# Is a lack of sex damaging to the relationship?



## Macca86 (Mar 9, 2010)

Hello

So first some background... I am mid 20s and have been with this girl for 5 years, married for 3 and we were friends for a long time before that.

For the first 18 months of our relationship we probably had sex just about every day then it kind of died down to maybe a few times a week.

I must admit I did expect that the frequency would die down.

But ever since we got married we have maybe had sex once or twice a month. It is usually (not always) quite passionless on her part, almost as if it is a chore (it was not like that before). For example this year I would say we have had sex 5 times and that was probably twice on two separate weekends and once during the week sometime.

Anyway, over the last 6 months I have found my self not even wanting to initiate sex just for the sake of having sex because it is simply no longer what it used to be. 

There has been times during this last 6 months where it was good for maybe a few days (the sex and frequency of) and during those few days our relationship seems good, everyone is happy, we have fun, we enjoy each others company.

But outside those times it just feels like we are two people living together.

The other night I 'joked' that we rarely have sex and she said something along the lines of 'you cant be serious? you really think that dont you?' I was tired and didnt want to argue so I said of course not but she knows that wasnt true.

Anyway....

I guess the point of this wall of text, is simple, is sex the glue that holds the relationship together? Is that normal?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lack of sex when one person really wants it and the other person doesn't care to make the effort creates a LOT of unhappiness over time. 

When a woman is REALLY into a guy powerful forces kick in:
- She feels more desire and
- Even when she isn't feeling lust, she IS feeling the desire to please him/bond him to her so she has sex with him
- Even lacking lust it makes her happy to make him happy

When a woman isn't that into a guy - she doesn't make the effort to please him sexually both in quantity and quality.





Macca86 said:


> Hello
> 
> So first some background... I am mid 20s and have been with this girl for 5 years, married for 3 and we were friends for a long time before that.
> 
> ...


----------



## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

Yes, lack of sex is absolutely damaging. Take some time to read all the "sexless" stories on these forums. Your wife needs to know that if she continues to be selfish, she will drive you away. (but I wouldn't put it to her that way unless you like sleeping on the sofa )

You also need to make sure you aren't being selfish in return. She will be more likely to want to have sex with you if you tell her that you love her, that you think she is beautiful and sexy, that you admire x, y & Z about her. Thank her for small gestures and mundane tasks. Talk with her often about your dreams and fears. Cuddle with no expectations of sex. Do things together. 

Be a little selfless for a while and focus on her - see if that doesn't reignite her desire.


----------



## Macca86 (Mar 9, 2010)

Interesting points.

I guess the part that bothers me most is that I fear that if I bring this up in any shape or form it will just lead to sex for 'the sake of doing it'.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yup. . .I am not sure what it is with women and why when that wedding ring comes on, the sex frequency stops but it's a serious fear of mine about getting remarried.

I wish I had an explanation for you but this is common. I wish some women would talk openly about it and I am sorry. . .knowing there are very sexual women here. . .I just don't buy the "house is dirty", "the laundry needs done", or the "toddler was fussy today" stories anymore like I used to.

Guess what? The house is always a little bit of a mess, toddlers are always fussy and there is always laundry to be done.

While I can accept household disorder or life disorder driving down libido a little bit, honestly, I think this has become an "Oprah Club" misdirection for guys/husbands - a subtle way to use sex as a "commodity" to get you do things. I know it worked on me. . .the problem was I cooked, cleaned toilets, refridgerators, pantries, mopped the floor, scrubbed the bathroom tubs and showers, paid bills, took kids to doctor/dentists and never got the expected sex.

Ask her and just be on guard for the "Oprah answer."


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> (snip)
> When a woman is REALLY into a guy powerful forces kick in:
> - She feels more desire and
> - *Even when she isn't feeling lust, she IS feeling the desire to please him/bond him to her so she has sex with him*
> ...





unloved said:


> (snip)
> You also need to make sure you aren't being selfish in return. She will be more likely to want to have sex with you if you tell her that you love her, that you think she is beautiful and sexy, that you admire x, y & Z about her. Thank her for small gestures and mundane tasks. Talk with her often about your dreams and fears. *Cuddle with no expectations of sex*. Do things together.
> Be a little selfless *for a while *and focus on her - see if that doesn't reignite her desire.





Scannerguard said:


> (snip)........ the "Oprah answer."


Ok from my perspective: sure women (men for that matter) can sometimes be accused of giving a psychobabble talk show response, but essentially 'life' can and does get in the way, although some would say you have to LET it get in the way for it to make any difference. 
I think unloved's point about cuddling with no expectations of sex, talking, etc. is key. The phrase 'for a while' could do with some amplification, though.......I suspect a woman might think 'for a while' could be anything from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, while a guy might think an hour would do the trick. Wrong. 
As for MEM11363's little list, well fair enough it might seem that way on the surface, IF there aren't any harsh words, IF there's never any criticism, IF she can turn her heart/emotions off in order to fulfil her man's physical needs........


----------



## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

Sex is important but the truth of the matter is that women and men see sex differently (and get aroused differently - men its more physical and for women its more mental).... could there be a reason that she doesnt seem as interested? It could even be something as simple as the time of day. Unfortuneatley everyday life sometimes gets in the way. It could just be her energy level.... my husband and I had the same problem until we realized that we just needed to alter our timing (and his approach a little bit) in order to get things going again.... It never seems to work out for us at bedtime but when 5 pm rolls around and he gives me that soft little kiss just under my ear, we end up behaving like we used to when we were first together.

There may be reasons she is feeling withdrawn or dispassionate that have nothing to do with you or her love or desire for you. My bet is she is feeling mentally/physically/emotinally worn down from something.... Talk to her - ask her if she needs anything, dont make it about sex. All us women really want is to feel appreciated and heard.... at least me anyways, when my mind is all consumed with everyday things sex just gets pushed to the end of the list... Find a way to help your wife with her "list" and maybe the sex wont feel so much like she is performing a "chore".... Good Luck


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

pokergirl007 said:


> Sex is important but the truth of the matter is that *women and men see sex differently *(and get aroused differently - men its more physical and for *women its more mental*).... could there be *a reason that she doesnt seem as interested?* It could even be something as simple as the time of day. Unfortuneatley *everyday life sometimes gets in the way*. It could just be her energy level.... my husband and I had the same problem until we realized that we just needed to alter our timing (and *his approach a little bit*) in order to get things going again.... It never seems to work out for us at bedtime but when 5 pm rolls around and he gives me that soft little kiss just under my ear, we end up behaving like we used to when we were first together.
> 
> There may be reasons she is feeling withdrawn or dispassionate that have nothing to do with you or her love or desire for you. My bet is she is feeling mentally/physically/emotinally worn down from something.... Talk to her - ask her if she needs anything, dont make it about sex. *All us women really want is to feel appreciated and heard*.... at least me anyways, when my mind is all consumed with everyday things sex just gets pushed to the end of the list... Find a way to help your wife with her "list" and maybe the sex wont feel so much like she is performing a "chore".... Good Luck


Sounds oh so similar to my feelings; Pretty please what do you mean by altering his approach a bit.... I could do with giving my OH some pointers!!!


----------



## crystalbride (Mar 17, 2010)

Hi, this normally happens when wife is feeling resentment towards husband. the reasons for the resentment could be any and many really...in my own experience i would suggest if husband wants more lovemaking with his wife, that he would be clean and ready at all times for that spontaneous time because this is important..planning is not always sexy...nor is the pressure..the more complaining to the wife the more she doesnt want to....thats my opinion anyway..


----------



## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

On the flip side to Crystal, this can also be a hormonal imbalance that causes the drop in sex drive. Did she start any kind of medication when the libido seemed to drop off? Birth Control, Depression meds etc could all have an impact on this.

An honest discussion about frequency with your wife might help. She may be able to shed some light on why her drive is lower and/or she may be willing to make more effort to have it more frequently. It certainly helped when I spoke with my wife about it. She's going through some issues with her 'girly parts' at the moment, which is why it got quite infrequent, but after a discussion she's at least up to helping release my tension even if she's not in the mood for reciprocation (which we must be willing to dole out too!)


----------



## Macca86 (Mar 9, 2010)

I can't really think of any medical reason why she might have a low(er) sex drive.

Also, I dont by this 'life gets in the way' crap, sure we all get busy and tired etc - but that gets tossed around as an excuse waaaay to often.

I would normally get home from work around 6pm, she gets home from work at more like 4pm, so she has had time to relax, kick up the feet etc. Then its basically dinner time.

Come time that we head off to bed, she is always too tired or has to get up early in the morning etc.

Then of course there is the times she wanted sex but I didnt which roughly translates to she wanted to have sex but didnt make that clear.

I dont know, I suppose more frustrating than not having sex for what ever reason is the fact that it appears to have an adverse effect on your relationship.


----------



## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

Have sex before dinner.... work up an appetite lol.... My H and I had problems connecting physically when it was time for bed... but 5 pm is working pretty well


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Madimoff,
Your wording makes me wonder if you missed the real theme here. 

I truly put my wife first - I try to do all the things that make her happy. And I am pretty good at them. And it is also true that we have conflict as we are both strong willed. We do not use profanity with each other - I don't say hateful things about her as a person - I will however use a very sharp tone of voice and say "such a such is not acceptable to me and I would not do it to you". And sometimes we disagree and it takes a day or two for one of us to decide to make peace. 

My wife - knows that sex is a WAY higher priority to me than it is to her. So she makes it a very high priority solely for ME. 

After we started a sexual relationship - which was in our mid twenties - if she had EVER said she expected WEEKS of talking / cuddling between bouts of sex - I simply never would have married her. If she had been like that - it would not make her a bad person - just not someone I could be married to. I happily give a lot in my marriage - and in exchange - there is this one thing I am totally dependent on my wife for. And she really gets it. With the huge commitment of celibacy comes an equally large obligation and responsibility to please your partner. 

And I also love all the non sexual things about her. AND now at 47 I am happy to lie in bed and talk and not have sex for a day or two because my testosterone levels are way way lower. But a woman who starves her man of sex simply isn't that into him. It really is that simple. 

As for LIFE happening - LOL - that is good. Thing is - ANYTHING that is truly a priority in your life you can make an hour for it 3-4-5-6 times a week. 

Right now my wife's libido is zero - truly zero. Has been for almost two months. Why does she make the effort to connect with me twice a week or so? Because she is truly deeply into me. Because it is her JOB to make sure I feel loved. Just like I kept working many times because it was MY job to make sure she and the kids had no financial stress. 

She knows I love her - she knows that I am making an effort to have less sex with her. She also knows that I am NOT myself after day 5 - 5th day in a row without. When first married she would laugh and say I was edgy after missing ONE night. 

And I would shrug and say - all that testosterone has a benefit and a cost. If you wanted a laid back guy - you had plenty of choices.




madimoff said:


> Ok from my perspective: sure women (men for that matter) can sometimes be accused of giving a psychobabble talk show response, but essentially 'life' can and does get in the way, although some would say you have to LET it get in the way for it to make any difference.
> I think unloved's point about cuddling with no expectations of sex, talking, etc. is key. The phrase 'for a while' could do with some amplification, though.......I suspect a woman might think 'for a while' could be anything from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, while a guy might think an hour would do the trick. Wrong.
> As for MEM11363's little list, well fair enough it might seem that way on the surface, IF there aren't any harsh words, IF there's never any criticism, IF she can turn her heart/emotions off in order to fulfil her man's physical needs........


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> Yup. . .I am not sure what it is with women and why when that wedding ring comes on, the sex frequency stops but it's a serious fear of mine about getting remarried.
> 
> I wish I had an explanation for you but this is common. I wish some women would talk openly about it and I am sorry. . .knowing there are very sexual women here. . .I just don't buy the "house is dirty", "the laundry needs done", or the "toddler was fussy today" stories anymore like I used to.
> 
> ...


I am a woman, and I have to agree with scannerguard. Seems that most women are like this.... they give women like me a very difficult position when it comes to marriage, as I actually like sex and am married to someone that is the epitome of what this post is about... he wont have sex if I say something off, cant get to the lauandry in full, leave a dish in the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher.... the same things your wife does to you.

The bad thing is there IS no answer other than that is how she is unless x, y and z are met. IT stinks! One think I have going for me is since Im an at home mom... I can help myself out during the day when he is at work and kids are at school... except darn laundry isnt done bc that gets left undone while Im in xtacy... no concern bc I got taken care of by ME

This is the very reason men in the 40-50's (probably throughout history) have had affairs. I so understand why now:rofl:


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

To add... I think if any of us ends up in divorce over this... and we go on match.com or something... we should explicitly state want someone who wants sex everyday, or is at least open to it. Controlling, manipulative individuals need not apply


----------



## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

toolate said:


> To add... I think if any of us ends up in divorce over this... and we go on match.com or something... we should explicitly state want someone who wants sex everyday, or is at least open to it. Controlling, manipulative individuals need not apply


:smthumbup:

I would think one would get alot of responses with that description.


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> (snip)
> 
> She knows I love her - she knows that I am making an effort to have less sex with her. She also knows that I am NOT myself after day 5 - 5th day in a row without. When first married she would laugh and say I was edgy after missing ONE night.
> 
> And I would shrug and say - all that testosterone has a benefit and a cost. If you wanted a laid back guy - you had plenty of choices.


I don't think I missed the theme, I tried to explore a specific aspect of how men & women might view approaches to sex.... however sure, I accept in my relationship at present with so much friction my view of lovemaking as being easypeasy to start & resume is plain non-existent. I can't get to grips with your use of the word Job in sexual terms (nor particularly that it would be your job to provide finance, but hey....) however I understand the gist of most of the rest of your post. I stick by the notion that for a woman, disagreement can make quite a difference to how they feel mentally with regard to wanting to make love. (may not be relevant to OP of course)
final note: your last line could have been written by my OH


----------



## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

madimoff said:


> I don't think I missed the theme, I tried to explore a specific aspect of how men & women might view approaches to sex.... however sure, I accept in my relationship at present with so much friction my view of lovemaking as being easypeasy to start & resume is plain non-existent. I can't get to grips with your use of the word Job in sexual terms (nor particularly that it would be your job to provide finance, but hey....) however I understand the gist of most of the rest of your post. I stick by the notion that for a woman, disagreement can make quite a difference to how they feel mentally with regard to wanting to make love. (may not be relevant to OP of course)
> final note: your last line could have been written by my OH


The simple fact of the matter is that it REALLY IS each spouse's "job" to meet one-anothers' needs. You can argue that meeting needs in a marriage is not a job, but my response would always be, "how's that working for you. It took me 20 and a half years of marriage to figure this out, but once I did my relationship with my wife has take an immediate and amazing turn for the better. The key is to *hold* yourself and your spouse to an *equally high standard* in this area (which might take more courage, discipline, selflessness & passion than many people have or are willing to give to a marriage). It really is that simple.....however it becomes a complex topic from there as the process of "discovery" is a relatively easy one compared to developing the skill sets to put it into (and keep it into) action. 

I'm still trying to develop the skills, but at least I'm now working with a better map than I used for the first 20+ years.

EDIT: To address the basic question of the OP, I would say that many marital problems could be solved/avoided by simply setting the standard of the couple DECIDING that they would always have sex twice per week minimum. More if mutually desired, but never less. If you think about it, couples would have to constantly be working upon almost every fundamental aspect of their relationship in order to even stand to keep consistent at 2x per week or more. As someone pointed out somewhere her before, lack of sex is not usually the problem, but a symptom of a deeper problem/problems.


----------



## RunnerGirl (Feb 20, 2010)

Yes. Anything lacking in a marriage is damaging. If one partner wants sex more than the other, and talking about it does not result in a satisfactory fix, it is very damaging.


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Umm I'm not reading anything but thread title.

This is like asking do lack of wheel(s) makes car un-drivable
....Obviously, its an integral part OF relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Yup. . .I am not sure what it is with women and why when that wedding ring comes on, the sex frequency stops but it's a serious fear of mine about getting remarried.
> 
> I wish I had an explanation for you but this is common. I wish some women would talk openly about it and I am sorry. . .knowing there are very sexual women here. . .I just don't buy the "house is dirty", "the laundry needs done", or the "toddler was fussy today" stories anymore like I used to.
> 
> ...



haha i have never used an excuse about the house being a mess as not wanting sex, i dont get how that kind of stuff can have anything to do with sex. In saying that thou I have not slept with my husband for a couple of months  but i dont use excuses like that. I have a high sexdrive but its just not for him anymore


----------



## destinygirl (Mar 7, 2010)

Well, I wondered the same thing...and I came to the conclusion that sex doesn't neccessarily GLUE a relationship together, but if you're not having any kind of intimacy, including sex, then you're just more like friends. What's the difference, really?

This is a good article that talks about '5 reasons why women shouldn't deprive their man of sex':

5 Reasons Why Women Shouldn’t Deprive their Man of Sex :The Feminine Woman

It talks about sex and relationships there. Hope this helps.


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

In a word yes. However, I would say sex is just one item that a mate will use in determining if a match is suitable or satisfying. For me it is a deal breaker, Stephen Hawking may feel differently. It doesn't matter that people disagree, only that partners agree. 

What I'm saying, is ideally a relationship is evenly yoked in this regard. It seems I have read one thousand or so posts on TAM where the partner with the low sex drive controls the tempo of the relationship and that's not right.

I will definitely do a better job of "vetting" my next wife. If only I knew at 18 what I now know at 40. Youth may be wasted on the young, but wisdom is certainly wasted on the old. 

LIL


----------



## mugglemom (Nov 15, 2009)

RunnerGirl said:


> Yes. Anything lacking in a marriage is damaging. If one partner wants sex more than the other, and talking about it does not result in a satisfactory fix, it is very damaging.


I completely agree. It's caused huge issues in my marriage, though it appears I'm the only one that sees it.:scratchhead: It amazes me that my husband doesn't seem to notice the big difference between a happy and sexually satisified wife and where we are now.


----------



## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Just wondering if you have tried maybe being/doing something romantic for her just for the hell of it? And while you are being romantic, not bring up sex at all, or lead her to believe thats ur motive? 
If u already answered this sry, i didnt read the entire thread, but sometimes you have to do something out of the ordinary- or a nice gesture and it will bring back those feelings that she had in the beginning.....
just an idea..........


----------



## Anancletos (May 7, 2010)

I think that it is a damaging thing as well. For sure, sex is not THE reason why you get married, but it just belongs there. If you love each other you will eventually end up having sex.  It's about being emotionally and physically close. 
Men are usually more interested in the physical part and women maybe need the emotional part more often. It's a fine balancing act. Sadly enough, quite often it does not work out and you're out of balance. If it stays out of balance for too long, it sure is going to damage your relationship. 
Getting the situation back to normal is the challenge...


----------



## helixxer20 (Mar 12, 2013)

A lot of woman like variety in the bedroom. Routines sexually can get very boring to them, and myself. Taking control sexually is also a turn on for a lot of woman. Instead of asking just take control, and show her u can plz her without her doing anything. If she says no, I am not in the mood. Don't get mad and don't automatically think she is not attracted to u. Getting mad just pressures her which will turn her off as well. The minute she senses insecurity or pressure u will get less sex then u had to begin with. She will most likely distance herself if either of these behaviors continues. That can turn into a vicious cycle so try not start it. Any type of non sexual stress a woman has, will reflect in her drive to sleep with u. Woman need more than just physical attraction to maintain sexual interest. Romance helps, light candles take her out to eat, be confident, be a partner, and its very important show interest in what she is doing in her life. Embrace her!!


----------



## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

If you two don't even have kids yet and there's no sex, THAT'S BAD. If you eventually have a child with her, your sex life will be dead completely.

Sex is important in a marriage. If there is none, you're just roommates. If you like that arrangement, then go for it. If you don't, you have to put your foot down and demand it. Manning up would help her desire you more as well.


----------



## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

I want to say that if you don't have kids then run from that marriage.

I liked in other thread when a wife gave her husband two business cards to call. One with a marriage counselor and one with a divorce attorney.

If you don't do anything it will get worse. And the marriage will fail.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sex/Making Love....for me...is the highest & most rewarding pleasurable form of emotional bonding...









If it was taken from my marriage, I would slowly wither...and I would be looking over the fence...This is just being honest.. if Intercourse was no longer possible, there are other ways to express your love & enjoyment of each others bodies...some things you just *NEED* for happiness & fulfillment. 

I do view it as the glue that holds so much of a marriage together... It may be less than 10% of a marriage but when missing, it FEELS like 90%.

I also wouldn't be able to deal with a partner lacking desire or even the slightest form of Sex = taking out the garbage, something to "get over with" just to please me. This would rip the Joy from my life & I'd turn into one of these nasty women where guys make jokes that..."she needs Laid".


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I think it can be damaging, but so can lack of emotional connections with ones spouse that help to create the passion and love for one another that help create a intimate atmosphere for sex to begin with.

Also, lots of things can be damaging to a marriage.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Thread started back in March 2010. Resurrected to suck in the innocent...


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Im bad about not checking dates of posts! :banghead:


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Isn't that like the ol' bait and switch?

Lots of crazy sex while dating, then get married and its 1 - 2x month and she considers it a chore now?

My theory is while you are dating, she didn't have you, thus the every day crazy sex, wanting what she doesn't have. Then after you got married, she now has you and the chase is over, thus no more need to have sex like before, get comfy and it doesn't matter much anymore.

Yet you want the same crazy and amount of sex like before you got married to her.

The sex should be the same before and after getting married. Kids are no excuse either. They go out to a friends house, or you get a baby sitter, bam, sexy time.

So the lack of sex is damaging to any marriage because there is no physical and emotional closeness going on. Usually a LD person would say sex isn't as important and you should love me for me, etc.


----------



## 63Vino37876 (Mar 24, 2017)

If you don't have any kids then run. Get out of that relationship fast. It will not get any better it will only get worse. Especially if your both in your twenties. You be be much happier being single and dating. Your sex life will also be much better being single. You even said it your self that the sex was great while you were single and then died after you said I do. This has happened to me and I have seen this happen to many of my friends. It's easier and cheaper to be single and if the sex dies off you can leave. The sooner you leave and get out of that sexless marriage the happier you will be.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Zombie Thread.


----------

