# High sexual drive



## Toby7929 (Mar 6, 2021)

I am a 40 year old man married for 17 years with a woman I love with one daughter. I have a big sex drive but few years into the marriage I realised my wife had a very low sex drive and although we did have sex she looked visibly upset and in tears while having it. It started becoming worse as time progressed and is now at a point that even touching her sexually gets her angry and I have to stop. However I know she will never leave me and will always be there for me no matter what. She takes care of me like a baby. During the yearly years I kept myself occupied in lots of other activities and friends and going out to divert my mind from sex but at 40 my sex drive is strong while hers is absolutely non existent. Needless to say I had resorted to porn at some time and became addicted. She's come to know about it but she doesn't really care and we don't talk about it. I try to hide it but she knows. I have been tempted to use escorts but I feel ashamed of this thought but as a man I feel a need to fulfill my sexual desires. Few days ago I passionately kissed a married woman in a lift and she offered to have sex but I refused for the guilt I had for the next few days. Couldn't sleep for days after that. I am absolutely disgusted and embarrased with my situation. I cant force my wife into doing things she doesn't like. I would probably be destroyed if she left me though because I have a bond with her built over the years, just not sexual. Anyone can please suggest me what to do and how I can make my sex drive to go away? If you had a similar problem how did you cope with it? Thanks


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Erm... Don’t cheat. If you’re determined to stay with her then talk to her about either fixing the problem or outsourcing sex if you think that will work.

If she doesn’t want to fix it and won’t let you outsource it then your choices are to suck it up or leave. I recommend leaving.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Antidepressants might work. Good luck. It's a terrible situation.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Toby7929 said:


> I am a 40 year old man married for 17 years with a woman I love with one daughter. I have a big sex drive but few years into the marriage I realised my wife had a very low sex drive and although we did have sex she looked visibly upset and in tears while having it. It started becoming worse as time progressed and is now at a point that even touching her sexually gets her angry and I have to stop. However I know she will never leave me and will always be there for me no matter what. She takes care of me like a baby. During the yearly years I kept myself occupied in lots of other activities and friends and going out to divert my mind from sex but at 40 my sex drive is strong while hers is absolutely non existent. Needless to say I had resorted to porn at some time and became addicted. She's come to know about it but she doesn't really care and we don't talk about it. I try to hide it but she knows. I have been tempted to use escorts but I feel ashamed of this thought but as a man I feel a need to fulfill my sexual desires. Few days ago I passionately kissed a married woman in a lift and she offered to have sex but I refused for the guilt I had for the next few days. Couldn't sleep for days after that. I am absolutely disgusted and embarrased with my situation. I cant force my wife into doing things she doesn't like. I would probably be destroyed if she left me though because I have a bond with her built over the years, just not sexual. Anyone can please suggest me what to do and how I can make my sex drive to go away? If you had a similar problem how did you cope with it? Thanks


Obviously cheating is not the answer. I think @ccpowerslave said it right. But I noticed where you say your wife takes care of you like a baby. This could very well be a cause for the disappearance of her sex drive. Women do not find a guy they have to treat like a child attractive.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

happyhusband0005 said:


> But I noticed where you say your wife takes care of you like a baby. This could very well be a cause for the disappearance of her sex drive. Women do not find a guy they have to treat like a child attractive.


The above is a good point.

It's great that you didn't follow through with your married friends offer. I doubt her husband ever wronged you and you don't need a wreck on top of a wreck. If you want to save things and work on them, you should go to your wife, tell her up front that you've given up porn to take a sober look at your relationship, that you are going to man up and take care of her like a man should and list the things you want her to stop doing for you.

Now, this is only your part of the problem, she may change and she may not, but you need to get to a place where you can take an honest assessment and make an honest effort from that assessment.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She isn’t into now or ever it sounds like. I’m not a cheating supporter and don’t condone that stuff but I would have that long hard talk with your wife that you are avoiding. Y’all either work on it together or tell her your going elsewhere for it.

I don’t mean to be harsh but here is some reality. You sound pretty soft and half way scared of what your wife thinks (like the porn thing). You didn’t stand up for yourself back when the sex was turning bad. The kind of life you live doesn’t promote sexuality. You very likely would find yourself in the same situation with another. Your a provider type... not a lover type.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Look up the Ted Talk "The Sex Starved Marriage." Watch it on your own first, then with your wife. See if anything hits home there.

The porn thing. In your case, it's dangerous. It might be a "gateway drug" to cheating. For many, porn can be a distraction from their issues, something they do instead of dealing with the problem. You've taken a dangerous turn with that kissing incident. You need to come full-stop on that.

Your wife sounds like she isn't just low-libido but may have some serious issues with sex. To the point, in her mind, that what she might see as your "demands" for sex are viewed as, to some degree, rape. This is not something to be taken lightly. What do you know of your past, before she met you? How were things while dating? What were each of your notions of privacy regarding your past?


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> But I noticed where you say your wife takes care of you like a baby. This could very well be a cause for the disappearance of her sex drive. Women do not find a guy they have to treat like a child attractive.


Absolutely THIS (I'm a woman). We often joke about having an extra child, but in reality, nothing could be less sexually attractive. I'm not saying so to be unkind, but as a warning. 

I also worry that your wife seemed upset during sex when you were having it. You needed to find out why. Was she in pain? Had she been traumatized? It's definitely not normal.

I think you two need to have some difficult conversations. Hopefully, it's not too late, since it sounds like you do love her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Antidepressants might work. Good luck. It's a terrible situation.


Oooh, maybe depressants.

He wants to make himself numb.
Be, have numb nuts.

Don't do it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You both need help because neither of you knows what you are doing.

She has some kind of sexual dysfunction and, I'm willing to bet, you have no idea what stirs a woman's fires and especially your woman's.

It isn't healthy to suppress your sex drive and she views you as a brother, roommate, child....

I have no doubt she really loves you but you in no way register as a man on her radar.

I can't walk around the house only partially clothed without Mrs. Conan wanting sex and we are nearing 30 years together.

Do some research. Read "What do women want?" by Daniel Bergner. It has some weird stuff in it and some questionable conclusions but there is some real research in there on female attraction to men.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

IMHO she is not and perhaps has never been attracted to you sexually. 

Assuming you haven’t gotten fat and slovenly, and assuming you are gainfully employed, you can have options in the sexual market place. 

Trying to squelch your sexuality to make your wife comfortable is simply emasculating yourself and trying to deny your own humanity and your own sexuality and well being.

Normal, healthy people have sex drives and want to have intimate relationships.

Your sex drive and yearning for intimacy is normal and healthy and means you are alive.

It is your marriage and relationship to your wife that is dysfunctional and unhealthy.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Toby7929 said:


> .....I realised my wife had a very low sex drive and although we did have sex she looked visibly upset and in tears while having it. ...


Why in the world would you have sex with someone who is crying? How did the sex start, what did you do when you noticed?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yeah the crying thing is very strange. 

TALK TO YOUR WIFE.

Until you do that nothing will change. After you do that, decide what's wrong, if it can be fixed, if you want to stay. Don't cheat.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Oooh, maybe depressants.
> 
> He wants to make himself numb.
> Be, have numb nuts.
> ...


They do work. I used them (not for that reason). You sex drive disappears.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> They do work. I used them (not for that reason). You sex drive disappears.


Aw, just shoot me.

Others would know.

Blimey, they would see it in your emotionless face.

Those fish one would catch, they would not fight back, in cold finny deference.

Lord, the buggers would do so out of pity.

.................................................................
I understand.
I am making light of your choice. 
I have read your thread.

Forgive me...

Words, they hurt.

...............................................................

There are quite a few meds that do this, mostly give a man ED.

What can be worse for an otherwise healthy man?
Gods, wanting to make love and having an unwanted rubber snake for a pet.

Know what it is that ails you, and fight it logically and scientifically, not willy-nilly.
Your willy should be your best friend.

That was _THE PLAN_.

Aye.


_Are Dee-_


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Aw, just shoot me.
> 
> Others would know.
> 
> ...


I would not take them for lowering my sex drive, personally. But it's an option, if the OP is suffering mentally and physically.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Since you won't do what is needed to solve your problem (won't leave her), then, either chemical or physical castration will do for you. There's not other choice, other than leaving. 
You come across like a weak man, no doubt that your wife doesn't see you as a man; a partner, someone to take care of, yes, but as a man, not.
I bet you that if she were to start a new relationship with another man, she would be having hot sex.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Where's Waldo?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, what's your wife's cultural background? Any possibility that there's some sort of issue stemming from a very conservative cultural or religious upbringing, or that she has a history of sexual trauma? How well did you know one another prior to marriage and has your sexual relationship ever been great?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Toby7929 said:


> She takes care of me like a baby.


Generally speaking women need to feel protected and valued in a relationship. Men meanwhile have a tendency to allow their wives to take on the role of their moms (as growing up men are accustomed to being cared for and nurtured by moms). 

If you are behaving like a child, she will treat you like one. As a result she will have no desire to be with you sexually. Make a 180 and start taking better care of yourself and become self sufficient. If stuff is broken around the house, FIX IT! 

Also don't dismiss the idea that she hasn't had temptation to be with other men as well, particularly if she adopted another child when she got married. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

This has really been bugging me. I'm still concerned about the visibly upset and crying during sex part. I can't imagine continuing to have sex with someone who was crying. What, just turn your head to avoid seeing the tears and finish real quick? Seriously, WTH. 

There has to be more to this story.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

So Married said:


> This has really been bugging me. I'm still concerned about the visibly upset and crying during sex part. I can't imagine continuing to have sex with someone who was crying. What, just turn your head to avoid seeing the tears and finish real quick? Seriously, WTH.
> 
> There has to be more to this story.


When I read that I wondered is the OP has ASD with a lack of empathy. Some folks with ASD are oblivious and unable to empathize with the emotions of others. If someone is in this situation like the OP, the wife would need to ask him to stop and then try to explain and clearly attribute her feelings to something that has happened. Otherwise her behavior will just seem confusing and nonsensical. 

Sometimes people can get emotional and not even understand themselves as to why they are crying due to a rush of hormones and brain chemistry. Such feelings may not even be attributed to any events or cause and happen completely arbitrarily. 

Nonetheless crying is generally a huge red flag and should always be taken seriously. The OP should stop and talk to his spouse to make sure everything is OK and/or seek therapy if there is confusion.


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