# Lost....



## shattered74 (Nov 30, 2012)

Hello all

It appears a backstory is the way to go with these things so here goes....I apologise in advance for the length and Im upset so I hope it makes sense.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. We have 2 beautiful daughters aged 3 and 6. We were the perfect couple until we had children. We both (especially my wife) had a hard time adjusting to the change in lifestyle compared to the freedom we had once had. It taxed our marriage and instead of pulling together for the kids we found ourselves turning against each other on the smallest of stresses. I dont want to give the wrong impression that the marriage was completely horrible or that we do not love our children but times were difficult. We built a new house 2 1/2 years ago and my wife landed her dream job after being stuck in one she despised for quite some time. I switched positions at work to accomodate the kids for daycare but it left us with little time for each other as I worked long hours and midnights.
Almost a year after starting her new position we had another couple over for some drinks and to watch a game. I noticed her texting quite a bit on her phone and she was being a little over protective of it. The couple left and we were on our way up to bed. I pretended to go up the stairs and snuck back down. Found my wife at the sink texting and tried to grab the phone. She quickly ran to the bathroom and tried to lock the door and I pushed it open. I asked her to hand me the phone and she shook her head no. I asked her who she was texting and she said her sister and that it was personal. I knew it was a lie by the look on her face and told her if she didnt hand the phone to me she could leave. After getting the phone from her I see that the name is a co workers and the message is "thanks youre hot too". I lose my cool and scream and yell. She tells me its nothing, just innocent flirting. She knows its wrong and she will stop. I have some guy friends that do similar with girls they work with so I buy it. I tell her no more texting and I leave it at that.
Flash forward a few months and my senses are tingling again. I install a few programs on our computer to monitor everything from keys typed to screen shots every 6 seconds. She has been going for walks quite a bit, 3-4 times a week as exercise. Usually lasts about 30 minutes but I suspect she is talking to this guy still. I wait until I am working midnights and make up a story about how I need her password for her online cell phone bill to check it against mine to make sure we are being billed the same. She tells me she cant rememeber it and she will have to find it. When I come home from work the next morning I get the kids off to school and daycare and come back to the computer monitoring program. The minute she had hanged up with me she went and logged into her cell account to check it. I now had her password and checked it myself. Maybe out of 12 walks she talked to the guy 3-4 times for 10-30 minutes. I wait until she comes home and have the printouts ready. I ask her if she is still talking to him....she tells me no. I ask her if she is lying, again no. I pester and pester her until she finally admits, yes she is talking to him. I show her the phone records. She breaks down and cries and tells me shes sorry. I ask her if its physical and she says no way, we are just friends, I like talking to him. I ask for a divorce. She tells me she doesnt want one and we agree to counseling. I tell her again that it must end and she agrees. I ask her to switch jobs and shes hesitant...she loves her job and doesnt want to leave it. I telll her she has to try and she says shell think about it. That was 6 months ago. She never books a counseling appt.

2 weeks ago I wake up to go to work. Its dark in the bedroom and I mistakenly grab her phone and head off. Once I get to work I realise the error but use it as a chance to snoop. I found nothing. Around 8 in the morning I receive a beep that she has a text....figure its from her laughing that I grabbed her phone in error. Its from the guy... says "good morning sweet cheeks". I text back good morning. Nothing. I text back again asking why the **** he is texing my wife and if he would like me to have a talk with his? No response.
I come home and for the second time in 6 months I ask for a divorce. She doesnt seem to resistent this time...says the right things but doesnt have the same conviction. I ask her if she has feelings for him and she says yes. I ask if its physical and she tells me no. I tell her she needs to make a decision, this family and me or him. She cries and tells me she cant, she loves him and me. I pack a suitcase and she begs me not to go. I realise its late and I dont really have too many places to go at 1 in the morning plus I have to get the kids off to school...I tell her to sleep in the basement. 

In the morning she comes to me crying before the kids wake and tells me shes sorry, she'll end it. She cant do this to her family and me. She comes home from work and tells me its over, she went for coffee and told him she couldnt do it anymore. He told her he loves her but she says she cant bear to wake up in the morning without her kids. 

I dont know what to do. Without kids the decision is a simple one....I have a hard time looking at my children and know that they could end up with divorced parents.

She schedules counseling appts for us and makes an effot at home with me. We go to a couple appts and I'm not sure of what to do. Its getting close to Christmas and I am caving a bit. I still love her which makes me even more depressed when I think of what she has done to me. 

The other day I am out with a friend for lunch. He tells me he knows. I play dumb and say "know what?". He says the guys name and my heart sinks. He tells me that my wife confided in one girlfriend and that friend blabbed to all others. Everyone knows. He also lets it slip that he knows theyve slept together at my house. 

I corner my wife yet again in the garage. She denies the sleeping together part for a bit then admits it happened one time close to 6 months ago. It never happened again because they didnt have a chance or time to do it. She confesses everything but swears on the kids it did not happen in the house and proceeds to tell me exactly where and when. I have a hard time believing it happened too many times as she is always home straight after work and very rarely goes out with her girlfriends.

I dont know what to believe. Some of the rumours I heard are definitely untrue as some of them were impossible. One was that he had been on walks with my wife and kids while I'm at work or asleep after night shifts. My wife didnt know but whenever any of those happened I always asked my oldest if anyone else was there or if they saw any friends of moms. She always answered no and I know that my daughter doesnt have the capability of lying yet.My problem is sorting the fake from the true. Sometimes I dont think it matters anyways as she has finally confessed to pretty much the two biggest things...loving him and sleeping with him.

During the length of the affair our sex life never suffered and she still told me she loved me every day....

So here I sit, depressed and on a roller coaster of emotions. I am having anxiety attacks and am dropping weight like crazy.I stare at my children and wonder what future is worse for them... Parents divorced or together and struggling through this.

Not sure what I am looking for as far as support or anything. I guess mostly I just wanted to write it all down in a place where others understand. I appreciate any advice at all...thanks


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Unfortunately it sounds like your getting trickle truth. I would push the issue until you get the whole truth from her about the extent of the physical affair.


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

I'm very sorry for y to be here.

"I dont think it matters anyways as she has finally confessed to pretty much the two biggest things...loving him and sleeping with him". 
What else do y want? I'm afraid y have to play hard ball with her if y want to save your marriage.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Did she go NC with the OM??

Does he have a gf/spouse? If so, you need to tell her

Do you think its over? Does she show remorse?

Im sorry you are here. Going through the same hell you are, it sucks!!


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Sorry you are here, but know that you will also get support from people who has walked in shoes similar to yours.

Have you read the Newbie thread?

You have already learned the concept of trickle truth, but read the threads in this section and educate yourself on ways to respond to a cheating spouse. Have you thought about if you want her as your partner or not?

One correction; if anybody moves, she does. She stepped outside your marriage, she will face the consequences.

Take care of yourself and your health (many forget that). She needs to get tested for STDs before you are intimate again. 

I am sure you will get a lot of support from now on. Take care, it just sucks - I know.


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## shattered74 (Nov 30, 2012)

barbados said:


> Unfortunately it sounds like your getting trickle truth. I would push the issue until you get the whole truth from her about the extent of the physical affair.


I have, she told me most of the details but still says it only happened once. She says partly due to the fact they had no place or time and partly because she felt horrible after and told him so. Again not sure if it's true.... I have her work password and can see when she has used any vacation or appointment time in the last year. There's only the one time she admitted to that I can't account for.
I suppose there could have been the odd lunch time hookup but she almost always calls during lunch and wouldn't have a lot of time. Night time she is always home with myself and the kids. If there were anymore times there couldn't have been many.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm sorry - no one deserves that. 

The issue I can see being impossible to overcome in trying to reconcile is that this is a coworker. Lunch time hookups don't take that long in a car. 

Place call to hubby, tell him you have to go to grab a bite to eat so you can get back to work. Meet up with coworker and drive to a place where you can make out, grope, have sex/bj. Very crude but happens a lot more than you'd think.


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## shattered74 (Nov 30, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Did she go NC with the OM??
> 
> Does he have a gf/spouse? If so, you need to tell her
> 
> ...


Yes he has a spouse and kids. According to my wife she knows and he is in crap but I will be contacting her anyways after Christmas. I have enough respect for the woman's kids to not ruin their Christmas.

She says there is nc but they work together so ofcourse there will be some. She has applied for 3 jobs since as I told her she cannot continue to work there if she thinks there could be any hope for our marriage.

As far as remorse, yes she shows it. Has cried quite a bit. Has told me how she didn't mean for it to go this far. Has opened up and told me how he made her feel and that she wondered if she could feel that way about someone else then maybe she shouldn't be with me. She has told me she doesnt want to divorce or lose her family.

Taking it day by day....some are filled with incredible anger (yesterday ) some with the need to tell her I love her and don't want to lose her (those ones make me feel weak and pathetic).

Thanks for your post


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## shattered74 (Nov 30, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> I'm sorry - no one deserves that.
> 
> The issue I can see being impossible to overcome in trying to reconcile is that this is a coworker. Lunch time hookups don't take that long in a car.
> 
> Place call to hubby, tell him you have to go to grab a bite to eat so you can get back to work. Meet up with coworker and drive to a place where you can make out, grope, have sex/bj. Very crude but happens a lot more than you'd think.


I suppose that's possible... Something tells me it hasn't gone down that way but hey...what do I know right?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

shattered74 said:


> I suppose that's possible... Something tells me it hasn't gone down that way but hey...what do I know right?


You didn't think that you wife would ever sleep with anyone either, right? 

For what it's worth, I'm the cheater in my marriage. For years, my husband bragged that he was so lucky that he was married to a woman that he trusted and would NEVER do anything like that. Yeah, he found out he was wrong too.

The bottom line is that she's lied to you so nothing she says right now holds any weight.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

First- the only chance of saving your marriage is hardball. Everything else fails. here are the facts-
They have slept together for over 6 months. Probably 10-20 times. One thing we do know- cheaters lie and lie badly. She has a record of only telling you what you already know. See the pattern. You need to kick her out and file for divorce (if you want to SAVE the marriage).

She has to immediately agree to the following or you stop communicating with her, just the attorney;
1- write a NC letter and send it
2- agree to a polygraph test
3- agree to an STD test (you need one too asap)
4- agree to quit her job in 6 months
5- give you every password and full access

You need to tell her family, tell his family (His kids Christmas is not on you- he did this to them not you!)


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You have to decide what you want to do for you. I can tell you that staying with her for the kids would be a mistake. 

Remember cheaters lie. As you have seen, the OM is always #1 and she chose him over you, the marriage and your kids.

Some will disagree with me but I do not think a woman can be in love with two men at the same time. Yeah, she never stopped loving you but she was/is in love with him.

Does she want to stay with you because of the kids?
Maybe she is scared of being a single Mom and sees that finances with be hard without you.
If OM is married with children he could have thrown her under the bus to save his own marriage. She still might be in love with him but settling for you.

You have a lot to process. Good luck.

And remember cheaters lie. You can never be sure when you have the entire truth if ever.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

shattered74 said:


> Yes he has a spouse and kids. According to my wife she knows and he is in crap but I will be contacting her anyways after Christmas. I have enough respect for the woman's kids to not ruin their Christmas.
> 
> She says there is nc but they work together so ofcourse there will be some. She has applied for 3 jobs since as I told her she cannot continue to work there if she thinks there could be any hope for our marriage.
> 
> ...


Stop right there. Thats not remorse. 

Tears, wailing, etc all of that is meaningless. That is guilt. Guilt just makes someone feel bad but changes nothing about their actions and personalities

Real remorse is a changing oneself

Has she bought books of how to survive an affair? Has she done any research?

Shes not shown any remorse yet from what you posted, just gone through the motions of R. 

How has she helped you handle triggers?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She's not crying for you or her marriage, she's crying because just lost her OM. That's the only thing which matters to her just now. She's telling you over and over she only stays because she can't share the custody. But she doesn't love you, she doesn't love you as a man. You got place in a different riole time ago, got replaced at her heart.

And this was a full blown PA. The "only once" is typical TT, minimizing, damage control, saving face version. It's about control.

BW needs to be informed yesterday.

I'm so sorry man. Hope wiser posters come to advice you.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

First off, the just once story is a classic. Assume that your wife has slept with the other man many times. Just once over all that time is extremely unlikely and is the one of the most common lines cheaters tell. If it matters to you, schedule a polygraph and ask that question, was there just one time?

If you want to save your marriage, I think you have a halfway decent shot. Your wife still loves you and she doesn't want to hurt you. At the same time, she does not feel like she is "in love" with you. She is "in love" with the other man. T other man is a fantasy, she doesn't see him in all aspects of real life, only as a romantic and sexual partner, never has to worry about chores or kids or finances with him. If you blow up that fantasy, your wife may fall out of love with other man fairly quickly.

Buy a few voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty velcro. Put one under the seat of her car and in the house in places where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around or if she wants privacy. Keylog the computer if you can. Monitor for a few weeks to see if anything still is going on.

After the voice-activated recorders are in place, have a talk with your wife. Get your wife alone, no kids, no interruptions. Tell her that you love her and want to save the marriage. Tell her you are willing to work hard on improving yourself and improving your marriage. Tell her that if she wants to save the marriage, she has 15 minutes to agree to meet your conditions or else you will file for divorce and she can pack up her stuff and go live with the other man. Here are the conditions:

1. She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking losing you, her husband, who is the most important person in the world to her, and that if other man ever attempts to contact her again in any way shape or form, that she will file harassment charges against him with both the police and with human resources. This is the content of the letter, nothing more, nothing less. It begins with other man's name, it ends, "signed" and her name. It contains no terms of endearment, no sorry it didn't work out, nothing else. She gives the letter to you for editing and mailing.

2. She gives you access to all communication devices and accounts, all passwords. She lets you know her whereabouts 24/7. She does not delete any emails, messages, texts, or calls from her devices or accounts - everything gets saved. If you find out anything has been deleted, you will assume the worst. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage. You have agreed to share your lives together. You can have privacy when you go to the bathroom, but there should be nothing phoned, messaged, or texted that your spouse shouldn't be able to see. Married people don't have things to hide from each other. Many if not most married people are NOT constantly checking up on each other, although they could. Would you care if your wife looked at your email or text messages? Would you care if she asked you where you were going or with whom? This is normal stuff EXCEPT for cheaters.

3. She blocks other man on facebook, deletes him from contacts, blocks his number on email, does everything possible to block him from her accounts.

4. She handwrites a letter of apology to you.

5. She gets tested for STDs and gives you the results.

6. If you want the details, she tells you the whole truth about the affair, when it started, how it started, and WHY it started, etc. Tell her to handwrite a timeline of the affair, starting with the first inappropriate contact, and ending with the last time she had contact with him. If the story doesn't make sense, she will take a polygraph to prove her truthfulness.

7. Your wife should destroy all of the clothing she wore when she hooked up with the other man. Shoes, dresses, lingerie, pocketbooks, jewelry, etc. It's a consequence of her cheating. When people know there will be negative consequences, they are less likely to repeat the action. It helps you to feel she truly is repentant and not just giving you lip service. It helps her to make amends to you in a material tangible way, which will make her feel better if she is truly sorry for what she did to you.

8. Your wife has to leave that job immediately. Do not let this be an indefinite "applying for another job" situation. She should leave now and look for work full time until she gets another job.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her. You can only control yourself and what you are willing and not willing to accept in a marriage, and how you react to her actions.

Cheaters are liars. They say anything to get what they want. Talk is cheap. Make her do these actions to show she really wants to save her marriage to you. Do not accept any verbal promises unless they are backed up by actions.

If she doesn't agree to these conditions, file for divorce. She really is not remorseful, not interested in committing to you, just interested in appeasing you with words. Divorce is a long process, if she later agrees to your conditions, you can postpone it to work on your marriage. If she is not willing to accept these conditions, which, if you really look at them, are not that much of a sacrifice on her part to save the marriage and which pale in comparison to what you will have to live with, then you are going to wind up getting divorced down the road anyway; might as well do it now and get it over with and save yourself weeks, months, or maybe even years of the pain of trying to negotiate with a lying cheater.

If she does agree, leave the voice-activated recorders and keylogger in place. This is to verify that the affair truly has ended. You should keep it up until you are comfortable in ending it, but monitor closely for at least two weeks.

Trust is important in marriage. Constantly monitoring is not healthy. However, in the initial few weeks after infidelity is discovered, it can be extremely healthy and helpful in restoring trust. You can cut down on the monitoring as you continue to discover nothing and your trust builds. Or you could catch her continuing the affair, which would save you a lot of time and trouble and heartache.

9. This one is for you, not your wife. You MUST EXPOSE to the other man's wife. Your wife's affair with the other man is taking place in a fantasy world. All she does with him is exchange deep thoughts and feelings, I love you's, and kisses him and has sex with him. There are no chores, no crying kids, no dishes to clean, no meals to cook, no dirty clothes to pick up off the floor. It is a complete fantasy and reality does not intrude. In her mind, other man is an idealized fantasy. There is no way you can compete with that. The only way to compete is to blow it up. End the fantasy. By exposing the affair to the other man's wife, you break up the fantasy. 

Other man likely will throw your wife under the bus. Her view of other man will change drastically. You can exchange notes with the other man's wife and agree to keep each other posted if you notice the affair starting back up. You have another set of eyes monitoring the affair. Other man has something to occupy his time with other than your wife. Plus, if your wife finds out, then you know they still are in contact. If she does find out and say "how could you hurt an innocent party," tell her that she and other man did that, all you did was tell the truth and HELP an innocent party stop being lied to. (Also, don't believe your wife when she says other man's wife already knows about the affair - that is an extremely common lie and almost never true.)

If it weren't for the kids, I would say just dump her, she is more trouble than she's worth. 

If you find out she still is in contact with other man, expose the affair to her and your families and friends. Tell them other man's name, that your wife admitted that she had an affair, and that she refuses to end contact with the other man, breaking up two families with children. Ask for their support of your marriage and your family.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tomorrow go buy yourself a new bed. The one you are sleeping on is no longer fit to be used by you.

She and you then go through all her clothes, shoes, jewelry. Everything she wore or bought for him goes in the trash. All gifts from him go in the trash too.

Next, you wife quits her job Monday. It will give her more time to look for a job. She's lied to you for how long? More than a year? She quits Monday.

Tuesday she takes a polygraph test about how many times and how long they've been having sex.

Wednesday she gets an STD test because affair sex never involves condoms.

Do not believe a single thing she tells you , not a thing, she has repeated lied to you over and over and she is still lying I believe. She will be trying to contact him and hook up, she will be worried about how he is and how she misses him.

I know you don't want to ruin the OMW holidays, but she has a right to know, and the two of you need to compare notes. Talk to her.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Why are you waiting to contact the other mans wife. Let her know NOW. Did you like the fact that your so called "friends" knew about the affair behind your back??????? Why are you doing the same thing to this women. Don't let him have a Happy Christmas after he [email protected]#ked your wife. And why are you allowing her to continue working with him??? She needs to quit her job and have no contact with him. You already Fudged up on the first 2 times you knew something wasn't right and now your procrastinating AGAIN. Don't have sex with her and Both of you get tested for STD's ASAP.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Sorry, you're here with this horror story. If you listen to the advice others here on TAM, it may not save your marriage, but will save your self esteem.
I'm afraid I have nothing to add to what others have said and plan on making this my last post.
It seems that my already too high blood pressure goes up into what is usually reserved for people who are deceased and/or soon to be in the past tense when I read these stories
So I intend to stop reading them and live a little longer.
Good Luck


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Hey Forest Gump .. *don't wait!*


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