# Long Term Couples Who Explicitly Trust Each Other



## pLaTesPinNeR

Just for information sake, for my own curiosity. For context, I’m separated from STBXH. In a conversation with friends today a debate about trust and cell phones came up. I’m interested to hear from successfully, happily married people on their openness with your spouse in terms of your smart phones. I think my situation may have clouded my opinion. 

My spouse was EXTREMELY guarded with his phone for the last five years of our marriage. He also hid all passwords, and regularly changed his passcodes. He kept his “find my iPhone” app off at all times and actually permanently lost a few iPhones because of this. 

During the height of my insecurity regarding us I asked him about this. His position was that he deserved his own privacy and that I just owe him trust since he’d never cheated. To this day I have no idea if he did cheat, but he certainly had many opportunities to do so (he would literally disappear for 2-4 days over a weekend 3 or 4 times per year while I was home with the kids). 

He never let me lay a hand on his phone even once. He is also a gaming addict, playing RPGs literally 20 hours per day, which I’ve heard is often a source of online cheating. He has the games running all day on his phone and checks in every 20-30 mins on them, stays up till 2-3am daily playing. 

Just weeks ago I found out he was tracking me through my phone and having reports sent to his phone of all of my app time usage, and we’ve been separated since the fall. During our marriage he always knew my passcode. He used my phone regularly. He’d say “can I use your phone to take a picture of the kids?” And I thought nothing of it, but a few times he’d end up in my social media accounts and things. I had nothing to hide so I didn’t care. Until I started noticing inequality when it came to his phone. 

All this to say, I feel like openness with smart phones will be a hard boundary for me in any future relationship, but is that forcing my exHs faults onto someone new? Are there couples out there who keep all of this private from one another and are totally comfortable with it and it works fine for them? 

Also - I am not in, close to being in, or seeking any new relationship. Just learning about myself. Processing.


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## Faithful Wife

I think it would be a red flag for anyone if their spouse was as guarded with their phone as your ex was. It just can’t mean anything good. So going forward in any new relationship I would say that if your new guy is normal, he won’t do that and therefore you won’t feel suspicious of anything.


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## Mr.Married

Howdy Platespinner: (sounds like an interesting hobby)

For us there is and never has been any type of "phone privacy". The issue has never really been discussed as our interactions with each others phones is a natural flowing event. 

The key factor is when one partner purposefully hides information (phone or otherwise) from the other.

Privacy is closing the door to the toilet, secrecy is hiding info on your phone. Big difference.

Phone content: I am man and I do man stuff. My buddies are the same way. My phone contains dirty jokes, politically incorrect material, porn, and a host of other stuff. My wife can 
have my phone for a look any time she she likes. Hiding that from her would be secrecy.....hiding it from my kids is privacy. See the difference?

As can be seen on this forum many countless times: A partner hiding phone info or being glued to the phone all the time has NEVER NEVER NEVER ended in any explanation except
cheating....to some degree.

It all falls back into the trust category. If your partner gives you any reason not to trust them...it's a bad sign.

For my wife and I ..... pure blatant in your face honesty is the only way. Even if it is something we might not be proud of...we are still honest about it. I can't think of anything 
I ever with-held from my wife and I like it that way. I am who I am ...she is who she is....no secrecy or "false privacy" required.


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## aine

pLaTesPinNeR said:


> Just for information sake, for my own curiosity. For context, I’m separated from STBXH. In a conversation with friends today a debate about trust and cell phones came up. I’m interested to hear from successfully, happily married people on their openness with your spouse in terms of your smart phones. I think my situation may have clouded my opinion.
> 
> My spouse was EXTREMELY guarded with his phone for the last five years of our marriage. He also hid all passwords, and regularly changed his passcodes. He kept his “find my iPhone” app off at all times and actually permanently lost a few iPhones because of this.
> 
> During the height of my insecurity regarding us I asked him about this. His position was that he deserved his own privacy and that I just owe him trust since he’d never cheated. To this day I have no idea if he did cheat, but he certainly had many opportunities to do so (he would literally disappear for 2-4 days over a weekend 3 or 4 times per year while I was home with the kids).
> 
> He never let me lay a hand on his phone even once. He is also a gaming addict, playing RPGs literally 20 hours per day, which I’ve heard is often a source of online cheating. He has the games running all day on his phone and checks in every 20-30 mins on them, stays up till 2-3am daily playing.
> 
> Just weeks ago I found out he was tracking me through my phone and having reports sent to his phone of all of my app time usage, and we’ve been separated since the fall. During our marriage he always knew my passcode. He used my phone regularly. He’d say “can I use your phone to take a picture of the kids?” And I thought nothing of it, but a few times he’d end up in my social media accounts and things. I had nothing to hide so I didn’t care. Until I started noticing inequality when it came to his phone.
> 
> All this to say, I feel like openness with smart phones will be a hard boundary for me in any future relationship, but is that forcing my exHs faults onto someone new? Are there couples out there who keep all of this private from one another and are totally comfortable with it and it works fine for them?
> 
> Also - I am not in, close to being in, or seeking any new relationship. Just learning about myself. Processing.



Talk about double standards.

I hope he no longer can track or have access to your phone, better still buy another one.

The red flags are everywhere on this, why would he be so protective if he had nothing to hide.
You are separated now, so stop caring, let him and the past go.

Start dating other guys, get him out of your system.

In my marriage, neither of us check phones, social media etc. My H is not a social media buff but is on Linkedin etc. and spends time reading through articles etc.

He doesn't know my passwords and I don't know his. That is the way it has always been. 
I don't trust my H anyway, haven't for a long time on so many levels, he destroyed whatever trust there was and has not really built it up. So checking his phone or otherwise is not my concern, I might be sad and hurt if he cheated now, but it might also be a relief particularly if he decided to go off with whomever.

Right now I'm done with caring tbh. It is time to focus on me.


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## sokillme

pLaTesPinNeR said:


> Just for information sake, for my own curiosity. For context, I’m separated from STBXH. In a conversation with friends today a debate about trust and cell phones came up. I’m interested to hear from successfully, happily married people on their openness with your spouse in terms of your smart phones. I think my situation may have clouded my opinion.
> 
> My spouse was EXTREMELY guarded with his phone for the last five years of our marriage. He also hid all passwords, and regularly changed his passcodes. He kept his “find my iPhone” app off at all times and actually permanently lost a few iPhones because of this.
> 
> During the height of my insecurity regarding us I asked him about this. His position was that he deserved his own privacy and that I just owe him trust since he’d never cheated. To this day I have no idea if he did cheat, but he certainly had many opportunities to do so (he would literally disappear for 2-4 days over a weekend 3 or 4 times per year while I was home with the kids).
> 
> He never let me lay a hand on his phone even once. He is also a gaming addict, playing RPGs literally 20 hours per day, which I’ve heard is often a source of online cheating. He has the games running all day on his phone and checks in every 20-30 mins on them, stays up till 2-3am daily playing.
> 
> Just weeks ago I found out he was tracking me through my phone and having reports sent to his phone of all of my app time usage, and we’ve been separated since the fall. During our marriage he always knew my passcode. He used my phone regularly. He’d say “can I use your phone to take a picture of the kids?” And I thought nothing of it, but a few times he’d end up in my social media accounts and things. I had nothing to hide so I didn’t care. Until I started noticing inequality when it came to his phone.
> 
> All this to say, I feel like openness with smart phones will be a hard boundary for me in any future relationship, but is that forcing my exHs faults onto someone new? Are there couples out there who keep all of this private from one another and are totally comfortable with it and it works fine for them?
> 
> Also - I am not in, close to being in, or seeking any new relationship. Just learning about myself. Processing.


My wife has all my passwords, we also know each others phone codes. I have nothing to hide.


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