# Thinking of swinging



## irish cple (May 23, 2011)

Me and the wife have been together for 13 years and are thinking off trying the swinging lifestyle. Our sex life is great but we think that there is something missing. Let me give you a run down on what we both like.

We love playing with toys. We have both tried anal ,giving and recieving and both really like it. Theres even times that the husband has wore a VWE strapon and had great sex with this with the wife as she really likes VWE guys and has had experience before with.Im not that bleesed in that department so i decided to suprise the wife with it one night and we havent looked back since as it has made our sex life even better.

We have been chatting for 2 years now about swinging and are ready to start in the next few weeks. We have both chatted about having a threesome with a vwe guy and i always notices that the wife gets really turned on by this and is a real high turnon for the me as well.

Recently we have been watching some lesbian porn and the i noticed that my wife got turned on like never before(ive never seen her like that before) so now we are chatting about the her having her 1st bi experience in a few weeks and are really excited about it.The thing is thou when we chat at night about it, its a real turn on for both us but when we chat during the day then the wife is in 2 minds if she wants to do this or not. Shes recently found out that her best friend has had a threesome and i can see that this has made her want to try it even more because she is a bit shy about actuly meeting 

We have agreed that while swinging that im not aloud to touch anyone else and im well happy with this because i wants to see my wife have the time of her life sexualy, i know this might sound abit crazy to some but i get a real turnon thinking about my wife having sex with other people ,esp VWE guys because i know what this is really what she loves thou at times she denies it,lol, but that is her being shy. 

Would just love to hear other people opinions on this matter. I know there will be a few who dont agree with swinging but its something i think that we have to try out because weve been chatting about it for over 2 years now and its got to a point were its frustrating. At the end of the day , its only sex and theres no emotion involved so we both need to try it before we can rule it out. 

We have been on a number of swinging sites and have chatted with other cples who have been swinging for over 10 years and they have been saying that its been the best thing that has even been added to their marriage.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Everything has a upside and downside. 

There are a few people on here who have had experiences with this, both good and not so good, so hopefully they can help you shed some more light on it. 

If you feel it has advantages and disadvantages then take those and weigh your options.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

irish cple said:


> We have agreed that while swinging that im not aloud to touch anyone else and im well happy with this because i wants to see my wife have the time of her life sexualy, i know this might sound abit crazy to some but i get a real turnon thinking about my wife having sex with other people ,esp VWE guys because i know what this is really what she loves thou at times she denies it,lol, but that is her being shy.


It does not sound crazy. BUT that said, it is not uncommon for the inequity to become a source of later resentment.

Please get a copy of Opening Up and read it together. It is not about just swinging but all kinds of responsible non-monogamy. It is a very, very good book that can help you avoid common pitfalls.




> Would just love to hear other people opinions on this matter. I know there will be a few who dont agree with swinging but its something i think that we have to try out because weve been chatting about it for over 2 years now and its got to a point were its frustrating. At the end of the day , its only sex and theres no emotion involved so we both need to try it before we can rule it out.


DH and I did it for many years. We did not go into it thinking that there was a LACK in our own sex life. When we have seen others do it, it has always been a mistake. 

That said, for us it was great. Trust built. All around worth the time.




> We have been on a number of swinging sites and have chatted with other cples who have been swinging for over 10 years and they have been saying that its been the best thing that has even been added to their marriage.


If you go about it correctly, safely it can be great. That is why I recommend the book above. BUT it is risky. Of the people we know who have done it, many have wound up in bad places. Read the book.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Perhaps she enjoys the idea "at night" because she's excited, in the proverbial moment, and indulging in some arousing fantasy. Meanwhile, "during the day," her hormones aren't as powerful an influence as she goes about her routine, because she's thinking about it logically.

At the end of the day, I'd have to say that, if you want to try it, make sure you're both on the same page...that you both understand the potential consequences to your relationship...that you're both prepared to pull the plug if either one of you isn't comfortable.

I know that I, personally, wouldn't be able to deal with seeing another man with my wife, in part because that's how I'm wired, and in part because she had a PA a year ago that nearly ended us. At the same time, she admitted her bi-curiosity to me several years ago, and I gave her permission to explore that on the condition that I at least got to watch. She was somewhat looking for a woman to experiment with, but as we've begun our recovery process, she's told me that she stopped looking, because she doesn't think I'd be able to handle it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## irish cple (May 23, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Perhaps she enjoys the idea "at night" because she's excited, in the proverbial moment, and indulging in some arousing fantasy. Meanwhile, "during the day," her hormones aren't as powerful an influence as she goes about her routine, because she's thinking about it logically.
> 
> At the end of the day, I'd have to say that, if you want to try it, make sure you're both on the same page...that you both understand the potential consequences to your relationship...that you're both prepared to pull the plug if either one of you isn't comfortable.
> 
> ...




My wife has cheated on me before and i used to think this myself about her being with another guy but the more i thought about watching her having sex with another bloke then it really got me turned on like never before, im not afraid to say that i nearly came when i was thinking about me watching her with a guy who is VWE and giving her the best sex shes ever got, i have never experienced a fantasey like it and then it opened up thoughts that i'd thought never in a million years would i be thinking them. Its the same with my wife , for ages she always told me that she would never ever sleep with a women because its not in her, but we then read some erotic stories and watch some lesbian porn and i'd never seen her as horny in the hole 13 years we've been together, i even think she was embarresed about it but once i noticed that she was horny, i then asked her can i feel to see if she was wet, she turned round and told me she was "soaking wet" we then went straight upstairs and had great sex. We then chatted about her sleeping with another women so she's told me to set it up because she wants to experience it, something that i already knew TBH


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's not the swinging per se I object to, but I do. No, the question I have is just how bored do you have to be and what are the warning signs?


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## irish cple (May 23, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> It does not sound crazy. BUT that said, it is not uncommon for the inequity to become a source of later resentment.
> 
> Please get a copy of Opening Up and read it together. It is not about just swinging but all kinds of responsible non-monogamy. It is a very, very good book that can help you avoid common pitfalls.
> 
> ...




Can you give me any insight to how you felt about it before you had your 1st swinging experience, your 1st time with a women/cple/threesome with a guy etc...., its got to the point with us two (me the most) that its getting frustrating talking about it any longer. I think we are doing the right thing asking on the swinging sites and on this forum about it before we actuly do it but TBH we will never no untill we try. I cant see us not doing it because weve talked about it so much and not both of us get really turned on about it so i dont see why we shoudlnt do it. I honestly want to see my wife have the time of her life with guys with big ****s and trying her bi side as this is something that i no i cant give her. I know she has had sex with guys who are bigger than me and she has enjoyed it quite well so i now want to see her enjoy herself with them while im there. 

Let me give you an example of 2 nights ago , we watched some porn a few hours before we went to bed and while in bed we chatted about swinging. I then decided to put the large strapon on me with some lube, she then got on top and she rid that thing like there was no tomorrow while i lay there in extacy and then had great sex with the strapon then with me . TBH with you all here , i can see when we use the strapon that she orgams more than with me and that she really loves the extra lenght and girth, theres been times ive took it out and there has been cum all over it like ive never seen while my **** has been in her, so i now what her to have the real thing while im there. 

Like in my other post before , never in a million years did i think i would be thinking this but it just feels great so why not keep it going


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## irish cple (May 23, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> It's not the swinging per se I object to, but I do. No, the question I have is just how bored do you have to be and what are the warning signs?



I dont no what you mean by this ?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

irish cple said:


> Can you give me any insight to how you felt about it before you had your 1st swinging experience, your 1st time with a women/cple/threesome with a guy etc....,


I felt nervous, excited. We went quite slowly. He was VERY careful to make sure I felt safe.




> its got to the point with us two (me the most) that its getting frustrating talking about it any longer. I think we are doing the right thing asking on the swinging sites and on this forum about it before we actuly do it but TBH we will never no untill we try.


Pressure is almost universally bad within swinging. If you are pressuring her, then you two are NOT on the same page. Slow is ALWAYS better. It is a cat that cannot be put back in the bag. Any negative fall out cannot be undone.

If you two, and each of your needs, do not come FIRST, then I say don't do it. ALWAYS move at the speed of the slowest partner. Trust and security are KEY.




> I cant see us not doing it because weve talked about it so much and not both of us get really turned on about it so i dont see why we shoudlnt do it.


What does she say?



> I honestly want to see my wife have the time of her life with guys with big ****s and trying her bi side as this is something that i no i cant give her. I know she has had sex with guys who are bigger than me and she has enjoyed it quite well so i now want to see her enjoy herself with them while im there.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

irish cple said:


> I dont no what you mean by this ?


All these things seem like an affect of boredom to me. A mile wide and an inch deep. I don't understand what people or couples get out of this.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> All these things seem like an affect of boredom to me. A mile wide and an inch deep. I don't understand what people or couples get out of this.


Out of swinging? Would you like to?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No. I don't get it. It's sounds like fast food snacking to me. It sounds trivial. I'm just old fashioned I guess. I doubt I could even have a functioning physical relationship with a woman I don't really care about.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

irish cple said:


> My wife has cheated on me before and i used to think this myself about her being with another guy but the more i thought about watching her having sex with another bloke then it really got me turned on like never before, im not afraid to say that i nearly came when i was thinking about me watching her with a guy who is VWE and giving her the best sex shes ever got, i have never experienced a fantasey like it and then it opened up thoughts that i'd thought never in a million years would i be thinking them.


Some people can enjoy the reality, some just the fantasy, and some of us...neither. As a couple of us have said here in the thread, if you both choose to go forward with it, be sure you're doing so with open eyes. It might be something you enjoy...or it might end up being that the fantasy was much more pleasing than the reality.

A couple that my wife has known since high school had (what I believe was) their first threesome several weeks ago, and they loved it. For myself, I know my personal boundaries and issues, so I know I don't want to see or even think about my wife with another man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

irish cple said:


> My wife has cheated on me before


This is sending loud alarms off in my head. Swinging requires EXTREME trust. I cannot see how you can trust her to be a person of character in swinging if you could not trust her to be faithful. Tread more than carefully here.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> No. I don't get it. It's sounds like fast food snacking to me.


So you don't understand it. You could be given insight into another point of view, but you don't want to? You want to maintain ignorance? I don't understand that. Certainly is your right. But I will never understand it.


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## irish cple (May 23, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> I felt nervous, excited. We went quite slowly. He was VERY careful to make sure I felt safe.
> 
> 
> Did you enjoy it thou and did it make you want more of it. Can i also ask why you got into the swinging lifestyle
> ...


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## irish cple (May 23, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> This is sending loud alarms off in my head. Swinging requires EXTREME trust. I cannot see how you can trust her to be a person of character in swinging if you could not trust her to be faithful. Tread more than carefully here.



I havent been that faithfull myself thou, you see we got together when we were young 16 and 18 and cheated before it got really serious. We have got over the cheating so its not an issue at all concerning the swinging.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

irish cple said:


> Did you enjoy it thou and did it make you want more of it. Can i also ask why you got into the swinging lifestyle


I don't remember the exact progression of feelings / decisions. We both had the nagging back of the mind thought that I was bi. I did not want to admit it. I was very scared and prissy when we first got married. Over the years, his trustworthiness allowed me to speak very openly to him and open up sexually. 

Over time, it became clear that I was bi. He and I also had discussed over the years that sexual exclusivity makes sense from an emotional standpoint but not so much from a biological standpoint. We had discussed, not so much about ourselves but general philosophical conversations about how there is deep, meaningful, connected sex and more playful detached sex. There are many, many config rations of sex for us.

So we talked about the idea in a very general way. I admitted it was exciting but was very nervous about it. Worried about the possible risk... He began looking at websites. He would show me interesting prospects. I said no them all. 

Over time we finally did begin swinging. It fostered a number of changes in us. We learned through some challenging times that we had the capacity to really love each other for better or worse. We learned how to be honest even when honest was scary, hard or we had made mistakes. 

Strangely enough, the sex itself was the least important factor for us.

We made some terrific friends and kept some terrific friends. We did make a lose some along the way. We had a time or two where we were present for marital flame out.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

well there you have it.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> well there you have it.


What does that mean?


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

I have personally known 3 couples who have tried swinging, and all of them are divorced now. One of my best friends ( former swinger) from college and I talked about it and he was very set against it. He said that swinging will not "cure", a marriage where one or the other partner isn't being satisfied sexually. If you can't find what is "lacking", IN your marriage, you will never find it OUT of your marriage, and if both of you have already cheated then where is there any truthful, honest background? Swinging NEVER makes a marriage better, it only takes your mind off one that is already bad. This is a really bad idea.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> What does that mean?


It means you are correct I have no interest in it or anything about it. I'm a live and let live guy. If it works for you,wonderful. I neither judge nor proseltize.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> He said that swinging will not "cure", a marriage where one or the other partner isn't being satisfied sexually.


No truer words than this have EVER been said. If that is the goal of swinging then run screaming.




> Swinging NEVER makes a marriage better, it only takes your mind off one that is already bad. This is a really bad idea.


This is only true if you go into swinging to fix a break. I can honestly say that swinging, or really exposure to some new feelings and situations, has very very much improved our already good marriage. This seems to be the case for several of the friends we made while in the lifestyle.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Mom, I can see your point, but this situation doesn't seem to fit your mold. I also would say that swingers have as many if not more issues than Vanilla couples. IC's wife and he are heading straight into a train wreck. IC, do you have self-esteem problems? The reason I ask is, if you do as you say and she is allowed to eff other men but you aren't allowed to eff othe women, how much respect does she really have for you? I'm sorry but it seems to me that you are playing the cuckold,here.


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## irish cple (May 23, 2011)

irish cple said:


> . I cant see us not doing it because weve talked about it so much and now both of us get really turned on about it so i dont see why we shoudlnt do it.




Had to fix my post from above as i made a mistake, above i wrote not instead of now.


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## irish cple (May 23, 2011)

Dowjones said:


> Mom, I can see your point, but this situation doesn't seem to fit your mold. I also would say that swingers have as many if not more issues than Vanilla couples. IC's wife and he are heading straight into a train wreck. IC, do you have self-esteem problems? The reason I ask is, if you do as you say and she is allowed to eff other men but you aren't allowed to eff othe women, how much respect does she really have for you? I'm sorry but it seems to me that you are playing the cuckold,here.



I would say i do have self-esteem problems but i dont think this will make them worse as this is something that i really want to do . If after we have done it and we dont like it then we will just put it down to experience and not do it again. I cant see there being problems later on if its something we both want to try.

Im well happy to go along with what shes wants to do even if i have to take a back seat watching it all, you have to remember im the one who suggested it so i cantreally be complaining that im not getting any action. 


What is cuckold ?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> Mom, I can see your point, but this situation doesn't seem to fit your mold.


I would agree with this statement.



> I also would say that swingers have as many if not more issues than Vanilla couples.


I would not agree with this statement. I would not see they have LESS issues. I would say that a cross section of swingers looks exactly like a cross section of vanillas. Bear in mind that through meet and greets, parties and individual meets, I have met MANY MANY (most of whom we never even touch lest we start squicking people out unduly). So I have a little bit more data than your average I know 2 or 3 swinging couples. In many cases in which there are problems, they brought the problems with them into swinging.



> IC's wife and he are heading straight into a train wreck. IC, do you have self-esteem problems? The reason I ask is, if you do as you say and she is allowed to eff other men but you aren't allowed to eff othe women, how much respect does she really have for you?


This is not all that uncommon for there to be an inequity built into the rules. OP (what does IC stand for) this very, very frequently leads to jealousy and resentment. Tread more than carefully.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

irish cple said:


> I would say i do have self-esteem problems but i dont think this will make them worse as this is something that i really want to do . If after we have done it and we dont like it then we will just put it down to experience and not do it again.


This is a cat you cannot put back in the bag. That is one thing I HAVE learned. 

Anyway it does not matter. You are not really looking for advice. You are looking for a blessing to go ahead and do what you want. So further replies don't seem useful.


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## daison (Mar 3, 2011)

a looonnnggg time ago my husband told me that he was a little turned on by the idea of me being with another guy while he watched. There is NO WAY EVER I could or would ever do that. It may be a fantasy of his, but it is just that...a fantasy. Why take the chance of ruining a good thing?

Why not write a story about it for her, or ask her to write one for you that you can read on your own time. Or when getting her off talk about what you envision her doing with another guy.

There were times when if I was horny (or drunk) enough I think he might have been able to convince me to do anything. I'm glad he respected me enough not to as even though I would say I'm ok with it (as it sounds like your wife does in the heat of the moment) there would be a huge amount of regret after the fact.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If you're are adamanet about trying this and so is your wife, then it doesn't really matter what others think.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> I would agree with this statement.
> 
> 
> I would not agree with this statement. I would not see they have LESS issues. I would say that a cross section of swingers looks exactly like a cross section of vanillas. Bear in mind that through meet and greets, parties and individual meets, I have met MANY MANY (most of whom we never even touch lest we start squicking people out unduly). So I have a little bit more data than your average I know 2 or 3 swinging couples. In many cases in which there are problems, they brought the problems with them into swinging.
> ...


IC stands for Individual counseling. I agree with Mom6547. Irish, if you go ahead and do this, you can never go back to what you have now. You can't unmake a ****, nor put the Genie back into the bottle.


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## irish cple (May 23, 2011)

...


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## irish cple (May 23, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> This is a cat you cannot put back in the bag. That is one thing I HAVE learned.
> 
> Anyway it does not matter. You are not really looking for advice. You are looking for a blessing to go ahead and do what you want. So further replies don't seem useful.



I do think that the replys are usefull. I now we will prob just go ahead and do it by the comments above but there is that wee doubt that it will all go pear shaped and end up causing problems. I'd just liek to know what im getting into before it happens , i'd really hate for it to cause problems between us. I think we have chatted about it fully and fully expect what is going to happen but would hate it if it all went down hill. There is one cple that we might be meeting, weve chatted with them through msg and tehe wife likes what she see's so now its onto teh next step of phoning and possible some camming in the next few days. This cple we are meeting have alot of experience so i think it will go ok TBH.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

irish cple said:


> I do think that the replys are usefull. I now we will prob just go ahead and do it by the comments above but there is that wee doubt that it will all go pear shaped and end up causing problems. I'd just liek to know what im getting into before it happens


Read the book I recommended above. EVERYONE I have spoken to, if they had not read it first wishes that they did.

Good luck.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

IC,

My GF and I are really considering either bringing in a third person for a "one time" deal, or going to a sex club. Right now, it's heavily in the fantasy side of things, but I think it will turn into reality. I would consider our sex life (so far) to be very healthy and active.

But... We've only been seeing each other for 3 months now. So if things go south, it won't be much fun (and won't have been worth it), but it won't be the end of 13 years of marriage, kids, etc. So we have much less at risk as you do. But I wouldn't go through with it if I was really concerned about how it would affect us. 

If we do go through with it, the idea of starting with some same bed sex has come up. Or she has someone that she had a threesome with before who would like to join us, and she believes that he will be respectful of our current relationship. She's also promised me a threesome for me (FMF). And going to a sex club with the idea of just observing/hanging out has been tossed around as well.

Anyway, good luck! Mom, I'll check out that book too!  

C


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