# Hurt by an EA



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

Oh first time poster here.Well I am here because my DH had an EA just last week.I had been so wondering why he was hiding his computer screen and typing with this smile on his face all the time .I kept trying to find out he kept saying its just a friend .
Okay if just a friend why so secret ?
Anyway I was checking on a order I made and it goes to his email .Well while in there I saw an email from a woman.I read it and wow I was so shocked .
I confronted him and wow did we ever have a fight .He blamed me for it .He swears its only been 3 days .
Really can an EA start in 3 days ? I doubt this myself .
We fought for a while ,he calls me later and says well can I still be friends ? I am like NO nothing if you want this marriage to work.

Now I so want to find out about the OW but I don't see how I can or if it would do me any good .
He says well at least it was not a PA but I say are they both bad .
Now I having this hysterical bonding I read about .
Can't do it enough can't stand being apart .
I think he now thinks I am too clingy .
I can't win for loosing .

I asked about OW said is she prettier than me ? He says no your both about the same .
I do think he has cut of all contact as of last Monday .
Yet I am still hurting .
I almost left him when he said he wanted to still "be friends" .
I am at a loss we are working it out but I still feel hurt I guess .
I know I am not perfect but wow we have been through way worse things than me being the way he says I am to have caused it .
Can anyone relate ? Any words of advice ?
I have been searching the forums quite a lot ,but felt I needed to post my story.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tell your husband you want her name and contact info.

Tell your husband to write her a no contact e-mail.

He is to give you his passwords to all e-mail and social networks.

He is to give you access to all chat logs/e-mails involving this woman for you to read

If the OW is married forward these logs and e-mails to her husband.

He`s still leading you on, do the things listed above and he will be unable to lead you on any more.

You didn`t cause this, he`s gaslighting you.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Find the OW by dropping a key logger on to his PC and find her info. then find if she has a husband or BF. Don't warn you husband first, and contact the bf/husband and talk to them about what you've seen.

Expose the affair.

btw - he's more likely than not taking it underground so you won't be yelling at him, but he'll still be talking with her - look out for long bathroom breaks, walks, long drives etc.


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Tell your husband you want her name and contact info.
> I do know this as I saw the email
> Tell your husband to write her a no contact e-mail.
> He says he has done this
> ...


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Find the OW by dropping a key logger on to his PC and find her info. then find if she has a husband or BF. Don't warn you husband first, and contact the bf/husband and talk to them about what you've seen.
> 
> Expose the affair.
> 
> btw - he's more likely than not taking it underground so you won't be yelling at him, but he'll still be talking with her - look out for long bathroom breaks, walks, long drives etc.


I have thought about a key logger but don't really want to go there .
I am trying to believe he said it was over ,I am just trying to deal with my feelings now .
Like what to do with them ,part of me is still hurt and I am trying to trust him once again .


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Snowflake said:


> I have thought about a key logger but don't really want to go there .
> I am trying to believe he said it was over ,I am just trying to deal with my feelings now .
> Like what to do with them ,part of me is still hurt and I am trying to trust him once again .


Why would you believe a man who has been lying and gaslighting you?

He won`t stop it until you force him to.


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

I think I did force him to this past Tuesday .Shouldn't I try and start trusting him again ?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Snowflake said:


> I think I did force him to this past Tuesday .Shouldn't I try and start trusting him again ?


You can`t "try" to trust some one.

Its earned.


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

tacoma said:


> You can`t "try" to trust some one.
> 
> Its earned.


I know but I just mean if he seems to want to work it out ,I am going to let him .I have invested to much of my life to not try.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Snowflake said:


> I know but I just mean if he seems to want to work it out ,I am going to let him .I have invested to much of my life to not try.


 The fact that he asked you if he could still be friends with her tells you that he does not want it to be over and that he is not thinking clearly because he is in the fog.


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

TRy said:


> The fact that he asked you if he could still be friends with her tells you that he does not want it to be over and that he is not thinking clearly because he is in the fog.


Yes he did say this on Tuesday but I said no way no how cold turkey .He then told me he was sorry and that he deleted all contacts .


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

EA can start in less than three days. I have to travel for work with co-workers on a weekly basis. Not over night but sometimes driving for 2 hours one way. A few months ago a young female co-worker was assigned to go with me for me to train.

During the drive there and back we talked. She was very easy to talk to and at the end of the day I found I was looking forward to our next trip together. I was drawn to her. That is when to Red Flag went up in my mind. I realized this feeling was not appropriate at all. So I took steps to ensure that we would not be traveling just me and her together. Another person always went along.

So -YES- an EA can start in only three days. I saw it coming in less than 4 hours.

Tell him straight up that his relationship with the OW is making you uncomfortable and you do not feel it is appropriate for a married man to show attention to another women.

Do not feel guilty about a keylogger of any other kind of snooping device. You need this for your sanity. There can be no secrets in a successful marriage.


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

Okay thanks I was just kind of shocked it was happening so quick .Maybe for guys it can ,I guess me thinking like a woman for me it would take time lots of time .
I did tell him to end it all signs point to that it has .
I am just really wishing I could find out about the OW .She did send one more email I saw it and I said she didn't want it to be over but he deleted it without replying .I know because I was watching .


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Snowflake said:


> I know but I just mean if he seems to want to work it out ,I am going to let him .I have invested to much of my life to not try.


And that`s just fine snowflake but please don`t be niave about it.

Your trust in him will not return quickly nor will it return because you`re "trying" to trust him.

The trust will return through actual verification and an attitude of remorse from your husband.

Trusting him right now is the worst mistake you can make.
Taking the first steps towards rebuilding the trust is what you have to do and you can`t do that until the affair has been stopped for sure.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Snowflake said:


> I am just really wishing I could find out about the OW .She did send one more email I saw it and I said she didn't want it to be over but he deleted it without replying .I know because I was watching .


Ask him who she is.
I don`t see the problem with this.

You need to find out who she is and who her husband is if she has one.

This is your best bet of stopping the affair.


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

tacoma said:


> And that`s just fine snowflake but please don`t be niave about it.
> 
> Your trust in him will not return quickly nor will it return because you`re "trying" to trust him.
> 
> ...



Thank you I do think it has stopped


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Ask him who she is.
> I don`t see the problem with this.
> 
> You need to find out who she is and who her husband is if she has one.
> ...



All I know is her name ,that she is not from my country ,and that she is not married .
I do know where they met online .
I am not a member of that social network .(its not face book)
I had thought of joining just to spy on her but I have not done so .


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Snowflake said:


> Thank you I do think it has stopped


How are you verifying this?

I only keep pushing the point because I've rarely if ever seen an affair stopped by asking for it to stop.

Once the betrayed discovers the affair the cheater will take it underground unless the betrayed takes positive action to kill it.

Such action includes..

Exposure (telling the spouse of the affair partner or family of the cheater)
Divorce papers (Many cheaters don`t take their betrayed spouses threats seriously until they actually see them going through with it.)
Separating with intent to divorce (Remove the cheater from the household)


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Snowflake said:


> All I know is her name ,that she is not from my country ,and that she is not married .
> I do know where they met online .
> I am not a member of that social network .(its not face book)
> I had thought of joining just to spy on her but I have not done so .


Is your husband still a member of this social network?

A good boundary for reconciliation would be that he no longer has access to online social networks.

Do you have the passwords to his e-mail and online accounts?

this is also a good boundary considering where his cheating started.

You can trust him again but he has to go out of his way to show you remorse and transparency.

How is his attitude about the situation?


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

tacoma said:


> How are you verifying this?
> 
> I only keep pushing the point because I've rarely if ever seen an affair stopped by asking for it to stop.
> 
> ...


She is single 
I don't wish a divorce though I did threaten
I thought of leaving but he asked me to stay


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Is your husband still a member of this social network?
> 
> A good boundary for reconciliation would be that he no longer has access to online social networks.
> He deleted the account
> ...


He is acting like he did when we were dating


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

While on the one hand you don't trust him, you want to trust and work on your marriage as well. This is what people in this forum are pointing out. Okay?
Allow yourself some time to grasp this. If you don't want to take decisions (I see that you have already given him ultimatums) in a rush, wait and observe.
We also see that you have really lost the trust. So, wait and see if trust comes in.....


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

Thanks everyone it helps talking it out .


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Snowflake said:


> Okay thanks I was just kind of shocked it was happening so quick .Maybe for guys it can ,I guess me thinking like a woman for me it would take time lots of time .
> I did tell him to end it all signs point to that it has .
> I am just really wishing I could find out about the OW .She did send one more email I saw it and I said she didn't want it to be over but he deleted it without replying .I know because I was watching .


My wife started an EA in three days in 2010. FB friend request. As per our agreement I check out her FB friend requests and she mine. The OM seemed ok, married, children, church going, and it was because "they play the same game". Within three days she was in love and sex texting the OM like crazy for weeks on end. All it took was the OM to say, "You are pretty". I busted it up at the end of May 2010.

Fast forward to July 2011. Same thing except this one went PA because the OM was local. 

Three days is not uncommon.


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

Wow okay I am just kind of floored .When we were dating he did not say the I love you stuff till we had been dating exclusively for 3 months .
This is what still HURTS Majorly 3 days and for me 3 months ....
and he saw me in person every day ,not some picture of me from some far away location ...


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Snowflake said:


> Wow okay I am just kind of floored .When we were dating he did not say the I love you stuff till we had been dating exclusively for 3 months .
> This is what still HURTS Majorly 3 days and for me 3 months ....
> and he saw me in person every day ,not some picture of me from some far away location ...


3 days on good ole 'Fantasy island" where they project only positive things about themselves, no flaws, no burbing, not thier true seleves, the stuff dreams are made of and of course thats all it is, a big dream world..they just dont know it...YET!!!


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> 3 days on good ole 'Fantasy island" where they project only positive things about themselves, no flaws, no burbing, not thier true seleves, the stuff dreams are made of and of course thats all it is, a big dream world..they just dont know it...YET!!!


 Do you think he critizied me to her ? I mean he blamed me for him doing it ..He says its because I got mad and acted like a child some times .Funny cause he did that also but him doing it its like no I am doing it right your the one doing it wrong .


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Snowflake said:


> Do you think he critizied me to her ? I mean he blamed me for him doing it ..He says its because I got mad and acted like a child some times .Funny cause he did that also but him doing it its like no I am doing it right your the one doing it wrong .


Who knows, if he critizied you... he blamed you because thats what they do, theres no rhyme or reason for it, it's called blame shifting, so he wont be accountable for his actions,he's the one acting like a child, instead of trying to communicate with you, whats he do instead?...


----------



## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Who knows, if he critizied you... he blamed you because thats what they do, theres no rhyme or reason for it, it's called blame shifting, so he wont be accountable for his actions,he's the one acting like a child, instead of trying to communicate with you, whats he do instead?...


I guess I should have known that .


----------

