# Poor sex for last 2 years



## marriageconcern (May 30, 2014)

Hi everyone! I am 33 and my wife is 35. We have been married for 4 years now. We never (rarely ever) had a satisfying sex for both of us. Now since we have our kid (2 yrs old) she is very stressful carrying for him and I totally understand. We sometimes go without sex for weeks. I want to start fixing problems before it becomes too big. I am absolutely VERY much attracted to my wife. Because of stress of our little one she seems to lose her libido and does not want to have sex often and I am exactly opposite. I know I am also at fault that when we try to have sex, I have problems with premature ejaculation and later I am shamed at myself and the thought of not satisfying her kills me all day. She seems to not care about it, but I do not want to take it easy. We love each other very much (at least I do for sure). I want to have long lasting sex so that I satisfy her (my primary goal). Thank you all in advance.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I comment reluctantly... if your wife is like my wife (child is 15) her desire will not change for a very long time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

stress....from a 2 year old kid? What stress????

My wife traveled for work pretty much every week, and I took care of two kids while I was a manager at a company. It was interesting, but I would not say "stressful". Tell her to grow the heck up

First, find some day care for the kid.

2nd, have your wife get a job.

3rd, there are creams to desensitize the penis, get some and try it.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

... Strangely stress from a 2yr old doesnt seem like much when you have a 13year old....but at the time it seems stressful!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Two year old kids are a handful, not called the terrible two's for no reason. However, it's not an excuse. I say this as a mother with a child with special needs, a person that works full time and is enrolled in school. I still manage to have a meaningful relationship with my spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Two year old kids are a handful, not called the terrible two's for no reason. However, it's not an excuse. I say this as a mother with a child with special needs, a person that works full time and is enrolled in school. I still manage to have a meaningful relationship with my spouse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Keep it up! .... Our 10yr old daughter has had 4 heart surgeries and father and mother both own separate small businesses . Our son is 15. Somewhere along the way our sex has died off... dead! So you are still doing well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Two year old kids are a handful, not called the terrible two's for no reason. However, it's not an excuse. I say this as a mother with a child with special needs, a person that works full time and is enrolled in school. I still manage to have a meaningful relationship with my spouse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Stress is a 22 year old stuck in Europe with a non functioning ATM card, not a 2 year old who just wet his Pampers. Tell your wife to get in touch with reality if at all possible.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

john117 said:


> Stress is a 22 year old stuck in Europe with a non functioning ATM card, not a 2 year old who just wet his Pampers. Tell your wife to get in touch with reality if at all possible.


I remember how sleep deprived I felt and I wasnt waking up HALF as much as my wife....come on get real ...sleep deprivation is terroble if you have any experience of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

The thing with the two year old, for me, was constantly being touched. By bedtime I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't feel very sexy during those years either.

However, you seem to be saying the sex has always been off. That's a different situation and your child might be a convenient excuse for her.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

soulseer said:


> Keep it up! .... Our 10yr old daughter has had 4 heart surgeries and father and mother both own separate small businesses . Our son is 15. Somewhere along the way our sex has died off... dead! So you are still doing well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not always "up", there's an understanding that is important. I can't imagine being upset over no sex during times like yours with heart surgeries involved. It's about finding balance and recognizing that you are still a couple. There's been days were it's been I'm passed out at 8 PM. That's fine too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

soulseer said:


> I remember how sleep deprived I felt and I wasnt waking up HALF as much as my wife....come on get real ...sleep deprivation is terroble if you have any experience of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I spent well over a decade in college some while working and with two young children..... and my older girl (the 22 year old mentioned) took 5 years to sleep thru the night. Believe me I know all about sleep deprivation. It's bad but solvable. 

I'm mid 50s now and rarely sleep more than 6 hours a day.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

soulseer said:


> I remember how sleep deprived I felt and I wasnt waking up HALF as much as my wife....come on get real ...sleep deprivation is terroble if you have any experience of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If a 2 year old is still waking everyone up in the middle of the night, there is a discipline issue.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> If a 2 year old is still waking everyone up in the middle of the night, there is a discipline issue.


Not exactly, our son was up all night and we kept on blaming ourselves. It's part of his condition he doesn't produce enough melatonin. It took us 10 years to get him to sleep through the night, last winter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Not exactly, our son was up all night and we kept on blaming ourselves. It's part of his condition he doesn't produce enough melatonin. It took us 10 years to get him to sleep through the night, last winter.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't doubt you at all. But as a child care provider for many years, you have no idea how many parents were giving their kids melatonin and telling me not to allow them to sleep during the day despite them falling asleep in their morning snack all because Mom and Dad would not put them to bed. We regularly get notices from the elementary school about an epidemic problem with sleep deprivation.

The vast majority of 2 year olds can just go to bed.

Go to bed and STFU! Ok that was not really serious.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to look at your home life to see how to restructure things to make it less stressful for your wife.

Does he set time away from your child every week?
What time does your child go to bed at night?
Not all women do well as SAHMs. Some do better working.
How much time do you spend with your wife, just the two of you?

A good place to start with this kind of a revamp of your marriage/life are the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Tell your wife that you are seriously not happy with the way things are going so you need for her to work through the books with her. The purpose is to make both of your lives better.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

But OP mablenc has a good point. If there is an issue with sleep, there is no harm in a discussion with the ped.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

mablenc said:


> Not exactly, our son was up all night and we kept on blaming ourselves. It's part of his condition he doesn't produce enough melatonin. It took us 10 years to get him to sleep through the night, last winter.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/
> 
> It's not the same since your son is sick.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> I don't doubt you at all. But as a child care provider for many years, you have no idea how many parents were giving their kids melatonin and telling me not to allow them to sleep during the day despite them falling asleep in their morning snack all because Mom and Dad would not put them to bed. We regularly get notices from the elementary school about an epidemic problem with sleep deprivation.
> 
> The vast majority of 2 year olds can just go to bed.
> 
> Go to bed and STFU! Ok that was not really serious.


I hear you, I knew a couple that would let thier toddlers stay up until 12 am. I didn't see them later but, I wonder about their adjustment to kindergarten.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> But OP mablenc has a good point. If there is an issue with sleep, there is no harm in a discussion with the ped.


We ended up creating "shower time" as the nightly sex was impossible.
The point is to get the the root cause of the problem. 

If it's the child, or his spouse, there are solutions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

john117 said:


> I spent well over a decade in college some while working and with two young children..... and my older girl (the 22 year old mentioned) took 5 years to sleep thru the night. Believe me I know all about sleep deprivation. It's bad but solvable.


Absolutely. When my kid was fighting cancer I was averagine 2 (1/2 day) medical appointments per month, plus physical therapy. I think the high point was 10 appointments in a month. I also worked full time (hard enough to get a promotion at that), overall all the home teacher visits, and maintained the house.

Guess who was too tired for sex? The point is that if it is a priority you will make time. If both partners are together most nights it can be done. Anything else is an excuse.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Let's see, keep a 4 year old and 1 year old busy while working on my dissertation while watching our college basketball team lose it's way into the NIT again... While working part time and full time student. Likewise for my wife and plenty of time for sex...


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

You are focussing on the child, which is no doubt hard work. But you mention premature ejaculation and not satisfying her also, which strikes me as the bigger issue in your bedroom. Why can you not satisfy her? Are your fingers all broken and your tongue tied? You both may be enjoying a lot more intimacy if you take the focus off your willy for a while and pamper her with loving touch and orgasms, she'll be coming back for more instead of seeing your PE hangup as just another problem to deal with... very best if luck, good on you for confronting the problem now rather than in 10 years time trying to revive a dead relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Your wife is satisfied by you not having sex with her its another chore.... get used to it


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

soulseer said:


> ... Strangely stress from a 2yr old doesnt seem like much when you have a 13year old....but at the time it seems stressful!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is so true! When we got to the point of all 4 of ours being teenagers, I longingly thought back to the good old days of when they were toddlers! But I tend to just remember the good and forget the stress of it all. Maybe some day when they are all out of their teens and I regain some sanity or go into full dementia, I will think the teen years weren't so bad either!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

marriageconcern said:


> Hi everyone! I am 33 and my wife is 35. We have been married for 4 years now. We never (rarely ever) had a satisfying sex for both of us. Now since we have our kid (2 yrs old) she is very stressful carrying for him and I totally understand. We sometimes go without sex for weeks. I want to start fixing problems before it becomes too big. I am absolutely VERY much attracted to my wife. Because of stress of our little one she seems to lose her libido and does not want to have sex often and I am exactly opposite. I know I am also at fault that when we try to have sex, I have problems with premature ejaculation and later I am shamed at myself and the thought of not satisfying her kills me all day. She seems to not care about it, but I do not want to take it easy. We love each other very much (at least I do for sure). I want to have long lasting sex so that I satisfy her (my primary goal). Thank you all in advance.


Well, man, the bottom line is that your wife is not sexually attracted to you, so she shuts you down. When you do get in, you can't perform, because you haven't had sex for a couple months. Staying power comes with regular practice, so infrequent sex for you equals little endurance in the thrusting department. It's a feedback loop.

Do other women find you attractive enough to proposition?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> Well, man, the bottom line is that your wife is not sexually attracted to you, so she shuts you down. When you do get in, you can't perform, because you haven't had sex for a couple months. Staying power comes with regular practice, so infrequent sex for you equals little endurance in the thrusting department. It's a feedback loop.
> 
> Do other women find you attractive enough to proposition?


Big Mach has alluded to their are many qualities a man can have which can make him very attractive to the opposite sex.

On a talk radio show last night, they were discussing relationships, all these type of situations that us on TAM'ers are well versed in...

So, one of the guys was a little league coach. It's his second year. He said one of the single moms said she was very thankful that he is the coach and happy what he is doing to the kids. The man said he'd always been professional and careful not to send out signals of any type. The lady kept getting closer and closer until she said she thinks they should meet at a bar to get to know each other better or he can come to her house. The coach was concerned it could affect his coaching and he didn't want to hurt the kid. 

I pointed out this situation, because it is a typical situation of a person in authority or in control of a group. For thousands of years, coaches - even of little league teams have had a perceived higher social value to the males around them in their particular area and it's attractive to the females.

Imagine a man who has strong charge of teenage boys or a group of strong resilient men.

It is why one of the alpha things you can do is teaching a class, volunteering to work with homeless or convicts, coaching even little kids to teenagers. Position of authority in the military or police force must be a few notches up.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Mental note to self to volunteer to teach Photoshop class to a women's prison


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

soulseer said:


> I comment reluctantly... if your wife is like my wife (child is 15) her desire will not change for a very long time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This man speaks the truth. I just hate reading these threads sometimes. 


Good luck bro.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

I realized some woman are just wired diff. Some woman use work and kids as and excuse not to. Some woman use it as an excuse to do it more. I have had both and it is very confusing at times.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> Mental note to self to volunteer to teach Photoshop class to a women's prison


What about a handsome, well managed and built personal trainer?

What about a charming salsa or ball room dance instructor?


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