# Affairs are Romantic.



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Aren't they?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

That's what I read. 



Oko........


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oko........


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Aren't they?


I wonder if my stbx thought that when she was having sex in the walk in beer cooler with Mr. Perfect. Just like being on a sandy beach with a perfect sunset.

Hollywood has done a good job of portraying affairs as romantic and at the end everyone is "happy"


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

honcho said:


> I wonder if my stbx thought that when she was having sex in the walk in beer cooler with Mr. Perfect. Just like being on a sandy beach with a perfect sunset.
> 
> Hollywood has done a good job of portraying affairs as romantic and at the end everyone is "happy"


Harlequin Romances....



It's always the dude with the puffy shirt.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Harlequin Romances....
> 
> 
> 
> It's always the dude with the puffy shirt.


Or the mysterious loner bad boy in the leather jacket.....who really has a good heart and is just misunderstood


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Harlequin Romances....
> 
> 
> 
> It's always the dude with the puffy shirt.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I'm guessing it's the forbidden adrenaline rush thing that lights the fire. Romance is probably one of the first self deceptions.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

You guys are bored tonight, aren't you?  What, no 4th of July weekend plans? 

It's not the guy in the puffy shirt, it's not the guy in the leather jacket, and don't tell any of the musicians around here, but it's not the lead singer, the drummer, or the bass player, either. It's not even _really_ about the adrenaline rush.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here is a true story of how an affair started.

A wife was sick of her husband being a typical squaddie. He was a sergeant in the British army and treated his wife like the soldiers under him.

She was becoming more and more unhappy.

One day she was on a company outing and she had left her jacket in the office. The weather turned very cold and she was shivering.

A male colleague took his jacket off and gave it to her to keep her warm. 

"My husband wouldn't have done that for me" she thinks. And then thinks "Oh!"

The affair was with the young man who gave her his jacket. They are still together 10 years on.

Was that romantic? Maybe a little.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Of course they are romantic just like porno is the way real couples make love. (Damn it! Can't turn off this [email protected]#$% sarcasm switch).


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

EI said:


> You guys are bored tonight, aren't you?  What, no 4th of July weekend plans?
> 
> It's not the guy in the puffy shirt, it's not the guy in the leather jacket, and don't tell any of the musicians around here, but it's not the lead singer, the drummer, or the bass player, either. It's not even _really_ about the adrenaline rush.


Wait for it, wait for it...

Its not kosher to keep a brother hanging!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

On a side note ha ha ha ha Bandit you got smacked down by a guy on another thread that did not understand your humor ha ha ha ha. But I digress.


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## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

It's your H's secretary who wears fishnets and stilletos and mini skirts to her job IN A MNAUFACTURING FACILITY. Yep. Bleach blonde hair and everything.

Oh yeah- plus herpes on the side. 

Very romantic.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Decorum said:


> On a side note ha ha ha ha Bandit you got smacked down by a guy on another thread that did not understand your humor ha ha ha ha. But I digress.


Ha ha ha ....yeah...laugh it up.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So...is it the danger and naughtiness that make it romantic to waywards?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I think it's the ego kibble. They feel like they deserve to be treated like rock stars, they aren't getting that kind of appreciation at home, and here's someone falling all over them like they're gods. They don't see the reality of the situation - that she just wants their money and/or is desperate to not be alone, or that he is just horny and looking to score regularly with someone grateful for his attention.

Really, it's a fantasy. It's all the benefits of an emotional connection without any of the day to day reality of actually maintaining a relationship.

I know some people marry their APs and live happily ever after. 3% of the time.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Wait for it, wait for it...
> 
> Its not kosher to keep a brother hanging!


The one inarguable truism about every single affair is that they're rooted in selfishness. Affairs aren't about the BS's, and they're not really about the AP's, they're about how the AP, or the A itself, makes the WS feel about themselves during the A. 

I am having the most romantic, most passionate, most sensual, most fulfilling A imaginable. In 2009, I walked into my therapist's office and said that I wanted to have an A with my husband. That was the beginning of a long, winding, and very broken road. But, I think Rascal Flatts said it best, "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you." I'm, now, having that A...... with my husband, and it is more romantic than anything I ever imagined possible.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

EI said:


> The one inarguable truism about every single affair is that they're rooted in selfishness. Affairs aren't about the BS's, and they're not really about the AP's, they're about how the AP, or the A itself, makes the WS feel about themselves during the A.
> 
> I am having the most romantic, most passionate, most sensual, most fulfilling A imaginable. In 2009, I walked into my therapist's office and said that I wanted to have an A with my husband. That was the beginning of a long, winding, and very broken road. But, I think Rascal Flatts said it best, "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you." I'm, now, having that A...... with my husband, and it is more romantic than anything I ever imagined possible.


Thank you, that is one of the most acceptable and encouraging things I have ever read here.
Regards, 

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. 
ROMANS 12:2


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

They're romantic I guess...if your idea of romance comes wrapped in a covering of despicable, traitorous, selfish behavior.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Affairs are romantic ......on what planet?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=35914&thumb=1


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

At the time I didn't find my xww affair romantic at all. 

Now that she has been replaced with a better person. I have found romance for myself and new gf. 

Does that count?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

It's not always about being romantic. 


I once took the wife on a sleigh ride in the Austrian Alps on Christmas Eve during a snow storm because she missed having a white Christmas. I did a lot of other things just like that along with some really simple things. No, the OM had nothing on me on being "romantic"! No his idea of "romance" was oral sex in his car in a parking lot across the street from their work. During their affair I probably spent $800 on flowers and cards, and not just on special occasions, he on the other hand texted her Merry Christmas and left a "sticky note" on her windshield on her Birthday. 

No it's not always about being romantic. It's about what's missing in their selfish minds at the time. Sometimes it's romance and sometimes it's something else entirely different. My WW was suffering from esteem issues and a midlife crises and having a much younger man pursuing her sexually filled that need in her, at least for a while. Eventually though this solution falls apart, and when it did she found herself worse off esteem and self worth wise then before.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

HarryDoyle said:


> It's not always about being romantic.
> 
> 
> I once took the wife on a sleigh ride in the Austrian Alps on Christmas Eve during a snow storm because she missed having a white Christmas. I did a lot of other things just like that along with some really simple things. No, the OM had nothing on me on being "romantic"! No his idea of "romance" was oral sex in his car in a parking lot across the street from their work. During their affair I probably spent $800 on flowers and cards, and not just on special occasions, he on the other hand texted her Merry Christmas and left a "sticky note" on her windshield on her Birthday.
> ...


* Harry: I think that it's pretty evident that from your W's sordid experience, it so aptly illustrates that "one truly reaps what they sow!"

Well anyway, at least that slim minority of cheaters that may possess some semblance of an internal conscience! *


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm with Harry. My STBX wasn't looking for romance when he started his affair. He was looking for someone who'd continuously feed him ego kibble. "Oh! You're an airline pilot! How exciting and glamorous! What a hero you are! Let me throw my pathetic self at you in constant worship of your magnificence!" He met her at a funeral, for Chrissakes. He tells people he met her at a high school reunion - because the truth is not remotely romantic. Or normal.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Harry is right- My XWW was looking for a guy who made more money than me. When sugar daddy decided to stay with his wife and my XWW had to actually get a job... the rainbows and pot of gold vanished.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Nomorebeans said:


> I'm with Harry. My STBX wasn't looking for romance when he started his affair. He was looking for someone who'd continuously feed him ego kibble. "Oh! You're an airline pilot! How exciting and glamorous! What a hero you are! Let me throw my pathetic self at you in constant worship of your magnificence!" He met her at a funeral, for Chrissakes. *He tells people he met her at a high school reunion* - because the truth is not remotely romantic. Or normal.


You should tell people they met at their family reunion.:grin2:>


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why would any one want romance out of an affair? It's been my experience that the emotional side could just be a band aid and screwing the AP is just the currency to keep the band aid on.
As far as sex goes it's erotic lust that usually is rushed.

If you think about it, why romance the WW when she is willing to phuck a guy behind her unattentive ( or any other bull shyt excuse to cheat) husband's back......in short it's easy picking for the POS that bangs married chicks.....forget about the flowers, pay for the booze and have at it in the parking lot.

Now if one is a real man one would stick to single chicks and to the real work...like romance...to get in her pants.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Of course they are, to the people in them.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

They think it's the height of romance, in my opinion. It's a fantasy rush of ego-feeding desire and flattery. It fades the noise of normal life to the background and makes the partners feel like very special, chosen people again. They say they are 'soulmates,' which seems to mean that they have a unique, special bond that excludes the rest of the mundane world. It's so special that the sordidness of it all just simply doesn't register. Ego, desire, 'I AM SPECIAL,' (S)HE PICKED ME!'

They definitely think it's romantic, in my opinion. No matter how silly it can look to the rest of us, their love is real to them:

https://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2010/11/06/part-1/


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> They think it's the height of romance, in my opinion. It's a fantasy rush of ego-feeding desire and flattery. It fades the noise of normal life to the background and makes the partners feel like very special, chosen people again. They say they are 'soulmates,' which seems to mean that they have a unique, special bond that excludes the rest of the mundane world. It's so special that the sordidness of it all just simply doesn't register. Ego, desire, 'I AM SPECIAL,' (S)HE PICKED ME!'
> 
> They definitely think it's romantic, in my opinion. No matter how silly it can look to the rest of us, their love is real to them:
> 
> https://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2010/11/06/part-1/


I think you summed it up perfectly.


What's sad is that the betrayed spouse often wished that he/she got to do the same romantic things with the WS that the AP got to enjoy, but because they are the "spouse"...the "ball and chain"...they represent the mundane, boring, drudgery aspects of life. So they are automatically disqualified. And if they try to do those things with the wayward spouse during R, the WS balks because doing those things is a "trigger" and they don't want to be reminded of the stuff they used to do with th AP. so the poor BS is double-fvcked...

Funny the way that disconnect works....


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Affairs are romantic. To be blatantly sexist about it, I think in most cases for guys infidelity is a little desert on the side. For women it is fantasy and escape. And romantic. It stirs all that teenage excitement. And the guy on the other side of that will play along for a little desert on the side. As time goes by I care less and less about infidelity and the selfishness from which it is born. Bandit, you're a free man. What in this topic keeps your attention?

Edit: Well, of course, dessert instead of desert. It the oasis that draws. Anyone remember midnight at the oasis?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It's the psychology of it that fascinates me. 

And I like stirring up lively debate.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> It's the psychology of it that fascinates me.
> 
> And I like stirring up lively debate.


Good stuff, then. Affairs are romantic. Forbidden, exciting, enticing. Everything and more. Except for how they f*ck up lives of innocents.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I would imagine affairs are more exciting and tantalizing than romantic. I have no person experience though.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

I'll come at it from a completely different angle. Affairs are a sign of desperation. It put me over the edge to realize just how lonely and disconnected my marriage had become. I asked to separate the next week. It was over. 
It wasn't romantic, it was never "oh isn't this fun because we're getting away with something", it offered an escape in the moment (selfish, yes) but mainly it was sad and lonely. And desperate. But it gave me the resolve, finally, to leave a bad situation. We're both better off.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> They think it's the height of romance, in my opinion. It's a fantasy rush of ego-feeding desire and flattery. It fades the noise of normal life to the background and makes the partners feel like very special, chosen people again. They say they are 'soulmates,' which seems to mean that they have a unique, special bond that excludes the rest of the mundane world. It's so special that the sordidness of it all just simply doesn't register. Ego, desire, 'I AM SPECIAL,' (S)HE PICKED ME!'
> 
> They definitely think it's romantic, in my opinion. No matter how silly it can look to the rest of us, their love is real to them:
> 
> https://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2010/11/06/part-1/


Love the Shmoopies!


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Sure. Romantic.

A trip down the Amazon, an excursion into deepest Africa, a treehouse in the rainforest, rebuilding the inner city, living off the land, running for political office, blah et belch.

Its all a stupid, poorly thought out idea for almost anyone, anywhere. Ignorant fools with weak reasoning fall for that crap.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

OK, I'm off to something or other that I have to go to, story of my life, the OP points to something very fundamental about human nature, desire, affairs, and the weakness of the human condition. Hey, big bro, trust you are killing it in Texas.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> OK, I'm off to something or other that I have to go to, story of my life, the OP points to something very fundamental about human nature, desire, affairs, and the weakness of the human condition. Hey, big bro, trust you are killing it in Texas.


Thanks Harken. I'm enjoying my new job and focusing on saving up for retirement. I'm killing this barbecue they cook here in TX, but no women. No more women for me. My testicles are only used for beating down subcontractors now. 

Have a great Fourth!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Yeah...they're romantic...until you stop to see what you have actually done emotionally to your BS and your family/kids.

Personally...I think A LOT of WS 'fog' is a psychological defense mechanism to avoid doing this at all.....they cannot face the destruction they have inflicted and want desperately to remain in the land of rainbows and unicorns. 

And their is NO amount of depression and desperation that justifies inflicting this pain on someone you once loved enough to swear vows to in front of friends and family, much less the pain you do to your own kids.

If sh*t is THAT bad....then LEAVE.

But they are too cowardly and selfish to do it.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

the guy said:


> Why would any one want romance out of an affair? It's been my experience that the emotional side could just be a band aid and screwing the AP is just the currency to keep the band aid on.
> As far as sex goes it's erotic lust that usually is rushed.
> 
> If you think about it, why romance the WW when she is willing to phuck a guy behind her unattentive ( or any other bull shyt excuse to cheat) husband's back......in short it's easy picking for the POS that bangs married chicks.....forget about the flowers, pay for the booze and have at it in the parking lot.
> ...



In my particular situation, both my WH and the OW think it's romantic and that they're in love. What they feel is "real". He brings her flowers from my yard, makes her the same dinners he used to make me, it's romantic, right? They're both crazy selfish people, but they're so fixated on how they are not like each other's BS's that it must be romantic they they started screwing around while married. It's obviously romantic to have lengthy text conversations with her while lying in bed next to your wife. It's delusional.

I suppose An affair can be romantic if that's the kind of relationship it is, but when it's solely about getting what you want in the moment with no thought to the world around you, it's just selfish. Especially when the affair is based significantly on lies. So many lies, to the BS, to the OW, to the children, to friends, everyone. It's really just sad and pathetic.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

When my mother told me about my fathers longstanding affair with another woman (they saw each other for 3 weeks every other year for maybe 20 years- remember the movie "Same Time Next Year?") I was 15. I told him desperately "Of course you feel romantic towards her- you haven't had to live the hard part of life with her! No bills to pay, no teenagers to raise, no house to clean or grandparents to look after- its all fake,fake fake!!!! How can you not see that? Mom and you are real- you've been through all the hard parts- thats life- thats the kind of love that lasts-thats real!!!!!" I wanted to slap him into understanding. 


They went to MC and group therapy. He ended the affair and stopped going back to his birthplace. But something weird happened when they were in their mid-70's. His family died and he said he knew he was getting older too and wanted to go back home (to his birthplace) for one last time to say goodbye to everything. 

We were shocked and appalled. We knew he wouldn't be able to resist seeing the OW. But my mom said no he should go…. she was ok with it. It was their marriage and none of our business. (true) He went and came home. They never spoke about the OW again….until a few months ago. She told me looking back - she never cared that he had sex with the OW, what bothered her was that he gave the OW his wedding ring…..My mom is 90 now and on her deathbed. She forgave but never forgot. I think she had at least one revenge EA over their 60 years of marriage.

Twenty years ago I had an EA/PA which I regret terribly. I don't think it was romantic. I think it was horrible. It is the only thing I regret in my life. It was caused by my own selfishness, low self esteem, lack of emotional maturity ,lack of understanding and experience in mature relationships. 

Now I think my H has had an EA/PA but I have no proof. Thats Karma. I hope its over. As a mature person, I have instigated MC and IC, I am taking responsibility for at least half of what caused the marriage breakdown and fixing my own shortcomings. We are looking at what each other needs from each other to be happy in the marriage and working hard to fulfill those needs. I read on another thread that men need sex, a recreational partner, and admiration/appreciation. He says he's never been happier. Women need conversation, quality time together and someone they can trust/depend on. I have never been happier. Obviously we need to work on the trust part more. 

Affairs for the most part are not romantic or real. It is about insecurity, selfishness, and immaturity. It is about how the AP make the WS feel. The BS reminds us of our real life responsibilities. In the real world we have financial burdens, we are employees/bosses, wives/husbands, mothers/fathers, daughters/sons, in-laws, outlaws, pet owners, gardeners, housekeepers, cooks, coaches, mentors….In the A world we are just our juvenile self- life revolves around our immediate needs and we don't think about the consequences of our actions. The fog. I think it is like a developmental relapse into the teenage brain.

So there's a look at it from a few perspectives. Survey says- Not romantic- Juvenile and fake


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

ROMANTIC: conducive to or characterized by the expression of love.

What is love? It is something different to everyone. A universally accepted concept that cannot be specifically defined or its exact parameters identified. And yet we all use the word as if we all know what it means. To me, personally, it is a vague concept concocted to try and describe a wide ranging gamut of emotional and psychological experiences. I find it inaccurate, misused, overused and convoluted. Ideally, it should represent something that is pure and incorruptible but that is far and away not how it is used.

"Love" cannot exist in the absence of empathy, accountability, selflessness, patience, dedication and truth. Absent any one of these, "love" becomes a twisted, incomplete description of something unrelated. So, therefore, since an affair is the antithesis of "love" it cannot be considered to be conducive to or characterized by "love", which means it does not meet the definition of "romantic" and therefore cannot be considered as such. IMHO.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> ROMANTIC: conducive to or characterized by the expression of love.
> 
> What is love? It is something different to everyone. A universally accepted concept that cannot be specifically defined or its exact parameters identified. And yet we all use the word as if we all know what it means. To me, personally, it is a vague concept concocted to try and describe a wide ranging gamut of emotional and psychological experiences. I find it inaccurate, misused, overused and convoluted. Ideally, it should represent something that is pure and incorruptible but that is far and away not how it is used.
> 
> "Love" cannot exist in the absence of empathy, accountability, selflessness, patience, dedication and truth. Absent any one of these, "love" becomes a twisted, incomplete description of something unrelated. So, therefore, since an affair is the antithesis of "love" it cannot be considered to be conducive to or characterized by "love", which means it does not meet the definition of "romantic" and therefore cannot be considered as such. IMHO.


Seriously man, you do your avatar proud!

No wait - that's a human emotion....


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I found my STBXH's texts to the OW shortly after DDay in February. He had spent six days total with her, and they were texting about wedding songs, venues, and rings, and ending every text with "Love you." I asked him how he could love someone with whom he's only spent six days. He said, "I don't know if I love her or not. That's just something you say."

That's probably the only honest thing he's ever said to me.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Untill I am proven otherwise, Romance, love and attraction are nothing more than mother nature tricking us to reproduce.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Here's what I think is romantic: Living with someone day in and day out, and caring about and respecting them above all others despite their flaws - even somewhat because of them. Wanting to be intimate with them constantly as an expression of this deep connection. Including them in all your plans. Sharing them joyfully with your friends. Considering them your family. Embracing their extended family because it's where they came from. Supporting them emotionally when they succeed and and when they fail. Standing by them in loss and grief, and sharing your grief fully with them when it comes for you. Being devoted to them like a German shepherd who would lay down his life for them if he had to.

Anything else is meaningless.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> Here's what I think is romantic: Living with someone day in and day out, and caring about and respecting them above all others despite their flaws - even somewhat because of them. Wanting to be intimate with them constantly as an expression of this deep connection. Including them in all your plans. Sharing them joyfully with your friends. Considering them your family. Embracing their extended family because it's where they came from. Supporting them emotionally when they succeed and and when they fail. Standing by them in loss and grief, and sharing your grief fully with them when it comes for you. Being devoted to them like a German shepherd who would lay down his life for them if he had to.
> 
> Anything else is meaningless.


And what you consider romantic, some others would consider drudgery...even slavery. Hence the existence of A$hley Madi$on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Some people might mistake empathy or fellowfeel for love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

IIJokerII said:


> Untill I am proven otherwise, Romance, love and attraction are nothing more than mother nature tricking us to reproduce.


This is definitely a theory with both logic and science to back it up. But, a lot of women enter into new relationships when they are long beyond their reproductive years. So, while it might explain why some older men enter into relationships with younger women, it doesn't explain why older women, older widows and widowers, or older divorced people find romance and fall in love. I've seen quite a few genuinely loving relationships blossom into full blown romance and marriage amongst the elderly widows and widowers at our church.

While the biological urge to procreate undoubtedly plays a strong role in attraction, it doesn't explain love and romance.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think people have affairs because they want something their partner isn't providing. (that "something" may or may not be a reasonable desire). 

Attention? Specific sex acts, or any sex at all? Lifestyle? Excitement? Respect? Variety? Romance.

Some of these are impossible for a long term partner to provide and anyone in a committed relationship should be willing to forgo the things that their partner cannot possibly do.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I think people have affairs because they want something their partner isn't providing. (that "something" may or may not be a *reasonable* desire).
> 
> Attention? Specific sex acts, or any sex at all? Lifestyle? Excitement? Respect? *Variety*? Romance.
> ...


That "reasonable" word is key I think. My ex thought I was "boring" because we wouldn't go on expensive exotic vacations that she saw other people showing off on Facebook. She was being unreasonable in her expectations. Was I really "boring" because I thought we shouldn't drop several thousand dollars on a credit card when we were already living paycheck to paycheck? We would take the family on weekend vacations periodically instead, and spend a few hundred dollars I had saved versus several thousand. But no, I was "boring" because I actually think about the consequences of my actions.

The irony is that now that I'm divorced and don't have her blowing money on stuff, I can afford those nice vacations! Ironic, no?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"The irony is that now that I'm divorced and don't have her blowing money on stuff, I can afford those nice vacations! Ironic, no?"

lol....and I hope you are taking some....and posting the pics of your happy times on social media for all to see.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Aren't they?


As are suicide pacts, but I would not recommend either.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I agree that "reasonable' is key. I may *want* a Ferrari, but that doesn't give me the right to steal one - even if I want it a whole lot.

OTOH some people due turn to affairs because their reasonable wants are not being met. It all depends on the specific situation.




TheGoodGuy said:


> That "reasonable" word is key I think. My ex thought I was "boring" because we wouldn't go on expensive exotic vacations that she saw other people showing off on Facebook. She was being unreasonable in her expectations. Was I really "boring" because I thought we shouldn't drop several thousand dollars on a credit card when we were already living paycheck to paycheck? We would take the family on weekend vacations periodically instead, and spend a few hundred dollars I had saved versus several thousand. But no, I was "boring" because I actually think about the consequences of my actions.
> 
> The irony is that now that I'm divorced and don't have her blowing money on stuff, I can afford those nice vacations! Ironic, no?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

IIJokerII said:


> Untill I am proven otherwise, Romance, love and attraction are nothing more than mother nature tricking us to reproduce.


Joker,
Of the three conditions you denote the only one that is natural is attraction. Love and romance are uniquely human adaptations, most likely in response to the natural instincts as a way to improve on nature. Animals do not wine and dine their mates and lavish them with gifts and adoration. The male baboon does not convey to the female how fetching she looks before coitus nor does the female baboon become hurt at the absence of those compliments. All of the affectations that are attached to the human act of intercourse are strictly to appease the human psyche.

We have placed an artificial set of requirements to our joinings, especially marriage. As it is with most things, the more involved, elaborate and intricate we make something the higher the probability that something will go awry. So as each generation adds its layer of complexity to an already overburdened ritual, the odds of completing the course grows ever more difficult. Both individuals involved expect way more than is plausible and whenever expectations are not met discontentment and unhappiness are bred. This gives rise to a desire to have those unrealistic, human initiated desires fulfilled and so begins the downward spiral.

This has very little to do with the basic act of procreation and therefore is not tied to nature in any way save that we are creatures in nature. These rituals are all our own and the tragedy they bring as well. Nature is not tricking us but rather we are tricking ourselves, creating variables and unreachable expectations in our pursuit of "love". This is not natural, this is uniquely human in origin and humans must pay the price for their arrogance until they learn that the more difficult and complex a situation is the higher the probability of failure.

K.I.S.S.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

nursejackie said:


> "Of course you feel romantic towards her- you haven't had to live the hard part of life with her! No bills to pay, no teenagers to raise, no house to clean or grandparents to look after- its all fake,fake fake!!!! How can you not see that? Mom and you are real- you've been through all the hard parts- thats life- thats the kind of love that lasts-thats real!!!!!"


My friend, you hit the nail's head!

People become disenchanted with their significant others because they associate the struggles and hard times with him/her. "He doesn't care that I'm tired." "She doesn't understand how hard I work." Flaws are amplified. Blame-shifting begins. Then, instead of turning to each other to rekindle what they had (assuming the spark was ever there), they betray the marriage to satisfy whatever crap need they believe is paramount at the moment.

My marriage, like many, had its ups and downs; but there was never a situation that made be remotely consider stepping outside of the marriage. She, on the other hand, believed she missed out on 'something' during our marriage and decided to pursue what 'was lost'. Oddly enough, I think she initially believed it was more of a sabbatical than a marriage killer. When given the choice of coming back to the marriage or continuing on the journey to recapture her youth, she chose the latter.

Not much you can do when they want to run.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Is she still with her AP, unblinded? My STBX is still with his, though I use the word "with" loosely. Like nursejackie said, he's yet to do any real work in his "relationship." It's long distance, which must be super convenient for him - he can get his ego stroked over the phone every day, but not have to do the work of living with someone. He last saw her two months ago, and had gone five months without seeing her before then. He says he's "serious" about her, yet says he has no plans for when exactly he'll see her again. I think he likes it that way, because spending any time with her makes it real. I can see where it's romantic for him, because he gets to have everything on his terms in the land of rainbows and unicorns.

She must be desperate, desperate, desperate to put up with his crap. If that's romance, I'd rather spend the rest of my days alone.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Is she still with her AP, unblinded? My STBX is still with his, though I use the word "with" loosely. Like nursejackie said, he's yet to do any real work in his "relationship." It's long distance, which must be super convenient for him - he can get his ego stroked over the phone every day, but not have to do the work of living with someone. He last saw her two months ago, and had gone five months without seeing her before then. He says he's "serious" about her, yet says he has no plans for when exactly he'll see her again. I think he likes it that way, because spending any time with her makes it real. I can see where it's romantic for him, because he gets to have everything on his terms in the land of rainbows and unicorns.
> 
> She must be desperate, desperate, desperate to put up with his crap. If that's romance, I'd rather spend the rest of my days alone.


I don't think she is. Again, I believe it was an opportunity within a temporary situation. He was an escape from the 'struggle' of maintaining a relationship with me. Given that I am no longer the root cause of her unhappiness, and that she now treats me like a human being, I suspect they are done. 

It doesn't matter in the end. That temporary fun cost our marriage. The one issue I will never understand in situations like this is how one spouse can seemingly flush a relationship as if it meant nothing to them. I doubt that pain will ever go away.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

unblinded said:


> It doesn't matter in the end. That temporary fun cost our marriage. The one issue I will never understand in situations like this is how one spouse can seemingly flush a relationship as if it meant nothing to them. I doubt that pain will ever go away.


That's been the hardest part for me to deal with - how easily they can leave.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Yup. Ditto.


badaboom said:


> unblinded said:
> 
> 
> > It doesn't matter in the end. That temporary fun cost our marriage. The one issue I will never understand in situations like this is how one spouse can seemingly flush a relationship as if it meant nothing to them. I doubt that pain will ever go away.
> ...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Affairs can begin for any number or variety of reasons, each affair shares some common ground, sex and betrayed spouse full of pain. Each marriage is unique as to why infidelity enters the marriage. Each person is unique and no two people are the same. There may be some common ground on why affairs happen. My situation is infidelity entered my marriage, my WW accepted the advances of the OM, now my WW is remorseful and regretful. 

Would my WW say it was romantic? No, I think she would realize she made a horrible choice, that she should have communicated with me, and she very nearly threw everything away she ever cherished, adored, and loved. Of course this is after the affair ended, when her mind was capable of making a good decision. 

I will tell you this, I planned a romantic evening for my wife and I. We went to a large city, dined in a five star hotel, walked along the lakefront, I gave her a single red rose. I gently kissed her lips, we took a carriage ride, I gently kissed her neck, I had reservations at a five star hotel. I had her favorite drink on hand, her favorite snacks, I had rose petals on the floor leading to the tub. I had rose petals in the bath, candles lit, massage oils heated perfectly, a massage table with candles all around. I gave her a massage for an hour, made her bath, made her favorite drink. I spoiled her all night and the following morning at breakfast.

OM? What did OM do? He took her to a forest preserve!! In a minivan!!! How stupid am I?? I give up, sometimes a thread triggers me and I can't stop myself from typing. Son of a b---h this just really stings sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

My STBX never once did anything remotely like that for me. Not even when he proposed. He did take me to a nice restaurant that night. Little did I know that would be about the last time he'd ever do that.

When we traveled together on vacation, we stayed in hostels and B&Bs where everyone on a floor shared the same bathroom to save money, even though we both made a lot of it. Five star hotel! I don't think we've ever stayed in a 3 star one. Which is not to say I have expensive taste and expected to be wined and dined. Just treated like I mattered once in a while.

And yet, he cheated and he left me. After criticizing friends and family members of both of ours for years for being overweight and out of shape, he left me for a woman who is obese, and who he met at a funeral.

Yes, how easily they can lie and cheat and leave you for someone you wouldn't want to shine your shoes is infuriating.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

3putt said:


>


Thanks 3putt, This cracked me up.. I really needed a laugh..


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

unblinded said:


> I don't think she is. Again, I believe it was an opportunity within a temporary situation. He was an escape from the 'struggle' of maintaining a relationship with me. Given that I am no longer the root cause of her unhappiness, and that she now treats me like a human being, I suspect they are done.
> 
> It doesn't matter in the end. That temporary fun cost our marriage. *The one issue I will never understand in situations like this is how one spouse can seemingly flush a relationship as if it meant nothing to them. I doubt that pain will ever go away*.


Because the relationship was not as important to her as it was to you. She married you because you served a specific purpose for her during a specific time in her life. Once you were no longer useful to her she dumped you for another who offered her something she wanted at that specific time in her life. 

Some people are just like this. I don't know if you can call them sociopaths. I call such people pathologically selfish.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> My STBX never once did anything remotely like that for me. Not even when he proposed. He did take me to a nice restaurant that night. Little did I know that would be about the last time he'd ever do that.
> 
> When we traveled together on vacation, we stayed in hostels and B&Bs where everyone on a floor shared the same bathroom to save money, even though we both made a lot of it. Five star hotel! I don't think we've ever stayed in a 3 star one. Which is not to say I have expensive taste and expected to be wined and dined. Just treated like I mattered once in a while.
> 
> ...


The more you tell us about your STBX, NMB, the more I have to shake my head.

He left you for an obese AP that he met at a funeral and had only seen face-to-face for a few days. He's so cheap that you two had to share a communal bathroom in hotels; he stole your clothes and boots to 'give' to his OW as gifts (?).

What a prize!

(I hope you stay on here for a while so we can see the evolution of your feelings about him.)


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Oh, I'm here for the duration, aD. Yes, the more I write about him - and it's all sad but true - the more I shake my head, too. 

What kind of fool was I to put up with his nonsense for all these years? I must have had a pretty low view of myself to think I deserved to be treated like a second-class citizen for so long. His own sister tells me I'll be better off without him, and tells him he's making the biggest mistake of his life.

Now that I've told other longtime friends about what he's done, I've found they all have a story: "Well, I remember that time he said X or did Y to you..." All stuff they've witnessed, not that I've told them about. Some I'd forgotten, or pushed way, way down to avoid seeing it for what it really was.

I think my feelings are evolving pretty quickly to wondering why I wasted so much time hanging on to a narcissist.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> So...is it the danger and naughtiness that make it romantic to waywards?


I think catching their STD's is just a bonding moment. It's also hilarious, who doesn't like a good belly laugh together?!


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Because the relationship was not as important to her as it was to you.


This is probably what I struggle with the most, but for two reasons. One is that her actions just plain suck. The second reason is one I have a harder time reconciling. In my mind, this all happened overnight. In reality, however, there _must have been_ clues and indications that she was capable of such behavior...I was just too blind to see them.

Then there were other factors I'm sure played into her 'break'. This was the first time she would have been away from the kids for an extended period of time, and she was having a hard time dealing with it (lots of crying in the days before she left). Additionally, one of her siblings unexpectedly passed away just before she left, and she did a pretty crappy job of grieving/dealing with that loss (i.e., she bottled it up and would not discuss it). None of that excuses her decision to cheat on me; but the various moving parts of this scenario make it a messy bag of dumpster soup.

Even though I know it has to end, I will miss her terribly.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Unblinded,
For those of us who consider our actions carefully and make a vow, knowing the full ramifications of our decision and with full intent to keep said vow, it is beyond our ability to comprehend how one can just toss it aside like so much dirty laundry. Where is the forethought, the contemplation, the rationale? Seemingly there is none, only reckless abandon. How can we not miss terribly that which we thought we would have forever? Their actions are beyond my ability to comprehend, much less understand.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

EI said:


> You guys are bored tonight, aren't you?  What, no 4th of July weekend plans?
> 
> It's not the guy in the puffy shirt, it's not the guy in the leather jacket, and don't tell any of the musicians around here, but it's not the lead singer, the drummer, or the bass player, either. It's not even _really_ about the adrenaline rush.


Exactly. It's the guitar player.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Healer said:


> Exactly. It's the guitar player.


Hey Healer, long time no aggravate!  LOL


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

EI said:


> Hey Healer, long time no aggravate!  LOL


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

unblinded said:


> The one issue I will never understand in situations like this is how one spouse can seemingly flush a relationship as if it meant nothing to them. I doubt that pain will ever go away.


I don't get it either. It's a really cruel way to treat someone who, even if you don't love them now because you checked out, you at least once loved enough to marry. Though I question whether she ever loved me wholeheartedly to begin with. 

In hindsight, I don't think so...... She just wanted a security blanket.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

My W went thru "evolutions" with her APs. The first one would "pop" over for lunch everyday in my house, and expect my W to make some food after a quickee. Later his idea of a romantic getaway was driving her to the local cemetery for some car sex.

With the last AP she demanded and received 5 star service. Top shelf restaurants, 5 star hotels, and an all expenses paid week long trip to NYC!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> My W went thru "evolutions" with her APs. The first one would "pop" over for lunch everyday in my house, and expect my W to make some food after a quickee. Later his idea of a romantic getaway was driving her to the local cemetery for some car sex.
> 
> With the last AP she demanded and received 5 star service. Top shelf restaurants, 5 star hotels, and an all expenses paid week long trip to NYC!


So essentially she was prostituting herself to a sugar daddy. 

Nice.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

_People confuse ego, lust, insecurity with true love_...*Simon Cowell*

I'll add, in the case of affairs... it can be done in World Record Speed.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thanks 3putt, This cracked me up.. I really needed a laugh..


But I don't WANNA be a pirate!


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Here is a true story of how an affair started.
> 
> A wife was sick of her husband being a typical squaddie. He was a sergeant in the British army and treated his wife like the soldiers under him.
> 
> ...


Sorry to hear that.. I know it sucks and hurts..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> Sorry to hear that.. I know it sucks and hurts..


The woman concerned is a woman my wife and i know. We met her after she separated from her husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> So essentially she was prostituting herself to a sugar daddy.
> 
> Nice.


Yep, pretty much. I guess I am her sugar Daddy now.:smthumbup:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> Yep, pretty much. I guess I am her sugar Daddy now.:smthumbup:


Lucky you.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

EI said:


> This is definitely a theory with both logic and science to back it up. But, a lot of women enter into new relationships when they are long beyond their reproductive years. So, while it might explain why some older men enter into relationships with younger women, it doesn't explain why older women, older widows and widowers, or older divorced people find romance and fall in love. I've seen quite a few genuinely loving relationships blossom into full blown romance and marriage amongst the elderly widows and widowers at our church.
> 
> While the biological urge to procreate undoubtedly plays a strong role in attraction, it doesn't explain love and romance.


That could be as simple as there not being an off switch for that part of the reproductive system. 

Or another way of looking at it:

Menopause is a good survival benefit. It makes sure that women are able to live long enough to raise the children they produce. What's even better is to keep a man around to help. If she stops boinking him, he'll find another, younger and more fertile replacement. Now if she keeps on boinking him, he'll stick around.


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