# My wife lost respect for me.



## Justflowing071

My wife gets really emotional and says the most horrible things to me about the most fundamental things that make me me, she attacks my core. And I admit I am at fault some times. But she puts me down and this is the lowest I’ve ever felt. Thought I could pull myself back up alone but I’m not sure this time. She clearly says she has lost all respect for me, not attracted ashamed of me and don’t see me as a man. Don’t mean to play victim but I’m lost at this point.


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## Diana7

Does she explian why she has lost all respect for you and doesnt see you as a man? Are there things you have done that may make her feel this? Unless she is really horrible not many women would say such things withotu reason.


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## Laurentium

Justflowing071 said:


> And I admit I am at fault some times.


In what way? What responsibility do you take?



Justflowing071 said:


> Thought I could pull myself back up alone


Pull yourself back up? Does that mean changing the things in which you admit you are at fault? Or disregarding her criticisms because they're unfounded? 



Justflowing071 said:


> this is the lowest I’ve ever felt


That doesn't tell us much about where the rights and wrongs are. What are her demands?


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## T.Andre

If you have failed that's part of life. Everyone fails at something. It maybe that she is failing in a area and wants to prevent the focus being on her so she deflects onto you. You would have to say what her complaints are before you take ownership of her issues. They may really be her garbage that she is just dumping on you. 

Sent from my SM-G973U using Tapatalk


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## C.C. says ...

What ‘fundamental things that make you- you’ is she talking about?


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## Tdbo

There are two ways to deal with things: constructively or viciously.
Sounds like your wife has decided to deal with them viciously.
Don't engage her. Tell her if she wants to sit down, have a civilized discussion and work through things, you are open to that.
However, do not take her abuse. Look up the 180. Implement it.
If she calms down and wants to engage in a reasonable manner, do so.
Listen to her. If you messed up, make the necessary adjustments or come up with an action plan to work through the issues. Implement it.
If she still persists in her ugliness, utilize the 180 for yourself and take the time to decide if the issues are fixable or not.


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## TJW

Justflowing071 said:


> Thought I could pull myself back up alone but I’m not sure this time.


Well, sir, I am here to assure you that you CAN. BTDT. I live in the same crap. I'm "plan B". She's not attracted to me. My wife criticizes me sharply and daily.

I made a decision. I decided that I am NOT going to pay the penalty for her damned compulsive need for everything to be perfect. Life ain't perfect. She has as many flaws, as many things that need to change, as I do. And, I am NOT going to pay the penalty because she wants somebody else. That ain't my fault.

My wife is not my boss, she is not my authority, she is not my chief good, and she is not my Savior. She is supposed to be my helper and my cheerleader.....but, she ain't gonna, because some other guy in her past has her attention, even though he is now in a rest home. BTW, she admits this is true.

If God has anything to say to me, He can. I'm listening. I'm reading and thinking on His Book. There's my authority, my boss, my chief good, and my Savior. I listen to what He says. I change the things He wants changed, I live as much as I can after the example shown by the Lord Jesus Christ.

I let what my wife says go in one ear, and out the other. Her own foibles cause her to behave as a nagging shrew. I serve her faithfully, but according to HIS rules, not hers.

In fact, she needs to read the Book. But, she doesn't, and probably never will. That's not my problem. We have at least 6 translations and paraphrases of it in the house, she knows where they are. Her bible is Facebook. She needs to make a choice. I can't make her do it.


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## SunCMars

When faults are struck at repeatedly for no good reason, this is the work of that shrew you mentioned.

A man who is horrible in every way possible, so unworthy by nature, should be divorced, not tortured for life.

Some women have this terrible feeling that bugs are always biting them. 
Everything in life irritates them.

Especially you. 'Near' everything is your fault.

Diagnosis: Severe neuroticism.

Cure: End her misery, divorce her. 

Suddenly, you feel like an average Joe, imagine that.



_KB-_


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## Justflowing071

Thoughtout our marriage, there have been times where she would read into things I say and do and come out with this whole story of how I feel without me ever saying these actual words. She spins my words and actions to be so negative, and I have accepted her feelings and made so many adjustments to be more understanding. When I try to say I didn’t mean that, she accused me of arguing or always defending myself, say that’s not manly. When I don’t defend she blows stuff out of proportions and accuse me of anything that I don’t deny saying of feeling. Says I’m not honest about how I feel about her and acts like I don’t like her under the sly. And I try to understand and take the blame,

but over time she has formed a negative image of me and has never let them go. Feel like she always looking for evidence to support her negative view. She would cross ever line with me.

Recently we were caught between a conflict with friends where a friend I was closer to said something mean about Me and another couple and I wasn’t as angry as the rest. Nor did I want to confront it the way they wanted to. And since then she said she had confirmed that I’m a pushover, and lack self respect.She ignored the fact that I didn’t agree with the friend at fault but the fact I didn’t want the drama and saw flaws in our approach to say I’m not a man or scared and soft. The whole drama got real messy and I figured it would but my role wasn’t as aggresive and that’s what’s making her say what she said.

I’m probably just venting at this point but I really didn’t think it was worth attacking the way we did I have never been an emotional thinker she equate this to being I confrontational and called that a bad thing.

Long story short is she doesn’t like how I handled that and keeps equating it to stuff she has help on to in past and she gets really mean and dirty in the way the talks to me. Attacks my Ego, my values and my potential


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## Lostinthought61

Justflowing071 said:


> Thoughtout our marriage, there have been times where she would read into things I say and do and come out with this whole story of how I feel without me ever saying these actual words. She spins my words and actions to be so negative, and I have accepted her feelings and made so many adjustments to be more understanding. When I try to say I didn’t mean that, she accused me of arguing or always defending myself, say that’s not manly. When I don’t defend she blows stuff out of proportions and accuse me of anything that I don’t deny saying of feeling. Says I’m not honest about how I feel about her and acts like I don’t like her under the sly. And I try to understand and take the blame,
> 
> but over time she has formed a negative image of me and has never let them go. Feel like she always looking for evidence to support her negative view. She would cross ever line with me.
> 
> Recently we were caught between a conflict with friends where a friend I was closer to said something mean about Me and another couple and I wasn’t as angry as the rest. Nor did I want to confront it the way they wanted to. And since then she said she had confirmed that I’m a pushover, and lack self respect.She ignored the fact that I didn’t agree with the friend at fault but the fact I didn’t want the drama and saw flaws in our approach to say I’m not a man or scared and soft. The whole drama got real messy and I figured it would but my role wasn’t as aggresive and that’s what’s making her say what she said.
> 
> I’m probably just venting at this point but I really didn’t think it was worth attacking the way we did I have never been an emotional thinker she equate this to being I confrontational and called that a bad thing.
> 
> Long story short is she doesn’t like how I handled that and keeps equating it to stuff she has help on to in past and she gets really mean and dirty in the way the talks to me. Attacks my Ego, my values and my potential


So why stay with her, why be subjected to her image of you day after day, take a stand and say to her, that i can no longer love someone who treats me this way and divorce...by staying and tolerating her belittling of you are you not accepting of her actions. Eventually you need to draw the line and the sand and tell her enough is enough, i am as mad as hell and i will not take it anymore. (excuse the movie line but it works)....do not allow her to define who you are .


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Just remember, and this is big:

Just because she says something it doesn't make it true. She may also have an agenda she's following in her mind, which makes it no matter what you do or say or won't be "right", because she's keeping you off balance on purpose. 

You've got to act according to your own guidelines. She can come along for the company and ride, or not.


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## Blondilocks

Sit her down and ask her why she wants to be married to a man who she deems as so unfit to be a husband. Ask her what is lacking in her that she settles for such a poor example of a husband. Tell her that you can't respect a woman who has so little self-respect that she shackles herself to a man who she considers to be a loser. 

Advise her that you are looking into setting her free so that she can find a man who will live up to her expectations and you will find a woman who will live up to your expectations of having a wife who will love, honor and cherish you.

Communication has been a problem in your marriage. Your wife sees a situation, and without adequate data, jumps the gun and starts making assumptions - then spins an entire story around those assumptions. Assume = ass/u/me. Until she recognizes that she really doesn't have a crystal ball and can't read minds, she'll continue this pattern of delusional thinking. She isn't coming across as Carnac the Magnificent - she's just coming across as ignorant and mean.


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## Yeswecan

Your W is verbally abusive.


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## Justflowing071

Thanks a lot for the advice. I internalise all my sadness and i don’t talk about my emotions. And I know I ain’t perfect. I grown a lot just from life experiences. And I always thought I did right as a Man. I have a family and I actually want to be a father who is present. I cant seem to keep up with her when it comes to a talking match. She explains herself much more clearly than I do. And I always come out on the wrong side. I end up shouting and that make me look small In her eyes. I would want to fix this but I know it’s not dependent on just me. She has mentioned divorce many times in our life. But we both know we depend on each other financially as we have kids and we can’t afford to separate or get divorced for now. I just needed to know that I’m not the things that I haven’t acknowledged and I’m not crazy.

I hate quitting.Am I wrong to want to fix ?


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## ButtPunch

I recommend you start seeing an individual counselor and take a good long look at your
childhood. Talk with him about your problems and get him start you working on yourself
in a positive manner. Your wife is preying on your weaknesses. Love yourself and she will
not be able to.


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## anchorwatch

You're a conflict avoider? Conflict happens in life. You never learned to deal with it properly. Hence people inherently learn who you are, a "Nice Guy".

Nothing is more frustrating to a wife than a husband who'd rather avoid conflict than face it and resolve it.

Here is some easy reading if you are inclined to pursue a fix. Nothing will change until you do. You don't change for her, you change for you. 

No More Mr Nice Guy

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Best


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## Tdbo

Justflowing071 said:


> I hate quitting.Am I wrong to want to fix ?


No, but the issue is that it takes two to fix problems in a marriage.
Sounds like she would rather BMW than do the work.
The problem sounds like you are too passive.
Time for you to take charge and move towards the relationship you want.
She may respond favorably to you taking a more aggressive stance.
If she doesn't like it, put her to the curb.
Find a woman who appreciates you and doesn't abuse you.


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## sokillme

Justflowing071 said:


> Thanks a lot for the advice. I internalise all my sadness and i don’t talk about my emotions. And I know I ain’t perfect. I grown a lot just from life experiences. And I always thought I did right as a Man. I have a family and I actually want to be a father who is present. I cant seem to keep up with her when it comes to a talking match. She explains herself much more clearly than I do. And I always come out on the wrong side. I end up shouting and that make me look small In her eyes. I would want to fix this but I know it’s not dependent on just me. She has mentioned divorce many times in our life. But we both know we depend on each other financially as we have kids and we can’t afford to separate or get divorced for now. I just needed to know that I’m not the things that I haven’t acknowledged and I’m not crazy.
> 
> I hate quitting.Am I wrong to want to fix ?


First of all have you done any marriage counseling?

If you can't keep up with her verbally how about writing down what you want to say. That will give you a starting point.

She says you are a push over have you been? This generally something that causes women to loose respect, even if you are a pushover with them.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Oh boy. Another passive one who lost his spine years ago.

Go into the bedroom, get your wife's purse, and take your testicles out of it. I completely understand why she can't respect you - you're weak and passive and it's extremely unattractive. Over the years you've turned into a complete welcome mat and she's taken the aggressor role who now has zero respect for you and just says whatever she wants.

And that's because you just take it. Man up, OP.

I'm just being honest.


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## C.C. says ...

anchorwatch said:


> Nothing is more frustrating to a wife than a husband who'd rather avoid conflict than face it and resolve it.


Yesss. Absolutely nothing. Even in just dating someone, I think. This will definitely make a woman lose respect. Not to mention, she’s liable to start poking you with a verbal assault stick just to try to force you to stand up for yourself. Which it seems like she has.

It really is extremely annoying to have to drag things out of someone.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You seem like a good guy but I think you need to open up your mouth and tell her to lay off!


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## Justflowing071

I have allowed a lot of this, and i know that. I tried that happy wife happy life Stuff. I know I gotta man up. I don’t even know why I let so many stuff slide. Though I was doing good by compromising. She didn’t meet me like this. I changed. Became “Responsible” I see that I Am some nice guy. I won’t stay that guy anymore tho. I can see the flaws I been ignoring


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## Lostinthought61

Justflowing071 said:


> Thanks a lot for the advice. I internalise all my sadness and i don’t talk about my emotions. And I know I ain’t perfect. I grown a lot just from life experiences. And I always thought I did right as a Man. I have a family and I actually want to be a father who is present. I cant seem to keep up with her when it comes to a talking match. She explains herself much more clearly than I do. And I always come out on the wrong side. I end up shouting and that make me look small In her eyes. I would want to fix this but I know it’s not dependent on just me. She has mentioned divorce many times in our life. But we both know we depend on each other financially as we have kids and we can’t afford to separate or get divorced for now. I just needed to know that I’m not the things that I haven’t acknowledged and I’m not crazy.
> 
> I hate quitting.Am I wrong to want to fix ?


the first question you really need to ask is who is broken? you? her ? the marriage? you fix something unless you can identify what is truly broken? It seems to me that in internalizing so much that you are keeping your thoughts to yourself until you can't any longer and then you blow up which makes no sense for anyone. pick up the book verbal self defense, you might begin by changing hwo you interact with her and perhaps other. But while that addresses you it does not her, and she has her own problem which again becomes your problem. remember respect yourself first, if you do not do that then don't expect anyone else too.


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## jlg07

Justflowing071 said:


> . When I try to say I didn’t mean that, she accused me of arguing or always defending myself, say that’s not manly. When I don’t defend she blows stuff out of proportions and accuse me of anything that I don’t deny saying of feeling. Says I’m not honest about how I feel about her and acts like I don’t like her under the sly. And I try to understand and take the blame,


So, it IS manly to defend your reputation, which is what you are trying to do by correcting what she is saying. SHE is incorrect.
When she starts getting over the top (blowing stuff out of proportion) -- Tell her flat out to STOP and not yell at you. Tell her that when she can DISCUSS the issue, then you can continue the conversation, and the walk away. Don't let her treat you like that.



> Long story short is she doesn’t like how I handled that and keeps equating it to stuff she has help on to in past and she gets really mean and dirty in the way the talks to me. Attacks my Ego, my values and my potential


At some point, have you ever told her to just shut the hell up? Tell her that YOU have no interest in hearing outright lies from her about you, so she needs to keep it to herself. If she doesn't stop, walk away. I think that you have allowed her to get into the habit of treating you like this, and you need to break that cycle.


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## Married but Happy

You can try to change yourself and how you respond to these attacks, and see what happens. Eventually (once you've made progress on yourself) you can ask - or demand - that she change her words (and hopefully her attitude). If you go this route, set a time limit that's reasonable. If things have not changed noticeably for the better at that point, divorce, move on, and continue working on yourself and apply what you've learned to a new and probably healthier relationship.

Sometimes it is better - and easier - to exit than to try to fix. Change is often harder than starting over - unless it is really, really worth the effort for _this _relationship.


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## Justflowing071

I do get into arguments, but I admit many of them I should have walked away. I get too caught up in defending myself. And the stuff she makes up.


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## OddOne

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Oh boy. Another passive one who lost his spine years ago.
> 
> Go into the bedroom, get your wife's purse, and take your testicles out of it. I completely understand why she can't respect you - you're weak and passive and it's extremely unattractive. Over the years you've turned into a complete welcome mat and she's taken the aggressor role who now has zero respect for you and just says whatever she wants.
> 
> And that's because you just take it. Man up, OP.
> 
> I'm just being honest.


Is this for his benefit or for his wife's benefit or both? Because OP shouldn't give a **** about how it benefits his wife in terms of her attraction to him. Even if he's not as "manly" as he should be, if at all, his wife appears to have lost any right to want to feel admiration for OP based on how she treats him. If it doesn't concern the kids, finances, etc., OP should tell her to pound sand, as the saying goes. I.e., screw his wife's feelings.


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## TJW

OddOne said:


> OP shouldn't give a **** about how it benefits his wife in terms of her attraction to him


Exactly...... why should you care if such a narcissist is "attracted" to you ? Her only motive is to DOMINATE you because of her own entitlement. These motives are rooted in sin. Her actions are wicked and evil. They exalt her SELF, and abase you.

*A GREAT ARTICLE*


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## Buttugly

Justflowing071 said:


> My wife gets really emotional and says the most horrible things to me about the most fundamental things that make me me, she attacks my core. And I admit I am at fault some times. But she puts me down and this is the lowest I’ve ever felt. Thought I could pull myself back up alone but I’m not sure this time. She clearly says she has lost all respect for me, not attracted ashamed of me and don’t see me as a man. Don’t mean to play victim but I’m lost at this point.


Could be you both need to work at communicating better . Your wife sounds bitter and angry . If your marriage is over 20 yrs there is a lot of water under the bridge / issues that need to be dealt with especially if you've both have issues with productive communication , if one of you avoids conflict that breeds unresolved conflict = resentment & contempt . Maybe MC could help but if she has been like this a long time the resentment may run too deep and MC may not help . There are 2 sides to every story . She may be so flooded with years of resentment and anger she is too flooded to communicate rationally and by you protecting yourself not saying much ( rightly so ) from her onslaught of anger by not communicating more fuels her anger ,I think at this point in time she may reject all you say anyway " flooded" & not rational ... no positive communication will be possible under those circumstances , try MC before calling it quits . She could be in perimenopause if she is 40 plus yrs some women have wild mood swings menopausal rage ect, bio identical hormones could help with that . Could be she has fallen out of love over the years and blames you . Start with MC and see what happens. Good luck to you both . Google menopausal rage ...


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## Buttugly

Justflowing071 said:


> Thanks a lot for the advice. I internalise all my sadness and i don’t talk about my emotions. And I know I ain’t perfect. I grown a lot just from life experiences. And I always thought I did right as a Man. I have a family and I actually want to be a father who is present. I cant seem to keep up with her when it comes to a talking match. She explains herself much more clearly than I do. And I always come out on the wrong side. I end up shouting and that make me look small In her eyes. I would want to fix this but I know it’s not dependent on just me. She has mentioned divorce many times in our life. But we both know we depend on each other financially as we have kids and we can’t afford to separate or get divorced for now. I just needed to know that I’m not the things that I haven’t acknowledged and I’m not crazy.
> 
> I hate quitting.Am I wrong to want to fix ?


Get individual therapy and work on yourself if she doesn't want to do MC.


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## VladDracul

Justflowing071 said:


> She clearly says she has lost all respect for me, not attracted ashamed of me and don’t see me as a man.





TJW said:


> Well, sir, I am here to assure you that you CAN. BTDT. I live in the same crap. I'm "plan B". She's not attracted to me. My wife criticizes me sharply and daily.


Many, many moons ago, I was in you guys shoes. Being the type that has a low tolerance for such crap, coupled with a passive aggressive personality, (I like to think of it as, "treat me badly at your own peril") a chick friend who owned a ladies spa, set me up with ladies whose mates treated them in a similar fashion. After short time I discovered my future ex wife's opinion of me was irrelevant. When I compared what she was put on the table with what the others were putting on the table, it was like comparing a can of spam with grade A, US prime porterhouse. After going from the **** you guys are talking about to chicks that will risk it all just to spend time with you, it changes your attitude and proves what a harpy you settled for just to be their punching bag and the once and awhile poon tang they dish out to control you..
Do yourselves a favor, ditch these parasites, and get a girl that thinks you hung the moon. Few things can compare to a chick that builds you up rather than tears you down.
BTW, I agree you need better communication. It just needs to be with another woman.


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## BluesPower

Justflowing071 said:


> Thanks a lot for the advice. I internalise all my sadness and i don’t talk about my emotions. And I know I ain’t perfect. I grown a lot just from life experiences. And I always thought I did right as a Man. I have a family and I actually want to be a father who is present. I cant seem to keep up with her when it comes to a talking match. She explains herself much more clearly than I do. And I always come out on the wrong side. I end up shouting and that make me look small In her eyes. I would want to fix this but I know it’s not dependent on just me. She has mentioned divorce many times in our life. But we both know we depend on each other financially as we have kids and we can’t afford to separate or get divorced for now. I just needed to know that I’m not the things that I haven’t acknowledged and I’m not crazy.
> 
> I hate quitting.Am I wrong to want to fix ?


My brother, you have issues, OK I get it. You are not perfect, OK I get it. 

But wake the **** up, you don't deserve this. Dude you need therapy, you need assertiveness training, but most of all YOU NEED TO FILE FOR DIVORCE AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE....

Yes you are wrong to want to fix, because you cannot fix it. YOU CANNOT FIX YOUR WIFE... She is an abuser. She is abusive. SHE IS A BAD PERSON. 

Divorce her, get therapy, wake up and try and have a happy life. First step get the **** away from this hag of a wife.


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## TJW

BluesPower said:


> YOU CANNOT FIX YOUR WIFE... ....... SHE IS A BAD PERSON.


And, she wants you to be "perfect"....like her.....


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## Rob_1

Man, I don't want to be rude, but is good that you are now recognizing that your behavior has been not that of a "nice guy", which is a misnomer to me, but that of spineless individual that loss his ball some time ago, reason why your wife lost all respect toward you. Many women would do, not just her. YOU let her disrespect you. Just understand this: you can be a troglodyte of a man and the woman might hate you, and dislike you, but at least she would RESPECT you and, would not dare to disrespectfully taunt you.


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## MattMatt

Justflowing071 said:


> My wife gets really emotional and says the most horrible things to me about the most fundamental things that make me me, she attacks my core. And I admit I am at fault some times. But she puts me down and this is the lowest I’ve ever felt. Thought I could pull myself back up alone but I’m not sure this time. She clearly says she has lost all respect for me, not attracted ashamed of me and don’t see me as a man. Don’t mean to play victim but I’m lost at this point.


Did she lose her respect for you or did she toss it into the rubbish bin?

Or was it something you have done that genuinely made her lose her respect for you?

Please present us with more details as we need more information to offer you credible advice. We are here for you.


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## Donny69

Sorry, man. Don't let any one person define who you are though. Only you get to do that, right?


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## Violet28

Speaking as a woman who has been in a relationship where I lost all respect for the man and also witnessing a lot of other women going through this, I can comment on why you start to disrespect the man you are with. Broken promises, lies, blatantly disregarding your feelings, being irresponsible, lack of consideration, being undependable, not standing up for us to other people, feeling like you are only affectionate when you want sex, etc. Women especially don't want to feel like your mother, do she have to tell you where to be and when, call to make sure you picked up the kids on time, wake you up for work in the morning, make your doctor and dentist appointments for you, ask you repeatedly to do something and you keep blowing it off until she gets upset?

Once a woman feels she has to shift into 'Mommy mode' with her partner, she is likely losing respect for him. We don't want to be the ones to teach our partners about what a real man is, at that point we begin to feel he is another child we have to manage.


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## Divinely Favored

rpleaseread "No more Mr. Nice Guy" When she drops the D word, point to the door and tell her "There is the door, you are free to leave" I told my wife during a gripe session, "You realize, The louder you get the less i listen to you?" Or "Im done, when you can have a civil discussion, we can continue the talk"


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## T.Andre

Divinely Favored said:


> rpleaseread "No more Mr. Nice Guy" When she drops the D word, point to the door and tell her "There is the door, you are free to leave" I told my wife during a gripe session, "You realize, The louder you get the less i listen to you?" Or "Im done, when you can have a civil discussion, we can continue the talk"


Divinely Favored, "No more Mr.Nice Guy" is the textbook I use when I counsel me going through balance issues in their relationships. When the power dynamic gets out of control, it will show how to correct it or pull the eject on a relationship. The truth is that we tend to think going along to get along works. It doesn’t it just embolden them to do more of the crap that is destroying the relationship. So agree read the book, and apply the approach to yourself and your relationship. 

Sent from my SM-G973U using Tapatalk


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## Justflowing071

Boy...I read no more Mr Nice Guy and I must say it’s sums me up perfectly....in the few days after reading that book and starting to apply it. I have Already seen a shift in the way I feel and how my wife interacts with me. It’s early days but either way I’m feeling a lot better and really understanding things that I didn’t notice. Thanks for all the recommendations and useful views. I can now say without a doubt that the flaw that needs fixing is the one in myself.


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