# Need some advice



## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

My husband works with a lot of members of the opposite sex.
One co-worker constantly chats with him regarding her personal life and things that happen at work. She does this with other "men" at work too. She is divorced with no children and is about 5-6 years younger than my husband. She is the type of woman that hugs everyone and needs a lot of attention. If someone confronts her that she is too touchy feely, she says, "I am sorry. I didn't mean it." She flirts with everyone and my husband just says, "she is like that to everyone." When I find emails from her to my husband, which are not work related, he sees nothing wrong with them because he said he is not interested. He knows I am upset with the situation, so he informed her to please keep it on a professional level and not personal level at work. No personal emails, etc. But, after he tells her this, she'll send an email stating that she is sorry and that she doesn't mean to upset anyone. Very frustrating. She knows exactly what she is doing. She even has gone to other male co-worker's homes for other things such as learning wood working, etc...and of course the wife isn't home. She is one of these woman who target on well established men who will take care of them. What do I do? I have discussed it with my husband and he said he has done everything he can and that she IS a co-worker that he has to deal with at work. I feel she knows exactly what she is doing to put doubt in our marriage and I think she has done it before with others. Help.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Hello peanut. If your husband really objects to it he can have sexual harrasment filed against her. I am not sure he wants to do that cause if others found out he might be laughed at. Remember in order for ou husband to cheat he has to want to.. If he has reassured you he has not interest and nothing else seems out of the ordinary. Then why worry??? Its tough cause anybody can chase after somebody else without any reason.. Good Luck..


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Ask if your husband will change his email. If not, a lot of emails have a way to filter out and even automatically delete emails from a certain sender. See if he'll do that. Then, no more emails even if she's sending them. You're not going to be able to control her actions. 

If she asks your H why he hasn't mentioned or replied he could just say "I'm sorry. I'm no longer accepting personal emails from co-workers."


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

Thanks. He can't change his work email and that is where the emails are being sent to. There are no causes at home that would make him wander, so I am not worried about it. Hubby really is oblivious to the fact that she is attracted to him. He said he is not attracted to her, so that is all that matters and that he loves only ME. It is just frustrating that women or men, for that matter, try to latch on to married people. I honestly understand why this woman is divorced...she is definately unstable and needs lots of attention. She is like the woman in the movie with Michael Douglass that stalks him...
He really won't do sexual harrassment, but I think he might consider it if she doesn't let up.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

I don't really think you've got too much to worry about.  I'm sure she'll tire and find a new mark.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Your DH must file charges.  Request he do this.

Women who do this in the workplace make it difficult for the professional women in the workplace to be taken seriously! Women like this are low life and I've seen plenty of them, and having been in a male dominated workplace, I wish more men WOULD file charges. Men need to do this! (Listening guys???) It would make wives at home less uneasy when their dh works with lots of women.

Be nice, reasonable. Then if he does NOT files the charges, saying he is "afraid" or worried about being laughed at, say you will do it FOR him, and enlist a couple other wives for support.

Good luck, let us know how it turns out.

Show your dh this thread....I was a supervisor of MEN in the military...PLEASE report her.


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

Thanks you all for the advice. 
New things in the mix now are that rumors are going around his work that the two of them are together. His secretary said that people have come up to her asking and she has told them no. I confronted H about it and he says that nothing is going on and that he can't stop the rumors. He said the people that know him, know he would not do that and that is all that matters.
I just ask...how did this all come about? Why did the rumors start? They don't work that closely, so how did this all begin? I do not think he has had an affair, but I do think he progressed the relationship from co-worker to friend and maybe got more than he expected? I am just sad...he said he is tired of speaking about it and doesn't want to keep hearing about it every day when nothing is going on.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

If she is really good looking, she has been doing that and getting away with it for years...
Most men will not file a suit if the woman rubbing on him is good looking or has an incredible body.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

preso said:


> If she is really good looking, she has been doing that and getting away with it for years...
> Most men will not file a suit if the woman rubbing on him is good looking or has an incredible body.


Bingo. :iagree:

Your dh needs to insulate himself from this home wrecker. He can insulate himself with YOU and his direct talk with his employer.

Does he answer the personal emails. I would be more interested in what he does in return. 

She'd quit if he'd be more COLD.


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

She isn't a model, but I wouldn't say she is homely either. She is 9 years younge than my H too.
She has already had rumors before about her being with another married man (an editor of the business) in the past. The person who runs HR is the wife of that editor, so I don't really know what happened there, but it is over. I really want to speak to the wife, but the HR person is a BIG mouth and I am not sure if H would be happy if I did it. I will have to discuss the matter with him...
I don't want to push away my H by accusing him by just going by what I feel, so I am at a point I don't really don't know what to do. The trust issue against the accusing issue.
I see her there if I stop by and she can't look me in the eye. I really want to say something like, "stay away from my husband or I'll file a suit against you" but think it is just the "jealous" wife speaking, you know? My H's boss knows about the issues, because I have mentioned it to him. My H knows I have done that. And, like I said before, my H's secretary is aware of the issues too. So, I can either keep pressing it and push H away even though he says nothing is going on, or smile and just hope it is innocent on H's part and it will just all go away in time.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Man rumors can start even if nothing is happening. People see 2 people talking and if it happens a number of times it starts.. Proceed with caution on the accusing. If you are wrong it can really damage your relationship..


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

Yes, I agree and I am proceeding with caution. I just tell him if the shoe was on the other foot, he would be just as upset as I. It is hard not to bring up the issues every day. When I am quiet, he asks what is wrong. Well, of course there is something wrong...
I told him that I am just protecting what is mine and what I love. I told him also he shouldn't have an issue with it because this woman definately knows what she is doing. She makes doubts appear and then she swoops in for the kill. Sad to say there are a lot of people like that out there. 
I DID tell him that he doesn't really say anything "negative" about the woman and only agrees with what I say about her. He finally admitted that she is basically a psyco, but he might be saying that just to appease me. Who knows...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

If there is nothing acting suspicious then don't worry.. IE coming home late/Text messages/Phone calls.. Then I wouldn't worry. If you start to see a pattern then I would be concerned..


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

Nothing really points to an affair. He was coming home late a lot, but his job does make him do this. But, it is odd now that all this has happened, that he is home at a reasonable time now. You sit back and try to scrutinize everything and of course you will come up with scenarios that maybe something happened. He can't text on his phone; work prohibits it. He does have email on his phone and it goes off at all times of the day/night. But, again, his work runs 24/7 and people do try to reach him all the time. Like I said, something COULD have been going on...But, I guess I really have to think, if there was something going on, it is now over because a lot of people are aware of the rumors and now he is very attentive to just me. Is he attentive to overcompensate the affair that happened or is he attentive because I believed him in his saying nothing was going on? Also, if I believe there was something, can I go on with our relationship and put it in the past? 
I know men have mid life crisis' and things happen, but I really want to think I was and still am a very supportive wife in all matters of a marriage. Just confusing and thinking on this issue way too much. Why can't life just be easy?!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Life like marriages have ups and downs. Without them how can you appreciate the ups then??


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

Very true about the ups and downs. If marriage was wonderful all the time...EVERYONE would be married and the divorce rate would be zero...ha ha.
Thank you all for the good advice. Things seem good now. 
Sometimes, even though you don't want bad things to happen in your relationship, it strengthens your relationship and makes the partners think about what a good marriage they really do have and maybe not take each other for granted as much.
Hopefully I won't be asking for advice on here again :smthumbup:


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

I just wanted to follow up with good news on my relationship. Things are definately looking up. I still bring up about the "other" woman from time to time to ask questions, and they are always answered. We both sat down and said we need to work on making our marriage last. I always thought it was good, but when you step away from it, you see that you take each other for granted and sometimes are basically roommates with perks. 
We spend more quality time with each other and think before saying something negative to each other and think if it will hurt feelings before being said. Of course we revert to some of the past patterns, but they are corrected quickly. I still don't know if there was anything beginning in that emotional affair, but I am more attentive on things now. I always ask if he is happy and it is definately hard work to make a marriage happy and last indefinately. The sexual part of the relationship is a bit better (wasn't bad before) and the communicative part is a bit better. He has never been one to communicate well, and he said he'd work on it and share his day with me. He just likes to leave work at work. So, he said he'd try harder in that aspect. So, all is good!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It is possible that when your H told her to keep it professional that *she* started the rumor herself. 

If she doesn't leave him alone, instead of reporting her to HR, he can simply talk to her supervisor and ask him/her to have a chat and to say that her behavior is out of line.


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

Oh...I definately thought that. My husband said his "superior" (whom is a friend) is the one whom he thought started the rumors. I am the one who mentioned that maybe it was "she" that started them or a combination of the two. 
There are so many destructive influences out there. My husband said he almost lost me once (when we were married about 10 years) and said he would not want to lose me again. So, I honestly believe that nothing happened. But, my husband is VERY nice to his employees and has an "open door" policy where people can come and talk to him whenever about whatever. Sometimes people (especially women) think that since he is listening to them, that they think there is "more" than just the boss/employee/co-worker relationship. I told my husband he has to watch out for this because lonely people who have no one will attach themselves to anyone who listens or shows support.


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## kbjg1254 (Aug 17, 2009)

I have a background in HR and definitely disagree with some counsel you are receiving from the 'report her' standpoint. The last thing a manager wants to do (and I'm assuming he is a manager if he has an admin) is open a can of worms and over-react. His actions toward her will give her the drift of whether he is receptive to her or not.

I am not trying to be unsympathetic, but I think you need to drop it. You have said your piece (apparently many times), brought it up to his superior (not a good idea), and are spending a great deal of energy on projecting your fears.

Get a hobby/find interests for yourself, find some fun friends, and talk about something other than your husband. You can't control him and you can't change him. You've done your part.


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

Kbjg1254 - I definately agree with you. :iagree: I honestly do think that the way my husband will portray himself towards this woman will definately either make her stop her "forwardness," if he shows her he is not interested, or "make it go on," if he still befriends her. 

My husband kind of feels that it is overreacting also, since he says nothing has happened. He did sit with her supervisor when he initially recieved the first email, signed love you, and told her that there should be no personal emails, only professional. In all honesty, SHE is the one who sent more emails after that. Maybe "testing the waters." Who knows if he flirted with her, but I do believe it is over.

The only part I didn't agree with you on is the part to move on and that I can't change my husband. I do believe anyone can change if they want to. I would never want to control him, but he and I, both, have definately changed in the couple of weeks since this has happened. (for the better). I am sure you are not intending that "IF" there is something going on still, I should find hobbies, friends, etc, other than dwell on my husband. I am very independent and do have hobbies and so forth, but a lot of married couples lives involve doing things together and most friends are common friends.


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

New twist today. Well, hubby has been very attentive. Marriage was definately going in a good direction and we both have been supportive in each other's feelings. H even said that it will be nice once all the kids are moved out because it will be nice for just me and him to be together.
Well, the twist now is, my daughter (who is 20) is looking for another job. H decided to call "the other woman" because he knew she used to work at the place my daughter applied to. I guess she knows the manager. So, he called and left her a message. (unknowingly to me). The only reason I found out was because I was next to him when she called back. After he got off the "short" call with her, I asked who it was and he told me. I exploded. I mentioned to him that we were supposed to make decisions together. That with her, it is supposed to be professional and he brought "personal" back in the equation. He didn't realize anything wrong until later when he thought on the issue and apologized to me. He then thought, since he apologized, that all was better. I love him, but I don't know if I can compete with this situation. I cry and am miserable. I don't think anything is going on, and I honestly think he was thinking of helping my daughter, but I don't think he realizes the impact she has on our relationship. Am I just over reacting? He later told me he thought about it before he called her but was only thinking of my daughter getting a job at the time. I am very sad...


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## Justawife (Aug 14, 2009)

I say, What are you worrid about? It doesn't sound lie he's done anything to make you question what his feelings are...


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

It isn't so much as I am worried about his feelings or worried about him straying. I am upset that he doesn't "think" before acting. Then he says he is tired of this emotional roller coaster. Doesn't he realize he is the one who "starts" the roller coaster? If he would think before he acts, and think of "our welfare" and not "others" all the time, that maybe everything would be fine. Isn't it called communication? Sometimes I tell him I wish I was just one of his "friends" because the way he speaks to them is sometimes a heck of alot better than how he speaks to his family.


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

My husband works with the same woman, I know exactly how you feel. It is awful.
We have made it through it, we almost split up because of it right before christmas. 
She still works there today. And though she is not my favorite person in the world I can now live with it. 
Like the girl you are describing she over stepped the boundries over and over again, then she would rub it in my face that she was doing it. 
Like your husband mine said he was sick of the roller coaster and nothing was going on.
I am not sure how but I finally got him to understand that by allowing her to behave that way was VERY disrespectful to me and our relationship and I would not put up with it any longer. (Maybe that is what got him) i was just as sick of the roller coaster as he was.
That being said, you are going to have to learn to relax a little. That last phone call sounds innocent and nothing to worry about, but I know the emotions you just went thru. I would tense up for the longest time afterwards any time he got a text until I found out it wasn't from her. 
But you can't keep blowing up over every little thing. Sit him down explain your boundries that you will not allow to be crossed and then let it go.
You can still keep an ear out for awhile to make sure they are not crossing the line, but try not to let him in on it or blow up about it unless it is something major.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Geez, this has gone too far; it's driving you nuts. Only you can control your reaction(s). Together with your husband, set the guidelines for dealing with this o.w. and then learn to TRUST him. Work with a therapist to help you through cognitive-behavioral therapy; it will really be helpful, I bet. good luck!


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

Read whole thread. Regarding latest "twist", its true that your H calling this girl for a reference for your daughter wasnt the smartest thing in the world, but u have to understand that he was just being pragmatic. To him it was the right thing to do, even though to u it was the absolute worst thing he could do. 

And regarding the situation as a whole, u have to understand that from his POV he is just a guy going to work trying to do his job w/ some mental chick hitting on him on one side, and his wife tripping out about it on the other. Dont make him pay b/c he is the target of some nutjob. It doesnt sound like u have anything to be insecure about, so as long as your H isnt doing anything inappropriate dont create an issue where there isnt one by behaving the way u have been.


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## peanut (Aug 4, 2009)

The last few replies on this post were definately helpful.
I did have it out with him last night and discussed that if the same scenario happened at my work, that he'd be upset. He said, yes he would, but he wouldn't have blown it out of proportion like I did.
I did tell him that he was oblivious to the fact that this woman likes him and that any type of "personal" questions or any interest in her life whatsoever will make this woman think she can cross those boundries. He totally understood and said he has no interest in her at all, that he loves me and that I am DRIVING HIM CRAZY!!!
So, we agreed that I would relax on the issue. I did also tell him that I won't bring her name up anymore either. (he said, "yeah sure! lol) I just let him know that I don't want her involved in our life and with him contacting her to help my daughter get a job, well...it brings her into our personal life. He didn't quite understand it until I told him how I felt. I told him that she will never be a friend of mine, nor be invited to our home, or be involved AT ALL with us as a family. I let him know that she is not a friend I would chose to be around us and that she is very destructive. She has nothing to lose because it is only her. No kids...divorced. She only has something to gain. 
But, my husband reassures me that there is no interest on his part and that he is happily married to me and wants to grow old with me. I did give him the opportunity to let me know if he wasn't happy, and he said everything is fine except for this emotional roller coaster going on.


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