# I'm STILL vanilla, damnit



## B-in-B (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi all,

My husband and I have been together for 8 years; rather early in, he expressed that he was interested in being tied up or spanked or other pretty innocent things.

I was pretty open to trying some new things out in the bedroom, but as time went on, it became more and more frequent, eventually culminating with him sharing with me that he has always been submissive in the kinky way, and has reached the point where he only gets real satisfaction out of a kinky experience.

I'm low-drive. I can't think of a fantasy I have (a single one!); my husband has asked what I masturbate to, and I hadn't really thought about it before. For him, it is clear as day, and for me, it's thick as mud.

We've had this talk several times over the last several years, and each time I feel horrible for not being able to grow into this with him. I really struggle with filling the role he desires (me dominating him), but I can't define WHY. I feel like I have tried to understand kink better, but there is always part of me that didn't come along for the ride. Plus, this has been something I've been "working on" for years now; what's wrong with me?

We talked last night and ultimately came up with "try just diving deep, no excuses; the only way to fail is to not try".

Are there any others out there who have struggled with fulfilling a kinky spouse that can share some suggestions or tips? There must be more people like me out there!


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

There are some things I have tried with my husband that I wasn't exactly thrilled about doing, but tried them regardless to please him. Maybe you could take a new perspective on it.... like a paradigm shift. Rather than believing this is something *you* have to be totally into to enjoy, just imagine how much it turns your husband on. Maybe if you felt more empowered in knowing that you are sexually satisfying your man and leaving him wanting more, could become a big turn on for you. The other night I gave my man a bj while watching porn and while it wasn't exactly *my* thing per se, (even though it was my suggestion) it was extremely hot for me knowing I was totally pleasing my husband.....


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. People are different, that is all. At least you make the effort. I would suggest reading porn stories and seeing what turns you on.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> I don't think there is anything wrong with you. People are different, that is all. At least you make the effort. I would suggest reading porn stories and seeing what turns you on.


I agree....making an effort and growing....really positive. Keep going.....explore... 








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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Bravo for even being concerned with your husbands needs. My LD wife could give a crap and says that I'm weird for wanting to spice up our ongoing and very infrequent vanilla sex life.


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## B-in-B (Aug 30, 2012)

Thanks for the well wishes, all. I feel like I am trying, but feel like it's not enough. For him, my knowing how important this is to him and holding the keys to make our relationship that much better, and then not immediately acting/changing, really hurts him.

KL, your POV is awesome. I can definitely get behind that. What makes a person feel more sexy than knowing that they're driving someone wild, right? To toot my own horn a little, we do have kinky playtime a few to several times a month (plus a quicky here and there), and he most recently told me that he doesn't want to complain over quality or quantity of our sessions (although more is always better!)... but that what he really wishes from me is that I weren't going through the motions, and honest-to-god try to get into the scene. Jump in the deep end. See what happens.

Again, I appreciate how important this is to him; but sometimes, I feel so frustrated and stupid at not understanding his kink that I want to point out how far I've come and ask him to compromise with me. Is that lazy of me?

I don't know. Every marriage is different. I know you can't grow without taking a risk and seeing what new options are out there. Explore, enjoy, play. Sex shouldn't be this stressful, right?!


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