# [UPDATE] Jealousy VS. Control...



## Logan 3 (Apr 24, 2013)

Thanks to everyone who expressed concern about how things were going with my wife (on the forum, as well as privately). My original thread was:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/72402-when-jealousy-normal-when-change-too-much.html

We kept the no-GNO policy for a while. She ended up focusing on gym activities during this time, like *Groundpounder *predicted. Although she attended fewer social events, she was taking an increased interest in her physical appearance. Her wardrobe kept getting updated, with higher-end and more flattering clothing.

W resented not being able to go out and have fun with her friends. She talked about it in counselling, how disrespectful it felt. That wasn’t what she "pictured marriage would be like" as a little girl. Her resentment made W uncooperative about planning our own date nights. I continued to think of date ideas, take the initiative, make reservations, etc. She would find fault with my suggestions, or claim to be feeling unwell.

W was also unreceptive to my attempts at going to the gym together. She took special classes, like bikram yoga or pilates, that were harder for me to join. Her personality continued to sour at home, even around the kids. My son found her standing at the side of the driveway one night, smoking a cigarette and using her iPhone. He is used to W acting like a bubbly, concerned parent. She didn’t appreciate being discovered, and acted very cold and impatient with him. He was dismayed.

This _status quo_ continued for a couple of months. Then I had to travel for work. In counselling, W complained that I was able to go on "vacation", while she still couldn't see her friends. The therapist backed me up, however. He said my trip had no social connotation to it. The Friday I was gone, my son made overnight plans with his friend. My daughter decided to stay home studying. 

There was tension between W and daughter at dinner. W announced she would be going out that night… _"If your father can do it, so can I"._ W didn't want to discuss it any further. My daughter bit her lip and kept studying. After a couple hours showering and getting ready, W came downstairs at 10, talking to her ride on the phone. My daughter says she wore a fancy dress – not excessively short – with a lot of makeup and jewelry. She told my daughter, "You can call my cell if there is a problem". Then she left to meet her friend in the driveway.

Coming home at 3 AM, W woke my daughter while fumbling with the door and bumping into things. My daughter went to use the bathroom and found W there with the door ajar. W had removed her dress and was brushing her teeth, wearing a thong and an expensive-looking bra. She saw my daughter waiting at the door and said _"Yes? Can I help you?"_ in a loud voice. She was slurring her words. My daughter went back to her room and waited.

When I returned, W was unrepentant about seeing her friends. She said it was a deal breaker for her now. In counseling, she said that if she couldn't see her friends a couple times a month, she was going to leave. For the sake of my family, I compromised… knowing I would have her VAR'd and followed the next time, anyway.

The next GNO went down the same as before. A girlfriend picked her up by car. They drove back to the friend's house. My buddy who tailed them waited for a taxi to arrive an hour later. The girlfriend came out dressed nearly the same as before. W's clothes were much different and more revealing. 

The cab dropped them off at a nightclub. Once again, my friend doesn't think he can get inside. I tell him he doesn't need to wait around. W gets back to our house at 2:15. I pretend to be asleep while she showers and puts on pajamas. She's in her side of the bed by 2:30… still smelling a lot like alcohol, despite the shower.

*[That's all I can manage right now. Will continue tomorrow...]
*


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

I'm sorry Logan3. I think I already know what your next post is going to say...

Stay strong.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Logan,

Sorry can't imagine you get any sleep when the hours pass slowly and your W is out at some club. 

Don't have sex with your W as you don't know what STD she might be carrying.

I guess you know she was mad at your son for interrupting her conversation with her affair partner.

Tamat


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry for you,but you know where is this going.

Your wife have more important things then her marriage. Her friends and disco bars are worth for more then her marriage and family.

Sorry again and stay strong my friend.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

She's gone off the deep end. I'd guess she probably got tired of playing the goody good wife part.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Sorry for the spot you are in. This seems like a slow motion train wreck...

The example she is setting for her kids is terrible. Sounds like she has checked out of the marriage and family.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I have to ask...

Why are you putting up with this behavior?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

She prefers the single lifestyle it seems. Time to oblige?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

First they turn on their loyal spouse, then they turn on their poor, unsuspecting children.

Post nup time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm so sorry man. 

God, I've been through a fraction of what you're going thru and I know it's hell. 

Keep posting. It helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Logan, sorry you had to come back.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I hate to say it, but I called it in 2013 when I said that this was not over. Time to wake her up to reality and file.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

YOU will have to make a short term plan on where you want to be and how to get there

The pain not only you but your kids will go through because of indecision will prolong what obviously looks inevitable

*You tried *and your kids know this and more importantly YOU KNOW THIS


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Logan 3 said:


> . . .
> 
> *[That's all I can manage right now. Will continue tomorrow...]*


???


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yeah, I remember your thread. Sorry you are back in the morass. Get your proof for yourself to move on and do so.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

In essence, she has no compunction about lying about where she is going and what/who she's doing it with. Her family seems to be of no concern whatsoever.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Logan 3 said:


> *
> There was tension between W and daughter at dinner. *
> Coming home at 3 AM, W woke my daughter while fumbling with the door and bumping into things. My daughter went to use the bathroom and found W there with the door ajar. W had removed her dress and was brushing her teeth, wearing a thong and an expensive-looking bra. She saw my daughter waiting at the door and said _*"Yes? Can I help you?"*_* in a loud voice. She was slurring her words.*





> *For the sake of my family, I compromised*… knowing I would have her VAR'd and followed the next time, anyway.


Sorry, this bothered me after I posted. I'll wait until you update and hope you have protected your daughter from this crap.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Logan, sorry that you are experiencing this awful behaviour from your wife. What did your wife mean by "if your father can go out so can I" ? Have you in the past done this type of thing with the guys? Just wondering.


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## Logan 3 (Apr 24, 2013)

*[Continued from last time…]*

I'd already done preliminary research on attorneys. The next day I contacted one. I also had my friend follow W when she drove to her next gym session. She left her jacket in the car and walked in wearing yoga pants and a tank top that emphasized a lot of cleavage.

10 minutes later, my friend spots her leaving through the back door with a guy who might work at the gym. 5'11, crew cut, broad physique, hispanic features, kind of resembles Charlie Sheen. They get into a black range rover and drive to a condo a few minutes away.

Going inside, he tries to put a hand on W's back and wrap it around her waist. She leans away, walking faster toward the door. My friend sees them reappear 50 minutes later. W's hair is wet and combed back, like she just got out of the shower. Walking to the car, the guy lets his hand rest between W’s hip and her butt. She's less standoffish this time.

They park in the rear lot of the gym. No one leaves for a few minutes. The car windows are tinted, but my friend guesses they’re making out. The guy holds her arm and helps her down the step on the passenger side. They enter the gym and W walks out the front door a few minutes later. She drives back to our house.

At this point, I have the lawyer draft papers so I can serve her. I know W is planning a night out that weekend, so I force myself to stay dark a few days longer and hire a PI to follow her. It's the same routine as before: changing clothes at her girlfriend’s place, taking a cab to the club, etc.

Unlike my friend, the PI is able to get inside. He says W acts like a natural inside the club. She spends 40% of her time at the bar – talking to friends and letting different guys buy her drinks. Half her time is spent on the dance floor. The PI says she dances "confidently" with men of various ages. A few times, she grinds up against her partner. Once, she lets a young, athletic-looking man put his hands on her butt and kiss her on the lips.

W spends 10% of the night smoking outside with a group of males and females. The PI takes a picture of her huddled with the other smokers, talking to two men in particular. She's wearing a skimpy dress and has someone else's jacket draped on her shoulders.

W is surprised when I serve her papers. There's a lot of crying and telling me I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I stay cool and show her the photo. She's standing outside a club – half dressed – with two tall, sketchy looking men.

W hires a lawyer and they try to play hardball. She wants to fight for custody, but neither child wishes to live with her. She ends up keeping the house and the Mercedes. I move with the kids to a condo that's closer to downtown. She files a few motions pertaining to spousal support. Otherwise, we don't see much of her that year.

When my daughter can't make plans to go for lunch on her birthday, W drops off a present instead. She shows up wearing formfitting dress pants and a blouse that hangs way open at the neck. We conclude that she's had a few procedures done. Her eyes, lips and breasts all seem weirdly enhanced.

Her hair is bigger and more blonde, but she also looks tired and somehow fragile. I suspect that she's drinking a lot, and possibly taking other drugs. The conversation with my daughter is awkward and she doesn't stay long.

On her own birthday, my ex invites the kids to dinner at the old house. Her new "boyfriend" is there. The kids describe him as a younger Polynesian guy who probably goes to her gym. He introduces himself, then hangs out alone in another room. W offers everyone champagne to go with the pizza she ordered. The kids decline. 

W calls her BF into the kitchen to get a slice of pizza. She gestures for him to rub her back while she eats, drinks and talks to the kids. W is acting positive and relaxed. The kids don't know what to say while this 6'2 guy rubs her shoulders and she asks them questions about school. My son texts me, telling me to pick them up as soon as W unwraps her present.

That situation pretty much sums up how things are going with my ex. I occasionally hear from her lawyer, but she isn't a big part of the kids' lives right now. I try to put on a calm front around her. Inside, my emotions are still a wreck. It's hard getting back into dating – actually impossible. I have not gotten over the broken trust… or having the foundation of my whole life rocked.

Sorry this wasn't a happier update. I hope anyone who cares about what happened with me at least gets some closure. I do believe it's better that I moved on, and can potentially experience a more honest relationship in the future.

Thanks everyone,

Logan


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Logan,

It wasn't a matter of if your wife was cheating; it was when would you catch her. She's a skank ho and you deserve better.

I'm wishing you the best.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Logan with her gone you have lost nothing

Sorry this turned out for the worst but yet, when you are rid of her that will be for the best.

Keep your chin up young brother

55


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You found out the truth about what you were married to. She's lost everything in the world that matters.

You got your kids and life will continually get better.

Thanks for the update.

Prayers for you and your kids

Chap


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Logan, sorry things worked out the way they did. Your EXho... I mean EXskank, doesn't deserve you or the family she threw away. Her new BF is getting what he deserves.


I know it is tough, but you are better off without her in your life. Please keep focusing on yourself and the kids.

I look back on all the BS my XWW put me through and can't believe I actually put up with all of it. Life really is better for me now that I am divorced from her and have moved forward. Yours will be in time as well.

Wishing you and your children all the best.

WD.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So her new 6'2" Polynesian boyfriend is different from the 5'11" Charlie Sheen look-alike she slept with while at the gym ?

Did you ever confront her about that guy too ? Seems like there must be a line of "boyfriends" waiting to have their go with your wife from the gym.


The start of your last thread is so different from the end of this one. It started with her making herself more fit and attractive but still the same lovely woman you married. And somewhere along the way this is what she became. Mind boggling.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

All I can say is... *ugh*

Divorce this woman already.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The update is appreciated. The outcome is deeply regrettable but expected. In time you will begin to trust again and life will improve. You will never know what your strength has meant to your children. I wish you strength and good fortune.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

There is only one thing to say to such a disgusting cheater.....Good Riddance.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

EVERY MAN'S DREAM WIFE



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Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Logan I'm sorry this happened to you. You are another victim of a growing epidemic of liberated, entitled women who are throwing away their marriages, children and good reputations to try to retrieve some shallow reflection of their lost youth. It is so sad. Sad for you, sad for your children, and sad for society at large. 

Take some cold comfort in the knowledge that you are not the only man this has happened to. It is happening all the time, to thousands of men everywhere.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Logan,

Sorry for this horrible state.

Please see what you can do about keeping these OM away from your children especially your daughters. Empty headed roid raged gym guys should not be around young girls. The statistics on non-biologic boy freinds beating or abusing children are not good.

Tamat


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Hope she pays child support.

and alimony.

glad you are rid of her.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Well, I'm sorry to hear things crashed and burned. I've thought that people here were too quick to assume cheating when there are red flags but unfortunately 99% of the time they are correct. It does seem once things derail they tend to get worse, not better.

I do recommend Individual Counseling for the children - I can't imagine dealing with abandonment by a mother at their age. Their school may be able to recommend someone. I'd say the same for you - I hear over and over that doing this with a good counselor was 100% worth it. 

Are you officially divorced? If you have sole custody there shouldn't be much need to have any further contact with her. 

Again, sorry for what you have gone through.


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## Logan 3 (Apr 24, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your comments so far.



TAMAT said:


> Please see what you can do about keeping these OM away from your children especially your daughters. Empty headed roid raged gym guys should not be around young girls. The statistics on non-biologic boy freinds beating or abusing children are not good.


This is a good point. They spend extremely little time with their mother, but I will stay on the lookout.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If you can afford it have her boyfriendd checked out by PI.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry your story ended up this way, however I am glad your children have you. They will need all the emotional support they can get from here on out because for a mother to pursue such activities at the expense of her husband and children is extreme. 

I do hope you get your divorce asap and begin to move on with your life. Surround yourself with positive people and family. get counselling for yourself and the children. You will have to go through the period of 'grieving' for a lost marriage and life history but the days will get brighter ahead. We are rooting for you.


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## Logan 3 (Apr 24, 2013)

aine said:


> What did your wife mean by "if your father can go out so can I" ? Have you in the past done this type of thing with the guys? Just wondering.


She was referring to me traveling for work for a few days. She was twisting the significance of my trip, to justify her GNOs. I don't have a problem socializing with male friends in the context of going out with our wives. 'Drinking with the boys' mainly happened when we were young men going to bachelor parties, many years ago.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Look, you did everything you could. You even went to counseling with an unrepentant jerk. Seriously, who considers work travel the same as a GNO or a vacation? I'd give up my house and cars for my kids. In my book you made out much better than her. She has no clue how badly she fractured her relationship with her girls.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Encourage your kids to be open in their contempt of their mother's slvtty behavior.

Just because she is mom doesn't mean they quietly accept her wh0ring

I am speaking from experience. Keeping it inside hurts and a woman who puts her crotch ahead of her children deserves every cold shoulder and verbal slam her children want to throw her way.

Contrary to many teachings, getting pregnant does not make you a mom or deserving of any respect.

It is how you behave that earns respect.

Your ex deserves derision and unless she transforms from wh0re to mother, she deserves nothing else.

Sorry she is a skank. Protect your children and empower them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Look, you did everything you could. You even went to counseling with an unrepentant jerk. Seriously, who considers work travel the same as a GNO or a vacation? I'd give up my house and cars for my kids. In my book you made out much better than her. She has no clue how badly she fractured her relationship with her girls.


Worse. She compared him working to support her and his children to running out to see how many extra dycks she could stuff in her slimy nether regions.

I would have nothing to do with her if she was my mom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

This is a happy update IMO. You got rid of her from your life.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Did you ever get an honest accounting from her as to when all this started?

One thing that jumps out at me is the woman you are describing now sounds nothing like the person you were married to in your original thread. What do you think happened to cause her to change so radically? Any input from mutual friends and family?

You mentioned the suspicion she may be using drugs? If she is in the medical field she can access some high quality product...I'd make sure to separate finances 100% if you haven't done so yet. 

The possibility of her life taking a big time dive seems quite high.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I took a look at the original thread and I have to say that this strikes me as somewhat of a self fulfilling prophesy. OP's wife started taking a little better care of herself and instead of being supportive he felt threatened and wondered if her being happier was bad for him. WTF? How can a happy wife who's taking better care of herself possibly be bad? Unless hubby is threatened by it and doesn't want the status quo changed. There was little in the thread early on to suggest she was up to no good, but there was plenty to suggest that OP wasn't especially supportive of her efforts.
> 
> I wonder if OP didn't do little things to sabotage her.....it's actually quite common when one spouse starts taking better care of themselves and the other feels threatened so instead of being supportive they sabotage. This then pushes the spouse away.
> 
> Seems to me that some of that might have happened here. There was no reason OP couldn't embrace his wife's improved habits back when she still had little interest in getting made up and going out. Or he could've taken better care of himself and taken her out himself. Instead he chose to see her happiness as a threat to him, implying that it made him happy to know she was a little less secure about herself. Too bad, their marriage could possible have improved.


...I have no words.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> ...I have no words.


I do but I'd get banned if I used them.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> ...I have no words.


Word!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

.


GusPolinski said:


> ...I have no words.





Iver said:


> I do but I'd get banned if I used them.


LOL. 

Two times a week GNOS, sometimes with wine and taking showers when she came home late, after he was sleep, but he should have supported the positive changes? 

*Shrugs*
Those are things I remember, guess I'll have to go back and read it again. I guess I'll 'put on the "always support your spouse no matter what" glasses and see if it reads differently.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Logan 3, so sorry that you had to go through this but we are all impressed by how well you've handled it.

Hang in there. Things will be great again.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> ...I have no words.





Iver said:


> I do but I'd get banned if I used them.


One of the biggest blame shifts I've seen.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Wow, just reread your thread. I forgot how you did everything to support your wife, even when people were being extremely acerbic, by steadfastly believing it was your insecurities and jealousy causing problems. You didn't check the phone, emails, texts and reluctantly purchased a VAR. You refused to hire a PI, install a keylogger and balked when people suggested what your wife was doing was off. You set up dates, tried to join in on her activities and get her back into the family and marriage. She pouted about anything you did to try and save the marriage.

Sadly, I ran across your post about her dress the day she went to the gym and it disturbed you.. Sad because some people ridiculed you for noticing how she dressed and walked through the house that day. Now, we see your intuition most likely was correct.


Glad you finally hired a PI, still wish it would have turned out better.


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