# Need feed back PLEASE



## thebikewidow (Oct 14, 2011)

Ok so here is the letter I'm thinking of giving my husband.... I'm at my breaking point. What do you think? 

_Are you happy? I mean truly happy? I don’t think you are, I’m not (wow that’s hard to say but it’s the truth). I haven’t been in months since the last time we had this conversation. I know you just want to avoid it and keep on going on like everything’s ok, but don’t we deserve more than that? 

I feel so detached from you. We live two different lives. I spent the summer taking the kids to the beach and the swimming hole, and you spent the summer on your bike and taking naps. Now here it is November and we are getting ready for the Holiday Mess to begin, and I’m so blah. You tell me time and time again that you are going to start making time for us, but you don’t. I have to practically beg you to spend time with me. You broke my heart when I asked if we could go to Mount Dora the weekend after your big back to back rides and you said no you had to train… I guess it was all over my face because when you looked at me you said ok and for me to book it, but you never mentioned it again. So I didn’t bother. 

I’m so tired of being everyone’s after thought. I don’t want you to do things out of guilt or pity and I don’t want us to end up hating each other. We aren’t connected; we talk about the kids, work and the bike. That’s it…. What happen to all the things we use to talk about and do? Where did they go? What does the next year or 5 years hold for us? Will there be an us? 

Things haven’t been right since the whole Puerto Rico trip incident. It started way before that but I think that was my breaking point or eye opener. 

I’ve been putting this off telling myself it’s my meds or hormones and to be honest I don’t know if it is or isn’t but I know I’m so unhappy and empty inside and so scared. I think what scared me the most is the weekend you were gone it didn’t feel any different except for dinner time. 

I’m not putting the blame on you, I hope you understand that. However I truly believe in the saying actions speak louder than words. You always say you are going to do more but never follow through. It’s not my job to plan out what we do every time, yet I’m the one who does it or we just stay home. I’m worn out, I give and give and give and get nothing in return. I want something in return…. Or let me go because at this point we are just drifting further and further apart._

Thanks in advance


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

i think you are sharing your thoughts and feelings and need to do that. otherwise, it will remain bottled up which gets you nowhere. if you are willing to work it out with him, you should also add at the end, some solid suggestions of what you need him to do to feel connected again. tell him what that "something you want in return" is at the end. concrete ideas to make it work


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would take out the "I'm not blaming you" because well,...you are and you should.


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## thebikewidow (Oct 14, 2011)

thank you.... that was a very hard letter to write.... it took me days with lots of deletes and rewrites... the words aren't news I say them but he doesn't hear them... I've always been told to be heard you must put it in writing and let them read it.. so I'm gonna give that a try. 
what I want is to be his first choice... not an after thought that's all I want... not doing things with me out of guilt or pity....


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I think its a great letter. I might also suggest ending it with a statement about the shared vision the two of you once had, and how you really want this again. Obviously, most people don't really verbalize this, but the two of you had to talk about things that you dreamed of for the future.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

I think its a very heartfelt letter. I would however add something regarding what you need and want in order to remain in this marriage.

Men are very action orientated, just telling them "I am not happy" and general past complaints does not usually work

Examples:
We need to make time for us to reconnect. I need a commitment to "Thursday" night being our couple time. We get a babysitter and go out and spend quality time together

I want us to go on that trip I want. I want you to plan a weekend for just us and surprise me, romance me, make me feel loved and like I am the most important person to you. 

Good luck with your marriage, please let me know how things work out after you talk with him.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Honestly...

Keep writing letters to your husband and keep them to yourself. Delete and write a new one everyday if needed it's therapy.

When you are ready like I was to LET MY WIFE GO then the previous writing will help to craft a great demand letter that worked for me. Really hit her hard and gave her a reality check.

I used to write her a letter everyday and when she got the real one she ACTED and our marriage is fixed.

Personally your letter would do nothing for me as your husband way to feeling oriented. That won't do the trick guaranteed it'll push him farther away thinking you are a basket case.

What eventually you have to do is make certain demands of what you need from him and give examples of how far off those demands he's been...hit him where it hurts. Your letter has to be 100% effective... and be constructed in a way to permanently fix your marriage with him. You also have to time the delivery like I did...immediately after my wife screwed up big time. It's a shock method. 

But to do that you have to reach the point if it all goes to hell you'll be OK without him! If there is love he'll react and immediately like my wife did.

I was at that point and for me the demands worked! Even after my wife pulled the ILYNILWY BS two years ago and SHUT OFF EMOTIONS for me....she's back now and I demanded sex from her to stay to my specifications in terms of quality and quantity. Even more than before the sexless period by 2.5 times.

Lack of sex caused the ILYNILWY I simply fixed it.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

From a guys perspective, this sounds like what I heard from my Wife last February. All of it after she said she wanted a divorce. I had no clue she was that far gone. From my POV we had a very good relationship and going through a down period. 

My first thought is how long have you been married and are you in your 40's. Having been a regular here since D day I have seen so many women primarily in teen years of marriage and 40's going through a disconnect. I wonder why so many in that group.

My advice to take or leave. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Guys are not mind readers. You need to be clear and seek help together for the marriage. I was very hurt and still am that I was blindsided by my best friend and lover. I can give her all the time she needs to reconnect, but with all our history and promises at the Altar she owed me more than to just to throw in the towel because she felt disconnected. 

Best wishes to you!


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## thebikewidow (Oct 14, 2011)

I just turned 37 we have been married for 16 and 1/2 years and together 18 years. We have been through 2 PA's & 1 EA by him (which I think he is in another right now), infertility, a failed adoption. We also have adopted 2 great kids but it wasn't an easy adoption we went through hell and back. We have had one hell of a ride! He refuses to go to any MC. He likes everything to look good on the outside.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

So this is his 4th affair? I didn't realize he was a serial cheater when I first started following your posts (about the bike trip and the 'friend').

This guy has carte blanche to do as he pleases, and he knows it. Nothing is ever going to change. Why you choose to stay is beyond me, don't you think you deserve a better man? Because I think you DO.


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## thebikewidow (Oct 14, 2011)

well the 1st PA (I knew about) I took full blame for. Our adoption was going south I spent every waking minute with my kids and shut the rest of the world out..... I mean everyone.... I thought if I only had them for a little while I was going to make the best of it.. give them my all...... the adoption was almost final court date set and we went to a party for his work (worked for his dad) his dad and I went looking for him and walked in on him and a co-worker... I was crushed but I understood that I was part of the blame.... while being honest with that one he slip and told me of another that had happen a few months before.... then a few years ago he became good friends w/ a woman in our hood he would call and pour his heart out to her, something happened at work he would call her he didn't and still doesnt see it as a big deal he says he has done nothing wrong.

Why did I stay... as dumb as this sounds I think alot has to do with pride... I didn't want to fail @ marriage.... and he is all I know. I'm scared to death, I had a major health scare 2 years ago that we are still dealing with it change my life lead to depression and wieght gain and to be honest I have no self esteem non whats so ever... never really had... he knows that I thnk my rose glass have been lift alot of it thanks to my 14 year old daughter... 
my parent divorced when I was 6 and didn't talk to eachother I didn't want that for my kids... but I also don't want them thinking that what I have is ok or normal.... does any of that make sense?


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## thebikewidow (Oct 14, 2011)

i fell trapped, i have nothing really i have 1 friend that's it... i have allowed him to control my life I don't even have an ATM card.... what the hell was I thinking!!!!!!!!!!!


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I'd simplify this whole thing:

"Darling. I feel detached from you and want us to recpature our connection. I want spend more time with you. This is important to me. I'd like to schedule a weekly data night. Can you commit to that for me?" 

You obviously have some resentments, which I'm sure are justified. I suspect if you got the attention you wanted, many of those old resentments would go away. 

I'd also read the 5 love languages. It's a good, short book, with clues on how each of you perceives love.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I do something shorter. I say, HI, remember me? 
I remind my H that I can tell when his mind and body are not in the same place and that it has a detrimental effect on our marriage. I encourage his outside activities mostly it's his climbing both ice and rock, because I full expect him to support what I need to do to be me that doesn't include him, but when he and I plan something or spend time together, I have a full expectation for him to be there in both body and spirit. 

It's not always going to be 100% but definitely if you feel like he is drifting and evading and while present is NOT present, call him out on it and don't bother with all the other verbage.

A marriage does require a certain amount of emotional energy, it is not simply a matter of 'kind of' showing up and playing a part and fulfilling certain duties or getting certain benefits. 

If you make it a challenge for him to be be fully present, it might get his interest and attention, that is, let him know he is kind of spacy when his energies seem to be far adrift. If your intuition is on target, and it probably is, then he will know that his thoughts and intents really do have substance. Sometimes people are so used to what is deceit but can be tactfully called getting away with giving less than 100% to the people they're with, that they lose track of the fact that it can be noticed, and is! Turn your radar on and keep it on. 

There is nothing so attractive as being told that your presence emotionally is missing. It is not something that can be faked either. Whatever is distracting him, he will be forced to manage it. Don't make the mistake of thinking that it is easy for him to change his behavior, but don't accept excuses either, people are generally capable of the same standards in a relationship as their spouse...but follow the path of least resistance because of psychological weaknesses that have been reinforced in the wrong ways.

And yes, all of what you say makes sense.

People should always make an effort to be physically and emotionally present for their families of choice and their friends and anyone else who they are obligated by duty or oath to spend time with. Our society does not call people out on the failure to do so, often enough...we look the other way when people text, put up with people talking while watching tv, or while the radio is on, juggling conversations, skimming correspondence, etc. So this makes very bad habits and poor foundation for when it really matters - family and marriages and ability to make real friends vs. party acquaintances or activity partners... Then without the real relationships, the line is blurred between what is a wife and family, and what are the other alternatives available, and if there is no difference, what difference does it make? It becomes a way of thinking, and the way of thinking becomes action.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi bikewidow ~

_"Just because something is, doesn't mean that's how it should be."_

You are not responsible for your husband's affairs. HE is fully 100% responsible for choosing to go outside your marriage, whatever the circumstances may be. He could have chosen the high road if he had wanted to.

Maybe you should post over in the "Coping with Infidelity" forum - lots of people there who have been in the same position as you and can provide guidance and support to you.

God Bless.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

After reading more of your story, I don't think you should give him the letter. It won't matter to him what's in it. It's going to be 'more of the same' and he's likely to disregard it just like he's been disregarding you.

His actions aren't new. Seems that the theme of your relationship is to seek another woman for his emotional and physical needs when things are tough between you. He won't go to counseling, so what do you have left? A lot of hurt on your end. You spend all this energy and effort chasing him. Aren't you tired of that? 

You depend on him for too much. You are an individual, not just ****'s wife.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I don't get why you're blaming yourself for HIS cheating. He sounds controlling and it appears he has completely isolated you from everyone and everything. No ATM card? We are not in the 1950's.

No one sets out to fail at marriage, but it happens. Your kids won't think you're a hero for sticking it out with this jerk.


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## thebikewidow (Oct 14, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> so what do you have left? A lot of hurt on your end. You spend all this energy and effort chasing him. Aren't you tired of that?


So very tired of that... I'm done, I've checked out..... now I guess I need to do it for real, i know what needs to be done.. it's just building up the strength and courage to do it


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## thebikewidow (Oct 14, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I don't get why you're blaming yourself for HIS cheating. He sounds controlling and it appears he has completely isolated you from everyone and everything. No ATM card? We are not in the 1950's.
> 
> No one sets out to fail at marriage, but it happens. Your kids won't think you're a hero for sticking it out with this jerk.


I blame myself only for the 1st time... well the time he was caught, because when I say I checked out I mean I checked out I spent every min the kids were awake with them cherishing everything... not knowing if when I put them to bed that night if that would be the last time... after they were asleep I was a mess I just cried and cried... I refused to do anything with anyone.... so yes I blame me for it.... 

he blames the isolation on me... but he chase any friends I make away... they all think he is an [email protected]


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## luvenlife (Nov 2, 2011)

You got to move forward, I am going thru the same thing with my wife, I have tried everything from being romantic to helping around the house and kids and working 2 jobs and all I get is a cold shoulder my wife is ill and I have stood by her side but if she is not willing to show some affection towards me. I am going to move forward, you need to take care of yourself and kids life is to short to waist it on somebody that does not care.


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## thebikewidow (Oct 14, 2011)

I want to thank you all... after reading and rereading then going back and reading my journals, I realized I'm not think of me... so I'm putting me 1st
I called a realtor, took a loan from my dad and am looking at my dream litlle house in my home town on Sat.... 
I'm the type of girl who has to just jump in I can't wade in I just end up standing on the shoreline... and after looking back over my life I realize I've been on the shore for the last 3 years.. I'ts time to jump! I'm putting me 1st!!! 
Thank you all!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

thebikewidow said:


> I want to thank you all... after reading and rereading then going back and reading my journals, I realized I'm not think of me... so I'm putting me 1st
> I called a realtor, took a loan from my dad and am looking at my dream litlle house in my home town on Sat....
> I'm the type of girl who has to just jump in I can't wade in I just end up standing on the shoreline... and after looking back over my life I realize I've been on the shore for the last 3 years.. I'ts time to jump! I'm putting me 1st!!!
> Thank you all!


I am so happy to see your awakening!! Best of luck.


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## luvenlife (Nov 2, 2011)

Great!! move forward and don't look back, things will get better and remember to take care of number 1 which is YOU and your kids. good luck!!


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Personally, I would call him an "A-HOLE" at least once in the letter. Seems to me like he spends all of his free time cycling rather than with his wife and children.

I am a prolific marathon runner (have run nearly 60 of them) but I always try to include my wife or at least plan them so that she is not negatively impacted. While she has run a few marathons with me (she'll run the bigger ones and she and I ran Paris and London on back to back weekends earlier this year), for the most part, she is not interested in running marathons. 

Sometimes she'll come out to cheer, but, other times, she'll hang out with friends or family if I am going to be gone all day. But, I always keep her in mind and plan plenty of activities around the marathons. 

If your hubby was less selfish, he would do the same and try to find a way to include you and his own children somehow in his cycling or at least not let it totally keep the family separated whether that means shorter rides or going to destinations where he could ride and then do fun events with the rest of you.

Last year, for example, I wanted to run a marathon in Hawaii, and to make it a nice experience for my wife, I made it a one week stay, booked a condo, and invited her parents along. While I had a great time running the marathon, I also ended up looking like son-in-law and hubby of the year, as well. So, if your hubby was not a selfish A-HOLE, he could do the same.

Personally, I think your letter is too soft and will just be ignored by him. Instead, puncture his bike tires or do something else that will really get his attention.


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## luvenlife (Nov 2, 2011)

"puncture his bike tires" why stoop down to that level, just better to walk away and enjoy life. it will hurt him more to see that you are not thinking twice about it.


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## thebikewidow (Oct 14, 2011)

I'm not giving him the letter.... why bother, he knows how I feel. I also think he knows something is up, but I don't care.
I meet with the realtor tomorrow @ 10 while he is gone for the day riding, I'm scared and excited about it. If I like the house I can close in 30 days... I've been by it a million times looked in all the windows, even started dreaming of how I would do the yard... I have checked out of marriage and the last week has been ok... I found all my hidden money and opened my own savings yesterday, worked on my budget again and told my best friend, who said it's about time! LOL I know I have a long hard road ahead of me but I'm ready for the journey.... (I think)


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## thebikewidow (Oct 14, 2011)

Caliguy.... fun we are going to a bike bash this weekend, at his request. The only thing I want to do is bash his bike..... however while it would feel soooo good doing it, that feeling wouldn't last long and it would teach my kids the right lesson.... 
once when I was sick and needed him to stay home I did let all of the air out of his tires that's when I learned they get filled up and checked before everyride... needless to say he rode that day


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