# Guidelines on Masturbation



## SunnyDaze (Oct 24, 2014)

Do you think married couples should have an understanding about how much is too much and/or when masturbation is ok? My husband and I have an active; I think very good sex life - usually averaging about 5x a week. We are trying to be open about everything, and when I find out that he has masturbated I feel almost like he was unfaithful and I'm turned off. Men...is this is normal to masturbate even when sex life is good? Women....anyone else feel like this?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Difficult for an average individual to declare what is and isn't "normal"* for an entire gender, but speaking from personal experience...even during the days of daily (or more) wild monkey sex with my wife (or any other partner), I also indulged in masturbation if I felt like it. The key being that there was open communication, with the understanding that it was not a commentary on them nor the quality/quantity of our sex life. It was (and is) something that I enjoy (as do my partners, generally speaking).

As long as it's not at the exclusion of a sex life with one's partner, I see no issue.

*(Then there's a movie quote that I quite like for such terms: "'Normal' is what everyone else is and you are not.")
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

i can only speak for myself. sometimes sitting down and watching the porn i want and doing what i want and how i want to get off is a needed change of pace for a high drive person. i masturbated this way for 14 years before i married my wife, i am not about to quit cold turkey just because we are now married and having sex a lot. thing is, i ALWAYS answer the call of duty when she wants it and i also initiate often.

question is, is he not fulfilling your sexual needs but masturbating on his own? if he is, then you should be a bit miffed. otherwise, you should be happy he isn't seeking pleasure with other people. it is normal for a person to want to masturbate even when in an active sexual relationship.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

SunnyDaze said:


> Men...is this is normal to masturbate even when sex life is good?


Yes. Even with sex at 7 to 10x a week, or back when it was even more, it was and is normal. Don't worry about it unless he's neglecting you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Now that I'm single again, I usually have to fly solo when the need arises. But when married, I only went solo when I was either away from home from her, or she was away from home from me, for any inordinate amount of time!

Generally, we had a pretty damn good sexual relationship with each other. But when things were starting to wane, relationshipwise with us, then I had no other viable option other than to take care of myself by, once again, going solo and leaving things to fantasyland. And while all this time, I thought that it was perhaps a remote possibility that she might be going through some semblance of menopause, little did I know that she was getting the bulk of her carnal needs met at the time by having her ashes hauled by her, then unknown-to-me, BF's on her many "business" road trips to both Central and South Texas. And while we almost always had sex only right after she had returned home from these trips, I now greatly fear that she was doing it out of total disrespect for me, as she, no doubt, had had relations with either of those guys just mere hours before returning home, almost immediately jumping my bones when she crossed the threshold, and always demanded oral!

It now literally makes me sick to my stomach to think about it!*


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## SunnyDaze (Oct 24, 2014)

Thank you for the input. He completely satisfies me and has never turned me down. I guess I need to look at myself as to why it makes me jealous. Jealous of a hand??? I'm sure its insecurity....I feel he does it because I'm not enough for him...but I have no rational reason for thinking this. He says he is 100% happy and only does it when he thinks there is no way we will do it later that evening. Would it be too much to ask if he could "ask"? Not ask permission per se but ask if maybe I want him to save it for me or if I know I'll be too tired, home late, kids etc etc...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Masturbation is a normal, healthy thing to do. I have no issue with my partner doing whatever he wants with his own body. So to answer your question if other women feel the way you do, then my answer is no I don't.

If I were being neglected due to his DIY then yes that would be a problem.


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## NoIinThreesome (Nov 6, 2007)

SunnyDaze said:


> Would it be too much to ask if he could "ask"? Not ask permission per se but ask if maybe I want him to save it for me or if I know I'll be too tired, home late, kids etc etc...


If he's not neglecting you, then there's nothing to ask him to save.

Masturbation is a combination of physical hygiene and mental health. I would no more ask my SO for permission to masturbate than I would ask permission to shower or read a book.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Sounds more like a control issue than anything else.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SunnyDaze said:


> Do you think married couples should have an understanding about how much is too much and/or when masturbation is ok?
> 
> ...when I find out that he has masturbated I feel almost like he was unfaithful and I'm turned off.....



The issue I see is that you feel his masturbation is something negative and possibly reflects badly on you.

First, let's discuss how much masturbation is enough? Everyone is different, and that can change day be day, season by season.

As Dr. David Schnarch likes to point out in his book, there is an HD and SD aspect to just about everything in marriage. One partner may be HD for chocolate ice cream. The other may prefer vanillia. There is not a correct amount of chocolte ice cream in a marriage. 

Similarly, one partner may be HD for watching football on the TV on Sunday. The other partner my never want to watch football and would prefer to watch soap operas. The HD Sunday football fan may not care about watching sport channel re-runs of past football games during the spring and early summer months. That means that the HD partner in this case may have "needs" that change from season to season.

Schnarch then goes on to say that sex is the same within a marriage, there is no correct amount of sex. What is appropriate for one couple may result in divorce for another couple. What may be the appropriate amount both want in their 20's may be impossible in their 80's.

The point of this is that you might want to think about the fact that your Husband is HD in regards to masturbation and you are LD about his maturbating. Is there a right amount that he should masturbate? No, it probably changes over time and besides there is not a "right" answer.

So the real issue for you and your marriage is why does it make you feel like he has cheated on you? Or does it make you feel threatened like he might prefer that more than PIV intercourse?

My suggestion is that you talk about this with your H. Tell him that you want to be a bigger part of his sex life because you love him so much. Tell him that you know he is a sexual being and you love that about him. Tell him that you would like to be part of his masturbation so that it is something that brings the two of your closer together. Ask him if you could hold him in your arms or touch his shoulder when he masturbates so you can look at his face when he climaxes or if you can be allowed to participate in some other way. Again, your goal is not to change how much he masturbates, but to have it become something that the two of you enjoy together. 

He might have feelings of shame associated with masturbation and not want you to participate. If so, I suggest that you tell him how much you love him just the way he is and that you can respect that, but as his wife there is no secret or shameful action on his part that would cause you to judge him less.

Good luck. Be careful for what you ask for and want.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Sounds more like a control issue than anything else.


Seriously....do you want to be married to the type of man who asks his wife for permission to do everything? Or do you want a take charge type of man that takes care of business when it needs to be done?


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## SunnyDaze (Oct 24, 2014)

Young at Heart - thank you for your very insightful and eloquent reply. I do not think he is ashamed...I have watched him before - it turns him on. And maybe that is part of my quandary, I DO like to watch and feel left out he didn't ask. But YES YES YES I DO have control issues. I ADMIT IT. I'm a control freak and I want him to want me NOT his hand. I really do appreciate the responses here. Its NORMAL and it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with me. I have to figure out how to redirect my thoughts and feelings on this issue.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I don't see the problem so long as he isn't replacing you with masturbation. 

If you're still having a fulfilling sex life, why does it bother you so much? Does he turn you down?


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

SunnyDaze said:


> Young at Heart - thank you for your very insightful and eloquent reply. I do not think he is ashamed...I have watched him before - it turns him on. And maybe that is part of my quandary, I DO like to watch and feel left out he didn't ask. But YES YES YES I DO have control issues. I ADMIT IT. I'm a control freak and I want him to want me NOT his hand. I really do appreciate the responses here. Its NORMAL and it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with me. I have to figure out how to redirect my thoughts and feelings on this issue.


it is mature and introspective to acknowledge you are "a control freak". you know that, now you have to control it and while not letting it ruin things for you.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Guidelines on masturbation:

1. Grab genitals
2. Rub vigorously

Repeat as necessary. Excessive application will become obvious through abraded skin.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

In my experience the more sex I'm having the more I want. 

So in your case your husband having a healthy sex life with you has probably just got his sexual engine firing on all cylinders.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> In my experience the more sex I'm having the more I want.
> 
> So in your case your husband having a healthy sex life with you has probably just got his sexual engine firing on all cylinders.


Yep me too


Op in answer to your question the only guideline for a marriage in regards to mastrbation is that it shouldn't affect the love making in the realtionship. The number varies from person to person, man to woman. If I was so aroused in the morning and took care of myself then great. If the GF and I wanted to that afternoon or evening then great to that as well.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening sunny Daze
I think that masturbation, sex toys and porn are fine if (and only if) they do not interfere with a couples sex life. If he turns you down for sex and then masturbates, that is a problem. If he is generally available for sex when you want it, then I don't see any problem at all.


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## SunnyDaze (Oct 24, 2014)

He has never turned me down so I guess its not a really problem except for in my head. I do watch him sometimes and I think part of my issue was I didn't at least get the offer to watch. I really like watching when I'm not home (Skype)...or at least getting a photo of the immediate aftermath 

As I was talking to him about it yesterday I realized how incredibly asinine I sounded....I wanted to understand "WHY" he did it....REALLY? Because he was HORNY and he didn't know if we would get the chance to do it later. He was frustrated with me for grilling him for sure. I know I have to get over this control issue and stop making it more complicated than it is. Luckily he is an amazing man and is patient with me.

And the idea that he did it because he is firing all his sexual cylinders?? I LIKE THAT! That frame of mind is just what I need I think. 

I appreciate all the responses!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

We don't talk about it, but she wouldn't mind as that means I'm leaving her alone. Doesn't interfere with our sex life because we don't have a sex life. She'd rather do anything else than have sex, so I see no problem taking care of myself in the shower (although I only do it when she's not home).


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

SunnyDaze said:


> Do you think married couples should have an understanding about how much is too much and/or when masturbation is ok?


Only if it deprives one or the other or both of you. 




SunnyDaze said:


> My husband and I have an active; I think very good sex life - usually averaging about 5x a week. We are trying to be open about everything, and when I find out that he has masturbated I feel almost like he was unfaithful and I'm turned off.


Why?





SunnyDaze said:


> Men...is this is normal to masturbate even when sex life is good? Women....anyone else feel like this?


Yes. For many men (Myself included) it enables us to last longer when we are with our wives.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

I could be having sex as little as one time a week and not want to jerk off, I just don’t get the appeal. Sex is about a connection between two people and not just about getting off. That is just me, I know I am not the normal guy but I just don't get the appeal of being alone and getting off.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Maybe you two could do it together from time to time or watch each other.

Let him know you would rather be involved than not.

It could bring you closer together.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> We don't talk about it, but she wouldn't mind as that means I'm leaving her alone. Doesn't interfere with our sex life because we don't have a sex life. She'd rather do anything else than have sex, so I see no problem taking care of myself in the shower (although I only do it when she's not home).


seems to me you should be more in her face with your sexuality. if you sleep in the same bed as her, do it while she lies next to you. your sexual needs should not be hidden from her.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> I could be having sex as little as one time a week and not want to jerk off, I just don’t get the appeal. Sex is about a connection between two people and not just about getting off. That is just me, I know I am not the normal guy but I just don't get the appeal of being alone and getting off.


That's why we have two separate words for sex and masturbation.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

There are guidelines? I just kinda rubbed it where it felt good.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> I could be having sex as little as one time a week and not want to jerk off, I just don’t get the appeal. Sex is about a connection between two people and not just about getting off. That is just me, I know I am not the normal guy but I just don't get the appeal of being alone and getting off.


Are you sure you're doing it right?

Might want to read Cletus' guidelines.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I just wanted to chime in and say I love the title to this thread and wish there were some guidelines. I will always remember when my youngest asked me how old she had to be to masturbate. I hugged her and told her as soon as you can safely be alone in your room. And then she went into her room and shut the door!

Back on topic...

Masturbation is self love and there's nothing wrong with it. So long as it doesn't interfere with couples sex, do it till your heart's content. Just clean up afterwards and get those kleenexes into the trash can, okay men?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Masturbation is self love and there's nothing wrong with it. So long as it doesn't interfere with couples sex, do it till your heart's content. Just clean up afterwards and get those kleenexes into the trash can, okay men?


Kleenex? Amateur.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Unfortunately for a significant number of married men, masturbation is the only 'sex' they get.


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## koukisdad (Feb 6, 2015)

you love your husband ?

Please him even when you are not aroused.
there is nothing in the world more sensual to a man than feeling loved even if he is selfish .

If the action is not lowering your intimacy encounters ; if you don't want to use victorias creams ; that's fine ;but don't be that women ...
Don't make him feel guilty ...


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

There's yet another way to consider this OP. Consideration for you with recognition that he has a higher drive than you. If he is a higher drive than you, he may recognize that you already give him a good sex life, but he wants even more, and thinks maybe that's a bit too much to ask of you. But he still wants the release.

There is a balance in a relationship that needs to be paid attention to with regards to sex. I am one that has some issues where this is concerned, but at least from a logical standpoint understand just about everyone's perspective, from the anti-porners, to the religious objectors, to the no limits folks. 

In my marriage, the vast majority of the sexual energy comes from me. To know that my wife is masturbating when she so very rarely seeks out intimacy with me hurts. It has caused many fights before. However, the key is the second part: that I don't feel that I'm wanted in the first place. If she could even come close to keeping up with my desire, then I don't think I'd have much of a problem with her masturbating. 

Have you said the things you have on here to him? That you'd like for him to offer to have you watch? He might very well accommodate you.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SunnyDaze said:


> I'm sure its insecurity....I feel he does it because I'm not enough for him...but I have no rational reason for thinking this. He says he is 100% happy and only does it when he thinks there is no way we will do it later that evening. Would it be too much to ask if he could "ask"? Not ask permission per se but ask if maybe I want him to save it for me or if I know I'll be too tired, home late, kids etc etc...


Look, sex and masturbation are two entirely different things. They are related, yes, but they are apples and oranges.

I've said this before on other threads, but the two are not at all the same thing. One is intimate and shared, the other is 2 minutes by ones self to scratch an itch, more or less.

As long as one doesn't affect the other, it's perfectly fine.

That said, the jealousy factor is also normal. Of course it'll make you think you're not enough for your partner when you catch them in the act. But you have to remember that it's not the same thing and get over it. Sometimes a solo effort is exactly what one wants, and nothing more.

There have been times when I've caught my wife (or heard her, or seen evidence) and my first inclination is towards a bit of jealousy. "That could be me!" Then I immediately go from that, to "good for her!". Now, if it's been a while, or I'm a little sexually frustrated, it's more difficult to go from (a) to (b), but I get there in the end. I just have to remind myself that it's not the same thing, and that it's okay and normal to only want to focus on ones own self every now and again.

In OP's case, there's regular sex, several times a week. I actually think it's probably MORE normal to want to focus on ones self. Although sex with a partner is great, it's also nice to not have to worry about pleasing anybody but yourself occasionally. I know that the more I get it, the more I want it, so my own drive increases. And the funny thing is, the more sex I'm having, the more effort I put into my solo efforts (ie. they're better). When I'm going through dry spells in my sex life, my solo efforts are more quick and to the point, if that makes sense.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

SunnyDaze said:


> Do you think married couples should have an understanding about how much is too much and/or when masturbation is ok? My husband and I have an active; I think very good sex life - usually averaging about 5x a week. We are trying to be open about everything, and when I find out that he has masturbated I feel almost like he was unfaithful and I'm turned off. Men...is this is normal to masturbate even when sex life is good? Women....anyone else feel like this?


Normal. 

Do you feel you are not getting enough sex? Then pursue more, that is unrelated to masturbation. 

Are you OK with being used with little concern for your feelings? Probably not, hence the preferability of the occasional masturbation  In other words, masturbation and sex with a partner are not the same thing...


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