# How do you know what the next step is?



## beachdreamer (Aug 4, 2009)

Last Sunday, my husband woke me up and told me that he was packing his bags and leaving. He said that he had met someone else and that he has been with her for 2 YEARS! I suspected something the last 6 months, but not 2 years. I am devastated and our kids are devastated. I don't know what to do next. I feel like I can't even put one foot in front of the other? Please help me.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Try to take a deep breath. It is painful for you and will be for some time. Make sure you can protect yourself as much as possible with regards to finances, etc. Don't assume anything yet. Also, I know it will be hard, but try to let him know that it doesn't bother you at all. He will be expecting, begging, pleading, I love you -- that will push him away further. 

I hate that you are going through this. Probably should seek out a counselor for yourself to assist in this. Come here and vent, rant, and rage against the machine. That is what this place is for.


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## moongoddess (Aug 13, 2009)

OMG! so sorry! I hate to say this but, you have to learn how to live for yourself and your kids now! You wouldn't want to be with him after this anyway. He lied to you for 2 years!! Now is the time you find out how strong you really are!!


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## beachdreamer (Aug 4, 2009)

Thank you so much for your replies. When he left, I told him I did not want him to text, email or call me or the kids for at least 2 weeks because we needed some time to deal with this and try to begin the healing process. He has called, emailed and sent me text messages everyday. Two days after he layed the bomb on us about his girlfriend of two years, he came back to the house, said he was feeling better and wanted to come home. I could barely pick myself up off of the floor. Maybe he's finding the grass isn't greener on the other side, I don't know. However, we do NOT want him back right now. What he did to us was devastating. Why can't he seem to get that. I told him to be prepared to be gone for quite a while before we ever discuss if he will come back home. Do you think he doesn't see or understand what he has done? I don't understand how he couldn't. After being in the affair for two years, I don't think I will ever be able to trust him or any other man again. 
In reality, the kids and I have not been this relaxed with him away in a long time. Whenever he was around, tension always seemed to follow. He told me a couple of weeks before his confession that he was "bored" and he needed to have fun. Everything was always about him and what he wanted. I can now say that I won't go back to that. I am worried about the finances and losing the house and stuff, so I should probably talk to an attorney or something. Sorry for my babble, but it sure does feel better to let some of this stuff out. 
I will definately be watching for more emails from you guys. I think hearing things from other people that have been in similar situations will be really helpful. Thank you!


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## elizabeths (Aug 14, 2009)

Good luck to you. That must be so painful. But I think you are brave and strong to stand up to him and tell him that you and the kids cannot see him right now. Continue to be strong for your sake and for the sake of your kids.


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

Wow, you've barely had enough time for the shock wear off and he wants to come home already and what, wound you some more? Make himself feel better because he has regrets now? Or maybe the affair lost its appeal once it was out in the open? 

No way you can take him back just like that. Tell him "I didn't do this. I didn't make those choices. But I do have to do what's best for the kids right now, and I need time to think. That means you have to stay where you are and give us some time to process this." If he has any hope of salvaging this, he will understand. Is he even remorseful? 

I am so sorry. Best of luck to you.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It is prudent to keep him away. You need time and space to sort things out. 

He will find that the grass isn't greener. 

Don't allow him back unless you are ready and he apologizes, takes responsibility, breaks it totally off with OW, and commits to working on the marriage (counseling). Lay down your boundaries before he comes back. IF you allow him.

I can't imagine how shocking that was for you...to be woken up that way. What a jerk! Selfish.


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## beachdreamer (Aug 4, 2009)

Thanks for your support. It REALLY helps me to hear your responses....I don't feel like I am doing this on my own. It has now been one week since he laid the bomb about being with the OW for 2 Years. I have been really racking my brain trying to figure out what I missed for it to carry on that long. The funny part is, we don't really miss having him around. He was like dead weight, always bringing us down.
No Jessica, I don't think he is remorseful. I think he is just uncomfortable now. I don't know what he expected to happen. One of my fears is that he will just keep seeing her and not miss us either.....I know that sounds like a stupid thing to say, but I want him to hurt......a lot. But, it sounds like he is having a lot of fun - going to football games, hanging out with his friends, etc. while I am here to pick up the pieces of what he shattered in me and in my kids. 
Yes, Corpuswife, it was shocking to be told like he told me. I think it just shows his lack of cosideration for our family. I am not ready to take him back....don't know if I ever will be. But, how do you try to make things normal when obviously a big piece of the pie is missing...do you just "move on" as they say....He told me he wants to meet one evening to talk...what happens with that? I'm not sure what else there is to talk about. He made his choice. Is this another tactic on his part to make himself look and feel better....that he tried to talk with me and I wouldn't listen? I hate these games.


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## beachdreamer (Aug 4, 2009)

If I didn't think I was crazy before last night, I think I am now! I had to call my "husband" about some charges that appeared on the credit card and, of course, the conversation switched to him and where he was staying, etc. During this conversation, he told me that he never said he was with someone else, and he never said that he wanted to leave. I was completely dumbfounded by his remarks. The whole reason he left was because he said he needed to "find himself" and that he had met someone else. If my son had not been there to back me up, I would have thought I was losing my mind. I can't believe that he is denying what he told me. Has anyone else been through something like this?? What an azhole.


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## WhyohWhy (Aug 19, 2009)

AZHOLE .... that's definite! good riddance, except that the kids need a father figure, but not that one for sure.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Is he trying to make you think you're crazy? After, it is you that woke him up and told him to leave right?!!! Of course not. I think it's common when they are confused and scared to blame someone else. It was all YOU YOU YOU. 

At this point, encourage him to look at himself and the role he has played in the breakdown of the marriage. Stop the blame game.

You are doing quite well. Even though, I know you are probably feeling a bunch of different emotions. There are many (most) of us here that have been through a crisis in our marriage(s). You aren't alone.


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