# Annoyed, but still married.



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

After looking through the thread, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/72199-there-things-your-spouse-does-irritate-annoy-you-greatly.html I’m curious if these are big deals with posters that could lead to divorce? There were things like being judgemental, coming to bed late, poor communication, noisy chewing,financial differences, and the list goes on. 

My x wife divorced me a few years ago for reasons in the same category, irritants. I’m not saying we had all these issues, but it was things in the same category. In other words, not something I consider would drive a person to divorce, but annoyances. I’m sure it runs a little deeper, but if you ask her to give reasons as to why she divorced me, you’d hear a list of similar things. 

We divorced after 18 years and I have beat that horse to death on this forum as to why we divorced. I am puzzled as to how some people go for years with what I would call “real issues,” but they never consider divorce, somehow things get better, and they live a happy life. My wife, however, thought divorce was the answer. Someone mentioned that one reason my marriage didn’t work is perhaps that we just annoyed each other too much over the years. 

So, for those of you whose spouse has habits that annoy you, could this lead to divorce if not corrected? Does it annoy you that much, or does the thought of divorce over those issues seem silly?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I am not married but I will chime in anyway. I think what might be an irritant to one person may not be to another. I also think people should have deal breakers in marriages. For me, things like abuse ( of any kind) cheating, a spouse who wont get help for certain mental issues etc, those to me are things that could lead to divorce. 

Chewing to loud, coming to bed late, etc, IMO for me wouldn't likely be ground for divorce. I think it might be all in what a person is willing and not willing to allow in their relationship.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> I am not married but I will chime in anyway. I think what might be an irritant to one person may not be to another. I also think people should have deal breakers in marriages. For me, things like abuse ( of any kind) cheating, a spouse who wont get help for certain mental issues etc, those to me are things that could lead to divorce.
> 
> Chewing to loud, coming to bed late, etc, IMO for me wouldn't likely be ground for divorce. I think it might be all in what a person is willing and not willing to allow in their relationship.


I agree 100% with your deal-breakers, and those are the ones i always had in mind. That's why i was so shocked that what seemed like much more minor issues could drive someone to divorce. I have come to accept that what seems minor to one can be major to another. It's still difficult, however, to override what one has believed all their life.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think there can be a snowball effect. Minor irritants can become a big ball of anger and resentment over time, which can lead to detachment and then divorce.

Face it - we all do irritating things. How the other partner deals with it is a reflection of how much goodwill they have toward each other.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm on my second rodeo 

I think in long marriages people either grow to like their partner more & more & can overlook annoyances & irritants or the opposite....the annoyances & irritants are magnified because people grow so far apart & don't really "like" each anymore.

I don't know your story Southbound but am so sorry your wife decided to divorce you. The pain is excruciating.


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## HWW2020 (Jun 15, 2013)

I think a set of annoyances would become a significant "problem" for me only if I couldn't find a way to find them funny or endearing, and my spouse ignored or dismissed any request to lessen their effect. The latter to me would show a lack of consideration or respect -- THOSE last two could become dealbreakers, not the original little grievance. My husband and I have on several occasions over the years "traded" annoyances -- I'll stop this if you stop that. But it's only been 3 or 4 times in nearly 40 years. That tool used too often could lead spouses to keep a list of things the other needs to fix, and it's much more joyful to keep of list of things to cherish and savor. So for the 1,873rd time I just refilled the TP dispenser. No problemo.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Does the good outweigh the bad? My wife has plenty of annoying habits. On balance, her good tendencies far exceed them. She says the same about me. That doesn't mean we don't want to beat each other with tire irons once in a while but overall, the good more than makes up for the annoyances.

I think annoyances can lead to long term trouble but if they do, that is probably a symptom, not a cause, of greater problems in the union.

For my own part, these days I try to let the less annoying stuff go. Most of it is just noise when compared to the million megawatt signal that is our love for each other.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

I don't think minor irritants become a big issues unless they are amplified by another, much larger issue. 

If someone would really divorce because their spouse chews too loud, has an annoying laugh or doesn't replace the toilet paper....then the problem is really with them. We're called to love our spouses, and with people come imperfections. If you can't love an imperfect person, you have no business in a marriage anyway.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

This really made me think and made me chuckle at the same time. After 28 years I think I just overlook all those little things that may have bothered me.

We did have a completely dishonest discussion about it last night and it was funny to me: 

It drives her crazy that I leave my tools where I finish a job (sometimes for months). 

I hate it that she and the kids leave there shoes in the front entry. 

We both lied to one another about these facts for about 10 minutes because we both knew they were true but refused to take responsibility. I just looked out my window to see my shovel still not put back in the shed (it has been leaning against the wall since fall) and her shoes are still in the entry way. 

At the end of the day we are just a couple of slobs that do not give a damn.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RClawson said:


> It drives her crazy that I leave my tools where I finish a job (sometimes for months).
> 
> I hate it that she and the kids leave there shoes in the front entry.
> 
> ...


I got a good  out of this myself .... just a couple lazy red necks, that's all...


If this was us and it got a little heated...it might go something like this...

I will come at him telling him if he doesn't go put that shovel away (after I've been after him for a few days)...that he better be prepared cause I am going to ram it up where the sun don't shine... he'd say "OH yeah"... then he'd tell me what he is going to do with my shoes.... at this point, the hormones are getting stirred...he might grab me... we fall down laughing......then realize how silly it all is.... then a little later.. we might say..."But seriously" and agree to try harder to put these things away...or find a new way to organize to inspire the change... 

I annoyed him once when I was helping him shovel snow...after an hour or so, we meet in the middle of the driveway shoveling towards each other (the plow broke)....he tells me in so many words I was doing a lousy job...I am thinking "the nerve of him , I am out here busting my butt" - I wasn't really mad though...so I come after him with my shovel...... He says... "come on give it to me baby - you are turning me on" - it was hilarious...It was great FUN! 

So then I listened, was a good wife and tried to not be so sloppy as I finished. 



> *HWW2020 said*: I think a set of annoyances would become a significant "problem" for me only if I couldn't find a way to find them funny or endearing, and my spouse ignored or dismissed any request to lessen their effect. The latter to me would show a lack of consideration or respect.


 :iagree:


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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

Those little problems really get under your skin when the spouse leaves you to clean up allll the messes and feel alone in something you want to be a partnership. You argue about the annoyances while the huge problems are gnawing a hole in your heart that will eventually kill the marriage. If you refuse to listen or try to fix the big issues between you, you will get divorced or live separate lives. 23rd yr to date.


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