# 20 years of marriage down the drain...



## Newguy52 (Apr 30, 2020)

Hello,



Last month I found that my wife is cheating on me. After 20 years of marriage and three years of being a couple, 23 years of relationship laid to waste. We have three children. 



After the initial shock, I came to the conclusion that I will not get a divorce. Don't get me wrong, I would If I could. This is a turning point in our life. Her company for the last few years is on the brink of a huge success and since we both started from scratch as self-made couple, I want my share of the profit. Before judging me, I supported my wife for the last 15 years since she finished her post-graduate studies. I was the main provider and supported her in any way from sports (which is an expensive hobby) to whatever, she desired. So, we built ourselves to this point. Hopefully, in three years, I can divorce her split our property by half and leave us both rich so I can retire peacefully without worries. I'm sorry for going astray. I'm trying to keep my head straight and think reasonably instead of reacting emotionally. I never thought that this will happen to us, but it did. 



I feel that I have reacted calmly. On the outside, everything is fine. On the inside, less. However, I feel betrayed more than jealousy. I am the type of a person who is giving space and knows when the battle is over. 30 years ago, I had a girlfriend for three years. She ended up cheating on me. I reacted very calmly albeit the pain and we broke up nicely.



I am not going to be horned husband with a response. Nothing dramatic, but I will have my fun and games (hopefully).



To be honest, I fear the future as I have my flaws. I suffer from social awkwardness. I had a few girlfriends in the past (before marriage). For me, the world has changed dramatically. My social skills are good to some extent. To be honest, I'm looking average minus, my ability to charm women is slim to none. I don't now how to flirt and my understanding of social cues from women is practically non-existent. I have been that way many years. I fear that If I will compliment a woman, she can say that I have sexually harassed her. By compliment I mean something gentle and not provocative or insulting.

Don't get me wrong, I am shy, fearing of being rejected (I've started with no more than five girls in my life, being rejected by four). How I had girlfriends before (five girlfriends with relationships lasting at least a year and above including my wife) still eludes me.



So, here I am, quite pathetic. However, I have been thinking about it for quite sometime. I have never cheated in my life. I am a straight arrow.



However, since the incident, I find myself quite lonely and without close friends. I can't share this with my friends.

However, I'm a warm and sexual person (yes, this is contrary to the outside of more distant and awkward persona), I not going to give up sex. I know this is sound very calculated, but I thought that since I'm traveling abroad each month, I can try girl friend experience. Don't get me wrong, before she was cheating on me, the thought never cross my mind and if it did, It was for an instant (like any normal man having a sexual thought for an instant and forget it a second afterwards (e.g. I see an attractive woman, fantasize on her for a few seconds, and forget about her in an instant. Needless to say, without doing anything!).



Psychologically, a potential therapist would say I'm hurting, angry and want a revenge. I can’t' deny that. But there is another reason, my chance of getting sex are slim to none otherwise.



Don't get me wrong, I'm still debating on the subject. I want sex, I need sex. I've treated woman with the utmost respect and being sexual person, I know how to pleasure a woman (well, being married for many years...).



The problem is that I don't want to have extra marital affair. Actually, to be honest, I don't know how to do it. I'm clueless. There are risks involved. I thought that the GFE will be the viable solution for the time being while I'm out of the country. I will pay for GFE experience.



At this point, I'm a bit depressed for what is lost. However, life will go on. Maybe in a few years, I will laugh on this post. But know, this sound the most viable solution. Someone to cuddle, have sex, without any emotional ties.



It is breaking me to say that I was loyal all these years. I am no longer obliged to be loyal. If everything will be fine, we will be divorced in a couple of years. It will be nice and civil (remember, three children).



Well, I would like to think that I am a good father, good enough husband. But, that's life. Quoting Monty Python: "Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition".



Any thoughts?

Yours,



TJ



PS. I’m sorry for any typo or ill phrased sentences or paragraphs. I was writing without any copyediting. Just need to vent.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I get you are venting and in turmoil.

Calm down before you do something you cannot take back.


For some, being petty and getting revenge works. That’s all you will be doing, is getting payback. Still, if you engage in affairs you are no better than your wife and it doesn’t matter who was the first cheater. Better yet, get caught, watch her divorce you, keep the profits and share the kids with the other man.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome @ Newguy52. I'm sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

Some questions for you: How did you find out? Does your wife know that you know? Do your children know? How old are your children?

Is there any chance of a genuine reconciliation between you and your wife? Would marital counselling be of any help? You'll be looking for counselling for yourself in any event?


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Cheating is an extreme form of selfishness. 

If you can maintain your relationship until the opportunity to retire wealthy is realised - why not? What do you think your cheating wife would do were the situation reversed.

And don't worry about your looks/confidence. Your experiences with teenagers/young women are not relevant to your future - just relax, act naturally and let the ladies find you - they will.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Your wife knows you after 23 years. Your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice are all clues to what you are really thinking and she will be able to read all of that.

So, if you really think that you can hide your plan to kill time until she is rich to divorce her, you are mistaken. Therefore, talk to a good divorce attorney if that is your goal and see what real legal options you have. 

If she has cheated on you, have you gotten tested for STD's? If not, get it done and let her know about it when you do and make her ask you about the results. I would also only use a condom if you have sex with her in the future. She is not to be trusted in matters of your health.

You might as well sit down with her and talk to her about what caused this "from her perspective." Don't argue with her, just listen and try not to take it too personally. The point of this is that you should really understand the story she is going to be spreading about you and why she had to cheat on you. 

I would also suggest you get the book by Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy. Read it and study it. Then work on getting a life. Use the next 3 years or less to improve yourself physically, emotionally, and remake yourself as a new you. Take up some hobbies you gave up when you got married, become a new and much more fabulous version of yourself. Do some crazy things. Go take Dancing lessons, boxing or karate, or take up nude figure painting. The point is to do something that both boost your confidence and that women will find fascinating and raise their eyebrows at you. It might even change the way your wife thinks about you and makes her regret her choice of cheating. The point is your life has changed and you need to make changes in your life so you will be more attractive to the next woman in your life.

Also you might want to get some individual counseling to work through anger, confidence and other issues. Learn about the stages of grieving the loss of your long term marriage.

Good luck.


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## mapman965 (Nov 1, 2019)

Newguy52 said:


> To be honest, I fear the future as I have my flaws. I suffer from social awkwardness. I had a few girlfriends in the past (before marriage). For me, the world has changed dramatically. My social skills are good to some extent. To be honest, I'm looking average minus, my ability to charm women is slim to none. I don't now how to flirt and my understanding of social cues from women is practically non-existent. I have been that way many years. I fear that If I will compliment a woman, she can say that I have sexually harassed her. By compliment I mean something gentle and not provocative or insulting.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I am shy, fearing of being rejected (I've started with no more than five girls in my life, being rejected by four). How I had girlfriends before (five girlfriends with relationships lasting at least a year and above including my wife) still eludes me.


I don't know how helpful this will be, but I'm going to tell you to not worry about it.

I was also married for 20 years, together with my ex-wife for 22 years, when I discovered her cheating. The fact that she was unwilling to give up the OM left no alternative but divorce for me.

I faced being a single father of two teens at 53. I was never someone who "had game" with women and basically no really serious relationships prior to my wife. I wasn't particularly fit (still am not!), kind of pretty much average in every respect. But you know what? I realized that being nervous about getting out into the dating scene was not going to serve me well. I know I'm a good guy, respectful, and level headed, and took that knowledge with me out into the dating world. I have what I have to offer and can't be anyone other than myself.

I also realized early on that it was going to be a numbers game. That's not a misogynistic perspective, because it's a numbers game for BOTH sides. You have to meet people in order to see if you click with them. In my case, I probably dated more in the first half of 2018 than I dated in my entire life. There were a lot of first dates that didn't go anywhere--either by my choice or by hers. That's the understanding out there when you are adult-dating--it's way different than when I dated in my 20s. There was so much more angst back then.

Now I've been seeing someone for coming up on two years. She is exactly what I needed in my life--the polar opposite of my ex. We are realistic about the future; neither of us knows what's going to happen, how long this will last, etc. But we enjoy each other's company. Living in the now.

So, Newguy, put yourself out there. Yes, rejection sucks, but I realized that I went through the harshest of rejections when my wife of 20 years, the mother of my kids, rejected me for another man. Scratch that--rejected _*our family* _for another man. After that I figured that no other rejection will sting as much. And I was right.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

What if your wife decides to divorce you? You probably have less control over this situation than you think.

Does she know that you’ve found out? I would at the least inform the other mans wife.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

To me, there isn't enough money that I would do what you are thinking. Have your lawyer draw up papers when she does strike it rich you will be back in court getting your share.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Newguy52 said:


> Hello,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 Well, since you are going to stick around for a few years....you can use that to work on yourself. Go to the gym,lift weights, exercise, get in good shape so that your body is healthy and hot. Work on meeting some people and forming a little social circle outside of anything related to your wife. Study youtube. Get on there and watch and study tutorial after tutorial about successful flirting, how to be more personable, how to be an interesting conversationalist and to be interesting, Corey Wayne videos on attraction. Don't sit around doing nothing. Start building a new you....start laying the groundwork so that when you are free from her you will be financially set (an attractive quality to women) you will be in good shape and physically fit and you will be more skilled to be socially fun, playful, flirty, interesting, assertive. 

Maybe some counseling one on one can help you heal and be grounded.

Do not sit and wallow, get busy building a new you that is ready to fly.
Start taking some trips now and doing things and meeting people. Start moving on and starting a new life even though you are still technically married. You do not have to spend any time with her. Work on you. Meet people. Do spontaneous things....join hiking groups or rock climbing (indoor or out), bike ride, learn a musical instrument, take dance lessons, go to concerts, plays, travel.....get out there, meet people....leave her socially behind and form some roots with other people and friends.

Is this a secret? Does she know you know? What is going on with you two?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

well it may be useful to inform your wife she caused the marriage to be null and void - and given that, you will begin living your life without her as your spouse.

then start planning activities and vacations that don’t include her. Join a few clubs that support your interests - maybe you’ll meet some new friends that have hobbies you have.

and why aren’t you showing her you are mad? You should be true to YOUR feelings and act appropriate to those feelings! I’m not saying get violent - but get mad - show your anger at her for what she has done - she deserves to know she ruined the family unit.

start showing your kids that you don’t agree with your wife’s affair and you don’t need to act happy about what she caused.

then go about building yourself a nice happy life without her between now and when the divorce gets finalized. Of course there is a few years between now and then - but by the time it actually gets finished you could have a nice life set up for yourself (if you get busy now).

consider using her business money to buy yourself a new place. Start making demands - maybe you’ll get a few things because she feels guilty.

ask for everything you ever wanted! You provided her with an education you won’t benefit from! Make sure she has to pay you back for all of that!

and really... get mad!


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## [email protected] (Jun 29, 2018)

If the business was created during the marriage it's considered marital assets in most places, meaning you own 50% of it, if you go through with divorce, she can try to buy you out but you don't have to sell you half if you don't want to and just wait. Of course consult an attorney where you live to know your legal options, knowledge is power, chances are she's ahead of you and is planning to divorce you anyway, be prepared.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Too much time and effort in sucking it up for the years required to benefit from your and her endeavour. It will gnaw at your insides, if she continues to bang this person.
Wouldn’t time be better served in moving her on, and getting a woman who treats you like a man and husband should be treated?
How Much us it worth to be in a loveless and sexless marriage only for financial gain?
Buffer


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

How do you know your wife won't divorce you before you are ready?

Has she cut you off sexually? Or you don't want her anymore?

I read somewhere about "sugar babies." Is that the same thing as the girl friend experience? I thought that was a TV show, but I never watched it. 

I also used to watch the Springer show. So I know that there are plenty of women willing to go for even the lowest of the low of men. Definitely you can find a woman who wants you. Just go to a dating website and post your real situtation. I would worry though that the wife would catch you and then you don't get the pot at the end of the rainbow. She divorces you, and you are the bad guy to the kids and the families. Rather than an affair, maybe you should just take care of your need yourself, or get some type of "aid." Frequently, cheaters are hypocrites when it comes to cheating. It's good for them, but they won't stay married if you are the one doing the cheating. They cheat because they blame your faults, and they consider themselves virtually blameless.



> _The "girlfriend experience" (GFE) is when a client seeks a longer encounter with a sex worker, often with role-playing as boyfriend/girlfriend. Sometimes the client expects the sex worker to speak and behave as if they have history, a romance, a relationship, and many times, a GFE does not involve sexual activity. _





> _From the perspective of a sex worker, the GFE is favorable because the worker is often able to solicit more money from the client (they are usually longer sessions) while doing less work (as in, no sex). The downside, there is often more emotional labor involved. One sex worker explains, "It's cool because there's usually no sex. But, you have to be down with kissing and cuddling, which I don't mind, but some girls won't kiss. The hardest part is saying the right things and making him feel really special."
> 
> According to one sex worker, "Honestly, the thing that they love the most is kissing. What they want is somebody who will stroke their hair and look into their eyes and cuddle with them, make them feel like they're worthy of being with this lovely woman and to feel appreciated for more than money." When asked if she ever developed feelings for a client, particularly those who request the GFE, she emphatically states, "No, never. It's just business." This sentiment was reiterated by other sex workers I spoke with as well._


This is what you want? Sounds kind of depressing to me. Actually, soul sucking.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Newguy52, this is the best place no one wants to be in. You'll get some great advice here. Others have told you to get legal advice ASAP. Do it!


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## Newguy52 (Apr 30, 2020)

Hello again,


I feel better now after venting everything.

Having read your suggestions and comments. I took the time to contemplate on the issue.

My kids don't know anything. I prefer to keep it that way for the time being.

@Young at Heart: I've started reading Glover's book: "No more Mr. nice guy". Well, I meet the requirement for the syndrome.

Based on your insights, I can look at two immediate actions:


1st: Start training. Physical prowess is important both physically and mentally.

2nd: Get professional help. I'm planning to make an appointment with a therapist during the upcoming week.


To be honest, the first two seems manageable. Now for the tricky part, work on thyself!

How to get out of my shell, live the world and reinvent myself. Never thought that this will be my major crisis in my fifties. But, it's time to turn the lemon into lemonade. It will not be easy, there will be many bumps along the way.

I'm going to start dancing lessons (in my youth I liked to dance as an amateur.). It is a good time to start dancing again.

Until now, my wife has been the big spender, mainly on herself, I'm going to level the playground. I think its time to invest in myself. Yoga, hobbies, and maybe returning to the university after many years. Well, I'm not a different person that I was 48h ago. Just starting to actively cope with the situation. I'll start with baby steps along the way.


Thank you all and I'll try to keep you posted in my long journey towards a better life.


All the best,

TJ

PS. I'm terribly sorry for any typos or grammatical errors. I wrote passionately in a better mood.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Don't worry, there are plenty of socially awkward introverted women out there. Some are even cute


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

I am still not clear that your wife is aware you know of her affair, only a somewhat cryptic reference you do not want your kids to know. I will assume in this post you have made her aware you know.Your plan of the long game is risky IMHO first to your mental health, and secondly as one poster has said she knows you after 23 years. You also mention a GFE/affair, please do not lower yourself to her standards. You will not be proud of yourself afterwards.

I can only surmise by your post that reconciliation is not a viable option for you. If I am accurate in my assessment of your situation, why prolong the agony? Just divorce her and move on.

i do not toss out advice to divorce light as I am a BH who reconciled. in your case, based on you posts, D appears your best option.

Focus on you. Do not worry about your perception of yourself as socially awkward.Be yourself, and you will find a woman who respects you.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry you're here. There's nothing you did or said that justifies her cheating or could have prevented her from cheating. 

Everyone has personal issues and disappointments within and external to marriage - but she choose (among other options) to have an affair. 

An exit plan that considers $ is just common sense. 

How did you find out?
Does your wife know that you know (did you confront her)?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

If you haven't confronted, it's going to be very difficult to keep smiling for years pretending that you don't know. It's normal for anger and disappointment to increase until you explode at her (prior to her striking it rich). 

Therefore, it's very important that you thoroughly document her betrayal prior to confronting her. And (btw) never reveal your source of information - or how much you know. Why? because it gives you control and a negotiating advantage.

Consider hiring a PI to thoroughly document her affair with who, what, where, when (including was it on company time or time that was supposed to be devoted to family). A BS on another forum hired a PI and documented such shocking and graphic details that to this day his x wife (and her powerful family) are neutralized with respect to interaction and decisions relating to the kids. 

The technology to capture conversations and images in low light is amazing.

PI's can also gather financial information (how much $ she spends on her affair) and information about the OM that can place you in a very strong negotiating position when divorcing (and afterward).


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I don't think you should be focusing on companionship outside your marriage right now. It also doesn't sound like you're staying married for love, and if thats the case, I would look at your options for getting out. There are several things about your plan that bother me. Reading between the lines it seems like you are looking at high end call girls, or finding yourself a sugar baby. I certainly don't judge, for some people that scenario is ideal. In your case however, I worry that you would find yourself being taken advantage of.

If you get confused and treat those relationships as real. You may very well find that you have two bad situations on your hands. I guess I feel like you need to take your time, get divorced, and gain some more confidence, before you start swimming with sharks, and make no mistake about it, sugar babies are cute, but they are also sharks. If you think your wife stomped all over your heart, a person you are paying for companionship could be even more callous. I worry you may get too attached in your current mind state. 

Regarding your wife's business. I suggest you really dig into that. Because it sounds to me like she has checked out on you long ago, and there is a decent chance she is going to try make the business look less valuable than it truly is and send you packing with less than you are entitled to. The only thing you really have control over here is yourself. I'd focus on making the decision that puts on a path to being happy again.


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