# Please read,in need of advice



## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Ok so I survived the first 8 months post end of a 12 year relationship. I honestly do think of her less and less, and I am at the point where I wish nothing but the best for her. I have forgiven her and have started to forgive myself for all the mistakes I made along the way. I discovered TAM a month or so after the end and I did write quite a bit on here, I shared my story, shared the story about the end for her and I. 

Anyways to my point, I have gotten used to the feeling of being single, I really have, I sleep well at night, whereas I used to rarely sleep and dread falling asleep alone. I have gotten used to falling asleep alone and waking up alone, I really have. The holidays were tough I wont lie, but generally I feel pretty ok mentally. The thought of her and what happened used to run through my mind and cause so much hatred, anger and anxiety I felt like I was losing my mind, one a scale of 1-10, the first few months I was no doubt a 10, now I have my moments where I spike at a 5 or 6 but typically remain at a 2-3 ( in terms of feeling negatively) meaning in a typical day I used to pretty much think of her 100%% of the time and now its down to 20-30%% at the very most. ok so to my point

So I have gotten used to being single, the initial shock and pain has completely worn off, but I am really still struggling being alone, not in terms of being in a romantic relationship, but I really don't have friends to talk to. I know many people maintain lifelong friendships, I am not one of those people, I have had many terrific friends over the years, but honestly too much time has passed and everyone has moved on in their life. I think this may be a guy thing, I know many of my male friends ( with the exception of 1) would never really talk to me, about how I was feeling, this is viewed as weakness and the guys I have been friends with don't tolerate that sort of thing. I guess my main question here is, now what? I did find a new job in the new state I was living in, and met a few nice people, but how do I a 37 year old male ( who is still in the process of creating his life- finishing my education, trying to jump into a career) how do I either reestablish old friendships ( which I really tried to do but it didn't work) or how do I meet and make new friends? I feel so strange about it, its not like I can walk up to someone and say hey how are you, would you like to be friends... I am just sort of feeling lost, and once again Soveryalone, but this time I am not feeling alone because of my Ex, its more just a situational thing, I really don't feel like I have that supportive group of people in my life, that I need so badly right now. 
lastly I am planning on moving back with my family for a little while , the last 6 months I have lived 3.5 hours away from my entire family with a roommate for the previous 4.5 months. Him and I really have nothing at all in common and he very much a negative influence on my life, he is a completely bitter and negative 62 year old man and being around him makes me feel depressed and even worse than that from time to time.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Here's a few ideas to meet quality people, males and females, that might lead to new friendships. 

Do you have hobbies or interests you would like to pursue? Perhaps join a hiking club, biking club, rowing team, etc. Do you have a dog? Join an agility class.

You could take a cooking class, art class, something that requires interaction and working with others.

Find some meaningful volunteer work that is of particular interest to you. Are you handy? Join Habitat for Humanity, or volunteer for Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Your "little brother" would be an instant friend! Volunteer at the humane society. Animals offer unconditional friendship.

If you are religious, go on a church retreat weekend. You will meet other like-minded people.

Join a lecture series or a book club and you will find people who are interested in the same topics you are.

Get a part-time job doing something you love just for the fun of it. Coffee barista? Garden store? Book store? Bartender?


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Thanks very much for the speedy reply Those are all excellent ideas, and oddly enough the fact that a person would take the time to read my post and reply actually makes me feel a little better, odd I know. So it is possible to meet new people, make new friends even at my ripe old age of 37 ? The notion of meeting new people/ forming a group of people for support seems so impossible right now. I guess it will only be impossible if I don't try. 

I have written quite a bit on this forum and others, and talked here and there on facebook with old friends, and actually started chatting in chatrooms on ICQ( a chat site much like AOL from years back),and met a few decent people, however I have found that online friends (terrific as they may be) lack something, I don't know if they don't feel like "real friends" or what the case may be but anyways I suppose I need to reach out to a few people, to try to reconnect with them. maybe I will do that tonight  You are 100% correct though, all of your suggestions are right on the money, I am certain if I was to get out and join a club for example I could certainly meet new people, and who knows perhaps a friendship could develop. I just need to relax, take a few deep breaths and accept that my life is where it is, and I can change it, if I focus.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Soveryalone said:


> Thanks very much for the speedy reply
> 
> ...however I have found that online friends (terrific as they may be) lack something, I don't know if they don't feel like "real friends" or what the case may be but anyways


You're certainly welcome!

I agree that online friends are fun (these boards are a lifesaver sometimes!) but as humans, we all require a certain amount of "touch" in our lives. A pat on the back, a handshake, a hug, a smile, eye contact, and the list goes on.

I'm glad my list was inspiring. Do you have business cards? If not, go online somewhere like Vistaprint and just get some simple cards made up with your name, phone number and email address. Then when you meet quality people, exchange contact info and then follow up. That is the hardest thing sometimes, "putting yourself out there." But it will pay off when you take the first step.

Good luck


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

Try looking on meetup.com. It was designed for people our age to interact IRL. There are usually a lot of local groups with varied interests! In our community, for example, there are gaming groups, cooking groups, walking meetings, political meetups, bike riding gettogethers and so on. It's a great way to put yourself back into a social environment with low pressure.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Here's a few ideas to meet quality people, males and females, that might lead to new friendships. Do you have hobbies or interests you would like to pursue? Perhaps join a hiking club, biking club, rowing team, etc. Do you have a dog? Join an agility class.
> 
> You could take a cooking class, art class, something that requires interaction and working with others.
> 
> ...


The above are all great ideas! I second the part-time job and volunteer work especially. Those situations seem to really encourage socializing. 

Some other thoughts - attend a weekend conference in your area on a topic that interests you (writing, beer brewing, Star Trek, whatever floats your boat!), volunteer at your local film festival - or just go to a nice bar in your area solo with a good book and strike up conversation. People always seem to talk to me when I have a book (but am still looking up from it!) especially if it's a classic a lot of people have read like The Great Gatsby or something trendy like World War Z.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yep agree with what everyone's saying , great if you can get out into the real world more , that's what l'm trying to do more of.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

I'll echo what everyone else is saying... Go out, get some sociable hobbies, join some clubs, take a class to learn something fun.

Not only does it get you around new, interesting people with common interests (instant friends!), but it keeps you active and busy with scheduled activities.

Here's what I've got going on since my divorce last August...

I started singing again, and joined a community chorus that rehearses every week.

I started playing trumpet again, bought a used cornet, and joined a community band week.

I joined a "Freaks, Geeks, and Weirdos" meetup group. I get together with them about once a month to play D&D, card games, board games, watch movies or attend a local convention.

I'm signing up to start taking swing dance lessons next month with a club that meets once a week.

I go to all the extra-curricular activities my kids are involved in.

Years ago, I taught myself to knit. I'm getting back into practice, so I can knit myself a Tom Baker Doctor Who scarf in my spare time.

I'm traveling more, visiting friends and family, and just taking little mini-vacations either by myself or with friends.

I'm exercising more often and more regularly.

A year ago, I took a free motorcycle safety training course through the DMV, so I could learn to ride a motorcycle and get the qualification on my license.


Go do something fantastic!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Pbartender said:


> A year ago, I took a free motorcycle safety training course through the DMV, so I could learn to ride a motorcycle and get the qualification on my license.


Way to go PB! That's on my list of things to do this year. Just waiting for warm weather to roll around...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

One more thing Alone...

Have you ever tried archery? Last year I bought myself a compound bow and learned how to shoot a bow and arrow! I'm pretty d*mn good, if I do say so myself 

There are lots of local amateur clubs and competitions, the people are really nice and offer lots of support while you're learning, PLUS a lot of the chicks that are into archery are HOT! :smthumbup:


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Way to go PB! That's on my list of things to do this year. Just waiting for warm weather to roll around...


Yeah, you know... I don't have a motorcycle. I don't have plans for owning a motorcycle any time soon. But I always wanted to learn how to ride one, the class was free, and it'd get me my license at the end of it, so I figured... What the hell? Why not?


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> ]I joined a "Freaks, Geeks, and Weirdos" meetup group. I get together with them about once a month to play D&D, card games, board games, watch movies or attend a local convention.


I also recently joined a role-playing game club! Previous game was D&D but now we're doing World of Darkness/Changeling. Highly recommend, it's a lot of fun!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

A big second for meetup.com, great way to stay busy and meet people.

Ballroom and latin dancing was a great activity that I really enjoyed. Great way to get social interaction from just really awesome people.

For male bonding, Brazilian jiu-jitsu has been huge. It's a bit like being on a football team. Bunch of normal guys, working hard, having fun, teaching and competing with eachother. I made a lot of great guy friends that way.


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