# Torn between husband and children



## Punkin (Nov 3, 2019)

Hi everyone,
I need sone advice. My anxiety is through the roof. Little background, I have 3 children two daughters 21 and 18 and one son 15. I have been with my husband 11 years married almost 2 years. He is not their biological father. The issue is my marriage is falling apart because my husband doesn't like my parenting skills and never have. He says that I don't make sure they are doing what they are supposed to do when it comes to keeping the house clean. This has been our issue for years. Now he was raised where everything should be in it's place at all times. Now I agree with that as well how ever I am a little bit more lenient and what I feel is clean he doesn't think is clean. He is very vocal and he has a very deep voice and he can come off as brash. A few months ago their was a situation with the bathroom. I think my sob hadn't taken the garbage out and I want to say it was the 2nd day and my husband asked me about it and I had told him that I hadnt been upstairs yet cause Im working from home downstairs. He got upset and left for work and text me in the middle of the night and told me he couldn't do this anymore he loves me but he can't live like this. He tired of telling me how he feels. All he asks for is a clean house and we don't have babies so there is no reason why the house isn't clean every day. Now the house is never just a mess but let's say there is a few pieces of whatever in the carpet or hallway and it's there for more than a day. That's an issue. The kids rooms not clean is an issue. Now we kinda worked through that crisis and have been ok until this past Thursday. So Tues evening he must have put his empty Arizona box next to the garbage can. I noticed it Wed and thought my son would take it out when he takes out the garbage cause that is his daily. Didn't check to see if he did it so now Thursday morning I come in the kitchen and notice it's still sitting there. So when my son comes down stairs for lunch I ask him why he didn't take it out and he gave some lame excuse so I told him when he was done with school to come take it out. Well my husband got off work early and saw it still sitting there and was like he put that their 2 days ago then left and went upstairs. I already knew he was mad. He then text me and said he was mad at me and the house and he tired of it if he said something to me it would have not went well and he talking about me the kids and my parenting. We haven't talked about that situation but it's been tense. Now fast forward to today. I was sleep and I heard my husband call my oldest daughter's name and she went to the bathroom where he was and he asked her if the medicine cabinet was opened when she came in there and she said no and he said close it back when you open it and she said it was just a little cracked and he said but it wasn't cracked when she came in so just put things back the way you found it and then I heard her say with an attitude it was closed. Now I didn't like that and I felt that was disrespectful and I was gone check her on that. So husband finishes up in the bathroom and goes to her room and tells her she needs to find somewhere else to go it's time for her leave. My daughter then left then my husband left. My daughter called crying and I told her she was wrong for getting smart with him and that was disrespectful and he probably felt the same way and that's why he said what he said. Now my husband came back home and didn't say a word to me and I want to bring it up but I don't know how. My daughter pretty much like none of them like him and I just either make excuses or take his side. Which is weird cause that's exactly what my husband say I do for them make excuses. I just don't know what to do I love my husband and my kids and I don't want to lose my marriage over this. I've been divorced once and I'm not trying to be divorced again. Any suggestions for me


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

It seems everyone is walking on eggshells around your husband including yourself. This is an intolerable situation and can’t be allowed to continue. 
Next time he threatens to leave ask him for his new address so you can forward his mail.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

I think it's called compromise. I expected my daughter to do daily chores and they got done daily. It was a system and it worked pretty well. If you've known he likes a clean house for 11 years, why is that not easy to accomplish? You have 3 grown kids and they can do their fair share. At least pick up the clutter on a daily basis. It's not that hard to do.

But he needs to stop with the micromanaging. But you know he probably would if basic stuff got done.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Sounds a lot like my wife. She can walk around after chores are complete and find a problem with every single one of them after completed, without fail. Her idea of clean and my idea of clean differ and it causes nothing but problems and is a very difficult situation to steer around.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its sounds as if he is rather over the top with things having to be clean and strictly tidy, and that you are more relaxed and like things to be more homely. To get upset over a not quite closed bathroom cabinet seems very over the top, just close it youself already. If he wants things to be regimentally tidy and in order then why cant he do that himself? He must accept that not everyone has to share his standards. It also sounds as if none of them like him and that is another big issue.
The fact that he keeps threatening to leave is very unsettling for you all. Telling your daugher she must leave over such a minor thing is just wrong.


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## Punkin (Nov 3, 2019)

gold5932 said:


> I think it's called compromise. I expected my daughter to do daily chores and they got done daily. It was a system and it worked pretty well. If you've known he likes a clean house for 11 years, why is that not easy to accomplish? You have 3 grown kids and they can do their fair share. At least pick up the clutter on a daily basis. It's not that hard to do.
> 
> But he needs to stop with the micromanaging. But you know he probably would if basic stuff got done.


I try to live up to his standards but it's never enough the house can have no issues for months then one day he see something he don't like all those months get wiped away and all he focus on is that one day 


hubbyintrubby said:


> Sounds a lot like my wife. She can walk around after chores are complete and find a problem with every single one of them after completed, without fail. Her idea of clean and my idea of clean differ and it causes nothing but problems and is a very difficult situation to steer around.


Exactly it is a very hard to work around and I don't want this reason to be why my marriage fails


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

This is not normal family life.
Like @Andy1001 says , you are walking on eggshells.
You are being pulled two ways, trying to keep the peace, which will always lead to anxiety.

Yes, being tidy and having chores is fine, but being moody over the slightest thing, like a bathroom cupboard being slightly cracked open, is obsessive.

When the children leave home, do you think he will be happier? Who will do the chores that they are currently covering?

I had a friend who's ex husband complained bitterly and aggressively because there was a used cup on the kitchen side when he got home from work. 
No care that his son was just out of intensive care, they had a toddler as well, and his wife was starting back at her job, trying to juggle all this, and the rest of the house was perfect. 
There was a mug on the kitchen side!


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Trying to live up to somebody's standards can be exhausting. But if you look back on the 11 years you've known him, has it gotten worse? Does OCD play a part? Is it being in the house during COVID? Or has he always been this way?

My brother in law used to demand the floor be vacuumed every night. OCD.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Punkin said:


> Exactly it is a very hard to work around and I don't want this reason to be why my marriage fails


Does it also feel like there is no room for a middle ground? It's very difficult to live up to an expectation that appears to be perfection.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Can you explain what you "love" about a man who tells your child to find another place to live (without consulting you) over a medicine cabinet that is not closed all the way?

A slightly open medicine cabinet?! Doesn't that sound insane to you?

There must be more to this story?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Punkin said:


> I try to live up to his standards but it's never enough the house can have no issues for months then one day he see something he don't like all those months get wiped away and all he focus on is that one day
> 
> Exactly it is a very hard to work around and I don't want this reason to be why my marriage fails


His standards are not practical or do able for a busy family. Maybe for him alone, but not for 5 of you. You must be exhausted trying to keep up wth his exacting standards and having to be a go between for him and your children. .
How about suggesting he pay for a cleaner if he is that worried. Sometimes people who have lived alone for many years cant cope with living with lots of people.


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## Punkin (Nov 3, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Its sounds as if he is rather over the top with things having to be clean and strictly tidy, and that you are more relaxed and like things to be more homely. To get upset over a not quite closed bathroom cabinet seems very over the top, just close it youself already. If he wants things to be regimentally tidy and in order then why cant he do that himself? He must accept that not everyone has to share his standards. It also sounds as if none of them like him and that is another big issue.
> The fact that he keeps threatening to leave is very unsettling for you all. Telling your daugher she must leave over such a minor thing is just wrong.


Yes exactly he is very over the top when it comes to being tidy and clean and I am more laxed. He isn't upset that she didn't close the cabinet back he is upset that she disrespected him. I say the same thing myself but he says this is our house and he only use 3 rooms in the house and that's our bedroom, his man cave room and the bathroom and doesn't feel like he should have to clean any other areas cause he don't use them. He doesn't have any biological kids and he use to live by himself and with his mom who is the same way and I have expressed my feelings to him about not meeting his standards we just have different views and he just say I don't care about his feelings and this is not how he wants to live his life
They have a love/hate relationship with him mainly because of his ways. 


EveningThoughts said:


> This is not normal family life.
> Like @Andy1001 says , you are walking on eggshells.
> You are being pulled two ways, trying to keep the peace, which will always lead to anxiety.
> 
> ...


Yes I am being pulled in 2 different directions. Honestly he will be happier when they all move out because when we had that situation a few months ago I told him he dont need to be with anyone with kids and he said you right either they have no kids or they grown and out the house.


Red Sonja said:


> Can you explain what you "love" about a man who tells your child to find another place to live (without consulting you) over a medicine cabinet that is not closed all the way?
> 
> A slightly open medicine cabinet?! Doesn't that sound insane to you?
> 
> There must be more to this story?





Red Sonja said:


> Can you explain what you "love" about a man who tells your child to find another place to live (without consulting you) over a medicine cabinet that is not closed all the way?
> 
> A slightly open medicine cabinet?! Doesn't that sound insane to you?
> 
> There must be more to this story?


I love him for many reasons does he have his flaws yes he does and it's not about the cabinet door being opened it's about her being disrespectful now he is out of line for saying that to her without talking to me first but I do believe that once she apologize for being disrespectful they will make up


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Who’s house is it. Is it owned by both of you or just one of you?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your husband needs to realize that you live in a family home. That means _everyone_ contributes to the upkeep of the home. There is no "well, I don't use _that_ room therefore it's not my problem". If he sees something that needs to be done, then he can do it. You don't point it out for someone else to do. Let me guess, mommy used to clean up after him until he moved in with you? He married someone with children and he needs to accept everything that comes with that.

There was no need for him to call your daughter in about the bathroom cabinet. Close it himself and move on with life! And to tell her to move out? You need to have a serious talk with him because that is not acceptable.

Also, I can't tell, did your husband or son leave out the Arizona box? It sounds like your husband did but it's your son's job to take out the recycling?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

gold5932 said:


> My brother in law used to demand the floor be vacuumed every night. OCD.


If my husband tried that I'd tell him "No worries, I'll come down when you're finished" lol.



Punkin said:


> He isn't upset that she didn't close the cabinet back he is upset that she disrespected him. I say the same thing myself but he says this is our house and he only use 3 rooms in the house and that's our bedroom, his man cave room and the bathroom and doesn't feel like he should have to clean any other areas cause he don't use them. He doesn't have any biological kids and he use to live by himself and with his mom who is the same way and I have expressed my feelings to him about not meeting his standards we just have different views and he just say I don't care about his feelings and this is not how he wants to live his life
> They have a love/hate relationship with him mainly because of his ways.
> 
> Yes I am being pulled in 2 different directions. Honestly he will be happier when they all move out because when we had that situation a few months ago I told him he dont need to be with anyone with kids and he said you right either they have no kids or they grown and out the house.
> ...


He did make an issue out of the cabinet, because he called her in there. He was being ridiculous. Just close the damn cabinet and get a life already. Out of everything that's wrong in the world at the moment, that's his issue? Lucky man!

He does need to help with the entire house, how childish and petty to say "I don't use that so I'm not cleaning it". And why couldn't he take his own empty box out to the rubbish? Why leave it next to the bin for someone else to deal with? 

Not having bio children is irrelevant, this is his personality. He lived with his mum until you got married? Oh boy. There's a big part of your problem right there. You married a man-child.


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## Punkin (Nov 3, 2019)

gold5932 said:


> Trying to live up to somebody's standards can be exhausting. But if you look back on the 11 years you've known him, has it gotten worse? Does OCD play a part? Is it being in the house during COVID? Or has he always been this way?
> 
> My brother in law used to demand the floor be vacuumed every night. OCD.


Yes it is very exhausting but looking back on these 11 years it actually has gotten better. I noticed about a year ago he stopped saying anything to them about the house and I thought that every thing was fine but he said he shutdown cause he was tired of stressing himself out and decided to stop being the bad guy and let me be the bad guy. Yes he is OCD just like his mom but she is worse


Punkin said:


> Hi everyone,
> I need sone advice. My anxiety is through the roof. Little background, I have 3 children two daughters 21 and 18 and one son 15. I have been with my husband 11 years married almost 2 years. He is not their biological father. The issue is my marriage is falling apart because my husband doesn't like my parenting skills and never have. He says that I don't make sure they are doing what they are supposed to do when it comes to keeping the house clean. This has been our issue for years. Now he was raised where everything should be in it's place at all times. Now I agree with that as well how ever I am a little bit more lenient and what I feel is clean he doesn't think is clean. He is very vocal and he has a very deep voice and he can come off as brash. A few months ago their was a situation with the bathroom. I think my sob hadn't taken the garbage out and I want to say it was the 2nd day and my husband asked me about it and I had told him that I hadnt been upstairs yet cause Im working from home downstairs. He got upset and left for work and text me in the middle of the night and told me he couldn't do this anymore he loves me but he can't live like this. He tired of telling me how he feels. All he asks for is a clean house and we don't have babies so there is no reason why the house isn't clean every day. Now the house is never just a mess but let's say there is a few pieces of whatever in the carpet or hallway and it's there for more than a day. That's an issue. The kids rooms not clean is an issue. Now we kinda worked through that crisis and have been ok until this past Thursday. So Tues evening he must have put his empty Arizona box next to the garbage can. I noticed it Wed and thought my son would take it out when he takes out the garbage cause that is his daily. Didn't check to see if he did it so now Thursday morning I come in the kitchen and notice it's still sitting there. So when my son comes down stairs for lunch I ask him why he didn't take it out and he gave some lame excuse so I told him when he was done with school to come take it out. Well my husband got off work early and saw it still sitting there and was like he put that their 2 days ago then left and went upstairs. I already knew he was mad. He then text me and said he was mad at me and the house and he tired of it if he said something to me it would have not went well and he talking about me the kids and my parenting. We haven't talked about that situation but it's been tense. Now fast forward to today. I was sleep and I heard my husband call my oldest daughter's name and she went to the bathroom where he was and he asked her if the medicine cabinet was opened when she came in there and she said no and he said close it back when you open it and she said it was just a little cracked and he said but it wasn't cracked when she came in so just put things back the way you found it and then I heard her say with an attitude it was closed. Now I didn't like that and I felt that was disrespectful and I was gone check her on that. So husband finishes up in the bathroom and goes to her room and tells her she needs to find somewhere else to go it's time for her leave. My daughter then left then my husband left. My daughter called crying and I told her she was wrong for getting smart with him and that was disrespectful and he probably felt the same way and that's why he said what he said. Now my husband came back home and didn't say a word to me and I want to bring it up but I don't know how. My daughter pretty much like none of them like him and I just either make excuses or take his side. Which is weird cause that's exactly what my husband say I do for them make excuses. I just don't know what to do I love my husband and my kids and I don't want to lose my marriage over this. I've been divorced once and I'm not trying to be divorced again. Any suggestions for me


I want to thank you guys for all your advice and I just want to give you an update. So my daughter called him to apologize and he didn't answer so she text him and he text her back and said that he don't bother her let her boyfriend come over and when she loud in her room he don't say anything to her and he and I shouldn't have to keep going back and forth about something in our house when she don't pay bills and that's where the problem starts and he not about to argue with a grown woman or tolerate smart attitude so before things get out of hand you just need to go. Now I agree with him about everything he said but she needs to go. My daughter came down stairs crying saying she still has to go so I called him and asked him what was going on and he said nothing he fine and I said did you tell her she had leave and he said yes and I said you can't make a decision like that with out discussing it with me first. He then said oh ok and hung up. I called him back and he said she don't have to go nowhere he leaving. I said no that's not the answer we are married. All I said was you can't make a major decision like that without talking to me about it. When she asked to come back home I told her I needed to talk to him first cause we are married and we are one. He then stated he was done with this he just gone remove himself from the situation and I said we made vows to each other and GOD for better or worse and I didn't get married just to get divorced again. he basically said he didn't care he not gone be unhappy. He then said that I'm letting a grown woman come between my marriage and I said no I'm not all I said was you should have came and discussed it with me like I did him. He just wasn't hearing me. So something happened with his phone and about 20 min later he started texting me and saying did I talk to her about her being disrespectful and smart and he just tired of the situation period and he about to be 42 and if I think he gone live his life constantly unhappy tolerating things from my kids cause we married I'm mistaken it's the end for us and honestly he been done he was just holding out hope but nothing is going to change love your children that's what your supposed to do he is an outsider she don't have to go anywhere he does and on GOD he promise he gone be out of there soon he can be lonely and unhappy by himself. He unhappy he don't want no part of this situation anymore so we can start the divorce process and I can keep kissing their butts but he not going to. He then thanked me for everything and said from this point forward he will not be coming here and he will start getting his things out of here. He said things have been on and off alot of times he just at his end nothing is changing. I said told him that I did talk to her cause she was wrong and that this is unfair. He said it's unfair that he has to argue with me and my children about about things that are just rite. He say nothing wrong just clean up and when you open something close it back and it always has to turn into a discussion and that's what he is tired of. But now on his life we can have our house he been fighting a losing battle. He tired I don't have control over my house I'm just weak and no voice and he dont need somebody like me. We don't need counseling he just needs to get away from us. We all weird and he sorry he really is but our situation isn't going to get better.

I'm so heartbroken and devastated. I don't even know what to do. He acts like the house is just a mess every day and it's not and the kids are just so out of control and they are not. My oldest daughter barely home she work 2 jobs. I had already told her before this situation happened it was time for her to move out and she has til June. My younger daughter is either in her room on the 3rd floor or in the basement and my son be in his room on the 3rd floor. Nobody bother s anybody. I just can't believe this is happening. I didn't want another failed marriage.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Punkin said:


> Yes it is very exhausting but looking back on these 11 years it actually has gotten better. I noticed about a year ago he stopped saying anything to them about the house and I thought that every thing was fine but he said he shutdown cause he was tired of stressing himself out and decided to stop being the bad guy and let me be the bad guy. Yes he is OCD just like his mom but she is worse
> I want to thank you guys for all your advice and I just want to give you an update. So my daughter called him to apologize and he didn't answer so she text him and he text her back and said that he don't bother her let her boyfriend come over and when she loud in her room he don't say anything to her and he and I shouldn't have to keep going back and forth about something in our house when she don't pay bills and that's where the problem starts and he not about to argue with a grown woman or tolerate smart attitude so before things get out of hand you just need to go. Now I agree with him about everything he said but she needs to go. My daughter came down stairs crying saying she still has to go so I called him and asked him what was going on and he said nothing he fine and I said did you tell her she had leave and he said yes and I said you can't make a decision like that with out discussing it with me first. He then said oh ok and hung up. I called him back and he said she don't have to go nowhere he leaving. I said no that's not the answer we are married. All I said was you can't make a major decision like that without talking to me about it. When she asked to come back home I told her I needed to talk to him first cause we are married and we are one. He then stated he was done with this he just gone remove himself from the situation and I said we made vows to each other and GOD for better or worse and I didn't get married just to get divorced again. he basically said he didn't care he not gone be unhappy. He then said that I'm letting a grown woman come between my marriage and I said no I'm not all I said was you should have came and discussed it with me like I did him. He just wasn't hearing me. So something happened with his phone and about 20 min later he started texting me and saying did I talk to her about her being disrespectful and smart and he just tired of the situation period and he about to be 42 and if I think he gone live his life constantly unhappy tolerating things from my kids cause we married I'm mistaken it's the end for us and honestly he been done he was just holding out hope but nothing is going to change love your children that's what your supposed to do he is an outsider she don't have to go anywhere he does and on GOD he promise he gone be out of there soon he can be lonely and unhappy by himself. He unhappy he don't want no part of this situation anymore so we can start the divorce process and I can keep kissing their butts but he not going to. He then thanked me for everything and said from this point forward he will not be coming here and he will start getting his things out of here. He said things have been on and off alot of times he just at his end nothing is changing. I said told him that I did talk to her cause she was wrong and that this is unfair. He said it's unfair that he has to argue with me and my children about about things that are just rite. He say nothing wrong just clean up and when you open something close it back and it always has to turn into a discussion and that's what he is tired of. But now on his life we can have our house he been fighting a losing battle. He tired I don't have control over my house I'm just weak and no voice and he dont need somebody like me. We don't need counseling he just needs to get away from us. We all weird and he sorry he really is but our situation isn't going to get better.
> 
> I'm so heartbroken and devastated. I don't even know what to do. He acts like the house is just a mess every day and it's not and the kids are just so out of control and they are not. My oldest daughter barely home she work 2 jobs. I had already told her before this situation happened it was time for her to move out and she has til June. My younger daughter is either in her room on the 3rd floor or in the basement and my son be in his room on the 3rd floor. Nobody bother s anybody. I just can't believe this is happening. I didn't want another failed marriage.


Periods are your friend... run on sentences that make no sense are not.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Back when I was married I realized I was being intolerant and demanding toward my children. The reality is it wasn't them I was so upset with, it was my wife. I wanted HER to do a better job cleaning the house, I wanted HER to do a better job managing the kids. I took out my frustration out on the kids because I felt at the very least I should be able to control their behavior, because my wifes behavior was out of my control.

Not the proudest time of my life. I tell you this because there's a good chance your husband is unhappy with you, the marriage and his present life and he takes it out on the kids. 

Ask him directly...Is it truly the kids or is it you he is upset with.


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## SolidSnake1990 (Sep 15, 2013)

Tell him to kick rocks. And if I were your daughters the next time he yells at me and calls me names I'd report him to the police for harassment. These are young women, NOT HIS OWN CHILDREN BTW, they don't need some grumpy big old man yelling at them over a slightly ajar medicine cabinet. If I were dating your daughters me and your old man would have words. Jesus Christ. Yelling at young women over an semi open medicine cabinet. He is right. I think your daughter should leave. Also, maybe you should too.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Punkin said:


> I need sone advice. My anxiety is through the roof. Little background, I have 3 children two daughters 21 and 18 and one son 15.


Is there some reason your 2 older children are still at home?
My 2 kids left for university when they were 18, only came back at holiday time, then moved on to their own lives.
My step-daughter finished university 2 months back, found herself a job last month and moved in with a female friend.

Your husband has brought up another man's children, and you give him no credit for doing something many men would not be interested in doing. Is it really so bad for him to want a tidy house? Maybe your husband fears the children will never leave, doesn't he deserve a bit of time with just him and you?


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## SolidSnake1990 (Sep 15, 2013)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Is there some reason your 2 older children are still at home?
> My 2 kids left for university when they were 18, only came back at holiday time, then moved on to their own lives.
> My step-daughter finished university 2 months back, found herself a job last month and moved in with a female friend.
> 
> Your husband has brought up another man's children, and you give him no credit for doing something many men would not be interested in doing. Is it really so bad for him to want a tidy house? Maybe your husband fears the children will never leave, doesn't he deserve a bit of time with just him and you?


While I agree with you in broad sense. Kids should go to college, graduate then start their lives. Perhaps, Covid 19 and/or other economic hardships have befallen the daughters. Kids today have a truly difficult time going to school with the extreme tuition costs and the cost of living his drastically inflated. I don't know when you went to college, but I went not long ago, and tuition is even more expensive than when I graduated in 2012. I moved in with my mom and grandma after college because I didn't want to roommate with anyone and I couldn't get a job that paid more than 20 bucks an hour, minimum in my area if you want to live in a semi nice apartment and have things like food and internet. It was a few years until I started making about 50k a year that I could get out on my own and rent an apartment and start a credit score and all of that. Inflation is incredibly high and it is very difficult on young adults just entering the workforce and trying to become established. And Covid 19 is brutal on the economy. I truly feel for young zoomer gen trying to go to school and graduate highschool, go to prom, party and live life. It seems they can't because of covid-19. We're going to have an entire generation of young people that are really gonna be hamstrung severely because of covid.


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