# its been a week.......



## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

I just found out my wife cheated on me after 6 years of marriage! 
My situation really sucks. I work across the country and I'm away for 4-6 weeks at a time. My work has stopped for a few months. I've been home now for a couple months. Since then a few co-workers moved to my city where I live. They soon met my wife and hung out with us and partied together from time to time. Soon they were hanging out without me being there and she got close to one of them. Our marriage was rocky for the past couple months. There was name calling and lots of verbal/ mental abuse! She continued to go out for coffee/ drinks with just this one individlual and started to open up and vent her problems with me to him! I've noticed this and ask wtf was going on but she always said their just friends! I'm 27 years old/ she's 27 this friend is 23 and a big looser/ dumbass at work who we all make fun of! Regardless they had a special connection - gave eachother advice etc.... One night when I was going to bed I noticed her Facebook was open with msgs from him to her. I noticed them flirting and her saying she was laying in bed naked and so was he etc etc... I acted too quick and woke her up- she scrambled and reached for the laptop! She told me they kissed and that's all! She tried to kiss him but he stopped her and told her she's married and I'm his friend etc etc. 
They stopped talking for awhile.
We continued to fight and drift apart! 
I guess they started to talk be "friends" again! 
This past weekend I was at work and came home around 11! 
She was in bed sleeping with our 5 year old son! 
I went on the computer and found her Facebook open! 
So I snooped on her msgs with this motherfucjer! 
I found out msgs how she wants to **** him on her office desk and ****. 
Also a I love you more war , how I love you more no I love you more- lol
I took pictures of everything and woke her up and asked to come downstairs to talk! She cam down and confessed to having sex with him a week ago! 
Wow I'm really destroyed about all this! This lil ***** she cheated with has nothing going for him - no car - no house - sleeps on the floor at someone's house etc... He's a little punk! They way I see it she needed someone to listen and he did! But he ****ed my wife and I work with him! Well not at the moment but soon enough! I don't wanna see him cause I will hurt him bad! I don't know what to do! Should I leave her? 
We have a house, car and most important a child together! 
I don't wanna stay only because of the child! 
I need advice please!!!'
Thats what i posted a week ago on another site but no help.
Now I'm a week in and she obviously thinks its my fault and i pushed her away etc.... I didn't stick his penis in her vagina though. She doesnt want to delete him from facebook witch makes me wonder why> she still has feelings or she's still attached. She wants to get help and work things out but i get the feeling sometimes she doesn't because she used some stupid words and made fun of this situation more and cut my wound deeper. We pretty much fought about this bull**** today and she feels like she didn't do anything wrong.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife screwed another man, and didn't do anything wrong---was she dropped on her head recently

first, do not become mr nice guy, or go lovey-dovey, with her---she has destroyed, her mge, her child, and you---and this needs to be handled harshly

I assume she is a SAHM, so if you dump her, she is gonna be in deep trouble, trying to find work, and keep a kid, and make a life ---so remember, you hold all the cards

If you do not D., and go R---read everything you can, on how to set out boundaries, on how to handle her, and how not to let this get swept under the rug

She thinks its nothing---what kind of morals does she have, or does she not know what the definition of mge. is

As to blame---your wife is solely to blame, for this---and she is where your beef lies, her lover is a total POS, but you did not marry him, and you didn't take vows with him

You need to haul your wife out of her cozy little lifestyle, and give her a dose of reality---kick her out of the marital bedroom---put her, her clothes, and cosmetics, in a small room in the house, and for now that is where she stays, if she doesn't like it, tell her she knows where the door is, cut off her access to marital finances, but let her know, if she wants to stay in the mge---she will from now on pay half of all the marital bills, including all insurances

You will get nowhere in setting up a R., if you are not hard as nails---and keep your single friends away from your house, that right there started this whole mess----you party, with married couples, who are friends of your mge---not with single guys, who are PUA------you put the other guy down as being "nothing", well guess what under the right conditions, mr "nothing", had your wife----if you stay, you are gonna have to become a parole officer, and watch everrything---is that the future, you want, as to a mge/mge partner.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

ask her to leave the home for a couple days to be with him, on the floor in his buddies house. Tell her she choose to ruin your marriage the this POSOM, and you need time to think to yourself. 

I assume she slept with this guy at your house, since he doesnt have one? Only makes the thought worse I know. But get the details of the events, the more you know, the more you know about the person you have marriage vows with.

Seperate your finances with her, see a lawyer and have her served. Give her a big wake up call.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi Onemic.
You may find us a little less than caring and sharing this week. It has been a tough few days on this board and a lot of the vets are a bit tired. Hang in there. You have found a safe place. 

Just a little housekeeping..
DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT THIS SITE. 
DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. YOU DO NOT SAY YOU WILL LEAVE. 
Use chrome and go ingognito. 
Do not save your password.

*Has she told you that she has ended the affair? *


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Regardless of what she told, she did not end it.

There are three main directions of dealing with affair, and you must take all three for any degree of success.

Gather information of where you stand. Do not rely on cheater's words. Get a voice-activated recorder and place it where she is used to talk candidly (her car, bathroom, living room while you're away). Install a keylogger on her PC.

Expose the affair. To her parents, to his SO if he has any. Yes, you really have to do that. Don't argue, just do it. Affairs thrive in secrecy.

Change the relationship dynamics. You are not supposed to beg her to stop cheating on you! She has to beg for you to stay. You have to be mentally prepared to cut your losses and move on. As long as you care more about marriage than her, it's not going to work. Not a chance.

So file and have her served. This will show you will not tolerate sh*t smeared on your face, and ultimately leaves her with no leverage to threaten you with.


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## Disappointedspouse (Aug 14, 2012)

Leave.

Let the jobless loser support her.

You are better than him and her. You did not cheat when your marriage was crap, you tried to work it out.

My vote is leave.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

While divorcing her or reconciling (maybe) is up to you, just make you you DON'T make any statements that you'll never divorce her, be there for her forever etc.


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks for your input guys! 
She says she hasn't talked to him but their only way of communication would be Facebook since he has no phone!
I played a few infidelity videos from YouTube for her tonight and she couldn't handle them. She got upset.Why? I don't know. 
After the videos she wanted to be alone. I left her be. It got late and I noticed she couldn't sleep and was using the washroom frequently and just walking around. 
We haven't slept in the same bed since the discovery. In my head I thought she was MSGing this lil ***** thru Facebook since I seen him online and she was still up. I'm not sure but she got really defensive when I suspected it and asked! 
Ive asked for her to delete him but I've just noticed anyone can send a MSG to anybody without being friends anyways! 
She said she would delete with my presence I just forgot to follow through. We'll do that first thing tomorrow when she returns from work. 
I wasn't planning on leaving or anything just yet! My head is still everywhere and needs to settle! Although at times it seems like a good idea! She can't do anything on her own- or anything around the house that is!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

onemic said:


> She can't do anything on her own- or anything around the house that is!


In a few words, your wife is a worthless sl*t.

You don't need her. Throw her away, especially now that she doesn't show remorse or effort to make it up to you.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Oh. I am sorry. I did not read the last line of your post. 

Note to self. Always read first posts from bottom to top


She either ends it. Deletes him and Never contacts him again or she is out. 
This starts NOW.
She will call you controlling. 
She will swear at you.
She will lie to you. 

How can you tell if a cheater is lying? 
There lips are moving. 
The woman you loved and the mrriage you had has gone. The evil twin is here..


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

onemic said:


> She says she hasn't talked to him but their only way of communication would be Facebook since he has no phone!


I have to repeat, pay no attention to what she says. Only to her actions.

She says they don't communicate. She circles to bathroom to message him.

She says it's over. She refuses to delete him from facebook.

Hope you see the pattern here.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

Im sorry this happened to you. You will have to make a believer out of her. She needs to understand you are perfectly willing to divorce her and expose what she has been doing. Of course she slept with him. You cant believe anything she says right now as she is on the defensive. 

You found the messages. Tell her to write a no contact letter. Get it to the loser. Then explain to her how the affair will be exposed. 

None of this will be easy and again I am really sorry you are having to deal with this.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

onemic said:


> Thanks for your input guys!
> She says she hasn't talked to him but their only way of communication would be Facebook since he has no phone!
> I played a few infidelity videos from YouTube for her tonight and she couldn't handle them. She got upset.Why? I don't know.
> After the videos she wanted to be alone. I left her be. It got late and I noticed she couldn't sleep and was using the washroom frequently and just walking around.
> ...



she doesnt need a facebook period. she needs to delete the whole account. any distraction to the marriage has to be cut out. she will say she needs it to post pics of the kids and keep up with so and so....she can find other ways.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Had sex with him just once - possible, but not likely.

Cheaters are liars. I don't care how honest your wife has been in the past, assume everything she is telling you now is a lie, UNLESS it is supported by actions.

Cheaters follow a script. It really is remarkable how similarly they all act. Your wife is following the script to a T. Blaming you is par for the course.

Your wife is still involved with this other guy. She told him she loved him and she had sex with him. The only reason it ended is that you found out. Do you think she stopped loving him just because of you finding out? All she is doing now is trying to appease you enough so that you won't leave her, while she continues to have a relationship with the other man. She needs you for financial and family stability; she wants him for love and sex. She will do what she has to in order to maintain both, which WILL include a large amount of lying to you. She is dragging her feet on ending Facebook contact. She will set up another way to communicate with him.

IF you want to save your marriage, you have to take some decisive actions to end the affair. There is no guarantee that you can save your marriage. You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

If you want to save your marriage, the first step is to break up the affair. Even if the affair has temporarily stopped, it is likely to start up again unless you take action to stop them. At this moment, you do not know if your wife is in conact or not, you don't know if she is even sincere about wanting to end contact, you don't know the other man's level of interest, and you don't know if they will be able to fight the urge to contact each other even if they try to stop.

Tell your wife that you love her now and have always loved her and that you are willing to work on yourself and work on your marriage, but not if she insists on continuing to cheat on you. Tell her that you want to stay married, but not if she insists on betraying her vows and cheating on you. Tell her that if she is willing to give up the other man, you will work as hard as you can on improving yourself and your marriage, but if she is not willing to give up the other man, you can and will file for divorce and move on without her.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her, you can only control yourself and what you are willing to accept in a marriage and what you are not willing to accept, and how you react to her actions. Tell your wife that in order for you to continue in the marriage, she must meet the following conditions:

*Your wife must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man *stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior, how terrible she feels for risking losing her marriage, family, and husband, which are the most important things in the world to her, and stating that if the other man ever attempts to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him. She gives you the letter for editing and to mail to the other man.

If the other man tries to contact her, she must not respond and let you know immediately.

*Your wife must give you complete access to all communication devices and passwords to accounts*. She must not delete any messages. Also, she has to let you know her whereabouts 24/7 until you develop some level of trust. She must block the other man on Facebook and all other devices and accounts. If you think she should give up Facebook because that is the way they contact each other, then she should give up Facebook.

*Your wife must give you the complete truth about all affair details*. Tell her if you find out anything she tells you is a lie later, it will ruin the reconciliation and you will divorce her. Almost certainly she has minimized the length of time, the number of sexual encounters, and her involvement as far as who pursued who. All of this is fairly recent, you know she remembers all of the significant details very well. You may want to set up a polygraph to verify the major details, such as how many times she has had sex with the other man and the last time she had contact with the other man.

*Tell her that if she refuses to meet any of your conditions you will file for divorce. Then, if she refuses, do it. *Sometimes filing for divorce is the only way the cheater realizes you are serious and they can't push you around anymore. Divorce is a long process and you can always stop it if your wife agress to stop cheating and work on the marriage.

*Also, get a few voice-activated recorders *and some heavy-duty velcro and put it under the seat of your wife's car and in your bedroom or other rooms in your house where your wife is likely to have phone contact with the other man. This may help you to find out the truth about what has happened and what continues to happen. If you can put a gps on the car, that also might help you find out the truth of her being where she says she is.

Stay calm, cool and confident in all of your dealings with your wife. Do not cry, beg, or plead. Do not shout or scream.

If she is hostile to you, consider carrying a voice-activated recorder with you to defend yourself against false accusations of violence or abuse when you talk with your wife.


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

That's some real good advice and I appreciate it greatly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Mistaken thread


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Acabado said:


> Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
> Sample No Contact Letters.
> No More Mr Nice Guy
> The 180 degree rules
> ...



I think you got your threads mixed up.

The POS is 23 single and homeless


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I know you feel weak and haven't eaten or slept....hell I've been there.

Now is the time to get your crap together and no matter what be strong, confident, and firm but calm. The tough love approach will get you thru.

Until she sees some real consequences she will continue.

Inform HR that this POS has commited adultory with your wife.

The confidence you exhibit by getting your WW to believe you are willing to let her go will get your wife to think twice about what she is about to lose.

As you beg and cry for the marriage your WW will manage you... believing you aren't going any were.

Ask her to leave, and she is welcome back if she can affair proof her marriage.

Another consequence is exposing this to her family and taking her in so she can get tested for STD's.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Kill her access to the internet.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Regardless of what direction you want to go, step #1 is you have to kill the affair. Make no mistake, as long as there is any contact of any kind, the affair is still ongoing. She continues to live in the fog and you're the mean father figure who took her fun away.

The fact that she's still friends with him on Facebook, means that she's still in the affair.

So, one week in and you still haven't confronted her boyfriend? Are you afraid of him? Is he bigger than you or something? Does he have something on you?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Confronting the boyfriend may not be the best idea because OP could end up in jail. (I know that I would've been locked up if I had confronted my ex's OM just one week after dday.)


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

ONEMIC

Will Kane outlined your actions clearly and the rest of the team gave you great advice.

You should see an attorney so you know your rights.

Two other things I would do if your wife remains remorseless.

1. Get the OM fired. Go to HR and let him know what he did. Tell them he pursued your wife. Make them act.

2. If your wife keeps throwing her crap back at you. Pull out her suitcase and start packing it with her clothes. When she asks you what you are doing tell her this " You pursued a relationship with a loser. you broke your vows to me and have hurt our family. I will no longer tolerate your presence in our home. I am dropping you off at losers apartment so you can sleep with him on the floor. THat is what you deserve. This is a result of your actions. ENjoy them."

And walk her out the door to your car and drop her ass off.

You are not kickin her out. You are just showing her what her life will look like as a result of her actions.

Stay strong. Do not listen to her lies.

HM64


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First exposé the affair to friends and to your coworkers, I know it hurts but you want him treated like scum by the other guys in the group. Screwing another guys wife should make him dead to them.

Next, take her in the car and drop her at his door and leave her there. Tell her she can share the floor with the POS.

File for diviorce and primary custody of your kid.

Also, cut her off from money from you. You pay for the house rtc, but no spending cash for her nothing. Also cancel her cell phone.

As for the computer put a password on it and don't let her have access.

Bottom line is that she chose to leave the marriage when she cheated. She looses all the benefits you provided.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

As for fb, you should know if you go the extra step of blocking someone they can't send you messages.


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

No I met him face to face - mind you I was really angry and he knew he had something coming to him! He said he was really sorry, he was drinking , so was she blah blah blah. He told me he would do whatever I wanted to happen. I told him I can no longer work with him and he had to make a choice. This kid seemed like he was owning up to what has happened and was ready for any consequences available. My intention was to beat the living **** out of him but once we started to talk I didn't have it in me. I'm 6'4 -200lbs- I work out 6 days a week. This lguy could have been annihilated, but hurting him wasn't going to solve anything! Instead I learned all the details and he confessed everything. 
I know the reason why this happened and I'm partially to blame but back to my original post I didn't stick his penis in her vagina. 
She needed someone vent to and talk. He was there for her when we where fighting and talking **** to eachother! 
I would call her names and he would say the opposite. They got attached. Emotional affair is what they had and it turned to a PA 
He promised me he would end all contact with her. Her sister even threatened him - if they spoke again! Btw my family and her family both know. 
Now I just need her to delete and block him. She will be home soon and I will make sure it happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

it isn't just facebook either. It is total transparency she has to cough up email accounts, cell phones, facebook, twitter, aim, yahoo messenger, skype, multiplayer games with chat features.

I have read enough stories to see how hard cheaters will work to stay in their fantasy. I have read stories where they started with email, then face book, then phone and text, then skype mobile to hide text's back and forth on the phone bill, when one get cut off they move on to another. Hear of them creating a joint email account and self emailing messages back and forth on the one account. IMO you need to look harder otherwise you still have a third wheel in your marriage. 
I forgot whether or not you said you exposed this to your friends and family. If you have not do so now. I would contact the boss of the OM at work and HR (if you have one) file a complaint with both of them. Since this guy seems like he is not that important he will likely be let go. 

You my friend are at war now. Not with your wife and the OM but with a fantasy world they created. The only way to tear down their fantasy is to inject large amounts of reality. Make the fantasy world ten times worse than the safe and secure marriage she once had. 
The time for nice and loving is over. Remember there is a reason why "all's fair in love and war" is such a well known statement. 

Right now you are at war with that woman that betrayed you not your wife. You wife is a new relationship junkie right now. I am so sorry your WW put you in this position. However now it is time to Man up figure out what you want. then do what is necessary.

If you want to R do the 180. demand and enforce the NC. Get your selves into MC and IC. Outline several key terms that have to be fulfilled in order for you to consider R. Contact a lawyer and have an initial draft of your D papers at the ready to show her if she waivers. Set your boundaries in the sand and fill them with iron and concrete. 

IF you want to D get a VAR and keep it on you at all times. Contact a lawyer and start the paperwork. Don't do anything to make yourself look bad in court ,ie verbal or physical harassment, pitting the kids against your wife, see another woman, or party it up single style . You need to be spotless since you are a man. 
ONce the D is final you can call her and tell her who and what she is. What she is worth, and wish her happiness in the fact she found a homeless 23 year old to live a life with. Move on find a LS that's twice as hot and then rub it all in your XW face.

Good luck either way.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

She has no remorse yet, she is blame shifting. You need to snap her out of this and fast.

Expose the affair to your family and hers. Since the POS does not have anyone there is noone on his side. You need to do the 180 and tell her to back her stuff and get out. You hang on to the kid.

You need to be tough but stay in control try not to yell swear and nothing physical.

I hate to tell you but her sex with him was probably unprotected go get yourself checked out right away.

Stay cool for you and your kid


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Problem is she doesn't think there was anything wrong with her having sex with him.

Really?

Tell her you are going to go do nothing wring with her sister then.


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

Honestly when I discovered the affair I did loose my ****. 
I held her hostage in the living room and slapped her around! 
No visible marks were left since I only back handed her once really good. 
I apologized for my actions since I never hit a woman before but could not keep my composure.
Like I said her family knows except her father. If he found out she would get beat down for sure. 
My family knows aswell. I told her to tell her friends but she's too scared and embarrassed .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Disappointedspouse said:


> Leave.
> 
> Let the jobless loser support her.
> 
> ...


Nope. Not a good idea. She cheats? SHE leaves!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Everything you say is all well and good--but you know reality as well as I do----your mge., will get rocky again, and hit problems-they all do

---what do you plan on for keeping her from straying again, when she doesn't like what is going on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

onemic said:


> Honestly when I discovered the affair I did loose my ****.
> I held her hostage in the living room and slapped her around!
> No visible marks were left since I only back handed her once really good.
> I apologized for my actions since I never hit a woman before but could not keep my composure.
> ...


So, you held her prisoner and you beat her. And you apologised to her. Well, good.

You know you should never have laid a finger on her, right? Make sure you are not in a situation in the future when you might be tempted to do it again. For your own sake, if nothing else.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Then YOU need to tell her friends. Let them know who she really is.

As for the backhand...well, dude, I can't condone that cuz even finding out my wife was banging a guy for FIVE f'ng years, I've never thought to get physical. If you're truly sorry, then okay. But that ain't a cool move. Period.

By the way...her dad DOES need to find out. Let him give her a smack down the way a daddy does. That'll slap the fog right out of her.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

If you stay with her are you willing to look past what she has done? If so, follow what Will_Kane said


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Problem is she doesn't think there was anything wrong with her having sex with him.
> 
> Really?
> 
> Tell her you are going to go do nothing wring with her sister then.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

onemic said:


> Honestly when I discovered the affair I did loose my ****.
> I held her hostage in the living room and slapped her around!
> No visible marks were left since I only back handed her once really good.
> I apologized for my actions since I never hit a woman before but could not keep my composure.
> ...



Never lay your hands on a woman first off. 

Don't do that again. For lots of reasons. Obvious ones. AND because she could charge you with domestic assault. Then you will have a harder time if you have to go to court later on. 

I repeat....don't do that again!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

onemic said:


> Honestly when I discovered the affair I did loose my ****.
> I held her hostage in the living room and slapped her around!
> No visible marks were left since I only back handed her once really good.
> I apologized for my actions since I never hit a woman before but could not keep my composure.
> ...


OK that was not right or smart. Get yourself into IC as soon as you can I needed it. I was very angry. You are working out that is good but you really need to talk with a pro at this stuff. It helped me a great deal


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry, man. Actualy I mixed threads. Deleted/fixed my post.


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

Well she deleted him but didnt block him on facebook. I can tell she needs him as a back up plan. 
I asked for passwords to her Facebook and phone she says it's a invasion of privacy. 
I know she's trying to hide something but can't quite figure it out yet. 
She did show me her msgs but his was deleted obviously. 
She doesn't even want to talk about it of be in the same room/ watch tv together or anything until we get help she says. 
I'm going to try to book a councilor tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Invasion of her privacy? She had sex with another man!:scratchhead:


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Did you kill the Internet access?


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

Can't do anything about that. Shes got an iPhone so there's 3G Internet on that. 
She can use her work computer also. 
Here's the deal Were going to try to fix ****- if she ****s up because I told her if I find out about anymore contact either in person, phone, email, Facebook etc I'm done for good. End of story. 
I'm going to give her a chance if she ****s up- it will be easier for me to say good bye and good luck. 
Hopefully I can find a good councilor who will accept us ASAP!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Make sure your counselor is well-educated about infidelity. A good litmus test is to ask whether they know about the work of Shirley Glass, a leading infidelity researcher (a link to excerpts from her book are in my signature).


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Put a key logger on the PC - you'll have the password quickly.

Also explain to her that secrecy (privacy) is over. It isn't coming back. Right now you have ZERO trust in her. She destroyed it completely. If she can't live with that new reality that she created, then it is over. You will not be played for the fool again by giving trust where it is not worthy.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

onemic said:


> Well she deleted him but didnt block him on facebook. I can tell she needs him as a back up plan.
> I asked for passwords to her Facebook and phone she says it's a invasion of privacy.
> I know she's trying to hide something but can't quite figure it out yet.
> She did show me her msgs but his was deleted obviously.
> ...


Your plan is not going to work. *YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE TRYING TO FIX *****. You are getting the counselor. You are doing all of the work. You are the needy one who is afraid of losing the marriage. She had an affair, she betrayed you, she should be begging you not to divorce her, yet she is not afraid to tell you that she will not give up the secrecy of the methods she uses to communicate with the other man. She is dictating the terms of your reconciliation.

*She will continue the affair and hide it from you. She is like a drug addict. She will say or do anything to prolong the affair*. Other man will not always be sleeping on someone's floor. Your wife is planning for the day he is not, then she can leave you and be with him. She does not respect you for putting up with her antics.

*The counselor is not going to make her end the affair.* The counselor is a man or woman you hire to talk to who gives you advice and tries to help you. The counselor can't make your wife do anything she doesn't want to do.

You let her get away without blocking the other man on Facebook, or even giving up Facebook entirely. If you had insisted on her blocking the other man, giving you all passwords, and handwriting the no contact letter, or divorce, would she have chosen divorce?

Her and other man are not ready to take the next step and have her leave you. If they were ready, they would do it. She is fantasizing about this very thing, possibly making plans. Other man is not that afraid of you. You beat him up and go to jail - he gets to move into your house. 

Respect yourself enough not to accept this treatment from her. 

There is no secrecy in marriage. Privacy is for the bathroom, anything else is secrecy. Why would your wife care if you saw what was on her Facebook or on her email unless it was inappropriate? If you had sex with another woman, wouldn't your wife expect you to block the other woman on Facebook? If you wanted to reconcile with your wife after you cheated on her, wouldn't you gladly do all of the things you are asking your wife to do, and be happy that your wife was giving you another chance? You would, unless you wanted to continue your affair; in which case, you would do exactly what your wife is doing - fighting you tooth and nail for every little tidbit of cooperation in showing the affair has ended and in helping you heal from it.

You have a chance to end this affair and save your marriage, but you are letting it slip away. The longer you allow this to continue, the harder it will be for you to get your wife to end it and for you to save your marriage. If you let it go on for very long, your wife will push you too far, and you will lose your desire to reconcile. Your best bet is to push the issue now, not wait to talk to a counselor about it and let your wife continue the affair while you wait, then continue it more while one counseling session turns to two, to three, or more before you even start to talk about her cheating.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

In an earlier post, I mentioned that cheaters all act remarkably similarly to each other, that there is a cheater's script, and that your wife was following it to a T. (She still is.)

One thing I didn't mention, though, was that many betrayed spouses, like yourself, also act remarkably similarly to each other, and also seem to follow a script. You were not following the script yet at that time, but now you are. You are beginning to follow the "betrayed spouse's script." 

That betrayed spouse's script is to delay putting off decisive action to end the affair out of fear that their cheating spouse will choose the affair partner over them, or otherwise choose to leave the marriage, rather than live under the reasonable conditions that any married person would reasonably expect, such as not having an affair, not hiding inappropriate conversations, etc. 

You are beginning to follow that betrayed spouse script to a T. It involves sacrificing your self-respect and tolerating your cheating spouse's inappropriate behavior in order to save a marriage that the cheating spouse obviously doesn't care about saving.


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

You are certainly right she doesn't want to talk about this any longer without a councilor present. The hesitation of blocking this om and not giving me passwords is driving me insane. 
What do you think my next move should be? 
Apparently the next guy blocked her already- my sister in-law made sure this was true. 
It seems she can't get past this and like I said she needs a back up plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You hit her? You realize how f*cked up that is? Not cool man!! She should leave you and you should dump her. Toxic relationship!!


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

Ya thanks for your input.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

So she said I was annoying her and wan constantly bugging her. She said she wants to separate I took the next step and said divorce! 
At this point your right I'm willing to gamble on this one and loose everything. 
She's not trying at all and playing head games. I'm done
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The 180 degree rules
Just Let Them Go


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Then tell her to file. Find a good attorney and move forward with your life.


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

You know what im going to try the 180 first. It makes perfect sense.
If that doesn't work then there's only one way out. D
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

onemic said:


> So she said I was annoying her and wan constantly bugging her. She said she wants to separate I took the next step and said divorce!
> At this point your right I'm willing to gamble on this one and loose everything.
> She's not trying at all and playing head games. I'm done
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Offer to help her pack up her stuff and drive her to the apartment where the other man sleeps on the floor. Tell her you want her to GTFO, the sooner the better. Tell her you need a lying, cheating wife like you need a hole in the head. Tell her if the other man will take her lying, cheating butt off your hands, he is welcome to her. Then call the other man in front of her, and tell him she's waiting there for him to come and pick her up. After you get off the phone, tell her she's got one last chance to dump POSOM for good, that you are willing to reconcile with her if she agrees to this and the rest of your conditions, otherwise you will make no guarantees that you will take her back no matter how much she begs.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

onemic said:


> You know what im going to try the 180 first. It makes perfect sense.
> If that doesn't work then there's only one way out. D
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Onemic, you're making excuses not to file. We live in the age of multi-tasking.

File for divorce and do the 180, or vice versa if you prefer.

Also, remember that the 180 is for your benefit -- not hers.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

onemic said:


> Can't do anything about that. Shes got an iPhone so there's 3G Internet on that.
> She can use her work computer also.
> Here's the deal Were going to try to fix ****- if she ****s up because I told her if I find out about anymore contact either in person, phone, email, Facebook etc I'm done for good. End of story.
> I'm going to give her a chance if she ****s up- it will be easier for me to say good bye and good luck.
> ...


Make sure you stick to the decision to leave if she does it again...

Very important. 
Don't let her be a cake eater


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey onemic---stop all your excuses---now your gonna try the 180----that is for you, not for her

Either your gonna put a stop to all this crap, or its gonna go on

She keeps arguing with you about everything--if she wanted this mge---she would be begging you to lead her to the R---she is NOT

What does it take to wake you up---file for your D. already, then maybe she will get off her selfish run, and turn selfless---RIGHT NOW YOU DON'T HAVE A MGE---you have a wife who takes other men, in place of you, and we have you figuring out every way possible to keep from doing what HAS to be done


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You're an abusive spouse to be honest. First verbally and now physically. I completely agree with Warlock, you both need to leave each other


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## lucky me (Aug 6, 2012)

Complexity said:


> You're an abusive spouse to be honest. First verbally and now physically. I completely agree with Warlock, you both need to leave each other


:iagree: Yes he is!!!!!!!!!!!! You two REALLY should leave each other


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

Complexity said:


> You're an abusive spouse to be honest. First verbally and now physically. I completely agree with Warlock, you both need to leave each other


Thanks for your input! Honestly she's lucky she only got a backhand- as bad as that sounds! 
I was in the moment and drinking heavy since I found out that night! You would never understand. 
Yes I want to leave trust me. As of now I have nothing to loose but my son- she will still get custody.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

onemic said:


> You would never understand.


Hmmmmmmm.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Hmmmmmmm.


Hmmmm indeed


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Thought I would continue this on your thread...don't want to threadjack


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

You said: 

And yes I think we high jacked this thread but it may open others eyes just a little bit that it can happen to you. 
That's what got me... I thought it wouldn't happen! When we fought I told her nobody would wanna have sex will her. 
Boy was I wrong! Damn...


-- it's what we all think before our S cheats....it can't happen to me. No matter what I say or do with this person, they will not go there....especially with that loser over there

It's a shocker when it does happen.


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