# startling self reflection



## d8n0g (Nov 27, 2011)

My Wife wants a divorce-3 weeks fresh. In a nutshell I've been very closed off and told her whatever she wanted to hear for the duration of our marriage which is 9 years. She thought she had the problem. So, I've been begging her to stop with a divorce-I'll change. For some reason when she said she wanted a divorce I realized how much I had to lose. We have a newly adopted 3 year old daughter, whom we both agree is a gift and was chosen for us.

my initial thread is here:: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/35448-need-some-sound-advice.html

when I was 17 I formed a dependency to marijuana and acid, and became an addict. Went to a shelter for help and got clean literally-haven't touched a drug for for 12-13 years.
I was in the shower today and had a reflection of my lack of communication, and lack of intimacy, among other things through our marriage and realized that even though I'm clean-I still carry the behaviors. I've never cried so hard in my life, and literally felt a weight lifted off my chest. I thought I was going to vomit it hit me so hard, In the midst of losing my wife I've never had so many emotions and feelings, and I'm grateful for them. I am so ashamed for what I've done to her, and have put her through hell-I am probably feeling the same way she felt throughout. I haven't mentioned this discovery for many reasons, one being she needs actions!! We are still a family and are best friends-seriously.
That being said. She still wants a divorce. "if we get back together I want a clean slate and have the wedding I've always wanted. If not I'll probably never marry again"-her words. I have formed a relationship with God, who has always been there but I wanted a relationship with him/her on my terms.She (wife) can't promise reconciliation for reasons of not wanting to be in limbo. So, I give her her space, don't pry, don't ask her where she is going, and give her respect. When I pray I hear (not audibly) "work on yourself, work on yourself, but don't lose faith, it'll be taken care of". I made a vow to God to always serve my wife-she will always be my wife in my eyes-meaning to not be unfaithful, or date but to work on myself. I am now stuck with the fact that our lack of connection/intimacy, and not giving meaningful answers, not doing all the things that loving husbands should do is the result of unattended addictive behaviors:scratchhead:
Any thoughts on this or guidance would be great!


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I think you are very brave to recognize these behaviors. I have siblings who have struggled with addiction for over ten years. It is very painful for everyone involved. 

I would suggest you find a counselor who can help you overcome these behaviors. Also, I think you need to make sure you are doing this for yourself no matter what the outcome with your wife.

Also, please know that you are a worthy person who deserves to be happy. This is a sad time for you. That's OK. Allow yourself time to work through this. Be patient, but demanding with yourself.

I truly am wishing the best for you and your family. Good luck.


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## d8n0g (Nov 27, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> I think you are very brave to recognize these behaviors. I have siblings who have struggled with addiction for over ten years. It is very painful for everyone involved.
> 
> I would suggest you find a counselor who can help you overcome these behaviors. Also, I think you need to make sure you are doing this for yourself no matter what the outcome with your wife.
> 
> ...


Thanks! It's hard to come to terms with


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