# I have a problem...



## DowntheRabbithole (Dec 18, 2014)

I am feeling rather embarrassed to do this..but I really need some truthful honest opinions. Let me start off with saying I have been married for 2 years and been with the same man for 6 years in total. I am(was?) completely madly selfishly in love with him and continues to grow everyday..However his activities online are pushing me away. I first found out about him watching porn a year or so of us living together..he worked night shift and when he got home I'm assuming is when he took to the internet..sadly this was while I was in bed and would have been more than happy to satisfy his needs. When I found this out I was so hurt and even looked online on how to spice things up a bit. I came home from work shut off the tv and gave him a blowjob with altoids mints and throat spray(IDK lol). He seemed to like that so I felt like I may have sparked some interest back into me and for a minute or so it very well could have but same old same old.. So for this long I have battled the constant battle of hunting for traces of his porn history knowing that I am going to be hurt but I still do this..I am 26 and he is 27 we are still pretty young so I am not understanding why he isn't interested in me. I bought heels and stockings...lingerie..I am available for him always unless I am at work which usually I don't get off work until 1030 he gets home around 6..by then he has done his business. I feel like a used broken toy he no longer wants to be intimate with..I enjoy sex alot I love the personal connection of making love and I absolutely enjoy the romps when frankly you are just horny. I never have stopped him from pursuing me and when I try to pursue him..he's full or he's tired or just not in the mood.. It's getting to the point where my needs are not being met because he is giving it all to a screen. I am not a jealous person by nature, I don't hate porn..If I am at work by all means do it..but it is completely interfering with our marriage. We have sex MAYBE once a week. It had been 14 days after our anniversary that we had sex again. I even tried watching porn with him and all it did was kill me inside..He watched the screen the whole time. I am so tired of crying, I am so tired of feeling unwanted and just tired of being an investigator because now it's all I want to do.. check the computer or check the ps3 to see where he has been..I'm mentally exhausted. It came to a point where I even took pictures of myself and left a note on the toilet with the phone that said look at the pictures..I thought maybe he would see that a real woman is here for you..I came home from work and he never mentioned it so I didn't mention it..A few days later I finally asked him, Did you like my pictures? He said yes but I was a little mad about it. I asked him why and my intentions weren't to make you mad..and he said because that's what you think I do all the time when I come home from work. I refrained myself from getting an attitude and saying WELL THAT IS WHAT YOU DO *******. But instead I said I'm sorry that wasn't what I was trying to insinuate. Deep down inside I think that was the final heart string that tore my whole being down to nothing. All I wanted was for him to look at ME. Why did he even marry me? I give this man all I have..and If I don't have it I will find a way for him to get it. I just don't understand. For the past few days I have been distant with him, and he knows I have been..I am just numb I think, I don't want my marriage to end..but everyday that passes seems like that's where it will eventually end up. I care for his needs more than I do my own..and I feel as though I degrade myself to give him what he wants..and even then It's not enough for him. I started taking zoloft and it seems to help with my depression but it's never going to stop me from feeling hurt. I have to take sleeping pills at night because I can't comfortably fall asleep with the man I love. I don't want to be in a sexless marriage at age 26 and I have talked to him about it over and over again to the point where I am a broken record I just want to feel respected and loved and I want him to want sex with me..Is that such a bad thing to want?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Downtherabbithole
While I have no problem with porn in general, I do think it is a big problem when it REPLACES intimacy with a partner. 

Yes, I watch porn, but only when my wife is not available, I would never turn her down.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to take a long, hard look at your marriage. No relationship is worth destroying yourself over. You have become so depressed that you are now on Zoloft... a heavy medication with potentially very harmful side effects. Are you really ok with destroying your own mental and physical health in a marriage with a man who could care less about your needs?

Men are as likely as women to make their marriages sexless. About 20% of men do this. 

Here is a book that I think you will find helpful.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It

And here is a website that might help.

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn

I think it's time that you have a frank talk with your husband to tell him that you are not willing to stay in the marriage the way it is because it's destroying you. Tell him that either he goes to marriage counseling with you to fix things or you will divorce him. (You just need to be willing to go through with the divorce.)

If he is willing to go to MC with you, find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist who understands what is needed to end a porn "addiction".


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Porn isn't the issue. Porn is a symptom of a bigger problem. He is replacing time spent with you, with time spent with something else. Spouses have the same problems with partners who play video games or work on cars in lieu of spending time with them. 

The question is, why is he choosing to spend time doing something without you? Why is his intimacy with you not taking priority? 

Does he feel like he satisfies you in bed? Is he insecure about sex? Have you ever criticized him or complained about anything in regard to his sexual performance? Has he always been like this, or is it something recent?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did you ever have a frequent sex life? Or is this has it's always been?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vms said:


> Porn isn't the issue. Porn is a symptom of a bigger problem. He is replacing time spent with you, with time spent with something else. Spouses have the same problems with partners who play video games or work on cars in lieu of spending time with them.
> 
> The question is, why is he choosing to spend time doing something without you? Why is his intimacy with you not taking priority?
> 
> Does he feel like he satisfies you in bed? Is he insecure about sex? Have you ever criticized him or complained about anything in regard to his sexual performance? Has he always been like this, or is it something recent?


Porn is a bit different from things like working on cars in that porn does two things: 1) it satisfies his sexual needs 2) it messes with his brain chemistry in the same way that drug addiction does.

People can become "addicted" to video/computer games as well as they can also cause major changes in brain chemistry if over done .


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

I'm not a man, but from what my husband has told me. Men that turn to porn either have an addiction, or they feel like they've done a lot wrong in the past and think it's easier to watch porn rather than actually try. They feel being rejected or can't take criticism well. I would agree to take the computer away and talk to him. Be prepared for him not to take that well for a while though, but your marriage is worth it.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Have you ever criticized him or complained about anything in regard to his sexual performance?


Men want women to be interested in sex and knowing what they like. But if you indicate that something isn't what you like or you aren't enjoying something, you've then criticized and complained. 

That's one of the big problems with over-indulgence in porn rather than connection to a real-live human female. It gives this idea that women should enjoy whatever kind of sex is thrown their way. Anything less is just "criticizing" and "complaining" and *ever* doing that basically means that any and all subsequent problems are then your fault by connection. 

You made it too difficult to have sex with you. Because that might require some actual effort to think about someone else.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

In his own mind and his own satisfaction you cannot compete with porn. 

What he needs to learn is real men do women, not porn.

Get him the book Married Man SexLife Primer 2011 by Athol Kay.

Will make him a better man. It will help him a lot.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

Question: What does porn do to help a guy? NOTHING

It is all focused on what a guy thinks sex should be like for him. But, in reality, it a healthy sex life is the guy focuses on her. A wife who turns to "butter" is a wonderful thing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

That reminds me...

We're out of Altoids.


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Downtherabbithole my heart goes out to you, you’re in a bad place meds won’t make it better your doctor had to be concerned enough to prescribe them so one step at a time. 

You need to take a deep breath be a brave girl and sit him down for a serious talk even if you got to write some notes for your self and have them to hand so you cover all the points you want to. Even use your post here to break down the points don’t make it a whine weak pitch explain how it hurts and you sound like you have done every thing possible to be an exciting and intrested lover to him. Explain it’s hurting you and damaging your self esteem and you really can’t have that and as your husband he has to do every thing he can to help you through it. I don’t know how open or honest you both are but don’t let him duck he is tossing off to other girls even close people some times find it hard to talk about self pleasure so talk about the issues and effects.

I am 8 years married your story hits my heart a year in I was having similar trouble with my H I work shifts so some weeks it’s sort of like a hour passing we have when I admit I am not at my best having just got up and trying to get ready for work. So talk I got a total shock I was ready for any thing even this wont work see a lawyer when he explained some times he just wants a quick release and thought it cheap and disrespectful to me to come use me for that. So don’t be all negative you never know if you can get him to talk so we worked out its ok for him to just want a quick thing but come to me and share its ok to say just me no messing around. Ok sure not every time but now and again I will sort you out there my hand and some lube much better than sitting in lounge with a Kleenex and sound down on Laptop.............a hug and a kiss and a thank you we are both happy. 

So you can work through it if you both want to and build a better understanding and stronger relationship, you have tried to live up to his sexual ideal pictures, stockings etc but honey your not a mind reader and neither is he as other posters have said communications ask him straight tell me what is sexy? What girls on screen got I don’t time for a wake up call. Other good advice given if you don’t feel your able to manage talking about it MC and some professional advice maybe only to give you a structured environment to work through things and help with your self esteem on meds you wont be at your best so don’t take it as a final resort or sign of failure more a tool to enable you both to fix things.

Thoughts are with you be strong, stick your head up proud say I am an attractive, desirable young woman and good wife I deserve more.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Please use paragraphs next time. It is hard to read if you squeeze everything together like this.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

2 years and you were not aware of this happening before you were married? Is this something you and he ever talked about?

This is the thing that I am getting from your post is that even when you have shown your availability to your husband that he turns you down and then you find him on the internet seeking porn which means he is opting to use porn for his sexual desire rather than trying to meet his needs in his marriage.

Was he the type to date in high school or was he the type that girls only saw as a friend, or perhaps was the nerdy type and did not date? Reason I ask is that husband and I have had the same issues and went to counseling for it. My husband was the type that felt inadequate and feared rejection so he didn't ask girls out. He missed a very important part of his growth as a teen where males ask girls out and learn that sex belongs in relationships. Instead he turned to porn to gratify his needs and well that is where they stayed even after marriage. 

Porn is safe and men do not have to try to please anyone but themselves. It is convenient as it is on their time.

What men do not consider most times is the considerable damage it does to your self-esteem and how much his activities are hurting your marriage.

I would advise you to seek marriage counseling on this subject. that does not mean if he gives up porn that things between the two of you will change. In my case, husband went thru all the steps to give it up and he still would not initiate sex with me. But sex is not the only area he is withholding in. You might google "passive-aggressive" as well and see if it fits. PA men will withhold sex from their partners.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry, but I always have to give a little snort when I see a new thread start with this:



DowntheRabbithole said:


> Let me start off with saying I have been married for 2 years and been with the same man for 6 years in total. I am(was?) completely madly selfishly in love with him and continues to grow everyday.


because I know what's coming...the truth of their reality always comes by the end of the post:



DowntheRabbithole said:


> Deep down inside I think that was the final heart string that tore my whole being down to nothing. All I wanted was for him to look at ME.


Anyway. Down, its time you get really angry about this and have a come-to-Jesus meeting with your husband. Tell him how his porn addiction is making you feel, and tell him that either he gets professional help for it, or you will divorce him. Then FOLLOW THROUGH. You can always stop a divorce if he actually changes. As it is now, nothing at all is going to change.


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