# How does one "let go" & not worry?



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

My hubby & son both say that I worry "way too much". And self-admittedly, I am a worrier.

But, How do you "turn it off"?

Kid (19) is doing stoopid stuff I don't agree with now. Hubby is fine with it. Mostly, I am very worried about my kid. I worry when he's late for work, I worry when he doesn't come home right after.... But I worry about hubby too. I worry when hubby is out way too late.. (like, he is trying to 'escape' me).

But, how does one just let their kid grow up & make their own mistakes? What if I have to pay the consequences of his errors in judgement? Yes, kid is trying to cut the apron strings.. has for many years now. I'm trying to oblige him. But I am not ready emotionally for him to be adult. I know he is not ready to be out on his own yet. I know I have not prepared him to face all the problems that life will be throwing him. 

Yes, I have been a horrid parent. I know that. But, how do I just "turn off" the worry? A friend has told me.... there's really not much I can do about it. He can walk out & leave & never say another word to me ever again, and I can do nothing about it. She said, actually he could have done that at 16 or 17. That even at that point, I would have no control over it.

Has anyone successfully gotten over being a "worry-wart" about their kids? Will I be doomed to always feel a dark cloud hanging over my kid, just ready to pounce on him & that I will not be there or be able to help him? 

Is there a trigger somewhere in the brain that can "turn off" worry emotions?


----------



## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

You can take medication for this. See your doctor. People that worry all the time usually worry about things that they don't have any control over. So your worrying may be more of a control issue.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your son is an adult. You can worry yourself sick, but only he can get his butt to work on time. If he doesn't, he will get to experience the consequences and will (hopefully) learn from it. Your mom doesn't lay out your clothes and wake you up in time to meet your obligations. She doesn't pay your bills. You learned to stand on your own two feet and that's a gift you owe your son, too. He will stumble. He might take a lump or two. He'll get up as a man. That's been the plan all along...for you to take a helpless infant and make a man that's worth something. He doesn't have to be and do everything in a manner that pleases you. He has to find his own path and make his own way. Encourage him, pray for him, but let him make his own mistakes and grow from them. You probably made some mistakes and you're still here.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

My wife still worries about our kids, including our 33 year old (who, admittedly, needs a lot of worrying about).

As long as it doesn't interfere with your relationship with your husband, it should be OK. But with my wife, if she gets a call from my son during the day there is no chance of a normal relationship with her that night, and there's where the problem lies.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

You will always be his mother, but it is time to stop being mommy. 

An example... My MIL is about 85 years old. Her son is over 60. SHe still pays his bills, of course using his money. He has no concept of it. I doubt she will out live him, so he will be totally lost when she dies. Your son needs to learn to take responsibility NOW.


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Childhood is supposed to be a transition not a permanent state. When they're teenagers, you start letting go a piece at a time until they're ready to be out on their own. 

It was really, really hard to see my girls leave for college. I no longer talk to them or text them every day. I have to have faith that I raised smart girls who can take care of themselves and make good decisions. The rest is out of all of our control. If they fail out of school, get knocked up then those are their choices and they will have to work them out on their own. 

It does sound like you might have some anxiety that would be good to seek out some counseling to address.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

You said it yourself: "you are not ready emotionally for him to be an adult." What was your relationship with your mother like?

And worry equals fear in this case. What are you afraid of?

My wife has your worry problem, too. Intellectually she knows that she has to let our children fail in order to grow and become self-sufficient yet she can't bring herself to let them do that. She has excuses for rescuing them, but it's just counter-productive in the long run.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

You can't prepare your kids for everything. You can teach them how to think for themselves and make good decisions. 

What makes you think you're a horrible parent? Over-protective isn't horrible if that's what you're thinking.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> But I am not ready emotionally for him to be adult.


This sentence is key. So when do you think you'd be ready? When he's 25, 30, 40...never?

At the core of this is fear. So what is your worst case scenario that you have playing in your head?


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Yes.. it's fear. I fear everything will go horridly wrong for him.

ie: Loses his job... throws him to depression.. won't talk about depression... and he gives up on life.

Horrid parent as in- over protective. Not letting him "learn" for himself. 

I'm Somewhat of the rescuer, but mostly I'm worried that he will get into a situation that I can't help him out of . (ie, financially) If he gets into a wreck. & I know he doesn't have the damage deductible... I know I don't have it either. He's not the best driver, so when He goes to the neighboring town to visit his friends.... I worry b/c I cannot control the traffic situation.. I cannot afford for him to be in a wreck.

Oh.. the list could go on forever. But I don't know if I worry more, to make up for hubby's lack of concern.. I mean, he's more of the "oh well" attitude & we'll cross that bridge when it comes.. Never planning financially for Jr to go to college, for us to retire. Heck we haven't been on vacation for years & years... whenever we even have a tiny bit of something saved, it gets spent on "needed" truck improvements.. THen when we have a car breakdown.. it's struggle & borrow, to pay for it. I'm also worried that son will just follow dad's lead & never try to save for anything.

I realize this is his first job, his first 3 months of ever earning a fair share of anything... And I can understand an early phase of getting all the toys he couldn't get from dad & me with our financial structure.. But say.. after a year, I expect him to be able to save money, so that he "CAN" move out on his own someday.

Maybe so he "CAN" take some college courses someday. But, that, I know, he has to want to do. He will only put his effort into it, if it was totally his own idea.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I mean, I am "letting go" of some things. I do realize that the kid has to make his own decisions. And I am letting him.

BUT I still "worry". Ie- he was late for work this morning. So, I worry what his boss will say. Worry if he will lose his job (3rd time late in 3 months). This is a minimum wage, high turnover job. (Gas station). They have droves of applications, just waiting for the spot. It took him "forever" to find the job. 

It's more than just his job. I just plain can't turn off the "worry". I don't see how hubby can just shrug his shoulder & say "Jr will take care of it, if it comes to that."


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Are you worrying more to make up for hubby's lack of concern or is he worrying less to make up for your excessive worrying! Neither, probably. Are those qualities that drew you two together maybe?

How many times has your son driven to visit his friends? Has he been successful 50, 100, 200 times? Unsuccessful how many? You shouldn't assume the worst when the facts say otherwise - it's not a good approach. 

Your son knows he's loved, right? The overprotectiveness is something he probably finds frustrating but not horrible. You're being too hard on yourself.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Yes, he is very frustrated with my overprotective thoughts.

But hasn't moved out yet.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I hate to be harsh, but it is likely going to be a time when he will have nothing to do with you. I mother was like that, and I have written her off completely.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> My hubby & son both say that I worry "way too much". And self-admittedly, I am a worrier.
> 
> But, How do you "turn it off"?
> 
> ...


I'm not hands-off but opposite of you. Try to ask yourself every time you find yourself getting too wound up, "what would happen if I don't interfere"? So he gets fired. He'll get another job, he'll realize the importance of timeliness and next time he'll make it a priority to be on time. 

You can't TEACH that - he has to LEARN that. He will not learn everything in life he needs to know from you - he has to learn a lot on his own. Like sex. You aren't going to show him how to do THAT. He's probably already learned on his own!

Worry about things that have life and death consequences or irreparable outcomes - such as drinking and driving. Most things don't have permanent consequences. Felonies - etc. that's a big deal. Even pretty big mistakes like dropping out of school, can be fixed. Eventually people learn the consequences of their choices. 

If you don't let him learn, you'll cripple him into being dependent on you or hate your hovering and interfering and not have a relationship with you as he gets older. It is our job as parents to create independent, contributing members of society. That's it. The rest is on them.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> (ie, financially) If he gets into a wreck. & I know he doesn't have the damage deductible... I know I don't have it either. He's not the best driver, so when He goes to the neighboring town to visit his friends.... I worry b/c I cannot control the traffic situation.. I cannot afford for him to be in a wreck.


I realize it's easy for me to save but that's not your problem. If he wrecks the car and can't afford the deductible he won't have a car until he can save it up. 

If you continually bail him out of trouble you won't be helping him in the long run. Try to think of it as leaving him to learn essential life skills for the day you're no longer there. 

The really amazing part is more often than not our kids surprise us and don't turn into the total wrecks we fear they will become. All the worrying turns out to have been a lot of wasted energy.


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

If you are unable to stop devoting a large portion of your time to worrying, it may be an anxiety disorder. 

I would strongly suggest seeking out individual counseling for some help on how to break this cycle.


----------



## ngonza (Nov 8, 2012)

Iam a worry about everything person..I worry about my 18 getting home late wondering where he is when he don't call home. I worry about my marriage and the moment i start imagining things I get butterflies and start to worry more. I dont need medication it just my personality and i deal with it on my own.. I kinda just talk to myself and ask God to help me through my miserable days of worrying and to move on to the next. For some it's natural for others..it's just you being a worryward...Like me:smthumbup:


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Just because your child is an adult doesn't mean you will ever stop worrying about them, You will always be their mother.. You just can't let it drive you insane.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, here's a good link for a free anxiety/depression program. CBT is a good way of learning to control our thoughts.

https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Like sex. You aren't going to show him how to do THAT. He's probably already learned on his own!


lol... okay I get the point.

No, I wouldn't teach him HOW to do it. But we have had our talks about safe sex, condoms, etc. According to him he's still a virgin. (Just mentioned it the other day). He seemed pretty indignant when I asked about a possible STD... "Mom! I'm still a VIRGIN!" .. So, I kinda think he's not lying there. 

Yes, He will learn that on his own & I've told him I don't condone it outside of a faithful long term monogamous relationship.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> The really amazing part is more often than not our kids surprise us and don't turn into the total wrecks we fear they will become. All the worrying turns out to have been a lot of wasted energy.


God, I hope so.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> OP, here's a good link for a free anxiety/depression program. CBT is a good way of learning to control our thoughts.
> 
> https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome


Thanks Cosmos... Looking into the site.

From the FAQ section.. looks like it might be a good link to send to son as well. (One of the things I don't agree with hubby about is concern over depressive episodes from son.)


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Well... the big huge fear has come.

He went to look at a house with his best friend & one of bf's buddies. (Son doesn't know this other guy.)... They are looking at sharing it for renting.. 
I mean.... The kid is only 19 & hasn't even had a part time job for 3 months yet!... He is NOT realistic on him being able to afford this! I ask him what would they do if he got suspended for a week without pay? (has already happened once at his job). If he got fired? What would he do if one of them couldn't pay their share of bills?? 

He is SO illogical about how much he does not pay for with day to day living expenses. Arrrrrr... again, here comes the worry wheel, spinning round & round in my head. (Where it stops nobody knows.)


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> Yes, he is very frustrated with my overprotective thoughts.
> 
> But hasn't moved out yet.


I can't advise how to stop worrying. I'm also not a parent.

What I have seen though, is this type of dynamic and behaviour has a good chance of him potentially wanting to keep you at a distance. 

Imagine if you trusted in him. Imagine if you let go of your own fears, and potential guilt (you wrote you had been a horrid parent), and instead started being the type of adult mentor that he could benefit from. None of your fears or perceived failings are his problem. What does a good mentor look like to you? What kind of behaviour would they display? How would they help your son on his journey? 

I moved out of home at 18/19 with my boyfriend. My mom wasn't emotionally ready for it. She told me if I moved out, she wouldn't speak to me again. Know what I did? I moved out without hesitation. I knew I needed to start my life as a young adult. I knew that I had to risk her relationship to do what I needed for myself. That boyfriend is now my husband. I likely would have moved out at the time even if I hadn't met him because the timing was right for ME emotionally. 

My mom and I have a close relationship - even if she still phones me randomly because she's worried that I might not have paid a bill on time or something... I laugh it off. I remind her I'm an adult, and she needs to let it go. At the same time, I love her. 

What a different experience my moving out would have been if she'd been supportive and guided me into that part of my life. Her fears were not my problem.


----------

