# dating with a toddler



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

How do you find dating after a divorce especially if you have a toddler? Do men find a child to be a baggage?

I am not there yet as far as dating but just read some articles. They were saying that men are under the impression that women are looking for financial security.

If I end up divorced(H having an affair and wants divorce) I promissed myself that I would never allow myself to be financially dependable on a man.

Also some men have problems with single mothers putting their kids first.

I would like to hear what men think of this topic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ddindiana (May 24, 2010)

I'm a soon to be single father and my daughter comes first. Your kids should come first and if a man sees kids as baggage then turn around and run, because when a man chooses you he also chooses the kids. He's not their father, but your kids are a part of you and if he wants to be with you he should also want to be with the kids.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Don't worry about what they want--it's what do you want? You want someone who will accept your child. That's all there is to it. 

Be very careful, however, b/c single moms with kids can attract pedophiles. While you should indicate that you have kids, do not disclose age/number until the relationship is established--at least several months. 

Your dating life should be separate from your parenting life for a long time, b/c the last thing your kid needs is an endless string of "mommy's boyfriends" in his/her life. It's recommended that you wait at least 6 mo. before introducing someone to your kids--if it lasts 6 mo., it's an important enough relationship for both of you to want to take this next step. Good luck!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There are simple realities involved.
I love kids. Have two of my own. Most dads that become single have some notion of the rigors of parenting. However, for my book, there are some red flags.

One woman I corresponded with could never deal with a planned date. It was always a matter of checking the schedule and see what the kids have going on. From my perspective, she either wasn't ready to actually date, or was way too focused on the kids. I stopped contacting her.

I spoke with another woman who outright stated that anyone she became involved with would have to accept that they would never come first, and she would always choose her kids over them. You know what? That's absolutely fine to think, but stating that as a criteria of acceptability is quite frankly ... dumb, if you are trying to attract a potential mate.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Be very careful, however, b/c single moms with kids can attract pedophiles. While you should indicate that you have kids, do not disclose age/number until the relationship is established--at least several months.


I don't know if I agree with this. I mean, c'mon. . .casual conversation - 

MAN: So, tell me about yourself. Do you have kids?
WOMAN: In the interest of privacy, I'd rather not disclose that at this time but as I gain further disclosures about you, I will consult with my attorney about releasing said information.

Not exactly bonding talk.

I mean really, what if after 6 months you tell him, "Oh, BTW, I have a 6 year old and a 3 year old!" and he absolutely freaks out and runs out of the room, LOL, screaming.



> Your dating life should be separate from your parenting life for a long time, b/c the last thing your kid needs is an endless string of "mommy's boyfriends" in his/her life. It's recommended that you wait at least 6 mo. before introducing someone to your kids--if it lasts 6 mo., it's an important enough relationship for both of you to want to take this next step. Good luck!


I do agree here.

And I do agree with Deejo too on the simple realities of the "mating game" but remember, it goes both ways too.

As a man with kids, there are an equal amount of women who fear getting mixed up with a father with kids so you probably want to hook up with a man who understands where you are at -that you have to call off a date because you have to go to the ER to get one of your kids stitches.

That's where I am at.

I have the Scarlet letter on me too - kids.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Whether or not he sees them as baggage depends on the man. I dated men who did see them that way, and then there's my boyfriend. He stepped into a stepfatherly role with them without my asking, and before I ever would have dreamed of asking. He adores them, and does so much with/for them. He understood right from the start that we were a package deal and that if he wanted me, he got them, too. He was fine with that. 

I do think caution is a requirement in dating when you have kids. I never considered, until my boyfriend, letting a man meet my children until we'd been dating at least 6 months and were fairly serious...a good policy, as none of my other relationships made it to 6 months, and therefore would have confused and upset my children. I did make a drastic exception for my boyfriend, letting him meet them 3 weeks in, but our relationship was dramatically different from others from day one. 

I also think you do need to be careful in terms of disclosing too much info about your kids, but you also can't hide it either. I would, when dating, tell men practically from the first conversation that I did have kids. Very early on, I would tell them their first names and their ages, but nothing more. Schools, daycares, anything that could identify my kids or locate them did not get disclosed. I did not let men pick me up at home, I always met them wherever we were going. It may seem overprotective or even just silly, but I would rather err on the side of caution. And anyone who showed too much interest in my kids (so much that it made me uncomfortable) was quickly ushered out of my life. 

I did make it a point to make sure men understood that my kids come first, but there is a certain balance in that. My boyfriend understands that my kids come before him (and he puts them before me, so it's not one-sided), but he also knows (as do the kids) that he is just as important to me as they are, and that they come first simply because they are my flesh and blood and they need me. He needs me, too, but not in the same way. He needs me for love, companionship, things like that, where they need me for food, shelter, etc. 

What you should do is determine your own rules for dating and the kids (how long before he meets the kids, what you'll disclose, etc.) and then just stick to them. A man who likes you, wants to get to know you and be with you, will understand. One who doesn't understand, isn't one you want to be with anyway. And if he sees your kids as baggage, huge red flage and you should run, not walk, away from him.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I would say you put it out there from the beginning that you have children and their ages. If you don't....you may start dating a guy that isn't ready for kids and then after a few months dump that on him....not the best idea. Better they know and are comfortable with it from the beginning. I met a man whom I didn't have to explain that my child comes first...he knew that's how it should be. He also knew that the 'package deal' came including my ex-husband as he is involved in her life and he has to be included in decisions that affect her. When to introduce the children to the other person is up to you. I did after a few months...others wait longer.

My husband had a friend who believed the cliche that single mom's are looking for a 'daddy' for their kids, have low self esteem, and will take anyone who talks to them. I blew that belief out of the water for him. I was independent and didn't have to have a man to live. I think that when you show them that you are a strong independent woman who doesn't NEED a man, but would like to share her life with one anyway then you'll get a good one


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

i have been a single mom for a long time, and the best advice i could give you is to be wary of men who c ome into your life...I was concerned about my daughter having stability in her life, I didnt want a stream of men coming in and out of her life so I waited until she was in high school to consider meeting someone...i found the toddler/preschool/early grade school years to be so full of activity that I wouldnt have been able to be a good mom to her and date at the same time...being a good mom to her was my focus most of her growing up years..i made a conscious decision to wait until she was almost an adult..

instead of focusing though on future dating, i think the best scenario would be if your husband repented from this affair, and turned back to you and your child..you dont have much control over what he does, but you can talk to him about how important it is for your c hild that you guys stay together..

if he has a heart then he will drop this other woman, repent, and turn back to you guys...

if he doesnt do that, he doesnt have a heart, and your better off without him.

then at that point you can worry about dating..
but to worry about dating while your still married is putting the cart before the horse and just confuses everything

so my best advice from a single mom with alot of years of experience, is to try to talk to him about saving your marriage..if he has no heart and doesnt want to do that, your better off without him!

then at that point if you get divorced and start thinking about dating, you can consider if you want to or if you decide to wait til your child is older and a bit more independent..
toddlers need alot of care and attention and i didnt see a way to juggle that with dating, without compromising my parenting so that's why i decided to wait..

if and when you do decide to meet someone, make sure they are a good hearted person who understands and respects your childs need for you as his/her mom...any man who gets irritated or resentful of you taking time and attention for your child is still a kid themselves..
a real grownup man would actually like seeing you take the time and attention needed to care for your child


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

The original post was put here a while ago. We are now divorced and he seems to be doing fine, as if nothing bad ever happened.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> The original post was put here a while ago. We are now divorced and he seems to be doing fine, as if nothing bad ever happened.


When i was younger, and met women with a toddler who seemed a bit too interested in me, my mind went to these scenarios.

Either they were looking for quick sex...

Or they were desperate and looking for a Captain Save-Em!!!

At the time neither really did much for me. The quick sex thing didn't work because i just didn't want to be involved with all the potential drama. And as for the being their Knight in shining armor. I just felt like initially, i wasn't getting their true selves because they wanted to land a guy so bad. Eventually their true self emerged. Btw, i did live witha girl in college who had a young child. Baby daddy was actually a cool dude. THe chick her self... not so cool.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Well I am definitely not looking for quick sex or a saviour. I have always been quite independent myself. I just wanted to hear the stigmas associated with single mothers out in the dating world. Right now dating is very, very far from my mind.Between looking for work, trying to settle down after a cross border move, trying to rais a child with multiple food allergies and feeding issues almost all by myself, trying to deal with my post divorce emotions,trying to decide how to go back to school with a small child, yeah not too much time is left to even think about dating.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You being independent and goal oriented will definitely resonate with guys. At least that is my point of view given my circumstances. 

Kids are not a minus. Unless you are very young, odds are, many eligible men are also going to be dads - and we get it.

Sounds like you are definitely taking care of business. Just don't forget to take care of yourself on the fun side of things once in a while as well.

How old is your child and what allergies are you dealing with?


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

He will be 2 in December and he has dairy/wheat/egg allergies. On top of that his teeth came out really late(in Jan 10 he only had 4 and was 1 yr old) and now we are learning to chew which is going very difficult.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Does he have celiac? That can certainly be a challenge with a toddler - particularly if they are sensitive to soy as well.

I grew up with a host of food allergies, that is why I asked.

I was primarily dairy, nuts, fish and shellfish. It is entirely possible that as his system matures, that he will be able to tolerate some of those foods much better.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Hi Deejo, sent you a PM, don't want to get too off topic here.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Being a mom will turn off some guys but those are the losers you want to weed out anyway. Met my second wife about 27 years ago. She was a single mom with a 3 year old terror of a son. She and I didn't last all that long but my "son" and I have been together 27 years. His bio dad was never in the picture, so, if nothing else, because I dated and married a woman with a little boy, I got a son for life and he got a dad, grandparents, uncles and aunts, and cousins, and two sisters who love him. That's not bad.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I wanted nothing more than a nice happy, healthy family but I guess my ex H had some other plans. It's going to be tough no matter how you put it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he doesn't want to play husband and daddy, the world is full of completely acceptable men who would welcome the opportunity. Don't let the screen door hit him where the Good Lord split him.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> If he doesn't want to play husband and daddy, the world is full of completely acceptable men who would welcome the opportunity. Don't let the screen door hit him where the Good Lord split him.


I like your last sentence. I may actually add it on my FB Quotations section:smthumbup:


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Let me put it this way - not only do I not care about dating a woman with kids. . .I think I want to date a woman with kids.

I already dated a woman who didn't ever have kids. It's a different nightmare as a dad of 3 boys, I had to balance seeign her with spending time with my kids. A childless person's world is totally different - they're going out on Friday nights, traveling here and there, and engaged in their hobbies. On my end, I am trying to pay for college, manage sports schedules, and do doctor visits.

It's not compatible.

Now. . .if the kid is a terror, I'll admit, I have never done that. All my boys are well behaved, disiplined, and do well in school. Except hte middle one. . .he's a clown. I am not sure where he gets it from. Anyway. . .

I would admit if I was dating a woman who was the mother of an undisiplined child, I may shy away because you are stuck in a nether world of disiplining that child, especially boys who need the disipline of a man. Girls only really need to see you treat their mother well. Disipline can fall to the mother.


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