# down and out



## shattered man

title says it all


----------



## Pluto2

We are all capable of change, on lots of levels, in many ways. This doesn't have to be who you are tomorrow.


----------



## Almostrecovered

often life does things to us that aren't within our control and it sucks

what you can do is control yourself and your actions


----------



## Dollystanford

Down but never out. Just wounded

It might take time but it gets better, bit by bit - just don't expect too much from yourself too early on


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I'm about to be a big ole B and dispense some tough love. I'm really sorry if you are in a fragile state.

PUT ON YOUR BIG BOY PANTS AND HANDLE THIS LIKE A BOSS.

No, it's not fair. But you can sit back and whine and let this define you OR you can make up your mind right now that NOONE (let alone this stranger who used to be your wife) gets to call the shots in your life anymore.

I'd say more but based on your past posts you really just want to whine and vent.


----------



## U.E. McGill

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm about to be a big ole B and dispense some tough love. I'm really sorry if you are in a fragile state.
> 
> PUT ON YOUR BIG BOY PANTS AND HANDLE THIS LIKE A BOSS.
> 
> No, it's not fair. But you can sit back and whine and let this define you OR you can make up your mind right now that NOONE (let alone this stranger who used to be your wife) gets to call the shots in your life anymore.
> 
> I'd say more but based on your past posts you really just want to whine and vent.



Wow. Respect. You beat me to it. 

Don't wish it was easier, wish you were better. (I don't know who sAid it). So go out and make it better!


----------



## shattered man

funny how everyone says go and Get over it...etc....everybody is her for their own reasons.....dont like my posts dont read or comment....,,congrats for you all to have such superior support mechanisms behind the scene.....some of us have nothing at all....thanks for the help'


----------



## Revamped

You want to lay down and die.

But you can't.

Something inside you is still fighting to hang on.
I think you need to listen to it.


----------



## Pluto2

Do you like wallowing?
Poor support mechanisms?

I have no sympathy for your situation. Guess what marriages end. All of ours did.

One of my friends, a man I have known for 25 years just buried his son. The son was coming home from college and got hit by a truck. This is pain and loss, this is the pain that no "support system" ever heals. This man will never get a chance to say things to his son again. But what you are going through. MEH


----------



## Shooboomafoo

I have sympathy for your situation. Pain is difficult in any form, one form does not diminish that of another. 
Seeing this was posted 2 months ago, I hope you are doing better.


----------



## SamuraiJack

shattered man said:


> funny how everyone says go and Get over it...etc....everybody is her for their own reasons.....dont like my posts dont read or comment....,,congrats for you all to have such superior support mechanisms behind the scene.....some of us have nothing at all....thanks for the help'


Okay,
Rather than do this harshly...which you obviosly dont want to hear, Im going to give it a try and explain what people mean when they say "get over it."

Get over it is actually a very old phrase that refers to a mountain or hill in your path. 
The climb is difficult, but there is only one way to do it.
You must "get over it".

Not just a "suck it up buddy!" or "Ahhh just forget about it!"
But actively work towards the goal of getting over this mountain in your life.
Even if its just a little each day, walk towards the top. 
If you stumble or slide, forgive yourself and try again. Maybe even wait til tomorrow to gain strength. 
But ALWAYS focus your goal, which is the top of that mountain.

As to your support system, well thats an interesting thing because in the end we really have nobody but ourselves. 
Sure, they can walk beside you, provide comfort in the form of company and conversation, but in the end it is YOU who must climb that mountain.
You CAN do this.

Know why? 
Because all of us here have had to do something similar.
We all did it with or without people to help.

The fact is you DO have a support system.
They are the people of this very board.
They are willing to help you.

BUT...help will only come to you after you have decided its time to take an ACTIVE role in your recovery.
Without deciding that is what you want, nobody will tolerate it.

Why? Because we have ALL been there and nothing got better for us until we decided to take an active role in our own recovery.

We totally get it.
You have been beaten, drowned, and hung up wet.
It seems like no other person has EVER gone through as much as you...and you might be right.

But so many of us have travelled this path. 
We know when its rough and when things will smooth out. 
We know where good places to rest are and when to cross as well as where.

When we see you going off course, we will tell you.
When we see you get too close to the edge, we can steady you.
When we see that you are needing some encouragement, we will cheer.
We are all proof that this CAN be done.
So ( offers a hand up ) are you ready?


----------



## dental

shattered man said:


> funny how everyone says go and Get over it...etc....everybody is her for their own reasons.....dont like my posts dont read or comment....,,congrats for you all to have such superior support mechanisms behind the scene.....some of us have nothing at all....thanks for the help'


What would you like to hear from the good people here?


----------



## Chuck71

SM.....I remember your first story back in 2012. That was when I was going

through a D with WC...had almost 16 years together. God it was hard...

but once I stepped into the Tao....everything began to make sense. 

Within six months...WC was flushed out of my system. But you have to

want it to happen. Moving on doesn't mean you accept or even understand.

I'm recently out of a near two year deal...it was very painful to watch her leave

but while I am single again, I'm going to live it up. Date whoever I choose,

close a few bars like I did when I was 25. It's okay to miss someone

but you shouldn't make it your central theme. In my case...will she come back

around....yes. They always have with me. But...I may have met someone 

who blows my socks off. But that's the chance UG took. UG may come around

but not have that spark in her eyes she did when we first met. I have to see that.

But I will not pine for her. A watched pot never boils. You have to find it

inside you. Be the best damn dad you can. Your X was not your life...

you just let her be. Once you stop that....you are on the road to recovery.

But it all starts with you. But yes.....I have been where you are brother.

"Get busy living or get busy dying," Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption


----------



## mtpromises

Keep going! There is light to be found in all this.


----------



## tryingpatience

shattered man said:


> funny how everyone says go and Get over it...etc....everybody is her for their own reasons.....dont like my posts dont read or comment....,,congrats for you all to have such superior support mechanisms behind the scene.....some of us have nothing at all....thanks for the help'





SamuraiJack said:


> As to your support system, well thats an interesting thing because in the end we really have nobody but ourselves.
> Sure, they can walk beside you, provide comfort in the form of company and conversation, but in the end it is YOU who must climb that mountain.
> You CAN do this.


There is truth to this. The only person who can really fight your battle is you. When my life fell apart no one could really help me. I was the first to get divorced in my family and they didn't know how to treat me. They walked on egg shells around me. For a time I felt very alone. I started to re-evaluate what happiness meant to me. I began to realize that there were things that I could do for myself that made me happy. Small things at first. Things like sleeping in or eating at a new restaurant. Slowly I began doing more things that made me happy. That's when I began to heal.


----------



## tryingpatience

Not everyone gets to the f*ck it, I don't care stage right away. But you'll get there. Proof of that is in the stories of all the BSs here. The get over it advice sucks to hear sometimes I know. Don't give your ex anymore control over your happiness. Work towards the goal of taking it back from her. Remember, try the small things first.


----------



## Preacher

shattered man said:


> title says it all


You ought to use your single life to strengthen and better yourself for the Lord, now that you are no longer living in idolatry, not to mention with one of Satan's demons in human flesh. Women are not human anymore, ever since Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:6). They are demons wearing human bodies.


----------



## the guy

Preacher said:


> You ought to use your single life to strengthen and better yourself for the Lord, now that you are no longer living in idolatry, not to mention with one of Satan's demons in human flesh. Women are not human anymore, ever since Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:6). They are demons wearing human bodies.



Far out!


----------



## SamuraiJack

Preacher said:


> You ought to use your single life to strengthen and better yourself for the Lord, now that you are no longer living in idolatry, not to mention with one of Satan's demons in human flesh. Women are not human anymore, ever since Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:6). They are demons wearing human bodies.


Is that bongwater I smell?


----------



## FeministInPink

SamuraiJack said:


> Is that bongwater I smell?


Jeezus, I hope so...


----------



## shattered man

again 3 steps forward 10 miles backwards......this has become tiresome and frankly ive stopped seeing any sort of light


----------



## JWTBL

Well, it is February in the north, with Valentine's Day around the corner. What genius picked the most depressing month of the year for a sweetheart holiday? Wouldn't May be a more appropriate month?
No one should feel bad about being depressed on Feb., it's a foregone conclusion as far as I'm concerned. Just my 2 cents.


----------



## AFPhoenix

shattered, 

I know you've heard all the stuff before...co-dependency, counseling, working out...HARD, and finding hobbies. It worked for me. Everyone goes through healing differently I suppose but you really need to find the positive. You'll find your way out and along the way you may perhaps find it made you stronger.


----------



## Chuck71

AFPhoenix said:


> shattered,
> 
> I know you've heard all the stuff before...co-dependency, counseling, working out...HARD, and finding hobbies. It worked for me. Everyone goes through healing differently I suppose but you really need to find the positive. You'll find your way out and along the way you may perhaps find it made you stronger.


Shattered..... you and me started this back in '12.... AFP started his a year 

later. I followed his thread close....I saw a lot of the old me in him.

Check his thread out....


----------

