# Calling BF a loser.



## kate211982

I called my boyfriend a loser and weak about 10 days ago. I talked to him 4 days ago and he said he would be back yesterday or today "to talk." He has not called, emailed or showed up.


1. He's not a loser, he has a great job, etc....
2. I have insecurities and self esteem issues. (I even emailed him to tell him that I was the loser and I was FINALLY aware that I have insecurity issues and when I get upset, the name calling and lashing comes out of me.)
3. I would just like to speak to him to tell him that I will be getting therapy for this, for the anger issues.
4. We have had previous arguments, nothing too major though, so is this the last straw?
5. He told me this was very hurtful and has lost a lot of respect for the relationship and that he would be a fool to get back into it.
6. We have a WONDERFUL bond and communicate well, etc...


Will this be the end of him?


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## greenpearl

That's the worst thing for a woman to say to her man!

I don't know if he is going to forgive you or not for saying this. 

Well, you have learned your lesson.


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## greenpearl

I have to go to work right now. 

I will talk to you later if you want more advice!


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## RandomDude

^ Is it? The missus calls me that and other stuff all the time and more during our fights... I talk the same language... or maybe this is just an Aussie thing?


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## greenpearl

RandomDude said:


> ^ Is it? The missus calls me that and other stuff all the time and more during our fights... I talk the same language... or maybe this is just an Aussie thing?


No, only women who don't understand men say this kind of things!

Men want to be respected. Telling a man he is a loser can really drive a man away. No men like to be called that.


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## kate211982

RandomDude said:


> ^ Is it? The missus calls me that and other stuff all the time and more during our fights... I talk the same language... or maybe this is just an Aussie thing?



Are you and her doing it jokingly?

I totally didn't mean it, it just came up when I got upset with him


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## major misfit

OMG...I don't know if it's an "aussie" thing or not. I just know I'd rather cut out my tongue than let those words come out of my mouth. I wouldn't even say them jokingly. Sometimes even if you're joking, you run the risk of them thinking to themselves "does she REALLY think that about me"? 

I'm sure he's really hurt right now. He might be taking time to himself to just *think*. If I were you, I'd start a campaign (email, if you must) apologizing profusely. That's if he's not talking to you. If he is, you need to apologize verbally. And mean it. 

You need to get some help with your issues, though. I can't see any man putting up with that kinda treatment for long. I can just imagine the look on my SO's face if I called him a loser and weak. He would be DEVASTATED. As I'm sure your b/f is. He's had 4 days to think about it, now get to apologizing. And don't EVER let derogatory remarks about him come out of your mouth again.


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## MsLonely

greenpearl said:


> That's the worst thing for a woman to say to her man!
> 
> I don't know if he is going to forgive you or not for saying this.
> 
> Well, you have learned your lesson.


:iagree:

Never ever tell a man that he's a loser. I did tell my husband to f*** off you bastardo! He went right away to have an affair.

From that painful lesson, I learnt to respect my husband and not to hurt his ego.


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## kate211982

major misfit said:


> OMG...I don't know if it's an "aussie" thing or not. I just know I'd rather cut out my tongue than let those words come out of my mouth. I wouldn't even say them jokingly. Sometimes even if you're joking, you run the risk of them thinking to themselves "does she REALLY think that about me"?
> 
> I'm sure he's really hurt right now. He might be taking time to himself to just *think*. If I were you, I'd start a campaign (email, if you must) apologizing profusely. That's if he's not talking to you. If he is, you need to apologize verbally. And mean it.
> 
> You need to get some help with your issues, though. I can't see any man putting up with that kinda treatment for long. I can just imagine the look on my SO's face if I called him a loser and weak. He would be DEVASTATED. As I'm sure your b/f is. He's had 4 days to think about it, now get to apologizing. And don't EVER let derogatory remarks about him come out of your mouth again.


But if you think about it, its a WORD. And he knows he's not a loser by any means. I didn't cheat on the guy, I didn't steal something from him, I didn't abuse him. I didn't start using drugs, I didn't leave him for another man. When you love somebody, which we do, you get past things. He's hurt.


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## kidcanman

greenpearl said:


> That's the worst thing for a woman to say to her man!
> 
> I don't know if he is going to forgive you or not for saying this.
> 
> Well, you have learned your lesson.





greenpearl said:


> I have to go to work right now.
> 
> I will talk to you later if you want more advice!


that's not advice! that's just you trying to rub her face in the mud.


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## kate211982

kidcanman said:


> that's not advice! that's just you trying to rub her face in the mud.



yeah, that's what i'm saying!!! who are you green lady, queen and know it all of "talk about marriage"??:scratchhead:


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## ThinkTooMuch

If you said "you're a loser" to me, I don't think I'd bother saying goodbye, I'd grab my wallet & car keys, walk out the door and not come back. Then I'd set up a filter to delete your emails upon receipt and block your phone.

You don't see how deplorable your words are. I think you're young but that doesn't excuse this - sure kids say "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me", but the second phrase is wrong. If he called you w***e, s**t, and the like what would your reaction be? 

If its been four or more days since you've heard from him, you'll be lucky if you ever see him except when he is moving his belongings out.

Perhaps your arguments usually involve name calling, I think attacking one's lover this way is very damaging to the relationship and you need to find other ways to argue.

Before your next relationship begins think long and hard why you said this and its impact on him. 






kate211982 said:


> But if you think about it, its a WORD. And he knows he's not a loser by any means. I didn't cheat on the guy, I didn't steal something from him, I didn't abuse him. I didn't start using drugs, I didn't leave him for another man. When you love somebody, which we do, you get past things. He's hurt.


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## kidcanman

kate, don't worry about it.

people are jumping down your throat but they don't even know what the argument was about. for all they know your boyfriend might have said something that actually would justify calling him a loser.

in any event. i agree with you.

that kind of language towards somebody you love is uncalled for. but no doubt you used it in anger. you still love him.

likewise his retaliation is not appropriate when dealing with somebody he loves. One does not break ties with somebody they love just because that person spoke in anger.

but of course he is angry and hopefully he still loves you.

so you have nothing to worry about. if he really loves you then you just need to be patient and he will warm up to you again. then both of you will have the chance to communicate and resolve the issue.

this is a lesson for the both of you if you are able to reconcile and communicate.

if he does not want to reconcile then go find a guy who actually loves you and who is mature enough to understand what love means.


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## chefmaster

kate211982 said:


> yeah, that's what i'm saying!!! who are you green lady, queen and know it all of "talk about marriage"??:scratchhead:


Spiritually speaking GP is one of the queens of TAM 

She's always here to provide help and advice to people and technically she was right, she just didn't get a chance to finish what she was saying.

Go check out Making relationships work: The art of arguing

and all 3 pages of this article by 
CurtSmith

and let me know what you think.


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## major misfit

kate211982 said:


> But if you think about it, its a WORD. And he knows he's not a loser by any means. I didn't cheat on the guy, I didn't steal something from him, I didn't abuse him. I didn't start using drugs, I didn't leave him for another man. When you love somebody, which we do, you get past things. He's hurt.


Then why did you call him the WORD??? If you have all the answers, what are you doing here asking for OPINIONS for? I think I smell a coupla trolls.


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## major misfit

kidcanman said:


> if he does not want to reconcile then go find a guy who is mature enough to understand what love means.




Yes, by all means..go find a guy who lacks enough self esteem that he doesn't mind being called a loser and weak. MATURE people don't call someone they "love" derogatory names.


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## AFEH

kate211982 said:


> But if you think about it, its a WORD.



THE POWER OF THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD

Think about it. There’re many estranged brothers, sisters, son’s daughters based on the words spoken to one another. Sometimes those words haunt us.

And by saying it’s “only a WORD” you are minimising the impact on your boyfriend of the words you have spoken. That compounds, makes very much worse your original words. In other words you are trivialising what you have done to him.

If you were using a sword instead of words and broke his leg with it and he’s on the floor, you’re trivialising is the equivalent of jumping up and down on his broken leg.


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## greenpearl

kidcanman said:


> that's not advice! that's just you trying to rub her face in the mud.


I only had five minutes before I left to work. I didn't have time to say anything. And she made a very silly mistake, it is almost impossible to fix it. She'd better learn her lesson. Even if her boy friend comes back to her, he will never forget that. Some words should never come out of our mouths.


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## greenpearl

kate211982 said:


> yeah, that's what i'm saying!!! who are you green lady, queen and know it all of "talk about marriage"??:scratchhead:


Sorry that I didn't have time to give you more details. 

On a forum, we are not friends, we give direct advice, we are not afraid that we might lose you as a friend, we are not afraid that we might lose you as a customer, we don't make money from you. 

If you want honest advice, this is the best place for you. We help you understand yourself. 

I am here killing time!


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## F-102

Name calling is just like hitting. It means you have lost control, and failed to use other, more mature and constructive ways to adress a problem. 

My parents and older sister were champion name callers, and they wonder why I never call them and always come up with excuses to get out of family visits.

My wife and I do fight on occasion, but we NEVER call each other names. Name calling is just another form of abuse.

Your BF may come back, but don't expect things to be the same again.


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## franklinfx

That is not nearly the worst thing you could say to a man. 

The absolute worst thing a woman can say to a man is that his "D" is too small.
followed closely by, "i bet that guy big good looking guy over there could kick your ass"

That said people say all kinds of shi**y things when theyre mad. I would forgive for calling me a loser, if I thought you were just mad when you said it.


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## sisters359

I've had to think about this one. Honestly, I guess I have two thoughts:

First, those words came to your mind for a reason--with so many things you could have called him (horrible things, too), why were those the words you chose? I suspect that at some level you don't have a lot of respect for him. 

Second, if someone called me that, I wouldn't even be hurt. I have too much self-confidence, frankly, and I'd think, "Wow, does she ever have issues!" So, part of me thinks that if it really bothers him, he has some esteem issues to work out and he may be realizing you have little respect for him (see thought #1, above) and he has put up with it too long. So even when he gets over it, it may be that he has realized YOU have issues and he's not all that into you, now that he sees them. I don't say that to be mean; I say that to indicate how it may be that he is just walking away. If so, you can learn from this. But don't pursue him--let him know you are sorry and you will get help (as I think you said), but if he chooses not to wait for you to grow up, oh, well.


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## lime

The fact that he's a man doesn't mean that it's worse. From a female perspective, I would be equally hurt if my SO called me a loser. I think any form of name-calling can be hurtful and cause anyone--man or woman--to be upset.

It can be tough to get over being called names, but if you take proactive steps to prevent this behavior in the past, I think it's possible for him to forgive you. Personally, my SO and I have name-called like maybe 1 or 2 times during fights and it was really tough...But we forgave each other. I think what "helped" was that we were both guilty of doing this though and kind of agreed together to put a stop to it.

What I would hate though, and I mean absolutely _hate_ would be if either one of us withheld forgiveness for saying something immature and petty that we didn't mean. Name-calling means that we did lose control, as F-102 was saying, and that's a very bad thing to do in a fight. However, I think both of us can get very heated during fights and say things we don't mean. I would never want to hold against him that _one_ time he called me a name and immediately regretted it. What if we get married and 20 years from now, we're in our 40s and we get into an argument about chores or the mortgage...And I look at him and say "Well I _still_ can't forgive you for doing XYZ when we were 19 blah blah blah." Is that really any more mature than name-calling?

I think it takes time to recover and forgive, but those actions should take place naturally if you really care about each other. Holding petty grudges for petty actions can really damage a relationship.


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## kate211982

greenpearl said:


> Sorry that I didn't have time to give you more details.
> 
> On a forum, we are not friends, we give direct advice, we are not afraid that we might lose you as a friend, we are not afraid that we might lose you as a customer, we don't make money from you.
> 
> If you want honest advice, this is the best place for you. We help you understand yourself.
> 
> I am here killing time!





F-102 said:


> Name calling is just like hitting. It means you have lost control, and failed to use other, more mature and constructive ways to adress a problem.
> 
> My parents and older sister were champion name callers, and they wonder why I never call them and always come up with excuses to get out of family visits.
> 
> My wife and I do fight on occasion, but we NEVER call each other names. Name calling is just another form of abuse.
> 
> Your BF may come back, but don't expect things to be the same again.


Thanks for the information. When you say it won't be the same, what do you mean by that? Examples, perhaps? 

But you know, its been a total of 12 days since we have had this argument and he has come by once to grab some things and tell me that he will be back in 4-5 days to talk, well he hasn't called, shown up, email, etc....on the days he promised. It's christmas, we were suppose to spend it together and if I would have known he wasn't going to show up, I would have got a flight back home to my family who are 3,000 miles away, but no, I feel like he's playing this inhuman, torturous game with me. I apologized and told him in an email, (because, he doesn't have a phone), that I am willing to seek some extra help from somebody AKA therapy, to help me through the name calling and lashing out. I am ONLY human and I make mistakes and I feel if he doesn't forgive, not saying forget, but forgive me, then he never really even loved. I talked to my step-mom who has been happily married to my father for 13 years, she has told me there were some words lashed out at each other, that were never meant to hurt, but they got through it because they are in love. I mean, as a hole, I am great person. I listen, I'm compassionate, a good housekeeper, I can cook, I give great head, LOL!!!! I have a great job, I have a wonderful great supportive family. I just have some anger issues that I have to get through, because when I was little was fat and name called tremendously by family and friends. That's all. I would love your input. Thanks!

Kate


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## RandomDude

I agree with lime, name-calling is rather meh really

Not really something worth getting worked up upon and thinking about it past the hour or max a week


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## kate211982

lime said:


> The fact that he's a man doesn't mean that it's worse. From a female perspective, I would be equally hurt if my SO called me a loser. I think any form of name-calling can be hurtful and cause anyone--man or woman--to be upset.
> 
> It can be tough to get over being called names, but if you take proactive steps to prevent this behavior in the past, I think it's possible for him to forgive you. Personally, my SO and I have name-called like maybe 1 or 2 times during fights and it was really tough...But we forgave each other. I think what "helped" was that we were both guilty of doing this though and kind of agreed together to put a stop to it.
> 
> What I would hate though, and I mean absolutely _hate_ would be if either one of us withheld forgiveness for saying something immature and petty that we didn't mean. Name-calling means that we did lose control, as F-102 was saying, and that's a very bad thing to do in a fight. However, I think both of us can get very heated during fights and say things we don't mean. I would never want to hold against him that _one_ time he called me a name and immediately regretted it. What if we get married and 20 years from now, we're in our 40s and we get into an argument about chores or the mortgage...And I look at him and say "Well I _still_ can't forgive you for doing XYZ when we were 19 blah blah blah." Is that really any more mature than name-calling?
> 
> I think it takes time to recover and forgive, but those actions should take place naturally if you really care about each other. Holding petty grudges for petty actions can really damage a relationship.



But you know, its been a total of 12 days since we have had this argument and he has come by once to grab some things and tell me that he will be back in 4-5 days to talk, well he hasn't called, shown up, email, etc....on the days he promised. It's christmas, we were suppose to spend it together and if I would have known he wasn't going to show up, I would have got a flight back home to my family who are 3,000 miles away, but no, I feel like he's playing this inhuman, torturous game with me. I apologized and told him in an email, (because, he doesn't have a phone), that I am willing to seek some extra help from somebody AKA therapy, to help me through the name calling and lashing out. I am ONLY human and I make mistakes and I feel if he doesn't forgive, not saying forget, but forgive me, then he never really even loved. I talked to my step-mom who has been happily married to my father for 13 years, she has told me there were some words lashed out at each other, that were never meant to hurt, but they got through it because they are in love. I mean, as a hole, I am great person. I listen, I'm compassionate, a good housekeeper, I can cook, I give great head, LOL!!!! I have a great job, I have a wonderful great supportive family. I just have some anger issues that I have to get through, because when I was little was fat and name called tremendously by family and friends. That's all. I would love your input. Thanks!

Kate


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## kate211982

lime said:


> The fact that he's a man doesn't mean that it's worse. From a female perspective, I would be equally hurt if my SO called me a loser. I think any form of name-calling can be hurtful and cause anyone--man or woman--to be upset.
> 
> It can be tough to get over being called names, but if you take proactive steps to prevent this behavior in the past, I think it's possible for him to forgive you. Personally, my SO and I have name-called like maybe 1 or 2 times during fights and it was really tough...But we forgave each other. I think what "helped" was that we were both guilty of doing this though and kind of agreed together to put a stop to it.
> 
> What I would hate though, and I mean absolutely _hate_ would be if either one of us withheld forgiveness for saying something immature and petty that we didn't mean. Name-calling means that we did lose control, as F-102 was saying, and that's a very bad thing to do in a fight. However, I think both of us can get very heated during fights and say things we don't mean. I would never want to hold against him that _one_ time he called me a name and immediately regretted it. What if we get married and 20 years from now, we're in our 40s and we get into an argument about chores or the mortgage...And I look at him and say "Well I _still_ can't forgive you for doing XYZ when we were 19 blah blah blah." Is that really any more mature than name-calling?
> 
> I think it takes time to recover and forgive, but those actions should take place naturally if you really care about each other. Holding petty grudges for petty actions can really damage a relationship.





RandomDude said:


> I agree with lime, name-calling is rather meh really
> 
> Not really something worth getting worked up upon and thinking about it past the hour or max a week


It's been 12 days!


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## kate211982

MsLonely said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Never ever tell a man that he's a loser. I did tell my husband to f*** off you bastardo! He went right away to have an affair.
> 
> From that painful lesson, I learnt to respect my husband and not to hurt his ego.


So, he had an affair, did he come back?


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## kate211982

major misfit said:


> Yes, by all means..go find a guy who lacks enough self esteem that he doesn't mind being called a loser and weak. MATURE people don't call someone they "love" derogatory names.



Yes, but we all make mistakes, we are human.


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## RandomDude

Guess you just hit him close to home... Sorry I just woke up from looooooooong nite and feel like in a bit of a hangover yet I didn't drink...

He didn't say anything back? What exactly happened really?


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## greeneyeddolphin

While it is only words, words can often hurt much more than being stabbed with a knife. 

While he knows he is not a loser, now that you have called him that, he doesn't know that you know he's not. The word came out of your mouth, which means it was on your mind. If it was on your mind in that moment, he will always wonder if it is on your mind. 

The best advice I can give you is to apologize, to tell him you said it in the heat of anger. Explain that you do not really feel that way, but that it was a word that came to your mind when you were looking for something to say. Tell him you know it was immature and that it hurt him, but that you really didn't mean it and you will work hard to never repeat that mistake again. 

Then, whether you two work things out or you move on, I would work on not doing that again. Name calling and throwing insults during an argument is not at all productive, and leads to bigger problems, as you have discovered. Work on gaining some skills that will help you communicate during an argument so you don't feel like you have to resort to name calling and insults.


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## RandomDude

To be honest he sounds like he's just trying to 'punish' you with the silent treatment really, but thats just my impression


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## AFEH

kate211982 said:


> Yes, but we all make mistakes, we are human.



Maybe your particular mistakes were enough, for him, to drive him away from you.

You do sound like you've made a habit of those mistakes and maybe over time, history, he just doesn't feel like he looks good in your particular eyes and mind no matter what he does for you.

Just about top on any man’s lists of fundamental needs, not wants, from a relationship is to be appreciated. Your habits obviously have the opposite effect. So it is very likely that he is not getting even his most fundamental need out of a relationship with you.

It's called how we "experience a person over time". He may well now be thinking something like “I know now and fundamentally believe she is never going to appreciate who I am”.


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## lime

kate211982 said:


> It's been 12 days!


Hm, then I think 12 days is too long and an overreaction.

He is taking advantage of the fact that you messed up, and he's kind of milking the situation for all it's worth. I do think that you hurt him and need to apologize, but you did that already (and to me at least it seemed very sincere). I can understand that he would need space, maybe a couple days even, but this is just going overboard...Either he is really, deeply hurt, in which case he does have extreme self esteem issues, or he's being passive aggressive.

Personally, I wouldn't have the patience to put up with this behavior lol!! I can be very impatient with this sort of act and might have even started another fight by this point (NOT recommending this!) But from my perspective, I never run away and shut out my SO when I'm upset, or ignore him until he buys me flowers, etc. Some girls do this. I think it's immature, selfish, and manipulative. If he did this to me, I would be shocked because he's generally a very fair person who will communicate how/why he was upset so we can fix it. I do think there is a certain amount of "penance" that we must perform to redeem ourselves from the bad action. But for the partner who was hurt, demanding inordinate amounts of this penance is cruel and petty.

If you've been guilty of this behavior in the past, I'm sorry, but it's kind of like payback for your actions. If you haven't done anything like this, then my best advice is to tone down the apologizing and contacting if possible...Let him know that you're sorry, but don't encourage his sulking or he'll keep reveling in feeling like a victim. If he does have severe self esteem issues, however, I suggest that you try and get him help or some form of counseling. The goal here is to get back on the same "side" so you can work together to solve the problem. I don't know enough about you or your boyfriend to know whether he does have these issues with self esteem or not...If not, I would suggest a small dose of "tough love," meaning make it clear you won't keep apologizing forever, but that you are in fact very sorry and won't do it again. When he comes around, welcome him happily--don't shut him out as a form of payback, but also don't fawn over him and act overly grateful that he's deigned to forgive you.


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## lime

AFEH said:


> Maybe your particular mistakes were enough, for him, to drive him away from you.
> 
> It's called how we "experience a person over time". He may well now be thinking something like “I know now and fundamentally believe she is never going to appreciate who I am”.


Very great point that I didn't even think of!

If this was enough to push him away, then his distance is not a way to "punish" you but a way to ease himself out of the relationship. 

You know better than any of us which option is more likely.


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## kate211982

chefmaster said:


> Spiritually speaking GP is one of the queens of TAM
> 
> She's always here to provide help and advice to people and technically she was right, she just didn't get a chance to finish what she was saying.
> 
> Go check out Making relationships work: The art of arguing
> 
> and all 3 pages of this article by
> CurtSmith
> 
> and let me know what you think.





atruckersgirl said:


> While it is only words, words can often hurt much more than being stabbed with a knife.
> 
> While he knows he is not a loser, now that you have called him that, he doesn't know that you know he's not. The word came out of your mouth, which means it was on your mind. If it was on your mind in that moment, he will always wonder if it is on your mind.
> 
> The best advice I can give you is to apologize, to tell him you said it in the heat of anger. Explain that you do not really feel that way, but that it was a word that came to your mind when you were looking for something to say. Tell him you know it was immature and that it hurt him, but that you really didn't mean it and you will work hard to never repeat that mistake again.
> 
> Then, whether you two work things out or you move on, I would work on not doing that again. Name calling and throwing insults during an argument is not at all productive, and leads to bigger problems, as you have discovered. Work on gaining some skills that will help you communicate during an argument so you don't feel like you have to resort to name calling and insults.



Thank you so much for your advice. You know what, acknowledging that I have a anger problem is a big deal to me and I am willing to seek help.


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## kate211982

lime said:


> Very great point that I didn't even think of!
> 
> If this was enough to push him away, then his distance is not a way to "punish" you but a way to ease himself out of the relationship.
> 
> You know better than any of us which option is more likely.





AFEH said:


> Maybe your particular mistakes were enough, for him, to drive him away from you.
> 
> You do sound like you've made a habit of those mistakes and maybe over time, history, he just doesn't feel like he looks good in your particular eyes and mind no matter what he does for you.
> 
> Just about top on any man’s lists of fundamental needs, not wants, from a relationship is to be appreciated. Your habits obviously have the opposite effect. So it is very likely that he is not getting even his most fundamental need out of a relationship with you.
> 
> It's called how we "experience a person over time". He may well now be thinking something like “I know now and fundamentally believe she is never going to appreciate who I am”.


That's a good point. Last time we spoke, he said he needed time....


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## reachingshore

As I understand it - you called him a loser in a middle of a heated fight?

I can understand his hurt, but 12 days may be a bit too much (assuming his problem with you is only about the name calling).

Here is the thing - if you really don't think of him as a loser, why did you say it? Because the word was on the tip of your tongue?

Very rarely, when my husband got really worked up in a fight (happened maybe 3-4 times throughout our marriage) he shouted whatever he wanted to say and spiced it up with epithets. My reaction: "Whoa, wait a minute. Why are you calling me this? Do I ever call you "son of a b*tch"? No! You know why? Well, I don't consider your mom to be a b*tch." In effect my husband calmed down completely (no shouting) and we went from there to the issue at hand. And no, I did not take his name calling personally.

Assuming you have anger issues only in this name calling department, I really don't see a point in counseling. Just _understand what it is you say_ - yes, even in a middle of a fight: quarrels have a point to them, so stick to the issue at hand.


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## F-102

I admit, 12 days with NC is extreme, but I totally understand why he feels like staying away. He probably has been thinking, and doing some deep soul searching. Perhaps he was verbally abused as a kid, and he sees that it is happening with you, so he is probably considering whether or not to stay with you. He may be thinking: "Okay, now she calls me a loser, what happens later? Will she disrespect me in front of our future kids? Does she bad-mouth me behind my back? Will she, one night in a drunk state, make fun of the size of my manhood? Will she meet someone who she thinks is a 'real man', and sleep with him, because her BF is such a loser?"

I know, my imagination is wild, but these things are probably being considered by him now. Is this the 1st time you ever called him a name, or is it a recurring thing? Does he call you names?


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## kate211982

F-102 said:


> I admit, 12 days with NC is extreme, but I totally understand why he feels like staying away. He probably has been thinking, and doing some deep soul searching. Perhaps he was verbally abused as a kid, and he sees that it is happening with you, so he is probably considering whether or not to stay with you. He may be thinking: "Okay, now she calls me a loser, what happens later? Will she disrespect me in front of our future kids? Does she bad-mouth me behind my back? Will she, one night in a drunk state, make fun of the size of my manhood? Will she meet someone who she thinks is a 'real man', and sleep with him, because her BF is such a loser?"
> 
> I know, my imagination is wild, but these things are probably being considered by him now. Is this the 1st time you ever called him a name, or is it a recurring thing? Does he call you names?


First time I called him names. He has called me retarded and bag of rocks before and we have had some arguments before. Actually, the bag of rocks was from this last argument. 

He had a great childhood! You know, he works A LOT. He works nights, he could work 24 hour shifts. He's trying to get a house, but things keep falling through. His financial situation isn't the best right now, as we hardly go out to eat or do anything. He lost a lot of money on foreclosures, he owns properties. I've been really supportive through this whole thing and on top of it I've been going through being really sick, recovering bulimic, I lost my step father back in May, who I was close to and my gma just passed 2 weeks ago. I don't know, I just thought he could get through this and maybe it's better if we both are separated from each other? But come on, telling me you would do something and don't do it? I am devastated, to say the least.


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## MsLonely

kate211982 said:


> First time I called him names. He has called me retarded and bag of rocks before and we have had some arguments before. Actually, the bag of rocks was from this last argument.
> 
> He had a great childhood! You know, he works A LOT. He works nights, he could work 24 hour shifts. He's trying to get a house, but things keep falling through. His financial situation isn't the best right now, as we hardly go out to eat or do anything. He lost a lot of money on foreclosures, he owns properties. I've been really supportive through this whole thing and on top of it I've been going through being really sick, recovering bulimic, I lost my step father back in May, who I was close to and my gma just passed 2 weeks ago. I don't know, I just thought he could get through this and maybe it's better if we both are separated from each other? But come on, telling me you would do something and don't do it? I am devastated, to say the least.


Since your relationship has gone pretty bad, you need to decide what to do next. 

I'd love to share a bit of my thoughts:

When you respect your man, your man would respect you back.
When you name calling him, he would name calling you back.

So it's normal.

Things are always much easier if I only need to be a supportive wife when my husband is in his good days. The fact is, life isn't always easy.

So it's always much more difficult if you need to be a supportive girlfriend when he's in his bad days. He needs to be there for you when you're in your bad days. 

I guess you're both very young. 

You want to take good care of yourself well, so you know how to take care of others.

"Keep your options open!", "Don't rush into any serious relationship!" I always tell my teen daughter these. Maybe I can also share them with you.


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## kate211982

MsLonely said:


> Since your relationship has gone pretty bad, you need to decide what to do next.
> 
> I'd love to share a bit of my thoughts:
> 
> When you respect your man, your man would respect you back.
> When you name calling him, he would name calling you back.
> 
> So it's normal.
> 
> Things are always much easier if I only need to be a supportive wife when my husband is in his good days. The fact is, life isn't always easy.
> 
> So it's always much more difficult if you need to be a supportive girlfriend when he's in his bad days. He needs to be there for you when you're in your bad days.
> 
> I guess you're both very young.
> 
> You want to take good care of yourself well, so you know how to take care of others.
> 
> "Keep your options open!", "Don't rush into any serious relationship!" I always tell my teen daughter these. Maybe I can also share them with you.


he's 31, i'm 28, so we aren't so young anymore...thanks for the advice.


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## MsLonely

kate211982 said:


> he's 31, i'm 28, so we aren't so young anymore...thanks for the advice.


Same. As long as you're single, it's better not to rush into serious relationship until you're sure. 

It's better to keep your option open.

If you're 28 already, you sound a bit immature to me, because you seem not knowing how to take care of yourself.


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## Atholk

kate211982 said:


> He's trying to get a house, but things keep falling through. His financial situation isn't the best right now, as we hardly go out to eat or do anything. He lost a lot of money on foreclosures, he owns properties. I've been really supportive through this whole thing and on top of it I've been going through being really sick, recovering bulimic


If you're in the middle of actually losing some battles, having your wife/gf call you a "loser" means she isn't on your side. It just makes you step back and reassess everything that's been going on in the relationship up until now.

Men are very concerned about winning and losing. So calling him a loser is about = to calling him a failure as a man.

Perhaps the similar level of insult to a woman would be calling her "unfit to be a mother".


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