# I can't decide



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Whether to R or not. The indecision is causing me a breakdown, all I do is cry at night. 
I really miss only having my dd half the time now.
Son 21 stayed with dad, so I see next to nothing of him.
I am wracked with guilt that I was the one who left the family home. He cheated for 3 years, then was verbally abusive this spring. I left. 
But now HE is the hero so to speak, for looking after the home since I left. He has gotten very close to our son.

I really wish I could have turfed him out, I feel so bad that I left the house. It's irrational but I can't help feeling that by walking out I am the bad parent.
I know people are sick of my story, sorry.
I just don't know what to do, it's limbo. I want my home back. 
We are in MC. My personal therapist does not want me to return as h had many manipulative traits. But we can get along at times. And neither of us is getting any younger. 
How does a person know what to do? It's been 5 months now.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

You are the only one who can decide!


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

think of him at his worse, is he someone you want to be with? Do the good times make up for the bad times? If your D was married to someone like him, would you want her to stay with him? Do you want your D growing up seeing you be treated like this and thinking it is okay for someone to treat her like this.

Do what your gut is telling you, not your heart


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

indiecat said:


> But now HE is the hero so to speak, for looking after the home since I left. He has gotten very close to our son.


So, he's still being manipulative, yeah?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Yes he is being manipulative. But it's my kids I miss, I really want to go back at least until my dd is done high school. I just NEED to be with her full time.
That said she is afraid the fighting will start again, but I will keep my mouth shut and ride it out for HER. 

Can't believe, that is a good question. Dd has dad pretty well figured out, I am sure she will know what to avoid. 

I don't want to be apart from her in her teen years, so I guess that IS my answer. I''ll insist that h and I stay in MC for as long as it takes to function properly. We have lots of coverage for that through our plan, so that is a bonus.

Tonight I picked up our son from work and drove him to his dads house (the one I paid for) and h and dd were out front with the new puppy and I felt so sad driving away from them all. H has the house, has our son full time and our dd half time. Not fair after HE was the one that cheated and manipulated.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I say if you want to suck it up...and go back...go back with a big ass back bone...own the place...move in...and stay...
if your not going to R...let him leave...claim 'your' house back...once you get back in...and if your really into staying in that house...then 'stay'...can you eventually get him to leave if need be? Did you leave cos you 'had' too? I don't remember your story..

I'll be damned if I would give my house to anyone...especially a cheater...they can get their azz out. Claim the house while you can..claim your kids I say... 
but again..don't remember your story...but can feel your pain with you...x0x0x0


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Yes he is being manipulative. But it's my kids I miss, I really want to go back at least until my dd is done high school. I just NEED to be with her full time.
> That said she is afraid the fighting will start again, but I will keep my mouth shut and ride it out for HER.
> 
> Can't believe, that is a good question. Dd has dad pretty well figured out, I am sure she will know what to avoid.
> ...


I understand your reasons behind it, but I think it's repulsive that you would even consider living in misery.

You deserve to be happy, too.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> I say if you want to suck it up...and go back...go back with a big ass back bone...own the place...move in...and stay...
> if your not going to R...let him leave...claim 'your' house back...once you get back in...and if your really into staying in that house...then 'stay'...can you eventually get him to leave if need be? Did you leave cos you 'had' too? I don't remember your story..
> 
> I'll be damned if I would give my house to anyone...especially a cheater...they can get their azz out. Claim the house while you can..claim your kids I say...


:iagree:


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

HappyKaty has a point...again I don't recall your story...don't do anything that's going to make you be abused or live in misery...I'm just referring to you trying to stake claim over your house and drive his cheating azz out...


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

You will adjust to the shared custody. It will suck at first. You should think long and hard before going back for the kids and just because your D understands her dad and how he is doesn't mean that she won't learn to live with the same crap that you are willing to put up with. You deserve to be happy. The kids will be happier if you are happy. You know that old saying..if mom isn't happy..nobody's happy.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It's so darn hard, he has our dd half time, and our 21 yo son and sons live in gf living there. I feel outcast and cut off. 

I chose to leave after his 3 year PA, which ended 3 years ago,and then he was verbally abusive this spring,which he blames on sedatives. Telling me I will be happy when he is dead, stuff like that. Nothing physical. 

I just am so burned that he did all this stuff to me, and now he acts like he is the 'good dad' in the house, while mom left.
I can't square it in my head.
And now he basically implies to the kids that he has tired everything to make it up to me and I just won't accept it and forgive.

My nerves are beyond shot.........do I go back to have a 'family life', or sit alone part time and go mad thinking of them over at the house enjoying themselves while I sit alone. 

He and our 21 year old son and son's gf are so close now, he lets them stay at the house for cheap room and board, lets son use his car. 

I feel if I don't go back the kids will always remember that mom left and dad held down the fort.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

Do not go back to him just so you can have a "family life" (your words) You will make a new family life, yes it might only be part time (physically) but you will be their mom 100% of the time. And no don't sit at home "going mad" thinking about them. Start living your new improved life. Go meet new people, go take a class, volunteer somewhere, but under no circumstances do you sit at home and wallow in self pity. Some things are unforgivable and if you can't forgive him, then don't lower your standards and force yourself to live with him. You know the truth, it doesn't matter what he tells the kids, they will one day understand exactly what happened. Stay strong, file for divorce if that is what you want. Get the house in the divorce just because you asked for the divorce doesn't mean he gets everything. But you need to decide what it is you want and stick to it. If you go back you will not be happy, you will never trust him again. I know this from experience. You have to love yourself and right now you don't. pm me if you want to and we can talk. I am usually up late at night, so it doesn't matter what time it is. I can pm my number to you if you need to "talk" instead of typing.


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