# My wife is a narcissist



## Stevelee (Aug 8, 2012)

We are really struggling in our marriage. My wife lost her job 6 months ago and since then she had done nothing to find a new one. She has no income but keeps spending excessively. Even though she is at home, she barely does anything around he house so our home is a mess. When I try to discuss this with her, she accuses me of attacking her and he constantly tells me she wants a divorce. We have 3 kids and they witness constant fighting between us. All my wife cares is about her. It's like we are slaves in her play. I would like us to recover this situation but I often think it is hopeless. I am not really sure what to do....


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

How do you know she's an narcissist?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> How do you know she's an narcissist?


This....have you tried counseling? Without a job she may be going through a few things and not expressing things properly???








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stevelee (Aug 8, 2012)

I don't know for sure but I have been trying to find answers for a long time as to why she has such behaviors... One of our kids is only 9 and good in skating and wife has become obsessive about the skating and out kid performance... Like she is going to the Olympics next month.... That's all that counts... Everything is about skating... I suspect she has no intention to find another job and expects me to provide all the money, including her excessive spending habits... When I try to discuss this, she accuses me of attacking her and she always says, if you're not happy, get a divorce...our situation seems pretty hopeless.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Expecting you to fund her excessive spending is one thing actually doing it is up to your discretion if she's not working.

Again though what makes you think she's a narcissist? To me it just sounds like she's emotionally blackmailing you and so far it's working. You've agreed to it.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

If my wife told me she wanted a divorce, no matter the situation or context, I'd calmly tell her to go file and walk away without another word. Then when she inevitably backtracked, I make sure that she understood that if she ever used that as a threat again, I would be the one filing. No one is threatening me with a divorce and getting away with it. That's the worst kind of manipulative behavior.

Why the hell would you want to be with someone who threatens you with divorce? That's so cruel. I have kids. I understand all of the implications of divorce, but I'm not sticking around to be treated like that.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Stevelee said:


> I don't know for sure but I have been trying to find answers for a long time as to why she has such behaviors... One of our kids is only 9 and good in skating and wife has become obsessive about the skating and out kid performance... Like she is going to the Olympics next month.... That's all that counts... Everything is about skating... I suspect she has no intention to find another job and expects me to provide all the money, including her excessive spending habits... When I try to discuss this, she accuses me of attacking her and she always says, if you're not happy, get a divorce...our situation seems pretty hopeless.


It's not hopeless. You're not a puppet on a string, you're a grown man with a mind of his own that has control of what will and will not happen with the money since you earn it.

My suggestion is for you to man up. Put your foot down with her and tell her how it's going to be. And if she says she wants a divorce behind you telling her off, then I'd tell her to go right ahead and file and that you're not stopping her. Nobody is making her stay there with you. She's grown too. She don't like it then she's free to go her merry way.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

divorce her she a bad apple!


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## Stevelee (Aug 8, 2012)

I have consulted a psychologist because this situation brings me a lot of stress and he as well as my friend have advised me strongly to get out of this relationship fast as she is toxic... Yesterday my son told me he thinks his mm is evil as she bosses him around when I am not there to get back at me as he often stands up to her when she yells and streams or loses her temper which is often... For whatever reason, I can't seem to give up on this relationship... My wife parents and brother are all divorced so it's easy for her to always say I want a divorce instead of trying to work things out but on y side I prefer to try to fix things but now I am not sure it is worth it especially that for a few yeas now, she has no love or affection for me so our relationship is more functional than anything else, iemtaking care of the kids... And with all the fighting, I don't think we are doing the kids a favor by staying together....


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Stevelee said:


> I can't seem to give up on this relationship


Why not? Whats the payoff for staying?


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## Stevelee (Aug 8, 2012)

My kids.. I am worried that if we divorce, she will get the kids and I will endup with no family and having to pay for everything.... Also, if we got shared guard of the kids (ie one week out of two, thereis no way I could take cae of two kids by myself with my job and all...I guess it's a functional thing. However as I am writing this, I am also thinking it does not make any sense to be in a relationship that is so abusive


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Stevelee said:


> However as I am writing this, I am also thinking it does not make any sense to be in a relationship that is so abusive


This is by far the best thing about TAM. Writing helps you get clarity about your situation.


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## Stevelee (Aug 8, 2012)

Yes you're right... Writing about this is helping me


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Hate to say it, but you’ll need to take control here and lose your fear of her. Go get a new checking account or get her off the one you have. Ditto with the credit cards. Put together a reasonable ‘allowance’ (she’s acting childish, might as well treat her that way). And you bet she is going to go ballistic. What is she really going to do though? Divorce? Affair (bet she’s already thinking it anyway)? It’s already all on the table and will go that way anyhow if nothing changes. 

Get hard and find your Alpha who does ‘stuff’ instead of the doormat. Reinforce you love her and that you are very concerned about her behavior, yet you can’t deal with it long term. She’s probably down over the job loss or something. Just keep digging and don’t let up. Something is causing this. Do not accept blame for her choices and decisions and do not allow her to live in a fantasy that things should be ‘that way’. Keep her grounded in reality... They are ‘this way’. 

I approach it like she is truly insane; Do not expect sane answers. What you are doing is exploring her insanity so you can understand how her brain is functioning. Do not make assumptions based on how ‘normal’ people would work. And don’t be overly judgemental either.... this might be how she copes with extreme stress and anxiety by escaping and burying her head in the sand. You’ll want her to find healthier ways to deal with life. Also, feel free to rip her apart and jump on that crazy train if she escalates; You are teaching her THAT approach will bring her misery, pain and distress (if you are going to be a monster, at least show her what that looks like)... Do it enough and she’ll try other approaches with you that you may accept. 

And always be a open book; Just tell her what its doing to you and how you are dealing with it all... Do not let her make assumptions. And under it all, always make sure she knows you want this to work out, you love her, you think she’s worth it (and with the other stuff she’ll pick up that you have limits).

Even if you get her in IC, do this. Remember IC is only as good as the information she feeds them. Sounds like she’d just demonize you as a monster. So, that ‘professional’ may encourage her to leave you or let her play a victim role; Things could get worse. Make sure you get to meet them and fill in some of those blanks like your concern for her, the reality of what is going on and why you are reacting like you do.

Be strong....


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Stevelee said:


> My kids.. I am worried that if we divorce, she will get the kids and I will endup with no family and having to pay for everything.... Also, if we got shared guard of the kids (ie one week out of two, thereis no way I could take cae of two kids by myself with my job and all...I guess it's a functional thing. However as I am writing this, I am also thinking it does not make any sense to be in a relationship that is so abusive


Don't assume anything, find out what your rights are and get your ducks in a row. It can't be any worse than what you are doing now. Truth is one of you is going to break and it will get ugly when that happens. Best take action now while you are still thinking straight and make plans to make sure you get what you want.

She says she wants a D, file and see how she likes it. Dollar to donuts her attitude will change the minute she gets served.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

its my belief that one should never marry a narcissistic person they are impossible to deal with. Id advice you divorce her and move on if this is a problem that bothers you. 

I have no tolerance for narcissistic people


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Let me see.,
She does not respect you.
She does not respect the marriage
She does not have a job
She is not interested in finding one
She maintains high levels of spending

hmmmmm,

........and she's threatening divorce?
Sounds to me like there might be a third party.


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## StuckInMud (Aug 9, 2012)

I am also married to a narcissist. My deepest condolences.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Do your homework. Talk to an attorney.... do not tell her you are doing this. Find out your rights and responsibilities if you should divorce. 

Being a single parent is hard. People (male and female) do it every day. Start thinking of a plan.... different alternatives of how to be able to take care of your children. Planning is one way of coping... I think it builds optimism in that you begin exploring things you CAN do. Some of it might click! 

You can't change her. You can't make her behave better. You can't make her love you better. But you can work on things that affect you. Handle the things you can. Make changes that YOU think are right. Do what you have to do to make your world better. 

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can...

And the Wisdom to know the difference.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

"For whatever reason, I can't seem to give up on this relationship..."

She knows how you feel, and is using this to manipulate you. When you get over your hangups and call her bluff, I imagine her tune will change dramatically.


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