# Husband confuses me with EX wife (after 10 years)



## the vocalist (Jun 1, 2013)

I didn't sleep well again last night... I got out of bed this morning with a full feeling of depression. 
My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We've been together almost 11. Things were rocky in the beginning because we had both divorced a few years before we found each other. We had both been married for 12 years to HATEFUL people. (when I say hateful, trust me... I mean it in the worst way)
We figured that the first year or so would be our "getting use to something good" time. We fought and cried and learned that we weren't anything like our ex spouses. 
We've now been married going on 9 years. We've not been unfaithful - always hold hands when we have dinner, cook together, watch movies side by side on the couch, I've even went hunting and LIKED IT for the past 8 years with him! SO, what's the trouble? Eggshells. We are walkin on eggshells all the time with each other. 
He hit his head back in 2009. He required 38 staples. They said there was no damage inside. I think this has something to do with my troubles today:::
The latest that has made me think I should leave:
Last Friday was my oldest daughter's graduation. My mom traveled in to see it along with my sister (4 hr drive) It was really nice because my mother is 76 and NEVER TRAVELS ANYWHERE! We coaxed her into staying for the weekend - and she did!  Saturday - we all went shopping at the outlets. Nice time. Saturday evening was a different story. My daughter came in, with her boyfriend of 2 years. They walked downstairs so that she could put a few clothes away. My 12 year old son tagged along with them. She was arranging clothes in the dresser, my son was sitting on the side of the bed, and her boyfriend was on the floor in the DOORWAY to the room - and MY HUSBAND WENT NUTS!
He flew up the stairs and said in a really bad tone "DO YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING, OR SHOULD I DO IT!??" For the sake of an argument, I yelled for my daughter, she came upstairs, I told her the RULES OF THE HOUSE and they came upstairs to sit on the couch. 
All is well, right?? WRONG! I went outside to my husband to ask if he was ready to start cooking... He looked at me with such hate in his eyes and started SCREAMING AT ME "WHY DIDN'T YOU CUSS HER OUT LIKE YOU DID ROSE!? (my stepdaughter) WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL HER A ***** AND TELL HER SHE WOULD BE PREGNANT AT 16!!??" 
I was so shocked at this! THIS IS WHAT HIS EX WIFE DID TO HER A FEW YEARS AGO BEFORE WE FOUGHT AND WON FULL CUSTODY OF ROSA.
I looked at him and said "THAT WAS YOUR EX... NOT ME!" And he started cussing and I just walked away. Everyone was in the next room... everyone was feeling so uncomfortable, so I had to shake it off and go play "HAPPY MOM" again. That was so hard!
I came in and asked my daughter ROSE, if that had happened - just to make sure I wasn't losing my mind... she said, no Mom, that was my BIOLOGICAL MOTHER! NOT YOU!!! You would never say that to me!
SO... It's been almost a week. SILENT TREATMENT. He knows this kills me. I've not been "seen" by him for a whole week. I would usually wait a few days for him to settle down and go and talk to him... however, he would always make it my fault someway. 
My oldest daughter says she really sick of the way he acts. I can't blame her, but he's not her husband either. I want to stay in the marriage, but it's getting harder and harder to go thru this - and this isn't the ONLY TIME this has happened.. it's like every 3-4 months... this is just the RECENT episode. 
A few years ago, I left him. Went to a motel for a week. There was his silent treatment to me. He came for me after the 4th day or so. We talked... he promised to go to the Dr. and he did. They put him on a few meds for a few different things... he took them for a while and all was well. Now, he laughs and cusses when I tell him to please take his medicine.. I don't do it in a bad way... I wait when things are good to ask and try to coax him into it. He just turns it around and says its all ME not HIM! 
I've even went to the Dr. a few times to make sure that I'm not going thru any hormonal changes, etc. They have assured me that I'm fine... 
I'm a patient person. I love being married. But this has to stop.

ANY SUGGESTIONS!?? I'm starting to feel empty and I don't want to feel that way... I'm starting to hold things against him and ... I just feel horrible. I don't feel loved AT ALL in this marriage... HELP...


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Vocalist, again, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so glad to see that you've started your own thread. In your first post, you speculated that your H may be exhibiting strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). If so, you should be seeing at least five of the nine BPD traits -- not just the occasional temper tantrum which you describe as occurring every 3 or 4 months.

I therefore suggest you read more about BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. Importantly, you are not capable of diagnosing your H's issues. You likely are capable, however, of simply spotting the red flags for BPD if you will take time to learn what the warning signs are. These traits are easy to spot because they are basic human behaviors that we all have to some degree -- which is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder."

Even we "normal" folks -- i.e., those of us who don't have a lifetime full-blown disorder -- can occasionally get serious flareups of our BPD traits. These flareups typically are caused by drug abuse, great stress, or a hormone change (e.g., puberty or mid-life hormone change). They also can be caused -- very rarely -- by a head injury or brain tumor. It therefore is important to know whether your H's BPD strong traits first appeared in 2009, when he hit his head. 

If you would like to read more about BPD traits, I suggest you see my description of them in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. Kathy Batesel also provides a good description of BPD, together with the list of nine traits, at Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships. If those two descriptions ring some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Vocalist.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

You say he hit his head, this could very well have something to do with it. An extended family member recently got a head injury and is a different person - it's terribly sad to see but there's no telling what kind of damage may have been caused. It would be worth seeing a neuro specialist


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

The change in behavior is concerning. This warrants getting a doctor's advice. If its unrelated to the injury, it may be something else. Best to rule out physical causes first.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

Confusion and bouts of unprovoked rage are classic symptoms exhibited by those with head injuries. Your husband needs to be seen by a doctor to see if this behavior is related to his injury.

This especially seems likely because you make it sound like y'all were quite happy for most of your marriage.

Is my impression correct...that he didn't use to act this way? That y'all were happy for most of your relationship?

I'm sorry you're hurting  I think you could use some emotional support yourself. You're going through a lot.


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## the vocalist (Jun 1, 2013)

Yes, we were happy most of our marriage (before the injury occurred) We were laughing and cutting up 10 minutes before the incident happened with my daughter/boyfriend. He "snaps" and recalls things that his ex wife has done or said in his past and I get blamed for it. I have talked with his Dr. numerous times and he's trying to "rule out" a few things - new meds here and there, but my husband will not take them.
Just a few minutes ago (day 7 now of the silent treatment from him) I texted him (I know, silly, but I'd rather get rejected thru a text than stare into blank eyes) and asked if we would ever be normal again.. "Go to He!!" was his response to me... it is continuing... this argument over... basically nothing. 
He and I got into a screaming match when he came upstairs to start all over again... the same argument. It's driving me insane. To the point where I just want to RUN... I want OUT so bad right now... I loved my marriage when it was good... We rarely argued... we always worked things out before now... but this silent treatment and treating me like I've cheated or have done something terribly wrong... well, it's getting to me bad! I'm in tears today... cried myself to sleep... I'm unsure of my life and where it's going. I'm torn apart from this. I am such a rambler/talker. I have been a most excellent wife to him... I've done everything - from hunting with him, to changing the oil in the vehicles, to cooking and cleaning and raising kids... going back to college, etc. etc... I'm trying to be the best I can... and I get smacked down. 
Is this all there is to life??? Is this my marriage!?? Like I said... I don't want to be single. I love the fact of being married... but... what do I do about this!? I can't stop the tears today...

Thank you for hearing me...


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Definitely could be a result of brain damage, I would talk with his doc.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

When we are usually dealing out advice, we are used to dealing with a person who are concerned over a rationale being. That is not the case here, until he gets back on his meds, you may not be able to get him to see the light. 

And forgive me for going there, but now you may have to concern yourself with the safety of you and your children, including his daughter. Perhaps i'm making a leap, but there seems to be an increase in his aggression towards you. Nobody should stay, this angry... this long. A husband, shouldn't tell his wife to "Go To He..!" This is not right, and its not acceptable. You might want to strongly consider, moving yourself out of this situation. I apologize if i'm reading too much into this...


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