# Opinion on Split Custody?



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Split custody is where you split the siblings up - one goes to live with Dad and the other(s) with mom.

First of all, let me say I am not going to pursue this in court, mainly because it would take a huge compelling pile of evidence and pleas (and even then it's dicey) to have a judge split up siblings.

In other words, I know when to fold or what battles to pick and this wouldn't be one of them.

But I wish my stb-x would put it on the table for mutual agreement. I suppose she doesn't have the perspective I have that even though your kids aren't living with you, they are still your kids, that she doesn't have to be as threatened by the idea as she thinks she does.

In essence, I would want her to entertain that when each of the boys turn 14, they live with me. That would mean our oldest next year would be mainly raised by me.

I know they say sibling relationships are your longest - you'll know your parents for 40 years, your kids for 40 years but often your siblings for 70-80 years. That's why courts are so hesitant to break them up.

My opinion is the boys need their dad more as they enter adolescence though and their mom less. No offense to the moms out there, for all you do and I admire, but at age 14 for boys, you are not the kissers of boo-boos anymore. And they certainly love you for it but I think it's time for them to learn independence and risk-taking from Dad. They need a father to learn how to be men and balance academics, sports, and work in that capacity.

What do the divorced moms with boys and girls think?

I suppose if I had 3 girls, I would be less likely to press it as the reverse is true - they would need a female around as the main presence.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> What do the divorced moms with boys and girls think?


I'm not a divorced Mom, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express... 

In all truthfulness I was mostly raised by my mom without a father. Your right, about 12 or 13 I became a PIA to my Mom. I was almost a foot taller, 80lbs heavier and I thought I could steam roll her over like a wet leaf. Let me tell ya something, that little 4'11" 100 lbs firebrand of a woman tamed me like a wild bronco. 

I would have liked to have a father around, but my Mom did get the job done! To this day I still do get pissed at times that my father never cared to be involved in my life. Going through that though was very powerful to show me the things I shouldn't do as a father myself. I think it's ideal for a child to have both parents involved in their lives. 

In the end, what matters the most to a child's well being is a loving and attentive parent of any gender, race or creed. Don't become an absent parent though Scanner, stay involved with the boys no matter how things happen with the divorce. You and your wife may not be able to be married, but you can still both be parents to your boys.

As per siblings, I couldn't tell you as I was an only child, so the whole brother/sister thing didn't apply to me.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

I was raised by a single mother and had two older sisters. I am 36 years old and my friends are still terrified of my mother, who is 4'11" 95 lbs. I never missed my dad growing up because he was never around as a young child, I think I am the strong independant man I am today because of my mother, she raised me to be the man of the house starting at young age. 

I think your situation could be different though, for which parent was the enforcer, which role did each of you play when they were young? If you have always been the male role model for your boys, then you will always be, so if they are living with you or not you will need to be there for them.

I think a woman can raise a good man, but she has to be ready for the role, so ask yourself and your STBX, is she?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, let's get one thing straight. . . I am not suggesting like I take him away, sequester him, and I raise him/them. I think that's the idea that women and my stb-x get - like "Oh gosh, I'll never get to see him!!!".

They get all panicky or something.

Of course I want her to be in his life (and all my boys as they turn 14 in this purely academic discussion).

In fact, I think this whole "parenting schedule" is a lot of malarkey - she could visit, take him overnights, etc. as much as she wanted as long as it didn't interfere with school (too much - I wouldn't mind 1-2 days of hooky/year) or his work too much in the summer. 

What? I am going to say no to help? (well she does; I guess I can kind of get where she's coming from - she thinks I would say no to her visiting like she says no to me) She could come in my house, help with homework, whatever. . .I would want any woman I was with to be absolutely comfortable with that or they could take a powder.

I am not sure if that's her motive with not having me come in the house. Intrusive to her and her boyfriend's lifestyle? Geez, it's not like I am asking to sleep in between them.

I just think it's probably best that they stay with me as they enter adolescence. I don't even care about the child support being reduced as I could probably work without having to get daycare/nanny.

As far as displinarian. . .hard call. . .I think both sets of parents would have probably agreed I was the main one during our marriage. That wasnt' to say she was a pushover but I was around a lot when they were younger and I set the rules and so forth.

The 13 year old and the 7 year old fight like cats and dogs anyway. . .I found it amusing when I suggested in an attorney negotiation letter (my 1 and only) I take the boys during the summer when they turn 14 so they can gain employment near me as there is a lot of summer work for teenagers. Her attorney wrote back, "My client is adimantly opposed to this and any 1 on 1 visitation with the kids because the children are so close and she doesnt' want to break them up."

LOL. If you only knew what a crock that was - they could both use a 10 week break from each other to appreciate each other more.

And for me to take 1 kid during the week for 3 hours? That's breaking them up?

It's dishonest discourse like that was the reason I broke off negotiation via attorneys. I mean, it could just go on and on and on in circles. She knows that was a bald-faced lie and was using that verbiage to signal us that they were going to plead that in front of a judge so a judge wouldn't break them up (if for even 10 weeks in teh summer) and disallow 1 on 1 time with my boys.

Okay, fine - I'll just take them all every Tuesday as school allows and let the older two put in their Dad Sentence.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

I think boy or girl, the child needs a mother's care in the early years of his or her life. There's a reason why years ago primary custody would automatically go to the mother in case of divorce, unless she was unable to care for the child. 
The attachment to the mother is always different than to the father. She's the one who carried the baby inside her and gave birth, breastfed and cared for it from day 1. 
Even when the dad is involved 110% it's still not the same. 

When the boys are older they can decide where they want to live permanently and teenage boys do need a mother to be around as much as a father. She plays a big role in how they grow up to treat their gf's or wife in the future.

But if it's only for the summer then I think it would be more than ok 
for them to stay with you. 

The thought of my husband getting custody of my baby and taking her from me freaks me out a lot. She's only half a year old and I can't imagine not being the one to take care of her and raise her. He can be as involved as he wants but I feel like like it's my job not his to do the main work. Or the thought that when my daughter grows up she might decide to move in with her dad scares me too but that's because we live in different countries. 

Also splitting up siblings is not the best idea. Yeah they fight, I fought with my brother until I got married and left lol but as I get older and look back even those fights were the best time we had together.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Thank you for your opinion, Cherryfest.

I think you and I are mostly in agreement. . .I do want them to be with their mother when they are younger. . .partially for the bonafide psychological reasons you wrote and I'll admit partially because I would end up just having to daycare them anyway and I work weird hours (working right now on a Sat). . .so. . .it's best for them.

The split may be problematic too from the standpoint right now they are craving 1 on 1 time with me. So. . .if the older one were all of the sudden to get it by getting to go live with Dad, the middle one would be immediately jealous (even though I would take him when he turned 14 of course and would still try to niche out time for him). ..the baby gets me every week all to himself mostly 1 day/week so the poor middle child would get shafted.

The problem is when I have all of them anyway it's about the toddler so I can't give him attention anyway. 

Oh well, I have really dwelled on this a lot and it's kind of an unsolvable problem on many dimensions. 

I'll just do my best between working 2 jobs to see them and make myself available to my stb-x and my kids if she wants me around in the house. If she doesn't, I understand. I want to try to focus on providing college for them vs. all this "visiting" anyway. The time we have had together during our separation, with the older ones, haven't been quality anyway.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

PS: This is unrelated to the topic of split custody but I found this one family who my family was extremely close to while growing up had an interesting agreement - they both agreed whomever remarried first would get custody of their daughter.

The father remarried first and the daughter went to live with her father and stepmom.

When she was about 12, she did go back with her mother for 1 year but she was so unstable, she migrated back to her father was the story they told me when I went to them for advice (I spoke to the stepmom about this and asked her the personal question and got her advice).

Now you all may find this agreement kind of "weird" but I found "the pact" interesting. . .the idea behind it was "Whomever was the most stable gets the kids" and it was assumed that 2 parents (step and/or biological) was more stable than 1.

It wasn't about feeling "panicky" about not "having" the kids.

Right now. . .my stb-x is definitely more stable - she has the healthcare, she has the family support that I don't have (my parents have marginal health), she has a 9 to 5 job. . .but who knows - that may change. Maybe I would get remarried and all of the sudden I am equally as stable or moreso. . . I would hope then I could open up a bigger niche for all of my kids.

Frankly, I think she would remarry first though - she's got a boyfriend and all and I saw an email that they are planning to spend the rest of their lives together and "I love you" and whatnot.

I suppose I should open up a dialogue with her on all of this but whenever I mention him, she shuts down. I guess she's embarrassed at her behavior on some level.


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