# Men, would you cancel your plans if your wife got sick?



## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

It's my husband's work party tonight. They had 3 in total: 1 for the families, 1 for the spouses and the one tonight is for the men only. (He works construction so it's a pretty male dominated industry.) The spouse party was last weekend.
I am violently sick with the flu, although I'm getting better. I had a temperature of 102.4 last night and I was so achy and congested and overall miserable. I just keep puking and can't keep any food down. I was crying on and off because I was in so much pain! Temperature has reduced to 100 so I'm definitely improving and no longer feel like I should prepare myself for a hospital visit, although I am still achy, in a lot of pain and can't eat.
I have plans of my own tomorrow for a team party that I'll definitely have to cancel.
Anyway, I'm not sure if I want him to offer to stay home with me or what. Maybe I just want him to WANT to, if that makes sense? Probably not as I'm a little delirious and have re read this post 100x to makes sure it makes any sense, lol. On one hand I think he should go enjoy himself. I mean, it was the plan. But on the other I can't help, but feel sad that he'd rather sit around and drink then take care of me. I've felt so out of touch with him lately that this would have been a nice gesture. Then I realize that it would be much more fun to sit and drink with friends then be at home with a crying wife, lol. If this were to happen before we got married he'd stay by my side. I don't want to hate him if he goes. I don't want to feel guilty if he stays. I just feel so distant from each other lately that it makes me sad. He knows I feel sad. I've told him as much, although he can't quite understand why. He doesn't sense the distance (or he's not admitting to it) the way I am. Maybe this is one of those gender differences in which I feel unloved and unimportant and he thinks everything is good. I don't know. Maybe I'm manufacturing problems that aren't there. Maybe I'm just being needy. But whenever I feel needy I pull back 100x more so I really don't know what to do.

Men, what would you do? How would you want your wife to handle this?


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> It's my husband's work party tonight. They had 3 in total: 1 for the families, 1 for the spouses and the one tonight is for the men only. (He works construction so it's a pretty male dominated industry.) The spouse party was last weekend.
> I am violently sick with the flu, although I'm getting better. I had a temperature of 102.4 last night and I was so achy and congested and overall miserable. I just keep puking and can't keep any food down. I was crying on and off because I was in so much pain! Temperature has reduced to 100 so I'm definitely improving and no longer feel like I should prepare myself for a hospital visit, although I am still achy, in a lot of pain and can't eat.
> I have plans of my own tomorrow for a team party that I'll definitely have to cancel.
> Anyway, I'm not sure if I want him to offer to stay home with me or what. Maybe I just want him to WANT to, if that makes sense? Probably not as I'm a little delirious and have re read this post 100x to makes sure it makes any sense, lol. On one hand I think he should go enjoy himself. I mean, it was the plan. But on the other I can't help, but feel sad that he'd rather sit around and drink then take care of me. I've felt so out of touch with him lately that this would have been a nice gesture. Then I realize that it would be much more fun to sit and drink with friends then be at home with a crying wife, lol. If this were to happen before we got married he'd stay by my side. I don't want to hate him if he goes. I don't want to feel guilty if he stays. I just feel so distant from each other lately that it makes me sad. He knows I feel sad. I've told him as much, although he can't quite understand why. He doesn't sense the distance (or he's not admitting to it) the way I am. Maybe this is one of those gender differences in which I feel unloved and unimportant and he thinks everything is good. I don't know. Maybe I'm manufacturing problems that aren't there. Maybe I'm just being needy. But whenever I feel needy I pull back 100x more so I really don't know what to do.
> ...


I'm not a man, but just wondering if your feelings would be any different about your H going to the party, if you weren't sick? 

I'm wondering if it's more than you feeling needy because you're sick or if there are more issues that need to be sorted out?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I tend to want to be on my own if I'm unwell so I would probably insist she went out with her friends.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I would have stayed home. I guess I'm one of those that would take any excuse I could get to not go to an office party.


----------



## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

LadybugMomma said:


> I'm not a man, but just wondering if your feelings would be any different about your H going to the party, if you weren't sick?


I didn't even give it a second thought until I got sick. I was actually supposed to pick his drunk ass up later, lol. He's having a really good year with this crew. I really want(ed) him go and enjoy because he's had to deal with awful coworkers in the past and this will be a good bonding experience. But I'm feeling sorry for myself.



LadybugMomma said:


> I'm wondering if it's more than you feeling needy because you're sick or if there are more issues that need to be sorted out?


 I have been feeling disconnected. We still hug and kiss and have sex, but I just feel like the kisses are shorter and not as soon as he walks in the door like they used to be. I feel disconnected. There's been no actions (cheating, no indictations of cheating, etc.) I just feel very... blah.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I'd rather be alone when sick so i would be extra happy he was going lol
I would also feel there is no reason for my husband to spend it at home bored watching while I slept.
Can I ask if the idea of him having a male only holiday party bothered you at all?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Id stay home. I would be too worried to have fun anyway


----------



## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

If my wife were just feeling under the weather and didn't want to go to a party but told me to go then I would. If she was sick as you are describing then I'd cancel and stay home regardless of what she said.


----------



## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

The male only situation doesn't bother me. I actually "kicked" him out of the house tomorrow so I could have my girls over, but I'll have to cancel. I strongly support male or female only events.

I guess I Just have this consistent feeling of unease. Like I'm waiting for **** to hit the fan. More time spent away from each other just opens doors to communication from other people. If we were happy I wouldn't be worried about him doing his thing and me doing mine, but we're not happy. We're not miserable or anything... THere's just this feeling of disconnect. I guess I just have to let it all play out.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Guess it depends on the event and the expectations of him being there. I'm now a boss in another of those male dominated industries. The expection is that I am at the holiday party and so if my significant other couldn't go I would go alone. 

I think you are right and this is probably tied to your uneasy feelings about your relationship. That's what needs to be addressed.


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> The male only situation doesn't bother me. I actually "kicked" him out of the house tomorrow so I could have my girls over, but I'll have to cancel. I strongly support male or female only events.
> 
> I guess I Just have this consistent feeling of unease. Like I'm waiting for **** to hit the fan. More time spent away from each other just opens doors to communication from other people. If we were happy I wouldn't be worried about him doing his thing and me doing mine, but we're not happy. We're not miserable or anything... THere's just this feeling of disconnect. I guess I just have to let it all play out.


Does he also feel the disconnect? Or is it just you?

To answer your question on behalf of my hubby, I'm pretty sure that he would cancel his plans if it was obvious that I needed someone to look after me -- or if I asked him to. But he would go ahead and do his thing if I was just going to sleep it off, or I told him I would manage just fine without him.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> I tend to want to be on my own if I'm unwell so I would probably insist she went out with her friends.


Do you just want to sleep it off? DH and my son just want to sleep for 14 or so, eat and drink, then go back to sleep. The only time they want interaction with me when sick is to bring them the food and drink. 

Me, I am a big freakin baby when I'm sick. I want to be taken care of and kept company.



UnicornCupcake said:


> I didn't even give it a second thought until I got sick. I was actually supposed to pick his drunk ass up later, lol. He's having a really good year with this crew. I really want(ed) him go and enjoy because he's had to deal with awful coworkers in the past and this will be a good bonding experience. But I'm feeling sorry for myself.
> 
> 
> 
> I have been feeling disconnected. We still hug and kiss and have sex, but I just feel like the kisses are shorter and not as soon as he walks in the door like they used to be. I feel disconnected. There's been no actions (cheating, no indictations of cheating, etc.) I just feel very... blah.


If he's been working a lot and had his work on his mind that might account for it. Shorter and later kisses sounds like a distracted mind. Not to mention construction is draining and he might be lacking the energy to be passionate.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

If it was ok for him to go if you weren't sick, it should be ok now so there is not a chance for him to catch the flu.


I feel like you might be trying to test him and make him feel guilty, because before you got sick you were fine with it when you were going to be doing your own thing to or there is more going on then what you posted.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This actually happened once a very long time ago with my H and I. I had the flu and was so sick I couldn't lift my head off the pillow... in hindsight I should have gone to the hospital. I had never been sick like that before to the point of being scared and honestly delirious. My H went to work rather than staying with me. I went in and out of consciousness while he was gone and just remember looking at the clock and telling myself...only X more hours until he's home...over and over again. 

I was mad at him for a long time for leaving me like that. 

Eventually I realized that my H has never actually been sick like that before. He looked at me and assumed it was a bad cold, like something he'd experienced before, and that I was being a baby. He didn't understand how seriously sick I was. If you've never been sick like that before it's difficult to understand what the sick person feels like. 

If you are really that sick please have him drag you to the hospital or urgent care.


----------



## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I guess it truly made no sense for him to stay home. I slept on and off from 3 PM to about 7 AM. Holy. That's a lot of sleep. I feel better, though.

I think I'm just looking for any little excuse to validate my feelings of unease concerning our relationship. It's like I'm waiting for some confirmation that my suspicions are true. This probably won't be my last post on that matter.... Sigh.

In sum, there are other issues. I don't think he's cheating. I don't even think he's being remotely sexual (no sexting or anything) with anyone. What I DO think, however, is that he's TALKING to someone. Not in a romantic or sexual way (not yet), but I think he's looking for someone to confide in or is already doing so. Between Christmas and his mother dying a few months ago his head isn't in a good spot. I think he's sad. So am, though so I guess we can't help each other. I didn't get on well with his mother so I know he wouldn't want to talk to me about her. I just picture some lonely female from his past sending him a message and they've got to talking. I don't like not being the one he talks to. There are so many little signs that he's receiving advice from someone. I've asked him about it multiple times and she says no, but my gut tells me otherwise. Until I KNOW for sure what's going on I can't let go of my anger or hate or resentment. Like, just admit it already!


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

This isn't the hill I'd die on, to be honest.

I was very sick on Thanksgiving and my husband wanted to stay home with me but I insisted he go to his family and enjoy the holiday. Much as I appreciated the gesture, I wasn't dying and there was nothing he could do that I couldn't do myself. After much back and forth, he agreed to go. I was completely fine with it.

I just wanted to say, NEVER ignore your gut when it's screaming to you. Ever.


----------



## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

@UnicornCupcake I'm sorry you're sick and I hope you are feeling better soon! 

Reading this thread is refreshing. It's good to know there are men out there that really care for their wives and would stay home with their sick wife. My STBXH wouldn't even help me after major surgery. He only helped a little when his parents were there visiting. He had to show them how great he was. Always putting on a show. I wasn't supposed to lift or bend, but I still had to take care of the kids, do laundry, etc. Makes me sick what I put up with.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Guy here. I have had the flu a few times in my life where I was so sick with fever I hallucinated, and other times I was just ordinary sick. Personally I just want to be left alone when I'm sick. My first thought as I read your post OP was if you're able to play on the internet posting and responding you're not that sick. I mean that honestly, in my opinion if you have the strength and consciousness to be able to function semi normal you're just ordinary sick, not debilitating sick. Unless I'm missing something I don't see why your husband shouldn't go to his Christmas party. If you couldn't get off the bathroom floor my answer would be different. 

I have to add a big ole BUT here...three parties is ridicules! I myself would be ticked off if my business expected me to attend three different parties, it's easy to see how you could be resentful of him going.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Don't make any decisions, or confront him with any suspicions, etc., until you are completely recovered and are thinking rationally [ie, not fevered and wiped out physically]

Get all kinds of fluids in you.


I've don't think I've ever heard someone here say "I think he's getting advice from somewhere" without having a good reason to think that. That is a strange thing to sense. Once again, wait until you are back to full health before you act based on this impression. It could be your intuition going off, or it could be feelings of vulnerability resulting from your body combating high fever, vomiting and severe pain.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

When I first saw this thread back when it was current this video popped into my mind. It took me till today to find it.
Campbells Soup
And my instant reply to the question was "Why should I change my plans?" I think the answer is really "Are you the kind of couple who does things for each other, or are you the kind that tosses soup cans into crotches?" (I know she tossed the phone). Personally I'd at least get out the can and the pan. I'd still go to the party. I would never say "Call your Mom" But then I wouldn't trust her mom to give care.


----------



## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

I think in your specific case, knowing what I know now, I would want my wife to say to me to just go out, but first get her plenty of water and paracetamol. Flu is miserable and debilitating (I've had it 3 times), but generally not life threatening.

I stayed home on several occasions to mind my wife in the past and the net result was eventually I wasn't asked to do anything anymore with work colleagues as I was the guy who always stayed home. Later on in our relationship she had no problem going out herself when I was sick. Now I will go out unless she is on her deathbed.


----------

