# Husbands who are not Dominate enough & Wives who are - how to reverse roles?



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am seeking advice here. I am happily married in just about every aspect there is -except sometimes in the bedroom. Husband & myself have never been with another , 20 yrs married plus kids. As we have aged, now my sex drive is higher than this, this bugs me more than I can express. I find I am 90%of the time, the "initiator" (the one who flirts, mentiones sex, touches 1st, etc). I am also more Erotic, more dominate in bedroom--probably because I Have to be. He is more "sensual". 

One blessed thing is : He NEVER turns me down, he will do whatever he can to please me, He is more "Re-active" in the fact, if I suggest sex, he will "go along"-and happily, I know he enjoys himself but I cant get over wanting him to come on to me, be more suggestive, BE the manly Aggressor. WHY does this bother me so much --should it ? Am I being too critical? Mean spirited? Or is this normal for women to WANT their men to seduce them erotically & aggressively? I have let this become my fantasy I guess, do I need to let it go? This is not the type of man I am married too. 

We do talk, I share ALL OF THIS with him, I will even show him the answers to this thread. I guess I am finding that this is getting old- for me , He is perfectly fine with our sex life in every aspect, but I want him to BE the initiator at least half the time -- I want him to be the Dominating one, I want him to be the one that is Hot & lusty -as men usually are. It is me who buys the lingerie, decides when to put it on & act "hot" in hopes of getting some action, It is me who talks dirty, flirty, it is me who says "lets watch some porn tonight", it is me who loves to talk about sex, it is me who ooohhs & awwhhhs during lovemaking, he is totally quiet, it is me who suggests anything new, erotic or exciting. 

He says he loves Sex, but because I am always the one who seems to persue anything , I OFTEN feel like he does not "desire me", which he swears is not the case. I am thin & still very good looking for my age, many of my male friends would love to claim me as thier own. Looks & attraction is not the issue. Husband has been ever faithful. He is mid 
40's and has lower testosterone levels which are normal, been tested last year. I know this is some of the problem. BUt it does frustrate me & many times I say things to hurt him cause I truly desire a more Aggressive "take action" kind of man in the bedroom-even though I never had this, I feel like I am missing something. 

Is there any way to get a Passive man more Aggressive ? Besides withholding sex for days on end (then I might go crazy, patience is not one of my strong points).


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i am slowly learning as my wife and i grow older and change, she wants to be dominated (alot of help from here too)

i have been afraid i might do something she doesnt want me to do in bed, but i am finding if i get her riled up enough i can try anything (nothing real crazy mind you). maybe he has the same fears, but it sounds like your open enough that he shouldnt be timid about it.

was he the main agressor early on in your relationship? if so did you refuse his advances often?
thats what happened to me and it made me less interested after awhile


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am seeking advice here. I am happily married in just about every aspect there is -except sometimes in the bedroom. Husband & myself have never been with another , 20 yrs married plus kids. As we have aged, now my sex drive is higher than this, this bugs me more than I can express. I find I am 90%of the time, the "initiator" (the one who flirts, mentiones sex, touches 1st, etc). I am also more Erotic, more dominate in bedroom--probably because I Have to be. He is more "sensual".
> 
> One blessed thing is : He NEVER turns me down, he will do whatever he can to please me, He is more "Re-active" in the fact, if I suggest sex, he will "go along"-and happily, I know he enjoys himself but I cant get over wanting him to come on to me, be more suggestive, BE the manly Aggressor. WHY does this bother me so much --should it ? Am I being too critical? Mean spirited? Or is this normal for women to WANT their men to seduce them erotically & aggressively? I have let this become my fantasy I guess, do I need to let it go? This is not the type of man I am married too.
> 
> ...



What you are describing here is absolutely perfectly normal and every man and woman on this forum should read your post a dozen times if needed for it to sink in!

1. A woman WILL RESENT a weak man. 
2. A man strives to dominate, a woman strives to be dominated. A women that does not feel dominated will feel insecure and "provoke" the man in attempt to test his mettle. This manifests as the "nagging" or "witholding sex" that so many men complaining of.
3. A woman's sex drive should be every bit as strong as a mans, and as they get older should increase over a man's. If this is not true in your relationship then find out what is wrong and FIX IT!

Your man is intimidated by you, and it is making him feel like less a man. In turn, he is robbing you of your emotional and sexual need to feel feminine. The roles you have assumed, because he has not, are the roles he needs to be doing. He should be the one picking out your clothes that HE LIKES, he should be the initiator and controller of the "when and how" of the sexual relationship (believe me he will be reading your signs and cues like a book though!).

Your husband is a man, so be assured in him is the tiger waiting to be unleashed. But his love for you, and initimidation make him think it would be inappropriate. Maybe too much political correct thinking or social taboo or religioius upbringing sometimes too.

The Sex relationship is both the mirror and support of entire relationship, so in ways outside of sex the woman can be creative to subtley "let" the man dominate (picking out her clothes, deciding to the minute an evening out without asking the woman to decide, money priorities, etc.), and within the sexual relationship something meaningful, like in a religious sense a "ceremony" or "rite of passage" of some sorts can sometimes wake the inner caveman or shining knight within the man. This can look like acting out a ravishment fantasy where he takes a woman by her hair and is sexually aggressive (all men have this fantasy whether they admit it or not), or him pulling down a womans underwear, throwing her across his knee and spanking her bare bottom. 

Letting a man taste the primal emotions he has been suppressing, and with "his" woman's excited and loving response guiding him, will allow him to be the man you both truly want him to be. 

Good luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> was he the main agressor early on in your relationship? if so did you refuse his advances often?
> thats what happened to me and it made me less interested after awhile


 Hmmm, he was NEVER very aggressive accually. When we were married, I was pretty religious & took those feelings of sex being "dirty" right through the Honeymoon & beyond , We used to have sex about once a week, and he basically suffered in silence INSTEAD of talking to me about it , or coming on in any dominate or aggressive way to arouse me. As far as initiating, even then he liked when I "came to him". My husband has the patience of JOB, he was dying for sex--was frustrated & grouchy, but still waited for me to come on to him!! I would say back then-when his drive was higher than mine, 50% of the time he initiated. I used to read alot of books in bed and he says he used to HATE my books, I really had no clue that he was so frustrated. (UNtil we started REALLY talking about everything sexual about a year ago when my drive went up & I started these converstations). And yes, on occasion the books were more of an interest to me -than sex & he felt Rejected. I think he then further tried to supress his desire-which didnt help.

He LOVES the fact I am the way I am NOW-- do SOME men always want the women to come on to them, they enjoy being taken by a woman/dominated? He has always said he likes "tough" women. I don't mind this once & a while, but darn, I need that from him at least half of the time. It would make my world but he can not seem to follow through , no matter how many times I tell him, or suggest to him what I "need" or desire. Or maybe I am being too critical. I have ever abundant Love, I have ever abundant Affection, I have ever abundant Faithfulness, I have an orgasm almost daily and I am still complaining ! 

I do not feel I RESENT him - yet - and I hope it does not ever come to that. He is a beautiful loving husband, father, my best friend & Provider. But I have said that I RESENT the fact he never talked to me in the past about "his needs", and that he cheated us both out of a good sex life while we were young & he was his horniest, that I was probably sexually repressed & he needed to do whatever possible to bring me out of that mindset, that was HIS Duty as my husband. So I have layed some guilt on him. And I would say "I nag", not so much about having sex, but what I want from him during lovemaking. 

I would not be surprised if I intimidate him. Very very possible, and his upbringing, yeah, the Religious could be playing a part. We no longer attend Church but some things are so ingrained in our brains. Only through reading & more reading did I finally escape my taboos sexually & now feel liberated in this area. He is NOT a reader-would fall asleep in a heartbeat. But he allows me to read to him. 

Evertything Big Bad Wolf said I agree with, but seriously, getting my husband to do any of these things --is like pulling teeth. I tell him to DECIDE on many things, but he always brings it back to me-- whereever I want to go, whatever I want to buy, wherever I want to eat, When I want to go, I even handle the $$ like he mentioned. I think the few things I dont do or decide upon is working on the vehicles, a leaky roof or building something. He takes intiative there. 

I have told him to pull my hair, throw me down on the bed, maybe up against the wall, he has made a few half attempts but seriously, this just doesn't seem to be "him" -I don't really think he is comfortale acting like this -at all. Ya know, just coming home & picking me up & walking to the bedroom, I have never had that in 20 yrs of marraige. Am I watching too many romantic movies --maybe. 

Please Keep the suggestions coming. 
I am glad to hear I am "normal" in what I want anyway.


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## sinlesstouch (Dec 3, 2009)

I think you are right, its oK if you just want to have a bit of wildness from your husband, I recommend you to try something that fits on you both from an adult store, not necessary sex toys but maybe romantic games, or something spicy... try here for a nice romantic game


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

The best way to change someone's behavior is to reward them whenever they do what you like. The worst way is to complain, because that makes them defensive. So, if he ever does propose sex, or a sex act, or whatever, you go along with it and make sure he enjoys himself and he knows that you enjoyed it too.

I can't tell you why he's not aggressive, but he may have a concern about you doing something you don't want because he pushed you into it. That's thoughtful, but (as you've described) it has a downside.

If you can talk him into it, you might try to sign up for a ballroom dance class. He leads, you follow. If you get good at it, he doesn't even have to say anything: he just directs your body with his by the way he moves. Setting up that dynamic while dancing might help him get used to leading you at other times, too. (If you wear a dress or a skirt he likes to dance class, and behave invitingly afterwards, that increases the likelihood he'll make the first move. You, of course, should be sure to reward such a first move.)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sinlesstouch: 
Thank you for that website, it has MORE Sex Games than any site I have ever seen--Fantastic collection-all in one place! We do have 2 games -"Discover Your Lover" and one other called "Monogamy" I ordered from England a few months back- that one has some really wild ideas on the cards, almost too crazy for us to try. Do you have any Personal suggestions ?? 

Artieb: Believe me, I REWARD. I encourage him to the hilts if he does something unexpected that I want. With words, touch, even later saying it again, how much something was appreciated, deeply appreciated. I do not lack in encouragement. BUT on the flip side, if a stretch goes too long & I start feeling like "it is all me again", if I start feeling he is TOO quiet, that I give "more" than him, then unfortunetly it is inevitable, I can feel the critical beast slowly rising within me - and capable of being unleashed on him. It may start out with me simply withdrawing -being quiet like him, he says he can "tell" I am upset-and he doesnt want me to be mad at him. I am a dead give-away, one of those people who can NOT hide what I am feeling, always on the sleeve. So then it starts, sometimes leads to a meltdown, sometimes not. Luckily, he does NOT withdraw, he listens, BUT what he does is take it all SO very personal. My desires/needs = he is a bad lover, he is inadequate. If I can't tell him what I want / desire without him feeling inadequate, well, this causes a dilemma. 

Ball room dancing, not sure where I would find that in my area, but nice idea! We are not much for dancing, but it would be fun to learn.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

You mentioned time and time again that you tell him to do that stuff...well...that's where you're going wrong. Telling him to do something is you being the dominant one...that's an instruction...a request.Get it? Plus, submissive people (me being one of them) are used to being like that. In a relationship, decissions have to be made (regarding everything from sex to the colour of your vacuum cleaner). Some people are more picky, others settle for anything and are happy anyway. The latter person tends to be the one who becomes submissive in that relationship.

Throughout time, that person will be used to the other person making decisions and being the one in the lead. Equality would be nice but it rarely happens. This means he/she will feel awkward making such decissions in the pressence of their mate (even though when alone they might be just fine with deciding stuff). For several reasons. One of mine is that I feel rejected when my ideas get rejected. My husband is very picky at everything, whereas i'm happy at anything. If he choses something, i'll be fine with it. If i choose something, i have to go through a list of 5-6 things to get to what he wants. Every time i give an option I get a rejection. So if i give ideas and he'll be ok with the ..say...6th one...i get rejected 5 times on the way there. See what I mean? I'm trying to not take it personal and not see it as rejection and i'm succeding. But this is happening after i realized i had this problem.

I don't know how to explain how you should encourage him to be more dominant. Maybe in bed when you're close to starting, try being like an actress. Even tell him that. Pretend you're ...dunno, a naughty schoolgirl,....anything you can think of that would make him want to play as more dominant. As long is along the lines of a game. The more fun it is and not serious the less you're likely to ask indirectly and he's less likely to feel rejected. 

Of course, you'd better know i wouldn't be on these forums if i didn't have a troubled marriage. But the advice may help, because my main area of epic fail is practice, not ideas


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I do not feel I am telling him what to do - as much as trying to share with him what I deeply desire, would bring me to the mountain top with him. If I stopped cold , stopped talking about anything I wanted, it would lead to "supressing" something deep within me, which I feel could lead to some form of 'Resentment" that was mentioned in another post. I don't want that to happen either. I am still highly attracted to my husband and only want him. I do not treat him badly in anyway- other than the occasional meltdown about this. Infact I probably almost worship him I am so good to him. In fact, he has even apologized for taking me for granted before. So please understand I am not mistreating him terribly/dominatingly trying to force something, if I have given that impression. 

Now, there was a time in our past, I was not this good to him, and I probably took him for granted. But those days are gone and he is very happy about it. We had more issues then than we do now. Maybe we are too close, too intimate, and I should step back and purposely give some distance. If something is too abundant, too available, even if it is GOOD, maybe it can get old after awhile, there is no "chase" with me. Maybe he needs that to get motivated??


Nekko: I do not shoot down his ideas as you describe your husband doing to you - that is very unfortunate and would be awful to live with - I feel for you. I WISH he would give me some Ideas! I long for that --from him! It is true I make much of the descions, but that is cause he ALWAYS brings it back to me, what I want. I guess this has become a habit if you will. I will agree that I am harder to please than he is. Maybe I should just MAKE HIM DECIDE these days as a start?...and not be so available/willing/ready to him. I don't know.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I think a huge problem in my 21 year marriage has been my LACK of taking charge over sex. Nobody taught me anything, so I thought I was being loving and respectful to my wife by not being pushy.

It was probably the most destructive thing I've done.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

> SimplyAmorous said:
> 
> 
> > I do not feel I am telling him what to do - as much as trying to share with him what I deeply desire, would bring me to the mountain top with him.. So please understand I am not mistreating him terribly/dominatingly trying to force something, if I have given that impression.
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sven said:


> I think a huge problem in my 21 year marriage has been my LACK of taking charge over sex. Nobody taught me anything, so I thought I was being loving and respectful to my wife by not being pushy.
> 
> It was probably the most destructive thing I've done.


Sven: 

This sounds very like my husband!! Always about "respect" not pushing the limits. I think sometimes us women NEED that. 

I just took the time to read your story. Heartbreaking, I do hope you & your wife can work these things out. I did not see any real strong emphasis on your not taking control in the bedroom in all of your story, just a few mentions. I did see where you said that -even if she never wanted sex, you would still stay married & faithful to the end. Maybe just hearing this & not feeling you was craving her made her feel unwanted somehow - made it easier to fall into an affrair?? It seemed alot more than that, more so the WOW thing taking up your time. I don't know. 

You sound very committed to your Beliefs, to the point of staying miserable to uphold them. Not so sure that is the best way to live. I was once very religious myself, I feel it caused more damage to the way I delt with people around me & myself, even my husband at the time. He is thrilled I lost that. Now I can see many shades of "grey" when I am confronted with problems, more open, more understanding. I hope you can come to this place IF you do decide to go for that divorce in 4 yrs or earlier. I hope your children will not look upon marraige as something that has to be "endured", I have seen many older teens, young 20's say they will never marry because their parents waited until they left home for that divorce to "spare them" and now they are completely turned against marraige.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

What man or woman doesn't want to be desired, wanted, and ravaged passionately by their true love? We all want that and the perfect balance would be doing that for each other, but it does get unbalanced. 

It's a very secure feeling for the passive person to just "go along" with being pursued, it is also a lazy place to be in. The assertive person ends up having to take the risks, do the work and that's not fair. 

So how to switch the roles, or at least get some equality going over who the pursuer is? Perhaps start by asking your partner to pick one night a week that they seduce you in whichever way they want. 

It could be a sensual massage, role play, anything at all (within your limits of course), but THEY have to plan it and initiate it. This will give them the opportunity to work on their assertiveness skills in a safe environment of all ready knowing you want it. It will also help encourage them to become more assertive as they start to learn what a positive effect it has on you and hopefully they will pick up the reigns a bit more after they discover how much fun it can be to be on a more even keel like this together.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

This is an interesting discussion. I am somewhat in your husband’s role, but not by choice. My wife always initiates and pretty much calls the shots. She is the one who places the boundaries on what is acceptable in the bedroom as well. I would love to take the control back or at least be a little more conservative but she has placed so many constraints on what cannot be done that I feel virtually paralyzed. Don’t get me wrong; I am very happy where we are today as our marriage was sexless for over 11 years up until 10 months ago. We have sex or some sort of intimacy almost every night, she loves to give BJs, she will receive from time to time, but sex is always in missionary position. We tried two or three others, but they were physically uncomfortable. Also, it takes me quite a while to finish. I usually feel pressure to wrap things up if it takes me too long.

I too need to figure out how to break out of my shell as continuing this behavior will not only make it hard on her to accept change but also difficult for me to change what I get used to. 

I don’t have much advice to offer. I can tell you that if my wife really wanted me to take the wheel, at this point she would need to be fairly direct about it. I would love to do it though, I just feel that if I did I would be adding pressure to her and going beyond her comfort level.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Hubby: 
Your situation sounds difficult if she has set up all these boundaries you can not cross. You are almost in a straight -jacket of only being able to do what she allows. My situation is so very different, I welcome all & EVERYTHING, even things I would have frowned on in the past, I am open to. I am more enthusiastic, I am more apt to try new things, the works. There is nothing he needs to fear is going over my boundaries, except maybe asking me to be with a woman & watch.

So it is very different, plus you WANT to take charge, I am afraid my husband has no such desire. He is very happy where he is, I think for him , it is pressure somehow, it does not come natural....The habit of passivity. I said to him the other day asking him outright if I stop initiating, if he would pick up the reigns, he said "I dont' know" - this about killed me. I don't think he meant to hurt me , he has said before he does not want to say something that he can not promise 100% that he will do. So I guess that's his way of not setting me up to be let down. 

Maybe I have some sort of insecurity in me that needs fixed, that this even bothers me, as he is not rejecting me. I always get what I am after. It is just that I am left feeling "Needy" maybe even a "Burden" at times since it is always me showing a "need".


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## justgluit (Dec 5, 2009)

Hi,
I think that you've "initiated" an interesting post. I applaud your spouse in his ability and willingness to satisfy your needs physically. However, I get the impression that his passive behavior has deprived you somewhat of the emotional aspect of physical intimacy.
I believe that good healthy sex is both physical and emotional. Sexual climax without the support of the emotional aspect of it falls short of a complete satisfaction. That's "just sex".
Here's some things that I'd ask the passive husband to consider. If your partner lacks fulfillment although physical gratification has been reached then something important is missing. I think that an important aspect of the physical union is the validation that your partner draws before, during and after the experience. I think that there is a noticeable difference in being "into" someone through strong desire and simply "accomodating" someone out of a sense of duty. Believe me, your spouse can sense what kind of attitude you're bringing into bed. Consider this, would you be turned off a bit if sex with you seemed like a chore?
As far as getting a passive person to become more assertive, I don't think this can be accomplished through manipulative means. I think it occurs when life-lessons are learned from experiences that have made an impact.
Passive husband consider the thing that your wife really wants from you which is to know that she turns you on enough to come after her rather than waiting until she surrenders herself to you. This is key to her sense of self worth which she needs from you.
Dominant (assertive ) wife maintain a healthy respect towards both yourself and your husband. Respect him as not to make him feel insulted as a man. He's a good man. Respect yourself as not to lose dignity as a woman by reducing yourself to a daily chore. I hope this post is helpful.:smthumbup:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Justgluit: 

Thank you for your words. I do believe my husband IS fullfilled , it is me who is lacking this unfortunetly-and that is always at other times, not during lovemaking. For instance, last night we had a beautiful romp, but it was ME afterwards bringing up his earlier words that he didn't know if he would ever initiate if I stopped, I just couldnt get that out of my mind. It was devestating to me. So when I started talking about this afterwards laying in his arms, he was insulted -all he could see is "his performance" - which was wonderful. It was NOT that. I guess it was WRONG for me to bring that up after having fullfilling lovemaking- I called it exhilerating. Very bad timing on my part!!! I regret this now. But unfortunetly I know I will continue to dwell on this. It seems I have to fact the fact this man does not feel it is necessary to give me that. And It is unfathomable to me. 

I am the one who feels like a Chore, he has never said this, he does not act like I am in any way at all accually. I am the one who FEELS "needy", FEELS like a "burden" (He laughed at that one before saying "sex- a burden"??!!), he does nothing to make me feel this way in his attitude during Lovemaking. Again, it is this pathetic thing about needing/wanting/desiring him to come TO ME, to NEED me in the same way I need him --before hand, to initiate. I am quite hung up on this. 

This may sound very strange, but I feel the root of our issues has come to this: I KNOW he LOVES me (I tell him he loves his mother too) - but I question his DESIRE for me. Whereas He knows I DESIRE him, but has come to question my LOVE for him because of my high drive-(thinking I would enjoy any hot lusty man). But I want that hot lusty man to BE HIM! 

How rediculous is that!?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I want to thank every one on here for taking the time to read all of this, for your suggestions, thoughts, even constructive criticism - which I probably need the most to open my eyes to what I have. 

Yesterday I was feeling very Low, dragging on the ground miserable over that comment. And he was also feeling miserable, he did not hug me after work, he had a blank stare at supper. It was not until the middle of the night we started talking, I could not sleep, he finally opened up about still hurting over what I did TO HIM. He says I insulted his manhood with the timing of bringing that up as he felt anything & everything was perfect at that point & how could I afterwards do that to him.  So we talked it through, nowhere to go with these intense feelings but Forgiveness so we can again feel ALIVE & joyous with each other. 

He wants to BE everything I need him to be - and said this, and all I can do is TRUST he will persue that, in the best way HE can. Not the guy next door, or another more dominant male I may wish he was like, but the Best HE can be/give. That is my challenge. And we had some nice make-up sex at 3am. 

All is good in my world today. Thank you all for listening.


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## justgluit (Dec 5, 2009)

Hi Amorous, 
As we all know, marriage requires a lot of teamwork. Both of you would have to be involved in resolving this issue. I get the impression that he's not much for negotiation right now. He's Knows himself and he's secure with who he is right now. What you want is a bit out of character for him.
If I could change the direction a bit at this point, in your posts, you paint the picture that he's doing everything right. If he's not a problem (other than being unwilling to be something out of character for him) then the issue could be founded in you in ways you might not be aware of such as something chemicle or harmone related.
Other than that I would like to encourage you. You are a naturally assertive person.This is an instance where this strength can be a great tool that you could use to propel you over this hump. You'll have to start "being there" for yourself in a bigger way than you've been up to this point. The way you feel may be a result of things that YOU'VE been saying to YOURSELF. There's a lot that a husband (or wife) SHOULD do, but it's nearly impossible to undo what we sometimes do to ourselves. We sometimes make the mistake of wanting others to do what we should be doing for ourselves. I hope you understand what I'm getting at. Focus on building your own esteem. Appearing needy becomes unattractive over a period of time. I know you don't want that! Don't throw away your power.Just some things to think about. Hang in there, both of you!


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

It is most heartening to see that you and your husband are working through this, even though you are concerned with your comment and timing when you brought it up.

That is exactly this, a man strives to dominate, a woman strives to be dominated. 

If this is not allowed to realize in sexual relations and yes maybe in the little and big things outside the bedroom then it is these intense, deep and primal emotional connections that are not made and the marriage is more then of the man and woman living together as roomates or business partners. 

This is the things mentioned by many to be the spark, or the passion, or the romance, or so many other things we say when we are really speaking of sexual attraction. 

Please all good men and woman, again notice exactly this thing that happens. This sometimes insidious feelings against each other that can be the downward spiral of resentment, the man that is not dominated to his woman is resentful that is he not man enough, and the woman is resentful that she feels her man will not fight for her and will eat in her feelings of insecurity and this will fuel emotional barriers.

Again, I wish you well and with these discussions you and your husband are having I hope it will lead both to the little and big changes that you both need.

Perhaps a structured bit of role playing in the bedroom, or something very obvious as your husband must give you a spanking the next time you are very sassy or otherwise obviously initiating his cue to dominate you. Now this when this happens it is sometimes very intimidating for the man the first few times but seeing you loving it and rewarding him as a woman does will make it most worth his while to allow his natural dominance to be more naturally unleashed as time goes on.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Big Bad Wolf: 

This is very funny, you mentioned this spanking thing that men do, me & Him have talked about that a few times, we see it in porn, we have never understood WHY people do that, it just seems very strange to both of us, then you mention how he should want to spank me when I am sassy, he laughed, I guess that is why guys do that!! I let him read the bottom of your post, his comment was "I don't even spank the kids". 

Honestly, He does not really strive to dominate, I guess there is some men like this, I am sure he is a minority. I often wonder what it would be like if he was married to a passive woman, seriously. We DO compliment each others differences though, it does work for us in almost every other aspect of our marraige. 

We have come up with the idea that if He JUST makes more of an effort to 1st SHOW some form of initiation with me --then I feel perfecty fine with taking control after that, cause that would satisfy my longings that he "wanted me" initially. He admits he has become lazy and quite enjoys being seduced by me. 

JustGluit: Could be very true, Chemical or hormonal issues with me. I never once in the last 20 yrs of my marraige cared that He was not more Dominate in the bedroom. Never even thought about it! I have SURELY had some kind of rise in my hormones. 

You said " The way you feel may be a result of things that YOU'VE been saying to YOURSELF "... I definetly agree with this statement. I have gotten into a BAD habit of questioning his desire for me -all because of this dreaded initiating thing. I find myself reverting back to this 'emotional roller coaster" IF I start thinking about it, like a snow ball rolling down a hill getting bigger & bigger. I need to change my "Mindset", cause it truly is ME who is causing this now & then "turmoil" in our relationship. He tells me that is the ONLY thing he wants to see change in our sex life-that drags HIM DOWN, he assures me he does not see me as Needy or a Burden or anything like that, that is just MY thinking, so my "thinking" must change.

Thank you all for your help & advice.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Big Bad Wolf:
> 
> This is very funny, you mentioned this spanking thing that men do, me & Him have talked about that a few times, we see it in porn, we have never understood WHY people do that, it just seems very strange to both of us, then you mention how he should want to spank me when I am sassy, he laughed, I guess that is why guys do that!! I let him read the bottom of your post, his comment was "I don't even spank the kids".
> 
> ...


For a man to spank a woman is not the same as spanking children, and if you have never been aggressively spanked on the bare bottom by your husband, even in play but better for the actual structure of a response by him to your actions, it is for most women both the emotional release that her man cares enough for her to "fight", even her own self, to take care of the problem, and a sexual stimulation sometimes VERY powerful and VERY deep that the woman sometimes does not understand or is embarrassed to reveal.

It cannot be stated enough, if a man does not dominate a woman she WILL feel insecure thinking her man is not attracted to her. Good men and woman please read this as many times as needed to sink in!!!

A perversion of this is when you hear a woman is sexaully attracted to the man that is rough or even smacks her. This is dangerous and not the healthy way to show dominance, but is often the sad fact. Again remember this is a perversion, for it is the last resort of a weak man to try to masquarade as dominant, as he is not truly in control of himself or his responsibilities to his woman.

And that is the root of what I speak of as a dominant man, it is not acting "mean" or anything resembling a caricature, but a man that is serious to his RESPONSIBILITIES as a man. And a man is RESPONSIBLE to fight for his woman, even if it as you say, fighting himself to overcome timidness or laziness or whatever the problem is making him seem more like a boy than a man, which a boy is not sexually attractive to a woman but a dominant man is irresistible.

I wish you well.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Sven:
> 
> This sounds very like my husband!! Always about "respect" not pushing the limits. I think sometimes us women NEED that.


I'm learning. It's a shame that sex is such a 'hidden' subject in our culture. It would have been helpful to learn about things like this BEFORE I got married.




SimplyAmorous said:


> I just took the time to read your story. Heartbreaking, I do hope you & your wife can work these things out. I did not see any real strong emphasis on your not taking control in the bedroom in all of your story, just a few mentions. I did see where you said that -even if she never wanted sex, you would still stay married & faithful to the end. Maybe just hearing this & not feeling you was craving her made her feel unwanted somehow - made it easier to fall into an affrair?? It seemed alot more than that, more so the WOW thing taking up your time. I don't know.


You make an excellent point. One thing the other guy did want talk nasty to her and get aggressive with her during sex - something I have *never* done. She has mentioned to me that she likes some raunchy talk and text messages - but that is just not in my character. I'm going to have her give me some examples. I'm not sure if I"m willing to cross that line yet, but might do it if it makes her happy.




SimplyAmorous said:


> You sound very committed to your Beliefs, to the point of staying miserable to uphold them. Not so sure that is the best way to live.


Wow, right in the heart. Basically I want to go to Heaven. And I didn't write the rules, I just try to follow them. However, my wife's affair has given me the option of divorce (it hurts so much to admit that) and I intend to use it if she has not cleaned up her act. But she needs time.



SimplyAmorous said:


> I hope your children will not look upon marraige as something that has to be "endured", I have seen many older teens, young 20's say they will never marry because their parents waited until they left home for that divorce to "spare them" and now they are completely turned against marraige.


That seems to be the concern of a lot of people, but I don't feel that is the case in my family at all. My kids see us both working at the marriage. They need to understand that marriage is WORK and not to be abandoned when it gets tough.

With my wife on meds, there is no yelling and screaming in the house. That helps. I want her to be able to do that without pills though. It might be too much to ask.

She still is not attractive to me and even if I were to have sex with her now, she is not physically able to do it. But she's losing a bit of weight and working on herself. We'll see where it goes.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

This is a very interesting and timely topic for my marriage. My wife and I are certainly in a transition stage in our relationship. After a very long dry spell of over 11 years, our sex life is finally getting back on track. 

My wife is very controlling by nature, she has OCD. She gives directions for a lot of things. Because of this, I have taken more of the submissive or at most equal role in the relationship. After reading through a lot threads here and reflecting on our relationship and its trends, I attribute a lot of the lack of sexual activity to me taking this more submissive role. The whole time I thought I was being loving and supportive, I was really building resentment, lack of mutual respect and enabling her. 

I started turning the table earlier this year when I told her I had enough. Both my wife and I have changed and learned a lot in the last year. However, I think I need to somehow completely reverse the roles as we are not there yet. She is still very much in control of things inside and outside of the bedroom. The difficult thing is that she is verbally telling me that this is what she needs but I am realizing what she desires may be completely different. Here are some clues:

1) The only time when things improve or grow in our relationship is when I get pushed to the end of my rope and I demand change. Each time it has always worked out for the better after the initial emotions settle.

2) I am getting some more insight into her inner being. She is a huge Twilight fan/addict. She is totally into Edward’s character. Edward is very controlling, assertive, possessive and protective. However, she describes me as more like Jacob; easy going, happy go lucky, simple, carefree. I have run across her sharing with her friends saying: 

“What team are you: Definitely Edward, but I love Jake too- I married a Jake.”

“Jake also treats Bella more like his equal, while Edward sees her as something to be guarded and protected. My husband has never been protective of me a day in his life.”

“I am the first to admit that I am no china doll, but once in a while I would like to feel protected. That is one thing I LOVE and find extremely sexy about Edward- his fierce protectiveness of her. He makes her feel safe. I have no idea what that feels like. My husband is an excellent provider, but he doesn’t make me feel safe.”

“Jake wants to tell Bella what is going on, while Edward wants to shield her from it. My Husband would do that. But if I had a bunch of vamps after me, I think I like Edward’s approach. I’d be like “You take care of things, Sweetie. Wake me when you kill them all.” But Jake is like “ Bella let’s go riding motorcycles without helmet in the mud- that would be awesome!” So my husband. That is why he requires strict supervision with the boys. He is adventurous with almost NO common sense. Bad combo.”

“I also like Edward slight possessive streak. It is kinda hot. Jake doesn’t really do that, probably because they were never a couple. And my husband doesn’t have a jealous or possessive bone in his body.. Seriously, it is like missing from his DNA. He is totally secure and thinks nothing of me “flirting” with others. You know me- I can be friendly with both guys and girls, but it can be taken the wrong way even though I mean NOTHING by it (and I got a lot of flack about that in high school from beeotches.) My husband gets that, so it is very cool that he knows me well enough not to worry. But once in a while a little Eddie “Mine” business would be very hot.”

3) I have been doing a lot of reading here and on the web about what women desire in men and I am starting to believe that this whole dominance thing is deeply wired into our evolution. I mean one of the top rated fantasies by women is being rapped, or at least the thought of consensual “non- consensual” sex.

So now the predicament. How do you turn the tides of 15 years of behavior? What approach do I take to switch roles?

Suggestions…


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

hubby said:


> This is a very interesting and timely topic for my marriage. My wife and I are certainly in a transition stage in our relationship. After a very long dry spell of over 11 years, our sex life is finally getting back on track.
> 
> My wife is very controlling by nature, she has OCD. She gives directions for a lot of things. Because of this, I have taken more of the submissive or at most equal role in the relationship. After reading through a lot threads here and reflecting on our relationship and its trends, I attribute a lot of the lack of sexual activity to me taking this more submissive role. The whole time I thought I was being loving and supportive, I was really building resentment, lack of mutual respect and enabling her.
> 
> ...


It is good that you have seen firsthand the actions of whether you are being a "nice guy" and building resentment and no sex, and saying "enough is enough" and seeing the glimpse of the true potential of your marriage!!! Regardless of how you feel right now take heart, know many men go their whole married lives to never get this one important piece of the truth!!!

Here's some things to think about.

1. A woman will find the domant man irrestible, and will resent a weak man. This is nothing about logic or reason or even a conscious decision, it is the deep primal emotional language of sexual attraction.

2. If a man and woman are emotionally connected then the woman will want the man to be very jealous of her. Again there is nothing about the dominant man that should be the caricature of a caveman or a pathological man or anything else untrue, but simply, calmly, and matter-of-factly present always your true feelings, that you are the proud man of your wife and you are very protective of her. 

3. I hear you saying the raped fantasy, but there are some points that I will make due to my strong feelings on how society treats rape. I do not ever refer to rape as a fantasy and I encourage all good men and women to not do it as well. Instead I would encourage to say "ravishment fantasy", or "dominated fantasy" or anything else. It is disrespectful to the many many women who have truly been raped and know rape by definition is not consensual, but the fantasy by definition will always involve a man of the woman's choosing and consent, is therefore not rape.

With that said yes most women will admit to a strong desire to be ravished by a dominant man. This is very true.

4. To wonder how to turn 15 years of behavior around. Know it is simply to be honest and do what you deep down are wanting to do, and it is your wife's cues that she wants you to do as well. I will recommend simple that a man is to spank his woman on her bare behind to start if nothing else is clear, that is a good and safe and fun way to explore sexual dominance. 

It is sometimes amazing how quickly, even in a matter of minutes, it is to destroy these emotional barriers and marriage will be much better than you maybe ever imagined!

Good luck!


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks for the encouragement. Guess now it is just time for me to go for it. Think my plan that I mentioned in another thread is to just wait until she is in our room, taking it easy, reading one of her stories. Jump in the room and go down town. Tell her not to say a word and just relax while I enjoy her.

She is so used to initiating... she literally initiates 100% of the time. She says that is the way she wants it so that she can mentally work herself up and she does not feel pressure to say yes if I ask her. On the other hand, if I were to initial 100% of the time, I would have no idea if my wife really desired me. So I can see me just taking charge working in this scenario and be a step to other things. It will surprise her, no doubt.


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## Star (Dec 6, 2009)

I don't think that women always want a man to be dominant all the time in the relationship but when it comes to sex I think that women prefer the man to "take control" not sure why this is really even I find that I like it when he takes the lead in the bedroom but then again there are times when it's me being the assertive one while he takes the passenger seat.


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## Star (Dec 6, 2009)

hubby said:


> Thanks for the encouragement. Guess now it is just time for me to go for it. Think my plan that I mentioned in another thread is to just wait until she is in our room, taking it easy, reading one of her stories. Jump in the room and go down town. Tell her not to say a word and just relax while I enjoy her.
> 
> She is so used to initiating... she literally initiates 100% of the time. She says that is the way she wants it so that she can mentally work herself up and she does not feel pressure to say yes if I ask her. On the other hand, if I were to initial 100% of the time, I would have no idea if my wife really desired me. So I can see me just taking charge working in this scenario and be a step to other things. It will surprise her, no doubt.


"Think my plan that I mentioned in another thread is to just wait until she is in our room, taking it easy, reading one of her stories. Jump in the room and go down town. Tell her not to say a word and just relax while I enjoy her."

She is crazy if she turns you away after this she needs to let her inhibitions go and loose herself in what your are doing.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

hubby said:


> Thanks for the encouragement. Guess now it is just time for me to go for it. Think my plan that I mentioned in another thread is to just wait until she is in our room, taking it easy, reading one of her stories. Jump in the room and go down town. Tell her not to say a word and just relax while I enjoy her.
> 
> She is so used to initiating... she literally initiates 100% of the time. She says that is the way she wants it so that she can mentally work herself up and she does not feel pressure to say yes if I ask her. On the other hand, if I were to initial 100% of the time, I would have no idea if my wife really desired me. So I can see me just taking charge working in this scenario and be a step to other things. It will surprise her, no doubt.


This is very much the dominant man, taking ownership of the relationship!

Also it will maybe surprise you but you will see when you are the dominant man it is going to be very obvious when your wife is desiring you, your time even outside the bedroom will be flirtatious, and it is this sexual attraction that will allow her the security to unleash herself and you may be amazed, so do not always think it is one sided only by any means. 

In fact it is usually quite the opposite, the emotional connection will be fierce and you may be surprised to find even neglecting day to day activities for awhile as if you both have discovered each other for the first time! 

I will say, for if this is new to you and your wife, to understand that concept of the "safeword", saying something besides just "no" or something common, instead a word that is not common but is only used to at any time to bring the situation to a complete stop. Most couples can use the simple "red" for stop and "yellow" for slow down, but even to pick a silly word or similar and to know to ALWAYS respect the "safeword". 

So that is why I say usually to introduce spanking and then the "safeword" can be introduced as well, so as not to limit or reveal other areas of sexual exploration you may have in mind with anxiety, and not needing to worry whether boundries are crossed if such a respectful structure is in place. 

And to speak to experience similar to what you are perhaps suggesting, yes to grab a woman by her hair, undressing her deliberately and not timidly, even wrestling her to position and holding her in position to experience oral to clitoris stimulation, and her orgasm may be much faster and fiercer than ever with much screaming and physical movement, even after just a minute or two, as she, maybe for the first time can truly how it was mentioned to "let herself go"!!! 

And then seeing in her eyes she is looking at you if almost in awe, and from this she is feeling as if she would do anything to give you pleasure or anything at all you would suggest or desire, so strong it is literally aching inside of her. 

Such is the sexual attraction of a woman to the dominant man!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Big Bad Wolf: 

Not sure if it is just me but I keep getting the feeling you judge rather harshly any man who is not taking a firm dominate role in his marriage or courtship. Even in other threads, I have noticed just about every post without fail states "A WOMAN WILL RESENT A WEAK MAN and eventually find him UN-ATTRACTIVE". Period, the end. Reality for every relationship, black & white statement. 

As I might agree with you about women being drawn to those Bad boy types initiually-even in our fantasies, the aggressive cool type who might not even pay them too much mind. I had this when I was young also, I had opportunities to choose these kinds of men but I passed & CHOOSE my husband knowing he was NOT like these men you describe. I do not regret this today. 

Maybe your point is these kinds of men have MORE advantages ...the "nice guys finish last" theory in the game of love (Although if they have the looks & body, I would argue that one also). But so many of these Dominent men also screw things up relentlessly , so even they have a hard time finding the "BALANCE" needed with their women. Are they always better off, do they always win --even if these women find them MORE ATTRACTIVE ? it only gives them better odds, but not a home run in the game of keeping a woman happy & fullfilled. 

The other side of Dominance mixed with some dysfunction has not really been brought up (but I am sure many women here have such stories to tell). It seems it is always about putting down the man who does not take ALL control over his woman. 

Now maybe in your case, as the Alpha Dominate male you describe yourself to be, you have learned how to carry your dominance in a HEALTHY BALANCE that works tremendously well for you & your wife--and I believe you. And your advice is great for many! But chances are she is somewhat passive & has a different temperment than you -so it works. And this makes sense. 

I Just want to challenge your thinking a little on this broad brush you paint on men who are like my husband -- and women like myself. Maybe we ARE a rarity, I don't know. I speak the truth when I say I have been with this man for 28 yrs now, and I still find him Attractive - despite his struggle in the dominance department, I still desire him and I do not Resent him. It works for us the majority of the time, probably because of our temperment differences also. 

I know I originally started this thread and I am still interested in him coming MORE in the dominant direction, but at the same time, I need to be able to accept him AS HE IS, wherever he is -with love & understanding.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

One thing that is getting to me even as I do not ascribe to the theory is the spelling of the words. And I hate being a grammar nazi.

The word is "dominant", as in dominant male.

Someone can be a "dominating" man if he "dominates" others.

No man can be "dominate enough" but a man can be "dominating."


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Big Bad Wolf:
> 
> Not sure if it is just me but I keep getting the feeling you judge rather harshly any man who is not taking a firm dominate role in his marriage or courtship. Even in other threads, I have noticed just about every post without fail states "A WOMAN WILL RESENT A WEAK MAN and eventually find him UN-ATTRACTIVE". Period, the end. Reality for every relationship, black & white statement.
> 
> ...



I will try to answer your questions although in reading the first few posts of this thread again I am not understanding exactly what is mysterious about this.

It is nothing but the truth, and not to be harshly judging, to a man that is behaving contrary to his nature and wondering why his woman is not sexually attracted to him. I do not know these men on this board, but I only to read in a few seconds or a few minutes a scenario as presented by them and share my opinion.

Know that there are many of these scenarios I stay away from, even though I would have much to say, because I do not judge every man in that way if their scenario is, not sure how to say without offending, but that it is not clear that they are of the mettle or state of mind to hear what I would say to them without it doing more harm than good. 

Some men are just not presenting themself as with the mettle to be dominant, so to those threads I will leave my comments to myself.

Also know that what I often say, the dominant man is irresistible to a woman, and a woman will resent a weak man, is the structure of primal sexual attraction.  Sexual attraction, as to someone is maybe just one component to a much more complex relationship, or maybe to another person is the prime component that is most important. It is up to the individuals to determine for themself what is their importance.

Unfortunately there is much clouding this issue, of what is sexual attraction, what is love, what is just some things about this person I like or I can work with to be happy and successful in life. 

Please understand when I am speaking of how a woman and man relate in terms of dominance I am speaking of sexual attraction, because that is what I am passionate about, what I am successful with, and what I see is a glaring misunderstanding all too often and for very wrong reasons.

So I hear what you are saying, yes other things such as life goals, personalities, humor, even shortcomings and faults, and the million other little things that add up for a person, that is what we see in our mind when we think of them, and love them, and want to spend our lives with them.

Only know for yourself, if you are interested, and for the many others that will come by and read these discussions and yet never comment on them, that these things I speak of about sexual attraction are everpresent structures that we live and breathe and so often do not even notice except when they are missing or needing repair.

How important is sexual attraction in marriage? Answer this a certain way that it means little to you, and then you may decide it is not necessary to read anything I say ever again, unless you want a good laugh!

But answer another way that it means something important, and you may see that sometimes the bitter pills are hardest to swallow. That maybe we, as humans, and as men and women are not as smart as we think we are. We are not as in control of ourselves as we think we are, and we are not as happy as we think we are.

This is sometimes hard to realize, and when it does it is like seeing for the first time how cruel and how wonderful is the sage advice "Know Thyself".


And please know I am not thinking of myself as any Alpha or any other term, only I prefer to use "dominant" because of the sharp emotional impact and accuracy of the word demonstrating the comprehensiveness of what I say when I say a dominant man, or a dominated woman. 

If you were to know me, you would not see a loudmouth or someone called extrovert or bossy or some other caricature you may have in your mind. Most of my friends say I am maybe too quiet, that my silence is sometimes unnerving, and when I speak it is usually never wasting words or even ever needing to be loud or to repeat myself several times. I am very genuine and honest and I am referred to by the women I know and even work with as a perfect gentleman, even though they have sometimes seen me to act very aggresive to contractors and vendors in my professional career when the situation is necessary.

And this "bad boy", I do not apply that term to myself in any form, although there is much about me and my past that perhaps someone would think of as bad. Growing up yes I was in many fistfights and as a teenager was a keen study of methods of fighting and weight training, so yes most to look at me it is clear to see I have spent much time in strength training and most men would joke as to not want to see the bad side of me.  That is nothing to do with being a "bad boy" though, as a good man being in control of his physical health should be perfectly acceptable.

Also I have been married for over 20 years to the same woman, and I have never cheated on her or so much as kissed another woman. 

So understand this "bad boy" is again not the whole of the dominant man as the "bad boy" is more often than not trying to hide some weakness under the guise of toughness. The good man that is a dominant man is not to be disrespectful, instead he is to cherish and protect what is "his", and that is not the "bad boy" at all. 

Also as to my wife, I doubt there are many women or men in the world to think she is submissive! Never in matters of career or social dealings have I know her to ever to back from a confrontation, and in matters of organization and direction she is very much naturally a leader. She runs our household, is shrewd with money, is a fiercely protective and loving mother and wife.

But know that she, when her guard is down and in our private and personal places, and also not without much emotional trust and strength on her part, has completely surrendered herself and her body to me. 

This allows her, as a woman to be secure, confident, feminine, and know she is always loved.

So I hear you when you say, you are attracted to your husband. That is well and good, but in matters of sexual attraction, if the structure is not there, or if it there but is not, how you have said, "in balance", then yes there is resentment. 

And this resentment is not always to be put in proper perspective. Do you not feel as attractive as you should feel? Do you not feel as secure as you should feel? Do you not feel as sexy as you should feel? 

Even though those thoughts may be projected to yourself and also with insecurity, it is not a short time that you will perhaps build a wall between you and your husband to numb you from this pain, even a subtle wall that you may not even notice but it is there.

And how long before your husband notices this wall, or these feelings?

Or worse, what if he doesn't notice? How will that manifest itself as resent on top of resentment?

These things are good to talk about, I hope this is positive and continuing your thread in the direction that is beneficial.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thank you Star, 

I think me & you are very similar & our husbands are strikingly similar. But we love 'em & they are great guys, I think they are both "Re-active Lovers" which is not that bad of a thing. I read this book months ago written by a Sex therapist , go there: Amazon.com: When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life (9781569242711): Sandra Pertot: Books It explains about 10 different Sex drive types, I realized after reading, I would classify myself as a "Dependent- Erotic" lover , where as my husband would be a "Reactive -Sensual" lover. I think me & you dream of an "Erotic" like ourselves. 

Big Bad Wolf: 

I just wanted to say, I posted this same question on a different sex board somewhere in a slightly different way (but same issue) and it is funny cause my most enthusiastic replier felt it was ALL ME that was the problem, my attitude, my wanting something different from my husband while he was perfectly happy with our sexual relationship, whereas you seemd to feel I am perfectly normal and it is ALL HIM who needs to change & gain this Dominance role as a normal man to bring us to where we need to be. 

I strongly believe you are BOTH RIGHT in this, it has opened up my eyes to how we BOTh need to work on some things. It has been a PLEASURE to hear from everyone who has contributed to my threads. 

If I take no responsibility for myself in this, and strictly see HIM as the one in the wrong, I just dont feel it would help US as a whole. I need to accept him where he is right now. To give him credit, He has become WAY more affectionate in the last year, even the sex has increased, he also probably does initiate more than I give him credit for, it is just that I reach for the Hot spot quicker than him so therefore I have felt it is always me. He really doesn't agree with that. Maybe I have created a silent scoring card in my head. I tend to be very critical & open about it with him (Poor man) so I definetly have faults that need fixing as well. 

So we have agreed the next time I start getting emotional & pissy, he will take matters into his own hands and "Spank Me" cause I am being a bad girl. Hey, it's a start! We've never done this and it seems appropriate under these silly circumstances we sometimes start arguing over.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I can only offer my own experience... I was in the army for nearly 12 years and my husband was only the second man I was with that wasn't also a soldier. 

I'm not saying that all soldiers are aggressive alpha males... but to be honest that was the type of bloke that I was always attracted to... and to be honest it always seemed to work out for me..

Hubbie was a big change for me... we met in strange circumstance and I was initially put off by his kind of introverted very polite manner..

It was really strange for me when we first had sex and to be honest it wasn't great... 

I didn't hide the fact that I hadn't enjoyed the sex, which is a big thing for me.. and I was honest with him that I felt I couldn't continue the relationship unless it got a lot better...

I wouldn't class myself as submissive in bed ... I like to challenge and provoke men... and try and get them to give it all when we're ****ing...

Anywho I got very (dangerously) clost to ending it... untill I saw him at work one day... taking charge controlling a large shop floor operation and at times coming close to getting angry...

So I flat out asked him why he didn't **** me with the same sense of purpose that he had at work... 

I remember him telling me that he didn't like to refer to sex as '****ing' which kind of pissed me... 

Anywho I started to get a lot less cooperative...
I wouldn't strip off when we were having sex , I'd make him do it, instead of just kind of merging into a position I'd ... not go passive but just move myself into unaccomodating postions... untill he'd actually have to take physical control of me... I'd also wriggle away a little and generally just make him get more physically involved...

Also I'd always dress for sex... whether just to change my undies or put on some lingerie... I made clear that this was something I was wearing for sex because after we'd ****ed I'd typically change out of it (if I was still in it)

Once he started to actually **** me properly I gave in as well... For starters I stopped refering to sex as ****ing... I also got rid of certain articles of clothing that he was uncomfortable with... but I made him take charge and actually say 'I don't want you wearing that'...

After a while we kind of found our groove... it took a while before he'd actually initiate sex... with a sense that it was something he was entitled to ask for from me...

He had his own preferences and I had mine... and we'd kind of break our sex life into different sessions. ... sex for me... sex for him... making love.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sarah.rslp: 

My husband also does not use or like the word "f******". He does not look at being intimate with me in those terms- at all. We've even discussed it. And your husband as well. I think that just makes them more loving, romantic somehow, I am not crazy about such words in the bedroom either. 

Good thing you seen him at work that day -what an eye opener for you! 

Good ideas. Thank you.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Interesting about the work thing. My title at work is literally "controller". I have a decent sized team that supports me and I have to exercise a lot of "control" over the entire organization. My wife teases me from time to time... "ooh, tell me how you control people at work" or "I like a man in control." However, she says it very tongue-in-cheek and it is a complete contrast to our roles at home. I am trying to reverse the roles but she is definitely being resistant.

Also, you bring up the idea of being "f**cked". I would love to take the level of dirty talk up a notch. We drop the "f" bomb quite a bit in our daily conversation but we have not heated it up to that way in the bedroom. It has been getting more intense lately and I have said things to her after we had sex like "how do you feel now after I just f**cked you so hard" and she will play and dish it back to me. One time I was being transported to a different place when she was giving me a BJ and I said "God that feels so good, don't stop you b*tch." Oooh, that did not go over very well.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have heard other men say they WISH their wives would say "F*** Me" just once in the bedroom though, seems to be a hot desire of some men. I personally am more open to talk like that or hearing things like that, but that is something I know I will never get out of my husband. But this works for me as I would personally prefer the more sensual expressions. 

He is getting better though! 

He surprised me when I was on top the other morning, our 2nd session in less than 9 hours & I think he initiated this one too - he says out of the blue "I want so bad to lick you right now" . Now that was a sweeeet break in the quietness, sure made my day! We never made it to the licking but it sure was nice to hear what he wanted! That "desirous feeling" washed all over me, it was Hot, it was sexy, it was beautiful.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

well using words like **** usually get my husbands back up ... and to be honest once he became dominant enough to enforce it that was the end of it... same with things like not wearing knickers or revealing clothes... 

It's funny it was one of the unexpected side effects of encouraging him to take control...


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

Star said:


> I personally love it when my man talks "dirty" as it were, he does not do it anywhere often enough for me, but when it comes to me well that's another story! I go at it full throttle as I know it turn him on (and me too) it's just something that I tend to do naturally it's not forced it just comes out i'm not really thinking about it


You need to be certain that your partner is up for it... to be honest I mainly used swearing during sex as a means of testing and provoking him... it took me a while to realise he didn't like it and at that point I was wondering when he'd get around to putting his foot down...

To be honest I think ****ing does work as a useful term and describes a 'certain' type of sex pretty well... which is the function of language...


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## Poliarci (Jan 7, 2010)

First, just curious if your hubby has issues that may have set him up to be bashful? Second, I recall some sex therapist, probably Dr Ruth, who said that if the senses are OK with sex then there is hope for improvement, but if it is 'dirty' and repulsive as say the worst food imaginable then little to no hope for improvements. Which reminds me of the non-sexual massage technique. Each partner gives other massage to non-sexual zones for EQUAL amount of time (10-30 min) x times per week, alternating who starts. Keep sexual relations away from designated times. Results are balancing-- the oversexed feels deeper connection with reduced need for sex AND the weaker partner wants and participates more. During massage feedback is important like ouch and oh yea!

Unfortunately my wife's idea of massage lasts two seconds for giving, and I go for hours. What a let down I feel so ripped off when that happens.


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## Poliarci (Jan 7, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Justgluit:
> For instance, last night we had a beautiful romp, but ...he didn't know if he would ever initiate if I stopped [initiating], I just couldnt get that out of my mind. It was devestating to me.
> ...
> But unfortunetly I know I will continue to dwell on this. It seems I have to fact the fact this man does not feel it is necessary to give me that. And It is unfathomable to me.
> ...


Observations:
1) My feelings exactly thanks for getting it out there.
2) Like your spouse my wife has come to question my LOVE for her. I'm beginning to think this is the emotional dynamic playing out in an unbalanced relationship. Namely, lack of connection and lack of communicating THAT emotional connection.
3) As the sexually dominate/passionate and craving more touch than they are comfortable acting out and expressing, we feel like we are putting out actions, emotions and messages, with little feedback to our 'needy' circuits.

I'm thinking my earlier post on non-sexual massages needs an implementation for my marraige. Well, I have a date on Sunday afternoon with her, hmmm. Is there a web test out there for couples on touching and displaying affection? I'm looking...


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## Poliarci (Jan 7, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Thank you Star,
> 
> I think me & you are very similar & our husbands are strikingly similar. But we love 'em & they are great ... So we have agreed the next time I start getting emotional & pissy, he will take matters into his own hands and "Spank Me" cause I am being a bad girl. Hey, it's a start! We've never done this and it seems appropriate under these silly circumstances we sometimes start arguing over.


That's weird as in it strikes a chord with us. I just Love it when she spanks me. She is intense, and I give her feed back harder/too much etc. It's the same intensity I wish she could carry over into initiation, oral (giving and receiving) and massages. Damn I almost feel like one of Harlow's monkeys.... It's like a pink set of buttocks let's me feel her passion. However, she has little trust to let the spanking roles reverse. So, are you ready for more of the same? So, should you make it a mutually reciprocal event. I bet you he has similar trust and/or enjoyment issues, too. :moon::banghead::rofl:


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## Rob2380 (Dec 21, 2009)

What a fascinating thread, with interesting observations on both sides of this issue. The original post struck a chord with me, as my spouse has always had the higher sex drive and thus has tended to be the one initiating sex most of the time. I've always been, as someone said earlier, "happy to go along", but now know that my lack of initiative in the bedroom has been the cause of some of our problems. What's ironic is that I think I'm the more adventurous one in this relationship. I think it's been hard for me to initiate because I never wanted to be seen as putting pressure on her if she wasn't in the mood. I know that's wrong and I have to change it. My wife wants me to be the one to initiate things, but I sometimes wonder if my lack of desire perhaps stems from the fact that our sex life had become too boring and predictable over the years and that I didn't know how to tell her I needed something more. Recently I told her I'd love it if she were more dominate in the bedroom, that it would be exciting for me. There's a big difference between simply initiating vs. being dominate in the bedroom.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Rob2380, so happy that my thread has enlightened you a little to the other side of how a woman may feel, and how non-initiating can cause some sorrow in an otherwise beautiful relationship. It is a little ironic that YOU would be the more adventurous- being the one who is not initiating though. Most would find this odd, just sounds like you have held back in pressing the limits, gotten a little bored, using fear of being rejected over honestly letting her know how you feel & what you want. 

It is funny, people are sooo afraid to talk about sex! I used to be the same, we never said nothing to each other, if he touched me the wrong way, if it hurt, I just kept quiet, he never asked, now I see how CRAZY this was, it is SOOOO much better now -being open & free to tell each other what we want & try new things.  It is still me doing most of the questioning & talking, but at least I am no longer afraid to say "Hey, let's try this, touch me here" etc. 

Time to test the waters I think! Be daring, sit her down, have a heart to heart, be humble in admitting you want MORE but have silently feared how she may react if you introduce some new things in the bedroom, see how she feels about that, if she is open, if that excites her or frightens her, let her know what you REALLY desire-and to initiate more, put it out on the table, you may be pleasantly surprised! 

In our situation, it is definetely ME who has more ideas, not him. He is totally satisfied with "vanilla" sex every day for the rest of his life. Very easy man to please. But he'll try anything (except S&M) so I can not complain. I just ordered him a book about reading a small tidbit a day for ideas to "spice things up" in the bedroom. He hates to read, but IS willing since these are very very short. So that way he can surprise me sometimes! 

Welcome Poliarci: My husband is just a naturally quiet man, He would have been considered SHY in his teen years, possibly bashful I suppose. He does not look at sex as Dirty per say, some things he does, like anal sex, that will never happen -but that is fine with me, and he doesn't care for disrespectful talk in the bedroom, more sensuous loving talk. He could never treat someone he loves disrespectfully, so If I am "into" that kind of dominance, I know I will never see it -as you heard Dr. Ruth explain. 

I don't think he has trust /enjoyment issues, he is very very stable, I know he trusts me. He may have conditioned himself to withhold pleasure so much of his life -when he suffered in silence when I was not that much into sex, but I think he has come out of this. He loves & invites pleasure just like any other man. I would say he is NOT as comfortable as me in expressing when he WANTS something though. He is very self-sacrificing by nature (with kids, me, friends, what he wants, etc), sometimes this drives me mad. I tell him, in bed, you NEED to be somewhat SELFISH, that makes it more exciting! Not sure if he gets this yet, or can allow himself to go there to a nice degree but we are working on it. 

Would be interesting to find a Web test for "Affection" or similar - let us know. I can not say he lacks in 
this area at all, I am TERRIBLY spoiled. If my husband was gone tomorrow , I think I would WITHER from lack of touch, because I am so lavished in this area - everyday.


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## Rob2380 (Dec 21, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It is a little ironic that YOU would be the more adventurous- being the one who is not initiating though. Most would find this odd, just sounds like you have held back in pressing the limits, gotten a little bored, using fear of being rejected over honestly letting her know how you feel & what you want.
> 
> Time to test the waters I think! Be daring, sit her down, have a heart to heart, be humble in admitting you want MORE but have silently feared how she may react if you introduce some new things in the bedroom, see how she feels about that,


Yes, I suppose that is ironic. I have opened up to her about what I desire, but either she was not comfortable going there, or it may be that other issues in our relationship are inhibiting her willingness to go there. That said, she has been willing to try new things at least once, but it's getting her to go there again that's been difficult.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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