# Question About Sex and the Affair - Do I ask specific details?



## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

The thoughts of my wife's affair have been driving me crazy. I seem to be obsessed with replaying the sexual act over and over again in my head. 

Do you think it would be more hurtful (to me) if I asked her specific questions about the sex? I want to know how big he was. If she did/got oral? Did he use a condom? Did he make her cum?

I don't know If I just want to hurt even more but I just want some facts with the imagery that I'm created in my head. 

Part of me thinks it's a bad idea but I'm consumed by it? As sick as it may sound, I for whatever reason was slightly turned on and then immediately disgusted when I think about the betrayal.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Sorry you are here. Nothing prepares you for this pain. Many people get wrapped up in the details and can't rest without knowing. Sounds like that is you. I on the otherhand really wasn't interested.
If she is truly remorseful, she should oblige your requests to learn what YOU feel you need to know.

Good luck


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## shecheated (Sep 3, 2012)

I want to know but my question is what will that do to my already broken down emotional state? Is that something I should ask? Has anyone else done that? Did it make you feel better/worse? Did you wish you hadn't ask or was it better that you knew?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I got all the details. Took me a while to get them all, with the TT...

And it hurt. And yes, I got very angry, and had A LOT of mind movies, and it killed me. 

Here is how I got through it:
I bought some dry wall, and hung it in my garage. 
Then I talked to my wife, and got the details until I couldn't take it anymore, then I went into the garage, and punched holes in it. And it really did help. Got the pain out. 
Also bought a phone book, and tried to rip it in half. I failed almost every single time (until I bought a smaller one, a MUCH smaller one) but it does help to relieve tension. 

But it just takes time. Look at the bright side. You can take all the time you want.


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## Buildingblocks (Apr 22, 2012)

You have to decide between "The truth'' or leave it to "Mind games" going on in your head. Ask yourself wether you want to be in limbo and if the info you would get would indeed heal you.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I asked and asked until I had all the answers I needed. Then I accepted that even though I thought that things had gone further and he wouldn't admit it....in my mind it had. 

Now I am stuck on what did I do that helped him get to the choice to cheat and what can I do to prevent it in the future.

All this and only almost 3 months out. I have a long way to go still. And so do you.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Thankfully, I haven't had to go down this road, but I would want to know every single detail. Knowing if she did more with him than with me would help me decide on R or not. I know that sounds strange but it would give me an indication as to where I stand with her. However, I don't know how I would deal with the images.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

shecheated said:


> Did he use a condom?


Just wanted to say sorry for what you're going through and personally I never wanted any details.Also since the above is one of your concerns I hope you were tested for STD's as a matter of course.Take care.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Men are visual creatures. Knowing the graphic details could really put a wedge in your reconciliation efforts. It will definitely make you resent her more and the sex excruciating. I know one member here who said making love to his wife was never the same again. He pictures other women to numb the mental images.

However other people like you hinted, got turned on by it or managed to cope in the end. 

I personally wouldn't recommend knowing the graphics details but I understand that the paranoia overwhelms you.

The mental images from my ex's PA was one of the main reasons why I walked in the end.


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## danielpreciad (Sep 6, 2012)

I got very angry, and had A LOT of mind movies, and it killed me.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I never ask my wife what they did. I really did not think that would halp with R in anyway. I have read were some guys want to know so they can repeat what OM did. I am not sure how that helps anything. To me you start seeing mini movie in your head of other OM and wife. 
I just left it as they had sex. How does not matter.

What I found to help me was do things to make me feel better. Went to shooting range, workout,play PC game I like, read a book. I tired to replace my pain with things I love and not go down the path of destruction. Like drugs, alcholol, binge eating ,etc.

You know what it really did help me!


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

shecheated said:


> The thoughts of my wife's affair have been driving me crazy. I seem to be obsessed with replaying the sexual act over and over again in my head.
> 
> Do you think it would be more hurtful (to me) if I asked her specific questions about the sex? I want to know how big he was. If she did/got oral? Did he use a condom? Did he make her cum?
> 
> ...


My friend, what you're doing is crying out in pain.

Asking if the OM wore a condom *should be a standard question to ask*, 
just due to the fact that your health was compromised and thrown aside for her thrill ride. 

You deserve to know that much. The other things though... penis size, orgasms, positions... man, I can't see how that would help anything, but to each their own on that one.

Only you can answer that question.

If you feel the need to know all of the dirty details, then
naturally you should prepare yourself for the worst.

Only you can decide if you could live with it or not... not any of us. 

I'm sorry, but that's the extent of it.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I did not ask for details, and I am glad for that. She popped a few out in the heat of interrogation, and they made images and movies that I would torment myself with. To me the details didn't matter, just the fact that it happened is bad enough. I did badger her into admitting that it was the best sex she'd had (no big surprise, there was so much pent up baggage and frustration between us we hardly touched each other anymore), and told her good, then she wouldn't wonder what she missed out on. Then I educated myself, and showed her what good sex is, not some ********* acting out his favourite porn scenes.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Stop adding details for your mind movies sir. If she says he had this and did that and this, then youll add HD to your tortureful movies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

What do you think happened between your wife and her lover?


Pretty much the same thing you do to your wife during sex I suppose - so not need for extra spice in that affair.

I suppose it would hurt more if you know that your wife enjoyed sex more with this other guy rather than you?

but for your future reference, you wanted to know the details because it would remind you of where your weaknesses are exactly during the process of sexual intercourse?


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

The details....
My wife had a 15mo EA\PA. There were a lot of details. YES, I asked for the details you mentioned and got them and more. I asked until, like Juicer said, I couldn't take it anymore.

It's NOT for everyone, and it's a huge mixed bag of good and bad. On one hand if your wife gives you the details you know she isn't lying to you and is being honest, holding nothing back, that part does make you feel better, getting the truth and knowing the whole truth.

However, the details will HAUNT you for a long time, I am 3mo down the road from Dday and it's better but it still haunts me.

For me, I am glad I got the details, I am glad it's ALL out there and I know my wife isn't lying to me or TT'ing me. I have it all. Sure there or more details I could get, it was 15mo, they had 60-70 encounters so there is always more. If I ask she tells, If I don't ask she doesn't and this works for us. We are in the middle of R, and actually doing very well.

If you ask for the details be prepared to hurt worse, and make sure you are ready to handle those details. My counselor is HIGHLY against getting the details, other counselors I have heard are too. many DO NOT recommend it. If you want to R, then it's not a good idea they say. Just know your spouse did A-Z, if you know they had sex then you assume they did oral, different positions etc.

It's all about moving forward if you want to work it out, getting the deatils is going backwards in a way. Also another thing that will happen is that you will compare, you will start comparing yourself to the AP which isn't good. But you will do it. 

Some things will be as bad as you thought, others wont be, i.e. the mixed bag I was talking about.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Another question that you have to ask yourself is whether or not you will feel you have ALL the details, or will you always feel there was something else not told to you.

I answered all of my wife's questions honestly, but she always feels there was more. There wasn't. But she doesn't buy it.

I realize her not accepting what I've told her is part of the lost trust that happens after an affair and you have to recognize that. If you are never satisfied with the answers, it will always haunt you. If you can accept what she says as her giving you 100% of the truth, you may be able to move on after asking.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

I never really asked for specifics. But I was able to read more then a few text messages from the D O U C H E B A G OM, where he was basically apologizing for his performance. :rofl: so i took that, and ran with it. 

Lets just say I try to make it point to make sure my wife is very taken care of now. 


Just me, but I don't need the graphic details. I don't know how it could help.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I've don't have experience with this, but if my wife cheated on me I would want to know as much detail as possible. The mind is a funny thing, and if you don't get the actual information your mind will fill in the gaps. I know that I would have a lot of mind movies and my mind movies would be horrible for me. I would imagine that the OM would be better than me in EVERYTHING and would have done more things with my wife than we ever did, without protection, ejaculating inside her, etc. etc. For me, knowing all of the details would like diminish the effectiveness of some of these movies that will play in your head. At least with details you could curtail some of the mind movies. If your worst case fears prove to be true, then you at least know beyond a shadow of a doubt. JMO.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

My problem is I have very vivid imagination, so I'd rather stick to one known story.


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## Son of Kong (Jul 12, 2012)

Like everyone else here sorry for your loss, been close to 5 months for me slowly it does get better, get ready for some ups / downs / whatever.
One thing I have tried to focus on is that nothing that is said, or that your CS does will change what has happened. No matter how much you blame yourself (hopefully you don't, while you may have contributed to her feelings SHE made the decision to cheat), no matter how much she does for you to make it up IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE, it happened if she wants to stay and goes through the steps to help the recovery then that's great.
Now to your point, write down your questions helps you focus, then give it to her and let her give you answers, my wife wrote her answers down as well. Be prepared for her not to talk about his size (she may) but if she realizes she has already destroyed you she may just say he was average or whatever to not hurt you more. Mine told me it wasn't emotional, romantic, there wasn't the intensity or closeness that we share helped a bit, but I did ask for other details (positions, condom of course, anything I wanted), be prepared you will not like any of her answers not matter what she says. 
Unless she was a virgin when you got married she did have sex with other men, do your best to treat the sex her and the OM had like you would anyone she was with before you, but treat her breaking your wedding vows and betraying you as the horrible sin it is.
Still bothers me especially when we have sex so I am one to give advice but I try every day so that's all you can do.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

I rather face the truth even truth has a bigger d!ck than mine.

Yes I want to know everything. That d!ck is her problem not mine.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I didn't ask. I don't want to know the details.
My advice to you is oh ask the questions you really ea t the answers too.
I also ask myself if knowing the answer to a certain question is going to hurt me or help me. If the answer is hurt me then I'll sleep on it for a couple of nights and only then if it's still bothering me will I ask the details.
I know my H had sex with her. I don't need the details, but I appreciate some do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I don't know what the right answer is. It's probably not healthy but like you I would probably want to know the details.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I wanted to know everything.....period. I asked and investigated, had her take a poly, and then did it all again, because I wanted there to be NOTHING more to imagine, and I wanted only ONE d-day, not many because of TT or things she "forgot", or didn't want to "hurt me more" with , or was "too ashamed", to tell me. I wanted it all on the table, BEFORE I made the decision to R or D. THEN, I set the conditions for R. She kept most of them, too, but broke two. She contacted the OM to get "closure", and she withheld some info that I found out from another source. I was then able to divorce her with the knowledge that I did my best and was honest and open with her , until the end. OP, you do what you feel is best.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

sirdano said:


> I never ask my wife what they did. I really did not think that would halp with R in anyway. I have read were some guys want to know so they can repeat what OM did. I am not sure how that helps anything. To me you start seeing mini movie in your head of other OM and wife.
> I just left it as they had sex. How does not matter.
> 
> What I found to help me was do things to make me feel better. Went to shooting range, workout,play PC game I like, read a book. I tired to replace my pain with things I love and not go down the path of destruction. Like drugs, alcholol, binge eating ,etc.
> ...


This is good advice. Find refuges for yourself, in the gym, in a book (if you can concentrate enough to read), in your church, on a hike, whatever. Do something to show compassion to yourself.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Originally I wanted to know everything. My STBXWW TT'd me to death. She wouldn't even tell me how many times or where. I did ask if they used protection and by the guilty look on her face it was obvious that they didn't. When ever I would ask her a question she would freeze up, go silent and stare at the floor...frustrating! 

4 months after D day #2, thinking it was just a EA, I contacted her OM's wife. She sent me thousands of messages that she saved off his computer. This was painful stuff to read proving it was a PA. There were some details in there...but not everything. I realized at this time that I didn't want all of the nasty details. I did make a list of questions that I needed answered in order to stay married to her. What I had read was bad enough. A one hundred foot view would have been enough...hell, honesty and a willingness to open up may have been enough. Sadly, she could not bring herself to do that.

I don't know if she was forthright with the answers to my questions if it would have saved our marriage or not. I think the honesty would have been a big help and possibly given her an opportunity to show some remorse. The fact that her sharing these secrets with me would have in some way been considered a emotionally intimate act and may have brought us closer. Without openness, this was all a big secret that only they shared.

On the other hand, too many details may have been fatal for me as well. Knowing what they did, how many times, positions, sizes, locations, dates, times, what she wore...etc would have burned into my mind. I will never know if that would have been survivable. Just knowing what I read was bad enough. It is debatable if the nasty details would have helped us in any way.

I am torn on knowing the details. I think the best possible way to do this would have been starting on D day #1, with her telling me everything I wanted to know. That way I would have gotten the entire story all at once. I could have decided if it was too much to stay or not. I do believe it was possible to R knowing all the details but I needed complete openness and honesty from the start. 

I decided last March to file and D her after a year of her putting in no effort towards R. She ended up not giving me any real answers except what I found out on my own.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

The condom part is important for health purposes. Everything else will just make you mad.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

bahbahsheep said:


> What do you think happened between your wife and her lover?
> 
> 
> Pretty much the same thing you do to your wife during sex I suppose - so not need for extra spice in that affair.
> ...


Errrr not necessarily.

There are numerous incidents where the WW would not entertain much more than standard sex with hubby but indulged in wild monkey sex, BJs and anal with the OM. One poor chap said to his WW that to reconcile he wanted what the OM had enjoyed. She blurted out "I'm not doing anal" I mean WTF she would do all that with some POS but not her loyal hard working hubby?
And some people need to know the details to process what happened, some times the mind movies are worse than what actually happened.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Lifeisnotsogood2 said:


> The condom part is important for health purposes. Everything else will just make you mad.


Except you can't trust any answers you get anyway. So for the sake if your health, everyone gets tested anyway.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

That was a fun day, the visit to the std clinic.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> I did not ask for details, and I am glad for that. She popped a few out in the heat of interrogation, and they made images and movies that I would torment myself with. To me the details didn't matter, just the fact that it happened is bad enough. I did badger her into admitting that it was the best sex she'd had (no big surprise, there was so much pent up baggage and frustration between us we hardly touched each other anymore), and told her good, then she wouldn't wonder what she missed out on. *Then I educated myself, and showed her what good sex is, not some ********* acting out his favourite porn scenes.*


You sound a lot like my B1..... good for you... good for you! (And for your wife!!!)


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Personally i sat down.And had long debate, with my self on what answers i really needed to know,in order to move on..

Luckily i realized you can sneak peek in to the pandoras box
and get a way with it..Open it fully, and poke around in it..
Many have,especially men have lived to regret it..

Its difficult to answer.. It all depends on what you feel you want to 
know.. Its a double edge sword .


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

SadandAngry said:


> I did not ask for details, and I am glad for that. She popped a few out in the heat of interrogation, and they made images and movies that I would torment myself with. To me the details didn't matter, just the fact that it happened is bad enough. I did badger her into admitting that it was the best sex she'd had (no big surprise, there was so much pent up baggage and frustration between us we hardly touched each other anymore), and told her good, then she wouldn't wonder what she missed out on. *Then I educated myself, and showed her what good sex is,* not some ********* acting out his favourite porn scenes.


I love that sentence:smthumbup: Keep having fun


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

FWIW:

I once saw pictures and then searched and found a complete video of a decapitation of a westerner by Al-Qaeda.

Well, only after years I started to forget the emotion of horror from seeing and especially hearing that. I took a long time...I wish I had never seen it.

So knowing the details, having mind movies, the correct one's, or the ones your mind supplies to the known details....know what you wish for.

Knowing it is bad might be enough, you don't need to torture youself extra.

But if one does need to do that I would advise to practise beforehand the techniques to manipulate and disarm the mind movies that will be created.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Empty Inside said:


> You sound a lot like my B1..... good for you... good for you! (And for your wife!!!)


This is good. However, why waist your new knowledge on someone who doesn't and will never respect you? I struggle with this question in my own mind. She cheated, more than likely, because she lost respect for you. 

She may never find that respect again. She will always have that EA in her back pocket to pull out when she needs to feel better about herself and your relationship.

Will you know now when that moment has come? Have you learned what it takes to recognize her emotions or will she still be able to lie and cheat behind your back?

If the answers to these are no, you will not know, why then is it worth trying to be faithful to her? Would it not be safer to learn how to secretly have your own affair and continue it off and on throughout any relationship to safeguard your heart as she did?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Regardless of R or D... if you want the "gory" details... sooner rather then later... strike while the irons hot. 

If you R, at some point she will put the affair aside and will never want to revisit it again. Truthfully, it's not very healthy to drag up the affair in detail every six months. With my own wife, I talked about her affair to her months on in. Sometimes, we would have to agree, to not talk about tonight, or limit it to 15 min in the evening. I was like a run-away freight train. It becomes stressful to both parties if you proceed with interrogations night after night for months on end.

If you D, what's the point it's all academic.


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## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> My friend, what you're doing is crying out in pain.
> 
> Asking if the OM wore a condom *should be a standard question to ask*,
> just due to the fact that your health was compromised and thrown aside for her thrill ride.
> ...


I can tell you honestly why I asked for every single detail.. I knew that she had been with other men not how many times or for how long etc etc.. 
If I do not know with very great detail everything that they did and everything that they did not do etc.. my mind will fill in the blanks and its far worse than what actually happened (or at least what she says really happened) The problem that you will have is trickle truth, they never come right out and say what happened etc.. 
I had to have her repeat the story over and over again asking questions and remembering everything that she said and trap her in her lies in order to get the truth. She claimed that I was interrogating her instead of talking and I suppose that she was correct, however if she had told the truth the repeated questions would not have been necessary. I finally told her that the repeated lies were damaging me and any chance that we had to have any kind of relationship going forward and gave her one final chance to come clean. 
I do not know if what she eventually gave me as her story is real but she did give me lots of information that I did not previously have and she spend a couple of hours thinking and writing it all out. She says that she remembered things that she previously had forgotten and that she wrote everything she remembers down for me. 

I can tell you when you ask for everything and then get it that its a good and bad thing.. first you hopefully know everything and secondly you know everything.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I didn't ask. I don't want to know the details.
> My advice to you is oh ask the questions you really ea t the answers too.
> I also ask myself if knowing the answer to a certain question is going to hurt me or help me. If the answer is hurt me then I'll sleep on it for a couple of nights and only then if it's still bothering me will I ask the details.
> I know my H had sex with her. I don't need the details, but I appreciate some do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*I never wanted to know the details of what they did.*


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I wanted to know what they did. Not in great detail, just the facts. I wanted to know all the why's and what's. Only problem is he didn't tell me. He minimised it to 'save' my feelings. 

What you have to decide is if you can compartmentalise it all afterwards. Because things you do afterwards will trigger memories of them. But the more you do those things, the less they remain theirs, and the more they become yours again. 

And it is not weird to be turned on by the thoughts. I have had those occasions also. But they were more so once I detached from him. The thoughts became rather degraded and dirty, instead of the clean love that was there before the muck was splattered.

I knew she was good, fell into all his fantasies. But he won't come clean. I need truth in order to move on, no matter how hurtful. It is the filling in the blanks that I find torturous and unbearable. And for the lies and not giving me his all, we are now finished.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Empty Inside said:


> You sound a lot like my B1..... good for you... good for you! (And for your wife!!!)


Good sex has nothing to do with cheating. If a person is so hung up on sex, that they will cheat to get better sex, then it says way more about their character, (or lack of it) than it does about their BS's lack of performance, between the sheets. After all, you can learn to have better sex, easier than you can learn to be a loyal spouse.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

The bottom line, OP, is what YOU need to know to make you feel more empowered. For some it is more , for some it is less.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

This question is asked by EVERY person that has suffered at the hands of a cheat. Some will let the thought pass through and not let it linger whilst others (I include myself here) will re run movie snippits through my head all the time which fires up the adrenaline and causes a range of anxiety reflexes. The big issue is that as humans we talk to ourselves in our heads continually. Its part of learning to speak as a child and continue on through life. In reality no one can tell you if asking the in depth questions will be or not be a benefit to you now or in the future. Only you know just how much you worry about things in general and how much you run situations that have or COULD have happened through your head irrespective what the subject matter.

For people who have a low response threashold (they worry about what is / can happen and then run through variations of the problem in their heads continually) the thought of a significant event like a partner having sex with another (cheating) will force the head games to start.
Reading your initial post it appears that you are now ripping yourself apart trying to decide what your partner and the other party did, what was it like, how do you measure you, was the other party this that and the other. These are natural reactions to a PA. 

Some of the reasons for knowing specific is that during the betrayal you feel your partner has used techniques i.e. psoitions, touches etc that were special and priavte to you on another person. These are no longer special to you but are now part of the betrayal.


It will need some deep thought by you given all the advice provided here. You should alos consider is asking the specific, indepth questions about you cancelling out those head films OR is it about using the questions to make your partner suffer a little (a puniishment) by having to give very specific replies that they may/will find embarrising, difficult or is it both?
But it must be said again (as was stated earlier) that if you are the type of person that sufferes film re-runs in their heads on other matters you may find that when you start asking the very pointed questiosn that you run these more detail films around and cause yourself more anxiety than before. Once Pandoras box was opened the troubles of the world flooded out. In the same way you may find that your relationship is starting to heal and delving into the act(s) of Betrayal you cause a wedge to be forced between you and your SO. The questions you indicated in the first post ARE very specific and you may find that your SO will not want to tell you size, was the sex act protected or not, did the this and that happen because they will be embarressed at what they did and even think your doing this to hurt them (even if they deserve it)
I really wish you well on this and would be interested if what you finally decide to do.


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## DaKarmaTrain! (May 17, 2012)

Maybe it is an ego thing, but I would have to know the details. Everything.

And then when I find out he was hung like a horse/made her orgasm 20 times in a row/gave her the most mind-blowing sex ever I would be completely destroyed


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Pandora's Box indeed....

Maybe the 'wanting to know' has something to do with our human perception of power. When you know something, you have expanded a kind of power grid over a situation. So naturally you want to cover everything, and you don't want to cover black holes in your system, of which you don't know what is in there. Heck, you don't want any black holes in the history behind you, because there may be something coming out of it to hunt you down.

So 'Wanting to know' looks like some instinct from our primitive brain, like a caveman wanting to know all entrances to his cave, and all holes explored so he knows he is save. 

Like so many primitive instincts though, it is maybe not too suitable for our complex modern times.


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## DH1971 (Sep 15, 2012)

shecheated said:


> The thoughts of my wife's affair have been driving me crazy. I seem to be obsessed with replaying the sexual act over and over again in my head.
> 
> Do you think it would be more hurtful (to me) if I asked her specific questions about the sex? I want to know how big he was. If she did/got oral? Did he use a condom? Did he make her cum?
> 
> ...


The condom part is important. Everything else will just drive u crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

When my first wife cheated, I wanted to know all of the details. Now I wish I wouldn't have asked. It basically came down to the fact that she wanted to be with a real man. Or what she thought a real man was. I am now married to my second wife and it is going great. No lies, bs or otherwise.


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

shecheated said:


> The thoughts of my wife's affair have been driving me crazy. I seem to be obsessed with replaying the sexual act over and over again in my head.
> 
> Do you think it would be more hurtful (to me) if I asked her specific questions about the sex? I want to know how big he was. If she did/got oral? Did he use a condom? Did he make her cum?
> 
> ...


I asked for full disclosure and got it. I honestly don't know what is worse. I guess it depends on if you think it is a full disclosure or if you feel they held anything back.

For me I had details from him (he was my best friend back then) and I told her I talked to him. Any hope she had of us still being married depended on her complete honestly. One difference in details and I walked.

I got all the gory details and it helped. It didn't stop me having mental movies, or flashbacks during sex with her. The pain is still there but the unknown is gone. 

I guess that in a way it is better knowing it all.


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