# Loss of passion/attraction



## justwantshappiness (Jun 11, 2013)

I am a 30 year old woman who has been with her husband for 10 years. We got married almost 3 years ago. When we were engaged, my husband got drunk and cheated on me. He told me the very next day and I found him bawling his eyes out. Instead of me being upset and sad, I felt like I had to be strong for the both of us. I had to set rules such as we have to eat, we aren't allowed to mope around anymore, no more crying, etc.. to get us through those tough days. That day was the worst day of my life because I never felt more alone. I didn't know who could tell because my husband is not that type of man and I did not want people to think bad about him. But that action has pretty much killed my spirit and has made me a different person. When people ask what the best day of my life is.. I don't say my wedding day. It's a pre-cheating day. I decided that we should move on and get married a year later. However, I have been unhappy ever since. I feel like I have outgrown this relationship and my needs are different. I'd like someone to take control for once so I don't have to "wear the pants in the relationship". I am pretty sure I lost the attraction to my husband the day he cheated. I have no desire to have sex with him and there is absolutely no passion in our relationship. I have tried discussing this before but nothing ever changed. We just separated a month and a half ago. He loves me more than anything in the world, would do absolutely anything for me and is an amazing man but I'm just simply not happy. We also tried counseling a couple years back. I am not in love with him anymore and it makes me feel guilty that he loves me so much more. I feel like he deserves someone who will love him just as much or more. It's also tough because there are few people that actually know his mistake so it makes me look like the bad guy with this separation. However, I am not going to throw him under the bus and I never use it against him.

So I guess my questions are... do I just move on? I feel like I have already given up. Is it honestly possible to get that passion and attraction back with what he did to me? I can't possibly see what another counselor could tell me to change my mind. Any feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated. I really just want to be happy again.


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## justwantshappiness (Jun 11, 2013)

I forgot to mention that my husband is truly my best friend but I do not feel like his wife. This past month and a half has been fairly easy for me and it makes me realize how miserable I was. Also, I feel a huge sense of relief that I no longer have to pretend that I am happy to my family members.


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## candy12 (Apr 22, 2013)

I have a very similar story to you - my husband got very drunk and cheated on me (also told me the next day bawling his eyes out) while we were married and had been for 10 years. I forgave him, but I might have just been saying that and never really forgave him, because I handled it in a very stupid manner by having an affair. We both would have been better off if I just left him then because I created many more problems and solved none. Since it seems you've tried to make it work and are not having success, and especially since you are saying you are not in love with him anymore, are miserable with him and happier while separated, I would just move on at this point.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Sweetie, I really feel for you. I don't know of one person in my life who hasn't been in your situation. Meaning, being with a person who is such a wonderful person but that "it factor" is missing. 

I know you feel that you need a good excuse to leave so that you can explain it to others. The good news is -- you don't have to. What happens behind your front door is no ones business. If anyone presses just tell them that you think your husband is a wonderful man but you two are just not meant to be together as husband and wife. 

I know that what happened all those years ago was very painful and you married him because he showed true remorse and regret. But if there are other things in the marriage that caused you to lose respect for him, such as him not taking more control, and you no longer have that loving feeling -- then yes, it's time to let him go. Especially if you are happier being without him. You would be doing both of you a favor. Unfortantely it will take him longer to realize that.  

Personally, I have never been able to get attraction back for someone once I lost it. Even if it was years down the line and they changed either emotionally or physically. I know others, however, that have been able to rekindle that passion but I am not one of them. And it's ok if you are not one of them either. You can't force something that is not there. 

My advice for you right now is to remain separated. And you never know.... you may wake up one day and realize you really miss and yearn for him. However, if you know for a fact that moving on would be the best for both of you, then better to get things started sooner rather than later. 

I wish you both the best.


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## justwantshappiness (Jun 11, 2013)

Thank you so much for your feedback. It's nice to hear other's opinions who aren't emotionally connected to my husband and I. Another thing that is difficult is that I still want to get married again and start a family. However, I am 30 now and I feel the pressure that I need to start having children soon. It just adds extra pressure that I really don't need right now.

I'd love to hear what others think as well.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

You need to leave him and tell him why. Own your mistake in marrying him in the first place. It is clear that you have regretted that. It is not your fault that you lost attraction, but it is your fault for marrying him without that attraction.

You both deserve to be married to someone that you love and who loves you. Do it for both of you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

JWH, it sounds like your reaction caused a lot of problems. Neither of you has actually dealt with the matter since it happened. Instead, you swept it under the rug and made bunches of rules that don't allow the two of you to just be yourselves. 

Leaving is an option, of course, but you'll take trust issues with you as you go forward in your life if you don't find a way to deal with the fact that he betrayed you and you did not find a way to get over it. 

You wrote: "So I guess my questions are... do I just move on? I feel like I have already given up. Is it honestly possible to get that passion and attraction back with what he did to me? I can't possibly see what another counselor could tell me to change my mind. Any feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated. I really just want to be happy again." 

My answer to you would be that it's not up to a counselor to fix your marriage. It's up to the two of you. It will never come back if you aren't receptive to it, and it won't come back without some changes. But if you're willing to get honest with yourself and each other, it can. You have to be willing to be vulnerable again, though.


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

Sorry your here. All the more reasons why committed people shouldn't put themselves in a drunken environment with the opposite sex. The "I was drunk" excuse wouldn't make it ok for me either.


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