# So should I tell him?



## ladybugd (Apr 6, 2009)

I've been married for 11 years and most of that time has been less than stellar in my opinion. We do have two children, 7 and 8.

I decided several years ago that I'm going to leave him as soon as the kids are grown. I haven't said a word to him about it. In fact, I've only told one person and she hasn't said a word to him in all these years and I don't believe she would. 

For the most part, we can get along mainly because I just keep my mouth shut and don't say anything to him. I can continue this. 

Like I said, I made this decision quite some time ago and so far nothing has happened to make me change my mind. Here's my question now, should I tell him about my decision or just keep him in the dark until the time comes?

For the last 3 years or so since I made the decision, I've been fine with just letting things go as they are but recently I've been thinking that it might not be fair to him. At the same time, it may stir up a hornets nest that's better left alone. I'm just not sure at this point. Any thoughts?


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Could anything make you want to stay?

Why did you make this decision? Is he abusive? Are you a good wife?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i think you should tell him. and if you are going to tell him, also have a list of things that he can do that would make you want to stay. just dont make it too long. you've been holding in a lot over the years so it'll be hard not to let it all pour out, but that can clog up the filter, so to speak. so maybe just talk about a few things he can do that woudl make you want to stay. If he doesnt do them, well, i guess you have your answer. it also might not be a bad idea to ask him what you can do, too.


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## ladybugd (Apr 6, 2009)

TGolbus said:


> Could anything make you want to stay?
> 
> Why did you make this decision? Is he abusive? Are you a good wife?


I'd stay if he would go back to being the guy I dated so long ago and not the guy he is currently.

I made the decision because even after repeatedly telling him how unhappy I am and what I'd like to see happen, nothing changed and I just feel like he doesn't care. He's not abusive, at least not physically and I really don't even think he's mentally abusive; just incredibly apathetic. 

The last question is a little harder to answer. The first two years we were married, I was a horrible wife. I realize the error of my ways shortly after our second anniversary. Long story short, I was flipping through channels on the TV one day and PBS was showing John Gray's lectures on Mars and Venus. After watching it, I realized just how terrible I'd been and went to him, told him and let him know that I would change and I did. I changed a lot of things for the better.

It took another 3 years for him to finally let go of his bitterness. But the next 3 years were actually quite blissful. Those are the only 3 years we've that we've been married that I've been happy. What brought an end to those years was he insisted on moving so we did. We moved clear across the country. At first, he was still being sweet and supportive even though he knew I was extremely homesick. I still get really homesick at times. Anyway, about 6 months after the move, he just started acting like he didn't care anymore. So I started acting the same. 

Right now, I am not a good wife and I don't really care. I've got the same attitude as he does now, probably worse. We're more like roommates than husband and wife and have been for about 2 years now. I'm at the point now to where I really don't care what he does as long as he doesn't get in my way. Well, that's how I wish I felt. Actually, I'm incredibly resentful because he does seem to be in the way all the time and I'm not sure how to let go of that. *sigh*


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## ladybugd (Apr 6, 2009)

Blanca said:


> i think you should tell him. and if you are going to tell him, also have a list of things that he can do that would make you want to stay. just dont make it too long. you've been holding in a lot over the years so it'll be hard not to let it all pour out, but that can clog up the filter, so to speak. so maybe just talk about a few things he can do that woudl make you want to stay. If he doesnt do them, well, i guess you have your answer. it also might not be a bad idea to ask him what you can do, too.


Yeah, that would probably be a good idea but, honestly, I don't see anything coming of it. I've told him on numerous occasions why I'm not happy and he does nothing what so ever about it. Or if he does do something, it's such a minor thing like the very least he can get by with and I do try to praise the crap out of him when he does in the hopes it will bring more but it's more like he's thinking, "Ah, now I've done what she wants and I can go back to not trying now." 

Also, I don't think he's 100% honest because I've asked him over and over again if there is anything I can do that would make him happier and he always either says that he's perfectly content now or that there is nothing I can change that would make things better. Once, when things were at one of their lowest points for me, I asked him to rate our marriage on a scale of 1 to 10 and he gave it an 8. At the same time, I gave it a 2. I've told him that I think he does this to make me feel guilty. Like he's the never complaining husband and I'm the nagging wife. Right now, for me, I guess we're at about a 3 or 4.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

if you feel that bad, your actually staying for the children. but your feelings wont go away and to be honest you both deserve a life you both want, atleast to be happy.
the more you stay in yrs, you wil be more and more resentful. 
you keep this up for another 5 yrs and what did you gain.
you didnt gain n e thing. 
you wil look back on lost time and you only have one life to live, make it a happy one.
your children wil have moments whether your split up or not.
but you could meet someone on your level and share with them, atleast intimacy and love. 
you need them and want that intimacy so much more than you realise.
you miss it . 
but in order to let go, you have to make the hardest moves in your life, whether its now or later. 
you already know how u feel about being with him. 
so put the energy into yourself and your children and enjoy yourself and them.


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## ladybugd (Apr 6, 2009)

Whoa! Over the last few days I've been reading different threads in different forums here and all I can say is Wow! 

After reading some of the selfish, self centered, mean, narrow minded, narcissistic, egotistical....(need I go on?) posts here, I started thinking that maybe just maybe each of those words could describe me. Good night! Some of these people are just malicious and spiteful and vindictive. And no one but no one wants to blame themselves for their problems. Well, I'm here to say that the problems my hubby and I have can pretty much be split 50/50. 

The hubby and I are just going to have to sit down and work things out because I am not going to be one of these people. And I am not going to continue to be bitter. It just takes too much energy. Energy that can be better spent elsewhere.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Well I jsut read this thread, I may be one of those men you despise, but I'll give it a shot to maybe open an eye or two.

Well, let's see, you were the "bad wife" in the beginning, then he was mad at you for two years, then you both were happy for 3 years, now then you moved across country (east to west?) or (west to east?) and you have resented this move for the last three years.

I had moved across country and I HATED it, I moved (east to west) I moved back east 8 months later. But I was young, in my early 20's had a hard time adjusting, no family, different lifestyle...it was rough.

We been married 12 years, and 4 years ago we had to move from NJ to GA, I was very worried about the move since I did not like my NJ to CA move at all, I can fully admit I went nuts and was extremely stressed out, but I got used to it, GA was far better then CA for me. I could still visit family easily and yearly.

Well, honestly I would discuss this with your husband, he may want out as well but is staying in for the kids, like most people do. But the kids see the anger, the resentment, they see this is how a "good marriage" is supposed to be? You both are doing more damage to your children's pysches by staying together. I have a co-worker confide in me, his parents did the same for him and his sister, they saw the issues, they "felt it" it still bothers him to this day, He never got married (he is 40) his sister refuses to get married to her "man" that she has 2 kids with. They are "damaged goods"

If you are not happy, then get out of it, talk it over with him and be civil about it, tell him you want him to find happiness, you want the kids to enjoy happiness, YOU want happiness.

Go find "happy" for all of you, resenting him due to this move is hurting you all.

He doesn't care anymore, becuase he "gave up" when you changed back, there are times where I have come close to "giving up" I would stay for the kids and go through the motions, but it would not be fair to all involved, especially myself. So I worked at it, I communicated my feelings.

Talk to him, work it out for all of you, find happiness for yourself, let him find happiness.

-self centered husband out!


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## ladybugd (Apr 6, 2009)

GAsoccerman, I said mean, not men. There are just as many mean women as men on the forum, if not more.

And our move was from East to West. From Ga, actually, to Alaska. We've been here 3 1/2 years now and I've gotten to go back and see my family twice. The kids and I went back in summer 2007 for a month and then I ended up having to go right back in December of 2007 for 4 days by myself to take care of a family emergency. That's it, I haven't been able to see them any other time since we've move and right now our finances are not at a point where it looks like I'll be able to go back again any time in the foreseeable future. 

I probably wouldn't be so resentful if it weren't for the fact that he knew way before we moved that I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave my family and the only place I ever called home. Top that with the fact that I have a rare type of muscular dystrophy and cannot get the medical care that I need up here. Not to mention that because of the condition I have, I cannot tolerate extreme cold. And he knew this before the move. But he was more concerned with how much he hated GA than any of my reservations about Alaska. 

There is no anger and resentment on his part. I've asked him repeatedly and he's either lying or he truly is happy as a little lark. He also tells me quite frequently that he feels so lucky to have the kids and me. And yet, when I ask for small favors, you'd think I'm asking for his left kidney. Something just doesn't jive. I don't know. He says all kinds of sweet things all the time and then acts another way entirely. And I just can't get a straight answer out of him about how he feels one way or the other. *sigh*


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