# What's wrong with me?



## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Hey everyone,

Something has been on my mind for quite some time. I love life and the universe and while this doesn't make me sad, I still think about it from time to time and wonder if there is anything I can do to improve (although I realize we are all unique and perfectly imperfect). 
I don't know what it is, but something about the way I carry myself seems to put women off. 

At first I thought it was my posture and health so I've corrected that by staying on top of it, eating healthy and doing daily exercise. I've lost considerable weight and gained lots of muscle. I don't have a beer belly and almost have a 6 pack (excited!!). I'm 25, white (not that it matters), have hair, don't smoke, good job, own a house, great circle of friends, etc. I am a very nice guy, and I learned how to be more alpha and extrovert (which took some practice). I've gotten many dates and for the most part I am fortunate to have had a good sex life. I don't have any fear inside nor do I get anxious around women. I can hold solid eye contact. Sometimes I think it has to do with my height (5'5) and basic biology (dominance and natural selection) and other times I think it's because I lack empathy (trouble feeling sorry for others and being sympathetic). I love to laugh and smile a lot, but my default face expression is quite cold. I've started to hang with more women to try and get to know them and take dance lessons; ultimately increasing my yin energy.

I've gotten over the height thing and I don't have any self-pity. I know I am sexy and I've had women confirm it. Other times I think, well, I am pretty busy, maybe I give off an air of impatience? Don't know... 

Then I thought well maybe it was the fact that I am kind of a goof or aloof, careless, quiet (introverted). I have lots of women friends who like these traits of mine, and I don't care what women think of me. Either they like it or don't, but I don't seek approval from them anymore (haven't in a long time).

I love women, but don't know why they treat me like **** or are usually not interested. By treat like ****, I mean ignore me completely when I ask a question or talk. I don't act negatively when that happens and give off the napoleon complex. She's not interested, fine. I am not going to waste my time on someone like that. 

I often feel like the universe is telling me I have a higher purpose and is deliberately ****blocking me to make more time for my dreams and goals. Lol. Perhaps it's the competitive environment too. There are lots of beautiful men around here. I don't know. 

I've walked past so many women who I notice do a quick scan of me then look away with a little disgust. It's not judgement or perception. I know what I see. It's pretty obvious. I have good hygiene and wear nice, fitting clothes, so I don't understand. Even when I talk to women in a non-flirtatious way, either with friends or at work, they seem to scurry as if they feel unsafe around me. 

Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I grew up watching porn. I don't feel guilt or shame from it, but perhaps I objectify more then I believe I do and women can tell. Not like I am a creep, look desperate and peep every two seconds, but yeah, I feel like something about how I carry myself turns a lot of women off instantly. 

Anyways, it seems the only women interested in me are unhealthy in some way or bbw. I believe in the laws of attraction, but you know I really don't have much negativity inside of me. I always try and view the world through the lens of love and avoid judging whenever possible. I used to think it was the girls in my city, but that's not fair. Maybe it's more of a rant then a question. Regardless, thank you for reading.

So ladies, what do you think? Any ideas? Why do I always get the cold shoulder. Despite everything I have said above, I really don't try hard and for the most part just go with the flow of life. I know everyone has their own opinions and perceptions and I can't get every woman to like me (that's ok, i'm cool with that), I'd like to make sure there is something I am not doing that could in fact be a simple answer.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

When a woman completely ignores what you say or ask, in what context would that be?

I think it must be something to do with your demeanor, mannerisms, etc. as you said, if you really think people turn away in disgust. Do you need to go to the dentist/have bad teeth? Do you stare intently at people or make no eye contact at all? Are you jumpy/jittery? (I once had a date with a very short man who was super fit but omg so jumpy/jittery I wanted to give him a Xanax). 

I'm 5'5" and when I was doing OLD, I did not want to go out with someone of that height, sorry to say. However, if I see someone in person I'm attracted to and they are that height, I don't even think twice about their height, so OLD may not be best for you (and I know that is not what this post is about). Just two nights ago I was out to dinner with my mom and a guy in the band at the bar was about my height and I thought he was quite attractive.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You have lots of threads where you mention your height but then say it isn't an issue for you. In this post above you sound very complicated, intense and yeah maybe a little self conscious. This is just a one dimensional medium but going from what you have written on TAM it comes across as you are projecting too much. Some therapy might be a good place to start, learn to just let it all go and be authentic.

Can you list in bullet form 5 of your best qualities. Don't overthink it.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

I have great teeth. No I don't stare. Often I prefer not to make any eye contact at all unless I have to. I'm comfortable with eye contact though. 

It depends on the the day. I am not jittery or jumpy, but I get passionate and excited really easily. I have a lot of enthusiasm for stuff. Generally speaking I am calm and quiet. 

I've had lots of luck with OLD, but I am not even talking about dating at all. Just generally interacting with women. In the workplace, no problem. With my lady friends, no problem. With women strangers, problem. It's like the other day in the elevator there were all these women talkign about girl stuff...and in my head I was like "shoot me now". As much as I don't want to admit it, I think I have an unhealthy and negative view of women and that's what is impacting everything. 

Yes I've mentioned height before, but lately that's not on my mind. 

Of course I am self-conscious, (but I know I rock). The reason I provided so much information was that I believe it's necessary to find an answer. Kind of like algebra. It's not that I overthink this stuff, but it frustrates me that the answers aren't obvious. 

My 5 best qualities?

-Witty/Comedic/Fun
-Deep thinker, Analytical. 
-Loyal/Trustworthy 
-Creative/Artistic 
-Persistent.
-Generally carefree/aloof.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

pragmaster said:


> I have great teeth. No I don't stare. Often I prefer not to make any eye contact at all unless I have to. I'm comfortable with eye contact though.
> 
> It depends on the the day. I am not jittery or jumpy, but I get passionate and excited really easily. I have a lot of enthusiasm for stuff. Generally speaking I am calm and quiet.
> 
> ...


I like you Prag, yes you are a deep analytical thinker. Your 6 best qualities are all fantastic, relax into them and enjoy life.

So here is the interesting thing, you are asking all of this about women that you don't even know, that apparently make you want to shoot your self (jk I know), why don't they like me?

WHO CARES? Seriously who cares what people that you don't even know think about you? 

So I will go back to my original suggestion, get some therapy and learn to relax into life and be comfortable in your own skin.

Perhaps one of your best qualities which is being a deep thinker is also one of your self sabotage qualities.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My father was 5'5 and one of the greatest men ever. He was also in good shape and had a ton of hair, and after his divorce from my mom he never had problems finding women. Even when he was dying of cancer he had three of them wanting to push him around in his wheelchair, all taller.

He was a 1950's gang member tough guy. .... but he had empathy and understood what women needed. The lacking empathy thing in my opinion is a big deal. .... women will have trouble exposing their vulnerabilities and bonding with you if they're always feeling judged, which if you can't have empathy you will be doing. 

My dad talked with my ex at length during our divorce and he told me that one of the things that struck him was that my ex had absolutely no compassion for anyone or anything. Probably why I never really felt comfortable being close to him. 

I think you should look into this more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Absolutely. You hit the nail on the head. I lack empathy. Straight up. I don't have much compassion for others. I might make an awesome dictator, but I don't want to be that. 

At times I have tried to fake it, and it's probably brutally obvious to women. When I was trying to learn for my ex-wife she'd joke and say I sound like a therapist. Lol. 

I have friends who have told me repeatedly that my facial expressions are super obvious to what I am thinking. How can I change that? 

So what does empathy look like? How do I gain it? Heck, how can I learn it? Heck, how can I fake it if I have to? 

Can women, (even if just walking past you down the street) tell if you lack empathy?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How about just not focusing on women for a while? 

Get involved in some hobbies. Read. Take up a sport. Ask for more challenges at work. Go back to school and take a night class.

Neither my husband nor I were trying to meet anyone when we met. I was pretty much trying not to meet anyone. He was deep into his work and hobbies.

The right person often comes along when you stop looking for them.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

jld said:


> How about just not focusing on women for a while?
> 
> Get involved in some hobbies. Read. Take up a sport. Ask for more challenges at work. Go back to school and take a night class.
> 
> ...


That's the thing I am struggling with. I am pretty involved with my hobbies; Music, gardening, exercise and hanging with friends. I am usually very busy every night. 

I know the right person comes along when you are not looking...but that's the thing...I get distracted very easily, so when I make the decision not to look, I end up becoming extremely introverted and anti-social. It's not fear that is holding me back from stop looking, but I have a drive to look and don't know why. It's not obsession. It's a drive and I am having trouble letting go. 

Girls, is it that obvious when a guy lacks empathy or is looking for girls? How does a guy not look for girls? When you walk past one on the street, where does he look? 

Consider me the most anti-social introvert you have ever met and I am starting from scratch.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

pragmaster said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> Something has been on my mind for quite some time. I love life and the universe and while this doesn't make me sad, I still think about it from time to time and wonder if there is anything I can do to improve (although I realize we are all unique and perfectly imperfect).
> I don't know what it is, but something about the way I carry myself seems to put women off.
> ...


Stop looking for women in Bars. Get a hobby that comes with a social community, that includes women, so that you are exposed to women who get to see who you really are over time and working together on projects, passions, or just entertainment. Maybe you suck at first impressions and I can really relate to that. 

Anyway, if you are looking for more than a one night stand, a social group is a better means to find a good match for you as well. Church, charity, educational orgs, ethnic and cultural societies, sports (e.g. crossfit) ect... Find your people - Meetup

Also, take care to be discriminating yourself. It is easy for people who feel rejected to throw too much into a bad deal.


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## SunnyWife (Aug 6, 2014)

jld said:


> How about just not focusing on women for a while?
> 
> Get involved in some hobbies. Read. Take up a sport. Ask for more challenges at work. Go back to school and take a night class.
> 
> ...


I was going to say the same thing.

Before I met my Hubby I had gone through a really rough patch and basically had taken a break from trying to meet guys. I was focused on hanging out with my girlfriends, travelling and my own hobbies and that's when Hubby came along. I have kept up that independent attitude which I find helps keep us from being "smothered" by each other.

I also think that you are taking their reactions too personally, especially from people (ladies) who don't know you at all. I doubt that there expressions are disgust -- maybe more like indifference, simply because they don't know you at all.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This thing with LACKING EMPATHY.... Ok.. Look. if I was going to meet some men.. I WOULD care a great deal about this.. EMPATHY is part of the soul.. ya know.. or should be... It's showing you have the ability to listen to someone, HEAR them.. try to imagine walking in their shoes..we have the ability to RELATE... it's a deeper sense of connection.. ..like when we are speaking to someone & we feel "they get us".. they don't come off COLD... distant... 

You speak of being enthusiastic..in what areas does this come out ?? Do you feel a connection, take a great interest in anything women are saying ?? 

MY husband is an empathetic man , very easy to talk to.. warm, engaging.. ..though he rarely has empathy for an A-hole... (basically I feel the same) though we're not going to come right out & speak this...(by this I mean people who seem to seek trouble & bring things upon themselves , reckless behavior sort of thing, drama follows them) 

Beings you are *analytical*, you're probably HIGH on the *THINKING*/ *Logical bar*.. you can't really help this... but it can take a dive on the FEELING/ relating /warmness of a personality....Have you ever taken a temperament Test??

Here is one >> post your result... Gray Wheelwright Winer (GWW) Test - Winer Foundation


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

My guess?

You seem to pride yourself on how little you care about women, what they think, what they feel. You revel in your refusal to "waste time" on them, yet brag about how much sex you're having.

Most women I know prefer men who are actually interested in them, you know, as people, with actual thoughts and feelings of their own. That are not just a "waste of time"

The whole "I'm too cool for school" thing you got going on is probably a big fat turn-off.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

To develop empathy I'd start by considering a time in your life when you really hurt. Then consider that this is how others feel for a variety of reasons. 

If you're having all this sex and don't care what women think and lack empathy you're very likely sending a message that you don't really see them as actual human beings..... more like objects to be seen and used for your pleasure but not heard. 

Is this what you intend? What sort of relationship do you envision in your fantasy scenario?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
What are your goals? If you want sex with women it seems you are succeeding. Nothing wrong with that if that is what you want.

If you want long term relationships and respect, then you have to provide respect back. What was admirable about the last woman you dated? 

Nothing says you have to seek long term relationships - it really is up to you.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Are you sure women you don't even know look away with *disgust *and you're not ogling them or making eye contact?

This seems very odd to me because, well, why would they? Even if you were unattractive, which it does not seem like you are, unless you're hitting on them, why would anyone look at a complete stranger who had not said or done anything to them, then look away with disgust? Let alone a number of strangers? Until they know you, you're not a part of their world. Especially if you have a good sex life it sounds like Women who do meet you apparently are not put off by you.

I will say that as a woman, when I was young and single I often felt like "the prey" where men were "the predators." I was not disgusted by men, but men hit on women and, as a woman, if you're not interested you're in the awkward position of having to reject them. (Some women have no problem with this but it always made me feel bad.) So if a man who was a stranger to me seemed to be considering approaching me, I might look away or just try to avoid him. But I would not be disgusted.

Also you say 1) These are not women you know and 2)They ignore you when you ask a question. 

Under what circumstance do you ask women you don't know questions? When you're just walking past them? They may perceive it as a come on and just not want to open the door to that. 

Also, a certain percentage of the population, both male and female, is just plain rude and will ignore any stranger. The higher the population density the more of this you get. 

Of course you don't mention asking strange men questions (so you are approaching them *because *they're women, which is fine, but they understand this and may be thinking "danger stranger!" regardless of your demeanor/looks. But that's just the way the world works, it's not you.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

This is what's wrong with you:




pragmaster said:


> I don't value people's time. I truly don't care, but I want to. My time, my life, me first, you know? I know I know I am not more important or better than anyone, but I know for a fact that I'd never take a bullet for someone. Your life your problem, no? I lack empathy. I could probably watch someone get hurt and try to find something funny about it. I am starting to see people can tell that I am insensitive and ruthless. Not cold (I laugh a lot and am very relaxed), but ruthless.


This is why.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

^^^^Bingo!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I agree with meson. You sound like you have sociopathic characteristics. What meson said describes my stbx. Last year when we were in counseling he told the counselor he's unable to feel love and wouldn't even be that upset to hear his own mother died. He'd be sad for a day, but then get over it.

To your question if people can tell right away if you lack empathy, no, I doubt it. Unless as you are talking to a woman, your eye is roving all over the place elsewhere to see what else is going on that you're missing. Then, maybe. I don't know why complete strangers in an elevator would look at you in disgust, though. (Maybe that is in your imagination).


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I applaud you for being so introspective. 

This may sound trite. But I think you should take up poker. You said your facial expressions give you away. You can't do that in poker unless you want to lose your shirt.

And you've got to find that empathy chip. Can you volunteer somewhere? This might help.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I agree with meson. You sound like you have sociopathic characteristics. What meson said describes my stbx. Last year when we were in counseling he told the counselor he's unable to feel love and wouldn't even be that upset to hear his own mother died. He'd be sad for a day, but then get over it.
> 
> To your question if people can tell right away if you lack empathy, no, I doubt it. Unless as you are talking to a woman, your eye is roving all over the place elsewhere to see what else is going on that you're missing. Then, maybe. I don't know why complete strangers in an elevator would look at you in disgust, though. (Maybe that is in your imagination).


Just to be clear Pragmaster said it in this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/270737-always-running-late.html#post12781369

I'm hoping that if he sees the linkage between his basic inconsideration for others and his relationship issues that will motivate him to improve and be considerate of others.

STR is right people won't necessarily notice right away but when they do they will just have little to do with you anymore without saying why. I silently remove these people from my life and that may be what he is experiencing.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Are you sure you don't have empathy, pragmaster? Is your saying that a way of protecting yourself from your own sensitivity?


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Hey everyone,

Thanks for the feedback. 

Umm. Wow. You folks are thinking into this way more then I. Hahaha. I'm just a quick typer who likes to explore every single part of the psyche. I was bored too. . I often get caught in my head and like to ramble. I really think I overreacted on this thread here now that the weed buzz has settled down. 

I have emotions people. I feel love, sadness, fear, joy, etc... Of course I'd be sad if someone I loved died. Heck, I was at a funeral last year, didn't even know the guy that well, and just because everyone in the room was sad I started getting sad. I talked to my shaman teacher the other day. She said through my training it was normal for me to be completely detached. It was the goal and I forgot. The reason for this sort of extreme detachment is that it is one of the few ways you don't take on other people's feelings. It's much easier to clear negative energy this way. I guess nvm about the empathy question. I got my answer   . I have empathy but I am just am extremely detached. It's easy to forget and when other people project their own needs and insecurities onto you. Regarding the elevator, I think it was just situation and circumstance. It's important to remember that the world is a projection of themselves. In my case, I will admit to having narcissistic tendencies. It's not all about me and that's something I am going to work on. I think I just need to accept that not everybody will like me too. I think part of me hasn't yet. 

I don't have relationship issues. I have a ton of friends with lots of great things to say about me. I believe in tough love, not that woe is me self-pity bull****. I don't think I have trouble making women friends, I think I have trouble making friends similar to my childhood friends. I need to be more patient. I keep forgetting that relationships are different when you've known someone for +20 years.

A lot of my issues regarding my perception of women stem from my relationship with my mother. She was pretty cold, not distant, but ruthless, and I am like that too. She dresses nice and all that but she is totally not a typical north american barbie. Sorry if I sound rude, but she's not into starbucks, the media crap, the whole make-up plastic bull****. She's like a woman with lots of yang energy. She's the leader of the house and not my father. Not a tomboy either, just an extremely strong woman. I like that a lot about her so much that I want a woman like that in my life, either as a friend or as a lover. I can't help but be turned off by women who seem like they are nothing like that. 

The real reason I posted all of this was to learn how I can meet random women on the street. It's always a 20 second window and it's tough to create an emotional connection in that amount of time. I have no problem meeting women through friends or social events. I am pretty engaged actually ( ha ha pun intended). I value women and love them. I don't objectify them although I know the first thing I look at is the bum (I think most guys do this). I just get extremely disinterested and bored when all they want to talk about is girly stuff. Is that sexism? I don't know. I just know what I want, and I think I am impatient, that makes me rush everywhere, plan too many things, and thus late for work and so forth.

     

Sometimes it's nice to write something and come back to it later to see the difference in perspective. Thanks everybody.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Also, just did that test. I am INTJ


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Just about 26.

My friend says I am a little too hard on myself.

Lol.

But.. one of the reasons I think I lack empathy is because ALL of my marriage I cheated on my ex-wife and didn't feel bad at all. Now that I am doing all this shamanic work, I feel some guilt. I feel like I have some karmic debt to repay. I have been a serial cheater for far too long and it's time to change that. 

Not sure where to start. Do I email my ex-wife who I haven't talked to in months, out of the blue, and tell her the entire truth? I know she'd be furious, but I don't want to live the rest of my life with this burden on my back. It seems like sooner the better. She ended up cheating on me but I still blamed the marriage on her, when really, it was my fault.

Time to man up.

Do you guys understand now? Lol.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

pragmaster said:


> Just about 26.
> 
> My friend says I am a little too hard on myself.
> 
> ...


No.

And if you need an expert opinion on this, I believe Miss Manners would say that this salacious secret is yours to keep. Don't think sharing the pain with her will get you off the hook.

FTR, did she suspect you of cheating on her? Or do you think she may have thought that?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

pragmaster said:


> A lot of my issues regarding my perception of women stem from my relationship with my mother.* She was pretty cold, not distant, but ruthless, and I am like that too. *She dresses nice and all that but she is totally not a typical north american barbie. Sorry if I sound rude, but she's not into starbucks, the media crap, the whole make-up plastic bull****. She's like a woman with lots of yang energy. She's the leader of the house and not my father. Not a tomboy either, just an extremely strong woman. I like that a lot about her so much that I want a woman like that in my life, either as a friend or as a lover. I can't help but be turned off by women who seem like they are nothing like that.
> 
> .



yup, treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen.

Does that mean that you prefer the sassy types that make you "work" in the relationship?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
You can't make any sort of connection in 20 seconds. There is some chance that a woman you find attractive will find you attractive and be happy to get a cup of coffee or something to see if there is a basis for more.

You "don't objectify them", but the first thing you do is "look at the bum"? People are amazingly good at telling where someone is looking. Look at their face - its usually the most beautiful part anyway. 

When you say you "know what you want" - what is it you want?




pragmaster said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> The real reason I posted all of this was to learn how I can meet random women on the street. It's always a 20 second window and it's tough to create an emotional connection in that amount of time. I have no problem meeting women through friends or social events. I am pretty engaged actually ( ha ha pun intended). I value women and love them. I don't objectify them although I know the first thing I look at is the bum (I think most guys do this). I just get extremely disinterested and bored when all they want to talk about is girly stuff. Is that sexism? I don't know. I just know what I want, and I think I am impatient, that makes me rush everywhere, plan too many things, and thus late for work and so forth.
> 
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> You can't make any sort of connection in 20 seconds. There is some chance that a woman you find attractive will find you attractive and be happy to get a cup of coffee or something to see if there is a basis for more.
> 
> *You "don't objectify them", but the first thing you do is "look at the bum"? People are amazingly good at telling where someone is looking. Look at their face - its usually the most beautiful part anyway.*
> ...


I said it earlier this week, but I will say it again: You are a true gentleman, richardsharpe.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Pragmaster,

I'm a lawyer, not a shrink, but everything you write here reeks of narcissism. The full blown variety. You even mentioned something about it yourself, which is typical for the syndrome...

These women in the street aren't disgusted by you (unless you really give them cause to feel that way), but if you expect every woman to spontaniously throw herself at your feet (because you rock, after all) and she doesn't, you are in for some major disappointment. This may be the answer to your original question.

Sorry to be this blunt, but get serious IC if you want to break the vicious cycle. And don't take the red pill


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

pragmaster said:


> As much as I don't want to admit it, I think I have an unhealthy and negative view of women and that's what is impacting everything.


This is a huge part of the problem. Many women can tell this from a mile away.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I know a man like you. Seriously similar. I think what I know may help you. PM me. This info is not for eyes here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

pragmaster said:


> Absolutely. You hit the nail on the head. I lack empathy. Straight up. I don't have much compassion for others. I might make an awesome dictator, but I don't want to be that.
> 
> At times I have tried to fake it, and it's probably brutally obvious to women. When I was trying to learn for my ex-wife she'd joke and say I sound like a therapist. Lol.
> 
> ...


You seem to appreciate straightforwardness, so I'll be brutally honest. A few things struck me here:

-If you're trying to pick women up on the street, many will ignore you. Because it's creepy. So cut it out. :grin2:

-It seems like you're more interested in appearing empathetic than actually caring about what others feel or think. Gleaning this from the "fake it" comment. This is what may trip you up - if you want to continue to just get laid, that's cool. But if you want a relationship, not actually caring about what the other person think or feels is a heck of an obstacle. It seems like the whole point of a relationship - to be with someone who cares about you and who you can care about in return.

-No, women can't tell if you lack empathy in 20 seconds but you seem to be expecting a deep connection in that timeframe, and that just isn't how human interaction works. In 20 seconds (probably less) you can tell if someone is attractive to you, and possibly if they find you attractive. And that's about it.

-


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Empathy--I noticed that when you talked about empathy, you talked about the fact that YOU do have emotional feelings. That's not empathy. You can however use this to develop empathy.

To develop empathy, when a situation arises, stop for a while and imagine that whatever it is, is happening to you. Really imagine living through the situation. If you have ever been through something similar, bring that situation into your imagined experience. Let it sink in. Really feel it.

That's what empathy is. 

I have a lot of empathy. I can almost immediately feel what is going on with another person the moment is see or hear about it happening. I experience most of the feelings that a person would feel in that situation. It can be exhausting to be honest. So I work to not let the empathy take over too much. I guess you could say that I'm the mirror opposite from you.

I just did a search on amazon books for "learn empathy". A good number of books came up. Some are for children. Some are for adults. Empathy is often a learned skill. Children have to be taught it. If it can be taught to a child, it can be taught to an adult. Perhaps you could get some of the books, even the ones for children and read them, work through them.

I used to know a couple who were therapists. They did something called 're-parenting'. What they explained is that some people never learned things as children that they needed to learn. So part of their practice was to take an adult to live in their home. The adult would be their 'child' and they would re-parent this person. It apparently works great. They also explained to me that a person can actually 're-parent' themself.

For example you can act as your own parent in having your 'child' read the books and work through them. Have internal talks with your self, one voice talking to the other as parent/child. It works. 

(No I'm not talking about splitting personalities here.)

My take is that your mother was raised to be a lot like you are now. She taught you to be like that. You seem to the a two sided mental image of your mother... the woman who lacked empathy and then wonderful woman that she is despite that.

I'm convinced that most of use spend our adult years getting over what our parents did to us. They are flawed as are all humans.. so they produce flawed children. But the good part is that we, as adults have a chance to change that legacy and become who we want to be.

I think that at the bottom of it all, you sound like a good person. In interesting person. You are young, my son's age. This is the age when we start to look into ourselves to take control of who we will become. The choice is yours.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

@EleGirl

Excellent post
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Thanks so much everyone.

-Yeah, I won't tell the ex-wife this. I'll work it out on my own. It's not worth it. I just feel bad because I blamed her for a lot of the problems and now I realize it's been me all along. I am happy everything is finally starting to make sense. While it's true that it takes two to tango and I should be a les harsh on myself, that attitude has lead me to complacency and poor behavior. This is solely my fault, I am responsible, and I am okay with that. I'm not sad or mad. I miss her, but that's life. If this is the way I must learn so be it. The marriage/divorce truly is a blessing in disguise. 

-Yeah, you're right about the street/ 20seconds thing and superficiality. Nevermind lol. I am actually not as bad as I thought. I am actually quite good with eye contact and all that jazz. I really am not a perv or an oggler. I have 0 intentions on getting laid like someone said. I guess I was just curious because I have a lot of friends who just seem to have a knack for meeting strangers out of the blue and whenever I try it's just a catastrophic fail. I realize that we all have our different skills and personalities. Of course, the best friends I have I met without trying. I just need to chill a bit lol.  . Again, impatience!  

-I am really interested in a a committed relationship but yes, I'm not ready for one. 

-I've done several personality tests online and I've talked to some of my friends. Despite the assertion that I reek of narcissism, it's hard for me to fully embrace. I mean, what do people normally think day to day? I thought it was normal for to be completely aware of your surroundings at all times and every single person who crosses your peripheral. 

Can you guys help me confirm if these traits might be narcissistic? I have no problem going to therapy and learning, but I am curious: 

-I always seem to be right or know everything. Even when I am admit being wrong, "I know". People have been telling me it's hard to get through to me all my life. Looking back, it makes sense that not many people were interested in hanging out or talking with me. 

-When I talk to people, I seem to enjoy talking about myself and things I know more. When people talk and ask each other questions it seems they really care to know, where I usually ask just to propel the conversation. I rarely ask questions because I actually care about others. I always seem to ask to gather information for myself. 

-When I was a child, I distinctly remember having this "my way or no way" attitude about a lot of things and this carried over into my adulthood, despite what I believe about being fluid and flexible. As much as like to break my habits/routines, how I treat others seems to have remained the same. 

-I can't say that I consciously manipulate people. I don't like being used and I know what that feels like. Sometimes I take advantage of my parents and friends to help when I need it, but I usually do something in return or try to give back in other ways, so it's mutual. I am a man of my word and despite my punctuality problems I am reliable. I truly believe in the better late than never. I have used women for sex many times in the past but I was often very clear about my intentions. Sometimes though, I did it automatically without thought. It was like we'd hang out, have a great time, then we'd make love in the bedroom, and as soon as that was done I'd want to leave or for her to leave. Not because I didn't like her or value her company, but just felt like "ok what do I do with this person I have better things to do". Keyword is "better". 

-In terms of empathy, I only seem to feel things for others when I have gone through those things myself. I can definitely learn this. I don't think I am as bad/crazy as I thought. 

One of my friends is a lot like me. I don't think it helps that I hang out with him a lot, but my selfishness and behavior has always been validated as "normal" and "ok". I'm wondering if he's narcissistic too.

I am trying to change and heal. I want to be a better person for myself, my friends, my family, others and mankind.

I am not stressed and my mind is relatively calm. I just figure I try to give as much detail as possible. For some reason I believe it helps, but it may not be the case. Thanks again everyone.


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