# How TAM Has Helped me with Cheating and Assault



## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

I want to first apologize if this is the incorrect forum to post in as my story does not fit into either requesting help or a specific view on cheating. Please have this post moved if so. I felt the pull to post my story after months of lurking.

I've been thinking of multiple ways to post this, but I think keeping it as brief as possible while keeping the integrity of my ideas is best. That doesn't mean this will be a short post but it is the culmination of 5 years of events and thoughts. However, I am going to start from the end of the story.

I came to TAM interested on ways to improve myself in my current relationship and to get others view on what marriage means to them so I could shape my own views as marriage is something not too honestly discussed about and I find that odd considering it can be a life-long decision. However, especially after frequenting the CWI thread, I have had a lot of old emotions dredged up that had not been fully worked through. These past few months on TAM have been emotionally taxing and liberating. I know for many posters on here they have had the same experience and for this reason I want to share with others.

3 years ago I had been cheated on in a serious relationship and went through the emotional rollercoaster that comes with betrayal. But I actually view this as a positive step to my growth. You see, 1 year prior to that I had been raped by a man in my squadron. When he was done he told me he did it to punish me. What hurt was not just the act but the aftermath. There was no legal repercussion to his act and in fact if I did try anything it would more likely stain my reputation and eat up my finances. Facing the sting of disbelief and blame from those who I had considered friends was truly just as difficult. I wallowed in grief for months running over and over again in my mind what it was that I did to cause him to do that. Was it what I wore, was it because I was drunk, had I been coming onto him and made him rape me? Many people chimed in telling me I was a *****, schizophrenic and so on. 

When I was cheated on by my boyfriend a year later this same dynamic happened. When I confronted him he told me what I did to make him do that and there was plenty of judgement from his friends. What was different this time was that I had grown in that year. I was beginning to realize I was responsible for only my actions, I could not force anyone to do anything to me. I was beginning to realize that other people's opinions are worth nothing at all. The majority of people will project their opinions so they do not have to listen to stories of pain. So they don't have to face the fear that it may happen to them. The friends who did listen to me with their hearts and minds opened are those whose opinions I respected. 

I stood up to him and said that he had cheated. I loved him but I was not going to contact him again. The man who I had loved was just a mask and this was the real him. I think this is the hardest part. I felt ashamed of my decision making skills. I was learning to trust people as they reveal themselves and not how we would like them or the situation to be though. Just as the man who I had trusted in my squadron was just a mask and the man who had assaulted me was the real him. Unlike confronting my cheating ex-boyfriend, it took me many months to stand up to the man who had raped me. I had felt that I was in a depression that would never lift. I had felt the Maria who had been there before the assault was never coming back. Up until the day I received a letter from my work e-mail from him. It was 10 pages long telling me how I was crazy, schizo, a liar and a *****. A sensation of calm came over me, of finally being myself again. I wrote back that he had in fact raped me and that if he were ever going to contact me again he would be in jail. While I knew I had no legal options, the point was to affirm what had happened and cut off his contact.

What happened after that e-mail was a regaining of myself. Still broken and hollow in many ways, but with a small fire burning that was not being put out. I booked a trip to Italy as I had always dreamed of finding my extended family. I traveled knowing little to no Italian and with nothing but a photo of a great grandparent. I have now been in contact with my family for 3 years and speak fluent Italian. 

What happened after my cheating boyfriend, which was a year after the assault in case my time lines are getting confusing, is that I took three years off of dating. I explored my career interests and found that my current sector of working in public health was not doing it for me anymore and I wanted to work one on one with patients. I have returned to undergraduate classes to become an Occupational Therapist. Applying for grad school now. Fingers crosed!

I learned that while the world may not give us the justice that we so desperately want. I wanted the man who hurt me in jail. I wanted to scream to the world that my ex-boyfriend was a cheater and to have all my friends cut him off. But this is not what we need to move on. It is being ourselves and loving ourselves. It is not being believed by everyone, it is believing it in our cores what happened to us is not our fault, we did not deserve it and yes we can live and move on. It is trusting ourselves and using our knowledge of what happened to help others. I cannot tell you how many men and women I have counselled who have been either assaulted or cheated on that I have been able to help by just listening without judgement. I am not afraid of feeling their pain because I can see the beauty and light of who they are and I know that they will see that no one can take that away from them no matter how that person tries to put out their light. 

I do not hate either the boy who cheated on me or the man who raped me. I think when we are ourselves we realize it is our greatest gift and truly the only thing we have. We cannot control our situation but we can control the type of person we want to be. The men who have hurt me have chosen to throw away the only thing they truly have in this world. I did not. 

This dynamic that I have been on twice of trauma, self-blame, understanding and finding myself is a journey that many here on TAM have been through. Many times I have been brought to tears by the stories that have been posted here. All of your stories have allowed me to look deeper into what has happened in my own journey and to accept my journey more and to challenge myself to understand myself more. 

So thank you all for having the bravery to post your stories. We are all on this journey together and we can all make it easier when we share and accept our stories. Tell the hard truths and accept our weaknesses. There is still so much more for me to learn and I hope to do so as I spend a more active life on these forums.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Please tell me you didn't use your real name as your username.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

lenzi said:


> Please tell me you didn't use your real name as your username.


No I did not. It's a combination of places in Italy I have never been to. I thought having a normal sounding name up there, which is not in any way related to my name, would make it easier for people to type instead of typing out names of cities.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

That is an amazing story of self recovery and awareness. I am sorry for what has happened to you, but I am proud that you have been able to overcome adversity and have peace. These forums are indeed a great place to get help.

Good luck in getting into Grad school


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

Observer said:


> That is an amazing story of self recovery and awareness. I am sorry for what has happened to you, but I am proud that you have been able to overcome adversity and have peace. These forums are indeed a great place to get help.
> 
> Good luck in getting into Grad school


Thank you Observer.

I wasn't sure if I had worded my story in a coherent way. It's hard with two different timelines, but I think the life lessons we learn are more circular. We are always adding on to the big lessons of life with new experiences that color our old experiences in a different light. That's what TAM has been doing for me. It's been very affirming seeing others going through their awareness and self discovery.

While I would say I would rather be cheated on every day of the week than ever be assaulted again, I think the becoming aware of ourselves part is very similar. This is the only forum that has ever spoken to that side of both of my experiences.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Maria Canosa Gargano said:


> No I did not. It's a combination of places in Italy I have never been to. I thought having a normal sounding name up there, which is not in any way related to my name, would make it easier for people to type instead of typing out names of cities.


I do not know Gargano, but I do know Canosa. The term "walk to Canossa" is still used in some places.

I hope you find peace in overcoming the pain that others have given to you. I do think that you can find the resources within yourself to move on in spite of what has happened. And I certainly wish you luck in doing so.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

sidney2718 said:


> I do not know Gargano, but I do know Canosa. The term "walk to Canossa" is still used in some places.
> 
> I hope you find peace in overcoming the pain that others have given to you. I do think that you can find the resources within yourself to move on in spite of what has happened. And I certainly wish you luck in doing so.


Thank you so much Sidney.  Kind words have a greater effect than you know.

Well I lied a little bit. Gargano is not actually a city but a sub region. It's an eco-tourism area and I would love to go see it one day.

Gargano - Wikipedia

I want to say this right. I have moved on in several ways. I don't think about either event often. I can talk about all the details of both events without choking up or feeling any strong emotion. The way I see them now are events which have changed my viewpoint to be the person I really love today. They are also events that I constantly have philosophical questions about. For example, whenever anyone asks if humans are inherently good or evil I think back to my own experiences as a way to think about how to reach a conclusion. Emotionally I feel past these events, but I think like any big change in our world, they will always be a part of my life story.

Believe it or not, it actually took me longer time to get over the cheating because of its much more psychological nature...for me. I know many men and women who could not shake off psychologically sexual assault for me it became clear that I was not at fault and once I reached that conclusion I never went back to questioning myself or trying to change myself. The cheating took much longer. I took it more personal, I tried to change myself and was lost for a good year in the grief (even after the breakup) of not only losing someone I loved but of giving myself away. I still thought even after the betrayal that I needed to change myself, if not for him, then for someone else to love me. The echos of his judgment of me went on longer in my mind.

TAM has helped to see me how we go down that rabbit hole much more clearly. I already was understanding the journey of self awareness was similar in both cases, but TAM here helped to bring an outsider perspective and clearly delineated the steps. Kind of like when you think to yourself "I always thought that but never put it into words!" It helps to cement your ideas, expand them and put them into action easier. That's why I love being here.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

sidney2718 said:


> I do not know Gargano, but I do know Canosa. The term "walk to Canossa" is still used in some places.
> 
> I hope you find peace in overcoming the pain that others have given to you. I do think that you can find the resources within yourself to move on in spite of what has happened. And I certainly wish you luck in doing so.


Sidney, the last post didn't go through for some reason, but I think (from my own perspective) that I have gotten past it but that those experiences will always have an impact both negative and positive. I have learned and grow so much and it unwillingly and then willingly forced me to become self-aware. 

Believe it or not the cheating took me a lot more time to mentally process. I think that comes from the TTing and gaslighting. TAM has shown me how to constructively break through gaslighting esp with people you love.

Thank you so much for your kindness and goodwill. That means a lot 

Gargano is not a real city actually but a subregion. Lots of ecotourism there which I would love to do someday.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am glad you found us.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I am glad you found us.


Thank you Matt. Thanks for being quality people.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Maria Canosa Gargano

Reading your story has a tear rolling down my face. The adversity you have seemingly overcome. I sit with admiration for your strength and perseverance. I think helping people as you do fits you perfectly. I believe you will have no difficulties being accepted by any grad school of your choice. I wish you continued success in your life, peace, and much happiness going forward. You are truly inspirational. Stay strong and conquer your dreams.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Maria Canosa Gargano
> 
> Reading your story has a tear rolling down my face. The adversity you have seemingly overcome. I sit with admiration for your strength and perseverance. I think helping people as you do fits you perfectly. I believe you will have no difficulties being accepted by any grad school of your choice. I wish you continued success in your life, peace, and much happiness going forward. You are truly inspirational. Stay strong and conquer your dreams.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow that really brightened my day. Kind words do truly have an effect 

The thing about what I have faced is that it is the normal lot of human beings to suffer. I'm not pointing to any spiritual practice to make this claim. I just think the good, the bad and the truly horrible is going to come no matter who we are. It's the wringer that demands from us the most to show who we are and what values we hold. I think that's a universal human experience and one that all can relate to. My story is not unique or even close to being the worst but it did open my eyes to how reality is and how we are all in this together. I don't think playing a game of who is in the most pain is productive either. Just how can we help each other the most and draw upon our experiences to figure that out. Sometimes it is humbling ourselves in front of others, sometimes it is steeling ourselves. I think a lot of debates here on CWI is when that is appropriate to do in situations of betrayal. 

Also know that a lot of that strength and perseverance came out of dark days of not knowing if I was worth it. Of primal crying and self-hatred and self-harming acts and embarrassing deeds. It's easy to look at the end result and say you were strong but the road to get there is like Dante's journey in that you must go down to hell first. 

That was how it was for me. I am no superwoman.

I see a lot of strength in people here who have been through the hardest parts of their journey too. 

I will update my profile if I do get in! Though you may not know the inspiration you give, know that it is every day in your presence and in your actions such as your decision to reach out to an internet stranger like me. Best wishes with your goals. You will accomplish them and more.


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## Stillasamountain (Jan 13, 2014)

Very brave of you OP.

And I think you are right. It's how we choose to react to things that make the difference. Sometimes the worst moments are the most fertile ground for personal growth.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Maria Canosa Gargano

Your words brought a smile to my face. I sincerely hope you update your profile whether you get in or not to grad school. My words could never inspire to the level of yours, in my opinion. It is true your darkest moments build strength, if you don't succumb to your weaknesses. Stay strong.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

Stillasamountain said:


> Very brave of you OP.
> 
> And I think you are right. It's how we choose to react to things that make the difference. Sometimes the worst moments are the most fertile ground for personal growth.


Thank you Stillasamountain. You have put it in much more succinct words what I was getting at. 

I also think a lot of the advice here on CWI points to that. The 180 I think is less about turning the other person around and turning your attention around from them to yourself. Reconciliation or Divorce are not the goals but the tools to get to the real goal which is the personal journey.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Maria Canosa Gargano
> 
> Your words brought a smile to my face. I sincerely hope you update your profile whether you get in or not to grad school. My words could never inspire to the level of yours, in my opinion. It is true your darkest moments build strength, if you don't succumb to your weaknesses. Stay strong.


I will! And if I don't get it, the update will be "Still Trucking" 

Your words already have.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Maria Canosa Gargano said*: *I learned that while the world may not give us the justice that we so desperately want. I wanted the man who hurt me in jail. I wanted to scream to the world that my ex-boyfriend was a cheater and to have all my friends cut him off. But this is not what we need to move on.
> 
> It is being ourselves and loving ourselves. It is not being believed by everyone, it is believing it in our cores what happened to us is not our fault, we did not deserve it and yes we can live and move on. It is trusting ourselves and using our knowledge of what happened to help others. I cannot tell you how many men and women I have counselled who have been either assaulted or cheated on that I have been able to help by just listening without judgement. I am not afraid of feeling their pain because I can see the beauty and light of who they are and I know that they will see that no one can take that away from them no matter how that person tries to put out their light.*


 Just found this thread... months later.. can't imagine the anger you dealt with here, the sheer injustice... but you came out from under it.. wouldn't let it take you down...so admirable... .really loved this part above... 

Another asset to TAM.. I've always felt those who who endured the hardest trials and came through it -overcame.. you make the greatest and most understanding mentors to others... :smthumbup:


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Just found this thread... months later.. can't imagine the anger you dealt with here, the sheer injustice... but you came out from under it.. wouldn't let it take you down...so admirable... .really loved this part above...
> 
> Another asset to TAM.. I've always felt those who who endured the hardest trials and came through it -overcame.. you make the greatest and most understanding mentors to others... :smthumbup:


Getting to that point in believing that you don't need anyone's approval to define your life story and who you are is hard even today. 

You too are an asset to TAM. Always loved your posts even before I joined. You really capture the feeling of passion you have towards your husband. I love that


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hi, I am glad you survived a lot and have learn to grow from misfortune.

I, too, have learned that life is not fair or just, and we have to learn to deal with the sh1t that comes our way. Sometimes we run across dysfunctional people that make their dysfunction our own. My story is long, perhaps I will fully share my entire life story one day as well so people have an understanding how I came to be the way I am, and why I want to help people as well.

I do enjoy your post when I come across them. People's myriad of experience can bring wisdom for others to help navigate through their own crucible.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Hi, I am glad you survived a lot and have learn to grow from misfortune.
> 
> I, too, have learned that life is not fair or just, and we have to learn to deal with the sh1t that comes our way. *Sometimes we run across dysfunctional people that make their dysfunction our own. * My story is long, perhaps I will fully share my entire life story one day as well so people have an understanding how I came to be the way I am, and why I want to help people as well.
> 
> I do enjoy your post when I come across them. People's myriad of experience can bring wisdom for others to help navigate through their own crucible.


Very very astute.

That was really the crux of the whole problem. He told me he did it to punish me. What a strange judge, jury, executioner fantasy he must have had in his mind. One that I was never aware of.

I would love to hear your story one day. But I would completely understand why you would not want to as well.

And I have enjoyed your insights. They are always well reasoned.


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