# Shocked - would like someone to talk to!



## Wifey71 (Jan 23, 2013)

My History: I've been married 15 years, 2 kids, 5 years ago caught H having a cyber relationship with someone (Found a photo of her on his phone), but I believe they never met, I spoke with her and she said it was 'nothign serious, a bit of fun, no harm ment!' (easy for her to say!) but 2 years ago, I found him registered on a sex site, which I forgave, I have a very low SD and partly blaimed this, but it was only ever over the internet/mobile phone, no actual physical contact.

Now: A couple of days ago I found a message on facebook from another woman, calling my husband names and threatening to phone him at 4pm in the afternoon! I confronted my H with this, I was very calm, didn't shout or cry, but I knew he was upto something a married man shouldn't be. He got really upset, burst into tears, told me it was over, he had finished it a few weeks ago, New Year resouloution! he loved me and realised it was wrong and he didn't want to hurt me (Bit Bl**dy late!) but he had met her and had sex on one ocassion, but did other things another couple of times with her, it was purley sex, no relationship, no love, but had been going on for about 8 months! My life fell apart! I don't even know where to start, he says he'll do anything I want him to, but I don't even know what that is yet, I do love him and he is a good father, but I don't know if I could ever touch him sexually again, I have had sex with him since he was with her (he promised he wore a condom!) but I have first and formost got him to go to the STD clinic, awaiting results!. I feel disgusted, stomach churning revolt to him touching me.

I believe he has been honest he has answered every question I have asked however much the answer hurt me! He says he wants to make it work, I feel stupid for 'forgiving' the cybersex if this is where it has led, will these feelings get better? would be great if there was someone out there who has experienced similar to talk to............


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I went through much worse with my husband of 20 plus years. However, my husband chose to leave, felt no remorse, and destroyed at least five people's lives. There is hope for you. It may be wise for you and your husband to see a marriage counselor to get through this.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why do believe anything he tells you right now?? He's a proven liar and a cheater. Until he comes totally clean to you and starts demonstrating he deserves to be trusted, take everything that comes out of his mouth as a lie.

And by demonstrating, I mean gives you full, unhindered and total access upon demand to his phone, emails, computer, credit card and bank statements, EVERYthing.

And stop having sex with him!!!! Why on earth do you want to do something that makes you feel so horrible? Make him give you those STD test results in writing too.

You cannot believe a word he says right now.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

:iagree:

He needs to *prove *that he has changed - not just say it, and that will take time. 

Yes, don't have sex until those results come in.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes. STD testing is sensible as there is still a risk -though somewhat lessened- of STD transmission even with the use of a condom.

I hope you can get through this in the way that is best for you and your children.

You have already made one very wise decision. You came to TAM. You'll get all the help you might need as we have all been through what you are going through one way or another.


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## Wifey71 (Jan 23, 2013)

He told me he had deleted everything, but the message she had sent him was of a scorned woman, 'What Happened?' 'I'm fuming, gonna call you' etc. My husband rarely cries, but just sobbed, he has given me control of everything, all his passwords to everything, I have her email address and phone number, which was not on any of his accounts, but she owns a salon and from her name and where she lived and the million of questions I asked. He says she is married and he never ever had any intention of leaving me or his children, it was just sex.
And I won't touch him until I see the results in black and white!


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## Wifey71 (Jan 23, 2013)

I'm just desperate to find a light at the end of a tunnel, somewhere......
Has anyone felt like this, he was a virgin when we met, and that was something I always loved abut him, maybe I have a problem with this more than others, but I feel he has been contaminated, diseased, how do you get over that?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Tell her husband.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You may never get over it. Many BS's divorce their WS because they can't stand the thought of being married to them.

Give it time. Don't make any decisions right now. Monitor him and see how he acts.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Do you believe that he only had sex with her once in an 8-mo. affair?


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Do you have people in your real life that you can go and talk to, like right now? Parents? Friends? A counselor of some kind - a priest or whatever? You need someone who can help and support you right now, and it would help if they were close by, and in physical contact.


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## Wifey71 (Jan 23, 2013)

would that solve anything? she has a very disabled son, She needs to tell him, not me I think!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're in shock and the thought of your H actually being your H is hard for you now.

If you're going to deal with it and stay together, you need to know everything that you're dealing with. You need the truth. If you read threads here you will find that the lying and the trickling of truth by the cheating spouse is almost the biggest obstacle to dealing with the affair and the pain.

I don't believe at all that you have the truth yet. Since your H sounds contrite, you may have a chance of getting it from him and you should try.


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## Wifey71 (Jan 23, 2013)

I told my best friend, but she's asleep now and I'm always worst at night, but has had a completely different senario and has the attitude of 'jump on him, claim your stake!' which I can't do, as I said I have had sex with him, since he slept with her (as I didn't know!) but now I know I feel disgusting!
I do believe they only had sex once, but met 2 other times, he had an serious accident in the middle of it and could drive for quite a while!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wifey71 said:


> would that solve anything? she has a very disabled son, She needs to tell him, not me I think!


Please read the newbie link in my signature. Exposure is a very sure way of stopping an affair in it's tracks. If her husband doesn't know what is going on , he cannot help put a stop to it. The fact she has a disabled son is totally irrelevant here - SHE cheated WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!!!! Doesn't that piss you off?????


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## Wifey71 (Jan 23, 2013)

I feel more sad than angry, but that just might be the shock! and disgusted!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Wifey71 said:


> I'm just desperate to find a light at the end of a tunnel, somewhere......
> Has anyone felt like this, he was a virgin when we met, and that was something I always loved abut him, maybe I have a problem with this more than others, but I feel he has been contaminated, diseased, how do you get over that?


With counselling and a great deal of time.

I have a sort of different perspective on this. My wife had an affair and I had a stupid revenge affair so I have been were you are and were your husband is. Even down to the scorned screaming woman. (It transpired she had targeted me as a suitable spouse for a very long time, but even so I regret she got hurt.)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Wifey71 said:


> I feel more sad than angry, but that just might be the shock! and disgusted!


When my wife had her affair I felt no anger, just awful sadness. A lump in my chest. Horrible, horrible feeling.

But, 15/16 years later, we are still together.


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## Wifey71 (Jan 23, 2013)

Thank you MattMatt you are the first person who has given me hope.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Wifey71 said:


> Thank you MattMatt you are the first person who has given me hope.


Glad to be of help.

There are several things you can do. Divorce and move on. Divorce and remarry him, or stay with him but ensure he and you get proper counselling that does not involve an equal share of blame. Because it's not your fault. 

If one partner in a marriage has a low sex drive that can't be fixed by medical intervention then the other partner just has to tend to their own needs by themselves. If you see what I mean.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Your husband is a serial cheater.
You busted him years ago cheating - at least - online (that you know about)
Years later caught again trolling for more. Again "nothing happened". You rugswept it again.
Now you caught him again, again by chance, he's feeding you a bunch of lies (one time in 8 mo, really?, is it what adults do, with his story?). You are already choosing to rugsweep it again.

The odds is this only the to if the iceberg. Most affairs go undetected, you busted him years ago so he managed to hide it better. That simple.

Tell her husband, demand a full disclosure of all his betrayal since you met and then demand poly to back up his disclosure.

Sorry friend, serial chetaers rarely change. Even "one time cheaters" rarely change if the don't have to face consequences. His MO is hiding it better, instead of facing the mirror and challenge himself.

I see no hope becasue I don't see you capable of being strong enough to demand respect as you should. You will keep him no matter what.

ETA
Why you titled you thread "shocked"? What is going on was more than predictable.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Your husband is a serial cheater.
> You busted him years ago cheating - at least - online (that you know about)
> Years later caught again trolling for more. Again "nothing happened". You rugswept it again.
> Now you caught him again, again by chance, he's feeding you a bunch of lies (one time in 8 mo, really?, is it what adults do, with his story?). You are already choosing to rugsweep it again.
> ...


:iagree:

I don't think you have the truth at all. He was hiding this extremely well for 8 months. He is good at hiding it.

You should press for the truth.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

Press for truth, go all 180, and EXPOSE!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

You need to expose the affair to OW's husband. Otherwise, she will find a way to sweet talk your hubby into screwing her again. 

This is a must!! Would you have wanted someone to tell you your hubby was cheating 7 months ago? The married partner has a right to know they are being betrayed and cheated on. Just sayin


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Everything Acabado said is right. Unfortunately the worst is likely yet to come based on the information you gave us and the patterns we have come to identify on TAM. You need to evidence gather and put the full story together. He will only tell you what he knows you know. That's how cheaters operate.

Read this newbie link ASAP. It helps you understand what you are going through and can expect: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

I think what helped me the most aside from reading the newbie links was realizing that I didn't have to make a decision right away after finding out about my husband's infidelity. That was something my sister told me when I first cried my heart out to her. I honestly was so shocked and forcing myself to think of what to do. She made me realize that it was time to grieve and not to act. It seriously takes a couple months to even begin to start reflecting on your emotions and what you want to do. 

Now is not the time to decide if you want to reconcile or divorce. Now is not the time to decide when you will be able to be intimate again. Now is about you. First you need to process what happened. You need to grieve. You need to go through the fury. 

But that doesn't mean ignoring what happened in your husband's presence. If you ball your eyes out in his presence that is okay. If you are stone cold that is better. Just don't agree to "staying together" before laying down the conditions. It's okay to say you are not sure what you want at the moment. Do not beg him to stay! You need time to properly think out the conditions of reconciling. It will not be easy for you or your husband. But TAM has lots of info on how to reconcile and how you will be setting the terms moving forward.

The thing is, right now you are utterly shocked and I know the feeling. It is so very awful and it feels like the world just stopped turning and you are falling down an endless pitch black hole. 

Hope seems out reach. But it will return after you go through the necessary stages of grief. Research the stages of grief. Be prepared for major bursts of anger like you've never experienced before (e.g. recklessly breaking things even if you are an easygoing and nonviolent person). 

I am so very sorry you are here. Nobody deserves such cruelty. The one who is supposed to be there for us has stabbed us in the heart in the worst way. Hang in there wifey. Share your pain with us. Share your story. Consider buying some books on dealing with infidelity. Again, my heart goes out to you.


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