# What happens when her dreams never come true



## used2be (May 1, 2012)

Long story, I will try and keep it down to the basics but I have been married to my wife for almost 9yrs now, I'm 28 and she is 26, we got married young, we were both virgin's. After getting married we decided that we would just go ahead and start a family, well after the first year nothing happen (kids) so we started to consult a doctor and maybe find something out, our 2nd year was filled with doctor visits, tests for both of us (mainly her) with no improvements. Doctors tell both of us that we are in good health and able to have kids, they can't tell us what is causing this. Long story short 9 years with no kids and tring has her mentally weak some days are better than others while some days I don't know what to say or do and just hate to see her so depressed. Those days when she is depressed is filled with silence and alcohol, which makes me think if she is happy or question her decision to stay or be with me. I often think what her life would be without me, maybe she would have kids of her own or a life she might enjoy. We have talked about adopting but the more I think about it the more I don't want to, I look at the adoption ads only see older kids and I know that she would want a baby. Money is a issue and always has been so invetro is out of the question. I feel like I am wasting her life, her goal in life was to be a mom. What makes it worse is that she doesn't have a job so she stays at home and has nothing but time to sit and think about this. We are currently trying to get her out of the house (job) so that it might take her mind off of things for awhile throughout the day. It breaks my heart to listen to someone tell her that they are pregnant and how happy they are. Has anyone here had problems like this or tried getting pregnant for 9+ years? How did you cope with this? Knowing that we both can have kids makes it even harder for me and knowing that she could be the mom she dreams of if she was with someone else, should i stay, should i leave. I don't know what to do or how to make her feel better and it kills me.


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## nachopenguin (Apr 27, 2012)

Maybe she could find something to occupy her time until she finds work? Volunteering at a pet shelter or with a charity might be rewarding for her. Do you work? Does your job offer health insurance? Many times insurance will cover most, if not all, of the fertility related expenses.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I think you are wise to encourage her to work. My wife worked until she was 6 months pregnant with the first child. I think too much idle time is never a good thing, so either she needs to work or get involved in something to help others.

So I gather from your post that you feel that you are the cause of the infertility? I'm confused because you said that the doctor's couldn't find anything with either of you. If that's the case you seem to be willing to let the marriage go w/o guarantee that she will be able to get pregnant with another man. That doesn't seem like it would help anyone or anything.

Have you considered adopting from overseas? I know a number of families at my church who have (and it's a small church). They adopted most of their children from Russia or other nations formally in the USSR (e.g. Ukraine, Belarus, etc.). If you are worried about the baby "looking" like it's yours (which some people seem to care about), there are nations around the globe with more babies than parents.

If you do go overseas, seriously get a very very reputable international adoption agency. There are some that try and scam people, or work with organizations that do scam people (disreputable agencies in foreign countries).

Just a thought, if she worked for a year or two you might be able to save up for the adoption cost (or other solution).


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## used2be (May 1, 2012)

Yes i have health ins, no they do not cover fertility cost, i have considered adoption but it just doesn't feel right, doctors say there is nothing wrong with me or her we just are not getting pregnant and the only excuse they have is that her body might, and might is the key word here, be fighting my sperm they dont know we have been through 5 doctors and everyone puts her on different meds, but no luck.
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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

used2be said:


> Has anyone here had problems like this or tried getting pregnant for 9+ years? How did you cope with this? Knowing that we both can have kids makes it even harder for me and knowing that she could be the mom she dreams of if she was with someone else, should i stay, should i leave. I don't know what to do or how to make her feel better and it kills me.


The way you end your post sounds as though you feel it is your issue ... but you say earlier in your post you both have been checked out & they can find nothing wrong. What all tests have you had?

Sperm count, Hysterosalpingogram , The Post Coital Test ,  Laparoscopy?


Me & my husband had Secondary Infertility, we tried for 6 & a half yrs with no success. I wanted to stomp on everyone who was telling me to relax. Went through all of those tests, also tried clomid for 6 months, towards the end I was scheduled for an Invitro attempt -but got pregnant that cycle. 2 yrs before that a Laparoscopy discovered adhesions were binding up my tubes (like a kink), generally one gets pregnant quickly after that surgery, but I didn't & was loosing hope slowly. 

Knew another couple who tried for 10 yrs, the Doctors never found anything wrong with them, the did end up adopting from China (costing $15,000 about 13 yrs ago now....then a couple yrs later got pregnant on their own. 

I've come to the conclusion fertility makes little sense.

Her finding a hobby- even having a job during this time can hopefully help her take her mind of of these things, you are still pretty young- thankfully, you have time on your side. Call up your insurance company & see what they cover, I was really surprised with ours, they were going to cover the drugs for an Invitro attempt. 

I think it always helps to have a plan in your head, and work on it together, if money is needed, right now, throw yourselves into working & saving like mad- so if still nothing happens on it's own, you may be able to afford an attempt....or adoption. 

There is a group called Resolve....much valuable information at your fingertips, guidance.. RESOLVE : The National Infertility Association

At the bottom of the page, many informative links to click on....to help you both through this, also an Online community. Should be a Local chapters in your area also.

It is a very very difficult road, I am sorry for what you are going through.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I have known so many people who gave up on fertility treatments or TRYING to adopt or just take a break and ended up getting pregnant. The more a woman stresses the harder it is for her to get pregnant. It's a vicious cycle. I'm sorry. 
I have heard that there are people who get pregnant doing a regular yoga practice. You might research alternatives like eastern medicine, acupuncture, herbs, etc.
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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

OK simple questions, which I'm sure is likely pointless to ask... but I'll ask anyway.

Have you guys made sure to identify when she's ovulating in order to increase chance of pregnancy?

Did you save yourself for a day or two before trying to conceive during her ovulation so that your sperm count would be extra high?


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## used2be (May 1, 2012)

the doctors have cleared her felopin tube, dont know if i spelled that right, also tried clomid for 6 months then the doctor uped the dosage on the clomid and went for 3 more months, last doctor put her on metphormin, which is for diabetics but no luck with that, as for as me i have had a sperm analysis done, came back good. Got a book on ovolation and tested for that but never got a positive result from the at home test, i have held back during the weeks she is suppost to ovalate but nothing
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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

So there is a method to help pinpoint ovulation based on her temperature first thing in the morning. It's not 100% foolproof positive, but for my wife and I (and many many others) it has worked like a freaking champ.

Even though we aren't Catholic we took a small class from a local Catholic church on it. Mainly because we didn't want to say absolutely no to more children... but we weren't exactly sure we wanted more either. So we tracked her ovulations and avoided sex during certain parts of her cycle. Worked like a champ for us, and we used no form of birth control for years... oh and bear in mind my wife is fertile like the Nile river valley. Our first 2 kids came after only having intercourse 5 times (long story).

The flip opposite works as well, you can use it to increase the chance of fertility. All that's required is that your wife first thing in the morning take her temperature orally (preferably around the same time of day each day). The thermometer has to be accurate down to tenths of a degree. It's the slight fluctuations of temperature that help determine ovulation.

Temperature Method - Planned Parenthood

This isn't obviously the Catholic church's link... but that was years ago when we took the class.

Something to consider.


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## used2be (May 1, 2012)

In the fertility book that she bought it talked about the temprature thing and we tried that with no success, her temprature was the same everyday and when talking to a doctor she metioned that she gets up alot in the night and that because of her getting up throughout the night it would be hard if not impossible to get a good reading so we gave that up.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

used2be said:


> In the fertility book that she bought it talked about the temprature thing and we tried that with no success, her temprature was the same everyday and when talking to a doctor she metioned that she gets up alot in the night and that because of her getting up throughout the night it would be hard if not impossible to get a good reading so we gave that up.


Did you try different thermometers? When our first died, it took us a few attempts to find another that was sensitive enough.

Still you are right though that sleep issues might interfere with the results.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

We went 12 years before my wife got pregnant with our son. We went through (what I call) fertility stress. Like you, the doctors told us we were normal and it should happen. Well after years of stress and doctors, we gave up and resigned ourselves to be a childless/working couple. Finally the stress was off, and guess what happened? And we are not the only ones I know like that. 
Don't lose faith. Support her through this. Don't put any more pressure on the relationship by talking about leaving her. And most definitely get her out doing something to get her mind off it. A job would be great. My wife's job was a big help. 

Good luck


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## uzername (May 1, 2012)

I agree with others here that you and your wife should stop trying to get pregnant for a while - let go of that stress & just be with each other. It also sounds to me like your wife could use some counseling. Depression isn't something either of you should try to face alone. It would also get her out of the house once a week or so, and possibly help her figure out other ways to spend her time.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree that you need to take a break. Maybe say that you want to look more deeply into adoption and you want both of you to just make a decision that while you're researching it you are not going to try to conceive or take ovulation tests or pregnancy tests unless she misses a period. 
How often do you have sex?
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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

used2be said:


> the doctors have cleared her felopin tube, dont know if i spelled that right, also tried clomid for 6 months then the doctor uped the dosage on the clomid and went for 3 more months, last doctor put her on metphormin, which is for diabetics but no luck with that, as for as me i have had a sperm analysis done, came back good. Got a book on ovolation and tested for that but never got a positive result from the at home test, i have held back during the weeks she is suppost to ovalate but nothing
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, do you mean you 'held back' as in didn't have sex during the week she is supposed to ovulate? Because that's the opposite if what you should be doing. I may be misunderstanding though.

Are her periods regular? To give the best chance of conception, the woman's menstrual cycle should be between 28 and 35 days with day one being the first day of her period. If her cycles are very long or irregular she may not be ovulating at all. Although Clomid can kick start ovulation it also turns the cervical mucous acidic and hostile to sperm. There's a good book called Taking Charge of your Fertility that you can see here, http://www.tcoyf.com/. It shows how to identify fertile times in your cycle through watching for cervical mucous changes. Once you get the hang of it it's pretty easy.

I had very long cycles before we conceived my first daughter, but no obvious reason for it, according to the doctors I saw. I started seeing an acupuncturist and Chinese herbalist and brought my cycles from 80/120 days down to 35. My daughter was then conceived straight away. 

Is your wife a healthy weight? To much body fat stops ovulation, as well as too little. 

There's lots you can do. Start exploring other treatment options, such as acupuncture and naturopathy. And I agree with others, encourage her yo get a job and lay off the alcohol. That won't be doing her any good at all.
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## used2be (May 1, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Sorry, do you mean you 'held back' as in didn't have sex during the week she is supposed to ovulate? Because that's the opposite if what you should be doing. I may be misunderstanding though.
> 
> Are her periods regular? To give the best chance of conception, the woman's menstrual cycle should be between 28 and 35 days with day one being the first day of her period. If her cycles are very long or irregular she may not be ovulating at all. Although Clomid can kick start ovulation it also turns the cervical mucous acidic and hostile to sperm. There's a good book called Taking Charge of your Fertility that you can see here, http://www.tcoyf.com/. It shows how to identify fertile times in your cycle through watching for cervical mucous changes. Once you get the hang of it it's pretty easy.
> 
> ...


Taking charge of your fertility is the book she bought. And to clear up some stuff i try to build up my sperm for the week she is ovolating so that our chances are better. We watched a show last nite and it was talking about stress and high blood pressure being the cause of aome women not getting pregnant so i mentioned that maybe we should try and get her blood pressure down since we know that she has high blood pressure.
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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Those days when she is depressed is filled with silence and alcohol


*She needs to quit self-medicating with alcohol.* It's not doing her body (with or without a pregnancy) any good and may be fueling her depression.

*She needs to get a full-time job.* She needs to focus on something OTHER THAN potential pregnancy all the time. A job would (a) help lift her depression, (b) enable her to find a healthier way to cope than alcohol, (c) bring in additional money for in-vitro or adoption if you decide to go those routes. Have you checked into private-adoption attorneys? Some states have attorneys who specialize in placing newborns (mothers are usually single and very young.) It may cost more, but the waiting time may be shorter and they ONLY place newborns.

Worked with a woman who had tried, with her husband, for YEARS to become pregnant. They finally adopted a little boy. On the little boy's FIRST BIRTHDAY, she gave birth to their daughter. It happens.

The state you're wife is in now (depressed and drinking) is NEVER going to be conducive to becoming pregnant. At least with a job and other things to focus on, the chances of becoming pregnant have increased (as have the financial resources to explore additional options.)


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I agree that she need to stop the alcohol and needs to find a job.

The alcohol, in realtion to this.... 

Have you ever tried to look in to dietary changes. Ie- what foods would change the acidity levels in her secretions? I think the alcohol might have something also to do with that.. IF her ph balance is what is killing off the sperm???


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

I tried for 10 years to get pregnant. Changed my diet, took pills, etc. Doctors could find nothing wrong with me...no explanation.

I finally gave up and got together with a man that did not want kids. Less than 2 years later... BAM... pregnant. For some people, it just takes a LONG time for the planets to align to make a baby


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