# Hi



## Kerrbear

Hi everyone, a little about myself..

Divorced 4 years and have been dating someone exclusively for 9 months now. I thought things were going well but the past month we’ve been arguing a lot lately.

For example, last week we were having a conversation on the phone and I got a little excited and interrupted him while he was speaking. He then abruptly says he’s done talking and hangs up. A text follows moments later saying that we’re done. He goes on to ignore me a few days and then later contacts me as if nothing happened. When I questioned him about it he says that he didn’t break up with me but was upset at how rude I was and that was the only way I’d listen to him. This issue was news to me as well, not some reoccurring thing. 

I apologized for interrupting him but said his reaction was not appropriate and that it’s not a healthy way to solve conflict. He then gets angry and says again that we shouldn’t be together because I’m rude and inconsiderate. He also never admits fault or says sorry. I normally end up apologizing to end arguments even if he’s at fault.

I love this man and when things are good they’re good so I’m at a loss as to what to do.


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## Tasorundo

HUGE RED FLAG

That is not how adults talk to each other, if you continue with this relationship accepting that as proper behavior you will be sorry.


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## StillSearching

Kerrbear said:


> Hi everyone, a little about myself..
> 
> Divorced 4 years and have been dating someone exclusively for 9 months now. I thought things were going well but the past month we’ve been arguing a lot lately.
> 
> For example, last week we were having a conversation on the phone and I got a little excited and interrupted him while he was speaking. He then abruptly says he’s done talking and hangs up. A text follows moments later saying that we’re done. He goes on to ignore me a few days and then later contacts me as if nothing happened. When I questioned him about it he says that he didn’t break up with me but was upset at how rude I was and that was the only way I’d listen to him. This issue was news to me as well, not some reoccurring thing.
> 
> I apologized for interrupting him but said his reaction was not appropriate and that it’s not a healthy way to solve conflict. He then gets angry and says again that we shouldn’t be together because I’m rude and inconsiderate. He also never admits fault or says sorry. I normally end up apologizing to end arguments even if he’s at fault.
> 
> I love this *man* and when things are good they’re good so I’m at a loss as to what to do.


Definitely does not sound very manly to me.....but.
Be more specific...Something is just not adding up to me......
But maybe there's more to it??
Is that the only way you listen to him?
Are you rude and inconsiderate?


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## sunsetmist

How often DO you interrupt him--just because you can't wait or are afraid you will forget? Could this be 'the straw that broke the camel's back? Why did your first marriage break up? 

Y'all need to sit down and have a clarifying talk. Maybe each could mention three things that bother you about the other and then you both work on them. See if you have enough invested in your relationship to work on it. 

"The only way I'd listen to him" is a clue to how he is feeling!


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## jlg07

"I apologized for interrupting him but said his reaction was not appropriate and that it’s not a healthy way to solve conflict. He then gets angry and says again that we shouldn’t be together because I’m rude and inconsiderate. He also never admits fault or says sorry. I normally end up apologizing to end arguments even if he’s at fault."

YOU are correct -- his response isn't appropriate. HE should have just interrupted you back and said "I wasn't done talking, please don't interrupt". What he did isn't healthy communication. You need to address that before going any deeper into the relationship.


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## Andy1001

Was he married before and if so why did he divorce. 
You need to be very cautious with this guy, if at all possible try and find out has he ever been physically abusive to an ex. 
A friend of mine runs self defense classes at my gym for women who have been abused by their partners,and some of their stories started like yours. It would eventually become physical abuse, not just verbal.


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## TiffTiff18

I agree with that this is a huge red flag. Maybe he's just stressed out but this is NOT how you talk to you SO. To me, it seems like he's searching for any excuse to get out of the relationship, though he's using poor judgment in executing it. You need to sit him down and tell him you want open communication. I have found people in general don't say things because they think "It'll hurt their feelings". I call BS on that, they don't say things because they don't want to deal with the reaction or be the cause of hurt feelings. 

If he doesn't open up and talk then my recommendation is to reevaluate what the relationship really is and if it's something you can deal with for the long haul. Ultimately the choice is yours to you make.


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## Kerrbear

StillSearching said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hi everyone, a little about myself..
> 
> Divorced 4 years and have been dating someone exclusively for 9 months now. I thought things were going well but the past month we’ve been arguing a lot lately.
> 
> For example, last week we were having a conversation on the phone and I got a little excited and interrupted him while he was speaking. He then abruptly says he’s done talking and hangs up. A text follows moments later saying that we’re done. He goes on to ignore me a few days and then later contacts me as if nothing happened. When I questioned him about it he says that he didn’t break up with me but was upset at how rude I was and that was the only way I’d listen to him. This issue was news to me as well, not some reoccurring thing.
> 
> I apologized for interrupting him but said his reaction was not appropriate and that it’s not a healthy way to solve conflict. He then gets angry and says again that we shouldn’t be together because I’m rude and inconsiderate. He also never admits fault or says sorry. I normally end up apologizing to end arguments even if he’s at fault.
> 
> I love this *man* and when things are good they’re good so I’m at a loss as to what to do.
> 
> 
> 
> Definitely does not sound very manly to me.....but.
> Be more specific...Something is just not adding up to me......
> But maybe there's more to it??
> Is that the only way you listen to him?
> Are you rude and inconsiderate?
Click to expand...

I don’t think so no? He’s going through a separation now himself and I listen to him vent a lot and try to help.


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## Kerrbear

sunsetmist said:


> How often DO you interrupt him--just because you can't wait or are afraid you will forget? Could this be 'the straw that broke the camel's back? Why did your first marriage break up?
> 
> Y'all need to sit down and have a clarifying talk. Maybe each could mention three things that bother you about the other and then you both work on them. See if you have enough invested in your relationship to work on it.
> 
> "The only way I'd listen to him" is a clue to how he is feeling!


Maybe I have in the past, I’m a chatty person but he’s never stated this is a problem before last week. Why do I do it? I think maybe I’ll forget or the conversation will move past that point and then I can’t add in what I’m thinking. At the time I was offering advice to help him but it didn’t go over well obviously.

My marriage broke up because my ex was a workaholic and ended up cheating with someone at his work. We rarely spent time together and I guess drifted apart.


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## Kerrbear

Andy1001 said:


> Was he married before and if so why did he divorce.
> You need to be very cautious with this guy, if at all possible try and find out has he ever been physically abusive to an ex.
> A friend of mine runs self defense classes at my gym for women who have been abused by their partners,and some of their stories started like yours. It would eventually become physical abuse, not just verbal.


He said it’s because he didn’t feel like she listened to him.


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## Tasorundo

Kerrbear said:


> He said it’s because he didn’t feel like she listened to him.


So, you could dismiss his comment as just him being frustrated, or you could take it to mean that he always feels no one is listening to him. Perhaps she was listening as well, just not enough...…

It just feels like a bad thing and if you don't, at the very least, have a good in-depth conversation about it, you will regret it.

Personally, that would be the end for me. 9 months seems like a long time invested until this keeps happening 5 years from now and you have lived with it.


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## Kerrbear

TiffTiff18 said:


> I agree with that this is a huge red flag. Maybe he's just stressed out but this is NOT how you talk to you SO. To me, it seems like he's searching for any excuse to get out of the relationship, though he's using poor judgment in executing it. You need to sit him down and tell him you want open communication. I have found people in general don't say things because they think "It'll hurt their feelings". I call BS on that, they don't say things because they don't want to deal with the reaction or be the cause of hurt feelings.
> 
> If he doesn't open up and talk then my recommendation is to reevaluate what the relationship really is and if it's something you can deal with for the long haul. Ultimately the choice is yours to you make.


He is stressed out- he’s dealing with his own separation now. I’m thinking all the arguing is his way of trying to get me to leave but then I asked him about this and he said no.


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## Kerrbear

Tasorundo said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> He said it’s because he didn’t feel like she listened to him.
> 
> 
> 
> So, you could dismiss his comment as just him being frustrated, or you could take it to mean that he always feels no one is listening to him. Perhaps she was listening as well, just not enough...…
> 
> It just feels like a bad thing and if you don't, at the very least, have a good in-depth conversation about it, you will regret it.
> 
> Personally, that would be the end for me. 9 months seems like a long time invested until this keeps happening 5 years from now and you have lived with it.
Click to expand...

Thing is I get his frustration with me interrupting him. What I don’t get is the reaction that followed. I would have appreciated him discussing the issue with me vs breaking up out of anger. If I take him back will he respect me for tolerating this behaviour? But it could be a one off thing and then I’m throwing away a relationship that I value. Up until last month things were great.


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## StillSearching

Kerrbear said:


> He said it’s because he didn’t feel like she listened to him.


This doesn't add up to me?
I don't know men like this?


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## StillSearching

Kerrbear said:


> Thing is I get his frustration with me interrupting him. What I don’t get is the reaction that followed. I would have appreciated him discussing the issue with me vs breaking up out of anger. *If I take him back will he respect me for tolerating this behaviour?* But it could be a one off thing and then I’m throwing away a relationship that I value. Up until last month things were great.


No


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## Kerrbear

StillSearching said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> He said it’s because he didn’t feel like she listened to him.
> 
> 
> 
> This doesn't add up to me?
> I don't know men like this?
Click to expand...

Yeah I thought it was interesting too but let it go. To explain further she was very messy and disorganized and wouldn’t listen to his complaints.


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## personofinterest

Tasorundo said:


> HUGE RED FLAG
> 
> That is not how adults talk to each other, if you continue with this relationship accepting that as proper behavior you will be sorry.


Absolutely agree. You don't hang up and have temper tantrums to resolve conflicts. Period.


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## Kerrbear

personofinterest said:


> Tasorundo said:
> 
> 
> 
> HUGE RED FLAG
> 
> That is not how adults talk to each other, if you continue with this relationship accepting that as proper behavior you will be sorry.
> 
> 
> 
> Absolutely agree. You don't hang up and have temper tantrums to resolve conflicts. Period.
Click to expand...

I know you don’t but he’s making it seem like what I did was so heinous it was justified. Let’s say it was a chronic behaviour on my part does he have any merit? I’m trying to understand his point of view.


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## personofinterest

Kerrbear said:


> I know you don’t but he’s making it seem like what I did was so heinous it was justified. Let’s say it was a chronic behaviour on my part does he have any merit? I’m trying to understand his point of view.


This is called gaslighting. He is making YOU into the bad guy and making you question yourself.

This man is NOT relationship material. I promise you this will get worse.


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## Kerrbear

personofinterest said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> I know you don’t but he’s making it seem like what I did was so heinous it was justified. Let’s say it was a chronic behaviour on my part does he have any merit? I’m trying to understand his point of view.
> 
> 
> 
> This is called gaslighting. He is making YOU into the bad guy and making you question yourself.
> 
> This man is NOT relationship material. I promise you this will get worse.
Click to expand...

It does feel like that. I feel like I’m going nuts. One minute I feel bad for upsetting him and the next angry at him for reacting like that. He also keeps saying that I should be more understanding etc etc because he’s going through a separation now and is under stress. I almost didn’t date him when I heard of this but he assured me he was ready to date because his marriage had been over for quite some time.


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## jlg07

Maybe you should let him COMPLETE his separation and then try to maybe start things up after? It will give you both some much needed space to consider the relationship


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## Kerrbear

jlg07 said:


> Maybe you should let him COMPLETE his separation and then try to maybe start things up after? It will give you both some much needed space to consider the relationship


Good suggestion, but how should I phrase this given he technically broke it off over text last week?


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## jlg07

Well, I GUESS that since you are broken up already, maybe there is no issue -- just stop talking with him.
You COULD tell him that you want to be considerate of his situation, and that you are going to give him the space he needs to complete his separation. This way, you aren't stressing him out and he can focus on doing that.
THEN when complete, he can let you know and maybe you will get back together. Of course by then, you may (hopefully) have moved on to an actual adult.


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## Tasorundo

Kerrbear,

This is the best thing I can say about this, and any future relationship you have:



If they break up with you, let them.


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## Kerrbear

jlg07 said:


> Well, I GUESS that since you are broken up already, maybe there is no issue -- just stop talking with him.
> You COULD tell him that you want to be considerate of his situation, and that you are going to give him the space he needs to complete his separation. This way, you aren't stressing him out and he can focus on doing that.
> THEN when complete, he can let you know and maybe you will get back together. Of course by then, you may (hopefully) have moved on to an actual adult.


He keeps contacting me. I guess in the hopes that I’ll ask him to take me back but he has not offered an apology for breaking it off so abruptly. So I shouldn’t address the break up and just say we should take some space to think about things and so he can focus on his separation and then see? It kinda takes him off the hook for blowing up like that though.


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## Kerrbear

Tasorundo said:


> Kerrbear,
> 
> This is the best thing I can say about this, and any future relationship you have:
> 
> 
> 
> If they break up with you, let them.


Logically I know you’re right, it’s just hard to walk away. I need to hear this more.


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## Tasorundo

Here is a plan for you to see the truth about him (which is that he has a temper, he is controlling, and not a nice person):

Stop responding to him at all, he will either:

Be contrite and apologetic at which time you can work through what happened and evaluate a future. (not going to happen)

Be even more angry, lash out at you, and double break up.(most likely)


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## Kerrbear

Tasorundo said:


> Here is a plan for you to see the truth about him (which is that he has a temper, he is controlling, and not a nice person):
> 
> Stop responding to him at all, he will either:
> 
> Be contrite and apologetic at which time you can work through what happened and evaluate a future. (not going to happen)
> 
> Be even more angry, lash out at you, and double break up.(most likely)


Ok maybe I’ll try going no contact and see what happens. I have a feeling it’s the latter as well.


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## Diana7

When did he separate from his partner/wife?


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## SpinyNorman

Late to this thread, but in case you get back together explain that not every crime warrants the death penalty, and that every day reasonable couples deal with problems and don't break up and that he has to get w/ the program or else.

If he is willing to learn, make sure he knows how to register a complaint w/o going nuclear. If he really gets that angry over little stuff, he needs to do IC for anger management. And the next time he breaks up with you is the last time.


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## SpinyNorman

Andy1001 said:


> Was he married before and if so why did he divorce.
> You need to be very cautious with this guy, if at all possible try and find out has he ever been physically abusive to an ex.


Some places post court records and you can look up what court actions someone has been involved in.


> A friend of mine runs self defense classes at my gym for women who have been abused by their partners,and some of their stories started like yours. It would eventually become physical abuse, not just verbal.


Did you mean to type "could eventually" instead of "would eventually"? I'd agree that it could, but I don't think any of us can say for certain it "would".


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## Kerrbear

Diana7 said:


> When did he separate from his partner/wife?


It’s been two years now.


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## Kerrbear

SpinyNorman said:


> Andy1001 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Was he married before and if so why did he divorce.
> You need to be very cautious with this guy, if at all possible try and find out has he ever been physically abusive to an ex.
> 
> 
> 
> Some places post court records and you can look up what court actions someone has been involved in.
> 
> 
> 
> A friend of mine runs self defense classes at my gym for women who have been abused by their partners,and some of their stories started like yours. It would eventually become physical abuse, not just verbal.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Did you mean to type "could eventually" instead of "would eventually"? I'd agree that it could, but I don't think any of us can say for certain it "would".
Click to expand...

Oh wow you really think this is indicative of abuse? I see it more as immaturity but maybe I’m too naive.


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## Andy1001

SpinyNorman said:


> Some places post court records and you can look up what court actions someone has been involved in.
> Did you mean to type "could eventually" instead of "would eventually"? I'd agree that it could, but I don't think any of us can say for certain it "would".


I said “some” of their stories started like the op’s.


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## Kerrbear

SpinyNorman said:


> Late to this thread, but in case you get back together explain that not every crime warrants the death penalty, and that every day reasonable couples deal with problems and don't break up and that he has to get w/ the program or else.
> 
> If he is willing to learn, make sure he knows how to register a complaint w/o going nuclear. If he really gets that angry over little stuff, he needs to do IC for anger management. And the next time he breaks up with you is the last time.


Ok thank you. My ex used to irritate me And vice versa but we’d never threaten with divorce. I think he knows the behaviour is wrong too but he can’t admit it and say sorry which bothers me.


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## Kerrbear

I really appreciate all the replies and support 🤗He was making me second guess my feelings.

I’m thinking I’ll go no contact as was suggested. If he comes back with an apology and not more anger then I’ll try to work it out with him.


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## Emerging Buddhist




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## Oldtimer

KB, may I suggest you go back and read all your posts, then think of how you would counsel someone in this situation. Then read the posts of others, I bet it will be a real eye opener.

Hoping for a good outcome for you.

OT


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## SpinyNorman

Kerrbear said:


> Oh wow you really think this is indicative of abuse? I see it more as immaturity but maybe I’m too naive.


I thought the other guy was saying that but now I think he meant "sometimes" not "always". I agree w/ you.


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## SpinyNorman

Andy1001 said:


> I said “some” of their stories started like the op’s.


Sure, some abusers start out like him, other abusers start out different. 

What I wasn't clear on was whether you thought all people who start out like him wind up abusers. i wouldn't guess all of them do, but I don't know.


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## Kerrbear

SpinyNorman said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> Oh wow you really think this is indicative of abuse? I see it more as immaturity but maybe I’m too naive.
> 
> 
> 
> I thought the other guy was saying that but now I think he meant "sometimes" not "always". I agree w/ you.
Click to expand...

Gotcha 👍


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## Kerrbear

Oldtimer said:


> KB, may I suggest you go back and read all your posts, then think of how you would counsel someone in this situation. Then read the posts of others, I bet it will be a real eye opener.
> 
> Hoping for a good outcome for you.
> 
> OT


It’s easier to see the truth when you’re detached but I hear you. I haven’t spoken to him all day and already have a clearer head.


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## aine

Kerrbear said:


> Hi everyone, a little about myself..
> 
> Divorced 4 years and have been dating someone exclusively for 9 months now. I thought things were going well but the past month we’ve been arguing a lot lately.
> 
> For example, last week we were having a conversation on the phone and I got a little excited and interrupted him while he was speaking. He then abruptly says he’s done talking and hangs up. A text follows moments later saying that we’re done. He goes on to ignore me a few days and then later contacts me as if nothing happened. When I questioned him about it he says that he didn’t break up with me but was upset at how rude I was and that was the only way I’d listen to him. This issue was news to me as well, not some reoccurring thing.
> 
> I apologized for interrupting him but said his reaction was not appropriate and that it’s not a healthy way to solve conflict. He then gets angry and says again that we shouldn’t be together because I’m rude and inconsiderate. He also never admits fault or says sorry. I normally end up apologizing to end arguments even if he’s at fault.
> 
> I love this man and when things are good they’re good so I’m at a loss as to what to do.



RUN< RUN< RUN!!!!!! This man has a major problem, if it is like this when you are dating, can you imagine if you are married to him or living with him. He is emotionally abusive, this is what narcissists do. Men who must control . it will not get better!

BTW was he married before? What happened? Was this ever discussed?


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## aine

[


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## aine

Kerrbear said:


> He is stressed out- he’s dealing with his own separation now. I’m thinking all the arguing is his way of trying to get me to leave but then I asked him about this and he said no.


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## aine

Kerrbear said:


> It’s been two years now.


He told you this? Proceed with caution.

How did you meet him?

What did he say about his marriage?

Does he and his wife have kids?

Is he and his wife/kids still living in the same house?

I think you need to tread carefully, I think you do not have the whole picture as to who this man is.

Kerrbear, so he was still with his wife when you started dating? 
YOu have been together 9 months. I suspect he wasn't separated from his wife, he is stressed with handling her and you.
He obviously has problems with neediness, 'she didn't listen to him', you are not listening to him, the common denominator is him.

He may well be charming, loving etc now but the monster will appear further down the road. He doesn't yet realize (may never) that he is the problem not everyone else.

How are his relationships with his siblings, colleagues, friends (does he have any friends?).


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## Kerrbear

aine said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> It’s been two years now.
> 
> 
> 
> He told you this? Proceed with caution.
> 
> How did you meet him?
> Online
> 
> What did he say about his marriage?
> She was a workaholic and didn’t put effort into the marriage and she didn’t listen to him when he’d bring up issues.
> 
> Does he and his wife have kids?
> Yes.
> 
> Is he and his wife/kids still living in the same house?
> No he’s moved out and has a place with his kids.
> 
> I think you need to tread carefully, I think you do not have the whole picture as to who this man is.
> 
> Kerrbear, so he was still with his wife when you started dating?
> YOu have been together 9 months. I suspect he wasn't separated from his wife, he is stressed with handling her and you.
> He obviously has problems with neediness, 'she didn't listen to him', you are not listening to him, the common denominator is him.
> We met over a year after his separation. I get the sense it’s more an issue of disrespecting him vs neediness. He’s not a very needy person.
> 
> He may well be charming, loving etc now but the monster will appear further down the road. He doesn't yet realize (may never) that he is the problem not everyone else.
> 
> How are his relationships with his siblings, colleagues, friends (does he have any friends?).
> No siblings but he has a close knit group of friends
Click to expand...

Edit:Sorry this is hard to follow but I answered your questions in the quoted text above 😊


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## Kerrbear

Update: So I didn’t reply to him all day yesterday and at midnight he kept calling & texting saying he wanted to speak. I texted back that I’m not interested in talking if it’s to argue more and if he can’t see my issue with his behaviour. Well, he replies please pick up and if the conversation isn’t productive you can hang up. So I gave in and guess what? He not only did not apologize or express any remorse, he goes on to explain to me again how I was so rude and not empathetic for interrupting him when he spoke. He gets increasingly upset when I try to explain my point of view then breaks up again with me.


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## personofinterest

Kerrbear said:


> Update: So I didn’t reply to him all day yesterday and at midnight he kept calling & texting saying he wanted to speak. I texted back that I’m not interested in talking if it’s to argue more and if he can’t see my issue with his behaviour. Well, he replies please pick up and if the conversation isn’t productive you can hang up. So I gave in and guess what? He not only did not apologize or express any remorse, he goes on to explain to me again how I was so rude and not empathetic for interrupting him when he spoke. He gets increasingly upset when I try to explain my point of view then breaks up again with me.


He did you a favor by breaking up. Do not answer any of his attempts again.


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## Lila

Kerrbear said:


> Update: So I didn’t reply to him all day yesterday and at midnight he kept calling & texting saying he wanted to speak. I texted back that I’m not interested in talking if it’s to argue more and if he can’t see my issue with his behaviour. Well, he replies please pick up and if the conversation isn’t productive you can hang up. So I gave in and guess what? He not only did not apologize or express any remorse, he goes on to explain to me again how I was so rude and not empathetic for interrupting him when he spoke. He gets increasingly upset when I try to explain my point of view then breaks up again with me.


Why have you not blocked his phone number and removed him from your life? Are you enjoying the constant begging? 
Seriously, if you're done with him, be done with him.


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## Yeswecan

Kerrbear said:


> Hi everyone, a little about myself..
> 
> Divorced 4 years and have been dating someone exclusively for 9 months now. I thought things were going well but the past month we’ve been arguing a lot lately.
> 
> For example, last week we were having a conversation on the phone and I got a little excited and interrupted him while he was speaking. He then abruptly says he’s done talking and hangs up. A text follows moments later saying that we’re done. He goes on to ignore me a few days and then later contacts me as if nothing happened. When I questioned him about it he says that he didn’t break up with me but was upset at how rude I was and that was the only way I’d listen to him. This issue was news to me as well, not some reoccurring thing.
> 
> I apologized for interrupting him but said his reaction was not appropriate and that it’s not a healthy way to solve conflict. He then gets angry and says again that we shouldn’t be together because I’m rude and inconsiderate. He also never admits fault or says sorry. I normally end up apologizing to end arguments even if he’s at fault.
> 
> I love this man and when things are good they’re good so I’m at a loss as to what to do.


Your boyfriend needs anger management classes. Don't let your love for him let you loose sight of this problem.


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## Kerrbear

Lila said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> Update: So I didn’t reply to him all day yesterday and at midnight he kept calling & texting saying he wanted to speak. I texted back that I’m not interested in talking if it’s to argue more and if he can’t see my issue with his behaviour. Well, he replies please pick up and if the conversation isn’t productive you can hang up. So I gave in and guess what? He not only did not apologize or express any remorse, he goes on to explain to me again how I was so rude and not empathetic for interrupting him when he spoke. He gets increasingly upset when I try to explain my point of view then breaks up again with me.
> 
> 
> 
> Why have you not blocked his phone number and removed him from your life? Are you enjoying the constant begging?
> Seriously, if you're done with him, be done with him.
Click to expand...

I gave him a chance because I care about him. I wasn’t really done until our last conversation


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## Kerrbear

Yeswecan said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hi everyone, a little about myself..
> 
> Divorced 4 years and have been dating someone exclusively for 9 months now. I thought things were going well but the past month we’ve been arguing a lot lately.
> 
> For example, last week we were having a conversation on the phone and I got a little excited and interrupted him while he was speaking. He then abruptly says he’s done talking and hangs up. A text follows moments later saying that we’re done. He goes on to ignore me a few days and then later contacts me as if nothing happened. When I questioned him about it he says that he didn’t break up with me but was upset at how rude I was and that was the only way I’d listen to him. This issue was news to me as well, not some reoccurring thing.
> 
> I apologized for interrupting him but said his reaction was not appropriate and that it’s not a healthy way to solve conflict. He then gets angry and says again that we shouldn’t be together because I’m rude and inconsiderate. He also never admits fault or says sorry. I normally end up apologizing to end arguments even if he’s at fault.
> 
> I love this man and when things are good they’re good so I’m at a loss as to what to do.
> 
> 
> 
> Your boyfriend needs anger management classes. Don't let your love for him let you loose sight of this problem.
Click to expand...

It’s just unfortunate because we got along so well otherwise. I might have enabled by always apologizing to smooth things over.


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## Kerrbear

personofinterest said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> Update: So I didn’t reply to him all day yesterday and at midnight he kept calling & texting saying he wanted to speak. I texted back that I’m not interested in talking if it’s to argue more and if he can’t see my issue with his behaviour. Well, he replies please pick up and if the conversation isn’t productive you can hang up. So I gave in and guess what? He not only did not apologize or express any remorse, he goes on to explain to me again how I was so rude and not empathetic for interrupting him when he spoke. He gets increasingly upset when I try to explain my point of view then breaks up again with me.
> 
> 
> 
> He did you a favor by breaking up. Do not answer any of his attempts again.
Click to expand...

He did yes but that doesn’t make me feel better about this. I’ve blocked him so he can’t contact me anymore.


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## personofinterest

Kerrbear said:


> He did yes but that doesn’t make me feel better about this. I’ve blocked him so he can’t contact me anymore.


I know it hurts. I'm sorry you're having to go through it. But in the long run you will feel better. You don't deserve an angry man.


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## Tasorundo

I am very sorry, but is that not exactly what I said? Even down to the double breakup!


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## Kerrbear

Tasorundo said:


> I am very sorry, but is that not exactly what I said? Even down to the double breakup!


Yes it’s scary how accurate it was. Do you know this from experience?


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## Kerrbear

personofinterest said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> He did yes but that doesn’t make me feel better about this. I’ve blocked him so he can’t contact me anymore.
> 
> 
> 
> I know it hurts. I'm sorry you're having to go through it. But in the long run you will feel better. You don't deserve an angry man.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your kind words


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## Tasorundo

No, I am actually a man, married since I was 19 and now almost 44. However, I am pretty intuitive about people and good at figuring out what people tend to do. Given your descriptions, I felt pretty confident the guy was a jerk and it was going to go that way.

The double breakup thing is just icing on the cake.


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## StillSearching

HE is not the only common denominator in this scenario.
He very well may be an *SS, but I would not a have a woman that was rude and not empathetic for interrupting me when I spoke. 
Then not apologize for doing so, and just try to explain off her rudeness as well, instead.
Could you have possibly been wrong?
We believe that in reducing the scope and importance of our errors, we are properly humble; in truth, we are merely unwilling to bear the weight of our true responsibility....
Sounds like 2 peas in a pod to me....
Be glad he's gone.

“Intolerance of others’ views (no matter how ignorant or incoherent they may be) is not simply wrong; in a world where there is no right or wrong, it is worse: it is a sign you are embarrassingly unsophisticated or, possibly, dangerous.” JP

But like I said in the beginning.....He does not sound like any man I know.


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## Tasorundo

I feel that is a ridiculous take on this scenario. If he was bothered by her interrupting, there is a proper way to handle that. She even admitted that maybe he was right and she did interrupt. However, he blew up, talked down to her, and broke off a 9 month relationship rather than have a civil discussion.

Then, when he broke up, he kept contacting her and seems surprised she did not reply. Hello??? He broke up with her. Finally when she did respond, he went back to talking down to her and why she was wrong.

Good riddance.


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## StillSearching

Tasorundo said:


> I feel that is a ridiculous take on this scenario. If he was bothered by her interrupting, there is a proper way to handle that. She even admitted that maybe he was right and she did interrupt. However, he blew up, talked down to her, and broke off a 9 month relationship rather than have a civil discussion.
> 
> Then, when he broke up, he kept contacting her and seems surprised she did not reply. Hello??? He broke up with her. Finally when she did respond, he went back to talking down to her and why she was wrong.
> 
> Good riddance.


One should always look at themselves to see what could I have done better. 
If he actually said she's not empathetic.....I don't know a man that would say those words and not mean it. 
Do you?
2 peas in a pod.


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## Yeswecan

Kerrbear said:


> It’s just unfortunate because we got along so well otherwise. I might have enabled by always apologizing to smooth things over.


Do not blame yourself. Anger is in his make up and certainly has been there long before you started dating. No one called him out on it. Flipping out and then turn on the passive aggressive behavior is a problem he must deal with.


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## Kerrbear

StillSearching said:


> Tasorundo said:
> 
> 
> 
> I feel that is a ridiculous take on this scenario. If he was bothered by her interrupting, there is a proper way to handle that. She even admitted that maybe he was right and she did interrupt. However, he blew up, talked down to her, and broke off a 9 month relationship rather than have a civil discussion.
> 
> Then, when he broke up, he kept contacting her and seems surprised she did not reply. Hello??? He broke up with her. Finally when she did respond, he went back to talking down to her and why she was wrong.
> 
> Good riddance.
> 
> 
> 
> One should always look at themselves to see what could I have done better.
> If he actually said she's not empathetic.....I don't know a man that would say those words and not mean it.
> Do you?
> 2 peas in a pod.
Click to expand...

I did say sorry over the phone and felt so bad I started crying. He started laughing and told me to stop being overly dramatic. I may be chatty and irritating at best but I’m not umepathetic. I was going to forgive him (like I have been the past month) and take him back but something in my gut told me not to. He’s been increasingly argumentative this past month and it’s culminated in this. There have been a few other things that happened that I have not mentioned. If anything I think I have problems in letting people walk all over me and letting go.


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## personofinterest

StillSearching said:


> One should always look at themselves to see what could I have done better.
> If he actually said she's not empathetic.....I don't know a man that would say those words and not mean it.
> Do you?
> 2 peas in a pod.


I know it is difficult to comprehend.....

But there are times when it really ISN'T the woman's fault....


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## Tasorundo

StillSearching said:


> One should always look at themselves to see what could I have done better.
> If he actually said she's not empathetic.....I don't know a man that would say those words and not mean it.
> Do you?
> 2 peas in a pod.


Narcissists do it all the time.

So do controlling people. 

As well as gaslighters.


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## StillSearching

Kerrbear said:


> I did say sorry over the phone and felt so bad I started crying. He started laughing and told me to stop being overly dramatic. I may be chatty and irritating at best but I’m not umepathetic. I was going to forgive him (like I have been the past month) and take him back but something in my gut told me not to. He’s been increasingly argumentative this past month and it’s culminated in this. *There have been a few other things that happened that I have not mentioned*. If anything I think I have problems in letting people walk all over me and letting go.


Figured.


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## Kerrbear

Im trying hard right now not to contact him and take the fall just to make this work.


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## StillSearching

personofinterest said:


> I know it is difficult to comprehend.....
> 
> But there are times when it really ISN'T the OTHERS fault....


FIXT. This story was missing way too much and things didn't add up to me from the beginning. 
Sorry.


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## StillSearching

Kerrbear said:


> Im trying hard right now not to contact him and take the fall just to make this work.


I think this is best.


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## Kerrbear

StillSearching said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> I did say sorry over the phone and felt so bad I started crying. He started laughing and told me to stop being overly dramatic. I may be chatty and irritating at best but I’m not umepathetic. I was going to forgive him (like I have been the past month) and take him back but something in my gut told me not to. He’s been increasingly argumentative this past month and it’s culminated in this. *There have been a few other things that happened that I have not mentioned*. If anything I think I have problems in letting people walk all over me and letting go.
> 
> 
> 
> Figured.
Click to expand...

Yes he’s hung up on me mid sentence because he was tired once. A relative of mine died and he told me that I was being overly sensitive by getting so upset over it. If I didn’t text him back in time or answer a call because I was busy he’d get upset. Each and every time I apologized to keep the peace thinking he deserves a break because he’s stressed out from the separation.


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## Tasorundo

Kerr, read codependant no more, then start dating again.


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## Kerrbear

StillSearching said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> I know it is difficult to comprehend.....
> 
> But there are times when it really ISN'T the OTHERS fault....
> 
> 
> 
> FIXT. This story was missing way too much and things didn't add up to me from the beginning.
> Sorry.
Click to expand...

Why did you change personofinterest’s quote? They stated “the woman’s fault”.


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## StillSearching

Tasorundo said:


> Narcissists do it all the time.
> 
> So do controlling people.
> 
> As well as gaslighters.


I lived with a Narc for 25 years...I never once heard her use the term "Empathetic"
They can't even conceive of the term.
They surely don't know how to use it properly. 

Narcissists, Gaslighters, All the time, etc......
Don’t use language instrumentally.


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## Kerrbear

StillSearching said:


> Tasorundo said:
> 
> 
> 
> Narcissists do it all the time.
> 
> So do controlling people.
> 
> As well as gaslighters.
> 
> 
> 
> I lived with a Narc for 25 years...I never once heard her use the term "Empathetic"
> They can't even conceive of the term.
> They surely don't know how to use it properly.
> 
> Narcissists, Gaslighters, All the time, etc......
> Don’t use language instrumentally.
Click to expand...

He kept claiming his ex was a narc so not sure if that’s of any relevance.

I don’t think he was a narc though, that’s extreme. A little self centred maybe as he is an only child. When things went his way was he was a pleasure to be around


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## StillSearching

Kerrbear said:


> Why did you change personofinterest’s quote? They stated “the woman’s fault”.


Well, People here love to point fingers..and
Because if you expect your life to be better tomorrow than it is today, you must change the only thing you can.
Yourself. 
Ask yourself "What could I have done better" whether he's an ass or not. 
Or next time will be a repeat. 
"If you cannot understand why someone did something, look at the consequences—and infer the motivation" ..... Sounds like he wanted out.


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## Yeswecan

Kerrbear said:


> Yes he’s hung up on me mid sentence because he was tired once. A relative of mine died and he told me that I was being overly sensitive by getting so upset over it. If I didn’t text him back in time or answer a call because I was busy he’d get upset. Each and every time I apologized to keep the peace thinking he deserves a break because he’s stressed out from the separation.


That is controlling behavior. Kerrbear, cut ties and stop catering to his insecurities. He will not change and you won't change him.


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## Kerrbear

StillSearching said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> Why did you change personofinterest’s quote? They stated “the woman’s fault”.
> 
> 
> 
> Well, People here love to point fingers..and
> Because if you expect your life to be better tomorrow than it is today, you must change the only thing you can.
> Yourself.
> Ask yourself "What could I have done better" whether he's an ass or not.
> Or next time will be a repeat.
> "If you cannot understand why someone did something, look at the consequences—and infer the motivation" ..... Sounds like he wanted out.
Click to expand...

I’m not sure what. He never got upset until this past month. It’s not like I started acting differently either? I think he just wanted out too


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## Tasorundo

StillSearching said:


> Sounds like he wanted out.


I don't think he wanted out. He wanted to exert his control as the relationship was progressing. If she rebelled, he wants out. He wants what he wants, and he didn't get it, so he left.

She is now a mess feeling like it was her fault, and while I would guess she has some codependency issues and certainly has tolerated far more than she should have, it wasn't her fault.

Her only fault is that she did not end it the first time he was a jerk.

I am not sure what you are trying to prove here StillSearching.


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## Kerrbear

Tasorundo said:


> StillSearching said:
> 
> 
> 
> Sounds like he wanted out.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think he wanted out. He wanted to exert his control as the relationship was progressing. If she rebelled, he wants out. He wants what he wants, and he didn't get it, so he left.
> 
> She is now a mess feeling like it was her fault, and while I would guess she has some codependency issues and certainly has tolerated far more than she should have, it wasn't her fault.
> 
> Her only fault is that she did not end it the first time he was a jerk.
> 
> I am not sure what you are trying to prove here StillSearching.
Click to expand...

I guess I do. Keep thinking I’ll never meet anyone as great so I put up with a lot. I really did try to see his point of view but I can’t comprehend how me annoying him merits him dumping me like a piece of trash.


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## Tasorundo

The only reason I say he didn't want out, is why was he reaching out to you so much. Then when you gave in and responded, he proceeded to want to continue the relationship on his terms that you need to treat him better.

He wanted a foot stool. Was he always that way? Was it from hurt in his marriage? Who knows, but that is my opinion on his behavior.


So, Kerrbear, read that book, know that you have worth, and deserve to be treated as a person on equal footing with who ever you are dating.


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## StillSearching

Kerrbear said:


> I’m not sure what. He never got upset until this past month. It’s not like I started acting differently either? I think *he just wanted out* too


Your right he did. 
You probably do have codependency issues as well. 
Sometimes it's best to try and keep a broader view of your relationship.
It's easy to find people to tell you how terrible the other is on the internet.
But, no matter how good or bad or controlling it seems, There's only you who can fix you and make a better future.
Read " In sheeps Clothing" Learn how to spot and stop REAL narc behavior. 
I've read these books mentioned here as well. They are good. 
It's best it's over. 
It's time to work on you...Start by cleaning up, literally.

BTW, you wanting validation (Why can't you agree this guys an ass like everyone else here) for your anger by wanting to know why I changed that post, is a sign you have work to do.


----------



## Kerrbear

Tasorundo said:


> The only reason I say he didn't want out, is why was he reaching out to you so much. Then when you gave in and responded, he proceeded to want to continue the relationship on his terms that you need to treat him better.
> 
> He wanted a foot stool. Was he always that way? Was it from hurt in his marriage? Who knows, but that is my opinion on his behavior.
> 
> 
> So, Kerrbear, read that book, know that you have worth, and deserve to be treated as a person on equal footing with who ever you are dating.


He wasn’t always this way with me, only recently when things started to heat up in his divorce. Early on he kept telling me I’m too good for him and kept asking why I was with him. Ironically in the end I somehow wasn’t good enough.


----------



## Kerrbear

StillSearching said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> I’m not sure what. He never got upset until this past month. It’s not like I started acting differently either? I think *he just wanted out* too
> 
> 
> 
> Your right he did.
> You probably do have codependency issues as well.
> Sometimes it's best to try and keep a broader view of your relationship.
> It's easy to find people to tell you how terrible the other is on the internet.
> But, no matter how good or bad or controlling it seems, There's only you who can fix you and make a better future.
> Read " In sheeps Clothing" Learn how to spot and stop REAL narc behavior.
> I've read these books mentioned here as well. They are good.
> It's best it's over.
> It's time to work on you...Start by cleaning up, literally.
> 
> BTW, you wanting validation (Why can't you agree this guys an ass like everyone else here) for your anger by wanting to know why I changed that post, is a sign you have work to do.
Click to expand...

I asked if the what I did was horrible enough to merit his behaviour. I’m not asking the Internet to say he’s a bad person or tell me what I did wasn’t irritating. 

I wanted to know why you changed the quote because it seemed odd to do so vs just voice your own opinion.


----------



## personofinterest

You have realize some people's views are biased by a bad experience.

Based on what you posted, nothing indicates you are an unsympathetic person.


----------



## Yeswecan

Kerrbear said:


> I guess I do. Keep thinking I’ll never meet anyone as great so I put up with a lot. I really did try to see his point of view but I can’t comprehend how me annoying him merits him dumping me like a piece of trash.


I would much rather spend my time looking for someone great than spend time with a nut case. 

If you feel like a dumped piece of trash then it is time to move on.


----------



## StillSearching

Kerrbear said:


> I asked if the what I did was horrible enough to merit his behaviour. I’m not asking the Internet to say he’s a bad person or tell me what I did wasn’t irritating.
> 
> I wanted to know why you changed the quote because it seemed odd to do so vs just voice your own opinion.


It's done all the time to make a point. 
I'm glad you picked up on it.
"That I did was horrible enough to merit his behavior" Only you were there for that conversation. That's a tough call.
But hey...I'll be glad to call him an ass like everyone else....as if we were there.


----------



## Kerrbear

StillSearching said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> 
> I asked if the what I did was horrible enough to merit his behaviour. I’m not asking the Internet to say he’s a bad person or tell me what I did wasn’t irritating.
> 
> I wanted to know why you changed the quote because it seemed odd to do so vs just voice your own opinion.
> 
> 
> 
> It's done all the time to make a point.
> I'm glad you picked up on it.
> "That I did was horrible enough to merit his behavior" Only you were there for that conversation. That's a tough call.
> But hey...I'll be glad to call him an ass like everyone else....as if we were there.
Click to expand...

Lol. 

I don’t hate the guy I just don’t understand his point of view.


----------



## StillSearching

Kerrbear said:


> Lol.
> 
> I don’t hate the guy I just don’t understand his point of view.


He probably has something in his childhood that's unresolved.
Plus if women and men understood each other completely this world would be a boring planet. :grin2:


----------



## SpinyNorman

I'm sorry this didn't work out. I think you were sensible about the whole thing.

I will point out one aspect of the internet is that people tend to post things to make themselves look good, and you will see far more posts like "I wouldn't put up with this crap! Dump him!" than the other kind in any thread about an imperfect partner. At least now you don't have to wonder what would have happened if you'd tried to talk to him.


----------

