# At a loss



## TioMauricio

Hi everyone...

My sister just passed a few weeks ago and has left her daughter with me.

It all happened so fast and I need some advice here... I don't know anything about children. I don't know how to be a dad. And she spends all her day locked in her room and I just don't know what to do... I try to get her to come to the movies with me to get our minds off my sister but she just refuses.

I don't know what to do.... can anyone help me?


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## amberlynn

Im sorry to hear about your sister, I know first hand it can be hard to lose a loved one. How old is your sister's daughter? You and her both need time to grieve the loss of your sister, and her mother. Its not easy being a parent, theres so much to learn, give her time to come around, maybe have her talk to a counsoler, it probably wouldnt hurt for you to talk to one as well. I hope it all works out for the best, so sorry for your loss.


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## Sandy55

Good Heaven's, am SO sorry for your loss and your poor niece must be feeling so upset! Was the death expected or sudden?


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## TioMauricio

It was expected but still happened so fast. One moment she's just there and healthy (at least healthy enough) and next thing she's gone.

amberlynn, she's thirteen. And I just feel so bad cause she's already going through the typical teenager turmoil and now she has this on her plate too. She's seeing a counselor already.

I guess I just don't know what I'm doing. I've never had to raise a kid before, so this whole dad thing is new to me. Everything is a struggle. She won't do ANYTHING I ask her even when I ask nicely. So I just don't know what to do??


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## 827Aug

I feel so sorry for both of you! You are correct; thirteen is a very difficult age even without all of the grief. Is your niece still living in the same city? Or did she have to move too? How about her friends? I don't know if you are religious, but I rely on my faith in difficult times. Therefore, a priest, minister, etc. can be helpful when dealing with grief. If this isn't an option with you, you might want to see a counselor. The counselor could direct you on how best to care for your niece.

Hang in there


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## TioMauricio

My niece used to live in Spain and just had to move to New York with me. So that means changing everything from living place to school, and learning a new language. 

I'm not religious but I guess you're right, I should see a counselor. I don't really know what I'm doing though and could use some tips!


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## 827Aug

Oh, WOW! This is tough on your niece. My heart really goes out to both of you! With the internet I guess it would be possible for her to stay in contact with friends. Try to encourage that. I thought of something else which I'll mention. Does she like animals? Do you live in a place where you could have a pet? Sometimes a special pet can help fill the void. Anyway, hope you can find a great counselor.....


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## sisters359

What a very, very difficult situation for a 13 y.o., and for you--but hers is much worse, so dig deep for all the love and patience you can find. Quit asking her to do anything if she is already unresponsive. Simply talk to her, starting slowly with a blend of sympathy and common chit chat. If the door to her room is closed, just say one thing when you pass by--"I'm sure you are feeling sad and lost. I wish I could help. I'll be ready to talk whenever you are." Keep up with a couple (but not more than a few) comments like that through the day. Then make random comments about other things--news, sports, t.v. shows, whatever. Maybe give her some clues as to your interest. "Wow, my favorite baseball team just lost big to a team they should have beaten. I hate it when that happens!" You can add occasional comments about how you miss her mom, too. The counseling is great-go as many times a week as each of you can. Being a teenaged girl, she will eventually get tired of being so bored with her thoughts and herself, and she'll need clues on how to approach you, which your gentle dose of comments will provide. Watch for severe depression setting in, however; if she doesn't bathe or lets her hair go dirty, doesn't eat, etc., you will want to take more aggressive action--talk to a medical doctor intervention at that point. Best of luck, and bless you for looking to help this poor girl!


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## Zebra Doll

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. Even worse i know it has to be hard on you taking in a teenager. Best thing to do is keep praying and working on building a relationship with her. Children need to know that you are there and won't give up on them. When she realizes that you aren't going anywhere i'm sure she'll come around. Good luck!


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## anonmom

My dad and I were had hard times when I was a teen. I know he did a lot of communicating with little notes or little gifts. It sounds small, but just knowing he was thinking of me and took a little time to do something for me made me feel very special. Also some things are easier to say on paper. I will never forget the one he wrote me asking to let him know what kind of tampons to buy me, very sweet. Lots of patience. 
I am so sorry for yours and her situation, I wish you both all the best. 

God Bless you Both!!


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## dobo

I'm so sorry for your niece and for you. YOu both have a lot of work ahead of you.

I guess the best thing I could suggest would be to simply share your grief and your uncertainty with her. But tell her that you will make things work. Reassure her that you're there and you're not going anywhere and that the two of you together will endure.

Her entire universe just went crazy. I can't imagine what she's experiencing. I don't think any amount of talk therapy from a counselor, even the best one on the planet, is going to be that much solace. Only family can understand.

Can you get her back to visit with friends? Something to look forward to like a trip "home" might be positive for her, too.

Cry with her. Don't hide your own grief.


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## gabejoel

I am so very sorry and my heart goes out to you both. I lost my mother to cancer when i was 17 and had to manage to live with my step-dad who soon became addictted to booze. I had lots of other issue's surrounding my mom's passing as well.It is very difficult to go through, and you will learn to cope in time and you will always still feel that loss.It has come and gone for me.I have managed with talking, and trying with family.You are doing the right thing by being there for her and just be patient.Greif has no time limit.Just be open with her and encourage her through love and committent to give her back somewhat of a normal life.Dont forget about yourself either,because without you she has no chance.Children are hard, but such a wonderful addittion to our lives, take time to talk to other parents, and just get to know her.


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## SFladybug

dobo said:


> I'm so sorry for your niece and for you. YOu both have a lot of work ahead of you.
> 
> I guess the best thing I could suggest would be to simply share your grief and your uncertainty with her. But tell her that you will make things work. Reassure her that you're there and you're not going anywhere and that the two of you together will endure.
> 
> Her entire universe just went crazy. I can't imagine what she's experiencing. I don't think any amount of talk therapy from a counselor, even the best one on the planet, is going to be that much solace. Only family can understand.
> 
> Can you get her back to visit with friends? Something to look forward to like a trip "home" might be positive for her, too.
> 
> Cry with her. Don't hide your own grief.


:iagree:

Also, try leaving her notes each day outside her door. Like "Don't forget me, I'm out here too and need a hug" or "Life sucks! But Ice Cream doesn't" 

Or, maybe she has an email address and you can send her some email quick thoughts with a :bounce: - they always make me smile. 
It sounds like a tall order to take care of a 13 year old girl with no experience. Remember, you need to stay sane. She may take some time to come around, but be the stable person for her right now and someday she will come out of her shell. They say it takes months to work through this type of grief. God bless you both


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