# Wife Isn't Happy Anymore - Rough Spot



## synaptic (Dec 24, 2012)

So I've been on here about my wife's personality issues in the past. Needless to say those have not been fixed, despite a clinical psychiatrist prescribing anxiety medication - which she won't take.

Long story short, she's exhibiting BPD symptoms. I can't get her into someone to diagnose / treat this, as she refuses. I cannot get her to counseling, as she is not receptive to that either.

We've been married 8 years, have 3 wonderful kids. 

My issue is that there are stressful moments in our lives where at some point you just deal with it as best you can. Her response is to have a meltdown and lash out at everyone. The worst thing is that when we have house guests, if the house isn't clean (and I mean not a spec of dust), she berates them to no end, saying mean and hurtful things at times, in addition to attacking me about things that she tends to hold over my head (for example, something that has happened 6 to 12 months ago).

Lately however, it's gotten bad. We had saved a bit of money for the holidays, and that's also a time when 2 of our kids have birthdays. I had told her to curb the spending, but it continued to escalate to the point that the money is now gone, and I'm reeling to deal with this financial mess. I emphasize every day the seriousness of these actions, and I feel like sometimes I get through to her somewhat, but most times I don't.

Add another thing to this - for our anniversary, she had gotten a ring upgrade, that we, in my opinion, needed to wait for. I yielded on this because it was already planned, just not now, and the stress level at home would be just too much for me to deal with if we didn't do it. I can handle the financial responsibility of this, but I explained to her that it would require tightening the budget and getting strict, to which she committed. That obviously did not happen.

When our anniversary date came up, we simply did not have the extra funds to do something amazing, so I took her out to see a movie she had been begging to watch. Needless to say the whole experience was horrible. We had a fight during the day leading up to it, and things never recovered. I was ripped to shreds all the way home.

We rent, and she's tired of renting. Our credit isn't the best, and I have long-term plans of building a house in a really good neighborhood, since I have gotten a really good job now. I need to make the necessary financial improvements before trying to get this, and I don't plan on getting an "acceptable" home to live in. I'm shooting for my goal. She also has a vision of getting a home, but she wants to get it done now, and not wait. I want to wait. I'm told that I'm not compromising on this, and she isn't happy about it. This was compounded by going to a relatives house, which was a new purchase, and a lot of items that were in it were desires of hers. That drive home was the hardest of any we've ever had.

Sorry for rambling. I really love her, and she loves me, but she has expressed that she is unhappy now. It's pretty absolute, shes unhappy and doesn't know if we will last now.

All because I'm not compromising anymore? I feel like I have done nothing but compromise on everything our entire marriage. From finance, to her random purchases, to even our kids! I am not going to compromise on the house question - if anything, the financial issues we have had right now show we aren't ready.

On top of this, I've managed the budget for 3 years with zero issues! Everything paid on time and solid. Because she couldnt stop spending though, 2 non-vital bills didn't get paid, and she is ripping me a new one despite my success for all that time.

I don't know anymore - I want to be with her, but she needs help, and she won't go see someone. I can't get her to counseling, her own family keeps her at arms length, and even her own mother says that I need to be happy, she's crazy, and you should probably think about divorce at this point.

I'm just a total mess right now. My apologies for this large rant.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

I feel your pain. I'm not big on giving advice on here yet...heck, I'm on here looking for it, too. But I can relate to your story. There will likely be a lot of recommendations of divorce...I'm considering it myself but I have 3 kids too (two are step, but still) and I hate the thought of divorce. The idea gets easier as the times get harder or less hopeful but for now just know that you aren't alone.
That is one of the ways this site has helped me the most.
Good luck and God bless.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You might want to look for counseling for a support group for people who are dealing with BPD family members. You need some help.

Have you considered an intervention? Do you think she might pay attention if more people point out that she has problems that everyone else can see clearly?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Synaptic, thanks for returning to give us an update. I was wondering how you and your family were doing since we talked two years ago.



> Long story short, she's exhibiting BPD symptoms.... I can't get her into someone to diagnose/treat this, as she refuses.


Even if you could persuade her to go to therapy, she likely would just play mind games with the therapist if she has strong BPD traits. Unless a BPDer has a strong desire to confront her issues and learn how to manage them, a team of psychologists won't be able to help her at all. The healing has to be an "inside job," i.e., something she does for herself. She has to teach herself all those emotional skills that the rest of us learned in early childhood.



> I cannot get her to counseling, as she is not receptive to that either.


Good. My experience is that, if she is a BPDer, marriage counseling would be a total waste of time and money until she has several years of IC to address her more serious issues. Teaching an untreated BPDer better communication skills likely would only make her more skillful at manipulation. Moreover, untreated BPDers typically use MC as a bully pulpit for attacking and humiliating their spouses in front of a MC who has never seen the BPDer's dark side.



> Lately however, it's gotten bad.


Lately??? No, no, no. Unless she's started stabbing you with a knife, it has not gotten worse _lately_. It was already bad two years ago when you wrote, _"I've started to get distant due to the emotional and physical abuse (there's been hitting, throwing things at me, and she shoved me off the bed forcefully enough to dislocate my shoulder) [12/24/12 post]."_



> I had told her to curb the spending, but it continued to escalate to the point that the money is now gone.


One of the hallmarks of BPD is the lack of impulse control, which can show itself as binge spending. My BPDer exW, for example, ran up bills of nearly $10,000 total on several occasions by obtaining secret credit cards.



> I emphasize every day the seriousness of these actions, and I feel like sometimes I get through to her somewhat, but most times I don't.


When it comes to budgeting and an unstable W, it really doesn't matter whether you do "get through to her somewhat." A woman who ignores the budget 10% of the time can do just as much damage to your finances as a woman who ignores it 100% of the time. Budgeting works only when you are careful on a consistent basis. It takes only one binge episode to bring it all down.



> Add another thing to this - for our anniversary, she had gotten a ring upgrade, that we, in my opinion, needed to wait for.


Likewise, my exW insisted for years on a ring upgrade -- never mind that I had bought her the ring setting she had picked out herself. Of course, as soon as I bought the new setting for her stone, she quickly turned her attention to wanting something else. BPDers are always trying to fill up the emptiness they feel inside. All your efforts will be as futile as trying to fill up the Grand Canyon using a squirt gun.



> She also has a vision of getting a home, but she wants to get it done now, and not wait.


Given the severity of your marital problems, the LAST things you need are another baby or mortgage payments on a home. If you decide to divorce her, the process will be painful enough as it is.



> I really love her, and she loves me, but she has expressed that she is unhappy now. It's pretty absolute, shes unhappy and doesn't know if we will last now.


You two have managed to last 8 years. My experience is that BPDer marriages to caregivers like us typically last 12 to 15 years. We caregivers usually hold on to the bitter end. We mistakenly believe that, if we can only figure out what WE are doing wrong, we can somehow fix the situation. 

These marriages usually end, then, because the BPDer eventually walks away. As the years go by, the BPDer becomes increasingly resentful of your inability to make her happy. At the same time, she becomes increasingly fearful of abandonment as she sees her body aging and sees you erecting stronger personal boundaries in an effort to protect you and your kids from her rages. At some point, then, she likely will preemptively abandon you to keep you from doing it to her (even if that is the furthest thing from your mind). That's what my exW did to me.



> All because I'm not compromising anymore?


If she is a BPDer, your presence in the marriage will be tolerated only as long as you continue walking on eggshells, playing the role of "Perpetrator" who is responsible for her every misfortune. In that way, a BPDer W is able to "validate" her false self image of always being "The Victim." As I noted above, when you stop playing this role by erecting strong personal boundaries, you will trigger a BPDer's great fear of abandonment -- never mind that you have no intention of leaving her.



> I don't know anymore - I want to be with her, but she needs help, and she won't go see someone. I can't get her to counseling.


If your W is a BPDer as you suspect, your relationship is not that of husband/wife but, rather, parent/child. A BPDer has the emotional development of a four year old child and thus is fully reliant on the primitive ego defenses available to young children.

Given that she does not want to seek therapy, it almost certainly would be a total waste of money to insist she see a therapist if she has strong BPD traits. I made the mistake of doing that with my exW. For 15 years, I spent a small fortune taking her to weekly sessions with 6 different psychologists and 3 MCs -- all to no avail. Over the years, her behavior only got worse. As I said above, her resentment grew due to my failure to make her happy and her abandonment fear grew also.



> I'm just a total mess right now.


You should be. If you've been living with a BPDer for 8 years, you should be feeling like you're close to losing your mind. Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused spouses feel like they may be going crazy. Indeed, therapists see far more of those abused spouses -- coming in to find out if they are losing their minds -- than is ever seen of the BPDers themselves.


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