# Dating while Separated?



## Keedy (Aug 6, 2011)

Okay...my spouse and I recently separated. Before the separation we lived in the same house, but in separate rooms and NO sex life, affection, or conversation for that matter in the past 3 years. I guess my question is, is it okay to date someone else while your in the mist of a separation/divorce?our marriage has run its course and I'm no longer in love with him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, I did (and am). But it's probably best if you make sure you're both on the same page. And check out your state laws regarding adultery. Because you may be setting yourself up for a rough ride. 

OH, and make sure it's well and truly over, too... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RealityBites2 (Sep 12, 2014)

What's the goal of this separation? Work things out or you are definitely headed for a split? That's where you should begin because if you are just separated but you want to work things out to reconcile then dating simply complicates things.

I think being on separation for three years and still living in the same house is not on. You have to be decisive at some point, take action and move on.


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## Keedy (Aug 6, 2011)

Well, our marriage is definitely headed for divorce. I've already mentally and emotionally separated from him.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, if you're separated and have no intention to reconcile, do as you please. The only concern may be state laws and how they may affect things in a contentious divorce.

I started dating within weeks of moving out, because the marriage had been long over and I was emotionally ready to start dating immediately. Obviously I think it's fine to do so. Some people have issues with this, and that's their right. Typically they did not date me, which was fine, as we had incompatible views. There were always plenty of compatible people who were willing to date - and it all worked out well.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

is your husband as aware that things are over?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Keedy (Aug 6, 2011)

My stbex is aware that things are over. I've made it very clear and have started to talk (try) with him about preparing for the divorce. He's very bitter and does not want to talk about it. All we do is argue all the time. He blames all our issues on me as if he's done nothing. I've taken responsibility for my role, but he seems to think he's done nothing whatsoever. We've gone to counseling and he sits there and says nothing. The counselor asked him, what was on his mind/issue he said he had nothing to say and left. We then sought a second counselor, which basically said the same thing the previous counselor had said.I tried to spruce up our sex life, but he's just not into it and I'm tired of trying. On top of that he's very controlling and very very mentally abusive. Everything that I do in reference to achieving something he's very negative about it. 
I've been stressed out so much with the situation, that I've gone to the doctor for chest pain. My doctor put me on medication for anxiety and explained that i was stressed out. I've never dealt with high blood pressure before, but now my pressure is constantly going up. My doctor said whatever is causing you this stress, you need to get ride of it. I'm so tired physically and emotionally. I feel like I've done all that I can do. I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You don't have to justify it to me. . If you're comfortable with the decision, go ahead. 

On the other hand, there's a lot that can be gained by taking a relationship timeout to recover... Why are you concerned about dating so soon? Is there someone else on your mind? Is there a waiting period in your area, in terms of filing for divorce? Any kids involved?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Keedy (Aug 6, 2011)

My children are my number one priority at this point, but I would like to meet someone without the foolishness. I've been emotionally disconnected for three years now. It'seems time... I'm just ready to close this chapter in my life and leave the past in the past. As for the laws it's 90 days after papers are filled. I'm not trying to justify myself..simply seeking words of advice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are the kids? And have you started the paperwork?

The kids can react strongly to new partners, so keep that in mind. While it may have been over for the last 3 years for you, it's likely months for them. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Keedy (Aug 6, 2011)

Kids are 10 & 5 and I have not started the paperwork,but it's coming soon.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, I'd recommend waiting and healing for awhile, then date when you're comfortable. But keep the kids away from it for a long time. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Keedy (Aug 6, 2011)

Thank you Pbear!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Keedy said:


> My children are my number one priority at this point, but I would like to meet someone without the foolishness. I've been emotionally disconnected for three years now. It'seems time... I'm just ready to close this chapter in my life and leave the past in the past. As for the laws it's 90 days after papers are filled. I'm not trying to justify myself..simply seeking words of advice.


Everyone on TAM that doesn't have foolishness raise your hand.

Nobody? That's what I thought. Please set some realistic expectations so you do not end up hurt.

Regards,
Stretch


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Please please Keedy do not introduce the children to any one you are not ready to marry. it can have a negative impact on them.


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

I dated while separated, my divorce will be finalized next month. Do what you want. If you're ready, you're ready.


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## Keedy (Aug 6, 2011)

I'm not in the habit of introducing my children people especially men ( no harm) that I won't be in a relationship with. It's not how I was raised, but I am ready.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I would get a legal separation agreement including the language "live separately as fully as though unmarried" before getting involved with any hanky panky. Even with that document signed, notarized, etc, I would conceal any involvement with any other woman from her or the kids until after the divorce was finalized. If you could 100% trust your spouse you probably wouldn't be divorcing them. People can get nasty in a divorce. I would try to imagine every possible bit of nastiness she might possibly be capable of and defend against it. On the other hand, I would really hope she'd fall head over heels in love with some other guy. If he gets her pregnant, that's even better. The person most motivated to get the divorce takes it in the shorts.


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

PBear said:


> Well, I did (and am). But it's probably best if you make sure you're both on the same page. And check out your state laws regarding adultery. Because you may be setting yourself up for a rough ride.
> 
> OH, and make sure it's well and truly over, too...
> 
> ...


This. +1. 

Unless you are legally separated (or in VA, "divorce from bed and board") you could be setting yourself up for adultery. My BM and I have been separated for more than a year now, and she has committed adultery; I will be filing "at fault" on grounds of adultery. Thing is, you don't even have to prove that anything actually happened, you just have to prove opportunity. If you don't have anything in writing, preferably filed with the court, that gives a mutual ok to date, you still can, but.. To protect yourself and your interests in the divorce, you had best conduct yourself as though your grandmother were chaperoning the date. Public places, arrive and leave separately, etc. It's a pain, but unfortunately that's the way it has to be. My story is in the private members' section, if you're interested.
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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

I would say hold off on dating till the divorce is final. It leads to many additional arguments from your spouse and name calling. Also, my personal opinion is you're still married. 

I know many people have argued with me on this point and everyone's entitled to their thought, however, you are still married. 

Legally.. The IRS, mortgage company, credit cards and life insurance all considered you status as married.

Emotionally - I think you need to be alone and heal emotionally and finalize your life together before involving another person. 

again my opinion. good luck


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You can date. Why not?

Surely your husband knows you divorcing. You have spelled it out.


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