# purpose of why women desire sex with a spouse



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
since there is such an enthusiastic discussion for men - I thought I'd ask: why do women desire sex? Is it for physical pleasure, emotional connection? When you want sex, what is it that you are looking for?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> since there is such an enthusiastic discussion for men - I thought I'd ask: why do women desire sex? Is it for physical pleasure, emotional connection? When you want sex, what is it that you are looking for?


Hmm, don't think I've ever considered this.

When I want sex, I want to be touched, aroused, and brought to orgasm. It's mostly physical pleasure that prompts me. 

I desire sex with my spouse because he's good at it! He loves to make me orgasm and love to orgasm. Sometimes he sets himself a challenge in how quickly he can make me orgasm.

After sex we both feel very close to one another. We feel peaceful and content. I think sex does a lot to help my moods. I KNOW my mood can get really nasty if it's been too long.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> since there is such an enthusiastic discussion for men - I thought I'd ask: why do women desire sex? Is it for physical pleasure, emotional connection? When you want sex, what is it that you are looking for?


Haven't you been reading TAM, richardsharpe? Women don't desire sex. Sex is a necessary evil just for them to get new and shiny things. And once they've sucked the life out of a man, they kick him to the curb and take half of everything.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> since there is such an enthusiastic discussion for men - I thought I'd ask: why do women desire sex? * Is it for physical pleasure, emotional connection? * When you want sex, what is it that you are looking for?


Most of the time it's for physical pleasure and needing a orgasm, once in a while it's for emotional connection.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

TiggyBlue said:


> Most of the time it's for physical pleasure and needing a orgasm.


Gets it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
so why do YOU enjoy sex?

Yes, I know that various posters have said all sorts of obnoxious things, but I don't think I have.



Vega said:


> Haven't you been reading TAM, richardsharpe? Women don't desire sex. Sex is a necessary evil just for them to get new and shiny things. And once they've sucked the life out of a man, they kick him to the curb and take half of everything.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Sometimes it is brown chicken brown cow. Sometimes it feels nice to feel attractive. Sometimes it is giving him a little TLC. Sometimes is just is.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Forgot to add, he is more dominant in the bedroom than I am. I like that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Vega said:


> Haven't you been reading TAM, richardsharpe? Women don't desire sex. Sex is a necessary evil just for them to get new and shiny things. And once they've sucked the life out of a man, they kick him to the curb and take half of everything.


*Now this is exactly the very same psychological rationale of self-justification duly exercised by both my first XW and my RSXW!

More especially the later!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I think it has a lot more to do with not over thinking the topic to death. The question has been asked in man threads a zillion times. Offerings of assistance have been made and ignored. It turns into just another whine fest about how I can't GET my wife to have sex. I like sex with my manly man because he is my manly man. And it just is not any more complicated than that. He is is not constantly withdrawing from the attraction bank by talking about his "needs". Or placing Deep Emotional Attachment to needing it X Times Per Week. The less of a big fat hairy deal he makes of it, the less pressure he is putting, the easier it is to accept and appreciate his manly man-ness.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

NS: I completely agree. If a man is not getting as much sex as he desires from his current partner, then he should listen carefully to her complaints, address his shortcomings in her eyes, hit the gym and kick butt at work. Complaining to his partner is exceptionally unattractive. If he treats her well, gets into better shape and kicks butt at work and she remains unmotivated to have sex with him at his desired level of frequency and enthusiasm, then he should find another woman to have sex with. The entire process should take 3 to 6 months at most.

Wish I had figured that out 23 years ago. Would have saved my wife and me much heartache.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

good evening
I wonder how he would react if you decided you only felt like sex once every month or so for a year. Do you think he would be happy with that and not complain?



NobodySpecial said:


> I think it has a lot more to do with not over thinking the topic to death. The question has been asked in man threads a zillion times. Offerings of assistance have been made and ignored. It turns into just another whine fest about how I can't GET my wife to have sex. I like sex with my manly man because he is my manly man. And it just is not any more complicated than that. He is is not constantly withdrawing from the attraction bank by talking about his "needs". Or placing Deep Emotional Attachment to needing it X Times Per Week. The less of a big fat hairy deal he makes of it, the less pressure he is putting, the easier it is to accept and appreciate his manly man-ness.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> good evening
> I wonder how he would react if you decided you only felt like sex once every month or so for a year. Do you think he would be happy with that and not complain?


COMPLAIN is not a thing he would do. Too weak. Not him. And he knows it is an attraction killer, a DEmotivator to the solution of the problem. You've never read my story? I have told it many times. He would tell me that he loves me that he will do what it takes to make me happy. But he did not choose a sexless marriage. And if we cannot figure a way to solve this together to have a MUTUALLY satisfying (would not even settle for sex x number of times per time period which his also kind of key) sex life, I will have to leave.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

For me, the pleasure is a bonus but the emotional connection is the main attraction. It grounds me to the relationship even when we're in upheaval.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I didn't complain for the first 5-10 years either. I was patient and loving and waited for things to improve.

Then I told her how much it mattered to me. Sex got fantastic for about 3 months, then declined. So I told her again, things got good then declined. Repeat. 





NobodySpecial said:


> COMPLAIN is not a thing he would do. Too weak. Not him. And he knows it is an attraction killer, a DEmotivator to the solution of the problem. You've never read my story? I have told it many times. He would tell me that he loves me that he will do what it takes to make me happy. But he did not choose a sexless marriage. And if we cannot figure a way to solve this together to have a MUTUALLY satisfying (would not even settle for sex x number of times per time period which his also kind of key) sex life, I will have to leave.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I didn't complain for the first 5-10 years either. I was patient and loving and waited for things to improve.
> 
> Then I told her how much it mattered to me. Sex got fantastic for about 3 months, then declined. So I told her again, things got good then declined. Repeat.



Yup. Human nature, the nature of motivation and spending the first TEN YEARS teaching her otherwise. You did not really read anything I actually said in my post though, did you?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Lila said:


> For me, the pleasure is a bonus but the emotional connection is the main attraction. I*t grounds me to the relationship even when we're in upheaval.*


Now that I can see. I've never thought about that.

It does have a way of settling everything down, doesn't it?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

richardsharpe said:


> why do women desire sex? Is it for physical pleasure, emotional connection? When you want sex, what is it that you are looking for?


Often I am seeking the "Excitement" of turning him on... the romance of us getting lost in each other...it's something that never gets old ...the mutual giving , receiving, pleasing is a Passion to me...everything else fades away, whatever cares going on in our lives... we will make time for THIS..

The physical connecting uplifts me, it validates my woman-hood ... we are a couple who wants to ride that "O' together...

I've masturbated in the past.. but I always always wanted him over THAT, just something about his touching me, hands through my hair, all over my body.. my touching him...this is like "a high" on it's own.. 

His desire for me is an expression of his love.. in this way.. he feels as I.. I get off on pleasing him....

I have found even with my hormones slowing down some.. (I don't feel the urgency or antsiness I felt years back -unless days go by).. yet the craving for this togetherness.. it's still going strong..something I want to work up.. again & again..


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Lila said:


> For me, the pleasure is a bonus but the emotional connection is the main attraction. It grounds me to the relationship even when we're in upheaval.



Exactly the same reason for me and I'm male. 

Who would have thought?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Being married over 19 years, my body needs or wants the physical release especially since I've been having regular Os. So if long periods go by like 1 week, I get antsy and very short in my temper. When H and I are arguing and I go without not even exercise exhaustion can give my body those endorphins. Right now I would have to answer it's for physical release and it makes me feel close to my H as he is the only one I want.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I'm curious too...

Some of you posters talking about your manly man... I can see that.

But if your manly man lays down the law -is that a turn on or a turn off?

I think a lot of men on TAM are concerned about sounding demanding... I probably respected my wife's busy life and fatigue a bit too much (several years) until I woke up and layed down the law.

Before laying down the law I did try to talk like a woman about how I felt about things for a while. But that just ends up sounding whiny.

I got to the point where I was done talking and it was time for her to get ****ing 

Curious - what would your reaction be?

For information, my W jumped and we've been like rabbits since. But I've never had a shred of self doubt about being the man in the relationship and I can only assume she lined up behind that. I wish more guys on TAM realized it's ok to be a bit caveman sometimes and just let your man out - and your cave goddess me might just be waiting for that.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

For me, it's for physical, psychological, and emotional release/connection. He's the best sex I've had, so the physical pleasure is definitely incentive to want to have sex with DH. I also have psychological needs he meets with kink, so that is also an incentive to want sex. And, of course, the happy bonding chemicals make me feel emotionally close to him. We go a few days without sex, I get a bit tense, grumpy, and sometimes even needy. And by sex, I mean sexual contact including oral or manual for one or both of us.

Now, why I wanted sex with other men back in my single days was very different. Back then, it was purely physical.


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## 2020hindsight (Nov 3, 2015)

I don't desire sex. I wish I did. As a very young woman, I was curious to find out what all the fuss was about. Then, after a bit of experience, I just wondered, "so this is what all the fuss is about? Hmm."

To this day, I remain baffled about the whole business. I used to think people were lying about sex. Now I do believe that some enjoy it, but it's clear that will never happen for me.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

several reasons

---- I want orgasms. Having orgasms is a great part of life. 

---- I want my husband to have orgasms. Giving him enough sex is one way to make him happy. 

---- emotional connection. Holding each other while having sex makes me feel loved. 

---- We shouldn't waste our youth. Now we are still young and able to enjoy sex. We should have it as much as we can.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

2020hindsight said:


> I don't desire sex. I wish I did. As a very young woman, I was curious to find out what all the fuss was about. Then, after a bit of experience, I just wondered, "so this is what all the fuss is about? Hmm."
> 
> To this day, I remain baffled about the whole business. I used to think people were lying about sex. Now I do believe that some enjoy it, but it's clear that will never happen for me.


I am NO expert on female sexuality by any means, but from everything I have read AND experienced as a male is that EXPECTATIONS and TRYING TO COMPARE are probably the worst things one can do that will extinguish your ability to enjoy it. 

If you have sex with the purpose and intent of not enjoying it too much or allowing yourself to orgasm and end up failing miserably by experiencing something uncontrollable, ...well then this type of "failure" now becomes a rather exquisite thing to experience. Something you may want to try...

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Two answers from me because I have had two very different experiences...

1) with my ex it got to the point of wanting sex with him to sooth the pain of rejection. To validate who I was and to try to make sense of the insanity of life in a HD/LD situation. The first 10 years or so was bc I enjoyed doing it with him and I loved him.

2) current life I desire sex with Mr H because I am immensely attracted to him. physically and emotionally. He is completely involved with my life and who I am, he shows me how important I am to him. He is the best lover of my life. Yes he is a manly man with lots of manly ways about him but he also has a romantic side to him that I have never encountered. He is a deep type of manly man but also has the best SOH, we laugh so much it makes me want him more.

As I may have previously mentioned I like sex anyway and if single I would be having sex. But the question is "desire sex with your spouse" and the short answer is because I like sex and I love my man.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
please don't give up. There are many people who very much enjoy it. There are sadly also many people who are terribly selfish in bed, and if you have ended up with that sort it is no surprise that you didn't enjoy it.

Have you ever been with someone who honestly wanted to please you as their top priority? Was that someone you also cared about deeply or loved?




2020hindsight said:


> I don't desire sex. I wish I did. As a very young woman, I was curious to find out what all the fuss was about. Then, after a bit of experience, I just wondered, "so this is what all the fuss is about? Hmm."
> 
> To this day, I remain baffled about the whole business. I used to think people were lying about sex. Now I do believe that some enjoy it, but it's clear that will never happen for me.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> 
> 
> Have you ever been with someone who honestly wanted to please you as their top priority? Was that someone you also cared about deeply or loved?


My husband knows how important sex is for me, so he lets me have sex at any time I want. Sometimes he doesn't want sex, but he will let me have him. And he does a lot to please me in bed. He wants me to have strong orgasms. HE IS THE ONE I CARE DEEPLY AND LOVE!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Mostly physical pleasure. I don't seek sex for bonding, really. Talking, and touching each other affectionately, that creates more of an emotional bonding experience for me than sex. I just got out of a relationship, broke off an engagement, but that is how I mainly viewed it with my ex-fiance, for example.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

greenpearl said:


> My husband knows how important sex is for me, so he lets me have sex at any time I want. Sometimes he doesn't want sex, but he will let me have him. And he does a lot to please me in bed. He wants me to have strong orgasms. HE IS THE ONE I CARE DEEPLY AND LOVE!


You sound like you have a really awesome marriage!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
that is wonderful and how things should be IMHO. Each person enjoying making the other happy.




greenpearl said:


> My husband knows how important sex is for me, so he lets me have sex at any time I want. Sometimes he doesn't want sex, but he will let me have him. And he does a lot to please me in bed. He wants me to have strong orgasms. HE IS THE ONE I CARE DEEPLY AND LOVE!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

*Deidre* said:


> You sound like you have a really awesome marriage!


I do! Thanks! I am married to a wonderful husband! :smile2:


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

T&T said:


> Exactly the same reason for me and I'm male.
> 
> Who would have thought?


LOL. I've been told that I think like a man. Go figure.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> since there is such an enthusiastic discussion for men - I thought I'd ask: why do women desire sex? Is it for physical pleasure, emotional connection? When you want sex, what is it that you are looking for?


I desire sex with my husband for both emotional & physical connection. 
It's usually me who does all the initiating. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## 2020hindsight (Nov 3, 2015)

badsanta said:


> I am NO expert on female sexuality by any means, but from everything I have read AND experienced as a male is that EXPECTATIONS and TRYING TO COMPARE are probably the worst things one can do that will extinguish your ability to enjoy it.
> 
> If you have sex with the purpose and intent of not enjoying it too much or allowing yourself to orgasm and end up failing miserably by experiencing something uncontrollable, ...well then this type of "failure" now becomes a rather exquisite thing to experience. Something you may want to try...
> 
> ...


Thanks, but after several decades of intense effort without ever experiencing anything anywhere near "exquisite," I've had to conclude that it's not in the cards, for me. If something that felt pleasurable were going to happen, it would have happened by now.

I just wanted to respond to the OP with a reminder that there are women who love their spouses, are completely devoted to their spouses, but don't experience desire for sex. We exist.


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## 2020hindsight (Nov 3, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> please don't give up. There are many people who very much enjoy it. There are sadly also many people who are terribly selfish in bed, and if you have ended up with that sort it is no surprise that you didn't enjoy it.
> 
> Have you ever been with someone who honestly wanted to please you as their top priority? Was that someone you also cared about deeply or loved?


Too late. I have given up. 

I can answer a resounding Yes to both of your questions. Neither of those circumstances have made any difference to what I experience during sex.

There is a huge range of human sexual desire. Just as some are saddled with very high desire for sex, others may be stuck with low or no sexual desire (or response, for that matter). In many cases, these levels are involuntary. Unfortunately.


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

My love languages are quality time and physical touch. So wanting sex is a no brainer to me. It's a big part of the reason this ongoing separation from my husband is making me miserable. Also, my husband tends to be emotionally unavailable a lot of the time, and physical bonding to some extent makes up for that.


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## JoannaG (Apr 19, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I'm curious too...
> 
> Some of you posters talking about your manly man... I can see that.
> 
> ...


It probably would have been a huge turn on for me. Unfortunately, my husband figured it was pointless and had an affair instead. 

So now, most of my desire for sex comes from wanting to please him and show him how much I love and desire him. For many years, I withheld sex (not purposely) and feel I need to make it up to him, I guess. Also, with having my self esteem shattered, I need the affirmation that I'm still wanted and desired myself.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> 
> I didn't complain for the first 5-10 years either. I was patient and loving and waited for things to improve.
> 
> ...




So the key is to keep on talking to her about it. Clearly it's a turn on for her to hear how much you need her.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

tigerlily99 said:


> So the key is to keep on talking to her about it. Clearly it's a turn on for her to hear how much you need her.


Yep sexual desire starts between the ears not the thighs :wink2:


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Is it fair to say that most of the women responding to this question are HD anyway? (Except for brave 2020Hindsight sharing her side fo the story)


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> since there is such an enthusiastic discussion for men - I thought I'd ask: why do women desire sex? Is it for physical pleasure, emotional connection? When you want sex, what is it that you are looking for?



For Mrs.CuddleBug

- keep the marriage going (she's LD)
- its the connection (emotional and physical)
- its me going in her
- its the oneness
- being naked, vulnerable but safe at the same time

Beyond that, I don't know.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I USED to desire sex from my H because:

-He's REALLY good at it. 
-I felt completely sexy when he just ravaged me
- He was confident, sexy, alpha-ish. 
- He made me feel like I was #1. He paid attention to me when I spoke, he listened to my needs, he would look at me or touch me and it would just make everything better. I had no mistrust in the relationship. I knew he was mine. 

We had sex because it felt good. I was already emotionally connected to him through other parts of our relationship so sex was solely physical for me. It was also fun to give him an O. It's really one of the best parts of sex for me. 

I DON'T desire sex from him anymore because:

- He doesn't do what he says. 
- He lost his confidence somewhere - probably at the last gym he visited like 5 years ago.
- He is super obsessed with porn, to a disgusting degree.
- When other women are around, I'm practically invisible.
- He always says, "huh" or "what" or "I didn't hear you, what?" When I talk to him 
- He only touches me when he wants sex and it's a boob squeeze. So not sexy.
- He's had 2 affairs that I know of. 
- He caught an STD. Thankfully I don't have it. 


Basically, he got lazy. When we dated, I thought I found the perfect man. We laughed, we played, we adventured, we had so much fun. Seriously, I would have done anything for him. We married and that was it. I guess he thought he didn't have to do those things anymore. So, I put up with it for 7 years trying to keep my sex drive alive. Well, it finally drowned. I have zero desire to have sex with him anymore. He doesn't care. I think he prefers it so he can watch more porn. So be it. We went from 4-6 times a week to like 3 times a month, maybe...and that's if I mention it. This past month, I didn't say anything. Next month, I won't say anything. Life. It's super......


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm very sorry to hear that he treats you that way. Your loss of interest in him is completely understandable. 



staarz21 said:


> I USED to desire sex from my H because:
> 
> -He's REALLY good at it.
> -I felt completely sexy when he just ravaged me
> ...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Lila said:


> LOL. I've been told that I think like a man. Go figure.


But you have shoes like a woman.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> But you have shoes like a woman.


Those are my boss shoes :wink2:


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