# Trying to Plan a Move Out - but It's Tough



## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

I haven't been on this forum for a long time, but suffice it to say that I have been in a hellish marriage for some time now. Very long story short, I have actually agreed to move out and try to start a divorce, but it is very hard for many reasons:

1. Coronavirus - everything is pretty much on hold because it is still very dangerous. Working from home and sharing a small apartment with S2BX is absolute hell.
2. Money - it will cost some money to find an apartment, secure it and move.
3. Underneath this - I have a definite desire to move - but I still fear being alone. I went past a development I am considering and will move there if I can, but I also felt very hurt and depressed imagining myself living alone in an apartment. I am afraid my adult sons will not have much to do with me, I will not be able to find a romantic/sexual partner, and that ultimately I will die alone. 

I know that I have to go because my "wife" and I do not get along at all, and she has such a horrible personality that we cannot coexist in the same space. She will not stop starting old fights with me (she literally brings up grudges from the 1980s!) and when I tell her that we fight because of her unfiltered, unhinged, vulgar personality, she responds that nobody is going to tell her she can't say whatever she wants to say. In a word, this woman is impossible to deal with on any level.

I just don't really know how to deal with life after being a husband and father for more than 30 years. I don't want to be a lonesome loser, but that sure seems inevitable right now.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Have you talked to a lawyer yet? You will want to do that before moving out of the house. 

For your adult kids, why do you think they'd stop seeing you? Is there a real reason or is that just (normal) worrying? Make sure you invite them over and put in an effort to plan things, family dinners, etc. 

As for being alone, nearly everyone has that fear regardless of whether they are 30 or 60. It's normal, it passes, and it's usually wrong. You need to take some time for yourself, heal, then put yourself back out there. Chances are another relationship won't fall into your lap but you can do things like find activities on meetup.com or volunteermatch.org. Choose things you are interested in and you will meet like-minded people.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why would your sons not want to have a relationship with you?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ElCanario said:


> I haven't been on this forum for a long time, but suffice it to say that I have been in a hellish marriage for some time now. Very long story short, I have actually agreed to move out and try to start a divorce, but it is very hard for many reasons:
> 
> 1. Coronavirus - everything is pretty much on hold because it is still very dangerous. Working from home and sharing a small apartment with S2BX is absolute hell.
> 2. Money - it will cost some money to find an apartment, secure it and move.
> ...


I know it seems really scary and hopeless right now, but that's because you are in a rut, and the CHANGE to the unknown is unsettling. As you go through this process, you are going to have MANY moments of second-guessing yourself and your choices, but you still need to push past your fears and get to the other side - there will be PEACE there!!

Remember also, you are probably suffering from symptoms of emotional abuse, from the way you described your wife's fighting style, and the fact that it sounds like she hasn't appreciated you for a long time. Look up Emotional Abuse and how to heal from it. Does it sound like you? If it does, I would say you should get started on finding ways to begin healing from that. 

NO ONE needs to die alone, or even BE alone - there are plenty of ways to get involved with other people who will value you, even if you don't have a romantic partner right away. I know it's hard with Corona quarantine going on, but when things go back to semi-normal, there will be many ways you can get out into the world and form relationships with other people, through hobbies, sports, social events, volunteering, church, etc etc. You should be able to meet women there as well!

It's important to keep in mind that the only thing you are hesitating on right now is the sense of security that the FAMILIARITY of your situation is giving you - you have NO happiness where you are now, you are actually very lonely already in your marriage, and have been unhappy for so long. Going through this process of changing your life will be the BEST thing for you!!

Stay as positive as you can and keep looking FORWARD, not back...!!!


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

aine said:


> Why would your sons not want to have a relationship with you?


She has spent their entire lives telling them I am lazy, no good, that my family isn't s***, that I am a weak man, and countless other attacks. I have spent years taking care of then when I wasn't working 2 or 3 or 4 jobs, but now it seems as if her attacks have taken a toll. The kids feel a need to take care of her, they confide things in her but not me, and when I try to ask them how they're doing, they don't tend to say much at all. I feel that they have seen her put me down so much and so often that they think she's right. She has put down my second son a lot, because he is the most like me, but he doesn't even seem to remember how much I protected him or stood up for him. Even he seems to be taking her side in all this. It is devastating to think of how she has undermined me in their eyes, and I will hate her for the rest of my life as a result.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@ElCanario, At the moment you are living a lonely life with a monster. When you move out you might still be having a lonely life, but free of the monster.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sir, 
Have you ever tried to find happiness within yourself? Perhaps, your emotionally abusive wive has restrained your abilities in this area. It is never too late to realize that happiness is a choice and found within you. Social life contributes to feelings of togetherness which you do not have in your current relationship. 

Just because she calls you worthless, does not make it true. PROVE this to her, the kids, and yourself. Nothing like starting a new life to prove her wrong. Have you considered that she may have been trying to get you to leave for years and you have been holding on? 

You have been given good advice here. The first step is difficult but empowering! Do you have friends, neighbors, church, etc., where you can find support?

Coronavirus gives you an excellent opportunity to begin change. Money--What is more important, your mental health or it's cost? I am not being flip here. See a lawyer--first visit often free. Move if lawyer agrees. Start with a dog of your own--baby steps--and then proceed. See how you FEEL about this new life. Do not second-guess yourself in your head. What do you really have to lose??


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

sunsetmist said:


> Sir,
> Have you ever tried to find happiness within yourself? Perhaps, your emotionally abusive wive has restrained your abilities in this area. It is never too late to realize that happiness is a choice and found within you. Social life contributes to feelings of togetherness which you do not have in your current relationship.


I have, with not much success, tried to find happiness within myself. Despite her assaults on my psyche, I don't have too many problems with the person I am. I am confident in my professional abilities (despite the lack of accomplishments), my contributions as a father and a citizen, and I do believe I am a decent, lovable person. Problem is, I don't see any of this making me attractive to the opposite sex. Why does that matter? Probably because I have been lonely and missing sexual/romantic love for about 20 years within this marriage, and because growing up (HS/college/young adulthood) before I got married, I lacked that as well. I was hoping to marry and grow old with someone, and I know that ultimately I picked the wrong person. But I picked the wrong person because there was no RIGHT person.




> Just because she calls you worthless, does not make it true. PROVE this to her, the kids, and yourself. Nothing like starting a new life to prove her wrong. * Have you considered that she may have been trying to get you to leave for years and you have been holding on?*


Yes, that is EXACTLY what has been happening. About 20 years or so she's been trying to goad me into leaving. But I refused to leave because I wasn't going to leave the kids fatherless. I lost my dad at 6 weeks and I wasn't going to have them growing up without a father.



> You have been given good advice here. The first step is difficult but empowering! *Do you have friends, neighbors, church, etc., where you can find support?*


No, not at all. I'm pretty much by myself.


> Coronavirus gives you an excellent opportunity to begin change. Money--What is more important, your mental health or it's cost? I am not being flip here. See a lawyer--first visit often free. Move if lawyer agrees. Start with a dog of your own--baby steps--and then proceed. See how you FEEL about this new life. Do not second-guess yourself in your head. What do you really have to lose??


I've definitely made the decision to split...I am just really worried about the aftermath.


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