# Fiance has wandering eyes, praising mouth and takes pictures of women



## KLT (Mar 10, 2011)

I have been with my fiance for two years. When we met he was just getting over a relationship with a woman that he was deeply in love with. She dumped him. In the beginning, he called me her name numerous times. When he called me her name so much, I said we should cool it since I felt he needed time to mend his broken heart. He begged me to stay. So, I thought maybe we can work through this. As background, I am widowed young and have not been in the dating scene for a couple of decades. So dating was all very new to me and I didn't know what to expect. He is divorced. He has dated a few women since his divorce. I knew him from years ago. He called me about a year after my husband passed away. I was never going to date, just stay single and find myself again, but because I knew him and had dated him prior to meeting my husband I thought I would chance it.

What I have noticed is that he always looks at other women. At first I didn't know what was going on. I had never been in that type of situation before. He has looked them up and down behind his sunglasses, followed one in a store with me in tow and then looked over my head at the checkout lane to see where she went, has made an excuse to get a better view of a woman--one I saw before him. I waited to see what he would do when he finally saw her and he made an excuse to go get the mail, she was chatting with the mail lady in the alley from his apartment. I saw her from his apartment window in the upper level. He was gone like 10 minutes. He has looked over at women while we are both out eating at a restaurant and waitresses too. He has lingered over coffee at a local cafe when there was a pretty woman there. He bantered with the waitress (unbeknownst to her) to get her to say his name loud enough so this lady may hear her. His body language changed and became more open and relaxed. By the way, he never lingers over coffee. I have talked to him about his wandering eyes. He says I make such a big deal about it. He tells me he loves me every day and that he would never cheat. If any man did, I would be gone in a hearbeat. He knows that. He doesn't do drugs or drink. He can be a really decent guy. He is a hard worker.

He tells me how pretty his co-workers are, ex-girlfriends, like she was a beautiful, beautiful woman, had the perfect body and this one was soooo cute. Also, random women on the street or celebrities on the TV. Not a day goes by that he doesn't mention some woman being pretty. We were at a function and this girl had a title and was being acknowledged by the members. We just happened to be sitting by her and her parents. He said she is pretty. I said yes she is pretty. I wanted to say she is as pretty as that member down below us from the balcony is handsome, but I didn't want to start anything. I don't even think he realizes he says this stuff and I don't think it is intentional.

We went on a vacation together and I was going through our pictures and he had taken pictures of women in their bikinis frolicking on the beach and butt shots too. This man is 50 years old. To me it's voyeuristic and perverted. He says, I'm going to walk on the beach for a bit. Yeah, sure you are. I figured these are for his porn stash. My girlfriend said, well at least he isn't hiding it from you.

He said he had changed his passwords to me, but I noticed a file out that had his last ex-girlfriends birthdate as a password. I asked him about it. I was upset because he had told me a few months ago he had changed them. Later, he asked if he could keep that password.

At his folks cabin there is a picture of his ex-girlfriend up. Before we were engaged and me standing by him, he asked his folks where did (said her name) pictures go. They had put pictures of me up. They told him, you have a good deal here. I didn't want to say anything or make a scene. Later I saw his folks must have caved in and put a picture of her up with him in a boat. It's a far a way shot. I asked who is this. His mother said, oh, that's his cousin he took out on the boat. At first I believed them until I found pictures of them and that was one of them. His folks have covered up the picture as much as possible with other pictures I noticed. You can can tell they are uncomfortable with it.

I am living with him. But it is because of these very actions that I am hesitating getting married.

I've been laid off from my job too so I am trying to rebuild my life. It was a double whammy, my husband being in an accident, me getting laid off and then him passing away from his wounds. My world was turned upside down.

I realize no one is perfect. I'm just not sure what to do.


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## Starling (Feb 28, 2011)

His actions are very disrespectful. Looking at women every so often is normal. Going out of his way by following one through a store, with you present is just plain strange.

Three things are clear:
-He doesn't have insight into his own behavior
-He invalidates how you feel
-He has the mentality (at least where women are concerned) of a male on the cusp of puberty.



> He says I make such a big deal about it.


Invalidation, right there.

You need to tell him WHY this behavior is unacceptable, and how much it bothers you. In a nonconfrontational manner, of course. You're not his guy friend, why is he discussing the looks of his coworkers to you in the first place? Does he honestly think you care to hear it, or have something to add? Does he ever compliment you? How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot?


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## KLT (Mar 10, 2011)

He just stopped in for a quick bite to eat. He could tell I was bothered and kept asking me what was wrong.

I broke down and told him all the things that were bothering me. That for me it had gotten to the point that I did not want to even go out in public anymore wondering who he would be staring at next.

My late husband use to do the same thing, stare at women, and I am not about to endure that again in a marriage. It is publicly humiliating. I refuse to be a doormat.

I have viewed him as being very immature. The picture taking is something a 14 year old would do.

He does compliment me telling me I am beautiful. I know he is lying through his teeth, but he is being nice in that regard. I think him telling me about his co-workers being pretty is to make me jealous and/or to say, hey, there are other available women out there for him just to keep me on my toes.

Some boundaries need to be set. I will say this if they are crossed, I will leave. Why be miserable in a relationship. I'd rather be alone. All his actions have done is give me worried lines on my forehead.

I guess time will tell. What I am afraid will happen is that he will slip back into his old habits. What I have learned is that a leopard doesn't change it's spots.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Let me see, he intentionally.....

- follows women around stores
- goes out of his way to make contact with "good looking" women
- takes photos of bikini clad women he doesn't know 

He sounds like a real gem. It wouldn't matter to me how wonderful this man was in other areas, I would be seriously questioning whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a man who believes this kind of behaviour is acceptable when he knows it upsets his partner.

It is not normal behaviour. Noticing other women and grabbing a quick glance is normal....but going out of your way to engage in an "accidental" meeting or taking photos of strange women, is just plain creepy. As well as speaks volumes on how he views women in general. 

Major_Misfit (another poster here) has a great quote by Maya Angelou as their signature....

"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."

I kind of live by this....I allow people to show me who they are right from the beginning of getting to know each other. 

If something crops up that does not sit well with me, then I'll discuss it with them so they understand my views/feelings on it. I never ask them to change their habit/behaviour - I think that choice needs to come completely from them. If they choose to continue with the behaviour then I see that as an intentional disregard to my feelings and will then decide whether I can accept it in my life or whether I need to distance myself from them (ending the relationship usually).

I honestly believe that we can't make someone change who they are....that can only ever come from within them. So it's pointless (and painful at times) to even try. Better to allow them be who they are in their world and me be who I am in mine - even it means being alone.

Q. How many leopards does it take to change their spots?

A. Only one....but they really have to want to change them.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

KLT said:


> What I have noticed is that he always looks at other women. At first I didn't know what was going on. I had never been in that type of situation before. He has looked them up and down behind his sunglasses, followed one in a store with me in tow and then looked over my head at the checkout lane to see where she went, has made an excuse to get a better view of a woman--one I saw before him. I waited to see what he would do when he finally saw her and he made an excuse to go get the mail, she was chatting with the mail lady in the alley from his apartment. I saw her from his apartment window in the upper level. He was gone like 10 minutes. He has looked over at women while we are both out eating at a restaurant and waitresses too. He has lingered over coffee at a local cafe when there was a pretty woman there. He bantered with the waitress (unbeknownst to her) to get her to say his name loud enough so this lady may hear her. His body language changed and became more open and relaxed. By the way, he never lingers over coffee. I have talked to him about his wandering eyes. He says I make such a big deal about it. He tells me he loves me every day and that he would never cheat. If any man did, I would be gone in a hearbeat. He knows that. He doesn't do drugs or drink. He can be a really decent guy. He is a hard worker.


His behaviour is beyond weird. it is creepy and cruel to you.



> He tells me how pretty his co-workers are, ex-girlfriends, like she was a beautiful, beautiful woman, had the perfect body and this one was soooo cute. Also, random women on the street or celebrities on the TV. Not a day goes by that he doesn't mention some woman being pretty. We were at a function and this girl had a title and was being acknowledged by the members. We just happened to be sitting by her and her parents. He said she is pretty. I said yes she is pretty. I wanted to say she is as pretty as that member down below us from the balcony is handsome, but I didn't want to start anything. I don't even think he realizes he says this stuff and I don't think it is intentional.


He absolutely knows he does it. He is doing it because he is insecure and he wants you to be more insecure then him. 


> We went on a vacation together and I was going through our pictures and he had taken pictures of women in their bikinis frolicking on the beach and butt shots too. This man is 50 years old. To me it's voyeuristic and perverted. He says, I'm going to walk on the beach for a bit. Yeah, sure you are. I figured these are for his porn stash. My girlfriend said, well at least he isn't hiding it from you.


I think there are lots of men who behave like human beings and care about their women, and also treat all women with respect. He was supposed to be on vacation with you, instead he was behaving like revolting creep.

He said he had changed his passwords to me, but I noticed a file out that had his last ex-girlfriends birthdate as a password. I asked him about it. I was upset because he had told me a few months ago he had changed them. Later, he asked if he could keep that password.


> At his folks cabin there is a picture of his ex-girlfriend up. Before we were engaged and me standing by him, he asked his folks where did (said her name) pictures go. They had put pictures of me up. They told him, you have a good deal here. I didn't want to say anything or make a scene. Later I saw his folks must have caved in and put a picture of her up with him in a boat. It's a far a way shot. I asked who is this. His mother said, oh, that's his cousin he took out on the boat. At first I believed them until I found pictures of them and that was one of them. His folks have covered up the picture as much as possible with other pictures I noticed. You can can tell they are uncomfortable with it.


Again very bizzare, he is actively trying to hurt you, to lower your self esteem. there is something very wrong with him



> I am living with him. But it is because of these very actions that I am hesitating getting married.


Do not marry him.


> I've been laid off from my job too so I am trying to rebuild my life. It was a double whammy, my husband being in an accident, me getting laid off and then him passing away from his wounds. My world was turned upside down.
> 
> I realize no one is perfect. I'm just not sure what to do.


Nope no one is perfect. This guy is the furthest from it you could possible find. he has such low self esteem he needs to build it by tearing you down, and making out like other women want him. 

You do not have to put up with this behaviour, it's not OK. Tell him either it completely stops and he shows you every day how much you mean to him and how attracted he is to you or you walk. Make sure he doesn't twist things around, and make it clear that he is the one with the self esteem issues.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He can be very insecure and needy and yet very selfish at the same time. Jumping into a relationship with you rather than getting his act together when he was dumped is a sign he needs the "proof" of his own worth that having a partner seems to give him. Then he unashamedly treats women as objects for his viewing pleasure, in your presence. You are very smart to question what marriage to him will be like. At the very least, insist on pre-marital counseling. And consider walking away. Sounds like you know how to take care of yourself for the most part, but letting your partner treat you poorly is not part of that. Consider why you would agree to marry 2 men with such a behavior pattern.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Being a man with a high sex drive and a love for beautiful women, I also look at them when I get the chance.
I do not leer, ogle, or point them out to my wife. I don't take pictures, I don't tell her about hot women I've seen.
My wife knows that I love to look at pretty girls and she understands that I am a man. 
I do recall a time when "The Dukes of Hazzard" came on TV and when Jessica Simpson walked out in her Daisy Dukes, I sid, "Dam, she is sexy." But even that is further than I usually go. She looks at hot guys, too.

I can't believe that you've put up with this for 2 years.
You should make him an ex-boyfriend and find someone who appreciates you.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Stalker comes to mind.

Look - yes

Leer, take photo's secretly - no

Need to find a new fiance - if he is still doing it after 2 years, he will probably always be doing it.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Perv....


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## KLT (Mar 10, 2011)

Thanks everyone for responding. As Surfergirl indicated, I doubt that he will ever change. He is too old for that. He is what he is. I saw photos when he was with his last girlfriend, and although there weren't blatant pictures, there was one with a couple of teenagers at an event and one with his girlfriends SIL blow drying her hair. Why take a picture of a woman blow drying her hair? Weird. So it looks like it was starting back then if not earlier. Something I doubt the last girlfriend picked up on.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

DanF said:


> Being a man with a high sex drive and a love for beautiful women, I also look at them when I get the chance.
> I do not leer, ogle, or point them out to my wife. I don't take pictures, I don't tell her about hot women I've seen.
> My wife knows that I love to look at pretty girls and she understands that I am a man.
> I do recall a time when "The Dukes of Hazzard" came on TV and when Jessica Simpson walked out in her Daisy Dukes, I sid, "Dam, she is sexy." But even that is further than I usually go. She looks at hot guys, too.
> ...


This. I am a woman who loves to admire handsome men. I don't do that when I'm with my husband though. Such nonsense is cruel and incredibly rude. 
I'm sure Mr.G likes to look at cute women too. This is harmless. We all like to look at attractive people, however chasing them about when one is attached is just awful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

If you have problems now, they will multiply when you're married. Even small things that you never thought were problems. Marriage doesn't make it better.


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