# 11 year relationship. Need help. I am confused



## abanuel2 (Sep 20, 2018)

Hello, I've been with my GF for 11 years now. We have 2 beautiful boys together. We also all live together in 1 house. After we had our first one, we drifted apart and didn't have any intimacy for many many years. We would both would talk about how we both needed to make changes. I was trying to make the changes, but I didn't see it on her end. So in a way I was like why even try. Last year we pretty much were going to break up. She already had it in her head that I sucked and I pretty much was quitting too because I saw that she didn't budge on the idea that I was terrible. My sloppiness and messiness outweighed my good qualities. Well she was invited to a women's group. And from there, she realized that my good qualities outweighed the bad. I was a hard worker, good provider, I complimented her and tried to be affectionate. But would always be brushed off. 

We started going to the gym together and trying to lose weight. We were having intercourse now and that's when she got pregnant with our second boy. He was born in June. In the meantime I was talking to a friend that I've started to catch feelings for. We are pretty open with each other. My gf and I aren't that open with each other. Lately I've noticed that my GF at times snaps at me, and is back to not being as affectionate again. In a way where I'm not happy in the relationship. 

She wanted for me to continue going to the gym, which would take a lot of time away from home. I asked her if she was sure, because I already knew that was going to complain about it. She said, as long as I helped when I got home. And that's what I did. But it wasn't enough for her. She gave me attitude all the time, would complain about everything, no matter what I did, she would complain. We talked about it. She said its because she's tired from taking care of our baby. Then I told her, I knew this was going to happen. I told her I can stop going to the gym, she said no. I asked her if I do help with our son after I get home from the gym and she said yes. And I asked her, what do you want me to do? Quit my job? She said no. Then what can I do to make more time to help out. She had no answer. 

I think I want to leave her. But that means she would have to move 2hours away to her moms or sisters house with the boys. Which is what I dont want to happen. Also I would be worried about how it would affect the boys too. The reason I have never married her is for financial reasons, since I'm the only bread winner in the home.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

abanuel2 said:


> Hello, I've been with my GF for 11 years now. We have 2 beautiful boys together. We also all live together in 1 house. After we had our first one, we drifted apart and didn't have any intimacy for many many years. We would both would talk about how we both needed to make changes. I was trying to make the changes, but I didn't see it on her end. So in a way I was like why even try. Last year we pretty much were going to break up. She already had it in her head that I sucked and I pretty much was quitting too because I saw that she didn't budge on the idea that I was terrible. My sloppiness and messiness outweighed my good qualities. Well she was invited to a women's group. And from there, she realized that my good qualities outweighed the bad. I was a hard worker, good provider, I complimented her and tried to be affectionate. But would always be brushed off.
> 
> We started going to the gym together and trying to lose weight. We were having intercourse now and that's when she got pregnant with our second boy. He was born in June. In the meantime I was talking to a friend that I've started to catch feelings for. We are pretty open with each other. My gf and I aren't that open with each other. Lately I've noticed that my GF at times snaps at me, and is back to not being as affectionate again. In a way where I'm not happy in the relationship.
> 
> ...


So I was about to address a couple of glaring things in the post, including the emotional affair you are having but then the last statement came.

"The reason I have never married her is for financial reasons, since I'm the only bread winner in the home." Seriously dude? I know times are different now but if this was the case just a few decades ago, not many people would ever get married. 

At this point it's hard to tell if she is someone who is mean spirited or someone that over time became mean spirited as a result of your attitude towards marriage and the mindset that comes through on this post. 

Just one pointer, you can make changes and compromises to help make a relationship better together but when you aren't happy with the effort on one side, you don't stop, you keep going to improve yourself. Sometimes it takes that as well, for the significant other to see that you are willing to work no matter what, which shows that you aren't doing it because you expect something in return.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Making babies, not making sense.

This, our world.


..............................................................

Help her get a job, ASAP. 

Make her independent of you. This may not be better for you, but will be for the boys. 

Let her move to her mom's or sisters...
If, if, if, they watch the boys while she works. She needs to provide for herself, pay her share of the boys costs. 

Then she will be appreciative of what work and money are all about. 

She needs to grow up.
You need to stop making babies.

It is good that you want to be around your boys.
You should get a job and place closer than two hours away.



[THRD]


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## abanuel2 (Sep 20, 2018)

SentHereForAReason said:


> "The reason I have never married her is for financial reasons, since I'm the only bread winner in the home." Seriously dude? I know times are different now but if this was the case just a few decades ago, not many people would ever get married. QUOTE]
> 
> I'm not against her working at all. But she can't because she told me that her Therapist told her that she isn't
> cleared to work yet due to her anxiety attacks and depression. Extra income would definitely make things easier for us


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## abanuel2 (Sep 20, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Making babies, not making sense.
> 
> This, our world.
> 
> ...


If it were that easy to find a place and a job. I would. I get paid pretty good for what I'm doing where I'm at, plus Cali is really expensive. I have a good affordable place right now. Trying to find the same somewhere else will be extremely difficult


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

abanuel2 said:


> she realized that my good qualities outweighed the bad. I was a hard worker, good provider, I complimented her and tried to be affectionate. But would always be brushed off.


Wow. Yet another "beta" story.....where your "good qualities" are the ENTIRE REASON she remains with you. She wants to be a SAHM, and to have the advantage of you earning a living for her and her children, while choosing to provide absolute zero in return which means anything to you, except what is virtually "supervised visitation" to your boys.



abanuel2 said:


> I think I want to leave her. But that means she would have to move 2hours away to her moms or sisters house with the boys. Which is what I dont want to happen. Also I would be worried about how it would affect the boys too. The reason I have never married her is for financial reasons, since I'm the only bread winner in the home.


Do yourself a big favor and go to an attorney before you make any moves. My first guess is that you will be financially crucified if you leave. You will be stuck with years of losing large portions of your income and assets.

Make your decisions based upon facts, and not feelings.



abanuel2 said:


> she told me that her Therapist told her that she isn't cleared to work yet due to her anxiety attacks and depression.


My guess upon this is that it is complete unicorn dung. Men worked to support their families in COAL MINES while dying of emphysema and black lung. I, personally, worked 55-60 hours per week and was hospitalized 7 times with 2 strokes and 4 minor heart attacks. I took 100 nitroglycerin tablets a month for about a year of that 6-year period, and it was the company's choice to let me go, not mine..... C'mon..... "anxiety" and "depression" ? Gimme a break....no wonder she pays this "therapist"....


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

abanuel2 said:


> SentHereForAReason said:
> 
> 
> > "The reason I have never married her is for financial reasons, since I'm the only bread winner in the home." Seriously dude? I know times are different now but if this was the case just a few decades ago, not many people would ever get married. QUOTE]
> ...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

SentHereForAReason said:


> So I was about to address a couple of glaring things in the post, including the emotional affair you are having but then the last statement came.
> 
> "The reason I have never married her is for financial reasons, since I'm the only bread winner in the home." Seriously dude? I know times are different now but if this was the case just a few decades ago, not many people would ever get married.
> 
> ...


 @SentHereForAReason, my brother, this thinking is what got YOU into the mess that I think you just got out of. 

No, this advice is just completely wrong, in ever way. 

He needs to get better for him, and if she does not want to come along, then, he dumps her. 

You do not KISS a woman's A$$ because she is being a BIOTCH, you kiss it because she is not being one...


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

abanuel2 said:


> Hello, I've been with my GF for 11 years now. We have 2 beautiful boys together. We also all live together in 1 house. After we had our first one, we drifted apart and didn't have any intimacy for many many years. We would both would talk about how we both needed to make changes. I was trying to make the changes, but I didn't see it on her end. So in a way I was like why even try. Last year we pretty much were going to break up. She already had it in her head that I sucked and I pretty much was quitting too because I saw that she didn't budge on the idea that I was terrible. My sloppiness and messiness outweighed my good qualities. Well she was invited to a women's group. And from there, she realized that my good qualities outweighed the bad. I was a hard worker, good provider, I complimented her and tried to be affectionate. But would always be brushed off.
> 
> We started going to the gym together and trying to lose weight. We were having intercourse now and that's when she got pregnant with our second boy. He was born in June. In the meantime I was talking to a friend that I've started to catch feelings for. We are pretty open with each other. My gf and I aren't that open with each other. Lately I've noticed that my GF at times snaps at me, and is back to not being as affectionate again. In a way where I'm not happy in the relationship.
> 
> ...



Let me guess, your GF isn't losing that much weight and your "friend" is really attractive. Your GF encourages you to go to the gym because it makes you happy and you're getting results. She's at home watching the kids, does she know you're chatting up your "friend?"

Your post reads to me like you're rewriting history. She stuck by you when you were sloppy and messy and overweight. She takes care of your boys. She doesn't work but it seems like you've agreed to or accepted this arrangement.

It seems like you've lost weight and have a new lease on life and are attracting women and like that feeling. And it's like your GF is holding you back and she's who you settled for. Please think long and hard before you leave her.


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## abanuel2 (Sep 20, 2018)

azimuth said:


> Let me guess, your GF isn't losing that much weight and your "friend" is really attractive. Your GF encourages you to go to the gym because it makes you happy and you're getting results. She's at home watching the kids, does she know you're chatting up your "friend?"
> 
> Your post reads to me like you're rewriting history. She stuck by you when you were sloppy and messy and overweight. She takes care of your boys. She doesn't work but it seems like you've agreed to or accepted this arrangement.
> 
> It seems like you've lost weight and have a new lease on life and are attracting women and like that feeling. And it's like your GF is holding you back and she's who you settled for. Please think long and hard before you leave her.


Not at all. I love BBWs. they're both are BBW's. I'm still fat, messy, and sloppy. Thequality that I worked on and damn proud is being there more for my sons. 


I'm not attracting women left and right at all. I just wish My GF was more affectionate with me and compliment me or a thank you or something.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

abanuel2 said:


> Not at all. I love BBWs. they're both are BBW's. I'm still fat, messy, and sloppy. Thequality that I worked on and damn proud is being there more for my sons.
> 
> 
> I'm not attracting women left and right at all. I just wish My GF was more affectionate with me and compliment me or a thank you or something.


You are cheating with your "friend." You have no ground to stand on to ask your GF for anything while you're still emotionally involved with your "friend." Being involved with her is shading your relationship with your GF because you're in the fog. When you cut out this "friend" you might see that you would have something worth saving.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

You have already made 2 babies. 

Get your life in order. 

See if you can patch things up with the gf. 

Kick the "friend" to the curb. No contact.

See about couples counseling.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> SentHereForAReason said:
> 
> 
> > So I was about to address a couple of glaring things in the post, including the emotional affair you are having but then the last statement came.
> ...


Hence my exact words .... He needs to keep improving for himself ??


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