# How to act



## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

posted here a few times...

long story short...been rocky for going on 3 years now. Mostly it had to do with financial issues which are now starting to fade. But in our many arguments and talks told me isn't attracted to me, she thinks i'm not a go getter, i sicken her...etc etc. Some normal fight stuff others very hurtful.

The reality is since our finances went south...i have worked very hard to get back on track. I am self employed and she would prefer i get a "real" job. Thing is i can make more money in self employment. My timeline to get back on track has not been straight up but slowly but surely i am taking care of things.

She has a teaching job that pays in a year what i make in a month...before i get flamed..i do applaud her for having that job but its the old what mine is mine and what's his is ours. She makes no effort to help me out when i have been squeezed but i feel all the pressure of taking care of everything.

Fast forward to our last round of fighting...besides usual financial stuff...one big issue was sex...one morning we had sex and when i asked if she wanted to have it she said not really.. I know no means no but not really was her defacto response. So we did and she let me. Weeks later she said that was a test and that i should have stopped. married 17 years and i'm supposed to know this how? She has said not really before and we did.

Anyway, a few weeks back she saw a lawyer and hid this fact from me...even though i kinda knew. She copped to it in a fight. She said it was just to see for herself what the deal would be because i had threatened to see a lawyer myself but never did. 

I chewed that for a day or 2 then went back to her and told her if a divorce will make her happy then i can't stop her. She said she can't look me in the eye and say she wants a divorce.

Since then our is almost none existent...except for the normal business of running a house and taking care of kids. 

Nearly everybody who knows me tells me to back off and just let things be.

so hard for me...but should I? I don't see how we get from this to kissing goodbye and saying i love you again.

Do i just go on with life, improve finances and hope for the best? For How long? I have a right to be happy too? But i don't want to give up prematurely.

just lost


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

If you want to save your marriage, talk to her NOW. Also, get in MC now. 

How To Find Affordable Marriage Counseling


----------



## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Hello Hc...I am sorry for what happened. You indeed have right to be happy. I agree with anx. Talk to your wife about this. Marriage involves two people to make it works. You cannot do it alone. You are the only one who can decide which one is best for you. I wish you luck Hc...


----------



## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

Had a pretty frank talk with her...told her if we are going to be roommates she needs to pay for her share of bills. Left her phone bill and electric...

Got her acting nicer to me...i AM NOT saying be a jerk but i did force the hand a little.

I also went out to a family party alone even though she thought she was going....

I also told her i woirked for 2.5 years on making the marriage better....and she just endured it. If she wants to save the family...she needs to work on it too.

Got her to kiss me this morning...we'll see

I am really into this idea i thought of and see that other recommend it...a shared relationship journal. Any thoughts...part of me likes it...part thinks it could be a ***** journal...would have to set up some real rules i guess..


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I did something like this with my wife and it was bad. It ended up being a place where we would write down everything that hurt us. When you would get mad, you could just look back at all the other times that month your SO said or did something wrong.

The kiss was a good sign. Keep it up and get in MC if you can.


----------



## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

i found counselor last time....she still goes to one in the same practice for herself.

She did take initiative and call around for one...so who knows...i'll stay hopeful


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> She did take initiative and call around for one...so who knows...i'll stay hopefu


 Make the appointment. Do not lose a marriage because she should have make the appointment and not you. To make something like this work, you are going to have to sacrifice a LOT more than just being the one who makes the appt.


----------



## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

yeah i wish...but she needs to make moves too...i have done all the trying...time for her....i'm kinda done this time around


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Please make the appointment. Your marriage is probably over if you don't. People do change in MC, this can be a lot better. It won't happen if you don't go. 

Also, please read my story. Its in my profile.


----------



## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

dude...love your story...lots of similar themes...

honestly though..wtf happens to women...its CRAZY.

I have so many people...even my pastor...saying its not me its her...but what good is that...she feels the way she feels and it might mean she leaves...

i am obsessed with this to the point of illness...broke every rule on your list(although we are not separated).

I just want to resolve this and its not on my timeline...kills me


----------

