# In Limbo...



## InLimbo (Dec 28, 2009)

Sorry for babbling...

My Wife & I have been married for 22 years and known each other for at least 5 more...we have 3 kids...23 y/o, 16 y/o, & 12 y/o. My wife left about 3 months ago and still doesn't know how she feels. She initially left because I said some choice curse words around my son, who told her what I said. He still feels him saying something to her is the reason we are separated. She now says that she needs to find herself, that she has lost her identity.

I suggested counseling after 1 week and she set it up with her therapist, who she'd been seeing about anxiety issues. Her anxiety seemed to increase ten-fold after I asked her why she was on facebook and never told me. I had just jumped on there to try and network for job leads, since she lost her job a month before me. I talked to her about being on FB all the time, but she never told me that she was on there. I found out from a friend that she had been on there for several months. She also hid her friends from public view. I asked her why she would hide that from me, since she had told me that us both being out of work would give us a chance to get to know each other again. She told me that I woiuld get angry if I saw some of her friends. 

At the beginning of the 1st session, she said that she didn't know how we could recover from this ever. When she talked about how she fell in love with me, she started crying, and the therapist asked her if she wanted a hug from me...she said no...
The next session, we started digging deeper into our problems. The therapist started addressing some of her issues in the marriage at this session, much like the 1st one for me...she gave us things to work on...the night before our 3rd session, she called me and said that I was bull**** in therapy & that she's done!

That was over a month ago and I've asked her if she wanted to try counseling again...she says "i don't know" and that she needs to work on herself, and that I should work on myself, but in the mean time, the kids are devastated. I've asked her if she wants a divorce, but she said she hasn't done it yet, because it's not on her mind. But, this limbo is killing all of us. I can't get anything out of her as far as how long she needs, etc... She says she doesn't know.

I'm trying to be strong for the kids, but it's destroying me. She doesn't even communicate to me when she's picking up or taking the kids...pretty much how it was when we were married. I have no idea what to do...any help is greatly appreciated.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

What is your gut feeling?
were you guys happy?
What did you say that prompted this?
Do you want her back ( I am guessing yes)
what do you think is going on wioth FB - EA? 
She sounds like she is confused - but she also sounds like she is not being honest...
How long hasn't she been communicating with you?
What do you want?
Do you love her and cherish her?


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## InLimbo (Dec 28, 2009)

Thanks so much for responding knortoh.

What is your gut feeling?
my gut feeling is that she wants me out of her life. She just got an apartment and still says she needs to find herself before working on us. In fact, she says that this is working on US? I don't understand that logic. I just told her today that I can't do this anymore and if we're not working on us that I want out (D) She told me to hold off. She doesn't want a divorce, but she doesn't want to work on trying to mend our relationship. I'm so confused and I feel like I need to get off this ride because now I am sinking deeper into a depression and I've been there and don't want to go back to that empty black hole again.

were you guys happy?
We were happy...I've known my wife for 27 years and married for 22. Things deteriorated when she lost her job in february. 

What did you say that prompted this?
I was just really angry at her one day and said some choice words that my son heard. He told her what I said and she left based on that. Now, my son feels that he is the reason we are apart and blames himself. 

Do you want her back ( I am guessing yes)
Yes, that is my preference, but I can't go through another 3 days, let alone 6 months of this, when her lease is up. 

what do you think is going on wioth FB - EA? 
I don't know, but she kept it hidden from me. She did the same thing 10 years ago and I suspected that she & this guy from work had something going on, but she told me I was crazy and should get over it. This same guy was her first FB friend, so I was taken back, to say the least.

She sounds like she is confused - but she also sounds like she is not being honest...
Yes. She wants space, but doesn't want to try to mend our relationship. But, at the same time, she doesn't want a divorce. I just don't understand.

How long hasn't she been communicating with you?
We have only communicated when I initiated it. It was usually over her not communicating picking up & dropping off the kids, or events that the kids had going on in school. We have had some good talks lately, but she still wants to stay at her apartment and work on fixing herself and that I should work on myself.

What do you want?
I want to at least try to see if we can repair our marriage. If it's not meant to be, then I am fine with that. I'll move on. But, I can't move on because she still "doesn't know" if she'll ever be better.
I have offered to help her, but she doesn't want my help, yet she keeps saying that she wishes someone would rescue her.

Do you love her and cherish her? 
I do love my wife very much. She has helped me become a better person through the years and I know, and I want, to be an even better person, but how can I show her that I WANT to be a better husband, father, etc, if she doesn't even want to try.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

inlimbo,

i dont have much to say except how sorry i am.

i am in what sounds to be the EXACT same boat with you, I dont know what to do either...

i am thing of and will keep you in my prayers... please keep posting

it help to atleast get it out


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## InLimbo (Dec 28, 2009)

Thanks lost.

None of this makes any sense. I'm confused, frustrated, and disintegrating from the inside.

I don't know how long I can keep this up without any progress or attempts to address or even look at what went wrong and how, or if, it can be fixed.

Thanks again.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

In limbo,
you have answered some of your own questions.
I think the main issue for you is that although you want her back you can't stand being treated like this...you need a decision.
If you read through some threads here on this board you will see that everything that your spouse is doing is fairly consistent with other spouses who want out...
they often say they are confused and want to find themselves...

perhaps she really is confused - but if this is the case why not work together with counselling.

I am not sure what the issues were in the relationship but if she isn't wanting to work on them there is not a whole lot that you can do other than protect yourself 

You actually sound pretty together for someone in your position.

But hey it's a long time to be together - can't imagine it would be easy for either of you to walk away...

one other question
did this come out of the blue?


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## InLimbo (Dec 28, 2009)

The issues have been slowly deteriorating since she started seeing a counselor in april. She has gotten worse since seeing this therapist and has now moved into her own apartment. She has lied to me about little things, like having a new phone number and actually recruiting the kids to lie to me about them/it. She agreed to go to counseling and we just had our first session last night. After it, I found myself feeling that I want to end this marriage so that I can move on with my life. I have been making progress towards fixing and healing myself and going to the session last night actually put me a step back. I don't know how long I can exist like this and I told her that. That is when she agreed to go to counseling. She offered that she wasn't doing it to string me along and she also offered that as long as neither of us is having an affair, counseling would be an option. I just found out from my daughter that about a month after my wife left to live with her mom, she left to live with my oldest daughter because her mom asked her if she was having an affair. I'm not sure what to make of that. It's also interesting to note that that's about the time that my wife pulled out of our initial attempt to go to counseling. Also, after that point, she broke off all communications with me and started pursuing her own apartment.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Sounds like a typical women who puts her family needs ahead of her own and lost who she was by giving so much for her family. The FB is an out and a way to rediscover old friends and who she used to be. This is a phase. It could turn into an EA/PA with somebody else cause he would be something NEW.. Yet obviously it would be a mistake that she ould have to dig out from. My advise.. Give her what she wants. Space to breath.. if you don't you will lose her. If you give her space there is a chance she will see the error of her ways. If she doesn't then you would have lost her any way..


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## InLimbo (Dec 28, 2009)

Thanks Husband. I'm not sure how long I can hold out waiting for her. I found some cell records of a number of a guy that lives right around the corner from where her apartment is. I'm not sure why she would be calling this person...it doesn't make any sense. I almost feel as if she feels sorry for me and that is why she agreed to go to counseling again. She commented about the price for our sessions being a bit expensive, yet she had no problem withdrawing $4000 from our account to get her apartment. She also said in counseling last night that she hasn't had a moment to think about things since she got in her apartment, which has been 2 weeks at this point. She says that she's been busy all the time. I have the kids 4 to 5 days a week, so I don't understand how she could have no time to be alone and think like she said she wants to. My youngest daughter said that she is on the computer all the time when she is with her mom...it seems that she is using IM almost exclusively. She was doing the same thing here before she picked up and left. Whenever I would enter the room, she would minimize her windows and log off. Then, she would go to my son's PC and continue with the IM chats. If I went upstairs, she would log out and go back downstairs to the laptop. I'm not sure what to make of this, but it doesn't sound right.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Think about it. She could be talking to people about what your going through just like you are here.. My wife was the same way on FB.. In fact every time she left the room she would log out or minimize her chat or not look at them when I was around.. Still she needs her privacy. it might not make sense but she needs to breath if she is going to see the errors. I am not saying for you to be a doormat. Just unless you have proof of something i wouldn't jump to conclusions. I know where you are and my wife did it 2 times to me. Most men would have run for the hills but as I said less then 3 months after we started she was coming back and now begging me not to leave. Even yesterday she told me she sees me leaving her eventually.. hang in there and be strong and confident.


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## InLimbo (Dec 28, 2009)

well, i now have conclusive evidence that my wife has been having an affair, which looks like it started 2 weeks before she left. So, this whole time, and now, she has been stringing me along while she runs around with guys that write sexually vulgar stuff on their profile, promising oral sex and the like. This goes completely against her wanting a man that's family-oriented. This guy actually creeps me out and I fear for her safety, as well as the kids. She snuck out one night @ 11:30PM from her apartment while the kids were with her...unbelieveable! I'm thinking I need to get off this ride...any feedback is appreciated.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Wow inlimbo, I hate to say it but it sounds like if this is what she wants, you don't want your children exposed to that kind of behaviour. You also need to get sole custody of the kids to keep them safe and you seem to have enough proof to do that. I am very sorry.


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## InLimbo (Dec 28, 2009)

I have phone records, EZ Pass records, text messages, an online dating site that she's on saying she's divorced?! Should I hire a PI to get photos and such or won't it matter much?


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

It matters to you but bare in mind every bit of information you get is gonna tear you up a little bit more. I did the same thing after my husband told me i dont love you any more. That hurt but didnt sound right to me so I started recording him when I was gone. I got what I was looking for, Him telling someone else how much he loved them. Im sorry for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

In limbo - sorry for your discovery.
While you are running on adrenilin get things sorted asap.
good luck


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