# My story. In sort of short form.



## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

I am new to this site but my husband suggested I come check it out as I am struggling with allot of guilt, anxiety & panic attacks. He has found allot of help here.*

I had an affair. The OM was my previous boss, still working for the same company just in diff locations. I'm not even sure how it started because now after the fact ppl have pointed out things he was doing that I mistook for just regular kindness. I was very unhappy in my marriage & it had for the most part hit rock bottom. A husband who just wasnt there for me in so many ways.The other man knew I was upset on more than one occasion, he wud say all the right things & started to give ideas how to get out of my marriage, he had been divorced after his wife of 22yrs left him for another man. Venting texts, work frustration Phn calls became more frequent and then we had to travel for work, my LH had a major melt down when I was gone & the OM is where I found comfort. *It just snowballed from there. I tried to end it w my LH before he found anything out, as did the OM. His common-law wife intercepted some emails, confronted him & he told her he wanted out. The OM & I had plan an evening away, that was the night it went from EA to a PA. *The next day, the OM dumped me. He said he needed to stay w her cuz he Cudnt be alone & knew I was not relocating for some time. I was crushed, I put my tail between my legs & went back to my LH. He found out of the affair within days & the $hit hit the fan. My LH took me back, forgive & forget.*
BUT the OM still contacted me, came to see me "to explain" y he had dumped me, told me he had made a mistake & still loved me. I didn't know what to do or think so I continued to fake my way thru my marriage & had random contact w OM. He then told me he was marrying his CLW. I was crushed all over again. But within a couple wks of putting his ring on he was back to texting me that he had it all wrong. Then he said he was going to leave her cuz he Cudnt live without me. And the texts, calls, emails all became more frequent. I refused to see him until I was sure he was done w her. Then she phoned my LH. He told me to get out. I packed my bags, upset but being encouraged by the OM that we wud get thru it & be together. I was really struggling, on the cusp of losing my kids, my entire family was coming down hard on me (understandably cuz what was doing was stupid). My LH was furious but I knew he loved me more than anything and I started seeing him different. He had been responsible for 50% of the 1st round but he had done nothing but work his hardest to make us better. I found myself not wanting to hear the OM's negativity about what my LH Cudnt do for me that he could. I felt torn between but my LH really did love me & i started loving him like i had for over 12years. I chose to cut off all contact with & make my life right. The OM was shocked, very angry & persistent in trying to change my mind. I wrote a NC letter, spoke to my boss & co-workers saying I cud have NC w him or anyone from his office. So now my life is an open book w my LH and I am honestly going to do anything & everything I can to show my husband I love him, what I did was wrong and that *we can grow through this.*
I know our marriage will ever be the same but I am committed to make it something better than it ever could have been, us knowing where it broke down in the 1st place.*So now with NC, me doing anything & everything each day to show my husband I do love him & I am never going to hurt him as I have up until now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> I am new to this site but my husband suggested I come check it out as I am struggling with allot of guilt, anxiety & panic attacks. He has found allot of help here.*
> 
> I had an affair. The OM was my previous boss, still working for the same company just in diff locations. I'm not even sure how it started because now after the fact ppl have pointed out things he was doing that I mistook for just regular kindness. I was very unhappy in my marriage & it had for the most part hit rock bottom. A husband who just wasnt there for me in so many ways.The other man knew I was upset on more than one occasion, he wud say all the right things & started to give ideas how to get out of my marriage, he had been divorced after his wife of 22yrs left him for another man. Venting texts, work frustration Phn calls became more frequent and then we had to travel for work, my LH had a major melt down when I was gone & the OM is where I found comfort. *It just snowballed from there. I tried to end it w my LH before he found anything out, as did the OM. His common-law wife intercepted some emails, confronted him & he told her he wanted out. The OM & I had plan an evening away, that was the night it went from EA to a PA. *The next day, the OM dumped me. He said he needed to stay w her cuz he Cudnt be alone & knew I was not relocating for some time. I was crushed, I put my tail between my legs & went back to my LH. He found out of the affair within days & the $hit hit the fan. My LH took me back, forgive & forget.*
> BUT the OM still contacted me, came to see me "to explain" y he had dumped me, told me he had made a mistake & still loved me. I didn't know what to do or think so I continued to fake my way thru my marriage & had random contact w OM. He then told me he was marrying his CLW. I was crushed all over again. But within a couple wks of putting his ring on he was back to texting me that he had it all wrong. Then he said he was going to leave her cuz he Cudnt live without me. And the texts, calls, emails all became more frequent. I refused to see him until I was sure he was done w her. Then she phoned my LH. He told me to get out. I packed my bags, upset but being encouraged by the OM that we wud get thru it & be together. I was really struggling, on the cusp of losing my kids, my entire family was coming down hard on me (understandably cuz what was doing was stupid). My LH was furious but I knew he loved me more than anything and I started seeing him different. He had been responsible for 50% of the 1st round but he had done nothing but work his hardest to make us better. I found myself not wanting to hear the OM's negativity about what my LH Cudnt do for me that he could. I felt torn between but my LH really did love me & i started loving him like i had for over 12years. I chose to cut off all contact with & make my life right. The OM was shocked, very angry & persistent in trying to change my mind. I wrote a NC letter, spoke to my boss & co-workers saying I cud have NC w him or anyone from his office. So now my life is an open book w my LH and I am honestly going to do anything & everything I can to show my husband I love him, what I did was wrong and that *we can grow through this.*
> ...



What is it that you need?

Reading your writeup, I dont even know if you're truly remorse? It appears that you were ready to leave your marriage behind. The error you made was your judgement of the OM. If it was a different OM, you may have abandoned your husband and kids by now? 

It's just that the OM didnt turn out. And you went back to your fallback -- your husband.

May I suggest you figure out why you have low ethics and then work to raise your standards?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Did you go back to your husband because the OM dumped you? You husband might be partially responsible for your marriage not being happy but he's not responsible for your cheating.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So the moral of the story is "Choose a good OM". You got back to your husband because the OM was not trustworthy and unreliable.



> He had been responsible for 50% of the 1st round


No , he was not even 1% responsible for your affair both the times. You don't cheat every time you are unhappy in a marriage.



> I packed my bags, upset but being encouraged by the OM that we wud get thru it & be together.


 I don't know you but you do seem to get back because the other options ran out or not good enough. You are back because of the wrong reasons. You thought the grass was greener and abandoned your husband. Why do you say that it won't happen again?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Alley, some here are going to give you a hard time. Don't let that scare you off. You can get a lot of help here. 

What kind of help are you looking for here?

What have you been doing so to prove your trustworthyness to your husband?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Start here , a book "His Needs Her Needs" has saved untold numbers of marriages especially when both spouse are on board. Good luck and Merry Christmas.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I am not sure what you are asking?

Do you love your Husband or are you just wishing the OM worked out and biding your time until he makes up his mind?

If a man wants you, he will move heaven and Earth to be with you. Does the OM qualify?

What are you missing?


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

This is my wife. You can search my threads for more info. In short she is doing everything I could ask
to make this right. The advice and help from people on these boards has helped me and Ihope now you can continue to help both of us. We are early in this. NC, full transperancy, and starting counseling in the new year. The love is there, the remorse is there even if you don't see it in her post. I see it everyday. I don't see any other admitted couples on this board so maybe our story from two side will help others as we begin to try and build a new marriage. I love my wife, I forgive my wife. I am extremely hurt and sometimes very angry. I do not trust her and it is very hard for me to believe anything she says. We have a beautiful 5 yr old girl and a handsome 3 yr old boy that are also part of this. We want to heal this family. This is the last chance. Any breech of NC on her part will be divorce. We will share our feelings and experiances with you as we go through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> This is my wife. You can search my threads for more info. In short she is doing everything I could ask
> to make this right. The advice and help from people on these boards has helped me and Ihope now you can continue to help both of us. We are early in this. NC, full transperancy, and starting counseling in the new year. The love is there, the remorse is there even if you don't see it in her post. I see it everyday. I don't see any other admitted couples on this board so maybe our story from two side will help others as we begin to try and build a new marriage. I love my wife, I forgive my wife. I am extremely hurt and sometimes very angry. I do not trust her and it is very hard for me to believe anything she says. We have a beautiful 5 yr old girl and a handsome 3 yr old boy that are also part of this. We want to heal this family. This is the last chance. Any breech of NC on her part will be divorce. We will share our feelings and experiances with you as we go through this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My SO and I are an "admitted" couple. We both post on here. I hope your W is showing you actual remorse cause as you've stated, it does not come across that way in her post. I wish you both luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> My SO and I are an "admitted" couple. We both post on here. I hope your W is showing you actual remorse cause as you've stated, it does not come across that way in her post. I wish you both luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did posting on here as a couple help you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> Did posting on here as a couple help you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think so. We each have our own threads. We don't tend to post on each other's threads.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> He had been responsible for 50% of the 1st round but he had done nothing but work his hardest to make us better.


You are 100% responsible for your cheating, no if ands or buts about it. The fact that you are still blame shifting 50% to your husband shows that you are a cheater to the core. 

You admitted that you always knew that your husband would take you back no matter and you used his love for you against him. You see his love for you as a weakness to be exploited not as a good thing to be cherished. You are a bad person. If I knew your husband I would do everything in my power to get him to leave you, because you have no real remorse and will do it again. The only reason that you did not leave him this time is because your OM was just using you because he saw you for what you really are. I wish your husband good luck, because he will need it for foolishly letting you back into his life.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> the remorse is there even if you don't see it in her post.


I guess you missed the part in her post about you being equally to blame for her first round of cheating. By accepting that from her, you are giving her the green light to cheat again the next time she gets unhappy.

You sound like a good and decent person that is being guided by your heart and not your brain. I wish you luck. I truly do.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I think she`s still lying to you.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

I do feel remorse. I LOVE my husband more than anything. I feel like a complete F-up that does not deserve the love of my husband & children. I have to live with what I have done to my family everyday for the rest of my life. I came on here to try understand how my husband is feeling and find some constructive advice on how to try heal the hurt I have caused, not to get judged, berated or to take shots from ppl that feel the need to project their own relationship anger on someone who joined to try make life better. I wanted to share what I have done, maybe help a few others understand how marriages get to this point. I did not say I placed all the blame on my husband, I am 100% aware that this was all mine doing but I also believe that I married an amazing man who I did take for granted & almost lost to my own selfishness. And I am determined to show him that I am in this all the way, he was Not my fallback guy.I will continue to read on this site but I will refrain posting as I am beating myself up over all this so I don't need a firing squad to help. I wish you all nothing but the best in your own relationships & I know you will see over time thru my husbands posts that we are going to be ok. Have a very Merry Christmas & be safe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Start, perhaps, by developing stronger ethics and morals. Unfortunately these values will take years to develop and internalized.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> I do feel remorse. I LOVE my husband more than anything. I feel like a complete F-up that does not deserve the love of my husband & children. I have to live with what I have done to my family everyday for the rest of my life. I came on here to try understand how my husband is feeling and find some constructive advice on how to try heal the hurt I have caused, not to get judged, berated or to take shots from ppl that feel the need to project their own relationship anger on someone who joined to try make life better. I wanted to share what I have done, maybe help a few others understand how marriages get to this point. I did not say I placed all the blame on my husband, I am 100% aware that this was all mine doing but I also believe that I married an amazing man who I did take for granted & almost lost to my own selfishness. And I am determined to show him that I am in this all the way, he was Not my fallback guy.I will continue to read on this site but I will refrain posting as I am beating myself up over all this so I don't need a firing squad to help. I wish you all nothing but the best in your own relationships & I know you will see over time thru my husbands posts that we are going to be ok. Have a very Merry Christmas & be safe.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ally, you are going to get a lot of people who are going to be very harsh. They are going to analyze your words because they have heard it all before from many who were not genuinely remorseful or truthful. Unfortunately this is what happens more often than not. Understand that the betrayed spouses and the ones that have cheated are all here to help those that need it. We don't get paid, most of the time we get no thanks. We do it because we have all experienced something that is unimaginable but real. We wish to share what we have learned to help those that are experiencing what we have already been through.

You have to be strong, strong for your husband, strong for your kids, and strong for yourself. Please take the time to see what the posters are really saying. All have been hurt in many ways but if you can truly see what they are saying I think you'll have a better understanding of the feelings both you and your husband are going through. They can vocalize his anger, sadness, doubt, and confusion because he loves you and cannot say all the things to you that he might be feeling. And those that have been the ones that cheated can often talk you through things that you are feeling because they have been there and come out the other side stronger and wiser.

My wife had her A almost 20 years ago so I have some perspective now that I certainly did not have then. When I looked at my wife then I did not see my wife. In some ways I felt that the woman I married, the woman I loved was dead and gone. I wrote this in another thread describing the anger and resentment I felt toward her:

**********************************
"In my pain I began to see her not as my wife but a caricature constructed out of hate, anguish and fear. She ceased being a woman who had made a grievous error and was trying to rectify it and became a horrible creature who had crushed my heart and stolen my future. She became a nightmare that had killed my loving wife."
**********************************

I suspect betrayed spouses all have this moment of confusion and anguish. I suspect your husband has felt some of this as well. My wife's perspective was a little different but no less painful. She was guilt ridden and so filled with sorrow over what she had done. Recently she wrote this in a letter to another woman I know who is currently cheating on her husband:

***********************************
"My wife wrote a letter to this woman and told her how breaking free of the affair was one of the hardest things she has ever done. She literally felt addicted to the behavior and even though she wanted to stop she couldn't do it. Then one day as she was leaving to go meet him she stopped for a moment to watch me playing with our son. She had an epiphany and knew right then and there she had to find the strength to end it. She did and then came clean that night.

She also explained in the letter how the longer it went on the more and more guilt built up until it felt like she was choking on it. She couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and she felt like every breath would be her last. She said part of the reason she found it hard to end it was that the OM was the only other person who knew what was going on and she felt relieved to be able to talk to him about it. She also said the guilt fueled their passion when they were together. I didn't like to hear that but I needed to hear it.

She said when she told me and saw the look in my eyes she wished she had died. She said if she could travel back in time she would have killed her cheating self rather than allow it to happen. She said she has lived with that hole in her heart for 20 years and it's only filled when I hold her hand."
*************************************

If you have felt the remorse and guilt for what has happened then you and your husband have a chance to heal from this. But in order for true reconciliation to occur you need to make sure that everything is out in the open. In many ways the hardest thing I had to heal from was not the affair or the sex...it was the dishonesty. The fact that my wife was completely open about what had happened was probably the only reason we did not divorce. Trust is often the first casualty of an affair and it is often the last aspect of the marriage to return. But if you are both committed to healing it can and does return albeit slowly.

I can honestly say that although the innocence of our marriage ended when she had her affair our marriage while different is stronger and more vibrant each and every day and I am truly thankful we stayed together. It can happen but it takes a lot of work. My wife had to truly become remorseful and humble for what she had done. She had to learn patience because I was living each day in emotional hell and she inevitably came with me for the ride. I in turn had to learn how to truly forgive. It was not something that came quickly or easily but come it did.

I hope that you both can find your way through this. If I can be of any help do not hesitate to ask. In the end, that is what we are all here for.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> I did not say I placed all the blame on my husband, I am 100% aware that this was all mine doing


No one said that you "placed all the blame" on your husband, but your post did put 1/2 of the blame on your husband for getting the affair started, which is why some of us came down on you so hard. Although you are now saying that "I am 100% aware that this was all mine doing", which is progress, you need to also accept 100% responsibility for the entire affair. Anything less is not true remorse and will not be well received on this board or any other board.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Look at this thread. You will know what being judged is

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/34890-what-else-can-i-do.html

The poster was a wife who cheated on her husband. 
People here will be a bit hostile initially. They will turn around eventually.
Not that I defend being hostile or condone it but I think it is a process here. 
They are not sure if they are helping out a untrustworthy person who is just acting it out


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> This is my wife. You can search my threads for more info. In short she is doing everything I could ask
> to make this right. The advice and help from people on these boards has helped me and Ihope now you can continue to help both of us. We are early in this. NC, full transperancy, and starting counseling in the new year. The love is there, the remorse is there even if you don't see it in her post. I see it everyday. I don't see any other admitted couples on this board so maybe our story from two side will help others as we begin to try and build a new marriage. I love my wife, I forgive my wife. I am extremely hurt and sometimes very angry. I do not trust her and it is very hard for me to believe anything she says. We have a beautiful 5 yr old girl and a handsome 3 yr old boy that are also part of this. We want to heal this family. This is the last chance. Any breech of NC on her part will be divorce. We will share our feelings and experiances with you as we go through this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it's great that you both decided to come to this forum together. I think your wife has good intentions, but she has a lot of work to do yet.

good luck


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Ally, owning your sh!t is paramount on this board. I believe you were manipulated by your boss. You listened to the negative he said about your husband which I am sure made things worse in your marriage. But the way you treated your husband was horrible. You lied, cheated and manipulated him. Right now dinger can't believe a word you say and your mia culpa was weak. You got a little heat here and you bailed after two posts. You say you want to understand what your husband is feeling? Well reading, yes and getting some heat, will help you understand. You say you don't want to be judged? Your husband is judging you (rightly). You don't want to hear others anger? Your husband is angry (rightly). So in exactly what way would you like the betrayed husbands here to express themselves? Do you want to hear about the heart searing pain when he first finds out the mother of his children and love of his life has defiled the bond between you? Or maybe its the emasculating thoughts that he will have as his mind turns over and over, the images of you getting plowed by your boss? Quite possibly doing things with him that you refuse to do with your husband. Maybe the shifting sand of his belief in you and your motivations for staying? Ah Ally, their are so many sides to what your husband is feeling, its like a great poisonous, multi faceted diamond spinning around in his mind. 

Then there is the love that he still has for you. You can be encouraged with that. But if you are serious about understanding your husband, its time for you to put on your big girl panties, suck it up and get to work. Your husband suggested you come on here so you can both seek council. You were strong enough to have the affair, are you strong enough to deal with the results? 

P.S. One thing you need to understand is the BS here are responding to you as if they had their first chance to confront their own wives. It is natural for them to voice their pain through anger to you. There are others who have not responded because their first experience was inconsolable sorrow. And it is humiliating for a man to express himself publicly even on an anonymous board. They also naturally feel cuckolded.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Look at this thread. You will know what being judged is
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/34890-what-else-can-i-do.html
> 
> ...


Yes, working was still in the fog a bit when she came here but chose to stay and work through the hostility she initially received. For sure that wasn't easy but I think not shying away from it allowed her to really see how her husband felt but was unable to verbalize. I think she'll even admit that although she did feel remorse she hadn't really "swallowed her pride" the way she needed to in order to truly convince her husband she wanted to work on their marriage. I may not be stating that as well as I could. Working has been very impressive in her ability to really apply the advice she received on TAM to her own situation as each couple is really unique in the way they handle reconciliation.

Ally, you may be doing the things your husband wants and expects for reconciliation to happen but you need to ask yourself "am I doing these things because he's making me or am I doing them because its the right thing and I want to." If you're only doing them because you're being forced to in your mind then you'll harbor resentment toward your husband and that will not allow you to be in the correct mind frame for true reconciliation. I know sometimes its hard but think of what you'd want and expect if you were in his position.

I think if you stay and interact with the people here on TAM it will go a long way to show your husband that you are really serious about building a new and improved marriage. I'm not saying that you have to be a martyr and accept abuse but I can honestly say that I have not seen one poster on here that has ever abused someone who came for advice whether they were the WS or the BS. They might not like what they hear but sometimes its necessary for true healing to occur. Think of it this way. You have a medical issue and there is a treatment. It won't be pleasant and for a time you'll feel worse but you know if you don't do it you won't get better. Doctors take a Hippocratic Oath to "do no harm." It doesn't say "do no hurt" because sometimes to get better hurts a lot.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> I do feel remorse. I LOVE my husband more than anything. I feel like a complete F-up that does not deserve the love of my husband & children. I have to live with what I have done to my family everyday for the rest of my life. I came on here to try understand how my husband is feeling and find some constructive advice on how to try heal the hurt I have caused, not to get judged, berated or to take shots from ppl that feel the need to project their own relationship anger on someone who joined to try make life better. I wanted to share what I have done, maybe help a few others understand how marriages get to this point. I did not say I placed all the blame on my husband, I am 100% aware that this was all mine doing but I also believe that I married an amazing man who I did take for granted & almost lost to my own selfishness. And I am determined to show him that I am in this all the way, he was Not my fallback guy.I will continue to read on this site but I will refrain posting as I am beating myself up over all this so I don't need a firing squad to help. I wish you all nothing but the best in your own relationships & I know you will see over time thru my husbands posts that we are going to be ok. Have a very Merry Christmas & be safe.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I took a lot of heat here as some people have already said. When I first came on I was a lurker for months, too afraid to post my story as a cheater. I didn't want to get slammed, berated, and looked upon as scum. But once I started to post, and read the responses I was able to fully understand that I was still in denial with a lot of my affair. Yes, I too said I loved my husband and wanted to make things right, but I wasn't sure how to go about it, I felt somewhat blocked at that point. I am a proud person, and to actually show my husband, really show him, would mean that I am at fault for what I have done.

Remember, YOU are at fault for the affair, and yeah, your marriage wasn't perfect, but you still had the choice at that point to work on it, you chose to "escape" and feed your own needs, to make yourself feel better, and this is selfish behavior.

It takes a lot of time to move forward, and you have to do the heavy lifting now. Don't get defensive with what posters say here, they are just being honest with their feelings,and they do want to help you see how your thinking is sometimes flawed.

good luck

L.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok, how is your husband feeling?

1. betrayed in the worst possible way

2. that he will never ever be able to trust you again. you repeatedly tossed him aside for the OM

3. second best. you kept going back to the OM when he called. you lied lied lied all for him. You've shown your husband through repeated conscious choices that he is 2nd best.

4. he's feeling worthless and lost. Like his only role in life is to be there as your roommate and servant and baby sitter for your kids. 

5. he has likely stayed with you not out of love, but out of desperation. he doesn't want to lose his kids, and he feels trapped with a wife who tossed him aside, and who says she loves him, but clearly doesn't based on her actions.

6. unloved and lied to. You once said you loved him (wedding vows) but you tossed him aside to cheated repeatedly. Now the OM tossed you aside, and you came back claiming you now love him. would you believe you or would you just be waiting until the next time you run off?

7. worthless


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

working_together said:


> I took a lot of heat here as some people have already said. When I first came on I was a lurker for months, too afraid to post my story as a cheater. I didn't want to get slammed, berated, and looked upon as scum. But once I started to post, and read the responses I was able to fully understand that I was still in denial with a lot of my affair. Yes, I too said I loved my husband and wanted to make things right, but I wasn't sure how to go about it, I felt somewhat blocked at that point. I am a proud person, and to actually show my husband, really show him, would mean that I am at fault for what I have done.


I'm impressed at your ability to take the "heat" and stayed. 

It's good to see you on this thread helping the OP.


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

Allybabe, best wishes for your marriage.
i am sure u will to get to learn a lot from this forum and share your openions


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Thank you for your posts. Some have been hurtful, some have maybe said a few things I did not want hear but needed to and some have been very helpful. I am very committed to my husband, he will never have to feel this hurt again. Beowulf, what u said about your wife seeing in ur face how you felt that she wished she cud die to take it all back...that is what I feel. When my husband asks any question or I see him just watching me for a moment, my heart squeezes so hard that I'm not sure I can continue to breath. I keep feeling that he Shud hate me, scream & holler at me, tell me over & over that I don't deserve him loving me still. That my kids didnt deserve a mother who was so selfish. I wish every moment that I cud rewind time and re-write the past year. Heck, the last 5 or even 10 years. He has pointed out and stopped me from covering my face when we are talking, cuz I can't look at him or dont want him to see me as "that woman". I know he always will see that woman & all I want to do is try my hardest to make sure he knows that she is gone. I did not come back to him because things didn't work out with the OM, I chose to try heal my marriage, love & respect my husband the way I Shud have always. I want to do anything, everything & more to prove to him this is where I want to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I got to thinking that you need to realize that on days like today he is likely thinking "If the OM had wanted her, she and he would be opening up the presents with the kids, and not me."


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I got to thinking that you need to realize that on days like today he is likely thinking "If the OM had wanted her, she and he would be opening up the presents with the kids, and not me."


Maybe I have worded something wrong but I chose to stop all contact with the other man. I wrote the NC letter & told my boss & coworkers I wud have no contact with him or anyone in his office. 
Yes, he dumped me last spring but it was not me who started texting & expressing regrets not long after. I think had we continued w a relationship then, It wud not have lasted even a month once reality hit. It is tough to explain but we never really talked about how we wud end up together, living in diff towns, or even the matter of whether I could relocate at all, away from my kids or moving then. It was all kinda in the now. No thoughts or talks about a future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I got to thinking that you need to realize that on days like today he is likely thinking "If the OM had wanted her, she and he would be opening up the presents with the kids, and not me."


I did think about what Christmas might have been like but no matter what I would have been opening presents with my kids. The best present I could give them is us all together. It could have been a terrible Christmas but i'm happy I'm laying relaxing beside my wife and our little boy keeps asking for more chocolate "monies". Still lots of work ahead but it's a good day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> I did think about what Christmas might have been like but no matter what I would have been opening presents with my kids. The best present I could give them is us all together. It could have been a terrible Christmas but i'm happy I'm laying relaxing beside my wife and our little boy keeps asking for more chocolate "monies". Still lots of work ahead but it's a good day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you. Last Christmas was very hard for Pidge and I, going through the motions. This year was MUCH better. Merry Christmas dinger.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Good for you. Last Christmas was very hard for Pidge and I, going through the motions. This year was MUCH better. Merry Christmas dinger.


Thank you, I'm glad your having a good day


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Glad to see Ally posting again. She seems contrite and dinger is obviously not lording over her, or trying to punish her. This is encouraging. I think that her and dinger should try journaling to one another. Just one page letters about their feelings. Not so much about the affair but about the qualities (positive) of the other person. I am also encouraged by Ally's thankfulness for her husbands patience and forbearance with her. Maintain strict boundaries, and for a while I would be very deliberate in ensuring that dinger is given more information about your activities. Kind of like light shining in every corner of your marriage. Transparency.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Ok, how is your husband feeling?
> 
> 1. betrayed in the worst possible way
> 
> ...


1. Yes i feel extremely betrayed

2. yes i do not know when i will be able to trust her again or believe what she is telling me

3. i dont feel like her second choice anymore. i definitly did after D-day#1 when the other man dumped Allybabe and i took her back. She could have been with him after D-day #2. He wanted to be with her but she chose to commit to me and meet the conditions i required before she could move home.

4. i do not feel worthless and lost. I am a good man, a good husband and i great father. i have my faults of course but i am confident in who i am.

5. I do love Allybabe. i do not worry about losing my kids. During the seperation( 1 month of her in another house) i had the kids 5 days a week. I would never give this up. I do not feel trapped in this marriage. I chose to stay with my wife and she chose to come back to me. i did feel the desperation at first though. Actually before i found this site and took control of my life back. i owe people on here alot.

6.yes. Unloved and lied to. She needs to continue to prove her love for me through actions and not just words. Part of me is waiting for it to happen again but i dont fear it anymore. 

7. Again i do not feel worthless. i am a strong, loving, good man.



Thankyou for these. They sparked alot of good conversation with my wife.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> "In many ways the hardest thing I had to heal from was not the affair or the sex...it was the dishonesty."


This really rings true for me. Its not the pysical part that is the hardest for me. its the lies. The contstant diet of lies i was recieving. i never imagined that this woman i loved for 14 yrs was capable of doing this. i have told her that it is like she took the memorys of that girl/woman from me or that the woman i loved never exsisted at all. This is the biggest challenge for me. To see which version of Allybabe is the real one. The woman she was for thirteen years or the woman she was for a year.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Have you discussed with your husband how your lover was superior to you husband? What special things you shared with him you know you could never with your husband? How are you getting past the withdrawl from your lover?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> This is my wife. You can search my threads for more info. In short she is doing everything I could ask
> to make this right. The advice and help from people on these boards has helped me and Ihope now you can continue to help both of us. We are early in this. NC, full transperancy, and starting counseling in the new year. The love is there, the remorse is there even if you don't see it in her post. I see it everyday. I don't see any other admitted couples on this board so maybe our story from two side will help others as we begin to try and build a new marriage. I love my wife, I forgive my wife. I am extremely hurt and sometimes very angry. I do not trust her and it is very hard for me to believe anything she says. We have a beautiful 5 yr old girl and a handsome 3 yr old boy that are also part of this. We want to heal this family. This is the last chance. Any breech of NC on her part will be divorce. We will share our feelings and experiances with you as we go through this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's good that both you and your wife are here. Good for you and good for others to read. I hope your wife comes back. It might be hard for her at first. But I think with you and her posting together... perhaps on the same thread... people who back off on the harsh posts to her. So perhaps the two of you can start a thread together?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So it was your husband finally drawing a line and not accepting your cake eating that you started to turn around?

I wish more BS would see how much better this works vs begging.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> This really rings true for me. Its not the pysical part that is the hardest for me. its the lies. The contstant diet of lies i was recieving. i never imagined that this woman i loved for 14 yrs was capable of doing this. i have told her that it is like she took the memorys of that girl/woman from me or that the woman i loved never exsisted at all. This is the biggest challenge for me. To see which version of Allybabe is the real one. The woman she was for thirteen years or the woman she was for a year.


That was my biggest challenge as well. When I looked at my wife I didn't see the woman I married at all. I saw someone that killed my wife and was pretending to be her. It was through much discussion that I came to realize that the woman I married wasn't the one I thought because that women never existed. Even though we had problems in our marriage I always thought my wife was beyond temptation. What I came to see is that NOBODY is beyond temptation and neither the women I thought I married nor the woman that was having the affair were really my wife. She was the woman that ended the affair and owned up to her terrible choices.

This is the woman that not only did everything I asked but went above and beyond to improve herself, our marriage and by extension...me. This is the woman I chose to spend the rest of my life with. This is the woman I respect more than anyone else I know or have ever met. And we have a stronger marriage because I left the innocence behind and grew to love my wife for all that she is, both good and bad. For us it was damned hard but it was worth it.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> So it was your husband finally drawing a line and not accepting your cake eating that you started to turn around?
> 
> I wish more BS would see how much better this works vs begging.


I noticed a change in her when the consiquences of the affair started to sink in. When I first told her to leave she was
still planning on continuing the affair. After she was exposed it was hard for her. She lost her home, lost her kids ( I had them mon-fri) and she was getting s'?$ on from all sides
for what she had done. Then I did a 180 after reading on here. She started to reach out. I was done with limbo at this point. I couldn't handle it anymore. One night when she was over I gave her a choice. Commit to me, our marriage and agree to the things I need to begin again ( NC, Transperancy, etc) or Divorce. She chose me and asked for my forgiveness. I'm not sure when she felt she turned around. Allybabe?

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> That was my biggest challenge as well. When I looked at my wife I didn't see the woman I married at all. I saw someone that killed my wife and was pretending to be her. It was through much discussion that I came to realize that the woman I married wasn't the one I thought because that women never existed. Even though we had problems in our marriage I always thought my wife was beyond temptation. What I came to see is that NOBODY is beyond temptation and neither the women I thought I married nor the woman that was having the affair were really my wife. She was the woman that ended the affair and owned up to her terrible choices.
> 
> This is the woman that not only did everything I asked but went above and beyond to improve herself, our marriage and by extension...me. This is the woman I chose to spend the rest of my life with. This is the woman I respect more than anyone else I know or have ever met. And we have a stronger marriage because I left the innocence behind and grew to love my wife for all that she is, both good and bad. For us it was damned hard but it was worth it.


I thought my wife was beyond temptation as well. Because I thought she would never leave I got lazy in my marriage. I never learned how to
be the husband she needed. I AM NOT taking blame for the affair by saying this. I am taking responsibility for my 50% of the marriage breakdown. I am pretty sure even without the affair we were headed for divorce. After 4 years she had it. I was not happy either but I honestly thought that this was what marriage was like. It wasn't bad but it wasn't good. I learned a lot and have become a better man after D-day 1. She has to become a better wife now. It is her turn to learn what I need as well. I should say though that there is at least one person beyond temptation. That is me  especially now that I have seen what infidelity does to everyone it touches.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> I noticed a change in her when the consiquences of the affair started to sink in. When I first told her to leave she was
> still planning on continuing the affair. After she was exposed it was hard for her. She lost her home, lost her kids ( I had them mon-fri) and she was getting s'?$ on from all sides
> for what she had done. Then I did a 180 after reading on here. She started to reach out. I was done with limbo at this point. I couldn't handle it anymore. One night when she was over I gave her a choice. Commit to me, our marriage and agree to the things I need to begin again ( NC, Transperancy, etc) or Divorce. She chose me and asked for my forgiveness. I'm not sure when she felt she turned around. Allybabe?]
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It takes some time, 2 years or more, until you will get to the point that the affair is put behind you. And the only way to get there is to work together. If you do this you can have a stronger, more passionate marriage than you did before. I wish both of you well on this journey.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And so what consequences has the OM suffered for his apparently very active part in the affair and hurting of the marriage?

- he counseled you on how to work through betraying your husband
- he counseled you on how to deal with getting tossed out and how to get cozier with him
- he no doubt counseled you on how to hide the affair
- he seems to have pursued you at work (as your boss)
- he pursued the relationship even after got remarried!

You said you spoke to your other boss about it, has the OM sufferer anything for his actions? 

Since the OM had his own wife supposedly cheat on him, didn't he feel any remorse for doing it to another marriage another man?


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> It takes some time, 2 years or more, until you will get to the point that the affair is put behind you. And the only way to get there is to work together. If you do this you can have a stronger, more passionate marriage than you did before. I wish both of you well on this journey.


This is scary for both of us to think about. 2+ years of feeling like this. We talk about it and if we're strong enough. Still tears almost everyday in Allybabes eyes. (some happy). Doubts are quickly shutdown though when any talk of what an alternative life would be like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

I don't know if I should continue in this thread or start another. I want to ask about boundaries. Allybabe is an attractive woman that works in a mans industry. She is constantly having to deal with married and single men to do her job. There is also constant texting and emailing with these customers. Some of it gets personnel and some almost flirty. One man even wrote her a love letter that she showed me. I have told her anything but business text I don't feel comfortable with and can easily be misunderstood on the other end if you add a wink or a smile to a sales pitch. She needs to set up boundaries to protect our marriage and to protect the marriages of the men she does business with. Any Advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> I don't know if I should continue in this thread or start another. I want to ask about boundaries. Allybabe is an attractive woman that works in a mans industry. She is constantly having to deal with married and single men to do her job. There is also constant texting and emailing with these customers. Some of it gets personnel and some almost flirty. One man even wrote her a love letter that she showed me. I have told her anything but business text I don't feel comfortable with and can easily be misunderstood on the other end if you add a wink or a smile to a sales pitch. She needs to set up boundaries to protect our marriage and to protect the marriages of the men she does business with. Any Advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She should be sending out the message that non-business stuff is 100% off limits to all men.

I've worked with women extensively during my career and there is never ever any time it is acceptable to cross the line in person, text, or email. Even at dinners conversation can be about American Idol, not hey those are nice eyes you have my dear.

Her letting these OM hear her talk about you in a very positve way let's them know she is taken, and they should forget any other ideas.

When they try fishing, she needs to immediately shut the down, with "sorry, but we're not going there."


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Purchase and read Dr Shirley Glass' book titled *NOT "Just Friends*.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Thank you Elegirl. It is going to be a steep road but I believe we can climb it together. 

Shaggy.... I am not sure what consequences the OM has now, other than he was cut out of my life completely & "dumped", which i have no idea how bad that really is. He definately did all those things you said but when I think about it looking back I was in the fog but was starting to see thru it. I began to see his manipulation. 
When u ask about his remorse while it was going on, there was moments that I wud bring it up to him that we were doing exactly the same thing that his xw did to him & he hated her for it. Somehow he wud talk a big circle saying that it was different because "we were in love". I wud be upset about what I was putting Dinger & the kids thru and the OM wud tell me over n over that it wud be better in the long run. "is it better for kids to be in an unhappy family or with Seperated but happy parents". It didn't seem to phase him when I wud be crying cuz my 5yo was hysterical when I left. Now it inferiates me that I cud listen to that and not see what was wrong with it. 
I do hope his BW didn't go back to him & he is all alone but I am pretty certain she wud take him back cuz he is a really good talker. She is about as smart as a sack of hammers & as useful as tits on a boar! That may sound harsh but she too works for the company as admin & she cannot do the simplest things right. She may have already quit & if not, she will leave in March when he does. If they did stay apart proceeding w a divorce, he wud be paying her about 2.3million dollars. That I think he wudnt want to give up, he has no screwples so he wud talk some big talk to keep her. Even as dense as I see her to be, she didn't deserve any of this either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> Purchase and read Dr Shirley Glass' book titled *NOT "Just Friends*.


Absolutely!!! I couldn't put enough :iagree: for this. The book deals extremely well with workplace affairs, workplace flirting and setting boundaries. If she wouldn't say something to a woman she met at church she should not say it to a business colleague or customer.

And dinger, Shaggy is right, if you haven't outed the OM yet and you feel that you want to it should be done. It is common for a WW to protect the OM even after the affair is over due to left over feelings. That shouldn't stand in the way of you rebuilding your self respect. It will also crystallize the end of the affair in the minds of both of you. If you're ok with how things ended then so be it but be honest with yourself and your W.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> Thank you Elegirl. It is going to be a steep road but I believe we can climb it together.
> 
> Shaggy.... I am not sure what consequences the OM has now, other than he was cut out of my life completely & "dumped", which i have no idea how bad that really is. He definately did all those things you said but when I think about it looking back I was in the fog but was starting to see thru it. I began to see his manipulation.
> When u ask about his remorse while it was going on, there was moments that I wud bring it up to him that we were doing exactly the same thing that his xw did to him & he hated her for it. Somehow he wud talk a big circle saying that it was different because "we were in love". I wud be upset about what I was putting Dinger & the kids thru and the OM wud tell me over n over that it wud be better in the long run. "is it better for kids to be in an unhappy family or with Seperated but happy parents". It didn't seem to phase him when I wud be crying cuz my 5yo was hysterical when I left. Now it inferiates me that I cud listen to that and not see what was wrong with it.
> ...


I've always advocated a scorched earth policy when it comes to outing the AP. Did you expose it to his friends, other colleagues, Facebook contacts, his family, etc? I don't look at it like some do here in that it is a revenge scenario. I look at it like making sure that bridge is not only burned but bulldozed as well. Your marriage and family is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in your life. More than your job, more than your friends and certainly more than the OM. I sense from your posts that you understand that but you should make sure that you have left no stone unturned in regards to severing all ties to that POS. He DID manipulate you and while you are 100% to blame for going down that road, the OM certainly made sure to divert traffic so your travel would be unimpeded. BURN HIM!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> Thank you Elegirl. It is going to be a steep road but I believe we can climb it together.
> 
> Shaggy.... I am not sure what consequences the OM has now, other than he was cut out of my life completely & "dumped", which i have no idea how bad that really is. He definately did all those things you said but when I think about it looking back I was in the fog but was starting to see thru it. I began to see his manipulation.
> When u ask about his remorse while it was going on, there was moments that I wud bring it up to him that we were doing exactly the same thing that his xw did to him & he hated her for it. Somehow he wud talk a big circle saying that it was different because "we were in love". I wud be upset about what I was putting Dinger & the kids thru and the OM wud tell me over n over that it wud be better in the long run. "is it better for kids to be in an unhappy family or with Seperated but happy parents". It didn't seem to phase him when I wud be crying cuz my 5yo was hysterical when I left. Now it inferiates me that I cud listen to that and not see what was wrong with it.
> ...





Beowulf said:


> And dinger, Shaggy is right, if you haven't outed the OM yet and you feel that you want to it should be done.* It is common for a WW to protect the OM even after the affair is over due to left over feelings.* That shouldn't stand in the way of you rebuilding your self respect. It will also crystallize the end of the affair in the minds of both of you. If you're ok with how things ended then so be it but be honest with yourself and your W.



And that's what she, Allybabe, just did in her quote above. Interesting!


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

I am happy with how it ended. If wife knows everything I know. Myself and the OMW were in contact for a while after D-day 2 but I ended contact. I still have her contact info if I need it. She is a messed up woman and I don't want the OM or the OMW in my life. I became infuriated with her in our last conversation because of something she said. She said that when she found out about the PA that she told the OM that if he wanted to be with Allybabe untill he "got it out of his system" that she would wait for him. I tried to tell her how f$&@ed up that was but she wouldn't listen. I think it says a lot on how manipulative the OM is. They deserve each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> I am happy with how it ended. If wife knows everything I know. Myself and the OMW were in contact for a while after D-day 2 but I ended contact. I still have her contact info if I need it. She is a messed up woman and I don't want the OM or the OMW in my life. I became infuriated with her in our last conversation because of something she said. She said that when she found out about the PA that she told the OM that if he wanted to be with Allybabe untill he "got it out of his system" that she would wait for him. I tried to tell her how f$&@ed up that was but she wouldn't listen. I think it says a lot on how manipulative the OM is. They deserve each other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or, maybe she's smart enough to firm up that 2.3 million in payout.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> It takes some time, 2 years or more, until you will get to the point that the affair is put behind you. And the only way to get there is to work together. If you do this you can have a stronger, more passionate marriage than you did before. I wish both of you well on this journey.


I agree. The memory will always remain but in the future it can serve as a warning and a reminder to stay close and be honest with each other. Be strong for each other and your children. Be honest and always say what you are thinking and feeling. When your spouse shares something with you take it all in and don't react negatively or else it will interfere with communication. I know it's an older book but one that has helped us to communicate better is "The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. It's a short book but it really helped us.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

aug said:


> And that's what she, Allybabe, just did in her quote above. Interesting!


How so? I don't see it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

aug said:


> Or, maybe she's smart enough to firm up that 2.3 million in payout.


I thought of that to. Maybe she is smarter than all of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

I don't understand how what I wrote was "protecting him". Calling her dumb was a point to if she was weak & went back. Regardless of her intelligence, she didn't deserve to be treated as she has & for him, he Shud be Alone! So he can stop manipulating and hurting ppl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

aug said:


> And that's what she, Allybabe, just did in her quote above. Interesting!


Yeah, I saw that too. I think she's still weaning herself off the A and the OM, similar to working when she first starting posting. I think dinger knows this as well. He's been on here long enough to recognize this and he certainly seems like he's got it together and can guide her through this. That's why I asked him if he was satisfied with how it ended because if not he shouldn't wait for months to deal with it like working's H did. It will slow down their R. But he says he's ok with it and ultimately it's his feelings on this that matter most.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> I don't understand how what I wrote was "protecting him". Calling her dumb was a point to if she was weak & went back. Regardless of her intelligence, she didn't deserve to be treated as she has & for him, he Shud be Alone! So he can stop manipulating and hurting ppl.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Until you see that you did the same to Dinger all is lost. Do you see him as weak for going back to you?


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

The only thing I saw was that she seems to still think of OMW as competition. She disagrees.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

I should say that Allybabe and I talk about every post and comment in these threads. We do not just talk through these threads. Everyone's comments have been great, even the hurtful ones have been helpful in starting dialog that may not have come up any other way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> I don't understand how what I wrote was "protecting him". Calling her dumb was a point to if she was weak & went back. Regardless of her intelligence, she didn't deserve to be treated as she has & for him, he Shud be Alone! So he can stop manipulating and hurting ppl.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You said he's manipulative and a great talker. In other words he's charming right?

You said his wife is as dumb as a bag of hammers for buying his [email protected] So then you must be as well right?

You said his wife is dense for taking him back. Is dinger dense for taking you back?

These are the things that jumped out at me but I'm sure others will recognize different aspects of your posts. I'm not trying to hammer you here but these things are indicative of a lingering emotional attachment and a defense mechanism for your behavior during the affair.

IT'S OK!

This is part of the process. Other WS have gone through the exact same thing. In a few months you'll look back at your first posts and give yourself a face palm. You sound like a very intelligent and confident woman. It's hard for your mind to accept that you fell for this POS line of [email protected] We're all vulnerable at various points in our lives. You just got caught in a weak moment and your boundaries seem to be a little shaky anyway. We're not born with this innate knowledge and they certainly don't teach it in college. It's something you have to learn by self teaching and by (unfortunately) experience. Your intelligence and your love for dinger will get you through this difficult period.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> Have you discussed with your husband how your lover was superior to you husband? What special things you shared with him you know you could never with your husband? How are you getting past the withdrawl from your lover?


Really??? That seems counter-productive. Did your wife have a similar conversation with you...is that where your bitterness comes into play?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> The only thing I saw was that she seems to still think of OMW as competition. She disagrees.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, you're right. It's a very common aftereffect and will pass. Biologically speaking women will find another man more attractive if other women are interested in him. That is why married men are sometimes more attractive to a woman than single ones. If a woman walks in a bar and sees a man surrounded by women he will immediately pique her interest. Athol Kay's entire MAP theory revolves around this concept. She says no because she doesn't want to compare herself consciously with the OMW. But it's part of attraction and cannot be controlled consciously. Like I said it will pass.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Until you see that you did the same to Dinger all is lost. Do you see him as weak for going back to you?


I see myself as weak for not being strong enuf to resist temptation. I see dinger as incredibly strong for loving more than anything on earth & for helping me understand how I allowed myself to hurt so many people n be blind to what I had become.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Mrs. T said:


> Really??? That seems counter-productive. Did your wife have a similar conversation with you...is that where your bitterness comes into play?


I agree that wud be counter-productive. And at this point there is not one thing that wud say the OM was superior so nothing to discuss. 
We have gone thru everything that at the time I was convinced was better but the OM was Far Far Far from superior to Dinger. I think my heart knew that but my head refused to listen. I have no doubt at all who the better man in this equation is, I'm just sorry it took this to truly see it. Dinger is an amazing father, a strong loving compassionate husband & I hope our son grows up to be as his father is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> I agree that wud be counter-productive. And at this point there is not one thing that wud say the OM was superior so nothing to discuss.
> We have gone thru everything that at the time I was convinced was better but the OM was Far Far Far from superior to Dinger. I think my heart knew that but my head refused to listen. I have no doubt at all who the better man in this equation is, I'm just sorry it took this to truly see it. Dinger is an amazing father, a strong loving compassionate husband & I hope our son grows up to be as his father is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Outstanding. Now, treat everyday you have with him as a gift.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> I agree that wud be counter-productive. And at this point there is not one thing that wud say the OM was superior so nothing to discuss.
> We have gone thru everything that at the time I was convinced was better but the OM was Far Far Far from superior to Dinger. I think my heart knew that but my head refused to listen. I have no doubt at all who the better man in this equation is, I'm just sorry it took this to truly see it. Dinger is an amazing father, a strong loving compassionate husband & I hope our son grows up to be as his father is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe that the two of you will have a much stronger marriage after this. You are, I am sure, getting to know more about each other then you wever knew before. Not only some of the bad, some of the weaknesses but also the strength, what makes you both tick, etc. As you learn the weaknesses work together to find ways to protect the vulneral person from their own weakness. This will then protect you both from things like future affairs and other things distructive to your marriage.

I don't want to read back to past posts. So forgive me if you are already doing this.. my suggestion is that you get the books in my signature block below about creating a passionate marriage. Start with "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them together. My husband and I took turns reading chapters of the books together. Then we discussed and did the work they suggest... together.

This will do a lot to get you past the affair quickly and build some real strength and passion into your marriage.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Was looking through Allybabes work phone today snooping. Found nothing. Tell myself I'm looking for new stuff but end up searching emails, texts, folders, emails etc. looking for stuff from when the PA was going on. Everything has been deleted at my request because I do not want to read the details over and over. I still keep looking for old stuff. Why I don't know. Looking for inconsistantsys in her story? Maybe. Looking to pick a fight over stupid things like was this picture of your profile for me or him? Maybe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

We are going to see some friends together for the first time since d-day 2. We have mostly just spent time with immidiate family. We have kinda been anti-social because neither one of us want to answer all the questions I'm sure we're gonna get. Gotta get back into things sooner or later though. This couple never really took
sides so it should be ok. Will be tuff when we start seeing some of the friends that did take sides.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just remember this other life style that Ally took also has friends and enablers. So make the changes and make new friends.

Just like the new job has helped so should the fact that new friendships should be started and old one be terminated.

The focus is healthy behaviors and healthy marriage, find the things that cultivate that, and leave the ones that don't behind.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Forgot the most part i had completely shut my friends out of my life since day one of the affair. My best friend who has seen me through ups & down since grade school didn't even know. When I finally told her after d-day 1, she went from furious, almost punching a hole in the wall to sobbing tears cuz she she said she was so disappointed in me. She said she didn't know who I was cuz I wasn't the same one who she stood next as our vows were said. Only 1 friend of mine has be negative on dinger for a long time so I have cut her out. I am worried how his friends will act to me because on has already cold shrugged me. I said hello in the grocery store & he starred right thru me and walked away. I am prepared for some choice words the next time the guys get together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> Forgot the most part i had completely shut my friends out of my life since day one of the affair. My best friend who has seen me through ups & down since grade school didn't even know. When I finally told her after d-day 1, she went from furious, almost punching a hole in the wall to sobbing tears cuz she she said she was so disappointed in me. She said she didn't know who I was cuz I wasn't the same one who she stood next as our vows were said. Only 1 friend of mine has be negative on dinger for a long time so I have cut her out. I am worried how his friends will act to me because on has already cold shrugged me. I said hello in the grocery store & he starred right thru me and walked away. I am prepared for some choice words the next time the guys get together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then head it off by dealing with it up front. When they get together, go together and YOU look them directly and come clean, and tell them that you've screwed up beyond belief, but now you're trying to fix it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You and ding need to stay away from those friends that will have a negitive impact on a alreadt fragile marriage.

So trust me when I say give the both of you more time in being reclusive and inclusive with each other. Those friends will see this and if they a positive to the dynamics of your marriage then they will see that it is not there place to say anything.

So often we lean on our friends when we should be leaning on our spouse during such a fragile time in the marriage. So give it time and lay off on the socializing. Once everyone sees the recommittment in the marriage they will figure it out that they have no say in it.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> We are going to see some friends together for the first time since d-day 2. We have mostly just spent time with immidiate family. We have kinda been anti-social because neither one of us want to answer all the questions I'm sure we're gonna get. Gotta get back into things sooner or later though. This couple never really took
> sides so it should be ok. Will be tuff when we start seeing some of the friends that did take sides.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If they ask a simple " I really don't want to talk about that" is in order.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Give it more time before socializing and your actions will speak for them selves when they see the two of you working it out.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> Forgot the most part i had completely shut my friends out of my life since day one of the affair. My best friend who has seen me through ups & down since grade school didn't even know. When I finally told her after d-day 1, she went from furious, almost punching a hole in the wall to sobbing tears cuz she she said she was so disappointed in me. She said she didn't know who I was cuz I wasn't the same one who she stood next as our vows were said. Only 1 friend of mine has be negative on dinger for a long time so I have cut her out. I am worried how his friends will act to me because on has already cold shrugged me. I said hello in the grocery store & he starred right thru me and walked away. I am prepared for some choice words the next time the guys get together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It will be hard for dinger's friends who saw the pain he went through to accept that you are back with him. Just like your friend reacted, his friends will react in different ways also. Most will not believe he is giving you a second chance after what has happened. Most of his friends are going to treat you with coldness at first. His true friends will accept his decision. They will come around in time.

But, from what I have seen in your husband's post's, he is a man of high character and stability who loves you very much. If a "friend" cannot support his decisions, I have no doubt he will not regard them as "friends" and will no longer associate with them.

You are a very lucky woman - don't blow it.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> It will be hard for dinger's friends who saw the pain he went through to accept that you are back with him. Just like your friend reacted, his friends will react in different ways also. Most will not believe he is giving you a second chance after what has happened. Most of his friends are going to treat you with coldness at first. His true friends will accept his decision. They will come around in time.
> 
> But, from what I have seen in your husband's post's, he is a man of high character and stability who loves you very much. If a "friend" cannot support his decisions, I have no doubt he will not regard them as "friends" and will no longer associate with them.
> 
> You are a very lucky woman - don't blow it.


This is exactly how I feel. Many different relatives and friends expressed many different emotions and opinions on our "situation". In the end it is my life and my decision. I can't make anybody forgive Allybabe or like her but if they are my friends they will show her respect. I'm sure every guy has friends or relatives that he doesn't like Thier wife. But you don't show it if you want to be the husbands friend. You just smile and be polite. That's the minimum I expect from my friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Going through Allybabes phone yesterday and looking at pictures. There are lots of pics on there that I have seen but there ate some self shots that weren't sent to me and I know they were for him. As I have the phone I start asking her what photos were sent to him so I could delete them. They are innocent enough pics but to me there dirty. Find 2 self pics with my children. One with Allybabe and my 5 yr old girl and one with Allybabe and my 3yr old boy. She never sent them to me. I asked and she said she sent them to the other man when she was moved out of our home at the end of the PA. The dates on the pics support this. We talked about it when I found the pictures and I thought I was done with it. Untill this afternoon. Allybabe is at work and I'm off untill the new year and at home with the kids. It's eating me up. She posed and took pictures of herself and my kids to send to the OM. As if it's wasn't bad enough sending pics of herself but my babies to. To me it's like saying "here you can have me and my kids"! Blows me away the things she could justify when she was in the fog. Now the OM is out there somewhere, pissed off because he got dumped walking around with pictures of my family on his phone. 

Sorry I didn't talk to you before I posted this Allybabe but we said we would be honest on TAM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> Going through Allybabes phone yesterday and looking at pictures. There are lots of pics on there that I have seen but there ate some self shots that weren't sent to me and I know they were for him. As I have the phone I start asking her what photos were sent to him so I could delete them. They are innocent enough pics but to me there dirty. Find 2 self pics with my children. One with Allybabe and my 5 yr old girl and one with Allybabe and my 3yr old boy. She never sent them to me. I asked and she said she sent them to the other man when she was moved out of our home at the end of the PA. The dates on the pics support this. We talked about it when I found the pictures and I thought I was done with it. Untill this afternoon. Allybabe is at work and I'm off untill the new year and at home with the kids. It's eating me up. She posed and took pictures of herself and my kids to send to the OM. As if it's wasn't bad enough sending pics of herself but my babies to. To me it's like saying "here you can have me and my kids"! Blows me away the things she could justify when she was in the fog. Now the OM is out there somewhere, pissed off because he got dumped walking around with pictures of my family on his phone.
> 
> Sorry I didn't talk to you before I posted this Allybabe but we said we would be honest on TAM.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No disrespect intended for you.

But i think it would be wise to stay out of your Wife´s thread.
That way she has her own outlet.
Again no offence.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

I can understand where he is coming from with this but I am not sure how to proceed with it. Should I delete every picture from that time and start fresh? I have offered to scrub them and when asked which I sent I was honest and up front. So I guess i am wondering what other BS would want in this situation?

As for the OM walking around with pics of myself and 2 pics of our children in his phone, I am very confident that they are long deleted if not by him, then by his BW. I have no way to guarentee that so I dont know what to say or do to make Dinger feel better other than deleting anything during that time. Including the ones I sent to Dinger and others in my family. Block that entire time out cuz he says the entire EA/PA has tainted every memory in the last 10 months.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Might be time to either start a notebook/journal Dinger. Write your questions there for Allybabe to answer within a day then discuss. Then again you might just need to determine where you draw the line on what you need to know as opposed to what you want to know and then see if it's worth the need or want or if it even matters toward your recovery. 

Good luck to you both and keep the lines of open & honest communication with each other. Let nothing linger overnight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> No disrespect intended for you.
> 
> But i think it would be wise to stay out of your Wife´s thread.
> That way she has her own outlet.
> Again no offence.


Point taken and undersrood
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> Might be time to either start a notebook/journal Dinger. Write your questions there for Allybabe to answer within a day then discuss. Then again you might just need to determine where you draw the line on what you need to know as opposed to what you want to know and then see if it's worth the need or want or if it even matters toward your recovery.
> 
> Good luck to you both and keep the lines of open & honest communication with each other. Let nothing linger overnight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do try and save the discussion untill our evening chats. She is good about asking me how I'm feeling and if there is anything i want to talk about. I think I've learned to save my questions for this time. We have both said if we feel the need to vent before our talks then TAM is a good place to do it I'd the other spouse is at work. We both need to focus on our jobs when we're at work. We haven't been very productive lately for obvious reasons and our employers have been patient but we have to minimize distractions at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> Point taken and undersrood
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does she mind if you post here? If not I don't see a problem. It also keeps hers and your questions in one place so they are answered easier.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

No she does not mind. That's my thinking to. All the info is in one place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Does she mind if you post here? If not I don't see a problem. It also keeps hers and your questions in one place so they are answered easier.


The point is

That both ,Ally and Dinger can ask us all
questions with out interference from each other .

the can ask and respond to all questions they might have 
among them self´s .The dont need any of us for that.

The importent thing is here is that Ally,can ask and receive
impartial advice. And thus not have the impression that TAM

is "Tayloring" responses to benefit Dinger.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> The point is
> 
> That both ,Ally and Dinger can ask us all
> questions with out interference from each other .
> ...


:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> The point is
> 
> That both ,Ally and Dinger can ask us all
> questions with out interference from each other .
> ...


As far as impartial goes.... Most of the posters in this thread have been through something similar so like it or not the sympathy is going to swing to the LS more times then not. Just the way it is here. Dinger, you have a thread don't you?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> As far as impartial goes.... Most of the posters in this thread have been through something similar so like it or not the sympathy is going to swing to the LS more times then not..*Exactly the point*. *Still confused?* Just the way it is here. Dinger, you have a thread don't you?


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

I am going to agree with Jonesey & pidge that some threads may be more candid with replies if we keep ours seperate. I am glad that we can have open & frank discussions on here but I know there will be times when I'm having a rough day & I will post on TAM without the immediate thought being that Dinger will be the 1st to reply. Just as dinger created his thread about bad days. I Will create another when or if I feel the need then. I will not post on his as our bad days will be different & some things said are for others to respond to & not the other spouse before it is discussed. As for this thread I am ok with what it has evolved into & I am glad dinger can put a MSG on here to say something to me & others when it is bothering him if i am not available, ie im at work or he is or just not available to discuss but we need a vent. 
I ffeel like this is "our" thread now. I really do appreciate everyone's words, suggestions & input on here & I am very glad dinger encouraged me to join. It is helping a great deal. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> As far as impartial goes.... Most of the posters in this thread have been through something similar so like it or not the sympathy is going to swing to the LS more times then not. Just the way it is here. Dinger, you have a thread don't you?


A few. My side of the story is kinda scattered throughout various threads.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

As a person who's in this exact position- as a friend of the BS- I want to chime in. Although I respect my friends' decision to "work it out," I don't feel compelled to be friends with his WS. Sure we used to all get along great, but now its different. I wouldn't snub her in any way, but I wouldn't go out of my way to be "overly" nice to her, either. Sorry.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I think its more that its hard for husbands to let their wives hang out or GNO with a cheater. I can imagine my wife asking for a GNO with a cheater. Two chances there, slim and none. So this has effects outside of the marriage as well.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> I can understand where he is coming from with this but I am not sure how to proceed with it. Should I delete every picture from that time and start fresh? I have offered to scrub them and when asked which I sent I was honest and up front. So I guess i am wondering what other BS would want in this situation?
> 
> As for the OM walking around with pics of myself and 2 pics of our children in his phone, I am very confident that they are long deleted if not by him, then by his BW. I have no way to guarentee that so I dont know what to say or do to make Dinger feel better other than deleting anything during that time. Including the ones I sent to Dinger and others in my family. Block that entire time out cuz he says the entire EA/PA has tainted every memory in the last 10 months.


Ally,

This might give you a clue as to how a BS thinks. Many years ago my W was given a very expensive ring by one of her AP. After we were well on our way to R she brought all the things she could think of to the living room so we could decide get rid of them. I knew about the ring and it was not there. I asked about it and she said she thought she should sell it and then take the money and buy me something. I told her that I would consider anything I received to have been purchased with "blood money" and I didn't want that. She asked me what I wanted her to do with it and I told her to destroy it. She said "do you know how much that ring is worth?" I asked her how much our marriage was worth? My wife looked down at the floor and said "I never realized how things trigger you that much." She took a pair of wire cutters and cut the ring up into small bits and threw it in the garbage. BTW, the ring was worth several thousand dollars.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> I refused to see him until I was sure he was done w her.


So you planned on still seeing him AFTER your H took you back and forgave you? Wow. I think its safe to say he gave that forgiveness WAY too quickly.




> Then she phoned my LH. He told me to get out. I packed my bags, upset but being encouraged by the OM that we wud get thru it & be together.
> I was really struggling, on the cusp of losing my kids, my entire family was coming down hard on me (understandably cuz what was doing was stupid). My LH was furious but I knew he loved me more than anything and I started seeing him different.


So basically he forgave you twice, knowing that you actually were his 2nd choice? Because its clear if the OM would have left his CLW to be with you, your marriage would be history.

Only reason you are back with your husband is because you came back to him more than once because the OM ended it with you.




> He had been responsible for 50% of the 1st round but he had done nothing but work his hardest to make us better.


Correction. He is responsible for 50% of the state of your marriage. He is NOT responsible for your decision to cheat and not responsible for you putting him 2nd until you figured out what the OM's intentions were.




> So now my life is an open book w my LH and I am honestly going to do anything & everything I can to show my husband I love him, what I did was wrong and that *we can grow through this.*
> I know our marriage will ever be the same but I am committed to make it something better than it ever could have been, us knowing where it broke down in the 1st place.*So now with NC, me doing anything & everything each day to show my husband I do love him & I am never going to hurt him as I have up until now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to thank your lucky stars you have your husband. Not many men would put up with what you have done.

So you are willing to do whatever it takes to show him he is more important to you now. 
So let me ask you a hypothetical question. What if you said you were going on a girls night out some Saturday and he said "absolutely not, I can see that would be nothing but trouble" would you honor his wishes?


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> It will be hard for dinger's friends who saw the pain he went through to accept that you are back with him. Just like your friend reacted, his friends will react in different ways also.


I agree with this completely. Especially after going through my own divorce, I ended up playing counselor to a buddy of mine with a cheating wife. I told him that he has to do what he thinks he has to do, but that I didn't want to be around her after that. So that if we were to ever hang out, it would have to be without her. I'd be scared what I'd say if we all hung out as a group and I had a little to drink.




> Most will not believe he is giving you a second chance after what has happened.


He actually gave her a 3rd chance, and from the timeline of the story, maybe even a 4th.




> Most of his friends are going to treat you with coldness at first. His true friends will accept his decision. They will come around in time.


A true friend will accept his decision, but still doesn't have to accept her.




> But, from what I have seen in your husband's post's, he is a man of high character and stability who loves you very much. If a "friend" cannot support his decisions, I have no doubt he will not regard them as "friends" and will no longer associate with them.



Again, I supported my friend and would always be there for him. Still doesn't mean I have to respect a woman that cheated on him several times.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> So you planned on still seeing him AFTER your H took you back and forgave you? Wow. I think its safe to say he gave that forgiveness WAY too quickly.
> 
> *Did you read this entire post and Thread?
> 
> ...


Why would he say "absolutely not, I can see that would be nothing but trouble"? I know you do not know him but I believe he would simply say he is not comfortable with it or depending on who I was going out with he would probably not have an issue with it. He knows all my friends and the ones that have not been "positive" to our relationship are not a part of my life anymore. I did not have an affair on a girls nite out, I had it in my everyday life, at my job and he hasnt asked me to quit. (I offered). I think us growing from this will be a tough road but if we are both honestly commited to it and understand what got us where we are then we will be okay.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> I agree with this completely. Especially after going through my own divorce, I ended up playing counselor to a buddy of mine with a cheating wife. I told him that he has to do what he thinks he has to do, but that I didn't want to be around her after that. So that if we were to ever hang out, it would have to be without her. I'd be scared what I'd say if we all hung out as a group and I had a little to drink.
> 
> I agree that maybe this is how his friends feel.
> 
> ...


I am sure through all thru this our circle of friends will change, they already have some. We only expect his friends or mine to respect him, I have to earn that back with them. BUT part of respecting him is respecting his wish for his friends to at least be polite to me. 

Thank you for all your words on here Dexter Morgan, this is a great place to share words and see responses. It puts things in different perspective when you can see it how others do. I really do hope you find someone to love as much as my husband loves me.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> *Did you read this entire post and Thread?


Yes, I did.




> You dont quite have the timeline in the correct order. The 2nd time I broke it off with the OM and chose to love my husband and make our marriage work. Yes, he was "my second choice" the 1st time but now he is my only choice.


Timeline correct or not, you still were in contact with OM with an idea there still might be something with him AFTER your husband forgave you the first time. That part of the timeline is not in dispute.




> The OM ended it with me the 1st time. I ended it the 2nd time, and the OM was NOT happy about it. He got mad, he begged, he offered anything to have me but I DID NOT WANT HIM. I WANT MY HUSBAND AND MY FAMILY I HAVE.



Your husband forgave you once. After this forgiveness and the 2nd chance, you went back to canoodeling with the OM. You were, at that time, seeing if there was something there. Yes, you ended it, but only after OM wasn't going to swing your way.

So your H was your 2nd choice. You chose him because the OM wasn't going to be available to you. His hysterical antics after you ended it are irrelevant. 




> I do thank my lucky stars every friggin' minute of every day in the past month and I plan to continue for the rest of my life. You are right, not many men would "put up" with all I have put my family through but that is also why I am not with "many other men". I am with my husband. The man I fell in love with when I was 17yrs old, the man I had 2 beautiful babies with and the man that is teaching me how to love and be a better woman than I have ever been. A strong, loving, forgiving, amazing man.



And thats all very good. But do not think that a man that won't forgive this kind of thing isn't a great man. Not putting up with such disrespect does not make a man any less great.

So now that it is supposedly over, hopefully you won't make a fool out of him again.








> Why would he say "absolutely not, I can see that would be nothing but trouble"?


I'm not saying that he did, but nobody could blame him if he did say this. Just asking a hypothetical to see if you truly will do whatever it takes to make it up to him.




> I know you do not know him but I believe he would simply say he is not comfortable with it or depending on who I was going out with he would probably not have an issue with it.


Ok, however you want to word it. The sentiment is the same.




> He knows all my friends and the ones that have not been "positive" to our relationship are not a part of my life anymore.


Thats good.




> I did not have an affair on a girls nite out, I had it in my everyday life, at my job and he hasnt asked me to quit. (I offered).


I understand that. But once someone is found out to be a cheater, however it may have happened, then other activities start to not sit well with the betrayed spouse.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> Thank you for all your words on here Dexter Morgan, this is a great place to share words and see responses. It puts things in different perspective when you can see it how others do. I really do hope you find someone to love as much as my husband loves me.


No problem for the words, and plain and to the point my style is

As far as finding someone to love, nah. I'm done with that. Never again. I still support the idea of marriage and love, but for me, its now something I can do without.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Ally,
> 
> This might give you a clue as to how a BS thinks. Many years ago my W was given a very expensive ring by one of her AP. After we were well on our way to R she brought all the things she could think of to the living room so we could decide get rid of them. I knew about the ring and it was not there. I asked about it and she said she thought she should sell it and then take the money and buy me something. I told her that I would consider anything I received to have been purchased with "blood money" and I didn't want that. She asked me what I wanted her to do with it and I told her to destroy it. She said "do you know how much that ring is worth?" I asked her how much our marriage was worth? My wife looked down at the floor and said "I never realized how things trigger you that much." She took a pair of wire cutters and cut the ring up into small bits and threw it in the garbage. BTW, the ring was worth several thousand dollars.


I really get the trigger, but wow, my initial reaction would be to sell it and pay off some bills, that's because in my house money is tight. Good for her to do it though.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

working_together said:


> I really get the trigger, but wow, my initial reaction would be to sell it and pay off some bills, that's because in my house money is tight. Good for her to do it though.


That was what she said as well but I saw that ring as proceeds from prostitution. That's the only way I could describe it. I would rather lose everything we own via bankruptcy than profit from her affair. When I explained to her how intensely I really felt she had no problem destroying it.

Edit: What was that movie with Demi Moore, Robert Redford and Woody Harrelson where he offered them a huge sum of money for one night with her and it destroyed them?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> That was what she said as well but I saw that ring as proceeds from prostitution. That's the only way I could describe it. I would rather lose everything we own via bankruptcy than profit from her affair. When I explained to her how intensely I really felt she had no problem destroying it.
> 
> Edit: What was that movie with Demi Moore, Robert Redford and Woody Harrelson where he offered them a huge sum of money for one night with her and it destroyed them?


Indecent Proposal
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Indecent Proposal
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's it! Thanks Pidge


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