# On the path to Reconciliation and along came a speed bump!



## nun600 (Aug 22, 2011)

My wife and I have been together for 11 years and married for 6. She is 34 and I just turned 40. We truly love each other, are very affectionate, and there has never been infidelity. Over the past year things have unfortunately worsened in our relationship. She lost her job and was out of work for 2 years which added to the stress. Also, we had her sister move in with us for a while which compounded things. We both were angry with each other and I was guilty of making her feel worthless along with choosing my family over her in certain situations. On a number of occasions she asked me to go to marriage therapy and as a typical guy my response was we don't need that, we can fix this ourselves. Well, she told me that she wanted to separate for a while because she lost her identity when she was out of a job for 2 years, she felt that she needed to be on her own for a while since she felt she relied on me and was too dependant on me. Also, even though we were affectionate to each other there were too many wounds that I caused by continually telling her to move out since she was not contributing, a little of verbal abuse, and leaving her alone too often at times. You know what they say, be careful what you wish for. This is not all one sided as there were things that she contributed to my actions. For instance, telling her sister she can move in with us while both of them did not have a job, becoming a gym rat, going out with the girls too frequently while not having a job and coming home late. She moved out this past December and we gave therapy a try but it was not working. We still tried to stay in touch but she had too much resentment from the things I have said to her in the past and forcing her to tell her sister to move back in with her parents. Her sister was going trough some depression and when she moved back in with her parents she took a bunch of pills. She feels that if her sister was with us she could of prevented that. Her sister is OK now and alive. Since this June we have been communicating more often, seeing each other every weekend, and she is now sleeping over on the weekends as well. We have talked about her moving back once her lease is up this December and even talking about having kids. We have been going to church and we are deeply in love with each other but for some reason I felt that there might have been another guy during the separation. I could not leave it alone and kept asking her if she dated or slept with another guy while we were separated. She continually said no, then she said she just kissed someone. Since going to church I have noticed that she wanted to get some things out. This past weekend she finally told me that she slept and had sex with another man. I knew deep down that she might of and I really wanted to know. The thing is when we first separated I was really angry at her for leaving me and I was hoping to find out if there was another man so it would be easier for me to file for divorce, to give me a real reason. I just don't know what to do now because I still view this as cheating even though it was during our separation when we were not really speaking or communicating. I told her that she cannot continue to have any contact with this guy if we move forward and she said that it was only a couple of times and it really meant nothing, that I have nothing to worry about him and she want to be with me. I have so many questions like how do I get over this or will I ever? Can I trust her? Is it OK or somewhat justifiable that this happened during our separation and should I accept it? I asked her many times if during our separation it meant we can see other people and she stated that was not her intent, which I now doubt. I still want to continue moving forward in our relationship along with all our plans and progress but I am somewhat hesitant now. I am really confused on what to do because if this was a close friend of mine going trough a similar situation I would probably just tell him to get a divorce and leave her because she cheated on you but this is really not an easy choice to make. Any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

My personal opionion is that it's cheating. You two are still married. In the lawbooks I believe this can be used against a person as adultry if the divorce process were to go further. In the end though, this is a decision you need to make; do you want to forgive and forget (hard to do) and move on with the reconcillation process? Will you be able to let it go and never bring it up again, you can't always hold it over her head if you're going to reconcile. If I had found out that my husband was sleeping with someone during our separation and then decided he wanted to get back with me, I don't think I'd be able to move past that as it is infidelity, IMO. 

Just my 2 cents.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

Legally it's cheating. However, you admit there were a lot of things leading up to all of this. I think we can hang our hat on legality but that doesn't mean morally we're not culpable. You know in your heart if you did anything to push this or not. If you're conscience is clean then that should make your decision easy, though.


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## nun600 (Aug 22, 2011)

Thanks all, I have to agree with both of you. This really helps on the progression but I still will have to make a difficult choice.


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