# Feeling lost trying to fix marriage



## 346631 (Sep 30, 2020)

I feel like I'm not sure how to proceed in trying to fix my marriage.
We have been married two years and had our first child a few months before marriage. Our second child came about one year after marriage (2 year old and 1 year old now). I am now 29 and she is 27.
We have been together for the most part for 5 years, no straying or separating just a couple months here and there not living together for education/financial reasons. After the kids were born, she would spend many weekdays at her parents to get help with the kids and I would work while living with my mom (which we considered our "home"). So at least 1/3 of most months she was not living with me and I had mixed feelings about it which I shared with her. Our house is only an hour away but she is a social butterfly and I don't mind being alone, so I understand why she liked being close to family/friends. I didn't like the idea of not helping to raise my kids but she seemed happy to be at home. I can see now that I was not the best at being there emotionally and I handled the change to parenthood poorly in many regards.

The first pregnancy was unplanned but we knew we were going to have kids together at some point so we just went with it, and the second came because we didn't want to have the kids too far apart in age. So there wasn't a lot of communication around our life's plan together or exactly where we wanted to be certain years from now etc etc.
Things for us were mostly good, we argued sometimes but it never felt big, no yelling but often no real conclusion to things afterwards. I felt like I tried to apologize for how I bring things up (stuff to do with raising kids, family trips, whatever I had an issue with - I dwell if I don't bring it up and I understand I can sound accusatory to her). But I also tried to revisit those problems when we failed to conclude; because I thought that's a good thing to do to move forward. These were problems I knew we needed to work on but I never thought that we had rushed into things.

Before meeting her I felt aimless, but then we dated and fell in love with eachother. I really did love her personality and how outgoing she is among other things. I knew I had to make a good life for us and provide for her. I don't have a problem going to work in order to give my family the best life I can provide. I've had challenges with my career choice as I felt I settled on blue-collar work even though I was able to complete a bachelor's degree. Life didn't go along with my plan but I make it work for us.

I let this affect my attitude and mood too much and have definitely felt depressed about our whole situation before. Without realizing, this had been putting my wife under stress while she interacts with me and also raises two kids. It's obvious to me now that I needed to be strong emotionally and allow her to lean on me.

This realization came this past weekend when I had opened her phone and saw heartbreaking flirty messages with promises to meet up, cuddle, etc from a guy (42 year old) she knows from playing online games. They have been playing together for around 2 years and I always felt uncomfortable about their relationship (he made dirty sex jokes and opened up about personal pain and traumas outside of the game over FB messages). I tried to tell her early on when I found out that this wasn't a normal relationship and she knew I was uncomfortable. I was not there for her enough and she continued to talk to him a lot even away from the game. To me, this man was luring my wife and conditioning her but she wouldn't believe me. I believe now If I had been better or more supportive she wouldn't have felt the need to be validated. I recently found out he has gone after married women in the past and it solidified the idea I had; he preys on women who feel unloved and tricks them into thinking he will make them happy (she told me as much she is tired of being unhappy and I have seen some things they say to each other).

After I saw how far they had taken it I have been very hurt at the thought but I knew right away that I need to make our relationship work so we can both be happy and raise our kids properly. I won't see my wife taken like this and lured by a sociopath who, to me, only care about his selfish desires to come meet with a woman he is attracted to. I forgive my wife for wanting the attention and love, and have vowed to her to become a better person and make sure our family is happy and satisfied. I understand this takes time to prove myself and I try my best when she is visiting with the kids to make her not feel pressured (but this is VERY hard to try to pretend didn't happen).

However, she continues to talk to this man who I have grown to hate so much. She changed her phone lock days after the blowup (no rage just lots of crying) and now she won't tell me what is going on with the two of them other than it's nothing romantic any more. She tells me they are better friends than myself and her ever were and that she never felt I was a great friend, saying "we went from lovers to parents instead of friends to best friends to lovers to parents". I feel some of this is coming from her but a lot is coming from his influence over her. This influence seems to be very deep, I have been talking to her best friend (her best friend when we got married) and she agrees that he has overstepped. I thought I was crazy myself for a while before speaking with her. I've tried to explain to my wife that a good friend would urge her to come to me with her issues instead of trying to become her new husband (he even told her that he would have a kid with her). I just want her to cut this problem from our relationship but she won't, as she claims she can't commit to me yet. If he was out of the equation I could feel more committed myself and less stressed about being compared to something she never even had with that guy.

Where we are at now is that I can't even bring it up in the least that he is the wrong decision because she says I am pushing her and she will then push me away. I admit the whole situation has dominated my wandering thoughts since Saturday morning; I just want to feel part of a committed relationship without the looming unknown of what he is saying to her to undermine our marriage. I just can't understand why she won't cut him out, we have talked about the whole thing and a couple times I've tried to lay out the whole situation and how I saw it unfold but she stays quiet about him. In turn this makes me feel worse that I let it get so bad she is unwilling to trust me about this wedge between us.

I feel like I will end up pushing her away as I hate the guy so much, but then I remember that's what he hopes for, then I feel hatred, then I want him gone.. This cycle is doing wonders for my mental health.

Anyway I've been writing this out for over an hour so if anyone makes it this far and can help I greatly appreciate you.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

In the gentlest way possible... you need to man up here.

Your wife wasn't taking off with the kids because she is a "social butterfly". She may have been feeling very unsure of the marriage and wanted space. A lot of couples struggle when transitioning to parents, but your wife was also doing that because she is a cheater. She probably wanted the kids to be taken care of by someone, anyone else, so she could carry on her affair. And yes, that's what it is.

Your wife is having an emotional affair (EA) with another man. She has been in this affair for two years, even if she denies that, and she is letting it continue even though you know about it. That's how little she cares about you.

Also, your wife is a grown woman. She is letting this man into her life, he is not forcing his way into it. She enjoys his (virtual) company and attention and she knows damn well what is happening. She doesn't give a **** how you feel about it, because it makes her feel good. Stop blaming the OM for this. Your wife is just as much at fault, if not more, because she made vows to you - not the OM. Yes, he's probably a scumbag but so is your wife! Your wife is a willing participant and he's not mind controlling her. You know damn well that she will have sex with this man if they meet up. They will not just "cuddle" 🙄.

This tells you everything you need to know: _"She changed her phone lock days after the blowup (no rage just lots of crying) and now she won't tell me what is going on with the two of them other than it's nothing romantic any more." _Then why did she lock her phone? What is she hiding? If she wasn't doing anything wrong then she would have NOTHING to hide. You know damn well that the EA is very much still on, and probably getting worse now because you were a big ol' meanie.

Look, you cannot "nice" your wife back and it's impossible to fix your marriage while in an affair. Yes, everyone makes mistakes in their marriages and it's great that you can see your flaws but that does not give your wife a reason to cheat. She could have made other choices. Stop blaming yourself. It's weak, it's unattractive to her, you're enabling her, you're letting her walk all over you, and you're slowly killing yourself. It's time to put your foot down. 

Give her an ultimatum, follow through, show her your serious, and expose the affair for what it really is.

You need to read about the 180 and start doing it.
The 180


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Your WW is at home having fun in another relationship or in short, affair. Don't take your WW poor choice to get involved with OM as your fault. If you want to wake up your WW, expose and expose to all. Welcome to consequences. Consider filling for D that you can always retract later. Understand the intent to get physical is there. That is enough evidence to call it a day on the marriage.


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## 346631 (Sep 30, 2020)

Thanks for the replies.
I feel like the situation got worse because I’ve been distant. I would come home many days of the week while she was at home and I’d just do my own thing like work on the house or spend time by myself until dinner. It seems to me that spending time together and having fun would help but the OM is my big concern. I’d like to find a way to convince her to remove him and if I become distant he gains power.

I thought about exposing it but also think it might push her away as she would see me as someone who intends to hurt her - she admits it was wrong to go this far with him.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Idontknow33 said:


> she admits it was wrong to go this far with him.


Then why is she still doing it? And YES, she IS still doing it. If she wasn't her phone wouldn't be locked and she wouldn't be refusing to talk about it.


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## 346631 (Sep 30, 2020)

From our talks I was able to make her see that she was rushing into things with OM and she agreed, I believe she is not going that far again. But she wants to remain friends because they have shared much with each other, it would be an emotional loss to cut ties. This is how I see it and what I’m proceeding with. If this is not the case I will never be able to fix this problem. Until I have concrete evidence of their further planning a meetup I will continue to look for ways to have my family again. I understand this might hurt down the line.

I just can’t seem to find the right words that would convince her that they need to stop talking and that she should unlock her phone. She says it’s her business but what can I say to that? It is in a way but it’s also a big part of my life and I can’t get through to her. I can’t bring any of it up now because she says it makes her depressed - I feel like that’s unavoidable but she wants to avoid it entirely. There has to be something I can do or say.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

You are about to get a lot of advice that may seem counterproductive, but listen to these guys they have seen it all. You have to be prepared to lose your wife if you stand any chance of getting her back. You need to draw the line and set boundaries. Right now you're being a door mat and that is not attractive.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Idontknow33 said:


> From our talks I was able to make her see that she was rushing into things with OM and she agreed, I believe she is not going that far again. But she wants to remain friends because they have shared much with each other, it would be an emotional loss to cut ties. This is how I see it and what I’m proceeding with. If this is not the case I will never be able to fix this problem. Until I have concrete evidence of their further planning a meetup I will continue to look for ways to have my family again. I understand this might hurt down the line.


You do have evidence... you just don't want to see it. Your wife won't let you see her phone and she won't cut off the AP, that is evidence.

Your wife MUST cut off contact with the AP if she wants to stay married. No exceptions. They cannot be "just friends". You need to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You NEED to put your foot down. This is not acceptable, so treat it as such.



> I just can’t seem to find the right words that would convince her that they need to stop talking and that she should unlock her phone. She says it’s her business but what can I say to that? It is in a way but it’s also a big part of my life and I can’t get through to her. I can’t bring any of it up now because she says it makes her depressed - I feel like that’s unavoidable but she wants to avoid it entirely. There has to be something I can do or say.


Again, you need to put your foot down. She unlocks her phone, or you walk. She cuts off contact, or you walk. She tells you everything, or you walk. She gives up all privacy, or you walk. Stop being a doormat. Those are the "words" you need to use to snap her out of it. You cannot "nice" her back.

She doesn't get any privacy after having an affair, sorry.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't see this being a lifetime happy marriage. I'd cut your losses now, get a divorce, and set up a great co-parenting plan. And work on being a wonderful dad to them.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bobert said:


> You do have evidence... you just don't want to see it. Your wife won't let you see her phone and she won't cut off the AP, that is evidence.
> 
> Your wife MUST cut off contact with the AP if she wants to stay married. No exceptions. They cannot be "just friends". You need to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You NEED to put your foot down. This is not acceptable, so treat it as such.
> 
> ...


@Idontknow33 if you don't get this answer and make some plans to be independent you're going to be independent later when SHE dumps you coldly, swiftly and in an immediate way when the time is right on HER timeline. That's virtually guaranteed. 

Your best way forward is to concentrate on yourself, build independence no matter what she does and tell her to go now if she doesn't change her ways. 

Don't give her time to think.

Just tell her to go now, on your timeline. She's shown you that your relationship with her is backseat to all, and she's now only using you as a resource and home base till she's ready to leave anyway.


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## 346631 (Sep 30, 2020)

Ok but if she chooses to not drop him, how could I go on? I mean she’d be deciding a fictional relationship with a middle aged loser she has never actually met and doesn’t know if he has ever told the truth is better than what we have and what I can give her.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Idontknow33 said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> I feel like the situation got worse because I’ve been distant. I would come home many days of the week while she was at home and I’d just do my own thing like work on the house or spend time by myself until dinner. It seems to me that spending time together and having fun would help but the OM is my big concern. I’d like to find a way to convince her to remove him and if I become distant he gains power.
> 
> I thought about exposing it but also think it might push her away as she would see me as someone who intends to hurt her - she admits it was wrong to go this far with him.


If your WW knows it is wrong why the continue with it? Ego kibbles. That's all. Why would you want to help hide your WW secret? Expose.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Idontknow33 said:


> Ok but if she chooses to not drop him, how could I go on? I mean she’d be deciding a fictional relationship with a middle aged loser she has never actually met and doesn’t know if he has ever told the truth is better than what we have and what I can give her.


You need to advise your WW that she needs to sign up for IC and find our why she has done this. You can't fix her. As for you, 180 and start separating finances. Consult a lawyer.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I don't see this being a lifetime happy marriage. I'd cut your losses now, get a divorce, and set up a great co-parenting plan. And work on being a wonderful dad to them.


FTW


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Idontknow33 said:


> I feel like I'm not sure how to proceed in trying to fix my marriage.
> We have been married two years and had our first child a few months before marriage. Our second child came about one year after marriage (2 year old and 1 year old now). I am now 29 and she is 27.
> We have been together for the most part for 5 years, no straying or separating just a couple months here and there not living together for education/financial reasons. After the kids were born, she would spend many weekdays at her parents to get help with the kids and I would work while living with my mom (which we considered our "home"). So at least 1/3 of most months she was not living with me and I had mixed feelings about it which I shared with her. Our house is only an hour away but she is a social butterfly and I don't mind being alone, so I understand why she liked being close to family/friends. I didn't like the idea of not helping to raise my kids but she seemed happy to be at home. I can see now that I was not the best at being there emotionally and I handled the change to parenthood poorly in many regards.
> 
> ...



Lord.. what's going on with you dude. Did you a have a male figure in your life growing up? It does not sound like you did, and if you did, it must not have been a male positive one. You are acting like those 1950's wifes that have not other option but to put up with their husbands. 

You need to man up, grow a pair of balls, or recover them from wherever you left them and put an end to this **** you're eating. Your wife is acting this way because she has not respect for you. You don't measure up to her fantasy man, and she knows that you like a corralled mouse, all you will do is to complain, and pout, while doing nothing else. 
You are trying the "pick me" dance, which one of the weakest thing a person can do. You must look pathetic to her.

She says to stop pushing her...really? what I would do is kick her out my life because I have self respect and self-worth to put up with a woman like her. Divorce her. You'll be divorcing her not your kids. 50/50 split and be done. You are nothing, but bankrolling her and probably paying for her online gaming romance with the dude. Pathetic.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Idontknow33 said:


> Ok but if she chooses to not drop him, how could I go on? I mean she’d be deciding a fictional relationship with a middle aged loser she has never actually met and doesn’t know if he has ever told the truth is better than what we have and what I can give her.


You file for divorce and begin moving on. Maybe she will come to her senses when she knows you mean it, by then you may realize how much better you feel alone. If she doesn't come to her senses, well, you still chose right because living like this will destroy you and she has left you with no other options.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I honestly have no idea how a mum with a one and two year old has time for online games. 
As your wife her place is with you not spending all her time at her parents house. 
My non negotiable condition for the marriage to continue in your position would be that she must cut off all contact with this man and stop that online game. Also that she must be open with her phone etc. You are not responsible for her behaviour, she is.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

REDACTED

After your outburst above, I'm going to have to go with @Rob_1 response.

Your outburst reminds me of a child's instant response throwing a tantrum when he/she's been caught in a fib and has no other response but to stamp her feet and say ugly things.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

REDACTED

Stop being a door mat. The pick me dance will not work. The begging, pleading, and tears make you look weak. Take the bull by the horns. Be direct and take control of the situation. When your WW sees this things will take on a different look. Expose.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'm with Rob... Your reply is that of an 8-year-old who throws himself on the floor because he can't have it his way or doesn't yet realize that life isn't fair.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think that you probably weren’t there for her emotionally in the beginning, and she wasn’t there for you emotionally in the beginning either. You made mistakes, you have acknowledge them, and are willing to fix them.

But it’s very obvious that she is not being fair to you. You can’t work on something with someone who distances themselves from you. She needs to move back in with you, stop talking to this dude, and rely on you more. You guys need therapy.

But for some reason she doesn’t want to work on the relationship. She wants her cake and she wants to eat it too. You can’t make a relationship work with someone like her. But you can stop her from disrespecting you. Do not put up with it anymore. Just because you made mistakes early on doesn’t make what she is doing ok.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Here, read it... No more Mr Nice Guy 

You may think so, but your situation is not unique There are plenty of stories on this forum and others about guys just like you. Don't run away, read them.

Best


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Look, take what folks who write here with YOUR view -- read and learn, but you don't have to follow everyone's advice.
Here is the issue: She KNOWS you won't do anything, so she is going to continue her affair. You KNOW this is an affair, you've already seen the evidence. SHE KNOWS THIS ALSO, so you don't need to convince her.

What you need to do is consult a lawyer, see what divorce would look like, and most importantly GET YOUR MIND around the fact that she may NOT stop in which case you will have to follow through with divorcing her.
When you have your plan together, and your HEAD together, you will have to force the issue -- no other way here.
Tell her: She cuts off ALL contact with the AP, STOPS that game, opens ALL of her electronics (phone, email, etc.) or you walk and divorce. 
However you MUST be ready to actually pull the trigger and divorce her. If you bluff, and she calls it, you will be much worse off than you are now.

Your choice -- live with her cheating, or implement the divorce which MAY (may not also) get her to stop and re-join the marriage. If she does rejoin, she will need IC to see what let her do this to your marriage. Sometime later, you will probably need Marriage counseling. YOU may also want a counselor to better yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Idontknow33 You weren't the perfect husband. Well, true though that might be, it did not give your wife the excuse to become a cheater. Which is what she did. And even if she doesn't like to think of what she did as cheating, it is cheating.

A thief might like to see himself as a wealth redistribution technician. But everyone, including him, knows he's really nothing but a thief.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Idontknow33 said:


> Ok but if she chooses to not drop him, how could I go on? I mean she’d be deciding a fictional relationship with a middle aged loser she has never actually met and doesn’t know if he has ever told the truth is better than what we have and what I can give her.


What proof do you have they have not met? You don't! I bet the phone has the story she will not let you see. You need to nip this in the bud before she is gone for good. I would have a conversation with her parents. Unknown to them, they may be watching kids while she goes out to meet up with him.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Married people aren’t allowed to date, in most marriages.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Idontknow33 said:


> Ok but if she chooses to not drop him, how could I go on? I mean she’d be deciding a fictional relationship with a middle aged loser she has never actually met and doesn’t know if he has ever told the truth is better than what we have and what I can give her.


That becomes HER problem, not yours. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You’re being a chump and a simp. 

Young men today have been feminized and raised to believe they need to serve and cowtow to women in order for women to like them. 

What would your grandfather have done 50 years ago if he caught your grandmother fooling around with some dude???

Do that.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Idontknow33 said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> I feel like the situation got worse because I’ve been distant. I would come home many days of the week while she was at home and I’d just do my own thing like work on the house or spend time by myself until dinner. It seems to me that spending time together and having fun would help but the OM is my big concern. I’d like to find a way to convince her to remove him and if I become distant he gains power.
> 
> I thought about exposing it but also think it might push her away as she would see me as someone who intends to hurt her - she admits it was wrong to go this far with him.


your distancing is making matters worse you need to engage, and you need to engage not only with the kids but with her and you need to remind her that cheating is cheating and that will not be tolerated


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