# Am I Over Reacting?



## Sick and Tired (Jun 15, 2008)

I live with my husband, son, daughter (from previous marriage), and infant daughter (5 months). I also have a step-son (husband’s previous marriage). On a regular basis my husband and I have a really good relationship. We have 11 years of friendship, and 3 great years of marriage. In the past we have had about one to two arguments a year, nothing to ever make me consider separation from him. The fights usually happen when my step son comes to visit, and often revolves around the fairness between all the kids and my place as an adult, and the mother of the household. Granted my children live with us both on a daily basis and know the rules, my step son has visited us often enough to know how it is when he comes over. Long story short, on Friday, We dropped both boys off for Kung Fu practice and as I was leaving out, I noticed that my stepson had brought is PSP game with him, so I told him to let me take it back in the car so the no one would steal it if he sat it down. Once we got home, he ask me for it, but we were in the middle of dinner so I told him to go upstairs and take his shower and once he came back from taking his shower I would have it out. My husband had already gone upstairs for his shower 3 minutes prior to our conversation. So about 10-15 minutes go by and I was just starting to move around after eating my dinner, getting the baby situated and straightening up etc. So my husband comes down in a tone that he has never used with me before saying "Where is my son's PSP?" so I'm in shock like is he serious and I say "Huh" and says "You heard me, Where is his PSP?" he told me you lost it. So I tell him in the same tone he's taking with me, that I am an adult and that he will not talk to me like that. Next I walked over to the diaper bag and pulled out the PSP. I tossed it on the sofa next to him because he was holding the baby and when I tossed it, it nicked his elbow. He immediately jumped up assuming I tried to hit him, as I explained to him that I wasnt trying to hit him, yelling started and we were face to face arguing hard. In the exchange of words, this guy spits in my face. I was so stunned that I through what I had in my hand (my wallet) and it smacked him dead between his eyes. He backed off thankfully, because like I said this was behavior I had never seen come from him before. We did not speak for the rest of the evening, and in the morning, all I could think about was how he spit in my face and what the pure act of spitting on someone means to me. It is Sunday and after about 12 apologies since the incident I still can't get over it and I am ready to leave simply because of my self morals. To me to spit on someone means that that person totally discuss you. I am in shock because of how good things are normally between us and just how it all went down. The under side of the situation was as a his wife, I should never have to justify my actions as a mother, or remind him of my place in our marriage, simply because that's not a problem from him. My children respect him and look at him as Dad, but he has yet to enforce that with my step-son. Not only did he go upstairs and lie to my husband, but he played us. The whole thing just don't sit right with me.....it seems like He was "telling on me", and my husband came to me like he was going to punish me if it had been lost? Anyway it's all too much for me and I can't get my mind around the whole spitting thing? Am I overreacting?


----------



## Corina (May 15, 2008)

imho, No, you are not overreacting. I would say shocked, gob-smacked, flabbergasted, stunned, apalled, you pick it....all perfectly normal and acceptable reactions to a really scary situation for both of you. This is something that will be put behind you, but not in a matter of a day.

When anybody comes into my home, they have to respect the fact that they are on my territory, and what I say goes. I don't care if it's a neighbor, an in-law, or my own damn mother. And if my husband did not stand behind me I would also be very hurt and wondering what hotel is the closest.

I really believe this will pass, but he needs to be completely clear about what caused this (not you!), and why he reacted the way he did. Spitting! What an outrageous, childish reaction. You need to talk about this with him, but he needs to understand that his behavior could cause anyone to freak and that you need some time!


----------



## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

I can not relate to all the dymanics of a blended family but I can imagine it is very difficult. Especially if the kids try to manipulate the situation. You want them to be able to adjust & try to make it a smooth transition for them & all involved. 
But obviuosly "spitting: if not going to resolve any of those issues. I don't blame you for being upset & stunned - not exactly behaviour you'd expect from your husband. Also the way he came down & immediately blamed you about the PSP before asking you your side of the story. But communication would be a start. . ..
I think that as you talk about this you might find it it is not about the playstation & there are underlying issues with both your son & your husband. 
best wishes & keep talking to help sort through your thoughts. You might want to try putting your thoughts & emotions on paper. Maybe write about that night & issues surrounding it. Then maybe move on to any other issues/resentments/conflicts you feel there might be with the blended family ( step kids, your kids, how your husband fits into each of these) It might help to step back at things & look at your role in these scenarios.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Are you over reacting yes and no. Both of you are wrong hear and both did things totally disrespectful to each other and your step son since he had to wait for hs property. Your husband spat on you which is wrong and very disrespectful and you responded with physical violence. I think that the two of you need to have an open communication about this and forgive each other.

As for the step son, he is a different matter. As you mentioned he visits your husband. He doesn't live with you like your children do with your husband. Your husband most likely is the biggest male figure in your childrens lives even more so then their real father. You on the other hand are not his (the stepson's) primary female role model. It makes for a real difference. After all he has more influence away from your house then in it.

After you and your husband bury the hatch you need to sit doen together and discuss conflict resolution. Your stepson is use to using your husband and his mother against each other I will bet. Or his mother against a SO.

After you and your husband come to terms the next time your stepson comes for a visit a family talk might help.

One thing that bothers me is the fact that your husband didn't sem to stand behind you in front of his son. This gives the impression that he can do it again. A better way would have been him coming down the stairs going into your bedroom or another room and talking about the situation were the children would not have heard the parents divided. A strong unioted front is always the best option.

draconis


----------



## djla (Jun 20, 2008)

I agree almost 100% with the post prior to mine. and just in case you also live in the state of california, only because I am very close to filing for a divorce and we as well deal with a blended family, a rather large one at that, 2 kids, 4 step kids, 8 step grand kids, and 2 that are only grandkids to my husband, I'm not entitled. I have lived with more then my share of problems with his kids, his x wife, the grandkids, for 20 years now, and as well our worst fights have been over his kids, and now I can honestly say I am so grateful they all live in a differant state. My husband has never spit on me, but considering what I have lived with, I would prefer that, cause I could just wipe that off and feel humiliated for a time, I live with verbal and emotional abuse on top of one of his kids always saying or doing something to discount me. and Like you I became so angry that several years ago I,he was going to leave for work in the middle of a argument, when all I asked of him was to please let us resolve the issue before he leaves, I hate feeling that terrible, and then he's not here to deal with it as well, He started his car and I lost it, I grabbed him through the window and punched him smack in the face, all he did was drive off, I thought for sure our marriage was over, but he did what men typically do, came home and acted as though nothing happened. and thats what goes on all the time, never resolved, and I am so tired of arguing that I just walk away, and we also the first 5 = 6 years of our marriage didn't have hardly any arguments. as time has gone on with so many unresolved issues, and there is no resolving with him at all, I had to get a sense of humor with myself, because he knows how to push my buttons, and with the OJ law guess who would have looked like the abuser. everyone thinks he's a great guy and I'm so lucky to have him, even if I told anyone how he really treats me, they wouldn't believe me. so even though as disgusting as it was for him to spit in your face, you wacked him phyically, and in calif you can go to jail for that, even though you were provoked. I have learned to laugh at him when he's being a real A###h. and the only reason I am still here is because I have major medical problems. So what I have learned is, no matter what tone he takes with me, and most of the time it's degrading, or mean, or he yells at me, I just look at him like he's an idiot, and smile, I means whats he going to do, you can't say she made faces at me and then laughed right? to this day he has never ever stood up for me with his kids, but mine were taught to respect him, and even though you are the mother in your house hold, your not his son's mother, and the best you can ever be to him is try being his friend instead of the mom who rules the house. I also grew up with step mothers. I hated them all. I had a mom I didn't need another one, especially one who took up my dads time away from me. I hope you patch things up, you have invested a lot of time, and your also worn out with a new baby, so your most likely not reacting as you may normally would. and the only person who pays a price for a divorce is not you or him but your kids. he could spit on me everyother day if he would just be nice to me once in a while. I can wipe that right off, and spit in his dinner when i fix it, then I can laugh about it.


----------

