# Christian woman unsure



## Doll (May 24, 2008)

My husband and I have been married for six years. I entered this marriage not knowing he had serious depression and a huge problem with pornography. It was really hard to deal with his depression. He would sit in a dark room and just be depressed. He refused to take medicine for it. This lasted for a few years and he got better. But the pornography was always there. I would go to bed and ask him to come with me, but instead he would stay up really late and I'm sure looking at porn. I was naive until one day I found stuff on his computer. I comfronted him many times about the porn addiction and urged him to seek help. He would just not do it. He learned then to delete every website he had been. But I could sense it anyways. We never agreed on important subjects such as money, buying a house, having kids, church, friends. He would be very defensive when I asked him to speak my love language and when I asked him to read the Bible and pray with me. It has been the hardest six years of my life. I have cried myself to sleep and begged God for help for so long now. I became a sad, bitter person. I really tried hard for my marriage to improve. I caught him masturbating and looking at porn. He lied to me about it and deleted everything again. He said " I was doing that because I was feeling pressure". Some months ago I found tons of porn on his computer from the night before. Besides that I found out, by one little detail he forgot to delete, that he had been sending emails to hookers on craigslist and other websites. After that, I left him. I don't think I love him anymore. Actually, I don't think I ever did 100%. I am weary from all the problems. He is desperatly trying to get me back to him. He says he has got help about the addiction and that he will do anything I want. He's been trying to manipulate me so much, I can't even start describing it. I'm happy away from him. But I just feel guilty as a Christian woman who married for life. As a woman of God, I should stick to my marriage and fight for it. But as a human being, I tend to seek what's best for myself and I don't think that is going back to my husband.


Sorry for the long post. Any comments will be much appreciated. Thanks.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Aw, little Doll. I think you did the right thing, hun. You need to find you another Christian that thinks it is a sin to watch porn. One with good value and morals. You didn't do anything wrong, so God isn't upset with you for leaving him, Doll. Remember, we are all God's children, wouldn't he want to see you happy? Yes, he would like to see people stay married, but he doesn't want to see his children mistrested, or unhappy in their marriage. Always try to help to save a marriage, hun, but if the other person isn't willing to change, then what else can you do?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Jesus said "The law was made for man, but man wasn't made for the law". I guess he had you in mind


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## Sabine (Sep 25, 2008)

whats wrong with american men that they rather fc their mind on porn magasin than make love to their wife and adore them?

Tell him that he made a christian odd when he get married to oyu and that included to care for you and honor oyu. Not th epor,
Take all porn dvd and mags, and throw them in the garbage so he got nothing.
if he get mad tel him, why? you want a divorce and get married to Playboy?
beside, looking porn is a very very unchristian thing to do.
and treating you htat way is not aceptable.
Call his mum and dad and tells them htat he do that just to embarass him, that will teach him
Oh yeah he will get ourtrageosu and amd, so what? you had to pull out with his perversityh and egoism all that time, now time to turn the table and for him to get a taste of his own thing.
Youc na also invite them all for dinenr also oyur family and dish it out at the dinenr table in front of everybody.
And ask if anyone there could help you with it or have a sugfgestion to tell him to stop doing that.(his addiction as you call it). That will freeze him down, i am sure of that.
Thats only good.
it will be his wake up call of how serious and stupid it is and incredible too. As long as it stay ebtwen the 2 f you its his secret and he can ignore the bad side of it and the rerality of what it means as consequences or you and your marriage.
ut once its out, he will ahve no other choices but to face the music and do somehting about it, meaning, dropping the porn thing and taking care of you.
He got no excuses, its just an irresponsible boy like trip. But oyu dont have to accept it.
Send the bnoomerang back to his face that shoudl teach him!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Speaking to your pastor is an excelent idea. I also read another wonderful book by Gary Chapman a couple of months ago. The title of the book in "Hope for the Separated". It is heavily oriented towards Christians going thru separation.

I understand what you mean about being married for life. That was my plan; now someone else has changed those plans. The Bible is real clear that adultry ends the marriage (at least in God's eyes). Has your husband had an affair? I guess some of your husband's conduct could be up to interpretation. Your pastor should be able to offer guidance.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Personally if it had to get this bad for him to even think about changing, then I dont think you should even look back. If you do go back, odds are he'll revert back but just get better at hiding it. Of course that's just my opinion and having delt with a porn addict, im a little bitter. so take it for what its worth. 

If you have to threaten to leave for him to do anything, then that's the only time he will change. he's not changing because he wants to, or because he feels any kind of remorse for what he's done to you, he's saying sorry only because he doesnt want to be upset by losing you. If you take him back he'll get comfortable again and you'll have to threaten him again, only it will be less effective the next time. Separate for a year and see if he actually changes.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Talk to your church and see if they can get you counciling atleast for you and maybe for him too. Many things never were written in the bible. But honoring your wife is. You have stood by him faithfully to this point. But you deserve to be happy too. He has been selfish towards you and your feelings. Not only did he have the issue with depression but you had to deal with it as well. His porn addiction has affected you and he selfishly continues on with it at your expense.

draconis


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

I might wonder...If he is allready emailing prostitutes, what he has all said and done with them...
It may be justifiable to be divorced from him on SCRIPTURAL grounds...of fornication!
If you find out this is what he has been doing...There is NO SHAME in getting a divorce over those grounds.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hey Doll,

There is some good advice above.

But it seems when you got married he had issues to begin with, I do not think he was as deep into your faith as you were, that he went along with it for whatever reason.

His true prowless was hidden in his porn and web surfing.

He ciould not talk to you about his naughty idea's or his inner fantasies, becuase you would think he was a pervert.

I see this allot down ehre in Georgia...one person of teh couple is deep into their faith and the other is not, but the second has lived a lie for so long trying to please others that he/she fail in their marriage becuase they were not honest and open with their spouse.

You can go down 2 roads here...

1. Sit down with him, just you and him and get everything out in the open....No arguing, let him speak freely about how he feels about the marriage, his life, his goes, his sexuality, his wildest fantasies, what excites him, what turns him off, etc. See how you feel about what he says, take it all in then give some time to think about if you want to be with him or not.

2. You can divorce him, and find another man that has the same values and morals as you do, there are plenty of christian dating sites on the web.

The biggest issue you both have is communication, when you both got married, you did not know each other deeply enough or where not open with each other enough to what you want out of life.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find happiness.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

freeshias4me said:


> I might wonder...If he is allready emailing prostitutes, what he has all said and done with them...
> It may be justifiable to be divorced from him on SCRIPTURAL grounds...of fornication!
> If you find out this is what he has been doing...There is NO SHAME in getting a divorce over those grounds.


This is what I was thinking. Freeshias4me, glad you got right to the point! If this is the case, she can walk away and never look back. She can eventually remarry and have the Church's blessing. I've given this a lot of thought in my case--my husband commited adultry.


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## Pastor Felix (Oct 3, 2008)

YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO DIVORCE!
Mark 10:2 -12

Vs. 2: And some Pharisees came up, and, in order to test Him, asked, is it lawful for a man to dismiss and repudiate and divorce his wife? (wife, to divorce her husband?)

Vs. 3: He answered them, what did Moses command you?

Vs. 4: They replied, Moses allowed a man (a woman) to write a bill of divorce and to put her (him) away.

Vs. 5: But Jesus said to them, because of your hardness of heart (your condition of insensibility to the call of God) he wrote you this precept in your law.

Vs. 6: But from the beginning of creation God made them male and female.

Vs. 7: For this reason a man shall leave (behind) his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and cleave closely to her permanently

Vs. 8: And the two shall become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one.

Vs. 9: What therefore God has united (joined together), let not man separate or divide.

Vs. 10: And indoors the disciples questioned Him again about this subject.

Vs. 11 : And He said to them, whoever dismisses (repudiates and divorces) his wife and marries another commits adultery against her.

Vs. 12: And if a woman dismisses repudiates and divorces) her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.

It is very clear to note that most of the good thing pertaining to life God has to teach us are learned while passing through life difficulties.

The Bible passages are filled up with stories of how God honoured the perseverance of the abused, dejected and ignored marriage partners who refused to give up during their most difficult trial moments of their marriage.

But it is noteworthy, that in certain extreme cases, and against the wishes, desires and efforts of the committed mate, the marriage bond is destroyed beyond any human ability to restore it back.

Let us also realize at this point that God’s divine concession to human weakness” is occasionally justified, by allowing the Christian divorced, the right and freedom to remarry in the Lord.

Let me sound a note of warning here, that you are human, commits sin and are weak does not mean we are not all equipped with remarkable ability to rationalize. It is very common with us, when we experience marital difficulties; we tend to begin to search for a way out instead of searching for a way to get through. Given enough time in the severe test, which we always take to be in trouble, divorce will always seem to be our only option, our long awaited and much-deserved perfect remedy (divorce).

You are warned against this kind of thought and action. To go on or carry out this kind of worldly procedure is to short-circuit the better plan God Has arranged for us - His children and worse than this is to twist the glorious grace of God upon us into a guilt - relieving excuse for giving us what we have devised instead of accepting what He has designed for us.

Where God allows or permits divorce in marriage, let us humbly accept it without fear or guilt. Let us not call “unclean” what He now calls clean. But neither let us put words in His mouth and make Him say what He, in fact, has not said. No matter how miserable we may be. Do not live with God in disobedience. It is worse than living with a mate in disharmony! Fear God and keep your marriage.

A brief information about the Author:
Pastor Chiemeka F. Ezenwa is a theologian, a lecturer, a marriage counselor and a business consultant. He has lectured in many Pastoral Schools and Bible Collages. He lectured last at More Grace Bible College of The Lord’s Chosen Charistmatic Revival Movement - (Headquarters) before settling down with marriage counseling and Business Consultancy Services.

He has authored five (5) books which includes: Church Stewardship, Church leadership, Soteriology, Nature cures and Perfect your Marriage. He is married to the one he love, ….. a young Miss named Josephine Okolie (the mother of his children) who gave him everything she had - including her heart.

He is always saying to his beautiful wife, “thank you babe,” for making this journey with me. With the same joy, happiness and satisfaction, let’s finish it together to the Glory of God Amen. Till same time next week. Bye for now. Contact: perfect your marriage .com,
E-mail:

You have the right to reprint and use this article as you may wish for free, so long as you don’t change or alter it in any form and keep my resource box attached to all your reprints and use of this article.

NB: You may further submit your questions on how to make your marriage a success to me for free counseling. Or is your marriage in a sorry state? It can be made sweet and enjoyable.

I shall be glad to have your contributions, feedback, ideas and more on how we can perfect our marriages.

Remain blessed.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Pastor Felix said:


> YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO DIVORCE!


I should point out that that is not what Jesus said, but how you are interpreting him. And by putting it in capitals, you are shouting, and trying to put the "fear of God" into this already put upon woman.

When Jesus said "because of the hardness of your hearts" it was a reminder for us to be gentle. As I quoted before, Jesus also said "The law was made for man, but man was not made for the law". Which I take as meaning we have to make up our own minds and be flexible when dispensing guidance to others.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Matthew 5 (King James Version)

31It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: 

32But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery

19:9

9And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. 

Mark 10:3-5 (King James Version)

3And he answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you? 

4And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away. 

5And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.

Deuteronomy 24
1When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. 

2And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife. 

Numbers 30:8

8But if her husband disallowed her on the day that he heard it; then he shall make her vow which she vowed, and that which she uttered with her lips, wherewith she bound her soul, of none effect: and the LORD shall forgive her. 

Leviticus 22:12 & 13

12If the priest's daughter also be married unto a stranger, she may not eat of an offering of the holy things. 

13But if the priest's daughter be a widow, or *divorced,* and have no child, and is returned unto her father's house, as in her youth, she shall eat of her father's meat: but there shall be no stranger eat thereof. 

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Matthew 5:28 
28But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Jesus said:


> Mat 5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.


So on the one hand Jesus is saying the Mosaic law still stands, and on the other he is saying "Be excellent to each other"* 






*Bill & Ted's excellent adventure.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Look what God "Jesus" is saying, if you can't be true to the one you married.. I don't see you married any longer, and I will not bless this shame of a marriage any longer. God rather you split than hoping from bed to bed, am I right? Hell ya, I'm right. He said don't get it on with another neighbor's wife, that means no one else, didn't he? He ment DO NOT CHEAT. If you can't be true than I grant you a divorce. He doesn't bless cheaters and he doesn't bless same sex marriages either. Just going by the Bible here.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

So since his porn addiction is filled with lust which equals adaultery therefore she can get a divorce.

Let alone he lied about honouring his wife.

draconis


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

draconis said:


> So since his porn addiction is filled with lust which equals adaultery therefore she can get a divorce.
> 
> Let alone he lied about honouring his wife.
> 
> draconis


Yeah, she can get a divorce on those grounds. You can even get a no one to blame divorce, just can't see eye to eye on things, but what we have here calls for one big time.

What I never will get is people that are in love with a magizine, or someone on the internet, never met them or will meet the person, but will let everything go for this. UNREAL !!!


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## Sabine (Sep 25, 2008)

Really? then you should open a thread on this and better watch out what oyu say on that matter ebcause many people did met online..

and didnt cheat their wife after..
but thats anotehr subject i dont see why its bring about her enor the relation between men puting more into porno than their own wife and people meeting on the internet! ???
how can you compare the two?
PEOPLE MEETING ON THE INTERNET ARE TWO REAL PERSON KNOWING EAHC TOTHERS AND TALKIGN TO GETHE RWHILE A PORN MAG IS JUST PICTURES AND there is no communication and the woman on it have no idea as for whom s buying those magz and watching them.
you cant compare the 2.
there is emotional commitment on internet relationship oyu dotn have on porn its 2 different things.
there is not 2 persons with porn addiction but only the guy and a paper.
How can oyu see things that way?


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## Sabine (Sep 25, 2008)

aND IF LOOKIGN AT PORN EQUAL ADULTERY THEN IT MEANS THAT THINKING ABOUT ANOTHER WOMAN IN THAT WAY EROTICAL, SENSUAL, ROMANTICAL, AND SEXUAL, IS ALSO ADULTRY AND THAT THE MARRIAGE OF THE MEN DOING SO IS NO LONGER WORTH ANYTHING.
God doesnt bless cheaters you said nor does he bless the amrriage where one is cheatign the other.
So it means that all men who are cheating their wife in thoguhts when looking those porn magasins or thinking abotu another woman by night and day, are cheating their wife and that their marriage is no longer blessed by God meaning it is anihilated.

Are you all in that category or in the otrher one?
I speak to those who said that if you watch porn mag then youa re cheating.
I agree with that thoguth.
So Honey are you cheating your wife and is so your marriage no longer existing?

As for meeting people on internet and never meetign the person, as far a si lnwo thats a personal choice you amke to meet them or not, and its a total contradiction with saying "and let everythign go for this". If you really let everythign go for it then you meet that person for sure. Ditto its no longer just an internet conenction so whats your argument here?
Also whats the difference between emaila nd phone connectiona nd internet connection?
what is more if people met 3 tiems and only wrote letters once in a while, and people meeting everyday on the internet for a long periood of time?
Is the relation of those who met 3 times and wrote once in a while stronger than the one of those who didnt met yet but tlak together everyday?
or wouldnt it be the opposite in fact?
i dont se why you speak of internet cinections in sucha pejorativ way, like if it was something totaly stupid. In that case what are oyu doignhere but ahving several realtionships with several people on the internet. Do you also consider them as beiong low life nothing and stupid to talk in here to you as you talk to them?
Youa re also using lots of time on it.
So whats the difference?
At least soem people are not afraid to engage themselves and make a difference, and others are too couard to do it or to admit doing it.
What are you ashame of?

Sorry for some it might seems a bit out the strict subject, but i just was shocked to see how internet relationships was being mentioned in paralel with addiction to porn magasin it seems to me to be unreal and a bit exagerated.
It made me feel emotional. Sorry for those it might have disturbed.
i hope its alrigth.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sabrine ~ Addictive behavior that does affect a marriage should not condemn one to live like that forever because of a vow. When I responded to the thread I first responded to the addiction and neglect he had for her. The pastor brought up good points and since religion is a big factor here I included bible quotes and connecting the dots. I also do not believe in any physical, verbal, emotional or sexual abuse of a spouce either but the bible does not address these concerns directly.

I think she should have her options open. While my normal reaction is to give the marriage a try or two I don't see it working here from her post.

draconis


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## Sabine (Sep 25, 2008)

I totaly agree with you and yoru view Draconis, i totaly agree with the fact that if the guy rather look a paper then be with his wife he can go marry the paper if he like and she can be free of him and have a real klife with someoen real instead!
Here in fact we have a super good exemple of how people living together already and seeign each others everyday and night, live in factmore apart in in a more unreal relationship than people who are physicaly apart but have a good and healthy relationship online.
iw as adressign the post of Honey about comapring porn addiction wiht usual internet relationship where people make a vow to one another and really fall in love for each others.
I beleive in spiritual connection and i dont see how such a conection shoudl be conider as less worth another just because it started online.
Comunicating is communicatign no matter what you chose to do it phone or letter or else, and feelign sare genuate no matter what object you use to comunicate them, and we got airplanes so the distance shouldnt be a problem.
I dont beleive that 2 married people are still married iof one of them dont love th eother or if one is cheating the other one way or another.
If there isnt commitment and engagement then there is nothig.
Youa re just sharing your flat and livign in a colective. You are not married.
A church marriage, oposit to maire marriage, shoudlnt eb solved by law and divorce but should be anihilated, broken, by a priest, just in a word, because it is obvious that if they sin that way or the guy sin in such way tha the bring shame upon his wife, and i found porn addiction more shamefulla nd worse than going with another women cause it send to her the signal that she is less worth that hore on a magasins! and thats the worse you can do to someone and specialy to your wife, then this man can no longer be married to his wife. It is destroyed before the word divoprce is pronounced. In the eyes of God it is worth nothing at all already the minute he beign with it.
The rign ymbolise that blessing of God and bow taken in his name, and that ring is broken.
There is no marriage.
i think hse should ask for divorce and present the fact as reason for divorce and not take any separation time at all but show him the door immediatly ihe is not worth it.
At least for her sake he shoudl have seek professional help on his own and should ahve feel very very ashame, Why did he married her? he must have knwon of it since long.
I am sorry for her.
its going to mark her for a long time.
i must ocnfess tha ti had never heard of the conspt "porn addiction" before coming to this forum.
is it soemthing new?
ike the fruit of too much sex exposure in the media adds and movies and too much availability of nuditiy and porn?
It is very worrying.
It sounds to me like the guy could be in the locked departement in the cookoos nest..with his mag compeltely cut for the outside world. It sounds like a mental illness to me and a serious one.
to be true sounds worse than alcoholism. At least the guy is here and got feelings than tis one is all disconected form reality around him.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sabrine you are right, all communications are good via internet or phone or in person. 

draconis


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## Doll (May 24, 2008)

Hi guys, Thank you for your input here.
I must confess it was hard to see "YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO DIVORCE!" in capital letters like that. It made me feel even more guilty. I feel guilty because if I use God's pattern, I should be able to forgive my husband seventy times seven and try again. I definitely don't want to cut short God's plans and blessings to my life because of a divorce. It's so hard when you are trying to do the right thing but still being a little selfish and trying to spare yourself of more hurting. I wonder what God Himself would say to me about my specific situation.
I tend to feel overly compassionate. I definitely don't want to go back because I feel sorry for him. He is desperate to have me back. He says He has changed and that God has worked on him. I don't understand why he waited for so long to seek help. It was such a painfull path for the both of us.
Anyways, I'm still here unsure and confused.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Doll said:


> Hi guys, Thank you for your input here.
> I must confess it was hard to see "YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO DIVORCE!" in capital letters like that. It made me feel even more guilty. I feel guilty because if I use God's pattern, I should be able to forgive my husband seventy times seven and try again. I definitely don't want to cut short God's plans and blessings to my life because of a divorce. It's so hard when you are trying to do the right thing but still being a little selfish and trying to spare yourself of more hurting. I wonder what God Himself would say to me about my specific situation.
> I tend to feel overly compassionate. I definitely don't want to go back because I feel sorry for him. He is desperate to have me back. He says He has changed and that God has worked on him. I don't understand why he waited for so long to seek help. It was such a painfull path for the both of us.
> Anyways, I'm still here unsure and confused.


Will he go to counsiling now?

Will he make a written agreement that he is done with the porn and will seek help?

draonis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Alright we got ourselves a Bible quote war....AESOME!! LOL just playing with you guys.

Doll, the bottom line is you ahve to find out for yourself what you really want and what YOU really need.

I know plenty of good christians that got divorced and either remarried or still single and are very happy that they ahve done it.

I think GOD would say to you, He rather see you single and Happy as opposed to Married and depressed.

But only you know deep inside what is best for you, only you know the truth of your feelings.

I worked with a woman who is a super Christian, she remained married to a husband she HATED for 9 years longer then she wanted to be, she got heavy, depressed, hated herself. She stayed amrried becuase her mother told her to, that she would be a embarrassment to her and her church if her daughter got divorced. The lady finally could not take it anymore and got a divorce against her parents wishes. You know what she is the happiest she has ever been, her parents got over it, and she lost weight and has a new boyfriend that fits her needs. She tellsme she wished she did it 9 years ago...that she lost those 9 years....for what? other peoples feelings?

I think GOD wants you to be happy, think about it long and hard and do what is best for YOU, some some internet pastor who is promoting his books


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

"Whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication, and marries another commits adultery." (Matthew 19:9)

....Sorry...Just had to add this scripture for Doll's sake.


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