# Men and Chores - Need strategies to deal with laziness



## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

I need advice. I have been married to my husband for 2 years, together for 8 in total. We moved in together after university/college and one thing I did notice when going over to his apartment prior to moving in was - it was messy. H calmed that he was very neat and that it was roommates' mess. His mother also verified this and said H was very neat and organized when living at home. Flash forward 6 years since we moved in together I have come to the conclusion that my H is lazy and a bit of a slob.

I always knew my H was a little on the lazy end but it seems like in the past year or so it has become worse. He barely helps out with chores and if he does I have to ask him to give me a hand - he barely offers. He has admitted when he does offer he hopes I say no thanks. I don't nag my H to clean as he said his stepfather did that growing up and he got annoyed with it so I have a tendency to ask him two times to do something, if he doesn't do it or forgets I just do it. Not a good technique as it's not working so I need more strategies.

I also find his laziness is affecting other parts of his/our life. TV watching in our house has turned into what the H wants to watch. He'll sometimes offer me the remote about 10 o'clock at night when nothing is on and will complain if I'm watching something he doesn't want to E.g. The TLC Network. He told me this week he will connect the satellite to our other tv because he knows I am getting irritated with watching sports or watching him play video games.

He is also only working part time at his job due to a on-going back problem. I think he could perhaps work longer but is using his back as an excuse to work less.

Right now, I'm just feeling fed up with things. I feel it is unfair that I seem to be pulling more weight in the household while he just seems to enjoy the ride. I would like more help with cooking and cleaning without having to ask. We have discussed this many times but nothing seems to sink in. For instance, it would be nice if would start supper every once in a while before I got home since he's home at 4 and I'm home at 530. I sometimes find I walk in the door, take off my coat and head straight to the kitchen to start supper.

Any suggestions/strategies I could use to get my husband more involved.

We did have a discussion about these things in November and it worked temporarily although he did begin and continues to contribute financially to the household. Prior to this, he would "chip in" with groceries or gas, now he is contributing a set amount to savings each month. Now I just need help with household chores. Sometimes I feel like I married a man-child.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Stop doing things for him. Cook for yourself. Do your own laundry. Clean up after yourself. And don't do any of that for him. Get another TV and watch it yourself.

You could also post a 'chore chart' with his chores clearly defined. When he doesn't do them, DON'T do them yourself. If he doesn't take the garbage to the curb on garbage day, he'll have twice as much to take next week. If he doesn't vacuum the living room, don't do it yourself, just leave it. You could even set up 'rewards' for him when he gets stuff done, like a bj or something  

Expecting him to do things without you asking is unrealistic, though.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would recommend ongoing heart to heart talks. Just keep sharing your heart with him on this issue. If he improves at times, then he is capable. He just has to make it into a permanent habit.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

jld said:


> I would recommend ongoing heart to heart talks. Just keep sharing your heart with him on this issue. If he improves at times, then he is capable. He just has to make it into a permanent habit.


While this is worth a try, I give it about a 10% chance of working.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

John Lee said:


> While this is worth a try, I give it about a 10% chance of working.


:iagree: I'd say maybe one chance in a million, more likely.

You can talk till you're blue in the face, but unless you have one of those VERY rare spouses that actually will act based on just your words alone, it won't work.

Actions speak far, far louder than words.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Do you have defined separate chores? We divide up what needs to be done. I, like a lot of men, like to identify a specific task and then tackle it. I hate being nagged or micromanaged. Nagging often becomes a vicious circle as that nagger becomes increasingly anxious, annoyed and convinced it is the only way to get things done, and the recipient becomes increasingly resentful and either resists or feels less and less responsibility for the task at issue.

For example in our house in addition to outside work, food is my responsibility. All purchasing and preparing. I clean the bathrooms and she is responsible for dishes (we have a dishwasher) and general cleaning. She does more of the laundry but often we both do that on an disorganized "as needed basis" This works out well since she can't cook and I couldn't dust or vacuum to her level of satisfaction. It is not rigid in the sense of being petty and of course sickness and life can get in the way and things just have to get done, but we rarely have need to even discuss chores or housework. 

Of course you have to be more flexible with parenting responsibilities but we seem to manage that.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

John Lee said:


> While this is worth a try, I give it about a 10% chance of working.


:rofl:

So true


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

muffin1983 said:


> I need advice. I have been married to my husband for 2 years, together for 8 in total. We moved in together after university/college and one thing I did notice when going over to his apartment prior to moving in was - it was messy. H calmed that he was very neat and that it was roommates' mess. His mother also verified this and said H was very neat and organized when living at home. Flash forward 6 years since we moved in together I have come to the conclusion that my H is lazy and a bit of a slob.
> 
> I always knew my H was a little on the lazy end but it seems like in the past year or so it has become worse. He barely helps out with chores and if he does I have to ask him to give me a hand - he barely offers. He has admitted when he does offer he hopes I say no thanks. I don't nag my H to clean as he said his stepfather did that growing up and he got annoyed with it so I have a tendency to ask him two times to do something, if he doesn't do it or forgets I just do it. Not a good technique as it's not working so I need more strategies.
> 
> ...


I don't know if there's anything you can do to cure his laziness.
I know of a few couples in real life with that type of problem where the wife is afraid of confronting him. It only ends either if they get a maid or when their kids get older, and begin to help around the house.

I'm guessing the next thing to happen is that even the sex would become a chore to you.

Since everything else failed, the only option left is a fire & brimstone "_ come to Jesus_ " meeting with him.

If he doesn't like being nagged about cleaning up his mess, then he ought to be responsible enough to clean it up without being told to do so, whether it's on his own timing or an agreed upon timing, but his mess NEEDS TO BE CLEANED, AND CHORES NEED TO BE DONE.
The house belongs to both of you and you are not his mother.
If he thinks you are then maybe you need to stop having sex with him, because mothers, as much as they do love their sons, aren't supposed to have sex with their sons.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

John Lee said:


> While this is worth a try, I give it about a 10% chance of working.


I hear you. I do this with dh, about certain things. He used to really put stuff off, and I could not understand it, as I am a do it right away kind of gal.

But yes, it is really when he feels it in his own heart that he changes. 

Dh is 46, and he has gotten much better about doing things right away in the last 6 years or so. Maybe it just happens naturally as men age?

And really, what else can we do besides keep sharing our hearts? I am not going to stop having sex with him, like some kind of "discipline"; I've just never wanted to do that. I love our closeness. So I just share and share and hope that it eventually makes a difference. And it seems to, at least with my guy.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

OP, perhaps you married a man-child, but a man-child can become a man. Men grow up in marriages sometimes, often even. But it will take more than gentle "maybe you could __ a little more" kind of language to make him see the light, is my guess.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> :rofl:
> 
> So true


I say it because I have been that guy.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Wow...I totally understand what you're going through. Reading your post made me have flashbacks.

1. The wool was pulled over your eyes while in college, for sure. He has always been lazy and sloppy. Now he's thinking his wife will be cleaning up after him. And obviously...you have been.

2. You can talk, negotiate, beg, yell, and ask until you're blue in the face - it doesn't make a difference. He's never...ever...had to follow through with his actions. There is no consequence to him.

3. The fact that his step-dad used to bug him all time to clean (well hello..he's obviously messy and should've been "bugged") and you don't want to annoy him. Forget that. You are not his step-dad, you're his wife. There's nothing wrong with you asking him for help to take care of your shared household. That's a shared responsibility, and quite frankly, mostly his because he's not working full-time nor the main financial contributor. But that's something you both need to decide.

He sounds narcissistic and he's just used to being taken care of. Just like my STBX. The whole situation I had changed my attitude because I couldn't get him to help me with anything. 

Have all the talks, negotiations, chore charts that you can handle. But unless your H gets some sense he will not change. Either you live with it, or you make a conscience choice that you don't want to. Your only next choice is to take action. 

This is my take:
Once you're tired of his sh*t tell him you need a "break" to think things over in your marriage. I would make sure before you make that move you've kept track of some very very good examples of things that he's done (or NOT). Because he will ask, deny, ask and deny, and then maybe even try to blame you. Because I guarantee he will have no idea what you're problem is, or that it's a big deal. But you know what, contributing to the household and helping your wife IS a big deal. Take your break, and come back and see what he has to say. Go from there. Hopefully he grows up and realizes he has to contribute to keep his marriage successful.
There is always the potential (which is what happened with me) that he will deny he's done anything wrong and doesn't need to change. And there you stand having to choose between living the same life you've been living the past years or facing the big wide world, alone, because you just want to be happy and you know he's not being fair to you which is definitely NOT making you happy.

He's not being fair, and he's taking advantage of the situation. If it really bothers you now...it will still bother you in a couple years. Just my viewpoint!


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

One thing to keep in mind: He doesn't have to change. He is not doing anything morally wrong. Some people are just inherently lazier and messier than other people. It doesn't make them bad people and they don't have to change. The problem is that you two have different ideas of what you want your environment to be like and how much energy you want to put in.

However, this may mean that you two aren't compatible long term. It is highly unlikely that he'll become someone who wants to do chores and make dinner. You could stop cooking and doing all chores and he'll likely be fine living in a messy house and eating cereal by the handful while standing in front of the pantry.

If you want him to do things, likely you'll have to continue to ask, nag, pester, cajole, persuade, and penalize until he does them. You have to decide if that's the type of life you want. That may mean holding the final penalty of divorce over his head if he doesn't do more around the house.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I am going to take a slightly different view here. 

Men and woman do not prioritize things in the same relative terms and measurements. My wife and I go around on this constantly. 

If she is not doing one of her chores or responsibilities up to the standards I would like I take over and do it my self without fuss complaint or ill will towards her. She however can not make a defined and consistent level of expectations for what she wants. So her expectations of what is acceptable of my duties is forever changing and no matter what I do I did it wrong. 

A few weeks ago she was upset that I wasn't doing the laundry. Fair enough that was true and BTW I like doing the laundry. 

The problem is I quit doing it because her expectations and requirements were irrational. I started doing the laundry as I have always done it. 
Everything came out clean but when she saw that I washed my work clothes on extra large and hot/warm VS her preference of Large or medium and warm/cold setting things hit the fan again. Now I don't do the laundry. 

Similar incident with the cooking. She was upset that I don't cook yet she fully admits that my skills are limited plus what I do make she does not like anyway. 
One night I took the intiialt ive and made a dish she likes, or at least used to like. The problem was I cooked the rice wrong. Instead of doing it her way where she boils the rice for 15 - 20 minutes then adds it to the main mix I do it for about 10 minutes and add it then as everything cooks for the next 10 - 15 minutes together the rice finished cooking just the same. 

In the end no one but me ate my food. It wasn't bad or uncooked. It was just done differently than how she would have done it. 

Also she was upset I wasn't doing the shopping. I don't mind doing that either. The problem is she has a very specific way she wants it done. I bought exactly what she wanted where she wanted it from and put it way when I got home. 
All hell broke loose just the same. Instead of buying enough of certain items to last fore 3 -4 day then going shopping again I bought enough for two weeks plus when I put things away I had to move one set of plastic dishes over 6 inches to make room for the extra items I bought. Between buying too much of a no perishable juice item and moving her precious plastic containers a few inches it came back to I don't do the shopping any more either.

My point is if you each have certain chores or responsibilities those responsibilities are up to the person doing them to decide on what is reasonable and appropriate by their standards. If you don't like the other persons standard then you do it yourself. 

If he is really not doing his part properly then you have every reason to get after him. However if your expectations are beyond the basic level of acceptable and or rational perhaps you need to do them yourself.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Lol, married tech. I have always felt my dh would do anything for me . . . just not exactly the way I would like it done.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I know I always tried to help DW out with various chores both at home and at the farm. But she became so condescending about telling me how to do things that I just told her she could do it herself. She developed a sense of wanting to do things unilaterally, only as she saw fit. It drove me to tell her to go do it herself, and I'd go find something else to do!

If a woman truly does that to her man, then they will destroy any incentive that they may possibly have to help their mate!*


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

muffin1983 said:


> I always knew my H was a little on the lazy end but it seems like in the past year or so it has become worse. *He barely helps out with chores* and if he does *I have to ask him to give me a hand *- he barely offers. He has admitted when he does offer he hopes I say no thanks. I don't nag my H to clean as he said his stepfather did that growing up and he got annoyed with it so I have a tendency to ask him two times to do something, if he doesn't do it or forgets I just do it. Not a good technique as it's not working so I need more strategies.
> 
> It isn't about him "offering to give you a hand" or "helping" with chores. It's about him not doing _his share_ of chores and you doing them for him.
> 
> ...


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *I know I always tried to help DW out with various chores both at home and at the farm. But she became so condescending about telling me how to do things that I just told her she could do it herself. She developed a sense of wanting to do things unilaterally, only as she saw fit. It drove me to tell her to go do it herself, and I'd go find something else to do!
> 
> If a woman truly does that to her man, then they will destroy any incentive that they may possibly have to help their mate!*


I used to help my GF with chores. After her unloading the dishwasher and reloading it HER way, or complaining if I ran it without a full load (couldn't cram another thing in) I stopped doing dishes. After catching the 3rd degree on laundry for not taking the clothes from the dryer and fluffing them and emptying the lint trap halfway through the dry cycle, I quit doing laundry.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I'm new here but it's rather reassuring to see that I'm not the only one who sees peoples chore duties this way. 

If you really want it done your way do it yourself otherwise learn to accept the standard that others will set.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *I know I always tried to help DW out with various chores both at home and at the farm. But she became so condescending about telling me how to do things that I just told her she could do it herself. She developed a sense of wanting to do things unilaterally, only as she saw fit. It drove me to tell her to go do it herself, and I'd go find something else to do!
> 
> If a woman truly does that to her man, then they will destroy any incentive that they may possibly have to help their mate!*


The problem with this attitude is that it sounds like you don't see the chores as your responsibility in the first place. You're "helping" your spouse, and you see it as your pleasure to withold the help if you have a problem with how she asks.

Obviously there are extreme cases, e.g. marriedtech's spouse sounds a little too anal for anybody to ever meet her standards. But I also think a lot of guys use this as an excuse to not do chores.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

OTOH, there are certain things my wife and I have accepted. E.g., she does 75% of the cooking, because I'm "too slow" and frankly also just not as good at it. I do all of the grocery shopping, because she is incapable of comparing prices and always restocking things we aren't going to run out of for three more weeks.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Obviously there are extreme cases, e.g. marriedtech's spouse sounds a little too anal for anybody to ever meet her standards. But I also think a lot of guys use this as an excuse to not do chores.


That is exactly where the problem come in. 

Who's standards are the most correct or acceptable ones and at what point does one persons excessive or unrealistic expectations make a chore or responsibility no one else's but their own? 

My wife is going through some rather disturbing physical and mental health neglect issues which for what ever reason largely manifest themselves in the form of highly unrealistic standards or expectations on and about things that most any rational person would never have a need to think twice about. 

Granted as my wife sees me I am a total slacker bum and slob who does nothing. 
I however see that no matter what I do it's not going to be seen and having been done correctly or sufficiently so in her mind she has to do it herself of which she will then carry on with it to such a high degree of procedural detail that she literally exhausts herself despite having gained nothing of significance for her efforts in the end. 

Maybe I am a slacker and a slob who doesn't get worked up about much of anything but then again my blood pressure is normal, I sleep well all night, I have the necessary focus and stamina to work a good day and still have the capacity to sit back watch the sun set while drinking a nice tea and feeling I accomplished enough for the day.  

Yea I'm a real miserable wreck of a human being.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

married tech said:


> That is exactly where the problem come in.
> 
> Who's standards are the most correct or acceptable ones and at what point does one persons excessive or unrealistic expectations make a chore or responsibility no one else's but their own?


Sure, I'm with you on this. I'm definitely the guy who's more like you in my relationship, pretty happy to just chill and nbd if the house is a little messy. But at some point, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and be like "really? Am I cool with it that there are tomato sauce stains on the floor? Is it cool that there are crusty two-day-old dishes in the sink? Am I really ok with that or am I being neglectful?" Not to mention, if mess distresses your spouse, you should at least want to meet her halfway because it affects her. I mean not necessarily your case, but just in general.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

What a surprise the “lazy messy” lad you meet at college and married is now a “lazy messy” husband.
Why is it that people (women more so than men I think) meet someone, marry them and then try to change them?

By all means try and sit down together and work out a rota / household jobs list so that you each do a share, make sure that you each understand what is expected of you, (I am sure he will have some suggestions). Why have you let it go this long (8 years) or get this bad? By doing so you have just let him know that his behavior up until now has been acceptable.

The best of luck as I fear you will need it.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

WayUpNorth said:


> I used to help my GF with chores. After her unloading the dishwasher and reloading it HER way, or complaining if I ran it without a full load (couldn't cram another thing in) I stopped doing dishes. After catching the 3rd degree on laundry for not taking the clothes from the dryer and fluffing them and emptying the lint trap halfway through the dry cycle, I quit doing laundry.


I have to agree with this and some of the things abitrator said. I do the majority of the chores in my house. The thing is i prefer to do them because i like the way i do them if you know what i mean.

Its a bit different here in my home as my husband works full-time, so hes out the house most of the day, so i am here so i feel that the housework does fall on me.

My husband will occasionally hoover, but still leaves crumbs, when i do it i do not.

When my hubby does the washing, he tends to throw it all in the laundry basket where as i like to fold everything nicely.

My husband is a good cook, but hes a messy cook, and will will not leave the kitchen the way i like it.

I just prefer the house to look as i like it, and i am not sure in anybody case, but i think that women care more than the man does, is in the case with my hubby, and my ex's they liked a clean home, but as clean as me..

I do not think that nagging helps at all, I think the more you nag the worst things get, men hate to be nagged, i think if you stop nagging and do it, then i find the man starts doing things on his own accord, but if you nag then the man just gets resentful, unhappy, and the laziness gets worse........NOT the case for all men of course.

How many of you men will leave dirty washing by the side of the washing basket instead of putting it in it This was one of the things that really used to get me irate with my ex, but again the more you nag i think the worse things are, and in this case it was stopped nagging and in the washing basket they went


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Household tasks and chores can turn into a source of disagreement in any household if everybody has not “signed up” to an understanding.

I will freely admit that my wife does more than anybody else but she works from home were as I am out at work 50+ hours a week.
For my part I do the tradition “man of the house” jobs but also like to cook on the weekends / will happily put the laundry on. When it comes to cleaning it is always me who pulls out the wall units, oven, freezers etc as no one else has the strength for it. 

Everyone in our household does have jobs and for the children those change / get bigger as they grow.
Our youngest is 3 so it’s, take your cup / plate out after meals, put your toys away, put your dirty clothes in the laundry.

I do think that too many young people get treated as royalty by their parents and that does not do them any good in the long run.

The division of household chores need to reflect the available time and talents of all members of the household, if both parents work full time outside of the home then they need to divide the chores equally, If one is a stay at home parent whilst the other is the sole breadwinner then they should carry the majority of the workload at home. Everyone should contribute as smoothly running home benefits everyone.


(It works for us, married 19+ years five kids)


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

muffin1983 said:


> He barely helps out with chores and if he does I have to ask him to give me a hand - he barely offers.


How do you define chores? What tasks do they include?



> He is also only working part time at his job due to a on-going back problem. I think he could perhaps work longer but is using his back as an excuse to work less.


So you don't believe that he really has a back problem. To me, here is where things get tricky. If he does not, then your assessment of him being lazy is reinforced. But if he does, I suspect you have made clear you don't believe him and he resents that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Everything you describe is something that YOU can control. You just have to do it. Take the remote from him; "We're going to watch something I want tonight." Set the laundry basket of his clothes on his lap while he's watching tv. Stop washing his clothes altogether and tell him why. Thing is, ASKING doesn't work; men are often raised to just ignore it. Actions do.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

John Lee said:


> *The problem with this attitude is that it sounds like you don't see the chores as your responsibility in the first place. You're "helping" your spouse, and you see it as your pleasure to withhold the help if you have a problem with how she asks.
> 
> Obviously there are extreme cases, e.g. marriedtech's spouse sounds a little too anal for anybody to ever meet her standards. But I also think a lot of guys use this as an excuse to not do chores.*


*Far from it, JohnLee: She did little to nothing of the household work! Her three truant kids did none and were not required to. A lot of times I have a hard time believing that she married me for little more than being a butler and a sounding board to vent on whenever she saw fit. I just told her that if she didn't like it to improve on it.

She even griped about the farm and ranching duties that I did. To her, she exuded perfection; and no one else could even come close! Trust me, if she ever ran me off of a task, I simply went and did another! And she was not shy at all about telling you that you were to never perform a task that she ran you away from ever again! I am very far from being a lazy person, much like she was ~ IMHO, she just loved to vociferously complain in trying to foster a well-intended, self-serving power play!*


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> For my part I do the tradition “man of the house” jobs but also like to cook on the weekends / will happily put the laundry on. When it comes to cleaning it is always me who pulls out the wall units, oven, freezers etc as no one else has the strength for it.


That's largely part of our issue here as well. I do all the normal husband stuff plus a load of extra outdoor duties before I ever do a single thing of profitable work for income of which BTW I pay for over half the bills plus put money in savings all while being self employed and making around 1/3 to 1/2 the average monthly take home pay she does. 

The electric bill is mine, all of the house and vehicle maintenance plus insurance is mine and 100% of the heating is my responsibility as well. 

She has the phone bill which being she works for the phone company is at best half of what anyone's normal bill is plus she gets a very good health package for us there as well. 




> What a surprise the “lazy messy” lad you meet at college and married is now a “lazy messy” husband.
> Why is it that people (women more so than men I think) meet someone, marry them and then try to change them?
> 
> By all means try and sit down together and work out a rota / household jobs list so that you each do a share, make sure that you each understand what is expected of you, (I am sure he will have some suggestions). Why have you let it go this long (8 years) or get this bad? By doing so you have just let him know that his behavior up until now has been acceptable.


Similar issue here too. When we first met I made it very clear I am not a knight in shining armor looking for a princess to save. I told her outright I am more like Shrek. If you need saving do it yourself. I had to do it for myself. 

I am content to live in my quaint old swamp tree and have very little interest in having a high end high maintenance castle. If you want one you will have to get it yourself. 

I am and always have been a rural prairie dweller not a city boy. If you want to live here get used to it. It's what I call home and I like it here.

I live and always have lived in the country. We do not have public transportation that comes to our front door every 10 minutes so if you want something you have to make/take the initiative to get in the damn car and drive the 15 miles to town and get it yourself. 

We do not have paved highly maintained roads everywhere here either so if you want to go someplace you have to learn to drive in the conditions that are present otherwise wait until I need to go to town which may not happen for two to three days.

Love me and I will love you back. If you don't like doing something then get used to frigging waiting until I feel the need to look into it myself and believe me when I say nit picky crap is way way way at the bottom of my list. 
Laundry will be done as the baskets fill up. Vacuuming (I hate vacuuming) will be done every 2 - 3 weeks unless I see reasons otherwise. 
The garbage will be taken out as needed. 
If your car ran out of window wash and you don't tell me about it it won't get filled however when you put gas in you can buy a jug and refill it yourself. 
The check engine light was on when I got the vehicle ten years ago and relates to something that does not affect it nor is it worth the time and money it would take to fix the problem. Trust me I am a highly resourceful and skilled service tech.mechanic so quit *****ing or get it to a shop and have it fixed yourself. 

I am a skilled and proficient fabricator and carpenter but I have little time and interest in doing your basic DIY projects fore you. I have the tools and I have the patience to teach you to use them so take advantage of that or do without. You have two arms with hands and a brain so learn to use them. I did. 

I am resourceful and have a good deal of personal abilities and a work ethic that will get what needs done done on time and under budget. If you want to throw cash at garbage to prove to others you have the means to do so don't expect me to agree with it let alone pitch in and enjoy doing it. 

My happiness comes from within me and from the things I do to make my life better. If you think I am responsible for your happiness I will get to it right after I vacuum the house and fix the check engine light on the car. 

Above all I am not a nonstop talker nor do I care about gossip. For me being quiet is not torturous. Neither is being by myself. Being alone is not lonely for me. It never was and never will be. When something is wrong I will say so. Until then assume everything is fine. believe me when I say I will let you know when it's not. 

Love me for who I am and for what I can do. Very few people have my knowledge, intelligence, skill sets or resourcefulness. I am not rich and I likely never will be and even I were to be come rich I still won't live much different than I do now. 

I can change some things about myself that are in need of improvement however understand that I spent a life time building me into who I am so quit trying to tear everything down a rebuild me in your image. I married you for who you are not who I thought you could turn me into.

When I say I love you I mean it and I will mean it until I tell you otherwise whether that changes 10 minutes from now or 50 years from now I will let you know. I promise.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wiltshireman said:


> OP,
> 
> What a surprise the “lazy messy” lad you meet at college and married is now a “lazy messy” husband.
> Why is it that people (women more so than men I think) meet someone, marry them and then try to change them?


MY H's mother was living in his house when I moved in, and stayed another 5 years. It never occurred to me that she was following him around cleaning up after him. Until she moved out and the house fell apart.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> OP,
> 
> What a surprise the “lazy messy” lad you meet at college and married is now a “lazy messy” husband.
> Why is it that people (women more so than men I think) meet someone, marry them and then try to change them?
> ...


Wiltshireman, it's not that I am expecting H to change, in fact I think he changed a bit or was messy after all. In college, his room was always clean and he blamed the common area on his roommates. When we moved in together, we had more defined chores. At the time, I did more around the house because I worked less. It was until two years ago that he had a mental breakdown of sorts and moved back in with his parents for a few months that this started. While he was gone, I took over all responsibility of the house, financial and otherwise and upon his return, things remained this way. With the advice of his counsellor, it was decided that he would slowly take back some of his responsibilities as to not overwhelm him. Unfortunately, this never happened and I have noticed him get lazier as time goes by. 

I am going to have a talk with him about his habits and develop a schedule for chores, hoping to get him back into a routine. I think routine and responsibility is all he needs.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I suggest a posterboard, write out all the chores, and take turns 'choosing' the ones you'll be responsible for, until everything is accounted for.


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