# Should l be worried about ex's depression ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Hey folks.
Before we split my ex was seriously depressed and going into early menopause m 38 , for about 12 mths. She hid it all that whole time and made like everything was rosey.
Well , 2yrs , she's still seriously depressed and still covering , we're divorced these days.

I still see her a few times a wk coming and going for d and a wk back l noticed a pile of pills on the table under stuff. I looked them up when l got home as she's been popping some pretty heavy stuff for the last few years.
They're a very strong anti depressant and she looks like she has enough to feed an army . She's also a nurse and she can get hold of stuff so if she wants more than the doc prescribes she can always get hold of stuff.
We've kept things on good terms right through bewteen us , especially for the best co parenting we can manage. l wouldn't say we're best friends or anything as we're both pretty guarded these days about anything to much into our own lives. And of course things are a bit strange to with everything that's happened . But she never hesitates to help if there's something l need or to speak up in my defense or look out for me if she suspects l might need it and l do the same for her and it's pretty clear we both still have at least something there.

So , , this is really worrying me . She's been on this stuff for years now , all kinds of crap. When we first split she was on massis of stuff yet covered the whole time with this happy face crap and even now , everything's suppose to be just hunky doory but after seeing all this crap on the table well.

Do you think l should do something or try to help , offer to be there , I dunno ?
Then there's also the fact that she's the mother of my daughter who is in her care a lot of the time . If she can't cope or something , l want her to know l'm here for them both but of course my daughter to if she needs a hand or a break or something .


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My ex, who is also severely depressed and the last I spoke to him in May was refusing treatment. I reached out to one of his sisters and voiced my concern and she said she would look into it. That's about as much as I'm doing here. In your case, I would suggest telling her that you are aware of her medications, and anytime she feels she can't handle being a parent you are there for her.

I don't know if this was true in your situation, but in my case having to "handle" my ex during the marriage was a major problem. I became a real co-dependent and believed I had responsibility for his mental health. Well, of course now I know I'm not responsible. I didn't make him depressed and I can't heal him.

I'll also add that we don't co-parent. He hasn't seen the kids in ten months, and before that it was nine months with no visits. He does not communicate with the kids. No doubt this may be part of his illness. So I don't have to worry about the welfare of my girls, something that must way heavy on your mind. 

Is your daughter in counseling. There are some groups for kids of depressed parents that might be helpful.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just keep an open line of communication with your daughter to make sure she is taken care of.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Just keep an open line of communication with your daughter to make sure she is taken care of.


My favorite phrase these days!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

This is only your problem in 2 ways and both because of your daughter. First is there are prescription drugs in an area she can access. That can be dangerous. Kids will take all kinds of stuff - now they have "skittle" parties where kids all bring several Rx drugs from their house, toss them into a baggie (hence skittle with all of the different colors) and randomly take stuff/assorted combinations.

Secondly, she might not be able to parent well. Keep an eye on both.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Whitehawk, I don't want to scare you but yes, keep an eye on things on that front. As Enjoli says, she may not be parenting very well if she's A) laying in bed all day depressed or B) doped up on pills and not really watching your daughter..

My ex tried to kill herself while my daughter was in her care a few months ago. Luckily my daughter was in a different apartment at the time playing with a friend, but since her "cry for help" as she put it, she's was on supervised only visitation for a while. Til she moved away completely last week. 

Anyway what I'm saying is keep an eye on it, check in with your daughter, be aware.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah l agree at the very least your crazy if you don't keep an eye on the ball.

Like she still works , drives , spoils my d rotten ,bends over backwards for her actually. She cooks good meals every night and the place is always well stocked . She knows what my d's upto anytime. Like l can't say she's falling in a heap on the surface that's for sure.
But the thing with ex is she covers up.

In our last 12 mths she was seeing doctors and councilors and then walses in with a separation letter yet she showed nothing, ever. There was stuff later l realized yeah , l should've noticed , l should've picked it up and been there for her and stopped everything l was doing . But there was just no way she'd admit to anything and everytime l tried to talk about anything it was all fine. Yet this was going on behind my back for nearly 18mths, So she's an absolute [email protected] to reach , that's the thing.
She was still all of the above , working , taking care of everything and us.

Unless all this stuff now is for her migraines ,she's been getting horrific 10 day long migraines for years , so bad that she often has to spend nights in hospital knocked out.

One good thing , we have trouble getting my d to take an asprin or cold meds so l doubt she's touch anything .
Myd was seeing the school councilor for awhile ,she's the only one she'd go near.We haven't been able to get her into anyone else since that one left the school . But that is another thing , she's having for the first time serious friend troubles at school this year to . But she's the same as mum and will cover to the end.
We're not suppose to know anything . Same with a headache or any other troubles , say like coping with the d and all this, her period . Great girl but she's a bit of a [email protected] in those areas.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Your sitch sounds way different to mine WH. My ex was definitely spiraling, couldn't hold down a job, I had primary custody because of this. So your ex being more responsible, keeping food in the house, etc is a better sign. Don't sweep it under the rug, but just stay aware and keep communicating with your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Could I recommend the following book for your DD:
Michelle Sherman, I'm Not Alone: A Teen's Guide to Living with a Parent Who Has a Mental Illness.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

WH you spoke on another thread about X being happy as a lark

does she exhibit severe mood swings? Probably safe to keep an eye

on how it may be afflicting your D. Is she old enough to have a phone

where she can keep it hidden for emergencies? My X was / is suffering

from depression. But her problems are her problems. And not your

problem. Keeping D safe is your problem. And it should be your Xs too


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

It sounds to me like you are basically saying that the situation with your ex is exactly the same now as it was when you were married. Is that accurate? If it is, what has changed that makes you feel that you should intervene? Is there any issue with your daughter? The protection and well-being of your D is your chief concern. If that is ever questioned then action has to be taken no matter what.

In terms of whether you should say anything to your ex or not in order to support her, that can truly only be determined by you. I have an ex and I would never say anything to her. Not because I don't care about her or that I don't love her anymore, because I do. I wouldn't say anything to her because it would be received wrong and she wouldn't respond well anyway.

Divorce means things are different. A relationship has been torn apart. Love can still be present but nothing remains the same. If you have a Pastor I would definitely suggest speaking with him/her. I believe that asking for insight from wise people is always a good idea. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah it's damn tricky like this .

The thing is , yep she is all smiles , that's what she does. Being a nurse for 20yrs she deals with stuff day in and out at work but they can't show anything and everyone depends on them to smile their way past it and they have to themselves or it brings them down too much. So unfortunately she's had lots of practice. She was all smiles and happy in our last 18mths yet l get a sep letter and told she's been suicidal and crying in bed , in the street , in the car, for 12mths. And then she turns around and blows up our family. 
So that happy thing can mean she's happy or it can be covering and leading upto the big bang , that's the bit that worries me. 

; can't help but care a bit and a lot on anything that could effect my d of course. But she is still a good women to and l messed up a lot in our marriage to . It's a whole bag of mixed up crap we all know to well l guess.
Like she payed of my car with part of her house money . She won't let me pay that back to her . l guess yeah it's partly guilt money but never the less , the good her is still inside so there's the 2 sides to still giving a damn about her.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> WH you spoke on another thread about X being happy as a lark
> 
> does she exhibit severe mood swings? Probably safe to keep an eye
> 
> ...



Yeah true Chuck and for a long time there in spats, l thought maybe it is a real happy face, not so sure now.
Thing with ex is she'll go on, cover and cope until she drops .
Thankfully yep d can call or reach me anytime in 2 or 3 ways l set her up in.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

WolverineFan said:


> Not because I don't care about her or that I don't love her anymore, because I do. I wouldn't say anything to her because it would be received wrong and she wouldn't respond well anyway.
> 
> Divorce means things are different. A relationship has been torn apart. Love can still be present but nothing remains the same. If you have a Pastor I would definitely suggest speaking with him/her. I believe that asking for insight from wise people is always a good idea. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


I agree with you: "A relationship has been torn apart. Love can still be present but nothing remains the same."


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Well,we had to talk about some stuff so while we were on a roll l just asked ex matter of factly how things were going. Work , finances, life in general . Then l made a bit of a joke about all the drugs round the place.
Here's what she said.

She's trying to finish this new course to get better work, to get better money, which is really hard and stressing her out but she's trying to keep smiling. [ which is what she does ]
She said life's ok but the migraines were really knocking her about so the doctors wanted to try this mix of drugs and two of them are strong anti depression tablets that she says , can also help migraines .
Not sure if that could be right ?
Then she joked that it's so nice not having the migraines and said oh don't worry, l'm enjoying the effect of the drugs so much that l'm just getting a few extras from work.

And that was it . Didn't wanna push that one any further under the circumstances right now .
.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

it will be interesting what she does when the Dr. takes her off those meds

when the headaches subside. Or will she tell the Dr. a "white lie"


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> it will be interesting what she does when the Dr. takes her off those meds
> 
> when the headaches subside. Or will she tell the Dr. a "white lie"


Yeah for sure . Or is it all bs to cover for all the depressants and depression :scratchhead:


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

some Dr.s have a tendency to be quick to write prescriptions to build up 

or keep a large cliental of patients. Being a nurse, she is aware of

these Dr.s. The side effects may effect your D so it would be 

prudent to keep an eye out for this


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