# Hi All



## attheend02

Posted my story over at Loveshack (user attheend).

In short - found my wife in an emotional affair/Sexting after 25 years of marriage - 10+ years of mostly unhappiness . We agreed on separation - she left on Nov 11.
Completed separation agreement relatively amicably and am working on putting the house on the market.

I've been in NC since 12/20 or so... 

I've been lurking on this site since d-day and have learned a lot. I really appreciate many of the members insights here.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and fix my behavior, but understand that its too late. Somewhere I lost my purpose and am trying to find it again.

I'm hoping that I can be a better partner in future relationships.


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## MattMatt

She was cheating and you got the blame?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Welcome to TAM.

There are a lot of experienced folks here that can share great info on troubles in marriage, pitfalls as Ds are underway, and building solid futures after couples go their separate ways.

I'm not one of them 😊 but I thought I'd extend a warm welcome and reinforce you will get through your challenges and have an exciting and wonderful future.

Persistence and remaining steadfast in pursuing what's best for YOU is critical in navigating the speed bumps of divorce.

Best,

RR


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## manfromlamancha

So do you know if she met with this guy after she left ?


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## sunsetmist

You want to give us a summary of pertinent facts in the forum you feel best fits?


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## attheend02

MattMatt said:


> She was cheating and you got the blame?


I don't think that I got the "blame" per se.... I guess I am assigning myself a lot of the blame, though.

My wife contracted breast cancer in 2004... went through radiation... had a good prognosis, but life became very heavy during that period, with her going through prolonged depression. I think she continued to believe that she was going to die soon.

I did not deal with it very well, drank a lot...and our communication broke down... 

She became fixated on moving to Hawaii which we did in 2006. I was resentful for most of the time we were there as I had quit a great job, left my life long friendships... etc... all sounds like 1st world problems now.

I eventually forced a move back to the Mainland in 2012 which caused more prolonged depression on her part. 

During this time, I lost my desire for her sexually - I was never sure if it was loss of love or low libido, but in a way I was relieved because she was a low sex drive partner for most of our marriage - not non-existent, but I was often frustrated by the frequency throughout our marriage, so it felt kind of freeing to not feel desire for her.

In the last year, I actually rejected some of her sexual initiation and initiated myself very little. I never cheated or looked outside the marriage. I really didn't realize the further damage that it was causing our marriage. 

The funny thing is - since coming back to the mainland, I feel that I have been constantly trying to figure out how to make her happy - Trying to figure out how to find a job that made me happy while looking for a possible place to live that would "fix" the hole leaving Hawaii left in her. 

She ended up reaching out to an ex high school boyfriend and entering a long distance relationship including sexting (at a minimum - I did not continue to look for physical affair evidence).

I gave her a choice for reconciliation, but she would not commit to the things I thought necessary (read "surviving an affair"). I may have jumped the gun, but could not see spending many years on reconciliation at this point (I'm now 51) as she really did not show interest.... 

I believe that the love is gone on her side and I believe that she wants to be free. On my side, I also think that I do not love her anymore.

But it still hurts and the EA has made me questions things in our marriage that I wish it didn't. (how many...did it happen before..is that why she needed to escape to Hawaii... even my 23 yr old sons paternity).

I have been reading many of the posts here - Proscriptions for what makes a "good" relationship and it has initiated much self reflection. I know that I was not centered or strong for many periods in our marriage. I'm sure that she saw me as whiny depressed person the last couple of years. I'm having a hard time judging whether it was all me and my own selfishness.

Sorry for the rambling. My main goal is to find my center so that I can regain confidence in my career as well as find satisfying future relationships.


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## sokillme

You probably did some stuff wrong. It's good to address that, but never take responsibility for your partner's *******baggery.

I mean you moved to Hawaii for God's sake. 

If my wife tried to force me to move to somewhere I didn't want to go I would tell her to buy a ticket and have a good life. 

And I am a good husband. Your role is not to fulfill her every wish. It's a partnership. 

Did you DNA test you kids? 

At this point that part of your life is over, if you want to have a good life going forward I would suggest you put that in the past, learn from it what you can but start having the courage to be hopeful for the future.

Part of what you seem to be saying is your problem was assertiveness. Well I suggest you can start to fix that by being assertive about the rest of your life. Doing that is not allowing the past to make you depressed all the time. The way you deal with mistakes is redoubling your efforts to do better. 

Read books, go get IC. Start to date again, start speaking your mind even if you are afraid. Take some chances and do the honorable assertive thing even if it's easier to not try because you are afraid or whatever. Take charge of your life and your healing. You are the only one who can do it.


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## sunsetmist

attheend02 said:


> I don't think that I got the "blame" per se.... I guess I am assigning myself a lot of the blame, though.
> 
> My wife contracted breast cancer in 2004... went through radiation... had a good prognosis, but life became very heavy during that period, with her going through prolonged depression. I think she continued to believe that she was going to die soon.
> 
> I did not deal with it very well, drank a lot...and our communication broke down...
> 
> She became fixated on moving to Hawaii which we did in 2006. I was resentful for most of the time we were there as I had quit a great job, left my life long friendships... etc... all sounds like 1st world problems now.
> 
> I eventually forced a move back to the Mainland in 2012 which caused more prolonged depression on her part.
> 
> During this time, I lost my desire for her sexually - I was never sure if it was loss of love or low libido, but in a way I was relieved because she was a low sex drive partner for most of our marriage - not non-existent, but I was often frustrated by the frequency throughout our marriage, so it felt kind of freeing to not feel desire for her.
> 
> In the last year, I actually rejected some of her sexual initiation and initiated myself very little. I never cheated or looked outside the marriage. I really didn't realize the further damage that it was causing our marriage.
> 
> The funny thing is - since coming back to the mainland, *I feel that I have been constantly trying to figure out how to make her happy - Trying to figure out how to find a job that made me happy while looking for a possible place to live that would "fix" the hole leaving Hawaii left in her. *
> 
> She ended up reaching out to an ex high school boyfriend and entering a long distance relationship including sexting (at a minimum - I did not continue to look for physical affair evidence).
> 
> I gave her a choice for reconciliation, but she would not commit to the things I thought necessary (read "surviving an affair"). I may have jumped the gun, but could not see spending many years on reconciliation at this point (I'm now 51) as *she really did not show interest.... *
> 
> I believe that the love is gone on her side and I believe that she wants to be free. On my side, I also think that I do not love her anymore.
> 
> But it still hurts and the EA has made me questions things in our marriage that I wish it didn't. (how many...did it happen before..is that why she needed to escape to Hawaii... even my 23 yr old sons paternity).
> 
> I have been reading many of the posts here - Proscriptions for what makes a "good" relationship and it has initiated *much self reflection. * I know that I was not centered or strong for many periods in our marriage. I'm sure that she saw me as whiny depressed person the last couple of years. I'm having a *hard time judging whether it was all me and my own selfishness.
> *
> Sorry for the rambling. My main goal is to find my center so that I can regain confidence in my career as well as find satisfying future relationships.


Yes, y'all had poor communication and other barriers to a good marriage. Don't twist yourself into knots trying to figure out how your changes would have prevented her EA. Use second guessing only as a road map to introspection. You both could have discussed y'all's expectations in marriage. Instead she made a choice to step outside your marriage. 

Her illness and your reaction to it may have affected her outlook on life. You can test son for paternity if you wish. She does not want to make an effort to reconcile and that hurts even if you are not sure you want to. I think you are really saying that she was not the person you thought she was. Her actions may or may not have included infidelity, does the truth make a difference? 

So work on yourself to be the best you that you can be--not the person you think someone else may want. Your career will likely gain momentum from your new confidence and wisdom.


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## Ynot

OP, I was married for 24 years and ended up single at the age of 54. I too went through a period of negative introspection wondering how on earth I could have allowed my perfect marriage to disintegrate and fail. It came in bits and pieces and I fought them, just like I fought the reality that my marriage was failing when I was married. 
But as I came to accept my part of the blame I began to realize that really the only thing I was guilty of was being the best husband I could have been knowing what I knew at that time. The real problem was that I didn't know what I didn't know. THAT was what I was guilty off. So I decided to go out and learn, not just about marriage but about life itself.
Too often we tend to live our lives according to someone else's ideas of how life should be. I realized that I had been doing that. Now I am trying to live my life according to what I want and how I think it should be lived.
It is ok to look inside, just don't let it drag you down. All you can do is put the past behind you and move forward. Learn from your mistakes and become a better person and live a better life.
Now, 4 years later, my life is so much different than the one I had lived. I sometimes wonder why I was even upset. I have a better life than I ever did when I was married. More money, Better relationships with my children and their spouses. I have plenty of options on the romantic side of things. You wait and see, your life will be so much better after the dark clouds of self doubt and blame dissipate.


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## attheend02

sokillme said:


> You probably did some stuff wrong. It's good to address that, but never take responsibility for your partner's *******baggery.
> 
> Part of what you seem to be saying is your problem was assertiveness. Well I suggest you can start to fix that by being assertive about the rest of your life. Doing that is not allowing the past to make you depressed all the time. The way you deal with mistakes is redoubling your efforts to do better.
> 
> Read books, go get IC. Start to date again, start speaking your mind even if you are afraid. Take some chances and do the honorable assertive thing even if it's easier to not try because you are afraid or whatever. Take charge of your life and your healing. You are the only one who can do it.


Thanks sokillme - I am doing most of your recommendations. 

Dating / OLD has been an interesting exercise. What I have found is that I can still attract women even though I'm not 21 anymore. 
I'm not sure I SHOULD be attracting women at this point, though.  .


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## attheend02

sunsetmist said:


> So work on yourself to be the best you that you can be--not the person you think someone else may want. Your career will likely gain momentum from your new confidence and wisdom.


Thanks for your support sunsetmist.


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## attheend02

Ynot said:


> OP, I was married for 24 years and ended up single at the age of 54. I too went through a period of negative introspection wondering how on earth I could have allowed my perfect marriage to disintegrate and fail. It came in bits and pieces and I fought them, just like I fought the reality that my marriage was failing when I was married.
> But as I came to accept my part of the blame I began to realize that really the only thing I was guilty of was being the best husband I could have been knowing what I knew at that time. The real problem was that I didn't know what I didn't know. THAT was what I was guilty off. So I decided to go out and learn, not just about marriage but about life itself.
> Too often we tend to live our lives according to someone else's ideas of how life should be. I realized that I had been doing that. Now I am trying to live my life according to what I want and how I think it should be lived.
> It is ok to look inside, just don't let it drag you down. All you can do is put the past behind you and move forward. Learn from your mistakes and become a better person and live a better life.
> Now, 4 years later, my life is so much different than the one I had lived. I sometimes wonder why I was even upset. I have a better life than I ever did when I was married. More money, Better relationships with my children and their spouses. I have plenty of options on the romantic side of things. You wait and see, your life will be so much better after the dark clouds of self doubt and blame dissipate.


Thanks Ynot, 

I appreciate hearing it from someone that has been in my shoes. Its tough to put being in this position at 51 in perspective and this helps.


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## manfromlamancha

manfromlamancha said:


> So do you know if she met with this guy after she left ?


In your LoveShack entry you wrote:

_Wife is moving out to her own apartment tomorrow.

I gave her the option to work on the relationship, but she chose separation. I almost got going on Divorce busters, but didn't have the heart to force the issues that they espouse. Probably because I was on the fence also.

She admitted to sexting with him - but swears there has never been any meet up. I'm not convinced, but am sure it will occur now, because she is really into him.

Somewhat relieved, but that is probably short lived. Typical emotional roller coaster._


Did she meet up with the OM once she moved into her apartment ?


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## attheend02

manfromlamancha said:


> In your LoveShack entry you wrote:
> 
> _Wife is moving out to her own apartment tomorrow.
> 
> I gave her the option to work on the relationship, but she chose separation. I almost got going on Divorce busters, but didn't have the heart to force the issues that they espouse. Probably because I was on the fence also.
> 
> She admitted to sexting with him - but swears there has never been any meet up. I'm not convinced, but am sure it will occur now, because she is really into him.
> 
> Somewhat relieved, but that is probably short lived. Typical emotional roller coaster._
> 
> 
> Did she meet up with the OM once she moved into her apartment ?


I really don't know for sure - I guess I just assume they have. I think that me going no contact means it is not my concern anymore.

My 23 old son visits her and has experienced her putting the OM on speaker phone - so I know he is still in the picture. She doesn't appear to have much shame about it (although she drinks a lot nowadays - so she does things she wouldn't probably do while straight).


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## Oldtimer

Don’t put yourself in the position to take most of the blame. Some of the things you mentioned that YOU did are not deal breakers that lead to infidelity. Divorce perhaps, but not infidelity.

I read your thread on LS and can see some of your frustration, the move to Hawaii, your sons paternity. It seems that there may have been some red flags that you might have missed earlier on. Do you want to go back and find out? Personally, it would drive me nuts. At this point, you have it in you to move forward and IMHO, you should.

I was 48 when my XW went to find herself, she had been texting and sexting with several men prior. She was a SAHM for years as we had 4 kids to contend with. She up and left and within two weeks I asked her for a D.

At 48 I thought my life was done and that I would just work to feed my kids until they grew up, ( they were ages 12-17 at the time).

Two years later, I became reacquainted with my now wife, we were in high school together. She was going through her divorce at the time and although we got together as just friends discovered that it was more. We’ve been married for 17 years now and will grow older together god willing.

The point I’m trying to make in my long drivel is that at 50, you are more than young enough to kickstart you’re life in a positive direction. Wishing the best for you friend.

OT


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## oldshirt

while divorce is always sad and unfortunate on some level and is not something that anyone goes into marriage wanting or intending to do, I would say that in your instance this sounds like you are handling it in a pretty darn healthy and functional manner. 

You do not sound angry, resentful or bitter in any way. But neither do you sound desperate, depressed, despaired or engaging in the "Pick Me! Dance." 

It's good to self-reflect and evaluate what could have been better and such but unless you were abusive, chemically addicted, cheating or just completely ignoring or neglecting her needs, we can't beat ourselves up for not being perfect or not being the richest, handsomest and most interesting man on the planet. 

To me you sound like you have a healthy acceptance that your marriage may have run it's course and that you are neither chasing a windmill nor disparaging her or the marriage at all. 

I think you are in as good a place as possible under the circumstances.


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## oldshirt

attheend02 said:


> Thanks sokillme - I am doing most of your recommendations.
> 
> Dating / OLD has been an interesting exercise. What I have found is that I can still attract women even though I'm not 21 anymore.
> I'm not sure I SHOULD be attracting women at this point, though.  .


There are some posters here that do not think it is ever appropriate to meet others or date etc until the ink on the final divorce decree is completely dry and it has been brought down from the mountain and has been hung up in the town square for all to see. 

But I see absolutely no reason whatsoever that you should not be starting to get out and explore the world as soon-to-be single man.

You are both aware of the likelihood of the dissolution of your marriage, you have both consensually agreed to separate and live separate lives while the divorce is being processed, she has obviously moved on with a new love interest and your ADULT children are aware of the situation. 

IMHO at this point you are morally and ethically two single, consenting adults who are free to do as you wish with your own lives and the legal divorce is just simply a matter of waiting for the courts to get the paperwork caught up. 

The church ladies will disagree and see it as God issue but they do not have to walk in your shoes. 

The way I see it, your 'marriage' ended a long time ago. It's just waiting for the courthouse to get the paperwork caught up at this point. 

If you are ok with getting out and meeting new people and they are ok with going out with someone who's paperwork is still pending, then I certainly don't see a thing wrong with it.


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