# [B]Walk away wife syndrome[/B]



## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

I am sure that my wife is here. She has left and cut all communication. I have not tried to contact her in about three weeks. I am just wondering if anybody out there is going through or has gone through this. I don't know how to make contact with her without pushing her further away. I am working on making lasting changes for myself but fear that she is at the "too little, too late" point. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

I have a husband who is there. Walk away Husband Syndrom....

I've been told to just leave it be....(180 I think it's called)....work on you. For my own situation that doesn't work -- that's not to say it would not benefit you and your situation.

So - my advice to you is to follow your instinct. Do what you feel is right, and I hope that your W isn't as closed off and non-decisive as my H. 

Best wishes!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am sorry to hear both of you are in my boat. 3 weeks ago my wife walked away after 9 months of trying to fix hearing the D word. I tried to fix it, but it was hard to read when she was willing to work on it and then not. Been a true roller coaster.

The 180 is for all of us as a way to build ourselves up. Read it and live it. I wish you both well. I never thought I would be here, but who does.


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

I am working on the 180, as hard as it is to follow through with. With the wife leaving I have had so much time to think about things. I have begun to understand her motivation but yet I have not been able confirm anything. The last bit of conversation we had could be summed up with a "You know what is wrong", and "you should have done something a long time ago." The hook in the gut was when she said "I love you but I am not in love with you."
9 years gone in a sentence.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I can relate. One thing I heard from her was she said she had been giving me signs that I missed. I had no clue or was at least blind to them being signals that she was thinking of ending us and planning an exit stategy. The first MC we went to asked her if she thought I was a mind reader. For some reason women like these do not communicate it well and we do not hear it well. 

I have to ask. Could there be someone else. I believe my WAW with a MLC has dabbled in an EA, which is all part of them filling the void they are missing in their marriage.

I probably am the last person to give advice as my head is really troubled with all of this right now, but If I were you I would check emails, phone records and see if there is someone else.

I would also seek professional help for you. IC. I am starting soon.

Be strong!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Bewilderment said:


> I am sure that my wife is here. She has left and cut all communication. I have not tried to contact her in about three weeks. I am just wondering if anybody out there is going through or has gone through this. I don't know how to make contact with her without pushing her further away. I am working on making lasting changes for myself but fear that she is at the "too little, too late" point. Any advice would be appreciated.


There is never a "point of no return". My W told me "too little too late" the first time she left when I told her I changed. She ended up eating those words.

Time is your friend, since you are NC she doesn't know what you are doing either and believe me, she is thinking about you. She'll break eventually, you just have to wait her out. Don't jump on any chance to meet up with her, you don't know if she'll break contact to see what you are doing, tell you there's someone else (90% of the time there is), or she wants you back. 

The longer you are in NC, the more it works in your favor. After 6 weeks or so they start to drop the negativity they have over the M so really you need to hold out for at least that long. 

Find things to do and plan out your future without her so you are prepared one way or another. Post when you do hear from her and try to wait for feedback before you respond so you don't make any common mistakes.


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

This is me said:


> I can relate. One thing I heard from her was she said she had been giving me signs that I missed. I had no clue or was at least blind to them being signals that she was thinking of ending us and planning an exit stategy. The first MC we went to asked her if she thought I was a mind reader. For some reason women like these do not communicate it well and we do not hear it well.
> 
> I have to ask. Could there be someone else. I believe my WAW with a MLC has dabbled in an EA, which is all part of them filling the void they are missing in their marriage.
> 
> ...


thanks, for the support. I am pretty sure that I miss read the signs of an exit strategy as cheating. I questioned her on it and looked at her email once. I don't think that she is, as she was hurt by the guy before me. He cheated on her with her room mate and they ran off together. She still has that baggage on her back. I am a very loyal individual and that is one of the reasons she married me. I am going to counsilling but I can't really afford to go as often as I would like to. She has left me to foot both halves of the financial burden.


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> There is never a "point of no return". My W told me "too little too soon" the first time she left when I told her I changed. She ended up eating those words.
> 
> Time is your friend, since you are NC she doesn't know what you are doing either and believe me, she is thinking about you. She'll break eventually, you just have to wait her out. Don't jump on any chance to meet up with her, you don't know if she'll break contact to see what you are doing, tell you there's someone else (90% of the time there is), or she wants you back.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the positive view. I think that the closer we get to Christmas the harder it will be for her to not communicate. I am going to wait things out and not break the radio silence. If she wants me back, she is going to need to come and talk to me. I have been working on myself now for a couple of months, and this reality check has told me that I need to continue making positive changes for myself, whatever may come. I have lost nearly 40lbs and have regained my love of exercise. I find it to be a great stress reliever. 

I will definitely be posting before I doing anything.


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

I got a surprise tonight. She broke the silence and sent me a text message asking when I am working over the next few days. I have not responded yet and I am going to wait to respond. I welcome any suggestions.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Bewilderment said:


> Thanks for the positive view. I think that the closer we get to Christmas the harder it will be for her to not communicate. I am going to wait things out and not break the radio silence. If she wants me back, she is going to need to come and talk to me. I have been working on myself now for a couple of months, and this reality check has told me that I need to continue making positive changes for myself, whatever may come. I have lost nearly 40lbs and have regained my love of exercise. I find it to be a great stress reliever.
> 
> I will definitely be posting before I doing anything.


Sounds like you are doing alot of the right things. Keep with it!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Bewilderment said:


> I got a surprise tonight. She broke the silence and sent me a text message asking when I am working over the next few days. I have not responded yet and I am going to wait to respond. I welcome any suggestions.


IMO, I would not respond. Play dumb. It is a vague question and I would question her motives. I hate text messages, she owes you a phone call not and few characters on a screen. 

Read the 180 and respond appropriately to what you believe is best.

Be strong!


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

Sounds good. You are echoing what I have been thinking about. I am going to wait till later and tell her I am busy right now and that I wont be available until Sunday evening. I have Monday off and I don't work until later on Tuesday. I figure it will be good to have her meet me on my terms.

What are your thoughts on responding back with a question about her reasoning for the message? Or do you think that I should tell her when she can meet with me and not question her motives? 

I know that if she does actually want to talk I will let her do the talking and if she drops the d bomb that I will not respond but just say that I need to think about it. Don't give her an immediate response. I want to show her that I am stronger now. 

I am tired of wasting time with my life whatever she is going to do is not going to change my direction. I know that now.


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

well she is meeting me tonight. Wish me luck.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Bewilderment said:


> well she is meeting me tonight. Wish me luck.


Good luck. Stay strong. 180.


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

Well I met with her last night, and we talked until 4 in the morning, and confirmed several theories about what was wrong. She is still not living with me, and she packed up more clothes. I confirmed that she is struggling that she doesn't want to hurt me, but she doesn't know how to fall back in love with me. She doesn't know if she can fall back in love with me again when i am the source of so much of her pain. She said that she hears a change in me, but will believe the change when she sees it. I know that I am trying to own up to my part in our problems and she has yet to acknowledge her part. She is opening the communication up more now and is coming back in a couple of days to talk about our finances. I am still resolved to let her have her space as she feels like I denied her, her sense of self, and now she is reclaiming it.


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## blr (Dec 1, 2011)

what is "180" that has been talked about a few times?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Bewilderment said:


> Well I met with her last night, and we talked until 4 in the morning, and confirmed several theories about what was wrong. She is still not living with me, and she packed up more clothes. I confirmed that she is struggling that she doesn't want to hurt me, but she doesn't know how to fall back in love with me. She doesn't know if she can fall back in love with me again when i am the source of so much of her pain. She said that she hears a change in me, but will believe the change when she sees it. I know that I am trying to own up to my part in our problems and she has yet to acknowledge her part. She is opening the communication up more now and is coming back in a couple of days to talk about our finances. I am still resolved to let her have her space as she feels like I denied her, her sense of self, and now she is reclaiming it.


Wow this is so so similar to what I have heard. I still do not understand how they get so far away emotionally with so much history of wonderful memories. I could be wrong, but can only imagine in my case that it is a Mid Life Crisis. From what I have read they get so unhappy with life, that they blame the one closest to them and never own up to their own issues.

Again, I could be wrong, but only want to show her I can change and hope she will do the same. Otherwise we will fail.

I am glad you got a chance to talk and wish you all the best. Be strong!


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Bewilderment,

I faced the same thing, but she came back 3x for clothes, shoes, etc. Finally I cornered her and asked, and she said I want a divorce and there is another man. 180 once again. She is imbalanced for sure!


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

She didn't meet me the other day to talk about the finances, but I did see her a couple of times at the house when I came home unexpectedly. She is coming tonight to discuss the budget, and hopefully she is interested in seeing how I tackle this problem to prove that I have made significant change. She has already seen a banker and started severing the ability to rack up any joint debt. Through this whole experience I have discovered things I blocked from my childhood and how they manifested themselves in our relationship, and I have grown in one month more then I have in our entire relationship. I hope that she is able to see my new strength and resolve to live better and be better. I am going to try and find out her agenda tonight as she has been very strange when I have talked with her about the future and what it holds. Hopefully she wants to make things better.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Bewilder: I just caught up on your thread. The first txt message - I would have guessed by the way it was worded is that she was looking for find out when you aren't home to get the rest of her stuff. 

This isn't looking good for your marriage to continue, but kudos to you for making changes in your life to make you a better man for the next relationship you have. 

If she's separating finances - she's more than likely pulling the plug. Sorry to be a downer. My condolences to you.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Bewilderment said:


> She didn't meet me the other day to talk about the finances, but I did see her a couple of times at the house when I came home unexpectedly. She is coming tonight to discuss the budget, and hopefully she is interested in seeing how I tackle this problem to prove that I have made significant change. She has already seen a banker and started severing the ability to rack up any joint debt. Through this whole experience I have discovered things I blocked from my childhood and how they manifested themselves in our relationship, and I have grown in one month more then I have in our entire relationship. I hope that she is able to see my new strength and resolve to live better and be better. I am going to try and find out her agenda tonight as she has been very strange when I have talked with her about the future and what it holds. Hopefully she wants to make things better.


I remember this stage, about a month after my W moved out to stay with her mom’s. She would come over like once a week to discuss budgets and talk about how she can never see us getting back together and she has built walls around her. Mind you there was another man involved which was her motivation for leaving and odds are there’s one in your case, you just don’t know it yet. 

I did a lot of begging and pleading in this phase which made her feel guilty but ended up pushing her away. Today I understand what she was feeling and why what I was doing didn’t work. She expects you to act a certain way and is prepared for it. You need to understand anything you do to try to impress her or win her back at this point in time will just push her away. 

Your best bet is to pursue the divorce full steam, as if you want it more than her. Hell, tell her you want it over as quickly as possible so you can move on with your life and find someone else. This will make her do a double take and have second thoughts. I found the best way to stop a divorce is to try to force it down their throats.

It really win-win, you’ll either make her doubt herself and try to R or if she goes through with it without a fight you’ll know there was never a chance to R in the first place and you saved yourself a lot of time being in limbo.

You should never fight or disagree with them; they instinctively want to do the opposite of what you want (because they believe you will try to trick them into going back) so when you agree with them they wonder if they are making the right choice.

I spent 1 ½ years going through 2 false Rs and one real R. I could have shaved off a year and the false Rs had I filed for a D when she moved out (or when I found out about the A, a couple of weeks later). Once they see they have lost you for good and you no longer love them then THAT'S when they suddenly develop feelings for you again.


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

Thanks for the advice. 

After talking with her last night for 5 hours I realized something had changed. I felt sorry for her. I wasn't looking for affection. I wasn't emotional at all. I had a calmness and I comforted her and gave her a hug. All it was to me was a hug, nothing more. 

Earlier in the night I called her out on some of her actions and told her that I was not ok with how she was coming and taking things without letting me know she was coming. I told her that text messaging as the sole means of communication was not ok and that it was impersonable. After that I felt lighter. It felt good to tell her that she had wronged me and that it wasn't just me. 

Whenever the discussion went to the "divorce" word she couldn't say it, infact she has not as best I can remember it actually used the word yet. 

I now see her for being weak and afraid. She is taking the easy way out, the low road and running away from her problems. What I thought started in August she told me was realized in November. I see her excuses and I know that she is happy right now to use me as her scapegoat. 

I have a new resolve now, and I am going to start protecting myself. I have set up my own account so that my funds are not accessible from the joint account and I am going to speak with a realtor on Monday. 

I am not going to threaten her with anything but rather just mention things and ask if she would like to be present when the realtor comes by for the appraisal. Calm, cool and collected.

thoughts and comments are always appreciated


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Excellent! Stay strong now! We are here to support you!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You are making moves to protect yourself which is good and the appraisel should shake her up a bit. 

Without rereading are you doing counseling, has this come up? In my situation she is going to MC with me, so I am trying to show patience, but there will be a point if she does not show she is moving in the right direction, that I will start my move.


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

Shortly after she left I decided to go to counselling and not just because she left. When she left I learned of child abuse that I had blocked out of my memory and after receiving that double whamy I decided that I should seek counselling. The counselling has been great for me. I have mentioned to her to attend several times and during our last conversation she accused me of "trying to control her by going to counselling." I even suggested that she pick the counsellor. She is in Denial, and she has not admitted to any responsibility yet at all. It is all about how much I damaged her and, no personal accountability, and it makes total sense now about doing a 180. I have had so much time to analyse the past, and I see the exact same things done to me by her. She has no reason for what she is doing right now. I have not, brought another woman or man into the relationship, I don't have an addiction to drugs or alcohol, I've never hit her or yelled at her. All I am really guilty of is poor communication, and when I acknowledge it and try to work on it with her it's all to late, and I don't want to run back into a burning building. Holy crap that felt good to let out. 

I am so glad that I finally have taken the dam pitty glasses off, manned up and started dealing with stuff before she pulls me any further into that hole. 

Today she came by just as I was coming home from work. I didn't spend more than 1 minute talking with her and instead started what I had planned to do when I got home and that was work out. I just got ready and started working out. I didn't follow her, I didn't seek any acknowledgement. I did ask her however where her contribution for the bills was. She deferred to saying that I thought you said that you got it covered. 

I am so glad that I built a budget tracker and I am keeping track of her contributions. It is hard to get by right now. Fortunately one advantage of losing all the weight I have is that I don't need to eat as much. I have also started contacting my service providers and started asking about cheaper ways of maintaining my services. She is going to be in for a surprise when she tries and connects to the wifi.


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