# Need Advice - Stay or go (long)



## where to go from here (Jun 22, 2013)

Never posted on a site before but really could use some good advice. Here is my situation. I found out in early June my wife was having an affair with a work colleague for the past 18 months when they traveled together on business (physically meeting up 1x per month and talking basically daily). We have been married 13 years with 3 kids 12,5 and 3. This is her second affair - she had one about a decade ago that we moved on from but in retrospect never addressed the underlying problem. We live a good life - not that it should matter but we both have very good jobs and are well off financially. We have moved across the county together for my work and lived in some great places. I think she likes our life together. 

The last 3 weeks have been pure hell. The first week I spent half the time consoling her because she was so distraught and I was basically in shock. That made me feel like the last time - that we can recover from this. Now I think most of her despair was that she is a perfectionist who couldn't deal with the fact that she did this and there was a possibility she could lose her job and family. As time goes by that doesn't seem likely and she seems back to being closer to herself. She has always been a no BS person and I have not handled this well. I have been talking about this non-stop and have been very upset and emotional, going from being fine to basically just crying and being sad all the time. I think she has lost all respect for me. It is just so difficult to not talk about it - it is eating me alive. It has definitely pushed her away.

After all this we seem to have gotten to the root of the problem - she now tells me that she doesn't have any passion or desire for me and hasn't basically since we first got married and she was pregnant with our oldest child. I will admit I wasn't the best husband at the time and she felt ignored for years and now she claims she wanted to leave me then but felt trapped. 10 years later she says that is what led to the first affair - she has a need for desire and passion but just not with me. We have never had a very active sex life and I guess I should have figured this out years ago but I had no idea this was the case. Now she can't even kiss or hug me. She has always been very passive aggressive and I think she has a ton of resentment towards me and has since the very beginning. It has been smoldering for years and now is just bursting through. Now when we talk she is aggressive, angry, shows no empathy towards me or the kids about this situation etc. She claims she is just being honest now but her anger is palpable - it actually is helping me some - why would I stay with someone like that who basically despises me and has no respect for me?

We went to see a MC last week and talked about a lack of intimacy. However after all this time I am just not sure how to come back from this. The MC suggested that we do more to invest in the relationship with dates etc. but it just seems forced with someone who has no desire to be with me. And isn't a physical issue. I have always stayed in shape, if anything I am in better shape now in my early 40s then I was in my 20s. Plus she is still going through withdrawal longing for the OM - who is married, 15 years older then her, totally out of shape and a serial philanderer who broke off communication with her as soon as his wife found out. I even warned her about him when she started working with him on projects because I knew about his past. Last night while we were shopping and trying to do something normal I just lost it when she said she still missed him and basically told her she needs to think about who is still here trying to help her and not someone who dropped her like a bad habit as soon as he was found out. 

I am just not sure what to do. The logical part of me tells me that this isn't fixable, there is no way to get the passion back from our dating years and I should be an adult, stop the whining and move on with my life. I consulted with an attorney last week and am strongly considering filing for divorce. I am not sure if I should or if I should give this more time and hope that as time goes by she sorts out her emotions and stops longing for the OM. I do love her more than anything in my life and I don't want to break up my family. I love our life together. I think she would stay with me for the kids sake in some form of an open marriage if we can't resolve the intimacy issues but I am not doing that. She wants her cake and eat it to. 

I am also trying to sort out whether or not my concern is fear of being alone or really about her. I feel like at my age (early 40s) I can find someone else that may actually want to be with me. Not some fake marriage that will end the minute our youngest is off the college (that is what her parents did). I think it is at least worth a shot vs. staying in something that has basically been a fraud for 13 years. I don't want to waste my time in a hopeless situation. I worry about my kids but I think I can at least get 50-50 shared custody and am hoping that will still allow me to be a father to them which really is the most important issue to me. I am really torn on what to do and would appreciate any advice.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Op I am so sorry for your pain but I personally think you need to move on. Its a shame that the first affair wasn't addressed properly cause her lack of passion and desire for you means that she will seek it elsewhere..as she is doing again.

You are still young to start again


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

How do you feel about the fact that this will all happen again?

It has happened twice now and she has been open enough to tell you she does not have a connection with you and is there only for the kids.

Her longing for the OM is the biggest sign that it is over and noth that she is longing for "him" but the fact that it a longing for "someone else", if it was not him it could have been anyone, it just would never have been you.

If you con do it ammicably then split it all and separate, take time to see things from a new perspective, every ommission so far has been to say that you marriage was a sham from the very start, it just got complicated with kids early on!!

If you stay together for the kids it either will happen again when a new man catches her eye or as you admitted she will up and leave when the kids are older.

Your choice ultimately but I think I would bail on the fact that this is strike 2 and the next one could well be single and she could end up leaving you with 3 kids and running off to be with her new love!!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How did you and the OMW find out? What has your wife done to make this right?

The conventional wisdom here is that a serial cheater can not be fixed.

There are two links to two books below in my signature, read them as fast as possible, especially MMSLP, it will show you what went wrong.

Before you break down or cry in front of her again, get away from her. NEVER do that again.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, if they still work together you have no hope of reconcilliation, as a matter of fact they have probably taken the affair underground.

From the way she is acting, is sounds like she wants a divorce. Have you told anyone what she has done..............again?


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

chapparal said:


> How did you and the OMW find out? What has your wife done to make this right?
> 
> The conventional wisdom here is that a serial cheater can not be fixed.
> 
> ...


So true about the crying in front of her. The reason being that the idea of a sensitive man being preferred over a more stoic one is a recent construct. Sensitivity, completely open about how wounded you are, these things are trying to tap into higher brain functions. Rationally you expect her to respect this openness, and feel a need to reciprocate. She won't, the fog or selfishness is simply too thick. Instead, consider your actions and how they affect her cerebellum, the older reptile brain, if you will. Strength, confidence, action. Her response may not even be something she consciously notices, but her sense of you will change. You're not boxing away those feelings permanently, but do not put them on display.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you want to divorce or just get control go to this link and follow it religiously, it is NOT intended to save a marriage but that can possibly be side effect by showing strength.

The Healing Heart: The 180

This page is copyrighted and cannot be posted


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is another helpful post by Marduk

*Originally Posted by marduk View Post 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything!*


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you decide to reconcile, here is a list of things, The Wayward Spouse Instructions, that your wife must follow. Print them off and see if she will go along.

I am neither recommending divorce or reconciliation, but just your description of the man she did this with would make me throw her out.

This list may also bring home what she has done. it has worked for many couples.

_*Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly! * _


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Divorce. This one is hopeless, beyond redemption. Even if she seems remorseful, don't waste your life trying to build intimacy where it doesn't exist. That she lost her attraction to you is her problem. With a nice body and a great disposition, attracting a younger, faithful and hotter woman shouldn't be a problem. Leave her to her own selfish devices. Don't waste your life on a cheating wife.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

There is no 3 strikes with infidelity.

If anything, it should be 1 strike your out.

She cheated before, ripped your heart out, saw how much pain it caused. If she, knowing what it would do to you, did it again, she can not possibly love you, respect you, or have any regards for your feelings.

You need to leave. Anything short of that you are cheating yourself out of the possibility for a healthy relationship.

Get counselling because no healthy person would allow this.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

where to go from here said:


> Never posted on a site before...


But at least you know *all* of the lingo and how to break up the story perfectly into paragraphs.

I'm with Bjorn. Divorce is the only option in this one.


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## where to go from here (Jun 22, 2013)

Thanks - I appreciate everyone's responses. As for whether I have talked to anyone I have with a few friends of mine from work who I have known for years. Also with an individual therapist. I may talk to my brother but I did that last time and it got back to my folks which my wife always resented. So I am not sure that I will do that until I have decided to move on.

I think the OM is definitely out of the picture. The situation is complicated but he was a high level executive at a major corporation where she worked and was terminated from his job over the affair. He lives in another state and they maintained the PA by traveling to be together and the EA through chat/IM. In any case he cut it off with her saying he was going to try and work it out with his wife. It has put her job in jeopardy which is another huge cloud hanging over this situation. If anything she is remorseful for him losing his job and her career situation than anything else. Not even for our kids really. 

What is really hard to take for me is that she doesn't seem to grasp that part of his attraction was his status that he now lost. I agree with the posters above that it could have been anyone but that clearly had a role. The way she still holds him in esteem, when really there is very little redeeming quality there, over someone who is trying to help her pick up the pieces is really insulting and probably as good an indicator as any that I need to move on. I told her this last night and she just got angry and said I was being demeaning towards her. 

I do think the attraction issue is real and has been for some time. Not sure why that happened - I was probably caught up in my job and other things when we first got married but it also on her about actually saying what she wants and not being passive aggressive about everything. My only hang up is doing right by my kids.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

If you don't at least file for divorce right now, there's now hope. She obviously isn't worried about you ever leaving her when she cheats on you and she's right. So far anyway...

You can go through the motions again... and again, and again. Nothing's going to change. She has to loose you before you'll ever know if she'll try to win you back.

You need to start worrying about and working on yourself. Your WS doesn't value you that much. Improve your value and she may come around, but who knows, by then you may want to move on. Find a women that will love, respect and be loyal to you.

I'd start by going 180 on her, right this minute. Contact a lawyer and start getting ready to file for D. You can always change your mind before the court date in 6-12 months. All though, I can't imagine why you would.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Listen to your brain. She is a classic serial cheater. As soon as the last child is out of the house so will she be. No regret, no shame cuckolding you for years. And it is your fault she says. You guard the progeny while she opens her legs to other men for her thrills. Stop blaming yourself. File tomorrow. You deserve better. I bet there have been many more affairs she has just not been caught in. To drive the point across about how much of a liar you think she is tell her you are going to DNA test the kids.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

where to go from here said:


> Thanks - I appreciate everyone's responses. As for whether I have talked to anyone I have with a few friends of mine from work who I have known for years. Also with an individual therapist. I may talk to my brother but I did that last time and it got back to my folks which my wife always resented. So I am not sure that I will do that until I have decided to move on.
> 
> I think the OM is definitely out of the picture. The situation is complicated but he was a high level executive at a major corporation where she worked and was terminated from his job over the affair. He lives in another state and they maintained the PA by traveling to be together and the EA through chat/IM. In any case he cut it off with her saying he was going to try and work it out with his wife. It has put her job in jeopardy which is another huge cloud hanging over this situation. If anything she is remorseful for him losing his job and her career situation than anything else. Not even for our kids really.
> 
> ...


IF this was her first affair and you just found out I'd advise you to wait before coming to any decision.

But no, this is her second affair, that you know of. She doesn't respect you, she never did. And as hard as it is, you need to accept it. By doing nothing you're not respecting yourself either and that's like hanging a sign around your neck saying ABUSE ME. That's what she's been doing for the past decade. infidelity is abuse. The fact that she isn't even remotely concerned about your hurt is telling of how she views you. Do you want to stay in a relationship with such a person? Does anyone want to? The moment you stop respecting yourself is the moment people will walk all over you and no amount of begging and pleading will make them stop unless you take a stand.

Your kids are gonna be fine. They will be affected but if you are strong for them they will be okay. You think they don't know what's going on or that they can't pick up on the fact that their mother acts like a b!tch in front of their dad? 

You've already taken a step in the right direction by getting a consultation with your lawyer.


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## where to go from here (Jun 22, 2013)

I have spoken to my lawyer. Part of the pressure I am feeling right now to make a decision is that I live in an at-fault divorce state. I can file now with no waiting period on the grounds of adultery and pretty much, given that there is no disputing the affair, I pretty much have all of the leverage. If I try to work it out with her I could lose that and then what happens? I spend 5 more years or whatever waiting for the other shoe to drop? Seems like it is probably best, based upon the advice, I have been given to suck it up and move on. I wish it wasn't that way and my heart really wants to be with her but my brain is telling me that would be foolish. 

I thought about maybe doing a trial separation first to see if that will cause her to see the light, and if she saw me as a stronger person and realized what she was losing that some of the desire would come back. But I am not sure what difference there is between that and just filing for divorce. If I file I will see where she truly stands - although she is extremely strong willed so my guess is if that starts she will see it through. Either way I am stuck dealing with her for at least another 15 years so probably best to think of this as a business transaction.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

What does your wife say is the cause of all her resentment?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

where to go from here said:


> I have spoken to my lawyer. Part of the pressure I am feeling right now to make a decision is that I live in an at-fault divorce state. I can file now with no waiting period on the grounds of adultery and pretty much, given that there is no disputing the affair, I pretty much have all of the leverage. If I try to work it out with her I could lose that and then what happens? I spend 5 more years or whatever waiting for the other shoe to drop? Seems like it is probably best, based upon the advice, I have been given to suck it up and move on. I wish it wasn't that way and my heart really wants to be with her but my brain is telling me that would be foolish.
> 
> I thought about maybe doing a trial separation first to see if that will cause her to see the light, and if she saw me as a stronger person and realized what she was losing that some of the desire would come back. But I am not sure what difference there is between that and just filing for divorce. If I file I will see where she truly stands - although she is extremely strong willed so my guess is if that starts she will see it through. Either way I am stuck dealing with her for at least another 15 years so probably best to think of this as a business transaction.


Given what you've posted about how your wife has acted, how angry she is at you, don't do anything to ruin your advantage in the divorce case.

Tell your wife that you are angry with her for lying to you for all these years, not so much about the affairs, but for her lying about her feelings toward you. Tell her if that's how she felt you could have divorced years ago, now you feel like you've been duped. You loved her all these years while she lied about loving you. All so she could have her cake and eat it too. Just so she could have her nice comfortable respectable lifestyle, and an other man on the side. No concern for you or the kids, just herself. Selfish.

Everyone who posts here wants to reconcile, but it takes two to tango.

What does your wife say about the possibility of divorce?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

where to go from here said:


> I have spoken to my lawyer. Part of the pressure I am feeling right now to make a decision is that I live in an at-fault divorce state. I can file now with no waiting period on the grounds of adultery and pretty much, given that there is no disputing the affair, I pretty much have all of the leverage. If I try to work it out with her I could lose that and then what happens? I spend 5 more years or whatever waiting for the other shoe to drop? Seems like it is probably best, based upon the advice, I have been given to suck it up and move on. I wish it wasn't that way and my heart really wants to be with her but my brain is telling me that would be foolish.
> 
> I thought about maybe doing a trial separation first to see if that will cause her to see the light, and if she saw me as a stronger person and realized what she was losing that some of the desire would come back. But I am not sure what difference there is between that and just filing for divorce. If I file I will see where she truly stands - although she is extremely strong willed so my guess is if that starts she will see it through. Either way I am stuck dealing with her for at least another 15 years so probably best to think of this as a business transaction.


Listen to your brain. She pines about the OM in front of you. No regard for you or your marriage. A trial separation is basically a license for her to sleep around in the open. Do not do that. Divorce her now. She can always perform the steps to try and stop the divorce AND fix the marriage. If she does not want to fight for her marriage better to divorce now than later. It would be a more honest life for you and your children and a happier one.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Given your current legal situation, I would advise you to immediately file for divorce on the grounds of adultery.

If she really wants to reconcile and be remorseful, you can always stop the proceedings later.

Do not have ANY sexual intercourse with her.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

where to go from here said:


> I have spoken to my lawyer. Part of the pressure I am feeling right now to make a decision is that I live in an at-fault divorce state. I can file now with no waiting period on the grounds of adultery and pretty much, given that there is no disputing the affair, I pretty much have all of the leverage. If I try to work it out with her I could lose that and then what happens? I spend 5 more years or whatever waiting for the other shoe to drop? Seems like it is probably best, based upon the advice, I have been given to suck it up and move on. I wish it wasn't that way and my heart really wants to be with her but my brain is telling me that would be foolish.
> 
> I thought about maybe doing a trial separation first to see if that will cause her to see the light, and if she saw me as a stronger person and realized what she was losing that some of the desire would come back. But I am not sure what difference there is between that and just filing for divorce. If I file I will see where she truly stands - although she is extremely strong willed so my guess is if that starts she will see it through. Either way I am stuck dealing with her for at least another 15 years so probably best to think of this as a business transaction.


When you have leverage, use it. Listen to your brain. Don't throw away an advantage. From here on out you really need to treat your marriage and the divorce as a business transaction. Getting out with the least damage possible should be your agenda. If you have evidence of the affair use it to your advantage. Give it to your lawyer and see what he has to say about it. If you can reach a 50/50 custody settlement with you being the primary custodian, celebrate christmas early.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

We've seen it time and again, in these forums and in life, cheaters don't respect you if you allow them to take advantage of you. You've been too nice, comforting her after her cheating, as she was reeling from losing the love of her life and maybe her job, after she stabbed you in the back.

Take this as a wakeup call to re-claim your life. Don't let her steal any more years from you. If you are going to reconcile, she's got to be 100% committed to it, and committed to you, not ANGRY and AGGRESSIVE with you after what she's done to you.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

where to go from here said:


> Seems like it is probably best, based upon the advice, I have been given to suck it up and move on. I wish it wasn't that way and *my heart really wants to be with her *but my brain is telling me that would be foolish.


She has to want to be with you, too. She told you she is FINALLY being honest. She doesn't have any passion or attraction for you. She is aggressive and angry with you. So how is reconciliation going to work under those circumstances? Are you going to be extra nice to her so she starts to like you again?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Even if you hope to stay with her you need to file right now for D because you need to get her attention focused on you.

She isn't putting effort into or wanting the marriage because she sees you as the always available fall back plan. You've kind of proven her right when you took her back after the first affair, and even now after her second one you are all about saving the marriage.

You even let her play the victim card and make this all about how she feels and what she's lost etc.

She has zero fear of loosing you and she doesn't value you because she doesn't have to earn you or fight for you, instead you just give your 1000% support and commitment to her.

Like when she was pining for the OM right to your face. What you should have done us hold her accountable for bring so callous,and left her there. You should have told her to call him for a ride home because you were leaving. You should have got up and just left her there.

My advice- 

File for D due to adultery, name the OM, and consider naming the company for facilitation.

Tell her she has from now to D being signed to change your mind. You will go to MC, you will spend time with her, but you will also proceed with the D and will begin preparing for your new life.

So she better pick her side and her or priorities and get focused on them.

You should find some positive you only hobbies immediately that gives you time away from her and a social outlet. Things like mountain biking, a adult soccer league etc.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

where to go from here said:


> The way she still holds him in esteem, when really there is very little redeeming quality there, over someone who is trying to help her pick up the pieces is really insulting and probably as good an indicator as any that I need to move on. I told her this last night and *she just got angry and said I was being demeaning towards her.*


She's so hooked up with this man... so revealing. And she cheats on you, for a second time that you know about for the last 1'5 years and you are demeaning to her? Good Lord.

*Believe her* man, she already told you he doesn't love you, feels repulsed by you, feel trapped for more than a decade. *Believe her*.

Hard 180, complete detachment. Don't engage, bussiness.
File for divorce, get what you neeed, take adventage.

I'm sure this latest affair is no more than the tip of the icerberg.
Move on.


ETA
Just read the following post. Please file on grounds of adultery, get the better deal out of it or use it as leverage. Don't sleep with her, ever! It will condone the adultery.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

Stop waiting for her to 'see the light' and think logically about this situation. And stop being emotional around her. Crying, pouting, and whining while she is cold and detached from the M will just turn her off.

You seem to have been a passive nice guy over the years. Women tend to lose passionate interest in that over time. It is what's brought you to this situation.

Time to start acting strong and show her a different you.

Expose to your families/friends, file divorce papers, and only speak to her about the kids and divorce. Do not get emotional around her.

When she sees you detaching and moving on, she may snap out of her 'fog' and begin to show true remorse and a willingness to do what is necessary to save your M. Your will allow her to possibly rediscover her attraction for you and decide she doesn't want to lose your relationship.

She will not be attracted to an emotional doormat.

So stop acting like one.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ask her when she intends to grow up? She has three children and a husband. She cannot remain Suzie Teen for ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The Healing Heart: The 180
Just Let Them Go
No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

WTGFH, I'm not sure if it's from fear, denial, or laziness that's driving your actions and thoughts but I know it's not logic or self worth. The stage has been set now. It's not like pretending things are okay can fix it either. She's done intolerable things to you and you've responded in weak and unattractive ways already once and now starting to do the same thing twice.

If you don't place worth on yourself then why do you think she would? No, your opportunity to reconcile was ten years ago. That opportunity isn't there anymore IMO.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Wheretogo---file your D, so you are covered, as to legalities

If at some point in time in the future----you still want her, and she decides, that maybe you are worth being with--(which right now, from her POV, you ain't), the 2 of you can start dating---and maybe start a new relationship

What really bothers me is, that in all of this---she doesn't seem to give much of a rat's a*s, about her own flesh and blood kids----is she so locked into status symbols, that her kids, along with you just sit on the back burner

Do not go after her job----hopefully she can retain it--as you don't want to have to pay alimony if possible----you might in this instance also go after full custody---she might not even contest you, for as I said above--she doesn't seem to want much to do with her own kids----they seem to be an impediment, to her going out an getting other men to like her.

Remember one thing---you get one trip thru life on this planet----ONLY ONE---you got a good 10-15 yrs, before things will start to change, and slow down, for you----you need to go out and TAKE PART IN LIFE, AND GET SOME ENJOYMENT OUT OF IT---STAYING WITH THIS WOMAN, IS SENTENCING YOURSELF TO LIVING IN MISERY FOR A GOOD PORTION OF WHAT IS LEFT OF YOUR ONE TRIP THRU LIFE


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

You ask why she was into this guy, it was all about power. Show her your power to divorce her and make the pos a codefendent at the divorce trial.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

Over the next 15 years, considering her history, you may hear enough shoes dropping that you'll think you married a centipede.

Your residence in one of the few states that give the betrayed an advantage in a divorce should not be squandered. File for divorce and then see what her response is but be very sure if or when you decide to stop the process.

Good luck,

Seasalt


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I agree with everything shaggy said, except for the part about MC. Just drop the dead weight.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

File.

Show her real consequences for her horrible long term decisions (affair).

You and your kids deserve better.

And your wife needs a serious wakeup call.

And you need to show her some real backbone.

So get those D papers served. 

Then shut your mouth, stop crying in front of her, stop questioning her.

Watch her actions and listen closely to what she says.

You are now seeing the real woman you are married to.

The one you love is a fake.

HM64


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> File.
> 
> Show her real consequences for her horrible long term decisions (affair).
> 
> ...


Best advice post-affair is to ALWAYS serve the D papers, then watch the actions over a period of a few months. 90+% will continue the affair or go single crazy. True colors....


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Divorce and don't halt it either. If she really wants you, she can woo you back once the divorce is done. You then get R and the settlement that will be on your favour and also your fall back if she ever screws you over again. You don't have to be married to be in love and in a relationship.


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## where to go from here (Jun 22, 2013)

I appreciate everyone's responses. I think I know what I need to do. Hardest thing I will ever have to do but I guess I don't have any choice. It is just stunning in a way to go from what you thought was a happy family one day to learning the entire thing was a fraud the next. I think I am still in shock three weeks later. At least I have three great kids out of it and can move on while I am relatively young all things considered.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

where to go from here said:


> I appreciate everyone's responses. I think I know what I need to do. Hardest thing I will ever have to do but I guess I don't have any choice. It is just stunning in a way to go from what you thought was a happy family one day to learning the entire thing was a fraud the next. I think I am still in shock three weeks later. At least I have three great kids out of it and can move on while I am relatively young all things considered.


I know it sucks man. You're in good company, many of us have been there. It's the hardest thing you'll go through but in the end you'll be a better man for it. Have hope, life gets better. This is a small bump on the road.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Ok Friend. Now all the facts are laid out in black and white for you. She cheated. You forgave and what did you get for being a good thoughtful husband and father. Another man bedding your wife, and to put a cherry on top of the crap sundae she handed to you, she tells you she has no love or passion for you. Never mind that you forgave her for being a cheat, this is what has been handed to you. 

It's one thing if she would have at the very least shown remorse for her indiscretion but she has now escaladed to humiliating you by saying in so many word that your not worthy of HER LOVE and taking your dignity and self respect and using it for toilet paper. 

She has the gall to be resentful because you told your family that she cheated. She adores this guy at work thinking that he's the best thing since sliced bread and a bag of chips. Did I cover it all?

So now the $64 dollar question. Why the he!! would you want to be with a woman like that. She offers you nothing but disrespect and cheats on you twice SO FAR. You have kids but your not divorcing them, your divorcing her. You can still be a great dad and love them and be there for them and not live under the same roof with them. I have said this before on other posts. I was divorced 21 years ago when my daughter was 6 and she knew I loved her and was always there for her. I spent quality time with her and that didn't mean always having to take them to this place or that but quality time at my home playing a game or watching TV and talking to her and listening to her. She's now 27, married and we have a great relationship. One thing I never did was to bad mouth her mother even though the woman cheated on me but that was between her mother and me. The kid stayed out of ear shot if things need to be talked about.

Divorce the woman. She doesn't deserve someone to treat her like a lady with honor and dignity. That's her fault. You can go to the store and buy a pound of steak but there is no place you can go and buy someone's love. it's either there or it isn't. I hope you make the right choice for yourself.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Hey brother, IMHO the first was never dealt with . My take is after three years, she has a fling. Not good. I'm sorry man, whenever I read a husband or wife in less than a five year marriage, looking for candy elsewhere. The marriage was/is in trouble. I am also in my 40's, I can tell you from just my experience and the way I do business, I don't give chances in that department, much less a second.
There are reasons for the infidelity, sure who cares, no attention, not enough hugs. The list is endless. In my first marriage that lasted 20 years, all was good until that day. Then I'm a dog pile for not trying. Nope, another man was in you. In my mind, I no longer wanted to touch her. Period. I walked and walked fast.
How can you leave me in my time of need? was the big question she asked. I said just like this, as I handed her the divorce papers.

I know you have a few years under your belt, with kids. It's not easy. But for the kids sake, they do not need to bare witness to the yelling and fighting and everything else that comes with this. I'm not in your shoes, but I have been in your shoes. Will it hurt, yep, will you live, YES! Good luck to you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Two things I would do immediately.

Print out a divorce packet for your state, if they are not online you can pick one up from the county courthouse. Make sure your wife sees it. Let her stew on that awhile and see if her fog evaporates.

Did you print out the wayward spouse instructions and give it to her and gauge her reactions?

Put the om on CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know and his picture. Use the anonymous feature to send him and your wife a link.
This will put a big smile on your face, wipe the one off his face and put a frown on his potential employers. Just state the facts as you know them and do not embellish.


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## itom72 (Apr 12, 2012)

Divorce and don't look back.

Given your wife's attitude towards you, there's good reason to doubt that the two youngest kids are biologically yours. DNA them if you want to know for sure - although you'll be paying CS for them regardless.


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## where to go from here (Jun 22, 2013)

The reasons for infidelity are complicated but pretty sure it stems from a lack of attention back when we first got married. I was really busy in my job at the time working on a major project and she was pregnant with our first and I don't think she has ever gotten over that. There is a lot of resentment there that is finally coming out now. I have great job that provides her pretty much whatever she wants. The shame of it is that this didn't surface until now and could have been dealt with. That still doesn't condone her actions. She could have just said something vs. internalizing everything.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

She had other choices than cheating if she was unhappy. 
You can forgive once, but twice? You'll always live with doubt and the years will fly by.
I saw a couple in their 70's in MC for his cheating ways, it was chilling to see the hurt that his spouse had lived with all those years. 
Many men are busy with their jobs when they first marry, the majority would be in that category. That has nothing to do with having sex with other men.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

where to go from here said:


> The reasons for infidelity are complicated but pretty sure it stems from a lack of attention back when we first got married. I was really busy in my job at the time working on a major project and she was pregnant with our first and I don't think she has ever gotten over that. There is a lot of resentment there that is finally coming out now. I have great job that provides her pretty much whatever she wants. The shame of it is that this didn't surface until now and could have been dealt with. That still doesn't condone her actions. She could have just said something vs. internalizing everything.


Look at it this way. After the divorce, if she realizes what she lost, she can have all the joy and romance of winning you back. If she doesn't feel like doing that, then your marriage was doomed from the start. Don't back down, even if she comes to you claiming she's rethought things before the divorce is final. You need to find out whether she's just looking to use you as a meal ticket or actually sees you as the love of her life. She's an accomplished liar so this is the only way.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Yes you are in shock but that will eventually subside. 

But at the end of the day your wife is saying that she has no desire for you. She will carry on cheating on you that's for certain. ;-(


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