# Help! Talking about STIs and protection



## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

*Pertinent Background*: I am a 48-year old male of South-Indian descent (good health, yes I had my physical and rounds of blood tests 2-weeks ago, and no ED issues etc. AFAIK) and I separated from my ex 2-years ago and officially divorced for about 6-months. My relationship with my ex was for 22-years (and I have been out of the dating for 24-years now and not had sex for about 3 years now). Before that I have only dated 2-other women. So it has been a while since I had to have conversations about sex, protection, etc. with potential partners.

*Upcoming date*: The reason for this post is that, I met a woman on Hinge. She has never been married. Her profile says she is a 44-year old black woman and she looks good in her profile pictures, IG, YouTube channel. We have chatted, spoken on the phone, and I am planning to meet with her in a few days to hang out at a mall and grab a bite to eat. She already invited me over to her house after our planned meeting , which threw me off a bit as I was not expecting it. In any event, I have agreed to go but I am apprehensive about what I might be walking into. 

*Request for help/advice*: I would like your collective wisdom for the following questions, particularly if things lead up to sex while we are hanging out at her house at night (of course, I do want to have sex, just to be clear):

How do I go about asking her if she has any infections or issues that I should know about? So far she seems an honest person and I am fine with just blurting out the question and I am willing to take her word on it (as I currently don't have a good reason not to take her word).
It has been a while since I used a condom (as my ex had to have a partial hysterectomy 18-years ago). How do I react if she suggests not to use a condom (no I have not had a vasectomy)? I most definitely don't want to get her pregnant.
How do I confirm for sure I have her full consent? Should I be periodically stopping in the middle of the act and asking her if I still have consent?
What other questions or conversation should I have with her before and after sex?
What "⛳ red flags" should I watch out for?
I know the questions may seem silly but I don't have any recent experience here and I don't want to screw myself over (both literally and figuratively)

*Thank you! *in advance for taking the time to share your suggestions with me.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Don’t have sex with anyone without using a condom. 
Do not ask her about any std’s she may have. If you decide after a few months of dating that you both would like an exclusive relationship then you can suggest having blood tests to ensure both of you are clear. 
If she willingly comes to bed with you then before you actually have sex you should just casually ask her if she’s okay with this.
Red flags can vary but one major one is if she starts to get possessive and wants you to cut off contact with female friends. Also if she starts talking about marriage/moving in together after only a few dates. 
Don’t have sex with anyone without using a condom. I can’t stress this enough.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Asking a potential partner for a blood test before sex?

Many would be insulted, especially those who are clean.

It is a very touchy and a difficult conversation to have.


The thing is....

How do they know they are virus free, bacteria free, without testing.
We are given, what our past partners have given us, or not.

Wearing a condom certainly helps but it is no guarantee against infection.
Especially, if oral is given or received.

Just be honest up front.

Tell her you have always worn a condom, until you become exclusive.
How is she (or another love date) to know otherwise?

She will then think you are safe and reasonable.

If, she insists you do not use a condom, tell her no, you do not agree, politely.
If it becomes more push-back than that, then drop her and date another.

The last thing you want to infer, is that she might be unclean...
Not good.
No.

At some point, the blood test question must be brokered.
I personally would not object, but many might.
Or, they will give you lip service, the other kind.


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## hplove (Jan 19, 2021)

Always use protection with someone new. Time will tell if you can take it off. Like other have said, casually ask if she's ok with it once you are in the room or bed..


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Just be honest up front.


Thank you. That was helpful.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> _*I know the questions may seem silly but I don't have any recent experience here and I don't want to screw myself over (both literally and figuratively)*_
> *Thank you! in advance for taking the time to share your suggestions with me.*



My answer will be frowned upon by the Feminazi's but I don't care. 😁 

This lady isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, basically inviting a stranger she doesn't know back to her place after a casual mall and food court 'date.' I'm guessing she wants to meet in public and as long as she doesn't see a wild look in your eyes or catch a glimpse of a hunting knife strapped to your ankle under your pants, I guess she's good to go?

Secondly, her intentions may be pure; it's not necessarily a given that she's looking for sex just because she extended an invitation to you to hang out at her place after your mall date. I've invited men I was getting to know to my home for coffee or a drink or to cook for them (when I was single and when I was divorced and dating again), but not on the first date. And sex was never my intention when I did invite them. So it's a bit insulting to her character that you're automatically assuming it's likely an invitation to sex.

Third, you don't know her well enough to ask her about STIs and/or her sexual past, but you have no problem getting naked with her and being as intimate with her as two humans can be? That doesn't even make logical sense. If you can get naked with her, then you can ask the tough questions.

Lastly, do you see this as a possible long-term thing? And if you do, does it bother you how quickly she goes to bed with men she barely knows (if this IS about sex?) Does it worry you that if her invitation IS about sex, she's a little too free and easy with virtual strangers and you SHOULD be worried about STDs? I honestly wouldn't touch anyone who is that free and easy about jumping into bed with others. Nope, I wouldn't. But that's just me and I'm ancient. LOL.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> My answer will be frowned upon by the Feminazi's but I don't care. 😁
> 
> This lady isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, basically inviting a stranger she doesn't know back to her place after a casual mall and food court 'date.' I'm guessing she wants to meet in public and as long as she doesn't see a wild look in your eyes or catch a glimpse of a hunting knife strapped to your ankle under your pants, I guess she's good to go?
> 
> ...


It's actually great advice


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> My answer will be frowned upon by the Feminazi's but I don't care. 😁
> 
> This lady isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, basically inviting a stranger she doesn't know back to her place after a casual mall and food court 'date.' I'm guessing she wants to meet in public and as long as she doesn't see a wild look in your eyes or catch a glimpse of a hunting knife strapped to your ankle under your pants, I guess she's good to go?
> 
> ...


This times a million. 

She has sex with a lot of people, sounds like. Having sex with her will expose you to everything she's picked up along the way. You seem to be conscientious and care about catching infections (genital warts, anyone? how about a helping of herpes?). I'd pass on this and wait for someone more discriminating about who she's exchanging body fluids with.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

This is such a tough topic. Even after a few months of dating you have no way of knowing if the person telling you about their sexual history is being honest.

So many people lie. It truly is a gamble so your best bet is to do what you think is safest for yourself. Place your sexual well being first no matter what is shared. Even if that includes asking for testing to be done and insisting on using condoms and you risk scaring them off.

You want to meet someone with a similar mindset anyway right? So if they’re scared off by it maybe they aren’t the person for you.


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## MILProblems (Sep 11, 2019)

I'm female, and at my annual exam every year since my ex moved out, my doctor has said, "before you have sex with someone, make sure he tests negative for all STIs." He explained that, apparently, what is common now is that you have a conversation before agreeing to have sex, then both go and get tested at your physician's office. You ask them for a dated/printed copy of your results, and provide those to the other party.

I do agree that if you aren't willing to have a conversation about STIs, you aren't at a point where you should be having sex with the person.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

When she start’s twerking and backin’ that thang down you can take that as full permission and should put the condom on as fast as possible. After that put a second condom over the first. If Leroy jumps out from behind the couch then you bedda run like hell mudda fukka !!!!


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