# Am I Stupid? Do I love him too much? Should we divorce?



## Hopelessdream (Feb 25, 2011)

Hi everyone, I really need some advises and I appreciate if anyone takes the time to respond to me. I am very sad and confused right now. I have been through a lot, been with my husband for 8 yrs (3.5 dating and 4.5 marriage). Over the years we have learned that we have different ideas or ways of thinking/solving problem. However, to me it is normal to think differently as long as we communicate and come to a compromise. However, he is the kind of person his way or no way and he is not willing to talk about the issues. So we grew further apart. He likes to work and he works almost everyday including weekend and always tired, cranky and short temper. He has gotting worse with his temper and I have let him one time after another yell at me, call me names (stupid, *****, *****, worst wife, usedless, worst mother), curse me (F word, S word) and more. I was mad at the time but after a few days I would forgive and make up with him so I guess that made him okay to do it again. 

I married him right after college and the lost of my mother. I was lonely and I needed love. Then a year later, we lost our first son in 2007 one month after birth and I was devastating. He did not treat me nice while I was pregnant either like getting mad any time he wants and would live me home alone at night when he's mad while my family is not close by. We almost separated after my son was lost but then we talked and decided to give it another try. I lost my mom, then my son, I did not want to lose him either. Then we tried again and had another beautiful baby girl who is 2 yr old now. 
Our relationship is getting worse because he's always tired and cranky and since I gave up my career to become a stay at home mom, he gives me no respect at all. He told me I'm usedless because I can't cook very good, drive freeway or make money and that's I'm the bad mom because I didn't know how to burp her the first few months or she favors him when he gets home. I'm so tired to put up with they way he disrespect me and putting me down. But he is careless. He is not willing to go to marriage counselor and if I say anything, "f you", "I don't want a wife like you", "I'm stuck with you", "just sign me the damn paper (divorce). I will give you half of my money. That's how bad I want to get rid of you". "If you say one word about my mom, I will kick your butt and kill you". He does not have any other women but his mind is all about making money and save for retirement. He told me growing up he never thought of having a family wife or kid. He just want to grow old working and taking care of his mom. He always act as if I'm stupid, snap me right away when I say something or have an idea, complain I'm a nagger when I truly only remind him something once and his attitude tells me I'm bothering him. Kisses and sex are no longer there. We only kiss a few times a month when we are in good terms mostly I initiate and sex only once/twice a month on the one or two days that he's off but it's more like I'm begging or nagging for it. 

My husband came from a dysfunctional family therefore he does not know how to communicate, to show affection or to trust people. He does not have any close friends and he told me none of his teachers since middle school to graduate school like him. But he said he did not care because he's the most "sucessful" in his class and he means in terms of making money. He hates listen to others. He's like an innocent caveman who loves and reacts with impulse but not thinking. In the past I kept forgiving him from time to time because I thought he did not know any better. But as my baby gets older, it is harder for me to take it because I don't want her to grow up accepting men treating her like that. Plus I start question if I am wasting time hoping for a love that never comes. 

I'm very sad because I always give in and take the short end just to find peace in the family. I give up everything to be with him, let him be in control and he still threatens to divorce me everytime we have an arguement big/small. He has caused my self-esteem to be so low I don't know how low it could go. My tolerant is also almost to the max. Yet, I keep telling myself, try, try harder to make it work. I'm a Catholic and I don't believe in divorce. I thought if I love him, sweet, gentle, respect, try to save him money, don't shop for myself and take care of our baby with all my energy, treat him like my king then he will love me more but guess I was wrong. I dream one day he will understand how much I love him and we can have a loving, understanding and respectful relationship. But my dream is becoming more and more hopeless. 

I don't know what to do now. When he's angry, he's very mean say whatever to hurt me and tell me he's ready to divorce me whenever I'm ready. He does not physically abuse me though. I'm so mad I want to just agree with him and sign the divorce paper. I'm fear it will hurt too much for me not being with him. I want my baby to have a father figure in her life to enrich her life. I don't know what will happen with my baby and our relationship in the future...will he find way take her away from me... He does not want to go to court, he told me whatever I want tell him and we will do it as a disolution but how do I know what are my rights.

Thank you for reading my long thread. My questions for you is:
1. Do you think I'm stupid that I still love him even when he treats me bad? To be honest, I want to be with my husband as long as he give me some respect and don't call me names or curse when he's angry because it hurts my feelings a lot. 
2. Is there anyway I can reverse things so that my husband can give me the love and respect I deserve and we can still be together?
3. Do you think our marriage can be saved considering he does not want marriage counselor?
4. If not, how can I protect my rights if I decide to divorce? Do I need a lawyer? how much child support/spousal support I should ask if he makes a very good income now (30K/month).
5. What are other terms and conditions I should consider if I don't go to a lawyer? 

WHAT DO I DO NOW SO I DON'T GO CRAZY THINKING OF WHAT TO DO...?

Thank you so much with all my heart for your time and God blesses you all.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

He needs a wake-up call, he is already very far gone. I would say press for the MC thing again and do it when he is in a good mood, not when he is angry and talking about divorce. Tell him he owes it to his daughter if nothing else.

If he won't agree to anything of the sort, then I suggest you contact a lawyer on your own and file for legal separation at the very least or perhaps just go for the divorce. That doesn't have to mean that you actually want those things or that you plan to go through with them. In most states you have to wait a while before a hearing can be scheduled and you can usually delay that a while if you want to. Spend some time researching lawyers and talk to a few. If you file, request emergency custody of your child and request that he be ordered to leave the home. If you leave the home, you won't see it again. If you dare leave your child in the home, you very much risk losing her as well, so DON'T do that.

Again, USE the system if it comes to that. Filing for divorce/separation doesn't mean you have to actually get them. My wife and I just dropped our petitions last week after dragging them out for over 7 months. Maybe when he gets legal papers that detail his list of abuses, ordering him off the property, receiving visitation only with his daughter and being ordered to continue paying the mortgage/bills plus child support and possibly spousal support, before a divorce has even occurred, will wake him up. He can spend a few weeks with his mother and see if all of that is REALLY what he wants.

Again I sincerely hope that the marriage isn't over, and that you will continue to fight for it, but knowing that I was in a similar situation of needing my own "wake-up call" before I got serious about the problems in my marriage, I get the feeling that this is what he needs as well, IF you can't get him to agree to MC.

If you have questions or need to chat, please feel free to send me a private message here.


----------



## still existing (Feb 22, 2011)

screw MC. Leave him already. Do it for your child. Your child is seeing how he is treating you everyday and your child will grow up thinking that is ok. He is very abusive. Get the hell out.


----------



## Hopelessdream (Feb 25, 2011)

*Thank you*

Thank you Still Existing and CDbaker for taking your valuable time to write me. 

Still Existing... I know I know I would say the same thing if a friend, a sister I know tell me she being treated like that... I know leaving him is the only way to wake him up. But it's easier to say than do considering I am an emotionally dependent person. I have so many fears... Fear I will miss him. Fear my baby will miss an important part of her life: a daddy. Fear I will regret afterward. Fear the lawyers will find way to drain out all his money (I heard from people) and neither of us left with anything. I feel bad because he works very hard for his money and at least he has been providing for us the past couple years. So many unknowns and I know I need to find the courage to start. 

CDBaker... I don't know how to private message. But thank you so much. You gave me a great advise and it touches my concern. I don't see how we can be together in the same house if I file the divorce paper. Also, are you sure the court will order him to leave or not having the baby while we separate if I have a reason for emotional abuse? Because that's another concern I have since he would not let me remind him or say anything about the baby when he's with her like putting a jacket on or caring a blanket, he just takes her and go and sometimes she comes back hands and feet so cold. I know he loves her but does not pay details about things yet wouldn't let me interfere.

What do you mean when you said your wife and you dropped the petitions may I ask? I know nothing about divorce process. Will he be able to ask the court the money that I have before marriage and now still in my own separate account. These are the money my mom gave me before she passed away so I cannot let him touch it. He told me he would not but who knows when he's mad and the lawyer are greedy? Or do I have to do something about the money???

My husband will not accept MC. But hopefully from what you said filing the paper will be a wake up call for him and I hope he will go to MC and hopefully anger management too. But he's very stubborn, it could be the other way that he so pissed I don't know what he will do... hopefully he would not hurt me physically. I really still love my husband and don't want our family to be shattered but I know there must be a big event happens in order for him to change. But I guess I have to be ready emotionally that he may not want to change and expect the real divorce right? 

Again thanks you guys so much for help and support.


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm concerned for your daughter seeing this all happen. That's should be number one for you. He obviously doesn't appreciate you. To threaten with divorce and control you is to be emotionally abusive.

Here's what I would do before going to the extreme of filing for divorce. I'd do a 180. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html Act indifferent, like you don't care. Just go about your day. See how he responds to this. Then make your decision on what to do. He's got you by the hair and he knows it. You've got to change the dynamic.


----------



## bluebird20 (Feb 7, 2011)

I don't know where you live but if your in an area with any domestic violence agencies, I would call them. Even though he isn't physically hurting you, this is abuse. And it is abusive to your daughter for her to see it. I work in this field and it will damage her more than you know if things don't change. An adovacte from one of those agencies can give you some education and support around other types of abuse rather than just physcial to help give you strenght to make the decisions you need to make. I don't have a whole lot of hope for your situation given that he won't consider counseling. I also fear it may only be a matter of time until he does hit you when he is angry enough. Do you have some family support?


----------



## Hopelessdream (Feb 25, 2011)

I will do the 180 ACT, my friends told me that. Its hard and in the past in worked n he treated me nice but only for a few days and I was back loving and he would be back indiferent and rude. I guess like my friends said, just do it and one day i will find myself I'm used to it that I don't need him anymore emotionally.

I know he abuses me emotionally. One time when he kept calling me **** for the 1oth time and I told him if you would not stop, the next word come from your mouth will apply to your mom and he jumped on me, held my hands and said "if you ever say one word about my mom, I will kill you" . My hands had a mark line for a day that was the farthest extend of the physical n of course I did not touch his mom again. I'm sure he can hurt me if I say any word about his mom because he loves her a lot. I know he is wrong but I am afraid if I call someone and he will go to court or jail push for the divorce right away when I'm not yet ready and our family is broken. I still want to save this marriage, this family because how time and emotion I have invested in it. My parents passed away. I have many siblings and are very supportive of me but they live 8 hours away and I don't call them on the phone about the problem because in the past when I did, that made them upset and they wanted me to leave him and come back with them. I get confused and end up fall back with him. I have made some moms friends and they are somewhat supportive. I am thinking when I am ready emotionally to leave him I will talk to my family and plan for their support.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

He sounds like a mental case. And if you stay with him you're a mental case too.


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

We teach people how to treat us. This took. A long time for me to learn. You do not want your. Daughter to. Learn that this is acceptable behavior. She may grow up to marry a man just like your husband. Your husband is out of control. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. 

He keeps telling you just sign the divorce papers. Call his bluff. Ask for custody and the house due to emotional abuse. Request that any visitations he has with his daughter be supervised visits. You may not get everything you request but maybe that is what your mom gave you money for. As long as he can say these things and make you feel threatened,he will continue to do so. He may act nice for a few days but as soon as you go back,the abuse will start all over. You need to request that while seperated that he attend counseling for anger control. Let someone that is licensed tell you when he is capable of treating you with respect.

I am sorry to hear of your loss and that the marraige isn't working out. But you need to get your self esteem up and make your daughter AND yourself the number one priority. Let your hubby stay with his mom awhile. Mom's can do many things for their boys, but not everything! concentrate on you and get back. To finding yourself and where you want to draw the line on how the hubby treats you. No name calling respectful conversations,no yelling. You can still work on your marraige but not under your current situation. He has no respect for you and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

You are being abused, and possibly, in a sense, you equate your fear of being alone with your love for him. It is so obvious that he will not respect you and thinks that you will do nothing. You are asking for advice, so I'm giving mine. 

Keep in mind that although most states are different, several things apply in many states. For one, there are minimum percentages of his income that will apply for child support, so you don't need to worry as much about him shortchanging you.

The money you were given by your mother is your money, providing you have documentation to prove it.

My recommendations: Start keeping notes on his abuse. A journal, including the bruises. If he does this to you, there is a good likelyhood that he will do it to your children. This will give you incredible leverage with the future lawyer. 

If you have a good library, there are often many books on divorce tailored to your state. Pick two or more good lawyers in your community and schedule an appointment (many will see you for the initial consultation at no charge). Many will refuse to represent him if you visit them first. Take in some information about his income. In many states, property acquired after marriage will be split, over and above the child support. Ask your lawyer about how to pay for therapy. You want help overcoming the abuse and dependency. The intent is to haave the husband pay, if possible.

Lastly, picture an image of how you would like to live in ten years(not the New Age health and prosperity, but the emotional environment). You and your children living in a home that is bound by love, mutual respect, and laughter. Write it down and read it every time you waiver. Let it grow to include your plans for your future, like school, etc.

If your husband comes to you with a genuine intent to change, don't cancel anything with the lawyer. Ask them, if you choose to give him time, how to put things on hold.


----------



## Hopelessdream (Feb 25, 2011)

Thank you everyone again. Sorry my sister came visit and so I was busy till she left yesterday. We had a lot of fun though. 

Runs like Dog, I understand your comment and good intention. Thank you. I just hope you understand for an asian woman, it's hard to just say quit and leave. When I was young growing up, I saw the men treating the women worse, including my mom but they never left. Divorce was never in their vocabulary. That was why I put up with my husband time after time till now I woke up and realize this can not continue. I don't want to just go to divorce because I still want to give him a chance to change. 

Tamara24 and Halien. Thank you for your empathy and advises. I know that is exactly what I should do. But it's tough as you all know. I want to save this marriage even if a slight chance is there. I only have simple dream. I don’t want money or a rich husband. All I want is a cozy place to live with a loving, respectful husband and our children. But even such a dream is hard to reach. 

We have not talked for 10 days since the last time he said the F word. I take care of our baby during the day and he takes over at night. We keep our conversation to the minimal or write notes. I feel more peaceful knowing that I don’t give him a chance to insult me. In the past no matter if he was wrong or insulting, my heart gets soften after a few days and would come hugging him so we can be happy again. I see in the news that people die from accidents and I told myself if something happens to my husband tomorrow I would be regret that I did not have a chance to say I love you to him and that we fight for silly reasons and since he had a big ego, I should be an understanding wife to keep the family together. So I gave in and forget what he did whether it was yelling, cursing or calling names. But I think I was wrong because that made him think he was right so his anger and bad words escalated the next time he was angry. Tamara24 was right, over the past 4 years, I was feeding his anger and bad manners by treating him even nicer whenever he acts up. So in a way I was wrong too. I know it’s tougher to undo what was done. 

I still want to hang on and give him a chance to change because I never asked him to change. I just accepted and we did not talk about what happened. My sister told me I'm the kind of person I just accept it and accept it so people don't know what I want, including her. So I guess I never made a point to my husband that I want him to be respectful to me. Do you think if this time he finally gives in and listen, I should tell him exactly how I want to be treated and give him a chance to change? Do you think if there is hope for him to change and our relationship gets better without going to the extent of divorce? (I live in California by the way) I honestly want him to know that he needs to treat me right or I will leave (without actually leaving.) How can I do that?

I will start writing a log, journal like your advise. I will in the meantime start marriage counselor and read books to prepare myself for the worse…divorce. I will write a mental note for myself and get support from friends and family who help me keep up with my self esteem. 
We have not talked for 10 days now. It’s the longest it has been and I think he kind of senses it. The first few days he was still angry in his face. Now, I see his attitude was more wondering and seems to respect me more but I am not giving up the battle this time. I need strength to fight it to let him know for the first time his insulting talking and angry behavior is not accepted. Can you guys please give me some mental support to fight this battle. Thank you so much.


----------



## Asking4Flowers (Mar 2, 2011)

I think you have told him in the past that you wanted change because you asked to see a MC together. His behaviour is not your fault but you are the one who decides how you let people treat you.

You mentioned that you grew up watching other women (including your own mother) accept mental/emotional abuse. This can have a very deep effect on your own behaviour but you still have the power to change what treatment you accept. But remember this, you have a young daughter who much like you will be affected by watching and hearing the treatment you allow. So love yourself and love your daughter - do not let this continue. I witnessed my father mentally abuse my mother growing up. I actually felt hatred towards her until I was about 21 years old (I think because I was angry that she was so weak..). I found myself talking to her the way my father had. And now I have just realized that I too am letting a man abuse me. Thank goodness I do not have any children to witness it. But I do still want children and I will make sure they are born to a mother who loves and respects herself above all else!!


----------



## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I have had a hard time replying to others being that my head has been in such a cloud of denial but here I go.

Hi 

I know your pain... I know that it does not go away. I know that he will not treat you better for long any time he promises it will be for the rest of forever. I have heard that promise so many times. I too have looked at the worls not with my own emotions but with his. How would he feel if I... and that was always the deciding point.

I will tell you that I am very afraid that he will hurt your physical body and can already see that he has hurt your mind.

Yesterday I called my mother and told her. Took me alomst a week of hubby out of the house for me to do it. My mother understood and shocked me by saying she was sorry. She said that she is proud of me stopping the cycle that has been running our family in loops for generations. She suffered it. My grandmother suffers it as we speak I am sure. I will suffer no more. My daughters will NOT suffer this anymore. It stops here.

So you have seen worse... do you want to wait until the young women a few years into their marriages are using you as an example of how it could be worse. Do you want your daughter to look back at your marriage and accept abuse saying "mom had it so much worse, he is not too bad"

I still resent my mother of the peril she left me in but I still love her as my oldest child and person that birthed me.

You have got to make a move. I say this KNOWING how hard it is to make that move. If you want to see my denial I invite you to read my threads.

I would have given my right arm to have such a physical incident upon which to base my escape. That one incident is enough and I think that you see it is only the tip of the iceberg.

Good luck. Look and see for real, with your own feelings. Don't turn off your mind and accept. Read, grow strong and stand up. I will help if I can even if I am still wabbly myself....


----------



## Hopelessdream (Feb 25, 2011)

Thank you very much Shianne. I'm sorry for the pain that you go through. I know it's very hard as I'm still not able take that step. I admire you for being so strong. The last 2 weeks not talking to him, doing my own things and ignoring him, I can see him going from angry the first few days, to wondering and indifferent the next few days and the last couple days lonely and sad. He has been soft spoken to me everytime we had to communicate about things or our daughter. I know that is still not enough of a wake up call for him, but I'm sure he knows I'm serious. 

I'm starting MC in a few days. I want to learn everything I can and do whatever it takes to save this relationship. And if finally I can't save it, I will not regret leaving this relationship. While I'm preparing to get stronger emotionally, I will also need to prepare myself financially. My case is that my family live 8 hour away so I have to plan so that once I call it quit, I can be safe and ready with my family. Also, i have some money in the bank under my name that my mom left me before we got marriage. It's a big amount and it's still under my name only. He said he did not want to touch them but who knows when he's mad and things got ugly. I don't know if he's entitled to it. 

When we got married, we were both starting out of college so neither of us have any money. It just that the last 3 years I'm not working so he's totally supporting me and the baby and his income the last 2 years are substantially high. I still don't think it's right to touch the money that my mother left me because her wish is that I would use that money to open a practice in the future. 

Does any have any idea about money before marriage? What should I do to prepare so that I can protect this money? It's still under my name only in the bank so I can withdraw them and keep as cash in the safety box but it takes time and inconvenient... please advice. Thanks.


----------

