# long distance marriage and intimacy



## off the crazy train. (Nov 1, 2011)

I first posted this in general but it really belongs more in this section.. 

This is very long, sorry... I am married to a woman 1200 miles away, my second and her third marriage. We were together for nearly three years but were not married before she took a job there. She couldn't find a comparable job where I am, not even close. 

At that time she took the job, she wanted me to move there but I didn't want to as I have a nice home here. I know that sounds selfish but when I moved in, I'd told myself I was moving for the last time after spending over 25 years in the military, married for the same to my first wife. That woman had Borderline Personality Disorder, she was the crazy train I got off. 

Anyway, four months after I helped her move, our relationship over, fate brought us back together. We talked, spent time together, had good sex again and I felt (realized was the word I used) I'd made a huge mistake and I asked her to let me back into her life. Up front, she said she wouldn't move back and that I'd have to move to where she is. I (somewhat reluctantly but the house didn't mean the same living alone) agreed to get my home ready for sale and move. 

Four months later she agreed to marry me (I brought her a nice ring) and another three months later we did when she came back during the summer. That fall I brought the first load of our things to put in storage where she is until my house sells here and we can get a house there. That is when the current issue started. 

Sex and the physical part of our relationship had never been an issue between us. When we were living together, she told me she'd never turn me down (for sex) within reason. She told me no one had made love to her like I did. And she followed through with that - we had it just about anytime, anywhere. But during that first visit about 3 months after we'd married, it was like she had no time for me. She said it was because of her job (school teacher) and she started sleeping like there was a wall between us and I wasn't allowed to "encroach". I respected her and didn't even push it though it upset me. That same behavior continued again when I was there for Christmas. I asked her about it and she said it was because of the small apartment she lives in and that both her adult and 12 year sons were there. 

I didn't make it back again until April with more of my belongings and the physical part of our relationship again wasn't to the level we'd had before we were married and she still maintained the "boundaries in bed". We had sex the first night but we argued about the relationship during that visit and she told me it was because I wasn't moved there yet. That we had to get to used to each other again. The following August (two months ago) I flew out to spend a week with her (and her 12 year old son) and for the first part it was more like it had been near the beginning of our relationship. Then she said she couldn't continue that pace, it was just too exhausting for her. 

Now I just was there again for just over a week, mostly to be there for her son while she went out of town for a few days on business. She told me before I came the reason I was there was to be there for her son. When I got there I hugged her when we got back from the airport and we briefly kissed. I gave her extensive foot and back rubs nightly for the four nights before she went out of town but that was the only physical activity we had, all giving on my part. She told me to wait for her to get to sleep before I came to bed so she could sleep. Again, there was no physical activity in the bedroom. On saturday night after she came back from her trip she was again too tired and wanted me to let her get to sleep before I came to bed. On sunday morning (what used to be a favorite time for us to talk and have sex, often more than once) she again rebuffed my approaches. 

The lack of intimacy or anything physical between us was now bothering me big time. We started fighting about it some during the morning as she did some laundry and minor cleaning to get things back in place. She made the comment "she felt obligated" to call me every night. I replied that was wrong, just wrong. She said she was too busy with her graduate school class, her job and taking car of her son. 

I exploded as I was being dropped off at the airport, I told her it was "Bull****!! and that I didn't couldn't buy it. That I wasn't being treated like I was her husband and how I thought it should be (our relationship). 

I sent her a text after I got through security at the airport, saying "I was sorry for lashing out" but that I couldn't figure out how it was so hard to treat me as her husband. that we didn't even share a decent kiss. I haven't heard a word from her since. 

Now, I'm seconding guessing the entire thing; my house didn't sell due to the economy, the moving, the marriage, everything. I'm supposed to bring another load of my belongings in 3 weeks and stay over Thanksgiving but why would I even want to go when "she's so busy" in her life? Over the past 4-5 months, I've paid for much of her car repairs, put $2000 towards her graduate degree when her financial aid fell apart. And it cost me a week's wages plus an airline ticket to be there while she went out of town. And in return now the relationship is the way I just explained?? What do you all think? 

Feedback please!!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think long-distance relationships can be very difficult. My H and I were in one before we got married. We met and dated during college, but he was a year ahead of me and graduated and moved when he couldn't find a job in our college town. We continued on as a LDR, but it was really difficult. We did end up marrying, and we've been married 23 years now, but sometimes I am surprised we made it considering the difficulty in the beginning. 

The hardest thing is that you are essentially feeling like a single person in between meetings, and when you do meet, it is usually very intense. Not really what a relationship is like when you live with and see each other day in and day out.

So, have you confronted your wife about whether/why her feelings to you seem to have changed? Do you think there could be someone else involved?

I guess I would seriously consider having the answers to those questions before you up and move - especially if you still have a house that hasn't sold yet.

I did find this book on the subject - looked interesting and might give you some other things to think about.

Amazon.com: The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide (9781580087148): Chris Bell, Kate Brauer-Bell: Books

Best wishes.


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## off the crazy train. (Nov 1, 2011)

As I look back over all this, I realize she has nearly "no skin in the game". I'm the one that is giving up what I have here to move where she is. If it goes bad as all the red flags point to, I would really be screwed. 

If she is "too busy" in her life for intimacy on any level, I see no reason to continue. I did confront her as I related above but not in the entire context as I didn't see it all yet at the time. Her reply to that that was she didn't think she'd ever "be up to my standards". I told her many times, all I wanted was to be loved. Maybe it is "too simple" but truly, that is all that I want. And I sure didn't get the feeling it is recipricated now. 

I know her job stresses her out, not just a little but I'm talking major stress. Her young son is in activities that other adults play their own political games with. That bothers her as well and I've tried to be a good ear for her to vent and to support her on those as well as I can. And I tried to take all that into consideration. But all that is not enough reason for me to not have some intimacy (from her). 

No, I doubt if anyone else is involved. Sure, anything is possible but that's not the person I know. After she moved there, she tried some dating before we got back together. From what she told me, that experience "creeped her out" more than anything.


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