# Am I being unfair to my husband?



## DanaS (May 28, 2014)

So with the birth of our new baby of course there are challenges. One is daughter cries, a lot! Now I do get up to help her plenty and try to get her to go to sleep. I am planning on going back to work in about a month. Now I have asked my husband if he would be willing to get up and hold her more often because while I do keep myself in good shape my husband being younger can handle the all nighters/lack of sleep a bit better, I need mine or I am exhausted. 

He has agreed to it and he doesn't complain, but at the same time am I being unfair about this and to him? It's not that I don't think he needs his sleep either, and if I were his age I would definitely agree on being equal but in our case am I being unfair? 

Thanks for any advice!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that since you are going back to work in a month, what you are asking is fair.

Being older is not the only issue here. It's probably not the main issue. You just had a baby and need to recuperate.. to the point of being able to go back to work.

Perhaps after you get a few nights of good sleep, the two of you can take turns, every other night.


----------



## DanaS (May 28, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I think that since you are going back to work in a month, what you are asking is fair.
> 
> Being older is not the only issue here. It's probably not the main issue. You just had a baby and need to recuperate.. to the point of being able to go back to work.
> 
> Perhaps after you get a few nights of good sleep, the two of you can take turns, every other night.


Thanks, that's what I thought as well. Truth is, there are some nice advantages having a young man around lol. I just don't want to come off as taking advantage.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

DanaS said:


> Thanks, that's what I thought as well. Truth is, there are some nice advantages having a young man around lol. I just don't want to come off as taking advantage.


Dana, you're not taking advantage. You're not the only parent, and he's not the only breadwinner. It's completely fair to ask that he take on half/his fair share of the baby-care responsibilities.

Plus, it's probably good for them to bond! He might even be happy that you asked him to take more of this on.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Are you home during the day and can sleep when the baby sleeps? If so, then yes you are being unfair IMO if he has to work in the am.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

NobodySpecial, the OP said she's prepping to go back to work soon--that's why she's asking him to start taking on more responsibility, in preparation for her return to work.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Are you breast feeding? Just let her sleep with you. Nobody has to wake up.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Are you breast feeding? Just let her sleep with you. Nobody has to wake up.


And would she be less fussy about going back to sleep, then?


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> NobodySpecial, the OP said she's prepping to go back to work soon--that's why she's asking him to start taking on more responsibility, in preparation for her return to work.


In a month. I mean, this is a small deal. If the DH has agreed to do it, then great. I am not going to die on this sword.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Are you breast feeding? Just let her sleep with you. Nobody has to wake up.


Cosleeping is not for everyone. I hated it.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

It certainly seems that as long as you aren't working, you ought to be the one getting up at night if you have opportunities to nap during the day.

This of course changes when you return to work.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> In a month. I mean, this is a small deal. If the DH has agreed to do it, then great. I am not going to die on this sword.


Ha ha, wasn't asking you to fall on the sword--just thought that maybe you missed it 

Of course, I'm also Captain Obvious sometimes...


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Cletus said:


> It certainly seems that as long as you aren't working, you ought to be the one getting up at night if you have opportunities to nap during the day.
> 
> This of course changes when you return to work.


:iagree: 

I think it's unfair to start so early for him taking over when you are still at home right now and have the ability to nap, while he does not. I think the earliest you should start the change of responsibilities is one week before, otherwise it's kind of mean, in my opinion. 



LongWalk said:


> Are you breast feeding? Just let her sleep with you. Nobody has to wake up.


You don't necessarily have to co-sleep, as I know it's not for everyone(not for me), but just have the baby in your room. You can side-car the crib to your bed, have an arms reach co-sleeper next to the bed, or another set up that keeps baby really close by and easy to feed and put right back to bed. That makes life a lot easier if you're breastfeeding. I had my son next to the bed in a rock'n play sleeper, which made things a lot easier. You can transition the baby to a crib in her own room later on when she is older and sleeps better.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Cosleeping is not for everyone. I hated it.


Why? It is the most natural thing in the world babies and parents to be together. People talk about the danger of suffocating them. But really that danger comes when the parents drink.

Breast feeding improves intelligence and everything else. Your husband cannot breast feed. Are you hassling with milk pumps?


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Why? It is the most natural thing in the world babies and parents to be together. People talk about the danger of suffocating them. But really that danger comes when the parents drink.
> 
> Breast feeding improves intelligence and everything else. Your husband cannot breast feed. Are you hassling with milk pumps?


I know you are not asking me, but I also hate co-sleeping. Not for me! My son is an active sleeper and I could never sleep well with him in our bed. We all slept much better when he had his own space. 

I loved breastfeeding, but don't judge those who can't or choose not to. Everyone has to do what works best for their family.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Why? It is the most natural thing in the world babies and parents to be together. People talk about the danger of suffocating them. But really that danger comes when the parents drink.


Why did I hate it? Because I hated it? 


> Breast feeding improves intelligence and everything else. Your husband cannot breast feed. Are you hassling with milk pumps?


Please let us not get into this very OT.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Why? It is the most natural thing in the world babies and parents to be together. People talk about the danger of suffocating them. But really that danger comes when the parents drink.
> 
> Breast feeding improves intelligence and everything else. Your husband cannot breast feed. Are you hassling with milk pumps?


I tried co-sleeping....once. That's was it. Hated it and wouldn't do it again. 

OP, you still have a month before returning to work. I wouldn't ask your H to get up during the night just yet. You still have the ability to sleep during the day with the baby. If you do need unbroken sleep, wait until your H has a day off and ask him to care for the baby while you get 6 or so hours that day/night. 

A week before you return to work is a good time to have you guys starting to alternate with getting up at night. Right now, it is a bit unfair to ask him to get up at night AND go to work the next morning all while you're still having the ability to nap. 

You talk about your age and being too tired. Sorry. That's what babies do. It's definitely not fair to your H that you're using the "I'm way older than you are, so I can't do as much" line. He didn't know that. Did you discuss this together? Did you tell him he would need to get up with the baby more because of your age BEFORE you had the baby? 

You both had the baby knowing what your ages were. The responsibility is still 50/50 once BOTH of you are working again. Get your naps in during the day with your baby and allow your H to get more sleep at night for now until about a week before you return to work. Otherwise, your H *might* build up some silent resentment.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your only unfair if you demanded it from him and not discuss the matter.

More sleep will help your body recover faster. I understand that pregnancy is taxing on the body. Taking care of a baby, while your healing can make a lot of people exhausted. If he agrees with you, then there is no issue, but make sure you talk to him regularly to see how he is doing. Don't forget to take care of each other as well.


----------



## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

He works, you don't, it's unfair what you are making him do!


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Sandie said:


> He works, you don't, it's unfair what you are making him do!


Ouch. Even I, a knuckle-dragger from the Pleistocene, have learned to never phrase the difference between child rearing and wage earning in those terms.

You might want to reach for that flame resistant suit right about now.


----------



## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

She child rears, he wage earns.

FAIR is FIAR


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Of course its not unfair, you are BOTH the baby's parents, so BOTH should share the grunt work.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Of course its not unfair, you are BOTH the baby's parents, so BOTH should share the grunt work.


I work a job that requires my mental agility to be of any use to my employer. If I come to work tired and falling asleep at my desk, my wage earning potential goes to hell in a hurry.

Child rearing does require splitting the grunt work, but there are solutions that don't make me get up in the middle of the night as long as I have a caregiver who temporarily isn't going to the office.

How about I take ALL the weekend duty until you go back to work and we find a more equitable split in exchange for not having to get up on weeknights?


----------



## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

Cletus said:


> How about I take ALL the weekend duty until you go back to work and we find a more equitable split in exchange for not having to get up on weeknights?


Is it YOUR baby????


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Sandie said:


> Is it YOUR baby????


I'll never tell, paternity test pending.


----------



## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

That means YES!


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If you are home all day with the baby while he is at work, then yes I think you are being unfair. You have the ability to nap with the baby during the day when he is at work.
With our first child, my husband got up with the baby, changed her and brought her back to me to be nursed. I don't recall if he did this all the time or what. It was a long time ago.
With our other children, I was a stay at home mom, so I didn't disturb him. We put the baby in a crib. During the night, when the baby woke for feeding, I would get up and bring the baby to bed with us where s/he would nurse and we would go back to sleep. I never felt sleep deprived. When I was working with our first baby, I didn't feel sleep deprived then either. I just got to bed early every night. My husband and I worked together to care for our children, but since I was breastfeeding most of the nighttime routine fell to me. I didn't have a problem with that.
I can see taking turns if both of you are working and doing bottles, but not while you are home resting.
P.S. Congratulations on your new baby.


----------



## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

If you still have a month before returning to work, then yes, it is unfair to be expecting him to be taking on grunt of the nighttime duties. 

I just had my third child four weeks ago, so I get being sleep deprived (my husband and I are separated, FWIW, so trust me, I get it).. but unless you have other young children in the home during the day as well, then you have the ability to nap while the baby does. Your husband doesn't get that luxury while he is at work.

Wait until you have a week left of maternity leave, and then you both can begin taking turns. His age does not matter, IMO. If you were able to carry on a pregnancy and then go through childbirth, you are quite capable of nighttime duties as well.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Hey it's his kid too. I have two kids and when they were babies, I got up in the middle of the night too which was only fair.


----------



## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

Another male point of view.

I took all the middle of the night feedings for both of my kids. The reason was quite simple. I could tolerate the interrupted sleep better than my partner. 

To be honest, I rather liked it. The house was quiet and dark, and it was just me and the wee one. Often we would sleep in the chair together the rest of the night.

If he's willing, then don't worry about it.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Interesting. It seems like most of the men/fathers here are saying, "Yes, it's cool! That's what I did with my kids, and I wouldn't have it any other way!" and most of the women/mothers are saying, "No! You're being unfair because he has to work during the day."

Maybe for some men--like the ones in this thread--the opportunity to be active with the grunt work and more supportive of their spouse is more important than lost sleep, or what might be perceived by some as an unfair exchange.

Ultimately, it's up to the OP and her husband to decide what is a fair exchange of duties, and her husband sounds happy to do it.

OP, if you are concerned that you are being unfair, that means that you are by extension concerned that your husband isn't being honest with you on this topic. You need to sit down with him and discuss your concerns with your husband and come up with a solution that works for both of you--or believe him when he says he is happy to do it.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

There's a transition period to get your body and his body acclimated to a new schedules before you go back to work. I think 2-3 weeks is reasonable. The argument of age is straight up rationalization though. A mother and father are equally responsible and accountable for 50/50 of parental heavy lifting. 

So the two short answers. Yes you should transition before your work starts but yes you're also being unreasonable because you're putting age in the equation. The only age that matters is that of your child.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DanaS said:


> So with the birth of our new baby of course there are challenges. One is daughter cries, a lot! Now I do get up to help her plenty and try to get her to go to sleep. I am planning on going back to work in about a month. Now I have asked my husband if he would be willing to get up and hold her more often because while I do keep myself in good shape my husband being younger can handle the all nighters/lack of sleep a bit better, I need mine or I am exhausted.
> 
> He has agreed to it and he doesn't complain, but at the same time am I being unfair about this and to him? It's not that I don't think he needs his sleep either, and if I were his age I would definitely agree on being equal but in our case am I being unfair?
> 
> Thanks for any advice!


You have just given birth and your body needs time to recuperate, lack of sleep added to the mix is not good for you especially when you are going back to work. When you are feeling more yourself, then maybe you can help your husband and share the night time responsibility. he also needs to pull his weight. If he hasn't complained why are you so worried?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Be careful with TAM, Dana. It can make you think there are problems, even potential ones, where there aren't any.

If your husband says it's fine, go with that until further notice.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Slightly off topic but not by much. My wife breast fed so she was getting up for the overnight periods to do the feedings. 

At some point, I think it was not the first month but not much after that the two of them got in a dynamic where he was crying because he wanted to eat and she ran dry after a while. Now that leads to some crying, maybe by both. 

That's when it is time for him who does not smell like a giant tit to step in. I could generally step out with him to the living room, comfort for a short time, wind up the swing and he'd be happy. 

She'd come down in the morning amazed I got any sleep at all but it was only a ten or fifteen minute inconvenience...


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

jld said:


> Be careful with TAM, Dana. It can make you think there are problems, even potential ones, where there aren't any.
> 
> If your husband says it's fine, go with that until further notice.


I fail to see what's helpful about telling Dana to ignore opinions when that's what she's actually asking for. In this case it's her own sense of wanting to be fair rather than just being okay with doing what her husband doesn't complain about. I think it's good that she wants to be fair.



DanaS said:


> He has agreed to it and he doesn't complain, but at the same time am I being unfair about this and to him? It's not that I don't think he needs his sleep either, and if I were his age I would definitely agree on being equal but in our case am I being unfair?
> 
> Thanks for any advice!


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Male priveledge will be his excuse not to.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

DanaS said:


> So with the birth of our new baby of course there are challenges. One is daughter cries, a lot! Now I do get up to help her plenty and try to get her to go to sleep. I am planning on going back to work in about a month. Now I have asked my husband if he would be willing to get up and hold her more often because while I do keep myself in good shape my husband being younger can handle the all nighters/lack of sleep a bit better, I need mine or I am exhausted.
> 
> He has agreed to it and he doesn't complain, but at the same time am I being unfair about this and to him? It's not that I don't think he needs his sleep either, and if I were his age I would definitely agree on being equal but in our case am I being unfair?
> 
> Thanks for any advice!


You're not taking advantage of him. You both decided to have a baby and both are raising the baby. Two in the marriage.

Since you are going back to work in one month, you are starting to prepare doing so with more regular sleep patterns. You each take turns raising your baby and its not all you or him, its both of you.

Now if you decided to be a stay at home mom, then I would expect you to be up every night with the baby. Hubby works after all supporting you both and he needs his sleep.

As I get older, I can stay up later and don't need as much sleep. When I was younger, I needed more sleep and couldn't stay up late or I'd feel horrible the next day. If I worked a graveyard shift, I actually got sick because I can't stay up all night and then be expected to sleep all day when its bright out and everyone is up and about.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> I fail to see what's helpful about telling Dana to ignore opinions when that's what she's actually asking for. In this case it's her own sense of wanting to be fair rather than just being okay with doing what her husband doesn't complain about. I think it's good that she wants to be fair.


TAM can have the effect of creating problems where there aren't any. Her husband has not said anything, and if there were an actual problem, I bet he would.

I am sure it is difficult on a 45 year old body to be pregnant, give birth, and breastfeed, with only a six week maternity leave. The last thing I would want is for Dana to worry about something that probably does not even exist.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hey Thundarr... I know you mean well. But, I will say, having our child at 40 almost cost me my life, so it can be an authentic reasonable issue as it was for me. Don't make it an unnecessary issue, but if she's feeling the pain it could be legit.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Dana, you said you are exhausted. Are you getting any sleep during the day when the baby naps? Are you eating lots of vegetables and getting enough fat? Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? 
How long has it been since the baby was born?
I'm thinking maybe I wasn't concerned enough about how you are feeling and what is going on with you right now physically and emotionally. I was more focused on your comment about your husband being younger and you being home still. Now I'm thinking there is a lot more to what is going on and am wondering if you are okay.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Dana, I'm glad your husband trust that you need this. I'm also glad you want to be fair. Good luck on your new job.


----------



## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

Madam, you are not being unfair at all. Your husband wholeheartedly agreed with your request, he wasn't strong armed by anybody. One thing though, we men often push our bodies beyond the breaking, knowing full well we shouldn't. So be vigilant in making sure that your husband doesn't do this.


----------



## DanaS (May 28, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Dana, you said you are exhausted. Are you getting any sleep during the day when the baby naps?


I do get some sleep during the day but I find myself running errands and places I have to be. I am thankful my husband will get some things if I ask him to but I really don't want to over tax him since he often works long hours.



> Are you eating lots of vegetables and getting enough fat? Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding?



As for food; I am doing okay. I have been drinking lots of water and trying to eat good healthy food.



> How long has it been since the baby was born?


She was born on March 22. Fortunately giving birth went pretty well.



> I'm thinking maybe I wasn't concerned enough about how you are feeling and what is going on with you right now physically and emotionally. I was more focused on your comment about your husband being younger and you being home still. Now I'm thinking there is a lot more to what is going on and am wondering if you are okay.


I am pretty sure I'm fine, those pregnancy hormones could get pretty bad though. I even warned my husband LOL.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

DanaS said:


> I do get some sleep during the day but I find myself running errands and places I have to be. I am thankful my husband will get some things if I ask him to but I really don't want to over tax him since he often works long hours.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think for now you should let him run more errands so you can get naps during the day, but let him sleep at night. He does have to be alert at work. Are you doing this every night, or at least taking turns with him? 

Start adjusting routine week before going to work. And even then try to alternate nights, so each of you gets chane to have full nigh sleep to recover every other night. This will help to keep both of you sane. 

You are using age excuse a little too lightly, at least that's how it comes out here.Are you planning to push all activites with a kid later on on him too?


----------



## Cristina (Mar 28, 2015)

Parenting is all about sharing responsibilities and as far as the other person is not overburdened with these, I don't think you are doing anything wrong here.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DanaS said:


> I do get some sleep during the day but I find myself running errands and places I have to be. I am thankful my husband will get some things if I ask him to but I really don't want to over tax him since he often works long hours.


I guess if it were me, I would ask HIM which he would prefer/consider less taxing.


----------

