# Infidelity Saved My Marriage



## cozyaum (Oct 30, 2011)

Hubby & I had a rocky courtship, had a miscarriage, got married, got pregnant, another miscarriage and things got rockier. The train fully derailed when he ended up having a one-night-stand. 

He tearfully confessed the next day & I left the room for fear I'd punch him. 

When I got the ego out of the way, I realized that if this were a movie, the audience would be saying I drove him to it. The turbulence in the already rocky relationship and all that tragedy killed my sex drive. I also had some deep seeded resentments for my husband from unresolved issues and was pushing him away. 

He wasn't in love with anyone else, it was a one time fling. Let's talk it out. 

Neither of us were happy or hot for each other but we didn't want to leave each other either. We truly are life partners-its the intimacy that's shot. 

We pursued polyamory (OMG I had SOOOO much fun & blew off a little steam and I won't lie—partly I felt I was getting revenge (at first) because I never wanted this, but was getting WAY more action lol) 
Polyamory became an all-consuming lifestyle and although we had fun & explored, we only ever truly relaxed or feeling “home” when we were alone with each other.

After the 6 mo poly experiment we decided to fully come to terms with the fact that we were married & re embrace monogamy. Lol Its been cozy since- 4 yrs of peace & quiet.

My first tip when there has been an affair: Acknowledging how you may have contributed to the breakdown doesn't let the cheater off the hook. It allows you to identify when the train started to veer off course so you can fix the part of yourself that caused resistance. It takes 2 people to cheat & I’m not referring to the mistress. This problem solving makes your pain at the very least productive. 

The “worst thing that could happen” in a marriage happened in mine & after the dust settled I ended up getting a temporary free pass and made a few death bed memories. Not too shabby. Not only did I get over it all, but now both me & my husband know, without any shadow of a doubt, that we aren't 'just a couple.' We are home to each other. We are family. 

Do I fear it ever happening again? not in the least. I don't look at it like “it better not happen again” --I look at it like “is likely never to happen again, but if it did, we'd get over it & i get to have a fling!” I am honestly that flip about it. 

However, because we both now know how energy consuming even a casual fling is, we are both phobic of it—not of each other, but for ourselves. I can't be bothered to anymore-too much drama & my husband now refers to any 'other woman' concept as a bear trap. Too much work. The thought of either of us having an affair is now literally laughable. We even talk about those days casually & almost endearingly. It literally was the best thing that ever happened to us. 

It hurt like a bastard, there were a lot of arguments, a lot of tears...but then came joy, trust & commitment. Have faith & work it through. It is SO worth it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Recovery worked in your situation because you had a combination of things that made it possible: a remorseful cheating husband who confessed his ONS the day after, his was a ONS and not an affair with an OW that lasted months or years, and you were emotionally strong to give your husband another chance.

Now how did the polyamory thing come about? Who suggested it and why?:scratchhead:


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## cozyaum (Oct 30, 2011)

You are absolutely right! My husband's remorse was essential as well as the fact that the woman wasn't around to be a threat. 

The polyamory happened almost immediately after. The ONS triggered some pretty honest convo's on how unfulfilled we both were in the marriage.

It started with me wanting some celibacy time recovering from 2 midtrimester miscarriages & the ONS. I needed a serious break. I wasn't hot for him & tired of faking it. I was willing to work on the marriage but needed a serious break from him sexually. He was cut off-period. 

He needed to be wanted & was sexually frustrated and devastated at what had become of us. 

I became intrigued watching the show Big Love & thought it would be nice to have another wife share the burden of a husband (because that's how I viewed him at the time) 
Except if I was going to give him the space to meet another woman, I wanted the same freedom. My hubby is not a playboy so the idea of having flings bothered him. We then heard of polyamory & began to do research. It seemed perfect for us at the time. 

I still think polyamory is a valid choice & know a few wonderful poly families. Its just too much work for us. 

Instead we both did a lot of work on ourselves and the marriage. We learned some conflict resolution & that helped us rebuild everything else


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Congrats to u. I think it takes a very resilient couple to get thru something like that. As well as two people fully committed to the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

To each his/her own. Nevertheless it's interesting hearing a woman state "OMG I had SOOOO much fun" because it implied a compartmentalization usually seen mostly in men. Even in open marriages, extra-marital sex is highly risky because it could lead to falling in love with the secondary partner. No doubt about it, you two got lucky that your polyamory experiment did not blow up in your faces.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Okay, but what if you are the type of person who was raised to beleive that sex is sacred and meant for situations where you are in love, perhaps married. If your spouse cheats, you cannot even the score without betraying your own morals.
FWIW, I anm a pretty decent looking successful guy who, particualrly in my youth, got hit on a lot. So, the opportunities were there for me. Yet, how could I even the score without jeopordizing my immortal soul?
It really bothered me, as I found other women attractive, as they did me. Yet, because of my beleifs, my XW got to have so many more pleasurable experiences than me. And, the score could never be evened in that area, as my beleifs wer so firmly in place.
I contemplated potential ways my XW could make restitution and, I suppose I may have been able to .theoretically, quantify an adequate amount of restitution(like annual vacations to Pebble Beach or Pinehusrt for me for life. But, my XW had no remorse.

So, while this may have worked for you, it cannot work for folks who do not beleive in sex as a strictly recreational activity.
I know, I must sound like a dinosaur. But 12 years of parochial school education , altar boy training etc really made an impression.


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