# My husband did more with his past girlfriends then ME (his own wife.)



## Unsatisfied.housewife (Feb 10, 2017)

I've been married to my husband for 3 years. We get along for the most part and enjoy each others time. But certain things like him never wanting to do anything "exciting" or "romantic" always botherd me!. Even when we was dating!. I always thought to myself "ok, this is an issue a lot of women have..it's no big deal." And I would put it aside & enjoy him other ways. 

However I found out about 1 yr in our marriage that he did AMAZING things for his other girlfriends, like example..picnics on the beach!!!..(something I always wanted.) and going on trips, and just simply going out of his way for them. 

Yes, I understand he married me, and loves me. But since 3 yrs I developed this complex that maybe I'm not as "pretty" or "fun" or "worth it" then his ex's. over the years it's no longer about picnics on the beach, or love letters etc..it became a self-confidence issue with myself. And I know it sounds crazy and a bit Dramatic but I No longer feel secure in the marriage like I used to. And it's getting worse. 

I tried multiple times talking to him about the situation in ways that don't make me look like I'm jealous ( because it's truly not jealousy it's more so about the point .) and he just says I'm "crazy". He does not understand that when his friends or family members slip up and tell me things that he used to do & the type of person he was with these other women that it affects me emotionally because that's the person I feel I haven't seen... it makes me feel very bad. 

And then another thing that I'm extremely bitter about is there's a lot of things that I have saved for him and only done with him and I kind of feel like he didn't save nothing for me and did everything for other women. 

What I'm basically looking for is advice, somebody that understands what I'm going through. 

Thank you god bless


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## areenhaque26 (Jan 27, 2017)

Unsatisfied.housewife said:


> I've been married to my husband for 3 years. We get along for the most part and enjoy each others time. But certain things like him never wanting to do anything "exciting" or "romantic" always botherd me!. Even when we was dating!. I always thought to myself "ok, this is an issue a lot of women have..it's no big deal." And I would put it aside & enjoy him other ways.
> 
> However I found out about 1 yr in our marriage that he did AMAZING things for his other girlfriends, like example..picnics on the beach!!!..(something I always wanted.) and going on trips, and just simply going out of his way for them.
> 
> ...


I can understand what you're going through and you have every right to feel the way you are feeling-it's only natural. The only advice I can give you is don't dwell on the past too much. What if when he was doing all that he was a completely different person- maybe he put more effort in the materialistic things in a relationship than the things that really matter. 

I can tell you from experience that I'm not romantic at all but doesn't it mean I don't love or care about my husband. I show my love in other ways- yeah it's nice when your s/o does things for you, but ask yourself this- does he worry about you if you're not feeling well, does he help you out around the house? Does he spend time with you? 

The thing is as we get older and especially after marriage, our notion of romance changes. It's no longer some Audrey Hepburn romance. So I'm going to say don't worry about what he did in the past. Also if he's not doing those things, then you do it. There's no rule that a wife can't do romantic things for their husbands. My mom always says that God makes man and woman in pairs because what one lacks the other fulfills. So if you're husband is not romantic, then you fill in that void. I'm sure he'll reciprocate sooner or later. 

Best of luck 😁

Areen


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Your issue is kind of the mirror image of one that's been discussed here before: a man finds out that his wife was far more sexually adventurous - even kinky - with past lovers and boy friends than she is with him, and he feels hurt by that. The usual response from women is that her sexual preferences can change, and that she should not be expected to do things for him just because she once did them with someone else. That he married her without having or expecting those things, so can't really expect them now. I agree, while understanding how a man would feel when denied things he'd love to try with his wife.

Is this different? Your post almost seems "designed" to trigger the converse scenario and see where the arguments go - okay, that's still valid and interesting. I think that there is no substantive difference in the two situations, while also thinking that it would be wonderful if he could satisfy your desires and do for you what he did for other women in the past. He may feel that grand romantic gestures are something he's explored and no longer enjoys. That's his prerogative, of course at the possible expense of diminishing the relationship. Again, a similar consequence that occurs in the mirror scenario.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have some questions for you to help me respond more fully.

How many hours a week do you and your husband spend in quality time together, just the two of you? What sort of activities do you two do together during your quality time.

How is your sex life? Are both of you getting all the good sex that you both want? Or is one or both of you feeling shorted in the sex department?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He is caught between a rock and a hard place here.If he does these spontaneous things now his you will assume he is doing them because you guilted him into it,if he doesn't do them you will assume he doesn't care about you as much as his previous girlfriends.In my opinion his attitude is been there,done that.
You say there are things you have saved for him and I can only assume you mean sexual behaviour.Well every man with any sexual history will have done things with girls that he didn't really give a damn about, but would have too much respect for his wife to ask her to accept.However there is nothing to stop you instigating whatever sexual shenanigans you want to and for that matter if you plan a few surprises for him he will soon follow suit.
I really think you are overthinking this and a bit of outside the box thinking would soon solve your problem.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> Your issue is kind of the mirror image of one that's been discussed here before: a man finds out that his wife was far more sexually adventurous - even kinky - with past lovers and boy friends than she is with him, and he feels hurt by that. The usual response from women is that her sexual preferences can change, and that she should not be expected to do things for him just because she once did them with someone else. That he married her without having or expecting those things, so can't really expect them now. I agree, while understanding how a man would feel when denied things he'd love to try with his wife.
> 
> Is this different? Your post almost seems "designed" to trigger the converse scenario and see where the arguments go - okay, that's still valid and interesting. I think that there is no substantive difference in the two situations, while also thinking that it would be wonderful if he could satisfy your desires and do for you what he did for other women in the past. He may feel that grand romantic gestures are something he's explored and no longer enjoys. That's his prerogative, of course at the possible expense of diminishing the relationship. Again, a similar consequence that occurs in the mirror scenario.


This is why I always balk when people say you should judge people because of their past. Look if my wife took trips all over the world, and hated Paris, I understand, but then I never get to go to Paris. Plus she never went to Paris with me! Same holds true here, problem is, it's too late once you marry.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP, I see a few things:

People do change, and so if he never was very romantic with you he hasn't really deceived you. That said though, I completely understand how bad it must feel for him to have done all these romantic things for other women and not for you. If he cares about you, I believe he should make the effort.

I don't blame him for not "saving" things for you. I would never feel a reason to hold back in a relationship - if I care about someone I'm going to do whatever I can think of for them, not save it for some future possibly "better" relationship.


Do you think there is anything he wants from you that he is not getting? (whether or not what he wants is reasonable). 

Is it traditional romance that is missing or are either of you unhappy with your sex life?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

sokillme said:


> This is why I always balk when people say you should judge people because of their past. Look if my wife took trips all over the world, and hated Paris, I understand, but then I never get to go to Paris. Plus she never went to Paris with me! Same holds true here, problem is, it's too late once you marry.


But what if she went to Paris with a previous guy, loved it but never wants to go there with you even though you've always dreamed of going there?

Or

What if she went to Paris with a previous guy, thought it was meh and won't go to Paris with you even though you've always dreamed of going there?

If the went to Paris with a previous guy, hated every minute of it and doesn't want to go to Paris with you even though you've always dreamed about going there, I'd understand. However, if the situations were reversed and it was very important to her, I'd go.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

OP, perhaps the focus should be on him not meeting your relational/emotional needs as opposed to him doing stuff with past partners that he doesn't do with you. 

I think if you present it to your husband in that way, it would be less offensive to him. The book His Needs Her Needs would be helpful to communicate that to him. You can utilize the Needs Questionnaire in there to illustrate your needs to him, and his Questionnaire could probably shed some light on his assumptions of one expresses love for their partner. The text could validate your needs to him and help him see it from a different perspective - you being dissatisfied that your needs are not being met as opposed to you being jealous and creating drama about his past.

I think this really boils down to a communication issue.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> But what if she went to Paris with a previous guy, loved it but never wants to go there with you even though you've always dreamed of going there?
> 
> Or
> 
> ...


I guess at that point the answer is she doesn't like your company. >


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Unsatisfied.housewife said:


> However I found out about 1 yr in our marriage that he did AMAZING things for his other girlfriends, like example..picnics on the beach!!!..(something I always wanted.) and going on trips, and just simply going out of his way for them.


I, too, had accepted that my future wife was not a romantic person. However, since my previous girlfriends had all been romantic, I thought that her inexperience at dating was the reason and that she would become more like that after our relationship progressed. Soon before we were to marry, I discovered that she had cheated on me early in our relationship and that she had expressed romantic words very easily to other men before me. I postponed the wedding (because of the cheating), but then when she answered questions and showed complete transparency, I married her because I was in love. 

A few years later into the marriage, she has been very stable, transparent, and is affectionate with a goodbye kiss everyday, daily holding hands, hugs, and wanting to spend time with me. I am also nice and caring to her, but not a day goes by that I don't think about her messages to other men and how she obviously must have settled for me. I am a natural romantic person, but I no longer express any romantic words to her.

Therefore, like you, I have a spouse who treats me nice, but not in a marriage that I had always imagined.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I think both partners in a marriage need to work on meeting each others needs. If you express a need of picnics at the beach, out of the blue surprises, etc, then your husband should do his best to give you HIS best.

No different in sex, both partners should give their BEST to their spouse. Because if one spouse is giving their best, and the other could care less, the one giving is going to start feeling "Why am I wasting my time & energy on someone that doesn't value me enough to give their best?"


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How about once every 2 weeks or so you have a date night, and each time a different one selects where to go and what to do. Every 3-4 months or so have a weekend away together and take it in turns to chose were go.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Couple's counselling, perhaps? Could that help?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You bought him just as he was - a non-romantic guy. Now, you want him to do for you what he did for others. Maybe the reason he proposed to you was because he realized he didn't have to be someone he wasn't when with you.

You want romance? Plan it. Get the ball rolling and he may get on board. Let him know that the dismissal of your feelings won't get him what he wants out of this marriage. Love and intimacy have to be nurtured.

You're starting to build a big case of resentment which will doom your marriage. Stop comparing yourself to the way he treated women he didn't marry. Teach him how to treat you the way you want to be treated. You want to feel special and proud to say you're his Mrs. Make him proud to say he's your Mr.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Before you found out about his efforts with previous GFs, what kind of romantic gestures did you want from him? How has that changed since you discovered about his efforts with his exes?

The easy answer is: ask him for exactly what you want from him based on what YOU actually want, not based on what you heard he did for others. 

If he can't or won't, he may not be the man you should be spending your life with.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Before you found out about his efforts with previous GFs, what kind of romantic gestures did you want from him? How has that changed since you discovered about his efforts with his exes?
> 
> The easy answer is: ask him for exactly what you want from him based on what YOU actually want, not based on what you heard he did for others.
> 
> If he can't or won't, he may not be the man you should be spending your life with.


Since this appears to be a thread to spur discussion as opposed to a serious issue by a "real" poster... I'm jumping in. 

To play the devil's advocate - If you were content with the efforts your spouse provided to you, and you must have been since you married him, then why isn't that good enough now despite the new info coming into the situation. 

Maybe after trying the picnic on the beach, he discovered that he does not like eating on sand covered by a blanket. Maybe sand got everywhere and he vowed never again will he subject himself to such a miserable act. It's unfair to try to guilt him into doing something that he may no longer feel comfortable doing today - even if he LOVED picnics on the beach in his past.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Since this appears to be a thread to spur discussion as opposed to a serious issue by a "real" poster... I'm jumping in.
> 
> To play the devil's advocate - If you were content with the efforts your spouse provided to you, and you must have been since you married him, then why isn't that good enough now despite the new info coming into the situation.
> 
> Maybe after trying the picnic on the beach, he discovered that he does not like eating on sand covered by a blanket. Maybe sand got everywhere and he vowed never again will he subject himself to such a miserable act. It's unfair to try to guilt him into doing something that he may no longer feel comfortable doing today - even if he LOVED picnics on the beach in his past.



Agree, I was pretty sure this thread, being a gender reversal of the clueless husband finding his wife's episode in Girls Gone Wild, was nothing more than a set up.


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