# How many times for sex per week?



## freddie_fender (Mar 8, 2010)

OK, I know this one probably doesn't have a concrete answer, but I am very appreciative for any responses just to get an overall idea. I did a search of the forums but could not come up with any links to this question which surprised me.

So, I would like to know the following: how many times on average do you have sex together? Also, how long have you been together, and do you have kids.

We have been together for 8 years, no children, and we currently struggle to have sex once per week. I would say our average is once per week. 

I feel this is on the low side, but perhaps it is not. Any comments you have would be sooooooo appreciated. Thank you!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

As for frequency - you are definitely on the low end considering age and lack of kids. What have you done to make yourself more attractive to her?




freddie_fender said:


> OK, I know this one probably doesn't have a concrete answer, but I am very appreciative for any responses just to get an overall idea. I did a search of the forums but could not come up with any links to this question which surprised me.
> 
> So, I would like to know the following: how many times on average do you have sex together? Also, how long have you been together, and do you have kids.
> 
> ...


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## freddie_fender (Mar 8, 2010)

Well certainly try to work towards meeting all of her needs. And I think we are good on that end.

Unfortunately she takes medication that limits her sex drive it seems. But we are in our late 30s, and even with that issue of sex drive, I thought we would be able to work towards more than once a week. 

But then I also thought, oh, maybe its just me, maybe once per week is normal. But I was leaning heavily towards thinking we were on the low side.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Do you two talk about it? Do you talk about your needs/wants, sex, spicing it up, what she wants, how, and all of that good stuff? How important is it for you as a man to feel intimate to connect with her....plus it's just so damn fun?

My wife and eye have been down that road and honestly 110% the best sex I've ever had is being had right now in my mid/late 30's.

We understand each other, each other's needs, she'll look at our schedules.......I'm trying to score everyday if I can....she knows this. Kids, work, school, etc sometimes get in the way, but nonetheless if she sees that we won't be able to be together for the next 3-4 days she'll MAKE SURE IT HAPPENS THAT NIGHT. 

Explore talk etc etc........when my wife was on a project and going to school 12hrs she was dead 6am-10pm daily just those two and at times it wouldn't be sex, but it would be other "pleasing subtleties" you guys just need to work it out.

Good luck! As for our frequency it goes in spurts because of work, kids, and school. 2-3 times a week though if averaged. Like bam,bam,bam, nope, nope,nope, bam, nope,nope,nope, bam,bam,bam.

No kids you guys should be pretty fequent.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Here's an older thread posing this question:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/10680-sex-how-often-do-you-have.html


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I didn't ask you if you were "nice" to her or helpful around the house. I asked what you had done to make yourself more sexually attractive to her. These would be the same things that would attract other women to you. 
- fitness
- dressing well
- being fun to be around - not goofy fun - but upbeat and optimistic
- focusing on your career
- NOT BEING too nice - it doesn't work dating and doesn't work in a marriage - meaning - if you meet all her needs and she is ignoring a core need of yours - and your response is just to try harder to be nice to her - THAT is a turn off to most women

How often do you let her come to you? Hug you? Tell you she loves you first? 

If you keep saturating her with love while she is starving you in bed - you are reinforcing this behavior. Most of the time if you make the effort to be more attractive and less available that works. But that means you need to spend more time doing things for you and focus a lot less on her and her needs. This doesn't mean you aren't kind and loving when together it DOES mean you back off until she says "I want to spend more time together" and then let her get your attention with sex. 







freddie_fender said:


> Well certainly try to work towards meeting all of her needs. And I think we are good on that end.
> 
> Unfortunately she takes medication that limits her sex drive it seems. But we are in our late 30s, and even with that issue of sex drive, I thought we would be able to work towards more than once a week.
> 
> But then I also thought, oh, maybe its just me, maybe once per week is normal. But I was leaning heavily towards thinking we were on the low side.


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## Millania007 (Nov 16, 2009)

We have sex 2 times per week and 3 times per week on a good week(I prefer 3 times a week of course but with our work schedules/fatigue/diff sleep schedules-more than 2 times a week is sometimes not possible for us)- been together for 12 years and do not have any children

once per week is not too low, especially if she is on medication that lowers her sex drive, at least you guys are doing it once a week  unfortunatley some couples do it LESS than that


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Hmm- well we have been together for almost 6 yrs, and we're mid 20's..... we had a rough patch where we just werent really connecting emotionally or sexually- then i would say it was around 1time per week- and it was more for the sake of doing it.....

Since then we have reconnected and opened up our lines of communication with being honest about our wants/needs/fantasies.... and i would say that we have sex around 6 times per week..... sometimes more, sometimes less- 

Oh and we have 1 young child


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## freddie_fender (Mar 8, 2010)

So I get the idea that once per week, without kids, is on the low side.

But based on the fact my wife has a low sex drive, is that where it ends? Or is this a matter open to "pushing". Once per week does not work for me, and we have spoken at lengths about it. But still nothing ever seems to change.


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## freddie_fender (Mar 8, 2010)

Oh and I forgot to ask. Is it usually planned out schedule wise, or more spur of the moment.


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## Millania007 (Nov 16, 2009)

Freddie-do you always initiate? if so, maybe try initiating more often? 
does she turn you down a lot?
I never turn my hubby down unless I feel terribly sick or something, I hardly initiate, I gues I am bad at this part(I feel he may not be "up" for it if u get my drift)
tring harder to initate more often so we can up our 2 times per week to maybe a solid 3 or possibly 4 times per week
I can see why you are not ok with once per week
OK SWEETIE PIE I think we are all jealous of your 6 times per week sexcapades 
Oh and we dont plan it, it ALWAYS happens spur of the moment


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Ya its never something that we plan..... more of like flirting throughout the day, so we know what to look forward to, but like like "Ok hun....its 8:45, lets head to the bedroom, we have 15 minutes" lol- 

thnx millania heheheheheh good times


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

In a LTR this has a lot less to do with lust and a lot more to do with whether or not keeping YOU happy is a priority. 

My wife - her level of lust for me comes and goes - I think this is very normal since we have been together 21 years. But her desire to please me sexually is always high. She would never reject me - at worst she asks if we can connect the next day if she is tired. But that is because she wants ME to be happy. 

So to quantify - at year 21 - twice a week. Though if I want 3 times a week no problem. Twice is kind of our happy compromise. But on any given day I can say "baby I need you" and we connect. At year 8 we were a lot closer to 4-5 times a week and that was with 3 kids. But that was driven by me. I had a high drive and frankly would not have tolerated having MY needs deprioritized since I made her needs my highest priority. 

But FF - part of the recipe for success here is all the stuff I did outside the bedroom. It may not make W feel lust that I have stayed really fit. But it sure makes it easier to get her aroused in bed when the fitness level is high. And the fun to be with - upbeat with an edge behavioral stuff makes a big difference too. 





freddie_fender said:


> So I get the idea that once per week, without kids, is on the low side.
> 
> But based on the fact my wife has a low sex drive, is that where it ends? Or is this a matter open to "pushing". Once per week does not work for me, and we have spoken at lengths about it. But still nothing ever seems to change.


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## freddie_fender (Mar 8, 2010)

Hi Millania007,
Yes, as mentioned in another thread, in 8 years together she has initiated probably 5 times.

I certainly do try very hard to initiate more than once a week. But it usually is the case of either not interested or too tired, lets try for tomorrow.

Unfortunately I truly believe it is the case of a low sex drive due to medication that harms us. I guess my issue is I do try to initiate things more and it hasn't got us anywhere.

You cannot really tell me no not now I am not in the mood, because that applies all the time! So we need to work on a middle ground. I think sex is so important to the relationship. I don't want a roommate, and that is what I feel I have at times.

I have actually let things go once to see how long untiL maybe, just maybe she initiated. I lasted 3 weeks until I broke down. Not good. I mean we have no kids, jobs that coincide, and therefore no excuses.

{Freddie-do you always initiate? if so, maybe try initiating more often? 
does she turn you down a lot?
I never turn my hubby down unless I feel terribly sick or something, I hardly initiate, I gues I am bad at this part(I feel he may not be "up" for it if u get my drift)
tring harder to initate more often so we can up our 2 times per week to maybe a solid 3 or possibly 4 times per week
I can see why you are not ok with once per week
OK SWEETIE PIE I think we are all jealous of your 6 times per week sexcapades 
Oh and we dont plan it, it ALWAYS happens spur of the moment}


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## youngstown (Apr 16, 2010)

My husband and I have (had) the same issue. You need to address. Now.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Do you take responsibility on outside the bedroom--not "helping," but seeing what needs doing and then completing the task thoroughly? If she does ask you to take care of something, do you do it willingly and right away, or at least by the time you say you will? 

Men who act like children when it comes to these sorts of things are viewed by their wives AS children, and it's not a very sexy thing. Doesn't matter how "nice" you are or how much you "help," if you are always acting like someone who needs guidance on how to get the basics of household stuff taken care of. 

Do you take care of your own needs--outside of work--without expecting her to assist you? Do you make (and remember) your own dr's appointments, dry cleaning trips? 

Do you start foreplay first thing in the morning, by treating her well, noticing the little things, being affectionate (but not necessarily sexual)? Do you do this every day whether or not you expect (or hope) to have sex that night? She'll see it as manipulation if you only do it when you want something.

Do you listen--really listen--when she talks? Do you ask questions and offer words of support (rather than advice, b/c she'll ask for your advice if she wants it, so don't offer unless she asks). Do you make a note of things that seem to be important to her--either by what she says or does--and follow up, again no matter how big or how small?

She won't feel desire for you if she feels she's been giving and giving (esp in the sex department) and she's getting nothing or very little in return. Bringing home $$ is not all that important. It's one thing (no matter how big) in a day/week/month of many, many things you need to contribute to the relationship (and so does she). 

If you really care about her--and not about how much sex you are getting--you'll make a constant effort to contribute in many ways to her happiness. Then, whether she feels sexual or not, she'll want to please you in return. 

Good luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

freddie_fender said:


> Unfortunately I truly believe it is the case of a low sex drive due to medication that harms us. I guess my issue is I do try to initiate things more and it hasn't got us anywhere.


 What does she take - have you or her talked with her Doctor to see if she can be put on something different, to NOT lower her drive THIS much?? 

Her not even considering your needs, let alone feeling un-desirous herself, waiting OVER 3 weeks would be excruciating for a satisfying marraige bed. 

Address the meds if you can. Let her know this HURTS & frustrates you, that sexual intimacy helps bond you to her, makes you feel ALIVE, makes you feel loved, that you NEED this. She needs to meet you half way. 

I can speak for "not getting it/not feeling it" when I was younger in my marraige. Heck most of my marraige. 

Husband had the higher drive, but he never "pressured" me or let me know how he "felt". He sometimes even waited for me to come to him , I was not on any meds & once a week was just fine with me- I was completely satisfied. Was this way for pretty near 20 yrs of our marraige. Looking back, Husband now sees He should have sat me down & really TALKED to me about what he NEEDED sexually, instead of assuming I should have known. My sex drive was rather low, I simply had other things on my mind. (Had 6 kids in this time frame). 

I guess your wife is NOT clueless though as you say, she makes "excuses", so you ARE expressing your desire for sex towards her. *Maybe now you need to express HOW YOU FEEL WHEN these needs are NOT being met*, *or have you done this also to no avail? *  

Communication can not be underestimated here. Maybe she is the way I "was" -just not getting it or grasping how this makes YOU FEEL. Hopefully after you express this in a Loving way, she will CARE about Your needs, even if she is NOT feeling it herself - right now. Otherwise, trouble may lay ahead. 

As for me & my husband, I am very different than him, I probably do pressure & communicate every thought, and as I have aged, I entered that "Cougar" stage, my sex drive was AWAKENED monumentously - finally (sure took long enough!). Now higher than his - thankfully he is happy to be catching up, or I would now be the 
frustrated one. It is wonderful when your spouse is a "Pleaser". We do the deed averaging 5 - 6 times a week. Been going strong for over a year & a half now. You asked if Planned or spontaneous - for us, pretty much "assumed" later at night when we shut our door, an occasional morning planned if we missed at night & ALWAYS on days off. 

I would say this increased intimacy has made me the happiest ever in my marraige of almost 21 yrs.


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## freddie_fender (Mar 8, 2010)

She is on medication for depression. No, she won't consider talking to her dr about this issue..because of the intimate nature I guess. That doesn't make sense to me as I have constantly expressed my concern for our lack of intimate time.

I have expressed my feelings many times. And she realizes it is not good, but there seems like there are no answers. Either we increase the sex , but she will never be in the mood, or we seek out other options to counter the medication. I am disappointed that she will not consider speaking to her dr about meds or treatments or whatever to counter the meds. That bothers me since she knows how concerned I am on the subject. I am concerned at some point I will no longer want to be with my roommate..




SimplyAmorous said:


> What does she take - have you or her talked with her Doctor to see if she can be put on something different, to NOT lower her drive THIS much??
> 
> Her not even considering your needs, let alone feeling un-desirous herself, waiting OVER 3 weeks would be excruciating for a satisfying marraige bed.
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

freddie_fender said:


> She is on medication for depression. No, she won't consider talking to her dr about this issue..because of the intimate nature I guess. That doesn't make sense to me as I have constantly expressed my concern for our lack of intimate time.


 I have heard other places the mention of Wellbutrin increasing the sex drive in women or at least NOT decreasing it , I did a quick Google search & found this, but I bet you can find a bunch of studies backing this up.

Just read some of these posts on what this depression drug did for some of these women! Maybe your wife could just ask if she can get this drug -without going into her reasons for wanting it. 

Depression Forum - Increased Sex Drive On Wellbutrin Xl?


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## tiffgirl (Apr 18, 2010)

I would say 3 times a week is good/average? Just my opinion


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## grrrrr (Sep 16, 2009)

I had a much similar experience with and without children. I have been married for 9 years now, and I have tried everything. My wife just has a low libido. 

Sex is always when she wants to (as per her joke the other night, Ya it was just one of my 3 times this month), and we are around 2 times, once the first two weeks of the month. Anything after the 16th, I get nothing and expect it. My wife won't even talk to a doctor about it, but admits that is just how she is. Interesting isn't. 

I will try and help any way I can. I also used to be the husband that did everything even after a 14 hour work day. I have cut back my hours at work, and what I do around the house. Nothing changed for me. 

I also talked until I was blue in my face about my needs.

I will tell you that the people on this site are very insightful and care. Listen to these women. 

I just wanted to let you know that you were not alone by a long shot. 

Take care


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