# How to deal with someone else's kids?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Been wondering lately, in wake of so many disappointments in the dating scene since seperation... that I may have to lift a few of my standards. One of them, has been that I don't date women with children, despite being a father myself. Main reason for that - I don't know how to handle them!

I can't stand the little brats!

My daughter / extended family are obviously exceptions because well, family. But a stranger's son or daughter? How? Ack can just imagine me with a woman with 5 kids or something WTF...

How do you guys - who have dated women with kids - deal with the extra baggage? What expectations are laid on you? And what responsibilities?


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## No1knows (Jun 13, 2015)

I believe that if you have a connection with someone you will accept everything that comes with that person. Try to be more positive, 
You might be surprised how well things could go.


FYI.. a women with kids would not want a man that doesn't accept her children. She will be able to see through a man that is not comfortable with kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

To start with you tell her that you think it would not be a good idea to meet her children (and she your daughter) for 6 months to a year. 

This protects the children from getting attached to someone who their parent later breaks up.

Then when and if you do meet her child(ren). just take it slow. There are some good books on step parenting. I'll bet that there good books on dating women with children too. 

You do not father them. You do not take on financial responsibility for the kids. Just be an adult friend.. in time if the relationship with mom grows, so will your relationship with the children.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Argh... I don't know if I can ever love someone else's kid, and I doubt they can love me in return when I will always show favoritism (bad for a step-parent) for my own flesh and blood; my daughter. Step-parenting... ack!
Are you SURE there are no parental responsibilities that comes with step-parenting? My mum's a step-parent now, she tells me otherwise =/ Hence this thread...

Also, knowing that if my daughter told me she doesn't like someone I'm dating (she has yet to meet one of them though! lol) - I would dump, no questions asked, will always take her side over others. I wonder if I can handle the situation if I'm at the receiving end of such a dilemma, having your date's kids hate your guts. I dunno, it's just all so potentially messy yet it seems I have to get over this somehow, or forever stick to 20-25 yr olds...

Heck, I think my real question is, is it really even worth it? Lifting this standard?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

When I was dating after my divorce, I had the opposite requirement as you, and that was I preferred to date only men with children. Not that I was dying to become a step-parent, but because I think only parents can understand other parents and their responsibilities/obligations. 

I only ever met the child of one of the people I dated, and I met him on our second date! Not necessarily by my choice, but he was a teenager and was very comfortable with his dad dating. I loved that kid! And no, I'm not someone who just adores all children, but he was a really amazing kid. I liked him more than I liked his dad lol.

I have a friend who was dating after divorce during the same time frame I was, and he has two sons, but only wanted to date women without kids. He married one and they are having trouble with her really not understanding his parenting obligations (and he only has them very part time). She basically wants him all to herself. 

If you're young enough to want more kids in the future and you truly don't think you could love another child as a step-parent, I'd stay stick to your rule. But, it can be possible to really like kids who aren't your own . 

As far as you having to have any parenting responsibilities....well, it really depends on the age of the child and whether or not you're just dating or you get married. As a married step-parent, you'd want to support your wife, so yes there would be some responsibilities.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Argh... I don't know if I can ever love someone else's kid, and I doubt they can love me in return when I will always show favoritism (bad for a step-parent) for my own flesh and blood; my daughter. Step-parenting... ack!
> Are you SURE there are no parental responsibilities that comes with step-parenting? My mum's a step-parent now, she tells me otherwise =/ Hence this thread...
> 
> Also, knowing that if my daughter told me she doesn't like someone I'm dating (she has yet to meet one of them though! lol) - I would dump, no questions asked, will always take her side over others. I wonder if I can handle the situation if I'm at the receiving end of such a dilemma, having your date's kids hate your guts. I dunno, it's just all so potentially messy yet it seems I have to get over this somehow, or forever stick to 20-25 yr olds...
> ...


_*
*_

honestly no If this if your attitude about it. How would you feel if the woman you date met your daughter and felt this way.

Also this thing about your daughters side over all others is a receipe for disaster. This is a child. And this child will one day grow up and leave so while her opinion should matter she shouldn't get a vote or decision in things like this.

It doesn't sounds like you would be a great match for a single mom so I would eliminate that from the dating pool.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

A good, single mother would sniff out your attitude a mile away. Stick to women without children. You said yourself that you are unlikely able to love another person's child. It would just be a waste of time for you since you seem so sure that you wouldn't enjoy being around another person's child long term.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, best I stick to what I'm comfortable with I guess, thanks guys


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

RD, I know how you feel. I tossed around all those same questions when I became single but my kids are older. In the end I listened to gut and my kids and decided its not a good idea to bring a SO into the mix. My parenting style is unconventional and I really don't think anyone would integrate into our family dynamic. 

You are young and still have an opportunity to find someone without kids and possibly have more kids if you like. Have a little patience.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Been wondering lately, in wake of so many disappointments in the dating scene since seperation... that I may have to lift a few of my standards. One of them, has been that I don't date women with children, despite being a father myself. Main reason for that - I don't know how to handle them!
> 
> I can't stand the little brats!
> 
> ...


I had seen men make 2 mistakes in dealing with stepkids. Either they stepped in too hard and got yelled at my the wife, or they took a totally hands off approach and were equally dealt with by wife.

When I remarried and had two stepkids to deal with, I simply became their friend and just supported the wife in dealing with them. Never tried to play 'dad'. It worked out pretty well.

That said, taking on stepkids is usually a no-win proposition.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm... =/


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

I'm childless by choice. If something ever happened to my spouse, I would never date someone with children. Therefore, I would probably never date again. My sister married a man with grown children and it is a zoo. His adult children are morons. He acts like a moron dealing with them. I will pass on the theatrics and codependency.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Been wondering lately, in wake of so many disappointments in the dating scene since seperation... that I may have to lift a few of my standards. One of them, has been that I don't date women with children, despite being a father myself. Main reason for that - I don't know how to handle them!
> 
> I can't stand the little brats!
> 
> ...


You need to keep your standard.


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