# what do you think i should do?



## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

{This is a continuation of my other post, to get more information, please read my other post, warning in advance it is very long. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/3922-complete-loss-long-vent.html}

This situation i have been in has been ongoing and on a downward slope for the past 8.5 years. he wasnt this bad when we got married. he used to at least "act" like he gave a sh*t about my feelings or my wishes/desires/dreams. in the beginning, we had long talks about what we wanted for the future, for the children, for ourselves and our lives. we talked about how we thought we would obtain all this things (house, cars, etc) and what we would do to better our lives. and even though we did not argee on everything, we had the same dream and ideals (or so i thought). 

after we got married, i worked hard to achieve all those dreams/desires/wishes. i was on baby #4, finishing college, working part-time, had baby in Oct, graduated in Dec. 01. i was blessed to be able to quit my part time job and stay home with baby and kids for 2 years. but every day i still worked hard to have a happy house and home. made supper every night so it was ready when he got home from work, house was clean, children were clean, and keep everyone happy. And i loved every minute of it. And in his defense he was working hard to achieve them too. then i went back to work, we bought this house and i honestly believe that is when the "real" trouble started. while i believe that owning a house means keeping it up and running, working on improving the yard (this yard is 3 city lots whereas the old house had only a spacious back yard), and fixing up the house (it is an older house and just needs alot of TLC), and making it nice and try to keep it clean (it is sooo much bigger then our rent house of 3 br, 2small baths, and small rooms, this one is 5 big bedrooms, 3 full sized baths, huge kitchen, living and dining rooms.) and still raise healthy, happy and well developed children; i dont believe he feels or believes the same way. And while he is still working a job, he slowly or suddenly stopped doing all the other things needed to keep the dream alive. 

The main thing that has changed is that i still believe in the same things i did before we got married and put it into motion, whereas he is content with the way things are. he is perfectly happy to have the toliet in the shower, or not having a fence, or wood pile all over the yard, or the way the house is--ie: windows not painted and clauking falling off, trash in the yard, shrubs needing trimming, or dying. He also seems to be okay if the children get into trouble, talk hateful, fight and do poorly in school. It also doesnt bother him if the engine locks up because he didnt put oil in it and the truck sits in the yard and becomes a lawn ornament. This is a side i havent seen and was unprepared for because of all the things he said before and the way he acted before. Now i find out so many things that i cant tolerate about him; it doesnt bother him to walk over the trash that blows in the yard, or even broken glass (which is not only a eye sore but a danger to the children as we all run barefooted), if the sink drips or doesnt work, he is perfectly content to just go to another sink. he ignores the mold in the shower or the holes in the walls (i put up boards as a "temporary" fix where someone had taken out small wall electric heaters in the bathroom before we bought it, he would have just left the hole exposed) or the tiles falling off in the upstairs bathroom. Not only does he ignore them but he gets downright upset if i ask him to fix anything. Grant it, this is his first house too, but he doesnt care to care for it. 

seeing all this, and taking the weight and the responsiblity onto myself to get it done; on top of all the other responsiblities i do every day and the amount of work it takes just to keep the house semi sort of clean (the one thing he does get mad and verbalized about) plus having another baby making it 5 children to displine, teach, and love. I am overwhelmed. I cant do it by myself and when ever i ask him for help he either plain azz doesnt do it, complains about doing or just down right gets mad, angry or acts like an azz. I also realized that it is not just the house, the yard, the vehicle he acts this way with, but with our relationship also. 

Before i was happy doing things for him, i wanted to make him happy, i loved hearing him laugh. I wouldnt mind doing it because i wanted to do it for him. i didnt think of payback or rewards. i believe that you do little things just to make the other person feel loved, and cared for because you love them. i worked hard on making sure we communicated, did things together as a family and respected each other. when i saw he was insecure, i worked hard on building up his ego. when he told me something he wanted to do or try (like starting a house painting company) i supported him. i never bad mouthed, belittled or critized him. i understood it was hard for him to show his emotions (childhood issues and luggage), i tried showing him what it meant to be loved and cared for by showing him and treating him that way--ie i love to snuggle, i would rub his back, or hold his hand, or just go up and hug/kiss him. if i didnt agree with something--ie, the way he displined the children or the way he worked on something--i never said anything in front of the kids or while he was working, but would try hard to explain to him why i disagreed later and without making him think he did something wrong or was to blame. i am alway quick to admit i am not perfect, that my way isnt the only way and to compromise. (i used to beg him to tell me and not hold it inside so i can try to fix it)

However, in the last 4 years, he has given nothing back. he takes and takes and takes, and never returns the favor. he expects gratification and acknowledgement for every little thing he does (which i provided daily) but he nevers tells or shows us the same. my holy cow! even when i am crying, he cant even comfort me in some shape or form. i have stood by his side during his major f*ck up, 2 dwi's and 2 driving on revocations (each with a 7 day jail time), making ends met uncomplainly while he pays all those fines, i have tried to help his very disfunctional sisters, until it started affecting my own family negitively (my children come first and his sisters never learn and change)

last year, it came to a point. i was so overwhelmed, i just couldnt do it all and worse of all, it started affecting my children. i asked him, begged him, i cried, i pleaded for him to help me, for him to do something, anything to take just a little weight off me. i got nothing. he did nothing, and continued to make it harder on me by putting more weight on me. we fought, we talked, i gave him ultimations (2 actually last year) Still no change. it got to the point that i was just barely getting thru the days. in december, i was in a fog. i was just going thru the motions for the children. I dont even remember most days. all happiness and joy cessed to exist for me, i was like a walking zombie and i cried many many nights after the children were in bed. many things came out last year that had been simmering for a long time, other issues came out that i hadnt even been aware of.

A major one i still have major problems is all this time, all these years, i was working so hard to keep the communication (i am a strong believer of talking this out, getting it out in the open, facing it head on, and resolving it) so that our marriage would be stronger, telling him my sorrows, my fears, my desires/wants/dreams. explaining how he hurt me and what he could do so that he wouldnt hurt me again or to make up for it. explaining how to make our marriage work or better and stronger. All these years, i am talking, and last year he admitted that he never remembers a single thing i say. all the balls fell into place. it all made perfect sense after that. here i had been beating myself up, not understanding why things were happening and getting worse. i mean my god, i told him what i wanted in detailed steps. ie-just sometimes when you come home and the house is clean, can you just say hey you cleaned house, it looks nice. or sometimes it would be about working on the house, could you please fix the tiles in the shower upstairs, the kids really need to be able to use it, 7 people and 1 shower is a little hard, to this day that shower is still not usable. And i would think it was me. Maybe i was blowing it out of preportion (only to have friends, and family say they would be upset about the same thing) Maybe i didnt explain things well enough (i told him one day, i know i blow up easy but i get over it just as easy. especially if you just grap me and kiss me, i completely forget what i was mad about in the first place.....and yes, i really am that easy, he never does it, not one single time in 8.5 years) i would think maybe he doesnt care for me. maybe he doesnt love me. and i would talk (yes, talk not yell, cry or scream) to him again. I was so confused. And come to find out that everything i thought was resolved, actually never really was, because he just forgot all that was said; which explains why he walks around like nothing happened.

i feel hurt, confused and even empty now. i guess i do think how would i react if he asked or told me. If someone told me, hey i really dont like it when you do this, but if you just do that, i could live with it. then i try extra hard to do that thing and not do the this thing. So i am thinking, if he really loved me, wouldnt he listen and make an valid effort to remember what i am telling him. i am not asking for all of it, because i can go on and on (until someone tells me to shut up which he never does either) but just one simple thing. which i told him that too (said hey i know i just gave you like 10 things or examples, but if you just did ONE of them, i could deal with all the others) But my husband doesnt even bother to TRY to remember, or bother to Try to put anything in action. Or make any effort on his own to make things better. (which is the other thing that really bothers me) 

SO WHAT AM I TO DO? i cant just ignore everything the way he does. i cant just not pay the bills, or worry about the kids, or leave the house unfixed, or not tend to the vehicles. those are the kind of things that i cant tolerate. i am not built that way; besides the fact that if left ignored they only get worse. i cant just go on acting like everything is fine and dandy, when they are not. I cant just go on trying and giving, and giving in or giving up when i am to only one actually doing. On top of that, i still want to better myself, my kids and my lives. there are a lot of things i want to do, i dream of doing, and work hard to achieve those things. 

i believe that david and i are no longer on the same page. and while i would be willing to work to fix that, he does not. (proven by his own actions and the things he has said and done in the past 3 years or so). I dont think we want the same thing out of life and for our children. i continue to try, learn, change and adapt, while he does not. And even if i could deal with that, i would still want to take care of what we do have, while he will not. (again proven in the last 3 years or so). lLife is too short to be angry, and unhappy. before i know it, my kids will be all grown and gone and possibly angry and unhappy also. Just for that reason alone, i will not tolerate it. it is not acceptable for me to live that way, and i dont think he will do anything to change it. (proven again)

AND THAT IS WHY I AM AT SUCH A LOSS AT WHAT TO DO.

LOL, sorry this is so long. I hope this explains why i have those feeling. yes, i regonized they are generated by me. there are my hopes, and my dreams, my values, and morals, my beliefs and expectations that are not being met or supported by my husband. A marriage is a job being worked on constatantly and daily by both people. Each depending on the other to fulfill some basic need, and returning it whole heartedly and gladly. Each working on keeping the other happy and having the respect towards one another. and when it comes down to it, just caring and giving a sh*t about the other person. If given to me, i return it 10 fold. i dont think it is too much to ask to have my husband support and care and love and honor and all that...not when i give back more then i recieve happy and with a smile on my face.

I am 100% against divorce, but i honestly dont know of what to do. The way things are going, divorce seems inevidable. If he would just give even just a small amount, i could hold on longer. I hate the thought of distroying my childrens lives and blissful world. Although i am not sure why i am still holding on, besides my religion and my belief that divorce is wrong. There just doesnt seem to be an alternative outcome.


----------



## TIME (Mar 2, 2009)

You sound very sad with your marriage which has in turn made your life miserable. I think you already know what you need to do to regain your life and your sanity but you are against divorce. So was I. But I must tell you that being in that marriage was living a daily lie. Lying is a sin. All sins are equal. So I decided instead of living a lie, sinning daily, I would rather do another sin, divorce, and start living a real life again.

I can't tell you that is your answer, but I had a weight lifted off of me that was too much to bear. Life got instantly harder in many ways, but it has all been worth it in so many more ways that just living a lie was doing.

I am happy now. I hope you can find happiness. You need to look inside yourself.


----------



## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

thanks for your response, yes, i sometimes think this marriage is over. the kids love their day and i dont want to distroy their world. it is just so hard to live with someone who doesnt care about your needs, doesnt comfort you, and so forth. i have given it a 4 year time limit. then we will see. in the meantime, i am still hoping for a miracle. i am just not holding my breathe.


----------

