# How do I turn off the trigger?



## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

Almost a year since PA, 6 months since i found out. She and ex had a great time together near Valentine's Day last year in a Holiday Inn. I'm a driver for my job and pass maybe 10 Holiday Inns each day. Every time I pass one it triggers the thoughts. How do I defeat it? This is just too hard for me, I love my wife and I am trying to forget about it, but my thoughts are just so centric on her and her ex so much because of the triggers. It's effecting my marriage and the way I'm starting to treat my wife. I try to imagine a stop sign, thinking of random stuff, or just counting to 10. It doesnt help, my thoughts somehow migrate to him and her engaged in the most inforgiveable actions. I can't stand to live my life with this much heartache and emotional pain everyday, I need some advice. I have tried to get us in counseling, going on 4 months now with no progress.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I went through something similar.

You have to get control of your thoughts. When they start going down the wrong path think of something else.

Think Holiday Inn = vacation. So when you see one, imagine you and your wife on vacation.. either one you have had or one that you would like to have. over time this will program a new mind image for Holiday Inns.


Plus if she will not go to counseling with you... go my yourself.
It's hard but you can go it.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I know of your pain but I do not have an answer fror you. I was in the military and in Iraq. My wife had alot more than one guy. 
I listened to Dr. Laura on CD. "Stop wineing, Start Living"
Helped me a little.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife had an affair with a bus driver. So for a couple of years, every time I saw a bus, and our town is criss-crossed with frequent bus services, I triggered.

Eventually, it stopped happening.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

My wife met the xOM for the last time at a Holiday Inn Express. Before that it was two hotels literally down the street from each other and also now with my new job, near my office. The HIE is at the exit where my corporate offices are.

Trust me... I totally dig where you're coming from. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to understand those places are only buildings. I'm the one that kept giving them power to trigger me.

I knew I was over those triggers when I took my wife to a Courtyard for a weekend. In a crude way, marking my territory.
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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

It has been almost 15 months for me. I can't see anything Asian without triggering. Restaurants, people, even the word for Christ's sake. Triggers are everywhere and it sucks. That was some of my favorite foods. I too wonder how long it will last. For now, I focus on the feelings and thoughts during my last vacation. It redirects me.
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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Did you do a paternity test on the baby as you had planned? Is the baby biologically yours?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why are you still with her?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> My wife met the xOM for the last time at a Holiday Inn Express. Before that it was two hotels literally down the street from each other and also now with my new job, near my office. The HIE is at the exit where my corporate offices are.
> 
> Trust me... I totally dig where you're coming from. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to understand those places are only buildings. I'm the one that kept giving them power to trigger me.
> 
> ...


At first I thought: "Wow! In a courtyard? Daring!" Then I looked again and thought: "Oh! Not a *c*ourtyard, but a *C*ourtyard, a different kettle of fish, all together!"

But joking to one side, kudos to you, mate! Neat idea!:smthumbup:


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

Yes, the baby is mine. We're...well I am...slowly allowing myself an opportunity to drop my barriers, but man, she did me wrong something fierce. So, even if we fully recon the relationship will never be what it was, and therefore will never be what it should be.
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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Make a counseling appointment and go. Tell her about it and invite her to go along with you.

You could try going into the hotels yourself as a form of desensitization. Like when someone has a fear of spiders they will slowly work the person to getting first in the same building then the same room as a spider, then maybe even holding it in their hand.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wish I had some magic pill, but I don't. My deal is with cheap no name motels, every once in a while a cross one and it triggers.

I found that my montra helps alot. When ever the mind movies start to go off I repeat to my self "I diserve good things". Its the only thing that seems to help force thoughs ugly thoughts out of my head.

Its like my mind is screwing with me so I keep telling my self that I will not let my wifes bull crap define me, thats all on her. I won't let that image of that cheap motel dictate the rest of my day. 

Basicly "phuck off mind, you can't have that kind of control....I diserve better thoughts...I diserve good things"


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I found it helpful to take ownership of situations that triggered me. My fWS had a picnic at a local park with the POSOM, it was a place I liked taking her to. After I found out, I would trigger when we drove by the place, one day I just decided that I wasnt going to let the POSOM keep ownership over a place that I could potentially have a good time at. I took my wife to that park on her birthday, pushed her on a swing set like she was a little kid, enjoyed the outdoors and sunshine, and have not triggered there since.

It comes down to a willingness to acknowledge the fact that something crappy happened at a certain place, and to move beyond that.

I fell off my bike when I was a little kid, tore myself up something fierce, and even though the bike reminded me of the pain, I never stopped riding.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

6 months from DD is still torture. I found the year mark was a huge milestone for me. I got to the stage of acceptance of my situation and what had happened. I just wanted to move on from the pain by then.


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