# Counseling question



## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Wife is using the MC we went to, without success, for her IC. My question is shouldn’t she be using someone that is more impartial?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Uselessmale said:


> Wife is using the MC we went to, without success, for her IC. My question is shouldn’t she be using someone that is more impartial?


When people choose counselor's they tend to find/pick a person who tells them what they want to hear instead of impartial and maybe being told what they don't want to hear.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Uselessmale said:


> Wife is using the MC we went to, without success, for her IC. My question is shouldn’t she be using someone that is more impartial?


If it was MC first, then IC, that's OK as long as you're not still doing MC. What you can't do is go the opposite direction, use one person's IC as your MC.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Uselessmale said:


> Wife is using the MC we went to, without success, for her IC. My question is shouldn’t she be using someone that is more impartial?




Yes. Counsellors in UK usually never take on MC and IC from the same couple. I know, because I went through it. Unless they are desperate for clients.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Laurentium said:


> If it was MC first, then IC, that's OK as long as you're not still doing MC. What you can't do is go the opposite direction, use one person's IC as your MC.


I would agree.

My counselor threw in with my wife. It was the last session.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> I would agree.
> 
> My counselor threw in with my wife. It was the last session.



That’s what I felt, according to them I am not trying, don’t care about the relationship, my mental problems area due my ****ty upbringing.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Uselessmale said:


> Wife is using the MC we went to, without success, for her IC. My question is shouldn’t she be using someone that is more impartial?


Trained counselors know how to be impartial.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Uselessmale said:


> That’s what I felt, according to them I am not trying, don’t care about the relationship, my mental problems area due my ****ty upbringing.


Was this a specialist MC, or were you using a "general purpose" counsellor for MC? (Which can cause exactly this problem). 



Dustydog said:


> Trained counselors know how to be impartial.


Well, trained MCs do. ICs don't usually have to handle that problem, since they are used to having only one person in front of them!


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Was an lmfc , but I felt uncomfortable with her from the beginning. I don’t know why. Later it seemed she sided with my wife, or maybe I really am crazy and don’t realize it. 🤪😳🤔


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Uselessmale said:


> according to them I am not trying, don’t care about the relationship, my mental problems area due my ****ty upbringing.


I think the perpetuation of your problems will be due to some ****ty counseling. An adult person's mental problems are a CHOICE, and a good counselor would be bringing SOLUTIONS to the table, instead of pop-shot platitudes, which are mainly spouted to keep clients coming back and shelling out more money.

The motive judgments have no place here. The counselor cannot know whether you are "trying", and if you "don't care" about the relationship, you would not be coming to counseling sessions. 

Your counselor should not be blaming your past for your current problems. This is leading you astray from the direction which will bring you out of your problems. It is your actions and thoughts in the PRESENT which cause you to continue in the "problem" state.

Even though you had a "****ty upbringing", today is not yesterday. You have no responsibility to "report" to those who gave you a ****ty upbringing. TODAY you can make other choices for how you will act, and how you will think, and what you will believe.

YOU must rethink whether what you were taught is "right", or "wrong". If it is "right", then continue to espouse it. If it is "wrong", then reject it, and replace it with "right".



Uselessmale said:


> Later it seemed she sided with my wife, or maybe I really am crazy and don’t realize it.


Based upon the motive judgments you received from the counselor, I think you are NOT crazy, you DO realize it, and you are 100% correct that your counselor is "siding" with your wife.

Blow this counselor off, and find a REAL one. Let your wife pay for this worthless tripe which satisfies her itching ears.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

DustyDog said:


> Trained counselors know how to be impartial.


I am sorry, but this is completely untrue in a huge number of circumstances. 

They are all trained to be impartial, but the vast majority are not that way. Many are feminists, which there is nothing wrong with, except when the "man hating" creeps into the session and advice. 

Not that all fems are man haters, but may in that field are. 

It is truly difficult to find a good consoler that is 1) Good, 2) not biased, 3) actually honest with you about your issues...

This has been my experience...


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Uselessmale said:


> Wife is using *the MC we went to, without success*, for her IC. My question is shouldn’t she be using someone that is more impartial?


Forget impartial (just because your MC was unsuccessful doesn't mean there was partial treatment). It seems to me, thought, that the other major concern is that that counselor has already proven unsuccessful. It doesn't make any sense to keep going on with someone with whom you already have a track record of failure.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

My wife and MC seemed to always be in agreement. My responses to questions were usually wrong or inadequate. Got to the point where all I could say was “I don’t know”. In the last session she told me there was no more to offer me, and turned to my wife and told her she was available for IC if she wanted.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Uselessmale said:


> My wife and MC seemed to always be in agreement. My responses to questions were usually wrong or inadequate. Got to the point where all I could say was “I don’t know”. In the last session she told me there was no more to offer me, and turned to my wife and told her she was available for IC if she wanted.


That is indeed unfortunate. A good counselor would have much more to offer you. Judging by what you got, your wife will not likely get any help.

I sure wouldn't waste any more time or money on this one.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> It is truly difficult to find a good consoler that is 1) Good, 2) not biased, 3) actually honest with you about your issues...
> 
> This has been my experience...


Yep. Mine too..... The worst thing about it is that you don't know until you spend time and money on them, and you need a counselor because there is a current problem. Like a doctor. You find out after you're dead that he wasn't a good doctor.

My wife just spent a year on one counselor. She is not a damn bit better than the day she started, but will tell anybody how "wonderful" this lady was, she was "so caring" and "such a good listener".....

Thankfully, she found a group meeting in a local church. She is now getting ANSWERS, not "listening"....


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Uselessmale said:


> My wife and MC seemed to always be in agreement. My responses to questions were usually wrong or inadequate. Got to the point where all I could say was “I don’t know”. In the last session she told me there was no more to offer me, and turned to my wife and told her she was available for IC if she wanted.


Perfect example of what I was talking about. 

No matter how inept @Uselessmale 's answers were, there was not reason to gang up on him. Even if he was a complete moron, which he does not seem to be here, the therapist should have worked to facilitate communication and been real, at the very least. 

Here is a story that I have told a couple of times...

When my Ex had her second affair, we went to a therapist. THE FIRST THING out of HER mouth was...

Well, let's not talk about the past.

If it had been a male therapist, I would have punched him in the mouth, since it was a female, I got up and left and also left my ExW there as well...


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