# 10 years of marriage, is this it?



## Sneeks (Jan 25, 2011)

Hello all! I found this forum and decided it was worth a shot to see if anyone can offer me some sound advice. Since my husband is pretty much unwilling to attend a marriage counselor. 

My husband and I met on AOL in 98' and have been married for 10 years (In May). 

We have no children, and have a pretty calm marriage. 

He is highly addicted to the internet, and pretty much blows me off every chance he gets. I can't remember the last time we went to bed at the same time. 

I have recently found myself looking for the things my husband doen't give me, in other guys. Conversation, attention... etc...

However, I don't want to throw a 10 year marriage away. 

When discussing things with my husband, he is really vague in what he wants for the future with me and his only reply is usually, "because I love you". 

I know he looks at me as his lover, but I sure don't see that in him. I love him as a friend, but I am not in love with him anymore. When he touches me, I feel nothing. Is there a way to rekindle this??

I love my husband to death!! I have always been pretty co-dependant, and worry about others thoughts and feelings before I address my own. 

We have talked about children in the past 13 years, but nothing every serious. When I ask him if he is interested his response is, "Its up to you". How do I read that???

I am beginning to think that having a child WAS our downfall. Perhaps a child would have brought a commonality to our marriage. Something to keep us going.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Kids don't magically make a marriage in trouble any better. You are better off not having them in order to make a decision to leave him easier (not that I'm suggesting that).

If he won't go to a marriage counselor, go alone and let him know you are going. It shows that YOU feel that this is important enough to address.

The counselor will give you help in either living with the situation, changing it for the better or getting out while you can.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Yeah kids dont help or make it better. You're lucky to be able to get the chance to work this out or move on (if need be) without the added hearts to hurt.

I think Chris Taylor gave you good advice if you want to keep what you have while you have it.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

Sneeks said:


> Hello all! I found this forum and decided it was worth a shot to see if anyone can offer me some sound advice. Since my husband is pretty much unwilling to attend a marriage counselor.
> 
> My husband and I met on AOL in 98' and have been married for 10 years (In May).
> 
> ...


NO NO NO NO NO!!! My husband sounds very much like yours. Would rather play games on the internet than be a part of the marriage. Refuses to go to bed with me and pretty much told me he does not want sex. 

Early in the marriage this sort of stuff happened and I thought having children would help fix it, would make him want to be a better husband and father. Nope all it did was make more work for me since now I have to take care of children while he still plays internet games and now that I am so ready to leave him having to provide for children makes divorce so much more harder. I'm pretty much stuck in the marriage till I find a better job and make enough to support myself and two kids. 

I know you do not want to walk away after 10 years, I'm going on 15 years with my husband. And I want for our marriage to work out, but I also know that it takes two people willing to fix a marriage and I know that my husband has no desire to work on the marriage.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

have you sat down with him and told him how you feel,even that your not sure you may still be in love with him?
if not,i think you should,tell him your thinking of moving on if he doesnt participate in the marriage.
do not have kids,it will make things worse.and if he does seem to do better after you talk to him,make sure the changes will stick for quite awhile before bringing babies into the marriage.


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## Sneeks (Jan 25, 2011)

Thanks for everyones replies.

Yes I have told him a lot how I feel. He makes note that he knows I am not happy. Yet claims that he is. 

I suggested an open marriage. He's too old fashioned. 

I will throw out there that we are each others firsts, in almost every way. Times have changed, and so has my tastes in men and outlooks on life.

I thought maybe a breather would be nice, instead of throwing it all in and going straight for divorce.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

Sneeks said:


> Thanks for everyones replies.
> 
> Yes I have told him a lot how I feel. He makes note that he knows I am not happy. Yet claims that he is.
> 
> ...


well it seems he is saying yea,i know your not happy but i am.if he is not doing anything to change the way your relationship is to make you both happy maybe separating will help put a shock in him to wake up and do something about it.
i dont like divorce and it seems like your not ready to give up all the way yet,so separting for a couple months might help you both if your goal is to work on the marriage.i would talk to him again though before separating and tell him that he seems to not want to make the changes nessasary to make both of you happy and that your thinking of leaving,maybe that will be all that is needed for him to step up


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## tamtam (Jan 25, 2011)

Same here, married for 10 years, got 2 kids. He said, 'up to you', when we had the first child, which I understand now, it means he is not involved with anything. I did all the feeding, bathing, nappy, drop off, pick up etc.; and he spent every single possible minute at home on the internet or computer games. We had a good chat later and found out that he was complaining that I dont spend time with him.

Relationship kind of restored and we had a second child. However, things just got worst since then. Just 2 hours after I delivered our second child, he said, 'do you need anything from me, if not I am going back home.' I can still remember the tone that he used and the look on his face. Since then, we had the minimal communication, and I am thinking of a separation now.

My point is, children doesnt help at all, just makes things complicated. Good communication helps while you still can.


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## farmboy (Jan 27, 2011)

Hi, just signed up and giving my first reply.

I can see myself as the husband you talk of. But before you all get your pitch forks out for a husband roasting party, ask yourself, do I really know my husband is this way?

Though, we talk about how things will be, my wife and I serve different roles. I am expected to be stable and be the perfect husband, father, employee and Christ centered person. I expect that my wife should try as hard. Dog gone it, real life is not equal, and you deal with it.

When you may hear 'up to you', I hear 'should I really put you up to this'. When I read 'do you need anything from me, if not I am going back home'. I hear 'I will be here for you, but I really haven't prepared enough at home - how much time do I got'.

For both of my children, I stood at their warming table, staring at them and wondering if I really am worthy and can I live up to the expectations. Its probably the most grounding thoughts I ever had. Yes, My wife gave birth, but it does not mean that I sat on the sidelines watching the outcome of a game. I was exhausted of the experience and could not feel heavier of the responsibly.


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## Figuring it out (Jan 28, 2011)

No pitchfork here Farmboy, but don't claim to be so exhausted after your wife just squeezed out the kid - just because you are overcome with emotions of inadequacy. Believe me, your wife felt the same terror when she realized that she is the sole mother figure in your kid's lives...big responsibility, and one that you obviously don't take lightly. I appreciate that.

But, I have to agree, partially with Farmboy. It's tough to be in a marriage for 10 years and then look around and realize that you have missed out on the fun of trying on the dating scene because you settled down too quickly. But Farmboy makes a good point. Guys think differently. They say one thing and most of the time mean EXACTLY what they say. Most of the time, my husband isn't being cute when he says that he is leaving work early. He is doing just that. Leaving work early. Now if I said I was leaving work early, that may mean I'd stop at the grocery store, or straighten up the house when I got home, or any of the million things that wives do to keep the ship afloat - but he just leaves work early. See the difference?

Could you simply be wishing him to be more than he is capable of? Video games and early to bed may be the best he can offer.

And don't always think the grass is greener. It could be a lot worse.

Best of luck!


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