# Feeling pressured and not knowing what to do.



## GaiaDarkstar (Dec 8, 2020)

I've been married for about fifteen years and for the most part we did well with each other. Still around three or four years ago I found out he had flirted with both my sisters (one was 14 at the time) and asked them to have sex with him. I became estranged from her because of it but I loved him and wanted to work things out since he had started doing therapy. More and more he found friends online and and went out to do things alone. I became more and more isolated as I can't drive far for several reasons so even if I found something or somewhere to go It would be almost impossible. Then he started talking about polygamy and how one wife couldn't fulfill him and be everything he needed. I told him that it was all about the sex which he kept saying wasn't true. He agreed not to have sex and said he really loved me and that wouldn't change even if he was close to other women. Then he met his current girlfriend and quickly everything changed. He started having sex with her and we began talking about divorce. He started being understanding but several times he would push me to get a job implying that it was my responsibility. I had not worked since I had my kids. I was a stay at home mom. I did get a job last year as a substitute teacher but covid crashed that plan. I took the kids out of school and even if my daughter is 13 and my son 10 they are very immature and I could never trust them alone. And most jobs I could get would not be safe with covid, or cover the cost if I needed child care. My kids had never had a sitter that wasn't family, I hate the idea of leaving them with someone I don't know. 

I have ADHD, depression, and anxiety. I was also born blind in my right eye. Also not long after marriage I had to quit my job at DQ because of debilitating back pain. I saw a chiropractor but any time I bend too much or lift things the pain returns. I also pass out if I stand for too long so that limits me to jobs where I have to sit down. And since I have social anxiety I can't do anything that requires too much communication like customer service. I have tried to find online work but it is hard to find something reliable and low stress that doesn't require a lot of communication. I am an artist and I write a bit but if you don't know how to publicize yourself and don't have any contacts you can't get anywhere. 

Recently my husband/ex? we haven't legally done anything yet btw, keeps saying it's my responsibility to help with the transportation either meeting half way or if one goes the whole distance the other goes the whole way back. Is this really something I have to be responsible for since it is a bit dangerous for me to drive. I have a license but since I'm blind on one side and night blind I avoid driving whenever possible. I keep saying it isn't fair but he keeps saying it isn't fair that he has to always drive all the way. He is the one living separately and wants to see them so why should I have to meet him every wed half way and on every other weekend. 

before he got his rental house he kept complaining that he didn't have anywhere where he could have sex or spend time with her. He wanted us to be friends and let her in my home and have sex on my bed. He works full time and started college again and she is a nurse. He kept saying he could have the kids full time and spend time with them and I keep wondering where he is going to pull the extra time out of thin air. He keeps saying things like despite my physical problems, social anxiety, and depression I should suck it up and get a job. I just don't know what to do at this point.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry that you are in this situation. Please see a lawyer ASAP.


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## GaiaDarkstar (Dec 8, 2020)

yeah but you have to have money to hire one which I don't, You have to know which one to go to, which I have no idea, and you have to know enough not to get tricked by contract wording, again something I have no idea about. It's easy to say to get a lawyer but having no money and no idea who to talk to. I am also very scared that my kids could be taken from me because I don't have a job and am essentially disabled.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There are other members who will have advice for you. Hopefully they will be along soon.


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## GaiaDarkstar (Dec 8, 2020)

I hope so. It was so frustrating. We moved to our present house about three years ago and I was determined to try to make my situation better. I finally got a job as a substitute teacher. I liked the job but the sheer amount of people sometimes really affected me and my social anxiety would get bad. Luckily I never panicked at the school but some days it was hard not to feel very uncertain and stressed. Still I was slightly improving, very slowly, until covid hit. I couldn't sub and since I technically had a job I couldn't even get unemployment. It just makes me so upset when people tell me "you can do it" "you have to get a job so suck it up," or similar. Making me feel extremely pressured and more stressed. It certainly doesn't help my anxiety levels. I can't just get a job even if I didn't have depression and anxiety I still can't drive much, cant stand for long periods, can't bend my back, and I have two kids at home who need constant supervision to make sure they do their schoolwork. And every day I worry that he could just take them away, kick me out of the house, and leave me with nothing. I would have very little means to stop him if he chose to do this. I am horribly lacking in knowledge and I have trouble learning concepts and applying them(adhd) so it would be hard for me to fight. We are still amicable at this point but my husbands moods often swing and he well come back saying things that lack common sense and just being extremely insensitive and mean with his comments. I mean not only did covid hit and I felt very isolated and lonely. He was my only pillar of support and my best friend who I talked to about everything. How can he expect me to accept both at once and suddenly become "responsible" or something. I can't help feeling so dumb and helpless when I struggle trying to calmly argue about topics where more than not I give in on his side to avoid a fight. _sigh_


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I was so glad you hear that you are no longer together. Asking a child of 14 who is also your wifes sister to have sex with you is appalling and yet you seemed to blame the sister???????Then he asks if he can bring his lover to have sex at your house???? Good grief. I would have thrown him out for wanting sex with a child. I think you need to appologise to her. 
Do you have any family members who can help you? Friends?


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## GaiaDarkstar (Dec 8, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I was so glad you hear that you are no longer together. Asking a child of 14 who is also your wifes sister to have sex with you is appalling and yet you seemed to blame the sister???????Then he asks if he can bring his lover to have sex at your house???? Good grief. I would have thrown him out for wanting sex with a child. I think you need to appologise to her.
> Do you have any family members who can help you? Friends?


I didn't blame her at all. I was in shock trying to understand what everyone was telling me at the time and she gave me no chance to figure anything out before throwing a bunch of hurtful words at me and basically refusing to talk to me. Since separating she said I was welcome back but I just couldn't feel comfortable after what she said to me when I knew nothing and it had been a few years that she wouldn't speak to me. I was pretty pissed when I finally calmed down and figured out what had happened. But by then we were both in therapy and he was telling me he understood boundaries and regretted what he did. I didn't really believe him but since he was in therapy at the time I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But once he started having sex with his new girlfriend, it was one ridiculous thing after another. He kept going on about unrealistic ideas and couldn't believe that everything he was saying couldn't be true. It was trying to reason with a rock. His mother told me later that it was a common symptom in their family that if they were convinced of something it was hard to change their minds. He was working and not home much so I barely saw him until he finally found his rental. Since I don't have a job and have no where to go plus I love our house, I can't really move. While it's lonely living somewhere with very little social scene I do feel a lot safer here than how I felt when we lived in Indy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You need to go find yourself a family law attorney. You're going to have to work these things out in court before a judge probably. Since you consider yourself disabled in many ways, are you drawing disability?

Just get an attorney and work it out. The kids should go into daycare once covid is over when they're not in school. He's been the breadwinner so he's going to have to pay for most of it. But you are going to have to get a job and this is probably as good a time of any since most people are working at home now. You might find a call center job that pays more than your substitute teacher job does. my friend was a substitute for a while and only made $8 an hour and any place else would have paid her at least $10 or 12. 

you should look for a full-time teaching position because most of that is at home right now or in an empty classroom. But you need to get a family law attorney to help with this and to get it all legally decided. 

You absolutely don't want him bringing a woman into your house. You have the kids to think about if nothing else.


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## GaiaDarkstar (Dec 8, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You need to go find yourself a family law attorney. You're going to have to work these things out in court before a judge probably. Since you consider yourself disabled in many ways, are you drawing disability?
> 
> Just get an attorney and work it out. The kids should go into daycare once covid is over when they're not in school. He's been the breadwinner so he's going to have to pay for most of it. But you are going to have to get a job and this is probably as good a time of any since most people are working at home now. You might find a call center job that pays more than your substitute teacher job does. my friend was a substitute for a while and only made $8 an hour and any place else would have paid her at least $10 or 12.
> 
> ...


Again to hire an attorney you need money. As for disability I am in the process to try to get it. How long until covid is over? It could be another year or two for all I know. As for the job I've already said I can't do most jobs outside so it has to be in home. I can't do a call center or customer service because of severe social anxiety. Can't be a real teacher you need a degree specific for that that would take another four years and a lot of money. 
Also as soon as he made the unreasonable requests I immediately told him it was not going to happen and he would say he understand and then bring it up again not long after. He did drop it after a while but constantly complained about not having a place they could be together. FYI she was also married at the time and is also now going through a divorce. They are both extremely selfish and don't care at all about other people's feelings.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You don't need money to get an attorney. It will come out of your joint worth. he will likely end up having to pay for it since he's been paying for things and you're not working. Even in 1970, a woman who didn't work could go get an attorney during a divorce. You need to get an attorney. you're the one who's been taking care of the kids and the home so that probably means you're going to get the home but you should insist that he has to have the kids 50% of the time so that you can work and have time to work.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I understand you're blind and one eye but as long as your other eye is okay, you should be able to drive. I was temporarily blind in one eye and I drove out of state and back for medical care as well as to work in the morning for about 3 months. I used to date a guy who wore an eye patch, and he drove. 

It's your anxiety holding you back. Maybe now's the time you need to go work on that with a professional. but I have to say that if you have been substitute teaching, I don't see that your anxiety is that big of an impediment. any type of teaching in front of a class would make me very nervous and I don't have anxiety. Sounds like you're doing better than me.


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## GaiaDarkstar (Dec 8, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You don't need money to get an attorney. It will come out of your joint worth. he will likely end up having to pay for it since he's been paying for things and you're not working. Even in 1970, a woman who didn't work could go get an attorney during a divorce. You need to get an attorney. you're the one who's been taking care of the kids and the home so that probably means you're going to get the home but you should insist that he has to have the kids 50% of the time so that you can work and have time to work.


He doesn't make enough to pay for that. If I had some job that was reliable he said he would cover everything else but I would be responsible for utilities. As for him watching the kids, when? He works full time and is a student. My mom could watch them a lot but how many jobs are there that allow sitting most of the time and have little social interaction? Don't forget I did say I had severe depression, anxiety, adhd,and several physical problems. Work at home is literally the only solution but I have tried many and so many times I have failed to find anything reliable and trustworthy. 

Even though I am taking medicine for my depression and anxiety I still have panic attacks when I get over stressed. Depression isn't something you can just overcome with a magic wand or with your "will" It's feeling so helpless and hopeless that you barely can get up in the morning, it's getting to the point where you feel so apathetic that nothing seems important and you can only do the basics to keep yourself alive. Whenever I would get in a group of people I didn't know I would act cheerful and polite while inside it didn't take long for me to start coming up with ridiculous feelings thinking no one likes me because no one talked to me right away. Ugh I don't want to sound annoying but I don't like it when it seems to be downplayed like it is easy for me to just do what normal people can do.


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## GaiaDarkstar (Dec 8, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I understand you're blind and one eye but as long as your other eye is okay, you should be able to drive. I was temporarily blind in one eye and I drove out of state and back for medical care as well as to work in the morning for about 3 months. I used to date a guy who wore an eye patch, and he drove.
> 
> It's your anxiety holding you back. Maybe now's the time you need to go work on that with a professional. but I have to say that if you have been substitute teaching, I don't see that your anxiety is that big of an impediment. any type of teaching in front of a class would make me very nervous and I don't have anxiety. Sounds like you're doing better than me.


sorry if my recent post sounded mean. I was a little upset. I was very stressed as a sub and would often constantly be fighting my panic and anxiety that's why I could only work like once or twice a week. So it just isn't a great solution. Thanks for your thoughts. I may sound annoyed because of my situation.

oh as for my eye that's not the only thing hindering my driving. I have extremely slow reaction speed and often drift off my attention without meaning to. I also have night blindness so with all that combined I feel it is unreasonable to have me drive long distances as much as possible.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It will be his problem how he deals with the kids when he has custody of them and it will be yours when you have them. They will have to go in some daycare. Millions of couples do this everyday. That's why you need to insist he has 50% custody so that it isn't all your responsibility. I don't know where you are but in the United States 50/50 joint custody is the norm. 

he will have them three and a half days a week and so will you and you'll each have a weekend day and two and a half weekdays. He will have to take them to school and pick them up when he has them and so will you when you do. He will have to work it out with his work or find someone to help him with it just like you will.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

GaiaDarkstar said:


> sorry if my recent post sounded mean. I was a little upset. I was very stressed as a sub and would often constantly be fighting my panic and anxiety that's why I could only work like once or twice a week. So it just isn't a great solution. Thanks for your thoughts. I may sound annoyed because of my situation.
> 
> oh as for my eye that's not the only thing hindering my driving. I have extremely slow reaction speed and often drift off my attention without meaning to. I also have night blindness so with all that combined I feel it is unreasonable to have me drive long distances as much as possible.


You're going to have to do some uncomfortable things because you're not going to have any choice. You can't make him stay and you'd be foolish to leave everything up to him. He can pay off an attorney over time. You're going to have to face reality and prepare yourself.


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## GaiaDarkstar (Dec 8, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It will be his problem how he deals with the kids when he has custody of them and it will be yours when you have them. They will have to go in some daycare. Millions of couples do this everyday. That's why you need to insist he has 50% custody so that it isn't all your responsibility. I don't know where you are but in the United States 50/50 joint custody is the norm.
> 
> he will have them three and a half days a week and so will you and you'll each have a weekend day and two and a half weekdays. He will have to take them to school and pick them up when he has them and so will you when you do. He will have to work it out with his work or find someone to help him with it just like you will.


If day care was open so would school. If they were in school I could work while they were there. The problem is that they are not in school and it could be a while before things are normal again. I do not trust others with my kids. Anyway because of his schedule he had already agreed to one day a week and every other weekend it just doesn't make sense for him to have the kids and never be home.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You have an excuse for _*everything*_.

Find an attorney who offers FREE half-hour consultations. They're far and few between but they DO exist.

Then write down all the questions you're hoping to have answered and bring them with you so you can get as much free information as possible.


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## GaiaDarkstar (Dec 8, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You have an excuse for _*everything*_.
> 
> Find an attorney who offers FREE half-hour consultations. They're far and few between but they DO exist.
> 
> Then write down all the questions you're hoping to have answered and bring them with you so you can get as much free information as possible.


I had no idea lawyers gave free consultations. I mostly came to talk to people to help me feel better not bash me telling me I'm not doing anything. I wouldn't call myself "Dumb" but there is a LOT I don't know. I'm a timid scared person in a bad situation who is hurting and was hoping for a bit of sympathy. I mainly asked at the beginning if it was actually both parents responsibility to help with transporting the kids back and forth. I did talk to someone recently from my church and they said they could help with some of the other stuff. It isn't like I'm not doing anything.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

It sounds to me like you are trapped by your anxiety. You are on meds but honestly, they are not working enough so I think it might be time to call your doctor and ask for help. This whole situation is completely overwhelming to you so you need better medication. With better medication you will be better equipped to overcome some of your other problems. 

If it's sympathy you want, you've got some from me. It sounds like you are in a horrible situation and your husband sounds like a selfish asshole. I'm very sorry. _hugs_


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## GaiaDarkstar (Dec 8, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> It sounds to me like you are trapped by your anxiety. You are on meds but honestly, they are not working enough so I think it might be time to call your doctor and ask for help. This whole situation is completely overwhelming to you so you need better medication. With better medication you will be better equipped to overcome some of your other problems.
> 
> If it's sympathy you want, you've got some from me. It sounds like you are in a horrible situation and your husband sounds like a selfish asshole. I'm very sorry. _hugs_


Thank you so much it really means a lot. I know I make excuses but I am trying so hard to do what I think I can. It can be so overwhelming and feel like I'm running in circles. I think in some things I am naive and I hate confrontation.so if something sounds reasonable I would accept even if it wasn't totally what I wanted just to avoid a fight. I get so easily flustered and frustrated and when people tell me what I should be doing it makes me feel like I'm stupid and if I don't want to do something my mind will fight tooth and nail not to do it. I will ask my doctor about the meds too. It's so hard to find the right ones I have tried several already and I tend to settle with anything that makes me feel a little better with few side effects. Its way too easy for me to get comfortable and deny how tense my situation is just to not feel like everything is falling apart. When people tell me what to do it just feels like they are downplaying depression and anxiety and how difficult it really is to pull yourself out of it. _hugs back_ I really needed that. The only person close to me who can sort of help me atm is my mother. She is a difficult person though and tends to push all my buttons and make me feel like a useless human. One sister and brother are far away in Arkansas and can't see me regularly. I have no one to talk to and no where to go. I hate going anywhere by myself. If feels more lonely to go to a place alone than to just stay at home. It's hard for me to make friends and with covid now it is even harder. Coming online was my only choice to find some kind of support and comfort.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

GaiaDarkstar said:


> I had no idea lawyers gave free consultations. I mostly came to talk to people to help me feel better not bash me telling me I'm not doing anything. I wouldn't call myself "Dumb" but there is a LOT I don't know. I'm a timid scared person in a bad situation who is hurting and was hoping for a bit of sympathy. I mainly asked at the beginning if it was actually both parents responsibility to help with transporting the kids back and forth. I did talk to someone recently from my church and they said they could help with some of the other stuff. It isn't like I'm not doing anything.


It's your anxiety behind all of your brick walls you're running into. You won't trust your kids to another person because of your anxiety. You don't want to work because of your anxiety. You don't want him to move on because of your anxiety. 

Yes there is a real problem right now because of the pandemic. An attorney and a judge will have to make sure that the kids have a roof over their head one way or the other.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You should know that employers these days understand that people have joint custody and have to make allowances for it. Men have to do their part with the kids just like women always have. If they have to leave and go pick them up at school then that's what they have to do. My boss for example has 50/50 custody of his child. I'm sure he'd rather not have to get up early in the morning to go take her to school and then leave the office at a weird time to go pick her up but that's what he has to do and that's what a lot of people have to do. I know you're trying to cling to the kids so that you don't have to work or do anything because of your anxiety and make changes. You're always going to be struggling if you don't give your husband 50% responsibility for helping with the kids. Child Care is definitely going to be a necessity. 

It is expensive. You may qualify for welfare here while it's during the pandemic once you are divorced.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just in case you don't know, once the kids are 18 or legal age wherever you are, he no longer has to pay child support. That's why it's imperative you start working.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds as if you have a church, can they support you more? As for the driving how far away does he now live?


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