# Could you forgive these things?



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

Ok guys, I'm still stuck on what to do with my situation and hate being in limbo...
*Married in May 2009 at age 22.
*Had baby in June 2010.
*He abandoned me 3x in the course of the marriage. 
-The 1st time I was pregnant and it was planned and he decided a few months later that I should get an A******N. Kicked me out of our place, I had no job. Was cruel remainder of the pregnancy. Not supportive. Did not care about the well-being of either the baby nor I as I told him we had to keep the stress level down and he continued to tell me how much he hated me, that I was 'coo-coo' because of my anxiety, and that he was really done with me on Valentines day when I was pregnant with his child, just trying to intentionally hurt me. Showed up late to the baby care class and said 'if the baby turns blue you call 911, I know what to do,' then he left early (I was so embarrassed I was the only one with no support and he came late then left early). He threw an empty plastic bottled water at me across the room and threw a bunch of cushions at me while pregnant. He had anger problems and is very strong. He also said I don't need to be here for you, just the baby. He told me he would take the baby away from me. Just a cruel person.
-The 2nd time we were saving money living w parents and he decided to move out one day into a 1 BDRM apartment. He said, 'give me a BJ and maybe I won't go', I did, then he left anyways. A few days later he busted his lip after falling on a table when he was drunk w his friends, begging for me back.
-The 3rd time he told me to get out of his house. It is his money. he doesnt love me. He doesnt have to feed me. He was interested in finding his own happiness (some other girl). He would make comments about me and my appearance just to be mean. He had once poked me in the butt while I lay resting on the couch and that caused my leg to come out by reflex and it hit him in the jaw, as he was sitting by the couch. So he intentionally punched me in the hip, badly bruising it, he is double my weight. Another time he came up behind me and pounced on my back, like tackling me like a quarterback would, so by reflex i grabbed tightly as it gave me whiplash and I didn't see it coming and he then said "OUCH!" as I guess my nails hurt him so he swept my legs out from under me and it hurt so bad I thought my leg was injured as I fell. 
He has called me names 'stupid skank' and other things I could go on and on. The name calling and the 2 incidents were not while my daughter was home, but still it is so horrible. 



After the 3rd time, we agreed on divorce and to see other people. I met a guy who I love very much, then my husband came around and I got back with my husband again. My husband is now almost perfect, towards my daughter and I, FINALLY. It has been since January now. This is what I always wanted from him. BUT, I realize now that I am not in love with my husband anymore and I don't know if I can stay, even if he continues on the nice path. I think about the other guy I met and how healthy that felt. I cannot get over the past torture my husband inflicted upon me. 

Now I feel so bad leaving him as maybe he has matured and has it right, but I feel like I deserve to be loved all through the marriage and never damaged that way.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are right that you deserved to not be hurt the way he hurt you. He was truly a cad.

But you now need to deal with the reality of your situation.

If you are going to stay with him then you need to do what you can to make it work. You need to find a way to forgive him for what he did in the past and to put your whole heart into your marriage. The caveat is that you do this only as long as he continues to be a better man. If he reverts to his prior mistreatment of you, you leave and never give him another chance.

If you cannot forgive the past, then you need to leave him and file for divorce. This means that you need to get a job to support yourself and your child. You will get child support but most likely not spousal support.

It might be best if you were to get a job either way. This will give you a feeling of more independence. Then you can decide which way you want to go.


----------



## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Normally, I tell people to stay together, despite what is going on in the marriage. But his treatment of you has left me speechless. I doubt I could have taken him back in the same situation. What a truly disgusting and horrendous person he was.

First, ask him what it was that made him decide to change. If he says he wanted to be better for you and his daughter then stay. If he shows any signs of the abuse again, leave and immediately enter IC. 

I'm sorry, that just sounds so awful and I don't know how you took him back again. But if you can forgive him and make it work then great. I hope it works out.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

No, but I wouldn't have taken him back. You did. If you don't love him get, rid of him. He's certainly done nothing to deserve anything. Besides, fool me one shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. It's all on you now, you know who he is. He probably wanted you back because things didn't work out with his girlfriend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

Control, anger and threats she never be in a marriage. 

Another way to look at it: Are the the qualities you would want your kids to model in their marriage?


----------



## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

This is a very unhealthy relationship. Even if you think you have fixed it because he has "matured", who is to say he won't slip back into his old habits. If I were you, I wouldn't trust him, and with that behavior, I definitely wouldn't trust him around my kid!

I think you should leave him. You shouldn't feel guilty. He did this to himself. Too little, too late. Move on.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Forgiving someone does not equal staying in a relationship with that person. It means that you will not seek revenge against them and that you will move on from what they did to hurt you. It does not mean that you have to stay in a relationship with that person and it doesn't mean that you cannot seek justice.
What is he actively doing to make up for the horrible way he has treated you? Has he simply changed is ways without working towards healing for you? What caused him to change?


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

We have done counseling, but it hasn't ever brought back any deep, passionate feelings for me. His 'change' is taking care of our daughter more actively (before he would have me do everything, diapers, bathing, ect.), now he wants to be with us (before he would always find a reason to leave and go be with his friends. Even on the weekends my daughter and I would do things and he told me he didn't want to go because he didn't like me). He now calls to check on us during the week and caters to us and treats us well. I feel like I can forgive as a friend, we have fun together, but I don't feel deep love towards him like I can't wait to get into bed to cuddle him at night...
I had a talk with him tonight and communicated and he got upset. I felt sad that he was sad. Last year he would make me cry and almost laugh and smile like he got a rise out of it. He could just make me sad and just kick me out of the bed and fall asleep at night like it didn't even affect him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DifficultDays said:


> We have done counseling, but it hasn't ever brought back any deep, passionate feelings for me. His 'change' is taking care of our daughter more actively (before he would have me do everything, diapers, bathing, ect.), now he wants to be with us (before he would always find a reason to leave and go be with his friends. Even on the weekends my daughter and I would do things and he told me he didn't want to go because he didn't like me). He now calls to check on us during the week and caters to us and treats us well. I feel like I can forgive as a friend, we have fun together, but I don't feel deep love towards him like I can't wait to get into bed to cuddle him at night...
> 
> I had a talk with him tonight and communicated and he got upset. I felt sad that he was sad. Last year he would make me cry and almost laugh and smile like he got a rise out of it. He could just make me sad and just kick me out of the bed and fall asleep at night like it didn't even affect him.


I'm confused. Do you and your daughter live with him now? If so, how long have you been living with him?

Were you living with him last year when he would kick you out of bed?


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm confused. Do you and your daughter live with him now? If so, how long have you been living with him?
> 
> Were you living with him last year when he would kick you out of bed?


I lived w him in apartment when pregnant, then he kicked me out and I lived with parents, we got back together then we got an apartment and after that then we moved back to my parents to save up and he left us for his own place he moved into, got back together 3rd time we were in a house and he kicked me out and also out of bed at this time, then back to parents again. So he got a new house and I moved in w him four months ago. My daughter is always living w me throughout this.

I would always be cold in bed and he didn't care and didn't want my 'bony' ankles touching him or cuddling him so I got out of the room and slept w daughter.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What do you have to do to move out? Can you go back with your parents?

I think that here is way too much hurt. He's really not treating your very well.


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What do you have to do to move out? Can you go back with your parents?
> 
> I think that here is way too much hurt. He's really not treating your very well.


I could go back to my parents. Also, the guy I dated during the last separation is still waiting for me and wants to take care of me. But, I know I would go to my parents first and transition to wherever afterwards. I was laid off and am receiving unemployment. And the state I love in, I would get spousal support. It makes it hard because my husband is being really great this time around, but I don't know how long it will last and I've lost the love for him because of all of the terrible things that happened to me in the past because of him being a psychopath.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would leave him, honey. The trust is not there. I would go with the new guy.

A woman's trust is fragile and easily broken. You are right to worry it could all come crashing down again.

Is he doing anything to talk with you, to hear your heart? Or is it just actions?


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I would leave him, but I would also recommend you think twice about getting into another relationship now. You need some time on your own. Get into IC and try to figure out why you would tolerate such abuse. Focus on you and your daughter.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DifficultDays said:


> I could go back to my parents. Also, the guy I dated during the last separation is still waiting for me and wants to take care of me. But, I know I would go to my parents first and transition to wherever afterwards. I was laid off and am receiving unemployment. And the state I love in, I would get spousal support. It makes it hard because my husband is being really great this time around, but I don't know how long it will last and I've lost the love for him because of all of the terrible things that happened to me in the past because of him being a psychopath.


See an attorney to get things set up for divorce. Then move out.

You do not trust him and have no reason to. It would take years for him to prove that he can be trusted. His treatment of you is horrible. Few people could get beyond that. There is no reason for you to push yourself to trust him.

One thing that keeps coming to mind is that your gut/intuition might be telling you to not trust him for a very good reason. You might be picking up on a very real undercurrent.

Your husband seems to be more interested in a relationship with your daughter. He might have seen an attorney who advised him to re-establish himself as an involved father. That way he can get 50/50 custody and reduce the amount of child support he would have to pay. This could be why he's being nice. But his heart is not really into fixing the marriage. This lack of "heart" might very well be what you are picking up on.

I really think that you need to move out to your parents. Work with an attorney on how to do this so that it minimizes his chance of 50/50 custody. This is not a man who should have his daughter 50% of the time.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

DifficultDays said:


> I could go back to my parents. Also, the guy I dated during the last separation is still waiting for me and wants to take care of me. But, I know I would go to my parents first and transition to wherever afterwards. I was laid off and am receiving unemployment. And the state I love in, I would get spousal support. It makes it hard because *my husband is being really great this time around, but I don't know how long it will last *and I've lost the love for him because of all of the terrible things that happened to me in the past because of him being a psychopath.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I like the suggestion of you asking him/talking with him on how he was able to make such a radical change. see bolded above....was he ever "great" in the past? e.g. at the beginning of the relationship. i.e. did he go from great to horrible and now back to great?

it sounds like the guy you dated is much healthier, mentally, than your husband. Were you perhaps better able to appreciate how disturbed your husband is by exposure to a man that is not disturbed??

from what you have described here, your husband has not become great, rather he is putting on a great act IMO.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

The question is, why would you ever take this man back? You need some counseling to explore this question. A normal, healthy person would never even consider it. You have seen his true colors, what would make you want to be in a relationship with someone that treats you like this?

Please do not get into another relationship, you need to fix yourself first before you bring someone else into your life.


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

COguy said:


> The question is, why would you ever take this man back? You need some counseling to explore this question. A normal, healthy person would never even consider it. You have seen his true colors, what would make you want to be in a relationship with someone that treats you like this?
> 
> Please do not get into another relationship, you need to fix yourself first before you bring someone else into your life.


The answer to this is that I've always been worried to leave my daughter with him. I do have anxiety and that makes it worse. She is the world to me and even thinking about having to spend time without her while she is with him hurts. Also, my mom and grandma put up with their husbands. I'm trying now to break from the cycle. I know how it sounds terrible I would even get back with him all of these times. My husband damaged me and I think I'm scared of him as he had always been a bully. It is hard to understand when you haven't been in my situation. I do think back and wonder what I was thinking by going back and I need to be stronger and face reality instead of delaying it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Us boys, at an young age.....we are just completely blind and stupid. Our actions match all of the above.

Guess how I know? I was there, just like your husband.

At first I wanted a child with my girl (at the time)......even though we were young and not even CLOSE to ready. Then when it was confirmed, entire family wanted abortion, and I changed my mind and pushed for it as well.

THANK GOD my wife didn't listen to me. If she did, I have no clue where I would be in life today, cause my daughter birth/life has changed me AND some. 

Have I abandoned her in the past? You bet your ass I have, but in time I realized what really mattered in life and came back around.

I have also done more damage as well (on par with your husband...that I'm deeply ashamed off), and I know it's not an excuse but age and lack of father role had a HUGE play on that. Add alcohol....it's a dangerous mix.

Thank GOD my wife decided to stick it out with me, she really shouldn't have at the time, and EVERYONE and their mother would probably tell her to leave me as well. Mind you, I had to prove myself to her and show her that I am a great husband and a father......but it took her leap of faith and time to do so.

Now? My wife will probably tell you that I'm "the most amazing man/father out there".

Has she forgot about the damage I have done? No, I'm sure it comes up in her mind here and there. 

Has she ever lost love for me though? I don't believe so (not that I know of anyways).

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that we ALL make mistakes, especially at an young age when we are completely blinded by complete BS. If your husband made mistakes, that's fine, as long as he learned FROM those mistakes in time. 

To be honest, you guys are still fairly young (26?), if your husband is already showing you signs of improvement and have taken steps to learn....these are ALL great signs IMO.

NOW, please do NOT think I'm the rule. I'm an exception to the rule (I tend to think that anyways)........you will have to find out for yourself if your husband can improve like me (and from sound of things, it seems like it's happening past 7 months).

Now onto the love thing, this is where my advice runs out. If you love him, you love him, if you don't, you don't. This is one wall that NOTHING can overcome. 

I would also tell you not to go back/or expect the other guy to take you back.......you will have to start from scratch.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

DifficultDays said:


> The answer to this is that I've always been worried to leave my daughter with him. I do have anxiety and that makes it worse. She is the world to me and even thinking about having to spend time without her while she is with him hurts. Also, my mom and grandma put up with their husbands. I'm trying now to break from the cycle. I know how it sounds terrible I would even get back with him all of these times. My husband damaged me and I think I'm scared of him as he had always been a bully. It is hard to understand when you haven't been in my situation. I do think back and wonder what I was thinking by going back and I need to be stronger and face reality instead of delaying it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, doesn't compute. You're afraid to leave your daughter alone with him, so you stay with him for 18 years? You're thinking like a beaten puppy. Knock that sh*t off. If your husband really warrants fear of being with your daughter alone, you have actions you can take to stop it. But forcing yourself into a situation where he will be around permanently is a much worse punishment, and you are accepting it for yourself and daughter willingly.

You aren't a silent hero by being emotionally abused, a hero would get out of the bad situation and do everything in their power to make a better life for themself and their child.

Get counseling, and stop making decisions based on fear, because they are always the wrong ones. Make decisions based on hope and love.


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> I like the suggestion of you asking him/talking with him on how he was able to make such a radical change. see bolded above....was he ever "great" in the past? e.g. at the beginning of the relationship. i.e. did he go from great to horrible and now back to great?
> 
> it sounds like the guy you dated is much healthier, mentally, than your husband. Were you perhaps better able to appreciate how disturbed your husband is by exposure to a man that is not disturbed??
> 
> from what you have described here, your husband has not become great, rather he is putting on a great act IMO.


During the time we dated from 19-22, he was VERY nice to me. He would do anything and everything for me. Once we got married he flipped. I couldn't believe the things he was capable of. It has now made me have abandonment issues and I worry if people are really who they lead me to believe they are since he made a huge change I was so confused. Before him I had met a bunch of jerks when I was younger and so when he came along I thought this guy was so great. I was young and just didnt know enough about life to marry. You hit the nail on the head with your comment about my disturbed husband..The exposure to normal men puts it all into perspective for me. I'm 27 and have to get on track now. His emotional instability in the past is just terrible and I feel bitter and resentment towards him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

DifficultDays said:


> During the time we dated from 19-22, he was VERY nice to me. He would do anything and everything for me. *Once we got married he flipped.* I couldn't believe the things he was capable of. It has now made me have abandonment issues and I worry if people are really who they lead me to believe they are since he made a huge change I was so confused. Before him I had met a bunch of jerks when I was younger and so when he came along I thought this guy was so great. I was young and just didnt know enough about life to marry. You hit the nail on the head with your comment about my disturbed husband..The exposure to normal men puts it all into perspective for me. I'm 27 and have to get on track now. His emotional instability in the past is just terrible and I feel bitter and resentment towards him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He will flip again. He is on his best behavior right now, manipulating you by being nice. I can understand your resentment.


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

jld said:


> I would leave him, honey. The trust is not there. I would go with the new guy.
> 
> A woman's trust is fragile and easily broken. You are right to worry it could all come crashing down again.
> 
> Is he doing anything to talk with you, to hear your heart? Or is it just actions?


He does listen to me..but sometimes his response will be "that was a year ago, I've been showing I changed since January" or "that was 5 years ago", etc. he acts like months of him 'changing' is like good enough or something. He says he is so sorry and will not do anything to hurt me again, but it is like I just don't care anymore.

This is something I just remembered kinda off topic a little, He texted his father in november about how "he needs to get the divorce going to he can catch this girl" (referring to a girl he was seeing or what not). Then like a week later he starts texting and calling me saying he is sorry and needs to fix things. Kinda strange huh?! And then there was a text to this girl's friend as well. She was asking him if he was serious about her friend, Laura, as Laura would be breaking up with her bf for him and knowing he was still married. So he texted how he is so into Laura and this long message about how much he cares, and then that just ends and he wants me back? Those text messages about how deep he felt for her were just like the ones he sent to me...it makes me feel like be doesn't know what love is or how to really care about someone. The girl was the same girl he was seeing when he met me a long time ago. He told me that he broke it off with her this time...sounds all too strange... Maybe he did break it off or he did, but if he did, that just shows his words mean nothing if he made the girl feel like he wanted her and would be with her and then dumps her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Your instincts are right. I would leave him and go with the new guy. 

You seem very nice, OP. You deserve someone genuinely nice.


----------



## serialcheater (Jul 20, 2014)

I agree with some of what is said, but I'm one for chances.

The main thing said here that would make me personally tell you to leave is the fact that he's been violent towards you. I don't think after 8 years old I've ever been aggressive towards any girl. Ever. I teased this girl once in school and she stabbed me with a pencil and broke it off in my back - I didn't retaliate or hit her - or report her. I don't hit girls. I don't think any guy should ever hit a girl. Ever.

If his reasons for change are religious or any other group-related belief then I'd say give him a chance. Reason for this is that he has the entire group or community watching his behavior. If he has personal reasons for change then be wary as they could just be a cover.

It takes about 6 weeks to form a habit and as such I think you should make it a habit of doing the things you did when you first fell in love. If you form those habits over 6 weeks and keep at them then maybe you can love him again. 

If the new guy really loves you he will wait on you and respect your choice. Tell him - if you're that close to him - that you plan to give your husband a probation period of say..........3 months. If you see any of the bad things you know he does surface then leave and don't look back. If he has treated you so badly - broken up with you during pregnancy - hurt you - and then says he wants to change then maybe - just maybe - he has some realization that he needs to change his approach to certain things. Don't waste the time you had. However, don't suffer yourself or your child. If this new guy can make you happy and you can't see yourself enduring your husband for another 3 months then don't do it. Suggest counseling. Suggest an intermediary. Ask him if he things he was wrong for what he did and if he would apologize for it to put your mind at ease. Watch his actions and reactions.

I don't want you to make a bad choice, but that would be my suggestion. I hope that through it all you'll be fine and choose the path that puts your heart at rest and your mind at ease. And above all else - make you happy and give your child a positive environment to grow up in.


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Tough thing to hear, I'm sure, but you've been entirely lenient.

Best of luck with YOUR decision, but my opinion is that you should get the hell out of there as soon as you can - and STAY.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

The first thing he did that you listed would've been it for me. I might've been willing to maintain a friendship if he was civil for the sake of the child, but that would've been it. There wouldn't have been any 2nd chances. So as for forgiving the rest? He wouldn't have had a chance to do the rest anyway.

As for whether he can change. People don't make the sort of changes he would have to make in a few short months. He suddenly went from someone you consider a 'psychopath' into a loving husband and father? He was seriously into someone one minute then the next minute acted like she never existed? Now he's all about trying to make it work between you.... it sounds like an act to me. For what purpose I don't know, probably something financial. I would trust him as far as I could throw him.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I agree you don't want to go to the new guy. There is a good chance you would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Pretty much anything looks good when you're in the kind of situation you are in. If you go from being dependant on your husband to being dependant on this new guy you'll be just as powerless as you are now. 

I think you need to get control of your life first. Find work...or upgrade your skills while you are on unemployment so you can eventually find better paying work. Figure out how to care for yourself and your daughter. 

Only then should you consider looking for a relationship. That way the next relationship will be with someone you want to be with...not someone you need to be with.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

DifficultDays said:


> Ok guys, I'm still stuck on what to do with my situation and hate being in limbo...
> *Married in May 2009 at age 22.
> *Had baby in June 2010.
> *He abandoned me 3x in the course of the marriage.
> -The 1st time I was pregnant and it was planned and he decided a few months later that I should get an A******N. Kicked me out of our place, I had no job. Was cruel remainder of the pregnancy. Not supportive. Did not care about the well-being of either the baby nor I as I told him we had to keep the stress level down and he continued to tell me how much he hated me, that I was 'coo-coo' because of my anxiety, and that he was really done with me on Valentines day when I was pregnant with his child, just trying to intentionally hurt me. Showed up late to the baby care class and said 'if the baby turns blue you call 911, I know what to do,' then he left early


You can stop right here.

NO and get as far away from his as possible. If he WANTS to be a father to the child...so be it. Regardless, he still needs to support it, but he doesn't need to be involved.

As a father of 4 who has scraped and sacrificed to make sure his kids are taken care of, nothing is more infuriating (well I could think of a few things..but you get the point) than a father who doesn't care for his kids.


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

I get so upset because I saw a lawyer after the first event and after I had my daughter I went to file papers and even took a class in order to do it right and everything. Then, I completed the papers and was trying to turn them in w a few waiver and stood in line and they told me to come back after I made an extra copy. I never returned. Now I kick myself because Maybe I would be remarried by now to someone I love. I just always think back to that, and I know it doesn't really matter, but.. I went to the court house another time later in in these events, too.... My mom is not very helpful with it all because she is the type of person that would probably never leave and it is the same with her mom. My grandma got badly beaten up and just loved her husband." (That is hard for me to understand). So, I'm pretty much on my own with executing this whole thing and I feel like it is even more difficult now that he is being so nice. There is no problem, currently, as he does everything very well for my daughter and I, but the past has traumatized me so I can't forget and just be happy now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DifficultDays said:


> He does listen to me..but sometimes his response will be "that was a year ago, I've been showing I changed since January" or "that was 5 years ago", etc. he acts like months of him 'changing' is like good enough or something. He says he is so sorry and will not do anything to hurt me again, but it is like I just don't care anymore.
> 
> This is something I just remembered kinda off topic a little, He texted his father in november about how "he needs to get the divorce going to he can catch this girl" (referring to a girl he was seeing or what not). Then like a week later he starts texting and calling me saying he is sorry and needs to fix things. Kinda strange huh?! And then there was a text to this girl's friend as well. She was asking him if he was serious about her friend, Laura, as Laura would be breaking up with her bf for him and knowing he was still married. So he texted how he is so into Laura and this long message about how much he cares, and then that just ends and he wants me back? Those text messages about how deep he felt for her were just like the ones he sent to me...it makes me feel like be doesn't know what love is or how to really care about someone. The girl was the same girl he was seeing when he met me a long time ago. He told me that he broke it off with her this time...sounds all too strange... Maybe he did break it off or he did, but if he did, that just shows his words mean nothing if he made the girl feel like he wanted her and would be with her and then dumps her.


So what is this girl doing now? Who is she with now? 

This makes me think even more that what he is doing is just making his divorce case stronger.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you still have the divorce papers? If so just change the date, make 2 copies and go file them. Move out. this is not going to end well for you at all if you stay.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think you should allow/let him prove himself to you.

Think of EACH AND EVERY DAY as a test. Grade him and keep track of his behavior if you have to.

Bottom line is, you already lost the "good boyfriend" you had for good.....

And your husband is making improvements.I think you already decided to give him a chance, but just need time (and you SHOULD have doubts).

Define the timeline, how long do you think he should have to show you that he is good enough now? Do NOT share that with him, keep that to yourself. Keep his track record and see if he steps up. I would recommend waiting at least 2 years....but it's your call.

Again, I think it's a bit extreme for many members here to make him into physcopath etc etc. 

I was EXACTLY where your husband was when I was young and stupid. I turned out just fine and my wife is thankful it she stuck around. We have a great marriage now and 4 kids.

Let him prove it to you. And even if he does (in whatever timeline you have)......if you don't start to feel love for him again, you break it off and move on.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Well, I was just using the word because I read it in one of the OPs posts as a descriptive. As in, he went from what she considered a 'psychopath' into a 'nice guy'. Just pointing out I don't believe it.

Some things you might forgive, and personally I think you have forgiven him for everything because you are back with him, you are trying to make things work. 

The problem is you cannot FORGET. Nothing will ever be forgotten unless you decide to go get a lobotomy or something. His actions will always be recorded in your memory and every day they will have an effect on how you feel about him. What will these memories whisper to you? "He is not trustworthy". I think given years of him never doing anything to hurt you again, your good memories will outweigh the bad. How many years will this take? Probably just as many as it took for him to damage the relationship. If that was over a span of 5 years, I think it'll take him at least that long to repair it.

Problem is, how does a person suddenly "change"? That's what I don't believe here. I don't think he can keep it up. You could wait and see, love might grow over time, but protect yourself financially so if he suddenly reverts back to abusive jerk, you can be out that door in a flash.


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

All good advice. I appreciate it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

Does anyone have more advice for me? I'm still in the same spot. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

DifficultDays said:


> Does anyone have more advice for me? I'm still in the same spot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. Divorce him.


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

He has been doing everything right. But, still I find myself wanting a husband with whom I'm excited for and would want to jump into bed with and have sex with. I think if I stay it will just be sexless. I got married at 22. I had never had an actual orgasm until 23 ( I took meds for my anxiety, this is why). After I gave birth to our daughter I was no longer on these and first experienced an orgasm after this. So, I was never really able to experience much sexually before I married so young. We were separated for a while and decided to divorce and we could each date whoever. This was the first time I really was able to experience the kind of sex I'd been missing. And the guy I dated, was just so sincere. Just the look on his face made me melt. With my husband and all of the resentment I had toward him, I don't have that sort if twinkle. And I'm not referring to new puppy love with the other guy, I just was able to feel for someone who never hurt me so terribly, I was able to feel real love for him because he treated me nicely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yes, you are the only one who can fix your problems. Go back and read all the advice already offered.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

DifficultDays said:


> He has been doing everything right. But, still I find myself wanting a husband with whom I'm excited for and would want to jump into bed with and have sex with. I think if I stay it will just be sexless. I got married at 22. I had never had an actual orgasm until 23 ( I took meds for my anxiety, this is why). After I gave birth to our daughter I was no longer on these and first experienced an orgasm after this. So, I was never really able to experience much sexually before I married so young. We were separated for a while and decided to divorce and we could each date whoever. This was the first time I really was able to experience the kind of sex I'd been missing. And the guy I dated, was just so sincere. Just the look on his face made me melt. With my husband and all of the resentment I had toward him, I don't have that sort if twinkle. And I'm not referring to new puppy love with the other guy, I just was able to feel for someone who never hurt me so terribly, I was able to feel real love for him because he treated me nicely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you've seen the other side. And yet you keep yourself stuck in this misery instead.:scratchhead: Remember, if you change nothing, then nothing changes, and YOU are the only one responsible for your happiness.


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

I just feel like I don't know how. Does anyone with kids who has divorced have any advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

Ive only read first paragraph and you are crazy if you forgive has BIG problem


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You have no business dating or being in any relationship. You are not emotionally well enough to have a positive and healthy relationship.

You need to work out your issues before you jump from one man to another.

Your relationship now is toxic and you need to be out of it. Please go to counseling and explore why you are in these toxic relationships.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

You have gotten great advice here, DifficultDays.

Elegirls's tip about your H wanting 50/50 custody, so he doesn't have to pay full child support. That has the ring of truth to it, I'm afraid.

I agree with Breeze, too. You will NEVER forget the horrid things he has done. It is branded in your memories forever.

Look, you admitted that you want to break the cycle that your mom and grandmom were in, right? That is so great that you can see this. That's the first step.

"The body never lies". That's why it's not fun to just jump into bed with him. On a gut level, you're not attracted to him anymore. Why would you be?

And you're finding texts about another girl he's interested in. Come on, what more do you need?

I don't think you should be in a relationship either.

*"COguy	
Re: Could you forgive these things?
You have no business dating or being in any relationship. You are not emotionally well enough to have a positive and healthy relationship.

You need to work out your issues before you jump from one man to another.

Your relationship now is toxic and you need to be out of it. Please go to counseling and explore why you are in these toxic relationships."*

This is great advice^^^^^:iagree:

Focus on getting a job and getting custody of your child.

Best wishes.


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

I really don't think you guys are understanding the story. I probably didn't write it out all that well. He is doing great now. There are no texts from girls. He is not doing this for custody either. His brain doesn't work that way. Kind of insulted when you guys say I'm so messed up and I shouldn't be in a relationship. I never thought I was the problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

DifficultDays said:


> I really don't think you guys are understanding the story. I probably didn't write it out all that well. He is doing great now. There are no texts from girls. He is not doing this for custody either. His brain doesn't work that way. Kind of insulted when you guys say I'm so messed up and I shouldn't be in a relationship. I never thought I was the problem.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DifficultDays I have a feeling that you are fearing being a single mom but remember the final decision is up to you but you are still young and your soul mate is out there somewhere


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DifficultDays said:


> *1.**He abandoned me 3x in the course of the marriage.
> 
> *2.* Kicked me out of our place, Not supportive.
> 
> ...


Reading through these... Absolutely NO [email protected]#$ DO NOT GO BACK WITH THIS MAN.... it is not in your best interest...

He is an ANGRY dysfunctional alcoholic Abuser -causing physical harm who calls you the ugliest of names, shows how selfish he is by saying he wants his OWN Happiness & doesn't have to "feed you".. mentions other women.. and there's [email protected]#$%^

Whatever change of heart he had ..I would severely question it lasting ~ wouldn't believe it , sure people can change.. . but what proof !?... does he still drink ?? Does he suddenly now go to church and have a whole new set of friends too??

You see.. it was because he saw he was going to loose you.. (which he deserved by the way!).... Some have pushed the bar *too far* (emotionally /physically abusive)... they don't deserve to have a family..

I couldn't forgive things like this.. they are TOO UGLY.... it's representative of much deeper things... People can change but it's not generally over night... there needs to be concrete proof of a life RE-hauled.. new friends, new outlook... MUCH remorse.. 




> After the 3rd time, we agreed on divorce and to see other people. I met a guy who I love very much, then my husband came around and I got back with my husband again. My husband is now almost perfect, towards my daughter and I, FINALLY. It has been since January now. This is what I always wanted from him. BUT, I realize now that I am not in love with my husband anymore and I don't know if I can stay, even if he continues on the nice path. *I think about the other guy I met and how healthy that felt. I cannot get over the past torture my husband inflicted upon me. *
> 
> Now I feel so bad leaving him as maybe he has matured and has it right, but I feel like I deserve to be loved all through the marriage and never damaged that way.


 His actions require a lot more than just maturity ...he was a scoundrel !! Even an immature guy doesn't treat his girlfriend or wife carrying his baby like what you have described.. 

As others have said.. you need to concentrate on YOU... not be jumping in with someone else right now.. they all seem "good at first".. get yourself together.. so you can gauge what is GOOD for you.. also what you can bring to a man's life.... and not get sucked into falling for another abuser..


----------



## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

jld said:


> I would leave him, honey. The trust is not there. I would go with the new guy.
> 
> A woman's trust is fragile and easily broken. You are right to worry it could all come crashing down again.
> 
> Is he doing anything to talk with you, to hear your heart? Or is it just actions?


Can I just put my two cents worth in here about the new guy ,my advice is to take it gently and get to know HIM as first impressions are not always the right ones
How does he handle step children etc if you get another bad apple could scar one for life


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

DifficultDays said:


> I really don't think you guys are understanding the story. I probably didn't write it out all that well. He is doing great now. There are no texts from girls. He is not doing this for custody either. His brain doesn't work that way. Kind of insulted when you guys say I'm so messed up and I shouldn't be in a relationship. I never thought I was the problem.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's certainly understandable that from your perspective you aren't the one with the problems. The thing is though that a person with a healthy psyche wouldn't have stayed and certainly not returned after all that. I know it sounds terrible, but generally abusive people look for a person who will take the abuse, again and again.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

DifficultDays said:


> I really don't think you guys are understanding the story. I probably didn't write it out all that well. He is doing great now. There are no texts from girls. He is not doing this for custody either. His brain doesn't work that way. Kind of insulted when you guys say I'm so messed up and I shouldn't be in a relationship*. I never thought I was the problem.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's the problem.

No healthy person would ever have stayed in your relationship, let alone gone back to it. There is a 0% chance that your relationship will remain positive. You are in a honeymoon phase (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse). People don't go from abusive to non-abusive in one interaction. That kind of change takes monumental and continuous effort through counseling and small victories.

Likewise, you will not go from accepting an abusive relationship to a healthy one in one relationship. You will need a lot of counseling and therapy and single time before you have enough self-esteem and tools to ensure your emotional barometer is working correctly. At the current point, any relationship you will be in will be toxic, you are a magnet for abuse.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

DifficultDays said:


> . . . . .Also, my mom and grandma put up with their husbands. I'm trying now to break from the cycle. . . . . . I do think back and wonder what I was thinking by going back and I need to be stronger and face reality instead of delaying it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





DifficultDays said:


> . . . . Kind of insulted when you guys say I'm so messed up and I shouldn't be in a relationship. I never thought I was the problem.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




DifficultDays,

No-one here wants to hurt you. They are hoping you take the right steps toward being happy.

Your post that I quoted above; about breaking the cycle? You say that you wonder why you would go back? It's because you have "learned" (subconsciously) growing up in your family to attract and put up with abuse.

You are already aware of this. That is so positive.

No-one thinks you are "the problem" I say your H is the one with severe problems. His amazingly fast transformation is a bit weird; that's all.

If you go to IC, you can learn more about yourself;and in doing so, "learn" to attract good people. You already know you don't deserve bad treatment.

Wishing you all the best.


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

Thank you. The problem is this... I was laid off from my job and am staying home w our daughter. Finishing up last year of school. If I get a job now, it may be hard to find something to pay enough for me to get my own place. I have nowhere to go. My mom ruined my credit and I do not get along w her and my father together, they are dysfunctional and my mom tries to control my life, even when I am living elsewhere. Someone hit my car recently and it was totaled. I have no job and my mom opened accounts and used credit cards and there is so many bad marks on there, I wouldn't have even been able to get another car. I'm not sure if I should forget school and try to find a job, but it will be hard to make enough to get a place of my own here. I'm pretty dependent and I'm needing to change that. The people in my life have really hurt me badly so I don't really have anyone to turn to. I have been to therapy also.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

simplyamorous: He rarely drinks. If he does it is one or 2 drinks tops. He says he is so sorry, but I'm not quite sure. His brain seems to function strangely. He compared what I went through to the hard time of his car getting repo'ed on accident and he got it back the next day as they took it early and he had one more day to pay. I'm like, how does that come close to comparing? And how does buying me a car make up for any bit of what he put me through either? He thinks it does. 

I know I have problems because I'm here. But if it were just me, I would have been out of here at the first sign of any negative behavior. I feel scared for my daughter. When we were separated before he told me he wanted to take our 3 year old to his dads to ride on his tractor. He is not the smartest, neither is his family. That is so terribly dangerous. I know he will get custody and I will be a train wreck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

DifficultDays said:


> Thank you. The problem is this... I was laid off from my job and am staying home w our daughter. Finishing up last year of school. If I get a job now, it may be hard to find something to pay enough for me to get my own place. I have nowhere to go. My mom ruined my credit and I do not get along w her and my father together, they are dysfunctional and my mom tries to control my life, even when I am living elsewhere. Someone hit my car recently and it was totaled. I have no job and my mom opened accounts and used credit cards and there is so many bad marks on there, I wouldn't have even been able to get another car. I'm not sure if I should forget school and try to find a job, but it will be hard to make enough to get a place of my own here. I'm pretty dependent and I'm needing to change that. The people in my life have really hurt me badly so I don't really have anyone to turn to. I have been to therapy also.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly from your posts here it sounds like you enjoy playing the victim. Your situation sucks, but the only person that can change it is you. Many women have left worse situations with less support, less education, and less resources. If you want to leave, you can find a way. I also think it's silly that you use the threat of him getting custody as an excuse to stay.

For one, by not leaving, he de facto has 100% custody, which completely destroys your argument. Second, it is insanely difficult to get custody taken away from a mother in this country. Unless you are a drug addict or have a clinical mental illness, that's not going to happen.

From what you've said, you're staying with a man who's abusive because he supports you financially and you're too fearful to become independent....not a good lesson to be teaching your child.


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

I'm with her all of the time. By you saying he has her 100% is true and false. I'm always around and supervising. I know it sounds strange, but I guess if you haven't been in this position you don't really get it. I don't like playing the victim. I have a problem with taking action. I'm always putting problems off and not diving right in to fix them. I'm depressed, I don't like being where I'm at. I want true love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DifficultDays (Jan 22, 2014)

Please no debate CoGuy. Your responses make me feel worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Urope (Sep 9, 2014)

No, if it were me, I could not stand up with it.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Difficult Days,

In your area, is there a crisis center? You can look online, or even in a paper phone book for one.

These help lines can connect you to resources in your area for women living in difficult/dangerous domestic situations.

Help with daycare, legal aid, getting a job, financial aid for college. They could maybe help you explore your options.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Press charges against your mother and get your credit cleaned up.
It is a good thing to seek justice. That is not the same as revenge. It is reasonable for people to be held accountable for their actions.


----------

