# Hi I am new



## meadows (Jun 7, 2008)

I am wondering what you think. A few years ago, my husband of over 15 years got a call at 5 in the morning. I answered, and it was a woman. She had called before and left a message about how it was almost "their time" to talk and she loved him.

He made up a big story, and made me believe a lie. He even got mad at me when I found a calling card in his wallet, and he said it was from a trip a year before. He was offended I looked in his wallet, and was offended I did not trust him.

I called the calling card people, and they said it was used just the week before to call a foreign country, the country the woman had called from (She must have googled his name. Their cyber-sex took place at husband's work. She had been told husband was single.)

Anyway, I wanted to forgive and wanted to go to counseling and everything, and husband moved out for 6 months. I was devastated, and so hurt. I loved him so much. We went to counseling this whole time, and he finally moved back in. He said it was only this one woman, for a short time. He said it was the only thing, and it started innocently but progressed to sex over the internet.

But he said he did not know if he loved me anymore, b/c he could think of no reason other than that he must not love me to explain what he did.

He also said it was a "symptom" of a bad marriage, and so we really did not need to discuss it. Over the next 8 months, we continued counseling, and he never could decide if he wanted to stay married. It tore me up. I felt so bad. I was so sad, and wanted desperately to save my marriage, to have him realize that there were other reasons for why he cheated (he would not really call it that - although it involved webcam and cybersex), that his emotional withdrawal was hurting me, I would cry and he would just tell me to get stronger.

Anyway, after over a year and a half, I said if he did not know if he loved me, he must not, and we should divorce. That was it. He never said no, let's keep trying, he just took it as that was the answer.

Anyway, 3 weeks after this, he was out of the house, and had to go on a trip. 2 weeks later, there was a plane ticket on the credit card bill, and I saw it and asked. He said, he met a person at the airport, they talked, emailed, and he was invited to go to the person's house. This person was out of the country. He needed a break.

Right after that, his cell phone bill started having literally hours and hours and hours of talking with this person. And then she came to spend a holiday with him a month later.

My question, for those who have been kind enough to read all of this, is does this sound even possible? I mean, could he have randomly met this woman at an airport, and they just clicked and it was so great?

Or does it seem he probably was in communication with her before the airplane trip (she travels a lot) and arranged to meet when he went on the atypical trip?

I think he wants the world to 
1. not know of the original woman from another country he had cybersex with (and I never would have known had she not surprisingly called my home)
2. believe I wanted the divorce
3. did not start a relationship with woman #2 until AFTER he moved out and the decision to divorce was made by me (with out another syllable spoken by him about it - again, I said let's divorce and that was that)

When I made the decision to divorce because I was drowning in sorrow and not able to maintain being a mother to our children, I believed he was not cheating, and that the one woman from before was it. 

When I found out he was going to this "person's" home, this person he supposedly just met by chance weeks after leaving, it occurred to me that he may have been doing the internet thing with at least her, if not more women. 

He had been very uninvolved emotionally with me for a long time. We were only sexually intimate when I would initiate, and sometimes not even then, b/c he did not want to. A few weeks before I gave up, I sobbed on the floor in front of him, after he made it clear he did not want sex with me that night (for the first time in a long time, it was so hard for me to know he would not reach for me) and said we might never have sex again, b/c I would not initiate anymore, and if he did not, then we would never make love again. He just looked at me like I was talking about taking out the garbage.

The more I think about it, the more I think it is very possible he was sexually involved over the internet with at least this one woman. He was actively cheating, and just did not want to be the bad guy. 

I found this forum, and thought I would ask the opinion of the members here.

Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to respond.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

I think it could be all the same woman, and he wanted to get a divorce and went through the motions to make him look like it was not based on infidelity. I think you have your answer that it is over for him and you need to move on. He has a long time ago. I am sorry to say. Focus on you becoming healthier emotionally to take care of your kids and you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Is it possible that it is a different woman sure if your husband is that chrismatic. Could it be this other woman sure. Does it matter?

I think you know where you stand with the hubby and you might be better off without him and with a guy that will treat you as a wife and lover.

draconis


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm sorry you had to endure that kind of hurt.

It is important that you can recognize that there will come a day when you don't hurt so much - and eventually, you won't hurt at all. It sounds trite - but if you can accept that simple truth, you can take the necessary steps to heal yourself.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

meadows said:


> The more I think about it, the more I think it is very possible he was sexually involved over the internet with at least this one woman. He was actively cheating, and just did not want to be the bad guy.
> 
> I found this forum, and thought I would ask the opinion of the members here.


Based on what you've said, I'd have to agree it's possible this has been going on for some time, especially if he has been distant at home.


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