# Married People I have a DayCare question



## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

Wife is stay home mother, and only working and paying for both our schools, wife insist to put our 3 year old in day care twice a week, but cant afford it. what should I do. 

is a day care something has to be done for kids ?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I don't think it has to be done. None of my 3 kids have been to daycare since I quit my job to stay at home. I can't afford it either. Most of my stay at home friends do it though just to give themselves a break.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

If you want to keep your wife, YES!!! It's not for the kiddo, it's for YOUR WIFE!

Having said that, there are all kinds of various programs out there that she can find that would be cheaper than regular day care or even free. Tell her to check out churches' co-op programs, mommy's day out, or even MOPS programs. Finding another mom in the same situation to "trade" childcare with would work too.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's pretty expensive and you wind up working to pay for daycare. Which is not a terrible thing if working is what you want and have plans to have a career. If you're just getting out of the house part time, a few hours a day a few days a week, is that so terrible? You probably deserve some kind of break. It's a problem when your kids are there 50 hrs a week.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

If she's going to be a SAHM then the kid needs to be with her during the week. That's what SAHM means. You stay at home.Your kid is with you.If she wants the kid in daycare it better be for a good reason like she gets a job and needs daycare. 

Reminds me of when my husband's ex hired a maid to clean the house once a week...the ex was a SAHM with ONE child but couldn't seem to clean her own house. 

I wish I could have raised my kid without sending him to daycare. It's hard to be a SAHM but it's viewed as a luxury to some of us who didn't have that choice. In my opinion, she's trying to have her cake and eat it too.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

I dont mind working part time for it, but I cant find a part time job. I understand where she is coming from that cant stay home with two kids all day. but I just cant afford it, her solution is we got money in the saving use it or find part time job, I cant find a part time job, I applied and applied nothing happens, and using saving is not a solution, without a day care we are making it pay check to pay check. and every time I tell her we cant afford her, she replies then you should not have married and have kids, its your responsibility to do that.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Tourchwood said:


> I dont mind working part time for it, but I cant find a part time job. I understand where she is coming from that cant stay home with two kids all day.


Why not? 

How about SHE finds a part time job to pay for the time the kids are in care?



> but I just cant afford it, her solution is we got money in the saving use it or find part time job, I cant find a part time job, I applied and applied nothing happens, and using saving is not a solution, without a day care we are making it pay check to pay check. and every time I tell her we cant afford her, she replies then you should not have married and have kids, its your responsibility to do that.


Nice. Do for me cuz I want it and am an entitled ... 

Read the man up threads. If she is old school, and wants YOU to provide, then she should be old school and recognize that YOU make the rules. Can't afford it means can't afford it.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Tourchwood said:


> I dont mind working part time for it, but I cant find a part time job. I understand where she is coming from that cant stay home with two kids all day. but I just cant afford it, her solution is we got money in the saving use it or find part time job, I cant find a part time job, I applied and applied nothing happens, and using saving is not a solution, without a day care we are making it pay check to pay check. and every time I tell her we cant afford her, she replies then you should not have married and have kids, its your responsibility to do that.


Um ok hold up a second...SHE expects YOU to get a part time job in addition to the job you already hold so she can have a day or two off from the children she is staying at home to raise??? Am i getting that right?

WOW. Some women just kill me with their views of what a man is expected to do for them. So you get to have even less time with your kids bc you'll have to get a part time job to put them into daycare to "give her a break"?? Where is YOUR break??? 

Sorry for the rant...this kind of stuff just burns my buns.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> Nice. Do for me cuz I want it and am an entitled ...
> 
> Read the man up threads. If she is old school, and wants YOU to provide, then she should be old school and recognize that YOU make the rules. Can't afford it means can't afford it.


I love this answer!! Can't afford it means can't afford it. Best line ever. 

I still don't get why stay at home moms think this way. I know many that have daycare AND maids. Why the hell did you quit your job if you were going to pay people to do your work? Rediculous.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Can she go out two days a week when you come home from work? I'll admit that being at home with children all the time does get terribly dull (think ill of me if you wish, but nothing can replace adult interaction). However, she doesn't need two whole days to do whatever she wishes. 

If she really wants to get out of the house during the week what's stopping _her _from getting a part-time job? That seems like the logical solution.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

TemperToo said:


> If you want to keep your wife, YES!!! It's not for the kiddo, it's for YOUR WIFE!
> 
> Having said that, there are all kinds of various programs out there that she can find that would be cheaper than regular day care or even free. Tell her to check out churches' co-op programs, mommy's day out, or even MOPS programs. Finding another mom in the same situation to "trade" childcare with would work too.


:iagree:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

NO need to put the kids in daycare.

Figure out what your wife would get out of having the kids in daycare, and find a way for her to get that for free.

What she is getting is freedom to do what she wants and not being responsible for children for a period of time, and fun.

Make her life more fun. You working more to fund separate activities for her do to apart from you is a step in the wrong direction.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

WhiteRabbit said:


> Um ok hold up a second...SHE expects YOU to get a part time job in addition to the job you already hold so she can have a day or two off from the children she is staying at home to raise??? Am i getting that right?
> 
> WOW. Some women just kill me with their views of what a man is expected to do for them. So you get to have even less time with your kids bc you'll have to get a part time job to put them into daycare to "give her a break"?? Where is YOUR break???
> 
> Sorry for the rant...this kind of stuff just burns my buns.


:iagree:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah except that if you can afford it it's not so horrible. What you're able to do and what 'we' should expect of you are two different things. I for one have consistently told my wife to hire a once or week cleaning person, her own utter disinterest in ever working notwithstanding. Honestly, I'm angrier having put her through law school and the bar exam than I am with a few bucks actually getting this mess cleaned up. If that also meant getting the kids in a few hours of day care a week, what's the huge deal. It's not as if my wife was going to be super wonderful at all that homemaking stuff anyway.


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## Random User (Apr 29, 2011)

If her concern is that the kids get some social time she can take them places with kids.. parks, the McDonald's Playplace, playgrounds. There's lots of free opportunities for kid social time.

If she wants time during the day to get things done, suggest she find another mom to trade half-days with once a week. This gives two moms a half-day per week to see the doctor, or do other things you can't do with kids along, and is free.

If her concern is that she get a break from stay-home-momhood (and she *should* get one. Regular jobs don't go 18 hours a day 7 days a week) man up and give her a couple of "nights off" a week. Hubby does this for me - sometimes I go for a walk, or even just do the shopping, but I do it without the kids. I've taken a class and volunteered too.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

It's good for small children to be around other children to learn how to share, play well with others, etc.

Plus - it gives her a bit of a break - work and caring for the child at home gives her no time to herself.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> It's good for small children to be around other children to learn how to share, play well with others, etc.


That is what play groups are for.



> Plus - it gives her a bit of a break - work and caring for the child at home gives her no time to herself.


I would agree to that IF they could afford it. But seriously, demanding he get another job so she can have a "break"? A break is an hour on Saturday morning or the hour you put a video on.


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## Random User (Apr 29, 2011)

Eh, I bet she just hadn't considered any other means besides day care. We can't exactly ask her.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> That is what play groups are for.
> 
> 
> 
> I would agree to that IF they could afford it. But seriously, demanding he get another job so she can have a "break"? A break is an hour on Saturday morning or the hour you put a video on.


I would agree.

I wouldn't get another job. 

Perhaps when he is home he needs to help her out with the child more so she can have that time to herself.

I personally never did "playgroups" when my children were young. We were both military, so they were in daycare from the beginning, then school. So I have no experience with playgroups.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

The only breaks I get are if my husband gives them to me. And he does as often as he can. It never seems to be enough so I compensate by letting them watch cartoons while I head to my mom cave. Hey you do what you can with what you have. But still can't afford it means can't afford it.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Random User said:


> Eh, I bet she just hadn't considered any other means besides day care. We can't exactly ask her.


Your alternative advice was all good.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

we talked on the phone few ago
I told her i cant afford paying for day care any more and consider this two weeks the last. and told her the money she took from account this morning were toward our biweekly grocery. 
she screamed that im going to look for a job to do my husband things to put kids in school and buy grocery, its not enough that I'm living a ****y life with you?! ( she is playing her normal record here, ****y life means she hates being in the city where we live and miss Virginia near her friends, to let you know, all my family lives near us). 
I really just had it, I cant feel anything toward that woman, and i know she feel the same. I understand staying home mother with two kids is hard and a lot work. but also being a husband with such a woman is as hard, working full time and going to school full time and trying to be a husband. what else should I do, the only thing keeping me with her are the kids, I cant imagine my life without my kids.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

What i hear from your wife : "me me me me me me". SAHM is a selfless act that takes a lot out of a woman. But she is going out of her way to show just how little she respects what you provide for her. She wouldn't have her current lifestyle without you there to work your hiney off providing it. She'd be a single working mother without you. 
Yes, you need to appreciate how difficult being a SAHM can be.But she also needs to get her head out of the clouds and start appreciating what you do for your family.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Tourchwood said:


> we talked on the phone few ago
> I told her i cant afford paying for day care any more and consider this two weeks the last. and told her the money she took from account this morning were toward our biweekly grocery.
> she screamed that im going to look for a job to do my husband things to put kids in school and buy grocery, its not enough that I'm living a ****y life with you?! ( she is playing her normal record here, ****y life means she hates being in the city where we live and miss Virginia near her friends, to let you know, all my family lives near us).
> I really just had it, I cant feel anything toward that woman, and i know she feel the same. I understand staying home mother with two kids is hard and a lot work. but also being a husband with such a woman is as hard, working full time and going to school full time and trying to be a husband. what else should I do, the only thing keeping me with her are the kids, I cant imagine my life without my kids.


How are you with setting boundaries? It sounds like she's used to getting her way all the time and expects her fits to be heard. If she curses or yells at you in the future, you should let her know you'd love to hear her when she can speak calmly. Then leave or hang up the phone. You need to show her that you won't be disrespected.

I'm in almost the same position as your wife. I moved away from all of my friends and family so my H can finish his PhD. At times I'm resentful. However, I don't throw fits or curse at him. I realize he's working hard and that WE agreed to move here. She agreed to move with you as well so she needs to stop using that to guilt you into giving her whatever she wishes. How to get her to understand that is another demon. 

I think your wife needs to get out of the house to maintain her sanity and make friends. That doesn't mean she needs to risk your financial stability, though. Ask her to brainstorm ideas so she can get the break she needs. Tell her if she needs help coming up with ideas to come to you. Don't solve this for her, but offer to be a sounding board.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Tourchwood said:


> we talked on the phone few ago
> I told her i cant afford paying for day care any more and consider this two weeks the last. and told her the money she took from account this morning were toward our biweekly grocery.
> she screamed that im going to look for a job to do my husband things to put kids in school and buy grocery, its not enough that I'm living a ****y life with you?! ( she is playing her normal record here, ****y life means she hates being in the city where we live and miss Virginia near her friends, to let you know, all my family lives near us).


To be honest, she sounds like a childish, entitled little beotch. 




> I really just had it, I cant feel anything toward that woman, and i know she feel the same. I understand staying home mother with two kids is hard and a lot work. but also being a husband with such a woman is as hard, working full time and going to school full time and trying to be a husband.


So you are in school trying to improve your prospects for income, I take it? So you are not living paycheck to paycheck forever?

Good for you! 





> what else should I do, the only thing keeping me with her are the kids, I cant imagine my life without my kids.


- Read every last man up thread. 
- Read fitness tests and how to handle them.
- If your company insurance covers it, get into counseling.

The money is not the issue, more the symptom. She wants what she wants and thinks she has the right to scream and throw temper tantrums to get it. Not. (Make sure she see the NOT.)


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

I admit I'm not the perfect father, nor I help her as much as she desire, I get 3 days off from work every week, during that time, I do things from bills to yard work etc. I try to have kids around me while she doing her things, but 3 year old keeps following her sometimes. I wake up 8-9am and she wake up around 11pm ( due to 1 year old keep waking up at nights)
I left all my hobbies since I been with her, no video games for years, no more hunting or at least going to the range. 
no friends to go out with. mostly we either do things together such as mall and visiting family or stay home. one day a week she has a class therefore I keep the kids stay with me for 4 hours. I put the older baby to sleep every night and help with their shower.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Tourchwood said:


> I admit I'm not the perfect father, nor I help her as much as she desire, I get 3 days off from work every week, during that time, I do things from bills to yard work etc. I try to have kids around me while she doing her things, but 3 year old keeps following her sometimes. I wake up 8-9am and she wake up around 11pm ( due to 1 year old keep waking up at nights)
> I left all my hobbies since I been with her, no video games for years, no more hunting or at least going to the range.
> no friends to go out with. mostly we either do things together such as mall and visiting family or stay home. one day a week she has a class therefore I keep the kids stay with me for 4 hours. I put the older baby to sleep every night and help with their shower.


So you've given up basically everything you enjoyed? She fell in love with you when you were doing these things. You deserve to do things that are only for you as does she. 

You're definitely pulling your fair share around the home. I wonder if you're not doing _too_ much.


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## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

I'm a stay at home mom of 2 kids (3 mo. old and my other daughter just turned 4 last month). I don't find it difficult at all to take care of my 2 little princesses. I do laundry, washed them, feed them, clean the house, teach my other daughter how to read, review her alphabets (she knows her alphabets since 2), numbers (she knows up to 24 now), etc. everyday and I still find a lot of time for myself. Hubby helps when he gets home from work. He also takes the kids to the library and playground or shop. It's an agreement to either pay for the babysitter/daycare and I work or I stay home with them but ofcourse I chose to take care of them as I love spending time w/ them and I can't trust strangers taking care of my kids. Your wife shouldn't ask u to work extra to cover daycare costs if she wants some time for herself. She should work if she can't handle being a SAHM.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

WhereAmI

I really cant distinguish between If Im doing too much and not doing too much, it seems not matter what I do she is not happy ( thats how I feel)
she said she will feel happier putting one of them in day care, we did that for several months but nothing changed from her. 

as I said i have 3 days weekend?
I work on yard, do some paper works such as car registerations, bills etc..
trying to put the kids in living room and watch tv with them. 
I built a playground that cost $1000 in back yard for the kids. 
I even did not register for summer classes because of her. 
Never ever stay in a room by myself such as computer room else a big fight will break.

her
she cleans the house, cooks every two days, go to school ( online), and two babies ( two babies showering and feeding etc)
I help with babies when she ask for help.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Tourchwood said:


> I admit I'm not the perfect father, nor I help her as much as she desire, I get 3 days off from work every week, during that time, I do things from bills to yard work etc. I try to have kids around me while she doing her things, but 3 year old keeps following her sometimes.


Two things. You may want to discuss taking the kids instead of yard work and bills and see if she wants those tasks. And/or you should set the limit NOW that just because the 3yo wants Mommy, does not mean s/he gets Mommy. Mommy is doing x right now, you need to stay with Daddy. Use gates, doors, have your wife physically leave. And endure the tears until the child understands the limit.



> I wake up 8-9am and she wake up around 11pm ( due to 1 year old keep waking up at nights)


Why is a 1yo getting up at night? 

I am going to say something here, I hope I am not offensive. It seems frequently the case that mothers who need big "breaks" from their kids do so because their discipline is ineffective. Thus the kids are a pain in the neck to be with. Short of medical issues as yet undisclosed, there is no earthly reason a 1yo cannot sleep through the night, for instance. (Solve Your Child's Sleep Problem by Ferber is an easy read.)

If I had to guess, my guess is that your wife thinks of the 3yo as a baby and as such not yet ready for the beginnings of limit setting. Developmentally speaking, this just is not correct and will yield only frustration now and down the road. Setting Limits is a good book to look into. 

Good luck!


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## Androus (May 16, 2011)

Daycare institutions don’t care about or love your child like you do.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I stay home with my child. I consider it a privilege to be with my child. I am thankful that my husband agrees that I stay home, and he doesn't resent me for it.

My only complaint is that my child is growing up way to fast. Where did the time go. I value the time with my boys.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

If you could afford it i would say yes, and I agree with what some other posters suggested, find somewhere that she can trade with another mum or something.

I don't think that if you want to be a stay at home mum that means never leaving your children in care. I personally only left mine to study or work, but i can understand why someone might feel the need to and I have empathy.

Young children can be truly exhausting, and sometimes it feels like you never get anything done. To me it was a lot harder than working at paid employment, and I love my children, have never suffered depression and had some extra support from family and friends.


I think people need to stop projecting their own ideals and maybe find out why she wants to do this. It's much better to have a happy, less stressed or even depressed mum, who feels a little refreshed once or twice a week and not so drowning in it.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I recently read your thread about slapping. I disagree with most posters here because I do not see your wife as an entitled biatch. I believe, from reading your limited text, that you moved and she was forced to leave her support system behind, causing her to feel lonely and trapped. She is saddled with housework, caring for the children as well as going to school.

I don't care if the school is online, she's obviously also trying to change her life and prepare for a future. Depending on how hard her course load is, I don't think there's anything wrong with tapping into savings so that she has two days a week to catch up on schoolwork and get herself on firmer ground.

You two are not in love right now because the stress is surmounting along with your anger and resentments. You need to connect and understand how hard BOTH of you are working, how lonely she is, how much she is struggling, how much you are struggling and then AND ONLY THEN will you both find happiness.

If you are doing it for the kids as is she and you are both living miserably...I have news for you...you're doing it for yourself. The kids need and deserve a stable family where both parents have a say and voice.

Quite frankly, it sounds to me as if you do not appreciate your wife or anything she does nor do you think anything she does is important. Again, I suggest this attitude change if you're doing it for the kids.

I find it disgraceful.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

Trenton

I agree with most of your post, as I said i'm not perfect husband, I try to provide anything to make her feel comfortable, I worked nights shifts, had 2 jobs and full time school and want her to be better than me. 
May be Im the only man who wants to see his wife better than him. 
even in our relationship, if she is mad and not talking I'm always the one who try to apologies and comfort her. she never done that. but I had it, when she get mad she don't speak to me for a whole week, and ignore me and don't stay in same room.

she hate her life? why, she got beautiful house, nice car, two beautiful babies and faithful husband. she hate her life because she hate the city, she miss DC life therefore any other life is a ****y to her. 
My mother i forgot to add, take my daughter every Saturday night to sleep over. when wife has friends gathering or girls night out I take the girls, when she need to study and do homework and keep the girls ( normal things) 
yes she work hard, and its a hard job a man cant do. but this is motherhood, parenting. 

she should appreciate what she has, someone women don't get to spend time with their family because they have to work a job or two to live, some people lost their houses and everything. some of her friends are jealous of her because she get to stay home with kids and someone pay for her school while them have to do while doing full time job.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

TW - I am going to have to agree with Trenton, even after reading your latest post. Why? Because you are explaining ME several years ago. 

I didn't want my husband to work his arse off to give me things. I wanted him to emotionally HELP me! I was secluded, had no family....you seriously underestimate the impact of being around nothing but toddlers 24/7. I wanted him to appreciate me, I felt like an underpaid, unappreciated babysitter.

I'm NOT saying that I was in the right 100% of the time (or that your wife is 100% in the right,) but I do know where your wife is coming from. If only my husband would have been my cheerleader....took me in his arms every day and told me how much he admired my strength and how much he appreciated me for taking care of the family. My strength was there, but it would have come to the surface a lot more if I felt like he believed in me too.

I think you two are at the point where MC would help.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Why do all these selfless things for your wife if you said in a previous post you can't feel anything for her and she can't feel anything for you?

We can be surrounded by the most beautiful things, if we are not surrounded by the right things, it is rather meaningless.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

TemperToo and Trenton, Thank you so much, picture is clear here. 

But the problem, she cant communicate, when is mad or down, she just shutdown and ignore me. I have to beg and kiss for hours for her to tell me whats wrong or make things working. 
and when she does, she bring everything happened in the past from first day we met.


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