# I can't keep this in anymore.



## saiyagirl09 (May 5, 2013)

I am so frustrated. My marriage is a mess. I discovered yet again that my husband is on dating websites and texting other women. I"m positive that anyone who is reading this thinking confront him and leave. But it's a complicated and long story on how this began. My husband and I have been married for almost 8 yrs. We have always had a rocky relationship due to the Internet. In fact we met on the Internet. But before we got married but was officially a couple we both were still chatting to other people on line. Of course we both found out about it and it caused some friction in our relationship. I forgave him but he has always held it against me. Fast forward 3 yrs into our marriage I discovered he was on face book and my space as single and looking. All his contacts were women. In addition to the face book and my space he was on IMVU virtual dating chat room; which at the time I didn't know. Of course I confronted him and as he finally broke down and told me because I had the evidence in front of him. Oh but the drama doesn't stop there. I went through is phone and discovered he was on other dating websites. And no I still didn't know about IMVU. I was so disappointed and heart broken. I kept asking him why. He told me that we was a sex addict, he felt that I was not paying enough attention to him and he need some release. He said he never met any of these women. The only thing he as ever done was chat and sent text messages. I asked him did he ever go on the web cam and made phone calls. He says he didn't but some of the websites he had visited were web cam based. Fast forward a year after the big bust my husband comes to me and tells me that he wants US to go on IMVU and chat with other people. He said it would allow us to meet other people and increase our sex drive. At first I didn't know what to think. I was still hurting from the crap he's done but I wanted to be open and take some ownership on being neglectful. I had recognized that work, our son, and just having a new baby took some time away from our intimacy. So, I decided to join IMVU with him. Unfortunately, that turned out to be a mistake. We didn't do the IMVU together. Instead it tore us apart. We were working completely opposite schedules at this point. So we only saw each other on the weekends. And when were were together I was with the kids while he slept most of the day cause of him working 3rd shift. I was bored and alone. So my only connection to adults was IMVU. I was meeting new people and he became jealous. He felt cheated and deprived; rightfully so. All my free time was spent on IMVU while he was at work or asleep. In the process I meet some really nice guys whom I made a connection with. Yes, I participated in sex-ting and swoped emails but I never gave my number, texted, send pics or did web cam. Keep in mind my husband was doing the same. And we both agreed it was ok. But as I said my husband became angry and jealous. In fact he became so upset he pulled the plug. He pulled the plug because he found out I was sending emails. Which was not in the agreement. He was so angry. I had never seen him that hurt. I felt so bad. I did everything to make up for the mistake. I'm still paying for that mistake even today. Fast forward another 5 months. He comes to me again wanting to go on IMVU. This time I said no. This is not good for the marriage. He kept begging and said that WE would do it together. Finally after thinking about for a couple of weeks and he was already on IMVU, I gave in and agreed. This time I followed by the rules. Once again he became jealous and pulled the plug. He kept saying I was spending more time on that website then with him. Which was not true. I explained to him rather it's the website, tv, or the phone, the real problem is we just don't spend time together PERIOD. Fast forward 7 months we are in Sprint getting new Iphones. Well that's when I discovered naked pics of women. And these weren't from porn sites. Then I saw text messages and apps for dating websites. I just walked out the store and left him. When he finally caught up with me instead of him being remorseful he was angry that I embarrassed him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was blaming me for neglecting his sexual needs, blaming my appearance, and bringing up the fact that I had sent emails during our IMVU stint. We argued for days. And if things could not get any worse I ran across an email. I hacked his account and found that he was yahooing and emailing women. In one of the emails he left his phone number and scheduled a meeting. I was so upset. Of course I confronted him. He said that they never met. He was just stringing her long so he could continue to get pics and continue the sex-ting. At that moment I asked for a divorce. He kept apologizing and kept swearing that he didn't cheat. I didn't talk to him for weeks. I was so depressed. Fast forward 3 months later he comes to me about dating websites and craigs list. He suggests that we try it. Maybe it would put some spice in our marriage. It this point I am at a stage where I don't even care. And I figured we are so far removed from each other at this point why should he find companionship and I'm left high and dry. So, we both tried the dating website. In the process I discovered that the very day I had agreed to his plan he reached out the the same girl that he claims he never met. I confronted him about it. He kept saying that he reached out to her because she was easy to talk to and that it was hard to start from scratch to get good pics and good sex-ting. At this point I completely lost the love for him. And like before this agreement to text and chat with other people didnt last. But before it ended we were swoping iphones, reading each others texts messages, and we were both aware that we were sharing pics with other people. During this time I was getting my groove back. The guys that I talked to made me feel human again. I felt smart, attractive, and alive. But that came to an end because my husband felt it and became jealous. This time he was accusing me of actually meeting these people and cheating. Which I wasn't. So we pulled the plug on this one too. But my husband completely changed. Everyday we were arguing. The argueing became mean spirited. There wasn't a moment that we didn't argue. The arguments were so bad my aunt/uncle had and grandmother had to a family and marriage intervention. They litterally sat us down and talk to us about their marriage in hopes of saving ours. I was so humillitated. I wanted our problem to be private. Finally, I made and ultimatum to either divorce or go to counseling. So he agreed to counceling. We only went 3 times. He decided that we could figure out and solve our marriage problem on our own. He feels if I would just change then we would both be happy. He has a laundry list of things I need to work on from my hair, weight, cosmetic, work life, and how I socialize with the neighbors. I asked him was there anything that he liked about me. Cause according to his list I don't meet any of his requirements. Keep in mind the only thing I have ever asked from him was respect, fidelity, open communication, and unconditional love. So we agreed that we would work on our marriage and not to go on the internet; per counselor suggestion. Well 3 weeks ago I find out he's back at it again. I confronted him and asked him why. Of course he blamed our sex life and me. He takes no ownership for his behavior. I am so depressed and feel so defeated. I have been making financial plans to break away. I just got to work on my mental and emotional state to deal what may seem to be the ultimate end of our marriage. Im so crushed cause I feel like I failed. I don't even know who I am anymore.


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## mrsoffshore (Apr 25, 2013)

I kind of understand where you are coming from. My husband something kind of similar. He blamed it on my depression at first but eventually owned up to it. It took over a year, a separation, and a lot of work for me to fully forgive him and trust him again. But it takes 2. Sounds like you are the only one trying and he is being selfish and taking advantage of that. I would say separate and start getting a feel for new life without him


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## saiyagirl09 (May 5, 2013)

I guess you can tell with the misspelling and the fact that I'm on here at 4 in morning that I just exhausted. I don't want to talk to my family or girlfriends about this. I'm so embarrassed that I have excepted this poor treatment and behavior from him. I'm taking it for the kids cause I never wanted to be a single mom. I grew up in a single parent home. After my dad died my sister and I saw how difficult it was for my mom. The stress was the cause of her early death and I didn't want that for me. But the marriage is killing me.


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## mrsoffshore (Apr 25, 2013)

Im pretty sure the kids aren't oblivious to the marital problems. There were times my siblings and I prayed our parents would divorce, just so we could have peace. But it sounds like you guys had a rocky foundation from the start. And it has snowballed into this. now it's up to you to decide what you wan't to put up with from here on out. you're stronger than you think


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I went through the same thing, and I mean the same exact thing with the internet dating and the whirlwind romance into marriage. I discovered that she had boundary issues when I found out she couldn't close her account or keep out problems to herself, she wouldn'y tell me her problems but all of her ex boyfriends knew. So I know how frustrating it is to be the only one actively participating in the relationship and following the ground rules. Things like "Married people DON'T DATE friends" and "Facebook friends don't need to know about our argument last night". It sucks to be the only adult in your relationship, but if you don't do it them who will? 

There's just one thing you have to understand about your husband and that is he's not going to stop no matter how much you beg, and pleade, and b!tch, and cry, and drag him to the MC to talk about your issues. This is his means to escape from his problems and put all the responsibility on you for the relationship. This is his drug of choice, and like any other dopamine inducing drug he's not going to stop unless he hits rock bottom and the side effects outweight the euphoria. You've already seem him react to you dating and trying to follow the rules he sets, but like any other abusive relationship(and don't kid yourself cheating = abuse) he makes the rules and he breaks the rules and he can very well flip flop at will. 

There's only two ways you're going to get him to stop and decide to either recommit to the marriage or leave you for greener pastures and those are divorce or if you pulled away from him and started dating someone else. And honey, if he's not completely brain dead he'll do the former because spousal support and child support are expensive. What this means for you.... I tell you the same thing I tell the wives of drunken slobs who've tried everything and their husbands won't get help.* It's your love that enabling him!* He knows he can cheat on you and all he has to do to get you back is promise the world, or deny everything, and then treat you special for a few weeks. You want him to stop? Then you need to get serious and put your foot firmly on the ground and serve him with at least, at the very least a separation and then immediately start the 180 for yourself. 

When you do this, I'm also going to step outside of the conventional MC box and tell you.... You can date too. You're a grown woman and can make your own decisions about sex, you don't need anyone to tell you what's right and what's wrong or about some religious morals. I'm telling you this because for one, your marriage to that man is over. He doesn't want to contribute and in fact is doing everything he can to start an affair, and you've done everything you can.... So it's time to start looking for a better replacement if not to make him realize he's lost the one person on earth willing to put up with his bad behavior then it's to look for a better father and husband. 

And 2nd and more importantly, you need to deprogram yourself from the toxic bullsh!t you believe and your husband has conditioned you to believe, things like "It's ok for him to cheat but you can't, because HE says so" or if you believe that you're not attractive and some man wouldn't snap you up in a heartbeat. A few (platonic) dates with about a half dozen guys will show that other people do appreciate you for you and not for your tollerance with gaslighting, and that your husband is easily replaceable so if he doesn't get his head out of his ass and decide what priorities are important he will lose you!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Staying for the kids is a cop out. I understand not wanting to be a single mother but I left when the relationship was unhealthy. I'd rather they be raised by a single mother who was strong than see the example I was living in a crappy marriage.

Next - it's time to set limits and boundaries and both of you live by them. Complete transparency for both of you. If that can't be accomplished, it's time to leave and end this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

saiyagirl09 said:


> I guess you can tell with the misspelling and the fact that I'm on here at 4 in morning that I just exhausted. I don't want to talk to my family or girlfriends about this. I'm so embarrassed that I have excepted this poor treatment and behavior from him. I'm taking it for the kids cause I never wanted to be a single mom. I grew up in a single parent home. After my dad died my sister and I saw how difficult it was for my mom. The stress was the cause of her early death and I didn't want that for me. But the marriage is killing me.


How old are your children?

Your mother was left on her own to raise you and your sister.

If you divorced, your husband would also be a part of their life. Depending on what each of you make and the time-share split, he might also be paying you child support.

So the situation is not like the one you grew up in.

If you stay, you are teaching your children that this is what marriage is like. Is this really the lesson you want to teach them?


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## saiyagirl09 (May 5, 2013)

Fortunately, money is not the issue. My husband and I are blessed and have a very good income. And I have to give him some credit he's very savvy with our investments and our finances. We have enough liquidity to pay all our bills and move on without any financial hardship if it came down to that. 

Finances is not the reason as to why I am staying. the bottom line is I love my husband and I want my kids father in their life. I have a successful career and I make enough to take care of my two kids and I. Its the comfort of having a committed partner. Which at this point I'm feeling cheated and should use committed lightly. Everyone who was important to me have either died or left. So I don't have a network of close friends or family as support system. And my husband knows that. 

I am furiously loyal to a fault and I expect others to be. Which is why I have small circle of trusted friends. Unfortunately, I didn't realize until recently that my loyalty to my husband is a flawed dependency. My biggest fear is being alone. I just don't understand all of this. I thought I was being selective when I met my husband. I was in my late twenties and he was in his thirties; mature and ready for a loving committed relationship. But I don't know, at point this certainly does not describe our marriage.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Well, you don't have a committed partner right now. So, if you want one, you have to be willing to lose the relationship.

Print out divorce papers and print out the limits/boundaries you are comfortable with in a marriage. He has three minutes to choose which he wants. 

Your kids would still have their father in their life if you divorced. Would you want them growing up thinking this is what a marriage looks like?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

:iagree: 100%


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## saiyagirl09 (May 5, 2013)

So, let me back up. This morning we had another argument. Again, about the texting and calling other women. He told me flat out that due to our sexless marriage I drove him to it. Which he's right our sex life has been non existent. Hmmm... wonder why.

Our schedule conflicts, stress from work and kids, and his endless EA has taken a toll on our marriage. He told me that if I would start to initiate sex and be remotely attracted to him then he wouldn't be driven to find excitement some where else. But what he doesn't recognize is the more he focuses on the EAs the more that drives me away from him. It's an endless cycle and I'm not sure how we can break it.

He complains that I have somehow cheated him from a life by having kids too early. I reminded him that it takes two to have kids and that I didn't hold a gun to his head. And I reminded him that if he would deposits some time in my emotional bank account he might see some dividends. He refuses to do it. For some reason he thinks cooking out on the grill for the family or going to the grocery store together is date night.

He never spends time with me. When we do, he's always berating me. There's always a list of things that I didn't do that he's disappointed about. He's always has to remind me of something. Lately any conversations we have turns out to be something I did wrong again. I do my best not to respond. I just walk away. He's just so angry all the time. His excuse is he sexually frustrated. Well I'm frustrated too cause I'm tired of being talk to like a loser.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Um, so HIS cheating is YOUR fault? Um, no, sorry honey. 

Look in the Sex in Marriage forum at all the poor souls who haven't had sex in months/years and are still married and faithful.

He's responsible for cheating. Period.

Now, the question is will he comply with what you ask? Have you asked?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

One thing I always have to point out is that the excuse you were given, is never ever the real reason why your spouse cheated, left, or gave up on marriage. It's always some textbook bullsh!t example of them protecting their ego by blaming you. If you know you've been doing everything in this relationship and he can't meet you half way, then he's just trying to blame you to make himself feel better.

Usually, but not always, the same excuse you were given can be mirrored to reflect why your spouse felt the need to betray you in the beginning. Here, ther whole laundry list of aestentic things you need to change..... Freakin text book example of someone with insecurities who can't deal with their own issues so they shed it on someone else by putting them down to feel better about themselves. I'm 90% sure that's why he's cheating now, but I'm willing to bet anything he has issues with abandonment and can't fully let himself get too close to anyone without a backup plan B.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea.....Ima say to pack up and leave.

He doesn't respect you, or the marriage. WHAT is possibly keeping you there...


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

You need help from the Coping With Infidelity forum. You cannot fix anything with EA's going on. 

I'm pretty sure folks there have seen it all before. You need not go into this clueless.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Needless to say your husband's betraying ways are unacceptable. He needs an ultimatum. And one that sticks. 

Were it me, I'd ask him if he had any serious thoughts about repairing the marriage- fully and from both of you. If not, then time to go. If so, then set some boundaries and accountability and seek good counseling.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He's not even interested in a committed marriage. Walk away. He may be a way better weekend Daddy than he is a husband. HE needs to be single.


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