# My wife thinks I talk too much...



## qbert

And it really upsets me, actually. I would listen to ANYTHING she ever wanted to talk about, but she literally can't stand anything I say or any of the things I'm interested in (filmmaking, art, etc.)

It's gotten to the point where she'll ask me a question and I tell her she wouldn't want to know the answer, but she persists, I start talking, and she cuts me short saying what she's assumed the end of the story is.

I talk on twitter more than I talk to my wife.

She also has a rare hearing disorder that you can read about here: http://bit.ly/bT6lv0

And that's part of the problem, but it's also just a complete lack of interest in what I'm saying.

VENT!!!!


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## Me'N'My'Girl

she doesnt know how lucky she is!!
i would give my life to know that my husband is ready to listen to me...


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## ladyred8585

2.	Get more bite marks on your tongue- Speaking our minds and hearts is at the core of intimacy. We all long to have a marriage that is so relaxed and intimate that we can share anything and everything without thinking about it. But speaking out and being “real” are not always good ideas. Try to make wise and thoughtful decisions about how and when to say what to your partner. Timing and tact in marriage is not the opposite of honesty. Rather, it is what makes honesty possible.
Marriage goes best when at least one party can lighten up about differences. Intimacy requires that we do not (a) get too nervous about differences, (b) operate as if we have the truth of the universe, or (c) equate closeness with sameness. Marriage requires us to stay emotionally connected to a partner who thinks, feels, and believes differently, without needing to change, fix, or convince the other person.
7.	Practice pure listening-We naturally become defensive when our spouse begins to criticize us. We listen to refute or correct the inaccuracies, distortions, and exaggerations that are inevitably there. The challenge is to listen only to understand. We can save our defense for a future conversation.
These are a few of the practices that i rely on now that i have taken the time to research how to have a great co-existing marriage. The book Creating a marriage you will love is a great resource to these types of situations. I just finished facing this same situation myself. Hope this helps some.


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## lastinline

No guy, your post was only 8 lines. As a lot of people type like they talk, I think you're fine.

LIL


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## qbert

Thank you for the replies! I do know I tend to chat, but I also listen and like to CONVERSE. The back and forth. Love it.

She has always had a problem listening to people and refers to being in school and being "lectured" to by teachers and her dad and not wanting or being able to listen.

But, see, that's the thing I'm not lecturing, it's not even topics that could be lectures. I literally want to be able to say, "Hey, honey, i saw this great new movie trailer about such and such" or "Wow, honey, look at the sky, isn't that beautiful. I love when it blends from purple to pink to fire at the horizon."

Whatever, you know? The weather. Anything.

And I've tried adjusting to her, talking less about things and, like i said, twittering and facebook, or even keeping a journal or texting friends about random stuff and focusing more on the things she likes to talk about and waiting for her to strike up the conversation.

But, she zones out when I talk or seems annoyed at me like I'm rambling, so I just stop and walk away feeling hurt. Sometimes I say something and it sparks a fight and I end up being the "bad guy" for saying she did something wrong.

Please don't get me wrong, she's still a wonderful woman it's just something that has been wearing on me for a while. We started our relationship long distance and she would ask me to tell her stories and just to talk about whatever because she liked to hear my voice. No it seems she's just annoyed by it.

I see her try sometimes, too, but especially now that we're having some money problems and a new baby, it's gotten worse.

Oh, and LADYRED- It's not that I blurt out things that are too honest or something. It's really just wanting to talk like we're best friends, you know?

And if I bring THAT up, she's bothered that I have expectations of what marriage should be like. I just want to talk to my wife!


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## artieb

What does she like to talk about? Is there some overlap?


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## qbert

artieb said:


> What does she like to talk about? Is there some overlap?


Actually, there should be TONS of overlap. We both work as artists, like the same types of movies for the most part (horror, sci-fi, etc. though I like drama and she does not). Both like reading. We have kids.

But there's still just this huge gap between what she feels like talking about and her not wanting to (or possibly being able to) listen to what I'm saying.

We do talk about the kids pretty well ... though it has to be in pretty short, but moderately paced burst. If I say a few too many sentences or speak too quickly, she can't stand it.


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## momof6girls

i have a bad earing problem and that is NO excuse at all... but i can say when i was younger and no hearing aid at all (and this one don't help much) i would get tired fast of reading lips to fill in the blanks and my mind would go fast it would look to some like i was not listing..

my hubby says the same thing about me,,, i said no and really i do listen... ok we tried this he talks about something then ask me something about what he talking about gets me in the conversation because we did find that..

when i talk i talk for a little then say... following or at some point i am office he is hands on so i loose him fast when talking computer stuff... not in any way talking down but i stop in between when talking about a girl (i would say did i ever tell you who she was?) he tends to start in a middle of a story and always lost me... so i get lost in that or talks stuff i have no idea what part or thing he even means..

any way long short.... talk then discuss then finsih

it may be her style and she may be ok with her style and not want to change...? then you go back to well us...


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## qbert

See, the difference is, she really doesn't want to hear what I have to say most of the time. She says she doesn't like lots of talking, and my letters and sounds bother her, so she wants me to talk less and change the way I say things so I don't bother her.

I understand that her hearing problem is a very serious thing and very hard for HER to live with. I can only imagine, but the lack of interest is more what hurts me. I could totally fix the way I talk, and still she really wouldn't want me to talk.

She doesn't talk much either, but when she does, she wants me to listen. If I treated her the way she treats me (with the obvious uninterest; literally looking away at the tv or cutting me off) she would be furious or really hurt and call me a jerk. Me = bad guy again!


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## Freak On a Leash

People just don't get that if you keep pushing someone away eventually they will turn around and leave. No one wants to be treated like dirt indefinitely. 

There's something to be said about Twitter...


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## WantsHappiness

Has she lived with his hearing problem all of her life? Or is it something that affected her later in life? You mention that she used to love to listen to you talk so I wondered if the diagnosis occurred around the same time she started to dislike hearing you talk. 

Has she tried ear plugs? The kind you can still hear through but would minimize the annoying sounds?

Have you tried different forms of communication between the two of you? Sending e-mails or writing letters?

Here’s something that stood out to me in your link to Wikipedia: _“Sensitivity to these sounds tends to be exacerbated by stress or feeling tired/run down.”_

Then you mentioned this:



qbert said:


> I see her try sometimes, too, but especially now that we're having some money problems and a new baby, it's gotten worse.


Without wanting to give her a pass my gut reaction is that she might be stressed more than usual due to a new baby and money troubles and that could be intensifying her condition. 

Is there any other possible trigger event that happened around the time you noticed this started getting worse? I hate to admit it but I know when I’m miffed with my husband (justified or not) everything he says or does can get on my nerves more than it would usually.


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## BigMT

WantsHappiness said:


> Have you tried different forms of communication between the two of you? Sending e-mails or writing letters?


:iagree:

My wife and I don't share the same problem you describe but when we're at work we can't talk because we're usually too busy to be on the phone for long periods so we email each other almost endlessly throughout our day. I've always been able to express myself better by writing it out and my wife really enjoys it when I write her even on the smallest of details. Hope this helps.


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## turnera

qbert said:


> See, the difference is, she really doesn't want to hear what I have to say most of the time. She says she doesn't like lots of talking, and my letters and sounds bother her, so she wants me to talk less and change the way I say things so I don't bother her.
> 
> I understand that her hearing problem is a very serious thing and very hard for HER to live with. I can only imagine, but the lack of interest is more what hurts me. I could totally fix the way I talk, and still she really wouldn't want me to talk.
> 
> She doesn't talk much either, but when she does, she wants me to listen. If I treated her the way she treats me (with the obvious uninterest; literally looking away at the tv or cutting me off) she would be furious or really hurt and call me a jerk. Me = bad guy again!


 Can you read minds? I doubt it.

You are PROJECTING what YOU think she is thinking. That is UNFAIR. Someone just gave you a very accurate answer for why your wife LOOKS like she doesn't care what you talk about, and you glossed over it. Do you do that to your wife, too?

So...*DID* you fix the way you talk after she told you what she needed? You are not being fair to her because you are insisting on what YOU want, and you are not the one with the disability.


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## qbert

WantsHappiness said:


> Has she lived with his hearing problem all of her life? Or is it something that affected her later in life? You mention that she used to love to listen to you talk so I wondered if the diagnosis occurred around the same time she started to dislike hearing you talk.
> 
> Has she tried ear plugs? The kind you can still hear through but would minimize the annoying sounds?
> 
> Have you tried different forms of communication between the two of you? Sending e-mails or writing letters?
> 
> Here’s something that stood out to me in your link to Wikipedia: _“Sensitivity to these sounds tends to be exacerbated by stress or feeling tired/run down.”_
> 
> Then you mentioned this:
> 
> 
> 
> Without wanting to give her a pass my gut reaction is that she might be stressed more than usual due to a new baby and money troubles and that could be intensifying her condition.
> 
> Is there any other possible trigger event that happened around the time you noticed this started getting worse? I hate to admit it but I know when I’m miffed with my husband (justified or not) everything he says or does can get on my nerves more than it would usually.


She has had the problem nearly her whole life. I think it mostly came from having to share a bedroom with her baby sister growing up. She started hearing her sister breathing while she was asleep and that got to her so bad that she eventually started sleeping in the hallway. Then her dad's snoring. And so on.

It definitely seems like it's gotten worse due to stress. In our most stressed out times, she can't stand most everything I do or say. Letters start getting added. It's also visual. Seeing things out of the corner of her eyes, like if she can see my food (sock, no sock, shoe, whatever) sticking up even feet away from her peripheral vision, that bothers here. She bends over my straw at the restaurant because it's 'in her vision.' Stuff like that. More and more of those traits get added on.

I also wonder, though, if more and more get added on because (as some have suggested) I enable it. I want to accept her and make her FEEL accepted for the first time ever (I know in her past relationship he didn't put up with any of it), and in the beginning she didn't bring much up, now she brings every little thing up.

But, still I want her to feel comfortable in her own life, so I try my hardest not to ever let on that any of it is a stress on me. It's just really hard to have to watch every little thing I'm doing all the time and once I master one thing (like saying 'S' okay) then another one comes (now it's 'P').

Oh, and she does wear earplugs when she sleeps especially, or if the family is eating popcorn during a movie or something, but I don't want her to have to wear them all the time and she doesn't want to, so I try to find ways to make her comfortable without them.


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## qbert

BigMT said:


> :iagree:
> 
> My wife and I don't share the same problem you describe but when we're at work we can't talk because we're usually too busy to be on the phone for long periods so we email each other almost endlessly throughout our day. I've always been able to express myself better by writing it out and my wife really enjoys it when I write her even on the smallest of details. Hope this helps.


I've often thought about that, but she tends to think anything like that, any kind of exercise or therapy-like thing, is cheesy and annoying.

Also, we both work at home, so it'd be a little weird to send her something and be sitting in the same room to read it. 

BUT, I still want to try that, because I do feel like I'd be better at communicating, rather than letting our tongues run off with our words.

I do send her texts while I'm gone (or sometimes in the same room even) that just tell her how much I appreciate her and why.


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## qbert

turnera said:


> Can you read minds? I doubt it.
> 
> You are PROJECTING what YOU think she is thinking. That is UNFAIR. Someone just gave you a very accurate answer for why your wife LOOKS like she doesn't care what you talk about, and you glossed over it. Do you do that to your wife, too?
> 
> So...*DID* you fix the way you talk after she told you what she needed? You are not being fair to her because you are insisting on what YOU want, and you are not the one with the disability.



Okay, you are just jumping to conclusions. Why not ask the question first before jumping all over me about it.

ABSOLUTELY YES I have changed many, many, many, many things about myself and the way I talk to help her and I try to never let on how stressful it is.

Seriously stop for a second and imagine trying to say the letter 'S' differently than you say it. Okay, master that, now you have to change the letter 'P' now 'T' now 'C' now 'CH' now don't eat around your significant other EVER, now don't bob your head at all or move your hands while you talk, now don't talk about things that interest you. All the while, imagine the most annoyed, angry, judgmental look on your significant others face. I really want you to go try this for a day, then come back and tell me I should have a bit of frustration over it.

But, again, I NEVER make her feel awkward about it. She's had her whole life feeling awkward and her ex was terrible to her about it. I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin, so I've been fully accepting of it.

And, again, I will tell you that what momof6girls was saying doesn't apply. She really wanted to hear what her husband was talking about.

My wife flat TELLS me she isn't interested and that it isn't just the auditory thing. Sometimes it is, yet, but she tells me (with that same annoyed look) that she's not interested.


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## turnera

Based on all you've said, it sounds like she doesn't care about you? Is that what you're saying? That she takes you for granted, and all that you do for her?

If that is true, you may want to tell her that this is not acceptable for the rest of your life, and maybe you need to separate.

fwiw, I stand by what I said before. You DON'T know what she is thinking. One of the biggest mistakes in marriages is ASSUMING. Because assuming means you aren't communicating.


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## qbert

I don't think she doesn't care about me, and she does show me care in other ways, but I really feel like our communication is one-sided. She either says she isn't interested or doesn't have the energy to talk about things.

She really is amazing in a lot of ways, though. That's why I'm not going anywhere. I swear I'll have a thread up here soon saying all the reasons I love her. Just you wait.


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## WantsHappiness

qbert said:


> She has had the problem nearly her whole life. I think it mostly came from having to share a bedroom with her baby sister growing up. She started hearing her sister breathing while she was asleep and that got to her so bad that she eventually started sleeping in the hallway. Then her dad's snoring. And so on.
> 
> It definitely seems like it's gotten worse due to stress. In our most stressed out times, she can't stand most everything I do or say. Letters start getting added. It's also visual. Seeing things out of the corner of her eyes, like if she can see my food (sock, no sock, shoe, whatever) sticking up even feet away from her peripheral vision, that bothers here. She bends over my straw at the restaurant because it's 'in her vision.' Stuff like that. More and more of those traits get added on.
> 
> I also wonder, though, if more and more get added on because (as some have suggested) I enable it. I want to accept her and make her FEEL accepted for the first time ever (I know in her past relationship he didn't put up with any of it), and in the beginning she didn't bring much up, now she brings every little thing up.
> 
> But, still I want her to feel comfortable in her own life, so I try my hardest not to ever let on that any of it is a stress on me. It's just really hard to have to watch every little thing I'm doing all the time and once I master one thing (like saying 'S' okay) then another one comes (now it's 'P').
> 
> Oh, and she does wear earplugs when she sleeps especially, or if the family is eating popcorn during a movie or something, but I don't want her to have to wear them all the time and she doesn't want to, so I try to find ways to make her comfortable without them.


It has to have been really difficult for her to go through life like this, especially having a past relationship with someone who didn’t care. Given the extra information, I mostly agree with you about the enabling. It sounds like you walk on eggshells around your wife constantly. It’s all about making sure SHE is comfortable and SHE is not being put out in any way whatsoever. Well, what about how YOU feel? What about putting YOU out constantly by requesting you make never-ending changes? Communication is one of the keys to a successful marriage and you two aren’t communicating. Well, she’s communicating and you’re responding but it’s not working the other way around. This should be a two-way street with both spouses communicating, compromising and making small adjustments when needed for the betterment of the marriage. I understand that with the disability her needs are more demanding and seem bigger than yours but you’re a person too. You have needs and feelings and you are entitled to them. You’re going to the complete opposite extreme as with her last relationship. Whereas he didn’t pay any mind to her condition you’re paying too much mind to it. I don’t want to seem insensitive, I realize her condition is very real and very difficult to live with but the fact is that she has to live with it. I’d suggest sitting down with her and (calmly and rationally) telling her you need her attention for a few minutes. Tell her (again, calmly and maturely) all of the things you told us about how it makes you feel that she doesn’t take an interest in you. You have a new family dynamic with the baby and that’s bound to change how you two relate but the relationship between you is just as important and you need to keep that strong. 

At the same time it sounds to me like you’re both pretty stressed out and just as her condition is made worse by the stress I’m sure that her demands might stand out more to you because of your own stress. When/if you do have a conversation make sure you keep that in mind.

And remember, you cannot be your wife’s knight in shining armor ALL of the time. She will eventually need to take steps to help herself


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## qbert

Yes, it is VERY difficult for her and that's probably why I've never just lost it over this stuff. I can tell she's struggling, but sometimes i do feel like maybe subconsciously she takes advantage of my willingness to change for her. It started as one thing, but has now ballooned to maybe a hundred (literally). I WANT to give her a break from it. I WANT to make her feel like she never has to worry about it, but I do grow a bit weary from time to time about all the changes and how abnormal our life is at times. You know, I want to cuddle and take a nap together, I want to share a bed and meals together, I want to even sit comfortably with her quietly or talking. She's so focused on what I'm doing all the time that it makes me uncomfortable. 

I don't want her to feel confined by it, but I don't want to be confined by it either. We both just want it to go away, but I'm the only one actively trying to find a way out of it. She doesn't want to pursue treatment unless it's a sure thing and doesn't sound too much like psychology (I think she doesn't want to believe there's something wrong with HER). It's like she's gone her whole life knowing there was something wrong, so now she's super-defensive about it. Or maybe offensive.

I really want to help her with this disorder, but it's really rare and there isn't a cure or even real specific treatment for it.

And beyond that, I think she's grown accustomed to changing me and knowing I'll bend to her. I feel she also feels a bit sorry for herself (I could never say that to her, though!)


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## turnera

qbert said:


> And beyond that, I think she's grown accustomed to changing me and knowing I'll bend to her.


Then stop doing it. Set a line in the sand and say I want this marriage to prosper and right now it's uncomfortable for me, and I think for you as well, so I will no longer just try to keep the peace. When an issue comes up, I want to sit down and work it out til we are both satisfied.


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## qbert

Sounds good in theory. Wish it were that simple.


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## turnera

How hard is it to say no?


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## qbert

Well, it's VERY hard for me to say no to her. BUT, I do it and every time it causes chaos and I end up to blame.


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## turnera

No, SHE ends up blaming you and you accept it because it's easier. 

You CAN take a stand, but you decide it's easier to not do so.

That said, I really think you need to learn what she's really thinking - a la Love Buster questionnaire - before you make any changes. Right now, she is defending herself from you, so taking a stand will only prove to her that she is right to do so. Get the truth from the questionnaire and work on the LBs, for several months, and THEN try to change things.


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