# When Cheating’s the Issue, Remorse Helps



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

I definitely thought this article would interest TAM readers.

When Cheating’s the Issue, Remorse Helps

From the article:

*"Ms. O’Shea considers spouses who are cheated on as people who are dealing with grief and loss."*

"Still, while a couple _may _become stronger, *rarely do they regain complete trust*. “You forgive, but you don’t forget,” she said. "


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I definitely thought this article would interest TAM readers.
> 
> *rarely do they regain complete trust*.


Trust is an interesting issue. I agree that rarely (if ever) is trust ever fully regained.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Yes once the trust is decimated by infidelity it colors the whole world...there is no going back for the BS.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> You forgive, but you don’t forget


Yep. Correct. When your friend borrows 5k from you, and makes no real effort to repay...you forgive him. You don't lay awake at night thinking about how to "get even" with him, you relinquish all rights to "take it back" from him.

However, loaning him another 5k is a totally different question. Ain't gonna happen. Not in this lifetime. 

I once became vulnerable and open to this person who has now betrayed me in the worst possible way. Nothing. Nothing left here at all. Don't want her, don't want to be within 10 miles of her, have anything to do with her ever again.

My current wife and I told each other at the beginning of this marriage (both of us came from marriages in which we were cheated-on) that it's "one strike, you're out". There will be no counselors, pastors, self-help books, or midnight conversations.
It's DONE. Stick a fork in it.

We both tried, after the adultery, to "rebuild" our marriages. Both our WSs continued to blame us for their affairs. Remorse was nowhere to be found, they were "justified"....


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Looking back it wasn't the A that took away all the trust or the ability to get it back. It was all lie's and other unkind acts that followed D-Day. I'm not saying that she has no chance of ever being welcomed back but I don't think she has the strength to do what it would take to do so. That is up to her now as I have for the most part washed my hands of this mess she brought into our home.


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

True, the trust never fully returns.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Fairly short article with common info, once again referencing the 1990s Kinsey study, but the power of remorse can't be overstated for reconciliation. If the wayward blame shifts, gaslights, trickle truths, etc... the damage continues and real repair can't begin. They must own up to what they did and take real steps to help fix whatever was broken.

I agree trust is something I'll never give in the same way I gave it before. I trusted her 100% after 12 years of fidelity, and I never would have believed she would be capable of betraying me, let alone doing it repeatedly and lying to me with a straight face.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

TJW said:


> Yep. Correct. When your friend borrows 5k from you, and makes no real effort to repay...you forgive him. You don't lay awake at night thinking about how to "get even" with him, you relinquish all rights to "take it back"


Seriously? Let him get away with $5K? And make no effort to get it back? Let me tell you something, if he makes no effort to pay me back, then he's was never my friend; I never want to see him again because I don't associate with low lives. If he doesn't have enough respect for me to make at least a token effort to give me something, then he is untrustworthy and I'll make sure everyone knows about it. That's not a friend.

Same thing if my wife was banging some slug; why should i continue to associate with her? If she doesn't have enough respect for me not to be getting sperm shots from another guy, then she has proven herself untrustworthy and a low life and I'll make sure everyone knows about it. That's not a wife. Why take a chance on giving her another shot at disrespecting me.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TimesOfChange said:


> True, the trust never fully returns.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Love the meme....


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I am not sure I would ever trust my WS ever again. Even after we agreed to try one last time to make it work, he continued to lie/betray me. He has not seen her since 7/10 a week before our decision to work on the marriage, but they talk daily, sext and she sends porn vids to him ever day. I think that is all she does all day because she works from home most days. He sees no problem with it - I do and will not tolerate it. I still love him and would give anything for it to work, but it won't because he will not cut her off 100%. The reason being they have known each other since HS. I don't care how long they have been friends, it has crossed the line and I will not tolerate that friendship. She is stupid to send those porn vids of herself via email, but think she is either stupid or just don't care who sees them.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

pollywog said:


> I am not sure I would ever trust my WS ever again. Even after we agreed to try one last time to make it work, he continued to lie/betray me. He has not seen her since 7/10 a week before our decision to work on the marriage, but they talk daily, sext and she sends porn vids to him ever day. I think that is all she does all day because she works from home most days. He sees no problem with it - I do and will not tolerate it. I still love him and would give anything for it to work, but it won't because he will not cut her off 100%. The reason being they have known each other since HS. I don't care how long they have been friends, it has crossed the line and I will not tolerate that friendship. She is stupid to send those porn vids of herself via email, but think she is either stupid or just don't care who sees them.


Is your husband truly remorseful? It does not sound that way....


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I cannot trust someone who betrayed my trust, even if I forgive. But I would decide to trust or at least start from 50/50 with a new person who did me no wrong. Not everybody is a cheater, and everybody deserves a fair chance. I throw away the emotional baggage from the exes when entering a new relationship.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> I cannot trust someone who betrayed my trust, even if I forgive. But I would decide to trust or at least start from 50/50 with a new person who did me no wrong. Not everybody is a cheater, and everybody deserves a fair chance. I throw away the emotional baggage from the exes when entering a new relationship.


Once trust is ruptured by such a betrayal it makes sens to me that it never fully returns - even if the couple reconciles...


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Is your husband truly remorseful? It does not sound that way....


No he is not remorseful. He is sorry he hurt me, did not mean for it to happen etc., but no remorse. For some reason he feels justified because he did not get what he needed at home. We are moving forward with separation and/or divorce.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

pollywog said:


> No he is not remorseful. He is sorry he hurt me, did not mean for it to happen etc., but no remorse. For some reason he feels justified because he did not get what he needed at home. *We are moving forward with separation and/or divorce.*


I'm very sorry for your pain but his lack of remorse makes a true reconciliation impossible. The spouses that do stay with a WS who is not truly remorseful suffer for decades...


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I'm very sorry for your pain but his lack of remorse makes a true reconciliation impossible. The spouses that do stay with a WS who is not truly remorseful suffer for decades...


Thank you. He is not remorseful because he stays in touch with her on a daily basis. I agreed to work on the marriage and so did he, for about a week. He sent her an apology and it started right back up.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

pollywog said:


> Thank you. He is not remorseful because he stays in touch with her on a daily basis. I agreed to work on the marriage and so did he, for about a week. He sent her an apology and it started right back up.


You deserve better than that....way better


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

pollywog said:


> Thank you. He is not remorseful because he stays in touch with her on a daily basis. I agreed to work on the marriage and so did he, for about a week. He sent her an apology and it started right back up.


Another poster had recently asked whether or not her husband should apologize to his affair partner. This is why pretty much everyone said no way. I'm sorry he blame shifted and showed no interest in doing what it took to have a shot at reconciling, but you did the right thing.

With regards to regaining trust: I feel my level of trust in relationships has been lowered overall now and in the future, so it's not as if a new partner would take me back to where I was before the affair. I trusted my WW 100%, and there were few things I was more sure about than her faithfulness to me. What happened taught me that it can happen to anyone. You're never really safe - it's an illusion. That level of security, which I guess was false and never really existed, is what I really lost. Ignorance was bliss, but I do miss it. 

Infidelity reminders are EVERYWHERE - so many things (e.g. songs, phrases, movies) have new or enhanced meaning to me now, and the smallest cue can get my mind rolling for hours.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

TJW said:


> We both tried, after the adultery, to "rebuild" our marriages. Both our WSs continued to blame us for their affairs. Remorse was nowhere to be found, they were "justified"....


Hey TJW. How did you try to rebuild the affair? Did you do the heavy lifting in trying to rebuild? Did you go to marriage counseling? How long did you try for? 

The reason I ask these questions is I am at the end of my trying to rebuild. I lived almost 2 years in limbo and said "MC or lawyer time" about 5 weeks ago. We've been to MC 5 times and while those sessions are open and honest, nothing is happening outside of it. My WS continues to think what she did was not that bad because our marriage was not good. Basically takes no responsibility for her actions and places blame on me. 

The other thing I've noticed is how she shapes what she says to her family & friends to make it look like she really didn't do anything wrong....that I was the one that was "crazy" for looking at her cell phone, FB, etc to bust her affair. It's disrespectul and simply not the whole truth. I'm done with it.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I heard a therapist offer this opinion.

"If you have total and complete trust in your spouse then you will not notice the "signs of cheating" and recognize them for what they are." Most betrayed spouses look back and say "I know my spouse's behavior changed, but I never expected this. I did not think WS was capable of this". Reality is a b*tch.

So if you never recover the "complete and total trust" in your WS - that is not such a bad thing in my opinion.


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