# Transgender child



## LivingAgain

My daughter has been coping with her gender and sexuality since 8th grade. She is now a HS senior and 17 yrs old.

She came out in 8th grade (no surprise) but in the last year she has expressed feelings of never feeling like a girl. About 6 months ago she wanted to investigate FTM (female to male) reassignment. She took on a male name, was attending a LBGTQ group where she was only known as her male persona.

Now, I supported her in this but it was very difficult for me to address her with male pronouns and her male name. I tried to be very conscious when I addressed her or spoke about her to others close to family but I failed miserably...

Suddenly she dropped the support group (issues with someone in the group - bad dating experience) and reverted back to her female name/persona. Bought pretty dresses, jewelery, etc. I told her I support her no matter what.

Last week she returned to the support group and said she realized that she truly feels she is the wrong gender. She felt like "himself" at the meeting around people that only knew her male persona.

We had a long conversation this past weekend about it and she said she backed off of the issue because she felt she was making everyone uncomfortable. I know my failings had a lot to do with it too. But when she realized how comfortable she was around her peers at the group, she needed to be honest with what she wanted no matter how uncomfortable others were with it.

I promised to try my best at the male name and pronoun issue. Well, I realized last night that I am now just not using any name when I address her. Instead of calling her name as usual to get her attention, I will go to her room and speak to her face to face without addressing her.

As you can see, I am still using the female pronouns throughout this post!!

Anyone out there that has a transgender child and have had these issues with yourself? How do you suddenly change these things after giving birth to this child and addressing them as one gender for 17 years?

I fully support her on her journey - I want my children to be happy, kind, productive people no matter what...

Any advice? Thanks


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## LivingAgain

MissFroggie

Thanks for your reply. She has a great therapist who is aware of this issue. We have had a joint session with her about it a few months back. This is a recent thing and she hasn't seen her therapist since her change of mind. she will see her tomorrow. Probably a good idea for us to do another joint session.

I cannot attend her group meeting. It is closed to all but LBGTQ members for their privacy.

She really wants all to start addressing her as Him and male name so that we all get comfortable with the change before the actual change. T treatments will start after 18th birthday. I have to make an initial consultation appt before they can start.

I guess a part of me feels like I am losing a child....does that sound horrible?? I think I may need to search out a group for myself to help with all of this!


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## Anon Pink

I have a lesbian daughter. Though I realize this is vastly easier for a parent to understand, accept and cope, than a trans child there are some important similarities. Like you, I want my daughter to be happy and to be as in love with herself as I am in love with her. Like you, I want my daughter to be accepted by everyone, and probably also like you, accepting her for who she is is the price of admission to my heart.

I used to wonder how I would react if she felt she had been born in the wrong body and I immediately saw how I would morn the loss of my daughter, even as I rejoiced in the gift of a son. I think what you are feeling is completely natural and not at all traitorous to your quest to love and accept your new son. 

My heart breaks for the tans community, they face such a lonely road filled with such confusion, isolation and rejection. Perhaps only a parent can fully understand that morning the loss of the daughter you gave birth to and raised is only natural. But as you already know, supporting your son to the best of your ability is the most loving and generous parting gift you can give to your daughter.

Time will make things easier for everyone.

I also have to congratulate you for clearly being a most supportive and loving mother that your child felt loved enough to come to answers about who he is. It can be such a painful and lonely road and your son is blessed with family to love him and learn to support him in the ways that are important to him.

Do you have an active PFLAG group near you?


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## LoveAtDaisys

LivingAgain said:


> I think I may need to search out a group for myself to help with all of this!


COMPLETELY agree. This is a big change not only for your son, but for your family as well. I'm guessing he has either not told anyone else or has only told a few people, but when he does go public, he'll need people who can help others through the transitionary process.

Here's the PFLAG support group search page:
PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays

Hope this helps!


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## LivingAgain

Anon pink,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply 

Yes there is a PFLAG group in a neighboring city. I will look into it.

I found two good books on amazon for parents of transgenders that I will be ordering for my Kindle.

I just hope I can help support my son, while I travel my own road in adjusting to this new reality...


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## LivingAgain

LoveAtDaisys said:


> COMPLETELY agree. This is a big change not only for your son, but for your family as well. I'm guessing he has either not told anyone else or has only told a few people, but when he does go public, he'll need people who can help others through the transitionary process.
> 
> Here's the PFLAG support group search page:
> PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays
> 
> Hope this helps!


The immediate family knew months ago with the initial change. Just dad and I know of this recent turn about...he is pretty outgoing with it. I want him to develop a strong sense of self so he can "battle" all the unfortunate discrimination which I am sure he will encounter.

A plus will be that we are moving next year after graduation back to our hometown and he feels it will be a good move to "start over." Leave the pple here behind that know him as a female.

Thanks for your thoughts!!


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## whispersofme

I think it is great that you are supporting your child no matter what, most children don't have anyone in their corner. :smthumbup: It is hard for teens to be open with their parents and the fact that your child feels comfortable enough to come and discuss his desires, hopes and fears is just amazing in my opinion. Several of my friends have not been so lucky and it is has been a horribly sad and frightening time. 

I am friends with several Trans people, both MtF and FtM and it is difficult remembering to use the proper pronouns especially when you have known them prior to their transition. Most of my friends are ok with slip ups and will gently correct the error or laugh it off with a joke. So don't feel bad, just let him know that you are trying to remember - it is hard to break a habit that is over 17 years in the making. 

I saw that your son will not start hormone treatment until after he is 18 - I was curious as to why is he waiting? Is it a Doctor thing? I've heard from most of my friends that it is easier the younger you start the treatments - especially in MtF - which in your case it is the opposite. I ask, because I found it easier for me to use the proper pronoun in referencing my friends once their treatment began in earnest. 

One last thing, encourage your son to contact the local GLBT support group and connect with others who have been in similar shoes. It always helps to know you are not the only one who is 'different'. (I mean no disrespect by using the term different, it is a term I've used on myself before I came out as Bi-sexual. Different doesn't mean bad, it means unique in my opinion!)


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## mablenc

I agree with everyone that says you should look into support as well, but one thought came to mind. Since she recently went back to female clothes and is discovering dressing as a male, I can imagine how overwhelming it must be for her. She can also take a break and maybe dress neutral until she sorts out her feelings and adjusts mentally to this new way of living. This can help her transition at her pace. This can also help others around her to adapt as well. Best wishes to both of you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LivingAgain

whispersofme said:


> I think it is great that you are supporting your child no matter what, most children don't have anyone in their corner. :smthumbup: It is hard for teens to be open with their parents and the fact that your child feels comfortable enough to come and discuss his desires, hopes and fears is just amazing in my opinion. Several of my friends have not been so lucky and it is has been a horribly sad and frightening time.
> 
> I am friends with several Trans people, both MtF and FtM and it is difficult remembering to use the proper pronouns especially when you have known them prior to their transition. Most of my friends are ok with slip ups and will gently correct the error or laugh it off with a joke. So don't feel bad, just let him know that you are trying to remember - it is hard to break a habit that is over 17 years in the making.
> 
> I saw that your son will not start hormone treatment until after he is 18 - I was curious as to why is he waiting? Is it a Doctor thing? I've heard from most of my friends that it is easier the younger you start the treatments - especially in MtF - which in your case it is the opposite. I ask, because I found it easier for me to use the proper pronoun in referencing my friends once their treatment began in earnest.
> 
> One last thing, encourage your son to contact the local GLBT support group and connect with others who have been in similar shoes. It always helps to know you are not the only one who is 'different'. (I mean no disrespect by using the term different, it is a term I've used on myself before I came out as Bi-sexual. Different doesn't mean bad, it means unique in my opinion!)


He has a fabulous support group that includes many transgenders and is very comfortable with it. In fact one FTM member graduated in June and the school refused to use his male name which he had been using for two years because he hadn't legally changed it yet. we attended a school board meeting before graduation in support of him to get them to use his male name. (Sadly, they did not)

Waiting until 18 is only until January...I found an awesome clinic and psychological center in the city we are moving to and getting the initial consultation then set up for treatments will probably coincide with 18th birthday. Plus he won't need parental consent (no problem from me) but it's additional red tape to be dealt with with Dad.

I know I will have slips on the pronoun and name but I need to be conscious of using them instead of just not using anything! Sheesh, that takes just the same amount of effort! (wow, that's revealing - need to think deep about that)

Thanks for your reply


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## LivingAgain

mablenc said:


> I agree with everyone that says you should look into support as well, but one thought came to mind. Since she recently went back to female clothes and is discovering dressing as a male, I can imagine how overwhelming it must be for her. She can also take a break and maybe dress neutral until she sorts out her feelings and adjusts mentally to this new way of living. This can help her transition at her pace. This can also help others around her to adapt as well. Best wishes to both of you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has always dressed neutral...easier for a girl to dress "down" in big t shirts, sweats, boots etc like a male than a boy to show up to school in heels and a skirt! We mostly shop in the boys/men section. Just after backing off the MTF that a girly side came out...but he has always liked unique jewelry.

I WISH THERE WERE NO LABELS!!! Why can't we all just let everyone be who they are and not label every action, dress, hairstyle, etc??? Argh...

Thank you for your well wishes! I know he'll be fine  Just want the best for him in his journey and for me to be the best Mom I can be!!


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## mablenc

LivingAgain said:


> He has always dressed neutral...easier for a girl to dress "down" in big t shirts, sweats, boots etc like a male than a boy to show up to school in heels and a skirt! We mostly shop in the boys/men section. Just after backing off the MTF that a girly side came out...but he has always liked unique jewelry.
> 
> I WISH THERE WERE NO LABELS!!! Why can't we all just let everyone be who they are and not label every action, dress, hairstyle, etc??? Argh...
> 
> Thank you for your well wishes! I know he'll be fine  Just want the best for him in his journey and for me to be the best Mom I can be!!


You know there are now companies that are making gender nutrual clothes for children. Most children don't like the Barbie and car separation. The just want to be kids. 
I know my situation is different I have a son with autism,but I can relate to just wanting your child to be accepted for who they are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LivingAgain

mablenc said:


> I know my situation is different I have a son with autism,but I can relate to just wanting your child to be accepted for who they are.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish society could just let kids be kids! I have a good friend with an autistic child and he is one of the most amazing, caring, funny kid I have ever known!!


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## Anon Pink

You must admit things are getting better. 20 years ago this kind of thread would not be possible, unless it was within an LGBTQ forum. The number of people who are being supportive, understanding, and trying their best to do the right thing is something that I find very heartening!


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## jilldavidson

You have already gotten excellent advice. But as a trans person, I wanted to tell you that it sounds like you are doing fine in supporting your child. People who have known us the longest, people who care the most for us, are going to make mistakes with the pronouns. It's OK - eventually it will be a habit. My in-laws (who have been my actual parents for the last 40 years) still call me by my birth name unintentionally and use the wrong pronouns - but they have known me half their lifetimes, and I told them when I came out that I will always love them whether they called me my birth name or not. Right intentions are more important than getting it right every time - and we can get whether someone is intending to hurt us by mis-gendering, or when it's an innocent mistake. 

Give yourself time, and forgive yourself if you make mistakes. When one person transitions, the whole family transitions. Transition is difficult, but realize it has many joys as well. Your child is likely to be much happier, living as they believe they should be living. You will mourn the daughter you thought you had, but they will be the same person you have always loved. 

I do hope you have good support. P-FLAG is a good source of support; local chapters vary in how much support is trans-specific. Some trans support groups have separate breakout groups for significant others, friends, family members, and allies (SOFFAs). Some trans support groups don't have the resources for breakout groups.I sometimes think our families need more support than we do - we are the ones who are getting to do what we have always wanted to do - our families didn't ask for this big change in our lives. I wish support for family members were more readily available than it is. 

Things have gotten much better for trans people. When I was a teenager, I could've been arrested for wearing clothes not designed for my birth gender - that is, if my parents hadn't had me involuntarily hospitalized first, as many were. The alternative was to be silent and play a role that didn't fit us. Your child is living in a much better world.


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## LivingAgain

jilldavidson said:


> You have already gotten excellent advice. But as a trans person, I wanted to tell you that it sounds like you are doing fine in supporting your child. People who have known us the longest, people who care the most for us, are going to make mistakes with the pronouns. It's OK - eventually it will be a habit. My in-laws (who have been my actual parents for the last 40 years) still call me by my birth name unintentionally and use the wrong pronouns - but they have known me half their lifetimes, and I told them when I came out that I will always love them whether they called me my birth name or not. Right intentions are more important than getting it right every time - and we can get whether someone is intending to hurt us by mis-gendering, or when it's an innocent mistake.
> 
> Give yourself time, and forgive yourself if you make mistakes. When one person transitions, the whole family transitions. Transition is difficult, but realize it has many joys as well. Your child is likely to be much happier, living as they believe they should be living. You will mourn the daughter you thought you had, but they will be the same person you have always loved.
> 
> I do hope you have good support. P-FLAG is a good source of support; local chapters vary in how much support is trans-specific. Some trans support groups have separate breakout groups for significant others, friends, family members, and allies (SOFFAs). Some trans support groups don't have the resources for breakout groups.I sometimes think our families need more support than we do - we are the ones who are getting to do what we have always wanted to do - our families didn't ask for this big change in our lives. I wish support for family members were more readily available than it is.
> 
> Things have gotten much better for trans people. When I was a teenager, I could've been arrested for wearing clothes not designed for my birth gender - that is, if my parents hadn't had me involuntarily hospitalized first, as many were. The alternative was to be silent and play a role that didn't fit us. Your child is living in a much better world.


Thank you so much for your kind words and advice!! I am doing the best I can and I think my son knows it 

Yes, I agree; it is a much better world these days. I am so sorry for the things that happened to you  Hopefully people will continue to support the LBGTQ community so that is gets better and better for those in the future!

Weird thoughts last night; I am very much a photo person and my family has dozens of photo albums that we occasionally flip through. What happens to all the pictures and memories of my little girl? I wonder if he will want these "put away" or can we still look at them and remember all the fun we had as a family years ago?


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## jilldavidson

LivingAgain said:


> Thank you so much for your kind words and advice!! I am doing the best I can and I think my son knows it
> 
> Yes, I agree; it is a much better world these days. I am so sorry for the things that happened to you  Hopefully people will continue to support the LBGTQ community so that is gets better and better for those in the future!
> 
> Weird thoughts last night; I am very much a photo person and my family has dozens of photo albums that we occasionally flip through. What happens to all the pictures and memories of my little girl? I wonder if he will want these "put away" or can we still look at them and remember all the fun we had as a family years ago?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whispersofme

Let your son decide what to do with those pictures of his childhood - I'm sure they still hold fond memories for him as well. You can focus on the happy, loving moments that lead to the pictures being snapped. 

One thing a Trans friend did when she finally had her name legally changed to reflect her gender was that she had a "birthday" with her family & close friends, complete with new documents, professional photographer, cake and ice cream. She made a photo albumn of that special day, and keeps it with all her old ones - only this one is labelled "The New and Improved Me". Other Trans friends have done similar things - your son is still the person he was before - likes, dislikes, personality, except now he will feel like he fits his own body (this is how it was described to me by a friend of mine at least). 

I just wish everyone had parents like you! I still have to keep parts of my life tucked away from my Mom and I'm 46 w/kids of my own!


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## LivingAgain

I have never asked him and assume it doesn't bother him because I also have numerous framed photos of family and the kids displayed and he's never said anything. But I shouldn't assume and ask him 

Love the birthday party idea!! He plans on legally changing his name when he turns 18 in January. I'll ask if he likes the new birthday party idea.

Making his appointment this afternoon for medical and trans intake consultation - have to wait until late October (next school day off) to schedule because the clinic is 2 1/2 hrs away.

Points for MOM - spoke with a customer today who saw me and son last weekend out shopping and he asked about my son  I used correct pronouns and name...work in progress!


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## LivingAgain

Appointment made for initial medical and trans intake consult for October 25th


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## Anon Pink

I can imagine you are both excited and scared. Best of luck! You're a good Mom!


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## Syco

whispersofme said:


> I just wish everyone had parents like you!


:iagree:


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## Wing Man

At least you're not one of those looney parents trying to talk their 5 or 6 year old kid into changing genders, when at that age those kids have no real clue or slightest idea of what is what and who is who yet.


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## LivingAgain

Email to family and friends after I review with son. Any comments or advice?

Dear Family and Friends,

As all of know, Girl came out a few years ago. As most of you may know, earlier this year Girl identified as transgender. She identified with her feelings of being “born in the wrong body” and felt she wanted to live her life as a male. After a few months, she came to me and said she thought maybe she was mistaken and returned to her lesbian life.

Last week, Girl came to me and stated that she was indeed transgender. She had returned to her LBGTQ support group where she is known as her male persona, and said she immediately felt right and comfortable. She had “backed off” on her initial coming out because she felt she made everyone uncomfortable. But she now realizes she needs to be who she truly is, no matter how uncomfortable others may be. I commend the bravery displayed by this act!

From here on out, Girl is Boy. 

This process he has been through; the identifying as lesbian in early teens and the backing off coming out as trans is very common and normal for transgenders. 

This is not only a process for Boy, but for all of us close to him. I am asking that everyone be very conscious of name and pronoun use. It’s tough, I know! But, as ones who love him, our intent should be to honor and respect who Boy is and support him in every way possible. And honest “slip-ups” are understood in this transition.

I am amazed at the strength and courage all trans teens display when they become true to themselves. Thankfully society is more accepting than ever, but it does need to get better and I intend to become active with Boy in the Trans Community to support all those kids out there who may not have the love and support Boy has from his family and friends.

Boy has an appointment in October at the XXXX Center in Hometown for an initial trans intake and medical consult. His first steps are to start testosterone treatment. This will aid him in a deeper voice, hair growth and basically being able to look in a mirror and see a reflection that matches who he really is.

I sincerely hope we all can come together and be nothing but a huge support for Boy so he knows we all love him for who he is, not what he was born as.

If anyone has any questions or concerns, please feel free ask!

Love you all,
LA


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## Syco

Wing Man said:


> At least you're not one of those looney parents trying to talk their 5 or 6 year old kid into changing genders, when at that age those kids have no real clue or slightest idea of what is what and who is who yet.


Just overheard this today: 

"_Why can't gays, lesbians and freaks just leave our kids alone and let boys be boys and girls be girls? It's sickening._"


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## LivingAgain

Syco said:


> Just overheard this today:
> 
> "_Why can't gays, lesbians and freaks just leave our kids alone and let boys be boys and girls be girls? It's sickening._"


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## Wing Man

My older brother and his wife at the time(they're divorced now)have three boys who are all 24 - 22 - and 19 that were all raised the same way, and as time went on we all noticed that the two younger ones were rough and tumble and played sports and had crushes on the girls at school. But the oldest one hated sports and never even tried to play them - had a very feminine demeanor and personality - and never showed much interest in the girls except as bff's. Well fast forwarding to now the younger two are still rough and tumble and playing sports and chasing girls, but the oldest boy is in an openly gay relationship in college and "came out" to our family officially 3 years ago but we all already knew it since he was very young.

As far as how he's treated we all show him the same love and support of the other two and frequently talk to him on Facebook(he lives 1,000 miles away), and we know this is just how he was BORN and not something anyone tried to force on him or talk him into.


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## Syco

Don't worry LivingAgain, the colleague is a cumbucket.


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## LivingAgain

Very discouraged at my older son's reaction to all this. We spoke last night and his response to these development's were, "Oh, she's back to this again" and rolled his eyes.  I admonished him and said, No matter what your feelings are on this, he needs support and understanding. I know older son has feelings he needs to process about all of this, too, but I hope he genuinely comes around to understand that this is who his BROTHER is and supports him unconditionally.

Also spoke with oldest D and she is concerned about her children and how to go about the adjustment for them. They are soon to be 8 yrs and 5 yrs old. She isnt sure how to have them go from Aunt XXX to Uncle XXX...

Think I may have that joint session with son's therapist soon to sort some of this out.


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## LivingAgain

Sent the letter after speaking with son, who ok'ed it 
Sent via private message on FB because that's where everyone is these days and the easiest way to get info to them fast.
Received a few positive replies since last night 

I figure giving everyone notice makes it more comfortable when we see them in person.

Lovely weekend here. Older son's birthday; spending the day with my kids


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## mablenc

LivingAgain said:


> Very discouraged at my older son's reaction to all this. We spoke last night and his response to these development's were, "Oh, she's back to this again" and rolled his eyes.  I admonished him and said, No matter what your feelings are on this, he needs support and understanding. I know older son has feelings he needs to process about all of this, too, but I hope he genuinely comes around to understand that this is who his BROTHER is and supports him unconditionally.
> 
> Also spoke with oldest D and she is concerned about her children and how to go about the adjustment for them. They are soon to be 8 yrs and 5 yrs old. She isnt sure how to have them go from Aunt XXX to Uncle XXX...
> 
> Think I may have that joint session with son's therapist soon to sort some of this out.


There will be a period of adjustment for all, one thing I will point out is the children will be fine. Children don't tend to discriminate unless there an adult contaminating them with their personal view. They are more likely to say "ok" and keep on playing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LivingAgain

mablenc said:


> There will be a period of adjustment for all, one thing I will point out is the children will be fine. Children don't tend to discriminate unless there an adult contaminating them with their personal view. They are more likely to say "ok" and keep on playing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think they will be ok with it, too. It'll just be a bit strange in the beginning, but as long as all the adults are on board and supportive, we can handle their questions and they will be fine.

Found a good forum where a grandmom posted her talk with her grandchild on the exact subject. I took a lot from that post and sent to my D. She liked it and will probably use most of it for her talk with her kids.


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## whispersofme

I've found that the most accepting people in the world are children - they take things at face value and don't really care about the specifics. I would consult with the therapy group your son attends and ask if there are any guidance on how to deal with informing younger children of the change. 

They can always just be told to call your son by a mutally agreed on nick name - just a thought. 

Glad that things are progressing in the manner you want - there will be bumps but that is life in general.


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## TikiKeen

I'm late to this but want to thank you for this thread. I like being able to come to TAM and know that others have aspects of my nutty life.

(Having a FtM kid isn't the nutty part; sibling wars and spousal communication are, though!)

My 14 y.o. is FtM, came out in August. I still vacillate between how I address him, and have asked for time to retrain my brain. I haven't had the benefit of time to contemplate like my child has had.

One brother doesn't care, and the other is suddenly an activist. The only time I get the "sheesh, when it this going to end?" is when there is a war for attention going on.

Again, thank you so much for this entire conversation!


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## OhGeesh

@livingagain, are you married? What does your husband think?


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## LivingAgain

TikiKeen - yes, retrain the brain is right! Good news tho, older son actually referred to his brother with male name last week 

OhGeesh - newly divorced  Ex says to son that he accepts it so I guess he is ok with it (even tho he is homophobic?) As long as he can pretend so as not to hurt feelings, I'm ok with that.


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## TikiKeen

My "everything" phobic and bigoted ex thinks it's a phase. Kid feels the vibes and doesn't visit for now; ex and his new wife are all about strict gender roles (that's part of why he's an ex). 

Our town has a fantastic GLBT community, with programs geared for teens. We're really lucky to be in this enclave of liberals. (We actually live in a podunk town outside the town, and that's another story for another kid thread, I'm sure.)

My mom asked him yesterday if he plans on getting "a penis and balls." (Our whole family is blunt and funny.) After a "yes" from my son, Mom said "You know they'll hang so low they hit the toilet seat when you're old, right?" And we all laughed. 

LivingAgain, looking back, are you able to see hints from early childhood? I know I sure can, in hindsight.


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## LivingAgain

Your family sounds like mine - straight and to the point with lots of humor! 

Hints from early childhood? Not to the extent that I would have thought he was born the wrong gender. Always a tomboy; nine seasons of softball, never a girly, girl dresser but did go through early teen make-up years. When he came out as a lesbian in eighth grade - no big surprise  

He says he always deep down felt it but tried to "fight" it because of society and really wondering if he was normal!

We are at the very start of all of this so I am still getting my head wrapped around a new reality.


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## TikiKeen

Heads up, LA, if you're in California, this effort to repeal AB1266 is active and will directly affect your child if he's a senior next year.

Short version: don't eat Jelly Bellies.


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