# please help!!! Addiction, or infidelity??



## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

57 years old, a happily married mother of 4 grown children, and i have 11 beautiful grandchildren.. I stress "happily married" as i truly am, but 6 years ago i started chatting online with young men, i downloaded pictures of a beautiful young woman who they believed was me..i felt younger and enjoyed chatting..i did that for almost 2 years.. i was caught out by my daughter, and after her telling the rest of my children, they didnt talk to me for a while, i thought about what i had done, and how it could have ruined my happy marriage and my happy life, i stopped.. A month ago, i downloaded pictures again, and my daughter found them before i had a chance to do anything with them, thankfully, we argued, i deleted the pictures and thought no more of it.. Im here to ask if anyone else has been through this? My husband doesnt know about any of it..i would never tell him as he would be devastated..i couldnt hurt him, i love him so much..So what made me do it??


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> 57 years old, a happily married mother of 4 grown children, and i have 11 beautiful grandchildren.. I stress "happily married" as i truly am, but 6 years ago i started chatting online with young men, i downloaded pictures of a beautiful young woman who they believed was me..i felt younger and enjoyed chatting..i did that for almost 2 years.. i was caught out by my daughter, and after her telling the rest of my children, they didnt talk to me for a while, i thought about what i had done, and how it could have ruined my happy marriage and my happy life, i stopped.. A month ago, i downloaded pictures again, and my daughter found them before i had a chance to do anything with them, thankfully, we argued, i deleted the pictures and thought no more of it.. Im here to ask if anyone else has been through this? My husband doesnt know about any of it..i would never tell him as he would be devastated..i couldnt hurt him, i love him so much..So what made me do it??


To answer your question - it's both. You need to get some serious counseling and fess up to your husband. If your daughters know, he'll eventually find out. 

Then what?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

You're obviously seeking attention but you have to realize that these young men wouldnt likely be giving you that attention if they knew who the real YOU is. Not saying you arent a good or attractive person, just saying that they think they are giving someone else that attention and its not fair to them or real for that matter!

Your husband would likely be hurt by this. Does he not give you attention? Or are you hung up on feeling validated? Remind yourself what you're getting from these other guys is not real!!

You definitely need to see an IC....get yourself right before it destroys your marriage!


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

But i havent done it for 5 years now, and i know in my heart that i wont do it again..my children have known all this time, and they have never said a word to my husband. i just need to know what made me want to do it, and think about it again a month ago.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> But i havent done it for 5 years now, and i know in my heart that i wont do it again..my children have known all this time, and they have never said a word to my husband. i just need to know what made me want to do it, and think about it again a month ago.


All I can tell you is I couldn't imagine the anxiety and guilt from my children knowing this, and expecting them to keep this secret from their father. You've put them in a compromised situation from the start.

Consider this: 

If you tell him, your children, grown or not, will gain respect for you for coming clean. 

If/when he finds out, he may very well permanently resent them for not telling him sooner and keeping him in the dark. You'd be responsible for that.

If/when he finds out, even if 10 years form now, he can rightfully say that you let him live in a lie for every year since it happened. Imagine the added shame and anger of knowing that even his own children knew before he did.

Finally, part of overcoming an addiction is admitting to yourself and others that you have a problem. That you understand there are consequences and are ready to face them. But if he hears it from them instead of you, those consequences will be much greater.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I have trouble understanding this. If they compliment "you" it isn't even your picture they are looking at. I don't know what you could be getting out of this. You should watch the documenty "Tal Hot Blonde" about a woman who did this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's both an addiction and infidelity. You are addicted to the attention you are getting. Are you doing any sexting? Or is it 'just' talking? Do you exchange "I love you's"?

This is one reason that I would be very reluctant to have any kind of on-line relationship. A huge percentage of people who do these things are lying up a storm about who they are. 

You think that you were fooling those guys. Well they might not have been who they said there were either. It's very common for married men to pretend that they are younger men to pick up on younger women on line.

It's also much more common than some realize for those who pass themselves off as youger women online to actually be a man pretending to be a young woman because it's easier for a female to get attention.

Every time you think about doing this.. imagine that the real person behind that young guy you flirt iwth online is really some big, gross, greasy much older than you who still lives in his mother's basement. That should cure you!!! 

And you need to get out, make friends and get a life. You are seeking attention because there is something very missing in your life. You need to find out what it is and find an healthy outlet.

What do you do for yourself? what are your passions in life?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

boogaloo2 said:


> 57 years old, a happily married mother of 4 grown children, and i have 11 beautiful grandchildren.. I stress "happily married" as i truly am, but 6 years ago i started chatting online with young men, i downloaded pictures of a beautiful young woman who they believed was me..i felt younger and enjoyed chatting..i did that for almost 2 years.. i was caught out by my daughter, and after her telling the rest of my children, they didnt talk to me for a while, i thought about what i had done, and how it could have ruined my happy marriage and my happy life, i stopped.. A month ago, i downloaded pictures again, and my daughter found them before i had a chance to do anything with them, thankfully, we argued, i deleted the pictures and thought no more of it.. Im here to ask if anyone else has been through this? My husband doesnt know about any of it..i would never tell him as he would be devastated..i couldnt hurt him, i love him so much..So what made me do it??


Infidelity is an addiction. It is an addiction to the brain chemicals. The thing is that it does not justify the behavior. It is wrong period.

Please stop. You have proved you can go without doing this.

I suggest when you get "bored" and this is what this is you fin a way to put the energy into your primary relationship. You need to rekindle the excitement there.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

badmemory said:


> To answer your question - it's both. You need to get some serious counseling and fess up to your husband. If your daughters know, he'll eventually find out.
> 
> Then what?


I totally disagree. Don't fess up, that will just hurt your husband with no benefit. 

We all have weaknesses, we are all a little vain. Getting older is sometimes hard to accept, that is why you did it. It made you feel young and desirable. Is that so hard to understand?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> But i havent done it for 5 years now, and i know in my heart that i wont do it again..my children have known all this time, and they have never said a word to my husband. i just need to know what made me want to do it, and think about it again a month ago.


So, you have got your kids to keep secret the fact that you have not been faithful to your husband?

You have, in effect, abused the trust of your husband and abused the trust of your children. 



> *"Now, let's just keep this our little secret, shall we, kids? After all, we don't want your father to find out. It would devastate him."*


That sounds, to be frank, just a little bit abusive of you towards your children and disrespectful of your husband and of your children.

You have made your husband a cyber cuckold and your children know this and are holding this nasty, dirty secret.

That's not good.

Generally speaking, what's your relationship with your husband? 

I'll ask you a question and I want you to think about it:-

Do you have any disrespect for your husband? (After all, what kind of a fool must he be for not realising your secret, huh?:scratchhead

If your husband had done this with young girls on line, what would your reaction be to him?

If your husband knew about the fact that you had been making him into a virtual reality cuckold, what would his reaction be to that?

Was the turn on the fact that you could cheat on your husband but do so in perfect safety?

Had he done anything to deserve your disrespect? Was this a revenge affair, of a sort?

And some people might question that your are happily married. Well, you might be happy in your marriage, even though you know you did bad stuff by cheating on your husband. He, however, is presumably happy in the marriage because he doesn't know you were a cheat and have been considering cheating on him again. *Therefore his happiness might not be based in reality...*


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

THROW THE COMPUTER AWAY!

And I'm different than the rest --- I'd totally not tell your husband even if your children know. If they tell Dad, then, in my opinion, they want to see drama and possibly watch a marriage go down the drain.

You know your husband, we don't. Some people just can't handle any kind of infidelity AT ALL. We don't know what kind of person he is. 

I would suggest marriage counseling first - then if you want to come clean, have a counselor help in office.

At least you say you are done. Remember, these guys want to F the girl in the picture and you are playing them. 

THROW THE COMPUTER AWAY. You are almost 60. For most of your life you were fine without one.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Can I ask you something? Why?

As in "Why did you need the attention of younger men?" or "Why did you have a need to feel young?" These are the rationalizations you give for your online trysts. Why?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, I really am getting tired of the whole story being split into different threads, in different sections. Here is one of her replies on a different thread: 


boogaloo2 said:


> ok, so it was just chatting, maybe some of it became a bit sexual if im honest, but i was pretending to be someone else...you think i could tell him that?? Thats just not happening


And the thread here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-addiction/67597-different-kind-addiction-please-help.html


Boogaloo2, it was an affair. You cheated. And now you are hiding your infidelity from your husband. He should be told the truth.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

There are deeper issues here, you need counseling to help you discover what the real reason is behind all this. You are certainly missing something, searching for something, but what is it and why?

I question your whole idea of happiness.

This is not fair to your husband, your kids, or yourself. Your kids are discovering your infidelity so that, to me, means they are suspicious and looking. They know things are not right. Time you realized that too. Your kids discovering this is heartbreaking and painful to them. They are in a huge conflict here, tell dad or not to tell dad. YOU are placing them in this unwelcome position. 

You have got to stop this and get help!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If you don't stop we will see you on a episode of MTV Catfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I think you need to do self work. In IC you might be able to discover the reason you seek out attention from males, younger, on line with fake personalities and pictures, hopefully you'll be able to address the issue at the heart of it.

There is no reason one should spend the amount of time and energy it must take to find pictures and create profiles and all that to be someone else on line. There has to be better things for you to do on line then "play with young pups heads".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

B1 said:


> There are deeper issues here, you need counseling to help you discover what the real reason is behind all this. You are certainly missing something, searching for something, but what is it and why?
> 
> I question your whole idea of happiness.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

boogaloo2 said:


> .i couldnt hurt him, i love him so much..So what made me do it??


Little white lie here? If you did love him, it would have never happened in the 1st place. You don't want to hurt yourself is what you're trying to say.

He sees a perfect wife and that's what you want him to see. Sorry but not buying it.

You're 57 not 27, if you need to get validation from younger men, divorce your husband, walk away and talk to all the young men you want to.

It's not an addiction. BTW, you won't live forever, get used to it. Trying to find validation to make yourself feel good isn't going to make you feel younger, at the end of the day you're still 57 years old.

Be happy, you've lived a good life, kids, grandkids, a good husband and you still have a ways to go until the end. Most people would kill to have what you have right now.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

I have read all your responses..some are hurtful, even though i know most of you are trying to help..i want you all to know that even though i havent told my husband of my past indescretions, i have had my first session with a councillor..i appreciate all that everyone has had to say, and would ask that you dont stop, if you have anything helpful to say.. i knew when i joined the site that i would have to read some things that i didnt like..i didnt like the word 'councillor'..or maybe i just didnt like the idea of talking about it with someone..but ive taken the first step, which has left me a little confused, but wanting to keep going..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Admitting that you have a problem and getting help for it are very important steps. Good for you for doing that.


Something is missing in your life. What is it? The things you have done online are a way to fill up the voids that exist.

You did not answer my questions. 

What do you do for yourself? what are your passions in life?


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

my passions in life..now you will all laugh..they are my family..remember, i havent talked online for almost 6 years!! What do i do for myself? Depends what you mean..Since i met my husband, at the age of 16, it was always just him and me, we really didnt have friends, we would do everything together..then i stated having having my children at the age of 19, and had had all 4 by the age of 23..then of course, our lives revolved around our children..we didnt often go out to be honest, or if we did, we would take them all..we have had some amazing holidays along the way..ski ing, Disneyland, etc..but its always just been family..i read a huge amount, and i have my 1 year old grandson 3 days a week while my daughter works..my daughters and i meet up for coffee whenever we can..but as for friends, i cant really say i have any outside of saying 'hi' and passing the time of day


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## Honest opinion (Dec 14, 2012)

Dear OP,I see some of the posts were so judgmental than giving any advice to heal some of the wounds you have already.some might critisice this,but you are suffering now,Its as if you scard yourself, deep down you know it was wrong and shamefull,yet you wish the chance will open again to feel desired and wanted.
We all make mistakes nobody is perfect,it's great that you admit it ,seeking attention from others is great but it has to come from the right people around us.try to fill your time with things that make you happy and make others appreciate you,for example volunteer at hospital,library or school near you,bake for church to raise money,you can even drive elderly people to doctors appointments.
How about art classes etc..
Take long walks with your husband ,hike ,bike or swim and lots of vacations make up for all the time with him you missed when your kids were little.its never too late for turning anew page in your life.
black or white ,no gray color in marriage if you want to tell your husband go ahead you will feel so much better you will get the relief you don't have for years and gain your kids respect,trust me ,the damage is way more by keeping it a secret, this way you insure yourself you'll never do it again,I think he will understand,well it's been over 40 years of marriage, he love you for sure .I hope the best for you and your family ,good luck 

P.S excuse my poor grammar


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I don't know about telling him....what good could that do? Was it really an affair? Seems pretty gray. You definitely went off track a bit. I'm wondering if your only question is why you did what you did, but you stopped yourself for whatever reason, then drop it and move on. I agree with other posts....forgive yourself, admit you have flaws just like your H probably does too, and find a hobby or start servicing H more 
BTW, what relevance do your kids have here? You r a grown adult. Tell kids to mind their own business.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You need to get rid of the computer.

Just the way a drunk can not keep a bottle of whisky in the house.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> I have read all your responses..some are hurtful, even though i know most of you are trying to help..i want you all to know that even though i havent told my husband of my past indescretions, i have had my first session with a councillor..i appreciate all that everyone has had to say, and would ask that you dont stop, if you have anything helpful to say.. i knew when i joined the site that i would have to read some things that i didnt like..i didnt like the word 'councillor'..or maybe i just didnt like the idea of talking about it with someone..but ive taken the first step, which has left me a little confused, but wanting to keep going..


I suspected you might have wanted this kind of answer:


> _"Hey! No worries! It was just a bit of harmless fun! No fault, no foul, what your husband doesn't know won't hurt him." etc_.


I may never have used my counselling qualifications in real life but I do know one thing. No counsellor would counsel you to live a lie. Well, no counsellor worth their salt.

Could you *please* go back to my post and answer my questions? I think those answers will help us other TAM members work out exactly where you are at and how best to advise you to make this dreadful situation (that you created, by the way!) right.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

badmemory said:


> If/when he finds out, he may very well permanently resent them for not telling him sooner and keeping him in the dark. You'd be responsible for that.
> 
> If/when he finds out, even if 10 years form now, he can rightfully say that you let him live in a lie for every year since it happened. Imagine the added shame and anger of knowing that even his own children knew before he did.


:iagree::iagree:

I think your first step is to find a good therapist. Through your or his employer you should have access to free counseling. I think typically it is 6 sessions. Look for the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) in the benefits package. If you don't have EAP there is usually some halfway decent coverage under medical insurance but it won't be free.

Go to therapy for yourself to get your question answered about why you did this. Don't do it for your husband or your kids or your marriage, do it for you.

I do believe eventually you will have to tell your husband. But not today because you aren't ready for it.

My wife kept some major secrets from me for our entire marriage up until our 29th anniversary. I fully agree with the quote above from badmemory about how it feels. I feel like our entire marriage was built on lies. I don't know what to believe is true. It negates all of the good times we had because I don't feel those were real due to the deceptions and lies before.

At some point the secret will come out. Because other people know. Even maybe after you die and then one of your kids might feel it is ok to tell their dad. So there he is in his old age suddenly devastated. Some day some how he is likely to find out. It will be much better if you are the one to tell him.

If you get some counseling you will be in a position to tell him in a constructive and helpful way.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

What lie is she living? What's the difference between misrepresenting herself a few times on line, and say, her H not telling every woman he meets he's married at the start of every conversation? This seems like its her problem....no info on whether he's been ignoring her, or unfaithful, so we have to assume he's a great H. Maybe she went too far, but didn't she stop herself? No affairs occurred, case closed. She's not living q lie, she's dealing with a past. What if H is so offended he bolts, how is that good?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

Gseries said:


> What lie is she living? What's the difference between misrepresenting herself a few times on line, and say, her H not telling every woman he meets he's married at the start of every conversation? This seems like its her problem....no info on whether he's been ignoring her, or unfaithful, so we have to assume he's a great H. Maybe she went too far, but didn't she stop herself? No affairs occurred, case closed. She's not living q lie, she's dealing with a past. What if H is so offended he bolts, how is that good?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband is an amazing husband, he is attentive, and caring, and we laugh together. Its 6 years ago, i just wonder whyi would think about it all again now?? Oh, and i wont be telling my husband..neither will my children..I now have a councillor, having had just one session so far..but she has read all my messages and responses, and she said in time we will get there..by the way, i think you should all know im english, and living in england


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

boogaloo2 said:


> My husband is an amazing husband, he is attentive, and caring, and we laugh together. Its 6 years ago, i just wonder whyi would think about it all again now?? Oh, and i wont be telling my husband..neither will my children..I now have a councillor, having had just one session so far..but she has read all my messages and responses, and she said in time we will get there..by the way, i think you should all know im english, and living in england


You are doing the right thing. Don't hurt him for nothing. Don't judge yourself too harshly either. We are all human.


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## Ignis (Feb 16, 2013)

I will not judge you! You shouldn't dwell on your actions and behaviour but rather sink in your inner depth and ask yourself why you need such attention?

Do you get it enough from your husband? If not, why? Maybe you should talk with him about passion in your marriage and how to revive it. 

There is also a question about aging. How you cope with it. Can you accept yourself as an old person? Why not?

All the best!


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Of course u r English....do u not know that u write the same way u speak? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are very close to your golden years---and then you will really spend all your time with your H, and Family---so you need to get this figured out

6 yrs ago---what would have happened, had you had the chance to "meet up", with a potential lover---or had you actually planned a "meet up" before getting caught

Why 6 yrs later did you go agst everything mge stands for, knowing full well the promise you made to your daughter, and what it could/would do to your H.

Please don't tell us how you "love" your H----one who "loves" another, would never think to inflict the pain infidelity inflicts on a partner---so as to your "loving" your H, I ain't so sure

What is your problem---are you bored---have you nothing to do, with your time, nothing to do with your life----have you no hobbies---one can't just read all day---do you get any physical activities, no causes to work on-----there are hundreds of things to do---that don't include sitting at a computer, and trying to destroy your H, and family---why don't you try doing some of them


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

jnj express said:


> Please don't tell us how you "love" your H----one who "loves" another, would never think to inflict the pain infidelity inflicts on a partner---so as to your "loving" your H, I ain't so sure


There isn't a single marriage on earth where no-one has been hurt by someone who loves them.

Who else is capable of hurting you?


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Yeah you need to watch Catfish (the movie) and also Catfish the Tv Show. It's not as rare as you think!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

Ignis said:


> I will not judge you! You shouldn't dwell on your actions and behaviour but rather sink in your inner depth and ask yourself why you need such attention?
> 
> Do you get it enough from your husband? If not, why? Maybe you should talk with him about passion in your marriage and how to revive it.
> 
> ...


i dont see myself as old, but older..having our children when we were both young meant that we grew with them..we are very close to all our children..now we are doing the same things all over again with our grandchildren..as for not getting enough attention from my husband, i do!


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> You are doing the right thing. Don't hurt him for nothing. Don't judge yourself too harshly either. We are all human.


Thankyou johnny


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Gseries said:


> What lie is she living? What's the difference between misrepresenting herself a few times on line, and say, her H not telling every woman he meets he's married at the start of every conversation? This seems like its her problem....no info on whether he's been ignoring her, or unfaithful, so we have to assume he's a great H. Maybe she went too far, but didn't she stop herself? * No affairs occurred, case closed. * She's not living q lie, she's dealing with a past. What if H is so offended he bolts, how is that good?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No affairs occurred? Really? Huh. Then I guess the only affairs are the ones when people have sex with each other. FTR, that's bull. She admitted herself that there was sexual talk with these men. I'm sorry... talking sexually to random men on the internet is cheating. Same if a man were to talk like that with a random woman. 

And it's a bit irritating that the focus is being placed on her misrepresentation of her self (saying/appearing she was much younger), rather than the fact that she betrayed her husband. Had this been a woman in her 20s or 30s, everyone would be all over her, saying she was cheating and her husband deserved to know, etc...But since OP is an "older" woman, that school of thought goes out the window? Really? Awesome seeing the hypocrisy here.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> No affairs occurred? Really? Huh. Then I guess the only affairs are the ones when people have sex with each other. FTR, that's bull. She admitted herself that there was sexual talk with these men. I'm sorry... talking sexually to random men on the internet is cheating. Same if a man were to talk like that with a random woman.
> 
> And it's a bit irritating that the focus is being placed on her misrepresentation of her self (saying/appearing she was much younger), rather than the fact that she betrayed her husband. Had this been a woman in her 20s or 30s, everyone would be all over her, saying she was cheating and her husband deserved to know, etc...But since OP is an "older" woman, that school of thought goes out the window? Really? Awesome seeing the hypocrisy here.


First off, i didnt come here to be abused..i came for help..and i thank the few ppl from whom ive had positive feedback, which encouraged me to seek councilling..btw, the sexual chat was there, but for the most most part it was general chat..i really am not the scarlet woman that a lot of you try to imply


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> First off, i didnt come here to be abused..i came for help..and i thank the few ppl from whom ive had positive feedback, which encouraged me to seek councilling..btw, the sexual chat was there, but for the most most part it was general chat..i really am not the scarlet woman that a lot of you try to imply


My post wasn't abusive. Far from it. I agree that you need to get counseling. Absolutely. But my opinion is that your husband should know about it as well. You have chosen to keep it hidden. You life, your choice, of course. My comment was directed at those who have said it's not an affair (even EA), but would jump on someone else, given the same circumstances, same types of conversation, and tell the poster that he or she was cheating. The difference? Maybe I'm wrong, but the only difference I see in the scenarios I described is age. 

I am not trying to paint you as a scarlet woman. I know how easy it is to get caught up in such conversations... though I never pretended to be a younger woman nor an older woman. And the biggest thing that has kept me honest, now? Telling my husband.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

I cant..however may times im told i should, i cant..as i said, i have a councillor now, and with her help i WILL work through this


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> I cant..however may times im told i should, i cant..as i said, i have a councillor now, and with her help i WILL work through this


Ok, I'm glad you have a counselor now. But I do wonder... how will you respond if your COUNSELOR tells you that you should reveal this to your husband? You keep saying "can't" and "won't" to us...will you say the same to the counselor?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Be careful to understand what the real goal of the counselor is.

Many counselors view their only job as making you feel good. They give you encouragement to do what makes you feel better and to avoid conflict.

Many counselors are enablers of selfish and betraying behaviors. One even condone affairs so long as their patient is happy and fulfilled.

So lets see here. The easiest way to avoid conflict is to rug sweep and never reveal yo your husband that you did in fact Betty his trust, and that you did choose to have sexual chats with these men in which you did put in effort to excite them sexually. Maybe no touching was done, but major betrayal of your husband did. 

So beware of you counsellor giving you encouragement to rugsweep. I mean what he doesn't know....

Then there s the idea that you just deserve to be happy. So building on the what he doesn't know logic that enabled the rugs weeping, why not do it again? If it makes you happy , isn't it better for him too then? A little harmless chat and he gets a happy wife.

See how this starts getting worse do easily?

My advice is to examine and understand what the goal of you and the councillor is. And make sure you have the same goals.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

is telling my husband going to get to the root of my problem? bare in mind, it was 6 years ago..im moving on, i feel disgusted by what i did


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

boogaloo2 said:


> is telling my husband going to get to the root of my problem? bare in mind, it was 6 years ago..im moving on, i feel disgusted by what i did


It might not, but the new urges to do it again are helped by the thought that you got away with it last time, so easily.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hmmm,

this is a husbands nightmare. If he finds out he will be crushed unless you go to him and explain what happened. Tell him you would like to explore some new stuff......rollplaying,toys or whatever you would like to try.

ask him what he would like to add to your sex life. be open I think if my wife came to me and said listen I have done this in the past and feel horrable about because I want to have the best sex with you not by decieving strangers on the net.

this could open a whole new aspect to your golden years and truley make them golden.

but if he finds out own his own or by mastake then the damage will be hard to over come.


dose your husband try to be a good lover is he open to what you like?

if thats the case then he will jump at the chance to enhanve you love making. but if hes a prude and not really interested then you might be SOL


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

boogaloo2 said:


> is telling my husband going to get to the root of my problem? bare in mind, it was 6 years ago..im moving on, i feel disgusted by what i did


I think you should accept your sexualiy. and share it with your husband.

you might find out hes on board with spicing things up.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> I think you should accept your sexualiy. and share it with your husband.
> 
> you might find out hes on board with spicing things up.


accept my sexuality?? i know who i am sexually..my husband and i have a good sex life


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> accept my sexuality?? i know who i am sexually..my husband and i have a good sex life


I think he means that it sounds like YOU might be into role playing. And if that's the case, talking to your husband about this MAY open the door to role playing.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> I think he means that it sounds like YOU might be into role playing. And if that's the case, talking to your husband about this MAY open the door to role playing.


lol, im really not into role playing


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

boogaloo2 said:


> lol, im really not into role playing


If you are searching for something, which it looks like you might be, it might be a good idea to spice things up a bit. What have you got to lose?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> lol, im really not into role playing


Hmmmm....
Please don't take offense at this but.... maybe you ARE, and that's what disgusts you. You were, essentially, role playing with the guy(s) 6 years ago... and you contemplated it NOW, or you wouldn't have even come here, seeking help/advice. Role playing is ok... with your spouse. 

I can honestly say it's not my cup of tea: pretending to be a totally different person. Who knows? You enjoyed the thrill back then, right? You might enjoy it with your husband, now.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

> lol, im really not into role playing


So who were you being when you chatted with these men?

Certainly not a loving wife and mother. That was one of your true roles. Sexually chatting and flirting with men on the internet is a role of sorts.

You may not be doing it now, although you did say you did it recently, but you have not got real help for it.

Negative characters grow well in the dark. Expose them to light and they die.

If you can't tell your husband what you did...then how honest is your marriage?
How honest are you?
And how much do you really love your husband than to live a lie with him?


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

I didnt say that i 'did it' recently, i havent 'done it' as you call it for almost 5 years..but i recognise that i when i did do it, it was wrong, i am mortified at what i did..i KNOW that i wont do it again..now i know that you are probably sitting there laughing right now at what i just said..i have everything i need and want with my family..my life is good..but it did happen, and now im being councilled..but im also being totally slaughtered in here..ive read other posts in here where the 'crime' has been so much worse, and the perpetrator is being told not to tell the spouse as it was so long ago, and it would do no good to ruin things now..what makes me so different??


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Slaughtered? It's just honesty. And opinions. 
For M75, yes I think it was wrong but not adultry. I'm a bit biased by the legal definition in the UCMJ which require evidence of PIV. So I think in terms of morally opposed vs straight up adultry.
And I agree with everyone else...u wouldn't have gone to internet chat if u weren't lacking something. I think all H's here are just suggesting u focus desire on them and not some fictitious relationship. In other words just ask u might be surprised. Just a thought have u chatted seductively with him online?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> No affairs occurred? Really? Huh. Then I guess the only affairs are the ones when people have sex with each other. FTR, that's bull. She admitted herself that there was sexual talk with these men. I'm sorry... talking sexually to random men on the internet is cheating. Same if a man were to talk like that with a random woman.
> 
> And it's a bit irritating that the focus is being placed on her misrepresentation of her self (saying/appearing she was much younger), rather than the fact that she betrayed her husband. Had this been a woman in her 20s or 30s, everyone would be all over her, saying she was cheating and her husband deserved to know, etc...But since OP is an "older" woman, that school of thought goes out the window? Really? Awesome seeing the hypocrisy here.





boogaloo2 said:


> First off, i didnt come here to be abused..i came for help..and i thank the few ppl from whom ive had positive feedback, which encouraged me to seek councilling..btw, the sexual chat was there, but for the most most part it was general chat..i really am not the scarlet woman that a lot of you try to imply


Boogaloo2, the first issue you have to get past is that when someone doesn't condone or agree with your actions...it's not "abuse". There's NOTHING in Maricha75's post that is abusive.

Let's be honest. PLEASE. This is an anonymous forum. Lieing is pointless. You want people to agree with your decision to not tell your husband, and to applaud your efforts of getting counseling. There's a small hint of you fishing for compliments here even. And no, I'm not abusing you. I'm not calling you names. I'm just stating observations.

So if your husband went to a massage parlor for the last 6 years and got a happy ending, is it okay if he kept is secret? What about visiting the same stripper and getting lap dances for the last 6 years. What you don't know won't hurt you right? He's a loving husband at home. Here's the problem with the "why tell him, it'll only hurt him." mentality, where is the line drawn? If you give him everything he wants in a wife, including all the sex he could desire, but you still have time to go sleep with other men, as long as it's safe sex, shouldn't that be okay based on that mentality? Seriously, answer that.

The problem with secrets is the simple fact that you're approving the use of secrets in a marriage. This isn't specifically about your sex chatting online, this is a general philosophy. It becomes full of grey areas. Is it okay if your husband did whatever he wanted to as long as you don't know?...You obviously aren't affected per your "he's a great husband" conversation, so the answer should be yes.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

with who? i havent chatted with anyone for almost 5 years, and yes i admit i did, but like i said in an earlier post, for the most part it was general chit chat


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> *I didnt say that i 'did it' recently, i havent 'done it' as you call it for almost 5 years.*.but i recognise that i when i did do it, it was wrong, i am mortified at what i did..i KNOW that i wont do it again..now i know that you are probably sitting there laughing right now at what i just said..i have everything i need and want with my family..my life is good..but it did happen, and now im being councilled..but im also being totally slaughtered in here..ive read other posts in here where the 'crime' has been so much worse, and the perpetrator is being told not to tell the spouse as it was so long ago, and it would do no good to ruin things now..what makes me so different??


Quoted from your first post:



> A month ago, i downloaded pictures again,


Maybe not chatting, however isn't this still ill behavior with downloading pictures?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Gseries said:


> Slaughtered? It's just honesty. And opinions.
> For M75, yes I think it was wrong but not adultry. I'm a bit biased by the legal definition in the UCMJ which require evidence of PIV. So I think in terms of morally opposed vs straight up adultry.
> And I agree with everyone else...u wouldn't have gone to internet chat if u weren't lacking something. I think all H's here are just suggesting u focus desire on them and not some fictitious relationship. In other words just ask u might be surprised. Just a thought have u chatted seductively with him online?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So if I find women that I can go off with and I get off on using toys on them, do some bondage play etc. As long as my P doesnt go I another woman's V, it's not cheating....

WOOHOO, can't wait to tell my wife. And shoot, when my ex had another guy in her bumhole, I shouldn't have felt betrayed...Shoot, I think I made a big mistake divorcing her.

Sorry but infidelity is "The action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner."

Faithful:
steadfast in affection or allegiance
given with strong assurance
firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty

So no, infidelity isn't about PIV and it's not just an action, it's a state (as in thought process). It's about a spouse not being steadfast in affection or allegiance, not being firm in adherence to the promises of the marriage. So yes, Boogaloo2 was unfaithful.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Quoted from your first post:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe not chatting, however isn't this still ill behavior with downloading pictures?


and deleted them..i did nothing with them


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

So am i to think that all of you judgmental ppl are here to inflict a little more pain on us 'baddies', and have no problems of your own?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> and deleted them..i did nothing with them


But, the intent was there. How much time passed between the download and your daughter finding them/arguing with you about it? You deleted them because you had an argument with her over it. Had she not found them, not argued with you about it, how long do you think it would have been before you started chatting/role playing with young men again?


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

just a little thing here..im english, i dont understand your abbreviations..


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> So am i to think that all of you judgmental ppl are here to inflict a little more pain on us 'baddies', and have no problems of your own?


Not at all. Some of us who are responding have BEEN in very similar situations. The only real difference between my first "chat" as you refer to them and yours is that I never used pictures of other women and pretended to be them. I never touched another man. And yes, it happened a second time. The second progressed more. It was still emotional infidelity. I still betrayed my husband.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> So am i to think that all of you judgmental ppl are here to inflict a little more pain on us 'baddies', and have no problems of your own?


You have the wrong idea. There is no judgment here, only stating what you have told us.
Rubbing you on the back and telling you what you did was ok is not going to help you..it only makes you feel better about doing what you did, and you shouldn't feel good about that...
Everyone is helping you, believe it or not..some more harsh than others. Hiding this is not going to help..it will be much worse should your husband find out on his own.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> just a little thing here..im english, i dont understand your abbreviations..


What abbreviations?

EA = emotional affair
PA = physical affair
WS = wayward spouse
BS = betrayed spouse

English isn't an excuse to not understand the abbreviations. There are quite a few people on here who are British and they use the abbreviations as well. You are just unfamiliar with the abbreviations because you have never used/seen them before now.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> But, the intent was there. How much time passed between the download and your daughter finding them/arguing with you about it? You deleted them because you had an argument with her over it. Had she not found them, not argued with you about it, how long do you think it would have been before you started chatting/role playing with young men again?


The pics had not been there long..but even after i had downloaded them, i didnt think any further that that..if i was going to use them, do you not think i would have done it already?? I know in my heart that i wouldnt, and i will never do it again..my husband means too much too me..(something else none of you believe)


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> What abbreviations?
> 
> EA = emotional affair
> PA = physical affair
> ...


Thankk you, and yes, ive never used or seen the abbreviatiions before..


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> The pics had not been there long..but even after i had downloaded them, i didnt think any further that that..if i was going to use them, do you not think i would have done it already?? I know in my heart that i wouldnt, and i will never do it again..my husband means too much too me..(something else none of you believe)


How do you figure none of us believe you? My husband means the world to me. But there was something wrong with ME and I did it a second time. Only chatting, started out platonic, NO sex talk at all at first. And what has kept me honest after that second one? I came clean to my husband.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> Thankk you, and yes, ive never used or seen the abbreviatiions before..


If unsure of an abbreviation... just ask. There were some I wasn't familiar with at first.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> You have the wrong idea. There is no judgment here, only stating what you have told us.
> Rubbing you on the back and telling you what you did was ok is not going to help you..it only makes you feel better about doing what you did, and you shouldn't feel good about that...
> Everyone is helping you, believe it or not..some more harsh than others. Hiding this is not going to help..it will be much worse should your husband find out on his own.


Believe me, im not asking for you to tell me it wasnt wrong..of coursse it was wrong, and of course i dont feel good about it, but as for the hiding it, my children will never divulge any of it to my husband..he will never find out, and never be hurt..my aim is to discover why i did it..


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> How do you figure none of us believe you? My husband means the world to me. But there was something wrong with ME and I did it a second time. Only chatting, started out platonic, NO sex talk at all at first. And what has kept me honest after that second one? I came clean to my husband.


Maricha, i appreciate what youre saying, but you and youre husband have been together for 12 to 16 years..we have been married for 40 this year, and i think it would be harder to tell my husband, and much harder for him to take


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

thanks for the EA clarification. I couldn't figure that one out.
Don't u think the line for cheating is defined within the relationship? I was merely pointing out that dictionaries and law books are meaningless if one persons actions are offending the spouse.
Is viewing pictures online cheating? I thought it was the next step on making contact or getting emotionally involved that crossed the line. And isn't it true that in some relationships even that is accepted?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> Maricha, i appreciate what youre saying, but you and youre husband have been together for 12 to 16 years..we have been married for 40 this year, and i think it would be harder to tell my husband, and much harder for him to take


Ok..... Soooo..... the fact that I have "only" been married 13 years makes my experience and observations (virtually) invalid? Wow... that's a new one for me on here! :scratchhead:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

boogaloo2 said:


> Believe me, im not asking for you to tell me it wasnt wrong..of coursse it was wrong, and of course i dont feel good about it, but as for the hiding it, my children will never divulge any of it to my husband..he will never find out, and never be hurt..my aim is to discover why i did it..


never say never!

I see the karma bus a comming.


what are you looking for here?

it certinaly isn't sound marriage advice ...your looking fo us to say ....its ok if you really love him and quit then all will be alright in the world.


sorry you have some soul searching to do.

I would bet he might already know. us guys arnd't as stupid as some might think.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> 57 years old, a happily married mother of 4 grown children, and i have 11 beautiful grandchildren.. I stress "happily married" as i truly am, but 6 years ago i started chatting online with young men, i downloaded pictures of a beautiful young woman who they believed was me..i felt younger and enjoyed chatting..i did that for almost 2 years.. i was caught out by my daughter, and after her telling the rest of my children, they didnt talk to me for a while, i thought about what i had done, and how it could have ruined my happy marriage and my happy life, i stopped.. A month ago, i downloaded pictures again, and my daughter found them before i had a chance to do anything with them, thankfully, we argued, i deleted the pictures and thought no more of it.. Im here to ask if anyone else has been through this? My husband doesnt know about any of it..i would never tell him as he would be devastated..i couldnt hurt him, i love him so much..So what made me do it??


Do you have any other affair story in your past, either of you ? 

Was it a smooth ride, in between you, all those 40+ years ?

How was sex with your husband, all along especially during your affairs ?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> So am i to think that all of you judgmental ppl are here to inflict a little more pain on us 'baddies', and have no problems of your own?


Wow! You come onto a public forum looking for opinions of others and don't like it when you get opinions that differ from your own. You're taking people's perceptions about ONE VERY SMALL component and situation in your life as if we think that quantifies you as a person. It doesn't. Do I think you're a bad person. No. Do I agree with your decision to hide this from your husband because you commited a form of infidelity AND have your children actively hiding it from THEIR FATHER?!?! No. You're saying to your kids protecting their mother is more important than protecting their father. Worse than that. Protecting your mother's BAD behavior is more important that protecting their father's GOOD behavior. Sorry, on THAT ONE issue, I will call foul. I don't agree and will never agree. This isn't just a wrong you've committed on your husband, it's also on your kids. 

PS Blameshifting is another sign of infidelity....just saying.



boogaloo2 said:


> Maricha, i appreciate what youre saying, but you and youre husband have been together for 12 to 16 years..we have been married for 40 this year, and i think it would be harder to tell my husband, and much harder for him to take


Oh, I didn't realize the impact of betrayal was like a fine wine. Sorry, if my wife of 6 years did what you did, it'd impact me just as much as this will impact your husband.

It's good to see that you want to figure out why you did this. But until you TRULY own your mistake, it will never be "real". Real mistakes have consequences, yours doesn't. Sure you carry guilt, your daughter carries guilt too (hiding something like this from her father). You wronged your husband, plain and simple. Owning it would be admitting the mistake and accepting the consequences. 

Maybe the reason you did this can't actually be solved unless you AND your husband figure out what to do because some of it stems from something your husband is or isn't doing.

PS I don't lie to my wife, not even little white lies. I'd rather tell her everything and deal with it than try and pick and choose my disclosures through life. It's a lot more relaxing this way.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Wow! You come onto a public forum looking for opinions of others and don't like it when you get opinions that differ from your own.


Save your breath D&H. She sounds like she only wants to hear from people who will sympathize with her and tell her it's okay to keep this a secret. 

I'm sorry, but the cat was out of the bag the moment her children found out. She should just bite the bullet and tell her husband everything ... it'll get around to him eventually anyway. She's really only fooling herself.

And for god's sake boogalo2, try respecting your husband(full-time), get a real hobby, and stop with this internet flirting crap. Sheesh.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

C'Mon this is a bit harsh, isn't it? Reference grown children.....not only is it none of their business, but they can and should make their own decisions right? Betrayal? Really? If she was banging somebody or living a secret life maybe. But did she ever lie? I think there are a lot of secrets if you look hard enough at a marriage. It's like saying "good night dear please tell me everything you did wrong today"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## peon (Oct 29, 2010)

It's pretty easy isn't it? If it was your husband doing the same thing how would you feel? Ofcourse you would want to know. And so would he.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Gseries said:


> C'Mon this is a bit harsh, isn't it? Reference grown children.....not only is it none of their business, but they can and should make their own decisions right? Betrayal? Really? If she was banging somebody or living a secret life maybe. But did she ever lie? I think there are a lot of secrets if you look hard enough at a marriage. It's like saying "good night dear please tell me everything you did wrong today"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did I become harsh. Yeah. That's my mistake and I apologize for it. Do I think I have a reason for becoming harsh, yes. It's one thing to say, "I do not believe in telling my husband". Fine so be it. It's the blameshifting and the sarcastic responses and the woe is me, your 12-13 year marriage can't even compare and you have no ability to understand what it means to be married for 40 years BS that set me off.

That said. My personal opinion (and it's just that) is that you're a parent for the rest of your life. You will always set examples for your children, even when they're adults. The daughter isn't going to want to say anything to her father because the mother is asking her not to. That's a VERY uncomfortable position to put your child. And it is the child's business. This behavior could lead to other behaviors that put the marriage in jeopardy. What the OP was doing is a slippery slope. It's not hard to develop emotional connection with someone you're chatting with, especially when you get sexual with them.

Gseries, you're opinion of betrayal is obviously different from mine, and I fully respect yours. We can agree to disagree. For me personally, I'd feel betrayed if my wife was sex chatting with some other men. Also the issue of lieing...my wife and I have a full disclosure policy, even if it's a complaint that most people would believe shouldn't be aired. For example, I enjoy cooking for my wife because she has a lot of food sensitivities and I'm creative enough to come up with things like "Gluten, corn and dairy free bread pudding" (yeah that took effort LOL). But when I ask my wife how she likes it, her first response was "It's pretty good, surprisingly good but a little too sweet". Her mom was there and couldn't believe her daughter "just complained about such a special treat." I had to explain that, while most people wouldn't want to hear that, it helps me improve and give something to my wife even better next time. I appreciate her full honesty". Now both my wife and I have enough respect for each other to do it in an appropriate way, but we're honest. For instance, one question my wife will NEVER ask me is "Do I look fat in this". Because she knows I'll say yes if she does. So what she asks is "How do I look in this?" I find my wife EXTREMELY sexy in almost everything, so she gets the answer she wants, by asking the right question.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Gseries said:


> C'Mon this is a bit harsh, isn't it? Reference grown children.....not only is it none of their business, but they can and should make their own decisions right? Betrayal? Really? If she was banging somebody or living a secret life maybe. But did she ever lie? I think there are a lot of secrets if you look hard enough at a marriage. It's like saying "good night dear please tell me everything you did wrong today"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Harsh? What's harsh is the situation she is putting her own daughter in ...* having to choose which parent to betray*. That is harsh.

She began by disrespecting her husband with her actions and now she's involved her daughter(s) in her deceit. She needs to come back to reality and take accountability for this hot mess she's created for herself. And yes she is being deceitful ... BY OMISSION. A form of "trickle truth" as they call it. The husband is going to find out and it will likely be worse b/c she kept him in the dark. Like someone said, this is a slippery slope ...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Boogaloo,

I'm not surprised by the posts in here, and I really don't think you've been "slaughtered". You've asked for advice, and you're getting it. It's not sugar-coated and what you maybe want to hear, but it's people's opinions. People who have no stake in your personal situation.

As I said in your other thread... I think the reason why you're avoiding telling your husband isn't to keep from hurting him. If you wanted to keep from hurting him, you wouldn't have done it in the first place. You're avoiding telling him because you don't want to see how hurt he is. You want to keep looking like the "good wife" to all your family and friends. You don't want to jeopordize your social and marital status. The sooner you recognize that you're doing it for selfish reasons, the better off you are.

Second, you said in your other thread that all your conversations were "just chatting". So why would your husband be hurt if you were "just chatting". But then you finally admitted that some of the conversations were sexual. 

Third... You say that you'll never do this again. But isn't that what you would have said the last time you got caught? If you would have confessed to him then, most likely there wouldn't have been this "next time". You would have known the ramifications of doing it again. You would have remembered how hurt he was by your actions. You would have remembered the shame. And you most likely would have chosen another course of action for your attention seeking.

Keep in mind that if your daughter posts in a place like this, she will likely be advised to do something like tell you "You have 2 days to come clean with Dad, or we'll tell him". After all... You probably told them years ago that you'd never do it again, and yet here you are...

BTW, it's great that you're getting counselling. But as you've shown in here, you're reluctant to tell the truth even in an anonymous setting. Have you been entirely truthful with your consellor?

C


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Ok ok, I was trying to offer boogaloo some balance, but d&h convinced me. To lead a fulfilling life and happy marriage, she probably ought to find a careful way to come clean. I didn't read the other threads so I don't know what the online chatting was. And I don't understand why a mother would confess this to a daughter, but maybe that's a m/d bond thing. I'm a big fan of keeping kids out of marriage issues. Some info is relevant, but this didn't seem necessary!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

SweetAndSour said:


> Do you have any other affair story in your past, either of you ?
> 
> Was it a smooth ride, in between you, all those 40+ years ?
> 
> How was sex with your husband, all along especially during your affairs ?


my husband has never cheated, and i have never 'cheated', as in being with another man..i have never wanted that..we have had our ups and downs, as has everybody in here, otherwise the forums would be empty, but we have overcome them..most of them have been about money etc, and sex has always been good with my husband, thank you!!


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Wow! You come onto a public forum looking for opinions of others and don't like it when you get opinions that differ from your own. You're taking people's perceptions about ONE VERY SMALL component and situation in your life as if we think that quantifies you as a person. It doesn't. Do I think you're a bad person. No. Do I agree with your decision to hide this from your husband because you commited a form of infidelity AND have your children actively hiding it from THEIR FATHER?!?! No. You're saying to your kids protecting their mother is more important than protecting their father. Worse than that. Protecting your mother's BAD behavior is more important that protecting their father's GOOD behavior. Sorry, on THAT ONE issue, I will call foul. I don't agree and will never agree. This isn't just a wrong you've committed on your husband, it's also on your kids.
> I need to clarify something here..it was my childrens idea not to tell thier father..
> PS Blameshifting is another sign of infidelity....just saying.
> 
> ...


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

ironman said:


> Save your breath D&H. She sounds like she only wants to hear from people who will sympathize with her and tell her it's okay to keep this a secret.
> 
> I'm sorry, but the cat was out of the bag the moment her children found out. She should just bite the bullet and tell her husband everything ... it'll get around to him eventually anyway. She's really only fooling herself.
> 
> And for god's sake boogalo2, try respecting your husband(full-time), get a real hobby, and stop with this internet flirting crap. Sheesh.


it stopped almost 5 years ago


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

PBear said:


> Boogaloo,
> 
> I'm not surprised by the posts in here, and I really don't think you've been "slaughtered". You've asked for advice, and you're getting it. It's not sugar-coated and what you maybe want to hear, but it's people's opinions. People who have no stake in your personal situation.
> 
> ...


and by the way, yes, im being truthful with my councillor..ive shown her my responses from here, and she will work with them at our meetings


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

boogaloo2 said:


> it stopped almost 5 years ago


Congratulations. So you got away with it like a hit 'n run driver. I still think keeping your daughter in this awkward position of having to betray the trust of her own father is just terrible.

You should confess not only for the sake of your own conscience, but even more-so for that of your daughters. 

The lies are more damaging than the actual act. Coming clean may give you an opportunity to redeem yourself ... getting caught might end up worse for everyone involved. I think your husband will probably forgive you, but there are no guarantees. Just be mentally prepared for the worst if he decides to leave.

Also, you need to realize if you let this go un-checked, you may end of destroying the relationship between your daughter and husband. Are you prepared to live with that?

Just my humble opinion.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> I need to clarify something here..it was my childrens idea not to tell thier father..


And, you were only too happy to agree with that choice. Why would that be? Because it protects YOU.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> it stopped almost 5 years ago


The timeline is irrelevant to what is being said here. It happened, that's all that matters.

I'm going to try and reset my demeanor in this thread in an effort to try and help because I know my posts aren't helping you in any way.

Boogaloo2, you have a choice. You can attempt to take your marriage to a new level. Total honesty. This isn't "for your husband", it's for you. There's a love you feel for someone when you feel like you can be totally open and honest with them, that you don't allow yourself to feel when you hold back. 

When you allow yourself to restrict things in your marriage, it restricts those feelings of love as well. It's a subconscious response.

Based on what your saying, I don't think your husband is going to "fly off the handle" but he will be bothered. You need to take ownership and show him all the ways your fixing yourself. In time, your relationship could be stronger than it ever has been because, although he may not be holding back, you are and have been for 5 years.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Did I become harsh. Yeah. That's my mistake and I apologize for it. Do I think I have a reason for becoming harsh, yes. It's one thing to say, "I do not believe in telling my husband". Fine so be it. It's the blameshifting and the sarcastic responses and the woe is me, your 12-13 year marriage can't even compare and you have no ability to understand what it means to be married for 40 years BS that set me off.
> 
> That said. My personal opinion (and it's just that) is that you're a parent for the rest of your life. You will always set examples for your children, even when they're adults. The daughter isn't going to want to say anything to her father because the mother is asking her not to. That's a VERY uncomfortable position to put your child. And it is the child's business. This behavior could lead to other behaviors that put the marriage in jeopardy. What the OP was doing is a slippery slope. It's not hard to develop emotional connection with someone you're chatting with, especially when you get sexual with them.
> 
> Gseries, you're opinion of betrayal is obviously different from mine, and I fully respect yours. We can agree to disagree. For me personally, I'd feel betrayed if my wife was sex chatting with some other men. Also the issue of lieing...my wife and I have a full disclosure policy, even if it's a complaint that most people would believe shouldn't be aired. For example, I enjoy cooking for my wife because she has a lot of food sensitivities and I'm creative enough to come up with things like "Gluten, corn and dairy free bread pudding" (yeah that took effort LOL). But when I ask my wife how she likes it, her first response was "It's pretty good, surprisingly good but a little too sweet". Her mom was there and couldn't believe her daughter "just complained about such a special treat." I had to explain that, while most people wouldn't want to hear that, it helps me improve and give something to my wife even better next time. I appreciate her full honesty". Now both my wife and I have enough respect for each other to do it in an appropriate way, but we're honest. For instance, one question my wife will NEVER ask me is "Do I look fat in this". Because she knows I'll say yes if she does. So what she asks is "How do I look in this?" I find my wife EXTREMELY sexy in almost everything, so she gets the answer she wants, by asking the right question.


im only picking one little thing here to respond to..my daughter 'told me' that she didnt ever want her father to find out, that went for my other children too..i never asked them to keep the secret


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> im only picking one little thing here to respond to..my daughter 'told me' that she didnt ever want her father to find out, that went for my other children too..i never asked them to keep the secret


I'm not saying this as a scenario of right and wrong. How people live and want to live is on them, but I want you to see something. Your daughter's view on marriage, ie what you've taught her, is to keep a secret to protect your spouse. Is that right or wrong, depends on the person, it is what it is.

So you have a decision to make. What's the lesson you want to teach your daughter. Sparing Pain > Honesty or Honesty > Sparing Pain

Good luck either way. I apologize for coming across (well.. just being LOL) too harsh before.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Sparing Pain > Honesty or Honesty > Sparing Pain


In this case sparing pain is the morally correct choice. Would more people be hurt than helped by her telling him? Yes, therefore it is morally wrong to tell him.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> In this case sparing pain is the morally correct choice. Would more people be hurt than helped by her telling him? Yes, therefore it is morally wrong to tell him.


Using that logic would mean that all betrayed spouses should be kept in the dark - to avoid being "hurt". Don't think so.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Even though I previously gave in to the logic that she should tell him, it wasnt because of a 'betrayal', I think that word sheould be reserved for something more tangible. Isn't the online thing more like a character flaw..again I point out she wasn't emotionally involved with anyone nor was she banging anybody..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Gseries said:


> Even though I previously gave in to the logic that she should tell him, it wasnt because of a 'betrayal', I think that word sheould be reserved for something more tangible. Isn't the online thing more like a character flaw..again I point out she wasn't emotionally involved with anyone nor was she banging anybody..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ahh, so, as long as she's not having sex with them, it's perfectly ok to talk sexually with them? Ummm. No. Sorry. Don't think so.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

badmemory said:


> Using that logic would mean that all betrayed spouses should be kept in the dark - to avoid being "hurt". Don't think so.


Not at all. 

We all know that the negative consequences of an ongoing affair are enormous, therefore being honest is morally correct. This isn't an ongoing affair, or even an affair at all. There is no emotional attachment and there is no real sexual contact. It is not right, of course, but it isn't having a negative effect that would outweigh the consequences of telling him, unlike a full blown affair. 

She owes it to him to live with her guilt rather than offload and hurt everybody.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> Not at all.
> 
> We all know that the negative consequences of an ongoing affair are enormous, therefore being honest is morally correct. This isn't an ongoing affair, or even an affair at all. There is no emotional attachment and there is no real sexual contact. It is not right, of course, but it isn't having a negative effect that would outweigh the consequences of telling him, unlike a full blown affair.
> 
> She owes it to him to live with her guilt rather than offload and hurt everybody.


Thanks johnny..i know it wasnt right..and as i keep saying, it was a long time ago..i am living with guilt, of course i am..but i cant hurt my family by bringing it all out into the open


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Not at all.
> 
> We all know that the negative consequences of an ongoing affair are enormous, therefore being honest is morally correct. This isn't an ongoing affair, or even an affair at all. There is no emotional attachment and there is no real sexual contact. It is not right, of course, but it isn't having a negative effect that would outweigh the consequences of telling him, unlike a full blown affair.
> 
> She owes it to him to live with her guilt rather than offload and hurt everybody.


Wow..glad to know that honesty and openness is still honored in marriage

So being dishonest to your spouse is ok as long as you don't get caught it seems.
What happened to honoring vows.
If I am correct..boogaloo2..you have your husband's last name. Which indicates that you two are suppose to be one. What affects him affects you and vice versa. This guilt you claim to want to live with will affect him. He will never ever be able to get close to you because you are hiding and guarding this secret from him. It's a wall and will be there for the rest of your marriage.
You just think it's your guilt..wrong..it's his guilt too...just unbeknownst. Good luck because down the road you are going to need it.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Wow..glad to know that honesty and openness is still honored in marriage
> 
> So being dishonest to your spouse is ok as long as you don't get caught it seems.
> What happened to honoring vows.
> ...


Oh for goodness sakes, i feel the guilt, i dont wear it like a badge for everyone to see..We are very close, and dont you think if he thought i was hiding something, he would ask me about it?? Every other problem either of us have had throughout our marriage, we have talked about, its my guilt, its not his


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> Oh for goodness sakes, i feel the guilt, i dont wear it like a badge for everyone to see..We are very close, and dont you think if he thought i was hiding something, he would ask me about it?? Every other problem either of us have had throughout our marriage, we have talked about, its my guilt, its not his


If you believe that..then you are farther lost than you realize. I am not just speaking this because you think I'm judging you..I am speaking what I know..and it is his guilt, because you and him are suppose to be one..suppose to be. You are in a marriage together..so no you don't wear it like a badge..but it's there. like I said..Good luck


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

yes, we are one..and i wont hurt the part of me that is him


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

SoulStorm said:


> Wow..glad to know that honesty and openness is still honored in marriage
> 
> So being dishonest to your spouse is ok as long as you don't get caught it seems.
> What happened to honoring vows.
> ...


Young children don't understand that sometimes to withold the truth is better for everybody. As adults we have to be more responsible.

I am glad your IC is being mature and sensible about this Boogaloo. Perspective is important.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Ahh, so, as long as she's not having sex with them, it's perfectly ok to talk sexually with them? Ummm. No. Sorry. Don't think so.


The fact that she is not having sex with them is a mitigating factor. And there is a difference between sexual talk and outright phone sex for purpose of gratification. Please tell me you don't think workplaces are completely devoid of innuendo. I'm not saying its right, I'm saying opposite sexes are predispositioned to flirt and its our own moral standards that set the limit. I also think our divorce rate is way too high, and daily confessions of indiscretions is too far in the direction of sharing too much. Do women not have masturbation fantasies involving other men? Should they confess to their husbands that too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbonham77 (Feb 21, 2013)

boogaloo2 said:


> my husband has never cheated, and *i have never 'cheated'*, as in being with another man..i have never wanted that..we have had our ups and downs, as has everybody in here, otherwise the forums would be empty, but we have overcome them..most of them have been about money etc, and sex has always been good with my husband, thank you!!


oh really...?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

gbonham77 said:


> oh really...?


I'm with her on this one. If my wife did this I would want to know why, but I wouldn't consider it infidelity.


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## gbonham77 (Feb 21, 2013)

i thought so


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

gbonham77 said:


> oh really...?


yes>>really!!!!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Not at all.
> 
> We all know that the negative consequences of an ongoing affair are enormous, therefore being honest is morally correct. This isn't an ongoing affair, or even an affair at all. There is no emotional attachment and there is no real sexual contact. It is not right, of course, but it isn't having a negative effect that would outweigh the consequences of telling him, unlike a full blown affair.
> 
> She owes it to him to live with her guilt rather than offload and hurt everybody.


If a spouse's transgression causes tremendous hurt and damages the marriage if discovered, then there is a reason that it does. It's because to the effected spouse, it would be seen as a betrayal. If the offending spouse thinks it's not, then why the concern with telling him the truth? 

The significance of the betrayal can be rationalized by the CS, but that's all it is. Rationalization. 

Ask all the husbands and wives on this forum who have caught their spouses cyber sexting, if they think it's not an emotional betrayal.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

insane.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

badmemory said:


> If a spouse's transgression causes tremendous hurt and damages the marriage if discovered, then there is a reason that it does. It's because to the effected spouse, it would be seen as a betrayal. If the offending spouse thinks it's not, then why the concern with telling him the truth?
> 
> The significance of the betrayal can be rationalized by the CS, but that's all it is. Rationalization.
> 
> Ask all the husbands and wives on this forum who have caught their spouses cyber sexting, if they think it's not an emotional betrayal.


It is a betrayal. The question is whether she should tell him or not.

This idea that the 'truth' must be told at all cost is simplistic and false. Do you tell the truth to every person you meet? No of course not. We make judgements on the value of being honest versus the pain and suffering that honesty will bring. Her IC is right. There is no benefit in telling him and there is definite pain for him if she does. Therefore it is rational and moral not to tell him.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

boogaloo2 said:


> yes>>really!!!!


Ask your your husband if he thinks so..until then, their is no validity to your claim because it is you saying so and not your husband who is the offended party.

You are going to be in so much turmoil if/when your husband finds out.
There are too many avenues for it to leak.
Who can say that your kids won't get so mad at you or disgusted with the guilt that they tell him..what then?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> It is a betrayal. The question is whether she should tell him or not.
> 
> This idea that the 'truth' must be told at all cost is simplistic and false. *Do you tell the truth to every person you meet? No of course not.* We make judgements on the value of being honest versus the pain and suffering that honesty will bring. Her IC is right. There is no benefit in telling him and there is definite pain for him if she does. Therefore it is rational and moral not to tell him.


The random person on the street? No. Is it any of their business whether I had eggs or cereal for breakfast this morning? Nope, not at all. However, if, for some reason they ASKED me what I had for breakfast, I would tell them the truth. If there was a poll being conducted about whether or not couples have remained completely faithful in their relationships, and was asked if I ever cheated, be it physical, emotional, or even a small hint of either... yes, I would answer truthfully. But, maybe that's just me.

My HUSBAND, I don't keep secrets from. Oh, sorry, one correction to that... if I have a gift for him, I don't tell him what it is... until his birthday or Christmas or whatever occasion I got it for. Otherwise, I absolutely tell him the truth. Again, must just be me....


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Can we just let this post die.

She's fine with what she's done. It's her burden to bare and she's the better person because of it. Nothing we say will change her mind. Being the martyr makes that person think that they've made this huge sacrifice and that people should look up to them and respect them because of it.

BTW OP, it wasn't a long time ago, just a month ago you were about to start again but your daughter caught you before you could go through with it. If she hadn't you would have done it again.

No consequences for your actions so you'll do it again. Cheaters can spot out the BS artists who try to BS their way into making everything seem fine and dandy.

Yes, you're full of guilt but the thing is you have no guilt in hurting your husband really. Your guilt is that you got caught and now your kids know and you've made it their cross to bare also. So I guess your kids are going to have to watch you like a hawk to spare their father from your escapades.

Come clean, get the truth out, it'll set you free. Or you can play the martyr and gloat over yourself about how much pain you have to suffer to save your husband from what you have done.

Everything is still about you. I'll tell you what, you love yourself more than your husband. I know because I'm a cheater and I readily admit that I do love myself more than my wife. I would give my life to save her but in the end I know who I am. Can't fix selfish (or no empathy) but you can learn to control it.

You're not a bad person but you haven't learned from your mistake and you're making excuses to justify what you have to do to hide your mistake. That's not owning up to a mistake, that's running away from it. And by adding your kids into the mix, you just made that mistake bigger.

If your husband finds out one day and knows that the kids have hidden this from him also, that'll destroy their relationship with their father also.

Since you're keeping it with you until the grave or your deathbed, I hope your husband never finds out. Not for you but for your kids, destroying trust between you is one thing but destroying his trust for his kids is just plain cruel IMO.

Damn I only meant to type a little bit only and it exploded to this. But it all just poured out.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

CH said:


> Can we just let this post die.
> 
> She's fine with what she's done. It's her burden to bare and she's the better person because of it. Nothing we say will change her mind. Being the martyr makes that person think that they've made this huge sacrifice and that people should look up to them and respect them because of it.
> 
> ...


'Can we let this post die, but first here is an essay on the matter...' 

What you mean is 'will those who don't blindly follow the TAM orthodoxy stop posting'.

A little perspective is what is required on this thread. Three people close to this issue (her daughter, her counselor and her) have decided that it would be better not to tell him. Let's hope mature heads prevail and she doesn't.


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## boogaloo2 (Feb 13, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> 'Can we let this post die, but first here is an essay on the matter...'
> 
> What you mean is 'will those who don't blindly follow the TAM orthodoxy stop posting'.
> 
> A little perspective is what is required on this thread. Three people close to this issue (her daughter, her councillor and her) have decided that it would be better not to tell him. Let's hope mature heads prevail and she doesn't.


All 4 of my children know im seeing a councillor, with whom i have an appointment later today..we all discussed this after i called them all to my house..my councillor has her reasons why i shouldnt tell my husband..i am following all her suggestions, even though i struggle to see where she is going with her line of help..but i will persevere..I thank you all for youre responses to my post, even though a lot have been upsetting, but hey, i didnt come here for praise..


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> 'Can we let this post die, but first here is an essay on the matter...'
> Too funny
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

johnnycomelately said:


> I'm with her on this one. If my wife did this I would want to know why, but I wouldn't consider it infidelity.


Some people consder anything short of PIV sex not cheating. Some are even ok with that.

But why get hung up on terminology? She is betraying her marriage. She is being unfaithful to her husband.

So what does it matter? If I caught my wife doing this I would cut her loose no matter how long we had been married. This is just messed up. There is no excuse for it. Some people get odd when they get older.

But again many people who post on this are ok with open marriages. So this would be ok with them.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

boogaloo2 said:


> All 4 of my children know im seeing a councillor, with whom i have an appointment later today..we all discussed this after i called them all to my house..my councillor has her reasons why i shouldnt tell my husband..i am following all her suggestions, even though i struggle to see where she is going with her line of help..but i will persevere..I thank you all for youre responses to my post, even though a lot have been upsetting, but hey, i didnt come here for praise..


We can always find people to enable us in what ever behavior we wish to follow.

But IF your hubby finds out you are doing this, finds out you are being unfaithful and realizes you have been lying by omission who knows how he will react. So you take that risk.

But to be clear the fact that you will not tell your husband means you know this is a form for cheating. A true betrayal. That you have broken your marriage vows. You can deny this all you wish of course. But then I would just say ... Then tell your husband.

You do this because you want to. Own it.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> Some people consder anything short of PIV sex not cheating. Some are even ok with that.
> 
> But why get hung up on terminology? She is betraying her marriage. She is being unfaithful to her husband.
> 
> ...


There are people on here who say that talking to a member of the opposite sex is infidelity. 

Luckily she is getting sound advice from her IC.


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