# Deciding whether to stay with wife that emotionally cheats.



## snap11yz1 (Mar 19, 2017)

I've been a pretty crappy person at times. I'll start with that. Been married 4 years and together 8. We are both 31. She started hiding her phone for the past year so I drank more. A lot. It came to a crash one night when she came home late and we got into it and I grabbed her phone and it got slightly physical. No ok but no punches or physical injury. Went to jail Jan 12th. Got out and we decided to make it work. By February I caught her talking to what she called the guy of her dreams from high school. Confronted her and she said it's been going on half our marriage and she would end it. They apparently met up once at his house, she admitted she hoped he would come in to her but he never did. They just "hugged". Over the next month I believed they were talking on Snapchat. I called him up and he said there was nothing going on and I thought we understood he would stay away. He snap chatted her the next day and she was pissed. We got over it and we're better than ever. Really couldn't be better. Perfect. Then I noticed he was still on the friends list so I asked her to delete him. She got pissed again. Said that was her only friend when I wasn't being a good husband but she hasn't talked to him. A week after a Snapchat was sent to him. After the unfriending. I figured out Snapchat and realized she would have to add him to talk to him. She claims she accidentally mass messaged people and he was in it. I read everyone extremely well. Not sure why she can lie and I can't tell. Anyway. We have a 9 and a 1 year old. My family despises divorce. I know it's going to mess the kids up if this goes down. I recommended an open marriage and she said no way and we are great. She doesn't know I know she lied about the Snapchat thing 2 weeks ago and I've kept it to myself seeing if she'd come clean. That haven't seemed to talk since. Maybe it was just a message saying my hubby isn't cool with this so let's take a break. Idk. She knows by now the guy is an ******* and they can't be together because he doesn't like kids and turns out he's a mess too. I know it's hard to let friends go but since I've sobered up, I feel like catering to her. Here's my next move as of now. I get home on Monday and will confront her about the lie. Give her the option to send the text telling him to piss off for good or we start divorce proceedings. She's stubborn and hates being told what to do so she will probably go with the divorce thing and move back out thinking I will crack. Which I usually do. But I'm going into this fully determined to pull the trigger if necessary. I may have not have been the best husband in years past so I'm stuck knowing I'm part of the reason my kids lives are getting jacked up. Anywho. Any thoughts? Questions? Like I said it's been about perfect the last 2 months with a few hiccups. But when I said be completely honest I really meant I can't take any more lies. 


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First off, she's lying to you: she's slept w/ this guy.

Sorry, but there's just no way that she went to this guy's house and "nothing happened", especially given that she's essentially refused to cut contact w/ him since.

You might as well accept this, because it's fact.

(Come on, man... use your head.)

So, knowing that, if you want to divorce, go for it.

If, however, you're inclined to reconcile, tell her to cut the bull****, go no contact w/ this *********, AND come clean, else you're filing for divice.

Draw your line in the sand and stand up for yourself FFS.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP The best thing you can do is listen what Gus just post to you. OP be advised your wife is sleeping with this guy she is not innocent, cheaters lie she is a cheater sorry you need to be told the truth.! And denial will prolong your misery... you came to the right place buddy just keep posting.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get tested for STDs.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeah they just hugged. She forgot to say it was a private parts hug.


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## snap11yz1 (Mar 19, 2017)

Yea I figured there was probably a 80%+ chance they had sex numerous times. Even the acceptance with this isn't that bad. It would be so much easier if she admitted to it and stopped lying about stuff. It's betrayal that hurts the most. Not as much the screwing part. Once a cheater always a cheater or do people change?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

snap11yz1 said:


> Yea I figured there was probably a 80%+ chance they had sex numerous times. Even the acceptance with this isn't that bad. It would be so much easier if she admitted to it and stopped lying about stuff. It's betrayal that hurts the most. Not as much the screwing part. Once a cheater always a cheater or do people change?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I think everyone has the potential to change, but not everyone has the ability or desire to do what is necessary to effect and sustain that change. It really depends on the person and also your willingness to test whether they are capable of true change.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

If you only knew the number of BHs that come here looking for advise for what they think is a EA or at most a non-sexual PA only to learn with further digging that we advise him to do that it is indeed a full blown sexual PA.

For your wife to admit that this has been going on for half your marriage and then follow up with they never had sex is a bridge to far for any sane person to believe. 

I'm going to strongly advise that you get a DNA on the baby. Any woman that would cheat on her husband with a 1 year baby at home is pretty far gone, unless the OM is the father of the kid. 

I'm going to guess that this OM is in a lower socioeconomic position than you are and is also in a steady relationship that he doesn't want to jeopardize for your wife. It is very likely that to him, she's just his side peace but to her, he's her "soulmate." 

Don't use the "my family doesn't believe in divorce." as an excuse to stay in this excrement show of a situation because I'm sure your family doesn't believe in staying married to an adulterous woman who may have had OM's kid.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Satya said:


> Yeah they just hugged. She forgot to say it was a private parts hug.


*Not to intentionally be a flippant smarta$$, but that secretive nude "pelvic hugging" seems to be a rather popular activity these days!*


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

snap11yz1 said:


> Yea I figured there was probably a 80%+ chance they had sex numerous times. Even the acceptance with this isn't that bad. It would be so much easier if she admitted to it and stopped lying about stuff. It's betrayal that hurts the most. Not as much the screwing part. Once a cheater always a cheater or do people change?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Change from what? Not cheating on you? The very fact that someone does it the first time should be one time too many. Basically she wanted/did bang someone other than you. 

So yeah she might change and say I won't bang other people, the 1,2 or 3 times were enough, not to mention the lying, the emotionally cheating preceding the physical sexual stuff. So yes, after a man has thoroughly bonked her brains out she might come to realise she values your relationship more. 

So if you're ready for a lifetime of 50% trust, acceptance that she likes to bang other people and she's willing to admit her wrongs and try not banging other people, then yes..yes cheaters do change.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

snap11yz1 said:


> Yea I figured there was probably a 80%+ chance they had sex numerous times. Even the acceptance with this isn't that bad. It would be so much easier if she admitted to it and stopped lying about stuff. It's betrayal that hurts the most. Not as much the screwing part. Once a cheater always a cheater or do people change?


Some do.

Your wife sounds like she has the potential to be a serial wayward, though. And that's assuming that she isn't already.

And serials don't change.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

If it's been going on for half the marriage you'd better DNA the one year old.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She is an addict for the OM.

She is not controlling her addiction. She has never gotten over this guy.

Start the D now. Tell her to go to her OM and just leave.

Have you scheduled her polygraph yet?

Have you exposed her A to her family, your family and to her OM's family?

How many burner phones does she have?

have you put the voice recorder in her car?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

snap11yz1 said:


> Once a cheater always a cheater or do people change?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The likelihood that sh'll change is remote, most don't. She isn't breaking contact, so how can you stay with her and maintain your self respect? You should have dumped her butt when she had you sent to jail because that's what she thinks of you. Wake up!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

DNA that last child, if she has been in communications half your marriage then there is a possibility


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## snap11yz1 (Mar 19, 2017)

Obviously I'd be a fool not to cut and run but it'll really jack up the kids lives. The one year old is mine luckily. Apparently she planned on leaving before she was pregnant and that changed everything. She's finally gotten a job. Hasn't had one in over two years. Said she was going to save and leave me but it would take time. Now wants to be together now more than ever. Probably because ol dude said no chance of relationship here. 


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## snap11yz1 (Mar 19, 2017)

Just curious. She always has accused me constantly of cheating. Maybe to make herself feel better? Seems if I cheated, I'd let her do what she wants. Humans are weird


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

File for D immediately, send a strong message first, you can figure out what you want to do later, you can always delay or cancel the D 

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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

snap11yz1 said:


> Just curious. She always has accused me constantly of cheating. Maybe to make herself feel better? Seems if I cheated, I'd let her do what she wants. Humans are weird
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No she is gaslighting you, typical cheater tact. Nothing about being weird, just making selfish choices without considering others, nothing weird avout that

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

snap11yz1 said:


> Obviously I'd be a fool not to cut and run but it'll really jack up the kids lives. The one year old is mine luckily. Apparently she planned on leaving before she was pregnant and that changed everything. She's finally gotten a job. Hasn't had one in over two years. Said she was going to save and leave me but it would take time. Now wants to be together now more than ever. Probably because ol dude said no chance of relationship here.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



The 1 year old is yours regardless of who is the biological father. It's not like you are going to stop loving him. You already bonded. Unless you did a DNA check you will never be sure though. 

It will pain you if he is not your son biologically but ultimately for his future health and genetics this needs to be confirmed. Protect him from genetic illness for which he might be predisposed. It could save his life one day. 

Nothing your wife says can be believed.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

snap11yz1 said:


> Just curious. She always has accused me constantly of cheating. Maybe to make herself feel better? Seems if I cheated, I'd let her do what she wants. Humans are weird
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It is called "transference". The cheating spouse thinks that the faithful spouse is cheating because that is what the cheating spouse is doing. She is transferring her behavior to you which allows her to feel less guilty even though it is not true. It is rather common.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

snap11yz1 said:


> Obviously I'd be a fool not to cut and run but it'll really jack up the kids lives. The one year old is mine luckily. Apparently she planned on leaving before she was pregnant and that changed everything. She's finally gotten a job. Hasn't had one in over two years. Said she was going to save and leave me but it would take time. Now wants to be together now more than ever. Probably because ol dude said no chance of relationship here.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No she is still going to leave the first chance she gets. For now you are just the safe Plan B. Someone to provide for and support her until she can find a way out that benefits her.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You two always fight.
You want open Marriage.
You hit her
She hit you
She is Cheating on you from the start of your Relationship
DNA your Kids.

Again you said you want open Marriage. 

Please Divorce her. You are not for each other. 

I feel sorry for your Kids.


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## snap11yz1 (Mar 19, 2017)

Found out she was still messaging other dude. Packed her ****. She gone! Weird. I feel relief. I guess the sadness already happened or will happen later. Anyway. Time to plan a motorcycle trip to Ecuador. Thanks for he support bros!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good for you!


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

snap11yz1 said:


> Found out she was still messaging other dude. Packed her ****. She gone! Weird. I feel relief. I guess the sadness already happened or will happen later. Anyway. Time to plan a motorcycle trip to Ecuador. Thanks for he support bros!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



OUCH! How did you find out OP?


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Surprised the cops arrested you if there was nothing physical. 

Never admit to wrongdoing because that's what gets you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Don't believe in divorce?

How about strange men sticking their penises in their wives?

Choose


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

snap11yz1 said:


> By February I caught her talking to what she called the guy of her dreams from high school. Confronted her and she said it's been going on half our marriage and she would end it. They apparently met up once at his house, she admitted she hoped he would come in to her but he never did.





snap11yz1 said:


> Said that was her only friend when I wasn't being a good husband


 OK so let me get this straight. She has been having at least an emotional affair (EA) with a guy "she called the guy of her dreams from high school" for at least half of your marriage, a guy "she admitted she hoped he would come in to her" when she was at his house, a guy she feels entitled to cheat on you with when when you have a normal relationship bump and she determines that you weren't "being a good husband", and this is how she really thinks? This is textbook cheater speak. The only thing about her that is different is that she openly tells you this because she has no idea that this is not how marriage works.


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## snap11yz1 (Mar 19, 2017)

stixx said:


> Surprised the cops arrested you if there was nothing physical.
> 
> 
> 
> Never admit to wrongdoing because that's what gets you.




It was kinda physical. I grabbed her phone. She came after me. I pushed her down when she ripped my shirt off. They didn't arrest me for dv because they couldn't. A warrant for traffic 10 years ago. 


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## snap11yz1 (Mar 19, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> OUCH! How did you find out OP?




Snapchat. Evil app. She said I'm deleting him. He showed up the day after on it but not as a friend. I studied everything I could about it. She was sending messages and keeping "only receive messages from friends" on. When alone she'd turn it off then his messages would come in. Only problem is, since I confronted him, it does seem like he did piss off, she just kept chasing him. Anywho. I confronted her telling her I knew she talked to him. She f ing denied Snapchat but admitted to Facebook messages. She's never been a smart person. I mean high school alt school about defeated her. But to be caught red handed and deny it then admit to something else is retarded. Today's day one of shedding her off. Going to talk to the lawyer today. Wish there was a way to do this immediately. 


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

snap11yz1 said:


> Just curious. She always has accused me constantly of cheating. Maybe to make herself feel better? Seems if I cheated, I'd let her do what she wants. Humans are weird
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That is a trap many cheaters play do not fall for it...they own their own crap....pure deflection


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

where did she go? and did she take the kids?


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## snap11yz1 (Mar 19, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> where did she go? and did she take the kids?




Her cousins house and yes. She agreed I get them half the time but she's a pathological liar so we will see. 


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

oh you'll get the kids when it is convenience for her, especially when she goes out to find another man that will take her...then you'll have them more than 50% of the time....make sure you keep a log, seriously.


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