# Gentlemen, did you ever feel like you regretted getting married?



## SepticChange

Not the person you married but felt like marriage wasn't for you after all? In January my husband told me that he didn't feel right and wasn't sure that he wanted to be married anymore. Said it had nothing to do with me but just that he decided he missed doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Is this normal? We haven't been married two years yet. Or does he just want to live the single life again? He went as far as calling movers to stop by and see how much it would cost to ship his things back east. He slept through their call and soon decided that he was right where he wanted to be. 

I'm confused. Was it just a phase? Or will it be a recurring thing? He's 25 and has already sowed his oats and was ready to settle down so I don't know what else he wanted. Have any other men in here felt this way at some point in their marriage?


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## that_girl

My husband said the same to me too.

Once two years ago (right after 2nd annivesary)...moved out 3 months...moved home. I THOUGHT we got through it.

Pulled the same shet in January this year. 
I just filed divorce. He'll be served tomorrow.


My husband was 25 when we married...30 now. I'm 37 and awesome  haha! 

At 25 they've barely sowed anything.


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## SepticChange

Oh wow. Sometimes I wish I was strong enough to walk away but I'm willing to fight for it. But if he does bring it up again seriously like before then I will give him an ultimatum. I've had enough of the emotional abuse, going back and forth and keeping information from me.


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## that_girl

Yea. I wasn't about to fight for something he said he didn't want.

Screw that.

I did fight the first time. Omg...I did. Thought we were fine...things seemed great! Until he said he's been pretending the whole time.

:rofl: buuhhh bye.


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## SepticChange

Damn. I don't get why some people are willing to throw away a good thing..

I'm glad you're getting out of that.


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## that_girl

I hope you are figure things out. But I'd be VERY suspicious of his motives...maybe another woman....and I don't know how I could live with trust. He's showing signs of not being too committed....


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## Trying2figureitout

No..you deal with the cards you are dealt. A man is only as good as his word.


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## SepticChange

He came back to his senses and told me this is where he wants to be. I'm trying to relax because my trust was chipping away but for now he's not going anywhere. Unless later on down the road he tells me he's been pretending as well. Then I'll be pissed off more than hurt.


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## that_girl

Mine said the same.

"I'll never leave again. This is what I want."

Lies.

Just...be careful.


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## SepticChange

Will do. Trying to come up with a back up plan in case he shows his a$$ and decides to run away.


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## that_girl

One thing i have learned...I should NEVER be treated like an option...I should be 1st choice.

SO should you.


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## SepticChange

I will keep that in mind. With this being a first marriage for both of us I have lots to learn.


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## that_girl

Same here. 1st for both. Last for me.


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## frustr8dhubby

Only because I am not currently happy with our sex life.  As that_girl says, I would be very wary... Sorry!


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## cowboy1

The subject title really caught my eye. I'm married to a great woman, but yet I think marriage is quite adjustment. I definitely miss being able to just take off and do things, but being married means you have to check in at all times. If I want alone time she takes it personally. If I want to hang out with friends she interprets it as a sign that I don't want to be around her. Geez, I just want to watch some sports with my buddies. I have no desire to sleep around, it's the other freedoms I miss. She has no idea I feel this way because the fight it would cause is just not worth it. I think it's true, men are from mars and women are from venus. There seems to be some kind of disconnect between men and women regarding expectations after marriage.


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## JCD

that_girl said:


> One thing i have learned...I should NEVER be treated like an option...I should be 1st choice.
> 
> SO should you.


Make sure you treat any man in your life the same way. GrrL POWrrr seems to dictate that admitting men as anything BUT an option is heresy.

The female equivilent of this is 'to think that I gave up Billy Jim Bob Trevor Wayne for YOU..." Except the man is expected to see this as motivation to 'do better' instead of the slap in the face it actually is.


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## Woodchuck

I could not imagine being single. I married when I was 19, I was67 last BD. It was just stupid blind luck or divine intervention, whatever I married the sweetest, hottest, best wife on the planet, and would never want to be single again....


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## SepticChange

cowboy1 said:


> The subject title really caught my eye. I'm married to a great woman, but yet I think marriage is quite adjustment. I definitely miss being able to just take off and do things, but being married means you have to check in at all times. If I want alone time she takes it personally. If I want to hang out with friends she interprets it as a sign that I don't want to be around her. Geez, I just want to watch some sports with my buddies. I have no desire to sleep around, it's the other freedoms I miss. She has no idea I feel this way because the fight it would cause is just not worth it. I think it's true, men are from mars and women are from venus. There seems to be some kind of disconnect between men and women regarding expectations after marriage.



It does sound like that's what my husband misses...not having to check in. He does a great job at doing it and I never worry about him doing things he's not supposed to be doing. I do understand that he needs his guy time, especially since we've moved across the country away from everyone we ever knew. After it being just us for months he's starting to make friends and I'm happy for him. Around that time I asked him what he expected out of marriage when we said "I do" and he said he didn't know. Sometimes I feel like I married a little boy who thought he knew what he wanted but really didn't. There must be some sort of disconnect like you say.


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## that_girl

I treated my man like gold. Built him up, loved him, sex was flowin, dinner on the table when he got home, clean house, had fun with each other....looked good for him...

And he still threw me away. I was his option, I guess.


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## SepticChange

Sorry to hear that, that_girl. I remember your posts well over a year ago about you two and always thought you were lucky. Marriage is like a second job. One that we don't get paid for.


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## Maneo

Marriage is all about finding balance. Not too clinging. Not too independent. Not too controlling. Not too free. Not too demanding. Not too absent.


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## JCD

that_girl said:


> I treated my man like gold. Built him up, loved him, sex was flowin, dinner on the table when he got home, clean house, had fun with each other....looked good for him...
> 
> And he still threw me away. I was his option, I guess.


Perfectly understandable...but he was ONE man.


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## KJ5000

Never regretted getting married. There are some things we should have discussed in more detail earlier in our relationship - (Never make assumptions) but not once have I regretted my choice.


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## cowboy1

I agree with the earlier post, there are definitely things we should have discussed in more detail before we got married. I should have discussed my expectations clearly. Not sure it would have solved everything, expectations change. There are times I regret getting married, and times I feel that it was the best thing I ever did. Marriage can be difficult so my feelings change from time to time. I think both men and women are nuts, just in different ways.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> cowboy1
> If I want alone time she takes it personally. If I want to hang out with friends she interprets it as a sign that I don't want to be around her. Geez, I just want to watch some sports with my buddies. I have no desire to sleep around, it's the other freedoms I miss. She has no idea I feel this way because the fight it would cause is just not worth it. I think it's true, men are from mars and women are from venus. There seems to be some kind of disconnect between men and women regarding expectations after marriage.


 Untrue, cowboy1 !

This is NOT the way "women" feel about marriage; this is the way YOUR WIFE feels about marriage! She's too needy, too clingy, needs YOU to be her EVERYTHING. That is HER immaturity.

Good news: it IS something that can be changed. But ONLY when you two are adult enough to discuss it...maturely.

If you DON'T address it, cowboy, YOU will become resentful; and that REALLY kills love. If SHE doesn't address it, SHE will never grow up and mature.

Sit down with your wife at a quiet time, and tell her you would like to discuss with her how you two can have better communication skills and be on the same page about your marriage and your future. Ask her to accompany you to a few (half-dozen) counseling sessions so you can BOTH learn to listen/speak thoughtfully, clear the air on any issues (like the necessity of TIME/HOBBIES ALONE), and make a plan going forward.

It's doable, cowboy, if YOU take control and learn to ask for what you need and give her what she needs, too.

Good luck!


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## Rascal

Yes, in my first marriage. I should never had married her. I didn't marry her to be with HER. I married her because I had such trouble finding a relationship. She was my first girlfriend. I was afraid I wouldn't manage another and she was pushing me to get married. It was the biggest mistake of my life.


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## Thound

The only regrets I have are the stupid things I did when I was younger and came back to bite me in azz later in our marriage. I have never regretted marrying my wife. I now warn my boys that love can be killed by a thousand little cuts.


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## ocotillo

There was a point somewhere in the midst of braces, college educations, a wife with expensive tastes and no sex for a long, long time when I wanted off the treadmill. But we're talking about some pretty bad depression here -- not something I thought in a rational frame of mind.


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## RandomDude

I regret not being able to give my daughter and heir the life that I promised her before she was even born... but I can only do my best


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## Faithful Wife

25 is very young and is a difficult age to be married. Be very careful.


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## Enginerd

25 is so young. It would have been hard to settle down at that age. His waffling is not a good sign. Protect yourself.

I don't regret having a family, but I would not get married again knowing what I know now. I don't believe humans are naturally monogamous for life. Also the institution of marriage as we currently define it is a big gamble. Children must always be supported after divorce, but I don't believe in spousal support. Every marriage contract should include a "choose to renew" clause that kicks in at 7 year intervals where either party can leave without requiring support. Shared guardianship should also be mandatory unless one spouse is abusive or neglectful. If both parties knew this going into a marriage I believe people would take it more seriously and think twice about entering into a marriage contract.


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## 2ntnuf

Only two times in my life I felt like I regretted it. LOL

I don't think you are human if you've never wondered if you did the right thing. Hindsight is twenty-twenty.


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## I Notice The Details

No.


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## OHMSS79

cowboy1 said:


> The subject title really caught my eye. I'm married to a great woman, but yet I think marriage is quite adjustment. I definitely miss being able to just take off and do things, but being married means you have to check in at all times. If I want alone time she takes it personally. If I want to hang out with friends she interprets it as a sign that I don't want to be around her. Geez, I just want to watch some sports with my buddies. I have no desire to sleep around, it's the other freedoms I miss. She has no idea I feel this way because the fight it would cause is just not worth it. I think it's true, men are from mars and women are from venus. There seems to be some kind of disconnect between men and women regarding expectations after marriage.


Hi Cowboy,

I feel the same way. I wish marriage was not such a negotiation the whole time. It does seem that women are hard wired a certain way about marriage.


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## okeydokie

Only recently do I find myself thinking about what it would have been like if I hadn't. I have three awesome kids that would have never walked the planet if I hadn't gotten married to my wife.


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## romantic_guy

Nope...not for one second. I married her when she was 16 and I was 17 because she was pregnant. Sure, we had some very rough years, but now, 40 years later, I would not change a thing. Sounds to me like he needs to grow up. You just don't get to do what you want to do all of the time. You sacrifice wha you want for the good of others, or in this case, your relationship.


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## tulsy

that_girl said:


> At 25 they've barely sowed anything.


:iagree:


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## tulsy

I regretted being married many times....I got married too young to someone who was lazy, had extreme LD, was very controlling and monitoring of everything, and generally wasn't interested in changing anything about herself, yet wanted me to change into something I wasn't.

I'm older now, grown up, divorced, and have been dating someone who has the same common interests as me...who'd have thought?

Maybe you guys got married too young? I don't know why people rush into a commitment like marriage...I did it too, but I would never do it again.

Maybe you guys need a relationship with some more time apart. Maybe he needs a guys night and you need a girls night....I'm personally not into that, but he feels like he is missing something.

Have you tried romance? Maybe you can increase the intimacy between you two. Might need counselling.

Sounds like a lot of work...make sure he is willing to do the work, otherwise there is no point. *If you are the only one fighting for the marriage, you may as well get out* because it will end up being for nothing.


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## romantic_guy

tulsy said:


> Sounds like a lot of work...make sure he is willing to do the work, otherwise there is no point. *If you are the only one fighting for the marriage, you may as well get out* because it will end up being for nothing.


:iagree:


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## southbound

I never regretted being married while I was married, but after my x-wife divorced me after 18 years because she "wasn't happy anymore," I see that I enjoy being single really well. I don't mean that I'm currently going wild, but just being totally in charge of my own life and being able to do what I want when i want is very rewarding.

I will think long and hard before I ever get married again. I'm not even dating. I enjoy the freedom. 

That is what I've discovered after divorce. On the other hand, I was happy while married and would never have asked for a divorce.


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## Wiserforit

No.

I'm fine with being single too, but I prefer being committed with someone.

I was 22 the first time and did not regret being married at any time until the abuse and her affair were unconscionable seven years into it.


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## RandomDude

Worst decision of my life


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## Malcolm38

Love the kids....rather be alone now relationship wise.


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## Convection

Nah. We have our ups and downs, just like any couple. I am glad we stuck out the tough spots. No regret on marriage.

On the other hand, if I had it to do over, there are about a bajillion points on the marriage journey that I look back on where I f***ed up. I'd love some do-overs.

Can't live in the past, though.


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## SepticChange

I don't regret being married. It sounds like some of you mainly regret marrying the person rather than marrying in general...

If he and I do split, I will have regretted marrying HIM, but not the fact that I chose to settle down at 23.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Hmmm ... I do have regrets about the person I chose ... I don't know, mixed feelings about that ... we did have good years. I do not regret getting married. I certainly do not regret having daughters that resulted from getting married. Made me discover what love really is.


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## Jwayne

Well, if your husband is 25, that' s not even close to sowing his wild oats. I met my wife at 29, almost 30, got married at 33 and now, 15 years later, marriage is really, really, tuff. If something were to happen to my marriage now, I wouldn't do it again. It's too much work. We have 2 boys and we have grown apart. Our relationship isn't good, our sex life isn't good, but, I would miss my children. So, that's why I'm still here.


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## OhGeesh

Love being married to my wife, but couldn't handle many of the marriages my friends are in. Shoot many of the so called good ones on here seem weird to me too.

If my wife passed I would not get married again! I would do many unscrupulous things instead.


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## jaquen

Nope, never, not even once with my wife.

I did realize, however, a few years into marriage that I actually don't want to be married_ in general._ I love being married specifically to my wife. We have a marriage that isn't typical, has a lot of breathing room, and really fits us. Previously I was one of those boys who always wanted to be married, ever since I was a kid. It was a pretty major revelation to realize that I no longer have any desire to be married if it's not my wife. If something happened to her, or us, I have a very, very difficult time imagining wanting to wed again.


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## wilson

There are many experiences in life where you can't really know how you feel about it until you've been through it. It's totally understandable that someone eagerly goes into marriage, but then later finds out they don't like it.

For example, imagine you've always wanted to be in a band. But when you join a band, you find out you don't like all the extra stuff involved in being in a band. You don't like having to collaborate, schedule practice times, tour, etc. Even if you have the best bandmates, it may not matter if you don't actually like being in a band environment.

I think marriage can be like that. Many people may prefer the single life, but they don't really know that until they've been married. They assume that marriage will make them happier. They don't really know until they've been through it.

That doesn't mean they are an awful person or that they should be held prisoner in the marriage. If they are truly happier being single, let them follow that path. It seems when people want their spouse to stay in the marriage, it is often because it is the best thing for them, not because they think it will make their spouse the happiest.


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## Dollystanford

Yes I regret marrying him. Should have f*cked him out of my system and gone our separate ways. Whoops


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## Dreyes

Dollystanford said:


> Yes I regret marrying him. Should have f*cked him out of my system and gone our separate ways. Whoops


Lol I should of done the same

Yes I regret marrying her biggest mistake I ever made and its costing me a lot more to divorce her then I would like


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## LostInNJ53

I'm the new kid on here...just joined and was browsing when this topic caught my eye because I do regret getting married the second time. We don't have any children of ours...I have 2 from my first marriage and she has one from her first marriage.

I regret getting married the second time because I don't feel our marriage is an equal partnership. I don't hate my wife, I just don't want to be married anymore. My life didn't turn out like I thought it would and my quality of life has gotten worse. When we first met I was led to believe she was someone she wasn't (i.e. she always paid her own way through life, but I'm still waiting for her to contribute more than the bare minimum). Also, unfortunately, financial I'm worse off now than before we married.
Just my .02 worth.


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## Caribbean Man

Nope,
Never regretted.
I got married at 24 to a woman who was older than I ,and who convinced me that marrying and " l_iving happily ever after_ " was the best option.
Before her , I always made fun of my male friends who decided to get married.

At age 24 , my life was already full life of opportunities ,education , work , parties , women.
My wife / fiancee / long time friend had a surprisingly balancing effect on my life. I knew she would make me a good wife.
I remember once during courtship, reading a quote by a famous celebrity, who was speaking about men and marriage.
He basically said marriage is not for little boys , but for men.
I agreed with him.

I guess the exact , same can apply to women also.


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## Starstarfish

Have there been moments when I've wanted to go to the bathroom by myself or just wanted to take a long bath without scheduling it a week in advance, God yes. And those are the moments, something deep in the back of your brain goes "OMG, kids."

Likewise, are there times where I miss the spontaneity of college life, of piling into the car with 8 friends and deciding 10 minutes before a movie starts to go - sure. But that's not regretting my marriage, that's mourning spontaneity.


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## jaquen

Starstarfish said:


> Have there been moments when I've wanted to go to the bathroom by myself or just wanted to take a long bath without scheduling it a week in advance, God yes. And those are the moments, something deep in the back of your brain goes "OMG, kids."
> 
> Likewise, are there times where I miss the spontaneity of college life, of piling into the car with 8 friends and deciding 10 minutes before a movie starts to go - sure. But that's not regretting my marriage, that's mourning spontaneity.


But is most of this a byproduct of becoming a father or getting married?

Assuming you came into the marriage sans kids, how was the spontaneity in your life pre-children?


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## IKZQ

I'm rather new here, but feel the need to say that in the end, discussion on marriage is rather futile. Everyone's case is different. It seems the usual stereotypes never exactly apply. Been married a long time. Women get the stereotypical credit for being the "communicative ones". I cannot talk to my wife, because she always blows up, short circuits it, rants and raves from one topic to another. If I try to discuss any given topic in a rational way, she diverts it to an attack from left field, and there is no way to defend from IED's from every direction. I've finally learned, the ONLY way to deal with it, is just sit there quietly and "take it". I am retired now, yet still working so hard (physically) that I take pain meds each day. There is no let up. She has no concept of the actual work done, gives me the Silent Treatment over dinner, then blows up and lets me have it. No matter how hard I work, it's never good enough. Meanwhile, she lies there watching QVC all day. I don't go "out", don't mess around, don't go "out with the guys". I just work my OLD *** off each day. And, it's still never good enough.


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## eves

To answer the original topic....Yes, nearly every day I regret getting married. Then again, I question whether I would be any happier having not gotten married.


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## Starstarfish

Well, first to clarify, I became a mother, not a father (I'm female.)

I graduated left college in August and moved cross country to be with my H, got a full time job in October, got married in December. So - it was a big collection of changes that happened in a row. And my job tended to remove that possibility even further as I often had to work unscheduled shifts at the last minute when others didn't show up for work, or got called in on my days off. So - it left me kind of in limbo about making plans even when I wasn't at work. I transitioned from that job into having my son. 

So - not that wasn't really a by-product of marriage, it was a by-product of my job, and moving out of my "home zone" so there was less spontaneity anyways as the friends mentioned in my original post were then 11 hours away. 

I just wanted to put out the idea that sometimes circumstances can feel overwhelming (even momentarily) but that doesn't mean that one really regrets their marriage, just the changes that went with it. I likely should have clarified that better in my original post.


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## LostInNJ53

IKZQ said:


> I'm rather new here, but feel the need to say that in the end, discussion on marriage is rather futile. Everyone's case is different. It seems the usual stereotypes never exactly apply. Been married a long time. Women get the stereotypical credit for being the "communicative ones". I cannot talk to my wife, because she always blows up, short circuits it, rants and raves from one topic to another. If I try to discuss any given topic in a rational way, she diverts it to an attack from left field, and there is no way to defend from IED's from every direction. I've finally learned, the ONLY way to deal with it, is just sit there quietly and "take it". I am retired now, yet still working so hard (physically) that I take pain meds each day. There is no let up. She has no concept of the actual work done, gives me the Silent Treatment over dinner, then blows up and lets me have it. No matter how hard I work, it's never good enough. Meanwhile, she lies there watching QVC all day. I don't go "out", don't mess around, don't go "out with the guys". I just work my OLD *** off each day. And, it's still never good enough.


Wow. You could almost be describing my married life...except for the ranting and raving (I'm the one that does that because everytime my wife opens her mouth she is BSing about something, everytime I ask for help with the finances she tells me how she has worked all her life and she is entitled to be taken care of)) and watching QVC...mine watches MSNBC because she says she is "Addicted" to politics. 
But I work 12-14 hours a day and she works about 2-3 hours a days, complains how hard she works and takes 4-5 hour naps everyday. But I don't go out, have any hobbies or any other interests besides working.


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## whitehawk

Why is it every mens clubhouse on the net is full of women , either correcting guy's comments or asking questions ? Are the womens clubhouses full of men ?
In our last 2-3 yrs I asked myself dozens of times whether I still wanted to be married.
Separated now and I'm still not sure , do miss like hell who use to be my best friend though .


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## dusty4

> Gentlemen, did you ever feel like you regretted getting married?


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## jaffacake

I regret getting married. I thought I married to a man, but he turned out to be a child. My general life qualities aren't better compared to those while I was single. I thought marriage supposed to be a partnership, but later realized that I have been paddling alone for a long time. 
If I ever have any offspring, I would strongly advice her/him to be very careful choosing the future partner. It is probably the most important decision in our lives and we often overlook many signs and details.


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## Onthefenc

Of course. Sometimes. Sometimes im really glad im married. No one knows me like my wife. But id say overall? Maybe. I was married young and never got to "run"


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## SepticChange

*Re: Re: Gentlemen, did you ever feel like you regretted getting married?*



whitehawk said:


> Why is it every mens clubhouse on the net is full of women , either correcting guy's comments or asking questions ? Are the womens clubhouses full of men ?
> In our last 2-3 yrs I asked myself dozens of times whether I still wanted to be married.
> Separated now and I'm still not sure , do miss like hell who use to be my best friend though .


Come on, really? A lot of times it's so we can get a man's perspective on things. .


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## OhGeesh

I love my wife tons!! I would not get married again.............there are far too many "opportunities and lifestyles" I would engage in if I were single to ever commit. At least for another 20 years or so!!


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## As'laDain

IKZQ said:


> I'm rather new here, but feel the need to say that in the end, discussion on marriage is rather futile. Everyone's case is different. It seems the usual stereotypes never exactly apply. Been married a long time. Women get the stereotypical credit for being the "communicative ones". I cannot talk to my wife, because she always blows up, short circuits it, rants and raves from one topic to another. If I try to discuss any given topic in a rational way, she diverts it to an attack from left field, and there is no way to defend from IED's from every direction. I've finally learned, the ONLY way to deal with it, is just sit there quietly and "take it". I am retired now, yet still working so hard (physically) that I take pain meds each day. There is no let up. She has no concept of the actual work done, gives me the Silent Treatment over dinner, then blows up and lets me have it. No matter how hard I work, it's never good enough. Meanwhile, she lies there watching QVC all day. I don't go "out", don't mess around, don't go "out with the guys". I just work my OLD *** off each day. And, it's still never good enough.


throw your tv away.


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## Kaboom

Late to the conversation.. but in response to the original question:

Yes, I regret ever getting married. Outside of my wife having BPD, which we've learned (finally) to deal with, I realized in less than a year that it just wasn't for me. I adore women, I love them for many reasons, but I also enjoy being free. I have a hard time expressing my feelings in a concise manner, but things that are so damn simple and innocent, like taking a nap on a Saturday afternoon, or going out with friends for happy hour, or going to a bar Sat night to see a band.. going fishing, going anywhere, to do anything.. you need "permission" and even when you live with someone who doesn't require it, it still makes you feel like you have to check in with mom before you go.

I've been in hot water a million times for just wanting to do something.. not just within marriage, but it's been a staple in all of my relationships. 

Here's the kicker- I would consider my marriage to be far happier than most. While we almost got divorced a couple of years ago, and even up to last year was god-awful, once we got her meds right, she's been pretty awesome. I still wish I wasn't married.

It really has zero to do with her, and everything to do with me, and I feel incredibly guilty. Guilty for not being happy as it is, guilty for wanting things, guilty when I go out without her, and guilty for wanting to not have to answer to anyone. So regardless, I feel guilty all the time. 

But yeah.. Given the chance to do it all again, I'd stay single and only date. Committed relationships aren't for me. It's not that I'm unwilling to be monogamous, I have been before... that's the easy part. I just don't want all the rest of the constant meeting in the middle, negotiations, and having to be responsible for someone else's emotional happiness.


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## soulseer

I miss the sex I had with my wife before we were married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kitty2013

Marriage changes me as a person. I did and learned many things after I got married. I would get married again without hesitation but I am not sure I would marry the same man.


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## golf4ever

marriage is the hardest thing in life. but it is also the most rewarding thing as well.


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## ScarletBegonias

whitehawk said:


> Why is it every mens clubhouse on the net is full of women , either correcting guy's comments or asking questions ? Are the womens clubhouses full of men ?


Isn't it great to get EVERYONE's view? Yes,the ladies lounge is full of dudes too making comments,correcting statements,and asking questions all over the place. 

Get over it


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## ElCanario

Yes, I very much regret getting married, and I'm trying to deal with the daily misery of it.


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## Gomerpyle

Even with the wife pulling one outrage after another I never said to myself that I regretted getting married. 

But looking back on it, both sets of parents really pushed us unto marriage. It was relentless, and mostly religiously inspired guilt-tripping about "living in sin". What I regret now was letting anyone manipulate me into a major life decision. 

This time, I was the only one involved in my decision and had I listened to people on this forum I would not have made the right decision. Know thyself, and to thine own self be true.


----------



## BashfulB

SepticChange said:


> Come on, really? A lot of times it's so we can get a man's perspective on things. .


Then read the posts and learn. Why do some TAM women feel the need to always butt in to a conversation they were not invited to?

More and more I see a few particular female posters who have a chip on their shoulders, who enjoy derailing these threads and turn them into gender battles. When all us guys really want to do is hang out and vent a little.


----------



## BashfulB

ScarletBegonias said:


> Isn't it great to get EVERYONE's view? Yes,the ladies lounge is full of dudes too making comments,correcting statements,and asking questions all over the place.
> 
> Get over it


I havent visited the ladies lounge once since coming onto TAM.

I think women should have a forum for themselves and men should have theirs. 

Leave the mixing of sexes for the General forum.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

BashfulBull said:


> I havent visited the ladies lounge once since coming onto TAM.
> 
> I think women should have a forum for themselves and men should have theirs.
> 
> Leave the mixing of sexes for the General forum.


If you don't like it,complain to a mod about it. But then,you'd be complaining to them about themselves bc they cross over on the boards too. Some of the male mods even post actual threads in the female section


----------



## ScarletBegonias

BashfulBull said:


> Then read the posts and learn. Why do some TAM women feel the need to always butt in to a conversation they were not invited to?
> 
> More and more I see a few particular female posters who have a chip on their shoulders, who enjoy derailing these threads and turn them into gender battles. When all us guys really want to do is hang out and vent a little.


Ah yes,I see that too.Certainly NONE of the men around here would EVER come to the ladies and do that in their threads.Nope.Never.


----------



## In Absentia

I don't regret getting married... I regret getting married to my wife...


----------



## 1977hc

I was in my mid 30s when I got married and to be honest I think at least 30-40% of it was from the social and family pressure of getting married.

Honestly, if I had a "go back in time" card I would not marry my wife. We're too different to be married. I think couples who are married really need to be connected on many levels, my wife and I are not connected on enough levels. I don't even know if we'll last to be honest.


----------



## VermisciousKnid

On a purely selfish level I do regret it. However, I have three awesome kids who wouldn't exist otherwise and I don't regret that. But my relationship with my wife has been so dysfunctional that being alone would be preferable.


----------



## ChargingCharlie

1977hc said:


> I was in my mid 30s when I got married and to be honest I think at least 30-40% of it was from the social and family pressure of getting married.
> 
> Honestly, if I had a "go back in time" card I would not marry my wife. We're too different to be married. I think couples who are married really need to be connected on many levels, my wife and I are not connected on enough levels. I don't even know if we'll last to be honest.


:iagree: This sounds familiar. Was about the same age and figured it was time to get married, as my friends were all married. Looking back, I wouldn't have married her. Like you, too different. I honestly like it when she's not around, as the house is much more relaxed (although she has gotten better, but it can still be stressful). We really don't have anything to talk about. Thing is, my friends (male and female) all like her (she is likeable). 

In my case, I think I should have stayed single. I didn't even date anyone for five years in my late 20's-early 30's (meaning didn't even go out on a date) and I like my alone time. As stated above, I prefer when she's not around, and that's sad.

IMO, this is what I married - an overweight, immature, insecure, asexual nag. Wish I would have seen this before marriage.


----------



## DesertRat1978

There have been times that I regret it. Most of the time, I do not.


----------



## johndz

I dont regret of being married, but sometimes I jut feel that was very soon. I married after finished the college, I didnt have time to learn, to find a good job, so I had to take the first job I found, anything, I struggled the first years and it was cause of discussions and so.


----------



## WestCoastBeachBoy

nah. its all about the kids! a couple years of good sex is enough. I had plenty in my 20s, prob too much.


----------



## MrK

Married? No, I'm fine with that. Married to the ice block that crashes down on to my bed every night? Not so much.


----------



## bfree

I love my wife. I want to be with my wife. I don't regret being with my wife. That said I don't believe in marriage any more as an institution. It just doesn't mean what it used to. I've told my wife that I am happy to stay with her for the rest of my life but if I had it to do over again I wouldn't marry her.


----------



## committed_guy

I regret getting married when I did. They should not give marriage licenses to people under 30. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. I brought a lot of immature expectations into marriage. I think had I waited a few years and grew up more my marriage would be better, or I would have had more wisdom to pick a more compatible person.


----------



## ChargingCharlie

committed_guy said:


> I regret getting married when I did. They should not give marriage licenses to people under 30. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. I brought a lot of immature expectations into marriage. I think had I waited a few years and grew up more my marriage would be better, or I would have had more wisdom to pick a more compatible person.


See your point, but we got married well into our 30's, and have the same issues. I'm dreading going home because she's been home all day (off because of MLK day) with the kids, so they probably didn't nap (which is my fault, of course), plus she texted me about something else that happened at home (won't discuss here but not about the kids) that she's ticked about, so I'll get an earful. Thankfully, she has to go somewhere after I get home, which will be a nice respite (although with my luck she'll cancel it).


----------



## John Lee

I've gone through phases of my life where I regretted marriage. I would say we have a LOT going for our relationship -- we fell in real love when we met, we have common interests, I think she is a very good and decent person, we make each other laugh, etc. There's also a lot of baggage. Bad fights, serious problems, scary moments, etc. I don't feel like recounting them right now because our marriage is in a very good state and I want to focus on the positive. We have a great daughter who we love and we parent well together. 

I did once tell my wife, years ago now, that I thought I might want a divorce. It was a terrible thing to do to her, especially without being sure, and I regret it. I think our relationship has gotten a lot better and stronger since then, and I hope to continue to work on the things in myself that push me to occasionally want to escape. I think it's common to sometimes secretly long for freedom. I don't think it's common, or healthy, to be telling your wife you're calling movers to get an estimate. It sounds like he's not really fully "in" the marriage, like he hasn't even really considered what a marriage is.


----------



## jnyu44

Love how people come from different perspectives here. Some say it's the idea of a marriage institution that bothers them, others think of their wives. 

I love the idea of marriage as an institution. There are plenty of pros and cons, but at the end of the day I like the idea of two people growing with and helping each other. But boy is that pie in the sky sometimes...

Marriage was the crash course in life that I needed. From this perspective, I'm glad I made the plunge. 

I married a woman who has very high standards, is very intelligent, beautiful, and talented...but for the life of her cannot stay happy. She is pessimistic, can be nasty, materialistic, and is stubborn as a mule. These traits helped to accelerate my crash course in life...

...and now I'm at the point where, career-wise, I am very satisfied and have achieved some success. But everyday when I walk through that door, I feel like I'm paying back an endless debt.

When I got married, I felt like I knew I was making a faustian bargain: I would become successful in return for marrying this woman (yes I feel very sorry for her in this regard). I didn't need love as much as I needed success. 

I didn't think I could win: I'd either risk being unsuccessful but at least marry a happy woman, or I could be unhappy but at least my success was guaranteed. Either way, I was going to be unhappy because I need both.

I could pack my bags and leave (no kids), but ironically her moral compass rubbed off on me, and where I would have had no qualms about quitting a couple years ago, staying in it seems like the right thing to do.

But f, it is so hard.


----------



## RoyR

I was married 19 years. Regretted it every day for 14. Huge Mistake and I had to pay a ton of money to undue it...

That fact that I had to pay to get out has scarred me permanently.


----------



## Kaboom

RoyR said:


> That fact that I had to pay to get out has scarred me permanently.


I think that's the heart of the issue for those who have issues with the 'Institution'.

I have problems with all of it. Every single thread of marriage is a big lie. We are sold on marriage, given a very unrealistic set of expectations and then spend the entire time realizing it, regretting it, and ultimately despising it.

The biggest letdown for me is simply the expectation that you are "joining" your lives together, with zero mention of your individual lives. You get married, and suddenly your friends, hobbies, likes and dislikes- all become "our" friends, hobbies, etc.. 

Yes, OUR lives are merged, joined, but the individual isn't dead, we didn't genetically smash ourselves into a blob of mediocrity.. we simply merged part of our lives to create a new part, but not replace the other parts.

This is where people fail, one or both partners attempts to assume control and now friends that your partner doesn't like aren't friends anymore. Same with the hobbies and other stuff. We are then forced to change into something we're not.

It's a doomed prospect, especially if you are in the "opposites attract" definition of a couple- the less alike you are, the more doomed you are. 

And then sex... some people seem to think that even if it isn't great that the relationship will somehow survive, but I say no.. it's the opposite.. if you aren't on the same page in the bedroom, the relationship will absolutely end, or drudge on with infidelity, mistrust, and broken hearts.

And through all of it, you pay dearly while you are in it, and pay even more dearly to escape it. Men definitely pay more, which further increases my disgust with the whole system.


----------



## Jellybeans

Woman here. 

I don't regret getting married, because that experience as opened my eyes to a lot and I am thankful that I did have the experience.

But it's not something I feel I have to or want to do again.


----------



## RoyR

Jellybeans said:


> Woman here.
> 
> I don't regret getting married, because that experience as opened my eyes to a lot and I am thankful that I did have the experience.
> 
> But it's not something I feel I have to or want to do again.


OF COURSE YOU DO, you didn't have to PAY to get out of the trap. UGH !


----------



## RoyR

MrK said:


> Married? No, I'm fine with that. Married to the ice block that crashes down on to my bed every night? Not so much.


THE ICE BLOCK. Nice !! Thanks for the laugh...

Funny thing is my current wife is very chunky, but great in the sack. My ex is super sexy and pretty...Dead in bed.


----------



## RoyR

Jwayne said:


> Well, if your husband is 25, that' s not even close to sowing his wild oats. I met my wife at 29, almost 30, got married at 33 and now, 15 years later, marriage is really, really, tuff. If something were to happen to my marriage now, I wouldn't do it again. It's too much work. We have 2 boys and we have grown apart. Our relationship isn't good, our sex life isn't good, but, I would miss my children. So, that's why I'm still here.


I hope you don't live to regret that and hate your kids. I hope to GOD your wife makes more income than you do...a lot more.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

No but would have rather headed off the sexless part I am in now somehow.
I would marry my wife again even with this rough sexless stretch


----------



## bravenewworld

RoyR said:


> OF COURSE YOU DO, you didn't have to PAY to get out of the trap. UGH !


This is pretty sexist. I'm a lady and had to pay to get out of my marriage. He hid tons of money as well that I was never able to locate. A few of my divorced friends pay their husbands spousal support. 

I don't regret getting married either because until they invent a time machine I find regret to be a useless and draining emotion. 
We are who we are based on the good - and bad times.


----------



## Chuck71

Marriage is what the two make of it

I stayed in mine too long because I grew up around family

who worked thing out, if at all possible

I don't regret it, I learned a ton from her

I was 25, she was 32.....I should have seen the signs then

live and learn

the first few years together were breathtaking

I will always carry that period with me

We both rugswept and it turned into poison

A balance is a must, I am in a relationship again, who knows what may come

she possesses talents I do not, and vice versa

a nice thing is we both enjoy teaching the other how to accomplish

a mastery of the other's hobbies / skill set

if a female can listen to me for four hours on how it is 

better to buy a set and sell singles, then I should have 

no complaints about spending two hours in line to overpay for

Paula Dean


----------



## lfortender

I'm married for almost 7 years and regret all the time. I should get courage to separate!


----------



## Jellybeans

bravenewworld said:


> This is pretty sexist. *I'm a lady and had to pay to get out of my marriage.*



:rofl: Me, too. Btw, that poster got banned. Obviously!



bravenewworld said:


> I* don't regret getting married either because until they invent a time machine I find regret to be a useless and draining emotion. *
> We are who we are based on the good - and bad times.


I like this.


----------



## Chuck71

lfortender said:


> I'm married for almost 7 years and regret all the time. I should get courage to separate!


post your story.... we would like to hear about it

and you will get solid advice on what you should do

keep in mind, it's advice, you make the final call


----------



## Jellybeans

Alsio, I just noticed what RoyR said made zero sense. I had said I didn't want to get married again and he said "of course cause you didn't have to pay" Of course I never want to marry again? He made no sense - I think he was spewing and didn't even realize what he was typing at.

Nerd. Banned angry nerd. Hahahaha.


----------



## LessThanHuman

jnyu44 said:


> I love the idea of marriage as an institution. There are plenty of pros and cons, but at the end of the day I like the idea of two people growing with and helping each other. But boy is that pie in the sky sometimes...
> 
> Marriage was the crash course in life that I needed. From this perspective, I'm glad I made the plunge.
> 
> I married a woman who has very high standards, is very intelligent, beautiful, and talented...but for the life of her cannot stay happy. She is pessimistic, can be nasty, materialistic, and is stubborn as a mule.


I feel the same with you. I was nothing before I met my wife, although I was not a failure too. I just didn't care much about life, didn't had a clue and no destiny.

Letting her into my life, and falling in love for her changed me. One year dating plus 7 years of marriage and (2 kids 2 and 5 yo), I am comfortable with my career now.

The problem in our relationship is trust, we don't trust each other. I tried to change myself and encouraged her to do the same. But when she told me that she didn't care, that hurt me so much and I give up.

I am currently staying for the kids, and I feel I did owed her for what I had achieved in life and career along our relationship. She is a SAHM and I will support her and the kids if I choose to leave.


----------



## Chuck71

LessThanHuman said:


> I feel the same with you. I was nothing before I met my wife, although I was not a failure too. I just didn't care much about life, didn't had a clue and no destiny.
> 
> Letting her into my life, and falling in love for her changed me. One year dating plus 7 years of marriage and (2 kids 2 and 5 yo), I am comfortable with my career now.
> 
> The problem in our relationship is trust, we don't trust each other. I tried to change myself and encouraged her to do the same. But when she told me that she didn't care, that hurt me so much and I give up.
> 
> I am currently staying for the kids, and I feel I did owed her for what I had achieved in life and career along our relationship. She is a SAHM and I will support her and the kids if I choose to leave.


a M without trust is the purest form of poison

never change for anyone else, for YOU only

ya couldn't have been too bad then, she M you

so you're staying for the kids, 2 and 5

16 more years to go, not much huh

hope your health holds up under the stress and resentment

what I'm saying is you really need to re-examine where you are

16 years of misery is too long for anyone


----------



## Runs like Dog

I had a Porsche once - I knew, I just knew that there would always be some weird new noise and I'd bring it back again to Gunther or whomever and I swear that guy used to work for Von Braun on the V-2 and he'd mess with it and pronounce that yet another hard to find expensive part which required a complete dis-assembly of the entire car, would be needed. And in a month something even more bizarre would happen where Gunther or Borg Gunther 6 of 9 would sagely nod and announce that he had never even ordered THAT part before, didn't know how to do it except call up the Trolls From Stuttgart where they make them and ask them...so that would be real interesting....except that's a sub assembly from Bosch and they don't make them any more so hey, let's ghetto-rig this other thing, we'll just have to mount it upside down and at a 90 deg angle rotated clockwise. But first did you know the throwout bearing is cracked? Ja! Unglaublich! wee'f never dis beefor.

And so on. 

Regret? No. Just the eroding relentless concession to the inevitable.


----------



## Chuck71

Runs like Dog said:


> I had a Porsche once - I knew, I just knew that there would always be some weird new noise and I'd bring it back again to Gunther or whomever and I swear that guy used to work for Von Braun on the V-2 and he'd mess with it and pronounce that yet another hard to find expensive part which required a complete dis-assembly of the entire car, would be needed. And in a month something even more bizarre would happen where Gunther or Borg Gunther 6 of 9 would sagely nod and announce that he had never even ordered THAT part before, didn't know how to do it except call up the Trolls From Stuttgart where they make them and ask them...so that would be real interesting....except that's a sub assembly from Bosch and they don't make them any more so hey, let's ghetto-rig this other thing, we'll just have to mount it upside down and at a 90 deg angle rotated clockwise. But first did you know the throwout bearing is cracked? Ja! Unglaublich! wee'f never dis beefor.
> 
> And so on.
> 
> Regret? No. Just the eroding relentless concession to the inevitable.


pop told me many times

"if it weren't for cars and women, a man could make it in this world"


----------



## missthelove2013

I will NEVER marry again
I will NEVER live with a woman again
I will NEVER EVER EVER share finances/bank accounts/bills/debt with a woman again

An important part of a healthy romantic relationship is being able to go home for a few days, be alone a little bit...to miss each other...


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: Gentlemen, did you ever feel like you regretted getting married?*



missthelove2013 said:


> I will NEVER marry again
> I will NEVER live with a woman again
> I will NEVER EVER EVER share finances/bank accounts/bills/debt with a woman again
> 
> An important part of a healthy romantic relationship is being able to go home for a few days, be alone a little bit...to miss each other...


I missed my ex wife.


Seriously, she jumped out of the way. I thought of going back to try again but the karma bus got hold of her and never let go.


----------



## hambone

missthelove2013 said:


> I will NEVER marry again
> I will NEVER live with a woman again
> I will NEVER EVER EVER share finances/bank accounts/bills/debt with a woman again
> 
> An important part of a healthy romantic relationship is being able to go home for a few days, be alone a little bit...to miss each other...


That attitude will serve you well.

I felt the EXACT same way after I got out of my first marriage.


My policy was to never date a girl more than twice.. Keep moving, do not accidentally fall into a relationship..

I was 30 years old, no kids, great job, don't drink, smoke, gamble, or curse... I had no shortage of people wanting to fix me up with their friend.

Then, I screwed up.... I met Miss wonderful... I met someone I absolutely could not resist. 

I fell head over heels in love... and still am. 

You can't meet the Miss wonderful if you're tied up with Miss OK.


----------



## hambone

I was regretting the hell out of my first marriage by about midways through the honeymoon.

I have not regretted my second marriage one iota. I have the best wife in the world...(for me)


----------



## Chuck71

you can not make the people of your future pay for the sins

committed by the ones from your past


----------



## Applejuice

Enginerd said:


> ..Children must always be supported after divorce, but I don't believe in spousal support. Every marriage contract should include a "choose to renew" clause that kicks in at 7 year intervals where either party can leave without requiring support. Shared guardianship should also be mandatory unless one spouse is abusive or neglectful. If both parties knew this going into a marriage I believe people would take it more seriously and think twice about entering into a marriage contract.


That all sounds very rational to me but somehow it grates, I think it's the idea of inviting more state intrusion into personal lives. I recall watching the parliamentary debate on the proposed enactment of the 'gay marriage' bill. The real point of contention wasn't over moral pretexts, it was over the definition of marriage and what purpose the Institution was designed to protect.

*"marriage"* _noun_

1.The formal union of a man and a woman, typically as recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife
_-http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/marriage_

..but that doesn't really tell us anything! There is no coherent purpose we can discern from such an ambiguous definition. All we can infer from that, is that two individuals can declare their formal 'union' and have it recognised by the state.

When our God-fearing ancestors entered into marriage, the church assumed responsibility for ensuring that married couples abided by their sacred vows or forever languish in the fires of hell (exempting certain wayward aristocrats by virtue of their Godly nature). As I review your suggestions regarding '7 year intervals' and other complex legal instruments, I'm forced to conclude that marriage no longer has anything to do with 'love' but I'm still wrestling with the concept.



committed_guy said:


> I regret getting married when I did. They should not give marriage licenses to people under 30


See, again.. consenting adults! Don't invite further legislative intrusion unless it's absolutely necessary. If 30 year olds are more irresponsible than they were 50 years ago, it's because successive generations have prolonged their childhood well beyond the age at which they started to make informed choices for themselves. If you tell a 29 year old that he/she is not responsible enough to be consent to marriage, they will remain delinquents 'til such time as the state considers them adults. What do we do then? Raise the age of consent to 40?



jnyu44 said:


> Love how people come from different perspectives here. Some say it's the idea of a marriage institution that bothers them, others think of their wives..
> 
> I love the idea of marriage as an institution. There are plenty of pros and cons, but at the end of the day I like the idea of two people growing with and helping each other. But boy is that pie in the sky sometimes..


You see, I don't understand that mechanical line of thinking? Can't one just set up a limited liability partnership with someone they admire and 'go into business' so to speak?



jaquen said:


> ..I did realize, however, a few years into marriage that I actually don't want to be married_ in general._ I love being married specifically to my wife..


See.. I don't understand that. I'm not married and I'm not judging you but how have you managed to make a distinction between 'being married' and 'being married to your wife'? Is that to 'companionship', what 'lust' is to 'I love you but I'm not IN love with you'? I only emphasise the point because I think the distinctions are important when trying to ascertain how marriage is generally perceived.



Kaboom said:


> I think that's the heart of the issue for those who have issues with the 'Institution'.
> 
> I have problems with all of it. Every single thread of marriage is a big lie. We are sold on marriage, given a very unrealistic set of expectations and then spend the entire time realizing it, regretting it, and ultimately despising it.
> 
> The biggest letdown for me is simply the expectation that you are "joining" your lives together, with zero mention of your individual lives. You get married, and suddenly your friends, hobbies, likes and dislikes- all become "our" friends, hobbies, etc..
> 
> Yes, OUR lives are merged, joined, but the individual isn't dead, we didn't genetically smash ourselves into a blob of mediocrity.. we simply merged part of our lives to create a new part, but not replace the other parts.
> 
> This is where people fail, one or both partners attempts to assume control and now friends that your partner doesn't like aren't friends anymore. Same with the hobbies and other stuff. We are then forced to change into something we're not.
> 
> It's a doomed prospect, especially if you are in the "opposites attract" definition of a couple- the less alike you are, the more doomed you are.
> 
> And then sex... some people seem to think that even if it isn't great that the relationship will somehow survive, but I say no.. it's the opposite.. if you aren't on the same page in the bedroom, the relationship will absolutely end, or drudge on with infidelity, mistrust, and broken hearts.
> 
> And through all of it, you pay dearly while you are in it, and pay even more dearly to escape it. Men definitely pay more, which further increases my disgust with the whole system.


I agree with 80% of that! ..Very nicely presented



Jellybeans said:


> Alsio, I just noticed what RoyR said made zero sense. I had said I didn't want to get married again and he said "of course cause you didn't have to pay" Of course I never want to marry again? He made no sense - I think he was spewing and didn't even realize what he was typing at.
> 
> Nerd. Banned angry nerd. Hahahaha.


Feel better now Jellybeans? Nothing like a show of empathy to really advertise your commitment to shared healing. You don't have to be clairvoyant to see that the guy had problems. Instead of proving to him that his misconception of women as a generality were obviously based on falsely subjective rationales, you simply reinforced them then laughed him out the door. For what? Did it make you feel good?



Dollystanford said:


> Yes I regret marrying him. Should have f*cked him out of my system and gone our separate ways. Whoops


That's a rather ugly sentiment to which I'll leave you with this..



BashfulBull said:


> ..More and more I see a few particular female posters who have a chip on their shoulders..





whitehawk said:


> Why is it every mens clubhouse on the net is full of women , either correcting guy's comments or asking questions ? Are the womens clubhouses full of men ?..


White, I can understand your reservations but I honestly don't think the Men's clubhouse would be the same without their perspectives. Actually, it's quite brave of them to venture in here given the nature of some the topics. I find it reassuring that in the midst of all our collective anxieties, insecurities and resentment, a few pioneering, well-intentioned sisters choose to run the gauntlet and seek our help.



bravenewworld said:


> ..I don't regret getting married either because until they invent a time machine I find regret to be a useless and draining emotion.


Amen! Richard Dawkins believes that guilt is a form of social survival instinct but in my opinion, it does far more harm than good. You don't have to browse through too many of these threads to see how harmful and debilitating, galloping guilt can become.



missthelove2013 said:


> An important part of a healthy romantic relationship is being able to go home for a few days, be alone a little bit...to miss each other...


Except in the case of a BPD spouse as I recently discovered!


----------



## southbound

missthelove2013 said:


> I will NEVER marry again
> I will NEVER live with a woman again
> I will NEVER EVER EVER share finances/bank accounts/bills/debt with a woman again
> 
> An important part of a healthy romantic relationship is being able to go home for a few days, be alone a little bit...to miss each other...


I feel about the same way for now, but i guess everybody is different. I used to hear that people are in charge of their own happiness, and I didn't really get it, or I thought it was just a dumb psychological comment; however, I have come to understand it after my divorce.

I was not happy because I was married, nor am I happy because I'm divorced, I'm just happy. I don't really need a relationship to be happy, although I didn't know that in my 20s.

I often wonder how many people are actually unhappy being married and possibly don't even realize it. They married so young, that life is all they know.


----------



## Chuck71

or be as my grandparents and marry at 17 and 13

and spend 50 plus years together

the outside world......frowns on happy couples


----------



## ElCanario

Chuck71 said:


> a M without trust is the purest form of poison
> 
> never change for anyone else, for YOU only
> 
> ya couldn't have been too bad then, she M you
> 
> so you're staying for the kids, 2 and 5
> 
> 16 more years to go, not much huh
> 
> hope your health holds up under the stress and resentment
> 
> what I'm saying is you really need to re-examine where you are
> 
> 16 years of misery is too long for anyone


This is true, as I'm now going through the same misery. But what should a guy do? If you want to raise your own children and not get screwed, you have to stay.


----------



## jaquen

Kaboom said:


> The biggest letdown for me is simply the expectation that you are "joining" your lives together, with zero mention of your individual lives. You get married, and suddenly your friends, hobbies, likes and dislikes- all become "our" friends, hobbies, etc..
> 
> Yes, OUR lives are merged, joined, but the individual isn't dead, we didn't genetically smash ourselves into a blob of mediocrity.. we simply merged part of our lives to create a new part, but not replace the other parts.
> 
> This is where people fail, one or both partners attempts to assume control and now friends that your partner doesn't like aren't friends anymore. Same with the hobbies and other stuff. We are then forced to change into something we're not.
> 
> It's a doomed prospect, especially if you are in the "opposites attract" definition of a couple- the less alike you are, the more doomed you are.


But that isn't "marriage" in general, that was how you and your ex chose to conduct your specific marriage. If this was the requirement for marriage, I'd be right along with you in disdain. 

But my friends are just that...*my *friends. Same with my hobbies. They didn't become "our" friends, or "our" hobbies. How my wife feels about a particular friend in my life, whether she clicks with them personally, or not, doesn't affect my friendship, and vice versa. My wife and I have been together in a relationship for going on 15 years, and we have always had very distinct, separate lives. That did not change because we pledged our lives to one another. We both still retain very different interests, hobbies, and largely separate social lives. It works beautifully for us.

If I ever felt like I had to give up my individuality for marriage, I wouldn't have married. That's non-negotiable for me. We were interested in becoming tied in soul and spirit, bound together walking side by side through life. But never did I pledge to sacrifice my sense of self at the altar of matrimony, and neither did she. I wouldn't want her to give up herself for me; herself is who I adore.


----------



## Applejuice

Chuck71 said:


> or be as my grandparents and marry at 17 and 13
> 
> and spend 50 plus years together
> 
> the outside world......frowns on happy couples


I think happy couples inspire happy couples but unhappy couples can often resent them.



ElCanario said:


> This is true, as I'm now going through the same misery. But what should a guy do? If you want to raise your own children and not get screwed, you have to stay.


That's why I think the state has too much say in the personal lives of couples and no state machinery is adequately invested in their welfare to bother scrutinising the complex dynamics between them.


----------



## jaquen

Applejuice said:


> See.. I don't understand that. I'm not married and I'm not judging you but how have you managed to make a distinction between 'being married' and 'being married to your wife'? Is that to 'companionship', what 'lust' is to 'I love you but I'm not IN love with you'? I only emphasise the point because I think the distinctions are important when trying to ascertain how marriage is generally perceived.


I think you might be off on the wrong tangent.

Take a few more spins around this board, or if applicable, witness the wake of marital disasters that might be streaming through your own life. Marriage, as too many people define it, doesn't work out for a lot of people. Too many wed, prop up some idea of what marriage "should" look like, and set about trying to change themselves, and their spouses, in order to live up to that idea. Many marriages die at the altar of pretense, strangled for lack of individuality. 

I love being married to my wife because our marriage fits us. She and I. We don't try and live up to someone else's idea of marriage, sacrificing our ourselves to a god of generic matrimonial normalcy. What we have works beautifully...for us, and us alone. 

So as I take a look around at how so many others define "marriage", what it's "suppose" to be, I just find that my position over time has evolved. I no longer want to be married in general, as I once did long ago. I just want to be married to MY wife. And should she pass on before me, then I see no reason to try and strike oil twice.


----------



## Mr The Other

southbound said:


> I feel about the same way for now, but i guess everybody is different. I used to hear that people are in charge of their own happiness, and I didn't really get it, or I thought it was just a dumb psychological comment; however, I have come to understand it after my divorce.
> 
> I was not happy because I was married, nor am I happy because I'm divorced, I'm just happy. I don't really need a relationship to be happy, although I didn't know that in my 20s.
> 
> I often wonder how many people are actually unhappy being married and possibly don't even realize it. They married so young, that life is all they know.


The lesson that you cannot full responsibility for another person's happiness has been a very useful lesson. You should try, but it is not ultimately in your control. One thing to know it and another to appreciate it. People who do take full responsibility end up smug or depressed and neither are good.

The cliché is that people go into marriage naive and are shocked to find it is hard work. I do not think the is as normal as protrayed. We prepared well, but I worked hard to make her happy and to deserve the marriage, both of these were mistakes whereas efforts from love were not.

I also realise the truth of getting out of marriage what you put into it. I have put a huge amount in and have learnt a huge amount from it. I have learnt to be happy for its own sake without relying on external things (though how to do this is work in progress).


----------



## jaquen

southbound said:


> I feel about the same way for now, but i guess everybody is different. I used to hear that people are in charge of their own happiness, and I didn't really get it, or I thought it was just a dumb psychological comment; however, I have come to understand it after my divorce.


Such truth. Early in our marriage my wife was going through a difficult time of transition, in several ways. We both were. Early marriage can be rough, particularly when you're genuinely melding very different lives for the very first time. She wasn't feeling very happy in her life and was beginning to place the burden of her happiness on my shoulders. We were in the middle of a pretty deep discussion about what each of us was going through, and I said to her "Baby, I am not responsible for your happiness and you aren't mine." It took her aback. She even resisted the notion at first, because, of course, spouses are suppose to "make" the other person happy, right? That's how marriage is "suppose" to work, correct? But eventually she let it sink in and the truth hit home. She is responsible for her own happiness, just as I am. That really set the tone for us. It's an incredible weight lifted off, realizing that happiness is not something that you are responsible for giving to your partner.


----------



## Applejuice

jaquen said:


> I think you might be off on the wrong tangent.
> 
> Take a few more spins around this board, or if applicable, witness the wake of marital disasters that might be streaming through your own life. Marriage, as too many people define it, doesn't work out for a lot of people. Too many wed, prop up some idea of what marriage "should" look like, and set about trying to change themselves, and their spouses, in order to live up to that idea. Many marriages die at the altar of pretense, strangled for lack of individuality.
> 
> I love being married to my wife because our marriage fits us. She and I. We don't try and live up to someone else's idea of marriage, sacrificing our ourselves to a god of generic matrimonial normalcy. What we have works beautifully...for us, and us alone.
> 
> So as I take a look around at how so many others define "marriage", what it's "suppose" to be, I just find that my position over time has evolved. I no longer want to be married in general, as I once did long ago. I just want to be married to MY wife. And should she pass on before me, then I see no reason to try and strike oil twice.


No, I don't think my vectors were wrong, just my interpretation of the scenery.

I don't disagree with any of your points, you're far more qualified than I to discuss marriage since I've never been married but the reason I'm not married is, primarily, because I have no idea what 'utility' it provides besides state recognition (i.e. the voluntary invitation of state intrusion into a very personal arrangement).

I'm becoming increasingly familiar with the 'wake' of marital disasters described in these fora but I can't understand where this universal notion of marital 'normalcy' sprung from. I'm all for the retention of individuality within marriage. I accept that, in order for a 'healthy' marriage to blossom, some compromises are necessary and maybe, THAT should be the definition of marriage?

e.g. *marriage* noun

1. A mutual declaration of companionship wherein compromises are dynamically negotiated for reasons of personal and material expediency.

It may sound cold but at least it exempts 'marriage' as a concept from implicit or explicit, state or social preconditions/expectations.

I don't know, the concept still confuses me and it probably always will.


----------



## SepticChange

*Re: Re: Gentlemen, did you ever feel like you regretted getting married?*



SepticChange said:


> I don't regret being married. It sounds like some of you mainly regret marrying the person rather than marrying in general...
> 
> If he and I do split, I will have regretted marrying HIM, but not the fact that I chose to settle down at 23.


Joke's on me


----------



## 2ntnuf

SepticChange said:


> Joke's on me


Hang in there. Nothing is the same as it was for me. You can find a different happiness. It may even be better. Don't give up on yourself. 

I'm the exception to the rule, though. So, don't judge me too harshly. I have not moved forward quickly enough. I know it is possible, even likely in most cases. 

Keep your head up.


----------



## SepticChange

*Re: Re: Gentlemen, did you ever feel like you regretted getting married?*



2ntnuf said:


> Hang in there. Nothing is the same as it was for me. You can find a different happiness. It may even be better. Don't give up on yourself.
> 
> I'm the exception to the rule, though. So, don't judge me too harshly. I have not moved forward quickly enough. I know it is possible, even likely in most cases.
> 
> Keep your head up.


Thank you. Weird how so much can change in a year. I'm not moving on nearly as much as I thought I would but oh well


----------



## changedbeliefs

In retrospect, I can only say that I "think" that, overall, I would have been better off waiting. I never had a time in my life where I had no one to answer to. I wish I had spent some time traveling, meeting new people, new women, just experience different people, their interests, etc... Not lying, having sex with a few more people would be awesome, but it'd be more about just seeing what it's like to get to know people, people just like me, or totally different from me, or in between. None of this would be in order to put me anywhere different from where I am now, I don't believe in "everything happens for a reason" or "one plan for us" or any of that. I went through a very rough personal time, and caused a lot of damage, because I kinda rebelled against the notion that I never got that kind of time to myself. A few years after college on my own, in some new places, with new people, would have blown that out of my system. I guess there's a chance that doing so would mean, I maybe would be nowhere near where I am now, sure, that's just life, and it's pure hypothetical now. But if either of my kids came to me at 22 and said they wanted to get married, I'd surely discourage it.


----------



## BostonBruins32

I sort of regret getting married. I love my daughter, but I do not like the marriage. i'm not sure if it's the mismatch between my wife and I or just the institution of marriage. I cant phathom someone loving me as much as a family member does. Not that I want that kind of love from a marriage, but the unbreakable strength that my parents or siblings etc have for me is similar in strength to what I think a marriage is expected to be. The fact of the matter is, I do not believe there is a woman out there that could love me at a "marriage-worthy" strength. I may be soiled by my own marriage, but I just think in reality, theres no REAL soul mate for me.

Should something happen between us, I have no intention of marrying again.


----------



## treyvion

Mr The Other said:


> The lesson that you cannot full responsibility for another person's happiness has been a very useful lesson. You should try, but it is not ultimately in your control. One thing to know it and another to appreciate it. People who do take full responsibility end up smug or depressed and neither are good.
> 
> The cliché is that people go into marriage naive and are shocked to find it is hard work. I do not think the is as normal as protrayed. We prepared well, but I worked hard to make her happy and to deserve the marriage, both of these were mistakes whereas efforts from love were not.
> 
> I also realise the truth of getting out of marriage what you put into it. I have put a huge amount in and have learnt a huge amount from it. I have learnt to be happy for its own sake without relying on external things (though how to do this is work in progress).


People always potray that they are missing out on being "single" with all these friends, etc. See who you can count on when you need help moving, now all of a sudden you don't have a lot of friends.

Some married couples really like being around each other. They get along and don't see life any other way, they are actually happy together. So you can't knock them for not living the lifestyle you think is the optimal one.


----------



## ChargingCharlie

BostonBruins32 said:


> I sort of regret getting married. I love my daughter, but I do not like the marriage. i'm not sure if it's the mismatch between my wife and I or just the institution of marriage. I cant phathom someone loving me as much as a family member does. Not that I want that kind of love from a marriage, but the unbreakable strength that my parents or siblings etc have for me is similar in strength to what I think a marriage is expected to be. The fact of the matter is, I do not believe there is a woman out there that could love me at a "marriage-worthy" strength. I may be soiled by my own marriage, but I just think in reality, theres no REAL soul mate for me.
> 
> Should something happen between us, I have no intention of marrying again.


My feeling exactly. My kids are my world, but although DW has been much better with her attitude recently, I still don't like the marriage. Like BB, I don't really think there's a soul mate for me. I was single into my mid 30's (didn't even date), and seemed to live just fine.


----------



## hambone

I have never regretted being married to my current wife not one day.

Now, that first wife... I regretted EVERY single day!


----------



## Wolf1974

For me no. Marriage was one of the happiest periods of my life and I loved most of it. Just didn't marry someone who felt the same.


----------



## SepticChange

*Re: Re: Gentlemen, did you ever feel like you regretted getting married?*



Wolf1974 said:


> For me no. Marriage was one of the happiest periods of my life and I loved most of it. Just didn't marry someone who felt the same.


Me sentiments exactly even though we had rough patches.


----------



## jorgegene

I don't regret being married at all yet, but I do catch myself from time to time thinking about the simplicity of my bachelor days. 

Going out on the balcony every day and having time to myself just to think.

Going to the bars after work and just hanging out enjoying the atmosphere and watching sports.

Having weekends to myself and doing whatever I want and not having to be home.

But then I think about the loneliness that would creep in every now and then. That never happens anymore.

And I think about the dating 'game', that although it could be fun and thrilling, it was also a gigantic pain in the @ss and you'd never know what kind of mood gf would be in that day. She loves me, she love me not? That gets real old.

You trade a lot of good things for different good things.


----------



## michzz

Except for my two kids I regret my first marriage as being an incredible, tragic mistake made way too early in life.

I wasted decades in it. It's not being wistful for bachelor life, just picked the wrong woman. We were not on the same page at all. See, I thought marriage meant being faithful--my bad.

My new marriage this year? No regrets!


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## TruthHunter

I dont regret cohabitating and raising a family. What I do regret is getting the government involved in my personal relationship, via a legally binding marriage certificate, because this has allowed my wife to give up on our partnership, knowing that I have more to lose than she does. A wedding ceremony without the certificate would be better. That would give both partners more incentive to make an honest effort.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BostonBruins32

ChargingCharlie said:


> My feeling exactly. My kids are my world, but although DW has been much better with her attitude recently, I still don't like the marriage. Like BB, I don't really think there's a soul mate for me. I was single into my mid 30's (didn't even date), and seemed to live just fine.


Let me clarify. If I were not married, I would date. i just wouldnt sign the dotted line and I'm not even certain i'd move in with someone. 


If I became divorced, I would likely go on a rampage. A sl*tty rampage. After that i would cool down and just date casually.


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## Jellybeans

TruthHunter said:


> A wedding ceremony without the certificate would be better.


A commitment ceremony.


----------



## jaquen

jorgegene said:


> I don't regret being married at all yet, but I do catch myself from time to time thinking about the simplicity of my bachelor days.
> 
> Going out on the balcony every day and having time to myself just to think.
> 
> Going to the bars after work and just hanging out enjoying the atmosphere and watching sports.
> 
> Having weekends to myself and doing whatever I want and not having to be home.
> 
> You trade a lot of good things for different good things.


Do you guys have a lot of kids? If not, why can't you still have all of that and be married?


----------



## ChargingCharlie

jorgegene said:


> I don't regret being married at all yet, but I do catch myself from time to time thinking about the simplicity of my bachelor days.
> 
> Going out on the balcony every day and having time to myself just to think.
> 
> Going to the bars after work and just hanging out enjoying the atmosphere and watching sports.
> 
> Having weekends to myself and doing whatever I want and not having to be home.
> 
> But then I think about the loneliness that would creep in every now and then. That never happens anymore.
> 
> And I think about the dating 'game', that although it could be fun and thrilling, it was also a gigantic pain in the @ss and you'd never know what kind of mood gf would be in that day. She loves me, she love me not? That gets real old.
> 
> You trade a lot of good things for different good things.


Like you, I miss having time to myself and not having to tell someone where I am. I didn't date much before getting married, so not dating wouldn't be an issue (I went almost five years, from ages 29-34, without going on a date). That said, I do wonder about loneliness, especially into my later years (I'm late 40's now). What would I do if my friends are all married with kids and I'm the single guy? Imagine I wouldn't have a whole lot going on outside my job. 

I think I regret more who I married than getting married, and it took me about ten years to figure that out.


----------



## jaquen

Interesting. So the guys who feel like they've lost their alone time, chilling with friends, etc once married, did you guys not inform your wives from the get go that these things were important to you?


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## BostonBruins32

jaquen. i'll bite.

For years I got a cold shoulder or a passive aggressive "fine" when I said I was going out with friends, golfing with friends etc..

After a few years, I became sick of the cold shoulder and the attitude before going out. So I stopped. 

What I've never understood is that my wife wanted me to be independent. She wanted to be independent. "we have our own lives but come together after". that was her quote in MC. The problem is, I took a heavy amount of shiV for doing anything with my friends without her. So much so that it wasnt worth it. Yet she does and did stuff with her friends with nothing but encouragement from me (she admitted i was great about it during our MC sessions). It was a one way street.

So I lost a piece of who I am. I don't need to go boozin with my friends. I don't need to stay out late. I just hoped for no attitude. Instead I felt the wrath for 2 days before and 2 days after. After a while, I quit.

Until lately. now I just simply don't give two ****s.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

jaquen said:


> Such truth. Early in our marriage my wife was going through a difficult time of transition, in several ways. We both were. Early marriage can be rough, particularly when you're genuinely melding very different lives for the very first time. *She wasn't feeling very happy in her life and was beginning to place the burden of her happiness on my shoulders. We were in the middle of a pretty deep discussion about what each of us was going through, and I said to her "Baby, I am not responsible for your happiness and you aren't mine." It took her aback. She even resisted the notion at first, because, of course, spouses are suppose to "make" the other person happy, right? *That's how marriage is "suppose" to work, correct? But eventually she let it sink in and the truth hit home. She is responsible for her own happiness, just as I am. That really set the tone for us. It's an incredible weight lifted off, realizing that happiness is not something that you are responsible for giving to your partner.


Nice to see you Back jaquen ...

Your post was about "*being happy*" but I think this could play a factor in happiness.. if we EXPECT our partner to "*complete us*"... This link has the pages in the book comparing "Completing (not good) vs Complimenting each other (Healthy) .... ..

Completing vs Complimenting each other - Boundaries in Marriage - Google Books ...

I feel this would play in our happiness... how we should be marrying out of "strength" not weakness...as if we marry in our Incompleteness ...it can erode the "oneness"...it can cause many issues if one feels they have to carry the other.... 

It says..Complimenting is about bringing different perspectives , talents, abilities, experiences & other gifts to the relationship to build a partnership..

I always used to say My Husband "completed me"... but after reading this.. I think its fair to say we just compliment each other very much... we never had any rough spots in our marriage other than trying to conceive (and this was really an external issue, we were on the same page with it all those years)...

I still don't think I'd enjoy being single, I really Love to "compliment" another I guess.. THIS is part of my happiness.. I've just always felt " 2 is better than one" .....


----------



## Soma289

I don't regret being married at all, now that I'm with the right woman. But that's me. I'm not wired to be a single man for a long period of time. I get depressed and feel like something's missing. Yes, there are a few freedoms I've given up, but they are worth it, to me. So no, I don't regret it.


----------



## justaguy123

TruthHunter said:


> I dont regret cohabitating and raising a family. What I do regret is getting the government involved in my personal relationship, via a legally binding marriage certificate, because this has allowed my wife to give up on our partnership, knowing that I have more to lose than she does. A wedding ceremony without the certificate would be better. That would give both partners more incentive to make an honest effort.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This times a billion. Marriage should be outlawed.


----------



## 2xloser

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: 
you see my screen name :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## awake1

I regret marrying the woman I did, but that was more due to her cheating than any issue with marriage itself. 

If I knew at 20 what I know now, my life would be very different.


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## 4x4

I don't regret my choices in life. If I would have turned left instead of right one day I might have walked in front of a bus and be dead now.

I married a good woman who turned out to be LD/ND. I don't regret it, but I can't live with it much longer either.


----------



## changedbeliefs

The more I read on here, experience in my own life, the more I think it's a tale of two possibilities:

1) If I knew more of the inherent pitfalls of marriage - and I'm sorry, no one on this forum can deny that there are many - would i have even ventured into it?

OR

2) As is somewhat happening in my marriage now, KNOWING that some of this "crap," for lack of a better word, is NOT the fault of either party involved, can actually take the pressure off, so to speak. That is, I'm better at shrugging off things because "that's just how marriage is," and not attributing blame either to myself or my wife.

But even that is a Catch-22, because if you're going to say, effectively, "welp.....some stuff just sucks about marriage," you then are forced to decide, what is the BENEFIT to marriage that must be worth it. I'm sure there was a day, when a man didn't know how to cook, etc..., and a woman wasn't educated to have a career...right, we know how that works: the man earns the money, comes home to a household cared for, the old-fashioned way. That is much less the case now, but I still hear an awful lot of sentiments regarding marriage being for one's own needs. I've seen it here: people get married because "they hated the dating scene," because their spouse "puts up with them." I don't see a lot of people stating that they just "couldn't wait to take care of someone else."

If I knew then what I know now, and I think if I found the person that I am now, then...I think it's more likely I would not be married now.


----------



## jorgegene

jaquen said:


> Do you guys have a lot of kids? If not, why can't you still have all of that and be married?


For me, it's not a question of 'not being able to do those things', it's a choice.

1. it's important to for me to be with my wife every day. She has a very stressful job, works late and I come home every day rather than going out to be with her because she needs that.

2. I do those things I mentioned, it's just harder to do and less 
amounts of time to myself.

But notice, I said I don't regret it. It's my choice. It's my choice to be married. It's my choice to have less time to myself. It's my choice to be with her and not have the freedom to just be gone and not accountable.

So, not complaining at all. Only reminiscing about the simplicities of bachelorhood You can't have everything. You've got to pick and choose. I chose and have no regrets.

I only hope I feel the same 5 - 10 years down the road.


----------



## jaquen

changedbeliefs said:


> 1) If I knew more of the inherent pitfalls of marriage - and I'm sorry, no one on this forum can deny that there are many - would i have even ventured into it?



If you married right and build a marriage that's actually tailored to the two of you, then most of those "inherent pitfalls" cease to exist. 

Marriage is what two people decide it is. Too many married people don't create marriages that are unique to their individual needs.

If you need to believe that everybody who is married is dealing with a lot of "crap" and "pitfalls", so be it. Just know that this isn't always the case. There are those who genuinely love being married and don't see all these pitfalls.


----------



## homedepot

I just feel like everything in our world has changed. I believe that husbands and wives need to allow each other a hall pass from time to time to do what ever they desire for period of time. A big percentage of people on here (weather they admit it or not) has done some for of cheating weather is emotional or physical. Most get tired of the same thing for 10+ years. There are only a few ways to make the same dish. What do you do after that? 

Oh I also notice that the divorcee has a new aspect on life and knows what they want out of a relationship. Something I didn't know at 24.


----------



## awake1

homedepot said:


> I just feel like everything in our world has changed. I believe that husbands and wives need to allow each other a hall pass from time to time to do what ever they desire for period of time. A big percentage of people on here (weather they admit it or not) has done some for of cheating weather is emotional or physical. Most get tired of the same thing for 10+ years. There are only a few ways to make the same dish. What do you do after that?
> 
> Oh I also notice that the divorcee has a new aspect on life and knows what they want out of a relationship. Something I didn't know at 24.


If the open relationship is a 2 way street and both partners are ready for it, then hey, who's to judge. 

The problem though is cheating is done in cloak and dagger style, and that causes broken hearts and minds, not to mention turmoil for children and families in general.


----------



## Mr B

SepticChange said:


> Not the person you married but felt like marriage wasn't for you after all? In January my husband told me that he didn't feel right and wasn't sure that he wanted to be married anymore. Said it had nothing to do with me but just that he decided he missed doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Is this normal? We haven't been married two years yet. Or does he just want to live the single life again? He went as far as calling movers to stop by and see how much it would cost to ship his things back east. He slept through their call and soon decided that he was right where he wanted to be.
> 
> I'm confused. Was it just a phase? Or will it be a recurring thing? He's 25 and has already sowed his oats and was ready to settle down so I don't know what else he wanted. Have any other men in here felt this way at some point in their marriage?


Oh yeah I realized soon after the wedding that I'd made a terrible mistake and felt very trapped, especially sexually. I always say "marriage ruined my sex life"


----------



## Faithful Wife

Mr B said:


> Oh yeah I realized soon after the wedding that I'd made a terrible mistake and felt very trapped, especially sexually. I always say "marriage ruined my sex life"


Except you also say that you knew before you married her that you wouldn't want to continue having sex with her and that it has been your choice to have no sex for the past 20 years. :scratchhead:


----------



## Dazzle

your man is/was an immature prick girl!
In my marriage (23 Yrs) I often felt like leaving, but.....and I think like most men in that situation though it was tough, I had made the commitment and I would stick to it whatever.(Marriage has to be worked at)
What ended my marriage was my idiot wife buying into the feminist bull ****. IE. " Me Woman, I deserve more. His fault, his fault"


----------



## SepticChange

Joke's on me lol. 2 years later and I feel like a fool. 

Sorry, going back through old posts I made and just sort of watching myself and my life go downhill. What a journey it's been and it's still far from over. Oy vey..


----------



## Happilymarried25

SepticChange said:


> Joke's on me lol. 2 years later and I feel like a fool.
> 
> Sorry, going back through old posts I made and just sort of watching myself and my life go downhill. What a journey it's been and it's still far from over. Oy vey..


I take it he left you.


----------



## SepticChange

Happilymarried25 said:


> I take it he left you.


You guessed right...


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## 2ntnuf

I've found that there are ups and downs, but mostly downs. I'm not at the bottom, but very close. There is almost nothing, but up. Less than this and I will be living on the street. That's no joke. There was a point when I worked late at night and watched the saddest thing as I drove by on the way home. A man getting his dinner from a dumpster. It hit me that I might easily be there soon and I took note of what day and hour each week he was there. I also thought I'd have to fight an non-medicated mentally ill man to be able to eat. Life leaves plenty of folks behind. There are many forgotten. I have to remember to pray for them. There's not much more I can do. I'm a mess and don't go out unless I have to. There's your truth.


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## ShutOutbyWife

Yes. My wife has continually sent mixed messages, meaning that she has indicated a willingness & desire to be sexual with me, but later acts like she could care less about physical romance. She has a switch inside her that she very easily turns on and off at a moments notice. Only recently, she was about to give me some oral sex, but before she could start all of a sudden it's like that thought never came into her head and it was the appropriate time to do something else (she ended up cooking dinner instead). Sex went right out the window. Now, for the ladies edification; no, I didn't do or say anything to turn her off in that short moment. Also, I've accepted & had to live with a psycho wife all my life. At first, since the sex was fantastic I didn't mind the psycho aspect. But, now that she's much older, less attractive, has much less to offer in our relationship, it's gotten difficult to overlook her psycho fits she goes through every so often. It's quite distressing to live with a woman that never communicates honestly & completely. Bait and switch. She baited me long ago. Now, she's switched to caring less about sex. I don't like it when she calls me a pervert when I express I want to fool around with her.


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