# 5 years since I found out and it's all fresh again today



## ljigair (Jan 30, 2016)

5 years ago I found two short videos, and a lot of detailed sexting, of my wife having sex with some random guy she met in a chat room. From what I could piece together he singled her out and worked her for months to groom her to met him. I confronted her and she denied denied denied until I showed her the video of her face with a penis in her mouth that clearly was not mine. We came very close to divorce the papers were drawn. She broke off the affair immediately, that same day I confronted her. Just before the papers were signed she asked if we could try. I do believe this is over. She had agreed to leave the marriage with nothing, no money no property and her bills for CC. My problem? I can't forgetthe movie that runs in my head on a continuous loop. To make matters worse today I found an email file of the two videos I honestly thought were permanently deleted.

She had been completely brutally honest about all details I've asked, except she won't tell me his name.

Seeing those videos I'd like it just happened. I'm so depressed. My question should I tell my wifei found them? Or suck it up and deal with it?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Her not revealing his name to me indicates a lack of remorse because she is still protecting her POSOM. You can't have a sucessful reconciliation this way.

I would tell her you found the videos, why should you have to suck it up? Have you attended counseling together? 

Sorry you find yourself here.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

If it were me, I wouldn't tell her. Assuming she has been faithful since d-day, it wont do any good but open old wounds. Assuming you have decided to stay with her.

if it were me, I would go off somewhere and brood in silence. 
But you're not me, so deal with it the best you can.

I was where you are at some years ago. But I was luckier. I never found the sordid details. It was up to my imagination to torture myself with the mind images of God only knows what she did with him; them.

Try to keep your chin up friend.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Kristin does raise a goid point. She shouldnt be protecting her AP.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

ljigair said:


> 5 years ago I found two short videos, and a lot of detailed sexting, of my wife having sex with some random guy she met in a chat room. From what I could piece together he singled her out and worked her for months to groom her to met him. I confronted her and she denied denied denied until I showed her the video of her face with a penis in her mouth that clearly was not mine. We came very close to divorce the papers were drawn. She broke off the affair immediately, that same day I confronted her. Just before the papers were signed she asked if we could try. I do believe this is over. She had agreed to leave the marriage with nothing, no money no property and her bills for CC. My problem? I can't forgetthe movie that runs in my head on a continuous loop. To make matters worse today I found an email file of the two videos I honestly thought were permanently deleted.
> 
> She had been completely brutally honest about all details I've asked, *except she won't tell me his name.*
> 
> Seeing those videos I'd like it just happened. I'm so depressed. My question should I tell my wifei found them? Or suck it up and deal with it?


Then that should be the thing you tell her she has to give you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tell her!

She has to face the consequences just like you do for her bad choices.

Her choices will forever effect you....she may as well join in with the pain she has caused.


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## ljigair (Jan 30, 2016)

She had always said 1.) She did not know his last name only that the name her game was Erik and; 2.) If she did know she would not eagle to tell me because she is afraid what I might do and does not want me in trouble. 

She takes full responsibility and has gone out of her way to make sure I have full access to everything electronic and never goes anywhere that I don't know where she is or what she is doing, her choice not mine. buti also know she was depressed at the time due to recovering from a spinal cord injury that she never came to terms with and had convinced herself I didn't love her anymore. We did some counseling and the counselor believed this was the case.

Seeing those again was a kick in the guts. I'm sure she will notice a change in me. I wear my emotions on my sleeve if I'm upset at someone I can't hide it well. We've been together dating and marriage a total of 30 years now.


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## ljigair (Jan 30, 2016)

Sorry about the typos in a little upset tonight


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

ljigair said:


> 5 years ago I found two short videos, and a lot of detailed sexting, of my wife having sex with some random guy she met in a chat room. From what I could piece together he singled her out and worked her for months to groom her to met him. I confronted her and she denied denied denied until I showed her the video of her face with a penis in her mouth that clearly was not mine. We came very close to divorce the papers were drawn. She broke off the affair immediately, that same day I confronted her. Just before the papers were signed she asked if we could try. I do believe this is over. She had agreed to leave the marriage with nothing, no money no property and her bills for CC. My problem? I can't forgetthe movie that runs in my head on a continuous loop. To make matters worse today I found an email file of the two videos I honestly thought were permanently deleted.
> 
> She had been completely brutally honest about all details I've asked, except she won't tell me his name.
> 
> Seeing those videos I'd like it just happened. I'm so depressed. My question should I tell my wifei found them? Or suck it up and deal with it?


Have you been to counselling as you need professional help after 5 years

I'm very sorry, no one should have to watch that


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sorry, but there's no way I'd have been able to even entertain the notion of reconciliation w/o knowing the guy's full name.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I'm not buying that she doesn't know his last name, she is protecting him. If she has his cell phone number or e-mail his full name and address can be had for free or less than $5.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

There is no excuse for not telling you

Please get counselling for your sanity


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Don't care if it's been 5 years or 50 years. You want the name- you get the name. Protecting him is a no no.

And don't let any therapists blame her depression for her affair. 

Seeing her on video like that? Not something I could ever forgive or forget. Props to you for trying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think you need counselling.

Morituri of TAM fame went through a similar experience, though from what he said the video was longer and more detailed. 

He said that NLP sessions helped him and I think you will need to take a look at this as an option.

As for your wife not knowing his last name?

A vile person who inhabits chatrooms in order to snare married women? He isn't going to give them his real first name or his real last name. In case husbands come after him.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

You don't need counseling. You need a set of divorce papers in her hand, and my guess is his name will come to her very quickly.

If she REFUSES to help you find out who this guy is, then you do not really know if she has stopped her affair because you have no idea who he is. You could be running into him daily for all you know.

You may think you are reconciled but this crap about being afraid of what you would do means he probably knives close to you and you may even know him.

If he was thousands of miles away, what is she afraid you would do


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## ljigair (Jan 30, 2016)

No I don't know him, I saw a photo of him on her phone one of several naked pix they shared as well as videos of each other masturbating. Pix of her sucking his **** in a car you get the idea.


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## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

The fact that she is more concerned about protecting him rather than giving you what you need to achieve closure says a lot about her priorities. Go full D unless you really think you can live with it without it constantly eating you up from the inside....most guys couldn't. Prayers to you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Welcome back, @morituri.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

As MattMatt said, I also found a video of my ex-wife (married 10 years) having sex with another man. I left her and never looked back. Not of out of lack of love but because I needed to heal from the trauma.

I'd wish I could tell you what to do, but please consider your wellbeing FIRST. She certainly didn't of yours, so you have to take matters into your own hands and do what you must to recover. With or without her.

Lastly consider a counselor specializing in therapies for traumatic stress disorder. I availed myself of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and it was worth its weight in gold.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Wow, and I thought mind movies were bad 12 yrs later. You got to see very recent ACTUAL movies. I don't know how you can deal with this. Good luck!


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Your story is why I left my fiancee of 5 years when I found out she was cheating. I could forgive but never forget and life is too short to be worrying every time my wife works late, goes out shopping for hours or is away on a business trip. I left her immediately. Yet I am in a non monogamous marriage. You have videos and I have mental images of my wife with other men. In my case, it does not bother me, so it is not a problem like it is for you. I understand your need to know who the other guy was. That seems what all husbands want to know but in the end, it is your wife who cheated and it does not matter who the guy was. Knowing that will not change a thing and may make it even worse. 

This is what I tell everybody; past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. If you are thinking about what happened, it is a good bet that you do not trust her to not do it again. I feel for you and wish you well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

straightshooter said:


> You don't need counseling. You need a set of divorce papers in her hand, and my guess is his name will come to her very quickly.
> 
> If she REFUSES to help you find out who this guy is, then you do not really know if she has stopped her affair because you have no idea who he is. You could be running into him daily for all you know.
> 
> ...


Don't be so ready to dismiss counselling. Morituri had counselling. And he divorced his wife.

Please do not think counselling means you have to stay with a cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

ljigair said:


> She had always said 1.) She did not know his last name only that the name her game was Erik and; 2.) If she did know she would not eagle to tell me because she is afraid what I might do and does not want me in trouble.
> 
> She takes full responsibility and has gone out of her way to make sure I have full access to everything electronic and never goes anywhere that I don't know where she is or what she is doing, her choice not mine. buti also know she was depressed at the time due to recovering from a spinal cord injury that she never came to terms with and had convinced herself I didn't love her anymore. We did some counseling and the counselor believed this was the case.
> 
> Seeing those again was a kick in the guts. I'm sure she will notice a change in me. I wear my emotions on my sleeve if I'm upset at someone I can't hide it well. We've been together dating and marriage a total of 30 years now.



She has not gone out of her way. She's done less than almost every wayward here. 

So either she's protecting him or she won't tell you because you're a child who she needs to curate information to.

Great!


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi, please clarify did you find the emails by accident or where you looking. I don't understand why she didn't delete them five years ago. In the details she gave you did she say were the meant to have sex. Since you have the emails do you have his email address? If she is unaware you know his email address do not reveal it at this time. You might be able to use it. 

Please take time to read posts both about infidelity and attempts at reconcilation. Are you familiar with the terms rugsweeping, true remorse, and transparency to start ? How do you know she broke it off with him ? Did she call him or send him an email ? Did she ask you to read it. 
The videos themselves is that something she had done with you, or shot you down. You said she gave you brutal details. Did they include sexual acts that she would have been horrified if you suggested. (this includes a video, giving oral sex in the car, and taping it in the car.) 

Do you have children, if so are they on there own now?

Stay strong,


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## ljigair (Jan 30, 2016)

I found them on my computer, when I found the videos on her phone 5 years ago I emailed them to myself not sure if I would need them for a divorce. I deleted the email but while looking for a lost file I found them in the depths of the computer som temp file or deleted cache or something, I'm not really that computer savvy.

The stuff I found on her phone was mostly text and MMS messages. They both did have Yahoo email accounts, which she showed me. She closed hers and his was inactive within a day after she broke it off with him.

Our youngest graduates HS this year our oldest is in college.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Ijigair,

6+ years ago my life imploded... found out my wife had been serial cheating for 7 years with her boss and old boyfriends. We had been married 30 years at the time and had youngest still in college, oldest graduated and working. Definitely, not a banner year for RWB.

She's lying. She knows him.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

ljigair said:


> I found them on my computer, when I found the videos on her phone 5 years ago I emailed them to myself not sure if I would need them for a divorce. I deleted the email but while looking for a lost file I found them in the depths of the computer som temp file or deleted cache or something, I'm not really that computer savvy.
> 
> The stuff I found on her phone was mostly text and MMS messages. They both did have Yahoo email accounts, which she showed me. She closed hers and his was inactive within a day after she broke it off with him.
> 
> Our youngest graduates HS this year our oldest is in college.


Dude, on DDay for me. I asked my wife for his name. She also told me she didn't know his last name ( she met him at a bar and he asked for her phone number-- didn't care she was married) They kept it that way for their affair. That way they supposedly protected themselves, right? When I discovered the affair with GPS tracking, I demanded his phone number, she gave it to me and I angrily called him and threatened him with bodily harm. Hung up, used spokeo and reverse looked up the cell phone number and got the name and address. From his neighborhood directory of someone I knew in that same housing plan got his home phone, his wife's email and his wife's cell. The rest is history to gain some satisfaction to blow the doors off his marriage. Best thing I ever did. My wife shows all the remorse to this day 2 years later but you need the same type of closure here. Go get it and confront him and say your piece. I also sent him emails before I contacted his wife and engaged him in a confession that I could then send on to her thereby making an undeniable case. Best of luck


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This site and sites like it are littered with stories of people like you and your WW. These are stories in which the cheating spouse maintains control of the reconciliation and refuses to give the BS what he/she says is needed to heal.

Have your WW read a few of these threads so that she can see what her future looks like:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/79609-successful-rugsweep.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/privat...fair-coming-back-haunt-me-25-years-later.html

It's not her call here. She can't make you stop needing what you need. Unless she starts to act like she has real remorse here, you are wasting years in a false reconciliation.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Another thing for you to consider-----you are probably in your 50's, or close to it-----you are also not far from being an empty nest situation--------as you get older this does not necessarily get better, in that once you retire from your job, and with the kids gone-------and even if you have things to do----you also have much more time to THINK---and think you will. For your wife if you stay in this mge., will be right there in front of you each and every day---and she WILL TRIGGER your thoughts----those thoughts will be of what you saw, and in your case you will remember seeing the actual acts occurring, not just pictures your mind creates based on what you were told----you saw the actual acts performed, not a good way to spend the rest of your life. ----sad to say, your golden years with something like this hanging over your head----will not be much enjoyment to you--------------in all honesty, you would be best off getting a D., and moving on----if for no other reason than YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND, that, which is and will continue to trigger you, needs to be removed from your life!!!!!!!!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

morituri said:


> As MattMatt said, *I also found a video of my ex-wife (married 10 years) having sex with another man. I left her and never looked back. Not of out of lack of love but because I needed to heal from the trauma.*
> 
> I'd wish I could tell you what to do, but please consider your wellbeing FIRST. She certainly didn't of yours, so you have to take matters into your own hands and do what you must to recover. With or without her.
> 
> Lastly consider a counselor specializing in therapies for traumatic stress disorder. I availed myself of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and it was worth its weight in gold.


This is the only solution that I believe will lead to true healing. You will always have those mind movies. Thinking of how she serviced a stranger out in public. Knowing full well that a BJ in car entails swallowing. 
After seeing a video of her doing that, there is no fvcking way I could forgive that. You're obviously having the same problem with it. 

5 years ago, you were a broken and weak man that couldn't gather the strength to leave, so you decided to R. Did you R because of the kids, the long history, or fear of the unknown? I'm sure it was all of the above. 

Reliving this 5 years later, you have to decide to once again, are you still the type of man that swallows his pride and is capable of doing the hard work of suppressing the hurt while being a loving husband and father, so you can stay married to this woman. 

The questions that have to be answered TRUTHFULLY are:
1. Has she been remorseful? 
2. Has she been an open book? 
3. Has she been loving and affectionate? 
4. Has she been an involved and loving mother?
5. Has she kept strong borders & avoided poisonous friendships?
6. Are you each others best friend?
7. Are you "in love" with each other?

If the answers to those 7 questions is a strong yes, then after 5 years, you will probably have the 
ability to get past this with her help. Let her know what was found so she can demonstrate to you her love and remorse. 

If the answers to those questions are mixed or a weak yes, then you may need to burn it all down to get the healing and a new start.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you?
I assume that both of you have been tested for STD's.

I have a hunch that you are one of the nice guys and she knew if she was caught then you probably
would forgive her anyway which of course you did. What was the reasons she gave for it and what did she think would happen when you found out?

Her actions clearly showed that has no respect for you and your marriage. She probably asked you to try again because she did not want to lose her standard of living. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## ljigair (Jan 30, 2016)

Jsmart, the answer to those questions, all 7, is yes. Thank you for the advice. Honestly if anyone who knew us pre Dday and in the 5 years since the difference in our relationship is obvious, we are much closer now, we do everything together. Truthfully I'm a better husband and she treats me like I'm the center of her universe.

What really hurts, besides the obvious, is we met as teenagers and we were each other's first and I thought only. I was always proud of that. Now she's been with another man and I constantly compare myself and always wonder if I'm enough for her or that I don't measure up (yeah he was huge, it's a guy thing I guess)


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## ljigair (Jan 30, 2016)

Yes we were both tested. Her excuse?
We were growing distance since her spinal cord injury, she at first expected me to leave. due to her injury limitations she could not exercise and put on weight, she did not feel attractive and thought I stayed out of duty to her and the kids. A couple years prior she had weight loss surgery and really looked good but we were not communicating well. She claims she thought our marriage was over. I think she wanted to prove she was still desirable. She said he showed her attention I was not and she craved the emotional relationship. I also think she left the videos on the phone knowing I would find them. She stated that she thought I would welcome the excuse to divorce her.

She said when she saw how much she hurt mesomething I said to bet made her realize how much I actually loved her. She said that was when she knew how wrong she had been and asked if I would be willing to try to save the marriage. She did not need my income she had her own, financially she would be ok do that was not a factor.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Welsh15 said:


> The rest is history to gain some satisfaction to blow the doors off his marriage. Best thing I ever did. *My wife shows all the remorse to this day 2 years later but you need the same type of closure here. *Go get it and confront him and say your piece. I also sent him emails before I contacted his wife and engaged him in a confession that I could then send on to her thereby making an undeniable case.


Ijigair,

Do you understand what Welsh is getting at? I'm 6+ in R with my SC wife. It took me years to finally understand a truth that years of IC and MC with _"professionals"_ had not a clue. 

*Closure.*

Like mine, your cheating wife, repented, asked for mercy, dumped her shame and guilt on you immediately at DD. Understand? She immediately had closure for her betrayal. All dumped "one lump sum" in your lap.

I'm guessing but... You sound a lot like most 50+ men (Me) who have stayed the course (faithful, employed, busted your ass 30+, a provider) to make a life, raise them to succeed, make a difference. DD is more than a betrayal, it's a Class A-Triple-Cluster-F--K to all your held and believed was right. 

Welcome to the "Grand Illusion". The "Crazy Train" still has plenty of seats available... All Aboard!

Tough Love... 

1) There's no magic pill. You can recover your marriage, but you are forever changed. You will never forget the memories. They will in some way haunt you until death. Your job is to become their master. That you can control. You can choose not to wallow in them.

2) Guessing again... You have not had the "talk" with your wife. You are still protecting her shame. The "talk"... She needs to understand that your R is conditional and you have the right to pull the plug regardless of anything. She forfeited vows and lost her rights forever. If you still have questions, either she complies with honest attempt or you are willing to D. 

3) Not to sound like a Tyrant, but... You need to take charge. Marriage has many dirty little secrets. Regarding affairs there is a Balance-of-Power. When your wife was cheating on you she took ultimate control of the BoP. DD comes she is broken and immediately wants you to forgive and R. The BoP in an instant shifted hard to You. Guessing again... as these 5 years of R have painfully plodded by she has reclaimed a large portion of that BoP. You need to reclaim this. Remember, it was your gift to her, she needs to respect and honor that gift for the remainder (everyday).


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

ljigair said:


> Honestly if anyone who knew us pre Dday and in the 5 years since the difference in our relationship is obvious, we are much closer now, we do everything together. Truthfully I'm a better husband and she treats me like I'm the center of her universe.


If this is true, she should have no trouble giving you his name.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Ijigair,
> My question should I tell my wife i found them? Or suck it up and deal with it?


Tell your wife. She caused the pain and should be very willing to help you get better even though it may be tough on you both. You may never get those pains 100% out of your mind but you can diminish them greatly. 

If you and your wife get through this episode then do everything to keep this issue away from your mind and emotions. You need to delete everything that relates to her very damaging betrayal. You can never change what happened or the images that can come to your mind so do the next best thing and promote the positive and eliminate the negative. Do not be like the moth drawn to the flame but burn the items that are an obstacle to your better life.






> By Ijigair,
> She had always said
> 1.) She did not know his last name only that the name her game was Erik and;
> 2.) If she did know she would not eagle to tell me because she is afraid what I might do and does not want me in trouble.


If number two above is true then she is trying to protect you.






> *By jsmart*
> The questions that have to be answered TRUTHFULLY are:
> 1. Has she been remorseful?
> 2. Has she been an open book?
> ...



First get through your latest discovery of the videos then stay alert, be informed, and take ACTIONS to keep those seven questions above in the yes column. Your 5 years is a great start but you have many more years to go so keep working with your wife on your marriage and build yourself up to be as strong and self sufficient as possible ( however no one can be an island) so that you can be more secure in whatever the future brings.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

LJIGAIR ~

Call me old-fashioned, a square, a nerd or whatever BUT something is morally wrong and disgusting with a woman who would suck a stranger's d!ck. 

I am not sure if anyone mentioned this but EMDR may work.

VH


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My friend your wife is lying to you BIG TIME

You dont let some guy film you having sex,without knowing his full name,his job and some of his friends,family and stuff like that.

Also this guy NEVER chased her,she went for it. She joined on that site knowing it is not place for married people,then have sex with him and allowed him to film her. Damn she even put a copy on her phone and mail account so she can watch it sometime and have nice memories.

If I was in your position I would never move on after seeing her having sex with other,no matter guy,female,animal,ghost bla bla. She would be out of my house and my life.


PS. I forget to tell you. She made all excuses and how she thought your marriage is over but she NEVER talk with you about them. Her answer and solution for problems are to have sex with some guy.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

The LEAST she can do for YOU is share his NAME, she certainly shared MORE than that with HIM !!!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

ljigair said:


> Jsmart, the answer to those questions, all 7, is yes. Thank you for the advice. Honestly if *anyone who knew us pre Dday and in the 5 years since the difference in our relationship is obvious, we are much closer now, we do everything together. Truthfully I'm a better husband and she treats me like I'm the center of her universe.*
> 
> What really hurts, besides the obvious, is *we met as teenagers and we were each other's first and I thought only. I was always proud of that. Now she's been with another man *and I constantly compare myself and always wonder if I'm enough for her or that I don't measure up (yeah he was huge, it's a guy thing I guess)


I can understand how that could destroy you. Women, especially today, do not understand the value of their virginity, especially to a man that ends up marrying and starting a family with her. To you she was FAR above all the other woman out there, who've been around. For that to be stolen from you so late into your marriage is hard to grasp. Especially to a stranger she pursued on the internet. It's like how could she choose to go from being your PRICELESS rare diamond to a some stranger's cheap piece of coal.

You said that the past 5 years have turned things around. Your marriage is strong and is once again the rock that holds up your kids and God willing,eventually grand kids. 

I agree with @Mr Blunt that you should continue the hard work that has gotten you this far. I also agree with him that you should let her know what you found, so she can help you through this pain. Her reassurance of her love will help you and her seeing that her betrayal still has deep affect on you, can remind her how lucky she was that you forgave. Who knows, maybe she'll even contemplate about how close she came to being some late 40s divorcee with kids.

Finally, once you let her know what you found, and see her reactions to your pain, then you need to destroy all of it.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So he was big and she knows his name.

She has not stopped.

When she has relations with you, she is thinking about him all the time. That is why she could suck his big ****. 

She knows how to contact him. Time for her to tell the truth and when was the last meeting. 

Has she told you that she never thinks of him and his big ****, while she is with you? 

Have another test for stds for her.

How would she feel if you had an A and the AP was younger with bigger ****? 

She is manipulating you. Have her come clean and stop protecting the POSOM.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She needs to fess up. She is still in control and calling the shots if she won't give OM up, name and all, for you.

Triggering big time here so going.

Stop swallowing your pain and make her do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

She said she does not know his name,? Poly Wil prove it. Probably a co worker though. Do not see a woman participating in video unless she knows and trusts the man. Do not believe her, she s protecting him.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

ljigair said:


> Jsmart, the answer to those questions, all 7, is yes. Thank you for the advice. Honestly if anyone who knew us pre Dday and in the 5 years since the difference in our relationship is obvious, we are much closer now, we do everything together. Truthfully I'm a better husband and she treats me like I'm the center of her universe.
> 
> What really hurts, besides the obvious, is we met as teenagers and we were each other's first and I thought only. I was always proud of that. Now she's been with another man and I constantly compare myself and always wonder if I'm enough for her or that I don't measure up (yeah he was huge, it's a guy thing I guess)


The average woman prefers a man 6.3 " in length for long term relationships. Far smaller than most think.

There are a lot of assumptions being made in your subconscious that have to be re-programmed in order to get over this. It is easier than it sounds.

To get over 'Dday' you have to change all of those fundamental assumptions and approach the incident head on. You simply can't forgive and forget once. It can re-ignite and cause further damage the next time. To do this, we have to look far deeper than the face of the issue, but all of the underlying factors.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Did she ever have to face how she would feel if she saw your dyck in a hot young bombshells mouth?

How would she have felt if her children saw her at her "finest"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

ljigair said:


> 5 years ago I found two short videos, and a lot of detailed sexting, of my wife having sex with some random guy she met in a chat room. From what I could piece together he singled her out and worked her for months to groom her to met him. I confronted her and she denied denied denied until I showed her the video of her face with a penis in her mouth that clearly was not mine. We came very close to divorce the papers were drawn. She broke off the affair immediately, that same day I confronted her. Just before the papers were signed she asked if we could try. I do believe this is over. She had agreed to leave the marriage with nothing, no money no property and her bills for CC. My problem? I can't forgetthe movie that runs in my head on a continuous loop. To make matters worse today I found an email file of the two videos I honestly thought were permanently deleted.
> 
> She had been completely brutally honest about all details I've asked, except she won't tell me his name.
> 
> Seeing those videos I'd like it just happened. I'm so depressed. My question should I tell my wifei found them? Or suck it up and deal with it?


Ever heard of the line "Operation Was A Success But The Patient Died ".

Looks like the marriage survived but part of your soul and self respect died that day..

She is a 30+ year old woman. She wasn't groomed anymore than her grooming this guy. She wanted the affair. She was not manipulated into it. She wanted the affair. She wanted the sex with him. She did not confess even after you confronted her. You had to show her videos to make her confess. Even now, she is more loyal to him than you by protecting his name and him from consequences. 

Do you know what happened between them after you caught them ? Was she dumped by him ? Is that why she wanted to try with you again ?

if she decides to cheat again, you will be very lucky to find out about it.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry, but there's no way I'd have been able to even entertain the notion of reconciliation w/o knowing the guy's full name.


if he gives her a serious ultimatum, he would be surprised at the speed she will come up with his name. 

She knows his name


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

ljigair said:


> Yes we were both tested. Her excuse?
> We were growing distance since her spinal cord injury, she at first expected me to leave. due to her injury limitations she could not exercise and put on weight, she did not feel attractive and thought I stayed out of duty to her and the kids. A couple years prior she had weight loss surgery and really looked good but we were not communicating well. She claims she thought our marriage was over. I think she wanted to prove she was still desirable. She said he showed her attention I was not and she craved the emotional relationship. I also think she left the videos on the phone knowing I would find them. She stated that she thought I would welcome the excuse to divorce her.
> 
> She said when she saw how much she hurt mesomething I said to bet made her realize how much I actually loved her. She said that was when she knew how wrong she had been and asked if I would be willing to try to save the marriage. She did not need my income she had her own, financially she would be ok do that was not a factor.



So, just another version of "You did not fulfill my needs"

Most commonly used cheater excuses and looks like you bought them completely.

How long was she cheating before you caught her ?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- just wondering how many other men your wife decided to bang without knowing their name.... does that make sense?

If she's not providing answers to your questions- all of your questions- then she is not participating fully in R.

I'd file for D and move on.

She obviously cares more for her "random" OM('s) than she does for you, your marriage, or your family.

Do not tolerate her lies for another day. (withholding the truth is a lie).


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

ljigair said:


> I found them on my computer, when I found the videos on her phone 5 years ago I emailed them to myself not sure if I would need them for a divorce. I deleted the email but while looking for a lost file I found them in the depths of the computer som temp file or deleted cache or something, I'm not really that computer savvy.
> 
> The stuff I found on her phone was mostly text and MMS messages. They both did have Yahoo email accounts, which she showed me. She closed hers and his was inactive within a day after she broke it off with him.
> 
> Our youngest graduates HS this year our oldest is in college.


I'm not an expert but I think that the videos are what is left over from five years ago. So in fact nothing new has happened, but a random event has triggered you. That will happen, but if you were satisfied with your reconciliation progress I see no reason not to continue to be satisfied.

Let me warn you about one thing. TAM can destroy your marriage. Many folks here have been very seriously hurt by events in their marriage and they have the scars to show for it.

You do NOT have to have the OM's name. After all this time there is nothing to be done. Don't listen to the hysteria about the affair not being really over. There is no reason to think that.

Think where you'd be if you'd realized that the videos were still on your computer right away. Then you'd never have posted here and you'd never be drowning on posts telling you that your wife is lying. They have no idea if your wife is lying or not. You do.

Unless there are incriminating things you haven't told us about, my advice is to try to put this behind you. Have a frank and honest discussion with your wife. Don't blame her for anything but ask her for her help.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

sidney2718 said:


> I'm not an expert but I think that the videos are what is left over from five years ago. So in fact nothing new has happened, but a random event has triggered you. That will happen, but if you were satisfied with your reconciliation progress I see no reason not to continue to be satisfied.
> 
> Let me warn you about one thing. TAM can destroy your marriage. Many folks here have been very seriously hurt by events in their marriage and they have the scars to show for it.
> 
> ...


The other man is someone close enough to be a future problem. Not telling her husband who he is is tantamount to her keeping up with the lies.

I would put his picture in google and see if face recognition came up with something. If that failed, I would see if a PI could find it.

Her protecting her affair partner means her husband can't really verify anything she has told him.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

ljigair said:


> Or suck it up and deal with it?


Well at least you have a sense of humor about her activities. Here's the thing my man. Just because a woman wants to stay married to you doesn't mean she has a romantic interest in you and respect for you. Sometime they do it for expediency. Think about it like this. If you went George Lucas and made movies of you giving some chick oral, would that be a testament to how much you love and respect your wife? You may want to stay married to her after dining at the Y, but its not because you love her some much you're willing to forsake all others.
But its been five years;at least you hope. I think you'd be in a much better place if you'd ditched and replaced. Doesn't sound like you gained a hell of a lot by saving your marriage.

If you decide to tell her you screened the videos again and she wants to watch them herself, you've got a bigger problem.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> I'm not an expert but I think that the videos are what is left over from five years ago. So in fact nothing new has happened, but a random event has triggered you. That will happen, but if you were satisfied with your reconciliation progress I see no reason not to continue to be satisfied.
> 
> Let me warn you about one thing. TAM can destroy your marriage. Many folks here have been very seriously hurt by events in their marriage and they have the scars to show for it.
> 
> ...


I agree in part. She doesn't get to dictate terms to her husband about her major fvck up.

I don't have any idea if she is still cheating. Hopefully not but she needs to fess up to who it was.

Closure is definitely needed to heal. She is helping to keep the wound open.

If the mystery was solved, his trust for his FWW will undoubtedly increase and even a picture of her disgusting behavior won't hold as much power over him, though it will still be hurtful and troubling.

Ignoring something does not make it go away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sit her down and play the video for her. Before hitting play, tell her to carefully watch the entire thing.

Tell her she can have you or her life in that video but not both.

As long as she refuses to tell you his identity, she is choosing to be the prostitute in her home movie and not a wife and mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Sit her down and play the video for her. Before hitting play, tell her to carefully watch the entire thing.


And be sure to check her britches afterward. If they are wet, just ride off into the sunset.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> And be sure to check her britches afterward. If they are wet, just ride off into the sunset.


Ouch!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

I have a great deal of respect for you men who stuck it out and worked through it. 

Closure for her was admitting her affair.

Closure for me was divorce.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Sit her down and play the video for her. Before hitting play, tell her to carefully watch the entire thing.
> 
> Tell her she can have you or her life in that video but not both.
> 
> ...


And here I thought he did that five years ago. This is not a new tape, it is the same old tape(s) from back then. He's been badly triggered, but that is not his wife's fault.

As for the identity of the other man, I doubt it makes any difference after five years. I'm a great fan of full truth, but sometimes that doesn't happen. Our OP has to decide what he wants to do and it seems to me that he should wait until his upset over the trigger declines before doing that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> And here I thought he did that five years ago. This is not a new tape, it is the same old tape(s) from back then. He's been badly triggered, but that is not his wife's fault.
> 
> As for the identity of the other man, I doubt it makes any difference after five years. I'm a great fan of full truth, but sometimes that doesn't happen. Our OP has to decide what he wants to do and it seems to me that he should wait until his upset over the trigger declines before doing that.


Maybe. We are dynamic opposites.

What you would consider healthy is poison to me and vice versa.

OP can take what he wants from us but he doesn't appear to have closure and she needs to seal this wound once and for all.

I understand the 5 year gap but OP's wife needs to comply and complete the closure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Which is why I'm a one and done guy. You cheat, your gone. I cheat I'm gone. Just the thought of having to have mind movies all the time then have to come home and face the star of the movie to me just isn't worth me losing my mind and having to live like that. She broke the bonds of trust and the marriage in the worst possible way and in my opinion it's not worth fixing. Sounds hard herated but that's the way it is.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

6301 said:


> Which is why I'm a one and done guy. You cheat, your gone. I cheat I'm gone. Just the thought of having to have mind movies all the time then have to come home and face the star of the movie to me just isn't worth me losing my mind and having to live like that. She broke the bonds of trust and the marriage in the worst possible way and in my opinion it's not worth fixing. Sounds hard herated but that's the way it is.


I'm similar but we aren't all wired the same.

I've been consistently amazed at what many folks are willing to work through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Everybody handles things different ways and some have more tolerance to cheating than other. My advice and caveat of sorts is examine the impetus behind the cheating and what it means about the character of the person. In my mind a wife who in in an affair that's married to a rounder who's banging his secretary is a little different than a wife who's banging the neighbor while her husband is working a second job to buy the kids school clothes. Same if the situation was reversed.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Was his face ever visible ?

You mention weight loss surgery and a period of poor communications. Then an accident, followed by weight gain (how much?) then adultery. Looking back do you see any red flags after the weight loss surgery ?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

ljigair, I'm in general agreement with the forum here, with one important caveat, that false reconciliation is happening because she is refusing to name the OM.

Here's the caveat: Has she done everything possible to help you find the OM's identity? Did she give you his phone #, emails, copies of their communications? Did she show you his profile on whatever websites they were on? Did she provide all information she had? Did she appear to be fully cooperative? Or did it seem she was stonewalling you or misdirecting you?

Finding out his name was (still is?) a very big deal to you. We've seen it countless times here when a cheating spouse holds back on the name of the affair partner it means they are not genuinely remorseful, and the marriage doesn't heal. When a cheater has true remorse, they gladly do whatever they can to help their betrayed spouse find resolution. Naming the AP is a minor thing to do. Withholding the AP's name means the cheater is still protecting the AP and has not capitulated to the BS.


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## ljigair (Jan 30, 2016)

Thor,
Right after DD I had access to all email accounts and his phone# was still on her phone. I did see it, but did not think to grab it. She called him the day I found out and asked him to never contact her again and explained that she has hurt me more than she thought possible and it was over, no ifs ands or buts. The very next day his Yahoo email was closed.

After I came out of the fog and she asked forgiveness and to try to work through she changed her phone number and deleted his from her contacts.

She has been open and brutally honest about there behavior. To the point that somethings I know they we're planning to do she would have kept from me if she were going to lie about things. 

We spoke again last night and she insists she never knew his last name and he never knew hers.She stated she would tell me if she knew but just does not know it.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

ljgiar,

Please get your WW a polygraph, your WW should be willing to do this to prove her honesty. Frankly her story is difficult to believe and you will still be questioning it 10 or 20 years from now.

The identity of the OM must be known in order for you to recover. Even if the electronic trail has grown cold there must be some way to find him. I would guess he still haunts the same kind of sites. 

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

ljigair,

Your WW cannot keep an intimacy with the OM which excludes you, they don't get to keep their special time a secret from you. Put an end to this involuntary marital threesome.

Do you have children?

Tamat


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> ljgiar,
> 
> Please get your WW a polygraph, your WW should be willing to do this to prove her honesty. Frankly her story is difficult to believe and you will still be questioning it 10 or 20 years from now.
> 
> ...


So the POSOM has a burner phone and uses a disposable web-based email address? And keeps his surname and real first name secret?

What is difficult to believe about that?

After all if one of his lovers accidentally reveals his real name to her husband, what on earth could possibly go wrong??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

So she made porn with a Goddamned stranger??!!??

Don't think that really makes the situation better in the least.

Worse actually...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> So she made porn with a Goddamned stranger??!!??
> 
> Don't think that really makes the situation better in the least.
> 
> ...


Videos of everything we do on cellphones is so common , now. Driving, hunting, cooking, having affairs... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Videos of everything we do on cellphones is so common , now. Driving, hunting, cooking, having affairs...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This classifies as being an unpaid prostitute.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

ljigair said:


> Thor,
> Right after DD I had access to all email accounts and his phone# was still on her phone. I did see it, but did not think to grab it. She called him the day I found out and asked him to never contact her again and explained that she has hurt me more than she thought possible and it was over, no ifs ands or buts. The very next day his Yahoo email was closed.


She is lying. 100%. She even made videos with him, didn't she ?
if she can have sex with another guy and betray you, she can also easily lie to you. This version is a bit too clean and convenient, don't you think ? It gives her the perfect cover story. 

Some similar version of the same events happen in many stories in this forum itself ? 



> After I came out of the fog and she asked forgiveness and to try to work through she changed her phone number and deleted his from her contacts.
> 
> She has been open and brutally honest about there behavior. To the point that somethings I know they we're planning to do she would have kept from me if she were going to lie about things.
> 
> We spoke again last night and she insists she never knew his last name and he never knew hers.She stated she would tell me if she knew but just does not know it.


If she (had) lied several times now, why do you think she will come clean this time ? What incentive does she have to tell you a different version ?

Give her an incentive ? It could be as simple as telling her that "you do not believe her " or trying to convince her that her last bit of lie is holding you back from completely believing her etc... It is upto you to decide to decide on a strategy.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

ljigair said:


> Thor,
> Right after DD I had access to all email accounts and his phone# was still on her phone. I did see it, but did not think to grab it. She called him the day I found out and asked him to never contact her again and explained that she has hurt me more than she thought possible and it was over, no ifs ands or buts. The very next day his Yahoo email was closed.
> 
> After I came out of the fog and she asked forgiveness and to try to work through she changed her phone number and deleted his from her contacts.
> ...


Sorry but it's a simple process to take any cell phone number even an old disconnected one and reverse look up the name and address. Try Spokeo. Gives current and prior addresses. From there you can google search the POSOM and wreck havoc on his life. Anything short of that , there is no damn closure IMO.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Schedule a polygraph 'just to finalize things' and then prepare for the parking lot confession. Who cares what happens in the test? It's the stress she has to face and the confession she's likely to give you that will matter.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My old lady banged a few guy and she didn't know their first name much less there last name, but thanks to "reverse look up" I was able to help her out. But the trick was figuring out which name went to which night. I guess when you have a rotation like my old lady had it was hard to keep track.

My point here is ...it's not that far fetched that your old lady didn't remember the OM last name. I'm guessing the fomality of last names didn't really come into play when the goal was sex.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

YOu may be able to retrieve his phone number from old phone bills. Or, possibly, from her old phone or backups of her old phone. I bet you could find him on the internet in games or forums similar to where your wife met him. If you have his old email, or if your wife remembers it (I suspect she would remember it), you may be able to track him down. There may be a way to track him from the meta data encoded in the videos or any pictures she may have gotten from him. There may be a way to do some kind of facial recognition if you have a clear image of his face. Facebook might be a big help, as they seem to suggest names to tag photos. Upload the photo but keep it private. A PI may be a big help too.

Do you at this time want to know who he is? Or, are you wanting to be sure she isn't withholding the information from you? Or, do you think she might still be in contact with him secretly? Or, is this just a big trigger from finding the videos? Triggers are a beotch, but maybe you can ride through this one and get back to normal without digging to find out who OM is.

I don't think there is much to be gained by learning his identity unless he is someone you might run into or if it has been a persistent problem for you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I simply do not understand why anyone would stay married after something like that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ljigair said:


> Thor,
> Right after DD I had access to all email accounts and his phone# was still on her phone. I did see it, but did not think to grab it. She called him the day I found out and asked him to never contact her again and explained that she has hurt me more than she thought possible and it was over, no ifs ands or buts. The very next day his Yahoo email was closed.
> 
> After I came out of the fog and she asked forgiveness and to try to work through she changed her phone number and deleted his from her contacts.
> ...


She's lying.


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## beccamoo123 (Jan 29, 2016)

ljigair said:


> 5 years ago I found two short videos, and a lot of detailed sexting, of my wife having sex with some random guy she met in a chat room. From what I could piece together he singled her out and worked her for months to groom her to met him. I confronted her and she denied denied denied until I showed her the video of her face with a penis in her mouth that clearly was not mine. We came very close to divorce the papers were drawn. She broke off the affair immediately, that same day I confronted her. Just before the papers were signed she asked if we could try. I do believe this is over. She had agreed to leave the marriage with nothing, no money no property and her bills for CC. My problem? I can't forgetthe movie that runs in my head on a continuous loop. To make matters worse today I found an email file of the two videos I honestly thought were permanently deleted.
> 
> She had been completely brutally honest about all details I've asked, except she won't tell me his name.
> 
> Seeing those videos I'd like it just happened. I'm so depressed. My question should I tell my wifei found them? Or suck it up and deal with it?


It's possible that the guy is a friend of yours, that's why she won't give up the name. I just found out my best friend set me up on a date with a guy she was effing. I fell in love with him, married him 6 months ago, but shes continued to have sex with him. I had no clue, she had a boyfriend, my husband is friends with him. But they didn't tell him, or me to spare us the hurt. Maybe your wife is trying to spare you any more hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am going to say it again-she is lying my friend.

You dont make porn videos with strangers like that. You dont let them film you having sex with them without knowing his/her name,job and some of her/his friends.

If you want to let this behind you,then you are in deep trouble my friend. You will never get healed and this thing will eat you.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Okay, so you get his name FIVE years later....

Now what? Seems pointless NOW. You choose to reconcile her.

In my opinion, you choose poorly. Frankly you're nuts.

But what's done is done. You can't hold it over her forever.

Either you RECONCILE or you divorce her 100%.

That means moving on and getting out of limbo whichever you choose.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

The problem is that his W is still lying to him and she knows it, and because she knows it the marriage will never recover with her harboring this horrible secret. Get WW to a polygraph.

It is never too late to expose an OM and put him out of business.

I have to agree with the prior poster in that it is likely who the OM is that is causing the WW to clam up. It needs to be know if it is someone who remains in their lives because every year more increases the insult.

Tamat


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

beccamoo123 said:


> I just found out my best friend set me up on a date with a guy she was effing. I fell in love with him, married him 6 months ago, but shes continued to have sex with him. I had no clue, she had a boyfriend, my husband is friends with him. But they didn't tell him, or me to spare us the hurt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



With best friend like this you don't really need enemies.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

While I agree he should have divorced without looking back, he didn't. According to OP, they've successfully R for the past 5 YEARS. He says she's been an open book, kept proper borders, has been loving mother and wife. If he didn't find this video, they would still be enjoying a revived strong marriage. 

We get a lot of clueless BHs that need our 2x4 to wake them up but according to OP, things have genuinely been better than pre-affair. We should be careful to not run off BHs like the OP that have really turned things around. He has a family that he is fighting to protect and keep intact. He obviously wants to get through this, encouraging him to burn it down, when it really has turned around is not constructive. He could become a regular TAMer that could serve as a successful example for others that want believe that a successful R is possible.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm simply flabbergasted at what people will swallow.

I do think he needs more info to totally close his wound. Hope he finds what he needs.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I can only give my perspective as an outsider. 

If my wife did such a thing and told me she did not know his name it would leave an open thought in my head. Who is he? Is he still around and do I know him? I personally would HAVE to know and make a direct confront. Yes, even 5 years later. The guy knew she was married. I am one who believes exposure is MUST. He also immediately deleted his email address so OPs wife obviously tipped him off that she'd been busted. Hard to believe a guy like that has not tried to make contact as well. 

Seeing the old video around opens up a deep wound for OP I'm sure. I personally could not do what he's doing and still be with his wife and ever look at her the same. Expecting OP to just suck it up and not have emotions should he trigger and just deal with it internally I think is rug sweeping

If I was him I'd tell the wife that I came across the video and it really hurts to see it. He doesn't need to be mean but I think he also needs to let her understand that why he maybe acting different, etc.

Maybe it's been 5 years but I think closure takes much longer. And many fail at R exactly because of what OP is experiencing. The hurt and memories are raw.....



jsmart said:


> While I agree he should have divorced without looking back, he didn't. According to OP, they've successfully R for the past 5 YEARS. He says she's been an open book, kept proper borders, has been loving mother and wife. If he didn't find this video, they would still be enjoying a revived strong marriage.
> 
> We get a lot of clueless BHs that need our 2x4 to wake them up but according to OP, things have genuinely been better than pre-affair. We should be careful to not run off BHs like the OP that have really turned things around. He has a family that he is fighting to protect and keep intact. He obviously wants to get through this, encouraging him to burn it down, when it really has turned around is not constructive. He could become a regular TAMer that could serve as a successful example for others that want believe that a successful R is possible.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@jdawg2015, I'm actually torn on this thread. I could NEVER R after what his wife has done, especially that she made, what in all practical purposes, is a porno. But then OP has said that they have a new better marriage for the past 5 years since Dday. 

I too am concerned about her not giving the name. It does feel like she's protecting POS. What if he's the next door neighbor? But he said his wife has been completely honest to the point of embarrassment. That combined with how everything has turned around for 5 YEARS makes me think that she really doesn't know. 

Of course that then brings up how she could go from being a wife who never was touched by another man to a wife & mother of 4, that would recklessly make a video of her, probably very enthusiastically, 
performing sex acts with a stranger.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Be smart said:


> She made all excuses and how she thought your marriage is over but she NEVER talk with you about them. Her answer and solution for problems are to have sex with some guy.


Right??

She creates this whole alternative reality in her head, uses it to justify just awful cheating, presumably failing at the most basic obligation of communication in a relationship, and you accept that as an excuse?

It sounds like your wife is remorseful to me as far as she understands it, but I wounder if she lusted to cheat and the mental gymnastics were necessitated to act on it. Not doubting she was lonly or needy, but she did cheat.

It certainly was an artistic invention and in this case life mimicked art.

I like the idea of setting up a polly graph to close up any doubts.

Hope you find your peace op!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I agree in part. She doesn't get to dictate terms to her husband about her major fvck up.
> 
> I don't have any idea if she is still cheating. Hopefully not but she needs to fess up to who it was.
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying, but consider this. They seem to have patched together a reasonable reconciliation over the past five years. To blow things up now with demands that were important five years ago (but not so important now) seems to me to be a lose-lose proposition.

My position depends on the "new" videos being in fact the old videos that were not erased from every place on the computer. If this is so, there is, in fact, nothing new here.

But if the videos are new, that's a whole different ball game.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It is her continued obfuscation that is the issue. She damn well knows this clown's name but she has more loyalty to him than her husband, so she is refusing to tell.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> I understand what you are saying, but consider this. They seem to have patched together a reasonable reconciliation over the past five years. To blow things up now with demands that were important five years ago (but not so important now) seems to me to be a lose-lose proposition.
> 
> My position depends on the "new" videos being in fact the old videos that were not erased from every place on the computer. If this is so, there is, in fact, nothing new here.
> 
> But if the videos are new, that's a whole different ball game.


They aren't new but it illustrates OP is still needing some closure.

I don't think he should blow up his marriage if he doesn't want to, she blew it up anyway, but he hasn't had a major issue closed for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I don't know if she is telling the truth or not, but they may have used fake names in the game and just continued the ruse. They both did what they did for their own selfish reasons and the bottom line is she was unfaithful. She can never change that fact, she can only be a good and faithful wife from this point forward. Some people forgive immediately, while others never do, only you can say what is right for you. Most of us create mind movies of what we think happened and that is bad enough, unfortunately you have it in cinema-scope. It has been over 30 years for me and I still have not forgotten, so don't think you will be that fortunate. I think you are having a relapse, because of finding the files, which is completely understandable. Don't bring this guy back into your lives, don't look for numbers and get rid of any and all files. If you have had a successful reconciliation for five years, hold on to that and keep moving forward.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

My guess is it's because the guy is "close to home" in some way.

Can't believe a woman would do such a thing randomly and not know his name. That just does not pass the smell test to me.

If I was the OP I would tell her that knowing his name is a big deal and ask her to help.

The reason I could never R is after such a betrayal the trust would be gone. Home late I'd always wonder. My mind would have me snooping constantly and that's not how I ever want to live.




jsmart said:


> @jdawg2015, I'm actually torn on this thread. I could NEVER R after what his wife has done, especially that she made, what in all practical purposes, is a porno. But then OP has said that they have a new better marriage for the past 5 years since Dday.
> 
> I too am concerned about her not giving the name. It does feel like she's protecting POS. What if he's the next door neighbor? But he said his wife has been completely honest to the point of embarrassment. That combined with how everything has turned around for 5 YEARS makes me think that she really doesn't know.
> 
> ...


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> It is her continued obfuscation that is the issue. She damn well knows this clown's name but she has more loyalty to him than her husband, so she is refusing to tell.


I have absolutely no idea how you KNOW she knows the clown's name. The internet is filled with fake names. I'd even wager that your legal name is not "bandit.45". And if you won't spread it around I'll tell you a secret, mine's not "sidney2718".

Heck, even back when I was in High School (a long time ago) we all had "street names" as they were called then. The idea was to fix it so that we were not identifiable by girls we went out with from another High School.

So the idea that the wife never knew the guy's real name does not strike me as odd. She seems not to have been planning to leave her husband or to have a long term affair.

I readily admit that I may be wrong. I'd just like to see a bit of wiggle room in other folks' positions in this thread.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

ljigair said:


> She had been completely brutally honest about all details I've asked, except she won't tell me his name.



Considering the circumstances how they met (in a chat room), I can believe that she never knew his real name. Not knowing their real names might have even made their affair more exciting.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

adriana said:


> Considering the circumstances how they met (in a chat room), I can believe that she never knew his real name. Not knowing their real names might have even made their affair more exciting.


That still makes it worse.

Seriously low.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> That still makes it worse.
> 
> Seriously low.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I agree but people are capable of doing amazingly stupid things.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Sidney, do you know that information you share here even under a fake name make it possible to track you down? Especially the system administrator or anyone with access to your IP address. 

In fact if OP wants we could even help him ask her the questions and lead him back to the guy. With enough sleuthing he could be found.

You really think she doesn't know more about him and just showed up at some random place, did a one off porno with him and then had no more info? You really think that's how it went down?

She knows enough about him to allow OP to get his name. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT



sidney2718 said:


> I have absolutely no idea how you KNOW she knows the clown's name. The internet is filled with fake names. I'd even wager that your legal name is not "bandit.45". And if you won't spread it around I'll tell you a secret, mine's not "sidney2718".
> 
> Heck, even back when I was in High School (a long time ago) we all had "street names" as they were called then. The idea was to fix it so that we were not identifiable by girls we went out with from another High School.
> 
> ...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> I have absolutely no idea how you KNOW she knows the clown's name. The internet is filled with fake names. I'd even wager that your legal name is not "bandit.45". And if you won't spread it around I'll tell you a secret, mine's not "sidney2718".
> 
> Heck, even back when I was in High School (a long time ago) we all had "street names" as they were called then. The idea was to fix it so that we were not identifiable by girls we went out with from another High School.
> 
> ...


Sorry. I don't wiggle.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

ljigair said:


> Jsmart, the answer to those questions, all 7, is yes. Thank you for the advice. Honestly if anyone who knew us pre Dday and in the 5 years since the difference in our relationship is obvious, we are much closer now, we do everything together. Truthfully I'm a better husband and she treats me like I'm the center of her universe.
> 
> What really hurts, besides the obvious, is we met as teenagers and we were each other's first and I thought only. I was always proud of that. Now she's been with another man and I constantly compare myself and always wonder if I'm enough for her or that I don't measure up (yeah he was huge, it's a guy thing I guess)


ljigair has all the information he is going to get. I believe she doesn't know any more. Do men who visit prostitutes know their real, or their full names? Do they know where they live? The guy was a pro, OP's wife was looking for trouble. They met for quickies, they didn't go out to dinner to get to know each other better and then go to the opera. 

OP and his wife were each other's firsts. Their marriage has gotten better since the discovery. She is devoted and has not had a slip-up.

The flings were a crazy "blip" in his wife's life. It was out of character for her. She has proven to OP that she is not a serial cheater, but had temporary insanity.

OP needs to realize that his male member rocks his wife's world, and is big enough for her,. Larger isn't necessarily better. The guy was probably terrible in bed, even with his big donkey. Hopefully his wife will confer.

OP can tell his wife he accidentally found a movie and feels bad again so she can also feel the brunt of what her actions caused. He can give her another opportunity to help him heal the wounds she caused.

What OP needs to do is decide if he can live with the fact that his wife from high school cheated on him. He obviously doesn't worry that she will do it again, but was it a deal breaker? If it wasn't then he will just have to suffer with memories from time to time. And he should tell his wife every time, so they can bond and help each other through it. His wife really needs to know the damage she caused didn't just go away forever, but will cycle through every now and then.

Sorry you have those awful images, OP. Just seeing OW's face from time to time when I go places is enough to throw me for a loop. If I had ever seen a picture of her and my husband naked together, I would probably have to D my husband and leave. I wouldn't leave out of anger or hatred for my husband, but out of self preservation and for my own sanity's sake.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> I have absolutely no idea how you KNOW she knows the clown's name. The internet is filled with fake names. I'd even wager that your legal name is not "bandit.45". And if you won't spread it around I'll tell you a secret, mine's not "sidney2718".
> 
> Heck, even back when I was in High School (a long time ago) we all had "street names" as they were called then. The idea was to fix it so that we were not identifiable by girls we went out with from another High School.
> 
> ...


Gotta love a good red herring.


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## CoolHandLuke (Feb 3, 2016)

If you really believe that it was a one time thing and is over for good, and your marriage is good today, then let it go. If your life is good, don't pick at it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> l
> The flings were a crazy "blip" in his wife's life. It was out of character for her. She has proven to OP that she is not a serial cheater, but had temporary insanity.


 Or zero insanity and she got the serial cheating out of her system. 


OP, you either need to leave or accept she ended the affair and move on. You keep going down this road it is only going to get uglier.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I lot of you saying OP should just move on after five years. I think that is not a good advice,especially considering that he still dont have a clue who is this guy. Time is short and look at him now,still hurting and trying to heal without even knowing the OMs name.

Also some of you said he should "forget" about those videos. NO and NO. His wife knows everything about OM but she is not honest with her husband.

You dont let someone film you having sex without knowing his/her name. 

I belive OP never thought about this,but one of her friends did tell her about this site and dating. They are probably sharing secrets behind your back.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Be smart said:


> I lot of you saying OP should just move on after five years. I think that is not a good advice,especially considering that he still dont have a clue who is this guy. Time is short and look at him now,still hurting and trying to heal without even knowing the OMs name.


Sure it is good advice. It is a good as yours telling him there is worse still lurking. I'd agree if it was a year or two ago. If it took him five years, that's some heavy rug sweeping. I warned him about how ugly it could be and it is a choice he'll have to make.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

adriana said:


> I agree but people are capable of doing amazingly stupid things.


Yes but they are usually dead, in jail or congress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I guess people who only flip out and do anything can be excused if it was only for a short period of time before they were caught and stopped.

Bad narrative.

I agree that OP rugswept and he probably isn't getting closure 5 years later.

OP. Tell your wife what happened and unload your emotions about it. She at least earned supporting your occasional pain forever after blowing her family out her wazoo for less than nothing.

She agreed to suffer with you when she asked for a second chance.

Make her earn it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

OP
Below is the BOTTOM LINE for you now.




> By IAMFAR
> What OP needs to do is decide if he can live with the fact that his wife from high school cheated on him. He obviously doesn't worry that she will do it again, but was it a deal breaker? If it wasn't then he will just have to suffer with memories from time to time. And he should tell his wife every time, so they can bond and help each other through it. His wife really needs to know the damage she caused didn't just go away forever, but will cycle through every now and then.


Op, you have described to us a fairly successful R for 5 years. You have all but told us that D is not a decision that you want to make. Work on keeping your R in good condition and do everything to keep the triggers away because that is good for YOU and your R. If you both are doing a good job on the R then the triggers, if they pop up again, will get weaker and weaker as the years go by. 

Have your wife help you get through your latest situation then avoid all triggers like the videos that you found. You can do absolutely nothing to change the fact that those triggers happened in the past so burn them!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

ljigair said:


> 5 years ago I found two short videos, and a lot of detailed sexting, of my wife having sex with some random guy she met in a chat room. From what I could piece together he singled her out and worked her for months to groom her to met him. I confronted her and she denied denied denied until I showed her the video of her face with a penis in her mouth that clearly was not mine. We came very close to divorce the papers were drawn. She broke off the affair immediately, that same day I confronted her. Just before the papers were signed she asked if we could try. I do believe this is over. She had agreed to leave the marriage with nothing, no money no property and her bills for CC. My problem? I can't forgetthe movie that runs in my head on a continuous loop. To make matters worse today I found an email file of the two videos I honestly thought were permanently deleted.
> 
> She had been completely brutally honest about all details I've asked, except she won't tell me his name.
> 
> Seeing those videos I'd like it just happened. I'm so depressed. My question should I tell my wifei found them? Or suck it up and deal with it?


Just an observation.

Seeing her with a **** (not yours) in her mouth would be 10x worse than seeing her getting banged.

At least when she's getting banged, there's something in it for her. I've told my wife that if she really wants to destroy me - do what your wife did.

Of course I'd recover, but it would be a long road.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Is she willing to be in your life even if she is no longer legally married to you?

I've seen a few former WS willing to be SO without legal rights. Is your WW wiling to be one?


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

She's hiding his name from you because the smile reality is that she knows that you want it and even if she didn't would have put some effort into finding it for you to help with your healing.

Actions, not words


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The one thing that you need her to do, she will not do. 

Step back and think of the implications of that.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

My ex-wife most likely thought that by keeping the identity of her ****er hidden, she would be able to save her marriage because by doing so she would not have to deal with a physical confrontation between us. She was wrong.

Your wife wants you to trust her by moving on with your marriage yet she doesn't trust you with the identity of her former lover? What is wrong with this picture?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm curious, since some are pointing out the chat room anonymity aspect, why must the others who disagree assume they kept their pretend names when they met? I'm asking because people are highly upset, creating all types of assumptive scenarios, at anyone suggesting she may know her AP's real name.


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## Pob (Jan 7, 2016)

Somewhat similar experience here. My wife had a serious EA 5 years go. It hurt tremendously, it was with a mutual friend, and when I posted here just about everyone felt it was undoubtedly physical. For 5y I explained how I felt , tried to get answers, she does not communicate well but would always ask what can I do to make things better. Nothing helped. It is now too late for me to get answers I want. And I'm
Not hooking her up to some lie machine. She told
Me
Nothing physical for 5y, so that's it. If your wife says no name for 5y. That's it. Forget it. No name. And really. Isn't it her actions that count? Who gives a flying what his name was if he's out of picture. 

So, 5y later I had my own emotional affair. It rocked her world for a bit. But then, and only then, did she understand. Since then our relationship has been on the absolute on the burner for her and we are better 

Point is. You may need to go and perform for a lady friend on video, and your wife can find it as you did. 

From
What I learned, this is exactly what id do. If you can take it, she should too. I'd she can't. Move on. 

I am a firm believer now in equal relationships. 

Some
May not agree. But your relationship is your own unique experience. No two are alike. Figure out what works for you. 

Maybe you should make a video of her performing on you every day. That'll get the other crap experience out of your head. If she won't oblige. She doesn't know your pain. And you need to get work. 

Hear me ?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Pob said:


> She told Me Nothing physical for 5y, so that's it.


Like "babes in the wood".:smile2:

What ever you need to tell yourself to get through the day I guess.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Honestly, I feel something triggered him more than the videos. If she has done everything right, as you claim, for 5 years what's the deeper issue? Who do you think it is and do you believe you know the person? Yes, the videos are an awful way to trigger, but it feels like you are holding some suspicions back.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

ljigair said:


> 5 years ago I found two short videos, and a lot of detailed sexting, of my wife having sex with some random guy she met in a chat room. From what I could piece together he singled her out and worked her for months to groom her to met him. I confronted her and she denied denied denied until I showed her the video of her face with a penis in her mouth that clearly was not mine. We came very close to divorce the papers were drawn. She broke off the affair immediately, that same day I confronted her. Just before the papers were signed she asked if we could try. I do believe this is over. She had agreed to leave the marriage with nothing, no money no property and her bills for CC. My problem? I can't forgetthe movie that runs in my head on a continuous loop. To make matters worse today I found an email file of the two videos I honestly thought were permanently deleted.
> 
> 
> She had been completely brutally honest about all details I've asked, except she won't tell me his name.
> ...



Fvck no....you keep those videos.....so if you do divorce and people ask why including her parents....make them a fresh copy of it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why do you want to know his name?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

morituri said:


> Is she willing to be in your life even if she is no longer legally married to you?
> 
> I've seen a few former WS willing to be SO without legal rights. Is your WW wiling to be one?


Mine was willing to do that. Which is a big reason why we're doing R. She backed out of the lawyer, I had all my paper work and got what I wanted. Custody of our son.

We're still getting better and getting counseling and therapy. We read relationship books too.


This part is to everyone:
Maybe she REALLY DOESN'T know the guys name.
When I was single and doing one-night stands, etc. I rarely bothered with last names. There are those who I didn't even know or remember their first names.

If I look back at the women I dated 5+ years ago, I couldn't tell you most of their last names. A few. The ones who are really JUST friends with me today, I know their last name because it shows up on Facebook, and even then - I don't bother trying to remember.

I'd say, let it go. Hell, she could have just made up a name to get you to drop it.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Oh... the thing with Mind-Movies. I never thought about them much... and after the affair blew up in my face and I came here and see other people talking about it... UGH!

Yeah, I'd have panic attacks thinking about her making "love" to the OM... and living a life without me. Man, I hated those. I've almost thrown up because of those.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

TaDor said:


> I'd say, let it go. Hell, she could have just made up a name to get you to drop it.


My advise to her would be to find some single, age appropriate, guy that kicked the bucket a couple or three years ago to stop the belly aching.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Bull **** they were in contact for months, she was comfortable making a video....she knows him......I would tell her I do not believe she did not know where he worked, lived or his name. They most likely have friends in common. I would poly with that questions. See how she reacts.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> They most likely have friends in common.


That would be my guess.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> My advise to her would be to find some single, age appropriate, guy that kicked the bucket a couple or three years ago to stop the belly aching.


Kicking her butt to the curb would have stopped the bellyaching cold.

There needs to be a TAM sticky handed out with every wedding on the initial steps to take on Dday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She may not know his name but I bet she could provide enough information to find the guy. He lurks on forums and gets together with women in OP's area to have sex. It can't be that hard to track him down. Maybe now after 5 years it wouldn't be so easy, but certainly at first it would have been pretty simple. Google usernames and emails, search the kinds of forums or game sites he frequented for anyone using those emails or usernames.

The fact is she resisted helping OP find the guy. She didn't offer to do "Everything Possible" to help. Instead, she blockaded.

For me it would be a BFD, but regardless of how any of us read it, knowing the OM's identity is a big deal to OP. Her actions of stonewalling any attempt to find out are a problem. And now it still eats away at OP not knowing the guy's identity.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

ljigair said:


> Our youngest graduates HS this year our oldest is in college.


Things change when the kids finally get out of the house. You suddenly don't have that reason (or excuse) to put up with things which were unacceptable. Imagine this: you had no kids and were young when you discovered your wife cheated. Most likely you would have divorced her. But because of the kids and all the complications involved, you didn't.

It is ok to change your mind on staying with her. Even if she is now the perfect wife, what was done cannot be erased. It is ok if after these 5 years you decide what happened was too much.

There's a reason the divorce rate spikes for couples when the kids graduate high school.




ljigair said:


> What really hurts, besides the obvious, is we met as teenagers and we were each other's first and I thought only. I was always proud of that. Now she's been with another man and I constantly compare myself and always wonder if I'm enough for her or that I don't measure up (yeah he was huge, it's a guy thing I guess)


Ahh, I forgot to reply to this one earlier. My wife was my first, but I was not hers. There is a different mindset when you've only been with one. Your insecurities or worries are common. How do I measure up (in all ways) to other men? Another question might be what does she know that you don't, in terms of what it is like to have been with multiple lovers. Almost like you're missing something. For me, I know being with another woman will never be the same. It may be much better, but it will never be the same. In some ways it is naturally interesting to think of being with other women, but still I find it a pressure against divorce more than a draw towards divorce.

There's really no answer or antidote to her now having been with someone other than you. It just is. On top of the rest of the permanent crap which results from her cheating, this is one additional layer. People will tell you it doesn't matter she's been with another, because she has chosen you and from your reports she is now a devoted wife.

But the triggers will be worse for you when they happen, which is evidenced by this thread. You brought up the issue of being each others' firsts and how this other guy looked big. I bet most days before this trigger it was not something you thought about.

I think it is ok to report to your wife how you feel about it. Not to punish her, but so she knows how you feel and how it has affected you. If you're in IC or MC you may want to explore this a bit.


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> Kristin does raise a goid point. She shouldnt be protecting her AP.


Yes, but it's been 5 years.

If he didn't get the name then, then what is he going to do now but even stalk him and get in trouble.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

TaDor said:


> This part is to everyone:
> Maybe she REALLY DOESN'T know the guys name.


Maybe she REALLY DOES know the guy's name. It is reason I asked why it is so important. I am wondering if he has an idea of who and it has bothered him for these 5 years.


Thor hit the other side as well. An empty nest will also make people reassess their choices.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Kicking her butt to the curb would have stopped the bellyaching cold.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Betrayed men here generally come in two sizes. You have the size that either replaces the old model with a newer model or occasionally overhauls the old model and drives her, being relatively happy with their decision. Or you have the size that desperately hangs on the old model and continues to dwell on and complain about how bad it hurt and not being able to get over being left stuck beside the road.


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## Pob (Jan 7, 2016)

Just had to say I think what Phoenix wrote above has to be about the funniest and most accurate big picture description on this site! Thx for the laugh.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> I'm not buying that she doesn't know his last name, she is protecting him. If she has his cell phone number or e-mail his full name and address can be had for free or less than $5.


How can you have a true and full reconciliation if she is still holding back information? The reason you are still hurting - one of them - is she is still lying and protecting her AP. 

You in fact are not in R but in limbo - IMHO

One last question - aren't you curious about what else there is out there besides your unfaithful wife?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Thankfully, I had no video to deal with. However, my ex-wife cheated on me for years. It took 16 years to find out that she had cheated while we were engaged and that confession coincided with a BSed confession of a so-called one time mistake in the 90s. I was devastated and thought my life ended. I was destroyed that I did not process things properly at all. It took 8 more years to finally get the full confession (OK, who knows, but way more than enough). It turns out that she had been cheating for at least 8 years. How did I get the name which she had refused to give to me?

By lying to her. I told her I knew his name, had had him tracked down by a private eye. that if she didn't speak his name to me, we were getting a divorce immediately and i was telling everyone she knows of her wh0ring ways.

That got the name out of her lying face.

Even so, our marriage was now dead, now that i knew what she was capable of. It just took me more time to finally dump her.

I am glad i did but I regret having taken so, so , so long to do it.

Whatever your course of action, the truth will set you free. Insist on it.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

michzz said:


> Thankfully, I had no video to deal with. However, my ex-wife cheated on me for years. It took 16 years to find out that she had cheated while we were engaged and that confession coincided with a BSed confession of a so-called one time mistake in the 90s. I was devastated and thought my life ended. I was destroyed that I did not process things properly at all. It took 8 more years to finally get the full confession (OK, who knows, but way more than enough). It turns out that she had been cheating for at least 8 years. How did I get the name which she had refused to give to me?
> 
> By lying to her. I told her I knew his name, had had him tracked down by a private eye. that if she didn't speak his name to me, we were getting a divorce immediately and i was telling everyone she knows of her wh0ring ways.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, for some people, this kind of wisdom has to be lived to be learned.

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward."

I believe the OP and many others on here will have to live and learn through the pain of finally getting/seeing the truth.

The above was not said upon a high horse either. It also took me a while become wise to my ex's ways back then. Not 5 years, but longer than a care to admit.

So live it, learn it, and become wiser from it all.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> The one thing that you need her to do, she will not do.
> 
> Step back and think of the implications of that.


Sorry Bandit, but I have to put my two cents in on this. The advice the OP has been given by most of TAM is that he divorce his wife unless she tells him the name of the bastard she had the affair with.

Now look at this from her point of view: if she really doesn't know his real name, she's screwed because she can't do what the OP is demanding.

In other words, she's either guilty or screwed.

On the other hand the OP seems to have been doing well with reconciliation until the old videos were discovered in a dusty corner of his computer. If he'd never discovered them, he'd not have posted here and he and his wife would be going on with their lives.

But he did discover him. He came here to ask for help. Did he get any help? Most of the advice was to tell him that his wife was lying (though how folks know that is beyond me) and that he needed to dump her right away.

But the OP already knew he had that choice. He came here to find out if there was any possibility that the videos were old and not new. There was very little discussion of that because most of us assumed that the videos were old.

What we should have done was to try to reassure the OP and help him in his, dare I say the word, reconciliation. Instead the majority here went against the stated guidelines of TAM and have attempted to destroy the OP's marriage on the basis that they KNOW that his wife is lying.

Just my two cents.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LOL "Most of TAM" is advising he let this go as she is doing everything right, but the name.You should stop exaggerating because you hate divorce, you generalize so bad it gets ridiculous.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Op I am sorry you have to live with this.

I am no techie but if you can clip a face from a video or have a pic, you could set up a fake facebook page (call him Eric T. Whormonger),(maybe try linkedin too?), and see if his picture gets tagged somewhere else with a name. Also do a Google image search with it.

"He lived with the pain" is a sad epitaph for your life, I truly hope ultimately this does not define you.

Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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