# Drinking trouble



## Helplesshub (Jul 1, 2018)

Over past 2 years my wife of 23 years has a drinking issue, during her schooling she was drowning a pint of vodka a night passing out during and before supper, she finally graduated and is working in the medical field, did not realize but her drinking gotten worse one night when she got charged with DUI, we spent thousands of dollars to keep her out of jail, just recently our state attorney general wanted to put her on another 3 years of probation stating medical professionals are held to higher standards, so we had to hire another attorney to get that reduced to 1 year which again cost thousands, I've tried numerous times to get her to talk to me about her problem but like normal she states she doesn't have a drinking problem. Our sex life is none existing and I almost did the unthinkable and go home with another gal that showed interest one night at the bar when i went out with some friends. She is over weight and has a heart issue which shes on medication for and I keep stressing that I'm worried for her health. My question is: when is enough and when to call it quits?


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Helplesshub said:


> Over past 2 years my wife of 23 years has a drinking issue, during her schooling she was drowning a pint of vodka a night passing out during and before supper, she finally graduated and is working in the medical field, did not realize but her drinking gotten worse one night when she got charged with DUI, we spent thousands of dollars to keep her out of jail, just recently our state attorney general wanted to put her on another 3 years of probation stating medical professionals are held to higher standards, so we had to hire another attorney to get that reduced to 1 year which again cost thousands, I've tried numerous times to get her to talk to me about her problem but like normal she states she doesn't have a drinking problem. Our sex life is none existing and I almost did the unthinkable and go home with another gal that showed interest one night at the bar when i went out with some friends. She is over weight and has a heart issue which shes on medication for and I keep stressing that I'm worried for her health. My question is: when is enough and when to call it quits?



It would be interesting to see the results of a liver function test. Probably terrible.

Marriage is for sickness and health as they say.

But being a drunk isn't a sickness, in my opinion. It is a behavior. The behavior is caused by emotional problems. Or, more precisely, not being able to deal with unpleasant emotions.

One thing is for certain, they don't stop drinking until they want to. Typically when they hit bottom. If getting in severe legal trouble over a DUI isn't enough to change her ways; what would be?

A pint of vodka a night. Really?

Terrible situation to be in. Sorry you are stuck with it.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i am curious why the state(court) did not mandate her to attend AA as well as go into rehab...for that manner the medical board in many states require that she attend a rehab to address it...but concern is that you have been babying her rather than have her face her consequences full on. STOP bailing her out, i suspect you kept her from hitting rock bottom...made excuses for her....that is enough. If she needs to go to jail then send her to jail. I'm going to tell you right now you are an enabler, and that could get her or someone else killed...think about that.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'm going to state a different viewpoint. It is OK to call it quits for any time and for any reason in any relationship. That means that you don't take your relationship for granted and stay together because you want to be together and what you are getting from the relationship is worth the effort of maintaining it. Some people stay with an alcoholic because of hope or love, and others like the feeling they get by being able to say they were the committed partner. Her alcoholism can bankrupt you if she gets into a major accident so you have to decide if it's worth it. One thing to also know is even if she gives up alcohol she can be a dry alcoholic which is very difficult to live with. 

Have you made a list comparing pros vs cons of staying together yet?


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Helplesshub said:


> Over past 2 years my wife of 23 years has a drinking issue, during her schooling she was drowning a pint of vodka a night passing out during and before supper, she finally graduated and is working in the medical field, did not realize but her drinking gotten worse one night when she got charged with DUI, we spent thousands of dollars to keep her out of jail, just recently our state attorney general wanted to put her on another 3 years of probation stating medical professionals are held to higher standards, so we had to hire another attorney to get that reduced to 1 year which again cost thousands, I've tried numerous times to get her to talk to me about her problem but like normal she states she doesn't have a drinking problem. Our sex life is none existing and I almost did the unthinkable and go home with another gal that showed interest one night at the bar when i went out with some friends. She is over weight and has a heart issue which shes on medication for and I keep stressing that I'm worried for her health. *My question is: when is enough and when to call it quits?*


Sadly, NOW---will save you a lifetime of grief.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If she wont go to AA you go to Al Anon to learn how to let her go on with her life till she hits rock bottom. However, you must ensure that you are not co-dependent and learn how to handle this issue in your life. Once you are more capable of handling this, then you may be in much better position to make a clearer decision.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

I agree with others about you enabling her. "Codependent No More" would help a bunch I'm sure. Unfortunately only you can answer the question you have.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Since she never admits that's this is a problem... quit now.

It will get worse before it gets better if she doesn't get motivated to change.

People who don't have a drinking problem don't have attorneys fighting to get them off the hook.


No consequences = no reason to change.

But don't cheat! That doesn't solved her problem.

Divorce her first. Divorce her - and tell her since she's unwilling to admit AND change you know things won't change - so she's leftyou no option.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Well to be honest, it is sort of like the pot calling the kettle black that you still go out with friends to bars but expect her to stop drinking at the same time. Not judging you, but that is one element of your life that you need to change if you want to help her. If not, then do not expect to be too successful.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You posted about this 4 months ago... and didn't do anything about it back then. 

Your whole life will be ruined if you don't change things!

And when you change things - it will force her to change as well.

Let's say you divorce her if she doesn't go to rehab - and stay sober moving forward... she either goes or you divorce her.

Draw the line in the sand and stand firm.

She won't like it - but do you like living with an alcoholic?

They will take her license to work if she doesn't get help - and stay dry.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Ynot said:


> Well to be honest, it is sort of like the pot calling the kettle black that you still go out with friends to bars but expect her to stop drinking at the same time. Not judging you, but that is one element of your life that you need to change if you want to help her. If not, then do not expect to be too successful.


Wait - if HE isn't the one who has the drinking issue - this isn't true.

I haven't had a drink for nearly 11 years.

I would never say my family can't do what they want - they are NOT the alcoholic - I am the one that can't drink. They can do what they wish.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Beach123 said:


> Wait - if HE isn't the one who has the drinking issue - this isn't true.
> 
> I haven't had a drink for nearly 11 years.
> 
> I would never say my family can't do what they want - they are NOT the alcoholic - I am the one that can't drink. They can do what they wish.


Actually, It is absolutely true. But then you have this completely backwards. Obviously she can do whatever she wants, it is just that if he wants to help her then he needs to lead by example and take this temptation away from her. Kind of hard to tell someone to do as I say and not as I do.
My step mother had your same backasswards attitude. The doctors diagnosed my dad with cancer and told him to stop smoking. My step mother decided they didn't tell her to stop smoking so she kept smoking right in front of my dad, in the same room. Needless to say, the doctors orders did not get followed.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He can certainly do that - but if HE doesn't have a problem with alcohol - it's not his to do.

It's only on HER. It is HER responsibility. 

If she doesn't stay dry - that's also on her.

I am from a big family of drinkers... to expect any of them to not drink because I have a problem with it is absurd.

Codependency would indicate others don't drink. 

I'm not codependent - so I take full responsibility for MYSELF! I don't expect OTHERS to do it - just because I have to go without that drink.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Beach123 said:


> He can certainly do that - but if HE doesn't have a problem with alcohol - it's not his to do.
> 
> It's only on HER. It is HER responsibility.
> 
> ...


Dude in your case, you are/were the alcoholic. In the OP's case it is his SO that is the alcoholic. Two different scenarios, but you are attempting to apply your situation to the OPs. They are not the same. 

Without a doubt the choice is hers. If she doesn't want to change she is not going to. But if the OP wants to help her, then removing this temptation would be a first step. And if she does want to change, then removing this temptation might be a positive one as well. 
It is sort of hard to expect her to give up alcohol, if he comes home with it on his breath after going out with his buds.
It has nothing to do with co-dependence, it is about supporting someone you claim to love.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Ynot,

All I'm saying is HE can't do this for her.

It is only hers to do.

She either does it or she doesn't.

Sure, he can be supportive - but I'm saying it's not necessary for her to get well/stay well.


And if she won't take action to change - he should divorce her.


----------



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Save yourself...she will take you down


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Beach123 said:


> Ynot,
> 
> All I'm saying is HE can't do this for her.
> 
> ...


I agree he can't do it for her. It has to be her choice. But it would be very difficult to be supportive of her while he is still going out with his buds. I also agree if she doesn't take action he should protect himself by divorcing her.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

For me the “enough is enough” would have come with the DUI. I guess I have seen the fallout from way to many DUI related deaths. People that are that careless with others lives won’t be in mine. I would have left her in jail


----------



## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

Some very incorrect and opinionated statements about alcoholism by someone in this thread. Do some research.

To the OP...sadly, like others say. Get out now.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Helplesshub said:


> Over past 2 years my wife of 23 years has a drinking issue, during her schooling she was drowning a pint of vodka a night passing out during and before supper, she finally graduated and is working in the medical field, did not realize but her drinking gotten worse one night when she got charged with DUI, we spent thousands of dollars to keep her out of jail, just recently our state attorney general wanted to put her on another 3 years of probation stating medical professionals are held to higher standards, so we had to hire another attorney to get that reduced to 1 year which again cost thousands, I've tried numerous times to get her to talk to me about her problem but like normal she states she doesn't have a drinking problem. Our sex life is none existing and I almost did the unthinkable and go home with another gal that showed interest one night at the bar when i went out with some friends. She is over weight and has a heart issue which shes on medication for and I keep stressing that I'm worried for her health. My question is: when is enough and when to call it quits?


When, she said she did not have a drinking problem. 

The thing is, if you think back a ways, and are honest with yourself, this has probably been a issue for more than 2 years. I think if you take time and think about it, you had worries before then. 

When did the sex stop? And how old are you guys. 

I have been through this and until they want to admit, if they ever do, the they have a problem there is nothing you can do. 

Yeah, it is time to file whether you want to or not. It will either wake her up, or you will have taken the first step towards a happier life. 

And the other thing is, all the money you spent to save her, a compete waste of money for her and you. You, do take this the wrong way, you are enabling her and her drinking. But coming to the rescue, you are actually making things worse. When they are faced with jail, THAT can sometimes wake them up. 

And if you think that you love her so much that you will do anything to "save" and of course she feels the same way... guess again buddy. She "cares" about drinking. That is just one of the reasons that the sex has left your marriage. You are her caretaker, pay check, and general patsy. 

Sorry to be so hard. Like I said, I have lived this. It is not pretty...


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Since she said she doesn't have a problem - that indicates she doesn't plan to do anything to change things for herself and you.

If you want change - that's only going to come from you.

Personally I wouldn't stay with someone who got into trouble with the law due to drinking and didn't change the way they participate. Since she's not changed a thing - she can expect more of the same = more dui's...

What are you willing to do for yourself that changes things?


----------

