# Mid-life.



## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

I think I've fallen victim to a mid-life crisis. Ok maybe victim is a bit much. But I'm definitely having a mid life situation. Married 13 years with 2 children 9 and 12. If I had to put it bluntly. I'm a much better mom than a wife. My children are my life. Husband? Here goes. I don't think I'm attracted to h any more. I find myself changing. I practically live at the gym because I believe in keeping fit and feeling good about myself. H does not. He could sit on the couch all day I eat healthy. He does not. Recently this bothers me more and more. Also I feel we are losing common interests. I'm bored. I will admit I have a good life my h is a great provider we have great kids great family great friends. He just doesn't want to do anything with anyone. I have to Make him basically. I enjoy doing things. But I end up at parties and functions by myself or just me and the kids as he is too tired or not in the mood. He is overweight depressed and moody. I tried talking to him but I can't make him do anything he has to want to be motivated. In the last year I've gotten more attention from men too. Not that I ask for it or act on it but for the first time in 13 years I'm noticing. I've even been asked out. Purely innocent by a man not knowing I was married etc. I wish my H would be more aware and interested but it's always the same. I'm lost. I am confused and frustrated. 

In all honesty. I'm happier when he is not even around. Sad but true. Advice????


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Do you wear your wedding ring?


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Yes. H does not


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

H is 8 years older not that it really matters but he acts even older than he is


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Nextlife said:


> Yes. H does not


Then why do you say that the "innocent" man didnt know? More like didnt care. 

Personally, I have always felt that mankind seems to do NOTHING until sh*t hits the fan. Asking him nicely, telling him that you need this and that... it probably wont work. As long as he has your support and his kids, he has no means to see anything truly wrong. 

If I were you, and you want to get back the man you used to know, I would shock him hard and fast. Serve him with divorce papers. That will wake him up real quick. If he values the marriage, he will be forced to take your words from another perspective- he will realize its not just the same idle talk everywhere in today's society. 

Another man is going to come (pun intended) if you stay on this path; something needs to change to fix your marriage. Shock him!


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

I think that divorce papers are premature, but I agree your H needs a jolt. I'd tell him you are feeling distance grow between you, that you are getting noticed by other men (and are noticing this), and one even asked you out. What do you intend to do about this, my dear husband?

ETA: Whatever your current intentions and beliefs, you are in dangerous territory for being vulnerable to an affair. Please watch out.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Philat said:


> I think that divorce papers are premature, but I agree your H needs a jolt. I'd tell him you are feeling distance grow between you, that you are getting noticed by other men (and are noticing this), and one even asked you out. What do you intend to do about this, my dear husband?
> 
> ETA: Whatever your current intentions and beliefs, you are in dangerous territory for being vulnerable to an affair. Please watch out.


Perhaps it is, and you make good points. Hopefully something else works..


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Philat said:


> I think that divorce papers are premature, but I agree your H needs a jolt. I'd tell him you are feeling distance grow between you, that you are getting noticed by other men (and are noticing this), and one even asked you out. What do you intend to do about this, my dear husband?
> 
> ETA: Whatever your current intentions and beliefs, you are in dangerous territory for being vulnerable to an affair. Please watch out.


You know, Ive thought a little bit more about this. Heres the thing (and its just some thoughts):

I know that this forum is big on love languages and marriage counseling and all that, but I am hesitant when things appear clingy. Clingy is a surefire way to push the others away. If you spend a year doing all the proper things and come off as needy and desperate, then you end up with a failed marriage.

I suppose for that reason, I am the biggest fan of an immediate 180. Let them realize you have the confidence to walk and that your life has value independent of them. You try to be reasonable and when they blow you off, SHOCK. Bam. "Wait a minute. My wife wants to divorce me?? Look at all the things I have. They dont mean crap! I want my wife!!"

I am not discounting marriage counseling and love languages; they are fantastic forms of perspective modification when BOTH PARTIES are involved. But until both parties are involved, its just one clinging to the other. I believe that in most cases their is a passion deep within that just needs to be uncovered; the couple got married for a reason.

Just IMO and again perhaps my suggestion is premature. The whole point is to share thoughts on this with the OP.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> Just IMO and again perhaps my suggestion is premature. The whole point is to share thoughts on this with the OP.


Yep, that's why we're here.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

But how many times have we heard here where a wife has tried for years to tell her hb she's miserable but he blows it off. Then she detaches, asks for a divorce, he freaks out and tries to change. Then when she's not receptive because she's already detached the forum will assure him she's having an affair, its not his fault, and he doesn't deserve this. If she asks for a divorce BEFORE she's detached then if he comes around she might be receptive; if he ignores her what has she lost?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> You know, Ive thought a little bit more about this. Heres the thing (and its just some thoughts):
> 
> I know that this forum is big on love languages and marriage counseling and all that, but I am hesitant when things appear clingy. Clingy is a surefire way to push the others away. If you spend a year doing all the proper things and come off as needy and desperate, then you end up with a failed marriage.
> 
> ...


Your last paragraph exactly. Men and women don't always communicate well. In all fairness what you have to do is to sit your husband down for a long and serious talk. You know the points you have to make. But the first should be that you need affection and intimacy. Then explain what those mean to you.

Then run down the other points you made in your initial post.

Don't be accusatory. Don't blame. Be as simple and direct as you can. Let him know how you appreciate the way he has built the family through his hard work and earnings. But the point is that you are not willing to live out the remainder of your life in your present situation. There is romance and social life out there. You don't want it, you NEED it.

Listen to him carefully. My guess is that he won't get it right off. He'll think that you want him to turn into Brad Pit or somebody and he knows he can't do that. So you will have to go over things with him so that he knows what it is that you really want. 

I hesitate to bring this up because you didn't really mention it, but are you satisfied with your sex life. I don't have to tell you that that can be a major issue.

Good luck. With some effort I think that this can work out.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> But how many times have we heard here where a wife has tried for years to tell her hb she's miserable but he blows it off. Then she detaches, asks for a divorce, he freaks out and tries to change. Then when she's not receptive because she's already detached the forum will assure him she's having an affair, its not his fault, and he doesn't deserve this. If she asks for a divorce BEFORE she's detached then if he comes around she might be receptive; if he ignores her what has she lost?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's why I don't advocate the 180 treatment. It is for helping you detach from your spouse. And that is NOT what the OP wants. What you describe above is often a product of the 180.

If folks feel the need to do geometry, they can try the 360.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Thank you all for the advice. To answer some questions yes shock would be interesting but throwing the D word around is not my intention. I don't believe using that as a wake up cell however other things yes. I already know he sees that I certainly have confidence in myself. That being said. I would hope he would want to try to be confident too but he doesn't seem to get it. I know he works hard etc. but I can't handle this old man syndrome it's literally a nightmare. Our sex life is blah. I do have to really have a long long chat about all of it. No I'm not having an affair or looking to have one but yes I do notice the eye candy out there more so than ever only because I don't see it at home. No I'm not in dangerous territory I won't go there but for goodness sake I need to wake H up. And SOON Thanks all


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I don't think I would threaten to divorce him or he may take you up on it if he feels you don't care anything about him. However I would sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel. If he doesn't at least try maybe you should leave.

I have to agree once you have lost your connection to someone its not likely to come back and is too late for any change. Still I don't think I would ask for a divorce.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Lifeistooshort. Exactly. I see that all so often. The husband always realizes when it's too late.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Thank Thebes. My thoughts too. I hope it doesn't get worse or else that eventually would be my only choice. But for now I will try to communicate. I have too many friends that went through unhappiness for years and years to finally just end it all w divorce.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Nextlife said:


> Lifeistooshort. Exactly. I see that all so often. The husband always realizes when it's too late.


I was just thinking it might take you having a foot out the door to get him to understand how serious this is. The key is to achieve this while you're still interested. I don't have the answer to this, I was unable to get through to my first husband before I'd had enough and left him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

My husband is older than me by a decade. Recently, I lost 20 pounds while he continued to let himself go. He stopped exercising and began to eat all sorts of garbage. Luckily, my husband woke up when I told him that I was less attracted to him. 

After about five polite discussions about his weight and seeing no effort to lose it, I finally told my hubby that I did not like fat men with breasts. Now he is running again and eating much better. :smthumbup: I had to get a little bit harsh for my husband to take me seriously. 

It could be that your husband is just introverted. My husband is very quiet and dislikes socializing. However, he will attend parties with me and I will lie down and read with him. It is about compromise.

Go to a place where you and your husband can have long uninterrupted discussions. Calmly and lovingly state your concerns and request that he make some changes. If after a month there has been no improvement, bring up the issue again. Be more blunt and see if that helps.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Charolette. Thank you. You've said what I'm always thinking. I'm so afraid to be so blunt and hurt his feelings. He knows he's over weight however he doesn't seem to care and well I look at it differently like he doesn't care enough about me then. I'm sure if I suddenly left and he had to date again he would care about his looks more right??? I won't let myself go so why does he? Geez I went to the gym when I was pregnant for goodness sake. 

I guess I just really need to be blunt. I'm blunt with so many things but have a hard time with this. It sounds mean but we went on vacation with a bunch of other families and I was actually embarassed for him with his shirt off All the other men were in shape. He just doesn't care. I just hope I simply don't lose my mind. I'm so done


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My advice is to see a lawyer, talk about a legal separation, have him/her draw up the papers, and hand those papers to your husband. Tell him you haven't set a date on it yet but it is ever in your mind. And that if nothing changes between the two of you, you WILL be separating within the year.

Then see what happens.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Turners. Back in July we were actually at that point and it just rolled off and we just never separated. Believe me that thought runs through my head DAILY. So frustrated. So sad.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, but you DIDN'T do anything, did you? Men stop listening when the women stop acting. That's why I say get the REAL PAPERS to place in his hands. That will tell him that you went to the trouble to start the procedure, which is the ONLY way he will listen.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

turnera said:


> Yes, but you DIDN'T do anything, did you? Men stop listening when the women stop acting. That's why I say get the REAL PAPERS to place in his hands. That will tell him that you went to the trouble to start the procedure, which is the ONLY way he will listen.


I have nothing to add. I just want to add my voice as one who agrees. I do not agree with others who think this can be worked out in any other way. I DO acknowledge this is all opinion.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Nextlife said:


> Charolette. Thank you. You've said what I'm always thinking. I'm so afraid to be so blunt and hurt his feelings. He knows he's over weight however he doesn't seem to care and well I look at it differently like he doesn't care enough about me then. I'm sure if I suddenly left and he had to date again he would care about his looks more right??? I won't let myself go so why does he? Geez I went to the gym when I was pregnant for goodness sake.
> 
> I guess I just really need to be blunt. I'm blunt with so many things but have a hard time with this. It sounds mean but we went on vacation with a bunch of other families and I was actually embarassed for him with his shirt off All the other men were in shape. He just doesn't care. I just hope I simply don't lose my mind. I'm so done



I think sometimes men assume weight bothers us less than it bothers them. They know it bothers them but they've somehow gotten this ridiculous idea that they're more visual than us. You see it all the time on this site...they don't get that we're just as visual as they are but due to the way we're raised we're less honest about it. That's on us, we need to be honest about the fact that fat, saggy men don't turn us on regardless of how much money he has.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Yes I too have to just be more verbal. Can't let it go on longer. Thanks all


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I'm glad you are here right now because most of us never got here until too late, when someone like you in this position went off had an affair and destroyed everything 

This is the exact point when all those 'waywards to be' stopped talking, just went off and did their own thing and with a seed in their heads that said "well he cant be bothered so if I have someone who cares then I'm justified" 

You sound really responsible and about to understand that you are somewhat on a 'brink'

You've noticed the attention already and I'm sure it's crossed your mind if you're honest 
*BUT DON'T GO THERE* - you are better than that

As a person you will fell so much better even if you end your marriage and are single. If it does all go pear shaped you will still have your honesty, your dignity, your integrity. 

*These are the important things that are gone forever when you cross to being a wayward spouse*

You NEVER get them back - EVER 

_______

As mentioned you MUST talk you simply MUST.

I believe you should mention the divorce word because clearly your man is in a comfort zone and he needs to be smashed out of it.

Hinting in these situation is never enough 

Send him here if you like and we'll happily pull him up by his bootstraps and let him know what is coming if he carries on with his complacency about your marriage about your love and about you still being together 

_________

Every now and again we are at a crossroads and things need to be open so pathways can be cleared or changed direction. 

Should you go down the 'dark path' read up from the wayward spouses on here and find out first hand what is waiting for you - *It's all bad* nothing good, even if you reconcile it will be years of heavy lifting and probable divorce 

Chances of getting it all back as good as before adultery are slim, although not impossible, as you'll find out 

Don't do it 

Be interested to see how this would turn out 

Fingers crossed


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Good luck - I believe this can be saved. 

Does he get regular physicals? I'm thinking he could be depressed or have low T that results in his just sitting around. I would also tell him how much you miss certain things that you two used to do together.

If he is open to improving, getting a checkup, etc. then discuss the things you want to do and make a pact where he attends a certain number of functions with you (or agrees to host). Maybe you agree to leave when he is ready but he has to give it a couple hours first... he may find he starts to enjoy things again. Also agree to do some things HE wants to do, even if it's just to sit and watch a movie. This together time is important to keeping you two close.

Good luck!


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

*Re: Re: Mid-life.*



OptimisticPessimist said:


> You know, Ive thought a little bit more about this. Heres the thing (and its just some thoughts):
> 
> I know that this forum is big on love languages and marriage counseling and all that, but I am hesitant when things appear clingy. Clingy is a surefire way to push the others away. If you spend a year doing all the proper things and come off as needy and desperate, then you end up with a failed marriage.
> 
> ...


I aggree. Most people will do nothing until they have too. You bring up your concerns but there comes a time when your being ignored you have to be willing to leave to get peoples attention.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Nextlife said:


> Thank you all for the advice. To answer some questions yes shock would be interesting but throwing the D word around is not my intention. I don't believe using that as a wake up cell however other things yes. *I already know he sees that I certainly have confidence in myself. That being said. I would hope he would want to try to be confident too but he doesn't seem to get it.* I know he works hard etc.* but I can't handle this old man syndrome it's literally a nightmare. Our sex life is blah.* I do have to really have a long long chat about all of it. *No I'm not having an affair or looking to have one but yes I do notice the eye candy out there more so than ever only because I don't see it at home. No I'm not in dangerous territory I won't go there but for goodness sake I need to wake H up. And SOON* Thanks all


I understand where you are coming from... 
When I had my so called Mid Life Crisis...WOW... I swear I stepped into the body of a raging hormonal 20 yr old... all I wanted to do is go back in time, I wanted to RE-live what I felt *we* missed....sexually.......It helped that I looked upon this as a *"WE"*...

I suddenly wanted sex like 3 times a day.. honestly IF my husband would have pushed me away.. I think it would have destructed our marriage..... it was in the way he handled me..during mine...that made me fall so deeply into him... it was the best darn thing that ever happened to us ! though still some struggles were there, I questioned his desire, caused him some performance pressure , even sent him to the Doc to get his testosterone checked...(Viagra I love you!)... 

Your husband needs to "get it"...you are going through something right now.. it's a very vulnerable time.. I hope he doesn't brush you off......

I'm all for being HONEST....lay it out there....you NEED what you need..for him to rise up... *do things with you, work on his weight..show effort !!*..you can help with these things too, change some eating habits along with him...his being over weight could affect his T levels too...

It's an *emotional NEED* for you..I bet you feel this way strongly..

Our hormones go freaking crazy in mid life.. I suddenly felt more confident too.... I was thinking I had a sex addiction for a time.....your husband sitting on the couch all day depressed & moody...oh boy!!....while boredom is eating you alive...not goooood...I went out of my way to turn him on... I read books on Sex... how to please a man... I planned Romantic vacations for just the 2 of us...it threw us into a mid life Honey moon really!

His attitude was paramount here...

I hope your husband will hear you... you don't want to be a "walk away wife".. if it comes to that... he needs to understand -he too had a hand in this..he has an opportunity to step up....care....meet you half way...indulge you where he can...to re-ignite the fire again...regain the passion.. if you are tempted by other MEN...it is lurking within you..


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Nextlife said:


> Charolette. Thank you. You've said what I'm always thinking. I'm so afraid to be so blunt and hurt his feelings. He knows he's over weight however he doesn't seem to care and well I look at it differently like he doesn't care enough about me then. I'm sure if I suddenly left and he had to date again he would care about his looks more right??? I won't let myself go so why does he? Geez I went to the gym when I was pregnant for goodness sake.
> 
> I guess I just really need to be blunt. I'm blunt with so many things but have a hard time with this. It sounds mean but we went on vacation with a bunch of other families and I was actually embarassed for him with his shirt off All the other men were in shape. He just doesn't care. I just hope I simply don't lose my mind. I'm so done


I think that there is a need for harsh comments when being polite and sensitive doesn't work. My husband and I have a no shouting rule. However, he knows that if he has promised to do something yet does not follow through, there is no way I am going to be polite after talking about the same thing fifty times. 
I keep my word and I expect my husband to keep his. 

I bet your husband would make changes if you told him how fat he was and how you aren't attracted to him anymore. You could also follow that up with "I didn't marry a fat man and I refuse to stay married to one. You can either get in shape or I can walk away. Your choice." 

There was a period of time that I stayed in my pajamas and bathrobe on my days off. My husband said that it made me look depressed. He also said: "Who would want to come home to that?" My husband's blunt words made me realize that my appearance is important to him. Now he never comes home to me in jammies unless I am sick.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Did he ever enjoy working out and doing things with others? Have you always been this way or is it new for you? 

Seems to me if something doesn't change you're on your way to becoming a walk away wife. Things are stagnant between the two of you. Is he depressed at all? He has lost his spark and he needs to figure out why.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

All these suggestions and comments make perfect sense to me. @simplyamorous.. Yes sometimes I feel more like a 20 year old as in wanting sex.. however.. I don't want it with H. and THAT is bad. Like I said I'm just not attracted to him these days. I have been more on the polite side I have mentioned that he needs to BE HEALTHIER.. I'm telling you he agrees then brushes it off. I cook healthy meals etc. I don't know what he eats at work. I do think he needs to see a DR and get some type of XANAX or depression meds.. he blames everything on work and YES he works hard but he always has .. so I'm tired of that freaking excuse for everything. 

I don't want to be in that situation where I'm doing my own thing, he does his and we barely talk.. I can't take that. I will sit with him to discuss what we need to do.. 

I have no problem meeting halfway but there has to be some changes or I'm going to go bananas. Thanks


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

scarlett.. he worked out in his 20's 
He was married once before and I think that is when he cared about his appearance more.. He was much younger too. i met him when he was 37 and he just worked.. He's a workaholic and believe me all the "things" we have shows he's business first. I admired that about him.. he's an amazing provider. He makes excuses.. when he is home however.. he can walk or get on a bike etc. he just doesn't. It's a nightmare


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Seems maybe you grew and changed but he didn't come along for that...seems he stayed the same as when you married him.

I'm getting the feeling he's in some sort of wind down relaxed stage in life while you're in a totally different stage.

and there's definitely no particular man you're interested in outside of marriage? What if he gets his act together and starts getting into shape,doing things with you,and being what you need? Do you think this loss of attraction will turn itself around then?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How much time do you two spend together away from kids/chores/tv/computer/work? Dr. Harley suggests at least 15 hours a week is required to stay in love with someone. That means having coffee together, calling each other at lunch, meeting for lunch sometimes, getting a sitter, going on day trips...you have to work at the marriage to stay in love. 

Plus, he needs to know, NOW, how you feel.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry Nextlife, you are already half checked out of your marriage. If you are horny but " not for your H" you are in the red zone for an affair. If you want to save your marriage you are probably going to have to do most of the initial work.

Some of the work needs to be done on you. Your sexual desire needs to be aimed at him.

Even when husbands fi finally get it and start trying to improve, if you have lost your desire for your H you have to be mostly responsible for finding it again.

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

OP,
I agree with other posters, you need to lay it on the line bluntly, with brutal honesty. As women, we're not conditioned to do that because we're supposed to be "nice" and sensitive to the feelings of others.

But, in this case, you have to be cruel to be kind. Tell your H, very bluntly, "I love you, but I am not turned on by you. I want to be attracted to you, but when I look at you, I see someone who is overweight and doesn't take care of himself. Instead, I find I'm attracted to other men who are in good shape." 

Classic, start each sentence with "I want...", "I need..." You can state hard truths this way without putting him on the defense too much.

Hopefully, you'll get to the point where he agrees that he needs to change something. Then you can offer, "What can I do to help you get healthier." You're a team on this one. And you've got his back.

I hope he gets his wake up call and you will both be happier.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Yes I may have to re-evaluate M-F I literally see him for dinner then that is it.. off to bed because he is up at 4:00am every day. I seriously TRY to communicate talk about his day..but honestly he vents about work most of the time. I don't think he is particularly interested in my day.. (that's just my feeling) 

The kids talk to daddy and I think he's too damn tired to even listen to them. I'm scared that my marriage is go ing in the wrong direction. This isn't new I've been feeling lost for the past year. Again blaming it on MID -LIFE thinking it will go away or I will get over the changes I'm feeling.. 

YES he needs to know How I feel.. absolutely and as far as sexual desire I think I worded it wrong.. I'm NOT dying for sex. I serious don't care it's just I'm not into it at all with H.. I do it but Its the same old thing etc. If I do feel sexual.. then I'm thinking outside the box. Try to bring that to the bedroom and well.. it's just not working.

I'm so lost. and sad. 


and Yes Conanhub you said it……….Even when husbands fi finally get it and start trying to improve, if you have lost your desire for your H you have to be mostly responsible for finding it again


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

LET ME ASK YOU ALL THIS….
Last year H did tell me something about a friend of his.. He said this friend cheated on his wife. H said this friend was going through some kind of Mid-life. This was all last year.

The wife never knew about the cheating…..and Recently H told me.. that his friend is all reconnected with his wife they are so in love again and he is happy for him but… believes that it's because his friend encouraged his wife to get breast augmentation. She did, he paid and coincidentally now he is suddenly super attracted to her.. H found this horrible and honestly so did I. 

However, now i feel like a hypocrite because I'm sort of saying the same thing..


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Nextlife said:


> LET ME ASK YOU ALL THIS….
> Last year H did tell me something about a friend of his.. He said this friend cheated on his wife. H said this friend was going through some kind of Mid-life. This was all last year.
> 
> The wife never knew about the cheating…..and Recently H told me.. that his friend is all reconnected with his wife they are so in love again and he is happy for him but… believes that it's because his friend encouraged his wife to get breast augmentation. She did, he paid and coincidentally now he is suddenly super attracted to her.. H found this horrible and honestly so did I.
> ...


I dont see a question 

Do you mean that somehow you expecting your husband to engage you in the marriage is hypocritical because you find a breast augmentation as a means to improve marriage in a completely different relationship horrible?

No, I dont think its hypocritical. If he doesnt make you feel, then you have every right to talk with him about it, or shock him into re-evaluating his discourse with you.

To me, it sounds like you are ripe and prime for an affair- I would stay away from all men like the plague until it gets resolved one way or the other. If you have one, the guilt will eat you and his ego will be bruised badly.

File. Do it now. Keep an open mind that perhaps change can happen, but let him convince you. If he doesnt attempt to do that, your marriage has only been a piece of paper for quite a while already. Good luck...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why is it he is gone 18 hours every day?


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

He works an hour and 1 1/2 drive away 

He owns the business needs to get there early then 2 hour drive home. He gets home by 6 ish latest 8 

he's exhausted. I don't blame him.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Thanks Opp.. and it may sound like I'm ripe for an affair but trust me I'm not. I can't do that. I won't do that. Just want what I have to work.. and I'm not sure if it will.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe you need to sit down with him and brainstorm ways for him to give up some of the control at his company to the people he (I assume) has hired to work for him? Either that, or MOVE. Three to five hours a day on commuting is ridiculous and unfair to YOU.

The truth is, if he's unwilling to find a way to make his family a priority over his business, you'll be divorced in a few years. You are NOT his mother and it's not your JOB to provide him everything in life while you get nothing. I guarantee that's not what you assumed when you married. So why do you accept it now? Just because you're a woman and were raised to get along?


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

The whole business thing is sort of an issue.. he split from partners 4 years ago and thus causing him to work even more because now he started over so to speak. I HAVE talked to him about it.. and believe me when it comes to business.. It's hitting a wall and YES.. this is an issue.

I personally don't mind if he isn't here.. but when he is .. I do expect him to BE HERE KWIM? If he can't then YES we have a problem.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Looks like there are several issues here. I'm going to make some observations, and hopefully it will help the OP add clarity.


Husband starts work at 4 am everyday. OP states he runs his own business. Is he really a workaholic or is this out of necessity? Just an observation, but if I was going coming home late from work everyday and then starting again at 4 am, I wouldn't care much about exercise either.
OP is a stay at home mom? Are you spending a lot of time at the gym during the day while H is working? Depending on what your H does for a living, what if you could work with him at his job? Would he work less if the OP could pitch in at the business?
OP mentioned that she felt he paid more attention to his looks with his first wife vs. with her. Did the H have a business where he dedicated all this time to it while he was in his first marriage? I doubt it.
Owning a business typically is a huge time sink. The payoff can be better than working for someone else, but do you really want to be a slave to your business? Be your own boss??? That's a joke if you ask me. So would the H be willing to sell his business and work for a company for the sake of the family and marriage - assuming the OP cannot pitch in with the business?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Headspin said:


> I'm glad you are here right now because most of us never got here until too late, when someone like you in this position went off had an affair and destroyed everything


I take umbrage with this statement. I think it's unfair to lay so much burden at someone's feet like this TBH. I think in many circumstances a neglectful spouse can "destroy everything" too. A build up of years of resentment can be very damaging to a marriage too - especially if the neglected spouse feels like he/she is unloved and the neglectful spouse trivializes the concerns of the neglected spouse. A case where a spouse withholds sex to the point the marriage is clinically sexless would have "destroyed everything" just as effectively as a cheating spouse IMHO.

Having said that, I think the OP is being a little selfish and unfair here given what we know about the situation so far and how hard the husband has to work. However, if the husband could easily cut down on the work load and still make a good living, then it's more of a pride issue with the H where he could be showing what he really feels is important in his life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think it's more of a deal where she makes sure all his needs are met so he couldn't give a flying fig if she's unhappy. After all, he only has to see her 10 hours a week and in the meantime, she does everything for him. Assuming he's even really working all those hours...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> I think it's more of a deal where she makes sure all his needs are met so he couldn't give a flying fig if she's unhappy. After all, he only has to see her 10 hours a week and in the meantime, she does everything for him. Assuming he's even really working all those hours...


Quite possible. We don't have enough info to know for sure one way or the other. I think much of it will depend on feedback from the OP in determining what a good speculation vs one that is off the mark. One of my posts was giving the H more of the benefit of the doubt - especially if he's getting up at 4 am everyday to go to work and coming home late. But if he's terrible at time management or is actually screwing off, then that's a HUGE issue.

IMHO, if you own your own business and are working 80 to 100 hours a week, then that's a caustic situation for a marriage - unless both spouses agree to this and are committed to keeping it going. Even that, both need to be on the same page so that the commitment is based on shared interests and not for selfish purposes (like using the time to cheat, for example).


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

I have a big question for the ladies on this site.

Say your husband earns excellent money, has given you everything you want you have known him 34 years been married almost 27 (now 28) and he works out 6 days a week eats amazingly well is 51 but has a six pack and I don't mean beer, actually works out with you and you are the female equivalent of him. Income about 65% of his,you are highly inteligent 52 years old. just finishing menopause. Two great sons.

But..there have been arguments, disrespect on both sides but you still love each other, oh can I add SEX Sat and Sunday after the Gym at least one other night during the week for all those years and you enjoy it and would rather satisfy your husband than fake it.

Then you go on a $25,000 Vacation and decide to run around in a Serious EA with the tour guide who is 6'2' 40 lbs over weight, is missing two teeth, has Diabetes, looks 20 years older than you and tells you the physical does not mean much and then admits he has issues with little willy. 

You and your husband go through coaching, IC, MC etc, thinks look good and then all of a sudden decide I need this man...I am leaving my husband and children for him, He understand me, he promises me a life of meeting people all over the world, living in another country (every 4 months for 4 months)in Israel. 

Now all of a sudden want to move back home but maintain a "Friendship" with this man ....

What would be the reason why a woman would do this to her husband? 

I am just asking because I am this husband and it goes so much against what you are saying...

I just have to believe that its that Nextlife is just done with her husband and it has nothing to do with looks and weight etc...

I thought with woman its more than just looks!?


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Nextlife said:


> I think I've fallen victim to a mid-life crisis.


I have read the entire thread, and I would guess the MLC is with your DH.



Nextlife said:


> If I had to put it bluntly. I'm a much better mom than a wife.


Why would you say that?



Nextlife said:


> My children are my life. Husband?


Your children are more important to you than your DH?



Nextlife said:


> Husband? Here goes. I don't think I'm attracted to h any more.


I believe your DH knows this. 



Nextlife said:


> He is overweight depressed and moody. I tried talking to him but I can't make him do anything he has to want to be motivated.


What did you say to him? That you love him and it hurts you to see him suffering?

For all of us, there are only two things that matter, work and love. Work is anything that fulfills our sense purpose in the world, the engagement of our productive passions. Love is all that brings us connection with other humans. In a MLC, part of the problem is redefining work and love. The larger issue is creating the right balance between the two.

I think you are asking your DH to shift some of his productive energies from 'work' to 'love'. You make this point by telling him how you feel. Love in this case is the love of oneself (taking care of physical health) and taking care of the family. You need to explain clearly that you will graciously and willingly accept the consequences of this change. (business may suffer, income goes down etc.). Kindest Regards-


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

My first impression is your husband needs to see a doctor for a full physical. 

He sounds like he could be suffering from depression. 

The three hour daily commute is brutal - especially six days a week. If that won't change how realistic is it to move closer to work?

That being said can you get him on a Paleo diet? It's an easy sell for guys since it's lots of meat...that and even 10 minutes of weights (heavy) twice a week will make a huge difference.

But seriously - you really need to get him to a Doctor for a full check up.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

I feel for you OP. My H gained a lot of weight; I was disgusted by the whole thing. Having sex was turning into a chore. It took me buying a scale and moving out of the bedroom for him to start dieting. Damn sleeping in a bed with someone who snores so loud because of their weight is tiresome. It took me saying if you don't care enough that I can't sleep then I don't care enough to sleep in the same bed with you. And off I went.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

So, let me get this straight. Husband job + commute has him out of the house 14 hours a day. He's committing roughly 70 hours a week to work, plus he has the responsibility of running the business himself.

And let's see, you're a SAHM. You get the kids off to school. You have roughly 30 to 40 solo hours to handle your tasks. Keep the house in order, make sure everything's going right with kids, you might be able to fit in an hour or two at the gym everyday.

But life's not perfect because the hubby who's bustin' his hump for the family has the audacity to be tired when he gets home. He's not as exciting or interesting as the guy you dated. And OMG, he's getting old and fat. Sorry, but these complaints strike me as shallow and self-centered.

Here's my suggestion. Re-start your career and try earning some extra cash when kids are at school. Maybe it may take some of the earning pressure off of your husband. If you were really successful, maybe he could quit and take care of the kids. I'm just guessing here, but I suppose he would love to take care of the house and maybe squeeze in a 90 minute workout everyday. 

Basically, you have a husband who's working himself into an early grave primarily for your benefit. And the thanks you have for him is nagging him (or at least holding internal resentments) about him not exercising enough or not being a sparkling, engaging conversationalist. News flash: He's worn out! He's barely surviving. And - to boot- he has a wife who barely recognizes the effort that he is putting in. Were I in that situation as a husband, you'd bet I'd be depressed. 

You're pointing the finger at him for your relationship troubles. But when you point the finger, you gotta remember there are four more of those fingers pointing back at you. 

What are you doing to lighten his load? Do you even get up to make him coffee or breakfast to send him on his way every morning? I'll bet not. It's early enough for him to haul his butt off and go to work. But my hunch is that it's too early for the Mrs. to wake up and help him out. That would ruin your day. You'd probably be too tired for your workout at the gym if you had to wake up at 4 a.m. and help him get a start to his day (before going back to sleep for another two hours.)

You seem primarily focused on what he should be doing to "keep pace" with you and make your life better. If I were him, I'd be asking what you're doing to make his life better. Based on the nature of the posts, I'm guessing its not much.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

A spouse, man or woman, has a responsibility to maintain their health. One cannot do a good job at work if one's arteries are clogged with plaque and the brain is losing blood. Moreover, all the fat undermines male hormone levels.

The advantage with filing for divorce is that it is unambiguous. The threat of divorce is a wake up call. The wife who is detached needs to be supportive so that the husband understands that a plaintive begging voice will not repair the situation.

Your husband needs to be told that you will make every effort to rebond. He needs to hit the gym. Why can't you live closer to the business? If you cannot, then maybe he should live in an apartment close to work 4 nights a week. Can you supply him with good food to heat in the microwave?

Instead of driving 4 hours each day he can work out and sleep more. On Friday, Saturdays and Sundays he can return home. All of the driving must be killing him.

He is largely responsible for this unhealthy situation. But you must alert him to the need for change.

Many live this lifestyle and it is not smart.

You should buy him the MMSL

You need to act quickly and resolutely.

How old are your children?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SteveK said:


> What would be the reason why a woman would do this to her husband?


That's easy:
1) arguments
2)He understand me, he promises me a life of meeting people all over the world, living in another country (every 4 months for 4 months)in Israel. 

I don't know how to make men understand that women don't care about six-packs and looks a TENTH as much as they care about security, safety, understanding, and, yes, maybe travel (if that was a passion of hers that had gone unanswered). For most women, they'd rather live in a shack with a man who makes them laugh and giggle and smile every day than someone who pursues a career with gusto and makes achieving things more important.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MarriedTex said:


> Basically, you have a husband who's working himself into an early grave primarily for your benefit.


How do you know that? Most men I know who work a LOT, do it because it gives THEM a kick. If he was just a drone and hating his work so much, he'd find a way to change it.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I take umbrage with this statement. I think it's unfair to lay so much burden at someone's feet like this TBH. I think in many circumstances a neglectful spouse can "destroy everything" too. A build up of years of resentment can be very damaging to a marriage too - especially if the neglected spouse feels like he/she is unloved and the neglectful spouse trivializes the concerns of the neglected spouse. A case where a spouse withholds sex to the point the marriage is clinically sexless would have "destroyed everything" just as effectively as a cheating spouse IMHO.
> 
> Having said that, I think the OP is being a little selfish and unfair here given what we know about the situation so far and how hard the husband has to work. However, if the husband could easily cut down on the work load and still make a good living, then it's more of a pride issue with the H where he could be showing what he really feels is important in his life.


Why umbrage (= offence) 

No burden at all.

My point my main point is that she finds herself in that place where it now only takes a flicker of even genuine interest from another man and I mean 'genuine' not a 'player' ie someone who shows her real warmth and empathy and bang she's gone. You can see she's ready for a connection, an EA and with her low view of her husband as it now stands that could then catapult itself into a PA rapidly

It's no use saying "no no that's not what can happen here " because this is exactly the situation that then unabated becomes an affair an adultery a home and marriage breaker. This is *exactly* the chemical elements that create the basis for infidelity

Where she is now is where I'd say 75% of all affairs start from.

Actually you're mistaken if you think I'm having a go at her. I'm not. I'm very much on her side and seeing as she seems a level headed individual who knows her mind I'm just gently warning her that she's close to things becoming something else 

Look at this - everything is in place here for an affair the only thing missing is that chance meeting with a fit but personable other man who ignites her. 

She's at the gym there are men around that see her as very attractive, she's already noticed that attention. Her husband is sitting around at home and as you have kind of pointed out this chasm in their relationship is mainly at his doorstep. But her falling prey to outside forces will not make it better, it will not match up against his 'complacency'. Later should she commit adultery she will, as we see here regularly on TAM, feel huge regret about the people she could hurt.

Communication is paramount and then if no joy finish with him and go her own way. 

For me it's fantastic that she has found this site. It's rare that we see a person who is at this stage and is ready and willing to listen to the voices of experience that we all have here 

As someone said this can certainly be saved or least she can walk away with her head held high and her honesty and dignity intact 

Her husband, for all his admirable efforts and for his hard work is actually in my opinion being a prize idiot. 
Why do you do all that work? So you can provide for your loved ones and then when you have that family why not actually enjoy a bit of the life you worked so hard to get ?

So you can spend *time* with them and share the fruits of your labours 

It does sound salvageable to me. He needs the proverbial 'kick in the balls' to wake him from his complacent stupor. 
She sounds like a gem and if he loses her then he'll regret it imo


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

MarriedTex said:


> So, let me get this straight. Husband job + commute has him out of the house 14 hours a day. He's committing roughly 70 hours a week to work, plus he has the responsibility of running the business himself.
> 
> And let's see, you're a SAHM. You get the kids off to school. You have roughly 30 to 40 solo hours to handle your tasks. Keep the house in order, make sure everything's going right with kids, you might be able to fit in an hour or two at the gym everyday.
> 
> ...


Hey but come on here. You can put up every reasons you want to justify his position, but fk it do *you* want to come home or prepare meals and clean for some fat slob who doesn't show that he gives a sh!t about you?

Thought not

And don't be ridiculous if I (or you) had to get up for work at 4am I'd never allow my wife to get up to make me a coffee before I go, christ! - she can sleep and get ready for her day in her own good time why drag her into that start?!?! 

Answer me this - if your wife was up at 4am for work and expected you to get up and make breakfast for her her would you do it?? I know I would NOT. 

From what I read she does recognize his efforts in terms of his work she said it more than once .

I know marriage is for life and vows but you have a responsibility imo to try and keep the romance the spark 
going in some way.

I also appreciate we cant all send our days trying to look like Brad Pitt etc etc but you do have a responsibility to make yourself presentable to make more of an effort. This guy sounds like he does not give a toss 

He needs a slap


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MarriedTex said:


> So, let me get this straight. Husband job + commute has him out of the house 14 hours a day. He's committing roughly 70 hours a week to work, plus he has the responsibility of running the business himself.
> 
> And let's see, you're a SAHM. You get the kids off to school. You have roughly 30 to 40 solo hours to handle your tasks. Keep the house in order, make sure everything's going right with kids, you might be able to fit in an hour or two at the gym everyday.
> 
> ...



Hmm, I wonder if she was working full time and spending the rest of her time cooking/cleaning for him, and had let herself go to where he wasn't attracted to her anymore if you'd be defending her? People tend to be less sympathetic to a wife that lets herself go.

Though I would agree that if he's doing this because they need the money and not because it's what be wants to do that she should look for ways to lighten his load.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Nextlife said:


> He could sit on the couch all day
> I eat healthy. He does not. Recently this bothers me more and more.
> Also I feel we are losing common interests. I'm bored. I will admit I have a good life my h is a great provider we have great kids great family great friends.
> He just doesn't want to do anything with anyone.
> ...


I think we should all get clear about this.

I don't care if he's as rich as Bill Gates, coming home to this man is something I would not want to do 
Who cares if he works 22 hours a day 

What for???? so he can have a cook / waitress serve him some food who then later gives him some perfunctory missionary position sex which she has no interest in anyways and who is justifiably happier when he's not there 

I bet he doesn't even know his wife's name 

To be frank Next Life I tip my hat to you I'd have been long gone. I'd want a love life / sex with someone that actually wanted me and I'd want to share my life with somebody who actually wanted to share it with me.

Some people are blind to what is most important - he's forgot that and needs a sharp reminder


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Though I would agree that if he's doing this because they need the money and not because it's what be wants to do that she should look for ways to lighten his load.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed. But that's not what she said the situation was.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Hmm, I wonder if she was working full time and spending the rest of her time cooking/cleaning for him, and had let herself go to where he wasn't attracted to her anymore if you'd be defending her? People tend to be less sympathetic to a wife that lets herself go.
> 
> Though I would agree that if he's doing this because they need the money and not because it's what be wants to do that she should look for ways to lighten his load.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it's true that I did go a bit overboard in my explanation of potential husband outlook. Not totally fair in my post. 

However, I was attempting to alter the trajectory of the thread a bit. General consensus from the first pages was that the guy should get with the program and figure out needs to be done to keep the train on the rails.

The suggestion of waking up at 4 a.m. was made to cast the difference in work responsibilities in stark contrast to her own schedule. When you're working as much as he is, it's difficult to have much of a life beyond work. Even if he gets only six hours of sleep a night, he only have four hours of waking time to interact with family. If he gets seven hours of sleep, that's down to three hours for doing dinner, interacting with family and carving out one-on-one time with his wife. Where exactly is he supposed to find this hour for working out?

So OP sees him primarily during these three hours - three hours when he's fried to a crisp and not being the best he can be. She's spent the day doing her SAHM work, interacting with the kids and maybe fitting in time for the gym or visiting with friends at certain points during her "work day." 

These are two totally different lifestyles. His commitment to work is not consistent with healthy living or good family dynamics.

The question is "why is he working?" Is it needed to do this much in order to make the mortgage. Or is money plentiful and he uses work as a shield from having to deal directly with family issues. If you can get by with less money (i.e. he works for the fun / challenge of it and the cash is secondary issue) then it's time for an ultimatum from you to him.

If he's working to keep basic necessities rolling, then OP sounds a bit ungrateful and not empathetic to his issues. So the big question is "Is he working hard because he wants to (he's a workaholic) or because he needs to work to sustain the family."

The answer to this question will tell us a lot about which partner is more realistic in terms of their expectations for the relationship.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

turnera said:


> How do you know that? Most men I know who work a LOT, do it because it gives THEM a kick. If he was just a drone and hating his work so much, he'd find a way to change it.


My wife would complain about the same thing, yet you found it strange I have not left her already.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

All we can really judge from this is that there are two unhappy people. It might be that he would welcome help with the financial side and would mean he can stop working himself into serious health problems.

My initial thoughts are that she should look after her happiness, which she has time to do.

He is not here, but she should also see if she can help financially and thus give him more time.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Philat said:


> I think that divorce papers are premature, but I agree your H needs a jolt. I'd tell him you are feeling distance grow between you, that you are getting noticed by other men (and are noticing this), and one even asked you out. What do you intend to do about this, my dear husband?
> 
> ETA: Whatever your current intentions and beliefs, you are in dangerous territory for being vulnerable to an affair. Please watch out.


Just in case you are not paying any more attention than your husband reread this.

In marriage, most men can't see the forest for the trees. We don't communicate like women do. I used to tell my wife she gets mad because I can't read her mind. 

If Philat's idea doesn't work. Download a divorce packet for your state. You may have to pick one up at he county courthouse. Ask your husband to help you fill out "these" papers. Less shocking as all out divorce filing but may get the job done. Hubby needs pushed out of his rut.

Of course you might tell him you've got a date.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MarriedTex said:


> The question is "why is he working?" Is it needed to do this much in order to make the mortgage. Or is money plentiful and he uses work as a shield from having to deal directly with family issues.


As I said, or is it because he enjoys being out and earning his own money and gets a thrill out of it and pays his family no mind because he knows she's home taking care of the fort?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MarriedTex said:


> If he's working to keep basic necessities rolling, then OP sounds a bit ungrateful and not empathetic to his issues.


If he's working that hard and STILL not having any spare time, then it's time to reevaluate that career path.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mr The Other said:


> My wife would complain about the same thing, yet you found it strange I have not left her already.


I don't follow.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

turnera said:


> I don't follow.


My wife does not work, therefore I work extra. My wife would say that I work too many hours, but does not really put the two things together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If she were here saying she never gets any time from you and that you ignore her requests for time and help, I'd say she needs to change the situation.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *MarriedTex said*: The suggestion of waking up at 4 a.m. was made to cast the difference in work responsibilities in stark contrast to her own schedule. *When you're working as much as he is, it's difficult to have much of a life beyond work. Even if he gets only six hours of sleep a night, he only have four hours of waking time to interact with family. If he gets seven hours of sleep, that's down to three hours for doing dinner, interacting with family and carving out one-on-one time with his wife.* Where exactly is he supposed to find this hour for working out?
> 
> So OP sees him primarily during these three hours - three hours when he's fried to a crisp and not being the best he can be. She's spent the day doing her SAHM work, interacting with the kids and maybe fitting in time for the gym or visiting with friends at certain points during her "work day."
> 
> *These are two totally different lifestyles. His commitment to work is not consistent with healthy living or good family dynamics*.


I have to agree with this...the man is GONE TOO MUCH...*he just **doesn't* *have the time*...

A workaholics lifestyle is hell on a family.. I tend to think only workaholics should marry another one.. because that way.. they don't feel neglected and it actually works for them.. I am a wife who would prefer a lower class lifestyle because it gives Us more TIME for each other...and our family enjoyment...it's all in what a couple wants... 

Then sometime we get ourselves in too much debt.....so yeah...what is the situation... can he afford to cut his hours?? 



> *NextLife said: **absolutely and as far as sexual desire I think I worded it wrong.. I'm NOT dying for sex. I serious don't care it's just I'm not into it at all with H.. I do it but Its the same old thing etc. If I do feel sexual.. then I'm thinking outside the box. Try to bring that to the bedroom and well.. it's just not working.
> 
> I'm so lost. and sad. *


It's good your sex drive is not going through the roof .. Definitely a blessing here in this situation.. it does happen to a # of women in mid life! There is a hormonal component to that phenomenon & it really messes with our heads!...



Nextlife said:


> *I don't want to be in that situation where I'm doing my own thing, he does his and we barely talk.. I can't take that. I will sit with him to discuss what we need to do..
> 
> I have no problem meeting halfway but there has to be some changes or I'm going to go bananas. Thanks*


 So long as he is getting up at 4am and getting home as late as 6pm to 8pm every night ....you even said he is exhausted & you don't blame him... I don't see how much can change here...we can't squeeze blood out of a rock... Can he cut his hours at all...for starters??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As I said before, if he has employees, he CAN give them more power to , say, shut the business down at least once or twice a week. I understand that that's often very hard for small business owners to do, however, let go of the control. Which is why OP needs to make it CLEAR to him that she is losing grip on this marriage if something doesn't change.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Two things are needed, communication and action.

If he is having to work this hard and does not want to, then she must take some of the burder off him if she can.

If he is doing it for fun, then she needs to make it clear his marriage will go down the toilet if he does not stop.

If he is doing it to maintain a lifestyle, then she needs to make it clear his marriage will go down the toilet if he does not stop, then they need to make cutbacks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nextlife, do you work?


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

In another post, Nextlife mentioned that she lives in a mansion with H but they've got bills to pay. (I can imagine, living in a mansion and all.). Maybe they're overextended which is why he has to work so much.

I would lobby h to move closer to his business, but maybe that's not as prestigious of a zip code. You have to sort through your priorities. How important is it to be in the desirable neighborhood? Is it worth the 4 hour commute and the cost to the marriage and family life.

I'm also a SAHM and have made it very clear to H that *nothing* is more important than our marriage and our kids. His career is secondary to those priorities. We don't live in a mansion, but he is still very successful and has high job satisfaction. 

It sux, but you can't have it all. Gotta pick and choose.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I am in a similiar situation in my marriage.

I am curious as to how overweight your husband is. I am seeing him as a typical guy (20 to 30 lbs overweight) and I think other posters are seeing him as being grossly obese (300+ lbs). 

Also, about eating habits. I see him as eating normal American Food (I know this isn't great) and you as eating all kinds of healthy foods (Quino instead of rice, ground turkey instead of ground beef, etc.).

Who would you say is more typical of the people in your area, you or your husband?

I think scale is important. If you are super into fitness and nutrition, then I don't think you should expect him to live up to your standards. But if he is grossly overweight and never gets any exercise of any sort, then I think you have a valid point to expect him to change.

There is an expectation that when you marry someone you need to accept them for who they are. Doesn't sound like he was ever into fitness. But there is also an expectation that you need to take care of yourself to a certain extent.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Sounds like your H is stuck in a middle aged rut and you're making it comfortable for him being there by no longer expecting him to join you, even, for social activities. I can see why you go off on your own - misery might like company, but company doesn't always like misery!

I think you really need to have a heart to heart with H and tell him exactly how you feel, and maybe suggest IC/MC to help break his cycle of negative inactivity.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

OK I've read these comments some negative sure.. I'm being judged and that is ok

Let me just say this.. MY H if given a PIE diagram would always put WORK first. Not that he doesn't love his kids or family but that has ALWAYS been the case. 

H…loves to have THINGS.. YES he is a great provider for me and the kids but even with his EX-wife he had THINGS.

He has much more now because he grew his business he is older and wiser and more successful so we are on another scale.

Understand that I'm concerned about his weight YES but one because of health reasons.. we have two YOUNG kids. I would like him to be around for them. 

He works his A*S off because of the things we have. We have talked about scaling down but let me tell you.. even if we do.. I know my H… He would have more toys right after we scaled down. I know it.

He talks about selling our home to get a smaller one and that is fine.. but he does this every 8 years or so. He gets to a point then thinks selling solves every thing. His business bottom line is stressful.. but he is not the type to sell it or give it up. 

I even talked about moving to another state.. and his answer.. I will not start a business elsewhere. I can't win. 

I tell him to see a dr. He says no time. NO TIME for gym NO TIME for anything.. 

Trust me.. he needs to get out of his FUNK Yes I love him but getting fed up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you work?


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Tunera I'm a SAHM

I have a RE license too. and a teaching degree can go anytime.
He doesn't care either way. I will not teach again. Don't care for that.. did the RE and that is fine but then I wasn't home on weekends.. I told H. I will gladly work.. He says I don't need too he likes that I'm here for our kids.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Csquare.. YES I get that. Moving closer to his job would actually cost more and is way too crowded. However, we can stay where we are and have a smaller home.. YES. We talked about it.
His job is where you make money not exactly where you live.. unless we pick the prestigious neighborhoods with the great schools then at square one. Kids now are in a great School. YES we can downsize the house.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

This post from another thread answers some of the questions which have been asked here



Nextlife said:


> I got upset reading this.. He is controlling and yes seems cheap.
> 
> *my husband is wealthy also we live in a mansion, we have nice things*.. HOWEVER, I know all about our money. Notice I said OUR money. My name is on everything. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. * I'm a SAHM and that is my job. * I can go to the bank when I want, but I never abuse or go crazy. I know we have bills to pay so I am aware of what we need.
> 
> ...


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Sadsamiam I would say my H is 30-40 overweight. YES


I'm not saying he needs to be perfect and lose all that weight but something to even TRY to be healthy.

I cook healthy and he does eat what I make for dinner but WHOA if he is on his own to snack.. it's a nightmare. He eats cookies every night and if he is home he snacks on crap all day.

I have no idea what he does when he is at work. 

I can't MAKE him do anything.. Like I said before I wish he just cared enough TO TRY!!!!


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Nextlife said:


> Csquare.. YES I get that. Moving closer to his job would actually cost more and is way too crowded. However, we can stay where we are and have a smaller home.. YES. We talked about it.
> His job is where you make money not exactly where you live.. unless we pick the prestigious neighborhoods with the great schools then at square one. Kids now are in a great School. YES we can downsize the house.


Move closer to his job, downsize to a modest place, and put the kids in private school or homeschool them. 

You knew going into it that he was a workaholic- you said he was with his ex. You like the money he brings in but* I don't hear above where you want to make any sacrifices and move out of your comfort zone to make your marriage work?*

Did you sign a pre-nup? Just curious how the subsequent trophy wife of the millionaire workaholic husband will fare financially if you D? 

Does taking old man millionaire to the cleaners, staying put in your mansion on his dime and getting one of those hot gym guys appeal to you?

Sorry for sounding harsh but... geez :redcard:


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

YES Blonde you are harsh..

I HAVE offered to do what H wants as far as sacrifice. .WE HAD ANOTHER HOME he wanted to move. HE FOUND our current home. 

If I left out the fact about how we live.. then maybe you can see through that tunnel. Thanks for the trophy wife term.. what planet are you on? I'm not after his money. I have my own money.. Thanks 

Before I met H. I WAS THE ONE WITH A HOUSE< MORTGAGE, and nice car ALL ON MY OWN. I WORKED!!!! He wasn't a millionaire when I met him he didn't even own anything. 
He worked for it all SINCE we have been married. THAT is why he is successful. HE likes that I am a good mom and stay with my kids. etc.

It's not about MONEY. It's about his health and well being. and maybe yes this is a mid life thing for me to WANT to do more things now….considering I did raise my two kids, take them to playdates, volunteer at schools, join the PTA, go to sporting events, take to practices, music lessons, etc.. still doing.. Maybe just maybe… I think there is more to my marriage than sitting my a*s on the couch all day.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Nextlife said:


> It's not about MONEY. It's about his health and well being. and maybe yes this is a mid life thing for me to WANT to do more things now….considering I did raise my two kids, take them to playdates, volunteer at schools, join the PTA, go to sporting events, take to practices, music lessons, etc.. still doing.. Maybe just maybe… I think there is more to my marriage than sitting my a*s on the couch all day.


You're preaching to the choir on the SAHM issue. I have 8 children between ages 11-29 and I was mainly a SAHM for 25 years and homeschooled for 5 years. 

Your list quoted above is not about your "marriage" but about your involvement as a SAHM. 

How old are your two kids?


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

my kids are 9 and 12 now.

I'm not saying my life is so hard.. I love being a mom I like being with my kids and doing all those things.. 

My original post was about H. HE is the one who's depressed and tired.. YES he works a lot .. and although we have bills it's his choice to work because HE is the one who loves toys and nice things.. Do I? Of course but most important.. family!!!!

If he lost weight, he would have more energy I know it. He would want to throw the baseball with his son etc. 

It's just frustrating to me is all. I see all the other dads HIS AGE doing these things.. 

I have to meet him halfway because I know during the week it's all me .. I'm the one running and that is ok.. but at least on a weekend.. I would like it if he wasn't sitting on the couch snacking and watching tv all day.. 

Do you get what I mean here???

It's not about money


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Nextlife said:


> WE HAD ANOTHER HOME he wanted to move. HE FOUND our current home.


I like some of the other suggestions of your H scaling back his hours and hiring managers for his business, etc. (How much money does one need? I know wealthy people who retire very early to enjoy travelling and whatnot...)

But you are the one who is here. And you can move again for your marriage. If necessary, you can put your foot down and insist on it. If you have a smaller place in the city, your H will not have room for more toys.

How old are the children?

I have a wealthy cousin who has a business in the Hamptons and his children have had jobs there as teens and are now in management.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Nextlife said:


> my kids are 9 and 12 now.


Nearly teenagers. See my last post.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Easier said than done.. Already talked with H about this. He doesn't trust anyone handling his business. 

Again another issue.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Nextlife said:


> If he lost weight, he would have more energy I know it. He would want to throw the baseball with his son etc.
> 
> It's just frustrating to me is all. *I see all the other dads HIS AGE doing these things.. *
> 
> ...



*The grass looks greener...*


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Nextlife said:


> Tunera I'm a SAHM
> 
> I have a RE license too. and a teaching degree can go anytime.
> He doesn't care either way. I will not teach again. Don't care for that.. did the RE and that is fine but then I wasn't home on weekends.. I told H. I will gladly work.. He says I don't need too he likes that I'm here for our kids.


He's not doing anything with you guys because he's tired. He's pushing himself to provide a luxurious life for you and your kids.

Not much more I can say....if you are losing attraction and respect for him based on that, and the fact that you see "other dads" doing things then I can't help.

Those other dads have so many other issues in there marriages that you will never see...but by all means.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nextlife said:


> Maybe just maybe… I think there is more to my marriage than sitting my a*s on the couch all day.


Well, there's your answer then. If you're so unhappy with him and his attention to you, make changes so that you work together at his company or that you pay for a sitter to take your kids to school a couple days a week so you can go in with him and volunteer to help at his company; if the kids move to a private school, well, that's something 90% of the rest of the country wishes they had a problem with. 

Basically, HE is not going to change because he is content. Content men whose needs are met rarely change. Either you force a change with a legal separation or you adapt YOUR life so that you can be with him more (and feed him better food or get him to take lunches and go on walks with you so he exercises). Nothing else is going to happen.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

sinnister said:


> He's not doing anything with you guys because he's tired. He's pushing himself to provide a luxurious life for you and your kids.
> 
> Not much more I can say....if you are losing attraction and respect for him based on that, and the fact that you see "other dads" doing things then I can't help.
> 
> Those other dads have so many other issues in there marriages that you will never see...but by all means.


What is she supposed to do? Sit at home and never see him? They're MARRIED dude! I dont think the OP is entirely without blame; she seems to feel entitled in ways that dont go well with me. But at the same time, her husband isnt making choices that favor a marriage. Marriage is an institution, and one that is supposed to secure happiness by providing trust and making a social statement of two persons joined in a common goal. When those things dont exist, and all it becomes is a prison of emotional deprivation, its time to either incite change or cash in your chips. We only live once! Carpe Diem! Serve him OP and SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

At some point, you have to take a step back and ask if you are compatible anymore. Thats why she is here. The only way (in my opinion) she is going to figure out if they will still work is if she raises the stakes- serve him. Tell him she doesnt CARE about the damn money. If his job is more important than what awaits him at home, then she needs to move on.

BTW, no offense intended to you sinnister- its nothing personal.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Nextlife said:


> Sadsamiam I would say my H is 30-40 overweight. YES
> 
> 
> I'm not saying he needs to be perfect and lose all that weight but something to even TRY to be healthy.
> ...


I am a bunch like your husband. I know I sit on the couch too much when I am not at work. 

One thing that helps is my wife doesn't buy 'snacks'. I am guessing you are the one buying the stuff he eats. Doesn't sound like he would have time. My wife bakes but with some other kind of flour and other wacky health food stuff. It actually tastes pretty good.

I am between 20 and 30 pounds overweight. I walk the golf course 3 times a week during the summer. I play squash 2 or 3 times a week during winter. I get some exercise but not enough.

My problem is that I don't care about my health as much as my wife does. I want to be healthy enough to enjoy life, but I don't want to spend my life lifting weights or running someplace I don't want to go. I really don't want to live until I am 100. I would be happy with living a full happy life until I am 75. Most people don't do much once they are 75 anyhow.

When I am happiest, I am either at work, or making love to my wife. I also like going on holidays for a week or so at a time to get away. To be honest, one of the reasons I like being on holiday is because then my wife likes to make love more. 

It really bothers my wife that I don't care about my health as much as she does. I go for a Baconator at Wendy's once every couple of weeks and she would freak if she knew that.

I respect that my wife cares about her health and fitness level so much. That is who she is. For me, I am about my business and my kids and my wife. And I am HD when it comes to sex. I wish my wife would respect me for who I am instead of wanting me to be more like her.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

Hey SADSAMIAM. You sound EXACTLY like my husband. 

WOW

and btw.. He buys all the crap food on his own. Believe me.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Sometimes it takes a jolt to make you want to get fit. 

Mine was when I was walking into a store one day. I saw my reflection in the glass while I was walking. My chest was bouncing. I thought " omg I have moobs!" 
That did it. Went on amazon and bought a home gym. Lol


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Speaking of which, you may try to get pictures of him in a swimsuit, and post it on FB and wherever his friends might see it. That might be enough to get him to care.


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

Iver said:


> My first impression is your husband needs to see a doctor for a full physical.
> 
> He sounds like he could be suffering from depression.
> 
> ...


:iagreealeo or Primal diet are very palatable and effective in restoring the body.

I feel for you, Nextlife. Sounds like your h is very driven and ambitious but motivated by material things to the point of sacrificing health, marriage, time with kids, etc.

How do you get someone to reexamine their values? 

Other posters might be right: you might have to threaten to leave him to get his attention. But, keep letting him know that your greatest concern is his health and well-being. Sometimes, guys need a hard hit in the noggin' to get their attention. Subtlety is lost on them.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Nextlife said:


> Yes I may have to re-evaluate M-F I literally see him for dinner then that is it.. off to bed because he is up at 4:00am every day. I seriously TRY to communicate talk about his day..but honestly he vents about work most of the time. I don't think he is particularly interested in my day.. (that's just my feeling)
> 
> The kids talk to daddy and I think he's too damn tired to even listen to them. I'm scared that my marriage is go ing in the wrong direction. This isn't new I've been feeling lost for the past year. Again blaming it on MID -LIFE thinking it will go away or I will get over the changes I'm feeling..
> 
> ...


I have heard the same old thing story before. What new thing have you brought to the bedroom in the last two years?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

turnera said:


> Well, there's your answer then. If you're so unhappy with him and his attention to you, make changes so that you work together at his company or that you pay for a sitter to take your kids to school a couple days a week so you can go in with him and volunteer to help at his company; if the kids move to a private school, well, that's something 90% of the rest of the country wishes they had a problem with.


^^Love this idea of you working at his company. If you move, you could do it F/T during school hours. If you don't move, you could hire an au pair to run the household and chauffeur the kids to their activities and do it 2-3 days a week marathon hours side by side with your H. 

Imagine bonding with him over work (flirt, out for healthy lunch dates, overnight in a nice hotel or even get a little studio apt in the city). If you can see what his days are like, I think you will become a lot more compassionate.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> Speaking of which, you may try to get pictures of him in a swimsuit, and post it on FB and wherever his friends might see it. That might be enough to get him to care.


Shaming him and all the controlling behaviors mentioned by others will create resentment. Exercise control over your thoughts and actions, not his. Explore and share your deeper feelings, and ask for the changes you need. When a partner closes off some part of themselves, you don't want to pry them open. Lead by example, show vulnerability where your DH fears to tread. I am guessing he feels trapped, and he hasn't seen the jailor for some time. Kindest Regards-
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Nextlife said:


> All these suggestions and comments make perfect sense to me. @simplyamorous.. Yes sometimes I feel more like a 20 year old as in wanting sex.. however.. I don't want it with H. and THAT is bad. Like I said I'm just not attracted to him these days. *I have been more on the polite side *I have mentioned that he needs to BE HEALTHIER.. I'm telling you he agrees then brushes it off. I cook healthy meals etc. I don't know what he eats at work. I do think he needs to see a DR and get some type of XANAX or depression meds.. he blames everything on work and YES he works hard but he always has .. so I'm tired of that freaking excuse for everything.


I've bolded what I want to talk about. Many men simply don't listen to women go on and on in a polite way about things. It is sad, but they don't.

Stop being polite. Hit him with a 2x4 to wake him up and make him listen. The 2x4 can be anything from telling him that you are thinking of a separation or divorce or having an affair. Yes, that is blunt and if it does not wake him up, your marriage is in more trouble than you know.

Once you get his attention, don't lull him. Tell him what you have been telling us. All of it. Then tell him that what you really want is for him to change. He may buy it, he may not. But at least he'll have heard you.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Nextlife said:


> LET ME ASK YOU ALL THIS….
> Last year H did tell me something about a friend of his.. He said this friend cheated on his wife. H said this friend was going through some kind of Mid-life. This was all last year.
> 
> The wife never knew about the cheating…..and Recently H told me.. that his friend is all reconnected with his wife they are so in love again and he is happy for him but… believes that it's because his friend encouraged his wife to get breast augmentation. She did, he paid and coincidentally now he is suddenly super attracted to her.. H found this horrible and honestly so did I.
> ...


No, you are NOT saying the same thing at all! And don't put your situation down to a mid-life crisis that will pass in time. It will only pass when you give up and accept the notion that you are now too old for love or romance or whatever. And that is HORRIBLE.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> My wife does not work, therefore I work extra. My wife would say that I work too many hours, but does not really put the two things together.


That's a very valid point. My guess is that in the OP's marriage, the goals are very different. For him there is serious pride about having his own business and turning it into a nice profitable enterprise. That way he does what alpha males are supposed to do, take care of their wives and children. Of course it tires him out. But look what it got him.

She, on the other hand, wants a companionable marriage. You know, the kind where two people face life together and walk hand in hand into the sunset. Yes, she appreciates what her husband does, but would sacrifice some of that income for a husband in better shape and more companionable.

The problem is that these are irreconcilable. He's the owner. If he's not there who knows what will go wrong? I'm sure that there are reasons, neighborhood, schools, etc., as to why they don't move closer to his business. That would help a lot.

But they have to find a solution or he'll end up having worked for nothing and she'll be totally alone.


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

Next life,

Maybe you can have your h read this thread and hopefully springboard a discussion.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jung_admirer said:


> Shaming him and all the controlling behaviors mentioned by others will create resentment. Exercise control over your thoughts and actions, not his. Explore and share your deeper feelings, and ask for the changes you need. When a partner closes off some part of themselves, you don't want to pry them open. Lead by example, show vulnerability where your DH fears to tread. I am guessing he feels trapped, and he hasn't seen the jailor for some time. Kindest Regards-
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, bullshyte. He has no illusions over his image. He doesn't care any more. He has given up caring about dating, romancing, image, any of that stuff. He is all about his image at work. He has FORGOTTEN that 16 year old boy who cared about girls twittering around him because he has a dedicated woman who replaced his mother who ensures he has all his needs met so that he can focus on meeting that one last need of proving the best business owner than any other person he knows.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

joe kidd said:


> Sometimes it takes a jolt to make you want to get fit.
> 
> Mine was when I was walking into a store one day. I saw my reflection in the glass while I was walking. My chest was bouncing. I thought " omg I have moobs!"
> That did it. Went on amazon and bought a home gym. Lol


:lol::lol: So funny yet true. My jolt was fitting into a size 14.

I don't understand what is so terrible about expecting a spouse to take care of themselves. Letting ourselves go isn't attractive and attraction is very important in a marriage. Life takes it's toll on our bodies and nobody looks young forever but the effort should always be made to look as nice as possible.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

turnera and Charlotte.. YES exactly. Showing him a photo of himself doesn't matter he knows what he looks like. He knows what he is doing. EX: I had a fundraiser last night with the kids it was to buy dinner etc. I told him I would bring him something home.. He said no he didn't want dinner because he had a late lunch… do you know when he did get home 7:30 he ate cereal!!! YES Cereal. I asked what did you eat for lunch.. "a subway sandwich" REALLY? and I need to show him his reflection? NOPE he DOESNT CARE!!!!!!

and Chapparral as far as the bedroom.. I"M THE ONE INITIATING!!! always. Or it's 8pm and he's already asleep.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, I meant show OTHERS a photo of what he looks like.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Nextlife said:


> turnera and Charlotte.. YES exactly. Showing him a photo of himself doesn't matter he knows what he looks like. He knows what he is doing. EX: I had a fundraiser last night with the kids it was to buy dinner etc. I told him I would bring him something home.. He said no he didn't want dinner because he had a late lunch… do you know when he did get home 7:30 he ate cereal!!! YES Cereal. I asked what did you eat for lunch.. "a subway sandwich" REALLY? and I need to show him his reflection? NOPE he DOESNT CARE!!!!!!
> 
> and Chapparral as far as the bedroom.. I"M THE ONE INITIATING!!! always. Or it's 8pm and he's already asleep.


I understand you do not agree with your DH's priorities and choices. You infer he is consciously driving these behaviors, but I assure you he is not. A 2x4 may fix the problem from your perspective, but it will not alter the reality of his reflexive behavior. Your DH needs IC. If he refuses his health will fail well before his time. I am speaking to you as someone that has walked a similar path to your DH. He has learned to shut out your shaming and controlling behaviors (ex. Is that what you are eating, really?) How long have you been using this approach without impact? Now you want to up the intensity. Turnera is correct... shame works to comport behavior, but it has a terrible cost. The message that is received is, "I am not enough" (ref: Brene Brown) This is soul killing.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

My H eats Subway sandwiches. As fast food goes, it is an excellent choice, and quite thrifty too. He gets ALL the veggies on the sandwich and holds the dressing.

And my 11 and 13yos inhale cereal with milk for snacks. I buy low sugar ones (rice crispies, shredded wheat, etc) and make homemade granola with quinoa and honey. The 13 yos is a beanpole. The 11yos is on the chunky side but hasn't hit his growth spurt yet.

I don't think the Subway and cereal are the problem. H had quite the belly when he used to drink beer. There were other issues *way* more destructive than the extra weight that came with that habit!


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Blonde said:


> My H eats Subway sandwiches. As fast food goes, it is an excellent choice, and quite thrifty too. He gets ALL the veggies on the sandwich and holds the dressing.
> 
> And my 11 and 13yos inhale cereal with milk for snacks. I buy low sugar ones (rice crispies, shredded wheat, etc) and make homemade granola with quinoa and honey. The 13 yos is a beanpole. The 11yos is on the chunky side but hasn't hit his growth spurt yet.
> 
> I don't think the Subway and cereal are the problem. H had quite the belly when he used to drink beer. There were other issues *way* more destructive than the extra weight that came with that habit!


I think Subway has very healthy options. Cereal can be healthy as well.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> I don't understand what is so terrible about expecting a spouse to take care of themselves. Letting ourselves go isn't attractive and attraction is very important in a marriage. Life takes it's toll on our bodies and nobody looks young forever but the effort should always be made to look as nice as possible.


Yes. But it is hard. Pregnancy takes a toll on women. Age takes a toll on all of us. There were periods in my life when if I just looked at a piece of apple pie (a favorite of mine) I gained five pounds.

And it is hard to lose weight. Many don't have the time for three hours a week at the gym, not to mention not having the money. But diet helps and so does walking.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> Yes. But it is hard. Pregnancy takes a toll on women. Age takes a toll on all of us. There were periods in my life when if I just looked at a piece of apple pie (a favorite of mine) I gained five pounds.
> 
> And it is hard to lose weight. Many don't have the time for three hours a week at the gym, not to mention not having the money. But diet helps and so does walking.


I agree. That's why I said that life takes its toll and nobody looks young forever. 

The OP mentioned that her husband is rich, so he can afford a personal trainer. The lack of effort is a problem.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing to remember is that this discussion is about HER dissatisfaction with how he's living his life. HE, on the other hand, may be perfectly fine with his life and not be wasting a single second on whether or how he should change.

And probably won't, unless she gets so fed up that she becomes a WAW, and suddenly, he'll be all about making changes.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> I agree. That's why I said that life takes its toll and nobody looks young forever.
> 
> The OP mentioned that her husband is rich, so he can afford a personal trainer. The lack of effort is a problem.


It's not a lack of effort. It's misplaced priorities & a little bit of sticking to what he does best.

Probably never been an athletic dude. He doesn't know how to take off the weight. Thinks the sacrifice is too great. Doesn't want to put forth the effort in something that he thinks he will fail at.

Making money. He knows how to do that. He's good at it. Knows how to get results. He can play the "I busted my butt for her and it's not good enough" card if things implode, relationship-wise.

He's not going to change unless you lay it out in clear terms what he has at stake. He can have his toys, latest digital devices etc. or he can commit himself to the marriage. 

Couple of ideas:

1. He's the boss. Can he move the offices any closer to your home? Given your vague description, my hunch is that he is in financial / legal services, so he has to be near the center of commerce. But, if not, you should ask him to explore it.

2. He's had partners before. Can he bring in a partner to split the load / share in the profits. Would mean less money but more time for family.

3. If you want to forestall a heart attack for him, you have to be as serious as a heart attack with him. Spell out exactly what he stands to lose on his current path. Set objective of what you would like to see (downsized house, less toys, more time with him). 

Here's my suggestion. Get family in place to take care of the kids for a weekend. Tell him you need a weekend together for him to relax and you to rock his world. After you get him relaxed, probably after about a day away, get him kicking back with dinner/steak/drinking whatever. At this point, gently tell him that you love seeing him relaxed, enjoying things, he deserves it etc. Then explore the aforementioned ideas. Moving the biz closer. Moving you closer to the biz. Reducing income/toys. 

Make it clear to him that the most valued thing he has to give you is himself. On his deathbed, will he be relieved that he was able to buy you that new iPad? Or will he regret not spending more time with you and his family? Make it clear that you want more of his time and are willing to make sacrifices in order to get that time. 

If you love him - and it seems you do - you need to hit him with the truth and hit him hard to make sure it sticks with him. He's built a truth that his earnings are what make the household, what makes a life. You have to convince him that it's only part of a fuller lifestyle. 

Best of luck.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> Each couple will be different. Each therapist will be different.
> 
> In my experience, it took me years to get my H to go and once he went, nothing happened. He'd nod his head and then do nothing. Because I had threatened to leave him unless he went.
> 
> ...


Good advice from another thread...


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> :lol::lol: So funny yet true. My jolt was fitting into a size 14.
> 
> I don't understand what is so terrible about expecting a spouse to take care of themselves. Letting ourselves go isn't attractive and attraction is very important in a marriage. Life takes it's toll on our bodies and nobody looks young forever but the effort should always be made to look as nice as possible.


Sometimes none of this works. My wife and I have worked out since we met. Mostly together. We built a home gym, and belong to two other gyms, she competed and won Figure Events, we did all this stuff. We ate well, she's a Dietitian and exercise physiologist. I am 51 she just turned 53. We both have pretty good bodies for our age, six packs and all. I thought we were really connected. Our conversations were intimate and deep, we had an incredible sex life etc.. We even started Krav Maga together as a way to get our aggression out on each other in a fun way. She was in the men's class because none of the woman would spar with her (she's only 5'4" 125 lbs) I am 5'9" 180 lbs. 

Our marriage had issues up,until a few years ago, but i am crazy about her and probably a little codependent.

So my moral she left me for a guy who has had twenty or so affairs while married, but plays the entire religious jewish crap on her and is an Israeli etc. And claims all the other stories are lies.
The thing is he is 6'2" tall weighs about 250 lbs, has crooked teeth and looks 65. Is diabetic, walks a lot for his job but has not been near a gym for 30 years....

But guess what fellas..she says it ain't about the looks, I said who cares about looks I am talking being healthy...you took care of your sickly Daddy for ten years...is that what you are looking for someone to take care of...her answer: MAYBE !

So I don't believe it's so much about looks or health etc...there has got to be something deeper than that pushing you away!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Nextlife said:


> and Chapparral as far as the bedroom.. I"M THE ONE INITIATING!!! always. Or it's 8pm and he's already asleep.


Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning what he is doing at all in your relationship.

I think its great you initiate..... the comment I was refering to was your comment about boring sex. I was asking if you had brought anything new to the bedroom. This isn't a new complaint from women. What I don't hear is women doing something about vanilla sex. Maybe you could tie him up, spank him with a riding crop and say bad boy, no more twinkies for you..................or not.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You wanna spice up the bedroom, find this book (out of print, so it's expensive):
52 Invitations to Grrreat Sex


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