# Do I have sex with my wife who has herpes?



## JCobb (Mar 21, 2013)

*Background*

My wife and I have been happily married for 9 years, polyamorous (committed, but dating other people) for the last 6 years. 

She's been with about 5 other partners in that time, I've been with none (I'm not opposed to polyamory at all—I've been on 2 dates, kissing, but no sex—just been a little gun shy about making it public). But neither of us have experienced symptoms of any kind of STD. One of the few rules we have for dating other people is being safe, and not bringing any STDs home.

The guy that she's currently seeing casually mentioned that he'd slept with someone who had HSV2, which to him was no big deal, but he hadn't been tested for anything. That, of course, raised a big red flag with both my wife and I. Honestly, it's more of a red flag for me, since the idea of contracting something incurable really scares me. From my wife's perspective she figures she's going to get it at some point, and that doesn't really bother her.

We just went to get tested (not sure why we hadn't thought to do this sooner), and we're waiting for the results back. As far as we know, neither of us have HSV1 or 2, no symptoms, but from what I've read you can have it and not even know it.

*My Problem*

I feel like this puts me in a really tough spot. I could have it, she could have it. We could both be clean. Not sure yet.

Where it starts getting iffy for me is if she has it and I don't. What do I do? It sounds ridiculous for me to not have sex with my wife ever again, or even worse (from my perspective) never kiss her again if she has HSV1. I love her so much, but is it worth voluntarily putting myself at risk to contract an incurable STD? 

She's very angry at me right now—and I get it—for even taking the time to contemplate whether or not I would put myself at risk. For her, it's a simple choice: "Oh, you have herpes? Well, I'll have herpes too, since I love you so much." I feel like a total ****, but it's not that easy for me.

*My Question*

Again, this is hypothetical at this point, results aren't even in yet. But I just need some advice from others in his situation, or from those who are dealing with HSV, and those who aren't. Am I making too big a deal of this? Is it completely unreasonable to never have sex again with my wife so as to avoid contracting it. 

I guess part of me is thinking what if something happens in 5 years and we get divorced, and I put myself at risk and contracted it. I would very much regret that. It's a crappy thing to think about, but it definitely scares me to get something I can't get rid of. I just feel like I'm missing some info or perspective on this. Thanks!


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I thought that you could only catch herpes if you have sex with someone who has an active sore at the time.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I have a hunch about something, but I'll hold back for the moment to see what others think about your problem.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

When you agree to allow your spouse to have sex with people outside of your primary relationship, you take the chance that her sexual partners may transmit an STI/STD through her to you.

You depended on her to be selective about her sexual partners, but you also depend on her partners to be honest with her; something that neither of you have any control over. She had sex with a man who cared so little for her that he neglected to share a very important fact about himself. That says a lot about her ability to choose sexual partners, and about you eventually contracting a potentially incurable disease.

You have every right to, and should, consider the implications of her sexual choices. If you are willing to accept those risks and continue in a poly relationship with her, then you will unfortunately have to make a very difficult choice to have sex with her when she contracts a disease given that she feels it's a matter of "when" and not "if". If you are not willing to accept the risks, then you have no choice but to renegotiate having multiple sexual partners in your marriage.

It seems contradictory to me to say that you are willing to be in a poly relationship and yet you won't have sex with her when she contracts a disease from the very activities that you agree to and support. 

You most definitely should consider the risks and results, and you should have done so before agreeing to this arrangement. That's water under the bridge, but you are responsible for your health and for your marriage. If you are willing to support keeping your arrangement "as is" then your wife has every right to be upset if you will reject her when she brings home a disease. It sounds like a poly marriage isn't going to work out for you, at least given your wife's attitudes towards incurable disease transmission.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> I thought that you could only catch herpes if you have sex with someone who has an active sore at the time.


That assumes that he is aware of an active sore (viral shedding aside), and that he cares enough about her to abstain from sex if he does. If he cares so little for her that he didn't share his status, it seems likely that he won't.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

michzz said:


> If this is a real post, I think i just threw up a little in my mouth.
> 
> You can't just be fine with your wife sleeping around with infected people and also not be fine with your wife sleeping around with infected people.
> 
> ...


:iagree: I really hope this is a troll because this situation is just too disgusting and stupid to be real. You let your wife sleep around with 5 other guys but then get all upset that she might contract herpes? Are you able to walk and chew gum at the same time? What did you THINK would happen?


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## JCobb (Mar 21, 2013)

michzz said:


> If this is a real post, I think i just threw up a little in my mouth.
> 
> You can't just be fine with your wife sleeping around with infected people and also not be fine with your wife sleeping around with infected people.
> 
> It's gotta be one or the other.


Haha, thanks for that  Yes, this is a real post. 

I get it. There are probably good amount of people on this forum who understand poly, but there are probably a lot more who don't. Poly isn't about "sleeping around with other people", it's about experiencing romantic relationships in addition to a committed one (well, for married couples at least). 

I do understand that by being polyamorous we open our marriage up to risk. She's pretty comfortable asking partners about their sexual health, but there's also the risk of contracting something from someone who in unaware they carry it. 

So yes, I am fine with my wife engaging in a sexual relationship with another person, but it's always been with the understanding that our marital health is first priority. I'm not ok with her sleeping with infected people, but I think she may have been leaning too much on the honestly of her partner this time, rather than asking up front.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I have had herpes since I was a teenager. I have found, across the board, that women are FAR more understanding and forgiving of such things. Men are FAR more worried and paranoid. I think its exactly for reasons like you said. Its easier for women to think they will be with her man forever, where many men think about what ifs about dating in the future. 

The fact that the guy told your wife he'd been with someone who had it, makes me think that was his cowardly way of telling her that HE had it too. At least he said something though, far too many people don't, because it is absolutely devastating to get rejected for it. I hope to god that both of your tests come back clean! Maybe its time to re-evaluate the rules of your arrangement.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

JCobb said:


> Haha, thanks for that  Yes, this is a real post.
> 
> I get it. There are probably good amount of people on this forum who understand poly, but there are probably a lot more who don't. Poly isn't about "sleeping around with other people", it's about experiencing romantic relationships in addition to a committed one (well, for married couples at least).
> 
> ...


So it's an open marriage that she largely takes advantage of while you do not. Then she comes home with an STD that has no known cure. 

Based on your current lifestyle, the odds that you will divorce in the near future is high. With that in mind, do you really want to contract herpes yourself and then later explain to your dates how and why you got herpes? I think you know the answer already, but don't have the courage to say it.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

JCobb said:


> So yes, I am fine with my wife engaging in a sexual relationship with another person, but it's always been with the understanding that our marital health is first priority. I'm not ok with her sleeping with infected people, but I think she may have been leaning too much on the honestly of her partner this time, rather than asking up front.


Asking up front doesn't guarantee that a partner is either disease free or honest. If her focus is romantic interests, she might want to start insisting on a waiting period followed by testing to better meet your expectations of risk management.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Let me get this straight. You're married but have an open marriage and are sleeping around with other people, dates, etc.

Why did you get married in the first place?

Marriage is between husband and wifee, not also dating and having sex with other people. That's purposely committing adultery. You insult the institution of marriage and then she may get the herps and you are now getting a red flag?!

What you should of done, is only dated each other and not get married, seeing other people, open dating so to speak.


Not cool.....


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sounds like you're getting the fuzzy side of the lolipop that fell on the floor.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Sounds like you're getting the fuzzy side of the lolipop that fell on the floor.


Definitely.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Sounds like you're getting the fuzzy side of the lolipop that fell on the floor.


This is a really serious subject, but this made me laugh... 

To the OP... My GF of two years and I have "swung" a few times, and we've faced the fears you're talking about. On of the things that anchored our early relationship was me being with her through a round of STI testing after a broken condom. So even "playing safe" has risks. 

My thoughts... There's risks in everything we do in life. Not everyone has the same level of tolerance to those risks. And the "benefits" gained by taking the risk has to outweigh the risk itself. Only you can judge where you sit on this spectrum. And in my relationship, we decided that the relationship takes precedience over anyone outside of it. So theoretically, I could tell my GF with a clear conscience that I was done with that lifestyle, and we'd both shut it down. How that works in practice, who knows. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> She's very angry at me right now—and I get it—for even taking the time to contemplate whether or not I would put myself at risk. For her, it's a simple choice: "Oh, you have herpes? Well, I'll have herpes too, since I love you so much."


=/

By what right does she have to be angry simply because of your human nature to avoid the plague? 

"Help I'm drowning, drown with me or I'll be really mad!"

Erm... no


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

As for the herpes question, best thing you can do is educate yourself in order to make an informed decision. 

The Original Herpes Home Page, a resource for people looking for information and support relating to herpes (HSV, HSV1, HSV2 and Human Papiloma Virus, HPV). Please visit our herpes forums for peer support and information, or visit our herpes chat roo

you'll learn everything you need to know and get to ask questions from their great support forum without having your relationship choices put on trial, ftmp.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm not trying to put his "relationship choices" on trial. If he wants to let his wife sleep around, that's his choice. He's the one that has to live with his choices.

What irritates me is that people don't understand that choices have CONSEQUENCES. One consequence of allowing your wife to sleep around is the potential to be exposed to STDs. Now he's here wondering what to do. What advice can we possibly give? 

If his wife has herpes and he doesn't, he has to decide whether he can live with it or not. I doubt he can from the sound of his post. But I can't tell him how to feel about it or not. What's done is done and no advice is going to make his wife not have herpes.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

He actually chooses to be in a hotwifing relationship as he really is not indulging.

The good news is that this is good because he will not be spreading the STDs to others.

Only he can explain what he gets out of this arrangement besides herpes.


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## JCobb (Mar 21, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Only he can explain what he gets out of this arrangement besides herpes.


Yes, this is a serious situation for me, but admittedly this made me laugh  Truth is, I haven't taken much part in it because I've got other hobbies that take up time that would otherwise be spent dating. I do enjoy the freedom to flirt with other women. And knowing that I could date someone else if I wanted to is a nice freedom to have.

Back to the subject though. Just had an emergency 2-hour lunch with my best friend about my situation. He's telling me that i'm basically overreacting to "never kissing my wife again" for fear of contracting HSV1. This is kind of what I've heard for myself, but he's says so many people have it that it's not a big deal.

Thoughts anyone?

About HSV2, however, he feels like I have a legit concern about contracting that one. Occasional outbreaks of painful sores and whatnot. For life. 

The problem here is how do I deal with that in a marriage? My wife is amazing. She's my favorite person in the world, but is continuing our sexual relationship worth the risk of getting HSV2? That's my dilemma. I guess I'm not ok with that. And I feel like it makes me a horrible person. 

If both of us are clean, the only way I'm going to guarantee my safety is to shut down the polyamory altogether—a viable option. I don't _want_ to do that. I think that's honestly a part of her personhood that I don't want to take away from her, but I don't want to open myself up for a lifelong disease.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

so she get all the fun.....because their are plenty of dudes who will bang anything. and you get..............left out in the cold! or herps

ok... if that works for you then all is good!


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

I'm going to sound like a prick, but if you REALLY love someone, I find it hard to believe that you don't have a problem with them sleeping around. Further, you knew the consequences of getting in this type of relationship, and now you want someone to tell you that it's okay to not be intimate with your wife now that things have (potentially) gone horribly wrong. It also sounds like sour grapes on your part because she had a free-for-all, while you barely had any action.

The both of you knew what could happen, so if you love her the way you profess, you'll support her no matter what happens.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

JCobb said:


> Back to the subject though. Just had an emergency 2-hour lunch with my best friend about my situation. He's telling me that i'm basically overreacting to "never kissing my wife again" for fear of contracting HSV1. This is kind of what I've heard for myself, but he's says so many people have it that it's not a big deal.
> 
> Thoughts anyone?


Something like 80% of the population has HSV1 (cold sores), so you chances of getting through life without it were never good from the get-go. 



JCobb said:


> About HSV2, however, he feels like I have a legit concern about contracting that one. Occasional outbreaks of painful sores and whatnot. For life.


That's a distinct possibility. Plus the chance of passing it on to a partner even when you don't know you're contagious, coupled with the fact that condoms are ineffective at stopping it ought to give you pause.

On the other hand, only you know if you get enough from the relationship to justify the risk. Herpes is an inconvenience, not a death sentence. 




JCobb said:


> If both of us are clean, the only way I'm going to guarantee my safety is to shut down the polyamory altogether—a viable option. I don't _want_ to do that. I think that's honestly a part of her personhood that I don't want to take away from her, but I don't want to open myself up for a lifelong disease.


Only strictly enforced lifelong monogamy guarantees no risk. 

Are you sure that this isn't your back-door approach to shutting down something you're really not all that comfortable with?


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## JCobb (Mar 21, 2013)

coupdegrace said:


> I'm going to sound like a prick, but if you REALLY love someone, I find it hard to believe that you don't have a problem with them sleeping around. Further, you knew the consequences of getting in this type of relationship, and now you want someone to tell you that it's okay to not be intimate with your wife now that things have (potentially) gone horribly wrong. It also sounds like sour grapes on your part because she had a free-for-all, while you barely had any action.
> 
> The both of you knew what could happen, so if you love her the way you profess, you'll support her no matter what happens.


I see where you're coming from, but...

1) This situation was definitely unexpected, but it's totally on me for not taking the time to run the futures on it. I plead ignorance on "knowing what I got myself into", because I should have done my research before agreeing to our arrangement, but I take full responsibility for it. No one knows that better than I do now. What has two thumbs and didn't think this one all the way through? This guy.

2) This isn't a matter of am I going to leave her or not. The LAST thing I want to do here is get divorced. That sounds sooooo horrible. Hard to imagine. We're talking about sexual contact. And yes, that sounds crazy. Is protecting myself from HSV2 worth never having sex with my wife again? That's a crappy question to have to ask yourself. And even crappier, I don't know the answer.


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## JCobb (Mar 21, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Herpes is an inconvenience, not a death sentence.


Good point.




Cletus said:


> Are you sure that this isn't your back-door approach to shutting down something you're really not all that comfortable with?


I can see where you would think that, but no  I get it, I've definitely got an unusual situation on my hands. But up until the "revelation" (imagine HUGE quotes) of HSV, it's been flawless.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You and your wife love each other so much, that you don't want to protect each other form getting diseases and the possibility of pregnancy to others. 

I don't see that as love myself.

The more sexually active you are with others, the more likely it is that you will contract a disease. Both of you could already have Herpes and not know it, it's very common. I would be worried about HIV and pregnancy and other diseases.

I think it's hypocritical to be blase about the marriage and not care enough to have good boundaries, then get upset when one of you ends up with the consequences of having no boundaries.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

If you love and respect yourself then your FIRST responsiblity should be to your health and well being. You shouldn't trust anyone who has an issue with that.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

to answer your question........NO


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

JCobb said:


> If both of us are clean, the only way I'm going to guarantee my safety is to shut down the polyamory altogether—a viable option.


Come back in six months and let us know how this goes for you. If your wife has been nailing other guys for 6 years and doesn't see any problem with contracting STDs, she's not just going to stop cold turkey. But hey, good luck with that.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

justonelife said:


> Come back in six months and let us know how this goes for you. If your wife has been nailing other guys for 6 years and doesn't see any problem with contracting STDs, she's not just going to stop cold turkey. But hey, good luck with that.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> I thought that you could only catch herpes if you have sex with someone who has an active sore at the time.


From what we were taught in sex ed....you can catch it at anytime. You can't tell when the virus is shedding. And even active symptoms sometimes will look like a single ingrown hair.....


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Geez. You and her both need to get a full STD test! Whats next? Someone casually mentions "I have AIDS?!"

And if its clean and you are definitely safe...CUT THAT SH$T OUT!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

That fact is that before we die the majority of the population will have or had some form of herpes. 

It was thought that HSV 1 could not be transmitted to genitalia. Guess what? They thought wrong.

I know more than a few people that have HSV 2 and the vast majority of them had a rather serious initial outbreak and have never had one again. This does not mean they do not shed the virus but it does mean they have no visible signs or complications (currently) from the virus.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Herpes stays with you for life. If I were in your situation and my wife had HSV 2 while I did not, I would not have sex with her again.

That's the price you pay for swinging.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Adex said:


> Herpes stays with you for life. If I were in your situation and my wife had HSV 2 while I did not, I would not have sex with her again.
> 
> That's the price you pay for swinging.


It's the price you pay for stupidity, based on what was written in this thread.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If your worried about catching STD's, then polyamory (a made up term for people who want to legitizmize infidelity) is not your thing.

You can't have one without the other. You can't have your wife sleeping with other men, but avoid STD exposure.

You have to decide which one is more important...

In other words, you chooise "I want my wife to have sex with other men" or you choose "I want to avoid exposure to STD's".

How this is a complicated choice, I really have no idea.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Hicks said:


> If your worried about catching STD's, then polyamory (a made up term for people who want to legitizmize infidelity) is not your thing.
> 
> You can't have one without the other. You can't have your wife sleeping with other men, but avoid STD exposure.
> 
> ...


Agreed. Except to clarify that what this guy has is not polyamory. It's cuckoldry. Polyamory would be if they were both having sex with other people. In this case, she has sex with other men and he gets what's left over from her.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

pplwatching said:


> That assumes that he is aware of an active sore (viral shedding aside), and that he cares enough about her to abstain from sex if he does. If he cares so little for her that he didn't share his status, it seems likely that he won't.


Indeed, but I was trying to get at how the OP might manage his relationship with his wife ongoing, not commenting on the risk of the wife having contracted it from the other man. By far the greatest risk of the OP contracting it would be if he had sex with his wife whilst she had an active sore. Assuming she tells him when she does then they can abstain and he would run a very low risk.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> Indeed, but I was trying to get at how the OP might manage his relationship with his wife ongoing, not commenting on the risk of the wife having contracted it from the other man. By far the greatest risk of the OP contracting it would be if he had sex with his wife whilst she had an active sore. Assuming she tells him when she does then they can abstain and he would run a very low risk.


Studies* have shown that the risk of transmission from an infected partner, assuming no sex during outbreaks and no use of condoms or antivirals is about 10%.

Put another way, there is a 90% chance in any given year that you will NOT contract herpes from a well-intentioned partner. Assuming independent statistics year to year, the chance of remaining herpes free for n years is 0.9^n. After two years, your chance of remaining uninfected drops to 81%. At about 6 1/2 years, your chance of having remained uninfected that entire time is about 50/50.

*The Updated Herpes Handbook
Terri Warren, R.N., M.S., M.Ed.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Hicks said:


> If your worried about catching STD's, then polyamory (a made up term for people who want to legitizmize infidelity) is not your thing.


I think the OP has noticed by now that many in TAM are very conservative and think swingers "insult" marriage for some reason. 

My wife and I are not a swinging couple, although I know some that do as part of a "club", and everyone uses protection they claim they have never heard of anyone catching anything from there. 

Personally, I would not freak out about this issue until you get the results back, but regardless of the results I think your wife should either stop seeing this guy or she should be very meticulous about using protection with him. 

Herpes itself isn't a big problem in life but catching it could greatly restrict the number of people wanting to swing with either of you, so think about it that way.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

JCobb said:


> I* guess part of me is thinking what if something happens in 5 years and we get divorced, and I put myself at risk and contracted it. I would very much regret that. *It's a crappy thing to think about, but it definitely scares me to get something I can't get rid of. I just feel like I'm missing some info or perspective on this. Thanks!


Don't worry about it, I assure you it will happen. I've known a LOT of swingers and used to get invited to bull wives (not my bag) and none of them are still together. The reason is that eventually the W develops contempt for the H (I'll elaborate on why this is if you want me to) and eventually gets banged by a guy who has that "something" that makes her go with him. Funny thing is, they all say the divorce had nothing to do with the swinging, they just fell out of love. Riiiight, why do you suppose that happened? Fluid bonding, PEA, dopamine, norpinephrine, etc.

Who makes more money, you or your wife?

How would you rank her on a scale of 1-10?

Where would you rank yourself on the same scale?

Who wanted to swing first, you or her?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

michzz said:


> If this is a real post, I think i just threw up a little in my mouth.
> 
> You can't just be fine with your wife sleeping around with infected people and also not be fine with your wife sleeping around with infected people.
> 
> ...


Swingers generally expect to get herpes, chlaymidia, and HPV. It just comes with the territory.


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## unlovedunfulfilled (Mar 18, 2013)

From what I heard, you should not do it without a condom, or you could catch it, especially if the person is experiencing a flare up at that time. Be careful. Whatever can be cured, should be cured, and whatever can't be, well, I guess you work around it, safely. 

And yes, if you are swingers, things like this can happen. I never understand why people get married and want to 'do' everyone else but each other.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No. Get a doll.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I will not comment on the situation that led you to this issue but just wanted to say that my ex has it and had it before I met him. We were together 10 years and I do not have it. Never got it but we were very careful. It is more likely to be transferred female to male than male to female because its harder to see an outbreak. There are plenty of advance warnings before an outbreak occurs. Swollen glands, tingly sensation within a week prior


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