# Am I wrong about my feelings about him and her?



## Hurtgirlfriend (Feb 13, 2015)

I have been with this man for 24 years and we have a adult son together. My boyfriend who started talking to another women online he says they are just friends. That he was talking to her because is is in a abusive marriage. I was ok with that until I walk in the room and he hides his chats with her from me. He said it is her private life stuff and none of my business. I feel if he has to hide a conversation with another women from me that he shouldn't be talking to her. This went on for a year they would chat on yahoo messenger . I would tell him how much it hurt me that they would talk for 6 to 8 hours every night and not spending time with me. her and he wouldn't . I sent her a message about how she is tearing up out relationship. Here is some things she said to me copied from her message.

1. i haven't told him to change...he spends a lot more time online for it nly to be with me.

2. we talk about music, life singing..Contests that's it...I'm not gonna run away with him...nor do i wanna break you two up.

3. him and i are close friends




My feelings but not sure I'm right

I am so confused is he talking to her about her marriage or what she said they talk about?

I think if her husband was abusive to her and she said he don't work he would know she was chatting online with him and not aloud it to happen. 

I don't see any husband letting his wife talk to another man online all night in private and not get mad or stop her or leave. 

She always uses fake names online but I have pics of her she has posted to other sites of her. I want so bad to know her real name.

I hope someone has some advice that will help me know if I'm crazy or if I am right about this .


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

No you're not wrong about your feelings regarding your boyfriend and his 'just friend'. In fact your feelings on the matter, though spot on, are a little tame. Most reasonable people wouldn't have put up with that nonsense for as long as you have, but take comfort in knowing that you're right about your feelings and don't let anyone make you think or feel otherwise.

There are people, men and women, who get off on taking someone's girlfriend /boyfriend. This woman seems the type, the more it upsets you the better she feels. Maybe it's an ego thing or it gives them a sense of self worth to be picked over someone, I don't know. I can't relate to that type of crazy. She's not the issue though your boyfriend is, he doesn't care about you or your feelings.

Your boyfriend is an a**hole by the way. This has been going on for a year. That's more than enough time for him to have realized what this has done to you and to consider your feelings and put you first and definitely enough suffering that you have endured.

You have said three very important words, 'boyfriend' and 'adult son'. You're not married and you're not raising children together. Do yourself a favour and walk away or kick him out. You deserve to be with someone who respects you.

My friend's ex boyfriend had a 'just a friend' and it tore her up because he behaved the same way your boyfriend is. She put up with it for a few months then moved on, one of the best things that she did for herself.

You're better off ending the relationship and moving on. All you're teaching him by still putting up with this blatant disrespect is that he can treat you like s*** and you'll still hang around. He has no reason to change or improve.

There's no quicker way that'll get your manchild boyfriend's attention than him realizing that you won't always be there to put up with his s***, but don't move on for the sake of making him want you back but actually do it to pursue your own happiness.

Howoever you're able to get him out of your life, do it and don't communicate with him. Focus on healing yourself and you're own self improvement. Start exercising, socializing with your friends and family and meet new people. Try something that you've always wanted to do and have fun.

Most of all, focus and take care of yourself and have fun.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Wow, not crazy. I'd say you have every right to be uncomfortable with this. This isn't about control (I bet you dollars to donuts that he accuses you of trying to control him when expressing your frustration over this) it's about him crossing boundaries that haven't been clearly identified. A married man should not remotely be that emotionally close to another woman, and yes it's emotionally that close because if it wasn't, he wouldn't be so defensive about it.

Further, his excuses just don't hold water. You can't see their chats because it's some random internet woman's "private life"? Married people are certainly allowed to have independent aspects in their lives, but none of it should be kept private from their spouse, period. If a friend of mine ever says to me, "Hey don't tell your wife but..." I always tell them that unless it's some kind of surprise party/gift for my wife, then they had better not say anything at all because I'm not going to keep anything secret from my wife.

As for what they are discussing, I wouldn't be surprised if they did start off at some point by discussing her flawed marriage. (Side note, a married man should NEVER EVER put himself in a role of trying to help a married woman with her marriage issues) From there I am sure it progressed to what it is today, an Emotional Affair, or "EA" for short as we call it around here. In many ways an EA is just as destructive as a physical affair. I can also assure you that your husband will deny it if you tell him that he's having an emotional affair, as it is also very common for folks in an EA to be living in complete denial of the wrongness of their actions. He's likely fooled himself into believing that he hasn't done anything wrong just because he hasn't had sex with her yet, but in reality he knows it is still at least somewhat wrong or he wouldn't be trying to hide anything.

I'd say you need to force something here. Insist that you and he go see a marriage counselor of some kind. If that doesn't work, I'd see an attorney to draw up divorce papers and consider filing. Remember, even if you file that doesn't mean the marriage is doomed, but you need to deliver him a wake up call that says you aren't going to put up with this a minute longer, that you don't need him, and will move on unless he changes his tune completely, immediately.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Sorry, I just noticed/remembered that you aren't married to him. In that case, forget the attorney, just ask him to move out (if it's your place, or a shared residence) or move out yourself. Go stay with a friend/family member for a while if need be. Ultimately if you feel like the relationship has a chance of surviving, if you want it to survive, you'll need to deliver a wake-up call somehow, if he does indeed refuse to go to couples counseling.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Google "emotional affair" (EA) and you will see that your significant other is in one. In fact it is a textbook case. Being in an EA is cheating. Read "Not Just Friends" to better prepare yourself in dealing with this. Do this right now. You will learn just how much trouble that you are in.

While reading the book, gather evidence. Then be prepared to end your relationship in order to have a chance at having a relationship worth saving. Contact her husband and tell him what is going on without telling her or your significant other in advance. This will give you a second set of eyes on this affair. After that demand complete transparency (including all passwords) without complaint and full no contact with his affair partner. If he does not agree, be prepared to immediately end the relationship.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Hurtgirlfriend said:


> She always uses fake names online but I have pics of her she has posted to other sites of her. I want so bad to know her real name.


 Your significant other's emotional affair (EA) partner knows your real name, all about who you are, and about issues in your relationship with your significant other, while your do not even know her real name. Your significant other has given his EA partner home field advantage against you in earning his affection. Your significant other has the same advantage over his affair partners husband. This EA is killing your relationship. If your significant other is not there already, he will soon consider his relationship as his primary relationship. Time is not on your side. The longer that this goes on, the more likely that he will choose her if forced to decide, so force him to decide ASAP.


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## Hurtgirlfriend (Feb 13, 2015)

Locke.Stratos, cdbaker, TRy, Thank You so much for you input on my nightmare. I did get a lot of good advice from each of you and thank you for taking the time to help me with this.You gave me so much to think about Thank You.

I have put in 24 years of my life with him and I love him more then I could ever say. I just want him to see I am the one who has been their for him through thick and thin. I just want him to love me and want to be with only me. It is hard to just walk out the door when you have been with someone that long. I am glad I'm not loosing my mind and it isn't my imagination. Contact her husband I wish I could so he could see what she is doing but myself I don't think she has a husband if she did no way she could spend 8 hours a night online with my boyfriend. I think she says she's married to get married men to think its ok to talk to her. I don't know her name do I have no way to find her husband. She has pics of herself on 3 websites under fake names. I have tried and no luck.


couples counseling does sound like a good idea if he can't go to it with me if he doesn't go I need to let him go and make myself happy. I don't want to give up if their is any hope because we have a son. Even if he is older it would still hurt him. After reading the comments here I know I need to step up and make him talk to me about this and if he won't I need to make myself move on. Again Thanks for the help.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

See if you can match her image on Google or TinEye Reverse Image Search
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Hurtgirlfriend said:


> I have put in 24 years of my life with him and I love him more then I could ever say. I just want him to see I am the one who has been their for him through thick and thin. I just want him to love me and want to be with only me. It is hard to just walk out the door when you have been with someone that long. I am glad I'm not loosing my mind and it isn't my imagination. Contact her husband I wish I could so he could see what she is doing but myself I don't think she has a husband if she did no way she could spend 8 hours a night online with my boyfriend. I think she says she's married to get married men to think its ok to talk to her. I don't know her name do I have no way to find her husband. She has pics of herself on 3 websites under fake names. I have tried and no luck.


I don't want to sound crass and mean but this is the exact wrong thing to think. I have been there so I am speaking from experience. 

You are the special one and you are important so stop acting like you need him so he can treat you like utter crap. You stand up and live your life great and enjoy it. He has to make his choices and if he chooses to be stupid then you should be grateful he chose to not be with you. I am sorry you are here. You want something that was only make believe. See the world for what it is. This man is not who you thought he is... See him in his totality.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hurtgirlfriend,

If he is hiding his chats, they are talking about more than the things she said.

What I did in a similar situation was to install a keylogger on his computer without him knowing. I found out what they were really talking about.

You said that if she is married, how could she spend 8 hours a night online with your bf. Well how is it that you boyfriend and spend that much time online with her? She's living with you and he does it. It seems like being in a committed relationship does not mean much to either of them. Nor does it stop their hours at a time chatting. 

If she has multiple accounts under fake names, she could be con artist. Has she asked your husband for any money? Has he sent her any money?

You need to find out what's going on. This is your life. He is taking your right to make your own decisions away from you. He is lying up a storm. No man spends hours a day with a woman that he's not in love with or not trying to get sex from.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He's disrespectful. It doesn't matter if they are discussing love, marriage, sports, stocks or literature. He's spending several hours per night chatting with a woman online against your wishes. And he knows this. 

A common refrain here is if you do not respect yourself how can you except others to do so? He has -- or more accurately YOU have -- a decision to make. He can stop chatting online with this woman, or he can pack up his things.

Is this woman local or far away? Have you confirmed he isn't contacting her in any other way - texting, phone calls, etc? My gut tells me he hasn't which is good. Yahoo messenger is a very antiquated means of communication in today's world. My point is to monitor, he may stop the yahoo messenger and pick up a more covert means of communicating with her.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I agree with elegirl. She does sound like a con artist. Fake names with her pics on three different websites? Are these dating websites? She's playing him like a fiddle. Protect yourself and make sure your finances are separate. How did he meet her? What does your son think of all this?


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Nip that in the bud right now and very firmly or sit back and have a front row seat to his betrayal. I say nip it. Nip it good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hurtgirlfriend,

Is your husband aware that she has profiles under different names on different sites?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can see her phone number from the texts, can't you? Hire a service to tell you her name and address. Then expose her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Usually I do not like Cheaterville.com But this is one time that I think it might be a good idea.

Once you find out as much info on her as you can, post screen shots of her profiles with her picture and her other names on cheaterville.com

Then open a gmail account under a fake name and send your husband the link to the cheaterville page and her other profiles.

If you find out that she is married, send it to her husband as well.

Watch what happens.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Usually I do not like Cheatersville.com But this is one time that I think it might be a good idea.
> 
> Once you find out as much info on her as you can, post screen shots of her profiles with her picture and her other names on cheatersville.com
> 
> ...


Out of curiosity why don't you like cheaterville?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KingwoodKev said:


> Out of curiosity why don't you like cheaterville?


There are many reasons why I don't like it.

One is that anyone can post anything about anyone. There is no vetting of information, there is no way for a person to protect themselves from lies being posted on that site. It's basically guilty with no chance of proving innocent. And anyone who is upset with anyone can ruin them by posting on that site and then sending the link out.

Here on TAM, it's usually suggested that men post on there to out the OM. Then it's suggested that links to the cheaterville page to be sent to people who know the OM.

Now the OM can lose his job for this. I know.. no one has sympathy for the OM. But what about his wife and children? Do they deserve to be plunged into poverty? 

I would lose my job if my name showed up on a site like that and a link went out to anyone I work with or our customers. I'd have to move fast to clean it up and prove that I innocent of the attack and did not bring that on myself. It would not even matter if it was true or not. Just the bad internet expose is enough. This is especially true if the place I worked was mentioned.

I've seen people post the OM's name, where he works, his work phone number, etc. This is what people on TAM suggested they do, and they do it.

But of course the BS does not usually put their own WS's name up there with all kinds of personal info. After all, they don't want to be pulled into that mess. they don't want any fallout from it to hurt themselves or their children. 

It's right up there with the Jerry Springer show. I find it beyond tacky to spread the drama of one's life all over the internet. 

The only reason that I suggested it to the OP is so that she could anonymously inform her husband about this woman's other names and profiles on other sites. And I don't suggest that she leave it up for very long either, just long enough to inform her husband and the OW's husband if there is one.

I don't know her computer and web skills. For me? I'd just create a temp web page using a free service like WIX or one of many others like that and keep it up long enough to inform. Then take it down.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Hurtgirlfriend said:


> Locke.Stratos, cdbaker, TRy, Thank You so much for you input on my nightmare. I did get a lot of good advice from each of you and thank you for taking the time to help me with this.You gave me so much to think about Thank You.
> 
> I have put in 24 years of my life with him and I love him more then I could ever say. I just want him to see I am the one who has been their for him through thick and thin. I just want him to love me and want to be with only me. It is hard to just walk out the door when you have been with someone that long. I am glad I'm not loosing my mind and it isn't my imagination. Contact her husband I wish I could so he could see what she is doing but myself I don't think she has a husband if she did no way she could spend 8 hours a night online with my boyfriend. I think she says she's married to get married men to think its ok to talk to her. I don't know her name do I have no way to find her husband. She has pics of herself on 3 websites under fake names. I have tried and no luck.
> 
> ...


There is no need to rush yourself to a decision. Take your time in whatever you choose. However this plays out make sure that regardless of whether you stay with your boyfriend or not you will be alright either way. Your happiness and sense of worth shouldn't be determined by another person but should come from within.

I wouldn't concern myself with the other woman, it takes focus away from the person who is actually causing you hurt. You'll only end up making yourself unhappy and anxious if you concern yourself with her. If he respescted and treated you well this other woman wouldn't be an issue. You cannot make someone talk to you or control how they behave. 




Hurtgirlfriend said:


> I have put in 24 years of my life with him and I love him more then I could ever say. I just want him to see I am the one who has been their for him through thick and thin. I just want him to love me and want to be with only me


This should go both ways, can you say same about him about yourself? Make sure you put your mental and emotional well being first.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read about the 180. Do it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

KingwoodKev said:


> I say nip it. Nip it good.


 A Devo fan I see.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I agree with elegirl. She does sound like a con artist. Fake names with her pics on three different websites? Are these dating websites? She's playing him like a fiddle. Protect yourself and make sure your finances are separate. How did he meet her? What does your son think of all this?


Or she uses multiple identities to hide from her husband?:scratchhead:


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Hurtgirlfriend said:


> I have been with this man for 24 years and we have a adult son together. My boyfriend who started talking to another women online he says they are just friends. That he was talking to her because is is in a abusive marriage. I was ok with that until I walk in the room and he hides his chats with her from me. He said it is her private life stuff and none of my business. I feel if he has to hide a conversation with another women from me that he shouldn't be talking to her. This went on for a year they would chat on yahoo messenger . I would tell him how much it hurt me that they would talk for 6 to 8 hours every night and not spending time with me. her and he wouldn't . I sent her a message about how she is tearing up out relationship. Here is some things she said to me copied from her message.
> 
> 1. i haven't told him to change...he spends a lot more time online for it nly to be with me.
> 
> ...


 This is an emotional affair, nothing less but can become much more is left unchallenged. Take a look at my main thread' first couple of pages and then the last couple of pages separated by about 8 months. This is what will happen if you let this persist. Once one graduates high school there is no such thing as just friends with new people of the opposite sex. Some might disagree, but the numbers don't lie. End this!!!


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## Hurtgirlfriend (Feb 13, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Hurtgirlfriend,
> 
> If he is hiding his chats, they are talking about more than the things she said.
> 
> ...


Install a keylogger would not work he is a computer programmer and would find it on his computer. I know I should have been so dumb and not see what they were doing. At the time I had my own problems going through side affects I had from having cancer. I still battle daily with side affects from radiation and chemo. Guess I should have opened my eyes.She has never ask for money that I know of . My boyfriend has never seen her other accounts Or the pics of her. I found. I know for a fact she looks different then he is thinking she looks like. she wants to move to the US she lives in Belgium Is what I was told by someone who had similar problems with her.


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## Hurtgirlfriend (Feb 13, 2015)

turnera said:


> You can see her phone number from the texts, can't you? Hire a service to tell you her name and address. Then expose her.


They only use Yahoo Messenger to talk. I canceled home phone and all we have is my cell we share.


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## Hurtgirlfriend (Feb 13, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> There are many reasons why I don't like it
> 
> I don't know her computer and web skills. For me? I'd just create a temp web page using a free service like WIX or one of many others like that and keep it up long enough to inform. Then take it down.


I am not that good with computer or web skills but learning more and more. This mess made me start learning. You said WIX that is one of the places I found her pic.


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## Hurtgirlfriend (Feb 13, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I agree with elegirl. She does sound like a con artist. Fake names with her pics on three different websites? Are these dating websites? She's playing him like a fiddle. Protect yourself and make sure your finances are separate. How did he meet her? What does your son think of all this?


She has two accounts on Paltalk, one on WIX, She has account on games called Second life and account on Sing Snap. So far these are the only ones I found.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Hurtgirlfriend said:


> She has two accounts on Paltalk, one on WIX, She has account on games called Second life and account on Sing Snap. So far these are the only ones I found.


Utilize Facebook as some people like to use their screen names for games as well as nick names on FB. Also, see if she is in a group or gaming clan. Some people with little imagination will use their REAL names with a number denotation afterwards. It is tough but you can use this to check people friends and between pictures and stuff find who you are looking for. Also, copy and paste exactly her screen names and search in Google with and without quotations, the with part will narrow the search. 

One more thing, Myspace still exists. Try looking their as well.


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## Hurtgirlfriend (Feb 13, 2015)

IIJokerII said:


> Utilize Facebook as some people like to use their screen names for games as well as nick names on FB. Also, see if she is in a group or gaming clan. Some people with little imagination will use their REAL names with a number denotation afterwards. It is tough but you can use this to check people friends and between pictures and stuff find who you are looking for. Also, copy and paste exactly her screen names and search in Google with and without quotations, the with part will narrow the search.
> 
> One more thing, Myspace still exists. Try looking their as well.


Thank you for your help I will be looking into all of them for more info. You are a big help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hurtgirlfriend said:


> Install a keylogger would not work he is a computer programmer and would find it on his computer.


You don't know that. The POINT of keyloggers is that they don't reveal themselves and are hidden. Unless he's regularly reprogramming his own computer, and he has no reason to be doing that, he'll never think to look.

And if he does, SO WHAT? You should be MAD AS HELL at him for putting you through this, especially with what you're dealing with. How dare he? SHOW him that anger. Make him AFRAID TO LOSE YOU. You have every right to search for proof at this point and if he dares to get mad at you, then you know he's a POS and doesn't deserve you. Consider it a sh*t test, and you need to know the answer one way or the other.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hurtgirlfriend said:


> They only use Yahoo Messenger to talk. I canceled home phone and all we have is my cell we share.


So get copies of that and hire someone to find out who she is.


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