# Wife won't end affair



## cdj

For almost two years (I've only known less than a year) my wife has engaged in an affair that began as emotional but progressed to physical. Last physical contact was 2 weeks ago. 

I have done literally everything I know to do. This guy was a friend of mine - although he was always sketchy to me and I suspected he wanted my wife. He has said/done everything to get her to leave me...he makes more money than me, etc...He is now leaving his wife and getting divorced. I believe he has no designs on letting up his pursuit of her. 

We are in counseling but she won't stop calling/answering his calls. I am at the end. I don't want a divorce because I love my family. I have 4 young children and don't want them devastated. But her behavior is unacceptable...

Any thoughts...??


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## keko

You're wife already checked our of the marriage so don't waste money on counselling.

Tell your wife to go to her lover and you want primary child custody.

In the mean time grow a pair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam

She has left you no choice. You know what you must do. Get a really good lawyer.
Sorry for the pain. You will survive and thrive with this malignant woman gone. But, it will take some time to start feeling better.


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## MrK

It's good he makes money. My DREAM is for my wife to find a rich man. I know she'll leave me my kids (and adultery should give you primary custody). It would be all good. But I'm already over the shock that my wife doesn't love me anymore. You still have to go through it. My wife dragged it out. Consider it good that it slapped you in the face. It's all about healing for you from now on. Acceptance stage is over.


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## jnj express

Nothing will change, no matter what, till you take some type of HARSH action.


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## bandit.45

Divorce her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife

Do her parents, and all of your mutual friends, including his parents, know all about it?

As you've discovered the hard way, MC is a fail with 3 people in the marriage.

Divorce papers and full exposure of the affair are your last ditch recourse.

Now that he's free, however, I doubt it will have any effect. But you've got nothing to lose so you may as well.

If you haven't exposed, don't tell her in advance. Just do it the hour before you present divorce papers.

But she has betrayed your trust beyond the point that many cheaters go; she is apparently doing this without a care that you know. How you can ever believe another word she says is something you should give long hard consideration.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo

I am so sorry you are here. Now I know you are hurting and say you don't want a divorce because you love your family; but, you don't love yourself enough to have any respect for yourself! Do you really think the current situation at home is good for your kids or that the example you and your wife are setting is positive? I have three things to say to you:
1) MAN UP!
2) MAN UP!
3) MAN UP!

File for divorce immediately and have her served. Maybe the shock will bring her to reality and she'll reconsider the affair (Why in heaven's name you would want her is beside me) If not you are one more step closer to healing from this misery.


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## Posse

Three people in a marriage is a dog that won't hunt.

It's not an affair if she isn't married to you anymore.

Just let her go if she isn't willing to commit to your marriage.

File.


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## Shaggy

Tell his wife and divorce yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow

> I don't want a divorce because I love my family. I have 4 young children and don't want them devastated. But her behavior is unacceptable...


no sh1t it's unacceptable. 

you don't want to divorce, because you don't want him to end up with her. 

she's damaged goods, IMO. time to let go.


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## EleGirl

The only way to end an affair that has gone one this long is to drive her towards the OM (other man). Once are alone and have to depend on each other for all of their emotional needs to be met the affair will not last. Affairs are fantasies, they die when they are faced with real life.

You have been enabling the affair. The reason that your wife has not left you is that she still needs the things you do for her and the needs of hers you meet. Once the OM has to do all of this … POOF no more affair.

Your best bet is see an attorney to start divorce papers. Then tell her that you want her to leave as she is causing too much pain for you and the children. Do not allow her to take your children from the family home. And do not move out of the family home yourself.
You cannot make her leave legally. But you can sure encourage her to leave if she will not end the affair on the spot. 

It’s time for you to play hardball. Up to now you have helped her keep this affair and only hurt yourself by being an indulging ‘nice guy’.


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## morituri

There is nothing like reality to kill the fantasy that is an affair. Show her to the door and let the OM take care of her while you keep the kids. Chances are good that the OM is only after her for the sex and once he has the responsibility of taking care of her, his desire for her will disappear and dump her to the curve, like most OM do.

In the meantime read and implement the principles embodied in *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules*. You may also want to go to the forum of *Dads divorce* to check the do's and don'ts of men who have gone through divorce.

Lastly, women - in general - are not sexually attracted to weak, fearful men. They ARE sexually attracted to men who refuse to be their doormat and who will dump them when they become disrespectful.


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## LoveMouse

180 plan is for you, look it up on this site, it'll help.
My X did the same thing, she had plans to run away w/ this guy but he told her it was a waste, don't come. I know it hurt her so she just found another. She never once was sorry, she always laughed @ my pain....but now I'm free and she's SOL. Good luck friend, we're here to help you!!
Mouse


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## bandit.45

Looks like we have a consensus....


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## Chaparral

Does the other mans wife know why he is divorcing her? Who have you told what is going on? There is a lot you can do. Sounds like she hasn't been able to make up her mind.

Read "Married Man Sex Life" and blog

The Healing Heart: The 180

No More Mr. Nice Guy

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

If you want to fight for your marriage or ever marry again start reading and implementing the advice given. If your done get a shark lawyer.

In any event start working out, weight lifting is best, see your doctor and explain to him what is going on, he can help. Find a counselor for your self that has experience with infidelity and PTSD. Postpone MC now. Let your wife think you are done.


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## deejov

Only you can make the decision if you want to try and repair your marriage, but like others said, it is a GOOD move to read about the 180 and follow the plan.

It will help you to see things clearly, put things into perspective, and help prepare you for what may come down the road. (She may leave you). Take some time to focus on the plan, and see how you feel in a few weeks. 

I'm sorry you are going through this,


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## Shaggy

Your living in an open marriage with a woman who has ZERO respect or love for you. She feels completely free to cheat and doesn't fear any consequences from you. 

This has gone on for 2 years and countless sex hookups.

You are a cuckold to her.

Time to bring her world crashing down.

You need to expose him and her on Cheaterville.com

You need to expose the affair to friends and family and neighbors and coworkers and of course the wife of the OM.

You need to refused to help the affair by withdrawing the comforts of you from her: no more babysitting so she can meet up with him. She sleeps on the couch, as the marriage bed only has room for faithful spouses.

Cancel any joint credit cards and stop giving her access to your paycheck. If the kids need something, you buy it for them.

Her nice lingere etc that she wears for him, pack it up in a trash bag and toss it.

Gifts her gave her, take then an pawn them if they are worth anything, otherwise in the trash too.

Go visit a lawyer. If you live in an alienation of affection state, sue the OM.

You have been a doormat cuckold because you are affraid. It's destroyed your personal respect for yourself and made you convince yourself that there are no options for you to choose from. That is false, there are options.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Oh, and stop the counselling. That's a total waste of money while she is still in the affair. Counselling teaaches you skills for getting pat the affair after it is over. Right now you are spending time and money on something that only giving her ammunition to assuage her guilt over being a cheater. 

What you need at this point is a to show her hard consequences for choosing to continue to have an open marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor

You don't need to divorce her, she's going to pull the trigger first and you'll get served. Guaranteed


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## river rat

EleGirl said:


> The only way to end an affair that has gone one this long is to drive her towards the OM (other man). Once are alone and have to depend on each other for all of their emotional needs to be met the affair will not last. Affairs are fantasies, they die when they are faced with real life.
> 
> You have been enabling the affair. The reason that your wife has not left you is that she still needs the things you do for her and the needs of hers you meet. Once the OM has to do all of this … POOF no more affair.
> 
> Your best bet is see an attorney to start divorce papers. Then tell her that you want her to leave as she is causing too much pain for you and the children. Do not allow her to take your children from the family home. And do not move out of the family home yourself.
> You cannot make her leave legally. But you can sure encourage her to leave if she will not end the affair on the spot.
> 
> It’s time for you to play hardball. Up to now you have helped her keep this affair and only hurt yourself by being an indulging ‘nice guy’.


LISTEN TO THIS. :iagree::iagree:


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## bandit.45

Shaggy said:


> Oh, and stop the counselling. That's a total waste of money while she is still in the affair. Counselling teaaches you skills for getting pat the affair after it is over. Right now you are spending time and money on something that only giving her ammunition to assuage her guilt over being a cheater.
> 
> What you need at this point is a to show her hard consequences for choosing to continue to have an open marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## lovelygirl

How can you let her disrespect you so much? 
This affair has been going on for so long, yet you don't have to guts to give this marriage an end. You're being taken for granted and played for a fool.
There's no point in MC right now. She's don't sound remorseful and you're wasting your time.
Pretty much agreed with Shaggy.


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## tacoma

Expose the affair to her family and his then divorce her.

Who the hell allows their spouse to stay in an affair for a year?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

tacoma said:


> Expose the affair to her family and his then divorce her.
> 
> Who the hell allows their spouse to stay in an affair for a year?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OP apparently. He's been asking her to stop but he's too scared to pull the trigger. 4 young kids? He better get DNA tests for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn

Look most of the people who have posted here will support you if you decided to R once the A has ended. I am pro-marriage and pro-R in most cases. 

But your case is not worth saving as long as she continues in the A. You need to stop counseling if she is spitting in your face. You are wasting money. File for divorse. 

You don't want your children devastated. What you are teaching them is that it is OK for mom to fuc* whoever she wants for as long as she wants and dad is just a freakin wussy. They will learn that men are wussies and women rule the world. There is no morals in your wife. She is teaching your children that a women can spread her legs outside the marriage, come home, be mom and that is the role model they have right now. 

If I was you:

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Use the 180.
3. Get your finances in order.
4. Get an attorney and file for Divorse.
5. Expose the affair to everyone. 
6. And stop the dependency on a broken worthless woman. She is dead. The woman you loved is gone.


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## Honeystly

I am so sorry you are going through this. I get what everybody is saying, but I'm not sure I get the 'man up' comments... You obviously love your wife and have been fighting for her. I understand your pain. The sad truth is that she will most likely leave, now that the OM is getting a divorce, especially since he makes a lot of money. The silver lining is you can get the kids and get her for alimony. Then his money will be your money. I know how hard it is to kill your love on purpose, as I am doing it as we speak. I think you should get in touch with this douche's wife and tell her the truth. She probably has no idea why her husband really left. I know I didn't.... I would like to have known, so would she I bet. Good luck to you. Letting go is hard, but this woman is simply cutting you into a million pieces right now. It's not good for you or your precious children. Start thinking of letting go. You will probably feel devastated, but relieved at the same time. Again, I'm so sorry


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## Machiavelli

cdj said:


> For almost two years (I've only known less than a year) my wife has engaged in an affair that began as emotional but progressed to physical. Last physical contact was 2 weeks ago.
> 
> I have done literally everything I know to do. This guy was a friend of mine - although he was always sketchy to me and I suspected he wanted my wife. He has said/done everything to get her to leave me...he makes more money than me, etc...He is now leaving his wife and getting divorced. I believe he has no designs on letting up his pursuit of her.
> 
> We are in counseling but she won't stop calling/answering his calls. I am at the end. I don't want a divorce because I love my family. I have 4 young children and don't want them devastated. But her behavior is unacceptable...
> 
> Any thoughts...??


What do* you* want, besides no divorce? The exact forces you deploy are determined by your operational objectives. However, as you would surmise from all the posts above, a divorce filing is a very potent jolt of reality for all occasions. 

How old are you both? Kid's ages? How long married?

Have you consulted an attorney? What state?


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## iheartlife

Honeystly said:


> but I'm not sure I get the 'man up' comments...


Man up is code for, no other human being is allowed to treat you like a dirty, used [fill in the blank].

He has tried "nice-ing" her out of the affair. It did not work, in fact it was an epic FAIL.

Time to take a radical depature from what was definitely not working before.

Every single person in this thread BLEEDS for your kids. Everything we've said, every single thing, takes full account of the children and how desperately you want to save your marriage.

Lose your marriage to save it.


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## OldWolf57

OK, you came here for advice. Now you have it. If it was me, I would have stepped to the dude long ago. But you don't sound like thats you. So if you are still here and haven't run because you didn't hear what you wanted to hear, PLEASE DO WHAT THE VETS HERE ARE TELLING YOU DO !!!!


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## tokn

Buddy, you aren't the one devastating the kids, she is.

Tell her you wish her well in her new life with her new man and you'll work out a schedule with her on her visitation rights with the kids, because she chose to leave the marriage.

And tell her she needs to pack her stuff up and leave by the weekend, if she can't get that done by then offer to help her out. Don't let her wait until its convenient for her.

Do this as calmly as you can, it'll be hard but try not show any emotions whats so ever. This will demonstrate strength and that you don't need her and you will be fine without her.

Don't beg, don't grovel, don't talk to her or discuss anything with her unless its about the kids or through your lawyers.

The sooner you do this the sooner you will begin to heal and your new life will start.

This is hard and painful, but take this time to focus on yourself and your kids, do things that will better yourself and you'll be a stronger person for it.

Get with a lawyer as soon as possible and start the filing process.


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## lordmayhem

OldWolf57 said:


> OK, you came here for advice. Now you have it. If it was me, I would have stepped to the dude long ago. But you don't sound like thats you. So if you are still here and haven't run because you didn't hear what you wanted to hear, PLEASE DO WHAT THE VETS HERE ARE TELLING YOU DO !!!!


:iagree:

cdj logged off a minute after his initial post. Hopefully he isn't one of those drive bys who post, then disappear after reading what he doesn't want to read because he's in denial. 

Happens all the time though.


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## the guy

Of course your wife won't end her affair, you're not going any were, so why would she?


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## lordmayhem

the guy said:


> Of course your wife won't end her affair, you're not going any were, so why would she?


:iagree:

This WW is just another typical cake eater.


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## kindi

MrK said:


> (and adultery should give you primary custody).


Not at all true.


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## Shaggy

kindi said:


> Not at all true.


Also not entirely false.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kindi

Shaggy said:


> Also not entirely false.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Courts don't usually consider adultery when making decisions regarding custody unless the children are adversely affected in some way as a result of the affair such as the two parties in question acting irresponsibly and neglecting the children.

So while it could be a factor, it's misleading to say "an affair should give you primary custody".


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## Chaparral

3leafclover said:


> I've even heard of custody cases in which the BS tried to use the affair against the WS too aggressively in court and the judges didn't like it at all because it made it seem like the BS was trying to "punish" the WS with the custody action. They don't care so much why your marriage ended, but they _do_ care if the BS who is wanting custody seems to be bitter and angry in court because this implies that the BS will not be able to overcome these feelings to co-parent effectively. The person who ends up with the most custody time is expected to overcome personal feelings in order to facilitate the child's relationship with the non-custodial parent.
> 
> I'm not saying don't bring it up at all, but I would personally only use the adultery very sparingly in custody court and focus more on the other things you have going for you that are in the best interests of the child (e.g. if you are staying in the family home, if you have school-aged kids and the WS is moving out of district, how much you have been involved in your kids' lives, etc.). If you can't prove abuse or neglect, don't try to and instead move on to showing how much you, as future custodial parent, will actually _facilitate_ the child's relationship with BOTH parents even though you believe the child needs to spend more time with you because of any of the above best-interest reasons.
> 
> Your lawyer will, of course, know your case and what info should be used better than anyone. I just wanted to caution any other BS reading here not to head into a custody battle with the attitude of "Anybody can see that the kids are better off with me than that cheating b****. I'm sure the judge will too." As much as some of us here might agree with you, it's just not true in court and that assumption could keep you from developing the other parts of your case that _will_ determine custody.


Its been a long time since anyone I know felt like the judicial system had any relationship with justice. As a matter of fact, lawyers I know think the suggestion is hillarious and they are more jaded than anyone else I know.


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## Shaggy

My moment was about right and wrong, it did have anything to do with the legal system.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Shaggy said:


> My moment was about right and wrong, it did have anything to do with the legal system.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My point was that a cheater should have limited contact with any kids, especially their own.


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## Ben Connedfussed

Well, first a few words for your children and you. Sorry for this horrible delima. Second, I hope a resolve will come. Good advice in the prior post of this thread. I myself am in an unsure place, do not have children to support, but it is living hell going through the uncertainties. But you know the truth. Take care of you and children first. Her... packing, and exposure will take a toll on her, and the above is true. These affairs end in shame, guilt and ruined lives for the guilty parties. Remember, the best now is to commit to you and your children. If I knew for sure at this point, it would be easier. You know and how do you think ten years down the road, how you will feel? Remember, you and the children are the only ones you can help at this point. Take care and GOD bless you and yours!


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## kindi

chapparal said:


> My point was that a cheater should have limited contact with any kids, especially their own.


Cheaters aren't necessarily bad parents, cheating doesn't reduce,remove, or eliminate their parental rights.


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## Shaggy

kindi said:


> Cheaters aren't necessarily bad parents, cheating doesn't reduce,remove, or eliminate their parental rights.


I disagee with this. Cheaters by their very nature are selfish and liars. So how can they possibly be good parents? 

I'm not saying they should be denied access to their children, but I am tired of people saying that they're a liar and a cheat, but they are a good parent. The bar would have to be set awfully low to still qualify as a good parent after choosing to destroy the family by cheating, by setting an example of lies and choosing your own selfish wants above your family and your vows.


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## lordmayhem

Looks like another drive by. cdj logged in on the 7th and hasn't been back since. The advice was probably not what he was expecting.


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## Jellybeans

Post and run


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## kindi

Shaggy said:


> I disagee with this. Cheaters by their very nature are selfish and liars. So how can they possibly be good parents?
> 
> I'm not saying they should be denied access to their children, but I am tired of people saying that they're a liar and a cheat, but they are a good parent. The bar would have to be set awfully low to still qualify as a good parent after choosing to destroy the family by cheating, by setting an example of lies and choosing your own selfish wants above your family and your vows.


Everybody is selfish to some degree.

Everybody lies.

Families are not necessarily destroyed by cheating. At least they're not necessarily any worse off than any other broken family of divorce, which is most families nowadays.

Should we now say that one or both parents who divorce should be given limited access to their children, especially if one parent wanted the divorce and the other didn't? Even if it was for reasons other than infidelity because the family is still "destroyed"?

It's how the divorce is handled that affects the kids, not the reasons for it.


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## iheartlife

Jellybeans said:


> Post and run


or post and lurk (****waves hi to cdj****)


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## In_The_Wind

Cut her off get rid of all joint accts etc and any credit cards that have both of yalls name on them tell her she needs to leave as she is the one cheating and file counseling will not work as she is still in the affair she is cake eating big time and using you their are to many other decent women out their to not let this one go the sooner the better


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## SadSamIAm

kindi said:


> Cheaters aren't necessarily bad parents, cheating doesn't reduce,remove, or eliminate their parental rights.


Cheaters have a low moral character. They don't know right from wrong. They are not good role models. These traits do not make for being a good parent.

People in a bad marriage that have high morals, know right and wrong and are good role models, do the proper thing with their marriage. They attend counseling to try to fix issues. They work on a marriage as all marriages require work. If after working sincerely on a marriage, the marriage still fails, they end the marriage. They don't cheat.


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## kindi

SadSamIAm said:


> Cheaters have a low moral character. They don't know right from wrong.


That's a rather generalized blanket statement that is in no way representative of every person that ever strayed within a relationship.

I believe that the rate of infidelity is something like 60%.

You're suggesting that more then half the population is amoral and doesn't know right from wrong?


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## Shaggy

kindi said:


> That's a rather generalized blanket statement that is in no way representative of every person that ever strayed within a relationship.
> 
> I believe that the rate of infidelity is something like 60%.
> 
> You're suggesting that more then half the population is amoral and doesn't know right from wrong?


Then you ate suggesting that 60% know right from wrong, but deliberately choose to cheat. That doesn't speak very well of the morals or integrity of that 60%
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kindi

Shaggy said:


> Then you ate suggesting that 60% know right from wrong, but deliberately choose to cheat. That doesn't speak very well of the morals or integrity of that 60%
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I bet most people would keep a 100 bucks if they found it on the street without making any effort to return it.

Surveys show that most people would steal or commit adultery if they knew they would get away with it.

Yes, most people lack morality and integrity. Doesn't mean they're necessarily bad parents and should be given limited time with their kids.


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## Kallan Pavithran

kindi said:


> I bet most people would keep a 100 bucks if they found it on the street without making any effort to return it.
> 
> Surveys show that most people would steal or commit adultery if they knew they would get away with it.
> 
> Yes, most people lack morality and integrity. Doesn't mean they're necessarily bad parents and should be given limited time with their kids.




What you want to prove her? Cheaters are the best parents?

I have seen this best parents hoping out of home to bang OM/OW without thinking a SH!T about their children. You read the threads posted here by BS and tell me which WS cared for their kids.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

If something were to happen to me, I would have no problem with my ex raising our two kids. She's morally bankrupt as a wife; however, she's still a great mother to the children.

She may have fallen out of love with me but she has never stopped loving her kids.

Chalk this up to the ability to compartmentalize different aspects of their lives. So I would not make a blanket statement that cheaters are bad parents. That would be akin to saying that someone who cheats on his or her taxes is an unfit individual in other aspects of their lives.

Trust me, I think the worst about my wife because of what she did to the family. But I'm not ready to tar and feather her -- at least not yet.


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## donders

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> So I would not make a blanket statement that cheaters are bad parents. That would be akin to saying that someone who cheats on his or her taxes is an unfit individual in other aspects of their lives.


Same here

Cheating does not equate to being a bad parent.

People that are hurt by cheaters tend to see the person in black and white terms as in "all bad". In reality the two things (parenting ability and being a loyal devoted partner) are not related.


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## SadSamIAm

I agree that cheaters aren't necessarily bad parents. They are just not the 'best' parents.

If everything else is equal between two parents, but one was faithful and the other wasn't, then if they are deciding who is the best parent for the kids, then I would suggest the faithful parent is 'best'.

The problem is in regards to determining that everything else is equal.


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## donders

SadSamIAm said:


> If everything else is equal between two parents, but one was faithful and the other wasn't, then if they are deciding who is the best parent for the kids, then I would suggest the faithful parent is 'best'..


All other things are never equal, cheating doesn't make one person a worser parent than a faithful one, and unless you're a court appointed custody evaluator it doesn't matter what you suggest.


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## tacoma

Shaggy said:


> I disagee with this. Cheaters by their very nature are selfish and liars. So how can they possibly be good parents?


The same way the vast majority of non-cheating selfish liars are still good parents.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

I just had an epiphany. I must finally be healing because I never thought that I'd see the day when I would defend cheaters.


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## SadSamIAm

donders said:


> All other things are never equal, cheating doesn't make one person a worser parent than a faithful one, and unless you're a court appointed custody evaluator it doesn't matter what you suggest.



I think quite often in a custody battle they are very close. Both parents are committed to their children. Both parents are involved in their lives. Both parents have no criminal record or history of abuse. 

I think often the courts have a difficult time deciding who is the best parent for the kids to live with.

If they do have to decide (because of a custody case) and all things appear equal, then the 'cheating' may be the deciding factor.


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## donders

SadSamIAm said:


> If they do have to decide (because of a custody case) and all things appear equal, then the 'cheating' may be the deciding factor.


I guess it could be but I doubt it's going to come down to that one factor. 

Best thing to do is try to work out a joint custody situation and not leave it to the courts, that could take years to work out and cost 10s if not 100s of thousands of dollars and it would really take a toll on the children who would have to be interviewed and feel like they must take sides and all that.

That's why when I see advice given that suggests taking actions to really mess up the life of the cheating spouse and the affair partner I think to myself, this is only going to make matters worse.


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## Shaggy

I guess I don't see the cheating aspect of a person as just a compartmentalized isolated piece of them. I see them as whole integrated person, and for that reason I do think that there is something seriously missing in their personal moral fiber that enables them to cheat in the first place.

Let's explore this a bit from the side that say's cheater can be great parents.

So would a convicted murderer, let's say a guy who killed his boss because the boss didn't give him that big promotion - would he be a good parent ? Would you leave your kids with him?

Would a drug dealer be a good parent? 

Would a pimp be a good parent?

My point is that everyone is faced with ethical and moral dilemmas in life and they challenge us to choose correctly.

Cheating is quite honestly wrong. No wiggle room, no grey area. It's wrong and people know it. The cheaters know it. In fact they know it so well, that they typically worry about their SO cheating on them, and would dump them in a minute if they caught them. They know it to be 100% wrong.

And I think that carries over into parenting in a couple of ways. First, it teaches the child that vows are negotiable after the fact. You can ignore them when you don't feel like living in them. 

It also sets up the very real belief in the kid - that even if someone has made a vow to them - they cannot fully trust the other person. They see their mom/dad who vowed to remain true - cheat on their parent - and break their vow. they see the hurt and devastation caused to the BS. They also learn they really can't truly depend on people. We focus on the BS and how they might never fully trust again, but what of the child who is there when this goes down. How do they learn to ever trust fully?

It also carries over into how the WS rewrites history at the expense of the BS. The kids know the lay of the land, and they see how you can later rewrite the truth to avoid being responsible. This is a huge problem in our society: People don't own their actions. They instead twist the truth to make it someone else's fault.

So while I'm not saying a WS should be locked up and their kids isolated from them - I don't go to the other extreme either: I don't buy that they are great or even good parents. They may be non-abusive, they may be non-seriously-harmful, but I won't go to them being good parents.


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## donders

Shaggy said:


> So would a convicted murderer, let's say a guy who killed his boss because the boss didn't give him that big promotion - would he be a good parent ? Would you leave your kids with him?
> 
> Would a drug dealer be a good parent?
> 
> Would a pimp be a good parent?


Yes they could be good parents and definitely NO WAY would I leave MY OWN kids with a murderer, a drug dealer or a pimp but I'd let a cheating wife babysit for them, absolutely.


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## Chaparral

kindi said:


> That's a rather generalized blanket statement that is in no way representative of every person that ever strayed within a relationship.
> 
> I believe that the rate of infidelity is something like 60%.
> 
> You're suggesting that more then half the population is amoral and doesn't know right from wrong?




The rate of infidelity is between 30 and 35% for men and women. Infidelity has tripled since 1997. Appx. 70+% of men and women admit they would like to cheat if they new they would not get caught. 80% of the families that divorce over infidelity regret that decision and wish they had stayed in the marriage and worked it out.


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## tokn

Its easy to arm chair a debate on whether a cheater is a good parent or not. But there are so many variables involved that we have no way of determining one way or another.

If we were to judge on this one merit alone, then yeah it would be pretty easy to conclude, but there's more it then just one factor.

This is like asking if a person with a HS diploma is better at (fill in the blank for profession) than someone with a degree? Statistics says yeah, but real world experiences tells me, it depends on the person.

In short, it isn't a black and white answer...


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## cdj

I have been reading all of these - and a few of the private messages I've received. My actions or lack thereof have nothing to do with "manhood" but rather the strong aversion to divorce and strong desire to do the right thing. Some of you are faster to pull the trigger than others - that's fine. As I mentioned originally, the affair had been emotional (talking at gym, texts, phone calls) and became aware of the fact of the conversations. The physical nature of the relationship only began recently.

I will say some dramatic things have happened the past week & some of it due to the advice I've received from you all. Thank you all for your concern for my kids - that has been my primary focus during this time. I can say with a lot of confidence this is over between her and the OM. But we are on a zero tolerance now.


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## Chaparral

cdj said:


> I have been reading all of these - and a few of the private messages I've received. My actions or lack thereof have nothing to do with "manhood" but rather the strong aversion to divorce and strong desire to do the right thing. Some of you are faster to pull the trigger than others - that's fine. As I mentioned originally, the affair had been emotional (talking at gym, texts, phone calls) and became aware of the fact of the conversations. The physical nature of the relationship only began recently.
> 
> I will say some dramatic things have happened the past week & some of it due to the advice I've received from you all. Thank you all for your concern for my kids - that has been my primary focus during this time. I can say with a lot of confidence this is over between her and the OM. But we are on a zero tolerance now.



Can you be more specific. Your story may very well help others to cope.

Did you know the other man?

Again, good luck.


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## keko

So she had her fun, got bored came back and you took her back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hapswrld

It's a painful process and you have to file divorce. There is just no other way around it. Especially if she's still seeing the OM than counseling is just a waste of time and money. Expose her, divorce her and take everything that is important to her away. Move on with your life. I hope you the best of luck and be strong. This is a great site for support and any questions you have.


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## donders

Hapswrld said:


> Expose her, divorce her and take everything that is important to her away. Move on with your life. I hope you the best of luck and be strong. This is a great site for support and any questions you have.


Either divorce her OR try to reconcile with her OR expose her and do all that revenge stuff if that's what gets you through the day.

Otherwise it's going to be a mess.


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## iheartlife

cdj said:


> I have been reading all of these - and a few of the private messages I've received. My actions or lack thereof have nothing to do with "manhood" but rather the strong aversion to divorce and strong desire to do the right thing. Some of you are faster to pull the trigger than others - that's fine. As I mentioned originally, the affair had been emotional (talking at gym, texts, phone calls) and became aware of the fact of the conversations. The physical nature of the relationship only began recently.
> 
> I will say some dramatic things have happened the past week & some of it due to the advice I've received from you all. Thank you all for your concern for my kids - that has been my primary focus during this time. I can say with a lot of confidence this is over between her and the OM. But we are on a zero tolerance now.


Thanks for the update, please share more detail when you get the chance.


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## the guy

Thanks for sharing. I hope your "friend" is history and your WW shows the signs for true remorse. There is a good chance that this woun't happen again but the correct steps need to be taken.

I use to sweep my wifes affairs under the rug and it continue to happen time and again. I hope the both of you take the healthy steps to prevent this from happening again.

What preventive maintence is your wife doing and is she doing the heavy lifting to fix her self and heal you?


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