# Kind of new member - newlywed - big problems



## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

So I signed up here last fall about an issue I was having, that issue has not be resolved, just been dropped. I haven't posted on here since.

Sorry in advance for the LONG post.

So from the beginning:

We've been married just over a year. We're young, in our mid 20s, no children. Before getting married, we dated for a year. 

Before we were together, I was the social butterfly. I had lots of friends, mostly females. I wasn't the type to hook up with guys or anything, I had one serious relationship before my husband. He was social as well. He was the partying type with lots of female friends. But I was his first relationship, he wasn't much of the dating type.

When we were dating, it kinda bothered me that he had a lot of female friends. Not just that he had them, but that he spent so much time with them. He was always texting, calling, or hanging out with them (even on our dates). Sometimes, more than his male friends. My male friends were just people I would keep in contact with, or hang out in group settings, I wouldn't really spend 1 on 1 time with them. And the more serious our relationship got, the less I spent with the guy friends. And I kind of suspected one of his female friends to like him with the way she would act around him (very flirtatious, always picking late night dates or intimate settings). 

I finally told him I didn't feel alright with it and he kind of fought me on it. I told him how I felt about that particular girl. And yes they've been friends for years, but it just didnt seem right with me. He told me I was overreacting. 

Before we got married, we discussed friends. Coincidently (and hypocritically) he told me that once we were married, he would feel weird if I was alone with another man. And I said I felt the same regarding his female friends. So at that point, we both agreed that once married, we wouldn't be alone with those friends. We would see them together (we introduced each other to our friends and we kind of all became decent friends) or in groups.

He told that one female friend that once we got married they wouldn't have anymore solo dates. She got upset but finally agreed. Then she approached me about it and told me that they were best friends and that she would continue seeing him after we get married. She accused me of being jealous of her and being insecure. I assured her I wasn't jealous Me and her got into a fight and we ended our friendship (met through him and weren't really close). I told him about it and he got upset that we even spoke. She began telling all our mutual friends that I was crazy, jealous, and insecure. I told him about what she said. I told him I was upset that she started all this drama a month away from our wedding. He took her side and blamed me for the whole thing. Things got ugly and she ended her friendship with him too. I got really upset that it didn't bother him that she was talking behind my back. He was more concerned with losing his friendship. That was probably when our problems began. Oh, and she didn't attended our wedding. (he secretly called her the day of our wedding and asked her to come, she declined)

We got married and things were kinda okay. We never had that "newlywed phase". Things always came up and we fought a lot.

My biggest issue is that I don't feel like I'm #1 in his life. I felt like he cared more about his friendship with her more than my feelings. He chased after her for a couple months after we got married. I found out through mutual friends. I was heartbroken. I told him I didn't feel like I was his main priority and that he was lying to me about a friend who talks badly about his now wife. But he didn't care too much and told me I was making a big deal out of nothing. Once she said they would never be friends again, he stopped, and we stopped talking about it.

Now onto more recent events:

Whenever we fight, he just stops talking. He'll go watch TV, go to sleep, or walk out of the house. If I try talking to him again he would blow up. So I would usually just let it be that night and try again the next day. That never seemed to work because he would still be mad. So I tried not mentioning it again and allow him to come to me when he is ready to talk. He wouldn't come for 6,7, 8 days. He would just eat, sleep, work and hang out with his friends for an entire week without talking to me. He now does this EVERY time we fight. And we fight every other week. We're pretty opposite. I'm very passionate and say what's on my mind. He's calm, quiet, and only talks about his feelings when asked. I don't know why we fight so often, it's mostly about stupid little things. 

It's been like this for months now. It's killing me inside. I tell him to talk to me and he says there's nothing to talk about. I ask him if he even wants to work things out and he says yes but walks out or ignores me.

I'm not perfect. This isn't all him. The fights are 50/50. But he never wants to work things out. He just wants to be silent for a week and then pretend like the fights never happened. 

We never do anything together. He never wants to go out. We're rarely intimate. We don't kiss, touch, hug, cuddle, anything. We're practically roommates. When I ask him if he thinks we're alright he says everything's fine. 

I feel like he doesn't care about me. He claims he loves me but never shows it. Recently, he's been making so many plans with his friends, I think, to just avoid me. Before he would go out, once, maybe twice a week. But now he goes out 5 times a week. The other two times he'll go to sleep right after work, or lock himself in the bedroom with a movie. 

I cry every night. He doesn't seem to care. Tonight I asked him if we could finally talk about things. He said he's not in the mood to talk. I said please. He said he made plans with his friends. I told him he already saw them 4 times this week and I asked him to stay so we can spend some time together and talk. I cried and begged him to stay. He left and shut his phone off. I feel like his friends come first. I'm not a priority. This marriage is not a priority.

This is the same way I felt last year. I feel like everyone comes first. My feelings are never a priority. 

I don't think there's another woman. He always leaves his phone out. His email open. He's not private. 

I don't know what else to do. I don't want to give him. We've only been married a year. But I don't want to be the only person who cares in this relationship. Or the only one who's still in love.

Any suggestion?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I suspect that at this point, you're chasing a man who prefers to be the chaser. You said he chased that friendship for a few months. But you're the one "caring" and to be honest, nagging him to talk. 

What are your other problems besides not feeling like you're not his most important priority? (The things you discuss in your post are all about that, which I'll address, but if this is the main thing, then you MUST stop trying to talk about it!)

For a moment, let's pretend to be inside of his head. He's thinking he lost a great friendship, and even if he knows it wasn't your fault, it happened because of his relationship with you, and he feels as if he was punished as a result. 

Then, when fights happen, you have a way of dealing with things that's not compatible with the way he deals with things. He'd rather mull things over a bit, and as it fades from his awareness, he's back to good. He doesn't understand why it doesn't work that way for everyone, and when you want to talk, it feels like more punishment to him. He's expecting to be criticized. He certainly doesn't feel like you're going to show him admiration and love! So he avoids and evades.

In the meantime, his behaviors are making you feel hurt, frustrated, and more. But you cannot change him, so let's look at how you can change yourself to make the relationship change:

For one thing, talk less. I'm betting your guy learns more from experiencing consequences than he does from hearing threats or criticism. If he goes out with friends, schedule something fun for yourself - when he feels like he's missing out, he'll stop hanging so much with his buddies. Actions definitely speak louder than words, and you don't have to be negative at all for him to learn what you want him to - that you'll prioritize you. When you prioritize yourself, you train others to recognize that you only accept good treatment. (When you're not around because you're out having fun without him, his instinct to chase will kick in.)

Second, consider that some people are motivated more by positive regard than they are by fear of negative consequences. He may spend time with friends because it's a more positive experience for him. Make his experiences with you positive by prioritizing him fully - not with words because that doesn't mean anything to him - but by your actions. Bake a cake "just for him" or mow the lawn because he worked hard this week and you wanted to do something nice "to show your appreciation." 

If you do these things, the results may not be immediate but they will happen. Keep your negativity inside, and be sunshine and light for your man. When you *are* his best source of joy, comfort, and pleasure, AND he sees that you take care of yourself with or without him, you'll see him shift priorities. I can't tell you exactly how long it'll take for him to recognize those changes. It could be weeks, it could take longer, but your relationship will benefit in the meantime.

I have a number of articles that may apply to your situation if you feel like visiting my link below.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Tell him straight. You both go to counseling together or your marriage is very likely going to fall apart. You need to escalate the warning so he understands, not just bug him to talk to you. If that doesn't work, separate. You have to insist on his cooperation and mean business. You need to make him aware in no uncertain terms that things HAVE to change BIG time or your marriage will likely not survive. That's how you feel right? Don't hide that from him, you have a duty to tell him, you need to have the self-respect to insist on the changes you deserve, and he has a right to know the seriousness of the situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In line with Kathy's above post, I think that you would benefit greatly from the book "Divorce Busting". 

You cannot change another person. But you can change how you interact with that person. And often when you change, their behavior towards you will change.

Do both of you have jobs outside the home?


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I suspect that at this point, you're chasing a man who prefers to be the chaser. You said he chased that friendship for a few months. But you're the one "caring" and to be honest, nagging him to talk.
> 
> What are your other problems besides not feeling like you're not his most important priority? (The things you discuss in your post are all about that, which I'll address, but if this is the main thing, then you MUST stop trying to talk about it!)
> 
> ...




Well, not feeling like a priority is the main issue. Him not caring enough to resolve any problems that come up. It doesn't matter if its a little disagreement or a big blown fight, he reacts the same: which is stop talking, walk away, and hope it goes away on it's own. To me that's not how you resolve things. I want to talk it out and make sure the issue is dealt with before moving on. Or else everything will just pile up and we will explode one day (which we have done). But he either doesn't get it or doesn't care, and I'm leaning towards the not caring part.

Another issue is that he never feels at fault. Whatever the problem is, it was all me, never him. He doesn't own up to anything. He is very prideful, egotistical, and arrogant. And the crazy part is, he was NEVER like that before we got married. He was the talker, the resolver, the listener.

The part where you said he likes to be the chaser. Doesn't that only apply to when you are first going out? In a marriage, there shouldn't have to be a chaser. 

Talking less does nothing. He can go weeks without saying anything. The silence just makes things worse because the anger and tension are just building up.

I don't feel like prioritize someone who doesn't prioritize me. I know it sounds selfish. For months I would try to work on the relationship. I would suggest fun dates outside, taking roadtrips, hanging out with our friends who are married or in relationships, nothing. He is not interested in spending time together. He much rather go out with his friends and come home late knowing I would be asleep.

As for me making plans, I'm not as free as him. We both work full time. But I am taking full time courses online to finish up my last semester of school, trying to get my degree. So when I come home, I have tons of homework to catch up on. Usually he just sits and waits a couple hrs and then we spend the evening and night together. But now, he comes home, changes, and leaves until the wee hours of the night. I really think he's avoiding me. And it breaks my heart.

I want to just stop altogether. Stop talking. Stop trying. Stop caring. I don't feel like he deserves me trying. I'm exhausted.


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

bradt said:


> Tell him straight. You both go to counseling together or your marriage is very likely going to fall apart. You need to escalate the warning so he understands, not just bug him to talk to you. If that doesn't work, separate. You have to insist on his cooperation and mean business. You need to make him aware in no uncertain terms that things HAVE to change BIG time or your marriage will likely not survive. That's how you feel right? Don't hide that from him, you have a duty to tell him, you need to have the self-respect to insist on the changes you deserve, and he has a right to know the seriousness of the situation.




Counseling is for people who want to resolve their issues. He doesn't even acknowledge these issues. I much rather have him talk to me first. I feel like once he can agree to work together then we can start counseling. 

Honestly, I'm terrified of separating. I feel like if one of us moves out, that's it. I have told him that if we don't work on things we won't even make it till the end of the year. He shrugs his shoulders and says if I want to leave I can. But then claims he loves me and wants to work it out. But just doesn't see a problem.


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> In line with Kathy's above post, I think that you would benefit greatly from the book "Divorce Busting".
> 
> You cannot change another person. But you can change how you interact with that person. And often when you change, their behavior towards you will change.
> 
> Do both of you have jobs outside the home?



Yes, we both work full time. I also go to school full time online. I know I can not change him. But I just don't understand the sudden change. He was never like this before. Currently, we are not interacting at all. We just sit alone with our laptops and don't even talk. 

I don't know how else to interact with him besides not interacting at all.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Daniyah said:


> Counseling is for people who want to resolve their issues. He doesn't even acknowledge these issues. I much rather have him talk to me first. I feel like once he can agree to work together then we can start counseling.
> 
> Honestly, I'm terrified of separating. I feel like if one of us moves out, that's it. I have told him that if we don't work on things we won't even make it till the end of the year. He shrugs his shoulders and says if I want to leave I can. But then claims he loves me and wants to work it out. But just doesn't see a problem.


You need to achieve his full buy-in and understand just how critical this is for you and really commit to understanding and finding solutions. If you cannot persuade him to do that, you have to escalate the warning, it's as simple as that. Don't go on exhausting yourself, just escalate and mean business.

The sooner you recognize and act on the need to do that (instead of continuing to exhaust yourself in an intolerable situation) the better, because your feelings are getting beyond repair. A man who continues to deny a relationship problem after having them clearly and emphatically explained to him is not fully bought-in to the marriage. You have to insist on this buy-in from him, nothing but strength will do it. He's taking the easiest path for HIM because you're allowing it. Basically right now, you're saying to him, "me not feeling like #1 is a problem for US" and he's saying to you "no, you not feeling like #1 is a problem for YOU". You have a right to insist on his taking joint ownership of the problem and you may have to walk out to achieve that.

You might have to separate. In my view this would probably give him the wake up call he needs and could save your marriage. You should be more terrified of not separating. More of the same for much longer could leave to an irretrievable breakdown. You are getting beyond caring.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Daniyah said:


> Yes, we both work full time. I also go to school full time online. I know I can not change him. But I just don't understand the sudden change. He was never like this before. Currently, we are not interacting at all. We just sit alone with our laptops and don't even talk.
> 
> I don't know how else to interact with him besides not interacting at all.


The sudden change can come from many places. Two in particular come to mind.

One is that often people have an idea of how what the marriage relationship is like. They learn this from their parents or other significant examples they saw growing up. When they date and live with someone they behave one way. Once married, they switch over to the 'marriage image' in their head. This happens all the time. I had it happen to me in my first marriage. The week after we got married, he completely changed and was never around... just like his father.

The other thing that might have happened was the issue of his relationship with the female friend of his. The situation might have caused him a huge issue. 

IMHO, he did not put you first above other women before he married you. Once married you put your foot down and he lost a friendship that was important to him. His group of friends probably sided with his ex-friend. So you are no odd person out.

I think you completely missed the point of my post. You have to change the way you behave towards him and interact with him. 

What you are doing is not working. To continue to do the same thing over and over when it's not working is insanity. The book I suggested was suggested for a very particular reason. It will help you figure out how to act differently. Once you start being the polar opposite to the way you are now, to the way he expects you to behave, he will start to pay attention to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

On the topic of chasing. Yes there should still be an element of chasing after you are married. It's part of human nature to enjoy the chase.

Be more of a mistry to your husband. Again read the darn book.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I will reply in bold within your post: 



Daniyah said:


> Well, not feeling like a priority is the main issue. Him not caring enough to resolve any problems that come up. It doesn't matter if its a little disagreement or a big blown fight, he reacts the same: which is stop talking, walk away, and hope it goes away on it's own. To me that's not how you resolve things.
> 
> *You're assuming that your way is superior or the "only" way to resolve problems. You're not correct about that. Your method is different than his, but his works for him. Until you understand and respect that, you will not be able to make progress. *
> 
> ...


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

bradt said:


> You need to achieve his full buy-in and understand just how critical this is for you and really commit to understanding and finding solutions. If you cannot persuade him to do that, you have to escalate the warning, it's as simple as that. Don't go on exhausting yourself, just escalate and mean business.
> 
> The sooner you recognize and act on the need to do that (instead of continuing to exhaust yourself in an intolerable situation) the better, because your feelings are getting beyond repair. A man who continues to deny a relationship problem after having them clearly and emphatically explained to him is not fully bought-in to the marriage. You have to insist on this buy-in from him, nothing but strength will do it. He's taking the easiest path for HIM because you're allowing it. Basically right now, you're saying to him, "me not feeling like #1 is a problem for US" and he's saying to you "no, you not feeling like #1 is a problem for YOU". You have a right to insist on his taking joint ownership of the problem and you may have to walk out to achieve that.
> 
> You might have to separate. In my view this would probably give him the wake up call he needs and could save your marriage. You should be more terrified of not separating. More of the same for much longer could leave to an irretrievable breakdown. You are getting beyond caring.



I can't make him want to go to counseling. I can't make him achieve his buy-in. Wanting to fix things has to come from his heart. It's just a little scary to think we need to separate to fix it. I'm definitely scared of that. But more importantly, I want to fix this. I am just looking for outside perspective to help me gain insight. I appreciate your posts and I agree with what you're saying.


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The sudden change can come from many places. Two in particular come to mind.
> 
> One is that often people have an idea of how what the marriage relationship is like. They learn this from their parents or other significant examples they saw growing up. When they date and live with someone they behave one way. Once married, they switch over to the 'marriage image' in their head. This happens all the time. I had it happen to me in my first marriage. The week after we got married, he completely changed and was never around... just like his father.
> 
> ...



I definitely think the issue with his friend last year is part of the reason. It was the starting point of this downward path. I know I need to change my behaviour, I just don't know how to exactly. I haven't checked out the book yet, but I will. Thank you.


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

I posted in red font within our posts.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Daniyah View Post
Well, not feeling like a priority is the main issue. Him not caring enough to resolve any problems that come up. It doesn't matter if its a little disagreement or a big blown fight, he reacts the same: which is stop talking, walk away, and hope it goes away on it's own. To me that's not how you resolve things.

*You're assuming that your way is superior or the "only" way to resolve problems. You're not correct about that. Your method is different than his, but his works for him. Until you understand and respect that, you will not be able to make progress.*

No I am not assuming that my way is the superior way. His way just isn't working. We tried not talking about the problems and just letting them go. But one day we blew up and all the problems came crashing down on us. We got into a huge fight and didn't talk for a long time afterwards.That is why I am persisting on trying my method, which he refuses to do. It isn't about who's method is better or right, it's about which one works better. We tried his and it failed. I just feel like we should try mine. That's how we did it while dating and it worked fine. Am I wrong for thinking that?


I want to talk it out and make sure the issue is dealt with before moving on. Or else everything will just pile up and we will explode one day (which we have done). But he either doesn't get it or doesn't care, and I'm leaning towards the not caring part.

*There is nothing wrong with your method, IF both parties agree to use the same method. You and your husband do not. You can't force him to adopt your ways, so you'll need to change how you do things if you want this situation to change.*

I do want to change how I do things but I am not sure HOW. What can I do differently? Not talk about the problems? We are so opposite that I have no idea how to handle the situation. That is why I am looking for outside help. How do you talk to someone about problems who does not want to talk? Or someone who doesn't believe we have any?

Another issue is that he never feels at fault. Whatever the problem is, it was all me, never him. He doesn't own up to anything. He is very prideful, egotistical, and arrogant. And the crazy part is, he was NEVER like that before we got married. He was the talker, the resolver, the listener.
*
You're really critical of him here. That's not helping things because your thoughts and attitude are coming through to him. Can you think of a single reason someone should be adoring and loving toward a person who accuses them of pridefulness, egotism, and arrogance?*

What do you mean I am too critical of him? I don't constantly remind him of it. I have said it before and he doesn't disagree. He is well aware of how he is, he even apologizes for being prideful and arrogant, but somehow he still remains quiet and doesn't accept the issues. But I don't constantly remind him of this. When we do speak, I ask him how he feels about the current problem, and he denies it. I offer suggestions, and he rejects them. I tell him I feel like he doesn't care but he claims he does. It's this cycle we go through everytime but get nowhere. 

*I would certainly be looking for ways to escape if I was in his shoes. You probably have plenty of valid points when you argue, but if you're judgmental, you'll never get a good response.*

But if I'm not pointing out his character faults, (just discussing the issues at hand) am I still being judgmental?

The part where you said he likes to be the chaser. Doesn't that only apply to when you are first going out? In a marriage, there shouldn't have to be a chaser.

*Your preconceived ideas of what a marriage "should" be is getting in the way of what your marriage IS. Yes, chasing happens when attraction exists, whether you're dating or have been married for years.*

I suppose I do have an image of how marriage should be like. I grew up with very in-love parents who have been married for decades. My dad is very open, honest, and affectionate with my mom. They are each others' best friend. My mother likes to resolve issues at hand (that is where I got it from). I guess since I see it working for them (my sister and her husband also), I am wondering why it won't work for us. His household, the father worked long hours and was rarely home. I suppose we are the products of our environment. And I haven't been chased since we got engaged. I kind of forgot how that feels like. He has completely changed.

Talking less does nothing. He can go weeks without saying anything. The silence just makes things worse because the anger and tension are just building up.

*Because for weeks, you'll keep doing the same things that prompt him not to talk. I'm not saying his behavior is good or even excusable. But I AM saying you can change what you do if you want to experience a different outcome. I don't think you will, because you sound as if you're dead set on being right instead of focusing on being happy.*

I am not dead set on being right. In fact, I am not trying to be right. I know his method doesn't work. I would like him to try my method. And honestly, I don't know how else to act to get a different outcome. Sometimes I feel like the outcome will just be the same. 

I don't feel like prioritize someone who doesn't prioritize me. I know it sounds selfish. For months I would try to work on the relationship. I would suggest fun dates outside, taking roadtrips, hanging out with our friends who are married or in relationships, nothing. He is not interested in spending time together. He much rather go out with his friends and come home late knowing I would be asleep.

*You have every right to do things your way. Your husband can't stop you, and he knows it. It shows in the way you're talking here. Your way or the highway. You make suggestions and get mad when it doesn't influence him. I get that it's important to feel like you have influence, but you're NOT going to get there without first finding humility and giving HIM influence to guide things. Whether it's "fair" or not, that's reality.*

It is definitely not my way or the highway. I didn't mean to sound that way. I don't get mad because he doesn't accept my suggestion. I get mad at the fact that he just doesn't care. Even if I don't suggest, nag, ask, bug, or whatever, he still has this stand-off ish attitude that is driving me crazy. I just want him to SHOW me he cares. He doesn't have to agree to my method. He could even agree to an in middle ground. But he won't even do that.

As for me making plans, I'm not as free as him. We both work full time. But I am taking full time courses online to finish up my last semester of school, trying to get my degree. So when I come home, I have tons of homework to catch up on. Usually he just sits and waits a couple hrs and then we spend the evening and night together. But now, he comes home, changes, and leaves until the wee hours of the night. I really think he's avoiding me. And it breaks my heart.

*Then be the warm, loving person he can't resist.*

Easy said than done. I have been warm and loving. But right now, I find it very difficult to be that way with someone who seems to be running away from me. Everyday I feel rejected. 

I want to just stop altogether. Stop talking. Stop trying. Stop caring. I don't feel like he deserves me trying. I'm exhausted.

*Or give up. It's your call.* 

I don't want to give up. I want outside perspective on the situation. And you definitely provided that. It's hard to change how you act when you've been that way forever. I just feel a little betrayed. I haven't changed. But yet he did a full 360. I am just hurt and confused.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Daniyah said:


> I can't make him want to go to counseling. I can't make him achieve his buy-in. Wanting to fix things has to come from his heart. It's just a little scary to think we need to separate to fix it. I'm definitely scared of that. But more importantly, I want to fix this. I am just looking for outside perspective to help me gain insight. I appreciate your posts and I agree with what you're saying.


You say you cant make him want to go to counseling. Well if you say you're going to separate unless he does, and then all of a sudden he wants to, because all of a sudden he realizes how much he loves you and what he faces losing, does it come from his heart or not? If all of a sudden he realizes that his total buy-in and effort to fixing your JOINT problem, is well, actually, quite important to your marriage and to HIM also, does that come from his heart or not? So for me, that's all just semantics, "coming from his heart".

What you're saying really is that you shouldn't have to force him. Well absolutely, you may well be right there. That's a value judgment I'm not taking issue with. Maybe I shouldn't have to be telling my ex to stop changing the parenting schedule unilaterally or having a revolving door on relationships with her bfs around my daughter. Maybe I shouldn't have to force her to stop doing those things. The reality for me however is that I do have to force her, I can't make it "come from her heart" and anytime we have to force anyone, is a reason to grieve. But do not let that make you shy away from doing what is necessary. Winston Churchill said, doing our best is not good enough. We must succeed at what is necessary.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Inserting again.



Daniyah said:


> I posted in red font within our posts.
> 
> 
> No I am not assuming that my way is the superior way. His way just isn't working. We tried not talking about the problems and just letting them go. But one day we blew up and all the problems came crashing down on us. We got into a huge fight and didn't talk for a long time afterwards.That is why I am persisting on trying my method, which he refuses to do. It isn't about who's method is better or right, it's about which one works better. We tried his and it failed. I just feel like we should try mine. That's how we did it while dating and it worked fine. Am I wrong for thinking that?
> ...


I understand that you're hurt and confused, and that his behavior isn't what you expected. You learned something about how he responds to certain types of situations.

I'm giving you "tough love" answers because I've walked in your shoes and have learned just how much I sabotaged my own happiness over the years - using the same kinds of thinking I hear in your posts. I hope you can benefit from it, but I won't try to force you. I wish you the best.


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

To KathyBatesel:

Thank you for your post.

I did not at all mean to say you are wrong or your methods are wrong. On the contrary, your posts have helped me immensely. 

I have stopped pushing him to solve it my way. I have suggested to him that we find a mutual in between which we are both satisfied with. He agreed.

I definitely do want to change how I do things. It's not that I want my way to work, I just really wanted him to start talking. Even if it's about the weather. Yes, my way is that we communicate these problems. But I also just wanted him to talk to me again. He wouldn't talk to me, about anything, regardless or subject or day. I didn't mean to come across as arrogant or hard headed, definitely not. I am looking into the outside help and hoping it works. 

I wasn't looking for someone to tell me I was right. I know I am not. And what would be the point in that? I was looking for outside perspective. I have not asked friends or family, I thought a stranger would be more neutral and honest. I did want the honest, hard, not sugar-coated answers. And that is what you provided me with. 

I don't think I said your methods wouldn't work. (or at least that is not what I meant) I meant to say HIS didn't work. And not because I'm selfish or hard headed, but because we have been doing his way for months and we are even worse than before. 

I 100% agree with what you said about communicating without saying anything. Body language says a lot. And my body language has been saying I am upset and hurt. 

In your first post you said to talk less. Which I do. You also said schedule more things for myself. Which I've done. I am prioritizing me again. He hasn't said anything yet, but I'm sure it will work. 

As for my parents marriage, I know that isn't us. I know every relationships is different. I just meant that it is even harder to deal with my marriage being like this when I grew up with something much different. You are a product of your environment. So I have let go that fantasy and looking through reality. And the reality is, I need to work on my marriage if I want it to work. 

Thank you for your posts. I hope I was not too difficult to talk to. Your posts have shed new light and gave me a lot of think about. You mentioned your marriage being in a good place, I hope mine will be too. 

Thank you.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi Daniyah,

I agree with KathyBatesel. Stop talking about the issues you're facing with him. 
The fact that he is planning to see his friends during most of his spare time is to me a clear indication that he finds some kind of refuge in them. It's a safe place for him to be with them.
He probably feels "intimidated" inside the house because of all the fighting.

So I would suggest first for you to rest and let go of the stress/resentment/anger/sadness you feel about the situation. Take time for yourself, relax, go see your friends and have fun.

When you feel good try to make your husband feel good when he comes home from work. Cook him his favourite meal. Make him coffee/breakfast in the morning.Try to surprise him with little things that you know he likes.
It might be difficult at the beginning and he may not react as you expect. It will take time, don't give up and be persistent.

You guys got married because you loved each other. Don't give up!

I really hope you guys can turn around this situation.


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

Mishy said:


> Hi Daniyah,
> 
> I agree with KathyBatesel. Stop talking about the issues you're facing with him.
> The fact that he is planning to see his friends during most of his spare time is to me a clear indication that he finds some kind of refuge in them. It's a safe place for him to be with them.
> ...



Hi Mishy,

Sorry for the late reply, I had exams!!

You're right. I do need to stop talking about the issue - which I have. I do need to relax and enjoy myself - which I do. And I definitely need to make him feel good - which I am trying to do.

I appreciate your advice. I've been really busy studying lately. But I will try to take everyone's posts and input. 

I will let you know how it goes!

Thank you again.:smthumbup:


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sorry to come back to this so late. I've been swamped lately and out of town periodically.

I know that you're trying the best you know how. I am picking up on your strong need to defend yourself and avoid feeling vulnerable or "wrong." I hope for your sake and your marriage's that you can let yourself be both of these things to some degree. 

The one thing in this reply that stood out to me is that you said your body language shows that you're hurt. How do you feel when people tell you that you're hurting them, especially if you have been trying to treat them well? Answering this will go a long way to helping you recognize where his mind is.




Daniyah said:


> To KathyBatesel:
> 
> Thank you for your post.
> 
> ...


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Sorry to come back to this so late. I've been swamped lately and out of town periodically.
> 
> I know that you're trying the best you know how. I am picking up on your strong need to defend yourself and avoid feeling vulnerable or "wrong." I hope for your sake and your marriage's that you can let yourself be both of these things to some degree.
> 
> The one thing in this reply that stood out to me is that you said your body language shows that you're hurt. How do you feel when people tell you that you're hurting them, especially if you have been trying to treat them well? Answering this will go a long way to helping you recognize where his mind is.


When someone tells me I am hurting them, I naturally feel awful. Regardless if we are fighting or if that person is hurting me, I will always feel bad for hurting them. I am pretty sensitive. I try not to intentionally hurt people. But sometimes you can't control it.

I am still trying to get a sense of what he is thinking. He still won't talk about it. It's killing me inside. But I am taking the advice and not bringing it up. I am trying to show him the me he fell in love with.

Lets hope this works.

Thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Daniyah said:


> When someone tells me I am hurting them, I naturally feel awful. Regardless if we are fighting or if that person is hurting me, I will always feel bad for hurting them. I am pretty sensitive. I try not to intentionally hurt people. But sometimes you can't control it.
> 
> I am still trying to get a sense of what he is thinking. He still won't talk about it. It's killing me inside. But I am taking the advice and not bringing it up.* I am trying to show him the me he fell in love with.*Lets hope this works.
> 
> ...


How long have you been doing this?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Daniyah said:


> When someone tells me I am hurting them, I naturally feel awful. Regardless if we are fighting or if that person is hurting me, I will always feel bad for hurting them. I am pretty sensitive. I try not to intentionally hurt people. But sometimes you can't control it.
> 
> I am still trying to get a sense of what he is thinking. He still won't talk about it. It's killing me inside. But I am taking the advice and not bringing it up. I am trying to show him the me he fell in love with.
> 
> ...


Exactly. When you know you've hurt someone, you feel awful. Most people, including him, feel bad when they hurt someone they care about. If they come to believe that they're constantly hurting someone, they withdraw. 

That's what he's thinking, I suspect... "I can't do anything right, so why bother? Why even be here?" He won't open up to you because he feels certain you'll be hurt when he tells you what is going on in his heart and mind.

If you don't like and love him _just the way he is_, it's going to get worse.


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