# Sexless marriage... I need to vent



## Boschman (Nov 4, 2013)

It is my firm belief that the person who denies the other of sex is purposely destroying the marriage. There is nothing more hurtful than continuously being denied sex from your spouse. The rejection one feels literally sucks the life out of you. It is a very cruel form of emotional abuse. I strongly believe in upholding your vows of fidelity and I would NEVER cheat on my wife but the one that withholds sex is NOT upholding their vows, PERIOD and I do believe it is a legitimate reason to end the marriage. The previous relationship I was in before my marriage, sex was a large part of it and I felt so alive by being with a woman who told me & showed me every day how much she WANTED me. It was great but I thought that there was supposed to be so much more to a "real" relationship. I honestly had sex more in one week with her than the last 5+ years of my marriage. To the outside world & on paper my marriage was "perfect" (the family, material things, etc.) but I have felt dead inside for a long time because of her withholding sex. So to all those wives out there who think sex to a man is just “sex” & just “physical”, IT IS NOT. It’s how we bond emotionally with you, it’s how we feel wanted & needed, it’s the one thing that distinguishes you from every other relationship we have. We can’t get it from anyone else. It’s part of “the deal”,…. we forsake all others for YOU. So please don’t do this to your man… you have no idea how much damage it does to the marriage.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I suppose but on the other hand it sounds like you have been going along with it for five years. Why did you marry her?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Well since most people don't just wake up and decide to with hold for no reason, my guess is in her mind she felt she had a good reason. Whether she shared what that was with you or not I have no clue. If you are no longer with her, then thats a good thing for you.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Hey friend - I am very sorry for the pain and heartache you are going through. You have described very clearly how important sex is to a marriage and I feel your emotion. What have you done to try and repair what is going on? Counseling seems to be the logical choice. Is she open to it?

I agree with you in two ways: 1.) It is very damaging to a marriage when a woman withholds sex. Has she ever given you an answer for why she has done it? 2.) Having an affair is not the answer. Sex is important, for sure, but it's not THE most important thing. A sexless marriage is a very big problem and seems to indicate underlying issues. You either know what those issues are and you choose to ignore them, or, you really don't know what they are and you need to find out. Again, counseling seems to be a logical choice.

Do you and your wife attend church? The reason I ask is that I work for a Christian Ministry and can provide you with information on how to talk with a counselor at no cost to you. I can also give you a website with lots of helpful articles for marriage - but all done from a Christian perspective. If you are interested just ask or send me a private message. Blessings on you!


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this and nobody should have to.

5 year? Cant imagine your anguish. I get put off 1 week and I speak up.

What is your plan from here? Can you seek counseling? What does she say about this? Is there something that has happened in the relationship to cause her to resent you?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Do you really think she is purposely trying to destroy your marriage? 

If she is withholding sex it's because she wants to no longer be married to you and does not want to be the one to say it's over?

Have you asked her that?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Agreed. It is important to both sexes, though. For a woman not being wanted and cherished by her husband it is the same as you describe.


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## Boschman (Nov 4, 2013)

Like most stories I see on here, she was completely opposite of this while dating & engaged. If I had any idea it would turn out this way I would not have married. I have not just "been going along with it". I have tried to address it what seems like hundreds of times. She refused to go to counseling & refused to discuss or do anything to address it. I have went to Christian IC.
It's not just about the physical "sex". I felt emotionally abandoned. 
We were / are very religious & active in our church. Guess hers was just for show?
I'm sorry for not including the whole story as this original was just gonna be a vent session. Short version is this: We had the "perfect" family life. Both young & attractive, beautiful kids, she never had to worry about money & had it made so to speak. She left while I was travelling for work, filed for D & took hundreds of thousands of $$. I had suspicions that she may be in love with her female "best friend". After she left I began investigating & confirmed it. She's went off the deep end & has abandoned everyone (except the kids- we have 50/50) including both families & church. She will still not speak to me or anyone about anything. Won't even say she's sorry for destroying so many lives. Its just so bizarre & sad & screwed up.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OK, you lost me. So your wife who withheld sex for 5 years took off on you one day and took a lot of money on her way out the door ??

And she is now a lesbian ?


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## Boschman (Nov 4, 2013)

Barbados, In a nutshell....yes. She's definitely in a lesbian relationship. 
Maybe that's who she always was, I don't know. I think I was just a sperm donor & a bank account. When she got what she wanted she was done. 
I know it sounds screwed up but that's the way I feel. It would explain why she would never make ANY effort whatsoever to discuss any issues, go to counseling, or try to make the marriage work. Just done & gone.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Boschman said:


> Barbados, In a nutshell....yes. She's definitely in a lesbian relationship.
> Maybe that's who she always was, I don't know. I think I was just a sperm donor & a bank account. When she got what she wanted she was done.
> I know it sounds screwed up but that's the way I feel. It would explain why she would never make ANY effort whatsoever to discuss any issues, go to counseling, or try to make the marriage work. Just done & gone.


Your situation is one that happens. Can you accept that she was just trying to find a guy to have a baby with, got the baby and no reason to stay and fake the funk?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Yes I agree, she wanted kids and money. 

But really, you should have seen the writing on the wall long ago. 

When there are children involved I am 100% in favor of trying to make it work but when one spouse has totally checked out there is no use and the kids will probably not be in a healthy loving environment anyway. 

Really I am not saying this for your benefit because what is done is done -but for others.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

nice vent. I share your sentiments. There is nothing more emotionally destructive than when the very one person you love the most rejects you. The only thing worse is when there is reluctancy to try to improve it and or give some sort of explanation as to the "whys". 

I've been reading quite a bit on this topic and relationship topics in general. The most interesting thing I've seen is this question: "why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you?"

Really let that soak in. I haven't resolved my issues with a sexless marriage, but I'm really pondering this question as well as learning a thing or two about outcome independence. No real resolution here yet, but just some advice to help get your brain thinking differently, rather than having a pity party (which women are turned off from, or so i hear)


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you think she lied and created this facade because she was trying to live up to Christian ideals?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't think they want to destroy the marriage. They don't perceive marriage as a partnership. They perceive it as an entitlement. If they wanted the marriage to end they would file for divorce. Easy enough. They fully expect the benefits they derive from marriage to continue forever. They just don't see any obligation to participate in any role other than recipient. Dracula doesn't suck the blood out of his victims because he wants to kill them. He does so because he wants to eat. He'd be thrilled if he could feast on the same person forever.


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## Boschman (Nov 4, 2013)

Treyvion, yes I have accepted it, I don't have any other choice. I'm not gonna dwell on it & let it ruin my life. Through prayer & good friends to talk with I have been able to give it to God & let him deal with her. I'm just gonna be Super Dad & take care of myself & my kids. Let me add that it's much easier to deal with things like this when you have a clear conscience. 
USMG: after 2nd child came along she told me she didn't care if she ever had sex again. Said she "would do it, just didn't care anything about it". Thought it must be a change in hormones or something. I asked about treatments Dr recommended but she had no interest in even trying anything. She said she still loved me & our family was everything to her (another huge lie I guess) so I just accepted this was the way it was gonna be. Even though I was not being "fed" in a way I needed physically & emotionally, I continued to "take one for the team" so to speak because my marriage & my family were more important.
BB32: good question. No pity parties here anymore. 6 months was my limit. Sadness & devastation have been replaced by anger & resentment but I hope to wipe those away as soon as possible. I can almost say now that it might be the best thing for ME (not my kids or family) that she left. Its better than doing it 5-10-15 years from now. I look forward to showering someone (the right one hopefully) with my love & most of all experiencing again what it feels like to be LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY, WANTED, NEEDED, DESIRED, & ALIVE. Wish me luck.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

My advice to anyone who's spouse says that they are no longer interested in sex is the Barney Fife method:

Barney Fife - Nip It - YouTube


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## Deseperada (Jan 7, 2014)

You should talk to my man.. He only wants it once a wk and that's it.. and we've only been together 2 1/2 years. And as you indicate it it slowly emotionally drains you/I feel irritated everyday! He says Im a nympho, and hes always blames his meds..


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

I feel your pain. Sex in my marriage has dwindled down to maybe once a month. last time we had sex was on December 20th.

One thing I would recommend reading is the Married Man Sex Life Primer. Google it and buy. There's some amazing insight that could help you. I just started applying what I've learned and will hopefully see some results.

Thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how much it hurts the heart.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

JohnSmithh said:


> I feel your pain. Sex in my marriage has dwindled down to maybe once a month. last time we had sex was on December 20th.
> 
> One thing I would recommend reading is the Married Man Sex Life Primer. Google it and buy. There's some amazing insight that could help you. I just started applying what I've learned and will hopefully see some results.
> 
> Thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how much it hurts the heart.


I am going to have to get this book. John smith, question for you: I too have not had anything since early December. I have initiated 2 times (back in december) with rejection. I have since stopped initiating and have no intention to do so soon. Are you still trying and being rejected or have you stopped initiating?


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

BostonBruins32 said:


> I am going to have to get this book. John smith, question for you: I too have not had anything since early December. I have initiated 2 times (back in december) with rejection. I have since stopped initiating and have no intention to do so soon. Are you still trying and being rejected or have you stopped initiating?


I stopped initiating completely. I make no effort to touch her at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

treyvion said:


> Your situation is one that happens. Can you accept that she was just trying to find a guy to have a baby with, got the baby and no reason to stay and fake the funk?


Agreed. My situation was not as severe (my ex is hetero) but there are a lot of parallels (marrying for personal gain, refusal of counseling, dropping church and old friends, unfulfilled sexual commitment). She also did leave as soon as she got all she could from me, and tried to hide assets in the process.

I know your self-respect gets hammered in situations like this, resulting in you increasingly accepting this situation is somehow your fault and working ever-harder to fix it. What you seriously need to do (if you haven't done so already):

1) Rebuild your self-esteem until you know that you are the equal of your ex (and everyone, really) and there is nothing wrong with insisting your needs be met, even if that drove the end of the marriage.

2) Accept you got conned, and you could not have done any more to prevent it. This is not like a financial con, where you should know to protect your SSN. Vulnerability and openness are essential in a relationship, and there are people will use that. (As an aside, all you can do is know your own worth and cut any users loose quickly - see #1 above).

3) Know your worth as a partner is not defined by this marriage. If you are a decent, together guy, with the advantage of being financially secure, you will find someone who is interested in you as a person. You definitely don't want to carry this experience forward as a smoldering suspicion of anyone who might be attracted to you in the future.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Well she sounds like a real A-hole so I would say that the OP should consider himself far superior to her. Yes it was a con. The only thing I would say is that it happens and you can't control that other person. If they do not take immediate action to correct the problem all this means is that they have what they want and are done. 

You can either choose to live with them and raise the kids and maybe like the OP they will still take off (but on their terms) or maybe they stay and you spend that time in a sexless marriage.


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## pecanpie (Dec 9, 2013)

JohnSmithh said:


> I stopped initiating completely. I make no effort to touch her at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Has she noticed at all? Because I have completely stopped initiating with my LD husband and he seems perfectly happy. I am the only one who is unhappy.


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