# Will I Ever Be Able To Love Another For Fear of Getting Burned Again



## sczinger

Starting to date a little bit since my wife cheated and moved out back on February 3, 2018. I had a previous post here back in June,  
I have found that there are a lot of damaged people on these dating sites. Many of the women I connect with are too far away from me to even consider meeting for a drink or coffee but end up being the ones that I message with the most. Perhaps because we know we will never meet both of us open up and are very frank and have some meaningful dialogue regarding dating and meeting new people. They talk about how bad the selection of good men is as well. 

I have, however, met a woman that I like quite a bit. We have similar interests, age-appropriate, are within 15 miles of each other and converse very well with each other. There is a spark between the two of us. She knows the situation that I've come from and I know hers. We have been very open with each other. However, deep in my heart, there is this hurdle that I've never encountered before. I get this overwhelming feeling that there is no way I could put my heart out there in fear of getting it ripped apart again. I also find myself comparing some of her characteristics with my ex. This is a good woman and she has done nothing to deserve what I'm afraid may be a permanent scar for me and prevent me from being able to love someone in the future the way I loved my ex. I don't want to just go on and on meeting good people and the same thing happening. 
Does this go away with the healing process? It makes me think how good I really had it with my ex...then I remember, "SHE CHEATED ON ME!" I am so pissed that my ex put me in this position.


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## Proverbs21:19

I think with age comes wisdom. As long as the sex is good (and don't kid yourself) and you're both 100% comfortable the other person is being open about everything.... I could see it happening.

I'm fine with promiscuity while being single. It's the one who says she's only been with 5 men in her life and was a queen wife, yet has that seductive secretary look... I would run.

Net-Net. I think it's a gut instinct thing combined with a pinch of faith.


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## Bananapeel

You'll never love with reckless abandon again after going through what you did. But that doesn't mean you won't be in a mutually loving relationship again. Just give it time for the healing to happen. Usually it takes several years so at this point you should just be looking to have fun and get to really know yourself and what you want in a woman. And don't rush things!


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## personofinterest

It's too soon to feel safe, and this is normal. It has been, what, 5 months?

I think you should give yourself time and space. Date if you must, but purpose not to get heavily invested in anyone for awhile (be sure you are honest with the women about this).

If you heal and become healthy, you WILL be able to love someone well again. It is a choice to do the work to get there. Anyone who still cannot trust enough to love 10 years down the road is stuck because they CHOSE to be stuck.


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## sczinger

Bananapeel said:


> You'll never love with reckless abandon again after going through what you did. But that doesn't mean you won't be in a mutually loving relationship again. Just give it time for the healing to happen. Usually it takes several years so at this point you should just be looking to have fun and get to really know yourself and what you want in a woman. And don't rush things!


I remember when I first started reading and listening to articles on how to start healing that it could take several years, I thought "There is no way. I don't have that kind of time". Only now, especially after the way she left me, does it make sense that it is going to take quite a while.


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## StarFires

The distrust, hesitancy, and PTSD are all very normal. You have to get to the place where you can convince yourself that not everyone is like your ex or even potentially so. It may be a good idea to get counseling to help you with that. 

Otherwise, you have to give yourself, women, and relationships time, and you have to be smart and discerning while doing it. I think people rely way too heavily on what is stated. That's what makes us fall in love from afar, but what if everything the person states is not true? What if they are just feeding you lines they know you want and need to hear? Both sexes are very good at duping each other in the early stages of forming a relationship. Both sexes are good at playing the role and making their potential mate think the world of them. The only way to know the difference between the person they present themselves to be and the person they actually are is to guard your heart for a long while and be objective. Stop depending so much on what they say and start watching and analyzing what they do and how they live their lives. 

That means you have to spend time together. Instead of taking her word for being the wonderful person she wants you to think she is, take notice of how she treats other people. Is she rude to the waitress for simple mistakes? Does she earn a good income but doesn't contribute to any charities or help other people? For that matter, has she tried to make you think she loves humanity and animals but doesn't contribute to or volunteer anywhere? And if she told you that she does, can you check it out to find out if it's true, like maybe ask her if you can come along and join her some time? That's a good way to catch her in a lie if she's lying. 

Google her name. 

Friend her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter. These will give you a glimpse of the type of life she lives and how she communicates with family and friends. People tend to be their true ugly selves on social media. Get to know the real her.

Check to see if she has ever been arrested. Arrest records and court records are public domain.

People who have been married before almost invariably blame the other person for the failure of the marriage. Your case is such that your wife cheated, but a lot of people say "he/she cheated" when in fact they were the one who cheated. Or they give other reasons to blame the former spouse for the divorce. Doesn't mean it's true and usually isn't, so don't rely on what she says but find a way to check it out.

Make a list of rules and standards for yourself to live by and for the women you meet and date to live up to.
Example of some of my rules when I was dating:
1. Nobody who is married, has a girlfriend, or is living with someone.
2. Nobody who has been divorced twice or more. This person either makes bad/hasty decisions or is not reliable.
3. Nobody who is too eager/pushy. This person is unstable, desperate, or both. Bad news either way.

Be sure to take it slow and pay attention.


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## arbitrator

*I don't say this to be discouraging, but I've trusted in matrimony twice in this lifetime and have had my throat unceremoniously slashed in as many times!

Falling in love and trusting again could well happen, but it will be so damned hard for me to ever come to "trust" a third time! The odds, I feel, are just not in my favor!*


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## sczinger

StarFires said:


> The distrust, hesitancy, and PTSD are all very normal. You have to get to the place where you can convince yourself that not everyone is like your ex or even potentially so. It may be a good idea to get counseling to help you with that.
> 
> Otherwise, you have to give yourself, women, and relationships time, and you have to be smart and discerning while doing it. I think people rely way too heavily on what is stated. That's what makes us fall in love from afar, but what if everything the person states is not true? What if they are just feeding you lines they know you want and need to hear? Both sexes are very good at duping each other in the early stages of forming a relationship. Both sexes are good at playing the role and making their potential mate think the world of them. The only way to know the difference between the person they present themselves to be and the person they actually are is to guard your heart for a long while and be objective. Stop depending so much on what they say and start watching and analyzing what they do and how they live their lives.
> 
> That means you have to spend time together. Instead of taking her word for being the wonderful person she wants you to think she is, take notice of how she treats other people. Is she rude to the waitress for simple mistakes? Does she earn a good income but doesn't contribute to any charities or help other people? For that matter, has she tried to make you think she loves humanity and animals but doesn't contribute to or volunteer anywhere? And if she told you that she does, can you check it out to find out if it's true, like maybe ask her if you can come along and join her some time? That's a good way to catch her in a lie if she's lying.
> 
> Google her name.
> 
> Friend her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter. These will give you a glimpse of the type of life she lives and how she communicates with family and friends. People tend to be their true ugly selves on social media. Get to know the real her.
> 
> Check to see if she has ever been arrested. Arrest records and court records are public domain.
> 
> People who have been married before almost invariably blame the other person for the failure of the marriage. Your case is such that your wife cheated, but a lot of people say "he/she cheated" when in fact they were the one who cheated. Or they give other reasons to blame the former spouse for the divorce. Doesn't mean it's true and usually isn't, so don't rely on what she says but find a way to check it out.
> 
> Make a list of rules and standards for yourself to live by and for the women you meet and date to live up to.
> Example of some of my rules when I was dating:
> 1. Nobody who is married, has a girlfriend, or is living with someone.
> 2. Nobody who has been divorced twice or more. This person either makes bad/hasty decisions or is not reliable.
> 3. Nobody who is too eager/pushy. This person is unstable, desperate, or both. Bad news either way.
> 
> Be sure to take it slow and pay attention.


I've been going to counseling since the beginning. He is faith-based and 40 years of experience and I feel very blessed to have found him. I have a huge circle of supportive family and friends that, in all honesty, have saved my life. I have spoken to several women that are a potential meet and greet even though they are an hour or less away. To your point, StarFires, regarding getting to know them...this would be difficult in a long distance relationship. You have to be around someone to get to know them. Their mannerisms, the way they act and react around different people and situations...


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## Rick Blaine

You are still fresh out of DDay. Have you filed for divorce? If yes, has it gone through? If it hasn't, then why are you dating?

More importantly, you still need to recover from the betrayal of your wife and the loss of your marriage. I believe that it is way too early to jump into a new relationship. Doing so can bring on a tremendous setback and more emotional trauma. Simmer on down a notch, friend.

This all takes time. Work on yourself, and after the grieving process has run it's course and you are divorced go ahead and start dating. By then many of these concerns and traumas that are in your head will be vanquished. Getting over the betrayal, by the way, will take a very long time. But it gets better as time goes by. You will find happiness again, but you need to learn from this and let the process unfold. 

I suggest you get in a Divorce Care support group. This program is extremely valuable to helping you understand and process all of these feelings as well as the financial and practical realities that are confronting you.


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## Yeswecan

sczinger said:


> Starting to date a little bit since my wife cheated and moved out back on February 3, 2018. I had a previous post here back in June,
> I have found that there are a lot of damaged people on these dating sites. Many of the women I connect with are too far away from me to even consider meeting for a drink or coffee but end up being the ones that I message with the most. Perhaps because we know we will never meet both of us open up and are very frank and have some meaningful dialogue regarding dating and meeting new people. They talk about how bad the selection of good men is as well.
> 
> I have, however, met a woman that I like quite a bit. We have similar interests, age-appropriate, are within 15 miles of each other and converse very well with each other. There is a spark between the two of us. She knows the situation that I've come from and I know hers. We have been very open with each other. However, deep in my heart, there is this hurdle that I've never encountered before. I get this overwhelming feeling that there is no way I could put my heart out there in fear of getting it ripped apart again. I also find myself comparing some of her characteristics with my ex. This is a good woman and she has done nothing to deserve what I'm afraid may be a permanent scar for me and prevent me from being able to love someone in the future the way I loved my ex. I don't want to just go on and on meeting good people and the same thing happening.
> Does this go away with the healing process? It makes me think how good I really had it with my ex...then I remember, "SHE CHEATED ON ME!" I am so pissed that my ex put me in this position.




Takes time, but yes, you will go on and find another. I had my heart ripped out and stomped for good measure. I pulled on my pants. Put on my boots and found another that respects me. The scars from before faded long long long ago....


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## sczinger

Rick Blaine said:


> You are still fresh out of DDay. Have you filed for divorce? If yes, has it gone through? If it hasn't, then why are you dating?
> 
> More importantly, you still need to recover from the betrayal of your wife and the loss of your marriage. I believe that it is way too early to jump into a new relationship. Doing so can bring on a tremendous setback and more emotional trauma. Simmer on down a notch, friend.
> 
> This all takes time. Work on yourself, and after the grieving process has run it's course and you are divorced go ahead and start dating. By then many of these concerns and traumas that are in your head will be vanquished. Getting over the betrayal, by the way, will take a very long time. But it gets better as time goes by. You will find happiness again, but you need to learn from this and let the process unfold.
> 
> I suggest you get in a Divorce Care support group. This program is extremely valuable to helping you understand and process all of these feelings as well as the financial and practical realities that are confronting you.


My original post regarding DDay is in a hyperlink . When she told me she "wasn't in love with me anymore" I put my feelings aside briefly and immediately filed, uncontested, no lawyer, no real estate, no children and no shared assets. She signed everything and divorce was final in 12 days. $148.00, it was done. Then, the grieving started...


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## Rick Blaine

sczinger said:


> My original post regarding DDay is in a hyperlink . When she told me she "wasn't in love with me anymore" I put my feelings aside briefly and immediately filed, uncontested, no lawyer, no real estate, no children and no shared assets. She signed everything and divorce was final in 12 days. $148.00, it was done. Then, the grieving started...




Thanks for that information. Good to know, and glad you handled the end of the marriage assertively. 

I hope you allow yourself to go through the process and give it time. As I said in my previous post, jumping into another relationship at this time before you've allowed yourself to let go of the baggage from your marriage could lead to more distress. You have to process all of this. 

Very glad to hear that you have strong support from family and friends. That's huge!

I am two years out of a divorce. The marriage ended due to infidelity just like yours. I gave myself a year before I started dating, and I needed that time to free myself from the wreckage and emotional connection of the marriage. Even though I still am saddened by the broken promises and broken family, I have met someone who is a fabulous lady, and I have gotten to know her well. My daughters love and admire her, and we are on the road to happiness. I am just glad that I cleared the deck before diving back in. 

All the best to you.


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## sokillme

sczinger said:


> Starting to date a little bit since my wife cheated and moved out back on February 3, 2018. I had a previous post here back in June,
> I have found that there are a lot of damaged people on these dating sites. Many of the women I connect with are too far away from me to even consider meeting for a drink or coffee but end up being the ones that I message with the most. Perhaps because we know we will never meet both of us open up and are very frank and have some meaningful dialogue regarding dating and meeting new people. They talk about how bad the selection of good men is as well.
> 
> I have, however, met a woman that I like quite a bit. We have similar interests, age-appropriate, are within 15 miles of each other and converse very well with each other. There is a spark between the two of us. She knows the situation that I've come from and I know hers. We have been very open with each other. However, deep in my heart, there is this hurdle that I've never encountered before. I get this overwhelming feeling that there is no way I could put my heart out there in fear of getting it ripped apart again. I also find myself comparing some of her characteristics with my ex. This is a good woman and she has done nothing to deserve what I'm afraid may be a permanent scar for me and prevent me from being able to love someone in the future the way I loved my ex. I don't want to just go on and on meeting good people and the same thing happening.
> Does this go away with the healing process? It makes me think how good I really had it with my ex...then I remember, "SHE CHEATED ON ME!" I am so pissed that my ex put me in this position.




It's WAY TOO SOON.

If you must date, do it in the shallowest of ways. Just have fun. Why are you even thinking about a new relationships, you are still bleeding out from the old one. Plus you aren't going to have a good relationship overnight. Stop trying to fix your pain by using someone else to distract you from it, that's not fair to the other person anyway. You have to just live with it. Yeah it sucks but it is what it is. 

And yes you will be strong enough one day to want to be with someone but you have to heal first. Get some counseling that will help you. The thing to get from this is if you can get through this you can get through anything, because nothing can be worse. But you got to get through it first. Taking the pain head on and healing with dignity and strength will really help you later. You will look back with pride. Rebounding on someone else isn't really doing that. 

One more thing you need to get to a place where you don't care if you have a relationship or not. Then you can decide to have one from the apex of strength. Get comfortable with being alone. It can be done and once you get there it's kind of nice. 

It's going to get better. You will see.


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## StarFires

sczinger said:


> To your point, StarFires, regarding getting to know them...this would be difficult in a long distance relationship. You have to be around someone to get to know them. Their mannerisms, the way they act and react around different people and situations...


The internet provides a great vehicle for people to meet and find a mate, and I suppose that's good, but it's only good if used wisely. Again, a person has to guard their heart, remain objective for a long while, and be discerning. I don't know the ratio of men and women, I only know the stories I've read on this board and other boards are always written by women (maybe I missed any that were written by men). They are stories of failed relationships or marriages, whereas the woman relocated - moved states, across country, or even continents - to be with a guy they met on the net. These women walked away from their lives, families, friends, livelihood, everything because they met someone on social media or dating site and decide they want to be with him. In most cases, they also bore the cost of the move and either sold or gave away their belongings in order to make the move. So, they ended up with little of nothing and usually no means to get back home and no home to return to.

To me, those women are either stupid or desperate or both. How can you do that after having no opportunity to really get to know a person? How can a person make such a decision based purely on what they were TOLD? That's why I placed such emphasis to you on not relying on what the women tell you. Invariably, those women regretted their decision after moving to be with a man who was not the person, nothing like the person, he had presented himself to be. And then they blamed him for duping them, but they, themselves, are the only ones to blame for being that kind of desperate and capricious.

The bottom line is if you can't spend time with a person to be able to observe them and truly get to know them, then you have no business forming a relationship with them and calling yourself falling in love because you've only fallen in love with their words - their words they used to make you think of them what they wanted you to think.

So, yes, it is obviously difficult in a long distance relationship. Therefore, the question is to you: Is it wise to form a long distance relationship with someone you meet on the internet? It may be best to stick close to home within a distance you can travel frequently. It's up to you and could mean the difference between finding a good mate and finding someone who makes you think they are a good mate. When meeting and dating, people try to make the person think they have things in common. So if a woman tells you she shares your passion for the same sports or sports team as you, how could you possibly know for certain if you and she never attend a game together or never even watch a game together for you to find out she really isn't interested and doesn't know anything about the game, the rules or how it's played? But that's the kind of thing that women will tell a guy. Her objective is to make you think she's perfect for you. It's unwise to just take her word for it.


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## Evinrude58

I think you’re doing well. I say go ahead and date. Learn that you are a desirable person (you sound more secure with that than most) because being cheated on puts most people in a state of mind that makes them pretty weak.

See what’s out there. Be skeptical. Nothing wrong with that. Only logical after what’s happened.

Enjoy being single for a while. Enjoy it forever if you want. 

Whether you are “healed” or not, there’s still going to be people who get hurt when dating.
My opinion is that meeting someone that you like and getting one’s mind off the ex is a very important factor in getting “healthy”.

As long as you’re honest with the person you’re dating as to your feelings, you aren’t doing them wrong.

I didn’t wait forever to date after my divorce. I’m glad I didn’t. I had a chance to figure out that there would be ladies out there that would still enjoy my company.
I had a chance to relearn how to be single again. One can be single without being lonely, I assure you.

Yes, internet dating is 99% people you don’t want to marry. But you only need one. And the people you meet outside of dating sites, there’s a high rate of duds there as well.

Have fun and enjoy your life. When you meet a woman that has some character, you’ll know it. And you won’t worry about them cheating.

Just give it some time.


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## Elizabeth001

The chances of long distance relationships working out is very low. You tend to fall for the idea of what you think it will be like when you’re together permanently, not knowing what it will ACTUALLY be like. Not saying it isn’t possible, but your odds go way down. BTDT. Divorced that. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 2ntnuf

personofinterest said:


> It's too soon to feel safe, and this is normal. It has been, what, 5 months?
> 
> I think you should give yourself time and space. Date if you must, but purpose not to get heavily invested in anyone for awhile (be sure you are honest with the women about this).
> 
> If you heal and become healthy, you WILL be able to love someone well again. It is a choice to do the work to get there. *Anyone who still cannot trust enough to love 10 years down the road is stuck because they CHOSE to be stuck.*


That's just not true. It all depends on what the individual experienced and what they can handle. The west is heavily against traditional marriage and families. It is a promiscuous society and the laws tend to add to the numbers who will never get married or have a relationship again. It is also true that many drop out of the dating and relationship world, believing it really isn't worth it.


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## Lostinthought61

Sczinger, 

there isn't anyone on this board that would not want you to find happiness and joy in a new relationship...you won't find a bigger cheerleading section than the people of TAM, but you will also find people who have walked in your shoes and know the hardship of vulnerability in something new....as you know life does not come with guarantees, there is no magical formula for love or faithfulness, there is no scratch off ticket to celestial bliss. Maybe she is the one or maybe she is the who will help you find what you need in yourself, to help you eventually find the one. people come in our lives for reasons or seasons....what i am saying is don't force something in order to find that something...take it slow; very, very slow, perhaps she will be a great friend to you and you to her, maybe she will be more or maybe not. Your job is to heal...your wounds are fresh, the scars have not formed. How can you be the best of you to her if you are not the best to yourself first. Please remember this is not a race, your ex is not your opponent, you do not have to be looking back.


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## bandit.45

My advice is to stop trying. 

Get off those dating sites, and work on yourself. Become the man you want to be. Set new goals. Do things you never thought of doing before. Go where it's dangerous and say "yes". 

Work out, get back into the old hobbies and interests you had before you got married and your exWW sucked your soul dry. Make new friends. 

Become the most interesting person you know. (Like Matt Matt). 

Eventually a good, beautiful, solid, decent woman will come along, out of the blue, uninvited, and look at you and the man you are and say to herself "Oh wow...I want me a piece of that Sczinger pie." And that will be that. She will pursue you and do everything she can to hook you and make her yours. And if you're lucky, she'll snag you. You won't have to lift a finger.


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## Ynot

OP, as others have said, it is way too early to be thinking of stuff like this. I went thru it myself - devastated by the end of a marriage and wondering if I would ever find that sense of contentment every again. But it is way too early for you to be thinking of that. The first step in loving someone else is to love your self. So you need to do as other have suggested and focus on your self. You need to rekindle old hobbies and find new ones. You need to make new friends, Think of the person you had always wanted to be until you got sidetracked in a relationship and become that person. Date for fun not for finding your "one" (there is no such thing anyways). Date to find out what you want and what you don't want. Learn from every person you meet. But stop thinking long term and focus on the moment right in front of you.


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## sczinger

Well, it just hit me that today is her birthday. Another one of those firsts I suppose. Cried for literally 3 minutes. Hate this. I'm fine for several weeks, and then I realize this is the first time in 10 years I will not celebrate her birthday with her. It's likely someone else. Still just seems so cruel what she did. STOP IT!!


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## RandomDude

sczinger said:


> Starting to date a little bit since my wife cheated and moved out back on February 3, 2018. I had a previous post here back in June,
> I have found that there are a lot of damaged people on these dating sites. Many of the women I connect with are too far away from me to even consider meeting for a drink or coffee but end up being the ones that I message with the most. Perhaps because we know we will never meet both of us open up and are very frank and have some meaningful dialogue regarding dating and meeting new people. They talk about how bad the selection of good men is as well.
> 
> I have, however, met a woman that I like quite a bit. We have similar interests, age-appropriate, are within 15 miles of each other and converse very well with each other. There is a spark between the two of us. She knows the situation that I've come from and I know hers. We have been very open with each other. However, deep in my heart, there is this hurdle that I've never encountered before. I get this overwhelming feeling that there is no way I could put my heart out there in fear of getting it ripped apart again. I also find myself comparing some of her characteristics with my ex. This is a good woman and she has done nothing to deserve what I'm afraid may be a permanent scar for me and prevent me from being able to love someone in the future the way I loved my ex. I don't want to just go on and on meeting good people and the same thing happening.
> Does this go away with the healing process? It makes me think how good I really had it with my ex...then I remember, "SHE CHEATED ON ME!" I am so pissed that my ex put me in this position.




All these walls aren't a bad thing, trust is simply something that takes time to build. Just follow your instincts, it's that voice that says "I know", and not "what if". 

Chances are you are hearing the "what ifs", which can be irrational fear. 

I've been the most vulnerable that I've ever been in my life for the last four months with my girlfriend and it's been simply the best time of my life. Still, I found someone who I decided is worth all the risk, proves herself consistently, 100%, so maybe you just have to find the right one too. Take your time and just be happy.


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## SentHereForAReason

sczinger said:


> Well, it just hit me that today is her birthday. Another one of those firsts I suppose. Cried for literally 3 minutes. Hate this. I'm fine for several weeks, and then I realize this is the first time in 10 years I will not celebrate her birthday with her. It's likely someone else. Still just seems so cruel what she did. STOP IT!!


Can't remember from your initial posts, if you are in counseling? It's not going to fix everything but it's going to help. Time + Help will fix it, eventually. While you need to be strong and move on, as my counselor says, you can't ignore your emotions either. If you are feeling like sh** or sad, etc, whatever. It's alright, acknowledge it, feel it and then move on. It is cruel but in time it will be better.


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## sczinger

stillfightingforus said:


> Can't remember from your initial posts, if you are in counseling? It's not going to fix everything but it's going to help. Time + Help will fix it, eventually. While you need to be strong and move on, as my counselor says, you can't ignore your emotions either. If you are feeling like sh** or sad, etc, whatever. It's alright, acknowledge it, feel it and then move on. It is cruel but in time it will be better.


I am and have been. Amazing how good you can feel about the whole situation with a professional that knows what they are doing. If only I could self-talk my self the same way. I go about every 2-3 weeks now as needed. I know only 5 months in that there will be a lot of firsts to come. The big one will be on September 26th. It would have been our 2 year wedding anniversary...and it's also my birthday.


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## SentHereForAReason

sczinger said:


> I am and have been. Amazing how good you can feel about the whole situation with a professional that knows what they are doing. If only I could self-talk my self the same way. I go about every 2-3 weeks now as needed. I know only 5 months in that there will be a lot of firsts to come. The big one will be on September 26th. It would have been our 2 year wedding anniversary...and it's also my birthday.


The firsts were hard for me but some a lot harder than others and I think with how much Hell I was put through living with her while she cheated the past year will make it not easy but easier that I don't have to stare the betrayal in the face everyday. June 12th of last year was what we would call D-Day. That was a tough day for me this year, probably even worse than what my Anniversary will be on October 11th, would of been our 15th but I associate June 12th as the day that my life as I know it began to mark the end of that life. 

I'm officially a 'free' man now but I'm in no rush to date. Part of me is nervous, not having dated in about 20 years (38 now). But for the most part I am focused on my kids first and foremost and then focused on building myself back into a machine, physically and with my daily routine. Sh## hurts on the inside but when I look in the mirror I see someone that just won't stop and the fire that rages in me will carry me through the next couple of decades. Ironically, it was my EW, about 20 years ago, when she said she just wanted to be friends that set off an eternal flame in me to kick a$$. She did it again, just wish it didn't have to come to it. I was finally starting to enjoy every aspect of life and my future and then the rug was pulled out. 

We'll be ok. Focus on something, dominate it and use the anger and the pain to make us better! (Fathers, church goers, employees, citizens, etc, etc)


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## Diana7

sczinger said:


> Starting to date a little bit since my wife cheated and moved out back on February 3, 2018. I had a previous post here back in June,
> I have found that there are a lot of damaged people on these dating sites. Many of the women I connect with are too far away from me to even consider meeting for a drink or coffee but end up being the ones that I message with the most. Perhaps because we know we will never meet both of us open up and are very frank and have some meaningful dialogue regarding dating and meeting new people. They talk about how bad the selection of good men is as well.
> 
> I have, however, met a woman that I like quite a bit. We have similar interests, age-appropriate, are within 15 miles of each other and converse very well with each other. There is a spark between the two of us. She knows the situation that I've come from and I know hers. We have been very open with each other. However, deep in my heart, there is this hurdle that I've never encountered before. I get this overwhelming feeling that there is no way I could put my heart out there in fear of getting it ripped apart again. I also find myself comparing some of her characteristics with my ex. This is a good woman and she has done nothing to deserve what I'm afraid may be a permanent scar for me and prevent me from being able to love someone in the future the way I loved my ex. I don't want to just go on and on meeting good people and the same thing happening.
> Does this go away with the healing process? It makes me think how good I really had it with my ex...then I remember, "SHE CHEATED ON ME!" I am so pissed that my ex put me in this position.



In my opinion its far far too soon after just 4-5 months for you to date again You need far more time to heal and recover. It took me 4 years before I was in anyway emotionally ready to date again. I didn't meet my now husband for 6 years after my marriage ended and even then I did struggle to trust him at first. 

Wait at least till you are divorced, a year minimum is my advise. You will then be far more emotionally healthy.


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## Diana7

Evinrude58 said:


> I think you’re doing well. I say go ahead and date. Learn that you are a desirable person (you sound more secure with that than most) because being cheated on puts most people in a state of mind that makes them pretty weak.
> 
> See what’s out there. Be skeptical. Nothing wrong with that. Only logical after what’s happened.
> 
> Enjoy being single for a while. Enjoy it forever if you want.
> 
> Whether you are “healed” or not, there’s still going to be people who get hurt when dating.
> My opinion is that meeting someone that you like and getting one’s mind off the ex is a very important factor in getting “healthy”.
> 
> As long as you’re honest with the person you’re dating as to your feelings, you aren’t doing them wrong.
> 
> I didn’t wait forever to date after my divorce. I’m glad I didn’t. I had a chance to figure out that there would be ladies out there that would still enjoy my company.
> I had a chance to relearn how to be single again. One can be single without being lonely, I assure you.
> 
> Yes, internet dating is 99% people you don’t want to marry. But you only need one. And the people you meet outside of dating sites, there’s a high rate of duds there as well.
> 
> Have fun and enjoy your life. When you meet a woman that has some character, you’ll know it. And you won’t worry about them cheating.
> 
> Just give it some time.


Sorry that's just not true. I know loads of lovely couples who met on line as I and my husband did. I also got to know many really nice people that way, who all wanted to marry and were good people. 
If you use a site like tinder I agree.


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## 2ntnuf

sczinger said:


> Well, it just hit me that today is her birthday. Another one of those firsts I suppose. Cried for literally 3 minutes. Hate this. I'm fine for several weeks, and then I realize this is the first time in 10 years I will not celebrate her birthday with her. It's likely someone else. Still just seems so cruel what she did. STOP IT!!


Eventually, you will realize she didn't love you the way you love her, and this will make all the difference. You are worth having someone love you as you do them. In time, you will realize that and be okay. I'm not saying it won't take a little time to embrace all the new ideas you are going to figure out, that really you denied while with her. 

Hang in there. There will be firsts like that. It truly does get easier as time goes on and as you get settled into a new and exciting life.


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## Rick Blaine

sczinger said:


> Well, it just hit me that today is her birthday. Another one of those firsts I suppose. Cried for literally 3 minutes. Hate this. I'm fine for several weeks, and then I realize this is the first time in 10 years I will not celebrate her birthday with her. It's likely someone else. Still just seems so cruel what she did. STOP IT!!


Sczinger,
We understand what you're going through, friend. The first year is really hard and there are no shortcuts. If you were not at rock bottom, it would mean that you were never committed to a lifelong partnership with your ex-wife. This is the high price you pay for dignity, commitment, and integrity. You loved your wife in the truest sense. That speaks very well of you and makes you a great catch down the line. And the fact that she could just cheat and then cut and run speaks for her as well. I would not trade places with her and her so-called "happiness" for all the tea in China. 

But, as I said earlier, you now need to move through this difficult process and slowly release the baggage. You will gradually heal, and each day you will get stronger and happier. Once a year or so has passed and you are healed and reintegrated, you won't think of these milestones and historical reference points as much. But for today just recognize that these triggers go off because you have a heart full of love, and that speaks well of you. One day, a new lady will come along and she will be the deserved recipient of that love.


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## Ynot

sczinger said:


> Well, it just hit me that today is her birthday. Another one of those firsts I suppose. Cried for literally 3 minutes. Hate this. I'm fine for several weeks, and then I realize this is the first time in 10 years I will not celebrate her birthday with her. It's likely someone else. Still just seems so cruel what she did. STOP IT!!


All of these "firsts" are exactly why many of us are urging you to take the time to focus on yourself. Right now you are still focused on her. Putting her (actually the relationship with her) ahead of where you are today. It just takes time. Eventually all of these "firsts" stop looming so large in your life as they become just another day of you moving forward, away from them.


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## BruceBanner

2ntnuf said:


> That's just not true. It all depends on what the individual experienced and what they can handle. The west is heavily against traditional marriage and families. It is a promiscuous society and the laws tend to add to the numbers who will never get married or have a relationship again. It is also true that many drop out of the dating and relationship world, believing it really isn't worth it.


What makes you think the west is against traditional marriage and families? What makes you call the west a promiscuous society?


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## Evinrude58

Diana7 said:


> Sorry that's just not true. I know loads of lovely couples who met on line as I and my husband did. I also got to know many really nice people that way, who all wanted to marry and were good people.
> If you use a site like tinder I agree.


Diana,
I did the online thing. I met a few ok ladies. I met lots more that were on there for ego kibbles, on there to find a rich guy, ladies who had trouble finding dates in real life.

But from my perspective—- there aren’t many people of character on them. I do know couples also that have met online and are happy.
The percent of people that have good character isn’t that high anywhere.
It’s much lower on the online dating sites—/ that’s just an opinion.

I could be wrong. But I’m not. Still, as I said, it only takes one and it would be worth it.

OP won’t need to date online. There will be single women that come out of nowhere. He will be surprised.
It takes time to heal. But sitting at home “healing”??? 
I disagree. Get out and enjoy life. If he wants to date, I think he should have at it. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders. He will be careful about who he invests his feelings in.
And a good woman’s companionship will certainly not hurt his healing.

Allowing himself to dwell on thoughts of his ex wife. Will delay the healing.

I do agree that he should be extra, extra careful about falling in love with someone this soon. In a weakened mental state of grief, he could be more succeptible to misreading a persons character and his own feelings.


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## sczinger

Diana7 said:


> In my opinion its far far too soon after just 4-5 months for you to date again You need far more time to heal and recover. It took me 4 years before I was in anyway emotionally ready to date again. I didn't meet my now husband for 6 years after my marriage ended and even then I did struggle to trust him at first.
> 
> Wait at least till you are divorced, a year minimum is my advise. You will then be far more emotionally healthy.


The divorce was final 10 days after I filed. 1 months after she left. Uncontested, no minor children and no lawyer.


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## Ynot

sczinger said:


> The divorce was final 10 days after I filed. 1 months after she left. Uncontested, no minor children and no lawyer.


The divorce was just the beginning of the end of your relationship. Now you must make it to the other side. This takes time. As you saw yourself so many of the "firsts" are going to impact you. Please do NOT make the mistake of using another person to mask your pain. It will not work out and you will only end up hurting someone else and making things worse for your self. Instead take this time to focus on your self. Find out what you want, what you desire and who you are.


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## sczinger

Ynot said:


> The divorce was just the beginning of the end of your relationship. Now you must make it to the other side. This takes time. As you saw yourself so many of the "firsts" are going to impact you. Please do NOT make the mistake of using another person to mask your pain. It will not work out and you will only end up hurting someone else and making things worse for your self. Instead take this time to focus on your self. Find out what you want, what you desire and who you are.


I know who I am. I already loved myself when my ex and I started dating. 99.9% of our relationship was wonderful, except for the last 30 days when my world exploded. I was already doing the things I liked doing. With her. Us, together. We were enjoying life... then bam. I have tons of respect and love for myself. You know what I want? Someone, the right person, to share an abundance of love and respect with. Someone who is not going to suddenly decide to go for something more exciting once the infatuation turns into a normal, safe and secure union. If you have concerns in a relationship, grow a freaking spine and talk about it. Don't throw away 10 years of a great relationship. Don't act like your happy while making plans to escape to another relationship that starts out as an affair. SPEAK UP!!!


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## 2ntnuf

BruceBanner said:


> What makes you think the west is against traditional marriage and families? What makes you call the west a promiscuous society?


The rate of divorce is the biggest factor for me. Marriage seems like it is not taken seriously. It seems like it is something to try, but not taken seriously.


I know few women and men who do not "hook up". I know few who are married and have not been divorced at least once.


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## bandit.45

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish there was some magic pill you could take to get over it but there isn't. You just have to slog through the mud and pain and push through to the other side. It's a slow process.


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## Ynot

sczinger said:


> I know who I am. I already loved myself when my ex and I started dating. 99.9% of our relationship was wonderful, except for the last 30 days when my world exploded. I was already doing the things I liked doing. With her. Us, together. We were enjoying life... then bam. I have tons of respect and love for myself. You know what I want? Someone, the right person, to share an abundance of love and respect with. Someone who is not going to suddenly decide to go for something more exciting once the infatuation turns into a normal, safe and secure union. If you have concerns in a relationship, grow a freaking spine and talk about it. Don't throw away 10 years of a great relationship. Don't act like your happy while making plans to escape to another relationship that starts out as an affair. SPEAK UP!!!


I think you mean you knew who you were and you probably do love yourself. But when your world is blown apart, it takes time to put the pieces back together and more often than not, the pieces don't fit together because they are damaged.
I remember viewing my life as a plate glass window that had been shattered with all the pieces lying on the ground below it. I dutifully went around and tried collecting all of those pieces to rebuild my life. But once I had gathered them all up I could never remake what I had had. Too many damaged and missing pieces. So I decided if I couldn't have the nice solid plate glass window I would have to replace it. So I did (or rather am doing) that. Today I have a beautiful stained glass window in place of the plate glass one. I am still switching out parts as I move forward and learn, but it is shaping up.
Your assumptions, conclusions and ideas about life have been torn asunder. They will continue to be under assault as you continue to have realizations. More often than not, those realizations will conflict with what you had previously thought. So your choices are to ignore reality and keep making the same mistakes over and over again, or accept reality and change your way of thinking.
I still find myself falling back into old thought patterns. Old habits are hard to break. New ones are even harder to form. Both take time. Give your self the gift of time.


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## Lostinthought61

sczinger said:


> I know who I am. I already loved myself when my ex and I started dating. 99.9% of our relationship was wonderful, except for the last 30 days when my world exploded. I was already doing the things I liked doing. With her. Us, together. We were enjoying life... then bam. I have tons of respect and love for myself. You know what I want? Someone, the right person, to share an abundance of love and respect with. Someone who is not going to suddenly decide to go for something more exciting once the infatuation turns into a normal, safe and secure union. If you have concerns in a relationship, grow a freaking spine and talk about it. Don't throw away 10 years of a great relationship. Don't act like your happy while making plans to escape to another relationship that starts out as an affair. SPEAK UP!!!


SC,

I hope you stick around to help others who do not have the same conviction you had, the same determination you had. we need more voices


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## Oceania

Unbeknown to me I became involved with someone who'd recently separated - why unbeknowst? Well he presented as someone who was single, carefree and free to engage in a relationship. Little did I realise he was grieving and angry at the loss of his ex and that actually he wasn't free at all. He was still involved with his ex on many levels. Not that I am saying that is you. By the time I'd realized the truth of the situation I was emotionally engaged and it took me years to disengage from him (even now I'm not fully convinced that I am). 
All I'm saying is give yourself time so that the next relationship you enter into with a completely new person will have the best possible opportunity to thrive.


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## arbitrator

CmonDionne said:


> Unbeknown to me I became involved with someone who'd recently separated - why unbeknowst? Well he presented as someone who was single, carefree and free to engage in a relationship. Little did I realise he was grieving and angry at the loss of his ex and that actually he wasn't free at all. He was still involved with his ex on many levels. Not that I am saying that is you. By the time I'd realized the truth of the situation I was emotionally engaged and it took me years to disengage from him (even now I'm not fully convinced that I am).
> *All I'm saying is give yourself time so that the next relationship you enter into with a completely new person will have the best possible opportunity to thrive.*


*I know that with people like myself, that when you've been perpetually and unconscionably burned, you just stop allowing anyone who might be totally loving and trustworthy to ever enter into your life again!

And in so doing, one richly relegates themselves into a lonely, living hell, greatly out of fearing that their heart, in trying to learn to retrust, will be torn asunder, yet again! Greatly cleaving to the safety and their security in loneliness much rather than the God-given potential security of love! *


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## Hoosier

Read the first page then jumped here to the end to comment.

Married 30 years, wife left when I found out that she was having an affair, moved in with her affair partner, they married and remain so, now, 7 years later.
I am way past the baggage, I was devestated at the time, but have come to view the break up as a positive thing. I am way happier, she is more miserable (doesnt make me happy, but its the truth) my kids, all adults have basically handled it well.

I WILL NEVER GIVE MY HEART TO A WOMAN AGAIN. I date, have lots of fun on dates, but I will never give control of me over to another ever again. I have even tried to change, to soften my heart, it wont happen. I am not upset by this at all, curious more than anything, but not everyone ever makes it back from infidelity. Just sayin.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> I WILL NEVER GIVE MY HEART TO A WOMAN AGAIN. I date, have lots of fun on dates, but I will never give control of me over to another ever again. I have even tried to change, to soften my heart, it wont happen. I am not upset by this at all, curious more than anything, but not everyone ever makes it back from infidelity. Just sayin.


You don't have to give your heart to someone to be in a loving relationship. Unless you are some sort of fatalistic lover. Dating is OK for awhile especially after a Divorce, but after awhile its gets monotonous. Nothing but an endless line of train wrecks. At some point, its nice to have someone that has your back. 

I thought the same way as I'll never this and that. But, hell if I'm gonna let one hoe define me. There are plenty of good women capable of monogamy. Once you find one, it may not seem so crazy to trust her not to just be another cheatin, lyin hoe. But if that's not what you want, thats cool too, there are plenty of dirty hoes to occupy your time. I'd like to think there is something more that that, though, atleast for me.


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## sczinger

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> You don't have to give your heart to someone to be in a loving relationship. Unless you are some sort of fatalistic lover. Dating is OK for awhile especially after a Divorce, but after awhile its gets monotonous. Nothing but an endless line of train wrecks. At some point, its nice to have someone that has your back.
> 
> I thought the same way as I'll never this and that. But, hell if I'm gonna let one hoe define me. There are plenty of good women capable of monogamy. Once you find one, it may not seem so crazy to trust her not to just be another cheatin, lyin hoe. But if that's not what you want, thats cool too, there are plenty of dirty hoes to occupy your time. I'd like to think there is something more that that, though, atleast for me.


I will say... I loved being married to her. We had each others back. That's why it was so painful when it just came out of nowhere. I want to be married again, but no time soon. I have a ways to go on the healing process. Part of me thinks I may miss the right one if I don't date. I guess I should get to the point where I can let the game come to me. Can't believe she put me in this position.


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## 2ntnuf

sczinger said:


> I will say... I loved being married to her. We had each others back. That's why it was so painful when it just came out of nowhere. I want to be married again, but no time soon. I have a ways to go on the healing process. Part of me thinks I may miss the right one if I don't date. I guess I should get to the point where I can let the game come to me. Can't believe she put me in this position.


When you think about it, when married you are always a hair's breadth away from that position.


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## Ynot

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> You don't have to give your heart to someone to be in a loving relationship. Unless you are some sort of fatalistic lover. Dating is OK for awhile especially after a Divorce, but after awhile its gets monotonous. Nothing but an endless line of train wrecks. At some point, its nice to have someone that has your back.
> 
> I thought the same way as I'll never this and that. But, hell if I'm gonna let one hoe define me. There are plenty of good women capable of monogamy. Once you find one, it may not seem so crazy to trust her not to just be another cheatin, lyin hoe. But if that's not what you want, thats cool too, there are plenty of dirty hoes to occupy your time. I'd like to think there is something more that that, though, atleast for me.


Or you might decide that monogamy isn't all it was cracked up to be to begin with. So you embark on a journey of experience and decide marriage wasn't all it that as well. When I think about my own marriage, I realize that severe boredom had set in. I was not happy being shackled to this one woman. I had discovered her hard limits and quite frankly they weren't enough for me. Now I am free to find whatever I desire, as often as that may change, for as long as I want.
Because despite thinking that your spouse really has your back, that too is an illusion, much the same as monogamy is. In the end, you realize that no one else experiences your life the same way you do. More typically, some one having your back is more about their expectations than your own.


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## 2ntnuf

Ynot said:


> Or you might decide that monogamy isn't all it was cracked up to be to begin with. So you embark on a journey of experience and decide marriage wasn't all it that as well. When I think about my own marriage, I realize that severe boredom had set in. I was not happy being shackled to this one woman. I had discovered her hard limits and quite frankly they weren't enough for me. Now I am free to find whatever I desire, as often as that may change, for as long as I want.
> *Because despite thinking that your spouse really has your back, that too is an illusion, much the same as monogamy is. In the end, you realize that no one else experiences your life the same way you do. More typically, some one having your back is more about their expectations than your own.*


I agree with the whole thing, but I think the bolded is a heck of a great insight. As far as I can tell, it is true. 

However, I don't recommend it, but I have chosen to remain celibate and not even date. That's how much I do not trust myself or anyone else. 

Everyone finds their own way.


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## HeartbrokenW

I don't date either. It's been almost 6 years for me. My youngest just graduated, there's no reason can't, I guess I'm just content. My exh walked away.. it's taken me a while to get here. I was angry and hurt for the longest time. Now I'm ok with it. I don't think I hate my ex any more.. I pity him really. I'm finally in a good place and I'm good with it.

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


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## bkyln309

Ynot said:


> Or you might decide that monogamy isn't all it was cracked up to be to begin with. So you embark on a journey of experience and decide marriage wasn't all it that as well. When I think about my own marriage, I realize that severe boredom had set in. I was not happy being shackled to this one woman. I had discovered her hard limits and quite frankly they weren't enough for me. Now I am free to find whatever I desire, as often as that may change, for as long as I want.
> Because despite thinking that your spouse really has your back, that too is an illusion, much the same as monogamy is. In the end, you realize that no one else experiences your life the same way you do. More typically, some one having your back is more about their expectations than your own.


Sounds like you have some healing to do. Sounds abit cynical. Not all women are not going to have your back. If you want to run around with different women, no problem. But your experience does not make all women and relationships a bad thing.


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## Ynot

bkyln309 said:


> Sounds like you have some healing to do. Sounds abit cynical. Not all women are not going to have your back. If you want to run around with different women, no problem. But your experience does not make all women and relationships a bad thing.


I never said all women were or were not going to have your back. What I said was that it is just an illusion when you assume they always will. Nor did I ever say all women or all relationships are a bad thing. I was responding to a post about monogamy, not women or relationships.
I was simply presenting an alternative to the idea that one MUST be in a relationship to be healthy. Your response is a perfect example. In your mind I need to heal, because I have given up on the Disney fantasy of the One. So really it sounds to me like you have some learning to do, before you start pointing fingers.


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## Diana7

Ynot said:


> Or you might decide that monogamy isn't all it was cracked up to be to begin with. So you embark on a journey of experience and decide marriage wasn't all it that as well. When I think about my own marriage, I realize that severe boredom had set in. I was not happy being shackled to this one woman. I had discovered her hard limits and quite frankly they weren't enough for me. Now I am free to find whatever I desire, as often as that may change, for as long as I want.
> Because despite thinking that your spouse really has your back, that too is an illusion, much the same as monogamy is. In the end, you realize that no one else experiences your life the same way you do. More typically, some one having your back is more about their expectations than your own.



Wow, you ARE cynical. There are many married couples who are very happily married and happily monogamous, and who definitely do have each other backs. I would defend my husband to the death. 

We were both in long first marriages, 23 and 25 years. Both betrayed in different ways by our former spouses. Didn't put us off or make up cynical, we have been happily married for over 12 years now.


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## Diana7

2ntnuf said:


> I agree with the whole thing, but I think the bolded is a heck of a great insight. As far as I can tell, it is true.
> 
> However, I don't recommend it, but I have chosen to remain celibate and not even date. That's how much I do not trust myself or anyone else.
> 
> Everyone finds their own way.


Maybe we are both just trusting people, but once we realise that not all men or women are like the one who hurt us, we can be hopeful about another spouse and another marriage. It also makes you more careful the next time in what to look for in a partner. Not to ignore any red flags and chose wisely. I was very strict this time, I had a long list of qualities that I wanted in a man and husband. 

I think that I always knew that I wanted to marry again, but wasn't emotionally ready to date again for a few years. 

If you are happy alone then that's fine. I just love marriage. :smile2:


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## Ynot

Diana7 said:


> Wow, you ARE cynical. There are many married couples who are very happily married and happily monogamous, and who definitely do have each other backs. I would defend my husband to the death.
> 
> We were both in long first marriages, 23 and 25 years. Both betrayed in different ways by our former spouses. Didn't put us off or make up cynical, we have been happily married for over 12 years now.


It is only cynical when one can only imagine that happiness is only found in a marriage. Which is complete and utter BS. Yes, there are "happily" married couples, but there are also happily single people out there who truly enjoy their lives and do not feel the need to have someone "have their backs". You and your ilk, suggesting that the OP needs to just to continue to seek a "life partner" are simply making the OP feel worse than they need be. Because there are more alternatives out there than seeking your next "one"

OTOH, it is kind of hilarious that you would try to denigrate me, for my post, when you yourself are all the evidence that I need to be proven correct. YOU, thought you married your first husband for life. YOU thought he was going to have your back. You found out he didn't. Case closed.


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## Diana7

Ynot said:


> It is only cynical when one can only imagine that happiness is only found in a marriage. Which is complete and utter BS. Yes, there are "happily" married couples, but there are also happily single people out there who truly enjoy their lives and do not feel the need to have someone "have their backs". You and your ilk, suggesting that the OP needs to just to continue to seek a "life partner" are simply making the OP feel worse than they need be. Because there are more alternatives out there than seeking your next "one"
> 
> OTOH, it is kind of hilarious that you would try to denigrate me, for my post, when you yourself are all the evidence that I need to be proven correct. YOU, thought you married your first husband for life. YOU thought he was going to have your back. You found out he didn't. Case closed.


No case isn't closed. Firstly I advised the op to wait for some time before he thought of dating again as its too early. Secondly he wants to meet someone so your point about being happy single isn't relevant to him.
Thirdly the reason why I divorced my husband wasn't due to his relationship with me, it was something completely separate. 
Forthly, most people desire to have a partner, its how we were made to be, to share life with another. I don't know any single people who wouldn't rather be in a relationship. I am sure there are a very small minority who are genuinely happy being single, but its not common.


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## Ynot

Diana7 said:


> No case isn't closed. Firstly I advised the op to wait for some time before he thought of dating again as its too early. Secondly he wants to meet someone so your point about being happy single isn't relevant to him.
> Thirdly the reason why I divorced my husband wasn't due to his relationship with me, it was something completely separate.
> Forthly, most people desire to have a partner, its how we were made to be, to share life with another. I don't know any single people who wouldn't rather be in a relationship. I am sure there are a very small minority who are genuinely happy being single, but its not common.


No case closed. Firstly he wants to date. That is not the same as getting married or for that matter being in a relationship. Second he wants to be happy and not feel like he is going to get his soul crushed again so my advice is absolutely relevant to him. Thirdly it doesn't matter why you divorced your first husband. The fact is you did. I am certain that you did not go into it thinking "let's see how long this plays out". You went into it thinking this is your life mate and you were proven wrong, which is the whole point of my post. Finally, once again you are speaking from within the tiny bubble of the world that you live in. I know plenty of people - both men and women, who are happily single and more than willing to enjoy life and share it with whomever they happen to be involved with at that moment. They do not want or seek to be married. Regardless of what you think, marriage is not the end game for many people. Especially those of us who have discovered there is a whole world out there to experience and we have chosen NOT to get tied down in a dying institution which serves absolutely no purpose for us at this point in our lives.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Soooo, with all that was said Ynot...Why are you on a "marriage forum"? Or do you think that by re-defining marriage to suit your experience and let downs, you will be happier and content?

Dating is good for interaction with others concerning romance, but I find that the heart will eventually yearn for more. A fulfillment that a "life partner" can complete. Yes, we all make mistakes in that area. Some are epic, but the need for closeness and simpatico is something that many desire. Not just a role in the hay and a 4 dollar beer at a venue.

I guess, for OP his story is still too new. He needs time. He met a wonderful gal and should take time to get to know her. Don't dwell on looking 5 years down the road mind you. Enjoy her now and in the present. You can see that not all people are out to hurt you. And you may not even want to escalate the relationship later on. You may just file away the information of what you enjoy about her and things that you didn't. That is some good medicine for our souls. It gives us a more worldly view to those around us. More healthy expectations.


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## MZMEE

Ok. Either you are going to clean the slate of your past relationship and give another woman the full chance to show you who she is or just stay single and have friends. It wouldn't be fair to the woman for you to hold her hostage to another woman's mistakes. EVERY relationship requires you to be vulnerable. Now you are shell-shocked because you were introduced to a feeling you never felt...don't cheat yourself out of happiness because of what someone else did, otherwise she wins for the rest of your life.

What you do is think about any mistakes you made in the last relationship that allowed someone to come in and cause a cheating situation? Women don't usually cheat for just sex. It's deeper than that (though still very wrong). Somewhere along the line there was something that pushed her into the arms of another man. But also tell yourself....every woman is not her so don't punish everyone else for what she did. If you get to the point where you don't trust....stay single.

It does take time so give yourself time. Forget committing to someone for a while and allow yourself to heal. Learn to be by yourself and get you together before you will be good t anyone else. No need to rush.

Good luck. But it is possible. I did it.


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## Hoosier

I replied earlier in this thread, and I still go by what I said (Not giving my heart to another woman) but I had a really odd thing happen, related to this subject, this last weekend that I wanted peoples views on.

I was out on a date, with a woman I have taken out a couple of times, and each time, on a very platonic level. I enjoy her company, and I consider my dates with her as experiments (have told her as such) as she is different than a lot of women. I dont think she thinks about sex. She says she does, but I am not so sure. I wonder if she is a "responsive" lover, but not sure. I am trying to find out how this works. Dont know if this has anything to do withmy question, but putting it out there.

During a discussion, she said to me "What is it that makes you not want to be in a serious relationship? Is it that you feel like you have already been with "The One" , that isnt happing again and so now everything is just for fun?"

Wow, that night I thought over what she said and had to admit, that she might just be right! Maybe thats the deal. If asked I would say, she was the one, we grew apart, but she was the one for me. Anyway, I talked with her the next day, asked her where she had read that, where she came up with what she said, I was interested in investigating furthur. She did not remember saying that! Nor anything like that! 

Maybe its just not fear (I think its most of it) but other things as well.....

sorry for thread jack.


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## sczinger

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Not just a role in the hay and a 4 dollar beer at a venue.


Wait....serious question. Where can I get a $4 beer at a venue?

Here's the thing. I know I'm nowhere near ready for a serious relationship. That's why when I go out on a date I'll tell her exactly where I am in the process and that I'm not looking for a long-term relationship right now and just wanting to spend some time with a nice woman if she is willing to accept that type of scenario. Hell, they usually tell me I'm not ready if they ask me how long I've been divorced. And something I never thought I'd say 5 months ago, I can envision a future for me where I'd be happy not to be married again. At my age, I need to have my back.


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## sczinger

MZMEE;19632417What you do is think about any mistakes you made in the last relationship that allowed someone to come in and cause a cheating situation? Women don't usually cheat for just sex. It's deeper than that (though still very wrong). Somewhere along the line said:


> I can say that it was a combination of empty nest, going through a "rabid" change of life, approaching 50 with nothing to show for it from her previous marriage, taking a job in the restaurant business (which I supported fully because it made her feel fulfilled) and working every Friday, Saturday and Sunday till 1 AM, her boss, the AP, that is a predator with three past sexual harassment suits, and lastly going from seeing each other 70 hours a week down to maybe 15. This was the perfect storm. I'm telling you I was a supportive husband. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Perfect? Of course not. When she left she blame shifted, listed all my pet peeves, and then told me she wanted a more exciting life like the people that came into her upscale restaurant. It's like she read the textbook on cheating 101. Knowing what I know now I guess the biggest mistake I made is letting her take the job. I can say I will never, ever, consider a long-term relationship with someone in the food service industry. No offense if you are a bartender or server but you know what that kind of business is like. Hell, if every place of employment had a fully stocked bar where we work and we could belly-up at the end of our work day we would all be in trouble.
> 
> Oh yes, I didn't do a good job of picking up my clothes and I whistle when I'm happy. Those are two of the reasons she gave for leaving me.


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## Diana7

Ynot said:


> No case closed. Firstly he wants to date. That is not the same as getting married or for that matter being in a relationship. Second he wants to be happy and not feel like he is going to get his soul crushed again so my advice is absolutely relevant to him. Thirdly it doesn't matter why you divorced your first husband. The fact is you did. I am certain that you did not go into it thinking "let's see how long this plays out". You went into it thinking this is your life mate and you were proven wrong, which is the whole point of my post. Finally, once again you are speaking from within the tiny bubble of the world that you live in. I know plenty of people - both men and women, who are happily single and more than willing to enjoy life and share it with whomever they happen to be involved with at that moment. They do not want or seek to be married. Regardless of what you think, marriage is not the end game for many people. Especially those of us who have discovered there is a whole world out there to experience and we have chosen NOT to get tied down in a dying institution which serves absolutely no purpose for us at this point in our lives.


You are speaking from the tiny bubble that you live in. Most people want to be with someone whether that is in marriage or living together. How can it be a dying institution if practically everyone get married sooner or later, and the majority get married again after a divorce or bereavement? 
As I said all the single people I know really want to be with someone. These are from all age groups and all types. 

I got the strong impression from what he said that the OP wanted to meet someone special to be with, not do go on casual dates. 

Sad that you feel we cant experience the world if we are married. Many of us do that as well as being married.


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## bandit.45

sczinger said:


> I can say that it was a combination of empty nest, going through a "rabid" change of life, approaching 50 with nothing to show for it from her previous marriage, taking a job in the restaurant business (which I supported fully because it made her feel fulfilled) and working every Friday, Saturday and Sunday till 1 AM, her boss, the AP, that is a predator with three past sexual harassment suits, and lastly going from seeing each other 70 hours a week down to maybe 15. This was the perfect storm. I'm telling you I was a supportive husband. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Perfect? Of course not. When she left she blame shifted, listed all my pet peeves, and then told me she wanted a more exciting life like the people that came into her upscale restaurant. It's like she read the textbook on cheating 101. Knowing what I know now I guess the biggest mistake I made is letting her take the job. I can say I will never, ever, consider a long-term relationship with someone in the food service industry. No offense if you are a bartender or server but you know what that kind of business is like. Hell, if every place of employment had a fully stocked bar where we work and we could belly-up at the end of our work day we would all be in trouble.
> 
> Oh yes, I didn't do a good job of picking up my clothes and I whistle when I'm happy. Those are two of the reasons she gave for leaving me.


Your xWW is a lowdown lying sack of batsh*t. Of course her reasons are ridiculous because she knows she’s full of it...bat guano that is. 

Be glad she showed you who and what she really is before you wasted any more of your life on her.


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## Ynot

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Soooo, with all that was said Ynot...Why are you on a "marriage forum"? Or do you think that by re-defining marriage to suit your experience and let downs, you will be happier and content?
> 
> Dating is good for interaction with others concerning romance, but I find that the heart will eventually yearn for more. A fulfillment that a "life partner" can complete. Yes, we all make mistakes in that area. Some are epic, but the need for closeness and simpatico is something that many desire. Not just a role in the hay and a 4 dollar beer at a venue.
> 
> I guess, for OP his story is still too new. He needs time. He met a wonderful gal and should take time to get to know her. Don't dwell on looking 5 years down the road mind you. Enjoy her now and in the present. You can see that not all people are out to hurt you. And you may not even want to escalate the relationship later on. You may just file away the information of what you enjoy about her and things that you didn't. That is some good medicine for our souls. It gives us a more worldly view to those around us. More healthy expectations.


I haven't redefined marriage in way shape or form. So please tell me where you got this idea because I haven't. As for why I am here. In case you missed it, this sub-forum is titled Life After Divorce. That is why I am here. I seldom if ever post in any of the "marriage" forums, mainly because I don't think I have any relevant advice to give. I was married for 23 years. My wife, who I though was the "one", my life partner, the woman I was going to live the rest of my life with, the woman who was supposed to "have my back" decided to leave and get a divorce. So I speak from experience and not just the seat of my pants. Because unlike many here, I have learned that NOTHING is permanent and so I live my life knowing this. To all those who imagine they have found their soul mate - congrats. I hope your relationship lasts as long as you live. But the reality is that most marriages are not "happy" marriages. Simply grinding it out until you die is not the end al, be all of existence regardless of the primacy some of you place on marriage.


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## Ynot

Diana7 said:


> You are speaking from the tiny bubble that you live in. Most people want to be with someone whether that is in marriage or living together. How can it be a dying institution if practically everyone get married sooner or later, and the majority get married again after a divorce or bereavement?
> As I said all the single people I know really want to be with someone. These are from all age groups and all types.
> 
> I got the strong impression from what he said that the OP wanted to meet someone special to be with, not do go on casual dates.
> 
> Sad that you feel we cant experience the world if we are married. Many of us do that as well as being married.


What planet do you live on? So now you change it from being married to being married or living together. You are a real hoot! Keep moving the target why don't you?
It is a dying institution because fewer and fewer people are getting married every year. The percentages have declined from somewhere around 72% to now around 50%. It is a dying institution because people are outliving the emotions behind most marriages (remember YOU are divorced your self) It isn't all age groups and all types. Your experience is from your little bubble of born again zealots.
And sad that you don't understand that you can NOT experience the world since you are married. You can only experience to the degree that your relationship allows. As I have said there are millions of men and women, who have decided they do not want to be saddled with the legal baggage of marriage. Instead, they seek out and find other independent, similarly minded free thinking individuals who honor and respect their independence. They do not want to be taken care of nor do they want to take care of anybody else, because they have already done that and see no need to bring this burden unto themselves at this point in their life.


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## 2ntnuf

Diana7 said:


> Maybe we are both just trusting people, but once we realise that not all men or women are like the one who hurt us, we can be hopeful about another spouse and another marriage. It also makes you more careful the next time in what to look for in a partner. Not to ignore any red flags and chose wisely. I was very strict this time, I had a long list of qualities that I wanted in a man and husband.
> 
> I think that I always knew that I wanted to marry again, but wasn't emotionally ready to date again for a few years.
> 
> If you are happy alone then that's fine. I just love marriage. :smile2:


I was strict, too. I asked questions and later was told I was being a jerk by "testing" her. I didn't sit her down and ask. It happened over about 30 months of dating and living together, and of course watching to see if her words and actions were similar. 

She lied to me about her past, in some areas which were mighty important to me. They were dealbreakers and I imagine she knew, because I didn't hide anything from her. I wanted her to know how seriously I took the commitment and vows. I wanted her to know that I intended for it to last a lifetime. I'm sure I messed up. No one is perfect. I'm sure she could tell you many things that I did wrong, in her eyes. 

That's just it, though. I can't see through her eyes. She can't see through mine. Either way, it is over and I am done. I don't relish the choices I have and I wouldn't want to burden anyone with me. It's too late in life. I have nothing to offer. No sense in making some woman think I do. I wouldn't want another woman to do that to me. It hurts deeply.


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## Oceania

2ntnuf I'm not very good at this so I apologize if I come off cheesy. Would IC help with dealing with the disillusionment (you probably already have). So that you can park that baggage where it/she rightfully belongs? Behind you that is. And allow you to move forward giving other's the benefit of the doubt because surely not everyone is incapable of speaking truth. And what do you mean it's too late in life? As long as there's life there's hope isn't there? There must be otherwise I may as well just give up now for goodness sakes! Lol... As for having nothing to offer, well I just don't believe it. And the hurt... there are members on this site who will have a far more eloquent and insightful response than I and I'm sure you're one of them emoji smile. I look forward to their response.

Hugs to everyone emoji smile.


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## Diana7

Ynot said:


> What planet do you live on? So now you change it from being married to being married or living together. You are a real hoot! Keep moving the target why don't you?
> It is a dying institution because fewer and fewer people are getting married every year. The percentages have declined from somewhere around 72% to now around 50%. It is a dying institution because people are outliving the emotions behind most marriages (remember YOU are divorced your self) It isn't all age groups and all types. Your experience is from your little bubble of born again zealots.
> And sad that you don't understand that you can NOT experience the world since you are married. You can only experience to the degree that your relationship allows. As I have said there are millions of men and women, who have decided they do not want to be saddled with the legal baggage of marriage. Instead, they seek out and find other independent, similarly minded free thinking individuals who honor and respect their independence. They do not want to be taken care of nor do they want to take care of anybody else, because they have already done that and see no need to bring this burden unto themselves at this point in their life.


Not at all, my experience is from a large wider family who are mostly non Christian, many friends and friends of my children many of whom are also not believers, and people I meet in my life, neighbours, aquaintances, husbands work colleagues etc etc.
Yes I can experience the world as much as I want to. My husband is the most laid back easy going Aussie ever, he would never stop me doing anything that I wanted to do. We do so many things together as well. I cant think of a single thing that being married would stop me doing except sleeping around and I don't want to do that anyway. I actually feel far freer being married than when I was single. 
Marriage in the UK seems as popular as ever, nearly everyone here gets married eventually even if they have lived together first. I also know many who are on second marriages, mostly happy as well. 

I know a married couple who travel constantly. Every year they go on 4 or 5 holidays in different parts of the world, and have visited all the continents. Certainly hasn't stopped them literally seeing the world. 

BTW we are not zealots, just Gods children, and happy to be so. :smile2:


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## Ynot

Diana7 said:


> Not at all, my experience is from a large wider family who are mostly non Christian, many friends and friends of my children many of whom are also not believers, and people I meet in my life, neighbours, aquaintances, husbands work colleagues etc etc.
> Yes I can experience the world as much as I want to. My husband is the most laid back easy going Aussie ever, he would never stop me doing anything that I wanted to do. We do so many things together as well. I cant think of a single thing that being married would stop me doing except sleeping around and I don't want to do that anyway. I actually feel far freer being married than when I was single.
> Marriage in the UK seems as popular as ever, nearly everyone here gets married eventually even if they have lived together first. I also know many who are on second marriages, mostly happy as well.
> 
> I know a married couple who travel constantly. Every year they go on 4 or 5 holidays in different parts of the world, and have visited all the continents. Certainly hasn't stopped them literally seeing the world.
> 
> BTW we are not zealots, just Gods children, and happy to be so. :smile2:


Sorry to burst the bubble you live in. And I am sure that you will challenge the validity of this secular site but here it is straight from the horses mouth:

Marriage rates for straight couples fall to all-time low | Daily Mail Online

Here is part of the headline "Marriage rates for straight couples fall to an all-time low". Here is the rest of the headline "as the average age of brides passes 35 for the first time and church ceremonies plunge again"

Here is a chart if you need a visual aid to help you understand:


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## 2ntnuf

CmonDionne said:


> 2ntnuf I'm not very good at this so I apologize if I come off cheesy. Would IC help with dealing with the disillusionment (you probably already have). So that you can park that baggage where it/she rightfully belongs? Behind you that is. And allow you to move forward giving other's the benefit of the doubt because surely not everyone is incapable of speaking truth. And what do you mean it's too late in life? As long as there's life there's hope isn't there? There must be otherwise I may as well just give up now for goodness sakes! Lol... As for having nothing to offer, well I just don't believe it. And the hurt... there are members on this site who will have a far more eloquent and insightful response than I and I'm sure you're one of them emoji smile. I look forward to their response.
> 
> Hugs to everyone emoji smile.


Counseling did not help a great deal. I don't long for her or the life I had.


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