# Husband Refuses to Move On



## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

My husband constantly brings up things that I have done in the past that were "unfaithful," and has basically made me change my whole lifestyle because of these things. 

The biggest thing I did wrong is I went on a trip to Las Vegas without him. While there, I talked to a guy in a bar. We started talking because I was given a free shot that I didn't want (I don't drink much) so I handed it to him because he happened to be standing next to me. He told me he worked in the field that I was trying to get into, and while he was from out of the country, he worked for an international company that had offices in my hometown. We talked about work and then I followed up with him on Facebook. There was no sexual touching or kissing of any nature, nor did I feel attracted to him in any way. This was over three years ago. I have apologized numerous times and obviously don't talk to the guy but it doesn't matter.

Another thing: While on Facebook, a male friend who is literally flirty with every woman he knows started a chat with me. We talked a while and he said I had a nice Facebook picture and that my smile looked pretty in it. I said thank you and then reminded him I was married. My husband forced me to shut down my Facebook account after this.

He also believes speaking to any man on these forums is "unfaithful" so any guys that answer this post will be helping me "cheat" on my husband.

Lastly: The HR guy from the place where I interned started hitting on me over email after I inquired about an open position at the company. I told him I was married and not interested, but I wasn't forceful with it because I didn't want to rock the boat and not get the job. Obviously, I realize it was a mistake. I told my husband about it the next day instead of the same night because I was in no mood for a fight. He brings up all the time how this was so horribly wrong. This happened at the end of 2010! 

He also gets insanely mad if I even look at any men (even on TV or in magazines). I now avoid watching any TV or movies with him because if there is a shirtless guy he will go balistic. I had admitted to finding a guy on TV attractive after he badgered me to tell him a celebrity I found attractive. When I reluctantly told him one he got so upset and now he gets angry any time a man under 45 is shirtless or even has his arms showing and doesn't believe me if I say they aren't attractive (which most of the time, I don't find them to be!).

He says it's my fault for making him insecure because he was never like that before he met his "unfaithful wife." 

Finally, he gets pissed if I go anywhere in public because he says I "don't know how to control myself" and I "don't wear clothes that detract attention from my body so that men will not look at me." I'm curvy, big boobs, etc but definitely NOT supermodel thin or anything crazy gorgeous. I just want to wear clothes that are fashionable for a woman my age and actually fit. He gets upset about everything I wear saying it's too revealing. A family member recently asked me why I'm dressing like an old woman lately. 

So now, I don't go to the grocery store which I love doing (I know I'm weird), the bank, or anywhere else. He runs all errands unless I 100% have to be there. I just stay home all the time.

We don't go out to do anything social at all like going out to dinner. We have gone out maybe twice in the past year (once to a fast food restaurant), and my last two birthdays were spent with takeout when he knew I really wanted to go out for my birthday. Nothing fancy, just a nice dinner that costs under $40. Heck even an Applebee's would have been fine with me! I am not hard to please!

I'm in my 20s, and I still want to go out. His 70 year old mother goes out more than we do! We don't have to go out and get wasted or go out somewhere crazy expensive but it would be nice to spend the day at the museum or out to dinner. I love trying new foods, which is why I love going out to dinner. I cook a lot too, but then I have to clean it all up with no dishwasher. Sometimes it's just exhausting!

He refuses to go anywhere, even places that are free (we don't have a lot of money). He says going out for "date night" is stupid and for people who don't have good relationships because they need to go out to distract themselves.

I don't know what to do. I love my husband, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my 20s and beyond stuck inside the house every weekend. He says I need to learn to have more fun at home and to stop being vain and wanting people to see me. The thing is I don't and I'm not vain. I work out for health but I don't do hard work outs. I try to eat healthy but I also indulge. I try to take care of my skin and hair, but I don't wear make up or dye my hair or anything like that. I don't do nails. I'm pretty low-maintenance when it comes to looks. I can get ready to go out in under 20 minutes if I want to!

I just really enjoy going out, and he knew that about me when he met me. He even seemed to like going out too. We went out a lot before we were married.

Now all of a sudden I'm "unfaithful" even though I have never cheated and "vain" for wanting to go out? It doesn't seem fair.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Do you have kids?


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## RoninJedi (Jun 22, 2013)

That's because it's not fair. I don't know your husband's backstory, but it seems to me like someone has some serious issues somewhere in the past that haven't been dealt with.

If you had given him a reason to doubt you, that would be one thing. I mean yeah, the Vegas trip was definitely not on the Brightest Ideas List, but from what I'm gathering he was like this even before that trip.

I would suggest the two of you getting into marriage counseling, and him getting individual counseling. If he won't go, then you go yourself. At the very least, a decent counselor will be able to help you start the process of getting through to your husband, and help you deal with the ridiculous comments he makes (which, IMO, is borderline verbal abuse).


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I agree - you need marriage counseling ASAP. I suggest you check the National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists. Hard to believe, but not all marriage therapists are "marriage friendly." And if he won't go, I suggest you see an individual counselor who's on that list - some individual counselors are too quick to say "get a divorce" if their practice orientation isn't marriage friendly.

Your resentment and his lack of trust are doing serious damage to your marriage, and whatever you two have tried on your own isn't making the situation any better so professional help is in order. I hope you get the help you need and soon.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

RoninJedi said:


> If you had given him a reason to doubt you, that would be one thing. I mean yeah, the Vegas trip was definitely not on the Brightest Ideas List, but from what I'm gathering he was like this even before that trip.
> 
> I would suggest the two of you getting into marriage counseling, and him getting individual counseling. If he won't go, then you go yourself. At the very least, a decent counselor will be able to help you start the process of getting through to your husband, and help you deal with the ridiculous comments he makes (which, IMO, is borderline verbal abuse).


Yep, the Vegas trip was a bad idea. I went with my mom but still maybe I shouldn't have gone. 

He refuses to go to counseling and gets angry when I suggest counseling for myself. He says I need to learn how to fix my own problems and not rely on others to fix them for me.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Do you have kids?


No, no kids. I want to eventually but I don't want to bring kids into this type of relationship.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

I don't see that you have done anything "wrong". I agree with Roninjedi, maybe he needs IC to see what the "issues" are.


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## RoninJedi (Jun 22, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> Yep, the Vegas trip was a bad idea. I went with my mom but still maybe I shouldn't have gone.
> 
> He refuses to go to counseling and gets angry when I suggest counseling for myself. He says I need to learn how to fix my own problems and not rely on others to fix them for me.


In my experience, when someone gets angry because the suggestion is made that perhaps they need a little work, the symptoms that bring about that suggestion are only the tip of the iceberg.

Forgive the comparison, but he sounds a lot like my MIL. Always putting the blame on everyone else, never taking responsibility for the things she does, refusing to acknowledge any wrongdoing when even Ray Charles could see it, etc.

I swear, this woman could cook a meal using food my wife brought over, fart, and then say something like, "Well it wouldn't stink so bad if you went to Wal-Mart instead of Kroger!"

Sadly, I'm not joking.

It's really hard to help people who refuse to be helped. I really hate to say this, but he may fit rather snugly into that category.

Still, I highly recommend that you at least go to counseling. Even with a good head on your shoulders (which you clearly seem to have), the simple fact is that your dealing with terribly one-sided situation, and having help to get through it is never a bad idea.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't believe this will get better. Not without counseling! I would tell him marriage counseling or you are leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If the relationship is so bad that you won't bring kids into it, why are you staying? Especially if you want kids... You can't change his behaviour, and without any input from anyone else, he's not likely to change it anyway.

Is he abusive to you in any way? His controlling actions are things that many abusive men do; controlling the way their women dress and what they're allowed to do outside the house.

C


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

Sorry to be blunt, but this needs to be said.

Your H is an idiot; a complete dumba**.

Other posters are correct. He needs serious IC.

If he refuses, I would leave and file for D.

Cases of irrational jealousy and attempted isolation like this do not get better over time.

They do not even stay the same.

They escalate.

Soon he will be having problems with you hanging out with close family because he doesn't trust the influence they have on you, or the fact that they don't enforce proper boundaries on your behavior or dress.

Get away from this moron until he gets the help he needs to address these issues.

He is attempting to place you in a bubble that is entirely under his thumb (control).

Run!

And fast!

The odds are that this man will become a serious threat to your physical safety at some point in the future.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> He refuses to go to counseling and gets angry when I suggest counseling for myself. He says I need to learn how to fix my own problems and not rely on others to fix them for me.


Major red flag right there!

From your description of him he sounds highly paranoid.

Also the fact that he is isolating you from enjoyment of life through unwarranted jealousy, speaks to me of the potential eventuality of serious abuse.

I think you really need to reevaluate this relationship. Don't have children with him either. 

Sorry, probably not want you want to hear.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> He refuses to go to counseling and gets angry when I suggest counseling for myself. He says I need to learn how to fix my own problems and not rely on others to fix them for me.


He sounds like he enjoys the status quo; he enjoys the drama and instability.

It's not a healthy way to live life.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry but i think you need to throw down an ultimatum. He either addresses his issues or you see an attorney.


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

The guilty dog barks the loudest. My husband behaved this way when he was having a fling. It Is Not Normal Behavior. You should investigate him to rule this out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

WaitForIt... said:


> The guilty dog barks the loudest. My husband behaved this way when he was having a fling. It Is Not Normal Behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a possibility too, though I tend to think (and hope for your sake) that he's "just" paranoid and not cheating. 

However, you COULD use this for leverage: you can say something like, "your accusations of my being unfaithful when I've done nothing at all have become so unreasonable that I've started to wonder if they're coming from some PROJECTION on your part - are all these thoughts about cheating coming from something YOU'VE done, and you're turning it on ME to keep me off the trail and finding out?"

Then when he gets all mad (as he probably will) you can say that you can't live with a situation like this, and you will either have to get a separation (which could lead to divorce) or marriage counseling. But I would have done some research on marriage counselors beforehand, in hopes that he will choose the latter. If he chooses separation over counseling, I'm not sure that's so bad - this marriage is not healthy for you, is it? And as BetrayedAgain7 pointed out, this IS the pattern that frequently occurs in physical abuse: isolating the wife often comes first. So marriage counseling is something you really should insist on, or else at least please consider separation - that might shake him up after he's been without you for awhile, and you'd get a chance to live like a normal person again. 

But you can't go on living like this.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

WaitForIt... said:


> The guilty dog barks the loudest. My husband behaved this way when he was having a fling. It Is Not Normal Behavior. You should investigate him to rule this out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, he's not cheating, he doesn't have time to cheat. We are together 24/7. We even work together. The only time he is away from me is when he's running errands, and he is never gone for an absurdly long time or anything. I also use his phone all the time and would notice if there were weird numbers on it.

It's great to have a husband that doesn't even look at other women, but it's getting absurd. We were driving the other day and a guy was jogging shirtless down the street. He berated me for "checking him out" even though I lowered my eyes away from the jogging guy as soon as I knew he was there! 

He said I shouldn't have even noticed him in the first place. He kept calling me a "s*ut" and saying I can't control myself and he asked me if I needed to "go in the back seat" and "take care of myself." He also said I was just worth "f*cking and dumping" and he didn't know why he married me.

He only gets like this when he gets jealous about other guys or he feels I'm being "unfaithful." Then he always apologizes for the things he said and says he doesn't mean them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Do you have kids?


Yes. Sadly the one she is married to.

Natalie, you are mistaken. Your husband *does not* "refuse to move on" he refuses to act like a normal, rational person.

He needs individual counselling for his multiple problems.

You have married a potential monster. Without help, he will get worse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Natalie789 said:


> Yep, the Vegas trip was a bad idea. I went with my mom but still maybe I shouldn't have gone.
> 
> He refuses to go to counseling and gets angry when I suggest counseling for myself. He says I need to learn how to fix my own problems and not rely on others to fix them for me.


Going to Vegas *with your mother*? It's hardly a day trip to Sodom and Gomorrah, is it?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> No, he's not cheating, he doesn't have time to cheat. We are together 24/7. We even work together. The only time he is away from me is when he's running errands, and he is never gone for an absurdly long time or anything. I also use his phone all the time and would notice if there were weird numbers on it.
> 
> It's great to have a husband that doesn't even look at other women, but it's getting absurd. We were driving the other day and a guy was jogging shirtless down the street. He berated me for "checking him out" even though I lowered my eyes away from the jogging guy as soon as I knew he was there!
> 
> ...


Natalie that level of jealousy is a sign of severe insecurity or someone that is actually obsessing on cheating themselves. My guess is he is thinking about cheating actaually due to your comments on his verbally abussive behavior. This is a very unhealthy relationship and controling one. He needs to get some help...his behavior is spiralling out if control for one reason or another and it is focused on controling you. I would highly recommend getting him and yourself into counseling ...if he won't go...you go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Don't for a minute think the trip to Vegas was a bad idea. It was with your mother! There's nothing wrong with going on a trip with your mother, unless she's a big gambler and likes to go to see male strippers.

Actually, even if you're pretty sure he's not cheating, it's not TOTALLY impossible (though I really doubt he is) - a guy could hook up for quickies with prostitutes in a hurry. You can be 99.9% sure he's not cheating, but maybe there's a .1% chance he is. 

So even though you truly don't believe he's cheating on you, you can STILL use the "projection" concept as leverage as a way to get him into marriage counseling - I can't think of another way to get him to get into a counselor's office with you. Saying to him that you need separation or counseling because you wonder if he has cheating on his mind so much due to the possibility that he MIGHT be doing it himself is so much better than telling him "you're PARANOID!"


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## kezins (Aug 25, 2013)

How did he force you to shut your Facebook down? No one can force you to do anything in life. Maybe you should stand up for yourself more. 

He's probably not cheating, but don't base that on the time he has available. It doesn't take much time for someone to cheat if they wanted to. Even twenty minutes is enough time for some people.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

It sounds like even if you hadn't gone to Vegas or done any of the things you seem to think give him a legitimate reason to be suspicious about, he'd probably still be the way he is.

Going by what you're saying, you're not the issue and your marriage isn't the issue. It's your husband who has issues and they sound like serious issues. Out of control insecurity, out of control jealousy, and verbally abusive just going on what you're telling us.

And when you approach the idea of counseling he blows you off completely?? Honestly I think you should just find a lawyer and file for divorce. You're basically wasting your 20s, not to mention your life, on this guy. What you have isn't a marriage, it's a prison sentence with supervised release.

Maybe if you file for divorce it will get him to take you seriously and realize that he has to change if he wants to hold onto his marriage, let alone any relationship. Because obviously trying to talk about it with him and doing your best to cater to his insecurities and jealousy is not doing you any good.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

When did he first show this side of himself? Did he get upset when you were dating? Was there ever a moment he felt disrespected?

Does he consume a lot of porn in secret? Is he assuming all men think the way he thinks? Is he really so innocent when he is out without you?

Try an experiment. Cajole him somewhere, beach maybe, where there is a lot for a man to look at. It'd be easier in a bar, though. Excuse yourself and watch from a distance. What he does in either direction will tell you a lot about who he really is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I would be less worried about if he is cheating and more worried that he might start getting seriously violent with you.

The incident you described in the car was completely unacceptable and a clear sign of where this is headed.

This guy is on the verge of violence.

You should consider leaving and staying with family ASAP.

File for D.

And DO NOT believe his begging and apologies and promises to never do it again if you just move back home.

I have unfortunately seen a situation like this with one of my former students.

The a**hole eventually put her in the hospital, and even then tried to promise he would change, blah, blah, blah, after she filed for D.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> I would be less worried about if he is cheating and more worried that he might start getting seriously violent with you.
> 
> The incident you described in the car was completely unacceptable and a clear sign of where this is headed.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear Natalie789,

MattMatt and Dyokemm are right, your H has serious problems. I would go so far as to say that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Based on the way he reacts to perfectly innocent situations, my fear is that, some day, he may harm you physically.

I suggest that you seek advice from a local service for abused woman. I take it from the way you speak that you are in the U.S. so this should not be hard to find. They can give you advice on the best (and safest) way to start to stand up to your H and let him know that he is the one who needs to change if your marriage is to survive.

Please keep posting. Everybody here wants to help you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Natalie789 said:


> It's great to have a husband that doesn't even look at other women, but it's getting absurd. We were driving the other day and a guy was jogging shirtless down the street. He berated me for "checking him out" even though I lowered my eyes away from the jogging guy as soon as I knew he was there!
> 
> He said I shouldn't have even noticed him in the first place. He kept calling me a "s*ut" and saying I can't control myself and he asked me if I needed to "go in the back seat" and "take care of myself." He also said I was just worth "f*cking and dumping" and he didn't know why he married me.


Enough is enough. It's major abuse already.
I'd demand IC for him. She needs help badly.
Meanwhile, taylor the 180. Detach a little a think hard about staying with him.
Document.
And "tape" his tirades.


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

Your post reminded me much of my first husband. I spent over 10 years of my life following his ridiculous rules of what I should and shouldn't do. For example, I started wearing only turtlenecks so he wouldn't catch me bending over without holding the neck of my top in case someone might see (even if there was no one around if I forgot then it meant I would forget if someone was there), and so many other ridiculous things. If I was pleasant to his close friend I was feeding his ego but if I tried to keep my distance I was being a rude ::insert expletive here:: With each year, he got crueler, his demands got weirder, his outbursts became more unpredictable and I became less and less of a person I wanted to be. I've been away from him from 10 years and I still haven't fully shaken off the damage.

On a secure computer (one he can't access), you should do some online searches on verbal/emotional abuse. Take some time to absorb what you find and figure out whether this is your situation. If you feel it is, be very cautious about confronting him about it. He has proven to be volatile and if he fears you may leave you may need to be concerned about your safety.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

RoninJedi said:


> That's because it's not fair. I don't know your husband's backstory, but it seems to me like someone has some serious issues somewhere in the past that haven't been dealt with.
> 
> If you had given him a reason to doubt you, that would be one thing. *I mean yeah, the Vegas trip was definitely not on the Brightest Ideas List, but from what I'm gathering he was like this even before that trip.*
> 
> I would suggest the two of you getting into marriage counseling, and him getting individual counseling. If he won't go, then you go yourself. At the very least, a decent counselor will be able to help you start the process of getting through to your husband, and help you deal with the ridiculous comments he makes (which, IMO, is borderline verbal abuse).


I'm not so sure. Networking is extremely important to many jobs and careers. If a spouse gets upset for their partner staying in touch with the opposite sex no matter how it's conducted, I see a problem. Especially if that income is key to the running of the household.

Maybe we should start a thread on professionally networking to see what people think is acceptable and unacceptable.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> No, he's not cheating, he doesn't have time to cheat. We are together 24/7. We even work together. The only time he is away from me is when he's running errands, and he is never gone for an absurdly long time or anything. I also use his phone all the time and would notice if there were weird numbers on it.
> 
> It's great to have a husband that doesn't even look at other women, but it's getting absurd. We were driving the other day and a guy was jogging shirtless down the street. He berated me for "checking him out" even though I lowered my eyes away from the jogging guy as soon as I knew he was there!
> 
> ...


At this time, do you still feel you need your partner's blessing to get into IC? I think IC will help you clarify your boundaries, and bring some insight about why you are/were attracted to your partner. You can't force your partner into IC or MC, but you can take responsibility for yourself. You don't need to apologize for this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I remember a story by a fraud investigator, years ago. He had an elderly businessman who knew he was being defrauded, but didn't know how.

So he called in the fraud investigator. The businessman gave the investigator a list of names of loyal staff who he was confident the investigator did not need to look at, as they had been with him fro years who he had treated like his own children.

The fraud investigator decided to investigate everyone on the list. And, of course, they were all conspiring to defraud the old man.

If you think your husband can't be cheating on you for lack of time, well, maybe so. But maybe he is.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

The husband needs counseling, not the OP. How come nobody's seeing that??
The OP is fine, has no fault. The guy needs therapy ( a lot of it ! )for his insecurities and obsessive behavior. This is not all right...


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

When I think of all the positives a person should be getting out of a marriage - warmth, love, lots of companionship and fun, laughs, happiness, building each other up every day, feeling glad to be together and glad you met... I don't hear any of that.

It sounds like you're just enduring. Even if he wasn't a complete and utter control freak (sorry, but that's how it sounds) it just isn't uplifting. It isn't any fun. 

Marriage isn't all fun & games, but you could at least feel pleasantly contented every day, to be with someone who loves you and doesn't need to "possess you" to feel happy together.

I'd say, IC, or he hits the bricks.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> He said I shouldn't have even noticed him in the first place. He kept calling me a "s*ut" and saying I can't control myself and he asked me if I needed to "go in the back seat" and "take care of myself." He also said I was just worth "f*cking and dumping" and he didn't know why he married me.


This is outrageous. I couldn't care less if he apologises afterward; the things he says to you shouldn't be said in the first place. Marriage is not supposed to be this way.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

WaitForIt... said:


> The guilty dog barks the loudest. My husband behaved this way when he was having a fling. It Is Not Normal Behavior. You should investigate him to rule this out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That.

And, the way you refused to drink that shot. You did not have to give it away to the man next to you. You should of just left the glass there and ignored it.

And, married women should not go on vacations without their husband and the other way as well.

And, married women should not hang out in bars without their husband.


AND, your husband has issues that he needs to face in IC.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> The husband needs counseling, not the OP. How come nobody's seeing that??
> The OP is fine, has no fault. The guy needs therapy ( a lot of it ! )for his insecurities and obsessive behavior. This is not all right...


The husband needs IC. The wife needs to learn boundaries.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I'm sorry, my ex had very similar behavior regarding shirtless guys outside running/biking/walking/etc. I couldn't check out a hot car b/c he thought I was checking out the guy driving it. If a girl was driving the car he would never say anything about it. Celebraties, tv actors....any other guy if he felt I was checking out he would flip. I changed my behavior - look down at the ground, or wherever the guy was NOT at. It was horrible. And it wasn't even to the level that your H is doing. 

Please please please please....PLEASE....you are in a controlling and emotional abusive relationship. You need to force the counseling issue. FOR YOUR BENEFIT. If your H really refuses, you need to give him that ultimatum. Calling you a sl*t? And to get in the back seat and take care of yourself????? Wow. And I can't get over his "you need to figure out your own problems" crap. Why? What is he scared of you figuring out by going to counseling? That you are worth more than treated like a piece of dirt on the bottom of his shoe?

Please start getting stronger so you can learn to not accept to be treated this way by the person who is supposed to love and cherish you.

ETA: Forgot to mention the clothes. I have a tattoo right on my sternum...I was never allowed to wear shirts that showed it off unless he was going to be around me. This included going to work or out with family/friends. If I was by myself, I was NOT to show that tattoo......

I allowed myself to be treated that way. Never again. I hope you can find the strength to stand up for yourself. But be prepared for quite the pushback from him


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Sounds so much like my first husband. I say get out, it only gets worse or did for me.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

theroad said:


> And, the way you refused to drink that shot. You did not have to give it away to the man next to you. You should of just left the glass there and ignored it.
> 
> And, married women should not go on vacations without their husband and the other way as well.
> 
> And, married women should not hang out in bars without their husband.


Natalie, maybe it would have been better not to offer the drink to someone of the opposite sex, especially if Mom wasn't there at the time (could have been misconstrued as a come-on); but if Mom was sitting right there, I think it was a totally innocent thing to offer the free drink to whoever the person was that was sitting right next to you.

As for vacations without spouses, I think it's a GREAT idea to go on an occasional trip with your parent(s). You don't know how long you're going to have them. This could be precious time. NOTHING wrong with it, IMO.

But the main issue here is that you need to get professional help because your situation is miserable and has the potential to become dangerous. A counselor or a lawyer - which profession you end up consulting is up to you, but please don't hesitate much longer to get outside help.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Natalie,

I could have written this post myself a few years ago. More to follow, I just want to find something first...


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

OP, your husband is a nutcase. He is being emotionally abusive. Your marriage is unhealthy and your husband needs counseling asap. I agree with the other posters that you both get counseling before this leads to anything physical. Verbal abuse because a stranger is jogging on the road? Your H is an insecure jerk. Dump his a$$ and go be with someone less paranoid. You're young. Relationships have rules... just not the kind your husband keeps dreaming up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Does your H's attitude and conduct come from FOO problems

You might as well be locked in a tower

Either sit him down and tell him enuff is enuff----or maybe its time you threaten him with D

You do know that he is mentally abusing you, and this is just gonna get worse----you can't help it if guys go shirtless----your H, needs IC big time---he probably won't go---stating there is nothing wrong with him---so once again---you have to decide---how long you wanna be locked away in that tower

As to vegas---if all you did was have a polite conversation with a guy standing next to you---you did nothing wrong----you are allowed to speak to people

You need to either force your H, into some large changes, or get out of the mge----if what is going on keeps up, you are headed for mental problems of your own


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Natalie789 said:


> He only gets like this when he gets jealous about other guys or he feels I'm being "unfaithful." Then he always apologizes for the things he said and says he doesn't mean them.


He's only like this when he feels you are "unfaithful"? 

that's not what you said in your original post. YOu said that he does not want you going out in public, makes you dress like an old lady.. He's 'like this" all the time apparently.

He does not want you to go to counseling because if you do, he knows that the counselor will tell you that what he's doing is wrong. He will lose control of you. 

Since he does not accept that he has a problem there is not a lot you can do. Leaving is your only viable option.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

theroad said:


> That.
> 
> And, the way you refused to drink that shot. You did not have to give it away to the man next to you. You should of just left the glass there and ignored it.
> 
> ...


She was with her mother at the bar. There is no reason why a married woman cannot go on a vacation with her mother. 

There is no reason why she cannot have a drink at a bar in Vegas when she's with someone safe, like her mother. 

Even her giving the drink to a guy at the bar and talking to him was ok... as long as she was not picking up on him. It's ok for adults to talk to strangers.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Okay,

So I couldn't find my old forum posts (not off TAM) from years prior. (Before I discovered my very accusatory and insecure ex was cheating on me). Still, my point is that although your circumstances are different, your complaints and certain situations regarding your husband's insecurities and constant accusations are so similar to yours. 

My WS accused me of cheating all the time. I got to the point years ago where if I was in a room (or even a convenience store) with another man, I'd look at the floor whether my ex was present or not. Just so I wouldn't be accused of flirting, cheating or fantasizing about fvcking that guy.

There is a saying, "Those who abuse, often accuse". It has to deal with projection. Basically, when someone constantly accuses you of deviant behaviour that you are innocent of, there is a chance they are doing it too. My WS, also always accused me of talking online to other men. Every time he did, instead of saying, "Are you talking to other men online?" He could have just said, "I am talking to other women online." As he was projecting his cheating onto me.

You said above that your husband doesn't have time to cheat and is only apart from you when he runs errands. I hate to say it but I've said similar about my WS. If someone is going to cheat, they'll find the time. I don't know your H and can't say whether he is cheating or not but I do know that my ex and I spent ample time together and he didn't go out much, if at all besides to and from work. YET, he still found a way via the Internet and work to cheat on me.

I don't want to make you paranoid but to give an example of how sneaky my ex was/is:

_My ex would come home after work with bags of groceries. The grocery trip after work provided a good alibi as to why he was late coming home. Until one day that I looked at the receipt out of curiousity to see how much he had spent and for some reason my eye caught the time on the receipt. 

His work is in the same plaza as the grocery store and both are only a ten-minute drive from our house. So he got off work at 8PM, raced through the store and got his groceries and was cashed out of the grocery store by 8:20 PM. Still, he wasn't home until well after 10:00 PM. 

To make a long story short, I did find out later that he was cheating on me. I kick myself for not looking into the receipts all the times that he came home late after work like that with the shopping. Before D-Day, I just assumed (from seeing him shop) that it took him a while all of those times. So that provided him a nice cover as to his whereabouts while he was cheating._

Before all of this, I said the same thing as you. _ "My WS, never goes anywhere and works with mostly men, so he would never cheat. Even if he wanted to, he doesn't even have the time."_ Bottom line is *he found the time and he did.*


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She was with her mother at the bar. There is no reason why a married woman cannot go on a vacation with her mother.
> 
> There is no reason why she cannot have a drink at a bar in Vegas when she's with someone safe, like her mother.
> 
> Even her giving the drink to a guy at the bar and talking to him was ok... as long as she was not picking up on him. It's ok for adults to talk to strangers.


Vacations are times for the spouses to have a carefree life. Sort of light being in an affair. All problems are put away. Time spent making good memories.

Many people can't afford a one week vacation. So to waste resources when they can be used strengthening the marriage bond is not wise.

There have been many a wife that went on a trip with mom and can home a WW.

Standing at a bar sends message I am approachable.

Sitting at a table sends the message no need to try.

There not only was no need to give the man a drink. There was no need to chit chat. Men chit chat with women in bars because they fishing.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> The husband needs counseling, not the OP. How come nobody's seeing that??
> The OP is fine, has no fault. The guy needs therapy ( a lot of it ! )for his insecurities and obsessive behavior. This is not all right...


Sure the husband need IC, but that is completely outside the control of the OP. She needs to take responsibility for her own well being and mental health. The OP has to make some decisions and she needs to do so from a place of strength & confidence.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Natalie789 said:


> No, he's not cheating, he doesn't have time to cheat. We are together 24/7. We even work together. The only time he is away from me is when he's running errands, and he is never gone for an absurdly long time or anything. I also use his phone all the time and would notice if there were weird numbers on it.
> 
> It's great to have a husband that doesn't even look at other women, but it's getting absurd. We were driving the other day and a guy was jogging shirtless down the street. He berated me for "checking him out" even though I lowered my eyes away from the jogging guy as soon as I knew he was there!
> 
> ...


Natalie, 
I am very sorry, please take a look at this resource and take care of yourself:

Emotional abuse | womenshealth.gov


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

theroad said:


> The husband needs IC. The wife needs to learn boundaries.


Yeah, boundaries to protect herself from this abusive, morbidly jealous, insecure, controling man.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

theroad said:


> The husband needs IC. The wife needs to learn boundaries.


No. The husband needs to learn boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Nothing wrong with a guy handing you a drink and you handing it back.

My stbxw and my family went to Vegas, I went up to the room while her and future sister in law went to the bar, I came down 30 minutes later to my wife and another guy (Who had been buying her drink after drink) walk up and guy say's "You are the luckiest guy in the world" stbxw touches his shoulder and laughs. I'm like what the hell is going on? Sister in law say's nothing, we met this guy and he keeps buying your wife drinks and she keeps drinking them. 

That would be wrong- IMO but my stbxw had no boundries.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

theroad said:


> Vacations are times for the spouses to have a carefree life. Sort of light being in an affair. All problems are put away. Time spent making good memories.
> 
> Many people can't afford a one week vacation. So to waste resources when they can be used strengthening the marriage bond is not wise.
> 
> ...


No it bloody doesn't! 

At least, not in my reality...


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> Before all of this, I said the same thing as you. _ "My WS, never goes anywhere and works with mostly men, so he would never cheat. Even if he wanted to, he doesn't even have the time."_ Bottom line is *he found the time and he did.*


Yes, I forgot to mention that my ex was a cheater as well. Before we were married he would drop me off after a date and go out again. I could never figure out why he was always so exhausted, lol. After we were married he would stay late at work or use a day off. Of course that was my fault for not making him happy enough. He only ever got jealous, lost his temper, did anything he shouldn't do because something I did made him feel that way and act that way no matter how ridiculous the reasoning seemed. And if there was something he couldn't figure out how to blame on me, he would bring up something from the past that he had managed to blame on me and blast me with that until I caved. 

If you fear your spouse, there is something seriously wrong in your relationship. No one should ever have to live that way.


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