# Help....



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Over the 4 years H and I have been together he has lied about various things. I guess like nothing major, more so having to do with his ex-w, and her "telling" him when and how often he's getting his kids etc. He and I have talked, worked out together, a schedule that would work for us so we'd have alone time as well as family time. The schedule we agreed on isn't strict and we have the kids at times more than the schedule. 

I've stressed over and over again, that I can not tolerate the lying and it all needed to stop. 

I find out today that his ex told him that she wanted to him to get the kids earlier than usual today and that she wants him to have them every weekend and various days during the week. 

H tells me last night that he's working today. 6am til 3 pm, then he's going to get his kids as usual. He texts me from work @ noon that he had to run a few towns over for a work matter then he'd text me when he was back in town. He CALLED me after the text told me the same thing. Then at 3 he texts me to say he was leaving work to go get the kids. Only at that time, he had been done working since noon and had gone and got his kids and drove around for a few hours before coming home. I found this out because his son, unknowingly told me the truth. 

I'll admit, I have a very hard time with his kids. It has been a big struggle for me because they are so needy and mine are independent. I'm perfectly fine with them coming the every other weekend (with the exception of special events that we have them more, Father's Day, birthdays, family cook outs etc) and H goes during the week at least one time to see them. 

We all, including his ex, agreed on and worked up this schedule. H and I have our every other night talks and this sometimes comes up as a topic to touch on and see if it's all still good and he says it is, he's perfectly happy with it. So why is he lying to me? If there's nothing I can't stand more and that's a liar. 

His kids (11 & 9) share a bedroom w/my 14 year old daughter. This is all we have right now, because my house is so small that there are no other options. I feel badly as it is already that my daughter has to share her room and now he thinks, because his ex feels he needs to have the kids more.....that he needs to do it. 

We've been planning to sell my house and buy a larger home together but now I'm not so sure I want to. 

Help me.....what do I do? I know this is what I married into and I do accept his kids, but isn't there some sort of thing where he and I are married and we NEED alone time for ourselves?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

He's dead wrong for lying. He should just tell you he's picking them up early.

Reading this thread, and one other you had posted, I think that maybe he'd like more time with his kids. But perhaps he feels he can't have that without being a little secretive about it. 

No offense but my time between my daughter and I was laid out in a court room as an agreement between my ex, the court and I. Anyone else was and is secondary to that. My current wife has never been part of any agreements between my ex and I about time, or anything else I didn't ask her advise on. Her an I would communicate and then I would come to a decision about my child and work it out with my ex. At no time did my wife, previous girlfriends, etc, have any communication with my ex about when I would or would not be having time with her.

It is unfortunate that the children have to share a room together. But not as unfortunate as children not having their father's time for 50% of the time.

I applaud his ex for wanting for him to have more time with the children they share.

As parents we don't get alone time unless we have a sitter or creative scheduling like slumber parties, etc. Consider for a moment how you would get alone time vs parenting/family time if all the children were yours and his together with no ex's involved. I don't know about you, but before my divorce alone time meant we paid someone, dropped dd off at gram's or she was at a slumber party. Your husband is the father to those two children and not a sitter. His ex isn't a sitter either.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why does he feel the need to lie? What did he say when you brought it up? It sounds like he is conflict avoidant - hence the driving around.

It's up to you, but I certainly can't condone putting up with a liar. He & his ex are dictating you and your daughter's lives. BTW, your daughter is a saint to put up with being invaded by two other kids (and this has been going on for 4 years?). Bet she can't wait 'til she graduates. Good thing her dad doesn't have a problem with it.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Malpheous said:


> He's dead wrong for lying. He should just tell you he's picking them up early.
> 
> Reading this thread, and one other you had posted, I think that maybe he'd like more time with his kids. But perhaps he feels he can't have that without being a little secretive about it.
> 
> ...


I think if H and I had 'ordinary' ex's, things would be a lot easier. Both our ex's are self centered and manipulative. H has told me many times that if his ex had her way he would be at her beck and call regarding anything (car repairs, money, kids etc.) For instance, she once told H that he had to take the kids every weekend because she was "involved with someone and trying to make the relationship work." Well, hello, H and I are, too. Another example, she once told H that her Grandma was dying, going into Hospice and she needed to be with her, so he want to get the kids for the weekend. He later found out that she went to the casino that weekend! 

I agree that if the kids were all ours w/no ex's involved and we needed a night out, we would have to make plans for a sitter. I feel H's ex should do the same. She should make her personal plans for when the kids are in our care. H and I have missed out on a lot of events/invites/parties, because it's our time with all the kids. We don't make couples type plans when it's a family weekend. We could attend every invite we get and use the same excuses she does and bring the kids home early etc, but we don't, we respect 'her time', she should respect our time. H's ex is the type person where you give an inch, she takes a mile. My ex is the same way. 

H's ex is a spoiled brat who lives with her mom and sadly takes full advantage of her. Mom though, has created this monster because she allows it. So, with that, I feel that there has to be a line drawn in all situations. There was really no agreement set in their divorce but that there is agreed upon, 'reasonable visitation' based on work schedules, activities, etc. 

I think the biggest issue I have is when H communicates with me for more time...but says that it's because ex and her mom want this/that. Frankly, I don't much care for what they want/need. Their personal wants/needs aren't my concern, nor should it be my H's. 

Whatever the case, H and I talked and he made it clear that despite what his ex and her mother want, he wants more time with the kids now that school is out and together we are arranging it. No more lies. *Hopefully*


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Why does he feel the need to lie? What did he say when you brought it up? It sounds like he is conflict avoidant - hence the driving around.
> 
> It's up to you, but I certainly can't condone putting up with a liar. He & his ex are dictating you and your daughter's lives. BTW, your daughter is a saint to put up with being invaded by two other kids (and this has been going on for 4 years?). Bet she can't wait 'til she graduates. Good thing her dad doesn't have a problem with it.



Conflict avoider indeed! 

I have brought this up to my H also, that while HIS concern is his kids well being (which I support), my concern is my kids well being. So, if he feels and agrees w/ his ex that his kids should be at our home every weekend, then HE needs to find other sleeping arrangements because I'm not making my daughter give up her room entirely. 

We called a family meeting over the weekend and asked all kids how they felt about the current arrangements. Did anyone feel it's too much time, not enough time etc. H's kids said they were happy with the amount of time they have with their dad. My kids said they're happy with the amount of time everyone is together. Not too much, not too little. My daughter then spoke up and said "I'm getting older and I want my privacy. While I know we're working on that with selling this house, if I had to share my bedroom every weekend, I wouldn't be happy." 

It's funny you say H and his ex are dictating mine and my daughters lives. My ex is SO much like H's ex that when she opens her mouth about what should happen, I instantly get mad! It brings up bad feelings of what I lived for 26 years and one of the reasons I divorced! Like I'm going to allow her to tell me what is going to happen. 

As for my ex being okay with the arrangements, luckily he goes along with what I feel is acceptable for our kids. Sadly though, he doesn't come around much. Just recently he has designated Friday's as his day to spend with the kids. This day was initiated because my daughter flat out asked him why he doesn't come around. 

So, anyway...I like that statement you made about my ex being good with it. I will bring that scenario to my H. Just as a 'what if.' I will bet though that H will say that he'd just take his kids and go someplace (hotel) and stay the weekend, if my ex had a problem with daughter sharing her room. And I'd be damned if I am footing a bill for weekend hotel stays solely because of what he and his ex want!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why can't you split weekends? It isn't fair that his ex gets every weekend off and you have to be saddled with extra kids every weekend to where you can't have anything going on with just your kids. He needs to put his foot down - who is he married to, anyway?


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Why can't you split weekends? It isn't fair that his ex gets every weekend off and you have to be saddled with extra kids every weekend to where you can't have anything going on with just your kids. He needs to put his foot down - who is he married to, anyway?


I stand firm on H's kids coming every other weekend! I feel confident that H knows where I stand on this and is in agreement. His ex is pushing for it and I'm saying no! I've even told H if he has a problem saying no, them let me tell her! I get that he feels caught in the middle, and yes, it's about his kids...I get it, but it's coming from his ex! 
I asked H this weekend who he's married to. He of course said he's married to me. So I told him that he needs to make it perfectly clear to his ex and her mother, that he stands beside me and our wants as a couple and then as a family. 
My thought is if everyone in OUR household is happy and has everything they need and some of what they want....wth let anyone disrupt that?!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I feel sorry for the poor kids - sounds to me like their parents will now be arguing about who HAS to take care of them, rather who GETS to take care of them 

I get where you're coming from, I really do - my daughter and her boyfriend have an 18 month old and he has two older kids from a previous relationship. His ex seems to want them to take the kids more than half the time, and more weekends. My daughter isn't thrilled with having to mother two extra high energy boys on top of her own, but she would NEVER think of telling their dad that he wasn't ALLOWED to take them. She knew the boys were a part of his life when they got together, and that's part of the deal. If it happens a bit more than she'd like, she's OK with that overall, because it's what's best for the KIDS.

Really, I think that if you aren't willing to look at it from that perspective, then you shouldn't be with someone who HAS kids.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

As for the lying - well, he's doing that because HE wants to see his kids but YOU'RE telling him he can't. So he has to sneak around to do it. Sad, really.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> I feel sorry for the poor kids - sounds to me like their parents will now be arguing about who HAS to take care of them, rather who GETS to take care of them
> 
> I get where you're coming from, I really do - my daughter and her boyfriend have an 18 month old and he has two older kids from a previous relationship. His ex seems to want them to take the kids more than half the time, and more weekends. My daughter isn't thrilled with having to mother two extra high energy boys on top of her own, but she would NEVER think of telling their dad that he wasn't ALLOWED to take them. She knew the boys were a part of his life when they got together, and that's part of the deal. If it happens a bit more than she'd like, she's OK with that overall, because it's what's best for the KIDS.
> 
> Really, I think that if you aren't willing to look at it from that perspective, then you shouldn't be with someone who HAS kids.


Yes, I knew kids were all a part of the package as well as H knew that asking me to marry him, meant making time for us. If we spend every weekend with his kids here, that also means that we (as a couple) go nowhere or do anything alone. And the reason why is because he doesn't want to take time away from his kids. I totally get it AND respect it. So, that being the case, when is there time for him and I to do anything as a couple? To rekindle and keep our marriage alive? 

I know first hand that if a marriage isn't maintained that it'll fall apart. If H and I can't get it right, then none of this matters anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> As for the lying - well, he's doing that because HE wants to see his kids but YOU'RE telling him he can't. So he has to sneak around to do it. Sad, really.


I've never told him he can't see his kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LadybugMomma said:


> I totally get it AND respect it. So, that being the case, when is there time for him and I to do anything as a couple? To rekindle and keep our marriage alive?


That's what babysitters are for.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

LadybugMomma said:


> I've never told him he can't see his kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe not in so many words, but he gets the picture, believe me.

You keep asking when you and he get to have time together. Well, news flash - people with kids don't GET a lot of time alone together. Ever. They have to plan for it and make arrangements to do it. That's just the way it is, and you're putting your husband in an impossible situation.

Like I said, I really don't think you should be with someone who has kids unless you're willing to take the entire package.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Maybe not in so many words, but he gets the picture, believe me.
> 
> You keep asking when you and he get to have time together. Well, news flash - people with kids don't GET a lot of time alone together. Ever. They have to plan for it and make arrangements to do it. That's just the way it is, and you're putting your husband in an impossible situation.
> 
> Like I said, I really don't think you should be with someone who has kids unless you're willing to take the entire package.


I have children of my own. I'm not new to this parenting thing. I know what it's like to never have time to yourself. All I'm saying is that I don't feel H and I shouldn't HAVE to give up every single weekend because his EX is "trying to make a life" or wants to go to the casino or whatever her wishes are. She's a mom as well and she too should know that her alone time is few and far between.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes she should, but it sounds to me like you're letting your resentment towards her cloud your feelings about your husbands kids and what's really best for them. Yes she's being a selfish b!tch, but again, your husband spending time with his kids shouldn't be something he feels he has to do on the down-low. And I think he feels that way because of your attitude. 

At the end of the day (GOD I hate that expression, don't you?) if neither you nor their dad nor their mom WANT the kids around, where does that leave them? How are they going to feel? Every kid should be made to feel wanted and loved, and I just can't see that happening in this situation.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Yes she should, but it sounds to me like you're letting your resentment towards her cloud your feelings about your husbands kids and what's really best for them. Yes she's being a selfish b!tch, but again, your husband spending time with his kids shouldn't be something he feels he has to do on the down-low. And I think he feels that way because of your attitude.
> 
> At the end of the day (GOD I hate that expression, don't you?) if neither you nor their dad nor their mom WANT the kids around, where does that leave them? How are they going to feel? Every kid should be made to feel wanted and loved, and I just can't see that happening in this situation.


If all five of our combined children were born to H and I and he and I wanted a night out, we would make arrangements for a sitter. 

In the event my step children were with us for a weekend and H and I had something we had/wanted to attend, we also, would arrange to have someone sit with the kids while we attended. We wouldn't go and drop the kids back off with her while we did what we had to do. We respect her alone time, and I feel she needs to respect ours. 

The kids know when they will and won't be with us. We've talked to them and asked what THEY felt about the arrangements and the kids are happy. 

So I just feel that on the weekends when H's ex has the kids and she feels she needs time away, then SHE should make arrangements as we would. 

Whatever the case. We have agreed to having the kids every Friday for the summer, from early morning til after dinner which gives H's ex and her mother more time to do whatever it is they want to do or nothing at all.

Edited to add: ^^ I'm not a completely heartless *****.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

I'm with Hope on this one...

I get the impression that your husband would like to have the kids more, but is accommodating your desires for alone time and avoiding the conflict of having to renegotiate the schedule with you since you are firm on the every other weekend.

He may have stated he was happy with the current schedule (which may actually mean he's happy that he doesn't have the kids less...it may not mean he doesn't want them more often).

Have you asked him if he'd like the kids more often? Would you support him in having them more if that is what he desires?


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

sdrawkcab said:


> I'm with Hope on this one...
> 
> I get the impression that your husband would like to have the kids more, but is accommodating your desires for alone time and avoiding the conflict of having to renegotiate the schedule with you since you are firm on the every other weekend.
> 
> ...


Regardless of what his ex and her mom want, he has stated that he would like to have them more, now that school is out and yes, I have honored that request. We will have them every Friday, work schedules allowing. This was his request. I didn't intervene in any way, shape or form. I told him to tell me what he'd like, to tell me what would make HIM happy. That's what he came back with, I respected it and it's happening. 

I'm sure it doesn't matter but I'll put it out there anyway. I have always been open and honest from the very beginning of our relationship to H regarding my wants/needs in a relationship, which regarded regular alone time with him. He always assured me that it wasn't a problem and that he could/would accommodate.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

It sounds like it does matter...for you and for him...

Having the children more often does not preclude alone time. It just takes an open mind and understanding that you need to foster your marriage and having enough alone time to nurture your relationship. 

Often people (especially us in remarriages) hang onto this guilt and think nurturing the marriage is at the expense of the kids...which, IMO is a huge lie we tell ourselves.

Kids like stability which includes emotional stability. A marriage needs at least 15 hours of undivided attention per week between the partners to maintain that.

I hope you and your husband can figure out the right balance for each other and all of the kids involved.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

LadybugMomma said:


> I think if H and I had 'ordinary' ex's, things would be a lot easier. Both our ex's are self centered and manipulative. H has told me many times that if his ex had her way he would be at her beck and call regarding anything (car repairs, money, kids etc.) For instance, she once told H that he had to take the kids every weekend because she was "involved with someone and trying to make the relationship work." Well, hello, H and I are, too. Another example, she once told H that her Grandma was dying, going into Hospice and she needed to be with her, so he want to get the kids for the weekend. He later found out that she went to the casino that weekend!
> 
> I agree that if the kids were all ours w/no ex's involved and we needed a night out, we would have to make plans for a sitter. I feel H's ex should do the same. She should make her personal plans for when the kids are in our care. H and I have missed out on a lot of events/invites/parties, because it's our time with all the kids. We don't make couples type plans when it's a family weekend. We could attend every invite we get and use the same excuses she does and bring the kids home early etc, but we don't, we respect 'her time', she should respect our time. H's ex is the type person where you give an inch, she takes a mile. My ex is the same way.
> 
> ...


I took every advantage of my ex "dumping" my daughter on me early on. So much so, that I started offering ahead of time. Little things like 'Hey did you hear about this thing coming up? I can take DD for that weekend.' Then I documented every extra minute. Every time I covered down for a doctor's appointment. Didn't matter in DD's eyes. She saw me taking care of her. In court it got me primary physical and legal custody with an 80/20 tilt on parenting time. Almost a full reversal of my starting point. 

I kept all interactions about my daughter though. 'My car needs... ' was answered with, "That's unfortunate."


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

LadybugMomma said:


> I have children of my own. I'm not new to this parenting thing. I know what it's like to never have time to yourself. All I'm saying is that I don't feel H and I shouldn't HAVE to give up every single weekend because his EX is "trying to make a life" or wants to go to the casino or whatever her wishes are. She's a mom as well and she too should know that her alone time is few and far between.


What does it say on the divorce agreement, that he gets the kids every other weekend? You should make H's X stick to that. If she wants you and your H to have them more than that, you should be able to charge her for that. Just doing whatever she says to do is not fair to you or your daughter and your H should fight for that.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

sdrawkcab said:


> It sounds like it does matter...for you and for him...
> 
> Having the children more often does not preclude alone time. It just takes an open mind and understanding that you need to foster your marriage and having enough alone time to nurture your relationship.
> 
> ...


And this is why I say I stand firm on the every other weekend schedule! When my step kids are at our home, we focus our attention strictly to family. Family meaning, H and I and all our children. H will not go anywhere nor do anything alone while his kids are with us. It's his (our) time with them and I don't expect him to give up that time for me. He works and I work. Sometimes he has to stay later at his job and that cuts into the possibilities of together time. Plus, I have kids of my own that I still tend to as well. I want to do things with them too as H wants to do things with his. If we spent every weekend tending to kids...when would we ever make time for ourselves? So, is it wrong for me to want/need every other weekend that frees up H completely so he and I can have alone time to keep our marriage intact?


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Malpheous said:


> I took every advantage of my ex "dumping" my daughter on me early on. So much so, that I started offering ahead of time. Little things like 'Hey did you hear about this thing coming up? I can take DD for that weekend.' Then I documented every extra minute. Every time I covered down for a doctor's appointment. Didn't matter in DD's eyes. She saw me taking care of her. In court it got me primary physical and legal custody with an 80/20 tilt on parenting time. Almost a full reversal of my starting point.
> 
> I kept all interactions about my daughter though. 'My car needs... ' was answered with, "That's unfortunate."


If my H ever decided that he wanted to file for full custody of his kids, I would support him. Yes, they would be in our care full time then and in that case we would arrange for a sitter (like normal people do) for times when we took alone time. 

I often asked why he felt he had to do the things (not pertaining to his kids) that his ex requested of him and he said it was "for the kids." H has finally stopped feeling the need to help his ex with anything else that doesn't pertain to his kids. It took a bit but he has.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

sdrawkcab said:


> It sounds like it does matter...for you and for him...
> 
> *Having the children more often does not preclude alone time. It just takes an open mind and understanding that you need to foster your marriage and having enough alone time to nurture your relationship.*
> 
> ...


OP- you chose to highlight and focus in on something I said to support your position of only having his kids every other weekend. However, you did not seem to see your part in having an open mind in how you can accomplish alone time with kids present. 

You seem stuck in your position and failing to consider the interests of all involved (you, your husband, and your kids)...

you may find your husband feeling more and more isolated if he's having to choose between you and his kids.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> What does it say on the divorce agreement, that he gets the kids every other weekend? You should make H's X stick to that. If she wants you and your H to have them more than that, you should be able to charge her for that. Just doing whatever she says to do is not fair to you or your daughter and your H should fight for that.


There is no visitation agreement in their divorce. It only states that there be "reasonable visitation," and parents are to come up with a schedule based on circumstances, work schedules etc.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

LadybugMomma said:


> There is no visitation agreement in their divorce. It only states that there be "reasonable visitation," and parents are to come up with a schedule based on circumstances, work schedules etc.


Doggone, that's too bad. But reasonable visitation could be taken to mean that every weekend is too much and that she should share in that time more than she is now. If your H is going to agree with her on that and keep taking the his whenever his ex says to do it, that doesn't do you any good either. I think you're going to have to get tough with him eventually to make his ex do her share. Your daughter shouldn't have to share her room with one of his son's.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

sdrawkcab said:


> OP- you chose to highlight and focus in on something I said to support your position of only having his kids every other weekend. However, you did not seem to see your part in having an open mind in how you can accomplish alone time with kids present.
> 
> You seem stuck in your position and failing to consider the interests of all involved (you, your husband, and your kids)...
> 
> you may find your husband feeling more and more isolated if he's having to choose between you and his kids.


And I have said in another post that H has told me that he wants more time with his kids (this was over the weekend) and I have honored that request. I told him to decide what he wanted and would make him happy. He opted to have them every Friday (and over to our house some nights during the week for dinner). That still frees up every other weekend, he gets his time, we get our time, my daughter doesn't have to share her room every weekend, it's giving his ex and her mom more time that they are requesting. I'm hopeful this will work.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

sdrawkcab said:


> OP- you chose to highlight and focus in on something I said to support your position of only having his kids every other weekend. However, you did not seem to see your part in having an open mind in how you can accomplish alone time with kids present.
> 
> You seem stuck in your position and failing to consider the interests of all involved (you, your husband, and your kids)...
> 
> you may find your husband feeling more and more isolated if he's having to choose between you and his kids.


And I said too that H isn't open to having alone time (understandable) when his kids when they are with us. He sees it as his (our) time and I respect that. So there isn't anyway to arrange alone time when his kids are with us.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

sdrawkcab said:


> you may find your husband feeling more and more isolated if he's having to choose between you and his kids.


This is exactly what I see the problem as. Sure it would be nice for everyone if the ex didn't try to pawn the kids off on you, but she is, and it's THE KIDS who might SAY they're fine with it, but really have no clue about your 'alone time' with their dad. In fact they probably see you as competition for his time more than anything else, with the attitude you have about it all and the fact he feels he has to sneak around to see them.

I am not saying that you're wrong here. I am not saying that you shouldn't address this with the ex wife. All I am saying is that, for the short term, you might want to reconsider the hard stance you've taken in the interest of your husband and his kids.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

OP-

I'm sorry I've come across harshly...I see a lot of myself in this situation...

I share custody of my kids with their dad. My current husband and I have quite a bit of alone time together! Yet there have been several times where my husband has lamented about how my kids take so much of my time when they are with us or implied how their presence has "cramped his style" with regard to our alone time... often I would feel very conflict avoidant with my husband regarding my kids...and feeling somewhat isolated...thankfully we took the time to REALLY talk this out....

It has been a huge evolution for us.

I can't fully speak for my husband, but for me it was removing any post-divorce guilt that said I had to spend every moment with my kids while they are with me, but rather being open to creating a family dynamic that can balance us all. 

We recently went through some growing pains when we obtained 60% custody. While it was only 10% more- it did require us to be more intentional at times and give us permission to make time for ourselves when we need it...that means that sometimes a sitter would be needed or perhaps sleepovers at a friend's house.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LadybugMomma said:


> So, is it wrong for me to want/need every other weekend that frees up H completely so he and I can have alone time to keep our marriage intact?


This is such an odd concept to me, I guess because I'm not divorced, and we waited 10 years to have our daughter, and once she came, our lives revolved around her. Today, she's the most level headed, secure person because she grew up knowing 100% that she was the most important thing in our lives.

And we kept our marriage intact while still raising her. We never got time away from her except one week a year when she stayed with my mom in the summer.

And like I said, that's what babysitters are for. You want 'together' time? Get a babysitter and go out! But don't kick the kids out for the whole weekend.

That said, I do understand the desire to have time alone with your own kids vs the step kids. I guess it's never an easy decision.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> This is exactly what I see the problem as. Sure it would be nice for everyone if the ex didn't try to pawn the kids off on you, but she is, and it's THE KIDS who might SAY they're fine with it, but really have no clue about your 'alone time' with their dad. In fact they probably see you as competition for his time more than anything else, with the attitude you have about it all and the fact he feels he has to sneak around to see them.
> 
> I am not saying that you're wrong here. I am not saying that you shouldn't address this with the ex wife. All I am saying is that, for the short term, you might want to reconsider the hard stance you've taken in the interest of your husband and his kids.


I understand everything you're saying and I see your point. We have come up with a new arrangement that gives H more time with his kids, his ex and her mom get more free time and my daughter doesn't have to give up her room every weekend. Hopefully this will work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I hope so too


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

sdrawkcab said:


> OP-
> 
> I'm sorry I've come across harshly...I see a lot of myself in this situation...
> 
> ...


Eh, no harm done. I know this is a situation where people feel one way or another on the topic. There isn't one specific way that works for every family. I can be very flexible, but I also have my boundaries. I understand this situation isn't just about me and my wants, but everyone's involved. I do know though that if H and I can't get AND keep it right....no one will have to worry about anything except healing the broken hearts of everyone involved, over another failed marriage. I don't want that. 

Thanks for your input in the matter. It's not an easy task.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

turnera2 said:


> This is such an odd concept to me, I guess because I'm not divorced, and we waited 10 years to have our daughter, and once she came, our lives revolved around her. Today, she's the most level headed, secure person because she grew up knowing 100% that she was the most important thing in our lives.
> 
> And we kept our marriage intact while still raising her. We never got time away from her except one week a year when she stayed with my mom in the summer.
> 
> ...


It's not an easy decision. I've said it before and I'll say it again, that this has been the biggest challenge in my life ever. And H won't leave his kids ever in the weekend because it's his time with them and I understand that and respect that. If I took the stance with my kids that he does with his and devote all my time with my kids where/how would we make it work? My first marriage failed for many reasons, one being that we didn't really make time for each other but were (me mainly) so focused on our kids that we fell apart. 

I'm not looking for you to answer or solve the situation...I'm just speaking out loud at this point. Thank you for your views on the topic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you read His Needs Her Needs, you'll learn that you need to spend 10 to 15 hours a week with your spouse, to stay in love. And of course the first thing people say is 'but we have kids! how can we ever accomplish that?!!'

I used to have a list - lost it on one of my computers - of things you can do to 'date' your spouse without investing a ton of time. Things like get up 15 minutes earlier than the kids and have a cup of coffee or tea together before you leave for work. Set up a jigsaw puzzle in the living room, and every time you have a spare 5 minutes, just sit down and work on it together. Start a veggie garden and, each night, go out and weed it and pick veggies together. Fold towels together. Wash the dog together. Fill out a crossword puzzle together. Have family game night each week. Walk the dog twice a week and just talk. Make sure you text or call each other at least twice a day. Join a babysitting co-op so you have a have one night a month free while the other nights you play with the kids over at your house. 

Be creative. You can find ways to be close and together and even intimate, even with kids around.


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