# Why's he being nice???



## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Over the last 10 days or so, my H has had days where he's been actually "nice" to me... He'd rub my neck and shoulders...speak nicely to me...attempt to be reasonable...basically, *not* be himself.
Frankly though, I'm tired...it seems like the same old thing. He acts nice, I stop considering leaving, and we try to work things out--but something goes wrong, we fight, we say mean terrible things and we hate one another again. And the cycle repeats again and again...
I used to hop right back on this crazy ride hoping he'd really keep up being 'changed'. Now though, I know it won't last and we'll repeat the same thing over and over again...
I don't feel anything for him now when he acts nice, and I don't get why he doesn't see it...that I don't respond to his niceness.
I think it's obvious I'm not happy and want my life to change, but he seems to be oblivious to it or thinks he's going to sucker me back in... 
Why can't he see I want out for real?


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## JJD (Jun 8, 2011)

Unfortunately, we don't really believe that you will leave it we appear to attempt to change. I found this out the hard way after I had begun to change only to be told, "I love you but I am not in love with you." 

The ironic part is today she was actually confirmng how she can see that I am changing... for the better but she "doesn't feel anything for me anymore" and "feels empty".

My "story" is here:  New Member -- Similar Story

For your own sanity and peace of mind, perhaps you need to try the direct approach with an ultimate and a deadline and stick to it? I wish that my wife had actually done so with me.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

I tell my H all the time that I also "feel empty"....
I have read books, gone to therapy, etc. and know that feeling happy and non-empty(whatever that is lol) comes from within... We are in charge of our happiness and all that jazz...

But what I think myself and your W are saying by "empty" encompasses a whole host of bad feelings--lonely, sad, depressed, etc... When I think about all that, it all kinda boils down to just not being 'happy'...my marriage isn't making me happy. It's bringing me more unhappy than happy.

I have been direct with my H and explained this to him, and what I posted under your thread...and H does behave somewhat differently than he had in the past. He's kind of reprogramming himself to understand my emotions instead of just putting up his usual defenses...we talk more in a positive way, instead of the child-like fighting we're so good at. And he does take some steps to physically behave differently than before--like being somewhat more affectionate. But all in all, it is small steps and slow going. And I just keep wondering if this journey with him is ultimately going to be worth it...will I eventually be 'happy' with him, instead of completely miserable most of the time with little bits of "ok" thrown in.
Ultimately I'm just trying to figure if the positives of our marriage are going to outweigh the negatives.
I think everyone just wants to be happy, and a marriage can either contribute to that happiness or take away from it.....


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## JJD (Jun 8, 2011)

> Ultimately I'm just trying to figure if the positives of our marriage are going to outweigh the negatives.
> I think everyone just wants to be happy, and a marriage can either contribute to that happiness or take away from it.....


That's about the sum of it all. If you evaluate it fairly and honestly enough, you will find out whether or not it is worth trying to continue or not.

A friend of mine who has known me since I was four years old told me this when I relayed to him the having heard "I love you but I am not in love you" statement; he said, "_I don't know about your marriage, but I do know about being married. It takes two people to make and two people to break. Taking all of the responsibility is a taditional male virtue, but if you seriously think it's all about what you could have done different, you probably aren't thinking clearly. Are you a drunk? A phlanderer? Do you make money on the side directing porn or running a casino/brothel in your basement? No? Are you not romantic enough? When was the last time YOU got flowers at work? Never? Really? Interesting..._"

The point being is that it really does take two to make the marriage work. Both parties have to make significant effort for it to even have a chance to succeed. Since you have read my posts, you now that in my relationship, it is currently a totally one sided effort. I'm hoping that she voluntarily changes her mind and sees that the grass is not necessarily greener elsewhere when you pack up and leave your yard (and it's "problems") or I am hoping that she sees enough positive changes that I am making in myself and the things I am doing and have done to try to salvage this relationship to show her that I truly am dedicated to making this work and trying to make her happy with me.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I have heard the "I feel empty" phrase as well and here was my response:
> 
> 
> There comes a time when you are leading him on by not being decisive about your own committment to your marriage. how long do you plan on stringing him along while he makes changes and you sit here wanting promises of him fixing you? Didnt you want him to work on his issues? What are YOU working on Mrs. Perfection on your stool. are you approachable and sensual? are you inviting? or do you brow beat him every time he gets close? Maybe he should just come home and rub your feet everyday and forget himself as long as you are satisfied....
> ...


WTF??? Whose post are you responding to??? I never said anything about "16 years ago"...I wasn't even old enough to be married 16 years ago!

I think what you posted was way harsh considering you don't know the whole situation Mr. Know it All... I have put into my marriage!!! You have no frikkin clue *how* much!!!! I've seduced, enticed, kept the spark alive...the whole nine yards and I"m sick of it!!! Does he do that type of thing for me??? No.

I supported him and his kids for *a year* and took on debt in order to support them all, and I got a "thank you"--and now he's hoarding "his" money in a secret bank account. Really?! For all the money I've spent and all I've invested in our marriage, that's what I get???

"Wrong irrational thinking of a child"... really?! Well, I'd say your thinking is probably why *you're* on here.... If you're so right, why are you on here posting???


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you are truly done, then you must convey that to him. 
Next time he goes to massage you, tell him, No more. I am done which means no couple-y things.

if you aren't done though then talk to him about reconciling.


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## voryn (Jun 13, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I have heard the "I feel empty" phrase as well and here was my response:
> 
> 
> There comes a time when you are leading him on by not being decisive about your own committment to your marriage. how long do you plan on stringing him along while he makes changes and you sit here wanting promises of him fixing you? Didnt you want him to work on his issues? What are YOU working on Mrs. Perfection on your stool. are you approachable and sensual? are you inviting? or do you brow beat him every time he gets close? Maybe he should just come home and rub your feet everyday and forget himself as long as you are satisfied....
> ...


I'm new here and all, and I mean no disrespect but your response was harsh and came off very judgemental and biased. It's a forum and there are some times when we loose details in translation we forget to add all the things we did or didn't do right in the mix but it felt like you came out of the gate guns blazing on the OP. That kind of response is the reason why people repress emotions and let them fester inside because they no longer feel comfortable about sharing anymore. I'm sure you meant well and have good solid advice to offer but this should be a place where we focus on finding solutions and not bashing or belittling people.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Thanks Voryn...I appreciate the support. It seems like shoobo is taking his marital frustrations out on me...


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