# Help! We are heading down the road to Divorce!



## MelJoCon (Jun 16, 2010)

Okay so this has been going on for the last two years. Since moving to the community we are now living in, my husband has been a totally different person. He's not at all what he was when we first got married. We've been married for 4 years now and have three kids, twins age 3 and daughter who is about to turn 2.

I have not been the greatest wife as I absolutely hate cleaning and don't do much of it. But as a stay-at-home wife/mother (which is what my husband wanted), i think he feels that I'm not doing enough. I have a hard time keeping his laundry done (I have to take it and 3 kids to the laundromat) and I hate to clean our tiny apartment.

Just recently. We were evicted from our apartment due to 'unsanitary living condition' that I keep it in and because we were two months behind on rent. A few days after that, while my mom had our kids, I put my van in the ditch because I fell asleep and missed the curve in the road. 

So now my husband is mad at me for our eviction and because we can't afford to fix the van but I have nothing else to drive. So anyways, the last couple of months have gotten harder for us because he's been working out of town and when he gets the chance he doesn't come home to see us. He comes home and does other stuff (like help friends with their cattle and party, etc). I am not a drinker at all and that seems to be all he does anymore.

I know this isn't making sense, but I think we can solve some issues if he would just take the time to sit down and talk to me. Any suggestions on how I might get him to do this?

Reminder: This is a cowboy we're talking about and he seems to think he's mister tough. Grrr.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I dunno... It seems like you guys need to get on each other's team. You won't get anywhere if you don't work together, and each keep up your end of the bargain.

Personally, I think if your job is house and kids, then you should do your best on both fronts. I know what it's like to have small kids, and sometimes it's just a fight to keep up. But, you can't choose to do nothing about the house because you don't like it. We all have parts of our jobs we don't like.

If his job is to earn income for you guys to live, then something is missing from his part, too. There isn't money to party, or even drive extra miles, if the rent isn't getting paid. Shelter is important!

Can you guys talk about it and set goals? I can understand him not coming home at time off if you cannot afford it, but not for him to party somewhere else. He also has responsibility to the family.

Best of luck! And, hope you two can get on the same team..


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I understand that you have a really full plate with 3 toddlers. Holy cow, that's a lot of work. A warning to you though.....if your landlord had reported you to Child Protection Services for the unsanitary living conditions, you could be looking at the state taking your children away from you.

It sounds to me like your husband is unhappy with the way things are at home, so he avoids being there. That is not going to fix anything, and only going to make the whole situation worse. Providing his family with the necessities like shelter should be a priority.

I don't know many people who LIKE housework. Personally, I'm not very fond of it.....but I do it. I turn on some upbeat music and make the best of it. I do it for my family. I do it because I want my children to have a safe, happy home. I do it so my husband is happy to come home and be able to relax after work. He wants to spend time here. I don't think he really would if it were a pigsty. I may not like housework, but I do get a sense of accomplishment from it.

If you can't get him to sit down and talk right off the bat, then start with making an effort on your own. Make some kind of routine for yourself regarding the housework. He will notice. Then, sit down with him and take ownership of the mistakes you've made. Tell him that you love him and you want this marriage to work, that you know you have done _____ and _____, but you're really making an effort to do better. Tell him that you and your kids want to spend time with him, need to spend time with him. See how that goes.

Best of luck to you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Frankly, I suspect you have an undiagnosed illness. Don't waste any time feeling shamed and guilty about this, however!!!!; just get off your butt and visit a doctor. The type of behavior you describe (for yourself) is very abnormal. You could be suffering from depression related to post-partum depression, or severe ADD/ADHD, or any number of things that interfere with your ability to function normally (and I mean normally for a mom of 3 tiny kids--we ALL understand how overwhelming it is!!!) A medical doctor may be able to provide some ideas on ways to attack whatever issue is keeping you from being more productive. None of us "like" housework, but it is the very rare individual who will let his/her children live in filth. 

And "we can't afford it" is not an acceptable excuse. You cannot afford NOT to see a doctor about this. Trying to cope on your own may mean divorce and/or losing your kids to CPS. With 3 small kids and a very low income, you will very likely qualify for social services/medical care. It is easy to feel overwhelmed by the process of applying for free medical help, so make that your first task--finding a family member or friend to help you organize what you will need to take with you when going to a public clinic. You can even call and ask what you need to bring. Do that today or tomorrow at the latest. Then GO. Be very honest with the doctor about these things--so unmotivated you have been evicted for unsanitary living conditions, falling asleep at the wheel, a husband threatening divorce. The doctor will know what questions to ask, then. If you just go in and say, "I don't seem to sleep well and I don't have a lot of energy," the doctor may not get to the depth of the problem. 

Right now, don't try to convince your h of anything. Tell him you are going to find help for yourself and your kids will be safe b/c you are staying with family (if that is true). Ask him to stop drinking while you work on yourself, and encourage him to consider finding a better way to deal with his anger, sadness, and frustration--he is probably feeling pretty hopeless himself, married to someone who cannot maintain basic cleanliness and order in a home. Suggest exercise--esp. jogging or another aerobic activity--b/c it will relieve stress best. Then leave it at that, for now. 

Think seriously about living with relatives for a while--someone with a laundry machine, preferably. It will allow you to save money, too. Trying to tackle your own issues without support, as the SAHM of 3 small kids when your h is often away--that is probably too much to take on right now. Once you have gotten some medical advice and maybe worked with a social worker to develop better coping and organizational skills, you can ask h to sit down and talk about planning for the next 3-6 months (time you will be using to prove to him you are confronting and managing your issues). Ask him to give you this time to show real progress. And of course, then you have to live up to your commitments by continuing to get the external support you need, doing your work at home (housework, taking care of the kids, reading about relationships, etc). 

Good luck, and please find and contact a free clinic today. You really need more help right now than an online forum can provide.


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