# Feeling Alone



## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

Hello - I'm married but very lonely. My hb treats me more like a great friend then a wife. We don't talk about personal things, we hardly communicate and sex is like it's a bad thing. He acts all nervous when we have sex and never comes to me and tells me he wants to have sex. 

I wish there was someway to just talk to a male friend even if just online. I'm not saying I want an affair but to talk to a male at least and hear some kind words it what I've been longing for.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

Red flags are going up! You are saying you want an emotional affair. I am in your same situation. There are healthier ways of handling this situation. 

Think about your husband. Do you think he wants his wife finding attention in other places? You need to let him know about your longing for him. It is absolutely wrong to look for it in other places you are only going to make everything worse. Don't do it. If you are so unhappy communicate it, give it time to work itself out. Give your husband a chance, or leave. Don't sneak around and fall in love with someone else. It's a fantasy. Good luck


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

misty rain said:


> Hello - I'm married but very lonely. My hb treats me more like a great friend then a wife. We don't talk about personal things, we hardly communicate and sex is like it's a bad thing. He acts all nervous when we have sex and never comes to me and tells me he wants to have sex.
> 
> I wish there was someway to just talk to a male friend even if just online. I'm not saying I want an affair but to talk to a male at least and hear some kind words it what I've been longing for.
> 
> Does anyone else ever feel like this?


Misty rain..... it might sound a bit 'out there' but why not show your husband your post....or at least tell him what you said. Does he have a real idea of how sad and lonely you are.

I believe that most men want very much to contribute to their wives happiness.

Looking to another man will just complicate things... if you want to fix your marriage you need to concentrate your time and energy on the man you're married to...no-one else.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

misty rain said:


> Hello - I'm married but very lonely. My hb treats me more like a great friend then a wife. We don't talk about personal things, we hardly communicate and sex is like it's a bad thing. He acts all nervous when we have sex and never comes to me and tells me he wants to have sex.


Are you contributing to this dynamic? If you don't talk about personal things and you don't communicate, you probably haven't told him how lonely you feel. Start talking to him about personal things, things like you are feeling lonely. Open the doors of communication by talking. Send him emails if you need to. That will give you both time to think about what's being said. 

Make plans to spend more time together doing fun stuff. Go outside and make a snowman or go sledding, then take a hot shower together. Go to a hockey game or a holiday concert or the kinds of things you did when you were dating. Flirt with him like you probably did when dating. Start kissing him in the kitchen and drag him to the bedroom, taking off his clothes as you go - show him that you feel passion for him and that might make him less nervous about sex with you. Try to bring back some of the fun in your relationship.



> I wish there was someway to just talk to a male friend even if just online. I'm not saying I want an affair but to talk to a male at least and hear some kind words it what I've been longing for.


You don't want a male friend to talk to. You want a man who flatters you and flirts and finds you charming and funny and makes you feel good about yourself. You aren't getting that lovin' feeling and validation from your H right now. 



> Does anyone else ever feel like this?


I suspect a lot of people feel like this, at times. Good marriages take work, which means recognizing when you're standing too close to the edge and need to get a grip.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

The advice given by these ladies is accurate. i write as a husband of 25 years to a wonderful wife.
I would want to know how you feel if you were my wife, certainly.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

What else is going on? How long have you been married? Are there children involved?

We have been married 21 years. We have four children. Marriage is very, very hard work. It's like a second full time job, especially for us women because we are creatures of the heart.

It is VERY normal to have valleys and sometimes boredom and loneliness in marriage. You have got to look at the bigger picture to help pull you through. 

Can you think as to why your sex life has changed?


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

You should read my thread. 
I was in your situation and I wanted the same thing and I DID it. 
It felt great temporary but it was pointless and did more damage than good. 

I wish I came here when I was in your emotional stage. The lonely feeling is terrible. I am sorry.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/148018-i-had-ea.html


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

Yes I have talked until my face was blue. He apologizes and says he will work on it but he never does. I speak very open and honest about how I am feeling to him and he always has an excuse. I do need to feel flattered your right.
I am 45 and two adult children. He has one adult child and is 50 and she has nothing to do with him. He was a good dad and was there for her when she was younger but when she turned an adult and he wasn't handing over money to her anymore, she didn't talk to him anymore.
We have been together 5 years.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Sounds like a future walk away wife. You express and express (likely in the same way every time) and he never truly listens nor does he have motivation or desire to change.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

misty rain said:


> Hello - I'm married but very lonely. My hb treats me more like a great friend then a wife. We don't talk about personal things, we hardly communicate and sex is like it's a bad thing. He acts all nervous when we have sex and never comes to me and tells me he wants to have sex.
> 
> I wish there was someway to just talk to a male friend even if just online.


There is. It's just not a good idea.



> I'm not saying I want an affair but to talk to a male at least and hear some kind words it what I've been longing for.


It IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT. This is called an Emotional Affair. 



> Does anyone else ever feel like this?


No, because when my wife and I had our one little blip of an issue where we struggled communicating with each other, we went to counseling.

Have you gone to counseling, have you explained how important this is to you to your husband. Have you told him you're looking for other male attention because you don't feel fulfilled by him.

There are many neglectful husbands but there are also many women who live for fantasy and will NEVER be satisfied with reality. Which one are you HONESTLY?!?!


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

misty rain said:


> *Yes I have talked until my face was blue. He apologizes and says he will work on it but he never does.* I speak very open and honest about how I am feeling to him and he always has an excuse. I do need to feel flattered your right.
> I am 45 and two adult children. He has one adult child and is 50 and she has nothing to do with him. He was a good dad and was there for her when she was younger but when she turned an adult and he wasn't handing over money to her anymore, she didn't talk to him anymore.
> We have been together 5 years.


Well, it's time to try something different, then. You've tried the same thing over and over, and that hasn't worked.


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## Mistyfied (Sep 27, 2013)

I feel for you. I'm in the same place and have given up trying to be heard. What has helped me is finding outside and in house interests. Seeking emotional satisfaction with another man is a slippery slope and best avoided.


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> There is. It's just not a good idea.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## misty rain (Dec 27, 2013)

Mistyfied said:


> I feel for you. I'm in the same place and have given up trying to be heard. What has helped me is finding outside and in house interests. Seeking emotional satisfaction with another man is a slippery slope and best avoided.


Thank you ... I do know it's a slippery slope.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

misty, I think you were really brave to just come here and spill your heart to everyone. One of the best things you can do when you are overwhelmed is to just start talking and let it all come out, just as you feel it.

While people were pretty hard and clear with you, I really think it is because they have your best interests at heart. There are so many stories of an EA leading to a PA and then all the destruction that brings on this site. Nobody wants that for you. Everybody wants you to be happy, but seeking male attention will not bring happiness.

Setting some boundaries with your dh might. Letting him know just how desperate you feel, and being completely transparent with him is a start. Then you need to tell him exactly what you expect of him, and let him know the consequences if he does not comply. 

Really think about those consequences. If you feel that if your emotional needs do not start getting met, you are going to end up not only going to the edge of the abyss, but actually choosing to fall in (it is a choice, face up to that; it will save you a lot of heartache) tell him. Better to set a timeline and if you do not feel the needs are met sufficiently by then, maybe you need to separate or initiate a divorce. Some men will only respond when they absolutely have to.

I can't speak to the sex issues. Do you think he is having an affair? Is that why he is avoiding it and seems nervous?

Hey, I feel for you, misty. My husband has always made his work a big priority and then when we had our kids, they were a big priority to him, too. I came right after the kids, but I still knew I came behind work and the kids. It is frustrating. 

But that was in my thirties. In my forties now, dh is around even less (great job, but requires lots of travel) but I just don't feel that same desire for male attention like when I was younger. I have a great guy and I know it. 

Actually, just making some friends with other moms would be great for me, lol. Slowly, but surely. I am starting to reach out more and yesterday I actually got an invitation to go for coffee with another mom of 5!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> misty, I think you were really brave to just come here and spill your heart to everyone. One of the best things you can do when you are overwhelmed is to just start talking and let it all come out, just as you feel it.


 you could also sit down & write your feelings out.......and read the letter to him face to face... take your time, speak what you need .. share the good times, along with what you are feeling now ...and where you want to go...ask what he NEEDS from you...Be open to work with him... 

Sounds you married 5 yrs ago.. was he more "personable" in the beginning....the sex life more frequent and enjoyable ? What do YOU feel has happened to bring you to this place... work stress, finances, children problems, ongoing arguments not resolved ??

Missing each others Love Languages? this happens oftentimes... we express and feel loved in different ways and our partners aren't understanding this .....Generally when a couple slowly slips apart... they are feeding off of growing resentments somewhere , unless one is just really lazy and oblivious....



> *Setting some boundaries with your dh might. Letting him know just how desperate you feel, and being completely transparent with him is a start. Then you need to tell him exactly what you expect of him, and let him know the consequences if he does not comply.
> 
> Really think about those consequences. If you feel that if your emotional needs do not start getting met, you are going to end up not only going to the edge of the abyss, but actually choosing to fall in (it is a choice, face up to that; it will save you a lot of heartache) tell him. Better to set a timeline and if you do not feel the needs are met sufficiently by then, maybe you need to separate or initiate a divorce. Some men will only respond when they absolutely have to.*


 I couldn't agree more with all of this right here...

Can you give us some idea to a normal day... your interactions with him....how much time you spend together.. what he does for his hobbies, does he put his job, his friends, his hobbies before you..when you talk, what you talk about... how he shuts you down and you feel unheard, rejected.... how much sex you have...what he wants in the bedroom, does he struggle with ED ?

Trying to understand, some glimmer of hope...if you have something workable to work WITH .. what happened here in these last 5 yrs.


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## thegreenfairy (Jan 2, 2014)

i am in the exact same situation myself...and i know how very hard it is always having to be the one who brings everything up....i have done so with my once attentive husband for over 2 years and nothing has changed....and i have also told him how lonely i feel within our marriage and i still am....i developed an online friendship with a man and stupidly ended up falling for his words....only to end up hurt even worse....trust me when i tell you the attention is lovely but it can be very very messy,especially when you are already unhappy....i ended up having yet another conversation with my husband 3 weeks back and laid it all out to him....to the point where i said that his indifference to my needs and problems have costed him my respect and with that my love....we are like friends living in a house also and believe me i have tried and begged to get things back on track....unfortunatly some men (and women) are just either too lazy or too complacent to try and hold onto the most precious thing they could own and thats your love and respect.....dont go down the online road....take it from me,it will mess your head up,take care and good luck xxxx


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