# Hey there



## MessyBrain (2 mo ago)

Yikes.

I jumped ship and headed straight to coping with infidelity section (long post here: (1) Siri Suggestions shock | Talk About Marriage )

I'm here because I'm so conflicted and lost about what to do next in my marriage. I'm going cross eyed reading books so I'm here, sharing my story, to sound board really. I tried reddit but found the advice so extreme, not that I'm not thankful, some did truly help me in those early hours of discovery. But no one factored in what goes into making a 20yr relationship work... well not working as well as I thought I guess... and "run!!" wasn't very helpful, one cannot simply run away like you would in a young dating relationship gone bad.

My husband and I have overcome a myriad of life changing obstacles to build a strong marriage we both, well... I thought "we" but looks like just me, values. 20yrs together, 17 almost 18yrs married. I don't want to throw it away but at the same time how do you rebuild when betrayed? I have no clue where the "start line" is nor what it would look like. But I need to try before I just walk.

The crux of it is, he had tinder and bumble on his phone, 'had' because he deleted the profiles when confronted so I don't know the depth of betrayal but trust is broken, love damaged, I feel so devalued, feel so insecure. Dday was over the weekend so it's very fresh.

So... hi. I hope this place will help me see all my options.

Edit: I also edit a lot. I'm terrible with proof reading.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

MessyBrain said:


> Yikes.
> 
> I jumped ship and headed straight to coping with infidelity section (long post here: (1) Siri Suggestions shock | Talk About Marriage )
> 
> ...


@MessyBrain Welcome to TAM!
I didn’t see your other thread yet but will check that. I’m sorry for the betrayal, I’m sure TAM will have many different voices that chime in to give you thoughts.

Best of luck to you. I hope you find exactly what you need here.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You say you need to "try" before you walk.

I would say your wayward husband needs to try.
Try and right his wrongs, try to get right with his wife, and forever try be a good man.

In his case, try must equal succeed.

He must do the hard work and heavy lifting.
These are buzz words, but along with the buzz comes the sting.
The sting of failure on his part.

Lay out the rules he must follow, and tell him there are no second chances.

In your mind, give the marriage a time line.
Say, six months, maybe a year.
If he improves and becomes the apple of your eye, then give him another year.


Many on here will say dump him, he took the bridge too far.
He may have.

You still do not have the full story.
Did he meet up with any women?
If so, what other boundaries did he leap over?

Ding, ding, it is your call to answer.


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