# Pregnant/Hurt/Confused



## ladybug891989 (Jun 30, 2013)

Because I only have a few friends I really trust I need others opinions. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, We recently got married September 22nd 2012 so almost a year ago. We have a 3 year old daughter and a 17 month old son. I am also currently 38 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child. My husband has a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage. In the beginning we struggled with this because they divorced on bad terms and she used his daughter a lot to get back at him. We eventually got through it and since she lives in Minnesota we get his daughter every summer and Christmas. 

When my husband and I started dating I was 17 year old and he was 22 years old. At the time he was smoking weed and for a 17 year old it didn't really bother me. After a while I started to disapprove of it because I felt it was time for him to become a man. He told me he could quit no problem. So he did. Well I have caught him twice within our 6 years still smoking. The last time I caught him he came clean and said he lied to me the whole time and that he never stopped. So he has been lying to me for 6 years about smoking weed. So that also means he was lying about where the money was going or where he was going sometimes when he went to get it. Now I have another lie I came across recently. My husband has always agreed that he felt the same way I did when it came to porn and men watching it by themselves jacking off. This is something I find disgusting and can not put up with. It brings my confidence level waay down and I don't want to live my life feeling like I wasn't enough. In the beginning of our relation he already tried to change my eating habits and said he was used to dating "smaller" people. Anyway, one day he took my phone to work and because he didn't know how to use it he left the sites he was looking at on my phone. The sites I found was porn sites. I then got curious and looked through his phone where I found more porn sites. Of course he lied and said someone else did it and even got upset at me for blaming him. He went so far as to tell me he would find out who has been using him phone by watching the cameras in the building. Every now and then I would get an update on who he thought it was. I finally got him to admit that it was him. However I was still under the impression that it was just a couple of times. Well last night I brought it back up and got him in another lie about how often he was doing it. He told me he has always done it and just deleted his history so I could never find it. He did it a lot more when he used to work 3rd shift than he does now since he is back on 1st shift. 

I haven't been able to touch him since I found out the lies. No sex, I am always mean, and I feel like I am falling into a depression. I know that I am pregnant and have crazy hormones right now but I have no trust for my husband and I am scared its not going to come back this time. He says he will do anything to make it better but our relationship had been though so much I'm afraid I'm just going to continue to be unhappy. Ive told him hes just not the person he said he was and we are completely different people. I said once the baby was born that I wanted a divorce. Ive always said I never wanted to be that person and I cry everyday when I think about my poor kids having to go through it. My son is a HUGE daddys boy and I just want a happy family but I feel like my husband is not the one I fell in love with. Am I making a big deal over nothing?? Help!


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## ladybug891989 (Jun 30, 2013)

Any advice?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Well you definately have some issues to work out with him. First and formost is honest communication....not porn and not the weed. Not that those are not issues because they are...but first start with the bigger issue why does he feel the need to hide things from you and not just be honest. The porn..does he have some sexual desire or need that your not meeting? Have you asked him why he was masterbating instead of coming to you for his needs? The weed...if he is bored I am sure you can find somethi g to accupy his time..if he has time for that he has to much time on his hands....just my two cents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybug891989 (Jun 30, 2013)

I did ask him about why he watches the porn. I also told him how it makes me feel unwanted. He just said it was something he always done. He said he knew it was bad, just not bad to where it will grossly affect ones emotional attachment to another. The reason he hid it all from me was because he knew I would get upset if I found out. The fact that he has been lying to me for 6 years bothers me more than the fact that he smokes weed still I think. I mean that bothers me too but if you can lie to someone that long about something that stupid what else are you hiding or willing to hid? That's how I look at it.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Well that is the point....I was making. Look at tjos way. Ad s mother you kids are going to do yhings you don't agree wit h but you want them to come to you always want them to feel like they can come to you and ask questions or talk to you right. So depending on how you react the first time junior comes to you and tells you he cheated on a test or told a lie or stole a piece of gum or looked at a piece of porn will havw a lot to determine on whether he comes back to you the next time. Your husband is a lot the same... let him know you are disappointed in his behavior and how it makes you feel. Let him know you would prefer he come to you if he has sexual needs that need met. Are you turning him away when he requests sex....is he using this as a stop gap between times with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybug891989 (Jun 30, 2013)

I do understand what you are saying and I do turn him away now because I feel disgusted with him. But I never did before....I mean I have the same old story to where our love life started out great and happened often but slowed down after a while. When the kids came so fast and so close together there was a lot of complications during my pregnancy that didn't allow us to have sex. I don't feel like this gives him a reason to turn to porn. He should be supportive and a good husband. I mean I suffered through it too but I would never think of porn. He did blame me and said I started out opened to trying new things and now I just like to have sex 2 ways. Which I feel like slowly through time he has given me more of an confidence issue by looking at women so I am not as confident in the bedroom anymore.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I understand how most women refer to sex as slowing down due to life getting in the way ect... The thing is men and women are not the same in this area....women and men both need intamacy in a relationship to feel connected no matter how busy life gets. For women intamacy is starts with communication.....for men it starts with the physical. Intimacy is ssex is not a nice to have for grown married male it is a basic need. I understand that life gets busy and children need you but if your not taking care of his needs ....who or how do you expect him to take care of them. My big guy is 53 yrs old and he has to have sex every 3 days or his balls ache from "blue balls". As his wife ...I want to take care of him...I want to please him and make sure his needs are met....and if he needs release I want him to ask me first.

So you didn't want him to use porn, but you didn't want to have sex either because of complications. Did you try alternatives like hand jobs or blow jobs or anything? Did you just expect him to go without?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybug891989 (Jun 30, 2013)

It's not that I "didn't" want to have sex because of the complications....It was only because the doctors told me not to. and yes I did substitute for blow jobs. However it was never returned to me because he didn't like to give me blow jobs while I was pregnant. It grossed him out. I didn't expect him to go without but I also don't except him to find his release from looking at other women.


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## mgtowman (Jun 1, 2013)

ladybug891989 said:


> Because I only have a few friends I really trust I need others opinions. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, We recently got married September 22nd 2012 so almost a year ago. We have a 3 year old daughter and a 17 month old son. I am also currently 38 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child. My husband has a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage. In the beginning we struggled with this because they divorced on bad terms and she used his daughter a lot to get back at him. We eventually got through it and since she lives in Minnesota we get his daughter every summer and Christmas.
> 
> When my husband and I started dating I was 17 year old and he was 22 years old. At the time he was smoking weed and for a 17 year old it didn't really bother me. After a while I started to disapprove of it because I felt it was time for him to become a man. He told me he could quit no problem. So he did. Well I have caught him twice within our 6 years still smoking. The last time I caught him he came clean and said he lied to me the whole time and that he never stopped. So he has been lying to me for 6 years about smoking weed. So that also means he was lying about where the money was going or where he was going sometimes when he went to get it. Now I have another lie I came across recently. My husband has always agreed that he felt the same way I did when it came to porn and men watching it by themselves jacking off. This is something I find disgusting and can not put up with. It brings my confidence level waay down and I don't want to live my life feeling like I wasn't enough. In the beginning of our relation he already tried to change my eating habits and said he was used to dating "smaller" people. Anyway, one day he took my phone to work and because he didn't know how to use it he left the sites he was looking at on my phone. The sites I found was porn sites. I then got curious and looked through his phone where I found more porn sites. Of course he lied and said someone else did it and even got upset at me for blaming him. He went so far as to tell me he would find out who has been using him phone by watching the cameras in the building. Every now and then I would get an update on who he thought it was. I finally got him to admit that it was him. However I was still under the impression that it was just a couple of times. Well last night I brought it back up and got him in another lie about how often he was doing it. He told me he has always done it and just deleted his history so I could never find it. He did it a lot more when he used to work 3rd shift than he does now since he is back on 1st shift.
> 
> I haven't been able to touch him since I found out the lies. No sex, I am always mean, and I feel like I am falling into a depression. I know that I am pregnant and have crazy hormones right now but I have no trust for my husband and I am scared its not going to come back this time. He says he will do anything to make it better but our relationship had been though so much I'm afraid I'm just going to continue to be unhappy. Ive told him hes just not the person he said he was and we are completely different people. I said once the baby was born that I wanted a divorce. Ive always said I never wanted to be that person and I cry everyday when I think about my poor kids having to go through it. My son is a HUGE daddys boy and I just want a happy family but I feel like my husband is not the one I fell in love with. Am I making a big deal over nothing?? Help!


Lets see......you and "your man" have been together for 6 years and you starting see him when you were 17 years old.

17 + 6 = 23 years old
And at 23 years old you have two children and you are expecting another.......so that makes 3 children at 23 years old.
And your pot smoking husband has another child from another "tell death do us part" marriage (please excuse the sarcasm).

You do realize that when most women are 23 years they are in the intial stages of a career after attending college or some type of trade school..............riight.....you do understand that.

Here is your problem - you have devolved into everything a man, including your pot smoking husband, does not want in a woman - you have a crappy attitude towards sex, you are uneducated and financially needy , you are overweight because you eat too much and you never exercise, and you are depressed and depressing.

From your husband's perspective being married to you is like being in prison - he smokes pot to escape the reality of living with you.

One final reality check for you: 
90% of males masterbate to pornagraphy showing other women because males are hard-wired (please forgive the pun) for variety.......the other 10% of males are gay and they masterbate to pornography showing other males....

I think it is commendable that your husband only smokes pot to escape from his life with you instead of committing suicide.....


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## ladybug891989 (Jun 30, 2013)

Okay well that wasn't the kind of advice you give someone you know nothing about. So let me clear up a few things for you... I turned 24 in May. I am almost finished with my associates degree in Human Services. True, being pregnant did delay me but I am now only one semester away from graduating. So I do have an education. I do not have a crappy attitude towards sex....just him. I am in no way "financially needy". The only time I am overweight is when I'm pregnant. My father is and has always been a personal trainer so since the age of 15 I have always been in a gym. I am extremely obsessed with running and staying in shape. It's something I have always wanted my kids to see so they can grow up healthy and active. My husband however used to run track in high school but it stopped.....in high school. He's not over weight but he definitely does not work out. My husband has smoked pot since the age of 12....so I know it's not to "escape from his life". And as for the porn part....your statistics are wrong just like your entire post...so please don't try to give anyone else "advice".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Ladybug I would really recommend you two do some MC first and some work on communucation....it appears you both have needs that are not being met be the other that are driving some dissatisfaction. I agree that he needs to work on his honesty and integrity and I also think you need to look at yourself and do a little self evaluation to see where you might have a little part in the issues in this relationship. "It takes two to tango" - in other wards it is never all one sided. We can't make others change ...the only person we can change is ourselves really... so where can you improve yourself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I would be totally disgusted with my guy if I found he he was lying to my face for six years. I would be incredibly offended if he tried that BS over the "someone else put that porn on my phone! Wait, I think it was Jim." He must think you are very gullible, and at 18-20 years old, you likely were- at least I sure was when I was that age. 

I am sorry you find yourself in this spot. I believe you have every right to be furious and ready to leave the marriage. God only knows what else he is lying about. It is not wise to build your life and family with someone who has no qualms about making up stories and lying so he can do whatever he feels like doing. 

My recommendation, since you asked, is two-fold:
1. Don't make any huge decisions, like leaving, until your baby is born. You are so close, and you don't need the stress. 

BTW, if you are super-furious and he is stressing you out, don't let him in for the birth. Bring a best friend, if she can go with you. I would only recommend this if he is not able to be any kind of support for you. But if your anger is so deep right now and/or he is being so miserable towards you that he is not at all helpful, put yourself and your baby's health first. 

2. Once you've had the baby, sit down with him or write him a letter with some facts. If you divorce him, he is going to have a very difficult life financially, unless he makes a really excellent salary somewhere. He will be just hitting 30 y/o and paying child support to two mommas, or even just paying if you guys get 50/50 custody, for FOUR kids. He is going to be on the hook for three kids for over a decade. Even the most non-material woman is going to have a hard time getting serious with a man with that much financial baggage. Not impossible, but difficult. He will be near 50 before he is done with just basic child support/expenses, not to mention college. Hard to deal with. 

Now, on your end, it will not be the easiest thing in the world for you to find a good guy who doesn't have KISA issues for a future relationship. Just like your husband- a future with someone else who is healthy is possible, but difficult. I think you'd have an easier time than your husband would find building his future, but still hard. 

And this is beyond the effect on your kids of you two divorcing, and the changed reality for both of you of not living each day with your kids.

What I am trying to get at is- you both have some strong reasons to try to make your marriage work. If you can work it out, your best chance at happiness is likely to be with your husband and children as one united family, provided he can make the changes necessary.

I really love the Marriage Builders philosophy, so I recommend going to their website to read about their program. In their terms, your husband has been able to lead a "secret second life" in which he has managed to smoke weed and use porn without you knowing about for half a decade. Their solution would be for you two to integrate your lives so that a secret second life is not possible. 

The forums on that board are pretty rabid. In fact, last I checked I think only a handful of regulars are posting anymore. But there is a ton of free information on the non-forum sections, plus you can email the founder, Dr Harley, and be on their free radio show. They will help you and send you a book or two. 

I feel for you- I think you are in a very tough spot. The only chance your family has to remain united is dependent on your husband's ability/willingness to grow up. Since we are all human, I am sure you've done some things that haven't helped the marriage, but there is just no excuse for outright lying like that. Hopefully he will take this very seriously and make a true turn-around.

Good luck, and take care of yourself, especially with a new baby so close to being born!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

mgtowman said:


> Lets see......you and "your man" have been together for 6 years and you starting see him when you were 17 years old.
> 
> 17 + 6 = 23 years old
> And at 23 years old you have two children and you are expecting another.......so that makes 3 children at 23 years old.
> ...



Wow what a horrible post, and what a person !


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## Converser (Jun 29, 2013)

mgtowman said:


> Lets see......you and "your man" have been together for 6 years and you starting see him when you were 17 years old.
> 
> 17 + 6 = 23 years old
> And at 23 years old you have two children and you are expecting another.......so that makes 3 children at 23 years old.
> ...


Pretty much this whole post should be ignored. Not because of material in the post, but because it does absolutely nothing to help the situation.


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## Converser (Jun 29, 2013)

ladybug,

There doesn't sound like there's much there to be there for anymore. I know you have children together and I don't know your financial situation, but I'm guessing being with him might mean there is more stability financially together than being divorced, but the fact of the matter is it you're not happy now with him and it feels like you're never going to be happy or trust him again to the same extent.

There's a lot of lies there and it just makes you think of what a person is capable of when they lie about simple things like that.

You're going to find it difficult and a challenge to meet a man who doesn't watch porn. Men are very visual. I'm not perfect either in that resort, but I know this. Most men watch porn, the others who don't watch it either have the urge to watch it and they resist that urge because they have more self-respect and honor than that, or they are simply not interested in it. And I would say it's a low percentage. 5% or lower would be my estimate.

I wish you luck and you're always welcome to message me.


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## mgtowman (Jun 1, 2013)

ladybug891989 said:


> Okay well that wasn't the kind of advice you give someone you know nothing about. So let me clear up a few things for you... I turned 24 in May. I am almost finished with my associates degree in Human Services. True, being pregnant did delay me but I am now only one semester away from graduating. So I do have an education. I do not have a crappy attitude towards sex....just him. I am in no way "financially needy". The only time I am overweight is when I'm pregnant. My father is and has always been a personal trainer so since the age of 15 I have always been in a gym. I am extremely obsessed with running and staying in shape. It's something I have always wanted my kids to see so they can grow up healthy and active. My husband however used to run track in high school but it stopped.....in high school. He's not over weight but he definitely does not work out. My husband has smoked pot since the age of 12....so I know it's not to "escape from his life". And as for the porn part....your statistics are wrong just like your entire post...so please don't try to give anyone else "advice".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you are 24 years old, with no college degree, with three kids and a husband who takes drugs..........I stand corrected - you are truly a winner.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I guess it all depends on what your deal breaker is. I myself would not divorce my husband over him looking at porn or masturbating. It's just not something I deem divorce worthy or something I feel I need to worry about. Unless my husband couldn't work because he was addicted to porn...but that's another matter. 

I used to worry about those types of things in a minor way, but now I could care less. I know my worth either way. 

What is it about the porn that makes you feel like throwing your marriage away?


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