# Pressured to cheat...your opinions?



## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

While I am a new member to this site, I have been in a relationship with my common law partner for 14yrs. We have three children together. I'm 35yrs and my partner is 42. 

*When my husband and I first met in 1997,he had erectile/sexual issues from abusing anti-depressants/and alcohol in the past. His sexual desires were stagnant for several years-which I patiently waited to return over time. Unfortuntely I ended up gaining 80lbs and stopped seeing myself as a sexual person since he was never interested and we were raising two young children then.*

Go forward 10 years. I worked hard to become the lean sexy woman I was when we met(From 200lbs down to 116lbs) -I was hoping he would rejoice in a healthy sexual relationship with me..although he was turned on by me being slim and attractrive-it turned out his sexual fantasy of me being with other guys(never something I ever fantasized or wanted) became his obsession. To the point that I felt betrayed and hurt he couldn't enjoy being with me alone.

*Instead of putting my foot down and saying NO WAY...I gave in(so he thought)-he wanted me to sleep with other men with him around-I decided to go off myself(he was left babysitting the kids)-while I never physically cheated, I did go on dates and made friends. He would ask..I would lie about the sexual part thinking(quite stupidly!) that eventually he would get bored of the fantasy. 

The reason why I need opinions on this messed up situation,is that his fantasy is still rampant. I've told him how heartbroken this stuff is considering how much I hated my father(who ran away with the babysitter)for cheating on my mother. My idea of being with your life long partner is love and devotion-and it seems in trying to get him to love me for me,I've lost a lot of my love and respect for him in the process...

Where do I go from here?


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Tell him that's not the type of marriage you want to have and he cant have it both ways.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

I agree with Love Song, be honest and tell her that's not for you necessarily. You cannot always go with what your partner prefers.. on many levels... he needs to know what you are feeling about this, so tell him exactly how you feel.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Just say NO. Tell him you had hoped he would grow out of this weirdness, but since he has not, you are not going to stand for it any longer.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

I have told him how I feel and how much that type of sexual fantasy doesn't help our relationship-it's actually hurt things.

The part I really don't understand is how a husband can say he
loves his wife, when he's fantasizing her with other men and wants to act that out? How does that play into love and respect?

I never should have made it seem like I was cheating..I did something out of desperation to get the intimacy and sex I craved for years! I *thought* by losing all the weight we could enjoy a great sex life together. I was devastated to find out his ideal woman was still not good enough

I've accepted my errors-and now wonder how couples(men please pipe in here!) deal with their sexual issues?


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

Truth is, I'm feeling very disappointed in my marriage-this is actually just one of the issues I've battled along with...

1)My partner always talked bad about me to family,friends and coworkers.

Case in point-last summer he convinced his brother to fork over 3k to fly him and our kids to an aunt's wedding. He told his brother he had no money to go 'cause he -believed I was abusing drugs!:rofl: Reality was he never tried to save up for the trip,and then had last minute regrets) HE decided his parents would babysit the kids for the summer..and that *I* would use all my vacation time just to greyhound there to pick them up and greyhound them back 2 days straight. He NEVER showed remorse for that either.:scratchhead: He got what he wanted again. When he got back from the trip...I told him to call his family and tell them the truth-this was the LAST TIME I tolerated his ego boosting lying to make me look bad!! 


2)I got a job in the same office(2 different dept's) as him a couple years ago...was told to keep our relationship a secret by HR-which was funny,'cause I found out he was flirting with several women at work(they knew he was in a committed relationship). A couple got very catty with me,thinking I was competition.. The part about this was that I felt so betrayed by my partner. I just realized now that he must have wanted me to sleep with other men to squash his lust for other women...Thankfully he took a better paying job in a different department...it was heart wrenching and enbarrassing to work in the same office(I NEVER KNEW he was doing it before working with him)....

3)When we first got together, we were both co-dependant on one another. Through the years, he's gotten controlling,having issues with anger management,sexual fantasies,flirting etc.While I've been working hard at being more self sufficient-dealing with my lack of self worth, standing up for myself in relationships with family/friends that wasn't good for me,getting into better health and working at being more the person I want to be. 

4)He always egotistically insisted he's done a lot around the house-yet I have always had to do all the laundry,cutting grass,cleaning the yard(shovelling snow),indoor painting or repairs,grocery shopping,housework...I'm lucky if he does dishes more than once a week...reality IS he has always been lazy and self serving. I'm now standing up for myself-and the part he hates? Is that I REFUSE to let him think I believe his crappola any more.

This is why I believe his "anger" is getting out of control. I refuse to let his tantrums get in the way of what I want and need in the marriage even though his up and down states are driving me absolutely bonkers.

Man I swear I'm dating a teenager!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I swear I could never understand these cuckold husbands. You have a smoking hot woman on your arm so you fantasise about other men screwing her, good giref 

Sounds like he's a masochist or something.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds like you need to print out your concerns and show it to him--perhaps with the additon of a statement such as, "This is why I am thinking of leaving." Insist that you start Marriage Counseling (mc) and perhaps the therapist will see enough to encourage him to start individual counseling, too--which you should do for yourself. He has issues, and while you have grown, you still have thinngs to work out.

It's really hard to stay in a relationship with someone who does not seem to mature. When you feel you are in a relationship with a child/teen, that's what it usually means--but then, be sure to get a reality check on your own growth from an outsider! Your H may well think you are the one who has not grown--and we can't really say anything b/c although you seem to have grown, we have only your words to base it on, and you could be deluding yourself, too. That's why indi. counseling is important, as well as the mc


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

DanglingDaisy said:


> The part I really don't understand is how a husband can say he
> loves his wife, when he's fantasizing her with other men and wants to act that out? How does that play into love and respect?


he doesnt in my opinion.

i dont see how any man can claim to love a woman then expect her to do this.

it just boggles my mind.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

DanglingDaisy said:


> it turned out his sexual fantasy of me being with other guys(never something I ever fantasized or wanted) became his obsession. To the point that I felt betrayed and hurt he couldn't enjoy being with me alone.
> 
> *Instead of putting my foot down and saying NO WAY...I gave in(so he thought)-he wanted me to sleep with other men with him around-I decided to go off myself(he was left babysitting the kids)-while I never physically cheated, I did go on dates and made friends. He would ask..I would lie about the sexual part thinking(quite stupidly!) that eventually he would get bored of the fantasy.


Let me get this straight.

Your commonlaw husband wants you to screw other guys in front of him, that's his ultimate fantasy, correct?

You aren't into that so you placate him by.. let me get this straight.. going on dates with other guys, "making friends with them", not screwing them, yet coming home to him while he's been babysitting the kids all night, and lying to him by telling him you screwed these guys you were out on dates with? This somehow satisfies his fantasy of watching you have sex with guys?

There's something really "screwy" about this story. 

I'm thinking its more along the lines of "my husband doesn't turn me on sexually so I went out and dated other guys and screwed them and now I feel guilty about cheating on him" and I'm looking for advice without admitting what I really did.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I can't believe you actually went on dates. UFB.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I'd probably leave and try to form a normal life. 





DanglingDaisy said:


> While I am a new member to this site, I have been in a relationship with my common law partner for 14yrs. We have three children together. I'm 35yrs and my partner is 42.
> 
> *When my husband and I first met in 1997,he had erectile/sexual issues from abusing anti-depressants/and alcohol in the past. His sexual desires were stagnant for several years-which I patiently waited to return over time. Unfortuntely I ended up gaining 80lbs and stopped seeing myself as a sexual person since he was never interested and we were raising two young children then.*
> 
> ...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are common law---so you probably can walk easier than those with a piece of paper saying they are married

Your so called H, controls you, and you allow it

Time to get in his face, and let him know what it is that you want, and tell him, if he can't provide it---than you WILL be moving on immediately

Make him face a little reality-----and while you are at it, get some self respect back---he has beaten you down to the point where you think you are little more than nothing

You are just as F'ing good as he is---AND LET HIM THE F KNOW IT.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

Thank you for your feedback

Let me make it clear,I've never physically cheated on my partner NOR have I ever wanted to. I do feel guilty that I deceived him into believing I did in order to bring us closer. 

I felt at a crossroad at that point. I was trying to find a happy medium-he either didn't hear,or cared to hear I wasn't interested...so I thought what now? 

Once his impotence from the early days wasn't an issue(it took about five years to bounce back)...I find out from talking to him that he had always carried a huge amount of guilt towards masturbations and sex. We spent many years working on that one too-him picking fights days after we're together-finding out that the fight had to do with his guilt and reflecting his anger off of me for it. When that issue had eventually been worked out...then it was finding out he was flirting with coworkers-before the whole fantasy of me being with other men cropped up. 

He stated shortly after talking about the fantasy that he found me more attractive thinking other men wanted me,and that there was a perceived risk of losing me. So this is where I decided to indulge him-make him believe he could lose me. At that point he changed his mind on the whole idea.

It's cropped up again...and I have a belief that after finding out he's big into flirting,that his fantasy probably has more to do with his wanting to run off with another woman without the guilt complex.

I've always been attracted to my partner. I always loved his charisma and energy as well. I take responsibility for not always being a hottie for him through having three kids and being pregnant 10 times. I own the fact that I have not always been 100% supportive or mature in ways I could have been for him as well.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

DanglingDaisy said:


> Thank you for your feedback
> 
> Let me make it clear,I've never physically cheated on my partner NOR have I ever wanted to. I do feel guilty that I deceived him into believing I did in order to bring us closer.


Yours is the first story I read where someone lied about cheating but the lie was that they did cheat when they really didn't.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

michzz said:


> Stop lying, stop doing humiliating things, consider ending your marriage. It is a manipulation wierd fest.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Bottom line, absent all the garbage going on, this is the point. Get busy living or get busy dying ....


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: Pressured to cheat...your opinions? - P.S.*

Just in my never-to-be-humble opinion, you may have been "pressured" into cheating (even though you actually didn't), you AND YOU ALONE had the option of walking away from this. Nobody can force you to do something you don't want to do, unless they put a loaded gun to your head.

Absent that scenario, you chose to go to these lengths to get your partner to get his rocks off. A very sad situation. You have this one precious life. Is this how you want to live it?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Prince Charming this man is NOT


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Cuckold husband.

I dont think it could be fixed.

I'm sorry.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

I'm sitting here crying reading your responses...it's been painful to open up and hear your honest opinions-but for sanities sake,I really appreciate it.

How does one get to this point in this kind of situation...looking back, it's called terribly low self esteem.

I grew up psychologically and emotionally abused in a poor single parent family. Told I was stupid and never going to amount to much. Being pegged the black sheep in the family,the one that siblings turn their nose down at,mother emotionally disabling you any chance she gets. I spent years scarred over a boyfriend my mother dated years ago that threatened to kill us-and even though I risked my life to get the police involved(I was 12yrs),I was left healing over the situation by myself since my mother denied the situation happened in the first place 

Imagine yourself holding a bat over a dog-you beat the dog long enough,just grabbing for the bat makes it quiver to submission. It waits for you to determine where it should sit,stand or walk. this wonderful beast has a mind of it's own,but it has learned not to trust it's own senses and if it does,to fear the repercussions of independance. 

That's how I was when I met my partner. I trusted that he was safe. 

There's many things I've done over the years to try to change my thought patterns. First was moving our family as far away from toxic family members(inlaws,my mom etc). We moved across Canada to a place I knew I could find work,and build not only my self esteem but a career. I've confronted a lot of the hidden destructive messages I'd been quietly telling myself(you're ugly,no one likes you,you're not smart etc).The sad thing is,as I've been confronting my issues and working towards a healthier mindset,my partner is getting more irritated and combative all the while pretending to be supportive.:banghead:

I know I have no alternative but to leave him. He's gotten more aggressive in the last 4-5yrs,insists all men "control" their wives,and last summer's fiasco of almost punching me in the face to gain "control" really pointed out how much of a lost cause this all has been.


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## TKIGuy (Mar 14, 2012)

You and your husband have a very unhealthy relationship, which I think you already know. The issue of wanting you to be with other men can be rooted in a number of different things. People tend to look for the obvious answers and the one you mentioned about him wanting to be with other women is not likely the motivation. It is possible he wants you to be with other men so he can spring on you later that he wants to be with other women and you should be ok with it, but likely the driver is deeper then that. Probably based in a sexual trauma like the ED issue or maybe something from when he was younger. Essentially he is looking to objectify you to detach from you. At some level he is likely scared you are going to leave him, this most likely goes back to when he had the ED issue. His psyche can't handle it so he develops this fetish about you being with other men. Since he assumes you are going to cheat on him because he is not enough of a man, by flipping the table he gets some level of control - it's not cheating if he allows you to do it. The fact he has this power over you reinforces the fetish and he winds up gaining a sexual satisfaction from it. Of course none of this is healthy, but I believe there is a lot more to this than sex. It's about power and control, something he feels he doesn't have. You getting "hotter" in a lot of ways just intensified the issue. (I am not saying you did anything wrong for getting healthy and looking good, you have every right to take care of yourself and most men in healthy relationships would appreciate it.)
For what its worth, there is also some biological foundation for his behavior. Your being with another man challenges him sexually to produce more sperm - kind of a survival of the fittest thing. Even if you are not having sex, the thought of you with another man likely stimulates him, which results in a reward system - he literally gets off on the thought of you with someone else.

So with that - what do you do? That's a tough one, he has a serious sexual dysfunction. You need to determine how much you want to try and stick by him. You seem to have some history yourself so in the end this just may not work and you may be best walking away from each other. If you want to work this out, you need to get professional help and see a good sex therapist/marriage counselor if you are going to get anywhere.

He may be a jerk and not care about you at all - but there is a chance he does care about you a lot and he is just really messed up. If he is violent with you then you should get away. If it is just the sex stuff then you should probably approach him about seeing someone. If you want to do it you should probably do your research ahead of time and make the appointment then tell him this is what you are doing and he needs to go with you. This will be a long road but if at the core he is a decent guy who is just messed up, then there is a chance he could learn how to undo this behavior. Keep in mind when he realizes what he has actually done, he is going to be humiliated and carry around a tremendous amount of guilt so this road will be riddled with challenges. You also need to decide now if you can forgive him for this - if you can't then don't bother going any further, be honest with yourself about this.

That's my theory anyway....best of luck to you.

p.s. don't indulge his fantasy under these circumstances. In the long run there are ways to indulge him without disrespecting you. If the two of you can get healthy, there are healthy ways to role play that can stimulate him but still maintain the intimacy you want and not have you feeling bad about yourself in the process.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

DanglingDaisy said:


> Where do I go from here?


Even it's emotionally/psychologically painful I suggest you to leave him. 
Start gaining control of your own life. 


Good Luck.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

TKI Guy- It sounds like you have an understanding of the real underlined problems...I have to ask, are you a psychologist? 

My partner is a chronic guilt carrying type of guy. I really can't imagine dwelving deeper into sex therapy and having to deal with more of it. It seems the more we try to work on issues over the years, the more aggressive he becomes-I equate him to a teenager in that fashion. It's exhausting. He claims he would have never hit me last summer-but had I not been quick thinking at the time,he would have punched me...what hurts is him thinking it's okay-and lying to cover up it up....the blatant lies and manipution doesn't cut it any more. If he thinks using aggression to make me submissive will work-he's delusional.

I'm tired of talking and trying to work things out. When your partner insists everything is about money,and counselling is impossible because of lack of money...any excuse to continue as he's been acting-I really can't win.

I've lost faith in him although my faith in my own abilities continues to grow. 

Thanks everyone for your perspectives


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DanglingDaisy said:


> insists all men "control" their wives,and last summer's fiasco of almost punching me in the face to gain "control" really pointed out how much of a lost cause this all has been.


I understand how growing up in a dysfunctional home has hurt your self-esteem. My mother was mentally ill, and eventually placed in an asylum. My father just tossed me to my own devices; basically, he didn't care. So I was stuck with a crazy mother and an absent father who was busy wh0ring around.

The thing is, you almost got punched. I was battered by my ex husband. I stuck it out after being hit the first time for almost five years. It wasn't that bad. Maybe I deserved it. He just lost his temper, etc., etc., etc.

Please get out. Go. The sooner, the better. It is very likely that this man will eventually hit you. And if he does it once, he will do it again. And again. And again.

You have one go 'round in this life, and it is very short. You know you deserve better. Please get your mind focused on that. Then leave, regardless of your fears about leaving. Get away from this guy. He is one sick man.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You seem to already know what needs to be done.


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