# Is she cheating???



## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Been married nine years - together 12. Two small kids. She initiated divorced beginning of March - said I had become emotionally disconnected and that she had tried to pull me back - but that she had gotten to the point where she felt she could not do it anymore. There is some truth to that. I believe she does feel hurt.

We lost our first child at birth in 2008. It changed us in many subtle ways. I know it made me put up emotional barriers - just trying to protect myself.

Anyway, since she started the proceedings - I've been working very hard to "find" myself again. I have been largely successful and feel closer to who I used to be than I have been in ages. 

I have been a better husband and father and everything else - she acknowledges it - but it has done nothing to change her mind. Yes - we've kind of gone in fits and starts - sometimes she is charging forward - then there are times she seems unsure.

We've been getting along okay - actually not bad at all. Spending time together. 

Anyway, the other day a message popped up on her phone from a guy and it had a very suggestive tone to it. She was out of the room - but I saw it. It appeared to be from one of her clients (she is a hair stylist). I let it go - but it ate up at me. I just never would have thought she would fool around behind my back before the papers were signed.

I finally could not take it anymore. Her phone was out and I looked and there was a fairly long message string. I feel like crap for looking - that said - she has gone through my phone before. I left it home one day and she went through my phone looking for evidence that I was fooling around (this was before she asked to split up) and then once after we split up she saw some messages (she said she just came upon them while helping the kids with my iPad) where I said some kind of mean things about her (there is a back story about that).

The message string only goes back to the beginning of June. He contacts her - asks her if her divorce is still going on - she responds yes (enthusiastically). There is some talk about something happening between them - I took it to be a singular event - where something was happening but one or both of them froze up. He was kind of checking in with her to see if they were still cool - she played it off as not a big deal - she said something like this is weird for both of us (he is also apparently recently divorced).

There is a lot of banter about getting a haircut - he at one point makes a reference to a "naughty" haircut and she says she is always up for something naughty. A little later he asks if it will be a normal haircut or a naked haircut and she says it's probably not a good time of the month for a naked haircut.

She asks to meet him for drinks several times - seems like he is always busy. She apparently had plans to have dinner and drinks with him this past Friday (she had told me she had plans to have dinner with a friend) - but it fell through.

She mentions she ran into a woman (must have been his ex) while out. He asks if she remembered her.

It's just a very flirtatious, suggestive message string. The only thing that might be a smoking gun - I guess - is the early stuff about him apologizing for what happened and freezing up and getting weird and so on.

I would NEVER have suspected this.

I know where we are headed - but the papers have not been signed and I see this - if it is true - as the ultimate betrayal. We have both been in relationships where we have been cheated on in the past - we both know how devastating it is.

What do I do????

I think I have to confront her. I need to hear it from her mouth. We're getting divorced anyway. I know she will be upset. I know she will be defensive. She will accuse me of invading her privacy (which she has done to me before). She will try and spin it around on me.

My soul is clean, however. I have never cheated in any manner and even now - I have walked the straight line and would never have considered doing anything until we were final and some time has passed.

We have two small kids!!

The hard part is that we are still living together - we had talked about "nesting" but it never came to pass because she could never find anyone to take her in on her nights. Her sister and her friend both backed out on her - and now I'm wondering if they knew something was going on. I know a lot of people don't support her actions - but it was always framed like "they don't understand why I'm not fighting harder" and again - I wonder if there was more going on that people knew or suspected.

As it is written up right now - and we have a copy of the draft of the settlement agreement - we get pretty much a 50/50 split of everything (including the kids). I get the house as long as I can refinance.

I'll admit - I'm scared to confront her because 1) I will have to admit I snooped and 2) because her defense mechanism is to get mad and I just want to get out of this as clean as possible right now.

That said - I can't continue living with her if she is carrying on with someone else behind my back. 

What do you all think? What do I do? My god, I wish I'd never seen the original text message...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ignorance is bliss isn't it? Regardless no way back now -

Hasten the divorce and kick the tramp out. I don't accept anyone I don't trust under the same roof but that's just me.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Is she cheating.....yes probably. But she will never see it that way...so don't bother. Your divorcing, she has detached from you...her mind is telling her that you are no longer her mate, therefore she is free to do as she pleases

Does it matter....in the big picture...not really, your divorcing right?

If you aren't sure about the divorce...than have your lawyer slow it down a bit..

There are 2 schools of thought...there is the 180 (look it up on the forum)...it is effective at getting a reset in the way your spouse looks at you. 

Then there is the try to woo get back school. I have never heard if this working....ever. 

It sucks you had to see the message...but, even though the light of the truth can burn our eyes and hearts...it's always better than the dark. 

Way back when she went through your phone and iPad...that was probably when SHE started with the other man or men. 

Stay strong
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

she filed in March, and in June she is receptive to a guy hitting on her...

sounds like she's done with the marriage and is making plans to move on with a new person. You should probably do the same since the paperwork will be done soon.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye, it's over. The two of you are finished except for the legalities.

Personally I would consider it laughable if you start going up to her and accusing her of cheating now. Sure she broke your trust but just kick her out and get the divorce over and done with. She's done.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I've had several hundred at least haircuts in my life, and none of them was 'naked'. Not good time of month?
I'd say that's a very smoking gun. Barrel still hot. Smoke coming from barrel is still visible.
YES, your STBXW is cheating. And as lousy as it is seeing all that crappy stuff, count yourself lucky.
You saw it. Now you know. As far as confronting. I'm not sure. what good could it do?
You know, brother. YOU KNOW.

you are leaving a cheater.

very sorry. I've been there. I feel your pain.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

What to say? At this point you are both heading into D, and from the sound of your post, your W have already given up on your marrige. I would say be strong and cool headed. What happend, happend.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Lila said:


> @milltown01 I am so very sorry to hear that you and your wife were not able to patch things up. I read and posted to some of your earlier threads but it looks like things didn't work out. I know that it's difficult to accept but be proud that you made a conscious effort to repair your marriage.
> 
> As to your question about cheating....You said that you and your wife have an amicable living arrangement. Regardless of whether your wife is seeing other men now or not, it sounds like you two will be legally divorced soon. If by "soon" you mean 6 months to a year down the road, then I would advise you to have a formal separation agreement drawn up where you and she decide on whether to allow "dating". If soon means within a couple of months then I would tell you not to bring up the text messages. They will only cause your last few months living together to be a miserable experience.


...as in we received the first draft of the final settlement yesterday and we have to look it over and make sure it's what we want. It then gets formally drafted and we ask for a date to finalize. So, yeah - a month?

I did make an honest attempt to work this out. I found myself again - which is good.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Aye, it's over. The two of you are finished except for the legalities.
> 
> Personally I would consider it laughable if you start going up to her and accusing her of cheating now. Sure she broke your trust but just kick her out and get the divorce over and done with. She's done.


If the ink was dry and there were not two kids involved I would show her the door tonight...


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

ReidWright said:


> she filed in March, and in June she is receptive to a guy hitting on her...
> 
> sounds like she's done with the marriage and is making plans to move on with a new person. You should probably do the same since the paperwork will be done soon.


I will - the difference being I will wait until the paperwork is finalized before I make any moves of my own. Call me naive or old-fashioned - but we're still legally married at this point. Up until this point it was two good people who suffered a bad loss (our daughter) and then lost one another. I don't know when this started. The message string only went back to the beginning of June. I don't know what is beyond that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

milltown01 said:


> If the ink was dry and there were not two kids involved I would show her the door tonight...


Ex and I split our households relatively quickly despite our daughter. It's difficult when it comes to children but it's an inevitability that simply can't be avoided. Get it over and done with.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Ex and I split our households relatively quickly despite our daughter. It's difficult when it comes to children but it's an inevitability that simply can't be avoided. Get it over and done with.


It pretty much is done. Everything is essentially split. Paperwork just needs approval from both of us. 

If it's going to end - it's going to end - just didn't need this little kicker thrown in on top of that.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

milltown let me offer you a little advice.

Sit your wife down. Tell her what you know.

Let her know you understand she is done with the marriage and you.

But tell her you are disappointed in her the way she is already carrying on with someone else before the divorce is finalized.

Ask her to show you the courtesy that you are showing her.

Remind her that even though you will no longer be husband and wife in a month or so that you will be Mom, Dad and hopefully successful coparents that work together to make sure the kids turn out alright.

Then stop right there. Ask her if she understands you loud and clear.

You two need boundaries no matter if you are together, divorced or coparenting.

Never let a spouse or Ex think they are getting something over you.

Be strong and confident. 

You found yourself and that is a major accomplishment. Let her know that you have found yourself and hopefully your next partner will be the "one" that brings you the ultimate happiness in life.

HM


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She still has an obligation to treat you with some respect. Sit her down and tell her you suspect she is already making plans with another man, and that even though you cannot stop her or control her, you still need her to show you some respect by not flaunting her new-found freedom in your face. The two of you need to write down some ground rules for this divorce, on how you will conduct yourselves in terms of living in the same house, co-parenting with the kids, and seeing other people. She can date other men and be discreet about it...same with you and other women.

P.S. Like happy Said above ^^^^^


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If the agreement plan says you get the house, why is she still there?

Tell her that if she's going to start dating other men, she leaves immediately.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Are naked haircuts considered "dating" these days?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Doesn't sound as if it's gone too far yet.
The incident may have been him springing a boner as she leaned over him. 
It happens, they both laugh it off, and flirt from there.

You don't know me, but if you ever read my posts, you'll see I have zero tolerance in most cases, so let it go. You work the 180, and be the best dad you can be.
You guys are done, same yourself the drama.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

milltown01 said:


> Been married nine years - together 12. Two small kids. She initiated divorced beginning of March - said I had become emotionally disconnected and that she had tried to pull me back - but that she had gotten to the point where she felt she could not do it anymore. There is some truth to that. I believe she does feel hurt.
> 
> We lost our first child at birth in 2008. It changed us in many subtle ways. I know it made me put up emotional barriers - just trying to protect myself.
> 
> ...


* Transfer the dialogue to either your cell phone or to your PC then print it off for her when you confront her with it! And keep yourself a copy to present to legal counsel later!

Sorry to say, but all that you are to her now is nothing more than a "Plan B" just in case that all of those naked haircuts she's been doling out doesn't continue to work out for her!

"180" her skanky a$$, and get yourself to your lawyers office and file for D on her unrepentant cheating ass! And go after child custody as well as you wouldn't want those naked haircuts to, in any way, interfere with her child rearing responsibilities!


Also get tested for the presence of any STD's that giving or getting one of those haircuts might expose you to!*


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

happyman64 said:


> Are naked haircuts considered "dating" these days?


Thank you! I needed a laugh!!

On a serious note - I never got a naked haircut in the 12 years I've known her and I'm a pretty adventurous guy!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

happyman64 said:


> milltown let me offer you a little advice.
> 
> Sit your wife down. Tell her what you know.
> 
> ...


This is excellent advice!


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

marduk said:


> If the agreement plan says you get the house, why is she still there?
> 
> Tell her that if she's going to start dating other men, she leaves immediately.


An interesting question!

We had discussed "nesting" months ago - where we put together a placement schedule and on her nights she stays home with the kids and I sleep elsewhere - and on my nights she stays somewhere else.

The big hurdle is that she has nowhere to go. My mom and dad live a mile down the road so I always had a place. I could have stayed with my uncle who lives close by. My sister and brother-in-law would have welcomed me in, too.

She had nobody.

She originally was going to stay with her sister - but that fell through - and why - I don't know. I know her sister is not on the same page with her about this divorce and I know there were a lot of questions asked and apparently they were not answered in a satisfactory manner.

She then was going to stay with our mutual friends (the husband is my best friend - but he's known her for a long time and is almost like a brother to her). That blew up. She went over there on Saturday afternoon and they both lit into her - used some harsh words. I've been trying to get in touch with my buddy because maybe he knows more than he's been allowed to say (he has been trying to be fair to both of us) - but I haven't talked with him, yet.

Finally, she had another friend lined up and plans were made to start the process again on Memorial Day - she then goes out with friends on the following Saturday and then Sunday morning it's suddenly I think it would be best for the kids if we just stayed together until this was final.

It turns out that friend also backed out on her - and I have no clue why.

She has a lot of friends (and co-workers) who are not fully in her corner - and I've always wondered why.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Here's something interesting:

I'm taking the kids into the salon today for haircuts.

Don't worry, they will be getting the non-naked type of haircut! 

I think I'm pimping myself up a bit before I go. I mentioned that I've been working on the inner stuff - but I've been working on the outer stuff, too. Been eating well - down to 166 pounds - which is nearly my high school weight. I've been dressing better. I'm going to walk into that salon bursting with confidence!

I'm actually very humble - but I'm not a bad looking dude. I take care of how I look. I'm 38 - but I'm still a bit of a hipster. This other dude kind of looks like a yutz (through some easy deduction work I found his FB page).

I know she doesn't have the full support of her co-workers - so yeah - I can put on the false confidence and walk in and act like everything is okay.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

milltown01 said:


> An interesting question!
> 
> She had nobody.


Not your problem.

You didn't initiate this divorce.

You didn't start flirting with someone else. She did.

"Soon to be ex wife, you have until X date to be gone. You're really cramping my single life."

If she won't leave, sell the house.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She's definitely cheating. Go ahead with the divorce but I WOULD NOT confront her or tell her you know or even ask about it. I would definiely would bring it up to your lawyer. It may make a difference in the custody arrangments if the judge knows she's a cheater. Continue to collect evidence that she is a cheater. Anything you have that makes your case against her stronger will be beneficial to you.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

If this is your BEST FRIEND, then have a real talk with him to see if he does know something.

Explain you kinda understand if his wife told him to mind his own biz, but if you knew his wife was stepping out, wouldn't he want you to tell him.
You may also explain you aw some txt's on her phone from a guy, that may be why she is wanting this D.

If it was me, buh bye Bit#h. You don't want me, well hell, I don't beg and I don't lower myself trying to win 1 back.
They all have a v, so it's easy to come by.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Not being a smartas, just feel, " been there, done her ", and her morning breath is a killer.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

happyman64 said:


> milltown let me offer you a little advice.
> 
> Sit your wife down. Tell her what you know.
> 
> ...


Good advice, man!

I think I know what I'm going to do. If she wants to sit down and go over the draft of the settlement agreement tonight - we will do that.

I'll then drop my bomb: "So, our son had your phone the other day..." and when I have her attention I'll simply say "Who is T** J******?" 

I'll let her have the opportunity to answer truthfully - but I will then dole out my cards one by one as needed.

I just want the truth. I resent being taken for a fool. I resent that she feels whatever she is doing is something she needs to hide.

I have been her whipping boy for too long. The blame has been tossed at my feet and I have taken it and taken it and taken it.

Let me tell you all a story: a couple of weeks after she kicked me to the curb I come home on a Friday night and she announces she's going out. She doesn't say where or with whom - she's just going out. It was an obvious display of showing some independence and I will admit I took it hard. It hurt and it freaked me out. She kept asking me if I was okay with it and I said yeah - even if I really wasn't.

She goes out and I put the kids to bed and then I text my youngest sister and we get a bit snarky. Again, I was dealing from a place of deep hurt and pain and anger. Nothing bad was said - basically we poked a little fun and because my sister is also a hairstylist I asked her to cut my hair because my wife never seemed to be able to give me a hip enough style. I vented and was done and she was home really early.

She went out the next night with friends and I'm lying in bed and she comes tearing home early - REALLY ANGRY with me. She won't tell me why - just keeps saying I know what I did.

It turned out she had somehow happened across my messages to my sister - she was "helping" the kids with the iPad when she saw them but "only read a few" which is probably BS. I did not handle it the best way possible - tried to cover my behind - denied saying anything bad - but when she confronted me with specifics I had to admit I had said some unfriendly things. 

This is still held over my head. On Friday night (when she was home instead of out with this dude) she brought that up again and had the nerve to tell me if I had just been honest with her that one time it could have changed everything. 

I have been beaten up again and again about how she cannot trust me and so on.

So - I give her the chance to come clean and if she's honest - great. I will say I know it's over between us but it hurts that you couldn't wait until we were actually "divorced" divorced first.

Did I mention that she has time and time again accused me of being unfaithful? She has many times - going as far as to call me a liar when I've tried to plead my innocence.

I left my phone home one day shortly before she pulled the plug on us and she went through my entire phone looking for evidence of my misdeeds! 

The more I think about it - the more I feel like I simply have to confront her. She's been on her high horse - she's accused me of things I never, ever would do. I'm not perfect - but I would never consider starting a relationship until the other one was legally over.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Lila said:


> @milltown01, you mentioned in the OP that you get the house as long as you can refinance. Have you started that process yet? The quicker you get these items checked off your list, the quicker you can get moving on with your life.
> 
> ETA: Would you have to sell the house if you can't get refinancing?


We would - but I'm already well into the process. Just waiting on an appraisal. The house is written into the settlement. The lender doesn't see an issue with me being approved. We've basically just been waiting on the marriage settlement agreement being on file - which is what they need.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

OldWolf57 said:


> If this is your BEST FRIEND, then have a real talk with him to see if he does know something.
> 
> Explain you kinda understand if his wife told him to mind his own biz, but if you knew his wife was stepping out, wouldn't he want you to tell him.
> You may also explain you aw some txt's on her phone from a guy, that may be why she is wanting this D.
> ...


If I could get in touch with him today I would! He's a firefighter so one four days - off four days - and then he works two other part time jobs on his days off. I would LOVE to talk with him today - if I could just get him on the line!


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> She's definitely cheating. Go ahead with the divorce but I WOULD NOT confront her or tell her you know or even ask about it. I would definiely would bring it up to your lawyer. It may make a difference in the custody arrangments if the judge knows she's a cheater. Continue to collect evidence that she is a cheater. Anything you have that makes your case against her stronger will be beneficial to you.


The divorce is almost final. Everything is already written up and pretty much split 50/50.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Hey, I NEVER say, don't tear them a new one if you have the chance.
Just make sure the agreement is signed first. LOL.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

milltown01 said:


> Good advice, man!
> 
> I think I know what I'm going to do. If she wants to sit down and go over the draft of the settlement agreement tonight - we will do that.
> 
> ...


I urge you NOT to tell her. Use this in divorce court not as a bomb for now, which will get you absolutely nowhere. If she finds out you were snopping in her phone, she can use that on you. Now you can use the fact she went through your phone and is cheating.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You want the news you know, to hit her hard. That way she has no come back.
You then can blast her about the cheating all the while blaming you, and nothing she say will change how you feel.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I hope you know that most cheaters are the first to accuse. That may explain the friends refusing her.
They may know way more than you know, but now that she is D'ing you, won't support her in this.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> I urge you NOT to tell her. Use this in divorce court not as a bomb for now, which will get you absolutely nowhere. If she finds out you were snopping in her phone, she can use that on you. Now you can use the fact she went through your phone and is cheating.


The thing is - there is not going to be divorce court. We have gone the mediated route. We sat down and came up with the terms - very amicable - her lawyer acted as the scribe. We received the draft of the settlement yesterday. My side will look it over and if it looks good we will have the final settlement drawn up and submitted to the court and we will sign and go our separate ways.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

OldWolf57 said:


> I hope you know that most cheaters are the first to accuse. That may explain the friends refusing her.
> They may know way more than you know, but now that she is D'ing you, won't support her in this.


She has accused me plenty and yes - I think there are people who know more than I do about what is going on with her...


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

This may not be her first rodeo, but no one wanted to say anything. feeling it may breakup your marriage.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

If it looks good to you, get it recorded, then blast her. And I mean with everything, from her swollen ankles to the cobwebs needing foundation, lol.

As you can see, NOTHING is off limits to me if I'm after your butt.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

milltown01 said:


> The thing is - there is not going to be divorce court. We have gone the mediated route. We sat down and came up with the terms - very amicable - her lawyer acted as the scribe. We received the draft of the settlement yesterday. My side will look it over and if it looks good we will have the final settlement drawn up and submitted to the court and we will sign and go our separate ways.


Why are you going amicable?? It would be much to your advantage to drag her through the mud with your evidence she's cheating. Men are taken advantage enough as it is in a divorce without you helping her like this. I bet this is th reason she wants to go amiciable, since if you find out what she is doing, the tide will turn quickly on her. Your choice, but I would definitely reconsider. If it were me, any woman who divorces me is getting her ass dragged through the mud.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

He has no evidence she's done anything yet. All he has is a txt's flirting.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Why are you going amicable?? It would be much to your advantage to drag her through the mud with your evidence she's cheating. Men are taken advantage enough as it is in a divorce without you helping her like this. I bet this is th reason she wants to go amiciable, since if you find out what she is doing, the tide will turn quickly on her. Your choice, but I would definitely reconsider. If it were me, any woman who divorces me is getting her ass dragged through the mud.


For the kids and because I honestly thought we were two good people who had a really bad thing happen to us (we lost our daughter) and then we drifted apart. It happens a lot, apparently.

We felt that if we did it amicably we could keep it as peaceful for the kids as possible (who are 3 and 5).

It was actually my choice. Very early on we had a truly ugly fight - it got very personal and as I was lying bed trying to sleep it struck me that we're already going to be hurting our kids - but we're going to hurt them a lot more if we get into a knock-down dragged-out fight.

I told her the next morning that if we were going to do this - we were going to do it amicably.

Suspecting what I suspect now - and if there were not two small kids involved - I'd try and drag her through the mud - but even if what I suspect is true - I will still swallow my pride and finish it the way we started because our kids deserve at least one parent to put them first.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

OldWolf57 said:


> He has no evidence she's done anything yet. All he has is a txt's flirting.


Yup.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

milltown01 said:


> Thank you! I needed a laugh!!
> 
> On a serious note - I never got a naked haircut in the 12 years I've known her and I'm a pretty adventurous guy!


That is what I figured milltown.

And that is why you should put her in her place.

She is free to do whatever she wants. Just not as your wife.

And I bet when the emotions clear you will realize she hasn't acted like your wife in a while.

Keep being you.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Be strong brother, you can do this.
Believe me, your chance will come, and you can unload on her butt.

Her friends and co-workers may have seen this developing between them, that's why the asking for D in March and the txt's starting in June.
She may have said something to him about them saying something, so he laying low.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And for what its worth I do think your wife is going to have some regrets.

You might too.

But people have to grow. 

Sadly, when a divorce happens people grow apart. Some grow up and some make really bad decisions.

If you put your childrens welfare first then I think you eventually find your center and what makes you happy.

Hopefully, your wife will grow up. Learn to respect you and not harbor the resentment she built up towards you.

Never allow the disrespect. Never allow her to accuse you of wrongdoings. 

And agree to the same conditions that you want for each other so that you can coparent and be a unified front for your kids.

That is what I call amicable.

HM


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

At this stage, you want a recorded agreement, and her exposed after.
Emotions will cloud your judgement, so detach with the 180 and bide your time to blow her out of the water.

I've gone years, before I was able to get even. I know most people say move and forget, I do move on, I know my chance will come, and I always balance the scales.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

I want to add this into evidence. We're sitting down eating dinner on Wednesday night and she gets a call on her cell that she doesn't take. When she sees who it is - she says it is one of her friends and gets up and walks outside because the kids make too much noise. She NEVER does that. She comes back in a few minutes later and it is clear she is talking to the friend - but curious that her dinner plans were cancelled for the following Friday night. I wonder if the guy was calling which is why she took it outside and then came back in talking to the other friend to cover her tracks.

She never, ever steps outside to talk on the phone. That seemed fishy when it happened and it made me suspicious and now with everything today - it adds up to something really rotten.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

It's long past time for her to go. Why are you still eating with this slag?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I don't get it man.

Your divorce is almost final. So how can she be cheating on you? You're done. 

What she is doing is disrespecting you. 

Why? Because you allow it. 

Why is she there? Why are you eating dinner together? Why do you give a **** who she is talking to?

Get her out of the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

marduk said:


> I don't get it man.
> 
> Your divorce is almost final. So how can she be cheating on you? You're done.
> 
> ...


I'm getting behind this more and more. I agree it's not cheating - but it is disrespectful. I think I want to hold off confronting her until the papers are final (which should be soon). I want the refinance signed and then I want to bring it out into the open. Until then she gets the modified 180...

I'll keep you all posted.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I think you should follow Happyman's advice here.

Sit her down and put it straight to her that while she is living there, still legally M to you, it is bullsh*t to be carrying on an A.

She ends it immediately until the D is finalized or she can get the h*ll out of the house....you will not tolerate her engaging in an A in front of her kids, abandoning them in what must be the most stressful time of their lives to go out and screw around with this POS.

The kids need both parents to be trying to make this trauma as easy as possible, and she is going MIA on a regular basis to go f*ck around with this scumbag.

But before confronting....GET A HOLD OF YOUR BUDDY....and ask him what's going on after informing him you have found out about her communicating with POS.

My bet is you are going to find out that the reason she filed and you were unable to save the M with her is that this has been going on with POS for awhile....heck it might even be the reason for POSOM's D.

Also, definitely spruce yourself up before taking your kids to the salon.

Then be friendly and bantering with her co-workers, but ignore her completely.

And if she complains about this when you talk with her, tell her you are not her friend at all anymore....you are not friends with a person who is running around with POS behind your and the kids back before the D is even finalized.

Based on the snooping and accusations she has done to you, this woman definitely needs to get pulled down off her high horse and given a little taste of reality.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

milltown01 said:


> I will - the difference being I will wait until the paperwork is finalized before I make any moves of my own. Call me naive or old-fashioned - but we're still legally married at this point. Up until this point it was two good people who suffered a bad loss (our daughter) and then lost one another. I don't know when this started. The message string only went back to the beginning of June. I don't know what is beyond that.


If you were the one wanting the divorce and met someone you might see it from her point of view-- that the marriage has been over for awhile now. 

The difference is, that in your mind, you still think you are getting back together, so this is actually good for you to be aware of-- youre likely not getting back together so start making yourself awesome and the side effect will be an upgrade at wife down the line a bit.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

I guess I don't understand your timeline. In a post last night you "reached out" to her sister to find a way to communicate your continued love for your wife. Did you find these flirty texts after you "reached out"? Before? If before, why did you have the conversation with your sister-in-law? Doesn't make any sense.

A few weeks ago your wrote a lament about both of you being in a fog trying to find each other. You posted the text of the lament on the Going Through Divorce or Separation board. Did you give this to her? What was her response?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Just ask her point blank if her kids Mom's reputation means more to them than either the naked haircuts she's been giving or the cheap piece of a$$ that she's recently been getting!

That'll close her "pie hole!"*


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Dyokemm said:


> I think you should follow Happyman's advice here.
> 
> Sit her down and put it straight to her that while she is living there, still legally M to you, it is bullsh*t to be carrying on an A.
> 
> ...


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

milltown01 said:


> I will - the difference being I will wait until the paperwork is finalized before I make any moves of my own. Call me naive or old-fashioned - but we're still legally married at this point. Up until this point it was two good people* who suffered a bad loss (our daughter) and then lost one another. * I don't know when this started. The message string only went back to the beginning of June. I don't know what is beyond that.


You're not being naive, just twisting the circumstances to meet your own narrative of why this has gone down.

Of all the myraid of reasons except the plain old obvious, she met someone, now she wants out.

Her reasons might be stuff you've done but she's bit her lip and held back. You can only deal with the reality is it is now. Then just maybe you have a small shot at saving this but only if you bring the hammer down and not try to nice or reason out with her.

Right now you're just an obstacle to her path to happiness as she sees it with OM. Remove yourself as that obstacle but make sure you put a large barrier up behind so there's no u-turning in case this thing with OM crashes and burns.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Technically cheating, but you are near to divorced so let it go.

First thing I thought from her coworkers reaction is not her first affair or it's been "get a room" stage for longer than June.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Can you check phone records before June?

From everything you've said, I agree with others that this isn't her first rodeo.

Call his ex and see what her version of the divorce is.

I hope his problem was ED!


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

milltown01 said:


> Good advice, man!
> 
> I think I know what I'm going to do. If she wants to sit down and go over the draft of the settlement agreement tonight - we will do that.
> 
> ...


Yeah...thats called Bull-$hit. 

I am sorry for the pain you are going through...But do you really want another 10 or 20 years of this kind of manipulation??

You can and will do soooo very much better.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Absurdist said:


> I guess I don't understand your timeline. In a post last night you "reached out" to her sister to find a way to communicate your continued love for your wife. Did you find these flirty texts after you "reached out"? Before? If before, why did you have the conversation with your sister-in-law? Doesn't make any sense.
> 
> A few weeks ago your wrote a lament about both of you being in a fog trying to find each other. You posted the text of the lament on the Going Through Divorce or Separation board. Did you give this to her? What was her response?


You following me?

Yeah, I gave it to her - she said it summed things up pretty well but nothing further was said.

Honestly, we had been getting along well. I thought reaching out to someone in her family might - and I stress might - have been an idea. Call it a last ditch effort...but...

....then I find this BS and maybe now I realize it's not worth the effort. She's not worth my effort.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> Yeah...thats called Bull-$hit.
> 
> I am sorry for the pain you are going through...But do you really want another 10 or 20 years of this kind of manipulation??
> 
> You can and will do soooo very much better.


No...I guess I do not and yes - I will do better. Completely agree on the BS level of that comment, too!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I say you keep her in fantasy land and get what you can out of the D.

Confronting her is only if you want to save the marriage, other wise play her game and as long as the affair fog keeps her mind off of what she is giving up keep your mouth shut.

IDK how much bull crap she throws in your face ....but with some inner strength and you can smile on the inside knowing she the phucked up one and you are the decent one in all this.

If you confront her she just might want to phuck with you in the D......but then again I'm not the guy that has to listen to her bull shyt when it comes to how shytty you are and how good she is!

Dude just distance your self from her crap keep a smile on your face and get what you can from the divorce.

Face it it's common knowledge she is screwing around so exposure is out of the question.

So really what is there to save by confronting ....except more money and assets for you after the D.


After the divorce you can smile tell her you knew all a long and for what its worth happy with the out come of the D and happy she is T** problem now....Ya when the time comes use his name it added to the effect...LOL
Most likely by the time the D is finalized she will be with a diifferent guy...but it does let her know how long you have know that she has been screwing around.

Until then lay low !


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At the end of the day brother ..in your old ladies head...you cheated, and your a POS.
She found new love and you can't compete with that.
I just don't see confronting her making things better.

Right now she is playing nice and is doing a half @ss attampt in hiding this from you...confronting just might make her throw this affair in your face as she no longer "tries" to hide the affair.

Again I say play the player and get what you can while she is in fantasyland.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just so you know...if you wanted to save this M i would of had a different approach. But for now stay dark, document youe comings and going, it might give you a better deal on custody when she start to spend more time with T** and less with the kids. (more money in your pocket if you can get 10-20 % more custody).

See shyt like this makes the wayward go off the rails and before the D you got it documented that your old lady ain't even coming home at night 4 out of 7 day of the week....

In short prepare your self she will get worse!!!!

Sincerly
the guy
with the cheating wife


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Think about this...
Stay quiet, document and gather evidence of alianation of affaction and abandonment...and by the end of July when you can no longer bear witness to the shyt she is doing to the kids you can then confront her by showing your documentation you will show to your lawyer if she doesn't start acting like a mom.( lets face it she is now willing to leave the family dinner table to talk to her lover. In a months time she won't even bet home at the dinner table))

In short wait and see how bad she gets and when you can't take any more bull crap. Until then gather and wait.

Right now you have nothing saying she deserve less custody then you...but wait, that will change...and then you can have an effective confrontation to at least get her acting like a mother again when she gets the shyt scared out of her that you have proof she is an unfit mother.

BTW, don't give me any shyt about her being a good mom, #1 good moms don't phuck over the family unit this way and #2 I have been there and she will drink away the guilt and want to screw her new soul mate....the kids will be the furthest thing from her mind....trust be...you will see.

She is no longer the wife or the *mother* you once knew. At the end of the day you didn't think she would cheat...what makes you think this new POS won't be more important then her kids?

Again I think you should hold your cards close until you really need them.


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## confusedinTX (May 9, 2008)

You can listen to all the advise here but what is going to boil down to is this. What is the best thing for you? If confronting her will either help bring closure to the situation or you think might get things to change do it. Will it help or harm you? A hard question for sure and I know because it is one I deal with daily. I am married to a sex addict and just found the full range of his acting out in October. I feel he loves me and I love him though I wish I didn't so we are attempting to work on it. For you if you want to make one last effort there is nothing wrong with that. At least then you know you did what you could and even if you fail you tried. Gotta live with yourself and all the rest of us can do is offer our own clouded view. Lots of people think I am nuts for trying but I like you have two little girls to think about and a 15 year investment in my marriage. Figure out what is best for you and that is your answer. Good luck because I know how much it sucks.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

confusedinTX said:


> You can listen to all the advise here but what is going to boil down to is this. What is the best thing for you? If confronting her will either help bring closure to the situation or you think might get things to change do it. Will it help or harm you? A hard question for sure and I know because it is one I deal with daily. I am married to a sex addict and just found the full range of his acting out in October. I feel he loves me and I love him though I wish I didn't so we are attempting to work on it. For you if you want to make one last effort there is nothing wrong with that. At least then you know you did what you could and even if you fail you tried. Gotta live with yourself and all the rest of us can do is offer our own clouded view. Lots of people think I am nuts for trying but I like you have two little girls to think about and a 15 year investment in my marriage. Figure out what is best for you and that is your answer. Good luck because I know how much it sucks.


From one nut to another nut, I agree. 

Years ago me and you had this forum to help us through,(granted it was tiny compared to these days) and in the end it is our choice to weed thru and make our own choices.

Thread jack over


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jb02157 said:


> Why are you going amicable?? It would be much to your advantage to drag her through the mud with your evidence she's cheating. Men are taken advantage enough as it is in a divorce without you helping her like this. I bet this is th reason she wants to go amiciable, since if you find out what she is doing, the tide will turn quickly on her. Your choice, but I would definitely reconsider.


There is zero proof of adultery. Flirtying, while hurtful, is not adultery.

In most states the court does not care if either of them cheated. 

She and he would most likely get the same settlement even if he did try to make the divorce a war and drag her through the mud.

But the lawyers? OH they would get a lot of money from both of them. So each of them would be paying a large chunk of their settlement on their lawyers.



jb02157 said:


> If it were me, any woman who divorces me is getting her ass dragged through the mud.


So you have a lot of money to burn?


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> There is zero proof of adultery. Flirtying, while hurtful, is not adultery.
> 
> In most states the court does not care if either of them cheated.
> 
> ...


Not only this, but what OP really needs to do is FORGET the ex wife-- and yes you should call her this now-- and what she is doing. The obsession with piddly little details is going to continue to prevent you from moving forward with YOUR life. 

She has already moved on. That is why you are getting divorced. She is living HER life. 

When are you going to start living yours? 

I do not understand all these posts about gathering evidence and how to confront, etc.

It doesn't matter. The night is dark and she is not with you. That is all.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Run my frined and dont look back.
Do you really want this to continue,have her as your wife after she get f....d and have her nights out,live like 20 year old and not like MOTHER OF 2 kids and WIFE ?????



Run Forest RUN


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Who was it that played his wife's fog hardcore and scored a full D in like two months with her having zero input? Even he was surprised when the decree arrived in the mail like a month before expected.

Damn. Cant remember.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> I urge you NOT to tell her. Use this in divorce court not as a bomb for now, which will get you absolutely nowhere. If she finds out you were snopping in her phone, she can use that on you. Now you can use the fact she went through your phone and is cheating.


If you live in a no fault state, and most are these days, affair, phone snooping, or whatever will have NO direct influence on the result.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Why are you going amicable?? It would be much to your advantage to drag her through the mud with your evidence she's cheating. Men are taken advantage enough as it is in a divorce without you helping her like this. I bet this is th reason she wants to go amiciable, since if you find out what she is doing, the tide will turn quickly on her. Your choice, but I would definitely reconsider. If it were me, any woman who divorces me is getting her ass dragged through the mud.


And what is gained by that except for a very large lawyer bill?

He needs to get this over with so that he can get on with his life. And there is no need to leave a legal record for his children to find in the future. She will still be their mother no matter what.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

OldWolf57 said:


> At this stage, you want a recorded agreement, and her exposed after.
> Emotions will cloud your judgement, so detach with the 180 and bide your time to blow her out of the water.
> 
> I've gone years, before I was able to get even. I know most people say move and forget, I do move on, I know my chance will come, and I always balance the scales.


They will still be in contact after the divorce. They are parents of two very young children. They need to be able to communicate openly and honestly.

And of course SHE already knows what she did. She doesn't need her husband to tell her! He is the one with the questions.

I'd wait until everything is signed and sealed and then sit down with her for a quiet talk. That's when I'd bring up the phone messages. Let her know that it will make co-parenting much easier if you knew the truth.

No shouting, no scenes, just a quiet conversation.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

milltown01 said:


> I'm getting behind this more and more. I agree it's not cheating - but it is disrespectful. I think I want to hold off confronting her until the papers are final (which should be soon). I want the refinance signed and then I want to bring it out into the open. Until then she gets the modified 180...
> 
> I'll keep you all posted.


Just remember that you are going to have to deal with her concerning the children on an almost daily basis while they are this young.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Morcoll said:


> Not only this, but what OP really needs to do is FORGET the ex wife-- and yes you should call her this now-- and what she is doing. The obsession with piddly little details is going to continue to prevent you from moving forward with YOUR life.
> 
> She has already moved on. That is why you are getting divorced. She is living HER life.
> 
> ...


Excellent points, but she will be with him until their youngest child hits the legal age. That's probably the better part of the next 20 years. It is in his interest and his children's interest to keep things civil between them. That doesn't preclude his asking her for details as long as he can keep it from becoming a shouting match.

Many folks don't seem to understand that they are doing a collaborative divorce without lawyers. In a collaborative, a mediator meets with both of them in an effort to mediate any differences. When everything is decided and signed, the papers are filed with the court and if the judge approves (and any mandatory state waiting period finished) the divorce is finalized.

Bringing all the marriage garbage into the middle of this will mean collaboration will not work and that lawyers will be needed. And that's tons of money.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I understand Syd. I'm saying he tell her afterwards that he know about him, so now he understand her wanting gone.

From the friends reaction, this is no surprise to them. They seem to know something he don't.
In fact, she seems to be rushing it before someone says something to him. So he needs to rush it too.
After it's all over he can just say, they deserve each other and nothing more, while looking at her like she is sh#t on his shoe before walking away.

He don't have to get into name calling, or listen to her try to lie her way pass it.
By looking at her like that, and just walking away, will do more damage than any names he could call her.
Cause you and we all know she don't want HIM of all people thinking of her that way.
He will leave her wondering how much and how long he has known. 
She will start to think maybe it wasn't so much her wanting out, but him ejecting her butt.

Giving her a " whatever " an walking will do his talking.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

I saw that you have also posted your story over on Loveshack.

There you posted that your WW was just recently 'going off' on your buddy and accusing him of cheating on his W many times over the past years....was very bitter with him.

Have you managed to get a hold of him to find out what is going on?

You said over there that your buddy and his W immediately took your side when your WW went to them.

I would bet money that based on their reaction AND how your WW has acted towards them, that they know A LOT more about what has been happening.

And my bet is that they know it was going on WAY before WW filed for D.

There is no reason for buddy/W and your WW to react the way they have if this 'relationship' with POSOM was something new that just started after she filed for D.

You say this couple has been close to you for years, in fact that buddy had introduced you and WW 12 years ago.

My bet is WW confessed her A to buddy's W...and when WW came looking to stay, buddy's W let her husband know what was going on....he then told her to get lost because he knew it was the result of her cheating on you.

And WW has gone crazy on them because she knows they can expose the A to you finally.

Just my .02

Get in touch with your friend ASAP....I bet it gives you all the info you are missing to make sense of this situation.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

sidney2718 said:


> Excellent points, but she will be with him until their youngest child hits the legal age. That's probably the better part of the next 20 years. It is in his interest and his children's interest to keep things civil between them. That doesn't preclude his asking her for details as long as he can keep it from becoming a shouting match.
> 
> Many folks don't seem to understand that they are doing a collaborative divorce without lawyers. In a collaborative, a mediator meets with both of them in an effort to mediate any differences. When everything is decided and signed, the papers are filed with the court and if the judge approves (and any mandatory state waiting period finished) the divorce is finalized.
> 
> Bringing all the marriage garbage into the middle of this will mean collaboration will not work and that lawyers will be needed. And that's tons of money.


You're assuming people will behave rationally.

I think this whole divorce she's wanting may be the result of an emotional affair. Those can be fixed. Possibly a physical affair. Some of those can be fixed to. Op said he didn't want a divorce. He can play his cards or fold.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Dyokemm said:


> OP,
> 
> I saw that you have also posted your story over on Loveshack.
> 
> ...


I spoke with him on Tuesday night and he was completely shocked. He had/has no idea what is going on.

I should clarify a few points.

The thing with her friends - she has maintained that they have been shying away from her. She says they don't understand why she isn't fighting to make her marriage work - and she is upset because they don't understand how hard she tried to make it work until she got to the point that she gave up.

I know it's over. I have tried and tried and tried to do what I felt was needed to earn a second chance and we're still headed down the same path.

I'm doing my best to accept that and I've been making plans to move forward without her.

That said - it isn't easy and suspecting that something else is up just feels like getting kicked while you're down.

I thought I would at least escape with the dignity of knowing that we were two good people who suffered a horrible loss (when we lost our daughter) and then gradually grew apart. It happens a lot with the loss of a child.

We did go through several periods where it felt like we were maybe moving towards one another again - but then she would pull back.

I think I've decided NOT to say anything for the time being because really - what do I have to go on? Some ambiguous text messages? She could easily brush off every single one and then I would look like the paranoid crock pot.

We're stuck together on several levels. We're stuck together until the papers are finalized at which point I can refinance the house and get her off of the mortgage and then she can get her own place and we're also going to have to be co-parents for the rest of our lives.

I still might mention something after everything is final. I think trust is important and yes - she's moving on - but in my opinion (and I know some of you will disagree) it feels like she's sneaking around and I think it makes me not trust her - especially if this has been going on for awhile.

It's just a bad situation that has gotten a bit more crummy. I wish we could have just gotten through this transition period without something like this coming up - but it did.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

milltown,

I understand your decision.

And I agree with you that she is sneaking around.

Personally, I think it is most likely that the reason she has rejected your attempts to save the M is because she has been involved in an A with this POS from BEFORE she filed.

I have read SO MANY threads on TAM, and other boards, where your scenario is played out like a script.

Issues in the M, BS tries for months to reconnect only to find their WS constantly pulling back or not responding, only to finally demand a separation or D.

BS then discovers inappropriate texts and evidence of WS sneaking around....and they always find it was going on BEFORE the D filing during the period when they were working hard to save the M.

There have been only one or two cases that I can remember where it WASN'T an A after all.

And sometimes I have read threads where the BS themselves refuses to believe that there really is a POS AP....arguing with posters who suggest it and defending their WS as someone who would just never do that....only to eventually come back with a post saying, "You all were right, he/she was cheating".

Like I said, it's almost a script.

This may not matter to you any more, but if there is still a part of you that would somehow want to save your M and keep your family intact...the ONLY way you could do it would be to destroy the A.

To do that you would have to find the evidence of it and expose it far and wide.

I would really be surprised if your situation is different than the others that have followed a similar pattern.

Your WW is trying to skate out of the M with her A hidden so she can then introduce her new bf to her friends, family, and children with no one the wiser to who and what he is...the POS who cheated with her and undermined your M and family.

Maybe you do not care enough anymore to fight for the M....that's understandable....I would kick a cheater to the curb so fast her head would spin personally.

But I would also never let a WW escape exposure for what she had done....especially to bring the POSOM around friends, family, and my kids without EVERYONE knowing just who he really is.

No way would I sit back and watch her tell my kids that this POS is a nice guy mom just happened to meet.

But...that's me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would do anything in my power to break up an affair and keep the affair partner away from my kids.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I would do anything in my power to break up an affair and keep the affair partner away from my kids."

Absolutely.....to h*ll with that POS.

And if I was ever in that situation, I would make da*n sure my kids knew EXACTLY who and what he was if my exWW tried to have a relationship with him.

Few things disgust me more that when a WS tries to get the kids to play loving family with the POS AP who just helped destroy their families and childhood.

My kids (were I in this situation) would be well aware of who he was...and that they didn't have to give one ounce of care or respect to the scumbag if they didn't want to.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Hmmm...so we still don't KNOW what she has or has not done, other than texting some guy. 

Woman initiates divorce in March-- appears likely checked out of marriage awhile ago, walk away wife, ILYBINILWY speech possibly-- then soon to be ex husband sees texts on her phone between her and another guy 2-3 months AFTER she files for divorce. 

I guess I don't necessarily see her as this evil person at this point. Unless something was going on BEFORE that caused the D; which is pure speculation. Many people DO walk away from marriages and then meet new people before the D is actually final. I know I was meeting people after my wife decided she wanted out, and frankly unless there is something going on here where the OP was led on by his wife-- in that they were getting back together-- he should probably think about meeting new people too. Because it appears she has and just sitting back and obsessing over her is going to make this harder.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Morcoll said:


> Hmmm...so we still don't KNOW what she has or has not done, other than texting some guy.
> 
> Woman initiates divorce in March-- appears likely checked out of marriage awhile ago, walk away wife, ILYBINILWY speech possibly-- then soon to be ex husband sees texts on her phone between her and another guy 2-3 months AFTER she files for divorce.
> 
> I guess I don't necessarily see her as this evil person at this point. Unless something was going on BEFORE that caused the D; which is pure speculation. Many people DO walk away from marriages and then meet new people before the D is actually final. I know I was meeting people after my wife decided she wanted out, and frankly unless there is something going on here where the OP was led on by his wife-- in that they were getting back together-- he should probably think about meeting new people too. Because it appears she has and just sitting back and obsessing over her is going to make this harder.


I need to be clear that she tried to save our marriage. She most definitely tried. She stood up on the mountaintop and yelled at me: "I don't like the way this is going" and "I'm feeling really disconnected from you" and "This is going to end badly" and stuff like that.

To my discredit I didn't follow through when I needed to follow through. One of the last times it was brought up was in January. She told me she was really getting upset. She told me to set up a date night. She had even pre-arranged a babysitter - all I had to do was pick the night and make the call. I didn't do it.

She is convinced I checked out. She feels that I coped with the loss of our daughter by depending on anti-anxiety/depression medication that "gonked" me out.

I'm guilty of not hearing her like she needed to be heard. I truly believe I made her feel unwanted and unloved and unworthy.

In my defense - I thought I was doing enough. I was giving everything had to be the best father and husband and provider I could be - leaving nothing for myself. I really thought this was a phase in life couples went through - you have small kids and your life gets put on hold. 

Also - we both definitely changed when we lost our daughter. I know I became very closed up emotionally.

All of this said - while I can understand why she took me to the wall in March - I cannot understand why she simply threw me over and didn't give me a chance to show her who I could be. She immediately rushed into the divorce proceedings and since then her actions have been hot and cold: periods where she was moving quickly and cold and distant towards me and periods where she backed off and we were getting along.

I know she has known this guy for quite awhile as he is a client at her salon. I have no idea if anything has ever happened between them. I can speculate all I want - but all I have are some ambiguous text messages. Yes - she wanted to meet him for drinks and dinner on Friday (which sounds darned fishy to me) - but he bailed and as my best friend said - even if you confronted her with that she could just say he's going through something similar and we were just getting together to talk about it.

I know our deal is going to be done very soon - but the thing is - even if she only started messing around with his guy a month ago - I'm forever going to look at her differently - and I think that is tragic. All we had to do was get thru this intact and then we could move on.

I've thought about "what next" quite a bit. It's been VERY LONELY over the past three months - but I would never, ever consider seeing anyone until the ink was dry and we were both living apart. Call me old fashioned - but I do live by a certain set of morals.

It's just adding another layer to this tragedy.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Ok, so along with all the other stuff, you judge her. Frankly, she has not done anything wrong. Sour grapes is all I am hearing from you. "call me old fashioned"

Well, shucks. She filed for divorce and started meeting other people. How is she cheating? 

Oh, and not doing that date night thing when she made it so easy for you...very very weak. Don't ever let that happen again.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Dyokemm said:


> "I would do anything in my power to break up an affair and keep the affair partner away from my kids."
> 
> Absolutely.....to h*ll with that POS.
> 
> ...


You make an interesting point. As I just mentioned in another reply - I live by a fairly strong moral code. If I ever had proof that this guy was with my wife BEFORE the ink was dry I would be extremely mad and I would make it clear that I didn't want him around my kids. If I found out there was more going on I'd make sure more people knew about it - including her socially Conservative mom and dad.

That said - I really don't have proof of anything - just a lot of speculation in my already fevered and paranoid brain. 

I will ask her about it once the papers have been filed. If she wants to give me an honest answer - great. If not, I'll have to live with it.

The thing is - she's not the kind of person who would do this. We both came out of relationships where we had our hearts stomped on.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

"not the type of person who would do this". More judging. Consider yourselves NOT TOGETHER any longer when she tells you it is over and then moves on and starts talking to other men. Sitting on your high horse is getting you nowhere.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Morcoll said:


> Ok, so along with all the other stuff, you judge her. Frankly, she has not done anything wrong. Sour grapes is all I am hearing from you. "call me old fashioned"
> 
> Well, shucks. She filed for divorce and started meeting other people. How is she cheating?
> 
> Oh, and not doing that date night thing when she made it so easy for you...very very weak. Don't ever let that happen again.


I deserve it, man. I did not follow through - but I followed through on a lot. 

We lost a child and we both changed. I'm only giving you what I did wrong because that is the only part I can own. She wasn't perfect, either. We both screwed up and failed to listen to one another's needs.

I was never not there for her - just not there for her in the way she was looking for, I guess. I honestly tried - thought I was giving everything I had.

I think about that lost date night a lot and yeah - I messed up. I should have done it. I should have listened. I can beat myself up forever...but please don't get the idea that she was a long suffering wife who had a husband who simply did not care.

I cared as much for her as I could. I really tried.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Morcoll said:


> "not the type of person who would do this". More judging. Consider yourselves NOT TOGETHER any longer when she tells you it is over and then moves on and starts talking to other men. Sitting on your high horse is getting you nowhere.


I'm saying she isn't the type of person who would do something like this - saying I doubt she's doing anything shady.

Look, throughout this whole ordeal I've nary said a negative word about her.


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