# do men have affiars because they are not getting enough sex?



## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

I've been reading up on emotional needs in relationships. It seems most men rank sex as their number one need. I know in my own 25 year marriage our mismatched libidos has been a source of our biggest conflict. I need it, she doesn't.

If a man is getting all the sex he needs (and wants) in his primary relationship, is that enough to stop him straying? Or does even sex become routine and boring after a while and his eye will still wander?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Good question. I was wondering this myself just the other day. For our situation, I'd say sex was the motivater for my H to check out personals (can't prove he ever hooked up, but he was replying/responding a lot). It was shortly after the birth of our babies and then again after my stroke. He told our MC it was for attention, so maybe it was mix or sexual attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

For guys, sex is both an emotional and physical need. Guys need sex to feel connected emotionally to their partner. Without it, their emotional needs are not being met. When emotional needs are not being met, they can start to consider other ways to have their needs met.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My first husband yes. Even with being a serial cheater he wasn't getting enough, plus he was addicted to porn and everything else. 

My husband now, no way! I fully trust him. He would never put himself in a position to cheat!

It fully depends on the man. Women cheat too, so it goes both ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

*Dean* said:


> For many it's driven by ego.
> 
> They want and need the attention. Feel really desired.
> Can they still get a woman. Creates excitement that may be missing.


Yep, that's my H. The babies came and all eyes on me and my babies.... The stroke - again all eyes on me. He was not getting any attention and our sex life was gone for a little while. I think what made our situation so bad too is that my H attention span is very short. He has been working on that core issue. Maybe he can put up with longer than 2 weeks without sex should medical issue occur again. Sorry for the tangent, I really have been thinking about this exact thing lately!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

I say yes..... When you take out serial cheaters and narcissists, that I am convinced is the #1 reason.

A happy loving sex filled home life and who wants for more. I'll add being a shallow male, a spouse who looks and stays in as good a shape as on her wedding day.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I don't know, I had an ex who cheated on me for our entire relationship and there was no lack in sex. But then again, he is/was a sociopath and it was always about him. That and he was a total failure in life.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Lack of sex is one of the most common reasons for a man to cheat.

What makes me laugh is wives who constantly refuse sex, yet they get so angry when their men cheat. Uh, hello? What the hell do they expect? :rofl:

People who don't like sex need to stay single.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yes. i have never cheated, and probably never will. i am compelled to fantasize about other women when i am not getting attention from my wife. i become weak minded and IF i was ever presented with the opportunity, it could happen.

conversely, if we happen to get on a hot streak (its rare) my focus is entirely on her and i cant wait to be with her again. and she is visibly happier and more vivacious. this is how i want my marriage to be. i dont know if she is just too stupid to see it or what.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Lack of sex, lack of attention, lack of attraction, boredom ... whatever ... they are all just excuses.

People cheat because they choose to - they choose to ignore, give up, or not work on the issues.

They choose to go the weak route of self-indulgence instead of the strong route of 'fix it' or 'get out'.

Ironic that the weak/easy route ends up costing a lot more and being a lot harder in the long run because it just compounds all of your problems. imho


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

Most cheating does not happen in a vacuum. It is easy to focus on the actual betrayal as it is the spectacularly overt breaking of the trust, but no picture of cheating is complete without the context behind it. Just check out any number of threads in the Infidelity forum and you will see a number of different contexts.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Zzyzx said:


> Most cheating does not happen in a vacuum. It is easy to focus on the actual betrayal as it is the spectacularly overt breaking of the trust, but no picture of cheating is complete without the context behind it. Just check out any number of threads in the Infidelity forum and you will see a number of different contexts.


:iagree::iagree:

While I believe that cheating is wrong, I cannot ignore the fact that BS certainly play a part in most cases.

Is there any "excuse" for being sexually closed off or emotionally distant in a marriage? Barring any mental or physical difficulties, I think not.

Some things are understandable even if they are wrong.

My father cheated on my mother. However, my mother was a screaming, insulting and miserable prude. She treated my father like garbage. He should have confronted the issues head on instead of cheating, but I also feel sorry for the poor man.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

There is always the option of leaving the miserable relationship. There isn't any excuse to cheat. None.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

UCanTalk said:


> If a man is getting all the sex he needs (and wants) in his primary relationship, is that enough to stop him straying? Or does even sex become routine and boring after a while and his eye will still wander?


I am always bringing hormonal levels into these discussions, you will simply have to forgive me, I have read too much about it...statistically the HIGHER testosterone man will have more affairs & one night stands, it is a known fact... it is just more of a temptation for them, the magnet to steel intensity is HIGHER... 

A man's* beliefs *& *self controlled Integrity *will show in how he deals with these things -if he goes over the edge (and hides or comes clean) , or STOPS it in it's tracks.... many NEED to be able to look themselves in the mirror every day . 

The Higher test men are more antsy, they often can indulge in the physical without any care for the emotional -which puts them again... higher at risk .....their need for sex is very very high, they also get bored easier, and crave more variety. It is a part of Testosterone's curse. 

Even as a woman, I encountered those feelings for 8 months straight, for the 1st time in my life , I felt , had my husband NOT been there for me, I really think if I was in a tempting situation, I could have FELL. Now coming from me, the type of marraige I have, this is HUGE, it was a very scary thought....I NEVER in all of my 40 yrs 'felt' that way before - and it was all HORMONAL, it affected my brain. Thankfully, he was there for me in every way!

Now my husband is a Lower test men, he is the "born to be faithful type" ... he also NEEDS the emotional connection in sex -even if he was suffering a sexual drought for yrs.. sure that would be hell on him, but HE would be able to withstand it (so he tells me )... A higher test male ....he is more aggressive, he'd go LITERALLY Crazy under those circumstances, cause fights, ANGER unleashed, he would have to divorce, or a chance he would fall into something he shouldn't have. (I am more like this over my husband)

Other issues like:

1. What "quality" of sex is happening at home... if the wife is only indulging in *Pity sex*, he is going to feel that, and hate it eventually...start fantasizing about another & how it might be. 

2. If the marraige is near sexless, I pity the man, he should divorce her, why live your life in frustration & pain. 

3. Has some *hard core porn *warped his sense of enjoyment & he is continually seeking new novelty...his fantasies may want to take on reality. 


4. * Physical attraction *can also play a role for many men..

5. Any *unresolved resentment *creeped into the marraige. If it is near sexless or pity sex, I am sure the resentment is raging. 

Speaking of the Emotional Connection..... Is he the type that craves the emotional connection along with sex....If so and he is getting this at home with his wife , even if not as much as he wants - then sex won't get boring, he will just want more of it... but if the emotional connection is NOT there,lacking terribly... he may be tempted to seek it out somewhere else....

Talk about these things openly with your wife....and please each other.... and attitude & enthusiam can never be underestimated in these things .... learn what each partner needs & desires, don't make any excuses, if you don't understand your partners higher drive, you better get clued in, cause those feelings just don't go away. I always find it Heartbreaking to hear a man come to this site and literally ask if he should be castrated or to find a pill to lower his sex drive, I would like to clobber those wives. 

Get this book.... It has questions & worksheets to do together - helps see if you can reconcile ....& remain happy within a marraige - if the libidos are too far off.

Amazon.com: When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life (9781569242711): Sandra Pertot: Books

It has chapters on the 10 Libido types listed.....

1. Sensual
2. Erotic
3. Compulsive
4. Dependent
5. Stressed
6. Disinterested
7. Detached
8. Addictive
9. Entitled
10. Reactive


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Reasons for cheating depend on each individual I never cheated during my 20 year marriage simply because I valued my word. This in spite of finding out nearing the end that my ex who had deprived me of a normal sex life or even compassion had been doing so for years.
I see many women accuse men on this board of "disliking" women or even "hating" them because of actions by their ex's.
I will admit to harboring enough distrust that I'm very cautious with the women I see now days.
I find it strange that my sex life has improved by leaps and bounds now that I'm single and can either take it or leave it.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

And yet again I ask..... Answer the question.

It can be a yes or a no and you can explain your reasoning, but these wishy washy responses are just that.

I said yes, except in cases of narcissists & serial cheaters. A perfect example is in the Infidelity section and the Thread entitled Karma. He cheated because he could...... A classic Narcissist & Serial cheater...... Show me someone who cheats not because of sex and I will show you a narcissist/serial cheater and that is their reason détre.....


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Stryker said:


> do men have affiars because they are not getting enough sex?
> 
> It should be "DO WOMEN have Affairs ,becoz they are not getting enough Sex...??
> 
> ...


It's not only a man or woman thing. It's a people thing. I can only speak from a straight woman aspect, but almost every guy I've been with has cheated on me at some point, and it wasn't due to lack of sex or love. At least, not a lack on my end.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stryker said:


> do men have affiars because they are not getting enough sex?
> 
> It should be "DO WOMEN have Affairs ,becoz they are not getting enough Sex...??
> 
> ...


Please provide a link from a valid study that shows that women are more likely to cheat than men.

Every study I've seen shows that before women had equal right, men were far more likely to cheat than women.

Now, in the USA, where women have mostly equal rights, they still a little less likely to cheat as men do.. but it's almost the same % of men and women who cheat now.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> It's not only a man or woman thing. It's a people thing. I can only speak from a straight woman aspect, but almost every guy I've been with has cheated on me at some point, and it wasn't due to lack of sex or love. At least, not a lack on my end.


And they were, let me guess "bad boys"and fit my subset above.

And let me guess (though you've admitted it), you make the same mistake over and over.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> It's not only a man or woman thing. It's a people thing. I can only speak from a straight woman aspect, but almost every guy I've been with has cheated on me at some point, and it wasn't due to lack of sex or love. At least, not a lack on my end.


:iagree::iagree: From my experience men who cheat do it ecause they can. They put themselves in situations where there are plenty of women who are willing to help them on this end. It's an ego boost i guess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> And they were, let me guess "bad boys"and fit my subset above.



In my case, not they were not "bad boys". I never dated bad boys... they are superfical jerks. Only dumb women date bad boys.




Havesomethingtosay said:


> And let me guess (though you've admitted it), you make the same mistake over and over.


So now it's her fault that they cheated? I see.

The fact is that in dating way over 50% of all men cheat. In marriage it's between 50%-60%. It can be pretty hard to know going into a relationship who will cheat and who will not. Look at all the stories here of the many people who never believed their spouse could ever cheat.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

"Valid Study",,,??

Michelle Langley wrote The Reality after doing her Research on Women's Infidelity...

Women's Anatomy and Physiology make them more Sexually Emotional....Thats The Basis...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stryker said:


> "Valid Study",,,??
> 
> Michelle Langley wrote The Reality after doing her Research on Women's Infidelity...
> 
> Women's Anatomy and Physiology make them more Sexually Emotional....Thats The Basis...


How many women and how many men did she poll to determine that women are more likely to cheat?

Your claim that women are more likely to cheat has no basis in reality.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Yeah I have to agree with that too. The question "do men have affiars because they are not getting enough sex" sounds very sexist to me too. IT virtually screams that women never cheat only men.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stryker said:


> "Valid Study",,,??
> 
> Michelle Langley wrote The Reality after doing her Research on Women's Infidelity...
> 
> Women's Anatomy and Physiology make them more Sexually Emotional....Thats The Basis...


On her web site Michelle Langley says *"women are now cheating as much as men".* She does not claim that women cheat more than men. You mischaracterize what she says.

http://womensinfidelity.com/


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> In my case, not they were not "bad boys". I never dated bad boys... they are superfical jerks. Only dumb women date bad boys.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I just asked a question. Don't blame her, just asking if they all met the criteria I set out in answering the question asked. Geez, every single one has cheated. If the odds are 50%/50% and let's say she has had 5 boyfriends cheat on hr the math is .50X.50X.50X.50X.50 = 0.03125% that is equal to 1 in 32..... I think that answers the question in my favour or she has the worst luck ever picking men.....


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

On her web site Michelle Langley says "women are now cheating as much as men". She does not claim that women cheat more than men. You mischaracterize what she says.

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity


---No,My Lady Friend, You shud read it COMPREHENSIVELY...then you will know I was citing it right...

More than Michelle Langley's book...The Fact remains...from Ages...


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## Badsmit (Dec 29, 2011)

I am not justifing it but Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

It is wwrong but after a man has exuahsted al other options ( a real effort to fix the relationship and address his partenes needs), You are asking him to provide and live a life style of wanting something that his partner can give but choose not to.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> And they were, let me guess "bad boys"and fit my subset above.
> 
> And let me guess (though you've admitted it), you make the same mistake over and over.


No, I have never been attracted to the "bad boy" bull crap. My oldest sons father was a compulsive liar who liked to do it just because he could. While I was 8 months pregnant with a child he begged me for. And while I was pregnant, I was always incredibly horny, so it wasn't lack of sex.

The last guy was a sociopath, and a serial cheater. Another one who would "just because he could" And he certainly had no problems stealing from my purse. Not a bad boy, just a bad person with no conscience.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stryker said:


> On her web site Michelle Langley says "women are now cheating as much as men". She does not claim that women cheat more than men. You mischaracterize what she says.
> 
> Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity
> 
> ...


I quoted from her web site. You are twisting what she is saying. Please provide the quote from her website where she says women cheat more than men do.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> No, I have never been attracted to the "bad boy" bull crap. My oldest sons father was a compulsive liar who liked to do it just because he could. While I was 8 months pregnant with a child he begged me for. And while I was pregnant, I was always incredibly horny, so it wasn't lack of sex.
> 
> The last guy was a sociopath, and a serial cheater. Another one who would "just because he could" And he certainly had no problems stealing from my purse. Not a bad boy, just a bad person with no conscience.


Actually you just answered my question..... Yes Narcissist/serial cheater..... Thanks


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Hey stryker, what a waste hey!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stryker said:


> More Facts on Women:
> 
> There are More Lesbians than Male homosexuals in this World...


Again.. please provide a link to a valid study that comes to this conclusion. You cannot just throw out nonsense as fact. Just because you think there are more lesbians does not mean there are.

The fact is that there is no study that can collusively tell how many homosexuals exist in the world and how many are male and how many are female.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Badsmit said:


> I am not justifing it but Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
> 
> It is wwrong but after a man has exuahsted al other options ( a real effort to fix the relationship and address his partenes needs), You are asking him to provide and live a life style of wanting something that his partner can give but choose not to.


Then. The. Man. Should. Leave. Period. Why would you want to stay with someone that makes you so miserable that you'd go out and cheat. Why the hell would you risk bringing some crotch rot home to your spouse? That just baffles me.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Actually you just answered my question..... Yes Narcissist/serial cheater..... Thanks


Mmkay? You asked if they were bad boys, not people with mental health issues.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Actually you just answered my question..... Yes Narcissist/serial cheater..... Thanks


It is very convenient to label any cheater who is not cheating due to lack of sex as a Narcissist or having some other mental health issue. Since 50%-60% of all men cheat on their spouses, and many more cheat on their girlfriends, there must be a lot of mentally ill men in his world by our assessment… all Narcissists and psychopaths. Lay people should not be in the business of trying to label everyone they with mental health labels for their own convenience. It serves no purpose.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Badsmit said:


> I am not justifing it but Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
> 
> It is wwrong but after a man has exuahsted al other options ( a real effort to fix the relationship and address his partenes needs), You are asking him to provide and live a life style of wanting something that his partner can give but choose not to.


Some men cheat because they are not getting enough sex at home. 

But it's hardly the only reason men cheat. I know this for a fact.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

FROM "WOMEN'S Infidelity.....



*Why women can't tell men what they really want
*


*Why women like getting married but not being married.........????????? WHY???


*
*Why women lose sexual desire for their husbands and what women really do want sexually......WHY??????

*

*Why women are more likely than men to become addicted to affair sex.....WHY???



Why marriage and fidelity can actually be MORE difficult for women than it is for men...WHY????



Why women overwhelmingly initiate the majority of all divorces - even when they're married to men who love and treat them well...WHY?????
*

*WHY?????*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stryker said:


> Ele Girl
> 
> Its The Nonsense that you believe Women are fine...without all these "blame" I am doing against them...
> 
> First , stop being biased...and then check your INERTIA of Knowledge...to know The Reality...


Stryker,

To start with your way of writing is very hard to understand. 

Secondly you see to twist things to fit your own point of view.

I deal in facts. I’m a scientist and an engineer. I deal in facts as best they can be observed and recorded.

The observed and recorded facts on the issues show that in today’s society in the USA woman cheat at almost the same rate as men cheat. The studies also show that no one can determine the number of homosexuals that exist or how many there are in each sex. So give it up.

You even mis-site what Michelle Langley has to say. You are being intellectually dishonest. There are too many intelligent people here for them to fall for your nonsense.

Further, do not condescend to me because I’m a woman. You will lose. I have incredible ability to read, comprehend and decipher facts. This is why I earn the big bucks.

You cannot even provide any valid scientific studies that back up your silly claims.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Stryker said:


> FROM "WOMEN'S Infidelity.....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


---*For Ele , to read COMPREHENSIVELY ,WITHOUT ANY MYOPIA or IMPULSIVE CONCLUSIONS...!!!*

What do you say about This ?

I havent Mis-construed on what Michelle herself depicted...

Right Spirits...( your personal troubles , if any , with Men, shud not blind your eyes from seeing The Objective Facts...)


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

People stay in a bad relationship for a number of reasons. Often, I think, it's either financial or family. In my case, I really really didn't want to split up my family and have my kids dividing their time between two households. Yet the intimacy aspect of our marriage was one of the things tat was simply unacceptable to me. 

It's easy to say "oh, you should just leave"... Much much harder to put it in practice.

In the end, I had two exit affair partners. I'm not proud of it, but it was a foolish last ditch attempt to keep the family together and still have my happiness. At that point, I knew my wife wasn't changing her spots,. The decision to cheat was entirely mine. I made a very conscious decision to seek out a partner.

What did I find out? First off, I really really wish I'd never done that. Even if I don't cheat on a future partner (and I plan on never doing that again), I'll be a cheater for the rest of my life. So even though I had no fallout from getting caught, I still have (selfish) regrets.

Second, it's difficult for me to separate sex and emotions. And it wasn't just sex I was missing, it was the entire intimacy component.

Finally, the end result was the same or me. I could have just left my marriage 6 months earlier, kept my honor intact, and just been in a much better place. Cheating and me just didn't get along... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stryker,

Here are numbers from the General Social Survey (GSS) funded by the National Science Foundation that show both of us wrong in some aspects.

“fewer than 5 percent of men and 3 percent of women are statistically unfaithful on a yearly basis according the rigorously controlled General Social Survey (GSS) funded by the National Science Foundation, according to Dr. Tom Smith, director.”

“It turns out that the high cheating numbers (of over 50 percent) come from Internet infidelity mavens and a designated cheaters website. In talking with me, W. Bradford Wilcox, Ph.D., Director of the Marriage Project at the University of Virginia reaffirmed his scientific research noting that 22 percent of ever-married men and 14 percent of ever-married women have had an extra-marital affair over the course of their lifetime”

Low Infidelity, Shock Statistics, and the Forgiveness Factor | Psychology Today

So it seems that the study by General Social Survey (GSS) funded by the National Science Foundation shows two things… one that the percentage of married people who cheat is much lower than the popularly printed number … for lifetime numbers.. men each at a rate of 22% and women at a rate of 14%. Thus women cheat at a lower rate then men.. .but not much lower.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Hold the phone....Let's back this truck up for a moment.

Ellegirl, you called yourself a scientist? I find this really hard to believe. My reasons..

A scientist looks at ALL facts before coming to a conclusion about anything. In all your posts, I haven't one single mention about evolution and the survival of the species. As a scientist, you should very well know that men went from one sexual partner to another to spread his sead and ensuring his blood line for millions of years and nature wired him thusly. This has been going on for millions of years. Monogomy has only been going on since the birth of christianity, only a few thousand years. This gives evolution one hell of a head start here.

In all your posts, there hasn't been one ingle mention of any of this. That's one hell of a blunder for a scientist don't you think??


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

I love how people change the topic or refuse to read the posts and answer the question. I said the majority of men cheat because they are not getting sex (and a by product of that may indeed be intimacy). Those that are cheating for other reasons are primarily narcissists/serial cheaters. Even when someone lays out their cheating boyfriends/spouse's and says in essence they were narcissists and serial cheaters, they seem unable to admit it....

Now take a look again at my probability example if people cheat 50% of the time. If you have hooked up with 5 cheaters in a row (and you are putting out), that says something about your choice in men as it is a very difficult proposition if just by chance.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Diolay said:


> Monogomy has only been going on since the birth of christianity, only a few thousand years. This gives evolution one hell of a head start here.


Monogamy predates Christianity. And the idea evolution trumps anything is crap.

Were that the case, no human being would be able to overcome the evolutionary urge to eat themselves crosseyed whilst making no effort whatsoever.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PBear said:


> People stay in a bad relationship for a number of reasons. Often, I think, it's either financial or family. In my case, I really really didn't want to split up my family and have my kids dividing their time between two households. Yet the intimacy aspect of our marriage was one of the things tat was simply unacceptable to me.
> 
> It's easy to say "oh, you should just leave"... Much much harder to put it in practice.
> 
> ...


Withhold sex from a spouse (be it the wife or the husband doing it) is emotional abuse.

Yes there are times when one spouse is having a hard time wanting sex because of emotional issues and the couple should work together on getting through that. But if they will not work on it, then there is abuse involved.

While infidelity is wrong... you are also only human.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

This statistic is a bit misleading. Just because the woman initiates the divorce.. meaning files the divorce papers, it does not mean that she is the one who asked for the divorce or that she is leaving a man who treats her well.

I have been divorce twice.

My first husband was mentally and physically abusive. I left him when he tried to kill me with the straight razor. I filed for divorce. He wanted me to come back, cried, blah blah blah. I’m not a fool.. I divorced him.

My second husband was also mentally abusive. He was not at first but over time he became that way. He also eventually cheated on me with many women. Eventually he asked me for a divorce. So I moved out to one of our other homes with our son. After 6 months he had not filed for divorce. And he has harassing me. I filed for divorce because I needed the protection from his continued abuse and adultery.


---hmm,it was understandably tough, .. there in,due to the... Tribulations and a hardened emotion in viewing almost all Men to be representatives of such genre..


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Michelle Langley’s book is an interesting book. Her study is ONE study out of hundreds if not thousands. She does not address everything that pertains to the issues of infidelity.
> 
> ---*She has indeed correlated with The Objective Reality,though she according to you has not given more detailing...which for you is hard to be agreed upon..
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Diolay said:


> Elegirl, you brought up being a scientist. Not me.
> And it seems very strange that as a scientist, to say evolotion has absolutly no role to play in who and what we are today is somewhat bizzare.


I did not say that evolutino has no role to play in what goes on today. I said that I am looking at statistics from studies that look at behaviors in today's socieity.

Now can you tell me why, with what you want to say about evolution... the percentage of women who cheat today is much higher then it was in the past generations? And yet it is still lower than the percentage of men who cheat?

Please give us your assessment on that through the lense of human evolution.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stryker said:


> ---If suppose one wants to speculate that I am bitter about women in some similar fashion, then they are sadly mistaken..
> 
> Women in My Life ,have been endearing, respectful,graceful and supportive to me ,according to my subjective experiences in my Life..I havent had any hardships from the women I lived with, studied with , work/ed with.
> 
> But _The Opinion _is an *Objective POV*..a *Universal Fact*...


LOL

What "The Opinion" is an "Objective POV" and where is the data to back up this "universal fact"?

:rofl:


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Much has been said in this thread but here's my somewhat redundant views.

The statement that "Group A of humans will make Decision B because of Cause X" ...will never be completely accurate.

Some men and a smaller number of women seem predisposed to cheat regardless of what is happening in their marriage. 

There is no sharp line between those predisposed and those not. Opportunity, circumstances, belief systems and the person's sex drive will all play a role in determining where someone falls on the continuum. Sex drives change over the course of a person's life. Those with a modest or no sex drive are far less likely to cheat under any circumstances. 

I think more men cheat then women almost entirely as a result of biology. In purely biological terms, monogamy makes far more reproductive sense for women than men. 

A failing sex life puts the marriage at risk in every way possible. Someone who is not normally predisposed to seek sex outside of the marriage is far more likely to do so if they are unhappy with sex in the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So I provide statistics from a scientific study and you say it's kindergarden. :rofl:


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

do not get upset if people read what you say and believe that you mean exactly what you say.

I didn't get upset by what he said. Only you did.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Diolay said:


> do not get upset if people read what you say and believe that you mean exactly what you say.
> 
> I didn't get upset by what he said. Only you did.


I did not get up set by what he said. I only asked him to back up what he said. He apparently cannot back it up. Oh well.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lionelhutz said:


> Much has been said in this thread but here's my somewhat redundant views.
> 
> The statement that "Group A of humans will make Decision B because of Cause X" ...will never be completely accurate.
> 
> ...


Lionel, you simply know the reality of it -its all right here, and their isn't anything redundant about it . :iagree:


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Stryker,
> 
> When a person says :
> 
> ...


----------



## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> LOL
> 
> What "The Opinion" is an "Objective POV" and where is the data to back up this "universal fact"?
> 
> ...


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Statistically, women don't cheat for the sake of sex. It's of secondary concern for them. The #1 reason why they cheat is for an emotional connection. And this is particularly true of women over the age of 30.

In more than a few instances, women won't even cheat physically. They will carry on emotional affairs...where they'll fall in love and experience emotional intimacy with a men, while never taking it to the physical level. It's these type of affairs that can continue on for years, without ever being detected, and often leaving a wake of destruction in their path.

Studies have found that in long-term relationships, women, whether they work outside of the house or not, often find themselves "shut out" emotionally. Over 70% of women are still the primary caregivers for their children while also being the cook and the maid...whether or not they have a full or part-time job. This leaves them precious little time for themselves to foster a woman's natural urge to grow emotionally. An urge typical ignored by men whose primary interest is physical contact.

*Thus the longing for a man who can "see who they really are" begins. And in the weeks, months or even years that follow, they will usually find such a man - or think they've found one. An interesting point to takeaway of this female need for an "emotional bond" : affairs initiated by women generally last 3 times long than those initiated by men.*

----source Infidelity Facts...

to be contd..


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

@ The "Biology Argument of Ele" 


-----------






*Biochemical research points to a natural four-year sexual cycle for the human female. This apparently allows enough time after childbirth for the average mother in a state of savagery to regain her ability to survive without male provisioning. In the absence of any system of marriage, a woman’s natural tendency is to “liberate” herself from her mate after that point. When her hormones prompt her to reproduce again, she simply takes a new mate.


2 Vol. 7, No. 2 The Occidental Quartererly


Langley cites Helen Fisher’s Anatomy of Love and Burnham and Phelan’s Mean Genes in support of this account. According to the latter, separation and divorce are most likely to occur in the fourth year of marriage “across more than sixty radically different cultures.”
Feral female sexual behavior is governed by a number of chemicals. The euphoria of infatuation is associated with the stimulant pheylethylamine, naturally produced in the body by erotic attraction. As with other drugs, it is addictive, and people gradually build up a tolerance to it, requiring ever-greater levels to achieve the same effect. Over time, it loses its power over us, and infatuation is replaced by a calm feeling of attachment to our mates. 


There are neurochemical factors at work here as well. But the feeling of attachment or bondedness is akin to the effect of a sedative or narcotic rather than a stimulant.


Next there are hormones to consider. The sex drive, in both men and women, is linked to testosterone levels. These are, of course, always higher in men; but the difference is greatest in early adulthood when people have traditionally taken their mates.


As men age, their testosterone levels gradually decrease; women’s levels rise. 

Going into their thirties, women get hairier, their voices deepen, and they behave more assertively. 

And, in the author’s words, “it’s also quite common for them to experience a dramatic increase in their desire for other men.”

(Langley cites Theresa Crenshaw’s The Alchemy of Love and Lust and Michael Liebowitz’s The Chemistry of Love on these matters.)


The author is not a professional researcher in any of these fields herself. She relates that, after four years of happy marriage and shortly after her 27th birthday, she began to feel bored and unhappy for no apparent reason. She turned to a number of books and professionals, all of whom agreed that the fault lay with her husband; she adopted this now conventional view for a time herself. Fortunately—and unlike most women—she kept digging for answers. She met women, at first accidentally, who described similar experiences, and questioned them. Later she began seeking women out for lengthy interviews. She eventually interviewed men as well. It is worth noting that she managed to devote several hours a week to this research without any degree in sociology or taxpayer-funded grants. Gradually, consistent patterns began to emerge from the stories she was hearing. “By the time I stopped counting, I had interviewed 123 women and 72 men…. I found it fascinating that something so prevalent could be kept so secret.”


What, then, did she learn?

First, women are more likely than men to confuse sexual attraction with love. The sexes speak differently of the feelings associated with the early stages of a romantic affair:


Most men I have talked to call it infatuation, 

but most of the women I have talked to call it being in love…

................................Women in particular may believe that, if they find the right person, intense feelings can last. They’ve been taught to believe that they should only want sex with someone they love. ....................................................................................................*


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

*Lesbianism and Bi -Sexuality of Women...


Our biology offers some insight into why lesbian behavior is more widely accepted than homosexual behavior. Apparently, female sexuality is much more likely to be fluid (i.e. bisexual) while male sexuality is more likely to be dichotomous and rigid (i.e. either gay or straight.)

Some studies have shown that there are anatomical differences in certain brain structures (the hypothalamus and anterior commissure) in homosexual and heterosexual males. No corresponding dichotomy was found in the brain structures of lesbian and straight women.

Another study suggests that homosexual orientation in men may be a genetically inherited trait. However, all of these studies have been criticized for their methodological biases that reflect the homophobic prejudices of the general public.

Studies using plethysmographs -- an instrument that measures physiological arousal -- also point to a biological answer for explaining the differences in male and female sexuality. Heterosexual women hooked up to a plethysmograph showed symptoms of physiological arousal in response to lesbian erotica; even those women who denied having interest in sex with another woman showed arousal in these tests.

Heterosexual men, on the other hand, were much less likely to experience physiological arousal while watching male homosexual acts. 

Thus, women appear to be more likely to be bi-curious. Other insights into the topic come from the differences in arousal experienced by the sexes.

Biologically, women require a longer period of time to reach arousal and thus need more foreplay than men do. Lesbian acts are often described as continuous foreplay or "all play," and, thus, may appeal to many women who crave longer foreplay and longer sexual interaction than they receive with their male partners. Of course, it is difficult to separate the biological predisposition from the social conditioning described below.

Find out which evolutionary and sociological factors predisposed you to being turned on by two women getting it on... *

*Evolutionary answers to our question find their root in early human history. 

Those early days of evolving social structures featured a dominant male and a group of females; this male-female dynamic may have continued on into modern day life. Proponents of evolutionary theory argue that the dominant male had sexual access to females and usually fought any other male who sought access to supremacy. Thus, male-male relationships were characterized by hostility and competition for access to the females.
*
*On the other hand, females in the pack were only intermittently serviced by the dominant male and, at other times, could assuage their sexual desires only with each other. 
*
Moreover, the sight of two females engaging in sexual activity may have triggered the dominant male's arousal, as it was a sign that one or both of the females were entering their fertile periods. 

*The offspring that resulted from these unions would therefore be more likely to carry genes that favored bisexuality in women and a positive male response to that bisexuality.

*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stryker,

Give it up. Copying text from who knows where proves nothing. Making text red also does not prove anything.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

*Throughout the centuries, women have been expected to be caring and nurturing, and therefore have been permitted far more physical contact with each other than their male counterparts. Being affectionate with another woman does not threaten a woman's sense of femininity, whereas a male expression of affection toward another man is viewed as a direct threat to his masculinity.
*
Society has always bestowed greater shame and punishment on male homosexuals than upon lesbians. 

In fact, lesbian acts have been considered quite proper in harems and polygamous marriages( eg.A Large number of wives of a King, ie queens, concubines and their caretaking Eunuchs in PALACES) -- which were common in many societies in ancient times and still exist in some cultures today.

Freud suggested that men frequently suffered from "castration anxiety" and that male homosexuality could well engender such fears, while female bisexuality would not. Thus, to some extent, the social antipathy to male homosexuality may be based on such primordial fears.

On the other hand, women are taught to be pleasing to men in order to attract a mate, and having been told that men get turned on by girl-girl erotica, they are more likely to engage in lesbian acts in order to please their men.

The common male fantasy of a "threesome," i.e. one male and two females, is something that many women learn about and that gives them the impression that men enjoy watching women together. 

This desire to please may thus encourage women to develop their bisexual interests.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Stryker,
> 
> Give it up. Copying text from who knows where proves nothing. Making text red also does not prove anything.


Ha ha.. Little Big Ele Girl, you cant suppress The Truths..can you?

Now , I shall finish doing the "Copy Paste" and then give the Explanations and further LINKS...


----------



## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Dr. Victoria Zdrok earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Drexel University, a J.D. from Villanova Law School and her certificate in sex therapy from New Jersey School of Medicine. 

She is the author of *Anatomy of Pleasure*, and is the monthly sex advice columnist for Penthouse Magazine (for whom she was 2004 Pet of the Year). 

You can ask her questions three times a week on her radio talk show at ElectricEyeRadio.com, 

or visit her at her website, SexySexpert.com


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stryker said:


> Ha ha.. Little Big Ele Girl, you cant suppress The Truths..can you?
> 
> Now , I shall finish doing the "Copy Paste" and then give the Explanations and further LINKS...


The turth? What a bunch of ranting nonsense by whoever it is you are quoting? It's all conjecture. 

Give it up. I'm not reading the nonsense you post and will not waste any more time on you. It seems that you have a problem with women. A problem which causes you want to insult and use putdowns.

:scratchhead:


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The turth? What a bunch of ranting nonsense by whoever it is you are quoting? It's all conjecture.
> 
> Give it up. I'm not reading the nonsense you post and will not waste any more time on you. It seems that you have a problem with women. A problem which causes you want to insult and use putdowns.
> 
> :scratchhead:



---Ranting..Nonsense..., Well, I have QUOTED WOMEN ,Michelle and Victoria here ...and I dont have any issue with Women , and I AM NOT INSULTING WOMEN...if thats the CASE, Michelle and ....

also Victoria and PLUS All The Evolutionary Scientists , Sociologists, Psychologists are "INSULTING " and PUTTING DOWN WOMEN...???:scratchhead:?? :scratchhead


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stryker said:


> ---Ranting..Nonsense..., Well, I have QUOTED WOMEN ,Michelle and Victoria here ...and I dont have any issue with Women , and I AM NOT INSULTING WOMEN...if thats the CASE, Michelle and ....
> 
> also Victoria and PLUS All The Evolutionary Scientists , Sociologists, Psychologists are "INSULTING " and PUTTING DOWN WOMEN...???:scratchhead:?? :scratchhead


I was talking about you.. not the people you are quoting.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Hey Stryker. I really have to agree with Elegirl. You best give it up.

She is obviously not a scientist as she claims. She's out to make a point and that's it. Her mind is totally closed to anything different to what she believes. 

What you're up against here is a belief and that's all. Problem with faith and belief is that all logic and intelligence goes out the window. That's just the way ot works.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Diolay said:


> Hey Stryker. I really have to agree with Elegirl. You best give it up.
> 
> She is obviously not a scientist as she claims. She's out to make a point and that's it. Her mind is totally closed to anything different to what she believes.
> 
> What you're up against here is a belief and that's all. Problem with faith and belief is that all logic and intelligence goes out the window. That's just the way ot works.


:scratchhead: :scratchhead:

:rofl::rofl:


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

I was talking about you.. not the people you are quotiing

---Its All The Same...you accusing Me of Insulting and putting down is as good as accusing Michelle and Dr.Victoria..plus it shows , you dont agree to The Universal Findings...by Scientists,Sociologists ,Psychologists and The Sciences of Epistemology...

FYI, I have no personal issues , with Women...never in my Life, I had a woman having bitterness and issues with Me , that I feel bitter as well...I have been Both generous and firm as situation needed Me to be...I have maintained and maintain Magnanimity with those who were Antagonistic..in any measure that they were...or are..if at all..


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Diolay said:


> Hey Stryker. I really have to agree with Elegirl. You best give it up.
> 
> She is obviously not a scientist as she claims. She's out to make a point and that's it. Her mind is totally closed to anything different to what she believes.
> 
> What you're up against here is a belief and that's all. Problem with faith and belief is that all logic and intelligence goes out the window. That's just the way ot works.


---Ha ha ..Hmmm..Yes thats Their MYOPIC Belief Systems and The Distorted Societal Perceptions.and HEREDITARY PREJUDICES.. Hence Alright...:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::lol::lol::lol:and It PROVES....



*"MEDIOCRITY KNOWS NOTHING HIGHER THAN ITSELF..BUT TALENT IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZES GENIUS .."

**"Great Spirits have always found Violent Opposition from Mediocre Minds. The Latter cannot understand it when a Man does not thoughtlessly submit to Hereditary Prejudices but Honestly and Courageously uses his Intelligence and fulfills the duty to express the results there of.*:lol:


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Hopefully, everyone has settled down and we can get back to the original question. That is, "do men have affiars because they are not getting enough sex?"

Could be one of the reasons but not the main one I think.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Diolay said:


> Hopefully, everyone has settled down and we can get back to the original question. That is, "do men have affiars because they are not getting enough sex?"
> 
> Could be one of the reasons but not the main one I think.


Early in my marriage I couldn't understand why men (or women) cheated. After 4 years now, I can positively understand why. Especially after talking with some male friends of mine. When a man's wife is holding out in the sex and intimacy department, he can't help but to at least think about it or have fantasies in his mind. I always try to do the right thing. But it is very tempting to get some elsewhere. I could leave the marriage but I can't imagine the drama that would create.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Hurra said:


> Early in my marriage I couldn't understand why men (or women) cheated. After 4 years now, I can positively understand why.


What I still can't understand is why does an affair come as a surprise if you repeatedly turn down your spouse.

Is it a secret that rejection, sexual frustration and the loneliness that it entails makes people likely to cheat?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Stryker said:


> Now , I shall finish doing the "Copy Paste" and then give the Explanations and further LINKS...


OH GOD!!

PLEASE DON"T!:crazy:


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> Lack of sex is one of the most common reasons for a man to cheat.
> 
> What makes me laugh is wives who constantly refuse sex, yet they get so angry when their men cheat. Uh, hello? What the hell do they expect? :rofl:
> 
> People who don't like sex need to stay single.


sort of blunt but true

people first of all need to make sure they really get along before marrying. It always blows my mind when people marry and they just than find out how many sexual partners their partner had in the past or they just than find out there partner does not like oral sex or wont give it or is anti sex or is overly religious. 

I am like you SHOULD KNOW THIS BEFORE HAND

really so many things become deal breakers as they start to add on and its just absurd that some people marry so quickly or marry someone they know truly little about. To many people expect to change the other person or expect that things will get better.


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## joshuaty2010 (Feb 6, 2012)

If your sex life needs a boost, it’s probably time to evaluate your health habits and the supplements you are taking. Remember, it’s not all about having great technique. Sex involves choices that extend to what you do or don’t do for your body. 

To ensure a more satisfactory sex life.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would say that people who cheat are going to cheat. Sex is an excuse. As are all the other excuses.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> I would say that people who cheat are going to cheat. Sex is an excuse. As are all the other excuses.


Saying it is an "excuse" is technically correct unless there is a gun to their head. So you end up with the fairly useless conclusion "people cheat because they are cheaters." Which in turn implies cheaters are born that way. 

Why then even blame them? 

I didn't take it as a question of blame shifting but as one of motivation and probability.

Just like not wearing your seatbelts in a car crash. The accident may be completely the other driver's fault, but your injuries may have been less severe or completely avoidable if you had worn your seatbelts.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Lionelhutz said:


> Saying it is an "excuse" is technically correct unless there is a gun to their head. So you end up with the fairly useless conclusion "people cheat because they are cheaters." Which in turn implies cheaters are born that way.
> 
> Why then even blame them?
> 
> ...


Nothing of the sort. You can concoct any reason you like when you get caught. The motivation is all over the lot. It could be sex, it could be a million other things. Why do you think escorts charge a LOT more for the full GFE which isn't about sex, it's about pretending to connect with someone on an emotional level or something that mimics that. 

A booty call is sex. Running around with someone on the low for years and probably putting up with as much crap as you do from your own wife, is decidedly not really about sex. Although there might be a quantitative difference between the two. Otherwise no one would cheat on their wife unless it was to pay for incall girls.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Nothing of the sort. You can concoct any reason you like when you get caught. The motivation is all over the lot. It could be sex, it could be a million other things. Why do you think escorts charge a LOT more for the full GFE which isn't about sex, ........Otherwise no one would cheat on their wife unless it was to pay for incall girls.



That would be true if sexual rejection in marriage meant nothing more to the rejected spouse than an insufficient number of orgasms in a given period.

Yes there could be a million excuses...maybe the telephone psychic told them to cheat...but that doesn't mean all explanations of motivation are equally meaningful.


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## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am always bringing hormonal levels into these discussions, you will simply have to forgive me, I have read too much about it...statistically the HIGHER testosterone man will have more affairs & one night stands, it is a known fact... it is just more of a temptation for them, the magnet to steel intensity is HIGHER...
> 
> A man's* beliefs *& *self controlled Integrity *will show in how he deals with these things -if he goes over the edge (and hides or comes clean) , or STOPS it in it's tracks.... many NEED to be able to look themselves in the mirror every day .
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am always bringing hormonal levels into these discussions, you will simply have to forgive me, I have read too much about it...statistically the HIGHER testosterone man will have more affairs & one night stands, it is a known fact... it is just more of a temptation for them, the magnet to steel intensity is HIGHER...
> 
> A man's* beliefs *& *self controlled Integrity *will show in how he deals with these things -if he goes over the edge (and hides or comes clean) , or STOPS it in it's tracks.... many NEED to be able to look themselves in the mirror every day .
> 
> ...


I read that book a few weeks back. It gave me a lot of insight into how i use sex, im the dependent and increasingly less entitled type with a bit of erotic and sensual thrown in for good measure
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoCalHubby (Jan 7, 2012)

From the book MMSL, what men (and women) need is dopamine.
Frequency of sex is important, but it also has to be erotic, exciting and fulfilling to "scratch the itch".
Regular but boring sex won't cut it for most guys.
There are many ways to add spice to regular sex.
My wife could write a whole chapter on this 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Hmmm...


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## Mr Wolf (Mar 1, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Then. The. Man. Should. Leave. Period. Why would you want to stay with someone that makes you so miserable that you'd go out and cheat. Why the hell would you risk bringing some crotch rot home to your spouse? That just baffles me.


I'm not advocating cheating at all... I was denied sex from a wife who refused to address any issues we had and cheated on for years... I never cheated although I could have on plenty of occasions. *My answer here is only directed at those situations where the man claims to cheat because he is not getting enough sex and his wife refuses to work on the issue with him.* I realize there are many situations. 

He doesn't want to stay. More men would leave when and if the divorce and child custody laws (at least in the US) change and are consistently enforced. The reality is that in many cases men stand to loose significantly in divorce: ability to actively parent their children (no real legal consequences for denying court ordered visitation), paying alimony for spouse who won't work because, well, why should she when he is paying her and she can shack up with another guy and continue to get alimony and child support , a split of marital assets. Yes a woman's standard of living declines significantly after a divorce, to the point where many divorced women live in poverty. But this is largely due to income inequality - a societal issue that needs correcting. 

No man wants to incur this added suffering because his wife refused to work on the issue. This impacts his ability to have a family with another woman who he may be more compatible with. His alternatives: suffer in silence, cheat, or divorce and suffer in other ways. Unfortunately, some men take the path of least resistance.


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## Mr Wolf (Mar 1, 2012)

PBear said:


> And it wasn't just sex I was missing, it was the entire intimacy component.


Somehow, through the grace of God this is what I realized about my situation and what kept me faithful. Sex was needed but intimacy and emotional closeness was the critical missing element. I realized that I could go out and have sex with anyone but I would still feel empty. 

This is for another thread but for men: sex = love, intimacy and connection. It's not just sex -- We can always get that.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Mr Wolf,
I agree with you, and wanted to know if you at least do get the emotional connection with your wife?

My stbx H does not want sex. And we are not going to have sex. Which is why we are getting divorced, among other reasons. He does, however, continually seek intimacy. Hugs. Kisses on the cheek. Touching. Talking. Wants to cuddle, hold hands. But it will never go any further. 

And that is not acceptable to me. Is it for a man?


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

deejov said:


> Mr Wolf,
> I agree with you, and wanted to know if you at least do get the emotional connection with your wife?
> 
> My stbx H does not want sex. And we are not going to have sex. Which is why we are getting divorced, among other reasons. He does, however, continually seek intimacy. Hugs. Kisses on the cheek. Touching. Talking. Wants to cuddle, hold hands. But it will never go any further.
> ...


Heck I don't know. Sex has only been for 25+ years with my spouse. I hope there is intimacy still after 25 years. Right now my spouse has some health issues, which means we haven't had sex for a while (over 5 weeks) and I will just wait until she is close to 100%. In that time however I do crave intimacy.

If it came to the point where she could not have sex, I am sure I'd crave sex somewhere......


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

But are intimacy and sex different, for men?

If a man was not having sex, but definately getting "intimacy" in the form of touching, cuddling, etc can that actually replace the need for actual sex? I would think not, and I think my room-mate is quite warped in this sense. But just curious of course what other males think.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

deejov said:


> But are intimacy and sex different, for men?
> 
> If a man was not having sex, but definately getting "intimacy" in the form of touching, cuddling, etc can that actually replace the need for actual sex? I would think not, and I think my room-mate is quite warped in this sense. But just curious of course what other males think.


Of course not. Just confirms I am still attracted (and vice versa) and know that it will resume shortly (I hope).


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## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

Mr Wolf said:


> . This is for another thread but for men: sex = love, intimacy and connection. It's not just sex -- We can always get that.


Yes totally agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Wolf (Mar 1, 2012)

deejov said:


> Mr Wolf,
> I agree with you, and wanted to know if you at least do get the emotional connection with your wife?
> 
> My stbx H does not want sex. And we are not going to have sex. Which is why we are getting divorced, among other reasons. He does, however, continually seek intimacy. Hugs. Kisses on the cheek. Touching. Talking. Wants to cuddle, hold hands. But it will never go any further.
> ...



Not acceptible for men either but it is different. (btw I have a wonderful sex life now. With my X however, it was horrible. Nothing physical and no emotional connection whatsoever.) 

For men, we can get much of the intimacy we need (touching, cuddling, holding each other, etc.) through sex. That's just how we are wired and it is different for women. Many men have physical touch as their love language so there is a whole lot wrapped up in sex for us too. That is REALLY why most men in sexless marriages are so frustrated --- they are missing that intimacy that comes with sex for them. At least that is how it was for me with my X. I knew I could have had sex with any number of women outside the marriage but that would not have helped me. I needed to feel connected and desired by her and no other woman could give me that.

deejov -- That behavior completely baffles me. I wish I had insight to offer.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Did not mean to change the subject, I was simply curious. And really not interested in solving the puzzle in the end 
More of an exercise to not brand all men with my room-mate's quirks. So men still do want sex after all, that's good to know!!

This site has helped me a lot with insights. 

I would wonder if the OP's question was worded as "do HD spouses have more affairs than LD spouses" would be similar?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Speaking for myself, the lack of sex is what would be my trigger IF I decided to have an affaif on my wife.

I'm not there and hopefully will work through this so I'll never be tempted to go there


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Speaking for myself, the lack of sex is what would be my trigger IF I decided to have an affaif on my wife.
> 
> I'm not there and hopefully will work through this so I'll never be tempted to go there


in one word YES.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Yes. Lack of sex could push me to cheat. first i would have to make allot of effort to make sure that there could not be a remedy. i love my wife and cherrish the relationship. Leaving her would change my life in a terrible way. Having said that lack of sex or rare sex would be considered neglect for me. How can you stay with someone who neglects you. 

I had a good freind who left his wife. She told him "she does not like sex". Was devistated when he left. I mean really...unless she is married to a guy that is equally uninterested in sex what did she expect? 

I also think that the quality/variety has allot to do with it. If think women who don't offer some sexual variety run the risk of having their man cheat even if sex is frequent. I dated a girl years ago. In every other was she was great. She liked sex but, offered no variety. There was no oral (exept me on her), she acted if semen were toxic. She would get mad at me if i masturbated, there was no hope of any sexual experimentation. Sex got really boring so i left. Different then as i was not married. 



That said i would never cheat to "get some on the side" for me it would be a segway to divorce. I could never live with myself to cheat on my wife unless i were going to throw in the towel anyway. It is likely i would divorce first.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Did you ever hear the old saw about why men use hookers..?

"We don't pay you to come, we pay you to leave".


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Some men will cheat no matter how good they have it in the sack (is that a bad choice of words?) No use for men like that and they should have their little friend removed.

But IMHO, if a good man who desperately wants to remain faithful to his wife gets rejected at every turn, eventually, he will cheat.

phantomfan couldn't have said it better when he said a starving man will find a way to get fed.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Some men will cheat no matter how good they have it in the sack (is that a bad choice of words?) No use for men like that and they should have their little friend removed.


Agree there are men who can't stop chasing skirts. But I can see you have absolutely no sympathy for them. What if I said that about cheating women? They deserve each other, they don't deserve to be married, that should be enough.



LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> But IMHO, if a good man who desperately wants to remain faithful to his wife gets rejected at every turn, eventually, he will cheat.
> 
> phantomfan couldn't have said it better when he said a starving man will find a way to get fed.


I don't condone cheating, better to get divorced, but I understand if it happens under these circumstances.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Zzyzx said:


> Agree there are men who can't stop chasing skirts. But I can see you have absolutely no sympathy for them. What if I said that about cheating women? They deserve each other, they don't deserve to be married, that should be enough.
> 
> Same thing. We are talking about serial cheaters here, though, right? The ones who say sorry, cheat, sorry, cheat again, ect. That's who I'm referring to.
> 
> ...


I understand why men in sexless marriages are driven to it.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Sorry, I messed up the quote thing. I have trouble with it.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

deejov said:


> Mr Wolf,
> I agree with you, and wanted to know if you at least do get the emotional connection with your wife?
> 
> My stbx H does not want sex. And we are not going to have sex. Which is why we are getting divorced, among other reasons. He does, however, continually seek intimacy. Hugs. Kisses on the cheek. Touching. Talking. Wants to cuddle, hold hands. But it will never go any further.
> ...


I am a husband In a very similar situation. I am not getting divorced and do not plan to. Although I may not have the ideal relationship, I do accept this and am fine with it.

So, I think that it just depends on the person..regardless of gender.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Jeff74 said:


> I am a husband In a very similar situation. I am not getting divorced and do not plan to. Although I may not have the ideal relationship, I do accept this and am fine with it.
> 
> So, I think that it just depends on the person..regardless of gender.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would have never found this place if I accepted where things are. I'm guessing that holds true at least partially for everyone here. If you're alive, you need warmth. To get warmth, eventually your gonna start a fire to survive regardless of the consequences. I know that where I am that my sexuality resembles a dead dry forest and I'm holding a lit Roman candle. In my case, one simple action to begin moving forward and a commitment to water the wasteland would diffuse it for me in a heartbeat. If that doesn't happen for me and very soon, I've accepted that my situation is going to go from parched to scorched in the blink of an eye.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

This is mostly speculation about my BIL's affair with a little previously known very personal information that my sister confided to me about... I doubt very much that his affair was based on sex.

Knowing & observing my sister's marriage prior to his affair I think it was probably based on attention, affection & companionship (and of course they were allegedly "just friends").


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

phantomfan said:


> I would have never found this place if I accepted where things are. I'm guessing that holds true at least partially for everyone here. If you're alive, you need warmth. To get warmth, eventually your gonna start a fire to survive regardless of the consequences. I know that where I am that my sexuality resembles a dead dry forest and I'm holding a lit Roman candle. In my case, one simple action to begin moving forward and a commitment to water the wasteland would diffuse it for me in a heartbeat. If that doesn't happen for me and very soon, I've accepted that my situation is going to go from parched to scorched in the blink of an eye.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think everyone is different regarding their individual needs. For me personally, sex just really isn't a priority in my life and so being in a sexless marriage does not bother me.

Your point about needing warmth has some truth to it but how we receive that warmth is different from person to person.

Clearly sex is important to you which is perfectly fine! You, me and everyone get to choose the life we want in order to be happy. If sex is that important to a person and the person is unable to change these feelings, then that person needs to be with someone who also enjoys sex otherwise life will be miserable.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

deejov said:


> But are intimacy and sex different, for men?
> 
> If a man was not having sex, but definately getting "intimacy" in the form of touching, cuddling, etc can that actually replace the need for actual sex? I would think not, and I think my room-mate is quite warped in this sense. But just curious of course what other males think.


For a man to touch a woman or be touched, it's going to start the train down the tracks. A typical man's sex drive is half drag car, half train. It goes from zero to hot in an instant, and stopping the train or switching tracks is not very easy. Without a proper conclusion in a satisfactory time period, the train is going to derail into frustration. When a woman touches a man, it is an act of intimacy just like it is for a woman. Touching does not replace sex for a man, its a primer that needs to be followed to its logical conclusion. Does smelling your favorite food replace savoring every bite of it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

:rofl: Apparantely, for my stbxh it does
He'd rather smell the food than eat it. 
He's a cheap roommate LOL


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> I don't know, I had an ex who cheated on me for our entire relationship and there was no lack in sex. But then again, he is/was a sociopath and it was always about him. That and he was a total failure in life.


I have one of those x's also.. 3 times a day and he still cheated!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Short Answer (for some) YES

Would be the only reason for me!


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## visitor2 (Feb 25, 2012)

For serial cheaters and narcissists, even plenty of sex wouldn't be enough. They'd want numerous women to satisfy their ego, for the thrill, etc. These types are a lost cause.

For normal men, sex would only be factor if they were denied sex for a long time. But if that were the case, you'd have deeper problems that would threaten the relationship that need to be resolved. 

Also, for men, sex can be an emotional connection. If denied sex too often, they might feel personally rejected and hurt. Again, this is a relationship problem not just a sex problem.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I do believe that a sexless marriage will increase the likelihood that a man will be more receptive to the opportunity to have an affair. It doesn't mean that all men will do so but that probably most will.

I chose to leave my marriage before it ever got to that point.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I believe some men have affairs just because they have weak characters and generally act in self-serving ways. Those would probably cheat and steal in other aspects of their lives. I believe even very decent folks can be driven to adultary if serially treated with hostility, disrespect, or indifference. Even the most loyal dog will eventually go the neighbor's house for food if it's owner doesn't feed it. All women come with the same basic equipment and they all look the same in the dark, so straying primarily for sex wouldn't make sense. I think most men stray because they aren't made to feel desired and respected at home.


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