# Still living together, but trying to move on



## hopeforbetter (Mar 20, 2013)

So I was finally game to start a new thread in the separation section. H doesn't love me, hes moving on, to resume everything.
We agreed to stay together for another 4 months because I asked. He is not trying or working on the marriage though, he is only working on his new life at the bar, meeting girls, thinking hes Barney Stintson.
I figure this is my chance to do a 180, which I have been doing. Took me a week to get good at it, and I have to admit it does help a lot, personally.
Today, we talked about a few things, I am not pushing issues anymore, I am letting him know that I am moving on, and sometimes I just need some answers to a few things to help me with closure. Today I asked him why he always kept his phone so close.He never did before. I said I've known you for 6 years I know something is up why don't you just tell me. So he came clean that when he was drunk at the bar he gave his number out and hes scared girls are going to text him and I will know. He then came clean about a girl actually texting him for a few days.
I let him talk.
After he told his story,he said:can I know what is going through your mind? (wow, big step...we are actually communicating now??!! LOL) I said:well not much actually in the softest calmest voice I could find. He seemed a bit confused.(Expecting me to lash out I guess, these days are over buddy) I said, well I already knew this is what you were doing so I am just glad you finally opened up to me about it.
Then he said: You know you are so smart? I thought he was sarcastic for a minute. He said it again, you are so smart, its going to be hard for me to find another woman as smart as you.
(Compliment? Really? Realization? What the heck,,,this is when you just feel like saying, you don't have to find another one like me, I am right here!! )
Anyways I just said, I thought you wanted a dumb one, because he said that to me about 2 months ago. He said no, someone who is not really smart would just be boring! ( Funny I had told him those exact words 2 moths ago)
So a little after I asked if he could come sit with me for a minute since we were doing good talking. I said you know the therapists (we went to one session and ended up in a fight) the therapist said we should talk about the cheating once and then never talk about it again? I said, I know I have brought it up over the years and you don't like it, so to help me with closure can I talk to you about it for 10 minutes and then never mention it ever again? He said yes.

Conversation we had about the cheating:
I said, you know I forgave you. But the one thing I feel hurt the most when it happened is that you were not honest about it. I said: you where very young and the context in which it happened I actually understood why you did it. I knew that you loved me very much at the time and I loved you. In a couple we are two people, standing side by side.We are each individuals going through our own thing at different times.I cannot decide or make choices for you, but I can understand and support you. I feel this is what a couple is, so for me the fact that you were not honest about it is what broke my heart. It also tore a big rip between us from that time on. The honesty, the bond that should unite us was broken. He listened mostly. I said something like I forgive you and I hope this will help you move on as well...bla bla I will never mention this again. After a while he said do you need a hug? I said no you? He said no. He got up, and then he said, I'm sorry for all the hurt and the pain I caused you. I said I forgive you. Then I went over and said,,,lets hug. Just hug and lets move on from this one.

Mind you this is all hard for me, I feel betrayed, I feel he is moving on.But at the same time it also feels good. I am not freaking out over this. I am taking it calmly day by day.Its all I can do anyways.

see this link to my first thread if your interested in the whole
story.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...-pushed-him-away-now-i-fear-its-too-late.html


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## hopeforbetter (Mar 20, 2013)

I have been doing the 180 for 2 weeks now. Last week I was crying all the time ( would hide to do it) and when he was around mastered the 180.This week, no more crying, I am doing so good.Even see him with different eyes...a lot of times look at him ans his crazy behavior.How he went from having good mature values to being an immature drunk and think really?what a loser he is becoming.
I HAVE A QUESTION THOUGH...
He has always had self confidence issues, he was very awkward and nerdy when I met him and I gave him compliments and love and made him feel better about himself. Lately, he is watching self confidence videos, working out to look better etc. He is doing all that to be able to talk to girls at the bar, he has said so, but not to cheat on me is what he says, just to ave fun and gain confidence.
Anyways, at home he is always taking his shirt off, hoping I will look at him or give him a compliment, always trying to do some push-up or something in front of me. I am kind of detached because I am doing the 180.
I have been wondering lately though, should I be giving him some kind of attention or compliments..?.because eventually he will find someone at the bar that will. I know he needs this recognition badly, and I am scared that the second he will find it somewhere else I lose all my chances at this.
What do you think???


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## hopeforbetter (Mar 20, 2013)

Good job ME!! 
Tonight H is in bed and I have access to his phone for the first time since hes been carying it around and told me he received some txt from this girl and was scared I would find out. Anyways, I look, see he called 2 numbers on Friday that are not in his contacts. I wake him up to confront him. Turns out it was his boss. Hes not impressed, needless to say. I apologised and said I was really sorry,that I hated myself for doing that and wish I wouldnt. I mean really I care less and less so why even? What now, really???? This is going to set me back!! Why do we sabotage ourselves like this? I mean, yes the trust was broken so long ago. I had started trusting him again, but he started lying again. Even if I save this marriage, I wont be able to ever trust him again. 
Whats the point. 
I wonder if I should tell him that.No probably not.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

hopeforbetter said:


> What do you think???


I'm no expert, so I would take my advice with a pinch of salt, but....

1. It's not enough that he wants your compliments. Those are about him. You need him to get to the point where he wants you, not just your compliments. Then it is not about him, it is about you.

2. My view would be that he needs a bit of "carrot and stick". By all means respond mildly to his fishing for compliments. But make it very clear that you are unattainable - at least at the moment. Tell him that he has clearly been working on his physique, but that it will take more than that to win you over. Take the opportunity to tell him what he needs to work on to get you interested in him again. 

3. Try to turn this into a situation where he is clearly the "wooer" or the "pursuer" and you are the pursued. Don;t give yourself away cheaply. you are a very valuable prize and he is going to have to work very hard to get you. Give him just enough encouragement that he doesn't give up.

4. Don't try to stop him chasing other women. If you simply act as if they are a dime a dozen but you are rare and valuable he will quickly lose interest in them. Unless, that is, he actually starts an affair. But it doesn't sound as if he is ready to do that yet, and in any case even if he does you can't do much but follow the same strategy - be the valuable prize. 

5. Act always as if he has no "rights" on you. you are a free spirit - free to do whatever you want, love whoever you want. Don't threaten to go off with someone else, don't drop hints that you might (very difficult to do this in a way that isn't clumsy and might backfire - it could drive him into someone else's arms) but just take a bit more space and time to do what you want and see who you want. He will notice.

As I say, I am no expert but those are my thoughts.


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## hopeforbetter (Mar 20, 2013)

> Tell him that he has clearly been working on his physique, but that it will take more than that to win you over. Take the opportunity to tell him what he needs to work on to get you interested in him again.


See I'm not sure about this, he is the one that told me he doesn't love me anymore. I don't see myself telling him what he needs to work on to impress me? Should I say something like, It really shows that your working out, but I really like a man with a bigger chest??
I will say this at one point just to test it out lol will let you know what it does.


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## hopeforbetter (Mar 20, 2013)

> 5. Act always as if he has no "rights" on you. you are a free spirit - free to do whatever you want, love whoever you want. Don't threaten to go off with someone else, don't drop hints that you might (very difficult to do this in a way that isn't clumsy and might backfire - it could drive him into someone else's arms) but just take a bit more space and time to do what you want and see who you want. He will notice


Here is something that happened. Tuesday after our Monday MC flop that he told me he didn't love me, I was approached by a very handsome guy at the coffee shop. This is a mature man, single for a year with a kid my daughters age, share tons of interests.This man is looking for a serious relationship and wanted to exchange numbers.I did, we txt all week. I felt really bad and wanted to tell my H, but I knew he was hiding something from me.So after he came clean about the girl that texted him I told him about what I did. He had many questions, many many many.... Anyways, I told him well you know after all you told me I was a little more opened when this guy approached me. I mentioned to him, you know its not the first time I get approached, like this doctor at work, and my Chiro. But before I never did anything to open the door, because, you know I was married.Then I said, I'm sorry, I value my marriage and respect my commitment to you so I ended it and wanted to tell you, because I have always been honest.
He reacted that's for sure.I can tell he realized that I am a beautiful, great woman that could be easily taken away.Still no sign of love though. Anyways still doing the 180.


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## hopeforbetter (Mar 20, 2013)

hopeforbetter said:


> Good job ME!!
> Tonight H is in bed and I have access to his phone for the first time since hes been carying it around and told me he received some txt from this girl and was scared I would find out. Anyways, I look, see he called 2 numbers on Friday that are not in his contacts. I wake him up to confront him. Turns out it was his boss. Hes not impressed, needless to say. I apologised and said I was really sorry,that I hated myself for doing that and wish I wouldnt. I mean really I care less and less so why even? What now, really???? This is going to set me back!! Why do we sabotage ourselves like this? I mean, yes the trust was broken so long ago. I had started trusting him again, but he started lying again. Even if I save this marriage, I wont be able to ever trust him again.
> Whats the point.
> I wonder if I should tell him that.No probably not.


After my stupid move of checking his phone and confronting him in the middle of the night, I went to sleep with my daughter, I felt so bad and ashamed.
This morning I got up and walked past him.He came to me and hugged me, he even squeezed me a bit like he actually meant it.
Was it a pity hug? Probably, which is not good I guess. I dont want him to pity me. Arggg i was doing so good. I should start a new thread...how to sabotage everything, just follow my advice lol


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Ok so you slipped by telling him you checked his phone. Its more of a problem that you said something than actually checking. Try to stop yourself in the futue but if you do....keep it to yourself! He is trying to gain confidence by watching those videos and working out not only for himself but to get attention from other women as well who can help feed his ego. I wouldn't compliment him unless he said something nice and it was in reciprication. I don't think I would let him hug or be affectionate either. I would tell him that its confusing and since you are bringing closure to this relationship you don't want any mixed messages or confusion. You can't provide him any safety or security with you now even if in his own mind. He needs to know without a doubt he is losing you and must do something signifcant about it not to. Otherwise I think you've been doing great and are holding yourself together, mostly in control in a way you weren't when you started your original thread. Keep it up.....you are getting stronger and however this ends up you will be ok!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_

I agree with you about not telling him what he needs to do to "impress" you. Only if he asks you.....then you can tell him. Remember .....your done....


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## hopeforbetter (Mar 20, 2013)

I'm Done...I mean I am acting done, because really I don't want to think that I am. I also truly believe that comes August if I keep at this he wont be going anywhere. I am not going to initiate any talk about this and unless he does, and I don't think he will and nothing will change. But, if we are still living like this though, as roommates, I think I will have to kick him out. WOW crazy how your mind set changes after the initial pain and shock.
UPDATE:
He comes home today, hes ok about everything, doesn't even mind that I looked on his phone he says as long as I don't do it again. I asked if he told the guys at work because hes telling me he tells them everything about us everyday. He said yeah he told them.

Later he asks if I am going with him to the pool and he looks all happy, I say NO SORRY I am going to the gym to work out.He asks again if I would rather go with him to the pool. I said no I had it t all planned out I want to go run and take the kid to drop in sports. Second night in a row that I turn him down for sports. He looked a little sad..I feel so bad I just want to run back to him and say, I will go with you.
I don't see how this is a good thing because sports is something we share, and now I keep turning him down. That's me wanting to be the mommy, and that's the problem in our relationship I think.He sees me as a mommy!!!

So I made him protein bars cause I felt bad...

I mean really if he wants to come he can just come...He has to put his Ego aside and man up. Keep strong 'all I can do!!!


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I know that you're not really done. In my opinion he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't tell you he doesn't love you and you can't do anything to change it yet still have your time, compliments, attention and affection. He needs to feel your abscence in order for things to change in a positive direction. Otherwise he feels safe and secure knowing you are there if he wants you while he actively prepares for life without you. I really think you need to have a conversation with him about th mixed messages he is sending you. He has been clear about what he wants and doesn't want...so what is he doing?? Set it on the table so you dont feel badly and he doesn't get to play this game. You don't need to ask him anything, just tell him your thoughts and feelings about it....what you want and dont want...

I think there is a good chance he doesn't go anywhere in august. He just needs to want this as badly as you do. He needs to realize that and admit it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopeforbetter (Mar 20, 2013)

Cooljay,
If your up to it go read it all from the beginnig theres a link somewhere above. Hes the one moving on. After a y of fighting I saw the love just die slowly, but I would still see it in his eyes at times, on-off After the last month of pure screaming hell, he said I'm done. And it was it. I see it, the love is dead in his eyes. To be quite honest its dead for me too right now. Maybe thats why its so easy for me to do the 180 at this point. The only difference is I am willing to make it work. Try to re-spark something, but hes not. Hes getting ready for a new life it seems like. 
Im going to keep at this but my biggest fera is we will just slowly drift apart and come August we will just be casual roommates.Its only been 2 weeks of 180 so I cant really say. 
I know he felt trapped. Hes a y man in a career w lots if other young man partying, having fun. He has never really done that. Has been with me since he was 18. I know theres a huge need for freedom. Maybe once he feels hes gained it back he will be able to open himself to me again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I see you moved Hope. 

I also see you having a hard time with the 180. A few missteps before you can run with it. 

Keep at it, it will get easier.


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