# Newly Single @ 42



## KevinS22 (May 20, 2011)

My 2nd divorce was final on Mar 4th. Im not unhappy,I was the one who wanted it, she was an alcoholic and was mentally abusive to my kids, so I was quite necessary.
During the final hearing she wanted a deal, this included me getting sole custody of our son. This too is for the better, because, and Im not tooting my own horn, Im the better parent. 
Im happy about this, but now Im a single parent of 3 kids,,17f, 15m, and 10m, they are my life.

> I have a few hrs when they go to bed to myself. But when do I get the time to enjoy the company of other adults without feeling guilty? 

My life would be incomplete without my kids, yet I'm jealous that she gets to "party it up" and not have any big reponsibilities. 
In the long run, I won..I have my family...in the short term, I'm angry that she's acting like this. 

I am going to counseling, I have been for about a year and its helping. 
I just want to get past the grieving and start living without her since all I was really doing with her is existing. Big difference.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Kevin, congratulations on getting your life back and kudos for stepping up and giving your kids at least one decent parent. Lots of people don't have that much integrity or courage. Your eldest daughter is 17 years? Sounds like great babysitting material. Maybe one night a week she can step up and give you some adult time. You've earned it. You have nothing to feel guilty of. You have normal social needs because you were born with those needs, like everyone else. You've placed your own needs on the back burner for years while you played caretaker to an alcoholic abuser. If you want to feel guilty, feel guilty about wasting all those irreplaceable years on someone unworthy of that sacrifice. Don't let her steal another minute of your life or peace. You've lost enough. As far as your ex "partying up", she's to be pitied, not envied. Such a person gets old and dies alone. You are investing in relationships which will endure long after you're gone. Nobody on their death bed wishes they had spent more time drinking liquor or having sex with strangers. Her's is sad, lonely existence which will only get sadder and more pitiful. You're living life, really feeling while she stumbles along in a stuporous fog, not really feeling, not really caring. Imagine how miserable a mother has to feel about herself in order for her to surrender custody of children she gave birth to. She's surrendered not only her kids, but her grandkids, her great grandkids, etc. You have a future filled with love. She doesn't and probably never will.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What unbelievable said... With the two older kids there's no reason why you can't get out occasionally.

C


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

KevinS22 said:


> My 2nd divorce was final on Mar 4th. Im not unhappy,I was the one who wanted it, she was an alcoholic and was mentally abusive to my kids, so I was quite necessary.
> During the final hearing she wanted a deal, this included me getting sole custody of our son. This too is for the better, because, and Im not tooting my own horn, Im the better parent.
> Im happy about this, but now Im a single parent of 3 kids,,17f, 15m, and 10m, they are my life.
> 
> ...


Wow. Two sides of the same coin. My H was the alcoholic. I have my two kids (16 and 13) and am working to support them and working harder than I have in years. 

He doesn't even work anymore. He inherited a bunch of cash when his father died, bought himself a boat and parties (well, actually he fishes) up at Lake George. He has the life I've always wanted and dreamed of and got it after nearly destroying the family business and the lives of his family. We are still married but it's a marriage in name only. So yeah, my being angry and resentful is an understatement. 

But I feel as you do..that ONE of us has to be a good parent to these kids and right now, that's me. But it's hard because his actions have and continue to hurt and effect my kids. I feel for you. 

Your kids are around the same age as mine. The two older kids are practically adults and are probably building lives of their own and should be able to help with the 10 year old. In a few short years your 10 year old will be quite self sufficient, as my 13 year is. 

For many years of my marriage my H and I carried on "separate" live and this has helped a lot. You can go out and still have a good time despite rising your kids. There are lots of hobbies and clubs you can join that will enable you to do so. 

Live WITH your kids...not FOR them. This is important because only if you are feeling fulfilled and happy can you be a good parent to them. In a few years your kids will out and building lives of their own and you can do the same, content that you've stood by them and done the right thing, unlike their mother.


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