# I want to save my marriage and family.



## Darryl (9 mo ago)

I cheated on my wife in 2004 and I took responsibility for it, owned up to it and have regret it ever since.
Fast forward to December 2019, I discovered my wife had been sending nudes to a man oversees and I believe that’s when her midlife crisis started.
She told me I had changed, I was miserable and angry (maybe I was in crisis and set her off).
I know the stress and pressure of me and the kids didn’t help (we have six and two grandchildren).
I know I was a lousy husband but at the same time I always did everything I could for her, I tried to keep her happy.
Ever since I found out about the nudes, I kept questioning her phone activity, everything she was doing and it pushed her away even more.
2021 we were having sex all the time and trying new things and I still questioned her.
One day in August 2021 she had enough and I was kicked out for ten days, the only reason she let me back is because I had got a temporary job near by.
She tried to make it work with me but still I couldn’t change my negative behaviours and once again she kicked me out in October 2021 and we have lived separated ever since.
In November she actually slept with one guy and has dated two more since but swears she didn’t have sex with them.
I’ve made all the classic mistakes, begging, crying, the usual and I listen to what she wants from me but I still screw up, I questioned her about the last guy she dated and she flew off her handle (second time she has).
I didn’t defend myself, I listened and tried to calm her down.
I still do things for her and the kids. I also spend time with the kids.
I am currently in marriage counselling for myself.
I love her so much and I want to make it work one day with her and have my family back.
But she says she doesn’t love me doesn’t have feelings for me and I don’t know if it’s me (I can’t keep my mouth shut, it’s hard), or her internal struggle?
I want to be there for her and the kids and I’ll do whatever it takes to save my marriage and family.
She was raised by her grandparents because her parents are whole other story.
I know what I have to do to have another chance with her but I struggle all the time doing it.
We have been together since high school (24 years ago).
I love this woman and would do anything for her, how can I receive the love and feelings she once had for me?
Six and a half months seems like an eternity but I fear it will be a lot longer if both of us don’t change our behaviours.
I am getting better but still.
My biggest hope is that we can have a better marriage after it’s all said and done.
My biggest fear is that I will be stuck in a loveless marriage or divorce (which I am ready to accept if it happens.
I apologize for the long thread but any advice and help would be greatly appreciated.
Forgot to mention that when I was younger I was an alcoholic and into drugs but I don’t do any of that now, I am a far better person than I was.
There was so many red flags.
We had children when we were young, that’s all my wife did was take care of children.
I understand why she is going through something.
I would do housework, look after the kids and I still do, anything to ease her burden.
I also miss watching Netflix and massaging her feet, we had so many good memories but also bad ones.
I would do anything for my wife and children they’re still my world.
When we separated my wife said she couldn’t stand me and hated me, I need help turning that around into love again?
also forgot to mention I am on medication for adhd and depression.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She’s dating other men and slept with one, while you’re married. She tells you she doesn’t love you and even has said she hates you. Why do you want to stay in this marriage?

If I had to take a guess, she never really forgave you for the affair and just kept things going all these years and now she has the freedom to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t seem to care if you are hurt over it. But…you mention your negative bad attitudes and she “kept kicking you out.” So, it could be that she doesn’t see you as completely remorseful if you still had a bad attitude. I’m not sure.

If someone can’t forgive you, despite you being remorseful, there’s not much you can do.

I could be wrong on all of this but if someone doesn’t want to be with you, and is dating/having sex others, I’m not sure what you’re “saving,” exactly.


----------



## Darryl (9 mo ago)

I


*Deidre* said:


> She’s dating other men and slept with one, while you’re married. She tells you she doesn’t love you and even has said she hates you. Why do you want to stay in this marriage?
> 
> If I had to take a guess, she never really forgave you for the affair and just kept things going all these years and now she has the freedom to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t seem to care if you are hurt over it. But…you mention your negative bad attitudes and she “kept kicking you out.” So, it could be that she doesn’t see you as completely remorseful if you still had a bad attitude. I’m not sure.
> 
> ...


I’ve asked her for forgiveness but I guess she’s not ready yet.
And she’s no longer dating this last guy apparently.
She slept with the first one, maybe to get me back for what I did, I don’t know.
Her childhood wasn’t exactly good and I know this is part of our marriage problems.
If I can keep working on myself maybe she’ll see this and give our marriage another chance, I don’t know.


----------



## Darryl (9 mo ago)

I am too stubborn and not ready to give up yet.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It could be that you both like drama. That’s not a judgement but many couples seem to have this push and pull dynamic that you and your wife have had. I’m not sure if you both stopped all the drama, if you’d be all that interested.

Just something to think on. Maybe you like the chase but when you move back in, she asks you to leave before long…

I guess you have to ask yourself what you want, I understand you have quite a bit of time together. That may be too what keeps you from moving on. Hope things turn out well for you both.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

It sounds like her resentment towards you had been building for a very long time. Women don't usually directly communicate what is missing in the marriage or what needs to be changed. They will also emotionally detach themselves from you and mentally leave the marriage well before physically leaving.

Crying, begging, and pleading are the worst things you can do. At this point, all you can do is give it time. Maybe once every week pick up the phone and send a text to ask how is she doing and you are thinking about her ..... I really don't like telling you all of this, but it's probably too late at this point. She has been living separate for over half a year now. She no doubt had a lot of mixed emotions. But by now, she is probably getting over a lot of it and accepting life without you. And I seriously doubt she is going to want to get back together again.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You obviously can’t make her love you if she’s not interested.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Darryl said:


> When we separated my wife said she couldn’t stand me and hated me, I need help turning that around into love again?
> also forgot to mention I am on medication for adhd and depression.


I'm sorry for your medical / health struggles but you can't fix this. You two are so far beyond fixing this. You cheated, then she started cheating & now she's saying she hates you. She's done. Her heart has turned to stone as far as you are concerned & it's not something you have the power to change. 

the best thing you can do is make a plan to move forward, divorce as amicably as possible & be a great dad to your kids, which means you have to find a way to co-parent. 

Your stubbornness will only get you in trouble. If you pursue her too hard trying to make this right she will move farther away from you & she will perceive your efforts as you being a stalker. Don't chase her.


----------



## Darryl (9 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> I'm sorry for your medical / health struggles but you can't fix this. You two are so far beyond fixing this. You cheated, then she started cheating & now she's saying she hates you. She's done. Her heart has turned to stone as far as you are concerned & it's not something you have the power to change.
> 
> the best thing you can do is make a plan to move forward, divorce as amicably as possible & be a great dad to your kids, which means you have to find a way to co-parent.
> 
> Your stubbornness will only get you in trouble. If you pursue her too hard trying to make this right she will move farther away from you & she will perceive your efforts as you being a stalker. Don't chase her.


She did hate me before we separated but you’re definitely right about me pursuing her.
And I have to stop that nonsense.


----------



## Darryl (9 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> You obviously can’t make her love you if she’s not interested.


I know that.
The only thing I can do is improve myself.


----------



## Darryl (9 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> It sounds like her resentment towards you had been building for a very long time. Women don't usually directly communicate what is missing in the marriage or what needs to be changed. They will also emotionally detach themselves from you and mentally leave the marriage well before physically leaving.
> 
> Crying, begging, and pleading are the worst things you can do. At this point, all you can do is give it time. Maybe once every week pick up the phone and send a text to ask how is she doing and you are thinking about her ..... I really don't like telling you all of this, but it's probably too late at this point. She has been living separate for over half a year now. She no doubt had a lot of mixed emotions. But by now, she is probably getting over a lot of it and accepting life without you. And I seriously doubt she is going to want to get back together again.


We go for days without communicating and then she tells me I can come over to see the kids.
It’s like she’s testing me and I am constantly failing.
I still do groceries for her, I help around the house when I am there.
I don’t think I am being a doormat, I am just trying to make things a little easier for her.
I know somethings wrong with her and I am trying to be supportive.
I just have trouble keeping my trap shut when it hear a rumour about her.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The more you chase the farther they move away. Sadly a lot in your situation for whatever reason can’t stop even knowing your actions are derogatory.


----------



## Darryl (9 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> The more you chase the farther they move away. Sadly a lot in your situation for whatever reason can’t stop even knowing your actions are derogatory.


I’ve known this for awhile.
All I can do now is stop chasing and live my life without her for now.
Thank you


----------



## Darryl (9 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> It could be that you both like drama. That’s not a judgement but many couples seem to have this push and pull dynamic that you and your wife have had. I’m not sure if you both stopped all the drama, if you’d be all that interested.
> 
> Just something to think on. Maybe you like the chase but when you move back in, she asks you to leave before long…
> 
> I guess you have to ask yourself what you want, I understand you have quite a bit of time together. That may be too what keeps you from moving on. Hope things turn out well for you both.


I hope so too but it’s going to take longer than I anticipated even if she’s willing to try again.


----------



## Darryl (9 mo ago)

Thank you all for your replies and advice!


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Darryl said:


> I just have trouble keeping my trap shut when it hear a rumour about her.


This kind of attitude will completely kill any chance of getting back together. 

A rumor??? You can't keep your trap shut over a darn rumor??? Do you even understand how angry and raging she must of been when she made the decision to kick you out? If she has any intention of trying to get back together, I guarantee she is doing a mental list of pros and cons in her head during the last six months. And I can tell you now, she is going to unleash that anger on you. And believe me, it will be a good sign. But keep your mouth shut. Just imagine that you are in front of a criminal judge. It doesn't matter if you agree or not, you do not lash out 

I have been with my lady for over 16 years. I was an absolute immature moron that just about destroyed it in the first two years. We went through marriage counseling and even the counselor politely told me I was an idiot. It was 98% all my fault and her 2% was mild issues. And even though we agreed to save the marriage. All of her anger was unleashed on me on a Tuesday afternoon and I deserved it at the time. She had so much anger inside over the stupid stuff I did, her lips were quivering. I guarantee if I mouthed off, probably a 95% chance she would have walked.


----------



## Darryl (9 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> This kind of attitude will completely kill any chance of getting back together.
> 
> A rumor??? You can't keep your trap shut over a darn rumor??? Do you even understand how angry and raging she must of been when she made the decision to kick you out? If she has any intention of trying to get back together, I guarantee she is doing a mental list of pros and cons in her head during the last six months. And I can tell you now, she is going to unleash that anger on you. And believe me, it will be a good sign. But keep your mouth shut. Just imagine that you are in front of a criminal judge. It doesn't matter if you agree or not, you do not lash out
> 
> I have been with my lady for over 16 years. I was an absolute immature moron that just about destroyed it in the first two years. We went through marriage counseling and even the counselor politely told me I was an idiot. It was 98% all my fault and her 2% was mild issues. And even though we agreed to save the marriage. All of her anger was unleashed on me on a Tuesday afternoon and I deserved it at the time. She had so much anger inside over the stupid stuff I did, her lips were quivering. I guarantee if I mouthed off, probably a 95% chance she would have walked.


You describe me perfectly.
She has unleashed her anger on me two times in the past week because I couldn’t keep my trap shut.
Both times I remained calm and didn’t defend myself against her attack.
She has every right to be mad at me.
I did try to calm her down in a lower tone voice and both times I wanted to hug her but she told me not to touch her, so I did just that.
Thank you, it’s nice knowing other people have experienced this and I can relate.


----------



## Darryl (9 mo ago)

I need help doing the right thing.
By that I mean I get paid Friday and I know the house will need food because my kids eat my wife out of house and home.
She only seems to reach out to me when she needs something.
She spent a lot of money on clothing and two dogs for herself as well as gym equipment and I don’t want to hold that against her, but that was her choice, right or wrong.
And she will ask me for money or groceries.
And up to this point I’ve always worked hard and provided what I can for my family regardless if I live there or not.
I don’t want to be a doormat for her, but I obviously can’t let my children go without food.
Family and friends tell me not to do it but I just can’t.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Bring groceries that you purchased. Don't just give her $$


----------



## Darryl (9 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Bring groceries that you purchased. Don't just give her $$


That’s what I usually do.
Thanks for that.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You do not need to be going to marital counseling as that ship has already sailed.

You need to be in individual therapy to help you unwind why you are chasing someone that openly admits she doesn’t like you, doesn’t wanting to be with you and is moving on with her life with other men. 

You need therapy to learn healthy coping skills and to move on with your own life as well. 

You are getting dangerously close to getting a restraining order and criminal stalking and harassment charges filed on you.


----------

