# Verbally Abused. 10 years and it is totally wearing me out



## brewedkopi (Aug 13, 2012)

Hi fellow friends, 
I am in a marriage for 10 years. In these 10 years, I have endured endless pain of his insults, scoldings, anger. With 2 boys, I chose to stay in this marriage - as they love him. 

He - R
1) Scolds/yells (depending on his mood) at me with the tiniest irritation possible. It can be the clothes not dry properly or not garbage not disposed off promptly. 
2) insults always comes down to money - fact he is earning more than me, he will ends off with "earn more and then you can talk to me"
3) all scoldings /yelling / insults done in front of the boys. He tells them Your mother is so stupid / terrible / useless
4) He controls all the finances by making me pay everything. Bills and all. Only when we goes for meals at restaurants or small eatery, he pays. 
5) He used to hit me in past. I retaliated - I told him, 1 more round, I will go straight to police. Even to this day, I am scared to provoke him - scared to push him to limits
Now there are no more physical but I find hard to accept.
6) He behaved differently in front of friends and relatives. All my complains are always seems as silly spats
7) He got along as well with my brother and father that no one believes me. It does not help that in my race, divorce is a utter disgrace to family especially the kids.
8) He never does housework in all 10 years, without a helper with a full time job, I work, do housework, look after kids and homework. I am at wits end. My work is suffering badly
9) Talking to him is closed door. He always turn the issue back to me and it is never his fault. All mine. 
My fault for not earning enough money
my fault for not spending more time with the kids
my fault for attending to my clients questions when he is around
my fault for the house not clean enough for him
my fault for his job - he can get better job without us(the family)
my fault for the kids homework not done
the list goes on
10) His mood determines the situation and what / how i can plan my day. If his mood is bad. God bless me
11) My work is home based - I find it hard to work in past 2 years. When I am alone, I find myself just want to quiet. With endless bills to pay - past 2 years been hell. Now I need help - how to pick emotions up and move. The boys need me and the finances need me. I cannot allow myself to drawn to such pity anymore. In this place, there is no psych doctor in miles. For 1st time in 10 years, I see a problem.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

You deserve better. He is treating you like a slave, he is a bully. Leave him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Plan your way out, lie to him and keep him happy, do every thing you need to so you and your children will be free. Do not argue with him or be upset in front of him, remember you are planing to leave.

You know this man does not love you and he will never change.

What sort of example is this man setting to his sons.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

brewedkopi said:


> With 2 boys, I chose to stay in this marriage - as they love him.
> 
> 3) all scoldings /yelling / insults done in front of the boys. He tells them Your mother is so stupid / terrible / useless


I can assure you that they will grow up to hate and resent him seeing him treat their mother like that and possibly resent you for letting him treat you like that and staying with him.

If you can't leave him for your own self worth, you must do it to protect your children, it is damaging them growing up in a household learning that this is how a man treats a woman. How would you feel if your boys treated their future gf or wife the same way..it is a cycle, put a stop to it, protect them.


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## brewedkopi (Aug 13, 2012)

I have this nagging fear of losing my sons. Not sure if it is unfounded. That is my greatest fear, the boys unable to judge for themselves what is correct and proper way to treat a lady. 

Well, if leaving him is not an option (believe me, it is the easiest, not necessary best way) Have to teach boys what is correct way to treat a lady (unfortunately, in this part of the world... not really visible...) and be financially independent. 

Honestly, it really feels wonderful to get this off my chest. It driving me nutz keeping all inside.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

BK, welcome to the TAM forum. Does your H flip back and forth between adoring you and devaluing you? I ask because you say that he is moody but you don't day how he behaves when he is in a "good" mood. Instead, you describe only a bleak picture in which he seems to be constantly berating and scolding you. At issue, then, is whether he has any redeeming virtues during his good moods and, if so, what they are. My exW, for example, could be loving and caring for a day or two and then, in just ten seconds, flip to being hateful and abusive.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

brewedkopi said:


> Hi fellow friends,
> I am in a marriage for 10 years. In these 10 years, I have endured endless pain of his insults, scoldings, anger. With 2 boys, I chose to stay in this marriage - as they love him.
> 
> He - R
> ...


Hi BK, 

Your #3 up there would be enough to send me packing. I don't tolerate any kind of verbal abuse, but if someone went the extra mile to try to teach my children to believe I'm inferior, I'd see that as child abuse, too. And I think it is. Your children are learning that women do not have value, and it *will* affect their relationships throughout their lives. 

Your #5 is hopeful. If he de-escalated when you showed him that you can take a stand, then you've seen what you need to do. Obviously, the police aren't going to get involved over verbal abuse, but I'm wondering if you can create a plan that shows him his behavior is simply unacceptable. It might be "one more round of this and I will leave with the boys." It might be "I will start recording the way you talk to me and show it to your family members so they understand what I'm talking about." Whatever would be something he simply isn't willing to endure.... which an arrest appears to have been.

I'd flip the tables on him. (I know you don't want to push him too far because he could escalate to physical abuse. Personally, I'd be willing to take that risk if my children and other family members kept denying me, too, because that'd show something they can't deny.) So if I was intent on staying, my plan would look like this: 

1. I'd start stashing money and deciding where to go if I need to.

2. I'd stop paying all the bills and turn his baloney around by saying, "When you pay more bills than me, then you can talk to me." Nobody can "make" us pay bills or choose how to spend our own income. We do that as a choice. So when he get ugly and demeaning on the issue, I'd be reminding myself that he's doing what he does - acting like an entitled toddler - because things aren't going his way. That'd be HIS problem, not mine. It would become OUR problem and gain my cooperation only when he treated me as an equal.

3. Each time he made a negative comment to my children about me, I'd call him out on it. "Are you trying to damage your kids' relationship with one of their parents? That's not a loving thing to do to your own kids." 

4. I'd be keeping a journal of these events: date, time, factual information about what happened, who was present, where it took place. I'd keep it secretly, of course, but I'd have it ready when I filed for divorce if it reached that point.

5. I'd learn to find ways to not engage in his power plays. I'd become very practiced at saying things like, "You're free to make that choice." "I can't stop you." "Whatever you say, dear." 

6. I'd be reminding myself every time these ugly moments happened that it was my own choice to stay that keeps me feeling abused, and that I could make a different choice.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

See 
Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

for signs of emotional abuse. 

I was on the receiving end of emotional abuse and it took me YEARS to get the strength to get out and it has taken me YEARS to begin to retain even part of my self esteem. The abuse started about the time my daughter was born, I stayed until my daughter was an adult before leaving. I thought I was staying for my daughters good or because I "believed in marriage", but I know now I stayed *because I was afraid to leave because my self esteem was zero *-- I began to *believe* what my ex wife was saying about me to my face and in front of my daughter and eventually pretty much every one in my life. 

Eventually my health deteriorated and my Dr dragged me to a shrink who put me on anti-depressants and nudged me into counseling -- finally I was able to see things clearly enough to make a break and get out. My Dr said I was going to die from high blood pressure and anxiety if I didn't do SOMETHING. I wasn't seeing things clearly, though everyone else in my life told me I was in an abusive relationship. I was in total denial. 

You need to work on how to get yourself out before the relationship between you and your children is hurt. 

I waited so long that my daughter became just like her mother and has sided with her mother against me. _If I had left the marriage when I was younger, I would have been able to at least provide my daughter with an example of how nice, civil people interact._ As it was, she had zero example of healthy relationship growing up and I am HOPING that eventually my daughter and I can reconcile.

I deeply regret that I didn't terminate the relationship years ago. I am newly married, and so happy that I occasionally feel pangs of regret that I didn't get out when I was younger. It's some kind of karma that I am blessed with a wonderful, beautiful attractive wife who loves me, but I am getting to an age that it's hard to carry through and "catch up" on all the years of missing emotional and physical aspects of a warm loving relationship. *(My advice here is one shouldn't waste their youth on someone who is not worthy of the gifts of youth). * 

In fact, life is so precious and short that you should not waste ANY part of it on a relationship that is not healthy.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

brewedkopi, run for your life!! It would surprise you how soon ten years becomes twenty and YOU aren't living life. He is.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP; 
So other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the theater?

Point being, what's in it for you? What can you imagine a good relationship looking like and do you think you could ever get it with him? Or do you think you may have signed up to get slugged in the gut every day? How much of your soul do you want to kill and bury?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Anomnom said:


> I can assure you that they will grow up to hate and resent him seeing him treat their mother like that and possibly resent you for letting him treat you like that and staying with him.
> 
> If you can't leave him for your own self worth, you must do it to protect your children, it is damaging them growing up in a household learning that this is how a man treats a woman. How would you feel if your boys treated their future gf or wife the same way..it is a cycle, put a stop to it, protect them.


Or they will grow up thinking that is how you treat women because she is allowing it to happen. to the original poster, find the closest women's shelter and plan your escape, start applying for a job outside of the home. Get out quickly, with the boys, do not leave them behind. Do not take a bunch of things either, as packing raises suspicion if you plan to take too much, only what is most important, most shelters will help with protection, help with clothing, toys, etc, so you can build a new life without him.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

brewedkopi said:


> *I have this nagging fear of losing my sons. Not sure if it is unfounded. That is my greatest fear, the boys unable to judge for themselves what is correct and proper way to treat a lady. *
> 
> Well, if leaving him is not an option (believe me, it is the easiest, not necessary best way) Have to teach boys what is correct way to treat a lady (unfortunately, in this part of the world... not really visible...) and be financially independent.
> 
> Honestly, it really feels wonderful to get this off my chest. It driving me nutz keeping all inside.


You are totally correct in that. Grew up to this, one thought it was fine, the other acted against it... bad situation. You need to set an example to your boys of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable and him calling you names and telling your kids you are stupid, not acceptable. What part of the world are you in? Might help us to give you some information on women's help lines or women's shelters?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

OhhShiney said:


> See
> Symptoms of Emotional Abuse
> 
> for signs of emotional abuse.


These articles are too negative. They never talk about solutions. Solution: get him drunk then set his bed on fire. I saw it in a movie, but I fell asleep half way through so I can't remember if the wife was found guilty or not. Maybe learn to make your writing look like his then write a suicide note that looks like he wrote it?

Serious answer: leave. By staying, your kids will think this is normal. Even if they hate the situation, they will still see it as normal. It takes a long time for us to get over things we learned as kids.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I think you should end this marriage. Life is too short to spend it miserably.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

BK, Are you in the US? What you are going through breaks my heart. I had a boyfriend like that when I was young about 18. I stayed with him for 3 years. I was young and blamed myself. I finally had the strength to leave. Do you have any family anywhere that would be sympathetic to the abuse that you and your children are going through? Your children are being abused. They are watching their mother be abused. That is taking it's toll mentally on them. They will grow up to be abusers themselves if you don't help them. Please find a way to leave even if it means provoking him to be physical again.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

He could possibly be mentally ill. You talk about bad moods? Any good moods? Mania?

Leaving is your best option before it turns physical again. When he is RAGING he may not remember your threats to call the police or may not even care.

I will pray for you.


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## GodlyMan (Apr 26, 2012)

OP,
I was at times the way your husband is. Please goto the site verbalabuse.com and seek help.
Their is good news. He can change, if he wants to, but of course with any problem, he has to be able to admit he has a problem. 
I have been a member of MEVAC for some time, Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control. 
If he becomes aware of his problem he can change. I have been through much therapy to get to the root of the problem. Patricia Evans is an expert on this issue, and i have been counseled by her.
Please contact her through her website and she will guide you through this.
My heart bleeds for you as i know very well the damage that this causes....
My prayers are with you....

Blessings...


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## sad_angel (Jul 10, 2012)

Your story really touched me as I have gone through being emotionally abused and mine was only for 4 years. 

I would plan on leaving the situation, you deserve better and so do you kids. Doing what is right for them and yourself should be number one on the list. Just need to have a plan and look at your options. I know sometimes the options don't seem like they are there but if you really look they are.

It was the hardest thing for me to approach my parents about if I had too could I move back home. I was SO afraid that they wouldn't understand cause of course they love my husband. I was afraid they would push me to stay in a marriage even if I wasn't happy. But talking with them was such a weight lifted and it was a start.

I am not sure if MC is an option for you. Or even IC. Either can help weather is it a better way to handle how your husband is or to understand what you really need to do.

Good luck to you!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I wish you the best of luck! I've been there in a similar way, but not 10 years. Only 2 years before I was really fed up. Plus, he had multiple PA's and EA's with as many women that would respond to him. When I packed my child and left I was completely disconnected from him. I could not take it any longer and I reached my own breaking point. I never believed him when he told me how lucky I was that he'd married me. I wasn't worthy of anyone else and he told me daily how worthless I was. He frequently called me every name possible too while screaming at the top of his lungs. There were many more issues I will not say on public internet. The day I left felt like a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I was free. I much prefer to be alone then living like this.

You are so much better off without him. It doesn't matter what other people think. They are not living in your shoes. You need to start living for yourself and not for others. You do not deserve to be treated this way, you deserve much better then this. Good luck.


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## Nala051 (Jul 21, 2012)

Your husband sounds like my boyfriend. I don't have advice for you because I am still in this bad relationship myself, but I want you to know that you are not alone. You'll get a lot help here. I understand how hard it is to leave, but reading about how other commenters who were in abusive relationships and able to leave and be happy again gives me hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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