# Has infidelity made you suffer fools, liars, cheaters less, and more voccally so?



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I nearly posted this on another thread. But I think that would be considered hijacking. So I started a new one. Here goes.



jupiter13 said:


> Now we will see what I will become. So far I have discovered I have no patience for anyone that lies to me for whatever reason. I have no tolerance for any kind of injustice and I have definite opinions for so many subjects before I could not care less about. So all this change may not be a good thing.


I would like to share my story regarding the quote above. I feel that the pain of real infidelity (the kind that is administered by the most cared for person in your life, not just a cheating bf of 3 months when you were 16) has changed me massively. I also no longer tolerate these things it seems. At least it seems now from my experience the other night. Is it for good or bad?

I was out for my friends birthday on Saturday night. A bit of a school reunion. All 5 of us childhood friends out together. 

Now I will digress a moment...before I met my current and when I was newly single after the break up of my unhappy union of 11 years with my children's father, I bumped into someone I had had a terrible crush on. 

I had originally met him on a camping trip, 2 summers in a row. When I 1st met him he had split from his wife. I was very unhappy in my relationship. Such was my crush that I thought about him between the 1st year of meeting him (1 week holiday) and the 2nd year summer camp of a week or so, every single day, a bit less towards the end of the year break, but very intensely for at least the first 6-8 months of that year. That crush was so immense. The year after that 2nd summer I split from my long term partner. The same year I bumped into this man I had the immense crush on, I was newly single, on a night out. I would have done ANYTHING for this man. He complimented me, flirted, we exchanged texts, he propositioned me, I was ecstatic, then he mentioned his wife. 'Your wife? You are talking to me like this and still married?' He said yes. I ended the conversation. This was BEFORE I had experienced the deep pain of infidelity. 

Back to the point, one of the girls on our friends night out on Saturday, we were catching up, she was asked what she had been up to, how was her love life. She answered rubbish! She had seen this man, that man, had a long affair with a married man....'Really' I asked. 'That is just wrong, that is absolutely wrong!' She gave the usual 'It is he that is doing wrong, not me, I am not responsible for his wife, his kids, he is, what do I owe them, he was unhappy in his relationship, not enough sex, we got on great' the usual crap. 'That is what they all say, do you think he is going to say I love my wife, she is great, but I would like sex with you too?' No! course not! He wants his cake etc. I lambasted her, I made it very clear my distaste and her stupidity, and her lack of morals. Anyway, she said, he did leave him for her! But he didn't move out! And then he went back to her! .....hmmm surprise! 

I really did piss her off the other night, really pissed her off! And there is no way before now that I would have reacted so strongly. But that is the pain of infidelity. She got it that night. She got my pain wrapped up in my response to her indifference, immorality, and lack of care for anyone but her. And in her naivety (she is 36, so really as a grown woman should know better), did she deserve it? Yes I think so, a few home truths were well deserved. But was I wrong? Too blunt? I think in this day and age infidelity is given such a normality in everyday life that people think nothing of it unless they are the victim of it. And only then do they truly realise. There seems to be little social consequence for it, and indeed very much a social acceptance. 

Yes I think she deserved it, but also, even though I would not have gone down the married man route myself, I would not have reacted with such ferocity before I had experienced the VERY REAL pain, deep gut wrenching pain, of infidelity.

BTW, I did smooth the waters. I didn't mean to personally attack her. But I made my social disgust known. Was I wrong?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Shamefully, she had no shame in initially announcing this. She was almost proud.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

I think I would have reacted the same as you. I imagine one day I too will be in a similar position. Let's just hope I can "smooth the waters" after I get my 2 cents in. lol


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## office girlie (Sep 1, 2012)

I think u were totally right in showing your disgust ! I did the same thing with my husbands OW calling her a few choice names when I found her texts to him. She never even replied. They just don't care. I might understand if it was a young girl but a woman in her 30's and 40's should no better in my opinion / of course so should the husband but that's another story !


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## office girlie (Sep 1, 2012)

I think u were totally right in showing your disgust ! I did the same thing with my husbands OW calling her a few choice names when I found her texts to him. She never even replied. They just don't care. I might understand if it was a young girl but a woman in her 30's and 40's should no better in my opinion / of course so should the husband but that's another story !


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I feel the same way.

I had little tolerance for infidelity prior to my experience but after experiencing it first hand and what it does to the spouse and the children, I pity the fool who shares their affair story with me.

Also, I had the lovely experience of having ex-OW share her "morals" with me via email recently and she pretty much went on in much the same way as the woman in the OP's story. "I did nothing wrong, he did. I did not hurt your children, he did. I'm a good person. You should look at yourself and your marriage. None of this is my fault. You don't know my side. I'm not desperate. It's not my fault your marriage was bad." 

Okay, Crazypants. Thanks for sharing what a dysfunctional wh0re you are with me. Now I get it. :slap:

Some people lack any ability to feel empathy for others, or own their choices. They are victims of cosmic accidents and nothing is their fault.

OW called our home like a psycho stalker even after she was told to stop as our children were home. She kept calling and my teenage daughter was so distraught, she was literally on the ground sobbing and this insane tramp still thinks she did nothing wrong. Some people just suck.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Zanna said:


> I feel the same way.
> 
> I had little tolerance for infidelity prior to my experience but after experiencing it first hand and what it does to the spouse and the children, I pity the fool who shares their affair story with me.
> 
> ...


I think there are a lot out there like that. They ignore all the causes of the issue and turn a strawberry into a cow. Skilled weirdos.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't know how I would react in someone's face, but I would freeze someone out who is cavorting with married /otherwise engaged partners.

How old is your friend? I am especially not impressed when younger women do this because, after all, if they supposed to be so much more desirable than us oldies, then why can't they catch a man who is at least available?


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## amusenet (Jul 12, 2013)

Definately yes. Unfortunately for me, one of the people I have completely lost respect for is my own sister. She had cheated on and left her husband a few years ago and now has a relationship and baby with the new partner. At the time I tried to understand, I knew they'd been a little on the rocks for a while beforehand, but I could also see how devastated my (now ex) brother in law was too. He'd asked me for help understanding what was happening, but at the time I'd not been able to do much, just shrug and say how sorry I was about it all. I did put his case, for all the difference it made.

I don't think you can fully comprehend it until it happens to you though. Now that my wife has done almost the same thing I can't even be in the same room as my own sister now knowing what she'd done.

This is just one more tragic thing about infidelity and divorce is the knock on effects it has when it ripples through people's lives. I don't think cheaters give a damn about the chaos they leave in their wake.


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

After a cheating father (story just posted on another thread 'Cheating parents: Your kids WILL suffer. They won't get over your cheating') Imagine my anger, disappointment and disgust at being dragged into the middle of my sisters DDay with her husband/partner of 11 years. 

2 years later i am still angry at her. 

My experience as a child leaves zero tolerance for cheating...and yet, she's my sister.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I think what you said about it becoming socially acceptable is a big part of it.. 

It's like everyone does it.. what's the big deal? The big deal is that it leaves a mess in its wake.. That it damages people and children..


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Just a couple of nights back, during a blow up, my WS again told me to get over her affair (stop bringing it up) and announced for the first time "It's no big deal, it happens all the time" (my paraphrase).

I think it was that statement that did it for me, or at least was pretty much the final nail. It's like the last item on the cheaters check list. She ticked that one and to my mind opened the door wide open on it happening again. I mean if it's "No big deal"....

But back to the question - I would say yes. Since Dday I do tend to tell people what I'm thinking. Watch out anyone condoning cheating in my general vicinity.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Horizon said:


> Just a couple of nights back, during a blow up, my WS again told me to get over her affair (stop bringing it up) and announced for the first time "It's no big deal, it happens all the time" (my paraphrase).
> 
> I think it was that statement that did it for me, or at least was pretty much the final nail. It's like the last item on the cheaters check list. She ticked that one and to my mind opened the door wide open on it happening again. I mean if it's "No big deal"....
> 
> But back to the question - I would say yes. Since Dday I do tend to tell people what I'm thinking. Watch out anyone condoning cheating in my general vicinity.


Yep. That final nail from my serial cheating WH was pretty much the same. "I can't believe you're throwing away nearly 16 years of marriage, our family, for what was probably 15 minutes of pleasure for me! It's just not that big a deal!" 

Well, first, since he's had 5 affairs that I know of, I'm thinking '15 minutes of pleasure' for him perhaps speaks volumes about his...um...performance. Ahem.

But what really got me was the idea that his serial cheating was no big deal. No big deal for him to risk his marriage and his family for cheap - and let's not forget _quick_ - thrills? But when I leave him for it, _I'm_ the one throwing our marriage away? 

And yes, after months and months of listening to WH babble on with his idiotic excuses, lies, platitudes, blame shifting, and gas lighting, I find I have very little use for anyone who does the same - or even gossips about it. The other day the older ladies at one of my clubs were tittering on about a 30 year old scandal involving a prominent judge and his pretty young law clerk. Apparently the entire family knew about the affair, but as was common at the time, the judge's wife just turned a blind eye and stayed with him. The ladies were laughing about how the now-grown children, all prominent citizens, _still_ won't speak to the new judge (the old judge's AP) and how it's sometimes hard for everyone in town to conduct business because of it. I just stared for a moment, making eye contact with each of the gossips, and said, "I can't imagine how painful all of that must have been for his wife and family. And I can't imagine laughing at their pain even 30 years later." Needless to say, I'm no longer sitting with the older ladies at the next club meeting.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Horizon said:


> But back to the question - I would say yes. Since Dday I do tend to tell people what I'm thinking. *Watch out anyone condoning cheating in my general vicinity.*


Yup. 

I have found my new lower level of tolerance to liars, cheaters, passive agressive people, blameshifters, rugsweepers is at an all time low. I am very apathetic and don't even want to meet new people. Had some bad experiences lately, from friends I have known 20 years to my sister to people I have become friends with after leaving my ex. 

POS behavior makes my skin crawl and I let it be known, sometimes not in the nicest way.


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## amusenet (Jul 12, 2013)

loopy lu said:


> After a cheating father (story just posted on another thread 'Cheating parents: Your kids WILL suffer. They won't get over your cheating') Imagine my anger, disappointment and disgust at being dragged into the middle of my sisters DDay with her husband/partner of 11 years.
> 
> 2 years later i am still angry at her.


I had a very similar experience, dragged into my sister's DDay because she shared a home with my mum. Or at least, dragged in on the day she wanted her husband to leave the house, I didn't find out about the cheating until later on. Then during my own DDay I heard more stories about what happened back then. I am disgusted and sickened by it. It's as if peope just cheat and leave and don't care at all. And the law backs them, and a bunch of other people just shrug and say "oh well these things happen.. try not to judge.. maybe there was something else we don't know about going on in the marriage behind closed doors.. maybe he wasn't such a good husband after all.. blah blah blah". I probably even said/thought those things myself up until I was the one that got betrayed.




browneyes74 said:


> I think what you said about it becoming socially acceptable is a big part of it..
> 
> It's like everyone does it.. what's the big deal? The big deal is that it leaves a mess in its wake.. That it damages people and children..





Horizon said:


> Just a couple of nights back, during a blow up, my WS again told me to get over her affair (stop bringing it up) and announced for the first time "It's no big deal, it happens all the time" (my paraphrase).


Yep going to agree with this totally. The most painful part of it all for me is this horrible realisation that people can be so shallow and care nothing for love or committment to another person. I got told 4 weeks after my wife left that I should "be over it by now" by someone in my own family! Not surprisingly, people who cheat seem to stick up for each other.

So Ok with some difficulty I can "get over" the woman who left me, and nsomehow deal with all the financial problems and everything else, but now I have to find a way to live in a world which now seems a lot different to the one I thought I lived in. 

It's as if I'm having to make myself accept a reality that violates all the principles I once held. Not very nice, but what can anyone do about it?


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