# No date nights during recovery. Is this normal?



## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

It's been four months since my wife's affair. Married 10 years, 3 kids. She "lost it" for me, fell out of love, whatever you want to call it, and had a short-lived PA. It's totally over, for sure. We were both ambivalent about continuing the marriage, her more so than me. But we both decided to work on our relationship to try to keep the family together. We have been going to MC and have made great progress in just a few months. Recently she has expressed remorse. It took her a couple of months to get there. We are very friendly with each other, and it seems like she enjoys our time together at home, but she's still not very comfortable with home life yet when I'm there. 

Things seem to be progressing well. We are intimate and she tells me she loves me. But she doesn't have a desire to go out on a date with me! I don't really get it. There is some kind of discomfort she has that she doesn't show. She prefers to do things as a family unit and not just the two of us ever. She says that's where we can rebuild, through the family, and she can get closer to me that way and rekindle something. Sometimes we will meet for a drink or dinner before or after counseling, but we have not gone out on a single date on a weekend night. We hang out at home, or she makes plans with some of her girlfriends sometimes. Yes, I am certain she is with her friends when she goes out. There's no question. I know her friends, and there is no affair of any sort anymore. I just don't understand why she has no desire to go out on a date with me! 

She does all the right things to work on "us" except that. It's really disappointing because I did the most uncomfortable thing in the world, the painful thing, to stay and work on our marriage and try to forgive. And she won't deal with a little discomfort on a date alone with me? Seems that's the only way to get "us" back, to be together, uncomfortable at first but hopefully better with time. 

Again, it's been 4 months since DD. Has anyone else experienced this? No desire for date nights?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

How often does the affair come up between the 2 of you? I ask because many unfaithful spouses cringe at the thought that their betrayed spouses will bring it up when they least expect it. Maybe if you told her that if the two of you go on a date, that you promise not to bring up her affair and that the only topics you'll bring are mutually enjoyable topics. Hopefully she'll accept and you will show her a good time which will make it a lot easier to go on another date and so on and so on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Something really not right here, especially when she goes out with her friends, so it's no a trigger for her.

Have you talked to her about it in MC? It seems really odd at a time should be taking every opportunity to work on the marrage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

To me that's kinda weird - I have no idea if it's bad or not - but it's strange.

morituri may be onto something. Do you think she could be afraid of being alone with you and not being able to escape if you corner her about the affair?

You know I must be a seriously strange cheater - I never disliked talking to my wife about my affair - I actually really enjoyed some of the talks we had about it as time went on and the emotions cooled some.


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

It sounds to me like she's not 100% bought-into the marriage. Why do you think reconciliation stories are few and far between? It's really, really hard to let go of the past and especially to let go of a past where infidelity was involved. You have the lingering trust issue while she has the lingering affair-fueled memories on her side. For reconciliation to work you both have to buy-in 100%. You need to be 100% honest with each other and answer if climbing Mt. Rebuild Our Marriage is something you both are really going to be committed to.

You have three choices:

1) Stay married and not really fix anything substantially, giving a "half-assed" reconciliation effort but "suck it up" for the benefit of the kids. Many, many people choose this option and are living in laregely lifeless marriages.
2) Stay married and you BOTH put-in 100% to rebuilding a marriage stronger than the one you used to have. Really hard (since it takes 100% committment from two people instead of one) but possible if you both are willing to put in the work.
3) Divorce

Sounds like you guys are somewhat in option 1 right now...

Try this: you should make a list of attributes you would like to see in your "ideal woman". Try not to think about your wife perse but rather as it relates to you and how well you think you know yourself. Be as honest as you can, don't think too much about it, and just write them down. Then, go through this list and highlight the ones that are "must haves" for you meaning that if you don't have these from your partner it's going to be a problem long term for you. Encourage your wife to do the same exercise. Exchange lists. Now you need to ask yourself if the highlighted items on your wife's list (that she highlighted) are things you WANT to change. You might not want to. This is OK. Have her do the same. Be honest. If you both can agree to addressing the highlighted items and feel OK with it and not feel like you're "working" to effect this change in yourself that you really don't want, then option 2 above is realistic. Remember: we can't change other people -- we can only change ourselves. The corollary to this point is that we shouldn't feel we NEED to change things in our partners either. That we can accept them as they are.


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Is she always around when the both of you are spending time with the kids, or does she seem to take some random trips into another room?

Could she still be talking to OM, and the reason she doesn't want to go on a date alone with you is because it makes it harder for her to chat/text with him?

How do you approach her about going on a date? Do you just get updates by way of asking something like "Do you want to go on a date this Friday"? Do you ask her to do something specific "do you want to have dinner at (a restaurant you both like) and go see a movie Friday?" Have you tried being more direct like "I want to take you to dinner this Friday"?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

She needs to spend "alone" time with you.
Dates are great. You get to talk and learn about each other. It can rekindle the love you felt years ago.

I would bring this up in counseling.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Maybe she is afraid to fall back in love with you? I don't think she is in a true remorse stage. With remorse and falling back in love with you, the feeling of guilt will amplify. So, she just runs and avoids. My 2 cents.


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> Maybe she is afraid to fall back in love with you? I don't think she is in a true remorse stage. With remorse and falling back in love with you, the feeling of guilt will amplify. So, she just runs and avoids. My 2 cents.


Wow, I never thought of that. That is an interesting thing to think about. But I don't know if that's the case. But she has avoided a lot of things, including talking very much about the affair.

I think she is taking it slow, working on her own self confidence in IC which has always been a problem for her. We are still trying to "get the love back" in our relationship. She is somewhat afraid to talk about her mistakes. 

She is fully engaged with me when we're at home, just living a normal life. I still think she is somewhat uncomfortable going out for a long period of time with me and being with me only, away from home. I think she does have some fear. There is some comfort at home just being here. I think she just needs more time. I was always the dominant type, always making all the decisions, and I have done a 180 on that. I have changed a lot through this, a better person, more flexible, and she notices that.

But I will not be satisfied in the marriage with not having alone time away from home with her. That's not a good marriage, and I will not settle for that. But I'm not going to confront and force anything right now and turn into the "old me". If she doesn't want to go out with me on dates, authentically, and only does it because I want to, that does not help our relationship.

I have already let her know that I am ready and willing to try more alone time away from home with her. I need to let her come to me and not force it. If she never comes to me with this, in the coming months, I will know that this marriage does not fulfill my needs and I will need to face that fact and do what's necessary.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I wouldn't think it's normal...Hubs and I are all about date nights when we have the energy (work sure sucks energy, no?)...


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

I'm sure that most people reading this don't care about a play-by-play. But, tonight I casually brought this issue up, about having a date night sometime, and I did not give her any pressure about it. "So what do you think about having a date night sometime, like I had mentioned earlier?"

She surprised me with several ideas she had already been thinking about. It made me feel really hopeful and happy. It just goes to show, if you address your issues the right way, you might be disappointed, but you might be pleasantly surprised. 

Going through this whole thing, you can have many ups and downs. But it's best not to let yourself be too "up" or be too "down" based on your spouse's reactions or behaviors.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Good luck to you.


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

sirwonder said:


> She surprised me with several ideas she had already been thinking about. It made me feel really hopeful and happy. It just goes to show, if you address your issues the right way, you might be disappointed, but you might be pleasantly surprised.


Thats really good news. I never got that kind of effort from my WW so it definitely seems like a positive to me.

Best of luck to you.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

sirwonder said:


> It's been four months since my wife's affair. Married 10 years, 3 kids. She "lost it" for me, fell out of love, whatever you want to call it, and had a short-lived PA. It's totally over, for sure. We were both ambivalent about continuing the marriage, her more so than me. But we both decided to work on our relationship to try to keep the family together. We have been going to MC and have made great progress in just a few months. Recently she has expressed remorse. It took her a couple of months to get there. We are very friendly with each other, and it seems like she enjoys our time together at home, but she's still not very comfortable with home life yet when I'm there.
> 
> Things seem to be progressing well. We are intimate and she tells me she loves me. But she doesn't have a desire to go out on a date with me! I don't really get it. There is some kind of discomfort she has that she doesn't show. She prefers to do things as a family unit and not just the two of us ever. She says that's where we can rebuild, through the family, and she can get closer to me that way and rekindle something. Sometimes we will meet for a drink or dinner before or after counseling, but we have not gone out on a single date on a weekend night. We hang out at home, or she makes plans with some of her girlfriends sometimes. Yes, I am certain she is with her friends when she goes out. There's no question. I know her friends, and there is no affair of any sort anymore. I just don't understand why she has no desire to go out on a date with me!
> 
> ...


IT's a RUGSWEEP. That's the problem here. Not a true RECONCILIATION. Read up on RUGSWEEPS VS. RECONCILIATION (See Lord Mayhem's threads)


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

Dadof3,

What part of my post sounds like Rugsweep?

She has asked me directly in counseling, "what would you like to know about the affair." Unlike some people, I don't want to know a lot of details. I asked what I wanted to ask, and she answered honestly. I know how it evolved, what went on, how she feels about it, how she feels about him now (doesn't like him). It was more like a drug for her, the attention, a friendship that went way too far, an escape from normal family life, etc. 

At this point, 4 months afterward, I don't see a lot of value in bringing it up all the time. Yes, I occasionally bring it up, and she addresses my feelings the best she can, but other than that, it's the past and I don't need to dig and talk about it that much. We need to work on the marriage. Of course she doesn't bring it up herself, why would she want too? She admits it was stupid, she feels awful, she's very sorry, has said if she could erase it, she would do it in a second. So, what do you think is rugsweeping? 

Can you point me to a specific post that makes my situation sound like rugsweep instead of reconciliation? 

It seems to me that nothing is gained with bringing it up all the time. We have to move on. I will express what I need to express about it sometimes, but I don't want to hold onto it anymore and keep rehashing it, and she doesn't either. I want to focus on the good in our relationship, and see if it can work. 

I don't expect her to get on her knees and beg for forgiveness and worship me. She fell out of love with me and made a huge mistake. It sucks, but I'm not going to treat her like she owes me now. That would never work. Yeah, she owes me remorse, love, respect, honesty, faithfulness in the future, wanting to be with me, wanting me as the #1 in her life, but what else?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Going back to the date thing, any updates on that?


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