# Memo of honesty



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

It's been a while since aug 2011 when my ex stopped believing and loving me and divorced me. I tried to tell her that I loved her more than she would ever imagine and to try and keep our promise of marriage but she didn't. I looked her in the eye and promised her that I would look at my faults and become a better man with her or without her. I know I have and yet know I still have to change a few things and I am doing so. I have tried dating a few times but It never fills my soul. 
I still have mixed feelings somedays. 
They range from I'm glad she told me she doesn't love me than for me to live a lie 
To how can she just give up on me like if I'm worthless. 20 years of faithfulness , wasn't my love enough to touch her soul when her mother died. Or my tears of sadness when my mother past away on that late night . Sorry if I couldn't be my joyful self on those moments but I had pain in my heart. 

I tried to rationalize it by saying you can't make someone love you it's not her fault. But a friend told me it is her fault cause she let it happen. She allowed herself to fall out of love without telling me.

I feel so lonely somedays an others I enjoy my company. Some days it feels so cold at night other days .

I do ok until I really sit and think and my eyes water. To be with one person for 20 years from 14-35 is all I've ever known. 

I hope one day I can just stop loving the memory of who she was. 

Still not sure how people just divorce like nothing. Smh .

Kinda scared to open up again. I always knew my love was faithful just have to one day realize i did all I could and try to find love again. Although I truly doubt it will be easy 

Oh gee ladies (her nickname ) how you chattered my heart you'll never know 
I wish you happiness and may you never feel the pain of not being loved by the one you love. Saddest feeling in the world not to be loves.

But I do love me  and that's a start
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Wow... I can totally and completely relate to everything you said in this post. Our situations sound uncannily alike. I love my ex more than she will ever be able to comprehend.

My opinion about love, or at least "true love" is this... once you find that person and you are truly and madly in love with them, it does not cease. They can do the most hateful things in the world to you, and although it hurts, you forgive them and seek to move past it, together. It's an undying passion. That is the way I feel about my ex.

Is she the same person she was when I married her, physically yes, but assuredly, she changed... we both did. But love is about adapting, it's about managing change.

I am incredibly happy that you love yourself. That is what I needed to learn to do after my divorce late last year. I tried dating only once since then, but my heart simply is not in it. I hope that some day it will be, because she did not have a hard time moving on.

You said: "I hope one day I can just stop loving the memory of who she was." I have to continually remind myself of this. At one point, she clearly did love you and in your eyes, she was perfect for you. The problem, as I alluded to earlier is that there are people who think they are in love, but let life derail them. Then, there are those like you and I that will continue to love long after the final divorce decree...

Stay strong, my friend. Cherish the memories, for you were not the one who was living a lie, and therefore, have no regret for what's transpired.

You can feel free to message me at ANY time if you need to talk anything out. I am sure I can relate to much of what you have felt or will feel. Take care of yourself.

~ Canaan


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Clawed said:


> Wow... I can totally and completely relate to everything you said in this post. Our situations sound uncannily alike. I love my ex more than she will ever be able to comprehend.
> 
> My opinion about love, or at least "true love" is this... once you find that person and you are truly and madly in love with them, it does not cease. They can do the most hateful things in the world to you, and although it hurts, you forgive them and seek to move past it, together. It's an undying passion. That is the way I feel about my ex.
> 
> ...


Its still tough. I try not to think about it. It's been 3 years and in a split second all the pain comes back if I think of the memories
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

ferndog said:


> Its still tough. I try not to think about it. It's been 3 years and in a split second all the pain comes back if I think of the memories
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course it is... there are some people that get divorced and it's an amicable situation. Other times, there is anger and hatred on both sides. And then there are those of us that loved so deeply, it really seems it cannot be undone. I'm right there with you, I know what it feels like and I hate that anyone else has to know that pain.


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Clawed said:


> Of course it is... there are some people that get divorced and it's an amicable situation. Other times, there is anger and hatred on both sides. And then there are those of us that loved so deeply, it really seems it cannot be undone. I'm right there with you, I know what it feels like and I hate that anyone else has to know that pain.


Many times at night (not as often now but it even happened Monday) I can't sleep if I start thinking of her. I cry and think of why us . I thought love was true. And I always get relief and calm when I tell GOD "I love her and wish her the best, I just want to be happy. Alone or with someone doesn't matter. I just want to be happy."

There are many factors and of course I had faults. I never ran from them and still work on myself. Instead of negativity I find and do positive things with my time. I guess what hurts is that she stopped believing in me and the way she told me. She said "if you love me you'll go to your dads house for two weeks well be ok babe I promise" then I get an email that night after 20 years. 

Many day it's the "walk away wife syndrome" 

Well when she left me I had my AA now I have a BS an my credential to teach and earning my masters 

I looked her in the eyes and said "G don't divorce me beautiful, I love you and I promise you that with you or without you I will better myself and I will be that man I always wanted to be, I will make you proud I promise" her response "I don't believe you. I cried cause I knew she was mistaken.

I love her so much that I hope she never realizes I became that man. It would hurt me deeply if she ever regretted her decision . 

Anything you would like to share about your story?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

ferndog said:


> Many times at night (not as often now but it even happened Monday) I can't sleep if I start thinking of her. I cry and think of why us . I thought love was true. And I always get relief and calm when I tell GOD "I love her and wish her the best, I just want to be happy. Alone or with someone doesn't matter. I just want to be happy."
> 
> There are many factors and of course I had faults. I never ran from them and still work on myself. Instead of negativity I find and do positive things with my time. I guess what hurts is that she stopped believing in me and the way she told me. She said "if you love me you'll go to your dads house for two weeks well be ok babe I promise" then I get an email that night after 20 years.
> 
> ...


Well, the more you speak of your story, the less I feel alone in what I have been through.

I cry for my wife and the life that I once had with her. I feel deeply saddened that we met so young and fell in love (I was 17, she was 15) and I was naïve enough to truly believe what we had was eternal. I thanked God every day for her. I did not think this was even a possible outcome.

I learned that after 15 years with her, she cheated on me. I was so wrapped up in her that I literally broke down emotionally. I was so devastated... the more she revealed of the affair over several weeks, the more I contemplated suicide, until the reality was that if I did not check myself into a mental health facility, I might have pulled it off... and when I did, she left and took our son with. She gave me a lot of false hope, stating that she just wanted to get our son through the remaining 5 weeks of school. But, she later revealed she had no such intentions of coming back.

I loved her more than anything. As I sit here and think about the wonderful times we had, it feels like a dagger to my chest. I don't understand how we could end up being just another statistic. Two days before she left me, she said "I feel us growing stronger and closer to each other every day, I will love you forever." How crazy is that? I have letters, texts, gifts, so many memories and examples of her love for me... and my perception of our love was shattered, literally overnight.

I have become a better man in almost all areas because I took a hard look at myself and saw so many things that could be better - I wanted to become the man I always thought I would have been for her all along. The truth is that I was far from perfect, but the one thing that never wavered was my love for her.

I see her all the time because we have to exchange our son. I honestly do not know how I remain silent when I see her. I have so much love for her even though she is very bitter toward me still. How could someone who loved me so much turn their back on everything?

Well, the one thing I can say for sure is that my son and I have never had a better relationship. He is a great kid and we spend a lot of quality time together. I coach his soccer team, I devote time to helping him with school work and I enjoy the things he enjoys simply because it's more time spent with him. I guess the split has allowed me to love my son in a much more meaningful way now that I don't have her to give my affection to.

For some reason I have even started to grapple with the idea that I should have done more. When she moved out, when she served me with divorce papers, I should have fought instead of taking the attitude of "what is the use, if one of us wants a divorce, there is nothing I can do." I feel like I just rolled over and died...

You are obviously doing great outside of your past relationship with her. You have bettered yourself and you have proven that you could live up to your word. Think about it: you lived up to your final words just as you lived up to your vows. It's an honorable and exceptional thing. I respect the hell out of you for that. When I said my vows, I meant every last word. I was far from perfect, but I tried. My final act before she left was one of surrender and letting go of who I was so I could be better for her and my son. She chose to bail instead of giving me the chance to prove myself.

wow, sorry, I probably went on too much...


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Wow. Yeah that's funny you say she's bitter. I do not see my ex but in our final conversations (one was over a year ago) she showed bitterness towards me. I know she wanted more affection and I told her that I was sorry but I had slipped into depression without even knowing. She must have thought that was an excuse and in reality it was not. I was a zombie for about 4 years. Faithful but absent . Her gone and time to think alone have me the opportunity to work out my issues which I can honestly say I am no longer depressed. I never miss work , got closer to family, more open about my feelings. I truly believe deep down in my heart of she ever knew the story's my heart had to tell she would realize it was just a lack of communication.

On June 12th 2014 it would have been our 10th year anniversary. I wrestle with the thought of sending her flowers and a letter expressing everything she has ever meant to me. In a way I think it would be good so I will not have any regrets. And in another way I feel it might hurt her or myself . Well today I do not want to think about her and its past my bedtime so ill stop here.

I'm here too if u need anything. Hope your son is doing well also. And I do feel that it's never too late to better ourselves. It takes time, honesty , and hard work to become a better person. I think that's why many say they will but don't. It's easier to pick up bad habits rather than good ones in heartaches but I had to change an do better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Yeah, she is bitter... I don't understand that part. In marriage, we barely even fought. We were always laughing together, she had the same stupid sense of humor as I did, and I felt like she was the only one who truly got me.

I simply don't click with anyone I ever meet like I did her. I believe she is my soulmate... and what do you do? I can't make her love me. I wouldn't want it that way anyway. I'm guessing you feel the same? Which is why it's really not even fun to date. The bond you form after 15-20 years is so intense that starting over seems like a lot of work.

Well, my ten years came and passed in January. I thought about it too, but it's a tough one. If she has moved on, I wouldn't want you to be extremely hurt if she is completely put off by it. That was my fear. I knew in my heart it wouldn't be well received, and she and her family would probably think I was crazy... but there is definitely something to say about living without regret.

Hey, you said that you were depressed. Did you seek counseling or were you taking meds for it? Was it one of the major reasons for her leaving?


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

There's always factors. So her moms death. Affected me. Also we were never alone. Lots of friends and family always over so I started being by the computer alone more and more. I never even knew I was depressed . When my mother died I never really even react to that. 
One day towards the end of our marriage my ex started to question me of why don't I love her and out of nowhere I said "it's not you, I don't love myself" and I began crying like a baby. I had finally realized I needed help. And I guess that's when she realized she didn't love me because now that I think about it. She walked out the room and left me there crying. 

I don't want to ever fall on those black days again. I guess that's why I refuse to date till I'm truly aware of myself worth. 

I do understand what you mean about showing love to someone else because you need to express your feelings. I do not have any children so I sometimes feel all alone . All my friends are married so I try not to bother them much. We do stuff sometimes like going to eat, taking out the boat etc but I do not like being the third wheel .

My best friends wife began to cry saying "I lost my friend (meaning my ex)" but she now talks to her. Which hurts me a little cause I really don't have anyone that understands me. She said she lost a friend . I guess she didn't realize I lost the love of my life . 

If all this comes out out of order sorry I just let my mind wonder. Self therapy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

