# After her affair, sex is lacking. Feeling defeated....



## troopertk421 (Jan 22, 2014)

First off this is my first post, so if I’ve said something similar to someone else, I apologize.

First lets do a back story.

My wife and I met young and dated exclusively for 5 years before getting married. She was 16, I was 17 when we first met. Intercourse wasn’t something we experienced until we were both 18 years old. However oral sex, and typical groping was a common occurrence starting about 2 months into the relationship. Once intercourse was “introduced” it was a 2-3 time a week occurrence for us, however a year or so before marriage she went on an anti-depressant for anxiety. So that killed her drive and it ended up sex was 1-2 times a month. After we married it picked up, then we got pregnant and had our daughter 2 years into our marriage. A year after she was born my wife started back to school and was highly involved in year round classes for 2 ½ years. Sex was non-existent during this time because she was always “exhausted” or “just not in the mood.” I usually was the instigator, but after being rejected many times I finally just gave up. When we did have sex it felt like she was just treating it as a chore, because it was always treated as a “hurry up” or “quickie” situation. Very few times did we engage in foreplay or oral sex. The times that we did, it was out of this world. We rarely went on dates either. Maybe two max a year.

So finally school ends and she lands a job in her desired field. However it was a night job, so seeing each other was limited. She expressed her desire to have another child after starting her career, and sex ramped up to close to once a week. Not enough in my opinion to have a child, but I wasn’t being choosy. I was having sex, good sex too, so I thought things were back on the rise. We both started working out together, spending more time alone, etc. It was great and I thought our marriage was on the ups. However a few months went by and still we were not pregnant. I could see her frustration and disappointment, but I continued to encourage her that things would work out for us. Communication started to decline, we didn’t talk as much on the phone or text. We were fading, but I attributed to her lack of confidence that we would get pregnant again. 

Then it happened. May 10th was the worst day of my adult life. At this time it had been a month of not talking as much as we used too. We had taken a break from trying to get pregnant, and when we did have sex, I was using a condom. She came home from work later than usual because of a meeting she had after work. She sat down next to me and told me she had been cheating on me for about a month, but she had ended it that morning. She told me that it was only sex, and the only excitement she got from it was the “risk of being caught.” We had a very long talk that morning and she expressed her desire to want to be with me, however her decision to cheat was because she felt like she “loved me, but wasn’t in love with me.” Said sex was awkward because she felt like we were just best friends, not husband and wife. I realized that us not talking and spending time together was both of our faults because of stresses with her schooling and mine with work. She also explained that the OM was an older, married with kids, co-worker. She only worked with two during her short time where she was working, so I had an idea of who it was. Mainly because I knew the other guy was a gay man. She begged me not to contact him or his wife, because “he didn’t want her to find out.” 

The next morning she asked me to go to my mothers because she “needed space.” Thinking this might help to save my marriage is obliged and we told our young daughter together. She was very upset, and that was a very difficult thing to do. So for a month, I stayed with friends, my mother, & in a hotel. I would stay in our house when my wife worked, but would not see her or speak to her for almost a month. During that month I was a wreck. I didn’t see any response from my wife that she wanted to reconcile so I thought divorce was the only option. Then one day I decided to make a call to OM’s wife. I called and told her what my wife had told her, I hated doing it, but I felt It was a step in saving my marriage. She called an even showed up at my wifes work and confronted her. Made things very stressful for a couple weeks, but eventually OM quit his job, and surprisingly my wife was allowed to keep her job, because she was honest with her boss. For months my wife would search for her, him, and other members of his family on facebook. Why, I am not entirely sure about that, however I saw multiple times in her “history” of her viewing photos of him. This lasted well into November. I was bothered by it, but after her finally admitting it was more than a PA, I took it as her “fog” period. I also found notes to herself on her ipad diary (yes I figured out the password) expressing her desire “to let him go, so she can move on with her marriage.” Also at that time I found a “fake” facebook account she was using to monitor him and his wife. She would later admit that she was looking at their profiles because she made threats to my wife on facebook and to other people at her job. She however did not admit to me she had a fake account. I also saw a message from her to his wife telling her about the affair. It was written as a “friend” of me informing her of the affair. The message was never replied too. 

After that, I had moved back into the house, but still slept on the couch. My wife would retreat to our bedroom and browse facebook, masturbate, and sulk in her anger with herself. We didn’t talk about anything other than our daughter. No future talk, no talk about the affair, no “day to day” talk. Then one day in July she came to me and said she was truly sorry and wanted to go on a date together. It was an awkward date, but we talked about her fears and doubts about making this work. It wasn’t until after our 10 year anniversary we started sleeping in the same room again. That weekend we had a date, but after dropping off our child with her parents, we went back home and had a night full of sex. I mean the type of nights where your so sore and exhausted you pass out nude on the bed, but wake up 2 hours later just to do it all over again. It was a great weekend and sex was ramping up to a point back to our pre-marriage days. Then about a month later she dropped the line “I am distant from you, because I feel like all you want is sex.” So down went the “frequency” again. We had a talk that evening and we both agreed on a number of things. That it was important for us to have a healthy sex life, but she was okay with once a week. I said I was happier with 2-3 times a week, but was willing to compromise. Our communication also grew from that point on and we got back to talking on the phone, and texting more often. Actually more than we had done in a long time. 


So now here we are in the middle of January. Sex has stayed consistent with once a week. There have been a few weeks were that number has gone up, but it has also had cases of no sex for weeks. We have decided to try for another child once again, but I feel like she is only using me as a sperm donor sometimes. Foreplay/Long Sex Sessions are once or twice a month, so most of our sex is “quickies.” She has expressed that she doesn’t have that much desire for sex and feels it isn’t the only thing that is important. I agree, but I have also expressed that it is important to me, and that if we go more than a week without physical contact it is damaging to me. In some ways I guess I feel that way because she admitted everytime she saw the OM, it was a given they would have sex. Unless she was on her period, but since they are in charge of scheduling their hours, they worked around that time of the month. Although their PA only lasted a month, so I’m sure that never came into play. I feel if she was that open to doing that with him and it was a “given”, why cant she feel that way with me? Also I know she masturbates often, almost daily. Upon checking her Facebook, email, and phone records on a weekly basis, I cannot help but check to see if she has “played” with her toy on a daily basis. I hate that I do that, but I do, and am curious. Nothing has presented itself to me that her affair is ongoing. Our relationship outside of sex is great. She isn’t as affectionate as she once was, but I figure that side will return once again. Maybe after she is fully over her anger with herself. 

It eats me to the core to know she masturbates often, but our sex is at once a week. It screams to me that she is “into it”, but that she doesn’t want to make it a priority to fulfil my needs. I try different approaches to instigate sex (texting, touching, talking), but she expresses that she “just wants it to happen, and hates talking about it.” I also express that we should be more active if we want to give ourselves a better chance at having another child. She thinks that once or twice a week is enough to make that happen, but has been disappointed the past few months when her period comes around. I try different techniques even when its just a quickie to help her orgasm too, but she says it isn’t that important to her most of the time. When we do have longer sessions (im not going to brag either, but I am able to last longer than 2 minutes too), it is amazing, she is extremely aroused and I know she orgasms. I’m not going to go into details, but I know when it’s the real thing. 

She has however admitted that when at work they talk about it often, and talks about sex on a regular basis with her gay co-worker. A co-worker I suspect is very attracted to her. One of those reasons I suspect that is because she has asked me, and my wife (at different points in time) if she could possibly be someone we could include into a threesome someday. My wife is adamant that she isn’t “into women” and has “no desire” to be with a woman ever. However they always talk about sex, but is defiant that we never talk about sex. Only time we talk about sex is after sex. 

So I’m afraid that sex isn’t ever going to ramp up to more than we have now. I admit our schedules get in the way most of the time, and she works long hours, but my desire to have more intimate encounters and more frequency seems to be the least of her worries. Maybe I’m coming off as an ass in this “beggars cant be choosers” situation, but I feel this affair has affected her in more ways than one. What I mean is, maybe she feels like what she did with him. In the case of “if I have sex with him all the time, I can keep him around” type of thoughts. Am I looking at all of this too wrong? Is it possible she just is happy with physical contact once a week? Would she be feeling afraid that she might come off as a “****” if she had sex more often with me? 

I’m confused, frustrated, and depressed because of all of this. Please tell me I’m over reacting.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I actually think you are under reacting. You need expert help in getting your through a reconciliation after an affair. It sound to me like you are rug sweeping, you haven't fully reconnected otherwise she would have more desire for you...right?

I suggest you PM a mod and have this moved to either the Reconciliation or the Coping with Infidelity section.

My only suggestion, put the second child hope on hold until your marriage is exactly where you want it to be. Until you feel her desire is 100% directed toward you.


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

I'm new here, so please take my note for what it's worth. In my opinion, you've already gone above and beyond the call of duty in staying with your wife and trying to put your relationship back together. I cannot imagine the hell you've been through and I know for a fact I could not be where you are now - I would have broken off the relationship after she admitted to the affair. I dearly love my wife and we are having troubles right now as well, but I couldn't handle that. 

If you've made the choice to stick with her and you're back to a semi-normal relationship, I applaud your efforts thus far and you're a braver man than I. As to your inquiry about the frequency of sex, I think many of us here would be thrilled with once-a-week, or even a couple of times each month. 

As for your suspicions about your wife with her co-worker, I wouldn't get too upset about that, I think every woman out there has entertained that idea - whether they will admit to it or not. Society has made that a "cool" thing these days, which has made even the most traditional of ladies think about a girl/girl encounter quite differently. Again, I think many of us would be thrilled if our wives wanted to bring another lady home to join in the fun so long as we were included in the deal somehow, but, everyone's wired up differently. That is a matter you'll have to talk with her about and let her know it bothers you, and about her masturbation bothering you. Honestly, I wouldn't have a problem with that either, at least it would show my wife had a functioning libido, which is rather in doubt in my personal case. 

As for simply wanting sex more often and wanting to make it more of a priority, I don't think many men don't feel that way unless they've married a monogamous nymphomaniac. You may feel defeated and frustrated, but I cannot imagine that this feeling doesn't still have its roots in her having had the affair and leftover mistrust that's making you look at every aspect of her actions with a bit of extra suspicion. 

Good luck and hope you guys can work this out.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Instead of trying to have a child thinking it will make things better.

You shoujld be telling her is given the current state of your marriage you refuse to try to have a child.

Your thought process should be to show her how serious this all is to you, it can make things better.

Trying for a child is you telling her everythign is just great the way it is.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Why aren't you at your post? Do you copy? Must be a bad transmitter...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Instead of trying to have a child thinking it will make things better.
> 
> You shoujld be telling her is given the current state of your marriage you refuse to try to have a child.
> 
> ...


You literally have to reverse and overcome EVERY SINGLE bullet point that has you in this defeated position.

It's a lot of work, and pointless if the WAS has no remorse or is still slick and slippery where they won't take their hits.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

No remorse, rug sweeping, no exposure, no consequences, likely a continuing underground affair....this post has it all. Congratulations. When you're ready to man up, let us know and we'll point you in the right direction. In the mean time, here's a hint....fixing this is going to be hard and involve risk and doing things you don't want to do.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

troopertk421 said:


> It eats me to the core to know she masturbates often, but our sex is at once a week. It screams to me that she is “into it”, but that *she doesn’t want to make it a priority to fulfil my needs*. I try different approaches to instigate sex (texting, touching, talking), but she expresses that she “just wants it to happen, and hates talking about it.” I also express that we should be more active if we want to give ourselves a better chance at having another child. She thinks that once or twice a week is enough to make that happen, but has been disappointed the past few months when her period comes around. I try different techniques even when its just a quickie to help her orgasm too, but she says it isn’t that important to her most of the time. When we do have longer sessions (im not going to brag either, but I am able to last longer than 2 minutes too), it is amazing, she is extremely aroused and I know she orgasms. I’m not going to go into details, but I know when it’s the real thing.


If she said this to you, I would take her at her word. You can't force someone to meet the needs you cannot meet yourself. I am not saying you need to be rigid & uncompromising, but your needs should be fairly high on your partner's priority list. You get to decide if being emotionally starved is a dealbreaker.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Why aren't you at your post? Do you copy? Must be a bad transmitter...


Yeah, I liked the username, too.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> No remorse, rug sweeping, no exposure, no consequences, likely a continuing underground affair....this post has it all. Congratulations. When you're ready to man up, let us know and we'll point you in the right direction. In the mean time, here's a hint....fixing this is going to be hard and involve risk and doing things you don't want to do.


Man up piece by piece, bit by bit and you will be better for you. You may just not be able to fix this thing, but you can come out of it much better than you went in.


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## troopertk421 (Jan 22, 2014)

I realize I need to man up, and its a long road. 

I see a lot more positives in our relationship than there was before the affair, however there are hang ups too.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

troopertk421 said:


> I realize I need to man up, and its a long road.
> 
> I see a lot more positives in our relationship than there was before the affair, however there are hang ups too.


Your in a hard position, even if she had a "come to jesus" level of fear that sent her home. These cheaters build up years of slickness, and it just won't let them have any pain or true remorse for their actions. It's no cost to them.

I hope you are able to do well in the situation.

But right now, you may as well enjoy being a man and improve some things about yourself that you want.

I'm going to read my MMSL and Alphatize myself a bit more in this light.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Well maybe nice guys do finish last in some cases.

Her behavior in unacceptable. She is basically telling you that you are hubby material and not lover material. Probably because she has already been there and done that and she likes the excitement of the new relationship. Once that is done it is simply dull sex. Nothing good will come out of that. Either you find a way to keep her excited or look forward to it going down hill from here. 

It is not you. The OM would have been in for the same treat.


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## Better Days (Oct 27, 2013)

I would be negative right now on getting her pg until things get straightened out. She is using you and another child - then divorce will cost you that much more in support. If your in a no fault state it usually turns out that the woman gets the upper hand in the divorces. She isn't sexually satisfied with you anyway if she masterbates a lot. Either she isn't getting satisfied or she is still thinking of the OM. Not trying to pick up you - just hope you see the facts.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> Well maybe nice guys do finish last in some cases.
> 
> Her behavior in unacceptable. She is basically telling you that you are hubby material and not lover material. Probably because she has already been there and done that and she likes the excitement of the new relationship. Once that is done it is simply dull sex. Nothing good will come out of that. Either you find a way to keep her excited or look forward to it going down hill from here.
> 
> It is not you. The OM would have been in for the same treat.


It's not true. Nice guys finish last when they are accomidating people who don't appreciate them.

They finish first when their with a nice woman who appreciates them and their worth and value increases based on their interaction.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

troopertk421 said:


> I realize I need to man up, and its a long road.


Read up on affairs. Surviving an Affair is a good start. Check in the coping with infidelity forum on ideas and information that can help you heal.



> I see a lot more positives in our relationship than there was before the affair, however there are hang ups too.


You do? Cause I don't, though I suspect that the affair started a lot sooner (at least emotionally) than she told you.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

OP, you say you think you have a daughter with this woman? Get a paternity test and get checked for social diseases.
Your marriage is one that is purely for convenience.
HERS.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your wife treats you poorly. Clearly she is using sex to manipulate you and you accept this. 

Negotiating a certain level of sex makes so that you have just enough to survive is not living but survival.

Your wife's masturbation must require some fantasy fuel. The men she dreams about are not you, they don't have your name, face or anything. She dreams about other men, perhaps even the POSOM.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

troopertk421 said:


> I realize I need to man up, and its a long road.
> 
> I see a lot more positives in our relationship than there was before the affair, however there are hang ups too.


Trooper
I have never told anyone they need to "man up" .....because for all I know the guy on the other end is twice the man I am, regardless of how much his wife has cheated.

Now, having said that, I do think it is often best to simply cut through the bulls#t and rattle a person's cage. So....You are married to a who*re. Do not reproduce with her further. Make a plan and GET OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE. this will allow you the chance to meet and marry a much better human being in the future. And I think most of the women you will encounter are better than her, frankly. 
Don't worry any more about a sex life with her. Because When you start truly seeing her clearly, the sight of her should nauseate you.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Trooper has it dawned on you that you are doing all the compromising and heavy lifting? 

Something is very wrong here.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"I have never told anyone they need to "man up" .....because for all I know the guy on the other end is twice the man I am, regardless of how much his wife has cheated."

Oh, I thought that was just an expression that means "tough-in up, be stronger, take charge of the situation, etc.."

I did not realize anyone took it as not being masculine.


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## Luvmedamost (Jan 30, 2014)

I just had to respond as a woman my sister in law and bil were living in my home when she decided to cheat and admit she was lying about other various things in the marriage. She lied said she was sorry and continued to cheat with the same person. He basically had to drag it out of her because she was a ...is a compulsive liar. I watched it wreck them, her selfishness that is. Less then a year after it happened he found out about the continuing affair. This isn't the first sister in law to cheat and divorce its the second in the last few years and it was the same thing he found out then they tried to make it work and he found out it didn't end.

When she cheated she made a choice, herself over her marriage and your trust. And you are right to feel neglected she's choosing herself over you again. Now it's your turn to choose happiness wether its with her, or not.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

She chose (or you both chose) her schooling and career over your marriage. That's when the trouble started, not after the affair. You can't have a good marriage if you never spend quality time together. Once she stopped spending time with you, she grew emotionally distant from you. Then when she started working with that other guy, she was spending lots of time with him. 

Does she earn more than you? Is her level of education higher than yours? Either of those are indicators of less marital satisfaction. She doesn't respect you and that could be part of the reason. Not nearly the whole reason, though. 

She's called all of the shots in your marriage. How is that working out for you? Start calmly taking charge, bit by bit.

I'd start with the 180.


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## Knobbers (Sep 25, 2013)

I'm very sorry you are here, and I'm not really in a position to give you advice on the cheating, but I've been married 15 years and with my wife for 20 (since senior year of high school) and we have sex 6 times a week minimum. Therefore, I think I can add some things that might help you.

My wife has a pretty decent sex drive, nothing like mine, but compared to other women I know. She has never once masturbated without me, even when I've asked her to lol, let alone when I was in the same house with her. She always says that I'm what turns her on, and she would rather save that pent up sexual energy to share with me, as opposed to fantasizing about me. In your case, I'm afraid you are not what turns your wife on most days she masturbates, especially if she is doing it in secret without you, and not having sex with you. Is that someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? I'm not judging, just asking.

I'm afraid your wife might never come around to what you want her to be, or leave the "fog". It seems like for quite a long time she has been selfish in her sexual ways, long before she admitted the affair she had. The affair was a byproduct of her selfishness and lack of caring for you, her husband and best friend. She wants sex once a week, you want it 2 to 3 so you guys do it once a week or less and you call that a compromise? Seems to me that she got her way, and you didn't get yours at all, even while trying to procreate. That's ridiculous to me, many women I know who normally are LD have admitted to screwing like bunnies while trying to get pregnant, even the selfish ones. Also, having 3 kids myself, I find it hard to believe she has the audacity to be disappointed when her period comes after only doing it once during her ovulation period. I've heard two schools of thought on that topic, one is you do it every other day around that time and the other is you do it every day. Even then, it's possible it could take a few months to achieve the miracle of pregnancy. 

Even if the cheating never happened, if you were my brother and asked my advice, I would tell you to run from this woman. It seems to me it has always been about her goals and career, and rarely about your needs. My wife is a stay at home mom of three young kids, without question the most tiring job in the world. On call 24/7, 365 days a year with no vacation and one date per year if we are lucky. Our youngest has had some issues in the last few months, and hasn't slept past 5am since and most days is up by 4:30. I help out a lot, but she has to deal with 90 percent of the household stuff due to my schedule during the week. She won't allow me to wake up early with the youngest, she feels that is her responsibility. With all that being said, this woman has never turned me down when I've wanted sex and even initiates almost half the time, even if its late at night. I will admit I'm the luckiest guy in the world, but don't you think your wife should at least compromise to twice a week if she really cared about your wants and needs or was really into you?

I don't deserve such an amazing woman in my life, but from the sounds of your situation you deserve a 100% better wife than you're getting. Not a minute of the day goes by where I don't feel loved and appreciated by the woman of my dreams, when is the last time you felt that for one minute of the day? 

I'm not saying every woman should be like my wife, but don't you think everyone deserves something in between? Please reevaluate your situation, you deserve much better than you are getting and that's not even including the cheating. That is a whole 'nother issue for me to write about, and I don't have any experience in it. I will say that from some of the amazing people sharing info on this site, you handled and continue to handle that situation all wrong. She has done zero heavy lifting to show you how sorry she is, which gets back to her selfish entitled behavior.

Best of luck bud, I really hope this works out in your favor. For your childs sake and yours. I will keep you in my thoughts.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't think your wife loves you. She told you as much. When women say they don't love you, just believe them. It's not fog. It's not anger or frustration. It's just nothing left in them for you.

I truly am sorry. I read your story and I freakin almost cried. I hate reading this stuff.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your marriage sucked BEFORE the affair, she gave you an out by cheating on you. Take it. Get out of this pretend marriage and find your bliss.


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