to take off from work to watch my daughter 5 days a week. We don't trust handling her to anyone right now. I already am over-stressed and have grown depressed being away from society. As she does not drive, nor speak English very well, I am responsible for taking care of two kids it's like. 

I'm not an older man, her father's age or horribly disfigured. I'm actually younger than her and still in my prime. I just believe in family, and for the sake of keeping the peace and love in the house, I don't tend to put my dignity in consideration much. But, I've always apologized to her and begged her to cheer up every time she gets mad about something so we could get on with our lives. She's pretty unapproachable, but I know if I don't make the move, she'll never make up as she's very stubborn. Her unapproachable-ness (shoving me away, nagging and refusing to make up until I beg) has come to the point that I'm burned out from apologizing. I just can't anymore. I'm numb and I don't see a urgency or desire to make up with her. Every issue we've argued over has been so benign and unimportant to our lives, but because of the sheer number it's worn me out. 

I feel so stuck in my life, I'm just letting it go. I'm letting her go - is it the right choice? We're so happy when she's not mad, but when she is we lose an entire day or even three of important tasks we could finish. In my blood-related side of the family, it doesn't matter how big our arguments our, we still talk normally the next day and do what we need to do together. But with her, everything gets taken so personal - I just don't get it. I bought the wrong box of coconut milk at Costco yesterday - it was the only coconut brand they had and Costco was her instruction - all this from that? 

Deeply confused and wanting to move on and not sure if she's worth living the rest of my life to.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

So you are sl younger and in your prime. You are currently a SAHD, and she works. You live in a country where she does not speak the native language and you must drive her around. 

From the facts you gave on your opening post I get the sense she is a mail order bride and you are defensive about it. Advise is only as good as the facts provided, so may get some more. So if I am right: 

What country do you reside in, and what country is she from. 
How did you meet?
How much do you really know about each other?
How long married ? 
How old is the job ?
why is she working and not you ? 

In the mean while try reading try reading 5 love languages they have a site here Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

it sounds like you are on the crazy cycle

have a listen to episode one of these podcasts. Done from a biblical perspective but applicable to all relationships

Episode List


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## Emptybox (Feb 24, 2016)

Didnt think that there are people on this place to make a cruel joke out of someone whos seeking comfort.

If youre not joking, then the reason i sound defensive is because i know that most people think i have some kind of low self esteem when i explain my situation. I wanted to move past that discussiin point, because i dont and want to get straight to what i feel is more important to my situation. I dont conform to gendet role

As for how weve met, we met in a trade a school where english isnt required and there are a lot of non english speaking folks here. I speak both languages fluently having grown up here in southern california. 

I dont understand why you dont get why one person isnt working? I explained that we dont trust other people watching over our 18 month daughter. She doesnt speak yet and she refuses to eat unless i feed her. I volunteered because my wife cannot stay at home. Do you realize how much harder it is being a full time stay at home parent than it is working? I have dreams of going back to work and talking with my customers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Could you switch for a while, and you work? Would that help?


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## ontar (Feb 24, 2016)

Emptybox said:


> Didnt think that there are people on this place to make a cruel joke out of someone whos seeking comfort.


There's cruel people everywhere.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

No, I was not being cruel. I was trying to establish some basic facts. As I said the advise giving is only as good as all the facts. No, I do not have a problem with a SAHD or a SAHM. Either is great. 

As to her county of origin it is still of interest. Why, her cultural expectations. What ate they and how deep do they run. Again you may be speaking other languages to each other, ad I am not being literal.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

From what you have said, she has always been like this, and there is no reason to expect her to change for the better.

So the answer is "no, you should not put up with this for the rest of your life".


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

If you divorce then you will need to get a job to support yourself and give her child support and then your daughter will have to be in daycare because you will both be working. How is that going to help your situation? You knew she didn't drive or speak English well when you married her so you are partly to blame for your situation, meanwhile avoid subjects that make her mad.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

What i do not understand is how can your wife work if she is in an english speaking country, shouldn't you be the one working? or are living in her home country?

I think you sound as if you have low esteem and I know you want to dismiss that topic and deal with what is happening in your marriage but the point is your self esteem is allowing your wife to bully you.

Perhaps you should read some books to help you become a more assertive male in your marriage.
Men can you help with the titles?


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I agree with aine, how is it that she works when she doesn't speak English? I would have her stay home with the children and you go to work, unless her line of work provides the family with better income overall. The arguments over small things such as the wrong type of coconut milk is really unnecessary if you ask me. Instead of being apologetic and saying sorry all of the time when you are not wrong, tell her, "I am sorry you feel that strongly about (insert topic here), but I do not feel like it should escalate into a catastrophic event that you are making it out to be. Come talk to me when you calm down." and walk away! If she wants to pout and act like a stubborn child, let her. As far as the relationship goes, if you are unhappy and do not think you can live the rest of your life like this then try counseling with her or a trial separation so you have time to figure things out and establish your own happiness.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Emptybox said:


> I think it's time for us to part. I have this huge fear of being dumped with the baby responsibility all alone, and when my daughter is old enough, she'll take her away. I've already volunteered to take off from work to watch my daughter 5 days a week. We don't trust handling her to anyone right now. I already am over-stressed and have grown depressed being away from society. As she does not drive, nor speak English very well, I am responsible for taking care of two kids it's like.
> 
> I'm not an older man, her father's age or horribly disfigured. I'm actually younger than her and still in my prime. I just believe in family, and for the sake of keeping the peace and love in the house, I don't tend to put my dignity in consideration much. But, I've always apologized to her and begged her to cheer up every time she gets mad about something so we could get on with our lives. She's pretty unapproachable, but I know if I don't make the move, she'll never make up as she's very stubborn. Her unapproachable-ness (shoving me away, nagging and refusing to make up until I beg) has come to the point that I'm burned out from apologizing. I just can't anymore. I'm numb and I don't see a urgency or desire to make up with her. Every issue we've argued over has been so benign and unimportant to our lives, but because of the sheer number it's worn me out.
> 
> ...


 Go take a look in the Mental health forum listing and research what BPD is...... Then come on back to this thread, you can' fix a problem until you know what it is.


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## reboot (Oct 9, 2012)

I have heard more than once that women from certain foreign countries are used to being pampered even though they were not "rich" in their country of origin. This is because in many of these countries, such as Philippines, even the middle class people have servants and cooks. But when these women come to America, they do not get that anymore unless their spouse is truly wealthy. This must come as quite a shock and a disappointment to them.

Was she a citizen before she married you?


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## gogetting (Mar 24, 2016)

JohnA said:


> So you are sl younger and in your prime. You are currently a SAHD, and she works. You live in a country where she does not speak the native language and you must drive her around.
> 
> From the facts you gave on your opening post I get the sense she is a mail order bride and you are defensive about it. Advise is only as good as the facts provided, so may get some more. So if I am right:
> 
> ...


This input and questions were very unhelpful and self-serving.
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Trying to help:
It is clear that the situation is not healthy and your wife is allowing herself to control with mood swings. I wonder what ways you try to maintain control yourself. All I can recommend is marriage counseling for the both of you, baby sitter for the child (the baby will eat, you guys are being over protective) and language lessons for the wife so she can express herself in other ways than brooding.


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