# Wife wants both worlds



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

My wife has been in control of our break up because she initiated it and I don't want to break up so I have no choice to make. Where as she needs to decide to work it out or continue and proceed with the separation. So my issue is her going back and fourth is beginning to become old. I don't want to loose my love for her but think all this yes/no is going to where me done and I may begin to resent her. I ask her to just tell me what her heart is telling her what it wants but she doesn't give me a 100% answer. When she is angry she says she wants to be on her own but when things are good she wants to try. Lately I've become a little less hurt and more able to think with my mind and less with my heart at which point she will back down and reel me in with the hopes of us reconciling .

Any Idea what, why or how a person could say they want to separate but possibly really not want to ? what is this all about ?


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You can't have it both ways either. 

Either you have your self respect and you take care of your own needs, or you serve her needs unconditionally. I know myths of true love like to tell us that we should devote ourselves to our lover, but when we do so at the exclusion of our own well being we murder the unique parts of ourselves. 

You are not new around here so I know you have heard of the 180 but it strikes me that you have not done a 180 at all which is the very thing that will give you the power in your relationship you have lost. 

The paradox is that you must love yourself enough to be prepared to walk away from a toxic life. You have to be willing to destroy your feelings to have any hope of sharing them again either with your wife or someone else.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You can't control what she does, decides, or how soon her mind will be made up. 

You can, however, control yourself. 

So YOU decide if you've had enough of her waffling and move on. If she's behaving like the Rum Tum Tugger and can't decide whether she wants in or out of the house, you close and lock the cat door.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

I believe we have 3 control systems, our brain which controls us, our heart which controls our soul and the lil guy/girl controls our sex life. Right now my heart is in control and my brain is pissed off. My brain wants to move out and show my wife what she is about to lose but my heart loves her and wants to be around her because it know my brain fkd up and being home gives it a 50/50 shot of making up where as being gone gives me a 100% shot of not and my lil guy is on my hearts side because he's getting some action.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hi, my solution is to take away your support as a partner. She can remain iffy because you also allow it.

Anyways, choosing to move on is less torture for you, and the sooner you can heal. It will also allow you to detach to see if you even want her in your life, if she is going to be a negative or positive.

Either way, you both will need to change the way the relationship is handled.

Also a good reason on why not to make decisions on high levels of emotions, they can swing wildly, and your wife is a good exaple of that.

If she wants life without you, you should let her go. Someone has to be strong enough to make a decision, and you are finding out that the longer this drags on, the less likely you will want to remain married.

Either way, it will force her hand. You will then find out if she really wants to be with you when she asks for another chance, or if she is gone, you will then greive, then heal. Then one day you will realize, it was for the best, grow, then be a great partner for someone else.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You told her to take as long as she needs. Now, you're the kid in the back seat on a long car trip going "Are we there, yet? Are we there, yet?". Your wife is the parent saying "No, we're not there yet. I'll tell you when we're there. Now, be quiet and sit down". Patience is your friend.

One thing to consider is that you mentioned you like this new marriage where you two are out all of the time & having great sex. What if she is worried that all of that will go away once she commits and it will be back to business as usual?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

why are you allowing her to hold on to the power of whether she wants this marriage or not....take that power away from her....perhaps in doing so she will fight for one or the other or she will not and you still have your answer.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I think the best idea would be to do the 180 and work on yourself, stand up for yourself and be your own man and in control of your own life. 

You're coming from a place of fear right now and that, much more than your wife is keeping you under control or in limbo during this break-up/separation. You can only be in control of yourself - not your wife unless you are giving her that kind of power over you. 

Acting like an option to your wife, might get her back but it will not earn you her respect. Further it likely will keep her looking towards the door when she feels discontent - especially if she thinks she can always come back in. To that effect, I think you're not doing yourself any favors. 

If your plan of waiting her out, being a doormat or jumping through her hoops does get her back, then what does that win you really? Another year, ten, maybe fifty years of having the threat of her walking out again over your head because you and she both know you're not going anywhere if she feels indecisive about you again? Basically how you feel right now, what's going on right now will be the culture of your marriage. Do you like it? I don't think you do but it is what you're signing up for by choosing to let her flighty feelings steer your ship instead of steering it yourself.

Doing a 180 is scary in the beginning but you need to let go of the fear of losing your wife and rejoice in the prize of reclaiming yourself. Coming from a place of power and strength is always more attractive. It may not help you get your wife back but often it does make you more attractive to your spouse. If that does happen, you can both be on more equal footing. Power imbalances like the one you have now is not healthy. If it does not happen, you will be mentally and emotionally stronger to deal with it. Either scenario to my mind, is better than what you have now.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It's all about BOUNDARIES.. you do not have to accept her waffling.. show her you will move on if this is her way of being.. this will either light a fire under her that she knows this is FINAL.. and she will loose you... or she will move on. .. it will push her to the realization you aren't her Play thing anymore..


Here is the 180 /a thread I found on google with the list spelled out (keep in mind some of this is referring to infidelity ) >>



> Plan A vs. 180 Plan - Marriage Builders® Forums
> 
> 180
> 
> ...


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

It's funny how much my ex wife wanted to separate and have me be out of the picture.

Until I stopped paying the bills, lawyered up a separation agreement, and started seeing someone else.

Then, all of a sudden, after six months of her play time, she suddenly wanted to "talk."


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

marduk said:


> It's funny how much my ex wife wanted to separate and have me be out of the picture.
> 
> Until I stopped paying the bills, lawyered up a separation agreement, and started seeing someone else.
> 
> Then, all of a sudden, after six months of her play time, she suddenly wanted to "talk."


Like a Disney romance for sure.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lost soul said:


> I believe we have 3 control systems, our brain which controls us, our heart which controls our soul and the lil guy/girl controls our sex life. Right now my heart is in control and my brain is pissed off. My brain wants to move out and show my wife what she is about to lose but my heart loves her and wants to be around her because it know my brain fkd up and being home gives it a 50/50 shot of making up where as being gone gives me a 100% shot of not and my lil guy is on my hearts side because he's getting some action.


 When you confirmed in another thread that she has another man, I told you that "She wants to explore the new relationship while keeping you as a plan B option in case it does not work out long term". This is still the case. The longer that you sit back a let the affair continue, the more that she will lose respect for you until she loses all respect for you. She cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect. You are thus wrong when you say that there is a "50/50 shot" of it working out if you stay and do nothing, as your odds get worse with every day that passes.

You must be willing to end the marriage in order to have a better chance at saving it. The sooner that you make her decide, the better the odds. It may already be too late, so she may call your bluff and pick to end your marriage, but waiting for her to decide only lowers your odds.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

ScrambledEggs said:


> You can't have it both ways either.
> 
> Either you have your self respect and you take care of your own needs, or you serve her needs unconditionally. I know myths of true love like to tell us that we should devote ourselves to our lover, but when we do so at the exclusion of our own well being we murder the unique parts of ourselves.
> 
> ...


I was not strong enough but slowly I'm aging strength which also scares me that what if I decide I don't want to be with her


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Hi, my solution is to take away your support as a partner. She can remain iffy because you also allow it.
> 
> Anyways, choosing to move on is less torture for you, and the sooner you can heal. It will also allow you to detach to see if you even want her in your life, if she is going to be a negative or positive.
> 
> ...


She is more than a partner she's my family losing her is losing my family, , , as it is now.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Blondilocks said:


> You told her to take as long as she needs. Now, you're the kid in the back seat on a long car trip going "Are we there, yet? Are we there, yet?". Your wife is the parent saying "No, we're not there yet. I'll tell you when we're there. Now, be quiet and sit down". Patience is your friend.
> 
> One thing to consider is that you mentioned you like this new marriage where you two are out all of the time & having great sex. What if she is worried that all of that will go away once she commits and it will be back to business as usual?


Yes she is worried about the and I understand her fears. I tell we both need to work together on making this work. If I start doing something that concerns her she needs to communicate with me and not hold it in. I do like this new romance and want it to become the norm but I do expect arguments and disagreements that we will need to be able to work through. Communication is not her strength and needs to learn how to.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lost soul said:


> She is more than a partner she's my family losing her is losing my family, , , as it is now.


 You have already lost that. You are hanging on to a dream of who she use to be. She is not that person anymore. You must deal in the the here and now, and stop making decisions based on wishful thinking of the past. Look at her today as she is now, and processed based on that reality.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Miss Taken said:


> I think the best idea would be to do the 180 and work on yourself, stand up for yourself and be your own man and in control of your own life.
> 
> You're coming from a place of fear right now and that, much more than your wife is keeping you under control or in limbo during this break-up/separation. You can only be in control of yourself - not your wife unless you are giving her that kind of power over you.
> 
> ...


 And in being the option I fear I will grow to feel bitter. If we do work it out I think I will began breaking down what happened and how she is treating me, , , , that will come back to haunt her


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It's all about BOUNDARIES.. you do not have to accept her waffling.. show her you will move on if this is her way of being.. this will either light a fire under her that she knows this is FINAL.. and she will loose you... or she will move on. .. it will push her to the realization you aren't her Play thing anymore..
> 
> 
> Here is the 180 /a thread I found on google with the list spelled out (keep in mind some of this is referring to infidelity ) >>


Thank You 

I txted it to my self and will try to read it dailey


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

marduk said:


> It's funny how much my ex wife wanted to separate and have me be out of the picture.
> 
> Until I stopped paying the bills, lawyered up a separation agreement, and started seeing someone else.
> 
> Then, all of a sudden, after six months of her play time, she suddenly wanted to "talk."


 Wow that's not funny, , , No not at all. . . . . LOL

Did you get back with her ?

I told my wife I only needed to know 2 things
1. Are you messing around ? , , , if so no need for the 2nd question
2. Do you want to try and work this out ?

We both came to an agreement that the day we go on a date with another is the day it's completely over.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

TRy said:


> When you confirmed in another thread that she has another man, I told you that "She wants to explore the new relationship while keeping you as a plan B option in case it does not work out long term". This is still the case. The longer that you sit back a let the affair continue, the more that she will lose respect for you until she loses all respect for you. She cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect. You are thus wrong when you say that there is a "50/50 shot" of it working out if you stay and do nothing, as your odds get worse with every day that passes.
> 
> You must be willing to end the marriage in order to have a better chance at saving it. The sooner that you make her decide, the better the odds. It may already be too late, so she may call your bluff and pick to end your marriage, but waiting for her to decide only lowers your odds.


 What are you talking about me confirming that she has another man, , , your tripping fool ! ! !


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

TRy said:


> You have already lost that. You are hanging on to a dream of who she use to be. She is not that person anymore. You must deal in the the here and now, and stop making decisions based on wishful thinking of the past. Look at her today as she is now, and processed based on that reality.


Dammit your a bitter ***er huh, , , you wife must have really screwed you over. I'm really sorry your so bitter at the world but try and find some happiness before you leave this place.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

thank you for all the positive advice from you good people, , , I really do appreciate it THX


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Much of the bitterness you may feel if/when that happens will also be a reflection at the anger you have at yourself for prostrating yourself to your wife and allowing her to determine what/if any respect you deserve as a husband and life mate. That is why you need to decide soon if that's something you want for yourself or not?

You can't convince your wife that you are worth being with. All you can do is know that you are deserving of love and respect just as any of us are. If your wife doesn't see that - and from the sounds of it, she doesn't see that right now, then it's not your job to try to prove it to her. (Although there are steps that you can take that may remind her of what she'd be missing out on, that should not be the goal here even if that is a desirable outcome to you.) The goal here should be convincing yourself and knowing it to be true that with or without your wife: You will be fine. With or without your wife, you deserve nothing less than respect and love in a relationship. 

All of the self-doubt you have is not helping you. The unknown is scary but is almost never as scary as the here and now that you cannot run from. I know it's difficult because I have been there before. Although I was eight months pregnant with our second child (I am an orphan and don't have extended family nearby) when it was my turn to do the 180 and walk away. I survived it and came out the other side better and stronger for it, knowing my worth and having more respect for myself because of it. You can too. 

And P.S. Like the other poster before me, he did come back... funnily enough I did not actually want him when he did. That took a LOT of convincing and humble pie and sh!t testing to prove why he was even worth a second chance because I already knew by then that I was okay.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lost soul said:


> Wow that's not funny, , , No not at all. . . . . LOL
> 
> Did you get back with her ?


Absolutely not.

I discovered an interesting thing about myself: when I'm done, I'm _done._


> I told my wife I only needed to know 2 things
> 1. Are you messing around ? , , , if so no need for the 2nd question
> 2. Do you want to try and work this out ?
> 
> We both came to an agreement that the day we go on a date with another is the day it's completely over.


OK, that's kind of ambiguous. Because it isn't a "no." It's a "maybe, but I'll let you know if I do."

Likely now you'll get into all kinds of machinations about what a 'date' is. Is coffee with a guy a date? Is hanging out at school a date? Etc, etc...

So you're stuck in the first mover problem. In other words, if you date someone else first, you're a ****, and if she does, you're devastated.

Don't play this game. I recommend you define the rules.

What did she say to #2?


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lost soul said:


> What are you talking about me confirming that she has another man, , , your tripping fool ! ! !


 In a thread that you started titled "Quick Advice Needed" you stated in post #5, on 5/23/2015, that "I assume most people are not going to take this step unless some one or thing is encouraging them. It turned out that there was a "Male Friend" speaking to her but supposedly nothing is going on." Thus "you confirmed in another thread that she has another man". I never said that you confirmed that they had sex, because how far it has gone or not yet gone with him does not change the fact that she now has another man as an option. I told you then that "She wants to explore the new relationship while keeping you as a plan B option in case it does not work out long term", and that is exactly what she appears to be doing. I have also posted it below. 


lost soul said:


> I assume most people are not going to take this step unless some one or thing is encouraging them. It turned out that there was a "Male Friend" speaking to her but supposedly nothing is going on.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

marduk said:


> Absolutely not.
> 
> I discovered an interesting thing about myself: when I'm done, I'm _done._
> 
> ...


yes we are trying to work it out. We've gone out of town for the weekend, gone to movies and cuddled, and out on dinner dates. We've made good progress but have had bad days also


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lost soul said:


> Dammit your a bitter ***er huh, , , you wife must have really screwed you over. I'm really sorry your so bitter at the world but try and find some happiness before you leave this place.


 I first came to this site because I wanted to make my marriage better, not because of any specif issue with my wife or because I was angry. I believe that it is best to work and maintain things before they break, and this site has taught me many good things, such as it got me to read "His Needs, Her Needs" and other such things to help make a marriage better. 

As for my comment that got you so angry, where I said in part that "You are hanging on to a dream of who she use to be. She is not that person anymore. You must deal in the the here and now, and stop making decisions based on wishful thinking of the past. Look at her today as she is now, and processed based on that reality." do you really think, as she decides to stay in the marriage or not, that she is same person that so happily married you back then?


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

TRy said:


> In a thread that you started titled "Quick Advice Needed" you stated in post #5, on 5/23/2015, that "I assume most people are not going to take this step unless some one or thing is encouraging them. It turned out that there was a "Male Friend" speaking to her but supposedly nothing is going on." Thus "you confirmed in another thread that she has another man". I never said that you confirmed that they had sex, because how far it has gone or not yet gone with him does not change the fact that she now has another man as an option. I told you then that "She wants to explore the new relationship while keeping you as a plan B option in case it does not work out long term", and that is exactly what she appears to be doing. I have also posted it below.


shut up already all you are doing is "side busting" that means trying to say something with out saying it. She works where there are it is coed and has a equal amount of male friends as female friends she is very attractive and I'm sure most of the males would love to bang her including you if you where to see her plus she makes over a $100k so yeah she is a catch that most punks can only dream of having a wife like her. 

How do you get 2000 posts , , , do me a favor and stay away from me with your perverted feedback


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

lost soul said:


> shut up already all you are doing is "side busting" that means trying to say something with out saying it. She works where there are it is coed and has a equal amount of male friends as female friends she is very attractive and I'm sure most of the males would love to bang her including you if you where to see her plus she makes over a $100k so yeah she is a catch that most punks can only dream of having a wife like her.
> 
> How do you get 2000 posts , , , do me a favor and stay away from me with your perverted feedback


Why are you being so hostile?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I know you feel like you are on pins and needles with the situation but please have patience (with the situation, your wife and other posters). This situation didn't manifest overnight and it won't be fixed overnight. 

Possibly view it as building your new marriage. You didn't go from just meeting her to the alter in a couple of months, did you?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lost soul said:


> yes we are trying to work it out. We've gone out of town for the weekend, gone to movies and cuddled, and out on dinner dates. We've made good progress but have had bad days also


This isn't computing for me man.

She calls a "time out" on your marriage.

For reasons unknown to you.

Says that if one of you starts dating other people, it's over.

And goes back to dating you?


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

marduk said:


> lost soul said:
> 
> 
> > yes we are trying to work it out. We've gone out of town for the weekend, gone to movies and cuddled, and out on dinner dates. We've made good progress but have had bad days also
> ...


Us dating is ok but for us to start a romance is not ok.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Miss Taken said:


> lost soul said:
> 
> 
> > shut up already all you are doing is "side busting" that means trying to say something with out saying it. She works where there are it is coed and has a equal amount of male friends as female friends she is very attractive and I'm sure most of the males would love to bang her including you if you where to see her plus she makes over a $100k so yeah she is a catch that most punks can only dream of having a wife like her.
> ...


I'm sorry for show my bad side. He had committed on another topic I start and I guess after reading what I posted he came to the conclusion she is having an affair. I thought okay well thank you for your input after all that's why I posted seeking advice and opinions but he posted again then again on this topic. To me it was a little much and him saying that I said my wife had another man was way to much. So again I apologize for showing my street self I'm just an average guy not real educated but have good common sense. I don't mean to offend or disrespect any one.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You're married, separated by her choice, dating but without romance.

I don't think people from earth are qualified to help you here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

ConanHub said:


> You're married, separated by her choice, dating but without romance.
> 
> I don't think people from earth are qualified to help you here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


actually the romance is great, it's better than its been in years. It feels like it did when we first meet. I wish reality of bills never had to come into play but money is the root of all evil I guess. She is worried that I'm being romantic just to get her back and I tell her I realize the mistake i made of taking her for granted and want to become a better man for her.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lost soul said:


> Us dating is ok but for us to start a romance is not ok.


Like I said, I don't think we're speaking the same language.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

ConanHub said:


> Like I said, I don't think we're speaking the same language.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


oh LOL I'm picking up what your putting down.

I meant for us it's not ok to date others in a romantic way but for her and I to have a date night to try and rekindle the flame is awesome :grin2:


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lost soul said:


> I'm sorry for show my bad side. He had committed on another topic I start and I guess after reading what I posted he came to the conclusion she is having an affair. I thought okay well thank you for your input after all that's why I posted seeking advice and opinions but he posted again then again on this topic. To me it was a little much and him saying that I said my wife had another man was way to much. So again I apologize for showing my street self I'm just an average guy not real educated but have good common sense. I don't mean to offend or disrespect any one.


 You called me a “fool”, told me to “shut up”, and said that I was giving “perverted feedback”, so please do not to try now claim that you “don't mean to offend or disrespect any one” as that is just disingenuous, as is the apology. That being said, you are in a bad situation trying to deal with something not of your doing. Be well. I wish you luck.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lost soul said:


> Us dating is ok but for us to start a romance is not ok.


I'm confused.

What's the difference? How is dating not romance?


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

I must of had to much emotion going on when typing that I meant for us it's not ok to date others in a romantic way but for her and I to have a date night to try and rekindle the flame would awesome.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

So this 180 thing sounds like a good plan but ladies really ? ? ? I'm trying to change my old ways of taking her for granted and being selfish. I been spoiling her with attention, sending her flowers, buying her jewelry, cooking her favorite food, help no wait doing the house work I been doing dishes, laundry, making the bed, scrubbing the floors, , , I even built her a shoe and purse rack ! ! ! and what every one is telling me I gotta do the 180 which is basically going back to the old me . . . WOW :rofl:


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

lost soul said:


> So this 180 thing sounds like a good plan but ladies really ? ? ? I'm trying to change my old ways of taking her for granted and being selfish. I been spoiling her with attention, sending her flowers, buying her jewelry, cooking her favorite food, help no wait doing the house work I been doing dishes, laundry, making the bed, scrubbing the floors, , , I even built her a shoe and purse rack ! ! ! and what every one is telling me I gotta do the 180 which is basically going back to the old me . . . WOW :rofl:


 Honestly friend I think your going to lose this war. Boils down to this. Is she is or is she isn't. What I see is a rope she has connected to you and when she tugs, your there. If that the case then do yourself a favor and cut the line. 

That's no way to live when she has it both ways and you hanging around in the back round just in case she can't make her mind up.

If it's me I cut the line and tell her that time is up and her time has run out. Then her options are null and void and both of you are now playing on a level playing field.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Your right, I love her and she's gonna break my heart because I can't stop loving her.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

lost soul said:


> So this 180 thing sounds like a good plan but ladies really ? ? ? I'm trying to change my old ways of taking her for granted and being selfish. I been spoiling her with attention, sending her flowers, buying her jewelry, cooking her favorite food, help no wait doing the house work I been doing dishes, laundry, making the bed, scrubbing the floors, , , I even built her a shoe and purse rack ! ! ! and what every one is telling me I gotta do the 180 which is basically going back to the old me . . . WOW :rofl:


How is becoming the maid, butler and cook going to attract a woman that wants a manly man?

Have you read the MMSLP book?


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

lost soul said:


> So this 180 thing sounds like a good plan but ladies really ? ? ? I'm trying to change my old ways of taking her for granted and being selfish. I been spoiling her with attention, sending her flowers, buying her jewelry, cooking her favorite food, help no wait doing the house work I been doing dishes, laundry, making the bed, scrubbing the floors, , , I even built her a shoe and purse rack ! ! ! and what every one is telling me I gotta do the 180 which is basically going back to the old me . . . WOW :rofl:


LS you are correct that if done the wrong way the 180 can push your wife away, especially if you had been neglecting her.

First and foremost the 180 is a survival tool for a betrayed spouse, to create a personal frame of confidence, strength, and decisiveness.

The goal is to create enough emotional detachment that you make yourself the priority and work on yourself, regardless of your wayward spouses actions.

This actually speaks to her concern that you are just changing to get her back. You "buy into" becoming a better you regardless of her decisions.

This often has the effect of causing an attraction in the WS because typically it is these qualities that drew her attention to you in the first place and made her desire your attention from the start. Got it?

This does not mean being a jerk or being cold to her, not at all!!

The attraction factor is secondary, its the survival aptitude that confidence supplies that is the priority.

Listen, Marduk who is posting in your thread has shown the greatest strength of character and balance in this as anyone I have ever seen on TAM. My advice is to invest time and efforts on his questions, he is no fool and you will do well to open up to him.

I do wish you well.
Take care!


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You poor, naive fool. How you've managed to learn so little in 6 years here is beyond me.

I'm just astounded.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

lost soul said:


> So this 180 thing sounds like a good plan but ladies really ? ? ? I'm trying to change my old ways of taking her for granted and being selfish. I been spoiling her with attention, sending her flowers, buying her jewelry, cooking her favorite food, help no wait doing the house work I been doing dishes, laundry, making the bed, scrubbing the floors, , , I even built her a shoe and purse rack ! ! ! and what every one is telling me I gotta do the 180 which is basically going back to the old me . . . WOW :rofl:


 @lost soul,

Whatever you were doing in the past that pushed your wife away obviously wasn't working because she's got her foot at least half-way out the door. What you are doing by being a good house boy is addressing the symptoms but not the issue. It may also come off as disingenuous to your wife as a bid to win her back. If you have any hope at all - it will take TIME and concrete changes on your end to fix the issues. You seem to be looking for things that you can do now that will result in the immediate effect that you desire (getting your wife to recommit). I don't know what you signed up for in 2009 but if it was anything about marital discord that has caused your wife to want to leave, then that is a lot of making up and changing you need to do. 



The way you have spoken to some of the members here by lashing out and insulting them because you didn't like their opinions is unbecoming of you. It reeks of immaturity, insecurity and makes you seem like you have anger issues. I don't care where you grew up or whether you are "street" or have more than a high school education. I myself have experience living on either side of the tracks and dropped out of high school several times in my teens. There's no excuse for attacking those that have come here with no intention other than to help you.

In any event, if how you have communicated or failed to communicate effectively with certain members on this thread is a reflection of how you have spoken to and treated your wife - you may wish to address that more than simply acting chivalrous and donning gifts on your wife in order to win back her favour. You cannot maintain that for long and if you do not intend to make concrete changes she will smell it from a mile away. 



As for the 180. The 180 has nothing At ALL to do with becoming a bigger or better assh*le. It is about improving oneself so that 1) they may be a better person for themselves. 2) Developing yourself emotionally, physically and intellectually. 3) Correcting any of your mistakes - so yes, some of your nice gestures towards your wife may be helpful, especially if you neglected to do them in the past and those are things she needed and valued. But you also need to change your motivations about why you are doing and your expectations about what those things will "earn" you. 4) Distancing yourself emotionally from the immediate threat of losing your relationship or life partner so that you may approach the problem with more objectivity and emotional strength.

There is more to it than that but other members have done you the grace of trying to explain it further to you. So I will leave in-depth explanation of the 180 to those that desire to break it down for you.


We have a saying on TAM that actions speak louder than words. You will need to change because you want changes for YOURSELF -not just because you are afraid of losing your wife and think it will make her come back. 

One thing your wife is probably looking for in you is sincerity. By your own admission, you have neglected her. Your wife more likely than not thinks those things will stop and you will revert back to your old ways when she agrees to come back to you. You are going to have to be seen to be good by her for a long time, if you wish to change her mind about that. This is another reason why a 180 is important because your thinking needs to change.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Miss Taken said:


> lost soul said:
> 
> 
> > So this 180 thing sounds like a good plan but ladies really ? ? ? I'm trying to change my old ways of taking her for granted and being selfish. I been spoiling her with attention, sending her flowers, buying her jewelry, cooking her favorite food, help no wait doing the house work I been doing dishes, laundry, making the bed, scrubbing the floors, , , I even built her a shoe and purse rack ! ! ! and what every one is telling me I gotta do the 180 which is basically going back to the old me . . . WOW
> ...



Very well said, thank you


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

I do understand that 180 is not for me to be an A-hole but more being hard to get while healing my heartbreak incase it does not work out. I'll be a step ahead in recovery.


----------



## backcountry (May 18, 2015)

Decorum said:


> LS you are correct that if done the wrong way the 180 can push your wife away, especially if you had been neglecting her.



Oh oh....

lol...

I think I need to read more before carrying out actions.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Hi, my solution is to take away your support as a partner. She can remain iffy because you also allow it.
> 
> Anyways, choosing to move on is less torture for you, and the sooner you can heal. It will also allow you to detach to see if you even want her in your life, if she is going to be a negative or positive.
> 
> ...


You make it sound so simple. :surprise:


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> You poor, naive fool. How you've managed to learn so little in 6 years here is beyond me.
> 
> I'm just astounded.


Who's that aimed at?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lost soul said:


> Yes she was trying to speak to me but I was so consumed with all the attention I ignored her. She tells me I would tell her and I do remember saying this several times but I meant it as a compliment and for year to relax and enjoy it. I wold tell her to "just sit there and look pretty" and yes there was moms talking to me all the time and yes there was one mom that I talked to most of the time and yes my wife thinks I screwed her but no honest to god I did not. If any one believes me or not it doesn't matter the important thing is my wife believes I did.


You said that your wife has a male friend but she says that nothing is going on. How long has she had this male friend?

You had a female friend for a few years. You told your wife that you were just talking to her but nothing was going on.

So what's the difference?


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You said that your wife has a male friend but she says that nothing is going on. How long has she had this male friend?
> 
> You had a female friend for a few years. You told your wife that you were just talking to her but nothing was going on.
> 
> So what's the difference?


Cringing, I am just cringing.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> lost soul said:
> 
> 
> > Yes she was trying to speak to me but I was so consumed with all the attention I ignored her. She tells me I would tell her and I do remember saying this several times but I meant it as a compliment and for year to relax and enjoy it. I wold tell her to "just sit there and look pretty" and yes there was moms talking to me all the time and yes there was one mom that I talked to most of the time and yes my wife thinks I screwed her but no honest to god I did not. If any one believes me or not it doesn't matter the important thing is my wife believes I did.
> ...


If it's purely friendship there's no difference. I have no issues with her having male friends. If she loves me I have nothing to worry about. If she is cheating and trying to hide to stay with me , , , well to me that pathetic that a person can't control their sex drive enough to stop from screwing another person. There was some nice looking mom but I love my wife and would never do that to her or me. Nothing wrong with falling out of love but there's a way to do it and not hurt your partner like that.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

GusPolinski said:


> You poor, naive fool. How you've managed to learn so little in 6 years here is beyond me.
> 
> I'm just astounded.


Ever notice if you type "What" how many different ways others read that. I try and type clearly but what I'm trying to say keeps being read wrong and the more I try and explain the worse it gets.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> How is becoming the maid, butler and cook going to attract a woman that wants a manly man?
> 
> Have you read the MMSLP book?


No More Mr. Nice Guy is a much better book and is not full of mean spirited nonsense. I highly recommend NMMNG for this OP.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Blub, blup, blub, bubbles on the surface. Will a hand stick up suddenly or will he be a lost soul?


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If you were a selfish and unhelpful spouse, then turning your back on your partner (180) because they finally got fed up with it isn't going to win them back imo.

However, don't start what you're not going to finish. If you are willing to do all of what you are doing forever more, fair enough, go for it. If she decides to step fully back into the relationship right now, are you still going to be doing all this stuff a year from now? Are you going to be happy to do it all or will you start to get resentful?


----------

