# Wife want's to be friends after 17 yrs of marriage.



## livnlif (Jun 26, 2015)

We are both religious people and after 17 years of marriage she told me last night that is is over and she only wants to be friends because we have two boys 13 and 11. She is taking nursing and I know is stressed. She has told me I don't get her and don't understand her and I can agree on most of those she mentions. She is an INFJ and I am a totally opposite personality type. For instance last night we went running and as we were going she apparently wanted me a 100' back or more to give her space. I found this out later in the night. She is on a higher level and I am which means that she wants intellectual conversation and I can't seem to do it. She also says I'm smothering her with texts and emails and wants me to be a man. I have a really good IT job and have been there for almost 19 yrs now. She indicates that I will never get her and this just won't work anymore. Has this happened to anyone here? I need some advice on how to have these "intellectual" conversations and how to mend a heart that is not willing to love a person lower than she is. One other thing is that she has been calling out to god for help and apparently she has now found her soul mate. She has known about this for 8 months now and I have only know 2 months. There is nothing physical going on but she says they are connected on a soul level. Is this repairable?


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Yes it is repairable but depending on a lot of factors it will take hard work on your part and may be very difficult. Your wife doesn't feel she has had emotional intimacy with you and when she found a man who she could have emotional intimacy with she jumped for joy after so many years. You will need to focus on building up your masculine side (she seems to want that so much) by emphasizing your own man-ness and emphasizing her femininity. If you want to become more intellectual start watching news regularly, read international news, read books and google things you don't know about or understand. In a short time you will have a lot more to say. Focus on topics that your wife doesn't know well so you can seem smarter than her in those areas. What has she tried to talk to you about "intellectually" that she felt you weren't able to do with her? 

The most important part is the emotional intimacy. Read up on that and try to build that connection with your wife. You don't have to be compatible or on the same intellectual level in order to have an emotional connection with your wife. Everyone wants emotional intimacy, we all crave it and this is the factor that drives people to cheat, not sex. If you offer your wife that, she will want it in time (in a couple months if you are good). You still know her better than this OM and use that info to build a stronger connection to her than he can ever make. If she is offered emotional intimacy from both of you, she will pick you because of your history and children together. Don't despair, you can outmatch this "soul mate" (her code for "he built emotional intimacy with me and I have none with my husband")

Read read read. Every library offers tons of books on these subjects.


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## Somanylemons (May 2, 2015)

I think you need to look into doing 'a 180' on your wife. Other posters on this forum know much more about this then I do and I'm sure they will be along in a minute to help you out. 

I mean this in the kindest possible way but you need to grow a spine because your wife is talking nonsense and is walking all over you. 

You say you and your wife are religious, but your wife appears not to be behaving in a religious way to me. I doubt God would tell your wife to treat her husband like rubbish and form a romantic attachment to another man instead. I think you need to call her out on that BS.

You are not a telepath. Your wife cannot expect you to magically understand what she is thinking unless she communicates with you. However you say she complains when you text her or email her. She is putting you in an impossible situation. If she wanted more space when she was running then she should have told you. 

Stop saying that your wife is on a 'higher level' then you. You are not lower then she is, you are a good man, a good father and a good provider for your family. You deserve respect. 

Stop making out that the fault here is all yours. It takes two people to make a marriage work, she has played her part in its failure too. 

If she doesn't want to make it work you need to accept this and move on emotionally. Get yourself a lawyer and sort out a divorce settlement. You can't stay in a marriage with a women who doesn't respect you because it will rot you from the inside out.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So basically she is cheating, having an emotional affair......like some stated pull the 180. The steps are on this site....time to man up and fast....and I would call her out as a cheater.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Totally agree with calling her out. She's already calling him a soulmate and may be delusional about that not qualifying as cheating. It is cheating and will quickly become physical whether she intended it to or not. Calling her a cheater now may wake her up a little if religion is so important to her. Remind her that most physical affairs start as a way to fill an emotional intimacy void and not because two people are horny and can't control themselves.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You don't have to be married to her to be only a friend. Time for the 180 and filing, and see where it goes.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I didn't even need to read to the bottom to know she is cheating on you.

God has nothing to do with it.

Your wife is a run of the mill skank that started a career in a field that has a very high infidelity rate and is succumbing to temptation just like many scumbags before her.

You can't nice her out of this.

Find out who is cheating with your wife and expose.

Do the 180 and file for divorce.

She views you as pathetic right now.

She has already told you as much.

Disconnect from her and start doing things by yourself.

Do NOT be her friend.

Go cold and dark on her while exposing to her family.

Show her what life is going to be like without you in it and with your family torn apart.

Her lust is destroying her family, not God.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

It has more than likely gone physical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

180 and google Corey Wayne 7 principles to get your ex back. A good video and several other videos he has about getting ex back or reconnecting, recreating attraction, etc.

Constant texting is a huge turn off for a lot of women. I would not call her out on anything yet. If you start acting jealous it is only going to turn her off even more, and push her to him. She senses weakness in you-- at a subconscious level-- and that is unattractive to women; it has nothing to do with your personality types or her 'level'.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I don't buy several things about this.

1. she wants 'intellectual' and thinks you're beneath her??? you are IT and she is studying nursing. sorry, this seems to be about the same level.
don't buy it. not like she's a rocket scientist and you're a garbage collector.

2. she's implying texting is not 'manly'? WTF????? a man needs to court his wife. period. from beginning till death do you part. rubbish!

3. she's crying out to 'god'. well, i don't know which 'god' she's crying out to. all i know is the 'God' of the bible HATES divorce and I'm sure emotional affairs too.
she's found her 'soulmate'? rubbish.

me thinks she's thinking downstairs. not with her head. not with her soul.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

#2-- constant texting from a guy can be a huge turn off. Some women love it but MANY see it as needy behavior. And, it IS needy behavior most of the time.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Expose her to everyone and the OM as well. I mean everyone, family, kids, friends, church. Let everyone know what kind of person she is. You would be amazed at just how often that kills the affair. I would still file for divorce. She clearly crossed the line. if 17 of marriage means so little to her then she needs to go. 

Clay


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

180 and file for divorce. She has checked out and has latched onto a new man. Let her go.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

and NO you dont want to be her friend!!!! why would you still want to be her friend when she treats you this way and sorry she has cheated on you! the old saying with friends like her who needs enemies...

and what kind of example would you be showing your kids? kids will most likley grow up to be like one of their parents. do you want them to be like her a cheater or like you rolling over and accepting it?

put your foot down divorce her and make it clear you are not her friend and will never be and will only talk to her about the kids.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Is she cheating? Probably. But either way, she's got it in her head that you're not worth her romantic time and she's telling you point blank. You only get one life man so don't waste it compromising for someone who doesn't want to be with you. If she thinks so much of herself then let her go. Better yet make her go because she doesn't treat you with respect no matter what the reasons are. It's a huge mistake to cling to someone who's sees you as lessor than them. After a while you can start to believe the rubbish they repeat and think you're lucky to be treated like crap because at least they still there to do it.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

You created another thread with this same subject; perhaps delete one of them?

Do you know who the OM is? I hate to be the bearer of bad news but if she's saying this other guy is her soul mate then where there's smoke there's going to be fire.

Get a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) in her car. "Weightlifter" I believe has threads up on how to do this.

Check her texting records, you may be amazed at what you find. If the OM is married let his wife know. 

You also need to see a good divorce lawyer ASAP before she drops the hammer on you. Also, do not move out of the house on any circumstance.

Lastly, once you get the evidence play hardball. Remember this, being nice only gets you taken advantage of. Your wife needs to understand if she leaves you for the OM you and her will not be "friends"


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Iver said:


> Lastly, once you get the evidence play hardball. Remember this, being nice only gets you taken advantage of. Your wife needs to understand if she leaves you for the OM you and her will not be "friends"


Iver is right but It's a lot worse than that just being taken advantage of. Being nice get you pity and disgust. Women don't want the guys they pity or the guys willing to tolerate what they know is intolerable.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You basically got the ILYBNILWY speech, and she has already found her "soul mate".

She is having a PA and you need to accept it and file for D and move on.

OH those nurses....


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She is cheating on you, definitely an EA if not a PA. What she is telling you is just a smokescreen and a way of justifying to herself what she is doing.
Investigate and see what she is actually up to - you will find ideas on TAM with Vars, checking their pc, etc

Do the 180 on her for yourself - go dark on her. Start doing things for yourself, go to the gym, take up new hobbies, start to find yourself and stop living for her (sounds like you were too available for her).

Based on what you find, the decide what to do.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Religious? What did your pastor say when you told him? Her parents? Her friends? Her women's bible study group?

Probably nothing because you have not told them yet. 

Blow this affair up.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

oh nursing! Where a good number of psychos and cheaters excel 

File for divorce immediately. You'll be very glad you did.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Divorce. No separation.


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