# New one completely lost here.. :-(



## tufftimes (Feb 1, 2012)

Hi everyone,

Im completely new to this forum but have found myself in a situation im not sure how to deal with.

My husband (28) and I (25) will have been married 2 years in May, have been together 4 and know eachother 7. We have a 2 year old son together and own a house....

Well thats the stats now for the real problem. We decided last night after a year of being unhappy and going found in circles to trail a seperation. Im completely lost... I thought it was the right thing but im TERRIFIED. 

we bought out house a year ago and it was very stressful. We have spent a year renovating, whilst he worked mon-fri and me fri night, all sat and sunday. Over the last year we have tried marriage counselling with Relate but he wasnt willing to pay the fees...£45 a hour. Then though my church we went to marriage prep counselling to have support form qualified counsellers but neither of these have worked. We spend no time together, infact in the last year we have done maybe a handful of things togther as a family. With regards to my H and i we havent done anything.

Im so confused and upset but also somewhere relieved. Ive found after trying for a year ive given up. We have no intimacy and havent dont for a while. im a very affectionate person but my husband isnt and therefore wont be. I feel starved on any contact but now do not want to be touched. Considering over the last 3 years since fallening pregnant i calmed down and took on the role of mother  but in the last 3 months ive gone of the rails a little. Im going out each week drinking a lot, i do not want to be at home and therefore after i go to college i do not come home till late. Normally its the man that does this but ive found myself doing it. When we are in the house we snap and bicker. My husband points out things that havent been done in the house and Im so stubborn that i refuse to do them anymore without help.

IM SO CONFUSED and feel so lost. I do not want to eat, when i do its like swallowing carpet and im loosing weight. Im seeing the doctor on friday to see if im now depressed from trying for so long...

I feel i need some support from people who feel the same. I do not know anyone who has or is going through this so feel like i cant talk to anyone.

Love a very lonely MUM :-( xx


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

tufftimes said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Im completely new to this forum but have found myself in a situation im not sure how to deal with.
> 
> ...


Very sad to hear. 

I think getting checked for depression would be a good thing. From what you are writing, it seems like you and your husband have unintentionally created a dynamic where it is impossible for you to spend time together and maintain your bond. (For example, you are apart working every day of the week, and you are avoiding the situation at home by drinking and such...) It is no wonder you are drifting apart.

If it is true that you are "starved on any contact but now do not want to be touched.", it doesn't strike me that separating is a good move. You will only be starved for contact more because your family will no longer be around. And, you stand to lose your husband permanently.

Maybe it is better to figure out why you don't want to be touched, and/or why you don't want to be home. (Because I think deep down you do want to be touched and be in the comfort of home.) That sounds fixable and could give you a lot of happiness back. From what you wrote, I get the feeling your husband would do everything he could to support you feeling good being at home with him.

Best of luck.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

This doesn't sound much like a personality clash or incompatibility. None of you have done anything morally wrong from what you wrote.

Are you sure your coming home late is just that and you're not sliding into an affair? I just got a feeling that you might have skipped a few things there.

Your marriage is still young and very much workable. The financial obligations you have created for yourselves is damaging the bond between the two of you. Get out of it. A house, a car, education, luxuries and things like that are not worth losing your marriage. Shed them all if you have to and find happiness in the loving presence of your husband and your kid.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You might tell your husband that if you don't work together on strengthening you marriage then it won't be salvageable.You're already living like strangers in the same house with no common goals.
Your bickering is probably caused because though you both recognize the deterioration of your marriage,neither of you know what to do to stop it.Ask your husband why the cost of good MC is even an issue if he really wants your marriage to survive.
Sorry about your situation,but you can't make it work by force of will or staying out late.That's just avoidance.


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