# What now?



## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

Ok, so lots new going on these days. Some might remember my story (erased my journal now), but last I had written was about New Years Eve. We ended up spending it together at his place, our kids were at my parents house like we all usually are. We hung out, played video games, watched a movie and were physical for the first time (in any way except for massages) since we separated in June.

So we were texting on Jan 3rd.. all innocent stuff, nothing important. Somehow in that conversation it turned to my councilling and I mentioned, in passing, when he checked out of the relationship. Now what I said had nothing to do with our relationship, I was mentioning the convo me and my IC were having about a certain time period and it was brought up that thats when I felt he was starting to pull away.


** For those that don't know, I had been dealing with depression for a few months, starting get really bad in march or so (not that I realized what it was). I had made an appointment through work to see a councillor a week before our fight. We had a fight, I told him to leave. He was gone a week, came back but said it was for the kids. He doesn't want to be with me. I hurt him, he doesn't love me anymore, etc. We lived together until September and he moved out. **

So, ignoring, everything else I was talking about.. the convo turned to this:

H: So u telling me ur councillor thinks I had checked out when we were together and that why we're not?

Me: What? Where did you get that from what I said? We weren't discussing our relationship at all. She wasn't saying anything about you.. we were discussing the time period *explained again what was talked about*. Besides "checking out" is just the process it took to get to the point where you decided you'd rather end the relationship then be in it. Its not as though you were doing something wrong.

H: But the thing is, I never checked out. Its just after, I felt I had no choice.

** I know following response will not be looked at positively**

Me: "Husband", you came back a week after our fight and told me you don't love me anymore. You've never wavered from that. I don't know about you, but I don't think after 15 years, its possible to stop loving someone in a week.

H: To be honest, I was just saying that because I was hurt. I still loved you.

Me: I'm sorry I hurt you. I wish I would have known that earlier.

H: I am sorry, it was wrong of me, but I was hurt too.

Me: I know

H: I still love you. I'm not 100% happy with this situation either, I just think its better than fighting all the time.

We pretty much ended the conversation there.

So, H has the kids on the weekend. I dropped the kids off at his place friday around 8 because I was going out with some friends. I checked my phone around 11 and had 3 texts from him. One of them was asking if I could bring some envelope for him on sunday when I get the girls. So I texted him back and said "Yes I will look for it. Give my girls a kiss for me and tell them I love them". 

I didn't see my phone again until 1 am. Had 2 texts from him:

Text 1: I already gave them kisses for you. They are in bed now. We love u too.

Text 2: Can you even drive?

I texted back and said, I'm not going home, I'm staying at so and so's place (I live 20 mins out of city now). Figured he'd be asleep when I responded, but wanted him to know I didn't drive anywhere.

So my friend and I went back to her place to watch a movie and my phone starts buzzing. Text messages from H.

#1: *My Name*, I know its hard for u to believe, but u are worth it. Otherwise we wouldn't have been together for 15 years. The bottom line is I am still not sure if this (separation) is what I want, but also, I am scared to go back to u. Not easy as u may think.

#2: Just the fact that things will end up being the same again. Its not easy with my condition, u know that.

*He has sickle cell anemia and went into complete kidney failure Oct 2010. He is on permanent disability. While I was absolutely awful to live with, especially the last month or so we were together and don't fault him AT ALL for leaving, I've always suspected that he felt his illness was the cause of my depression*

#3: Thats why, as of now, I don't plan on ever being with anyone again, just die alone. Anyway, I going to bed. Goodnight.

Of course, I responded. Gave him a long text about how illness had nothing to do with my depression. That I don't care whether he is sick or healthy. I've supported him through it for 15 years and I will continue to support him regardless.. etc, etc. Then said good night. 

So this afternoon he texts me and says he is taking our girls to this play center thing and asks if I want to come with them. I decided to go. We spent the day there and then I dropped them off and came home. I laid down to watch a movie then I get a text from him again:

H: I wanted to say thanks for coming today. I had fun

Me: Yes it was fun. I planning on picking the girls up shortly after 9 tomorrow. I will call before I leave the house. You are welcome to come if you want

(swimming lessons start tomorrow. This is the first time for our youngest who just turned 3).

H: Sounds good. I will come with you guys. I was thinking about that but I wasn't sure if I should ask or not. Thanks, I appreciate it.


So, what do I do from here? I don't want to get wrapped up in false hope, however, I don't want to pull away either. I guess my best best, probably only bet, would be to continue let him come to me and be there when he does, but don't allow myself to let thoughts of us consume me. What an experience this is, not in a good way.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Did you guys try MC at all? Did either of you suggest it but the other rejected? That would seem a logical step if he is being totally genuine in what he is saying?


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

I suggested It a few times early on. We did go to one about a month or so after our separation. We were placed with one through my work program. It was a disaster. He was not ready. We walked in the councillor asked what we wanted out of it. He said he wants to split amicably so we can still do things as a family (??). Her response was "you won't be doing things as a family if you aren't together". I offered up that I wanted to try work it out and was there to discuss our relationship. She said to me that there is no need to discuss the relationship because there isnt one anymore. She proceeded to spend the rest of the hour giving me suggestions regarding getting a roommate so I could afford it. Discussing arrangements for kids etc. needless to say, that was the only time we saw her. He told me in a conversation later that his heart was just not ready for it. We never tried again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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