# together 17 years... and then...



## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

married and happy for 17 years with 3 boys(16, 14, 11). 8 months ago, out of the blues while talking in bed, my wife confessed to having 2 flings (one night stand).

first time was 4 years into our marriage, with a co worker. the guy was younger and good looking. she claims that it only happened once and that she was really guilty. her reason was that she was in sales and she spent a lot of time with this guy and somewhere it just happened. 

second time was 10 years into our marriage, i was away, there was financial trouble with my business. she was with my friend / business partner, confiding our troubles, plus some alcohol. she claims that it only happened once, and she said that my friend tried to get to her again. her reason this time was that she was confiding to my friend and things got out of hand... plus some drinks too.

she swears that it only happened once with both guys. she also accepts that she is responsible for this sad events. she says that she confessed because she feels our relationship can hold up to this crisis. 

im torn apart with this reality. i thought i had the perfect family. my kids are great and i don't want them to go thru this hurt. i love my wife, but this is too much to recover from. 8 months and im still here. its always in my mind. i think its the kids that makes me stay.

i have this idea that when my youngest is like 17 then i'll move out. then i spare the kids all this hurt. i don't know if i can hold on that long. what hurts me more now is that my wife seems to not exert effort to have me back, its like everything is normal. my mind keeps on wondering, i lost trust in our union.


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## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

i feel like my wife divulged all this info and then its up to me to decide on what to do. she said that its all up to me. its like she does not care. im really concerned about my kids. they will really be affected if i leave.


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## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

when she confessed, does that mean anything?... sometimes i think it was better for me not to know, life was so much better... waiting all this years before confessing?... she said that if she confessed right away, i would have left... she did not want that... but see what happened... a second fling...

17 years.... now i feel like it is harder to leave her because of the time we spent with each other... and the time with my kids, i have to consider that too...

i hate this feeling...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

You know, My H waited 18 months to let me in on the fact he had an affair. He said the exact same thing. He said if he would have told me then I would have left. And I replied, Well at least I would have been given the option then. He brought up how he didn't know how he could tell me, and that he didn't want to hurt me. Well, if you don't want to hurt me, don't cheat on me LOL. Seems pretty easy, but oh well. 

I don't have any fabulous advice, but I will tell you that I have known for 3 months and we are working through it. We have identified where the breakdown was in the marriage and have set new boundaries for him and things like that. The pain won't just go away, but it can get easier. It all depends on whether or not you want it to. Do you know if you want to stay??


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## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

I want to stay because of my 3 wonderful boys, because life with her is great, because I have goals that I want to do with the family, because my family is great... But sometimes, I just want to give up everything because of the infidelity. Its tough... We do talk about it a lot...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

PlainJoe said:


> i feel like my wife divulged all this info and then its up to me to decide on what to do. she said that its all up to me. its like she does not care. im really concerned about my kids. they will really be affected if i leave.


There is nothing of benefit to you in your wife's mind, she is simply clearing her conscience and hoping for the best for her, it is very selfish purely, to be blunt.

She can continue to reap the social and material benefits of marriage to you, and do it with the clear conscience.

She is not emotionally connected to you, or else she would not have had the affairs of course, but also she would care today that you are hurting, which you are saying she does not care.

Now, the decision is for you to make, are you happy to spend the rest of your life with a woman that is not emotionally connected to you, and perhaps even does not respect you? 

I would not, but maybe that is just me.

So now your choice should be this, to either correct your relationship with your woman utterly, that is, to make it that she respects you, is emotionally connected to you and radically sexually attracted to you, is one choice.

The other choice is to cut this woman loose, and find another woman that will respect you, will be emotionally connected to you and will be radically sexually attracted to you.

Affairs can be forgiven and endured, this is understood, but happiness is what we are seeking. These infidelities will eat at you like a disease if you do nothing. 

If you are able to reconnect with your woman, in the way to see for yourself that these affair men have nothing on you in how you relate to your wife sexually and emotionally, then that is healing that can bring happiness.

If you do not reconnect with your woman in this way, you will always be jealous and wondering of these affair men, what about them did your wife see and experience, and a million other dark thoughts like this piling resentment on top of resentment, crushing your masculinity and any possible emotional connection with your woman.

I know it is hard right now to see the way forward. 

I wish you well.


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## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

Thanks for the input guys... It really helps to have someone to talk to... You are correct 100 percent... My other concern is that it did not take a lot for this men to get my wife... What guarantee do I have that she goes to a situation and there is another man there... It is her that is weak... I'm afraid that its going to happen again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

PlainJoe said:


> Thanks for the input guys... It really helps to have someone to talk to... You are correct 100 percent... My other concern is that it did not take a lot for this men to get my wife... What guarantee do I have that she goes to a situation and there is another man there... It is her that is weak... I'm afraid that its going to happen again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




The only "guarantee" you can bank on are these facts: 

1. A woman in a relationship will need to be emotionally connected to her man, if it is not her husband she will find it elsewhere. 

2. A woman is emotionally connected to a man she is sexually attracted to.

3. A woman is only emotionally connected to one man at a time.

So it is beneficial for the good man to know this, that this "emotional connection" flows with sexual attraction, is intertwined with it, where there is one, there is the other, and without one, there is not the other. 

Also this is what a woman says "her needs are not met" or such things, it is always the emotional connection that occurs with sexual attraction. 

And this is incredibly powerful for a woman, powerful enough for her to leave a "nice guy" husband in the dust without batting an eye, to have affair after affair, to risk everything for it, so strong is this drive in a woman.

Also it is powerful enough, when a good man in a relationship that is healthy and sexual and emotionally connected, for a woman to follow her man to the ends of the earth, even to they say, the gates of hell for her man, when this structure is in place. In such a relationship, there are no affair men.

It is simply this, affairs don't happen out of the blue, affairs come from a relationship that is already needing repair.


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## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

I feel that our relationship is great... How do I pinpoint the problem? 

I told her that the problem is her being an easy woman... I told her, for her not to get wet, stay away from water... For her not to fall again, stay away from situations that she knows will lead to bad things. Recognize situations... It happened 2 times already so she knows that she is capable of doing it... 

Its hard for a husband to have a wife that you know is capable of this act... A part of me wants to leave... Give up everything... Surely there's somebody out there that will treat me right...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

hey plain Joe, Did your wife say WHY she decided to tell you?
I REALLY LOVE the fact that she did.
You say you have a great relationship besides that so you guys should spend some time working on maybe WHY she did what she did and not focus so much on the affair itself.
You may be hung up on the principle of the thing. Seems you love her a lot. If thats true, anything is possible, including complete reconciliation and happiness.

good luck


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

PlainJoe,
Lets think about this as adults. In each situation your wife described there was an extended period of time where she/the other man had a build up of desire. During that time she knew she was at increased risk with these men and ultimately she decided to mix in ALCOHOL with her encounters leading immediately to her cheating on you. So she cannot claim that any of this was a surprise. 

After she told you - for how long did she actually exhibit REMORSE in front of you. What did she do to be extra nice to you to go the extra mile to make YOU happy? What was her PENNANCE?

Because telling you and making no effort to make it up to you. That shows a true lack of concern for your feelings. 




PlainJoe said:


> I feel that our relationship is great... How do I pinpoint the problem?
> 
> I told her that the problem is her being an easy woman... I told her, for her not to get wet, stay away from water... For her not to fall again, stay away from situations that she knows will lead to bad things. Recognize situations... It happened 2 times already so she knows that she is capable of doing it...
> 
> ...


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

It is great that your wife told you, even if you would rather have gone on in ignorance. But WHY did she tell you? Is her path of distancing herself saying something to you? What, if anything, have you demanded of her after this confession? (By that I mean, did she feel that she had to make it up to you or anything?)

There's a lot of things for you two to talk about besides the affair. I totally see that you're hurt, angry, betrayed. Does she see that? Would you consider counseling together?

You need to find out WHY she told you now. What does she really for your your future?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I wonder why out of the blue she told you this? maybe she just couldnt take the guilt anymore? You know I really wouldnt know what to do with that information. I think that your first step in ALL of this would be marriage Therapy of some sort. I dont think that you should stay in a marriage just for the kids. I mean it's good to keep your family together but. NOT because kids. there had to be love to. Or you will just show your kids a loveless bad marriage and you DONT want to repeat that.


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## furiouskitten (Jan 17, 2010)

If you love your wife and the life you have with her, then your stance is clear. The issue actually falls back to your wife, does she want you? Is your "forever" where she wants to be? You need to discuss this matter with her. 

I do not mean discuss the affairs. (If you are certain your place is at her side, if she's a willing participant, then you'll need to forgive and forget these events ever took place! It is imperative to move forward.) The affairs are irrelevant once your decision is made. You must discuss her happiness and your own. You must discuss the standards and boundries you have for eachother. You will need to know in your heart of hearts that she is dedicated to you and to your marriage together. 

Love is an amazing power, only if it's given the opprotunity to flourish. Find out what she requires from the relationship to be happy and faithful. You will also need to let her know the same. Parents spliting up is a hard event on the kids no matter the age. If you are unable to forgive and forget or the love is lost, then leave. Have a healthly friendship with her because it's the right thing to do and be there for your kids forever! Be happy with whatever discission you make, and move forward! 

Best of luck.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Please don't harm yourself by only being in it for the kids. It speaks volumes to me that she did these things so long ago - and nothing else in the last 7? Having 9/7/3 yr olds around takes its toll on anyone. Sounds like she didn't handle the stress well. I would strongly urge counseling. Explore: 
1. Why she didn't leave you before
2. Why she told you.
3. Why you didn't know when they were going on.
4. If you and if she wants to be with each other. The kids group up fast, then its just you two again. Do you want that.
5. Would you prefer to have never known?

Good luck.


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## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

Its been up and down for me since she told me. There are days that I'm ok, I function well. But there are days that I wish she's dead that way I don't have to explain anything to my kids. Usually when its a bad day, I will tell her the thing that upsets me and everything will be ok for a few days until something I thought off will piss me again.

She asked me if it was a a good idea to have told me. It put a huge strain in our marriage. I don't really know if knowing about the affair is beneficial. In my opinion, its good that she toild me so I can survey the landscape and know the real situation and decide from there. But, its tough to decide when you're full of anger and hate. 

She claims that the flings where lapses in her decisions in a specific situation and that she never had attachments to this men. That's the thing that bothers me, there will be another situation, different from the past, she might fall again. I told her this and she said that the difference now is that she can tell me situations and I can help her avoid it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Joe, She is a serial cheater. You are right to be concerned about future fidelity. Especially if she is not contrite enough. She asks "should I have told you" tell her "no you shouldn't have had the ONSs". How is her contrition. Does she weep? Is she clingy? These would at least be some encouragement.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I guess I'm selfish.......and different.........but unlike some that have replied I don't want to know!!!! I hope she would be safe and protection used etc, but if your off cheating 1 time every 5 years don't freaking tell me. If things seem great on the outside and my world is aweseome don't ruin it with a couple hours of misjudgement and then confess it. Of course I would wish it didn't happen, but if it did just once, keep it sealed away or go tell a priest, psych, etc. not me.:smthumbup:

My wife and I dated, engaged, off/on, for 7 years before we were married. We got drunk and told each other everyone we slept with all of those break ups and arguments and you know what? Best friends, coworkers, it sucked!! I don't want to do that crap again and don't ever want to know again!! I still tell her that. You want to get some new "freak on" go ahead cause I'm not paying child support for 4 kids nor am I divorcing you life is too good.

To be in the OP's position where he thought life was great and get blindsided sucks!! So, now life is still great except for this? 

*Are you guys still physical fun, fresh, ??? 
*Communication
*Date night
*Share dreams
*Plan future
*Family trip
*Husband/Wife trip

Is all of this happening? If so I would continue to work through it hands down and in her eyes she probably was just clearing her conscious and is sorry...... considering it a mute point water under the bridge. I disagree with the "emotional connection" part because if these were truly one night stands that's all they were once night stands.

Mistakes happen guys!! Affairs aren't murder there not child molestation..........they can be worked through we've all been tempted and hopefully we all can stay faithful!! Good luck!!

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!! **Granted if I was the sole bread winner making a few 100k/yr things would be different, IMO**


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your wife told you about something in the past to take the focus off something happening now or soon to happen.

She is a serial cheater who just like taking on stray from time to time.

I am positive that there is way more than what she told you about.

I do not like the fact that she puts the onus on you to keep her in the corral?

If I were you I would start looking into her activities: time, phone, texting, facebvook, email. and do it without her knowing about it.

She has presented this bomb of information to you as if it is all wrapped up and over. Sorry to tell you, but you are at the beginning of a sad journey.

Your discoveries are not over by a long shot.

Thje ball is in your court. Do you really want a wife who so easily has random sex with other men?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

^^^^^^^^^^^
Do you really want to go through all of that? Really? Snooping, doubting, wondering, accusing, sniffing, questioning, does that sound fun? Scew that!!!!! You guys can do that stuff and drive yourselves crazy no way in hell I would do that crap....that will drive you nuts.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Didn't say to do it forever. Just to clarify. Investigate to find out the real situation so you can make an informed decision.

Your wife is the only one who knows the score, you only know what she has told to you.


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## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

When I confront her with questions she shuts up for like a day and keeps herself busy by cleaning the house then she will be sweet to me. She will avoid the conversation to go to the topic. It drives me crazy. 

I want to move out, leave kids with her. I deserve more. What do u think will happen to my 16, 14, 11 year old boys?. I want to bring them with me, but I know I can't handle them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

Alexandra said:


> It is great that your wife told you, even if you would rather have gone on in ignorance. But WHY did she tell you? Is her path of distancing herself saying something to you? What, if anything, have you demanded of her after this confession? (By that I mean, did she feel that she had to make it up to you or anything?)
> 
> There's a lot of things for you two to talk about besides the affair. I totally see that you're hurt, angry, betrayed. Does she see that? Would you consider counseling together?
> 
> You need to find out WHY she told you now. What does she really for your your future?


Alexandra are you nuts!?!?!

no, negative, incorrecto .......nada


no no no in no way was it "great that your wife told you" that is so not true

your wife told you for one reason........she has had to bear the guilt of what she has done all this time and now wants you to carry a bit of it for her.....

the truly noble thing to do if you make a mistake is to bear the burden alone, sharing it is very very self indulgent..........it was self indulgent enough to have the affair, now she wants you to pay for her actions

you would be well within your rights to leave her when the kids get older

the sanctity of your marriage is now forever tarnished.. you nor she can turn back the clock........that part of your marriage is over

now that that is clear

maybe you don't want to leave.......certainly you've said things are 'great' between you two

if you can find it in your heart to forgive and move on then you'll be better for it as a strong house is built on a foundation of time......and you've got lots of time invested

we all have imperfections......your wife has hers you have yours....if you can love her in spite of hers then you are the stronger of the two and can make your marriage work

my vote is to stick with it and try to be strong, it is a shame she shared that with you though


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## Banff (Feb 8, 2010)

PlainJoe said:


> I want to stay because of my 3 wonderful boys, because life with her is great, because I have goals that I want to do with the family, because my family is great... But sometimes, I just want to give up everything because of the infidelity. Its tough... We do talk about it a lot...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ditto

I feel the same way - torn. I know what I want - but the road is tough - and sometimes I wonder if I am up to the challange. If you get a chance read the thread "how we survived infidelity" in the long marraige success section - he does a great job of explaining his / our common situation.


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## whatliesahead (Nov 3, 2009)

Similar situation for me, wife told me of her affair that happened 25 years ago just a few weeks ago. Some people might believe something that happened in the past is not as painful as something more recent; however, I have found this not to be true. You realize you were deceived and lied to for many years, what should be good memories are now tainted. You also feel you weren't given the opportunity to decide to stay or leave when the events happened.

My wife gave the same reasons for not telling, afraid I would leave (probably true), that I would be hurt (like it doesn't hurt now?), etc. In her case I believe she is sincere in her regret and very sorrowful. My experience thus far is that this will take a while to reconcile with myself and with my wife. We are both trying, but you are right in that it is difficult. As my wife says, she did something very wrong and I am the one to bear the brunt, and for that she is extremely sorrowful.

In the end I guess it all comes down to whether you want to stay in the relationship or give up all you have invested. In my case I know I still love my wife, we both know the road to reconcilation will be difficult, but she is more than willing and I am willing to try.


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