# I'm confused about his sexual assault



## me2 (Apr 24, 2013)

I have been with H since 1996, married to H for 13 years. When we were dating he mentioned in passing that a vice principal at his school had fondled/caressed his inner thigh and he decked him. This was grade 10, 17 years old, BTW.

Unfortunately the next 13 years are on and off hell, with me constantly considering leaving and then him pulling me back. He has been in heavy counciling for almost a year, and along with a diagnosis of severe passive aggressive behaviors, it pulled out more about the incident. Like that it was one touch, he did not deck him, he instead shocked and scared went to class, went numb and excused himself. He told a school councillor what happened and that was that. Nothing happened, no phone call to the parents, no discipline to the old man, just a transfer. Then it comes out that the guy had, for weeks or months, been grooming H... no touching, just extra nice things he was allowed to do, take part in, favors to each other (H mowed the guys lawn and the old man would flirt with him, H would be permitted to use office machines, etc).

So he is all torn up about this assault... it's (or the feeling of "why him, is he gay?" it caused) ruined our marriage, really. But what I'm so confused about... is ONE touch. They were both clothed... Could there be more to it? Or could he really be making our lives hell over one touch? I'm very sorry to any insult I may inflict to you all.

I have known sex assault victims and they seem less damaged. Or maybe I'm just jaded for all the abuse I have endured that he and the therapist say is a result of this old man and their relationship as told to me (I'm pretty sure there's stuff they aren't telling me about at this point). 

I am co dependant... and working with a Dr for it. And have PTSD from the emotional trauma of my relationship with H. Am I being insensitive? I feel pretty selfish about this, and have no one to talk to about it until IC on Wed...


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Male survivors often carry so much anger, and many times blame themselves for not preventing it, or for not reporting it. They mistakenly carry the blame (and shame) that isn't theirs.

There may well be more. It's not a trickle truth like affair information is; it's totally different. His brain might be protecting him by blocking memories which are too painful to remember or to feel.

One thing I learned is not to compare my abuse to his or to anyone else's. While survivors often have things in common reaction-wise, each situation is different. Dynamics from then and now affect how he heals, IF he heals, his trust level (there isn't much, and it's not about you)...it's complex.

While he isn't intentionally making life hell (and the number of touches don't matter: a violation is a violation), he still is accountable for his actions. No survivor has the right to expect or demand, through action or inaction, that others take care of them or fix their wound. The problems is survivors don't know that they are doing that, because it's what they've always done. I did it. My husband does it. It's getting better, but it means re-learning how to interact on an intimate level.

Him not telling you 'all', doesn't mean he's holding back on purpose. It means he might not remember, or it's too painful to discuss. One of the fears is: the fear of never feeling safe.


----------



## me2 (Apr 24, 2013)

I just had him on the phone... 

Last night I said I'm tired of asking him to read the books I bought to understand our problems, and I said it's just a power struggle. He agreed and said maybe if I stop pushing he might read one. I lost it on him. I pointed out the PA behavior of a senseless power struggle. He read the thread on PA here and understood himself better, understood me and was able to stop a lot of it when or before it happened.

I read to understand the things around me (and I'm diagnosed with hypervigilintism)... but feel crushed when he is so unwilling to do a simple task that may help him understand me. 

I have worked so hard to help him through the years and am just coming to the end of my patience. I want to be selfish now and I feel horrible for it. I told him maybe we should separate, he might heal faster without me making demands on him to fix our marriage with me. And I can heal from my PTSD... but it'd be without him, like I always suspected things would be when I am in need. God, I feel like a horrible person.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

me2 said:


> But what I'm so confused about... is ONE touch. They were both clothed.


Me2, I believe you have good reason to be skeptical. Of course, anything is possible. Yet, I find it very hard to believe that, if your H was an emotionally healthy 17 year old, having an old man touch his thigh would cause him to be traumatized.

My experience is that a real sexual assault -- that is, an actual assault, not a thigh touching -- is most likely to create serious emotional damage when done in early childhood, before age five. At that young age, non-sexual abuse (e.g., emotionally unavailable parent) also can be very damaging. The reason is that the trauma can interrupt the child's emotional development, leaving him stuck with the emotional development of a young child. 

I therefore suggest your H look to the "toxic relationship with his parents" (his words) if he wants to find the source of his issues. Once that damage is done in early childhood, the child can acquire a self image of being a victim -- a false self image that he will try to validate throughout adulthood if he does not develop a high level of self awareness. Hence, he perceives the old man as having terribly "assaulted" him and perceives you as "making" him get the vasectomy.


----------



## me2 (Apr 24, 2013)

I all my anger at the effects this whole issue has had on my life I feel the need to lash out at the people involved. Worst of all of them is H's mother. He told her (I just found out twice) about the inappropriate attentions/touch... and both times she brushed him off. I want to bury her... just hurry up and die so I don't have to see her again. I think this is the most telling thing of his childhood, that she probably brushed off a lot of his pain and confusion... she has a very narcissistic personality. Now that I look back she certainly made my pregnancy about her and my wedding day was about her. 

Dang... I sound like a victim. And I hate it.

I am being treated for abandonment by my father, emotional abandonment by my mother, and the PTSD caused by emotional trauma with H... and a total lack of solid boundaries and self esteem. I seem about as messed up as H right now.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Broken people sometimes end up with other broken people. I think this is your case. I hope you both are able to heal some
and find some peace with things through intensive therapy. However, sometimes if people are not able to heal they end up making their lives
and their spouses lives even more miserable and toxic. At some point if nothing is changing for anyone, someone will need to decide if this is how
you want to spend your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

