# Saying goodbye to 24 yr comfort zone? Help!



## carilynn (Aug 19, 2009)

My first post. Hi all. Ive been married for 24 yrs!! We have 2 older children, but both still living at home :scratchhead:. First off, my husband and I both come from a long line of alcoholics.... Bummer but its true. I have never been a drinker or anything. Guess I saw too much growing up. My husband has always been a drinker, when we were first together I thought he drank to much, but I only saw what I wanted. For the past maybe 5 yrs, 2-3 beers, and sometimes none. His choice. My oldest has had drug issues for the past 6 yrs now 23 yrs old, been in rehab 2+ times....Going again soon....going through detox now. Youngest drinks 4-5 nights a week . Just sick of it all. Anyways....
We argue so often, and mostly because of the choices kids make, and how he doesn't see it for what it is. Last week we had an argument...just like it happens to many times before. Crazy it was over stupid stuff. Isnt that how it is? We havent really talked since, except to say that I wanted him to move out. When he wasn't gone next day, he asked me if I still wanted him to leave, and said it in front of kids??? I just wanted to explode!! So I began to look for rooms to rent, and have found quite a few. 
All I know is when I'm here at home, I feel full of anger. Like any moment I could yell (not good). Tired of always being the one to bite my feelings and just move on. The same things come up everytime. 

Would some time apart be good? I'm thinking so... Please tell me what you think. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to respond.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I also have been married for 24 years with 2 kids. Anytime, when you have a family crisis such as your 23 year old son...it's extremely stressful on a marriage. I know this isn't your first crisis with your son. It wears on the relationship, bit by bit, especially if the marriage is in a weakened state.

We also went through a crisis with our 20 year old last summer and in Feb. Tired of babysitting his life. It's up to him now. Anyway, that crisis was enough momentum for my H to spill the "I'm no longer in love with you" words. 

Anyway, we are separated for one month now. Time apart can be very good. Do you think you want to restore the marriage?


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## carilynn (Aug 19, 2009)

I also hate those words...not in love with you. H has said the same to me, but the next day....sorry. This last time was very different for me. The pain felt so much deeper. As far as to restore the marriage? My first instinct is yes- get back to a comfortable area quickly.... And, then I think, do I really? Because the same thing will happen again and again. 
Yes I realize that drama with kids takes its toll on yr marriage. But, as I have thought, the kids wont be here in 5 yrs (hopefully), but we can still be together? 
I could have looked at some of the rooms for rent today. Did I go? No. It is just scary, feels like Im going backwards in life.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

So the kids are the main reason for your arguements?

Does his drinking bother you?

What is the main reason for you wanting to leave?


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## carilynn (Aug 19, 2009)

I dont think so. It seems like he uses them as a scapegoat. Easier I guess to blame someone else. 
As far as his drinking. No not a problem, but gets old. I noticed he hasn't drank anything for over a week, since the night of the blow up. H always says I think everyone is an alcoholic if they drink everyday. Even if they only have 3 beers? Im sensitive I guess from growing up, and watching my kids! 
I want to leave for some peace for myself. I think? But then wonder....cause it wont be peaceful being out of my comfort zone. And it gets old hearing from H that he should have left a long time ago, and that any other person would have never stuck around. Wow that sucks just writing it!! Everytime he gets upset I hear it....everytime.... And I think that maybe some of the anger will go away. I feel full of it whenever Im around him.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

carilynn said:


> I dont think so. It seems like he uses them as a scapegoat. Easier I guess to blame someone else.
> As far as his drinking. No not a problem, but gets old. I noticed he hasn't drank anything for over a week, since the night of the blow up. H always says I think everyone is an alcoholic if they drink everyday. Even if they only have 3 beers? Im sensitive I guess from growing up, and watching my kids!
> I want to leave for some peace for myself. I think? But then wonder....cause it wont be peaceful being out of my comfort zone. And it gets old hearing from H that he should have left a long time ago, and that any other person would have never stuck around. Wow that sucks just writing it!! Everytime he gets upset I hear it....everytime.... And I think that maybe some of the anger will go away. I feel full of it whenever Im around him.



I totally understand about the drinking. I look at people who drink every day as those with potential problems (future). I suppose it was my step-dad's influences on me, as he was a huge alcoholic when he married my mom. I was in high school. 

During our relationship issues the past year, my h has picked up on his drinking. It's more of a crutch than anything to cover up his feeling (or numb them).

So, do you want to save the marriage?


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## carilynn (Aug 19, 2009)

Right now I just dont know. All I know is that I have a lot of anger and resentment right now. So in trying to take one step at a time, I thought leave for a month (a month seems to be the magical amount of time) and then maybe look into counseling. I have heard from co worker that H will go out and meet someone 20 yrs younger. I said hes not like that. But she said doesnt matter. Anyways, cant stay here and go crazy with anger? Thought a break would be good.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

A break or separation may be what you need. I am currently separated with my H. See my Love Must Be Tough thread.

During a mutual separation you can set boundaries that you both agree upon. One of ours is to not date others. 

I would consider counseling now...either individual or couples. It may help yo sort your feeling out.


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## carilynn (Aug 19, 2009)

I have been going back and forth for over a week to leave or not leave... I went to my therapist today. I explained how half wants to go, and half wants to stay. Therapist asked what is each half saying? Then have each half tell other half why leaving or not leaving. Outcome was very helpful. Actually said a 1 month "retreat" would be very beneficial for me. I was very surprised! It was as if I needed someone to tell me GO. She said she was not going to be that person. Also said instead of looking for room to rent, look into extended hotel. Ramada? Something like that? Said to think of it as a "retreat", a time to have quiet time, breathe, and time to ask and write down, where do I want to be in 5 years. I haven't been to therapist for almost 2 months, and so glad I called. Thanks to being on here that I read and wanted to go. 
Thank you


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

So glad you went! Sometimes just saying things out loud with someone to guide you helps to sort your feelings out! 

Breathing room...will be helpful. 

You are welcome. Keep us updated....


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