# Guide me please. I am an emotional ping pong ball.



## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

Facts: I have posted before but here is summary:

Married ten years, dated for five. Age: both mid 30's. both working,both very successful careers. two young children. Our oldest has learning disability (nothing major but has taken a toll on us). 

Wife had an affair DD Sept'13 that lasted three weeks (business trip and then once more --he is local). Trickled truth for months. I discovered the affair. She has been remorseful since discovery. She claims no contact since Dec '13. She remains at the same company (large company). I have not forced her to quit(more on that later.....)

We attempted MC. I quit after 4 months. She started IC and continues. 

I:
Having trouble sleeping at night. (was on antidepressant/sleeping medication but have stopped). I fall asleep and then wake up for several hours every night (usually around 3am). My wife wakes up with me and calms me down with soothing methods (talks calmly to me, back scratching, etc). 

Often soothe my emotional pain with alcohol (I never had an issue with alcohol before DD). I sometimes drink too much. Often I abuse alcohol when I have anger built up so much that my head is pounding all day and run to alcohol to escape. It calms me, it soothes me, but I make bad decisions (storming out of the house drunk to the nearest bar)...... this is less and less but occurs every three-four weeks.

Often think about having a revenge affair. Something to even the score. Something to let her feel the same pain I am going through. I know in the end this does nothing but bring more pain, but sometimes I get the in "I don't give a f***" mindset 

Often think about divorce. I am very successful, still young, and keep in shape, I could find the trophy wife ten years my Jr. I have not asked her to leave her job b/c it is a good job and if I choose the D route, I want her to be able to make good money for the kids (we live in a state that is difficult to divorce and the woman almost always keeps the kids). 

Anger. five months ago it was just anger. Now it's anger towards her. Hence why I contemplate a RA. 

------------------------

So here I am--in a Dante's First Circle, wanting to work things out, but not feeling fully committed (I guess it's fear of being hurt again.) Limbo- but it beats the first three months after DD and also the anger stage that has seemed to diminish the last three months. So the emotional rollercoaster continues.... 



I recognize our marriage wasn't great before, not excusing the affair, just reality. We both settled on "well this is marriage",...passion gone, romance gone. Discovering that our oldest child has a disability took us over the edge, especially on how we viewed/how to handle the disability. 

Any advice/comments from the veterans that have (un)successfully been through this? 

I am drained....


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She needs to get a new job; that she hasn't is probably contributing a LOT to your anxiety.


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

pauslon said:


> I am drained....


Yeah being in perpetual Limbo does that to you.

You will stay like that too while she still works for the same company as the POSOM.

She damaged you severely with trickle truth. All the calm talk and back scratches in the middle of the night aren't going to make that damage go away. Do you KNOW that you have ALL the truth now? 

What's the point of a RA? That makes you as bad a person as she is.
It also causes even more damage to your poor kids.

No wonder you feel the way you do. So much unfinished business between you two, the resentment is reeking out of you.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Well, your deal sucks. Unfortunately you're caught in the middle of life/kids/work, all that.

A pity she didn't invest the energy she used to medicate herself toward you, or your marriage. Now, she's tarnished things to an irrevocable degree, it seems. I'm also of the "can't forgive" mindset, sadly. 

At your age, you've got a messed up decision to make. Live with adultery, or break up your family. Remind her of that next time she gets up with you in the night.

Good luck with your decision. Wish I had some magic words of comfort or healing, but what is there, really?


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

you sound like someone who won't get over this. walk away now. Don't torture yourself or her for longer than necessary.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

So sorry man. This sounds horrible. Having kids in the mix really makes it difficult.

I feel anxious just thinking about your position.

Is there any way you can take some time and be on your own for a while?

What really helped me was a surf trip (boat charter) with a bunch of random guys. It didn't feel like it did anything, but it does. It just gradually brings down the anxiety. I would suggest at least 2 weeks by yourself, no contact.

Make a decision when you get back.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

pauslon said:


> I could find the trophy wife ten years my Jr. I have not asked her to leave her job b/c it is a good job and if I choose the D route, I want her to be able to make good money for the kids (we live in a state that is difficult to divorce and the woman almost always keeps the kids).


I haven't been through it but here's my take and a question. If you decide to bolt, which is probably what you should have done to begin with, is a "trophy wife" what you think a man really needs. If you do, go for it. You're the one living with your decision. I'd recommend a trophy girlfriend or trophy mistress but not a trophy wife. Trophy and high maintenance are oftentimes synonymous. Ten years younger is a good call. I'm speaking from experience.

I'll get slammed but if you decide to "step out", you're just evening the score. Again its your call but do it for fun and not revenge. Folks talk about how mollifying it is to punish the spouse's affair partner. Well this may well be the equivalent for you Dawg. When you do it however, the marriage further down the drain. You need to know that. In every marriage, one spouse or the other claims the high ground and supports the weaker one in each and every problem, the disability for example, the partnership faces. No high ground will be left for anybody to claim.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

pauslon,

I remember your threads and how much you were struggling with the continued TT and her lies.

I remember you were gonna ask her for a poly for Christmas.

But if I remember at the time, her story was that ot only happened on the business trip one night, and then again the next morning after she missed her flight.

But now you are sharing that there was one more time after the trip was done?

Did this come out with the poly or did you get her to confess in some other way?

There is nothing more damaging for a BS IMO that the continued lying and deception of the WS.

I consider it a continuation of the A (as I've stated on other threads)....it is a continuation of the betrayal of the BS.

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling, but if more truth keeps being slowly exposed it is not surprising.

Do you truly believe you have all the truth now, or do you still suspect things are being hidden?

If you still feel she is not truthful, filing for D might be your only path forward to heal yourself.

I feel sorry for you man.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Paulson, I had given you my original response on this whole affair in your older thread. Of course you have anger and doubt about this relationship. Let me remind you of the real summary not the one you have provided in this thread:


She met the POSOM many more times than she originally told you.

She had sex with him (including oral) more times than she told you.

When you blew it up she apologised to him.

When you told his wife and he, as a result ignored your wife, your wife got mad with him.

She had an emotional connection with him, not just sex.

You were her first and she had not experienced other men when you married. This job gave her an opportunity to do just that.

Even when you were in R and found out some more facts, she lied about them when you looked into her eyes and asked her.

She is still in the same job, same company as POSOM, same environment for men to hit on her with no real consequences for what she did.

Now she is giving you great sex and "helping" you as a sign of remorse.

I do not believe that you know everything about what went on and never will.
You are NEVER going to regain trust in her - you would be a fool to trust her given what I said above. You chose to give her a second chance given all of the above because you think that she is basically a good woman. I will never understand the "she is basically a good woman" bit. I understand that you are infatuated with her and worry about "losing" her.

So unfortunately, this is a pain you are going to have to live with and maybe, just maybe, over time you will become numb to it.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Questions for you:


Did you expose the affair and the POSOM? If not why didn't you?

What consequences has your WW faced for the affair and the pain she caused you? What has she given up or cost her? If the answer is nothing, then this could be a major contributor to your pain. You could be hurting because you let her get away with this Scott free. (I don't believe The bullsh1t that the WS hurts as much as the BS)

If your in this much pain, why are you staying with her? Are kids the reason you are staying? Or is it because you think you still love her? Or are you afraid of being single again. Leaving is always a valid option and in my opinion, the better option in your situation. You don't have to reconcile with her.

Don't write off a revenge affair. I'm one of the few people here who believe that a revenge affair has value in helping you heal. It levels the playing field between you and your WS because now she didn't get away with the affair Scott Free.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Get out of your own skin. Take a week off work. Go away, someplace you can be alone and think. Someplace you enjoy or have always wanted to go. But someplace not too distracting. 

Don't drink or try to stay busy, just enjoy yourself and wrestle with your thoughts. See what your gut is telling you. 


Anger and anxiety are normal. But they should diminish, not increase. If they are increasing , why? Maybe you want out of the marriage . Maybe you are not convinced she is totally committed. Figure out what that anger is holding on to.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Your anger is part of the grieving process. Less than 12 months from DDay--not really all that long.

I think you gave up too soon on both the medication and the counseling. I went on antidepressants after my own DDay in 2006. Just went off this year.

Forget the RA. If you want to end the marriage, then do so. But if you do not then don't even think about RA. You cannot "balance" the scorecard. Great insight from Q Tip on this in another thread:

"[After a RA] the M is completely unbalanced. The M side is empty; the A side is full. Full tilt off balance."


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

R takes 2 to 5 years with the right spouse, so it is still early.

yes, I tried the drinking thing too i didn't help.
I would not recommend the RA it just complicates things even more.

one thing i did was try and protect myself in the future like stashing some money in case R fell through, have an exit plan just in case it did not work. (some may say this is counter productive to a true R but it is just like an insurance policy to me).

I am in R now almost 1.5 year and it does get better.
It would really help a lot if she could get a new job. 
How often does she see OM at work? and you may not want to take her word on this.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP sorry for the spot you are in. 

I do not believe that an RA will help you at all. My guess is that it will only make things worse. 

The lies and trickle truth are a killer. I understand that very well. 

I do not understand attempting to r while she keeps her job. Other men at the office probably know or at least suspect. That will make your wife a target. Not to mention she will still have access to posom with no way for you to monitor their communications except for her word and she is a proven liar. Not a good situation. 

If you want to continue attempting r. Ask her to start looking for another job of similiar pay. If you do decide to d she would still be employed. I understand that finding another job may be hard for her but it also hard for you to eat the sh!t sandwich she has presented you with. 

Staying for the kids. I think you need to evaluate the home environment. Is it a healthy example that you want to set for them? 

Best of luck to you and your family. If there are magic words to help in a situation like this. I never found them. It did help me to read here and learn from others 

Hopefully that benefits you to some degree as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Questions for you:
> 
> 
> Did you expose the affair and the POSOM? If not why didn't you?
> ...


----------



## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

pauslon - Our time here on TAM is about the same. My DD was also in September of 2013. I, like you, have plenty of moments where I just feel drained.

My story - mid-30's, dated for over 5 years, married over 10, 3 young kids, I work, she is a SAHM. Wife had an on-and-off multi-year affair with my former best friend. The affair was mostly online EA (but also PA at times). I discovered affair and read messages/chats going back years. It has been a traumatic double betrayal and completely changed my outlook on life.

I have days I want to give up, I have days I feel like I lack the strength, I can't sleep at night, I am depressed at times, it is always on my mind. We've been doing MC and I am now in IC.

I feel like I have been in a non-stop lose-lose decision of stay or go. I have been working on trying to reframe that decision into terms I can live with. I am really trying to focus on what will make me happy, not what makes me "less sad". For example, I am not staying for my kids... I am staying because it makes me happy to see my kids every day.

My wife is trying really hard to be a better person and partner. I still have no clue if I will ever truly forgive and move past this. But, I do know that I have already been changing things in my life, marriage, with my kids, and even with myself, that will ultimately make me happy again. I feel like I owe it to myself to keep trying because I still think it is ultimately worth it.

That's the one thing that has stuck with me from IC. "Is it worth it?" Because it is hard, hard work and it would be much easier (for me) to just walk away. I have come really close a couple of times.

I don't feel like, even at this point, it has gotten any easier. It may be harder now than it was in the beginning.

I know what I have said probably doesn't help much. But, you're not alone and I hope we both can do the right thing (for us).


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> Don't write off a revenge affair. I'm one of the few people here who believe that a revenge affair has value in helping you heal. It levels the playing field between you and your WS because now she didn't get away with the affair Scott Free.


If you're looking to nuke your marriage, go for it. Otherwise, ^this is horrible advice.


----------



## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> Paulson, I had given you my original response on this whole affair in your older thread. Of course you have anger and doubt about this relationship. Let me remind you of the real summary not the one you have provided in this thread:
> 
> 
> She met the POSOM many more times than she originally told you.
> ...


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

pauslon said:


> Facts: I have posted before but here is summary:
> 
> Married ten years, dated for five. Age: both mid 30's. both working,both very successful careers. two young children. Our oldest has learning disability (nothing major but has taken a toll on us).
> 
> ...



1) buy melatonin for sleep, not addictive, safe if used in proper doses and works well
2) you're stuck because wife still works with OM, at 5 months out you're paranoia is going to hit the roof. In order to progress through a successful R she has to quit and erase any doubt that she could have contact with OM
3) in many ways I felt the 6-10 month post dday period was worse than dday, right after dday you are in fight or flight mode and when things "calm" a bit the PTSD kicks in like a bear.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

bartendersfriend said:


> pauslon - Our time here on TAM is about the same. My DD was also in September of 2013. I, like you, have plenty of moments where I just feel drained.
> 
> My story - mid-30's, dated for over 5 years, married over 10, 3 young kids, I work, she is a SAHM. Wife had an on-and-off multi-year affair with my former best friend. The affair was mostly online EA (but also PA at times). I discovered affair and read messages/chats going back years. It has been a traumatic double betrayal and completely changed my outlook on life.
> 
> ...


BTF--same applies in your case as in Paulson's. In terms of the time it takes to recover from a blow like this you are still in comparatively early days. It gets better if you choose to stay.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Philat said:


> BTF--same applies in your case as in Paulson's. In terms of the time it takes to recover from a blow like this you are still in comparatively early days. It gets better if you choose to stay.


Agreed. Also...



bartendersfriend said:


> My story - mid-30's, dated for over 5 years, married over 10, *3 young kids*, I work, she is a SAHM. *Wife had an on-and-off multi-year affair with my former best friend.* The affair was mostly online EA (but also PA at times). I discovered affair and read messages/chats going back years. It has been a traumatic double betrayal and completely changed my outlook on life.


How certain are you that your children are actually _your_ (biological) _children_? I'd advise paternity testing either way.


----------



## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

Philat said:


> BTF--same applies in your case as in Paulson's. In terms of the time it takes to recover from a blow like this you are still in comparatively early days. It gets better if you choose to stay.


I hope so. I know from reading other stories on here that if I stick with R it is a long road.  I don't feel the pressure to decide right now. Ultimately, it will be more about whether or not I can have the type of marriage I want (going forward) with my current wife. I am only deciding to work at it right now.


----------



## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Was the affair exposed to your family or friends? The reason I ask is that many people don't want to disclose one of the ugliest things a husband/wife can do to people outside the marriage. I'm just wondering if you have someone close to you that you can talk to about this? You should be in IC for yourself. But it would also be great if you could pour your heart and anguish out to someone close to you about what you're going through.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

bartendersfriend said:


> I hope so. I know from reading other stories on here that if I stick with R it is a long road. * I don't feel the pressure to decide right now. Ultimately, it will be more about whether or not I can have the type of marriage I want (going forward) with my current wife.* I am only deciding to work at it right now.


Sounds good. Just one observation from your last post: I'm a little curious as to the phrasing "PA at times." All it takes is one time and it's a PA forever, right?

No big deal, just sayin'.


----------



## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> How certain are you that your children are actually _your_ (biological) _children_? I'd advise paternity testing either way.


Don't want to hijack.. That's another tortuous element that certainly has had to enter my mind. Fortunately, I am 99.9% sure my kids are mine.

I can tell you honestly that I would not be able to handle that and my decision would be different - I would have already left.


----------



## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

Philat said:


> Sounds good. Just one observation from your last post: I'm a little curious as to the phrasing "PA at times." All it takes is one time and it's a PA forever, right?
> 
> No big deal, just sayin'.


Very true. I should have phrased that differently. I am certainly not trying to minimize that aspect.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

poida said:


> So sorry man. This sounds horrible. Having kids in the mix really makes it difficult.
> 
> I feel anxious just thinking about your position.


Having kids in the mix sounds horrible. Mine are 3 and 5 but I've decided to end the marriage. It's been 3 months since I exposed and I've seen that through it all they are still happy. In the end they are not part of your marriage with your wife. They aren't as invested in the relationship as you are. As long as they know love they will be happy.

I can tell you from my experience that the limbo hurt way more than my current journey of letting go. I know everything she did with the OM and I can't see her the same way again.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bartendersfriend said:


> Don't want to hijack.. That's another tortuous element that certainly has had to enter my mind. Fortunately, I am 99.9% sure my kids are mine.
> 
> I can tell you honestly that I would not be able to handle that and my decision would be different - I would have already left.


Sorry man. I didn't bring that up to torture you. 

Honestly, though, I'd have to know w/ 100% certainty. I'd probably have paternity tested for each of them, and via 3 different testing entities.

Apologies to paulson for the mini-threadjack.


----------



## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

I understand what people are saying about her getting a new job. I get it. It does cause me anguish. 

1) They do not work in the same department/building/city. He works from home and is travelling most of the time - he is in sales. He his wife and kids live 1/2 hour from us, near where I work. The company is large (over 5k work there in our city alone).

2) If (s)he wanted to, they know each other's email/phone. They could stay in touch if they want to. That will not change if she gets a new job at a different company.

3) The company has excellent benefits. This is key for us with a child that uses a lot of the disability benefits.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Paulson you are making excuses why should cannot leave the job but that job is clearly causing you pain. There are other jobs with good benefits just have her start looking.

There are stages in recovery and RA and I have been where you are at. Your wife has to be willing to help you through these periods. What has she done to help you resolve things? Are you in MC today and have you considered IC for yourself.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

pauslon said:


> I understand what people are saying about her getting a new job. I get it. It does cause me anguish.
> 
> 1) They do not work in the same department/building/city. He works from home and is travelling most of the time - he is in sales. He his wife and kids live 1/2 hour from us, near where I work. The company is large (over 5k work there in our city alone).
> 
> ...


1) regardless, OM can show up at work with no questions asked to fish with your wife (quick stop by, "How are you doing?" in the hopes he can start things up again.) PLUS the place of work is a trigger for you and a reminder for her that can keep her mind with the good feelings of the affair.
2) well true but it still takes away a channel of possible communication and meetings
3) Understandable, so instead she should be in a active search for a new job so she can leave seamlessly without losing the benefits


----------



## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> Was the affair exposed to your family or friends? The reason I ask is that many people don't want to disclose one of the ugliest things a husband/wife can do to people outside the marriage. I'm just wondering if you have someone close to you that you can talk to about this? You should be in IC for yourself. But it would also be great if you could pour your heart and anguish out to someone close to you about what you're going through.


Yes - The day after I spoke with my business partner who I trust completely. He revealed to me his wife had an affair eight years prior, they are still together. He was similar to me in that we both turned to alcohol. He also said, after he found out about his wife, he turned to his former boss for advice, turns out, his boss's wife had had an affair as well and ended up giving him guidance...He was honored that I came to him and also glad he could "pay it forward".


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

pauslon said:


> I understand what people are saying about her getting a new job. I get it. It does cause me anguish.
> 
> 1) They do not work in the same department/building/city. He works from home and is travelling most of the time - he is in sales. He his wife and kids live 1/2 hour from us, near where I work. The company is large (over 5k work there in our city alone).
> 
> ...


The bottom line is that, until she finds another job, the fact that she hasn't done so will continue to be a major source of stress and anxiety for you.

Also, have you considered asking her to change her cell phone number? It might be pointless for her to do this now since OM could just look up her contact information in an employee directory (unless she has the option of not listing her cell phone number), but there's no reason for her not to do so once she's found a new job.

Assuming that she hasn't already done so, she should also be able to change her personal e-mail address now, as well as dumping any social media or other accounts that are tied to it.


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

From my own experience, you are suffering from a very serious lack of trust. As others have said, your world has been rocked to its core. During your waking hours, you can control your emotions, but in deep sleep, you are suffering. That kind of betrayal, from not only your wife, but your friend is almost impossible if not ever healed. It might help if you work on regaining some sense of control in your life. Have you consulted with an attorney to see what it would take to end your marriage? I tried R for 6 years. My wife continued to cheat on me and our sons, each time I relaxed and let my guard down. I couldnt live that way anymore. The stress was literally killing me. I was dying inside. Not any more. 

As others have said, you are in limbo. I was as well. I had the same behaviors. You owe it to yourself and your children to become a better version of yourself. Even if it means divorce. If you do consult with an attorney, do so quietly. You dont loose anything by getting the information.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

pauslon said:


> I understand what people are saying about her getting a new job. I get it. It does cause me anguish.
> 
> 1) They do not work in the same department/building/city. He works from home and is travelling most of the time - he is in sales. He his wife and kids live 1/2 hour from us, near where I work. The company is large (over 5k work there in our city alone).


so how did they have enough time together to establish such an emotional connection? 

apparently they were in contact enough to make her decide she wanted to betray you and your family to have sex with him.

Still sounds like it was going on a lot longer than you know. At least the EA part.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Paulson, regarding this:

_I do love her. I love our kids. I hate what she has done. I am having a hard time forgiving._

You have a lot to go through before you get to forgiving. That's the end game (if you choose to get that far). I think, for those who *want* to reconcile (and it's not a road that everyone can or should take), it's self-defeating to reach for that stage so soon. Before you get there you need a lot more from your W (demonstrated remorse and an understanding of how her actions have affected you), you need to come to terms with the new reality of your relationship (acceptance), and you need to decide what your own requirements for a happy married life are, given this new reality. This stuff takes time and, for many, *competent* professional help.

The extent to which your W is willing to help you carry the burden she has placed on you will tell you a lot about whether you can forgive (thanks to Mrs. John Adams for this thought).


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry but you do not know the whole truth and your wife is in damage control mode.

1. You both need to get tested for STD's. I know a woman who got gonorrhea of the mouth from oral sex with her cheating partner.

2. Do you think your wife would have been so accepting as you have been if the roles were reversed?

3. You seem like a nice guy and I have a hunch your wife thought that even if she got caught by you that you would forgive her anyway so she really had nothing to lose. Do you think she would have cheated on you if she knew that if she did then it would have been an automatic divorce? I doubt it.

4. You should talk to a lawyer just to understand your options.

5. Your wife has humiliated and disrespected you and your marriage in the worst way. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Philat said:


> Paulson, regarding this:
> 
> _I do love her. I love our kids. I hate what she has done. I am having a hard time forgiving._
> 
> ...


From what I've seen thus far not many are capable of going this far for their spouse. I've seen the entitlement that many cheating spouses had (since my ordeal, I've spoken to many people and I've read a lot) and I don't believe R is possible even with a hint of that.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

tryingpatience said:


> *From what I've seen thus far not many are capable of going this far for their spouse.* I've seen the entitlement that many cheating spouses had (since my ordeal, I've spoken to many people and I've read a lot) and I don't believe R is possible with a even a hint of that.


Yep, I agree that it's the rare WS who can actually do this. Most would just as soon "put it all behind us" without doing any of the hard work (or looking squarely at themselves in the mirror).

Those WS that can do it, however, deserve our respect, IMO. And we have them here.


----------



## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Op the pain and stress you're feeling goes with the territory of reconciliation and you may not wanna hear this but some of this may be with you for the rest of your life the best advice I can give you is to maintain your individual counseling if you already have if not you should start asap... I hope you understand having passwords are not consequences for your wife action and will not release any of the pain you are feeling this process will take time years in fact so please understand your in for a long fight against the pain inflicted on you.


I wish you the best in the path you've chosen.


----------



## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Pauslon:

I feel for your pain. I am nearing the three-year mark post-Dday with my wife and I can tell you that at 10 months I was having many of the same feelings and reactions as you. Based on what you've shared and my own experiences, I'd suggest the following:

1. Stop drinking. It magnifies your emotional state and it is likely a contributor to your difficulty sleeping. You may be able to fall asleep better under the influence, but your sleep will not be as deep and you will likely wake up in the middle of the night--where your mind will engage and keep you awake.

2. Get into individual counseling ASAP. You indicated you had been in MC and that you quit after 4 months and your wife has continued in IC. I understand why you may have not continued MC--the two of you likely weren't ready for it yet. You need to do IC, however, to help you gain strength. Anger is an expression of weakness. It is perfectly understandable at this stage, but you don't want to get stuck there.

3. If you aren't already doing so, I'd recommend that you pay closer attention to your physical health, including diet and exercise. Eating properly can help you manage your emotions and exercise is a good way to burn off anger.

4. I'd also recommend a couple of books that helped me through the phase you are in. 1. "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay," by Mira Kirschenbaum, and 2. "How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To," by Janis Spring. Both will help you frame your relationship with your wife from a less emotional position--and will help give you control over how YOU want to proceed.

I know it's tough, but you have to take charge of this situation--don't let it run you over.

P.S. Don't have a revenge affair. It will mess things up even worse.


----------



## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

Booze will make the pain less while you are under the influence but it will return with vengeance the next day. This will lead to more drinking and more pain. Break this cycle as it will delay your healing.
As a 4 year old I saw this with my mother’s A. I watched in horror upstairs in the dark sitting behind the wooden bars of the stair case. It was as if I was in a prison cell.


----------



## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

You mention you stay in shape, but I'd say start hitting the gym with a vengeance.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

First of all, having a revenge affair will not help matters. All that will do is put you in the position that she's in and where she's at is about as low as whale $h!t for cheating.

So you add that to the pile of grief your already carrying around and it's going to be much harder. So get that idea out of your head now. You have enough hassle as it is.

You mentioned that if she found another job that there would be guys hitting on her at her new job. Yeah they will but your wife is a grown woman and knows right from wrong and her track record stinks so if it happened where she's working now, it could happen at the next job.

Basically it comes down to this. You need to take some time by yourself and decide whether or not you can trust her again since getting the truth out of her was like pulling teeth.

If you feel that you can't, then stop suffering and move on with your life. Your kids will still have their dad and if anyone is to blame for the break up of the marriage it isn't you and don't let her put it in your lap and blame you. 

You can only live like this for so long and sooner or later either your going to have to make your mind up to stay or go.

If you can't deal with her infidelity and have to live your life always wondering where she's at, what she's doing and who she's with then you have no life. You have a nightmare that never goes away.

Think about what you feel is best for YOU, then do it and do not take the blame for her bad choices and behavior.


----------



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

As the writer Paul Theroux says , “It is very easy to plant a bomb in a peaceful, trusting place.” That is what the cheating spouse has done. Then detonated it.

And as a result OUR LIVES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME....

That is why 75-80% of BHs file for D after D-DAY...You WILL NEVER FORGET...There is a coupleon here who have been in R for 25+ years and he is Still having trouble dealing,.25 years later ....WHY IN GODS NAME WOULD ANY ONE STAY....


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So apart from owning her wrongdoing, what was the reason she gave you for her affair ?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

6301 said:


> Basically it comes down to this. You need to take some time by yourself and decide whether or not you can trust her again since getting the truth out of her was like pulling teeth.
> 
> If you feel that you can't, then stop suffering and move on with your life. Your kids will still have their dad and if anyone is to blame for the break up of the marriage it isn't you and don't let her put it in your lap and blame you.
> 
> ...


This right here. I'll add one thing, lose the time limit. If 5 months out is bad and counseling didn't work you do what's best for you, then the kids, then your marriage and then your wife. Your drinking is hurting EVERYTHING above. Don't fool yourself into thinking you are masking anything or your kids are to young to notice. 

Find another Individual counselor and then decide if you want Marriage counseling. If you do not, don't feel guilty about not making the "2-5" years. Sometimes an act is so bad, concerning your own moral code, you can't move forward with the person.


----------



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

xakulax said:


> Op the pain and stress you're feeling goes with the territory of reconciliation and you may not wanna hear this but some of this may be with you for the rest of your life the best advice I can give you is to maintain your individual counseling if you already have if not you should start asap... I hope you understand having passwords are not consequences for your wife action and will not release any of the pain you are feeling this process will take time years in fact so please understand your in for a long fight against the pain inflicted on you.
> 
> 
> I wish you the best in the path you've chosen.


However ..I truly believe that there comes a moment of clarity, with each BH here... that YOU KNOW if you can continue in the 
marriage or not...

Mine was when I saw the pics of my WWS affair with the OM
...I knew at that second there would be no R...and no more Marriage...

As i have stated the decision to have an A with her boss and destroy 2 families..was HERS and hers alone..

The decision to burn everything to the ground was mine..not hers.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

badkarma2013 said:


> As the writer Paul Theroux says , “It is very easy to plant a bomb in a peaceful, trusting place.” That is what the cheating spouse has done. Then detonated it.
> 
> And as a result OUR LIVES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME....
> 
> That is why 75-80% of BHs file for D after D-DAY...You WILL NEVER FORGET...There is a coupleon here who have been in R for 25+ years and he is Still having trouble dealing,.25 years later ....WHY IN GODS NAME WOULD ANY ONE STAY....


Many people believe in keeping the family unit together at all costs for the sake of the children. This is what I use to believe. But I've realized that kids will model their future relationships on what they see at home. I didn't want my kids to see someone who couldn't trust anymore, someone who accepted being disrespected and treated poorly. Please consider this when making your decision. How old are the children anyway?


----------



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

tryingpatience said:


> Many people believe in keeping the family unit together at all costs for the sake of the children. This is what I use to believe. But I've realized that kids will model their future relationships on what they see at home. I didn't want my kids to see someone who couldn't trust anymore, someone who accepted being disrespected and treated poorly. Please consider this when making your decision. How old are the children anyway?


Most MCs worth their salt will tell you that staying in the M for just the sake of the children is a HUGE MIstake....They Will recover from a broken home ...living in the HELL OF A FALSE R and a roller coaster marriage..NOT SO MUCH..


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

3 kids, one with disability. It is as if you don't have an option to divorce? 

What do you trigger about ? What part of the affair messes you up the most?


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Paulson, the reason I asked what reason she gave you for the affair, is to help understand the likelihood of her doing this again. From what you say, she is remorseful but could be still withholding information. That coupled with some mangled reasoning in her mind for the affair coupled with the easy availability of this OM (or other OM's) at work, means that this is not properly resolved which could be contributing to your trust issues too (not to say that they wouldn't have been bad even if all of this had been resolved). So why wouldn't she do it again ?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

found this posted in your last thread


pauslon said:


> The following is at the stage I/we are at:
> 
> 1) Our marriage right now has never experienced as much passion as it ever has before. My wife and I are 100% completely focused on this marriage and we are working. All it took was a small amount of effort and redirecting focus from kids, work, household tasks to ourselves and the marriage.
> 
> ...




then this...




Headspin said:


> I do appreciate everything you go through and am sorry you're here.
> 
> What you need more than anything is time to see, to digest, to think about what has / what is actually happening here, to really understand it all
> 
> .....and then sadly you will back here.



It has relevance to what is happening now


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did you make her take a poly?

you got a parking lot confession the last time


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

pauslon, as far as you know:
•	She is a liar, and she can lie to your face without blinking
•	She just prove she is able to have an affair, and live with it (as you discovered the whole thing and she didn't come clean)

I think you should ask her, if you already did not
•	Did she ended the affair before you discovered?
•	Did she had/have a crush on OM? Any feeling?
•	Is she in R because, she loves you? she dont wanna divorce?
Maybe she just is not in love with you anymore, maybe you are plan B.

If it is the case, this could happened again and now she knows how to avoid your vigilance, and has a proven ability to lie to your face. 
So, what can you do to R? Find the way to trust her again, the problem is how after not just the affair but the lies…
I think you should explain all of this to your wife, and ask her what she would do if she were in your shoes. If she has what it takes to make R work after all. If she is willing to tell you the whole truth and make you believe it!
And at las the most important question is: if she does everything that it takes could you do it???
Would you be ok knowing that there are men hitting on her at work, traveling with them, etc?


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

I believe is she is willing to prove that she is not lying any more, get a poly.
Maybe she is not telling the EA .
But if she is telling the whole truth it could help you to start believing her.
The poly could be her chance to prove she is for real into R.


----------



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, "That's it, I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go do whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore." Don't stay together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. They're much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying, fighting, Dr. Phil...and he's right!


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Paulson

A very common fact is that there is a high divorce rate of couples that have a special needs child in the mix.

Your wife helps you when you wake up from these bad emotions.

Can you tell us what else she does to show you remorse?

Sometimes it helps to list what she does to show you that she still wants to be with you.....

HM


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

at least you now have the right target for your anger.
I think you should turn your thoughts more seriously toward divorce.
could you at least try a trial separation? go find someone who has both passion for you and compassion for your disabled child. and someone who does not act like a wh0re when they under stress.
and BTW you're under no obligation to forgive your wife for what she did. not ever......


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> *The bottom line is that, until she finds another job, the fact that she hasn't done so will continue to be a major source of stress and anxiety for you.*
> 
> Also, have you considered asking her to change her cell phone number? It might be pointless for her to do this now since OM could just look up her contact information in an employee directory (unless she has the option of not listing her cell phone number), but there's no reason for her not to do so once she's found a new job.
> 
> Assuming that she hasn't already done so, she should also be able to change her personal e-mail address now, as well as dumping any social media or other accounts that are tied to it.


Absolutely, you need to decide what YOU feel comfortable with. Forget about that is EASY and PRACTICAL.
Look after yourself.


----------

