# This sucks = understatement of the century



## Painkiller Jen (Mar 18, 2013)

Hi. I'm in limbo for the last 4 months. My husband is still deciding between me and his mistress. They have recently significantly reduced their amount of contact...just intermittant emails. She suggested this so that my husband will miss her and come running like a puppy.
So not only is the affair not really over since they are still engaging in an emotional affair and I'm still stuck in limbo, but I also have to deal with my husband's withdrawal mood swings.
To be betrayed over and over by the person you trusted most, forced to fight another woman for your husband for months and to be pushed away over and over again...this must be hell.
Intellectually I knew things would be like this when I decided to fight for my marriage. But the actual enduring of it all...


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Painkiller Jen said:


> Hi. I'm in limbo for the last 4 months. My husband is still deciding between me and his mistress. They have recently significantly reduced their amount of contact...just intermittant emails. She suggested this so that my husband will miss her and come running like a puppy.
> So not only is the affair not really over since they are still engaging in an emotional affair and I'm still stuck in limbo, but I also have to deal with my husband's withdrawal mood swings.
> To be betrayed over and over by the person you trusted most, forced to fight another woman for your husband for months and to be pushed away over and over again...this must be hell.
> Intellectually *I knew things would be like this when I decided to fight for my marriage.* But the actual enduring of it all...


How are you fighting for your marriage?


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

What exactly are you fighting for? Not to be harsh, but this POS husband of yours can't decide between you and a mistress? Uh, hello....anybody home? Ditch his arse and move on. You must find more self esteem in yourself than this!! No one, I repeat, NO ONE does this to someone they vowed to love, honor & cherish. Please Painkiller Jen, back away from the painkillers and see the light.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I really hope you find the courage and strength to dump his ass as nobody deserves to go through this sort of torture. Has he actually told you he is still deciding? Who told you about her tactic?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's chosen not to be with you. You see that right


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## nunikit (Mar 20, 2013)

Girl, you deserve so much better than this!! Where does your husband get off acting like he's all that and a coke to go!! 

If your going to fight, world peace, starving babies, homelessness. There are far more worthy battles out there than this crap!!

Please do whatever you need to do to get your power back from these two asshats and run away!!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Painkiller Jen, it isn't up to HIM. It's YOUR call to make.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Begin the 180 for youself

Expose the affair in a factual non-emotional way to his relatives, your relatives, to mutual friends, her relatives

Gather all financial documents and secure them

Ask him to moves his krap out out the marital home and leave

See a family law lawyer tomorrow morning and file

Go to the bank and secure 1/2 of all assets

////////////////
The more you "fight for him" (chase him) the faster he'll run. The OW knows this thats why she backing off. It's a lure. You don't need a liar or deceiver in your life.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Jen,

I am sorry to say this, but you should not let anyone choose between you and someone else. Nobody wants to be somebody else's second choice. The fact that he just didn't pick you right straight out shows that your H is an Azz.

Start the 180, start the divorce and see if he will wake up! You are much better than that. Don't give him the opportunity to decide... You decide whether or not you should put up with his crap!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Painkiller Jen said:


> Hi. I'm in limbo for the last 4 months. My husband is still deciding between me and his mistress. They have recently significantly reduced their amount of contact...just intermittant emails. She suggested this so that my husband will miss her and come running like a puppy.


 Why should he pick you when you are letting him have both? He is losing respect for you as a person, every day you stand by and allow to do what he wants with the other woman. Since nobody can be in love with someone that they do not respect, your odds of him picking you go down with every day that passes. 

The best odds for you only happen if you are willing to file for divorce and mean it if he does not show you the respect that all spouses deserve. You must demand that he agree right now to decide on you or the other women. If he picks you, picking you needs to include full no contact (NC) with the other woman as well as full transparency to monitor NC. Full transparency should include full passwords and access. Tell him not deciding, means that he did not make the decision to pick you, and will be treated the same as you will file for divorce. He may try to call your bluff, so do not bluff. File and mean it. Do not beg for reconciliation, as it will not work if he is not the one asking for it. 

And remember, that you are both 50%-50% responsible for issues in a marriage, but the cheater is 100% responsible for cheating and it is always wrong. Do not let him try to say otherwise. I am sorry that you are here. Good luck to you.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Give us some more info. What reason do you have to fight for, kids?

You have come to the right place, because you are doing exactly the wrong things, IF you want to save your marriage. That's a big if, first you should figure out if you should even put any effort in.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jen,

Never choose to be a choice!

No one should ever be made to feel that they have to compete to be the spouse. You're better than that. 

If I was told that my spouse needed some time to decide, that in of itself would have been the only answer I needed. I would have filed the very next day

File and then fix your life and go find a man who will love you and only you. No more contests!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

You're in hell because you allow yourself to be there. If you want a better life for yourself you have to take the steps to move forwards without him. I can almost guarantee that as soon as you start walking away your WH will amazingly see the light and realize what he is doing. Start living for you!!


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Your not fighting for your marriage. You are sitting on the side lines waiting to see if your picked or not. HUGE difference!

While your waiting why not see a lawyer and get your options, can't hurt.

Then again, you could just wait this out and hope he picks you this time. But what about next time?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Since he's having such a hard time making a choice, help him out and make it for him. Kick his sorry butt out, and proceed to the attorney's office. If he suddenly sees what he's about to lose, then start and R and put the D on hold. Just because you file, doesn't mean you have to go through with it. That is fighting for the marriage. Don't give WS all the power in this relationship, he's already shown he will abuse that power.


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## Painkiller Jen (Mar 18, 2013)

Hi. I'm fighting for my marriage by showing in action and in deed that I've changed for the better as a person and recognized the mistakes I made to contribute to the marriage being in jeopardy. I have an end date in my mind past which if he keeps dithering he will no longer be able to stay in the house as much as I would like that for our two kids and because, unfortunately for me, I still love him. I also figure that even if he does choose her, the fact that he took so long will mess with the biotches head. I mean I'm sure he was crying on her shoulder that I was the devil...so why is he taking so long to leave the devil? She can say to herself that his indecisiveness is all about the kids but deep down she'll be wondering how deep his feelings for me really go (further than my husband admits). So in the end she may win but I will be messing with her and that may be enough to make their interactions less than the blissful fantasy they had in mind. And if as added bonus thye break up, after having left me, my husband will not have me to come back to.

I don't know if I'm going about things the "right way"...the responses so far indicate a resounding no.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Painkiller Jen said:


> I don't know if I'm going about things the "right way"...the responses so far indicate a resounding no.


NO is correct.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You aren't. I know it feels right, but it isn't. Believe me, I am perhaps one of the only people here to have ever 'niced' my spouse out of an affair, and it only worked because I got lucky with the circumstances, and even so I wish I'd taken a harder line early on. We've both suffered more because I didn't.

You are trusting an addict, and a functional idiot for all intents and purposes to make good rational choices that have huge consequences for you and your kids. Stop it. He has proven he cannot be trusted right now. You can and must make the hard choices. Do not accept him bringing another person into your marriage, do not accept the shoddy treatment. Respect yourself, you deserve it! The blame for him cheating is 100% on him, and until he gets his head out of his ass and gets back in the game with you, you need to look after yourself and your kids. You're in a war, act like it. Until he is on your side, he is an enemy to your family.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

The first step is to move that end date in your mind for him to stop dithering to about 15 seconds from now, and mean it. Tell him to choose, you, right now, or he can gtfo, right now!

If he chooses you, you dictate the terms he will meet. Immediate, permanent No Contact. Full transparency. Individual counselling. Take action together to repair the marriage.

If he doesn't choose you, you had nothing to lose already.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Waiting to choose? He has to choose you, there are no other choices to make are there?

Is he actually withdrawing from her? Actions say no. So while he's at home with you basically stewing and mewling like a love sick cat, in his mind OW is growing more desirable..and you're the bad one keeping them apart.

Takes two to FIGHT


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Pack his stuff and send it to OWs. Yesterday.
Then file and go dark on him.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Being a BS that allowed my WS to chose the path we took, I can tell you that you are making this harder then it has to be. I wasnt on TAM on my DDay but I wish I had of been.

Tell him you're done, you wont be Plan B and that he can GO!! Then you fake it til you make it!!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

He gets to keep you both, Cake Eater 100% and he's loving every bite....because your letting him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> He gets to keep you both, Cake Eater 100% and he's loving every bite....because your letting him.


Put salt in his cake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Put salt in his cake.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^^^:rofl:

I can think of better things than salt....DIVORCE PAPERS


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Painkiller Jen said:


> Hi. I'm fighting for my marriage by showing in action and in deed that I've changed for the better as a person and recognized the mistakes I made to contribute to the marriage being in jeopardy. I have an end date in my mind past which if he keeps dithering he will no longer be able to stay in the house as much as I would like that for our two kids and because, unfortunately for me, I still love him. I also figure that even if he does choose her, the fact that he took so long will mess with the biotches head. I mean I'm sure he was crying on her shoulder that I was the devil...so why is he taking so long to leave the devil? She can say to herself that his indecisiveness is all about the kids but deep down she'll be wondering how deep his feelings for me really go (further than my husband admits). So in the end she may win but I will be messing with her and that may be enough to make their interactions less than the blissful fantasy they had in mind. And if as added bonus thye break up, after having left me, my husband will not have me to come back to.
> 
> I don't know if I'm going about things the "right way"...the responses so far indicate a resounding no.


Jen, This is to help you.

Basically he has an affair, and WHILE STILL in the affair, you become a better wife.....HOW will this inspire this man to change. You REWARDED his bad behavior. 

There's only one Tried and PROVEN method for saving a SAVABLE marriage. Distance and loss. He has to realize exactly what the consequences of his actions are and be faced with making a choice. If the marriage is savable, it's on HIM to do it. If it's not savable, why do you want to keep supplying life support to a corpse?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Painkiller Jen said:


> Hi. I'm fighting for my marriage by showing in action and in deed that I've changed for the better as a person and recognized the mistakes I made to contribute to the marriage being in jeopardy.
> 
> *you certainly are responsible for your 1/2 of the pre-affair problems. The affair rests totally on your husband. Quit accepting ANY guilt for that. There is NOTHING you did to result in his affair. If things were so bad he should have divorced you*
> 
> ...


*Yes, you are making mistakes that are hurting you and your children.

Good luck*


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Painkiller Jen said:


> Hi. I'm fighting for my marriage by showing in action and in deed that I've changed for the better as a person and recognized the mistakes I made to contribute to the marriage being in jeopardy.


Unless you are boinking some guy on the side, I'm going to guess they are the typical "blame the victim" problems. As in, your husband projecting his bad behavior onto you, and you accept it.



> I have an end date in my mind...


I have a unicorn in my mind, but that doesn't make it real. If it's not out in the open, then it's not real. 



> ...will mess with the biotches head.


Really? That's your focus. Getting back at her.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I'm so sorry Jen that you are going through this.

Listen to the people here, they know what they are talking about.

You say you're waiting for him to make his choice. He's already made it. He wants both of you. And right now he has no incentive to change that.

If you truly want to save your marriage, you have to be prepared to lose it. If you do lose it, it wasn't worth saving.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Painkiller Jen said:


> Hi. I'm in limbo for the last 4 months. My husband is still deciding between me and his mistress. They have recently significantly reduced their amount of contact...just intermittant emails. She suggested this so that my husband will miss her and come running like a puppy.
> So not only is the affair not really over since they are still engaging in an emotional affair and I'm still stuck in limbo, but I also have to deal with my husband's withdrawal mood swings.
> To be betrayed over and over by the person you trusted most, forced to fight another woman for your husband for months and to be pushed away over and over again...this must be hell.
> Intellectually I knew things would be like this when I decided to fight for my marriage. But the actual enduring of it all...


Decide for him. Leave him now.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Jen read all these posts again. The advice is solid - If there's a chance then you need to resolve to not be a "chosen" but a "chooser".

Frankly the choice was made when you both walked down the isle. The vows were made in front of witnesses. No one said the vows had an expiration date and that there would be a new contest every so often for which you needed to prepare. 

Get that lawyer working. Get those ducks lined up straight. Stiffen your spine and your resolve. Take charge of your life.


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