# FB PM -- how to respond?



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I don't go on FB very often anymore, especially since I'm trying to avoid contact or reminders of STBXH. But I did today to look for a photo I posted a while back. I was shocked to see I had a PM from a co-worker who is leaving in a few days, professing his feelings for me. I had no clue. He is married with two kids. He said he felt OK to tell me because we'd probably never see each other again, but...we will be seeing each other for the rest of the week.

How do I respond to this? It's obvious to anyone that looks at my page that sometimes a week or two will go by without me getting on. So, can I take the chicken way out and just not say anything til after he's really gone?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well you'll likely act differently and/or he will ask if you read what he wrote

best to quash it ASAP

I feel sorry for his wife


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I know. Me, too. They're moving because she got transferred. I really hope things work out for them. I feel horrible and guilty and I haven't even done anything!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

no need to feel guilty, it wasn't your fault unless you were flashing him on purpose or something


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Delete it. Ignore it. Nothing good to come from it.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> no need to feel guilty, it wasn't your fault unless you were flashing him on purpose or something



Well, there was that time... No, no there wasn't.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Or better yet send a snapshot over to the wife and tell her that you don't welcome her husband's attention, you don't have to feel guilty about the entire incident at all.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You don't have to respond at all. 

Or you could tell him "Respect your wife and don't flirt with me."

This is how emotional affairs start...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'd probably write back something like, "I don't appreciate this and I'm sure your wife wouldn't either."

Done.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Don't worry, JB -- there is absolutely nothing mutual going on here. Like I said -- took me totally by surprise. If he'd told me in person, I'd have been standing there open-mouthed & dumb-founded.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I'd probably write back something like, "I don't appreciate this and I'm sure your wife wouldn't either."
> 
> Done.


Zing! I like this response.



angelpixie said:


> Don't worry, JB -- there is absolutely nothing mutual going on here.


I know. I was just pointing out how easy these things start.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'd probably respond back "I could never be with someone who approached me while still married. Does your wife know?"

This is one stupid man.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In reality though I'd probably just ignore it. LOL

I'm not really into confrontations.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> He said he felt OK to tell me because we'd probably never see each other again, but...we will be seeing each other for the rest of the week.


Coward was probably hoping to get one romp in with you before he left. Now he doesn't have to face you (after this week) after getting shot down.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You know he is feeling like a dumba$$ too. 

I think it's almost more cruel not to respond (in a good way). Cause now he's going to be sweating and wondering if you are going to show that to anyone else or share it with his wife.

::cackles::


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'd ignore it.I don't like calling people out on their emotions.his feelings are not your problem. and i agree with what JB said "now he's going to be sweating and wondering if you are going to show that to anyone else or share it with his wife"


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

find a local sex addicts anonymous chapter
get the next meeting time and place

email him back and tell him you will meet him at that time and place


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

I bet he feels foolish n all. Angel ignore him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

It will show when you read the message. To me that would be the only awkward thing. Knowing that he knows you know......


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> Coward was probably hoping to get one romp in with you before he left. Now he doesn't have to face you (after this week) after getting shot down.


i agree with this angel.
i think he was just trying to get a little something before he left.

i think i would be torn between just not saying anything and letting his wife know.
after all, that is what seems to be pushed on this board quit often, exposure.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would totally ignore it and behave as though I hadn't received it. After this week, you won't have to see him again.

I feel sorry for his wife...


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I'd go with a simple reply to kill this - "Do not contact me again." If not, you're going to get a "Did you get my message?" message from him. And another...and then maybe a "Why won't you reply to me?" message. He's probably up for a long-distance EA, with a hook-up now and then.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> I'd go with a simple reply to kill this - "Do not contact me again." If not, you're going to get a "Did you get my message?" message from him. And another...and then maybe a "Why won't you reply to me?" message. He's probably up for a long-distance EA, with a hook-up now and then.


To which I would reply: "We're both married, and I didn't want to dignify your message with a response."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

... or "My husband got a kick out of your email. Thanks for the laugh."


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

How about "I hope it's obvious to you how inappropriate your message is. I will pray that God helps you fix your marriage."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WillK said:


> How about "I hope it's obvious to you how inappropriate your message is. I will pray that God helps you fix your marriage."


... or just "I hope it's obvious to you how inappropriate your message is. I will pray that God helps you fix you"

:rofl:


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ... or "My husband got a kick out of your email. Thanks for the laugh."


and im sure you wife will too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> and im sure you wife will too.


Yeah! Hahaha! :smthumbup:

Goodness, who knew so many of us TAMers could write really dark Hallmark cards!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm sure if you unfriended him he'd get the message... along with a NO THANKS as a response.

Some people have cajones the size of coconuts.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Angel -- Can life get any more stranger for you ??

Hope you are well !!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Poor angel. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

It now shows when someone reads the message. I'd respond something to the tune of, "Thanks for the flattery, however if you're unhappy in your marriage you should work on fixing it with your wife, not someone else."


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

jh52 said:


> Angel -- Can life get any more stranger for you ??
> 
> Hope you are well !!





Gaia said:


> Poor angel. :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I know! There's a totally hot divorced guy two cubicles over. Why couldn't it have been him?!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I know! There's a totally hot divorced guy two cubicles over. Why couldn't it have been him?!


he obviously has not a brain.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lol I agree with 2nd.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Gaia said:


> Lol I agree with 2nd.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yeah, 2 cubicals wouldnt be nearly enough to keep me away.
its taken several states...so far


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

YES, SQUASH SQUASH SQUASH!!!!
I deem this inappropriate! 
(as do you) Which is an even more awesome sign of the type of woman you are...CYBER HIGH FIVE!!!!!!

What would you say to him? Any thoughts yet?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ew. That's kinda creepy, that he's thought this way for a while and you had no idea.

I would seriously send it to his wife. When he strikes out with you he'll just try somewhere else. She should know. Poor woman


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Honestly, I’ve got no answer for you. But it could be more complex than you believe...

At some point, most BS’s question their ‘attractiveness’ stemming from a fear that they have somehow ‘lost it’. And unfortunately, because you’ve been traumatized by it, unlike ‘normal people’ just sound-boarding looking for some sign of attraction toward you is scary. Like if you admit you are attracted toward another, that MUST mean you are open to adultery... gasp!

So, does he know your STBXH cheated on you? Do you know if he’s also experienced being a BS? If both are yes’s, it may just be him reaching out hoping someone would tell him he’s attractive and somewhat ‘foggy’ in thinking maybe it might be something you’d want to hear at this point in your life as well. So, he picked a ‘safe time’ to tell you since he’s leaving forever and it’d make it impossible to have a adulterous relationship... So I’d guess I’d just take it as a complement and move on. Because of the timing, I would seriously doubt he is expecting any sort of relationship to bloom from his confession.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Actually, he does know about STBXH. He's not married to the mother of his first child (though he has total custody) and I know the break-up was messy, but I'm not sure what went down. 
You may have something there, Racer. He didn't actually 'ask' for anything from me (though, don't get me wrong, I know it's inappropriate). He was very complimentary to me, and said he noticed I'd seemed sad lately. He hoped things worked out for me and that I not give up for the future. 
I kind of agree that he thought he'd just get it 'out there' before he left, in a misguided attempt at...something. He doesn't put down his wife at all and was telling another co-worker and I how nice he thought she'd look with a new haircut she's considering.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Actually, he does know about STBXH. He's not married to the mother of his first child (though he has total custody) and I know the break-up was messy, but I'm not sure what went down.
> You may have something there, Racer. He didn't actually 'ask' for anything from me (though, don't get me wrong, I know it's inappropriate). He was very complimentary to me, and said he noticed I'd seemed sad lately. He hoped things worked out for me and that I not give up for the future.
> I kind of agree that he thought he'd just get it 'out there' before he left, in a misguided attempt at...something. He doesn't put down his wife at all and was telling another co-worker and I how nice he thought she'd look with a new haircut she's considering.


Sounds like my STBXH...he talks about me all the time at work and positively at that. 

And b/c he does that, he feels its ok to cross boundaries. He doesn't see it as crossing boundaries b/c he talks about me all the time in a positive way so in his mind it is ok to engage other women.

And I'm not guessing he feels that way, I know he does. He was trying to explain how he doesn't cross boundaries at work during one of our many conversations before I moved out.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

ok, well scratch FB off the list of ways to approach you. back to the drawing board. 

AP, i'm in the minority in saying not to ignore it. Certainly you didn't ask for it but it could be that this guy is just doesn't know how to properly express things and has run out of time. I think you put him down like an old dog and not feel like you have to avoid him for the next week.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Angel, what exactly were the feelings he professed for you? Romantic interest? Lust? Kindness?

Maybe it is beyond your boundaries, but is it reasonable he was just trying to leave you a friendly good-bye, take care?

Or if instead you a certain he was trying to pursue sex with you before leaving, oughten his W should know he's a dog?

If that is what he was going for I'd tell him to focus on his marriage and carbon copy his W the message.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It's weird -- almost like he was just telling me he had a crush on me or something. He complimented my looks, and said he would have talked to me more except (and I'm _really_ embarrassed to say this) that I made his heart pound and his voice would leave him.  Then he told me I was a good woman and a great mother, and the part I mentioned earlier about seeming sad lately and wishing me well. That's it. Nothing about sex or getting together or anything like that. I feel terrible that he's married, but on the other hand, I don't want to make this to be something worse than it is, on the other (third?) hand, what if he does this to someone at the next place? That's why I'm so confused.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You have THREE hands? wow no wonder guys are flocking to you, I can imagine some good uses for that 

He was pretty passive sounding... like he was fishing, he will probably have to fish a long time. I'd say not your problem, don't worry about what other women in other places may do... if I were you (and not busy playing with my three hands all day) it would just be his W my concern would be for... I'd keep the fb message saved and not reply to it, if this guy escalates then I may want to send the messages to his W.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I don't go on FB very often anymore, especially since I'm trying to avoid contact or reminders of STBXH. But I did today to look for a photo I posted a while back. I was shocked to see I had a PM from a co-worker who is leaving in a few days, professing his feelings for me. I had no clue. He is married with two kids. He said he felt OK to tell me because we'd probably never see each other again, but...we will be seeing each other for the rest of the week.
> 
> How do I respond to this? It's obvious to anyone that looks at my page that sometimes a week or two will go by without me getting on. So, can I take the chicken way out and just not say anything til after he's really gone?


He is married with two kids. Leave it alone, you don't want to be a home wrecker.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

DayDream said:


> He is married with two kids. Leave it alone, you don't want to be a home wrecker.


lol
i dont think she was asking how to respond in that way.
i think she has way too much respect for relationships and herself to put herself in that position.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> It's weird -- almost like he was just telling me he had a crush on me or something. He complimented my looks, and said he would have talked to me more except (and I'm _really_ embarrassed to say this) that I made his heart pound and his voice would leave him.  Then he told me I was a good woman and a great mother, and the part I mentioned earlier about seeming sad lately and wishing me well. That's it. Nothing about sex or getting together or anything like that. I feel terrible that he's married, but on the other hand, I don't want to make this to be something worse than it is, on the other (third?) hand, what if he does this to someone at the next place? That's why I'm so confused.


I stand by my suggestion, it works whether the message was innocent or otherwise because it wishes him well if he is being complimentary without anything further intended..

At the same time, the way I've heard that if a nurse has to deal with a male disrobed patient and he has an erection, she just gives it a flick and it'll go flacid. Mentioning God and a marriage to someone flirting outside of marriage - probably the same effect.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> It's weird -- almost like he was just telling me he had a crush on me or something. He complimented my looks, and said he would have talked to me more except (and I'm _really_ embarrassed to say this) that I made his heart pound and his voice would leave him.  Then he told me I was a good woman and a great mother, and the part I mentioned earlier about seeming sad lately and wishing me well. That's it. Nothing about sex or getting together or anything like that. I feel terrible that he's married, but on the other hand, I don't want to make this to be something worse than it is, on the other (third?) hand, what if he does this to someone at the next place? That's why I'm so confused.


Seems like he's fishing angel.Could be waiting for your response to see if you took the bait.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Well, I chose to just ignore it, and he was out sick yesterday. Whew, right? Wrong. Opened my email today to see a notification of a new message from him on FB. He apologized if he was too forward, and said he usually likes to tell people how he feels about them when he likes them, but then ends up thinking he should have kept his mouth shut. So I think he's embarrassed. Now might be a good time to just nicely tell him that I didn't answer because under the circumstances (like his being married and all ) I _was_ uncomfortable.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

*He apologized if he was too forward, *
If? So that wasn't an actual apology. Still fishing, I guess.

*said he usually likes to tell people how he feels about them when he likes them,* 
He's married, but he usually likes to tell women when he's hot for them?

*but then ends up thinking he should have kept his mouth shut. *
Yes, maybe he should. He is an expert playa, or just pathetic. Or both.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

how much longer do you have to deal with him being around?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Tomorrow's his last day.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

angelpixie said:


> Well, I chose to just ignore it, and he was out sick yesterday.
> 
> He apologized if he was too forward, and said he usually likes to tell people how he feels about them when he likes them, but then ends up thinking he should have kept his mouth shut..


Sounds like he is fishing this round.. Because you didn’t respond to the first, he got insecure and unsure of your reaction. So now he’s playing the ‘stupid me’ card hoping you’ll respond and open up communication. And just think... You are about to. And since you are probably human, you’ll reassure him that he isn’t stupid, just inappropriate and maybe open up the discussion for how he might have handled it. This ploy will give him another opportunity... Maybe he’ll ask you for a coffee date to talk about it, how uncomfortable it is, and how to express feelings. What I’m guessing he’s after is for you tell him he’s a great guy... He may not be looking for an affair, but I’m guessing he’s looking for some validation. A healthy person gives a complement freely without thinking there needs to be any followup or justification. He sounds somewhat insecure with himself.

Either don’t respond, or keep it really short like ‘no problem’ (take on a disinterested in him tone). If he continues conversations, just tell him “not interested” and remove him from your friends list.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I like the don't respond suggestion of racer... leave him in the dark, see what he does. It will be a useful learning exercise I think.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Why don't you just FB block him? I think he'd get the point.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Will that stop the PMs, too?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

angelpixie said:


> Will that stop the PMs, too?


A block will.... Just removing from friends won't though.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I decided to respond. Knowing what little of him that I do, I don't think he totally realizes how serious this is. I'm not the crawl-down-his-throat Amazon type, so sorry if this sounds wimpy. I think it still gets the point across. Here's what I wrote:

Xxxx -- I'm not sure how to write this. Thank you for the nice things you said about me, and I appreciate that you like being honest with people, but...it makes me extremely uncomfortable hearing these things from a married man, who also happens to have 2 adorable kids. With the situation I'm going through now, I can't help but put myself in R's place, thinking how she'd feel if she saw your message. Because I actually was in that situation a couple of times, and it's crushingly painful. I don't know what else to say other than I hope [new city] turns out to be a good fit for you, R, and the kiddos. And I wish the best for your marriage, too. -- AP



I realize that it kind of could be interpreted that she may end up seeing the message after all, and hopefully, that serves the purpose of scaring him.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

As Hunter would say..."Works for me!" Seriously though it sounds fine to me and it looks like you covered all the bases.I wouldn't be worried too much more about it,as by this time tomorrow night his tail lights will have pretty much faded from view.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

That was a good reply, AP. Nothing wimpy about it.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

I think it was very well written -- and I hope he gets the real marriage about his marriage.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

His reply- 

So you're saying that there's a chance!!


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

What he did was inappropriate. I would show it to a boss and make sure he is not working near you for the next week. I would then either unfriend him or just delete your account, fb is a giant pain in the bum anyway. He owes you an apology, but I understand it might be uncomfortable for you to silicate that. I would certainly avoid him. Wow! What did his wife think of a post like that?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I doubt she knows. I'm hoping this makes him at least think of the possible ramifications before he does this again.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I doubt she knows. I'm hoping this makes him at least think of the possible ramifications before he does this again.


Probably not


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