# Wrong start?



## newbee30 (Mar 24, 2009)

I always thought Marriage was a fun relation for life with your companion....until I got married. 

Just after college I had moved out to a new city and got into a relation with a guy whom I knew from before. I wasnt really interested but his perserverance made me give in and we had a physical relation. He was serious about it however due to my family's inacceptance I decided to give up that relation (he wasnt really a soulmate either. Guess I just didnt have the courage on my own to break away and needed some push).

Later I met my now husband through internet dating and got married last year despite a lot of family chaos and misunderstandings. Also, when we had decided upon each other I told him about my past relation without hiding any details.

We are originally from the same country but were living in different continents when we first met. We tried to have a normal marriage where families were equally involved but somehow that didnt happen and our families are not on talking terms with each other. So we did a civil marriage however he probably had an idea of upcoming family arguments so he suggested that we divorce each other within first 10 days of marriage. I presumed he was saying that because of the long distance and the miscommunications that the families had and will be resolved once we are together. 

I finally joined him however I was somewhat hurt in all the process and initially had a lot of fights with him. The fights always ended by him asking me to leave and go back home and I always backed out on that saying that we should give it a try for at least a year. 

He is a nice person and he really cares about me. My job involves traveling to my home country and everytime I come back here, its an uphill battle for me to get adjusted again. After I came back from my last travel, the same happened and I snapped at him. His patience is also running out and we had a very dirty argument where he mentioned that he is not comfortable with my past and that I had no moral values. We got so raged that he also slapped me for the first time. And again the conclusion for him was that I should leave him and go forever. Yet again I pacified him and we decided to give it one more try. 

Now there are times when I can see that he is imagining me with another person. And he seems really pained by the thought. I have therefore taken a back seat and dont bother him much even though I feel hurt with the things that he said and did in the last fight. I dont know the way forward. Should I start being submissive or will I ever have an equal relation with him? I dont know how to get my past out of his mind.

Please help, marriage is a whole new thing for me and I havent had a very good start.....


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I'm not familiar with the customs from where you are...but this relationship seems abusive? You are always the one begging for forgiveness for I'm not sure exactly what. Coming from an American standpoint - you should NEVER have to put up with being hit, you shouldn't but up with the emotional abuse of walking on eggshells every time you come home and the fact that your husband is always telling you to leave? You mentioned family issues in the beginning - are they part of what is causing him to tell you to leave?

Sorry - sometimes its hard to give advice when I'm not familiar with what is considered normal for marriages where you are.


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## lovie (Feb 17, 2009)

I'm not really sure how to respond to this. My thought are that you should not have to put up with this...or becom submissive. In the end, it wont make you happy. I agree that it does sound like an abusive realtionship. I dont know about your family issues with each other, but maybe you could try some marriage counseling.

Sorry, Im not sure what else to say, as im not familiar with this situation


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## newbee30 (Mar 24, 2009)

I realize there's a cultural difference here but thanks for your responses. Guess I will wait a little and see how it goes before taking any big step.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i guess the problem is maybe you feel like you should be punished for your past. because that's what he is doing, and you are allowing it. 

if anyone has to come to terms with your past, it is you. once you do this, you will realize he has no right to treat you that way, and you wont feel so guilty.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

It kind of sounds to me like there are two different cultures involved and that neither is "american"-type. 

Where are you both from and why are there these differences/problems? 

What is/are the families' differences/problems with each other?


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## nj123 (Mar 27, 2009)

I understand what you are saying... From my point of view you did a mistake telling him about your past. I did the same mistake but then i talked to my husband and told him past is gone and if you keep thinking about my past you will spoil your own future along with me. So you need to decide what is good for us....Also i made him comfortable with me making a trust that i truly love him. I will not go with any other man except him..

That helps .


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## sarah63 (Apr 5, 2009)

He slapped you? I don't know what your cultural background is, all I know is that I, personally, the moment he puts a finger on me it is over.


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