# Should I trust again? EA "light" over?



## Jones4 (Jan 17, 2012)

Story is too long to put down here, so the short version is my wife of 3 years met a guy out of town and afterwards, began to e-mail back and forth. It never got x-rated or and words like "love" were certainly never discussed. However, there was plenty of flirting, and it was more than obvious they liked each other. They had met for lunch once and discussions were had about another lunch or drinks. 

I was spying on her e-mail (yep, not proud) and confronted her several times. Each time she would swear she would stop and not do it. We have a child together and are happily married with no real issues. More or less, it was fun/exciting and she let it cloud her judgement. I'm 99.9% sure there is no more contact, but I can't shake it. I've never been distrusting or jealous since we met, but I'm having a hard time believing her these days. 


Anyway, I feel like if I can at least see that something is starting, I can stop it. I have no real reason to believe it will happen with another guy anytime soon...but I'm ultra protective about the marriage now and want to relax! Clearly, if it started with another guy, there are more issues than I'm aware of. We communicate pretty well together and have what I consider a great marriage. 

Our son is 4 and it's our first marriage. We both want it to work and feel like we can't live without each other. Should I just relax until/if I have a reason not to?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Why don't you ask your wife how she would be feeling if the roles had been reversed? She was disrespecting your marriage and she knows it.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

You can relax or you can stay in the state you are in. 

Be aware but not so in deep that you can not even enjoy this marriage you so value.


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## MoMo (Jan 16, 2012)

Hey Jones...........go read my post about "can cheaters quit" and maybe it will give you insight--on what I experienced in forgiving a cheater, as well as replies from actual cheaters on whether or not they will change--good luck!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did you end the EA or is she still in contact with him?


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

Jones4 said:


> Story is too long to put down here, so the short version is my wife of 3 years met a guy out of town and afterwards, began to e-mail back and forth. It never got x-rated or and words like "love" were certainly never discussed. However, there was plenty of flirting, and it was more than obvious they liked each other. They had met for lunch once and discussions were had about another lunch or drinks.
> 
> I was spying on her e-mail (yep, not proud) and confronted her several times. Each time she would swear she would stop and not do it. We have a child together and are happily married with no real issues. More or less, it was fun/exciting and she let it cloud her judgement. I'm 99.9% sure there is no more contact, but I can't shake it. I've never been distrusting or jealous since we met, but I'm having a hard time believing her these days.
> 
> ...


Hey Jones,
I was in a similar situation to you. not the hard-core infidelity that is discussed here routinely, but still quite far in the wrong direction.

You don't say how she met this guy out of town. does she travel on business? just some random encounter? How likely is it that a similar environment would occur again?

I wouldn't beat yourself up about checking her email. you probably felt something was up and turned out to be right. I also wasn't jealous or mistrustful at all before things happened. In retrospect i think my wife actually wanted me to be a little more jealous and aware of her. What you should do now though, is the question. To keep on spying and monitoring, especially if nothing is going on, is draining and will make you feel kind of bad for not trusting. On the other hand, it might be exactly what you need to do to be able to regain trust. The fact that you caught her going back several times is a red flag that she might try to continue this without your knowledge.

What I did is ask for transparency to her emails and facebook, since that's where things were happening. I gave her mine too. This was a little therapeutic on its own, because I'm less tempted to send any email that I wouldn't want her to see, even though i'm pretty sure she's not checking.

If she won't give you her email info or changes that passwords, thats a pretty big flag that she's hiding something.

I also verified that she doesn't have any other secret email accounts through checking browser history and a couple other methods. 

You can also check your cell phone records periodically to make sure that hard to explain numbers aren't popping up.

As for getting her to understand where you're coming from now, BryanP is right. She wouldn't appreciate it if you were doing it to her. And im not sure I'm doing the monitoring thing right but you need to strike a balance between being overbearing about it, and not doing it at all. I think its worthwhile to monitor. If your wife flips out about it, rather than making a big deal about how she lost your trust, I try to explain that its better to find out early than later on something like this and your goal is protecting yourselves from outside garbage.

If you have smartphones you can sometimes use a "find my phone" feature to locate her phone by GPS.

you should consider picking up His Needs Her Needs to try to figure out why she wanted attention from someone else. I.e. is there something you could both be doing to help meet each other's needs a little better.


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## Jones4 (Jan 17, 2012)

Thanks for all of the replies! 

There is a lot more to the story but, I'm not sure I have the energy to get into it. They met at some insurance rep conference out of town. They both didn't know anyone and since they're from the same city, they had that in common and hung out. Mostly in groups, but one night they stayed out in the bars together and got along really well. Mostly spent the time discussing families etc. Still, there was an attraction and I was at least able to confirm via e-mail spying that nothing physical happened. They did love to play the "what if" game afterwards, seems as though that would be pretty exciting. He's married but has no kids. Maybe the fact that they were both married made it easier to spend time together as if it was innocent. If one of them was single, the other would be taking more of a risk. 

My greatest fear though is knowing how easy it would be to develop some feelings for another person. It's hard to imagine the person you love feeling anything for someone else. 

With life, family, stress etc. it's very easy to seek out excitement or support from others. Technology makes it way too easy to stay in contact.

Anyway, I've kept one eye open and feel like it's over but it's like being stung by a bee. You just get a little jumpy the next time you see a bug buzz bye, even if it can't sting you.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

To me what you do now is all about how she is handling this. Does she recognize the slippery slope she was dancing on? Does she accept that even if it didn't cross the line she was seriously flirting with it? Does she realize and accept these things? If she does - does she know why? Has she done the self examination necessary to determine why she was willing to put herself in a situation where it's even an issue? If she does all of the above and is willing to talk to you about it IMO you can relax a great deal. 

However, if she says hasn't accepted and acknowledged she was playing with fire and figured out why so she can avoid putting herself there again then IMO you need to continue to by vigilant. If she hasn't learned from the first mistake she's more likely to repeat it again.

BTW - I don't think a spouse should ever feel guilty for checking on their spouse. It's good business - Inspect what you expect!! I check on my wife - and I was the cheater in our marriage!!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I suggest your guys do His Needs Her Needs together. Also do the boundary setting. Your wife crossed a boundary. Also ensure this affair is over.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

Two people of opposite sex hanging out one-on-one together in a bar and playing the "what if" game is not innocent - it is called a DATE.

You need to lay it out in the open about how it makes you feel for your wife to go one-on-one with a guy to a bar - and enjoy it to the point where she kept the contact going by email.

It really doesn't matter if she thinks this is all innocent (in her mind it probably is) but it has had a bad effect on you and she needs to know it. Ask her how she would feel if you hooked up with a woman and decided to take her to a bar for drinks and a little socializing.

You say you both communicate well. I hope you can get her to understand that this behavior, no matter how innocent she thinks it is, is simply not acceptable to you.

The fact that she did not stop emailing this guy after telling you that she would is a huge red flag.

Good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Jones4 said:


> Thanks for all of the replies!
> 
> There is a lot more to the story but, I'm not sure I have the energy to get into it. They met at some insurance rep conference out of town. They both didn't know anyone and since they're from the same city, they had that in common and hung out. Mostly in groups, but one night they stayed out in the bars together and got along really well. Mostly spent the time discussing families etc. Still, there was an attraction and I was at least able to confirm via e-mail spying that nothing physical happened. They did love to play the "what if" game afterwards, seems as though that would be pretty exciting. He's married but has no kids. Maybe the fact that they were both married made it easier to spend time together as if it was innocent. If one of them was single, the other would be taking more of a risk.
> 
> ...


Your wife has poor boundaries. She was out of town partying with another man. This is called a date. Keep your eyes peeled and your ears open. 70% of women admit they would cheat if they knew they would not get caught. Out of town is pretty near impossible to catch.

Key logger on the computer, check for hidden email accts, ect. Remember no one is watching your back but you.

As always trust but verify. Only one out of five affairs are discovered. 

Do you have all her passwords to all accts? Have you checked text and phone logs

Too much trust is unhealthy, that's just nature.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

No real marital problems, only married three years, have a child and already starting an EA......... 

You definitely have the right to be suspicious.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Jones4 said:


> Thanks for all of the replies!
> 
> There is a lot more to the story but, I'm not sure I have the energy to get into it. They met at some insurance rep conference out of town. They both didn't know anyone and since they're from the same city, they had that in common and hung out. Mostly in groups, but one night they stayed out in the bars together and got along really well. Mostly spent the time discussing families etc. Still, there was an attraction and I was at least able to confirm via e-mail spying that nothing physical happened. They did love to play the "what if" game afterwards, seems as though that would be pretty exciting. He's married but has no kids. *Maybe the fact that they were both married made it easier to spend time together as if it was innocent*_So how much time did they spend to together?_. *If one of them was single*_But the arent.(Have you informed the other guy´s wife yet??) She deserves to Know. you most liklely cought This EA early on.Thats why the never got the time to go to the stage of a PA..Make no mistake it was heading there.._. , the other would be taking more of a risk.
> 
> ...


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## Jones4 (Jan 17, 2012)

They went to conference sessions together and after hours type deals, but all the while with other people. Only spent time together one night after everyone else went back to the hotel. Like I said before, because of the e-mails I checked, I know they didn't even hug that night and didn't even speak of anything sexual. 

I finally confronted him when I reached the point of no return on this and let him know that it's over and I will contact his wife. He agreed that it was wrong and won't contact her. 

To her, and him..it was fun to play this game and tease etc. but they had no intention of it going any further. I do know for certain that it would have gotten out of control and it would have become physical if I ignored it. You can only get that thrill by pushing boundaries more and more until you've gone too far. 

I never contacted his wife, but I definitely will if this ever happens again. Also, after all of this if it happened again I'm not sure if I could stay with my wife. So, I think all parties know what is involved at this point. 

With all of that said, I'm not going to be oblivious to her actions and who she is talking too etc. However, I can't obsess about it either. I need to be able to just enjoy life and my family.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Im not trying to come a cross smart ass but


They went to conference sessions together and after hours type deals, but all the while with other people. Only spent time together one night after everyone else went back to the hotel. *You do Know you dont need a room, right?*Like I said before, because of the e-mails I checked, I know they didn't even hug that night and didn't even speak of anything sexual. R*eally? I assume you read ther
Corprate email´s? Nothing like this start´s right out of the blue..*

I finally confronted him when I reached the point of no return on this and let him know that it's over and I will contact his wife. He agreed that it was wrong and won't contact her. *So you chose to belive he is a honorble man,
Considering recent event´s?
You really need to let his wife know. She has a right to Know ,what her husband has been up to…
Also serves as an efective way to put a end to it..*

To her, and him..it was fun to play this game and tease etc. but they had no intention of it going any further.*Again really? Your making a mistake to place to much trust on people,that just proved they cant be trusted…* I do know for certain that it would have gotten out of control and it would have become physical if I ignored it. You can only get that thrill by pushing boundaries more and more until you've gone too far. 

I never contacted his wife, but I definitely will if this ever happens again. *You should do it RIGHT now..You will have no way of Knowing when and if it happens again.. Secret email/Corprate mails.Next conferance.How has your wife ensured that this never will happen again? and so on*..Also, after all of this if it happened again I'm not sure if I could stay with my wife. So, I think all parties know what is involved at this point. 

*And finally what proof has your wife offerd?*

Try not to take the word easy from two people ,that just showed trust was there,but ended up abused…

I sincerly hope im wrong for your sake.But the other man

Was way to forth comming and apologetic 
Sorry but my bull**** rader is allways up when that happens… Take the time to read around.You will see that your story is not that uniqe as you might think

God luck


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Jones4 said:


> They went to conference sessions together and after hours type deals, but all the while with other people. Only spent time together one night after everyone else went back to the hotel. Like I said before, because of the e-mails I checked, I know they didn't even hug that night and didn't even speak of anything sexual.
> 
> You know this because they told you so. In other wordsyou haveknow idea what they did or who they were with.
> 
> ...


Trust but verify, hopefully, you caught this in time. The thing is, they very well may be telling the truth. However, if they are/have cheated, lying comes as natural as breathing.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

The other guy admitted that what he was doing was wrong and apologized. What does that tell you? You stated that if you had not stopped it then it probably eventually would have gone physical. What does that tell you? Your wife has poor boundaries.


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## Jones4 (Jan 17, 2012)

I don't believe he's honorable, and I don't trust him. However, he realizes his family will be torn apart if he continues and for the first time since this all started, he actually has fear of this taking place. I'm not banking on honor, just fear..

Yes, I know they don't need a room. However, I've not just seen corporate, but private e-mails. At no time I was looking, did either of them have a clue and it was made quite obvious to me, that nothing physical happened. I KNOW it was heading there even though she would never admit to this. 

One thing I'm not, is ignorant...or gullible. I've gone to great lengths to not only see what is going on, but make sure it goes no further. At this point, for my own sanity I want to trust that is has ended. Clearly, if it hasn't then I'm moving on if/when I find out. I just don't want to wake up each day wondering how I can 1) make her prove it and 2) look for the next way to spy on her to put my mind at ease. Because, it won't put my mind at ease to live this way. 

As far as I'm concerned, she really can't prove it. No matter what proof she tries to offer up, there is always some other way of hiding it. 

I completely understand where many of these posts come from, it's a hardline approach based on either experience or research etc. However, I feel I've done/said what I need to do. At this point, if she chooses to pursue this guy in any way, she will be choosing to end our marriage. I know she understands this, and just need to allow myself to live again without a consistent nagging to verify.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Then you don't understand the purpose of verification and what it accomplishes for you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Looks like a realistic approach. Good luck and keep your eyes open. Have you noticed any behavioral changes?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Then you don't understand the purpose of verification and what it accomplishes for you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The Purpose and Benefits of Verifcation

The purpose of verification serves two purposes:
•	To verify that the affair is really over by verifying that NC has been established and is holding. And you will be in a position to observe any fishing attempts by either party.
•	Rebuilds Trust. As you verify and your WSs actions match their words that they are indeed NC with their AP, you begin to relax little by little because trust is starting to be rebuilt. 

The longer that NC isn’t broken after you have been verifying, you begin to slowly feel safer. As time goes by and you continue to verify and find nothing, and your WSs actions and behavior show that they are true to their word, you begin to tire or get bored with verifying. The need to verify eventually starts to fade and the hypervigiliance phase ends. You begin to check and verify less frequently as you begin to heal. You may even eventually get to the point where you start forgetting to verify.


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## Jones4 (Jan 17, 2012)

I'm thinking you might be missing my point...

All I've done for months is verify...at some point, I need to stop verifying or end the marriage. 

It's like I own my own business and hire an employee. They screw up a few times, big mistakes and I decide to give them one more chance. I spend a lot of extra time going over their work, watching them handle customers etc. They seem to be doing much better and look like they've turned the corner. At some point, I need to stop obsessing about them 8 hours a day and move on. If I can't then I would think it's time to hire someone new. 

At this point, starting up contact again would be as bad as anything for our marriage and it would end. If I found out before, or after, it would have the same affect. So, trying to verify would be akin to following that employee on the way to work trying to see if they're going to be late so I can fire them before they get to the office.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So how would you know that they started contact again?

BTW, did you have her write the NC letter yet?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

One thing I'm not, is ignorant...or gullible. 

My apologies . Did not mean to imply the above


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Jones4 said:


> Story is too long to put down here, so the short version is my wife of 3 years met a guy out of town and afterwards, began to e-mail back and forth. It never got x-rated or and words like "love" were certainly never discussed. However, there was plenty of flirting, and it was more than obvious they liked each other. They had met for lunch once and discussions were had about another lunch or drinks.
> 
> I was spying on her e-mail (yep, not proud) and confronted her several times. Each time she would swear she would stop and not do it. We have a child together and are happily married with no real issues. More or less, it was fun/exciting and she let it cloud her judgement. I'm 99.9% sure there is no more contact, but I can't shake it. I've never been distrusting or jealous since we met, but I'm having a hard time believing her these days.
> 
> ...


No


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## Jones4 (Jan 17, 2012)

Jonesey, no need to apologize. I wasn't stating that directed towards you or anyone else. I just wanted to get across that I've been VERY thorough and vigilant for some time now and I know what I'm dealing with. I know how dangerous this was to our marriage and how close it came to ending it. 

I've been standing at the door with bags packed ready to leave.

I want to move to the next stage, but it sounds like I need more time to make sure. 

I do wonder this....IF one spouse monitors the other for an extended period of time...don't you run the risk of 'needing' to know about them? I can imagine it would be difficult to stop at some point and no longer have all of that information?


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

Do what you need to do for your own sanity, I guess. That may either be snooping, or discontinuing it.

But if I understood your first post correctly, you never would have even known about their interactions if you hadn't been reading her emails, correct?

Was your gut instinct alarmed enough to tell something was different when that event happened or not, and could you trust it enough to stop watching emails?


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