# Emotional Affair - please help



## jenn123 (Sep 28, 2008)

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. We've been married for about a year and a half. He has recently started working with a new colleague who is a woman. This has never been a problem in the past but something about his relationship with her was bothering me. They exchanged phone numbers fairly soon after she started working there and were texting each other all the time. He would come home from work (after being with her all day) and text her throughout the evening. I thought this was a little odd and I was beginning to feel neglected. I mentioned it to him but he didn't stop. After a couple weeks he started behaving strange...telling me his boss was constantly changing his schedule and making plans and then changing them suddenly. Finally one day he told me he was going straight to a friend's house after work and that he'd call me when he was leaving work. I was looking forward to the call so when it didn't come I called him. He said that he was stopping to get gas and that he had to go. I didn't think anything of this until I got onto our bank's website to pay some bills and checked the status of our checking account. I noticed that he deposited his paycheck at a bank in a strange town that I didn't recognize. I thought this was odd and checked a map to see where it is and saw that it was in the opposite direction than he should've been heading....and he had not gotten gas. I called him...really suspicious now...and asked him where he was. He stuck to his original story until he finally broke and told me the truth. The truth was that he was out with her...going to see a movie and he said that he lied to me because he thought I'd get upset if he wanted to hang out with her...I wouldn't have if he had come right out with it though. 
Anyway...now that we've gotten a chance to talk about everything he's told me that he has feelings for her. He says he doesn't love her but he thinks that maybe he could. He said it's mostly an emotional connection and very little physical. He says that he did not act on any of these feelings and I believe him. I truly believe he is telling me the truth. He feels like we have been growing apart and that he hasn't been happy with the way our relationship has been for quite some time now. I told him I want to work on it...I want to save our marriage because I love him and I want this to work. He said that half of him wants to work on our relationship and the other half wants to see what he could have with his colleague. 
I don't know if we should have some time apart and let him find out what he truly wants or if I should just say no this has to stop. I don't want to force him to stay in this relationship with me if that's not what he wants...who would that be good for? I just don't know what to do....I need help.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

I hope your husband is willing to be open to marriage counseling ASAP before he makes a decision that he regrets. It's not clear to me how your marriage was going up to this point and if there were any underlying issues that were being ignored - or if things appeared fine and then this happened.

I would advice you to ask your husband to give your marriage enough respect to at least give counseling a try - without her in the picture. It's not out of the question that you two would be able to figure out what hasn't been going well - and make ajustments. Again, it's imperative that he not see her while this is going on to give it a fair shot. 

Nine years is a long time to throw away without proper consideration. If he's not willing to do this - you might want to do what you have to do to prioritize yourself - as he apparently isn't prioritizing the marriage.


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## jenn123 (Sep 28, 2008)

Things have been a little iffy lately. What my husband says has happened is that there is no fun or excitement anymore. He is probably right...we haven't been going out lately and that is mostly due to financial issues that we're having. 

After he made me aware of this problem I told him I'd like to give it a shot and make the changes we need to get our relationship back to the way it used to be. I asked him if he would cut off ties with his coworker and give our marriage the chance it deserves. His reply was that if he does that he will always be wondering what could have been with the other girl and that alone would probably tear us apart. 

I feel like he doesn't even care enough about me to try to work things out. It sounds like, regardless of how much pain he's putting me through, he wants to try things out with this other girl. He says that whatever happens is what's supposed to happen and I believe that too but at the same time I'm afraid of what will happen if I let him see what things could be like with this other girl. He insists that he won't do anything physical while still married but I just can't wrap my head around him even going out on dates with someone else while he's still married....although he's been doing that without my knowledge anyway. 

I don't know what to do...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your husband has chosen a very dangerous path for your marriage. No spouse should engage in a new relationship before terminating the first. This is not test driving a car. In my opinion his “what ever happens, happens” attitude is crap. A cop out so as to not take responsibility in what he is doing. And what he is doing will end the marriage. If half of him wants to stay in the marriage he owes it to you and your marriage to work on it. If excitement is waning the two of you need to address that and begin to spend time together. He has broken your trust by lying to you and sneaking around and will need to be fully open in his actions. Since he works with her, breaking contact will be very difficult. Because of this I strongly suggest you get in to counseling soon. This will not get better on its own. He may say there will not be anything physical but if he is emotionally attached to her and not to you the relationship will likely escalate. And if she is this involved with a married man she has already proven she is not a person of high moral standards. Act quickly on this before it’s too late.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

i don't blame you if you can't wrap your head around that idea! i don't think anyone in their right mind would be able to. he's obviously not in his right mind. i think from here, you have to decide what you are or aren't willing to compromise within yourself. it seems as if he's already made a decision in his mind to pursue this other woman and see how it goes, but tell him he does not get to have his cake & eat it too! i don't see how he could ever expect you to stand by while he "tries her out" to see if she's a better fit. i know i wouldn't be waiting in the background to be 2nd choice. if you are not good enough now, why would you be later? tell him he has a couple options: (1)work on your marriage in whatever way you two decide (without her in the picture) or (2)continue to see her & possibly lose you forever. tell him it's pretty simple but that you do not want to be part of his experiment. when or if you decide to give him these options, make sure you are truly ready to give such an ultimatum. you have to be strong & ready in your mind to stick with such a decision. if you are not sure you want to do this, then don't until you are ready. if you are not right with it in your own mind, he will sense that & never take you seriously. good luck & stay strong.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree: with all of the responses above.

I'll tell you what I would do (and did 1 year ago):

I'm your wife, and will not demote myself to your Plan B.

I don't want you to stay married to me out of guilt or shame or any reason other than you love me and want our marriage to work.

If we both want to make our marriage work, we need to talk through what the problems are and work together on our marriage.

First step is ending all contact with her (mine worked with her also and still does) unless it's required professionally and even then no conversations about your personal lives.

Second step is regaining my trust, being open with me so I don't worry/wonder where you are or what you are doing. This is no longer something I can just take your word on because that trust has been broken and needs to be re-built.

Whatever you decide to do in the end, make sure you do not lose yourself or compromise your own values. Excitement and fun can come back into a marriage, especially if you both agree it's been lacking. The book, The 5 languages of Love helped us understand one another better (I bought the audio version for my husband so he could listen during his commute)...this was a year ago and we still bring up things from this book in conversations. Just my opinion, but I think you need to make it clear to him what you will put up with in your marriage...you shouldn't suddenly be expected to deal with an open marriage because someone at work caught his eye.


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## jenn123 (Sep 28, 2008)

Thank you for the advice...but what do I do if he continues to insist on keeping her in his life. He tells me that right now he wants to hang out with her like a friend and while he's doing that he wants to focus on finding reasons to not pursue a relationship with her. 

I try to tell him that the way our relationship is right now, and has been recently, is not how it could be. I want to make sure that he's not thinking this way because why would he choose to work things out if he's unhappy with the way it is and has found something better? But if he realizes that it could be different and better for us in the future...maybe he'll decide to try. But I haven't been able to convince him of that. He won't let go of the idea of "trying things out". 

I think he needs some outside advice. He hasn't talked to anyone except me and his coworker. I think he needs to talk to a friend or something. I don't think he'll agree to counseling until he agrees to work on our marriage and cut off communication with her. And I just don't see him making that decision on his own...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Make it for him. You can't stop him from seeing her but you can tell him what you will do if he decides to anyway, against your wishes. You should not have to compete with her. She is not part of his 'real' life, the one that includes responsibilities, bills, etc...so if he's 'trying to decide' he's looking at this fantasy...he may not find any reasons to stop pursuing her...until one day she becomes his reality with all of the issues of real life.

At that time in my life, I was a mess. I saw a counselor (not marriage) for myself just to sort out my thoughts and be clear on how I was going to move forward. While he's off in la-la land, I don't know that any amount of talking will wake him up...and ultimatum might, but in that case be prepared to follow through & make sure you have emotional support for yourself.


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## jenn123 (Sep 28, 2008)

Something very surprising happened last night...but it doesn't really help me much. 

My husband and I were talking about all of this but nothing new was really being said by either of us. It seems that nothing I can say will make a difference just like you say Swedish. So we both got angry and I know that was a mistake. I thought it was over right then...I thought he made his decision and that was it. But after we both calmed down and talked reasonably we realized that we didn't mean the things we had said. 

So after that argument, he went into the other room and said he needed to be alone. So I gave him his space but I knew he was in that room texting her. Then all of the sudden I heard him snap his phone shut and throw it down. He was yelling stuff and so I went to check on him and see what had happened. To my surprise, he was crying. He said he had to get out of the house so he left. He came back about 10 minutes later and told me what happened. He was texting her, telling her what had just happened between myself and him and she told him that it's not worth it for her. He's not worth everything that it's putting me and him through for her. I have to admit that I was happy that she said that...instead of him taking her out of the picture, she's taking herself out. 

However, I don't know that she's going to stick to that decision. She may change her mind the next time she sees him at work. Also...he was devastated. That hurt me that he was so upset about this. That tells me that he still hasn't chosen me over her so I am still not sure how any of this is going to work out. 

We had been planning on moving out of state at the end of the year before all of this happened. I'm considering asking him if he would be willing to make the move earlier and just get away from all of this so we can focus on us. I'm not sure if that'll push him away or not.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Now is an opportune time to begin plans to move. She may recant or he may pursue the relationship. That he was that distraught that she “ended” the relationship just show how deeply involved he was. It is possible that she too was testing the waters and now sees it’s not worth moving forward. Either way this goes you both have a lot of work to do to reconnect. Good luck.


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## jenn123 (Sep 28, 2008)

well, my husband and I have decided that it's probably best if we take a little bit of a break. Apparently I've been too clingy (and I've been trying so hard to do exactly the opposite). I know his feelings for his coworker haven't changed and I don't think he feels any differently about me. I know it's only been a short time but I feel like my being here is making things more difficult for us both. I'm miserable and I think my presence alone is making things harder for him. 

I have faith that our relationship is meant to be and that he will come back to me. If I didn't have that faith I don't think I could stand right now. I made it clear to him (I hope) that I still want things to work out for us. 

I just need to make it through this. I honestly don't know if I have the strength to do with this. I just hope it's all worth it...that it will work out.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Taking a break can be a difficult but helpful step. Doting on a troubled spouse can drive them further away. You instincts tell you to hold tight but it is not necessarily the best thing. Try reading Dobson’s Love Must be Tough. Some of his theories or pretty radical but some of it helped me to better understand the dynamics of my relationship with my wife and to better manage my emotions. If you continue to have faith in your relationship, as well as in yourself you can do this and will weather it fine. Best of luck


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## Ladyinblue (Sep 18, 2008)

Also...he was devastated. That hurt me that he was so upset about this. That tells me that he still hasn't chosen me over her so I am still not sure how any of this is going to work out.


I think most affairs are almost always with friends and co-workers. That's because the people you work with and those you spend leisure time with are usually in the best position to meet your most important emotional needs.But in the world of the internet, total strangers can also meet your emotional needs through chat rooms and e-mail because they meet your need for conversation so effectively. Do you and your spouse talk as much and as deeply as you talk to people on the internet? That's what happened in my case when my husband had his emotional affair online.(you could read my other posts)We are all wired for affairs. The only people who are exempt are those who are utterly incapable of meeting someone else's emotional needs. If you can't meet anyone's needs, no one will ever fall in love with you. But if your spouse has anything to offer others, and you are not meeting an important emotional need, commitment to "forsake all others" can become words without meaning.Whatever needs are being met-when an affair is over ,those needs are no longer being met.This usually causes symptoms of withdrawal.Until he recovers from this withdrawal, your efforts to please him will be very disappointing.Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to care about.(this has been the hardest part for me).

I trusted my spouse with this mutual online friend. That was a big mistake, as I later discovered. There is no emotion more powerful than romantic love, and people have abandoned their careers, their children, their religion, their security and their health because of it.What's going on that causes him to lose all of his perspective on life? It's nothing more than a feeling of love. But that feeling is one of the most important feelings we have, and we will do almost anything to get it and keep it. I learned an important lesson about human nature. People are wired to fall in love with whoever they spend the most enjoyable time with, and the fact that my husband fell for his friend simply means that she had deposited enough time,attention and admiration to trigger his feeling of romantic love toward her. He was having more fun with his friend than he was having with me. The rest was history.We stopped having fun or going out together long ago and both began drifting apart. The burdens of everyday child rearing, financial stress and lack of communication came between us recreationally, and this "friend" took my place as his favorite leisure-time companion.I was very disillusioned to think that my husband could have hurt me so badly, but now i know, and, quite frankly, i know i would have done the same thing myself if conditions were right.Although i know that this is alot easier said than done, try to see things from his perspective and understand him.

By saying this,I'm not saying you should accept being his "back-up" plan.But right now,by his actions he is showing that pursuing these feelings for her have come to mean more to him than "possibly losing you forever"...I really hope he realizes before its too late-and how destructive this is to the future of your marriage so that he can begin making the right decisions before its too late.My heart goes out to you.

Take care of yourself and keep your head up high, no matter what happens remember "*That which does not kill us makes us stronger".*



LadyInBLUE


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

my heart goes out to you but i can definitely relate. i am also trying too hard sometimes & it seems to push my husband away. our situation is a little different but there are times i wish he would just leave so he could see how much he needs to appreciate me. good luck! keep your head up & take it day by day!


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## mclovin (Nov 18, 2008)

Jenn,

I feel for you. I'm in the same situation. My wife is doing the same thing to me. It has been 3 months since my situation started.

I've gone through everything to try and help my wife because I know she is vulnerable and making a bad decision by having an emotional affair. The reality is that your husband has to want to work on your marriage and must start by realizing that what he is doing is wrong. He is running away from the problem in your marriage and being very hurtful to you in doing so. 

The key thing for you to do is take care of yourself right now. You cannot make him see what he is doing is wrong, he has to figure that out on his own and hopefully he will go see a counselor to help him. I would advise you to see a counselr because you need to be ok too. Talking with someone will help you through this and help you not be scarred by it. Because if things don't work out you need to understand what went wrong and be ok for your next relationship when that happens.

My thoughts are with you.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

jenn123 said:


> Thank you for the advice...but what do I do if he continues to insist on keeping her in his life. He tells me that right now he wants to hang out with her like a friend and while he's doing that he wants to focus on finding reasons to not pursue a relationship with her. ...


I don't understand why your husband told you he plans to keep the OW in his life. Why would a wife, upon being told by the husband that he intends to keep doing what he's doing, has to think twice about what she's going to do? Tell that man what YOU will do if he doesnt stop that behavior, then do it. Like he's saying "I dare you to do something about it". 

He's playing you. By telling you, is he actually trying to get you to okay his relationship with another woman? And if you condone it, will that give him license to try a physical relationship with her?


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