# In desperate need of advice



## jaded00 (Aug 31, 2013)

Don't know where to turn or who to talk to but I'm so confused about my marriage. Met H when I was 17, engaged at 21 and married at 25, now 29. Up until we got married I never doubted that he was the one. But within 6 months of getting married I'd had an affair (had never done anything like that before)- felt guilty after and was determined I would never do anything like it again as I was convinced I didn't want to lose H- he never found out about it. 

All was well until this last year- I lost my job, H very supportive but my confidence took a nose dive, I lost weight which made me feel better about myself and then I met someone else, online, we texted for a few months and I eventually met up with him last week and slept with him. I text him every day- he thinks I'm divorced. I don't really see a future with this guy as he lives so far away and I'm not sure how he feels about me. I do know that I would meet up with him again and I know this isn't fair on H. Again he doesn't know about it. 

H isn't a bad husband- he's loving and caring but I feel there isn't a huge amount of passion and at nearly 30 I'm at the point where I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I now have a new job (at H's place of work), recently bought a big expensive house, I want children but health issues may cause problems here. All my life I've tried to live up to the expectations of others and now I find myself not knowing who I am or what I want. I know I sound completely selfish and I am- I just don't know what to do. Leaving H would devastate him and it frightens me to think of not being with him- he's all I've know my adult life. But if I can cheat on him twice I'm obviously not fulfilled in some way. I need some help please- don't know where to turn.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Good that you're honest, but I'm afraid there a number of things not quite right about this picture you've painted of you and your marriage. Great marriages are made, not found. You have made the admittedly wrong choice twice to have an extra-marital affair, and are asking on what to do. People can give you their opinion, but would that sway you into reassessing your life? Would you change your ways if you we're to be told you have a blessed thing in your marriage already and all you have to do is invest into it? - at least as much time and energy as you have in extra-marital activities. 

I personally don't want to condemn you, although I certainly don't condone your approach. Retrieve the passion you feel you have lost by putting time, love and care into your marriage - begin with date nights, communicate often and deeply, consciously avoid the temptation to 'seek' your pleasures elsewhere - talk about your needs and actually ask them of your husband. Read the book 'His needs, her needs' and devote time together to go through the studies and really discuss what each of you desire out of your marriage. Then there is less room for thoughts of affairs to creep in.


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## skb (Dec 1, 2012)

The affairs will continue. At some point your husband may catch you in the act but go ahead and do him a favor and file for divorce. The longer you wait to file the more it will hurt him. It's obvious you;ve lost your feelings for your husband. There is no reason to continue a your charade.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Jaded

You need to turn in one direction.

Turn into the mirror and look into it.

You will see the problem staring right back at you.

Affairs will not fix what is wrong with you. Neither will it fix your marriage which you are destroying with these horrible decisions of yours.

What you need to do is meet with a good psychiatrist to get to the root of your issues.

You also need to come clean to your H about both Affairs.

So start acting like a grownup and dealing with your issues. Start being honest with your H about your feelings.

He might want to stay and work with you, he might not. But at least give him the truth so he can make a good decision.

You two have known each other a long time. I assume you were friends in the beginning. Start being his friend even if you cannot be his wife any longer......

Follow these simple rules.

1. Be honest with everyone including yourself.
2. Get professional help for your issues.
3. Confide in your H and family so they can support you.

And do not bring any children into your world until your issues and marriage is straightened out.

Be brave, be honest and good luck.

Keep us posted.

HM64


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Couldn't agree more with Weathered's response above.

I really think you are taking the wrong approach here. Perhaps there is more to the story than what you have told (isn't there always? haha) but there aren't many scenarios we here can probably imagine where committing an affair is the right and sane choice. In your current state of mind (we call it an "affair cloud"), you'll look back on your relationship and see it in a very negatively skewed way. Maybe thinking you love him but aren't "IN" love with him. Or asking yourself if you were too young to get together. Maybe you wonder if you chose the wrong man. You'll find yourself coming up with new ways to rationalize decisions or convince yourself something isn't wrong when it is. 

The 2nd affair for instance. I doubt it started with you deciding one day, "Gosh I'd really like to have an affair. That would be just awesome." and then methodically began seeking out another man. I'm sure it started out very innocently, and a very long string of excuses, rationalizations, white lies and then big bold lies, to yourself mostly but others as well, you found yourself in bed with another man. It makes you question a lot of things, and no one every intends for these things to happen from the onset.

I think what you'll find here though is the general opinion that you really owe your husband the truth, and if he'll give you another chance, to either take that opportunity to commit fully to the relationship, or to walk away instead if you can't bring yourself to do so. By not confessing to him, you are essentially using him I'm afraid.

Do keep us posted, most of us are pretty nice people!


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