# Working it out...



## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

So yes I’m probably crazy but I have officially reconciled with my cheating husband. We have been to therapy he seemed to be really sorry. We have talked a lot and in my heart i have decided to reconcile. It’s only been a few days but these days have been really good. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and I have made it very clear if he does anything that indicates cheating to me I am out of this marriage it is his last chance. He told me he was dumb and when he was caught was when he realized how dumb. He thought I didn’t care but realized how wrong he was when he saw my reaction to the affair. I know his excuses are lame but I do believe there is some truth to what he says. I’m totally not over it yet and gonna take it slow but maybe there is hope in love and marriages. Maybe we can work thru it I am hoping we can.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

He’s cheated how many times now?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

How many more "last times" will there be? Your setting yourself up for more of the same.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Lola416 said:


> *He thought I didn’t care but realized how wrong he was when he saw my reaction to the affair. *I know his excuses are lame but I do believe there is some truth to what he says.


Heard the exact same line when my WW was caught cheating. I countered... _"if you truly believed that, why all the lies and sneaking around behind my back?" _Just another way cheaters spin their betrayal back around on you.

As you say yourself... Lame Excuses.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Lola416 said:


> So yes I’m probably crazy but* I have officially reconciled with my cheating husband.* We have been to therapy he seemed to be really sorry. *We have talked a lot and in my heart i have decided to reconcile.* *It’s only been a few days* but these days have been really good. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and I have made it very clear if he does anything that indicates cheating to me I am out of this marriage it is his last chance. He told me he was dumb and when he was caught was when he realized how dumb. He thought I didn’t care but realized how wrong he was when he saw my reaction to the affair. I know his excuses are lame but I do believe there is some truth to what he says. I’m totally not over it yet and gonna take it slow but maybe there is hope in love and marriages. * Maybe we can work thru it I am hoping we can.*



Fist bold.... you have NOT officially reconciled. Reconciliation is a process, accomplished over time. (as in, years, not months days or weeks) What you have done is fear based acceptance and trying to bear through the pain... This is a mistake. DONT DO THAT because it will slow the process further. You need to realize that you are going to TRY to reconcile. 

Second bold.... You have talked a lot, im guessing the talking was him explaining how you contributed to the affair by not communicating how much you LOVED him. (ie: it is all your fault) 

Third bold... You are right, it has only been a few days. I cant believe you think that it is near enough to work through something like infidelity. 

Fourth bold.... You can work through it. BUT YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG, you have the wrong attitude, and I think you are still willing to put up with him. 


Sorry that this sounds harsh, but infidelity is not rugswept like that. What you are doing will invite more D-days, DISRESPECT and you will not heal.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How many times has he cheated? That you know of?


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

So there were 2x that I know of over an 20 year period. What I meant was we have talked a lot in therapy and while we are together. I have not forgiven him and he knows it. He knows if it happens again I am definitely done. Our marriage wasn’t perfect. He never blamed me. He blamed himself for being stupid and when he had bad feelings about us and not telling me. Yes he could be lying but I am hopeful he’s not. I’m taking a chance to save our marriage for us and for our kids. I’m not willing to throw it all away yet.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Lola416 said:


> He knows if it happens again I am definitely done.


I'm not sure he knows that. I think your enthusiam about reconciling might have taught him the opposite.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lola416 said:


> So yes I’m probably crazy but I have officially reconciled with my cheating husband. We have been to therapy he seemed to be really sorry. We have talked a lot and in my heart i have decided to reconcile. It’s only been a few days but these days have been really good. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and I have made it very clear if he does anything that indicates cheating to me I am out of this marriage it is his last chance. He told me he was dumb and when he was caught was when he realized how dumb. He thought I didn’t care but realized how wrong he was when he saw my reaction to the affair. I know his excuses are lame but I do believe there is some truth to what he says. I’m totally not over it yet and gonna take it slow but maybe there is hope in love and marriages. Maybe we can work thru it I am hoping we can.


*Actually, cheating is the "end" of the original marriage! 
Even if reconciliation is firmly upon the table, the betrayed spouse will or would be well served to grow eyes in the back of their head! In theory, the marriage would now have to be a second one with a lengthy regaining of faith, trust and newfound fidelity!

Trust has effectively been parlayed and no matter how repentive that the wayward spouse is or seems to portray themselves to be, there will always be an element of doubt present with their jilted partner!

It's only natural!*


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Lola416 said:


> So there were 2x that I know of over an 20 year period. What I meant was we have talked a lot in therapy and while we are together. I have not forgiven him and he knows it. He knows if it happens again I am definitely done. Our marriage wasn’t perfect. He never blamed me. He blamed himself for being stupid and when he had bad feelings about us and not telling me. Yes he could be lying but I am hopeful he’s not. I’m taking a chance to save our marriage for us and for our kids. * I’m not willing to throw it all away yet.*




This is exactly what is wrong with your thinking.... He knows you wont throw it away yet...

Having a hard line for FUTURE bull crap wont do you any good, because you ALREADY did not tolerate cheating before you knew about it. See, you are not likely to do anything different if he does it again. What incentive does he have to change? You are not willing to give up on him, so why actually change. You want him anyway.... 

UGH. i probably need to step back from your posts in the future....


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Lola416 said:


> So there were 2x that I know of over an 20 year period. What I meant was we have talked a lot in therapy and while we are together. I have not forgiven him and he knows it. He knows if it happens again I am definitely done. Our marriage wasn’t perfect. He never blamed me. He blamed himself for being stupid and when he had bad feelings about us and not telling me. Yes he could be lying but I am hopeful he’s not. I’m taking a chance to save our marriage for us and for our kids. I’m not willing to throw it all away yet.


He would be the one throwing it all away, not you. You would finally be looking out for the well being of you and your kids, if you left a serial cheater. That's what he is, a serial cheater. If you want to reconcile, that's of course up to you and him, but make sure you are trying to reconcile for the right reasons, and not because you fear being alone, or going through a divorce.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

I am not afraid to be alone. I feel like we can work it out and why wouldn’t be I want too? Like I said I could be wrong but I feel like this time around the therapy helped us. I am not going to turn a blind eye and I am not over this but I’m willing to take a chance. I certainly see a lot of people think my decision is wrong or maybe there is none that really believes in trying to work it out


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

How long did you guys go to therapy? Are you still going? I get the feeling you and he are no different than an addict-"I went to AA a few times and I'm cured! I won't drink again!"

In other words, you're rugsweeping. While it's true that generally I'm not pro R , that's not an absolute. I do believe with the proper mindset and heavy lifting by the cheater, coupled with committed therapy and demonstrable remorse and actions to regain trust (all of which are not a quick process), R is achievable. 

I see nothing of the sort here. Unless you're giving us the cliff's notes version.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Why does he say he didn’t think you cared? Was the vibe of your relationship just not that close? Not that intimate?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Lola416 said:


> I am not afraid to be alone. I feel like we can work it out and why wouldn’t be I want too? Like I said I could be wrong but I feel like this time around the therapy helped us. I am not going to turn a blind eye and I am not over this but I’m willing to take a chance. I certainly see a lot of people think my decision is wrong or maybe there is none that really believes in trying to work it out


When your husband stops cheating, for good, then it will work out. There's nothing to ''work out,'' beyond that. It seems that many BS blame themselves, even just a little, for why their spouses cheated. Like you need to help him get past this or something. He needs to become a good man, change his character. If that doesn't happen, it will not work out. That's the chance that you're taking, so hopefully, it won't be lost on him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lola416 said:


> So there were 2x that I know of over an 20 year period. What I meant was we have talked a lot in therapy and while we are together. I have not forgiven him and he knows it. He knows if it happens again I am definitely done. Our marriage wasn’t perfect. He never blamed me. He blamed himself for being stupid and when he had bad feelings about us and not telling me. Yes he could be lying but I am hopeful he’s not. I’m taking a chance to save our marriage for us and for our kids. I’m not willing to throw it all away yet.


Lola, 'he blamed himself for cheating and for being STUPID' 

I am sorry cheating is not being stupid, stupid is locking the keys in the car, leaving the dog out in the cold night, etc. His cheating is premeditated, he just doesn't suddenly slip his penis into someone else, "oops I did it again, silly me."

I do not want to make light of your pain, but he is feeding you the usual lines of the cheater, "oh woe is me, I was stupid, I was not thinking, blah blah blah."

You really have to see that you are co-dependent and he will not change. Why? Because there are never any consequences, he needs to feel consequences. You have to go scorched earth on his ass, not in order to keep him but to get all you can out of him and then dump him. You can do better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lola416 said:


> I am not afraid to be alone. I feel like we can work it out and why wouldn’t be I want too? Like I said I could be wrong but I feel like this time around the therapy helped us. I am not going to turn a blind eye and I am not over this but I’m willing to take a chance. I certainly see a lot of people think my decision is wrong or maybe there is none that really believes in trying to work it out


So answer this:
Does he have a password on his phone?
If so, do you have that password?
Does he hand you his phone whenever you want to look at it randomly to see who he's talking to?
Did he tell your parents or important people that he cheated on you and wants a second chance and their forgiveness?
Is he still going to therapy with you?
Have you read any books together like His Needs Her Needs and discussed the issues in your marriage?
Has he made any lifestyle changes so that you always know where he is and you don't have concerns?
Has he given up all friends who enabled the cheating?
Has he written a timeline of the two times you've caught him cheating?
Has he offered to take a polygraph to prove he's no longer cheating?
Has he offered to set up a post-nup agreement so if he gets caught again, he walks away with no money?
Does he have days where everything is about you?
Does he take the kids off somewhere so you can have time alone?
Does he buy you gifts, the kinds you really WANT (not what 'society' tells him to give you that takes no thought, like flowers or candy)?
Has he taken you on a weekend vacation after arranging for family to watch the kids?
Has he set up an environment such that he tells you honestly what he's thinking all the time?
Has he set up an environment such that you feel safe telling HIM honestly what you're thinking (i.e., you don't get snapped at or he doesn't get an attitude if you tell him he's doing something you don't like)?

If he hasn't done at least a third, half of these things, he is coasting and depending on you letting him slide. Again. And you have some serious thinking to do.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

*Working it out...continued*

So we have been together for a few weeks things seem to be going good. He is really trying to step up (at least it appears that way). He is very apologetic blaming Only himself for his stupidity. He has promised me this will not happen again. He gave me all his passwords to everything (honestly I only checked his phone 2x in the middle of the night while he was asleep). I feel like he is really trying to make this work. He says he never stopped loving me but felt like we were in a boring routine. I totally blamed him for not telling me this and trying to have a girlfriend. He still insists it was more talk then anything and only a few kisses. He says they never had a chance to go to a next level and he wasn’t planning on it which I’m not too sure about this lie but he’s sticking to it. He still feels like we need a little therapy so we are resuming that after Labor Day. I know he may not be totally truthful because he didn’t want to hurt me more but I feel like he does loves me and wants to make it work and so do I I just want to think there is hope on a marriage that wants to be saved. Not everyone divorces


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

“...only a few kisses.”

He’s lying.

But hey, if you’re happy, I guess that’s all that really matters.

Just be sure to get yourself checked every 6 months or so.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Every cheater who says he only talked, kissed. Every cheater who says he only kissed, caressed. Every cheater who says he only caressed, got naked. Every cheater who says he only got naked, had sex.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what RULES did you give him, to get to stay with you? Do you have access to his electronics any time you want them? Did he write a No Contact letter that you sent? Did he apologize to your parents? Did he set up a polygraph? Did he set up a PostNup agreement so if he gets caught again, he walks away from the marriage with NO money?


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