# Why is she punishing herself for my mistake?



## abit (Apr 9, 2011)

My wife left me about five month back after she decided that she cannot live with me any longer. I am fine with her decision but cannot understand the wired logic that leaving me also means leaving anything do with me. 

She moved out of the house starting living in a horrible place and started working in a café at a very merge pay. I need know how can I convince her that:

1.	We two can stay together in same house completely indifferent from each other. This way it would be better for our son as well. 

2. She doesn’t need to slog hard in a stupid job. She still continues to own whatever I have made or own. If this is not acceptable then maybe she can work for me at her own terms this way she would have time for the child as well. 

3.	I may be a bad husband but that doesn’t disqualify her or our son from quality life. He (my son) or she should not curb their ambitions because I was somewhere wrong.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

abit said:


> My wife left me about five month back after she decided that she cannot live with me any longer. I am fine with her decision but cannot understand the wired logic that leaving me also means leaving anything do with me.
> 
> She moved out of the house starting living in a horrible place and started working in a café at a very merge pay. I need know how can I convince her that:
> 
> ...


I don't know what you did but it sounds to me like she wants to be independant from you. I can't blame her, if she left your relationship you were obviously not happy together, so why would she be happy living in the same house as you and working for you?


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## abit (Apr 9, 2011)

ishe? said:


> I don't know what you did but it sounds to me like she wants to be independant from you. I can't blame her, if she left your relationship you were obviously not happy together, so why would she be happy living in the same house as you and working for you?


Ok then maybe howabout I leaving the house amd maybe she can stay there and maybe ddont worry about who pays the bills. 

I am fine with that but she thinks anything to do with me is dirty.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

abit said:


> I am fine with that but she thinks anything to do with me is dirty.


Dirty...that's an odd word to use to describe what do you mean by that?


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## AyH (Apr 3, 2011)

Since I assume you are getting a divorce, won't there likely be an alimony settlement? Perhaps you could start paying her that now so she can upgrade her living arrangements.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

abit said:


> My wife left me about five month back after she decided that she cannot live with me any longer. I am fine with her decision but cannot understand the wired logic that leaving me also means leaving anything do with me.
> 
> She moved out of the house starting living in a horrible place and started working in a café at a very merge pay. I need know how can I convince her that:
> 
> ...



You don't give a lot of information as to why she left you. It is your right to not disclose information if you don't want to, but for her behavior to make sense it would help to know what lead to the separation. 

Obviously living in the same house with you is not an option to her, if you are so concerned with her living arrangements have you considered letting her have the house?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Why did she leave you and feel anything to do with you is "dirty?"


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## abit (Apr 9, 2011)

trey69 said:


> Why did she leave you and feel anything to do with you is "dirty?"


Well friends I honestly don’t know how I let this happen to me. I mean I was married for 16 years and been a father for 14 but half an hour of stupidly has spoiled everything. 

I don’t know where to start but a teenager came to my office and I gave her a job (why I still don’t know) unlike other employees she took special interest in me and one fine day while coming from a meeting she invited me to her house and I went along with her and still don’t know how on earth had sex with her. 

Next most stupid thing I did after moving out her house was I called one of my family friends and told him about the entire episode. He told his wife who did a great job at alarming my wife about her future with a cheat. Within 24 hours of the event she left the house along with my son. 

I have tried to talk to her but she says I have betrayed her hence lost her for good. I know she is right and I spend nearly all my time thinking how did let this happen to me and my family.

I have reconciled to the fact that we would never be together again but what hurts me more is she hurting herself. I am never able to convince her that we may not be at talking terms but its ok for her to stay in that house we lived for a decade maybe I can move out and she doesn’t need to work. But she thinks she cannot live in house or accept money from a man who betrayed her. 

In this whole scuffle my son is suffering the most. She has put him in a cheaper school and I am not allowed to see him. I asked her let me pay for his school fee but she tell me that she wants to keep him away from his father’s shadow. I don’t even know what he thinks about me. 

As per divorce is concerned I am not sure how is that going to change things. I mean when she doesn’t want any money coming from me in any form how is alimony going to help her. Honestly I haven’t thought in this direction but if signing a paper ensures her and my son our happy I don’t care what’s written on that.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If you can somehow appeal to her her responsibilities as a good mother to her son there may be a chance to bring her to her senses. 

Is it possible for you to speak to her parents or siblings to speak on your behalf. I think to speak as sincerely as you have written here should work if they are sensible mature people you may succeed. You transgration was against your wife and although your wife has the option to leave, she has no right to make the child suffer for the problem between two adults.. If you could get to her parents to talk to her about their concerns as grandparents that may help.

It is too bad that she will not give the marriage a chance. I think you are genuinely sorry, if you had the chance would you want to re-establish a connection with your wife? I think with this type of infidelity, there is a good chance to recover and move on. Can you vigorously peruse this, if not now then in time. I think for the sake of your child you should both pull out all of the stops to makecthis happen. 

You have legal recourse I think if you can't convience her to let you have contact with her son. At the very lest you can get visitation. Could you be letting your guilt inhibiting you from acting decisively? And maybe thinking you deserve to be punished? I disagree with your wife that you should have no influence on him, actually you can let him see that infidelity is very bad and influence his values not to make the same mistake. 

You can take the attitude that you need to take charge as the sensible adult and do right by him given that he is innocent. 
Think and act on all the resources and please don't give up. When he grows up, he must know that you fought for him so that when he get old enough to contact you on his own, you can let him know that you never stopped trying to see him, if it should come to that.

Just as an asside, about her thoughts that you are dirty, having an ONS does not make you dirty, very foolish and thoughtless to do something so painful to a loyal spouse and give up so much for so little but you know that already. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm sorry. But you honestly can't understand why she wants nothing to do with you, and thinks everything that comes from you would be dirty? Seriously? When you still say that you don't know why you had sex with a teenager and how it happened, and make it sound like the teenager seduced you?

How long ago did this happen? She MIGHT come around at least a bit, but I'd say just give her time. Is the teenager out of your office now? Out of your life? In contrast to what Catherine says (no offense intended), this wasn't just a ONS, this is someone you worked with (for who knows how long), and that you had a fling with (still ongoing?). You don't provide a lot of important information, right from your initial post and on.

C


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## abit (Apr 9, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> If you can somehow appeal to her her responsibilities as a good mother to her son there may be a chance to bring her to her senses.
> 
> Is it possible for you to speak to her parents or siblings to speak on your behalf. I think to speak as sincerely as you have written here should work if they are sensible mature people you may succeed. You transgration was against your wife and although your wife has the option to leave, she has no right to make the child suffer for the problem between two adults.. If you could get to her parents to talk to her about their concerns as grandparents that may help.
> 
> ...


Catherine,

Thanks for your comforting words. However, changing things here is not that easy. My wife’s father left her mother midway who brought her up as a single mom. Her mom almost never trusted men since then and so did my wife. 

When we started seeing each other I was the first man in her life and honestly she hated men back then. All her life she had hated men but thought I was different but then despite knowing all this I proved her wrong. 

Her mother I am sure would have known by now “how intelligent a man her daughter married” but then again I would not mind speaking to her if that helps. As per talking to my son is concerned I am not even sure how to face him. He is a teenager and look what an example I have set for him. 

As per her version this is the first time she got to know about the infidelity part which may have been my habit from day one. I have tried to explain her but all in vain she thinks all men are alike. Everyone tell me to tell her I am sorry but I cannot understand what I need to do for her to understand I am genuinely sorry. 

It’s been almost six months and I expect reality to have sunk in by now but seems she has decided to call if off for good.


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## abit (Apr 9, 2011)

> When you still say that you don't know why you had sex with a teenager and how it happened, and make it sound like the teenager seduced you?


Even if she seduced me how does it change things? I was not supposed to go to someone’s place and then more importantly let them have their way with me. How can someone explain sleeping with someone half your age? 



> How long ago did this happen? She MIGHT come around at least a bit, but I'd say just give her time. Is the teenager out of your office now? Out of your life? In contrast to what Catherine says (no offense intended), this wasn't just a ONS, this is someone you worked with (for who knows how long), and that you had a fling with (still ongoing?).


She is out of my life (well she never was in it) and office. To me this was definitely a one night (half an hour to be precise) stand but quite obviously no wife would understand it that way. I have no feelings for the girl, don’t know where is she, living or dead. 

One small question to you all, if I ever get to meet my son should I tell him my side of the story. I am sure he would have known something by now. Do I tell him am sorry for what I did to her mom? I am planning to meet him at his new school is it ok to meet him without my wife’s consent?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It doesn't change things if she seduced you, but the way you explain it makes it seem like you're not taking any blame for your part in it. Like you were just in a fog, and have no idea how it happened. Same with the age thing... You're the one that should have known better, but you let it happen. If you talked to her the same way that you presented it here, it's no wonder she wants nothing to do with you.

Just saying, to give you an idea of how she might be thinking. It's no skin off my nose one way or the other, and I don't respect you any more or less regardless of the circumstances. I cheated on my wife, and take full blame for that decision. So it's not like I'm at all guilt free or more holy than you.

I do think you should look into getting a lawyer and a separation/divorce agreement. Depending on the laws in your state, you should likely be paying alimony and child support. If your wife won't take it, put it in a bank account and put it away. If she comes after you for it later, you would be much better off having the money set aside. Especially for child support, and a teenage son. The money is not your wife's to refuse in that case, it's money for your son. Put it away, and make it available to him when he's of age. 

You're also likely to have visitation/custody rights, regardless of your wife's wishes. Check with a lawyer on that as well.

Oh, and to me, a one night stand is someone who's in and out of your life in one night (thus the name). You know, someone you met in the bar, slept with, maybe didn't even get their name. Not that you only slept with them one time.

C


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Yes you can meet your own son but you have to consider carefully what will happen. How will his mother react, will he feel conflicted about wanting to see you but defying his mother. Probably so. I think you need a third party a really good and sympathetic therapist. Sometimes a man and woman team works best - the woman to give you an idea of how your wife may be feeling and how to approach her about you son. The man can help you to figure out how and why thus happened and how to forgive yourself so that you can handle your relationship with your son.

This is too tricky to handle alone and the damage to your son is too great to risk not doing everything possible. Don't want to be too dramatic but, I read that boys are most effected by divorce and that some may even become suicidal. The fact that your wife hates men and his identity as a male is developing now are additional factor. Time is of the essence 6 months is a long time. 

Can you explain what you meant by the statement "As per her version this is the first time she got to know about the infidelity part which may have been my habit from day one.

Your wife has not initiated divorce? Have you had any contact with her at all? She had a very traumatic childhood and this has probably brought up all of the fears and rage of such a background. 

About you expaination and understanding of the effect of the infidelity, the fact that you can not understand why you did this and why she can't can not forgive is not good. If you don't know why then it can happen again, if you don't understand why she can't accept your apology then you have not stepped in her shoes and felt what she feels. Empathy is extremely important, it allows you to feel the depth of the pain of the person you wronged. It does not sound like you have done that though I may be wrong. With her background and the trust she placed in you and the fact that you can't explain why are serious problems. 

Plus your complete lack of concern for a girl who did a very unwise thing with an adult who should have realized this was not good for her. That attitude towards another human is something you should think about. Why is she a throw away, was she anymore at fault than you? If she was underage you are legally at risk and you acted immorally. I am saying this not to make you feel guilty but to make you think. That teen would probably be the age group that your son would date. Telling him that woman you have sex with are worthy of no consideration or that you can easily discard them after sex is not a value you want to transfer to your son. Your wife is a woman and although you loved her, you may have dismissed some part of her if you can so easily discard a girl you did this with. 

Get professional help ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Her Rage-O-Meter's needle went into the red zone, hit the stop peg and exploded in a shower of sparks. She's gone into full Samson Option Mode (Burn down the whole village, kill everyone).


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## abit (Apr 9, 2011)

Pbear,

I never wish to justify any of my actions they were abhorrent acts done by me and I cannot claim ably in alcohol or anything as I was not drunk. 

I am glad I have found someone who has been through this. Would you be please be kind enough to explain me how did you explain your wife that you were genuinely sorry for your actions. 

In last six months I have spoken to my wife maybe 20 times but every time she tells me she does not want to talk about what happened. If I tell her that her decision is affecting our son’s future. I get responses like I should have thought about it prior to sleeping around or sleeping with girls of my son’s age would have certainly not helped his future. She thinks if our son goes to expensive schools he will turn out to become irresponsible like his father. 

Let alone everything last week I got know she is has stopped visiting orthopedic (she suffers from lumbar spondylitis) perhaps due to paucity of funds. I got to know about it when the doc told me that she didn’t collect the reports. 

As far as keeping money aside is concerned, anyways whatever is mine is for them. I am forty three and passed the age when you need money for self. My concern is my child will miss the bus for the quality education at an important stage of life. 

Legal battles are very dirty first of all she would not accept money from me, then would be forced to find a lawyer and lastly money paid to lawyers would reduce money the one that would go to my son and his education. As a father I cannot do so, I am trying to help her through one of her friends lets see if things workout.


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## abit (Apr 9, 2011)

Catherine, 

You are scaring me to death, that’s the last thing I want in my life. Now I am even more worried about finding a solution real quick. I think she needs to know about it as well. 

I know everyone has been asking me why I did it but I swear to God I don’t know why I did it. 

When I say “as per her version” I mean my wife thinks this was not one incident but it may have happened in the past but I never told her. 

All I know is this girl (who was 19 so not an underage for sure) took me to her home and went to take a shower she came back only covered in towel. I till date have not been able to understand why I could not control myself. 

When I say I don’t care where is she(teenager) because I did not share something ugly that girl wanted to seduce me and then use me to move ahead in life. I fell for the bait (I am not justifying myself or my actions) moment I realized what was happening I threw her out of the office. 

I am really sorry but I cannot step in my wife shoes, but honestly speaking most of us would judge infidelity very harshly.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I did not mean to scare you but inform you, it was recent research, I think you can google it because it got a lot of press coverage. I did not read the actual report and given that the media sensationalizes every thing, I think you should read it yourself.

Why can't you walk in your wife's shoe's.? It may not help you to get back with you wife but it may help you to feel what others feel. It may help you to stop yourself from doing something that you know will be painful to a loved one. In my opinion, you really need to develop this capacity or something like it. Let's say you are in your next loving relationship and a naked woman comes and sits in your lap what will you do to protect the relation you have built and not submit to the temptation? Empathy, think of what it will do to the woman you love, imagining that pain may cool you off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

abit said:


> All I know is this girl (who was 19 so not an underage for sure) took me to her home and went to take a shower she came back only covered in towel. I till date have not been able to understand why I could not control myself.
> 
> When I say I don’t care where is she(teenager) because I did not share something ugly that girl wanted to seduce me and then use me to move ahead in life. I fell for the bait (I am not justifying myself or my actions) moment I realized what was happening I threw her out of the office.



I don't understand what you were doing there in the first place.

You stated in one of your earlier posts that the girl had taken a special interest in you. Yet you still went to her house, and sat there while she took a shower? Really? Why did you wait while she took a shower? What were you waiting on? You had a reason for staying. What was it? Were you planning on doing something after you took her home and she took a shower? Were you planning on having dinner? Reading a book together? Really, why-were-you-there? As to why you couldn't control yourself - it's because you didn't want to. 

I think you are still making excuses and I don't think anyone is buying that you took a girl, who you knew was showing interest in you, to her house and waited around while she took a shower and didn't expect anything to happen. 

As for your wife, it may take a long time for her to forgive you, if she ever does.

As for the girl, if you fired her after having sex with her you are lucky she didn't sue you. Have you considered that the girl may have emotional problems? Most 19 year old girls don't go after older men. She might have some issues with men like your wife does only acts on them in different ways. Girls with 'daddy issues' often act out in this way. 

Your wife and son are a victim here and so is possibly this girl. You are not a victim so please stop acting like it.

Have either of you filed for divorce? You may want to contact a lawyer, if you don't want to file for divorce you could probably still do a legal separation which would also define visitation rights and child support. If you are worried about your wife's financial situation you could have it stated in the separation agreement that you will sent her XX amount of money for child support each month. And then send it, she might except it is part of a legal agreement. The same goes for you being allowed to see your son. Maybe he would feel better about seeing you if it were in writing in a legal document. 

I agree with Catherine that getting a mutual third party involved to talk to your wife might help, but be very careful who you choose, it needs to be someone who your wife really trusts. 

If you could get your wife into counseling that would be great. Her reaction here is probably not all about your affair - as painful as it probably was for her - but it has probably brought up feelings from the past about her own childhood that she has never dealt with.


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## abit (Apr 9, 2011)

Saddy,

I am not justifying my actions and I agree I am not a victim either, infact I am the felon. When you ask me why I was there well I was invited at the pretext that while she wanted to refresh before we leave for the team dinner. Till that time I was not wrong but beyond that all my actions were immoral, unethical and perhaps illegal as well. All this time I am not able to understand is how and why the hell I did it despite being cognizant of the repercussions. When I say the lady (who I would not like to remember) took special interest in me she use to always with me and if I say I did not know her feelings for me I would be fooling myself. 

By biggest mistake was not to suspect anything while going to her house. After that all what happened I don’t blame it on her but on me. I agree it was a planned thing(on her end)but for a man nearing forties I should have been wiser. 



> As for the girl, if you fired her after having sex with her you are lucky she didn't sue you. Have you considered that the girl may have emotional problems?


You think people in this country are so naïve. Why the hell do I call it a con job? Let’s drop it at the fact that my hyper sexuality has cost me something more then my marriage. 



> Have either of you filed for divorce? You may want to contact a lawyer, if you don't want to file for divorce you could probably still do a legal separation which would also define visitation rights and child support. If you are worried about your wife's financial situation you could have it stated in the separation agreement that you will sent her XX amount of money for child support each month. And then send it; she might except it is part of a legal agreement. The same goes for you being allowed to see your son. Maybe he would feel better about seeing you if it were in writing in a legal document


No one has filled for divorce and I don’t plan to either. As far as financial talks are concerned she (my wife) does not want to touch anything that’s comes from me this include child support or even me contacting our son. For her I no longer exist and same about anything that I being to the table. Although I yearn to see my child everyday to the extent I go to his school but never meet him. I know I can use legal path to get visitation rights but I guess I have hurt her enough and honestly don’t have strength to push this. 

Just wanted to give you an update, on advice of Catherine called her (my wife’s) mom although she has lot of hope(to my great surprise she is said she wanted to speak with me so that we could work it out, I always thought she use to detest me from day one) and is atleast willing to be peacemaker. For the first time six months I have a glimmer of hope. Pray to God we work it out. 

If something good happens would defiantly keep you posted.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm wondering why you feel she is punishing herself?

I would think she isn't punishing herself because she chooses to not be in the house or whatever. I think in her mind she feels she is doing the right thing, not punishing herself.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

trey69 said:


> I'm wondering why you feel she is punishing herself?
> 
> I would think she isn't punishing herself because she chooses to not be in the house or whatever. I think in her mind she feels she is doing the right thing, not punishing herself.



I agree, punishing yourself would be staying in a situation you don't want to be in.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

abit said:


> Saddy,
> 
> I am not justifying my actions and I agree I am not a victim either, infact I am the felon. When you ask me why I was there well I was invited at the pretext that while she wanted to refresh before we leave for the team dinner. Till that time I was not wrong but beyond that all my actions were immoral, unethical and perhaps illegal as well. All this time I am not able to understand is how and why the hell I did it despite being cognizant of the repercussions. When I say the lady (who I would not like to remember) took special interest in me she use to always with me and if I say I did not know her feelings for me I would be fooling myself.
> 
> ...


It's good that your MIL is willing to help. Good luck with that. 

As for you reply to my previous post. I understand you don't want to file for divorce - that is why I suggested a legal separation - this is not the same as a divorce - but it would define both your obligations and your rights. 

What I am about to say now may surprise your considering my previous posts - but I think you need to man up and assert your right to be a father to you son. 

Yes, you did wrong and yes your wife has every right to be hurt, upset and angry with you. But there is a third person here and that is your son. Your son has a right to see his father without being made to feel guilty about it and you have a right to see your son. You have already lost a considerable of time with him at an age when a boy really needs his father around. Your wife has every right to not associate with you if she so chooses, but she doesn't have the right to keep your son from you. And you have an obligation to support him. I know you don't want to think about this, but what if you and your wife never get back together? Are you giving up your son for good? 

I think the best thing you can do for your wife at this point is leave her alone and don't hover. But you son needs to see you and know that even if you and his mother are having problems doesn't mean you have deserted him also. I understand that you don't want to cause your wife more hurt, but you need to focus on your son. He is a victim here also.


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## abit (Apr 9, 2011)

Thanks for your wishes sandy, I am talking control of things in my own hands today. Just wish me luck as I am taking a very big step today for rest will keep you posted.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

SadieBrown said:


> What I am about to say now may surprise your considering my previous posts - but I think you need to man up and assert your right to be a father to you son.
> 
> Yes, you did wrong and yes your wife has every right to be hurt, upset and angry with you. But there is a third person here and that is your son. Your son has a right to see his father without being made to feel guilty about it and you have a right to see your son. You have already lost a considerable of time with him at an age when a boy really needs his father around. Your wife has every right to not associate with you if she so chooses, but she doesn't have the right to keep your son from you. And you have an obligation to support him. I know you don't want to think about this, but what if you and your wife never get back together? Are you giving up your son for good?


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Your wife is absolutely justified...she has the right to choose what path she wants to take now that you have violated trust in the marriage. It is also her right to decide, NOT to discuss things and to walk away and not have anything to do with you. You gave up any right to question her when you slept with a young girl outside of marriage. You do not get to question whether she is "harming herself". In her view, lowering her (and your son's) standard of living temporarily until she can move on is probably preferable to living with you.

I agree with the other posters here that you seem to be minimizing what you did and blaming the girl for seducing you, when in fact you are a grown man in complete control of yourself and made a decision to cheat. Perhaps this is why your wife doesn't want to discuss anything or try to repair the marriage...because you refuse to take responsibility for your actions.


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## abit (Apr 9, 2011)

Wanted to share a beautiful update, My MIL (who is my new found God) told me she(my wife) is down on bed due to bad lumbar spondylosis and is not interested in even taking her help. 

So I drove to her new house picked her up (with brute force) and drove back home (our home). All the while she shouted and cried she does not want to go anywhere but I guess this time I could not help it. I have told her she is staying here with me until she gets fully recovered and may execute me after that for a kidnap. 

She would not have agreed but this time I had a very strong supporter someone who has a zillion times more control over her then me. Although I don’t know how much he knows about what happened between us he was able to talk his mother through and put some sense in head. 

So we are in same home as a family as of today. For how long I don’t know, don’t want to think either, as I wish to cherish this day. Two lessons learnt in the day first sometimes we need to exert some pressure on people we love even if it hurts then if it’s for their good. Second, as parents you’ll never realize when your children have become grown up for the first time today I realized how mature and emotionally stable my son is perhaps more then his father.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You made me cry. I am so proud of you for forgetting yourself and being loving, it is what any good man would do. Talk to your son let him know how much you love and miss him and your wife. Pour your heart out without reserve. 

He needs to hear his Dad express deep love and concern. Make a promise to him never to leave him, never to let him go no matter what. He needs to know that. Give him all of your contact info and tell him that he needs to keep in touch with you under all circumstances because you need him and he needs you. he needs to know that you are his protector always. 

also, make sure you talk frequently and bond with your MIL. Be there for her. She needs to know that there are good men who go astray but they are still good and still love their family. They can and do make amends. 
God be with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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