# Don't know no more



## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

I'm 30 and my wife is 35. We have been married for 10 years. A year ago I found out she cheated on me. The affair lasted for 4 months. When I started suspecting her I kept and added up all of the dates when she started to dress more sexier, and started getting happier every day. My suspicions were verified when she came into our house with red roses with a card with the name of Philip on it. She obviously forgot to hide the card. Basically, I questioned her and got all of the answers I needed. I curtly requested her to drop OM and create NC between the 2 of them. We went to marriage counseling for 3 months soon after but we dropped out because I felt I was being blamed for her affair.

Last year was really tough on me. We would argue about her affair a lot. She didn't want to spend a lot of time with me except going to counseling (which sucked). 

Well now the roles are sort of reversed. I'm the one who is distant and she's trying to be remorseful and caring. She tells me she's so sorry for nearly destroying me last year and for not being there for me when I needed her the most. Those words do not help but piss me off even more deep inside me. I'm so angry at her than when I found out about who she really is a year ago. I never had an opportunity to fully let her have a piece of my mind. Never had that chance to really yell at her. I feel it growing as I type this right now.

Don't even like having sex with her that much anymore either. After we have sex she tries to hold me and cuddle with me but I just pull out and go downstairs and watch TV like nothing happened. She told me yesterday she's tired of me leaving her after sex and I got mad and told her if she hadn't treated me with the same heartlessness last year we'd be fine. That shut her mouth right there. I don't know what I should do. I'm leaning a little towards divorce but I'm still uncertain about it. What should I do folks.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why ARE you still with her? Do you love her? Do you want to work through it?

I guess my thinking is if you want to work things out with her, the two of you need to communicate more effectively. Holding your feelings inside is just going to continue to build the resentment. It might be painful for her to hear how she hurt you and how she made you feel, but them's the breaks.

If you can't communicate effectively with just the two of you, you need to find a counselor that you both are comfortable with. 

Good luck! There is some resources online about "love busters" and tools to use to try to identify each other's needs...

C


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Affaircare and MarriageBuilders have good resources on rebuilding things after an affair. 

Good luck


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

PBear said:


> So why ARE you still with her? Do you love her? Do you want to work through it?


I don't know that much. I still love her a little bit, but am I wrong for feeling how I feel?



> I guess my thinking is if you want to work things out with her, the two of you need to communicate more effectively. Holding your feelings inside is just going to continue to build the resentment. It might be painful for her to hear how she hurt you and how she made you feel, but them's the breaks.


I want to let her know how I really feel but sometimes I think if me going hard on her will change anything. I don't feel good knowing she treated me like mud, then wanting to be sorry the next minute. 



> If you can't communicate effectively with just the two of you, you need to find a counselor that you both are comfortable with.


Already tried that and it was a moot point because the counselor was biased. She kept saying because I worked my butt off being the breadwinner that somehow it was my fault that she cheated.



> Good luck! There is some resources online about "love busters" and tools to use to try to identify each other's needs...


Quite frankly, I'm tired of meeting her needs. I feel like I've been serving her ever since she got to have her little "fun" with her co-worker. Now she wants to spend time with me because she doesn't want to lose me?

I just don't know if I should stay or go. I'm conflicted and pissed at the same time.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

NotAnyMore100 said:


> I don't know that much. I still love her a little bit, but am I wrong for feeling how I feel?
> I want to let her know how I really feel but sometimes I think if me going hard on her will change anything. I don't feel good knowing she treated me like mud, then wanting to be sorry the next minute.
> Already tried that and it was a moot point because the counselor was biased. She kept saying because I worked my butt off being the breadwinner that somehow it was my fault that she cheated.
> Quite frankly, I'm tired of meeting her needs. I feel like I've been serving her ever since she got to have her little "fun" with her co-worker. Now she wants to spend time with me because she doesn't want to lose me?
> I just don't know if I should stay or go. I'm conflicted and pissed at the same time.


No you are feeling exactly the way you should and your therapist is a bad one. The fact that your supposted contribution to the problems in the relationship is brought up before she has atoned is rediculous. You are the injured party, no talk of marital problems until she has truely atoned for her betrayal of you. Get the e book "how can I forgive you" by j. Abrahms - Singer you can download it - through i tunes. I struggled with forgiveness and this was the most helpful book I read. It completely goes against all of the overworked and unsuccessful advice to forgive and forget. 

You are the injured party why while you have to stuff your feelings to make life easier for a liar and cheat. You have been asked to give cheap forgivenes and it is not working - get the book please and get rid of the therapist. If your wife wants to work on the relationship it will take more than words. You can bring up the affair when ever you need to, it's too bad if she wants to move if there is movement it is because you are ready. You need a chance to express you rage at your betrayal and her atonement is to listen and feel your pain. I wish you the very best and I hope you get the book and tell your wife what she needs to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

PBear said:


> So why ARE you still with her? Do you love her? Do you want to work through it?
> 
> I guess my thinking is if you want to work things out with her, the two of you need to communicate more effectively. Holding your feelings inside is just going to continue to build the resentment. It might be painful for her to hear how she hurt you and how she made you feel, but them's the breaks.
> 
> ...





Catherine602 said:


> No you are feeling exactly the way you should and your therapist is a bad one. The fact that your supposted contribution to the problems in the relationship is brought up before she has atoned is rediculous. You are the injured party, no talk of marital problems until she has truely atoned for her betrayal of you. Get the e book "how can I forgive you" by j. Abrahms - Singer you can download it - through i tunes. I struggled with forgiveness and this was the most helpful book I read. It completely goes against all of the overworked and unsuccessful advice to forgive and forget.
> 
> You are the injured party why while you have to stuff your feelings to make life easier for a liar and cheat. You have been asked to give cheap forgivenes and it is not working - get the book please and get rid of the therapist. If your wife wants to work on the relationship it will take more than words. You can bring up the affair when ever you need to, it's too bad if she wants to move if there is movement it is because you are ready. You need a chance to express you rage at your betrayal and her atonement is to listen and feel your pain. I wish you the very best and I hope you get the book and tell your wife what she needs to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks Cat. I already got rid of her. It was uncomfortable for me to sit there and take that as my cheating wife sat next to me. I will check out that book and talk to her tomorrow. Need time to think this through. I'll update in the morning or something. Good night.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

Woke up to seeing her getting ready for work, so I tried telling her how I felt this morning, but she said she had to be at work today. Told her it was important that she stay and she said she couldn't talk right now and then tried to give me a kiss on the lips before she left. I moved my face away and told her to go. Paused and said she was so sorry and would call me later when she gets in the building if I wanted to talk.

I'm numb now.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

So I talked to my wife this evening when she came home from work (didn't bother answering her calls earlier). Told her I wanted a separation. She begged and cried for a long time, telling me that we will get better and I said no. I told her I was even more disrespected that she would walk out our door when I had something important to talk to her about. I told her that I had wanted to talk to her about me fully reconciling with her but now it's too late. When she said her boss would've been very angry I interrupted her right there and told her to just pack a bag and get out. She tried to talk again but I screamed at her to leave and she turned to do so without a word, with tears in her eyes. Before she left I told her to give me my key and she put the key in my hand abruptly and slammed the screen door on her way out. Drove off as fast as she could.

I called my MIL and told her what happened and she said she'll call her to calm her down, and hoped I could forgive her in time. Talked to my mother too, and told me she'll stick by me with whatever decision I make and to take care of myself at all times. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders with her gone. Maybe I need the space. Anyway, just wanted to update on what's been going on.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

The lesson learned is that you have to do what's best for you. You've been burned ... bad and you can't unring that bell of betrayal. Your wife needs to understand that - it's not something to just sweep under the rug and hope that is just goes away with time. I admire you for recognizing your feelings and for taking your space if that's what you feel you really need. Who knows? You may end up seeing things differently and wanting to really try to reconcile or you may end up feeling like you no longer want to compromise yourself or your feelings. As the people who were cheated on and lied to, we need to remember the concept of self-preservation. No matter how much it hurts or how hard it may be, you can't lose yourself entirely just to save a marriage. good luck.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

blownaway said:


> The lesson learned is that you have to do what's best for you. You've been burned ... bad and you can't unring that bell of betrayal. Your wife needs to understand that - it's not something to just sweep under the rug and hope that is just goes away with time. I admire you for recognizing your feelings and for taking your space if that's what you feel you really need. Who knows? You may end up seeing things differently and wanting to really try to reconcile or you may end up feeling like you no longer want to compromise yourself or your feelings. As the people who were cheated on and lied to, we need to remember the concept of self-preservation. No matter how much it hurts or how hard it may be, you can't lose yourself entirely just to save a marriage. good luck.


Thanks. Sometimes I just think what the hell have I gotten myself into. I can't believe my life is like this. Maybe I'll feel like reconciling soon but I think I may need a few weeks away from her.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Something tough you need to look at is what needs were you not meeting that lead to go to the OM? Don't get me wrong - cheating is out and out wrong. 

Usually in an affair the WS wayward spouse is looking for something - whether it be affection, sex, family commitment etc. So there is usually a cause on both side that lead someone to cheat. 

Take some rest time for yourself and work on your own well being. Seems like she is finally waking up to the fact that being without you is not the greener place to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

Powerbane said:


> Something tough you need to look at is what needs were you not meeting that lead to go to the OM? Don't get me wrong - cheating is out and out wrong.
> 
> Usually in an affair the WS wayward spouse is looking for something - whether it be affection, sex, family commitment etc. So there is usually a cause on both side that lead someone to cheat.
> 
> ...


She claims in biased counseling that I worked too many long hours and me working on my first novel pushed her away. I thought we were okay with my schedule. Me being nice, I successfully convinced my boss to lower my hours to fit in more time being at home. Now I feel like what I did was a waste. If she had a problem she should've came to me, not her former co-worker.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

I still don't think I'm at fault for her affair. She made the decision to do that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

NotAnyMore100, you're right, she made the decision to have an affair. She could have easily come and talked to you before it happened, and told you that the hours you were working were pushing her away. She could have divorced from you before she found her fling. She didn't chose to do either of those (or any other option).

The question now is, what are you going to do about it? Your idea of a separation doesn't sound like a bad start to me. Get your thoughts organized without her in your space.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

C


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

You're not at fault. I'm not saying that at all. The choice was all hers. 

What I am saying is she didn't feel comfortable coming to you with her problems. That is your job to figure out why. Maybe she thought you were working too much and didn't care or have time for her. I'm not sticking up for her cheating on you - oh heck NO!

There had to be some reason that in her mind justified going to the OM. Unless she's just a narcissistic B1tch and is being selfish and just wanted to do it because she could. Never know - that could be it too. But she's stayed with you. There had to be a reason or need that you are meeting that made her realize it was not greener elsewhere. 

I think you're doing the right thing BTW - with the separation. Take time to clear your head and figure out your next steps with this beast of a mess.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

NotAnyMore100 said:


> She claims in biased counseling that I worked too many long hours and me working on my first novel pushed her away. I thought we were okay with my schedule. Me being nice, I successfully convinced my boss to lower my hours to fit in more time being at home. Now I feel like what I did was a waste. If she had a problem she should've came to me, not her former co-worker.


Dude we have a lot of similarities. My wife had an affair with her co-worker. The EA lasted a month, but there was only one partial sex act. The difference is that whereas my wife has jumped thru hoops to regain trust, your wife hasn't stepped up to the plate, so to speak. I think your separation is a good idea, because she wasn't taking you seriously, I bet she is now>


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

PBear said:


> NotAnyMore100, you're right, she made the decision to have an affair. She could have easily come and talked to you before it happened, and told you that the hours you were working were pushing her away. She could have divorced from you before she found her fling. She didn't chose to do either of those (or any other option).
> 
> The question now is, what are you going to do about it? Your idea of a separation doesn't sound like a bad start to me. Get your thoughts organized without her in your space.
> 
> ...


Thanks man. I just wish she could've told me something and I would've been happy to do whatever I could.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> Dude we have a lot of similarities. My wife had an affair with her co-worker. The EA lasted a month, but there was only one partial sex act. The difference is that whereas my wife has jumped thru hoops to regain trust, your wife hasn't stepped up to the plate, so to speak. I think your separation is a good idea, because she wasn't taking you seriously, I bet she is now>


Yea probably. I don't know if she's ever going to shape up. We talked briefly 20-minutes ago. She made it to her mother's house. She tried telling me she was sorry and I told her goodnight and hung up. Just want her to realize I'm serious.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

When you have gotten her attention, then lay down the law. Follow Affaircare's tips as to re-conciliation. If you are wanting to reconcile. If not, go out, have some fun, meet other ladies and enjoy life.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

I have to say that there must've been something that's worth salvaging for you to stick it out this long as I'd have waved ended it the second I heard about her running around. I'd have given her the benefit of the doubt about her boss today and then heard her out because there must be a reason that you stuck it out so long and, as we all know, bosses can be jacka**es.

Let me reiterate though, the relationship would've been off so you're a better man than I. Tip of the hat to you, sir.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

NotAnyMore100 said:


> I still don't think I'm at fault for her affair. She made the decision to do that.


I don't think that any problem in a relationship should be discussed until the transgressor has atoned for her betrayal. The fact that she wants to brings up the problems that she wants to use as an excuse for her affair shows that she is not truly sorry. The fact that she got angry when you told her to leave and not sadness shows she still thinks that you did something that made her cheat and you have no right to demand that she atone. 

She seems to think she is the injured party and I think you can only reconcile when she is willing to jump through hoops to get you back. Don't reconcile cheaply, she will not respect you if you forgive her easily. She will have the impression that you are desperate and she can treat you any way she wants. She may have done this in the year since her affair. 

She should apologize for slamming the door she has no right to do that. When you cut someones heart and then show anger when they cry out that means you don't think very much of them and you have no sympathy for their pain. I would go to the gym dress nicely, go out with friends become mysterious and treat her in a careless and offhand way. If she shows you the right respect then she can work at winning you back, if not, get rid of her and get someone better. 

You are more important than an angry boss if she gets that wrong then you are not high on here priority list. She is too sure of you, if she is trying to get back in your good graces she would have stopped right when you asked her because if something is important to you it should be for her. 

You don't sound like a hard hearted man but you have to build up a shell. I can tell you as a woman that you will get more respect if a woman is absolutely sure you will leave if she eefffs-up. If I cheated my husband would divorce me, he never said it but he will not take any disrespect from me in even the small things so i know that one is too big for him to take. 

So you have to develop clear boundaries with your wife and expect her to treat you like the most important person in her life. She does not respect you enough don't take her back if she continues to disrespect you. You will have decades of unhappiness and maybe a repeat of the cheating.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Glad to hear that you are respecting yourself. It sounds like you gave her many opportunities for contrition. Watch for false contrition now. If you are thinking about reconciliation, you will need to see concrete acts. If she is not willing to do the work, move on. Good luck.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

Thanks folks. I appreciate it. You're correct Catherine. I'm not hard, but I'm trying to build up a shield now. Wife's been blowing up my phone all last night and this morning leaving voicemails composed of mostly cries and sniffles about how sorry she was and how she needs me. Had to cut it off and buy a prepaid phone.

I called her mother to see if she was there and she told me she was at work. With that info, I put most of her things in my truck and moved it in her mother's house this morning. I'll be delivering the rest of her crap tomorrow. My house looks a little cleaner too when I came back. Maybe I'll talk to my wife in a week or two and ask if she's ready to fix it or split it.

Think I'll go out with my buddies and shoot some hoops. Haven't seen them in a while.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

I've been trying to feel better in the past few days and I've been thinking a lot. Sitting at home and analyzing everything me and my wife went through in this marriage. So I called my wife an hour ago and we talked. I told her flat out we should continue being separated until I see her in divorce court. The talk didn't go so well and some very mean words were traded. I just don't think I can take anymore of this going back and forth so I'm going to be consulting with my lawyer first thing Monday morning to end it.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

I'm a wreck now. I know I'm the one that's going to pull the trigger on this marriage but I just wish I didn't have to. This hurts a lot.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

NAM it feels bad now but the alternative is begging her to come back and living with an unrepentant spouse. The pain you feel now will be repeated every time you look at her. You will also live with doubt that she will cheat again. In addition, she will want instant forgiveness so she feels as little guilt as possible. You are in control of the action now and you leave with your dignity intact.

I know this site is pro marriage, so I must tell you that I beleive that there are few situations where a spouse should be forgiven. If they confess with obvoiu remorse and an strong willingness to atone and live your pain to help you get through. Also they do not talk about you being responsible for their cheating. 

The program that is advance on this sites recommends a number of strategies to get an unrepentant spouse back. But it seems to take prostrating yourself to the deceiver. I do can't see that as healthy for the injured party unless it is neccessary for financial reason and can be used by the injured party to buy time to get their eggs in a row to leave in 2. - 5 years. 

I think what you are doing is healthy for you. You can work on yourself, which you would have had to do anyway and start a fresh relationship with someone who has not betrayed you. I hope this helps to ameliorate your pain. In a sense you are leaving damage goods, since she wants you back. Not for revenge but because it is healthy. I wish you the very best and (((((hugs)))) for now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

NotAnyMore100 said:


> I still don't think I'm at fault for her affair. She made the decision to do that.


:iagree:

You're not at fault for her affair! Good job in drop kicking her ass out! She needs to _feel_ the consequences of her actions! No consequences for actions means no motivation for change!

Personally, I'd just drop her ass and be done it! BTW, you had better cancel any and all credit cards, otherwise she'll rack up debt on you! Get a separate bank account, and protect all of your assets! You don't have children with her do you? If not, just Divorce this woman, and thank God you don't have to be tied to her forever!

Lastly, it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do in the marriage, there's no excuse to cheat, EVER! You could've done everything right and she still would have screwed some other man, she sounds like a cake eater to me.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

NotAnyMore100 said:


> I'm a wreck now. I know I'm the one that's going to pull the trigger on this marriage but I just wish I didn't have to. This hurts a lot.


Look at it this way, better to do it now, than in 10 or 20 years from now, after she's slept with 5 or 6 more men while you had to remain faithful!

She's clearly not remorseful, you had better protect yourself, like I said, that includes your house, finances, even retirement plans like a 401K and pensions. Get rid of those credit cards!


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> NAM it feels bad now but the alternative is begging her to come back and living with an unrepentant spouse. The pain you feel now will be repeated every time you look at her. You will also live with doubt that she will cheat again. In addition, she will want instant forgiveness so she feels as little guilt as possible. You are in control of the action now and you leave with your dignity intact.
> 
> I know this site is pro marriage, so I must tell you that I beleive that there are few situations where a spouse should be forgiven. If they confess with obvoiu remorse and an strong willingness to atone and live your pain to help you get through. Also they do not talk about you being responsible for their cheating.
> 
> ...


Thanks once again Cat. I feel so broken as a man now. You're correct when she was living with me I looked at her and all I could mostly see was her and someone else getting it on. Guess I just reached my tolerance level. Still stings though. I never wanted revenge, I just wanted her to feel completely remorseful and be there for me.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

Thanks Darth Vader. I have a strong prenup in place so that will help cover me. A small part of me still hopes she'll change and is willing to fight for our marriage before we end up in divorce court.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

NotAnyMore100 said:


> Thanks Darth Vader. I have a strong prenup in place so that will help cover me. A small part of me still hopes she'll change and is willing to fight for our marriage before we end up in divorce court.


Whoa, a prenup, how did you con- I mean convince her into doing that with you?

You realize that prenups don't stand up well(sometimes not at all)in a court of law, I'm not sure why, but in any case, I'd still have a really good Lawyer to make sure _everything, and I do mean everything is in check_! Still, cancel all those credit cards now, so when STBXHEX- I mean Ex goes shopping, she can't use those cards, or your bank account(get a separate account and put your paycheck there). You have to cut her off entirely!

BTW, it's very good that you made her leave(I love that), she cheats, she leaves!

I re-read your statement about how a small part of you wants her back.........

UMM...... WHY? The OM actually did you a favor in some sick twisted demented way! I mean, you could've had children with her and be stuck seeing that jerk of a wife for the rest of your life, good riddance!


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

I can't believe that there hasn't been some more sense talked in here before now. Look, I too found out my wife had not just one affair but two, and they lasted over a period of nearly 3 years without me finding out. When I did it nearly destroyed me. 

Almost a year later and our marriage has been put back together and we are both wonderfully happy and doing better than ever. It is amazing and a year ago if you had told me we could get to this point I wouldn't believe you. 

Look, no you are not 'at fault' for the affair, she made the inexcuseable choice to take that step. But from my perspective from what has been said here you are not taking any responsibility for the state of the relationship that led to the affair. Wandering spouses are fully responsible for making the choice to go outside of the marriage, but in 99.99999% of cases those (inexcuseable) choices come out of a situation where needs are not being met and there are issues going on in the marriage.

My marriage was saved because I was able to take ownership of the fact that there were contibuting factors to our marital problems that did come from my side. 

Maybe I am missing something but from what I have read in this thread it sounds to me like your wife is remorseful and wants to reconcile, but it sounds as though you are unwilling to admit to any fault in the problems that led to her poor choices, and in failing to address those areas you are the reason that your marriage is not able to move forward. 

Now infidelity is surely justifiable grounds for divorce and if you aren't willing to forgive her then maybe that is your best choice. But your marriage can work, but you have to step back and be willing to look at what was deficient in it - and you BOTH contributed to that. When both parties can make the nescesary changes then healing and restoration can begin.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

Darth Vader said:


> Whoa, a prenup, how did you con- I mean convince her into doing that with you?
> 
> You realize that prenups don't stand up well(sometimes not at all)in a court of law, I'm not sure why, but in any case, I'd still have a really good Lawyer to make sure _everything, and I do mean everything is in check_! Still, cancel all those credit cards now, so when STBXHEX- I mean Ex goes shopping, she can't use those cards, or your bank account(get a separate account and put your paycheck there). You have to cut her off entirely!
> 
> ...


Thanks again Darth. There is a pretty strong prenup in place, which WILL stand out in court and I have a very good lawyer and his reputation proceeds him. I know I filed for divorce but I can't pretend I don't have any feelings left for her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

HopeinHouston said:


> I can't believe that there hasn't been some more sense talked in here before now. Look, I too found out my wife had not just one affair but two, and they lasted over a period of nearly 3 years without me finding out. When I did it nearly destroyed me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't think you can reconcile with a spouse who is unwilling to atone for the pain she has caused though. Atonement and a true effort to commiserate with the wounded spouse and feel their pain is a sign of true remorse. She seems angry she got caught. Slamming the door is not a sign a a person who is concentrating on feeling her husbands pain, slamming the door adds insult to injury. . 

To me, its a sign of anger what did he do to incite her anger? He expressed pain would that cause a repentant spouse to resort to anger? Maybe I am wrong but he seems in possession of his senses, he will do what is right. 

I am so glad you were able to save your marriage, you had true repentance, I don't see that here. Perhaps you had children and that weighed in favor of staying? He does not. I hope if there is a chance that it can work out then I hope he is swayed by your words and gives it a try. But if she is unwilling to repent then I don't think he needs to talk about his problems. I think it is unhealthy to fully forgive an unrepentant person.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

NotAnyMore100 said:


> I still don't think I'm at fault for her affair. She made the decision to do that.


I was told the same thing by the counselor (fixing the blame instead of fixing the problem) as you when my W had the EA. Then I thought perhaps it has been my fault for a small percentage say five or seven percents. That I could accept.

M.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

HopeinHouston said:


> I can't believe that there hasn't been some more sense talked in here before now. Look, I too found out my wife had not just one affair but two, and they lasted over a period of nearly 3 years without me finding out. When I did it nearly destroyed me.
> 
> Almost a year later and our marriage has been put back together and we are both wonderfully happy and doing better than ever. It is amazing and a year ago if you had told me we could get to this point I wouldn't believe you.
> 
> ...


I think it's much less than 99.9999999% that there are contributing factors. There are spouses that do _everything_ possible to fufill said needs, yet their spouses still cheat, however, when it comes down to it, often the WS just _wanted a little strange_. I have to wonder how many WS's have done this and will _never_ admit it! So take that part into consideration, your case included, and you'll probably find those numbers much much lower than you would want to believe!

Why would the WS never admit something so sick, well, if you look at the fact that they have already Lied, cheated and stole parts of your life, dignity, self worth and respect, well, that ought to tell you right there, they want to shift at least some of the blame of their actions onto the BS in whatever way possible. I feel that this is a manipulative way by the WS _in some cases_ to undermine the BS in any retaliatory actions (a form of Blameshifting by WS towards BS) made by the BS towards the WS, such as accountability, loss of time spent in hobbies, with friends, where they're at, certain activities or even Divorce.

Then again, you have have to remember going into _any_ marriage, _NO ONE'S PERFECT_! No one can do it all! No one is capable of meeting any and all needs at any and all times, there's just no way possible! Take that into consideration, then you see how flawed this arguement of not meeting someone elses needs is. It's blowing smoke at you, if not also crap at you!

To the poster of this post, I think when you get to the heart of it, your wife cheated on you because she wanted a little strange, whether in whole or in part makes no difference. Then she used the "he didn't meet my needs" line(Blameshifting Tactic!)! I think this is used more as a ploy (last ditch effort) so full responsibility is not taken by the WS.


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## LuckyCharmH (Jan 4, 2010)

NotAnyMore100 you done what everyone man who's wife cheated. but I still don't understand why you waited that long after her cheating to finally kicking her out. you took the correct path by asking for a divorce. 
I was in love with my ex girl friend deeply we been together few years and once i found out she cheated I left her without a second thought. it did hurt deeply, couldnt sleep, depression, angry, how can the one I'm with sleep with another man, I just couldnt look at her any more and Couldnt even talk, i was very disguested and jealouse and angry. 
I met someone else, now I'm married to that someone and have three kids, very happy.
I believe you should left the minute you found out she cheated.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

Thanks folks. I'm just going through a lot of feelings that range from sadness, anger, the usual. I admit I still love her, but I'm very slowly coming to grips that I need to cut her out of my life forever.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

Darth Vader said:


> I think it's much less than 99.9999999% that there are contributing factors. There are spouses that do _everything_ possible to fufill said needs, yet their spouses still cheat, however, when it comes down to it, often the WS just _wanted a little strange_. I have to wonder how many WS's have done this and will _never_ admit it! So take that part into consideration, your case included, and you'll probably find those numbers much much lower than you would want to believe!
> 
> Why would the WS never admit something so sick, well, if you look at the fact that they have already Lied, cheated and stole parts of your life, dignity, self worth and respect, well, that ought to tell you right there, they want to shift at least some of the blame of their actions onto the BS in whatever way possible. I feel that this is a manipulative way by the WS _in some cases_ to undermine the BS in any retaliatory actions (a form of Blameshifting by WS towards BS) made by the BS towards the WS, such as accountability, loss of time spent in hobbies, with friends, where they're at, certain activities or even Divorce.
> 
> ...


Thanks Darth once again. I know I wasn't a perfect spouse but I tried to love her as much as possible, even shortly after her affair, but I guess this is just too much for me to handle anymore. She knows I was never the type to yell at her for no reason or get mad over "petty things." I worked a lot but I made sure to call her and let her know that she was on my mind, and even had phone sex while I was on break. You're probably right about her wanting some strange.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

LuckyCharmH said:


> NotAnyMore100 you done what everyone man who's wife cheated. but I still don't understand why you waited that long after her cheating to finally kicking her out. you took the correct path by asking for a divorce.
> I was in love with my ex girl friend deeply we been together few years and once i found out she cheated I left her without a second thought. it did hurt deeply, couldnt sleep, depression, angry, how can the one I'm with sleep with another man, I just couldnt look at her any more and Couldnt even talk, i was very disguested and jealouse and angry.
> I met someone else, now I'm married to that someone and have three kids, very happy.
> I believe you should left the minute you found out she cheated.


Thanks Lucky. Maybe I should've left when I first found out. I wanted to and she knew it also. I'm sorry for what happened to you and glad you're happy. Least you're not messed up like me anymore.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

NotAnyMore100 said:


> Thanks Darth once again. I know I wasn't a perfect spouse but I tried to love her as much as possible, even shortly after her affair, but I guess this is just too much for me to handle anymore. She knows I was never the type to yell at her for no reason or get mad over "petty things." I worked a lot but I made sure to call her and let her know that she was on my mind, and even had phone sex while I was on break. You're probably right about her wanting some strange.


I think you're missing part of it my friend, this also goes for the WS's as well, if not more so! Because THEY know, and knew before marriage that there's always a possibility of not meeting one's needs or neglect, even if it's not intensional. That says right there, there's no "it just happened" BULLCRAP! It "happened" because they wanted it to happen!


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

Thanks Darth. My wife talked to my parents today and told them I was being evil and wanted to divorce her for no reason, and my parents still believe her after I even gave them an explanation.

Now this is making me really angry.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Just wanted to pipe in and say it is no way your fault for working long hours!!! My husband at one point in our marriage worked 70 hours a week for months and not once did I consider an affair. I was supportive since he was the one working for our family. Ironic that he's the one that had an affair and I just found out two days ago. It's helpful reading everyone's advice and knowing I'm not alone. He's remorseful and regretful and wants to get therapy. I can't imagine doing this with a spouse who's not repentant. You tried, she failed you.


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

Saffron said:


> Just wanted to pipe in and say it is no way your fault for working long hours!!! My husband at one point in our marriage worked 70 hours a week for months and not once did I consider an affair. I was supportive since he was the one working for our family. Ironic that he's the one that had an affair and I just found out two days ago. It's helpful reading everyone's advice and knowing I'm not alone. He's remorseful and regretful and wants to get therapy. I can't imagine doing this with a spouse who's not repentant. You tried, she failed you.


Thanks Saffron. I'm sorry for what you've discovered. Yes she has failed me. Just can't believe my own parents are siding with her and not their own son. That hurts.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

NotAnyMore100 said:


> Thanks Darth. My wife talked to my parents today and told them I was being evil and wanted to divorce her for no reason, and my parents still believe her after I even gave them an explanation.
> 
> Now this is making me really angry.


So you didn't tell your parents what was going on before she did?

You need to expose this affair out in the open to everyone you both know before she has everyone believing her LIES!


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

Darth Vader said:


> So you didn't tell your parents what was going on before she did?
> 
> You need to expose this affair out in the open to everyone you both know before she has everyone believing her LIES!


You also need to tell your parents that your wife is screwing around on you with another man, if you haven't done so yet!

Your parents are really gonna regret listening to her and taking her side on this situation!


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## NotAnyMore100 (Dec 27, 2010)

Darth Vader said:


> You also need to tell your parents that your wife is screwing around on you with another man, if you haven't done so yet!
> 
> Your parents are really gonna regret listening to her and taking her side on this situation!


They already know about her cheating. I told them I was basically tired of her crap and couldn't handle her cheating and that info. just went through one ear and out the other. Told me I needed to take her home and forgive her already. She's obviously made up a good ass story because right now they're completely warped.


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

NotAnyMore100 said:


> I'm 30 and my wife is 35. We have been married for 10 years. A year ago I found out she cheated on me. The affair lasted for 4 months. When I started suspecting her I kept and added up all of the dates when she started to dress more sexier, and started getting happier every day. My suspicions were verified when she came into our house with red roses with a card with the name of Philip on it. She obviously forgot to hide the card. Basically, I questioned her and got all of the answers I needed. I curtly requested her to drop OM and create NC between the 2 of them. We went to marriage counseling for 3 months soon after but we dropped out because I felt I was being blamed for her affair.
> 
> Last year was really tough on me. We would argue about her affair a lot. She didn't want to spend a lot of time with me except going to counseling (which sucked).
> 
> ...


What you're experiencing sounds like a typical reaction to the situation you had to go through. There will be anger & resentment from boht your parts & then possibly guilt from her...followed by a period of anger from you...It's a rollercoaster for sure.

Someone already responded with info from Marriagebuilders. Please take a look at it.

Post-affair recovery is not for whimps, but it can be done.

One more thing: Get rid of that therapist. The therapist is way off base.


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