# Cheap/Selfish Husband



## santaanna (Aug 4, 2016)

I have been married for about 2 years, dating 7 years, recently my husband accidentally lost my debit cards, credit cards, ID and phone. I didn't get upset. HAS NOT offered to pay for my phone. Gave me $40.00 then asked for it back because he saw "I didn't use it", and saw that I received a credit card and kept telling me to use "my fancy credit card". (Which was also lost). I think he is intimidated because I make 90K and have a steady career (nurse) and he's just kind of in a meaningless job...he is also very manipulative...always says he doesn't have enough to help pay the bills. Keeps claiming that he's broke. He makes about 40-50K and I PAY ALL THE BILLS. he only pays for his car insurance and 200/month for parking. Im ready to pack my bags!


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

How did he lose your stuff? 

Why can't you guys make a deal to solve your monetary issues? 
If you want to salvage this marriage, have an honest calm conversation about doing a budget for who pays for what & when etc. 

How's he broke if you pay all the bills? 




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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Why have you allowed this to happen where he is basically a freeloader?

Are all your earnings maintained in a joint account or two separate individual accounts?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

santaanna said:


> I have been married for about 2 years, dating 7 years, recently my husband accidentally lost my debit cards, credit cards, ID and phone. I didn't get upset. HAS NOT offered to pay for my phone. Gave me $40.00 then asked for it back because he saw "I didn't use it", and saw that I received a credit card and kept telling me to use "my fancy credit card". (Which was also lost). I think he is intimidated because I make 90K and have a steady career (nurse) and he's just kind of in a meaningless job...he is also very manipulative...always says he doesn't have enough to help pay the bills. Keeps claiming that he's broke. He makes about 40-50K and I PAY ALL THE BILLS. he only pays for his car insurance and 200/month for parking. Im ready to pack my bags!


1. invest in yourself so that you can handle a difficult conversation with him.

2. this problem will take time to resolve.

3. Be firm. I call it communicating from a point of strength. Stand with the facts and do not waiver. He will use his emotions in attempt to knock you away from your position.


Option 1 is for all funds to be combined and thus all payments are taken from the combined funds. Then, both of you have to work together to manage money.

Option 2 is for you to come up with a reasonable amount of bills for him to pay.

Finances are *not* the problem. The problem is communication. If you do not work on the communication, there can be no relationship or financial harmony. Your actions/reactions have to be on the table, as well as his.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> Why have you allowed this to happen where he is basically a freeloader?
> 
> Are all your earnings maintained in a joint account or two separate individual accounts?


Would the woman be a free-loader if this was the opposite situation?

The issue is why do you have separate monies if you are married?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Herschel said:


> Would the woman be a free-loader if this was the opposite situation?


Based on the OPs tone where she is calling her husband cheap/selfish, if the roles were reversed I would say the same thing about the woman. It sounds like one person in the relationship is spending at will expecting the other to pick up the slack financially, not a gender issue IMO.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

santaanna said:


> I have been married for about 2 years, dating 7 years, recently my husband accidentally lost my debit cards, credit cards, ID and phone. I didn't get upset. HAS NOT offered to pay for my phone. Gave me $40.00 then asked for it back because he saw "I didn't use it", and saw that I received a credit card and kept telling me to use "my fancy credit card". (Which was also lost). I think he is intimidated because I make 90K and have a steady career (nurse) and he's just kind of in a meaningless job...he is also very manipulative...always says he doesn't have enough to help pay the bills. Keeps claiming that he's broke. He makes about 40-50K and I PAY ALL THE BILLS. he only pays for his car insurance and 200/month for parking. Im ready to pack my bags!


Since your H feels you don't need the phone because you don't use it simply stop paying one of the bills(cable/internet) that you feel your H does not need because he really does not use it. 

$200.00 a month for parking? Time to move.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> Since your H feels you don't need the phone because you don't use it simply stop paying one of the bills(cable/internet) that you feel your H does not need because he really does not use it.


He asked for the $40 back because she did not spend the $40. Not the phone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm confused. 

Do you two have your own bank accounts or a joint account?

He says that he does not have enough money to pay the bills. But you say that you pay the bills. So what bills does he not have enough money to pay?

Do you have a savings? Or do both of you basically spend all that you earn?

You say that you are ready leave. So why not leave?


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## Girl820 (Aug 4, 2016)

Would it help if you both had a your's, mine and ours with money? When he says he's broke, does he tell you how? Does he have debts? If his only expense is the parking lot fee, where does the rest of his income go... Is he saving it for something?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> He asked for the $40 back because she did not spend the $40. Not the phone.


Yes, I understand. :smile2:l


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## oskar (Aug 4, 2016)

Didn't you know this was going to happen when you got married?


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

santaanna said:


> I have been married for about 2 years, dating 7 years, recently my husband accidentally lost my debit cards, credit cards, ID and phone. I didn't get upset. HAS NOT offered to pay for my phone. Gave me $40.00 then asked for it back because he saw "I didn't use it", and saw that I received a credit card and kept telling me to use "my fancy credit card". (Which was also lost). I think he is intimidated because I make 90K and have a steady career (nurse) and he's just kind of in a meaningless job...he is also very manipulative...always says he doesn't have enough to help pay the bills. Keeps claiming that he's broke. He makes about 40-50K and I PAY ALL THE BILLS. he only pays for his car insurance and 200/month for parking. Im ready to pack my bags!


You didn't get upset, but now you are?

Credit cards and such get lost all the time...just call the bank, have the old ones canceled (so nobody else can use them), get new ones, and update the info for all the auto-paid bills. I'm guessing you use a debit card for the bills, and credit only for those urgent/emergency things for which your emergency account is inadequate.


There's really not enough info here to evaluate cheap or not...it has more to do with one's attitude toward the preference to spend money versus save money. Cheap usually means someone so averse to spending that they risk health or life - not repairing the vehicle, etc.

If you have debt, did he rack it up, or did you? There's an interesting clue for fiscal responsibility....


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## oskar (Aug 4, 2016)

This sounds like one of those ever so common situations where people get married despite huge warning signs because "love will find a away".

These sort of things don't magically get better. In fact they usually get worse for one of the two people, the one who is being taken advantage of by another person who knew full well what they were getting into.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

FOLKS - you don't understand until you've been in this situation!!

First off, you don't know the person's finances when you get married. No one taught me to pull a credit report or ask about debt! I was young and stupid. After I married my wife I found out her dad paid her car insurance and she'd never bought a car (still hasn't and she is 50). Her dad stocked her fridge! I was self sufficient at 18, school on the GI Bill and worked. I didn't ask these questions b/c it was foreign to me that someone's parents would pay their way - she was 26.

Let me guess. When asked for money he says, "I don't have it.. sorry". End of story? See as long as you (and I) will pay the bills, the "always broke spouse" knows we will not let the gas, lights and water be cut off and will make the mortgage payment.

Why 2 accounts?? B/c when she had access to my savings she TOOK money out of it repeatedly without telling me. "I was short this month". I would scream and stamp my feet. She would cry and say she would never do it again. Then she would do it again. FINALLY after years of stupidity on my part I started a secret savings acct. In one year I had $24k in it. She finally found out and demanded I tell her how much was in it and give her access. I said, "HELL NO - you have proven you will take money out".

Dealing with a person like this is HELL. And finally around the 16 year mark I threatened to leave and was packing my **** when I saw she had a credit card (she wasn't allowed to have those) with $2k on it. I know it isn't much, but that is how it starts. Finally, she stopped running up credit cards.

Today, I make $140k and she makes $85k and I pay: 100% my son's tuition, Mortgage, electricity, gas, yard guy, Home/car insurance and do you think she ever reaches for the dinner tab? She pays: health insurance and 1 car payment and groceries. She always runs out of money. But she always has money for Spray tan, Botox, diet pills, hair and nails.

You guys don't understand how it is dealing with a professional broke person.

Sigh....Rant over.


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## oskar (Aug 4, 2016)

jarhed said:


> First off, you don't know the person's finances when you get married. No one taught me to pull a credit report or ask about debt! I was young and stupid.


Not everyone rushes into a lifelong commitment without doing their homework. Sure lots of people just go for it like you did and then they find out they made a huge mistake and it costs them big time.

Dealing with a person like this is HELL. 



jarhed said:


> You guys don't understand how it is dealing with a professional broke person.


You're not dealing with one either.

You're completely avoiding confrontation and resolution, and allowing her to run all over you.

You were young and stupid - as you put it- and got married without checking her background and finances. But you're STILL making a mistake every single day when you allow this situation to continue.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

oskar said:


> Not everyone rushes into a lifelong commitment without doing their homework. Sure lots of people just go for it like you did and then they find out they made a huge mistake and it costs them big time.
> 
> Dealing with a person like this is HELL.
> 
> ...


I've had successes: I DO pull a credit report on her from time to time. She has not debt. She has no access to savings, so that is safe.

Fails: Getting her to pay more of the bills. I haven't given up yet. I did a spread sheet a few weeks ago and am pushing to make her take over more. Getting past the "I don't have it" is a huge obstacle. Suggestions? She isn't missing any tans or Botox appointments.

Caveat: She is coming into a sh1t ton of money in inheritance.


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## oskar (Aug 4, 2016)

jarhed said:


> Caveat: She is coming into a sh1t ton of money in inheritance.


Don't think for a single minute she'll be sharing any of that with you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jarhed said:


> FOLKS - you don't understand until you've been in this situation!!
> 
> First off, you don't know the person's finances when you get married. No one taught me to pull a credit report or ask about debt! I was young and stupid. After I married my wife I found out her dad paid her car insurance and she'd never bought a car (still hasn't and she is 50). Her dad stocked her fridge! I was self sufficient at 18, school on the GI Bill and worked. I didn't ask these questions b/c it was foreign to me that someone's parents would pay their way - she was 26.
> 
> ...


Are you saying that the OP is the one who is spending money like water? Or that her husband is?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jarhed said:


> I've had successes: I DO pull a credit report on her from time to time. She has not debt. She has no access to savings, so that is safe.
> 
> Fails: Getting her to pay more of the bills. I haven't given up yet. I did a spread sheet a few weeks ago and am pushing to make her take over more. Getting past the "I don't have it" is a huge obstacle. Suggestions? She isn't missing any tans or Botox appointments.
> 
> Caveat: She is coming into a sh1t ton of money in inheritance.


If you want to talk about your own situation, please start your own thread as this is hijacking this thread.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Are you saying that the OP is the one who is spending money like water? Or that her husband is?




No/. I'm saying you guys can't relate to having a spouse that just WON'T contribute! And no- I'm not starting another thread- I was trying to convey the frustrations of a responsible spouse when faced with a selfish person who will not pull their share of the load. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jarhed said:


> No/. I'm saying you guys can't relate to having a spouse that just WON'T contribute! And no- I'm not starting another thread- I was trying to convey the frustrations of a responsible spouse when faced with a selfish person who will not pull their share of the load.


Then stop making the thread about yourself.

Why do you assume that other posters on here can't relate to this situation? It's not unique. Not by a long shot.

The OP has not given enough info. It's not clear if she is coming back. Until she does give more info, there really is not a lot more that can be said.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Did he apologize for losing your stuff?

Create a financial system, after discussing. Keep separate accounts for yourselves and a joint account you each contribute to common expenses proportional to your income.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What a loser!

But you? On a salary of $90,000 you are in the top 10-15% of nurses in the USA and must have worked hard for many years to gain that level of salary. 

I suspect you may also have your Masters in nursing, too?

So, why are you with such a mean loser?

You should pack your bags. Before Captain Loser manages to sell, oops! lose those, too.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

jarhed said:


> FOLKS - you don't understand until you've been in this situation!!
> 
> First off, you don't know the person's finances when you get married. No one taught me to pull a credit report or ask about debt! I was young and stupid. After I married my wife I found out her dad paid her car insurance and she'd never bought a car (still hasn't and she is 50). Her dad stocked her fridge! I was self sufficient at 18, school on the GI Bill and worked. I didn't ask these questions b/c it was foreign to me that someone's parents would pay their way - she was 26.
> 
> ...


My ex is worse. His whole family does it to me too. And i am the women. Damn.


It doesn't get better. It gets worse. Counselling may not help. It's so deeply ingrained in them. 

Dont think yours will be any different


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

tripad said:


> My ex is worse. His whole family does it to me too. And i am the women. Damn.
> 
> 
> It doesn't get better. It gets worse. Counselling may not help. It's so deeply ingrained in them.
> ...


How long until you left him?? Please say you got out early!!


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

jarhed said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > My ex is worse. His whole family does it to me too. And i am the women. Damn.
> ...



I didn't leave early. I kept it a secret from all and he played the good husband in public and everyone thought I was in bliss. 

I didn't leave when he begged on his knees for me to pay his debt of 130 k ( and this is not the first time) promising to change. He was good for a year. I actually thought nightmare is over. 

Then nightmare with him n his family started again the moment contact with his family started. This time, he knew I won't pay anymore so he started hitting me when we argued about money . Then I wanted to leave when he hit me in front of my kids. 

He begged me to stay. I pondered. I stayed but pursued the money issue and he hit me again n again whenever I bring up the issue. 

Some things people tell me woke me. 

1) a guy friend said this. He can't get what he wants by hitting you. He will proceed to hit the children. 

2) the counsellor said it's deeply ingrained in him n it will takes years to recover, if at all 

3) the counsellor said history of 18 years with him repeats constantly. What makes you think the next few years will change. 

4) the counsellor said normal people has fear and once is enough and they would thank the wife for a second chance. Moreover you bailed him out. He has no fear, hence no remorse, hence history repeats and will continue. 


I didn't know this till during divorce, but he tried to trapped me to stay. 

He offered himself to be hit by me since I was fuming over his violence. I took the bait. He secretly filed police n medical report n took video of me hitting him. During divorce, he used those on me. I hired top lawyers for my divorce and my lawyers retorted that we will call my children to witness stand if he wants to come face to face with them there. He dropped it. 

I was devastated. I married a useless cheater. What is worse, I married the devil.

During the divorce, my gf warned me, beware. I said no, he is not that bad. How wrong. He tried to cheat me of our home and even cheat on child support. I was prepared to lose everything. I was depressed. I had to move on. I had kids. 

I worked harder n my income grew. I fought the legal case. I won most of it. 

He had his karma. Lost his job admist his newly accumulated debts tog with his family. Must be in deep ****. Tried to worm back to me, telling my helper he regrets the divorce n love the children n I have gotten slimmer n prettier ( I lost 12 kg so i am looking really sexy now lol) . Didnt work.

Anyhow, he just got a job a few days ago 
I am glad for him so I don't have to worry about his mental state ( since he still sees the children) he can handle his own debts now.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

It's my view when a couple is married it's no longer hers and his money. It's our money , regardless of who's paying what . It's we paid for this , we are saving for that etc. He may also be feeling a little inadequate and intimidated by his wife being the bread winner perhaps? maybe work out ways he can contribute financially, for example he pays for the groceries. Anyways that how my hubby and I view money. Hope it might help you. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

santaanna,

Are you still reading here? Could you please answer my questions? I think that there are things that can help you out here but there is more info needed so we can help you.

If I understand your situation correctly, I get your frustration as I too was is a marriage where things were similar.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It seems he has self-diminished his responsibilities, probably because he has been allowed to gradually over time so it is futile to think this will snap back quickly.

That he created serious hardship for you and was so lackadaisical is concerning... he either is so far over his head in his error that he cannot think straight and without the proper skills to repair or he simply doesn't respect you enough to be worried about your hardship.

If he is making 40-50k a year, this is a living wage especially with you contributing double. I have always believed in common marital fund pots, except when this happens.

If you are not in separate accounts, it may be wise to split off the accounts into 3... one is yours, one is his, one is household.

Yours and his are clear, the household one is a fluid account that you EACH contribute 50% of ALL household bills to... insurances, parking, phone, rent/mortgage, utilities... everything his and yours. In this account, you have standing orders (auto pays) going into monthly from your individual accounts in, then monthly bills paid automatically out of, each equal. No surprises, no short funds for bills, no worry about timeliness.

Any credit cards should be in individual names, although remember that one's debt affects the other.

If he doesn't agree to this, or becomes disrespectful in honoring this, then your path is clear...


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