# I don't know what to say any more...



## talley10 (Aug 21, 2010)

Hello all! This is my first time in a forum like this so bear with me. I'm glad there is an anonymous outlet that I can discuss my issues in and I hope that I'll get some good advice. So...


I have been married for 8 months now. Everyone I know has told me that "Marriage is the hardest during the first year" or something to that effect. And to some degree that's true. But my issue is beyond the normal "getting to know each other better/living together/finances" type newlywed stuff. 

It seems as though my husband has changed from how he was when we dated. I know that a certain amount of charm and all that jazz is on when you're dating but now it's like it's a chore for him to even want to kiss me, hold me, hug me or anything like that. 

He is a very hard worker, working 6 days a week. I understand that when he gets home he is very tired (as he works 10-12 hours most days). However, that is not a good excuse to totally ignore my needs as well. I am a student and I don't have a job that pays as much as his so in return, I feel it's totally my duty to take care of the house until I am out of school and matching his salary. But again, just offering a "thank you" or "that looks great" would be nice, instead of picking on how bad my cooking is (i'm trying  ) or criticizing the way I do things. He also gets irritable if I want to come cuddle with him on the couch. I get it that no one wants to be layed on all the time but when I haven't seen him all day for a few days in a row, I want some comfort. Next issue...

We have always had a playful relationship. Every once in a while he would pick at me when we were dating and it was pretty funny then. Well, now that we have the responsibilities we have, sometimes I'm just not in the mood to be picked on but he will not quit. When I try and confront him about it, I'm pegged as being "emotional" and that I need to get over it. I mean, I'm not as emotional as most women but I can only take so much. He's not listening and realizing he is making me that way!! Not to mention that he constantly picks at the way I look, pointing out obvious zits or things that just happen to pop up...or talk about my breath every time he comes up to me. And yes, I brush my teeth/floss/rinse all the time and I still hear it. I know he is playing but I have put on about 15 pounds since we got married and I'm not feeling that great about myself. When he picks on my appearance, it's kind of a touchy spot for me and he has yet to get that through his head.

My final issue is this: Sex. For any men in here, you have got to realize that most women don't just "get up and go" like a man can when it comes to this. He actually yelled at me one night because "it" just wasn't happening....not because I wasn't enjoying it, but because I was just tired. Yelled at me...I mean, come on. Outside of sex, he never takes the time to just hold me. And sometimes its a chore to make him kiss me. I just don't understand. Oh, and this doesn't really fall under sex but I also want to add that he does absolutely nothing to make me feel special. Not even a flower from time to time or a sweet note. We are indeed on a tight budget for a little while but that doesn't mean he can't print a sweet letter off the computer...or go to Walmart and get me a cheap bouquet of flowers. 

How in the world do I get him to realize how he is treating me?? I've tried to talk to him about it all and all I get is that I'm being "emotional" or the "I've got 3 sisters and a mom and know all the tricks" speech. It's really beginning to wear on me and hurt my feelings. I've bent over backwards to make life as easy as possible for him because he works so much. But I have emotional needs too that need to be met. I try hard to see his side of the story (being a bachelor for so long) and empathize. I feel so weird writing all of this because I hardly ever complain and or nag but something has gotta give. 

Help me!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

How long did you guys date before you married? did you live together first? Im just wondering because sometimes people say they've only been married a few months but they've dated for years. 

I fought with my H for years trying to get my needs met. That never worked. So im trying something different. I am trying not to get all my needs met by my H- im only focusing on the needs he can meet. those needs are few and not at all as passionate as it was in the beginning but they do exist. Ive had to take a step back and ask myself if my H really _should_ do what I want. Ive stepped back and tried to see him as being just human, like me, with his own needs, his own trials, and his own dysfunctional ways of dealing with it. In that respect i see my H more like a friend and I have better boundaries with him. I know that sounds completely counter intuitive, and completely crushes the romantic fairytale, but I think ive put entirely too much pressure on my relationship. I dont know if that is the case for you, but it is something to consider. 

I know what you are thinking. in the beginning this approach is completely heart-breaking. it feels like you've lost all chance at "real" love. a lot of resentment boils under the surface. but this has not been my long-term experience with this emotional distance experiment. i love my H more now then I ever have. 

I am still conscious of my needs and what i need from my H. but i see it in a different light. before i try and get what i need from him i wonder more about what he's going through, wondering what needs he has that i dont meet, and i try to care about him more then i need him to meet my needs. I still talk to him about my needs. but the sense of urgency, the fighting is gone because i dont think he should meet those needs if he cant. I do expect him to work on meeting my needs, but i also ask myself if there's anything I can do for myself to meet that need.

It is really complicated, confusing, and painful. Hang in there. Some books ive read that have really calmed things down for me are relationship rescue, Boundaries in marriage, seat of the soul, radical forgiveness, the five love languages, various anger workbooks, and this website Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self
i also go to individual counseling. So you can see it takes a lot of work and a lot of time.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Like Blanca, I wonder how long you two dated before getting married. 

When two people first start dating, the put their best foot forward. They go above and beyond to look like the ideal romantic partner, they strive to meet every single need (even if it's not possible or farfetched) because they want you to choose them over all the other potential partners out there that (in their mind anyway) are competing for you. 

Once the two commit to each other...a lot of that tends to slack off. It's not that they don't still care about their partner, it's just that it's so much work to keep that front up, to keep doing all that stuff and still manage their day to day life. We tend to neglect a lot of our day to day stuff, or at least only "half-ass" it, so once we get the commitment, we not only need to keep up with all our other stuff, but often catch up on it as well. 

Men are usually much more guilty of this than we are, for some reason. Not sure why, but it does seem they tend to slack off more than we do. The thing is, though...it's not that there's a lack of love. It's that priorities change. Initially, his priority was to win you over, once he did that and got you to marry him, now his priority is to provide for you, so he focuses more on work and whatever. 

You've got to keep trying to talk to him about this. My boyfriend and I have been going through some rough times lately, and when I hold back and don't talk to him, it only makes things worse. When I do talk to him, things are better. Even if he thinks I'm being overly emotional or that my feelings aren't justified or whatever, I keep talking to him, trying to find different ways to explain it so that he gets it. He doesn't have to understand my feelings, but why I might feel that way. He has to be able to say, "Ok, I think it's ridiculous that she's so upset that I pointed out a zit, but...well, that is the only thing I said to her all day, so I guess I can understand why it might bother her." 

Communication is sooooo important. As my boyfriend once told me very recently, "I do need you to talk to me, so I can figure out what's going on and what I gotta do about it, and if there's anything you need to address as well." If you don't talk to each other, things just keep going the way they are, the annoyance and resentment builds and you end up getting divorced over something that could have been resolved with a simple conversation. Keep trying to talk to him.


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