# my wife crushed my heart



## loucollins86 (Feb 1, 2013)

Allmost a week ago on my way back from a work trip i found out from my neighboor that a guy was trying to hit on my wife on facebook. i asked her and she said yeah he did and she told him that she was married and not interested and the man wouldnt leave her alone. i signed into her facebook because we both have our passwords saved into the computer and found some things a little more disturbing. I found the messages from the man , and he was telling my wife that shes sexy and hott and this and that and she was tellling him thank you, she then did go on to tell him she was married. But i also found numerous other messages from other men, harmless conversation but long conversations. I was a little upset at this, then i remembered that when we first got together she got on yahoo messenger alot and talked to guys. I then asked for her to show me her yahoo account and things got crazy, she didnt want to show me. After 5 hours of begging and pleading i finnaly got her to show me and i was astounded at what i saw. She was webcamming with men while i was away on work, and there was a perticular man she very much enjoyed talking to. She went as far as to tell this man it was her favorite part of the day to talk to him. they shared pictures of theyre selves ( nude ) and she went on to tell him she would "leave him speachless". i was very crushed over this, just knowing my wife was somewhat emotionally envoled with this person and "wanting" him and not myself. Im not goin to say im a saint, i have not been the greatest of a husband lately. i realize i put alot of things before my wife and i realize alot has to change on my part. She told me she still loves me but we have grown apart. I would like to get things back to the way they were and i need some help, getting over this yahoo incident and help with ways to make things better , things i can do to show her i love her and still care. thank you for your help.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

If this is what you have managed to find, there must be more info that will never be found, deleted messages, conversations, etc. It seems she has found hobby which she enjoys more than putting effort into working on her marriage. What if you had not confronted her about the yahoo account? do you think she would've just stopped? Even now, just b/c you confronted her does not mean she will stop this behavior. There is no way of knowing how far she has gone or if she has even met any of these people in person. 

You want to do all you can do to make things better, when in fact,she too should be doing all she can to 'make things better'. But who knows how long this has been going on. Your neighbor thankfully gave you a heads up because she was not ever going to.

You need to look out for yourself. Be prepared to find more things if you keep looking. Sometimes people like her take a 'break' but then continue, They just get sneakier about what they do. Sometimes it's good to keep tracking and not say anything. Perhaps you should start several fake accounts and try and get at her and see what she does.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Does your cheating wife show any remorse?

Has she promised to stop the cyber-sex video shows?

Are you sure she hasn't physically fvcked any of these guys?

How did your neighbor know that your wife was being "hit on" on FB?

Does your wife work?

How long have you been married? Any kids?

I'll end with this: *Your wife's behavior is not your fault*. Don't let her blameshift. Cheating is not acceptable, and there is no excuse for it. If she wanted to fvck other guys and put on nude video shows for her cyber-boyfriends, then she should have divorced you first. I would wager that she's been doing this throughout your marriage.


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## loucollins86 (Feb 1, 2013)

true true. i dont get down with yahoo tho. i mean all these people are in other states so its more like a fantasy thing but it still hurts reading those words. i havent mentioned some things that maybe i should have. I have a serious anger issue, never violent but verbal. I have a real short fuse and i blow up on the dumbest **** without realizing it. for a while i was spending way too much time on my laptop. i was completely ignoring my wife and daughter. after sex i would immediatly hop on facebook or a game i was playing on my laptop. like my sony vaio was my wife and jess was the lazy ***** in the way. I allways have a couple of friends at the house, and i have some what of a drug problem. now since ive said those things a different light has shined on this whole situation hasnt it. Over the last week i have deactivated my facebook, 1 person was over my house for like 10 minutes yesterday and i havent really touched my laptop or phone since this has all happen. i have been spending more time with my daughter and giving my wife alot more attention. i have slowed down on my drug use but have not completely stopped. i honestly dont thing ill ever quit smoking green ( we both do that ) but my pill use has went down considerably. We have actually done family projects together and me and my wife have had straight amazing sex every night since. i just stil have the line " leave you speachless" stuck in my head. I mean i mostly need some tips on being a better husband, and things i can do special for her or activity idea to do together, we enjoy board games and art, weve ben working on two canvases together. and a puzzle. one major problem we have is a vehicle . we dont have one so were stuck in the house all day everyday. we kind of run outta **** to talk about. some conversation starters would be nice. idk what do you think?


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## loucollins86 (Feb 1, 2013)

no just this last work trip i took to the city that lasted 12 days.she didnt erase her convo history. and my neighboor knew because my wife asked him ( infront of his wife which are our bestfriends ) what she should do. but she didnt think it would get her caught up. she showed that she was upset about getting caught and i think she realized what she was doing was wrong. and she has promised to stop . i changed her passwords that night but realized it would have done no good if she really wanted to she could make a new account. so i changed them back and told her it was freewill if she got on it or not. she said she was done. im really happy in the direction of where we are goin but i need some help keeping on track and ideas on things to do together with her to keep things interesting. dinner and a movie is played out if you know what i mean.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

I don't care what you did, your taking this waaaaay to lightly and your going the have this blow up in your face if you don't hold her more accountable and cause her to have more remorse. JMHO


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## loucollins86 (Feb 1, 2013)

sorry about all the typo's i type fast and dont check


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## loucollins86 (Feb 1, 2013)

lol yall are brutal. i thought this was coping with fidelity , i didnt realize it was the blaming game thread, or the treat that ***** like the ***** she is thread lol. i just want some advice on how to keep things interesting and not boring like they have been you know.


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## loucollins86 (Feb 1, 2013)

oh lets not forget this too. i told her if she put in the password i wouldnt blow up, and we would wake up the next day like it never happen as long as it doesnt happen again. and like i said its my laptop.shes using it while im gone. i can put a pasword on it so she cant even use it but that shows no trust i dont want it to get to that.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Oh no, not another rug sweeper!


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

loucollins86 said:


> lol yall are brutal. i thought this was coping with fidelity , i didnt realize it was the blaming game thread, or the treat that ***** like the ***** she is thread lol. i just want some advice on how to keep things interesting and not boring like they have been you know.


You're apparently missing the magnitude of the problem. Some "conversations starters" aren't going to solve the your issues. 

I'm sorry.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

You're going about this the wrong way. It's not for YOU to show you trust her. It's for HER to show that she can be trusted.

Dude, she's been cyber-sexing with other men. Where's your head at? Do you realize that she was orgasming thinking about other men? Not to be harsh, but you need to see things clearly and you are not. She's addicted to this and she won't stop. I promise you. People rarely quit cold turkey. She's already looking for other ways to not get caught. Worse, she may take it from the computer to the motel room, if you catch my drift. She wants sex with other men. 

You're also rugsweeping and blaming yourself too much. Okay, you weren't the best husband. Try to make amends for that but do not enable her cheating by accepting that you were the bad guy. She's not going to to see you as this great guy overnight. She's going to think, okay he's scared. She's empowered by this.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Do you really want to play detective for the rest of your marriage? Usually when you catch a spouse once, means she evaded you a lot more. You can't truly love & respect someone & send nude pictures to other guys. Chances are she's had sex with some of them or why exchange photos?? My 1st wife cheated, I only caught her once, but she was bar hopping with friends & lying to me. Thank God she divorced me, it didn't afford me any chances to excuse her & I was better off.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

staystrong said:


> You're going about this the wrong way. It's not for YOU to show you trust her. It's for HER to show that she can be trusted.
> 
> Dude, she's been cyber-sexing with other men. Where's your head at? Do you realize that she was orgasming thinking about other men? Not to be harsh, but you need to see things clearly and you are not. She's addicted to this and she won't stop. I promise you. People rarely quit cold turkey. She's already looking for other ways to not get caught. Worse, she may take it from the computer to the motel room, if you catch my drift. She wants sex with other men.
> 
> You're also rugsweeping and blaming yourself too much. Okay, you weren't the best husband. Try to make amends for that but do not enable her cheating by accepting that you were the bad guy. She's not going to to see you as this great guy overnight. She's going to think, okay he's scared. She's empowered by this.


I know what they are saying seems harsh, but they are correct. If the other oerson doesn't feel sone remorse they won't change and the only wsy to feel remorse is for her to really understand how much she hurt you. In order to see your hurt you have to be vulnerable enough to show it. I get the feeling your an alpha take control kind of guy, that means your first instinct is to take control and fix it. Unfortunately that won't work here, she has got to change too. Interenet sex and sexting are usually the precursors to having affairs. Its the get my feet wet first befor I actually get out there and try it for real. Something you might want to remember is womens aporoach to intimacy is first the intellectual (mind) then the physical...this is why women are more accepting of long distance relationships, where men don't consider it a relationship till you actual met the person physically. So I am saying that sexting and internet sex are more serious when a women does it. My best advise would be to keep working at it..talking to her but be more cautious and don't give your trust to quickly. Let her know the impact of her actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Trust but verify. At the very least installation key logger on your laptop so you can verify the umm "chatting" with other men has stopped.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

loucollins86 said:


> Whoa, I missed this...
> She was webcamming with men while i was away on work, and there was a perticular man she very much enjoyed talking to. She went as far as to tell this man it was her favorite part of the day to talk to him. they shared pictures of theyre selves nude..


 Your wife is having an affair. Read some of the threads in CWI from guys that "got over it" the first time, the second time, the third time...get my drift? Take this seriously if you want to keep your family.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

loucollins86 said:


> lol yall are brutal. i thought this was coping with fidelity , i didnt realize it was the blaming game thread, or the treat that ***** like the ***** she is thread lol. i just want some advice on how to keep things interesting and not boring like they have been you know.



First off you need to read the newbie post that gives you some of the terms so you can understand what rug sweeping is or you can google it. I didn't see the newbie page and I googled some of the terms as they related to infidelity.

But now here comes the reality from a guy who didn't listen..

You love her ? 
You want her back ?

Then you have to do the opposite of what your thinking and listen to people here. Why ?

I will tell you why. Because everyone here told me what to do. My friends told me what to do, which was similar to what was being told here.

I didn't do that so today I am waiting for my lawyer to finish writing up the paperwork for the divorce I don't want and I am loosing the women I loved for 19 years and my 2 kids.. 

On top of all of this my wife has treated me like a piece of Sh.it as she continues to communicate with her boyfriend while I am home. 

You know why my wife is leaving me ? I was on the computer too much and I was. But from the very first day of counseling which was Sept. 29, 2012 I have not been on the computer in my home. That 27 inch iMac is collecting dust. 

The sad thing is she NEVER, EVER said a word or complained to me about it. Instead she had an affair. 

Thought computer use does not = Affair.

I will pretend it does. Computer use = Affair. 

But then why is she leaving me. Why didn't she fight for my marriage like I am. Why didn't she fight for my kids.. 

Why the fu,ck is she leaving me for this financial and insecure looser that calls my house looking for her when he can't get her on the cell phone. 

Why did he have a public page of him and a married women ( my wife ) on facebook ? Why didn't my wife object to it and tell him " Hey I'm still married, my family and friends find out it won't look nice". Instead she didn't care. 

Why is the contact picture on her iphone when he calls a picture of him and her. 

I never beat my wife, Never abused her.. Never abused the kids. We never had to cry over a dollar. 

Her sole reason was the computer.. 

Don't be me.. Trust me its not fun.. 

Don't take stuff personal. What people are trying to do is be tough for you, because you can't right now. 

Listen to what people here are telling you and do it.. You need to show her your all business and not messing around with this.. 

Look if it was cancer you wouldn't wait around 2 or 3 months right.. Well this is marriage cancer. You need to address this fast, quick and sternly..


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

loucollins86 said:


> lol yall are brutal. i thought this was coping with fidelity , i didnt realize it was the blaming game thread, or the treat that ***** like the ***** she is thread lol. i just want some advice on how to keep things interesting and not boring like they have been you know.


The best thing you've done in a long time is come to this forum and post your situation. Don't blow it by getting defensive and dismissing the advice you're going to get here. So many have gone through what you're going through. They know what's likely to work and what doesn't work. You've never experienced what's happening to you now, so you don't have any idea how to proceed. Sorry, that's just the way it is. You can flounder on your own, or follow expert advice.


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## loucollins86 (Feb 1, 2013)

lol. all i can say is wow all of you guys are bitter people. most of you have went through a divorce im guessing. your attitudes are all ****tty. I came here for help, i didnt come here to continue to be unhappy and to keep thinking badly about my wife. shes my everything, and to the comment about the alpha male thing, dude i cried my fu.ckin eyes out for 3 days , not around people , yes because i didnt want other people to see me like that but my wife did, and she held me and assured me everything was gonna be ok. I truely believe that, Im gonna do everything in my power to make that statement right, were still young we have alot of years ahead of us and when the book starts to come to an end im gonna be staring her in the eyes and will tell her i love her. @chubby man this is far from expert advice, why would i want to take advice from these bitter people, this whole fourm is a joke, alot of help here, just people wanting to pass down there depression and shame on to the next guy. i feel sorry for you people. i understand now why im not getting the advice i seek on here, a man that has fixed his marriage doesnt have to mess around on a fourm about fixing their marriage, he's living life. all of the "advice" i have recieved has been from brooding ,grey hearted people .thanks but no thanks.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wow....


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Wow....


I guess he wants a refund?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Troll ??


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

*absolutely*


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

loucollins86 said:


> lol. all i can say is wow all of you guys are bitter people. most of you have went through a divorce im guessing. your attitudes are all ****tty. I came here for help, i didnt come here to continue to be unhappy and to keep thinking badly about my wife. shes my everything, and to the comment about the alpha male thing, dude i cried my fu.ckin eyes out for 3 days , not around people , yes because i didnt want other people to see me like that but my wife did, and she held me and assured me everything was gonna be ok. I truely believe that, Im gonna do everything in my power to make that statement right, were still young we have alot of years ahead of us and when the book starts to come to an end im gonna be staring her in the eyes and will tell her i love her. @chubby man this is far from expert advice, why would i want to take advice from these bitter people, this whole fourm is a joke, alot of help here, just people wanting to pass down there depression and shame on to the next guy. i feel sorry for you people. i understand now why im not getting the advice i seek on here, a man that has fixed his marriage doesnt have to mess around on a fourm about fixing their marriage, he's living life. all of the "advice" i have recieved has been from brooding ,grey hearted people .thanks but no thanks.


Then sod off, mate. You went looking for advice, but didn't like what the people here, people who have been in your shoes, had to say because it conflicts with what you _think_ you know about your wife's nature, the content of her character and what you believe you and your marriage mean to her. As I have precisely zero compunctions about sparing your feelings, I can tell you that you're only as valuable to your wife as the material comfort that you provide her and the emotional affirmation that you cheerfully offer, that is when she even deigns to stoop to accepting it. You're free to live in your own little world where there's nothing essentially wrong with you, your wife or your marriage. Just realize that, unless you make some fundamental changes to yourself and set some non-negotiable boundaries with your wife about what you demand, not expect, from your marriage, very soon the population of that little world of yours is going to shrink to 1.


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## loucollins86 (Feb 1, 2013)

lol thank god i didnt pay for this, i would been heated. but seriously what kind of advice is that?? expert advice on holding on to hatred. this is crazy


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

loucollins86 said:


> lol thank god i didnt pay for this, i would been heated. but seriously what kind of advice is that?? expert advice on holding on to hatred. this is crazy


I take it you have not read some other stories on this forum. Read this one Going to need support: Wife cheated, starting 180 then you might have an idea. Good luck.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

loucollins86 said:


> lol thank god i didnt pay for this, i would been heated. but seriously what kind of advice is that?? expert advice on holding on to hatred. this is crazy


Aaaaaand yet, you're still here complaining about it when you could be spending time commiserating with your wife, who loves you so dearly, about how everything's going to be just peachy despite everything remaining _status quo_. You seem to be either looking for an apology or an admission that you're right to believe what you do. You'll get neither, so trot on, me son.


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## loucollins86 (Feb 1, 2013)

exactly my point "been in my shoes" , but where are they now? divorced. i was seeking advice from people who have made it through times like this and are still happy or more happy now then when they got married. not brooding people ALONE giving "expert" advice on what i should do because they have been through it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

loucollins86 said:


> lol thank god i didnt pay for this, i would been heated. but seriously what kind of advice is that?? expert advice on holding on to hatred. this is crazy


If your story is real, then I think you grossly understood what people were telling you. What you fail to grasp is human nature and common sense when dealing with people in general. When you approach someone that has seriously wronged you by trying to forget what she did to you and to then prove to her that you are willing to trust her, human nature will tell you that your wife will most likely be more likely to want to cheat on you again the next time life gets her down. How do I know this? Simple, people will not improve their behavior unless they are held accountable for their actions. 

If you feel like your best plan to reconcile is to forget these things ever happened, don't talk about them and then try to turn the page to a new life, then by all means go for it. What I expect to happen if you do this is that within a relatively short period of time your wife will either 1) cheat on you again and snow you with fake remorse or 2) ask for a separation and/or divorce from "out of the blue".


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Both of you have separate major issues. One does not excuse the other. You will destroy your marriage if you think your neglect justifies her affair and vice versa. Do your part and make her do her part. fixing only one issue won't resolve anything


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

d o c c o o l .com's forum shut down the other day... 

If you don't like the advice here, there is always Yahoo Answers! Enjoy being a cuckold with your conversation starters.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I am wondering if the OP is actually the wife posing as the husband. 

He seems a little hostile for someone that just found out that "his wife" was cheating.

Strange. Is it a full moon tonight? Lol!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Master Yoda knows what he's talking about.


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## Shift (Jan 22, 2013)

Moral of the thread. Don't do drugs folks.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Hahahahahaha! Good luck.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

loucollins86 said:


> exactly my point "been in my shoes" , but where are they now? divorced. i was seeking advice from people who have made it through times like this and are still happy or more happy now then when they got married. not brooding people ALONE giving "expert" advice on what i should do because they have been through it.



Oh lord.

I did reconcile with my wife BUT it wasn't using the method you want to use. What you want to do will end in failure because you are ignoring human nature and you believe your situation is the exception to the rule. We all use to think that and like you will soon find out, we were all wrong.

You are very much in denial and all the “negative” advice is tried and true methods of ending affairs and being able to reconcile successfully. You have to show strength once you discover an affair otherwise you end up inadvertently condoning and even enabling the affair. 

She screwed up and she knew better, if she has no negative consequences she will have no motivation to change and could end up doing this again. If she does not fear you will leave her then she is basically given the green light to experiment with cheating again.

Some people have to learn the hard way. I did and soon you will to. There are hundreds of stories on here just like yours and they all end the same way. These situations are VERY predictable.

Tough love brother, that’s the only thing that works. Don’t want to see you posting again 6 months from now telling us that we were right all along like so many other do.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

loucollins86 said:


> exactly my point "been in my shoes" , but where are they now? divorced. i was seeking advice from people who have made it through times like this and are still happy or more happy now then when they got married. not brooding people ALONE giving "expert" advice on what i should do because they have been through it.


(Ugh, I know this is a lost cause but against my better judgement I'll make one last attempt.)

This forum's purpose sir, in large part, is to help people who's spouses are cheating on them, whether emotionally or physically. Many of the posters here, including myself, are in fact in reconciliation. And the only reason they are, is because they followed the same advice you're getting.

I will almost guarantee you you will not find one poster on this board who's wife or husband cheated on them, and then "niced" their way back to wedded bliss. Those that are in successful reconciliation, will tell you that rug sweeping and taking the blame is the exact opposite way to approach someone who has cheated on you. Instead you hold them accountable then expect them to demonstrate remorse. If you choose not to follow this advice, you'll likely find out soon enough the error of your ways.

This is not Oprah. It's people who have experienced what you're going through and tell it like it is.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

loucollins86 said:


> Allmost a week ago on my way back from a work trip i found out from my neighboor that a guy was trying to hit on my wife on facebook. i asked her and she said yeah he did and she told him that she was married and not interested and the man wouldnt leave her alone. i signed into her facebook because we both have our passwords saved into the computer and found some things a little more disturbing. I found the messages from the man , and he was telling my wife that shes sexy and hott and this and that and she was tellling him thank you, she then did go on to tell him she was married. But i also found numerous other messages from other men, harmless conversation but long conversations. I was a little upset at this, then i remembered that when we first got together she got on yahoo messenger alot and talked to guys. I then asked for her to show me her yahoo account and things got crazy, she didnt want to show me. After 5 hours of begging and pleading i finnaly got her to show me and i was astounded at what i saw. She was webcamming with men while i was away on work, and there was a perticular man she very much enjoyed talking to. She went as far as to tell this man it was her favorite part of the day to talk to him. they shared pictures of theyre selves ( nude ) and she went on to tell him she would "leave him speachless". i was very crushed over this, just knowing my wife was somewhat emotionally envoled with this person and "wanting" him and not myself. Im not goin to say im a saint, i have not been the greatest of a husband lately. i realize i put alot of things before my wife and i realize alot has to change on my part. She told me she still loves me but we have grown apart. I would like to get things back to the way they were and i need some help, getting over this yahoo incident and help with ways to make things better , things i can do to show her i love her and still care. thank you for your help.


Lou

Reverse your last sentence. What is your wife going to do to show she loves you and not some stranger over a webcam.

Do you realize how nuts her behavior sounds?
Do you realize how whipped your response sounds?

Throw her webcam in the garbage. Throw her computer in the garbage.

I can guaranty you that when all of her attention is on her lousy actions and all her focus is on you your marriage will improve.

And fine, you have a few issues to deal with. Fix them. Communicate with each other.

Your wife should be banned from FB, Yahoo and the webcam for life. I bet your marriage will improve.

HM64


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

How can you say the people on here are bitter? Wow, just wow. These people have been through things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.. And their advice is friggin awesome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok, here is some constructive things you can do.

First thing is to get the book, MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER, it is not a sex msnual. You sound like sex is mot your problem but she should be getting off on sexting you instead of str angers who are no doubt posting het pictures all over the internet.

Also, google recovering deleted messages on facebook. You , may find a lot more messages.

If you have money for drugs, why do you not have money for a car? Not having acar lowers your sex rank tons.

Get help with anger management, books, group therapy, whatever.

You are doing many things that lowers your sex rank and makes you unattractive to women. When your sex rank gets out of ba lance with your wife, all you can expect is disaster.

Good luck.

Btw, many people have saved their marriages here, but face it, cheating kills marriages.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

loucollins86 said:


> lol thank god i didnt pay for this, i would been heated. but seriously what kind of advice is that?? *expert advice on holding on to hatred*. this is crazy


But these people are experts. Most of them are graduates of the ISBS: the International School of Betrayed Suckers. 

In other words, since many of the posters here have had their asses handed to them by their mates (or ex-mates), they have far more hands-on, real world experience than some self-certified pscho-babble moron on some morning talk show. They know what works and what doesn't. 

I'll stack Plan-9, Machiavelli, Happyman, Warlock and all the others who have chimed in on your issue up against Dr. Phil any day of the week. 

What you want is a quick fix, a way to make yourself more attractive and lovable to your wife. What you aren't getting is that the problem is not with you...its with her. She's in the affair fog, and she doesn't give a pint of piss how you feel about it. 

OR...you are a hairy, under-the-bridge, subterranean earth dweller with bad teeth and a propensity for getting your butt kicked by billy goats.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> But these people are experts. Most of them are graduates of the ISBS: the International School of Betrayed Suckers.
> 
> In other words, since many of the posters here have had their asses handed to them by their mates (or ex-mates), they have far more hands-on, real world experience than some self-certified pscho-babble moron on some morning talk show. They know what works and what doesn't.
> 
> ...


:iagree: I was going to type something out, but that says it all right there. Nothing more to add.


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## loucollins86 (Feb 1, 2013)

thats more of what i was looking for. and true i was in search of a quick fix but there really is no quick fix. another point made is a car puts your points up. its hard to do the whole sexting thing because weve allways shared a phone but i plan on fixing her phone soon. its just hard bein the only one that works with all the bills and yaking care of our daughter n what not. the thing is most of the post are telling me to command her to do and not do things or very negative. thats crazy. im trying to stray away from the whole incredible hulk approach. thats what i normally do with everything. i get extremely pissed off and overly verbal. i dont wanna take that route this time maybe its not right for my situation. being as though thats all i do. i mean the last tie we got into it i got takin away in cuffs. i threw all her clothes outside in the mud and threw the whole bed still wraped in sheets across the yard. that type of **** needs to stop. i wanna talk this out and maybe ill get the results i want. instead of doing the same **** and nothing gets fixed. i really never was that romantic. im a real up front type of guy no chivalry. i get chicks that hit on me all the time and they dont care if my wifes there or not you know. im not one to brag but im one of the better looking guys in my area. and i dont have any problems in bed. ive never got any complaints. and ive heard nothing but good except for this one chick who was a real *****. idk. im not tryin to knock you guys, its just i need to stray away from uncomfortablly anger confrontaion. when i get mad i blow up. like i said i dont wanna do that anymore it just causes more problems.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Who is telling you to get angry, or hulkish? 

You can be assertive and strong without being violent. 

Dude you are completely missing the point. Go back and re-read all the posts.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

loucollins86 said:


> lol yall are brutal. i thought this was coping with fidelity , i didnt realize it was the blaming game thread, or the treat that ***** like the ***** she is thread lol. i just want some advice on how to keep things interesting and not boring like they have been you know.


I get what you're asking for. But it's like asking posters how you should toast the marshmallows when you fail to realize that the flames you're using are coming from your burning house. You need the fire department not advice on marshmallow toasting.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I find it very telling that after laying out a very clear story of your wife's betrayal, you then turn on the posters using the key word

"Bitter"

I've noticed several other times that the has been used in exactly the same pattern of posting. There are a lot of words that could be used to describe the responders here, but the fact that the word bitter was used really set my scooby senses off.

In particular the posters actually aren't bitter in their posts. Strong, untrusting, and aggressive maybe, but not bitter.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

shaggy said:


> i find it very telling that after laying out a very clear story of your wife's betrayal, you then turn on the posters using the key word
> 
> "bitter"
> 
> ...


Ruh Roh!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> I find it very telling that after laying out a very clear story of your wife's betrayal, you then turn on the posters using the key word
> 
> "Bitter"
> 
> ...


He comes off like that fredmilla character. I just had to bail on that thread. 23 pages of people trying to help him and give him advice and 23 pages of him insulting people, getting defensive, or imagining slights against him whenever he hears something he doesn't agree with. I felt bad for the people who kept wasting time on him.

Don't come to a website about marriage looking for advice, and the infidelity section no less, and insult people trying to help you who've been in the exact same situation because you don't like what they have to say.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Loucollins,

I'll give you some advice. You do not have to follow anyones advice. If you feel you can do this your way so be it. 

I warn you, there have been many before you.

Trying to nice your way with the WS (wayward spouses) has been tried, tested and failed every time.

What I do *recommend* is to stick around here for a bit and read the stories that have past, the stories that will come. You will find yourself that your life is common ground for this forum and albeit yours is "mild" compared to the ones that have come across with such posters gathering some tremendous amount of eye and mouth opening evidence to their extreme fall to reality.

So, the benefit of doubt is gone, and now the fall out begins with the realization that your wife has been unfaithful. Trickle truth hurts, like Shaggy has said, its like pulling off a band-aid really slowly. Don't be the faithful spouse that ignores and founds out years later what they tried to convince themselves against. If you need evidence, you have it, follow its trail. Always listen to your gut, your instincts, your deep down "feeling".


Focus on yourself, give yourself time to think, don't listen to your emotions. Control them, let your emotions subside, and see that consequences for actions are a must. Stay healthy, do not drink, abuse drugs etc. Always remain calm, youll be on an emotional roller coaster, angry, sad, forgiving, but remember the path to reconciliation is a daily one, its not just one "I FORGIVE YOU" lets move on. No, its a daily "i forgive, i forgive, i forgive" and she has her daily work of "i repent, i regret, i repair" every day. 

Some cheaters cannot control themselves and keep testing boundaries until it is a full blow PA (physical affair) and the BS (betrayed spouse) finds out years later, and that some of his children are not his (yes it is common). WS (wayward spouses) cannot be trusted, they can't trust themselves, they need help. They cannot do it alone, and the BS needs to help them.

Reconciliation is an uphill battle from here on out! Keep working hard and hang around!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Lou,

I decided to jump in here without finishing readin the entire thread.

While what you're hearing seems harash and bitter at times, you'll probably eventually learn that this is learned wisdom and not just bitterness being spewed by brtrayed spouses.

In actuality, what these folks are trying to do is to keep YOU from making the same mistakes they made when they first discovered their spouse was involved in an affair. 

Google the term "emotional affair" and read up a bit. Spend some time reading other postings here. Some here even think an emotional affair can be worse than a physical one.

People here are trying to tell you a few very important things. They are:

-As the betrayed spouse, you'll need to know how long and to what extent this affair went on before you can truly have a shot a reconciliation

-To accomplish the first point, you'll need to investigate quietly

-Working on YOUR anger issue is very important now because the only person you can change in your relationship is you

-Marriage counseling is another step but one that shouldn't be started unless you KNOW that your wife has ceased any and all contact with her other men

-Please do not just try "and get over this" without counseling. If you do, your wife will never discover the root cause for her unfaithfulness and also will not suffer any consequences for her actions. This would show her that you can simply ger past stuff like this and she's be more inclined to do it again.

Good Luck



loucollins86 said:


> lol. all i can say is wow all of you guys are bitter people. most of you have went through a divorce im guessing. your attitudes are all ****tty. I came here for help, i didnt come here to continue to be unhappy and to keep thinking badly about my wife. shes my everything, and to the comment about the alpha male thing, dude i cried my fu.ckin eyes out for 3 days , not around people , yes because i didnt want other people to see me like that but my wife did, and she held me and assured me everything was gonna be ok. I truely believe that, Im gonna do everything in my power to make that statement right, were still young we have alot of years ahead of us and when the book starts to come to an end im gonna be staring her in the eyes and will tell her i love her. @chubby man this is far from expert advice, why would i want to take advice from these bitter people, this whole fourm is a joke, alot of help here, just people wanting to pass down there depression and shame on to the next guy. i feel sorry for you people. i understand now why im not getting the advice i seek on here, a man that has fixed his marriage doesnt have to mess around on a fourm about fixing their marriage, he's living life. all of the "advice" i have recieved has been from brooding ,grey hearted people .thanks but no thanks.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

loucollins86 said:


> Allmost a week ago on my way back from a work trip i found out from my neighboor that a guy was trying to hit on my wife on facebook. i asked her and she said yeah he did and she told him that she was married and not interested and the man wouldnt leave her alone. i signed into her facebook because we both have our passwords saved into the computer and found some things a little more disturbing. I found the messages from the man , and he was telling my wife that shes sexy and hott and this and that and she was tellling him thank you, she then did go on to tell him she was married. But i also found numerous other messages from other men, harmless conversation but long conversations. I was a little upset at this, then i remembered that when we first got together she got on yahoo messenger alot and talked to guys. I then asked for her to show me her yahoo account and things got crazy, she didnt want to show me. After 5 hours of begging and pleading i finnaly got her to show me and i was astounded at what i saw. She was webcamming with men while i was away on work, and there was a perticular man she very much enjoyed talking to. She went as far as to tell this man it was her favorite part of the day to talk to him. they shared pictures of theyre selves ( nude ) and she went on to tell him she would "leave him speachless". i was very crushed over this, just knowing my wife was somewhat emotionally envoled with this person and "wanting" him and not myself. Im not goin to say im a saint, i have not been the greatest of a husband lately. i realize i put alot of things before my wife and i realize alot has to change on my part. She told me she still loves me but we have grown apart. I would like to get things back to the way they were and i need some help, getting over this yahoo incident and help with ways to make things better , things i can do to show her i love her and still care. thank you for your help.


What the hell!!!!

Outrageous, I am sorry someone who says they love you is treating you so cruelly. It is not your fault that she chooses to express her marital dis-satisfaction by seeing other men!!

Don't blame yourself for her philandering, though you already have, but do work on improving your relationship. While I don't know the state of your relationship, it sounds like you are ready to work on it. I think that since your wife was honest with you (haven't read all the comments, perhaps you found out more unpleasant details) that you may be able to get into a good place soon.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

loucollins86 said:


> lol. all i can say is wow all of you guys are bitter people. most of you have went through a divorce im guessing. your attitudes are all ****tty. I came here for help, i didnt come here to continue to be unhappy and to keep thinking badly about my wife. shes my everything, and to the comment about the alpha male thing, dude i cried my fu.ckin eyes out for 3 days , not around people , yes because i didnt want other people to see me like that but my wife did, and she held me and assured me everything was gonna be ok. I truely believe that, Im gonna do everything in my power to make that statement right, were still young we have alot of years ahead of us and when the book starts to come to an end im gonna be staring her in the eyes and will tell her i love her. @chubby man this is far from expert advice, why would i want to take advice from these bitter people, this whole fourm is a joke, alot of help here, just people wanting to pass down there depression and shame on to the next guy. i feel sorry for you people. i understand now why im not getting the advice i seek on here, a man that has fixed his marriage doesnt have to mess around on a fourm about fixing their marriage, he's living life. all of the "advice" i have recieved has been from brooding ,grey hearted people .thanks but no thanks.


You have to consider you are getting advice from people who had been betrayed and deceived OVER AND OVER again, and have been treated by their beloved spouses as chumps and cuckolds, some for years. My wife cheated on me FOR YEARS unbeknowst to me, and eventually left me for another man. You want to avoid this happening, it hurts, bad. 

I am glad you are willing to forgive and move forward,without too much anguish, and a focus on enjoying life, but you do understand that you cannot TRUST your wife, perhaps ever again, and you should make sure the cheating does not keep happening, unless of course you are cool with an open relationship, but if that is the case, you should be allowed to have girlfriends too. 
Good luck.


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

loucollins86 said:


> Allmost a week ago on my way back from a work trip i found out from my neighboor that a guy was trying to hit on my wife on facebook. i asked her and she said yeah he did and she told him that she was married and not interested and the man wouldnt leave her alone. i signed into her facebook because we both have our passwords saved into the computer and found some things a little more disturbing. I found the messages from the man , and he was telling my wife that shes sexy and hott and this and that and she was tellling him thank you, she then did go on to tell him she was married. But i also found numerous other messages from other men, harmless conversation but long conversations. I was a little upset at this, then i remembered that when we first got together she got on yahoo messenger alot and talked to guys. I then asked for her to show me her yahoo account and things got crazy, she didnt want to show me. After 5 hours of begging and pleading i finnaly got her to show me and i was astounded at what i saw. She was webcamming with men while i was away on work, and there was a perticular man she very much enjoyed talking to. She went as far as to tell this man it was her favorite part of the day to talk to him. they shared pictures of theyre selves ( nude ) and she went on to tell him she would "leave him speachless". i was very crushed over this, just knowing my wife was somewhat emotionally envoled with this person and "wanting" him and not myself. Im not goin to say im a saint, i have not been the greatest of a husband lately. i realize i put alot of things before my wife and i realize alot has to change on my part. She told me she still loves me but we have grown apart. I would like to get things back to the way they were and i need some help, getting over this yahoo incident and help with ways to make things better , things i can do to show her i love her and still care. thank you for your help.


Does she tell you what she likes? Perhaps you could chat with her and try texting and chatting with her yourself. Maybe she will open up and tell you what she needs. You may need to do things together more often, going to a movie, dinner, surprise her with a date night? Go driving to somewhere that she and you both enjoy... Then there is the whole sex thing. 

If I was you I would demand her to get rid of her sexting friends immediately and stop all that behavior before it becomes worse... because she can become numb to it and want more, like a drug. Its how my husband started cheating on me.. he became numb to it all and needed more and more...


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lou

I am not bitter, hurt or divorced.

And you will find out in time that most of the advice is spot on.

And while many have been lied to, cheated on and crushed. You will soon realize that they have come out the other side better persons.

Some may still be in a relationship with their waywards working on reconciliation. Some others may be in better marriages. And yet some may have decided to cut their losses, remove the wayward from their lives.

But I can guarantee you that the people that knock the posters usually come back in time wishing they had listened to the general collective the first time around. And taken their advice.

Do not be one of those persons coming back later.

Keep an open mind. 

In the end the decision is yours. And no one will disagree with that statement.

Good Luck

HM64


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## loucollins86 (Feb 1, 2013)

Its been awhile since ive posted on this thread, but things have gotten alot better. i did post a new thread tho, seeking advice on how to get her to open up to me being asthough thats one of our issues we are working on. but other than that our relationship couldnt be any better. It has never been this good. I think that the inncident was a blessing in disquise. If it wouldnt have happened we would still be on the verge of divorce. Thats where we were in our relationship , I couldnt stand being around her, her voice made me want to vomit. and vice-versa. So im kinda glad she had a lil fantasy boy on yahoo. I dont want it happen again lol.. but it was for sure a blessing in disquise.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

loucollins86 said:


> Its been awhile since ive posted on this thread, but things have gotten alot better. i did post a new thread tho, seeking advice on how to get her to open up to me being asthough thats one of our issues we are working on. but other than that our relationship couldnt be any better. It has never been this good. I think that the inncident was a blessing in disquise. If it wouldnt have happened we would still be on the verge of divorce. Thats where we were in our relationship , I couldnt stand being around her, her voice made me want to vomit. and vice-versa. So im kinda glad she had a lil fantasy boy on yahoo. I dont want it happen again lol.. but it was for sure a blessing in disquise.




We'll see...


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## loveisforever (Jun 21, 2012)

Dude, you are entertaining. I am looking forward to your follow ups.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

loucollins86 said:


> lol. all i can say is wow all of you guys are bitter people. most of you have went through a divorce im guessing. your attitudes are all ****tty. I came here for help, i didnt come here to continue to be unhappy and to keep thinking badly about my wife. shes my everything, and to the comment about the alpha male thing, dude i cried my fu.ckin eyes out for 3 days , not around people , yes because i didnt want other people to see me like that but my wife did, and she held me and assured me everything was gonna be ok. I truely believe that, Im gonna do everything in my power to make that statement right, were still young we have alot of years ahead of us and when the book starts to come to an end im gonna be staring her in the eyes and will tell her i love her. @chubby man this is far from expert advice, why would i want to take advice from these bitter people, this whole fourm is a joke, alot of help here, just people wanting to pass down there depression and shame on to the next guy. i feel sorry for you people. i understand now why im not getting the advice i seek on here, a man that has fixed his marriage doesnt have to mess around on a fourm about fixing their marriage, he's living life. all of the "advice" i have recieved has been from brooding ,grey hearted people .thanks but no thanks.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

We are happy now that the past is the past, but you have a very long road ahead of you and it will be even longer if you don't start listening to the people here who have been through it.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm happy for you too, but keep your guard up, you're no way out of the woods yet. Things that involved don't magically fix themselves so quickly. We just don't want you to get further devastated.


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