# Overcoming Separation & Letting Spouse Re-Find Herself



## CraigD84 (May 11, 2018)

I really don’t know where to begin. Me and my wife have been separated (but still living together) for 4 months now. Our 1 year Wedding Anniversary is on Saturday. She’s moving out in mid June. The situation that ultimately led to us falling apart was the sudden death of her father in September. She pushed me away, shut me out as well as everyone else. We still love each other but she’s a changed young woman (she’s 22, I’m 33) She was best friends with her Dad. Daddy’s little girl. She said she has to find herself and be able to take care of herself before we can even try to repair our marriage. She’s still grieving and trying to do it on her own and won’t let anyone help. Our relationship/marriage wasn’t the healthiest as I did everything financially, took care of our dog, everyday chores and tasks, etc...about a 80/20 split. It was never a problem to me because we were happy. She was happy. I now know that it needs to be closer to a 50/50 split to really work. I hope I’m making sense. I feel lost, hurt, and frustrated. With her moving out and a true separation looming I just don’t know what to do. Divorce hasn’t crossed my mind as I believe we can work through this long term. She hopes we can too but she’s so heartbroken, depressed and lost that I don’t know what the future holds for her or us. It’s been a long, grueling 8 months now since her father passed for both of us emotionally and mentally (especially her with the grieving and such a huge loss in her life at a young age) I don’t know how or when she will recover and find herself again as a woman let alone a wife. She’s still the woman of my dreams. I’d do anything to repair our marriage and I just want her, myself and US to be us and happy again. I don’t know what to do and not do. How much time to give her and how to pursue us getting back to where we were and even better long term. I’ve never felt so alone and helpless. I can’t help but to blame myself. It’s such a fine line when your spouse goes through such a loss. I tried to be there and to not add any stress to her life. Tried to not upset her and do what I could do I wouldn’t make what she went through and is still experiencing even tougher for her. Obviously it didn’t work. There’s resentment on her end and mine but I know we can get past that. I just don’t know how. I hate this. I don’t want her to move out but I understand that maybe a true separation could help? Maybe rekindle what we had by not seeing each other everyday. Seeing how much we miss each other but I also know she has to be ready and able to want us to work out. To put in the effort on her end or whatever I do just won’t matter or be enough right? It’s constantly on my mind. I miss her and how happy we were. How happy she was. How happy I was. How do we get all of that back? What do I do and not do going forward?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Check your phone bill. Usually this stuff is about cheating or at least the beginning of it. She is also very young, maybe too immature to be married.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I have never seen a separation work except to allow the spouse that wants it too sleep around. 

File for divorce and have her served. 

My wife’s father died while we were dating in HS. She leaned on me for comfort and support. It brought us closer together.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I think this is less to do with her father dying and more to do with her age and realization that this is her life and she is frightened of the future.There may even be a little “bait and switch” involved here.
Do not be surprised,as other posters have surmised that there is someone else on her radar.If there isn’t there soon will be.
You are coming across as very weak here,she needs someone strong.Look up the 180.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Like some of my other TAM cohorts, I'm greatly thinking that she's using "Daddy's demise" as some kind of a smokescreen for the possible commission of some covert, socially-illicit activity with someone else.

"180 her!" Then investigate your/her phone records and social media. Please rest assured that none of this is really your fault!

Get with a good family lawyer ASAP to receive some worthwhile legal advice!

Best of luck to you, my friend!*


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Honestly OP, I think you've dodged a bullet. Your wife's excuse of the loss of her father as the reason for the separation is completely ridiculous and utter BS. What a disgraceful way to "honour" his memory.

My dad's father died when dad was only 24. Dad was married with two kids. Lucky for mum he didn't "need to find himself and be whole again" hey?

My own darling dad died coming up 6 years ago...I turned to my husband (then boyfriend). If anything I became super clingy...that phase didn't last long but bless his heart he was very understanding and patient with me.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

As everyone has said...

Odds are she is seeing someone else, if you care, do some checking. And she sounds way to immature to be married. 

But overall, she is blowing smoke up your but. 

But even if she is not having an affair, which she probably is, you have handled this really badly. 

A man does not wait around and do the cleaning until his WIFE decides to divorce him.

Yes you could be there to comfort her, if she wanted that. And I will say this, I have never, ever, ever seen a woman that was in love with a man, not come to him for comfort and to cry on his sholder.

That particular anecdotal research is from a fairly large sample size, and to a woman, if something bad happened, they wanted me to comfort them and be there for them, always. 

You really need to wake up about what is happening. And look, you don't have kids, you are fairly young, just divorce her already. 

Don't wait around like a puppy dog hoping against hope for a bone... Just get it over with...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

11 years is a big difference at this age..... you're in much different places in life. She's barely lived at all.

Whet exactly do you have in common?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are greatly misinterpreting what your wife says and what she does, what you WANT to be true and reality, what the future holds and what it doesn’t.

Your wife wants to be rid of you. Don’t think for one second that being separated from you is going to bring you closer together. It won’t. Once a woman’s love for a man is lost, it’s never coming back. Regardless of the reason. 

If she has used the phrase “separate to find myself”, you need to know that that statement is a CLASSIC phrase that cheating wives who want a security blanket (husband to take Care of them if their AP runs off) use to get free to cheat.

You need to file for divorce and move on. You married a child. You should have known better. Deal with the consequences and move forward. She is not the only womAn you can love.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

My first thought is she is cheating. Hopefully I'm wrong, but either way separating most likely means a divorce is in your future. On the bright side, you don't have much invested with her yet.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> 11 years is a big difference at this age..... you're in much different places in life. She's barely lived at all.


This was my first thought... 

You will never get back the same happiness even if you can reclaim commitment, there is a lot of growing that happens and it is challenging at the same age at the same time.

"Finding oneself" is always an incredibly vague way of saying "I don't know what I want in life, but I know what I don't want".

Being married is clearly what she doesn't want.

Divorce does not necessarily mean the end of your relationship, especially where you are in life with no children or hopefully without too deep a debt, but it does protect you in many ways should she chose poorly in the future.

Focus on you, do the things that bring happiness to yourself, she isn't the root of that and she can't make you happy or unhappy... that is all you.

If you spend time together, enjoy it, appreciate it, be don't put all your life into it because you may not be investing wisely. I will say if she dates others while you are apart you will be her plan B, so be thankful for the happiness you did have, remember it for what it was, and move on knowing you know how to be there and committed for someone so when the next love enters your life you will be strong in those values.

I think if you step back you will realize she was not the one... I believe she has already showed her realization by her actions.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This is a huge mismatch........you are displaying weakness which will bring you nothing good. Too much of an age gap among many other problems.


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

I feel like she not ready yet to settle down and has now realized this.I mean I am turning 24 in couple months and I feel like I am not even ready for marriage yet lol I mean everyone is different but the death of her father should have b brought you guys closer together


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