# Looking for advice from other married individuals. (Long)



## trying_my_best (Apr 9, 2012)

I am lost and just need some perspective.

My wife and I have been married for 9 years, we've known each other for 15. We are both in our 30s with two children. We are currently going through a difficult time and I am unsure where this marriage is headed.

Beginning: We knew each other in high school. We were good friends and dated for a few years. After high school we seperated but stayed in touch. No matter who our friends were, no matter what choices we made we were each others' best friends. We finally decided to commit to each other and share our lives. We had our beautiful son shortly before we were married. 

Middle: Five months after we were married, after about six years of knowing each other, we hit a rough patch. I had made the mistake of looking at pornographic material on the computer. My wife found out and we talked about it. a couple of weeks after I had found out that she was submitting nude photos of herself to websites and chatting innapropriately with men online. I knew that I was to blame for this and we worked on our problems, which seemed to be a lack of communication. Since then I have not kept a single secret from her and have talked to her if I had any concerns, essentially opening up to her in a way that I had not before. I was the best thing that could have happened for me, I felt a new and better connection with my wife, something I knew would help us in the long run. We had our daughter in 2007 and the pregnancy was difficult. In 2008 I found out my wife had been having a long term emotional affair with someone online including the trade of photos. I was devastated. The things she said to him were things she had never told me. I felt as though the woman I had chosen to spend my life with was a stranger. It took many years and many discussions to work through the pain but we came out stronger than before. The situation took its toll on me and my work suffered. I lost my job. My wife and I agreed that it would work best for me to be a stay at home father while she worked on furthering her career. That was my life for 2 years and I loved every minute I spent with my children. I began working again and things were finally falling into place.

Currently: In Nov of 2011 there was an incident. She was making friends at work and I couldn't be happier for her. One night she said a few of her friends were meeting up at the home of a friend and just hanging out for a few hours. After a few hours I called and told her if anyone was drinking I would be willing to drive her or anyone else home. She said that they had stopped for a bite to eat, but the feeling in my gut told me otherwise. She was at a club a couple of hours away. I wasn't upset with the fact that she went, I was upset with the fact that she had lied to me. The trust was gone again. We fought, we talked for months. Two Saturdays ago (as of this post) she wanted to visit her friend and maybe visit a bar with her, she visits the bar often with her friends. She said she would call when she was ready to come home, I didn't let anyone drive, I'm always the DD for friends and family. Five hours passed and there was no call. I had that feeling in my gut again and decided to go to the bar to take everyone home at 1:30 AM. She wasn't there. She wasn't answering her phone. She had apparently gotten a ride, along with her friends, with one of the guys that her friends had picked up at the bar. I was livid. More than anything I was concerned. She was puking outside when I arrived and I wanted to make sure she was okay, and clearly to everyone there, I was upset. After taking her home here friends texted her with the concern that were going to argue. I felt destroyed. I felt scared and yes angry that she was spending so much time, sometimes eight hours, with friends I didn't know and apparently guys I didn't know. I may visit a friend or family member for an hour or so, and my children wait by the door for me, they won't go to bed until I get home. I stay at home and care for the kids while mom is out drinking or hanging out with friends. My issue right now is that I feel as though I don't know my wife. Is she keeping something from me? Is it my fault? I don't have any friends atm so maybe it's something I don't understand?

So I need help and advice, some guidance. Am I causing this? I feel as though everything is my fault but I'm not the one lying or hiding my feelings. Has anyone been through a situation like this? I know this post seems disjointed, maybe because that's how I feel at the moment. I've probably missed important points so feel free to ask. Please ask, I have no one else to talk to right now. Through everything I've never stopped loving my wife, I want to stop everyone and tell them how much I love her. I'm a mess, help.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Firstly, in your first paragraph you said your wife posted nude photos of herself on a website and you knew you were to blame. No, you weren't. She made the choice to do so, she is an adult so stop enabling her bad behaviour. She needs to be held accountable.

Secondly, your life is just as important as hers. Go out and find some hobbies you enjoy, make friends, get some balance back into your life and your marriage. 

Thirdly, you are not to blame for her going out and drinking with her friends and behaving inappropriately as a wife and a mother. If she has an issue at home, she has the choice to sit down and talk about it with you. Her choice to go out to bars all night with whoever, is her choice. It's the wrong one. You need to be more assertive and voice your concerns. What are you afraid of? That she will leave you? Then as much as that is horrifying to think of, it is better than spending the rest of your life in a marriage where your wife does not treat you with respect.

Hold her accountable for her actions and tell her to stop. You are married. If you think she is having an affair, investigate. Don't sit idle and wondering. Stand up for yourself. She has been displaying bad behaviour for years and it's not acceptable.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry Trying but your wife appears to be a serial cheater.

Her definite EA and her picture submissions are two distinct cases of infidelity.

She goes out for hours on end drinking with friends who are hooking up with men you don't know. Sorry but you've been living in an open marriage for some time. I would be surprised if your wife HASN'T been with anyone else in the last few years. These "friends" of hers are not friends of the marriage. 

Look up the 180 and implement it
Tell her if she wishes to remain in the marriage the nights out without you stop NOW
Get tested for STDs.

There are more drastic steps you may want to consider but I don't know if you're ready to hear them yet


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sorry to say your wife sounds like she sleeping around!


and whats up with your to blame for her sending nude photos?

shes taking you for a ride . your rasing the kids as she parties and sleeps with strangers.

get checked for STDS but I bet your not getting much sex from here anyways.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Even if she's not been sleeping around, her behaviour as of now and the past is still not acceptable. It leads to cheating. She's already had an EA and is showing a total lack of respect for you.

I don't know if you're ready to hear what everybody is saying, but before wanting to defend her (which usually happens in these scenarios, either natural loyalty or a sense that it just couldn't be true), just sit back and think about everything for awhile. You are here for a reason, and even though I'm sure you're not perfect, her actions are not justified. If she has issues with you, this isn't the way to handle it. 

You teach people how to treat you.


----------



## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

Google "Married Man Sex Life", read the blog and if inclined, buy the book. Your wife is taking advantage of you and your easy going nature. She is treating you, your marriage and your family unit with complete lack of respect, concern, or compassion.


----------



## trying_my_best (Apr 9, 2012)

I cannot tell you how much it means to me to hear this. 

I do have hobbies that I enjoy by myself, hobbies I enjoy with the kids and hobbies that I enjoy with her. I haven't met many people that share my interests or views so it has been difficult making friends, but I have a talent for getting along with anybody and making anyone laugh.

I do know I need to stop beating myself up. Those things are her choice and it's her choice whether she wants to stay or go. I am a great father and the best husband I can be.

I cannot thank you enough, this is the first time in a while that I haven't felt alone in how I feel about us and our marriage. I guess I just love her so much, I don't want others to see her as a bad person, so I take responsibility. That ends now. Thank you. Thank you.

One other thing, we may only talk for thirty minutes or so some days, but she will often talk for hours with friends on the same day. Also, after hours upon hours with her friends she never has a funny story or anecdote. Some nights after 8 hours she says she just talked. No hobbies with friends, no drama, no anything. Are these things normal? Whenever I talk to someone I have a lot to share with my wife.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

It sounds like she has just shut you off. You need to be frank with her, put all your cards on the table. Don't be afraid of her reaction.

I know you love her very much. Most people still do when they're going through these things. But if you approach her to talk and come across in any way as needy or desperate, she will know she can get away with whatever she wants. You need to stop being so understanding.

Tell her to end her behaviour, and be prepared to deal with the consequences and if she says no. Because until you are, you won't achieve anything. Don't allow yourself to be treated in a way that makes you feel like this. If she wants to be married, she needs to act like she's married. Full stop. Or else you follow through.

Are you prepared to face this head on?


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You can post this in Coping with Infidelity forum to get more advice on how to confront her.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

keko said:


> You can post this in Coping with Infidelity forum to get more advice on how to confront her.


He's not there yet. There are other issues going on too.


----------



## trying_my_best (Apr 9, 2012)

So okay I confront her tonight all or nothing. I've listened to so many lies from her that I'm not sure what's real anymore. If she flat out says she isn't cheating do I believe it? My gut is telling me that there is way more going on than what I know, I just don't know what. Should I not confront her and investigate? Do I talk to someone who knows her? I told her that I know that her friends wouldn't tell me if she was doing something that would harm our marriage or me. She responded by saying that that's what good friends do, keep secrets. Those who've been through this, what do I do next?


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

It would be hard to investigate her unless you had someone follow her because email/phone etc may bring up nothing. Have you ever looked through her mobile? You can confront her, chances are she'll say nothing.

The point here is that you feel like she is cheating, because her behaviour in your marriage does not promote trust. How are you supposed to feel? Your wife goes out all night and you don't know where she is, who she's with, she lies and doesn't talk to you about any details. How does she think that comes across?

You can ask her outright, but you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that this behaviour of hers stops now. She is married acting like she is single. What life does she want? Because she can't have both.

Sometimes, even with investigating, we never really know the truth if our partner has cheated. You only have to go off what you know. Past behaviour, present behaviour and her attitude. Either she's in this marriage, or she's out.

You have to be prepared to follow through though. I'm not sure if you're ready. Don't get blown off with what you think is lies because it's just what you want to believe. Show her you mean business.


----------



## Energy (Sep 9, 2011)

Trying,

I can tell you that I have been in a similar boat as you, and a BIG part of the issue is that you are at home and she is not. I work from home and watch the kids most of the week, and my wife and I went through a bit of a patch because she was always with other people, socializing with adults, while I was potty training or doing dishes!

My concern for you is that any "all or nothing" confrontation you have with her may push her further away. Instead of going the accusatory route, maybe express to her your feelings of being left out. After all, if you were out with her having fun, then it wouldn't be an issue. It seems the problem is she is doing it without you.

If the conversation steers toward finding ways that you can have fun together instead of separately, then you are on the right path. If she gets defensive and pushes you further way, then you can contemplate on the "all or nothing" talk.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I think it's also that she lies about where she is, doesn't answer her phone, goes in cars with strange men and has had a previous EA with the exchaning of nude photos in more than one instance.

I don't think he just wants to go out and have fun too. I think he needs to feel he can trust his wife.


----------



## Energy (Sep 9, 2011)

I think the previous EA is an issue that may hinder the ability to remember that maybe there is nothing serious going on. That's why, instead of "report to me your every move", I think going the route of "include me or at least take me into consideration in your every move" may be an alternative route. She clearly wants freedom, so being accusatory may push it beyond repair. The truth may come easier than going right for the "gotchya" moment.


----------



## trying_my_best (Apr 9, 2012)

Okay that sounds good. Yeah stay at home dad for years and my current job allows me to work the days and hours of my choosing as long as it gets done. I mostly work around my children's schedules. 

I have gone out dancing with her before but being an introvert, it is draining, but I do it for her and for us. 

I have expressed feeling left out, feeling that she has an entire life that doesn't involve me. 

We actually just spent this past weekend visiting her sister. We both love hiking so we traveled to Red River Gorge in Kentucky and it was beautiful. Everyone had a lot of fun and i really enjoyed myself and the time with the family. 

She knows and has expressed that she puts up an emotional wall any time I bring up either of our feelings. It's something she has been talking about with her counselor. One of the things that she finally admitted to her counselor was that she is a compulsive liar, and has lied at least half of the time to everyone including me. It feels huge that she admitted it and shared it with me. We go for a joint session this Wed and tbh, I'm really scared. I'm not sure why.

I just wish there was something I could do or say to express how much it means for everyone to take time out of their day to give me advice. Thank you.


----------



## trying_my_best (Apr 9, 2012)

Yes it is definitely the trust issue. I feel as though I'm doing my part by trying to trust her again and every time I do she does something suspicious.

I feel as though I'm losing my mind. We have a great week or two then all of a sudden I'm catching her in a lie.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

She has admitted she is a compulsive liar? On top of the EA and the way she is behaving at the moment? That's a lot of reasons why trust may never be on the cards.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Energy said:


> I think the previous EA is an issue that may hinder the ability to remember that maybe there is nothing serious going on. That's why, instead of "report to me your every move", I think going the route of "include me or at least take me into consideration in your every move" may be an alternative route. She clearly wants freedom, so being accusatory may push it beyond repair. The truth may come easier than going right for the "gotchya" moment.


I'm just going to have to disgagree, but to the OP you do whatever you think is best for your situation.

If she wants freedom to do what she wants, then get divorced. If she wants to stay married, then she needs to treat her husband with more respect. It seems she's gotten away with this treatment towards him for far too long. She needs to be held accountable. The 'take me into consideration in your every move' just sounds desperate. Like please, do you think you could do the right thing for me tonight? Seriously he doesn't need to ask. She should already be doing it. 

There's a lot of posts where I think the soft approach is effective. I just feel that the OP needs to be stronger in confronting her, so I want him to know that as her husband he is allowed to have a voice and say what he expects from his marriage.


----------



## Energy (Sep 9, 2011)

Admitted compulsive liar? Okay, I take back the soft approach - go with what Gratitude says. You have to have trust before you can give freedom.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Gratitude said:


> He's not there yet. There are other issues going on too.


Yes he is.



trying_my_best said:


> So okay I confront her tonight all or nothing. I've listened to so many lies from her that I'm not sure what's real anymore. If she flat out says she isn't cheating do I believe it? My gut is telling me that there is way more going on than what I know, I just don't know what. Should I not confront her and investigate? Do I talk to someone who knows her? I told her that I know that her friends wouldn't tell me if she was doing something that would harm our marriage or me. She responded by saying that that's what good friends do, keep secrets. Those who've been through this, what do I do next?


If you confront her, she will deny it at first. Only once you put hard evidence in front of her eyes she will it, but even then she is deep in the fog to understand her action's so she will shift the blame on to you.

Investigate and gather your evidence. If you haven't done so, install a keylogger on a computer she uses. Monitor her emails especially deleted and sent email's. Place a VAR in her car to listen to her phone calls.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Energy said:


> Admitted compulsive liar? Okay, I take back the soft approach - go with what Gratitude says. You have to have trust before you can give freedom.


I know, the more information you get, the different the situation becomes.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Trying,

You confronted too early!

If she is cheating she will now go underground!

Go to the infidelity forum and read up on investigating!

Look for a keylogger for your computer, VARs (voice activated recorders) for use in her card and look at the cell phone bill for heavy texting/calls to one or two numbers that you don't recognize

I'm willing to bet there's much more going on than you suspect but do not confront again without evidence! Pretend all is well and you believe her until you have hard facts!


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Looking at porn and going out and to meet men at a clubs are very different acts. One involves your hand and the other a strange penis. Your wife has lost respect for you because she knows that you're easy to manipulate. Its time to man up and stop rationalizing her bad behavior. Hopefully you will be able to support yourself with your new job because your wife appears to be on her way out. I'm sorry to say this but you are acting like a victim. Take charge of your destiny and start dealing with your marriage from a position of strength.

Peace


----------



## trying_my_best (Apr 9, 2012)

I apologize for reviving an old post, but I did not want to start a new one for the sake of an update.

This past Mon as of the date of this post, my wife has moved in with one of her friends. The preceding Fri I walked into our bedroom to find her texting. She acted very suspicious and and would not under any circumstances let me see the phone. I made the mistake of walking away. I did not want to fight, I needed to pick my son up from school. When I came back, all messages on the phone had been deleted. Mon afternoon I confronted her with evidence that she was planning on moving out. She said that she was planning it and that she was talking to her friend on the phone at that time making plans. She said she need time to listen to her feelings, to feel independent. Since then she has said that "I wasn't really talking about making plans with my friend", so there is now a question of who she was really talking to. 

We had been seeing a MC both separately on some occasions and together on others. Our MC has told my wife that it may be good to stay there until our next appointment on May 2. The first few days were tough. I cried myself to sleep and desperately reached out to her. She came home Fri to spend the night with the children and to spend the day as a family on Sat. She has since left again until this Wed, May 2 when hopefully she will come home for good. She says that we don't have the tools we need to work on our problems and that our MC will be able to guide us in the right direction. A couple of things though:

- Fri during dinner she brought up a male co-worker who I had an issue with her being very flirtatious with. She has said before that she didn't realize it, but during dinner that night she said that I had nothing to worry about. "...I mean he's like, really cute, but..." were the exact words out of her mouth. She's 30, he's 18, grow up.

- All of her friends are between 18 and 21, with no long term relationships under their belt. I feel that it is wrong for someone who is 30 with a husband and children to be around people like this. Am I wrong?

- She has been all over the map in terms of emotions. Fri night all she wanted to do was cuddle with me. She held me tighter than I can ever remember being held. She says she loves me one minute, but does not reciprocate my affection the next. She says she misses me and this is difficult for her, but is good for the marriage long term. When I express missing her or telling her I love her, she simply responds with "I know you do".

- These are things that I have had issues with for the last couple of years and I'm not sure if I should be so worried. Some perspective would help.
- Reading erotic novels while our love making fizzles?
- Wearing very low cut shirts out with her friends or to work?
- Very vulgar or sexually charged discussions with her friends, but when talking to me it is very subdued?
- Questionable pictures or comments on her Facebook from her friends? She says that they are nothing. One friend posted a picture saying "Visibly Wet", she says they were talking about lipstick...Another posted a comment saying "Stripper!!!! ". Not too sure about that one.

Am I losing my mind? I've been stalwart since Sat night and focusing on myself and the kids. I have always been open to anything, anything, but draw the line and walk the line while with family, friends or children to the point I seem boring. Behind closed doors though I feel free with my wife. We both have discussed and agreed that there are simply too many positive things connecting us, too many things that neither one of us has ever found in anyone else, that we each have a vision of the future that is for us to share. I'm more confused than ever.


----------

