# Reassuring Insecure Partners



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

If as a man you find yourself constantly being accused of cheating and other jealously issues, at what point do you say "enough is enough I'm tired of the constant struggle to establish trust?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Are you guilty or no ?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Maybe it is your wife the one who is cheating. 

This is a common tactic of many cheating wives who try to turn the tables by accusing their husbands of the exact thing they are doing. If I were you I would keep an eye on your wife.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Do you have lots of female friends? Spend time alone with other women? Flirt with other women? Have private chats with other women etc?

Do you act as if you are entitled to perve on other women? Do you oggle other women and compliment them all the time?


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

No. I don't drink, smoke or go out. Kinda a homebody really. My friends are mostly male but I was more interested in getting your opinions. Im curious how some of you folks automatically assume the man must be doing something to trigger it. 

To be more specific, how much do you reassure your partner until it becomes a destructive cycle? I mean is it really unrealistic to live free of constant doubt in a relantionship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Often when someone is insecure in the relationship, man or women I do find their partner is making them insecure.

Even if you rarely go out, do you flirt with other women, spend time chatting to them online etc?

If you don't do anything that could be seen as flirting and stepping over the boundaries then she may just have a big problem and need professional help.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Sanity,

Stand up to your wife on this. In the calmest, sternest voice you can muster, tell her in no certain words how you are annoyed at this. Don't be overbearing. Just stern.

Show her you will no longer tolerate her juvenile behavior, and her trust issues are her fears she needs to come to terms with herself. Once she sees you mean what you say, she will respect you, but also start to realize how damaging her fears are to the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

morituri said:


> Maybe it is your wife the one who is cheating.
> 
> This is a common tactic of many cheating wives who try to turn the tables by accusing their husbands of the exact thing they are doing. If I were you I would keep an eye on your wife.


Well, that's called "projection" and it's something both men _and _ women do. Umm, not just women. In fact, cheating men patented that move centuries ago.

moving on...

'Stand up to your wife on this. In the calmest, sternest voice you can muster, tell her in no certain words how you are annoyed at this. Don't be overbearing. Just stern.

Show her you will no longer tolerate her juvenile behavior, and her trust issues are her fears she needs to come to terms with herself. Once she sees you mean what you say, she will respect you, but also start to realize how damaging her fears are to the relationship'


I'm not really thinkging this is so great either. She's just going to think you have something to hide but are bullying her into submission. While I agree you should let her know this is destroying the relationship, I think first you should evaluate what you do on a daily basis to undermine her. If nothing, explore what went on in her past that is triggering this behavior. It's either you, or (fair or not) someone in her past.
Guarantee it.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Why is this not great? It's direct, too the point, and it reinforces his boundaries. If she brings it up again, he says exactly the same thing. She may just be insecure, that's it.

If you get layed off from a job, do you constantly whine to your new boss that he's eventually going to fire you? No. Why? Because its pointless. So is this.

Everyone always assumes everyone needs to be handheld, and coddled, and things will only get better with a therapist. what's wrong with just having the nuts to tell it like it is. Direct and to the point. It's not bullying. It's being honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Why is this not great? It's direct, too the point, and it reinforces his boundaries. If she brings it up again, he says exactly the same thing. She may just be insecure, that's it.
> 
> If you get layed off from a job, do you constantly whine to your new boss that he's eventually going to fire you? No. Why? Because its pointless. So is this.
> 
> ...


Well, because if she is really feeling insecure, she probably can't control it. It's not a logical emotion, my dear.

So while the above may have a temporary effect, it's likely to just piss her off later on the next time he does something that triggers her insecurity. 

And like I said, it may not even be justified on her part. It may be something from her past that she's reacting to. But even then, it may be something he is doing to trigger the reaction, or the memory of whatever that last guy did to her.

just how I see it


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Well, that's called "projection" and it's something both men _and _ women do. Umm, not just women. In fact, cheating men patented that move centuries ago.


Indeed both genders practice it but it is a common theme of many stories on these forums where it is usually the wife who is the accuser and later on it turns out to be that it was she was cheating all along.

I have two male friends whose wives did the same to them and they later found out that it was their wives who were having affairs


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My H did this to me and I adjusted my behavior more and more and more until I barely went to the gym or anywhere else. Going to the grocery store even meant not being home to answer the phone and I would get a message saying I must be out with my boyfriend! 

Yes, he was cheating and yes he also has insecurity issues and needs to deal with them. Before he deployed he told me point blank I was going to get fat, go through his money, cheat on him, and dump him. In that order?

I have decided I am done jumping through hoops. I go to ballroom dance and rock climbing and the gym and volunteer at a theater. I do not go out on dates and never have while in a committed dating relationship/engaged/married. I have never cheated. I have never even been propositioned about cheating. 

My H did all of that while accusing me of cheating and so forth making dire predictions about me, accusing me basically of being a wh*re while I was working, keeping house, struggling to do the few activities I was interested in, taking up 'safe' activities like all-women knitting group, parenting my children, etc. He even accused me of wanting my older son's best friend when that friend came to the house to play Wii with my son, etc. 

I think there is a time you have to put your foot down and take back control of your life. If there is some kind of illness behind the behavior, I can't see why a healthy life should be ruined to accommodate it.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> My H did this to me and I adjusted my behavior more and more and more until I barely went to the gym or anywhere else. Going to the grocery store even meant not being home to answer the phone and I would get a message saying I must be out with my boyfriend!
> 
> Yes, he was cheating and yes he also has insecurity issues and needs to deal with them. Before he deployed he told me point blank I was going to get fat, go through his money, cheat on him, and dump him. In that order?
> 
> ...


See what I mean tealeaves4? If I was the man who started this thread, I would start checking up on my wife more closely. It wouldn't surprise me if he comes back saying that she is cheating on him.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Doubt is one thing which causing us lose our sanity! 

Doubt our own ability! 

Doubt other people's loyalty to us! 

She has to learn to trust herself and others!


----------



## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

morituri said:


> See what I mean tealeaves4? If I was the man who started this thread, I would start checking up on my wife more closely. It wouldn't surprise me if he comes back saying that she is cheating on him.


Homemaker is the W. Her H was cheating, and trying to peg it on her.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

@Homemaker

From your lips to gods ears. I too went through this with my STBXW. I fix computers as a side job to make ends meet and I had to quit it for a awhile because of her constant questioning on the client. Her first question would be "is it a woman?" and "is she hot?". Folks isn't this embarrassing coming from a 40 year old?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sanity, my marriage was this way. My husband constantly accused me & doubted me & eluded to me cheating and needed to know where I was and for how long and whend I'd be back, always always insanely jealous and accusatory. If he went out though, when I asked, he'd only say "I'm going out with friends--you don't know them and we don't know where we are going & I'm not sure when I'll be back." It was awful and set up a sh-tty dynamic to our relationship. He was mentally cruel. I would speak on the phone around him and watch what I said (even if it was my mom) because if not he'd accuse me of talking smack about him or say I was talking to someone else. I hated it. One time I was having brunch at my girlfriends' & didn't answer my phone (in another room) when he called and he reamed me saying how I wasn't where I said I was and refused to spend time that entire weekend w/ our family that came down to visit. He even threw his phone against the wall and broke it when it was later confirmed I was w/ my girlfriends. And then he wouldn't speak to me for days as if it was my fault he was angry. If I was grocery shopping and he'd call me to see if I was really there and 'd say I was and he'd say "Suuure."

I lived like this for many years. Stupidly.

I trusted him so much. 100%.

So it was total shock when I found out he was trolling for sex online, and that had cheated. You see, he'd always told me from the beginning that cheating was his absolute dealbreaker. That he hated cheaters with a passion. In some ways I can now see it was his guilty conscience. He even told me he was "glad" I found out so I wouldn't think he was "so perfect." Yes, he really said that to me. 

I am sad to say I ended up cheating too. It's my biggest regret. And in some ways I feel like he conjured it. Well, not really. Though there were many times where I wanted to tell him "Now it's true. Are you happy now?" How does it taste now? 

I regret not leaving when I found out the things I did. 

His jealousy/doubt/mistrust drove a HUGE wedge between us. 

Talk to your wife and tell her how you feel. If she's been betrayed in the past, she prob has jilted feelings. If not, it is giong to put a huge damper on your relationship.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I also stopped going out to eat with my brother because of the hassle I got from her. A person should not have to change everything in their life to calm another persons jealously.

I don't understand the logic behind jealously and trust issues. If I felt my partner was untrustworthy, I would not be with them. I don't not like policing a spouse especially if we are grown adults.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Thanks Jellybeans. I've already spoken to her very clearly about this without success. I just don't feel it's my job to reassure. My behavior should be enough and I've never given her a reason or have cheated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sanity said:


> I also stopped going out to eat with my brother because of the hassle I got from her. A person should not have to change everything in their life to calm another persons jealously.


It's already happening. You are curbing your behavior in order to satisfy her. Been there. Not fun.

Has she always been this way? Was she cheated on in the past? What doe she say when you tell her how it makes you feel that she does this? How long have you been together?



Sanity said:


> I don't understand the logic behind jealously and trust issues.


It usually tems from either insecurity and/or a control issue.

By the way, I am divorced now.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

She has been in a series of crappy relantionships. I filed for divorce a few weeks ago. I just can't deal with her anymore. 

When I explained to her several times calmly but firmly that her constant accusations was destroying our relationship. She would accuse me of being defensive and that I should have no problem explaining what I do if I'm not hiding anything.

We separated back in November but keep in contact because we have a two year old together. I have resumed fixing computers and doing things I enjoyed. Now when she calls and starts with the BS I just tell her that the conversation is over and hang up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she is still laying into you, then you're doing the right thing by telling her "conversation over."


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sanity said:


> I also stopped going out to eat with my brother because of the hassle I got from her. A person should not have to change everything in their life to calm another persons jealously.
> 
> I don't understand the logic behind jealously and trust issues. If I felt my partner was untrustworthy, I would not be with them. I don't not like policing a spouse especially if we are grown adults.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Guess what?

You change everything in your life for them and it doesn't matter.

And - there is no "logic" behind these issues. It's pure raw emotion. That's why "logical" arguments don't work on them.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Homemaker is the W. Her H was cheating, and trying to peg it on her.



He says he was doing this because he thought all along I was cheating on him. But during the course of our relationship when I seriously questioned and tried to discuss with him the accusations he was making towards me, he said it was a joke, and that I needed to lighten up. I told him it wasn't funny, but he kept on 'joking'.

And, I do think it works both ways.
A woman is just as capable of this kind of behavior as a man.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sanity said:


> She has been in a series of crappy relantionships. I filed for divorce a few weeks ago. I just can't deal with her anymore.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When you find someone with a "series" of crappy relationships, you're likely looking at the perp.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Conrad said:


> When you find someone with a "series" of crappy relationships, you're likely looking at the perp.


Hey now, go easy.
Signed,
Serial codependent/slow learner/foolish optimist.
in other words, the Big Sucker
(and yes, I did that too - literally)

Of course, my current H passed off his past relationships and lack of marriage and problems with the women, all of whom had 'issues' or 'cheated on him'. Gee, i wonder why.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Hey now, go easy.
> Signed,
> Serial codependent/slow learner/foolish optimist.
> in other words, the Big Sucker
> ...


Those adjectives sound very familiar. I've used them on myself.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

In actuality I'm very forgiving of myself.
Just a slow learner of life.
I do know a good relationship when I see one.
However, nailing one down seems to be more of a long path than destination travel for me.


----------



## sealman1966 (Jun 30, 2011)

Have you told her the she is using a form of emotional abuse on you?


----------



## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

I think most replies her are a bit off-base.

Insecurity comes from a place. My wife is insecure. She doesn't accuse me of things but you can't EVER disagree with her. A fight usually results anytime you offer contradicting viewpoints, no matter how respectfully or gently you present them.

My wife was brought up in a highly-controlling household where father was (and is to this day) always ALWAYS right. Yet her father is also painfully insecure.

Point is, her concerns are a symptom. Too many replies here (IMHO) are identifying it as the disease.


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Strikes me only one poster in this thread has mentioned that for some of us, insecurity has a basis from our husband/partner's behaviour. Not in the case of our relationship is it affairs, or flirting, or anything, just attitudes to the permanence or otherwise of the relationship. In the face of that, insecurity - mine- is pretty much the default setting. I have a distinctly (understatment) reduced sense of confidence that he wants to be with me long term. Or even full-time, if you've read any of my backhistory in other posts!
Shouldn't the one 'causing' the insecurity have some responsibility for reassurance in these cases?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Symptom.
Yes, sometimes a symptom that they are doing something seriously wrong and it's making them insecure about the relationship, and rightly so. The bottom line is you can't fix someone else by ruining yourself. That's the wrong direction altogether. And you end up ruining not just yourself but cheating every other human being in your life that you come in contact with.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

My ex-wife is a stunningly beautiful woman. During the time of her affair, she would act strangely jealous if she saw me talking with another woman - like our neighbor, the mail person, waitress. etc. At first I found it humorous but later asked her why I would ever want to be with another woman if I had best one in the world as my wife. Of course I was completely oblivious to her affair and forgot about the experience of two male friends whose ex-wives acted like my then wife.

Since you filed for divorce it is a moot point if your STBXW cheated on you or not. Just don´t be surprised if you find out later on that she has.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It sounds like your wife needs counseling to address her low self esteem and fear of abandonment. Deep down, she must feel like she'd not "good enough" to hold on to any relationship. So she lives in constant fear. And because she's had a string of bad relationships, she assumes you will be the same way.

I feel sorry for the both of you. She is a tortured soul to be so insecure she is suspicious of your innocent activities. And it's too bad she didn't get therapy before you left.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Laurae1967 said:


> It sounds like your wife needs counseling to address her low self esteem and fear of abandonment. Deep down, she must feel like she'd not "good enough" to hold on to any relationship. So she lives in constant fear. And because she's had a string of bad relationships, she assumes you will be the same way.
> 
> I feel sorry for the both of you. She is a tortured soul to be so insecure she is suspicious of your innocent activities. And it's too bad she didn't get therapy before you left.


I agree with this :iagree: If the husband had done nothing wrong, it is something ingrained in the wife (earlier hurts by men etc) that is causing this. SHE NEEDS HELP. True, maybe he was more distant than she wanted or something, but this is no reason to jump to these conclusions & accusations and need continuous reassurance of being faithful. Until she gets help, she is likely to do this to the next man also. 

What has happened to her in the past, what did she grow up with , did she witness her father cheating on her mother? 

I would not be able to stay with someone like this, it would drive me literally insane. I think we all need a measure of freedom talking to the opposite sex and not be accused of something unless we have outright harmed in some way, crossing some REAL lines in the sand in marrage. 

In order for a healthy marriage to flurish, 2 people have to be of a sound mind. 

Maybe she could have benefitted from a book or 2 on this page : 

Amazon.com: overcoming insecurities in love: Books


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's kind of pointless. Men don't look at their wives and girlfriends as harshly as their wives and girlfriends look at themselves, in normal ranges. So when your wife/girlfriend acts like a collapsing star of need, it really nothing we, their partners can fully help them with.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm sure my STBXH will say that the only reason I got into school with a scholarship is that I used sex to do it (despite having a perfect 6.0 on my GRE writing exam), that I got an apartment so easily despite having cat, dog and two kids because I banged someone for the lease, and that I got my old research job back because the dean has a thing for me. Well, whatever. I know none of that is true.

I was faithful 100%. 

Let him be insecure. 
I can't jump through hoops until I die.
It needs to end somewhere.


----------



## Who knows best (Jul 4, 2011)

You asked when enough is enough? In marriage, there isn't when it comes to this to me. You are asking US how much YOU can take? Only the person going through it can answer this..all depending on their own values or commitment. 
I would have asked you, what have you done about this? Have you talked with her? (when a situation is not happening?) Have you prayed about it? Have you worked at trying to make her feel appreciated and needed? Desired? 
I think marriages go through these things. I think people become selfish and only think of themselves. I would challenge you to let go of her nagging and mistrust. Drown her in your love and devotion. Do things that make her feel special. It doesn't have to take money..just thought. And an imagination.  
There are a thousand reasons someone acts or believes what they think. A forum is no place to know the ins and outs of each of you. What it should be is a place for you to vent, to learn something new..from someone experienced. Like me. LOL Have a blessed week and hope you have fun while loving your wife. Just don't give up... at least till you tried it all!


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Doesn't that depend on the price paid for that reassurance?



madimoff said:


> Strikes me only one poster in this thread has mentioned that for some of us, insecurity has a basis from our husband/partner's behaviour. Not in the case of our relationship is it affairs, or flirting, or anything, just attitudes to the permanence or otherwise of the relationship. In the face of that, insecurity - mine- is pretty much the default setting. I have a distinctly (understatment) reduced sense of confidence that he wants to be with me long term. Or even full-time, if you've read any of my backhistory in other posts!
> Shouldn't the one 'causing' the insecurity have some responsibility for reassurance in these cases?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Doesn't that depend on the price paid for that reassurance?


Right. I'm not going to stop going to the gym or out running or to work or having friends because my H thinks I'm humping everyone behind his back.

When I encourage him to go to these places with me, he'd humiliate me sexually or otherwise in front of people. 

Here is an example:
I go to the grocery store during the week. He calls home and if I am not there he says I am out with my boyfriend. The presence of groceries and billable hours for work and actual muscles on my arms from actual weight lifting and road races with times of 24 minutes for a 5K and 4 loads of laundry hung out on the line and homemade pie is insufficient and dinner waiting when he gets home is insufficient evidence of actual fidelity.

So, I invite him to the gym and the grocery store. At the gym he asks me in my ear if the guy next to me on the treadmill is the one I've been scr*wing, or want to scr*w. At the grocery store, he picks up a kielbasa and sausages and publicly shows them to me and asks me if that is the size I am looking for and he'll show me a real sausage, heheheheh. At the checkout counter he tells the cashier he does not need any bags because he already has one - me! (I'm not a bag by any means.) I invite him to my friends' house for a BBQ and he says he would like to have a 3some and would I like to f*ck my friend or have we done so already? I go to work and he wants to know who I talked to on the train. Yes, sometimes I network if someone has an attitude or seems to work in the line of business I was in...people are always comparing electronics on a commute, too. I have a small Linux mini, it gets a lot of attention for a $150 mobile gadget with no fees attached and all shareware on it (Ubuntu and OpenOffice). Sometimes I talk to someone to tell them I have to move because I have scent sensitivity, no biggie...or to watch their stuff when they use the restroom or about knitting or origami or where to eat or how to get around on the subway or on foot. Or to turn their mobile device away from the window because it's reflecting the sun into my eyes. 

So he tells me when I was younger everyone thought I got promotions at work because they said I was scr*wing my boss. making me uncomfortable in succeeding at work because of what people might say or think then. 

That's not a price. 
A price is something someone can AFFORD to pay. 
And chooses to. 
Because they will actually get something in return that is worthwhile to have.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm sorry but either he's ****ing with you or he's clinically paranoid.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, as you said, it will be a waste of time now to analyze it.
We know that while he was railroading me he was at the very least making arrangements to bang his long-term married ex-gf soulmate.


----------

