# Dating and drama



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Hi all. I have a girlfriend who called me last night with what I consider red flags with the guy she's seeing. I want to give her good advice and lord knows I have my own marriage problems. 

She's recently divorced. Started seeing this guy about 3 weeks ago. He knew she wanted to take things slow. They haven't done more than kiss. However right after their second date, her mom had a stroke and she had to fly to be with her. The guy was understanding but hasn't asked about her mom once since she returned. Then last Friday... They were supposed to go out and her grandfather passed away. She flew out right away to help. He didn't do more than text and say be strong etc etc. 

So she flew home last night and called me because she said he hadn't returned her texts etc and then told her he fell asleep at 8:30 because he was held up all day watching football. (he's an addict of nfl) He wants her to come over tonight to watch a football game. 

So she thinks he's pretty uncaring and selfish and asked my opinion. My marriage is proof that I'm not one to ask... So I told her I'd post here. 

Thoughts?
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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Hey concerened; 

Glad that you wrote in for your friend. RED FLAG BIG TIME!!!!!

Yes, uncaring and selfish to say the least. Sounds like a narcissist.
See what others say, but this is HUGE red flag. Glad her radar is on.

Best of luck to her.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Thanks for your feedback. I just thought it sounded bad. Her mom has a stroke...he doesn't seem to ask about her ... Then her grandfather dies... And he invites her over to watch football... Even though he knows she isn't a football fan and just wanted to talk. 

But.. She says.. He makes a lot of money. I said it doesn't matter!





jorgegene said:


> Hey concerened;
> 
> Glad that you wrote in for your friend. RED FLAG BIG TIME!!!!!
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

The best thing is she found out early enough what he is all about. I would tell her to not put any more of her time or effort into this relationship. He is showing her what he is like. There are so many other men out there~unless she likes what he has shown her so far. Doesn't seem like it if she is already asking advice about his behavior.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

She tells me that he just texted her and asked what she was up to and if she got enough sleep. 

Not one mention of her Grandfather. And he doesn't call.. He only texts. 

I think it's just weird. 






5Creed said:


> The best thing is she found out early enough what he is all about. I would tell her to not put any more of her time or effort into this relationship. He is showing her what he is like. There are so many other men out there~unless she likes what he has shown her so far. Doesn't seem like it if she is already asking advice about his behavior.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> Yes, uncaring and selfish to say the least. Sounds like a narcissist.


:iagree:

And if she stays with him then yes, it's a good thing he has a lot of money because she'll need it for therapy one day. *sigh* 

This guy is very self absorbed and it's only going to get worse, not better. This is the time for his best foot (not football!) to come forward and he doesn't even bother asking how HER MOM is? 

I recently broke up with a guy because he knew for a week that I had to lay off 2 employees. Even told him as recently as that morning that I was doing it that afternoon. When he got home that night he said, "Hey, did you have a good day?". 

As far as him inviting her over for football, well, that might have been his way of providing comfort because maybe football to him takes his mind off his problems. But the not asking about how mom and family is??? Nope. Not good. 

Run fast!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

On the other hand:



> Started seeing this guy about 3 weeks ago.


You gotta understand one very nasty thing. This guy is still figuring out where he stands. So far they have kissed and what he gets after that is a series of situations where he gets blown off for whatever reason. 

I know all you ladies have seen Titanic and expect a guy you've just met a couple of days before saves you while dying in freezing water. In reality things aren't so clear. And:



> He knew she wanted to take things slow.


So, she wants to take it slow, so no sex, but she wants it to go fast when it comes to show support and being there for her. The guy is getting mixed signals.

Don't be so fast in judging a guy who probably isn't even sure if he is wanted or not. Remember that he may even think he still hasn't a real good foothold with her yet.



> he doesn't even bother asking how HER MOM is?


Maybe he just doesn't want to have unhappy moments with her. They are still starting out and he can just screw up a whole date like that. 

I think you girls are taking way many conclusions way too fast.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Wow. Well I just thought the guy could at least ask about her Mom. She had a stroke and brain surgery. I mean... Really? Just cause a guy hasn't slept with her but has gone on at least a dozen dates... Gives him permission to act pretty darn cold? 

I just think .. As a woman.. That really sucks! 



costa200 said:


> On the other hand:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I had the same thoughts as Costa200 as I was reading. Yes, his behavior *could* indicate selfishness, but it could just as easily be that he sees your friend as an adult who's capable of sharing information with him if she wants to. 

He probably isn't the nurturing type, but he's also not going to smother her. To be honest, what I read from the whole situation is that he's more looking for a convenient relationship than a committed one, but it's only been a few weeks and her emergencies might have him thinking she's blowing him off. He might be afraid to ask because he's worried he'll discover that she's not interested. 

In my opinion, she should ask him why he didn't ask and use his answer to figure out if there really are red flags.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Hi all. I have a girlfriend who called me last night with what I consider red flags with the guy she's seeing. I want to give her good advice and lord knows I have my own marriage problems.
> 
> She's recently divorced. Started seeing this guy about 3 weeks ago. He knew she wanted to take things slow. They haven't done more than kiss. However right after their second date, her mom had a stroke and she had to fly to be with her. The guy was understanding but hasn't asked about her mom once since she returned. Then last Friday... They were supposed to go out and her grandfather passed away. She flew out right away to help. He didn't do more than text and say be strong etc etc.
> 
> ...


Some guys (& girls) don't deal with "death & illness" very well. If he is that type (& I've known plenty), he is avoiding the subjects & only 3 weeks into a relationship, he gets a free pass in his mind.

I do agree it is selfish behavior & I like people who are more compassionate in general.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Wow. Well I just thought the guy could at least ask about her Mom. She had a stroke and brain surgery. I mean... Really? Just cause a guy hasn't slept with her but has gone on at least a dozen dates... Gives him permission to act pretty darn cold?
> 
> I just think .. As a woman.. That really sucks!
> 
> ...


Well, we don't know why he didn't ask. I understand the hypersensitivity woman experience over these things. But many men don't even like to talk about such subjects. And please do remember that they are just starting out. He owes her nothing.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

First thing I thought was "Guy probably thinks she's blowing him off."

That being said, not asking about her grandfather or mother is weird too.

So many mixed signals going on there it's hard to sort it out, but it's probably safe to say that after 3 weeks it doesn't look good.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Okay so this guy is getting killed here as being selfish and uncaring etc.

Let's look at a few things.

1. Your friend is recently divorced? Which means she's used to a much more "intimate" response from her "partner" so there's no way a guy she JUST starting seeing is going to measure up to her expectations of a husband (and yes, her expectations are as a married woman not a single woman)
2. Look at it from the guy's perspective. Just starts seeing a woman who is recently divorced, only kissed, 3 weeks, and in that three weeks, she's had to fly out because her mother had a stroke and then again her grandfather died. If I was the guy I'd be saying "RED FLAG RED FLAG" all over the place. For all this guy knows, this woman is blowing him off.

I'm not saying either side is right, but holding a guy to that level of expectations after 3 weeks....that's kind of tough. Keep in mind, we're getting the friends PERCEPTION told 2nd hand, so this guy may or may not have been as "bad" as we think. Or he could just be ditching her and was that cold because that's a WHOLE lot of drama 3 weeks in for a woman you haven't even been intimate with.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She sounds like a whole lot of work. And for what? He's been on a few dates with her. They've kissed. I wouldn't consider them a "couple" by any stretch of the imagination. And the fact that she's complaining about his lack of emotional investment in the drama filled non-relationship is a huge red flag to me.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Chuckling at the responses.

Nope. No difference in how the genders see things at all, is there?

I too, as a 3D (Divorced Dad Dating) would in turn see her circumstances as a bit of a red flag. Given the short time they have been seeing one another, she has just inherited a whole lot of baggage. If I'm looking for light, fun, dating, and I'm not heavily invested in her, then I would respectfully excuse myself and wish her and her family the best. 

Does that make me a bad guy? Not remotely. Selfish? Sure. Still doesn't make me a bad guy. If after 3 weeks I saw this woman as a potential long term partner, then it's a very different dynamic. I would want to contact her and find out how her family is doing and offer my support.

Don't know what's up with your friend, or him. But here is what I do know ... at 3 weeks if she has questions about where he's at, or what he wants , and importantly, isn't getting what SHE wants ... it's time to cut her losses and move on.

This is a dating relationship, not a long term, or even mildly well-founded relationship.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

It's only been 3 weeks and it IS the start of NFL football season and there's lots of early drama especially with free agents such as Manning transferring to the Broncos and Tebow to the Jets.

Give the guy a break.

Superbowl is only 4 months away..

He'll come around.

I hope her luck changes soon


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> . Started seeing this guy about 3 weeks ago....



They've been dating for less than a month.

She's not his wife.
She's not his lover.
She's not even his friend.

He barely knows this woman, and she barely knows him. And yet she's shocked that he's not been apart of her support system? Lots of people are horrible with death, and tragedy, and have no idea what to say even to people who've been in their lives for long periods of time. Does she even know this man well enough to know this, or not?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Exactly. Maybe once she gets her sh!t together she'll be ready to actually start a relationship.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Got to say I agree with the men here. Having unrealistic expectations is the problem here and she needs to let go a bit. 

If she is still interested in getting to know him she can go over and watch the game and take it from there.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

After only 2 actual dates, I think it's fair if she cut the guy some slack. 

I think it's weird that he hasn't asked about her mom, but, again, after only 2 dates, he's probably not sure what he should be saying or doing. He texted her while she was at her grandfather's funeral to be strong...he _*was *_showing her support! Give him credit for that, and don't dismiss that show of support just because he didn't behave exactly as your friend expected later.

Now, she's back and he wants to see her and offers a date/time. Maybe he would show his support when they got together even if he didn't ask her about mom through text.

I don't think he's doing much wrong, here, but even if he were, why not cut him some slack? If she liked him on their dates, then start there again and get together with him. Learn more about each other. Have some fun.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

No.. She's been on 13 dates with him. 

However she texted him today and told him if she was too much drama for him, she totally understood. He said everything was great. 

So she agreed to go to to his house. But she told him she only had 2 hours because she had to pick up her son. 

Unfortunately he said.. That's not enough time to hang out. 




norajane said:


> After only 2 actual dates, I think it's fair if she cut the guy some slack.
> 
> I think it's weird that he hasn't asked about her mom, but, again, after only 2 dates, he's probably not sure what he should be saying or doing. He texted her while she was at her grandfather's funeral to be strong...he _*was *_showing her support! Give him credit for that, and don't dismiss that show of support just because he didn't behave exactly as your friend expected later.
> 
> ...


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> No.. She's been on 13 dates with him.
> 
> However she texted him today and told him if she was too much drama for him, she totally understood. He said everything was great.
> 
> ...


Honestly, with each passing post, your friend just seems to be stepping to the table with more and more drama and baggage.

I'm frankly surprised that this man is even continuing to try and spend more time with her. A lot of men wouldn't.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> No.. She's been on 13 dates with him.
> 
> However she texted him today and told him if she was too much drama for him, she totally understood. He said everything was great.
> 
> ...


That's weird about 2 hours - not enough time. Now that would be a red flag for me. If the guy was really "in to me" he would be happy with 2 hours.....


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

to go on 13 dates in 3 weeks........I thought you said your friend wanted to "take it slow" with this new guy.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Emerald said:


> That's weird about 2 hours - not enough time. Now that would be a red flag for me. If the guy was really "in to me" he would be happy with 2 hours.....


I'm really into my wife. I was really into her long before she was my wife.

2 hours wasn't enough time for me most times. Hell when I hang out with my friends 2 hours isn't enough for me. 

I am the type who would often rather postpone getting together with someone I really want to spend time if it's possible to reschedule for period where we have more time.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jaquen said:


> I'm really into my wife. I was really into her long before she was my wife.
> 
> 2 hours wasn't enough time for me most times. Hell when I hang out with my friends 2 hours isn't enough for me.
> 
> I am the type who would often rather postpone getting together with someone I really want to spend time if it's possible to reschedule for period where we have more time.


Besides, if she is not interested in having sex with the guy, she should not be dropping by his house.

otherwise, she's tease.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I'm really into my wife. I was really into her long before she was my wife.
> 
> 2 hours wasn't enough time for me most times. Hell when I hang out with my friends 2 hours isn't enough for me.
> 
> I am the type who would often rather postpone getting together with someone I really want to spend time if it's possible to reschedule for period where we have more time.


He asked her to hang out - did I miss where he specified how long it had to be?

If your wife who you are so into said she only had 2 hours to hang out with you, you would tell her no?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Emerald said:


> He asked her to hang out - did I miss where he specified how long it had to be?


He did after she told him how much time they would have.



Emerald said:


> If your wife who you are so into said she only had 2 hours to hang out with you, you would tell her no?


Since we're talking about the dating phase, yes that is a possibility.

If we were making plans to spend time, and she told me that she only had two hours it wouldn't be unusual for me to ask if another day is better when we can have a bit more time.

Two hours, for me, is a drop in the bucket. When I really enjoying being with someone, their time is the best gift they can give me. As much time as possible. This isn't limited just to my love, before she was my wife. Whenever possible I am going to try and negotiate a better opportunity with less restrictions on time.

Everyone isn't like this, I know. But because I'm like this I don't agree with the idea that if someone is really into you they'll just accept what you deem to be "enough time". It's pretty freaking flattering that the guy wanted to spend even more time with her.

Also there is of course the possibility that he wanted a whole evening together so they could eventually make love, or fool around. Maybe his plans weren't about hanging around the house and playing monopoly for 2 hours before she had to skip off and get her son.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

She has a son and a high demand job so she has done everything possible to see him, but sometimes she has only 2 hours or an hour and a half after work to meet up. 

So he has mentioned to her.. That he really wants more time from her. Honestly, as her friend, I'm struggling because the guy seems to want to keep meeting... But he just kissed her for the first time on like the 12th time he saw her. And now he wants her to come over. She has never been to his house before. It's all interesting .. And something I just don't understand as a married woman. 



Emerald said:


> He asked her to hang out - did I miss where he specified how long it had to be?
> 
> If your wife who you are so into said she only had 2 hours to hang out with you, you would tell her no?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> She has a son and a high demand job so she has done everything possible to see him, but sometimes she has only 2 hours or an hour and a half after work to meet up.
> 
> So he has mentioned to her.. That he really wants more time from her. Honestly, as her friend, I'm struggling because the guy seems to want to keep meeting... But he just kissed her for the first time on like the 12th time he saw her. And now he wants her to come over. She has never been to his house before. It's all interesting .. And something I just don't understand as a married woman.
> 
> ...


Honestly I think you, a married woman, and her, a woman who is coming out of a marriage, just might not have any idea what the dating world looks like anymore. 

Your friend doesn't even seem to know what she wants. One minute she wants to take it slow, and the next she's confused because he didn't tongue her down sooner. She seems to want his support, despite the fact that they barely know each other. 

I think honestly he has no idea what he's getting himself into. This man clearly seems to want to date her, without any drama or baggage. He's ignoring her woes, and wanting more time than her life obligations allow. He seems to be trying to date a woman with two kids, a demanding job, and ailing and dying family members, as though she's single, free, and devoid of troubles and responsibilities. 

These people aren't on the same accord at all.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Well, you are a good friend. Does he have children? Is he divorced?


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Well, you are a good friend. Does he have children? Is he divorced?


Thank you. I try. He was engaged but never married. He has a 9 year old son from the engagement. He sounds like a great father.
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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Welcome to 21st century dating.

Jacquen pretty much outlined it. Their lifestyles and requirements are incongruent.

She thinks she's bending over backwards to make it work, he doesnt believe she is available enough.

And they are both probably right.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

costa200 said:


> You gotta understand one very nasty thing. This guy is still figuring out where he stands. So far they have kissed and what he gets after that is a series of situations where he gets blown off for whatever reason.


This. From that guy's perspective, he's been put in the friend zone. Your friend obviously doesn't have any romantic feelings for him, so he's keeping his distance. Nobody wants to be "that guy" who gets used as an emotional tampon then tossed aside. He has at least some self respect. He won't act like a boyfriend unless he is a boyfriend. No exceptions.




> So, she wants to take it slow, so no sex, but she wants it to go fast when it comes to show support and being there for her. The guy is getting mixed signals.


It's not a mixed signal: he's 100% friend zoned. 




> I recently broke up with a guy because he knew for a week that I had to lay off 2 employees. Even told him as recently as that morning that I was doing it that afternoon. When he got home that night he said, "Hey, did you have a good day?".


So you dumped him because he didn't act like a drama queen? I see many divorces in your future.




> Well, we don't know why he didn't ask. I understand the hypersensitivity woman experience over these things. But many men don't even like to talk about such subjects. And please do remember that they are just starting out. He owes her nothing.


Probably because bringing up painful subjects just for the sake of hurting someone is called trolling. Surely that's a good way to get out of the friend zone - talk about things that make her emotionally vulnerable then use that vulnerability to get her naked. Actually, that does work. He should try that next time.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Have an update from my girlfriend. She kept seeing this guy and didn't bring any more drama to the table. But everyone he wanted to get together... He would drink pretty heavily. They split a bottle of wine and then he ordered 2 additional glasses for himself. I thought that sounded like a lot... At dinner! 

Anyway all was still going well until he asked her Saturday to meet him and his son at the beach .. With her son. They agreed to just pretend to run into a "friend" from work. But my girlfriends 6 year old was very active... Screaming excitedly at the waves. She said SHE thought it was funny and played with him until he got used to the waves etc. she said her son was having a blast but he was very energetic. Then her "guy" started asking her son if he had been drinking coffee and kind of making fun of him for being so excitable. She said that he barely talked to her while there and she was quite disappointed. And she hasn't heard from him since. So... She is blaming herself. She thinks it was because she didn't look hot enough etc... But I tend to think her "guy" just didn't like her son and that's the end of it. 
She wants to call him... I'm telling her no. Am I wrong?




ShawnD said:


> This. From that guy's perspective, he's been put in the friend zone. Your friend obviously doesn't have any romantic feelings for him, so he's keeping his distance. Nobody wants to be "that guy" who gets used as an emotional tampon then tossed aside. He has at least some self respect. He won't act like a boyfriend unless he is a boyfriend. No exceptions.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Then her "guy" started asking her son if he had been drinking coffee and kind of making fun of him for being so excitable.


Alright so he:
-enjoys alcohol (a sedative)
-makes fun of people who are not sedated

In my mind, I'm picturing a guy who watches TV in his underwear. He keeps a mini fridge next to the couch because it's less work than walking to the regular fridge. He sounds like a winner!


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Right! Well the guy is loaded... Owns some company but yes... She says he lives and breathes by football and wine. 

He doesn't exactly sound like a dreamboat... Regardless of money. I told her that if he was making fun of her 6 year old (albeit with sarcasm) it's just not a good sign!



ShawnD said:


> Alright so he:
> -enjoys alcohol (a sedative)
> -makes fun of people who are not sedated
> 
> In my mind, I'm picturing a guy who watches TV in his underwear. He keeps a mini fridge next to the couch because it's less work than walking to the regular fridge. He sounds like a winner!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

She'll call him even if you tell her not to. Poor kid, though! He's the one who will suffer most if she doesn't cut this guy loose.


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