# Very confused



## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

Some of you may have responded to my "birth control" post a couple days ago well here's an update. I came home to find that he had packed all of his things and moved to his baby mama's grandma's house. Of course she welcomed him with open arms. He said he is taking the risk and he dumped me. He said that this is all a test because I have not changed for him. I yell when we argue and escalate the situation (may I add 95% I start yelling because he is either accusing me of being a liar or saying nasty things to get me to react). I can't help but feel as though he is punishing me, he doesn't even seem like he is sad or upset one bit. He made sure to change his fb status immediately to single when he dumped me. Mind you he has always been the one who has said "fb doesn't matter" and in the 4 years we have been together he has not posted a single one picture of me on his fb or profile pic. He says "it's MY profile" but he posts pictures of his son no problem. Anyways today he's on the phone saying "do you think you can change?" I told him "honestly right now I just can't get over being sad, I'm losing my family and I'm alone while you go home to people who love you, you aren't losing family at all" I just can't help but feel like he's punishing me. He says it's both of our faults things haven't worked out and yet he only talks about the things I have done wrong. He wants me to tell him he is right, that it's my fault but yet gets mad at me when I cry and say everything is my fault. That's just how I feel. Anyone go through a break up that keeps you hanging like he had made the ultimate sacrifice and threaten that you should change?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I think I could write a chapter or two in that book.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you'll be ok. Dust yourself off, make a new plan. And go for it.

He's still trying to manipulate you. There are two thoughts...

-Just say it. Tell him, yep, it is MY fault. And, no, I'm not willing to change. That way, you can pretty much guarantee he won't be back.

-Say nothing. Ignore the phone calls, texts, FBI reminders. Drop him off your existence meter.

In either case, you've dodged a bullet. You'll be thankfull in six months from now.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I know it hurts to the big time right now but I think you would be better off without him. He won't change.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I am of the belief that no one should have to change for anyone else, especially in this particular case. Move on, you could do a lot better.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Tell him you refuse to change in order to ensure he does not come back into your life and pollute it. 

And mean it.


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

I'm contemplating if I made a big mistake. Last night he stayed at the the house and of course things left to another 3 times! He ate my food, took a shower and a nap this morning. He asked if I was going to miss him, kissed me goodbye said he loved me and took the rest of his clothes with him. That's not all, I called off work tonight so that I could take his son trick or treating hoping that he would WANTS to come with but of course he said he was going to help Gma pass out candy (not knowing whether she was actually going to ass out candy) I just gave up said that he could take him trick or treating then and I'll just stay home. Feeling really defeated..


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You are so being used and mentally abused...he is not worthy of you, and i hope one day you find that out. Why would you want a relationship with someone who would manipulate like that...i would shut him down cold....and next he ask if you will miss him...tell him like hives....and walk away


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

So he came into the house, ate some food, took a shower, then packed up a few more things? Then had the nerve to ask you if you would miss him?!?

You do realize he is emotionally abusing you, right? He stays with baby mama's grandma....what makes you think he is not boning the baby mama?

You aren't married, thank your lucky stars you aren't! Stop entertaining him & give him the 180. Pack whatever is left & leave it out front for him. He has taken residences somewhere else, change the locks. Stop torturing yourself entertaining a man who clearly doesn't respect you or your feelings.


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

He says this must be done so that we can be together again and make things work.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

He correctly perceives you as easy prey. 

When are you going to smarten up?

When are you going to toughen up? 

Why don't you just paint a target on your forehead and wear a sign that says "abuse me"? 

Sorry for the tough love, but hey ...


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

He's using you girl. 

Staying with baby mama grandmother. That sounds fishy. I bet he's seeing baby mama again.


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

Baby mama is married. .


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

So... Just gotta say the obvious...

You have some screws loose upstairs.

Why, may I ask, did you take HIS SON trick or treating? You don't think that, oh, I don't know, maybe that's a PARENT'S job? Do you think that by doing so, it will lead him to believe it was a mistake to leave you?

Hon, get that notion out of your head. It's not that he's using you, it's more like you're refusing to see the writing on the wall. You're so blinded by pain and loss, you aren't seeing the forest through the trees.

He came over, got a meal, sex and a shower. Then flings a stupid comment your way and you're buying it, hook, line and sinker.

STOP.

Think rationally here. He left. That means no more meals, fun bag time or hot water to use at his disposal.

Quit hurting, move on to the obvious really bloody angry stage.

Don't take his crap anymore. Ever.


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

I treat his son like my own I have co - parented him since he was 6 months old. We have been together for 4 years. He said on the phone he hopes this doesn't take longer than a month, he will know when we are ready.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

If you make a doormat of yourself people will walk all over you.

The guy sounds like a total a$$hat.

Next time he calls tell him, "Yep, I've changed. I've realised you're a jèrk. Your remaining stuff will be in the yard by the morning. Don't wake me when you pick it up and don't call me again, EVER! Adios."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

lookingforpeace said:


> He says this must be done so that we can be together again and make things work.


And he says it will take more or less a month, yes? it is all about him, him, him...

and what you say? What do you think and feel? it sounds like your self esteeem is very low, and you will say "Yes" to every crap this guy says, and will beg for more. Just because he says something it does not make it so. He does not love you (or if he does is very twisted way), he does not respect you, he does not care about your hurting. But he wants to have you as a back up plan. Or back up vagina, waiting with shower and hot meal.

Stand on your own feet, head up, get strong. Him leaving is the best thing for you. Get into IC to start working on your own self esteem before entering another relationship.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

when Men marry they expect that their wife will change and their wives expect that their man never change .


i red your threads ;there are very important facts detected :

-you avoid him in your arguments to avoid confrontation .
-there is a chemistry issue that triggers both of you to fight .

-the guy loves you ; as it is obvious that he wants a chiild from you ; but he is upset from your way in handling things ; i am not saying that he is right but this is the fact.

-he considers that your silent treatment is a punishment you exert in conflicts.

- I feel you have a have a problem too in expressing your anger with him ; as well as love 


look deeper ; if you love him ; you need to start working on youself as well as him ; yes you need to change and he should change.
you both should be vulnerable to each other . otherwise nothing will work.

if you are just looking at this guy as a pass to a secure family , forget it ...

if you really love him ; talk to him in a nice place and tell him that you will work on change what bothers him ; at the same time he should change . 

i don't know if you are understanding me well;but I hope you take things deeper and find out what is really causing the issue ; i advise you to read "his needs her needs questionnaire"...
tc


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is an ass. Let him go and give thanks that you didnt marry him or get knocked up.


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

*Re: Re: Very confused*



lookingforpeace said:


> I treat his son like my own I have co - parented him since he was 6 months old. We have been together for 4 years. He said on the phone he hopes this doesn't take longer than a month, he will know when we are ready.


"hopes it doesn't take longer than a month". Not to be rude, but sounds like to me he is going to test the waters with someone else and your the back up plan. I really hope for your sake that i am wrong. He sounds like a douche.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

we didn't hear the other side of the story .
He might be an a**hole ; but the fact that he wants a child from her is a confirmation that he doesn't look at this relationship as an affair that goes in no time...

of course she shouldn't get preg now; but it seems that there are things we don't know about .

If she used silent treatment for a long period then it could be that he is angry from that .

the decision is yours ; but don't jump to false decisions just like that .

who said that relationships are rosy ; they are full of thorns but when pain is less than joy , and abuse (mental/physical) is there it is a successful one .


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

He just told me if I pick up smoking he won't want me back.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You really need to stop talking to him...

His mind games are making you crazy.


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

I feel like I lost my mind a long time ago. He told me with the first pack of cigarettes he wouldn't be mad if I had told him, he was upset bc I didn't tell him and that made me look sneaky. So last night I bought another pack and I told him he says "you pick up smoking and I won't want you back" mind**** anyone?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Just read your posts, and see how many times you wrote "he said", "he thinks", he he he. Can you write more about you - how do you feel about him making all the decisions, and you are just waiting there iwth hot meal waiting? Do you want your life to look like this?


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

I have tried telling him that I don't want him to keep coming over whenever he wants to have sex. He says he loves me and wants to make this work. Do I sound completely brainwashed?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

he loves you but he disappears after sex, right?


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

He still texts and calls after he leaves. But yes he leaves after we have sex and talk.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

So, basically he is in charge of the whole relationship. He comes when he wants to, he leaves when he wants to, he has sex when he wants to, he is free when he wants to. 

And you are just sitting there, waiting when he shows up, not knowing when, for how long. 

How do you feel about it? It does not sound like he cares about your wants, or your emotions. Do you feel used? do you want the rest of your life to look like this, you adjusting to his needs all the time? Only you can answer those questions, all we know here is what your tell us.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, you are being used for sex. 

Actions speak louder than words. He might tell you he loves you but his actions do not reflect that. If they did, he would be spending a much time with you as possible being a couple.

Cut him off completely, this guy is worthless and is using you.

Block him on text/email and do not pick up.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lookingforpeace said:


> I have tried telling him that I don't want him to keep coming over whenever he wants to have sex. He says he loves me and wants to make this work.* Do I sound completely brainwashed?*


YES, you do, because YOU ARE. YOU are allowing yourself to be used. You need to find your self respect and your dignity, and tell this a$$hole to go to hell. Geez, if all it takes is cigarettes to keep him away, then freakin LIGHT UP.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

lookingforpeace said:


> I treat his son like my own I have co - parented him since he was 6 months old. We have been together for 4 years. *He said on the phone he hopes this doesn't take longer than a month, he will know when we are ready.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> If you believe this, then I don't know what else to say to you. I can guarantee you that your BF is messing around with other women or at the very least entertaining a potential new piece.
> 
> ...


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