# Friday night he called me and I was forced to make the most awful decision...



## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

I am going through hell with my husband...This is my story, if you're interested in reading it, I posted it in general discussion a few weeks ago. 


So, fast forward to now. He told me three weeks ago that he was leaving his home in Canada, not telling me where he was going, an basically that I had turned him into a "monster" because I was such a monster myself, so I better pray we never meet again. 

I heard nothing from him then for three weeks except one very strange e-mail wishing me a Happy Valentine's day, with a thinly veiled threat involved in it, too. I'm not sure if he meant it to be threatening, but after how unstable he had been and all the horrible things he said to me, I was kind of scared of him.

Then he called me Friday night, basically singing a whole new tune of wanting us to work out. He insisted that he would agree to almost anything, if only I would agree to work things out with him, and come back to him. He insisted he loved ME, he wanted ME (one of the things we had fought about in the past was how dismissive he was of me and how often he would indicate I was a disappointment to him, and that I was nothing special...he often would launch into detailed fantasies about asking other women to join us for a menage a trois, or just having other women around for when he got tired of me), and that he had changed and wanted to put the past behind us and work on things for the future.

I had been preparing myself for this phone call because I knew it would come, I knew he was most likely not truly gone for good, but I had hoped that when he called my path would be made clear to me, that either I would be certain we had a hope of working out and that I should try again with him, or certain that we had no chance and I should tell him to eff off. 

But nothing was clear to me at all. He begged me to please just trust him one more time, to just try one more time. He acted very sincere (though even now he sees us as having equal responsibility in destroying our marriage, and that I have to promise to work as hard at changing as he does, and it's really hard for me to judge how much responsibility I have in it, but everyone who knows the situation insists that he is the one that screwed things up), and I told him that he was talking a good story but I simply could not trust him that he was being sincere. He asked me what he would have to do to earn back my trust, and I felt just awful because I honestly didn't even know what to tell him. Now, in retrospect, I have an idea, I think, of what it might take, or at least of what his only chance would be, but at the time, I said I didn't know.

He got so frustrated, and devastated, and would not even allow the conversation to end. We talked for hours, and eventually stopped talking about us, and just started talking about other things, and actually were having a good conversation. So thats when I decided things had to end. I was going to get sucked back into chatting with him about common ground, and the temptation was going to get strong to forget about the bad, and forget about what brought us to this place, and tell myself things weren't so bad. And maybe that's what I should have let happen. Maybe my fear of him, maybe my misery while with him was overblown. Maybe I am just being selfish in wanting to get away from him. Maybe it is my duty as his wife to go back even if it means giving up so much of my life and myself. I am someone who has always believed that marriage won't always be a picnic, that you have to make sacrifices for your spouse, and you have to stick by them even when the easy or fun thing to do is tell them to take a hike. 

But I also know the reason I am in this situation is so often I told myself our problems were just normal husband-wife problems, and that I was the one being irrational and overreacting.

But the truth? Since marrying him and trying to live with him, I lost everything that I was. It wasn't just about making sacrifices. He put me down and made me feel worthless so often that I came to loathe myself. I became suicidal, wishing often that I could die instead of feel so much pain. I started cutting myself. I lost any love for life, or for people, and I lost any motivation to do anything with my life, and I stopped caring about anything. 

I don't know how much he did on purpose, and how much is just who he is, but he destroyed me with his constant criticisms, condescensions, the constant feeling I had to compete with other women to keep his attention, the feeling that he disliked almost everything about me, and expected me to love him so much I would become an entirely different person so that he would come to love me as well. 

He claimed he truly does love me, no matter what, even if I didn't change at all. But can you love someone and treat them the way he did? Maybe, but I simply coudln't take it anymore.

So I told him no, we can't try again. He told me he would wait for me if I could tell him there was a chance I would reconsider in 6 months or a year. Maybe I should have said yes, give me time, call me in 6 months. But instead I said no, it's unlikely anything will change. I kept saying no, no, no. My gut kept being repulsed by the idea of trying again with him, scared and horrified of it. And finally I hung up on him, as he was starting to cry. 

I feel absolutely horrible. From a rational perspective, I know that everything I thought is true. If we tried again, nothing would be different. He might be sweet to me for a couple months, but then he would go back to who he is. We've been through this twice before. He doesn't change. And in the three weeks we haven't been speaking, he hasn't magically changed. 

But that doesn't mean I don't feel horrible and that there isn't a part of me that thinks if only I had agreed to try, maybe things WOULD be different. There is a part of my heart that breaks over and over again remembering how I said no, don't wait for me, there's no chance. I hung up on him because we were just going to go around in circles for hours more, and I didn't want to let myself get weak and agree to something I thought was wrong, but I will never forget that I hung up on my husband while he was starting to cry. 

And then there's the horrfying uncertainty about my future now. I have rejected the man I was to spend my life with. For the first time in 10 years, I don't have him, or anyone else that I can use as a replacement for him (something I did a couple times in the past when things went south with him...and no,I'm not proud of it, but I understand why I needed someone else there to make me strong enough to stay away from him). I am 26, expected to have a husband now and some kids if not now, then very soon. Instead I'm still playing the single game. For who knows how long? I don't care that I'm single now, being single is even a lot of fun, but I am scared to death I will be alone for life. I am scared to death that thing I want most....a family...is never going to happen. I'm scared that in a year or two I will be wishing desperately that I had agreed to go back to my husband, because even being kicked around by someone is better than being utterly alone and rejected by everyone else. That's what I'm afraid the future holds for me. Lonliness, rejection, and then hiding my misery at being unloved and childless by adopting a hundred cats.

Basically, I am just a total mess right now. I have no idea how I am going to heal from everything. I can't even believe this has all happened. How did all my grandest dreams come to this?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

YOu did good.

DO NOT feel bad. He did this. He is an abuser and abusers want their victims to be close to them so they can continue to abuse. He misses abusing you because maybe others won't allow it.

And now YOU are not allowing it. GOOD FOR YOU! Take back your power. I am proud. I know how much strength it takes to do what you did, as I've done it too (10 years ago)...it's a little scary at first but once you get back your power, you can't go back to how it was.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You really good. You faced the devil and said no to him.

this isn't a marriage or relationship you've been in, its more like prison where your freedom and personal spirit is locked away.

now stick with sticking up for yourself!


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## 1dayatatime (Feb 19, 2012)

I agree with everyone else. It may feel bad right now but you made the best decision you could for yourself and your sanity. You have to start taking care of you and not going back is step 1. Being with someone that hurts you constantly is not better then being alone. You will find someone when the time is ready but right now you need to heal yourself. Find yourself again and learn to be happy once again. It will be hard at first, i still have a hard time, but it's worth it in the end. As time goes by you will start to see little bits of yourself that you thought you had lost and then you will be reminded that this was a good decision. He will call you again, guilt trip you, cry on the phone to tug at your heart strings. You have to be strong. hugs to you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You feel bad because you have been trained to NOT treat him this way.

Screw that guy. It's about you now. THAT'S the beauty of breakup...you don't HAVE to care anymore.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I see a couple of things in your story that I'd like to point out and help you see a little differently if I may. You have serious self esteem problems. You don't value you and as such you will accept anyones negative opinion of you. You need to stop that. Have more self esteem, value yourself more. You husband likely doesn't have much self esteem either that is why he feels victimized by you. It appears that you both got into a co-dependent viscious cycle that had one preying on the other. He would punish you then when you had enough you'd lash out and be with somoene else.

You both need to take stock and realize that it likely didn't work for either one of you for a long time. You made the right choice for you.

I also feel like your story could have stopped when you hung up the phone. The rest seems to be a conflict for the co-dependent part of yourself talking you back into making contact with him to "see how he's doing". Don't do that. You'll just be punishing yourself more and end up back in that relationship. I'm willing to bet you've told yourself it was over many times before. 

In short you both have things to work on and you both abused each other. The kindest thing to do is to stop the cycle say it doesn't work and likely won't then move on.

GearHead


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, don't worry about how he's doing. Who cares? He can take care of himself.

Worry about you now.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Thanks for the kind responses everyone. But it's not that simple. Gearhead, what you say may very well be true, but that doesn't mean it's something that's easy to do.

The truth is, regardless of what he did to me, and I did to him, I do love him. This doesn't mean I think I have to go back to him, as I said, I recognize that this would be the wrong decision, on a logical, rational level. But emotionally? I love this man more than I have ever loved any other man. And just because he is fundamentally flawed and cannot be a husband doesn't change how I feel. I can operate based on logic, not emotion, but that doesn't mean I just switch the emotion off and stop caring.

There are a lot of exciting things about being free of him. And probably, as time passes and I start really pulling my life together, more and more will crop up. But that doesn't mean I won't miss him. And that doesn't mean there won't also be negative things about being alone that I will struggle with.

What I did might have been right, but it was excruciatingly hard, and it doesn't come with a feeling of victory, elation, or having won. No one won. We both lost everything.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You did the right thing.

The guy is an abusive nutburger.

Now the next step is to go to your local justice court and get an Order of Protection filed against him.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Many things in life aren't easy, but they are simple. Staying away from him is simple, but I completely understand that it isn't easy to do. The emotions will pass in time. Just as they did for anyone else you might have fallen in love with. You need to give yourself time to heal and not rake yourself over the coals for what you did or didn't do. You made the right choice at the time because if you hadn't you would have done something different. Try to stay away from the "what ifs" and the "yeah buts".

GearHead


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Sigh...the thing is, for whatever reason, this guy was the great love of my life. I fell in love with him almost ten years ago, and no matter what has happened since, I continue to love him. He's that guy that, at one time, I felt that everything was right with the world when I walked next to him...like my whole world came into clearer focus and was full of more vibrant colors. I was more alive when with him than I ever thought possible.

That was before. Recently I have not felt that with him anymore, being with him has been stressful and challenging at the best of times since we got married, but still I love him. More than I have ever loved any other guy. So yes, I know the affection and the attachment fade. I've been there, done that, a few times in the past. But nothing like this, ever.

And yes, I KNOW how this sounds. I know how it would sound to me if someone were saying this to me. Or at least, how it would have sounded had I never been through something like this. I am not doubting that he's crazy, and troubled, and unstable and abusive. I'm not doubting that I would never have had a functional relationship with him, no matter if I tried again.

But that doesn't mean that I don't also wonder if I will spend the rest of my life missing him. I broke up with him once before, and on the outside I was doing fantastic. I had a new boyfriend, a fun life, I was going to school, working, seemed to be living life to the fullest. But never during that time (which was a bit over a year) did I stop loving and missing my ex. I hid it from most everyone, but when I was alone I was sometimes almost out of my mind from grief. Certain things would set off memories that were too much to bear, and I would have to go somewhere private so I could cry.

I worry that this is what the future holds for me. Right now it is very hard. Today was a rough day. Made even more frustrating by what beautiful weather we're having right now. And yet, I felt nothing but pain.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Have you ever read about relationship grief?
I'm not sure you'd be open to thinking about your grief in that way.
But it's worth a google to find out.
Basically, the premise is that you miss how you wanted to feel with this person if your relationship had been better. It's an acceptance that during the times you had wiht him that weren't the best, you were hanging on in the hopes of having the best. So that the perception of that time together, is still colored positively. It's like missing a parent who is dead, who used to beat you with a belt and literally rub salt in your wounds and knew how to scare the ****ens out of you with really really frightening scary stuff that should never be practiced on a child, etc. You think about the small things that they did do, when things were good, and that's what you miss, you forget about the bad stuff because at the time when it happened and you forgave it, you thought that those things wouldn't happen again. Now that they can't happen again, it's the good things that you tend to remember. I mean, who wants to remember trauma? The human brain is designed to get over trauma, otherwise, we'd all have self-destructed by ummmmmm, age 3.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I'm reading your story, here, and I swear it could be my own, right down to the "you've turned me into a monster" and the thinly veiled threats. My WH/EH/STBXH was definitely the great love of my life, but he cut me to ribbons and wanted to remake me into something else that he could love and I almost let that happen and almost lost myself to it. To be honest, if I hadn't caught him cheating and giving someone else the love he wasn't giving me, I'd have let it happen. I did and do still love him, every day feels empty without him, and I've wept every day for more than six months, so every day is a battle not to give in and erase myself in the hopes of fixing this...but it takes two people to make a marriage work and one man with a person-turned-puppet isn't a real marriage. I know that he and I should not be together right now, that he has done atrocious things, but that doesn't change how I feel about him and it doesn't mean I won't act logically either. Really, it's eerie that some of your words in this post are words I've used, almost verbatim. I think you made the right choice to walk away. If he is threatening you, then he is not remorseful for the pain he has caused you and that means he won't change and that means you're in for more of the same, but probably worse because he'll need to do worse to "keep you in line" or redeem his wounded pride. Stay away, stay strong, and stay safe. I know how hard this is because I'm going through it myself and it is hell. Hang in there and try to treat yourself to something nice, distracting, and self-indulgent...even if that sounds impossible at first. You are being heard...


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Silverpanther, desert-rose - I too am grieving the loss of the love of my life. I wonder if I will ever recover. I have fought for my marriage and now I have no fight left in me. The OW had won his heart and I too wonder if I will ever recover.
I woke this morning not wanting to face another day. Thank god for my 3 children, at the moment they are what keep me going.
My H was never and has never been abusive but u realise we were a truly co dependent couple. 
My thoughts are with you xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I talked to my IC about co-dependency and really where it's not super healthy it's natural after we have been together so long...
We talk about it like it's a horrible thing here and I disagree to some extent, it may not be super healthy and we can get into trouble if we become too co-dependent.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Homemaker- That's pretty much exactly what I'm struggling with. A large portion of our time together (my husband and I) was not good, and I was unhappy. But it was the ideal that I believed we could be that I was in love with, and constantly fighting for and telling myself we had. Not only was I deceiving family and friends about the nature of our relationship, I was deceiving myself as well. And now when I get really depressed about him being gone, it's a few scattered memories that I miss, along with what I *wanted* us to be...not what we really were, that I find myself missing.

desert_rose and daisygirl- it's so rough to be going through this, but at least we all know we're not along, huh?

Mamatomany- Yeah I think co-dependacy is one of those "moderation" things...you want to be dependant on each other, but not so much so that it becomes crippling.


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