# Should I Stay or Should I Go?



## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

Well, I posted a few threads in the last 30 days in the general section and the considering divorce section. Here's an update. I filed for divorce right after the new year. My wife was having a strong EA with someone and I got sick of sitting at home with the family and letting it happen. Since then, the EA has softened. She says she has no desire to try to work things out for our sake, but is willing to try counseling for us to keep the family together. We both agree that shouldn't be the primary reason for MC, but it's a start.

Now I have a couple of options. I can put the divorce on hold and go through several months of MC. I can let the divorce continue and also do the MC. My wife would like us to physically separate during this time to see if she likes being w/out me. I'm not for this arrangement. Partly because I have no practical place to go, not to mention the financial factor. Also because I think she will enjoy the extra "freedom" and further convince herself that a separation is desirable. Thirdly, it would be less time with our sons. If I let the divorce continue, the court will decide within a month who stays in our home and who leaves. To me, that outcome is a toss-up.

Back to the MC. As I've posted previously, we've been together 16 years, married 12, 3 sons. She brings up 6 to 8 situations in our 16 years that convince her that I'm not what she wants in a husband. MC, in my opinion will help greatly with dealing with those situations. But she also mentions that even though she finds me attractive, she has a desire to be with a taller man both in bed and walking down the sidewalk. I'm concerned that MC may not be much of a benefit in dealing with that issue. So I'm wondering if it's futile to think that with MC she might see me in a different light or if our marriage still has a shot at being great. Any thoughts?


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

Well she's in her "Fog" you hear so much about. Maybe continuing with the D will snap her out of her slumber. Don't be a door mat, I speak from experience!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds to me like she's hoping to hook up with the OM while separated but wants to keep you around as Plan B. Do you have any evidence she's stopped her affair?


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## lostinthisthing (Jan 11, 2013)

I'm in sort of the same situation, but there was infedility in our relationship. She had an affair with one of my co-workers. Told her she was free to go at anytime. She did not want to and wanted to work on our relationship. Things became better and do far have forgiven her but have not forgotten. This occurred over a year ago now. I believe she has bi-polar disorder and does not want to get help for it. We have not had sexual relations in 5 months now and I am starting to think that this relationship is headed south. She is never happy with anything no matter what it is. She does not work burlt says she never has time for anything. She is on her iphone all day and it drives me crazy. She even ignores our children when she is on the phone. I just do not know what to do. I love her even after the hurt she had caused and I have really tried to make things work. She says she is to tired to have dex or the other excuse is that she is afraid she might have picked up a std from the affair and does not want to give it to me. Maybe you or someone else have been through this. I am at the point where my heart just races dealing with this. I feel like am going to have a heart attack at times. By the way I am new to the forum and I don't know how to start a new post. What is your take of my delima?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Continue with the divorce

Don't waste money on MC
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## captainkbt (Jan 9, 2013)

Sure....definitely continue with the counseling and hold the D. As in getting married, there should be no rush in breaking up. But since she is the one doing this, I would politely but firmly demand that she be the one to move out if she insists on being apart. You are the one attempting to maintain a healthy marriage and life with your family and should try to contiue that for the sake of your children. It may also look good on your behalf in D proceedings if that should happen. If it doesnt work out you want to look back and feel you did everything you could and the right thing for the sake of your family. Your sons will look up to you for that. 

If my wife told me she wanted a different looking man, I would tell her to start looking now. A little confidence and not being a doormat sometimes wakes women up to respecting you again. She is not respecting you right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Leading Man said:


> Well, I posted a few threads in the last 30 days in the general section and the considering divorce section. Here's an update. I filed for divorce right after the new year. My wife was having a strong EA with someone and I got sick of sitting at home with the family and letting it happen. Since then, the EA has softened. She says she has no desire to try to work things out for our sake, but is willing to try counseling for us to keep the family together. We both agree that shouldn't be the primary reason for MC, but it's a start.
> 
> Now I have a couple of options. I can put the divorce on hold and go through several months of MC. I can let the divorce continue and also do the MC. My wife would like us to physically separate during this time to see if she likes being w/out me. I'm not for this arrangement. Partly because I have no practical place to go, not to mention the financial factor. Also because I think she will enjoy the extra "freedom" and further convince herself that a separation is desirable. Thirdly, it would be less time with our sons. If I let the divorce continue, the court will decide within a month who stays in our home and who leaves. To me, that outcome is a toss-up.
> 
> Back to the MC. As I've posted previously, we've been together 16 years, married 12, 3 sons. She brings up 6 to 8 situations in our 16 years that convince her that I'm not what she wants in a husband. MC, in my opinion will help greatly with dealing with those situations. *But she also mentions that even though she finds me attractive, she has a desire to be with a taller man both in bed and walking down the sidewalk.* I'm concerned that MC may not be much of a benefit in dealing with that issue. So I'm wondering if it's futile to think that with MC she might see me in a different light or if our marriage still has a shot at being great. Any thoughts?


Taller man? Really? She has 3 children with you and then decides that you are not tall enough? LOL What a lame excuse.

My 2 cents? 

If you work on the marriage, you can put the divorce on hold, go to MC. She does not move out. Re-evaluate in 6 monthes.

If she moves out, go forward with the divorce. "Separation" means dating the OM. Nothing can be fixed in your marriage if she does this.

Does your attorney say that the court would decide in a month who moves out? That's quick. Often they do not do this until the divorce is final. Maybe you could ask for that.

Does she have a full time job?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

lostinthisthing, 

Go to the forum you want (General or Infidelity) to start the thread and click on Thread Tools on the blue line. Then post your story. 

Good luck.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I agree A taller guy is a great reason to leave a marriage. NOT!!!

MC is a waste of time as long as there are 3 people in the marriage. If she won't drop the OM continue with the divorce.

What have you done about the affair besides sit there and watch it?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you are sitting home and she is out its a PA. She's either having one or not. Affairs don't soften. You can't be half pregnant. Keep going with divorce until your wife starts acting like a wife.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Leading Man, 

I just read your other threads. She's going over to his house three times a week and staying there at least one night a week? That's a PA. 

She's had a PA three years ago also. She is a proven self entitled serial cheater. 

She's setting you up. She cut her hours/income to get more out of you from the courts. Tell your lawyer that. 

Get some respect back for yourself and dump her.

CONTINUE WITH THE D!!! 

Do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not MC, go directly to DIVORCE.


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

I agree she is still in the fog. That's why I filed for divorce. I had to do something to help clear her head. Her affair was with a man who is paralyzed from the chest down. Limited movement of arms as well. Technically it was/is a PA since she did admit to kissing him. Since the divorce filing, she has cut down considerably on her visits to see him. They still talk/text and I am not allowed in on their conversations. I'm sure their reduced contact is partly because she knows that would not look good in a divorce court. 

As for her moving out, I've calmly suggested a few times that since she wants out, then she should move out. She refuses. Says she worked too hard making our house a home and she is entitled to stay here as much as I am. She would agree in the short term to leave the house 50% of the time if I would do the same. I still don't like that arrangement. If I really thought it would give her some "space" to maybe realize what she/we could be giving up as a family maybe I would consider it.

She was working full time from June thru October then went down voluntarily to a 50% position. Now she makes about 60% of what I do. 

As for her always knowing that I wasn't tall (I'm 1" taller than her) she felt she could accept that. But as time went on and I didn't live up to her expectations as a husband my physical stature just added to her resentment of me.

I'm not a Doctor, but I would be willing to bet a cold Mountain Dew that she has some emotional issues that should be addressed with counseling and/or medication. Depression, maybe BPD, maybe Bi-polar. She's quite stubborn though and won't go in to see. 

I haven't disclosed what's been going on to anyone yet. I don't want to look weak and run to other family members for help at the first sign of trouble. That said, since the divorce filing, her parents have really cut back on their informal conversations with me and only call us on her cell phone. I'm sure she has told them I'm reading way too much into the relationship between her and this disabled man. And that I'm just way to controlling in who she befriends.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Leading Man said:


> Well, I posted a few threads in the last 30 days in the general section and the considering divorce section. Here's an update. I filed for divorce right after the new year. My wife was having a strong EA with someone and I got sick of sitting at home with the family and letting it happen. Since then, the EA has softened. She says she has no desire to try to work things out for our sake, but is willing to try counseling for us to keep the family together. We both agree that shouldn't be the primary reason for MC, but it's a start.
> 
> Now I have a couple of options. I can put the divorce on hold and go through several months of MC. I can let the divorce continue and also do the MC. My wife would like us to physically separate during this time to see if she likes being w/out me. I'm not for this arrangement. Partly because I have no practical place to go, not to mention the financial factor. Also because I think she will enjoy the extra "freedom" and further convince herself that a separation is desirable. Thirdly, it would be less time with our sons. If I let the divorce continue, the court will decide within a month who stays in our home and who leaves. To me, that outcome is a toss-up.
> 
> Back to the MC. As I've posted previously, we've been together 16 years, married 12, 3 sons. She brings up 6 to 8 situations in our 16 years that convince her that I'm not what she wants in a husband. MC, in my opinion will help greatly with dealing with those situations. But she also mentions that even though she finds me attractive, she has a desire to be with a taller man both in bed and walking down the sidewalk. I'm concerned that MC may not be much of a benefit in dealing with that issue. So I'm wondering if it's futile to think that with MC she might see me in a different light or if our marriage still has a shot at being great. Any thoughts?


She has no desire to work thinks out. Her words.

She wants a taller man. Is the OM taller?

Do not leave the marital home. If she wants to separate, she goes.

The only reason I would go to MC is to watch her squirm.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You're worried about looking weak? I hope you take this to heart. You're an absolute doormat. 

You're her husband you're supposed to be controlling about her being with other men.


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## captainkbt (Jan 9, 2013)

Leading Man said:


> I agree she is still in the fog. That's why I filed for divorce. I had to do something to help clear her head. Her affair was with a man who is paralyzed from the chest down. Limited movement of arms as well. Technically it was/is a PA since she did admit to kissing him.


Ok....considering that you said she wants a "taller man both in bed and walking down the sidewalk"....this "affair" with a man in a wheelchair is sounding a bit bizzar. 

Do you think she needs some professional help?


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## captainkbt (Jan 9, 2013)

Emerald said:


> She wants a taller man. Is the OM taller?


NO.....he is in a wheelchair!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

captainkbt said:


> NO.....he is in a wheelchair!!!


Maybe he's taller in bed? That gives her 50% of her new criterea.


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## captainkbt (Jan 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Maybe he's taller in bed? That gives her 50% of her new criterea.


Sorry leading man.....we dont mean to be making light of your situation. Just a little irony here......have you mentioned this contradiction to her?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

LM,

If you have hard proof, you should expose her to her family that way you can counter all the BD she's been throwing out there about you.

This may also help to push her out of the fog

While THIS guy may be wheelchair bound and all his parts may not be working, I'll bet my bottom dollar that down the road she'd find someone taller than you who has all the working parts for a proper PA.

Continue with the divorce. It isn't final until you sign the papers anyway


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

captainkbt said:


> NO.....he is in a wheelchair!!!


So he is a temporary OM until she meets a taller one that can walk beside her.

Just when you think you've heard everything...sigh....


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