# please help



## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

I have been married for 31 years - great marriage with 3 grown kids. My husband had a radical prostatectomy for prostate cancer and ended up with ED. The treatments so far have been unsuccessful. There is the possibility that they will be successful in the future and that he will get better over time. My husband, who used to be a loving husband who was always after me sexually just shut down after his surgery. I told my husband that I am fine without intercourse but I cannot be in a marriage with no intimacy or affection. I am talking about hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc. at this point because I would never pressure my husband to do what he was incapable of doing. My husband has cut off all physical contact and affection. I have made my needs clear to him again and again but he does not touch me.

I asked my husband if he has lost his desire for me and he says no. I know that something is wrong. I know it is not me, it has to do with him. He won't open up to me or discuss it. I realize that ED is a tremendous deal for a man, that he must feel that he has lost his manhood, etc. I don't feel that me needing a physical relationship with him is asking too much.

Sometimes I am OK with it, and sometimes I feel so lonely and feel like I cannot take it. It is worst on weekends when he ignores me because that is when he would make love before he had his surgery. I am not the type to cheat. The thought never crossed my mind before prostate cancer. I believe that it is wrong in both a moral and religious sense, because it would be breaking my vows. I love my husband, I am very attracted to him and he is the man that I want. When I am constantly ignored however, I find myself thinking of going outside my marriage. I doubt that I would act on it, but I do think about it. I don't want to ever cheat. But the thought of it is like my emotional "out" when I feel so sad about his behavior.

Do you have any advice for me. I am trying to shut down my need for intimacy but it is not happening easily. I have always been a faithful and devoted wife. I would like to stay that way but I don't know how to cope with this situation.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Get yourself a vibrator and support him. He is severly depressed right now. This is a major blow to his manhood/ego. Now is not the time to be thinking about other people. Please be the one to start the hugs and kisses and let him know that you love him no matter what.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Is your husband in any kind of counseling/therapy? If not he should be.

Do you ever initiate intimacy? If so what is his reaction? If not why not?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Sometimes men feed off of your actions....if you're more loving/affectionate it might make him lighten up and become more affectionate with you. 

All you can do is try, right?
Dont expect anything back, if you do you will be setting yourself up for failure from the beginning. Give it some time and see if his actions towards you change.


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

These are good suggestions. I do occasionally approach him, but I should do it more. I am so used to him approaching me in the past. If I hug him he will hug me back but then quickly loses interest. 

I think the problem is that although he says he has not lost his desire for me that he has lost his libido. I don't know if it is due to emotional or physical reasons. I think that he is so upset that the treatments for ED are not working, that it is depressing him.

In the past he was affectionate when he wanted sex. The two are intertwined for him. Since he cannot have sex he has stopped being affectionate.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Try doing His Needs Her Needs together. Identifying each others most important needs might help right now.


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## Viola44 (Jan 28, 2013)

I agree with you. We need affection, kindness and intimacy also. How long ago did he have the surgery? Did you talk to his physician? Do you have hobby or interest to occupy your time? 
If H can take care of himself, taking a trip or to spend time with your children could be beneficial.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

May be it is too much of a deal for him to take lightly.May be he is not able to come out openly about how bad he feels about his current situation>May he feels sad about the way he ahs become and is so depressed.

Life throws so many questions at us.This one is a very tough time for you.I hope you find your happiness and peace back and so does your husband.May be empathy will work things out and ease your current problem.


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## thatgirll007 (Dec 14, 2010)

Amanda, after 31 years of marriage, you can do this. Right now, his needs come before yours. His whole identity as a man has shifted and any pressure on him has to be difficult for him to handle. Give him time and space to heal. Be affectionate and be honest about what you need, but be as compassionate as you can possibly be. I really think things will turn around for you when he's processed the changes in his body emotionally.


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

Thank you for your replies. I tried reading a book about improving your marriage recently but it had a fair amount of sexual advice and I really found it painful to read. I will look into reading His Needs Her Needs, but I find it too difficult to read about sexual advice for couples who are not facing the challenges that we are facing.

I am very gentle and supportive towards my husband. Everything I have expressed here I do not express to him. I am not demanding about intimacy. But I guess I am also in a state of crisis mourning the intimate relationship that we once had.

In the past our sexual relationship revolved around his needs and desires but it worked well for me. He has no history of being tuned into my needs for intimacy. He has been a good husband, but that is just how it worked for us.

I do think that he is deeply upset about his ED and cannot talk about it. He has never been one to express weakness. He is actually a very upbeat and positive person. He actually acts like everything is fine now. He just won't touch me. He acts like living like roommates is great.

I like the idea of spending more time with my children and finding a hobby. If I were busier it I would not think about this so much, and it would help to uplift my mood.

Thank you for your advice, comments and support. Maybe time will help to work this out.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It might be painful to read about sexual advice right now, but that might be exactly what you need to do. HNHN has a chapter on it, one chapter of many, identifying it as one need that it is very important be met in a marriage. It talks about men needing it, but if you can read about it from your own perspective, and work on it with your hubby from your perspective, I think you and he might really benefit from it.

It also identifies a host of other needs in a marriage, affection being the primary one for most women, and that chapter is before the sexual needs one  It really might open his eyes.


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

Ok Hope1964, I will buy it and read it. Thanks. 

I would like to say that I really appreciate all of the advice. I also appreciate that you have been somewhat hard on me, because what I really want is to have my marriage work.

Thank you thatgirl for those comforting words. I think that you are right about everything you wrote.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Just a quick note to say how much I admire you for posting this.

You are one of the "good guys" and if the world had more people like you, it would be a better place and that's for sure.

Stay strong and with you standing by your husband like this, I am sure you will both get through it.

Not much more I can add on the advice side, but, well, good on you.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OMG Amanda, your husband had CANCER. He could have DIED ! and because of an ILLNESS, he can't have sex at the moment, is feeling like less of "a man", and therefore is very depressed about it. Not to mention what all the treatments and meds he may be on are doing to him.

HOW ABOUT YOU CUT HIM SOME SLACK !! This is not about you right now. You have been his wife for 31 years, and when he needs you the most, your complaining ??

Remember that whole "In sickness and in health stuff from your wedding vows" ? People get sick sometimes. It sucks but its reality.

I lost my father to cancer and my mother lost a breast to that terrible disease. You need to step up here, stop making this about you right now, and do the right thing by your husband. Give the poor man time to heal both physically and emotionally and things will improve for the BOTH of you in time.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

barbados said:


> OMG Amanda, your husband had CANCER. He could have DIED ! and because of an ILLNESS, he can't have sex at the moment, is feeling like less of "a man", and therefore is very depressed about it. Not to mention what all the treatments and meds he may be on are doing to him.
> 
> HOW ABOUT YOU CUT HIM SOME SLACK !! This is not about you right now. You have been his wife for 31 years, and when he needs you the most, your complaining ??
> 
> ...


Wow.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

barbados - please don't be hard on the OP. If more spouses posted here before doing anything, we wouldn't need this forum. Which does contradict itself, but...


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Chris989 : I hear you. I was a little rough I admit, but cancer is a very sore spot for me. And honestly, I am trying to give Amanda a harsh "wake up call" perspective. This wasn't a WS, it was an illness. But again, I hear you. ):


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

Thank you for the nice words Chris. Your kind words mean a lot to me. 

Prostate cancer is not a very deadly cancer - only 3% of men die from it. The treatments are very harsh because they affect a man's identity and sexuality, thus it is a couple's disease. My husband needed treatment, but is very, very far from being at risk for death at this point.

I am trying to be a better person, and cope with this situation as well as I can. I have been completely supportive of my husband at every step. But I have spent a lot of time in tears as I experienced the intimacy in my marriage come to an abrupt halt. I do hope that it will come back over time. I also feel alone with this. While friends and family know that my husband had surgery no one knows about his ED. While I am talking about it here I would never discuss it with my friends; I feel it is personal. Your comments and suggestions are helping me to be a better person.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

amanda23 said:


> Thank you for the nice words Chris. Your kind words mean a lot to me.
> 
> Prostate cancer is not a very deadly cancer - only 3% of men die from it. The treatments are very harsh because they affect a man's identity and sexuality, thus it is a couple's disease. My husband needed treatment, but is very, very far from being at risk for death at this point.
> 
> I am trying to be a better person, and cope with this situation as well as I can. I have been completely supportive of my husband at every step. But I have spent a lot of time in tears as I experienced the intimacy in my marriage come to an abrupt halt. I do hope that it will come back over time. I also feel alone with this. While friends and family know that my husband had surgery no one knows about his ED. While I am talking about it here I would never discuss it with my friends; I feel it is personal. Your comments and suggestions are helping me to be a better person.


I've experienced it for a year, not because of prostate but because of diabetes, AD's and heart medication. Took a year to recover and it is truly like the end of the world to a man. He is depressed and feeling inadequate, especially because he feels he cant perform for you. I was at the point of not wanting to go on if that significant of a pleasure to me was lost. 

I'm assuming he had it removed. Did they sever nerves, if that's the case he may not ever recover. For a man, no erection means no orgasm, no orgasm is extremely frustrating. As men get aroused they have a chemical build up that drives them to completion, when it can't be completed it can be an hour before the arousal can come back down. It's torture during that time for a male. Sounds like he doesn't want to get aroused to avoid that.

That's my two cents.


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

He did have his prostate removed and had about 25% of his nerves removed. This means that he has a chance of recovering 75% of his prior erection capability by two years after surgery. He had no ED before his surgery. Apparently orgasm and erection are separate and a man can orgasm even if he cannot have an erection. The orgasm after prostate surgery is not the same because there is no ejaculate and does not feel the same. My husband says that he can have an orgasm. He has not has the orgasms with me - I guess that he is doing it on his own. I have suspected that this may be part of the problem. 

It is as if he has a new and different body. I think that his libido is lower. I guess we will just have to work things out with our new reality.

The truth is that I would never cheat on my husband but I have been mourning the end of our intimate life as we knew it. Thank you for your post jkw4338. I think that you understand what I am going through.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Amanda. This is a complicated situation and as been said. I commend you for coming here and looking to help improve your marriage without looking elsewhere. That's shows how much you value and respect your marriage.

On the other side of the coin, Barbados was harsh but you need to consider a little of what is said there. Here are things to keep in mind. I'm going to try and put them in a numerical order so you might see how your husband's issues are getting worse and not better. I'm also going to assume your husband loves you dearly (by how much he chased you prior to surgery).

1. Your husband loves (and loved) you TREMENDOUSLY. Wives think their husbands want sex all of the time because they're horn-dogs. The reality is a large part of a husband's sex drive towards his wife is because that's how we show love. When I make love to my wife, it's my biggest way to show her I love her.

2. Your husband was faced with cancer, that's a death sentence that you MIGHT beat. In other words, your husband faced his own mortality and also losing you and everything dear to him in life. Not a small thing

3. After surgery he has his life still but how he defined himself as a man, and MORE IMPORTANTLY as a husband and lover were taken away. Remember #1, sex is how he shows you love. It's his love communicator and now he doesn't have that and is lost on how to love you. More importantly, he's EXTREMELY insecure as a husband now because he can't "take care" of you.

4. Based on what you said, you've complained about the lack of intimacy. Yes you TELL him you crave other forms, but that's not what HE'S hearing. Every time you complain, he thinks about how he can't make love to you. Remember number 1. Then think about number 3, and now add his wife complaining about the level of intimacy. Your very insecure husband now feels like a complete and utter failure and worthless bag of skin. 

5. His negative feelings in number 3 compound and he becomes MORE depressed and MORE insecure and in turn MORE withdrawn.

There are some things that will help.

1. Marriage counseling and individual counseling. It's CRITICAL though that the marriage counseling isn't approached as a "fix what's broken" but from a stand point of "getting us back on track". and to help his mentality. I'm surprised his doctor didn't recommend counseling after a procedure like that.

2. The words from your mouth have to get away from what is wrong for you but what is right. Your husband needs more reassurance than you can muster and ZERO criticisms. Don't think of what your saying but think of how he'll hear it when deciding if something is a criticism.

3. If you want intimacy, TAKE IT! If he's sitting down watching a show, just go over and snuggle up to him. If he's in the recliner, ask him if he'd be willing to move to the couch. Pressure him if you have to because he'll probably be a little negative at first. These are the moments where he needs you the most. His negativity isn't that he doesn't want to, it's he feels he CAN'T! Show him in a positive way that you can.

Here's something to do. Tell him you want to rent a movie and have dinner in this saturday night. (or the next time there's nothing planned). lay out a blanket on the living room floor and have some take out (chinese, pizza whatever) laying on the floor together) and then watch the movie sitting on the couch together.

NOTHING ELSE. Just that. If you do enough of those things, he'll start to feel like he can love again.

EDIT: I also meant to add you say that you generally aren't the initiator because your husband always was. This role has to change. He needs you to initiate now. Not in words but actions.


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## hussy (Jan 28, 2013)

Oh Amanda, how I felt for you when I read this. Just a couple of days ago I posted a message looking for help and advice about the same problem. You can go have a look at my post if it would help.

I have had some unhelpful answers also which when you feel as bad as this does not help.

I think what people don't get is that more than the sex, it is the intimacy you miss. A loving caress. A warm cuddle. Sometimes, I just want someone to hold me, hug me, kiss my neck. Anything, just to have that human contact. Like you I would not be unfaithful for religious or moral reasons, but sometimes I do think that if someone gave me some attention or affection, it would be difficult to ignore it. I have always been a very tactile person and hug and kiss our children and friends frequently. But missing the touch of your husband is something else entirely. 

I hope things improve for you, and for me soon.

Good luck.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

hussy said:


> Oh Amanda, how I felt for you when I read this. Just a couple of days ago I posted a message looking for help and advice about the same problem. You can go have a look at my post if it would help.
> 
> I have had some unhelpful answers also which when you feel as bad as this does not help.
> 
> ...


I agree that intimacy is what Amanda needs, but most men think intimacy is sex because that is how they express it. Most of the time these other things are precursors to sex for a guy. I go back to the fact that he does not want to get aroused and get frustrated that he can't complete the act.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Many here think barbados was harsh, but I actually believe that the recognition of the cancer treatment is extremely important, not just for what it means in terms of H's sense of manhood, but his feelings about his life in general.

When someone faces a disease like cancer, he/she faces the issue of mortality head-on and it shakes the foundations. It really changes who you are. When the cancer is considered relatively curable, the people around you shrug it off and don't realize how frightened and off-balance you are. It changes your worldview in very serious ways. Your loved ones are so happy to hear that you will survive that they don't get how you are feeling inside.

Add to this how your H's illness has affected his manhood & you have a very different person in your life. He is mourning not only his image as a man, but his life as he knew it, quite literally. He has had to think very seriously about his own death & continues to think about it, no matter that his disease is considered curable or manageable.

It's hard to know where he will wind up in all of his emotional tumult, but I'm hoping that you will try to see things very much through his lens and go with that flow.

(fwiw, the closest female corollary may be how a woman feels after a mastectomy for a cancer that her doctors feel is survivable.)


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Many here think barbados was harsh, but I actually believe that the recognition of the cancer treatment is extremely important, not just for what it means in terms of H's sense of manhood, but his feelings about his life in general.
> 
> When someone faces a disease like cancer, he/she faces the issue of mortality head-on and it shakes the foundations. It really changes who you are. When the cancer is considered relatively curable, the people around you shrug it off and don't realize how frightened and off-balance you are. It changes your worldview in very serious ways. Your loved ones are so happy to hear that you will survive that they don't get how you are feeling inside.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

In in regards to the female corollary, the woman can still (as in has the physical ability) to have sex and complete the act of sex. This isn't about trying to compare or compete. One's not worse than the other, but there are more things impacted than physical appearance with what the OPs husband went through.

Also people need to be careful with the "his thought of his manhood". Our society throws the word "manhood" around and it truly desensitizes people to the psychological impact something like this has on a man. His entire identity as a husband was stripped from him and for any man who truly loves his wife, that's an incredible impact.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> In in regards to the female corollary, the woman can still (as in has the physical ability) to have sex and complete the act of sex. This isn't about trying to compare or compete. One's not worse than the other, but there are more things impacted than physical appearance with what the OPs husband went through.


For me, the mastectomy comparison is as close as a woman can come to understanding, not just because of the appearance issue. Just as a woman has a hard time really understanding what OP's H is feeling, a man can't really know what a woman feels in her special circumstances. So, a mastectomy isn't at all just about appearance. It strikes very deeply, to the core of a woman's sexuality. Many women feel that their lives as sexual beings are over once they have had this surgery. They feel completely undesirable and it can break them. I say this only to allow the OP to do her best to put the shoe on the other foot.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> For me, the mastectomy comparison is as close as a woman can come to understanding, not just because of the appearance issue. Just as a woman has a hard time really understanding what OP's H is feeling, a man can't really know what a woman feels in her special circumstances. So, a mastectomy isn't at all just about appearance. It strikes very deeply, to the core of a woman's sexuality. Many women feel that their lives as sexual beings are over once they have had this surgery. They feel completely undesirable and it can break them. I say this only to allow the OP to do her best to put the shoe on the other foot.


I think the OP is sensitive to the nature of what he has gone through and still going through. She wants to know how to help him and herself so that this does not turn into a lot of resentment and a failed marriage. 

Amanda I do not think any of us can truly offer up ways to do this. For this you probably need to seek professional help. I am not sure that I have seen this in your post but is he being treated for depression?


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

Thank you for your comments Dad&Hubby, hussy, jkw4338, and late Dame. There is a lot of wisdom in what everyone has posted. I especially appreciate your post Dad&Hubby because I don't really know how a man thinks and feels - my husband is not communicating with me. I know that my husband loves me and I do think that sex was his way of communicating that. I think that you are describing exactly what is happening. I am asking for hugs and kisses and he is thinking that he cannot perform. While I am actually not complaining but just gently indicating what my needs are, he may hear it differently.

I will also try to initiate contact, something that I am not in the habit of doing. In the past he was very sexually aggressive so I will have to adjust to the change. I am so used to him initiating things; I will have to learn to initiate. 

I read your recent posts hussy and I feel for you and hope things work out for you. You are going through the exact same thing that I am; your husband just has different medical issues then mine does.

Maybe your are right jaw4338. I recently asked my husband if he had lost his desire for me and his response was: "If I could get an erection I would xxxx the hell out of you right now". You got it right about intimacy and sex also - while I am craving intimacy he is equating intimacy with sex and doesn't want to start the first if he cannot do the second.

I also appreciate your comments alte Dame and will try to think more about how facing his mortality in addition to his manhood has affected him.

I chose to post on this board because I figured that men and women who had dealt with the consequences of infidelity would give me some "tough love" and great advice and I was right. I will refer to your words of wisdom again and again. I have not discussed this with anyone and having the opportunity to discuss it here has been very therapeutic for me.

I think I need to take one day at a time. I get afraid that the intimacy in my marriage is gone forever and panic, and I will try to take it day by day.


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

Jkw4338 said:


> I think the OP is sensitive to the nature of what he has gone through and still going through. She wants to know how to help him and herself so that this does not turn into a lot of resentment and a failed marriage.
> 
> I don't know how to put your quote into a box jkw4338 in my reply as everyone else does when they copy a quote. But what you wrote is exactly how I feel. I am very sensitive to what my husband is going through. I do feel that my needs are also valid.
> 
> ...


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

amanda23 said:


> Thank you for your comments Dad&Hubby, hussy, jkw4338, and late Dame. There is a lot of wisdom in what everyone has posted. I especially appreciate your post Dad&Hubby because I don't really know how a man thinks and feels - my husband is not communicating with me. I know that my husband loves me and I do think that sex was his way of communicating that. I think that you are describing exactly what is happening. I am asking for hugs and kisses and he is thinking that he cannot perform. While I am actually not complaining but just gently indicating what my needs are, he may hear it differently.
> 
> I will also try to initiate contact, something that I am not in the habit of doing. In the past he was very sexually aggressive so I will have to adjust to the change. I am so used to him initiating things; I will have to learn to initiate.
> 
> ...


Amanda, I truly feel for your situation. You're the shining example that, in a strong marriage, these issues impact BOTH parties dramatically.

Also Alte Dame, like I said, I wasn't trying to compare. I think your comparison is dead on, they are drastic changes to save your life but in doing to you lose a huge part of your personal perception of yourself. I'm lucky in that I've never dealt with either, but I truly feel for anyone who has. I can empathize, but you truly don't know the impact unless you've been through it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I have no good advice to share but I'm glad to read you got so good answers from so wise TAM residents.
Good luck.


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi Amanda I have prostate cancer and recently lost a 30 year relationship partly because it and partly of other problems i dont know if i can offer any advise on your man only after i lost my long relationship and my long term partner i felt destroyed and unwanted that was two nearly three years ago i went back to my consultant last Friday and had a very long chat with him he claimed that when i come of the hormone treatment in August things will return slowly back to normal and i should return to normal for a man of my age 68 my only piece of advice is stay with your man and help him through this trying time for him as well as you he is a jumble of feelings at the moment but he will recover I now have a new lady in my life i told her that i just cannot do stuff at the moment because of ed her reply was dont worry things will turn out ok and even if they dont it does not matter i am right behind you can you imagine how i felt after hearing those words on top of the world some one who cared so take of your man as i am sure he would if god forbid if you were in trouble of that sort Frank


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

Thank you Frank. I hope that things work out well with you both with your health challenges and with your new lady friend. Thank you for sharing your experience and for your advice.


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

I went back and reread the comments that were made to me. jtw, I stupidly did not realize that you were male. I thought you were a female writing about her husband. You were explaining to me how arousal works in a male and why my husband is avoiding me and you are right. He made a comment about a week ago about how he is attracted to me, but does not want to start being intimate with me because he is impotent. He used the word impotent, I don't ever use it when talking to him. Now I understand why he is avoiding intimacy.

I'm very glad I posted here because I have heard the male point of view. My husband has told me that he can experience sexual pleasure (orgasm) without having an erection but he does it by himself. Maybe over time he will again experience it with me, and that will make everything better. Thank you jtw for your input.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

amanda23 said:


> I went back and reread the comments that were made to me. jtw, I stupidly did not realize that you were male. I thought you were a female writing about her husband. You were explaining to me how arousal works in a male and why my husband is avoiding me and you are right. He made a comment about a week ago about how he is attracted to me, but does not want to start being intimate with me because he is impotent. He used the word impotent, I don't ever use it when talking to him. Now I understand why he is avoiding intimacy.
> 
> I'm very glad I posted here because I have heard the male point of view. My husband has told me that he can experience sexual pleasure (orgasm) without having an erection but he does it by himself. Maybe over time he will again experience it with me, and that will make everything better. Thank you jtw for your input.


You know if he can make himself orgasm he can teach you to do it as well. There is no reason he can't perform oral on you either or you for him. He is feeling like that is not good enough. He needs therapy whether he wants it or not. You can't will yourself out of depression, believe me I have experience in that one.


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

Hi everyone,

I thought I would post an update to my post of a few months ago. I got a lot of good advice and I acted on it. I read the book "His needs, her needs". After I read it I confronted my husband and told him, in very strong terms, about my need for intimacy and affection. He really heard me, and he changed. He became affectionate, and things got better from that point on. In fact, my original post seems very dated now. Those dark days are over.

My husband's ED treatments have become more successful. As he had some success, he became more confident. As he became more confident his libido increased and he became naturally affectionate. We have a long way to go to get our sex life back, but I am very happy with the way things are now.

The ideas that I got from this forum really did help me. Thanks.

Take care of your health guys, eat healthy, exercise. Prostate cancer treatment is brutal and will change your sex life permanently. While I am hopeful that there is light at the end of the tunnel for us, my two cents is to do everything that you can to avoid getting this disease.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Thats great new Amanda, Im glad to get a positive update! Keep doing what you are doing and working together and things will get better either way.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

amanda23 said:


> Take care of your health guys, eat healthy, exercise. Prostate cancer treatment is brutal and will change your sex life permanently. While I am hopeful that there is light at the end of the tunnel for us, my two cents is to do everything that you can to avoid getting this disease.


Good thing I jacked off a lot during my teens and twenties.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Such a great news!
Thanks for the update.
Good luck.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

amanda23 said:


> I have been married for 31 years - great marriage with 3 grown kids. My husband had a radical prostatectomy for prostate cancer and ended up with ED. The treatments so far have been unsuccessful. There is the possibility that they will be successful in the future and that he will get better over time. My husband, who used to be a loving husband who was always after me sexually just shut down after his surgery. I told my husband that I am fine without intercourse but I cannot be in a marriage with no intimacy or affection. I am talking about hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc. at this point because I would never pressure my husband to do what he was incapable of doing. My husband has cut off all physical contact and affection. I have made my needs clear to him again and again but he does not touch me.
> 
> I asked my husband if he has lost his desire for me and he says no. I know that something is wrong. I know it is not me, it has to do with him. He won't open up to me or discuss it. I realize that ED is a tremendous deal for a man, that he must feel that he has lost his manhood, etc. I don't feel that me needing a physical relationship with him is asking too much.
> 
> ...


I can only imagine how essential becoming totally unable to perform sexually can feel. Your husband has lost his manhood. His identity. I mean he probably feels like a disfuctional reject. He probably feels like you do want him anymore. He probably doesn't want to be affectionate because while his stuff doesn't work the urges and tension are still there. It must be torture. But if he can climax why don't you show him how he can use his other appendages to show you a good time too. If he refuses make him. This can be an obstacle or just a learning experience.


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

badbane,

My husband has not lost his manhood and his identity. His manhood to me is more than his erection. He is still a wonderful husband, father, son, brother and friend. He is a smart, successful man of unusual integrity. He doesn't feel like I don't want him anymore and I have never made him feel like a dysfunctional reject. I act very supportive and loving towards him. 

I had some dark times a few months ago when he withdrew from me physically and psychologically because of the stress of the side effects of surgery. We are working things out, and trying to make the best of what we do have. His treatments for ED are working better and we have some early signs that his nerves are starting to recover. It can take up to 2 years for the nerves to wake up after surgery, so it takes a lot of patience.

It has not been easy. I won't go into all of the details, but I can tell you that this recovery is very difficult. But however he may feel inside, I have never done anything to make him feel that he is not a complete man to me.


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