# Mom-Cold vs Man-Cold...We Have No Winner!



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Why? Why is being sick such a freaking contest with some men?

I caught the cold H and a kid had. It was minor for them, yet worse for me. No biggie, usually. But this time? I'm tired, because I was already exhausted (I stay up late for medical stuff for our SN kid; in total, I spend 55-70 hours/week on average doing the SAHM gig, including dr's stuff, school stuff etc.)

Lately I've complained more. I see that a possible root cause is that I feel taken for granted (we are 2 weeks into H setting up IC, a requirement for me and deal-breaker if he doesn't). So I whine. I complain, this time. I get sick 3-4 times per year, max.

He picked up a few extra hours at work this morning, and I asked him to get some groceries (with a list and a request, not a demand). He called me back asking why I can't. I told him I have a fever, it's chilly, and he works up the street from the grocery. And he tried to dodge, say no and not do me a favor.

He laid in bed when he was on the worst, and only bad day, of the cold a few days ago. Why don't I get the same option? I see some new boundaries I need to set.

My ex never admitted he was sick, my dad takes care of himself when sick, both are grateful. My guy friends, for the most part, don't complain. I didn't believe the ManCold existed until I married H. :scratchhead:

TL;DR: Is the ManCold just an excuse for pity and an escape from responsibilities?


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I don't know your H so I can't really answer for him, but when I stay in bed because I'm sick or stay planted in a chair because my back is making me feel like I'm getting electrocuted it's because it really is. I HATE being 2nd guessed and blamed for using it as an excuse to escape from responsibilities.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"Why don't I get the same option?" 

What you might mean maybe is that you feel too guilty to allow yourself to be sick and sit in bed all day and your hubby seems to be 'just fine' with that?

"It was minor for them, yet worse for me"

laugh. That sounds funny you must admit. Sorry your sick though. I bet they felt sick too. Being sick svcks.

Your hubby however - should have got the groceries - and made you a hot cup of tea and made you put on your big poofy slippers in front of the TV. But you guys are in counselling try to give it time and not sweat the "small stuff" too much?

Sounds like you are both very busy and stressed and butting heads. I think you nailed it when you say you feel you are being taken for granted.

If I were you I would take a slug of NyQuil and try and get some sleep - hopefully you will feel better tomorrow. Just tell him you feel crappy and go to bed early. Its OK to rest.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I'd be loaded to the gills with nighttime meds if I didn't have kid duty tonight. he's working late.

It's like pulling teeth. I want him to be thoughtful. I stopped complaining and started journaling, yet I bet he senses that there's resentment still there.

TOTALLY different love languages; we've covered the HN/HN lists and LL before, so it's not as if he doesn't know. I spoke his when he was sick, and I'd like the same in return.

Then again, it's like saying "I want him to want to do nice things for me/want to have sex with me".

I hope I feel differently once I feel well again. lol...I'll just call him and play Cheap trick over the phone until he gets it. Date night is tomorrow, too, so I'm loading up on zinc and vit C now. We haven't canceled that in months.

Edit: he also mentioned last night that he feels like a baseball widower. Good thing it's an afternoon game today.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Maybe he is really that sick, maybe he wanted a little TLC. But your upping the ante by whining more really didn't accomplish anything but make YOU more frustrated. What's the point? 

Maybe he saw through that and now that you've cried wolf he doesn't want to get the groceries. I agree if you have a fever you really don't need to be at the grocery store and the kind thing for him to do is to do this one thing for you.

I think it might be nice to set all of this aside and talk to him. One thing a happily married couple I know does is put each other first. Not to the unhealthy point but they each start the day with the mindset "what can I do to make the other person's day nicer?" and it doesn't take anything away from each other to be the first to make the coffee or to walk the dogs or scrape the windshield on a frosty morning. 

SOMEONE has to make the first move. You can't have a standoff as to who is sicker, who can make the first move, or keep score as to who does more. But you do just have to not do as many things as you can put aside when you're ill. Someone will eventually pick up the slack.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

BadCompany, I forgot to add that he admitted today (when he showed up with the groceries) that he'd "been a slacker" the day he was in bed.

And I feel you on the back thing; mine always shouts "You have a fever" before any other part of me does. 

So he did get the groceries; the complaints that came with it were an added bonus. Kind of like mine here...


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I would have got the groceries too. The only time I whine is when she wants to send me to Costco after work. Our Costco is near the border and its swarming with Canadians all the time, so bad they have police on site to thwart fights over parking spot stealing and other disputes.
I think that a mismatch of the love languages can be a big deal breaker, I'm a big touch and intimacy guy and my wife is a acts of service and gifts woman. We don't jive very well due to this when you look at the built up resentments.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Everyone likes a little pampering when they are sick - and nobody wants to ask for it.

Hows that for a casting with a wide net?

If I get sick my wife (sometimes) mothers me and comes over with a blanket and tucks it in and brings some warm broth or something and hushes the kids. Its actually funny as he11 and we both get a laugh over it because I find it hard to sit and let anyone baby me.

I do the same for her.

Im not trying to make you feel bad - but hopefully you can both get to a point where when one or the other is sick - that you can each get a little bit of joy over those silly little things we do for each other too. But its hard when we are all frantically working at jobs or with the kids and its a mad rush and we wish we werent sick and we feel like we are giving more than the other side... Ugh!

Next time he gets sick, make him some cookies and bring him a blanket and smile and quietly tell him "When I'm sick next time I expect quiet time and foot rubs!"

Edit: he got the groceries! good for him. Take the 'complaints' with a tiny grain off salt.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I did make a huge effort to let him sleep all day when he was sick, and if he volunteered to help out with kids, no problem. It really feels like an entitlement issue, that I can't _possibly_ be sick enough to warrant xyz, ya know? As minor as it sounds, it feels as if he doesn't trust me to tell him the truth. once he 'fessed up to milking the resting the other day, I'm not sure either.

I totally thanked him for groceries today, however, and laid the compliments on strong!


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

When men get sick the world could explode around them, someone needs to be there to take care of them.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Update: I have a cavity which also flared last night, and I knew I needed an antihistamine to help me breathe and sleep without so much pain.

He *offered* do let me sleep in while he got all the kids ready for school and took a couple of them to school. (Note, 2/3 are teens, so it's gratefully not as time-consuming for either of us as it used to be.)

I'm so excited! Groggy still, but excited and happy.


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