# Sex During Marriage Counseling?



## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

No, not during the actual sessions with the counselor... :grin2:

Hello. I just found this site, and I need some advice. :crying:

My wife & I have been married for 22 years, together for 24. We're both in our mid-40's.

Two weeks ago, I caught my wife (a phone addict) chatting online with other guys. She said she was just posting anonymous "sexy" message via the Whisper app and seeking their feedback in order to make herself feel more sexy. She just wanted to know that other people thought she was hot. Turns out that she was chatting with a couple of the responders 1 on 1 in private chats, which I did not know was possible. We had a pretty big blow-out, and I told her it had to stop. She cried, and swore that she would stop. I also told her that we needed to get marriage counseling. But, given our current schedules (we had vacations planned, etc.), it would have to wait a few weeks.

Well, last week, we took one of the scheduled vacations together, staying at a hotel by the beach for a few days around my birthday. We had a great night together the night before my birthday, going to a nice dinner, and then to a bar close by, and then home for a great night of sex. The hotel room we were in actually had two rooms, and thus two beds. I snore, so she slept in a different bed. The room with her bed also had the only bathroom. At about 2:30 AM, I awoke and needed to relieve myself. When I opened the door to her room, there was a quick flash of light -- it was her putting her phone under her body in an effort to try to hide it quickly. I asked her what was going on, and she pretended to be asleep. I then told her that I saw a light, and she still tried pretending nothing was happening. When I told her I could actually still see the light from her phone under her body, she then started back pedaling. I reached in and grabbed the phone from under her, but it was locked. We spent the next hour or more with me grilling her, telling her that I would not relent, and that she'd better spill the beans. Eventually, she did, and she told me that she had continued a chat with one person, and that she had fallen in love with him. I then insisted that she give me the passcode to her phone, which, eventually (after much argumentation and yelling) she did, and I was disgusted at what I found. No dirty pictures or anything, but very, VERY intimate talk that has absolutely no business outside of a marriage. Needless to say, I was devastated, and still am. My wife, who I trusted for all of these years, had lied to me in a major way twice in two weeks, and was having an emotional affair (at least). I can no longer trust her, at all. Now, I don't believe a thing she says, even her apologies and her confessions and her claims that it was just the one person, and that no sex happened. The trust is completely shattered.

So, this crap went down on my birthday of all days, which just makes it that much crappier. It was the worst birthday I've ever had.

That all went down @ 2:30 AM. As soon as the sun came up, we made an appointment with a marriage counselor for later in the same day -- no time to waste now! My mistake was waiting at all the first time, a hard lesson to have learned.

Geeze, that was long. Sorry I'm so long winded in the setup.

My question is this:

Is it a good idea for us to be having sex with each other while we're in the early stages of this process?

We have only had the one counseling session so far (it was on Thursday, today is Sunday). We did not have a chance to ask this question. It didn't even occur to me (I'm super pissed off at her) until last night, during a moment of weakness. I invited her back in to my bedroom, and we did already. But, should we continue to do this? I almost feel ashamed, like I'm doing it with a stranger, because she is now someone I don't trust. I just don't know what to do. Obviously, I want the physical part. But I don't know if it's healthy for me to extend myself to her in that way emotionally yet.

Don't know if this is relevant, but I will add that my wife is quite hot for a mid-40 year old woman, and has been extremely horny the past few months, wanting my attention several times a week, and this after some long periods of "drought" so to speak, so it's very hard for me to resist her. But I will try, if that's what's best.

Thanks for any responses. I look forward to the group's advice.

Man of Meung


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First things first -- is the app that she used to communicate w/ this guy gone?

Did her have her phone number? If so, she needs a new phone number.

Were they friends on Facebook or any other social media app? If so, those apps -- and the underlying accounts -- need to go away.

Did he have her email address? If so, it needs to go away.

Do you know the guy's name? Where he lives?

Any of her time unaccounted for? She been "working late" a lot? Any trips "to the store" at odd hours? And does she seem awfully dressed up/made up when she goes?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

Hello, and thank you for the quick reply!



GusPolinski said:


> First things first -- is the app that she used to communicate w/ this guy gone?


Yes. I confirmed this. But... I don't trust her to not re-install the apps, and delete them at will. Not sure there's anything I can do about that.



GusPolinski said:


> Did her have her phone number? If so, she needs a new phone number.


Yes, and she has his. Thus, I don't think a phone number change is any good either.



GusPolinski said:


> Were they friends on Facebook or any other social media app? If so, those apps -- and the underlying accounts -- need to go away.


All of the apps where they were friends are not only gone, but she "unfriended" the guy prior to their deletion. But, same issue as in my first response above.



GusPolinski said:


> Did he have her email address? If so, it needs to go away.


Yes, they exchanged those too. And the same response applies. She can always reach out to him at some later time.



GusPolinski said:


> Do you know the guy's name? Where he lives?


Yes to both. He is not close -- different continent. But, he has lived close to us in the distant past (before they ever met), and has the means to get here again.



GusPolinski said:


> Any of her time unaccounted for? She been "working late" a lot? Any trips "to the store" at odd hours? And does she seem awfully dressed up/made up when she goes?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, that part has not happened. But, I am out of the house myself for 12 hours a day due to a long commute to work. I actually doubt that anything physical ever happened with anyone, but I'm not certain.

Man of Meung


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Your first goal....

In marriage counseling and outside of marriage counseling is achieving absolute no contact.

You can't fix or work on anything with her until that is absolutely achieved.


Brainstorm with her how she can hold herself accountable to you. Maybe a flip phone, maybe completely turn off the internet to the house, maybe remove all electronic devices capable of contacting the other guy. 

No contact is essential. Don't underestimate the temptation she'll feel to reach out to him one more time and then one more time after that. 

After a few weeks of withdrawal, she'll be over it and able then to commence really working on things with you in a more productive manner.

Until then ~~ have sex with her if you want. The more time you spend together the better as it's less time for her to dwell on her inappropriate feelings for this interloper. 

Keep reading.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@ManOfMeung

She has fallen in love with another man.

Wow. Just... wow.

What is she going to do to make this up to you?

And how can you affair proof your marriage?


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

To me that's it. If my h said he's fallen in love with someone else he'd be out the door. I don't want to be a consolation prize.
Why would you even want to have sex with her really.
You need to detach and figure out how you actually feel about this...IMO.


Sent from my iPhone


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

How does she feel about you? Is she in love with you as well as the other guy? Do you want to stay married to her and work this out? Does she? 

My husband wanted to leave me last year, we went through hysterical bonding and had more sex than ever, like several times in a day. I think it was an important part in him regaining his feelings for me, I could tell that after every time we has sex he was a tiny bit closer to me, and a bit more doubtful of wanting to leave. I wouldn't have done that any differently, it worked and within a couple of months he was totally in love with me again. And since then he's been working on him self and trying to make up for what he did to me. He has also learned that love is not just a feeling, but a commitment and a choice. 

Every case is different, and whether it is best for you to have sex during this time is very hard for us to know. It is mainly up to you. How is it going to affect you to be vulnerable with her?


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Wait, do you mean during the session itself? Sounds kinky. I'm in!


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

citygirl4344 said:


> To me that's it. If my h said he's fallen in love with someone else he'd be out the door. I don't want to be a consolation prize.
> Why would you even want to have sex with her really.
> You need to detach and figure out how you actually feel about this...IMO.
> 
> ...


At that point that is what you'd be. Any BS would be. If your spouse says they love someone else, that's it. If that "love" blows up in their face and they come crawling back with their tail between their legs, nothing changes. They'll give you the whole "it was a huge mistake" and "you're the one I really love, I know that now" but that's all bullsh*t. You were the safe landing zone after their fall. They'll say what you want to hear while they figure out their next move. Even if they determine their best move is to stay with you, it still doesn't change the fact that they loved someone else more than you and chose that person.

If a BS wants to keep their cheater after knowing this, that's their choice, have at it. I wouldn't.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what is her attitude remorseful or angry because she was caught?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

ManOfMeung said:


> Thanks for any responses. I look forward to the group's advice.
> 
> Man of Meung


1) Lawyer.Now.Find out your rights
2) Get your financial ducks in a row
3) 180- start that process like last week
4) Start planning the divorce

She has told you she now loves someone else.

You are now a person of convenience.

Don't be that

Have some pride in yourself and get her out of your life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ManOfMeung said:


> Hello, and thank you for the quick reply!
> 
> 
> Yes. I confirmed this. But... I don't trust her to not re-install the apps, and delete them at will. Not sure there's anything I can do about that.
> ...


Eh... you need to rethink your tactics a bit.

For now, answer the following...

How many kids?

What kind of phone does she use? What kind of phone do YOU use?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has she given you a timeline and diary of all her interaction with the POSOM?

She is in love with him? Time for her to move out. She will find another way to contact him. Has she skyped with him?

She is in the Affair fog. So file for D. See if she wakes up.'

You can't control her. Tell her her birthday will be lousy this year.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

For me anyway , the statement that she fell in love with this guy would be enough. I don't see how you can justify sex with her anymore after that and you admit that you can't and don't trust her. On a weekend away with each other she doesn't this. I don't think that I could see past that. I hope things work out for you but it appears to be a long road ahead.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

citygirl4344 said:


> To me that's it. If my h said he's fallen in love with someone else he'd be out the door. I don't want to be a consolation prize.
> Why would you even want to have sex with her really.
> You need to detach and figure out how you actually feel about this...IMO.
> 
> ...


Comte de Rochefort, Citygirl's post says it all.

For this blast wave to come out of her mouth....heart wrenching.

She has never met the guy? Now she is in love with him?

Question her loyalty, her depth of character. She is Yellow Bellied Shallow Sally.....does not have the decency to just call it quits and ask for a divorce. My, to this Mademoiselle, the French Cake tastes fine.

She wants out. She is bored with you, the marriage...all of it. She is too selfish and listless to tell you.

Actions speak louder than words. She HAS demonstrated her disdain for you and your feelings.

You cannot "Nice her back". I would separate, let her have her freedom. She needs to feel that her actions were despicable, not forgiveable. She is in the Fog....Give her the angry Fog Horn...get out of my harbor, you pirate trumpet

She was phone sexting, on your birthday!

You, your' birthday, your marriage are all in her rear view minds-mirror.

Get out with dignity....with the little bit that she missed stepping on...pitching in the marriage dust bin.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

ALL the other problems aside -- and there are many -- I wouldn't have sex with her until you have confirmed that nothing physical went on.

And since you can't prove a negative, demand she get an STD test. she will cry and plead and beg that it isn't necessary. But you can't trust a thing that comes out of her mouth at this point.

Any kids? Are you the breadwinner? Another reason not to sleep with her - she will purposefully forget her pill and get herself pregnant as a means to trap you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Your poll results are very close. 4-3 in favor of waiting. Being in counseling has nothing to do with it - for now protect yourself. Do not sleep with her and forget about this poll.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

Quality said:


> Your first goal....
> 
> In marriage counseling and outside of marriage counseling is achieving absolute no contact.
> 
> You can't fix or work on anything with her until that is absolutely achieved.


Great advice. Inline with what was already said, and I see others here saying the same. I am going to do what I can to achieve this. I just realized last night that Verizon provides the ability to look at call & text logs for your children (if you pay for their protection service -- which I do, in order to regulate my kids' data usage). So, last night I designated my wife as one of my children in this service, since she's behaving like one. Now I can see each call and text message recipient/sender. But the apps still worry me a bit. I'm looking for a solution to that...



Quality said:


> Brainstorm with her how she can hold herself accountable to you. Maybe a flip phone, maybe completely turn off the internet to the house, maybe remove all electronic devices capable of contacting the other guy.


I already turn off the internet in the house at night for the kids (they hate that I'm a programmer), and turn off their data on a schedule (via aforementioned service from Verizon). Looks like I'll be doing that for my wife now, too. No more after-hours bs. And I love the flip phone idea.


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

citygirl4344 said:


> To me that's it. If my h said he's fallen in love with someone else he'd be out the door. I don't want to be a consolation prize.


I totally get that. She says she still loves me. And she also says she is done with that other guy -- we'll see. I'm skeptical, but I'm hopeful too. I want to work it out because I do still love her. We have 20+ years together, and I am not willing to just throw it away. But, this is the one and ONLY chance. If she does anything remotely like this again, then she's out. Period. I've already told her this, and I mean it. No room for slip ups.



citygirl4344 said:


> Why would you even want to have sex with her really.


Did I mention that she's hot?
No, in all seriousness, I am ambivalent about that issue. The sex has been great lately, and it's a lot of fun. On the other hand, it's really just sex at this point in time, given that the trust and intimacy is basically gone. So, I'm torn.


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

Emmi said:


> How does she feel about you? Is she in love with you as well as the other guy? Do you want to stay married to her and work this out? Does she?


She says she still loves me, and that she wants to work it out. I do still want to stay married to her and work it out. I'm very hopeful that it works out. But I won't tolerate any further behavior of this sort.



Emmi said:


> My husband wanted to leave me last year, we went through hysterical bonding and had more sex than ever, like several times in a day. (other happy details clipped)


That's how it's been lately with us, too. That's part of the reason it's hard to say no to the sex. She now wants it all the time. So do I.



Emmi said:


> Every case is different, and whether it is best for you to have sex during this time is very hard for us to know. It is mainly up to you. How is it going to affect you to be vulnerable with her?


Yes, this is the very stuff I'm trying to weigh. I don't know all of the angles that are involved in this, which is why I asked. Thank you very much for your input.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

If it is a iphone, you can block it from installing. I think you have to change it to require itunes password for all installs, and then you set the password. I am trying to remember how we did it, but at one point we blocked my phone from being to install anything.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Actually, here you go:

Launch Settings and tap on “General”
Tap on “Restrictions”
Tap “Enable Restrictions” to allow access to additional options and set a passcode.
Scroll down to “Installing Apps” and swipe to OFF.

You have to set a passcode for the permissions, which you can have. If something needs to be installed, you can do it.


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

Xenote said:


> what is her attitude remorseful or angry because she was caught?


Some of each... With the first incident two weeks ago, she was remorseful when I told her how much it hurt me, yet angry when I pointed out that she was just plain wrong, and that it was all on her. It was a strange conversation.

The second time, on my birthday, it was all remorse.


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> How many kids?


Two, 18yo & 13yo. Both are aware of what has happened, to varying degrees.



GusPolinski said:


> What kind of phone does she use? What kind of phone do YOU use?


We both use Android phones. I am open to ideas... The suggestion of turning off all internet & data @ night seems like a huge step in the right direction. But I need more.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

On android, in the parental controls you can block the market and web browser.

Take your device and launch Google Play on it.
Then, tap on “Menu” and then on “Settings”.
In the menu now displayed choose the “Content filtering” option. Now you will be able to set content filtering level to restrict app which can be downloaded.
There are four ratings: “Everyone”, “Low maturity”, “Medium maturity” and “High maturity”. Choose the one that you find appropriate for your needs.
When done, tap “OK”.
But, this is not enough as anyone can do what you did and can uncheck what you choose. So you might want to set a PIN code.
If you choose to set a password, when you are buying any application you would be asked to provide the PIN, meaning that only you can get the apps from now on.
The Set Pin option is located right below the “Content filtering” one.
Tap on it and choose the PIN you want to set.
Tap on “Ok”.
Retype the PIN for confirming the operation.
If you want to unlock these settings you need to reboot the device and redo the steps from above; in the end you will have the “Unlock Settings” option available.
That’s it.


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

harrybrown said:


> Has she given you a timeline and diary of all her interaction with the POSOM?


I got that myself, what with the call/text logs, and the screenshots I took of her SnapChat which I transferred to my own phone for safe keeping. I can see most of it.



harrybrown said:


> She is in love with him? Time for her to move out. She will find another way to contact him. Has she skyped with him?


No video stuff. Just long phone calls, and chat.



harrybrown said:


> She is in the Affair fog. So file for D. See if she wakes up.'


I've seen a few comments of this nature here. I'm not ready to do that yet. Really hoping it doesn't come to that. But, if it happens again, I'll be @ a lawyer's office immediately.



harrybrown said:


> You can't control her. Tell her her birthday will be lousy this year.


I'm taking the high road for now. I'm not telling her anything like that. However, I'm not going to be overly generous or excited about her birthday, that's for sure. (That's my way of saying I'm not going to do anything at all for her birthday. I'm not going to announce this ahead of time -- it'll just happen)


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> I hope things work out for you but it appears to be a long road ahead.


Thank you. Yes, I anticipate a very long road ahead, provided that things go well. If they don't, the road will, hopefully, be shorter. If it's bad news (i.e. she's not sincere about wanting to fix things), I'd rather know right away.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You can't think straight while banging your wife. My wife often tried to seduce me, and I resisted often (sometimes I didnt) but your head is fogged when getting laid. If you are in MC but it's about fixing issued and NOT daving your marriage, then bang away. If there is question that the marriage may be over, especially due to infidelity, you are doing yourself a disservice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Comte de Rochefort, Citygirl's post says it all.


After, several years of using this nickname, YOU are the FIRST person to reveal that you know its origin! :grin2:



SunCMars said:


> For this blast wave to come out of her mouth....heart wrenching.


Yes, completely. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.



SunCMars said:


> Question her loyalty, her depth of character. She is Yellow Bellied Shallow Sally.....does not have the decency to just call it quits and ask for a divorce. My, to this Mademoiselle, the French Cake tastes fine.


I have, and I will. I do want to give this a chance to work. But, as I've said, this is the only chance.



SunCMars said:


> She wants out. She is bored with you, the marriage...all of it. She is too selfish and listless to tell you.
> 
> Actions speak louder than words. She HAS demonstrated her disdain for you and your feelings.
> 
> You cannot "Nice her back". I would separate, let her have her freedom. She needs to feel that her actions were despicable, not forgiveable. She is in the Fog....Give her the angry Fog Horn...get out of my harbor, you pirate trumpet


Some here may call me naive, and maybe I am, but I'm not willing to buy into this 100%. I want to give it a chance. But thank you for your opinion.



SunCMars said:


> She was phone sexting, on your birthday!
> 
> You, your' birthday, your marriage are all in her rear view minds-mirror.
> 
> Get out with dignity....with the little bit that she missed stepping on...pitching in the marriage dust bin.


My dignity of of less importance right now than my marriage. But I will not tolerate further injury to that marriage. Any more blows (poor choice of words -- which I'm sure didn't happen) to the marriage, and it's dead.


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> ALL the other problems aside -- and there are many -- I wouldn't have sex with her until you have confirmed that nothing physical went on.


I'm pretty certain at this point, actually. From what I've found on her phone, there was only serious contact with the one person, who is in Europe (we are in the US).



PhillyGuy13 said:


> Any kids? Are you the breadwinner? Another reason not to sleep with her - she will purposefully forget her pill and get herself pregnant as a means to trap you.


We have kids, aged 18 & 13. Yes, I am the sole breadwinner. But as far as pregnancy goes, that ship sailed many years ago, for both of us. It would take an act of God for that to happen again. :wink2:


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

Tasorundo said:


> Launch Settings and tap on “General”
> (other directions snipped)


No, we're both on Android. But thank you for this.
When I figure out how to do something similar on Android, I'll post the instructions.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Can you fix a marriage without having an authentic marital relationship? 

The MC helps you solve issues in the relationship. However, if you are living as roommates, with no physical and emotional connection, issues will come up based on the current living situation. You may as well go to roommate concealing. 

It's best if conflicts emerge while you are in MC. You'll remember details and feelings better and might get a better fix on solutions. By all means get STD test but have a real marriage or the MC is an esoteric exercise having nothing to do with anything.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Catherine's post raises somewhat of a point. Not because it's completely apropo here, but more towards, what's your end goal? Are you trying to find out everything, make sure ahe came clean and find out all the dirty details? Or so you feel that you know everything, have decided you could learn to live with it and are in MC to rebuild a connection?

If its the former, you won't get much out of MC. If your goal is still to dig to find out everything (or nothing) you won't be able to reconcile with her because you won't know what to reconcile. If you want the MC to help pull out as much I formation as they can, then there is value. 

What you have to determine is what you want, right now and in the near future. If you believe her, and only you can determine that obviously, then use MC to grow closer to her and go bang away. If you don't believe her (at least yet) then keep willy in your shorts, cause you may open up more cans of worms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tasorundo said:


> On android, in the parental controls you can block the market and web browser.
> 
> Take your device and launch Google Play on it.
> Then, tap on “Menu” and then on “Settings”.
> ...


Where is @Maxo to say, "Why bother"?

Why should any spouse have to be a police officer to keep their SO within normal boundaries?

Sorry, this so sad.

You are a better person than me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I vote "Wait!"

Additionally, you need to be in a family attorney's office exploring your legal rights!

Sad to say, she has you pegged as her "Plan B," until such time that the coast is finally clear for her "Plan A" to come in to sweep her away!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_i


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

Catherine602 said:


> ...have a real marriage or the MC is an esoteric exercise having nothing to do with anything.


Wow, thank you for this! It makes a lot of sense to me. I'm grateful.


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

Herschel said:


> [W]hat's your end goal? Are you trying to find out everything, make sure ahe came clean and find out all the dirty details? Or so you feel that you know everything, have decided you could learn to live with it and are in MC to rebuild a connection?


Simply put, my end goal, as I told our counselor, is to fix our marriage. Whatever that means I need to do, and have my wife do, that's what I want to accomplish. I am in this 100%. My wife claims to be too, but time will tell. If she follows through and puts in the effort along with me, I believe the goal can be accomplished. If she doesn't, then it's over.

As a general comment, I sense that a lot of people on here have been burned, and badly. That really sucks. I am very sorry for each and every one of you to whom that has happened. I understand now how much this hurts. I never did before. And I now also understand the sentiment some of you hold that it's over, and that I should just get the hell out while the getting's good. But, I'm not there myself, yet. I hope not to have to be. I have hope because I've seen marriages get fixed, repaired, rebuilt. I want to do everything within my power to have my own marriage fixed. I have not mentioned this yet, but I am a Christian, so I believe in things like forgiveness, and that God is in control. I'm not yet ready to forgive because it still hurts way too much, and I'm not yet completely convinced that she truly is sorry -- time will tell... But, the way I see it, if God wants us to remain married, then my wife will change her ways, and our marriage will be fixed. And, if He doesn't, then he will see to it that we break up somehow. That doesn't mean that I just lay back and let him fix everything. No, I'm going to be active in this process, and I'm going to make sure my wife is too, or else why bother? I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My advice and opinion is to let them go at the first sign of disloyalty. She has a template in her mind that says lying to you and falling in love with another man is ok. Even after getting caught one time she still continued to lie to you and deceive you. When caught the second time she lied to you repeatedly until you proved to her you knew (by seeing the light of the phone under her).

I would consult with an atty and get the divorce process started. Have her served with papers. This forces her to fight to win you back. Right now all she has to do is D- work. Just enough not to fail, meaning she only has to do enough or seem to do enough to keep you from leaving her. But if you file for D then she sees you are out the door. Now she has to do A+ work in order to win you back. There is a big difference there. One leads to false reconciliation and future betrayal, the other leads to either real reconciliation or proof that your marriage is over.

If this is not fixable you want to find out now, not 10 years from now.

Also, don't underestimate the power of walking her to the edge of the cliff, grabbing her by the back of her shirt, and holding her way out over the edge for a good look into the abyss. Metaphorically speaking, not literally! If you appear weak, she'll keep trying to gaslight you. But if she sees you are strong and resolute about your own well being, she'll know she can't get away with gaming you. If she gets a good look into the abyss and realizes her lifestyle and social status are about to take a huge hit, she will have motivation to work on real reconciliation.

I've become much less Nice about dealing with dishonest wives. You deserve better than this. Really, you do. If you don't have kids living at home, and if there are no major financial issues such as co-owned businesses, I'd just let her go.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ManOfMeung said:


> Two, 18yo & 13yo. Both are aware of what has happened, to varying degrees.
> 
> 
> We both use Android phones. I am open to ideas... The suggestion of turning off all internet & data @ night seems like a huge step in the right direction. But I need more.


To start, her number needs to change. Doesn't matter if she has his number -- mitigate what you can, and do it to the furthest degree possible.

After all, you can always see who she's calling on the phone bill (on a phone that you know about, anyway). You can't really monitor OM at all.

What else do you know about him? Is he married? If so, has his wife been made aware of the EA?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

If your end goal is to repair the marriage then you need MC and both of you need IC.
Your counsellor will answer the question as to whether to have sex...sometimes it's a huge distraction but if it gets you emotionally connected than it might be advisable.
Hopefully you guys can work through this since this is your ultimate goal. Just remember for this to have a chance of working you both have to be 100% in. Nothing can be held back. 
Good luck. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Fri...d=1471946331&sr=1-1&keywords=not+just+friends

The book is for both of you to read.

If she has "fallin in love" with another guy, it'll take more than a night for her to be cured.

Having an EA with someone in another country... yeah, it can get worse. A plane ticket, or eventually meet another guy a lot closer. And with you gone for 12 hours a day with kids in school. Yeah, two people can get laid in a few minutes.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Make sure there are real consequences, otherwise you will just be rug weeping and the reconciliation will be false. Have you exposed her affair to your friends and parents? The kids are old enough to know, imo. If she can see their reactions and disappointment in her, maybe that will help snap her out of it. Have her expose the affair and see how she responds. There is a huge difference between regret and true remorse. Currently she's hooked on this high that she gets from this guy. It will take a while for her to detach from this guy's pull. Have you considered telling her you want her to be happy so you're letting her go so that she can be happy with this guy?

I'm not sure I see the point of clamping down her phone usage. Just take it away altogether, but then again she'll just buy a new phone and hide it. Shut down the home WiFi, and she can use a computer somewhere else to contact this guy. A marriage counselor offers the wet soap analogy: hold it too tight and it slips from your hand, etc... One of the best advice on boards such as this is that if you want to save your marriage, you would have to be willing to let the cheating spouse go.

Twenty-two years is a long time, but if I were you, I'd be firm and offer to let her go. Have a heart to heart with her and offer to let her go find her "happiness" with this guy. Let her know how much you love her, and that if she loves you as much, then she must give 110% effort to repair the damage she's caused; otherwise to not bother. Tell her you don't want a half-hearted effort. Tell her that if things are not as rosy as she imagined it if she does go, then there is no getting back with you. Tell her if she thinks the grass is greener on the other side, she can find out for herself, but if she changes her mind, that you wouldn't be there to be her backup plan.

Edit to add: This is a huge site with thousands of members but I don't think there are as many former waywards here as there are on SI (survivinginfidelity). There's a Waywards forum there and the many former waywards there have more insight on what she is going through at the moment. They can talk some sense into her.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

You said your goal is to fix your Marriage but you cant do it without her help. 

You caught her two times. First time she told you she wanted to feel hot and sexy which is ridiculous to me. She got no idea how much she hurt you.

Second time you caught her was on your Birthday while on vacation.She even told you she loves this man. Talk about Respecting your husband !!!

Ask her what she thinks about your 22 years old Marriage. 

She is angry with you. Do you know why is that ??? She is angry because you wont allow her to live this second life. She is angry because she cant use Internet. 

She is NOT angry on herself because she caused you and your kids pain and she is definitely not remorseful.

I have to ask you my friend : what are you going to do when you caught her next time ?
This will be a huge test for you. There is no consequences for her actions.

Stay strong.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

snerg said:


> 1) Lawyer.Now.Find out your rights
> 2) Get your financial ducks in a row
> 3) 180- start that process like last week
> 4) Start planning the divorce
> ...




Tend to agree with this post. If anything she needs consequences because when caught the first time she didn't give a s*** and continued, she lacks respect for you. Give her something to think about and let her see what she is about to lose. You have to win this battle because it is a battle, do not simply try and make things better by going to MC and doing all the things she should be doing.

Have sex with her for sure but emotionally detach (guys can do that i think)
get a lawyer and draw up papers, let her know you are not sure whether you want to continue in the marriage or not, if she doesn't care then you already know you are doing the right thing.

Remember, you may fix things now but you will always be looking over your shoulder if you let her get off lightly this time, she needs to know what she stands to lose


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## ManOfMeung (Aug 21, 2016)

TaDor said:


> I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Fri...d=1471946331&sr=1-1&keywords=not+just+friends


Just ordered it. Thanks for the tip. 

Both of us are also already reading this:

https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair...d=1471984052&sr=8-1&keywords=after+the+affair


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

aine said:


> If anything she needs consequences because when caught the first time she didn't give a s*** and continued, she lacks respect for you. Give her something to think about and let her see what she is about to lose. You have to win this battle because it is a battle, do not simply try and make things better by going to MC and doing all the things she should be doing.


OP, aine is absolutely spot on.

Your wife has barely suffered any real consequences, even after you've caught her a second time and she stated she loves the POSOM. Agreeing to MC right now is basically telling her you've "decided" to R. It's a weak minded response and amounts to putting the cart before the horse.

You need to take a step back and let her know that you need time to process what she did, to judge if her remorse is sincere, and for you to ultimately decide if R is the best thing for *YOU*. 

That time will also allow her to experience that gut wrenching feeling; that she may loose her husband for cheating. And no, don't have sex with her during this period. In fact, separate her from your bedroom. 

If you take a few weeks to do that, *and* you are satisfied that she has ended contact, demonstrates consistent remorse, and is willing to accept proper consequences; *THEN* you can tell her that you will agree to MC and give R a try.

Don't dive into R head first.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Hysterical bonding is a good thing. Few women can be in love or have passionate sex two men.It would be a big red flag if she started to deny you sex.Sex, more importantly, bonds the two of you together.

Read the NOT JUST FRIENDS book together.Carefully watch her reaction.

Also,its very important to get the MMSLP book linked to below but that's just for you.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

No you should not be having sex with her. Every time a cheating female is busted in an affair the sex is rolled out on tap in an attempt to passify and divert their partners attention away from their infedelity and the enourmous shi...t they find themselves in.

Dont fool your self here. Your wife is not having sex with you because you are a sexual god. She is trying to protect her own arse and passify you from the shi..t storm you should be unleashing on her.

Cancel any joint accounts, she hands over all passwords and removes the pin code from her phone.

That is if you want her back. Why the marriage counselling? Didn't she state that she is in love with the guy? Suppose she hasnt slept with him yet I'd hate to imagine what will happen when she does.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

ManOfMeung said:


> Just ordered it. Thanks for the tip.
> 
> Both of us are also already reading this:
> 
> https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair...d=1471984052&sr=8-1&keywords=after+the+affair


Already have that book.  thanks.


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