# Wife wants divorce now...



## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

Some statistics:
I am 40, wife 38. We have 2 kids 7th grade and 5th grade. We have been married 18 years. Both of us are physically fit, and have good jobs and we built our dream home for the rest of our lives.

Now I am going through one of the toughest years of my life. 

Found out my wife was in an 3 month emotional affair
Found out she was very interested in this person years earlier. She lied repeatedly about how she met him.
Went through 3 months of counseling
Felt like things were improving
Now she wants a divorce and fast
She has said that she can no longer try to stay married and that if we don't divorce that she will probably physically cheat with someone, and "that is not fair to you".
3 months ago she says that this is where she belongs (in our marriage). We also just returned from a dream vacation and now I get hit with this.

I am at a loss as what to do. I still feel that she and the other man never every broke off communication. I have asked and she says that they aren't talking and that he has nothing to do with her feelings.
Next, I am totally destroyed and can't imagine what life will be like for myself and more importantly my children. They have no idea what is going on as with everyone we know. In everyone's eyes we had a dream marriage that they all wish they had.

How on earth can I deal with her dating someone else?
How can I even deal with not seeing my children for 3 days and 4 days respectively every other week?
I am so heavily involved in their life and just don't know what to do.
I also feel like I have been used throughout the marriage. I was a completely involved father who went above and beyond in making sure the marriage was as smooth as possible during child rearing years.
I also feel like she has used me to say that she has given the marriage a try after the affair for 6 months only to use the excuse that she loves me but is not in love with me. Meaning that is easier to say we grew apart and that is why we are divorcing, instead of saying that she cheated and loves someone else and that is why we are divorcing. Especially to friends and family.

I know a lot of rambling but I am feeling down and out right now. A divorce at the holidays is not what I wanted for Christmas.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

my situation is so similiar. my wife is dating another man, and i know his phone number.
i keep throwing myself at my wife, begging, pleading. the more i do this, the less respect she has for me.
nothing will make her come back. when she decides, she is deteremined. there is no fixing it, there is no going back to the way things were. it is gone, and our children will suffer.
tell your children not to be afraid, that they will be ok. tell them you will always be there for them.
for me, it is hard. i want to leave the state, so i don't have to watch my wife. but i can't.


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

@beardedinlair
I did everything that all the books and suggestions from people here said to do and to no help. I agree that there is nothing else that can be done also. I try to keep from even showing emotion anymore toward her. All the while I am stuck in the house with her until divorce is finalized and I find a good place for myself to live in with my kids on visitation days. 
She goes around acting like all is fine, if someone sees us they would never know anything is wrong. Truly crazy. 
I think I have 1 things to say about this relationship:

-nice guys finish last


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I spent a month living with my wife before she moved out...tried everything to convince her to stay, convinced myself she would...the day she moved out, I went ballestic...it felt really good...haha.

Since then, I have done nothing toward her...don't call her unless it is absolutely neccesary...don't email her...I've lost 20 pounds and have worked to keep it off...not drinking, reading a lot, keeping my support group close and on standby...I'm doing better, getting stronger...I'll be fine no matter what...even had a lady at work give me her number the other day (filed it away, just in case!!!).

My 16 year old son chose to stay with me, my 20 year old son comes home from college and stays with me...I can't be all evil...

I thought things were getting better between us lately, but I haven't talked to her in a week...has me worried!!!

But, I'm getting better everyday and know I'll be a better person regardless of what happens...point being, take this time to be selfish and take care of yourself...be the best parent you can be...


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

@DjF
I hear you completely. All I get is I love you but I am not in love with you. I really feel that there is no chance and have to come to the conclusion that I must do my best to get past it. 
You nailed it about being the best Dad to my kids. That is what I have been and will always be!

I can tell you that I have lost 45 pounds and am in better shape than when I was 18 and continue to set goals to finish up the 6 pack.

It is cool that someone has approached you with a number, encouraging for me. 

Way to go my man, sounds like you are on the right track.


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## Gemini85 (Dec 17, 2010)

I'm so sorry to hear that..and I know it has got to be hard with Christmas near. Me and my husband have had a rough past two months...because unfortunately I done something similar to what your wife done about four years ago and I knew I screwed up as soon as it happened...so for the past four years I have being trying my damndest too redeem myself. And honestly it sounds like your wife has more going on than what she is telling you or she wouldn't want a divorce so bad. Lately I have pondered things....me and my husband have two children as well...I've come to realize that a child would rather have a happy parent....then a sad parent all the time...I'm sure your kids can sense that you are upset ...I know mine do! I would say try counseling...but it sounds like your wife has made up her mind. Don't sell your self short about trying to make the marriage work when she is hell bent on getting a divorce hun!


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Believe me, I want my wife back in the worst way...she told me awhile back that the only reason I wanted her back is because I hate change, I do hate change, but I told her that she has forced change whether I wanted it or not...

She called me tonight, said she was at Church the other day and they talked about forgiveness...hope she knows that is a 2 way street!!!

Again, I'll be fine regardless, better with her, but still good without her...I realize that now...you will too soon enough...


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

The advice I have gotten over in the infidelity forum is to try and delay the D. If you want to reconcile there's good advice and plans there. It's hard.


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

Quick question.
How does separation work? Your spouse gets to go date people or is it just time apart?
If it is seeing other people without sexual involvement I could maybe deal with that but if there is sex, no way.
Just curious?


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

@Geminia85
We have had 3 months of counseling and she says no more. I think that there is just to much "eat, pray, love" inside her head.

She feels that the grass is greener on the other side. Those are the words that she used with one of her friends.

I hate sitting here seeing my kids happy and knowing that after Christmas their world is going to completely be destroyed.
They have no idea. We don't argue, we are cordial and the crazy thing is, today we were laughing and have a good time with each other.
She is very confused and in an early midlife crisis I think. Her thoughts are clearly on herself and not on the greater good of the family.
I am still in shock and disbelief that this may very well be it. I can't imagine going to a basketball game without her, going to the mall as a family, eating out together. 
She seems so selfish. Idk, I really was never feeling what she says she has felt. I heard some of the most hurtful words from her about what she wanted to do with her EA guy.

One thing she has never had is true remorse. She just seems to avoid the issue.

Either I am a chump or stupid but I really love this woman.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

helpplease said:


> He feels that the grass is greener on the other side.
> 
> I hate sitting here seeing my kids happy and knowing that after Christmas their world is going to completely be destroyed.
> 
> ...


This text could be from me exactly  !!!!!!


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

Rome,
I am sorry for what you are going through, I feel all your feelings and the pain is so bad it hurts like no other.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

From my experience, I found the tougher I was the more respect I recieves.

helpplease, are so correct nice guys do finish last, so stop being the nice guy. She is spinning this thing to make it look like she is not the bad person, but she is, she stepped out side the marriage. Everyone should know this.

She has and will continue to have this OM and as long as you make it easy for her, she will continue in wanting a divorce. The affair is not letting your W see the damage she is causing, the loss that she will get from leaving a good thing.

I believe the consequences should be swift and hard. Inform her that you have given in (for the last, what was it- 6 months) and you will no longer tolerate her behavior, and for the protection of your family she needs to choose between no contact or her family. From what you've posted she will choose to leave the marriage. We all know she is choosing the OM, no matter what she tells you and others. She is connected with someone else. 

I would remove her things, either take them to her parents/friends or get a storage container, what ever remove her things and have her leave. (take them to OM place)
Do not contact her and distance your self. this is the independence she is looking for, so push it along. The way I see it you are helping her not hurting her. If she wants to leave, well leave then.

You have been more then understanding and nothing has changed. As hard as it is, you need a new direction in fighting for your family. I beleive the tuff love stance is best right now. Everything you've tried so for has only pushed her away

This is only my $0.02 but how much can a guy take? From what I've seen there are 2 ways; keep her around and give her space and time and deal with your pain, or romove her from your family and let her go and deal with your pain. 


Show her that the grass is not always greener, and she can't have her cake. You have made it to easy, and why should she do anything different. For months she had it made. I think it time to change that


Things were improving = she's hiding it better
I love you but I'm not in love with you = I want you and the OM. 
I need space = I want time with the OM

Force the issue. Expose this affair. Make this affair as difficult to continue as you can. As you have seen as long as it continues she will not see the reality of it. 

Clear up her confusion by not tolorating this affiar, She will atleast know were her hausband stand. She is confused because she she loves two men, Push her away, show her the reality of her behavior, easyier said then done, but what have you not done that you think will better her beleive in wanting to stay? You say you did everything, well you haven't kicked her out, so try that, who knows it might work, it might not, at least you will have your self essteam. This will give her more time with OM, and he might not be the guy she thuoght he was.

I got lucky when I started packing my W things she changed her tune. I quess she wasn't that in love with her OM, or she thouht I would just go along.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Orient her to reality as much as possible.

Don't leave the house. She's the one that has to leave. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

@Atholk It is for sure over now. She has repeated said she is done. As for the house, I cannot afford by myself, quite honestly she cannot either but I don't see a reason for me to be stuck in a financial mess in the next 6 months not being able to pay.

@the guy
Great advice, but it is too late now. If I could have been stronger earlier when all this went down I believe that all would have worked. Live and learn I guess.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What about moving back in YOUR home?


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

@the guy

I honestly don't know if I could afford the house. What about we sell the house and split the profit if the divorce happens, this will be significant and would be fair I think.
The worst thing is the kids, will that be harder on them? I just don't know.

This whole thing kills me so bad. I want to hang on to my wife and she seems to want to run.
I finally got to the bottom of why she wants such a speedy divorce. The OM will be in town during January and she wants to not look bad when she goes and does "who knows what" with this person, if the divorce happens.
She had told me how much she wanted to be with him sexually, and would have if he would have been around when the whole emotional affair started.
Should I stop trying to keep my wife and just write this off?
A very hard decision for me to let go. She wants to say that I emotionally was not there again and again and that is why she wants out.
We had a great conversation about what went wrong with "us" and it seems that we could change the path of our marriage. She keeps saying we tried. Neither of us tried for 6 months because she would not love and I was in shock and had a hard time trying to love her, especially when I caught her going on face book and trying to talk to him again 2 months after the EA.

Why do I want to hang on? The big hurt also is that the EA is 27 (wife 38) with lots of money (promised her, trips, plastic surgery, she doesn't have to work anymore) and other attributes that I just don't have.


Advice?.....


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