# Wife cheats for second time, this time with a woman.



## Magik (Jul 23, 2012)

Well... Where do I begin? I guess I'll begin by saying, My wife has cheated on me once with her ex-boyfriend, and once with her new "friend".. 

First things first. My wife and I got married after only 6 weeks of dating/living together, and only 7 weeks of knowing each other. My wife is a manic depressive from stuff that has happened in her childhood, and I am a anxiety filled know it all. When we fell, we fell hard for each other, and everything happened so fast, but I was just so addicted to the feeling, that everything I have ever learned about patience went out the window.

How I know she cheated on me the first time?
Well, she had this friend, we will call her "J", that she had met in a local psychological clinic that she had to stay at for a week about 6 months into our Marriage. J was a drug addict, that got thrown in that place for overdosing, and my wife for suicide notes, and the infamous "cutting". I knew this was a bad decision to let them hang out, but I am a pushover and want to do everything I can for my Wife. Christmas night she said she was going to stay with J, I didn't want her to so I told her, and she said she was going anyway, that she needed to watch J to make sure she didn't kill herself. I can't say no to that because it was somewhat true, so I just shrugged my shoulders and went into the bedroom. An hour in, I can't sleep. So I get up and start cleaning. about 20 minutes into that, I can't clean anymore because it's driving me crazy, so I hop in the car and drove towards J's house. I get to J's house, my wife's car isn't there. At this point my heart was beating so fast and I was getting so angry that I thought my body was just going to pop. So I call her as I'm driving towards her ex-boyfriends. She answered and I asked "hey can I come see you and kiss you?" she told me no, that she would be home in a little bit. and I said "well I cant sleep, can I just come over there?" she told me no again, and said if she was gone for another 45 minutes I could come. As I arrived at her Ex-boyfriends I saw her car... so I lost it and told her to come outside. We argued and I told her that all of her stuff better be out of the apartment that night then left. We separated for 2 weeks, and then she called me saying that if I don't let her see me that she will call my boss and tell him of some things that would get me into a load of trouble. So I let her back in my life... Things were great for a couple of weeks, then they started getting horrible again.

Just yesterday, while we were on our last day of vacation, I asked my wife when she was sleeping if I could use her phone because mine was dead, and that I wanted to catch a good picture of the beautiful sunrise on the beach. On the way back, I checked her text messages, and saw a conversation from her female friend "F". It looked like a convo between 2 teenagers in love... So I lost it again, started on a rampage back to our room that we were sharing with her parents, then calmed myself down, and made sure that I left the messages open, so that she would know I went through her phone. Woke her up and told her that I was going to breakfast with her parents. She came to breakfast a little late, probably 10 minutes in, then sat down, after a short conversation with her, she got up to get herself food, and whispered in my ear "I know you went through my phone" and I whispered back saying yes. We got some alone time after breakfast, and I still was trying everything I could to keep calm. I asked her if she was hooking up with F, and she denied it and denied it. Then after minutes of prodding, she admitted to having feelings for her. and then I knew it, for certain, that she had cheated on me again.... So I prodded more and more and more and MORE. She then told me that she had sex with F, and that she thinks shes gay. I was still calm... Unrealistic calm... I think I had finally come to the terms that I knew would make our relationship end.. I then played happy go lucky for the rest of the trip until we got home. When we got home, I started talking about it. and I told her that if she isn't willing to try anymore that she needs to leave, because I couldn't make her. she asked "do you want me to leave?" I said "If you aren't going to try with everything you have, then yes... I do want you to leave"... Now I am typing this, and she is outside, waiting for the child that she babysits to go home, so she can pack her things...

I guess the real reason why I found this forum, and typed this message lies covered. I don't know what I'm going to gain from it, or what other people are going to gain from it. I just really needed to get it off my chest. and I appreciate everyone of you that read this and comment....


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Next time set yourself a time limit of 2 years dating before marriage.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You did the best thing. Let her go. Go right ahead and vent.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Welcome, Magik! There are a few things that jumped out to me in your post:



Magik said:


> So I call her as I'm driving towards her ex-boyfriends. She answered and I asked "hey can I come see you and kiss you?" she told me no, that she would be home in a little bit. and I said "well I cant sleep, can I just come over there?" she told me no again, and said if she was gone for another 45 minutes I could come.


This doesn't sound like a 'normal' husband/wife interaction...You basically begging to come kiss her and her rejecting the idea. 



Magik said:


> We separated for 2 weeks, and then she called me saying that if I don't let her see me that she will call my boss and tell him of some things that would get me into a load of trouble. So I let her back in my life... Things were great for a couple of weeks, then they started getting horrible again.


This is bad. She threatens/bribes you to get her way? This is something an enemy does...not your wife! 

I think you did the right thing by demanding that she either invest in you and the marriage 100% or move on. It sounds as though you want her to be happy whether it ends up being with you or not whereas she seems to have an issue with empathy and understanding what she is putting you through when she lies and cheats.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Magik said:


> My wife and I got married after only 6 weeks of dating/living together, and only 7 weeks of knowing each other. My wife is a manic depressive from stuff that has happened in her childhood ...


Sounds like you got your wife during one of her manic phases, when life was all sunshine and roses. BTW, manic depression is a mental illness that occurs due to a chemical imbalance in the brain; not from stuff that occurs in childhood. A 2000 study in the _American Journal of Psychiatry_ reported "in those with bipolar disorder, two major areas of the brain contain 30 percent more cells that send signals to other brain cells." This report theorizes that "the extra signal-sending cells may lead to a kind of overstimulation, which makes sense considering the symptoms of bipolar disorder."






Magik said:


> When we fell, we fell hard for each other, and everything happened so fast, but *I was just so addicted to the feeling*, that everything I have ever learned about patience went out the window.


Well, falling in love with the feeling of love, which is (in reality) lust, kinda blinded you to the red flags. So, some of the responsibility for this debacle lies with you jumping on the bandwagon too fast. Yes, you are the wronged party in this situation, but this "situation" may never have occurred if you had exercised the patience needed to let the relationship develop.

If you feel the need to vent, by all means, please do. It's cathartic. You are also anonymous here. Don't go beating yourself up over this. People make mistakes. Nothing wrong with that. The only problem occurs when people don't learn from their mistakes.

I have the feeling you have learned a very valuable lesson.


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## Magik (Jul 23, 2012)

keko said:


> Next time set yourself a time limit of 2 years dating before marriage.





anchorwatch said:


> You did the best thing. Let her go. Go right ahead and vent.





swedish said:


> Welcome, Magik! There are a few things that jumped out to me in your post:
> 
> 
> This doesn't sound like a 'normal' husband/wife interaction...You basically begging to come kiss her and her rejecting the idea.
> ...


Thank you all, Especially you Swedish


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## Magik (Jul 23, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Sounds like you got your wife during one of her manic phases, when life was all sunshine and roses. BTW, manic depression is a mental illness that occurs due to a chemical imbalance in the brain; not from stuff that occurs in childhood. A 2000 study in the _American Journal of Psychiatry_ reported "in those with bipolar disorder, two major areas of the brain contain 30 percent more cells that send signals to other brain cells." This report theorizes that "the extra signal-sending cells may lead to a kind of overstimulation, which makes sense considering the symptoms of bipolar disorder."
> 
> 
> Well, falling in love with the feeling of love, which is (in reality) lust, kinda blinded you to the red flags. So, some of the responsibility for this debacle lies with you jumping on the bandwagon too fast. Yes, you are the wronged party in this situation, but this "situation" may never have occurred if you had exercised the patience needed to let the relationship develop.
> ...


Yes, her family is all taking anti-depressants, or needs to. One thing I made certain was to not do "bedroom things" for a while.. That then turned into her almost breaking up with me because she thought there was something wrong with her. So I did the bedroom things with her not just because I had to, but I did want to, I was just trying to hold out...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Magik said:


> Yes, her family is all taking anti-depressants, or needs to. One thing I made certain was to not do "bedroom things" for a while.. That then turned into her almost breaking up with me because she thought there was something wrong with her.


So there is mental instability in her family. I assume you knew some of that during your whirlwind courtship. Or perhaps you just found her family to be a bit odd or dysfunctional; after all, whose family isn't?

I don't get why you putting off doing "bedroom things" would make her want to break up with you. Because you weren't doing these "things" (whatever that may be ...) she thought something was wrong with HER?:scratchhead:

Actually, there was and is something wrong with her. But was she trying to guilt you into having sex with her so she would feel "right"?


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## Magik (Jul 23, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> So there is mental instability in her family. I assume you knew some of that during your whirlwind courtship. Or perhaps you just found her family to be a bit odd or dysfunctional; after all, whose family isn't?
> 
> I don't get why you putting off doing "bedroom things" would make her want to break up with you. Because you weren't doing these "things" (whatever that may be ...) she thought something was wrong with HER?:scratchhead:
> 
> Actually, there was and is something wrong with her. But was she trying to guilt you into having sex with her so she would feel "right"?


She thought the reason I wasn't having sex with her was because I didn't find her attractive. Sorry I have to keep on editing these.. I just don't want her looking over my shoulder while I'm typing this...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There is something wrong with her, she is serial cheater. 

Stay strong here and do not let her threaten or guilt you into staying. She sounds like a very seriously disturbed person without any remorse.

Get a very good lawyer and protect yourself, and protect your money today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Magik (Jul 23, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> There is something wrong with her, she is serial cheater.
> 
> Stay strong here and do not let her threaten or guilt you into staying. She sounds like a very seriously disturbed person without any remorse.
> 
> ...


Along with our Whirlwind of a relationship, and me being horrible with money... Getting a very good lawyer isn't really in my budget...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She had her chance and she blow it, time to move on and let her go.
I'm sure the 1st time it happened you told if it happened again she was gone, you even gave her a 2nd chance to choose between you or OW and she choose the OW. 

When is your lawyers appointment?


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Don't let the door hit her in the as* when she leaves !!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Magik said:


> Along with our Whirlwind of a relationship, and me being horrible with money... Getting a very good lawyer isn't really in my budget...


Get any lawyer you can, but get her gone. Why wood you think that this is all there has been? What I mean what are the odds that you just happened to catch her the only two times and people she's chosen to cheat with? Both times you caught her by pure luck. There has likely been a long string of people she's been cheating with.

Get STD tested immediately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Magik (Jul 23, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Get any lawyer you can, but get her gone. Why wood you think that this is all there has been? What I mean what are the odds that you just happened to catch her the only two times and people she's chosen to cheat with? Both times you caught her by pure luck. There has likely been a long string of people she's been cheating with.
> 
> Get STD tested immediately.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She gave me HPV... I'm telling you, my life has been a living nightmare.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How long were you married?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Magik said:


> She gave me HPV... I'm telling you, my life has been a living nightmare.


F*ck. She might accuse you of domestic abuse, be careful. And there might be other guys/women you don't know about.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Magik said:


> My wife is a manic depressive from stuff that has happened in her childhood.... and my wife for suicide notes, and the infamous "cutting".


Magik, I agree with Prodigal that childhood abuse or trauma does not result in bipolar disorder (i.e., manic depression). Such abuse sometimes does result, however, in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Moreover, the "cutting" you mention is strongly associated with BPD. A recent psychiatric study (pub. 2004) concludes that:Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma. See Understanding those who se... [J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI.​I also note that another recent psychiatric study (pub. 2008) finds that half of the bipolar-1 sufferers also have full-blown BPD. See Table 2 at Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Borderline Personality Disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions.

I therefore suggest you take a look at my brief description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread to see if most of those behavioral symptoms sound familiar. My three posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Magik.


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## Magik (Jul 23, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> How long were you married?


That would be a year as of August 12 2012


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## dblackberry (Jul 24, 2012)

What can you do brother.? when a women wants to do stg. they will do it regardless. They will do it anyways while she is blaming you for it, while she is calling you names, while she find a reason to fight wuth you . When a woman wnats to do smtg. you will be the one always gonna be the blame. I am sorry that you have experienced the cheating part. 
Regardless what she does it is always hard to swallow the truth.
dennis


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## Magik (Jul 23, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Magik, I agree with Prodigal that childhood abuse or trauma does not result in bipolar disorder (i.e., manic depression). Such abuse sometimes does result, however, in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Moreover, the "cutting" you mention is strongly associated with BPD. A recent psychiatric study (pub. 2004) concludes that:Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma. See Understanding those who se... [J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI.​I also note that another recent psychiatric study (pub. 2008) finds that half of the bipolar-1 sufferers also have full-blown BPD. See Table 2 at Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Borderline Personality Disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions.
> 
> I therefore suggest you take a look at my brief description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread to see if most of those behavioral symptoms sound familiar. My three posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Magik.


Uptown,
I definitely researched BPD, and told her that she might have it.. She has a recurring 3 month Psychiatrist appointment, the next one is coming up at the beginning of August and we were going to ask the Psychiatrist if she might have it, because the anti-depressants are only taking the edge off of what is really going on in her head. If she wouldn't have cheated on me again, then maybe we could of got her the help that she needs... but that's up to her now, being as I am done.


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## Magik (Jul 23, 2012)

dblackberry said:


> What can you do brother.? when a women wants to do stg. they will do it regardless. They will do it anyways while she is blaming you for it, while she is calling you names, while she find a reason to fight wuth you . When a woman wnats to do smtg. you will be the one always gonna be the blame. I am sorry that you have experienced the cheating part.
> Regardless what she does it is always hard to swallow the truth.
> dennis


I had a little trouble reading your post, but I decrypted it. And you are right, it is hard to swallow...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Magik said:


> That would be a year as of August 12 2012


Get an annulment. This is a train wreck!!


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## Magik (Jul 23, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Get an annulment. This is a train wreck!!


Can't.. Already looked into it the first time I was planning on divorce.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Magik said:


> Uptown,
> I definitely researched BPD, and told her that she might have it.. She has a recurring 3 month Psychiatrist appointment, the next one is coming up at the beginning of August and we were going to ask the Psychiatrist if she might have it.


Magik, if your W is a high functioning BPDer, it is prudent to avoid telling her about it. (Typically, a BPDer will simply project the accusation back onto you, believing that YOU are the one having strong BPD traits.) Instead of telling her, it usually is best to simply encourage her to see a psychologist and let him decide what to tell her.

it is unlikely, however, that her psychiatrist will tell her -- much less tell you -- the name of her disorder if she has BPD. In another thread, I give four reasons for why therapists usually are loath to tell a BPDer client the name of her disorder. If you are interested, please see my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-official-im-getting-divorced.html#post811909.

Given that you "are done" with her, you may not much care what her problem is at this point. Yet, if you really do want to know, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion on what you've been dealing with is to see a different clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself. Relying on your W's psychiatrist for advice during the marriage is as foolish as relying on her attorney's advice during the divorce. It is important to get advice from a professional who is ethically bound to protect _your_ interests, not hers.


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