# I need advice BAD



## NeedHelpBad (Jul 7, 2012)

Where to begin?

My father has prostate cancer. It has moved into his bones and he has stage 4 bone cancer with a large tumor on his spine. I promised him I would be there for him and help him fight it. I rented a house so we could be together and he could be comfortable. We are close and I love him dearly.

I was laid off my job last august. I loved my job and I was really depressed. I had also just got out of a 3 year relationship. I was lonely and feeling worthless. I began drinking heavily. I met a beautiful woman who was crazy and fun. We partied and had a blast and did a lot of crazy things. I fell in love. That was december. 

In march her and I went out drinking and partying one night and did not come home till the morning. She had entirely too much to drink and was out of control. I tried calming her down but she was screaming and causing a huge scene for over a half an hour. While I was in my room she got in her car and started racing up and down the street. She raced into the driveway and leaned on the horn for a LONG period of time. My father was extremely upset and he threw a potted plant at her car and told her to shut up. She got out of the car pissed and he turned the hose on her. The neighbors called the police and she was arrested for DUI.
Two days later she takes a pregnancy test. She is pregnant. She now despises my father for his actions and demands that we move out. I had just found a decent job but had not started yet. I had no money to move at this point. We stay at the house but she stays in the room most of the time and does not want to see my father. I am tired when I get home but she always wants to go out of the house because she has locked herself in the room all day. She refuses to make up with my father. A couple months pass and she is desperately searching for apartments. With my bills and salary at the new job I cannot afford to move anytime soon. One day my father was making noise in the garage at 8 or 830 AM and she goes out and reads him the riot act on being inconsiderate and a huge argument breaks out. The police came. Later in the afternoon another argument broke out and lots of terrible names were exchanged. The police were there as I pulled in the driveway.

My father had to take a trip to texas and was gone two weeks. He stayed with my grandparents for two weeks hoping things would calm down. He came home 4th of July morning and she packed a bad and demanded I take her to her friends. I dropped her off then she was pissed that I did not spend the day with her and would rather BBQ with my father and a few friends. She is refusing to come back unless I throw my father out. I told her I will not throw my sick father out as he is starting chemo therapy on the 18th and will need a comfortable place to recover.

She says she is not mad at me but that we have different priorities in life. She says mine is to my father but hers is to our baby. She has nowhere to go but her friends and I am not sure how long that will last. She may be without a place to stay soon. 

I am stuck in the middle of two people I love and don't know what to do.

Can somebody give me some advice, Please.


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## NeedHelpBad (Jul 7, 2012)

I do not want another man raising my daughter while I pay child support to see her every other weekend. 

My heart is breaking right now and I hate it. I am so angry at my father right now. 

I am really close with my family and they will disown me if I ask my father to move with his health condition. I would never forgive myself. 

Please somebody give me advice. What would you do in my situation?
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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

No offence but your wife is one heartless cvnt. 

Today it is your father that gets treated this way, tomorrow it'll be you. 

Don't beg or plead for her to come back. Tell her she has no room in your life until she shows respect to your dying father.


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## NeedHelpBad (Jul 7, 2012)

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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Ugh. I really dislike women who use their (and yours, presumably)unborn child as a weapon. Also people who get drunk and get hosed down and can't at least laugh about it later and act all self-righteous about it, especially when they got arrested for DUI. In that case, it's up to them to be the ice-breaker and to laugh about it to make the person who had to hose them down feel better about what they had to do. (Which was very clever.) Do what's right and feels right and stay with your dad. You know if you leave your dad or force him to do whatever, she will lose all respect for you anyway, saying you are heartless, because look what you did to your dad. You can't win either way with a woman like this. Her goal is not to make peace with you or anyone else. Her role is to get the most amount of attention possible by creating the most havoc possible and hitting people below the belt as often as she can. Then digging in the knife and twisting it. How do you possibly think you can ever make peace with this kind of person? With your dad you can find closure and a feeling of peace knowing you did the right thing, and have it be reciprocated. With the woman, you are going to get more of the same. Give her a long rope, with it she will proverbially hang herself, she will do something like another dui or whatever that will demonstrate she should not have custody of the child. So this other man raising your child, you are looking at some threat in your mind that doesn't exist. As the responsible party, of course you can ask for sole custody.


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## NeedHelpBad (Jul 7, 2012)

Thank you for your reply. That is what I told her but was not sure I was doing the right thing. She says the baby and her should be my number one priority. My life has been hell the last couple months and even though I am completely heart broken right now I feel like a huge load has been taken off me with her out of the house. 

I want to do the right thing but am confused by emotions and the help and opinion frOm someone outside the situation is extremely helpful.

Thank again
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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Your old man must have the patience of Job.

Women are like buses, there will be another along in five minutes. 

You've only got one dad.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

How much longer will her friend let her stay?


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## NeedHelpBad (Jul 7, 2012)

Thank you for another great reply and confirming my decision was right. I am feeling much better now.
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## NeedHelpBad (Jul 7, 2012)

keko said:


> How much longer will her friend let her stay?


I am not sure but she has parents and a grandma she could stay with if she could get along with them. She claims she cannot go there but I am sure she could if she had to. She told me she was probably going to find a home for her dog and go to the woman's shelter. I told her this morning that's her choice, she could learn to get along with my father and come home or go to the shelter. I felt I was being cold but I am tired of all the drama. I just cannot take anymore. I have a nice home in a nice neighborhood and if she choses a shelter I guess it's her choice. 
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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

She is a drama queen. It's her way of life. Some people are like that.

Your father doesn't need that kind of stress in his life. He has enough of a battle on his hands, more of a battle than anyone should have to endure. The kind of constant stress she will bring him could send him to an early grave. His immune system is in shock, and the chemo will make it worse. He needs rest and peace. She doesn't know what those words mean.

Under ordinary circumstances, there wouldn't be any question of your priorities because, under ordinary circumstances, a mentally/emotionally healthy woman wouldn't cause all these escalations. Therefore, your priority is with your father because your female is never going to change. If it weren't your dad, it would be someone else. I expect there will soon be some kind of problems where she's living right now, if not already. There will be problems wherever she lives.

Take care of your dad and concentrate on his care. Girlfriend is wild and will never change. You are not obligated to fix her because you cannot fix her. You are also not obligated to try running after all her problems. They will never end. Too bad there is a baby on the way. You may be happy about it, but no child deserves to be brought into that kind of life.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

> ………She now despises my father for his actions and demands that we move out. I had just found a decent job but had not started yet. I had no money to move at this point.
> .......…she packed a bad and demanded I take her to her friends. I dropped her off


Whose house are you living in?

No offense but your wife sounds completely immature and juvenille. Adults fight but they also make up with each other. Its like she is throwing a tantrum. How old is she? 

You seem to be in a bit of a pickle though. You have made a commitment to your dad which is commendable but you also have a responsibility to ur kid. Your wife isn't being fair by making you choose between the 2.
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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

bluelaser said:


> Whose house are you living in?
> 
> No offense but your wife sounds completely immature and juvenille. Adults fight but they also make up with each other. Its like she is throwing a tantrum. How old is she?
> 
> ...



I agree with the others. This woman is bad news. Why be angry with your father? He's acting like an adult. She's acting like a kid. She was mad because he mad some noise at 8 in the morning? Boo hoo....poor thing couldn't sleep late. This woman is only going to bring you drama and suffering.
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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are lucky she has "self selected" to get herself out of your life. An inability to accept that SHE was in the wrong, and HE was right to call her out on it, call the police, and get her safely under control, is sign that she has serious issues-maybe boderline personallity type issues (BPD), and you do NOT want that in your life.

If your ex GF continues to party, your child may have life-long alcohol related deficits (Fetal Alcholol Affect/Syndrome). More importantly, if she is unable or unwilling to give up a party lifestyle for the sake of her child, it will put the child at risk. do not hesitate to use the police to document her use of alcohol--have her arrested if you find her with the child and she is drunk (child endangerment). You cannot and should not aim to prevent your child from ever seeing her mom, but to guarantee only supervised visit until a time when her mom is sober enough to be in charge. 

That's the long range issue I see her. Short term (until baby is born), just be glad you are out of this mess. Prayers going out for your dad; God bless.


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## NeedHelpBad (Jul 7, 2012)

It gets worse.

She is a completely different person when she drunk and she has vowed to never drink again. She is seriously like jekyll and hyde. Sober she is kind, nice, sweet and great to me. Treats me awesome and shows me nothing but love and affection. But she despises my father. When we were partying a lot we did some crazy things. I had just got out of a relationship with no sex at all. I found out she liked to fool around with other women when she was drunk and it got me interested in the possibilities. We tried the swinger life for a short while and there is a chance the baby is not mine. I thought the baby was conceived earlier than the the time it was. We were at the ultrasound and I saw the baby and heard her heart beat. I then found out the baby was conceived on a weekend where we had exchanged partners. She did not want to keep the baby but after hearing the heartbeat I could not bring myself to terminate the pregnancy. I could not live with that on my conscious for the rest of my life. I told her we will pretend that weekend never happened. I was prepared to take responsibility for the child. Evil rumors were spread around about our endeavor and it got back to my family. They instantly judged her and want nothing to do with her ever. I talked her into keeping the baby now I feel as if I am deserting her. She told me yesterday she feels betrayed and I feel like I am betraying her. I do love her and care about her and have promised to be there for her and to start a life and family with her.When I met her she did not even want children. I feel like a total piece of crap...

I was raised to believe and am a strong believer that a man is only as good as his word. I gave my word to two people and I am going to have to make a decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life.*

Note:
At the time we were consuming mass quantities of alcohol daily and our judgement was completely impaired.
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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So have BOTH of you STOPPED drinking???? 

DO NOT take responsibility for this baby until you are 100% positively SURE it is yours. This woman is nothing but trouble. If you sign your name to that birth certificate you are sentencing yourself to a whole life of misery.

My advice is to cut off all contact with this woman until she has a paternity test done on the baby to determine who the father is. I don't know when that can be done, if it even can be, before the baby's born.

If the baby does turn out to be yours, do what you can as it's father, but do NOT let that suck you back into a relationship with this woman. 

And smarten up. You sound young. If you were my kid I'd be pissed right off with the decisions you've been making lately.


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## NeedHelpBad (Jul 7, 2012)

I have been drinking beer every day since I was a senior in high school. I used alcohol to mask social anxiety, anxiety disorder and depression all these years. I am now 36 y/o. I have been sober since the day she got the DUI and realize all my problems are caused by alcohol and I do not want to go back to that life. I did drink on the 4th of July but it was a one day event and I have no desire to drink again. I have never had to deal with life as a sober person and I find it overwhelming. I am heartbroken, confused, scared and extremely depressed. I appreciate all the advice and it has helped me with my decisions tremendously. 

I want to do what is right for me, my father, the baby and the woman I promiised the world. I cannot please everyone but this forum has helped me make the right decision. 

Thank you for the responses.
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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has she stopped drinking?

Good for you for stopping. Are you attending a support group?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is she your wife, or a girlfriend? And she's drinking heavily while pregnant?

You, my friend, are in for a rough ride no matter what you chose. Just my opinion... But I'd stick with my father, in your situation. He needs you more, and I think your GF will be a psycho *itch no matter what.

C
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## NeedHelpBad (Jul 7, 2012)

Fiance. We were going to get married before the baby gets here. Yes she has quit. She said dhe is never drinking again after the dui. I have not used a support group. I have bad anxiety and cannot even imagine being in that type of group setting. I have read for hours and hours online. One thing I read was a guy in his late 50's who said he quit and felt great but his body was so deteriated from years of drinking that he cannot do any of the things he wants to. I am an active person and could not imagine how horrible that would be. I can do itbecause I do not want to be in his situation... I don't even want to be in my situation and alcohol abuse is the reason.

All the bad relationships, all the legal problems, ll the heartache and all the money I wasted can all be contributed to my alcohol problem. I am through with that crap!

I have always got myself into these relationships where we are completely disgustingly absorbed with each other. Family and friends don't approve, the whole world could be falling apart but we are obsessed with each other and could care less. I hang on to them through thick and thin and abuse and misery In hope that they won't leave me because how could anybody love such a screwed up, depressed alcoholic? It is nearly impossible for me to break up with someone. If I do it usually does not last long until I am completely wrapped back up into the crap I was in before. I hate myself for it. I cannot stay strong to be firm. I care how they feel and don't want them to hurt. I care what their family thinks of me and stay to look like a good guy. I cannot understand why I put myself through such torture time and time again. I finally broke off a miserable relationship of three years only to jump directly into this mess. I have a fear if being alone in my later years but just want to be alone the whole time I'm in these relationships. I make myself completely miserable over and over and over. 

I am told I am a good looking guy. I have never had any problem getting a good looking woman in fact the one I am involved with now gets asked if she is a model all the time. Shi* always hits the fan and I always end up feeling just how I am right now. Sad, miserable, confused and heartbroken. 

I just locked myself in a closet at work and cried hysterically for 30 min. I called shrink and they said they will try to get me in by Wednesday. I need help now. I have never had this happen before. My life is a complete disaster!

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## NeedHelpBad (Jul 7, 2012)

I saw a psychiatrist and I guess my symptoms are straight out of the text book for bipolar. I started medication and feel a lot better. My anxiety has subsided drastically and my thoughts are clearer. My fiancé has completely cut me out of her life and will not respond to my texts or e mails. It's for the best. I guess there is nothing I can do until the baby is born and I can get a DNA test.

Thank you everyone for helping me make my decision and reinforcing my thoughts. I seriously could not have done it with the help of this forum.
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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

NeedHelpBad said:


> My fiancé has completely cut me out of her life and will not respond to my texts or e mails. It's for the best.


That is probably a blessing in disguise for now. She may not like your dad, but really, his intervention when she was bonkers was probably the catalyst in both of you stopping drinking and associated nonsense.

I am glad the medication is making you feel more emotionally stable. You never know, you both may get to a different place once the baby is born but for now I am glad to hear you are with your dad. Are you still angry with him or are you good?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

weel MHO is you are crazy if you marry this person..... until both of you get some .....


na I wouldn't marry her ever no matter how she changed! move on and show your father he raised a smart kid.


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## NeedHelpBad (Jul 7, 2012)

I have not talked to her in a week. She was calling and texting me all day and I was ignoring it. She said it was extremely important so I finally answered, she said she is filing for cash aid and they wanted to know who the father is. She insisted she did not know and she said it was some guy she met at a party. The truth. They grilled her and wanted dates and addresses so she said its me. She said they are going to garnish my wages for $600 s month. After hearing the date of conception and knowing I was not intimate with her for a few days before and a few days after I am pretty certain I am not the father. I am a stand up guy and will do what's right for my child. I will fight for full custody and take care of my child. I do not want to pay for someone else's mistake though. 

Can they garnish my wages with no proof the baby is mine? 

She put herself in this position and I do not feel I owe her anything at this point. I already gave her a Place to live, food, rides everywhere she needed to go, clothes, everything she needed. She just could not get along.
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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You're not legally married so you and the baby will need to be DNA tested if both matches only then you're wages can be garnished. Start reading your state laws on this right away.
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## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

You will regret not doing all you could for your father in the grand scheme of things. She is ridiculous. She obviously can't see that your priorities are in the right order...let her cry about it. Comfort your father.


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