# Feeling Romantic Interest From ExHusband's Friend



## ake1490

So my ex (32M) and I (29F) have been divorced for almost a year. Things are decent between us right now. We have kids, split custody with rotating weekends and weeks and all that. It's complicated! 

Our kids are in the same grade and friends with kids whose parents we were friends with when they were together, they split a few years ago. Recently, I ran into their dad at a play rehearsal. We spent a few minutes catching up and he consoled me on the divorce, he'd heard a few months prior, and it felt genuine. We exchanged numbers because the school didn't have a complete list of all of the kids and we live kind of near each other so we can carpool if needed. 

We've been chatting more and more over the weeks, starting from what we'd exchanged numbers for but gradually texting throughout the day, even later at night and recently he started to get a little flirty late at night (nothing overly sexual, just veering into dirty pickup lines Lol) and things were great. Randomly, yesterday he told me about a place that he took his boys for dinner and they have what looked like a great lunch if I were ever interested. 

I hesitated because I knew he's asking me out and wasn't sure about dating one of my ex's friends. They still hang out, a few months ago my ex is the one who told him we'd divorced because he asked how I was doing, and I don't want things to be weird or cause a problem for my ex or this guy. 

On the other hand, we have a lot in common both from being divorced (and the ones who asked for the divorce because we weren't happy) to interpersonal stuff and similar interests and hobbies. He's also very attractive to me. 

Any advice on how to tiptoe here? Would it be best to not tell my ex? Let him find out through the grapevine? Or should I give him the head's up? BTW, I accepted lunch with him, we're getting lunch next Tuesday and I'm trying to think of how to explain that I want to date him but don't want him to lose a friend or cause a problem with my ex.


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## ConanHub

Why doesn't he talk to your ex about it?

It could be trouble.

Did your husband want to keep you?

Does he still love you?
I'm putting myself in your ex's place.

If my wife left me and I still loved her, I would be pretty upset about a divorce and I might get even more bent out of shape if my friend went after her.

Has your ex moved on?


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## *Deidre*

Personally, I wouldn’t do it. That’s like one of those unwritten rules, in my opinion.

But, if you go to lunch and you want to date each other, I think you should let your ex know. Not that you need his permission, but you still have to co-parent and you don’t want hostility should he find out from others.

My vote though is to not do it.😌


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## ake1490

ConanHub said:


> Why doesn't he talk to your ex about it?


I'm going to talk to him about this at lunch, what he thinks about it. Our attraction is pretty obvious but I don't know how or if he'd bring it up?



> Did your husband want to keep you?
> 
> Does he still love you?


I took him by surprise when I asked for a divorce but even his parents said he should have seen the signs. We weren't having sex, we had no us time together, we didn't do anything together but work, take care of the kids, eat dinner and go to bed. His hobbies had taken root and I was pushed aside. I presented him with what I wanted, either we split or we make some changes with how our lives were being run, including counselling. He chose divorce.



> I'm putting myself in your ex's place.
> 
> If my wife left me and I still loved her, I would be pretty upset about a divorce and I might get even more bent out of shape if my friend went after her.
> 
> Has your ex moved on?


He's been seen on dating apps by a few of my coworkers (it's how they found out we'd split up) but as far as I know, he's not told me about anyone he's been seeing and the kids haven't mentioned anyone else being at the house when he has them. 

Things are decent between us but he's not made any sort of indication that he'd like to reconcile. I love him as their dad but there's no attraction left for me.


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## ake1490

*Deidre* said:


> Personally, I wouldn’t do it. That’s like one of those unwritten rules, in my opinion.
> 
> But, if you go to lunch and you want to date each other, I think you should let your ex know. Not that you need his permission, but you still have to co-parent and you don’t want hostility should he find out from others.
> 
> My vote though is to not do it.😌


That's a pretty good point, it'd be kind of upsetting to him to find out like that and I guess the lesser of two evils coming from me that I'm seeing this guy he happens to be friends with. 

Do you think level of friendship matters? Like, if my ex got remarried, I don't think he'd be a groomsman. They're friends but not like best friends. Then again, I didn't know they were still talking because I never got the impression that my ex liked him that much so maybe I just don't understand how their relationship is. When they spent time together a few months ago and my ex told him that we'd split, it was the first time they'd seen each other in months. So how close can that be?


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## *Deidre*

ake1490 said:


> That's a pretty good point, it'd be kind of upsetting to him to find out like that and I guess the lesser of two evils coming from me that I'm seeing this guy he happens to be friends with.
> 
> Do you think level of friendship matters? Like, if my ex got remarried, I don't think he'd be a groomsman. They're friends but not like best friends. Then again, I didn't know they were still talking because I never got the impression that my ex liked him that much so maybe I just don't understand how their relationship is. When they spent time together a few months ago and my ex told him that we'd split, it was the first time they'd seen each other in months. So how close can that be?


If your ex doesn't have feelings for you anymore, then it may not matter. If he's not all that close to this friend, it may not matter, either. Yea, I think the level of friendship plays a big factor. Now, you're both divorced and can't ''control'' who each other dates, but it's just a respect thing, to me. I don't think I would feel comfortable dating a friend of my husband's if we split up.

Have you discussed your concerns with his friend?


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## frusdil

I really don't think this is a good idea at all. Out of all the men in the world, why does it have to be your ex's friend?


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## ake1490

*Deidre* said:


> If your ex doesn't have feelings for you anymore, then it may not matter. If he's not all that close to this friend, it may not matter, either. Yea, I think the level of friendship plays a big factor. Now, you're both divorced and can't ''control'' who each other dates, but it's just a respect thing, to me. I don't think I would feel comfortable dating a friend of my husband's if we split up.
> 
> Have you discussed your concerns with his friend?


I asked if it was cool with my ex that he was taking me to lunch and he said he hadn't asked but said he felt OK talking about it with him. So I don't know what that means? If he feels comfortable bringing it up to my ex, it tells me that he either doesn't see it as a problem or is OK with whichever way their friendship would go after it coming out? Or maybe I'm misinterpreting that? 

I feel comfortable with him in that sense because he's not just a friend of my ex but also was kind of a friend to both of us when he and his ex were together. I just fell out of touch with them because they split and we didn't hang around together after that, our social lives were pretty nonexistent for the last little while of my marriage.


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## ake1490

frusdil said:


> I really don't think this is a good idea at all. Out of all the men in the world, why does it have to be your ex's friend?


I don't think it's completely out of nowhere, people date who they know in a lot of cases. He and I knew each other for a while before this when we were both married. I never thought to act on it then, we were both married but liked hanging out due to similar interests.


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## manwithnoname

It’s going to look like the two of you were seeing each other before the divorce.

I can’t see your ex being ok with this.


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## D0nnivain

I'd mention to the EX. Be deliberate. Do not give the EX any sense that he gets veto power. This is just a heads up so he doesn't hear it somewhere else.


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## She'sStillGotIt

You don't need your ex's permission to have lunch with anyone.

Your husband had a choice - either divorce you or stop being a lousy, disengaged husband. He CHOSE to divorce you rather than man the hell up and put in any effort. You don't owe him squat.


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## Sfort

It seems clear that you're considering telling your husband for YOUR benefit, not for HIS benefit. There's validity to that thought. Without knowing you or him, it's hard to know the right answer. That being said, don't give up your future happiness for him. Take your time.


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## TexasMom1216

frusdil said:


> I really don't think this is a good idea at all. Out of all the men in the world, why does it have to be your ex's friend?


Especially if it’s the first relationship after divorce. Just asking for trouble, IMHO.


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## *Deidre*

ake1490 said:


> I asked if it was cool with my ex that he was taking me to lunch and he said he hadn't asked but said he felt OK talking about it with him. So I don't know what that means? If he feels comfortable bringing it up to my ex, it tells me that he either doesn't see it as a problem or is OK with whichever way their friendship would go after it coming out? Or maybe I'm misinterpreting that?
> 
> I feel comfortable with him in that sense because he's not just a friend of my ex but also was kind of a friend to both of us when he and his ex were together. I just fell out of touch with them because they split and we didn't hang around together after that, our social lives were pretty nonexistent for the last little while of my marriage.


Knowing more of this story, it sounds like he wasn't a close friend of your ex husband's. I would think if he was, maybe he'd (the friend) feel bad about dating you. Your ex seemed to be fine with you divorcing him, like that was his choice actually, so for him to get jealous and angry over you dating this guy would be a little hypocritical on his part.

In the end, it's up to you, but if you're asking the question, there must be something that you question yourself, if this would be appropriate or not. Trust your gut?


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## ake1490

manwithnoname said:


> It’s going to look like the two of you were seeing each other before the divorce.
> 
> I can’t see your ex being ok with this.


That's interesting but until we saw each other a few weeks ago now, I hadn't seen him in almost three years since he and his ex split up. My ex didn't mention seeing him or bring him around either. 

Do you think there's a difference between him being OK with it and him just accepting that his ex is going to date again? Is it the fact that it's someone he knows? I've read about marriages breaking up and one of the people dating their ex's sibling or something but that's not the case here.


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## ake1490

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You don't need your ex's permission to have lunch with anyone.
> 
> Your husband had a choice - either divorce you or stop being a lousy, disengaged husband. He CHOSE to divorce you rather than man the hell up and put in any effort. You don't owe him squat.


I want to put this on a gym shirt and wear it everywhere! Lol

Sometimes, part of my brain thinks like that. Maybe I'm still hurt about our marriage falling apart because he checked out of it when things got hard. It doesn't feel like revenge to me, this guy is a very nice person, I'd imagine someone more out to get some would have tried finding me the day he found out I was single. I don't think it's revenge. I think he sees an opportunity but not in a gross way, my mom said she thinks he found me attractive when we were friends and hanging out and is trying to see if there's something to a relationship with someone he's attracted to and has a lot in common. But mom also told me to go to lunch with him on Friday when he asked Lol


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## ake1490

Sfort said:


> It seems clear that you're considering telling your husband for YOUR benefit, not for HIS benefit. There's validity to that thought. Without knowing you or him, it's hard to know the right answer. That being said, don't give up your future happiness for him. Take your time.


I love the line "don't give up future happiness for him"! Thank you for that, it's a great reminder!


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## ake1490

TexasMom1216 said:


> Especially if it’s the first relationship after divorce. Just asking for trouble, IMHO.


Not my first attempt at a relationship. I tried online dating for about a month about six months after everything was final. Ex took the kids to my ex-in-law's for winter break so I had some down time. Went on two dates with a guy but didn't feel any sort of connection with him, it just felt like he was waiting for me to make a move on him the whole time. It's hard to figure out a connection with someone on an app and then try to hammer out a meeting time, some of the guys were really aggressive and pushy, it was like a part time job every night so I just stopped and figured I'd find time another time.

But to have someone approach me who I'm comfortable with and feel a connection with but with the drawback being that he and my ex are friends, that's what I'm trying to thread.


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## TexasMom1216

ake1490 said:


> But to have someone approach me who I'm comfortable with and feel a connection with but with the drawback being that he and my ex are friends, that's what I'm trying to thread.


Ah, I see. Yeah it's hard sometimes to know. I usually rely on instincts for that kind of thing; if it feels sketchy then at the very least proceed with extreme caution. It's so hard to know, though, right? Especially if you're still smarting from your divorce, you may not trust your instincts yet. It's tough, I wish I was more help. 😟


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## ake1490

D0nnivain said:


> I'd mention to the EX. Be deliberate. Do not give the EX any sense that he gets veto power. This is just a heads up so he doesn't hear it somewhere else.





*Deidre* said:


> Knowing more of this story, it sounds like he wasn't a close friend of your ex husband's. I would think if he was, maybe he'd (the friend) feel bad about dating you. Your ex seemed to be fine with you divorcing him, like that was his choice actually, so for him to get jealous and angry over you dating this guy would be a little hypocritical on his part.
> 
> In the end, it's up to you, but if you're asking the question, there must be something that you question yourself, if this would be appropriate or not. Trust your gut?


So an update without me reading these advices because I've been out today Lol (also I'm just going to call my ex's friend Steve to make it easier for me to refer to him because I'm confusing even myself Lol):

I let Steve know earlier that I've thought about it and I want to let my ex know ahead of time, whether he felt he wanted to tell him or if he wanted to let me. Steve said he felt that my ex would take it easier from me and confessed that they really didn't hang out much, that apparently their last time hanging out was a bunch of them together for one of their other friend's bachelor parties and Steve said he was just making small talk because there was nothing going on, he had no idea that we were split and said that he hasn't even really talked to my ex much since. So! That made it a little easier for me, since Steve confessed that he didn't feel that he would be losing much of a friend. 

When I picked the kids up I asked if I could talk to my ex outside for a few minutes. I told him that things had been good between us lately and in trying to keep that going, I wanted to be up front with him and let him know so he didn't hear any kind of rumor. I gave him the quick version of how Steve and I started talking and that we were going to get lunch together sometime next week, just the two of us. My ex didn't look happy about it, he has this weird facial expression where his lips get real small and he blinks a lot when he gets information he doesn't like, but he nodded and said that Steve had asked about me and that must have been what he was getting at. I told him it wasn't like that but he said it was fine. I tried to explain but he said we'd talk another time, to date who I want. He said I should take the kids and go and I did a little while later. 

He texted Steve after I left that he was a **** and that he didn't want to hang around him anymore but Steve reassured me that they're not that great of friends anyway. Steve offered to talk to him but I said to let him cool down. I'm kind of upset but I guess it could have gone worse. I know my ex isn't a violent man or anything, I'm not so worried about anything like that, it's just that I'd hoped it wouldn't go that bad. I asked Steve if he still wanted to get lunch and he said he definitely does so I guess that's something to look forward to. 

Did I handle it OK? Obviously like some guessed, my ex was pissed off, but I think I could have told him anyone and he'd have been upset about it.


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## D0nnivain

You handled it fine. Enjoy your date with Steve


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## *Deidre*

ake1490 said:


> So an update without me reading these advices because I've been out today Lol (also I'm just going to call my ex's friend Steve to make it easier for me to refer to him because I'm confusing even myself Lol):
> 
> I let Steve know earlier that I've thought about it and I want to let my ex know ahead of time, whether he felt he wanted to tell him or if he wanted to let me. Steve said he felt that my ex would take it easier from me and confessed that they really didn't hang out much, that apparently their last time hanging out was a bunch of them together for one of their other friend's bachelor parties and Steve said he was just making small talk because there was nothing going on, he had no idea that we were split and said that he hasn't even really talked to my ex much since. So! That made it a little easier for me, since Steve confessed that he didn't feel that he would be losing much of a friend.
> 
> When I picked the kids up I asked if I could talk to my ex outside for a few minutes. I told him that things had been good between us lately and in trying to keep that going, I wanted to be up front with him and let him know so he didn't hear any kind of rumor. I gave him the quick version of how Steve and I started talking and that we were going to get lunch together sometime next week, just the two of us. My ex didn't look happy about it, he has this weird facial expression where his lips get real small and he blinks a lot when he gets information he doesn't like, but he nodded and said that Steve had asked about me and that must have been what he was getting at. I told him it wasn't like that but he said it was fine. I tried to explain but he said we'd talk another time, to date who I want. He said I should take the kids and go and I did a little while later.
> 
> He texted Steve after I left that he was a **** and that he didn't want to hang around him anymore but Steve reassured me that they're not that great of friends anyway. Steve offered to talk to him but I said to let him cool down. I'm kind of upset but I guess it could have gone worse. I know my ex isn't a violent man or anything, I'm not so worried about anything like that, it's just that I'd hoped it wouldn't go that bad. I asked Steve if he still wanted to get lunch and he said he definitely does so I guess that's something to look forward to.
> 
> Did I handle it OK? Obviously like some guessed, my ex was pissed off, but I think I could have told him anyone and he'd have been upset about it.


You handled it great! Well, sounds like your ex husband still has feelings. I hope you enjoy your lunch.


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## DownByTheRiver

ake1490 said:


> So my ex (32M) and I (29F) have been divorced for almost a year. Things are decent between us right now. We have kids, split custody with rotating weekends and weeks and all that. It's complicated!
> 
> Our kids are in the same grade and friends with kids whose parents we were friends with when they were together, they split a few years ago. Recently, I ran into their dad at a play rehearsal. We spent a few minutes catching up and he consoled me on the divorce, he'd heard a few months prior, and it felt genuine. We exchanged numbers because the school didn't have a complete list of all of the kids and we live kind of near each other so we can carpool if needed.
> 
> We've been chatting more and more over the weeks, starting from what we'd exchanged numbers for but gradually texting throughout the day, even later at night and recently he started to get a little flirty late at night (nothing overly sexual, just veering into dirty pickup lines Lol) and things were great. Randomly, yesterday he told me about a place that he took his boys for dinner and they have what looked like a great lunch if I were ever interested.
> 
> I hesitated because I knew he's asking me out and wasn't sure about dating one of my ex's friends. They still hang out, a few months ago my ex is the one who told him we'd divorced because he asked how I was doing, and I don't want things to be weird or cause a problem for my ex or this guy.
> 
> On the other hand, we have a lot in common both from being divorced (and the ones who asked for the divorce because we weren't happy) to interpersonal stuff and similar interests and hobbies. He's also very attractive to me.
> 
> Any advice on how to tiptoe here? Would it be best to not tell my ex? Let him find out through the grapevine? Or should I give him the head's up? BTW, I accepted lunch with him, we're getting lunch next Tuesday and I'm trying to think of how to explain that I want to date him but don't want him to lose a friend or cause a problem with my ex.


There's a billion men in the world, so why date the one with the most complications that could create the most chaos?


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## manwithnoname

You handled it just fine, by being straight up.

Is it possible Steve is downplaying how close they were, to not hurt his chances with you?

Just wondering that because of your ex’s reaction.


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## SunCMars

frusdil said:


> I really don't think this is a good idea at all. Out of all the men in the world, why does it have to be your ex's friend?


Why?

Compatibility is not prevalent in society.

When you find someone who is compatible, why not make your play.

If it does not work out, then at least you tried.

The ex does not get a say in any of this.

It is your life, you are single and free.
Do what seems right for you and your children.


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## BecauseSheWeeps

ake1490 said:


> So my ex (32M) and I (29F) have been divorced for almost a year. Things are decent between us right now. We have kids, split custody with rotating weekends and weeks and all that. It's complicated!
> 
> Our kids are in the same grade and friends with kids whose parents we were friends with when they were together, they split a few years ago. Recently, I ran into their dad at a play rehearsal. We spent a few minutes catching up and he consoled me on the divorce, he'd heard a few months prior, and it felt genuine. We exchanged numbers because the school didn't have a complete list of all of the kids and we live kind of near each other so we can carpool if needed.
> 
> We've been chatting more and more over the weeks, starting from what we'd exchanged numbers for but gradually texting throughout the day, even later at night and recently he started to get a little flirty late at night (nothing overly sexual, just veering into dirty pickup lines Lol) and things were great. Randomly, yesterday he told me about a place that he took his boys for dinner and they have what looked like a great lunch if I were ever interested.
> 
> I hesitated because I knew he's asking me out and wasn't sure about dating one of my ex's friends. They still hang out, a few months ago my ex is the one who told him we'd divorced because he asked how I was doing, and I don't want things to be weird or cause a problem for my ex or this guy.
> 
> On the other hand, we have a lot in common both from being divorced (and the ones who asked for the divorce because we weren't happy) to interpersonal stuff and similar interests and hobbies. He's also very attractive to me.
> 
> Any advice on how to tiptoe here? Would it be best to not tell my ex? Let him find out through the grapevine? Or should I give him the head's up? BTW, I accepted lunch with him, we're getting lunch next Tuesday and I'm trying to think of how to explain that I want to date him but don't want him to lose a friend or cause a problem with my ex.


If he is your exs friend, he should be talking to your ex first


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## Captain Obvious

You've done nothing wrong but I don't see this ending well. Your ex-husband and Steve were hanging out a bachelor party talking about how your ex and you were now divorced. Next thing your ex knows is the dude he was discussing his divorce with is now asking his ex-wife out on a date. If your mom noticed that Steve found you attractive back then, chances are your ex-husband noticed as well. According to Steve now, him and your ex were never good friends really, is that the truth or is because you are available now? I'd bet cash money at the bachelor party they were shaking hands, hugging and being broskies for life bc of their bond by divorce. Basically I see drama in your future, especially if you and Steve become closer and he becomes closer to your kids.


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## Rob_1

I'm my opinion you shouldn't give squats what your ex's opinion or feelings about it might be.

You want to go to lunch, dinner, have sex, date the dude to see what might come out of it, then do it. 
Screw what anyone, specially your ex thinks about. 

There's only one life to live. Live it.


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## Rob_1

I just saw your update. And I wonder why? I mean why do you have to get your ex's input or give him the ups and ups about it. You don't own him anything. Nothing at all. So, I don't get your concerns about letting him know. Be your own person. He shouldn't be any of your concern as far as your romantic life anymore.


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## frusdil

SunCMars said:


> Why?
> 
> Compatibility is not prevalent in society.
> 
> When you find someone who is compatible, why not make your play.
> 
> If it does not work out, then at least you tried.
> 
> *The ex does not get a say in any of this.*
> 
> It is your life, you are single and free.
> Do what seems right for you and your children.


I didn't say the ex gets a say, I just said I thought it was a bad idea.

OP for what its worth, I agree that you don't owe your ex a thing. He left you. He dumped and abandoned you therefore losing all rights to an opinion on your life. I just feel that this is a really bad idea, and you're opening yourself up for a whole lot of drama.


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## SunCMars

Fear only those men who prove to be fearsome.


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## SunCMars

frusdil said:


> I really don't think this is a good idea at all. Out of all the men in the world, why does it have to be your ex's friend?


Why?

This man knows our lady poster.
He is not a stranger.
He is a known quantity.

This man knows our lady poster.
He knows her, he likes her and desires her, as is.
She likes him.

Um.

I like this.
I like you, but I differ, dither here.


_The Typist-_


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## Dictum Veritas

Once upon a time in the late 80s, I dated a girl, we split amicably. A while later I join my friends at a restaurant and there is my ex sitting next to my good friend, PDA galore, kissing and hanging onto each-other. I felt instant rage and hate, shot them a murderous look and left with them still giggling and entwined.

That was the end of that years long friendship and the amicable split turned into something hateful and to this day I can't stand the sight of either of them and the memory of seeing them like that pops up every now and then. Had it been another man, I would have thought that she had just moved on, but my friend? The disrespect from both of them was never and will never be forgiven.

You have kids, please continue down this road and make co-parenting hell for the next however many years.


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## sideways

Obviously this guy is NOT a "friend" of your ex. Friends don't do what he's doing. 

This should tell you a lot about who this guy is. If he has no problem screwing over a friend he'll have no problem screwing over you.


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## Angie?or…

Your ex chose divorce. He showed your feelings don’t matter to him; why should you worry about his? It’s none of his business or concern who you date! If you think this man can make you happy, go for it! The ex destroyed your happiness once, why allow him to do it again? Your life is your own now.


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## DownByTheRiver

I agree with Dictum up there. The kind of emotions this can ignite is a potential house fire that can affect all of you going forward in a very negative way.


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## ake1490

manwithnoname said:


> You handled it just fine, by being straight up.
> 
> Is it possible Steve is downplaying how close they were, to not hurt his chances with you?
> 
> Just wondering that because of your ex’s reaction.


Thank you! I don't think he's downplaying it, we were up pretty late last night talking. Steve said that he asked my ex about me in a way of making small talk, everyone was just talking and complaining about work and stuff so he asked my ex if we'd gone away to spring break at my ex's parent's cabin up by the lake. My ex said they hadn't and that we'd split about a year ago. Steve's telling of the story it makes sense to me. My ex doesn't talk about his feelings with people. Steve said he told him that it was tough and if he needed to talk, he was there and my ex apparently said there wasn't much to talk about (because he looks bad). Steve said their conversation basically ended there and I believe him when he says it. 

My ex's reaction doesn't surprise me. I don't think he'd processed that we're divorced and now he's kind of having to because of this. He doesn't know I went on two dates six months after everything was finalized when he was away with the kids. This time I know it's different so I wanted to include him and he's now realizing that other guys might be interested in me.


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## ake1490

Rob_1 said:


> I just saw your update. And I wonder why? I mean why do you have to get your ex's input or give him the ups and ups about it. You don't own him anything. Nothing at all. So, I don't get your concerns about letting him know. Be your own person. He shouldn't be any of your concern as far as your romantic life anymore.


I felt like it appropriate because I thought Steve and my ex had a better relationship than they actually had I guess. They got along well when we were all married and hanging together with the kids and I'd heard they were still friends after my ex and I split. I just thought that because there's a possibility of something possibly happening that he should hear it from me before he heard rumors or something.


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## Rob_1

ake1490 said:


> I felt like it appropriate because I thought Steve and my ex had a better relationship than they actually had I guess. They got along well when we were all married and hanging together with the kids and I'd heard they were still friends after my ex and I split. I just thought that because there's a possibility of something possibly happening that he should hear it from me before he heard rumors or something.


That's the thing. I really can't understand why just because a person of interest is or was one's ex's friend, one has to feel obligated to the ex. You say "something possibly happening", what does that means? if your ex is a violent, irascible individual prone to sudden violent behavior, wouldn't it be better for him not knowing? 

This so called "code" of no dating a friend of an ex is ridiculously to me. If I divorce my wife, and for some reason I get interested in her bestie and she corresponds my advances, then I could care less what my ex wife would say or feel. I live my life for me, not for the opinions or feelings of others.


----------



## Deejo

All you can do, is what you believe to be right, and you did. You delivered the message.
You have absolutely no control over what your ex hears in the message, or what he does with the information after the fact.

His reaction is understandably and confusingly human. Mother of my kids and I get along great. But, to relate to your story, I remember back in 2012, I had been out of the house since 2008. Ex was over dropping the kids off, and she came across a gift my GF at the time had given me. It was a compass keychain, and on the back she had inscribed, "thank you for finding me" My ex's face went dark. 
Her: "Does she love you?"
Me: "She does."
Her: "Do you love her?"
Me: "I do."

She threw down the keychain, stormed out of the house and drove away. Another fun fact? Ex was in a relationship. Had been with her partner off and on for 3 years at that point.
She later apologized for her behavior. She said, in that moment it made her reflect on what we had, and what we had lost, and it was just hard for her to actually hear that I loved someone else.

I'm not indicating that lunch with Steve leads to love. I am saying that your ex's response is not unusual, and you can think you have done everything 'right' by being fair and honest, and still, none of that may matter.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

I disagree with everyone saying that getting involved with a friend, even a distant one of her ex-husband is okay in the least. This is not a divorce since she will be forcing her presence back into his circle or destroying the circle which he thought to be his safe place.

This is looking for resentment to always be present. They have kids and if OP is looking for a contentious co-parenting relationship that will damage the kids to occur, then by all means, O'l Stevie is the guy for her. Not a good choice for her kids though, but who cares these days as long as the right tingles are felt, right?

Literally any other man who they had no prior relationship with would have been no such lifelong issue.


----------



## ake1490

Deejo said:


> All you can do, is what you believe to be right, and you did. You delivered the message.
> You have absolutely no control over what your ex hears in the message, or what he does with the information after the fact.
> 
> His reaction is understandably and confusingly human. Mother of my kids and I get along great. But, to relate to your story, I remember back in 2012, I had been out of the house since 2008. Ex was over dropping the kids off, and she came across a gift my GF at the time had given me. It was a compass keychain, and on the back she had inscribed, "thank you for finding me" My ex's face went dark.
> Her: "Does she love you?"
> Me: "She does."
> Her: "Do you love her?"
> Me: "I do."
> 
> She threw down the keychain, stormed out of the house and drove away. Another fun fact? Ex was in a relationship. Had been with her partner off and on for 3 years at that point.
> She later apologized for her behavior. She said, in that moment it made her reflect on what we had, and what we had lost, and it was just hard for her to actually hear that I loved someone else.
> 
> I'm not indicating that lunch with Steve leads to love. I am saying that your ex's response is not unusual, and you can think you have done everything 'right' by being fair and honest, and still, none of that may matter.


I think this was the first time my ex faced the idea that other people might find me attractive and act on it. He's been spotted by coworkers on dating apps but I don't know if he's dated or not and I don't mind, I'm not attracted to him anymore. But I think his reaction is totally understandable, I wish it had gone better, I just felt that I wanted to be up front with him because of the possible delicate nature of it.


----------



## TexasMom1216

ake1490 said:


> I think this was the first time my ex faced the idea that other people might find me attractive and act on it. He's been spotted by coworkers on dating apps but I don't know if he's dated or not and I don't mind, I'm not attracted to him anymore. But I think his reaction is totally understandable, I wish it had gone better, I just felt that I wanted to be up front with him because of the possible delicate nature of it.


I'm sorry, it seems like there's no winning. My grandmother said, do the best you can for as long as you can and then save yourself. I don't think I'd date a friend of my ex, BUT I'm not in your position and won't ever be, so I'm not going to judge. As long as your children are ok, do what makes you happy.


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## ake1490

Rob_1 said:


> That's the thing. I really can't understand why just because a person of interest is or was one's ex's friend, one has to feel obligated to the ex. You say "something possibly happening", what does that means? if your ex is a violent, irascible individual prone to sudden violent behavior, wouldn't it be better for him not knowing?
> 
> This so called "code" of no dating a friend of an ex is ridiculously to me. If I divorce my wife, and for some reason I get interested in her bestie and she corresponds my advances, then I could care less what my ex wife would say or feel. I live my life for me, not for the opinions or feelings of others.


Oh I think I wasn't clear about something, I'm sorry! 

"Something possibly happening" meant between Steve and I and whatever might come of our relationship.

I appreciate where you're coming from but I thought with them being as close as I thought they were that my ex hearing it from me before one of their mutual friends who might have heard it from his wife or something and having it blown out of proportion wouldn't be the worst thing. Despite our marriage ending and any relationship aside from the health of our kids being gone, I want him to be happy and not get third-hand information.


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## ake1490

Dictum Veritas said:


> Yep, the tingles are too strong to even consider her children here.


I'm sorry someone hurt you in the past but it wasn't me.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

ake1490 said:


> I'm sorry someone hurt you in the past but it wasn't me.


But you are going to blow your co-parenting relationship with your ex out of the water. You are going to make an enemy of him and your children will suffer the consequences.


----------



## Rob_1

Dictum Veritas said:


> But you are going to blow your co-parenting relationship with your ex out of the water. You are going to make an enemy of him and your children will suffer the consequences.


Sorry, Dictum, but you are way out of the left field on this. You just are.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Rob_1 said:


> Sorry, Dictum, but you are way out of the left field on this. You just are.


That's your opinion, I have 2 people I won't pee on if they were on fire because of something exactly like this. I can guarantee you, I'm not the odd man out here and I'm bringing direct life experience to the table. You?


----------



## MattMatt

DownByTheRiver said:


> There's a billion men in the world, so why date the one with the most complications that could create the most chaos?


Because 99.999999% of the billion men in the world are nowhere near her?


----------



## Rob_1

Dictum Veritas said:


> That's your opinion, I have 2 people I won't pee on if they were on fire because of something exactly like this. I can guarantee you, I'm not the odd man out here and I'm bringing direct life experience to the table. You?


You or anybody can't hold anyone hostage to your wishes and resentments, or demand/impose your point of view, unless you bring a weapon.
We all have the right to our own existence, and choose a mate whether it's to your liking or not.

If tomorrow I were to divorce my wife and wanted to marry her sister, and her sister wanted it too, but her whole family were against it it wouldn't matter to Me, I would do what is it that I want for my life.

You are entitled to get as upset and against it as you wish, that doesn't mean that I, or anyone else have to abide by your demands or oppositions. 

So can OP. If she wishes to pursue this relationship with the ex's friend, she's entitled to do as she wishes over whatever objections her ex might have. Her life, her choice, regardless.


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## DownByTheRiver

MattMatt said:


> Because 99.999999% of the billion men in the world are nowhere near her?


It may seem convenient today, but it's liable to blow up in her face tomorrow.


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## Dictum Veritas

Rob_1 said:


> You or anybody can't hold anyone hostage to your wishes and resentments, or demand/impose your point of view, unless you bring a weapon.
> We all have the right to our own existence, and choose a mate whether it's to your liking or not.
> 
> If tomorrow I were to divorce my wife and wanted to marry her sister, and her sister wanted it too, but her whole family were against it it wouldn't matter to Me, I would do what is it that I want for my life.
> 
> You are entitled to get as upset and against it as you wish, that doesn't mean that I, or anyone else have to abide by your demands or oppositions.
> 
> So can OP. If she wishes to pursue this relationship with the ex's friend, she's entitled to do as she wishes over whatever objections her ex might have. Her life, her choice, regardless.


OP can do what she wishes and so can you. I merely pointed out the very real and very possible consequence of the choice.

We can all do what we want to, but we all have to face the consequences of our choices.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Dictum Veritas said:


> That's your opinion, I have 2 people I won't pee on if they were on fire because of something exactly like this. I can guarantee you, I'm not the odd man out here and I'm bringing direct life experience to the table. You?


I wasn't even married, and friends sleeping with an ex of mine caused me a lot of problems, and they were old friends, and I got rid of both of them. And I still was tripping over the ex during my career. Oh, yes, it causes a lot of chaos. Can't even imagine if kids are involved and other people in common. Remember, it's not just about having sex. They talk about you, betray you in more ways than one.


----------



## Angie?or…

The ex told her that she and their marriage weren’t worth working for. Now he needs to put on his big boy pants and get over the fact that someone else actually sees value in her. HE needs to consider his kids, and wish her well. He’s too old for tantrums. If he can’t behave like an adult, that’s on him, not her.


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## Dictum Veritas

Angie?or… said:


> The ex told her that she and their marriage weren’t worth working for. Now he needs to put on his big boy pants and get over the fact that someone else actually sees value in her. HE needs to consider his kids, and wish her well. He’s too old for tantrums. If he can’t behave like an adult, that’s on him, not her.


Sorry, but if I had kids with the ex of mine I mentioned earlier, all drop-offs and pick ups would have been through a third party etc. and no-one would have dared tell me to put big boy pants on or anything of the sort.


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## ake1490

I feel like there's a lot of built up resentment in some of the advice being given. I'm empathetic to your situations because I've been hurt in relationships too. I lost my husband to a Playstation and home brewing beer. He decided his hobbies were more important than his wife's happiness and the relationship we had together. Everyone needs hobbies but what about the person you're in a relationship with? I didn't want a divorce. But after fights, more fights, still more fights and then not speaking to each other for weeks at a time, him refusing counselling, I decided to do something for myself. He chose divorce over making some temporary life changes and counselling. 

What's the cutoff for dating someone? I live in a decent sized city but I'm now a single mom with kids half the time, a full time job and a volunteer weekend thing. I didn't jump on Steve before the ink was dry, nor did he jump on me. He assumed that his friend would tell him about this life-altering news and when he didn't, and realized that he and this friend weren't really the friends he thought they were and hadn't connected for real in years, he figured the friendship was over. Steve didn't jump on me then either, it was months after the fact and it's not like he showed up at my place either, we met by happenstance at a school event with our kids, remembered good times together and exchanged numbers. And even then, the flirting didn't happen for a few weeks. 

I thank people for their advice but I think there's a lot of projection going on in here. 

BTW, lunch went great. We talked about almost everything but my ex. My ex texted me tonight wanting to drop the kids off this weekend at our normal time and sent me a picture of a drawing my daughter made at school. No bitterness, no swears, no threats or anything. Maybe he's more mature than I thought!


----------



## Diana7

sideways said:


> Obviously this guy is NOT a "friend" of your ex. Friends don't do what he's doing.
> 
> This should tell you a lot about who this guy is. If he has no problem screwing over a friend he'll have no problem screwing over you.


From what has been said they are not close friends at all. Plus how is he screwing him over? Her ex didn't want her any more, she is free and single now.


----------



## Diana7

He


Angie?or… said:


> The ex told her that she and their marriage weren’t worth working for. Now he needs to put on his big boy pants and get over the fact that someone else actually sees value in her. HE needs to consider his kids, and wish her well. He’s too old for tantrums. If he can’t behave like an adult, that’s on him, not her.


 He is probably annoyed that another guy is interested in her so soon. That's his problem though not hers.


----------



## Diana7

Rob_1 said:


> You or anybody can't hold anyone hostage to your wishes and resentments, or demand/impose your point of view, unless you bring a weapon.
> We all have the right to our own existence, and choose a mate whether it's to your liking or not.
> 
> If tomorrow I were to divorce my wife and wanted to marry her sister, and her sister wanted it too, but her whole family were against it it wouldn't matter to Me, I would do what is it that I want for my life.
> 
> You are entitled to get as upset and against it as you wish, that doesn't mean that I, or anyone else have to abide by your demands or oppositions.
> 
> So can OP. If she wishes to pursue this relationship with the ex's friend, she's entitled to do as she wishes over whatever objections her ex might have. Her life, her choice, regardless.


I think a sister is very different from a friend, and not a close one either. I definitely wouldn't end my marriage and date my exes brother. That's a step too far for me.


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## Captain Obvious

OP, you are a grown woman, you can date whomever you want, and you don't owe your ex anything. But just keep this in mind, one of the undisputed facts of the universe is that men don't like their male friends and acquaintances to date or have sexual relations with their exes. I'm not supporting or opposing that statement, I'm just saying it's a fact of life. This will probably cause you drama, you are just going to have to decide how much drama you want to deal with.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

You are rolling the dice OP and betting the happiness of your kids on the roll. I hope the number that comes up favors you and your husband is not as cold hearted of a basteeg as I am towards people who betray me (and make no mistake I consider dating inside the circle of friends a betrayal) or holds this particular grudge as long (I have since the late 80s).

Let's hope your husband is not like me, for the sake of your children.

Personally I find this roll of the dice reckless.


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## MattMatt

It's clear that some people in this thread are projecting their own experiences onto the OP and her situation. Which is not helpful.

It's quite possible that her ex wouldn't be happy with her dating anyone, let alone someone he knows.

I dated a woman for a short period of time and she dumped me. She did this because, as she told mutual friends "I was far too nice to her."

Several years later I met the woman I am married to.

By a weird coincidence she was the best friend of my ex from their school days. Who became angry with me and my new girlfriend for dating each other.

She seemed to resent the fact that I was dating anyone, never mind a friend of hers.


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## Dictum Veritas

MattMatt said:


> It's clear that some people in this thread are projecting their own experiences onto the OP and her situation. Which is not helpful.


Note taken, but if it were not for personal experiences and subjective advice, what use is any advice, but for speculation? Matters of the heart are by nature subjective after all. Is it not wise to use true world experience and feelings as warning signs as to what can possibly be expected as we make our choices going forward?

It is unfortunate that true feelings sometimes present themselves as less than diplomatic, but a raw nerve is not concerned with diplomacy, only with yelling out a warning as loudly as it can.


----------



## MattMatt

Dictum Veritas said:


> Note taken, but if it were not for personal experiences and subjective advice, what use is any advice, but for speculation? Is it not wise to use true world experience and feelings as warning signs as to what can possibly be expected as we make our choices going forward?
> 
> It is unfortunate that true feelings sometimes present themselves as less than diplomatic, but a raw nerve is not concerned with diplomacy, only with yelling out a warning as loudly as it can.


Due to accidentally pressing send, there was a delay in my full post being published.

I have experienced the dog in the manger attitude from an ex before. They can't be happy with you, but they don't want you to be happy without them.


----------



## ConanHub

frusdil said:


> I didn't say the ex gets a say, I just said I thought it was a bad idea.
> 
> OP for what its worth, I agree that you don't owe your ex a thing. He left you. He dumped and abandoned you therefore losing all rights to an opinion on your life. I just feel that this is a really bad idea, and you're opening yourself up for a whole lot of drama.


Actually she left her husband.


----------



## ConanHub

Dictum Veritas said:


> But you are going to blow your co-parenting relationship with your ex out of the water. You are going to make an enemy of him and your children will suffer the consequences.


I don't know OP's husband so I have to go on what she reveals about him.

It might be a very bad outcome if my wife left me when our kids were still at home and then started dating a friend of mine, even one who wasn't that close.

I'm not her husband though and this might just be regular pains associated with getting a divorce and moving on.


----------



## ConanHub

ake1490 said:


> I feel like there's a lot of built up resentment in some of the advice being given. I'm empathetic to your situations because I've been hurt in relationships too. I lost my husband to a Playstation and home brewing beer. He decided his hobbies were more important than his wife's happiness and the relationship we had together. Everyone needs hobbies but what about the person you're in a relationship with? I didn't want a divorce. But after fights, more fights, still more fights and then not speaking to each other for weeks at a time, him refusing counselling, I decided to do something for myself. He chose divorce over making some temporary life changes and counselling.
> 
> What's the cutoff for dating someone? I live in a decent sized city but I'm now a single mom with kids half the time, a full time job and a volunteer weekend thing. I didn't jump on Steve before the ink was dry, nor did he jump on me. He assumed that his friend would tell him about this life-altering news and when he didn't, and realized that he and this friend weren't really the friends he thought they were and hadn't connected for real in years, he figured the friendship was over. Steve didn't jump on me then either, it was months after the fact and it's not like he showed up at my place either, we met by happenstance at a school event with our kids, remembered good times together and exchanged numbers. And even then, the flirting didn't happen for a few weeks.
> 
> I thank people for their advice but I think there's a lot of projection going on in here.
> 
> BTW, lunch went great. We talked about almost everything but my ex. My ex texted me tonight wanting to drop the kids off this weekend at our normal time and sent me a picture of a drawing my daughter made at school. No bitterness, no swears, no threats or anything. Maybe he's more mature than I thought!


Thank you for the update. Maybe things will work out ok.

Maybe your ex has some real regrets. It makes sense unless someone is just dead inside.


----------



## ConanHub

P.S. So Steve use to be married?

It would be good to know what happened there.

This isn't related to your ex but sound advice.😉


----------



## MattMatt

ConanHub said:


> Actually she left her husband.


I got the impression she was squeezed out by the fact he was more into his hobbies than his wife and children.


----------



## ConanHub

MattMatt said:


> I got the impression she was squeezed out by the fact he was more into his hobbies than his wife and children.


I know her reasons. She still initiated the divorce. He might not have been paying attention to what she needed. Regardless, he did not divorce and leave her. It just sounds like he didn't fight to keep her though we don't know what he was feeling.

It was being posted like he did leave and then was getting upset that who he left was seeing someone else.


----------



## TexasMom1216

ConanHub said:


> I know her reasons. She still initiated the divorce.


This is why there is that "80% of divorces are the woman's fault" statistic. He had completely checked out of the marriage and didn't care about her or his kids, but because SHE filed, the divorce is all HER fault and so she needs to respect his feelings and only date those her ex approves of because after all, the divorce was all on her.

He won't be happy no matter who she dates.


----------



## Angie?or…

She asked him to work on their marriage and he said he would prefer to divorce. Doesn’t matter who filed; HE made the choice because he didn’t care about her happiness.


----------



## ConanHub

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is why there is that "80% of divorces are the woman's fault" statistic. He had completely checked out of the marriage and didn't care about her or his kids, but because SHE filed, the divorce is all HER fault and so she needs to respect his feelings and only date those her ex approves of because after all, the divorce was all on her.
> 
> He won't be happy no matter who she dates.


Hearing here side, I never contradicted her reasons or brought up how many divorces are initiated by women.

My only correction was about posters claiming he left. He didn't.

Getting details about the situation is important because Steve could have been a complication.

Probably bringing up any new partner could have been uncomfortable for him and pretty much unnecessary unless the relationship got serious enough to introduce the new person to the kids.

She was right to disclose about Steve and her ex being uncomfortable was normal.

I haven't made any claim that the degeneration of their marriage was her doing.

He did not try to leave her however, then get upset that she is moving on.

She left and her reasons were sound to her so I wouldn't even bring her reasons up and I haven't.

She did divorce and leave him though, not vice versa and that detail was being eliminated in favor of an untruth in some posts.

If he had initiated the divorce and left, my advice would be a little different in that I wouldn't have her considering his feelings much at all. The loss of Steve's friendship with her ex would have probably happened either way.


----------



## ConanHub

Angie?or… said:


> She asked him to work on their marriage and he said he would prefer to divorce. Doesn’t matter who filed; HE made the choice because he didn’t care about her happiness.


LoL! I never even entered into the why of it.

I'm for enforcing boundaries and if she had come here pre divorce and shared how her husband wouldn't even try to work with her, I would have advised her to proceed with divorce while making sure she kept herself healthy and sound.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Captain Obvious said:


> OP, you are a grown woman, you can date whomever you want, and you don't owe your ex anything. But just keep this in mind, one of the undisputed facts of the universe is that men don't like their male friends and acquaintances to date or have sexual relations with their exes. I'm not supporting or opposing that statement, I'm just saying it's a fact of life. This will probably cause you drama, you are just going to have to decide how much drama you want to deal with.


Men nor women!


----------



## DownByTheRiver

ConanHub said:


> I know her reasons. She still initiated the divorce. He might not have been paying attention to what she needed. Regardless, he did not divorce and leave her. It just sounds like he didn't fight to keep her though we don't know what he was feeling.
> 
> It was being posted like he did leave and then was getting upset that who he left was seeing someone else.


Oh, they might not care enough to even try to meet their needs, but that doesn't mean they won't absolutely have a cow once they hear they're dating. This is when men reach out to their attorneys to try to get custody just out of spite as a way to control. It's just best not to have someone in the middle of that.


----------



## ConanHub

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oh, they might not care enough to even try to meet their needs, but that doesn't mean they won't absolutely have a cow once they hear they're dating. This is when men reach out to their attorneys to try to get custody just out of spite as a way to control. It's just best not to have someone in the middle of that.


Yup. I've seen it from both sides. Wiminz be territorial as well.

It's probably normal to feel pain unless someone is totally done and OP obviously had been done for a while. She did try to work on it and finally checked out.

Rationally, she hasn't done one thing wrong..
Emotions just aren't logical.

Her ex might have totally disregarded his marriage but he still had the feels apparently.

I'm just observing BTW. I'm totally against neglecting a marriage and I don't think the feelings of an ex should determine who she dates.


----------



## ake1490

MattMatt said:


> She seemed to resent the fact that I was dating anyone, never mind a friend of hers.


I think this is where my head is now and what I was afraid of even entertaining the idea of going out with Steve. 

I don't consider the two dates I went on in winter to be real dates. There wasn't a connection, I thought there was but the first date was just coffee and we got dinner the next night but I didn't feel anything. It felt like he was waiting for me to make the first move, whether it was a kiss or inviting him back to my apartment or something. While I thought about it, I didn't feel the connection and broke it off that night. I never told my ex about them because I didn't feel it was his business and I wasn't sure how he'd react. 

The way our marriage ended felt like I was constantly seeking attention and trying to get him to notice me. We were roommates the last little while of our marriage and had nothing close to intimacy anymore. He was on a dating site a few months after we separated and were in the middle of divorcing. I was hurt by it, I'll be honest, because I felt like he lost interest in me and was too chicken to admit that he just wanted to have sex with someone else. 

My biggest fear with doing online dating the few weeks I did wasn't a normal feeling like meeting the wrong person, getting physically hurt or anything like that, it was that even though we were divorced by then, I still didn't know how he was going to deal with me dating someone else and how it would come across. The fact that Steve is the first real date I've been on since the divorce complicates things but one of the reasons I've asked this question and something I'm still curious about is: At what point are we just two people who made two beautiful kids and want the best for them while continuing on with our lives? 

I don't know who my ex dates. I think I've moved on a little slower, seeing how quickly he got back out there, but I feel happy for him in his life and feel that if he dated one of my friends that it might feel a little awkward at first but I want the best for the both of them. I'm certainly not going to hold a grudge against him and wish him ill for the rest of my life as it seems to be more common than I'd hoped.


----------



## [email protected]

ake1490 said:


> So my ex (32M) and I (29F) have been divorced for almost a year. Things are decent between us right now. We have kids, split custody with rotating weekends and weeks and all that. It's complicated!
> 
> Our kids are in the same grade and friends with kids whose parents we were friends with when they were together, they split a few years rago. Recently, I ran into their dad at a play rehearsal. We spent a few minutes catching up and he consoled me on the divorce, he'd heard a few months prior, and it felt genuine. We exchanged numbers because the school didn't have a complete list of all of the kids and we live kind of near each other so we can carpool if needed.
> 
> We've been chatting more and more over the weeks, starting from what we'd exchanged numbers for but gradually texting throughout the day, even later at night and recently he started to get a little flirty late at night (nothing overly sexual, just veering into dirty pickup lines Lol) and things were great. Randomly, yesterday he told me about a place that he took his boys for dinner and they have what looked like a great lunch if I were ever interested.
> 
> I hesitated because I knew he's asking me out and wasn't sure about dating one of my ex's friends. They still hang out, a few months ago my ex is the one who told him we'd divorced because he asked how I was doing, and I don't want things to be weird or cause a problem for my ex or this guy.
> 
> On the other hand, we have a lot in common both from being divorced (and the ones who asked for the divorce because we weren't happy) to interpersonal stuff and similar interests and hobbies. He's also very attractive to me.
> 
> Any advice on how to tiptoe here? Would it be best to not tell my ex? Let him find out through the grapevine? Or should I give him the head's up? BTW, I accepted lunch with him, we're getting lunch next Tuesday and I'm trying to think of how to explain that I want to date him but don't want him to lose a friend or cause a problem with my ex.


----------



## FarmTownGirl

frusdil said:


> I really don't think this is a good idea at all. Out of all the men in the world, why does it have to be your ex's friend?


I could see complications with her ex becoming jealous or resentful. But to answer your question -- they live near each other, they like and are attracted to each other, they have similar interests, kids the same age, they've known each other casually as friends long enough to get a sense of each other... From their perspective as a potential couple it sounds great. But if her ex is the type to look for reasons to be upset, it could create an ugly dynamic that would affect everyone including the kids. Still, her ex chose his hobbies and divorce over her, so how much can he really care?


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## Landofblue

Seems to me like you approached this exactly right and now that it’s out in the open I hope you and Steve can explore if there is actually anything lasting between you. 
Both you and your husband… and Steve deserve happiness. I hope you all find it.


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## David60525

ake1490 said:


> So my ex (32M) and I (29F) have been divorced for almost a year. Things are decent between us right now. We have kids, split custody with rotating weekends and weeks and all that. It's complicated!
> 
> Our kids are in the same grade and friends with kids whose parents we were friends with when they were together, they split a few years ago. Recently, I ran into their dad at a play rehearsal. We spent a few minutes catching up and he consoled me on the divorce, he'd heard a few months prior, and it felt genuine. We exchanged numbers because the school didn't have a complete list of all of the kids and we live kind of near each other so we can carpool if needed.
> 
> We've been chatting more and more over the weeks, starting from what we'd exchanged numbers for but gradually texting throughout the day, even later at night and recently he started to get a little flirty late at night (nothing overly sexual, just veering into dirty pickup lines Lol) and things were great. Randomly, yesterday he told me about a place that he took his boys for dinner and they have what looked like a great lunch if I were ever interested.
> 
> I hesitated because I knew he's asking me out and wasn't sure about dating one of my ex's friends. They still hang out, a few months ago my ex is the one who told him we'd divorced because he asked how I was doing, and I don't want things to be weird or cause a problem for my ex or this guy.
> 
> On the other hand, we have a lot in common both from being divorced (and the ones who asked for the divorce because we weren't happy) to interpersonal stuff and similar interests and hobbies. He's also very attractive to me.
> 
> Any advice on how to tiptoe here? Would it be best to not tell my ex? Let him find out through the grapevine? Or should I give him the head's up? BTW, I accepted lunch with him, we're getting lunch next Tuesday and I'm trying to think of how to explain that I want to date him but don't want him to lose a friend or cause a problem with my ex.


Hi,
No Stay away.
You need to examine why you and your husband, ex, he should too, really. Compare your marriage to ephesians in the Bible. We're you two both too stubborn to submit to each other to that chapter? Think about it. We submit to laws, culture, peer pressure, OUR BOSSES IF WE KEEP A JOB FOR OVER 5 YEARS AT ONE PLACE. WE can't take a release valve off those, why do we do it to out marriage partners? Thatt had years of negative consequences. Think what love submission is, carpenters song why do we hurt each other. I am married and divorced 3 times.
I found that ego and unwilling to submit or surrender. We are incapable of that as humans.
Something to think about.


Tread slowly, no sex unless you marry again.
That's even hard to do. Best to you


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