# Men in successful marriages, what do you do when the wife is disrespectful?



## jnyu44

Couple things happened yesterday that led me to write a long txt message demanding respect. I chose that medium b/c she seems to respond best to it. 

First, baby's diaper was on the table so I naturally picked it up and put it in the garbage. She was angry later when she asked where it was because she wanted to weigh it. I said it seems like a pretty normal thing to do what I did, though I was careful not to apologize. She said I should just admit it when I've done something wrong. I held my ground and said I have nothing to apologize for, it was miscommunication. 

Second, I was sleeping on the couch downstairs while she was doing some house chores/taking care of baby. She came down and told me to go upstairs and sleep on that couch because she wanted to sleep on the one I was on. She didn't seem very polite when she asked this imo.

What I do well is help out around the house and take care of baby. I do more than my friends with newborns and her friends' husbands with newborns. This is really just a byproduct of the fact I'm lucky enough to have a very flexible schedule.

However, our marriage has been on the rocks since the beginning (4 years ago). With good reason, she thinks I don't like her (though I've tried repeatedly to reassure her otherwise) and I have threatened divorce several times. I have tried to put up with the tantrums and negativity b/c I understand we have this overriding negative sentiment in our marriage. I want this to work but I'm getting so fed up.

Following the above two things yesterday, I told her I don't need intimacy for now because of our situation (it's been over a year), I don't need her to front positivity, but the one absolute thing I do need is respect. I told her if I don't get that, then I'm out in a week. She cried and said for our son, she will force her apology to me. She said she's willing to act like a poor slave and give me whatever I want. Since yesterday, we've barely talked.

Again, the negative sentiment in our marriage really is overriding...the smallest things can set her off. I'm no angel but I've tried taking the always be positive and give her room perspective. Seems like in successful marriages, people give their spouses passes all the time whereas in toxic ones, both are ready to pounce at moment's notice. Anyway, this approach has been working sort of...but I felt like I couldn't give her a pass on the disrespect. 

Am I doing the right thing here? Super husbands, what would you do? She's moping and crying and even though I want to console her...I feel like I need to stand my ground. I've tried to be super husband the last couple of months and feel like all it's going to get me is a night of reading that Nice guy book. In the real world, I can be a tough mf. People 1.5-2x my age report to me and I have no qualms telling people they need to step up their game. I've fired people and I'm testing new hires all the time. However...now I'm wondering if it's possible for me to be too mr nice guy in my marriage even if I'm not outside of it...

I desperately want my marriage to work but I'm getting so fed up and I feel like this is where I make my last stand. I feel like what I'm asking for is really the bare essentials...

Thanks for reading. This forum is truly full of awesome and supportive people. But feel free to slap me around if you think I deserve it.


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## MarriedDude

First...if you have to ask for respect, you don't have it. Respect is earned over time by taking care of you wife and children, consistently and conscientiously listening to and addressing their concerns, understanding what motivates them and approaching tasks in that manner. Creating a home where they feel loved, protected, encouraged and respected.

Refusing to apologize for mistakes is crazy. We all screw up from time to time...admit it when you do, apologize once, sincerely...then move on.

Not knowing that she weighs the diapers is a big deal. She is the primary caretaker of your children. She is doing that to monitor their health...which is what she is suppose to be doing. 

You should be very aware of her concerns...why is she weighing diapers...exactly. If you don't know...you should.

Instead of demanding her respect, figure out why you don't have it and address that. 

My wife hasn't disrespected me in such a long time, I can't even remember when or what or why. It's been so long, probably, because I treat her respectfully always. She is my wife but also a lady and is treated as such.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

I'm not what one wound call a nice guy, but I show compassion in my behavior to wife and family. I make an effort not to be a source of pain to my wife. She respects me because she has learned she can trust me. In that way I earn her respect every day. 

Since you bring up a work place comparison. A manager can be a boss or a leader. Employees trust a leader, that's why they respect and follow him.

Can she trust you with her emotional well being?


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## EleGirl

Telling your wife many times that you will divorce her is bad, real bad. It builds a lack of respect because this is what bullies do. Either follow through and divorce her, or stop it.

No one respects a bully.


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## MEM2020

Jny,
Did you know she was weighing the diapers? If not, why not? 

I'm asking because you mention being more often home and helpful than many of your friends and colleagues. 

Bigger question: why does she think that you don't especially like her? 

And biggest question: Why did you have a child with a woman you don't really want to be married to? 







jnyu44 said:


> Couple things happened yesterday that led me to write a long txt message demanding respect. I chose that medium b/c she seems to respond best to it.
> 
> First, baby's diaper was on the table so I naturally picked it up and put it in the garbage. She was angry later when she asked where it was because she wanted to weigh it. I said it seems like a pretty normal thing to do what I did, though I was careful not to apologize. She said I should just admit it when I've done something wrong. I held my ground and said I have nothing to apologize for, it was miscommunication.
> 
> Second, I was sleeping on the couch downstairs while she was doing some house chores/taking care of baby. She came down and told me to go upstairs and sleep on that couch because she wanted to sleep on the one I was on. She didn't seem very polite when she asked this imo.
> 
> What I do well is help out around the house and take care of baby. I do more than my friends with newborns and her friends' husbands with newborns. This is really just a byproduct of the fact I'm lucky enough to have a very flexible schedule.
> 
> However, our marriage has been on the rocks since the beginning (4 years ago). With good reason, she thinks I don't like her (though I've tried repeatedly to reassure her otherwise) and I have threatened divorce several times. I have tried to put up with the tantrums and negativity b/c I understand we have this overriding negative sentiment in our marriage. I want this to work but I'm getting so fed up.
> 
> Following the above two things yesterday, I told her I don't need intimacy for now because of our situation (it's been over a year), I don't need her to front positivity, but the one absolute thing I do need is respect. I told her if I don't get that, then I'm out in a week. She cried and said for our son, she will force her apology to me. She said she's willing to act like a poor slave and give me whatever I want. Since yesterday, we've barely talked.
> 
> Again, the negative sentiment in our marriage really is overriding...the smallest things can set her off. I'm no angel but I've tried taking the always be positive and give her room perspective. Seems like in successful marriages, people give their spouses passes all the time whereas in toxic ones, both are ready to pounce at moment's notice. Anyway, this approach has been working sort of...but I felt like I couldn't give her a pass on the disrespect.
> 
> Am I doing the right thing here? Super husbands, what would you do? She's moping and crying and even though I want to console her...I feel like I need to stand my ground. I've tried to be super husband the last couple of months and feel like all it's going to get me is a night of reading that Nice guy book. In the real world, I can be a tough mf. People 1.5-2x my age report to me and I have no qualms telling people they need to step up their game. I've fired people and I'm testing new hires all the time. However...now I'm wondering if it's possible for me to be too mr nice guy in my marriage even if I'm not outside of it...
> 
> I desperately want my marriage to work but I'm getting so fed up and I feel like this is where I make my last stand. I feel like what I'm asking for is really the bare essentials...
> 
> Thanks for reading. This forum is truly full of awesome and supportive people. But feel free to slap me around if you think I deserve it.


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## jnyu44

MarriedDude - I am very involved with my baby. We have several routines with the baby, weighing diapers is not one of them. Anyway, I get what you're saying and thank you for the insight. Have you guys at any point had what you'd consider a strained marriage? How did you get out of it?

Anchor - echoing MarriedDude has made me think twice. Thanks. Have you ever felt disrespected by your wife? Have you always responded positively? If so, what do you do?

Ellegirl - first of all, thanks for following along for 4 years...can't believe it's been that long...didn't think of myself being a bully but that makes a lot of sense. Anyway, thank you and glad to see you're still around 

Personal - Get off your high horse and f-off. 

I get it...don't threaten divorce. Just do it. Or don't, and don't threaten it  And earn her respect...though I feel like it should be a tandem sort of thing and not one person having to earn it first...but these things never make sense until you do it...


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## jnyu44

Why I had a child with her is really no one's business and people should hold their judgment. Married or not, my child will grow up with both biological parents in his life. We wouldn't be the first to divorce and plenty of unhappily married couples have and will do worse.

Mem - 

Anyway, its because she was getting to a certain age and I felt like our love was trending upwards despite the rockiness. She's weighing the diaper because he's on the lighter and smaller side, though he's very healthy. We're trying to understand how much he's taking in, and how much he's flushing out. Again, weighing the diaper was new to me. Weighing him before and after feedings is part of our routine.

While I do more than friends and colleagues, that doesn't mean I know every single nuance that is going on. I know our routines and I know them well. I don't know the new things she starts right when she starts them. She hasn't continued doing this since yesterday.


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## MEM2020

Jny,

I wasn't trying to poke at you. I did a quick read of your prior posts and admit to being surprised at the 'big picture'. 

You depict her as a very unhappy and angry person. On top of that she either dislikes sex, or dislikes sex with you. 

So things are bad outside the bedroom and terrible inside the bedroom. 






jnyu44 said:


> Why I had a child with her is really no one's business and people should hold their judgment. Married or not, my child will grow up with both biological parents in his life. We wouldn't be the first to divorce and plenty of unhappily married couples have and will do worse.
> 
> Mem -
> 
> Anyway, its because she was getting to a certain age and I felt like our love was trending upwards despite the rockiness. She's weighing the diaper because he's on the lighter and smaller side, though he's very healthy. We're trying to understand how much he's taking in, and how much he's flushing out. Again, weighing the diaper was new to me. Weighing him before and after feedings is part of our routine.
> 
> While I do more than friends and colleagues, that doesn't mean I know every single nuance that is going on. I know our routines and I know them well. I don't know the new things she starts right when she starts them. She hasn't continued doing this since yesterday.


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## jnyu44

No problem. As a moderator though, imo it's probably important to exercise even more discretion in your posts than your average member. Anyway, appreciate your input.


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## sapientia

Am I the only one who lol'd at the diaper weighing thing? Aren't you supposed to care more about weighing the baby?

I would have thrown it out also. Who leaves a soiled diaper on a table. As weird as I think it is (hey, to each their own), I'd at least have a special container for it. Gross.

But you should have apologized when threw it out and realized she wanted it. Unless she got cross with you first. The flip side of this is that, by throwing it out you were only trying to help, right?


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## EleGirl

Did a doctor suggest weighing the diapers? 

It really does not seem to make a lot of sense.


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## MEM2020

Your entire thread is about respect. And your tactics with your wife are based on you presenting this as a scenario where: 
"totally logical person collides with totally irrational and aggressive person and refuses to back down"

I asked you some fair questions. I think they were fair. I didn't expect you to get defensive. 

And I certainly didn't expect a guy who talks about how tough he is at work to dive straight into the victim chair because the person asking the questions is a mod. I wasn't asking as a 'mod', just as a contributor. 

I wish you well. 





jnyu44 said:


> No problem. As a moderator though, imo it's probably important to exercise even more discretion in your posts than your average member. Anyway, appreciate your input.


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## life_huppens

jnyu44.
I think there are more issues in your marriage then just disrespect. First, based on your responses to members of this forum, It looks to me that you do not take criticism well, and expect respect based on your superior status. You also gave your wife ultimatum to start respecting you within a week. Does she have a ON/OFF switch. What you did is set her up for failure. Since you are in a managerial position, you must know about performance reviews. The one of the important part of this process is evaluating past performance, and setup future goals for improvements with a milestones and periodic progress checks. Have you approach your marriage situation in similar matter? Have you both identified the major issues that prevent both of you to be happy, and start working toward resolution?
Good Luck


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## aine

IMO it would be very hard to respect a man like you! You sound so full of yourself and hardly the kind of man that deserves respect with your overbearing attitude. based on some of the stuff you have written here I am surprised your wife hasn't taken a base ball bat to the side of your head and I am not by nature a violent person!

There is obviously no love lost in your marriage and you appear to always want to be right or in the "Lording it over" position.

You have threatened divorce so many times - that's a way to build a marriage NOT. The D word should never come from your lips, talk about making your wife feel insecure and just after she had a baby, you are a right piece of work. 
Bullying your wife to show you are the one with power - another great way to build a marriage, NOT. You are probably the type you lies around the house when she is flat out with housework, baby and all but give yourself praise because you did a bit more than your buddies did, wow bully for you.

You told her you don't need intimacy - maybe she does, why don't you kick her when she is down some more. Have you stopped to think how she feels about that. Remember intimacy is not just intercourse, it's also holding hands, hugs, affection etc, she probably needs that more than ever, home with a young kid. You know it is not ALL about you!
Yeah, treating your wife the same way as you would treat one of your employees, that is surely a huge red flag, you don't have a clue about what a marriage is.
Your wife has just had a baby and you are not "caring' for her, your pride obviously is more important to your 'cause you the man, you must stand your ground' - hope that works for you

Has it crossed your mind at all that you have contributed to the negative sentiment in your marriage at all, but I guess its ALL your wife's fault. You say you desperately want your marriage to work but it's all about you. Think about it from her point of view. 
Incidentally as you have so many people working for you, you ought to know that RESPECT IS EARNED NOT DEMANDED, and you are being demanding. Women do not respond well to bully boy tactics hence the negativity and tantrums. Good luck with that!


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## SydJones

I know a guy whose wife once jokingly suggested that they try domestic disciple (spanking). They tried it, and amazing things happened. Their marriage has gone from strength to strength now that they have a healthy male/female dynamic. When she misbehaves he makes her write lines, or puts her in the corner, or makes he be silent for the rest of the day, or just gives gives her a few smacks with a paddle. What started off as a joke turned into an interesting insight into how women respond to different behaviours, and I think this is very relevant to the OP's question. Well worth considering.


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## Maneo

SydJones said:


> I know a guy whose wife once jokingly suggested that they try domestic disciple (spanking). They tried it, and amazing things happened. Their marriage has gone from strength to strength now that they have a healthy male/female dynamic. When she misbehaves he makes her write lines, or puts her in the corner, or makes he be silent for the rest of the day, or just gives gives her a few smacks with a paddle. What started off as a joke turned into an interesting insight into how women respond to different behaviours, and I think this is very relevant to the OP's question. Well worth considering.


I think it might be more accurate to say that is how Some women respond to different behaviors and quite likely a minority of women. 

But that is a tangent not central to this thread.

OP, I think others have clearly articulated what may be the core problems in your relationship based on what you have shared. No need to rehash that except to add my agreement to those suggestions for your own behaviors you may want to consider changing.

I will note on one thing you mentioned in your opening post to this thread. It concerns how you handle dealing with people at your place of work. A marriage and home life is not a work place and the behaviors that may produce results in the workplace do not necessarily translate to the home environment.


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## anchorwatch

jnyu44 said:


> MarriedDude - I am very involved with my baby. We have several routines with the baby, weighing diapers is not one of them. Anyway, I get what you're saying and thank you for the insight. *Have you guys at any point had what you'd consider a strained marriage? How did you get out of it?*
> 
> Anchor - echoing MarriedDude has made me think twice. Thanks. *Have you ever felt disrespected by your wife? Have you always responded positively? If so, what do you do?*
> 
> Ellegirl - first of all, thanks for following along for 4 years...can't believe it's been that long...didn't think of myself being a bully but that makes a lot of sense. Anyway, thank you and glad to see you're still around
> 
> Personal - Get off your high horse and f-off.
> 
> I get it...don't threaten divorce. Just do it. Or don't, and don't threaten it  And earn her respect...though I feel like it should be a tandem sort of thing and not one person having to earn it first...but these things never make sense until you do it...


Yes, we got on the rocks. Yes to all these highlighted problems you mentioned and sexless too. I thought I was entitled to more than what I was getting. I lived clean, worked hard, provided well. Didn't I deserve more? So I set out to get the marriage I wanted or I was going my own way. How did I turn it around? Like many men in your spot, I thought I knew how to get out of it. I read every book recommended here and on another site. I read every thread I could find about men in situations like me. I listened closely to what was being said by posters like MEM and Ele. When called out about my behavior, I got pissed first, then looked deeper than my ego. I found out I wasn't so perfect. I thought I may have a few flaws, but I never realized how much a guy could put his head up his ass. I learned I could get things wrong and so could she. I learn to forgive and not hold a grudge. I learned that my W was not me. I learned though we were so different, we were a team with the same goals. It came down to, how hard could this be or how hard could I make it. I simply started to treat my W better and in return she treated me better. I gave her the respect she deserved as my wife and in return I got respect. Yes, sex too.

J, a question, have you read the works of Gottman, Schnarch, or Harley? How about Wayne Levine's or David Deida's books?


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## synthetic

You're so full of yourself I wonder how you could ever eat.

Respect?! That's not what you are asking for. Fear is what you're after in your marriage, and guess what? You've got it...FOR NOW.

It may be hard to believe, but this woman is *always* going to be mother of your child and you have absolutely no choice but to respect, accommodate and protect her for the rest of your life. Divorcing her does not free you from the offspring(s) you willingly created together. And believe me, maintaining a respectful relationship with an ex-wife is a lot harder than doing it while she's still willing to be married to you. 

I'm a recovering 'nice guy' myself and I see absolutely no traits of it in you. In fact, I see the extreme opposite which is equally as destructive as being a nice-guy. 

I'm not letting your wife off the hook here. I'm sure she's got her own sh1tty traits or else you wouldn't admit to "not liking" her. 

Just letting you know that what you do at your job is totally irrelevant to your marital situation. I'm a mean wolf when it comes to work and business too, yet I'm a solid case of a nice-guy and have paid my dues to that torturous lifestyle.


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## meson

I have a good marriage now but at one time it was flawed with toxic communication just like yours. This is what I did; I stopped assuming the worst for everything she did. I tried to figure out what she meant and was trying to achieve. I treated her with respect and assumed she meant the best. I would ask questions about her actions such as did you want to do this because "..."? After treating her with respect (and not as an employee - she said that to me once) for several months I found that the started doing the same. She learned that I had changed and little by little my changes caused her to trust that I would not atack her and that I was legitimately trying to communicate. 

This change in communication with a reevaluation of myself which included improving myself and figuring out the needs I was not satisfying for my wife led me to satisfy her needs and make me more attractive to her.

Right now you are feeding a negative feedback loop with the divorce threats (which I did and now regret entirely) and making the problem worse. Stop that and try to communicate and assume she has a valid point of view.


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## Thundarr

jnyu44, you know how you can buy a car that's just a lemon. You can also marry a lemon and when that happens you can't make lemonade. You just have a sour sour lemon. You can learn to avoid future lemons but you can't make lemonade in marriage.


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## jnyu44

sapientia said:


> But you should have apologized when threw it out and realized she wanted it. Unless she got cross with you first. The flip side of this is that, by throwing it out you were only trying to help, right?


I could and should have done the former. She did get angry right off the bat when I told her I threw it out. And yes, I was only trying to help. I have a habit of tidying stuff up pronto because she is on the ocd clean side and can't relax unless it is.


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## jnyu44

EleGirl said:


> Did a doctor suggest weighing the diapers?
> 
> It really does not seem to make a lot of sense.


No, but it makes sense to as we are trying to understand what the baby is taking in and putting out.


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## jnyu44

MEM11363 said:


> Your entire thread is about respect. And your tactics with your wife are based on you presenting this as a scenario where:
> "totally logical person collides with totally irrational and aggressive person and refuses to back down"
> 
> I asked you some fair questions. I think they were fair. I didn't expect you to get defensive.
> 
> And I certainly didn't expect a guy who talks about how tough he is at work to dive straight into the victim chair because the person asking the questions is a mod. I wasn't asking as a 'mod', just as a contributor.
> 
> I wish you well.


Ha! Wonder what the criteria is for 'mod'. You are doing the exact same thing so simmer down. Stay out of my threads unless you really have nothing better to do.


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## jnyu44

MEM11363 said:


> Your entire thread is about respect. And your tactics with your wife are based on you presenting this as a scenario where:
> "totally logical person collides with totally irrational and aggressive person and refuses to back down"
> 
> I asked you some fair questions. I think they were fair. I didn't expect you to get defensive.
> 
> And I certainly didn't expect a guy who talks about how tough he is at work to dive straight into the victim chair because the person asking the questions is a mod. I wasn't asking as a 'mod', just as a contributor.
> 
> I wish you well.


Total hypocrit! If you have the gall, read what you have been writing and see if your own advice could apply. Sure I'm taking offense, but so are you with the added bonus of being self-righteous. You think they were fair comments and questions, I didn't. Wow, that's never happened before! Aren't you diving into the victim chair as well by firing back?

The next time I'm an a** to someone while wearing my company shirt, I'm going to just say I was doing it as myself, not as a member of my company.

haha..."totally logical person collides..." I could say the exact same thing about you and be right. It's like we're married.


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## jnyu44

life_huppens said:


> jnyu44.
> I think there are more issues in your marriage then just disrespect. First, based on your responses to members of this forum, It looks to me that you do not take criticism well, and expect respect based on your superior status. You also gave your wife ultimatum to start respecting you within a week. Does she have a ON/OFF switch. What you did is set her up for failure. Since you are in a managerial position, you must know about performance reviews. The one of the important part of this process is evaluating past performance, and setup future goals for improvements with a milestones and periodic progress checks. Have you approach your marriage situation in similar matter? Have you both identified the major issues that prevent both of you to be happy, and start working toward resolution?
> Good Luck


Clearly I'm biased but no I don't think I lord my status over her. As I've mentioned above, yea I was completely wrong to threaten divorce and see that now. I didn't respect the gravity of the word. I get respect needs to be earned, but at what point does it need to be a two-way street?

Re: Performance reviews. She has said in the past that she feels I treat the marriage in this way...like I setup things to do for her and just execute (ie., buy cards, write something, buy flowers, deliver, etc.)...and yes I do that because that's how I run my life. It doesn't mean I don't love her and that's it's all callous. I think about what I'm writing to her and I'm thinking about what she likes when I put the flowers together, etc...I sense that if everything were peachy she'd be happy with my efforts...but I think since we have overriding negative sentiment she sees it the way she sees it and I don't blame her.

Finally, I think many in this thread have been helpful and I've learned some big lessons. I think not threatening D is a good start. Insecurity is one of her biggest issues so I'm guessing there will likely be some impact here. 

Aside from that, I am reading a couple books...one on relationship building and one on keeping the in-laws (my parents) at bay...


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## jnyu44

SydJones said:


> I know a guy whose wife once jokingly suggested that they try domestic disciple (spanking). They tried it, and amazing things happened. Their marriage has gone from strength to strength now that they have a healthy male/female dynamic. When she misbehaves he makes her write lines, or puts her in the corner, or makes he be silent for the rest of the day, or just gives gives her a few smacks with a paddle. What started off as a joke turned into an interesting insight into how women respond to different behaviours, and I think this is very relevant to the OP's question. Well worth considering.


hahah had a good laugh. My wife would murder me.


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## jnyu44

Maneo said:


> I think it might be more accurate to say that is how Some women respond to different behaviors and quite likely a minority of women.
> 
> But that is a tangent not central to this thread.
> 
> OP, I think others have clearly articulated what may be the core problems in your relationship based on what you have shared. No need to rehash that except to add my agreement to those suggestions for your own behaviors you may want to consider changing.
> 
> I will note on one thing you mentioned in your opening post to this thread. It concerns how you handle dealing with people at your place of work. A marriage and home life is not a work place and the behaviors that may produce results in the workplace do not necessarily translate to the home environment.


Thank you. Adding a +1 to the count is helpful data. And totally agree with you. I talked about workplace b/c I was still wondering if I needed to rule out if I was being too nice guy to her. I absolutely do not believe my status (plenty of ppl do better than myself) matters when I get home. If anything, I owe my wife the world for what she does for our son. I truly believe she's in the race for best mommy in the world and I do tell her that. That's something money really can't buy and I'm well aware of it.


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## jnyu44

anchorwatch said:


> Yes, we got on the rocks. Yes to all these highlighted problems you mentioned and sexless too. I thought I was entitled to more than what I was getting. I lived clean, worked hard, provided well. Didn't I deserve more? So I set out to get the marriage I wanted or I was going my own way. How did I turn it around? Like many men in your spot, I thought I knew how to get out of it. I read every book recommended here and on another site. I read every thread I could find about men in situations like me. I listened closely to what was being said by posters like MEM and Ele. When called out about my behavior, I got pissed first, then looked deeper than my ego. I found out I wasn't so perfect. I thought I may have a few flaws, but I never realized how much a guy could put his head up his ass. I learned I could get things wrong and so could she. I learn to forgive and not hold a grudge. I learned that my W was not me. I learned though we were so different, we were a team with the same goals. It came down to, how hard could this be or how hard could I make it. I simply started to treat my W better and in return she treated me better. I gave her the respect she deserved as my wife and in return I got respect. Yes, sex too.
> 
> J, a question, have you read the works of Gottman, Schnarch, or Harley? How about Wayne Levine's or David Deida's books?


Inspiring to know that. And really kudos to you...you're likely in rarefied atmosphere. The end goal here is for me to get there.

I am reading Gottman, will check out the others. Thank you for sharing a little about your journey sincerely...at least I'm on the right path if the first few experiences are any indication 

I do have an ego, but I try not to take garbage from people. Constructive criticism is extremely valuable and I encourage it from people around me. Yes I've fired people but it was for poor performance that I confirmed in different ways and giving second chances. I can't tell you how many times I haven't been happy with my closest "employee" but let it go because of all the great things he does otherwise (and b/c I know people do things differently and maybe he wasn't wrong after all). When he was on the line to get scaled back and ax'd, I put together a presentation evidencing all his contributions from multiple sources and how valuable he was. That secured him a year's worth of salary.

I can at times "pre-judge" people. That's the human, temperamental side of me. Yes, I get defensive at times because some people need to be put in their place. That doesn't happen enough. Ever been in a line where some guy cuts off another 15 people and everyone just accepts it?


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## jnyu44

meson said:


> I have a good marriage now but at one time it was flawed with toxic communication just like yours. This is what I did; I stopped assuming the worst for everything she did. I tried to figure out what she meant and was trying to achieve. I treated her with respect and assumed she meant the best. I would ask questions about her actions such as did you want to do this because "..."? After treating her with respect (and not as an employee - she said that to me once) for several months I found that the started doing the same. She learned that I had changed and little by little my changes caused her to trust that I would not atack her and that I was legitimately trying to communicate.
> 
> This change in communication with a reevaluation of myself which included improving myself and figuring out the needs I was not satisfying for my wife led me to satisfy her needs and make me more attractive to her.
> 
> Right now you are feeding a negative feedback loop with the divorce threats (which I did and now regret entirely) and making the problem worse. Stop that and try to communicate and assume she has a valid point of view.


Seriously feels like I could have written this. Agree about the negative feedback loop. Did stop for a while, was working really well, then the whole three steps forward two steps back as a result of my "putting my foot" down on the back of these two events. Stupid...put myself a few weeks back but at least I learned a valuable lesson.


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## sapientia

jnyu44 said:


> I could and should have done the former. She did get angry right off the bat when I told her I threw it out. And yes, I was only trying to help. I have a habit of tidying stuff up pronto because she is on the ocd clean side and can't relax unless it is.


Sounds like your wife needs to relax. One missed diaper isn't going to unduly skew her data collection. Full diapers are a while ago for me, but I seem to remember a fairly steady supply of them. "Ooops, sorry" should really be the end of this.

Give her a glass of wine at the end of the night. Come home with a flower each day for a couple weeks. Something to help her feel appreciated. I'm bad at these recommends, even though I'm a woman. Not my thing. Others will do better I hope. Good luck.


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## MGD

I wonder why people make themselves so busy with irrelevant chores . "Weighing diapers " to check what gets in gets out". Is it scientific ? this is called " BLACK BOX MODEL" in hydrologist term . Still this become reason for collision. So funny to me. In my opinion, you need to research on the inner reasons for the unhappiness for both of you.If she is not your "type", even if she is good person, it does not work.

No body should stop you ,in this forum or else where, to chose your life path.

GOOD LUCK


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## ticktock33

I don't think you did anything wrong by throwing away the diaper. If you didn't know, it seems like a normal thing to do. I wouldn't exactly apologize for that, how are you supposed to know that? But something has to give, holding a grudge won't help at all.

As far as the couch thing goes and her not being very nice about it. You should keep in mind that.

1.She is EXHAUSTED, I commend you for helping out and being super husband. But the baby needs her all the time. She is probably just going through the motions of exsisting right now. So cut her a little slack if she isn't being the nicest.

2. Crazy hormones, I've never had a baby but I do know that women have crazy hormones after the baby. She's going to be up and down and very snippy. After all, she has just given birth and feels awful and all over the place.

She needs reassurance, constantly. You have to make her feel safe. Not that you hate her or want to prove a point about respect. I know that there is only so much that a person that take of constantly being berated. But maybe try handling it in a more constructive and loving way. Don't threaten her with divorce ever unless you mean it. Especially now, she doesn't need that on top of everything else. 

You have to tell her that you love her as much as she needs to hear it. Get her flowers just because or take her shopping. Whatever it is that she likes to do. It will take a while, maybe even years for her to feel safe again. But if you want your marriage to work and you love her, this is what you have to do. The respect will come with you showing that you understand. 

Has she always been this way with you? Is there a chance she would soften if you did other things than just help around the house I don't think you are a bad husband. I think it takes a lot especially for a man to come here and try to get opinions and advice, that is a big step! If it happens again, try to step back from it and just don't say anything and come back to her in kindness and a hug. If she is crying and looking sad, you have to console her!


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## farsidejunky

jnyu44 said:


> Ha! Wonder what the criteria is for 'mod'. You are doing the exact same thing so simmer down. Stay out of my threads unless you really have nothing better to do.


JNY:

Funny, my situation was similar to Anchorwatch. And Mem. And yours.

They have both been through it.

And I would tell you to ignore Mem only if you have no interest in getting better...because he is pointing out what everyone can clearly see...with the exception of you.

I love helping people here, unless their ego is more important than their marriage.

You need to decide which is more important to you.


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## fat_moe

I haven't been married and I have no kids so I don't have all the answers. But, I read your situation and just want to offer a comment on a small point I think I have insight on.

Leadership is important for men in life and relationships. There are exceptions, but that's the usual situation. One of my former supervisors was a great leader and I learned a lot from him on how to inspire people. My supervisor was originally from West Texas and was one of the most stoic men I've ever known. Standing at 6'2", he was intimidating. However, everyone loved him at the office. He was fair and gave people the benefit of the doubt. Even when people screwed up, he wouldn't fly off the handle. He was stern in his expectations. But, he would just explain the his viewpoint and then allowed you to input as well. This rational stoicism allowed for great communication and for a lot of progress to be made in our operations.

The point was that when emotions are constantly getting so heated, it just messes up the entire situation. Be fair to your wife and make your viewpoint known, but for God's sake, don't keep threatening divorce. If she gets heated, then you have to be the leader and stay calm.


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## One2One

Whoa it's taken me a while to read everything before I reply to this.

Firstly, the diaper thing for me was a bit weird. I understand now why your wife has done this but if this was unknown to you when you chucked it out then it's not your fault.
Yes she shouldn't have gone off on one but have you asked yourself why she was so upset about it?
You've said she has OCD, OCD is a control thing, I have it too and I was at my worse when depressed. Is it possible your wife is depressed or has post natal depression?

I've had post natal depression with both of my children and both times it was different.
With my first child I was very over protective, wouldn't let many people near her, wouldn't walk past men when she was with me etc.
Is your wife becoming a bit obsessed with your sons weight etc? Apart from him being small, is he perfectly healthy?

On another note, you already understand why you shouldn't keep saying you want a divorce. This will make her very insecure and she will think you don't love her etc and now you've said you don't want intimacy.

Going back to depression, it's not always about someone being sad all the time, a lot of sufferers can hide it.
With me, I was angry over silly things and I put my husband through a lot, I cringe when I think about it but he was so supportive of me and helped me through it.

My advice to you is to talk to her. Get someone to look after your son and please talk.
Sit down and both of you have your say. You need to see if there is an underlying issue which has made her angry, upset etc, (other than you telling her she has a week to start respecting you - would you respect someone if they said that to you).
You need to reassure your wife and tell her that you love her and you want your marriage to work.

Never go to bed on an argument and always say sorry even if you think it's not your fault.
We always say sorry and make up straight away.

Good luck x


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## ConanHub

I spank her followed by a salami massage. Brings the respect right back.

I'm not joking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three

Our first baby was a premie and we were never give the advice to weigh her diaper. I think is really old fashioned, outdated advice. What is important is making sure babies are eating enough. I'm not sure why you need to know how much coming out" by weighing it, I mean you can visually see how much is coming out, lol.


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## CTPlay

I do not doubt you treat her in high esteem as the world's greatest mom. 

But ... in your actions, how do you treat her as a woman? Be honest.


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## UMP

Do the following and you'll have her respect:

1 Corinthians 13:
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Yes, MUCH easier said than done.


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## jnyu44

MGD said:


> I wonder why people make themselves so busy with irrelevant chores . "Weighing diapers " to check what gets in gets out". Is it scientific ? this is called " BLACK BOX MODEL" in hydrologist term . Still this become reason for collision. So funny to me. In my opinion, you need to research on the inner reasons for the unhappiness for both of you.If she is not your "type", even if she is good person, it does not work.
> 
> No body should stop you ,in this forum or else where, to chose your life path.
> 
> GOOD LUCK


yea I probably wouldn't do half the stuff she's thought of but at the same time our boy is growing wonderfully, except being on the lighter side. I agree, wish I had the wisdom to think about values and comparability when we decided to marry.


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## jnyu44

ticktock33 said:


> I don't think you did anything wrong by throwing away the diaper. If you didn't know, it seems like a normal thing to do. I wouldn't exactly apologize for that, how are you supposed to know that? But something has to give, holding a grudge won't help at all.
> 
> As far as the couch thing goes and her not being very nice about it. You should keep in mind that.
> 
> 1.She is EXHAUSTED, I commend you for helping out and being super husband. But the baby needs her all the time. She is probably just going through the motions of exsisting right now. So cut her a little slack if she isn't being the nicest.
> 
> 2. Crazy hormones, I've never had a baby but I do know that women have crazy hormones after the baby. She's going to be up and down and very snippy. After all, she has just given birth and feels awful and all over the place.
> 
> She needs reassurance, constantly. You have to make her feel safe. Not that you hate her or want to prove a point about respect. I know that there is only so much that a person that take of constantly being berated. But maybe try handling it in a more constructive and loving way. Don't threaten her with divorce ever unless you mean it. Especially now, she doesn't need that on top of everything else.
> 
> You have to tell her that you love her as much as she needs to hear it. Get her flowers just because or take her shopping. Whatever it is that she likes to do. It will take a while, maybe even years for her to feel safe again. But if you want your marriage to work and you love her, this is what you have to do. The respect will come with you showing that you understand.
> 
> Has she always been this way with you? Is there a chance she would soften if you did other things than just help around the house I don't think you are a bad husband. I think it takes a lot especially for a man to come here and try to get opinions and advice, that is a big step! If it happens again, try to step back from it and just don't say anything and come back to her in kindness and a hug. If she is crying and looking sad, you have to console her!


Thank you. I think one of the marriage memos I didn't get was to love absolutely. I'm over those couple of episodes and haven't threatened divorce since then. I forget why she she went nuts over txt recently but instead of threatening divorce I told her I loved her. I don't think she replied but she stopped hahah. So that was progress. 

Her mother was awful to her growing up. Dad was a workaholic. My honest opinion is she is a bit broken. She identifies with BoJack Horseman. It's like this inability to be happy and it's really sad because she really does deserve much better. She's a good person. But it's extremely difficult to be on the other end, being around someone constantly unhappy and constantly going after you because she's unhappy or you didn't do something her way. She's been nasty since she moved overseas to marry me years ago, but I'd mostly been a terrible husband. I don't know what she's like when she's at her best in a secure marriage tbh. I hope we get there. Thanks for the nice words and I'll keep your advice in mind.


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## Coffee Amore

Lest anyone wonder, I was the one who handed out the temporary ban.

To the original poster, I suggest you use the mandatory vacation to read our posting guidelines, in particular this section...

1.Treat others on the forum with dignity and respect.
Personal attacks, hate speech, racist or sexist statements or attacks, sexual harassment, explicit sexual comments, promoting violence, will not be tolerated.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/2117-forum-rules-please-read-first.html


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