# Help husband bouncing between wife and AP



## Angel_8764 (Dec 20, 2020)

So I’m gonna start with a little bit of history me and my husband have been together for 15 years as of February and we've been married for 10 years. 

We have three beautiful daughters together ages 3, 6 and 10. We have always had a relatively easy relationship we don’t fight or argue we're usually able to talk calmly about things that we need to come to an agreement on. 

Three years ago my husband cheated on me and it wasn't the first time that it happened it was right after we had our third daughter in at that point I emotionally shut myself off. I became very depressed and me and my husband’s sex life suffered.

At that point in time I didn’t have anyone that was willing to babysit our children while me and my husband went out. And so when activities would come up like my husband wanting to go on a motorcycle ride, Or go out fishing for the day with the guys, or go to car meets, I would tell my husband to go ahead and go and enjoy himself so that we wouldn't both be stuck at the house. 

He felt like I was pushing him away and didn’t want to do anything with him and in my eyes I wanted to allow him to still go out and do the things that he loved even though I wasn’t able to go with him. I have always felt like as long as my children are happy and my husband was happy and enjoying himself that my heart was full and I’ve always been willing to make sacrifices on my end to make sure that nobody else had to, I felt that was my way of showing how much I loved them. 

The beginning of October I scheduled the doctor appointment for myself because I realized how bad my anxiety and depression had become. I was feeling overwhelmed with housework and working part time in since covid had started and the kids were on remote learning I felt like everything was building up. So the beginning of October I started an anti anxiety and depression medication at that point my husband had started talking with another girl. My husband is 32 and I am 31 and this other girl is 18. 

Now my husband left me and our children for his affair partner, it took him five days to contact our children. He was gone for about a week, he came to visit our children and I tried to give him his space, but he wanted me and the children to sit down and play a board game together. And then we had dinner together and put a movie on and I walked out of the room because I was upset. He came into the room and gave me a hug and said I know you don’t want this but I do.

And then he left and on Thanksgiving Day he came over and hung out with me and the girls for breakfast, and told us that he'd be having dinner elsewhere. He skipped out on Thanksgiving dinner with his kids to have Thanksgiving dinner with his affair partner. He came over the next day to say he loved me and he missed me and he wanted to work on things and that he'd like to meet with a marriage counselor. 

He said That he loved me and didn't understand what it was about her, if he was excited about something new he wasn't sure if he actually had feelings for her. I had asked him if his feelings for her were stronger than his feelings for me and he had said no. I had told him that he needed to do what made him happy even if that meant not being with me. I had also told him that if he felt that strong of a connection with her and that he needed to pursue things with her to do so. 

That he could not keep bouncing back and forth and he had to make a decision on which relationship he wanted to work on. On that day he asked our kids what they thought about him moving home and working on things with me and him.

And of course they were excited they wanted Dad to come home. So he came home for four days had sex with me He had talked to me about how sex with me was better. He had told me that the affair partner had to go to the hospital because they had had sex too rough and she was complaining about pain Ann that I was more of a woman than the affair partner was, and on the 4th day He said that he needed to bring the affair partner her belongings. I had told him I was uncomfortable with him being alone to bring them to her and he told me that I needed to trust him and that he'd be home soon. 

He called me a few hours later to tell me that he wasn't coming home that he had made up his mind that the affair partner filled the void for him that he felt When he was at home. He then left again for a few weeks, but wanted to go Christmas shopping for our children together which I usually do on my own because my husband is not a shopper. 

And so we went Christmas shopping and had a bite to eat and his affair partner was messaging him when are you going to be back where are you what are you doing. 

He talked to me about his frustrations for his affair partner and how she didn't give him space and how she punched him and how she had mood swings and she didn't trust him. He once again said that he wanted to meet with a marriage counselor and work on things. I asked him if he was sure that was what he wanted if he really felt like things between him and his affair partner were over. 

He said yes that our marriage was what he wanted that he missed me that he missed our children. I had also recommended to him that he take a few weeks to himself without contacting me and without contact to the affair partner, so that he could really reflect on what he wanted in life. He has not done this at all and I feel like it’s because he doesn’t want to be alone. 

So he came home again and this time he was home for eight days. He enjoyed time with me we played video games together had dinner in bed together, had enjoyable sex together. He said that he was not going to stop talking to his affair partner that they were just friends. He had told her he needed space to figure things out and she found out he was home working on things with me and had told him that she just wanted to be friends. She had sent him pictures after she cut herself of her bloody sheets and mattress. 

She told him that it wasn’t because of him she didn’t know why she did it. She has also sent pictures of herself crying because she was miserable without him. At the beginning she had sent him a text saying that she was going to wrap her truck around a tree and that he better tell everyone the truth. She is also text him saying that she was starting her morning off with alcohol because she was miserable. On Wednesday while I was at work they had sent Snapchat pictures back and forth with a total of 20 plus pictures. 

So on Thursday morning I woke up to my husband Snapchat dinging dinging dinging and he said it was our friend who was in the living room and it was not it was from the affair partner. I had already previously told him that it was frustrating that they talked from first thing in the morning all the way up until bedtime every night. That I felt like we needed a break from the affair partner so that we could focus on ourselves. He wasn’t willing to talk that morning and so I was texting with his sister who knows what’s going on.

I was talking to her about my frustrations on them sending pictures back and forth an I had made the comment that I wish the affair partner would just croak. I was not wishing death upon her, more along the lines of I just wish she'd disappear from our lives. When I fell asleep my husband read the messages and got really mad and took a picture from his phone and sent it to the affair partner. When I woke up I could tell he was mad and I asked him to talk with me. He then preceded to tell me that he doesn't have feelings for me that he hasn't had feelings for me for the past three years. 

He said that he only came back for his children. My husband is also someone who doesn’t spend much time with his children he hibernates in our bedroom playing video games. He’s not one to go to the swim lessons or the basketball games, he doesn't bring them to the park or do crafts with them. The only time he’s interested in doing things with the children is when it's things that interest him. Like bringing them to a burnout competition or working on cars or going fishing.

My husband says that he still wants to meet with a marriage counselor but we have to do so with an open mind. He currently wants to live at home but be in a relationship with his affair partner. My husband was also diagnosed with depression the beginning of November in the doctor started him on medication which he was taking until about 5 days ago and stopped completely. I’m feeling really confused on what I should do. I also feel like she’s manipulating my husband by sending pictures of herself harm and pictures of herself crying And talking about how she starting her morning with alcohol and wrapping her truck around a tree.

My children have now learned what is going on. Last night while I was at work he had our children say hi to his affair partner on the phone over video call. My children came to me this morning after my husband had left to tell me that they were uncomfortable saying hi to her after me and my husband had agreed that our children were to have nothing to do with her at this point in time. I am uncomfortable was someone in her mental state having any influence on our children. Our children are also currently frustrated with my husband and with his affair partner for the bouncing back and forth and the lying.

So my questions and concerns

Is the affair partner manipulating my husband?

Would marriage counseling be beneficial to me and my husband?

He says that I am his best friend, he says that I’m the most beautiful person he knows, that the sex with me is amazing, But now he does not have feelings for me anymore. But still wants to meet with a marriage counselor.

The children have told him that they would like him to focus on them and take a break from his affair partner and he informed them that the decision was not that simple.

I love my husband with my whole heart and I want to be able to show him how much I love him, I would like to meet with a marriage counselor and rebuild our relationship because we have so many things in common. But every time he comes home he stays in contact with his affair partner. And I feel like he feels pulled back and forth and each time he leaves he seems more sure that he no longer has feelings for me. But still wants to meet with a marriage counselor. He is also said that he doesn’t have feelings about anything anymore about work. About hobbies, about friends, but what he wants to do in life.

What should I do?


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Others will be along shortly to give you good advice, listen to them. What I'm going to say is this - Don't listen to a word your husband says, his brain is addled, instead pay attention to what he's doing, his actions speak far more clearly than his words. Your children are exhibiting more common sense than your husband. Your husband is a man-boy in the throes of puppy love.

Secondly, take control over your own life. Right now you are a puppet and this idiot, puppy-love addled, manboy is pulling all of your strings. You are reacting to him. You are not putting any conditions on your man-boy. You need to think of yourself and your daughters. How you're acting right now is modeling behavior for them which they will take into their adult lives - "girls, allow men to walk all over you."

Put the Fear of God into your husband. Kick him out and file for divorce. Now understand this point, just because you file for divorce doesn't mean you have to ride that process until the final divorce decree, you can slow it down to a pace you want and you can even cancel it at a future date, so this is not an irreversible step, it's a strategic step which puts you in control and he will now have to react to you. Once you have him served, his world will crumble. He's needs that brain-shock to get him out of this puppy-love idiot stage. Do not talk to him, you want the shock effect. After you get that shock effect, remember what it feels like to be in control of your destiny and keep that in mind if you're tempted to once again REACT to his pleadings and false promises and cake-eating. Any time you grant him a concession, make damn sure it's because it serves your interest and that you get some concession back from him.

Next you need to think about what you can live with if you don't go immediately to divorce. From what you've written it looks like the despair of depression has put a dulling blanket over his life, no joy for anything, and so puppy-love gives him a sense of color in his life. If he goes to a doctor and gets a consult on a different medication, or a talking to about staying on his meds, there should be some movement towards getting a little more enthusiastic about other aspects of his life. 

See, if you have him served, and he's off his meds, with his crazy-ass girlfriend, he's going to crash from the shock and despair, the reality will become too real. He's going to have to hit rock bottom and being off his meds that will probably happen a lot more quickly than it would for someone who is more psychologically healthy. You can't come and be his person of comfort and his crazy girlfriends shouldn't be either, it should be his sister.

Understand this - no matter what happens, you will never go back to the marriage you used to have, you will no longer be the woman you were before this and he will no longer be the man he was before this, that's all dead and gone. If you move to reconcile with him your marriage will forever have 3 people in it, you, your husband, and the ghost of his crazy girlfriend, she will taint many of your future memories, this is why fresh starts with new people are less emotionally taxing.

Good luck.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is a nasty, selfish, immoral person with very low values. It sounds like you have a great opportunity to be rid of such a toxic person from your life, so you should take it and not listen to a word he says. He wants to have a wife and a girlfriend and treats his family despicably. Why on earth would you want him in your or your children's lives?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

This was wild to read. Sorry for what he is putting your family through but please have some self respect for yourself and your own worth and show him the door provided you’re able to figure out how to do so.

You’re still a young woman with a long life ahead of you where you can find someone who doesn’t trample all over your relationship.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Angel_8764 said:


> So my questions and concerns
> 
> Is the affair partner manipulating my husband?
> 
> Would marriage counseling be beneficial to me and my husband?


The AP is certainly mentally ill, but you cannot blame her for your husband cheating. Your husband is choosing to cheat, end of story. 

No, marriage counseling would not be beneficial right now. You and your husband both need individual counseling first, _then_ marriage counseling. Two unhealthy people do not make a good marriage. You need to do the individual work first. 

This shouldn't be what you're focusing on, though. Focus on what is best for you and your kids. 

It's time to put your foot down. Stop allowing your husband to come and go like this. It's terrible for you, terrible for your children, and it shows him that he can walk all over you and you'll reward his **** behavior. Your husband either cuts off the AP, gets back on his meds, and gets in therapy, or you want a divorce. You cannot keep living like this and it will never change unless he's given a reason to change. Right now he's getting his cake and eating it too, why would he stop?

Stop having sex with him! He's sleeping with another woman... God knows what STDs he has. So on that note, please, go get tested.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You do not value yourself enough.
Your husband is a liar. He’s a cheater.

He’s having sex with an 18 yr old girl (child in my opinion). Then coming home to you for more. He’s a classic cake eater, and what you are is a CLASSIC ENABLER. 
You are showing your husband that you will tolerate this. This 18 yr old kookie kid will undoubtedly NOT be the last.

I don’t mean to kick you when you’re down.
But you’re acting strangely. Most people would boot a husband that does these things in a harsh manner, as should you.

Please see an attorney and get some good legal and friendly advice from a professional who deals with this regularly.

Mark my words. This won’t be the last affair partner he has.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> This won’t be the last affair partner he has.


Yes, you can write that down in your "book".... get a lawyer and get loose.....



Angel_8764 said:


> Is the affair partner manipulating my husband?


Yes. You can be quite sure of this. AP's are CHEATERS. All. ALL cheaters are manipulative, and ALL cheaters are liars. ALL.



Angel_8764 said:


> Would marriage counseling be beneficial to me and my husband?


If you really, I mean really want your marriage to continue, then, yes, marriage counselor would help AFTER he stops cheating with no contact to the AP for ONE YEAR.

If he's serious enough about his marriage, he will do it.

If he doesn't, he's not serious enough that marriage counselor will do anything but take your money for nothing.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I want to say, I’m really sorry for what you’re going through here, and I’m going to say what needs to be said right now. It doesn’t matter if you’re depressed, anxious, irritable, not feeling sexy, grumpy or whatever emotion you have been, YOU didn’t make him cheat. You said your husband has cheated before, this indicates he is a serial cheater and it is in his core being to be a cheater no matter who he is with. This is not you.

Here is what IS you...allowing this man to continually **** all over you and his children while he runs around like a teenage boy sticking his wick in every warm hole and hanging out with his boyfriends. You advised him to take several weeks without contacting anyone to figure out what he needs in life. I am suggesting that YOU to take several months and have zero contact with him to figure out what you are worth.

Because you genuinely sound like a sweet, selfless and wonderful person and you don’t deserve this garbage. He is USING you. He doesn’t know if he wants you because you give him everything, every benefit freely, whether he is banging psychos or not. You suppress your natural emotions so as not to upset him. You ENCOURAGE him to figure out what he wants and to him that means he gets to use you and her to his hearts content and get your sympathy. It’s disgusting. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS! And I need you to truly ask yourself what you are teaching your kids about marriage and relationships. He has his little skank talking to your kids and telling them that you’re working things out, he has a suicidal child TALKING to your kids! What message are your children getting about marriage, fathers, and their mother right now?

I really wish I could give you the perspective that I have while reading your story, but it’s truly sad to me, because I don’t get the sense you are asking what to do. I get the sense you’re asking “how do I keep him” you’re asking how to make him choose you, choose your kids when he’s already made it abundantly clear he cares about only himself. Not you, not his own kids. He is DISGUSTING. Think what you would advise your daughter to do if she found herself with a guy like this at your age.

If there is one thing I’ve learned so far about myself and my kids? I should never have to CONVINCE anyone that we are good enough to be priority #1. I shouldn’t have to ask someone to choose me and his OWN kids. And I never should have given him the idea that I was an option... and low and behold when I finally stopped refusing to be an option, that’s when he decided I am the “one”. This family is what he wants. But it’s TOO LATE.

But honestly, if you don’t want to leave the cheating a-hole who doesn’t have time for you and his own kids even when he isn’t cheating; so be it, but you’re doing exactly the WRONG things to that end. And believe me I did the same wrong things too. If you want any chance at getting him back you will stop speaking to him, stop being nice to him, file for divorce (yes really) communicate only through text and lawyers, and for gods sake stop sleeping with him, making him dinner and being his mommy for emotional support. He needs to be without you, without his kids except for visits that are laid out in the court order, and completely on his own. Then he might actually realize what he’s lost and come begging and pleading and love bombing you. And I’m sure you can then get a few things out of him like not talking to the child girlfriend anymore and dedicating himself to being a sh!tty husband and father until the next affair. That’s how you do it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s playing you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

This post was just WAY too long to read - and with almost no paragraphs for the first 2/3 of it, it was just about impossible to get through.

I don't need all the fine details anyway - it didn't take me long at all to see that sadly, you have zero self-respect.

Please - find your pride, find your dignity, and find your self-respect. Why the hell are you giving this pig the time of day when he's already shown you - *over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over* how LITTLE you matter, how LITTLE your kids matter, and how LITTLE he respects you?

What on earth is marriage counseling going to do?????

The only professional YOU need to see is a lawyer. Sadly, I know you won't. You'll continue to eat the huge **** sandwich this ass-hole keeps serving up to you, and continue to desperately cling to him like grim death hoping that he'll suddenly become a decent human being again. And even MORE sad is the fact that you'll happily forgive the *unforgivable* if his newfound "love" doesn't work out and he comes back to you because he has no other options. I think you'll more than happily agree to settle for being Plan B just to get this "prize" back all to yourself.

Until he finds the *next* girlfriend and does this again, that is. And he *will*, that's a promise.

Please. Find your damned pride.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Openminded said:


> He’s playing you.


And he's playing the AP and he's playing the children.

I am keen that people have counselling but marital counselling when one spouse is a cheater is no use.

Also, he broke the marriage, he broke you and he broke the family, @Angel_8764. You need to get individual counselling, counselling for your children and see a divorce lawyer.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

As others have said, you are doing what is called the “pick me” dance. It’s not very fun is it? I know what it’s like to dance on that hot plate. Stop doing it.

you have been subjected to one of the most toxic and transgressive acts one human can carry out against another. There’s no overstating this. Adultery is abuse and Leaves betrayed spouses with severe trauma and PTSD. It’s very real and takes several years for your heart and mind to fully recover.

drink plenty of water, avoid alcohol, get a sleep aid if you need it and get healthy sleep. Take walks.

A few initial thoughts:
1. Look up “grey rock” and infidelity.
2. Go see a lawyer this week or next after Christmas to understand the divorce process. You’ll have to pay about $250 for the consult but it’s worth it.
3. Expose your husband’s affair to his immediate family - his parents and siblings. This is to stop him from offering them a sanitized narrative,
4. Ask him to move out and then YOU file for divorce. You can always stop the process later. But this puts you in control. Filing will make it real to him.
5. stop contacting him and tell him you will discuss childcare arrangements only.
6. no more cake eating for him, no more hysterical bonding sex for him
7. NO MARITAL COUNSELING - I repeat do NOT agree to marital counseling. The old marriage you had is functionally dead and also metaphysically dead. MC is a waste of time and harmful to you in an infidelity situation.
8. Sign yourself up for individual counseling with a specialist in betrayal trauma. That is very important to pay attention to this particular specialty.
9. You are being abused. Adultery is abuse. What advice would you offer to a battered wife? Offer yourself the same advice.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Read the books Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life and Cheating in a Nutshell. Both very short reads and will give you a lot to think about.


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## Angel_8764 (Dec 20, 2020)

Thank you all for your replies, everytime he had came back he had genuinely seemed like he had made up his mind to commit to working on our relationship. Which was why I had agreed to it. I do know that I deserve better than this but I didnt want to throw away the paat 15 years of my life. We have a lot of fun and beautiful memories together. I felt like my post was long enough abs there is plenty more to it. Including our livea being turned upside down last year. Our best friend was walking and a truck hit him and took off, and our friend paat away. Which was a huge toll on us, and then covid hit, and then my grandmother whom lives in a duplex opposite us ended up with dementia. So i was wonderong if all the turmoil we had gone through was just bottled up. 

My children do come first in my eyes and they knew nothing about the AP until my husband had brought her up. They only know she is a friend, nothing of the details between them. And I do sit with them and ask them how they feel about dad being home or not being home. And they each are meeting with a counsler once a week.

I was more curious if maybe he felt guilt towards leaving the affair partner because of the messages she sends him after he decides to come home.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Instead of looking at it as throwing out the last X years why not look at it as throwing away the next Y years. It’s called the sunk cost fallacy.


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## Angel_8764 (Dec 20, 2020)

And his family does know whats going on. They have all told him they dont know what he is doing. They dont like the AP and they told him he should focus on his kids and work on his marriage.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Angel_8764 said:


> So I’m gonna start with a little bit of history me and my husband have been together for 15 years as of February and we've been married for 10 years.
> 
> We have three beautiful daughters together ages 3, 6 and 10. We have always had a relatively easy relationship we don’t fight or argue we're usually able to talk calmly about things that we need to come to an agreement on.
> 
> ...


I think the best revenge is letting her have him. You need to set up strong boundaries and tell him you no longer want him back. His affair partner sounds like a doozy from what you're saying. He'll have a miserable life. Not your problem. Stop giving him chances to come back. The door needs to be closed. Discuss nothing but the children. Get out. You totally don't deserve this drama or trauma. Get out for your girls. They deserve stability.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Angel_8764 said:


> Thank you all for your replies, everytime he had came back he had genuinely seemed like he had made up his mind to commit to working on our relationship. Which was why I had agreed to it. I do know that I deserve better than this but I didnt want to throw away the paat 15 years of my life. We have a lot of fun and beautiful memories together. I felt like my post was long enough abs there is plenty more to it. Including our livea being turned upside down last year. Our best friend was walking and a truck hit him and took off, and our friend paat away. Which was a huge toll on us, and then covid hit, and then my grandmother whom lives in a duplex opposite us ended up with dementia. So i was wonderong if all the turmoil we had gone through was just bottled up.
> 
> My children do come first in my eyes and they knew nothing about the AP until my husband had brought her up. They only know she is a friend, nothing of the details between them. And I do sit with them and ask them how they feel about dad being home or not being home. And they each are meeting with a counsler once a week.
> 
> I was more curious if maybe he felt guilt towards leaving the affair partner because of the messages she sends him after he decides to come home.


Youve been through the SAME rough times as him, and actually more because you’ve been raising your kids ALONE....and are you effing an 18 year old boy?? Are you so lost you can’t understand that it’s wrong to betray your family? NO.

31 years old is so young and the absolute BEST time to start again without the crap husband and father. 15 years is nothing compared to the years you have ahead. NOTHING.

Your husband isn’t being controlled and manipulated by an 18 year old, you can’t possibly believe that can you? It’s the other way around and he LIKES being her God, he likes that she falls apart without him. He wouldn’t keep going back to her if he didn’t. This is who he IS. A male so fragile he needs a teenager to make him feel good about himself.

You have decades of wasted life ahead of you if you keep thinking this way. Regardless, if you want him back, like I said you’re doing it wrong. You are devaluing yourself by giving him everything he wants and acting like he deserves it. You have to strip him of everything he likes to use you for, not give him more!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Leave him! Divorce him now. 

he isn’t going to change - it’s you who needs to change this - so divorce him knowing fully well he a complete jerk who is selfish and self centered!

request the maximum in support money. Alert the courts he rarely sees his kids!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You aren’t throwing 15 years away. Your cheating husband has thrown you away. He thought so little of you as to screw an 18yr old girl (I hope her parents know) and run it in your face. 

He is pretending to be remorseful. I’ll bet my next paycheck that he’s been pretending you are a monster and plans on leaving you.
Gotta wise up and Ditch him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Angel_8764 why on earth are you allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat? You need counselling alright, but not MC. You need individual counselling to see why you took on all responsibility for caring for the kids while your POS WH went out and enjoyed himself and you stayed home and why now you allow him to come in and out of your life like you are an option not the stupid 18 yr old he is hanging out with. You need to pull up your big girl panties and go scorched earth on this ass!

I know you are hurting but you allowing him to come in and out of your life like this is causing more pain and he is also losing respect for you for allowing it. He is a typical cheater and is having the best of both worlds without any responsibility or accountability.
Please please please do the following. It may be counter intuitive but you have to show your POS WH that you are not his fool anymore and you make your own choices and perhaps you don't want him in your life at all after the **** he has pulled. 

1. Go see a great lawyer and get some advice and how to proceed. You can file for divorce, it can be retracted later but the intention is to scare some common sense into POS WH. In particular discuss child visitation. POS WH should not be allowed to come and go as he pleases. Visits are supervised by someone else.
2. Do a hard 180 on him, no contact, nothing, he can only communicate by text when he wants to visit the children. You made a mistake allowing him to come and go. NO SEX at all with him. Tell him he cannot come anywhere near you, he many have an STD (likely if she is a loose 18 yr old he is not the only one she has been shagging). Have some respect you are not his go to when it suits him, hell no! 
2. Go get your self a really good counsellor to see why you would let a man do this to you. Hopefully after counselling you will kick this POS to the kerb cause that is what he deserves.
3. Go and get an STD test.
4. Ask him to move out. Throw his belongings out of hte house. Ensure you follow the law though
5. Are you working, financially independent, etc? Go seek advice and help from a mother's support group in your area. If you look hard enough you can always find people to babysit etc so you start to live a life for yourself also. It appears you have been sacrificing yourself for POS WH and the kids, stop it now. Kids will be happier with a happy mother.
6. If you are not working, start looking for a job, part time or other wise, start working on him being out of the picture completely. He is not marriage material.
7. Tell all family and friends, his family, your family, anyone who will listen and blow up his and her fantasy world. This is their shame not yours. Affairs only work in the darkness, shed some light on it and let them deal with the fall out.
8. Confide in a close friend or family member so they can support you through this, you are better than this treatment, he does not deserve you at all. With 3 little kids and he is out with an 18 yr old and putting you through all this trauma. Cut him out of your life, be strong. He is not a good man, nor a good father. A good father treats the mother of his kids with respect if not love.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Angel_8764 said:


> Thank you all for your replies, everytime he had came back he had genuinely seemed like he had made up his mind to commit to working on our relationship. Which was why I had agreed to it. I do know that I deserve better than this but I didnt want to throw away the paat 15 years of my life. We have a lot of fun and beautiful memories together. I felt like my post was long enough abs there is plenty more to it. Including our livea being turned upside down last year. Our best friend was walking and a truck hit him and took off, and our friend paat away. Which was a huge toll on us, and then covid hit, and then my grandmother whom lives in a duplex opposite us ended up with dementia. So i was wonderong if all the turmoil we had gone through was just bottled up.
> 
> My children do come first in my eyes and they knew nothing about the AP until my husband had brought her up. They only know she is a friend, nothing of the details between them. And I do sit with them and ask them how they feel about dad being home or not being home. And they each are meeting with a counsler once a week.
> 
> I was more curious if maybe he felt guilt towards leaving the affair partner because of the messages she sends him after he decides to come home.


Why should be genuinely do anything, you are a pushover and his words are all lies (typical cheater speak) which mean nothing. You have not made him accountable nor have there been any consequences. Good old you, the doormat, will still be there. You need to stop playing this response. Who cares about 15 years, he is the one who put the nuclear bomb in your marriage, not you. Why are you taking the responsibility and making excuses for this POS? Didn't those traumatic events happen to you too? But you are the one keeping it together for the kids, why give him a get out of jail free card? He is no man, shouldn't he be the one supporting you and helping you through the trauma. Where the hell is your righteous anger? Have you always been a push over for him?


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## Missybfine (Dec 4, 2020)

I almost threw my own phone across the room because that is how visceral my reaction to your post was. 

What the hell are you thinking? Granted, I know all about being a doormat to a cheating, narcissistic lunatic...but you and your husband take the cake. 

This man does not love you. He does not love his children. By leaving him, you are not throwing away 15 years of marriage, you are throwing away a lie because that is all your marriage is now; by doing so, you will save your mental health and your future. 

Your husband is a freaking pig of massive proportions.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Your H has two wives, isn't even hiding it, and you are allowing it. Why should he stop when he's living out his fantasy with a young 18 year old?

Honey, this is what we call "Cake Eating 101".

Your post reeks of zero self-respect. My advice is to get yourself some therapy to work on you. 

Oh, and get out of this "marriage".


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Why do you have such
Low self esteem that you accept this horrible treatment?

Why are you so damaged that you think it’s ok to be with such a terrible person?

The real problem here is within yourself. You need serious help and therapy to determine why you allow yourself to be used and mistreated like this. 

Please for all that is holy find a good therapist for yourself so that you can free yourself from this awful waste of protoplasm


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He is acting this way because you are allowing it.


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

Angel_8764 said:


> So I’m gonna start with a little bit of history me and my husband have been together for 15 years as of February and we've been married for 10 years.
> 
> We have three beautiful daughters together ages 3, 6 and 10. We have always had a relatively easy relationship we don’t fight or argue we're usually able to talk calmly about things that we need to come to an agreement on.
> 
> ...


I would just like to say that the way this 18-year-old is behaving isn't necessarily a sign of a personality disorder or a stable mental disorder that will go on into the future. At 18 she is still a teenager and though she is a very troubled one she shouldn't be written off as mentally ill. She will be mentally ill if this is still happening 2-3 years from now. Right now she might just suffer from PTSD cos this man twice her age has hurt her sexually so very badly that she needed to see a doctor, God knows what else he's done and he keeps going between her and his wife and children.

OP, I don't ordinarily say this, I refrained from saying it to a woman on here whose husband raped her twice, but your husband is a nasty person. He has zero regards for you, his children or a very young girl he dragged into your marriage drama. He is very likely sadistic and this affair is the least of your problems. Your problem is, this isn't the first time he's cheated, you never recovered from the first time you caught him, and you very poorly coped with it by becoming his mum, his nanny, his maid but you aren't his wife for years now. As you shouldn't be, he is repulsive. I am sorry I cannot write this with more restraint but, are you serious? You married this -- selfish, sadistic, pathetic, habitually cheating, never took the time to be the proper father -- man and now you fantasise about this poor girl keeling over. Both of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Get it together.


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