# Reasonable to Request Open Communication & No Solo Partying?



## wantingadvice (Mar 30, 2012)

Looking for advice:

My wife loves me and my children, but from a philosophical standpoint wants an open marriage. I am unable to give her this. While suffering depression, she drank too much and cheated on me (one year ago). She remains committed to physical monogamy to keep our family together, but in desire for freedom, wants to spend lots of time away, doesn’t want to communicate about her activities or friendships, and won’t agree to generally save partying for our times together.

From my intimate knowledge of her, I have no doubt her *intention* is to remain physically faithful (let’s not spend time debating this in the thread). However, I am in agony over the combination of the refusal to communicate and the refusal to guard our relationship by saving partying for us to do together. After pushing her on these points, she has once again said we are over because it’s too difficult for her to have her freedom restricted.

Am I being unreasonable to request open communication about significant friendships and where time away is being spent? Even without infidelity, would this be unreasonable? Knowledge and the opportunity to discuss helps my anxious mind. What about partying (clubs, bars, house parties)? How do you and your spouse feel about these, without the other?

I believe in lifelong monogamous unified marriage. And I will not subject myself and my children to the pain of divorce and expose my children to the risks of her desired polyamorous lifestyle unless it’s absolutely, absolutely necessary. But I also feel like I can’t live with this current approach.

I’ve asked her to again go to marriage counseling with me. I don’t know what else to do.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Not unreasonable... However it doesn't seem like she's into the marriage. If she wants freedom then let her walk... You deserve someone who is going to honor and respect your needs as well...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

I'm in the exact same boat as wantingadvice. I still can't figure out how to get my wife to open communication. She would say it's her life, she'll do whatever she wants.

It's easy to get a divorce, but it's much harder to keep a marriage together, especially when only one person works on it. I don't see any other way to get out of this. For me, I'm just waiting it out. Waiting until the day I can't take it anymore and leave, forever.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Double Post


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

My spouse would walk out the door to his unknown party friends and return to changed locks and his bags out on the curb.

She's walking all over you.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

It really looks like you should've taken her cheating at face value even back then. She doesn't want a marriage. She wants an "arrangement". I think she's deluding herself by currently thinking that she'll get out of the emotional marriage without ultimately cheating again, and again. I like Candiegirl's approach, except you should tell her in advance that she is free to go out, but she just can't return. Don't treat this as if you are choosing to divorce. She broke the vows and committments that the two of you made, and what is broken is incredibly hard to unbreak. Now, she's choosing to keep walking away. You are only doing the paperwork.


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## pianist87 (Apr 2, 2012)

Absolutely reasonable. I am going through a very similar situation myself, I recently met some good friends at school and have been going out solo with them for some time now. I've never had any friends that were just mine, it's always been friends that my husband and I have shared. Now I realize my attraction to one of these friends, and combining this with alcohol might end up in disaster. 

Anyway, so I know where you're coming from because I am so similar to your wife. Although I haven't had an affair, if your wife continues to go out alone it's probably going to happen.


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## wantingadvice (Mar 30, 2012)

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts. Scione, I feel for you, I know the hopelessness of two impossible options.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry, I know you didn't want to debate the faithfulness issue in this thread but her requests of you amount to giving her the freedom to do whatever she wants. She just doesn't want you to know


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