# Scared and feeling alone.



## karlk (Oct 15, 2010)

Hello. I am so much in pain I'm in dire need of help. For some time I've noticed my wife getting more and more distant. We discussed a few times what may be wrong and she kept telling me must be stress. We have been going through hell this past year. i was laid of July 2009, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and is now in palliative care as of yesterday, fiances are stretched to the penny, ad over all her job has been stressing her out.
I accepted this and carried on with giving her some space. Finally last Monday I said, please. Tell me hats going on. She did. She's no longer happy and doesn't know what to do.
We agreed to give her time and on her own, she called someone to talk to. That was last night.
After the kids went to bed we talked. In a nutshell, the social worker suggested we take a "trial separation".
After long discussions...I know this is what she needs, but I am so petrified that she actually wants to end it and this is just easing me into the transition. We agreed to take a few days to organize ourselves, and figure out how we are going to tell the kids (7 and 5). Where I'm going and when can I see the kids. I'm so scared and lost. I just want us to keep talking. I want us to go to counselling...but she is adamant that she needs to be away from me to "heal" or think things through. I'm so convinced she wants out. My emotions are at maximum overdrive and all I want is to "fix this" but I know that would push her further away. HELP PLEASE!


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## karlk (Oct 15, 2010)

29 views...no responses. The title is scared and ALONE!!!

thanks for keeping me there.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Karl, i am currently in the same shoes. My wife of 10 yrs just last week asked for a separation for pretty much the same reasons. I have been so torn because i want to try so hard to fix things, but every time I mention something, she gets furious and says that it's another example of how I have been inattentive to her needs. After talking to a few people, some of which who have been in a similar situation, they all said the same thing...let her be for awhile. They were able to pull things back together, and they feel with time, so can we. I'm optimist but I still have concerns, but this seems to be the "only" option if there is to be any reconciliation. She says that she wants to reconnect, but right now she needs to think. I'm willing to try, so in the meanwhile, I'm gonna work on getting myself together with some counseling to work on my issues and pray that, after some progress, she can recognize it and have that desire she once had for me. Stay strong.


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## karlk (Oct 15, 2010)

Thanks Mark. That is the hardest part. The waiting. So many things run through my head. I'm always feeling sick. 19 years we've been together. I just met her sister at lunch today for other matters, she just found out and can't believe what she is doing. She didn't talk to anyone just suddenly. BAM! See, now I'm ranting. I may do what you are and focus on myself. I hope she see's it. It's nice though not to be alone. Thanks fo replying.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Not making accusations but often times I think many partners ignore warning signs and practice avoidance until it's so bad that a partner has to make a drastic move in order to have their problems seen as serious. Most of the time women aren't compulsive enough to one day wake up with a problem with her husband and then pull out emotionally the following day. The kind of mess you seem to be in sounds like a huge pile of resenments and a large lack of hope. Now shes been broken inside and has been making strides to find her own two feet to be strong again. Its human nature to really crave what you can't immediately have so you're left pulling while shes busy pushing. 
The only way you have a shot with her is by really being respectful of her needs. Its ok to voice that you love her and want her stil but better to appear motivated to also be a better person rather than appear desperate. Desparity is only going to freak her out even more - instead demonstrate your ability to be a good friend and father. Take care of yourself and try to be confident that this is going to play out how it's meant to. 
Its vital you two work through resentments so offer her an ear and try to be compassionate about her feedback rather than defensive. Emphasize that you two were a team and although you've fallen on hard times that you could be a team again & support one another through.
Live a day at a time so you can hopefully handle so much emotional distress life has been piling on. Lean on friends & family for support and spend good time with your kids so u can take your mind off everything while restoring some normalcy to their lives too. 
Hopefully your wife can be honest with you about her resentments and you are given a chance to show her how good things can be again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karlk (Oct 15, 2010)

Thanks for hat Loveswithin,
I do hear every word and your right. i've come to the same conclusion myself. I hope I'm not to late to show her I am a good man, friend, father and husband. It took this to shake me and wake me up...I do see what I have to work on, and what I WON'T do again. I guess I just feel so bad for not being there for her like I should of been in the first place, I'm now whining to this forum. Thanks for being hear to offer some very good advice.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

karlk,
Loves just told you to be confident and take care of your self, then the first sentence on your reply is doubt and concern for her instead of your self. Seriously, go workout, get strong and fit, it will do you a world of good, spend as much time with the kids as you can, there confused why mommy is in a fog.


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## karlk (Oct 15, 2010)

Yes I know. Very hard to be strong right now. It's still so fresh. My brain won't stop and it's hard to sleep or eat. I just want this to be right again. We are SO right for each other. 19 years together (11 married) is a long time and I'd say up until a few months ago, every moment was a happy one. As she states herself. Just trying to get it all out on this forum to let the pain out. Hurts so bad.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

karlk said:


> Hello. I am so much in pain I'm in dire need of help. For some time I've noticed my wife getting more and more distant. We discussed a few times what may be wrong and she kept telling me must be stress. We have been going through hell this past year. i was laid of July 2009, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and is now in palliative care as of yesterday, fiances are stretched to the penny, ad over all her job has been stressing her out.
> I accepted this and carried on with giving her some space. Finally last Monday I said, please. Tell me hats going on. She did. She's no longer happy and doesn't know what to do.
> We agreed to give her time and on her own, she called someone to talk to. That was last night.
> After the kids went to bed we talked. In a nutshell, the social worker suggested we take a "trial separation".
> After long discussions...I know this is what she needs, but I am so petrified that she actually wants to end it and this is just easing me into the transition. We agreed to take a few days to organize ourselves, and figure out how we are going to tell the kids (7 and 5). Where I'm going and when can I see the kids. I'm so scared and lost. I just want us to keep talking. I want us to go to counselling...but she is adamant that she needs to be away from me to "heal" or think things through. I'm so convinced she wants out. My emotions are at maximum overdrive and all I want is to "fix this" but I know that would push her further away. HELP PLEASE!


“More and more distant”. That’s a massive sign of at least an emotional affair. Of course it could be the gunnysack of resentment coming into play. In the main, that’s your wife’s responsibility to clear herself of bitterness and resentment with your help along the way in your marriage. If she can’t do that then no way should she live with you.

If your wife is in an EA and you move out, what next? OM moves in? And then your problems are multiplied 100x. Stay where you are. If your wife insists on moving out tell her the door is open for her to walk back in and at that time you will work on the problems in your marriage together.

In either case, marriage problems or EA, personally I would not in any shape or form move out of my home. Period. If my stbx wanted "space" rather than work with me on our marriage problems then she sure as heck finds her space herself.

You’re not working, you can take care of the children.

You say you’re ideally suited as a couple. Your mother is in palliative care and yet your wife asks you to move out of your home. For me that’s callous and bordering on inhuman. It is at the very least exceedingly selfish.

Bob


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

karlk said:


> Hello. I am so much in pain I'm in dire need of help. For some time I've noticed my wife getting more and more distant. We discussed a few times what may be wrong and she kept telling me must be stress. We have been going through hell this past year. i was laid of July 2009, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and is now in palliative care as of yesterday, fiances are stretched to the penny, ad over all her job has been stressing her out.
> I accepted this and carried on with giving her some space. Finally last Monday I said, please. Tell me hats going on. She did. She's no longer happy and doesn't know what to do.
> We agreed to give her time and on her own, she called someone to talk to. That was last night.
> After the kids went to bed we talked. In a nutshell, the social worker suggested we take a "trial separation".
> After long discussions...I know this is what she needs, but I am so petrified that she actually wants to end it and this is just easing me into the transition. We agreed to take a few days to organize ourselves, and figure out how we are going to tell the kids (7 and 5). Where I'm going and when can I see the kids. I'm so scared and lost. I just want us to keep talking. I want us to go to counselling...but she is adamant that she needs to be away from me to "heal" or think things through. I'm so convinced she wants out. My emotions are at maximum overdrive and all I want is to "fix this" but I know that would push her further away. HELP PLEASE!


If didn't know any better, I would think my husband was on here and this was his post. We have been together 18yrs married 12. Have a 6 year old. I have 'distant' myself from him over last few years. We had a long talk other nite as well. Both agree this stems back about 8 yrs ago when we lost a child. Hate to use word resentment, but in all honesty, just may be. I felt H got right back on the schedule of life. I did not. I became selfish, went agains marriage and him and stopped BC pills. Felt I deserved second chance regardless of his feelings. Long story, but I have realized over all those years now, I think things just went deeper and deeper and are now resurfacing. Creating more pain. I'm sorry wish I had advise, but I too seek what both you and your wife are seeking. We have 11yr age difference. So we are in two difference comfort zones of life. Not sure if a happy medium can be found. However, as my H says, until I can find strength to actually say...I need out of this marriage, he will continue to fight and love me and be my best friend. He feels I am not In love with him, but do love him and care for him. I am lost as to what I am. I hope you find your way. Keep posting and reading here. It's amazing how many people here share your life stories.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> If didn't know any better, I would think my husband was on here and this was his post. We have been together 18yrs married 12. Have a 6 year old. I have 'distant' myself from him over last few years. We had a long talk other nite as well. Both agree this stems back about 8 yrs ago when we lost a child. Hate to use word resentment, but in all honesty, just may be. I felt H got right back on the schedule of life. I did not. I became selfish, went agains marriage and him and stopped BC pills. Felt I deserved second chance regardless of his feelings. Long story, but I have realized over all those years now, I think things just went deeper and deeper and are now resurfacing. Creating more pain. I'm sorry wish I had advise, but I too seek what both you and your wife are seeking. We have 11yr age difference. So we are in two difference comfort zones of life. Not sure if a happy medium can be found. However, as my H says, until I can find strength to actually say...I need out of this marriage, he will continue to fight and love me and be my best friend. He feels I am not In love with him, but do love him and care for him. I am lost as to what I am. I hope you find your way. Keep posting and reading here. It's amazing how many people here share your life stories.


Emotionalwreck, you’re fully aware it’s a massive thing in life to lose a child and can be the cause of the marriage breaking up, you don’t need me to tell you that.

If your emotions haven’t been handled “properly” you may well have PTSD from 8 years ago. The path to healing starts with understanding and forgiveness. Some will not forgive under any circumstances. I’ve seen it, I accept it, but I don’t understand it. These people quite simply have a preference to be bitter and resentful.

There’s something called “Post Traumatic Embitterment Disorder” PTED. You may want to research it, it may help you in some way. It helped me understand where I was with my wife after we separated, I had it for about 6 months and I’m still quite bitter now but nowhere near at the level I was, I do feel like I’m getting back to the “normal” me. I feel good inside.

Now that I understand this stuff, and I understand and accept my wife is just not a person to forgive, I can go on the path to healing through forgiveness by myself. My forgiveness for my wife is for me and me alone so I rid myself of bitterness and resentment.

Bob


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## karlk (Oct 15, 2010)

Thanks emoionalwreck,
We are the same age...and she has been more about "her" in the last little while. I thought it was a good thing because she has ALWAYS worrried and helped others rather than herself. One of the things I fell in love with her was that she put others before herself. This is what's so strange. I've heard stories about sudden trauma in peoples lives thatc aused them to distance themselves from each other...we've had a hard year yes...but not once did she ask for help. Maybe she did, and I didn't hear it. More likely I didn't hear it. I just want to talk. I want to listen. I get it now...I'm here for her. She just doesn't want anything to do with me. I can see it in her eyes.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

karlk said:


> Thanks emoionalwreck,
> We are the same age...and she has been more about "her" in the last little while. I thought it was a good thing because she has ALWAYS worrried and helped others rather than herself. One of the things I fell in love with her was that she put others before herself. This is what's so strange.
> 
> Karl- Is it possible you took her giving towards you for grantid? You can do so without really meaning to! If she is a people pleaser then it's sad she did a 360 into selfishness because she denied herself attention & love for so long. =( Im also a people pleaser but my husband started taking it for gratid by "being used to" me getting lots done physically and emotionally in the marriage. Im guilty of seeking emotional attention from other men after giving so much and not getting met in return. All the while I craved and needed my husband to do more but by his own initiative without me directing him like a puppet. I got so naggy and distant from him and it wasn't until he started taking initiatives and showing me appreciation for my past devotions to the marriage before I wanted to be super close with him again. He demonstarted real care and concern for our life and it made me fall more in love with him. In turn I was able to be a more patient, kind and loving wifey because I didn't have so much on my plate anymore. My seeking of other male attention has completely ceased with my growing trust & optimism in him again. I don't know your entire situation but I hope mine helps bring a lil hope to your heart. I agree- time to soothe yourself and boost your confidence up. Forgive yourself for error and use it for change rather than a fist against yourself. =) You CAN be happy without her but remain hopeful you two can be happy together again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karlk (Oct 15, 2010)

No doubt I took it for granted. So far everything I've posted I see the error of my ways. I REALLY do. Now, It's a matter of her believing me when I say I'm going to work my ass off to show i am not that person. I love her so deeply, that I am willing to do anything. I have since day one.

The issue I have right now, and maybe it's just all this pain and confusion turning to anger..is why am I being punshed like this. She wants time to think, then she's told she should do a trial separation...she wants that..I hate the idea...I want marriage counselling, but she doesnt see the point in that right now. Fine. I figure at this point...just let her be and do as she asks...but she can't even look at me. I find her avoiding me at all costs. I have yet to go, just because of timing etc, but I'm petrified once I'm gone...how can I show her I can be what she wants. I can be what I already am...a loving husband, who has her always on top of my mond...whether I showed it or not..that was my bad. We have always been about communication and respect. These have been key to us lasting this long. No matter what she wants, likes I support. NEver judge and always go out of my way to ensure she is happy. I thought it was fine...I guess I was wrong..but here's the kick in the ass...SAY SOMETHING!!!! Don't bottle it up, don't allow it to fester...how do I know Im doing wrong? How can I say I'm sorry? This is whats eating me alive. All i get from her is a nod of the head or I'm ok. I see all the points given. I just want to have some sign that she cares. Anything.


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## DebV (Oct 20, 2010)

It is hard because you can't control it. You want to fight but she doesn't. I agree with loveswithin, that you need to try as hard as you can to make yourself a better person. You'r world may seem like it is crumbling but it will only be re-built one piece at a time...


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

When I left my husband, I too distanced myself. It was my way of trying to be independent of him and not allow him to convince me of something other than what I was really feeling at the moment. I was resenting him. I was trying to be my own person. Honestly, I was trying desperately to break completely away from him and the life we shared. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but it did end the way you are hoping.

During our 10-month long separation, my husband went to see a therapist weekly to try to work through his issues. I refused to join him, as we had been through marriage counseling twice before and I had completely given up by this point. We got to the point of his filing for divorce at my request. The difference between what my husband did and what everyone else is telling you to do is that he did not leave me alone. Granted, it really pissed me off. I wanted desparately to be rid of him, but he refused to allow that. Be it negative or positive, my husband made sure there was a reason to call or come by. He continually told me that he loved me and that he would never give up on us. If he thought I was seeing someone, he would tell me that whoever it was had better take good care of me or else he was coming for him. He would tell me that I could always come home to him and that all he wanted was to love me and cherish me for the rest of his life. Okay, I am crying now. The point is my husband did not leave me alone, and I went back to him.

I am not sure if this is what you should or should not do. All I know is that if my husband had left me completely alone, I would most definitely be in my own condo by now, and moving on with my life.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

I feel like I am reading m life right now but im reverse.... husband told me two weeks ago he is done with our 6 yr marraige.... he isnt happy, he doesnt want to be married to me, we are different yada yada...apparently he has felt like this for yrs.... he is set in his ways said nothing will change and he wants out... I feel that a marriage is worth fighting for but I am also afriad if distancing mself and not trying to fight for us, although I feel like I am fighting with a wall.... I like you do not know if I should slowly fight for us... or if I need to give him space to leave....


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## karlk (Oct 15, 2010)

Hello Everyone,

To Update my life...gone from bad to worse. My Mom lost her fight with cancer. The day before I was supposed to leave.
My world ha been crushed. My wife came to my work, to be with me. We had to go to my parents as my mom passed away at home in her bed, and my Dad was so lost he didn't know what to do. He called her doctor who pronounced her dead, but then he sat and waited for me.
After we called the funeral home, had her removed. My dad wanted time to himself. of course. So me and the wife went home. We talked and she said at this time I didn't have to leave...stay. As we got home we told the boys, a little young to really comprehend yet (7 and 5) My oldest cried, and has been asking questions. They rest of the day/evening passed and I could feel the evasion in my wife. She would check to see if I needed anything and the occasional sympathetic hug, but I could see, this was not good. I told her in the morning I would still leave. She opened up a little more because I asked..what did I do. he told me she's tired of me being angry all the time. She's felt so alone and almost hated coming home to see what mood I'd be in. I have done some self reflection and she was right. I was so busy hating the world for all other stress in my life I wasn't there when she wanted to reach out.
The painful thing she said is I want to see if I miss you...if I can do this on my own. She can't even say she loves me anymore. She says I love you because your the father of my children. I know thats not the same. I'm crushed and I'm numb. I told her I wouldn't contact her anymore unless it was necessary for the kids etc. I'll give her complete space. I'm alone. I'm scared. I'm in pain.
I've been gone for 3 days now and last night we talked.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I am so sorry about your mother. You have my deepest sympathy.

Listen, about your wife. I don't think you should leave her alone, if you really do recognize your role in your failing marriage. 

My leaving my husband stemmed from years of bottling up how his abuse hurt me. One of the things that was so detrimental in my life was never know what mood my husband was going to be in when I came home from work on a daily basis. I used to try to call him around 4:00 p.m. everyday to try to feel him out. I needed to prepare myself for what I might have been in for. I can't even begin to explain how this damage me so. If you really do recognize that you did something wrong... if you really do recognize exactly what you did... if you really are going to change, then don'e give up. Tell your wife that you admit fault. Tell your wife exactly what you did and why it was wrong. Show her that you recognize your fault and admit it. Tell her that from this day forward she will not have to worry about that. Tell her how you plan to change. Show her you that you are being honest with her and yourself. Whether she tells you she does not want to go to counseling or not, you go. If you don't go after her, you will surely lose her. While she may love you, life without the stress and fear can be more desireable. It was for me and, as I stated before, if my husband had given up I would never have gone back to him. While I did love him, my newfound sanity and peaceful life were more important. He had to stay right by me and show me that he recognized his wrong-doing, and prove to me that he was really working on his issues. Slowly, I began to soften toward him again. Remember, I was gone for ten months. I was gone for nearly a year. In the end, after much fight, I went back to my husband.

Please, make sure you have someone to help you through this. My husband stopped eating altogether. I had to have food delivered to him by friends. You are not only going through the same stresses my husband went through, you are also in mourning over your mother. You may be very weak right now.

Just some insight. The idea that might husband might actually change, and treat the next woman with love and respect killed me. I almost could not let that happen. I felt I was the one who deserved good treatment from him. While, I was not really jealous of anyone he was seeing during our separation, the idea that he treated them better than me was painful. They were all really beautiful too. I always wondered if I would make a mistake by divorcing him and never really stop loving him.

Keep your head up.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

karlk said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> To Update my life...gone from bad to worse. My Mom lost her fight with cancer. The day before I was supposed to leave.
> My world ha been crushed. My wife came to my work, to be with me. We had to go to my parents as my mom passed away at home in her bed, and my Dad was so lost he didn't know what to do. He called her doctor who pronounced her dead, but then he sat and waited for me.
> ...


Sorry to hear that . My friend right now you can't sort out issues in your Marriage . Take a break , give her space as much as she wants . If she feels she really loves you she would initiate contact.

Best of luck


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

I'm gonna weigh in here...
I'm currently in a relationship (together 19, married 13, one son who is 9 years old)
I have asked my husband for a seperation, to go to counseling, to even talk to me....nothing.
I'm in therapy, and it's helped ME....
So, I am making plans to leave (since he refuses to leave the house) and get what I need. I don't think he takes me seriously and would just be happy to keep going like nothing is wrong.

With that being said, if your wife is asking for a seperation (whether she is having a EA, PA...whatever *as some have offered up*) she will continue to seem distant, not be able to look at you etc until she gets away from you and sees for herself what she needs and wants. You don't want this to turn into hate and resentment...so, don't sabatoge yourself by not doing what needs to be done. 

Work on yourself....read all you can, do what makes YOU happy! Don't smother her or be too needy....but don't be mean either.

It's gonna work out or it's not....but only time and space will tell right now.

If you were my husband, this is what I'd say....

I wish you the best!

M


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