# Separate, but not equal



## last to know (Jul 27, 2013)

I am reaching out for advice on how to cope with separating, and possibly even divorcing, from my wife. We have been together for 12 years and married for 3 of that. I have spent my entire adult life with this person and I am having a very hard time accepting the reality of the situation I am in.

Throughout our relationship, I have had violent outbursts brought on by being angered in the course of argument. I don't behave this way with any other person. The outbursts result in broken household objects, holes in walls and what can be considered as assaultive behavior or physical abuse. To better describe the abuse, it consists of grabbing her when she tries to walk away, shoving, yelling, threatening of self harm. I haven't ever beaten her, but I have physically and psychologically harmed her with the behavior described above.

Each time I do something like that, she forgives me and I promise to never do that again. I believe what I say and she believes it, too. The time before last, she told me she would leave if it ever happened again. I was more than willing to accept that because I wanted to put the incident behind us, thinking I had learned from this and would be more mindful of my actions from there on. This wasn't the case.

We have had a very rough past two years with a lot of changes in our lives. Degrees obtained, career changes, loss of pregnancy, loss of family, having a child. It has all been very stressful for both of us and as a result our relationship has been strained. We argue a lot now, and in the course of argument she will say something I take as very hurtful or mean and I act out. She has admitted to being overly cruel in the course of argument and I have admitted that that is a trigger for my violent outbursts. I know it isn't her fault. She doesn't MAKE me do this. She should be able to say whatever she feels like she needs to say without me becoming violent.

I have never wanted to admit to myself or anyone else that I have this pattern of behavior. Until recently, I have deluded myself into viewing every incident as a one time thing to never be repeated. I'm just now stringing them together and seeing that I have a serious problem. At this point, my wife and I are living separately and she desires no contact from me unless it regards our 10 month old daughter. She wants me completely removed from her psyche while she decides how to proceed with her life, which I understand. I have been accused of doing what I want and being controlling. I'm trying to see that as the truth from her perspective and not let it upset me like those accusations used to. My natural response to conflict is immediate resolution, which has worked only temporarily. I am trying my best to give her a wide berth in the hopes that I can salvage anything that is left of our marriage, but I don't know how to do it.

I want to be able to communicate with her and let her know I am getting the help I've needed for a long time, that I am now facing that which I have denied and that I will do whatever it takes. I want to raise our child under the same roof in a happy and successful marriage. I realize that may not be possible now and I am seeking advice from anyone else who has had similar experiences. I need some advice from anyone who has had similar experiences on how I can remain separated from her and how I can back myself down from my impulse to inject myself into her thoughts, even if my intentions are good.

I'm trying not to be afraid of judgment for my shameful behavior because that is what has kept me from addressing this for so long.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Are you in counseling?


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## last to know (Jul 27, 2013)

I am now. We started marriage counseling earlier this year but quit going when became stable again. We recently started seeing the same therapist again, but individually. I reached out to my EAP through work and have since had two very helpful telephonic sessions. I am starting with a new counselor on Monday that my EAP helped me find.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You have counseling over the phone? Any way to get into a session in person?

You are going to have to get back to why it is that you have so much anger and why you express it the way you do. She has every right to leave you for the behaviors you have exhibited. You've thrown violent scary tantrums in her presence for years. THank God she has the courage to walk away from you. She has possibly done you a huge favor to the extent that you get your sh!t together because of it.

As men, we usually learn, implicitly and explicitly, that we are not show our emotions. Fathers tell boys not to cry (I'll give you something to cry about) and when we do we are hit, which teaches us that anger is the manly emotion and violence is the appropriate means of expressing extreme upset. /so we cover up our hurt and other feelings with anger and don't even know how to feel other emotions mostly we get so used to tamping it down.

All that is a big pile of sh!t that we are born into and seem to swim in till somebody hopefully shows us how much we are hurting ourselves.

You have not just hurt her, you are hurting yourself. All that anger, all that violent outburst is beating yourself up too. Do you love yourself? How do you know you do or not? Do you see yourself as a bad person, or having a "bad side" that needs tamped down or controlled? Counseling should help with all this....


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## last to know (Jul 27, 2013)

Arendt said:


> You have not just hurt her, you are hurting yourself. All that anger, all that violent outburst is beating yourself up too. Do you love yourself? How do you know you do or not? Do you see yourself as a bad person, or having a "bad side" that needs tamped down or controlled? Counseling should help with all this....


I haven't had any face to face sessions yet to begin exploring the issue, but having had time to examine myself has given me some insight. I know it hurts everyone involved. I immediately regret my outbursts and use the skills I currently have to recover. I then distance myself from the incident with the notion I have learned from my mistake. I haven't ever once felt justified in exhibiting that behavior. I'll beat myself up quietly for a while until things calm down and then I feel as though I have moved on. The quiet part above I think is at the heart of the issue. This awful shift in my life has made me ready to talk about it.

There are parts of me that I do love. I value myself in that I am capable, competent, trustworthy, reliable. I can accomplish almost anything I try to do that is external to my self. I do see myself as having a bad/dark side that needs to be explored to better understand my impulse. Where I am living right now has been an interesting venue to begin shedding light on it. I'm back in the house I grew up in... a house that time forgot. Nothing has changed here, for better or for worse. I'm realizing more clearly that I grew up stuffing ideas and feelings I didn't like down only to have them come out sideways. I have been told in the past that I escape through denial, and now I'm seeing the truth in that.

What I was missing before is staying honest with myself. I have tried and failed to handle this on my own too many times. I used to look down my nose at people who sought therapy because of my own bad experiences when I was a child. My counseling was used as a weapon during my parents' divorce and that left me thinking it could never be of any use to me. I regret that now. I've tried harder to be comfortable with things I hate about myself than I have to work through them or lay them to rest.

I'm starting now. Wish me luck.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Good luck brother. I'm in the same type of counseling, so I know what you've done, as do others here.

If you aren't working with an anger management specialist for IC, I recommend that.

Even better would be an anger management group. You can hear other stories and relate and tell yours and get advice on how to work on your reactions.

You did a great job owning your behavior, now you need to work on how you can control and deescalate that punishing anger. 

Anger is a natural human emotion that we all experience, but the punishing anger that you're punishing your wife with is the result of something in your past. You learned to punish with anger. You can control it, you just need to learn how. 

Work on this for you. It might be possible to salvage your marriage, but either way, you need to get it under control for you, your child and future relationships.

I use positive self talk (constantly, about anything that annoys me) and deescalation strategies to back away from punishing anger. When you get an anger management IC, they will be able to help you.

If you don't have ready access to those resources, this is a website for my IC and there is info on there for you. If you can't get to anger management IC is your town, I recommend ordering his workbook and working thru it. Do all the written exercises, journal your anger and work on it.

http://www.angeresources.com/index.html 

When the time is right, share your actions with your wife and be prepared for her reaction.

Again, best of luck.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If you're motivation to address your problem is solely to win your wife back, I'm afraid you're destined for failure. What you must do now is confront and accept the fact that there is a good possibility that the marriage will never recover. Work to improve yourself for you and your child. It needs to be done before you do something much worse than you already have.

It is possible that if she sees true progress and improvement her feelings will change, but I'm betting not. From what I've seen, by the time an abused woman gets to the point where she finally gets the strength to stand up for herself, she ain't going back. 

If you're sincere in your desire to improve and get your anger under control, I wish you luck. If this is just to get your wife back, do everyone involved (including the child) a big favor and just let her go.


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## last to know (Jul 27, 2013)

angstire said:


> If you don't have ready access to those resources, this is a website for my IC and there is info on there for you. If you can't get to anger management IC is your town, I recommend ordering his workbook and working thru it. Do all the written exercises, journal your anger and work on it.
> 
> ANGEResources: Introduction


Thank you for this resource.


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## last to know (Jul 27, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> If you're sincere in your desire to improve and get your anger under control, I wish you luck. If this is just to get your wife back, do everyone involved (including the child) a big favor and just let her go.


I need to do this for myself. While I do recognize this as an avenue that could theoretically bring my family back together, I have to do this for me first. I have/had it all: a devoted wife, a happy and healthy baby, the best dog I've ever had, a great job, a stable home life. I have to ensure that my future self doesn't destroy anything like that again through anger.


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