# Looking for some advice



## cwm722 (Aug 7, 2007)

Hello all,
My wife and I have been married for over 10 years. We are both 31 years old. We were high school sweet hearts as well so we have know each other for over 15 years. I have been in the US Navy Submarine service for over 13 years. Well now that all the easy stuff is out of the way here comes the hard part. 
About 6 years ago I started playing online with some friends at work. It was all pretty harmless really. (exspecially if you consider our line of work) We would download loads of porn pics and such to take with us underway for insperationsl material while we were deployed for 6 months at a time. Well as time went on it got more involved ....a few of us started " adult-chatting" on Yahoo. At first it was just as a joke ..then I became more interested in it. It was really a thrill and a turn on here I could be or do anything I wanted with no repercussions. It wasnt cheating ..its just like an online game. Well then the picture trading came back into play only this time it wasnt professional pics that I was downloading these were amateur pics of the people I was talking to. Still no really big deal until I started sending pics of myself. I really screwed up when about 2 years ago I sent some of myself and my wife. She found out and was furious of course. She fogave me and I promised to not go back and repeat again. Well a few month ago while I was on deployment after talking with her(on the phone) I got really excited and tried to start a little dirty talk. Well she didnt want any of that so I was rejected. In my rejected state I returned to the good old internet and posted a pic of me and looked for some company for the night. I felt Awful for doing it and told her what I had done. Now she wants to leave me ......What do I do ???


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## kaelcarp (Aug 2, 2007)

It sounds like you have some sexual compatibility issues. For you, having the remote exchange of dirty talk has become a necessary part of your sexuality, whereas she is not interested in it. Either you'll need to keep that part of you holed up or she'll need to learn to accept it. It's something you would need to sit down with her and discuss openly and frankly without anger or screaming.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

I think that if she feels the need to leave, then you shouldn't stand in her way. This is obviously something that won't be resolved unless one of you changes drastically.


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## familyfirst (Aug 13, 2007)

cwm722 - you have a very serious issue that requires help. I strongly advice you to seek marriage therapy. Your wife's reaction to your disclosure does not reflect sexual incompatibility. It does reflect the hurt she feels from your unfaithfulness. Though you may have never physically had an affair, you have emotionally. If you want to save your marriage you need to seek professional help for yourself and for your marriage. It is obviously difficult for you to stay away from the sexual temptations on the internet - go to a therapist to help you overcome this adiction and unhealthy coping mechanism. Simultaneously, ask your wife to go to marriage therapy with you. If she refuses, still seek individual counseling. She will be more open to working on the marriage if she knows you are proactive in addressing your problems. It is good you are trying to be honest with your wife. It is imparitive that you recognize you have a problem. Seeking intimacy outside of your marriage will destroy your marriage. If you need a therapist referal in your area call 719.531.3400 x2700. This is a free referal resource through Focus on the Family.


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## mia (Aug 13, 2007)

hi. i am just recently married although my husband and i had been living together for sometime. 
He has a child from a previous relationship, well if you could call it that. he told me it was a one night stand gone wrong. the child is 13 years old now. and he has been supporting the child ever since. although she lives with her mother.
and just recently as were started preparing for our wedding, the mother of his child starts allegations that her second child is actually his too.
i was flabbergasted. he then tells me that if the 2nd child is his than he does not remember having sex with her the 2nd time round. he could have been very drunk just like the first time. so two one night stands gone horrible wrong???? where i actually come from a lot of the local women try and get themselves pregnant from a foreigner to get a ticket out of the country using all the emotional baggage that comes along with having a child.
i hate to call myself a woman when i see how women actually manipulate men in this way.
anyway so we had the DNA tests done and they have come back positive.
i am very disappointed, angry and i feel cheated. i'd be lying if i said otherwise. and i want to be the bigger person here and do what is right by the kids from the unwanted pregnancies....its not their fault their mom used them and their dad doesn't want them. 
i come from a very stable,loving and very close family whereas my husband comes from a broken family hence his cycle has repeated itself already.

for the moment i can't even face my husband. i love him dearly and he loves me and when its just the two of us not thinking or talking about his other family we are unbeatable. but this..his past just rips us to shreds....
i wish this woman would just take these kids and with her new found life as she is married with child to another foreigner and leave us alone. 
childish but that's what i want. 

i hate the way i am feeling right now. i am trying my hardest to be forgiving and i want to move on but just the thought of this whole thing brings me down every time. he never even lived with this woman. she was just always on the party circuit he says......
i am also a very proud person, sometimes people say too proud. and i am even contemplating not having any children with my husband because i can't bear the though of being connected to this woman who is causing me such heartache and having my kids have half sisters........
am i being hard on myself? not allowing myself to have kids because of my husbands mistakes? 

i don't know right now i am just angry........


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

Man what a mistake sending those pictures to your wife. But that is besides the point. I think the problem is that she might have been more receptive to this before you did what you did. Now I think that she looks at the whole thing as disgusting and ruining her marriage. good luck. I hope that it works out but I have to say it sounds like you have an uphill battle before you.


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## deidre (Aug 17, 2007)

First I would like to commend you for serving our country. I know that's a very hard job in itself...And second, I would like to say I understand you situation. I dated a guy that was in the Navy and he was hours away from me.....We would talk on the phone kinky and dirty at times and he would also what pic's of me and other items of mine to take with him...Well he and his friends started to send each other's pic's of ex's and wives and just naughty pic's....well I asked him to make sure he never did that and he ended up telling me that someone had taken a few of his friends pic's of there girls and also his....I was furious...he said that I had nothing to worry about and he didn't think they would do anything with them....Well they ended up all over the place and he thought it was actually kinda cool...He said it turned him on and that he wanted to take more and wouldn't share them and would keep them locked up...well I wouldn't do it and found out later on that he was talking with people and agreeing to accept pic's from females....This was cheating in my opinion and it hurt....It made me feel as though I wasn't anything to him and a year or so later he ended up cheating with one of the girls that he had pic's of....while we were still together....

Sorry to get off subject but I would try to work out this issue....If you need to see a counselor than so be it...but don't hurt your wife by doing that because it hurts us inside and out more than you will ever know...I never forgave him for any of the things he did.


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

When you married her, the two of you exchanged vows. Perhaps it's hard to get close to you now because you violated those vows. You may have thought it was innocent (what you did), but the vows are very clear and certain with no grey areas. You were wrong.
I was emotionally cheated on before (by an ex boyfriend). I would overhear him taking with someone he met on the chat line...and though she and him never intended on ever meeting in person, they had phone conversations that were intimate in nature. And pictures had been exchanged.
This changed me. When I looked at him, I no longer saw the man that I was so very much attracted to and loved so very much. I saw a man that was no longer mine, shared in some way by another woman. That turned me off. It's like if you put a cup down on the table and a complete stranger comes by and picks it up, takes a sip, and then sets it back down on the table. You wouldn't want to drink behind that! You'd rather throw it away. And let's say the stranger didn't actually drink from your cup, but only picked it up and read the caption that's sketched on the side of it, then set it down. You still wouldn't want to drink from it.
She doesn't want to drink from your cup, Dear Hubby. It's been tainted. Even if this other woman didn't physically 'drink' from the cup, she still had the opportunity (given by you) to pick the cup up and check it out. 
Now, given that analogy, do you understand why your wife may be acting this way and want to leave? I suggest you share this analogy with her, and tell her you understand how she feels...but then remind her of the vows, that you messed up, and for her not to make the same mistake as you did-to stand by you, rejuvinate the bond you have, and forgive you so that this marriage-with the help of both of you-can be back great. You owe it to yourselves to try. 
ps. thanks for serving our country....AND BE GOOD!


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