# Overbearing Inlaws, when is enough?



## Minncouple

OK, my inlaws are out of control and my wife is oblivious to this and it is effecting our marriage. First, I come from a pretty low drama family. I speak with my parents on Sundays, and so does my sister. We don't speak during the weeks as they know we have lives and work so they (my parents) are pretty understanding.

Her Mom is simply insane. My wife has 2 sisters and one brother. My wife is the only one in the family that can do anything and has to handle it all for her parents. My wifes cell phone starts ringing at 6am, and continues through the day with pretty much plain old jibberish. Her mom calls all day long. It never ends and she never leaves us alone. We have Sat. date night and we both look forward to it as it is our time. Well, the mother knows this and still calls at 7.30pm as we are walking into dinner. My wifes takes the call!! I have spoken to my wife about this and how it really makes me feels like I am not a priority, and her mom needs to be put in her place, but it just starts a argument. My wife thinks it's fine and she has a handle on her mom. I dissagree, and it has really become a sore spot for me. The drama just never ends....It is also the constant trips to thier house for things and the continually articles clipped out of the paper for us daily. It's like everytime one of us goes over there, there is a full bag of crap for us to bring home. 

So, my question, at what point can I step in and speak with her mother? Is it even acceptable to do this? I have spoken with my wife and it seems like that is not working. I simply cant take it anymore and it is really ruining our marriage. It drives me nuts!!!

Any advice on how to nip this inlaw deal in the bud is muc appreciated. My wife knows her mom is nuts, but appearently my wifes idea of putting limits on her mom and my idea of limits are completely different.

Thanks for any comments


----------



## preso

You claim she is insane, so how do you figure trying to talk to her will do any good?

If it were me, I'd let my actions do the talking in avoiding her and contact with her, she should then get the point.
Also let your wife know you don't like her constant chatter on the phone and encourage her to find a new hobby.
As I see it, thats about all you can do. Sounds like wife has a very dsyfunctional and emotionally entangled relationship with her parents.

As I see it, you'll be lucky to have her get off the phone and spend some quality time with you. Sounds like her parents totally control her and her life and time. The umbilical cord was never cut it seems.


----------



## Minncouple

Thanks for the response, I agree with your comments.

1) All other son in laws or ex son in laws have wrote her off and the are considered the bad guys.

2) I have made it clear by my actions that I want no interction with them (my inlaws) on a basis other than normal holidays and birthday stuff. There are no more Sunday dinners or just stopping by. But, this doesn't help the 20 calls a day to my wife who also takes the calls. and or takes the calls behind my back by leaving the room or going outside where she thinks I can't hear her talking. 

3) I have spoken to my wife about the chatter and calls and although she thinks she puts limits on it, she still has a hold on her way beyond what i feel should be acceptable. When we go away for the weekend, she still calls her. i mean we can't get away for 2 days to be with each other, without the calls. Often, during a planned event (dinner out, or when I cook Sunday romantci dinner) my wifes phone rings, I sigh and make the comment "let me guess who" and it just upsets my wife and she still takes the call. I have stopped with the whitty comments as I am not trying to get under my wifes skin, just trying to let her know that I think it's unappropriate time to call.

4) We did go to consuling once a while back. The Consuler mentioned my wife was emotionally molested due to her parents just not letting go and holding her between them. I call it BS, as she is an adult now and should be able to say enough is enough and put an end to it all. Another piece of info, all other sisters and brother have moved away of wrote the parents off. My wife is the one who still clings to the drama.

I still regret not speaking my mind when her parents were moving back here and looking at homes so close to us. I tried to just avoid the argument by keeping my mouth shut, but in hindsight I just made things worse. 

Is this situation fixable? or am I in for a life time on this. I am not sure I want to live like this anymore.


----------



## Lostandconfused

Well, this is what I'm hearing from your post:

1. Your wife let's her parents control her life (not in telling her WHAT to do but in the amount of time they require).

2. You let your wife control your marriage (not by telling you how it will be but by her actions of accepting these phone calls/interruptions to your "couple" time while you wait on her.)

Hopefully I'm reading this right. If not, or even if so, feel free to chuck my opinion. It's up to you.

First, you can't make your wife give up her parents. She "needs" them to "need" her it seems. So, you can continue to: embarras her, make her feel guilty, make her try to hide her activities but this defeats the purpose and justifies her thoughts that she's "needed" by them and you are unreasonable.

It's my opinion that you have a choice when she takes these calls. You can continue to sit there, keep cooking, whatever it is you're doing while she takes the calls and still "be there" when she's done or you can stop that.

You have to learn to set the boundaries for your "couple" time with your wife. Let her know up front, IF you take a call from your mother/father while it is "our" time, then I will immediately stop what I'm doing and go do something else "without you". You let her know that there are acceptable times for these calls and unacceptable times. Period. She has to see that you no longer intend or are willing to "wait around" on her to finish up with her more important parents and be there for her when she's done. Outline clearly when you are expecting "couple" time and that it is completely off-limits to parent's interruption.

Examples: You ask her to leave either the cell phone at home or you at home or if you don't want to do that and you're out to dinner and she takes a call, pay the bill and give her cash to call a cab (or you give her car keys and you take a cab) and leave the restaurant alone. Go finish dinner somewhere else by yourself. If you are in the midst of cooking Sunday dinner and she takes a phone call from her parents, finish cooking dinner, wrap it up, place it in the freezer and go out for dinner "by yourself". Stop "being there" waiting patiently or in some instances I'm sure impatiently for her to make them first priority. You can continue to be kind and courteous, but resolute in your determination to not be left standing there twiddling your thumbs while she takes care of them first.

She'll get the point IF you set boundaries up front that are reasonable. Stop fighting over it. Stop complaining. Act. 

As far as the sack of junk they give you when you stop over, well there's a place for that. You are under zero obligation to read it or keep it. Feel free to do what you want to with it which I assume is to throw it away. They are happy, they gave it to you. You are happy, you don't have to deal with it. If they ask if you read so and so article, no I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to that.

Now, she may or may not keep making her parents her first priority but you will have stood up for yourself and it will bring to light where her "real" priorities lie. Then you may or may not have other decisions to make about your marriage.

Just my $0.02.
Lost


----------



## Minncouple

Thanks for the reply Lostandconfused, i really appreciate it.

I agree with alot of what you say. I do need to be firm in my boundaires with this. I simply am getting resentful of how it seems like I am always the one trying to keep our marriage solid and make sure we are a couple. It seems like it is 100% effort on my part and zero on hers. I feel marriage is 50/50.

I think my resentment over this and her lack of effort has grown to a breaking point. I almost feel like throwing in tne towel as it will never change if she continues to feel like she isn't the problem. There is only so much effort/energy I have to put into this anymore.


----------



## preso

Minncouple said:


> I still regret not speaking my mind when her parents were moving back here and looking at homes so close to us. I tried to just avoid the argument by keeping my mouth shut, but in hindsight I just made things worse.
> 
> Is this situation fixable? or am I in for a life time on this. I am not sure I want to live like this anymore.


This is what many people do, they do not start out with good boundries and end up with everyone walking all over them.
Once your in that situation its hard to fix it as people have gotten used to walking all over you.
It can be fixed but its going to take a lot of work on both your side and your wifes, to stop your current patterns.

Something you can discuss with counselor, what the steps should be and begin to work on them, but it will take some time, just like it took time to get to where your at now. People tend to resist change, so its going to take some time.


----------



## Blanca

Minncouple said:


> So, my question, at what point can I step in and speak with her mother? Is it even acceptable to do this? I have spoken with my wife and it seems like that is not working. I simply cant take it anymore and it is really ruining our marriage. It drives me nuts!!!


dont talk to your in-laws. it will only make things worse. i talked to my MIL and it just made her even more angry and made my H angry. its just a bad idea. 

next time your wife takes a call in the middle of your date night, leave. tell her why you are leaving and that you will emotionally withdrawal from her until she changes.


----------



## preso

My husband his first marriage, told me that talking to his mother in law about some issues he had with her is what set off the beginning of his divorce. His wife at the time became highly offended he talked to her mother.

Be careful is what I'm saying if you ever think of talking to her. Persoanlly I think its best to ignore her, and everything she says.


----------



## Minncouple

Thank you all for your comments, I really do appreciate them.

I guess I am just upset that I feel it's always me putting forth the effort to make our marriage the best it can be. It seems like I am the only one who cares and tries. Again, I know I am not perfect, but I really do deserve someone who does care about me and makes me feel important in thier lives. 

We have a big dinner/art auction this Friday night and I will see if the calls start coming in, I will take action. I guess my passive approach (only with her, and not in my other relationships) hasn't worked, It's time for a change. I simply can't take feeling like this anymore. She really is everything I have ever wanted, aside from her family. 

thanks again. I appreciate the comments.


----------



## Lostandconfused

I think taking action is important; however, giving the guidelines for your expectations for this coming Friday is very important for her to feel you are being fair and for her to know, up front and in advance, what you want, need, expect and will do. 

I'd just mention calmly that this is a big event for you and you want her UNDIVIDED attention during this time. This means that in the event her parent's call, she will NOT take the call until after you have left the event. If she starts accepting these calls during your party, then "define whatever you plan to do" will happen. Please understand that I love you and I NEED to know that I matter to you.

Just my $0.02.
Lost


----------



## MarkTwain

Minncouple said:


> We have a big dinner/art auction this Friday night and I will see if the calls start coming in, I will take action.


No. You need to begin the action *before* the dinner. Telegraph your intentions now. Tell her that you have had enough of her mother ruining your evenings together and you are not having her ruin the dinner. Don't argue or discuss. Just tell it and keep it simple and sweet. Then at dinner, when it happens - make good your promise.

I must say, I would not put up with this for one minute longer than necessary. By putting up with it as long as you have, you are signalling your weakness to her. You will know when her respect for you has reached bottom when the sex stops. That's assuming you get a chance to have any will MIL ringing up every 5 minutes 

I also agree with the other poster who say don't speak to MIL. She will simply demonise you to your wife. Be firm with your wife and back her up in putting the MIL in her rightful place: At home, her home.


----------



## Minncouple

Thanks for your comments Mark, I appreciate them.

One funny thing regarding your comment "You will know when her respect for you has reached bottom when the sex stops", I have actually been the one who has stopped with the sex.

we were on a 2-3 timer per week deal for years, and the past 2 months I have lost interest in sex with her. I no longer initiate, or put the moves on her, simply don't care anymore. I would rather handle my urges myself if you know what I mean. we do have sex about once a week, but I could take it or leave it. The feeling that she puts zero effort into our marriage has just killed all desire I once had.


----------



## MarkTwain

Minncouple said:


> One funny thing regarding your comment "You will know when her respect for you has reached bottom when the sex stops", I have actually been the one who has stopped with the sex.
> 
> we were on a 2-3 timer per week deal for years, and the past 2 months I have lost interest in sex with her. I no longer initiate, or put the moves on her, simply don't care anymore. I would rather handle my urges myself if you know what I mean. we do have sex about once a week, but I could take it or leave it. The feeling that she puts zero effort into our marriage has just killed all desire I once had.


This is interesting becuase although I have found a lot of reasons why women go of sex, it's very hard to get the equivalent data for men! Ladies take note - this is how to put a man of sex - talk to the g-dam MIL night and day 

So has she complained about the lack of sex?

Incidentally, this could go one of two ways: She could either keep chasing you for sex (people often want what they can't have), or she might eventually get so resentful she will never want sex with you again. You really need to fix this. It's on your shoulders to supply the firmness this marriage needs. MIL is making a mess that needs clearing up. It's a cryin' shame!


----------



## Blanca

MarkTwain said:


> This is interesting becuase although I have found a lot of reasons why women go of sex, it's very hard to get the equivalent data for men! Ladies take note - this is how to put a man of sex -


i never knew men were emotional about sex. so much for stereotypes. i think we women always attribute lack of sex from our husbands to be a lack of physical desire when it could be emotional.


----------



## MarkTwain

Blanca said:


> i never knew men were emotional about sex. so much for stereotypes. i think we women always attribute lack of sex from our husbands to be a lack of physical desire when it could be emotional.


For the most part you are right 

But the men that don't want sex are mostly suffering some emotional problem. The very few (less than .1%) who have a hormone problem are usually to be found in clinics trying to get it fixed. The ones with emotional problems don't want it fixed. They don't want to solve their problems - that would make life too simple


----------



## Minncouple

Well, lets not make this more complicated than it already is. I woulnd't go as far as saying it's an emotional thing, more so it's just far to much work on my part to keep at it.

There is sexual desire, she has the body of a 25yo stripper and has won figure shows at age 40 while all the other girls were in thier 20's. She is a very attractive women.

Not a hormone thing either on my side. Being in bodybuilding and fitness I have blood work twice a year and all levels are right on.

I think it just comes down to it is simply too much drama and work on my part. There is simply a point where one throws in the towel. It's just not worth it anymore to me to always be the one trying and making the effort. I hate to use the rude old saying, but "for every hot piece of a_ _, out there, I will show you someone who is tired of hitting it". Crude sounding, but I can relate.

I simply want to feel like she puts forth an effort also. That, in return would make me feel like she cares. Now, with little or no effort from her, it appears that she coulnd't reallty care. So, how many times can getting a piece of a_ _ really make up for that feeling? Thus, I'd rather just handle my uges myself. Simply easier and less BS for me.

Mark, thanks for your comments, they seem to be helpful.


----------



## MarkTwain

Minncouple said:


> I simply want to feel like she puts forth an effort also. That, in return would make me feel like she cares. Now, with little or no effort from her, it appears that she coulnd't reallty care. So, how many times can getting a piece of a_ _ really make up for that feeling? Thus, I'd rather just handle my uges myself. Simply easier and less BS for me.


If you start standing up to her over her mom, she will hate you at first, but you know what? She will end up loving you for it in the end. You will be the hero.

It's so easy to turn a marriage around. It just takes one of you to be the adult. A lot of people think it takes two. It does not. Two people singing in unison comes only later. First one of you has to learn the tune to teach it to the other. And we teach by example.


----------



## Mrs Wifey

As someone who has lived through this (my MILs attachment to my hubby was absurd). I can give you my 2 cents for whatever it's worth.

MY MILs over-involvement started with wedding planning (we tried to address it politely) and then it continued into our early years of marriage. She called too often, had unplanned "pop over" visits and would actually call hubby if we hadn't seen her "for too long" to guilt him into coming over for dinner on Sundays. (btw.. her definition of not seeing him "frequently enough" was 1 week).

1) Do NOT confront your MIL. This is actually not an issue between you & MIL, but rather an issue between you & your wife. To confront MIL directly would honestly just make everyone mad and perhaps make it that much more difficult to ever resolve this.

2) Don't address this with your wife in the midst of one of these overbearing MIL moments. Meaning when she hangs up the phone don't pick a fight, when you see the bag of crap being handed over don't start to get pissed. Choose a non-confrontational time to talk. Maybe even on your Saturday date night.

Explain to her that you feel that as a married couple you need to get on the same page. You need to make each other a priority. That you don't expect her to cut off her own mother but that for you to feel important to her, she needs to set some boundaries. Ask her what she feels fair boundaries would be. Don't demand that she adhere to your boundaries. Set them together. Maybe agree for her to have dinner with her mom (w/o you every other week), or agree that if she calls while you're in the middle of something she calls her back later. And have her agree to have date night with you without the phone. Find some middle ground so that she doesn't feel she needs to chose between you, if she feels backed into a corner and feels like she's being forced to choose one of you she's going to be on the defensive.

At the end of the day, your wife needs to learn to balance the needs of your marriage with the relationship her mother. Your needs with MILs needs.. because both are important to your wife. Once she sees that perhaps you can compromise a bit instead of always telling her how much you dislike MILs involvement the more likely she'll be to compromise herself.

Also, and here's a big key component to finding a happy medium for hubby & me. I learned to pick my battles. MIL is overbearing, he needs to manage their relationship (not me), he needs to push back on occasion and he needs to say no to her sometimes. BUT, I need to not be bothered by everything she does. Once I decided to let some things go, and only address a couple of key items that I felt desperately needed to change, it was easier to let some other things roll off my back.

Good luck to you, I know how frustrating this can be!


The Hubby Diaries


----------



## Minncouple

Thanks for the reply wifey, appreciate it.

I have tried over the weekend to enforce some of the advices. My wife is simply the most stubborn person in the world. Her greatest trait is her giving personality, and yet that will be the one thing that takes her down. I simply can't take being numer 12 on her list anymore.

She feels it is simply me and my loner type lifestyle, and she has acceptable boundaires set. I feel like I am a actor in a movie in which she is the star role, it's not a 50/50 thing we have. I am not a loner, but know that I need my time and we need our time and have no problem tell family or friends we aren't available. She see's that as just being selfish, i see it as managing my/our time.

These calls and BS are driving me nuts. I hear half the conversation while my wife is on the phone and it's pretty much just jibber jabber and nothing important. So I ask, what is an acceptable amount of communication here? My wife has 2 sisters. My wife I know talks to her mom at least 4 times a day, and inlaw-zilla also calls one of the sisters also at least 2-3 times a day. So, is this excessive?

Even my niece who has recently moved into our town for college, has wrote off my wifes mother (her grandmother). At fiorst she would slend Sunday's at thier house doing laundry and hanging out. Well, after like 3-4 weekends and my mother inlaw nagging on her, she nolonger comes around. I spoke to her and she said Granny is nuts.

Sorry for the rant, I just cant get over this. I think that with time and this not changing, I will be making soem chnages in my life to get the happiness I deserve..

Thanks again for listing to me rant


----------



## MarkTwain

Minncouple said:


> Sorry for the rant, I just cant get over this. I think that with time and this not changing, I will be making soem chnages in my life to get the happiness I deserve..


In that case, what have you to lose?

tell her that you're not standing for it, and it's a line in the sand - in other words, a divorcing issue. But don't even contemplate doing this until you have grown a sufficiently large pair to say it and mean it and feel it.

I know it's hard, but it's simply the price of being a man. Be thankful you weren't born a woman, they have to go through child birth fer criin' out loud. It's a close call, but I think we got the better deal


----------

