# A most unfortunate card - worst marketing ever



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
Unfortunate situation here.

I sometimes buy my wife jewelry - for birthdays, Christmas, whatever. Nothing that represents a significant amount of money, but I like getting her nice things. 

So today while I was out, a card came in the mail to me from Tiffany's. She assumed it was an add, and opened it - and it was thanking me for my "recent purchase". Thing is, I haven't bought anything in several months. Worse there was a good sized money withdraw from our account on the checking statement she had just seen.

Now my wife is suspicious. 

So,I don't know why the card came now - I guess they are just trying to remind me to buy more. I haven't bought anything there in months. The money withdrawal is legit - but not easily verifiable - had to do with repairs on our airplane.

I think she mostly believes that I'm not up to anything, but I'm not sure if I should tell her how badly hurt I am by her thoughts? She has always seemed to trust me completely in the past - as I have always trusted her.

Why would something underhanded be her first thought? Why not think I was planning a surprise. Or that the card (as is true) was from an earlier purchase. 

In fact does she really think I'm to stupid to be able to hide a jewelry purchase if I wanted to?

Does it take so little to make her doubt me? Its clear that even after showing her all the credit cards, and the spreadsheet where I showed that the money was spent on the airplane, she isn't quite convinced. She certainly has in now way suggested that her accusations were unreasonable.

Meanwhile I'm deeply saddened. Trust is so important to me - it is an absolutely integral part of love. W'd been doing very well over the last few weeks.


And Tiffany's isn't getting my business again :FIREdevil:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cut her some slack on this. Most people would put those two things together.

In most marriages where there is infidelity, the BS would tell you up to the moment that they found out about the affair that they trusted their WS 100%.

Do you have receipts for the repairs on your aircraft? Why not just show her those?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
the airplane is in a LLC partnership, I suppose I could go to the bank and get a statement showing the transfer. But of course there are a ton of ways I could launder the money if I wanted to. In fact that is part of the point - once she gets suspicious she can NEVER know that nothing is up. I travel for work, I work long hours. I have access to money in a wide variety of ways. How can she ever convince herself that I'm not up to something? If she keeps looking she is sure to find something (like this) to trigger her suspicions. 

In exactly the same way, she could easily have an affair without my knowing. I simply trust her not to. Should I become suspicious - the old adage that men who look under beds have probably hidden there themselves?

It so sad, her apparent absolute trust in me is one of the things I most appreciated about her. 





EleGirl said:


> Cut her some slack on this. Most people would put those two things together.
> 
> In most marriages where there is infidelity, the BS would tell you up to the moment that they found out about the affair that they trusted their WS 100%.
> 
> Do you have receipts for the repairs on your aircraft? Why not just show her those?


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Nope, if this happened to my man...I would believe what he told me. He has never given me any indication of betrayal. The thing with being on a site like this is to remember that most men and women aren't like the cheaters and duped. I stay to post because I'm really wanting there to be some balance here as to good marriages and that we ALL can have them if we aren't duplicitous or unduly suspicious. Marriage is more than the divorced and the cheated on...some of us live pretty uneventful marriages where nothing untoward happens except he works too much or she forgets his birthday. Don't let this rent a place in your head as to what you think she is thinking. Just make sure she knows that you are cognizant of this recent advertisement and aren't happy about the implications. I've been married for a while, like you, and am not impressed with this sort of pandering from jewelry companies.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Yes, she trusts/trusted you, but she is also human. Humans have doubts. As you admitted, you work away, you have opportunity. I would have to question her intelligence if she just took it for granted that you were infallible. If she questioned it but let it go once it was explained, I wouldn't be overly concerned. 

However, if she were to come out with accusations and refuse to let it go, I would start to question her own fidelity.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Exactly. Kinda the "Me thinks you doth protest too much"


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

I think your DW's doubts are resolved by a little more financial transparency. What if your wife knew the details of the good sized money withdrawl before she saw the statement? 

I pay all the bills, and my DW does all the filing of the statements. I want her to know where every penny goes and I encourage her to ask questions. We switch roles when I am traveling for work.

I think you can see this as an opportunity to grant some reassurance your DW needs.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Since you buy her jewelry on a somewhat regular basis, I'm surprised she didn't just assume you'd bought her jewelry. 

I think you need to contact Tiffany, as well. That really is bad marketing!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
she has full access to all the accounts - its just that there are a lot of them - for various reasons our financial situation is very complex.

I normally do the bills, she does the taxes. She generally isn't interested in seeing all the accounts, but she can any time she wants.



Jung_admirer said:


> I think your DW's doubts are resolved by a little more financial transparency. What if your wife knew the details of the good sized money withdrawl before she saw the statement?
> 
> I pay all the bills, and my DW does all the filing of the statements. I want her to know where every penny goes and I encourage her to ask questions. We switch roles when I am traveling for work.
> 
> I think you can see this as an opportunity to grant some reassurance your DW needs.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Who do you know at Tiffany's? That salesperson likely sent the card hoping you would come in and buy something. It's terrible marketing and you should report it to the highest levels so that your wife knows it was not a purchase for a girlfriend. Don't think she let this go. She won't, being that she does all that work. If she hasn't, she's waiting for you to be irate over it with Tiffany's. It will validate her if you do. Otherwise, she will do it and look for things. And, like you said, she will find more to bolster any suspicions. Anyone would, at first glance. 

Trust is difficult to earn and easily lost. 

Go get 'em. Raise holy hell.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sounds like someone needs to head back to Tiffany's and then bring home something shiny for the Mrs.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Sounds like someone needs to head back to Tiffany's and then bring home something shiny for the Mrs.


Can you explain why this won't be taken as placating and validation of his guilt?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

That's just really unfortunate.. I have to be honest.. the 1st thing I thought was.. I know your wife is kinda not into sex.. and it would make sense, that if the sex is not flowing, neither is the intimacy -even if you have been a faithful husband in all respects .. so in her own "LACK" to your needs, I could see how this COULD pop into her head-.. but I feel really sad for you -innocent , being on the receiving end of this .. where another may have stepped out... Just a shame really.. 

I can understand this feeling like a punch in the stomach as you said TRUST was the one thing you felt you had, & greatly appreciated from her ..


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> Can you explain why this won't be taken as placating and validation of his guilt?


Yes, but I'd prefer to point out that it was nothing more than a flippantly sarcastic/tongue-in-check comment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

After some thought, I don't think that the card is bad marketing.

People who buy jewelry for an affair partner would most likely give an address other then the home where their spouse is living. A lot of cheaters have PO Boxes just for this kind of thing.

They sent it months after your last purchase for you wife, so if you had planned a surprise for her, you probably would have already given it to her.

Does the jewelry store keep track of your purchases? I'll bet they do. Find out. Then if they do, take her there and have them provide her with a list of your purchases.

That should clear it up.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Yes, but I'd prefer to point out that it was nothing more than a flippantly sarcastic/tongue-in-check comment.


And here I was thinking you were serious. I missed the proper use of a sarcastic emoticon for clarification. I'm well informed of the necessary use of it. It's been brought to my attention often, so I expected to see it. 

Maybe get her her own airplane and yacht and a house on the beach in the Carribean, with horses and flamingoes for her instead? What do you think? Did I do okay with no emoticon?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Kitt said:


> Nope, if this happened to my man...I would believe what he told me. He has never given me any indication of betrayal. The thing with being on a site like this is to remember that most men and women aren't like the cheaters and duped. I stay to post because I'm really wanting there to be some balance here as to good marriages and that we ALL can have them if we aren't duplicitous or unduly suspicious. Marriage is more than the divorced and the cheated on...some of us live pretty uneventful marriages where nothing untoward happens except he works too much or she forgets his birthday. Don't let this rent a place in your head as to what you think she is thinking. Just make sure she knows that you are cognizant of this recent advertisement and aren't happy about the implications. I've been married for a while, like you, and am not impressed with this sort of pandering from jewelry companies.



:iagree:


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## Bob Davis (Nov 5, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> ...I'm not sure if I should tell her how badly hurt I am by her thoughts?
> 
> ...Meanwhile I'm deeply saddened.


You have a very long, deep history here at TAM and I don't really 'know' it (though I recognize the name) so maybe I am stepping into the middle where I know not whereof... 

But I think that you need to tell your wife how you feel about her reaction. Tell her the truth of how hurt you are by this. JMO


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I understand why her mistrust would offend you, but I also understand why she would ask. She may just not want to be an idiot. It seems there are so many people who cheat who you would never think would, and they say the spouse is the last to know, but only because they didn't want to know because the signs were all there. 

Especially if you work away from home a lot, I would try to be understanding and assuage her concerns. Are there things you can do to be more transparent where she has no reason to question it? Maybe start with mentioning all large cash withdrawals to her so she knows what's going on with your money in the first place?

Regarding the cash withdrawal for the LLC airplane repairs - is that normal, that you'd withdraw cash to put into that business? My first husband was a serial cheater and I didn't even know it until after we divorced. No one else was surprised though. If this type of withdrawal is not normal, maybe her gut trusts you but her head is telling her not to be a fool.

And "how could you not trust me?!" is a standard response from a cheating spouse. I think a more typical response from a faithful spouse is "Oh no, why are you concerned? What can I do differently (within reason) to make you feel more secure?"


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Does the jewelry store keep track of your purchases? I'll bet they do. Find out. Then if they do, take her there and have them provide her with a list of your purchases.
> 
> That should clear it up.



It should clear it up....but its pretty sad to have to go this step.

I do totally understand though as I am somewhat hyper vigilant myself.

Its not a great way to live and I'm working on fixing me bit.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
It wasn't actually a cash withdrawal but a transfer to the business account - but on the statement is is just listed as "withdrawal". It was not an unusual amount - similar amounts are transferred several times a year, though in different ways so this looked a little unusual. If she had just asked about the transfer without the strongly implied accusation it would have been fine. 

I can show her proof in this case, but there are just too many opportunities for me or her to cheat if we wanted to with no possible way for the other to know. That's why trust is so important. 

I just spent a week half way around the world. There is now way she could know that I didn't cheat, and no way I could know that she didn't while I was gone. She is always invited on these trips, but we both know the invitation is meaningless, she can't take the time off work. 

Things are transparent in that she can see everything, but it didn't occur to me that this could look suspicious. Still there is no way she could have known that I was handed thousands of dollars of cash on my last trip (yes, completely legal BTW), but unless I mentioned it (which I did). Its money my wife could not know about. I could easily have used it to buy women expensive gifts, hired call girls, etc. 

I know that "I could do it an you would never catch me" is not the right approach, but it is the truth. Just as my wife has her own money (in inheritance) which I cannot access and which she could use any way she wanted without me knowing). 

How can general suspicious ever be eased? In each specific case there is usually some evidence, but sometimes there is no proof possible. 



WorkingWife said:


> I understand why her mistrust would offend you, but I also understand why she would ask. She may just not want to be an idiot. It seems there are so many people who cheat who you would never think would, and they say the spouse is the last to know, but only because they didn't want to know because the signs were all there.
> 
> Especially if you work away from home a lot, I would try to be understanding and assuage her concerns. Are there things you can do to be more transparent where she has no reason to question it? Maybe start with mentioning all large cash withdrawals to her so she knows what's going on with your money in the first place?
> 
> ...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
the web site doesn't keep a list. Its possible that store does, but I could have bought the hypothetical jewelry from somewhere else. The card is from corporate headquarters, not the local store.

She says she believes me, so I can't really go dragging her around to prove it. Maybe she really believes, me now, but maybe she just "mostly" believes and is keeping her eyes open. 


Life is full of suspicious things. Years ago we got a series of upset calls from a woman who desperately needed to talk to me. Looked mighty suspicious even to me. Turns out was my father's nurse in his nursing home who was being fired for doing something wrong that I have evidence that she did not do. (long story, not very interesting).

Once I sent flowers to a woman at a business office because my father had yelled and complained at her for 2 HOURS over the phone - about something that wasn't her fault. (told my wife about that too of course).




EleGirl said:


> Does the jewelry store keep track of your purchases? I'll bet they do. Find out. Then if they do, take her there and have them provide her with a list of your purchases.
> 
> That should clear it up.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I think opening up someone else's mail is a pretty bad thing to do. Why are you being made to feel the bad guy when it was your wife that invaded your privacy?


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> ...
> Does it take so little to make her doubt me?


RS, you've been very direct with your DW from a HNHN perspective. At some level she knows you have compromised beyond what would have been acceptable to her. That is, had you asked her to make a similar level of compromise, she would have refused or walked. This is projection, and while she is aware of the uncertainty, she probably does not understand its origin. 

Can you answer the question: How is is possible you can accept what DW would find unacceptable? As I said, she needs reassurance.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
She assumed it was advertising. I do find it a little odd that she opens the mail, but not enough to worry about. It could be more signs of her suspicions of course.



Holland said:


> I think opening up someone else's mail is a pretty bad thing to do. Why are you being made to feel the bad guy when it was your wife that invaded your privacy?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
sorry, I don't follow. 



Jung_admirer said:


> snip
> Can you answer the question: How is is possible you can accept what DW would find unacceptable? As I said, she needs reassurance.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

You DW's projection (that you might be stepping out on her) says nothing about you. There are at least two reasons for this projection: 

1) She is stepping out or considering stepping out and the suggestion that you might be doing the same assuages her guilt. I didn't write this before because based on what you've described in previous threads, it seems out of character. 

2) Your DW is telling you if she were in your shoes, she would not accept the compromise you agreed to. In her mind, it might play like: "He must be unhappy having to compromise his needs, he must be considering abandoning/betraying/replacing me". 

These are autonomous, subconscious thoughts. We feel the insecurity, but are unsure of its source. Does any of this seem remotely plausible?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Jung-admirirer
OK, I see what you are saying. Its possible she suspects me of cheating because she thinks she would if she were in my position. Maybe, though our key issue has been that she can't be made to understand how important a good sex life is to me, so it would be a little surprising if she thought I might cheat due to its lack. Still, its quite possible. 

In some sense she would be correct, the temptation to cheat was strong, though much less now that our sex life has improved. 

Maybe she has finally realized that sex matters to me, so now she sees me as having motivation to cheat? Maybe she now sees me as a sex-maniac who maybe can't control my impulses? (I mean I *do* want sex more than once a week....)

Doesn't really help though.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

If it were me, I would just automatically assume Joe had a surprise for me. That's just me though. 

I do hope you and you wife get this cleared up.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> She assumed it was advertising. I do find it a little odd that she opens the mail, but not enough to worry about. It could be more signs of her suspicions of course.


Maybe she views it as, you are married so "what is yours is hers, what is hers is yours" type of thing? Honestly, I tend to open my husband's mail. I don't suspect anything of him, but just want to get through all the junk mail and take care of bills, etc. I hate having clutter in the house and my husband tends to just pile up the mail to go through later. He gets a ton of credit card offers that I go through and tear up. I never saw it as a big deal. He is free to open or go through my mail as well. 

Anyways, I'd contact Tiffany's to let them know you don't appreciate the 'recent purchase' letter so many months later. I'd also view this as a heads up to be more open in the future about expenses, just don't dwell on this incident. Hope things get all cleared up between you and your wife.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

richards, I am sorry about the situation. I think maybe the reason she is suspicious (maybe even against her own judgment) - is related to the fact that lately you have tried again discussed your sexual issues, your LD/HD problems? She may start feeling she is not enough for you, that you are not happy, and the insecurity started creeping on her.

Talk to her.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Richard,

I would put a VAR in your own car. You may be cheating on your lovely wife but you'll never know unless you catch yourself in the act. I kid, I kid.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Hmm, sleep cheating..... You never know.:smile2:




Mostlycontent said:


> Richard,
> 
> I would put a VAR in your own car. You may be cheating on your lovely wife but you'll never know unless you catch yourself in the act. I kid, I kid.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> I think maybe the reason she is suspicious (maybe even against her own judgment) - is related to the fact that lately you have tried again discussed your sexual issues, your LD/HD problems? She may start feeling she is not enough for you, that you are not happy, and the insecurity started creeping on her.


I agree this is a real possibility.

Whatever is going on, I think you need to get this resolved. Firstly, there is something which triggered her. Maybe it was a tv show or magazine article, or maybe a friend told her a story. She saw some parallel and then her imagination ran away with it. Or maybe you are doing something (innocent) which for some reason is making her uneasy.

Secondly, if she doesn't come to really accept that her suspicions were faulty, this will fester. I am in such a position. Though I am forced to keep my mouth shut, and there is no way to resolve it one way or the other without more information, the outward appearance that it is a settled issue is false. The suspicions fester until being resolved.

I would suggest you approach your wife on both points. One is to be sure she understands the flow of money on this expense, and I would even see if you can get your purchase history from Tiffany's. But then she needs to explore why this triggered her. I would suggest discussing what general issues she may be seeing in the relationship which should be addressed, possibly even with MC.

One possible contributors is if she has a dysfunctional concept of sexuality. This may take a professional MC or IC to get to the bottom of.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
She hasn't mentioned it in the last day or two, and she said that she believed me. Should I really dig up all sorts of documentation? I probably can this time, but there could easily be future situations where there is no such documentation available.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> She hasn't mentioned it in the last day or two, and she said that she believed me. Should I really dig up all sorts of documentation? I probably can this time, but there could easily be future situations where there is no such documentation available.


I think I would give her one last chance to say something. Tell her you want to be sure she is 100% ok with this, and if not now is the time for her to speak up so that you can work it out.

Second, this would be a good chance to talk about how to set up some kind of process so she doesn't get surprised in the future. maybe you need to figure out how to have documentation. Or something. The caring thing for you to do is to make some kind of change so that you aren't unnecessarily setting up a situation which gets her messed up. While it is her imagination running wild, there may be some things which can be done to prevent it.


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