# WW finally saw the complete circle of destruction...



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Long story short, my wife had an affair with my stepsons "father". This male (refuse to call him a man), is an absentee father at best, deadbeat at worst.

When I confronted him, the first words out of his mouth were not to tell his wife and he would vanish out of our lives forever, his sons included. No hesitation, no remorse, just threw away his son to save his sorry ass. He had the affair while his wife was 8 months pregnant. What a "man"!

My stepson never had a real relationship with him. For all intents and purposes, I was his father in every way. Still, it cant be easy to know your bio father threw you away to save is ass. I knew it had to hurt. Finally, he blew up this past weekend in the worst way possible. I had to physically restrain him as it got pretty ugly. He finally let it all out about how hurt he was that his "father" abandoned him. He felt like he lost both families because he doesnt consider us a family anymore. 

I tried my best to let him know it had nothing to do with him. I told him his "father" wasnt a man. It takes a man to raise a man I told him. Also told him it takes a special kid to make another man love him like his own.

So my wife finally saw the full extent of the destruction that she caused. Of course she was crying her eyes out the whole night and kept saying "Look what I've done" and "I'm the cause of all this". Of course, having to talk about that ass clown triggered me pretty hard as well. It took everything I had not to dump on my wife as she was blaming herself.....oh but I wanted to so very bad.

So that leads me to an interesting crossroads. I know that clown wont ever come see the boy. Not only does he have to worry about me, but he knows that my stepson will rat him out to his wife. If I tell his wife and after the dust clears, how will I handle having to see this clown every other week if he decides to see his son? I cant imagine how hard it will be for my stepson in such a hostile environment.

My wife really created the worst possible situation for everyone. She finally saw how destructive her behavior was. I said all along, she betrayed my stepson much more than she betrayed me. Sad thing is, if we did divorce, she would probably still get custody of my daughter just because she is female. Its sad that people never consider the consequences of their actions before its to late.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry for the damage. Glad your W is owning it. Is she apologizing to her son? 
If he is a certain age, depending on the state you're in, he could decide he doesn't want to see "Bio" dad. An argument could be made that he emotionally abused his son with his treacherous behavior.

If I were you I would do everything in my power to destroy the POS! 
Are you guys doing any family counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

My wife is non stop apologizing. My stepson is going to be 16. I dont know if he wants to see him or not. 

I'm pissed at both of them but I was much more pissed at my wife. End of the day, I didnt take vows with him. I'm pissed because my wife hurt not only me, but our children.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

So why hasn't he been exposed to his wife????


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

You should probably play it with a straight bat.

Out him to his wife - if you don't then he is still controlling you.

Do it with your head held high. If this POS comes back into your lives because you told his wife, then so be it.

The point is, you, as a man, can take that consequence and he will be in an awkward spot.

Keep the high ground, tell his wife and ignore the POS as much as you can.

Good luck. It's an awful situation but we're with you.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

vi_bride04 said:


> So why hasn't he been exposed to his wife????


That's what I am thinking.

The stepson will just do it if you don't. And you will get criticized for keeping OM's secrets.

I would just out the bastard along with your stepson, do it together.

The OM's wife has a right to know the truth.

Don't be so naive to think you can keep an affair a secret. Cheaters have that delusion. You know better.

She will find out. And anyone who's keeping that secret is complicit.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Exposure is meant to end an affair. It should not be used as punishment. Exposure can have a wide swath of damage.

The OM has thrown his own son to the wolves. What will exposure do now? You don't need to ruin someone's life than it is already ruined. Giving up your child... That is just sadness.

If you do expose, then he could be in your life again as he is no longer afraid you would 'out' him. There are two sides to this coin. You have power over him.

It all depends on what you want. Hurting someone else doesn't make your life better. That is the point of this. It comes down to what you want. I have to say about child custody, you are right. The odds are stacked toward the female. It is not always the case, but it is the truth.

Actions have consequences. Your actions whether you expose him or not will have consequences and you can guess what they are but you will not know until they happen. The easy thing to do is the right thing. That is your judgement brother.

I am sorry you are here and it this mess. God bless.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You should definitely "out" the affair to the POSOM's wife. Get it all on the record; believe it or not, this may go a long way towards helping you get custody (joint at the very least) of your daughter should you ultimately decide to divorce. 

Did you legally adopt your son? If so, your son is old enough to decide who he wants to live with, the courts will weigh his decision heavily when deciding custody. Odds are, he will want to live with you, the only stable, rational parent he has. If you are not his "legal father" that may be a bit tougher.

No way would I let this scumbag skate off without any repercussions. Let HIM deal with the fallout with his wife, just as you have had to do with yours.

And don't be too quick to forgive and forget... this is known as rugsweeping. Unless you deal with the affair and WHY she did it, you will never have another moment's peace. She must demonstrate true remorse and earn back your trust. No freebies or shortcuts here.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I would out him, but I dont know how I would handle having to see him every other weekend. I cant imagine how that would feel having him come to my doorstep where it all began. At this point, I think that is asking for a ton of trouble.

The other option is to have my wife meet him somewhere to do the "exchange" of my stepson. Again, having my wife go see the OM without me is not the best situation either. Plus, I can see this guy being a major pain in the ass if his wife leaves him.

On top of that, I dont know how much my stepson really wants to be with him. Hes hurt that his father abandoned him, who wouldnt? Hes not close to him or his parents. He hasnt picked him up since November. I dont know what lie he told his wife, but it had to be a good one because he still has to pay child support. The OMs parents were also never in my stepsons life. They know where we live and have even come over a few times. No word from them either.

Its not like he was very loved on that side of the family. Its been 4 months and no one has missed him. Its just a horrible situation for me and my stepson. We are the ones caught in the middle.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

hawx20 said:


> how will I handle having to see this clown every other week if he decides to see his son?


I can't imagine why you would ever have to see this POSOM if he decides to see his son. Your son is old enough to drive to the POSOM's house, no need for that scumbag to come to yours. Or he can pick your son up at the curbside, no need for him to ever get out of the car.

My ex-husband and I have never run into each other doing the exchange. My 16yo daughter either drives to my house or I pick her up curbside and never have to see him.

No way would I let my wife do the exchange. She has proven she can't be trusted to be around this scumbag in any fashion.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Exposure is used for what people use it for.

To my mind, the OBS (other betrayed spouse) has every right to know the man she's having sex with his sleeping around.

This is not "punishment".. this is to preserve one's own integrity by NOT being complicit in perpetrating a LIE.

The only way OUT of an affair is to tell the truth.

The affair isn't' over until the truth is told to the affected parties.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> Exposure is used for what people use it for.
> 
> To my mind, the OBS (other betrayed spouse) has every right to know the man she's having sex with his sleeping around.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Though I think it would have been more effective exposing right away.
But if it was the other way around any bs would like to be informed.
As for the stepson, can you get him a cheap car?
Just a thought.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The OM is a coward and he's dealing with his action by not seeing his child. He'll pay for that mistake in the long run.

Right now the problem you have is in your house and that is your wife. Deal with her. You married her not the OM.

Don't let her rug sweep this mess. Maybe if she would have though about her family, this wouldn't have happened.

What do you plan on doing with her? Are ou going to a MC or are you going to file?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Individual Counseling for the boy for sure and for everyone else too if affordable.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

We're not rugsweeping. I decided to stay and so far R has gone pretty well. She has been extremely remorseful and is doing all she can to make it up. I think seeing the impact it had on the children and the pain she brought to the family really solidified to her the extent of the damage she caused.

I saw the pain in her eyes when this was happening. I could see that she had the realization that this was all her fault. Its one thing to hurt your spouse, its another to hurt your children. When you hurt them both equally at the same time....well, lets just say I saw the pain in her eyes. Inside, I wanted to unleash my anger on her and throw everything in her face. In the end, I kept quiet and just tried my best to be the voice of calm and reason. 

When you are married with children, you just arent cheating on your spouse. You are cheating on your children too. That truly hit home with my wife this weekend. She also realized how g-damn lucky she is that I'm strong enough to stay and get through this.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Rugs said:


> Individual Counseling for the boy for sure and for everyone else too if affordable.


Exactly.
...family therapy?
I'm also worried about what this kid said about not considering you and your wife a family anymore ("he lost two families").
It seem you get along fine with him but how is he behaving with his mom?


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

Why would you have to see the douche? The kid is 16 not 6. Drop him off somewhere like the mall or something 20 mins in advance let him hangout, then douche picks him up and you pick him up the same way. Besides you can't really force a 16 year old to visit if they don't want to.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

6301 said:


> The OM is a coward and he's dealing with his action by not seeing his child. He'll pay for that mistake in the long run.


You're right...he is a coward.

You have to be a man to be able to raise a man. He is no man. He has 2 sons. The first, my stepson, he abandoned when he found out she was pregnant. She tracked him down after he was born and he had been, at best, an absentee father.

His second son was still in the womb when he decided to have an affair with my wife. He screwed the second child before it was even born.

This isnt a man. This is a punk who has no idea how to be a man, much less a dad. Truth be told, I dont want my stepson with him. He can offer nothing positive in his life. He never has. The only time this punk enjoys his kids is on Fathers Day when he thinks hes father of the year and enjoys to be "honored". It always disgusted me when this punk made such a huge deal about having him on fathers day. 

Any coward who willingly throws away their child to save their ass is worthless. He wont miss my stepson because he never loved him. His wife was a complete B to my stepson pretty much because she didnt like the fact that her husband had to pay child support. Neither one of them gives a damn about him. I cant believe that his wife hasnt raised any eyebrows about why he hasnt picked him up in 4 months. I dont really think she cares as long as he doesnt go over.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Are you gong to stay with her Hawx? Or is your love for her diminishing daily?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Someone else said it...you can't force a 16 year old to go where he doesn't want to go. Even if you outted the OM, your stepson could still say no to visitation.

The police aren't going to force him to go.
A judge isn't going to force him to go.

He flat out doesn't have to go.

My personal opinion is that it should be THE SON'S choice that the biological father is not in his life, if that is in fact what the son wants. Removing the perceived reason that his dad abandoned him helps make it the son's decision. Then...if the dad pursues visitation, the son can make it 100% his own choice. THAT would go a long way toward helping him to heal from this.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

If you do not expose this doucher bag to his wife, then you are helping HIM do to her what YOUR wife did to you

She deserves to know the truth about the douche
wouldnt you want to know?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

why are you so hung up on "the man" thing? seems odd


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only thing that helps at this point is finding a good family therapist and you going there with your stepson. He needs it desperately and he apparently needs to see you being there for him. 

You two can decide in therapy what, if anything, should happen.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> His wife was a complete B to my stepson pretty much because she didnt like the fact that her husband had to pay child support.


That makes it sound as though her son is in for a tough life, no matter what you do. 

That young child, your daughter, your stepson and you are those who "deserve" to be treated well in this saga. 

Exposing or not, will have minimal if any impact on the infant. 
Exposing will give your stepson's father a bit of pain, but he can easily turn around and make you and your stepson pay a price, of sorts. 

If you and your stepson are paying a price, your daughter is also paying a price.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> You should probably play it with a straight bat.
> 
> Out him to his wife - if you don't then he is still controlling you.
> 
> ...


To continue the cricket analogy, keep a straight bat and hit the blighter for six, right over the boundary!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> To continue the cricket analogy, keep a straight bat and hit the blighter for six, right over the boundary!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So how do you Brits catch all those crickets anyway? Do you set traps with chocolate for bait? Do you get sexy female crickets to stand around and chirp to attract the boys?


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> To continue the cricket analogy, keep a straight bat and hit the blighter for six, right over the boundary!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have no idea what the hell you just said....
:scratchhead:


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Do what's right, not what's easy.

This is a teaching moment, Dad. 

No matter how and where the dust settles, you will always have that.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- I understand your hesitation.

However, I would still out this to POSOM's wife. Your stepson is 16. arrangements other than having posom come to your house can be made.

You are giving POSOM a free pass for banging your wife and blowing up your family life and dumping your stepson. 

I agree with Pit. This is a teaching moment. Don't let slip by.

Good luck
WD


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I agree that the affair isn't over until all 4 spouses know and that by PROTECTING the OM by keeping his betrayal secret from his wife is aiding the affair. You know best what kind of consequences the OM might enact on YOUR family but he certainly isn't paying any consequences now by you keeping his secret. And did his trying to bargain with you over disclosure mean he would abandon his present wife and unborn son too if you told? IMO, she and baby would be better off without this scum in their life but of course that would be her decision. 
Can your step son suffer any more by disclosure? Only you can judge. Both children both need to hear as much as possible how much you love them, that none of this was their fault as you are doing now. And if they are not hearing it from your wife, she better grow a heart and reassure them continually no matter what the cost to her psyche. 
Stay the course in trying to be a good male role model to your daughter and step son and ponder what message about fidelity, honesty, avoiding responsibility and the consequences of selfishness you are imparting by not telling the OM's wife...


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> You're right...he is a coward.
> 
> You have to be a man to be able to raise a man. He is no man. He has 2 sons. The first, my stepson, he abandoned when he found out she was pregnant. She tracked him down after he was born and he had been, at best, an absentee father.
> 
> His second son was still in the womb when he decided to have an affair with my wife. He screwed the second child before it was even born.


And your wife thought she should open her legs for this guy again? I would be focused on that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> So how do you Brits catch all those crickets anyway? Do you set traps with chocolate for bait? Do you get sexy female crickets to stand around and chirp to attract the boys?


Pretty much, yes.:smthumbup:


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Hawx,

I realize you are hurt and angry and want to get at the OM.

My kids are adopted. We found our kids through a friend of a friend kind of deal. Our adoption story would bring a tear to your eye and highjack this thread.

The birth mom is very troubled. She had a child in HS and got married. A year later had another. A few years down the road the children were taken away due to sexual abuse. I am not sure who but she is banned from seeing her two oldest boys.

She gets a D and continues into drugs. Has two more children both of him were taken immediately by the state. On her fourth child she was told if she had another child she would go to jail.

Her habits never changed and when the next one came along, as a good con, she knew the system. If she gave the child up for adoption, she would not be arrested as it would stop the adoption. That is why she sought us out.

We knew none of this until after the adoption, not that it would have stopped us. We got the medical report and took the risk. Our child was born at risk and we had to work her through six months of withdrawls. 

We also adopted her next child 15 months later.

She knows where we are and how to contact us. We send pictures every year. She has never cared nor contacted in 18 years. She continues her drug use and that is all she cares about.

Despite all this, we never talk ill of her to the children. She is their mother. By attacking her we attack them. 

Do not use her son as your foil. His dad is still part of him. He can not change that. Do have him hate part of himself.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> Long story short, my wife had an affair with my stepsons "father". This male (refuse to call him a man), is an absentee father at best, deadbeat at worst.
> 
> When I confronted him, the first words out of his mouth were not to tell his wife and he would vanish out of our lives forever, his sons included. No hesitation, no remorse, just threw away his son to save his sorry ass. He had the affair while his wife was 8 months pregnant. What a "man"!
> 
> ...


Part II

Hawx,

You wrote how you were going to be the best husband you can be for you. I worried that you were rushing into R.

What is more important than the B day thing or any other plans is that you reach out to her. You have the power at this time to either destroy her or save her. 

If you want to see how reconciliation is done, go to the reconciliation thread in this section and read what B1 did.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> I would out him, but I dont know how I would handle having to see him every other weekend. I cant imagine how that would feel having him come to my doorstep where it all began. At this point, I think that is asking for a ton of trouble.


Let me get this straight. You have no trouble with this cat coming to your doorstep now, knowing he's screwed your wife, but you would have trouble seeing him if you outed him to his old lady. What I'm I missing here Dawg? Additionally, I can't help but wonder how this guy is so bad, yet your old lady still had the hots for him. Do you wonder about that to Hawx?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

ThePheonix said:


> Let me get this straight. You have no trouble with this cat coming to your doorstep now, knowing he's screwed your wife, but you would have trouble seeing him if you outed him to his old lady. What I'm I missing here Dawg?


He made a deal with the OM. Dump the kid and never have visitation or he'd be outed. The OM agreed. Hawx is figuring that the OM may show up if he breaks his end of the deal.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

How did stepson figure out what was happening?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> How did stepson figure out what was happening?


Eh he's 16 he figured it out.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> He made a deal with the OM. Dump the kid and never have visitation or he'd be outed. The OM agreed. Hawx is figuring that the OM may show up if he breaks his end of the deal.


Actually I asked if his wife knew he was screwing my wife. He then begged and pleaded and said he would vanish forever and give up seeing his son. I never told him to stay away.

I just dont know whats best at this point. I cant imagine having to deal with this guy every other weekend would be good for R. The only way he gets to see him again is if his wife finds out. Either I will tell her or my stepson will. Thats why he wont see him, because he knows his son will out him. Finally, I cant imagine how hostile the environment would be for him. Even if his wife didnt leave him, she treated him like crap before, I cant imagine how worse she would be to him.

I know it cant be easy to think your father gave you up to save his ass. Even if he never really was a father to you, it still has to feel like crap. I truly dont see any positive influence this punk can have on my stepson. He is a loser in every sense of the word.



ThePheonix said:


> I can't help but wonder how this guy is so bad, yet your old lady still had the hots for him. Do you wonder about that to Hawx?


Every damn day. I dont get it. Hes not particularly good looking, hes a damn loser....she was in the middle of her MLC and had become very insecure, very selfish, and very ugly. She was doing everything in her power to stay and feel young. All her friends were younger and she was loving her new social life. She hit the gym hard and got into incredible shape, but she was still extremely insecure. This guy noticed her sexy new body and started hitting on her. 

Me telling her how sexy she was and how good she looked did little for her esteem. I was supposed to say/think that being her husband. Having another person tell her the same thing was intoxicating I guess. She fell for it. I think the fact that they had a history and he pursued her made it easy.

This is going to sound weird and messed up....but in a way, her having an affair with him made it easier to decide to R. Choosing him told me this was 100% all about her. It was her insecurity, her selfishness, and her stupidity. She needed to have external validation so bad that she did this.

Had it been a random, hot young guy she met, it would have been harder because I would have taken this more personal. It would have felt it was something I was lacking. Again, I know it may sound weird. I feel this way because choosing him was a complete and utter betrayal to her son. She screwed him over much more than she did me. 

She needed whatever it was she was looking for so bad that no one else other than herself mattered. It doesnt matter who her husband was, she would have done it. Had it been some random guy, I would have taken it as a reflection of something I was lacking that she had to go out and get from elsewhere.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you asked your stepson what he wants to do?


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

turnera said:


> Have you asked your stepson what he wants to do?


He wouldnt say. All he said is he doesnt want to talk about it. See, the OM wont dare pick him up if his wife doesnt know. He knows my stepson will rat him out. If his wife does find out, I doubt he will have much interest in seeing him anyways. Remember, his wife just had their son so he would have a whole ton of problems without dealing with my stepson.

Also, while my stepson didnt say what he wanted, I found it very interesting that he never mentioned he missed him. He missed his stepbrother and friends of his dad, but not his dad.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He misses having a father who wants him. That's why you need to do what helps HIM. Get him into therapy, please. Tell him you need him to go to help YOU deal with some stuff. Whatever it takes.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> This is going to sound weird and messed up....but in a way, her having an affair with him made it easier to decide to R. Choosing him told me this was 100% all about her. It was her insecurity, her selfishness, and her stupidity. She needed to have external validation so bad that she did this.
> 
> Had it been a random, hot young guy she met, it would have been harder because I would have taken this more personal. It would have felt it was something I was lacking. Again, I know it may sound weird. I feel this way because choosing him was a complete and utter betrayal to her son. She screwed him over much more than she did me.
> 
> She needed whatever it was she was looking for so bad that no one else other than herself mattered. It doesnt matter who her husband was, she would have done it. Had it been some random guy, I would have taken it as a reflection of something I was lacking that she had to go out and get from elsewhere.


Not weird at all. Absolutly makes sense, as everything you have been writing here since you joined TAM.

I have the sense that beyond the potential outcome for your stepson and your marriage your doubt about exposing the whole thing to this POSOM's wife is becasue you don't honestly believe the woman "deserves to know" (so she can make informed decisions) as we typicaly suggest here. She's not an unknown, faceless betrayed woman, you know her, she didn't treat stepson well, she was also a headache for your marriage, what we use to name "not friend of marriage", you don't like her, maybe understandably. I believe I get where you come from.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

I don't know about anyone else but I want to hear more about how the OM isn't a real man.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ughhhh. You are a more patient and kinder man than I. I still cannot believe you stayed with that woman after what she has put you and her son through. Disgusting. 

I don't care how hot or beautiful or cut or sexy or attractive a woman is, no chick is worth this amount of pain. And to have to put up with her crying and "woe is me, I'm the worst person in the world!" bullsh!t day after day would get old fast.

I cannot see how you could live with such a person, with your love and desire eroding for them day by day....


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am truly sorry for the pain and heartache that your entire family has gone through. I want to recommend a couple books that would help immensely as you and your wife go through the steps of reconciliation. _Torn Asunder: Recovering from and Extramarital Affair_, by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke. I have used this in the past when I was a Pastor and walked a couple through the R process. It is a step-by-step resource that was very helpful. The other book is called _Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity_, by Gary and Mona Shriver. I have never used this resource but have heard very good things about it.

I would recommend third party help for your whole family. Professional counseling is best but someone like a Pastor or mediator can also be crucial. The pain and feelings are still very raw, but your step-son and daughter will be better in the long run if you and your wife do reconcile and develop and even better marriage then you had prior to the affair. This should be the goal and it is very realistic. I have witnessed firsthand this happen in several couple's lives. It's not going to be easy but the work will be well worth it. My prayers are with you.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> Actually I asked if his wife knew he was screwing my wife. He then begged and pleaded and said he would vanish forever and give up seeing his son. I never told him to stay away.
> 
> I just dont know whats best at this point. I cant imagine having to deal with this guy every other weekend would be good for R. The only way he gets to see him again is if his wife finds out. Either I will tell her or my stepson will. Thats why he wont see him, because he knows his son will out him. Finally, I cant imagine how hostile the environment would be for him. Even if his wife didnt leave him, she treated him like crap before, I cant imagine how worse she would be to him.
> 
> I know it cant be easy to think your father gave you up to save his ass. Even if he never really was a father to you, it still has to feel like crap. I truly dont see any positive influence this punk can have on my stepson. He is a loser in every sense of the word.


First off it doesn't matter what the bio says if the boy doesn't want to visit he is old enough were no one can realistically force him to go.

Second even if you son did want to go over there you'd never have to see the bio. Like I said your son 16, drop him off somewhere, let him hangout and then get picked up from the bio. Once visitation is over bio drops him off somewhere and you pick him up. The kid can confirm times for both of you.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Ughhhh. You are a more patient and kinder man than I. I still cannot believe you stayed with that woman after what she has put you and her son through.


Initially I stayed for the kids. First, I knew it would really mess with my stepson. I was his real dad. The only one he has known. My daughter, who is 5, would be devastated and wouldnt understand. I couldnt do that to her and since i'm the father, I was behind the 8 ball in terms of chances for custody. 

I just wasnt prepared to not have her in my life every single day. I can get past my wife cheating on me, I cant get past not seeing my 5 year old everyday. Now, if she were older and able to understand what was happening, things may have been different.

I know I can get past this as long as she is the woman/wife she was prior and is supposed to always be. Time will tell. I do still love her even though I hate her for what she did.



DarkHoly said:


> I don't know about anyone else but I want to hear more about how the OM isn't a real man.


Where shall I start? Lets see....He has abandoned his son twice now. First at birth, second to save his ass from the affair. The very best I can call him is an absentee father. Many times he was a deadbeat. 

He would "sell" his son back to my wife when he didnt want him or couldnt pay child support. This was a big cause of tension for me and what eventually led to finding out the affair. He was supposed to get him for a full month every summer. He told my wife to keep him and just refund him the child support back for the month. 

He is unable to keep a job longer than a few months. When he would lose his job, again he would "sell" his visitation if my wife refunded his child support. To the state, he fulfilled his obligation and he gets his money back. He came over one day having a fit because he did his tax return and the state garnished his tax return for the past due child support. He was up in arms about his money demanding we return it to him if he waived his parental rights. 

He has an affair while his wife is 8 months pregnant with his second child.

I could keep going but I dont have the time. The list is long. An animal cares more about their offspring than this fool does.

Anyone who abandons their child to save their own ass doesnt even deserve to be called an animal. An animal is more honorable than that piece of trash.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> Initially I stayed for the kids. First, I knew it would really mess with my stepson. I was his real dad. The only one he has known. My daughter, who is 5, would be devastated and wouldnt understand. I couldnt do that to her and since i'm the father, I was behind the 8 ball in terms of chances for custody.
> 
> I just wasnt prepared to not have her in my life every single day. I can get past my wife cheating on me, I cant get past not seeing my 5 year old everyday. Now, if she were older and able to understand what was happening, things may have been different.
> 
> I know I can get past this as long as she is the woman/wife she was prior and is supposed to always be. Time will tell. I do still love her even though I hate her for what she did.


Can I ask a question? Why can't your beautiful, hot, smokin' in-shape wife call the OMW and fess up and tell her what happened? Why does this have to weigh on your shoulders? You are not the culprit here. 

And so if that nullifies the agreement that the OM stays away from the boy, well then shouldn't she also be responsible for keeping her fly zipped when they do the exchanges? 

Would I trust her? Hell no. But if she is serious about not losing you she can figure out how to do the exchanges with as little conversation with her ex as possible. 

Your wife is a coward. She is the one who should be solving this problem, not you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Had it been a random, hot young guy she met, it would have been harder because I would have taken this more personal.


I think your logic is in reverse. 

He is her ex. She would rather cheat with this loser than be loyal to you.

You are rationalizing.

Did you make her take a poly? From what you described of her during the last 2 years, I wouldn't be sure if it was just one guy. you believed what she confessed.

And about the "man" thing, people always find a way to rationalize their actions. 

I am pretty sure you will regret not outing him to his wife in the future. Imagine her(OMW) doing the same thing to you.(say she found the affair much before you and never told you or had more details about their relationship) That would be pretty ironic, wouldn't it?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It is troubling that she would wreck your family over a pos that ditched her while pregnant. Doesn't say a lot about her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> It is troubling that she would wreck your family over a pos that ditched her while pregnant. Doesn't say a lot about her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Hawx, I think you should be shifting your anger away from the OM. You have written extensively about how big a POS this guy is...The problem with that is, we already know he sucks. So do you. The issue is that your wife KNEW all of this already...And STILL chose to have an affair with this guy. She was willing to risk her marriage, family and future for an affair with this POS. 

Every sentence you write about this guy, and every ounce of anger you have is understandable. Is your wife truly that much better? SHE inflicted this damage upon your step son, not just the OM. She can cry about it all she wants. It doesn't change anything.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Whip Morgan said:


> Hawx, I think you should be shifting your anger away from the OM. You have written extensively about how big a POS this guy is...The problem with that is, we already know he sucks. So do you. The issue is that your wife KNEW all of this already...And STILL chose to have an affair with this guy. She was willing to risk her marriage, family and future for an affair with this POS.
> 
> Every sentence you write about this guy, and every ounce of anger you have is understandable. Is your wife truly that much better? SHE inflicted this damage upon your step son, not just the OM. She can cry about it all she wants. It doesn't change anything.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Most cheating ex wives don't become apologetic until they get hard up for money or a place to live.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP consider that your wife knew what a complete loser om is and was yet she was completely willing to throw away you and the stability for the kids to bone said loser. Either he is a monster in the sack and she couldn't wait for the hit sex or she is a bird if similiar feather. 

Your stepson is getting the **** end of this deal. At his age he should have some say in visitation with his bio dad. That has been stripped of him out of cowardice. Cowardice from several adults in his life including his mother. Posoms wife should be told. Who gives a rip if she makes his life pure hell. That opens up visitation as an option for your stepson if he wants it. 

You seem to be transferring your anger to posom... I get that he is an idiot but your wife was a willing participant who sure as hell should have know. Better given the history.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm not pissed at the OM. I truly do not give a crap about him. I really dont. I've never liked that clown because of how he was with my stepson. I never had respect for him as a father or a human being even before this happened.

I'm not pissed at him because I didnt take vows to him. I took vows to my wife. i dont expect him to have my familys best interest at heart. I did expect my wife to. All my anger is on my wife because it doesnt matter what happens to that other clown. My life wont change if I out him. Besides, just because I dont out him now doesnt mean I cant in the future. I know this, he knows this, I have all the evidence tucked away for safe keeping.

I'm focusing all my energy on what matters. Thats my children and the R of this marriage. I dont have the time or energy to worry about him. The evidence is there if I ever need it. Plus it will fit perfectly with whatever lie he told his wife as to why he doesnt pick up his son anymore. 

Besides, even if his wife finds out and he still wants to see his son, which is a big IF....even if we make arrangements for my stepson to wait somewhere, he will be a constant reminder in my life. How many of you BS out there would want a constant weekly and every holiday reminder of the OM? If my stepson told me he wanted to see him, that would be a different story. He isnt hurt about not seeing his father so much as he is the fact that the loser threw him away to save his ass. Before the affair he hated going over to this house for the weekends.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

workindad said:


> OP consider that your wife knew what a complete loser om is and was yet she was completely willing to throw away you and the stability for the kids to bone said loser.


Oh I think about this everyday. Like I said, had the kids not been in the picture, or even if my daughter was old enough to understand, I would have been gone. No hesitation.

I know some people will say kids go through this all the time but this is my kid. I wasnt ready to blow up her entire world that she has always known. I love my daughter so much that I'm willing to give my wife a chance to redeem herself. We are providing a loving home for both kids. Things are broken but they can be repaired.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> *I'm not pissed at the OM. I truly do not give a crap about him. I really dont. I've never liked that clown because of how he was with my stepson. I never had respect for him as a father or a human being even before this happened.*
> 
> I'm not pissed at him because I didnt take vows to him. I took vows to my wife. i dont expect him to have my familys best interest at heart. I did expect my wife to. All my anger is on my wife because it doesnt matter what happens to that other clown. My life wont change if I out him. Besides, just because I dont out him now doesnt mean I cant in the future. I know this, he knows this, I have all the evidence tucked away for safe keeping.
> 
> ...


Pardon my saying so, but you're lying to yourself. You hold the OM with more responsibility than you do your wife. It should be the other way around. You keep going on and on saying he's not a real man. That you so readily reconcile to your wife who is brazen in all of this casts a telling light on the situation- your anger is justified but it is not being channeled in the right direction. I wouldn't go so far as to say the OM is guiltless, but I can say at the very least that if your wife is as attractive as you say she is, you can expect other men to want to be with her. You can't blame anyone for wanting her. She is responsible, not they, for your marriage. 

I don't want anyone to think I'm validating the OM. He's scum. But he is the catalyst in this, not the culprit.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

hawx20 said:


> I'm not pissed at the OM. I truly do not give a crap about him. I really dont. I've never liked that clown because of how he was with my stepson. I never had respect for him as a father or a human being even before this happened.
> 
> I'm not pissed at him because I didnt take vows to him. I took vows to my wife. i dont expect him to have my familys best interest at heart. I did expect my wife to. All my anger is on my wife because it doesnt matter what happens to that other clown. My life wont change if I out him. Besides, just because I dont out him now doesnt mean I cant in the future. I know this, he knows this, I have all the evidence tucked away for safe keeping.
> 
> ...



Isn't he 16 years old? Can he not do his own stuff?

What is your relationship with your stepson ? I get a feeling that it isn't as good as you want it to be. I remember(reading in your older thread) you resenting him for doing something for his dad on his birthday while he did little for yours. this was before your D-day. He might be more inclined to reach out to his biological father even though you were his "real dad". It happens and being a teenager, he might not truly appreciate what you are doing/did for him all these years.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

If the situation were reversed, wouldn't you want the OM's wife to tell you that your wife was cheating on you?

Look, I get what you're saying about this guy being in your stepson's life. And that you dont want that reminder. But your wife is a reminder also, isn't she? Ask how many BS's here that cannot look at their WS without thinking about what they did. 

If the OM wants to be a part of his son's life, its up to the son. And at 16, do you REALLY think he is incapable of standing up for himself if he chooses not to see his bio father? Another issue is, as you acknowledged, he may decide to reach out anyway...

Again, your wife put you here. How many cases on TAM involve a NC letter with the AP? Well, here, that cannot and will not happen. Your WS chose an AP who will always have a connection, and that means the potential for future contact. Direct contact between your WS and her AP. 

Some WS who post here will describe how they gave no consideration to the consequences of their actions. My cheating ex-fiancee would say the same. Your wife can say the same. But she knew the dynamics of the situation she created. 

You have the opportunity to inform a woman of the ****bag she is married to. Hell, she may already understand he sucks, but is in the dark about his most recent affair. You would want to know. I think part of you wants to tell her. You seem very casual about telling the OM's wife...She is a human being, also. She deserves atleast a modicum of respect, Hawx.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hawx20 said:


> Besides, even if his wife finds out and he still wants to see his son, which is a big IF....even if we make arrangements for my stepson to wait somewhere, he will be a constant reminder in my life.


You're making a mountain out of a molehill. Go read some other threads, like calvin and CSS's, where the POSOM REALLY messed with the BH. Makes your issues seem like bubble gum.

Just drop the crapola about how much of an issue he is (he isn't), how much he can mess with ANY of you (he can't), and instead focus on showing your stepson what integrity looks like by addressing any occurrences with honesty, calmness, and doing the right thing. He matters not one whit in you or your stepson's or wife's lives unless he is smelling around your wife again. 

Your SS is old enough to decide if he ever wants to see his dad again and old enough to make it happen. When I turned 16, my newly remarried dad told me that if I wanted to see him again, I knew where he lived and now had a license and car to get there, so he wouldn't be back around our house. So be it. His loss. Let your SS decide that on his own. Offer to help him however he needs it, focus on getting him at least a couple rounds of therapy, and move on with your lives. 

The only real issue you have is your SS's unresolved anger and pain. Deal with THAT.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Also you are all over the place..you say you care about the OM and then you don't.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

workindad said:


> OP consider that your wife knew what a complete loser om is and was yet she was completely willing to throw away you and the stability for the kids to bone said loser.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hawx:

Please also consider that your stepson knows that his MOM was willing to throw away the stability that YOU brought to his life, for a fling with an absolute POS -- he knows it, you know it, your wife knows. I haven't been in your shoes or his shoes, but the circumstances say he is in an even worse position than you. His MOM did not pick a stranger, but the man who has hurt HIM so many times. His Dad doesn't care about him and won't protect him. His Mom may care about him, but (clearly) is incapable of protecting him. 

That leaves you. I suspect you are strong enough to do this, but I am sorry you have to.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

1812overture said:


> Hawx:
> 
> Please also consider that your stepson knows that his MOM was willing to throw away the stability that YOU brought to his life, for a fling with an absolute POS -- he knows it, you know it, your wife knows. I haven't been in your shoes or his shoes, but the circumstances say he is in an even worse position than you. His MOM did not pick a stranger, but the man who has hurt HIM so many times. His Dad doesn't care about him and won't protect him. His Mom may care about him, but (clearly) is incapable of protecting him.
> 
> That leaves you. I suspect you are strong enough to do this, but I am sorry you have to.


And ultimately the son resents the mother for putting him in this position not seeing biodad.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> Exposure is meant to end an affair. It should not be used as punishment. Exposure can have a wide swath of damage.
> 
> The OM has thrown his own son to the wolves. What will exposure do now? You don't need to ruin someone's life than it is already ruined. Giving up your child... That is just sadness.
> 
> ...


WTF is this kind of talk? I don't get it, and it pisses me off, doesn't anyone give a crap about the OM's wife?! Why doesn't she deserve to know the truth?! Why should she live a lie for the next however many years! It's just wrong on so many levels, so everyone has to keep quiet to protect the OM, and the OM wife who has done no wrong gets to live a lie, and feel utterly humiliated and destroyed when she finds out about it in x years (which she will) years she could have spent with someone who actually loved her, and would not cheat on her.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> WTF is this kind of talk? I don't get it, and it pisses me off, doesn't anyone give a crap about the OM's wife?! Why doesn't she deserve to know the truth?! Why should she live a lie for the next however many years! It's just wrong on so many levels, so everyone has to keep quiet to protect the OM, and the OM wife who has done no wrong gets to live a lie, and feel utterly humiliated and destroyed when she finds out about it in x years (which she will) years she could have spent with someone who actually loved her, and would not cheat on her.


He is protection his 16 year old step son.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The OMW can be dealt with next week. Right now, he's dealing with a stepson who is having a meltdown. HE matters most.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

DarkHoly said:


> Pardon my saying so, but you're lying to yourself. You hold the OM with more responsibility than you do your wife. It should be the other way around. You keep going on and on saying he's not a real man. That you so readily reconcile to your wife who is brazen in all of this casts a telling light on the situation- your anger is justified but it is not being channeled in the right direction. I wouldn't go so far as to say the OM is guiltless, but I can say at the very least that if your wife is as attractive as you say she is, you can expect other men to want to be with her. You can't blame anyone for wanting her. She is responsible, not they, for your marriage.
> 
> I don't want anyone to think I'm validating the OM. He's scum. But he is the catalyst in this, not the culprit.


No i dont. All these feelings I had about the OM, that I have posted here, I had before they had the affair. I never respected or liked him in the slightest sense. He disgusted me everytime he came over to pick up my SS.  I never took him as a threat or was jealous of him. No, my hatred of him was there well before the affair.

I blame him for pursuing my wife. I blame my wife for the affair. She took vows to me, he didnt. Again, these feelings I had prior to any known affair. I've always hated him for the way he has been to my SS. So these words I use to describe him arent because of the affair.

Believe me, I have the ability to destroy this mans life, both emotionally and financially. The fact that I havent done so shows that I dont put the brunt of the blame on him. He presented my wife with an option and she took it. He didnt force her, he didnt kidnap her, he gave her the option. The blame is on her.

Some of you people look at every BS and a coward and weak. I am neither of those. I have my reasons for staying. She is damn lucky I am. Out of both of us, I would be the one who came out okay if we divorced. She would not be so good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hawx, I think the reason people keep telling you that is that you keep coming here spewing hatred for the OM yet you rarely say the same about your wife, who was just as complicit. We often see BSs heap all the blame on the OM, so people are just concerned that you're giving her a free pass. That is all.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

We haven't implied anything Hawx. But you are participating in the continued deception that your wife and her OM began. You're protecting your children. We get that. But there is a child about to be borne to a woman who is being intentionally deceived by your wife and her OM. and you're helping. Your stepson is almost legally an adult. There will be nothing that can be done if his bio did want to spend time with him but the son does not. I get that you have a young child who would suffer. I think everyone here does. But Mrs. Hawx chose to begin her affair with someone who she will ALWAYS be connected to... You won't have the ability of NC. do you really believe that you will never deal with OM again? Or your wife will never deal with him again? I think you know that isn't the case. The stepson will forever link them... 

Your description of what a terrible person the OM is says a lot about your wife, too. She could just as easily inform the OM's wife about who she is married to and allow her to make the decision about moving forward as a married couple or not. But she hasn't. Nor have you. As I said before, you strike me as being very casual about allowing this deception to continue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

turnera said:


> hawx, I think the reason people keep telling you that is that you keep coming here spewing hatred for the OM yet you rarely say the same about your wife, who was just as complicit. We often see BSs heap all the blame on the OM, so people are just concerned that you're giving her a free pass. That is all.



I put all the blame on her. In the end, she made the choice. She put herself above her husband and children. I tell her I still love her, but I also have hate for her in my heart for what she did. I'm not giving this woman any free pass. She is paying her dues best she can. 

I tell her there are moments each day where I absolutely hate her. Right now is one of those moments. Sitting here, typing this, I can feel the rage I have inside me. What she did will never be forgotten. I have not forgiven her yet and she continues to pay one hell of a price for what she did. 

So just to be clear....I am extremely angry with her. I dont forgive her. I hate her at times and think about leaving her every damn day. Believe me, every damn day I want to go home and yell at her and make her feel like crap by throwing it all in her face. 

She knows how I feel. It would do no good to create a hostile home environment. I still love this woman. One day I hope to be able to forgive her. If that day comes, trust me, she will have earned it. If not, well then maybe one day we will end up divorced.

Just because I decided to stay with her doesnt mean I will stay forever. Just because I dont out the OM doesnt mean I never will. I'm just trying to do the best I can by doing what I think is the best for my family.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

OP I think you should be commended for showing such patients in a clearly F up situation you are doing what you know is right for you and your blended family and I can respect that. Personally if I where in your situation I would have declared WW3


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

xakulax said:


> OP I think you should be commended for showing such patients in a clearly F up situation you are doing what you know is right for you and your blended family and I can respect that. Personally if I where in your situation I would have declared WW3



Thank you.

Inside, I want to declare WW3. If I did, what would be the point of R? I deal with pain and anger everyday just like every other BS does. I just try to find a way to channel that into something productive.

My main concern are the children. Trying to create a loving home for them. If I were to unleash my emotions everyday on my wife, what kind of life would that be for my kids?

When I decided to R, I looked into all the possible outcomes. What would life be liked if we divorced? Could I handle losing my wife and worse, losing custody of my daughter? What would happen to my SS and his well being? If we divorced, how would I handle having to be connected to this woman to whom I would have undying hatred for for the rest of my life?

Also asked myself could I get past this, at first, for the benefit of the kids. Could a loving home still be created through all of this? I see the hatred my parents still have for each other to this day and how horrible its been as their child, even as an adult. They divorced over 20 years ago and both hate each other like it happened yesterday. I didnt want that for my life and my childrens lives. 

At the end of the day, I believe we can get past this. My children are worth taking that chance for. I'm still young and if I waste a couple years and R doesnt work, well my kids are worth that chance. I still love my wife and if she does what she says and spends the rest of her life making it up, I think we'll be okay one day. 

If not, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.


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