# Started the paperwork



## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

so i started the seperation/divorce paperwork today...not quite sure how i feel about it other than i want to get it done with as soon as possible. i had to email her and let her know to get some info, we will see what kind of fireworks that sets off.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Was she aware that this was coming?


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

she should.. she moved to NY two weeks ago..she knows i don't want to work it out...but i have read alot of stories where paperwork makes people do crazy things.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Do you think it will be amicable, or nasty?

Sorry to ask!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

HerToo said:


> Do you think it will be amicable, or nasty?
> 
> Sorry to ask!


:scratchhead:this is a women of course she will be amicable all the way from NY


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

no worries... i really don't know..most things should be amicable, but who knows with her...she gets really nasty when she gets mad. i don't think she has really come out of the fog yet...and i think that she doesnt really believe that i will file the paperwork. so we shall see i guess...part of me thinks that this will start to clear the fog, the other part says i wont hear a thing from her


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

so i got a reply this morning. she texted me saying " i am stunned.. i need time to process this". are you F'ing kidding me...i have already told her i didn't want to work it out, and she asked me to file the paperwork since i get free legal aid through the military...sometimes i wonder what goes through her head...i personaly think that she figured i wouldnt go through with it.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

crazyconfused said:


> .i personaly think that she figured i wouldnt go through with it.


And the nail has been hit squarely on the head.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Process what? Sign a response form and return it. Not too much to process there!

Maybe she thinks you are working a remote 180 on her.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

yeah i know...i am not sure what she was trying to process either. i haven't sent her the paperwork yet...i need her to get me some info on the cars so i get finish the paperwork. that was on thursday..she replied with what i said above on fri..course i havent heard anything. i figure she is going to drag her feet on this...i really just want to get this done...as much as i love her, this relationship is dead. i need to get this done to start moving on.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

quick update. so i havent heard from her since friday..what is she trying to process. i am trying not to be a d***, but what is she doing. i really want to be done with this. i can't even get the seperation paperwork going without some info that she has. i can't figure out why she is dragging her feet....ugghhh...so frustrated.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Send text or email asking for the info you need. Don't torment yourself sitting in limbo like this. Obviously, she is dragging this, shocked at the final consequence of her action. But then again, that is her problem, not yours.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

emailed her today asking for the info i needed...she sent it right away...for some reason it makes me feel sad...ughh, i really really hate this....


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Do you think it will be amicable, or nasty?
> 
> Sorry to ask!


Whether one or both parties don't want to be amicable during the divorce, it really doesn't matter as long as common sense and knowing the law prevails.

I counseled my sister through her divorce. I kept telling her that he can be as nasty as he wants, in the end she is entitled to half the marital assets. So he'd try to tell her, and through his attorney, that she was only going to get so much.

I told my sister, let your attorney handle it. So when her stbXH tried to move money, or spent most of it, her attorney said, "well then, he is going to have to come up with it somehow, because we have the account balances before this all started"

Then he tried to stall and told my sister that he will drag this out as long as he can. To which my sister's attorney fired back and told him and his lawyer that they will file a motion to have the judge just make a ruling and divide all assets down the middle, regardless of what was marital. They backed down knowing that would be a worse situation.

So in the end, if one party is not being reasonable, then let the attorney handle it.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Heres the thing. We both came into this telationship with everything of our own. We basically have no purely maritial assets. Those that we have, we have split amicably. As much as i know i have to do this,( she wont) and its for my own good, it still sucks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

crazyconfused said:


> Heres the thing. We both came into this telationship with everything of our own. We basically have no purely maritial assets. Those that we have, we have split amicably. As much as i know i have to do this,( she wont) and its for my own good, it still sucks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She was surprised and dragging her feet for a little bit because she thought you will always be her back up plan, that you would always be there to take her back when things get rough. Stay strong. Remember, you are no one's back up or second string player. You will find someone in the future that will make you her priority and only man.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She's processing the fact that she really effed up and was hoping it would go away/get better. Now everything is actually going to hell and its all her fault.. Giving up everything for so very little. 

Not only has she screwed herself her son has lost the dad he had come to love. Really hurt for you and your step son. Its just too sad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Or could she now be planning to file before you do, thinking that it gives her a heads up.

Is she working? Does she earn a lot less than you do?

How long have you been married?


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Well she texted me today and finally got me the rest of the info i need to finish the paperwork. She also kinda indicated that things wernt going well up there. Asked her what was going on and she just kinda brushed it off like she didnt want to talk about it..so i said ok and left it at that. Followin the 180...IMO could be shes sad or there are some family issues..either way guess it doesnt matter...but no, shes not going to file first. I dont think she would file...but i need to get this done, im going to be travelling alot and gone for most of the year next year....as far as i know she doesnt have a job right now and is living with her parents...i guess right now i go back and forth between angry and depressed...i've done the right thing. Cheating on me in less than two years of marriage is ridiculous...i just dont get how she can throw this all away, and never have lifted a finger to try to stop it...and, i think that part of her " processing" is based on two facts..
She didnt think i would do it
Dont think shes ever been left before..shes always been in control of her relationships...

Doing the right thing...still sucks...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

crazyconfused said:


> Well she texted me today and finally got me the rest of the info i need to finish the paperwork. She also kinda indicated that things wernt going well up there. Asked her what was going on and she just kinda brushed it off like she didnt want to talk about it..so i said ok and left it at that. Followin the 180...IMO could be shes sad or there are some family issues..either way guess it doesnt matter...but no, shes not going to file first. I dont think she would file...but i need to get this done, im going to be travelling alot and gone for most of the year next year....as far as i know she doesnt have a job right now and is living with her parents...i guess right now i go back and forth between angry and depressed...i've done the right thing. Cheating on me in less than two years of marriage is ridiculous...i just dont get how she can throw this all away, and never have lifted a finger to try to stop it...and, i think that part of her " processing" is based on two facts..
> She didnt think i would do it
> Dont think shes ever been left before..shes always been in control of her relationships...
> 
> ...


Yeah, it sucks....right now. As time goes by you will look back on this and wonder why you ever thought it sucked. Look at the other thread where the wife cheated on him after only being married for 8 months. She never thought you would file because like I've said, you have always been the back up plan. She's lost that control now.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

i agree...i will...and i have been following my own advice..beating my self up in the gym, staying busy..etc...still makes me angry/depressed that she just lets the lies go on and on...she is a piece of work


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

i guess i am just angry...who does this.. she had what most women want. we had a good relationship (so i thought), i am good looking, not into drugs, alcholol, additced to porn, nothing. i was a good father to my step son... a good husband to her...we weren't rich, but lacked for little. who throws all that away to sleep with a 21 year old boy, then lies and does nothing to fix the situation... i even asked her if this was an exit affair, she said no...so who does this


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

i don't know if i will ever understand this...i try to imagine that one day i can forgive her...some say its crucial to be able to move on...but how can one forgive what you dont understand


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Interesting tidbits of info....

let me preface that i have a friend that works with OM..the best part, he doesnt know that this person knows me..he has friended this person on FB..
Haven't heard much from the STBX except to question when i sent my stepson a christmas gift...told her to tell him its from Santa and let it go at that. 
So OM has told my friend that he has a girlfriend in another state..he puts on FB how much he misses someone and how long distance relationships are hard. (STBX moved out of state, OM is in same state as me)....that was about a week ago...

today he puts on his facebook "its amazing how one minute you go from meaning the world to someone and your the best decsion someone has ever made to the most hated person in thier life and thier biggest mistake"....hmmm wonder who he is talking about...my prediction, she will be calling me very soon to feel me out for reconcilliation. too bad she is going to get a stone wall..i got the seperation paperwork back, just gotta mail it to her tommorow....what do you guys think.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

crazyconfused said:


> Interesting tidbits of info....
> 
> let me preface that i have a friend that works with OM..the best part, he doesnt know that this person knows me..he has friended this person on FB..
> Haven't heard much from the STBX except to question when i sent my stepson a christmas gift...told her to tell him its from Santa and let it go at that.
> ...


She is starting to see the reality of the mess that she created...The fog is maybe started to go away but I guess little to late...

Good Luck


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

oh and get this...so yesterday, (one day after she apparently broke up with OM) i get a phone call (didn't answer) and a text message like two min after that....boy she is something..


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

crazyconfused said:


> oh and get this...so yesterday, (one day after she apparently broke up with OM) i get a phone call (didn't answer) and a text message like two min after that....boy she is something..


Mom and dad want her out of their house?


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

nah, they wouldn't do that...these people moved out to guam to help her out with the boy before we met..they would do anything for her


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

just venting, but i got another update...

so today i mailed out the seperation paperwork. coincidentaly, the she texts me today asking if i had gotten the sep agreement back yet to give to her. she said that she's applying to go back to college and since we are still married they want to use my income to base her payments on. guess if we are legaly seperated, she only has to count her income...no biggie....but then she comes back claiming that i am happy we are getting seperated, that i have been posting facebook posts and talking to mutual friends about how terrible she was to me, how happy i am now that we arent together and how i was never happy in the marriage. (none of this is true in the slightest. the only people i talk to is one of my friends, my parents and post on here. so being the fact that i was out in town with friends, i told her i would email her back with my thoughts on the situation. heres what i wrote her. 

"not really sure how to start this...i going to go quite a bit farther than what we talked about tonight, but i had some stuff i wanted to get off my chest...your not going to like alot of what i have to say in here....first and formost, i have not been talking trash about you to anyone...i havent even spoken to any of our mutual friends since we split, so i have no idea what s*** or anyone else is talking about. i DON'T just put stuff out on facebook to hurt you...if i wanted to do that, i could have, but i didn't. 

I am hurt though by the fact that you have this thing in your head that i wasn't happy. hurt and pissed off...how could you say that. granted, i am not the type to go skipping around and humming happy tunes, but i was happy. i was where i wanted to be. i don't understand why that you get that idea in your head, and no matter what i say or do, i can't convince you otherwise. i don't know if you if you just worry about me being happy so much that you are like hyper vigilent to any sign that i was not and convince yourself that i am not, or you weren't happy and just told yourself that i wasnt to justify what happened or us splitting up or what....i don't know, theres a million possiblities that whir around in my head, and i will probably never know. but i can't control what you think, i can only tell you how i think and feel and let you do with it what you want. 

I am hurt and pissed off about what happened.. and like i told you i don't believe you that it was only just a kiss. you guys were full blown sleeping together and in a relationship. theres no two ways about it. you were doing this in front of our son, thats just inconceivable to me. who does that? you have no idea what that did to me. how much that hurt. how it broke my heart. still hurts. still breaks my heart.... to see you leave knowing your going out with him tore me apart inside. i don't know if you were so caught up in the fog of your relationship with him that you didn't see it, or just didn't care. but you obviously have no respect for me..that hurts alot... you lied to my face about it, even when you knew that i knew you were lying. that was the worst part of it. i think i could have forgiven you had you just come out and admitted what happened and broke it off with him. but the lying and continuing to see him is what pushed me over the edge. thats what i couldn't stand. why can't you just tell me the truth. why. do i mean that little to you...

as far as me being so miserable with you, and more happy now is complete BS. i admit, i am not sitting around the house sulking. i am going out and having fun, doing stuff that i didn't do while we were together. i refuse to sit around the house and be a miserable mess. thats why i am back in the gym, out all the time. i am a complete and whole person with or without you. but don't think that for a second i was unhappy with you. i loved being a husband to you, and a father for dylan. if i wasnt happy, would i have wanted to have a baby with you. i did. i wanted to watch our family grow. i loved being married. i loved being a father. i wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. you and that little boy were everything to me. and it was taken away from me because you decided to have a fling with a 21 year old boy because you were depressed and needed something to make you feel better... i didn't come to the decision to leave you easily or with a light heart. i don't proceed with the papers all happy, it actually breaks my heart. but i wasn't given a choice. there was no way i could continue to be treated that way and look myself in the mirror and like what i see. i don't like the fact that let you walk all over me as much as you did. so yes, i am angry. understandbly so. i am done with holding things in and not saying whats in my head and heart to get along and not cause fights. i did that too long while were together. 

i just reread this, and it sounds like it was written in anger...but it really wasn't...am i upset and hurt, yes of course. but i actually wrote this in a very calm state of mind. your not going to believe that, and be extremely pissed, but its the truth. its just how i feel."


so anyone have an opinion. did i do good or bad...i let her know exactly how i felt though.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Looks good to me. I'd send it.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Send it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Looks good. She is deflecting and blame shifting. She knows all this is her fault. Stay Strong.


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## stuckmick (Dec 10, 2011)

Send it

This is sort of the way my first marriage ended. She was conducting an online affair with a OM in another state. I got the ILYBNILWY speech and it went downhill from there. I didnt know anything about OM. I completely ignored all the signs. I found out about him through electronic means 2 mos after the speech. I snapped. Cut her off financially, exposed to her family. Filed for divorce immediately. She still hates me, thinks she did nothing wrong and last I heard is still with OM 8 years later. Fact is, I dont give a sh*t about her or the OM. The family I exposed her to still thinks she is crazy and want nothing to do with her, but are too polite to tell her that. They contact me on a regular basis and we have continued our friendship for the last 8 years (they're great people). This fact alone drives her CRAZY. She re wrote our history at the time she left and NO ONE believed her and wondered to me out loud why I put up with her sh*t for 10 years...good luck man, sincerely..


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

+1 send it

She's completely blame shifting the affair and the consequences onto you.

and that shows she is neither accepting responsibility for her affair nor has any remorse.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Send it


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## gigitogtog (Dec 31, 2011)

i don't think she has really come out of the fog yet...


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Hey guys thanks for the replies. I guess I should have been more specific, I had already sent it before I put it on here. So the fall out...

Surprisingly little to tell u the truth. I sent it out about ten thirty pm on Thursday night. I left that next morning to go on a snowboarding trip a few hours away. I didn't hear from her on Friday, but on Saturday she calls me twice and texts me twice and sends me an email saying she needed to talk to me all in the space of 20 min. Then like an hour later she sends me a text saying "I don't know why ur ignoring me but there are mistakes in our sep paperwork. I didn't get these till a couple hours later because I didnt take my phone on the slopes with me, and I decided that since I am in180 mode and I was with friends that I wasn't going to call her right back. So I waited until today when I was home and alone to call her back, braced for fireworks after my email to her. But surprisingly enough, we had an amicable chat about the sep papers. There were a couple mistakes in there, nothing big, and neither her or I were upset about them. We talk briefly about our son and how we are doing, keeping it very light and that was it... What is weird to me is that she never once mentioned anything about the email I sent her. Not one word, not even me saying how messed up it was that she was cheating on me in front of him. Knowing her that should have sent her into a level of pissed off that I have never seen before. Not a word. Between that and the flood of email/phone calls/text messages in 20 min and the email I sent her and her not mentioning it I am wondering what is really going on here. Let's look at the facts..

I sent her email on Thursday night, but she prob didn't read it till Friday. Didn't hear a peep from her, surprisingly enough, it should have had her seeing red and telling me how wrong I was and all the things I've done wrong according to her. 

I assume she got the sep paperwork on Saturday. She knew it was coming, and the contents of the agreement. She repeatedly tries to contact me. Her final message says she wants to talk about the separation paperwork. 

Today we talk about sep papers and little stuff, no relationship stuff. the mistakes in the sep paperwork were very minor, not something to flood all forms of communication with me trying to get a hold of me. No mention of email. 

I have to admit I'm confused by her tactics. Lol... My working theory is that she initially wanted to talk about something else, but probably got frustrated when I didn't get a hold of her, so she is maintaining her cool attitude toward me. I've seen her do it in the past where if I don't get back to her on something right away(especially something where she has to be emotionally brave and has screwed her courage up or if she's upset) she will get kind of cold and stand offish and won't discuss whatever it was. Although I cant really say she was cold to me today. Our tones were more like when our marriage was good and we were making a decision on something. Not light and playful, but not all matter of fact and serious either. Hard to explain...

Interesting tidbit on OM. My friend says he posted on his Facebook " a woman will sell her soul for a little attention."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Even thought the OM is a POS for being with a M women, he is so right about that!


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

yes he is...and i figured this is what this whole affair is about...still trying to figure yesterday out though...


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

i would love to hear what you guys think about this last little encounter...i think i have things figured out, but i doubt myself, and its always good to have an objective opinion...thats why i post stuff on here, for emotional support and objective opinions...and it gives me a safe place to vent besides my couple of confidants who i talk to about this...i guess i dont want to burn them out listening to me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It seems that she knows it is useless to deny the affair and may be even feeling that she deserves to be dumped by you.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

morituri said:


> It seems that she knows it is useless to deny the affair and may be even feeling that she deserves to be dumped by you.


If that's true, why hasn't she come clean about the affair?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

dymo said:


> If that's true, why hasn't she come clean about the affair?


What's the point in coming clean when the truth is already known?


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

I am a believer in marriage and in reconciliation. However, if you have already reached the point where you are filing papers, file them. Serve them. You don't need paperwork on autos to file the papers. Get it done and over with. Delay, if I am understanding your situation, does not help your legal situation. With delay, anything can happen legally and none of it is good. If you really have a lawyer and not just a paralegal assisting you, assert your rights and protect yourself. if you don't have a lawyer and are trying to get assistance so you can file your own papers, get a lawyer. If you want to try to get back with her after the divorce, get a prenup. The law in NY on separation is a little different than law in other states. Unless you were JAG in the military, get help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

morituri, you may be right....but im not sure that fits into her character...it would possibly explain her not saying anything about that email i sent her. she's very good at pointing out the what others have done wrong, but not very good that she was wrong about something...

i am really surprised still that she didn't say anything about me saying something about doing all this in front of the boy...that is something that would normally send her into outerspace...

i guess her coming clean to me is important to me because the way i see it, her lying and denying it to my face when she knows i know means that she just doesnt care about me at all. that she has no respect for me at all...she could at least give me that.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

crazyconfused said:


> i am really surprised still that she didn't say anything about me saying something about doing all this in front of the boy...that is something that would normally send her into outerspace...


Could it be that it causes her shame to even acknowledge it?



> i guess her coming clean to me is important to me because the way i see it, her lying and denying it to my face when she knows i know means that she just doesnt care about me at all. that she has no respect for me at all...she could at least give me that.


Are you sure that your need for her to come clean is actually a need to justify your facts that she was indeed cheating on you? I hope that is not the case because from what you posted, there seems to be very little doubt that she was having an affair.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Reading something can be more powerful then speaking. It allowed her to concentrate on what thought is being conveyed. I would follow up with the inquiry. Make her address you about it, and if she doesn't, there you go. If only to set the record straight.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

I have no doubt that she was cheating on me, there was way to much evidence. It bugs me that lied about it even when caaught. Even when left and there's nothing to save. So yeah maybe it's shame, but it still bugs me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

ok... i am ready to FKing lose it...i am so pissed right now i can't see straight.... let me fill you in.... let me recapp somehting first...i have a friend that works with OM. she's is slowly trying to push OM into admitting that he and my wife were together. so here we go...

thursday i get a facebook message from my friend telling me this

from my friend
....Okay get this....This girl (M) was in the patrol car with me the other night (just her and I)....
So she says out of the blue "you remind me of this girl who used to be here named (my wife)....I was like what?
Then she said can you keep a secret? She said yea her and OM) were together...I acted surprised and she said pretty much the whole command knew about it...the command questioned him and he of course denied it but M said she used to talk to him about it...I said man thats f*** up what she did.....I guess the command couldnt prove anything...
I said I wonder if they are still seeing eachother and she said yes Im pretty sure they do....

That got me mad, but it just confirms what i already knew....so i was a little angry, but no biggie...so the wife texts me today...(by the way, i changed her name in my phone to "Cheating Who**). it intialy starts out about her asking if she is off my car insurance yet. told i didn't know yet, but i would check. i asked her if she had sent me the seperation paperwork back yet. she made a couple of excuses and then said...i will get it to you quickly, i know you want to be done with this. our text conversation then went like this from there....

Her
Go no.. i want you to move on with your life and be happy and enjoy every moment and experience coming...and purely off the fact i was getting out of the military was enough for me to know i had nothing left to offer you. 

Me: 
I'm not sure what you mean

Her 
OK

ME
I was happy with you and did not care if you were in military or not, as long as we were a family, i was good. I will move on...i have to because i know that you will never do the things necessary for reconciliation. not being mean, just honest. i am sorry this happenedd and i am sorry i wasnt enough for you..i would have been there forever. i hope you and the munchkin find happiness. 

Her:
I wish i could explain everything...what really ahppened so you would stop wrapping your mind around what you think i did. but we are so far past explanations and the truth wouldnt matter anymore. take care of yourself and i will send you the paperwork soon..

ME
to be honest, the truth would help me. at least understand. thats the hardest part for me, i dont know exactly what happened or why, i dont care if you email it to me...

Her
i can't. id rather just have you and your family mad at me....besides, like i sadi that first day there is no changing or taking back thoughts or opinions(shes mad that i spoke to my family for support)

Me
please just talk to me for once..email me if you prefer...actualy i prefer that, so you can get all your thoughts down. i think i deserve it just to have peace...

Her
thats just it..it has always been about you...not getting emails(when i was on deployment and she stopped emailing me), you being wronged..whats best for you..what you deserve...god i can't do this. i am bringing all this up again...maybe sometimes its just not good for the other person and by not talking about it is the only way they can hold onto any sense of themseves they have...avoiding completely falling apart and holding onto the last threads of their rope purely to be a functioning part of thier sons life. i would rather you think what you do then fall into a hole i may never get out of. i wont do that to my son...you were just so set that i was going to be like my first wife(who cheated on me) that you construed everything to justify it...

Me..
fine do what you gotta do for the boy. i just reacted off of what u were doing. never thought u would cheat till i was smakced in the face with it. and from there i just reacted off of i was getting from you. and i never got anything posisitive, so i pushed forward. thats all i could do. 

Her. 
god..even there..why would i open up and explain what happened when you can t get over waht you think happened... thats why i just pulled away and just let the pieces fall where they would. you were set in your beliefs and so stubborn you called your family to support you and they got you fired up without even talking to me. you are literally clueless about what happened and too blind see that you just might be wrong and that is what pushed me away....the fact that i wasnt able to even talk to the man who was supposed to be my partnermy better half...the who supposed to be able to know and acceppt everything about me. good and bad...bur ti was so scared to how you would react and look at me i couldnt tell you..and then you turned it into something you could understand and justify to yourself...it just is what it is know. 

ME
i would have been there for you, but you never let me. and then drove me away when you wouldn't stop seeing him. i know you don't get it, but i had to talk to someone and lord knows i couldn't talk to you. and you still cant even tell me the truth, which i don't understand why...its not like its a big secret..its all over the command where you worked...hes even been investigated...at least my first wife had the guts to tell me...if you don't have the guts to face my family after making a mistake, then i don't mean enough to be married to. you sit there and tell me i was supposed to be there to for you, one: you wouldn't let me you were too busy with him, and two: where were you for me? you tell me its always about me, thats comeplete BS

Her
You are right, it was all over the command...but that was because of me..i told someone who i thought was a friend about was happened between us.. and it blew up into a thousand rumors..i was just informed last week that i was sleeping with about six people and sleeping with a mutual friend and her husband. 

Me. 
I am done with this. You are not going to stop lying to me. You don't have the least bit of respect for me. i am not going to be your second choice. i am not going to be thrown out like a piece of trash. and even there you said "what happened between us". that implies an emotional affair which is just as bad as sleeping with him...

Her
for that i am sorry..i should have trusted you and tried talking to you instead of you instead of him...i just didn't think i could bear the look in your eyes..i am really sorry and maybe its worse...i am sorry...i wish i could take it back but i fear we would have ended up in the same place...i still should have given you the oppertunity to be there for me...even far away(i was on deployment)

Me
what happened that was so bad that you couldnt bear to see the look in my eyes

Her
I can't..I love you and i will send you the papers soon..


I am so completely pissed off and frustrated....i can't beleive that she is trying to deny this BS....all the stuff i have found...no way she wasnt sleeping with him....and i don't know what she's talking about with what happened that she couldn't tell me....god only knows what she's cooked up in her head...

thoughts...opinionss....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look, the affair is completely confirmed.

You're wife's cheat was common knowledge in the command, as well as her continued meeting him.

She's a selfish coward - all the stuff she writes is blame shifting and BS. It's avoiding actual details and answers and soft peddling on every thing.

Just burn the bridge and file for full divorce.

Then expose as wide and far as you can - especially in any way that can cause grief to her and the OM.

Why aren't you just divorcing her ASAP?


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

I agree man...i can't file until March because of state law...mandatory waiting period...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

crazyconfused said:


> I agree man...i can't file until March because of state law...mandatory waiting period...


Ok, then go completely dark until March and then file.

Tell your friend thanks for the info, but you've got enough to know for sure that your wife isn't worth it anymore.

Your new goal isn't vengeance - your new goal is to become emotionally indifferent to her - to simply put her into the past and history as fast as possible.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I may have missed it but was there anything in there that suggested she wanted to work it out? Did you tell her you heard she was still involved with OM?


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

yeah, i told her that i heard it...but she as usual ignored it...and no, nothing saying she wants to work it out...i think she just doesnt want to face it...to work it out, she would have to face it...she just wants it to go away...and is willing to let me go to make it happen...my guess is that she will want to when he leaves the country in april....just a feeling...i am still confused on what this mystery event is she keeps talking about, the one she won't tell me about...probably more BS


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

i don't know what else i could have said..or should have said


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

why is she so bitter towards you


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Because she was caught!


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

That and she has twisted this into my fault. And that seems to be a core issue, her selfishness and inability to take responsibility for something
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

CC,

I know you are upset. Finding out new information is liking having another DD.

Sadly your wife is a coward. She not only screwed you over but her own son. A woman has to be pretty messed up in the head to carry on with OM right in front of her kid. 

You know this. You suspected all the other crap. She was too messed up to admit it to you when she was still with you. She is not going to admit it now. 

She just does not have the cajones to do it. You will most likely not get that satisfaction or healing from hearing the truth from her.

My two cents. Move on. Get away from all this crap. Someone said go dark. Just do it and fix yourself. Get your divorce and move forward. You are young enough to start over and start your own family.

Your wife turned out to be someone you do not even know anymore. Stop letting her hurt you. She can't own her own s__t, how is she going to help you heal? She can't and won't.

Good Luck Soldier, You deserve better, go out and find it.

HM64


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Wow, you are so better off without her! So sorry you are going through this....

She is totally blame shifting. It's so silly - you already know what happened, why lie about it now? I guess she's trying to protect herself from the guilt she feels.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

happy you are so right...she is a coward...i just don't understand why she would still lie to me...the milk is spilt, the wench is pregnant (figuritively) so whats the point...just ridicoulous... 

i don't know why i allow myself to be baited into these conversations with her...or wonder what i don't know, or if she's just alluding to something to draw me off. 

but yeah, i just need to go dark...thats the easiest way


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

CC

I will tell you why she is a coward. Because you do not know everything and she is ashamed to tell you. I think things were worse than you know and if she told you she would be dumped.

Stop thinking about her and start thinking about you!

There are plenty of good women out there with no baggage.

Get your head straight and go find one.

You deserve it!

Thanks for your service by the way.

HM64


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

you guys are so right...one of the things she said today really sticks to me...something to the affect of its better to not talk about something so she doesnt lose it...read that as "i don't want to have to admit i am a piece of trash"...oh well..better luck the next time around i supose


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Crazy- why aren't you going dark?

Whatever she is, I'll tell you this - she is a drama wh0re


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

i am..just venting...better here than to her


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Hey everyone, thought i would pop in for an update...going NC has been working pretty good. However, reapeadtly in the last couple of weeks, she has been trying to get me to reengage with her son. I don't think that this is a good idea. I have told her that i don't think i can be part of his life anymore. this makes me feel terribly guilty, but i think its for the best and this is why, 

1. He is my stepson, so i have no legal rights in his parenting
2. She is very manipulative-i know her very well and the minute she gets mad at me, or i start seeing someone else, she will yank him away from me so fast it will make your head spin. 
3. She lives in NY now, and I live in VA. How am i ever supposed to see him. Its not like she will ever make any effort to bring him down here. 

So today she texts me asking if i would like to see him when she comes down here for something (no idea why she's coming down, didn't ask/don't care) in late FEB. i said i would like to, but that i would be out of state for work. she then proceeded to basically talk me into being part of his life again. she even promised that i would never have to talk to her, that she would have her mom do the drop offs/pick ups. when i told her no, she says she understands, that if she were in my position, she would feel the way i do, even though she didn't really cheat on me...unbeleivable. part of me still feels that she is using the boy to try to keep her hooks in me....

oh, and i finally got the seperation paperwork back from her. a whole month after i sent them to her. funny coincidence, on monday, i posted something on facebook about one door closed, another one opens...i said that because i went on a date with a nice girl, and had a good time (didn't post that part though)... and i think it got back to her(we have mutal friends and i am sure she has someone watching my page) and two days later I got the seperation paperwork.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> CC
> 
> I will tell you why she is a coward. Because you do not know everything and she is ashamed to tell you. I think things were worse than you know and if she told you she would be dumped.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yeah crazy, she is trying to manipulate you with her son. I can virtually guarantee he is acting out in school and with her and she doesn't know what to do. Wait till he is an adolescent, and he tells her (in a fight, there are always fights with adolescence) that she is a cheating *****. Oh and it will come out. I think she is trying to get you to stabilize her son. Another guarantee, along with visitation you would get a list of areas she would like you to work on with him. Such as forgiveness, how people grow and change, how they make mistakes, but we must forgive. She obviously trusts you not to try to manipulate him against her. So It must be a lot more serious then she lets on. But I also believe that she has paid you a great compliment. She trusts you with her son. The sh!t is hitting the fan, and your ex is asking if she can borrow a roll of Charmins. She is trying to keep her options open.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

It is so sad that she trusts you with her son but not with the truth. She is truly a coward.

If you still communicate with her you should tell her that just that way.

She is one messed up momma.

You know what to do. Move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I feel bad for the kid. He might develop abandonment issues. Is there a way to phase him out gradually? She might be a cheater but this might be a genuine concern. She cannot manipulate you if you are aware of it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

My heart goes out to the innocent little boy who is caught in the middle of this sh!t storm created by his mother.

Even if you were to adopt him or she give you some legal guardianship over him, you would still have the challenge of co-parenting with your stbxw over a long distance. Would you be up to the challenge? If you are unsure then don't for you'd won't be doing that little boy or yourself any favors trying to.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

crazyconfused said:


> Hey everyone, thought i would pop in for an update...going NC has been working pretty good. However, reapeadtly in the last couple of weeks, *she has been trying to get me to reengage with her son*. I don't think that this is a good idea. I have told her that i don't think i can be part of his life anymore. this makes me feel terribly guilty, but i think its for the best and this is why,
> 
> 1. He is my stepson, so i have no legal rights in his parenting
> 2. *She is very manipulative*-i know her very well and the minute she gets mad at me, or i start seeing someone else, *she will yank him away from me so fast* it will make your head spin.
> ...


Your post pretty much says it all, don't you think? You're a GOOD MAN for loving your stepson as if he were your own blood. And she's using that genuine love that you have for him to manipulate you and keep you as the back up plan. I'm sorry, but to use that innocent child as a pawn against you is just plain evil. I can't think of any other way to describe it.

You know your STBXW is manipulating you into keeping you as her back up. As hard as it is, you have to move on. I know, easier said than done. I've been there. Just hoping you can find the strength to resist her manipulations using her son to keep you on the hook.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Thanks guys, some much needed positive influence
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Oh, the drama continues. She had the boy call me tonight and talk to me for a while. While it was nice to talk to him, I've made it perfectly clear how I feel this situation. She keeps countering with the fact that my parents are divorced and both stayed in my life. I don't think she gets it, and its really sad. I think things are starting to settle in for her....she cried alot. And i am just cold... 

Get this, several times while i was talking to the boy, he called me by the OM's name. I was like "are you Fing kidding me"? she apologized and asked if i was mad, i just non-chalantly told her i don't care anymore....I do, but but not much. To be honest, i am to the point where i still think about her, but i don't want her in anyway shape or form. haven't for a while. so i guess that means i am getting better. 

My biggest heartburn is the boy. He is such a wonderful kid, and he is acting out, getting in trouble and all the things you could expect from a 5 year old in this situation. I feel like the biggest scumbag on earth for walking out, but to be honest with you, i don't see staying thier lives working out in any kind of positive way. You have seen through my posts how manipulative she is, and i feel like she does want me in his life, but not out of hers. I just don't see it working. I wouldn't be a real father. I will give you a perfect example of how she operates. 

When we first split, we had two vehicles. hers and a truck that was hers before we got married. (we sold mine because hers was nicer). we had worked it out where i would drive her truck for a couple of months until i found a new one. one day after i moved out, she kept calling me and texting me wanting her truck back, so i had to jump through hoops to find another one in just a couple days....so as you see, she doesnt do things not in her interest.

I guess i am just venting because while i think i made the right descion, i feel terrible about it.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

CC,
You did not leave the marriage she did.
And when she asked if you were upset or mad with the kid calling you by the OM's name you should have said. "Yes, but I am really so disappointed in you."

She really messed up her kid. And you.

You did the right thing by filing for D. And of course you feel like crap, you loved her. But she is not the woman you married.

And yes, the boy confirmed her A was going on all this time.

Go dark on her and move on.


Stay strong. 

HM64


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Oh, the drama continues. She had the boy call me tonight and talk to me for a while. While it was nice to talk to him, I've made it perfectly clear how I feel this situation. She keeps countering with the fact that my parents are divorced and both stayed in my life. I don't think she gets it, and its really sad. I think things are starting to settle in for her....she cried alot. And i am just cold...


Why do you keep taking her calls?


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Honestly, because I usually ignore the first call. Then she texts making it sound like there is some kind of dire emergency. I know, stupid. But I am past the point of wanting her to call. I can honestly say I am to the point where thinking about aggravates me, then I just put it away. I just can't wait to have this done and over with. Especially since I know there will be more drama when the divorce papers hit her next month. I can't wait to get that behind me. Then I think the world will be a little brighter
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yeah, pretty much figured he was acting out. My parents divorced when I was 5. I just didn't care about kid things anymore after that. I did it all, but pulled it together when I married. Poor kid. Stay strong.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Ugh.. Ranting

So the WW called last night. Well she texted me first, saying the boy was gonna call and voicemail was fine. So when they called, I let it go to voicemail. I am not intentionally ignoring him, but I know if I talk to him, I am going to have to talk to her. I have nothing to say to her. I think the fog has warn off for her and she uses the boy as an excuse to talk to me. 

How F'd up is that. First she cheats on me in front of him, then uses him to try to talk to me....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Stay strong CC. As heartbreaking as it maybe, maybe the best way for you to put this in the past and heal YOU is to just go dark on her and her child. If I remember correctly he has grandparents and a father that he is in touch with.

So I think you are correct that she is using the kid as a tool to try and continue to manipulate you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It burns me to no end to see an innocent child being abused in such fashion.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

You know I can't help but feeling like a jack ass though. Not taking the calls of a five year old. This is a crappy situation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

your story is increasingly what I fear will happen to this poor guy

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40311-please-help-me.html


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Yeah I read his thread and had flas backs
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

so frustrated tonight... i really want nothing to do with her... other than to watch her life crumble before her before i get to leave it forever... but that little boy, he deserves so much better than this. thats whats got me so frustrated... shes slipped from an affair fog to another kind of fog where she will use a five year old to attempt to maniuplate me into coming back to her...you know, i know how much she cherishes him...and how good a mother she normally is...one day she is going to look back at this with a clear head and really really regret this.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Like morituri, I really hate seeing an innocent child being used as a pawn.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

The only way you'll get rid of her completely is if you begin to emotionally detach yourself from the little boy. It's going to be incredibly hard but it must be done for you to move forward


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

From one of your older threads, discussing the son.



crazyconfused said:


> no, actualy i would love to be part of his life...but his mother has moved him to NY, which is 500 miles away...she makes zero effort for me to be able to see or talk to him...i just don't see how its going to work...


You did not want to be a part of the boy's life, because it wouldn't work from a practical standpoint. However, the situation described in the above quote is no longer 100% true. She is still in NY, but is making efforts to keep you engaged with her son. Admittedly, a big part of this would be for selfish reasons.

Maintaining a relationship with her son will set back and disrupt your own progress as you try to detach and heal. No question. Keeping NC with her son may be the best way forward for your own personal well-being. Even so, are you sure that's still what you want?


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Would I like to be part of his life.. Yes. But I can't. If you read my posts above, she is extremely manipulative. So the minute I start seeing someone else, or do something she doesn't like, she will yank him away from me. I would never get to be a full parent. I would have no legal right from her yanking him away from me. .. That's why I just can't. 
I know that her wanting me to engage with him is a ploy to have an excuse to talk and engage with me. And once again I would be dancing to her tune. I just can't do that. My heart is pretty much over her... I have detached from her. I really want nothing from her other than maybe for her to come clean to me. I view this as simple human respect. But mostly I just want a quick easy divorce, so I can continue to erase her from my life. But I feel absolutely terrible about the boy. Hence my many posts. No kid should be subjected to this... A lot of guilt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

crazyconfused said:


> So the minute I start seeing someone else, or do something she doesn't like, she will yank him away from me. I would never get to be a full parent. I would have no legal right from her yanking him away from me. .. That's why I just can't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you haven't already, you should explain it to her in exactly these terms next time you talk.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

Exactly what I was thinking.

If not saying it to her at least write her.

Very sad for you and the boy.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> . other than to watch her life crumble before her before i get to leave it forever...


I think you are taking the wrong approach. Don't build your happiness on her ruin. That is counter productive.

And the kid, I think you are doing it wrong. I think you can slowly ease him off. How can she manipulate you if you are aware of it. How many parents don't maintain a platonic relationship for the kids. If she tries to manipulate you using the kid, don't let her. She is a bad person that made some very bad and selfish choices. But she is not your concern now.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

well you guys gave me a lot to think about. 

yesterday, i wrote a text message to the boy (on her phone) saying i was sorry i missed his calls. no response. 

this morning i texted her, saying that i would like speak if him if he still wants to talk, but i don't have anything to say to her...you know what kind of response i got. crickets....yup, nothing. i did this for a couple of reasons...i really don't mind talking to him at all, its nice. but to see if she would actually have him call if i made it clear to her i didn't want to talk to her...we see how that turned out. she dosen't work, and its presidents day, so i know he is not in school. 

i know shes angry at me for not picking up the phone, but she told me when she texted me before they called that voicemail was fine. and i know she's really p1ssed off because i said i had nothing to say to her. Can't win.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

So it after ten so I know the boy is in bed... Nothin from them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You did the right thing and reached out to them, especially your stepson.

Just leave it alone now.

It is up to her to put the boy on the phone.

She is a jerk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

So i got the divorce paperwork from the document preparers today and emailed them to the STBXW. Of course i got nothing from her....i have just been so angry and frustrated this last couple of weeks. I can file next week. And I think thats whats eating at me... i am really having a hard time sleeping. i think that all this is just bringing back alot of anger...frustrated.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Is this normal. To be so frustrated and angry. She hasn't even shown any remorse. Tonight she writes me and says its better off this way, that' she is moving away to costa rica this summer. Somehow it just seems she's so much farther ahead than me... I don't understand why this is eating at me so badly
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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