# Thank you



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I have said I would tell my full story when I am leaving TAM, and I have decided to leave. I will miss many posters here, posters who have helped me find my way through the darkest of times. I'm not fully healed, don't know if I ever will be, but I don't find staying here as cathartic anymore. Instead I find myself sometimes angry and definitely feeling low when reading a new story. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me through, I consider all of you to be angels with the grace you have shown towards me. I wish that you all find peace and happiness in your lives and God bless you all. 

As for the full story, this is the only part I haven't told. I'm sorry but my story is long so I will just summarize what I have told in other posts. I also apologize for being brief, much is going on in my life and I find I have very little free time. 

My wife had a six month affair with a coworker of hers.
We struggled through fertility, she had a miscarriage, and this was over a fifteen year time span.
My wife's affair began in the summer of 2010. 
The affair ended in January of 2011. 
My d-day was January 20, 2014. 
I told my sister of my wife's infidelity, only to find my sister had a fourteen year long affair herself.
We are reconciling. 
This is a brief recap of my story and it can be found in posts I have made.

The final part of my story is that the affair caused her to become pregnant. In the later months of 2011 she gave birth to identical twin boys. It was two and a half years later did find I was not the boys biological father. I am the only father these two beautiful boys know, I bathed them, changed them, played with them, taught them, and most of all, love them. I have decided that these two beautiful boys are innocent, and that God laid these boys at my feet to raise into honorable, respectful, and successful young men. 

Many may not understand my choice, many may say I am foolish or just plain stupid. Perhaps I am, perhaps I'm not, I can't control what others may feel about me. But I no way could I ever abandon these boys, in no way could I not give them less then one hundred percent of me. At the age of eighteen they will be told what happened, I will not stop or interfere with their wishes if they decide to seek out their biological father. That is their right, regardless of how I may feel personally. I have legal protection in place, I'm not staying out of fear of guilt. I have many reason to divorce my wife, I have many reasons to stay with my wife, I can raise these two innocent children whether divorced or married. 

Again I thank you all for your help towards me, it is greatly appreciated. I am leaving TAM, and I will not return to check this thread. I'm sorry for not mentioning posters specifically but the list that helped me is long, and perhaps this thread helps others to overcome what they thought to be impossible themselves. That is my last hope here, that maybe my story helps others. 

Goodbye,
drifting on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Damn, brother. No wonder your pain is so great. Every time you see them, you see your boys, but also your wife's betrayal.

I am sorry you have to go. Your insight into reconciliation is fantastic. You will be missed.

God bless.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Not judging, but I don't think I could do it. Good luck to you buddy.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@drifting on Godspeed my friend...may your road be blessed you deserve it...


----------



## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

@drifting on, I'm going to miss you. A few months ago, on a particularly bad day I was ranting. You and @Truthseeker1 calmed me down with your kind and encouraging words. I will always appreciate you, and you deserve all the happiness life can offer. Farewell.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ouch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

I will miss refreshing feeling of reading your posts. They have always been very thoughtful, insightful, and clearly expressed.... unlikely typical CWI's _alpha, alpha, more alpha_ drivel.

Good luck! You deserve only the best.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

@drifting on, I wish you and your family joy and peace. My respect for you is endless.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Good luck. I feel staying is obviously a commitment to a lot of work and that's admirable. 

As someone adopted, though, I recommend you tell the boys as soon as they can understand. You don't have ot tell them it was an affair - it could be a "sperm donor" which is the truth of their paternity. You are their father. But living a "lie" for 18 years is an awful long time. A lot of kids who are told the truth about their origin at a later date begin to question everything and feel their upbringing was all false. It's best, in my opinion, to merely say that mom and dad tried very hard to have babies and needed some help and while they may not be your blood type you are their father.

The rest is unnecessary.

Regardless, though - I see how eventually these threads can be triggers and no longer productive.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

That was quite difficult to read, but thank you for sharing. I hope your boys continue to bring you much happiness. 

You will be missed. All the best.


----------



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I respect you so damn much. To put your own pain aside to be there for your boys; and no doubt about it they are your boys is admirable and that word isn't enough to describe what you are doing. I am going to miss your posts here and the help you have given not only me but many here.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I have known this story for a while as Drifting On shared with me a while back. This has always been one of the most gut wrenching things that I have ever read. 

Drifting On, if you should happen to read this…..thank you for your friendship during my time on TAM. Thank you for settling me down when I would completely freak out. Thank you for your insight, your kind words, your offers to talk to my husband, the answers to countless private messages I sent completely beside myself, the times that I know you stayed up later than planned just to send a message making sure that I was ok, while you yourself were hurting. I will greatly miss you. 

Please take care of yourself and continue to love those boys as much as I know you do.


----------



## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Is great to hear someone that is considerate of the children involved, usually they are an after thought. God Bless you, I would do the same. You a good man.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

OMG there are not enough tissues in my home right now!

May I respectfully say a few things that popped into my head?

I looked at these beautiful twin boys as a gift to you. Other human beings to love and who love you back. Maybe not biological but they are human beings. Innocent. Some people have biological children, spouses and parents who hurt them or disappoint them. 

You just may have an opportunity here to find unconditional love. 
Both giving and receiving. 
That is a rarity these days.

You can teach them about life, moral character, strenghth, loyalty.

You can show them what committment really means.

You will teach them selflessness.

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

When my marriage fell apart, I got brother and sister littermates. Why?
Because they don't hurt me and they love me and I love them back. 

I wish you the very best. Inner peace. Acceptance. 

God Bless

VH


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I don't know what to say buddy except those boys will never know what their true father has done for them. By true, I mean you.

And maybe in the end that's all that really matters.

Peace, man.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

A profound loss to this forum. If there does indeed exist this notion of karma, you have a wealth of good coming your way. Good fortune to you.


----------



## Ckone1800 (Jul 13, 2015)

Thank you DriftingOn. You were an incredible post to lean on when I needed you. I appreciate everything you have done, not just for me, for everyone here on TAM and in your personal life. 

It helps put things into perspective, much needed reflection. 

I wish you peace and happiness. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> A profound loss to this forum. If there does indeed exist this notion of karma, you have a wealth of good coming your way. Good fortune to you.


Absolutely...he is a caring man who has taken responsibility for two souls when he could have ran...I wish the three of them peace and happiness...those boys are so lucky to have him...so so lucky...


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Well, you are a good man. I honestly don't think I would have gone that route. I would have forced my wife to tell the OM and make sure he helps raise them. Then I'd be gone.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Take really good care of yourself driftingon

Wishing you the absolute best.


----------



## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

@driftingOn

You have been a great help to me and many others on this forum. Thank-you for all of your insight and advice. You will be missed here but I respect your reason for leaving. I can't imagine the pain you must have endured in your journey, but I truly wish you and your family peace and happiness.


----------



## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Shalom and godspeed, Drifting.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

DO No man can stand in judgment of your choice to be the boys dad

Much respect to you young man

It takes far more than sperm to be a father

Your at peace with your choice which will keep you heart in good standing

All the best you will be missed

David

AKA 55


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Drifting on,

I don't know if you are still reading but I will give you a few perspectives as I am an OC, other child, myself. I was adopted out to a non-biologic family. My original family was destroyed by infidelity and divorce.

I think your boys should know that they are 1/2 adopted at an earlier age than 18, I knew I was adopted from a very early age and it help to soften the impact when I finally learned the whole story.

I think it helped because it was not like my adoptive parents were lying to me completely, only partially, I do resent that my Mother died without my ever seeing her again, except for visiting her grave. I was told a lie that my parents died in a car crash.

Do try to get a cash settlement out of OM for them, it could be the difference between them going to college or not, it's not you or your WWs money but their money. Does the OM know they are his?

Even given my history I don't think I could do what you are doing, or look upon a reminder of the OM day after day.

Good Luck, I wish you all the strength you will need.

Tamat


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Blessings to you my friend. You will be sorely missed on TAM but I take solace knowing the world is a much better place because of your presence.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your wife does not deserve you.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

bryanp said:


> Your wife does not deserve you.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A great man is he that is crushed by the weight of the world and left for dead by those closest to him. 

Digging himself out of the iniquity laden umbrage heaped upon him, he then stands up. He shakily dusts himself off and remarks....I am what I am.....still. A good man.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I spoke with my wife tonight for a few minutes, we have been very busy as of late. Tonight I told her of TAM, she never knew that I came here or that I posted. During reconciliation I needed a place of my own, I needed advice, and writing here was very cathartic. So many of you have helped me and never knew the impact of your words. 

I told my wife I was leaving here and that I had started this thread. I told her I didn't intend to post here anymore. My wife explained that by starting a thread and leaving was rude. I now see her point, I will respond on this thread and one other. You have all been very kind to me and in no way do I intend to be rude to any of you. So I owe it to all of you to respond to your posts. I sincerely apologize for my rude behavior after the kindness shown to me by all of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Drifting do what's best for you.
All the best.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Damn, brother. No wonder your pain is so great. Every time you see them, you see your boys, but also your wife's betrayal.
> 
> I am sorry you have to go. Your insight into reconciliation is fantastic. You will be missed.
> 
> ...



Farside, 

Thank you brother, you have been such an amazing poster to me, always knowing just what to post. From the bottom of my heart I say thank you, I only wish I could meet you in person, handshake and a hug, you deserve only the best. Peace and happiness to you, God bless you as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Not judging, but I don't think I could do it. Good luck to you buddy.



If you asked me ten years ago about this or that I would be doing this, I would say not a chance in hell. I also said an affair would be a deal breaker for me, then it happened and everything changed. I respect you very much, good luck and God bless to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

If I were in your shoes, I'd make whatever decision was nessessary to make my circumstances work out best. You're not rude. You're practical.

In any case, it's good to see you're not entirely gone.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Very touching. God bless, friend. 

Children are the best thing in life. Mine, or others that I interact with when I teach sports to those little gaffers. They never fail to both enlighten me and make me smile. 

I admire your commitment. Best wishes to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@drifting on, you'd previously mentioned that, though your D-Day (w/ respect to your wife's affair) was in January 2014, you'd had your suspicions for some time. What was it that initially fueled those suspicions?

Were you made aware of both the affair and the truth regarding your children's parentage at the same time? If not, how did you discover the latter?


----------



## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

You know what's best for you but keep in sight of your best interests as time passes 

if I may, please set up a bailout fund buy gold and silver a little at a time keep it safe and on the dl if you stay you have a nestegg 

You have a tuff row to hoe my friend


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thank goodness your wife is an expert in etiquette and rude behaviour. /ahem/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You have heard God's voice softly speaking to you, @drifting on ~ and have acted accordingly! Many men would have never mustered up the resolve and the unselfish love to ever do a scintilla of what it is that you have chosen to do for those precious innocent "sons" of yours!

There is a special place for you in Heaven, brother! Please be advised that your presence with us here at TAM will be noted!

You are loved, indeed!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Drifting on you are a wonderful man to put the little boys before yourself, you will reap the rewards much later on. I wish you every good thing and a life full of many rich blessings. Take care.


----------



## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Did she know or did she not know you were the father ?

By posting bits and pieces of your story and omitting a major crucial events, you have purposely mislead the people and did evryone a huge disfavor. But what you also did was to lead people into giving you a specific type of advice that you wanted to hear. That is being dishonest, both to yourself and the people posting on your threads. 

I read your posts the first time in Ckone's thread. The pain you feel and felt at her betrayal was abundantly visible in your posts. You posted about trying to kill yourself in one of the posts. You were still in a lot of pain and it made me hesitate about commenting about the nature of your relationship and heavy codependency. I don't recollect it exactly, but I also think you mentioned about your difficult childhood. Even now, you needed to have her approval to post again in this thread.

Even people posting that better men would have run away, please think about the implications of such statements. I get that people mean to be supportive but do not glorify a guy setting himself on fire. It is great that he is being a father to his non-biological kids. But that is not the problem here, is it ? He could well have married a woman already had kids, then this would not even be an issue. 

The fact that these kids represent her betrayal is inseparable.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I've read your posts from time to time. Pretty painful to read even not knowing your full story at the time.

How are you doing now?


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> @drifting on Godspeed my friend...may your road be blessed you deserve it...




Truthseeker

Thank you for being such a good friend to someone you have never met. You are a good man Truthseeker, I'm thankful for the conversations we have had. God bless and good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Retribution said:


> @drifting on, I'm going to miss you. A few months ago, on a particularly bad day I was ranting. You and @Truthseeker1 calmed me down with your kind and encouraging words. I will always appreciate you, and you deserve all the happiness life can offer. Farewell.




Retribution

You my friend I find to be a very unique poster, your posts can be funny yet make you think deeply. I always read your posts and find them very informative. It is my pleasure to call you a friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Ouch.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Gus

I don't think of you as Gus Polinski, I think you are more like uncle Buck, a very caring person with great wit who can also make you cry laughing. My respect for you is immeasurable, your use of words is amazing. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I think any bashing of Mrs. DO at this point is pointless. Many of us have known some of the details of her infidelity before this full exposure post was made. It was DO’s choice not to post the fine details until now. 

While it may be true that DO’s wife does not deserve him, it can also be said that many of us WS do not deserve our spouses if they decided to reconcile with us. The point is, DO made a choice to reconcile with her and be a father. It takes a special man to be a father, it takes an even greater man to be a father to children that are not biologically his. But in this case, they are HIS. He has chosen to be their father, to stay in their lives and to love his wife. I have the utmost respect for him in this regard. It takes an incredibly selfless person to put their pain to the side to give someone else a better life. While this pain runs deep, the betrayal runs deep….those two boys have a dad. They have a man that has chosen to love them. They have a man that has chosen to guide them, raise them, teach them, nurture and support them. And in return he receives the unconditional love of 2 boys that see what a great man their dad is. There are many children out there that do not get this amount of love from the men they share actual DNA with. 

So DO, as I’ve stated before, I applaud the man that you are. I have the utmost respect for you. And I wish you and your entire family the best that life has to offer.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

WOW.. There is no way I could do that. Is the OM in the picture? Does he know he has children? 

The kids are innocent. Your wife is not. 

C


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

adriana said:


> I will miss refreshing feeling of reading your posts. They have always been very thoughtful, insightful, and clearly expressed.... unlikely typical CWI's _alpha, alpha, more alpha_ drivel.
> 
> Good luck! You deserve only the best.



Adrianna

I have enjoyed our conversations, your honesty is refreshing. I have always felt you are a great poster, one who is compassionate yet honest to a fault. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> @drifting on, I wish you and your family joy and peace. My respect for you is endless.




Pluto

You are respected very much on my end also. Peace and happiness to you and your family as well. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Good luck. I feel staying is obviously a commitment to a lot of work and that's admirable.
> 
> As someone adopted, though, I recommend you tell the boys as soon as they can understand. You don't have ot tell them it was an affair - it could be a "sperm donor" which is the truth of their paternity. You are their father. But living a "lie" for 18 years is an awful long time. A lot of kids who are told the truth about their origin at a later date begin to question everything and feel their upbringing was all false. It's best, in my opinion, to merely say that mom and dad tried very hard to have babies and needed some help and while they may not be your blood type you are their father.
> 
> ...



Enjoliwoman

You bring up many very important points, I hope you don't mind that I pm you for advice. The last thing I want to is for the boys to feel their childhood was a lie. I only want what is best for my family as we have all been affected by this. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


>


I agree with Truthseeker and BryanP.

Driftingon, I agree with the others. You are an inspiration, both to deal with what you did and also to come here and help other people.

Like another said, I couldn't do what you did and reconcile. However, you found a calling in raising these two kids and good for you.

I couldn't imagine your shock in 2014. A shock that would have completely broken most men and women. Then to find out that your own sister (flesh and blood) had such a long term affair on top of that was probably like another betrayal to you. Enduring an affair is brutally hard as it is. That is divorcible. Enduring what you did with the kids not being yours biologically is on a whole different level. What your brother-in-law went through is also a life altering event, to me there's no coming back from a 14 year affair. And the thoughts of having to deal with the other man in dealing with the raising of the kids has to be an eternal reminder and further sadness.

I will never understand why people cheat or why they feel entitled to it but your story is tragic and there can be no making it up to you but you are a 'man's man' and a stand up guy for sharing your story.

One last point and I hope you don't trigger or object to what I say below. 

I did hear what some of the others said regarding when to tell the children and about where they came from. I too am adopted. I never cared to find out who my birth parents were, I was just glad they didn't abort me. Only you know your kids and what they can handle. I probably would tell them the truth. One of the consequences of your wife's affair is the truth only when you feel they can handle it. Your life has been altered, your psyche destroyed. The burden of the truth lies with your wife. That's on her. The kids do have a right to know at some point, the truth. That is just my opinion. But you know best.

Again, thanks for being an asset here and I only wish you the best for your future


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I agree wholeheartedly with Enjoli. I have an adult friend (from high school) who has a family member raising a daughter that is not his, and her mother insists she not be told, like ever. In this case, I don't even think it was the case of an affair, just the guy coming into her life when she was either already pregnant or the girl was a baby. The girl is in her teens now and it's stressful on the entire family to keep this lifelong secret. I can't imagine how she's going to feel if she ever finds out the truth .


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Satya said:


> That was quite difficult to read, but thank you for sharing. I hope your boys continue to bring you much happiness.
> 
> You will be missed. All the best.




Satya

I find you to be a very challenging poster, your posts have the person search deep within themselves which I find amazing. May you never stop posting here. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed said:


> I respect you so damn much. To put your own pain aside to be there for your boys; and no doubt about it they are your boys is admirable and that word isn't enough to describe what you are doing. I am going to miss your posts here and the help you have given not only me but many here.



5Creed

You have helped me so much, your selfless attitude towards helping a broken man was truly angelic. I have no words that would thank you for your help towards me. I pray for you each day that you and your family find peace and happiness. God bless you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> I think any bashing of Mrs. DO at this point is pointless. Many of us have known some of the details of her infidelity before this full exposure post was made. It was DO’s choice not to post the fine details until now.
> 
> While it may be true that DO’s wife does not deserve him, it can also be said that many of us WS do not deserve our spouses if they decided to reconcile with us. The point is, DO made a choice to reconcile with her and be a father. It takes a special man to be a father, it takes an even greater man to be a father to children that are not biologically his. But in this case, they are HIS. He has chosen to be their father, to stay in their lives and to love his wife. I have the utmost respect for him in this regard. It takes an incredibly selfless person to put their pain to the side to give someone else a better life. While this pain runs deep, the betrayal runs deep….those two boys have a dad. They have a man that has chosen to love them. They have a man that has chosen to guide them, raise them, teach them, nurture and support them. And in return he receives the unconditional love of 2 boys that see what a great man their dad is. There are many children out there that do not get this amount of love from the men they share actual DNA with.
> 
> So DO, as I’ve stated before, I applaud the man that you are. I have the utmost respect for you. And I wish you and your entire family the best that life has to offer.


 @LosingHim - I usually like your posts but you missed the mark in part here - we are applauding DO for being a really good man and if he Rs or not she still doesn't deserve him because her betrayal went as lot fvcking further than many WSs here on TAM..i think what people are reacting to is in the light of what DO is doing Mrs. DO looks even more reprehensible than she already looked...I don't see how she can every be redeemed in this life..


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, first, I want to say @drifting on, I wish you the best. I fully understand how continuing here could be detrimental to all the work that has been put into your reconciliation. I also know that sometimes, it's nice to come back to offer help, once you are in a position to do so. DO, I think you are still vulnerable, and understandably so. You have made your decision, and I respect you for choosing what YOU believe to be best for yourself as well as your family. I can't say whether I could do similarly, if my husband fathered a child of another woman. But, in every way that matters, those little boys are YOURS.

DO, you are always welcome back here, whenever you are up to it, if ever. And, there are some who would gladly advise you, going forward, if you choose. But that is ultimately up to you. Just know you have friends here who would like to hear from you, from time to time. 

Again, I wish you the best. Don't let the negative comments get you down, nor second guess your decision.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

sparrow555 said:


> So your wife cuckolded you ? Did she know or did she not know you were the father ?
> 
> By posting bits and pieces of your story and omitting a major crucial events, you have purposely mislead the people and did evryone a huge disfavor. But what you also did was to lead people into giving you a specific type of advice that you wanted to hear. That is being dishonest, both to yourself and the people posting on your threads.
> 
> ...


codependent he may be.......(and i'm not the one to say, because i heaven't read his other threads).

but it's in making our decisions and living them out that tell the true strength of our character.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Truthseeker
> 
> Thank you for being such a good friend to someone you have never met. You are a good man Truthseeker, I'm thankful for the conversations we have had. God bless and good luck to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @drifting on Thanks - I do hope you stick around..you have so much to offer folks here...


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

sparrow555 said:


> So your wife cuckolded you ?


That phrasing was not fvcking necessary...it detracts from whatever point you were tying to make @sparrow555


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> I have known this story for a while as Drifting On shared with me a while back. This has always been one of the most gut wrenching things that I have ever read.
> 
> Drifting On, if you should happen to read this…..thank you for your friendship during my time on TAM. Thank you for settling me down when I would completely freak out. Thank you for your insight, your kind words, your offers to talk to my husband, the answers to countless private messages I sent completely beside myself, the times that I know you stayed up later than planned just to send a message making sure that I was ok, while you yourself were hurting. I will greatly miss you.
> 
> Please take care of yourself and continue to love those boys as much as I know you do.




Losinghim

Your growth as a person is beyond amazing, you caught on so quick to the damage to your marriage and yourself. To this day you are in a struggle to better yourself and marriage, you haven't let up an ounce in learning and applying new strategies you have learned. You looked deep within yourself, your husband, and your marriage for solutions, items to fix. My respect for you is endless and yet during this time you helped me as well. You are an amazing person and I hope your reconciliation be a huge success. I hope you find peace and happiness, one who has the effort that you possess will be rewarded. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

giddiot said:


> Is great to hear someone that is considerate of the children involved, usually they are an after thought. God Bless you, I would do the same. You a good man.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Giddiot

Each day brings a new challenge, with that challenge brings pure joy in bonding with these boys. I look forward to many years of time spent with them doing whatever. You are a great person yourself. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> OMG there are not enough tissues in my home right now!
> 
> May I respectfully say a few things that popped into my head?
> 
> ...




Veryhurt

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. You have a heart of gold, and brimming with compassion. I hope that one day you no longer feel pain, and that your days are filled with smiles. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> That phrasing was not fvcking necessary...it detracts from whatever point you were tying to make @sparrow555


I think that was the one to which @LosingHim was referring in her post...


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> I think that was the one to which @LosingHim was referring in her post...


Ahh ok..thanks...that was not necessary at all...the rest of the post could be chock full of good advice but with an opening line like that many will stop reading..and understandably so...


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

drifting on said:


> Veryhurt
> 
> Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. You have a heart of gold, and brimming with compassion. I hope that one day you no longer feel pain, and that your days are filled with smiles. God bless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting On ~
Ditto !!
You're going to be fine, I just know it ! :wink2:
Always think warm and happy thoughts...... and as someone told me once, "Be Strong!"
VH


----------



## NewPhoenix5 (Dec 4, 2015)

drifting on, 

I have not read your previous threads or comments, but your story breaks my heart.

Not in sadness but in awe and gladness. It is not what life deals us that defines us. It is our capacity to love and be loved.

Your willingness and ability, in the face of such cruelty and abuse, to love those children is simply amazing. That you are really trying to hold this all together to somehow make a happy ending out of all of this is astounding. Your strength of character is one in a thousand.

I have five children aged 15 to 5. I watched my wife over time and repeatedly throw us under the bus to feed her addiction to be with another man. She raged on us as I watched her drive off to be with him month after month. Now, when it is all over and she is back, I struggle just to look at her at times. I am filled with rage, sadness, disgust, and pain. I am praying that those feelings fade, in effort, prayer, and time. and I do still love her.

When I look back at all of the things I have done to raise the children, I can't even remember having sex with her with any of our children. They are all mine I am sure (we are all O negative and they look like me), but I do not remember the act of impregnating her with any of them.

What I do remember is all the experiences I have raising them. Seeding the mother is only .00000001% of being a father.

To be honest, you get all of the best part of being a father.

So I have nothing but pure, concentrated respect and awe for you, sir.

Good luck and may God be with you in your struggle to reconcile and in your role as their true father.


----------



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

drifting on said:


> 5Creed
> 
> You have helped me so much, your selfless attitude towards helping a broken man was truly angelic. I have no words that would thank you for your help towards me. I pray for you each day that you and your family find peace and happiness. God bless you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Ahhh you make me cry with this; thank you drifting on! You are doing the hard work though; the other people you talk to are only the support~again only the utmost respect and what a lucky family to have you in their lives!


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

marduk said:


> I don't know what to say buddy except those boys will never know what their true father has done for them. By true, I mean you.
> 
> And maybe in the end that's all that really matters.
> 
> Peace, man.




Marduk

Thank you for the kind words, I have found through your posts that you are a very wise man. Not because of this post, but in other threads where your advice is very accurate. TAM is lucky to have you, as are all of the other posters. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> A profound loss to this forum. If there does indeed exist this notion of karma, you have a wealth of good coming your way. Good fortune to you.




NoChoice

The way you write I'm thinking you must be a writer. If you did write I can tell you I would read every book you write. Thank you for your kind words. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Ckone1800 said:


> Thank you DriftingOn. You were an incredible post to lean on when I needed you. I appreciate everything you have done, not just for me, for everyone here on TAM and in your personal life.
> 
> It helps put things into perspective, much needed reflection.
> 
> ...




Ckone

Writing in your thread was very cathartic for me. I wrote of all the pain and humiliation I felt in your thread. By writing in your thread I worked out many details to my own reconciliation, and if it helped you that's great. When I read your posts I could feel exactly what you were going through. What helped me so much was having people who had gone through the same, you can relate so much better. The last I heard your wife was still doing the hard work and things getting a bit better. I hope that continues for you. I hope that one day you and your family find peace and happiness amidst the turmoil brought into your life. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good luck.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

TX-SC said:


> Well, you are a good man. I honestly don't think I would have gone that route. I would have forced my wife to tell the OM and make sure he helps raise them. Then I'd be gone.




I understand what you are saying, but by forcing two people to do what they have no desire to do, would not be in the best interest of the boys. I also know that if you have no desire to be a parent then you probably won't be a very good parent. If you do something passionately then your heart is in it, raising children takes a lot with passion be only one of the components. I don't consider it to be my job to force OM into something he should have wanted to do. OM had sex, then like true scum dodged his responsibilities to these children.

ETA: I would be forcing my wife to be with OM. Not forcing her to raise them. She has been a great mother and devotes just as much time as I do with them. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

drifting on said:


> I understand what you are saying, but by forcing two people to do what they have no desire to do, would not be in the best interest of the boys. I also know that if you have no desire to be a parent then you probably won't be a very good parent. If you do something passionately then your heart is in it, raising children takes a lot with passion be only one of the components. I don't consider it to be my job to force OM into something he should have wanted to do. OM had sex, then like true scum dodged his responsibilities to these children.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed. I have two kids of my own, though they are older than yours. Knowing that the OM wanted nothing to do with them, you made the right call. Any ideas why your wife chose such a loser to cheat with?


----------



## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> That phrasing was not fvcking necessary...it detracts from whatever point you were tying to make @sparrow555


I never use the word in other contexts since it is disrespectful to the BS but what he described is the literal definition of the word. I feel I did not use it in a way to insult OP.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

TX-SC said:


> Well, you are a good man. I honestly don't think I would have gone that route. I would have forced my wife to tell the OM and make sure he helps raise them. Then I'd be gone.





Blossom Leigh said:


> Take really good care of yourself driftingon
> 
> Wishing you the absolute best.




Blossom

You are quite possibly the best human being I know. Your expertise and methods of helping people is your true calling. It is so natural for you and you excell with your passion. Thank you so much for your help, you are truly an amazing woman. God bless you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Did you find out why you couldn't have kids for 15 years and she got preggers so fast with the OM? Sounds like this might have been your only way to be a father, though how sad it had to happen this way.

Hope you are happy and don't have regret. If it was me, I'd divorce her, get 50% custody, and find a new wife to spend the rest of my life with. It's never too late to start over. Don't be miserable just because of the kids.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SofaKingWeToddId said:


> @driftingOn
> 
> You have been a great help to me and many others on this forum. Thank-you for all of your insight and advice. You will be missed here but I respect your reason for leaving. I can't imagine the pain you must have endured in your journey, but I truly wish you and your family peace and happiness.




Sofaking

Thank you for your kind words, even though I was wrong about your situation. I hope you also find peace and happiness. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

TeddieG said:


> Shalom and godspeed, Drifting.


TeddieG

Thank you, God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> DO No man can stand in judgment of your choice to be the boys dad
> 
> Much respect to you young man
> 
> ...



Just got it

Thank you for your support, I have found your posts very wise combined with great advice. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

bfree said:


> Blessings to you my friend. You will be sorely missed on TAM but I take solace knowing the world is a much better place because of your presence.




Bfree

Thank you for the kind words, your posts are very insightful. TAM is blessed to have you as are all the posters. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I think any bashing of Mrs. DO at this point is pointless. Many of us have known some of the details of her infidelity before this full exposure post was made. It was DO’s choice not to post the fine details until now.
> 
> While it may be true that DO’s wife does not deserve him, it can also be said that many of us WS do not deserve our spouses if they decided to reconcile with us. The point is, DO made a choice to reconcile with her and be a father. It takes a special man to be a father, it takes an even greater man to be a father to children that are not biologically his. But in this case, they are HIS. He has chosen to be their father, to stay in their lives and to love his wife. I have the utmost respect for him in this regard. It takes an incredibly selfless person to put their pain to the side to give someone else a better life. While this pain runs deep, the betrayal runs deep….those two boys have a dad. They have a man that has chosen to love them. They have a man that has chosen to guide them, raise them, teach them, nurture and support them. And in return he receives the unconditional love of 2 boys that see what a great man their dad is. There are many children out there that do not get this amount of love from the men they share actual DNA with.
> 
> So DO, as I’ve stated before, I applaud the man that you are. I have the utmost respect for you. And I wish you and your entire family the best that life has to offer.



To me, posts like this are as good as glorifying a woman in abusive relationship but won't divorce because she takes her marriage vows and religion very seriously.

In understand why you are doing it and probably your intention but some how I feel the wrong message is being sent.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Blossom
> 
> You are quite possibly the best human being I know. Your expertise and methods of helping people is your true calling. It is so natural for you and you excell with your passion. Thank you so much for your help, you are truly an amazing woman. God bless you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very humbled. Thank you for your kind words, Sir.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> A great man is he that is crushed by the weight of the world and left for dead by those closest to him.
> 
> Digging himself out of the iniquity laden umbrage heaped upon him, he then stands up. He shakily dusts himself off and remarks....I am what I am.....still. A good man.




SunCMars

Most of what you say is very accurate, however I have always viewed myself as an average man. I'm no different then anyone else, I work, provide, have fun with friends and family. Just your average Joe, but I thank you for your kind words. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Drifting do what's best for you.
> All the best.




tom67

Thank you and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Retribution said:


> If I were in your shoes, I'd make whatever decision was nessessary to make my circumstances work out best. You're not rude. You're practical.
> 
> In any case, it's good to see you're not entirely gone.




Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

alphaomega said:


> Very touching. God bless, friend.
> 
> Children are the best thing in life. Mine, or others that I interact with when I teach sports to those little gaffers. They never fail to both enlighten me and make me smile.
> 
> ...




Alphaomega

What sports do you coach and what is the ages of the kiddos? Thank you and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> @drifting on, you'd previously mentioned that, though your D-Day (w/ respect to your wife's affair) was in January 2014, you'd had your suspicions for some time. What was it that initially fueled those suspicions?
> 
> Were you made aware of both the affair and the truth regarding your children's parentage at the same time? If not, how did you discover the latter?




Gus

My wife's company leases vehicles, her boss and myself are very good friends. The leasing company called my wife and told her a complaint had been phoned in to the leasing company. The complaint was that two people were in the leased vehicle having sex. My wife told me about the phone call two days later as her and OM thought it would be bad if I heard it from her boss. My wife was not sure if the leasing company would call her boss or not. My wife also said the leasing company gets calls like this all the time. Without my wife knowing I called the leasing company, I spoke to the leasing representative for my wife and she confirmed they get these calls all the time. I then remembered my wife saying she had a new rep, so I called again and spoke to her old rep who confirmed the same. They get approximately three calls a week stating this very complaint. 

I found out the forest preserve this occurred in and had friends watch it. She never returned to that area. Two days after d-day (01/20/2014), your join date, I found out the kids weren't mine. I had suspicions of the affair, never found anything, and I can tell you with my job we get those same reports of vehicles parked and the occupants having sex. Very rarely do we actually find the occupants to be having sex. With the leasing company confirming the calls I had nothing. All I had was my gut.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

dash74 said:


> You know what's best for you but keep in sight of your best interests as time passes
> 
> if I may, please set up a bailout fund buy gold and silver a little at a time keep it safe and on the dl if you stay you have a nestegg
> 
> You have a tuff row to hoe my friend





Dash74

that sounds like a good idea, I just may start to buy gold. Thank you and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Thank goodness your wife is an expert in etiquette and rude behaviour. /ahem/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Matt

Lol!! Actually since she isn't so selfish anymore and now thinks of others I think she was right, hence my posts here. To tell you all of this and signing out for good was rude. Many people helped me and I should acknowledge the comments. Whether I agree or not to the comments she is right in that they deserve a response. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *You have heard God's voice softly speaking to you, @drifting on ~ and have acted accordingly! Many men would have never mustered up the resolve and the unselfish love to ever do a scintilla of what it is that you have chosen to do for those precious innocent "sons" of yours!
> 
> There is a special place for you in Heaven, brother! Please be advised that your presence with us here at TAM will be noted!
> 
> ...




arbitrator

Very humbling post you have written, I am at a loss of words. Thank you for your support and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

aine said:


> Drifting on you are a wonderful man to put the little boys before yourself, you will reap the rewards much later on. I wish you every good thing and a life full of many rich blessings. Take care.


aine

Thank you, your words mean very much to me. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

drifting on said:


> Matt
> 
> Lol!! Actually since she isn't so selfish anymore and now thinks of others I think she was right, hence my posts here. To tell you all of this and signing out for good was rude. Many people helped me and I should acknowledge the comments. Whether I agree or not to the comments she is right in that they deserve a response. God bless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would prefer someone who exhibits your level of wisdom and compassion to stay on TAM helping the new betrayed and the lost waywards who know they are doing wrong. 

Maybe your wife could sign up? Seriously. Her insights might be of help, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I would prefer someone who exhibits your level of wisdom and compassion to stay on TAM helping the new betrayed and the lost waywards who know they are doing wrong.
> 
> Maybe your wife could sign up? Seriously. Her insights might be of help, too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think this should be DriftingOn's space alone..


----------



## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Gus
> 
> My wife's company leases vehicles, her boss and myself are very good friends. The leasing company called my wife and told her a complaint had been phoned in to the leasing company. The complaint was that two people were in the leased vehicle having sex. My wife told me about the phone call two days later as her and OM thought it would be bad if I heard it from her boss. My wife was not sure if the leasing company would call her boss or not. My wife also said the leasing company gets calls like this all the time. Without my wife knowing I called the leasing company, I spoke to the leasing representative for my wife and she confirmed they get these calls all the time. I then remembered my wife saying she had a new rep, so I called again and spoke to her old rep who confirmed the same. They get approximately three calls a week stating this very complaint.
> 
> ...


Did you ever have doubts of the paternity of your kids prior to d-day? Did your wife realize you weren't biological father prior to d-day?


----------



## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Dash74
> 
> that sounds like a good idea, I just may start to buy gold. Thank you and God bless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look at a prepaid visa amx ect and get a p.o box to ship to, remember keep on the dl

And buy from a place that will buy it back from you I like apmex because it's in the same state as me so I have a quick turn around if need be


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

sparrow555 said:


> So your wife cuckolded you ? Did she know or did she not know you were the father ?
> 
> By posting bits and pieces of your story and omitting a major crucial events, you have purposely mislead the people and did evryone a huge disfavor. But what you also did was to lead people into giving you a specific type of advice that you wanted to hear. That is being dishonest, both to yourself and the people posting on your threads.
> 
> ...



Sparrow

You are entitled to post what you wish, however most of this post is not true. I never once asked for advice on whether to reconcile or divorce. If I had sought that advice and omitted one major crucial point I would then be leading, no scratch that, I would then be manipulating people to respond as I wish. Didn't happen though so how I manipulated anyone or lead astray as you say is false. I didn't lead, manipulate or steer advice in any direction. 

Most of my posts were how I felt when I was in the same position as the OP. On ckones thread I explained what, how, everything of what I felt WHEN I WAS IN HIS POSITION. I could relate to what ckone was saying. Yes I told ckone to get help if needed so he wouldn't be suicadal like I was. That is not leading astray or steering or manipulation. You are actually pretty far off base here. As for codependency you are even farther off base. In fact I'm beginning to wonder if you are even in the ballpark. But let's take this even further, where did I say I had to check with my wife or ask my wife to post again? I didn't say that at all. I said I told her about this website, as she had no idea about it. I told her as this was the last unknown about the affair. I have zero secrets and if she would like she can now read it. Where is that asking for permission to post? Since I was leaving TAM and not planning to post again I filled her in on this site. However, she thought it would be rude to post a thread, receive comments and replies only to never post again. After some thought I agreed with her. Show me where the question is asking if I may post again. 

As for your opening paragraph, I take it as argumentative and as an insult. I would think most everyone here knows the definition of cuckold. But to have to say that as you did, I take as an insult. 

Oh, and yes, I can look at these boys and not think of the OM at all, a little more difficult looking at my wife and thinking of the OM. It is separable. If I missed anything please let me know, I'll answer that right after you highlight and post where I asked my wife for permission to post. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> I've read your posts from time to time. Pretty painful to read even not knowing your full story at the time.
> 
> How are you doing now?




Marc878

I have moments where I dwell on something and I feel the pain a little sharper. Overall each day is a dull pain that just really annoys you. I'm at two years so I'm hoping that in three more years this pain will be barely noticeable. So I'm healing albeit slowly but I am healing. I'm still in therapy but the therapist is very happy with where I'm at. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

So painful to read, wow, no matter what you are a great man and one of honor, your posts are some of the best reading I ever saw in TAM, you always spoke from your heart. God bless and wish you the best life can give you. 

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


----------



## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

OOOOOOH DOOOOOO!!!!!

I checked in on my phone from work during a break and ended up sobbing in my room. I feel torn. I am so sad that you had to go through more pain than most of us could ever conceive of... I am also so happy that you were given a chance to be a wonderful father to some beautiful boys and that you found the strength to move through that dark abyss. Life has its ways of bringing us to our knees then helping us stand up again. 

And now for a public service announcement about your wife...
Your wife is like any other Wayward in that she did what she did. Inexcusable, indefensable(sp?) The fact that she got pregnant was a crap shoot. It could happen to anyone in an A. It doesn't make her character any worse than any other wayward. The fact that she chose to keep the babies when she easily could have aborted without you ever being the wiser says something about her love period. It was love that enabled her to do that. 

Does she deserve you? It doesn't matter. You have chosen to make a life and family together. You have chosen to make a new marriage based on honesty, vulnerability and unconditional love. That can't be wrong.

You have been a comfort and an inspiration to me.You were kind when you didn't need to be. You never judged when you easily could have. When I was on the edge of crazy you were there and kept me going. I will be eternally grateful for your encouragement and candour. 

And LOL I had to laugh- I too can only see Gus as Uncle Buck. When I read his post its with John Candy's voice. 
All the best to you and your family. I think there is much joy ahead.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

nursejackie said:


> OOOOOOH DOOOOOO!!!!!
> 
> I checked in on my phone from work during a break and ended up sobbing in my room. I feel torn. I am so sad that you had to go through more pain than most of us could ever conceive of... I am also so happy that you were given a chance to be a wonderful father to some beautiful boys and that you found the strength to move through that dark abyss. Life has its ways of bringing us to our knees then helping us stand up again.
> 
> ...


Agree with a lot of this except the highlighted - ummmm keeping the boys paternity a secret does make it worse...on the cheating scale from bad to really really really fvcking bad she is really really really fvcking bad - and that is a reflection on her and her lack ofcharacter...please dont pretend she is just an average cheater she is not - she piled on more deception that will impact 3 lives...DO is the hero is all of this not her..


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I think this should be DriftingOn's space alone..


Ordinarily, I would say we should have both, but on this one, I agree with you.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Ordinarily, I would say we should have both, but on this one, I agree with you.


If she needs a forum she can go to SI - she will have a cheering section there...


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> If she needs a forum she can go to SI - she will have a cheering section there...


Maybe she doesn't WANT a cheering section?

Unless you know for certain that she does your remark just looks less than helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Maybe she doesn't WANT a cheering section?
> 
> Unless you know for certain that she does your remark just looks less than helpful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was being sarcastic but I stand by my original comments this should be DO's space alone....


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

​


Truthseeker1 said:


> I was being sarcastic but I stand by my original comments this should be DO's space alone....


Other couples have benefited from being together on TAM.

The only real problem had been when some flamers have turned their napalm guns on the waywards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> ​
> Other couples have benefited from being together on TAM.
> 
> The only real problem had been when some flamers have turned their napalm guns on the waywards.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i dont want to speak for DO - but I'd counsel him to leave TAM as his space and have his wife find another one if she so desires...


----------



## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Sparrow
> 
> You are entitled to post what you wish, however most of this post is not true. I never once asked for advice on whether to reconcile or divorce. If I had sought that advice and omitted one major crucial point I would then be leading, no scratch that, I would then be manipulating people to respond as I wish. Didn't happen though so how I manipulated anyone or lead astray as you say is false. I didn't lead, manipulate or steer advice in any direction.
> 
> ...



Good for you and Good luck .


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Agree with a lot of this except the highlighted - ummmm keeping the boys paternity a secret does make it worse...on the cheating scale from bad to really really really fvcking bad she is really really really fvcking bad - and that is a reflection on her and her lack ofcharacter...please dont pretend she is just an average cheater she is not - she piled on more deception that will impact 3 lives...DO is the hero is all of this not her..


I agree Truthseeker. DO may have reconciled with his wife but to some of us, what his wife did was as miserable as it gets. There are levels of cheating IMO and none of it is good but keeping the boys paternity test a secret should be a crime.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> ​
> Other couples have benefited from being together on TAM.
> 
> The only real problem had been when some flamers have turned their napalm guns on the waywards.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


hard not to turn the guns on them Matt, considering what they did in the first place and the damage they caused. 

Yes, their BS are trying to reconcile but damn, these stories hurt us too and trigger us as well. Some BS give mixed signals, some just take pure abuse.

On SI, they have a wayward section and many waywards fortunately are very aggressive with the waywards who go there and have no remorse.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> I agree Truthseeker. DO may have reconciled with his wife but to some of us, what his wife did was as miserable as it gets. There are levels of cheating IMO and none of it is good but keeping the boys paternity test a secret should be a crime.


Agreed..this is not the case of a brief affair but there is much more to it...many more layers of deception and lying - its like assualt v. aggravated assault..the second crime being worse and getting more jail time...


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Drifting, much of the comments and many of the questions might be painful. Please please do not feel obligated to respond or even read. And take a break from time to time. Your mental health is paramount.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Agreed..this is not the case of a brief affair but there is much more to it...many more layers of deception and lying - its like assualt v. aggravated assault..the second crime being worse and getting more jail time...



agreed again brother


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

When we get to heaven, I am going to wrestle you to the ground and give you a knuckle rub!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. If you can't tell, I am beyond outraged!

You ever have your own bio kids?
Is that out of the question now?

God knows she at least owes you that!

I really don't think you are thinking straight about this and no wonder after she did so much terrible damage to you.

I have seen a lot and this is off the scale!

WHAT REPERCUSSIONS HAS SHE HAD!!????

HOW THE HELL CAN SHE EVEN REPAIR THIS!!!????

I have never felt good about your reconciliation.

Please, please reconsider.

You shouldn't have to be drugged to even exist day to day with her.

That should be a wake up call.

You are not well and not healing.

I have been able to tell from your posts all along that it wasn't the right choice.

Health brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S.S. Your wife is not incapable of redemption but that doesn't mean you need to be married to her.

Your health is continuing to suffer.

How long have you been on drugs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Please forgive me if I expressed my anger and distress at your situation incorrectly.

I will confess that I feel an attachment to you.

You know I lost a good friend from similar circumstances.

If this is your choice then you better allow yourself to fully heal damn it!!!!

Taking drugs only masks the symptoms and doesn't treat the wound. Clean that damn wound out and really get healthy and strong!

If you chose her despite her overwhelming evil, then be confident and strong and healthy!

That is my concern. You are continually devastated or in a state of pain. 

That is no way to live. I am sincerely concerned brother.

I might be a rough son of a b1tch but I also really care. First for you and your kids and, believe it or not, your wife to.

Do you understand where I am coming from?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## weltschmerz (Feb 18, 2016)

Read your first post, brutal!

I have to ask did the revelations that your children were not your own bring the affair to light?

Brutal indeed. Can't tell you what to do or what's best for you and your kids but its abundantly clear that you're going to deal with this for some time to come. Keep your chin down and fight on.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Best wishes to you.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> When we get to heaven, I am going to wrestle you to the ground and give you a knuckle rub!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




ConanHub


I do not intend for this comment to in any way seem sarcastic, but I look forward to this above, but you may be unable to wrestle me down and get a knuckle rub of your own! I have perceived this as when you tell a good friend you will kick his butt and pound some sense into him. Like how brothers fight until exhausted and then shake hands. All is then good between them. Your concern and anger over my situation is very humbling, it is also very much appreciated. I read your posts within 15 minutes of your posting, so this morning I noticed the edits from last night. I am not angry with you in the least, as I said I am humbled. 

Your posts are written with care and concern for myself that come out as anger from you. However, this anger is stemming from your care and concern, this is why I am humbled and completely understand what your true message is to me. You have given me so much to digest I don't want to respond in haste, so I will respond to you throughout the day to you. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN, I understand your concern.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

Drifting,

If this is a question that touches a nerve, please just ignore it. But I wonder how you are able to reconcile your decision to go "all in" in raising these boys, when you know your wayward wife could just rip them from you without a second thought? I don't mean to be cruel, but you do know that she is capable of insidiously evil behavior. Her demons will surface again. What happens to the kids and you when she decides to run off with another OM?

You will have no claim to the children except as a child support payment.

Don't you think this would be devastating to those boys, especially as they bond with you?

I am curious how you assessed this risk and still decided to be fully invested in their lives? I could not. Knowing that the woman you were raising these children with could so easily destroy them and you; that she has all the power and she is clearly capable of unspeakable cruelty, such as ripping them from your love, I could not risk that future damage to those children.


----------



## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

> You will have no claim to the children except as a child support payment.


Not true - at least not in the States.
He is in every sense of the word their father.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> I think any bashing of Mrs. DO at this point is pointless. Many of us have known some of the details of her infidelity before this full exposure post was made. It was DO’s choice not to post the fine details until now.
> 
> While it may be true that DO’s wife does not deserve him, it can also be said that many of us WS do not deserve our spouses if they decided to reconcile with us. The point is, DO made a choice to reconcile with her and be a father. It takes a special man to be a father, it takes an even greater man to be a father to children that are not biologically his. But in this case, they are HIS. He has chosen to be their father, to stay in their lives and to love his wife. I have the utmost respect for him in this regard. It takes an incredibly selfless person to put their pain to the side to give someone else a better life. While this pain runs deep, the betrayal runs deep….those two boys have a dad. They have a man that has chosen to love them. They have a man that has chosen to guide them, raise them, teach them, nurture and support them. And in return he receives the unconditional love of 2 boys that see what a great man their dad is. There are many children out there that do not get this amount of love from the men they share actual DNA with.
> 
> So DO, as I’ve stated before, I applaud the man that you are. I have the utmost respect for you. And I wish you and your entire family the best that life has to offer.




Losinghim

I completely understand this post, I can see the anger and the clenched fists you had in your pauses while typing this. Possibly even hear the swearing that emitted from your lips as you read about the bashing of my wife. Now the 2X4's may come out swinging here but I will take my chances. We are all human, filled with our fallacies, flaws, imperfections, and whatever else a human being is. I am not perfect even though I try to be perfect, this may actually cause me to be even more flawed as I try to attain what is not even possible. I hold myself to high standards, but don't hold others to the same, it is the way I am built. Everyone here has heard my story now, but you have only heard my side, there are always two sides to every story. My wife, out of respect to me has declined to comment or even read what I have written, her reason is because she has said, "I lived it, I caused it, and I can never take back what I have done". "I do not feel the need to live through this twice as my shame is very damning". 

I understand what my wife is saying, and I can tell you that since d-day she has not once hid from my pain or suffering. She has held me while I was in the fetal position sobbing uncontrollably. She has stood face to face with me in my darkest times, never once cowering to support me, when she thinks I can't see her her pain reflects from her face like a lighthouse beacon. There is no mistake the pain she is going through is possibly worse then mine. I say this because, I SEE IT. Losinghim, I am sure you have felt the same as my wife, the pain and shame you feel each and every day. A person who cheats and is truly remorseful will feel pain, shame, guilt, unworthy, hopeless, and many other emotions. One who can do the unthinkable and cheat and then show what I wrote above are not bad people. They made a bad choice, and the consequences for my wife and Losinghim will last a lifetime because they are truly remorseful. I am actually sad that my wife and Losinghim will feel pain for the rest of their lives, but it is the consequence of their choice that they so dearly wish they could choose differently. 

I have said many times I post from the heart, that shows my vulnerability which can also be mistaken for weakness. I post this way as I realized my situation was most likely not possible to come back from. The failure rate for my situation is basically like trying to re-enter from space that is a very small window. I can tell you both my MC and IC both raked me over the coals to see if I 1) understood the work involved, 2) was strong enough, 3) if we both were prepared to take this head on. There is no possible way for me to get through this without bad days, dark hours, or crying uncontrollably. This is all included in the nature of the beast we are both dealing with. I have shared some of how my wife has done through this process, but again not all. In Losinghim I see much of the same in my wife, my wife has also grown during this time. 

Cheating brings risks, risks that have a huge spectrum, and most anything can happen. From pregnancies to STD's, from pain to sorrow. My wife's cheating brought on a pregnancy, we have decided to deal with this the way the both of us decided separately. My wife had a decision to make as did I. If that meant our decisions brought us together or divided us was unknown at the time. Just because I chose to reconcile did not mean we would make it, many things stood in our path to divide us. We are tackling these issues together just as Losinghim and J will do, the key is together. We need to be a united front to even possibly have a slim to none chance. Many things going against us but together we navigate our way through the minefield. There is no time for celebrating as each time we get through a mind irks we stand before another. Together we support each other, we push each other, and we stand together united working through this hardship. 

Redemption has been brought up, and I've been asked if my wife can redeem herself. My first thought is, can anyone be redeemed fully for their sins? Who decides when they have redeemed themselves? Me? You? God? I think redemption is in the eye of the beholder just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If I say my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world, are all other women then ugly? No, that means to me my wife is the most beautiful to me, nobody else. B1 will say EI is the most beautiful, or J will say Losinghim is the most beautiful. Each are beautiful in their own ways, and to each of us we have the most beautiful wife. My wife has her work cut out for her to redeem herself, but she is on the correct path. I think in my case I will leave it up to God to be the judge for redemption. 

Some people have said they have no pity, empathy, or sympathy for my wife. I can understand this way of thinking, but to those who have said this I ask you this. Why? Do you wish this person to remain broken? Do you wish that a BS who choose to reconcile remain with a broken person? Why would you not support and have empathy or sympathy for someone who is striving to become a better person? If people want to bash my wife, fine, but I can tell you this, anything you write probably wasn't already thought of by me. I am guilty of bashing also, but truthfully it doesn't help me, the poster, or the WS. Sometimes 2X4's are needed, but bashing a WS who gets what they did is only detrimental to the WS spouse. How is that helping?

I have more to say but have to run at this time. Losinghim, I thank you for posting this. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

drifting on said:


> Gus
> 
> 
> 
> ...


DO- I did an at home DNA test with my boys. Got the kit, did the swab inside the cheek and sent it in. The results came back a few days later. Did you use the same type of DIY kit?

Anyway, I know that I could not take the path you are choosing in life. However, I wish you and your family all the best as you continue to navigate your path. 

Given the age of your boys, it won't be long before you can have them enrolled in sports. I think we were able to start at the age of 5 with soccer. 

Peace, healing and happiness
WD


----------



## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

americansteve said:


> Not true - at least not in the States.
> He is in every sense of the word their father.


Your claim is interesting and I am curious what State you live in. Mine requires that the non-biological father proves (yes, prove!) that it is in the best interest of the child(ren) that he remain in their lives. If the biological parent (mothers) argues against that, the court generally sides with the biological parent.

I am not saying Drifting's wife would do this, but she could also claim abuse and that would end it for Drifting. He could get a million character witnesses and no judge would offer a non-biological FATHER unsupervised visitation if he suspected abuse.

Drifting has already bet on his wife's love and fidelity and lost in a big way. Bonding with those children beyond this age is a dreadful risk he is taking given that the mother, who although seemingly extremely remorseful, is clearly capable of extraordinary self-destruction and ability to lie. The next time her demons appear, it is more than Drifting that is on the line - it is the emotional well being of those kids.

I applaud his amazing capacity for love. What he is doing is selfless and truly inspiring. But the risk factors are higher and more impactful for those boys. He clearly has considered this, and decided to go forward. But the potential for a disastrous outcome for those boys is there.


----------



## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

Doc Who said:


> Drifting,
> 
> If this is a question that touches a nerve, please just ignore it. But I wonder how you are able to reconcile your decision to go "all in" in raising these boys, when you know your wayward wife could just rip them from you without a second thought? I don't mean to be cruel, but you do know that she is capable of insidiously evil behavior. Her demons will surface again. What happens to the kids and you when she decides to run off with another OM?
> 
> ...



It is getting close to midnight in Islamabad but you aren't sleeping yet, Dr Who? It must be the pain.... it's palpable.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

adriana said:


> unlike typical CWI's _alpha, alpha, more alpha_ drivel.


Yet your approach and advice on how to treat discovered infidelity is quintessential alpha behavior.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

drifting on said:


> The final part of my story is that the affair caused her to become pregnant. In the later months of 2011 she gave birth to identical twin boys. It was two and a half years later did find I was not the boys biological father.


Heinous.



drifting on said:


> I am the only father these two beautiful boys know, I bathed them, changed them, played with them, taught them, and most of all, love them. I have decided that these two beautiful boys are innocent, and that God laid these boys at my feet to raise into honorable, respectful, and successful young men.


Call me the bad guy but I don't think I could do that. I just don't think I could.

They have a father. I shouldn't feel obligated to absolve him of his responsibilities even if he chooses to neglect them.

Men have biological instincts put in place since cavemen days to prevent this exact scenario from unfolding.

I DNA tested my kids but fortune favored me. Thank god, I've never been faced to make that choice.

Good Luck.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Doc Who said:


> Your claim is interesting and I am curious what State you live in. Mine requires that the non-biological father proves (yes, prove!) that it is in the best interest of the child(ren) that he remain in their lives. If the biological parent (mothers) argues against that, the court generally sides with the biological parent.
> 
> I am not saying Drifting's wife would do this, but she could also claim abuse and that would end it for Drifting. He could get a million character witnesses and no judge would offer a non-biological FATHER unsupervised visitation if he suspected abuse.
> 
> ...


That's a crazy law, Doc. Ripe for abuse.


----------



## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

drifting on said:


> Some people have said they have no pity, empathy, or sympathy for my wife. I can understand this way of thinking, but to those who have said this I ask you this. Why? Do you wish this person to remain broken? Do you wish that a BS who choose to reconcile remain with a broken person? Why would you not support and have empathy or sympathy for someone who is striving to become a better person? If people want to bash my wife, fine, but I can tell you this, anything you write probably wasn't already thought of by me. I am guilty of bashing also, but truthfully it doesn't help me, the poster, or the WS. Sometimes 2X4's are needed, but bashing a WS who gets what they did is only detrimental to the WS spouse. How is that helping?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



DO,

You are such an eloquent speaker. This is what B1 has said to me all along. From very early on, he said "I want you to heal, the children and I need you to heal. We deserve the very best of you." So, when I say, as I have often stated on TAM, that none of the verbal bashing towards me was helpful in our reconciliation, this is exactly what I was referring to. To wish only DO, and his boys well, without wishing his wife well, too, when he clearly intends to remain in the marriage makes no sense. But, even if he were to change his mind and choose to end the marriage, which would be completely understandable, his wife would still be the mother of the two boys whom DO loves with every ounce of his being. Her well-being and recovery matters, too. 

Those who sought to understand our story, not just B1's, or mine, but our whole story, together, and who gave us advice on how to best move forward, rather than focusing on punishing me, and making sure I was kept in my proper _wayward spouse_ place, were instrumental in the incredible success of our recovery. 

B1 loved the Reconciliation thread, but the bashing that occurred outside of that thread is what eventually drove him permanently away from TAM. It's not to say that hard truths should not be acknowledged, but there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it. I heard plenty of hard truths on TAM, and when it was delivered with my best interest in mind, I was able to learn from it, even when it hurt. When it was delivered with venom spewing and malice towards me, it often left me feeling hopeless and too vulnerable to fight my way back. How truly sad it would be if B1 and I had never come to the place we are now, because I had allowed others to convince me that I had no worth, no value, no choices, and no rights. R may not be for everyone, and in some cases, it's not the right choice, but the choice lies only with the two people within the marriage. 

I think that no one could deny DO's right to walk away from this marriage, and even these children. Some men would have to in order to survive and to preserve their own sanity? I think it takes an extraordinary man to do what he's doing. DO, like B1, is an extraordinary man.


----------



## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> That's a crazy law, Doc. Ripe for abuse.


Tell me about it. Having to prove your continued contact with the child(ren) is in the best interest of the child just because you are not the bio-dad is ludicrous.

And of course, this changes if you have adopted the child(ren). Then the presumption is on the side of the father. But just living as a married couple insures little for the non biological father.

Oh, and another thing. If the OM ever wants to get back into their lives (not likely it sounds), DO could not deny it AT ANY TIME. He is at the mercy of the OM, unless the OM formally waives his parental rights.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

DO,

Is the OM a part of the children lives? Does he have visitation rights? Paying Child support? Maybe you already answered this and if you did I am sorry for repeating the question. 

C


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Please forgive me and ask your wife if she will as well. I often lead with my emotions, expend them and then I can think.

I am truly sorry for my outburst that I deleted.

I am still concerned for your health.

I hope you are a believer cause I'm going to talk like one.

The only way through this with sanity and health is with God's strength, mercy, forgiveness and transformation.

I hope your wife is an absolutely different woman. The old her deserves a shallow grave at best. I hope she has lain that person she was to rest for eternity.

On to you.

You need to become a different, healthy, person as well. She killed who you were in part. Let him go and embrace your future.

What you had is ashes.
Don't try and hold onto what was.

It is like trying to keep a wounded leg that is too infected and is killing the rest of the body.

You need a new life.

Maybe you need to let go.

Maybe the woman in front of you can be viewed as a previously out of control and screwed up person who has changed and you met a single mom and took her children as your own.

I'm not in a good way myself.

I came as close to taking my own life two weeks ago as I ever have.

I'm not emotionally able to go into it yet and I'm seeking professional help to sort myself out.

Again, I'm very sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I know this is DO's thread but I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you Conan.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Please forgive me and ask your wife if she will as well. I often lead with my emotions, expend them and then I can think.
> 
> I am truly sorry for my outburst that I deleted.
> 
> ...




ConanHub

I am deeply sorry I have not been able to post very much today. I have just gotten out of court, I'm helping my sister in law who's ex husband has been stalking her and making threats, she is a complete wreck over this and has been staying at various family and friends houses. But I felt an urgent need to give a quick response here. You mentioned you felt a bond between us, I have respected and admired your posts, even the one you deleted in this thread. That's right Conan, because it came from a place of caring and was not spewed with venom. Let's look at this realistically, no matter what you type about my wife or anyone else, it looks horrible. That's because it is horrible. But it doesn't have to be written in a way that is using venom. You didn't do that at all, so you owe no apology towards me in any way.

As for the taking of your life, please get help, and if you need a brother who knows how that feels I'm a pm away. You better be safe Conan, because brothers rely on each other. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

DO,

I respect you a lot for choosing to R and to be there for your wife and children. It also helps a great deal that your wife feels shame for her wicked behavior and has shown genuine remorse. You said that you got angry with God when this happened and had lost your faith, but have since found it again. You also said that you felt defeated when the gun jammed. I was just thinking that maybe that was God's way of saving you from a tragic end. Do you pray with your wife at night? Lonely Husband and his WW have started praying together nightly and that has helped tremendously in their R. Their marriage is now better than ever. Their R is one of the fastest I've ever seen. Granted, they don't have twins as a result of her affair but both were broken and were serious about making it work. I feel if you both walk closer to God and pray together, that the healing process will quicken and daily forgiveness can be more readily available.

Edit to ask: DO, does the OM know about the twins? Have you and your wife discussed making him support your boys financially?


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

EI said:


> DO,
> 
> You are such an eloquent speaker. This is what B1 has said to me all along. From very early on, he said "I want you to heal, the children and I need you to heal. We deserve the very best of you." So, when I say, as I have often stated on TAM, that none of the verbal bashing towards me was helpful in our reconciliation, this is exactly what I was referring to. To wish only DO, and his boys well, without wishing his wife well, too, when he clearly intends to remain in the marriage makes no sense. But, even if he were to change his mind and choose to end the marriage, which would be completely understandable, his wife would still be the mother of the two boys whom DO loves with every ounce of his being. Her well-being and recovery matters, too.
> 
> ...




EI

Get out of my head lady!!! Lol!!! I said I had more to write and you came swooping in and wrote it for me!! Lol!! I'm kidding.

Truthfully, bashing the WS is harmful, the number one reason I would not tell or have my wife post on here. I would be banned within a few hours trying to protect my wife much the same if somedaydig. I think that was his username, it was a long time ago but he was a very insightful poster, much the same of B1. 

My wife has not forgiven herself not is she even close, but if she were to read the bashing here she would be ruined permanately. This is why I have such admiration for some posters, Losinghim, EI, Nursejackie, and mountainrunner, they all get it to name a few. They have done the heavy lifting. Now it's true that none of who I mentioned became pregnant during their affair, and they were still bashed, how much bashing would my wife get? This is why I say she would be harmed by the bashing. I don't think that's right, I would hope that people would help her to grow, to be what I need her to be. I need her to be a spouse that will make me feel safe, that I can once again trust that she won't hurt me in this way again. I know her just like B1 and J know EI and Losinghim, they stayed because they know them. They know what their potential is, can be, and will be if they do the heavy lifting. EI and Losinghim love their spouses so much it hurts, they know what they have in front of them, and they know that having the perfect spouse for them is what they want. My wife is the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Doc Who said:


> Tell me about it. Having to prove your continued contact with the child(ren) is in the best interest of the child just because you are not the bio-dad is ludicrous.
> 
> And of course, this changes if you have adopted the child(ren). Then the presumption is on the side of the father. But just living as a married couple insures little for the non biological father.
> 
> Oh, and another thing. If the OM ever wants to get back into their lives (not likely it sounds), DO could not deny it AT ANY TIME. He is at the mercy of the OM, unless the OM formally waives his parental rights.


That situation and law applies to anyone who had kids from prior relationships. Drifting On if a divorce ever happened could in theory be "penalized" by the law but anyone who has blended families/second marriages is taking the same gamble. 

In DO situation getting a legal agreement with biological father waiving rights would be best to protect DO interests. I know one person who was in a similar situation many years ago as DO and he got a legal agreement. The agreement worked both ways, bio father waived parental rights, in turn the agreement stated they would never chase child support.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

bfree said:


> I know this is DO's thread but I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you Conan.




bfree

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers @ConanHub, I have no problem with posters sharing concern for another poster on my thread. In fact I will join you in prayer for Conan as well as good thoughts for him. Thank you bfree, God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

drifting on said:


> bfree
> 
> Thank you for your thoughts and prayers @ConanHub, I have no problem with posters sharing concern for another poster on my thread. In fact I will join you in prayer for Conan as well as good thoughts for him. Thank you bfree, God bless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me too


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

workindad said:


> DO- I did an at home DNA test with my boys. Got the kit, did the swab inside the cheek and sent it in. The results came back a few days later. Did you use the same type of DIY kit?
> 
> Anyway, I know that I could not take the path you are choosing in life. However, I wish you and your family all the best as you continue to navigate your path.
> 
> ...



Workingdad

I didn't need a paternity kit, I ended up figuring this out a later time, but she conceived in January, we were not intimate until February 13, of that year. For some unknown reason I remember that time vividly, we fought all January and I was thinking of divorce. My wife in turn was fighting with OM as she was ending the affair and he wanted to continue on. I figured Valentine's Day was my last all out hurrah at saving my marriage. I bought her jewelry and lingerie. Because I worked on Valentine's Day we celebrated the day before. I cooked dinner, Alaskan king crab legs, fresh lobster, shrimp scampi, and a shrimp ****tail. Fresh vegetables, rolls, and homemade twice baked potatoes with bacon, chives, and cheese mixed in. Don't know why I'm telling you that but, damn, I'm hungry now!! 

So no paternity test, her doctor told me she conceived in the middle of January, plus or minus two weeks. I'm still two weeks after that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

nursejackie said:


> Me too




Thank you NJ, God Bless. Hope you are doing well!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

@drifting on and @ConanHub, I wish you both peace.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Heinous.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I would not call you a bad guy, it's a difference in beliefs, plain and simple. That doesn't mean you love kids less, or you don't like kids, it means you wouldn't raise your wife's children resulting from an affair. I understand both sides of this argument, but I have chosen to be their father. The only bad guy is OM's who get their AP's pregnant and then walk away. But truthfully, that could be a blessing for the children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> DO,
> 
> Is the OM a part of the children lives? Does he have visitation rights? Paying Child support? Maybe you already answered this and if you did I am sorry for repeating the question.
> 
> C



Clay2013,

The answer to each question is no, OM wanted nothing to do with the children. I have to be careful what I wrote about legal in the thread. OM has done nothing for these kids, knows they are his, but again nothing. After speaking to an attorney I was advised how to handle the present and future. Do not have a paternity test done, this starts the clock on statute of limitations. As for child support, not at this time, we are managing well enough on our salaries. Now if you can figure out why you don't start the clock yet, that means I can have an indefinite time before OM pays. Think Princeton and Harvard. But of course I will contribute to their college funds accounts as I have been doing for three years now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Workingdad
> So no paternity test, her doctor told me she conceived in the middle of January, plus or minus two weeks. I'm still two weeks after that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ah so that's how you found out about the affair?

Was she out of character during the affair?


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

drifting on said:


> I have said I would tell my full story when I am leaving TAM, and I have decided to leave. I will miss many posters here, posters who have helped me find my way through the darkest of times. I'm not fully healed, don't know if I ever will be, but I don't find staying here as cathartic anymore. Instead I find myself sometimes angry and definitely feeling low when reading a new story. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me through, I consider all of you to be angels with the grace you have shown towards me. I wish that you all find peace and happiness in your lives and God bless you all.
> 
> As for the full story, this is the only part I haven't told. I'm sorry but my story is long so I will just summarize what I have told in other posts. I also apologize for being brief, much is going on in my life and I find I have very little free time.
> 
> ...


You,I like. Your wife,not so much.OTOH,I do not think she will lose any sleep over it,eh?


----------



## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

DO-I told my H your whole story tonight. 

At first he said OMG, how awful, brutal, how do you go on after that….and then surprisingly he said- hey though- he wasn't able to have kids right?- and now him and his wife have these two boys to raise as their family? The marriage is getting better? they are closer? I can't think of a more devastating way to get to that end but - he never would have had that opportunity otherwise….I don't know- it sucks and its incredibly beautiful ….You never know what you'd do until you're in a situation - I'd like to think I'd stay. (H was born to be a dad) 

Some people may need to heal within the love of their broken relationship when both parties are willing. Everyone is different. I cannot imagine that you would be better healed or made whole outside of this marriage- the pain would not be lessened for you through divorce and split custody. You have had faith that your love for your wife and children would allow you to eventually rise above the ruins- and it has. We are not fixed in our growth. We can become better people through understanding, self reflection and love.

Your wife included. In this case (but not every case) I'm rooting for team R and happily ever after.

PS We are doing good. We are working hard at keeping our communications open and calm. We are trying to deal with concerns right away so they don't get blown out of proportion. We feel like a couple again. The connection feels strong and more stable and rerooted in love.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Doc Who said:


> Tell me about it. Having to prove your continued contact with the child(ren) is in the best interest of the child just because you are not the bio-dad is ludicrous.
> 
> And of course, this changes if you have adopted the child(ren). Then the presumption is on the side of the father. But just living as a married couple insures little for the non biological father.
> 
> Oh, and another thing. If the OM ever wants to get back into their lives (not likely it sounds), DO could not deny it AT ANY TIME. He is at the mercy of the OM, unless the OM formally waives his parental rights.


it's a stupid law Doc and in cases different than this, where someone actually marries someone who has kids, it prevents such arrangements. In a case like this, it actually does enormously more damage to someone like DO who is trying to forgive.

Again, Minnesota screwed up here. Who is holding your stupid lawmakers accountable ?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I'm usually as azz most of the time. However, we all have to live our lives as we see fit.

I could not do what DO is doing. It's not in me but I'm sure when those two boys grow up they will look back and be thankfull for him and what he's done for them.

I hope you find or have found the peace we all are looking for in the rest of your life.

Don't tell anyone I wrote this. I have a reputation to keep up. :grin2:


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

EI said:


> DO,
> 
> You are such an eloquent speaker. This is what B1 has said to me all along. From very early on, he said "I want you to heal, the children and I need you to heal. We deserve the very best of you." So, when I say, as I have often stated on TAM, that none of the verbal bashing towards me was helpful in our reconciliation, this is exactly what I was referring to. To wish only DO, and his boys well, without wishing his wife well, too, when he clearly intends to remain in the marriage makes no sense. But, even if he were to change his mind and choose to end the marriage, which would be completely understandable, his wife would still be the mother of the two boys whom DO loves with every ounce of his being. Her well-being and recovery matters, too.
> 
> ...


I think the reluctance to cut the cheater a break stems from folks doubts re the cheater's sincerity.
After all,the cheater has demonstrated a propenxity for incrdeible dishonesty,not to mention abuse and cruelty.
To me,it is akin to believing a person like Michael Vick is sincere in apologizing. I think many betrayed folks simply cannot relate to having such an ability to be so cruel,and then turning things around.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

nursejackie said:


> DO-I told my H your whole story tonight.
> 
> At first he said OMG, how awful, brutal, how do you go on after that….and then surprisingly he said- hey though- he wasn't able to have kids right?- and now him and his wife have these two boys to raise as their family? The marriage is getting better? they are closer? I can't think of a more devastating way to get to that end but - he never would have had that opportunity otherwise….I don't know- it sucks and its incredibly beautiful ….You never know what you'd do until you're in a situation - I'd like to think I'd stay. (H was born to be a dad)
> 
> ...



sorry. I know DO loves these kids and I am quick to give DO credit but I can't pull a positive out of this situation. DO can. I guess that's what matters in this situation but I can't see this as something positive and DO is still struggling from this issue. So, not a good thing. I disagree Nursejackie


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

```

```



adriana said:


> It is getting close to midnight in Islamabad but you aren't sleeping yet, Dr Who? It must be the pain.... it's palpable.


In my jurisdiction,all children born during the marriage are legally the children of both spouses,no matter what. His wife would have no greater advantage in gaining custody than any other wife.
I think the majority of states are like this.


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

honcho said:


> That situation and law applies to anyone who had kids from prior relationships. Drifting On if a divorce ever happened could in theory be "penalized" by the law but anyone who has blended families/second marriages is taking the same gamble.
> 
> In DO situation getting a legal agreement with biological father waiving rights would be best to protect DO interests. I know one person who was in a similar situation many years ago as DO and he got a legal agreement. The agreement worked both ways, bio father waived parental rights, in turn the agreement stated they would never chase child support.


I would check with a local family law attorney. I bet you are as protected as any spouse regardless of parentage biologically.


----------



## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

wmn1 said:


> sorry. I know DO loves these kids and I am quick to give DO credit but I can't pull a positive out of this situation. DO can. I guess that's what matters in this situation but I can't see this as something positive and DO is still struggling from this issue. So, not a good thing. I disagree Nursejackie


You're right wmn1 -it would be a monumental task for most people. Somehow he has been able to do it though. I know he is still struggling and that is not a good thing but I think it is an expected thing. A situation such as this is so filled with complicated emotions and ethical considerations. I don't think it has been entered into lightly. If he is staying he needs to see the positives that have come from this negative. Otherwise why bother?


----------



## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Maxo said:


> I think the reluctance to cut the cheater a break stems from folks doubts re the cheater's sincerity.
> After all,the cheater has demonstrated a propenxity for incrdeible dishonesty,not to mention abuse and cruelty.
> To me,it is akin to believing a person like Michael Vick is sincere in apologizing. I think many betrayed folks simply cannot relate to having such an ability to be so cruel,and then turning things around.


Believe it or not, I understand this more than you might think. There are so many parallels to infidelity and what B1 and I are now dealing with due to our son's addiction. He is 164 days clean and sober, he regularly passes his random drug tests, attends IC every week, and by choice, he never goes anywhere without one of his brothers or his sister with him. At this point, he's doing everything right, but it doesn't seem to make it any easier for us to trust him, right now. We love him, unconditionally, we desperately want and need to trust in his recovery, for our own peace of mind, and we certainly don't want our fears to leave him feeling that all of his determination, hard work, and good intentions are pointless. But, still, after all we've been through with him, throughout his addiction, it's just so hard, if not impossible, to trust him, especially knowing what he is capable of when he's using. You can't ever unknow what you know. I get it. I can't change it, but I get it, and I hate it. And, I'm sorry.

When life affords me the time and the opportunity, I volunteer with a few animal rescue groups. So, the Michael Vick analogy hits close to home for me. I'm of a mind that people can change, (I'm not suggesting that he has, I don't really know) but at the same time, I don't really care if he's changed, I don't think he deserves to have a pet. I think he forfeited that privilege. Hypocritical, when you compare it to my infidelity? Yes. But, life is complex like that.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Originally Posted by Maxo *
> I think the reluctance to cut the cheater a break stems from folks doubts re the cheater's sincerity.
> After all,the cheater has demonstrated a propenxity for incrdeible dishonesty,not to mention abuse and cruelty.





> *By EI*
> Believe it or not, I understand this more than you might think. There are so many parallels to infidelity and what B1 and I are now dealing with due to our son's addiction. He is 164 days clean and sober, he regularly passes his random drug tests, attends IC every week, and by choice, he never goes anywhere without one of his brothers or his sister with him. At this point, he's doing everything right, but it doesn't seem to make it any easier for us to trust him, right now


First I want to encourage my good friend EI and say that 164 days clean is a very good start. Also, the fact that *he set up accountability BY CHOICE is huge!* In my case my son was using hard drugs for over 10 years and was living on the streets in a gang area for years. We got to see him once every two or three months if we were lucky. He came home like the prodigal son in 2008 and has been with us ever since and is now 8 years CLEAN! I tried everything; tough love, lawyers, judges, narcs, and putting him in jail more than once and none of those got him clean.

* What was vital was when HE CHOSE to get clean and put into affect his own accountability measures*. I tried everything with tough live but never belittled him or told him how he would never amount to anything. *Bashing and 2x4s have never made the long term difference in getting better*. 

I am amazed as to how B1 and EI are still standing and making progress. My wife’s betrayal put me down more than just about anything but my son’s long term addiction was even worse. Thank God they are both SIGNIFICANTLY recovered and a joy to the family.* I know this; that with good and strong parents like B1 and EI their son has a real advantage in beating his addiction!*


Maxo, you make a good point that some (most?) will doubt the cheater’s sincerity and honesty. I doubted my wife and my son but I never used a 2x4 or bashing. The results are that my marriage has passed the 20 year mark some time ago and my son is 100% clean going on NINE years!

DO has made the decision to R with his wife and is a great father to her two children. To overcome what his wife has done is beyond hard. However, DO like B1 are such an inspiration to those that understand the power of a good and strong man. Most TAMers are very impressed with EI and should be as she deserves the credit. In the first year of the RECONCILIATION thread EI took a terrible beating not with 2x4s but with 4X4s and she was knocked to the ground but she got up every time. She reminds me of Rocky and should be named Rocketa. To this very day many on TAM get a lot of hope and encouragement from B1 and EI and that can happen with DO and his wife. *Even if we would not take the path that DO is taking we should post something that helps or just remain silent IMO.*

I know that true love and encouragement without 2x4s and bashing work! I have over 20 years of successful R regarding betrayal and have seen over 8 years of sobriety from a hard drug street addict. I thank God and others for these remarkable recoveries! 
*Great recoveries do happen!*


----------



## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Happened upon this link. Reminded me of this thread

I was tricked into raising another man's son. Now I can't even see the child


----------



## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

EI- I am sorry for what you have gone through with your child. Heartbreaking at best. It is a good analogy re- the continuing trust issue. That is like the trust and verify stage of R? or maybe its not quite there yet. He sounds like a wonderful strong man. He has had you and B1 as examples so we know where he gets his resilience from. I wish you all happiness and health.

There is a big push with our Board of Ed to help struggling students become more successful. Its based on research and the premise is- Intellect and mindset are both flexible. We can improve our ability to learn by having a growth mindset- when you think you can't do something add "yet" on the end. This attitude helps us believe we will eventually be successful and maintains our effort even when we fail. It is the perseverance that makes the difference. We can change other peoples mindsets from fixed to growth if we praise them for their efforts and attribute their successes to their hard work rather than their intelligence or luck.

Maybe that principle can be applied to those going through R. We aren't there "yet" but we will keep working at it because we know we will be successful if we persevere and continue to try through the face of adversity.

Mr Blunt- My utmost respect for you and your family. You never quit, you never lost hope in your child. Your story is inspirational!

Short story of perseverence-My daughter developed anorexia when she was 17. We tried everything- yelling, bribing, grounding, begging,- nothing worked. We finally took her to the ER. The resident that saw her said she was fine (the resident looked like she had an eating disorder) and suggested that I was the one who needed help.(I was crying-probably loud and unattractively)

We went home. I called everyone I knew that worked at a hospital. Turned out someone knew the head dr at the ED clinic. That Dr called me and admitted her immediately. Her organs were eating themselves and a heart attack was likely. I took a leave from work and we supported her through every bite she took. It was explained to her that she couldn't trust her brain for awhile because it was sick and food was her medicine. She was out of the hospital in 3 months- an inpatient for another 6. We still monitored her for all meals. Trust and verify I guess. She recovered beautifully and is finishing her first year of university. She sent me a text the other day saying how grateful she was to have inherited the perfect combination of traits from her Dad and I. LOL obviously she does know how badly we have behaved


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

@Mr Blunt I was thinking about your son's recovery and I would call allowing him to remain in his tough choices as a sustained act of tough love and though through that time yall didn't shame him, letting him know it was a safe place to return to, it still had the effect of allowing him to hit rock bottom and choose on his own to leave it behind. It was the right thing to do. Many keep their kids so protected with roof, food, money that they never hit rock bottom and never recover. So its not that the tough love stopped, it changed from active (judges, jail) to passive (allowing him to stay away).

Those are just my thoughts. Grateful for his recovery.


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

EI said:


> Believe it or not, I understand this more than you might think. There are so many parallels to infidelity and what B1 and I are now dealing with due to our son's addiction. He is 164 days clean and sober, he regularly passes his random drug tests, attends IC every week, and by choice, he never goes anywhere without one of his brothers or his sister with him. At this point, he's doing everything right, but it doesn't seem to make it any easier for us to trust him, right now. We love him, unconditionally, we desperately want and need to trust in his recovery, for our own peace of mind, and we certainly don't want our fears to leave him feeling that all of his determination, hard work, and good intentions are pointless. But, still, after all we've been through with him, throughout his addiction, it's just so hard, if not impossible, to trust him, especially knowing what he is capable of when he's using. You can't ever unknow what you know. I get it. I can't change it, but I get it, and I hate it. And, I'm sorry.
> 
> When life affords me the time and the opportunity, I volunteer with a few animal rescue groups. So, the Michael Vick analogy hits close to home for me. I'm of a mind that people can change, (I'm not suggesting that he has, I don't really know) but at the same time, I don't really care if he's changed, I don't think he deserves to have a pet. I think he forfeited that privilege. Hypocritical, when you compare it to my infidelity? Yes. But, life is complex like that.


Best of luck with your so,EI. 
MYy 26 year old son has beena heroin addict for 10 years. He lives with me and is not using since December,when first responders revived him. It is really tough to beat this addiction. I hope our sons make it.


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Same to Mr Blunt. I hope my son can recover. I have no $$left in my 401k after 9 rehabs.


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Mr Blunt said:


> First I want to encourage my good friend EI and say that 164 days clean is a very good start. Also, the fact that *he set up accountability BY CHOICE is huge!* In my case my son was using hard drugs for over 10 years and was living on the streets in a gang area for years. We got to see him once every two or three months if we were lucky. He came home like the prodigal son in 2008 and has been with us ever since and is now 8 years CLEAN! I tried everything; tough love, lawyers, judges, narcs, and putting him in jail more than once and none of those got him clean.
> 
> * What was vital was when HE CHOSE to get clean and put into affect his own accountability measures*. I tried everything with tough live but never belittled him or told him how he would never amount to anything. *Bashing and 2x4s have never made the long term difference in getting better*.
> 
> ...


10 years,lots of arrests,hep C ,5 highschool buddies of his dead from it. It is a nightmare.
And,a lot of my friends telling me to give up,let him go,tough love,let him hit bottom.
Well,hitting bottom for these folks means dying. I am going down fighting.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

nursejackie said:


> You're right wmn1 -it would be a monumental task for most people. Somehow he has been able to do it though. I know he is still struggling and that is not a good thing but I think it is an expected thing. A situation such as this is so filled with complicated emotions and ethical considerations. I don't think it has been entered into lightly. If he is staying he needs to see the positives that have come from this negative. Otherwise why bother?


I understand and what you say makes sense NJ:smile2:


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

wmn1 said:


> I understand and what you say makes sense NJ:smile2:


 I completely respect what drifting is doing. Based on her physical appearance,I am pretty sure my youngest daughter is not from me. Does not change things a bit re our love for one another.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Maxo said:


> 10 years,lots of arrests,hep C ,5 highschool buddies of his dead from it. It is a nightmare.
> And,a lot of my friends telling me to give up,let him go,tough love,let him hit bottom.
> Well,*hitting bottom for these folks means dying*. I am going down fighting.


And this is the other end of the spectrum. Extremely tough road to walk. I cannot blame you for this choice.

My heart goes out to all of you. I'm terrified of losing my child to addiction. It is so widespread now compared to when I grew up.


----------



## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

drifting on said:


> I have said I would tell my full story when I am leaving TAM, and I have decided to leave. I will miss many posters here, posters who have helped me find my way through the darkest of times. I'm not fully healed, don't know if I ever will be, but I don't find staying here as cathartic anymore. Instead I find myself sometimes angry and definitely feeling low when reading a new story. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me through, I consider all of you to be angels with the grace you have shown towards me. I wish that you all find peace and happiness in your lives and God bless you all.
> 
> As for the full story, this is the only part I haven't told. I'm sorry but my story is long so I will just summarize what I have told in other posts. I also apologize for being brief, much is going on in my life and I find I have very little free time.
> 
> ...


Wow, you have a special soul. I admire you. Wishing you light and peace. Safe journey...


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

My son started this when he was 16. It chases him. It has its hooks in him. We take it day by day.
I could not understand why he simply did not quit until I started reading about addiction.
Just like aWS cannot really know what it feels like to be betrayed, I could not understand what addiction is like. I thought this is volitional. But,I see how he struggles and how this has robbed him of coping skills and self esteem.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She never should have cheated on you, do. And when she did, she should have told you right away. And she certainly should have told you when she found out she was pregnant. Transparency hurts at first, but then heals.

If she had told you upfront, you could have made a free will decision whether or not to stay. Pretty hard to find out years later, when you are already attached.

She has a job, no? She could have raised the babies on her own. And with the OM by his own choice out of the picture, she would not have had to deal with any interference from him. Did she ever say why she did not just tell you?

She surely felt her pregnancy was a tremendous gift after 15 years of infertility. And as much heartache as surrounds it, I bet you ultimately feel that way, too.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Drug addictions are very difficult to deal with, not only for the user but the family involved. I have a cousin who refused to bond his daughter from county jail, his reason, her chances of surviving jail were much better then being let out. Her addiction is alcohol, and she totaled her car in a crash with a utility pole and is very lucky to be around. She is now a mother herself and drinking about a six pack a week instead of an hour. Watching her with her son is truly inspirational, I had no idea she could be such a good mother. 

To all of you struggling with your child's addictions I admire the fact you all seem to have it in you to administer tough love. This is a grueling choice to make, but then when you love something so much, and you know their potential, decisions based on love are very difficult. I guess in a way infidelity can be somewhat similar. 

I hope to be able to post some answers to questions today, and throw a shout out to @ConanHub, hope you feel somewhat better seeing all the support you have here. We are here for you, as you have been for so many others. Stay strong and God bless brother. I do hope to post my answers to your posts today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

drifting on said:


> Alphaomega
> 
> What sports do you coach and what is the ages of the kiddos? Thank you and God bless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Soccer and Jiu Jitsu

Both groups are age 5 to 7
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

alphaomega said:


> Soccer and Jiu Jitsu
> 
> Both groups are age 5 to 7
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




That's great alphaomega, you are a great man to devote that much time to these young kids. Coaching can take more time then one thinks, but it's so worth it when you see their faces after they have play a game. Even if they lose, positive reinforcement and they will smile broadly. Good luck to you in competition this year!! God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Ah so that's how you found out about the affair?
> 
> Was she out of character during the affair?




I was suspicious, only going on my gut, all electronics had nothing. I remember when the doctor told her she conceived, but a week earlier my grandfather had passed away so I never really thought about it. I had so much going on, visits between her OBGYN and then the specialist. We had a doctor visit each week until birth, OBGYN, specialist, OBGYN, specialist..... We fought more during the affair, as o looked back after d-day it made plenty of sense. I didn't find this sight until 2013. I registered my first day here and began reading thread after thread. Slowly I learned, when we started MC in late August of 2013 is when I was able to really start putting things together about the affair. But I didn't think it would be this bad either. Thankfully our MC was able to figure out my depression.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Maxo said:


> You,I like. Your wife,not so much.OTOH,I do not think she will lose any sleep over it,eh?




She has actually lost quite a bit of sleep over it. After I found out the truth I was in no condition emotionally to make a sound decision that would be best for me. From the moment she confessed she changed, she started the heavy lifting. I didn't care what she did, I only cared about me and the boys while I was still there. I didn't know what my answer would be, nor did my wife. But she kept going doing everything she needed to do. Never once said she was tired or wait until tomorrow. Pretty much what ckones wife did, I think he was farther out the door then he will realize. Truthfully I think he was as far gone as I, but like me he paused on the sidewalk in front of his house too. Looking through the window he began to see his old wife re-appearing before his eyes. I did the same. This had me confused at first, but it was also the first time reconciliation crossed my mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> sorry. I know DO loves these kids and I am quick to give DO credit but I can't pull a positive out of this situation. DO can. I guess that's what matters in this situation but I can't see this as something positive and DO is still struggling from this issue. So, not a good thing. I disagree Nursejackie


Huh, really, you can't pull a positive out of this situation. How about two precious little boys that probably think he's a super hero dad? The love he receives from his sons is the best thing ever.

Drifting On, I think you're awesome.


----------



## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Maxo said:


> Best of luck with your so,EI.
> MYy 26 year old son has beena heroin addict for 10 years. He lives with me and is not using since December,when first responders revived him. It is really tough to beat this addiction. I hope our sons make it.



I'm so sorry that you and your son, both, had to experience that. When our son could no longer get his opiate fix from the pain pills prescribed following his four surgeries, he, too, turned to Heroin. What a horrific nightmare this has been. Addiction is a disease that affects the whole family, not just the addict. Only by some miracle, I think, was he spared from suffering an overdose. Still, B1 and I both received training to administer Narcan and were able to acquire 3 OD reversal kits. I pray that we never have to use them, but we think of it as an insurance policy. 




Maxo said:


> Same to Mr Blunt. I hope my son can recover. I have no $$left in my 401k after 9 rehabs.


I hope and pray that your son, my son, Mr. Blunt's son, and all of our sons and daughters, who are struggling with addiction can eventually rise above this devastating and life consuming disease and live happy, healthy, and successful lives. I know it can be done, I've seen it happen. Unfortunately, there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to who makes it out alive and who does not. This evening, Vicki Allendorf, the founder an online support group called _I Hate Heroin,_ will bury two of her three sons. All three were addicted to Heroin. Two of them OD'd and died within moments of one another last Saturday night, April 9th. This mother has dedicated her life, time, talent, and resources to helping countless individuals, and their families, who are dealing with addiction. Yet, she couldn't save her own. It's absolutely heartbreaking. 

Our son has gone through a three day inpatient detox, in June, 2014, followed by two rehabs, last September, and again in November. So, ditto on the 401(k) and the savings. And, we sold our home in a short sale last year. But, today, he is alive, sober, and not in prison, (the grim reality is that there are only three options for an addict: prison, death, or recovery) so we are genuinely counting our blessings, one day at a time. B1 and I are closer to one another than we have ever been in our entire lives, he has an excellent job, we have five children, a son-in-law, a daughter-in-law, and a grandson whom we absolutely love with all of our hearts, and we have a very nice townhome, that's within a few miles of our children's homes. Honestly, we have everything we need, and I can't think of a single thing I want, other than the ongoing health, happiness, and well-being of my family. All I need is B1's love and support, which I am blessed to have. With that, I can handle everything else that comes our way. 




Maxo said:


> 10 years,lots of arrests,hep C ,5 highschool buddies of his dead from it. It is a nightmare.
> And,a lot of my friends telling me to give up,let him go,tough love,let him hit bottom.
> Well,hitting bottom for these folks means dying. I am going down fighting.


You and me, both, I'll never stop _fighting_ for my child. The definition of _fighting_ may change, depending on the circumstances. Unconditional love, tough love, letting go with love, letting go and letting God, etc. As long as there is breath in his or my body, I'll never give up. Because, yes, for some, hitting rock bottom means death. And, no, addiction is not a choice, it is a disease. A horrible, debilitating, often fatal disease. No one chooses addiction, any more than they choose cancer. Yes, some may have chosen to experiment that first time, completely clueless to the Pandora's box they have just opened, or like so many young people, they may have just gone in to have their wisdom teeth extracted, or in our son's case, to have his shattered knee replaced, and have no idea that their previously dormant, genetic predisposition for addiction is about to be unleashed.

When your _friends_ tell you to give up on your child, just save yourself some time and give up on those friends. 



Maxo said:


> I completely respect what drifting is doing. Based on her physical appearance,I am pretty sure my youngest daughter is not from me. Does not change things a bit re our love for one another.


Blood doesn't make our children our own, love does. Children are innocent and are brought into the world by no choice of their own. They all deserve to be loved and cared for. Still, under the circumstances, what Drifting On is managing, makes him a man to be admired, among admirable men. 

Maxo, Mr. Blunt, and Drifting On, like B1, you are all good men. This thread is full of good men and women. TAM is full of good people. One of the reasons that I will always continue to harp on TAM, and in life, about healing and recovery vs revenge and being punitive, is because we may never truly know what battles someone may be fighting._ "People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care." ~ Theodore Roosevelt_ 

Wouldn't the world be a better place for everyone if we would all stop judging and start listening? Wouldn't it be a better world if we were all more concerned with helping to enrich and improve the lives of everyone around us, instead of wasting precious time trying to assert our dominance and superiority over those whom we deem to be inferior? 

_"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them."_ ~ Dalai Lama

So, my question for TAMland is, when tying this back to DO; his wife screwed up. In a huge, colossal, selfish, ugly, cruel, deceptive, manipulative, horrific, (not enough negative adjectives to adequately describe it) life changing kind of way. So, now what? Is it best to spend precious time judging and asserting one's moral superiority over her, or might she, DO, and those precious boys best be served if we all roll up our sleeves and try to help them all move forward in the healthiest possible way for every single one of them? What you choose determines your own character, not Do's, and not even that of his wife.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EI said:


> Blood doesn't make our children our own, love does.


Beautifully said, EI.

The rest of your post was beautiful, too.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Nursejackie*
> She recovered beautifully and is finishing her first year of university. She sent me a text the other day saying how grateful she was to have inherited the perfect combination of traits from her Dad and I



Nothing touches the heart like a child that was blind but now sees,
a child that was addicted but now free, 
a child that had anorexia but now Nursejackie can say WHEE!!!!

Your story about your daughter put a lump in my throat. Thank you Nursejackie for the great uplift!


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Maxo
> I see how he struggles and how this has robbed him of coping skills and self-esteem.


Yes Maxo, my son also struggled with coping skills and self-esteem for years. However, almost all of that is now gone! Your son has 4+ months in sobriety so as he continues he will be getting better every year. It took my son 5 years to get SIGNIFICANTLY better but he improved every year. His work habits were very bad but are improving every year. The only physical thing that he lost was that he has had several teeth pulled out. That is common with heavy use of meth. His self-esteem and coping skills are now very good. He even cheers me up sometimes; love that boy!!

To Maxo, EI, Nursejackie and all the rest:

I would love to swoop in and provide the magic bullet that would make sure 100% that your children would beat this monster called addiction; however, you know that there is no such bullet. All I can do is tell you the truth and the truth is that I have seen with my own doubting eyes and defeated heart the great miracle of sobriety and restoration in my own son and my niece. It would take several pages to start to explain my niece’s situation, A short summary is that she was addicted to several hard drugs for 15 years, lost her three children, lost her mind, and was put into the mental institution lock down for months after being run down and tackled ( she ran) by the men sent by her psychiatrist.

The update on her is that she got clean, went to work, got her children back, finished a BA degree at the university, bought a home, and is a walking miracle! Because of what happened in reality this doubting Thomas now has mostly an optimistic outlook. Maxo, EI, Nursejackie, my truth, optimism, and prayers for your children are what I can offer.

DO, recovery is possible even when the situation looks the darkest!

Blunt


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

When I came to TAM, I was not very well liked. To say I was delusional is an understatement. One of the first posters on my thread was DO. And I believe one of the first things that he said to me was that I was remorseless. 

I defended myself because I fully regretted what I did, but I didn't know what remorse was. At least not in the way that I should have. After weeks of posting and trying to learn, I received a PM from DO with the title "Respect Earned" and an offer to speak directly to my husband. DO was the first betrayed on TAM to reach out to me with a sincere effort to help me. From the first message, I truly felt that DO wanted to help me in a way that a caring father guides his children. He didn't know me, he didn't know how old I am, he didn't know my situation other than my story here and he had no motivation to help me other than because DO has a huge heart and he is able to see the good in people outside of their transgressions.

The night I wanted to drive my car off the road into a tree, I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. I PMd DO and when I read his reply, I sobbed. This man, who I do not know, who was so incredibly broken himself - helped ME. A dirty cheater. A woman who had done something heinous, as his wife had done as well. I have had the help of many a person on TAM, but none of whom who I have felt had the least reason to help me as DO. 

DO helped me understand that while I did a horrible thing, it does not DEFINE me. DO told me things to do to "go get my man". DO clued me in to what was going on in my husbands brain. And he reminded me often that J loves me, though I had done some serious damage. Since DO and I are friends on here, he was able to see some pictures that I had put up of J and I. He PMd me and said "look at his face! He loves you!" 

If it weren't for DO and his fatherly way of caring and keeping me on the right path, I may have given up on J. DO showed me it's possible to be broken, but fight on. 

So why do I keep bringing up me and "fatherly"?

If DO cared that much about a person behind a computer.....a person he had never met.....a person who for all he knows could be a psychopath (for the record I'm not lol).....can you IMAGINE his love for his wife and those boys? These people with whom he spends his life? I could tell that MY remorse bothered him.....that he felt for my situation. That he understood that while I screwed up immensely, I was still a person under all of this and that I deserved a good life. And while most people were fighting for me to leave J, DO wanted to help me fight to STAY. 

Again, correlate this to his own wife. His love for her obviously runs deep. Does he struggle? That much is obvious. Is there pain? Again, obvious. But if DO can try that hard to help a stranger save themselves, imagine how hard he's fighting to help his wife save herself? 

And those boys?? This is where the fatherly part comes in. To DO, I think this is just NATURAL. A wealth of advice, limitless concern for well being, eager to teach life lessons. Gives praise when appropriate but can also tell you where you're going wrong. I can imagine the life of these boys is so nurtured. I guarantee they go to bed every single night knowing they are loved. 

As for Mrs DO. I am certain she is probably broken as well. DO has stated she doesn't forgive herself, and she may never. I feel that way myself most times. Maybe she doesn't deserve DO, and maybe I don't deserve J. Maybe J doesn't deserve me. But at the end of the day.....DO has made his choice. Flaws and all, cheating and all, pain and all.....to continue to love this woman and to BE a father. 

And some day, DO will find peace. And there will be a special place in heaven for him when he arrives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

alphaomega said:


> Soccer and Jiu Jitsu
> 
> Both groups are age 5 to 7
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Love that jiu jitsu stuff. Diaz brothers are my favorites.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

DO,

You are well above average. Kudos to you.

You need to realize that most men would not stay around. They are a special gift to you but you are to them too. Without you, they would not have the life they have.

B1 was able to rise above by working on himself. Please do the same.

When the pain starts, remind yourself with what you have. Remind yourself that you are special to these boys. You are a gift from heaven.

Great people like you have nothing to be ashamed of.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> When I came to TAM, I was not very well liked. To say I was delusional is an understatement. One of the first posters on my thread was DO. And I believe one of the first things that he said to me was that I was remorseless.
> 
> I defended myself because I fully regretted what I did, but I didn't know what remorse was. At least not in the way that I should have. After weeks of posting and trying to learn, I received a PM from DO with the title "Respect Earned" and an offer to speak directly to my husband. DO was the first betrayed on TAM to reach out to me with a sincere effort to help me. From the first message, I truly felt that DO wanted to help me in a way that a caring father guides his children. He didn't know me, he didn't know how old I am, he didn't know my situation other than my story here and he had no motivation to help me other than because DO has a huge heart and he is able to see the good in people outside of their transgressions.
> 
> ...




Losinghim,

I, I don't even know what to say to you, your post has me crying, in a good way, but I'm at a total loss of words. Everything I've said and offered to do still stands, having you and J happy and in love was my only goal. You learned very quick, you understood exactly what I tried to convey, but best of all you applied that immediately. I gave you simple words, you took action, you did the hard work, and as a result from your hard work you grew as a person. You are still learning how to move forward, and I had said blossom Leigh was you best chance for help. Now I'm watching blossom Leigh do her amazing work with you. You are learning and growing again at a fast pace. 

The hard work was you Losinghim, all you, you amaze me to this day with your tenacity, commitment, passion, dedication, and the outpouring of your heart to have a better relationship. I thank you so very much for the kind words. You are correct, I love my family, I love my family with all I have to give, which reminds me of someone, you. You love your family the same as I love mine. I have more to say with you, I will send you a pm tomorrow. Strep throat is killing me right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

drifting on said:


> Losinghim,
> 
> I, I don't even know what to say to you, your post has me crying, in a good way, but I'm at a total loss of words. Everything I've said and offered to do still stands, having you and J happy and in love was my only goal. You learned very quick, you understood exactly what I tried to convey, but best of all you applied that immediately. I gave you simple words, you took action, you did the hard work, and as a result from your hard work you grew as a person. You are still learning how to move forward, and I had said blossom Leigh was you best chance for help. Now I'm watching blossom Leigh do her amazing work with you. You are learning and growing again at a fast pace.
> 
> ...


If I can be of assistance,as the super evolved type I am, I am available for personal growth seminars at a small charge.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

/small thread jack

@Maxo
@Mr Blunt
@EI

Are yall in big cities or small towns?

Here locally the Heroin problems are mainly in the big cities. Is that the case where you are?

Same pattern here


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Blossom Leigh said:


> /small thread jack
> 
> @Maxo
> @Mr Blunt
> ...


Big city. Meth more prevalent out in the sticks here. My son seems to be able to find H anywhere in no time.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

We are not in a large city and the heroin problem here is so big that a certain daytime talk show host did a story on us. 

My cousin is a long time heroin addict. We don't really have anything to do with her. Which of course is one of the things she blames her addiction on. She has had 7 babies, all under the age of 10. One was stillborn (using heroin while pregnant) one was born at 26 weeks due to heroin use while pregnant and the third was murdered at 3 months. The other 4 were all made wards of the state and adopted. 

It's so sad to watch this kind of stuff. The paper runs an OD story once a week at least. My city is only about 50,000 people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> We are not in a large city and the heroin problem here is so big that a certain daytime talk show host did a story on us.
> 
> My cousin is a long time heroin addict. We don't really have anything to do with her. Which of course is one of the things she blames her addiction on. She has had 7 babies, all under the age of 10. One was stillborn (using heroin while pregnant) one was born at 26 weeks due to heroin use while pregnant and the third was murdered at 3 months. The other 4 were all made wards of the state and adopted.
> 
> ...


Your cousin is bei g chased by somethi g she ,probably,had no idea was so hard to ever get away from when she started. I try to remind myself that my son,at 16, had such an undeveloped brain that he was clueless as to what he was going to face for the rest of his life.
He tells me that the first time he and his friend tried it, his friend told him that they were crossing into something from which thre was no going back( this friend is still alive,clean,good job and his wife just had their first child. He importunes my son to stop and stay clean.Good kid.)
They did it anyway and the ensuing ten years have been a nightmare.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Maxo said:


> Your cousin is bei g chased by somethi g she ,probably,had no idea was so hard to ever get away from when she started. I try to remind myself that my son,at 16, had such an undeveloped brain that he was clueless as to what he was going to face for the rest of his life.
> He tells me that the first time he and his friend tried it, his friend told him that they were crossing into something from which thre was no going back( this friend is still alive,clean,good job and his wife just had their first child. He importunes my son to stop and stay clean.Good kid.)
> They did it anyway and the ensuing ten years have been a nightmare.


I am sure she never planned to be an addict. She started with alcohol, then marijuana, then pills, meth, heroin you name it. She has been to jail for prostitution, theft, child endangerment, etc. She would have been clean two years this July, but 2 months ago moved in with an aunt on her stepdads side who is a pill popper. Got back on the pills and back to heroin within weeks. The sad part is, she was close to gaining custody of her youngest baby (she's 9 months old) when this happened. She wants badly to be a mother, but keeps getting sucked back into the addiction. I feel for her, I truly do. When her first child was made a ward of the state, I wanted badly to adopt him, but my ex husband wouldn't consider it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

drifting on said:


> Satya
> 
> I find you to be a very challenging poster, your posts have the person search deep within themselves which I find amazing. May you never stop posting here. God bless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you, 

That is very kind of you and I'm humbled. 

I hope now that you will continue to post here as well!


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> I am sure she never planned to be an addict. She started with alcohol, then marijuana, then pills, meth, heroin you name it. She has been to jail for prostitution, theft, child endangerment, etc. She would have been clean two years this July, but 2 months ago moved in with an aunt on her stepdads side who is a pill popper. Got back on the pills and back to heroin within weeks. The sad part is, she was close to gaining custody of her youngest baby (she's 9 months old) when this happened. She wants badly to be a mother, but keeps getting sucked back into the addiction. I feel for her, I truly do. When her first child was made a ward of the state, I wanted badly to adopt him, but my ex husband wouldn't consider it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really sad. There but for the grace of God...


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I give you a lot of credit for what you are doing. As I stated earlier, I don't necessarily agree with it, but I understand that it was/is the right thing for you. 

It's kind of interesting that the most adamant posters seem to be women. A woman can not, under any circumstances go through this. Never can a woman be forced to claim maternity and not know she's not the real mother. Well, I guess a baby switched in the hospital could happen, but that's rare. There's just no way for them to say how they would handle it. I'm not saying their advice is not important and worthy of consideration. I'm only saying it's not something they can experience. I highly respect their opinions in all things. 

I honestly think EVERY child born should be tested for paternity at birth, regardless of the situation.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

TX-SC said:


> I honestly think EVERY child born should be tested for paternity at birth, regardless of the situation.


After spending some years working for a company specializing in genetic disease, I agree with you. 

I've said it at one time on the forum or another.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Satya said:


> After spending some years working for a company specializing in genetic disease, I agree with you.
> 
> I've said it at one time on the forum or another.


I think it is fair to everyone involved....it will never happen but I think it would be a good step forward...


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I think it is fair to everyone involved....it will never happen but I think it would be a good step forward...


Tons of paternity fraud going on. One study found ten percent of kids born were not the husband's. And that was a random study not specific to couples where the wife was already known to have cheated.
Think about it: if you are in a restaraunt or assemblage of 100 people,10 of these folks probably do not know their biological dads.
Many men are raising kids they did not sire.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Maxo said:


> Tons of paternity fraud going on. One study found ten percent of kids born were not the husband's. And that was a random study not specific to couples where the wife was already known to have cheated.
> Think about it: if you are in a restaraunt or assemblage of 100 people,10 of these folks probably do not know their biological dads.
> Many men are raising kids they did not sire.


Agree 100% (although the number is like 3%) but the powers that be will not allow it in "the best interests of the child" - the state wants these kids paid for they dont care who they have to force into it...

The only way this might change is if duped men and their supporters organize...even then I'm not hopeful..


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Clay2013,
> 
> The answer to each question is no, OM wanted nothing to do with the children. I have to be careful what I wrote about legal in the thread. OM has done nothing for these kids, knows they are his, but again nothing. After speaking to an attorney I was advised how to handle the present and future. Do not have a paternity test done, this starts the clock on statute of limitations. As for child support, not at this time, we are managing well enough on our salaries. Now if you can figure out why you don't start the clock yet, that means I can have an indefinite time before OM pays. Think Princeton and Harvard. But of course I will contribute to their college funds accounts as I have been doing for three years now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DO that's (you) the difference in a POS with sperm and a real man

55


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Please forgive me and ask your wife if she will as well. I often lead with my emotions, expend them and then I can think.
> 
> I am truly sorry for my outburst that I deleted.
> 
> ...




ConanHub

I assure you, I will make it through this, I'm not saying it will be easy, but I will be better. I may never fully heal, but with God by my side I can. While it's true part of me died, which I've said many times, I'm now discovering parts of me have been reborn. I am not so thick skinned anymore, I am more compassionate and more caring. All a part of becoming a better me down the road. I'm still not perfect, never will be but I'm stronger and becoming better each day. No matter what has happened, I will be better, I will be a more complete human being. 

I will pm you in the next couple of days, I will let you know my progress and my struggles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Satya said:


> Thank you,
> 
> That is very kind of you and I'm humbled.
> 
> I hope now that you will continue to post here as well!




You have caused me to think deeply on more then one occasion, not even my threads, but your posts are very intelligent, causing one to really think before you respond. I admire that among people, your posts reflect how much thought has gone into them. I know you are very intelligent, so I seek out your posts here to help me grow, much like I do blossom Leigh's. As for posting on different threads, I'm just not sure, I triggered off a thread and it shook me up. It's the "is she cheating", thread by invisibleman. That thread had me going between rage and sadness to hopeless and vindictive. I can't read it anymore after her response to OP and she left for his mothers. Just writing this has shook me, so I either need to leave or maybe take a break, having made many friends here makes it hard to leave. Just having support alone makes it hard to leave. I tell you what, I'll keep posting to the responses on this thread, and if that spawns me to other threads then ok, but I'm still leaning towards leaving. A person of your caliber asking me to stay is humbling, so know that you have gotten me to think again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> DO that's (you) the difference in a POS with sperm and a real man
> 
> 55




Thank you 55, very kind words, I have a question for you. How is you nephew, the one where the niece was cheating on him. If I remember correctly your wife wanted you to not tell him. Has he gotten better and does your wife now agree with exposing a cheater?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

This whole situation just hurts my heart. You are a helluva man drifting. You and your family are in my thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

drifting on said:


> You have caused me to think deeply on more then one occasion, not even my threads, but your posts are very intelligent, causing one to really think before you respond. I admire that among people, your posts reflect how much thought has gone into them. I know you are very intelligent, so I seek out your posts here to help me grow, much like I do blossom Leigh's. As for posting on different threads, I'm just not sure, I triggered off a thread and it shook me up. It's the "is she cheating", thread by invisibleman. That thread had me going between rage and sadness to hopeless and vindictive. I can't read it anymore after her response to OP and she left for his mothers. Just writing this has shook me, so I either need to leave or maybe take a break, having made many friends here makes it hard to leave. Just having support alone makes it hard to leave. I tell you what, I'll keep posting to the responses on this thread, and if that spawns me to other threads then ok, but I'm still leaning towards leaving. A person of your caliber asking me to stay is humbling, so know that you have gotten me to think again!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have also learned much from posters here, yourself included, drifting on! 

I know that sometimes you have to step away and process things. I used to post a lot more when I was less busy, now I know when there will be periods I just have to step away because my responsibilities have grown. 

Don't force yourself to post. I think many take a break, then come back if or when they feel the need. I know that will be me some day, just not quite yet.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Satya said:


> I have also learned much from posters here, yourself included, drifting on!
> 
> I know that sometimes you have to step away and process things. I used to post a lot more when I was less busy, now I know when there will be periods I just have to step away because my responsibilities have grown.
> 
> Don't force yourself to post. I think many take a break, then come back if or when they feel the need. I know that will be me some day, just not quite yet.




A poster of your expertise needs to stay, however I understand that life gets busy and we have to do what is right for us. I just want you to know, I hope you never leave!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

pidge70 said:


> This whole situation just hurts my heart. You are a helluva man drifting. You and your family are in my thoughts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




You yourself have endured much pain too, I'm hoping that life has calmed around you and that a peace and happiness soon followed. I wish you the best. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Thank you 55, very kind words, I have a question for you. How is you nephew, the one where the niece was cheating on him. If I remember correctly your wife wanted you to not tell him. Has he gotten better and does your wife now agree with exposing a cheater?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First off DO I want to comment on the fatherhood issue

I take fatherhood very seriously I am a father of four
all of the efforts and sacrifices I made to raise them had nothing to do with me being connected to them by biology

I was simply the right and only thing. 

I value it as highly as any thing in life as my father and his father did.

My nephew ran away from his situation and has not made the best of choices.As for exposing my niece as a cheater that cat was out of the bag before I made my public post on FB

*I never named her or anyone by name
*
In short the post was to ask family to hold her accountable for her marriage and help support them To ask her to do right by her husband and children.

My wife has come to terms with what I did but I believe she is not in agreement it.But as you may recall with your own experience,he called me and said he had a gun to his head.

That's why I reacted as I did. I told others in my family they could stand by and do nothing and speak about at his funeral but I told them not me.No one was holding her accountable most especially my wife who had the most influence over her including my niece's own mother my SIL

My niece knowing she had been caught cheating continued to openly posting pics on FB with her toxic friends and AP. 

55


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I have learned a lot from you and some other TAM members since I join here. I really cant say/write how much you helped me,thank you. 

I only hope you stay with us. You dont have to be regular,just log in once or twice per month. I know you have other things to do like taking care of YOUR children.

If I was in your position I could not make it.I didnt know your whole story until the end. Someone will call me a strong man for that,then other may call me weak man,but no matter what you decided you love Your children and you want to be there for them and you have a huge respect from me. 

Best wishes to you and your children my friend. They deserve someone like you and I am telling you this like my own brother.

Stay strong.


----------



## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> /small thread jack
> 
> @Maxo
> @Mr Blunt
> ...


*
Drifting On: This is a huge thread jack, but it is a very important subject that affects so many of us, so if you don't mind, I am going to request that a mod would take the comments regarding addiction out of this thread and create a new thread in a more appropriate sub-forum on TAM.*

Last year we moved about a 15 mile/15 minute drive away from Louisville, KY, which is where we had lived our entire lives. If you had asked me two years ago about the Heroin epidemic, that is literally sweeping our nation, I would have been blissfully ignorant. But, now, it's mentioned on our local news on a near daily basis. 

When white, middle class America began abusing prescription ADHD medication, and opiate pain medication in record numbers, there was a huge crackdown on the doctors prescribing them. Now, there are people who are dying from cancer, as well as people who are legitimately living with chronic pain, due to disease, injuries, etc., and they are often unable to obtain the medication needed to manage their pain. As a result, for many, who had already become addicted to these powerful controlled substances, Heroin became easier to obtain and far more affordable. It's readily available in Louisville, as well as right across the bridge in Indiana.

People are dying from overdoses on a weekly basis around here. In addition, the murder rate in Louisville is rapidly increasing and drug abuse (mainly Heroin) is the driving force behind the increase in numbers. Neither race, religion, social status, nor education appear to play a part in this epidemic. Addiction is a non-discriminatory beast, thus it's having a significantly huge negative impact on this generation of young adults. 

I am working with a _little_ group of about 20,000 moms online, with chapters in every state, who are in weekly communication with Michael Botticelli, who is the Director of the National Drug Control Policy at the White House. He, an alcoholic with 27 years of sobriety, is a part of a task force, appointed by Obama, to seek new ways to tackle the Heroin epidemic. Incarceration, without treatment, is simply costing the taxpayers more money, and putting off the inevitable. Without finding new ways to prevent substance abuse, and long term treatment for those who are already addicted, people will continue to die in increasing numbers. 

It's easy to write off addicts as being parasites, financial drains, literally the bottom feeders of our society, (kind of like WS's.) It's easy, that is, until it happens to you, or to someone you love. Then, it becomes a discussion that's worth having. The addict who I love has a genius IQ, was in the top 2% of high school students in the nation in his graduating class, excelled in every sport that he played, and could write the manual on cyber security. I think his value is priceless. 

If we are ever to become a part of the solution and not a part of the problem, we must stop judging, start listening, and start caring about people as individuals.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

It wasn't meant as a big thread jack. 

Just big city/small city, but I'm very ok with a new thread.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I was dependent ( I dont want to use the word "addicted", because its too strong a word, I never escalated dosages out of control) and had a habit on prescription pain killers for about a year almost 5 years ago. 

I have never ever had a habit for anything, not smoking, drinking, nothing....but these pain meds can sure pull a number on you and totally blindsided me. I was able to wean myself off slowly over a period of time and eventually ended it, but all I have to say is that it was pure torture coming off, and second only to my experience from infidelity as a BS.

The thing I remmeber the worse was how being on the drugs actually convinced you that it was ok to take more!! ugh, I cant believe I fell for that, I still get chills from thinking about the horrible withdrawals its no wonder people relapse.....


----------



## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> It wasn't meant as a big thread jack.
> 
> Just big city/small city, but I'm very ok with a new thread.


Oh, @Blossom Leigh, I wasn't referring to your question as being a huge thread jack, I meant that my answer was.  I've never been very good at telling a long story short. In fact, I'm well known for being able to tell a short story long.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I think that many will read situations on here and think there is only one way to deal with the situation (one and done). This may be true for that individual, but doesn’t have to be applied to all. Some people are unable to reconcile in a similar situation to DO’s and they divorce and move on with life. This is not necessarily a bad thing, since it is better to divorce than to stay and just punish each other. Also if they cannot separate the child from the act of infidelity, then they have no business being there parent. I applaud DO and his wife for putting the children first and getting past their differences. There is a whole lot more to being a father or mother then DNA. I think that your story is good for the forum as an example of another way to deal with the problems. Best wishes to you and your family.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Your a bigger man than i am. I would have bailed if the boys werent mine.

Good luck too you sir.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Maxo said:


> Love that jiu jitsu stuff. Diaz brothers are my favorites.


Those guys I wouldn't want to cross in a bar. That stuff they do is crazy killer ****. 

I haven't been in a fight since college drink days, but as Mr Miyagi says,"Best defence, Don't be there!"


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

alphaomega said:


> Those guys I wouldn't want to cross in a bar. That stuff they do is crazy killer ****.
> 
> I haven't been in a fight since college drink days, but as Mr Miyagi says,"Best defence, Don't be there!"
> 
> ...


I think one of the Gracies said " the best fight is the one you walk away from".

Now, off to throw a Peruvian Necktie on one of my kids.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Originally Posted by drifting on*
> I assure you, I will make it through this, I'm not saying it will be easy, but I will be better. *I may never fully heal, but with God by my side I can*. While it's true *part of me died*, which I've said many times, I'm now discovering parts of me have been reborn. I am not so thick skinned anymore, I am more compassionate and more caring. All a part of becoming a better me down the road. I'm still not perfect, never will be but I'm stronger and becoming better each day. No matter what has happened, I will be better, *I will be a more complete human being*.


I think that this post above contains a reality that many BS suffer (it's true part of me died).

However, the upside is that Drifting On told us something that is very possible and very encouraging. *That something is that he, with God by his side, will heal and be a better and more complete human being.*


That to me is outstanding encouragement and a truth that can help others that think that betrayal ruins their life. I would love to see those WSs that are so emotionally damaged and some that are filled with bitterness bounce back with the truth that you can become better overall after infidelity. Drifting On is proof of that and so is B1 but B1 is no longer posting here. B1 is no longer posting in part because he is doing what is best for him and his family. *I hope that Drifting On does whatever will be best for him and his family. *


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Blossom Leigh
The city that I live in has around 100,000 population. The meth and cocaine is everywhere! Heroin is here but not like meth.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

@EI there is no reason to move any of these posts. Last week I went on a possible overdose call. I found it was a fourteen year old female, overdosed on Tylenol, because of cyber bullying. She was taken to the hospital then transferred twice to better equipped facilities. She died three days later. The parents were one of the nicest couples I had met in a long time. Now they are crushed, fighting the demons of burying your own child. 

Each and every one of us has a cross to bear, but we can't see what that cross is until we speak about it. It is my hope that those who are writing about addictions they or family members are expieriencing that this be cathartic rather then painful. Sharing your cross sometimes makes that cross a little easier to carry. The burden of pain might be a little less sharp. 

I came here as people knew what I was feeling, writing was cathartic, at times I guess I felt comfortable being with all of you posters. It helped me, it helped me to post on threads of the pain and suffering I felt. I wrote of my pain so others didn't feel alone, we have been in their shoes, we know that crushing feeling. It's like an elephant sat on your chest, breathing was so difficult, yet also necessary. So I say to write it out, get it off your chest, and just maybe another poster can tell you what may have worked for them. 

It's also been written that a female cannot expierience what I have gone through. This was a stumbling block for me in MC, my therapist according to me didn't understand. So I reversed the therapy and gave my therapist permission to tell my story to her father. Her assignment was to sit her father down in a therapeutic setting. Have her father close his eyes and tell him my story. Then she was to tell me what she felt. It worked well, she felt hopeless, she felt sadness, and most of all she had never seen her father cry like he did. 

Before this, it seemed to easy for her to tell me the kids were mine. Too easy to not feel what I felt, watching her father become increasingly destraught hurt her. His answers helped to bring my faith in God back to me. This, in my eyes was the start of my healing, when she learned a little of what I felt. She became an even better therapist to my wife and I. Why? Because she also felt how my wife feels when she looks at me and I'm in pain. My therapist, by telling the story, knew the feelings of my wife firsthand. Her father was hurt by my story, and my therapist felt that she shouldn't have shared my story. She felt helpless as did my wife at first. She felt the sadness as my wife did. 

So it is my wish that if talking about your pain on this thread helps you, then by all means please share what you wish to share. I have gotten so much help from here, and I've made friends along the way. 

We all hurt from infidelity, WS, BS, children, families get destroyed. In my opinion the key to healing is recognizing we are all human with fallacies and flaws. We make bad decisions, and those who are truly remorseful, need support to become better humans, especially if children are involved. You need that parent to be their best for the children, whether you divorce or reconcile. What I am doing isn't the best for everyone, but it's best for me, MY boys, and my wife. I am no better then anyone here, I want to be the best father and husband I can be. Isn't that the goal of everyone? To be the best parent and spouse you can be? 

I never once saw my buddies parents fight. His mom would say her arthritis is flaring up and give his dad the one finger salute. He'd give it right back, it was playful banter between the two. But his mother told me something that has stuck with me for over thirty years. She told me marriage is a long war, pick your battles wisely. What this meant to me is this; people who are married may fight, become frustrated with each other, but to win the war and have a happy marriage you need to forgive along the way. You have to make sacrifices in order for the end result to become a pleasant reality. So if that means you stand by them doing what they want, they will stand by you doing what you want. You get out of your marriage what you put into your marriage. If you want to be happy then communicate, be vulnerable, build the emotional bank. If you want a roommate then be closed and don't communicate much. 

Sorry I'll get down from my soapbox now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> First off DO I want to comment on the fatherhood issue
> 
> I take fatherhood very seriously I am a father of four
> all of the efforts and sacrifices I made to raise them had nothing to do with me being connected to them by biology
> ...




Thank you 55, for both the fatherhood and for standing in your nephews corner. It must have felt like a blessing knowing he could trust and come to you for support. You are a great man, took a lot of strength for you to do what you did. Peace and happiness to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Be smart said:


> I have learned a lot from you and some other TAM members since I join here. I really cant say/write how much you helped me,thank you.
> 
> I only hope you stay with us. You dont have to be regular,just log in once or twice per month. I know you have other things to do like taking care of YOUR children.
> 
> ...




Be smart

Thank you for the kind words and telling me my posts have helped. Many posters here helped me and never knew it, they were posting in threads to the OP but also helping me. That to me is one of the best things about being here, that something you write can help more then just one person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

VFW said:


> I think that many will read situations on here and think there is only one way to deal with the situation (one and done). This may be true for that individual, but doesn’t have to be applied to all. Some people are unable to reconcile in a similar situation to DO’s and they divorce and move on with life. This is not necessarily a bad thing, since it is better to divorce than to stay and just punish each other. Also if they cannot separate the child from the act of infidelity, then they have no business being there parent. I applaud DO and his wife for putting the children first and getting past their differences. There is a whole lot more to being a father or mother then DNA. I think that your story is good for the forum as an example of another way to deal with the problems. Best wishes to you and your family.




VFW

I think the most important part of this is that humans can overcome a terrible injustice, heal, and move forward with their lives. For me, I will need God to get through, I will need to feel His healing hand to heal. I will need to lean on God, trust unconditionally that His plan is greater than I know. With God alongside me there is nothing I can't conquer.
God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Sports Fan said:


> Your a bigger man than i am. I would have bailed if the boys werent mine.
> 
> Good luck too you sir.




I don't see myself as the bigger man, I see myself doing what is best for me, then best for my boys. I have to be at my best so I can in fact give my best to the boys. My healing is very important, I can't take care of the boys to my best until I am healed. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

drifting on,

You and your family are in my prayers.
I just saw this thread today and kinda skimmed it.

God bless your two boys, may they realize the love involved in choosing them.

It is how God willed to show His love in choosing His sons through our Savior.

Stay or go I really wish you all well.
Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> Please forgive me and ask your wife if she will as well. I often lead with my emotions, expend them and then I can think.
> 
> I am truly sorry for my outburst that I deleted.
> 
> ...


The old saying is that when a gently-bred Southern woman says "oh Hell no", you'd better look out. Well I am that gently-bred Southern woman and I just said it. You need to look for the help that is out there get right with God and start to move forward. I know it's easier to say than do, trust me.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Decorum said:


> drifting on,
> 
> You and your family are in my prayers.
> I just saw this thread today and kinda skimmed it.
> ...




Decorum

Thank you, your words are strengthening, hopeful, and supportive. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Pam said:


> The old saying is that when a gently-bred Southern woman says "oh Hell no", you'd better look out. Well I am that gently-bred Southern woman and I just said it. You need to look for the help that is out there get right with God and start to move forward. I know it's easier to say than do, trust me.




I'm tired, been very busy the last three days, but I'm not understanding what you are saying. I'm straight with God, in therapy, and moving forward. Yes I'm going slowly but I'm going forward. God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

drifting on said:


> I'm tired, been very busy the last three days, but I'm not understanding what you are saying. I'm straight with God, in therapy, and moving forward. Yes I'm going slowly but I'm going forward. God bless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm so sorry, I thought I was talking to Conan.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Pam said:


> I'm so sorry, I thought I was talking to Conan.




Whew, you had me nervous there!!! I'm kidding. However I do appreciate that ConanHub has gotten so much support here, he has helped me very much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

bfree said:


> Drifting, much of the comments and many of the questions might be painful. Please please do not feel obligated to respond or even read. And take a break from time to time. Your mental health is paramount.




bfree

Thank you for this, in fact I've stated much of the same to people, but I could feel anger coming to the surface on some of the replies. As I have stated numerous times I'm far from perfect, but I try to remain level headed and calm on here. Doesn't always work!! I have taken a break as you suggested and answering more of the replies on here. 

Some of what is written makes me want to jump up and defend my wife. However, how do I go about that? What has happened is really about the worst I could face. I think the thing that could be worse is if I get an STD!! I won't as I have gone through the testing. That's humiliating in itself also. 

For me, I know my wife, she is fallible, flawed, broken, remorseful, empathetic, loving, caring, beautiful, compassionate, and a believer in God. I never thought she would have an affair, maybe because of my same qualities listed above I was blind to the marriage. Was an affair the answer, no. But I thought I had a good marriage until I started IC. I now see many things I did wrong, many things that hurt her. She's not perfect, nor am I, but together maybe we can be perfect for each other. 

Some may disagree but my wife is not a bad person, she made a terrible choice then compounded that bad choice with more bad choices. When she confessed fully she held nothing back, she became honest, she changed in that moment. For the next six months she was truly amazing, I looked for faults, I found none. Seeing her do the heavy lifting, seeing her become what I remembered her as, impressed me. Has she changed, of course she has, she has become a better person. 

Many of the threads I would read the WS was sorry, regretful, remorseful, begging, pleading, trying to save their marriage. My wife wanted more then that, I've seen this same thing through other FORMER WS on here. By no means am I comparing these other posters to my wife but these posters wanted what my wife wanted. EI, Nursejackie, and Losinghim. They all wanted more then I listed above as well. Not only did they want to save their marriages, they all wanted to have BETTER marriages. Think about that for a moment honestly. 

Many say they want to read more success stories, I consider a success story to be when the OP gets what they want. Reconciliation or divorce, as long as it is what they have decided. The three posters above I listed, EI has successfully reconciled, Nursejackie and Losinghim are working on their reconciling as am I. EI, Nursejackie, and Losinghim have become better persons, so has my wife. Now their stories are not the same as mine but that doesn't mean my wife can't become a better person. 

Bfree as I said, thank you for recognizing I needed to take a break. I hope to respond to more of the posts tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Friday was our anniversary, twenty one years married, but we were unable to celebrate until last night. We had a date night without the boys, out for an Italian dinner and then a walk on the riverfront. We talked, laughed, and had a great time. Reminded me of when we were dating and would talk for hours. 

During our walk on the riverfront my wife stopped me and said "I can't thank you enough for the gift you have given me. I want you to know I don't say this nearly enough, but I understand the gift you have given me". I explained that she has shown me with actions, actions that have thanked me and shows she loves me. I told her she has worked very hard since d-day to repair herself and the marriage. Sure, we've had moments that were rough, where we miscimmunicated, or didn't communicate enough. Overall I'm pleased with ourselves to this point. 

Neither of us is healed quite yet, but together we have accomplished things to the best of our abilities. We continue to see our therapists, we continue to reconcile, and we continue forward to a better marriage. I enjoyed our time together as we walked holding hands. I enjoyed the fun we had reminiscing of old times, and I enjoyed the fact I was with my wife. Today when I get home from work the kids will be home, I plan to take them shopping to return some toys to get new ones. I haven't seen them since Friday night so I'm going through withdrawals. 

Tomorrow I am off and get to spend the entire day with the boys. I have a project planned, we will begin to build a go-cart. I had one as a kid and absolutely loved riding it all over with my cousins. I can't wait to begin this project with them, I especially can't wait until we have it running.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Happy Anniversary!!!!! <3
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Happy Anniversary @drifting on, your family is so very blessed to have you!


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> Happy Anniversary!!!!! <3
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Thank you Losinghim, be strong, praying you and J make it through, and remember, you have the strength to help lead him through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

EI said:


> Happy Anniversary @drifting on, your family is so very blessed to have you!




EI, thank you for the kind words, your family is just as blessed to have you. I hope you know how much you and B1 will someday know how indebted I feel to you both. From the bottom of my heart I thank you both. What you both have endured, worked through, and come out finding peace and happiness together, but more importantly, that you each found peace and happiness in yourselves. God bless you both!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

A little update to my situation on Mother's Day. I took the boys shopping Friday night and to dinner. Explained to them what Mother's Day is and what I would have done normally. We get home and the boys walk through the door and yell happy mommies day!! Lol!! I said, boys Sunday is Mother's Day, not today. 

Saturday the boys and I clean the house top to bottom as both our families are coming to our house. Had to do some last minute shopping, and the boys want to buy mommy a present. I hadn't bought a gift for her and thought I certainly can't deny the boys buying her one. The boys each got her a necklace with some small diamonds, they were smiling broadly and proudly. We went home and I began to prepare the food for Sunday. To my surprise the boys wanted to help and we had some great laughs cooking. 

The day of Mother's Day and the boys want to make mommy breakfast. So we made some pancakes, eggs and sausage for mom. I begin to start cooking for the party and finish setting up the ourside. Two hours from the start of the party and the boys are asking when is everyone coming? I tell them and ask if they gave mom her gifts. They said no and ran back inside to give her the gifts. I hear her say she would like to open them when I am there too. I walk inside and tell her to go ahead and open them. 

She opens them both and of course the boys are overjoyed at the gifts they gave her. Immediately after opening the first necklace she begins to cry. She thanked them both and then got up to thank me. We hugged each other a long time, and she whispered in my ear how much she loves me. 

When the guests began to arrive this boys were so happy. They told everyone of the gifts they gave their mom. The rest of the day went very well, we all had a good time. Later that night my wife and I talked, we are doing better, I'm hoping we both have some good days, more so good days then bad. One day at a time, one day at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

drifting on said:


> A little update to my situation on Mother's Day. I took the boys shopping Friday night and to dinner. Explained to them what Mother's Day is and what I would have done normally. We get home and the boys walk through the door and yell happy mommies day!! Lol!! I said, boys Sunday is Mother's Day, not today.
> 
> Saturday the boys and I clean the house top to bottom as both our families are coming to our house. Had to do some last minute shopping, and the boys want to buy mommy a present. I hadn't bought a gift for her and thought I certainly can't deny the boys buying her one. The boys each got her a necklace with some small diamonds, they were smiling broadly and proudly. We went home and I began to prepare the food for Sunday. To my surprise the boys wanted to help and we had some great laughs cooking.
> 
> ...


Amazing Grace DO

Just Amazing

55


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The innocence of children is so healing. Beautiful story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Amazing Grace DO
> 
> Just Amazing
> 
> 55




55

My definition of grace is an undeserved favor, that said, each of us extends grace as we see fit. Grace is such a difficult offer to extend, yet sometimes we have to offer grace or forgiveness even though it's difficult. But what if grace and forgiveness were easy? If it were easy we wouldn't value grace and forgiveness the way we do, the meaning would be less, it wouldn't be important or valued. I consider grace to have a high value, not given carelessly, given with great consideration. I appreciate your kind words 55, I consider myself to be the lucky one, I got to spend the entire weekend with the boys having fun. Truth be told, these boys are teaching me so much about life, love, and what it means to truly live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> The innocence of children is so healing. Beautiful story.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Blossom

You are so right, Mother's Day used to have me going into a depressed mode the last couple years. This year was different, a completely different emotion and feeling from years past. The atmosphere at the party was sincere and jovial, I hadn't noticed that the last couple of years. I wasn't depressed or down in any way, I genuinely had a great time with family and friends. This could be for several reasons, but the biggest reason is because I'm healing, I have no animosity towards my wife. It took me a long time to heal this much, and I have more to go, but on Mother's Day I just lived in the moment. I didn't go backwards at all, I didn't go forward, I just truly enjoyed the weekend and the time I got to spend with family. That hasn't happened in quite some time. BlossomLeigh, thank you for posting, not just on this thread but all the others as well. I have learned so much from your posts and advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

So happy for your healing, what an amazing space to be in. You are super welcome and makes what I've been through redeemed. I am honored to have an impact.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

drifting on said:


> 55
> 
> My definition of grace is an undeserved favor, that said, each of us extends grace as we see fit. Grace is such a difficult offer to extend, yet sometimes we have to offer grace or forgiveness even though it's difficult. But what if grace and forgiveness were easy? If it were easy we wouldn't value grace and forgiveness the way we do, the meaning would be less, it wouldn't be important or valued. I consider grace to have a high value, not given carelessly, given with great consideration. I appreciate your kind words 55, I consider myself to be the lucky one, I got to spend the entire weekend with the *MY* boys having fun. Truth be told, these boys are teaching me so much about life, love, and what it means to truly live.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are very welcome DO

ETA: I fixed that for you

55


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> You are very welcome DO
> 
> ETA: I fixed that for you
> 
> 55




55

You are correct, thank you for fixing that for me, they are my boys. Thanks again for the kind words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

How's the gocart coming. I always wanted one but got a damn bike instead.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> How's the gocart coming. I always wanted one but got a damn bike instead.




The go cart is coming along great, in fact my nieces friend stopped by yesterday and picked up the frame. I don't have a welder and he has offered to weld it together for free!!! Currently looking for another small engine, I had one but I prefer a few more horses, starting to think of an old or very small snowmobile engine. I do have to remember the boys are only four, but I could adjust the gas pedal to only be depressed so far to keep the speed down. 

In high school the service station I worked at had a mechanic who was into stock cars and then mini champs. Mini champs are glorified go carts with snowmobile engines. They hit speeds of a little more then a hundred miles an hour, so I do need to be very careful. I'm not building a mini champ but speed always gave me such an adrenalin rush, hoping my boys get that same rush!! Those mini champs are incredible though, an inch off the ground at a hundred miles an hour was an amazing feeling!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Use the smaller engine for now. You can always swap it out as they get older.


----------



## Heartbrokensmc91 (May 4, 2016)

I'm so sorry for all you've been through and I hope you can overcome some of the pain. But I agree God blessed you with those two sweet boys to care for and love. You are their father


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Use the smaller engine for now. You can always swap it out as they get older.




You are right, I don't want them getting hurt, I want them to have fun like me and my cousins had. On the back I have an area for me to ride along and later it will hold a larger engine. When I was young my father had hardly anywhere to stand as I learned. So the one I'm building from raw metal will have a bigger platform for me to stand. My cousin who lives about four miles away has a farm with a half mile track to ride them safely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heartbrokensmc91 said:


> I'm so sorry for all you've been through and I hope you can overcome some of the pain. But I agree God blessed you with those two sweet boys to care for and love. You are their father




I posted on another thread that we all have our own pain, our own cross to bear, I'm sure you have pain also. I came here to write about my pain, my feelings, my emotions, and to communicate with others who understand the pain I feel. It was very cathartic for me to post, it was a way of releasing pain, to let the hurt go in some ways. Then later I realized how special this community is, people helping others who are lost and feeling intense pain. It's people just trying to help other people, and I felt that was amazing. Someone would post advice or kind words, or just words of support. That makes these posters special in my eyes, caring individuals doing this out of the goodness of their hearts. Nobody will be compensated monetarily, they are just good people helping others. 

While I too believe God placed these boys at my feet, I will raise to the best of my abilities, I will have as much fun as I possibly can, I will give to them everything they need just as father did for me. My boys will grow up in a home of love, they will have their needs met, they will have a college education, they will be raised by both parents who will be active in their lives. My parents made many sacrifices in their lives to raise my sister and I, how can I not do that for my boys who are completely innocent? I love my boys, I will give my life for them, I will be the best damn father I can be. This is why I go to therapy, not for my boys directly, but so I can be the best me I can be which allows me to be the best father I can be. God bless you, and best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

drifting on said:


> I posted on another thread that we all have our own pain, our own cross to bear, I'm sure you have pain also. I came here to write about my pain, my feelings, my emotions, and to communicate with others who understand the pain I feel. It was very cathartic for me to post, it was a way of releasing pain, to let the hurt go in some ways. Then later I realized how special this community is, people helping others who are lost and feeling intense pain. It's people just trying to help other people, and I felt that was amazing. Someone would post advice or kind words, or just words of support. That makes these posters special in my eyes, caring individuals doing this out of the goodness of their hearts. Nobody will be compensated monetarily, they are just good people helping others.
> 
> While I too believe God placed these boys at my feet, I will raise to the best of my abilities, I will have as much fun as I possibly can, I will give to them everything they need just as father did for me. My boys will grow up in a home of love, they will have their needs met, they will have a college education, they will be raised by both parents who will be active in their lives. My parents made many sacrifices in their lives to raise my sister and I, how can I not do that for my boys who are completely innocent? I love my boys, I will give my life for them, I will be the best damn father I can be. This is why I go to therapy, not for my boys directly, but so I can be the best me I can be which allows me to be the best father I can be. God bless you, and best of luck to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm going to phrase this the way my 21 y/o son would, _"You Rock, DO!!!" _


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

EI said:


> I'm going to phrase this the way my 21 y/o son would, _"You Rock, DO!!!" _




EI, you made me blush with that!! As you know I've had to work very hard on myself, to heal, to ease the pain, to live and not just exist. We have conversed and I'm getting there, but honestly, I couldn't have done it without many posters here at TAM. Each have helped me in my journey to heal, each have helped while thinking they were helping someone else. That's the beauty of TAM, you think you are helping the OP and it really helps so many more. I've created friendships here, people I would like to meet in person to shake their hand and say thank you to, people who are generous with helping others who struggle. You EI have helped me very much, I'm grateful for the help you have provided. B1 has helped me also, and I'm thankful for the help he has provided, but more importantly the example that a marriage can be overhauled, rebuilt, and be happy if you both work hard. B1 has made changes and bettered himself to become the perfect husband for you. You have done all of the same to become his perfect wife. While you each aren't perfect, you are perfect for each other, and that is what I consider to be amazing. God bless you EI, and thank you for the nice words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

This thread has kind of become my update thread on how our reconciliation has been going. I guess at times I think the boys are older then they really are, so I'll do a project with them that they just may be a little to young for. No, I'm not talking about the go cart but rather the project involving their swing set. I know many of you will realize just how stupid I can be sometimes, to think this was really a good idea. 

We bought a swing set with a little play area above made of wood. When we got it the wood looked terrible and rickety. I power washed the swing set then bought some stain to treat the wood. It looked great after the washing but since it is ten years old I wanted to treat the wood. The following is what I posted on my Facebook page regarding how this worked out for me.

So, yesterday with a sinus headache and all, I stained the boys swing set. No, that wasn't challenging enough, let's have the boys HELP stain the swing set!!! It has taken until now to be able to talk about this. All I can really say is, well, not a good idea on my part. You see at the age of four your priorities may be a little different then mine at thirty five. 

I gave both boys a brush and a four inch roller. Told them how to put stain on the roller and brush. To my dismay they didn't appear to hear my instructions. Let's start with Twin A, he placed his roller in the pan and had a blast splashing the stain out of the pan. This was easy enough to stop. I then had him show me paint the fence!! Well, imagine my dismay when I turn around and he is rolling the slide. Now I have to stop teaching Twin B to stop Twin A, but wait, my wife stops me by saying Twin A is painting the slide!!! My thought was no @&$! Sherlock I can't be everywhere!! But no I deal with it calmly. Yes your thoughts are correct, where is Twin B?? 

Twin B is busy painting anywhere he can hit the swing set with his brush. Hey, he at least painted the swing set!! So I get Twin B started on an area, when I hear crying...... Well, I find Twin A sitting by the pan and his leg covered from his shin down covered in stain!! Yes, I'm still calm and tell him to go see his mom. I turn back around and Twin B is staining the grass. Ok, short attention span, Twin B you can only paint the swing set!!! Twin B says ok daddy enthusiastically!!

Twin A in the meanwhile finds mom, mom speaks in Italian but since I don't speak Italian I only heard @&)}%^+>€ &&[email protected]&$&@&%##*£<~>*€<. I still don't know what it means, Twin A was just as bewildered as me!! In the meantime Twin B decides to quit. At this point I need a nap. 

After a refreshing nap I'm ready to finish!!! I go out and once I get set up the boys want to help again!! Guess who wasn't quick enough to get the brush and rollers??!! So we start again, but now we have the added pleasure of my wife helping us!! My wife starts to help the boys just as I tried, and she had a tad more luck then I, so she suggested they go play in their sandbox fifty feet away. No dice. So then my wife suggests how about just swinging on the swings. 

Now this would normally be a good thing to suggest, but instead they knock over the can of stain. Hey, more brown grass!!! So after she finishes speaking in Italian a second time she and the boys quit!!! I didn't have enough stain to finish so I will get another gallon tonight!! I can't wait until we have another family project together!!!! 

Now the above story is true, I didn't even change the names to protect the innocent or guilty, well, yes I did. But I can say I truly had a great day yesterday staining the swing set!!!! So my day went something like this; 😀🙃🙂🤓😳😳😡💊💊🍺🍻🍻🍾👳😺😴😴🚬🚬🖌🖌🚿🛁😢😢😭😭😭😭🤐🤐😷😷😡😇😇😇😇

I have spoken about this, and I was very sincere in that I very much enjoyed the day. Deep down I know my wife did too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

omg.. that's some deep giggles right there.. LOL


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> omg.. that's some deep giggles right there.. LOL




Although my neighbors keep asking me when I'm going to stain the front yard, I wouldn't change anything!!! The boys are so proud of themselves and tell everyone that they painted their swing set. Do it again in a heart beat!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Too funny!! So glad yall had such a good time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

