# Never thought in a million years



## mrwalters

Hello.
I have my story that I need to tell. I really need some insight into what to do.

My wife and I met 10 years ago, married for the last 3.5 years.
Most beautiful person in the world. Would never lie to me. Never once did I have to wonder about her. Never been loved by a more wonderful person
Soon after marrying I had to go out of town for months at a time to make money. We fought more often. She is a delicate person and I could say some harsh things to her. Looking back I realize how much that affected her.
The last time I was up north working I was having the most miserable time. She came to see me and I treated her like dirt. I was horrible. Soon after she left I started thinking long and hard about myself. I bought books and did some soul searching. She began to no answer her phone, which was not like her at all. She had stopped by to stay in CA for a week on her way home. Didnt answer her phone at all while there.
After a few weeks of missed calls and one word answer texts I became desperate to get back home. She then left to CA again for a week. I left my job up north and came back home ASAP.
She was different. She still acted like normal but she wold not kiss me. She wouldnt want me to touch her at all when we layed in bed at night. She would tell me she loved me.
After a few days I snooped and found a journal. My world started spinning. I couldnt believe what I was reading. She was telling about her affair with the man in CA. Talking about how horrible I was and putting down notes when she could leave. there were photographs of htem at dinner in an envelope.
I couldnt believe it. Not my wife. Never in a million years.
I confronted her. She admitted to it all and said she was going to tell me. she asked me what was next. I said divorce, you cant have me and him too, and you are leaving. She stated crying.
We decided to work on the marriage that night.
She unfriended him on FB and blocked him on her phone. I told her to write to him and tell him not to contact her. She did but she didnt show me the text. But I dodn believe her. A few days later I looked at her phone and he wasnt blocked. I confronted her and she said she wanted to see what he would say to her. She said she was sorry and it wouldnt happen again.
I really made some big changes. I took a job at home, quit my northern job. we started going to church and nice dates. I read tons of books (five love languages) and honestly made a decision to change my ways from making her sad. I enjoyed rubbing her feet, bringing her flowers, etc. I was doing my best. And not just to win her back, but because I knew how much I loved her and I was going to be sure that she never felt down enough again to ever have an affair. I knew what led up to the affair was my fault, even though she is the one who did it.
I did break down a few times about the affair in front of her, crying. But no fights.

last tuesday i told her i loved her as I left to work, gave her a long hug goodbye. I could see she was sad. I figured she was regretting the affair and we could talk about it later. We would see a counselor if needed. I got a long text message at the end of my work day.

This is what it said
"I don't know how to break your heart. And I don't know how to stay. I'm so sorry.

I went from being the most loyal wife to someone that would have an affair. I never meant to hurt you. I still don't want you to be hurting. And I know you are. I am too. I don't know how to forgive you for all of these years. The bad times run like a loop in my head - no worse than that - those memories run a loop through my heart. I feel every word over and over. I see and feel every disappointed look. Every embarrassed look. It was killing me slowly and all I wanted was you to love me.

I cheated. That was terrible to do to you. I am so sorry that I was a coward and didn't tell you first. I needed to feel beautiful and wanted and adored.

I am a shell of the person I used to be. I want to be whole again.

You are working on you. This is just a season. Im glad you are learning so much and you won't be sad forever. I found some of your notes and I understand now how we happened and all that you were missing. I tried to be everything you needed. But that isn't how love is supposed to be. You shouldn't try to love me "anyway" even though I'm not the things you want. I shouldn't "try" to make you love me.

I believe in you. I know you will do great things. I know you will go far. But you need a better first mate. Someone that can love you whole again. Shine at your new job. Take care of all the things you have control over. You control you. Be proud of all we have done. All the places we have been.

I'm leaving the cats with you. Kills me to leave you all. They helped me through some of my darkest days. Don't forget that grayey needs one on one attention - more so than orangie and orangie needs his belly rubbed at least once a day. They don't like plastic water.

Please spend time with xxxx, yyyyyyy and zzzzz. Let them help you through this.

You can tell people I cheated if that helps you. Hate me if it helps you. Bash me if it helps you. Make me look like the horrible person I am if it helps you. If it helps you save face.

You don't have to worry about my medical insurance and I'll pay the car off this month. I'll get my own car insurance. Things will be easier with me gone financially. I know I haven't been a help - only a burden. I appreciate all that you have done for me and for us. We sacrificed too much for too long.

I couldn't tell you this in person. I wanted to but I knew you wouldn't let me leave. And I couldn't stand to see the hurt in your eyes. I love you. You don't want to be alone and I understand that. You don't want to fail and I understand that. We didn't fail at love. We love hard. We still love each other. We failed at marriage.

I'm sorry you are walking into an empty house. I'm sorry I don't have the courage to say it's over to your face. I tried. I couldn't do it.

I'm telling my parents that I moved out. I'm telling them some of what happened with us and some of what I did. Please don't contact them - not for a while. I won't let them hate you. They love you.

I don't want to talk for a couple days. Please. You can email or text me. I will respond tomorrow. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. You said you wanted me to be happy. I can't be happy here. I'm too sad. There is too much hurt to get over. You said you wanted me to be happy. I want you to be happy and the only way I can do that for you is to pretend everything is okay. I don't want to do that again. I want real happiness like what we had at the beginning before it all got messed up. Before all the bad.

I don't want to not be in your life. But right now we need to be apart. Don't call my friends looking for me. You can text and email and I will respond.

I love you. I will love you forever. But it hurts too much. I hope you can forgive me someday. Please forgive me. I can't breathe knowing you hate me. I can't breathe knowing you are hurting. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

You can text me or email and I'll answer you tomorrow. But I can't talk on the phone with you for a few days. Go to work and do all the things you need to do. We will talk. I promise.
I love you Joe. I'm so sorry. Forgive me. Hate me if you need to. But forgive me."

she left me and left to CA.

I died inside.

She has only seen him in person for about a week total before she left. Probably talked to him on FB for a month. 
This is totally unlike her. I have been reading about affairs and it seems like she fits some of the patterns of it. However she is my wife and unique.
I realize typing this all of what happens seems very obvious, but to me it is devastating and I had no clue it would happen.

Its been a week. We have texted a few times. She has not called me but she told my good friend she will.

I text her pictures of a letter I wrote her. One stating why I knew she left, she was lonely, upset, didnt know how to stay.
the second stated how I would hold onto our marriage and I would remain faithful to her, and that I expected the same out of her, but I could not force her to do anything.

I desperately want my wife back. She is a delicate person. She has text me a few times stating that she doesnt know how to be there and she doesnt know how to be home, that she is so sad she cant breathe.

I bought liam nadens 7 day program to stop your divorce. "living in love for life"
I have been talking to a few good friends about it, they couldnt believe what was happening.

I desperately want my wife back. I dont know what to do to facilitate that. I realize that it is her decision but I need some advice. Real advice. 
I have decided that I will commit myself to getting our marriage back together and am trying to establish a timeline where I will try before giving up.
I am going to a counseling group at church later this week. 
I feel she wants to come home many times but she also wants happiness, and she doesnt think she will have it with me.

please advise.


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## Lostinthought61

Walter I need to ask is the OM completely out of the picture?
You can't start to regain her if he is in the picture...don't you agree


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## mrwalters

She is living with him I assume.. So yes she is with him. 
She wants to talk to me. I need advice on what to say and do


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## GusPolinski

mrwalters said:


> She is living with him I assume.. So yes she is with him.
> She wants to talk to me. I need advice on what to say...


"Never contact me again. Goodbye forever."



mrwalters said:


> ...and do


She's gone. Let her go. Cut her out of your life and move on.

File for divorce ASAP.


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## mrwalters

Do you really think it could be over that quickly. It all happened in the course of a month. 
I realize that to you it is cut and dry but should I really file for divorce right away. Don't some people do this because they are having a mid life crisis and then snap out of it. Etc


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## Openminded

Do you mean if things don't work out with their affair partner and so they want to return home? Yes, that happens. It's called being Plan B. Some spouses take them back and some don't. I doubt you'll get much encouragement here to wait for her to wake up and come home but it's your life and if that's what you want then that's what you want. You may or may not get that but while you're waiting on her to choose you it would be helpful to read as much as you can about walk away wives.


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## inhope

mrwalters said:


> *Soon after marrying* I had to go out of town for months at a time to make money. We fought more often. She is a delicate person and I could say some harsh things to her. Looking back I realize how much that affected her.
> The last time I was up north working I was having the most miserable time. She came to see me and I treated her like dirt. I was horrible.


This didn't just happen over the course of a month, she had 3.5 years of her love slowly dying
Harsh words and being treated like dirt, erode the soul, it is called emotional abuse and is very damaging to a person.

YOU changed your mindset eventually, but it was far too late, she had already left the building, not physically perhaps but emotionally. 
She then sees a real way out of all this mess, and that is the man in CA. 
_"I needed to feel beautiful and wanted and adored."_ and that is the bottom line here. 
He may be her soulmate, he may merely be a stopgap, but the need to feel beautiful, wanted and adored is a basic need and no matter how much you try to make things right again, it will always be sullied by the times you made her feel ugly, unwanted and hated.
I think she is truly done here, you need to let her go.


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## Mr.Fisty

Work on yourself and realize that actions have consequences, and marriage is not a guarantee that people will stick around, especially when someone is distant and abusive.

Look at it logically, you abandoned her first emotionally. She most likely created a wall to block you out as a defense mechanism. You tore down her self worth, making her emotionally vulnerable. She acted out of emotions instead of logic.

You caused the emotional instability in your wife.

The idea is not to win her back, but learn and move on. Whether she comes back or not is not where the primary focus should be. If your behavior does not change, odds are, any partner you have from here on forwards will either cheat or just walk away from you. And there is only so much books can do. You need to look at the core issues of how you ended up with this type of behavior.

Your wife needs help herself on why she stayed with someone who treated her poorly. She needs to be more independent and place boundaries so no one can diminish her self worth. Then she would not need to go and seek external validation.

If I were giving her advice, I would tell her not to return to you either and work on her own issues. If you both wanted to save the marriage, because the relationship aspect was dead long ago, then you both need to show progress. She needs boundary skills and independence, and you need to work on your intimacy, communication, and anger issues.

Some on here will blame her since infidelity is the main focus that ended the marriage. I will focus on the catalyst and state that you destroyed her bond to you, ending the relationship first. How can you have a relationship without reciprocity. You shut her out, ending the relationship whether you wanted to or not. Relationships requires sharing and giving on an intimate level. Analyze your actions and see if I am correct.

My advice is to work on yourself and you could be in a relationship again someday. And this relationship will be healthier and at least on your own end, you have a chance of a fulfilling one. Who knows, the next person may be more compatible with the new you. But change is a slow process.


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## rgol

*You need to work on yourself.*

She may be going through a mid-life crisis. Who knows...Doing a 180 so quickly sounds like one. How old are you two?

The thing is, this situation is really about her, not you. She may say all she wanted was to feel beautiful and wanted and adored and that may be all true. However, having an affair and running away from her problems (or perceived ones) is not how adults manage life. There is nothing wrong with you. You did not have the affair. There is no competition for you to 'win her back' against OM. You may have made mistakes in your marriage, but there are better ways to solve those issues than checking out and leaving.

It is clear she may feel remorse, guilt and shame. However, women rationalize their behavior in may ways and say just about anything. My wife said the same 'crap' to me. Sorry buddy, you are no unique snowflake. There are thousands of men on this board whose wives said 'you deserve to be with somebody who loves you the way you want to be loved' blah, blah blah. It is their way of making themselves feel better about the situation they created. Women run on pure emotion and right now, it is has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with how she feels about you right this very minute.

The only advice I can give you is that the more you pursue her, the more you will repel her away. You need to do a 180 yourself and keep making a 'better you'. I promise you as much as it hurts, that is the only way you will get her back. Let her go for now and leave her to figure out what she wants. The reality is that she 'thinks' by leaving you, she can solve her problems. The truth is that no matter where she goes, she still has to take herself there and live with it.

The OM is a diversion. It will not last and she will want to come home at some point. If you have detached and have been working on yourself, you will be much stronger and you may not want her back. Be strong. You are not her back-up plan for her to keep 'waiting in the wings' while she figures things out.


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## afab

You want her back. May one ask why. While you had her at first you didnt treat her properly so you say. Again may one ask why. That you were miserable isnt the best excuse. I would suggest that you thought you could do what you wanted with her. Whatever that may be. She has shown you that it isnt like that. You now have started to appreciate her and believe you can still get her back. This may be so. But you also have to consider that it may not be.


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## toonaive

GusPolinski said:


> "Never contact me again. Goodbye forever."
> 
> 
> 
> She's gone. Let her go. Cut her out of your life and move on.
> 
> File for divorce ASAP.


This! You cannot nice her back. Work on yourself, and do the 180. I know it sounds counter intuitive, but, In order to have a very small chance at saving your marriage, you have to risk ending it. In the event it does end, (and the odds are it will) you will be better for yourself. The faster you act with the divorce, the better off you will be, while she is in affair land.


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## GusPolinski

And now for another 2x4...



inhope said:


> This didn't just happen over the course of a month, she had 3.5 years of her love slowly dying
> Harsh words and being treated like dirt, erode the soul, it is called emotional abuse and is very damaging to a person.
> 
> YOU changed your mindset eventually, but it was far too late, she had already left the building, not physically perhaps but emotionally.
> She then sees a real way out of all this mess, and that is the man in CA.
> _"I needed to feel beautiful and wanted and adored."_ and that is the bottom line here.
> He may be her soulmate, he may merely be a stopgap, but the need to feel beautiful, wanted and adored is a basic need and no matter how much you try to make things right again, it will always be sullied by the times you made her feel ugly, unwanted and hated.
> I think she is truly done here, you need to let her go.


OP, all of ^this^ is fair commentary. A man cannot reasonably expect that he can do these things to his wife and and that she WON'T, at some point, essentially "check out" of their marriage.

And yes, your WW's decision to engage in an affair is 100% on her. That said, you contributed significantly to the damage of your marriage, which likely played no small part in creating the type of marital environment in which your WW _could_ cheat.

Let this serve as a lesson to you. When you have a woman in your life worth loving, LOVE HER IN EVERY WAY THAT YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

Be slow to anger.

Never criticize w/o offering an alternative POV, and in as constructive a manner as possible.

Apologize when you KNOW you've been an ass... but ONLY for being an ass, at least if the point that you were trying to make was valid.

Never go to bed angry w/ one another... _and ESPECIALLY not when you're hundreds of miles away from one another_.

Let her go. Apologize to her if you want, but let her go.


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## GusPolinski

mrwalters said:


> Do you really think it could be over that quickly. It all happened in the course of a month.
> I realize that to you it is cut and dry but should I really file for divorce right away. Don't some people do this because they are having a mid life crisis and then snap out of it. Etc


Give us some credit. Many of us here have been through this before and, as such, we know that it's not as simple as we make it sound. _Or at least it doesn't *seem* that way in the beginning._

But, honestly, at the end of it all... it really is.


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## ToothFairy

perhaps you should have thought about it at least once in those million years. I do not feel sorry for you... I feel sorry for your wife. Why in the world would you treat your "delicate" wife like dirt?! She deserves a better life and I hope she moves on and stays gone. You should get yourself in some therapy and figure out your issues. Maybe the next woman in your life will fare better.


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## ConanHub

You need to expose her now! Far and wide to everyone. She doesn't want you contacting her friends or family because she is lying to them.

She never stopped her affair.

Exposure is an affair killer. Find out about OM and expose him too.

Divorce may still very well happen but at least she won't be comfortable committing adultery.

Do the 180. Stop supporting her emotionally! Go dark on her. Only talk business with her concerning the divorce.

She has to see that her affair isn't as attractive in the light and that it will cost her anything and everything to do with your marriage.

You can't own your part in the marriage until the affair is over.

If she cuts off the affair and busts her ass at reconciliation, you can work your ass off at owning your bad choices and being a better husband.

Or, if you are wired that way, buy His Needs Her Needs and follow Harley's plan A for six months to a year and maybe she will get tired of her AP and go for you. I don't recommend it though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya

There's an awful lot to this story that we are clearly missing.

It's very unclear as to how you mistreated your wife, however given her decision, it looks like she's done and gone anyway.

She tells a good story (or you write a good story from her lips) but honestly IMO, she's probably enjoying time with the OM (or some other guy) and has mentally dumped you.

Carry on. Learn to appreciate what you have next time.


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## Lostinthought61

So let me understand this....she left you for the guy she is having the affair with, but she loves......but instead of working on herself alone she is having sex with is guy and you still want her....please explain this to me....and please don't tell me because you love her....you are both obviously no good for each other, and if she came back i promise you this secretly, you will ALWAYS resent her for this and i mean ALWAYS....so please move on and divorce her....and just work on yourself....maybe in 5 or 10 years you both might be ready but not now...not here. you can deny this all you want but deep down you know its true. you need to find help to get over this and repair yourself. you can't fix her you can only fix yourself.


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## Orange_Pekoe

mrwalters said:


> Hello.
> I have my story that I need to tell. I really need some insight into what to do.
> 
> My wife and I met 10 years ago, married for the last 3.5 years.
> Most beautiful person in the world. Would never lie to me. Never once did I have to wonder about her. Never been loved by a more wonderful person
> Soon after marrying I had to go out of town for months at a time to make money. We fought more often. She is a delicate person and I could say some harsh things to her. Looking back I realize how much that affected her.
> The last time I was up north working I was having the most miserable time. She came to see me and I treated her like dirt. I was horrible. Soon after she left I started thinking long and hard about myself. I bought books and did some soul searching. She began to no answer her phone, which was not like her at all. She had stopped by to stay in CA for a week on her way home. Didnt answer her phone at all while there.
> After a few weeks of missed calls and one word answer texts I became desperate to get back home. She then left to CA again for a week. I left my job up north and came back home ASAP.
> She was different. She still acted like normal but she wold not kiss me. She wouldnt want me to touch her at all when we layed in bed at night. She would tell me she loved me.
> After a few days I snooped and found a journal. My world started spinning. I couldnt believe what I was reading. She was telling about her affair with the man in CA. Talking about how horrible I was and putting down notes when she could leave. there were photographs of htem at dinner in an envelope.
> I couldnt believe it. Not my wife. Never in a million years.
> I confronted her. She admitted to it all and said she was going to tell me. she asked me what was next. I said divorce, you cant have me and him too, and you are leaving. She stated crying.
> We decided to work on the marriage that night.
> She unfriended him on FB and blocked him on her phone. I told her to write to him and tell him not to contact her. She did but she didnt show me the text. But I dodn believe her. A few days later I looked at her phone and he wasnt blocked. I confronted her and she said she wanted to see what he would say to her. She said she was sorry and it wouldnt happen again.
> I really made some big changes. I took a job at home, quit my northern job. we started going to church and nice dates. I read tons of books (five love languages) and honestly made a decision to change my ways from making her sad. I enjoyed rubbing her feet, bringing her flowers, etc. I was doing my best. And not just to win her back, but because I knew how much I loved her and I was going to be sure that she never felt down enough again to ever have an affair. I knew what led up to the affair was my fault, even though she is the one who did it.
> I did break down a few times about the affair in front of her, crying. But no fights.
> 
> last tuesday i told her i loved her as I left to work, gave her a long hug goodbye. I could see she was sad. I figured she was regretting the affair and we could talk about it later. We would see a counselor if needed. I got a long text message at the end of my work day.
> 
> This is what it said
> "I don't know how to break your heart. And I don't know how to stay. I'm so sorry.
> 
> I went from being the most loyal wife to someone that would have an affair. I never meant to hurt you. I still don't want you to be hurting. And I know you are. I am too. I don't know how to forgive you for all of these years. The bad times run like a loop in my head - no worse than that - those memories run a loop through my heart. I feel every word over and over. I see and feel every disappointed look. Every embarrassed look. It was killing me slowly and all I wanted was you to love me.
> 
> I cheated. That was terrible to do to you. I am so sorry that I was a coward and didn't tell you first. I needed to feel beautiful and wanted and adored.
> 
> I am a shell of the person I used to be. I want to be whole again.
> 
> You are working on you. This is just a season. Im glad you are learning so much and you won't be sad forever. I found some of your notes and I understand now how we happened and all that you were missing. I tried to be everything you needed. But that isn't how love is supposed to be. You shouldn't try to love me "anyway" even though I'm not the things you want. I shouldn't "try" to make you love me.
> 
> I believe in you. I know you will do great things. I know you will go far. But you need a better first mate. Someone that can love you whole again. Shine at your new job. Take care of all the things you have control over. You control you. Be proud of all we have done. All the places we have been.
> 
> I'm leaving the cats with you. Kills me to leave you all. They helped me through some of my darkest days. Don't forget that grayey needs one on one attention - more so than orangie and orangie needs his belly rubbed at least once a day. They don't like plastic water.
> 
> Please spend time with xxxx, yyyyyyy and zzzzz. Let them help you through this.
> 
> You can tell people I cheated if that helps you. Hate me if it helps you. Bash me if it helps you. Make me look like the horrible person I am if it helps you. If it helps you save face.
> 
> You don't have to worry about my medical insurance and I'll pay the car off this month. I'll get my own car insurance. Things will be easier with me gone financially. I know I haven't been a help - only a burden. I appreciate all that you have done for me and for us. We sacrificed too much for too long.
> 
> I couldn't tell you this in person. I wanted to but I knew you wouldn't let me leave. And I couldn't stand to see the hurt in your eyes. I love you. You don't want to be alone and I understand that. You don't want to fail and I understand that. We didn't fail at love. We love hard. We still love each other. We failed at marriage.
> 
> I'm sorry you are walking into an empty house. I'm sorry I don't have the courage to say it's over to your face. I tried. I couldn't do it.
> 
> I'm telling my parents that I moved out. I'm telling them some of what happened with us and some of what I did. Please don't contact them - not for a while. I won't let them hate you. They love you.
> 
> I don't want to talk for a couple days. Please. You can email or text me. I will respond tomorrow. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. You said you wanted me to be happy. I can't be happy here. I'm too sad. There is too much hurt to get over. You said you wanted me to be happy. I want you to be happy and the only way I can do that for you is to pretend everything is okay. I don't want to do that again. I want real happiness like what we had at the beginning before it all got messed up. Before all the bad.
> 
> I don't want to not be in your life. But right now we need to be apart. Don't call my friends looking for me. You can text and email and I will respond.
> 
> I love you. I will love you forever. But it hurts too much. I hope you can forgive me someday. Please forgive me. I can't breathe knowing you hate me. I can't breathe knowing you are hurting. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
> 
> You can text me or email and I'll answer you tomorrow. But I can't talk on the phone with you for a few days. Go to work and do all the things you need to do. We will talk. I promise.
> I love you Joe. I'm so sorry. Forgive me. Hate me if you need to. But forgive me."
> 
> she left me and left to CA.
> 
> I died inside.
> 
> She has only seen him in person for about a week total before she left. Probably talked to him on FB for a month.
> This is totally unlike her. I have been reading about affairs and it seems like she fits some of the patterns of it. However she is my wife and unique.
> I realize typing this all of what happens seems very obvious, but to me it is devastating and I had no clue it would happen.
> 
> Its been a week. We have texted a few times. She has not called me but she told my good friend she will.
> 
> I text her pictures of a letter I wrote her. One stating why I knew she left, she was lonely, upset, didnt know how to stay.
> the second stated how I would hold onto our marriage and I would remain faithful to her, and that I expected the same out of her, but I could not force her to do anything.
> 
> I desperately want my wife back. She is a delicate person. She has text me a few times stating that she doesnt know how to be there and she doesnt know how to be home, that she is so sad she cant breathe.
> 
> I bought liam nadens 7 day program to stop your divorce. "living in love for life"
> I have been talking to a few good friends about it, they couldnt believe what was happening.
> 
> I desperately want my wife back. I dont know what to do to facilitate that. I realize that it is her decision but I need some advice. Real advice.
> I have decided that I will commit myself to getting our marriage back together and am trying to establish a timeline where I will try before giving up.
> I am going to a counseling group at church later this week.
> I feel she wants to come home many times but she also wants happiness, and she doesnt think she will have it with me.
> 
> please advise.


I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's very difficult and reading your post brought tears to my eyes.

Getting her back is not the end of the story. Getting her back is only the tip of the iceberg. Once you have her back, how will she be able to get past the resentment? She definitely will not forget the past. As she said, she has a deep sadness in her...so deep that she has left a man she loves. 

You can read a book about stopping your divorce, but what happens after? You are not responsible for her happiness anymore, because the damage has been done. Even if you are a wonderful husband 100% of the time hereon in, will that truly allow both of you to get over the past and live a fruitful, trusting and successful life together?

These are the questions I am struggling with right now, because I chose to allow my husband to move in with me after a 1 year separation. I love him a lot, yet I can't get over the past. It's causing me to feel depressed. Do you want this for yourself and your wife?

Think long and hard before you decide to somehow win her back.


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## Orange_Pekoe

Also - how can you be accepting of her after knowing she's had an affair? You will resent her for it. Think about that as well.


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## mrwalters

Wow. Everything all over the board here. 
Many of you are right. 
Hearing you tell me that I caused it by crushing her soul... You are probably dead right. 
Wow. 

She is a beautiful person. The best ever. 
She probably doesn't see a way to be with me after all of this. 

I realize that I desperately want her back. 
That is do anything. Try anything. 
Even post on this site. 
I am really reaching. 
It's been a week of me sobbing. Yesterday it turned into something else. Then I posted here. 
You are right. I must work on myself. I am going to counseling next. 
If she were to come back that would be great. She sees so much more than me. 
And I could get over it. I know I could. 
I've been blaming her this past few days. I've been so hurt. She just wants to be happy. 
But honestly we were happy many times. But there were too many bad times lately. 
I need to control myself and my words. I realized that. I was doing that. But it was too late for her. 
Lord help me.


----------



## GusPolinski

mrwalters said:


> Wow. Everything all over the board here.
> Many of you are right.
> *Hearing you tell me that I caused it* by crushing her soul... You are probably dead right.
> Wow.
> 
> She is a beautiful person. The best ever.
> She probably doesn't see a way to be with me after all of this.
> 
> I realize that I desperately want her back.
> That is do anything. Try anything.
> Even post on this site.
> I am really reaching.
> It's been a week of me sobbing. Yesterday it turned into something else. Then I posted here.
> You are right. I must work on myself. I am going to counseling next.
> If she were to come back that would be great. She sees so much more than me.
> And I could get over it. I know I could.
> I've been blaming her this past few days. I've been so hurt. She just wants to be happy.
> But honestly we were happy many times. But there were too many bad times lately.
> I need to control myself and my words. I realized that. I was doing that. But it was too late for her.
> Lord help me.


Hold up there, Cowboy... _we didn't say that you *caused it*, per se._ You did, however (and by your own admission), do some pretty significant damage to your relationship w/ your wife, and it's likely that the compromised state of said relationship contributed to her decision to engage in an affair. I realize that the difference between the two concepts may seem trivial (at least initially), but it's important to note that the different exists, and here is why...

No one can truly ever MAKE someone else do a thing. You can attempt to bribe, convince, cajole, harass, threaten, etc... but you can never MAKE another person do something that he or she doesn't WANT to do, and even if he or she"wants" to do it only so that an undesirable consequence doesn't come about.

In the end, the decision will always rest w/ the person _doing_ the thing, whatever that happens to be.

If, after all you've endured, you still want your wife back, I'd advise making one (and ONLY one) last-ditch effort at it... but that's it. If she waffles or isn't receptive, you need to close the door and be done w/ both her and your marriage, immediately and permanently.

To do it, you'd need to reply to the text message that she sent (the one that you quoted in your first post) in a VERY specific way.

If you want to do this, I have some input that I'd like to offer. Feel free to send me a PM if you like.


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## commonsenseisn't

mrwalters said:


> She is a beautiful person. The best ever.
> 
> I realize that I desperately want her back. .


Bullsh!t. A cheater is not a beautiful person or the best ever. You are in la la land and need to stop getting bogged down in all the trivial details that detract from the real issue. 

After you have worn yourself out in an ultimate stalemate you will finally realize you were a fool for wanting her back. 

I qualify to give you this tough love because many years ago I was just as pathetic as you and finally learned my lesson. 

I just hope you don't have to suffer as badly or as long as I did before you see the light.


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## jb02157

I seem to recall several times on this site that men committing affairs were totally at fault of everything when the shoe was on the other foot. It did take a conscience action by her to continue the affair. Yes the OP contributed to what happened but certainly did not cause it or make it happen. She's a coward, she committed the affair then didn't even have the guts to tell you she was leaving you. I think you're better off without her.


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## Dude007

Here is your solution and you need to act fast

#1 - Expose the affair to everyone and anyone that she cares about their impression of her, Especially her parents. Do it all at once as fast as you can contact all these friends/relatives and tell them you are wanting to save your marriage. Use Facebook if that is plausible. <-Ends the affair or causes major conflict in it.

#2 - Once she finds and is pissed beyond imagination, tell her politely that you both have things to work on and she needs to come home and work on the marriage or you are filing for divorce immediately. <-Come home to me or I'm filing ends fence sitting

#3 - Once she is back, explain what you realize you did wrong in the marriage and how hard you are willing to work on yourself and the marriage. Be strong and confident that you all can get back what you once had in the marriage. <-Starts the healing process

I'm here to help!! DUDE


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## Marduk

Realize, you have exactly one play here with very low odds of success.

But it's your only play.

Go dark. Rebuild your life. Start to breathe, start to move on. Go talk to a lawyer.

She may snap out of this, she may not. But if you sit there with your arms wide open and tears in your eyes, all that's going to do is give her a safe harbour while she goes off exploring her new life.

But I'm not going to lie to you. The odds are not in your favour. You didn't treat her well, she cheated on you, and now is gone. 

Let her go. 

If she comes back on her own, maybe you can make a go of it.


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## Yeswecan

mrwalters said:


> Do you really think it could be over that quickly. It all happened in the course of a month.
> I realize that to you it is cut and dry but should I really file for divorce right away. Don't some people do this because they are having a mid life crisis and then snap out of it. Etc


It appears this has happened over a period of years. The OM is just a new twist. You stated that you were not the best husband, etc. Resentment grows. Detachment begins.


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## Yeswecan

mrwalters said:


> She is a beautiful person. The best ever.
> She probably doesn't see a way to be with me after all of this.


As someone stated, beautiful and best ever persons do not commit infidelity.


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## Dude007

Dude007 said:


> Here is your solution and you need to act fast
> 
> #1 - Expose the affair to everyone and anyone that she cares about their impression of her, Especially her parents. Do it all at once as fast as you can contact all these friends/relatives and tell them you are wanting to save your marriage. Use Facebook if that is plausible. <-Ends the affair or causes major conflict in it.
> 
> #2 - Once she finds and is pissed beyond imagination, tell her politely that you both have things to work on and she needs to come home and work on the marriage or you are filing for divorce immediately. <-Come home to me or I'm filing ends fence sitting
> 
> #3 - Once she is back, explain what you realize you did wrong in the marriage and how hard you are willing to work on yourself and the marriage. Be strong and confident that you all can get back what you once had in the marriage. <-Starts the healing process
> 
> I'm here to help!! DUDE


THIS CAN BE FIXED!!! Its not gone yet.....Send me a private message if you really want to fix this but know its gonna be a LOT OF WORK. I'm here to help DUDE


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## Mr.Fisty

You did not make her cheat. You had a hand in the protective wall that she has erected against you. You are a high source of pain, and she developed self defensive mechanism against you in form of finding an escape route.

An understanding of what is going on with her will help.

Your chances are low. When she thinks about you, you are associated with pain. Leave her be for the moment.

Tell her family and friends the truth, not that she just cheated on you, but the way you treated her as well because that will all be taken out of context. Apologize for destroying that relationship and trust, promise that you will change and grow into a better person. Seek help from a therapist.

If you just state that she cheated on you and they find out that you emotionally abandoned her and verbally abused her, they will think you tried manipulating them. Give them the complete picture.

If she comes back, she will need to work on her boundary skills so she can walk away from you if you cross that boundary again.

And you have to want to change, not for her, but yourself first because you want to love the person you see in the mirror. Do not change for her because that would make her into your crutch, more codependent on her, which is not fair for her either.

Prove to those close around her that you can change by performing the actions to change.

You are not a changed man yet, you're reactionary to your situation. Change is a slow process and takes time.

But do not wait for her forever. Detach as well. Learn to forgive yourself and move on. The next relationship will be a better one, because you will be a better person.

Let her friends and family be the advocate for you. She has that erected wall. They will have her ear because she will have a trust level for them. Let your hard work be the proof that the marriage is worth saving. And if it does not work, be more confident in yourself that you will be able to move on and some things are beyond repairing. That is why forgiving yourself is important, so you can move on. We are not guaranteed to be forgiven by others, but it does not mean we cannot move forwards in life.


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## mrwalters

So this is some good advice now. 
It has been one week to the day that she left. 
I am not 100 percent certain she moved in with the guy, she could be living w a couple that is friends w him. However I doubt it makes much difference. 

She said she was going to call me. Instead she emailed me. This is what she said. 
"I see you are enjoying your job. I'm glad. I knew it was a natural choice for you. Are you completely done with Northern job now? Since I saw you posted a boat sale I kinda figured you were. How are you doing? How are the cats? "

Soooo......
I don't know what to say to this. Do I answer the small talk and then we become email pals? Or do I say I deserve a phone call. Or do I ignore the email and wait for a call. Seriously?!


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## Yeswecan

It's ok to respond. Yes, northern job is done. Just one part of working on the new me. Cats are cool. 

Say no more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

mrwalters said:


> So this is some good advice now.
> It has been one week to the day that she left.
> I am not 100 percent certain she moved in with the guy, she could be living w a couple that is friends w him. However I doubt it makes much difference.
> 
> She said she was going to call me. Instead she emailed me. This is what she said.
> "I see you are enjoying your job. I'm glad. I knew it was a natural choice for you. Are you completely done with Northern job now? Since I saw you posted a boat sale I kinda figured you were. How are you doing? How are the cats? "
> 
> Soooo......
> I don't know what to say to this. Do I answer the small talk and then we become email pals? Or do I say I deserve a phone call. Or do I ignore the email and wait for a call. Seriously?!


For now, ignore until you expose. Then you can tell her to stop her affair and come home immediately and you are willing to discuss jobs, cats, marital issues and her infidelity or divorce. Then go dark. She wants to be a cake eater of sorts by screwing her AP while still getting emotional support from you.

Cut it all out, go dark on her until or if she comes back having severed all ties to her AP. Then get really busy living. She should get no support from you and see that you are very good as a man apart from her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61

Look Walter I would cut with the BS with her and lay it on the line if the OM is in the picture, then it is completely over with us and never contact me again.....be direct, be honest


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## mrwalters

I don't understand why she is beating around the bush. She left and only gave me the first letter a week ago. 
She said she was going to call and now she emails some small talk. 
On FB no one would ever know because she hasn't posted where she is. I don't this any of her friends know. 
I did call her parents the day she left and told them everything. I think her dad and mom called her because she text me "why did you call my parents." "You talked to my dad?"
So she knows they know. Which was what she wanted to keep from everybody. 
As far as exposing to her friends. I don't know if that would help. The only thing I can think of is in the end when we do talk I put on FB we are separated and she is living w her boyfriend in ca. 
I think she is lost. Her mind is in crisis or something. 
I know that she doesn't want us to end. That she doesn't want to lose me or our marriage. But she also doesn't know how to be with me. She wants a fresh start because she doesn't see a way from us ever getting over this. 
I know I can get over it. I can because I know the real her. This is something that is happening to her that she cannot seem to help. She's lost her mind or something. I don't want to give up on her. 
I just don't want to push her further away. I do want her to come to her senses. 
She knew I quit my job up north. She knew about the boat sale because I post on FB. I act happy and grateful for each day on FB. She posts on FB but it is little meme things. Says nothing about what she is up to. 
Should I not post on FB at all, or continue to post positive pictures of me living my life. 
Should I even respond to her email at all, or just give her a few one word answers answering her questions. 
I do want her to call. I know that she is having the hardest time to bring herself to do it. She wants to extend it because she is afraid of what it will bring. She doesn't want to talk about the big things. 
When we do talk on the phone what should I say. Should I ask her if she is living w him or her other friends?
Should I be nonchalant or happy, or let her know what I am really wandering and thinking. Should I discuss U.S. Being separated. 
Should I even put on FB that we are.
Totally lost. I still want to give us a chance and I want to do the best things I can do that will turn her heart and mind around.


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## inhope

> You can tell people I cheated if that helps you. Hate me if it helps you. Bash me if it helps you. Make me look like the horrible person I am if it helps you. If it helps you save face.


^^^^She has already told him to tell whoever he wants, so all this "expose her widely and it will all stop", is nonsense. 
She is past all that. 
She is not the angry caught wife who is going to crack and beg for forgiveness, or who is going to toe the line as soon as divorce is on the table, she WANTS a divorce. SHE left him. She already saw the changes in him, but they were too little too late for her, and now she is gone. 

In her original email, I have never read anything that so clearly shows a wife who is done here. 



> I don't know how to forgive you for all of these years. The bad times run like a loop in my head - no worse than that - those memories run a loop through my heart. I feel every word over and over. I see and feel every disappointed look. Every embarrassed look. It was killing me slowly and all I wanted was you to love me.


This is NOT some cheating wife who was a bit of a cake-eater who got caught and is begging for it all to be forgiven and forgotten - this is a woman who was emotionally abused for years and who should have left years ago, but I guess just didn't have the courage to do that and eventually had an exit affair instead. 
Exit affairs show abused spouses that there are nice people out there, that every relationship doesn't have to be about crying and anger and upset. It gives them hope and with hope they can then move forward in their lives.



> I needed to feel beautiful and wanted and adored.


As for the OP, he has to convince her that he is permanently changed and he can be the man she fell in love with again. Of course he may never have treated her that good, and that may well be his undoing here.
Telling the OP to lay down the law here, is a sure way to ensure she never ever comes back.


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## mrwalters

Inhope

You have very good insight. 

I am really seeing what you are saying. 
I now 100% agree w not exposing the affair. She was broken. 

I do want to save our marriage. 
You are right. She probably had the affair as an exit strategy. 
I really do want to love her the way she needs. 
I don't know what she is doing in ca or what her intentions are. 

I know she still loves me deeply. I want to save this. Any advice?


----------



## inhope

mrwalters said:


> Inhope
> 
> You have very good insight.
> 
> I am really seeing what you are saying.
> I now 100% agree w not exposing the affair. She was broken.
> 
> I do want to save our marriage.
> You are right. She probably had the affair as an exit strategy.
> I really do want to love her the way she needs.
> I don't know what she is doing in ca or what her intentions are.
> 
> I know she still loves me deeply. I want to save this. Any advice?


I think you have to try and make her miss home and her life with you. Begging and pleading are no good, nor are fancy words and I love yous, but I think the cats and her home may be some pull here and I think if I were you, I would maintain a pretty sparse light conversation that will make her miss home, them and you. Too much and she will withdraw, just enough to keep her interested and still responding to you.

No blatant manipulation, like "orangie has wailed all night every night since you left", even if it is true, as she will see right through that, but the odd pic of the cats on fb, the odd pic of the house, the garden maybe, some stuff that will trigger happier memories of her home and you. Try to think of things that will please her. Think really carefully before posting, as the last thing you want is to trigger bad memories, or for her to block you.
I think you have to think of this as a long term project. 
NC can sometimes work, but here I think if you went NC, she will just keep walking, so I think here, you need to lay out some breadcrumbs and hope she gobbles them up.


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## mrwalters

OK. I understand. 
Unfortunately we moved into a new house just days before she left.
I am in the process of looking for a roommate. So far the best candidate is a woman... and as much as I would enjoy company I dont know if that is a great idea right now. All the rest are guys who are not my style of people.

I do want her to start opening up to me. She is starting a new life or so it seams in CA, opposite side of the country. I dont know if she shipped her car over there or what she is going to do. It is not here. Maybe it is already over there. I havent asked.
I havent asked if she is living with him or seeing him. 
As much as I love her and want her back I know from my past that I hold on for a long time and it really destroys me inside. I do want to find out if she is seeing him, what she is planning on doing. If she wants to separate. Not sure if I should just wait for her to come out of her shell and update her page to separated or if I should take that plunge. I'm feeling just wait on all of that. Time will tell.
I am hoping she sees that a whole new start may not be what she wants, but I dont know how long I should wait on that before giving up. I do want to give it a chance.
I agree that I shouldnt tell her Im in love with her, miss her, etc.
I think I need to make her miss me and home, but by doing well for myself and working on me. How to convey that to her across the world and while we are not talking i dont know.
I do want to know answers to her living situation, dating situation. But dont know if I should ask or just wait for her to never tell me, or to wait it out and find out in FB pictures later down the road. 
How long do you think a person should wait in this situation. I do need to know what sh plans on doing. I feel lost


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## inhope

mrwalters said:


> How to convey that to her across the world and while we are not talking i dont know.


She emailed you, the lines of communication are not completely down, use them.


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## rgol

mrwalters said:


> OK. I understand.
> Unfortunately we moved into a new house just days before she left.
> I am in the process of looking for a roommate. So far the best candidate is a woman... and as much as I would enjoy company I dont know if that is a great idea right now. All the rest are guys who are not my style of people.
> 
> I do want her to start opening up to me. She is starting a new life or so it seams in CA, opposite side of the country. I dont know if she shipped her car over there or what she is going to do. It is not here. Maybe it is already over there. I havent asked.
> I havent asked if she is living with him or seeing him.
> As much as I love her and want her back I know from my past that I hold on for a long time and it really destroys me inside. I do want to find out if she is seeing him, what she is planning on doing. If she wants to separate. Not sure if I should just wait for her to come out of her shell and update her page to separated or if I should take that plunge. I'm feeling just wait on all of that. Time will tell.
> I am hoping she sees that a whole new start may not be what she wants, but I dont know how long I should wait on that before giving up. I do want to give it a chance.
> I agree that I shouldnt tell her Im in love with her, miss her, etc.
> I think I need to make her miss me and home, but by doing well for myself and working on me. How to convey that to her across the world and while we are not talking i dont know.
> I do want to know answers to her living situation, dating situation. But dont know if I should ask or just wait for her to never tell me, or to wait it out and find out in FB pictures later down the road.
> How long do you think a person should wait in this situation. I do need to know what sh plans on doing. I feel lost


Okay…few things. First, do not get a female roommate. It will eventually complicate things. You are at an emotional low point and you will connect with her over time. That is a fact. It will cloud your judgment, I promise you. Second, your past history with your wife makes your situation more challenging. You have to show her – not tell her – that you have changed. Actions speak louder than words. I realize it is hard with her in CA, but it can be done.

You have to do the 180. Keep things always light, short and to the point when talking or emailing with her. She will make an effort to find out what you are doing, who you are hanging out with and what you are saying. So, when asked by friends and family, you tell the truth. Take the ‘high road’ and never say anything bad about her. You tell others that you are doing the hard work on yourself and want to be a better man and husband. Do not act needy, angry or sad even if you are inside. Make new friends, get a hobby, exercise and be happy with yourself. It will take time. We have all been there. I promise that you will survive and become a more improved you.

You must detach and give her the time and space to make her way back if that is what she (and you) want. Right now, you cannot visualize life without her. Once you turn the corner and start really living without her, you will see things differently. Only then will you be able to objectively evaluate what you want and if you desire her back. It will take some time and you have to be patient. Everyone's timeline is their's to own. You could wait years for her to come back or end things next week. That is up to you. You have to wait as long as you want. 

Unfortunately, there is no guarantee she will improve herself, take ownership in her share or the marital problems and decide to come back to you. You have no control over what she feels and thinks, so letting go and allowing things to unfold is your only solution. As a guy, I know it is hard to do; you want to fix it now and move forward. You can't. You have no choice other than to sit back and see what happens.


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## Mr.Fisty

Give her divorce papers. It will be a chance to either let her go, or she will communicate with you. Whatever the case, your life does not revolve around her. Own your mistakes, learn, and move on.

You cannot make her do what you want, you can set up the environment to get a reaction to your own action. If she goes through the divorce, you have your answer and forgive yourself and keep on living.

You have learned that there are actions one's takes that can make love flourish and destroy it.

You will be happy again if you take the steps towards it and she may to if she takes the same steps, it just might not be with each other.

Your past actions does not condemn you into misery for the rest of your life. It may not seem like it now, but when you heal and when enough time has passed, your love for her will fade as well. A love neglected is a love destroyed. Love are actions towards the other so the other can feel. Since she is not return any loving actions, your feelings for her will fade.


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## mrwalters

I have read about the 180. I agree that the more I tried to pull her closer the further away she pulled. I will be doing my best here at home and am now done crying everyday. I joined some meetup things so I can do things after work with people. I wil also be going to a church group for people going through similar times so at least maybe i can get an idea of what to do. I realize this happens to people, i just never imagined ever it would be us.
As far as the divorce papers I am holding off on that. I want to give it some time before going down that road. I do think that if i sent them and she received them (i dont even know an address for her) she would probably be an emotional wreck. she may want to try to reconcile seeing them, but if she didnt then she would end it and i dont want that at all.
it has been a week so far. We have had 10 years together.
i dont want to wait it out but im afraid that may be what I have to do. so far no one knows, at least not on facebook and thats how much of our friends and family communicate. 
im sure someday our status will change and then there will be a zillion questions. I will respect what had happened and just tell them we are separated. I will cross that line when it comes.
I sure do hope that she comes to her senses and comes back soon. it would be a miracle if she did. I think the 180 and attracting her to me again through bettering myself is my only option. at least start with the 180


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## mrwalters

She finally contacted me. she said "thank you for the letter. the first time i read it i felt like maybe you were just saying those things. the second time i read it i felt like maybe you were understanding some of how i felt. reading it just now i am thinking how much has probably already changed from when you wrote it"

hmmm. dont know what to say or how to respond. 
i want to tell her that the only thing that has changed since i wrote it is that I stopped crying and started working on me. other than that nothing has changed.


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## rgol

mrwalters said:


> She finally contacted me. she said "thank you for the letter. the first time i read it i felt like maybe you were just saying those things. the second time i read it i felt like maybe you were understanding some of how i felt. reading it just now i am thinking how much has probably already changed from when you wrote it"
> 
> hmmm. dont know what to say or how to respond.
> i want to tell her that the only thing that has changed since i wrote it is that I stopped crying and started working on me. other than that nothing has changed.


You say, 'you are welcome'. That is it. 

It took a long time for things to get this bad and it will take time for things to change and perhaps, bring her back. Let others who see you be the ones who tell her you have changed. You do not need to tell them you want her back or to ask them to say anything to her. If you are looking good, enjoying life, being happy and making changes she will know about it. Trust me.


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## mrwalters

unfortunately our friends dont run in the same groups. only when we are together. the only way she can see me is FB. other than that all communication is severed. i spoke to her parents. her dad has not heard at all from her. he says her mom has not got to communicate with her but my wife knew i talked to them so she must have got a VM or text from her mom. at least there is some communication from her parents. she used to be so close to them. I am wondering if she is regretting leaving. i dont want to push her away again.


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## 6301

Until you get rid of the "coulda, woulda, shoulda's, your never going to heal. If she's in Ca and even if she's living with that couple and not this guy, she's closer to him than she is with you. If it's me, I thinking that she's still seeing him and if she's doing that then it's called riding the fence.

It's up to you to knock the fence down and tell her to either $h!t or get off the pot. There's no way in hell you can heal with a bunch of unknowns blocking the way so it's time that she either is or isn't.

Time for you to two to have a conversation and not text and once and for all lay the cards on the table and find out if she's coming back or not but that doesn't mean that having her back will make things better.

You have to atone your the way you treated her and she has to atone for her affair and neither on of you can do that with her in Ca and you back at home, so time to lay the cards on the table and it's either one way or the other and no middle option.


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## mrwalters

I said:
thank you.
the only thing that changed since i wrote it is stopped crying, i picked myself back up, and i am working on a better me.

her: I havnt really stopped crying yet, im glad you are doing better.
me: nothing else has changed since i wrote it btw
her: thank you

so this is some progress I think. but you may be right. this may be a long haul and a lot of emotions.
I want to ask her to come back but she knows she is welcome so I will leave it at that until she contacts me again.


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## Dude007

I know man, I'd take control of this sitch if I were you. I think tell her to come home or you are filing is the right move for you.


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## mrwalters

OK. so I know its only been a day. Yesterday was 1 week since she left. today at work I spent the day downloading our phone history records. I got to see when it started.. and I completely understand that it had to start somehow. I also got to see how it continued (just talking on the phone part) all the way until she met him after our last big fight. Now I understand why she said that she knew if we fought up north then it would be over (she told me this later) she was planning on an affair if we fought. I also got to see how they talked during the month they saw each other.
But the thing that really bothered me the most. After I exposed it to her. She told me she wasnt ever going to contact him again. I got to see that they talked everyday up till the day she left.

Now I completely understand why she was so sad and distant. She was still his that entire time. She was planning on leaving the entire time and never told me.
I quit my job, moved back home, sold a lot of my stuff and split it 50/50 with her. I bought a new truck and began working next to home. I treated her to dates and flowers. she lit up everytime.
When we went to church she would cry. I assumed it was because she was healing from the affair. It was from the guilt of knowing that she wasnt going to stay and she couldnt tell me.
She was planning on leaving the entire time. You were right. It was an exit affair.
Now she is across country.
AND....
knowing all of this.

I still love her. It is all still the same one big mistake. I can still put it all in one place in my head and move on.
But I am no longer going to roll over and take a beating. 

She is beginning to text me now. little things. like "yyy called me, left a message, tell him key is xxx, can you give him a call?"

so really. now where do i go from here.
She told her parents she is at a girlfriends house in CA. I almost certainly know she is at his place. She tells me she is sad.
and I know she is a good person, she just left a situation where she didnt see it ever getting better. And it wasnt going to get better as long as she kept doing what she was doing. it was eating her alive inside.

I no longer want to be plan B anymore when this doesnt work out with him.
I want her to make a decision. I kinda think the more I ignore her and appear happy the more she will see that I am great. 
I want her to want me, not just come back. I want her to leave him and come to me, end all of this.

advice on what I should do next?


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## Truthseeker1

mrwalters said:


> OK. so I know its only been a day. Yesterday was 1 week since she left. today at work I spent the day downloading our phone history records. I got to see when it started.. and I completely understand that it had to start somehow. I also got to see how it continued (just talking on the phone part) all the way until she met him after our last big fight. Now I understand why she said that she knew if we fought up north then it would be over (she told me this later) she was planning on an affair if we fought. I also got to see how they talked during the month they saw each other.
> But the thing that really bothered me the most. After I exposed it to her. She told me she wasnt ever going to contact him again. I got to see that they talked everyday up till the day she left.
> 
> Now I completely understand why she was so sad and distant. She was still his that entire time. She was planning on leaving the entire time and never told me.
> I quit my job, moved back home, sold a lot of my stuff and split it 50/50 with her. I bought a new truck and began working next to home. I treated her to dates and flowers. she lit up everytime.
> When we went to church she would cry. I assumed it was because she was healing from the affair. It was from the guilt of knowing that she wasnt going to stay and she couldnt tell me.
> She was planning on leaving the entire time. You were right. It was an exit affair.
> Now she is across country.
> AND....
> knowing all of this.
> 
> I still love her. It is all still the same one big mistake. I can still put it all in one place in my head and move on.
> But I am no longer going to roll over and take a beating.
> 
> She is beginning to text me now. little things. like "yyy called me, left a message, tell him key is xxx, can you give him a call?"
> 
> so really. now where do i go from here.
> She told her parents she is at a girlfriends house in CA. I almost certainly know she is at his place. She tells me she is sad.
> and I know she is a good person, she just left a situation where she didnt see it ever getting better. And it wasnt going to get better as long as she kept doing what she was doing. it was eating her alive inside.
> 
> I no longer want to be plan B anymore when this doesnt work out with him.
> *I want her to make a decision.* I kinda think the more I ignore her and appear happy the more she will see that I am great.
> I want her to want me, not just come back. I want her to leave him and come to me, end all of this.
> 
> advice on what I should do next?



Dude it's your [email protected]#$%^& life - decide what YOU want and act on it. She sounds like a pain in the butt who is cake eating, and you are allowing her to cake eat. Don't just ignore her - get rid of her - period. She has zero respect your you or herself for that matter. All her flowery words are just that words - ACTIONS speak louder than words and her actions say I want to keep sleeping with the OM.


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## Ynot

OP, She left - that is her decision! The rest is either guilt coming out or an attempt to keep a back up plan in play. You have been given ample advice - WORK ON YOUR SELF. And here is a hint, one week aint going to cut it. Even of there is an infinitesimally small chance of her coming back, it won't matter unless you do the work on your self. If she does, then it will be your choice to allow it.


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## NoChoice

OP,
By way of advice. Worded to your style of writing but something along the lines of the following.

Dear Wife,

It is with great sadness, regret, confusion, guilt and heartache that I write this letter. I have done a lot of thinking about us and I have come to the inescapable conclusion that what we had is gone. Therefore I wanted to inform you that I will be removing myself from your life with as much haste as is possible.

I was thinking back to when you and I first met, the excitement, the infatuation, the joy and happiness we felt. I now realize that you are experiencing those feelings again with someone else and I have no desire to compete with him nor any desire to impede your quest for happiness. I realize that I have not been the model husband but it is nonetheless regrettable that you chose to start over with someone else rather than to work on saving us. I also find it regrettable that you seem to discount the years we have spent together as having little meaning or value.

You have asked that I do whatever is necessary to move on including hating you but I cannot hate you. I made a solemn vow to love you, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. I meant it. You’ve also asked for my forgiveness but that is not really what you are asking for. Forgiveness is something you give to someone who is deeply sorry for their actions and remorseful. You are neither. What you are really asking for is my acceptance. You have made a unilateral decision to end our marriage, without counseling, without therapy, without even a thorough discussion between to committed adults. You left while I was away with nothing but an email declaring your intentions and explaining your actions. I was not a part of this decision and am powerless to alter your behavior so I must accept it, I have no choice.

Your email indicated that you feel great sorrow at the pain you have caused me but your words are deceptive. You say that you cannot stay with me because the pain you feel at hurting me is too great. You also say you cannot live without me and yet you are gone. You say that you have sacrificed your own feelings in favor of mine so that I may find happiness without you but in reality that is a decision I alone can make. Again, you have made the decision unilaterally on what is best for me and my happiness. The truth is that it has nothing to do with my happiness but rather yours. You so desperately wanted to be with your new lover that my feelings were summarily dismissed in favor of your happiness.

I will again find happiness in life so you need not concern yourself with that and you certainly needn’t use it as a excuse to be with your new lover, it is not necessary. I accept that you are with him now and although it pains me greatly I will, after grieving my loss, find what I thought I had with you. I am concerned for you however. I fear that you have made this decision without proper forethought and deliberation. I sincerely hope that you will be happy but I find the circumstances under which your new relationship began to be problematic. It was conceived in secret using deception and betrayal. Both of the parties involved are sorely lacking in integrity and commitment and have little understanding of boundaries and moral fiber. You have sullied your word by breaking your solemn vow with seemingly no concern or remorse. Your lover has chosen to bed a woman who is bound by wedlock with seemingly no concern for honor or morality. This does not bode well for the future of your new union. 

Earlier I mentioned thinking back to when we first met. Those feelings you now have for him you once had for me and now they are gone. Until you grow and come to understand commitment, loyalty and dedication why would you believe that your new feelings for him will not fade away in time just as the feelings for me did? Also, if he is willing to bed another man’s wife does that not speak volumes to the character of the individual? Why would you believe that he would not bed another man’s wife at some future point when he tires of you? And what of him, does he realize that you have deceived and betrayed me to be with him without so much as a proper good bye? Does he not see the strong possibility that he will be standing exactly where I am in time?

I sincerely hope that I am wrong and that you two find the happiness that you both want but, given the circumstances under which this relationship formed, I find that to be highly improbable if not impossible. In any event I wish you well and will now proceed, hesitantly, to get on with the rest of my life. You will be receiving divorce papers soon for your review and signature.

I regret not being the husband you desired but I regret even more so the decisions you made on how to deal with it or not deal with it, as the case may be. Thank you for our time together before him.

Have a great life.



OP, you must realize that her decision is made and there is nothing you can do about it now. If she sincerely wants to work on the marriage she will, if she does not she won't, it is just that simple. You must now move on with your life and accept that she may never return. I wish you strength and good fortune.


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## Mr.Fisty

I will be open here and state that you are still an angry person and if she comes back, there is a high probability that you will attack her verbally. You have a need to reforge this connection so a lot of your focused is placed there, but you have not truly dealt with the issue. Your anger issue does not go away because you are aware of it, it is something that needs therapy to handle. If you have an outburst again, it may cause her to go into protective mode and find safety elsewhere.

Before you even try saving your marriage, you need to deal with your own issues first. And people do not change in a month.

It will be a hard uphill battle. You both will not have trust in each other. She will be wary of your anger, and you are wondering if your next outburst will send her into the arms of another man. You both now have trust issue. Can you trust that she will put up with a barrage of abuse if you cannot control your anger?

She will be a trigger for your anger, and what you think sent her packing before was bad, there is a high chance that what you did to her will be worse.

Think clearly about this. There have been BS without anger issues before that end up being abusive towards their spouse, and you have that issue already.

If you want to have a chance, you will need therapy during and as of now to learn to have some emotional control and how to learn to diffuse your high levels of emotions in a healthy manner.

And this will likely take years to heal.

As for your wife, she has a need to protect herself, and a pull towards you as well. Her love will want her to reconnect with you and the part of her that is responsible for her survival will mark you as danger.

So, do you want her back knowing that there is a chance that you will treat her worse than you did before. Because you will now have very powerful emotional triggers, probably more strongly than when you were already abusive before.


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## aine

You contributed in a big way to the current situation with treating your wife like dirt (your words). However, she is responsible for the affair. There is little point in trying to get her back as you are both the same people and results will be no different.
Work on yourself and your issues, anger, etc. Do the 180, no contact etc but it might be premature rushing into a divorce. Your wife was lost and hurt and really made things worse by having an affair. She obviously has self esteem issues and needs IC too. When you are both through IC then consider MC if at that stage you can forgive her. 

However as long as she is in an A nothing will change on her end. You should do the standard in terms of exposure, contact OMW, your family, her family, friends, etc
Then get a lawyer to see what might need to be done - you dont have to file yet.

Sorry you have landed here but always remember when you treat a wife badly, you reap the consequences later.


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## lifeistooshort

It doesn't surprise me that a "fragile woman", as you describe her, would be vulnerable with a husband who's away a lot and treats her like crap. Personally I wouldn't trust you again.

And there is this tendency on TAM to ignore everything else once a woman cheats.

Having said that you can't live in limbo, she's either in or out. At this point I'd tell her that you realize you were a d!ck and you regret that but you'll be filing and cutting contact with her. If she's not all in you have to move on.

I'd be really careful with exposure, if you're going to do it make sure you don't paint yourself as a huge victim who did no wrong. If you do that she'll resent the hell out of you, you both need to own your stuff.


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## aine

Remember the 180. There is nothing in this email that requires a response. You are not 'friends', she left you remember to be with someone else (regardless of why). You are going dark on her except for 'official' business, e.g. financials, bill matters, etc. This mail is to elicit some cosy chat about you, your job, the cats, etc. Ignore it, you have to start emotionally detaching now, (regardless of what the future holds). Stick to the 180.


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## mrwalters

I'm so surprised to see that while she was with me up north she was talking to him hours each day. even while with me. It must have been every time I was gone. No wonder things went so badly. I knew something was missing. I could feel it. 
I realize that the fights were my doing, but with her talking to him for hours each day leading up to her coming up to see me, and her talking to him every time I stepped out. She was already entangled in an emotional affair. 

Knowing this makes it a little easier on my mind. I was blaming myself for a great deal of the wrong.
Many of you are right. She is responsible for her actions. She was missing something. desperately missing something. He gave that to her. Once he started to meet that need she was hooked.

Now that I know all of this about how it started and how it progressed I can at least feel some comfort. I'm not going to tell her that I know the details.
Although the next time I speak to her dad I will tell him what I know.
She is trying to keep it all covered up.

Exposing? I dunno. 
That wont win her back, it will def make me feel better though. The people that do know she doesn't talk to at all. She hasn't talked to her best friend or her parents. I'm sure she has a lot of guilt about it. I think it is eating away at her.

As far as exposing it will probably at least bring the affair to light. But she is gone already. planned it for months.

I think the 180 is my only option. I responded to her email kept it light. told her I am doing much better and working on things. Told her I hope she is doing well too. 

when she text me last she asked me if "are you mad at her or just busy" I said Im not mad and left it at that.
I know she is dealing with some huge feelings here. She left me after 10 years. We did so much together and had so many plans. She left all of that and now she is across country and she is now coming to the realization that the only friends she has over there is him and his friends. 
She cant talk to her parents on the phone, and she has to keep the fact she is there a secret from everyone. He FB page says she is still here, married to me.

I dont know if I should be the one who changes the status to separated or let it alone. I know she doesn't want to be divorced. She is cake eating.
But now I feel like I have my power back. I am not helpless. I was left high and dry and it was planned by them for months. It didnt just happen last week because she is broken, it happened over a long course of time.

If I put the status to separated I cant go back from that. But then again, she cant go back from her affair.
I also can undo exposing it.
I dont know if I should talk of divorce just yet, but that is def where this is headed.

I want to do the thing that will snap her out of this. I'm not sure what that is.
Maybe keeping up the relationship status on FB and the front. Tell her friend who she talk to down here the real truth. And wait it out. In the end I may lose her by her filing. That will be a ego blow to me but whats done is done.

more advice please


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## mrwalters

I'm going to have her call me today. We will discuss things. I'm not going to hide and pretend it isnt happening anymore.


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## Ynot

mrwalters said:


> *I'm so surprised to see that while she was with me up north she was talking to him hours each day. even while with me. It must have been every time I was gone. No wonder things went so badly. I knew something was missing. I could feel it.*
> *I realize that the fights were my doing, but with her talking to him for hours each day leading up to her coming up to see me, and her talking to him every time I stepped out. She was already entangled in an emotional affair.*
> 
> Knowing this makes it a little easier on my mind. I was blaming myself for a great deal of the wrong.
> Many of you are right. She is responsible for her actions.* She was missing something. desperately missing something. He gave that to her. Once he started to meet that need she was hooked.*
> 
> Now that I know all of this about how it started and how it progressed I can at least feel some comfort. I'm not going to tell her that I know the details.
> Although the next time I speak to her dad I will tell him what I know.
> She is trying to keep it all covered up.
> 
> Exposing? I dunno.
> *That wont win her back*, it will def make me feel better though. The people that do know she doesn't talk to at all. She hasn't talked to her best friend or her parents. I'm sure she has a lot of guilt about it. I think it is eating away at her.
> 
> As far as exposing it will probably at least bring the affair to light. *But she is gone already. planned it for months*.
> 
> I think the 180 is my only option. I responded to her email kept it light. told her I am doing much better and working on things. Told her I hope she is doing well too.
> 
> when she text me last she asked me if "are you mad at her or just busy" I said Im not mad and left it at that.
> I know she is dealing with some huge feelings here. She left me after 10 years. We did so much together and had so many plans. She left all of that and now she is across country and she is now coming to the realization that the only friends she has over there is him and his friends.
> She cant talk to her parents on the phone, and she has to keep the fact she is there a secret from everyone. He FB page says she is still here, married to me.
> 
> I dont know if I should be the one who changes the status to separated or let it alone. I know she doesn't want to be divorced. She is cake eating.
> But now I feel like I have my power back. I am not helpless. I was left high and dry and it was planned by them for months. It didnt just happen last week because she is broken, it happened over a long course of time.
> 
> If I put the status to separated I cant go back from that. But then again, she cant go back from her affair.
> I also can undo exposing it.
> I dont know if I should talk of divorce just yet, but that is def where this is headed.
> 
> I want to do the thing that will snap her out of this. I'm not sure what that is.
> Maybe keeping up the relationship status on FB and the front. Tell her friend who she talk to down here the real truth. And wait it out. In the end I may lose her by her filing. That will be a ego blow to me but whats done is done.
> 
> *more advice please*


My advice? Think about the facts that you stated and I highlighted for you. Those are facts. The unhighlighted stuff is mostly your imagination hoping that things will work out. I know, I've been there and done that.

Stop overanalyzing the situation and accept the reality for what it is. SHE LEFT YOU! and then WORK ON YOUR SELF! STOP BLAMING HER! YOU HAVE A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY IN THIS SITUATION. 

You cannot control her responses, but you can control yours. So stop "thinking", "knowing" and "feeling" what she is thinking. It is all just a projection of your wants and desires. Actions speak louder than words and her action was to leave you. Accept it and start working on you.

And don't worry about getting your ego bruised. That is probably the best thing that could happen, because your ego is biggest enemy. It is what is preventing you from working on your self. Your ego is the little voice in your head constructing false hopes out of things you "think", "know" or "feel" about her motives. It is what is keeping you hanging on.

The person you are and the situation you find yourself in is a result of all of your past thoughts, decisions and thoughts. The best you can do is truly learn from your mistakes and move on with your life.


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## Mr.Fisty

Learn to detach. Understand that she is emotionally unstable. People can really be confused. She still has strong emotional triggers about you, good and bad.

If you want a chance of bringing down her walls, go no contact and tell her that you will be doing it for you to heal and move on. That might have a chance of bringing down her walls.

People need motivation to change. You, yourself is a prime example. Your previous behavior is a relationship killer.

The longer you wait, the more of her attachment to you will fade and the same goes for you as well. Just like over time the emotional pain that you cause will recede and the pain she caused you will also recede.

But be sure that if she does come back, that you will not be abusive. If the previous behavior is not dealt with, the same pattern will play out and you may go even further in your anger.

Your life was not that great, and she was a safe target for you to redirect your anger upon. Are you in therapy of any sort, and did you grow up around angry individuals? Most issues stem from childhood such as angry shouting parents.

Hey, I was a violent youth in my teens, I suffered abuse and that drastically changed me and needed help to solve those anger issues. I have built and learned new coping mechanisms against anger.

So, is it wise at this point to get the marriage back, or let it go? You want her back as your wife, but is it wise since the chances are there has not been enough time to have definite change on your part. Could you honestly say that you will not abuse her when she returns and the focus then shifts to the pain she caused you?

Do you understand that actions you take will change a person? Here is an example. There is this bright kid and a bully torments the kid till they commit suicide. The suicide of course is the choice of the victim, but isn't there a correlation between the abuse and the emotional and mental instability of the victim. Like her action caused you mental pain and has changed you, your actions have changed her for the worse, even though you did not cause her to cheat.

That is why I state is it wise for her to return, knowing that she is fragile emotionally, and any more abuse can push her over the edge.


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## jsmart

DO NOT CONTACT HER. Go dark. She's dead. Put her out of your mind. 

I know it was fast but I would place money, she was in am EA with the guy for much longer. Wouldn't be surprised if it was an old boyfriend or person that she almost hooked up with in the past. One of those, "the one that got away scenarios.

You don't want to be a her plan B. All that talk about being sorry talk is solely for her conscious. Don't listen to her words. Her actions is all you should look at. She is with OM. 

Don't beat yourself up by thinking about what you may have done. So many guys come on here talking about all of the things they did. I didn't load dishwasher correctly, One night I left toilet seat up, and that time that I yelled at her. Come on. You didn't cause her to open her legs for someone. To have a journal bad mouthing you. Yes, work on being a better man but don't put that $h!it on you.


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## arbitrator

*Contact her folks, despite her pleas not to, and convey to them the full, sordid storyline about what has been going on! Take ownership for your misgivings in your relationship with her, because this relationship's failure is definitely a two-edged sword that has cut both ways!

But additionally, come to the fast realization that if she feels in her heart that you are not worth keeping and pledging her heartfelt fidelity to, then why should you feel any different?

I think that it is time to let go, let everyone know what happened, file for D, and move on with your life! You deserve far far better out of life!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubsey

stop answering her. just, stop.


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## snerg

mrwalters said:


> more advice please



Easy
1) Block everywhere - phone, Facebook, etc...
2) Lawyer up
3) Serve divorce papers
4) Detach completely

She is gone. She has been gone. She will remain gone.

You need to now realize she is gone - for good.

Start NC right now.

The only communication should be through a lawyer.

What you want back is how your wife was years ago - you can't have that. You have memories of how your wife used to be - she's no longer like that. You need to move on. You need to close this chapter of your life and start the next one.


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## mrwalters

so I'm headed to some counseling tonight at church. 
Something changed inside of me. I went from being the saddest I have ever been to talking about it. Now I'm chuckling about it w my friends and coworkers. 
I'm not sure if this is a stage or what.
Its not like I am happy about it at all. It sucks. I have to start a whole new life.
She's not coming back. at least not now. She is gone. 
A lot of you have bashed me. As much as I dont like to read it each of you have a valid point. She wouldnt have broken if things would have been different. Also I didnt make her do anything. She chose her path to cheat. Once she did it something in her broke. Once I exposed the affair to her I saw her return. She actually had emotion again. We were working on things. But she was talking to him for hours each day. She kept telling me that she read that people dont change. It was her confiding in him and him telling her how I was pretending, etc. 
But the thing is I didnt change that much. SHe had to justify wht she was doing. She wouldnt leave a great husband. She would leave someone who was pretending. The changes werent that drastic either. The only difference was I asked for her input more on our decisions. Instead of fixing her car, etc. I took an extra 5 minutes to buy flowers. The things she noticed more. I didnt speak her correct love language. But with him in the picture talking to her everyday there was no way she was going to be able to give it a real try.
Its not like she was running from an abusive person. She was messed up. Really messed up. Thats the reason she kept it from everyone. Absolutely everyone. Didnt speak to her best friends about it. Didn't speak to her parents. Didnt speak to me. 
She did something so far out of what she considered ok that she had to justify it to herself. 
I still maintain she is a good person. She messed up really bad and couldnt stop. I have no clue how this will affect her down the road. Maybe not at all, hopefully.
As for me I will live. At least I am healthy and have a place to live, etc. 
This is so tragic that I think I will get over it faster than I would have if it wasnt so horrible. I dont know about her.

So now I'm at the 180 part.
She is texting me. 
Stupid things like "what kind of groups did you join", hug the cats for me. 
and we still havent spoke about where she is, how she is, what she is doing. 
I deserve something. I'm not sure. A heartfelt apology. Something. And not me bringing it up, or asking about it.
And I'm not going to bring it up. I honestly dont want to. I also dont want to have small talk right now either.

A lot of you mentioned serving her papers. I think I can hold off on that. She is slowly trying to let people know she isnt home. Posted a picture of the cats and mentioned she missed them so people would inquire where they were.. where she is.
And I'm not going to react to it either. It's ridiculous but she wants to save face. I sure did want to expose for a while there, but that wouldnt bring her back and only bring her shame. She doesnt need people to tell her what she did is wrong. She can do that for herself, although I dont think she sees it the same way.

I'm really going to work on me. Who knows what the future will hold. I do know that I cant fix her mistake. I still love her. And even though it makes me a chump, I would take her back because I know that she is still my wife. My wife who is human and who made a horrible mistake that she couldnt fix. She does need to figure some things out herself. 
I am figuring things out about me. I read a few books, many times over. I realize its just a book, but I really took everything to heart. I prayed and meditated, rewound and listed again. 
I found the book his needs her needs great at explaining some needs, and also explaining how to affair proof a relationship. 
7 principals for making marriage work. This helped me understand how people handle conflicts and arguments. I really was lacking in seeing her saves and I didnt argue fairly. I ran her over. 
the 5 love languages helped me see how even though I did love her dearly, I didnt speak it to her in the way she needed. She missed my language for companionship too.

I'm sure there are a lot more things I need to learn. More books, something.
So i'm off to this church group, see what happens there.

I dont know if I need anymore advice at the moment on saving our relationship. She is gone. Only she can decide to come back. And the only way she would do that now is if she realizes he is a d bag or that she made a huge mistake. I dont know if either will happen. 
I'm going to go fix me. Hopefully she heals too.


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## giddiot

Tell her you took the cats to the pound and maybe she won't have an excuse to text you.


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## ConanHub

Post on FB asking if the man she is cheating with likes cats. Tell her she can have them in the divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159

Why are you on here asking for advice then not doing a darn thing people here tell you. Just come on here and post updates. If you did this right a small chance she's at home right now and 100% you would be starting to heal and getting you respect back.


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## terrence4159

Seriously the only thing you should say to her now is once you hire a lawyer and have to serve divorce papers email her this and only this "xxxxx my lawyer needs an address to serve you, his phone number is xxxxxxxxxx please call and give them your address. I don't want to know your address I don't care and I do not want to hear from you ever again no calls,emails, texts nothing, you are dead to me" 

Then never contact her again is she shows up on your door begging for another chance right away maybe you could save your marriage if she doesn't you have to cut her out of your life and then you can start to heal. No contact at all block her on fb.


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## aine

Your wife has done a despicable thing yet you are still justifying why she did what she did and not following any advice from this thread. 
The advice to go NC, do 180, expose are ways of not just detaching but also for R. Exposure is to break the affair fog and get her to 'wake up' you haven't done that. In fact you are protecting her affair so she can continue in it without any accountability, guilt or shame. The purpose of exposure is not to cause the person shame it is to let them see the reality of what they are doing and as her H you have every right to do this. I do not know what you are being told in your church group, but forgive and forget is not the best approach. You are coming accross as weak and not the man who will fight for her. Women want their H to be men and are not attracted to wimpy men who give up without a fight.

However, to each his own. I hope all goes well for you no matter whatever way the chips fall.


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## Satya

OP, no one can handle this but you, however if you think she still "loves you deeply," then I think you need to go to individual counseling, immediately.


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## cbnero

1. Get yourself into IC immediately.
2. File the D immediately and have her served
3. Own your part but realize it's impossible to be perfect for anyone
4. Get rid of the cats, take them to a shelter
5. Move on with your life. You are blaming yourself and probably yes deserve your share. But not 100%. 
6. Forgive yourself and move on with your life.


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## McDean

mrwalters said:


> Do you really think it could be over that quickly. It all happened in the course of a month.
> I realize that to you it is cut and dry but should I really file for divorce right away. Don't some people do this because they are having a mid life crisis and then snap out of it. Etc


I do believe it can happen that fast from your perspective. Sadly I'm in the same boat though back in the trying to 'R' phase. For your wife, like mine it is not 'that fast' is built over years of them feeling verbally mistreated etc....

Honestly, I don't get it either. It appears that women simply can't forgive words, but they can forgive cheating? I never cheated either but told me that would have been easier to deal with than years of what she considers to be 'verbal meanness'....not to minimize because I know I was mean at times but it is almost like everything good that happened just doesn't exist.

Listen to the others who are posting on here and further along, at this point you need to turn your focus to you and 180 this scenario. I am reading voraciously right now because the R is not going so well and I will most likely end up where you are but not there yet....

Best wishes, hang in there sir!


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## CarlaRose

I'm sooooo very, very glad she left you. I'm sick of women putting up with men treating them like crap and just taking all the verbal abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse, and whatever kind of abuse he thinks is okay to dish out to the woman in their life. You deserved her having an affair, and she deserved it too because she NEEDED it. She NEEDED to be loved. She NEEDED to be treated well. She NEEDED to know she didn't deserve the things you did to her, the things you said to her, the awful way you treated her. You never thought "in a million years" that she would leave you? You knew what you were doing and thought she was going to just keep on putting up with you shi**ing on her for the rest of her life? You expected her to like your funny way of showing your love, I suppose.

You can listen to these people who despise someone having an affair. Maybe they make you feel better. You can dish her now and all the "stupid stuff" that she texts to you. Maybe that makes you feel better too. It isn't possible for me to care less about what makes you feel better now because she will be hurting for the rest of her life every time she has a flashback, just like she said it swirls around her head and her heart. But all you want is to feel better, so you let these people talk you into blaming her. Okay, do whatever it takes to get through your day and erase the memory and guilt of the fact that you alone destroyed your marriage by trying so hard to destroy her.

She found her own way to bounce back from you pretty quickly, and I'm sooooo very, very glad she left you. Bravo to her! And to think she only stayed as long as she did because she was concerned about YOU and didn't want to hurt YOU.


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## Lostinthought61

Mr Walters any update you can share about where you are in your journey...i truly hope you have found peace.


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## CarlaRose

McDean said:


> Honestly, I don't get it either. It appears that women simply can't forgive words, but they can forgive cheating? I never cheated either but told me that would have been easier to deal with than years of what she considers to be 'verbal meanness'....not to minimize because I know I was mean at times but it is almost like everything good that happened just doesn't exist.


Clueless. So totally clueless.

McDean, you need to think about what you said here, and ask yourself why you thought it was okay to treat your wife like crap. Think also about why you think she's just supposed accept and get over it, and why "everything good that happened" should be more important.

And please stop telling him to listen to the people here. You and he both should be thinking about your contemptible actions and learning your lessons so you don't treat another woman so badly, rather than the people here bashing HER to make YOU feel better about your "meanness."


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## Betrayedone

ToothFairy said:


> perhaps you should have thought about it at least once in those million years. I do not feel sorry for you... I feel sorry for your wife. Why in the world would you treat your "delicate" wife like dirt?! She deserves a better life and I hope she moves on and stays gone. You should get yourself in some therapy and figure out your issues. Maybe the next woman in your life will fare better.


Pretty quick to judge, I must say,,,,,,,As if you have never made any mistakes of this magnitude......


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## Betrayedone

CarlaRose said:


> I'm sooooo very, very glad she left you. I'm sick of women putting up with men treating them like crap and just taking all the verbal abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse, and whatever kind of abuse he thinks is okay to dish out to the woman in their life. You deserved her having an affair, and she deserved it too because she NEEDED it. She NEEDED to be loved. She NEEDED to be treated well. She NEEDED to know she didn't deserve the things you did to her, the things you said to her, the awful way you treated her. You never thought "in a million years" that she would leave you? You knew what you were doing and thought she was going to just keep on putting up with you shi**ing on her for the rest of her life? You expected her to like your funny way of showing your love, I suppose.
> 
> You can listen to these people who despise someone having an affair. Maybe they make you feel better. You can dish her now and all the "stupid stuff" that she texts to you. Maybe that makes you feel better too. It isn't possible for me to care less about what makes you feel better now because she will be hurting for the rest of her life every time she has a flashback, just like she said it swirls around her head and her heart. But all you want is to feel better, so you let these people talk you into blaming her. Okay, do whatever it takes to get through your day and erase the memory and guilt of the fact that you alone destroyed your marriage by trying so hard to destroy her.
> 
> She found her own way to bounce back from you pretty quickly, and I'm sooooo very, very glad she left you. Bravo to her! And to think she only stayed as long as she did because she was concerned about YOU and didn't want to hurt YOU.


This is supposed to be a site for helping not condemning.........A little angry, are we?


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