# Rules of seperation by JCD



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

One: The one who throws the other one out has the responsibility to outline the procedures for the other to return or to highlight to the cast out spouse when they are allowed to ask for a return. YOU threw him out.

Two: As the spouse throwing out the other person, you have two months to outline your long term intentions. After that, the other spouse has to assume divorce...and is free to act accordingly.


Three: The rules of contact are entirely up to the spouse who threw the other spouse out. You can say a call a week...or daily calls...or only texts and the cast out spouse should respect that except for emergencies...BUT...don't be surprised if the do not take advantage of every call they are 'allowed'. YOU rejected THEM. Seperation is a huge hurdle of communication...and it's unlikely to get BETTER

Four: If you reject your spouse with a seperation, you are essentially removing yourself from influencing them. You can HOPE you retain the same influence, but their schedule outside of the kids is entirely up to them now. You are free to approve or disapprove, but if you REALLY wanted some control, you'd have them home. Don't expect them to gleefully share their schedules, hopes and dreams.

Five: If you expect the sepearation to be a punishment, expect to be resented and expect it not to work. There is nothing so...maddening as to throw someone out, and shorn of the majority of their responsibilities, see them enjoy life more. I am not going to hustle my ass home for a 'honey do' list for a person who rejected me unless I am REALLY commited and feel very much at fault.

Six: If you even breath the word 'divorce' don't expect the spouse to pine whistfully for more than a month or two. 

***

Discuss, tear apart or make your own.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

My H and I are separating in 6 weeks, so I've been thinking a lot about this. Ours is a mutually-agreed on separation, though. No one's kicking anyone out. 

1. Have a time-table in mind. H and I will separate for 3 months.

2. Have concrete personal goals. I know what I need to work on during the time apart to be ready to come back together. I'm going to talk with our MC about this and do what she recommends too. That includes reading, meditation/praying, and replacing bad habits with better ones. This all goes for H too.

3. Have a plan in place for how you're going to treat each other when you move back in together. Artificial and scripted? You bet! But obviously our instincts failed us or we wouldn't be in this place, so we're going to have to replace them with deliberate, planned behavior. Hopefully the new and improved behavior will become the new default before too long.

4. Have a plan to keep yourselves on your new and improved track. We have to hash this out with the MC, but I'm thinking it will include scheduled state of the union talks with each other and the MC.


I'm mentally thinking of the separation as more of a "retreat" than a separation, mostly because separation has the connotations of trial divorce, and that's not what we're going for. It's a time to take the pressure off of being a good spouse while we both learn to be better people.

I hadn't thought about rules for contact, but that's a great one. I'm envisioning contact being kept to a minimum, or else what's the point, but H and I haven't talked about this. Well, H and I haven't talked about anything, which is part of why we're where we are. But I haven't thought about it yet. I'll add it to my list of things to bring up at MC.

I'm curious to see what other couples are envisioning for their separations.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

northernlights said:


> My H and I are separating in 6 weeks, so I've been thinking a lot about this. Ours is a mutually-agreed on separation, though. No one's kicking anyone out.
> 
> 1. Have a time-table in mind. H and I will separate for 3 months.
> 
> ...


I like your plan. It seems a trifle idealistic and there is a possibility that seperation will NOT make the heart grow fonder.

It sort of worked for my wife and I. We are doing much better...at least I think so (we are still seperated by my work)


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

JCD said:


> I like your plan. It seems a trifle idealistic and there is a possibility that seperation will NOT make the heart grow fonder.
> 
> It sort of worked for my wife and I. We are doing much better...at least I think so (we are still seperated by my work)


Lol, it probably is a bit idealistic. I should tone my expectations down I suppose if I don't want to be disappointed. Optimism. It's my strength and my weakness. 

I hope your separation works for you guys.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

JCD said:


> One: The one who throws the other one out has the *responsibility to outline the procedures* for the other to return or to highlight to the cast out spouse when they are allowed to ask for a return. YOU threw him out.
> 
> Good luck with logic and reason or boundary setting.
> 
> ...


Just my take. You know how wrong I can be.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

If I am throwing someone out, it's either because some personality trait or action of theirs is unacceptable. The other reason is that they are gone, period. So, as the tosser, I need to outline WHAT the issue is and HOW that person can fix it. Oops, reason 3: you are incredibly mad and want to cool down.

As far as long term intentions, I am saying that it's unfair to leave a spouse in Limbo. So if you DON'T telegraph your intentions (most likely because you are trying to blindside the tossed), don't be surprised if they assume the worst *and they blindside YOU* with a girlfriend or divorce papers.

Seperation means seperation. So, since you are the 'mad' party, you get to decide how much you want to hear from the other spouse. You are saying "I will allow you one phone call a week" Key word: allow. Maybe, because THEY are angry for being tossed out on their ear, they don't WANT their allowance. So you can limit them...but you can't make them call.

I was just trying to outline that one of the frequently unexpected consequences of separation is that you lose whatever influence you had on your spouse. Don't want them to drink? Tough! Think that pizza and beer is an unhealthy diet for a grown man? Tough! Don't want him hanging around with his 'loser friends'? Why should he care so much? He isn't getting sex, he isn't getting affection, and he isn't getting meals. THEORETICALLY he should care, because he wants to come back and has to live with the consequences of what he's done...but...well...the longer it stretches, the less he cares.

It is the hope of the tosser (if they want the other person back) that they will be missed. That what they offer is so wonderful that they person will come with tru repentance and remorse. But...sometimes life isn't like that and you aren't as wonderful and irreplacable as you thought.

Just saying.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I apologize. I misunderstood what you were trying to say.

If my wife could have, she would have thrown me out. She ended up leaving. She planned it well and had some things gone, but not everything. She said if she took all of her stuff that would be it. It did not go well for me. 

At one time, I thought she wanted me to come begging her to come back. I felt she wanted me to make amends. I didn't know why. I still don't. I am not perfect, but she was unfaithful. Apparently, I could have cheated and it would not have been as bad as being a slacker around the home. 

Somehow, she took the high road. I got the low road. I put myself there and I had help putting myself there. I tried to communicate when she didn't want it. That and my nervous breakdown are the things that put the final nail in the coffin. At least, that's what I know.

Your plan is correct. If she throws you out, you can do what you want. In my mind, until the divorce papers are signed by a judge, I am still married and under the same rules that apply to adultery as when we lived together. 

So, she doesn't have a right to demand what I do with myself just as if we were together, but I have a personal responsibility to the marriage and myself to live up to the agreement. I also have a responsibility to God not to breach the contract. 

Anything I do that does not show faithfulness to the marriage is wrong in the same manner as it would if we were living together. It also shows great disrespect for that woman who is still my wife. I cannot do it any other way. That is how I am.

Separation is usually the last ditch effort, I thought, to make the marriage work. It's kind of like waking someone up with an ice cold bucket of water. If what I just wrote is true, why would someone want to do something that would jeopardize that last chance? If they don't care, they should file for divorce immediately because it is over and done.

I didn't know what she wanted. I could not think. I didn't think there were rules laid out. Maybe she did. It is difficult when one person has a playbook and the other doesn't. It is definitely harmful to be in limbo.

Thank you.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

northernlights said:


> 1. Have a time-table in mind. H and I will separate for 3 months.


How do you do this? Moving in with a family member or friend temporarily?

If my H and I separate I'd have to lease an apartment, buy furniture, dishes, etc. So, when I leave it'll likely be for good.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I apologize.
> Separation is usually the last ditch effort, I thought, to make the marriage work. It's kind of like waking someone up with an ice cold bucket of water. If what I just wrote is true, why would someone want to do something that would jeopardize that last chance? If they don't care, they should file for divorce immediately because it is over and done.


That's not necessarily an option. Some of us live in states where we have to prove we've lived separately for a year before we can even file for divorce.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

JCD,
Just a thought. You can't legally throw your spouse out of the marital home nor can your spouse throw you out, so steps 1 and 2 need to be revised. Leaving the marital home is a VOLUNTARY act by one of the spouses, unless a court order is involved. Also, you cannot stop yourself or your spouse from returning home once they leave absent a court order to the contrary, so the term "throwing them out" does not really fit. Just saying...


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

My wife and I are at an impasse, marriage is dissolving
She blew up, moved out a month ago, came back 3 weeks
ago when she got sick of the friend she was staying at (or vice versa)

It was livable with her gone, texting occaisionally on bills, kids
etc. Then she abruptly moved back, wasn't back 30 minutes and
she was demanding I move out. Her obvious goal is to get me
to move out. While tempting, to move I run my business out of the house and moving would have to be very permanent

There is deep hostility in the house, someone needs to move
I guess it will be which one of us has the nervous breakdown first

War of the Roses


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> How do you do this? Moving in with a family member or friend temporarily?
> 
> If my H and I separate I'd have to lease an apartment, buy furniture, dishes, etc. So, when I leave it'll likely be for good.


We're both now living in a rented apartment outside of the US, but we have a house in the US. I'm moving back to our house, he's staying behind in the rental. So, it's really easy for us right now.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

.....and if the thrown out spouse is having any kind of A, your rules don't mean a thing!
Sorry!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Dumpedagain,
Make sure you carry a voice activated recorder on you at all times. Your situation is ripe for false domestic violence charges in order for her to get a restraining order to have you evicted. If your marriage is over I recommend you file and at the first hearing ask the court for exclusive use of the marital home during the divorce since she left once already. End the hostility by having her removed before she does it to you via the domestic violence response system.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

excellent advice, she agreed to go to my MC counselor
tomorrow, but now is saying it needs to be her counselor, mine
is somehow tainted, 

She did call the cops last week, they asked if there
was violence, she said no

Next time all she has to do is scratch herself and I am in jail overnight and out the door


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Your wife is not looking to go to counseling, she is looking for a referee. She wants her counselor to tell her she's right and you are wrong. You need to be VERY careful how you proceed and interact with her.

You are correct, one self-inflicted wound is all it takes and without a VAR to back up your side of the story you will be GUILTY of domestic violence. A restraining order will be issued, you will be evicted and you will lose your home in the subsequent divorce. You will go to jail and have a criminal record which with DV, can NEVER be expunged. It is with you for life. 

She has tested the waters with the cops and knows all she has to do is answer yes next time and you are gone. She knows you know this as well. Please protect yourself. Have NO interaction with her in the home. If things get heated, go to another room or leave. She will try to start fights with you so she can feel "threatened" and call the cops again.

Since the cops came once (assuming because you had a fight) there should be a police report stating there was no violence. You are going to need this to show the pattern of her calling the cops for no reason should it happen again. 

Talk to an attorney ASAP and protect your property rights. Family law DOES NOT RESPECT THE US CONSTITUTION and your property can be taken without due process. 

Now, get that VAR. Sorry all for the thread hijack. Back on topic.


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## DumpedAgain (Feb 14, 2013)

Very good advice,

BTW, where is a good place to get a VAR, does radio shack 
carry such things?


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

I went to Best Buy and got 2 of them for $50.00 each. Read the instructions so you can set them to silent, so they don't beap. It gets tough to keep them hidden. My wife found mine in my work travel bag.


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