# A little something to think about, regarding Love



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I saw this article yesterday, and thought it was another of those scientific studies legitimizing infidelity. But it's not. It actually left me feeling kind of hopeful for a better future post-divorce (a period which starts for me on February 14th ). 

There's No Such Thing As Everlasting Love (According to Science)

I'm interested to hear your comments, TAMers. Lay 'em on me.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

So much for Romantacism. 

I don't doubt some of her mechanics but the synopsis reads like all that bs semiotics post-structural theory that was popular in academia in the... Well, when I was young. 

I don't think discrete intimacies are the same as long tail emotion. Can't say more without reading her more which I have little interest in. 

That said, welcome to the Used Lovers Forum, AP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Um, thanks? 

The part I took away was the part about the loving-kindness meditation. I like the idea of being able to initiate change in myself instead of just being powerlessly subjected to electrical impulses and a chemical c0cktail of hormones and neurotransmitters. Especially when the result leaves one with a higher capacity to experience and show love. No, it's not the same as the type of relationship we all desire when we think of falling in love, but connectedness is nothing to turn up one's nose at. And, unfortunately, too many of us here know all too well how that other love often turns out.

On the other hand, if one _is_ able to become more attuned to love around them, perhaps that will result in an increased openness to 'long-tail' emotional entanglements as well.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

This all reduces down to smiling makes you happy. I'm all for creating care and joy. 

So there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

OK, then. My faith in you as a human being has been restored. I'm happy now.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

See "Happy" on Netflix.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

My friend and I were just talking about this. How its crazy that relationships and 'love' are nothing but a bunch of chemicals. It was sort of a depressing conversation. I mean just to think that any relationship can/will fail if those chemical impulses are left to die. 

Came to the conclusion that if you have a connection with someone and understand those chemical thingies that 2 people can make the relationship last as long as that 'soup' keeps a mixing. I would like to think that love is more than that but sometimes its hard to see it anything more than chemicals, especially reading story after story on TAM. 

So applying that chemical knowledge in a relationship with someone you can connect with on an intimate level should equal lasting love, right? 

I do like how this article talks about just being social and happy and connecting with people on a daily basis. Not necessarily for the "love" aspect, but for the human experience aspect. I find there is nothing better than having a good conversation with an interesting stranger. You can learn the coolest things about life you would have never learned by being a closed off hermit.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> I find there is nothing better than having a good conversation with an interesting stranger.


well then... you aught to come around more often.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> well then... you aught to come around more often.


:smthumbup:

I do have to say some of the most interesting strangers I have met have been on TAM. 

Since I left my ex, I have engaged in small talk with strangers everywhere I go. At the store, at the bar, at a restaurant...wherever. I have met some very intersting, funny, and kind hearted people along the way. This is something that I could NEVER do while with the ex. He didn't like people, let alone strangers, said no one could be trusted and he hated engaging in small talk of any kind. And if I smiled or waved at anyone or decided to chit chat, I would get the 3rd degree. And if I smiled at a guy...whoa boy, forget it! So what I learned to avoid was contact with strangers for the past 10 years. I have to say, being a social person it is great to be free from that environment 

I'm glad he taught me a red flag to look out for. People who don't trust the general public to even engage in a friendly wave, smile or "hello".


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It is interesting the things we learned from our exes, yeah? Not the things they thought they'd be teaching us, either. :rofl:


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> It is interesting the things we learned from our exes, yeah? Not the things they thought they'd be teaching us, either. :rofl:


Oh my gosh, you aren't kidding!!! 

I do have to thank him for teaching me football though. It is a great asset to have as a girl (and yes, I do enjoy watching it as well)

Thanks Ex for all of you knowledge of the universe you have bestowed upon me!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Love thy neighbor.

Okay, I used a quote from the Bible. I posted something similar to what I am about to say in another thread. I think we need to try to "love" as many folks as we can. I think it is essential to our happiness. This loving kindness you are talking about is key in my opinion. I think I must "shake hands" with many, like the song said. 

I believe these short bursts of chemicals we feel are a product of feeling loved and loving. I think they are essential to a long term relationship.

I also think this article borders on condoning relationships where we are married to one and having sex with many. Just my skewed personal opinion. The thing is, we have a logical brain which we can use to control how far we take these relationships. We can continually spruce up our relationship with our husband or wife and keep producing these brain chemicals which cause that feeling of love. It is a commitment to ourselves and our SO.

More and more I see how we as humans want to prove everything we have already known. Until it is scientifically proven and we can define things in new terms we just don't accept what we know to be true. We look for excuses to deal with our faults and prove them with science.

Love thy neighbor. Love as many as you can. Not everyone deserves it. Some will not receive it. We do the best we can. I like the article. It makes some interesting points. Thank you, AP.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It's interesting that you had those thoughts about the marriage/sex aspect. I didn't see that at all. In fact, it was the near absence of mention of a sexual connection that struck me. I took her to define love as broader than a sexual or romantic intimacy. And that people who only define love as being romantic or sexual are actually closing themselves off from experiencing the very thing they want.

Thanks for posting your thoughts, 2nt, vi, and O. I was hoping this would generate a good discussion.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Well, I'm not sure I got my position across very well. I guess what I am saying is we can feel loved by doing lovingly kind acts for others, not including sex. I think we can boost how much love we feel by these acts.

As far as my mention of sex is concerned, I am of the notion at this point in time with all of the stuff I have read, that the world is changing and the need for marriage is trying to be destroyed bit by bit. I always believed in a long lasting love; a deep feeling which came from the love we give to our SO and are graced with by our SO. This love comes in many forms. All of which I believe are essential to a good, long lasting, loving relationship.

The love we give to our neighbor is something a little different. I think we all need this kind of love also. I just think it is a little different simply because we don't include sex in those relationships.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I hear you. When I first saw the headline, in fact, I thought for sure it was going to be another article giving scientific proof that humans can't or weren't meant to be monogamous.  As if there isn't such a thing as willpower.


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## eldubya (Aug 23, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I saw this article yesterday, and thought it was another of those scientific studies legitimizing infidelity. But it's not. It actually left me feeling kind of hopeful for a better future post-divorce (a period which starts for me on February 14th ).
> 
> There's No Such Thing As Everlasting Love (According to Science)
> 
> I'm interested to hear your comments, TAMers. Lay 'em on me.


Wow! I just read the article linked and couldn't agree more!I agree with the statement that we are raised on a love myth....that you have to be passionately in love with your soul mate and that's the only way you will experience true love. What total crap! The romantic sex attraction thing is there to ensure we procreate. The other stronger version of love is there to ensure our survival!


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks for article Angel. It seems we have something in common on Vday! That's when my 60-day wait ends. wocka wocka.

I liked the article. This line stood out to me, "You have to physically be with the person to experience the micro-moment. "

And this, "But in some rare cases, if the listener was particularly tuned in to the story—if he was hanging on to every word of the story and really got it—his brain activity actually anticipated the story-teller's in some cortical areas."

When our M was good and we were around each other a lot, X and I used to finish each other's sentences frequently. This last year we had completely incompatible schedules, rarely seeing each other. She rarely saw her daughter either (1/2 hr a day during the week). I really think this had a huge part in her detachment from us... simply the time away physically. 

It do see the article in a positive light though. I've always though marriage was more about the commitment than the warm fuzzies. And we can definitely feel those moments of love or joy when out and about. 

I thoroughly enjoy the 5 minutes I get to chat with the cute little sandwich maker at subway, and leave a busy supermarket smiling rather than frustrated after having a pleasant little conversation with a clerk - male, female, old, doesn't matter.


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