# My wife wants to leave me after 6+ Years. What can I do?



## chpef602 (Dec 15, 2011)

Hello,

I am hoping that someone can help me out. My wife has recently told me that she loves me but is not IN love with me anymore. From what I have been able to get out of her this is something that she has felt for many years and has waited for me to change some of my ways but I was unaware of it.

I have asked her to go to counseling or to try and work it out but she said that it is too late for this. We have a 4 year old daughter also so it makes everything more complicated all together.

When she originally told me about this decision it hit me hard and I sat down and remembered how we used to be. I noticed that I got lazy in our relationship and a lot of the stuff I used to do I had slowly forgotten about. I stopped letting her know that I loved her every day, I stopped helping around the house, etc.

I have seen the error of my ways but I cannot get her to give me any more time.

I did make a huge mistake early this year in that my wife and my daughter went to visit family out of state and although I told her I was fine with it, the lonliness in me was killing me not having them around. A girl started to flirt with me via text and I gave in. it was the largest mistake of my life. I never did anything with her but the damage was done.

I know I have made mistakes and a lot of them but I feel there must be some way to make this work. 

She told me last night that she tried to work it out but the problem is that she tried to work it out without telling me. Now I am on the same page and I am being told it is too late.

Is there anything that I can do?


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

The "I love you but not in love with you" speech along with I'm not to go to counseling, usually means "I fell in love with somebody else." Check out Coping with Infidelity section and you'll see what I mean.


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## chpef602 (Dec 15, 2011)

That was what I originally thought also. She has been very open to talk about things right now and I brought that up. She said there is no one and I really do believe her in that. She cannot physically go anywhere due to some health issues and I dont think that she would lie to me at this stage of the talks.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont tell us the specific issues she mentioned although maybe she didnt mention any which I doubt. Without knowing them one cannot really advise.


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## chpef602 (Dec 15, 2011)

She did not bring up any particular issues other than the flirting that I did. She made mention that we have both grown up but in 2 seperate directions.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Only flirting wouldnt cause this. Can you explain the two separate directions or dont you know what they are.


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## chpef602 (Dec 15, 2011)

Over the years I got comfortable. We used to do everything together. Over time, especially after we had our daughter, I got lazy. I would spend time with my Family until my daughter went to bed and then I got sucked into online gaming. I see now that it was a big rift for us. I also, now that I look back, see that I stopped getting her flowers and showing her that I love her.

It is all stuff that I know I can get back to but she is not willing to let me try to show her. She just feels that we are eventually going to end up in the same spot.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

How do you get on with your daughter. I see you will have to use her as the bargaining power. Saying your daughter will need her own dad one day not a different one.


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## chpef602 (Dec 15, 2011)

I am not looking to use her as a barganing chip. She is my daughter. No matter what happens I will be part of her life. I want my wife to stay with me because she is giving me a chance to show her that she still loves me.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Never mind what you want. We cant always have that. In this case my advice is 'force' your wife to stay with you because of your daughter and improve so that in the end she will love you.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

If you truly believe she's not with anyone, then tell her you are sorry about everything you've done. List all the wrong that you recognized you've done and tell her that you regret what you did. Basically whatever she says, agree with them all. Don't argue about anything, even if you know you are right.

Then show her that you've changed. Don't tell her anymore. Just show her.

That's the only advice I can give you, and it already has proven to work, with my wife.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^^^ Do what Sci said


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

accept said:


> Never mind what you want. We cant always have that. In this case my advice is 'force' your wife to stay with you because of your daughter and improve so that in the end she will love you.


OMG. OP do NOT do this. She will hate hate hate you for using your daughter this way.

My advice is accept the role you played in alienating your wife. We've all done it to some degree but others are less tolerant. She sounds like she's done to me...maybe you should just move on.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

sinnister said:


> OMG. OP do NOT do this. She will hate hate hate you for using your daughter this way.
> 
> My advice is accept the role you played in alienating your wife. We've all done it to some degree but others are less tolerant. She sounds like she's done to me...maybe you should just move on.


I agree. That would be terrible to do to her, yourself and your child. I wouldn't want to live with someone who didn't love me, let alone hated and resented me because I forced them to stay. What a terrible life, and what a way to teach a child how to live in disfunctional relationships.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*My wife has recently told me that she loves me but is not IN love with me anymore*
This was the beginning of the post. It doesnt sound like she hates him yet. I gave it as a suggestion, which may make his wife come round. He has also stated that he thinks he has improved enough.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Then they need to discuss it, see if it can be worked out. Using a child as a pawn to "force" someone to stay WOULD turn into resentment and hate eventually. No good would come with doing that for any of them. It takes two to make it work, he can't be the only one who wants it, she has to want it too. And from the sound of it, she's done. 

I hope you two can manage to work this out OP. Showing her you've changed would be a good way to start. Actions speak louder than words.

Good Luck!


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