# Being without her makes me happy



## Tweakster2k (Aug 19, 2010)

Even though we're still together, the thought of breaking up my marriage makes me feel like Andy Dufresne escaping from Shawshank. One of the only reasons I can't get myself to leave is because of guilt, another might be convenience. I feel like this is my punishment for my infidelity.

During our first year of marriage, I cheated on my wife and ultimately had plans on leaving the relationship. I felt like I married for all the wrong reasons and to the wrong person. I think the reason I cheated was basically to bring her back down to earth.

Before marrying me, my wife and her friends were known as 'those mean girls from high school.' You know the ones, the popular snobby brats who'd laugh if you fell and broke your arm in front of them while others rushed you help. Now she's the type of woman who *****es out cashiers who take too long bagging her groceries. But for that reason, I was perfect for her. I didn't want qualms with anyone and I could better sympathize with people than she could.

There was this lead up into me cheating which started roughly 4 months into the relationship when I found out she sent pictures to her ex (I assumed it was her ex) of herself in lingerie. I was livid and I told her we needed to go to counseling, so we did. I believe she stopped after that incident but it put a bomb in my head that later exploded.

After 8 months of fighting, I decided if I was going to step out, it would be for good. We went as far as filling out all the divorce papers but some how pulled back to make the relationship work. This honestly feels like the biggest mistake of my life because every since that she's used it as her ultimate weapon against me. The end-all, be-all to any discussion, conversation, whatever that makes her feel uncomfortable.

It's been 4 years and many sessions of counseling since the incident and I'm still living in the shadows of what I did. I don't bring up what she did because it's like a pair of 2's to a royal flush. I've spent 4 years bending over backwards to rebuild a bridge I destroyed on purpose. On one hand I feel like I deserve it, the other hand I feel like I've been dragged through the mud long enough.

Maybe I'm just depressed. If so, how do I stop it?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I had a counselor once say that if you have one foot in the past, and one foot in the future, you're pissing on today. i think that fits your situation perfectly. 

You sound really bitter and vengeful. You say you cheated to bring her back down to earth. Is this the kind of person you want to be? She might be a real b*tch, but it sounds like you're not much better. That's the thing with revenge; in everyone else's eyes you just end up being the jerk. It never works out they way you think it should. 

Get a grip on who you want to be and change your attitude. You didnt bring her back down to earth with your plot and the only life you've ruined is your own. Figure out what you can do to change you today.


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## Tweakster2k (Aug 19, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I had a counselor once say that if you have one foot in the past, and one foot in the future, you're pissing on today. i think that fits your situation perfectly.
> 
> You sound really bitter and vengeful. You say you cheated to bring her back down to earth. Is this the kind of person you want to be? She might be a real b*tch, but it sounds like you're not much better. That's the thing with revenge; in everyone else's eyes you just end up being the jerk. It never works out they way you think it should.
> 
> Get a grip on who you want to be and change your attitude. You didnt bring her back down to earth with your plot and the only life you've ruined is your own. Figure out what you can do to change you today.


Trust me, I'm more than ready to move beyond all of that but I had to put those things in the OP just to try to get as many sides and I could to the story. But yeah, I think you're right about the bitter and vengeful. I held a lot of resentment due to constant fighting about things I no longer can change. I can't change the fact that I cheated. I wish I could but I can't.

Now, divorce is the common denominator of nearly all big arguments and I simply don't care anymore. I mean, am I supposed to go through the reassuring her I won't cheat for the rest of my life? 

We both agree that we're not financially ready to end things now but when are you really ever ready? I just don't know how people make it last for 15-20 years. There's just no way I could do this again.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

you know my H lived in the shadows of what he did for at least three years. he still gets a taste of my bitterness every so often. 

the thing is, its complicated because you cant really fully apologize to her. you are attempting it, but because of the resentment you hold, the excuses you hang on to, all your attempts at apologizing are half-hearted. Im not saying there's anything wrong with that, she messed up too, but i am saying that no real change will happen until one of you really lets go of the resentment and takes full responsibility for what you did. i highly doubt its going to be her.

that might not even save the marriage. but that's not really the point. the point is to learn to be a better person. this is about you, not the marriage. you will try at a relationship again, and you will run into the same problems. you have to learn how to fix your side of it so you can have a healthy relationship some day. she may never come around. but use her as a proxy to learn to let go and be a better person- get rid of the resentment and sincerely apologize. not for her. for you.


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