# Wife having emotional affairs with three ex-boyfriends



## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

I have been married for around 7 months. A month back, I was using my wife's phone to check IM (WhatsApp) messages, with her permission, as my phone was not working. I noticed a message from a guy which said, "hugs, missing you" and my wife had replied with "miss you too". I was alarmed a bit but let it go thinking it might have been a very good friend. 

10 days back, I was checking mails on laptop and her account opened as she had forgotten to log out. On the very top, there was a chat with the same guy, which ended with "love you" and "love you too". I felt sick in the stomach. I did some more investigations in her emails, FB chats and IM chats. 

What did I find? There were 3 guys, all of whom she was involved with in the past (including physical relations). She was chatting with them almost daily, as a couple would chat. Lots of "love you" and "miss you"s, kisses and hugs...

None of these guys live in my city. 

Guy A: My wife had told her parents that he wanted to marry this guy but her parents were not willing. I didn't know any of this before marriage. He had come to my city a month back and my wife was upset about him not telling her in advance. She was upset about not getting to meet him in person. 

Guy B: My wife wrote to him that she wishes she was married to him instead of me and how she missed out on it. A month before our marriage, she asked him to continue keeping in touch with her and not "forget her".

Guy C: My wife mentioned to him that she was not satisfied with our sex life.

Confrontation: I confronted her couple of days back and at first I got denial and trickle truth. When I showed her the proofs, she said that she was talking to them because our relationship was not doing well but she wants to be with only me. She was not willing to share any details about who these guys were and nature of her relationships with them.

I started behaving distantly with her as I couldn't bear to even look at her face. We had another talk last night and she again blamed me and said that she went to these guys because I was not treating her well. That is not true at all, there has been no emotional/physical abuse from my side. I have been a good husband, best I could be. 

She also continues to underestimate the extent of her involvement with these guys. She has a problem with the term ex-boyfriends and says that all three were just good friends. She also said that she was not physically involved with any of these guys. The mails and chats I have suggest completely opposite. I am sure that even if one of the guys was staying in the same city as mine, there would have been a PA already. 

What should I do? I am in a very difficult place right now. I feel betrayed. I feel like I don't even know my wife anymore. If she would have been continuing affair with an ex-boyfriend because she couldn't marry him, I could have understood it. But she is flirting with THREE of her ex-boyfriends at the same time (she might have even dated them at the same time, from the dates of mails and chats). How could a person do that?

Any advice appreciated. 

*tl;dr:* Wife having simultaneous emotional affairs with THREE of her ex-boyfriends. I have proofs. When confronted, got denial and trickle truth.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Next time she tries to blame you, tell her that you are who you are and you can't be three guys at the same time.

This needs to be resolved with proper divorce papers. Give her the space she needs.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Huge red flag. Do you have kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

GutPunch said:


> Huge red flag. Do you have kids?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No kids yet, unfortunately.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

kids?
if not, my advice is to move on. 
don't be plan D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Your wife has issues. I suggest divorce or an anullment. You should still be in the honeymoon phase of your marriage but instead you are dealing with three EA's and her gaslighting you. 

So sorry but you need to run. It will only get worse for you. Kids with this woman is out of the question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

First things first. Contact the other men's wives and tell them how they are telling your wife how they love her. Firstly you want them out of the picture. Secondly, if they contact your wife again she will go ballistic on you and you will know contact is being maintained.

Married six months, how long have you been together? Your ages?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

dhinchak03 said:


> No kids yet, unfortunately.



No no no, you've got this backwards. You mean ... no kids yet, fortunately.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Tell her that if she thinks that you don't treat her well and that she really wishes that she married Guy B, (or A or C) then there is a wonderful invention at the front of the house that she should use: it's called a door.

Seriously, no kids, and she's pulling this crud only 7 mos. in? Get rid of her, and find a REAL woman who knows what REAL love is.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

dhinchak03 said:


> No kids yet, unfortunately.



You wrote this totally incorrectly... What you should have said is the following:

*No kids yet FORTUNATELY!*

Kids do not fix marriages. They are collateral damage when marriages end in divorce. Please understand that. It really is that simple.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

7 months or 7 years? She will do it again and again and again.


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## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

syhoybenden said:


> No no no, you've got this backwards. You mean ... no kids yet, fortunately.


Meant to type fortunately. My head is messed up right now


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I did not need to read further than "7 months". The only person you need to contact is a divorce lawyer.

This is not rocket science. Move on. It will not get better.

And thank her for showing her true colors sooner rather than later.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Her saying that these guys were "just friends" and that no physical contact happened? That is called TRICKLE TRUTH. That is when the WS tries to minimize what they have done, starting out with "There's nothing going on", then "We only hugged once", then "We only met for lunch once", then "We only kissed once"...

...notice the pattern? 

She is most likely hiding more, much MUCH MORE than she is admitting. In short, trickle truth is when the WS only gives out little bits and pieces, usually only when confronted with hard evidence (as your W did), hoping that the next little tidbit is the one where you are finally satisfied and then shut up and get off of her case.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Seems like she may never have taken your marriage seriously.
Maybe you could make inquiries into how annulment works in your jurisdiction.
I mean, seriously, she's doing at the very least some heavy flirting with THREE ex(?)boyfriends during what should be by all rights the HONEYMOON period of your marriage!!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She wont share any information with you. She blames you for the mess she caused and you say you feel betrayed.

Well. You were betrayed. You were blamed for her infidelity and she's not only having an EA with one guy but three.

If it was me, I would tell her that since she will not tell you about the three men and wants to hurl the blame on you, then tell her "I wish you all the best and since I can't make you happy it will be best to pack up and leave because the pain on your face from me being such a lousy husband is too much to bear and I don't want to see you hurting so grab your suit cases and make you exit now."

No more talking,and when she tries to explain, tell her that she had her chance and now she only has to worry about which one of the three could fill her needs. 

Put her on the hot seat and give her no wiggle room because I have no doubt that she will continue lying to you. 

You can do a whole lot better than this.


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

dh ,
next time she blames you and says it's your fault,tell her you are sorry
and you will fix it for her asap : call OM1 , OM2 , OM3 and let them know that they can pick her up in an hour with her belongings.Then go dark on her,get a beer and enjoy the show.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Take the belowmentioned steps-
1) Send Guy A communications of Guy B and Guy C.
2) Send Guy B communications of Guy A and Guy C.
3) Send Guy C communications of Guy A and Guy B.
4)Send whoever attended your wedding communications of Guy A, B, C
5) File for D

It's a war, not love anymore. Total annihilation of your enemy is your only goal.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bad behavior continues with out consequences. It's time to command respect and dissolve the marriage.

This isn't some seven year itch or 15 year marriage with huge investments ,this is a women that has no boundaries and disrespected you right out of the gate.

I have a feeling your old lady thinks you aren't going any were an has you by the balls... If she thought for one second that she would have to deal with the consequence of losing you she may have been deterred from doing what she did.... or she just lacks a moral compass....any way she ain't built for marriage!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Get out now.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

For most men: the intense pain you feel now will PALE in comparison the day you find out old boyfriend E was in town and put HIS load inside YOUR wife.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

6301 said:


> She wont share any information with you. She blames you for the mess she caused and you say you feel betrayed.
> 
> Well. You were betrayed. You were blamed for her infidelity and she's not only having an EA with one guy but three.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This was well said. You are young and in a marriage a short time. I am going on 31 years of M and when my wife cheated, then cheated again and again, I started the process to end it. My wife In April 2013 came completely clean and repented.

But my young friend, a few months into a Marriage and your wife is doing this with at least three guys. You need to seriously consider ending this.

The fact that she does not want to explain the nature of those relationships shows that she has no respect for you. And it will take time for you to learn this but when a wife respects you that is all you really need, because everything else is hinged upon her having respect for you.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

He can do alot better if he thinks he can. He is accepting this because on some level he thinks all those guys represent her worth and desirability.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

I know it sounds strange but you are lucky(in a sense)!! You know this before being married too long...having kids to think about.. and no major financial fallout to consider by getting off this disaster train!!! Get out now!!!


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## OptimusPrime (Feb 11, 2014)

7 months in and you're dealing with this?.......she's lying and not coming clean with hard evidence given to her?.......

Yep, abandon ship and start over............you have too much time ahead of you and at this point 20 years from now you'll still be harboring doubts and anxiety over what she's doing when you're not around...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She will just get better at this. Next time, she will hide them better

How long did you date her before marrying her? This sounds like an arranged marriage she was forced to go through from parental pressure. 

How was her behavior towards you during the marriage?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

How old are you guys? Were either of you married before? How did you meet your wife and what do you know about her friends and romantic relationships before she met you?

WHY DID SHE MARRY YOU IF NOT FOR LOVE? Social pressure from friends and family? Fear that she couldn't get anyone better than you to commit to her? She told her parents she wanted to marry the one guy, but did he ask her to, and she said no, or he never asked?

Prior to your discovery, and also in hindsight, how would you evaluate your wife's performance in the relationship up to this point? Do you feel she was committed to you, deeply in love with you, sexually attracted and satisfied by you?

My initial reaction from your post, no kids, exchanging I love you's with three different men, so early in your marriage, is that you never had a real marriage to her. Now you confront her and all you get is lies, admitting to only what you show her you already know from other sources. Does this sound like someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?

NO KIDS! Probably not a lot of shared assets. My initial reaction is get out now while it's still relatively easy (I know it hurts emotionally, but at least it won't be so bad financially and you won't have to deal with her regarding custody for 18 years).

If I were in your situation, if this had happened to me, I doubt I would have posted on a forum like this. Within a day or two, after confronting her, I easily would have come to the conclusion to move on. The guys who post here, with horrible stories like yours, are always looking to save the unsaveable. Why are you even willing to give her another chance? Do you also feel like maybe you can't do any better than her? Shame of ending your marriage so early, like everyone will look at you as a failure? If it's the latter, don't worry, this is not your fault, and I can assure you the opposite also would be true - if people knew the truth, they would wonder why the heck you stayed with her.

She is a grown adult woman. She shows no sign of knowing right from wrong. She doesn't know how to apologize. Change is possible, but she doesn't want to.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Any woman that's got three emotional affairs going on can't be that invested in any of them. Methinks there may be some commitment issues here.....contrary to popular belief women have these too. I'm guessing she's young, how old are you guys?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Whatever you do, do NOT have any further sex with her! If she gets pregnant, not only are you PERMANENTLY on the hook with her, but you will forever doubt whether or not the kid is yours.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Why continue to bother yourself over this situation. It sounds as though she really doesn't consider herself married to you. Before this gets any more involved, cut her loose so she can pursue these other guys that she misses so much.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

F-102 said:


> Whatever you do, do NOT have any further sex with her! If she gets pregnant, not only are you PERMANENTLY on the hook with her, but you will forever doubt whether or not the kid is yours.


Huh? Did you just arrive from 1975? There is a thing called genetic testing which can definitively determine paternity. No reason to "forever doubt" such a thing ever again.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

dhinchak03 said:


> I have been married for around 7 months. A month back, I was using my wife's phone to check IM (WhatsApp) messages, with her permission, as my phone was not working. I noticed a message from a guy which said, "hugs, missing you" and my wife had replied with "miss you too". I was alarmed a bit but let it go thinking it might have been a very good friend.
> 
> 10 days back, I was checking mails on laptop and her account opened as she had forgotten to log out. On the very top, there was a chat with the same guy, which ended with "love you" and "love you too". I felt sick in the stomach. I did some more investigations in her emails, FB chats and IM chats.
> 
> ...


Saying to divorce is always a difficult issue because marriage is supposed to be forever....but 

7 MONTHS?!?!

Sorry but this is like bringing 3 other guys on your honeymoon. You're in the very beginning of your marriage, "the honeymoon stage". what do you think she's going to be doing at 7 years, 13 years, when she turns 40? Etc.

Stay married and expect a WHOLE world of hurt. Sorry to say.

She's not ready to be married and she's not that into you.


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## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

Thanks a lot for the responses, people. I appreciate the time you guys took out to help me. 

Last week has been pretty weird. I don't even feel like looking at my wife's face these days. There is a lot of resentment within me for her. I have never been betrayed like this. There is minimal communication between us. She has been trying to take things back to normal but I am just not ready for it. And I don't think I will ever be. I have been thinking a lot and I don't think I will be ever able to trust her again. So, looks like I am going for a divorce. 

I plan to tell my parents this weekend. I expect a shocked reaction from them and may be efforts to push me towards reconciliation. I live in India and divorce is still kind of taboo here. 

Meanwhile, I am trying to keep myself sane by being busy at work. Thankfully, I have a close friend who I can confide in and vent out my feelings. But overall, it has been the toughest time of my life. Appreciate the support here


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Does she work ?




> She has been trying to take things back to normal but I am just not ready for it.


Like what?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Like what?


Yeah, like what?
Let me guess, pretending nothing of this ever happened. After all this is not really a big deal.


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## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> Does she work ?
> Yes she does.
> 
> 
> ...


Like trying to speak to me as if nothing has happened. Behaving as if nothing has changed. Which pisses me off further because things are not normal!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

dhinchak03 said:


> Thanks a lot for the responses, people. I appreciate the time you guys took out to help me.
> 
> Last week has been pretty weird. I don't even feel like looking at my wife's face these days. There is a lot of resentment within me for her. I have never been betrayed like this. There is minimal communication between us. She has been trying to take things back to normal but I am just not ready for it. And I don't think I will ever be. I have been thinking a lot and I don't think I will be ever able to trust her again. So, looks like I am going for a divorce.
> 
> ...


I'm not being funny on this, how taboo is your wife's behavior? Which is worse?


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## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I'm not being funny on this, how taboo is your wife's behavior? Which is worse?


My wife's behavior is definitely taboo and worse as well.


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## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

So, I told my parents today. Their response was more or less on the expected line - especially my mother's. She seemed to be really weary of the possibility of divorce and advised me to 'compromise'. She thinks a divorce would risk the 'family honour'.

Dad was more rational. He has asked me to not take any decision in haste and give it some time. 

Telling my parents about this was very difficult. I was on the verge of breaking down. Actually, after the call, I cried my heart out. I feel that I have disappointed them once again with my choices (I have made couple of bad choices in the past and parents always got my back). Things had got better in my life from past 4-5 years and the marriage was important from the point of view of much needed stability in my life. Now, as I see it crumble down, I feel that I have failed my parents once again. 

Betrayal and disappointment of failing my parents - it is very very difficult to experience these two emotions at the same time. 

I will have a talk with the wife tomorrow. I will tell her my expectations which she needs to agree to for at least giving a chance to R. 
I am going to ask her 
1. to end all contact with these guys
2. give me all her passwords
3. allow me check her phone records at any time I want


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Read the title, skipped the posts.

There's nothing you could have written which would make me say anything other than DIVORCE.

She is seriously unstable and you deserve better. Please don't try to reconcile with this woman and have children. PLEASE


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

You are suffering coz of her betrayal now. If you stay with her and god forbid, have kids with her, and she does it again, then? You might want R again but if she doesn't? You want to put your kids through what you are going through? You have a golden opportunity to walk away. Stop thinking that you can fix stupid. It's your choice- D or a lifetime of misery.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the book

NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass

It can be downloaded. Both of you need to read it. Your wife may not even realize what or how bad an emotional affair is. Tell her to read it or divorce is a certainty.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dhinchak03 said:


> No kids yet, unfortunately.


Or fortunately.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your W craves attention from men. This won't end just because you want it to. If you decide to try to reconcile because you don't want to disappoint your parents, you will have an even harder time down the road.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Bud, unless there were blatant warning signs pre-marriage, don't feel that you've disappointed your parents: you didn't make the bad choice, your W made the bad choice in trying to keep these guys in her married life.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I think that she has given you quite the gift, wrapped with a pretty bow on top. If I was given this in the way of proof, I would have been elated. There is zero reason to stay. She has given you an out, take it. You need to find someone with healthy boundaries. There are a lot of great woman out there who know, understand and operate within the commitment of the marriage vows. For me that is the definition of marriage. That's the reason to get married. Devotion to one another and to make a family if that's what both of you want. Her getting attention from three ex-boyfriends is a super huge red flag. A flag that can't be ignored at all. For your health, sanity and mental well being, you need to evaluate this and move on and forward with your life. Don't wait another minute for another boyfriend to show up. I can tell you I would have cranked this to another level after one showed up. Flip this around, do you think she would have been okay if you had three ex-girlfriends show up or you were talking to them. There is a reason for the word "EX", that means you no longer have a connection with them at all. I know for a fact if my SO found out I was doing that, she would have lit me up and kicked my a** out the door. Go give your goodness and morals to someone that deserves it, not this person. You are wasting valuable time, time you can't afford. Good luck.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

dhinchak03 said:


> So, I told my parents today. Their response was more or less on the expected line - especially my mother's. She seemed to be really weary of the possibility of divorce and advised me to 'compromise'. She thinks a divorce would risk the 'family honour'.
> 
> Dad was more rational. He has asked me to not take any decision in haste and give it some time.
> 
> ...


You will look back at this post few years down the line and marvel at your own stupidity. This will be an important decision that will define the rest of your life and you are just going through blind optimism


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

Never stay with a woman who won't respect you


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

dhinchak03 said:


> I feel that I have disappointed them once again with my choices (I have made couple of bad choices in the past and parents always got my back).
> 
> Now, as I see it crumble down, I feel that I have failed my parents once again.
> 
> Betrayal and disappointment of failing my parents - it is very very difficult to experience these two emotions at the same time.


A few comments OP,

You made a bad choice by marrying her? Maybe. But one thing is for sure. You'd be compounding that mistake by staying with her - and that will turn your original mistake into an even worse one.

I'm sorry, and I'm sure this is a cultural thing; but I just can't understand a man who seems to be more concerned about what his parents would think of divorce; than his own happiness and self respect. Your parents can't live your life for you.

You want to try R with her? Okay; but I think what you'll realize at some point is that your wife was, and will still be looking for an exit affair. I'd be shocked if she showed you "genuine" remorse.

Think about what she said about you. That she wish she'd married the AP instead of you. That alone, for me and probably a lot of others, would be all I'd need to hear.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think you exposed prematurely however you can recover. Do some investigation, computer, phone, VAR in car and in house. 

She seems to need attention and I don't she can give it up so suddenly. You don't seem ready to leav e the relationship. That's ok you did not make this commitment on without consider. Using as much consideration to bail is wise. 

Knowing the extent of the deception and her current activities will help in you diliberations. You may have answer but may I ask how long you knew her before marriage ? How old are you and your wife? 

One thing to consider - you should be in the honeymoon stage if there was a strong attraction when you met. How did you meet and what was you relationship like in the beginning?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

dhinchak03 said:


> I started behaving distantly with her as I couldn't bear to even look at her face. We had another talk last night and she again blamed me and said that she went to these guys because I was not treating her well. That is not true at all, there has been no emotional/physical abuse from my side. I have been a good husband, best I could be.


Ya, what do you think she'd say if you told her you were going to go out and develop a relationship with another woman because she hasn't been treating you well? 

Next time she tells you she went outside the marriage and blames it on you, tell her to pack her bags and go to one of them for good. If you intend to keep this untrustworthy woman, then she needs to know that you can and will take steps to get her out of your life.




> She also said that she was not physically involved with any of these guys. The mails and chats I have suggest completely opposite. I am sure that even if one of the guys was staying in the same city as mine, there would have been a PA already.


Oh you bet there would have been a PA, and don't be so sure there hasn't. There are men closer to her she could have went out and f'd.



> What should I do?


Well that depends on what you want. My advice would be to get rid of her. But that may not exactly be your end game.

So if she wants to blame you, then there is no working on this marriage. So you need to show her that you are willing to have her pack her bags and go to one of them so he can take care of her, but you have to be willing to back that up.

Honestly, you know you can't really ever trust her again. But in the off chance you think you can, then you need to scare the sh!t out of her and make her think you are ready to dump her sorry ass. She will either do a 180, or she will take you up on it and like the idea of being single again. If its the latter, you'll know there wasn't anything you could do, and you can move on to better women.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

dhinchak03 said:


> No kids yet, unfortunately.


OMFG! Then its easy. GET RID OF HER!!!! Let one of these other guys take her in.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

dhinchak03 said:


> So, I told my parents today. Their response was more or less on the expected line - especially my mother's. She seemed to be really weary of the possibility of divorce and advised me to 'compromise'.


Compromise what? That she gets to engage in an EA with these guys only once in a blue moon?

There is no compromise here. Ball is in your court.




> She thinks a divorce would risk the 'family honour'.


No, a POS untrustworthy wife risked the "family honour".




> No matter which way you go, one thing you need to do for sure is, if these guys are married, send the correspondence between them and your wife to their wives. And your wife better not get mad and all protective of them.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I believe dhinchak03 lives in India. Dhinchak means fabulous in Hindi. Divorce is frowned upon culturally, hence his parent's view on it. I am going to assume that he had an arraigned marriage or a partially arraigned marriage.

I also understand that in India divorce is often harder on the woman (I may be wrong), but divorce is on the increase there but it is still more or less taboo in Indian culture.

If my assumptions are correct, please OP, no matter what you decide as to divorce, don't have children with this woman.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Drop this woman and go find yourself a nice Muslim girl.


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## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> I believe dhinchak03 lives in India. Dhinchak means fabulous in Hindi. Divorce is frowned upon culturally, hence his parent's view on it. I am going to assume that he had an arraigned marriage or a partially arraigned marriage.
> 
> I also understand that in India divorce is often harder on the woman (I may be wrong), but divorce is on the increase there but it is still more or less taboo in Indian culture.
> 
> If my assumptions are correct, please OP, no matter what you decide as to divorce, don't have children with this woman.


You are absolutely right. My parents are from a generation which doesn't even like the idea of a divorce. And yes, it was an arranged marriage. 

I haven't made any decision yet, still in the limbo stage.


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## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

dhinchak03 said:


> You are absolutely right. My parents are from a generation which doesn't even like the idea of a divorce. And yes, it was an arranged marriage.
> 
> I haven't made any decision yet, still in the limbo stage.


But yes, in the end, i will do what is best for me and not what my parents want.

Sometimes, people make you feel guilty just because you are thinking of yourself first. Not gonna fall for that. If i don't think for myself, who will? If that makes me selfish, so be it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Okay so there is a little more info about this. Besides the culture, strict religious upbringing and the fact it's frowned upon at what point do you say the hell with this. Limbo is a crap place to be. You have some hard fast decisions to make, maybe not fast, but for me I don't like limbo land. There is no forward progress to which nothing gets accomplished. That just sucks to use a bad vernacular. Question is what are you prepared to do? Eventually you will have to cross that bridge and it's a long rickety one at that. Good luck.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

She must understand that D is harder on the woman in India? If not then perhaps making her little attention seeking chit chats with ex lovers the next part of the plan in exposing her to her parents, if they know what is good for their daughter they will wallop her a$$ with a cane for being so stupid as to risk tarnishing a family name by screwing around.

I believe women are still beaten and flogged for such wrong doing in the Indian cuulture?

Need to bring that back the good old US of A I think :smthumbup:


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Statistically arranged marriages are just as successful as those who marry for so called love. There are obviously cultural differences between India and other cultures, but there are a few things that are true no matter where you live. Firstly your father is actually giving you sound advice, don't make a decision based solely on emotion, but should be thought out completely. 

Secondly, before you can forgive your wife for her transgressions, she has to be sorry for what she has done. Her continuing to keep in contact with these men shows disrespect for you and the marriage. Thirdly you will have to set firm boundaries and then let her make her decision if she want to work on the relationship or not. Part of these boundaries have to involve a no contact message to these men. She will have to divulge all passwords to devices and media. 

I wish that more people would make divorce a last resort instead of a first response. I believe that most relationships can be repaired IF both parties work to resolve their issues. If she is not committed to making this work, then act quickly and decisively.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

brokeneric said:


> Take the belowmentioned steps-
> 1) Send Guy A communications of Guy B and Guy C.
> 2) Send Guy B communications of Guy A and Guy C.
> 3) Send Guy C communications of Guy A and Guy B.
> ...


Why? He needs a divorce, period. He doesn't need to prove anything, just file. I'd investigate an annulment, it might be faster and cheaper.

Waging revenge will get him nowhere. It will just be a waste of his time and won't change a thing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think the divorce rate in India is less than 5%. Have you talked about a divorce to your wife? How does she feel about that? Has she quit talking to her exes?


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## too (May 27, 2013)

Did your parents arrange the marriage?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

dhinchak03 said:


> ...
> 
> I will have a talk with the wife tomorrow. I will tell her my expectations which she needs to agree to for at least giving a chance to R.
> I am going to ask her
> ...


Why ? For what reason ? She doesn't love you. While some arranged marriages work, this one clearly does not. 

You say that you see this as another one of your screw ups. Two observations on this - firstly, your parents vetting process did not work here (so they too would be partially at fault according to your thinking, since this was an arranged marriage). And second, you were lucky - she did this and showed her true colours early enough in the marriage for you to get out relatively unscathed (no kids, annulment possible) and having learned a valuable life lesson (you need to take care of yourself as nobody else will in such circumstances and what to watch out for the next time).

There is no doubt that she


Does not love you
Is staying with you as you provide support and are plan B
Thinks you will not do anything about her behaviour and she faces no repercussions
Will take one or more of these relationships further onto PA if she hasn't done already

There is also no doubt that you need to end this marriage as soon as possible - file for divorce or get it annulled - this is the only thing that she will pay attention to.


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## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> I think the divorce rate in India is less than 5%. Have you talked about a divorce to your wife? How does she feel about that? Has she quit talking to her exes?


Yes, I mentioned to her that divorce is a real possibility. She flipped out. She didn't expect that I would think of divorce. 

About communication with exes, she says that she has stopped talking. I checked her phone and didn't find any tracks. But she might have deleted the logs - who knows? I don't trust her. 

This Sunday is a big day - both of us are meeting mine and her parents. I will show the four of them all the proofs.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

dhinchak03 said:


> Yes, I mentioned to her that divorce is a real possibility. She flipped out. She didn't expect that I would think of divorce.
> 
> About communication with exes, she says that she has stopped talking. I checked her phone and didn't find any tracks. But she might have deleted the logs - who knows? I don't trust her.
> 
> This Sunday is a big day - both of us are meeting mine and her parents. I will show the four of them all the proofs.


Don't second guess yourself.
Sadly divorce is the only option here.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

3,4,5,6, do you see a pattern here. Less than 5%, well I guess you are in the 5th percentile. Why would you stay. Because it looks bad? Here in the states, we meaning I, don't like the fact that my other half, is talking to other men. I get down right possessive. When people talk and make a relationship grow, it tends to get ugly when more people are involved. Two people, two different perspectives, wants needs and so on. How would you even be able to keep things straight. No kids, no ties. Don't think, Walk!


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## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

I am STILL in limbo. The exposure to her parents went well, they were very critical of her. They didn't try to defend her in any way. 

She says that there was no PA with any of these guys. I too hadn't found any sign of her meeting with these guys, in the IM/emails I have. If there was no PA, then I *might* try to reconcile. 

But now that I remember, before confronting her, I had gone through her purse and I found 3-4 spare panties and bras. Is this normal? I searched on this forum and not many people think this is a normal behavior. Does this indicate a PA?

Or am I overreacting? Because I also found couple of sanitary pads. May be the spare panties are for an emergency during those days of the month? But then, why would you need spare bras?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

dhinchak03 said:


> I am STILL in limbo. The exposure to her parents went well, they were very critical of her. They didn't try to defend her in any way.
> 
> She says that there was no PA with any of these guys. I too hadn't found any sign of her meeting with these guys, in the IM/emails I have. If there was no PA, then I *might* try to reconcile.
> 
> ...


Well it doesn't seem good on first glance.

Are they everyday wear or more like lingerie?

And why multiples? Is she incontinent?

Off the cuff I'd say she seems overconfident in your inability to deal with her behaviour, whatever that might be. Not a good attitude for someone who wants to partake in a healthy relationship.


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## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

syhoybenden said:


> Well it doesn't seem good on first glance
> 
> Are they everyday wear or more like lingerie?
> 
> ...


No, she is not incontinent.
They were normal undergarments, no fancy laungerie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

dhinchak03 said:


> No, she is not incontinent.
> They were normal undergarments, no fancy laungerie.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please, listen to all of us here- we have seen this story played a thousand times and it always takes a similar path. You have a collective who is trying to warn a member of the tribe to danger.

Do not get lost in the semantics of technicality or social expectation: 7 months, 3 other men, no kids... GET.OUT.NOW!

Her panties and bras in purse, her texts and emails, who she has sex with- NONE of it matters to you now.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

It is pretty clear that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Rottdad said it best in one of his earlier posts: There is no reason to stay. You've only been married for seven months and this is the way you're treated?! Wow! Time to go!! Hope your tires leave burn marks on the pavement outside your house. :smthumbup:


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Now imagine the next few years..She changes or she gets better at hiding stuff.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you checked her clothes to see if she has bought fancy panties/thongs that she doesn't wear for you?

You mean she had more than one pair in her purse. Maybe irregular periods or spotting too.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you put a var in her car or house where she is likely to use a burner phone.

How is she treating you since exposure to the parents? Was she surprised you exposed her?


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## dhinchak03 (Feb 15, 2014)

Went through her FB chats and found out two more guys. 
**** has hit the fan now. 

Divorce it is. I will meet a lawyer soon.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

dhinchak03 said:


> Went through her FB chats and found out two more guys.
> **** has hit the fan now.
> 
> Divorce it is. I will meet a lawyer soon.




Best of luck to you man. Be sure to keep us up to date and to come back here if you need someone to listen. Plenty of people here have been jilted and can help buffer the lows that are inevitably coming.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

dhinchak03 said:


> Went through her FB chats and found out two more guys.
> **** has hit the fan now.
> 
> Divorce it is. I will meet a lawyer soon.


Do as your lawyer says. Be firm, do not agree to ANYTHING other than what you both are entitled. 

And if she asks a question about the divorce or anything DO NOT talk to her about it. Just tell he to have her attorney call your attorney. Because anything you say can be used against you. Best to not talk to her at all if you can help it.


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