# Do what’s best for the offspring



## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

I’m suggesting here that as parents, we consider what’s best for our children more than our own selfish needs. Regardless of our petty differences, at the end of the day, the kids suffer the most.

We separated in November. We had been going back and forth for months trying to figure out what to do, and decided it was time. The biggest thing to consider was how to coparent our son. How could we still give our son some consistency.

We decided we would work at doing what’s best for him, and we each have him a full week at a time. Since we only live about 2 miles away from each other, we can easily stop in so he has some time with the other parent. When it comes to purchases for him (shoes, clothes, whatever) we agreed to split the costs. He’s covered under my insurance, and my ex already had her own insurance. Splitting assets was relatively painless as well.

For Christmas - he’s with me this week, though we still celebrated at his mom’s house. I had dinner with them and her parents on Christmas Eve, and then returned early morning Christmas Day to open presents. We will most likely do something similar (celebrate together) for New Years Eve, since we typically walk to a neighbors party.

I understand this isn’t the easiest thing to do for others. There are still the issues, and reasons why we split in the first place. However, our kids shouldn’t suffer thru this process.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Maybe the best thing to do is face the reality of BOTH of your choices. Not says not being civil or talking, but facts are facts. You are both swimming in the ocean of regret. It's time to move forward, kids adapt quickly once they see consequences of actions by their parents. Why are you doing this? It should not be for the child. Show the results of life's choice's.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have always been of the opinion that changing homes every week is very disruptive and unsettling for a child. (divorced parent here) Take your cues from your child as to whether or not this actually works for him. Parents going through divorce often get so caught up in their own feelings of separation anxiety and trying to get their "fair share" that many times, they do what works for them rather than for the kids. It for sure is a positive that you live in such close proximity to each other.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I am going through this now and the thought at sitting down for Christmas dinner with the ex and her family is absolutely nauseating. In my case, that would do more harm than good and just show the kids that people are fake and miserable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In our divorce, my son's father and I had good lawyers who hammered out a visitation solution that worked well from the time our son was 7 until he graduated from high school.

For Christmas, one of us had him on Christmas Eve until 10AM on Christmas. Then he spent from Christmas day until 10AM on New Years Day and the week after with the other. The next year we swapped. This gave our son some stable time with each parent and yet he got to see each of us on the holidays.

There was no way I could ever have any holiday meal with my ex (son's father). The man was mean and abusive.

We each had our son on our birthdays. All other holidays and his birthday were set up so that we alternated who had our son. For example, one year I'd get the 4th of July and the next year his father would. 

Our son spent about 60% of the rest of time with me and about 40% with his dad.

Near the end of his 10th grade our son refused to spend any more nights at his father's because the man is just mean and abusive. But they have maintained a relationship and even gone on vacations together.

Our son is 31 in January. He still lives with me because he is still working on his Phd and is a research assistant at the University (low pay). He visits with his father every week, they usually go out to lunch or dinner. 

Yesterday morning we had breakfast, opened presents. Son went to his father's for a few hours. When he came home we all had Christmas dinner and spent the evening just hanging out.

I think that for kids a consistent pattern is important so that they know what to expect.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> I have always been of the opinion that changing homes every week is very disruptive and unsettling for a child. (divorced parent here) Take your cues from your child as to whether or not this actually works for him. Parents going through divorce often get so caught up in their own feelings of separation anxiety and trying to get their "fair share" that many times, they do what works for them rather than for the kids. It for sure is a positive that you live in such close proximity to each other.


I agree completely that you have to do what is best for the kids and that sometimes, what we as adults think is best doesn't actually work for the kids. My STBXH and I still own our home, I live in the inlaw apartment. It seemed like a perfect solution until our youngest graduates from high school in 3 years. Except...2 of my 3 children have requested that we sell and just get separate houses. The third is indifferent I think. So it's clearly not working for 2/3 of our children and yet he still refuses to entertain the idea of selling. I have recently learned that he's been talking with some family members about us getting back together "at some point" and that just will never happen. But he's holding onto the house as a way to hold onto me I guess and not putting his kids first. But he's suffering greatly with our divorce and so I'm trying to go easy on him for now about it. My kids are doing okay and they understand the situation so there is plenty of time to work all this stuff through. 

For Christmas we all spent Christmas Eve together with some of my family and our neighbors as we have done for the last 15 years. Spend Christmas the same way as always also. It worked out well for all of us for this year. Next year, who knows?


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

How do you do what's best for the children if one parent is so selfish and would rather set a schedule that fits in to their plans rather than whats best for the kids?

It's wonderful to read that there are separated parents that can sit down for meals together with their children on special occasions but that will never happen in my situation. So, it becomes a battle of wills and as i've mentioned before, i feel trapped. I dont "dig my heels" in for the sake of it, i dont feel i'm that petty or stubborn but if theres a situation I truly believe is wrong or isnt working, i'll state my reasons why and try to back anything up with research. However, because my ex has to "win" she never accepts any suggestions or advice from me and she's low enough to use the children to get her own way.

So, for the children it's best i just leave her to always calling the shots but as a parent, I dont want to be living my life to her tune and i wouldnt want my children seeing that her way of behaving is acceptable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Smithy said:


> *How do you do what's best for the children if one parent is so selfish and would rather set a schedule that fits in to their plans rather than whats best for the kids?*
> 
> It's wonderful to read that there are separated parents that can sit down for meals together with their children on special occasions but that will never happen in my situation. So, it becomes a battle of wills and as i've mentioned before, i feel trapped. I dont "dig my heels" in for the sake of it, i dont feel i'm that petty or stubborn but if theres a situation I truly believe is wrong or isnt working, i'll state my reasons why and try to back anything up with research. However, because my ex has to "win" she never accepts any suggestions or advice from me and she's low enough to use the children to get her own way.
> 
> So, for the children it's best i just leave her to always calling the shots but as a parent, I dont want to be living my life to her tune and i wouldnt want my children seeing that her way of behaving is acceptable.


I had a lawyer who understood this. So she insisted that we had a very well defined schedule that had to be followed. When it's left up to the parents to set schedules as they go along, it often leads to the problem you are having. Basically with a well defined schedule, if your ex tried to change it and/or refused to allow your children to be with you when scheduled, she'd be in contempt of court. 

My ex (son's father) is an extremely selfish person. He tried to call the shots. I was able to shut that down very quickly because of my very wise lawyer.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I had a lawyer who understood this. So she insisted that we had a very well defined schedule that had to be followed. When it's left up to the parents to set schedules as they go along, it often leads to the problem you are having. Basically with a well defined schedule, if your ex tried to change it and/or refused to allow your children to be with you when scheduled, she'd be in contempt of court.
> 
> My ex (son's father) is an extremely selfish person. *He tried to call the shots. I was able to shut that down very quickly because of my very wise lawyer.*


In the old days, those returned shots could be fatal.

Winning at all costs depletes the shared love bank, quite quickly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> I am going through this now and the thought at sitting down for Christmas dinner with the ex and her family is absolutely nauseating. In my case, that would do more harm than good and just show the kids that people are fake and miserable.


I agree, once the marriage is over there is no need for any contact between the parents or the inlaws. Each can make their own traditions and memories as separate parents. It will happen eventually, especially once one or both find new partners with their own families to think of. 
Also I cant imagine as a child having to adapt to have a different home and bedroom each week. In my view far better to have one home as the main base and spend each weekend or every other weekend with the other parent, as well as go away on holidays with them as and when.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

My counselor told me point blank “you divorced him, right?” “Then send a clear message that you divorced him”.

So I started making sure everything was separate. I still do 15 years later. My kids appreciated knowing how things would be at my house. 

Intertwined gatherings send mixed signals. On special ocassions like 20th birthday or 30th birthday we sometimes include both families together - but those are milestones and not the norm. Forthw most part I decline any invitations to see my exH. The exception has been family funerals.

We were together for 27 years - so when a family death comes it only seemsright to include each other. We are distant but respectful in those situations.

Pretending like you’re still married to the kids isn’t healthy - they need to get used to the idea that you aren’t together anymore.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> > I am going through this now and the thought at sitting down for Christmas dinner with the ex and her family is absolutely nauseating. In my case, that would do more harm than good and just show the kids that people are fake and miserable.
> ...


Really? So Diana, imagine if you would, would you have been okay with your young children living full time with their dad and you only seeing your children every other weekend? 

If you say yes I will suspect you aren't telling the truth.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> > I am going through this now and the thought at sitting down for Christmas dinner with the ex and her family is absolutely nauseating. In my case, that would do more harm than good and just show the kids that people are fake and miserable.
> ...


I agree with the first half of what you said. Unfortunately, the every other weekend parent is outdated from the 70’s and 80’s. Each parent should have 50/50 time. Dad’s have rights too!


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Really? So Diana, imagine if you would, would you have been okay with your young children living full time with their dad and you only seeing your children every other weekend?
> 
> If you say yes I will suspect you aren't telling the truth.


As Diana, believes then it is her truth. But Diana is fully aware of the cost of divorce, weather the children are at the other spouse's resident then it is what it is. And would accept the way the divorce is outlined, not that she would be clapping but as a adult accept the losses as such.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Really? So Diana, imagine if you would, would you have been okay with your young children living full time with their dad and you only seeing your children every other weekend?
> ...


Curious, why are you answering for Diana? Is that your truth or hers?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

No l am give a perspective, of another point of view. And Diana is a big girl but l am commenting on both views.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> No l am give a perspective, of another point of view. And Diana is a big girl but l am commenting on both views.


I’m pretty passionate about this topic. There is no way anyone can convince me that anything other that 50/50 shared parenting time is beneficial to the children. Obviously, outside of one parent abusing the kids, or substance abuse, etc.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m pretty passionate about this topic. There is no way anyone can convince me that anything other that 50/50 shared parenting time is beneficial to the children. Obviously, outside of one parent abusing the kids, or substance abuse, etc.


Of course nothing wrong with passion, as some instances in the world things fall the way they fall it doesn't make it right , but most of the world isn't fair and just.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Tilted 1 said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> > I’m pretty passionate about this topic. There is no way anyone can convince me that anything other that 50/50 shared parenting time is beneficial to the children. Obviously, outside of one parent abusing the kids, or substance abuse, etc.
> ...


WTF....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m pretty passionate about this topic. There is no way anyone can convince me that anything other that 50/50 shared parenting time is beneficial to the children. Obviously, outside of one parent abusing the kids, or substance abuse, etc.




Every family’s situation and children are different, and things must be adjusted to what makes the children happy and comfortable. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

SuaveTigris said:


> I have no contact with my kids. None, zero zilch. I send child support, but is not going to have emptional roller coaster of having to deal with her and then answer 10000 questions to the kids.
> Children grow up fast and there are much worse things in life than having a step dad. I DO think kids are best off with the mother. In this way the entire divorce and after-effects have been easier to get over as well.
> 
> If they later in life desire to see me, that will be something to think about, but I see no reason to give her another reserve-dad for the kids and neither can I imagine my life being upset by having the kids in my life now.
> ...


Wtf... Get snipped, pronto.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SuaveTigris said:


> I have no contact with my kids. None, zero zilch. I send child support, but is not going to have emptional roller coaster of having to deal with her and then answer 10000 questions to the kids.
> Children grow up fast and there are much worse things in life than having a step dad. I DO think kids are best off with the mother. In this way the entire divorce and after-effects have been easier to get over as well.
> 
> If they later in life desire to see me, that will be something to think about, but I see no reason to give her another reserve-dad for the kids and neither can I imagine my life being upset by having the kids in my life now.
> ...


Why have you abandoned your own children?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SuaveTigris said:


> Snipped, you mean cords cut? That's done long time ago. The bauty with that now is letting women early on know I have cords cut. This filters out the women who want kids and keeps the others.
> 
> Life has never been so good and free as after I got divorced. I also think the "Snipping" has helped me score much more, while avoiding worries about more debt burdens. WIN WIN WIN.


Good to see that you have such great priorities, you cant be bothered to see your own children and all you want is to 'score.' Wow.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Really? So Diana, imagine if you would, would you have been okay with your young children living full time with their dad and you only seeing your children every other weekend?
> 
> If you say yes I will suspect you aren't telling the truth.


All I know is that if my dad had left mum I would not have wanted to spend half my time with him. Also it can only be done if both live near each other for schooling. 
In my divorce my children stayed with me 100% of the time for reasons I wont go into. Had things been very different, I would have been happy for them to spend a lot of time with their dad as being a 24/7 single parent of three with no one to share the load and responsibility is very hard.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

SuaveTigris said:


> I have no contact with my kids. None, zero zilch. I send child support, but is not going to have emptional roller coaster of having to deal with her and then answer 10000 questions to the kids.
> Children grow up fast and there are much worse things in life than having a step dad. I DO think kids are best off with the mother. In this way the entire divorce and after-effects have been easier to get over as well.
> 
> If they later in life desire to see me, that will be something to think about, but I see no reason to give her another reserve-dad for the kids and neither can I imagine my life being upset by having the kids in my life now.
> ...


You are very selfish. You gave up on your kids so you could live the single life. You think they will “desire” to see you in the future? You could have a single life and be a good dad as well. Men do it all the time.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

SuaveTigris said:


> Ahhh, love the Moral lectures. Nothing is more refreshing, because it means I am still not afraid of having my own opinions. So I guess as long as follow the legal obligations the court has thrown at me, I am still to be shamed for not playing the game further?
> 
> Let me explain: In order to have regular visits with children you have to spend more money on divorce lawyers (unless you want to do it yourself and be hammered by the legal system). Also, having to grovel to the mother every time is not a very tempting alternative either. Likewise, I believe the children pick up on this as well and will ask 10000 questions when they are with me. Then they will ask mum about it and the game is on. Then there will probably be a new meeting with her lawyer to be lectured what an Evil man I am.. You are starting to get it now?
> 
> ...


Again, selfish. You put money ahead of your kids. You don’t want to spend the money it takes to get your kids. All you do is encourage bad behavior by these moms during divorce. You refused to fight for your children. You can opt out of a lot of things in life, but being a dad to your kids ain’t one of them in my book.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I hate to say this but "giving those thousands to the children instead" -- THEY WON'T CARE. Children want their mother AND father (unless you were abusive). I don't understand the lack of desire for your kids -- I could never abandon mine if that had ever happened. You are using your hatred of the system to opt-out of any sort of relationship with them.

I DO realize that there are people out there who don't/never wanted kids, so maybe you fit into that category?


I can tell you this -- they WILL NOT want a relationship with you in the future, so I guess you don't have to worry about that (and it sounds like you are ok with that)


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

SuaveTigris said:


> There is no need to project such high-mindedness. I am not killing people, stealing from them or ripping off people.


You stole your kids dad from them because you were too weak to fight. You have to live with yourself, no one else does.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

SuaveTigris said:


> "Fight"? What are you talking about?
> 
> "too weak"?
> 
> ...


You didn’t fight for your kids because you didn’t want to spend the money. You fight with a good lawyer who would get you 50/50 custody.

Clearly, you joined TAM to get a rise out of people. I’m not taking the bait, dude.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You have this backwards. You don’t “have to” spend that kind of money on a divorce.

but you DO have to spend that kind of money on child support if you intend to see your kids. Do you pay support money on a consistent and regular basis?


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