# Finally sinking in



## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Hello all, I've been lurking and have had a few posts in some other areas and have received some great advice and figure that this is where I need to be now.

A little background, I'm 44, wife 38, 2 great boys 11 and 9. Married almost 17 years and together 20. We've been separated now 4 months, first two in the house together, next two each home for a week at a time.

Our marriage started to break down over the last few years with financial troubles and my lack of motivation and lack of patience.
The first month I did all the wrong things, pleaded begged and said I'd change. Next month I started to realize that something wasn't right with me. Spoke to my minister who asked me some questions and suggested I contact our doctor because he was concerned that I had depression. Dragged my feet until the end of the second month and my mood was getting worse.

I finally talked with him again and he started me down the path to healing myself. I started eating right and exercising and immediately dropped 30 pounds and started to think clearly. Stopped drinking entirely (okay, maybe a beer after hockey but no more then one) and my mood lifted even more. I can now look back and see where I was and it scares the heck out of me. I had ceased to be the man my wife married and the father I wanted to be for my sons. I had just gone through the motions of being there at home and with my business and its a wonder she hadn't checked out earlier.

Which brings me to where I am now. I am getting better physically, mentally and spiritually. I'm loving my relationship with my children and I'm slowly regaining friendships and activities that I used to love before the depression set in. 
I'm trying 180's with my wife but she has stated that she has checked out. I do know that to her it looks like too little too late but I have told her that I'm working for myself and the boys.
I have also stated that I would love to work with her on reconciling our marriage but she seems to have no interest anymore.

My wife is a professional in the healthcare field and I would like to think that of all people she would understand what I was going through but to no avail. We have been doing better as of late doing small things like going to a hockey game as a family and parties in the community together but she seems to have no interest in having it progress any further.

There have also been rumors that there might be an emotional affair with the husband of a couple who we are friends with that are also separated. She denies this and says they talk and text and she likes that he makes her feel good about herself. I explained that that is an emotional affair. My wife has never lied in the past to me as she is a very moral and upright women. I do believe her but the rumor mills in our small community are nasty and I'm afraid that the damage is done, innocent or not.

I realize that I will be told to have patience and believe me I'm trying but I just want to heal myself and have our family back together again.

Any advice is welcomed and greatly appreciated and I know that you folks are a great resource for a person like me as I think I'm not alone here.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Hi Hockeydad. You are doing all the right things. You can’t control how your wife feels. All you can do is keep working on yourself. 

Does the OM’s wife know about all the talking and texting that is going on between him and your wife?


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

The possible OM's wife is the one who brought it to my attention. It was pretty emotional. She met me for coffee and spilled all of her situation and I filled her in on mine. It felt like I was cheating on my wife but at the same time it was nice to unload to someone going through the same thing.

This guy is an even bigger train wreck then I am or was. Won't get help for his problems has all but abandoned his wife and kids and is a severe alcoholic as well as problems in the bedroom. He and my wife have nothing in common short of beer, funny banter and sports,in short nothing of any substance.

When I confronted her with this she maintains she was not cheating and it was merely friendly talk. I do believe her but the rumor mill and his wife are doing their best to change my mind.

Its tough when she stays the weeks at her mothers and I have no idea what shes doing and my imagination gets the best of me. Thank god I've got my boys those weeks to help me focus.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hockeydad said:


> The possible OM's wife is the one who brought it to my attention. It was pretty emotional. She met me for coffee and spilled all of her situation and I filled her in on mine. It felt like I was cheating on my wife but at the same time it was nice to unload to someone going through the same thing.
> 
> This guy is an even bigger train wreck then I am or was. Won't get help for his problems has all but abandoned his wife and kids and is a severe alcoholic as well as problems in the bedroom. He and my wife have nothing in common short of beer, funny banter and sports,in short nothing of any substance.
> 
> ...


Does posOMW have phone text/IM/email detail evidence?

How about Facebook?

Do you have access to your wife's car?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're in that grey period; separated. Even if she was dating someone, it would be fuzzy. With an emotional affair... Fuzzier. Why did you guys separate? Who initiated, and for what reason? Why did it escalate from an in-house separation to separate homes? Why separation instead of starting a divorce, unless there's a plan to reconcile?

You could read "Not Just Friends", and ask her to do the same, as a favor for you. You could also read "Codependent No More"... Sounds like your wife might have a need to "fix" other people. These books may help you understand why drives her, but unfortunately, they probably won't give you anything you can use to turn things around.

C


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Okay, the OM is a friend whom she dated briefly in high school, nothing serious. His wife came to me and told me her concerns because they do spend a lot of time together at hockey and lacrosse as both our youngest son and theirs play on the same teams. He left his family roughly the same time as our separation. The difference being he more or less abandoned his and I'm fighting to keep mine.

When I confronted her as I said she didn't deny talking and texting him and admitted it was nice to talk to someone who made her feel good about herself but that is where it ended. I do believe her on this account but I fear he thinks its something more.

Now that the rumor mills are rolling she has told me its ended as she can't afford the attention as she is in a high profile position in health care here. His wife cant accept this and is adament that more has happened. I'm trying not to buy into this as I do believe my wife as I've said.

We separated for the reason that, as I now know, my depression was causing me to be short tempered and havea complete loss of focus on tasks that had to be done. She had given me ultimatums before but she finally snapped and said it was done and that she had checked out. I have taken responsibility for this and I do own it. No denying that and now that I can see clearly she was a saint for putting up with it as long as she did. I'm not using my depression as an excuse but a reason for my behavior and believe me I'm working harder then ever to get myself healed and get closer to my boys.

Two months into my recovery and its like night and day, but I would love for nothing more then to heal our relationship but she seems to have no interest. I am making these changes permanent so that I won't relapse to where I was previously. These things are becoming habit and not forced but I don't know how to get her to see this.

Any suggestions?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Does posOMW have any evidence?

You need to ask.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Evidence is text messages and phone calls from his phone to hers. I realize its not much but the do spend as has been pointed out to me inappropriate amounts of time together talking at games and social gatherings. I have seen this as well but just thought that we were all close friends and no harm no foul. Starting to wonder now.

As for my part I guess my behavior drove her to talk to someone who unfortunately was all to willing to listen and I'm sure has intentions of his own. I do take ownership of that as well. As for posOM, this guys a piece of work. Even though I thought him a friend he is a slug. His wife thinks he left her to pursue my wife as he has had multiple affairs in the past and she sees it happening again. He rarely sees his 2 sons and when he does roll home its anger and screaming at everyone. Now I know I'm not perfect but I treasure every moment with my boys and am heartbroken when I don't see them for a day or two.

I'm hoping that she will see this if anything is or has happened between them and realize that the grass ain't greener over there.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

She won't "see" anything unless you expose their behavior.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

I think that's being done for me by his wife and the rumor mill. We live in a small community and word travels like wildfire.
I'd rather be the good guy than the jealous husband who roars in guns blazing and screaming bloody blue murder. A couple of months ago that would have been me but not now, I don't want to step backwards anymore. As well the kids would have to suffer and I won't stand for that. If something is going down with them then I would rather them look like idiots rather then myself.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hockeydad said:


> I'd rather be the good guy than the jealous husband who roars in guns blazing and screaming bloody blue murder.


If you think enabling an affair is stepping forward, I would have to disagree.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

I don't think I'm enabling as I said if something is going on and I do still have my doubts. I think his wife and others will put an end to it quite quickly. As an interesting side note to that, our house which I have agreed to leave to her if this progresses to a divorce, sits right beside my fathers and on the other side of the road our next closet neighbour is posOMW's parents farm. I don't think you could make that anymore awkward if you tried!

I do want to have a reconciliation to our marriage above all but I'm smart enough now to know that if that doesn't happen then life does go on and I'll make it the best I can for my sons and I.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hockeydad said:


> I don't think I'm enabling as I said if something is going on and I do still have my doubts. I think his wife and others will put an end to it quite quickly. As an interesting side note to that, our house which I have agreed to leave to her if this progresses to a divorce, sits right beside my fathers and on the other side of the road our next closet neighbour is posOMW's parents farm. I don't think you could make that anymore awkward if you tried!
> 
> I do want to have a reconciliation to our marriage above all but I'm smart enough now to know that if that doesn't happen then life does go on and I'll make it the best I can for my sons and I.


Reconciliation will never happen if you don't stand up for the relationship. Counting on others to stand up for your relationship is a poor substitute - and you will appear weak to her.

Women are not attracted to weakness.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Hockeydad said:


> As an interesting side note to that, our house which I have agreed to leave to her if this progresses to a divorce


Its interesting that you are already agreeing to give her the house and you aren't even getting divorced yet.

What did you get in return?

Once you agree to something it's hard to take it back when things get ugly and negotiations start because she now knows what you're willing to part with.

She's cheating on you and blaming it all on you and your untreated depression and anything else she can make out to be your fault. Don't do her any favors.



Hockeydad said:


> I don't think I'm enabling


If you realized you were enabling you'd probably stop being enabling- and yes, you are by allowing the current situation to continue and leaving it up to others to fix it for you.

Stop believing your wife's lies, stop promising her the house in a divorce, start digging around, stop being so weak and being Mr. Good Guy and stop making it all your fault because it's not.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Conrad you are right but I've got to tone it down like I said I can't go in guns blazin'.

Northland, we have talked and she gets the house and I would keep my business if it comes to D. I really do hope it doesn't come to that but I will prepare for the worst. Custody isn't an issue as we both would agree to 50/50. We're not enemies and don't intend to ever be for the kids sake. My wife is a very intelligent, beautiful and highly educated (thanks in no small part to me) women and I trust her not to lie to me. The one thing she has always detested with a passion is liars but I suppose people change.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Work with posOMW. I'm sure she knows his habits and it's likely you can catch them in the act.

He's cheated on her before.

He won't change his routines.





Hockeydad said:


> Conrad you are right but I've got to tone it down like I said I can't go in guns blazin'.
> 
> Northland, we have talked and she gets the house and I would keep my business if it comes to D. I really do hope it doesn't come to that but I will prepare for the worst. Custody isn't an issue as we both would agree to 50/50. We're not enemies and don't intend to ever be for the kids sake. My wife is a very intelligent, beautiful and highly educated (thanks in no small part to me) women and I trust her not to lie to me. The one thing she has always detested with a passion is liars but I suppose people change.


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Funny you say work with posOMW because since she approached me with this we have been supporting each other with texts but I can't help but feel that I'm cheating on my wife. Crazy eh!

I guess I do need a resolution to whether or not something took or is taking place before I can deal with the other issues.

As far as the blame for our troubles I'm realistic about them and do put them firmly on my shoulders.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hockeydad said:


> Funny you say work with posOMW because since she approached me with this we have been supporting each other with texts but I can't help but feel that I'm cheating on my wife. Crazy eh!
> 
> I guess I do need a resolution to whether or not something took or is taking place before I can deal with the other issues.
> 
> As far as the blame for our troubles I'm realistic about them and do put them firmly on my shoulders.


If you want your wife, work with posOMW and find out what she knows.

When you are ready, you'll need to confront.

Being weak and passive will not help you do anything - but get divorced with an unfavorable settlement.


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