# He's giving me two weeks...



## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

My stbxh is giving me the next two weeks for us to see if there is still a fire to be rekindled between us.... I really want to save our marriage and know that we have alot still left between us... Any good date ideas? He loves sports, loves to laugh... I've never had to plan a date before so HELP!!!


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Can we have some background on your issues?

How long have you been married?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you're being set up to fail. What's he doing to "rebuild the fire"? And if you don't know what kind of things he'd like to do on a date, 2 weeks is really short to start over.

My best idea... Go away on a retreat for a weekend. No kids, no phones, just the two of you. And see if you can reconnect. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm with Pbear this has failure written all over it.

I'd need more details to know how to advise.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I know this might be wrong to ask..

Are you guys still having sex? Put your all into it and that will get his attention.


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

Me (29) and my husband (26) have only been married for 1 year... We have a 1 year old child together... He told me he doesn't want to be married anymore., and actually gave me an explanation, here it is:
When considering marriage (after our child was born) he had a lot of pressure from his parents and other elders that we should be married, even though it wasn't something he really wanted. I told him that I loved him and wanted to be married, but didn't want to force him...he thought it was best for the baby (& also thought that if he didn't marry me I'd move back home- I have no family here- and did I mention I moved across the country to be with him?) so... he married me.
Like any novice marriage, we had our fights... I needed love and affection and he needed space (that doesn't go together). We fought (A LOT) the first few months over petty things... a few months ago, when he told me that he wanted a divorce, I told him I was thinking about moving back home (HE WAS LIVID & Hurt) and said he didn't want to be married to someone who would threaten to take our son away...
He says that he doesn't trust me either, b/c I've went thru his phone several times w/o his knowledge and blew up at him for the things I've seen (he works as a nightclub promoter and always has an explanation for the women he flirts with)... I'm so frustrated and think we can work on it... He's given me the ring back and moved out into another apartment w/ a friend of his and said that his decision is divorce, BUT, he needs space to clear his head to see if his mind will change, but if I get tired of waiting then he'll sign the papers...
Fast forward a little... After 6 months of separation I had to move in with him (and room mate) because all of the bills were piling up on me (when he moved out, I was stuck with the bills)... Anyways, of course, since we haven't resolved any of our issues, we still have them, which means we argue... This probably only confirms his argument to get a divorce, but I feel we still have something together. And my son always seems so happy when the both of us are present  Anyways, he is still hell bent on signing the papers BUT because I begged him to not sign and give us a couple weeks to work it out, he's agreed. Now, the only reason I asked for 2 weeks is because I'm confident that he'll stay, Y? Because ever since we've had our son, we have probably been out alone together about 3 times! (Baby's 18 months old & we don't live around family, so there's no free babysitting! And he works nights /I work days) Before this, we went out all the time. I think he just needs to remember who we are together, again. So, I'm planning a series of events that just involve the two of us... Dinner, Dancing, Skating, Roller coasters.. you name it, we're gonna do it! LOL...


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Nothing hurts to trying. You seem to have a very sound plan on how to fix things.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How are you going to do all these things this time when you couldn't before? And what will you both do to implement long lasting changes?

Sorry, I hope this works for you. I'd make sure you pick things that you can spend time talking and getting to know each other better. Going out and having fun without fixing the problems in the relationship is like going on vacation and expecting all your financial woes to be gone when you get back. Sure, you have a good time and forget your problems while you're on vacation. But the underlying issues still remain. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Failure is in your future. Shame on your stbxh.

Mine was kind of the same way. Only he gave me a month to "turn myself around". (The house wasn't clean enough, then after a month of cleaning...he told me it was over and he didn't love me anymore)


So, ultimatums and deadlines are a bad idea. Period.


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

Ok, I'm not stupid enough to think/feel that this is going to make our marriage prosperous and happy. I'm not attempting to "fix" the marriage, my whole point in these activities is for the two of us to come closer together. As I said, with him working nights/me days, and an 18 month old, there's no time for us... and when there seems to be time available, he wants it for himself to wind down from all of the business. When we're stressed and in a tense environment, we don't want to talk to each other. But, I notice when we are "away from it all" he opens up more... I'm not trying to work miracles, just trying to get a jump start on a hopeful reconciliation... I'll be getting a babysitter for the times I need (usually we just don't feel like paying anyone, lol). I'm really going to put effort in this one... so any ideas for dates would help.  I get that I could thing negatively, but that won't get me anywhere, and I'd be in a foul mood the whole time, complaining to myself that this is a waste of time... OR, I can show him a great time and hope for the best...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The elephant in the room that you are ignoring is that he didn't want to get married in the first place. I'm not sure any amount of fun or bonding is going to fix that.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mavash is right.

And you know what. I give you credit for going for it and trying.

Plan your fun weekend and do it!

But I am sad to say there is a high chance he is going to walk away because he does not want to be married to anyone.

It really has little to do with you.

And do not let him guilt you about moving home to be close to family.

If he could so easily move out and leave you with all the bills you should move back home just as easily to have the love and support of family.

Go see an attorney and find out your rights.

HM64


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

Understood Mavash... a big giant white elephant... But, again... not trying to skirt the issues, just trying to enjoy each other's company. Sheesh... maybe I should just forget the whole thing and tell him to sign the papers!  After all of these comments, I feel I'm doomed no matter what!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm not trying to be a downer I can just see the writing on the wall in your case. He wants to cake eat. He wants his baby close by without having to be married to you. That's his dilema. He's trying to choose whether his happiness is worth losing his son over. That's what the two weeks is for. It's not about you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lanilla,

Do not feel doomed.

Mavash is right on point.

If you love this guy then give it one more try out your love for him and to keep your family together.

But in the end if he does not want to be married then you need to do what you need to do to survive and support your son.

And that might not include him in your life and his son not in his life.

Good Luck

HM64


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

Wow... You hit the nail on the head with that one! He's told me in prior conversations that he would prefer to have us divorce and me stay here, he'd be happier, so, I'm not oblivious to his feelings. ahhh... call me crazy, dumb, blind, I realize this seems like an obvious thing, "He wants a divorce b/c he doesn't want to be married," but I just feel we have more together than apart. And, on top of all that, I KNOW I can't stay around here while he moves on so happily while I'm miserable, without family for support. He's said that he things we can be friends after the divorce. Not as soon as he things, b/c my heart is all in and the pain will be too much... which is why I feel I should at least try, cause if I don't Id regret not putting in the extra effort it may take...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He keeps telling you the truth but you don't want to hear it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to to talk to a lawyer if you think you can move back home with your son...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

Hey, I never said you were wrong... Denial isn't just a river in Egypt... I may be in denial... BUT, for our sons sake, I think giving it another try won't hurt. Afterall, his voice can't be heard, he's only 1. And if I move away... ugh... just not getting happy thoughts here... What would you do Mavash?? What would you feel like if you were my stbxh?


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I'm not trying to be a downer I can just see the writing on the wall in your case. He wants to cake eat. He wants his baby close by without having to be married to you. That's his dilema. He's trying to choose whether his happiness is worth losing his son over. That's what the two weeks is for. It's not about you.


you are right. He is feeling trapped. But being there and questioning our relationship. My wife did bring me around. There was too much distance between us emotionally. The relationship grew apart. Became more of a chore and wasnt fun. She brought me around and it was called lots of love, no distractions. And totally giving me attention and sex. She was completley giving. Basically showing and giving me something i just couldnt believe anything could be better and i realized i really didnt even remember what i was upset about anymore. She took the doubt and questions right away. Instead of feeling trapped you are back to being close and euphoria again.
you have a lot of pull o.p. 
That child is the tie that binds. he knows already that you will be in his life no matter what. what he is wondering is if he is happy about that, which has alot to do with you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

PBear said:


> You need to to talk to a lawyer if you think you can move back home with your son...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good point. My best friend tried to leave the state and he got a court order saying she couldn't. What she was advised to do was leave FIRST and file after she established residency there. Kinda like Katie Holmes recently did with her public divorce from Tom Cruise.

My friends story had a happy ending only because he inherited money and was quick to sign so he didn't have to share otherwise she could have been stuck here.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, I do think you're doing the right thing to try to fix your marriage. I just don't think it's likely to work in the parameters you give. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lanilla said:


> Hey, I never said you were wrong... Denial isn't just a river in Egypt... I may be in denial... BUT, for our sons sake, I think giving it another try won't hurt. Afterall, his voice can't be heard, he's only 1. And if I move away... ugh... just not getting happy thoughts here... What would you do Mavash?? What would you feel like if you were my stbxh?


I have no idea how I'd feel I got married because I wanted to not because I felt I had to. 

But please take Pbear's advice and seek legal council (secretly). He really could stop you from leaving with your son and think how awful that would be for you.

One more try won't hurt anything that's true. Its only 2 weeks.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

PBear said:


> Btw, I do think you're doing the right thing to try to fix your marriage. I just don't think it's likely to work in the parameters you give.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

I don't see it working either.


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

Legal advice is definitely in the near future, as I am sure he would fight me tooth and nail to keep our son here... which would put us at odds and won't be good for our son... Let me try and clarify something.. My stbxh didn't want to get married at the time we got married, it's not that he didn't want to get married at all.. he just felt we rushed into it. He's told me many times that we should've waited... But, I do agree with you all that it may not work out, after all he did move out, and said he was great during the separation... ugh.. maybe I just don't want the pain anymore and feel as though working it out will be better... Because, the end of the story looks like a lose lose for me, and a win win for him...


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lanilla said:


> Legal advice is definitely in the near future, as I am sure he would fight me tooth and nail to keep our son here... which would put us at odds and won't be good for our son... Let me try and clarify something.. My stbxh didn't want to get married at the time we got married, it's not that he didn't want to get married at all.. he just felt we rushed into it. He's told me many times that we should've waited... But, I do agree with you all that it may not work out, after all he did move out, and said he was great during the separation... ugh.. maybe I just don't want the pain anymore and feel as though working it out will be better... Because, the end of the story looks like a lose lose for me, and a win win for him...


Lanilla

He is great with separation because you and his child are there.

Try because your heart is in the right place.

But go see or speak to a lawyer.

And remember one thing. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and sometimes it makes people grow up.

My BIL knocked up my SIL years ago. She was 17 and he was 27. He did not want to get married and wanted her to havean abortion.

She had the baby. My nephew is now 21 years old this past weekend. My BIL and SIL have been married 19 years. Guess what, he grew up.

But my SIL was smart. She moved back home, her parents and family supported her and her decision.

And my BIL became a father. That was the same day at 27 that he finally became a man.

The rest is history.

Good Luck

HM64


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lanilla said:


> Because, the end of the story looks like a lose lose for me, and a win win for him...


Not true. If you do this right you WILL get to leave with your son and it will be lose lose for him. He loses both of you.

For you it will be bittersweet but you have a beautiful baby boy and you will survive this with the support of your family.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

How about going to see a comedian? Comedy club?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mavash

A wise person posted this on another thread just a little while ago.

Read it:

"Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never ever insist yourself on someone who continuously over looks your worth"

Go live your life. It will be great and you will find the right man who values not only love and your son but you!

HM64


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

... you're all right  Since I've already planned the two weeks, I'll stick to them... and in the meanwhile I'll talk to an attorney as I know he already has one. This way, I can get my affairs in order, and feel at ease during the next 2 weeks. I think deep in my heart I know it's over... He does seem happier with the life he lives when I'm not involved... But, I'll feel at ease, b/c in the end, I tried...


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

seriously? your going to give up like that? 
You are suppose to leave your mother and father, not run home to them. 
wow.


That is probably just what he is expecting. You could always surprise him and throw your all into it and give him reason to reconsider!!


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

I'm not giving up... I'm just not going to lure myself into a false hope. I'm sure his mind may be made up, but, as I said, I've planned the two weeks, so I'm going to fulfill them with all the love and strength I have.. b/c afterall, it's for our son... But, as I said, he does have an attorney already, so it would be foolish for me not to get one as well. Oh and I am planning on a comedy show for one of the dates!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So, how's the recovery going?

C


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

I don't want to Jinx anything (not that I can or can't) but, so far so good  Trying to get a babysitter and go around each of our schedules has been challenging... But, it makes the time we have together all that more special (for me that is). Our first date was a comedy show (good icebreaker) an impromptu pizza place, and a early morning (1 a.m.) game of pool... Alchohol was involved, but we fell sleep on the couch together (no hanky panky, lol)... a good night... the second date was at a fancy steak restaurant.. and we went out for a friends wedding a couple of nights later... and dance alot (w/the baby and all!) This week I plan on doing more active things, skating, outdoors stuff... He's responded quite well... we haven't argued at all... and, b/c of his work schedule and me not being able to get a full 2 weeks, he offered (w/no poking from me) to extend it into a 3rd week!  He's talking to me more... I'm realizing the more I shut up, the more he speaks  So... so far, so good....


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lanilla,

Good for you.

Just listen and watch his actions.

Follow up on the attorney.

HM64


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Lanilla said:


> I don't want to Jinx anything (not that I can or can't) but, so far so good  Trying to get a babysitter and go around each of our schedules has been challenging... But, it makes the time we have together all that more special (for me that is). Our first date was a comedy show (good icebreaker) an impromptu pizza place, and a early morning (1 a.m.) game of pool... Alchohol was involved, but we fell sleep on the couch together (no hanky panky, lol)... a good night... the second date was at a fancy steak restaurant.. and we went out for a friends wedding a couple of nights later... and dance alot (w/the baby and all!) This week I plan on doing more active things, skating, outdoors stuff... He's responded quite well... we haven't argued at all... and, b/c of his work schedule and me not being able to get a full 2 weeks, he offered (w/no poking from me) to extend it into a 3rd week!  He's talking to me more... I'm realizing the more I shut up, the more he speaks  So... so far, so good....


Im rooting and praying for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

*He's giving me two weeks... Update*

Two weeks later.... So, after all of my dates planned (comedy show, dinner, movie, dancing) And... I hate to say it, b/c I see me getting jumped on for this one... Sex, yes... we had sex, wait... twice... Now, he hasn't shooed me away, and, I even told him about a date I planned for next Friday (looking for a reaction) and he didn't say... Wait, two weeks is over, or anything... Not quite sure what to make of any of this. I'm still on pins and needles (alittle) b/c he can end it at anytime.. And, I'm afraid to ask him anything along the lines of "Have you made a decision?"

On another note, his parents have offered to watch our son for a few weeks.. Now, when I heard this, I immediately thought this meant, "We'll watch the baby so you guys can go through your divorce and the baby won't be around." BUT, I asked my stbxh, "What are we going to do while the baby is gone?" And he replied, "Well, if we are going to stay together, we'll have to find a place and that'll take time.. Or, if we decide to divorce, that'll take time as well and you still have to find a place..." Now, two weeks ago, there was never any mention of option 1, he couldn't even spit the words "If we are going to stay together" out of his mouth... So, I'm hoping this is a good sign... But, I'm not getting my hopes up, there is still a 50/50 chance... Well more like 60/50...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

"Have you made a decision" comes across as entirely needy.

Never ask that.


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

Note taken! I won't ask him... Besides, I think he'll feel pressured again, and I don't want that.


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

*Two weeks is over... and?*

Since completing the "two week" trial of dating, me and my stbxh have been floating around the issue of, "Well, what do we do now?" We, inadvertently, came into the conversation yesterday, when I casually asked him about another date this week, to the which he replied, "I'm trying to get my schedule back on track (he's an athlete) so the availability I gave you for the 2 weeks won't be there..." and, seeing doom in the future, I asked if we both had free time (ever) if it would be okay with him if we could still date??? (I asked this while bracing myself for bad news) but, he replied, "If we both have free time, that's fine".... 

Two weeks ago, he didn't want to look at me... and now, this... I don't want to get excited or anything... But is this good news?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't totally understand the "availability", "free time", and "could we date", but it seems you're not really high on his priority list. But if you're willing to squeeze in between his workouts and competitions and continue to provide housekeeping and other services in the meantime, maybe it can work out for you two.

Sorry to be harsh. But where's the talk about love and being life partners?

C


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

PBear said:


> I don't totally understand the "availability", "free time", and "could we date", but it seems you're not really high on his priority list. But if you're willing to squeeze in between his workouts and competitions and continue to provide housekeeping and other services in the meantime, maybe it can work out for you two.
> 
> Sorry to be harsh. But where's the talk about love and being life partners?
> 
> C


:iagree:

It all depends if you do not mind dating your H and if you two will be exclusively dating???

You have to know what you are ok with Lanilla and you have to make that very clear to him.

I know you love him but do not short change yourself either.


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

The good thing is that HE actually made the rule about us not dating anyone during the separation, so I'm fine with that. But, to me, this seems like a good step, considering divorce was a signature away two weeks ago... I don't feel the need to make any ultimatums or drag out my feelings. He knows how strong I feel... I feel he's hesitating b/c he still has mixed feelings about the whole thing, remember he didn't want to get married in the first place... I feel he may want it to work but has a huge resistance to it. BUT, since the two weeks went so well (which, come on, u can't base anything on two weeks) he may want to see what the "real world" living will be like.... again, just my thoughts...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Lanilla said:


> The good thing is that HE actually made the rule about us not dating anyone during the separation, so I'm fine with that. But, to me, this seems like a good step, considering divorce was a signature away two weeks ago... I don't feel the need to make any ultimatums or drag out my feelings. He knows how strong I feel... I feel he's hesitating b/c he still has mixed feelings about the whole thing, remember he didn't want to get married in the first place... I feel he may want it to work but has a huge resistance to it. BUT, since the two weeks went so well (which, come on, u can't base anything on two weeks) he may want to see what the "real world" living will be like.... again, just my thoughts...


That part (him suggesting the rule) IS a good thing, so long as you can trust him on that. But he still doesn't seem as invested in the relationship as you are, and that's a dangerous position to be. He can continue to hold you an emotional hostage until it suits him to go one way or the other. Because you're showing him you're willing to place him as your priority without him reciprocating.

My personal opinion, and it's sometimes easier said than done... I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. If they're just there because I'm providing a free place to live, they can go someplace else (as an example).

By saying he's an athlete, is that his profession? Or his hobby?

C


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## Lanilla (Jan 20, 2012)

@PBear, he is an athlete (professional, I'd rather not say more) But, because this is his profession, I don't take it personal that he's not always available... But, I do agree with your point of:

"But he still doesn't seem as invested in the relationship as you are, and that's a dangerous position to be. He can continue to hold you an emotional hostage until it suits him to go one way or the other. Because you're showing him you're willing to place him as your priority without him reciprocating."

I think I realized this a couple of days ago and have "backed away" from him... One thing that I have noticed about him, since I've been with him, is that when I don't try to engage him in anyway, he comes to me. And, as hard as it is for me to stay out of his "face" I know this will be best. It's like a mini 180... he always strays back... 

Also, everytime I do the "mini 180" I feel better.. about us, myself... I just feel free. Instead of knocking my head against a brick wall trying to make something "happen," when I just let go, things go smoother...


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