# I accepted his proposal, but we're both young.



## Juliet17 (May 11, 2012)

Hello, I'm new here. Recently, my boyfriend of nearly 2 years just proposed to me. I'm very comfortable with him and I said yes. I am excited to be marrying this man as I love hime very much. The only catch is that I'm only 17. He turned 18 about 3 months ago and I will be 18 in 2 months. I would be very happy to marry him, but how high the divorce rate is for young people scares me a bit. He wants to have the wedding in 6 months.

Some background info is that we have been dating for about 2 months shy of 2 years. He and I hardly ever fight. We have talked about it and both believe that our relationship is very fulfilling in every way. It has always been a very comfortable relationship for both of us and we are happy with our relationship. I love him and he loves me as well. As I mentioned, though, I am only 17. I really don't want to become just another statistic. I feel like our relationship is stronger than most at our age, but then, I also know that most people my age also believe that they are the exception.

Any thoughts on what you would do in my position or on how to make a marriage last and be successful when young would be greatly appreciated!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, I'd say if you have to ask, you're not ready.

Why not just live together? Unless you have religious objections, that's a way to take your relationship to another level without incurring all the legal and financial bonds of marriage. You're right, you are young, so don't paint yourself into too much of a corner...JMHO!

Why are you guys doing about your educations? Few jobs are available these days with only a high school degree, I hope you are looking into some kind of college or post-secondary training. That needs to be your focus now, not wedding planning.


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## rider (Jun 22, 2009)

As somebody who got married young, I would say wait. Live together until you are at least 23-25. That amount of time seems like forever now, but speaking as a man, my personality is completely different now than it was when I got married at 21 (wife 19). 

Guys start to mature at age 25, it's actually a brain chemistry/hormone thing.

The only reasons I can think of to marry that young are religious, and I doubt any priest or minister would let you pass through their marriage classes and approvals at that age anyways.

If you want to entertain the idea further start thinking about the following:

Are you both going to the same college?
Will you have join finances?
Can you afford to go to college and live together? (many do dorms or live at home)
What happens when one of you wakes up in 5 years and claims they never got to have any freedom because you went from mom and dad's place to marriage?


I would see a Marraige counselor BEFORE getting married on this one.

My wife and I fought so much, and are completely different people in our late 20's that the early 20's. 

Good luck whatever you decide.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, have a 5 year engagement. Right? No rush.

I remember my boyfriend proposing and we were both under 20. Awww so fun and romantic. Showed off the ring.

Yea. We were 'engaged' about 5 months and that was enough for us. lolll We broke up and moved on and thankfully we did. 

I'm not the person I was when I was 17. I didn't get married until I was 33...which was when i really thought I knew myself-- even then I had to work some things out.

No rush on marriage. honestly.


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

Some men never mature, no matter how old they are.

I know more than one man in his forties who is lazy and wasted his life with stupid pipe dreams.


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## bellagirl (May 9, 2012)

Your gut is telling you that you are too young. Listen to it!

When you are only 17, you are not in a position to know what you want out of life, don't know who you are, don't have much experience dealing with life as an independent person.

My question is WHY you feel the need to be married right now? If your relationship is as strong as you say it is, it will withstand you going to college, getting a job, meeting lots of different people and finding out who you are FIRST before you make a lifelong commitment to marry. If you and your boyfriend are not mature enough to wait, you aren't ready for marriage.

I was married at 22 right after college. It didn't work out. We were WAY too immature and changed a lot in our 20's.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Juliet,
Think of this like a house. Since you are already conversant with statistics perhaps it is best to think about your risks that way. 

Separate from age the biggest single driver of divorce is financial issues. So start with that. 

Today
Can the two of you fully support yourselves financially? And that includes paying for health insurance, car insurance, etc. How much money do you have saved for the car breaking down or any type of unplanned financial event? 

Future:
How do you plan to gain the education or skills needed to make the income required to support children? 

When plentiful, money is 10% of the relationship, in short supply it rapidly becomes 90% of the relationship. 






Juliet17 said:


> Hello, I'm new here. Recently, my boyfriend of nearly 2 years just proposed to me. I'm very comfortable with him and I said yes. I am excited to be marrying this man as I love hime very much. The only catch is that I'm only 17. He turned 18 about 3 months ago and I will be 18 in 2 months. I would be very happy to marry him, but how high the divorce rate is for young people scares me a bit. He wants to have the wedding in 6 months.
> 
> Some background info is that we have been dating for about 2 months shy of 2 years. He and I hardly ever fight. We have talked about it and both believe that our relationship is very fulfilling in every way. It has always been a very comfortable relationship for both of us and we are happy with our relationship. I love him and he loves me as well. As I mentioned, though, I am only 17. I really don't want to become just another statistic. I feel like our relationship is stronger than most at our age, but then, I also know that most people my age also believe that they are the exception.
> 
> Any thoughts on what you would do in my position or on how to make a marriage last and be successful when young would be greatly appreciated!


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## Juliet17 (May 11, 2012)

Wow, thank you for all of the answers so far. As far as college goes, we both have been taking all college classes at our high school and have one full year of college credits complete. We have yet to decide which college to attend after high school, but we have one in mind that we both like and is very affordable. 

As for jobs, I work 2 right now and he has one. Total, I make about 1400 dollars per month and he makes about 600-700. I believe that we could do okay financially if we were to marry. By no means would we be living completely comfortably, but I believe that we would be doing alright.

Also, as far as living together before marriage, he is really not fond of the idea as he comes from a very religious family. I would be okay, with it, but would prefer not to. He has spoken to his family about it and they would allow him to marry and he asked my father's permission before proposing. My parents are not thrilled, but they are okay with the idea.


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## rider (Jun 22, 2009)

Definitely not enough to live on. When i was in school i worked 8 hours a day and took a fullcourse load (22+ creds a semester ) i left at 6 and came home at midnight every night. Made 3200 a month and my parents were still giving us 800/mo towards the house payment.

If we did not have a child together, we would have split. Marriages take work and time... We had no time.

This is kind of a joke but are like a 10 and he is a 6? Sounds live he is trying to tie you down.

What's wrong with living in dorms and dating through school?

I am a best man for a friends wedding in June, met freshman year, they dated 9 years and are very in love. Same thing , religious family, didn't lI've together until engagement.

You got options other than marriage...


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I think you are a bit young, perhaps wait until 20. Lots of things are going to change in the next few years. I think if you both manage to live on your own a while (outside of mom's/dad's house) you will both learn a lot about yourselves... and that's a valuable going forward.

I also think that you two should consider getting the BEST premarital counselling you can find. I mean very thorough and highly recommended. Failing to do that could set you both up for some difficult times ahead.


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## Juliet17 (May 11, 2012)

rider said:


> Definitely not enough to live on. When i was in school i worked 8 hours a day and took a fullcourse load (22+ creds a semester ) i left at 6 and came home at midnight every night. Made 3200 a month and my parents were still giving us 800/mo towards the house payment.
> 
> If we did not have a child together, we would have split. Marriages take work and time... We had no time.
> 
> ...


Really? But the apartments tghat we looked at are only 750/month and they are very close to the college that we had looked at. 

And as for the 10 and 6 thing, goodness no! He is extremely talented and smart and I am very lucky to have him. And we had talked about marrying young previous to his proposal, so it wasnt just out of the blue.

Well, I decided that I never really wanted to live in a dorm, if I were to not marry him yet, I would get an apartment with my sister and be in pretty much the same situation financially, although she works 2 jobs.

I realize that there are other options, I guess, I'm just unsure about what to do. I would love to marry him, I just dont want to be completely oblivious as to how difficult it may be at times. I actually spoke to a coworker of mine who was married at 18, had three kids, and is now 26, divorced at the age of 24. But I've also heard of people who were married at 18 and were together their entire lives.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

My nephew is 21 and on his second marriage and has 3 kids.

Both of you will be completely different people 10 years from now. Your brain doesn’t finish development until you are around 25 so as general rule I would say not to marry before then. There’s no point in getting married when you are still a kid.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

It's workable, or at least it can be, but you need to know that you're in for a hard road. My wife and I married when she was 19 and I was 21, a fair bit older than you two, and it got rough at times. We were broke, but that was almost the least of it. We had so much growing up yet to do; neither of you will be the same people in 10 or even 5 years that you are now.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

Do you have any funds saved up? If one of you loses your job, could you make it for 4-5 months? I'm a young male (full-time student) and I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. If you asked me then... if I thought I was mature, I would've said yes. And I still believe I was mature; however, I am MORE mature and focused now. I changed my major three times and finally found something I love to do. Most of the members are saying wait, because you really do change during these years. Think of it like a tasty marinade. There's nothing wrong with a steak that is marinated for ten minutes (it can taste pretty good) BUT if it's marinated for two hours... it can be exponentially better. You're just beginning to reach the marinating phase (18-26 ish). Let yourself marinate as an individual and in your relationship.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I have an 18 year old daughter and I will tell you the same thing I tell her.

DO NOT get married until you are at least 30, if ever.

There's no need. If you are meant to be together, you'll stay together. If you find yourselves still committed in 10 years or more, then consider it. But the chances of staying with the same guy you started going with at age 15 are practically nil.

The fact he doesn't want to live together first means that you are being pressured into something you KNOW you're not ready for. The fact you posted what you did proves that. Don't cave to the pressure. That would be a HUGE mistake.


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

Here's the deal -- older people telling you you're too young only goes so far. We all know you're too young, not because it won't necessarily work out, but because it's unlikely and you could just wait. Just have a long engagement, or live together, or whatever. 

But you're the only one who can make the choice. You're asking for a reason, what do you think the reason is?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

OMG! Stay away from marriage for a while!!!!
You're too young, you have a lot of growing to do - especially mentally.
As the years go by, you might realise he's not the man for you or that he took each other's youth away.

You'll meet other people along the way and you might fall out of love with him because life is long and you'll change. 
You're growing up, you're just a teenager and marriage should not be an option for now.

I'd suggest you live with this guy though. Try to learn more about him and see if that will lead you to marry him.


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I have an 18 year old daughter and I will tell you the same thing I tell her.
> 
> DO NOT get married until you are at least 30, if ever.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 2100 a month for two people? That alone shows that you are not ready for marriage, if you think you can live off of that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wait until it's a happy occasion for the families. You won't regret waiting, but you could regret jumping into it.


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## Juliet17 (May 11, 2012)

Wow, so much input to respond to. Thank you all! Hm.. well first things first, how much would you all expect it two cost for 2 people if a hotel is 750 per month and the college is close enough to walk to. I would assume 40$ in gas per week for each of us to get to our jobs as that is about what we each spend now and I live relatively far from one of my jobs right now.

I really don't feel as if I were being forced into anything, and it isn't that he wants to marry me just so that we can live together.

As for funds saved up, I have nearly 6500 right now, and he has 4800 as well as 2000 in a seperate account that his mother has put away for him for college. Thats about 13,000 all together, which would be enough to live off of for a few months, although it is doubtful that we would both lose our jobs at the same time. 

And I do love him, I really do.. but at the same time, I agree with all of you. I know that chances are, we will both be different people in a few years. We will both grow, but whether we grow together or grow apart? Only time can tell. Perhaps I ought to tell him that I'd like to hold off for a year or two and see where we're at when we're 20..

Such a difficult decision, I'm not sure I can decide so quickly, though or by myself... Hence why I went searching for advice and found this forum.


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

We're glad to offer our opinion if it helps you.

Thanks for being mature about receiving advice. Some younger members get very rude and snippy when they don't read what they want.

I like the idea of having a long engagement.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> And I do love him, I really do.. but at the same time, I agree with all of you. I know that chances are, we will both be different people in a few years. We will both grow, but whether we grow together or grow apart?


I don't understand why the rush to marry. If you yourself are uncertain and it's a difficult decision, then WAIT! When in doubt, don't!

The fact that you already accepted his proposal, but are having second thoughts is a good enough reason to postpone getting married. 

The fact that you "hardly ever fight" is also reason to wait. You don't know how strong a relationship is until you've had some major disagreements about something significant where both of you are fully entrenched in opposite perspectives - how you handle significant conflict is a big part of success in a marriage, or failure.

Marriage is a HUGE responsibility. I don't know why you would take on that kind of responsibility without more life experience and more LIVING, learning and discovering behind you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My MIL met my FIL at the age of 15. They were instantly best of friends. As soon as they turned 18 they married. They've had a lifetime together. Now they are in their 80's and still going strong.

I've heard of many other stories about people having a wonderful marriage even though they married at a young age.

If your not ready, stay engaged for a few years. 

My daughter is 18 and she has a very nice and loving bf. He treats her like my husband treats me. They've talked about getting married, but after they both finish college. I one day hope to see them married.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I was 17 and my wife was 16 when we got married. Pleaseeeeeee don't do this yet. Don't get me wrong, we are still together after 35 years and we dated almost 2 years before marring but our first 12 years was constantly in the danger zone. I love her more now than ever but to make it work I had to suck it up and take a lot that a lot of men wouldnt have. 

If you are in love that much now then you will be later as well. You have so much life experience yet unfulfilled and you need that life experience to really put a lot of things in proper perspective.

All that being said, I have no doubt you will do it anyway. So I hope the best for you and please bookmark this site. We can be helpful in the future.


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