# How to ruin your 40th birthday surprise



## scube (Apr 23, 2014)

Hello, I suppose I should say a few words about myself and our relationship. I'm a fresh 40 year old, married for two years with a 6 month old son (greatest thing in my life, like a tasmanian devil crossed with Tickle me Elmo).

Life after marriage hasn't been easy on me. Financially we're ok, we travel a lot, junior's not been too much of a hassle. But I'm a "perfectionist blamer". At least that's what my wife calls me. I need things done my way and I need to assign blame for general ****-ups (often to myself: I'm nothing but fair). My wife's rather a worry-free, procrastinating slob type. All good when she was a student (she's 12 years my junior), but not with the kid in our life it's getting my hackles up.

I just turned 40 yesterday. This Sunday is our son's baptism (a big thing with my wife who's a practicing Catholic). Day after we're going on a week-long trip to Czech Republic (we live in Europe). The next weekend is our friend's huge birthday party, which my wife is organizing. Why am I telling you all these details? To set up the crisis we had today which makes me feel like a total ... male body part, yet I can't help but be very pissed off at her too.

So yesterday she took me and my dad (visiting from Seattle) to a dinner as a birthday thing. She knows I'm not a big fan of these things. Our thing is the surprise party. I figured a BIG surprise party would be nice for a 40th. Now, being Tuesday, everyone's at work and all, it's understandable that a party would be difficult to set up. Yet I was hoping. She was so busy the past month organizing the baptism thing and her friend's birthday and all she was talking about were these two things. Yesterday at dinner, I couldn't help but be disappointed. I was looking over my shoulder hoping that my fam bam would jump from behind the screen but nothing doing. We went back home and to sleep.

Today something snapped. Perhaps it was work-related stress (I had some last minute cancelled meetings and projects and basically ended up wasting a day at home), perhaps it was jealousy over the other "more important things", perhaps mid-life crisis. Basically at one point I snapped and basically yelling at her said I was disappointed and felt like crap for being a very distant priority in her life (after our son's religious event and her BFF's birthday). Well... put my big foot in my mouth...

It turns out she was planning (still is) a big 40th birthday bash this Saturday with bunch of my friends and family involved. Now I feel like crap. But I don't know if it's because I spoiled the surprise for HER or for ME. She is of course very hurt of my accusations of not caring about me, but I can't feel that her cover-up excuses she was using to work on my party were doing quite the opposite. Emphasizing the religious ceremony about which I don't give a crap but important to her family and constantly getting me involved in her friend's birthday simply made me feel... alone, left out, isolated, unloved and ignored?

I promised to keep it a secret that I DO KNOW the secret and I intend to, but what am I to feel? Am I at all justified in this situation? Am I going through mid-life crisis? Am I just an A-hole?

Bloody hell...

Casey


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nah I don't know that you are an ahole of not but that was certainly crap thing you did. Eat some humble pie and apologize and move on. Seems many get spun up about turning 40. My guess is this is a very temporary thing.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Reading this story, the thing that occurred to me is - isn't 6 months a little late for a baptism?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Oops. But this is only a symptom of a deeper issue, of course. You and your wife don't show each other love in ways that you each relate to as well as you could. You're emotionally talking cross purposes all the time. Gotta work on that. The Five Love Languages book isn't a bad start. You also both have to stop being critical of one another. There are better ways to get your points across.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

scube said:


> I promised to keep it a secret that I DO KNOW the secret and I intend to, but what am I to feel? Am I at all justified in this situation? Am I going through mid-life crisis? Am I just an A-hole?
> 
> Bloody hell...
> 
> Casey


Now would be a good time to develop a sense of humor. Yes. I said that. Why? 

(1) Because your wife almost got to pull off a great surprise party for you and if it weren't for you pouting and having a "pity party", she would have been successful.

(2) Now that you know, don't you feel rather foolish? Not angry? Embarrassed too? A sense of humor will help you save face.

(3) You are allowed of course to feel what you feel. You own that. But, after the drama you caused you might want to take a step back, laugh at yourself, let your wife also have a good laugh and make this particular birthday one of your best, simply because you now have the ability to laugh at yourself.

Oh, and Happy Birthday!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think you have nothing to worry about here. I does seem that you are in some ways distant on her priority list so in some ways what you said was warranted. What would she have done if she forgot, or even thought you forgot, her birthday? Women are, for the most part like this, if you make a mistake, it's a big damn deal, but, they make a mistake it's ok.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Yes, yes you are an a-hole.

First, for taking out external frustrations on your wife.

Second, for expecting a big surprise birthday party.

Third, for feeling "alone, left out, isolated, unloved and ignored" when she wanted you involved with all the other plans she was making.

Seriously, kick yourself in the a$$, apologize profusely, act surprised at the "surprise" birthday party and be an active, enjoyable participant in the baptism, after which you will thank your wife for doing such a great job organizing it.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

I'll say it plainly and probably get flamed. 

You turned FORTY years old, not ten. By know you should know how to get the f_ck over not getting all the attention. Even if it did hurt your feelings a bit, tough sh1t. Keep it to yourself.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ok, so you were a bit (ok, maybe more than a bit) of a a**hole, but this is just one of those skirmishes that happens in a normal marriage with the added stress of a new baby.

Apologize profusely to your wife, fake your way through the "surprise", and move on from this.

On a broader note, it is very good that you already realize the aspects of your personality that can create conflict in your marriage. You and your wife have very different personalities; you're a perfectionist, she's a procrastinator-slob (your words). Nothing wrong with being different, just work on ways that allow you to accept her for who she is, and stop doing the things that you know will provoke her. Stop assigning blame; it is not your role to be the judge and jury and it makes life miserable for everyone, you included.

You need to both make some adjustments and meet somewhere in the middle. You need to relax your standards a bit, and she needs to step hers up a bit.

I don't see a major problem here.


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## scube (Apr 23, 2014)

Maybe... I'm an atheist so it's my wife's thing. We were traveling and there was an issue of inviting the family. 


Starstarfish said:


> Reading this story, the thing that occurred to me is - isn't 6 months a little late for a baptism?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Our thing is the surprise party."

Well, SURPRISE! Pull on your 40 yr old big-boy pants and decide if you want to be surprised on your terms or hers. If on your terms, it isn't much of a surprise, is it?

Apologize for acting like a pouty little kid and thank her for the birthday dinner she did manage to arrange. Oh, and Happy Birthday!


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## scube (Apr 23, 2014)

You won't get flamed Omar. True words.



Omar174 said:


> I'll say it plainly and probably get flamed.
> 
> You turned FORTY years old, not ten. By know you should know how to get the f_ck over not getting all the attention. Even if it did hurt your feelings a bit, tough sh1t. Keep it to yourself.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> Reading this story, the thing that occurred to me is - isn't 6 months a little late for a baptism?


6 months is a little later than normal, but isn't all that unusual. I'm Catholic and my daughter was baptized at 4 months; had to coordinate with all the family that was traveling from around the country.


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## scube (Apr 23, 2014)

Best advice as of yet. Thanks survivorwife. Of course, I do appreciate all the advice, including the ones calling me an a-hole and a pouty little kid. 

You're right survivorwife, a sense of humor will get me through this. And hopefully we both can laugh about it too afterwards.

All other advice: I did apologize already and I do intend to pretend it's a surprise. I don't want to alientate my fambam.



survivorwife said:


> Now would be a good time to develop a sense of humor. Yes. I said that. Why?
> 
> (1) Because your wife almost got to pull off a great surprise party for you and if it weren't for you pouting and having a "pity party", she would have been successful.
> 
> ...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Wonderful! Now, can we talk about the 'perfectionist blamer' gig you have going? Won't work with a child in the house as you will drive yourself and your wife insane. Good luck.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Reading this story, the thing that occurred to me is - isn't 6 months a little late for a baptism?


I was 18 when I got baptized, but Im not Catholic
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

What does fambam mean, btw?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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