# Serious confession made to me, what do I do??



## wcw65

Im almost 30 years old, male, and I am crying as I type this. I need help, serious answers only please. My soon to be wife made a confession to me earlier today. We have been together almost a year, wedding date in September. Her parents are devout Baptists, and I got their blessing for marriage. 

My soon to be wife still lives with parents, has a farm to maintained and does that as help to her parents. Her parents have a friend who brings their son down every summer so he can get away from his home state. He is 14 currently. He is currently down and lately I have noticed tension between them and just a very weird feeling I had in my gut. She has known him since he was born. She made the confession to me that last summer before she met me, he was down for the summer and 13 at the time. She was working so many hours, under a lot of stress, and not thinking clearly. He had been pressing her for Sexual activity as any 13 year old boy would. Apparently she let him finger her about 4 different times throughout last summer. She said she had been drinking coolers at the time and wasn't thinking clearly. 

I am devastated, have been crying for hours now, and texting her telling her how I feel. I don't know what to do here! I love her but at the same time I'm disgusted. We've already put tons of money into the wedding. Invitations have already been sent out. How can something like this be repaired? 

After this revelation, I am still in pure shock. We have since went seperate ways to think. We are talking via text because I am too upset to talk on the phone. 

What was going through her mind??? She says there was no Sexual attraction, she was overworked and stressed out, and wasn't thinking clearly. I am torn, even though it happened before we met, I am at a loss as to what was going through her head, why she allowed him to do it, I even question if I'm really her first love, it feels like the trust is gone.


----------



## tacoma

This happened before you met?

Don`t see the problem other than her proximity to him now.

Get her out of her parents house or have him stay away.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best

and her being a child molester


----------



## pidge70

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> and her being a child molester


:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

You realize she is a child sex offender. That isn't a few coolers, that's someone who can't be trusted around children,

And btw, 13 yr of kids do not pressure grown women for sex, and grown women would stomp them down hard if they did,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wcw65

tacoma said:


> This happened before you met?
> 
> Don`t see the problem other than her proximity to him now.
> 
> Get her out of her parents house or have him stay away.


The problem is her being 28 and him being 14. She's known him since he was born. I believe her when she says she never touched him, but she let him touch her on 4 occasions. I have a problem with what her frame of mind was/still is. It was a complete blow to my trust when she told me this earlier. We had the same talk all couples have, spill their beans and no secrets from here on out. She told me on multiple occasions there were no secrets. The guilt was eating her alive and here we are.


----------



## Shaggy

Oh and he's back a year older and ready for more.

If his parents or anyone finds out and goes to the police she will be charged with having sex with a minor and will be a registered sex offender.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl

Um. Call the cops on this child molester.

And don't marry her. She has MAJOR issues.


----------



## Entropy3000

wcw65 said:


> The problem is her being 28 and him being 14. She's known him since he was born. I believe her when she says she never touched him, but she let him touch her on 4 occasions. I have a problem with what her frame of mind was/still is. It was a complete blow to my trust when she told me this earlier. We had the same talk all couples have, spill their beans and no secrets from here on out. She told me on multiple occasions there were no secrets. The guilt was eating her alive and here we are.


This is not the woman your were looking for.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best

wcw65 said:


> The problem is her being 28 and him being 14. She's known him since he was born. I believe her when she says she never touched him, but she let him touch her on 4 occasions. I have a problem with what her frame of mind was/still is.


i think your thinking is a little clouded.

do you think any of this would matter if it was a 13 year old girl and a 27 year old man and he just let her touch him several times?
and then back in the same house together again?

no difference. she MOLESTED a CHILD, what ever spin you want to put on it.
what ever excuse you want to give her.
no way i would be with someone like that.

you should hit the road.


----------



## wcw65

My biggest issue is coming to terms with this first and foremost. I needed to talk to people first who may have good insight and opinions on the matter. It makes my stomach sick when people use that term, and I understand it's meaning and may be applied to her. I do know for a fact, as another poster pointed out, the boy has always been very touchy feel with her and I raised that as a concern to her, which she said he is just a teenager and denied any culpability. Now fast forward to today and she admits what she let him do. Easiest thing is to just leave her, but so much time, money and energy has been invested in the wedding, as well as my family and friends being notified. 

If I left her, how do I make it right, do I tell her family why I am leaving her so I don't look like a complete ass? Or do I make her tell them?


----------



## EleGirl

Exactly how drunk was she?

I know a guy who claims that when he was 13 he was at a party where a woman in her 20's was very very drunk. He had sex with her.. it was rape... he says that she was so out of it and did not participate. I have no idea if she even could remember it after it happened.


----------



## EleGirl

wcw65 said:


> My biggest issue is coming to terms with this first and foremost. I needed to talk to people first who may have good insight and opinions on the matter. It makes my stomach sick when people use that term, and I understand it's meaning and may be applied to her. I do know for a fact, as another poster pointed out, the boy has always been very touchy feel with her and I raised that as a concern to her, which she said he is just a teenager and denied any culpability. Now fast forward to today and she admits what she let him do. Easiest thing is to just leave her, but so much time, money and energy has been invested in the wedding, as well as my family and friends being notified.
> 
> If I left her, how do I make it right, do I tell her family why I am leaving her so I don't look like a complete ass? Or do I make her tell them?


If you break off the wedding you tell her parents exactly why. They have this kid staying at their place. The need to know what is going on as they could be sued if his parents find out and if indeed she was not over the top drunk.


----------



## bandit.45

No way. Ask for the ring back and then call the cops.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best

you are worried about the wedding and the money?
ridiculous.

you can tell her parents if you like.
you should also call the police as that_girl suggested.

but i would high tail it out and not worry about the damn money.


----------



## PBear

wcw65 said:


> My biggest issue is coming to terms with this first and foremost. I needed to talk to people first who may have good insight and opinions on the matter. It makes my stomach sick when people use that term, and I understand it's meaning and may be applied to her. I do know for a fact, as another poster pointed out, the boy has always been very touchy feel with her and I raised that as a concern to her, which she said he is just a teenager and denied any culpability. Now fast forward to today and she admits what she let him do. Easiest thing is to just leave her, but so much time, money and energy has been invested in the wedding, as well as my family and friends being notified.
> 
> If I left her, how do I make it right, do I tell her family why I am leaving her so I don't look like a complete ass? Or do I make her tell them?


How involved will you be in their lives after you are no longer going to be marrying their daughter? And how exactly do you plan to "make her" tell them? Either you tell, or she tells... Either way, things are ending.

The longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be to call everything off.

C


----------



## Shaggy

And if you marry her, he will still be in her life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wcw65

*sighs* you are all right. It is just so painful right now. I had a hunch something was up, dismissed it as not possible due to age difference, and left it at that. Now this. It's really hard to grasp and let soak in being 6 hours ago we were just two normal soon to be married couple. Now 6 hours later I gave to grasp the fact my fiancee let the then 13 year old boy she knew since he was in diapers finger her! She had said she was willing to accept whatever consequences it was for loosing me as a result of this, or if she got reported. As the minutes go by and I read the replies into am getting stronger and stronger on my stance that she needs to go. But I do need to say something to her parents as they have spent over 5,000 dollars of their money on deposits and downpayment for everything. I can't be the scapegoat who says it's done without an explanation.


----------



## unbelievable

I'd have a really hard time giving a pass to a 28 year old having sexual contact with a 14 year old, wine coolers or not. If I were really charitable, I might buy a one time drunken indiscretion. Four times is a pattern. I don't expect or need a woman to be a saint before I'd consider marriage but I do need someone of sound moral character. This person would have full access to my money. She'd be mother to my children. I wouldn't make myself that vulnerable to just anyone. Her confession is a little incomplete and a bit dishonest, I believe. If I ended up having sexual contact with someone four times, I can't very well say I didn't find them sexually attractive. In any situation involving a 28 year old and a 14 year old, I take for granted that the 28 year old is in charge and that they are 100% responsible for whatever either are doing. They are the adult in the equation.


----------



## PBear

wcw65 said:


> *sighs* you are all right. It is just so painful right now. I had a hunch something was up, dismissed it as not possible due to age difference, and left it at that. Now this. It's really hard to grasp and let soak in being 6 hours ago we were just two normal soon to be married couple. Now 6 hours later I gave to grasp the fact my fiancee let the then 13 year old boy she knew since he was in diapers finger her! She had said she was willing to accept whatever consequences it was for loosing me as a result of this, or if she got reported. As the minutes go by and I read the replies into am getting stronger and stronger on my stance that she needs to go. But I do need to say something to her parents as they have spent over 5,000 dollars of their money on deposits and downpayment for everything. I can't be the scapegoat who says it's done without an explanation.


Why can't she make up whatever excuses she wants to? End it with her, let her deal with her parents and friends. You'll have to deal with your parents and friends.

To me, your bigger issue is whether or not you go to the authorities on this...

C


----------



## bandit.45

And she is lying about the nature of the sexual contact. No way a kid would only stop at fingering her. She most likely, at the very least manually or orally stimulated him as well. 

I would bet money if he were cornered he would paint a much more disturbing picture of what went down. My guess the reason she broke down and told you is because this kid is blackmailing her to have sex with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable

Why use the euphanism "let him finger her"? That's a lame, passive statement. If a 27 year old male received fellatio from a 13 year old female, would you say he "let" her? You'd call him the perv that he was.


----------



## Going Mental

Hang on guys, I actually don't know that he should tell the parents exactly why there will be no wedding. If she molested this 13yo boy (and a court would give her the benefit of the doubt), another question comes to mind for me is...was she molested as a child/teenager? If so, we all know the more likely perpertrator is a relative....some food for thought on what wcw65 should actually tell her parents.

I am not saying this is an excuse, but what I am saying is she told her F for a reason, she obviously is reaching out for help by confessing. Poor wcw65 could just be scratching the surface and by God I hope he's not!


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

I'm sorry this happened to you...you deserve better.

1. Your fiancee is NOT the woman you THOUGHT you were marrying. She is NOT a woman of strong, moral character. She is not a devout Baptist (not if she's getting DRUNK, as she claims). She is NOT a responsible adult.

2. Although $5000 IS a lot of money, it is a drop in the bucket compared to the expense, heartbreak, upheaval this devastating confession is STILL going to bring.

3. IF you marry this woman, what is she going to do the NEXT time she is 'overworked and stressed out' and YOU'RE NOT AROUND? Sleep with a co-worker? A neighbor? The neighbor's KID?

4. ONCE would be bad enough, but FOUR TIMES? FOUR TIMES? If it's true that she was drinking/drunk then *I* would say she has a drinking problem....as well as an impulse-control problem.

5. *Tell your fiancee (face-to-face) that the wedding is off PERMANENTLY* and demand your ring back. *Tell her you WILL be reporting the child molestation to the authorities.* We're all sure that this child's parents (and he IS a child...and a young child last year when she molested him) are NOT sending him to visit the farm with the expectation that he is engaging in sexual acts with a GROWN WOMAN. I'm sure they would be horrified and disgusted! *YOUR responsibility, YOUR duty, YOUR thinking must focus on the child and his parents! THEY are the injured parties here...not you *(you're disappointed and disgusted, but your trust has been breached NOWHERE near as badly as these parents').

6. Tell your fiancee's parents that YOU are calling the wedding off and they can talk to their daughter for more details...then LEAVE.

7. Notify the authorities that your ex-fiancee has admitted to you that she had sexual contact with a 13yo boy. Do what is necessary to protect this boy and his parents (you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror the rest of your life KNOWING you acted promptly and correctly to protect all innocent parties.)

8. Notify your family and friends that the wedding is off. Tell them that your fiancee admitted to illegal acts that you cannot condone or ignore. If you don't want to go into more detail, then don't. If you want to tell them, then do so. Only YOU know how 'understanding' they will be re: the situation.

9. Move on with NO FURTHER CONTACT with this woman or her family (phone/text/email). If she doesn't 'fess up to them, they'll hear about it from the authorities anyway. You will have done your duty as a citizen, as a man, as a future father of some 13yo.

God Bless You, and I hope your family and friends are there for you in a very trying time. Consider that you have dodged a VERY large bullet because this woman is not at ALL what she portrayed herself to be!


----------



## Toffer

"Easiest thing is to just leave her, but so much time, money and energy has been invested in the wedding, as well as my family and friends being notified"

Call it off! You'll spend alot more time and energy during the future divorce process. Consider this an educational cost that you had to pay for. She needs serious help. She did this FOUR seperate times at least!. I also think she may be minimizing their contact. 

What will you do next summer when you're married and the kid shows up at your house and wants to ba*g your wife or he'll call the cops? How embarrassed will you be then?

She's a child sex offender and she should be kept away from children at all costs


----------



## that_girl

SHE IS A CHILD MOLESTER!

Get your head of our your bum, dry your tears and call the cops.

Then pack her shet and move her out....or just break up. Whatever money is lost, OH WELL.

Geebus. Talk about double standards here....


----------



## Dollystanford

interesting that you seem to blame a 13 year old for 'pestering' her - this is the excuse that a lot of perverts use

a 13 year old isn't emotionally mature enough to understand the consequences of what they're doing, I don't care what anyone says

she's 28!!! If a 13 year old came on to me I'd pat him on the head and send him off with a lollipop

get rid. right now.


----------



## Pluto2

She has committed a crime on a minor. There should be no hesitation, you must all the police and tell them what she confessed and let them handle it. You must. This child needs you.
Call off the wedding NOW, end all contact/communication with her.
You do not have to tell any other family member anything. Let her explain away her crimes.


----------



## Hope1964

You are not seriously considering marrying this woman are you?? Holy crap. There are 3 or 4 billion of us on the planet, the vast majority of whom are NOT child molesters. Drop this one like a hot potato and MOVE ON. 

You do need to help that kid though. He has been molested and the police should be told.


----------



## Gabriel

My sons are 14. If I found out some 28 year old engaged in anything sexual with either of them, I would go after her with everything I had. There's this parent's perspective.

So, given that, don't you think you should call the authorities, like yesterday? If you are worried about your fiance, feel free to warn her you are doing this. Tell her the wedding is off, call the cops. If you do this, there is no need to tell her parents why. They will find out soon enough.

Be thankful this happened now and not after you married her. Wasn't here some movie where this happened? Something Rose? The girl was not 28 though, maybe 21. But the boy was definitely underage. It was even at a farm.

Edit - Ramling Rose with Laura Dern. And she was older.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102753/


----------



## Thor

Two things at play here, the wedding and the boy. The events happened before you met her, so this isn't any kind of infidelity. It is a case of very poor judgment and lack of boundaries. She was 27 and living at home with strongly religious parents, yes? There could be a lot of psychological issues going on within her.

So I think that first off she is not someone to marry, at least not until she has had some good therapy and there are a few more years of observing her. If you were my son I would say just run like your ass is on fire. But I can see how you might want to talk about this with her to understand it better. I don't see it working out well, though, in the long run.

As to the boy, I am not going to jump on the Child Molester bandwagon yet. With my wife's history of being sexually abused it surprises me that I am in the minority here on this. I can remember having crushes on women when I was 13. His side of this is as a more than willing participant most likely. Assuming things are as she described, he touched her 4 times and she did not touch him. Illegal contact? Almost certainly yes it is. Has the boy been damaged? I am nowhere near ready to assume so.

At 13, almost any boy will be thinking non-stop about girls and experimenting with sex. If a 15 yr old girl were to do the same things with him as are described, we would not call it molestation of the boy. I don't condone what happened, but this is nowhere near the same thing as if she had led a 7 year old boy to do the same things. Without further information I am not convinced that the potential legal explosion and the permanent sex offender label is warranted, so I would not be calling the police _yet_.

There is merit to the suggestion that the boy is blackmailing her into more.

There is also merit in the suggestion that she herself may be a victim of molestation. If so, calling the police on her would be the worst thing that could happen right now. She needs therapy if she is a victim.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Thor, totally have to disagree with you on this one.


> I can remember having crushes on women when I was 13.


Sure, all of us had them, doesn't mean we acted on them. Doesn't mean mature men/women took it upon themselves to encourage (or at least NOT discourage) the behavior.


> His side of this is as a more than willing participant most likely.


That is NOT the point! I have a 14yo daughter if she was giving 'hand jobs' to a 27yo man (whether she wanted to or not), I would have a BIG PROBLEM with this! I would be livid.



> Assuming things are as she described, he touched her 4 times and she did not touch him. Illegal contact? Almost certainly yes it is.


1. We're assuming that this woman is correct in that it didn't go farther. She is not exactly a reliable source.
2. There is no "almost" in this situation. It is ILLEGAL, plain and simple. And it is illegal for a reason. He is NOT in a position at 13yo to be capable of making rational, intelligent decisions on what is/isn't appropriate behavior for himself. He is not ready emotionally to be involved with ANYONE much less a full-grown woman!

If this had been a 27yo MAN with whom he'd been having sexual encounters (hand jobs, whatever), would you be appalled?

If she wanted to smoke a bowl of hash with him and he was a "more than willing participant," would THAT make it alright? If she wanted to let him split a pint of Jack Daniels with her and he was a "more than willing participant," would THAT make it alright? After all, booze is legal and he'll be able to drink it legally when he's older.

The fact that he may/may not be damaged by the situation is immaterial. What she did flies in the face of her legal and moral responsibilities to this boy, his parents (who ASSUME he's safe and living in a way they approve of on the farm), and her parents (who are the legal guardians for this boy while he is under their protection.)

The fact that SHE may be a victim of sexual abuse herself is immaterial. That is on HER and she would need to get HERSELF some help.

This is WAY different than 2 same-age children experimenting together. If they were BOTH 13yo, I would STILL be totally appalled. If they were both 15yo, I would be less appalled. They're TOO YOUNG for sexual behavior. But THIS, is a grown-azz woman involved with a very young boy. And SHE'S trying to make herself out to be the 'victim'?!? She's sick. And had OP not uncovered this situation, it would have only ESCALATED. She may very well have mental/emotional issues. But, they should NOT become OP's or this boy's issues.


----------



## grenville

that_girl said:


> Um. Call the cops on this child molester.
> 
> And don't marry her. She has MAJOR issues.


For point 1, I would guess some discretion may be required - a confession is not necessarily proof etc. One point two, absolutely, totally, 100% agree with this, run for the hills right now!


----------



## synthetic

Most of you seem to have absolutely no clue how a 13 year old boy thinks 

I'm not surprised. Adults forget their teens and childhood quite easily.

I don't condone the girl's actions, but to call her a child molester is not necessary. 

Depending on the boy's general demeanor and the girl's level of confidence, the situation may be very different than what you have in mind. She may very well not be the violator rather the victim here.

Stop drawing an evil picture of people based on a few paragraphs. I was 13 myself once and if I had things my way, there would be lots of 20-something girls that would have had my fingers in their holes


----------



## CandieGirl

EleGirl said:


> Exactly how drunk was she?
> 
> I know a guy who claims that when he was 13 he was at a party where a woman in her 20's was very very drunk. He had sex with her.. it was rape... he says that she was so out of it and did not participate. I have no idea if she even could remember it after it happened.


Sorry, but rape for who? Her or him? How skewed (and sick) is that.


----------



## synthetic

> If this had been a 27yo MAN with whom he'd been having sexual encounters (hand jobs, whatever), would you be appalled?


That's the difference between boys and girls. A 13 year old boy has a very different sexual world than a 13 year old girl.

A 13 year old boy can be very much capable of luring a 27 year old girl into sexual acts, while seldom any 13 year old girl can make advances on a grown man without consent.

Minds are wired differently. Why is this so hard to admit to for many?


----------



## that_girl

omg. If this was a 14 year old girl and a 28 year old man, you'd all hang him by his balls.

Gross.

Legal is legal. This isn't legal. He is a minor. Case closed.


----------



## that_girl

synthetic said:


> Most of you seem to have absolutely no clue how a 13 year old boy thinks
> 
> I'm not surprised. Adults forget their teens and childhood quite easily.
> 
> I don't condone the girl's actions, but to call her a child molester is not necessary.
> 
> Depending on the boy's general demeanor and the girl's level of confidence, the situation may be very different than what you have in mind. She may very well not be the violator rather the victim here.
> 
> Stop drawing an evil picture of people based on a few paragraphs. I was 13 myself once and if I had things my way, there would be lots of 20-something girls that would have had my fingers in their holes


Why the hell are you calling her a girl? She's a WOMAN. A woman who let a minor finger her. 

Issues....

I teach 5th grade. The kids are ages 10 to 12. Sick.


----------



## Dollystanford

I don't care about 'the minds of 13 year old boys'

there's a lot of girls that age who THINK they are mature and sexual and know what the hell they are doing

they don't


----------



## synthetic

^^ That_Girl,

The case is clearly not closed here.

You can't compare the 2 situations. Not everything is so easy to analyze as the law-book wants us to believe.

At 13 and 14 boys are sex bullets. They can master manipulation, psychological trick games like you wouldn't believe. I have seen and experienced this first hand. 

The girl should've employed more restraint and common-sense, but I would not portray her as the evil most people here have.


----------



## CandieGirl

synthetic said:


> Most of you seem to have absolutely no clue how a 13 year old boy thinks
> 
> I'm not surprised. Adults forget their teens and childhood quite easily.
> 
> I don't condone the girl's actions, but to call her a child molester is not necessary.
> 
> Depending on the boy's general demeanor and the girl's level of confidence, the situation may be very different than what you have in mind. She may very well not be the violator rather the victim here.
> 
> Stop drawing an evil picture of people based on a few paragraphs. I was 13 myself once and if I had things my way, there would be lots of 20-something girls that would have had my fingers in their holes


You may be right about that (I certainly haven't forgotten my teens, I was downright obsessed!). But I'd been sexually abused, and it's very common for survivors to become hyper-sexual as a result. At the age of 13, I recall wanting sex very badly...but it would have been wrong for a grown man, say 20's to take advantage of that, no matter how much I may have wanted it. 
And a 27 year old woman is not a girl.


----------



## tacoma

As a 15 year old boy I was having sex with 20somethings fairly regularly.

I don't feel like I was molested
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl

It doesn't matter what the sexual prowess of a 13 or 14 year old boy is :rofl: 

The law matters. An older woman can and should have the scrupples to put the kibosh on such matters.

Call the cops and see if they'll say, "Oh he's just a 13/14 year old boy. Boys will be boys." ....Bet they won't.


----------



## that_girl

tacoma said:


> As a 15 year old boy I was having sex with 20somethings fairly regularly.
> 
> I don't feel like I was molested
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So it goes by how the person feels?

My sister was screwing men in their 30s when she was 12 and 13. She wanted to. Does that make it less offensive bcause she doesn't feel molested? She still doesn't feel molested. She got things for it...smokes, beer, pot. Should my stepmom ignored it when she found out because my sister didn't "feel" molested?

Why have laws at all then.


----------



## Hope1964

If that's how most 13 year old boys minds work then THANK GOD I don't know how they think. Frankly, I am pretty sure that most 13 year old boys don't pester 27 year old women for sex. The kid very well may need help - in fact he probably does.

But the mind of the 13 year old boy isn't what's the matter here. No matter what he said or did, no 27 year old woman has any right being anywhere NEAR him in any remotely sexual way.

It isn't us just pulling this out of our a$$es. it's the law.


----------



## that_girl

As a teacher, and a mandated reporter, if I knew about this in my personal life, I would report it instantly. My job could be lost if I don't...even if he wasn't my student. Sorry, law wins.


----------



## synthetic

The law is designed to keep the population in order and protect the victims.

A 13 year old boy fingering a 27 year old woman is far from a victim. It's not appropriate, but it's very different than child molestation. 

Enforcing the law in this case may cause more harm to individuals than it may benefit them. The law doesn't care about particular situations. It's a broad brush that is used to keep things under control. And it's not perfect. 

A law that cannot distinguish between this particular case and a 7 year old girl getting molested by a 40 year old is actually quite pathetic. If that makes me a criminal, so be it. I don't submit to a a law that states a 27 year old woman allowing a 13 year old to finger her is a "child molester"! That's stupid.


----------



## tacoma

that_girl said:


> So it goes by how the person feels?
> 
> My sister was screwing men in their 30s when she was 12 and 13. She wanted to. Does that make it less offensive bcause she doesn't feel molested? She still doesn't feel molested. She got things for it...smokes, beer, pot. Should my stepmom ignored it when she found out because my sister didn't "feel" molested?
> 
> Why have laws at all then.


Not my point really.

Exposing his wife as a pedophile doesn`t seem to be what the OP wants nor does it seem to be the crux of his problems.

From his OP exposing in that way seems likely to do more harm than good for him.


----------



## CandieGirl

Expose or not, one thing for sure, is I'd dump her a$$ in his shoes. It's just GROSS.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

This is the biggest red flag I've ever heard of! Tell the boys parents, press charges against her and do not marry her!

If she truly loved you, this would of never happened. She knew what she was doing and she'll do it again married to you or not.

So sick. She is a child molester. The boy is just a baby!


----------



## PBear

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> This is the biggest red flag I've ever heard of! Tell the boys parents, press charges against her and do not marry her!
> 
> If she truly loved you, this would of never happened. She knew what she was doing and she'll do it again married to you or not.
> 
> So sick. She is a child molester. The boy is just a baby!


He can't press charges against her. She didn't do anything to him. All he can do is tell some authority what he was told, and then it's hands off.

C


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best

synthetic said:


> That's the difference between boys and girls. A 13 year old boy has a very different sexual world than a 13 year old girl.
> 
> A 13 year old boy can be very much capable of luring a 27 year old girl into sexual acts, while seldom any 13 year old girl can make advances on a grown man without consent.
> 
> Minds are wired differently. Why is this so hard to admit to for many?


WTF!?


----------



## Thor

CandieGirl said:


> At the age of 13, I recall wanting sex very badly...but it would have been wrong for a grown man, say 20's to take advantage of that, no matter how much I may have wanted it.
> And a 27 year old woman is not a girl.


My comments were/are based on assuming what the OP wrote is accurate of the facts: "He had been pressing her for Sexual activity as any 13 year old boy would. Apparently she let him finger her about 4 different times throughout last summer. She said she had been drinking coolers at the time and wasn't thinking clearly."

I see this as the boy made multiple unsuccessful attempts to get some kind of sexual contact with her before she agreed. The only contact was him touching her. She blames part of her poor decision on being intoxicated.

Based on this information, the boy was the pursuer all along. She was wrong to let it happen even once, but she was not the pursuer, and she did not do it for her own sexual gratification. To me that is a huge difference than sex abuse with a pre-pubescent child who does not understand sexuality in any way, with the pursuer being an adult, and the purpose is the sexual gratification of the adult.

I am not approving of what happened at all. But _based only on the short description by the OP_ the boy has not suffered emotional trauma nor has his life been ruined by these 4 events.

If she is turned in to the police, though, a legal firestorm is going to come down on her and her family, plus the boy is going to get dragged into the mayhem. There is going to be enormous grief dumped onto everybody involved. The lives of everyone involved are going to be forever stained, ruined, or damaged.

So far it appears to me that the likely devastation the legal system (*not * a justice system) would impose is far out of balance with the alleged crime.

My wife was sexually abused at an early age, and so I am far too familiar with how CSA can destroy the life of the victim and also do great damage to the lives of the victim's spouse and children. If I were to know the name of the perp, and if he were still alive, I would endeavor to visit holy Hell upon him to the greatest possible extent.

I just don't see this woman being in anywhere near the same category as a predatory child sex abuser who targets young children for his/her own sexual pleasure.


----------



## wcw65

Thank everyone for their candid replies. It's nice to see a diverse set of point of views. Her reasons for not telling me are: she ain't want to loose me, and she put it in the back of her head in an attempt to forget about it. She doesn't remember any other details about the situations, I asked many questions to which she doesn't remember. I also called her out on the fact two coolers will not make someone drunk or even tipsy enough to impede their judgement. There is more than is being said. 

I know what I have to do now, as painful (but not painful due to the situation) as may be, I just can't see myself with her anymore. Thanks again for all the replies.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> She doesn't remember any other details about the situations, I asked many questions to which she doesn't remember. I also called her out on the fact two coolers will not make someone drunk or even tipsy enough to impede their judgement. There is more than is being said.


As was pointed out, we only have HER word for how far things actually went. And NOW she 'doesn't remember.'

If she did, in fact, have ONLY TWO coolers, then she remembers damned well what happened and doesn't want to say.

If she had more than TWO coolers, she may not actually remember what happened, and it could be a lot more than just 'fingering' (which is BAD enough in itself.)

Still hope you're going to notify the authorities OR, at least, this boy's parents!


----------



## Almostrecovered

synthetic said:


> That's the difference between boys and girls. A 13 year old boy has a very different sexual world than a 13 year old girl.
> 
> A 13 year old boy can be very much capable of luring a 27 year old girl into sexual acts, while seldom any 13 year old girl can make advances on a grown man without consent.
> 
> Minds are wired differently. Why is this so hard to admit to for many?



and why is this so hard to realize that 13 year olds whether male or female are not old enough to consent to having sex in the US

therefore it is rape, even if he asked for it


----------



## that_girl

I was 26 when my brother was 13 and his friends would be at the house when I visited.

NEVER ONCE did they push me for sex and I'd known most of them since they were 5. I had babysat a couple. Lord knows what they were thinking about my sexy body, but they never pushed it. omg. 

:rofl:

Wtf? I don't buy it at all. I think she flirted with him and he responded.


----------



## Lon

synthetic said:


> Most of you seem to have absolutely no clue how a 13 year old boy thinks
> 
> I'm not surprised. Adults forget their teens and childhood quite easily.
> 
> I don't condone the girl's actions, but to call her a child molester is not necessary.
> 
> Depending on the boy's general demeanor and the girl's level of confidence, the situation may be very different than what you have in mind. She may very well not be the violator rather the victim here.
> 
> Stop drawing an evil picture of people based on a few paragraphs. I was 13 myself once and if I had things my way, there would be lots of 20-something girls that would have had my fingers in their holes


I remember quite clearly, as a 13 year old boy, being fascinated and horny for females BECAUSE I WAS GOING THROUGH PUBERTY. I also wanted to experience some vagina when I was that age, doesn't mean it was in my best interest to have a sexual experience with an adult. Just because a child wants something doesn't negate the moral and legal duty of an adult to ensure his best well-being.

Nor does a 13 year old have the prowess to pursue a mature woman - this to me simply indicates that the OP's fiance has the same maturity and moral sense of duty as a child. For this 27 year old woman to take it upon herself to personally educate this boy on the female sex is child abuse.


----------



## Thor

Almostrecovered said:


> and why is this so hard to realize that 13 year olds whether male or female are not old enough to consent to having sex in the US
> 
> therefore it is rape, even if he asked for it


I don't argue the letter of the law on this one. But the letter of the law isn't necessarily morally correct, nor is unleashing the full fury of the legal system always the best course of action.

If a 17 yr old boy has consensual sex with a 15 yr old girl it is legal. The next day is the boy's 18th birthday and they again have consensual sex. She is still 15 yrs old. The 3rd day is the girl's 16th birthday, and once again they have consensual sex.

On the first and third days, it was legal sex. On the middle day it was statutory rape because he was over 18 and she was under 16. There have been cases like this. The 18 yr old is now a convicted rapist, a lifelong felon, and forever a registered sex offender.

I see the OP situation as being where the fury of the legal system will create far more damage to everybody, including the boy, than the original escapades did.


----------



## Shaggy

So this all happened last summer just beire the two of you met.?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bluebeauty

Mind blown...


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> where the fury of the legal system will create far more damage to everybody, including the boy, than the original escapades did.


1. FIRST she puts the most innocuous 'spin' on it she could..."he touched me, I never touched him"

2. THEN, after more probing by OP, fiancee creates a NEW 'spin'..."I don't remember" exactly what happened

Could they have had sexual intercourse? Damned straight they could have. Would THAT be OKAY? Even though he was 13 yo?

THIS is NOT an escapade! That's what I would call a 13yo 'fingering' another 13yo. This is AT BEST 'unlawful sexual contact with a minor' (if just 'fingering') and AT WORST 'statutory rape' (if anything more).


----------



## unbelievable

Dollystanford said:


> I don't care about 'the minds of 13 year old boys'
> 
> there's a lot of girls that age who THINK they are mature and sexual and know what the hell they are doing
> 
> they don't


Hey, 12 year old boys would probably love to finger every 27 year old female. They'd also love to get drunk, drive, run away from home to join rock bands, never go to school, subsist on ice cream, and never go to sleep. This is why God made adults and this is why the State requires more from adults than goofy kids. This is why we have felony laws prohibiting sexual contact between adults and children. This is why adults get into topless bars and kids can't. I know what goes through the minds of 13 year olds....foolishness. A child's goofy idea isn't an excuse for an adult's decision to commit a major felony.


----------



## Thor

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> 1. FIRST she puts the most innocuous 'spin' on it she could..."he touched me, I never touched him"
> 
> 2. THEN, after more probing by OP, fiancee creates a NEW 'spin'..."I don't remember" exactly what happened
> 
> Could they have had sexual intercourse? Damned straight they could have. Would THAT be OKAY? Even though he was 13 yo?
> 
> THIS is NOT an escapade! That's what I would call a 13yo 'fingering' another 13yo. This is AT BEST 'unlawful sexual contact with a minor' (if just 'fingering') and AT WORST 'statutory rape' (if anything more).


If there is more to the story than given, I agree it is not an escapade. Could they have had intercourse? Yes, sure, but we have not been told that. People are jumping to all kinds of conclusions on the nature or extent of what happened, when all we have been told is that the boy pursued the woman, and he fingered her 4 times. People are calling for her to be crushed by the law and for the boy to be subjected to the hell of the investigative process and public scrutiny simply because it is the letter of the law.

Imagine it is exactly as told to us. How much psychological damage has been done to him if the events were exactly as stated by the OP? Would it be wise to subject the boy to the questioning and the pressures of the prosecutorial investigation? Would it be wise to subject the boy to the ridicule and harassment he would likely be subjected to by his school mates and friends? How much damage would be done to him by the system if she is prosecuted?

It is suspicious that she doesn't remember. If there is more to the story, I think the boy's parents should be notified, and they should have the decision on notifying authorities based on the facts and circumstances.


----------



## Trojan John

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

I don't think I'd report her,but I would tell her to get therapy to see how she could have done this. She's 28 and still lives with her parents. Is she socially awkward and naive?

I wouldn't marry her. It sounds like you haven't been with her long and you do not want someone with her horrible judgement in your life.

Break the engagement and tell her parents tonak her why.

I also doubt he stopped at fingering her. She did something in return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

Thor said:


> I don't argue the letter of the law on this one. But the letter of the law isn't necessarily morally correct, nor is unleashing the full fury of the legal system always the best course of action.
> 
> If a 17 yr old boy has consensual sex with a 15 yr old girl it is legal. The next day is the boy's 18th birthday and they again have consensual sex. She is still 15 yrs old. The 3rd day is the girl's 16th birthday, and once again they have consensual sex.
> 
> On the first and third days, it was legal sex. On the middle day it was statutory rape because he was over 18 and she was under 16. There have been cases like this. The 18 yr old is now a convicted rapist, a lifelong felon, and forever a registered sex offender.
> 
> I see the OP situation as being where the fury of the legal system will create far more damage to everybody, including the boy, than the original escapades did.


And you know the boy is "fine" how?

And dont muddy up an 18 year old with a 15 year old with a boy who is only 13 with a grown woman 15 years his senior, that's a huge difference


----------



## pidge70

Thor said:


> If there is more to the story than given, I agree it is not an escapade. Could they have had intercourse? Yes, sure, but we have not been told that. People are jumping to all kinds of conclusions on the nature or extent of what happened, when all we have been told is that the boy pursued the woman, and he fingered her 4 times. People are calling for her to be crushed by the law and for the boy to be subjected to the hell of the investigative process and public scrutiny simply because it is the letter of the law.
> 
> Imagine it is exactly as told to us. How much psychological damage has been done to him if the events were exactly as stated by the OP? Would it be wise to subject the boy to the questioning and the pressures of the prosecutorial investigation? Would it be wise to subject the boy to the ridicule and harassment he would likely be subjected to by his school mates and friends? How much damage would be done to him by the system if she is prosecuted?
> 
> It is suspicious that she doesn't remember. If there is more to the story, I think the boy's parents should be notified, and they should have the decision on notifying authorities based on the facts and circumstances.


I don't know where you live but,the scenario you described would be statutory rape here on all 3 days. Age of consent here is 17.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

I have a 13 year old boy myself right now and I would be vociferously trying to get that woman thrown in jail if that happened to him. (and get a specialist for my son)


----------



## unbelievable

It is quite possible that this woman is an adult survivor of child sexual abuse, herself. It's also possible other adults knew of her abuse and for whatever reason, failed to intervene. Now we have a new victim. This cycle typically continues until someone steps up and does the right thing.


----------



## LaxUF

This is a subject matter that unfortunately I know far too well. I have now calmed down enough from reading this thread to put together a rational response without interjecting too many personal emotions. 

I first want to direct you to the following link where you will find contact information for your state as well as the state in which the boy resides: Related Organizations List: State Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Numbers

In my personal opinion little concern should be given to weddings, deposits, or explanations. She could be subject to Federal charges as the boy traveled out of state in addition to state charges potentially ranging from 1 to 4 counts for child molestation, aggravated child molestation, sexual battery, etc.. *If you cannot understand the magnitude of what has happened then whether or not you marry her is of little importance.* If you fail to report her you will have become a willing accompliace; legally in 20 states and I'd dare to say through failed moral principles in most parts of the world. 

I will highlight the most important items to focus your attention on CLEAR CUT information that you need to fully absorb, so please forgive the wall of text.

*FACT: Consent is not a matter of consideration, and is not available as a defense to a charge of child molestation or sexual abuse. Federal and state laws do not recognize a child capable of issuing consent for any sexual acts.*

Child molestation is a crime involving a range of indecent or sexual activities between an adult and a child, usually under the age of 14. In psychiatric terms, these acts are sometimes known as pedophilia. It is important, however, to keep in mind that child molestation and child Sexual Abuse refer to specific, legally defined actions. They do not necessarily imply that the perpetrator bears a particular psychological makeup or motive. For example, not all incidents of child molestation are perpetrated by pedophiles; sometimes the perpetrator has other motives for his or her actions and does not manifest an ongoing pattern of sexual attraction to children. Thus, not all child molestation is perpetrated by pedophiles, and not all pedophiles actually commit child molestation.

Regardless of the terminology, *it is illegal for an adult to engage in "lewd and lascivious" acts with a child*. *Even in cases where it can be proven that the minor victim was a willing participant, a sex act or improper touching is still a crime* because children cannot legally consent to anything. There are reasons why criminal penalties are severe for those convicted of child molestation.

Child molestation victims rarely grow into adult offenders however, child victims are more likely to become offenders of other children and adults before becoming an adult themselves. *Symptoms of sexual abuse in older children and adolescents include: Promiscuity, Substance abuse, Aggression, and Pseudo-mature behaviors.* She could have been abused as a child which would lead to poor boundaries however - that is irrelevant as *she is an adult that knows the difference between right and wrong*.

*Is this boy around other children* who could be or become victims either by him *or by who may have abused him* which led to his behavior??? *What if this boy escalates his behavior to rape or other violent sexual acts???* *None of us can answer that question which is why YOU need to report this crime to professionals who can determine the best course of action.*

There is no single profile that accurately describes or accounts for all child molesters. There are many variables among individuals in terms of their personal characteristics, life experiences, criminal histories, and reasons for committing such offenses. One common misconception is that molested children grow up to become child molesters themselves. But, in fact, most childhood sexual abuse victims do not go on to become perpetrators. In some instances, if a child is sexually victimized, and is abused in other ways as well, he or she may later molest a child. Likewise, a sexually abused child who also exhibits antisocial behavior may go on to commit acts of child molestation, although an individual's inadequate social and interpersonal skills do not make it inevitable that he will sexually abuse children.

Children are often refuse to report an incident because they are ashamed or they fear retaliation (blame, punishment) from the perpetrator, peers, family, etc.. It would not be surprising if the boy refused to admit to any of the acts given the close interpersonal relationships or if he was a "willing participant". However, that *does not excuse the adults (including you) from reporting the crime*. 

In* 20 states,* *citizens who suspect abuse* or neglect *are required to report it.* “Reasonable suspicion” based on objective evidence, which could be firsthand observation or *statements made by an adult,* parent or child, is all that is needed to report. *She confessed to you; it is now your legal and ethical responsibility to report it if she is unwilling.*

State statutes vary but all receiving federal funds must comply to minimum standards and are generally uniform in context. The following are examples of state statutes dealing with sexual molestation: 

*16-6-4. Child molestation; aggravated child molestation.*
A person commits the offense of child molestation when he or she does *any immoral or indecent act *to or in the presence of or *with any child under the age of 16 years with the intent to arouse or satisfy the sexual desires of either the child or the person*.

*SEC. 97-5-23. Touching, handling, etc., child.*

(1) *Any person above the age of eighteen (18) years*, who, for the purpose of gratifying his or her lust, or *indulging his or her depraved licentious sexual desires*, shall handle, touch or rub with hands or *any part of his or her body or any member thereof,* any child *under the age of fourteen (14) years, with or without the child's consent, shall be guilty of a felony. * 

*SEC. 97-3-95. Sexual battery.*

(1) A person is *guilty of sexual battery if he or she engages in sexual penetration with:*
(a) another person without his or her consent; 
(b) A mentally defective, mentally incapacitated or physically helpless person; or 
(c) *A child under the age of fourteen (14) years*

(2) A person is guilty of sexual battery if he or she engages in *sexual penetration with a child of fourteen (14) but less than eighteen (18) years if the person is in a position of trust or authority over the child including without limitation the child's* teacher, counselor, physician, psychiatrist, psychologist, minister, priest, physical therapist, chiropractor, *legal guardian, parent, stepparent, aunt, uncle, scout leader or coach.*

P.S. If anyone over the age of 18 ever attempts to seduce or molest my 14 year old son... at least one of us is going to jail and/or the hospital.


----------



## timeforpain

Something to think about that (I think) has not been mentioned:

Almost certainly you are reporting a crime. Even though you believe yourself to be anonymous on this forum, it's very likely you are not. Your IP address is easily available to admins, and (if subpoenaed) to law enforcement. Through this, they have a good chance of tracking you down.

I have no idea if a law enforcement agency would have the will and resources to do this, but you probably should be aware of this.

Similarly, anyone you ask for advice on this, and anywhere you go for support (eg a counselor, psychologist, lawyer, priest) will have a legal obligation to report the crime.

So think carefully about what you want to happen since your fiancee has essentially given you the power here.

That said, I would not marry a woman who would drink enough to lose so much of her judgement so easily. I guarantee you'd be back here in a few months asking about how to deal with another sexual indiscretion...


----------



## wcw65

I've been able to talk to both the boy and her. The boy claims she encouraged him to on multiple occasions, he felt forced to do something he didn't want to do. He claims she would get really close to him when they would lay outside looking at the stars. I tend to believe his story. It seems plausible. 

She claims he pressed and pressed her while under stress. She then says she was mad at god because she was alone and hadn't found anyone yet. She claims she doesn't remember certain details, but vehemently denies ever initiating it, or having him touch her sides or legs as he states. 

I have text messages from both parties and am currently trying to work up to telling someone about this, namely his parents first. I feel as if she does remember every detail, remembers initiating it, but doesn't want to admit it? She claims she put everything on the table for me, why would she tell a half lie and not the whole truth? I feel like she could tell me what happened easier if she painted him to be a liar and manipulator, and saying that he pressed and pressed her. I feel like if she told me what I think the truth is, she knows I'd leave her in a heart beat. 

We are currently seperated. I have to tell his parents or someone about this. Am I seeing the whole picture the right way? Is there a strong possibility that she did in fact initiate it, based on her vague memory and being mad at god to try and justify it? Basically a he said she said scenario. I'm trying to get proper help for the boy, and feel he's comfortable enough to open up to me about it.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

1. I'd believe the boy over her. SHE has changed her story from a more innocuous form of contact to "I don't remember." She has also tried to shift blame (drinking, the boy, God, lonliness, stress.) HE has NOT tried to use the bravado of youth that one would expect from him if he, indeed, was the pursuer (ie, "Yeah, she really wanted me, she was into me, etc.) 

2. Regardless or WHO pursued WHOM, it was an illegal act EVERY TIME it occurred. There is no state in the US where a 13yo of either gender can legally consent to sexual acts. Nowhere. She is culpable, he is NOT (even if he BEGGED her for it...which I don't believe he did.)

3. I, personally, would report it to the local law enforcement agency. Tell them what she confessed to you. Tell them what the boy said to you. Let them sort it out. Let them notify the boy's parents (they're more experienced at it than YOU are.) They will be able to tell the parents whether or not there is enough info to move forward in prosecuting or whether there is an alternative if they don't want to prosecute. They can direct the parents toward the proper resources for the boy.

That is my opinion.

And you should thank GOD every day that you have dodged a bullet with this very screwed-up woman.


----------



## bandit.45

wcw65 I'll pray for you brother. Man this is the saddest story I have heard in a long time. You must be beyond heartbroken. So sorry you are going through this.

I believe you have a moral obligation to tell the police what you know. I know you love her, but doing the right thing means doing what is most painful sometimes.


----------



## wcw65

Go


bandit.45 said:


> wcw65 I'll pray for you brother. Man this is the saddest story I have heard in a long time. You must be beyond heartbroken. So sorry you are going through this.
> 
> I believe you have a moral obligation to tell the police what you know. I know you love her, but doing the right thing means doing what is most painful sometimes.


I got off the phone with her mom. We had a confidential conversation and I said everything that was told to me. I feel tons better knowing that others know and maybe the healing process can start for that boy. A family meeting was called and I was summoned to attend. Unfortunately I am unable to attend. She has a lot of explaining to do, especially when she accuses him of twisting stuff around. We had talked earlier because her parents knew and she asked me for advice. Come clean is the only thing to do. Thank you for the encouragement and strength everyone has given me. 

It's easier said than done, the one you love confesses an affair, or an indiscretion that she never told you about, but God forbid it involves a child the pain is ten times worse.


----------



## wcw65

And frankly, I do understand my ip is available to administrators, and law enforcement should they need it. She has already said she would be willing to face any consequences including loosing me. If any law enforcement agency does come looking for me, I have everything archived and will provide them with what is needed. As hard as that is to say, I never knew the woman I fell for did something I despise most, child molesters, child pedophile, children abusers, ect... 

Still a big hole in my heart and don't know how to repair it.


----------



## that_girl

Almostrecovered said:


> And you know the boy is "fine" how?
> 
> And dont muddy up an 18 year old with a 15 year old with a boy who is only 13 with a grown woman 15 years his senior, that's a huge difference


A-freakin-men!! Because on his next birthday he'll be 14 and she'll be 28.

Nuff said.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> Still a big hole in my heart and don't know how to repair it.


If you're religious, talk to your spiritual advisor. You might also try some short-term IC to help you come to grips with this. Am wishing you the best and hope you find peace in the next few months.

You are doing the right thing and you have a lot of people's respect here at TAM.


----------



## Entropy3000

Thor said:


> I don't argue the letter of the law on this one. But the letter of the law isn't necessarily morally correct, nor is unleashing the full fury of the legal system always the best course of action.
> 
> If a 17 yr old boy has consensual sex with a 15 yr old girl it is legal. The next day is the boy's 18th birthday and they again have consensual sex. She is still 15 yrs old. The 3rd day is the girl's 16th birthday, and once again they have consensual sex.
> 
> On the first and third days, it was legal sex. On the middle day it was statutory rape because he was over 18 and she was under 16. There have been cases like this. The 18 yr old is now a convicted rapist, a lifelong felon, and forever a registered sex offender.
> 
> I see the OP situation as being where the fury of the legal system will create far more damage to everybody, including the boy, than the original escapades did.


And if this was a 27 year old man and a thirteen year old girl? How does that have anything to do with a 17 year old and a 15 year old?

Ummm. No this is absurd. This is not a gray area. This is clearly wrong. This is not a technicality. This is some kid in middle school and an adult predator.


----------



## that_girl

I am just FLOORED by some of the responses on this thread. I am sickened and saddened by some of the nonchalant attitudes that chalk this up to pubescent experimentation.

it's unbelievable and I hope to god if my child was EVER in this situation, the people who think this is ok are NOT the people she tells about it.


----------



## bandit.45

Recently here in Arizona a county supervisor's wife (in her mid forties) was arrested and convicted of repeatedly molesting a 14 year old boy over a period of three years. After she was convicted, her 20 something daughter was arrested and convicted for molesting the boy also! Mother and daughter molesters! Can't imagine the torment her now ex-husband went through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear

Keep in mind it's not your job to investigate and judge. You know more than enough to decide what you want to do. Hand over what you know to the trained professionals and let them sort things out.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## golfergirl

synthetic said:


> ^^ That_Girl,
> 
> The case is clearly not closed here.
> 
> You can't compare the 2 situations. Not everything is so easy to analyze as the law-book wants us to believe.
> 
> At 13 and 14 boys are sex bullets. They can master manipulation, psychological trick games like you wouldn't believe. I have seen and experienced this first hand.
> 
> The girl should've employed more restraint and common-sense, but I would not portray her as the evil most people here have.


Tell that to the teachers (female) who have been convicted having sex with their students.
Sorry it's a crime, she's a creep. He's a kid. Most normal women can't even go there in their mind. Seriously eeeeew!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## golfergirl

golfergirl said:


> Tell that to the teachers (female) who have been convicted having sex with their students.
> Sorry it's a crime, she's a creep. He's a kid. Most normal women can't even go there in their mind. Seriously eeeeew!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OP you've done the right thing. Sorry for your situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

what an incredibly difficult situation to be in and what moral character to do the right thing as OP did


----------



## Halien

OP,

In my opinion, you are doing the right thing. Its very hard, and I'm sorry for what you are going through. Some young guys who go through what this young boy did might outwardly brag, but I think it is surprising how this impacts many of these boys. Its very common for boys like him to grow into an adult who finds it very hard to really open up with the women in his life as people, and not hold them at arms length. What she has done has very likely altered the way he'll deal with these relationships, maybe even robbing him of real depth until he can come to grips with the notion that not all women are like this one, who claimed to be an important person in his life, but made it into a superficial thing.


----------



## Thor

Entropy3000 said:


> And if this was a 27 year old man and a thirteen year old girl? How does that have anything to do with a 17 year old and a 15 year old?
> 
> Ummm. No this is absurd. This is not a gray area. This is clearly wrong. This is not a technicality. This is some kid in middle school and an adult predator.


We have a lot more information now. I said from the start that I did not condone what happened, but also called for some _deliberation_ before calling in the authorities. All we had at the beginning was the report that the boy pressed himself on her when she was intoxicated. It was not clear at all who was the pursuer or what the nature of the encounters were.

Let me paint one possibility from the original scenario. She was the victim of child sex abuse and now suffers sexual and emotional issues which lead her to be unable to say no. She is promiscuous. The boy is was a precocious 13 yr old with street smarts who had learned he could manipulate her and that she was emotionally fragile. So he pressed himself on her. The alcohol easily plays into this scenario.

This is not impossible. Many CSA victims find themselves again victimized by predators when they are older. Sometimes repeatedly by different males.

Before running off to the police to declare she molested the boy, I felt it would be wise to consider the options rather than react rashly. With the miniscule amount of information we had from the OP, I did not feel it was wise counsel to advise the OP to call the police. There is a difference between us jabbering between each other theoretically and the real world consequences had the OP followed any particular advice.

Calling his parents immediately would make a lot more sense than what everybody was advising, which was to call in the authorities.

Male perpetrators can be very different than female perpetrators. Thirteen year old boys can be very differently motivated than similarly aged girls. It is not to me automatically an equivalent situation on the surface to a 27 yr old male involved with a 13 yr old girl.

Both she and the boy have powerful motivations to lie about whatever happened. I doubt the truth will ever be known. With the additional information we have, yes the authorities should be brought in. So should his parents. Her parents are likely circling the wagons with lawyers and alibis now that they are informed.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> Let me paint one possibility from the original scenario. She was the victim of child sex abuse and now suffers sexual and emotional issues which lead her to be unable to say no. She is promiscuous. The boy is was a precocious 13 yr old with street smarts who had learned he could manipulate her and that she was emotionally fragile. So he pressed himself on her. The alcohol easily plays into this scenario.


In your scenario, I still would have called the authorities IMMEDIATELY, no question about it, no deliberation, no doubt.


If she is unwilling/unable to get herself professional help, her attorney can request it for her...in prison.


----------



## Entropy3000

Thor said:


> We have a lot more information now. I said from the start that I did not condone what happened, but also called for some _deliberation_ before calling in the authorities. All we had at the beginning was the report that the boy pressed himself on her when she was intoxicated. It was not clear at all who was the pursuer or what the nature of the encounters were.
> 
> Let me paint one possibility from the original scenario. She was the victim of child sex abuse and now suffers sexual and emotional issues which lead her to be unable to say no. She is promiscuous. The boy is was a precocious 13 yr old with street smarts who had learned he could manipulate her and that she was emotionally fragile. So he pressed himself on her. The alcohol easily plays into this scenario.
> 
> This is not impossible. Many CSA victims find themselves again victimized by predators when they are older. Sometimes repeatedly by different males.
> 
> Before running off to the police to declare she molested the boy, I felt it would be wise to consider the options rather than react rashly. With the miniscule amount of information we had from the OP, I did not feel it was wise counsel to advise the OP to call the police. There is a difference between us jabbering between each other theoretically and the real world consequences had the OP followed any particular advice.
> 
> Calling his parents immediately would make a lot more sense than what everybody was advising, which was to call in the authorities.
> 
> Male perpetrators can be very different than female perpetrators. Thirteen year old boys can be very differently motivated than similarly aged girls. It is not to me automatically an equivalent situation on the surface to a 27 yr old male involved with a 13 yr old girl.
> 
> Both she and the boy have powerful motivations to lie about whatever happened. I doubt the truth will ever be known. With the additional information we have, yes the authorities should be brought in. So should his parents. Her parents are likely circling the wagons with lawyers and alibis now that they are informed.


I think it is wrong to hold men to a different legal standard in child molestation.

I think the great majority of perps in this world have any number of tough things happen to them in life. The prisons are overflowing with them. BUT there are a lot of sex offenders who were not dealt with right away. Given a free pass. 

Again I do not see how one gender gets a free pass and the other does not. If a man for doing the same thing is branded for life and must be registered this should be true for a woman as well.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Even if she HAD been a victim of CSA, as in your hypothetical situation, when IF EVER does SHE have to take responsibility for her problems? When does anybody? 

"Oh, I'm a victim of (bad parenting, broken home, unfortunate circumstances, etc.) and I (didn't mean it, couldn't help it, didn't want to)...." At some point, YOU are responsible for your own actions. At some point, you have to stop blaming your parents. At some point, you have to stop blaming your circumstances.

If you don't like the way your parents raised you, your community disappointed you, your friends misled you, whatever...GET YOURSELF SOME HELP and QUIT BLAMING OTHERS. It's okay if you're screwed up at 18...if you've still got the SAME PROBLEMS at 28, it's on YOU. Get your head shrunk!


----------



## SabrinaBlue

wcw65, I am so sorry for you being in this situation. It would be hard enough to deal with if she was just a friend, but the woman you love and planned to marry? Rough stuff. 

That being said, please ... as others have urged, contact local law enforcement about this. She committed a crime. She's a child sex offender. There can be explanations, but no excuses. The boy she harmed needs help. _Your_ help. If you truly despise this sort of crime like you say you do, then your way forward is clear. Call the authorities.


----------



## Thor

Entropy3000 said:


> I think it is wrong to hold men to a different legal standard in child molestation.
> 
> I think the great majority of perps in this world have any number of tough things happen to them in life. The prisons are overflowing with them. BUT there are a lot of sex offenders who were not dealt with right away. Given a free pass.
> 
> Again I do not see how one gender gets a free pass and the other does not. If a man for doing the same thing is branded for life and must be registered this should be true for a woman as well.


I agree with you that a perp is a perp, and they should be punished equally. The fact remains that adult men and women can have very different reasons for sexual activity, and sexually mature boys have different psychology and sex drives than sexually mature girls. So I don't think there is necessarily any similarity between this particular case vs a case with a 27 yr old man having sexual contact with a 13 yr old girl.

My point about not rushing to dial 911 to turn her in was based on the very limited information originally given. She could be the victim of a rape by the boy. With CSA she could be quite vulnerable, and the kid might not be the sweet innocent country bumpkin from Mayberry. Or maybe she is screwed up but not a predator, who agreed to let the kid experiment some. Perhaps upon consultations between the boy's parents and a psychologist the parents might not want to have their son put through the legal system. Parents and rape victims make this calculation all the time.

I am all for the harshest of penalties for child molesters. There was just not enough information in the first post to come to the conclusion what had transpired.


----------



## Thor

Entropy3000 said:


> UFB


So you see adult male offenders to be driven by the same motivations as adult female offenders, and they engage in the same modes of abuse? And you see 13 yr old boys as having the same sexual behaviors and urges as 13 yr old girls?

Based on the later information posted, I still don't know if the woman is a predator, if she is psychologically deficient, or if she was the victim of the boy. But yes it is time to get the authorities involved.

Based on the original brief description, do you see no chance the boy might have raped or manipulated the woman? You see no chance that there might have been a whole lot more to the story than originally posted? You have never heard of the system and society being brutally hard on a child victim? My call for caution was based on the idea of making things worse by calling in the storm troopers.

The follow up post could have gone something like the OP had talked with the boy and the woman. She said the boy, who is from the city and was already sexually active when he showed up on the farm last year, encouraged her to drink the coolers. She went along with it and then he pressured her when she was intoxicated. Afterwards he blackmailed her into doing it again several times. The boy admitted to substantially the same story.

But the OP had already called the police. When they showed up the woman admitted to allowing the boy to touch her. The boy then says she encouraged him to do it.

Or the follow up posts could have gone something like she admitted to encouraging the boy, and she feels guilty but also admits to liking this kind of pedophilia.

We had no way of knowing what the real story was.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

> The follow up post could have gone...She said the boy, who is from the city and was already sexually active when he showed up on the farm last year, encouraged her to drink the coolers. She went along with it and then he pressured her when she was intoxicated. Afterwards he blackmailed her into doing it again several times.


Given this scenario, she would still be 100% CULPABLE.

If, at 27 years old, she had STILL NOT ADDRESSED her own problems, it is ON HER HEAD. She doesn't get to shirk her adult responsibilities by claiming her 'victimhood' and YET at the same time REFUSE to do anything about seeking assistance. Talk about cake-eating! She can't have it both ways.


----------



## golfergirl

Thor said:


> So you see adult male offenders to be driven by the same motivations as adult female offenders, and they engage in the same modes of abuse? And you see 13 yr old boys as having the same sexual behaviors and urges as 13 yr old girls?
> 
> Based on the later information posted, I still don't know if the woman is a predator, if she is psychologically deficient, or if she was the victim of the boy. But yes it is time to get the authorities involved.
> 
> Based on the original brief description, do you see no chance the boy might have raped or manipulated the woman? You see no chance that there might have been a whole lot more to the story than originally posted? You have never heard of the system and society being brutally hard on a child victim? My call for caution was based on the idea of making things worse by calling in the storm troopers.
> 
> The follow up post could have gone something like the OP had talked with the boy and the woman. She said the boy, who is from the city and was already sexually active when he showed up on the farm last year, encouraged her to drink the coolers. She went along with it and then he pressured her when she was intoxicated. Afterwards he blackmailed her into doing it again several times. The boy admitted to substantially the same story.
> 
> But the OP had already called the police. When they showed up the woman admitted to allowing the boy to touch her. The boy then says she encouraged him to do it.
> 
> Or the follow up posts could have gone something like she admitted to encouraging the boy, and she feels guilty but also admits to liking this kind of pedophilia.
> 
> We had no way of knowing what the real story was.


No one does, that is why you report it and let professionals investigate. I don't know if sex with a woman was a adolescent fantasy of yours and that's why you're so against turning her in, but as a woman, a teenage boy could hold a gun to my head and I still wouldn't do it. Serious ick factor from a sexually healthy woman. Ewww and ick. If she needs help, so be-it, but she is still responsible. If it happened to her, sorry, but she needs to be stopped. You're blaming the victim. As if a 13 year old kid would have that kind of power over an adult woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator

For a 27 year old woman to do that is beyond reprehension, not to mention blatantly illegal! Wine coolers be damned; they are certainly no excuse! And what, if any guarantees, do you have that this activity is still not going on? Her word?

This should certainly be more than a clear signal to you that if you were to follow through with the marriage to her, then your future life with her would be vastly filled with so many trepidations as to totally make your head spin.

Take this as a warning to run, not walk away, from this marriage as fast as you can. This needs to be shared with her immediate family as well as with this boy's family, and then with the local legal authorities. I'd fastly start with the local DA's office.

There is so much more in store for your life that God has planned for you. She conversely needs immediate psychological/psychiatric help. I wish you well, my friend. My prayers are with you!


----------



## Thor

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Given this scenario, she would still be 100% CULPABLE.
> 
> If, at 27 years old, she had STILL NOT ADDRESSED her own problems, it is ON HER HEAD. She doesn't get to shirk her adult responsibilities by claiming her 'victimhood' and YET at the same time REFUSE to do anything about seeking assistance. Talk about cake-eating! She can't have it both ways.


The follow up scenario was that she was the victim of rape, not that she molested the boy. Her description and the way she did it could be consistent with a rape victim trying to let the news out to her fiance.

I agree that if she has some kind of mental/emotional problems she is still culpable if she sexually abused the boy. The additional information provided by wcw65 does indicate she had inappropriate sexual contact with the boy. Both she and the boy have a lot of motivations to lie about it now, so the truth will likely never come out, but I suspect it was more involved than has been revealed.

The problem on a forum like this is that we read a few short sentences about a situation which has been filtered by the writer, and then everybody jumps in with advice. In the real world the OP has to deal with real consequences. In this particular thread with only the brief original description I saw lots of opportunity for the situation to be something other than a clear case of child sex abuse. 

A call to the authorities accusing someone of being a child sex abuser is an irrevocable action which _will_ damage or destroy a number of lives including the accused, the alleged victim, and their families. wcw65 was not in a clear state of mind to make a reasoned evaluation of what he had been told, so I was simply advising a short time out before making that phone call to the authorities.


----------



## Thor

golfergirl said:


> No one does, that is why you report it and let professionals investigate. I don't know if sex with a woman was a adolescent fantasy of yours and that's why you're so against turning her in, but as a woman, a teenage boy could hold a gun to my head and I still wouldn't do it. Serious ick factor from a sexually healthy woman. Ewww and ick. If she needs help, so be-it, but she is still responsible. If it happened to her, sorry, but she needs to be stopped. You're blaming the victim. As if a 13 year old kid would have that kind of power over an adult woman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was not blaming the victim. The first post only described the situation as "He had been pressing her for Sexual activity as any 13 year old boy would. Apparently she let him....". There is no way to know what really happened or who the victim was. Was it rape by him? Was it rape by her? Was it more or less sexual contact than she reported to wcw65?

Taking things at face value, the boy made several advances on her. She would be absolutely wrong to agree to anything sexual under any circumstances. On the scale of child sex abuse with respect to how damaging it is to the child, this situation could rank very low. Or very high.

Before we had further information I posted concern that the boy could be greatly damaged by the legal system. So I advised caution before jumping to conclusions and calling authorities. Somewhere in there I advised contacting the boy's parents first.


----------



## WhereAmI

You have contacted a thirteen year old boy to ask him sexually explicit questions. I think it's best to call the police now, as you're officially covering a crime AND depending how the investigator feels, sexually harassing a victim. 

I'm having a hard time understanding how anyone can feel this was okay. A child was molested by an adult. It shouldn't matter if his hormones are making him act out sexually. She knew damn well not to have sexual relations with a child. If he doesn't get help now he may grow up to molest children as well. Only this time a girl may be the victim, which are the only children some of you think need to be protected. We need to protect and help EVERY child. Frick!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator

Thor said:


> The follow up scenario was that she was the victim of rape, not that she molested the boy. Her description and the way she did it could be consistent with a rape victim trying to let the news out to her fiance.
> 
> I agree that if she has some kind of mental/emotional problems she is still culpable if she sexually abused the boy. The additional information provided by wcw65 does indicate she had inappropriate sexual contact with the boy. Both she and the boy have a lot of motivations to lie about it now, so the truth will likely never come out, but I suspect it was more involved than has been revealed.
> 
> The problem on a forum like this is that we read a few short sentences about a situation which has been filtered by the writer, and then everybody jumps in with advice. In the real world the OP has to deal with real consequences. In this particular thread with only the brief original description I saw lots of opportunity for the situation to be something other than a clear case of child sex abuse.
> 
> A call to the authorities accusing someone of being a child sex abuser is an irrevocable action which _will_ damage or destroy a number of lives including the accused, the alleged victim, and their families. wcw65 was not in a clear state of mind to make a reasoned evaluation of what he had been told, so I was simply advising a short time out before making that phone call to the authorities.


Given this, and as painful that it is, I feel that you are compelled to let the local authorities lend investigation into this matter. 

As her fiancee', you do not have any prevalent legal privilige or obligation to protect her, since you are not currently married to her. Ergo, you are now a potential material witness to a possible commission of an offense, and the onus is now upon you, for the safety and welfare of both of these individuals, to timely disclose what information that you know about to the proper authorities. Choosing not to do so could possibly make you culpably responsible of your own accord in being an accessory.

Let the local authorities investigate and make their own findings. It should not be in your hands any longer!


----------



## Thor

arbitrator said:


> Given this, and as painful that it is, I feel that you are compelled to let the local authorities lend investigation into this matter.
> 
> As her fiancee', you do not have any prevalent legal privilige or obligation to protect her, since you are not currently married to her. Ergo, you are now a potential material witness to a possible commission of an offense, and the onus is now upon you, for the safety and welfare of both of these individuals, to timely disclose what information that you know about to the proper authorities. Choosing not to do so could possibly make you culpably responsible of your own accord in being an accessory.
> 
> Let the local authorities investigate and make their own findings. It should not be in your hands any longer!


Since you quoted my response I will say that given what has now been added to the story I agree. Both the woman and the boy are saying that some kind of sexual contact was involved, so despite any disagreements in their stories there is ample reason to believe _something_ happened which was illegal and morally wrong.

My call for caution which I have been attacked for was based not on all of the followup information which we now are aware of, but only on the first sketchy snippet written by the OP who was in a lot of emotional distress and apparently not able to think clearly.

I think wcw65 should not have talked to the boy at all. This could greatly taint any prosecution of the woman. It could also be damaging to the boy. wcw65 should have talked to the boy's parents immediately. If I were the parents I would be livid at him for talking to the boy about it. Asking the ex-fiance more about it was probably a wise thing to do in order to get some clarification of what she first said.


----------



## the guy

Going thru this tread I had a mind set that at 13, I would have been a shy little boy, and the intimination fact of being with a older women........would lead to believe now that the women was the preditor.

Then thinking this thru, is a a 13 yr old boy.....32 years ago the same 13 yr old boy in today society? I think that if I was cop, my 1st thing is pull the hard drive for both parties involved. 

In this thinking it could be the evidence of a behavior pattern. Maybe alot of porn on the 13yr olds computor going back to when he was 12. OR, lots of young boys on the women computor. Either way my point is there could be a behavior pattern that could answer the question on who pressued who.

I'm sure if this goes to court any good lawyer would pull computer files to achieve a behavior pattern.

Thats my $0.02


**************disclaimer***********************

Not trying to justify this crime by any means, just thought the who pressured who was interesting.


----------



## mompres

She was 27 and he was 13. PERIOD! 

She is a sexual abuser. Period!

Many are sexual abused in their lives sadly. That doesn't give them an excuse to repeat the behavior. Period!

Women abusers are no different than male abusers. Period!

The OP contacting the boy was way over the line. Period!

Leave her now and contact the authorities before this gets any worse than it is.


----------



## mompres

I'm sorry. I was so riled I didn't mention how sorry I am for all that you are going through. This must be so horrible for you and I can't imagine the toll it must be taking on you. I hope that you can eventually put this all behind you and find peace and happiness. I truly wish you all the best.


----------



## Thor

mompres said:


> She was 27 and he was 13. PERIOD!
> 
> She is a sexual abuser. Period!
> 
> Many are sexual abused in their lives sadly. That doesn't give them an excuse to repeat the behavior. Period!
> 
> Women abusers are no different than male abusers. Period!
> 
> The OP contacting the boy was way over the line. Period!
> 
> Leave her now and contact the authorities before this gets any worse than it is.


I agree with you under the condition that this was not a case of her being raped. Probably, given my reading of things, this is a case of her abusing the boy. My wife was abused as a young child, so I am well aware of the fallout on everybody involved. I have no tolerance for child abuse.

But the post above yours by The Guy has a point that we are presuming that this 13 yr old is an innocent child. There could be so much more to this story than what it appears on the surface. Just for a reference, here is an article about a recent event where a 13 yr old boy attempted to carjack two people. Shooting death of 13-Year-old ruled justifiable - ABC 33/40 - Birmingham News, Weather, Sports

Yes the authorities should now be called in. Yes it should be thoroughly investigated.


----------

