# Psychology of AP



## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Apologies if this has been raised on this forum a million times before but for those of us who’ve been left for another person, I just can help but wonder what makes a person choose a married person, with children, someone older (H 46, his AP 28) when presumably there are numerous unmarried people available. Why would she prefer my H to a single guy? 

I don’t get it and can’t relate to it. Before I married, I never felt attracted to a taken man - they’re not available, end of story. Let’s go for someone who’s free. 

I’ve heard the saying that you can’t help who you fall in love with but in my experience that's nonsense. 

I’m actually doing brilliantly and have just bought myself a new pet ... I don’t waste time asking or caring about H and his gf but my friend and I were discussing this earlier and she said you don’t seem bitter at all but that woman has hurt an innocent person and it has got me thinking.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Delilah1971 said:


> Why would she prefer my H to a single guy?


I think part of the reason is "one-up-manship".... some people want to "win", want to prove they are good enough to "steal" a man/woman from another....



Delilah1971 said:


> I’ve heard the saying that you can’t help who you fall in love with but in my experience that's nonsense.


I think your experience has brought you wisdom. Total hogwash. It's also a falsehood that we "fall" in love. We CHOOSE to love. We don't necessarily choose infatuation, or choose who we are attracted to. But we all choose to be ruled by the hormones, or not.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Is he unbelievably, incredibly attractive? Does he have a better than average, really stellar personality?

Failing those two factors, $$$$$$.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Delilah1971 said:


> Apologies if this has been raised on this forum a million times before but for those of us who’ve been left for another person, I just can help but wonder what makes a person choose a married person, with children, someone older (H 46, his AP 28) when presumably there are numerous unmarried people available. Why would she prefer my H to a single guy?
> 
> I don’t get it and can’t relate to it. Before I married, I never felt attracted to a taken man - they’re not available, end of story. Let’s go for someone who’s free.
> 
> ...


Just one guy's experience:

I've been married twice. On both occasions, I noticed that I got a hit on a lot more when I put those rings on than when I didn't have one on. My suspicion is that for some women, being taken by another person implies a level of desirability. 

On the other hand, I've spoken to a couple of guys that spent some time only dating married women - it was so that they never had to have any kind of commitment, just sex.

I'm sure it happens with the genders reversed, as well.


----------



## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

He’s nice looking, kind, always in work but not wealthy, a great guy really (putting recent events aside). I mean, obviously I married him but that began because he was available as was I. 

I do agree with the hormones thing, I’d have loved tons of children for instance but we made a decision not to have more than we could support. 

Are some people just really not able to cope with not having exactly what they desire? Or think they desire?

I guess I don’t know what he’s been telling her but I know for sure that she knows he’s married with children...


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

There's alot to say about, wanting!! But also what you can't have. And the gullible self-esteem of both sexes but forbidden fruit has it's own strength. All logic goes out the window like the wind blowing. Chance by just the possibility of something exciting and new. 

But really it takes a person of low to no morals and the other just checking out how far it can go then it is no holds barred.


----------



## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Here’s the odd thing about it, H accused me of flirty behaviour and def had issues around jealously. I read something the other day about retroactive jealousy (a term I was previously unfamiliar with) and my H certainly had that. For instance he once went away for a weekend overseas to party, we had workmen doing a job at our house and he said he had it in his head that I was going to sleep with them. I couldn’t believe my ears. 

And yet it HE who’s had an affair (despite what he says, I know he did) and left me. 

It’s like entering another dimension, isn’t it? Crazytown!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That’s what cheaters do. They project their behavior onto their spouse. He was not trustworthy and knew it so he decided you were equally as untrustworthy. Simple.


----------



## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

So scary to think that you know someone.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

More likely he chose her, pursued her, gave her a bunch of lies and she liked it. There may have been some point where it could have gone either way like they had good chemistry and stuff but they both decided to continue down the dark path. 

I think we can't choose who we are attracted to but we can choose what we do with that attraction. 

It's not really much more deep then that. 

And yes he was jealous because he was projecting his behavior to you.

I got to ask though, what husband goes away overseas to a party for the weekend? That already sounds suspect.


----------



## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Delilah1971 said:


> So scary to think that you know someone.


Betrayal of trust has to be one of the worst things I have ever gone through.

It really messed with my perception of reality. 

I'm sorry you have had to go through this.


----------



## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Oh he always wanted to be doing these fun things. Concerts, nights out, outdoor activities. I didn’t mind being at home with the children and I never doubted he was faithful to me but I do wonder now. 

A couple of friends have always said to me that he does what he wants, anyway. Even his own sister told me in the past that I should do and have things I’d like too - because he does. 

It’s been almost a year and finally I’m feeling angry - at myself mostly for thinking this was normal.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Delilah1971 said:


> It’s been almost a year and finally I’m feeling angry - at myself mostly for thinking this was normal.


Sounds like you are thinking right, now.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Delilah1971 said:


> Oh he always wanted to be doing these fun things. Concerts, nights out, outdoor activities. I didn’t mind being at home with the children and I never doubted he was faithful to me but I do wonder now.
> 
> A couple of friends have always said to me that he does what he wants, anyway. Even his own sister told me in the past that I should do and have things I’d like too - because he does.
> 
> It’s been almost a year and finally I’m feeling angry - at myself mostly for thinking this was normal.


So a question for you.

If a year ago a friend of yours asked you if you were happily married, how would you have answered? Followed up with, a year ago, if a friend of your husband had asked him if he was happily married, how would he have answered? 

I've brought this up before. The issue is, how many people think only of themselves when asked about the state of their marriage? Without giving thought to how their spouse would answer the same question to a good friend? 

Just wondering how often this notion of being "blind sided" is really without warning or signs?


----------

