# Opinions on this please



## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

I'm 31, boyfriend is 37. I'm a big woman. 

I work in a supermarket on night shifts and boyfriend is jobless at the moment but eager to find a job and realize himself. 

We had an argument where he said I'm a horrible person because I said people have to be prepared financially if they decide to have a kid.

I have debt at the moment and I'm struggling financially. 

He told me "find a nice provider who earns enough for you to calculate whether you'd like to possibly have a kid"
(he wants kids A LOT and I do want kids as well)

He also said "if people waited until everything was financially right to have kids, most people wouldn't have them. Not that I expect you to understand what normal people do and have been doing from the beginning of time, rainman". 

I'll add that he wanted to wait too a year (which would be around November this year) but because he says I'm fat and with a pregnancy I would ballon up even more. 

What are your opinions? Thanks in advance.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Why are you with him? "Love" doesn't fix incompatibility and if he's an ass now he'll always be an ass. 
Sounds like you got lucky not to get pregnant by him or legally married. If you do either of these you will regret it down the road. Just leave now, find someone who suits your life better and don't settle for a jerk again.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Why are you with him? "Love" doesn't fix incompatibility and if he's an ass now he'll always be an ass.
> Sounds like you got lucky not to get pregnant by him or legally married. If you do either of these you will regret it down the road. Just leave now, find someone who suits your life better and don't settle for a jerk again.


Thanks for your reply. I was looking for opinions on whether you people on here agree with me or him. Only that.

I don't think he is a jerk. I don't think I am a horrible person for saying that though.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

CuteWhale said:


> Thanks for your reply. I was looking for opinions on whether you people on here agree with me or him. Only that.
> 
> I don't think he is a jerk. I don't think I am a horrible person for saying that though.


No one is going to say that having a baby with very little steady income and debt is a good idea. 

Having a baby with someone who insults you, has no job, isn't married to you and is disrespectful at very least (I still say jerk) is an even worse idea. 

People on the internet agreeing with you isn't going to change anything for him so what is the point?


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> No one is going to say that having a baby with very little steady income and debt is a good idea.
> 
> Having a baby with someone who insults you, has no job, isn't married to you and is disrespectful at very least (I still say jerk) is an even worse idea.
> 
> People on the internet agreeing with you isn't going to change anything for him so what is the point?



The point is I'll show him this thread and show him that normal people don't do what he said they do. 

I didn't get too much into detail but at the moment he is very mad at me for other reasons so the insults are due to that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, he thinks that describing someone who he supposedly loves as "rainman" is OK?

*Well, it isn't!* 



> rain-man. Noun. (plural rain men) (pejorative) An autistic, or mentally and/or socially impaired person. (pejorative) A non-autistic or impaired person whose mannerisms are similar to such people.


You might be a big woman, but your boyfriend is a deadweight.

Get rid of him. And find a man. A man who can keep you satisfied.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> So, he thinks that describing someone who he supposedly loves as "rainman" is OK?
> 
> *Well, it isn't!*
> 
> ...


Oh...

I honestly didn't even see that word until I copied and pasted what he told me and I didn't dwell on its meaning but now you make me see what it stands for I am not too impressed no. 

I suppose I have to accept insults because I hurt him a lot and so his lashing out at me is normal.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CuteWhale said:


> Oh...
> 
> I honestly didn't even see that word until I copied and pasted what he told me and I didn't dwell on its meaning but now you make me see what it stands for I am not too impressed no.
> 
> I suppose I have to accept insults because I hurt him a lot and so his lashing out at me is normal.


How did you hurt him?

Lashing out at you is not normal.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> How did you hurt him?
> 
> Lashing out at you is not normal.


It's a long story. 

I was supposed to marry him here in the UK before his visa was up (I'm not a Brit so he could have stayed as family member of an EU citizen if I married him) but it didn't happen twice. 
Twice he went back to his country outside Europe, back with his parents after, like he says, I discarded him. The first time it was after a month he was here. He wanted to start a new life, finally get a job and get away from his parents' house. 

I took out a loan so we could live together in the flat I rent. 

When he arrived he was naturally disorientated and told me he was considering going back because he could study back in his country and get financial aid, which he couldn't do here. 

He stayed a month and right until the end he kept saying he was undecided, mainly because once back there he knew he would have to contribute financially and use his savings and wouldn't be able to study in peace like he wanted. And it bothered him that he would have to do that and his siblings wouldn't be contributing as much financially as him. 

I will point out he once told me during that month how it would be selfish of me to not let him go back to study and achieve something because of my selfishness in wanting him with me, even at the expense of his possible happiness in fulfilling himself. 

Anyway he decided he wanted to stay and have a go at life here but he went back because I insisted that if I married it would have to be forever and he kept saying that he couldn't guarantee that despite his best intentions as you never know what might happen.

I regretted letting him go and he was unhappy back in his country so a couple of months later he came back. At this point I was struggling financially and unsure I would be able to keep renting the house once the year was up. I can't afford to pay upfront for another 12 months and take out loans again as my income is not enough to rent even a tiny flat on its own.

In the past 6 months I worked as much overtime as I could, had to fly back to my country twice, once because my sister had an operation and then my mum had a second stroke. 

We didn't get married because I kept being undecided and having doubts and I said I didn't want to marry in this unstable situation and it got to when his visa was about to expire and he had to book to go back to his country.

He says I discarded him, that I don't love him enough and he's hating me for being back in his country with his parents again. He says discarding him twice is unforgivable. Making him come here twice and then back out is unforgivable. I know I have hurt him but it wasn't about lack of love.


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## spawn2031 (Jul 19, 2017)

CuteWhale said:


> It's a long story.
> 
> I was supposed to marry him here in the UK before his visa was up (I'm not a Brit so he could have stayed as family member of an EU citizen if I married him) but it didn't happen twice.
> Twice he went back to his country outside Europe, back with his parents after, like he says, I discarded him. The first time it was after a month he was here. He wanted to start a new life, finally get a job and get away from his parents' house.
> ...


You, my dear, are being manipulated. He is trying to use you as an ends to a means. What that is, only he knows but I can definitely say that there is nothing at all healthy about anything that you just typed about EXCEPT in your hesitation. I think deep down you know that this is not the right path for you which is why you keep making excuses and hesitating to go forward. Hell, even if it's not a subconscious thing, you are 100000% right that it's a bad idea to move forward in such unstable conditions. Marriage and kids are not a magic glue that bind the 2 of you together and *poof* everything starts to work out. It's full of a lot of decisions and sacrifices that can easily destroy relationships if they dont already have a good solid base.

I agree with @SlowlyGoingCrazy , this guy seems to be a complete jerk, a total ******* even and no one deserves to be insulted and treated as this guy appears to be treating you. I would strongly encourage you to stop worrying about this deadbeat. Drop him and concentrate on yourself and your own happiness before he sucks you down a deep dark hole.

BTW... you say you're a Big Woman as if it has some bearing here. It doesn't. So what if you're big. You still deserve the exact same kind of love and respect as all of us.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. The guy is 37 years old. When he isn't sponging off of his parents, he's sponging off of you. Let him go. He's trying to get you to be his sugar mama so he can study and 'realize' himself. He wants you to have his babies so you'll be stuck supporting him. And, he won't even commit to a 'forever' marriage. Pfffft, he's a user and a loser.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

spawn2031 said:


> You, my dear, are being manipulated. He is trying to use you as an ends to a means. What that is, only he knows but I can definitely say that there is nothing at all healthy about anything that you just typed about EXCEPT in your hesitation. I think deep down you know that this is not the right path for you which is why you keep making excuses and hesitating to go forward. Hell, even if it's not a subconscious thing, you are 100000% right that it's a bad idea to move forward in such unstable conditions. Marriage and kids are not a magic glue that bind the 2 of you together and *poof* everything starts to work out. It's full of a lot of decisions and sacrifices that can easily destroy relationships if they dont already have a good solid base.
> 
> I agree with @SlowlyGoingCrazy , this guy seems to be a complete jerk, a total ******* even and no one deserves to be insulted and treated as this guy appears to be treating you. I would strongly encourage you to stop worrying about this deadbeat. Drop him and concentrate on yourself and your own happiness before he sucks you down a deep dark hole.
> 
> BTW... you say you're a Big Woman as if it has some bearing here. It doesn't. So what if you're big. You still deserve the exact same kind of love and respect as all the rest of us.



I don't think he is using me or should I say "was using me" because I saw he had real feelings for me. 

I said that because of the pregnancy thing. A fat woman shouldn't have children also because of health reasons. Me being fat (he is too) has always been an issue for him. He wants me slim and would be unhappy if I stayed fat.

He always told me how he would leave me eventually if I stayed fat but that he saids that to motivate me and that he wouldn't have really done that. 
I lied a few times about being on a diet and losing weight because I didn't want him to get upset with me.

I find myself hiding things because he would get upset and this has caused him to lose trust in me. 

He went and posted online, after our break-up (?) saying he fell in love with an obese ugly girl and that the belief that ugly girls have a better personality than beautiful girls is just a meme. 

Whenever I try to discuss that it always goes back to me discarding him twice. He said that was stuff said while venting and exaggerations. He acts like I have no right to be upset about anything at the moment, because I discarded him.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Sorry you find yourself in this situation. The guy is 37 years old. When he isn't sponging off of his parents, he's sponging off of you. Let him go. He's trying to get you to be his sugar mama so he can study and 'realize' himself. He wants you to have his babies so you'll be stuck supporting him. And, he won't even commit to a 'forever' marriage. Pfffft, he's a user and a loser.



He was gonna find a job and help me with my debts, but to do that I needed to marry him. Can't really let people think he was gonna be a freeloader sorry. Anyway I've never had the mentality the man has to support me. It never bothered me to be the one working.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Fat does not equal ugly. Just thought I'd mention that. 

Which countries are you both from? Is there a possible culture clash?


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Fat does not equal ugly. Just thought I'd mention that.
> 
> Which countries are you both from? Is there a possible culture clash?


Two 1st world countries. Me a country from Europe with lots of sunshine, him one of the biggest countries in the world. 

Sorry if I'm not specific, but I don't want to say exactly which countries

For him you can't be attractive if fat. Period. Fat is unattractive.


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## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

CuteWhale said:


> Two 1st world countries. Me a country from Europe with lots of sunshine, him one of the biggest countries in the world.
> 
> Sorry if I'm not specific, but I don't want to say exactly which countries
> 
> For him you can't be attractive if fat. Period. Fat is unattractive.


Do you want to, or deserve to spend the rest of your life attempting the hardest thing ever - raising a child - with someone who doesn't find you attractive?

How do YOU feel about fat? Are you attractive?

Edit:

Wanted to add additional perspective... It seems like you're accepting this verbal abuse because you don't think you could get a better partner, or because you don't know how anyone could find you attractive anyways



CuteWhale said:


> He says I'm fat and with a pregnancy I would ballon up even more...


Just wanted to highlight that this 'insult' your boyfriend hurled here is absolutely, 100% foreplay/dirty talk to my husband. Humans are attracted to a ridiculous variety of things in other humans, and there are tons of dudes that are attracted to BBWs, and also attracted to pregnant women. You are not stuck with this partner, you can find someone who is attracted to you.


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## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

He wants you slim and would be unhappy with you any other way?

And you haven't shown him how to operate the exit door yet?

Do NOT have a child with him.
Do NOT marry him.

If he cant love and accept you just the way you are, and be nothing but helpful and supportive of any change YOU want to make to improve yourself for YOUR own well being and/or self esteem, he should be shown the above mentioned door.

Sounds to me like all he's doing in bludging off you and stringing you along.

Just because you might be somewhere on the cuddly side of thin doesn't mean you should settle for a deadbeat.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> Do you want to, or deserve to spend the rest of your life attempting the hardest thing ever - raising a child - with someone who doesn't find you attractive?
> 
> How do YOU feel about fat? Are you attractive?


I don't think I'm ugly in the face. I hate my body though and I'm over 200lbs. I'm 5'7''. Would look worse if I was short. I definitely have a horrible fat body.

He is fat but I like him even fat. He has a handsome face. He's also slightly shorter than me, but again not an issue. 



AussieRN said:


> He wants you slim and would be unhappy with you any other way?
> 
> And you haven't shown him how to operate the exit door yet?
> 
> ...


He's not stringing me along. The way things are now are that he will never forgive me for sending him away twice but at least he still talks to me. At the moment, after our argument about children, he has blocked me "for a few hours" because he needs a break. 


I'm not just a little overweight. I'm obese. I am definitely over 200lbs and my height is 5'7''. I have big hips and legs. I move fine and I stack shelves all night and can do a physical job so I'm not fat in a way that is affecting my ability to walk and move. Just so you don't think I'm super huge. 

He has called me tank, behemoth etc in the past when upset about my lack of weight loss, during arguments. He has also told me I should find someone who likes fat women.

I'm not settling for anything. I don't have any intention to find another guy after him, if it's really over.


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## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

CuteWhale said:


> I don't think I'm ugly in the face. I hate my body though and I'm over 200lbs. I'm 5'7''. Would look worse if I was short. I definitely have a horrible fat body.


Work with your doctor, a good psychologist, and a good personal trainer, so you can get a more realistic picture of your health and your value, and overcome these unnecessary negative feelings.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> Work with your doctor, a good psychologist, and a good personal trainer, so you can get a more realistic picture of your health and your value, and overcome these unnecessary negative feelings.



I don't have health problems at the moment due to my weight but I know obesity increases the risk for certain illnesses.

I don't have money for personal trainers. I barely have enough just to pay bills and food.


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## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

CuteWhale said:


> I don't have health problems at the moment due to my weight but I know obesity increases the risk for certain illnesses.
> 
> I don't have money for personal trainers. I barely have enough just to pay bills and food.


Tbh, if you are otherwise healthy and active, the psychologist is the important one. It doesn't sound like you have a weight problem, other than thinking that you have a weight problem.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> Do you want to, or deserve to spend the rest of your life attempting the hardest thing ever - raising a child - with someone who doesn't find you attractive?
> 
> How do YOU feel about fat? Are you attractive?
> 
> ...


I am not interested in finding someone else. If I was anyway, I don't want those who like BBWs and fetishise fat. I don't want to stay fat. I want someone who likes me whether I'm fat or slim because he finds me beautiful in whatever shape because they love me so much.

He would be attracted to me pregnant. I'm fat already and his fear is I would get even worse while pregnant, since normally you put on weight during a pregnancy. If I was a normal slim girl pregnant he wouldn't think I'm ugly because I'm pregnant.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

CuteWhale said:


> I'm 31, boyfriend is 37. I'm a big woman.
> 
> I work in a supermarket on night shifts and boyfriend is jobless at the moment but eager to find a job and realize himself.
> 
> ...



Tell him it is irresponsible to have children if you are not prepared to financially support them and give them the best of everything. Having kids and expecting welfare to take care of them is ridiculous. People should be banned from doing so!
He sounds like a loser tbh. He should get off his ass and go get a decent job and think about providing for you and any potential family. Do not have kids with this man, if he is speaking to your and taking you for granted like his can you imagine what it would be like when kids come along.
Consider dumping him as he doesn't sound like partner or father material at all.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> Tbh, if you are otherwise healthy and active, the psychologist is the important one. It doesn't sound like you have a weight problem, other than thinking that you have a weight problem.


Well I do have a problem, if anything because I don't like being fat. But really being fat isn't good anyway. 

I know I have low self-esteem and would love to work on that but I have no idea how and I really want to work things out with this guy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CuteWhale said:


> Two 1st world countries. Me a country from Europe with lots of sunshine, him one of the biggest countries in the world.
> 
> Sorry if I'm not specific, but I don't want to say exactly which countries
> 
> For him you can't be attractive if fat. Period. Fat is unattractive.


I can understand your reticence. 

If he doesn't want a woman with a fuller figure, then he should be dating someone like this


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

aine said:


> Tell him it is irresponsible to have children if you are not prepared to financially support them and give them the best of everything. Having kids and expecting welfare to take care of them is ridiculous. People should be banned from doing so!
> He sounds like a loser tbh. He should get off his ass and go get a decent job and think about providing for you and any potential family. Do not have kids with this man, if he is speaking to your and taking you for granted like his can you imagine what it would be like when kids come along.
> Consider dumping him as he doesn't sound like partner or father material at all.


He said kids are always happy unless you mistreat them. 

I don't want to be kept by him or anyone and I don't expect a man to support me financially. I want to contribute just like the man in a relationship if I can.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> I can understand your reticence.
> 
> If he doesn't want a woman with a fuller figure, then he should be dating someone like this


Thanks :|, but you know, he is not expecting me to be a size 0, but he has a problem with my obesity. 

He does like to comment on how ****able someone like Iskra Lawrence is, and she is not a stick, but she is not thick in an unsightly way.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Why would you want to be with someone who treats you that way? Does it really matter who we agree with? What good is showing him this thread going to do? The bottomline is that you feel you cannot do better than this person. Run while you can, he is doing nothing to bring you growth. He does not sound like he is bettering your life in any way... Love is sometimes blind. You really lack self-esteem, and that is really sad. He reminds me of my ex boyfriend. That guy does deserve you! 

Think about this... If you did have a child with this man, say, a daughter.. Do you want her significant other to treat her this way? Calling her names, belittling her, making her feel less than? Do you think daddy will change his ways? If she grows up seeing this happening, she, too, will accept this behavior as "normal." And it is anything but!! Just my opinion. Good luck.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

I meant to say does not* deserve you. Sorry, was typing way too fast, And did not catch it. I am fairly new here and dont know how to edit these things...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to kick him out of your life.

Then maybe think about getting some exercise.

I used to be 21 stone in weight and I am now just over 14 stone. How? Walking, in the main. Plus cutting down on sugar, etc.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Works said:


> I meant to say does not* deserve you. Sorry, was typing way too fast, And did not catch it. I am fairly new here and dont know how to edit these things...


The edit button is your friend. With my suspect typing ability it is my best friend! 

It's just under the window where you see your post.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

Works said:


> Why would you want to be with someone who treats you that way? Does it really matter who we agree with? What good is showing him this thread going to do? The bottomline is that you feel you cannot do better than this person. Run while you can, he is doing nothing to bring you growth. He does not sound like he is bettering your life in any way... Love is sometimes blind. You really lack self-esteem, and that is really sad. He reminds me of my ex boyfriend. That guy does deserve you!
> 
> Think about this... If you did have a child with this man, say, a daughter.. Do you want her significant other to treat her this way? Calling her names, belittling her, making her feel less than? Do you think daddy will change his ways? If she grows up seeing this happening, she, too, will accept this behavior as "normal." And it is anything but!! Just my opinion. Good luck.


Before reading your other post where you corrected yourself, I thought you meant I deserved your ex and thought it a was strange thing to say since it's your ex so mustn't have been someone you'd recommend. :wink2:

I can tell you if a guy spoke to his daughter like he speaks to me sometimes, he'd kill him. He's a controlling guy and he sees this as being loving and protective. 

He has a habit of saying that I deserved it if during an argument he calls me "idiot", "retard" and so on.

I told him that if he had another girlfriend, she wouldn't like this either, wouldn't like his double standards about what he can do and what his partner can do and that he'd have an issue with any (normal) woman about this aspect of him but he just shrugs it off and basically doesn't think I'm right about that.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> The edit button is your friend. With my suspect typing ability it is my best friend!
> 
> It's just under the window where you see your post.



Thank you... :grin2: Hopefully this shows up the way I meant for it to. I posted that from my cell phone, and I do not believe you can edit while on the mobile version. I will get it eventually.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Works said:


> Thank you... :grin2: Hopefully this shows up the way I meant for it to. I posted that from my cell phone, and I do not believe you can edit while on the mobile version. I will get it eventually.


As my Welsh family would say: "There's brave!" 

When I am on my mobile I never use the special enhanced mobile version as it drives me nuts! :banghead::crazy:


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## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

CuteWhale said:


> Before reading your other post where you corrected yourself, I thought you meant I deserved your ex and thought it a was strange thing to say since it's your ex so mustn't have been someone you'd recommend. :wink2:
> 
> I can tell you if a guy spoke to his daughter like he speaks to me sometimes, he'd kill him. He's a controlling guy and he sees this as being loving and protective.
> 
> ...


What does he say when you point out that he would never let someone treat his daughter the way he treats you?


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> What does he say when you point out that he would never let someone treat his daughter the way he treats you?


That that's normal behavior. Like saying he likes women in bikinis but he wouldn't want his daughter in one with men lusting over her.


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## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

CuteWhale said:


> That that's normal behavior. Like saying he likes women in bikinis but he wouldn't want his daughter in one with men lusting over her.


That certainly doesn't explain why he thinks his own behavior is acceptable, when it would not be acceptable if present in his daughter's relationship(s).


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

CuteWhale said:


> Thanks :|, but you know, he is not expecting me to be a size 0, but he has a problem with my obesity.
> 
> He does like to comment on how ****able someone like Iskra Lawrence is, and she is not a stick, but she is not thick in an unsightly way.


Why does a fat guy think he deserves a slim girl? Has he been actively trying to lose weight while criticizing yours? 

Just a thought: now that you don't have to support him, you can take the money you were spending on his chow and hit a gym if it bothers you that much.

Don't let him ridicule you and talk down to you. You don't deserve that. And, you certainly don't deserve to take that **** from a guy leeching off of you. Since he thinks he's all that, he can put his 37 year old short, fat ass on the market and see how many girls are interested in an unemployed guy living with his parents who likes to diss their girlfriends.

Honestly, you can do better. Much better. And, for the love of God, never refer to yourself as a whale. Stand proud.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did you post this story recently in this forum under a different user name? It sounds very familiar. 

The question then IIRC was how to make him see that you do love him but don't want to marry him right now because of the financial uncertainty? The answer still is that you can't. He's sitting at home with his parents, unemployed, waiting for you to rescue him from that life. He's not going to accept anything less. So, yes, he's angry and will continue to be as long as he doesn't get his way (and maybe even after). The real question is why you would want that life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't worry about him dumping you -- that's unlikely because few people in that very large country he lives in (yes, I remember which one) would be willing to put up with him and he knows that.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

CuteWhale said:


> He said kids are always happy unless you mistreat them.
> 
> I don't want to be kept by him or anyone and I don't expect a man to support me financially. I want to contribute just like the man in a relationship if I can.


That is a great attitude but there will come a time, maybe due to sick children, issues at home etc where you need a man you can rely on. He doesn't sound the type to be honest and if he is disrespecting you now, it is not going to get any better. Even if you have fuller figure that is no excuse for his derogatory comments.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

MattMatt;18301161[B said:


> ]*You need to kick him out of your life*.[/B]
> 
> Then maybe think about getting some exercise.
> 
> I used to be 21 stone in weight and I am now just over 14 stone. How? Walking, in the main. Plus cutting down on sugar, etc.



This.

Start with the bold ASAP


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

CuteWhale said:


> For him you can't be attractive if fat. Period. Fat is unattractive.


LOL. That's pretty amusing that he thinks he's enough of a_* prize*_ to have all these 'deal breakers' - especially since it's coming from an emotionally stunted miscreant who STILL sleeps in his boyhood bedroom and depends on mommy and daddy to support him at the ripe old age of 37.

You posted you story several months ago under another screen name. And Mr. Wonderful was *jobless* back THEN, too. I remember this loser trying to convince you to marry his worthless ass the last time you posted. You continually let us all know what a complete piece of **** he is, then spend tons of time defending him and this immature train-wreck of a 'relationship' when people tell you to move on and drop him.

I'll have to assume you think he's the best you'll ever get due to your weight, so that's why you continue clinging to this douche bag like grim death. 



> I'll add that he wanted to wait too a year (which would be around November this year) but because he says I'm fat and with a pregnancy I would ballon up even more.


Certain people just shouldn't breed. 

And he's *one* of them. He can't even support his OWN worthless ass and needs his parents to support him, so who the HELL does he expect to support some kid he wants to have? You? The state? The tax payers? His mommy and daddy? Because HE sure isn't going to do it. What a complete ass-hole.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I am only 5'2". I weight just over 200 lbs. I can tell you some of us even trying to lose weight is hard especially if like you we are hard on ourselves. You shouldn't expect that you'll lose weight soon particularly if you have a baby or lots of babies.

Do not marry or date someone who judges you and admits they aren't attracted to you because you are obese.

He really sounds like a horrible man.

While your options may not be as often and varied as a skinny model, you will have better ones than this. I mentioned my obesity because I dated men like you who did seem to care about me but obsessed about my weight. I thankfully dumped that one and found one who loves me for me. I've been blissfully married for 23 years.

And frankly when I dated the obsessed man I slowly gained 1-2 pounds a month for 2 years. I didn't really gain with my hubby except for when I had a child. Unhappiness is hard to fight. 

For what it's worth I'm currently losing no trainer, just My Fitness Pal a free app and walking.

Dump him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

PS you are right people shouldn't have children when they aren't prepared. Even if you had money you aren't prepared with a stable relationship. Parenting is hard and while there are many admirable single parents you should at least try to provide your children with both a mother and father. If dad is out the door in a year or two because you are obese where does that leave you? Having children does NOT improve a relationship. 

Just pop over to the sex forum and you'll see lots of unhappy men because children under 5 slow most relationships down for quite a while


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. That's pretty amusing that he thinks he's enough of a_* prize*_ to have all these 'deal breakers' - especially since it's coming from an emotionally stunted miscreant who STILL sleeps in his boyhood bedroom and depends on mommy and daddy to support him at the ripe old age of 37.
> 
> You posted you story several months ago under another screen name. And Mr. Wonderful was *jobless* back THEN, too. I remember this loser trying to convince you to marry his worthless ass the last time you posted. You continually let us all know what a complete piece of **** he is, then spend tons of time defending him and this immature train-wreck of a 'relationship' when people tell you to move on and drop him.
> 
> ...


Sorry about the different accounts. I don't come on here a lot and I find it easier to make a new account than remember what username or email address I have used. It's not meant to be disrespectful towards the website and its users.

I have read many comments saying how he could support a kid etc. Obviously he knows he would have to get a job and he wanted one HERE. He said once married and allowed to work, we could tackle my debts together and everything would work out fine financially. I decided to not marry him instead and he is now not very sympathetic towards my debts.

He wants kids before he's too old. 

I basically told hin yesterday that no sane person would plan kids while in a dire financial situation and his response was that he wasn't gonna bother replying to that pile of garbage. 

In the last few days he has been active online posting women on 4chan. They commonly refer to women they post as "sl**s" and rate them, make sexual comments, share pics of other "sl**s". 

I'm pretty sure he's been doing it because he knows I hate it and that I can see the posts. I have now blocked access on my router to this website so I can't see anything anymore and retain some sanity. When I see that I could smash the whole house and he knows and has never cared about it. He says he's always done it and won't stop. It's what guys do when they talk among themselves etc. Period. I'm just being whiny, controlling and envious of pretty thin girls. 

He has said if I did the same he wouldn't put up with it. 

I guess the reason why I cling on this is sunk costs and my extremely stubborn nature. It's not really because I don't think I can't find another guy. 

He always tells me that he's charming, knows how to talk to girls, how modelesque types back when he used to work wanted him. He basically tells me he could have an attractive girl even if he's fat. He points it out a lot and I have concluded he's deeply insecure and the rejection I put him through must have done a lot of damage to his self-esteem.




anastasia6 said:


> I am only 5'2". I weight just over 200 lbs. I can tell you some of us even trying to lose weight is hard especially if like you we are hard on ourselves. You shouldn't expect that you'll lose weight soon particularly if you have a baby or lots of babies.
> 
> Do not marry or date someone who judges you and admits they aren't attracted to you because you are obese.
> 
> ...


Yep, he thought being mean would motivate me. Between him constantly looking at other girls, all thin and gorgeous, and him telling me I'm not attractive because I'm fat, I've never managed to be happy and pursue weight loss in any remotely happy state of mind. He's never understood that avoiding certain behaviours would have motivated me more. 



Openminded said:


> Did you post this story recently in this forum under a different user name? It sounds very familiar.
> 
> The question then IIRC was how to make him see that you do love him but don't want to marry him right now because of the financial uncertainty? The answer still is that you can't. He's sitting at home with his parents, unemployed, waiting for you to rescue him from that life. He's not going to accept anything less. So, yes, he's angry and will continue to be as long as he doesn't get his way (and maybe even after). The real question is why you would want that life.


I don't think he is trying to manipulate me now into marrying him.

He continually tells me there's no chance he will forgive me or ever set foot back here. He says he wants to find someone who will truly love him, unlike me.

He was jobless back then and wasn't trying to get a job because he wanted to try Europe. Once here he couldn't work, despite wanting to, because not legally allowed to do so unless I married him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He could have worked where he is now and instead has chosen not to. Instead he has the idea of moving to Europe and working and he has tried hard to convince (manipulate) you to go along. It's apparently all or nothing for him. So, yes, he's angry that you're not cooperating. And you could do a lot better than him but choose not to. 

You were told all of this on your other thread. Doesn't sound like anything has changed since then.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

Openminded said:


> He could have worked where he is now and instead has chosen not to. Instead he has the idea of moving to Europe and working and he has tried hard to convince (manipulate) you to go along. It's apparently all or nothing for him. So, yes, he's angry that you're not cooperating. And you could do a lot better than him but choose not to.
> 
> You were told all of this on your other thread. Doesn't sound like anything has changed since then.


I know... I'm sick in the head I guess :crying:. I also think about all the money spent and emotional investment and I feel like I have to make it work. I am also very stubborn and want to prove he is wrong about everything. All not healthy I know.

Well, before he actually moved here the first time, when I was desperately trying to find a place, he was chatting online with this German girl, who according to him was thin, pretty and 19. She had her own place paid by her parents and offered him to stay with her shortly after they started chatting, without even having seen him. 

He kept telling me if I didn't manage to find a place he would have to go there. I was the first option and what he wanted but he needed to leave his parents asap and so he would have gone there. That's basically why I ended up getting a loan. I had to make it happen if I didn't want to lose him to some German girl.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I have read many comments saying how he could support a kid etc. Obviously he knows he would have to get a job and he wanted one HERE. He said once married and allowed to work, we could tackle my debts together and everything would work out fine financially. *I decided to not marry him instead and he is now not very sympathetic towards my debts."*

Why would he be sympathetic towards your debts? Is this what all of this 'relationship' was about? Him paying off your debts for you? While we're on the subject, why do you have so many debts?

Are you looking for him to get a job and send you money? If that is the case, just say so. Because money is the only reason a person would put up with all that crap. 

If you believe that nonsense about the German girl who would take him in sight unseen, you really need a reality check. Common sense is knocking, but it looks like no one is home.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> "I have read many comments saying how he could support a kid etc. Obviously he knows he would have to get a job and he wanted one HERE. He said once married and allowed to work, we could tackle my debts together and everything would work out fine financially. *I decided to not marry him instead and he is now not very sympathetic towards my debts."*
> 
> Why would he be sympathetic towards your debts? Is this what all of this 'relationship' was about? Him paying off your debts for you? While we're on the subject, why do you have so many debts?
> 
> ...


I explained this. I have so many debts because I took out a loan to rent the place I live in as I only work part time. I was paying all bills, food, bus pass and loan instalment by myself, on a part time income. Money isn't enough and some expenses had to be put on credit cards. I also explained I had to fly back twice to my country as my sister first, then my mum were in hospital. 

I find it very offensive to imply I am a gold digger. I never asked him for a penny, despite the fact he has thousands in savings and that's not just saying. Have seen proof of that and he has left me $4000 before leaving the 2nd time that I haven't touched and intend to give back. So, before you say I am looking for him to pay off my debts, think twice.
If that was the case I would have married him and made him get a job asap. I would have gotten welfare help as well if I had married him. Surely you can see I wasn't in it for the money.

I said that because I only took out the loan and rushed into renting on an insufficient income so as not to lose him.

I didn't believe that too much but I was scared of losing him one way or the other.

I'm stupid and you're right about that. 

He's not sympathetic when I say I got into debt for him and he has the nerve to say I don't love him. That's what I meant! Not that he should worry about helping me with them.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I'm stupid and you're right about that." 

I never said that. But, if you're intent on giving back the $4000 that you used to support him - I'll reconsider.

Where were you living before you decided to rent a place for the two of you? Why aren't you working full-time?

And, the biggest question of all - why do you so desperately want this guy? Surely there are jerks in your own country who would be happy to insult you and sponge off of you.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> "I'm stupid and you're right about that."
> 
> I never said that. But, if you're intent on giving back the $4000 that you used to support him - I'll reconsider.
> 
> ...


I was living in a tiny room, sharing all the rest. I'm not working full time because I can't find anything full time and permanent at the moment. It's not easy. I go to interviews and nothing ever comes out of them. 5 in the last 3 months. Supermarkets rarely do full time contracts now. I'm lucky to have found something, especially with no job experience in the UK as an employee. 
I was working as a freelancer for an online company but making even less than now. 

I don't live back in my country. My life is here now. I don't know. Like I said it's a mixture of stubbornness and the sunk costs fallacy. And the job situation in my country is not good. 

I am sorry if I was aggressive in my reply.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CuteWhale said:


> I'm 31, boyfriend is 37. I'm a big woman.
> 
> I work in a supermarket on night shifts and boyfriend is jobless at the moment but eager to find a job and realize himself.
> 
> ...





CuteWhale said:


> SlowlyGoingCrazy said:
> 
> 
> > Why are you with him? "Love" doesn't fix incompatibility and if he's an ass now he'll always be an ass.
> ...


When you give information about your situation, people are going to respond to what you said. Besides that, you asked, "What are your opinions?" When someone gave their opinion, you didn't like what they were responding to, despite the fact that he did exactly what you asked him to do.


CuteWhale said:


> Oh...
> 
> I honestly didn't even see that word until I copied and pasted what he told me and I didn't dwell on its meaning but now you make me see what it stands for I am not too impressed no.
> 
> I suppose I have to accept insults because I hurt him a lot and so his lashing out at me is normal.


It’s not normal. If you two think it’s okay to lash out at each other, you do not have a healthy relationship and bringing children into an unhealthy relationship is not going to make for healthy children. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have your back and you don’t have theirs doesn’t work well.


CuteWhale said:


> He says I discarded him, that I don't love him enough and he's hating me for being back in his country with his parents again. He says discarding him twice is unforgivable. Making him come here twice and then back out is unforgivable. I know I have hurt him but it wasn't about lack of love.


So he is living with you in a state of unforgiveness. You two are in an adversarial relationship. Nothing good will come of that.

Besides all this, I think the reason he wants to have a child with you is to secure his VISA.


CuteWhale said:


> I don't think he is using me or should I say "was using me" because I saw he had real feelings for me.
> 
> I said that because of the pregnancy thing. A fat woman shouldn't have children also because of health reasons. Me being fat (he is too) has always been an issue for him. He wants me slim and would be unhappy if I stayed fat.
> 
> ...


It only gets worse. He is not satisfied with the way you are now. You lie to him to manipulate him.
Neither of you is ready for any kind of deep relationship or for children. This is a train wreck. Put on the brakes and get your own life together - without him.
As far as your weight goes, either learn how to reset your body so it will be the ideal weight for you or be happy with the weight you are at and only look for someone who likes you just the way you are.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

About the sunk cost fallacy - throwing good money after bad is never a good idea. Take the hit and move on. 

You might want to explore what 'stubborn' really means to you.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> When you give information about your situation, people are going to respond to what you said. Besides that, you asked, "What are your opinions?" When someone gave their opinion, you didn't like what they were responding to, despite the fact that he did exactly what you asked him to do.
> 
> 
> Besides all this, I think the reason he wants to have a child with you is to secure his VISA.
> ...



Yes, I meant opinions on whose stance is more reasonable but it wasn't meant as an attack, just making it clearer what I was asking. It came across the wrong way I guess. 

I don't think so. He didn't want to impregnate me while he was here. For various reasons. He said, first because I am too big at the moment and would gain more weight with a pregnancy and second because he said he wasn't sure about me really loving him since I wasn't doing anything about the marriage matter. Completely the opposite of what you said. 

Having a kid with me wouldn't make him automatically eligible to stay here permanently.

I think you misunderstood because he's not living with me now. He's back in his country as the 6 months on his visa ran out in July. He had to go back since within that time he was here I didn't marry him and he couldn't overstay.


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## CuteWhale (Aug 18, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> About the sunk cost fallacy - throwing good money after bad is never a good idea. Take the hit and move on.
> 
> You might want to explore what 'stubborn' really means to you.


I know. the sunk cost is also the emotional investment etc. It's easier said than done. I need to overcome all that but not sure how. I'll have to figure it out.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Dump him. Stop talking to him. What's the point? He's a jerk and says he'll never forgive you anyway. Wish him luck with his German friend. Don't give back the 4000 you hosted him in a flat for you two. It's only right he share expenses of rent food electric and such.


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