# Spouse lied about unemployment money, should we separate?



## CammyB (Sep 15, 2021)

My spouse lies about money and doesn’t help with the adult responsibilities. Am I overreacting or should I seriously think of separating? We are both 32 years old and have been dating for ten years married 3 years. Wedding costs kept us from marrying sooner. We have 2 children together. We’ve always lived pay check to paycheck, until this year, after i doubled my income through certifications and promotions. He’s a great father and I do love him. In 2020, he was unemployed for 9 months due to COVID-19 and he told me he was receiving $300 a week from unemployment. He lied and was actually receiving $670 per week in unemployment money. I found out because he told me he wanted to buy a motorcycle with some cash he “saved.” His plan was to put down $2,500 and finance the rest. We weren’t able to pay the bills with my income alone at the time and it was stressful for me. I did have him use the unemployment for groceries. The money was given to him on a debt card he received from the government so I didn’t have access to the account as it was in his name only and I trusted him. When he mentioned he had money to buy a motorcycle while he was unemployed, I asked where he got the money. He claimed it was from birthday and Christmas money he received from family and only a small amount came from unemployment. I knew he was lying then. I asked for his password to the unemployment account. I found that he spent nearly $7,500 of unemployment money on video games, junk food, and cash he withdrew from the account. The video games were expensive! And I don’t know what he did with all the cash. He’s not on drugs. We could have paid off credit card debt or my student loans. I didn’t leave then because my brother had just passed away unexpectedly and I didn’t want to make any permanent decisions then. A year later, I still don’t trust my husband. He lies about little things. He says he lies to avoid an argument. I realize that I need to work on communicating as I do overreact. I’ll get upset and blame him or point out what I feel he did wrong. A councilor may help with our communication issues but I don’t know if it’s even worth it. He claimed he was depressed and that’s why he hid the money. He thought about suicide while he was unemployed. He’s been on antidepressants and says he’s not suicidal anymore. But, I don’t understand why he would hide unemployment money and make me deal with all the finances alone. Even when I caught him in the lie he tried to lie about where the money came from. He says his dad would hide money from his mom growing up but he realizes it’s wrong, now. There’s other issues. He won’t help around the house much. When he was unemployed, I worked full time and took care of the house chores including yard work. I have to beg him to help around the house. He says if I ask more than once that it makes him not want to do it. I know no one likes a nag and I don’t want to nag. But, if I ask only once he forgets. And it doesn’t get done. I’ve made lists. They get lost or he forgets about the list. Part of it is his tolerance for filth and my intolerance for filth. He says we need to compromise and I need to be more patient but I’ve literally left the laundry undone until our oldest child ran out of clean underwear and she washed the clothes before he did. I give our oldest chores so, she helps some. But, my husband will only do half of something and leave the rest or it won’t get done at all because he forgot. It’s just not important to him. I still work full time and he works as well now but I think he should help me more. I’m currently the bread winner and it bothers me that some months he can’t contribute any money because his business isn’t profitable. So not only am I still responsible for the bills, I am also cutting grass, raking leaves, cooking, cleaning, making sure homework is done, making doctors appointments, planning meals, and grocery shopping. This is hard. I don’t feel like I have a partner. I see he is trying to help but like I said half the dishes will get done and whatever couldn’t fit in the dishwasher will sit another couple of days in the sink. Or he won’t fold the clothes, he’ll put it in a pile on the table for days. He says he’s not lying about money anymore but with the way his job is he could very well be stashing cash. He started his own business (construction) and he pays a guy with cash to help him complete jobs. He’s not abusive and he’s a great father. Am I overreacting or am I being reasonable to consider separating?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He hides money, lies, doesn't pull his weight at home and (basically) acts like another irresponsible child who you have to support and take care of. Why are you with him, again?

He can be a great father living in his own place, too.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

CammyB said:


> So not only am I still responsible for the bills, I am also cutting grass, raking leaves, cooking, cleaning, making sure homework is done, making doctors appointments, planning meals, and grocery shopping. This is hard. I don’t feel like I have a partner. I see he is trying to help but like I said half the dishes will get done and whatever couldn’t fit in the dishwasher will sit another couple of days in the sink. Or he won’t fold the clothes, he’ll put it in a pile on the table for days. He says he’s not lying about money anymore but with the way his job is he could very well be stashing cash. He started his own business (construction) and he pays a guy with cash to help him complete jobs. He’s not abusive and he’s a great father.


So in other words, he's not beating the crap out of you or screaming in your face. And he's a "great" father (whatever the hell THAT means ...).

Yep. I'm with @Blondilocks on this one in wondering why you are with this man-child. 

P.S. - I'm sure he has plenty of time to play with the kids, since he apparently doesn't do jack-sh when it comes to anything else ....


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## CammyB (Sep 15, 2021)

Thanks for the input. I’m asking myself the same. I think I stay because I do love him and I don’t want to be alone. Also, I want our children to have a stable home but I do realize we are teaching them what an acceptable marriage looks like. Love isn’t enough; I need a partner. It’s just hard to separate or divorce when I still love him.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Your husband is a child. Demand the motorcycle money saved is spent on reducing any bills(credit cards). Then advise he needs to seek individual counseling to find out why he thought it is great to lie, hide money from the family and create a situation were all are struggling financially. If he has an issue with that advise he will need that money for a new place to live.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You say he's a great father, are you close to your father?

If he's a great father then that means you are ok if your kids grow up to be exactly like him, right? A father should be a role model, is he? Right now it looks like all he's teaching them is to use someone else and then call it love.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

No, you shouldn’t separate because he lied about unemployment money.

You should separate because you married a loser who is not competent or responsible enough to be an effective adult.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

CammyB said:


> I don’t want to be alone


What's so bad about being alone? It's not a terminal cancer diagnosis. And it's entirely probable you won't be alone the rest of your life. Stay if you think it's all about love. But from where I'm sitting, your husband sounds like dead weight to me. Maybe what you think is love is actually your neediness borne out of the fear of being alone. Seriously.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

CammyB said:


> Thanks for the input. I’m asking myself the same. I think I stay because I do love him and I don’t want to be alone. Also, I want our children to have a stable home but I do realize we are teaching them what an acceptable marriage looks like. Love isn’t enough; I need a partner. It’s just hard to separate or divorce when I still love him.


You love him but he doesn't love you. Would you watch someone you love struggle when you had the capacity to help? What's he's doing isn't love.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You have a dysfunctional marriage and your children will observe every bit of it as they grow up. Even worse, they will likely repeat the same dynamic in their relationships because that’s what they know. Doesn’t sound too good, does it?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

What is he actually bringing to the relationship? Sounds like your life might be less stressful on your own. Does he value you beyond the financial gift you are to him-- place to live, bills paid, A LOT OF FREE TIME to ride his new motorcycle?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Not wanting to be alone is a lousy reason to stay with somebody who lies to you & makes your life harder. You can do better.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Of course you are scared to be alone, fear of the unknown is a ***** to get over. It's probably the number 1 reason people don't do things they know they should in these situations. Think of all the changes that could happen,(don't be ridiculous about it) now compare those results with what you are facing now. What you are doing now (dragging a little child along in his little red flyer wagon) is most likely worse and one of these situations is probably better than what you are thinking.

I know you love this guy, if that truly is enough then stay with your situation. Otherwise kick him the **** out and begin the journey of your new life, one that allows the possibility that you will be happy at some point.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

It doesn't really matter what the specific issues are, your partner is a LIAR, because he is SELFISH. It's simply NOT possible to have any kind of functional relationship as an adult with someone like that. He is completely willing to betray your trust and hurt you (by withholding things from you) just so he can satisfy himself. Think of the actual implications of that! You are not emotionally SAFE in a relationship with him.

What you have is a toddler/parent dynamic going on -- he is refusing to grow up, and you are enabling his perpetual childhood...and that's going to be exhausting for you to deal with for the rest of your life.

You say you "love" him, but you need to recognize that you do not have a reciprocal, REAL love for him. It's actually very one-sided -- you love him, and he loves himself. Who loves YOU...??

Successful marriages are caring partnerships, they involve some sacrifice from the people in them at times, but it should never be only ONE partner doing all the giving and the other doing all the taking...and that is the only kind of marriage you can have with someone like him.

That is simply NOT sustainable...you might love him now, but that's only based on your shallow "feelings", and will change as he betrays you more and more and refuses to change. 

REAL, deep love is based on a solid TRUST in your commitment to caring for eachother -- is that what you have?? NO.

You need to decide what you want for your life and future, and if a selfish, lying toddler is the partner who is going to join you in what is important to you, or is he going to hurt you and sabotage all your efforts.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My experience is if they are liars, they’ll not have any trouble lying about cheating either .
I would ditch the lying man-child.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Doesn’t sound that great to me.

You’re a young lady with plenty of time to find someone else who isn’t a liar and lazy (if that’s the right word, if not then apologies).


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

CammyB said:


> We could have paid off credit card debt or my student loans.
> He says he lies to avoid an argument.


Interesting that you think he should use his unemployment money to pay your student loans.
If you're doing so well maybe you should use your income to pay your student loans.
I agree about the lies, I also avoid confrontation.


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## CammyB (Sep 15, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Interesting that you think he should use his unemployment money to pay your student loans.
> If you're doing so well maybe you should use your income to pay your student loans.
> I agree about the lies, I also avoid confrontation.


 I disagree that the unemployment money was “his” as we live in a community property state, meaning his debt and income is mine and my debt and income is his. He had debt only in his name that he aquired before we were married and I paid those bill payments while he was unemployed. It was a struggle. The money from unemployment should have gone towards the household not to himself while I struggled to pay OUR living expenses. I’m having a hard time forgiving him for it. I don’t know if he was just depressed and made a bad decision or if he’s just selfish and won’t change.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

CammyB said:


> I disagree that the unemployment money was “his” as we live in a community property state, meaning his debt and income is mine and my debt and income is his.


Community property laws only come into effect on divorce.
Until then he can spend his money how he likes.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Community property laws only come into effect on divorce.
> Until then he can spend his money how he likes.


Actually most married couples have an agreement as to how money will be managed. It isn't just his money just as she spent money on household items that benefitted him and money on a car that benefitted him. 

While you may do what you want with your money in your marriage and we all know how that goes by now....

She is justified to be concerned with the lies and the one way street.

Dump him already. He's not marriage material.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> He hides money, lies, doesn't pull his weight at home and (basically) acts like another irresponsible child who you have to support and take care of. Why are you with him, again?
> 
> He can be a great father living in his own place, too.


This. Not sure what you love about him. But there are people you can love but not live with and mingle money with. I don't actually mind if someone has a little secret money put away in case they need it for an emergency like getting out of a relationship, but using it on foolish childish things would be a deal-breaker for me.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Interesting that you think he should use his unemployment money to pay your student loans.
> If you're doing so well maybe you should use your income to pay your student loans.
> I agree about the lies, I also avoid confrontation.


She could have easily used her income to pay her student loans if he had contributed to the everyday expenses of the household (AND paid HIS personal debt that she paid while he played). She worked to better herself so she could have a better income, while doing everything else also. Interesting that you seem to think her husband's actions are just fine.

OP, I agree; you don't have a husband, you have a toddler who will never grow up. I honestly don't understand why you love him.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Pam said:


> She could have easily used her income to pay her student loans if he had contributed to the everyday expenses of the household (AND paid HIS personal debt that she paid while he played). She worked to better herself so she could have a better income, while doing everything else also. Interesting that you seem to think her husband's actions are just fine.


Her husbands actions are fine for the type of man he is.
And if he changed into the man she suggests she wants, she wouldn't want him any more.
OP needs to focus on the sort of man she really wants, feckless alpha, or wallet beta.
You can't have it both ways (unless you run 2 different guys).


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

double post


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds to me like the man was and is Depressed. Not "just depressed", not a child, but Depressed with a capital clinical D.

Setting aside all the "pile on the loser" stuff in the thread, it's a serious issue. Depression is no joke. I'm glad to hear he's on meds for it now.

Here are a few truths for you to maybe garner a bit of empathy for this man.
A man's core identity is tied up in his ability to provide for his family. This man suffered the biggest possible hit to his core.
Men don't like to argue with women. Yes, in a conflict he's likely to lie to defuse the situation because he doesn't want to argue. This is especially true for a man struggling with Depression.
He's admitted to Depression.
He's admitted to thoughts of suicide.

This is a man struggling with illness.

You can decide whether you want to help your husband deal with his Depression or not. Go or stay is your choice. But do not minimize the struggles he is having with his Depression by thinking of him as a man-child, or toddler, or loser, or any of the other insults in this thread. Read up on Depression. Try to find some empathy for that illness. It is very very difficult to do unless you've experienced it yourself.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> Sounds to me like the man was and is Depressed. Not "just depressed", not a child, but Depressed with a capital clinical D.


Really, I assumed the guy was a typical inner city 'gang member'.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> OP needs to focus on the sort of man she really wants, feckless alpha, or wallet beta.
> You can't have it both ways (unless you run 2 different guys).


I think you can have a wallet alpha


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Do you REALLY need to hear about how worthless this parasite is?

You married a lazy ass loser who's only too happy to let YOU do all the heavy lifting. Are you finding it rewarding to have to basically do everything for this worthless parasite except chew his food for him? 

And what kind of complete LOSER thinks it's an economical and wise decision to buy a man toy (with taxpayer money) when you're living paycheck to paycheck? Oh, that's right. That's_* YOUR*_ problem to deal with, not his. How on earth you put up with this turd is truly a mystery to me.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And what kind of complete LOSER thinks it's an economical and wise decision to buy a man toy…


Whoa whoa whoa let’s not hate on the “man toy”.


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## CammyB (Sep 15, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> Sounds to me like the man was and is Depressed. Not "just depressed", not a child, but Depressed with a capital clinical D.
> 
> Setting aside all the "pile on the loser" stuff in the thread, it's a serious issue. Depression is no joke. I'm glad to hear he's on meds for it now.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your perspective. Maybe I should try counseling with him first. If it was a decision made because of depression, I could understand and forgive. I’m just not 100% sure it was done because of depression or if he’s just selfish. I’m really worried he will lie about money again and put us in a bind. Maybe he doesn’t help as much because he’s still depressed? How do I know? How much longer should I wait for him to help me with life?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It seems he claims he was treating his depression by buying video games, fast food and who knows what else. Along with hoarding money to buy a motorcycle. Was he also treating his depression by not helping out and claiming he didn't want to do it if asked more than once?

The depression may be a smoke screen to get you off his back and you already suspect that is the case. The guy is 32 and acts like a teenager. Stop enabling him - you are stunting his maturation.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

CammyB said:


> Thanks for your perspective. Maybe I should try counseling with him first. If it was a decision made because of depression, I could understand and forgive. I’m just not 100% sure it was done because of depression or if he’s just selfish. I’m really worried he will lie about money again and put us in a bind. Maybe he doesn’t help as much because he’s still depressed? How do I know? How much longer should I wait for him to help me with life?


Ask yourself how he was before he lost his job. How has he been on his meds. And is that different than when he was in the depths of unemployment.

Depression can make a person do some crazy things. Gaming, for men especially, is a very common escape behavior that gets worse when struggling with depression. Irrational purchases for the quick dopamine hit is also a common behavior. As is giving up on daily tasks like laundry, cooking, etc.

It's very hard to understand unless you've experienced someone go through it.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Blondilocks said:


> It seems he claims he was treating his depression by buying video games, fast food and who knows what else. Along with hoarding money to buy a motorcycle. Was he also treating his depression by not helping out and claiming he didn't want to do it if asked more than once?
> 
> The depression may be a smoke screen to get you off his back and you already suspect that is the case. The guy is 32 and acts like a teenager. Stop enabling him - you are stunting his maturation.


That's exactly what depression does.








Behaviors in men that could be signs of depression


Depression in men may be masked by unhealthy coping behaviors, so it often goes undiagnosed and can have devastating consequences when untreated.




www.mayoclinic.org


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> That's exactly what depression does.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Then, obviously, the guy has been depressed for 13 years because it sounds like he has never been a true partner in the relationship.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Blondilocks said:


> Then, obviously, the guy has been depressed for 13 years because it sounds like he has never been a true partner in the relationship.


The story starts with unemployed in 2020. That's a short 13 years.


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