# Can anyone helps - I have no idea what this is...



## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Hello everybody, thanks to anyone that reads this. I am really struggling with how confused I feel over this and I'd appreciate it so much for anyone who can read and give me feedback on what /why this all took place.

In early Feb, I was online dating and matched with someone a few miles from me and we spend a little while talking. Then he told me he was just visiting and actually lived almost 4 hours away from me. I said that I was really looking for a committed relationship with someone who was available / local and straight forward and he said he understood, but as we'd clicked so well why didn't I engage him for just a little bit longer to see how we got on. I agreed to talk a bit more and the more we talked, the more I liked him. 

This escalated. He kept calling and I kept answering.

It's best here to explain out contrasting life situations as they're very different and his is less than ideal:

_ME: live on my own, one almost grow child, financial comfortable, not married, work for myself in a job I can do from anywhere so very easy for me to move / travel or whatever.

HIM: going through a nasty and painful divorce, financially very unstable due to legal wrangles, unable to sell the shared family home so both him and the soon-to-be ex wife share the same house still, strange custody arrangement due to house share means they have responsibility for the kids on alternate days, he has very young children, he works for himself also but in a job where he needs to be there every day._

So basically, he's in a messy situation but when I raised my concerns on that, he assured me that he was looking for something really serious with someone and that he had time / intention and capability to deliver and be emotionally available. So we continued talking but it ended up being that he was avoiding meeting me and I got frustrated and figured that he was having cold feet so I accepted this gracefully and wished him all the best. I thought it was over and I started dating someone else.

A month and a half passed by with no contact and I and then we ended up talking one night when I was feeling a bit low and down on dating. I asked him if he was seeing someone else, and he said he had been for a couple of weeks but that there was no connection and he asked me to come and visit him.

So I was all set on Monday to book my tickets and hotel to go on this visit, and then he messages me and says he's sorry but he's seeing someone and can't see me. 24 hours previously he wasn't, but now he is, and he's sorry. I asked why the change in 24 hours and he said she was someone he's seen a few times but they firmed things up suddenly. 

So here I am, so confused and baffled....can anyone explain why people do stuff like this?


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Why would you tolerate this from a man you've never even met in person? This guy sounds like a train wreck, and my opinion is that you are setting yourself up for some serious heartache. Go no contact and move on. Seriously there is better out there.


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## LouaLea (Oct 31, 2013)

Normally I read this site and feel I have nothing to offer in the way of advice. I am amazed by how perceptive the regular posters seem to be. 

However in this case I hear alarm bells as it sounds amazingly like my experience. I will assume you are in the US or otherwise it could be the same man.. its that close to my experience.

Same first contact, same way he professed such a connection, same intensity initially, bombarding with messages, using humour, same confused home situation, uncaring wife, financial concerns, look after his children same blah blah blah with obstacles but oh he would like to see me, hug me blah blah..

He was married and the online "thing" was his way of finding his next affair. Serial adulterer.. big time.

I dodged a bullet with that one, hope you do too.
Then again I could be very wrong and I will assume wiser heads will put me in my place.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Edit to say: he sounds like a flake.

Let it go. Be thankful that you dodged a bullet.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Well, for starters, given the reduced contact, it kind of seems to be that maybe him and his wife are maybe trying to work things out. You say that they're in the middle of a messy divorce, but you also say that they continue living together. It also sounds like he may be torn between you and her, and would really like to meet you to see if things could possibly go somewhere. It almost sounds like both you and his wife are Plan B here. Personally, I wouldn't invest anymore time into this long distance thing you have with him.

However, if you HAD really wanted to meet up, YOU could've made that happen. You said yourself that your job is easier to manage in various places, so to me, it would've made way more sense for you to go see him. 

Reading more of your message now, once you start dating someone exclusively, you really should cut off all contact with the other men that you were weeding out/seeing, as it really isn't fair to the new boyfriend at all. 

Can I ask how old you guys are?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Colette2 said:


> HIM: going through a nasty and painful divorce, financially very unstable due to legal wrangles, unable to sell the shared family home so both him and the soon-to-be ex wife share the same house still, strange custody arrangement due to house share means they have responsibility for the kids on alternate days ... So basically, he's in a messy situation but when I raised my concerns on that, h*e assured me that he was looking for something really serious with someone and that he had time / intention and capability to deliver and be emotionally available.*


MAJOR LIE #1, not to mention one of the largest red flags ever. This character claimed he was out to have a major relationship while going through a messy divorce. No. Just. No.



Colette2 said:


> And to be honest, I was just hurt and angry that instead of trying to see me he was letting the embryonic relationship we had fall away *and reducing out communication to drunken calls* where we couldn't resolve anything.
> 
> The problem was, it was mostly text messages and no real conversations and he seemed to be asking me to visit *instead of trying to make the effort himself*.
> 
> ...


^^THIS.^^ Trying to figure out why ANYONE does what they do is pretty much wasted energy. But I think it's time for YOU to ask yourself why this guy is renting so much space in your head. Because he obviously isn't worth it. I'm going to hazard a guess here that he's got a bit of a drinking problem. People can often say and do inconsistent/nonsensical things when drinking.

So you dodged a HUGE bullet. Don't waste another second of your time on this loser. Waaaayyyyyyy too much drama occurred before you even met him. SERIOUSLY.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

All the reasons to run away from this guy are all in your original post. Go back and read it and count the number of red flags in it.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

The situation is like an extreme episode of Catfish. Run away as fast as you can from this wreck so it doesn't turn into an episode of Criminal Minds.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Well, for starters, given the reduced contact, it kind of seems to be that maybe him and his wife are maybe trying to work things out. You say that they're in the middle of a messy divorce, but you also say that they continue living together. It also sounds like he may be torn between you and her, and would really like to meet you to see if things could possibly go somewhere. It almost sounds like both you and his wife are Plan B here. Personally, I wouldn't invest anymore time into this long distance thing you have with him.
> 
> However, if you HAD really wanted to meet up, YOU could've made that happen. You said yourself that your job is easier to manage in various places, so to me, it would've made way more sense for you to go see him.
> 
> ...


Thanks Ursula. I can't respond to your first statements because anything could be true and I really have no idea. He was so flaky and weird that obviously something was not true. I didn't go and meet him because my gut told me something was off. We're mid 30s. I am not sure what you mean about the exclusive dating, as I wasn't dating anybody but I did start to look / speak to people once it became clear he was flaking on me.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Run Forest Run....................


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

Catfish City!!!! Haven't you seen one of those shows...or at least heard about this? No more contact ... Get him out of your head ... Move on.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Colette2 said:


> Hello everybody, thanks to anyone that reads this. I am really struggling with how confused and anxious I feel over this and I'd appreciate it so much for anyone who can read and give me feedback on what /why this all took place.
> 
> In early Feb, I was online dating and matched with someone a few miles from me and we spend a little while talking. Then he told me he was just visiting and actually lived almost 4 hours away from me. I said that I was really looking for a committed relationship with someone who was available / local and straight forward and he said he understood, but as we'd clicked so well why didn't I engage him for just a little bit longer to see how we got on. I agreed to talk a bit more and the more we talked, the more I liked him.
> 
> ...


*@Colette2 : He's giving you a free sample of what he'd behave like if he were engaged in a relationship with him!

Give him the air! You deserve forthrightness and honesty! Not some old fart playing egotistical games with you!*


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Colette2 said:


> Thanks Ursula. I can't respond to your first statements because anything could be true and I really have no idea. He was so flaky and weird that obviously something was not true. I didn't go and meet him because my gut told me something was off. We're mid 30s. *I am not sure what you mean about the exclusive dating, as I wasn't dating anybody* but I did start to look / speak to people once it became clear he was flaking on me.


Hi @Colette2, here is the part of your original post that made me think you were dating someone else:



Colette2 said:


> I was pretty upset, but to be honest, I had figured for a few weeks that he was having cold feet so I accepted this gracefully and wished him all the best. *I thought it was over and I started dating someone else.*


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Thanks everybody. Your responses are helping me realise I didn't lose anything. I know reading that it's easy to think "what a jerk", but when you're in it and you've spent so much time talking to a person and feel trust and attachment it's so difficult to really realise or accept the person is lying or playing with you. It's hard to believe when you're in it - but I can see the objective opinions are much more on par with reality.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Hi @Colette2, here is the part of your original post that made me think you were dating someone else:


Oh yes, but that was after I thought it was done. 

I am pretty sure (99%) this guy was dating other people and not telling me, but sadly for me, I was completely "faithful" to the jerk and waiting here like a fool expecting it to all come together.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Hi @Colette2, here is the part of your original post that made me think you were dating someone else:


And the lightbulb went off and I just realised what you actually meant. 

I went on a couple of dates with someone. Nothing transpired from it. No exclusivity, sex or anything. I was still hung up on Mr Internet.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Colette2 said:


> Oh yes, but that was after I thought it was done.
> 
> I am pretty sure (99%) *this guy was dating other people* and not telling me, but sadly for me, I was completely "faithful" to the jerk and waiting here like a fool expecting it to all come together.


 I'm pretty sure he's married and either looking for a side piece or just entertaining himself. When you said you'd go see him you would see what was up, so he shut it down right then.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

This guy sounds like a player to me. I mean how inappropriate is it to tell you that he had sex with another woman and dumped her? My guess is the guy is a major horn-dog. Move on and look at what happened as a learning experience. You deserve a helluva lot better than what this man had to offer.


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