# My EA has devastated all of us; how to get healthy from here



## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

Hubs and I have been married for 15+ years. We have two beautiful kids 4 and 6. After my second child my husband became very cold and distant. He was severely depressed and angry. His interaction with me was in grunts and f* this and f* that (including in front of the children). I’ve approached him several times asking him to please stop and start reconnecting with no success. About a year ago I wrote him a letter and basically begged him to reengage in the relationship. The response received was F* You and I was ignored (silence) for two weeks. I believe the only reason he reengaged contact with me was because my family suffered several traumas all at once (i.e. car accident, hurt relative, and the burning of my daughters school). There was a need to be involved and he was there… for about 2 months. Then the behavior of disconnection began again. In additional to the emotional disconnection there was little to no sex. I could count on one hand how many times we had had any intimacy within the last 8 months. And of that one hand only once was there enough concern for me during the act to allow me to finish (meaning it lasted for more than 3 minutes – probably closer to 5). 

In January of this year I started noticing that my oldest was responding to me with grunts and mean language that mimicked his father. I had enough. I felt unloved, uncared, lonely, depressed. I was desperate. I began playing a dumb game online with my son and soon found a friend. We had many things in common as well as working in the same industry. I had no intention of ever creating a relationship with this person other than “hi how are you”, but the more we found out how much there was in common the closer we became. There was so much overlap in our lives that we felt compelled to talk (including working with the same people within our industry). At first he didn’t realize my situation and it felt so nice to have someone to talk to that I didn’t tell him. When I did he asked why I was talking to him. By this time we trusted each other and had developed a friendship. I explained that I was lonely and how my husband had been treating me. That he was depressed and I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle it. I was ready to leave, but he explained to me how sometimes men get caught up with their selves and their pride. He encouraged me to stay and to work thing out with him. During this process we began talking on the phone and some days it was twice a day. No matter how much encouragement to stay he gave, we both found that we needed each other and our daily talks. At one point we realized that we were verging on an emotional affair (yeah yeah, I now realize we were already there). Of course, only two days later, my husband realized I was conversing with this person and confronted me. 

It didn’t go well. He was angry and hurt, but then he started getting into my face and screaming. He hacked into every email account I’ve ever had and went through all my phone records. I expected his anger, but I didn’t expect his rage. Hubs then logged into the game as me and threatened this person’s life as well as sent him and myself an email to threaten him. That too I expected. I was so horrified that I had done this and that I’ve hurt him that I immediately cut all ties with this person and that game. Every day since I’ve been an open book to him. He checks my emails daily. He’s in my phone logs constantly. If I get a phone call from an unknown number I get a call from him within 5 minutes asking who it was. I was okay with all of this and wanted to be as transparent as possible to show him I wanted to try. All I ever wanted was him. But the anger never stopped. He began to interrogate me about things that weren’t real. He would get 4 inches from my nose and scream his questions. This went on for weeks. He’s even cornered me upset because I wouldn’t make eye contact with him in the morning (I’m nearsighted… ). The anger just escalated until one day, while in a rage, he told me to pack my stuff and leave. I told him I wouldn’t go (I was not about to leave my kids with him in this state and I know he would not have allowed me to take them) so he told me he would pack my stuff up and I could get it off the front lawn. During this confrontation he told the kids (again 4 and 6) that their mother is a lying cheating ***** and doesn’t love them anymore. I begged him to stop and hugged and kissed and reassured the kids. He finally figured out that he just hurt the kids and put himself on time out to calm down. There’s been several incidents like this now. 

We’ve been in therapy since this happened and the therapist experienced his aggressiveness toward me and told him that his anxiety needs to be in control and he should consider taking meds. At this point my husband quit going. They exchanged a few aggressive emails back and forth and the therapist then suggested that he is acting borderline emotionally abusive to me with his anger and bullying. It’s now been three weeks and the husband is refusing to go to any therapy. He has stopped fighting me (it’s only been 7 days now), but about a week ago, just after our last fight, I went and found an apt. I scheduled the move in the first of this next coming month in hopes that during the next two weeks he would agree to go back to therapy. He is downright refusing and now saying that this is just another excuse of mine to be unhappy.

I’m devastated that I allowed myself to do this. I’m devastated that our marriage got to a point that it could even happen (this is not the type of person I am). I’m devastated that I’m considering moving out. I don’t want a divorce, but I do want to be safe. Am I moving too soon? How do I get this guy to understand that I’m traumatized too? Still to this day he’s so upset about the EA that he can’t see that not only was I hurting before it started, but I’m now hurting because of it too. I found a great friend that I had to eliminate from my life. I hurt him as well. I’ve hurt my husband and our children. I’m so depressed and confused and all I do is cry. I just want to breathe. I don’t know how. It seems like everyone is always about the blaming the evil person that cheated, but I never intended to walk out, never intended to find a friend, never intended to act out in any way. Now all I do is hurt people all I’m doing is hurting. I just want him in therapy. I want my kids safe and not thinking their mommy doesn’t love them anymore. I just want to be safe. I don’t even know how to tell him, because I’m afraid to hurt him more, that I need to move out, but that I don’t want us to be over.

Thoughts??! Please help.


----------



## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

I don't think there's any question about your H being abusive! You don't deserve that kind of treatment, nor do the kids. Your H needs to continue MC with you, and if he's unwilling...you two can't really proceed with healing. He has to take responsibility for HIS part of the issues in your relationship, too.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Stop being a victim. Your hb is a nasty, abusive jerk and this is a terrible environment for your kids. And why don't you want a divorce? For the kids? The man treats everyone like cr$p, so do not use the kids as an excuse because they are being damaged by this too. Leave now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Based on what you've written, the welfare of the children and of you should come first and once the three of you are in a safe place, then you can consider next stps itch your husband and the future of the family.


----------



## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

Thank you for your feedback. I should state that other than the laps of his "your mother doesn't love us" moment, he is actually quite an amazing father. He makes a point to not fight in front of them and is amazingly loving and nurturing to them. I wish my father was half the father he is. Those kids adore him and he them. Which is a big part of why I stayed after the letter from last year. He's a good man to the outside world and has been an amazing man in the past to me. I knew he was depressed and was trying to be supportive and patient of him. With the EA now he has just snapped. I've seen something in him that I can't stand and I agree that I need to leave. For the past week he has been exceptionally nice and loving. Buying me flowers and wine, doing the dishes, sending me random texts saying he loves me and that he's sorry, yet still refuses counseling. I guess at this point I'm just afraid of how to tell him I'm leaving because of a glimmer of hope that I know won’t last. I'm considering having an attorney draw up an agreement to share the kids to present him before I leave. I feel like after 15 years he deserves a chance, but I can no longer stay there. I would like us to continue counseling, but I also realize that once I leave it may be the nail for this marriage. I don't know how to tell him I’m going, if I should have an attorney involved or if that will set him off, and if I should take the kids right away. I will be leaving with nothing.


----------

