# Controlling Husband



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

It's been a while for me here.....
And what have I done? Gone from one extreme to another with my husbands!

Married 1st time - 15 years
Married 2nd time - 9 months so far

My current husband is controlling.....
I am independant, he would prefer me to be DEpendant. I have a child (son/12) from my first marriage.
~This is a BIG trigger~

Anyone tried talking to their husbands and had any success or changes result from just laying it all out there? I've actually TOLD him he is controlling!

Ask any questions, I kept this short so I might could get some feedback and you not get lost in the text.

Thanks much!
JAG


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't bother telling him he's controlling. Just stop enabling it.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Don't bother telling him he's controlling. Just stop enabling it.


That's what I'm working on, MY part of it.

Ok, let me ask this.....when I'm in ther process of standing my ground, do I just balls to the walls tell him "No, I'm not doing it" or try and be diplomatic and let him warm up so we don't blow up?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What do you think the control issues stem from in him?


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## Laralie (May 2, 2014)

turnera said:


> Don't bother telling him he's controlling. Just stop enabling it.


That's a snappy reply. OP, go forth and be whole now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> That's what I'm working on, MY part of it.
> 
> Ok, let me ask this.....when I'm in the process of standing my ground, do I just balls to the walls tell him "No, I'm not doing it" or try and be diplomatic and let him warm up so we don't blow up?


Would you kiss up to the robber trying to take your purse? Then why do you have to nice him to get what you want?

You're an adult. You have just as much right to what you want as he does. So act like it.

If he does something you don't like, say 'I don't like where this is going. I'm going upstairs/outside/to my room.' And walk away.

And don't you mean so HE won't blow up?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Laralie said:


> That's a snappy reply. OP, go forth and be whole now.


meh, abusers and controllers can't 'do what they do' if you're not participating.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> What do you think the control issues stem from in him?


Oh goodness.....
His first marriage was to a bi-polar narcissist who is mentally insane and uses parent alienation on him! Wait, did I come off too harsh? lol

I think - wait, I KNOW that relationship (with his upbringing - loss his Dad @10 but has a great step-dad, and his first marriage to his HS sweetheart) just made him insecure and have major trust issues.

His ex keeps his kids (3 of them) away from him, that is TOTALLY a different issue too....but he says I'm all he's got and man, that can put some pressure on you too!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> meh, abusers and controllers can't 'do what they do' if you're not participating.


Yeah, I'm asking for help b/c I've never been in either type of relationship - so at first, I had no idea it was happening.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Just start reading up about people who have control issues to get a handle on the reality of it. Then introduce the idea to him that his issues are putting too much pressure on you. Then ask him to join you in counseling.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Would you kiss up to the robber trying to take your purse? Then why do you have to nice him to get what you want?
> 
> You're an adult. You have just as much right to what you want as he does. So act like it.
> 
> ...


Sort of - I blow up too then WE blow up - we'd have some pretty good fights! He's trying to control me, and I'm not having it now that I realize it. It came on a little at a time.

You're right, I need to act like the adult, I guess I don't want to go thru the heartache of divorce again and wanted to get some advice.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> Just start reading up about people who have control issues to get a handle on the reality of it. Then introduce the idea to him that his issues are putting too much pressure on you. Then ask him to join you in counseling.


We had a heart to heart talk on Monday (past) and like I always do, I research a topic but I also wanted some women from here to tell me if maybe they've done something with someone who is controlling, and was successful.

I have made an appointment for us, week after next w/my therapist. I look forward to that - and I know how strange that sounds. lol


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

People will only treat you the way you allow them to. Show him you won't put up with it anymore.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

dormant said:


> People will only treat you the way you allow them to. Show him you won't put up with it anymore.


Love that quote! I've used it many times too....

:iagree:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

No you aren't doing anything wrong and yes it can be handled. But it normally requires more than just asking them to change. Typically they have to do the inner work themselves first.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Sort of - I blow up too then WE blow up - we'd have some pretty good fights! He's trying to control me, and I'm not having it now that I realize it. It came on a little at a time.
> 
> You're right, I need to act like the adult, I guess I don't want to go thru the heartache of divorce again and wanted to get some advice.


Not in a rush. Just start educating yourself on controlling people and how to combat it. Arm yourself with better responses. My H used to be really bad and once I finally changed MY part, he miraculously backed off a lot of the time. He still has a lot of passive aggressive acts, but the anger and yelling and such is pretty much gone - because I showed him that each time he went there, I was gone. Yell = alone.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> No you aren't doing anything wrong and yes it can be handled. But it normally requires more than just asking them to change. Typically they have to do the inner work themselves first.


I know he didn't get this way overnight, and I know he isn't going to change so easily....
I really feel like once he and I go talk to someone, he will be a happier person all around.

He needs to rid himself of some inner demons!


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## Laralie (May 2, 2014)

turnera said:


> meh, abusers and controllers can't 'do what they do' if you're not participating.


Agreed.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Not in a rush. Just start educating yourself on controlling people and how to combat it. Arm yourself with better responses. My H used to be really bad and once I finally changed MY part, he miraculously backed off a lot of the time. He still has a lot of passive aggressive acts, but the anger and yelling and such is pretty much gone - because I showed him that each time he went there, I was gone. Yell = alone.


Thank you! 

Since my first marriage - being so shut down and not having a voice (we never solved problems, just swept them under the rug) I feel like, not only do I take up for myself, I'm defensive.
Sometimes I think he uses that against me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Give us some typical examples and we'll give you new responses.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Give us some typical examples and we'll give you new responses.


"If someone asks me to do something and I can't bring you, then I don't need to be doing it"

That seems passive aggressive to me

Me: Honey, I'm running by CVS on my way home, you need anything?"
Him: "Why don't you come home and get me and I'll go with you?"
*And it's LITERALLY on the way home*

Me: "I need to stop and get some gas soon"
Him: "Why don't you stop and get it on the way to baseball practice instead of on the way home"
WTF does it matter? He wants to seem me as soon as possible.....my thoughts? Ummmmm will a few minutes really make that big of a difference??

Want me to keep going? lol


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> "If someone asks me to do something and I can't bring you, then I don't need to be doing it"


I don't understand this. Are you saying he won't go anywhere unless you go with him? Dangerous. BTDT. Don't allow it; YOU start going out and doing things. HIS choice to stay home like a lump on a log.



JustAGirl said:


> Me: Honey, I'm running by CVS on my way home, you need anything?"
> Him: "Why don't you come home and get me and I'll go with you?"


"Hon, I love you, but I'm not going to waste gas just to come pick you up for a stop at CVS. If you want something, tell me and I'll be glad to pick it up for you. Otherwise, I'll be home at 7 instead of 6:30. Think of something fun we can do when I get home."



JustAGirl said:


> Me: "I need to stop and get some gas soon"
> Him: "Why don't you stop and get it on the way to baseball practice instead of on the way home"


"No, that's not convenient for me. Thanks for the idea, though."

He's doing the EXACT same thing my husband did. I didn't know any better, and I kept giving in to him and doing what he wanted. Fifteen years later, my therapist had to try to get me to just say I was going to go out by myself on a Saturday afternoon (I never COULD gather the nerve to do it, not in 3 years), because I had turned into the wife who gave up her family and friends just to keep the peace and NEVER went anywhere without him. Do you get the 'why don't you go shopping on your lunch break instead of after work' one? He didn't want me spending one single second outside my 9-5 work hours away from him. Don't be like me. Keep your own life.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> I don't understand this. Are you saying he won't go anywhere unless you go with him? Dangerous. BTDT. Don't allow it; YOU start going out and doing things. HIS choice to stay home like a lump on a log.
> 
> "Hon, I love you, but I'm not going to waste gas just to come pick you up for a stop at CVS. If you want something, tell me and I'll be glad to pick it up for you. Otherwise, I'll be home at 7 instead of 6:30. Think of something fun we can do when I get home."
> 
> ...


I *AM* you!!

I think b/c of my first marriage (and my 1st husband was TOTALLY the opposite) what he says about us doing things together and spending time together made sense.

But it was the little bitty things that opened my eyes....that just blows my mind!

We battle over my son ALOT - he wants to call ALL the shots.
Our blow up this past weekend (before our calm discussion Monday) was about my son. I told him that's MY son, I will make the decisions for him and I call the shots....if I need help, and his daddy can't help me, I will come to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, your H is NOT his father so he does NOT get to call the shots. Period. Make that clear to him. Make it clear you will LEAVE him if he doesn't stop it. He may have to see you leaving to believe you. If you don't have family nearby, have money set aside so you can take your son to a hotel if he tries to take over again. Let him see you spending the night somewhere else if he tries to take over.

Now, I will tell you that my H is not a bad person. He's just very very insecure. Poor side of the tracks, never thought he was good enough, was sure I'd wise up and leave him. That's why he tried to control how much access I had to other people, so I wouldn't choose them over him. We've been married 35 years now, so he's finally gotten to the point of not being that terrified. But it never really changed until I told him about 4 years ago that I WAS going to leave him if he didn't start changing. 

Bottom line, he has to know you will leave him if he doesn't honor YOUR stuff. And day to day, he has to see in your actions that you won't give in to him just because he's insecure.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> First, your H is NOT his father so he does NOT get to call the shots. Period. Make that clear to him. Make it clear you will LEAVE him if he doesn't stop it. He may have to see you leaving to believe you. If you don't have family nearby, have money set aside so you can take your son to a hotel if he tries to take over again. Let him see you spending the night somewhere else if he tries to take over.
> 
> Now, I will tell you that my H is not a bad person. He's just very very insecure. Poor side of the tracks, never thought he was good enough, was sure I'd wise up and leave him. That's why he tried to control how much access I had to other people, so I wouldn't choose them over him. We've been married 35 years now, so he's finally gotten to the point of not being that terrified. But it never really changed until I told him about 4 years ago that I WAS going to leave him if he didn't start changing.
> 
> Bottom line, he has to know you will leave him if he doesn't honor YOUR stuff. And day to day, he has to see in your actions that you won't give in to him just because he's insecure.


I'm so glad you responded....
I remember you from my very first post a LONG time ago.
I didn't like what you had to say - but I respect what you say.

And I can see that my husband is also insecure. But he's a good person and a lot of what he says makes sense but you're right, that isn't his child and neither am I! 

I did say to him (which I was proud of - I am co-dependant and do not like conflict)
"I am 45 yrs old, 10 yrs your senior, I have had a car accident that put me in a wheelchair for 4 months, 4 sugeries, one child, one marriage and divorce, I've lived on my own for 2 years, paid my bills and held down two jobs - do NOT expect me to just lay down and let you tell me what to do or how to do it"

I have family near by, and we always seem to fight when my son is there (we alternate every week) so, I didn't want to uproot him - but I guess I will have to be prepared if I'm going to make a believer out of him!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm walking this road right now myself.... took me a while to get him to put his eyes on his own paper. Even still I struggle with not noticing when his eyes have drifted in my direction... so I'm having to be vigilant in a healthy way.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

JustAGirl said:


> "If someone asks me to do something and I can't bring you, then I don't need to be doing it"
> 
> That seems passive aggressive to me
> 
> ...


Just curious, but why do you ask him if you know the kind of answer you're going to get? I'd say just go to CVS and call him from there, or just get the gas yourself without his input.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I'm walking this road right now myself.... took me a while to get him to put his eyes on his own paper. Even still I struggle with not noticing when his eyes have drifted in my direction... so I'm having to be vigilant in a healthy way.


It isn't easy.....I mean, it's like your asking someone to be someone their not. But I really see him trying - he repeats to me what I've said, so I know he heard me.

I guess time will tell!

I was really starting to think I'd made a serious mistake and questioning everything.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Just curious, but why do you ask him if you know the kind of answer you're going to get? I'd say just go to CVS and call him from there, or just get the gas yourself without his input.


I'm one of those people - I say what I'm thinking almost to remind myself or to make conversation....so, I'm having to hold back what I say knowing what he'll come back with.

It's frustrating


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does your phone have a recording feature? Just record stuff to yourself, for yourself. Cut him out of the loop.


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## Staci_stars (May 5, 2014)

I'm a man, and have a wife who is controlling. My first wife used the term controlling to justify her affairs. I am anything but controlling..lol

My wife now ask me to wait on her to get home so we can do things together, and when she gets home she lays down on the bed and rest.. What did I learn, I do it, then tell her about it.

if your spouse is controlling, then he needs to get some counseling. Hope it works out, quitting is too easy.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Does your phone have a recording feature? Just record stuff to yourself, for yourself. Cut him out of the loop.


My phone does....guess I'm having to learn some self control too lol


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Staci_stars said:


> I'm a man, and have a wife who is controlling. My first wife used the term controlling to justify her affairs. I am anything but controlling..lol
> 
> My wife now ask me to wait on her to get home so we can do things together, and when she gets home she lays down on the bed and rest.. What did I learn, I do it, then tell her about it.
> 
> if your spouse is controlling, then he needs to get some counseling. Hope it works out, quitting is too easy.


You're right....quitting IS too easy but man oh man, we've had some knock down drag outs over this!

I basically had to break it down for him that I am NOT going to be controlled by ANYONE.
I think he's extremely insecure and I'm trying to do my part to help him feel good about himself.....


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

JustAGirl said:


> It isn't easy.....I mean, it's like your asking someone to be someone their not. But I really see him trying - he repeats to me what I've said, so I know he heard me.
> 
> I guess time will tell!
> 
> I was really starting to think I'd made a serious mistake and questioning everything.


Read Codependency No More


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Read Codependency No More


Thanks, I'll try that!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What are the battles you have over your son? And how often is your son in your home? Why does your H have no say when it comes to your son? He's his stepfather, surely he's earned some say?

I'm stepmum to my husbands 9 year old daughter, and have been in her life since she was 6. We have her 50% of the time, and i'm very involved in her life. I pick her up from school, I run her around, take care of her when she's sick, and love her as my own. It would make life very difficult if I had no say re discipline etc.


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## Garro (May 16, 2013)

I will never understand why people end up with such losers. If I had a partner acting like that I'd tell them to GTFO and get a much needed lobotomy.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Perhaps, refrain from telling what you are going to do, like CVS, and just do it. Then tell him what you did - or simply not at all. Use your judgement if it's always him responding to you in this manner. Or if you get up first in the morning and need to stop by the store, just leave a nice note at the coffee pot.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

JustAGirl said:


> We had a heart to heart talk on Monday (past) and like I always do, I research a topic but I also wanted some women from here to tell me if maybe they've done something with someone who is controlling, and was successful.
> 
> I have made an appointment for us, week after next w/my therapist. I look forward to that - and I know how strange that sounds. lol


The only thing that worked for me was leaving.

If your H really is a controlling abuser, couple counseling is likely to exacerbate the situation. He either has to own his issues and seek intense therapy for himself (which rarely works with abusers), you continue to put up with his behaviour (damaging your child in the process) or you leave.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

2galsmom said:


> Thank you for catching my typo intheory. I like Cosmos had to leave. It seems for me and others I have communicated with there seems to be a trend of once you get used to walking on eggshells and adapt coping mechanisms for their behavior by altering your life, they kick it up a notch and their controlling behavior and power seeking escalates.
> 
> One of the big punishments which does not look big and as a word of caution for those dating, is the silent treatment. Didn't "enthusiastically" say Thai food is better than Chinese? Didn't drop your call and run to the door to greet him? Now he is not talking to you? Seems like nothing right? He is a man right? They are not as verbal right? Aw, he is sensitive and loves you and you hurt him. Nope.
> 
> ...


There are always penalties in abusive relationships. If the victim manages to adapt to life on eggshells, the abuser_ has _to take things to the next level as it feels as though their 'punishment' is no longer working. New abuse strategies _have_ to be implemented as the whole walking on eggshells scenario is specifically 'designed' to keep the victim off balance, confused and in a state of chaos.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Well said Cosmos, and this is what I want to convey to others that I read in abusive relationships with passive aggressive people, the penalties. I was not aware that penalties were being issued due to the fact it was done in a passive aggressive way or in some cases that the "punishment" was remote and non-related from my "crime."

Say you got dressed up and looked beautiful, you could convey a sexual power - a perceived "slvtiness" perhaps that threatens him because other men will see you - and thus he may tell you that you look good and then punish you some other way later. Or perhaps he will say that dress would look good IF . . . 

Say you spent $ on the dress and that is also an issue that deserves to be punished as he never buys new clothing and is frugal and thus smart with his money while your new dress is preventing him the status of billionaire which he rationalizes could be achieved through frugality like Warren Buffet, so you get punished

If you start to be aware of patterns of controlling and passive aggressive people and keep a journal you see the patterns in your life once you re-read it at a later date to find out that every time you wore a pretty dress and looked beautiful you were punished somehow. Is that logical - no and thus a sign of what or who you are dealing.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Garro said:


> I will never understand why people end up with such losers. If I had a partner acting like that I'd tell them to GTFO and get a much needed lobotomy.


:lol: OP, that's what I was thinking when I read your first post and saw that dreaded word 'controlling'.

Is he nice to your son? What does your son say about him/regard him? Does your son like him?

The other thing that I've seen with controlling people, is possessiveness and unwarranted jealously with regard to the opposite sex. For eg if you look in the general direction of a man, you'll be accused of wanting him or liking him.

I think you've really got to nip this in the bud right now, OP and take your life back. Don't tell him what you're doing, just do it and tell him later, or not at all if it is something trivial. Eg the petrol station scenario you laid out above.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

2galsmom said:


> Look for punishment patterns.


Oy vey.

I 'selfishly' went to help my dad one weekend build his beach house after H said he didn't want to go and didn't want me to go. So after I left, H decided to try to remodel our garage by himself and put_ A BEAM_ up by himself! Of course, it fell on him. And for a good ten years, every time he was upset at me, the fact that I was 'gallivanting around while he was being pummeled' by roof beams was thrown at me ad nauseum. It worked. I stopped going ANYWHERE without him, just to avoid being punished like that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> The only thing that worked for me was leaving.
> 
> If your H really is a controlling abuser, couple counseling is likely to exacerbate the situation. He either has to own his issues and seek intense therapy for himself (which rarely works with abusers), you continue to put up with his behaviour (damaging your child in the process) or you leave.


Nope. Counseling doesn't work. As my IC/MC kept trying to tell me, the ONLY thing that works is for ME to have my own boundaries, not try to 'own' his feelings, and let him sit there and pout if I dare to have my own life.

Nowadays, since I'm too weak to do it after 35 years of suffering, DD23 takes him to task. Just Friday she got into it with him for saying 'I don't care, do what you want to do' and us then doing it (as the IC told us to do) and him then pouting all night long because we did. Yes, she told him he was pouting and she was sick of it. He's learning and doing it less, mainly because we (1) DO go out and do the things we want and (2) call him out on his pouting.

He would never have gotten better if we hadn't started standing up to him.

That said, I still would rather be single and not have to wait for the next event.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

intheory said:


> They will definitely punish you. A common tactic is constant criticism. They can also punish by withholding (sex, time spent with you), basically whatever they sense you would like; they withhold.


My husband cleans, lol.

DD23 actually called him out on that, too. After sighing and huffing, he got up from the couch because we weren't watching what HE wanted to watch, after he TOLD us to watch whatever, and he started cleaning the kitchen. So she went after him and told him to stop acting like a child, after 20 minutes of him saying 'nothing' was wrong. He said 'I'm not doing anything' and she said 'yes, you ARE. You're cleaning. You ALWAYS clean when you're upset and want to punish us.' 

So he came back and sat down, lol.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

turnera said:


> My husband cleans, lol.
> 
> DD23 actually called him out on that, too. After sighing and huffing, he got up from the couch because we weren't watching what HE wanted to watch, after he TOLD us to watch whatever, and he started cleaning the kitchen. So she went after him and told him to stop acting like a child, after 20 minutes of him saying 'nothing' was wrong. He said 'I'm not doing anything' and she said 'yes, you ARE. You're cleaning. You ALWAYS clean when you're upset and want to punish us.'
> 
> So he came back and sat down, lol.


What a way to live turnera! Must be exhausting.

The thing is when the kids grow up like yours they see it too - I guess you don't feel so 'crazy' thinking maybe its you that had been upsetting him the whole time. My husband is PA and my children are younger but are seeing it too now - especially the older one. It's hard to pin him down and get a straight answer out of him at times. Its so aggravating sometimes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I hope you get them counseling, at least for a while, to discuss the issue. The best thing that happened for her is that she was mentored in IC on how to deal with him. Unlike me, she doesn't take it personally when he pulls these mind games; she just gets mad. I cry.

And it is SO exhausting. He's a great, moral, caring, hard-working, brilliant person. If it weren't for the negativity and the passive aggressiveness, I'd have an amazing marriage. But that one aspect weighs me down so much I can never be happy. I wish I would have left 20 years ago when I started thinking about it.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Hey JAG:
How are you? Any changes? Be strong!


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## Merton (Mar 5, 2011)

He may be a narcissist himself! Check out the red flag pointers in this link and do some research yourself. Good luck. RED FLAGS - Learning How To Spot Them - NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

turnera said:


> I hope you get them counseling, at least for a while, to discuss the issue. The best thing that happened for her is that she was mentored in IC on how to deal with him. Unlike me, she doesn't take it personally when he pulls these mind games; she just gets mad. I cry.
> 
> And it is SO exhausting. He's a great, moral, caring, hard-working, brilliant person. If it weren't for the negativity and the passive aggressiveness, I'd have an amazing marriage. But that one aspect weighs me down so much I can never be happy. I wish I would have left 20 years ago when I started thinking about it.


The older child looks at me and shrugs her shoulders, grins or if he stalks off, she'll look at me and roll her eyes occasionally. She sees it for what it is and is slightly amused by his behaviour sometimes because it defies logic. I have also seen her get frustrated with him when he can't give a straight answer or talks in circles. Or says that yes, he's going to do xyz and he doesn't do it.

For me, the talking in circles makes me want to pull my hair out. And my husband is lovely as well, PA behaviour just makes things frustrating at times.


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## Elisabeth (Mar 8, 2014)

One thing I learned is, that no matter how accurate and in-depth our insights are, telling the spouse directly that they are controlling/diva/passive-aggresive NEVER works. They just won't get it. Not their fault mind you.
I saw someone asking you what do you think his controlling behaviour stems from. Thats the way to go about it. 
Does his being controlling occur in specific situations? I bet it roughly does. 

We cannot expect them to change something they are not even aware of. But we CAN change our reactions and our entire way of communicating, if once cought in the cross-fire, yet again. Easier said than done, but anything else leads to them clamming up in better case, and straight verbal aggression and blame shifting in the worse case. And remember to be prepared to take a LOT of heat for pointing out something that is both true and lethal to the relationship. Im not being bitter here, just describing how it usually works. Try to get past the 1st reaction for its caused by a monster brought from the darkness into the light. It will always try to defend itself


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## sumathi (Apr 23, 2014)

I do not know how controlling your husband is. Are you unable to do what you want to? Do you have ask permission to whatever you have to do. It does feel oppressive when your husband is very demanding and controlling. But you are wrong when you think you can do whatever you like in your married life and feel this is the way to live. There is nothing wrong in discussing with your husband about what you intend to do. Too much of independence ruins your marriage just like too much of controlling.


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## yruhere (Aug 28, 2012)

I'm open and honest. I laid it all out there about other issues and I got nothing back. He's in denial and sugar coats what he does wrong and blows up what I do and others as well. What is up with that? Working together is the key. Intimacy is sharing and caring...or at least I thought it was.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Hey JAG:
> How are you? Any changes? Be strong!


I don't know.....I'm in a state of depression right now.

Ready to run .......................................................


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

So sorry....


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I don't know how this will workout for you, but let me give you some technical advice about men. 

Men communicate content, women communicate emotions. 

So when you tell him "I think you're controlling" he hears a statement of fact, not a need. The right way is to say clearly "I will not tolerate you being controlling". Subtle but different. Then when a controlling situation comes up queue up the consequence. You may need to be blunt "controlling=divorce" and follow through no matter what. 

Bad behavior should have a 100% no tolerance policy. Men are really simple. Sometimes we need to be hit with a 2x4. He's controlling because you let him.


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