# A different kind of financial problem...



## PhoneMan (Aug 15, 2014)

Good afternoon everyone. After struggling with this issue for the past 3 years, I have decided to finally seek help, so consider my first post a hello and at the same time a "Please! Help me!"

Our issue has nothing to do with financial shortfall, rather the opposite. We are not wealthy by any means, but for our rural area, we are considered middle/upper middle class. Combined salary is about $105k a year gross with my job providing the bulk of that.

My wife has two teenagers from a previous marriage and while teenagers are expensive, it's absolutely nothing we shouldn't be able to handle. However, my wife insists to the point of argument, that our bank accounts stay separate. She contributes what she has deemed as "her half" of the bills to my bank account monthly as everything comes out ETF. Her job pays a litle less than $30,000/yr gross. We have an $1,100/mo mortgage, $600 in combined car financing and no other debt. Total utilities including power, water, phone, internet, and cell are about $350/mo.

Today, she told me that her checking account was showing overdrawn because she forgot her car payment was coming out. Meanwhile, my checking account accumulates about $1,500/mo in disposable income that I transfer either into savings/401k/RIRA/extra car or mortgage payments, etc. I strive to keep $5k in my checking account just as a precaution.

Let me cut to the chase. We have enough money to live comfortably, but because my wife chooses to keep our assets separate, it causes undue hardship on her. I have begged relentlessly to join checking accounts to no avail. I think she is still trying to prove that she can raise her kids on her own, but they are no longer just HER kids. I very much consider them mine, and in fact am driving to Kentucky this weekend to pick up a car for our 15 year old daughter to surprise her on her 16th birthday (I already purchased our 17 year old son a vehicle 8 months ago. His dad bought him the first, which he totaled in a snowstorm we had last winter (another story)).

Routinely I hear things from her like "I'm living a lifestyle I can't afford" or "I'm going to have to get a second job just to afford the bills I have now."

I have no idea how to get through to her that we are a team and in no uncertain financial terms, a partnership.

Outside of this issue that has gone on since even before we were married, our life and marriage is pretty normal, if that word even exists any more.

Is there anything I can do to convince her to join forces here? Or does it sound as hopeless as it does when I reread it? I have gone so far as to call the bank and block anyone from depositing money into my checking account only to find that money in my account, without fail every month at lunch.

I know it's the opposite of what most people experience and I'm not seeking sympathy for my (somewhat) abundance, but it's no different in the fact that it's really putting our marriage to the test.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Deposit what you figure is a fair amount of money into HER account each month.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon PhoneMan
this is exactly why I think keeping finances separate is a bad idea. A couple I know kept their finances separate. He made a killing in business (hard work but mostly luck) and retired at 40. She still works full time to pay "her" share. He will spend the rest of his life in leisure. It is "fair" from an economic point of view, but it sure doesn't "feel" fair. 

If he had kept working, then what. If he wants to buy a private jet, and has the money, is he not allowed to because she can't pay her "share". 

Combine the money. Set an equal allowance aside to each of you to have as your "own" money. Pay all combined costs from the combined pot. 


My wife and I have combined from the start. Early on she made more money. Now I make more. Soon she may inherit a ton. No one can predict what will happen over a lifetime so pick a scheme that works well whatever happens.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

I agree from what you've written it makes no sense.

I'm curious, why does your wife not want to combine finances? You say you think she wants to prove she can raise the children herself, and it sounds like you've had many conversations about this, but it doesn't sounds like you've gotten to the bottom of it. My DH and I have had to have many conversations about money this year, and it took many of them to even start to get underneath what he was thinking, to why he was thinking it. 

Maybe you can ask the curiosity questions like what is important to her about paying her way. You need to do it really carefully with no judgement or arguing, just listening for the answer. Then once you truly understand where she's coming from it may make some sense?


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## PhoneMan (Aug 15, 2014)

Sam, I'd rather not play games and knowing her she'd pull it out and deposit it back in my account.

Richard, spot on assessment and I like the solution too, now the difficult task of convincing her to do it and how...

Deep, there absolutely have been dozens of conversations (and one or two arguments) as to the why of the matter, with no clear results. To the best of my understanding, her ex-husband was the sole provider in that marriage, and let her know it constantly. Because of this fact, regardless of how much she trusts me not to throw my elevated salary in her face, it may be a lost cause.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I can see your wife's view. I've seen many reasons, that were sound, why couples sometimes don't combine finances. Given your wife's past situation I wouldn't push it. She needs to feel she can do for hers and not be that person her ex made her see herself to be. She could use some IC help with that. Maybe find a way to ease her financial burden with a random "gift" and pay out her car or something. As a "gift". That would help her free up some money. Or if it's about a vacation and she feels she can't pony up her part, her view not mine or yours, then offer a vacation as a random family gift. Also, there may be subtle things you can say to help her feel like you see her financial contributions and are happy with them. Subtle. Not over the top. You basically need to work with a therapist to undo what's been done.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She has kids with another man, so I'm assuming she was divorced, widowed, or basically abandoned by some previous man. That experience likely caused her economic hardship. I believe I'd be reluctant to be dependent upon another man for my support if I had been in her shoes, regardless of how great that man might appear to be. 
As a man, you probably think in mostly rational terms but as a woman, how she feels about money is every bit as real as what the real bottom line is. If money represents security to her (and it probably does), having to get it from you probably makes her feel insecure. Losing control of her finances probably makes her feel insecure. You have money you earn and money your investments earn. She has money she earns. You might total all that and her "share" of the bills is the percentage of her total income compared to your total income (salary plus investments). That might reduce the share she feels she needs to contribute to bills and would increase her disposable income. Otherwise, you might sit her down, explain to her that her labor around the house has financial value, and agree that you will put extra in her account each month, not because she is a dependent, but because her labor has value and she has earned it. If she wasn't cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, you'd have to do it or pay someone else. I wouldn't pressure her to merge accounts because you want her to feel secure. You may be a knight and have a white horse and the whole get up. In the back of her mind, you might split tomorrow. 
Another, non-threatening, way around this would be to assign chores to these teenagers and pay them directly, requiring them to pay for their own discretionary expenses out of their earnings so your wife's money doesn't get siphoned off to her able-bodied teens. They'd learn money management and the value of work. They'd receive the pride of accomplishment and self-sufficiency, she'd probably appreciate the fact that you're helping turn her young men into productive citizens, etc.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Why not have a 3rd account you each put a pre-determined amount into every month? All bills are paid from that account. She can put in whatever she feels is fair, perhaps 30% of the total necessary expenses, and you put in 70% of the total. This would be to pay for mortgage, groceries, utilities, cars, clothing. She could have her own money for whatever extras she wants, and you have your own extra for whatever you want.

You have enough to fund some retirement savings which eventually will benefit her anyway. If she will allow it, you could pay for family vacations and other extras enjoyed by the entire family.

So this would give her the illusion that finances are separated. It would allow her to feel that she is paying her fair share. You could sell it to her as a compromise, whereby you can feel that there is a central shared financial account, and she can feel that she is maintaining independence.

Second marriages often have some sort of separation of finances. Usually though it would be the higher earner who wants to protect their assets in the event of a divorce. Also, there may be a desire to protect an estate so that one's biological children get their inheritance rather than step-children getting the inheritance.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

My thoughts:

1. I kind of admire your wife for this. My thought would be that it isn't necessarily about her kids from a previous marriage. She probably wants to feel like she's contributing equally, and that's her way of feeling like she's working with you to have the great life you do. 

2. I see where you're coming from too, and I think your approach might be a bit off. If it's important to her to feel like she's contributing equally (which is what it sounds like), then combining finances or taking over the bills would seem like you're taking away her ability to contribute. 

So, I think a good approach might be to sit down and have a good talk about it. I think it would be good to explain that you can see that paying half of everything makes her feel like she's contributing equally, it makes you feel like you -aren't- contributing equally, since those dollars mean so much more to her. If you can show that you're feeling just the same way she is, that might help her see the problem. 

If that isn't good enough to convince her, here's another idea: Perhaps instead of contributing to the mortgage payment, she could handle the accounting. It sounds like she's reliable, so YOU transfer YOUR portion of the expenses to HER account (or a third account just for expenses). Then she can make sure all the bills are paid, and it becomes a responsibility that she manages in exchange for you handling the mortgage payment (as an example). It might not sound like an equal deal when I say it, but if you come across like it would be a relief to you, it may be a way to help her to set aside any pride that might be interfering. I'm sure you could think of some other agreements that would work, if that one doesn't. 

Another idea: Suggest that she set aside money, whether it be for the kids' college funds, or for retirement, or for a family vacation, INSTEAD of paying half the utilities, or the car payment, or something else. She can save it in her own account. This way she is still contributing a similar amount of money, but she has the buffer in her accounts to handle random overdrafts and so on. 

But really, the main point is, this is something that's bothering you and you need to explain it to her that way. Instead of phrasing it as wanting to help her, phrase it in a way that shows you identify with her. You want to contribute to a fantastic shared life just as much as she does, but you can't, because of the current arrangement. You need to find a solution that works for both of you. 

Side note:

It sounds possible that your wife has some fear relating to the way her previous relationship ended - I say this because of her need to take care of her kids from the previous marriage by herself. Maybe it was tough on them and she feels she needs to protect them from it ever happening again. 

I don't think this is something that needs to be brought up or addressed - it sounds like you are supportive and provide emotional security, so I would expect that to self-resolve, especially once the kids leave home. Just something to consider, I guess. I might be wrong. I know nothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does the father of your step children pay child support? If so, where does that money get deposited? If not, why not?

Is your wife's name on your savings and checking accounts? If not, why not?


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