# ADHD an other issues destroying marriage



## DepNAng (Sep 24, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 9. I had a 2 year old daughter and 10 year old son when we got together. He has always been a very loving and caring man, and loves my daughter, who is now 15. 
In 1999 we started a business together and went into some serious debt. I am proud to say the business is still running and we are out of debt except for our mortgage, however, we do not make a great living, if it were not for our pensions (we each receive about half of a military pension, he splits 50% with is previous wife, and I get 40% from my ex), we could not continue the business.

Our marriage started having problems when he quit smoking about 5 years ago. Because of his ADHD he basically could not function without replacing that addiction, his solution was alcohol and an opium tea that he made from grinding up poppies he purchased online. He became addicted, of course, and I threatened to leave him if he did not get off the drugs. I lived in terror of him getting caught, and the cost was putting us back into serious debt. He finally got off with the help of his brother, who gave him some of his pain meds to help with the withdrawls, but the damage was done, my respect for him had disappeared and my anger was obvious. My anger and occasional disrespect translated itself to my daughter, although she does not know about the drug use, he does still drink in the evenings, at least 1 sometimes 2 bottles of wine. He is not a mean man, but my anger sets him off and a few times we have had screaming fights in front of my daughter. Most of the time now, she is very disrespectful of him, snapping at him and walking away when he talks to her. 

His talking is also an issue, part of his ADHD is incessant talking, he cannot seem to control himself and it makes us crazy. We cannot be in the same room with him, we cannot watch tv or read a book, my daughter closes herself in her room to do her homework.

He did go to a Dr. about the ADHD a few weeks ago, and my daughter and I had such high hopes that the meds would help him, and give us a more normal life, but it does not work that way. He can only take them twice a day, before 2:00 in the afternoon, because it is very similar to speed (which seems counterintuitive, but it works), and he will not sleep if he takes it later in the day.

And the straw that is breaking the camels back is the fact that he absolutely refuses to buy life insurance. He says it is a waste of money and I should be putting money in a savings account for my future. I do the best I can, but we make less than $40,000 a year between us, and with a mortgage, taxes, insurance and a teenage daughter who will be going to college in two years, I cannot possibly put away enough cash to protect myself should something happen to him in the next 5 - 10 years.

The part of the business that makes the most money is run by my husband, it deals with computers and databases, which I know nothing about. I publish books for attorneys, and I can continue that, but it only makes maybe $15 to $20,000 a year, and with new technologies and unstable economies, that business could be gone in the blink of an eye.

I just don't know what to do, there seems to be no argument that I can come up with that will convince him he should buy insurance. When I ask him to, he tells me I am being greedy and I want him to die! He says I will be fine with the book business if I start putting money in savings. That is true, as long as he lives a long life, but if something should happen to him, my daughter and I are royally scr#@ed.

Any advise?


----------



## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

did u know you can take out a policy on him? He doesnt have to buy it you can


----------



## DepNAng (Sep 24, 2011)

No, I was not aware I could do that, I thought he would have to have an exam to get insurance. He takes meds for high cholesterol as well, and is overweight, wouldn't an insurance company need to get medical info for him?

I have looked into the cost, and it looks like it would be about $100 a month for $250,000, 20 year term life policy, it might be difficult for me to spend that much each month without him noticing.


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I have a hubby with adhd. He is finally on meds too. If he gets too wired to sleep. You can use melatonin. It is natural and you can ask your doc how much to take. This works great. It mellows him out.

There are some books about marraige to adults with adhd. Wait until his meds are in effect then set some boundries. Get him to counseling for the adhd.are you aware that most people with adhd have a high rate of. Getting addicted to things, such as alcohol,meds, video games,computers...this may help him understand his obsessions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Have you considered ADHD is a completely inaccurate diagnosis? Not to alarm you but it sounds closer to a very mild form of paranoid schizophrenia. Even rarer is a grandiose delusional disorder with none of the usual flat affect.


----------



## DepNAng (Sep 24, 2011)

Actually, he has be to a psychologist several times and has been diagnosed with the ADHD, his brother was diagnosed with ADD as well, so I guess it runs in their family.

And the addictive personality is dead on with the diagnosis. He is also extremely intelligent, which can make him extremely annoying as well. Even if we are discussing a topic that is more in my area of expertise, he always butts in and talks over top of me, he really embarrasses me in social situations, and adds to my anger toward him. Talking over me is something he does all the time, it is very frustrating and hurtful, especially since I have been begging him for years to respect me enough to let me complete a sentence, he knows how much it upsets me, but he continues to do it regularly. I understand it is the ADHD, but at his age you would think he would have more control over himself.


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Both hubby and son have it. Son also has Asperger's Autism. The talking over you and being highly iintelligent are traits of Asperger's along with not taking social cues. Check it on the internet and see if that describes the hubby. If he is on meds, he should have control over what he says to a certain extent. Talk to his doc. He may need IC to teach him social skills and how to communicate better with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

DepNAng said:


> I understand it is the ADHD, but at his age you would think he would have more control over himself.


That's actually pretty funny you said that.


----------



## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

I can definitely feel your pain. 

I was finally diagnosed correctly in May with ADHD. All those years of taking Welbutrin or worse yet, Effexor XR for what they and I thought was anxiety and depression. 

I was only depressed and anxious because I was had so many thoughts swirling and raging through my mind. 

I agree with the melatonin addition to a daily regimin. If on adderall, take a weekend off ever once in a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DepNAng (Sep 24, 2011)

Thanks for all the feedback, it is nice just knowing I have somewhere to turn for advise and support. 
I will check on the Aspberger today, and suggest the melatonin, it would be great if he could sleep better, I know I do not deal well with problems if I have not had enough sleep, and I get very depressed. Although my husband does not sleep well at night, I catch him sleeping at his desk several times a day! I have no idea how anyone can do that, I wish I could!


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So are you saying Adderall, or whatever, doesn't work?


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Melatonin is a natural substance in our body so all it does is increase the amount and makes him sleepy. Give half hour before bed. We also take hubby and both kids off a couple of days on holiday from school or a weekend.in the summer, they. Are off for one week. This keeps it effective in their body. I call this hell weel for me,but I am prepared and try to stay patient. Ask your doc,as with any med,adhd meds can't be taken with some cough syrups can make them hyper!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DepNAng (Sep 24, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> So are you saying Adderall, or whatever, doesn't work?


The adderall works, but cannot be taken after 2:00 in the afternoon, otherwise you will not be able to sleep.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So cut it in half and take it twice.


----------



## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

I am not Doctor from my experience with Adderall/D-Amphetamine it is very addicting. I got addicted to Adderall very quickly. From my experience and from the experience of other people I can say try not to increase the dose of Adderall. After a while (about a year Adderall stop to work). Also make sure that your husband takes a break once in a while. I started with 10mg and went to 30mg 3 times a day. Make sure that your husband really have ADHD nowadays a lot of people get misdiagnosed. If he does have ADHD try to look into the drug called Concerta


----------



## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

Call an insurance agent. You might not be able to buy as much insurance, and it may cost much more, but if you're willing to pay enough they'll probably insure him. My dad's had quadruple bypass surgery, a pacemaker, and type II diabetes and he's still got life insurance! (Though I think he picked it up between the bypass and the pacemaker . . .) He had to get whole life, so it's surely more expensive than if he qualified for term.


----------

