# Not sure whats going on



## aussiemum (Jun 5, 2012)

Hi I new to forums and not sure if I am posting this in the right spot...but here goes. I have been married for 16 years and with my husband for 19 years we have 3 kids (11, 13 & 15) pretty good kids and they don't cause us many problems just the usual stuff. Hubby and I have had rocky history with many problems with my family...as a result I see none of my family and the ones I did have a relationship have all died in the past 3 years. Hubby has always been very affectionate and loving although sometimes controlling and demanding. What has happened to lead me here is about 6 months ago he started a new job...3 months ago he became friends with one of the women he works with..she is married 2 kids and confessed to him she was having marriage problems...she is beautiful thin and 10 years younger than me...Every night they work together sit in the car and talk and have smokes and coffee some times go and get dinner together. then a month ago he went to her house when her hubby was at work and had coffee...when I was at work I came home and he wasn't here...every since then I have not had one cuddle, not one I love you and sex about 3 times which has been very much just sex no kissing or cuddling. Also he told me I am not his friend any more because I never do what he asks....there is alot more to know but what are your thoughts on his relationship with this woman...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

My thoughts? He is cheating on you.

Do you want to save this marriage? Contact his company and report the extramarital affair, most likely the company has a policy against it.

Then tell his and your family/friends of his deed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## applewii (Jun 5, 2012)

Well with my experience seems he is starting to like her and wants a relationship with her. I would advice you to talk to him before he actually makes an effort to have sex with her if he hasn't already. Sorry I am being so blunt.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Also find the husband of this lady and notify him. This will almost instantly kill this affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aussiemum (Jun 5, 2012)

I have talked to him about it and he says they are just friends...but he's phone is now on silent ring, he has put a pincode on it so I can't see...he is always late home from work..and he use to love touching, cuddling and we use to have sex at least twice a week. I don't wont to loose him how to I fight back???


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Cheaters lie, that shouldn't be a surprise.

Considering your sex life plummeted after him visiting her house it's obvious who he is intimate with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## applewii (Jun 5, 2012)

Dont tell her that. Thats horrible. You should tell him face to face it me or her, you pick her I take my kids and myself and you will never see me again. Most likely men chose their wives. if he doesnt choose you his not worth your time.


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## aussiemum (Jun 5, 2012)

As i said I don't want to loose him and I love him and do not want to put my children throu a divorce..I need helpful advise on how to win him back cause I'm not letting that ***** win!!!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Quickly find the husband of that woman and have him start from that end to keep his wife in check. The less time they spend together the faster he'll come back to you. 

Also notify his company, maybe they'll change their work schedule or location.

Also don't tell your husband you're doing these.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

aussiemum... i think it sounds like an emotional affair at the very least.

I would go to the coping with infidelity boards...the folks there can help more.

There IS lots you can do...all the best.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Hello, and I am so sorry that you are going through this 

Calling the woman's husband, or doing something to or about this woman does not fix _your_ problem, which is that your husband may be having an affair, or is considering an affair. If it is not this woman, it could be someone else later on. SHE is not the problem, it's your husband.

Something is going on, obviously, with him. You need to set aside a time to speak with him, no kids around, and steel yourself for confronting him about what you feel is going on. Be as un-blaming and un-angry as possible to heighten the possibility of him opening up. If a man is confronted by his faults, he may deny it or fight it. Let him know all of your feelings on everything. Let him know it hurts that he no longer cuddles or shows affection. Let him know you will only listen to him if he will just let him know what's going on with him.

Hopefully your husband will come clean. And hopefully your marriage can be repaired before it goes to far (and hopefully it has not already)

I sincerely wish you luck  My heart goes out to you and I hope things work out in the best possible way.


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## aussiemum (Jun 5, 2012)

thanks Waiwera and notsurewhattdo I realise that she is not the problem it is my husband, and I guess I have to hold some of the blame to I am not the bubbliest and happiest person in the world..but still the same person he married...I will try and talk to him reasonable and see what happens. NotSureWhatToDo I read your problem as well and I hope things are better for you. We argue and make up alot too and most of the time is use to be really great but now I am just sad so I feel for you...sending happy and positive thoughts your way!!


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Oh thank you so much  I really appreciate the well wishes. Things are somewhat better, and I'm hoping for things to keep going up. I am sorry to hear of your loss of family. I lost my mother 10 years ago, and that is practically all my family, so I understand feeling alone there.

I hope you realize that you are not to blame _whatsoever_ for his infidelity. That is 100% his choice on how to handle whatever issues he's having in life and marriage. He could have chosen to talk to you about what's going on with him. He could have chosen to try and make things better with you. He could have chosen to leave you if he's unhappy, or go to a therapist. All of those are right choices he could have made, and much more honorable. But instead he's choosing this path that is selfish, not right, and unfair to you. It doesn't matter whatever flaws and issues he has with you or his life, this is not how he should handle them. 

But... you don't know if he has or not yet. From the outside, it certainly sounds like he's at least in a pre-affair. This woman talking about her relationship issues to him is classic for leading to infidelity. Whether he has or not, he is being disrespectful to you by being around this woman like he is, and should stop. 

I hope you keep us posted as things go on  My thoughts are with you and hoping for a happy outcome.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

You should post this in the Coping with Infidelity forum. Confronting without evidence is very bad advice. They will lead you through the process of gathering evidence and confrontation if you will listen.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

aussiemum, sorry your here. You need to tell her husband. It's only fair. He has a right to know your husband is seeing his wife behind his back. This affects his family too. That will bring you an ally to end this nonsense. Once she is out of your lives you can work on you marriage. You can not repair your marriage and what ever is leading him to stray, until the third person is gone. Best Wishes.


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## aussiemum (Jun 5, 2012)

Thanks guys you have been very helpful, I suggested he go to a therapist for help on why he is unhappy...but he's said what does talking do, I suggested the therapist might just give him some other suggestions or coping strategies I will try again. I honestly don't think/feel the relationship with this woman has become physical with this woman but there is an emotional connection which in someways frightens me more...I'll post my original post onto the infidelity forum and see what others think.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

aussiemum, her husband still needs to know his wife has an emotional bond with your husband. You keeping that information secret form him will not allow them to repair their marriage also. If she had a better marriage she would not have formed a bond with your husband. Good luck.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

aussiemum said:


> Thanks guys you have been very helpful, I suggested he go to a therapist for help on why he is unhappy...but he's said what does talking do, I suggested the therapist might just give him some other suggestions or coping strategies I will try again. I honestly don't think/feel the relationship with this woman has become physical with this woman but there is an emotional connection which in someways frightens me more...I'll post my original post onto the infidelity forum and see what others think.


aussiemum, I also posted in your thread in the infidelity forum.

The reason he rejects therapy is that he has his own private counselor. If they are co-workers, they go for coffee, they go out to dinner, and he's been to her home, they are also probably texting each other or emailing each other when they are apart. This means they are spending MANY HOURS each week in contact with each other.

This is without a doubt an emotional affair. Infatuation is an extremely powerful emotion. Do not underestimate it. He is not going to break things off with her because you are hurt or angry--if that was enough, he would never have begun this relationship in the first place.

Emotional affairs are INSIDIOUS, which means "proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects." They allow the spouse betraying the marriage to build up mental compartments for the affair (a "friendship") and the marriage that give them psychological permission to cross marital boundaries into infidelity.

There are not many ways of cracking through the shell he's created to shine the light of reality on their relationship. Telling the woman's husband this is happening is one of the few means you have. If the shoe were on the other foot--if your husband were bringing this woman to YOUR home for "coffee" when you aren't there--wouldn't you want HIM to tell you?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

keko said:


> Quickly find the husband of that woman and have him start from that end to keep his wife in check. The less time they spend together the faster he'll come back to you.
> 
> Also notify his company, maybe they'll change their work schedule or location.
> 
> ...


Don't notify his company. They may fire him and where will your family be? He still needs to support your family regardless of his bad behavior. This is the worst advice you can receive. Cheating is a bad deal but being unemployeed in this economy is worse.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> Don't notify his company. They may fire him and where will your family be? He still needs to support your family regardless of his bad behavior. This is the worst advice you can receive. Cheating is a bad deal but being unemployeed in this economy is worse.


What is more important marriage or work?


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