# Advice Please



## sorryinohio (Nov 8, 2010)

Hi all,

I need some advice from a ladies perspective, please. My wife and I have been married for 12 years, together for 14. We have two wonderful children who are 7. Our marriage has been very up and down. I've caused a great deal of the fights, manipulation, and control for which I am now taking medication and being treated by a counselor for. My wife has retalied with affairs, lack of intimacy/communication, not wearing her wedding ring and now threatenting divorce. She has told me she needs space to figure out if she can still be married to me. She loves me because I am an awesome dad (her words), but I have at times put her through hell at times. I've never been psysically abusive, but emotional and verbal with her and the children. I also had a gambling problem and lost a great deal of money 4 -5 years ago.

I've been scared straight, I know I need to fix myself, so I can fix my life, my marriage, and my family, and my friendships in that order. I am getting a handle on my anger over the past 6 weeks. My couselor believes I may have post traumatic stress disorder from some abuse I had a child that I never dealt with.

She won't let me touch, kiss, or hold her. I am sleeping in the basement and trying to give her as much space as possible. She went out of town for the whole weekend, but she didn't call at all which I found odd, I guess, but maybe not, she may have just needed to clear her head.


She had said she needs time to figure out what she wants to do. Can she still love / trust me? She doesn't know if I will I continue to get help / take medication (I had been perscribed medicine three times before and I quit taking it)? I am convinced, I guess, she is not having another physical affair, could there be an emotional one.

I am doing so much better with her and the kids with my anger...I am having trouble with the control issue. I want to make her make a decision before the holidays, but that may not be possible. 

1.) What should my expectation be for a decision from her?
2.) Should I continue to sleep in the basement or go back into our bedroom (I moved on my own to the basement to try and give her space.)
3.) If she is asking for space...does that mean she is having an affair or wants someone else...am I wasting my time with the marriage counselor?
4.) Her job is very busy in December and I don't believe she wants to address this until after the holidays....could that be, but why keep going to counseling?

Thank you for all your help, I look forward to your responses!


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

sorryinohio said:


> 1.) What should my expectation be for a decision from her?
> 2.) Should I continue to sleep in the basement or go back into our bedroom (I moved on my own to the basement to try and give her space.)
> 3.) If she is asking for space...does that mean she is having an affair or wants someone else...am I wasting my time with the marriage counselor?
> 4.) Her job is very busy in December and I don't believe she wants to address this until after the holidays....could that be, but why keep going to counseling?
> ...


1. That this will take time to fix up.
2. Depends on how long you've been in the basement? I say move back in your bedroom. That's where you belong.
3. Not necessarily, it means you hurt her and needs to not have you all up on her at this time. The marriage counseling is a great idea.
4. She may indeed have a lot on her plate. Don't rush this! You did the damage, here, things can't heal on your timeframe.

Also, write her a letter, not an email or text. Write her a letter and print in out, and let it for her to find, perhaps even mail it to her job. Express your sorrow for the wrongs you've done as well as your committment to making things better. Follow it up a few days letter with a rose. Not a full boquet, but just a simple rose. Anything too gaudy and you'll come off desperate and fake.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

Great idea about the letter. Sometimes you can put things in writing that you forget to say when in person. I know I post over and over on here about counseling, but it is true. Both should go but if one won't then the other one should still go. It can really make a difference. Re: your questions: 
1. I assume it took a very long time for all these issues to come up and ruin your relationship so do not demand decisions quickly. I personally think if I were in her situation I would need several months to see how things are actually going before making any decision and the holidays are stressful enough without adding this. 
2. I think you need to talk about the sleeping arrangements with her and also see what she is comfortable with. 
3. Needing space may mean just that. My husband also has control issues and when I need space it is just the only time I can be my own person. The counselor can help with your feelings about this also. 
4. Why keep going to counseling - are you kidding? This attitude tells me you don't really want to change. The two of you have a lot of serious issues and speaking from my personal experience it has taken me over a year just to understand some of our problems and how I contributed to them and to also help me see that I do deserve respect and intimacy in our relationship. Not sure what your expectations are from counseling but I don't think you will figure out all your issues in a few months!


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## striving (Nov 5, 2010)

You really, really should do what's called the "Love Dare"...it's perfect for your situation. If you Google it you'll find more info on it, or you can get the book, or watch the movie "Fireproof." It has great, practical ideas on loving your wife back to you...Much like ideas mentioned above, but in steps and with encouragement along the way. You have time before the holidays...I think it's 40 days that you commit to taking these steps, one day at a time.

Wishing you well....


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## newlystepmommed (Nov 9, 2010)

I agree with Trooper. In addition, I believe if you want your marriage to work. You should be willing to wait and do anything. If she feels like you need to stay out of the bedroom, then respect that. That shows your control issues are under "control". If she is not ready to make a decision it may be because she doesn't feel your commitment is sincere. Stick with the counseling, not only for your AND her.. but yourself. This will help you heal inside.. you first, then your relationship. When you heal, and you are whole. She will come back to you and fall in love with you all over again.
Patience. Sucks... but it's all you will need!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Now I'll give you my theories on wives who break up with their husbands. How many couples do you know that "break-up" and eventually get back together? Not many? Me either. It doesn't happen. And if it does, they left each others physical space and the heart grew fonder, so to speak. You, on the other hand, have ben there to remind her of the "bad" every day of her life. 

How does she know you'll change? How do YOU know you'll change? She MAY be willing to give it a try. But I warn you: two months of walking on eggshells, your relationship gets a LITTLE better. ONE slip back to the old you and you're back to square one.

Get better for yourself. Be friends with her for the sake of the kids. Learn what you did to become "scared straight" and use that knowledge to make like as good as possible. You're wife's gone. I don't see anything she's done or said, beyond the bare minimum to keep you from freaking, to indicate she's at all committed to this thing.


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## Xander (Oct 20, 2010)

I'm also curious to know how long you've stayed in the basement. 

You're going to have to walk a fine line between forcing the issue forward a little bit, but not force it forward too quickly. That's because if you continue to live in the basement forever, she will never grow comfortable again. Her only memories and impressions are those that highlight your flaws, so no amount of mental debate can replace the emotions that those experiences create. And living in the basement is just a constant reminder. You need *experiences *that *demonstrate *to her gut that you are a changed man. 

But you can't just storm back up to the bedroom, either. The explanation to this constraint is pretty self-evident.

To use a sports metaphor: if a soccer player hurts his knee, he has to stay off of it for a while. But if he stays off of it forever, the knee will never re-gain its strength and heal completely. Those first gentle, slightly painful steps on the soccer field are therefore absolutely essential to a full recovery -- as long as those steps are taken long enough after the injury.

Here's what I recommend:

In the letter that almost everyone agrees you should write, tell her you're going to move back in in a month or so. Tell her:



> I know you need time to heal. I want that for you. But we will never move on if we don't start laying a foundation of a functional, happy marriage. The only way for that to happen is to open ourselves up to one another in a way that makes us vulnerable, so that we can learn by experience to trust one another again. If our marriage is to be saved, then we have to be willing to take a leap of faith together. I therefore plan to move back into the bedroom on [x date]. If you need a little more time, or a little less, than we can talk about it -- but we must fix a certain date and stick to it.


It's important that you fix a certain date but not make it too soon. It will put some of the onus on her to speed her own recovery or decide to get out altogether. Inertia will only end badly for you. 

Her reaction to this will tell you whether your marriage will be saved. If she is unwilling or unable to contemplate forgiving you in the future, then you should go. 

I'm confident that gently forcing the issue, however, will be a good first step in healing your marriage.


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