# My time is my own....



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

I tried to engage my husband last night in a conversation about the lack of sex in our marriage. (We've been married 15 years, very little sex from the beginning, and yes he is otherwise healthy adult male) 

It boiled down to two points--1) He says his time should be his own. He says that from the time he gets up in the morning to the time the kids are in bed he feels like he is at the beck and call of everyone else. His boss, his customers, his mom, his friends, my and the kids. When the kids go to bed around 9pm he feels that is his time and he resents me wanting sex at this time. He says around 9pm he has already decided what he wants to do for the night--play his online games and/or watch a movie. That is his frame of mind and he just is not in the mood for sex. 

Second point--he doesn't think it is fair of me to ask him to change, that he does not need sex to express love or to feel emotionally close to a person. He feels that spending time together, talking and just living in the same house is enough for him and doesn't know why that can not be enough for me. 

I don't really know what to do at this point. He says he will try to be more open to having sex, but he will not be the one to start it. If I want it he will try to not turn me down, and try to have sex twice a week. But part of me feels kind of like this is just something he has to check off his "to-do" list. 

I just feeling so hurt and confused right now.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You too have a real gender reversal in the way sex is treated.

I am sorry he thinks of everything after 9 p.m. as "his" time. And not including sex in marriage? Um, he is shortchanging you and himself.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

wow it bothers me reading threads like these....So many men out there would kill to be in his shoes right now....

you can surely sympathize with a lot of men out there. it certainly sounds like sex just isn't something that is all that important to him. 

At least you've talked to him about it. He now knows his wife isn't satisfied. This should matter to him if he is a good man. I would suggest being patient right now. See if things get better. Have you done anything to try to spice up sex? (I would probably only suggest minor things at this point, like lingerie...don't want to shock him with anything extreme  )

Be respectable of "his time." Personal time is something that is important if he feels all of his other time he gives to others. There certainly should be some time for you in there too. It may start off feeling like a to-do list for him, but again, I would suggest patients and be happy that he is at least making the effort.

He also should understand that while Quality Time may be his language of love, it is not yours. Have you read The Five Languages of Love?


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

I have not read the entire book about the Five Languages of Love, but I have read about them on line and when we went to counseling this last time our therapist had material from it. 

I think there is something to it, and agree that people express love differently, but my hubby disagrees. His words was that it was "bunk psycho-babble".


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Does your husband even acknowledge the deprivation he is causing you?


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

michzz said:


> Does your husband even acknowledge the deprivation he is causing you?


He does, but only to a point. He understand that I want it, but he doesn't understand that I need it. I'm not sure but I think he feels I'm being overly dramatic about it. He doesn't see the need so he doesn't understand how I need it. 

But does the low libido spouse ever acknowledge the deprivation they cause?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't think they really ever do.


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## confusedfella (Jul 5, 2010)

sailorgirl said:


> I have not read the entire book about the Five Languages of Love, but I have read about them on line and when we went to counseling this last time our therapist had material from it.
> 
> I think there is something to it, and agree that people express love differently, but my hubby disagrees. His words was that it was "bunk psycho-babble".


I've read the book and learned alot. Just not sure how to implement the methods. I took the quiz at the end to determine my love language, which is physical touch. My wife says of course, you want sex all the time. But it's not just sex. She took the quiz and all 5 languages came in within 2 votes of each other. She speaks in all 5 languages. That scares the crap out of me. 

We've also struggled with the frequency of sex. I either wait till she wants it, ask for it and she gives me "pity sex" and I feel like I'm forcing her to do it and she gets nothing in return, she caves in and then tells me she's glad we did it, or she flat out tells me no. I know no one should force their spouse to have sex, but is there such a thing of doing it because of love for their spouse not nesseccarily because they are in the mood?

Sorry, but form a man's view I've got nothing.


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