# Is my marriage ending?



## A_Common_Man (Jun 21, 2018)

I am beginning to wonder if my marriage of almost eighteen years is coming to an end. My wife continually talks about moving to New York State lately. I have told her over the years I have no desire to live there again but she continues to make plans to move there anyway. We both have good jobs and are making a combined total of about $75,000 per year in the midwest with a house payment of only around $940 per month.

She does not want to do much with me or anyone else since her surgery. She does not leave the house much anymore only to run chores. My wife is in pain and is currently seeking to sue a doctor that did a bad surgery and messed her body up. (A doctor messed up her vaginal reconstruction.) She says that when she gets her settlement money she is going to move. She has also been saying in the last few months that I would be happier if I were with someone else. I am thinking she does not care about our marriage anymore and only living in New York to be near her family. Should I start making preparations for when she files for divorce? I love her and want to be married to her but I will not move back to New York again. We were very poor living out there previously (in welfare housing) and I hated the employment I had, the taxes, weather and the laws of New York.

When discussing it before I said we could move closer to her family when we retired (but not New York State) but she does not want to wait that long.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

A_Common_Man said:


> I am beginning to wonder if my marriage of almost eighteen years is coming to an end. My wife continually talks about moving to New York State lately. I have told her over the years I have no desire to live there again but she continues to make plans to move there anyway. We both have good jobs and are making a combined total of about $75,000 per year in the midwest with a house payment of only around $940 per month.
> 
> She does not want to do much with me or anyone else since her surgery. She does not leave the house much anymore only to run chores. My wife is in pain and is currently seeking to sue a doctor that did a bad surgery and messed her body up. (A doctor messed up her vaginal reconstruction.) She says that when she gets her settlement money she is going to move. She has also been saying in the last few months that I would be happier if I were with someone else. I am thinking she does not care about our marriage anymore and only living in New York to be near her family. Should I start making preparations for when she files for divorce? I love her and want to be married to her but I will not move back to New York again. We were very poor living out there previously (in welfare housing) and I hated the employment I had, the taxes, weather and the laws of New York.
> 
> When discussing it before I said we could move closer to her family when we retired (but not New York State) but she does not want to wait that long.


She is planning on keeping her money from the settlement and moving home to New York,with or without you but in her mind she wants to be alone.
You need to talk to a lawyer about this,have you paid any expenses towards her treatment or while she was recuperating.Let her know in no uncertain terms that you are expecting a share of her settlement award and you are prepared to go to court if necessary.


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## A_Common_Man (Jun 21, 2018)

I agree Andy. I think she wants to be alone and she thinks she will be happier without me. Maybe separation for a few months will change her mind but I do not know. I do not want to get any lawyers involved if she decides to leave me. (She has been talking about moving to New York for years now.) The lawyers will just take all of our assets in my mind and we will be left with little or nothing. She will likely be agreeable in the separation on finances and not try to take everything I have. I would rather keep all my retirement money I have saved (over $28,000) with all the house equity and she could keep her settlement money with her own retirement account. Thanks for the input. I appreciate it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It's rare that a wife will just throw 18 years away without another branch to grasp on to. Could there be some old boyfriend that she's been talking to back home? We have COUNTLESS threads of affairs started over facebook. Men will go out fishing. They start with old girlfriends. 

You would be surprised how easily some potential waywards are willing to toss a family overboard for a chance at some perceived new exciting life with the one that got away.

Have you talked to your wife about your feelings? I mean deep from the heart convo. 

To get better advise, you should fill in the wholes. Temperture of the marriage (date night, affection, sex life) how many kids, and ages, do you help with kids and house, are you main breadwinner, do you take care of your appearance. You get the idea.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you have children? I am guessing not as you haven't mentioned them. 

I think she is planning to move there whether you like it or not, and to be honest she doesnt seem bothered if you don't.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

A_Common_Man said:


> The lawyers will just take all of our assets in my mind and we will be left with little or nothing. She will likely be agreeable in the separation on finances and not try to take everything I have.


Wrong. Just. Wrong. You don't have a large sum in the way of assets. If we were talking $25 million here, then there would be cause for concern. But we're not. The point of seeing an attorney for an initial consultation is to make sure you know where you stand legally. Just because you think your wife will "likely" be agreeable to a separation of finances doesn't make it fact. The idea of seeing an attorney is to go into any legal action, if it occurs, with valuable information that can protect you.

When it comes to money, don't trust anyone with what you think you know. Play any hand you may have to play based on sound knowledge.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yeah buddy, it is over. And you are correct, she expects to bolt with her money and leave you.

Just see a lawyer to see where you are at. 

And then have a talk. Just be honest with her. 

It is kind of crappy her doing it like this...


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## A_Common_Man (Jun 21, 2018)

My wife has been away from me before for about a month. She had broken her foot and went out to New York until she had healed for support. I get the feeling she will leave for 35 days at most to be with her parents and then come back. We also have four children together. The oldest is fifteen years old presently. Thanks for the responses thus far.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It would be beneficial if you would supply more details. You mentioned in your first post that you wife said you'd be better off with someone else. In you latest post, you mention there are four minor children involved. This paints a somewhat different picture. For instance, is she planning to take the kids with her when - and if - she moves to New York?

Also ... Your financial situation probably won't be as straightforward cut-and-dried as you think, now that you have reported children are involved.

Frankly, it sounds like your wife is done with the marriage. Okay, so she's only been gone 35 days before this and then returned. Again, you are not planning for the worst possible scenario. Instead, it seems like you have somewhat lapsed into a type of complacency where she'll leave, not mess with your half of the $$ at all, and possibly just waltz back into your life after so many days.

Not wise to plan your life around a what-if scenario. It would behoove you to have a consultation with a good attorney. Trust me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

A_Common_Man said:


> My wife has been away from me before for about a month. She had broken her foot and went out to New York until she had healed for support. I get the feeling she will leave for 35 days at most to be with her parents and then come back. We also have four children together. The oldest is fifteen years old presently. Thanks for the responses thus far.



So what will happen to the children if she goes? Does she expect to take then with her? Can you legally stop her doing this? Do they want to go with her and leave their homes, schools and friends? You definitely need to get legal advise on the children and everything else.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

It sounds like there is a greater issues at hand with your wife. She may be suffering from some depression because of the surgery so escaping to NY is just a symptom. I'd seek professional help if she is willing. Her pushing away from you and the marriage is just a symptom of wanting to escape. She sounds like she has alot of emotional stuff going on so she is REACTING not thinking rationally. Women tend to want to escape when too much is on our shoulders.

Why NY? Is family there? You have to discuss with her why she wants to move to NY. What fulfillment does she think she is going to get that she is not getting where she is? She may be yearning to escape for a while. But it could be a temporary thing.

I know you both have jobs but you may want to consider a long term vacation (at least 2-3 weeks) where she can relax and really search her reasons for wanting to move. Or why don't you just send her away to NY for a while and let her figure out where her head is (if you can trust her). Let her get a taste of being without you feels like. Send her to family in NY for a week. Maybe she needs to take a short term disability from the job for 30 days so yall can sort things out.


Good luck.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

A_Common_Man said:


> She does not want to do much with me or anyone else since her surgery. She does not leave the house much anymore only to run chores. My wife is in pain and is currently seeking to sue a doctor that did a bad surgery and messed her body up. (A doctor messed up her vaginal reconstruction.)


Let's back up for a moment. What have you done as far as support for your W with this surgery that was destroyed (vaginal reconstruction) of her body? What is her feeling about this? I suspect sex( a big part of marriage) is no longer possible or your W has not desire as a result of this irresponsible doctors failed attempt at surgery that probably has changed your W life forever.(?)


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I'm betting she has already found your replacement and he's in New York. That should be easy for you to verify. That "you should be with someone else" almost always means "I'm currently cheating with someone else."


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

A_Common_Man said:


> I am beginning to wonder if my marriage of almost eighteen years is coming to an end. My wife continually talks about moving to New York State lately. I have told her over the years I have no desire to live there again but she continues to make plans to move there anyway. We both have good jobs and are making a combined total of about $75,000 per year in the midwest with a house payment of only around $940 per month.
> 
> She does not want to do much with me or anyone else since her surgery. She does not leave the house much anymore only to run chores. My wife is in pain and is currently seeking to sue a doctor that did a bad surgery and messed her body up. (A doctor messed up her vaginal reconstruction.) She says that when she gets her settlement money she is going to move. She has also been saying in the last few months that I would be happier if I were with someone else. I am thinking she does not care about our marriage anymore and only living in New York to be near her family. Should I start making preparations for when she files for divorce? I love her and want to be married to her but I will not move back to New York again. We were very poor living out there previously (in welfare housing) and I hated the employment I had, the taxes, weather and the laws of New York.
> 
> When discussing it before I said we could move closer to her family when we retired (but not New York State) but she does not want to wait that long.


OHMIGOD, that poor woman! What I'm reading between the lines is that she no longer sees herself as a viable wife/woman and is pushing you away because she fears you will leave her. She's in a terrible state of mind! 

Is there anything you aren't posting here? How do YOU feel about what has happened to her? You absolutely should not be making preparations for her to file to divorce her if you do not want that. She needs constant, steadfast reassurance. She needs you to be involved in her healing and her health and reassure her that she is just as much of a woman to you as ever. 

If, however, you in your honest self do not want to be with her through this, then search your mind and soul for the truth of who you are as a person and accept that. 

But do not move back to New York when that would strap you both financially. 

My personal feeling is that she is looking to escape because she is depressed about how to receive love from you now. You guys can make it through this if you BOTH are willing.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

VermiciousKnid said:


> I'm betting she has already found your replacement and he's in New York. That should be easy for you to verify. That "you should be with someone else" almost always means "I'm currently cheating with someone else."


That's very speculative and damaging commentary. A woman with a botched vaginal rejuvenation surgery is going to have issues with sexual feelings.


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## A_Common_Man (Jun 21, 2018)

I agree with what you said MZMEE. I think she is depressed because she is in pain all the time. She is having a hard time sleeping as well which makes her quality of life worse. Her parents live in Western New York. They wanted to move but are retired and cannot afford to leave because no one wants their house for the price they want to sell it for. It is not a good area to live in.

She is working with doctors on the pain problems and they are trying to find out what the butcher (I mean doctor but I call him that) did to her and how to make life tolerable for her. It's been over eighteen months since the surgery and she is still in pain.

We cannot have intercourse anymore because of the pain she has but we have sexual relations with each other in other ways. She is going out to New York for two weeks in July with all four children. I am not going because I do not have enough vacation time to cover it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I can usually spot when there is someone else involved and this doesn't seem to be the case at all here. This woman is suffering. She needs help and support. Rather than planning for divorce, start reading up on marriage and how to love and support each other. She sounds like a woman devastated by what's happened to her. And it doesn't sound like you are helping her. Of course you haven't given us any details, but the way you write about it is as you are disconnected from what has happened and don't understand it. 

She left to go get support from her family when she injured her foot and now that her reproductive system has been messed up she is thinking about moving permanently. That sounds like you were not there for her when she needed you and she is desperate for support.

If I've got this wrong, then please explain what is really happening, because it sounds like your wife is having a breakdown and needs help immediately.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

happiness27 said:


> That's very speculative and damaging commentary. A woman with a botched vaginal rejuvenation surgery is going to have issues with sexual feelings.


I'll stick by my bet and am 99% sure I'm right. I've been in the divorce business a long time. Long enough to speak fluid cheater-speak. He can verify it very easily by checking the family cell phone bill.


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## A_Common_Man (Jun 21, 2018)

How do I feel about what had happened to her Happiness27? I feel angry and sad. I am sad and angry that her quality of life has been ruined by a doctor who had no clue about what he was doing in my opinion. I still love her but she withdraws from me a lot. I ask her if she wants to do things but she says she is just in too much pain to do them. What can you do when all you feel like is discomfort and pain from your groin unless you are in a reclined position?

To make matter worse any lawyers we have consulted are not interested in taking her case thus far. I do not know why. It seems an open and shut case to me.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

A_Common_Man said:


> I agree with what you said MZMEE. I think she is depressed because she is in pain all the time. She is having a hard time sleeping as well which makes her quality of life worse. Her parents live in Western New York. They wanted to move but are retired and cannot afford to leave because no one wants their house for the price they want to sell it for. It is not a good area to live in.
> 
> She is working with doctors on the pain problems and they are trying to find out what the butcher (I mean doctor but I call him that) did to her and how to make life tolerable for her. It's been over eighteen months since the surgery and she is still in pain.
> 
> We cannot have intercourse anymore because of the pain she has but we have sexual relations with each other in other ways. She is going out to New York for two weeks in July with all four children. I am not going because I do not have enough vacation time to cover it.


From what you describe, your W is suffering physically and mentally. It stems from the surgery if I have a guess. Has your W spoken to your W about what this life changing medical disaster and what she, in her mine, has done to her life/marriage?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

A_Common_Man said:


> How do I feel about what had happened to her Happiness27? I feel angry and sad. I am sad and angry that her quality of life has been ruined by a doctor who had no clue about what he was doing in my opinion. I still love her but she withdraws from me a lot. I ask her if she wants to do things but she says she is just in too much pain to do them. What can you do when all you feel like is discomfort and pain from your groin unless you are in a reclined position?
> 
> To make matter worse any lawyers we have consulted are not interested in taking her case thus far. I do not know why. It seems an open and shut case to me.


At this juncture you simply have to be supportive(and no doubt you are). No medical malpractice lawyers will take on this case?


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

VermiciousKnid said:


> I'll stick by my bet and am 99% sure I'm right. I've been in the divorce business a long time. Long enough to speak fluid cheater-speak. He can verify it very easily by checking the family cell phone bill.


A woman in pain in her vagina - cheating is not the first thing that comes to mind.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

A_Common_Man said:


> I agree with what you said MZMEE. I think she is depressed because she is in pain all the time. She is having a hard time sleeping as well which makes her quality of life worse. Her parents live in Western New York. They wanted to move but are retired and cannot afford to leave because no one wants their house for the price they want to sell it for. It is not a good area to live in.
> 
> She is working with doctors on the pain problems and they are trying to find out what the butcher (I mean doctor but I call him that) did to her and how to make life tolerable for her. It's been over eighteen months since the surgery and she is still in pain.
> 
> We cannot have intercourse anymore because of the pain she has but we have sexual relations with each other in other ways. She is going out to New York for two weeks in July with all four children. I am not going because I do not have enough vacation time to cover it.


Either partner can have a health issue at any time during a marriage. Working through these is part of the relationship.

For me, I had a sudden health problem 3 years ago that has involved multiple doctor visits and all that medical stuff. Pain was daily. One of the meds I had to take for six months killed my libido and ability to achieve an orgasm. It was horrible. May I tell you the thoughts that went through my head and some of the things I said to my husband?

I thought he wouldn't want to be with me. I felt ugly and old and undesirable. I felt like my body was used up and would never recover. I felt like he should find someone else so that I wouldn't be a burden on his happiness. I pushed him away so many times. 

What we have discovered as recovery did finally become a reality was that I have a problem with receiving love. Oh, I'm just great at taking care of other people. But when it comes to myself, I don't want to bother anyone - especially someone I felt like I was supposed to be taking care of - my husband. 

He never made me feel that I was a burden but it was my own thoughts that prevented me from receiving from him - especially when I couldn't see an end in sight to what was going on. I was also terrible about telling him what I needed. I was supposed to be in charge of taking care of HIS needs.

My suggestion to the two of you is please keep the faith in each other. Tell her over and over that you love her and support her and become the leader in telling her that you are both going to find answers to get her health back - that you are there for her no matter what. 

Things are going to get better and you are both going to come out of this stronger for having loved each other through a very difficult time. To your spouse: Let your husband love you so that you can honor his gift of giving love. Believe me, I get you. For people like you and I, giving love is easy. Receiving it is very hard. But that is your challenge right now. Be vulnerable and let him love you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'll ditto that she is probably contemplating divorce because she can't see you wanting her this way, now if there were major problems before the surgery she may view the lawsuit money as an easy way to divorce financially.

I know what you describe would freak me out and I would think my husband would be better off without me. And of course people don't like to be alone, family is comforting and your mom or dad usually are willing to help if they can.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

I agree that it's very unlikely that a woman with debilitating vaginal pain is actively physically cheating. Check the phone bill anyway.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

A_Common_Man said:


> I am beginning to wonder if my marriage of almost eighteen years is coming to an end. My wife continually talks about moving to New York State lately. * I have told her over the years I have no desire to live there again* but she continues to make plans to move there anyway. We both have good jobs and are making a combined total of about $75,000 per year in the midwest with a house payment of only around $940 per month.
> 
> She does not want to do much with me or anyone else since her surgery. She does not leave the house much anymore only to run chores. My wife is in pain and is currently seeking to sue a doctor that did a bad surgery and messed her body up. (A doctor messed up her vaginal reconstruction.) She says that when she gets her settlement money she is going to move. She has also been saying in the last few months that I would be happier if I were with someone else. I am thinking she does not care about our marriage anymore and only living in New York to be near her family. Should I start making preparations for when she files for divorce? I love her and want to be married to her but *I will not move back to New York again.* We were very poor living out there previously (in welfare housing) and I hated the employment I had, the taxes, weather and the laws of New York.
> 
> *When discussing it before I said we could move closer to her family when we retired* (but not New York State) but she does not want to wait that long.


You sound like quite the dictator to me when marriage is supposed to be a 2-way street. You said that when she hurt her foot, she stayed in New York with her family for support. So she went to New York on a bad foot to get away from her unsupportive husband in order to seek the support of her family. How do you think that makes you look in her eyes? I can only imagine how she feels right now being that she's unable to engage in sexual intercourse anymore. Again, she is finding herself with an unsupportive husband who understandably still has a sexual appetite, but I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life with the demand of having to have sexual relations "in other ways". Intercourse is less taxing than those "other ways" and even though people enjoy doing other things together, nobody would enjoy having to do only those all the time, especially the female counterpart from my position. While there are lots of women who like oral sex and hand jobs to please their man, there aren't many who actually enjoy doing the work they require (and sore, exhausted jaws), and I doubt there are many who want to HAVE to do them all the time. I love my husband, but I, like your wife, would have to bow out of the marriage feeling that he deserves better and would be happier with someone else - someone who can give him what he needs.

I would feel even more justified if my husband, like you, has previously been entirely unsupportive and rather dictatorial about where we live. If you could agree to move closer to her family, but not to New York specifically, many years down the road, then you could just as well agree to make that same effort before such time as you dictate. But you made no effort to consider what she wanted. Many people prefer to live outside of New York due to the cost of living in there, so it's understandable that is your preference. But you gave her preference no consideration at all, when all you had to do was look into moving and the job market outside of New York over the past years that she has expressed wanting to be closer to her family. You think she doesn't cae about the marriage anymore, but how about the possibility that she feels you don't care about her? Based on the background you have given us, you seem rather selfish and unsupportive. I think your suspicions are correct that she plans to leave. I would be planning on leaving if I were your wife.

At the same time, you are mistaken to think about divorce in terms of being civil and agreeable. They almost never are even when the parties think they will be. You need to speak with an attorney to know what your rights are and your rights regarding the children.

Also, you are entitled to settlement money. Typically, the person in your position, the affected spouse/partner, would be a named party in the lawsuit, or you could file a suit of your own in conjunction with hers. Look at what this botched surgery has done to you. You have also been affected, and it's also your marriage that has been damaged. Plus, it looks like the botched surgery is the cause of your divorce, or the catalyst to say the least. So you are also entitled to compensation.

I can understand lawyers not wanting to touch this with a 10 foot pole. The reason is that it's hard to prove. They have nothing, or very little, to go on in terms of being able to say exactly how the surgery was botched - exactly what he did wrong and what he should have done. Your wife (and you) has grounds for a lawsuit, but proving it is a very big factor, and lawyers don't take cases based on the doctor's culpability. They take cases based on ability to win and whether it's worth their time and cost compared to what they COULD earn from the effort. Some cases just aren't worth taking on, and this one isn't so far, so it may be necessary for your wife (and you) to do the background research and legwork in advance.

Medical malpractice reform might be nationwide by now (I stopped keeping track of the reform bills many years ago) but if it isn't nationwide, it still might apply in your state. What that means is the amount of rewards may be capped. In my state, the maximum a patient can be awarded is capped at $350k (and people usually settle for a lot lot less than that), so no more millions of dollars in malpractice lawsuits. A person or their survivors can receive up to $500k if death occurred due to malpractice or if the person earned a very high living and was rendered unable to work as result of the doctor's error. At a combined income of $75k, neither you nor your wife earn enough to be considered high income. So all this could also be a factor in attorneys reluctance to take this case. You may want to find out the laws in your state.

Next, ask your wife to obtain her records from the butcher doctor in order to ascertain exactly what her surgery was termed, probably labiaplasty but she needs to know what the record actually states. Then, ask her to locate a doctor that does corrective surgery for those botched jobs. For example, there are doctors who correct the botched labiaplasty surgery. Tell her not to divulge her plan to sue the butcher doctor. Have the corrective doctor examine her and determine if he can fix her problem. If he says he can, then he would also be a doctor that can name and state what the butcher doctor did wrong and what he will have to do to correct it. This can be the bases and an automatic witness for the lawsuit. After that, you guys can't go to just any lawyer who practices medical malpractice law. It has to be an attorney who practices law in the malpractice of labiaplasty (or whatever it's termed in her records). That lawyer won't turn her down because he will be familiar with it already, but he may not be easy to find. You will want to call all over your state from the yellow pages (you can always obtain one from the phone company) and maybe even in surrounding states.

After all of that, it would be extremely helpful to the case for your wife to find other women whose same surgeries were also botched. They would be a treasure chest of information on how to proceed if she can find some who were successful in suing their butcher doctors. And even more helpful to find some, even one or two, who had the same doctor as your wife. Even if they didn't sue, they would add to the number of women whose surgeries were botched by this particular doctor, which proves his incompetence. 

Finding these women won't be easy, but social media can work wonders. There might even be support communities on the internet. If not, your wife can start her own website of a support group as a way of gaining knowledge, support, and understanding for her problem from other women and also as a means of locating others to help build her lawsuit. She might even find a class action suit is possible as a result.

Like I said, the cost is a factor in attorneys deciding whether to take on a case, so if a lot of this kind of cost-saving work is done by the victim, she will position herself as that much more likely to be able to find a willing lawyer. But when gathering the information she needs, tell her to be mindful of the state's statute of limitations, which might mean she has to get to work very quickly and work fast. Good luck to her (and you).


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

This surgery. Is it elective and whose idea was it?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It sounds like your wife was planning on moving back to NY with or without you. The problems with the surgery has brought this about faster I guess. 

Surgery aside when is she planning on leaving to stay in NY? 

Is she planning on taking your kids away from you?

Are you going to allow her to take your kids away from you?


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## A_Common_Man (Jun 21, 2018)

My wife and I talked a lot yesterday. She is so sad that she listened to this doctor and decided on this terrible surgery. She is in so much pain and is depressed and tired of hurting all the time. The pain started after her botched surgery. She may try medical marijuana to see if it helps manage the pain. She decided that moving away to New York would be too painful being away from me and the kids. We are going to keep exploring other pain treatment options. I am also going to try pursuing this doctor's malpractice insurance. He screwed her life up so his insurance should pay her something.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

1. Why the need for vaginal reconstruction? What was the impetus for that procedure? Was it elective, or procedural? 

2. After the surgery, and notice of malpractice...Did you find the need for therapy or counselling?

3. I would lay off the drugs. I know it is in fad for pain management. But there are other side effects that may screw stuff up for you guys more.

4. I still would be finding out what is so desirable in NY? I can't imagine that the thought of financial hardship even though family is nearby sounds enticing...

5. And why every time when she gets injured or sick, she leaves the household and is gone over a month? What happened to in sickness and health????


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why did she have this surgery? Was is purely for cosmetic reasons or medical?


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## A_Common_Man (Jun 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Why did she have this surgery? Was is purely for cosmetic reasons or medical?


She would feel some pain during intercourse in certain positions was the reason she looked into medical options. Her cervix had dropped a little from its normal position into her vagina. Likely it was effects of having four children. Now sexual intercourse is very painful to her. I have probably only penetrated her seven times since the surgery about 18 months ago. She is in pain a lot and it is not from trying intercourse. 

Two other doctors asked my wife why other options were not considered before this drastic surgery was performed. We should have got a second opinion. Too late. A chop chop happy doctor did his crap work and pain specialists have thus far been baffled about how to help her.

The reason my wife left before when she broke her ankle is some of our children were fighting all the time and were not listening and she was not able to do anything about it. When I was gone at work and they would not cook food, get her water, clean and do common chores.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

A_Common_Man said:


> She would feel some pain during intercourse in certain positions was the reason she looked into medical options. Her cervix had dropped a little from its normal position into her vagina. Likely it was effects of having four children. Now sexual intercourse is very painful to her. I have probably only penetrated her seven times since the surgery about 18 months ago. She is in pain a lot and it is not from trying intercourse.
> 
> Two other doctors asked my wife why other options were not considered before this drastic surgery was performed. We should have got a second opinion. Too late. A chop chop happy doctor did his crap work and pain specialists have thus far been baffled about how to help her.
> 
> The reason my wife left before when she broke her ankle is some of our children were fighting all the time and were not listening and she was not able to do anything about it. When I was gone at work and they would not cook food, get her water, clean and do common chores.


She shouldn't have needed surgery on her vagina just for a dropped cervix. The cervix can be taken away.


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## A_Common_Man (Jun 21, 2018)

Here is an update. I agreed to move out east closer to New York eventually as this would put my wife possibly about a six hour drive from her family if she wanted to. Relocating is up in the air as I would need to get a job out there and we would need to sell our house which will be a mountain of work getting that prepared. My wife and I are preparing to file a lawsuit against the doctor and hospital where this surgery was performed. She is still in pain since the surgery which was about 18 months ago.


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## A_Common_Man (Jun 21, 2018)

Here is another update as of November 2019. The doctor who messed up my wife in surgery settled out of court on a small sum with her. We settled because no lawyer would take her case. We tried to get about ten lawyers to take her case but no one would. We are still married. Her vaginal pain has lessened but her immune system is not doing well presently. She gets urinary track infections a lot.

My wife had another surgery a few months ago to repair her stomach. We believe the previous doctor botched the surgery and messed up her stomach and she is still recovering from the more recent stomach surgery. We still love each other and support and care for each other. My wife thought a lot about leaving me but decided she loved me and wanted to stay with me.

I hope all of you are doing well and have a good Thanksgiving.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

A_Common_Man said:


> My wife thought a lot about leaving me but decided she loved me and wanted to stay with me.


So.....your wife *didn't* get the settlement amount she was hoping for in order to move to New York whether you wanted to come or not (according to your first posting in this thread back in June 2018). She was going whether you came or not. But instead, she had to accept a *small *payout settlement offer. Not really enough to start a life over even in Hooterville.

She also had to have additional surgery to correct some ongoing medical issues, so between these two things, she's not in a position to be going *anywhere*.

Well gosh and golly, it's like a Thanksgiving miracle that she's _suddenly_ 'decided' that she does love you after all, and* does *want to stay with you! It's kismet, I tell you. I'm sure her decision to stay had _nothing_ to do with not getting the money she was hoping to get to move back to New York. 

A word to the wise, OP. Your wife is an opportunist and quite honestly, you're fooling yourself if you actually believe she stayed with you purely for 'love' when she was perfectly fine leaving you behind in order to move back to NY.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So.....your wife *didn't* get the settlement amount she was hoping for in order to move to New York whether you wanted to come or not (according to your first posting in this thread back in June 2018). She was going whether you came or not. But instead, she had to accept a *small *payout settlement offer. Not really enough to start a life over even in Hooterville.
> 
> She also had to have additional surgery to correct some ongoing medical issues, so between these two things, she's not in a position to be going *anywhere*.
> 
> ...


To be honest @She's still got it, i ordinarily agree with your comments but this one is a little harsh. I think the poor woman's first priority was to get pain relief. How do you or any of us know how much pain she has suffered. Now that the pain has subsided she is more herself. Maybe with the misbehaving kids and an unsupportive H, she just needed to get away, it happens to many of us. Give her a break!

OP, now that your wife's pain has lessened, I hope you guys are spending time together and doing well. The next time it might be better to sit down and have a heart to heart instead of asking strangers to guess what is going on with your wife. Happy thanksgiving to you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How did a previous vaginal reconstruction surgery "mess up" your wife's stomach? What was her new surgery? Alarm bells are ringing re odd and many surgeries...


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Livvie said:


> How did a previous vaginal reconstruction surgery "mess up" your wife's stomach? What was her new surgery? Alarm bells are ringing re odd and many surgeries...




I do not know what personal surgeries his wife has had, however that is not really relevant.

If you go pick up a book, or talk to a doctor, you will be told that all of our internal organs are in some way connected to each other, therefore, an issue with one may have an effect on another.

Alarm bells are not ringing, unless you are a doctor. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Stomach could be more a wide abdominal range instead of the single organ.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A_Common_Man said:


> Here is another update as of November 2019. The doctor who messed up my wife in surgery settled out of court on a small sum with her. We settled because no lawyer would take her case. We tried to get about ten lawyers to take her case but no one would. We are still married. Her vaginal pain has lessened but her immune system is not doing well presently. She gets urinary track infections a lot.
> 
> My wife had another surgery a few months ago to repair her stomach. We believe the previous doctor botched the surgery and messed up her stomach and she is still recovering from the more recent stomach surgery. We still love each other and support and care for each other. My wife thought a lot about leaving me but decided she loved me and wanted to stay with me.
> 
> I hope all of you are doing well and have a good Thanksgiving.


It's good to hear that while your wife is still struggling with health issues, things in your relationship have settled down quite a bit.

When a person is experiencing serious health issues it can really play havoc with their state of mind. It sounds like that was what your wife was struggling with.

I hope things continue to go better and better for the two of you.

About where to live and travel to NY. Is there an airport near where you live now. I would rather fly than drive 6 hours.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> A_Common_Man said:
> 
> 
> > My wife thought a lot about leaving me but decided she loved me and wanted to stay with me.
> ...


I agree with you. If the wife actually said that she "decided" she still loves him and he didn't catch on that that was a HUGE red flag then nothing anyone can tell him will help. Run, my friend. Run before you anymore time gets behind you


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