# Unhealthy views on sex after beign cheated on?



## Marabou (Aug 23, 2013)

After being cheated on, I have sexually changed. My husband didn't do anything in reality, he "just" chatted with some chicks online, mostly about a fetish of his I am not sharing.

Up until that moment, our sex life wasnt the greatest. I almost always initiated, but was turned down half of the time. When we did have sex, he lost erection half of the time. Because of that, our foreplay was cut down to basically nothing, I used lube for myself (still hurt, most of the time I bled a bit, but nevermind that) and focused probably 90% of my attention on him and getting him ready. Nevertheless, I still enjoyed sex. I wasnt feeling wanted, or desired, but sex in itself was a wonderful bonding moment (and, once the pain wore off a bit, physically too)

After the whole online thing was revealed, I have changed. I am no longer frustrated he doesnt spend time on me in bed, I prefer it to be so. I had only given him a handful of blowjobs before (and in the dark, I really dont feel comfortable doing that), now I give him one almost daily. I proposed and even insisted he acted his fetishes on me. I dont know why. I feel like I am punishing him, if that makes any sense. He tells me he hates himself because I am not interested in being pleased and feels like he is abusing me by allowing me to engage in sexual acts that I despise.

I would like to understand why I am doing this.

Sometimes, I think I am sick. In my mind, when we are doing anything sexual, he is just using me as a poor man's version of the girls he was chatting with (younger and thinner and more beautiful than me). I like that thought. In reality, I'm not "there" either, I am always completely detached from sex, my mind is going to other places, although I smile and act like I am in the moment with him. 

So, why is sex for just his pleasure something I desire? And why do I want now to sleep with someone else too? (he was my first and only)


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow, you have a lot of intensely personal stuff going on. I think a therapist who also specializes in sexual therapy would be better suited to helping you wade through all of your conflicted and seemingly contradictory thoughts, feelings and actions.

I don't know if this is true or not, but I tend to think it might be best if your abstained from sex until you have your rational head in the game. The sex you describe is almost like a manic desperate response and isn't really authentic to who you are and what YOU want.

Seek professional help ASAP!


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## Marabou (Aug 23, 2013)

I dont think I could share with someone face to face these things. Just trying to understand myself, I guess. I suppose I like ruining his fantasies and fetishes for him?

I always ask in bed, do you think [insert gf name] would do it better? I suggest he closes his eyes so he can imagine better that he is with someone else, the one he really desired. Offered to buy a wig to help him out, make it easier for him to forget it is just me, and not some super hot chick from the internet. I ask him to call me by their names.

Messed up, no? [He doesnt do it btw, I can tell he finds that disturbing). So do I, but thats the only reason I sleep with him nowadays.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

how much do you blame yourself for your husband's cheating behavior ? how remorseful is he ? 

you've described house sex was to you before you were aware of his activities . before you knew What did he say about your sex life ?

did you experience any sort of abuse sexual or otherwise on growing up ? 

me my interpretation of what you're doing is that you feel devalued and it's like well "here's what you want you s.o.b that's what I'm going to give you .". I can understand the twisted logic . but you know that you're just punishing yourself . 

I agree with Anon . abstaining until you get your head on straight might prevent you doing any more damage to yourself . 

apart from the selfish behavior husband did it before what bothers me the most about the situation is that he still having sex with you knowing how messed up you are over his online cheating .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I think it might be a good idea to seek out some IC for yourself. Not MC right now, that may can come later, but right now IC may be beneficial, you need to talk with someone about how damaged you feel from what has happened.


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## Marabou (Aug 23, 2013)

I dont really blame myself for his cheating. I did everything I could for things to be good between us, sexually and otherwise, and let me tell you, it wasnt easy as a former virgin to be somewhat constantly rejected. We both agreed that sex wasnt the greatest, but I always thought practice makes perfect, so I was willing to go through the less than stellar moments. He mostly withdrew.

He is very remorseful, so much so that he is becoming suffocating. It is like I cant be on my own for 5 minutes (also related to the fact that I "ran" away from home after I found out and took a bath in Lake Superior in winter - yes, I know, I need help, but talking about it here helps too).

And yes, I was abused as a child, and I am depressed.

When he says we shouldnt have sex, I go to the "why, am I not attractive like your gf, is that why you are rejecting me?". He never had an erection problem after the incident, which makes me think, deep down, he might enjoy the situation? I know I enjoy mentally tormenting him. But can you really punish someone by making his fantasies come true?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Everything you have said here needs to be brought to the attention of a therapist. From you being depressed, to you being abused, to your husband and these other women etc.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

It does sound like you are doing it to punish him and yourself both. The way things are now, you are holding the power and making sure you can cause him more mental discomfort than he can cause you.

I would imagine you are not going to be married for long at the rate things are going. The whole situation sounds highly unhealthy for all involved. 

In a rational world you would want your husband to want to be with you because he knows he has someone great that is there for him. Making your husband stay with you because he is afraid of your rage and madness is not sustainable over the long term.


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## Marabou (Aug 23, 2013)

I am considering a divorce, had from day one. Will probably happen, because I cannot and will not get over it. Why didnt I go ahead with the divorce? I am not financially stable and I have absolutely no support where I am at (not in my home country).

I see it came across as if I were holding on to the marriage and him: I am not. I feel I signed out on the day I found out. He is the one that is pushing the whole ,,don't leave me, I am sorry, we can make it work, and even if we cant, let me take care of you until you are better off financially and emotionally blah blah". I would sign the divorce papers today if he made things a bit easier.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Some people describe discovering you are been cheated on as been exposed to trauma. Part of traumatic aftermath is that the traumatized person wants to relive the situation over and over again and get a different result. You need to see a therapist who specializes in trauma and possibly sex addiction for you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

No advice...just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you are going thru.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

First, I am sorry you are going through this, I know it is painful. I think you have had several layers of pain.

1) The abuse as a child

2) The neglect in sexual activity as an early spouse

3) What you are going through now.

However, your husband seems to have his own issues. The fact that he neglected you from an early point means that he feels sex is a dirty act or has himself addicted to this fetish. I fell there is nothing wrong with a fetish from time to time, but if it is your whole life, that is a problem. Please note that I don't consider oral sex in the least bit a fetish.

Your response to the issue is normal - almost too normal. You were rejected, you found out what really interested him, you went out of your way to do that. In this way he is lucky, but your detachment isn't helpful.

You mentioned that you never used to give him a BJ - thought the act was disgusting. Now you do it daily. Do you still consider it disgusting? Are you doing it out of desperation or desire? I think you need to ask yourself "what are YOU getting out of the current sexual behavior that you are willfully doing it?" Please note, I find nothing wrong with wanting to please your partner in every way possible. This is why there are several men on this site - myself included - who would do ANYTHING for a regular sex life and unfortunately, why some women fake orgasms. 

I am not sure if I helped here, but hopefully you can ask some questions of yourself and see if the answers you give point you towards the direction you want to go.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is there somewhere you can go to spend a week or month so you can decompress? I think being away from him would do you wonders.

I question your husband's "remorse". His concern is for himself. But he accepts sex from you despite how it debases you. 

Please stop having sex with him. Get away from him. See a lawyer. 

That you are here means that you still have a spark inside that wants to live without the pain you feel at his hands.

That is really good. It is a reason to have hope for your future.

But listen to me: you have the power to change your life. You hate what you are doing. You dissociate. You go into self-protect mode. There are better ways to protect yourself than offering yourself up to the perpetrator. The power you exhibit by going to him by choice is the same power you can use to walk away and say "No more!!!!"

Apart from the emotional hell he has put you through, do you have any concerns for your safety?

Have you revealed what he did to his family? 

You said you could never talk to someone professionally. Is it fear/shame or something else?

Delving back into the hurtful past can be more debilitating than slogging forward. Perhaps an alternative is not to dig all of that up but to choose behaviours that counter those things.

Act in ways that are self-affirming. Do nothing that brings regret. Be true to yourself. 

Your husband is not worthy of you. Never was. Never will be.

His erection is not a meter of your value. His erection is a meter of how depraved he has become. That you finally found a way to command it does not raise your value or your strength. It drains both.

Your power is knowing you can but refusing to do it for an unworthy, unloving, cheating sicko. Your power is saying NO! 

He blew it. He loses. Game over.

Will you do something for me?

Will you do at least one thing for yourself each day that makes you proud of yourself and tell us about it? 

I'd also like to know more about you - what you like to do, hobbies, music, talents, places you have been or would like to visit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Bump! 

How are you Marabou?

Gotta tell you that I gave *me* some good advice in my last post. A man's erection isn't a measure of a woman's self-worth...

Especially when that guy spent years training himself to be unable to respond to real, flesh and blood women who desire sex. You can't succeed when they don't want you to. And if they don't want you to succeed at sex with them, it means you gave them what they actually wanted.

You did succeed if you use some twisted logic.

Problem is, we measured ourselves by what we wanted to happen instead of what they have done to preclude success.

Success isn't how his parts respond. Success is a constellation of things. Humiliation isn't among them. Success is when you are BOTH at peace. He feigns apology and guilt. You hate yourself for stooping so low for an undeserving man.

You succeeded learning the secrets that control his dinglydongle. Check that box off. He isn't a mystery or a challenge any longer. 

It has always been his problem. He just let you carry it for him.

Time you let him carry it himself. It is only fair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It sounds like you're punishing yourself...

Your H has numerous online EAs, and you have painful sex with him (to the point where you bleed) because he can't be bothered to please you, yet you continue to pleasure him whilst mentally detaching from him... 

I would consider counseling, OP.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Marabou said:


> I am considering a divorce, had from day one. Will probably happen, because I cannot and will not get over it. Why didnt I go ahead with the divorce? I am not financially stable and I have absolutely no support where I am at (not in my home country).
> 
> I see it came across as if I were holding on to the marriage and him: I am not. I feel I signed out on the day I found out. He is the one that is pushing the whole ,,don't leave me, I am sorry, we can make it work, and even if we cant, let me take care of you until you are better off financially and emotionally blah blah". I would sign the divorce papers today if he made things a bit easier.


No, you're not coming across as a woman desperate to hold onto her marriage. You're coming across as a woman traumatized, blaming herself, then punishing herself.

I don't care that you are uncomfortable talking about this to a therapist. Do it! You need a professional to help you sort this out, writing on line like this can help you too, but a face to face professional can help you heal so much faster and help you put the pieces back together.

I think your husband is behaving so attentively out of guilt and shame. He needs help too but he's not here looking for help. So we are concerned for you. If he was here..the responses would not look so supportive but would appear to be rather confrontational and eye opening for all the damage he's brought your life.


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