# I am back again. What to do from here? Still no sex.



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

It has been months since I chatted here about our relationship issues. Have been with my "partner" now for 12yrs. Had multiple rough patches and even separate homes for 3yrs. 

We have been back together for probably 5yrs now, were engaged until last year. The ring was so important that she just stopped wearing it. Did not tell me a thing. 

Anyway, we have been seeing a therapist for 9mo or so. I have certainly explained to my partner in DETAIL that no sex for me means you do not love me and do not care about making me happy. She of course wants more of her **** which is helping, family time, etc, etc. Tried all that, we get into a good stretch of having sex for about a week. It just tapers off to nothing. About 3mo now. 

99% of the time, I have to initiate sex and it usually feels more like pity sex or it is all about here. I give oral for 1hr, I get it for 30sec. We worry more about her orgasm than if I am happy. I decided piss on it, I am not about to try again and get shot down so I just do what she does which is make here the very last thing on my list, and just roll over and go to sleep when I go to bed. 

I found the other day that her dildo was freshly used. I suspect while I was watching a movie, she snuck off to ram herself with some plastic. So, no too tired and busy for that, but too busy to wave me into the bed to help. 

She is NOT an affectionate person and I have told her that. She does not kiss me, hug me, touch me, say anything complementary, act turned on, dress to play, etc. If I were to ask here today, she would say I need to do those things for her. I have tried that, it works for a few days. 

She also has Herpes so when that time comes around, she used to consider my needs but that only lasted a couple years. Now I just get to rough it. She does not even TELL me she has it, she just ignores me. 

I realize most of the comments will be "sweep her off her feet" or "you are a cold prick and need to consider her needs". I have done it all, nothing puts her in the mood. 

I hate to say it but if some hot 20 something came into my life right now, I would be cheating like there is no tomorrow but that is not what I want. Is it too much to ask for my partner to have even the slightest about of friggin desire for me and act like sex is important? She still thinks that is my "reward" for months worth of work. If I get everything just perfect for 2-3mo, we can have sex a couple times, as long as she has an orgasm....


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> It has been months since I chatted here about our relationship issues. Have been with my "partner" now for 12yrs. Had multiple rough patches and even separate homes for 3yrs.
> 
> We have been back together for probably 5yrs now, were engaged until last year. The ring was so important that she just stopped wearing it. Did not tell me a thing.
> 
> ...


If it's not OK with you, it's not OK with you. Remember, the people who put up with BS, get to eat exactly that.

If the behavior and format is not ok with you, voice your concern.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

This has been going on for years. Nothing will change if you don't DO something. If this is really so important to you, file and see if that doesn't wake her up.

Good luck


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

What are the reasons you are wanting to stay with her? In what way is this relationship bettering you as a person, helping you to reach your goals or benefiting your day to day life?

I think people can fall into a trap of thinking 'we have been together for x years so our relationship means something.' Perhaps we think being alone would be worse or perhaps we feel that if we can get over one more bump.all will be well.

This has been going on so long - I do not think you should stay in this relationship unless you are willing to spend the rest of your life in this manner.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

2-3 months is a drop in the ocean in terms of putting a long term relationship back on track.

Ever wonder if you had the ability to go back in time a rework certain interactions with your spouse, how those interactions might then cause a ripple effect of positivity or perhaps cease the ripple effect of negativity? When you contemplate what those changes might bring about in present terms, how would you then be responding to her? Would the years of unhappiness and resentment disappear, thus leaving you free to enjoy a little joke without cynically believing that the joke was at your expense?

Behave towards your wife as if she was the very essence of what you always wanted, treated you exactly as you have always wanted to be treated by her, and keep doing it for months and months and months.

What I found most telling was that she took off her rings and didn't tell you. It's not that she didn't tell you, it's that you didn't notice.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Go ahead and marry her. Your sex life will improve. Says no one ever.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> What I found most telling was that she took off her rings and didn't tell you. It's not that she didn't tell you, it's that you didn't notice.


Appreciate the response. Actually I DID notice but I can't even remember how I approached that. I furthered that by taking the ring that she threw in her bowl of other junk jewelry, put it back in the box, and put it in my dresser. 

I have no idea if it was a test or what. Women are just GD tricky like that. Still trying to find the manual for this one. 

To be honest, after typing here, I just about went off on her in an email, but decided to go the opposite and told her I enjoyed spending time with her last weekend and she looked very delicious this morning. I can pretty much guarantee it will be matched with "thanks" and, "can I go out with my girl friend tonight?". 

Personally, I would expect that to be matched with "me too, I love you, yada yada, kiss me big daddy". It will be nothing of the sort though.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

treyvion said:


> If it's not OK with you, it's not OK with you. Remember, the people who put up with BS, get to eat exactly that.
> 
> If the behavior and format is not ok with you, voice your concern.


I'm assuming from the tone of his post he's voiced his concern numerous times and he's gotten nothing in return.

OP...sexless marriages rarely EVER change. And I would argue the ones that do only change temporarily. She's no longer concerned with your physical needs. So what are you going to do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Thound said:


> Go ahead and marry her. Your sex life will improve. Says no one ever.


This. She's showing you clearly what your future holds. What more do you need to know?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Thound said:


> Go ahead and marry her. Your sex life will improve. Says no one ever.


How often has sex improved after marriage? ( In America? )

How about how often has committment level improved as a result of marriage? ( In America? )


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If this has been going on for years, and therapy hasn't helped, perhaps it really is time to consider whether or not you are prepared to stay in this relationship - because by the sounds of things, nothing is going to change.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

LOL, Yeah, I kind of wondered from the beginning of the drain of my bank account if this would be worth it. I am shouldering a lot of blame as the culprit here but as I have explained, I don't think it is too much to ask for some sort of intimate contact at some level. I see women out and at least touch their men and act like they want to be loved. I refer to her as my room mate because though we talk about a lot of things and are very comfortable around each other, there is no contact. It is the oddest thing and I still think her head is all screwed up. 

I called her selfish many times in therapy because she thinks that getting me special things from the store means "not selfish" but I have carefully detailed that I DO NOT CARE. I am the easiest guy on the planet to love. touch me, kiss me, hump me, I will reciprocate. I have gone on too long with this one sided relationship but all I read about is how the man needs to "pursue the woman", etc. We are not playing to GD dating game any more.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> LOL, Yeah, I kind of wondered from the beginning of the drain of my bank account if this would be worth it. I am shouldering a lot of blame as the culprit here but as I have explained, I don't think it is too much to ask for some sort of intimate contact at some level. I see women out and at least touch their men and act like they want to be loved. I refer to her as my room mate because though we talk about a lot of things and are very comfortable around each other, there is no contact. It is the oddest thing and I still think her head is all screwed up.
> 
> I called her selfish many times in therapy because she thinks that getting me special things from the store means "not selfish" but I have carefully detailed that I DO NOT CARE. I am the easiest guy on the planet to love. touch me, kiss me, hump me, I will reciprocate. I have gone on too long with this one sided relationship but all I read about is how the man needs to "pursue the woman", etc. We are not playing to GD dating game any more.


Pretty much my situ Bob. I have had that terrible sinking feeling in the last few weeks that we are indeed trawling through the embers - a slow dance of death. She is doing zip other than bring home the bacon and drink to excess. I think it is incredible that you also are experiencing that bizarre behavior where shopping somehow helps. Even after my protests and pleas she still will not curtail online spending. Even after she has agreed that we need to put away pennys for our end of year family trip sure enough I get home and there is another parcel. I just had to mention the fact that I like those new coffee machines and now we have one. She will not stop!


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

So why do you stay ? 

Are there kids ? 

What are your ages ? 

Is it financial reasons ?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well, she does not really have a shopping issue that I am aware of but when she goes to the grocery store, she will get something like raw pecans because I like those. Thoughtful, yet I don't give a **** because I ain't getting any....

She blew up at the therapist about how it took me 2 months to put tires on one of her cars. I told her "if there was a chance of sex after, I would have done it in 2 days". To this day, she still cannot figure out what motivates me....It ain't pecans...


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

barbados said:


> So why do you stay ?
> 
> Are there kids ?
> 
> ...


2 kids, 11 and 3.

Both are financially screwed without the other. Neither have done taxes in a while and is going to be an issue. We are both locked in on a piece of property together. Own it outright but.... She keeps talking about moving out there but I am about to tell her no action, we ain;t moving forward. I don't want to build a life with someone that does not make me happy.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Dude. I think she already moved out and you haven't seen it yet. If this is the way you want to live then by all means go for it but it seems like your losing not only the battle but the war. If she took the rings off and jabs herself with a dildo rather than having sex with you and thinks that a bag of nuts is going to give you a orgasm then you got to ask yourself if you can do better.

As far a not paying taxes for a while, your on your own there friend. Should have thought about that before it got out of hand.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

As a brother in a similar situation I have to say....there is no hope. Decide if you want this life of misery or if you want to start over.

It sucks man...I know.


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