# What do YOU think of this. Please.



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

Ok, so DH and I separated. He helped me move all my stuff and has been very helpful. 
However, as time goes on he is having a very hard time with this. He is ridiculously insecure, even worse than before. He lashes out at me, yelling, blaming, accusing. 
When I took the kids school shopping, I bought a new shirt for myself. It was a green V-neck sweater with a modestly low cut in the front. If I put a camisole under the sweater, you can't even see it. 
So I went home for lunch the FIRST day I ever wore it and DH 'pops in' (which we agreed not to do to each other) while I'm there doing some chores. 
The first thing he did was glare at my shirt and say in a nasty tone, "Wow, that's a really low cut shirt." This is an age old problem for us, him trying to control what I wear right down to the type of underwear I leave the house in. 
I said, "No it's not, it's a nice shirt." And he just gave me a nasty look, growled, "Whatever," and spun out of the driveway. 

So later that night, I called up one of my friends and told her what had happened. Keep in mind that he didn't let up about this. He called me and complained about the shirt twice more that afternoon and accused me of 'putting myself out there' and trying to look sexy. 
I told her that he was still smothering me even though we split up, that he wasn't giving me the space I needed and that he blew up at me over the new shirt I bought. He basically would not leave me alone. 

A day or so later, he apologized and we began to get along again. 

Fast forward to this weekend. He invited me over for pizza and beer. I had to buy the pizza AND the beer. It started out ok. But then he started asking me questions about a client of mine that he thinks I have a 'thing' for. I don't. The man is old enough to be my father. And he's a CLIENT. I got sick of being interrogated so I went to grab my beer out of his fridge (we drink different brands) and leave. He pushed the fridge shut before I could get into it and said, "Thanks for the beer." 
Whatever, right? So I go to grab my smokes and he grabs those too, and throws them behind the couch. "Thanks for the smokes." 
So now I was determined to just get the hell out of there. I reached for my purse, and guess what he did. Yep, "Thanks for the purse, *****. It's going in the lake." And he stormed outside with my purse. He came back in a minute later and said my purse was in the lake. I didn't believe him so I went outside to try to find where he hid it. Except when I tried to grab a flashlight he snatched it out of my hand and said it was his and I couldn't use it. When I turned on the porch lights, he turned them off as soon as I went out the door. 
After about a half hour, he finally gave it back to me. He hadn't thrown it in the lake. And, if you can believe it, he thought the fact that he didn't throw my purse in the lake made him a GOOD GUY. 
Then he later apologized and we ended up together the next afternoon. Saturday morning. I'm outside at my house and a neighbor stops by to meet me and say hello. He's a much older man (maybe 70) and he rides a motorcycle. He seemed nice enough. We had a brief conversation and he left. 
So I casually mention this encounter to DH. He FREAKED OUT because I didn't tell this man I was married. Well, the topic didn't come up. We didn't go into details about each other's personal live. DH called me names, asked for every piece of jewelry back that he'd ever given me, (including my ring) and said "Why don't you go home and wait for your next guest!" I stood in front of him with my jewelry in my hand and told him if he wanted it, he could take it out of my hand right now and I wouldn't try to stop him. He didn't take it. He acted like he was about to burst into tears, but I couldn't feel sorry for him. 
So I left. 
Sunday. 
He called to say how sorry he was for the whole weekend, and that he's just having a really hard time and please forgive him. He acted nice as pie last night and this morning. 
Then I get a call at work. 
He's devastated because he found out that I had that initial conversation with my friend. 
He said it was a total betrayal toward him that I would 'talk sh*t' about him behind his back. 
He said I crossed the line this time. 

This has been a problem with us for years. He doesn't want me to talk about him with my friends. I think it's natural for a woman (or man) to want to vent to her friends when she's upset. 

If he knew I was posting this here, he would go off like an atom bomb. 

But right now, I'm so tired of all this, I'm seriously considering just hanging up on this whole relationship. 

Please tell me what you think.


----------



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

When he told me on Sunday that he thought we made a mistake by separating, I told him I didn't think so. That was a very hard thing to say. Even after all this, it was so hard to say that to him.


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

He's Psychotic?? Sorry but I read stuff like this and say why the hell am I in my situation??? Any way.. He is so controlling its sick. I would get a restraining order against him.. This will protect you and force him to adjust to giving you space. I hate to see the extremes but its the only way I think.. You keep brining him back in... You need to avoid him for a while..


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Tell him you need your space as he's too controlling.

Then, quit going over to his house. Quit allowing him in your house. 

Set your boundaries clearly and live them.


----------



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

But do you think he had a right to get angry with me over talking to my friend? I'll admit, I'm upset with her because she blabbed about it at the hair salon thinking there was no one in there that knew us, but they did. 

Is it normal for me to want to vent about him to my friends? I really need to know because this is something that he's NEVER allowed me to do, but I did it anyway on occasion (just because if I didn't talk to SOMEBODY I thought I'd explode.) 

It's always been an issue. I suspect he doesn't want me telling anybody how he acts because he's afraid they'll tell me to leave him. Plus, he feels like EVERYBODY has to like him. He's very insecure. 

What do you think of that?


----------



## brighteyes72 (Nov 16, 2008)

Tell me about you relationship in the past. Was there infidelity? Anything to upset trust? Think, anything?


----------



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

On my part:
When we first started dating about seven years ago, I was dating someone when I met DH. I was seeing (read: sleeping with *safely*) both of them for a few weeks before I broke it off with the other guy. DH knows about this and uses it against me because I didn't TELL the two guys about each other. I was single, I didn't think I needed to. Nothing even remotely scandalous has happened since. 
On his part:
He kissed my brother's neighbor (a girl ten years his junior) after we had been married for about three years. He says all he did was kiss her but my brother told me he thinks they slept together, but has no proof. He hasn't seen or heard from her in years, and I forgave him for it. He said it was his subconscious way of getting back at me for the dating thing. 

That's all there is as far as infidelity issues. 

Thank you all for your responses.


----------



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

*FYI: DH found out that I had been dating that other man by reading my diary. 
*sigh*


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He has no right to control you...especially during the separation. The fact is that you have gotten used to his behavior and now question your "rights" now that he's gone. 

The problem is he really isn't gone. He is separated but coming over at will and telling you what do do. Yes. He is still your husband but the reason for your separation is to figure out things. 

You both need to figure out things, on your own, without each others influence. Otherwise, nothing will change or get settled. You will end up driving each other crazy.

What is the point of the separation?


----------



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

Well, I haven't heard from him yet. It's so weird because I want to talk to him and explain myself for venting to a friend. But realistically, I know he won't listen and doesn't care. That coupled with the way he's treated me makes me NOT want to talk to him. I don't know what to do so I guess I'll just live my life.


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Ignore him completely. You have to find some peace for your own sake.. Let him go nuts..


----------



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

I think that what it boils down to is that he had it so good with me, and now he's starting to realize it. He's freaking out because he's afraid he's messed up the best thing in his life and now it's too late. Well, really, it's not too late. 
But the way he's going nuts is pushing me away more than bringing us closer. I had a feeling it might end up like this. 

He never had to lift a finger. He never had to pay a single bill. He drank beer and went fishing and worked hard only when he felt like it. 

And now he has to clean his own house, do his own wash and pay his own bills. I don't think he loves it. 

Yeah, now that he's broke as hell and has WAY less control over me, NOW he thinks we made a mistake separating. That's not how he acted when I was moving. He thought it was a GREAT idea and cheerfully helped move all my stuff, even saying he couldn't wait until I was gone because he was excited as I was about having independence. 

That's all changed now. I guess we'll see what happens.


----------



## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

take the high road and let him be the one dwelling on what is lost. I cant believe that you are blaming any of this on yourself. feeling guilty or even wanting to talk to him after being told he is so controlling. He needs professional help and only if he finds it in himself to go for the righ reasons not for someone else telling him. For now keep working on you and make him realize the changes in you are for the better, try your hardest to get rid of the controlling thing, if he sees that as a weakness he will keep going after it.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Did you leave because he is controlling? Is he willing to see someone about his own issue?


----------



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

I left for a lot of reasons, but that was a really big one. He'd never go 'see someone' about anything because he thinks he's perfect. There is so much wrong with our relationship. It's crazy because this weekend when he was telling me that 'we' made a mistake with this separation, he said that there was no reason for me to move out. He acted like we didn't have issues. 

He says whatever will suit his needs at the time, and that's just stupid. The result of him acting like that is that I get confused, he says contradicting things all the time. 

Like he'll say something and then an hour later tell me he never said it. And ARGUE with me over it until I give up! This is a big part of why I wanted out, too. He's freaking relentless with interrogations and just arguing until I give in and either agree with him, or say I'm sorry, or basically do whatever it is he wants done. 

THEN, (get this), he's all mad because I'm just 'telling him what he wants to hear' when I apologize or agree with him. Do you see how I can't do ANYTHING to avoid fighting with him?

Grr. Now I'm getting upset just thinking about it.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

If someone's words don't add up, look at their actions. So keep your eye on that ball and you won't get confused.

If there's nothing wrong with the relationship he should have no problem going to see someone to get a second opinion on his diagnosis (to confirm it of course, ha ha.)

Listen, when he gets ridiculous and contradictory in talking, shut down the conversation. Just stop. I've started that with my teenager and it works wonders, at least for me!


----------



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

I tried to ignore him, but he called me last night. I had left a message on his machine Monday night, just saying goodnight. But apparently I said I would call him tomorrow. I don't remember saying that. Anyway, he called last night around 10:00 and was VERY upset that I hadn't called him. I didn't say much. He just said that I needed to think about what I wanted. But the thing is we've already been over this. I want a separation. I don't want to have to call him and let him know every time I run to the store, or get his approval if I want to get together with my brother, or get his advice about every issue I have with my kids (his step-kids). I want to be able to think on my own and for myself. I sure as hell don't want to get his approval for every shirt I buy. 

My co-worker who was out the day I wore my new shirt saw it today (the first time I've worn it since he got all upset about it, I guess I'm feeling bold- usually when he disapproves of something I've chosen to wear, I never wear it again). 

She's probably sixty or sixty-five, and she noticed it right away. She said it looked really sharp. Now I don't think a sixty-year old (and very conservative) woman would compliment me on a shirt that was inappropriate. 

How sad is it that I'm still so worried about this shirt issue? Seriously, I'm paranoid that I'll see him at some point today with this shirt on and he'll want to end the relationship over it. 

I guess maybe part of me WANTS that to happen.


----------

