# Husband looking for validation



## DC1001 (Dec 8, 2014)

My husband is such a good guy. We've had challenges, we've had ups and downs. My husband travels for work. We have a child with special needs. The stress level can be high some times.

We're just at this disconnect, though we get along well. I started reading Becoming the Woman God Wants me to Be: A 90 Day Guide to Living the Proverbs 31 Life.

It has been eye opening. I know I can do so much better as a wife. And it's helped me realize I can't change him. I can't change what he does. I can only change me. I can change what I do. I can change what I don't do. I can change how I react to him, or to arguments. I can lead by example.

It's been kind of freeing, and I think I've seen a small change in him, too, and in his attitude, which is great.

Today he told me that his focus for the rest of the month is really going to be to let go of negativity - (he's constantly negative.). I know what he means... I was too, and this book has me thinking about things more positively. I started a gratitude journal, as well, and I KNOW I've changed outwardly because of it. So I'm THRILLED that he 1) wants to let go of his negativity, and 2) actually shared with me his plan.

The challenge is - he also told me that he has so many good people in his life, and he wants to do more, and he wants to - each day - reach out to one of his Facebook friends and say something nice to them or thank them for the positive impact they've had on his life.

Why do I have an issue with this? 
1) He has over 1000 facebook friends. Most are just people he knows.. not friends. 

2) I know him. When we met 8 years ago, he told me... He likes to have his ego stroked... He's reigned that way in, which is great, but I worry that this project of his thanking people is really not for them, but instead for them to respond and stroke his ego back. Which I really don't think is healthy. 

3) I feel like this is going to open a huge can of worms. He's already online A ALOT. Just reading the news. Looking at Facebook, etc. Now he's going to spend MORE time online?

4) He'd never admit this, but come one, what guy wouldn't like if someone flirted with them? And I can honestly see some of his Facebook 'friends' taking this the wrong way, and flirting with him. And frankly, I don't want his ego stroked that way. 

5) Our marriage has had its ups and downs, and we've had issues with boundaries in the past. Both of us. And it took forever to overcome. So I just want to be like - ARE YOU KIDDING ME? about this project... Honestly, I wish he'd put this much effort into our marriage, truth be told. I wish he could seek happiness and validation here, instead of out there. Not because I want anything from him, but because I want this to be 'enough' for him. I know I can't meet all his needs, so if he wants to send his family notes, his close friends notes, etc, telling them why they're important to him, I think that's a great idea. But I think reaching out to 1000+, some of who he barely knows, is opening up a can of worms, and frankly, not protecting our marriage.

I wouldn't say that to him in that way; I don't want him to think I'm not supportive. I told him I thought it was a great idea as part of personal improvement, but that with his schedule, keeping up would be hard, and maybe he should do one a week? (Family & close friends?) He basically accused me of being unsupportive. 

I support it to an extent. 

Am I being unreasonable? I'm not sure what to say next. But I'm totally uncomfortable with this big announcement he wants to make on facebook telling everyone he's going to reach out to them personally to let them know why they're important to him. I am partly worried about him opening himself up to other people opening up to him, and I'm partly annoyed because I feel like he's doing this for attention - not because he really wants to share why the people in his life are important.

Help!


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

No you are not being unreasonable because FB is a huge time waster that will cannibalize time that should be dedicated to your marriage.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I think you should tell your husband exactly what you wrote in your OP.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

DC1001 said:


> I wouldn't say that to him in that way; I don't want him to think I'm not supportive. I told him I thought it was a great idea as part of personal improvement, but that with his schedule, keeping up would be hard, and maybe he should do one a week? (Family & close friends?)
> 
> He basically accused me of being unsupportive.
> 
> I support it to an extent.


Did you lie to him? You do not think it's a great idea. You have efficiently laid that out here. If you don't want to explain to your husband why you think it's a bad idea, that's fine, but don't tell him you think it's a great idea when you have so many problems with it unless you can clearly tell him which part is a great idea. It causes mixed messages and that's probably why he felt unsupported. It is okay for you to explain your concerns. If he is angry at that, then he's not a safe person to share your concerns with. You can support him as a person while disagreeing with his views. Does he want a "yes man?" or a wife?



DC1001 said:


> Am I being unreasonable? I'm not sure what to say next. But I'm totally uncomfortable with this big announcement he wants to make on facebook telling everyone he's going to reach out to them personally to let them know why they're important to him. I am partly worried about him opening himself up to other people opening up to him, and I'm partly annoyed because I feel like he's doing this for attention - not because he really wants to share why the people in his life are important.
> 
> Help!


You are not being unreasonable, but let him do what he's going to do without nagging him about it. Share with him your concerns and let go of what he decides to do. His decisions are just that - his.
Do be careful about how you approach him, however. Asking questions may be better than simply telling him you think he's looking for an ego stroke.
Personally I think making a big announcement like that on facebook is going to have people waiting to see if he chooses to honor them and if he doesn't there will be hurt feelings in a lot of people. That's how it goes.


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## shalom_82 (Nov 23, 2014)

I think that what you said on here is something that you should have no reservations saying to your husband. There's nothing wrong in what you said. It's logical, thoughtful, and I don't see anything bad or unkind. 

It seems like your husband wants to test you. Maybe he feels inhibited by some of your requests of him and/or by some aspects of your relationship. He may have been triggered by the book that you were reading and hoping to find out if things really have changed between you two. Only one way to find out, right? Test the waters and see what she lets me do.

I'd be curious what he does versus what he says. I'd want to test him, so to speak. The truth can be scary, but I always seek it out at whatever the cost because I don't want to hold onto a lie. It feels like a house of cards just ready to collapse.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Is he looking to fill the void, does he need to have others stroke his ego because you won't? Is that the source of the disconnect that you mention? I know for me personally my wife has never stroked my ego. I know that if I need that it has to come from somewhere else. Clients, job, friends, facebook anywhere but from her since she in incapable or unwilling. I think that it's only fair that if you don't want him to seek validation from others, then you must be willing to be the provider of it. How often do you tell him you admire him, or appreciate him, or respect him?

Edited to add: I looked up Proverbs 31. Ugg, the very thought of a "virtuous woman" is kind of a turn off. If you're using a to-do list from the bible to determine if you're virtuous rather than a list of virtues from your husband it's not likely that he'll be happy. It's not his list.


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## shalom_82 (Nov 23, 2014)

Any updates?


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