# Hello! Im new and any advise will help.



## Serinitylove

I found unrefutable evidence of my mom texting and calling my husband at inappropriate times. 430 am for example. I was not able to see the content just the time stamp and date. I confronted him and tried to get him to confess but he denys anything happend and is gas lighting me saying im crazy. My mom laughed at first and then got angry accusing me of also being crazy. I sent her screen shots of the call logs and then she calmed down but still didnt admit or explain anything. From my research these calls and text went on for 8 months could have been longer but he switched his phone so the records only go back so far. I will file divorce soon. My mom is playing a victim telling my dad im harrassing her. So now he is upset. I just need advise about how to cope with this. Im traumatized. She is not the type to back off easily. Has anyone gone through something like this? Im mortified. I lost my husband and my mom at the same time. #truestory.


----------



## jlg07

If you can get a hold of his phone, you can try recovery software to get back the texts.
OR, if he was truly innocent, he'd hand his phone over to you and let you read the texts between him and your Mom.

VERY sorry you are going through this. Does your Dad know that your Mom is involved with your husband?


----------



## Serinitylove

jlg07 said:


> If you can get a hold of his phone, you can try recovery software to get back the texts.
> OR, if he was truly innocent, he'd hand his phone over to you and let you read the texts between him and your Mom.
> 
> VERY sorry you are going through this. Does your Dad know that your Mom is involved with your husband?


Hi, thanks so much for responding. I didnt want my dad to find out. My mom cheated on hin when I was in my teens. I called her at 5am to confront her and she answered right away. Which was unusual because we had just had a huge falling out a few days ago- about my husband. I had suspicions on and off for a while now but did not ever imagine that she would start a relationship with him behind my back. They really shocked me with this. I knew he had been cheating that is why I was in phone records to begin with. My jaw dropped when I started to see a flurry of messages and calls between him and my mom. Even a quick call on her birthday. He never even calls me on my birthday!! My mom has hated me since birth. I also have the displeasure of being very pretty and I think that made her resent me more. She knew I was having problems in my relationship and she used that to backstab me in the worse way. I have gone through his phones- all evidence deleted. I never even saw a text thread from her so he was definitely hiding it very well. My dad is furious at me. I think he wishes I never said anything but my moral compass would not allow me to keep such a secret. I asked her to wait until my dad went to work to discuss it but she insisted I tell her what was wrong so I did. Im not hurt im really angry.


----------



## jlg07

You can get it recovered using software even if he deleted the texts.

Also, don't you think your Dad is entitled to him knowing she is cheating? Did he know she cheated when you were younger, or just YOU knew about it?
If she cheated then, and is fooling around with your husband, it sounds like she never STOPPED cheating over the years. Your poor Dad.

As for you mother, if you prove to yourself that she has in fact done this, you should cut her out of your life. Someone like that is not worth your time. She WILLFULLY did this to get back at you or hurt you. Why do you need someone like that in your life, relative or not?


----------



## Serinitylove

jlg07 said:


> You can get it recovered using software even if he deleted the texts.
> 
> Also, don't you think your Dad is entitled to him knowing she is cheating? Did he know she cheated when you were younger, or just YOU knew about it?
> If she cheated then, and is fooling around with your husband, it sounds like she never STOPPED cheating over the years. Your poor Dad.
> 
> As for you mother, if you prove to yourself that she has in fact done this, you should cut her out of your life. Someone like that is not worth your time. She WILLFULLY did this to get back at you or hurt you. Why do you need someone like that in your life, relative or not?


I have cut her out. And i agree with you. My dad knows. He was there when I called. He knew she cheated. He chose to stay and they were both abusive to each other. I do not recall any cheating on his end. She tried having him pull phone records to disprove the records that I have, but she is just a hot mess because each carrier works different ly. Hers wont show text as far back as my husbands carrier did. So she called me trying to lie and I hung up. I told her she is cut out of my life. Its just ashame because my kids love her dearly. I cant believe she did this! I dont even care about my husband. We have been on the rocks for a while. I will serve the divorce papers before years end. Im furloughed so its a little tricky with savings. I just need to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move forward. Its just me and my kids! Thanks for listening.🙏


----------



## Serinitylove

jlg07 said:


> You can get it recovered using software even if he deleted the texts.
> 
> Also, don't you think your Dad is entitled to him knowing she is cheating? Did he know she cheated when you were younger, or just YOU knew about it?
> If she cheated then, and is fooling around with your husband, it sounds like she never STOPPED cheating over the years. Your poor Dad.
> 
> As for you mother, if you prove to yourself that she has in fact done this, you should cut her out of your life. Someone like that is not worth your time. She WILLFULLY did this to get back at you or hurt you. Why do you need someone like that in your life, relative or not?


I honestly dont wouldn't invest any more time trying to get messages recovered. Its just too much at this point. The trauma is more than I can bare and I need to keep it together for my kids. The frequency of the text, the odd hours, they were sending images to each other. Its enough.


----------



## Spicy

Oh MY! This is beyond terrible. What is wrong with people?! How could someone do this to their child? Just nastee! So sorry this happened to you hun.


----------



## frusdil

I can't even.


----------



## TJW

This is incredibly evil and wicked on the part of your mother, and your husband. Your kids do not need grandparents like them and they do not need a father like your husband. Get away from all of them, and keep your kids away through court orders if you can.

Put all these people into your past as soon as you can. Move on, and never look back.


----------



## Diana7

Wow what can I say except that you are better off without such an awful toxic person in your life. Just disgusting behaviour on her part, and your husbands. As for the children, she is a terrible role model for them so better they never see her. Your dad needs to know what she has done.


----------



## Serinitylove

Thank you im trying 🙏. I.called my big brother and asked him if i could put him as the beneficiary for my kids. It was my mom before 😰. He said he would but he is worried. I told him i would not be around for the holidays but did not want to say why. I dont want to rip apart my entire family because of her evilness. Its a small family. 4 kids. Im the 2nd eldest. Its rough. Not going to lie.


----------



## GC1234

Spicy said:


> Oh MY! This is beyond terrible. What is wrong with people?! How could someone do this to their child? Just nastee! So sorry this happened to you hun.


Because her mom is most likely a narc. This is beyond a sad situation.


----------



## GC1234

Serinitylove said:


> I found unrefutable evidence of my mom texting and calling my husband at inappropriate times. 430 am for example. I was not able to see the content just the time stamp and date. I confronted him and tried to get him to confess but he denys anything happend and is gas lighting me saying im crazy. My mom laughed at first and then got angry accusing me of also being crazy. I sent her screen shots of the call logs and then she calmed down but still didnt admit or explain anything. From my research these calls and text went on for 8 months could have been longer but he switched his phone so the records only go back so far. I will file divorce soon. My mom is playing a victim telling my dad im harrassing her. So now he is upset. I just need advise about how to cope with this. Im traumatized. She is not the type to back off easily. Has anyone gone through something like this? Im mortified. I lost my husband and my mom at the same time. #truestory.


First of all, I'm so sorry for you..this is a crazy moral transgression. How long is the age gap between them? And are they even both attractive that this would happen? I think your mom might be a narcissist (an overt one maybe), to disregard her child's (you) feelings this way...this is beyond not normal.


----------



## GC1234

Serinitylove said:


> I think he wishes I never said anything but my moral compass would not allow me to keep such a secret.


This! Good for you. I hate that family expects you to keep secrets. It's very brave what you did!


----------



## jlg07

Serinitylove said:


> Thank you im trying 🙏. I.called my big brother and asked him if i could put him as the beneficiary for my kids. It was my mom before 😰. He said he would but he is worried. I told him i would not be around for the holidays but did not want to say why. I dont want to rip apart my entire family because of her evilness. Its a small family. 4 kids. Im the 2nd eldest. Its rough. Not going to lie.


Sorry, you DO need to tell your brother what is going on. I think that him knowing is important -- you know your mother will lie and spin things to make YOU look like the bad guy for leaving your "good husband". He needs to know why you won't be around her.


----------



## Gabriel

Your mom sounds very sick. Like someone that is so jealous of her pretty daughter that in order to feel better about herself she needs to go after her man. And she cheated on your dad before. 

Your dad is likely in the denial stage here. Hope he comes around and gets rid of his nasty wife.


----------



## Serinitylove

jlg07 said:


> Sorry, you DO need to tell your brother what is going on. I think that him knowing is important -- you know your mother will lie and spin things to make YOU look like the bad guy for leaving your "good husband". He needs to know why you won't be around her.


Really? My dad made me feel so horrible for bringing it up. He said right or wrong thats your mother. I said ' dad! She has been talking to him behind my back for months! Handle your wife! She is a tramp! ' I was so mad. Its right before the holidays. I dont want to ruin everyone's holiday. 😫 This will be a body blow to the already very fragmented family we have. I have a baby sister and brother. My big brother just started a major reassignment for his job. I cant find it in my heart to tell him this now. I think I would rather wait. Or let it come out from her end. This morning I was brushing my teeth and almost puked! Im at work now and eveb though its just 5 hours it going to be such a long day for me. 😰 Thank you all so much. I have to reach out to my dr. Today and get a request for counseling. I have a very thick skin but this one took the wind out of me a bit. I have not shed a tear. I do not want to give them the satisfaction.


----------



## Nailhead

Tell your H and mom the can have each other. Neither are worth the time or effort to sort this out. Sorry this has happened to you.


----------



## MattMatt

Lie detector tests for them.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Do you think it's gone physical? I have the same problem with my parents and my sister in terms of triangulating me against whomever I was dating or now, married to. 

I've warned my husband that if he responds beyond being perfunctory, she will call and ask me about it. 

I've explored in my own mind why do they do that? One reason, my sister likes to dominate me. I believe that she hates the fact that my dating style is different from hers and she's angry when real life proof proves her wrong. It's the same with my parents (late father). They complained that I didn't dress well and my hair looked bad (black thing, you know). I would never find anyone to love me. 

My solution? If I were just dating the person, I would dump them. Since we've been together for 10 years, married for 6, I'm not sure what I will do. But I'm ready to let it get ugly if my husband takes the bait and participates.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Serinitylove said:


> I found unrefutable evidence of my mom texting and calling my husband at inappropriate times. 430 am for example. I was not able to see the content just the time stamp and date. I confronted him and tried to get him to confess but he denys anything happend and is gas lighting me saying im crazy. My mom laughed at first and then got angry accusing me of also being crazy. I sent her screen shots of the call logs and then she calmed down but still didnt admit or explain anything. From my research these calls and text went on for 8 months could have been longer but he switched his phone so the records only go back so far. I will file divorce soon. My mom is playing a victim telling my dad im harrassing her. So now he is upset. I just need advise about how to cope with this. Im traumatized. She is not the type to back off easily. Has anyone gone through something like this? Im mortified. I lost my husband and my mom at the same time. #truestory.


You need to let an attorney take care of this. They can get the phone records but cheating usually isn't a grounds for divorce anyway and you don't need to have someone cheating in order to get a divorce from them. 

Neither one of them are going to admit it because it's too taboo what they did. 

You're not crazy. both of them are very inappropriate and hurt you very much and you have every right to be angry and need to get an attorney and get out of it with as much as you can. Because your relationship with your mom just went to hell and unless your dad wises up it'll go to hell with him too. Sorry to hear.


----------



## Serinitylove

NextTimeAround said:


> Do you think it's gone physical? I have the same problem with my parents and my sister in terms of triangulating me against whomever I was dating or now, married to.
> 
> I've warned my husband that if he responds beyond being perfunctory, she will call and ask me about it.
> 
> I've explored in my own mind why do they do that? One reason, my sister likes to dominate me. I believe that she hates the fact that my dating style is different from hers and she's angry when real life proof proves her wrong. It's the same with my parents (late father). They complained that I didn't dress well and my hair looked bad (black thing, you know). I would never find anyone to love me.
> 
> My solution? If I were just dating the person, I would dump them. Since we've been together for 10 years, married for 6, I'm not sure what I will do. But I'm ready to let it get ugly if my husband takes the bait and participates.


That is the excruciating question I may never know the answer too. I do not think they ever thought I would find out about this. My husband has done projects for her around her house. Who knows. If they did shame on them and I do not have the energy to explore beyond what I already know. Its just not fair to me or my kids to let this eat me up any more than it has. It was at least an emotional affair to some degree which can be even harder to digest than a physical affair. We are getting a divorce so whats done is done and Im not going to let them torture me with the details. My conscience is clear because I wasnt the one cheating with my inlaws! Some of the messages he ignored so she really was the agressor and coming onto him. She really out did herself with this one. She's menopausal and bored with the pandemic forcing her to work from home. Absolutely no excuse for what she did, she clearly hates and is jealous of her own daughter. That's a hard pill to swallow. I decided I will be telling her sister, my favorite aunt. We are born on the same day and I always felt a closeness to her that I didnt with my mom. She always competes with her sister even trying to steal the affection of her son, my cousin who is wayward. She works in human services and is wearing a complete mask to her clients. I warned her that even her job would find out who she really is if she continued to cross me. Just disgusting. Ughhh. So upsetting.


----------



## Serinitylove

DownByTheRiver said:


> You need to let an attorney take care of this. They can get the phone records but cheating usually isn't a grounds for divorce anyway and you don't need to have someone cheating in order to get a divorce from them.
> 
> Neither one of them are going to admit it because it's too taboo what they did.
> 
> You're not crazy. both of them are very inappropriate and hurt you very much and you have every right to be angry and need to get an attorney and get out of it with as much as you can. Because your relationship with your mom just went to hell and unless your dad wises up it'll go to hell with him too. Sorry to hear.


Thanks for your reply. I have already reached out to a lawyer. I just need the fee and the divorce will be processed. I didn't plan to divorce on the grounds of cheating. It is defenitely a dissolved marriage and I will be going no fault so that its as quick and painless as possible. We had already been having our issues. 10 years on and off, 3 years marriage. I will ask for full custody he wont contest. I just hate that its not really happening on my terms exactly and that my own mother took part in the dissolution of my marriage. Its beyond comprehension to me at this point. But there were signs so I am going to try my best and not play the victim.


----------



## Serinitylove

GC1234 said:


> Because her mom is most likely a narc. This is beyond a sad situation.


Its very sad. The shock levels are beyond what I've ever felt in my life. 😫 I feel motherless. Its awful. I feel like she died.


----------



## MattMatt

We will be here for you, @Serinitylove. We are your back up team.


----------



## GC1234

Serinitylove said:


> Its very sad. The shock levels are beyond what I've ever felt in my life. 😫 I feel motherless. Its awful. I feel like she died.


I can't even begin to imagine how you feel, but you have every right to feel this way. The ultimate betrayal. Just get solid proof and see a lawyer if you want to file for divorce.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Serinitylove said:


> Thanks for your reply. I have already reached out to a lawyer. I just need the fee and the divorce will be processed. I didn't plan to divorce on the grounds of cheating. It is defenitely a dissolved marriage and I will be going no fault so that its as quick and painless as possible. We had already been having our issues. 10 years on and off, 3 years marriage. I will ask for full custody he wont contest. I just hate that its not really happening on my terms exactly and that my own mother took part in the dissolution of my marriage. Its beyond comprehension to me at this point. But there were signs so I am going to try my best and not play the victim.


I'm glad you have it underway, but I think you're being silly to not make him take 50% responsibility for the children so that you can have a life and a job and the kids have a father. I know mothers are always reluctant to give up any custody but it's a mistake. It kind of set you up for failure and it frees him to do whatever he wants and the children lose.


----------



## Serinitylove

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm glad you have it underway, but I think you're being silly to not make him take 50% responsibility for the children so that you can have a life and a job and the kids have a father. I know mothers are always reluctant to give up any custody but it's a mistake. It kind of set you up for failure and it frees him to do whatever he wants and the children lose.


I totally agree with you. But its for the safety of my daughter. He is very unfit. I wont stray from the topic to get into all the reasons why but I would defenitely be putting my daughter in danger giving him 50% custody. Just as a reminder he may have slept with my mom! Not exactly warm and fuzzy thinking of handing over my 8 year old daughter to him for a week or two. Ive lived already. My life is now for my kids. I owe it to them to be all in 100%. I totally understand what you're saying though and in a normal situation I would agree. But this situation is far from normal so the outcome in divorcing him will be less than ideal.


----------



## Serinitylove

MattMatt said:


> We will be here for you, @Serinitylove. We are your back up team.


You all are amazing! God bless you all!! You helped me through today. Today was rough!


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Serinitylove said:


> I totally agree with you. But its for the safety of my daughter. He is very unfit. I wont stray from the topic to get into all the reasons why but I would defenitely be putting my daughter in danger giving him 50% custody. Just as a reminder he may have slept with my mom! Not exactly warm and fuzzy thinking of handing over my 8 year old daughter to him for a week or two. Ive lived already. My life is now for my kids. I owe it to them to be all in 100%. I totally understand what you're saying though and in a normal situation I would agree. But this situation is far from normal so the outcome in divorcing him will be less than ideal.


Well he certainly does have weak boundaries, and especially your mom does. I hate it that now you won't be able to depend on her for any family support with the kids because if she would do that there's no telling who she might expose them to. It's just a tragedy all around.


----------



## Serinitylove

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well he certainly does have weak boundaries, and especially your mom does. I hate it that now you won't be able to depend on her for any family support with the kids because if she would do that there's no telling who she might expose them to. It's just a tragedy all around.


Its a severe tragedy. Her support was always wishy washy so not to big of a loss there. It came with alot of mental abuse. So im actually glad this forces me to be more self reliant. My husband is stonewalling. He is literally in hiding. I hate cowards. He probably wont sign the divorce papers. This is going to be painful. But im going to try my best to just rise above the pettiness and get through this. He is shocked that I'm leaving him. He thought i was just his toy to put down and pick up for his amusement. I really wish the divorce could be over yesterday. Its going to be annoying with him refusing to participate. I put him out. I cancelled the registration I was paying for on his vehicle. I know thats probably a little petty but when I cut off I cut completely off. Yikes. 😂😫


----------



## DownByTheRiver

You're doing the right thing. Stay strong.


----------



## Serinitylove

DownByTheRiver said:


> You're doing the right thing. Stay strong.


Thank you! Question to you or any takers. Im really torn on when to file the divorce. I dont know if I can manage emotionally filing before the holidays. The fee is also going to put a dent in my savings. Im also furloughed partially. But at the same time i want the divorce ball rolling stat! It pains me to think that i might need to start a New year with a divorce filing. I want to get it over with now. Any advice?


----------



## DownByTheRiver

I think you should go ahead and file because it's a long enough wait
after you do and especially if he's not going to cooperate. You need to talk to your attorney about payment and when and see if any of it waits until the divorce is final.


----------



## Serinitylove

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think you should go ahead and file because it's a long enough wait
> after you do and especially if he's not going to cooperate. You need to talk to your attorney about payment and when and see if any of it waits until the divorce is final.


Thanks for this insight! I will be reaching out to the lawyer tomorrow.


----------



## jlg07

Serinitylove said:


> Really? My dad made me feel so horrible for bringing it up. He said right or wrong thats your mother. I said ' dad! She has been talking to him behind my back for months! Handle your wife! She is a tramp! ' I was so mad. Its right before the holidays. I dont want to ruin everyone's holiday. 😫 This will be a body blow to the already very fragmented family we have. I have a baby sister and brother. My big brother just started a major reassignment for his job. I cant find it in my heart to tell him this now. I think I would rather wait. Or let it come out from her end. This morning I was brushing my teeth and almost puked! Im at work now and eveb though its just 5 hours it going to be such a long day for me. 😰 Thank you all so much. I have to reach out to my dr. Today and get a request for counseling. I have a very thick skin but this one took the wind out of me a bit. I have not shed a tear. I do not want to give them the satisfaction.


Just one thing -- YOU wouldn't ruin everyone's holiday. Your "mother" has done that already.
Your Dad has blinders on -- maybe you should send him here -- the folks on TAM will straighten him out.


----------



## Serinitylove

GC1234 said:


> First of all, I'm so sorry for you..this is a crazy moral transgression. How long is the age gap between them? And are they even both attractive that this would happen? I think your mom might be a narcissist (an overt one maybe), to disregard her child's (you) feelings this way...this is beyond not normal.


There's a 20 year age gap! Ughh. She is 60 we are not even 40 yet. She is horrible. I told her sister today- my aunt. Lets just say she was speechless. Im not telling another family member its so despicable. And I feel dirty even talking about it to my family. I mean my aunt was coming up with a dozen reasons why this had to be a misunderstanding. And im like no aunty the phone records show everything. Thats what she did. Its just too much. Smh.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Serinitylove said:


> I decided I will be telling her sister, my favorite aunt.


Be sure to have proof of this inappropriate behavior. Maybe you can print out those text messages. This may be the one time that your aunt can't believe it. Despite all this info out there about sibling rivalries and parents' competitive behavior towards their children, she may not want to believe.

I do recall a classmate in grad school telling me that he had had sex with his girlfriend's mother. "She's so friendly around you."


----------



## Serinitylove

NextTimeAround said:


> Be sure to have proof of this inappropriate behavior. Maybe you can print out those text messages. This may be the one time that your aunt can't believe it. Despite all this info out there about sibling rivalries and parents' competitive behavior towards their children, she may not want to believe.
> 
> I do recall a classmate in grad school telling me that he had had sex with his girlfriend's mother. "She's so friendly around you."


Hi there. Thanks for your reply. Im just not in a place where I want to 'prove' anything. I think putting that burden on the betrayed person is also unfair. The suspicion alone is evidence enough. The evidence I have should not even be there. It shouldn't exsist. But it does and that is very shameful on their part. Im disassociating from it. I'm not the FBI. They can come clean or keep it a secret it will come out when God says its time. They can get the stares and the whispers from their friends and family. Im not immersing myself any more emotionally in their filth. I just need help on getting out. And very swiftly with the least amount of harm to me and my kids.


----------



## MattMatt

@Serinitylove This kind of betrayal is dreadful. Not the first time we old time TAM members have seen this. There was a member from Germany who arrived home to find his fiancé and his mother having sex together.

He cancelled the wedding and his father divorced the mother.

You need to do what is right for you. You should see a lawyer ASAP.


----------



## Serinitylove

MattMatt said:


> @Serinitylove This kind of betrayal is dreadful. Not the first time we old time TAM members have seen this. There was a member from Germany who arrived home to find his fiancé and his mother having sex together.
> 
> He cancelled the wedding and his father divorced the mother.
> 
> You need to do what is right for you. You should see a lawyer ASAP.


Thank you. I was able to connect with my lawyer today. I'm going to move ahead with the divorce. This is all more excruciating then I thought it would be. Thanks so much for lending your ear and being supportive of someone you dont know. It truly means alot.🙏


----------



## MattMatt

Serinitylove said:


> Thank you. I was able to connect with my lawyer today. I'm going to move ahead with the divorce. This is all more excruciating then I thought it would be. Thanks so much for lending your ear and being supportive of someone you dont know. It truly means alot.🙏


We come here for help, which we get and then some of us stay here to help other people. People like we were, in need of help, advice and a supporting shoulder to lean on.

You are more than welcome.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Serinitylove said:


> Thank you im trying 🙏. I.called my big brother and asked him if i could put him as the beneficiary for my kids. It was my mom before 😰. He said he would but he is worried. I told him i would not be around for the holidays but did not want to say why. I dont want to rip apart my entire family because of her evilness. Its a small family. 4 kids. Im the 2nd eldest. Its rough. Not going to lie.


I would tell him. If my sister was in your shoes and she did not tell me, i would be pissed. You should tell him.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Serinitylove said:


> There's a 20 year age gap! Ughh. She is 60 we are not even 40 yet. She is horrible. I told her sister today- my aunt. Lets just say she was speechless. Im not telling another family member its so despicable. And I feel dirty even talking about it to my family. I mean my aunt was coming up with a dozen reasons why this had to be a misunderstanding. And im like no aunty the phone records show everything. Thats what she did. Its just too much. Smh.


You need to get the texts/photos back on his old phone, even if you do not look at them. They will spin it to the family you are crazy. "It was just good morning calls , she is crazy." "Show us proof anything was inappropriate"

Get the app to restore the texts!


----------



## jin

In my opinion If you don't need the evidence then just forget it.

Even thinking you won't look at it is risky. The temptation to look will be there. And believe me reading and or hearing evidence of betrayal will be excruciating. It will play over in your mind for years and is the hardest part of being betrayed imo. Knowing your partner betrayed you is hard enough but actually reading /hearing it is on a whole different level. 

Its not worth it if it won't change anything.

In my case my in-laws wanted me to give them the evidence but I couldn't. Decision to divorce had already been made and there was no point causing more pain to everyone.


----------



## Serinitylove

jin said:


> In my opinion If you don't need the evidence then just forget it.
> 
> Even thinking you won't look at it is risky. The temptation to look will be there. And believe me reading and or hearing evidence of betrayal will be excruciating. It will play over in your mind for years and is the hardest part of being betrayed imo. Knowing your partner betrayed you is hard enough but actually reading /hearing it is on a whole different level.
> 
> Its not worth it if it won't change anything.
> 
> In my case my in-laws wanted me to give them the evidence but I couldn't. Decision to divorce had already been made and there was no point causing more pain to everyone.


When you say in your case why did you have the evidence? Were you the one who betrayed a spouse?


----------



## Serinitylove

Divinely Favored said:


> You need to get the texts/photos back on his old phone, even if you do not look at them. They will spin it to the family you are crazy. "It was just good morning calls , she is crazy." "Show us proof anything was inappropriate"
> 
> Get the app to restore the texts!


Im not sure you understand how painful this is? I dont need to see the hardcore evidence. It happened. Little by little my soon to be ex husband is admitting. Read the comment from Jin below. I just want anyone reading this who is going through betrayal to know you do not have to torture yourself with the excruciating details of infidelity. Its sadistic. The phone records told a chilling story and I have to refrain from letting my imagination fill in all the blanks. It goes beyond evidence when something like this happens to you. Its more of, ' how do i get through this?' 'Am i going to be ok? ' ' how do i protect my kids through this?' ' why is this happening to me? ' ' God are you going to help me?' So many deeper questions and issues then to wonder how hot and heavy things got between two people betraying someone. I think when we are betrayed the focus is just in the wrong place if it stays in the gory details too long. I mean its disgusting but its still just sex. My focus is more on the deceit, the plotting and planning, the intent. Thats what enrages me. I think when people are on trial for heinous crimes the harsh sentencing comes from the premeditated acts, not necessarily the final crime itself. Sorry if I am rambiling, but I up drinking after a big blow up with my family. I need to vent. Thank you all again.


----------



## Serinitylove

So I know I sound very reasonable but I've kind of unravelled in the past week. It was my bday a few days ago I think that may have triggered it. I met up with my soon to be ex and at first things were civil. But then as the conversation turned to lies I lost it. I kicked him, threw a drink in fsce, pulled a phone from the hotel wall and tossed it at him. I literally almost pulled the lamp out of the wall. I guess Im still in the anger phase? 😰 At this point im trying not to catch a case. (Funny not funny) also **** has hit the fan with my family. The dirty little secret got out and my Narc mother went ballistic- no apologies or anything to me of course but pissed because her fake reputation has been exposed. Meanwhile My divorce paperwork is in motion and my Narc husband is most likely going to stall the paperwork making it more costly. He is also stonewalling everytime i try to discuss the divorce. Im filing uncontested so that it is less exspensive. I dont know how far i will get if he does not cooperate. Im partially furloughed right now I cant afford a 5 grand divorce fee!! 😫 i need him to agree to the divorce sign the papers and hand them in. Anyone on tactics to get other party to agree? I also want him far away from me or I want to move. I already told my job im open to reassignment. I just want to get away from all this. Like i literally feel trapped and want to run away. I know i cant do that but im just beside myself and confused. My family life is a **** show right now! I told my sister and brother of course like the enablers they are they detest me for accusing my mother of this. Everyone is either hiding, in denial or attacking and I just dont know what to do. I blocked everyone accept my dad. He at least hears me out but he is still in complete denial. I hate my husband and loathe my mom. Just not in a good place. Anyone got any ideas lol? Any funny jokes? 😫


----------



## Divinely Favored

Serinitylove said:


> My family life is a shxxt show right now! I told my sister and brother of course like the enablers they are they detest me for accusing my mother of this. Everyone is either hiding, in denial or attacking and I just dont know what to do. I blocked everyone accept my dad. He at least hears me out but he is still in complete denial. I hate my husband and loathe my mom. Just not in a good place. Anyone got any ideas lol? Any funny jokes? 😫


This is the reason i said get the copies of the texts for evidence. It is not so you can sit and ponder over wvery word they said. It is so when your siblings dont believe you can show them copies of the text messages so they dont all think you are crazy.


----------



## MattMatt

Serinitylove said:


> So I know I sound very reasonable but I've kind of unravelled in the past week. It was my bday a few days ago I think that may have triggered it. I met up with my soon to be ex and at first things were civil. But then as the conversation turned to lies I lost it. I kicked him, threw a drink in fsce, pulled a phone from the hotel wall and tossed it at him. I literally almost pulled the lamp out of the wall. I guess Im still in the anger phase? 😰 At this point im trying not to catch a case. (Funny not funny) also *** has hit the fan with my family. The dirty little secret got out and my Narc mother went ballistic- no apologies or anything to me of course but pissed because her fake reputation has been exposed. Meanwhile My divorce paperwork is in motion and my Narc husband is most likely going to stall the paperwork making it more costly. He is also stonewalling everytime i try to discuss the divorce. Im filing uncontested so that it is less exspensive. I dont know how far i will get if he does not cooperate. Im partially furloughed right now I cant afford a 5 grand divorce fee!! 😫 i need him to agree to the divorce sign the papers and hand them in. Anyone on tactics to get other party to agree? I also want him far away from me or I want to move. I already told my job im open to reassignment. I just want to get away from all this. Like i literally feel trapped and want to run away. I know i cant do that but im just beside myself and confused. My family life is a *** show right now! I told my sister and brother of course like the enablers they are they detest me for accusing my mother of this. Everyone is either hiding, in denial or attacking and I just dont know what to do. I blocked everyone accept my dad. He at least hears me out but he is still in complete denial. I hate my husband and loathe my mom. Just not in a good place. Anyone got any ideas lol? Any funny jokes? 😫


@Serinitylove Check out the Social Spot, you'll find a whole array of jokes, etc there to tickle your fancy.


----------



## Serinitylove

Divinely Favored said:


> This is the reason i said get the copies of the texts for evidence. It is not so you can sit and ponder over wvery word they said. It is so when your siblings dont believe you can show them copies of the text messages so they dont all think you are crazy.


She sent a few text and she is conviently cropping them to make them look harmless. Its beating a dead horse right now. I dont even have the energy to get my kid to her remote learning program. I just cant expend any more energy on that part. I totally get what you are saying. Its just not worth it to me. I get screwed over and then get tasked with playing detective? No way. I think even if they saw a sex video at this point they would say oh they were just joking around. Complete denial. I just cant. Its exhausting.


----------



## attheend02

Serinitylove said:


> She sent a few text and she is conviently cropping them to make them look harmless. Its beating a dead horse right now. I dont even have the energy to get my kid to her remote learning program. I just cant expend any more energy on that part. I totally get what you are saying. Its just not worth it to me. I get screwed over and then get tasked with playing detective? No way. I think even if they saw a sex video at this point they would say oh they were just joking around. Complete denial. I just cant. Its exhausting.


I agree that if it doesn't help your divorce case, let it alone.

Who really cares if your siblings believe you. If they don't, then they aren't worth convincing.


----------



## Serinitylove

attheend02 said:


> I agree that if it doesn't help your divorce case, let it alone.
> 
> Who really cares if your siblings believe you. If they don't, then they aren't worth convincing.


Thank you! Thats exactly where my head is at. Its uncontested. I want it over fast. It wont be relevant at all in my state. I wish I lived in a state where you can sue for alienation of affection!! Then I would be all in like Inspector gadget lol! No such luck.


----------



## jlg07

It depends -- do you care that your sister/brother will be alienated from you? If not, no worries. If so, then you SHOULD try to get some of the proof to send to them. Doesn't have to be exhaustive. You MAY want to get something more concrete to help your Dad get to the reality of what your mother did.


----------



## Serinitylove

jlg07 said:


> It depends -- do you care that your sister/brother will be alienated from you? If not, no worries. If so, then you SHOULD try to get some of the proof to send to them. Doesn't have to be exhaustive. You MAY want to get something more concrete to help your Dad get to the reality of what your mother did.


My dad lays next to my mother every night. He can ask for her phone himself. I think I will be even more alienated send evidence of things my siblings arent requesting. Im kinda screwed either way there so I will just take the route of focusing on myself and my recovery. Not to mention a divorce that Im hoping can be done before the spring next year. Totally get it though.


----------



## jin

Serinitylove said:


> When you say in your case why did you have the evidence? Were you the one who betrayed a spouse?


I had the evidence of my cheating ex wife when I got a backup of her iPhone. 

I suspected something was going on but it was still a shock to read all those messages with her AP and friends. I couldn't believe what she was saying about me and one of her friend encouraging her. Cheaters will demonise their betrayed spouse in order to rationalise their behaviour. Still angers me to this day 5 years on but now I'm working on releasing the anger and forgiving.

So sorry you are here but remember you are not alone many people have experienced what you are going through. It's not easy but you will get through it.


----------



## Serinitylove

jin said:


> I had the evidence of my cheating ex wife when I got a backup of her iPhone.
> 
> I suspected something was going on but it was still a shock to read all those messages with her AP and friends. I couldn't believe what she was saying about me and one of her friend encouraging her. Cheaters will demonise their betrayed spouse in order to rationalise their behaviour. Still angers me to this day 5 years on but now I'm working on releasing the anger and forgiving.
> 
> So sorry you are here but remember you are not alone many people have experienced what you are going through. It's not easy but you will get through it.


Thank you for sharing this. It's really helpful to get advise from someone that has gone through betrayal and thats what im struggiling with. Do you mind sharing how long did you wait before filing the divorce? Did she have remorse? Did she admit to it? How did you confront her? Did you initiate the divorce? Did she care that divorce was on the table? Did she fight to stay with you or was she only sorry she was caught. How long did it take to finalize the divorce? Lastly how did you cope while going through this? Sorry so many questions but your insight would help me tremendously. 🙏


----------



## jin

Serinitylove said:


> Thank you for sharing this. It's really helpful to get advise from someone that has gone through betrayal and thats what im struggiling with. Do you mind sharing how long did you wait before filing the divorce? Did she have remorse? Did she admit to it? How did you confront her? Did you initiate the divorce? Did she care that divorce was on the table? Did she fight to stay with you or was she only sorry she was caught. How long did it take to finalize the divorce? Lastly how did you cope while going through this? Sorry so many questions but your insight would help me tremendously.


I was seeking advice on here and based on what I was saying I was told my wife was probably having an affair. Which was correct.

When I found out I waited for her to leave the house for work then put all her clothes in a rubbish bag dropped them off to her dad changed the locks to the house emailed all her family and friends about the affair and went away for a few days with our son. Then my phone blew up. All the texts I got from her that were predicted came true like "I was going to end it and fix things with you but not now after what you have done".

That was an extreme course of action I took. I got a lot of advice on here and that was suggested as a way to shock her out of the affair. But it didn't work.

I never got a chance to reconcile as she wavered and finally decided she didn't want to. She had plans to get with her AP but he dumped her a few months later.

She never really apologised or admitted to it. Even her family believed her but found out eventually. She did say sorry to me but when I asked her what she was sorry for she still couldn't admit it. We decided to divorce about a month later well she decided actually. So I can't answer whether I world have tried to reconcile. It would have depended on her attitude.

I coped by focusing on my son and friends and picking up my old hobbies. I didn't get counselling which was a mistake. I recommend it to help heal.

Her family were shocked and couldn't believe what she had done. Kept asking me for evidence but it was pointless. Decision had already been made to divorce. Later they told me she is still our daughter and they supported her and tried to screw me on marital property pretending to mediate. That was a good lesson to me and I've hated them since. Don't expect anything from in laws.

In retrospect emailing everyone didn't help and face to face might have been better. Things might have turned out different if I demanded she stop talking with her AP and her enabling friend but she was an adult and free to decide what she wanted.

Now 5 years on I'm still single as is my ex but now I'm going on dates and trying again. My story isn't really helpful but I think reconciliation world have been to hard. I wouldn't be able to forget what she said and did especially after reading it first hand. That's why I recommend not getting your hands on evidence is pretty painful.

Edit. We actually didn't divorce till a few years later we just separated. Came to an agreement on property and shared care. I think divorce is not the key thing for you what's important is separation in living and property. Actual divorce where I live takes sometime though.


----------



## Serinitylove

jin said:


> I was seeking advice on here and based on what I was saying I was told my wife was probably having an affair. Which was correct.
> 
> When I found out I waited for her to leave the house for work then put all her clothes in a rubbish bag dropped them off to her dad changed the locks to the house emailed all her family and friends about the affair and went away for a few days with our son. Then my phone blew up. All the texts I got from her that were predicted came true like "I was going to end it and fix things with you but not now after what you have done".
> 
> That was an extreme course of action I took. I got a lot of advice on here and that was suggested as a way to shock her out of the affair. But it didn't work.
> 
> I never got a chance to reconcile as she wavered and finally decided she didn't want to. She had plans to get with her AP but he dumped her a few months later.
> 
> She never really apologised or admitted to it. Even her family believed her but found out eventually. She did say sorry to me but when I asked her what she was sorry for she still couldn't admit it. We decided to divorce about a month later well she decided actually. So I can't answer whether I world have tried to reconcile. It would have depended on her attitude.
> 
> I coped by focusing on my son and friends and picking up my old hobbies. I didn't get counselling which was a mistake. I recommend it to help heal.
> 
> Her family were shocked and couldn't believe what she had done. Kept asking me for evidence but it was pointless. Decision had already been made to divorce. Later they told me she is still our daughter and they supported her and tried to screw me on marital property pretending to mediate. That was a good lesson to me and I've hated them since. Don't expect anything from in laws.
> 
> In retrospect emailing everyone didn't help and face to face might have been better. Things might have turned out different if I demanded she stop talking with her AP and her enabling friend but she was an adult and free to decide what she wanted.
> 
> Now 5 years on I'm still single as is my ex but now I'm going on dates and trying again. My story isn't really helpful but I think reconciliation world have been to hard. I wouldn't be able to forget what she said and did especially after reading it first hand. That's why I recommend not getting your hands on evidence is pretty painful.
> 
> Edit. We actually didn't divorce till a few years later we just separated. Came to an agreement on property and shared care. I think divorce is not the key thing for you what's important is separation in living and property. Actual divorce where I live takes sometime though.


You said your story isnt helpful you are wrong this is extremely helpful and so gracious of you to share. Thank you so much for being so open and giving me some insight into what the fall out looks like in the aftermath. I am truly, truly appreciative. You are also very strong and you will find someone with a beautiful spirit like yours very soon! Put yourself out there. Don't hide away. You sound like a very level headed person who I am sure makes a great partner. 

I think you did the right thing exposing her no matter how the cards fell. I agree you do have to catch them off gaurd so that they feel the gravity of the shameful thing they have done. I did the same thing. I sent all the evidence I have so far to my husbands family. I also called his parents. I told his friends. My mother has also been exposed to friends, her church, and even distant relatives. Family members I havent spoke to in years have reached out to offer me support. Abuse thrives in secrecy. It needs to come out harshly and swiftly so that it stops. Or is put on life support because of the blows of shame and embarrassment. Thats why the AP leaves too. They cant take the shame/guilt of having broke up a family. 

How long were you and your ex together? Looking back do you feel like there were red flags you missed? I defenitely missed quite a few red flags and that is the only part that makes me livid. That I was so caught up in work and my kids , I totally missed the signs. 

I dont think you should regret anything. At least you have your pride. I dont understand people who treat the betrayer with kid gloves and start babying them as if they did not just get stsbbed in the back. Im not with that. Often I have to talk myself down for the saftey of all involved. Plus they are trash to me now. Not worth the effort of getting my hands dirty.


----------



## Serinitylove

jin said:


> I was seeking advice on here and based on what I was saying I was told my wife was probably having an affair. Which was correct.
> 
> When I found out I waited for her to leave the house for work then put all her clothes in a rubbish bag dropped them off to her dad changed the locks to the house emailed all her family and friends about the affair and went away for a few days with our son. Then my phone blew up. All the texts I got from her that were predicted came true like "I was going to end it and fix things with you but not now after what you have done".
> 
> That was an extreme course of action I took. I got a lot of advice on here and that was suggested as a way to shock her out of the affair. But it didn't work.
> 
> I never got a chance to reconcile as she wavered and finally decided she didn't want to. She had plans to get with her AP but he dumped her a few months later.
> 
> She never really apologised or admitted to it. Even her family believed her but found out eventually. She did say sorry to me but when I asked her what she was sorry for she still couldn't admit it. We decided to divorce about a month later well she decided actually. So I can't answer whether I world have tried to reconcile. It would have depended on her attitude.
> 
> I coped by focusing on my son and friends and picking up my old hobbies. I didn't get counselling which was a mistake. I recommend it to help heal.
> 
> Her family were shocked and couldn't believe what she had done. Kept asking me for evidence but it was pointless. Decision had already been made to divorce. Later they told me she is still our daughter and they supported her and tried to screw me on marital property pretending to mediate. That was a good lesson to me and I've hated them since. Don't expect anything from in laws.
> 
> In retrospect emailing everyone didn't help and face to face might have been better. Things might have turned out different if I demanded she stop talking with her AP and her enabling friend but she was an adult and free to decide what she wanted.
> 
> Now 5 years on I'm still single as is my ex but now I'm going on dates and trying again. My story isn't really helpful but I think reconciliation world have been to hard. I wouldn't be able to forget what she said and did especially after reading it first hand. That's why I recommend not getting your hands on evidence is pretty painful.
> 
> Edit. We actually didn't divorce till a few years later we just separated. Came to an agreement on property and shared care. I think divorce is not the key thing for you what's important is separation in living and property. Actual divorce where I live takes sometime though.


I could read your response 50 times! Lol truly thank you so much for this. I think whats so telling about most cheaters is the cowardice. The selfishness in not being able to admit it and putting the betrayed through even more hell after knifing them in the back with their eyes wide open. Its just a brutal character flaw to behave this way. Im sorry I wish behavior like this was punishable by lashings or public shaming like in some 3rd world countries. The shame ane embarrassment they live with is not enough punishment for ripping apart their family, in some cases 2 families, kids, puting a hault on future investments, the emotional and psychological damage! The list goes on. 

I really think you are better off without her if she didnt even have the heart to apologize. Please do not regret standing up to her. You also showed your son a big lesson about self respect and one day he will thank you for that. 🙏 God bless you. You've inspired me to continue foward with my divorce with confidence and strength.


----------



## jin

Serinitylove said:


> You said your story isnt helpful you are wrong this is extremely helpful and so gracious of you to share. Thank you so much for being so open and giving me some insight into what the fall out looks like in the aftermath. I am truly, truly appreciative. You are also very strong and you will find someone with a beautiful spirit like yours very soon! Put yourself out there. Don't hide away. You sound like a very level headed person who I am sure makes a great partner.
> 
> I think you did the right thing exposing her no matter how the cards fell. I agree you do have to catch them off gaurd so that they feel the gravity of the shameful thing they have done. I did the same thing. I sent all the evidence I have so far to my husbands family. I also called his parents. I told his friends. My mother has also been exposed to friends, her church, and even distant relatives. Family members I havent spoke to in years have reached out to offer me support. Abuse thrives in secrecy. It needs to come out harshly and swiftly so that it stops. Or is put on life support because of the blows of shame and embarrassment. Thats why the AP leaves too. They cant take the shame/guilt of having broke up a family.
> 
> How long were you and your ex together? Looking back do you feel like there were red flags you missed? I defenitely missed quite a few red flags and that is the only part that makes me livid. That I was so caught up in work and my kids , I totally missed the signs.
> 
> I dont think you should regret anything. At least you have your pride. I dont understand people who treat the betrayer with kid gloves and start babying them as if they did not just get stsbbed in the back. Im not with that. Often I have to talk myself down for the saftey of all involved. Plus they are trash to me now. Not worth the effort of getting my hands dirty.


You're very welcome and thanks for the kind words. We were together about 7 years as far as red flags go the only thing I really should have paid more attention to was the relationship between her parents. Her mom really bullied her husband in a lot of ways even in front of me. I thought she was totally different but turned out similar to her mother after we married and that was a problem because I refused to tolerate the same kind of bs her mother would pull so we clashed after awhile. But the bigger problem was she suffered from pnd and refused to get help or recognise it. That was the beginning of the end. But the red flags were that we were not a good match rather than an indication she would be unfaithful. I wouldn't beat yourself up for missing red flags as it's impossible to tell who is capable of cheating. It takes all sorts and some never get caught. I might have never found out if I didn't come here for advice and was warned about the red flags like gas lighting and projecting. 

I justified separating because I wanted to set an example for my son. I couldn't see what was worse for him growing up with parents who didn't love each other or growing up in a broken family. I feel I made the right choice no matter how painful it was for my son. That was the hardest part because he cried a lot it was heartbreaking. But the good news is he seems a lot better these days at least as far as I can tell. 

I found reading a lot of other stories on here helpful as a way to cope as I felt not alone and your situation is pretty terrible but not the worst I have read on here.


----------



## jin

Serinitylove said:


> I could read your response 50 times! Lol truly thank you so much for this. I think whats so telling about most cheaters is the cowardice. The selfishness in not being able to admit it and putting the betrayed through even more hell after knifing them in the back with their eyes wide open. Its just a brutal character flaw to behave this way. Im sorry I wish behavior like this was punishable by lashings or public shaming like in some 3rd world countries. The shame ane embarrassment they live with is not enough punishment for ripping apart their family, in some cases 2 families, kids, puting a hault on future investments, the emotional and psychological damage! The list goes on.
> 
> I really think you are better off without her if she didnt even have the heart to apologize. Please do not regret standing up to her. You also showed your son a big lesson about self respect and one day he will thank you for that.  God bless you. You've inspired me to continue foward with my divorce with confidence and strength.


Just be brave and continue with what you are doing. Divorce is destructive in all ways emotionally physically financially. But you can take some comfort in that you have your pride intact no matter what friends and family may think or say.


----------



## Blaine

Serinitylove said:


> So I know I sound very reasonable but I've kind of unravelled in the past week. It was my bday a few days ago I think that may have triggered it. I met up with my soon to be ex and at first things were civil. But then as the conversation turned to lies I lost it. I kicked him, threw a drink in fsce, pulled a phone from the hotel wall and tossed it at him. I literally almost pulled the lamp out of the wall. I guess Im still in the anger phase? 😰 At this point im trying not to catch a case. (Funny not funny) also *** has hit the fan with my family. The dirty little secret got out and my Narc mother went ballistic- no apologies or anything to me of course but pissed because her fake reputation has been exposed. Meanwhile My divorce paperwork is in motion and my Narc husband is most likely going to stall the paperwork making it more costly. He is also stonewalling everytime i try to discuss the divorce. Im filing uncontested so that it is less exspensive. I dont know how far i will get if he does not cooperate. Im partially furloughed right now I cant afford a 5 grand divorce fee!! 😫 i need him to agree to the divorce sign the papers and hand them in. Anyone on tactics to get other party to agree? I also want him far away from me or I want to move. I already told my job im open to reassignment. I just want to get away from all this. Like i literally feel trapped and want to run away. I know i cant do that but im just beside myself and confused. My family life is a *** show right now! I told my sister and brother of course like the enablers they are they detest me for accusing my mother of this. Everyone is either hiding, in denial or attacking and I just dont know what to do. I blocked everyone accept my dad. He at least hears me out but he is still in complete denial. I hate my husband and loathe my mom. Just not in a good place. Anyone got any ideas lol? Any funny jokes? 😫


Hi Serinitylove Sorry for what you are going thru. This is one of the worst betrayals I have seen. A mother trying to feel young and powerful destroys the family of her oldest daughter. I'm afraid the anger and other feelings are only just beginning to come out. Everyone in the family is acting in their own best interest. The kids and aunt cant believe it because it would cause them to question themselves and look inside. Stay strong and take care of ur kids


----------



## Serinitylove

Blaine said:


> Hi Serinitylove Sorry for what you are going thru. This is one of the worst betrayals I have seen. A mother trying to feel young and powerful destroys the family of her oldest daughter. I'm afraid the anger and other feelings are only just beginning to come out. Everyone in the family is acting in their own best interest. The kids and aunt cant believe it because it would cause them to question themselves and look inside. Stay strong and take care of ur kids


Thank you so much for reaching out. So much is coming out little by little things are starting to calm down and then something else happens. I have not shed a tear over this. Some people think im acting off pure speculation. But there was at least an emotional affair. Because she is acting crazy! He had to change his number. She still reached out to him after i asked her not to a month ago. He is also pleading not to divorce but papers are in motion. Just the thought makes me sick. I dont think i can go back even if i tried. Im just taking it day by day now. Focusing on my kids. Im not concerned with the details i really want to move on. My mother is struggling to move on and yesterday i actually started to feel bad for her. Like it literally makes me feel sad that she felt so low and so insignificant within herself. Now my sibilings are starting to move to my side after i texted out the latest phone records with her trying to communicate. I put a block on her number so the messages didnt land but they still showed on the records. My big brother texted me right away saying he loved me! That meant the world to me. I have seen some of the text and she was the agressor sometimes. My spouse was ignoring her but most times he was not. It was like oh can you do me a favor? And he would be like sure and im not sure how that steam rolled into a handful of late night calls but it did. What makes timing everything hard is that the service provider clocks in pacific time. So i have to add 3 hours to times shown and its just a headache. I am taking info as it flows to me. Im just not forcing it out. Because everyone is showing their hand. I feel powerful because i exposed her! And i mean down to her church. I dont care how vicious people say i am. You mess with my family u better be prepared even if you are my very family. Thats sad. I was not going to post today but i was thinking about it. I just logged in to see i had a response so maybe it was time for me to vent. Thanks so much for reaching out. I am very shocked how strongly i have handled this i am not going to let other people's sickness break me. Im very accomplished and this situation came down to jealousy and envy because i will not apologize for who i am. I am not asking my spouse what i didnt give him or how i fell short. I am serving him divorce papers on a cold dish and that will be that. He is even saying he will take a lie detector test but im still just insulted by the mere speculation and I don't have any more time or money to waste. I will let you know how things play out!


----------



## Serinitylove

jin said:


> You're very welcome and thanks for the kind words. We were together about 7 years as far as red flags go the only thing I really should have paid more attention to was the relationship between her parents. Her mom really bullied her husband in a lot of ways even in front of me. I thought she was totally different but turned out similar to her mother after we married and that was a problem because I refused to tolerate the same kind of bs her mother would pull so we clashed after awhile. But the bigger problem was she suffered from pnd and refused to get help or recognise it. That was the beginning of the end. But the red flags were that we were not a good match rather than an indication she would be unfaithful. I wouldn't beat yourself up for missing red flags as it's impossible to tell who is capable of cheating. It takes all sorts and some never get caught. I might have never found out if I didn't come here for advice and was warned about the red flags like gas lighting and projecting.
> 
> I justified separating because I wanted to set an example for my son. I couldn't see what was worse for him growing up with parents who didn't love each other or growing up in a broken family. I feel I made the right choice no matter how painful it was for my son. That was the hardest part because he cried a lot it was heartbreaking. But the good news is he seems a lot better these days at least as far as I can tell.
> 
> I found reading a lot of other stories on here helpful as a way to cope as I felt not alone and your situation is pretty terrible but not the worst I have read on here.


I think of your post at least once a week. You dont know how much you helped me. Thank you 🙏🙏


----------

