# Thinking about the end



## jeronimoe (Apr 30, 2020)

Hi all... I'm thinking about getting a divorce. I can't say that my relationship with my wife has ever been stellar. We've had some rough times, and there's **** that I can't seem to get over, like how disrespectful she's been in the past towards my mother. It was years ago, but it still pisses me off when I think about it. But really beyond a small handful of things like that with her I don't have any big grudges. Our relationship has just been kind of ... meh. I don't think we have much in common (besides our two kids), or that we have a connection or bond anymore. Really, I don't think we ever did, and there're times I've wondered why I got married to her at all. In those times I feel like I basically just settled down, emphasis on the "settled".

I don't know, sometimes I think if we never had kids it would be different somehow. Maybe less stress on the relationship? Maybe like we'd have more time for ourselves to grow together? Our kids are great, but they're 8 and 10 and can be very challenging, like anyone with kids knows. At this point they pretty much are the entire focus of our relationship.

There are times it seems clear to me that it's inevitable we'll split up, but other times I feel like I do still love her. I don't know, it's difficult to open up about it to anyone, and I'm on the fence, so I'd appreciate any advice.

Thanks...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need counselling as a couple.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

jeronimoe said:


> There are times it seems clear to me that it's inevitable we'll split up, but other times I feel like I do still love her. I don't know, it's difficult to open up about it to anyone, and I'm on the fence


I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted you to know you're not alone in this. I have a good wife, she is honest, trustworthy, loyal, and I believe she loves me as a person. But, it is clear that she doesn't love me as a man. I love her as a woman, I respect her as a person, and I wish we could have a good marriage.

There are times when I think there's a chance, and I want to take the chance. Then, there are times when I feel like nothing will ever change, and I want more out of life and more out of marriage than being "roommates".

I think you describe it quite well. It's an absence of grudges. But, there's very little positive going on.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@jeronimoe, do you and your wife do anything together -- JUST the two of you?
Do you take her out on dates? Do you TALK to her about this stuff? She is your partner, and you need to be able to communicate with her. Talk to her about the state of your relationship. How does SHE feel about it? If you wanted to, I'm sure you can improve things. I think MattMatt has it right -- try to find a good marriage counselor.
You want to make sure you've done everything you can to improve this before you throw in the towel, or you face the fact you may regret it later in life.


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## ByByBirdie (Apr 30, 2020)

jeronimoe said:


> Hi all... I'm thinking about getting a divorce. I can't say that my relationship with my wife has ever been stellar. We've had some rough times, and there's **** that I can't seem to get over, like how disrespectful she's been in the past towards my mother. It was years ago, but it still pisses me off when I think about it. But really beyond a small handful of things like that with her I don't have any big grudges. Our relationship has just been kind of ... meh. I don't think we have much in common (besides our two kids), or that we have a connection or bond anymore. Really, I don't think we ever did, and there're times I've wondered why I got married to her at all. In those times I feel like I basically just settled down, emphasis on the "settled".
> 
> I don't know, sometimes I think if we never had kids it would be different somehow. Maybe less stress on the relationship? Maybe like we'd have more time for ourselves to grow together? Our kids are great, but they're 8 and 10 and can be very challenging, like anyone with kids knows. At this point they pretty much are the entire focus of our relationship.
> 
> ...


I believe that every marriage sooner or later faces the moment when you ask yourself a question whether you should move on without your husband or wife. Despite the fact that things are not horrible between two of you, you just don't feel happy. When I was married the first time, our family was a reminiscence of living with a neighbor: we didn't fight, no scandals or abuse, but there was like no connection. We were like married strangers and I saw no point to live like that. Divorce was amicable, we kept in touch, however later I realised that our relationship might work if we tried counselling as was adviced above. Here you could read an interesting article about marriage stages, hope it will be helpful if you decide to stay together. However if you are ready to get divorced and the kids are involved, try to make it as amicable as possible. Find local lawyers or if you have an uncontested case as mine, lean on *{removed link.. looks like spam ~moderator} *(I filed it online, could tell you more if you need), do whatever makes you feel better to cope with these challenging events.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This isn't an easy choice and it's not an uncommon question spouses put to themselves in a M

You mentioned "perhaps if we didn't have the stresses of having had kids we'd have drawn closer?"

That's a road to not go down. People typically use both sides of that coin so frequently it's recognized as usually trying to rationalize something to themselves to help justify leaning towards a specific decision, good or bad.

The best direction here is to make decisions based on where as a couple and you as an individual are, today.

Either way, stay or go. The what ifs aren't your friends here.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jeronimoe said:


> Hi all... I'm thinking about getting a divorce. I can't say that my relationship with my wife has ever been stellar. We've had some rough times, and there's **** that I can't seem to get over, like how disrespectful she's been in the past towards my mother. It was years ago, but it still pisses me off when I think about it. But really beyond a small handful of things like that with her I don't have any big grudges. Our relationship has just been kind of ... meh. I don't think we have much in common (besides our two kids), or that we have a connection or bond anymore. Really, I don't think we ever did, and there're times I've wondered why I got married to her at all. In those times I feel like I basically just settled down, emphasis on the "settled".
> 
> I don't know, sometimes I think if we never had kids it would be different somehow. Maybe less stress on the relationship? Maybe like we'd have more time for ourselves to grow together? Our kids are great, but they're 8 and 10 and can be very challenging, like anyone with kids knows. At this point they pretty much are the entire focus of our relationship.
> 
> ...


I'm certain there was a time you had a connection. At least twice! Marriage takes work. When it is on cruise control the destination is exactly where you are in the marriage. You two are room mates going through the motions. Kids first yadda yadda.... you two need to make each other first. Look, you each need to make an effort in marriage. Hoping for the best simply does not work. What do you do to keep the home fires burning? Nothing? Well, this is were a marriage ends up without that fire. How much time do you two spend together without the kids? 

As far as your mom and the disrespect, what did your W do that has you angry?


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## jeronimoe (Apr 30, 2020)

ByByBirdie said:


> I believe that every marriage sooner or later faces the moment when you ask yourself a question whether you should move on without your husband or wife. Despite the fact that things are not horrible between two of you, you just don't feel happy. When I was married the first time, our family was a reminiscence of living with a neighbor: we didn't fight, no scandals or abuse, but there was like no connection. We were like married strangers and I saw no point to live like that. Divorce was amicable, we kept in touch, however later I realised that our relationship might work if we tried counselling as was adviced above. Here you could read an interesting article about marriage stages, hope it will be helpful if you decide to stay together. However if you are ready to get divorced and the kids are involved, try to make it as amicable as possible. Find local lawyers or if you have an uncontested case as mine, lean on *{removed link.. looks like spam ~moderator}* (I filed it online, could tell you more if you need), do whatever makes you feel better to cope with these challenging events.


Thanks for the link, will definitely give it a read, and the attorney advice.


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## jeronimoe (Apr 30, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> As far as your mom and the disrespect, what did your W do that has you angry?


Well I don't want to rehash all the details, but at one point she slammed a car door in my mom's face. That set me off. But we're talking years ago, it really shouldn't have a bearing on our relationship now, as she and my mom have been at least cordial for the past few years. It's just my baggage. I have a hard time forgiving and forgetting.



jlg07 said:


> @jeronimoe, do you and your wife do anything together -- JUST the two of you?
> Do you take her out on dates? Do you TALK to her about this stuff? She is your partner, and you need to be able to communicate with her. Talk to her about the state of your relationship. How does SHE feel about it? If you wanted to, I'm sure you can improve things. I think MattMatt has it right -- try to find a good marriage counselor.
> You want to make sure you've done everything you can to improve this before you throw in the towel, or you face the fact you may regret it later in life.


Sigh... you're right. I don't take her out on dates enough, and I'm not romantic by nature. And these past few years I just haven't felt like taking her out to be honest. Anyway, at this point she doesn't really want to go out on dates (or celebrate our anniversary). I don't talk to her about these things much because she is not easy to talk to. She is very sensitive and gets anxious when I bring up these things or really just talk about my feelings of any sort (she's a lot like like her father in that respect). Honestly, I'm not much of a chatty Cathy but I do most of the talking during those conversations, and it's not from lack of trying to listen. She just doesn't like to open up. We really have until the end of the summer before one of us moves out (probably me). I say that because during heated arguments she's said she wants to be separated by end of summer, but then later after calming down she says "I don't know". So she's on the fence too. 

Our marriage has been on this seesaw for years now, and it's coming to head. Time for us to **** or get off the pot I guess 🤣

Thanks for all your words and thoughts. It means a lot, especially knowing I'm not alone in this situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jeronimoe said:


> Sigh... you're right. I don't take her out on dates enough, and I'm not romantic by nature. And these past few years I just haven't felt like taking her out to be honest. Anyway, at this point she doesn't really want to go out on dates (or celebrate our anniversary).


One of the main indicators that a marriage will get to the point that yours is at is if the couple spend little to no quality time together. Your marriage is in the state it's in because both of you ignored it and are letting it die a low death. A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, by themselves, in quality time to maintain the passion. 

It's sort of like a garden. What do you think happens to a garden it's not watered and fertilized?



jeronimoe said:


> I don't talk to her about these things much because she is not easy to talk to. She is very sensitive and gets anxious when I bring up these things or really just talk about my feelings of any sort (she's a lot like like her father in that respect). Honestly, I'm not much of a chatty Cathy but I do most of the talking during those conversations, and it's not from lack of trying to listen. She just doesn't like to open up. We really have until the end of the summer before one of us moves out (probably me). I say that because during heated arguments she's said she wants to be separated by end of summer, but then later after calming down she says "I don't know". So she's on the fence too.
> 
> Our marriage has been on this seesaw for years now, and it's coming to head. Time for us to **** or get off the pot I guess 🤣
> 
> Thanks for all your words and thoughts. It means a lot, especially knowing I'm not alone in this situation.


This can most likely be fixed. If you want to work on your marriage and grow the passion between the two of you, it can be done.

There are two books that can help. They explain why your marriage is in the sad state it's in and what to do about it. "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order and do the work that they suggest. As your marriage improves, talk to you wife and get her to read them with you and the two of you do the work together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jeronimoe said:


> Thanks for the link, will definitely give it a read, and the attorney advice.


I removed that link to the online divorce site. We do not allow spamming/selling products our site. Just wanted to let you know.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

To keep a relationship working it does take work. And when people tend to go along in life and focus on work and the kids they will eventually grow apart. 
It would be nice if you can get to a place with your wife where you can really talk to her and tell each other how you feel. Just to help understand each other more. 
For example.... if you can just tell her hey, something triggered my memory the other day and it reminded me of when you did this and this to my mom, and I realized I’m still holding on to some resentment. And she can respond, I wish I can change the past and go back and do things differently blah blah blah. I think that our spouses hurt us, and will hurt us or disappoint us, but if we can get to a place where we can talk about it without getting defensive and start a fight, then that’s how intimacy grows and resentment fades. 
Divorce is hard. My recommendation is always to try to improve the relationship.


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