# Skeletons in the closet



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hi Folks,

I need to know if I made the right decision in telling my son something.

I hate to make this a long story but you need a little background.

This year my wife and I divorced after a twenty year marriage, we have two kids, 18 year old daughter and a 15 year old son. My ex moved out to be with her boyfriend leaving both the kids here with me. One of the many factors that caused us to get divorced was my ex'es drinking, she wasn't an alcoholic but she drank often and I always felt it was a poor example for the kids. Here is a little background on why I felt that way. I am a non drinker, but it wasn't always so. I grew up in a family of alcoholics and began drinking myself at a very young age, and I should say it was a family of bad drunks, violence was a constant. It wasn't just my parents, I had three brothers,18,16,14 years older than me, and they were/are all alcholics. 

Here is the skeleton in my closet. When I was 18 I caused an car accident that killed a man, I was drunk and drove left of center. Nothing I can ever do in my life can make up for what I did, and no one judge's me as hard as I judge myself, except for God. It was another three years before I finally stopped drinking all together, it has been 26 years since I have had a drink. 

When my ex moved out any booze she left I threw away, with the exception of two bottles of beer that I saved in case of company. Last night when I was putting things in the fridge I saw the beer was gone, my daughter has assured me many times that she will not drink and I have never had reason to doubt her. That leaves my son, I asked if he had taken it and he said no, I told him he needs to tell the truth or this will go badly for him if I find out he is lying. He than admitted he took it, it was in his room wrapped in an ice pack, so he had just taken it and was going to "try it" after I went to bed.

First thing is we poured the beer down the sink. We than sat on the couch and had a very long talk. No yelling, no threats, just talk. My kids know how I feel about drinking but they for the most part don't know all the details of how I have gotten to this point. My son is almost 16, he already has his temps and now is thinking about drinking. So I told him details of my child hood, and I dug out the newspaper article about the accident I caused and had him read it. After reading the article he kind of shut down, he didn't really want to talk any more. 

Now I wonder if I did the right thing or not, maybe because of the recent divorce he is to emotionally unsettled to handle that kind of news. At the moment I felt I needed any tool I could use to try and convince him of why he shouldn't drink, but now I wonder if I went to far. 

My daughter went to a counselor after the divorce but my son didn't want to so I let it go, and the counselor said not to force him. I asked him again last night if he wanted to talk to someone and he said no, should I just make an appointment and make him go?

I am sorry this ended up so long and I thank any of you who have taken the time to read through it.

Please, any advice would be appreciated,
Cooper


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Cooper said:


> no one judge's me as hard as I judge myself, except for God.


God doesn't judge you. It's time to forgive yourself and let go. You gave up drink, and that proves you have remorse. I salute your 26 years.

You did the right thing with your son. Give it time. Everything feels like chaos right now, but it will settle.


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

your son is still very young , he is almost certainly in shock you did the right thing .you just need to forgive yourself ..after all most people have things in the past they would rather forget .. well done for bringing up your children and for staying of the drink


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Thanks for your reply's. My son was back to normal today and I asked him if he was all right with what I had told him. He said it was very upsetting but now he understands me a little better, along with the accident I told him things about my child hood that he didn't know. We had a pretty good talk about decisions, choices and repercussions. He claims to understand but he is only 15, looking into the future just doesn't happen. I am very good at letting my kids feel the pain of their mistakes, to a certain point. But this one, the drinking, scares me to death. 

Cooper


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## Candice (May 29, 2009)

Cooper I really admire how you shared the accident with your son. It was a very powerful learning tool and now I am sure he will think twice before drinking and driving(drinking in general as well). Something good will come out of something bad. He probably only shut down because he had to process what he was told. He realized for the first time you, his parent, are human and make mistakes. Congrats on your sobriety.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I think your son is processing the information. I think you did the right thing. You listened to your heart and your instincts and sometimes that's all we can do as parents. Allow him to process the information (the accident and the divorcE) but keep a watchful eye. Try to spend time with him doing things you both enjoy together. Create a stronger bond. Its also time you forgive yourself. God has forgiven you. My heart goes out to you.


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