# Forgive and forget??



## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Hi! I just found out my husband of 14 yrs was having an affair. The PA had only been going on for several weeks vs. months I was told and not sure how long the EA part because he had an affair with a very good friend of mine. NOt only does she babysit my child several days a week, we are a close knit group of friends who go out, see each other all the time, vacation together. My hubby golfed with her hubby, etc. So, this hurt and messed up many people. The day the affair was discovered by her hubby it ended. My husband has not seen her since nor spoke to her besides that morning. There has been no communication, of that I am confident.

So here is where I am at. The moment I found out, besides being physically ill, all I wanted was my hubby and my marriage. We had been having issues and had grown apart and were dealing with financial struggles, raising two small children, etc. He explained he kept trying to reconnect with me and I just pushed him away. We fought alot. He was so lonely and couldn't understand why I didnt' love him anymore (so he thought) that he started talking with her her depth, etc. Not sure how it started besides she made the first move and kissed him first. He admits he was so lonely and starved for attention (we rarely had sex) and didn't think I loved him anymore. He thought when I found out I would be relieved. Quite the opposite. He was amazed and thrilled that I still loved him. We missed each other so much and have been closer this past week than we have been in years. We've rekindled our passion and love life - I had forgotten how much I ENJOYED it/him and how desperately I missed it. We are scheduled to see a counselor in a couple weeks. (I have asked many times and he would never go.) What he did was wrong, completely, but I am glad to have my husband and US back! Is that wrong?

My other dilema is her betrayal as a friend. I used to speak with this woman several times a day! So I am so hurt and can't understand why she would/could do that to me. I can only talk about this with 2 other mutual friends since we are trying to keep all this quiet as both of us know MANY people and we are both working to save our marriages so don't want it out there. Only the other close couple knows and talks to both of us. I also made the mistake of telling my 1 sister (who is 6 weeks post partum) because I needed somewhere to take my son while I was at work and didn't know what to do. I shouldn't have done that because she is so enraged and vows to support me but can tell she is pissed at how I am acting. The other woman did call me this week to apologize to me. Hoping that I can find it in my heart to someday forgive her. That she loves me as a sister, etc. 

I am just a mix of emotions! Is it wrong of me to just want to forgive and forget? I mean I can't forget for a while and while I have forgiven my husband, I am not at the point to forgive her. My husband and I had issues, I know that and some are very much my fault. But she and I did not. 

Any advice???????


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Honey, that is NO friend. You may believe you can forgive and forget, but I don't know of anyone who ever FORGOT. I am sorry for your pain and I am sure it will get a bit easier with the passage of time. I have no idea who started this affair, and it doesn't really even matter because your husband and your *"friend"* are equally responsible. How is her husband reacting to this?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

mommy2 said:


> So here is where I am at. The moment I found out, besides being physically ill, all I wanted was my hubby and my marriage. We had been having issues and had grown apart and were dealing with financial struggles, raising two small children, etc. He explained he kept trying to reconnect with me and I just pushed him away. We fought alot. He was so lonely and couldn't understand why I didnt' love him anymore (so he thought) that he started talking with her her depth, etc. Not sure how it started besides she made the first move and kissed him first. He admits he was so lonely and starved for attention (we rarely had sex) and didn't think I loved him anymore. He thought when I found out I would be relieved. Quite the opposite. He was amazed and thrilled that I still loved him. We missed each other so much and have been closer this past week than we have been in years. We've rekindled our passion and love life - I had forgotten how much I ENJOYED it/him and how desperately I missed it. We are scheduled to see a counselor in a couple weeks. (I have asked many times and he would never go.) What he did was wrong, completely, but I am glad to have my husband and US back! Is that wrong?


I can totally relate to most of this, so if you are wrong, than so am I 

Yes, what he did was completely wrong, but he is human...the real deal is that you both acknowledged the marriage was not in a good place prior to this and both want to change that and are actively doing so...your marriage and kids are worth it and I think you are absolutely doing the right things...it's been 2 years for us and still going strong 

Your friend is probably feeling guilty and probably misses your friendship...to me, that is the price she pays for getting involved with your husband and that is her burden to bear. In my case it was a woman from his work, so not someone I would ever consider a friendship with, but over time I could look at her situation with empathy as well and have that forgiving feeling...it helps to let go of the anger and move on. I saw her for the first time at his office holiday party and the following year and will again this year, but I ignore/avoid her...just what works for me...In your case, you may want to let some time pass before you decide what to do about her....emotions can be pretty up and down for a while...I think I'd be inclined to permantly ban her from my friend list, but that's just me


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

TO Foolz1,

My husband is reaction to this is of how sorry he is, so sorry he gave up on us and went that route. Regretful because he thought I didn't love him anymore, etc. He's putting everything he has into making our marriage work, tells me daily he'll give 110% and knows he can't take back what he did, said it was selfish, but will spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me. So thankful that I am willing to work on our marriage, that I still love him, etc.

For the record, my hubby started talking to her about our problems. (again we were friends, I talked to her spouse at time too, etc.) SHE initiated the physcial aspect. He was shocked by her kiss and left he said. But eventually gave in to lust. (basically he wasn't getting it here.) NOT right, but the truth. My hubby is a person who can be easily influenced at times. So, she was talking to me and talking to him so knew exactly what buttons to push to get him to cave.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Swedish,

Thank you, it's encouraging to hear you have made it through and that your marriage continues to thrive. It gives me hope!


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

You can look at my post under the reconcilliation section for the whole story, but I can totally understand your feelings toward you H. It takes work, and some days are good and some are bad, but the bad get farther between, and eventually, if you can both focus FORWARD rather than looking into the past, it is possible to come out of this stronger than before. Thats what my H and I have done, and honestly, the place we are in our marriage NOW, is the BEST place we have ever been! 
As for your friend, give it time, give it distance and then sort that out. Your main focus now is YOUR marriage and YOUR friendship with your husband. Let her deal with her own issues.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

mommy2 said:


> So here is where I am at. The moment I found out, besides being physically ill, all I wanted was my hubby and my marriage. We had been having issues
> I am just a mix of emotions! Is it wrong of me to just want to forgive and forget? I mean I can't forget for a while and while I have forgiven my husband, I am not at the point to forgive her. My husband and I had issues, I know that and some are very much my fault. But she and I did not.
> 
> Any advice???????


I had the same panicky feeling when I first found out because I was terrified at losing my relationship. It's been my rock for so long, even in the bad times preceding my partner's EA/PA. So I think it's normal to kind of wake up and realize how much you value your husband and be protective/possessive of the relationship. 

That said, don't be a martyr and forgive everyone immediately. He needs to earn back your trust. Your friend is not a friend any more, she threw that away when she made this choice.

Anger, resentment, disgust, etc. are all part of the process. It is also normal to have sympathy for your husband but let the other emotions come out too. 

If you make it too easy for him to come back you're showing that there isn't serious consequence for this. And I think it undervalues your feelings and your self worth to immediately forgive and forget.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Mommybean,

Thank you! I read your post and it inspired me. I related alot to what you said and am very hopeful that in our situation, we too can eventually move past and only make our relationship better. He admits he failed miserable, he failed me and he failed our marriage and for that he is deeply sorry. He tells me MANY times daily (by phone, text, in person) how much he loves me. He has always been attracted to me and I just had pushed him away. He admits shame on him for going to the extreme of the EA/PA to get the attention and affection he was craving. He said he's always loved me, just thought I didn't love him anymore. He is grateful that I am willing to keep him and work on our marriage and thanks me for that often too. He is just so happy and relieved that I still love him. He thought he lost me long ago.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Nightowl,

I keep thinking that too. That if we are working on our relationship and it becomes better than we had before, then it's a win/win for him. He got to have an affair and gets his wife back better than before!! BUT, then I step back and look at the whole picture. Meaning, we "lost that loving feeling" long ago. Unfortunately, with fertility issues/drugs that made me Jekyll and Hyde, lose of jobs, financial hardships, daughter's condition at birth that induced panic, surgeries, hospital stays, more bills, starting his own company, more financial problems, the list goes on and on and the stress just mounted and we grew apart. I'll admit, we were more like roommates taking care of the kids. I housed alot of resentment which led to anger. That led to his anger, etc. A vicious cycle. Actually, not sure why he didnt' just leave. Well, actually he is a great dad and adores his kids, that's what kept him around. I mean, I would have people tell me all the time what a great guy he is, how lucky I am and what would I do? Roll my eyes and scoff. Frankly, I was a total ***** at times. The day I found out was a sunday and we were home all day with the kids and took them to a pumpkin patch actually because we had promised them! When he was fixing them lunch do you know what they asked? What's wrong with Mom? She's not yelling at all today?! How sad - as I wife I sucked. Wow, actually really hard to admit that out loud! 

He knows he has to earn back my trust and says he is willing to do so. I definitely don't want to give in too easily but on the same page - I am SO HAPPY to have my hubby again. So happy to be in love again (I wasn't), so happy to be attracted to him (had lost that) - I am just so happy! Well, at the same time being miserable and sick and what he's done and what it took to make me realize that I do adore my H! 

We both know the other shoe is going to drop at some point, anger is going to rear it's ugly head and I am probably going to want to scream/yell, etc. WE're just hoping that with counseling they can give us the tools to prepare for that and deal with it when the time comes. 

As for her, my "friend" - you're right she did throw our friendship away. I can't focus on that right now anyway. That's for a later time.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

[/QUOTE]

Mommy2, it sounds like you have your own guilt over how you acted in the marriage. That's something to work on and it will affect how you feel about the A, but remember, you both weren't happy but *you* didn't cheat. In my relationship, we got to the "affectionate roommates" phase of things, and I was nowhere near perfect as a partner, but I did not deserve what happened. And I passed up many opportunities to cheat myself, whereas he gave in easily. Likewise you didn't "earn" this situation by being, as you say, a sucky wife. 

It sounds like maybe it was a wakeup call for the both of you and a chance to repair a relationship that was pretty broken. Nothing wrong with being grateful for that, and I wish you the best of luck and healing for your family.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

M2,

Let me give you a male take on this. I have been with my wife for 21, married 20. We have 3 kids. Neither of us has ever cheated - I simply say that by way of background. I am NOT being judgemental. 

Before your sister and other friends get you all wound up and angry at your husband, let me explain something. He didn't get a win-win out of this. He truly felt unloved, rejected and truly awful for a long time before he strayed. 

I am not taking sides here. He did something wrong. However, if my wife had totally shut down on me sexually I am not sure what I would have done. Frankly I would have felt fully justified in divorcing her. This has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with love. 

What if he had told you that he would no longer have deep emotional discussions with you, and you were also forbidden from having them with anyone else. Clearly that would be abusive, and grounds for divorce. This is no different for a man.

He was wrong. He is sorry. We have a rule in our house. When one of us is in the wrong, and is truly remorseful, the other is not supposed to "pile on" with additional anger and attacks. Talk about how you feel, sure. But that is different then attacking someone. 

My suggestion to you is this. If you want to be angry and vent to him go ahead. But be fair about it. Let him tell you how angry and rejected and hurt HE felt during the years you were sexually shutdown on him. Because it may be that for every female friend telling you to hammer him, he has a male friend telling him that a wife who shuts down sexually is a hypocrite for getting mad her man is getting his love elsewhere. 

He seems willing to take a disproportionate amount of blame here. Sounds like he is a truly good guy. Don't pile on. Your behavior precipitated this. Someday the kids will be gone. At that point it will just be you and him. He will either look back on this incident as one where you really stepped up and were fair, or as the point at which you put this all on him and took no real responsibility for how it all got this way. Many men tolerate things they really consider unfair until the kids are gone. And then the men simply leave. 

I prefaced this with my background. I wish I could say I was a saint. About a half dozen times women have directly come on to me over the course of my marriage. And I have always been able to think of my loving wife, her kindness to me, her commitment to our marriage. Her sexual generosity - I have a higher drive and she is wonderful about it. And so I have never really said "no" to another woman. What I keep doing is saying "yes" to my wife. 



mommy2 said:


> Nightowl,
> 
> I keep thinking that too. That if we are working on our relationship and it becomes better than we had before, then it's a win/win for him. He got to have an affair and gets his wife back better than before!! BUT, then I step back and look at the whole picture. Meaning, we "lost that loving feeling" long ago. Unfortunately, with fertility issues/drugs that made me Jekyll and Hyde, lose of jobs, financial hardships, daughter's condition at birth that induced panic, surgeries, hospital stays, more bills, starting his own company, more financial problems, the list goes on and on and the stress just mounted and we grew apart. I'll admit, we were more like roommates taking care of the kids. I housed alot of resentment which led to anger. That led to his anger, etc. A vicious cycle. Actually, not sure why he didnt' just leave. Well, actually he is a great dad and adores his kids, that's what kept him around. I mean, I would have people tell me all the time what a great guy he is, how lucky I am and what would I do? Roll my eyes and scoff. Frankly, I was a total ***** at times. The day I found out was a sunday and we were home all day with the kids and took them to a pumpkin patch actually because we had promised them! When he was fixing them lunch do you know what they asked? What's wrong with Mom? She's not yelling at all today?! How sad - as I wife I sucked. Wow, actually really hard to admit that out loud!
> 
> ...


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

All I can say, is that if you truly feel you can forgive and forget while being fully honest with yourself, than you are an extremely lucky person, and go for it. If I had that ability my life would be much better off. Consider yourself blessed if you truly can forgive, forget, and be happy.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Foolz1,

My apologies, I just realized I didn't answer your question to "how is HER husband reacting?". He is having a very hard time. He lost 18lbs the first week and is on medication I am told. They were starting their counseling last week. I think probably harder for him as their wasn't anything wrong in their marriage, per se. However, his son (her stepson) was married last weekend and of course, we didn't attend. Her husband spoke to my hubby the next week to just say that while it was a happy day it was also quite sad as it wasn't the same without us there, we were missed ,etc. (again we were very close friends, like family) A mutual friend even said that her hubby confided that he could see down the road, us all being friends again. Not sure about that one, but there is willingness to forgive their too.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

MEM11363,

Thank you very much for the "male" perspective. Much of what you said, he has conveyed to me during our talks. I haven't piled on the sarcastic attacks and digs, which is very out of character for me. That's my "thing." Not a good thing, but my H and I even laughed about it yesterday. He wanted me to admit how "good" I was at that - when we had fought previously I knew just what snide comment that would cut him to the bone and set him off. He's right. Again, not proud. 

I am going back to the "old" me - I haven't been sarcastic, only loving and happy and my H is so happy to see my smile again. My smile directed at HIM. (every since he met he always told me how much he loves my smile) 

stillINshock - I truly believe I can forgive and maybe someday forget. I don't want the alternative. I LOVE my H and am so mad at myself for letting it get this bad between us. How horrible that it took this to wake me up. Still very hurt and saddened at what he did, but that's the past and I can either dredge it up everyday and be miserable or put it behind us and move on. 

Yesterday was another great talk and he took my face in his hands and said, "Babe, I have always loved you - just didn't think you felt the same." We have been so happy these last couple of weeks, it's insane! Our kids keep asking why we are hugging and kissing all the time? (6yr & 3 yrs old) Yesterday my son came into the kitchen and then ran into the other room and yelled "sis, they are doing it again! They're making out!" We should have been doing this all the time and they woudn't even be noticing. 

Again, thanks again for the posts -they are really helping me through this. Amazing that something this bad can switch on a light and you look at everything differently. It's been so great in our household these past two weeks - only happy, no fighting, lots of affection/intimacy and being considerate to one another. My H dusted and vacuumed yesterday - how sexy is that? LOL


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am really truly happy for you. I mean that. I think you two end up coming out of this stronger and better then you went into it. 

Yesterday my wife drove our son on this long trip for 2 school events - band and cross country. I had offered repeatedly to drive him, so she could stay home with our daughter, but she insisted on driving - it was almost 10 hours total. She called me from the road late in the afternoon very upset. She had just gotten an expensive moving violation. The only way to reduce the ticket cost is to take the defensive driving course - which is really long. She is a very good driver and rarely gets any tickets. So I immediately offered to take the def driving course for her - self study at home - no one will ever know. She was so greatful - the course is dead boring so my offer was truly kind thing. 

I do stuff like that all the time - because at year 20 I am still in love with my wife. And I am in love with her - partly because she is so loving to me. 

When you are with the right person - and it sure sounds like you and your husband are right for each other - you can amplify that good feeling so much by doing the right things. In her case - she is generous with me in terms of physical affection (yes that includes sex) which like many men - is my primary love language. In turn I attempt to be generous with her in her love languages - and she knows for certain she is my highest priority. 

I think in year 20 - you two will be like she and I are today. In love, happy and playful. 





mommy2 said:


> MEM11363,
> 
> Thank you very much for the "male" perspective. Much of what you said, he has conveyed to me during our talks. I haven't piled on the sarcastic attacks and digs, which is very out of character for me. That's my "thing." Not a good thing, but my H and I even laughed about it yesterday. He wanted me to admit how "good" I was at that - when we had fought previously I knew just what snide comment that would cut him to the bone and set him off. He's right. Again, not proud.
> 
> ...


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Mem11363,

Thank you - I too hope we can be like your marriage at 20 yrs. You sound like you have a wonderful marriage. 

We go to counseling next week. Hopefully that will only help strengthen our marriage more.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

OMG this is my story minuse the sex but wow. Let me just say something to you NEVER EVER EVER would you have done anything with her husband right. Cause she was like a sister to you and you loved her as your friends so why would she do that to you? and let me tell you ppl in bad situations when givin attention act on it. Every human being want to give and feel love so. I can see how ppl fall into the situation sometimes of cheating BUT she was your friend? no way she knew what she was doing. She knew your problems so no excuse. And no excuse for him. if you want to work on your marriage she will have to go cause everytime you talk or see eachother it will just piss you off.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

No, I haven't spoke to her except for when she called me to apologize. I didn't say much. Honestly, not worrying about her and what she did at this point. Working on my marriage first, will deal with the betrayed friendship, etc. at a later time. That's not my priority at this point. 

And NO, I would have NEVER done that to ANY friend. Love her hubby as a friend but no attraction there whatsoever. He's about 12 yrs older than I am. She's 7 yrs older so my H was younger and a handsome guy! But again, not going there. Just working on my marriage!

Just curious, did you and your H work things out?


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

LuvmyH,

Wow, it sounds like we have alot in common! My sis is doing better at keeping her judgemental comments to herself. She has even been around my H a couple times now and been very good/nice. 

I am glad to hear that it's been 8 months and you've come so far. WE had our first counseling session last evening and it went very well. She doesn't feel we need to be referred to another therapist for long term therapy (using my EAP) but that we can probably just meet with her a couple more times. She was impressed with how far we've come on our own and how well we are communicating, etc. She referred to the A as this "horrible/wonderful" thing that has happened...... AND she said that marriages are like gardens - need to be tended and nurtured to flourish. We let ours become overgrown with weeds. It's time to get rid of the weeds!


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