# husband gets mad if i won't give him bjs



## confusedandlonely84 (Jun 29, 2014)

we have been married for 5 yr and have a little girl who is 3. please help me understand my husband's behaviour. he has always been a fan of bjs and i was ok with giving them because i wanted to satisfy him and make him happy- and i loved him (not really sure that i do anymore). when he wants a bj he just says "get over here". i have to do it, if i refuse, the nightmare starts...
He withholds sex and affection, he refuses to help me with household duties, he picks up fights: nothing is good anymore, the house is not clean enough, the foods is not ok. He starts with the name calling, yelling all in front of our child. he also tells her: "you see how bad your mother is, she doesn't love us, she wants to tear this family apart". belive me it's hearbreaking for me! He would lock himself in the room with our kid and won't let me in. When i try to enter, he screams to leave them alone...my little girl is already turned against me. When i don't let her get her way, she tells me she doesn't love me!! If 2 days pass and I don't give in to my husband's request, he picks up a fight again and during the argument he gets violent: he slapped me 2 times, shoved me but nothing more serious. So, I always give in and I started to hate bjs and I also started hating him. i don't understand him, because i give him bjs, but when i feel like it, not when he asks for it! I must perform when he wants it and if i dare to say no the story from above unfolds. I tried to talk to him, to explain that i also need affection, hugs, kisses, but he just doesn't want to listen. He tells me if I don't like it, to pack my stuff and get out (it is his house). i am so hurt, i feel used and unloved, please help me understand why does he do this....I want my daughether to have a father, but I cannot take the humilliation anymore...


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He's an abuser. Get out.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> He's an abuser. Get out.


:iagree:

What your husband is doing is serious abuse, both emotional and physical.

What he is doing with the bj's is he's purposely using them to debase, humiliate and hurt you. It's only going to get worse. This kind of situation seldom if ever gets better.

You do not have to leave your home. It does not matter if it's "his house". It's your home. However moving out might be the right choice.

How long did he own the house before you married him?

If he's been making payments on the house, doing repairs, etc after you married him then in most states you own 50% of the equity of the home that grew since you married him.

Do you have a place that you can move to as an alternative solution?

Do you have access to money or does he control all money and assets?

Do you have a job?


----------



## confusedandlonely84 (Jun 29, 2014)

i have place to stay, i have a well-paid job.
the only problem is my my fear/anxiety of being alone and also i want what is best for my child- i wanted a father for her and a family
i have been together with my husband since i was 22, he is also my first lover- so hard to let go...


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He's an ass. Divorce him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

When I first read the title of the thread I was about to just come in here and respond with "Uhhh duhhh!!!!! Ofcourse he gets mad".

But your title should read "Husband loses his mind, physically abuses me, and emotinally abuses me and my daughter when I don't give him BJ's".

I'm not a huge fan of telling a woman to leave a marriage at their first post in this forum. You're an exception. Nothing good can come from this behaviour.


----------



## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Wow, what does he do when a real problem come up? That's truly extreme behavior.


----------



## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Do you earn more than your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## confusedandlonely84 (Jun 29, 2014)

yes...


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

People shouldn't "get mad" about not getting bj's or being gone down on. That does make it sexy or desirable. Throwing fits and tantrums is what children do and I don't make love to children. Gross. I like to do all sorts of things in bed...bjs included but if he ever "got mad" because I didn't drop all the things and give him a bj, well, he could try to do it to himself. Cry baby.

OP, Your husband is just plain abusive. Sexually and mentally/emotionally and physically. Get out.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

confusedandlonely84 said:


> i have place to stay, i have a well-paid job.


Good. Then you have options right off the bat here.


confusedandlonely84 said:


> the only problem is my my fear/anxiety of being alone


Do you have extended family and friends?
You will not be alone. You have a daughter. 
What he’s doing to you is a form of rape. Any kind of force sex is rape. Are you really willing to put up with constant rape because you have never lived on y our own? Are you willing to put up with being mistreated so that you have anyone around you regardless of how he treats you? Stop and think about this for a few minutes. How many times are you willing to be debased, raped, verbally abused and beat just to have an abusive person live with you?

It does not matter if he “only” hits you once is a while. Rape is always an act of violence. He uses the threat of violence to get you to do what he wants. No wonder you do not want to give bjs and are falling out of love with him. These are normal, healthy reactions. The unhealthy reaction you are having is that you will not protect yourself and your daughter by leaving him.

You are suffering from battered person/spouse syndrome. It’s a subcategory of PTSD. Please do some web searches and read up on the topic so that you understand. 

Battered person syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia



confusedandlonely84 said:


> and also i want what is best for my child- i wanted a father for her and a family


This is not what is best for your child. What you are doing by staying is letting him abuse her. Yes he’s abusing her. Every time he hurts you, he’s hurting you. When he locks her in a room with and teachers her to disrespect and hate you, he’s abusing her. He’s basically trying to deprive her of the love of her mother. Putting hate and disrespect in a child’s heart is a form of abuse. Further, this man is sexually abusing you. He’s raping you on a regular basis. Do you really know what he’s doing with your daughter when they are locked in a room? I would not trust a man like this with a small child. 

The next time he tries force you to give him a bj, refuse. As he escalates into violence dial 911. Make sure that your home address is the response address for your cell phone. Call your cell provider so that they can help you set up the address. Just leave your cell in the call while he threatens you, hits you or whatever he’s going to do. When you do this, you do not yell, call names, etc., do not touch him in any way. All you do is to keep telling him to leave you alone, get away from you and that you refuse to give him a bj. This is not setting him up because if he chooses to be abusive, that’s his choice/action.

The next time he locks himself in the room with your daughter, you knock and politely ask him to open the door. If he refuses, call 911 and tell them that he’s locked himself in the room with your daughter, refuses to let you and is yelling some pretty vile stuff. Let them hear/record what he’s doing/saying. They will send the police. This is not a good situation. IT’s abusive of your daughter. But you are so caught up in you being hurt that you don’t even see the harm it’s doing to her.

The police will show up and remove him from the house. You can ask for a restraining order and that he not be allowed to return to the house. Then file for divorce.

There is a very good reason to get the police and courts involved. Your husband needs to be forced into getting mental health care and into taking anger management classes. He has serious anger/behavior problems that need to be worked on. You need to force this with him so that his abuse of your daughter does not escalate.

You did not answer about how long he’s owned the house. Check with a lawyer because you are most likely 50% owner of it no matter whose name is on the deed and/or loan. And, because it’s your legal residence and your child’s home you can petition the court to let you live there at least until the divorce if final. You can ask to live there until your daughter is 18, you remarry, or you decide to move… whichever comes first. Who knows, maybe you could refinance the home in your name. Or he buys out your portion of the equity. There are options here.



confusedandlonely84 said:


> i have been together with my husband since i was 22, he is also my first lover- so hard to let go...


Stop thinking of it like “oh he’s my first”. Take a look at reality. He’s abusing you and your child. Your daughter depends on your to protect her. But instead of protecting her you are allowing her to witness all this hate/anger. You are allowing her to be abused. Put your focus on her. Take it off yourself. Be the mother lion who fights for the wellbeing of her child.

ETA: and see an attorney ASAP to find out your rights. Then find a counselor who specializes in domestic abuse/violence and spousal rape.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And I wouldn't want him around my daughter...even if he was her father.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

confusedandlonely84 said:


> yes...


What % of your joint income do you earn?


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

This is terrible. Nobody should have to live in this environment.

you'll be leaving sooner or later, so the sooner the better.

be careful though. when you announce your leaving and call his stupid bluff, he will try to sweet talk you into staying and act all nice.
ACT all nice, but it will be an act.

you are one of the lucky victims. one who has the wherewithall to leave.

I'm very sorry. I know it's hard to leave. I was in an abuser situation. I cried when she left. I was lonely. It took a few months but best thing that ever happened.


----------



## confusedandlonely84 (Jun 29, 2014)

aboout 70%, oh and I forgot to mention he gambles


----------



## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

He must be very sweet in front of others or more very insulting especially in front of your friends and colleagues?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

confusedandlonely84 said:


> aboout 70%, oh and I forgot to mention he gambles


Geez, what are his good qualities?

How many hours a week does he work?

Please see an attorney as soon as possible. If you stay married to his guy much longer you will also be stuck with having to pay him alimony. Think about that.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Often times people do not leave a bad situation because they are living in such emotional pain and turmoil that the task of leaving is much too hard for them to deal with.

So the way to handle this is to create an exit plan. then you work the exit plan. With this approach you only have to think of one thing at a time, one small task. It's a lot more doable.

Then after a period of time you have so much behind you that ending the bad relationship just happens.
Here is a link to one that I found doing a google search. Dr. Phil.com - Advice - An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

To this I would add:

Find counseling at a domestic violence organization. They are specifically equipped to handle this kind of situation.

Get an appointment with an attorney and get your strategy in place. File as soon as you can.

Call 911 as I described in an above post to get a record of the abuse. This will be important I the divorce because you will need a restraining order. You will also need to have backup for restricting his time with your daughter until he has completed a lot of counseling. You will also need to ask the judge to make him move out of the house. You have to establish that it’s not safe for him to live in the same house with you. 

If you use a joint bank account right now open accounts in your name only. Have your pay go directly to your account. You pay all the bills. Do not give him any money at all. Let him even buy his own food. You only take care of yourself and your child.

Make copies of all legal, financial and personal papers and store them in a safe place away from your home: Like at the house of a friend or family member. If you have nowhere to keep them, rent a storage place. Or you can scan it all in and put the copies on the cloud, on a memory device, etc.

Move valuables, like your jewelry to a safe place as well.

Do you have anyone in your real life how knows what’s going on? Find one or two people who can be a support system for you.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you paint him as some sort of monster. I would sure like to hear HIS SIDE OF THE STORY.

Lets face it, if you have been giving him BJs, and you want some justification to stop...you are treading on thin ice. Stop the BJs and don't be surprised if he divorces you or finds another woman who WILL do them for him.

How about working a little on communications between the TWO OF YOU. He might be appearing to demand you to "come over here" because he thinks you are ignoring him sexually. Is that the case? if so, you BOTH were at the scene of the crime. Work it out.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes because his withholding sex, affection, refusing to take responsibility for his share of household chores, yelling at her, insulting her, threatening her and hitting her is so going to make her want to have a sex and give bj's. 

He has the right to want a good sex life. He does not have the right to physically hurt her and threaten her to get anything.... nothing justifies this.


----------



## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Eject, Eject, Eject .. free yourself from the torture.

Listen to EleGirl. I can't add much, just want to say that the advice EleGirl gives you is what you need to hear.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> you paint him as some sort of monster. I would sure like to hear HIS SIDE OF THE STORY.
> 
> Lets face it, if you have been giving him BJs, and you want some justification to stop...you are treading on thin ice. Stop the BJs and don't be surprised if he divorces you or finds another woman who WILL do them for him.
> 
> How about working a little on communications between the TWO OF YOU. He might be appearing to demand you to "come over here" because he thinks you are ignoring him sexually. Is that the case? if so, you BOTH were at the scene of the crime. Work it out.


Seriously? That's your advice to someone who is being slapped and pushed around? Yes, we don't know HIS side of the story, but her side seems pretty damn serious. 


OP you need to get out. Now. You have the means to do it. If you want something better for your daughter, you need to get her out of that situation. Immediately.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Geez, what are his good qualities?
> 
> How many hours a week does he work?
> 
> Please see an attorney as soon as possible. If you stay married to his guy much longer you will also be stuck with having to pay him alimony. Think about that.


So I agree with Ele. You know pretty much always. But in this case, I would also advise you seek the counsel of your local abuse shelter. Get information and counsel from them about the safest way to leave an abusive home.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

murphy5 said:


> you paint him as some sort of monster. I would sure like to hear HIS SIDE OF THE STORY.
> 
> Lets face it, if you have been giving him BJs, and you want some justification to stop...you are treading on thin ice. Stop the BJs and don't be surprised if he divorces you or finds another woman who WILL do them for him.
> 
> How about working a little on communications between the TWO OF YOU. He might be appearing to demand you to "come over here" because he thinks you are ignoring him sexually. Is that the case? if so, you BOTH were at the scene of the crime. Work it out.


She would be lucky if he left and did not abuse her. 

But I do think you should stop. If he leaves, count yourself lucky. If he stays then pick up your self-respect before you pack your things and get out. Let him find some other woman to service him.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

confusedandlonely84 said:


> my little girl is already turned against me. When i don't let her get her way, she tells me she doesn't love me!!





confusedandlonely84 said:


> I want my daughether to have a father, but I cannot take the humilliation anymore...


Put these two statements together. You want your daughter to have a father who teaches her that tantrums, threats and abuse are the way to get what you want in life? What kind of daughter do you want to end up with??


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You do NOT want a man like this around your daughter. You do not have the right to subject her to this. She'll grow up and find herself in the same situation. Do you want that for your little girl?

You are living in domestic violence. You need to get out. NOW.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

confusedandlonely84 said:


> i have place to stay, i have a well-paid job.
> the only problem is my my fear/anxiety of being alone and also i want what is best for my child- i wanted a father for her and a family
> i have been together with my husband since i was 22, he is also my first lover- so hard to let go...


The best thing for your child is to get her AWAY from this man. I have a nasty gut feeling there could be sexual abuse from him in the future for her, if it isnt happening already. Stop the romanticizing of him and get the hell out NOW.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> He's an abuser. Get out.


:iagree:

Your daughter may very well need a father, but not *THAT* father.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> you paint him as some sort of monster. I would sure like to hear HIS SIDE OF THE STORY.
> 
> Lets face it, if you have been giving him BJs, and you want some justification to stop...you are treading on thin ice. Stop the BJs and don't be surprised if he divorces you or finds another woman who WILL do them for him.
> 
> How about working a little on communications between the TWO OF YOU. He might be appearing to demand you to "come over here" because he thinks you are ignoring him sexually. Is that the case? if so, you BOTH were at the scene of the crime. Work it out.


:scratchhead:


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: Re: husband gets mad if i won't give him bjs*



murphy5 said:


> you paint him as some sort of monster. I would sure like to hear HIS SIDE OF THE STORY.
> 
> Lets face it, if you have been giving him BJs, and you want some justification to stop...you are treading on thin ice. Stop the BJs and don't be surprised if he divorces you or finds another woman who WILL do them for him.
> 
> How about working a little on communications between the TWO OF YOU. He might be appearing to demand you to "come over here" because he thinks you are ignoring him sexually. Is that the case? if so, you BOTH were at the scene of the crime. Work it out.


WTH is this about? You seem to be projecting.


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

yeah leave him yesterday, for you and your kid's sake


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Especially for your daughter!!!!


----------



## khaleesiwife (May 9, 2014)

Please leave this man. Leave him quietly. Have him served with an Order of Protection at his place of employment so you are safe. On that day while he's at work, leave. Go somewhere he can't find you or your daughter or he will hold her hostage to get you to stay. I believe you already know how wrong he is or you wouldn't be posting here. It is NEVER okay for your Husband (or anyone else for that matter!) to hit you. Even if it's on rare occasions and even if it didn't hurt. For a man to physically abuse you says a lot about his character and how he values you. He doesn't care about you or he wouldn't hurt you. Simple. He doesn't care about his relationship with his daughter either if he would hurt her Mother. As for the BJs, that is a privilege. That is a reward for being an awesome Husband. He doesn't deserve that or you! As for the person that posted about HIS side of the story.. as soon as he put a hand on you his side of the story became negated. He has forfieted the option to be married to you. Get your baby and some courage and leave this man or the next time it won't just be a slap. You have shown him that his actions don't come with any consequences by staying the last two times he struck you. My heart is bleeding for you and your daughter! Please take the advice on this forum. Don't wait until it gets so bad you have to run unprepared. Plan an exit stategy and please be safe. Good luck to you. Please update us so that we know you are safe!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

khaleesiwife said:


> Please leave this man. Leave him quietly. Have him served with an Order of Protection at his place of employment so you are safe. On that day while he's at work, leave. Go somewhere he can't find you or your daughter or he will hold her hostage to get you to stay.


confusedandlonely84, do not move out with your daughter unless you have a court order allowing you to.

Let me tell you why I say this. In 1993 I left my abusive hsubnd with our 3.5 year old son because he was, well being abusive. I had a lawyer who told me to do this. As she put it, a restraining order does not protect anyone. So while he was at school I packed up my stuff, my son’s stuff and moved to an apartment. My husband was served divorce papers at school (he was in medical school). The papers he was served said that there was a court hearing in 5 days.

We he got an attorney who had a lot of clout. The judge was known to be an ass hat. His attorney called an emergency meeting so we were in the judge’s champers within 24 hours. My H denied the abuse. I had never called the police so I had no proof. The judge also said that since my H is a doctor we cannot have accusations of abuse in the public record and she sealed the divorce papers. The judge gave my H 100% custody of our son. She told me that I cannot just unilaterally move our child out of the family home.

Now my attorney had been practicing law for a long time in town so surely she knew what to expect. But this judge is known to be unpredictable. So I fired my attorney and moved back in with my husband. I dropped the divorce. I refused to leave a young child with a father who abused him. I did tell my H that form there on out if he did anything violent I would call 911. 

I lived with him for 3.5 more years until I felt I had a case built that would stand up in court. I also had to make sure that he would let me leave with our son. That was 3.5 years of abuse that I could have done without. Yes H stopped the most violent behaviors. He knew how to keep the abuse just this side of something that could really get him in trouble. So at least it was not as bad as before. But it was bad enough.

Please be a lot smarter than I was. Call 911 and get a record of what’s going on. Then get a restraining order that removes him from the house. Then file for divorce. You need to do this in a very smart way. For the sake of your daughter you need to get on record that her father is abusive and what he does. 

Please also start seeing a counselor at a domestic abuse organization. They too can help you get a record of the abuse.

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder), keep it out of site but record his angry outbursts, his forcing bj’s on you and anything else that goes on. This is all for your and your daughter’s defense. You have to fight for your daughter right now. In doing this you will be fighting for yourself as well.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

In the 23 (?) years I have been with my wife she has never given me a BJ of been anywhere near that region with her mouth.

That and her general attitude (dislike) to sex and point blank refusal do 'try' or meet half way and her attitude of 'why should I do something I think is disgusting' etc (how about because of the pleasure it gives someone else..??) has made me very resentful towards her.

But I do not abuse her mentally or otherwise. That is wrong and dangerous.
What the OP's husband is doing is tantamount to rape. Forcing her to do something sexual she doesn't want to do.

I agree with many of the posters here - leave asap.
But I also appreciate that leaving is alot easier said than done.


----------



## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

OP.

This husband of yours probably suffers from very low self esteem.
You earn substantially more than him. He resents that.

He is relying on a very sick and demented way in which he can insult you. This makes him feel good about himself.
In fact this is the only way he can feel good about himself.

Overtime he will think less and less of you as a person. As he becomes older he will continue to resent you. He will become creative in finding worse and worse things for insulting you.

GET OUT NOW.

He is a sick sad man.


*Does he have any compromising pictures or movies of you.
Please check his computer and phone when he is not around. *


----------



## confusedandlonely84 (Jun 29, 2014)

im_tam said:


> OP.
> 
> This husband of yours probably suffers from very low self esteem.
> You earn substantially more than him. He resents that.
> ...


He keeps his computer and phone blocked with a password. This behaviour started after I returned to work- I also think he is jelous of me. I also suspect cheating, but I am not sure. I once was able to enter his gmail account and I saw he had an account on a dating site. Actually, it was more than a dating site, it was for those looking for sex. He also received a message on his phone that for sure was an automatic sms- it was a send from a short no (eg. 1121). It was something like" hi honey, I miss you, miss your touch etc etc. The type of message one receives if one calls hotlines.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Emotional abuse is almost the perfect crime.....there are no bruises, broken bones, black eyes etc.
But, it is very often worse than physical abuse.

Bruises fade, bones mend, black eyes heal.....emotional and mental abuse is far more destructive and takes far longer to heal.
Its also far more difficult to prove.

In my time I have attended many domestics. Unless there is physical evidence of abuse it makes things very difficult for the police....even more so if the victim is frightened of the 'abuser' and is not prepared to give a statement etc.

If the OP wants help, there is help out there and she will be safe but she has to want it and has to go 'along' with it. Its not easy.


----------



## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

In reading this, it does sound abusive and dangerous.

Does he truly understand he is hurting you or does he believe he is hurting you WITH your consent. Is it part of his game that he mistakenly believes you are participating in? Do you have a safe word?

I only ask, because you keep participating in this activity which you say you dislike. If you don't like it, unless he is holding you captive and has a weapon to you, the answer is simple. You leave! 

You have your own job, your own income, so keeping food on the table and a roof over your little girl's head are not at stake here. Your safety is. 


Please, stay safe.


----------



## khaleesiwife (May 9, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> confusedandlonely84, do not move out with your daughter unless you have a court order allowing you to.
> 
> Let me tell you why I say this. In 1993 I left my abusive hsubnd with our 3.5 year old son because he was, well being abusive. I had a lawyer who told me to do this. As she put it, a restraining order does not protect anyone. So while he was at school I packed up my stuff, my son’s stuff and moved to an apartment. My husband was served divorce papers at school (he was in medical school). The papers he was served said that there was a court hearing in 5 days.
> 
> ...


This is very good advice. Having a record of the abuse will help you tremendously. She also posted that he is trolling sex sites. To me this adds a substantial amount of abuse. Not only is he physically abusing you but he may be endagering your life by giving you an STD that you can't walk away from. If ever there was a time to leave this relationship.. seems like yesterday! But Clip Clop is correct in giving you advice to have sufficient documentation of the abuse before you leave if at all possible. My worry is just that it will get so much worse before you have the opportunity to do so. Violence never has a time card. It's usually unexpected and unwarranted.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

{where_are_we - be forwarded, I'm not picking on you here. Love your post and am elaborating to try to emphasizes points to Confusedandlonely84.  }



where_are_we said:


> In reading this, it does sound abusive and dangerous.
> 
> Does he truly understand he is hurting you or does he believe he is hurting you WITH your consent. Is it part of his game that he mistakenly believes you are participating in? Do you have a safe word?
> 
> I only ask, because you keep participating in this activity which you say you dislike. If you don't like it, unless he is holding you captive and has a weapon to you, the answer is simple. You leave!


Surely you are aware of what is called abused spouse syndrome. It’s far too real. A person gets stuck in this way of thinking/feeling. It often takes quite a bit for the person to come to terms with the fact that they are being abused, that it’s not their fault and that they can get away from their abuser. It’s often hard to tell when a person is the victim and when they are fully aware of what is going on and become an enabler/participant.

My take is that your post is an attempt to tell the OP what the line is between victim and enabler/participant. She would benefit greatly by going to counseling and learning a lot more about this. A safe word is a good idea … however I get the impression that this is so far beyond where a safe word will work.



where_are_we said:


> You leave!


Actually she might not be able to “just leave”. I posted above what happened when I just left. I did it with the advice of an attorney on the best course of action. It back fired because I ended up with a judge who was known for making wild a$$ unpredictable decisions.

The fact is that she cannot just leave with her daughter because her husband can fight this and prevent her from moving their child out of the family home. If her husband fights her removing the child from the family home and she leaves, she has to fight for visitation. He will most likely maintain custody.

She can ask him to leave the family home but she cannot make him leave the family home without a court order and/or a PO and proof of abuse. It’s his legal residence as well as hers and he has the right to live there. She also cannot afford to take the chance that her husband ends up with primary custody of her daughter. As I said above, I ended up spending 3.5 years longer in an abusive relationship to protect my son while I built the case that I did not have the first time I tried to leave.

Confusedandlonely84 has a lot of work to do to either move out with her daughter or to get her husband forced out of the family/marital home. She needs to consult with an attorney. She needs to get counseling at a domestic abuse organization. This called building her support system and making an exit plan. 

Having been through this myself it’s a very hard thing to go through when you are already emotionally and physically exhausted. It’s even harder when a person does not have a good support system in real life with family and friends. (I felt that while I had a large family [7 siblings] I could not lean on them too much. And my mother would have gone into battle like Joan of Arc to fight for me but that was not fair to do to her.)




where_are_we said:


> You have your own job, your own income, so keeping food on the table and a roof over your little girl's head are not at stake here. Your safety is.


:iagree:


where_are_we said:


> Please, stay safe.


:iagree:


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

khaleesiwife said:


> This is very good advice. Having a record of the abuse will help you tremendously. She also posted that he is trolling sex sites. To me this adds a substantial amount of abuse. Not only is he physically abusing you but he may be endagering your life by giving you an STD that you can't walk away from. If ever there was a time to leave this relationship.. seems like yesterday! But Clip Clop is correct in giving you advice to have sufficient documentation of the abuse before you leave if at all possible. My worry is just that it will get so much worse before you have the opportunity to do so. Violence never has a time card. It's usually unexpected and unwarranted.


:iagree:


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

confusedandlonely84,

How's it going with you today? I'm checking in because I'm concerned for you.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Your H is emotionally, physically and sexually abusive and you need to leave before he damages your children further.

If you don't have the means to leave with your children, contact your local women's centre and have them help you form a safe exit plan. They will also help you with the legal side of things.

Things are not going to get better, IMO, and you need to protect both your children and yourself from this man.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

confusedandlonely84 said:


> He would lock himself in the room with our kid and won't let me in. When i try to enter, he screams to leave them alone.


As others have said you are being abused, I am also worried about your daughters welfare as well. I hope you carefully consider the advice offered by EleGirl and khaleesiwife.

I wish you all the best, I hope you are ok.


----------



## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

*


confusedandlonely84 said:



i want what is best for my child- i wanted a father for her and a family

Click to expand...




EleGirl said:



He’s abusing you and your child. Your daughter depends on your to protect her. But instead of protecting her you are allowing her to witness all this hate/anger. You are allowing her to be abused. Put your focus on her. Take it off yourself. Be the mother lion who fights for the wellbeing of her child.

Click to expand...

*
What is best for your child is to get her away from an abusive father. You have a preconceived idea that having a mother and a father together makes a happy family unit but you are wrong. An abusive father will psychologically (and possibly physically) damage your daughter for the rest of her life. She is only 3 so if you leave now, she won't even remember the abuse she has witnessed and already experienced. You can save her. 

Do not let your fears put her at further risk. If you can't do this for yourself, do it to protect her. She is already showing abusive behavior toward you because she is copying his treatment of you. She still has her whole future ahead of her as a loving, generous, affectionate little girl, but if you stay in this marriage, her future is as a hateful bully, possibly dealing with sexual, physical and emotional abuse from her father and hating you for not protecting her. Please, leave. 

Just because he is her father does not mean that he won't make her fulfill his sexual demands at some point too..it is how he feels powerful. Please, leave, as soon as you can possibly organise all the legal stuff suggested here.


----------



## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> He's an abuser. Get out.





Married but Happy said:


> He's an abuser. Get out.





Married but Happy said:


> He's an abuser. Get out.





Married but Happy said:


> He's an abuser. Get out.


I know we like to add color commentary, but this thread was over with this response. Your husband sounds dangerous.


----------



## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> {where_are_we - be forwarded, I'm not picking on you here. Love your post and am elaborating to try to emphasizes points to Confusedandlonely84.  }


Not taking this as being picked on. I agree with your comments as well. I am aware of the abused person syndrome and understand it is real. 

Yes you are correct my point has been to point out that she has the choice to no longer be the victim. 

She just needs the empowerment to stand up and not take it anymore.....Before she gets in the situation where food, shelter and imminent safety become the biggest issue.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> The best thing for your child is to get her AWAY from this man. I have a nasty gut feeling there could be sexual abuse from him in the future for her, if it isnt happening already. Stop the romanticizing of him and get the hell out NOW.


I, too was concerned when she says he locks himself in a room with the daughter.

Regardless, she does NOT need a male role model like this - is this what you want for YOUR daughter in a marriage? If not, get out - you deserve happiness as much as she does. She will not have a better life living every day like this.

I lived a similar life (not with BJs but sex in general). It is MUCH better out and I found out he had a personality disorder by petitioning the courts for a psychological evaluation for parental fitness. It's the only way to force someone to see a psychologist but it's amazing for closure when you realize they are sick and there would never be any change and it wasn't you, it was HIM.

Make your exit plan and follow it.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The long term damage to your daughter will be there forever. The only choice is to reduce its impact by making it a small proportion of her childhood.

Most kids in this situation grow up getting unloved by both parents -- the abuser for obvious reasons and the non-abuser, for failing to do their job and protect them.

That kind of child is ripe pickins for every other abuser on the planet. They can't trust their parents and yet they still have the need to be loved and nurtured. Guess whose radars go off when kids with those kinds of holes inside them come around? 

This is the time to be brave.

It sucks that your daughter will likely fight you on this because she has been conditioned. However, you have to resist the urge to give in. You are the adult with an understanding of things that she cannot yet possess. 

Parenting is tough enough without an ******* like your husband being so twisted. 

By the way, get a voice activated recorder. I don't give a rat's ass that people will tell you it might be illegal. This is for your own protection. It shows what you are dealing with. Documentation is a lot stronger than your word. Inadmissibility in court be damned. Interestingly, if you were to heaven forbid record your own murder it might very well be ruled admissible.

I'm just using that as an example. I do not think that is even in the realm of possibility for you.

Evidence is also great for leverage.

Abusers thrive on control. When you can prove that what you say is true their control is diminished. Having something on them can be a means to rebalance things.

All that said, I do not think divulging the existence of such evidence is good unless you have to. Anything you have that makes your case stronger should be held close. Information is power. Don't give them more power.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some states VARs are legal with only on person in the conversation agreeing to being recorded. Others are two-party (or all party) consent states. In most two/all-party states a recording is ok if it is used to record something like abuse.

Me? I would be a video camera in the room where he locks himself in with the child. It's just no good at all that he's doing this.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I would never trust an adult who did this, male or female.


----------



## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

confusedandlonely84 said:


> we have been married for 5 yr and have a little girl who is 3. please help me understand my husband's behaviour. he has always been a fan of bjs and i was ok with giving them because i wanted to satisfy him and make him happy- and i loved him (not really sure that i do anymore). when he wants a bj he just says "get over here". i have to do it, if i refuse, the nightmare starts...
> He withholds sex and affection, he refuses to help me with household duties, he picks up fights: nothing is good anymore, the house is not clean enough, the foods is not ok. He starts with the name calling, yelling all in front of our child. he also tells her: "you see how bad your mother is, she doesn't love us, she wants to tear this family apart". belive me it's hearbreaking for me! He would lock himself in the room with our kid and won't let me in. When i try to enter, he screams to leave them alone...my little girl is already turned against me. When i don't let her get her way, she tells me she doesn't love me!! If 2 days pass and I don't give in to my husband's request, he picks up a fight again and during the argument he gets violent: he slapped me 2 times, shoved me but nothing more serious. So, I always give in and I started to hate bjs and I also started hating him. i don't understand him, because i give him bjs, but when i feel like it, not when he asks for it! I must perform when he wants it and if i dare to say no the story from above unfolds. I tried to talk to him, to explain that i also need affection, hugs, kisses, but he just doesn't want to listen. He tells me if I don't like it, to pack my stuff and get out (it is his house). i am so hurt, i feel used and unloved, please help me understand why does he do this....I want my daughether to have a father, but I cannot take the humilliation anymore...



Forget about tying to understand why he does those things. You need to understand why you stay with someone who does those things to you. As long as you stay in a relationship like this you make it ok for him to do what he does. 

If you leave him why won't your daughter have a father ? Will he not want her if you leave ? If so why do you want your daughter to have a father like that ? If you are married the house is not his , it is a marital asset. Even if it isn't why do you want to live there under those conditions. 

You need to get you and your daughter out of there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

