# Newlyweds - Wife has no sex drive



## deek1star (Jan 17, 2012)

Hey everyone,

I am 35 years old now and my wife is 32... We have been married for just over a year (last Nov)... Ever since we have been married our sex life has been horrible... Prior to marriage it was 3-5 times a week and everything was great, but just after marriage it has dropped to about once ever 3-5 weeks... We both have good jobs, make good money, both our families like the other spouse, care for one another, are affectionate to each other, but no sex!!! I have gotten to the point where i don't even seem to miss it anymore and that sucks more than anything... I am just don't expect it ever... 

My wife dated before we got married, had boyfriends, the whole nine yards, but she never had a vibrator, never liked to give oral, believes that masturbation is "almost" cheating... 

I am kind of at my wits ends, since she is crazy for kids and is dying to have a baby, but she is missing the one prerequisite for that to happen... SEX!!!

I just need some direction here

Thanks


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't know what to say. Although, I never had a vibrator either and I'm very sexual.


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## deek1star (Jan 17, 2012)

I am not saying that is the issue, i was just wondering if that maybe, prior to marriage she was just not as sexually open as other people and it is coming out now...


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## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

Marriage does change things. How have your views of one another changed? What are your views and hers, individually, of the responsibilities and benefits of a bf/gf vs a husband/wife relationship? Maybe you will need to develop a new and different sexual relationship based on those views.


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## deek1star (Jan 17, 2012)

Thats the thing, we openly talk about it, and know it is an issue... She states all the time that she "does not know why we are not having sex more"... But it is starting to feel like it is lip service... I have done the dinner when you get home thing, bottle of wine and flowers thing, even went so far as to make a mix on my ipod for some insipration... I AM A 35 YEAR OLD MAN MAKING A MIX TAPE TO HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE!!! LOL

I just didnt think that sex would ever be this hard... Sure i figured it would slow down with kids or a busy week/month but not when we are young, she is at her sexual peak, no kids, and all the privacy we want...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi deek ~

First, don't think about having a baby until you get this resolved. 

Second, would you two be willing to 'schedule' sex two times a week? Just make it a point and schedule it on the calendar. I know that doesn't sound romantic, but sometimes just doing it and being committed to doing it can make a real difference.

Is she able to be easily aroused by you? I myself may not be exactly 'feeling it', but am willing to let my H help me get in the mood - mostly whenever he feels like having sex I am game to try. Many women actually feel desire for sex AFTER they start in to doing it. And that can hang up many men and women who believe that you both have to be "in the mood' at the same time before it's a go. The point is that you can often get in the mood even if you don't start out that way.

Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today

Best wishes.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

join the club, it gets worse


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

The fact that she does not do oral and thinks badly about masturbation is odd.

On a hunch, I am going to ask what her religious upbringing was. There are large groups of people (like observant Catholics) who really believe that sexual activity not open to conception (oral, masturbation, birth control) are immoral / wrong.

If that is her, you will have to break through the baggage.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Deek - I am totally with Enchantment here. Do not even think about children until you sort this - even if you do sort it, keep it in the back of your mind).

Sex is a vital part of marriage....if there arent any children involved then divorcing is so much easier. 

As Brendan said....if you have a sex problem now and it doesnt get 100% resolved, it WILL get worse in time. Believe me (and him!).

Good luck!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I also believe all the above are immoral. But how exactly does your wife want to 'get' a baby without sex. Is it possible that you are 'immoral' and you want these 'things' and this turns your wife off.


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## deek1star (Jan 17, 2012)

I don’t have any issue with all of the above... I don’t believe that I am immoral nor do I believe these things are immoral, I was just pointing out that maybe our previous sexual tolerances may be a bit different and that might be leading to a different viewpoint on our sexual relationship... 

As far as masturbation goes, I have no issues with it and believe it to be natural and actually healthy... At my wife’s request I have tried not to, however after 4-5 weeks without sex or anything else, it does tend to be a viable alternative... 

I am not asking for the world here, I am not expecting sex 10X a week, once a week would be fine... And as much as I would love to schedule sex, I think that does take something away from it, I am more concerned as to why it is not happening naturally...


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You seem to have missed my point. Maybe you turn your wife off because of your 'immoral' behavior like masturbating.
What exactly does she expect you to do when she refuses.
I would also add it is immoral for a wife to refuse.


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## deek1star (Jan 17, 2012)

I understand, and for awhile I did stop because she didnt like the idea, and she did say that was turning her off, however after an extended period of time, like 3 months or so, me not doing it did not remedy anything... I am not sure what she expects...


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont think you need a counselor. You will just have to have it out with her. If you cant 'talk' write her a letter. By the way how does she know if you masturbate or not. 
As a newly wed i really think you should also think about divorce. I hate to say it. Unless you find out exactly what she wants you cant continue to live together.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

DO NOT HAVE KIDS, this will drive you deeper into depression.

If you arent having sex now, it will only get worse. A divorce is easier without kids and you can start over.

I'd have it out and put the cards on the table, heer choice. Sounds like she snookered you into the marriage.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

deek1star said:


> Thats the thing, we openly talk about it, and know it is an issue... She states all the time that she "does not know why we are not having sex more"... But it is starting to feel like it is lip service... I have done the dinner when you get home thing, bottle of wine and flowers thing, even went so far as to make a mix on my ipod for some insipration... I AM A 35 YEAR OLD MAN MAKING A MIX TAPE TO HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE!!! LOL
> 
> I just didnt think that sex would ever be this hard... Sure i figured it would slow down with kids or a busy week/month but not when we are young, she is at her sexual peak, no kids, and all the privacy we want...


I would seriously consider Enchantment's advice about scheduling sex especially since your wife is open to discussing the issue. I'm in the same boat, but I have an unwritten rule in our house that I will have sex with my husband at least once a week, often times it is more than that. The others are correct in that this issue does need to get resolved before you have babies, as a woman's drive often decreases more after children for a little bit anyway and you have less time to focus on one another... and that can be detrimental to an already faltering sex life. I really hope your wife is willing to put forth some effort too to resolve this  Good luck!


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## deek1star (Jan 17, 2012)

Had a talk last night, and she mentioned that since she is the first in her family to be married, the pressure from her parents and friends to get pregnant is really starting to stress her out and that is what is keeping her out of the mood... Not sure if this is legitamate, or just another excuse, but she is open to talking about about it, but that is usually as far as we get...


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Accept, I disagree. A sex therapist may be exactly what she needs. I presume your views on "immoral" come from a religious background. I am a Christian and do not share your views. Here is a website that, in my view, presents a healthy view of sexuality:

Christian Nymphos

Deek, I hope you read the link that Enchantment gave. That is the case with my wife. Her desire usually comes AFTER we start. I have some questions for you:

Is her view of oral and masturbation from a religious perspective?

If you started (as in the article) would she go ahead with her desire increasing or does she simply refuse?

Also, take a look at this site and buy the book. I don't agree with everything, but the author hits on some valuable issues:

Married Man Sex Life 

Finally, two great books that will help your relationship in every area are:

"The Five Love Languages"

"The Couple Checkup, Finding Your Relationship Strengths"


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

deek1star said:


> Had a talk last night, and she mentioned that since she is the first in her family to be married, the pressure from her parents and friends to get pregnant is really starting to stress her out and that is what is keeping her out of the mood... Not sure if this is legitamate, or just another excuse, but she is open to talking about about it, but that is usually as far as we get...


You should tell her that it is non negotiable and you are not even going to consider having children until you marriage becomes highly sexual. And then stop talking about having children.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Hicks said:


> You should tell her that it is non negotiable and you are not even going to consider having children until you marriage becomes highly sexual. And then stop talking about having children.


And then when other's outside of your marriage continue to pressure y'all about children, kindly let them know that you and your wife have plenty of time for that and that it is a plan for the future but not right now  

And then schedule a full on sex session soon


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

deek1star said:


> I don’t have any issue with all of the above... I don’t believe that I am immoral nor do I believe these things are immoral, I was just pointing out that maybe our previous sexual tolerances may be a bit different and that might be leading to a different viewpoint on our sexual relationship...
> 
> As far as masturbation goes, I have no issues with it and believe it to be natural and actually healthy... At my wife’s request I have tried not to, however after 4-5 weeks without sex or anything else, it does tend to be a viable alternative...
> 
> I am not asking for the world here, I am not expecting sex 10X a week, once a week would be fine... And as much as I would love to schedule sex, I think that does take something away from it, I am more concerned as to why it is not happening naturally...


You guys are not just "a bit different" with respect to your sexual tolerances; you seem to have fundamental differences regarding the appropriate role of sex in your lives. Beyond the mismatch in attitudes on various sexual activities, it seems that your wife does not feel that sex is an essential part of marriage. That she can comfortably ask you to go over a month with no sexual release of any kind is a huge red flag.

You really need to have a sit-down with your wife and map out your vision for the marriage (including sexually - frequency + activities) and ask her in turn what her view is. There are many people who, for a variety of reasons, feel that sex is base and dirty and going without is somehow more enlightened.

You need to get to a point with your wife where she works with you to achieve a marriage that you can live with (and by 1x per week you are being EXTREMELY reasonable). If not, then you have to consider your options. Unfortunately, if she has baggage (bad teachings on sex, abuse) then serious counseling is in order and you may have to simply insist she gets help.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

deek1star said:


> Had a talk last night, and she mentioned that since she is the first in her family to be married, the pressure from her parents and friends to get pregnant is really starting to stress her out and that is what is keeping her out of the mood... Not sure if this is legitamate, or just another excuse, but she is open to talking about about it, but that is usually as far as we get...


What do you mean by legitimate? If you mean whether she's actually getting pressured by family, that could be happening.

But, she's married to you. Pressure from her family should have zero impact on your married sex life. Also, her saying that this is keeping her out of the mood is basically saying "sex without the possibility of pregnancy is a drag - I don't want you just for you."

You can bet that if you agreed to have a child she would hit the sheets in no time flat. But, this is a bad idea and just sweeps the big issue (her failure to acknowledge your sexual needs as valid on their own).


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

deek1star said:


> Had a talk last night, and she mentioned that since she is the first in her family to be married, the pressure from her parents and friends to get pregnant is really starting to stress her out and that is what is keeping her out of the mood... Not sure if this is legitamate, or just another excuse, but she is open to talking about about it, but that is usually as far as we get...


Stressors in a person's life, whether man or woman, can very definitely have a negative impact on a person's sex life. Many women can be especially vulnerable to this, and it can require a bit of work to learn how to manage - for her individually and for both of you in the relationship.

But, I am curious as to this. Your first post said "she is crazy to have kids", and this post seems to suggest that she feels so much pressure and is too stressed to perform and is perhaps reluctant to have them? You both need to get to a point where you agree that you want to have kids on your own timeline and no one elses, and that you agree to work on your issues before bringing a baby on board.

If she is willing to talk about it, you actually have something of a headstart. There are many people who won't even tolerate talking about it and can't even get out of the gate. If you can talk about the issue, then you should be able to bring up brainstorming for possible reasons and solutions.

Let me also ask - did anything change after you got married? Did she start using hormonal birth control? Did she stop using birth control? The reason I ask, especially if she is in something of a quandary about having children - is that for some women (and I was one of them) - there can also be a real fear of getting pregnant. Are you SURE that she is really wanting to have a child, or is she simply being pressured in that direction? If she is being pressured in that direction and does not really feel ready, one surefire way to ensure that she doesn't get pregnant is to not have sex. Perhaps another angle to consider - since I don't know your wife I cannot tell whether it is relevant or not, but I put it out there for you.

Best wishes.


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