# Sick feeling of betrayal?



## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Hi there,

This is a question for those who are a bit more down the line in their recovery, or even to thouse who are going through this.

I still have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach of the betrayal, like I can't believe stbxh is capable of not 
hearing his inner guide telling him what he is doing is wrong.

That being said, did you feel the same way? (sick queasy feeling of betrayal) and when did it start getting better or start to go away?
Did anything help you get over that stage or cope with it?
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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

DDat Aug 31, 2011 still have that feeling, still cry everyday, I am a strong person and it is just time that keeps me going forward. It is sometimes not as intense yet there are days when it is the worst. Finding something to do gets me away from the feelings of reality.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Jupiter, are you still in the relationship?
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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

While my WW has essentially confessed to her betrayal, she's never actually come out and said "I'm sorry I had a full-on EA/PA affair on you for 16 months starting from when we got together." 

She knows I know, she knows what she did, and she's remorseful. I just think it's hard for her to make it REAL in her mind, and saying it like that would make it REAL for her. 

No way will I let her live her whole life without saying those words. Her remorse is genuine, but she won't even say those words to me, even though she knows I have all (well, most) of the details.

Meanwhile, she still accuses me of having an EA with someone who was truly a pen pal for several years. She's read those emails too, and never was there anything like "I love you and miss you terribly" or "I miss.... Everything" or " Give me a reason to believe, dammit. Tell me I f***ing matter as much to you as you do to me." which are quotes from emails she sent.

Grrrrrr!!!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Dday Memorial day 2012. FWW and I are reconciling. 

Anxiety, depression and ruminating were the order of the day for the past year. Started on anti depressants 3 weeks ago, starting to take the edge off. Still think about it, and it still hurts. But it's not so overwhelming which is nice. I'm able to open up about what I'm feeling now. Before I was so overwhelmed I was just shutting down.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Ues I am still in my relationship. My Wh is somewhat doing all that he should be doing but it is just not always enough for me. I have no plans to leave at this time. Life has a way of getting in the way of my healing. It seems there is just another situation that will come up needing my attention or a few time where we have had to show with a united front on issues. He is completely devoted to me at this time. It does not make the betrayal any easier when the things that I have lost through his choice is everything my dreams were made of. Where are you in your relationship


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, everyone who is betrayed feels that way.

It does subside with time. But there is always a kind of sadness tied to it or rather "it really sucks" that the other person did that to me and vice versa, etc.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

jupiter13 said:


> Ues I am still in my relationship. My Wh is somewhat doing all that he should be doing but it is just not always enough for me. I have no plans to leave at this time. Life has a way of getting in the way of my healing. It seems there is just another situation that will come up needing my attention or a few time where we have had to show with a united front on issues. He is completely devoted to me at this time. It does not make the betrayal any easier when the things that I have lost through his choice is everything my dreams were made of. Where are you in your relationship


I am sorry, I know when you are in R it is fighting up hill kind of thing.

I am getting a divorce, so I know I won't have his face as a reminder, though I did go through that for years and I know how hard it can be.
I just can't seem to shake the icky cold betrayal fellings in my gut, I have never experienced anything like this before, not the same as the intense pain, "dagger in the back" stage.
Just weird and kind of sick feeling. Though I am learning all this go's in stages and almost everybody seems to be feeling the same things no matter how odd the feelings seem.
I am just so thankful that TAM is here to guide...
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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Yes, everyone who is betrayed feels that way.
> 
> It does subside with time. But there is always a kind of sadness tied to it or rather "it really sucks" that the other person did that to me and vice versa, etc.


Jellybeans, how long has it been for you?

I kind of figured it must be a common thing BS feel but I guess the icky sick feeling does not make sense because I would think that would be something a WS would be feeling out of guilt.
For me its almost like I am feeling what my stbxh should be feeling, and some part of me can't understand why he is not.
All that wonderful blame shifting, fog, AP, etc to distract him I guess.

However I am getting to the "well this sucks" phase, so I guess that is progress 
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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I have an old injury that never stopped hurting. The pain never stopped, I just learned to ignore it. Now I only notice the pain when I pay attention to it. 

I think the feeling you are talking about is the same. It never fully goes away. You just learn not to pay so much attention to it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

darklilly23 said:


> Hi there,
> 
> This is a question for those who are a bit more down the line in their recovery, or even to thouse who are going through this.
> 
> ...


Yeah. Been there. It took several years to get over it. Though sometimes there are echoes of that feeling, years later.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Yes I have a sick feeling each time I see an email from her. Like a punch to the gut and even sicker after he has read it.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I know that some of my healing or lack of healing stems from my personal issues. Those issues I had long ago put to rest but the emotional crisis this betrayal has created is a brutal trauma as well that has been digging up bones.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

I thought I had done a lot of work on my self, mostly trust issues, put every ounce of trust I had in to stbxh, now trust is broken, but only with him 
I know I can trust again, and I am taking that trust with me.

I just hope and pray I can figure out my part in all of this, so I don't wind up with someone with the same problems as stbxh.
BYW who here is in IC or MC?
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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

darklilly23 said:


> I thought I had done a lot of work on my self, mostly trust issues, put every ounce of trust I had in to stbxh, now trust is broken, but only with him
> I know I can trust again, and I am taking that trust with me.
> 
> I just hope and pray I can figure out my part in all of this, so I don't wind up with someone with the same problems as stbxh.
> ...


Actually I think your attitude is the healthiest way to respond to marital infidelity (though I can't claim direct experience or special expertise). There is a saying that is something like ' by our actions, we teach others how we should be treated.' A spouse's affair is one of those "teaching moments." In that vein, divorce is the clearest lesson one can offer. 

More importantly your atitude about the future is very good. Optimism is a GREAT way to deal with the unknown. and I think it is realistic as well. The most relaible assessments (what I believe are) put husbands cheating at a rate of less than 30% (wives less than 20%). I.e. the odds of finding a faithful spouse are in your favor! good luck to you


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

darklilly23 said:


> I thought I had done a lot of work on my self, mostly trust issues, put every ounce of trust I had in to stbxh, now trust is broken, but only with him
> I know I can trust again, and I am taking that trust with me.
> 
> I just hope and pray I can figure out my part in all of this, so I don't wind up with someone with the same problems as stbxh.
> ...


I am in IC and have been since the end of March. He agreed that if we tried to reconcile he would be up for MC. I am not holding my breath on the MC or trying to reconcile.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

I am In IC just went through a ton of MC,
And yes it is worthless unless both want to work on things.
I really think signs of remorse are the key.
I should have gone to IC first while I was trying to do 180
But that's what panic and really loving someone will get you.
Messed up 180, sigh, oh well when I said it was over the first time he just said ok!
And called the OW to tell her how she ruined his marriage lol
So botched 180 or not, I am not sure that it mattered.
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