# What do I do? I need separation



## Kukush (May 4, 2012)

First of all thank you for reading my post.

When I was high school (20 years back) I had very humble and blessed boyfriend that we were so in love... then he went to abroad for further education. We were in contact by phone and letters. I waited him for 7 years then for some reason all of a sudden he got married. As I was so in love i didn't blame him cos due to the long distance and long year people mind change.

I started my new life and I got a date he seemed to me good thought he is 5 years younger than me and after dating for 2 years we decided to get married. 10 days before our wedding day i discovered that he was dating another girl... i stopped every thing i mean preparation stuffs for the wedding and i told him i know every thing that he is dating and he said she insisted him so some times he drink coffee with her... he cried and with so many beginnings and he promised it won't happen again i said ok and we got married. (we don't have marriage certificate though).

After we get in to our home. We both work at the same hour and he started to come late night he chills out with his friends. But me, i come directly from office to home cook and wait for him alone. I get so board and told him and asked him why he is coming so late leaving me alone in that house and he said why don't i chill with my friends like him and told me its his right to chill out any time he likes. Here i didn't say he can not chill but he has to be with me too... specially i was newly wed.

After a year, i got prego and he was not happy at all abused me in words, he don't take care of me stuff... i run out to my mom... He came family house and cried to take me home back and i did. Generally speaking i was not really happy always dispute.... and I got my first baby unfortunately didn't live for long (1 month only). One day i got the chance to enter to his email and got some email correspondences with a girl living abroad.... tells her she is gorgeous, misses her stuff... I was shocked and he shouted on me saying that who gave me the right to hack in his email.... Excuse me i am your wife i said... and told him i have enough with him i want to go and told him to leave me alone he can go any where he wants. That night again he started to cry... begging all through night it will not happen again....I said no.... he hardly asked for forgiveness.... finally i was tired and said this is the final so i forgive him... after a year i got prego still again when i tell him baby is on the way.. he was like why? and he was not happy. At this time i had to be strong and live my life seriously i mean what ever he does i don't care i hated to dispute. I got baby boy. After 2 years again got prego i told him he was not again happy complaining all the time i do it alone. I got baby girl now they are 5 and 3. His connection with my family is fake he doesn't like them... he even pick a phone to say hi to my mom or at least he don't call for holidays which i do. Basically i am so fine with his family. 

Currently, our situation is like i am fade up of every thing like what he is doing for me all these year is unfair. Even now every Fridays and Saturdays he leave us to movie or sauna bath with his friends after late night.. and he comes back after midnight. He knows from face that i am not happy by he is going out at that time but he does it every weekend nights. Here, my sex life is dead i just go for him only... but last week i was angry that he came sooo late and told him i am not in a mood to have sex... i never said that... i swear i hate to do it with him. We are now at the age of me 40 and him 35.

Now i am in trouble I found my love after 20 years 3 months ago. Day by day i re-fall in love with him as he was berried in side me.... i am soooooooo happy when i talk to him... i miss him i forgive him for his disappearance leaving me and got married to another one. I feel like i want to spend the rest of my life with him. He has also bad marriage as i have and not happy. Basically he found me by coming to my country only over the phone and he gets back his home. After that we write each other and call. As I am fade up of my current marriage and feel unloved, disrespect, and unappreciated for such a long time... i let happen every thing and i don't feel guilty for a second... My plan is to go to his place and live with my loved one.

People am i doing wrong?? What do i do?? I don't even know what to tell him i hate if he cries again and i don't want to live with him any more.


PS. English is my second language sorry if you are not able to understand in some points.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You are not in a good marriage and you should divorce your husband. He does not respect you and you do not seem to be fulfilled or happy in this relationship. You have asked him repeatedly to consider your feelings and he has simply brushed them aside. It's not going to work. Split up.

That, however, does NOT give you an excuse for cheating. You are having an affair with a married man. Shame on you. It doesn't matter if once upon a time you two were in love. He is married to someone else and you need to back off and stop talking to him. Your relationship with him is a VERY BAD IDEA. There are reasons it didn't work in the past. He's only fooling around with you now because it's new and convenient and thrilling for him. You're being used. You have no way of really knowing whether he is telling the truth about his marriage and you shouldn't be interfering anyway.How can you trust being with someone who is a cheater? You're cheating, too. Stop contacting this other guy. He's your EX and you should leave him in the past. 

What you should do, instead, is leave both men and try to start a fresh life with your children. After all your divorce papers are finalized and you have figured out why you have allowed yourself to be in this situation and can be strong enough to make better choices (we all make mistakes, but you can choose to stop making these mistakes while you have a chance at improving your life)., you should try to start a relationship with someone WHO IS NOT MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!

Your marriage sucks (as you describe it). You should leave it. That doesn't give you a free pass to ruin someone else's marriage, just because that marriage is possibly on the rocks. Stop being selfish and look objectively at what you are doing. No one on this site is going to give you permission to continue your affair. You'll do what you want, anyway, but hopefully you'll think about this before you act.


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## Kukush (May 4, 2012)

moxy said:


> You are not in a good marriage and you should divorce your husband. He does not respect you and you do not seem to be fulfilled or happy in this relationship. You have asked him repeatedly to consider your feelings and he has simply brushed them aside. It's not going to work. Split up.
> 
> That, however, does NOT give you an excuse for cheating. You are having an affair with a married man. Shame on you. It doesn't matter if once upon a time you two were in love. He is married to someone else and you need to back off and stop talking to him. Your relationship with him is a VERY BAD IDEA. There are reasons it didn't work in the past. He's only fooling around with you now because it's new and convenient and thrilling for him. You're being used. You have no way of really knowing whether he is telling the truth about his marriage and you shouldn't be interfering anyway.How can you trust being with someone who is a cheater? You're cheating, too. Stop contacting this other guy. He's your EX and you should leave him in the past.
> 
> ...


I am sorry that i didn't explain in what situation is my lover is. He is separated and living alone. Here i don't think i am ruining other's life.


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## Kukush (May 4, 2012)

Moxy I thought about it for long hours. Yes you are right i need to have fresh life with my kiddos only.... I don't want any body!!!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Get a divorce from your husband, and DON'T TAKE HIM BACK. You KNOW this marriage is NOT WORKING and your husband is not TRYING to make a good marriage.

Your son will grow up to think he can act just like his father. Your daughter will grow up to think that it's OKAY if her husband is disrespectful to her. This is what they have SEEN in your home, so they will think it is normal.

Take your children and move back near YOUR family. Show your children what good, strong, happy families LOOK LIKE. Show them how people are supposed to behave.

Do NOT get into a relationship with your OLD boyfriend (or any other man) until YOU figure out WHY you accept such bad behavior from the men in your life. Go see a counselor or therapist. Read books on how to be a better, stronger woman. Live for your children's growth and your own growth. Eventually, you will come to understand what YOU need to change about YOURSELF before you can be in a GOOD relationship.

Good luck and happiness to you and your children.


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## Kukush (May 4, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Get a divorce from your husband, and DON'T TAKE HIM BACK. You KNOW this marriage is NOT WORKING and your husband is not TRYING to make a good marriage.
> 
> Your son will grow up to think he can act just like his father. Your daughter will grow up to think that it's OKAY if her husband is disrespectful to her. This is what they have SEEN in your home, so they will think it is normal.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your wonderful and amazing advise. 

I will try my best to be a good mom to my children. By the way, I never showed to them my unhappy face. I just cry hiding my self and let go every thing. Of course, it is because of the kids that i keep silent not to show them any argument with their dad which i am sure if i start to ask why he is doing those unfair stuffs on me definitely we will argue and the kids hear it. I hate it. Let me suffer not them. For sure its because of my silence our marriage is here till today.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Amazing Advice? 

Sorry. When I read GET A DIVORCE in the first line I have to disagree.

No professional would give that advice, so I would never consider it amazing. 

I do agree that you should seek counseling, for both you and your marriage.

Lets remember that everyone who comes to this website, for the most part, has a damaged relationship and can be advising from their own pain. 

Your story is onesided and a professional is more likely to get the whole story.


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