# Please Help Me!



## Please Help Me! (Feb 18, 2011)

Not too sure how to begin. Let me try to explain. No one knows of this part of my life, as there are no outside ties (family, friends, etc) to ask or share. Right now, I’m scrapping, working toward, fighting to rebuild damaged mistrust in my relationship with my significant other (we are not married). I don’t have past knowledge or experience with dealing with trying to regain broken trust? It seems like I’m losing! It also seems that the more that I attempt to correct this topic, the more my relationship keeps deteriorating away?? Let me try to share. 

When I moved out of the (married for 20+ years) house (11-12 years ago) to an apartment in a separation that led to divorce. I am 52 yrs. old, Significant Other or SO 53 yrs. I was not dating my SO. I just lived in a apartment for a little while. Then, we began dating. In the beginning there were several women that expressed their interest. We both work for the same educational facility, different departments. Becoming friendly with these women through the time that I was starting to date my SO. Never dating them though. SO and I dated for a little while, then this one other women made a way through my defenses. Only ONE night of my bad judgment doomed me!!! That’s all that it takes!! This girl was over at the apartment when SO tried to phone me. She ended up coming over and catching the women in my apartment. I NEVER DID ANYTHING like this after this bad incident. So you say, what does that have to do with now? Mistrust is still being dealt with today! 

After this incident, SO and I mended and got back together as a pair. We dated, decided to join households and move in together into her apartment. During this time together, I squelched, didn’t talk anymore to, or just showed no interest to the women that were trying to become familiar with me before. 

SO and I decided and moved into the present house that we are in now. Throughout this whole time period at this house, weird things that I don’t know why they happen, happen. Let me try to explain. SO has come out of some pretty tough scenarios with relationships. So her trust that it will work in the first place is guarded. 

I don’t know if you’ve watched or are familiar with the Seinfeld show a number of years ago. If you remember, they talked about the Kavorka (lure of the animal)? Where women did unexplained things to get attention from the other party. For no reason at all, females do just this around me a lot!! Not that I am some GREEK GOD or Adonis like person!! I don’t know why or I have never ever seen the person before and they just do things! One time a girl was waiting in front of me and a number of people in a line, looked up at me smiles real big and just starts dancing, kinda ballet style looking at me,flirting? SO and I have been in stores when women will call my name, for no reason. We (both SO and myself) turn to see who is calling, often either seeing the back end of a women walking away, them waving at me, or just no one there anymore? I think but don’t really know that they are past and present students. I cannot convince SO of that, though! The checkout girls at the stores will be really nice to me with no acknowledgement to SO. One year in California, we were walking onto the beach to get our spots. When “Hi MYNAME” is heard. But no face to the voice!! At the house, we have an exterior door from the master bedroom to the pool. This door is framed in wood accented with glass or mirrors. EVER SINGLE DAY this door expands then contracts with the weather and heat. Usually in the hot to cool transition this door will emit a loud pop or bang! Let me go on building this. Throughout this time period also, someone shoots our house in the backyard with a gun that shoot these little plastic balls!! Don’t know who is doing this. Just hear the hit of the little ball or just end up finding them in the pool or in the back yard!! Haven’t seen or caught anyone doing this in all of this time its been going on? Well, every time this occurs it is thought that someone’s trying to get my attention! Weird!! 

When SO caught me that one night in the apartment with that women. I made a decision that I have upheld and honored diligently without wavering. I would never cause SO to give me the look and hurt that came from her face on the night, from betraying her with infidelity in our relationship. 

Throughout this time people in our lives (friends, coworkers) have each been part of the mixup of mistrust. Examples. We were at a meeting. SO and I were seated at a table, this woman that works in another area, walks up, is polite and talks only to me to sit at the table with us! I didn’t start the conversation or make any contact. It just starts happening. It becomes this misguided trust factor that SO is convinced that I am guilty of seeing this or any woman. Another, SO and I start being friends with another couple. The women of the couple comes over one time to our place to visit. SO and her are talking with me sitting in the room. This women walks close to me and just stretches vertically reaching for the ceiling. Exposing a big portion of her mid area to me. It was interpreted as a secret relationship between that women and myself. All of these women that I am accused of having a thing with are NOT attractive to me!!! They were never friends again. Over these years of this, I’ve eliminated all of these things that could be misinterpreted as an affair, secret, private, or things that cause harm to her. Because we work together, there is VERY LITTLE time each week. that we are not together! I am not the person that she thinks. 

This is what is happening in my life. It has gotten to the point that her heart is almost unrepairable. We are not ending this. We are working on a mutual resolve. We have gotten to the point that we don’t share the same bed (3 full weeks). Last weekend we talked about what we should do. Initially, she wanted nothing to do with me and wanted to either move out or have me move out. After much discussion on Sat. and Sun., we resolved that we would work on a renewing between us. She needed BIG space. Because of our ties monetarily, there is no way to move right away! It was discussed that we would work toward a May move to an apartment to give her big space. We also talked about working on creating fresh memories (dates) during this time till May. It’s so tough of a battle! 

There was no closure to the many occurrences that continually happen, or the countless other examples like that!! Just another woman that wanted to see me! So you see a lot of open ended unexplained things that keep on happening!! I make sure that I am not looking at or even appear that I am looking in the direction of women. Living a transparent life. Eliminating empty time periods. Minimizing interaction with outside influences. I took up a new life with this AWESOME person. 
Don’t know if that was very clear of an explanation? I don’t know if there is anything to get from this? Or how you can respond other than lending an ear for a vent?

Thank you,

Please Help Me!


----------



## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

My thoughts are the trust was broken with that first incident and just not repairable although she did try to give you another chance.

For a lot of people (me included) losing that trust means it just has to be over. I also think a lot of people do try and work through this but very few can. I did try to with my exLTR with little success. 

I tried to work through an infedelity and in the end I had to just end the relationship because I lost myself (well actually there were a whole pile of reasons but that was one of them). I turned into this clingy, needy, paranoid, insecure being that doesn't resemble *me* at all. When you get to a point where you start reading more into everything - someone smiling at your man at the grocery store, he's an hour late from work because he gets stuck in traffic, he's out with the boys at a pub and calls you and you hear a female voice in the background, etc, etc, etc.

It just gets very very tiring. 

On the upside though, I did split with my exLTR for about 18 months and then we tried to reconcile for 18 months. When we got back together I can honestly say that the same trust issues weren't there. I'm not sure if this is something that could happen in your relationship but having space did work for me.

If you look on the upside, you definitely did learn something from this experience.


----------



## Please Help Me! (Feb 18, 2011)

Thank you for helping. The outcome of your thought is an ever present reality. I am encouraged by my conversation with my SO, that there is substance to our bond that is workable. I don't know how or what this means in regard to how or what I am to do or help this rebuild! Just know that I have the drive, energy, and determinaton to NOT let this ruin something good! Letting her know that even though she cannot believe or even see a forseeable future, that during this time, reinforcement and the truth that I am doing and showing her that I will not waver and I will continually be there!!!


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If you are being honorable, respectful and loving, then you are doing the right things.

Your partner was deeply hurt by your behavior. Understandably. 

If you are working to rebuild trust, that is a good thing, and something you must be proactive in. However, if she is hanging onto the relationship and cannot actually forgive you, and move forward ... presuming that is what you both want, then this is likely to become far more difficult and painful.

If you cannot change your behavior, your relationship will fail.

If she cannot let go of the past and actually see that you are changing your behavior, your relationship will fail.

Show her ... do not tell her ... how dedicated you are to recovering your relationship.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

If you are sincere, write her a letter. Do not email it, do not phone it in.. Write a letter, a personal one.

You will find that letters acomplish a lot. They are personal, you can not be interupted or ignored, and it gives her time to digest your words and read them again if she is unclear.

That is what you CAN do.

What you should do is your choice... If it were me, I would have no interest at a mature age, in fixing something so new. I would say " ok I blew it" and start anew. I mean if you do you fix this, your foundation for the next 20 years is going to be shakey. That is not a house i would feel safe in.

Again, I remind you that you have to make the choice. I do not have to live with the consequences of my own advice. - That is just how I would handle it.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

With two time here, I wrote a 4 page letter to my husband stating our co-destructive behaviors that hurt the marriage, and me taking full responsibilities for my actions, my intentions for bettering myself, outlined how I was going to stand up and fight for our marriage, etc. He has read it, but plans to re read it and we can discuss. I don't think it made much of an impact now, but I told him to keep it and read it on the days he's feeliing doubtful, I think with time the letter will mean more.

So go find a pen


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Not to mention how well you will be able to organize your own thoughts. Remember in college how you always had to make an outline for papers? Same thing, brother.


----------



## Please Help Me! (Feb 18, 2011)

Deejo said:


> If you are being honorable, respectful and loving, then you are doing the right things.
> 
> Your partner was deeply hurt by your behavior. Understandably.
> 
> ...


Your input of help is welcoming! There has been more that I can do actively in working to be transparent and change. Through my initial post I mention that we share the same work place (different departments, same floor). We have scheduled work weeks that make it a reality that we work the same hours with the exception of one night each week, I work the evening shift. So, the time element other than this one day, is fully accountable outside of the home(or so I thought). We carpool to and from everywhere, we have but one vehicle. The home we live in is a very small three bedroom flat older home. I am NOT living my life with ANY secret in it. 
During this time of living in the same home, but staying in different bedrooms. We come home from a days work, I usually try to stay in the bedroom that I am staying in for a while of unwinding for both of us. Then usually make my way into the living room where she is. We sit watch the evenings programs that are on. At bedtime we will usually wish the other a good night with a hug. I completely anticipate, can;t wait for and cherish these moments!!! Becoming saturated in reading all that I can get on the subject. Through daily reflection, I'm starting to uncover the basic core foundation that makes me who I am with goals, drive and motivation. I know that I am willing to put the effert to do what ever I can to help this relationship work! 
I don't know how to handle some of the once simple things that we used to just do in life? Examples

From last indication in a conversation that was from the point of her moving to our other bedroom (four weekends ago), with my SO. We were both working for a May move to my own apartment so that some space could be established. This last Tuesday morning she blew up with emotion, It was bad! After several hours. We talked, with a knowing that we don't need to end this! There is too much that is good in this bond to just leave! 
The questions are: The items that either our home or individually that we NEED. Like household things such as an oven, eyeglasses, shoes. Things that we were not able to get because of lack of money. Do we not get those things thinking that we need to perserve our money for the move out date? in the last two weeks she has mentioned that I really do need to get those glasses so I could see! (been ten years)! Simple groceries! How do we shop now? For a future or conservatively hanging onto our resources for a move out? Don't know anymore? Need something to grasp onto toThanks for your input!

Another question. You say "show her" do not tell her ... how dedicated you are to recovering your relationship. 

How? Please I am open to any and all suggestions?? Thank you all!!

Please Help Me!


----------



## Please Help Me! (Feb 18, 2011)

Hi all,
Just a request for reading material for the subject and problem that are infront of me?? I am asking for your help, please? I want to try to change things! Books, articles, reliable web sites, ...anything to grab onto?? Please

Thanks,
Please Help Me!


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I have seen many mentions of books, I myself haven't read anything yet, I have been visiting affaircare.com and the marriage builders website constantly, and reading this site like it was a bible lol.


----------



## Please Help Me! (Feb 18, 2011)

Thank you for those sites. I'm at them now. Does anyone out there know or could lead me to a place that has bible truths about healing broken trust in a marriage? Verses, passages of scripture, studies in the topic?


----------



## Please Help Me! (Feb 18, 2011)

Please Help Me! said:


> Your input of help is welcoming! There has been more that I can do actively in working to be transparent and change. Through my initial post I mention that we share the same work place (different departments, same floor). We have scheduled work weeks that make it a reality that we work the same hours with the exception of one night each week, I work the evening shift. So, the time element other than this one day, is fully accountable outside of the home(or so I thought). We carpool to and from everywhere, we have but one vehicle. The home we live in is a very small three bedroom flat older home. I am NOT living my life with ANY secret in it.
> During this time of living in the same home, but staying in different bedrooms. We come home from a days work, I usually try to stay in the bedroom that I am staying in for a while of unwinding for both of us. Then usually make my way into the living room where she is. We sit watch the evenings programs that are on. At bedtime we will usually wish the other a good night with a hug. I completely anticipate, can;t wait for and cherish these moments!!! Becoming saturated in reading all that I can get on the subject. Through daily reflection, I'm starting to uncover the basic core foundation that makes me who I am with goals, drive and motivation. I know that I am willing to put the effert to do what ever I can to help this relationship work!
> I don't know how to handle some of the once simple things that we used to just do in life? Examples
> 
> ...


Again I ask for help in this particular suggestion by Deejo 
Moderator??

Another question. You say "show her" do not tell her ... how dedicated you are to recovering your relationship. 

How? Please I am open to any and all suggestions?? Thank you all!!


----------



## Please Help Me! (Feb 18, 2011)

If I may ask another question for your input:

What do you do or how do you handle the feeling in the core of your heart of unrest, always churning, scared feeling that is ALWAYS PRESENT??? This very bad, sick, alone, incomplete feeling gets worse when we are apart????? HELP????


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

my god I don't know, because as I type this I have those feelings inside of me right now. Just got off the phone with my friend talking about everything, and that has made me feel a little better, just not sure how i am gonna make it through the rest of the day. I am trying reading, just watching tv, talking on the phone, I find myself pacing alot lately too lol. Just trying to force myself into anything that takes my mind off of it.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

"Show her" means be who you are instead of trying to be who you think she wants you to be. 

"Show her" means don't keep asking about how she is feeling or whether or not she approves of you. It means behave in a manner where you don't need to ask, and she doesn't need to wonder.

Being fearful or feeling unsettled about your relationship is a sure-fire way to make things ... worse. If you cannot feel 'complete' outside of a relationship, then in my opinion, you have no business being in one. It is not the job of your partner to reassure you and make you feel whole.

And if that is the vibe you are giving off ... then it is very likely that the relationship will become MORE insecure, not less so.

Your posts have a 'frantic' edge to them. If that is the sense that your partner gets from you as well, then I strongly urge you to dial it back a few notches, or you will lose it.


----------



## Please Help Me! (Feb 18, 2011)

Deejo said:


> "Show her" means be who you are instead of trying to be who you think she wants you to be.
> 
> "Show her" means don't keep asking about how she is feeling or whether or not she approves of you. It means behave in a manner where you don't need to ask, and she doesn't need to wonder.
> 
> ...


Wow! Thanks Deejo. It seems that as the days continue to go by, this outward expression that she can see, of the fearful or feeling unsettled heart manifests itself less and less. I have tried to not show this side of what I feel constantly! It's so difficult when that ICE COLD ALONE feeling possesses all of my insides!!! In another section of this board, I read about trying this? Thank you, again!


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Good point, I have been on and off fretting about stuff, I am taking the kids to a friends house for the night, and I am going to rent him a couple of movies and surprise him when he gets home....I asked him last night if he was comfortable with a date night and he said yes, so I am going to give it a try...I am trying to save my fretting for when he's not around and work through it.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*It is opposite day*

PHM,
You can read a post I made a few months ago if you question either my sanity (I take no offense if you do) or my actual experience doing what I suggest others do. 

Before I proceed - I want you to be brutally honest here in answering this question: What do YOU do, when other women blatantly hit on you in front of your W? Do you turn away from them and walk to your W as if they are not there? Or do you stand there in surprise and just look at the other woman? 

I believe you don't "flirt" to precipitate this female response to you. But what you do AFTERwards is a huge deal. 






Please Help Me! said:


> Hi all,
> Just a request for reading material for the subject and problem that are infront of me?? I am asking for your help, please? I want to try to change things! Books, articles, reliable web sites, ...anything to grab onto?? Please
> 
> Thanks,
> Please Help Me!


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Deejo said:


> "Show her" means be who you are instead of trying to be who you think she wants you to be.
> 
> "Show her" means don't keep asking about how she is feeling or whether or not she approves of you. It means behave in a manner where you don't need to ask, and she doesn't need to wonder.
> 
> ...


I agree, before anything... any action or words spoken... I always think a guy.. or girl.. needs to go out, buy some clothes, get a haircut... and do something to gain the confidence back. Never make any decision or act from a point of weakness because your spouse will see right through it.


----------



## Please Help Me! (Feb 18, 2011)

*Re: It is opposite day*



MEM11363 said:


> PHM,
> You can read a post I made a few months ago if you question either my sanity (I take no offense if you do) or my actual experience doing what I suggest others do.
> 
> Before I proceed - I want you to be brutally honest here in answering this question: What do YOU do, when other women blatantly hit on you in front of your W? Do you turn away from them and walk to your W as if they are not there? Or do you stand there in surprise and just look at the other woman?
> ...


Thanks MEM, thanks also to those that helped by responding to this thread.

I know that for some time (3-4 years), knowing that this is a problem that so unpredictably based on perception. e.g. Shopping- I will usually push a basket or carry a hand basket. I will walk beside her with the hand basket throughout the store. Pushing a basket, I usually trail with her leading our path. During this shopping trip, I am WITH her. I am involved with our business of getting what we need. 

Women, men, move past us when we shop, just like normal. I will continually try to be on my SO's side, I don't initiate eye contact. And, when I can see that this person is looking at me or in my direction, I will not look at them!! Especially now that I know that it is such a problem! She has said (once)that she believes that I am walking behind her, making eyes at others!! This is completely opposite, of what is TRULY IN MY HEART, MIND, and CORE BELIEF!! I REALLY WANT TO BE WITH THIS WOMAN! So, with that said, I will not do ANYTHING that is going to mess this up! 

This last November, my SO told me that her heart was getting cold. Once this happens, she shuts off. There is not much that can be done when this reaches that point in her. This is something that is etched into my heart! I can honestly proclaim that since this talk in November, I have been pure, open, without any secret, not wavering in anything. But focusing on what WE are doing in OUR lives together!!


----------



## Please Help Me! (Feb 18, 2011)

ATTN: MEM11363, 

I have sent you a private message. Thanks


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Re: It is opposite day*

PHM,
This post describes how an "innocent" man would respond to her. Sounds like you really are innocent you just have that animal magnetism thing going. 

The approach simply requires some determination and commitment on your part. Commitment to HER sanity that is. 

Oh - one more thing. Does she have unrestricted access to your email/phone/etc? Are you totally transparent with her? If not, why? Is she that way with you? BTW - symmetry is important. Assuming she DOES have total access to you/your accounts I would go this way.


You speaking:
"I have given this a lot of thought. If we choose to stay together you will always suffer a toxic level of anxiety about other women no matter what I do. That is not fair to you. And frankly being constantly and unfairly accused of infidelity is not fair to me. I have offered you total commitment and transparency for a decade now and things just keep getting worse. If I could think of anything else I could do, I would do it. The thing is I cannot. Therefore I really think the best thing for you would be for us to part ways."

And then no matter what hysterics you get - just stay firm 
"If you can tell me steps I can take to prevent your aggressive, untrusting reaction when other women hit on me - I will take them. If not, best for you if we part ways". 

And keep repeating that message. If - and I think there is a good chance she will, if she does tell you what she wants and it is fair, tell her you will do it provided SHE emails you the list. That last step is critical. This is HER list not yours. So SHE needs to write it and send it. Do NOT do that for her. SHE needs to solve HER issue, with your cooperation. 

If she walks - you gave it by far the best shot. Because what you ARE doing now, oddly enough is making you SEEM guilty even though you aren't. And ultimately, with an anxious person like your partner, what SEEMS is far more important than what "IS". 





Please Help Me! said:


> Thanks MEM, thanks also to those that helped by responding to this thread.
> 
> I know that for some time (3-4 years), knowing that this is a problem that so unpredictably based on perception. e.g. Shopping- I will usually push a basket or carry a hand basket. I will walk beside her with the hand basket throughout the store. Pushing a basket, I usually trail with her leading our path. During this shopping trip, I am WITH her. I am involved with our business of getting what we need.
> 
> ...


----------



## Please Help Me! (Feb 18, 2011)

We are parting ways from our present living arrangements. She needs to mend, without me in the picture. She needs to re-establish her bearings in her life. Her words. I understand that she needs to have this happen in our lives, for her sanity. We have agreed to part homes. I will get my own apartment. Because of some financial ties, this is taking place in May. 
*MEM,
Thanks for the heads up advice! Because of circumstances that just happened this last Friday, We (SO) were delayed from leaving our work. We both went to another area of the campus, had to get something from another building. You can guess who just happens to leave her work area AT THE SAME TIME, and walked past us on the same sidewalk!!!! What lousy timing!!! Totally unplanned!! Sucks!! S.O. blows up when we got to the house. Saying she wants out!
Well that forced a "180" in our lives!!!* 


I took off walking yesterday (day off). I have no transportation but my feet! Went to the dentist 1 1/2 miles, went shopping, got a couple books to read, went grocery shopping for stuff that I can eat!! 
Today. walking to the same general area, for my own phone. buy a couple of things that I need! Maybe a trim haircut??? If you that read this pray?? PLEASE SAY SOMETHING FOR ME??
Take Care ALL,

Please Help Me!


----------



## Please Help Me! (Feb 18, 2011)

MEM11363,
I have sent you an urgent Private Message. Please take a look??

Thank you,
Please Help Me!


----------

