# What the BS are doing to have a positive outlook of life?



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

After my WS EA mess, my outlook towards life is very bitter/pessimistic. Pls share your thoughts and day-to-day activities which you’re doing to have a positive outlook towards life.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I used to be able to watch TV, play video games... I still can't do those things, TV bores me, video games no desire... I love sports, can't watch sports.. don't care about playoffs, standings... I tried drawing... playing guitar... neither giving me pleasure.... Good question.


----------



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

russell28 said:


> I used to be able to watch TV, play video games... I still can't do those things, TV bores me, video games no desire... I love sports, can't watch sports.. don't care about playoffs, standings... I tried drawing... playing guitar... neither giving me pleasure.... Good question.


I'm in the same boat. Somehow I feel I lost the drive. I don't know what is the reason for living ??? It's too depressing but I want to pull myself. I lost the purpose of my life. 

I'm pushing myself very hard by doing yard work, working on fixing my financial mess but still somewhere I feel I'm bleeding and I can't stop that bleeding.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

John2012 said:


> I'm in the same boat. Somehow I feel I lost the drive. I don't know what is the reason for living ??? It's too depressing but I want to pull myself. I lost the purpose of my life.
> 
> I'm pushing myself very hard by doing yard work, working on fixing my financial mess but still somewhere I feel I'm bleeding and I can't stop that bleeding.


My yard looks better than it has in years... I feel your pain. I try to find pleasure in little things.. like watching a bird beat up another bird... stepping on an ant.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

First, I realized that when I was going through my Divorce that my life was really pretty good except for one thing...

I focussed on the positive.

I don't watch TV or play video games... I wrote down a bucket list of things I wanted to do.

Last Year:
I went on a helicopter Ride over the Smokies with my kids.
I went zip lining down the mountains.
I met a girl and although I am shy, I said F--- it. She is stunning and we started dating.
I went to the gym and all my bitterness, anger are just solid muscle now
I took my gf to the Grand Ole Opry and the Dukes of Hazzard museum 

This year...
I hiked the Appalachian Trail (Maryland) with my boys... Connecticut is next 52 miles
I went to the Greenbrier with gf and did Falconry .... Very cool
I am taking my gf to New Orleans... I have to work but will have fun at night though neither of us drink
I am going to take my kids to see the Steelers play the Vikings... (In London)
Family trip with all the kids to Outer Banks.
Minimizing house and focussing on living/enjoying life.

Life is short. My life is a mess but that is because I am too busy enjoying it to let the hurt in me take over.

I go to counseling to deal with anger when I have to. I do it so I don't take it out on others, kids, gf but I focused on who I wanted to be and how I want to live my life.

I stopped letting life pass me by and if I see an opportunity, I just grab it and don't let go.

Don't be a spectator.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

For the first time in many years I started to dedicate time for me. Working out, hobbies I like, places I wanted to go to , things I wanted to do. Letting go of the anger post divorce was something I did for me. I have taken this as a chance to rebuild my life for the better. 

Meeting someone new also helps with confidence. I am surprised by the number of people in a similar situation. 

In the end I think forgiveness and acceptance were key for my well being. I accept what happened And I forgive her. I just do not want to make my life with her anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Sounds like what you are trying are distraction things rather than a focused intent to seek out happy moments. Those have their purpose like when you need to ride out the storm. But they won’t change your perceptions about life. Also, don’t think in “big things”, it’s really all in the smaller details about life.

I started with stress reduction techniques... Like barefoot on the carpet and trying to feel everything through my toes. Keep at it like identifying smells (smell the roses). Listen to the breeze through the trees, etc. I particularly liked just backfloating in my swimming pool since it sort of isolates you from the world. These helped calm my mind.

Then I went on to purposefully seek out little happy moments. Watching the kids goof off. Having an ice cold beer out on the deck or a little outdoor bistro. Summer dresses... ahh... When you find those little happy moments, just grab hold of them with your mind and try to commit them to memory. Think of it as a special collection you keep and build upon. After awhile, you just tune in to see the ‘good stuff’ that happens around you. It helps to balance out the bad stuff.

And even with the bad stuff... like my unremorseful wayward wife. I did visualization stuff and had fun messing with her foggy mind.  Picture her in a gorilla suit pounding her chest. Take on the role of the village idiot and pretend you just can’t understand what she’s saying and dance a little jig whenever she says key words like “a-hole”.. All the little things to get your jollies on at her expense. It’s even fun to see how long of a truly vile “enhanced” nickname you can come up for her... and start calling her that. Find the little kid in yourself and have fun.


----------



## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

John2012 said:


> After my WS EA mess, my outlook towards life is very bitter/pessimistic. Pls share your thoughts and day-to-day activities which you’re doing to have a positive outlook towards life.


Well first of all, I had to divorce my wife before I could have any positive outlook. But that is for me, I realize not what you are probably wanting to do.

So the only thing I can offer is the same as what I do to have a positive outlook. And that is to work on bettering yourself. Go to the gym, take care of yourself, treat yourself to nice things, etc.

As far as mentally, just decide for yourself, and you can do it without being "bitter", that you will no longer take any crap, and that you now know what to look for to either put your foot down or leave the situation. In other words, just resolve to be stronger mentally and stand up for yourself. If you were like me you were way too trusting and let too many things roll of your back because of it. Thats when you get taken advantage of. Resolve to not be taken advantage of again.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I could not watch TV. All the women I saw were having affairs. I did like the other guys here and hit the yard. It takes time. More time than you want it too. Hang in there find a hobby.


----------



## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_I used to be able to watch TV, play video games... I still can't do those things, TV bores me, video games no desire... I love sports, can't watch sports.. don't care about playoffs, standings... I tried drawing... playing guitar... neither giving me pleasure.... Good question_

I can relate. I used to do many of those things, no longer care. Having a positive outlook? I really don't to be honest, but I tell myself every morning that I'm one day closer to feeling like I used to (or at least close to that). 

In the mean time? I like puttering in my yard and good beer. Listening to my daughter laugh, playing the music loud in the car, going to bars and getting women's numbers (and never calling them), to keep my spirits up. And looking forward each day to tucking my D into bed, popping my sleeping pills and sleeping the sleep of the dead.

That's my life.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

You can not MAKE your outlook change by simply wishing it to change. I was devestated, thought my life was over when I discovered my xw's affair, her moving in with him immediatly after I found out, divorcing me in 82 days, then marrying him (after 30 year marriage to me) just about did it for me. I could not focus on work, I thought of nothing else but of how I missed her, wanted her back, how I wanted to kick his a**. The best thing I did to snap out of it was seek IC. If you would of asked me before the A, I would of told you IC was for weak people, I would never need it. And I would have been 1000% wrong. I started with once weekly appointments, then went to bi weekly, then monthly, and now quarterly. I use to video game until 9 pm then watch tv, then go to bed. I have yet to play a video game since this happened (22 months ago) and I gave up tv, except for Cub games. I started working out religiously, lost 50 pounds. I found that if I was especially blue, that exercising would bring me back up...not make me laugh out loud, but even me out. I started doing what ever I WANTED, whenever I WANTED. The key is to DO SOMETHING, dont sit around and think about it. I would sit down, and if not something going on I would find myself replaying conversations, mind movies, over and over. Now 22 months later I am not cured, but am a long way towards recovery. Remember, if you are miserable, its because you chose to be. Your xspouse no longer has any control over you. Your best friend is time, and the folks here on TAM, they saved my life. Best of luck to you. When times get tough, post on TAM, there is always someone here that has been in your shoes and to offer a helping hand. Oh, and NC with her whatsoever. They live 5 blocks from me and I havent seen her in15 months.


----------



## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_I started working out religiously, lost 50 pounds. I found that if I was especially blue, that exercising would bring me back up...not make me laugh out loud, but even me out. I started doing what ever I WANTED, whenever I WANTED. The key is to DO SOMETHING, dont sit around and think about it. I would sit down, and if not something going on I would find myself replaying conversations, mind movies, over and over. Now 22 months later I am not cured, but am a long way towards recovery. Remember, if you are miserable, its because you chose to be. Your xspouse no longer has any control over you. Your best friend is time, and the folks here on TAM, they saved my life. Best of luck to you. When times get tough, post on TAM, there is always someone here that has been in your shoes and to offer a helping hand. Oh, and NC with her whatsoever. They live 5 blocks from me and I havent seen her in15 months._

Lots of great advice here. Point is, there is no easy fix, just hard work.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Hmmm, what did I do that had the biggest impact on my happiness and outlook....

DIVORCE!


----------



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Hmmm, what did I do that had the biggest impact on my happiness and outlook....
> 
> DIVORCE!


Will Divorce really get back happiness?? I'm serious in asking this question. 

I belong to the category of BS who will keep rehearsing the betrayal and my fear is that I'll carry this mind-movies to where-ever I go !!!


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Racer said:


> Sounds like what you are trying are distraction things rather than a focused intent to seek out happy moments. Those have their purpose like when you need to ride out the storm. But they won’t change your perceptions about life. Also, don’t think in “big things”, it’s really all in the smaller details about life.
> 
> I started with stress reduction techniques... Like barefoot on the carpet and trying to feel everything through my toes. Keep at it like identifying smells (smell the roses). Listen to the breeze through the trees, etc. I particularly liked just backfloating in my swimming pool since it sort of isolates you from the world. These helped calm my mind.
> 
> ...


I do enjoy the cold beer, (1 beer, need to keep my figure) on the porch and listening to the frogs... Your WW sounds like a cold b.. I love my pool, but just opened it and am still trying to get it to where it's not ice cold and cloudy... another few days and I'll be floating with that beer.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

John2012 said:


> Will Divorce really get back happiness?? I'm serious in asking this question.
> 
> I belong to the category of BS who will keep rehearsing the betrayal and my fear is that I'll carry this mind-movies to where-ever I go !!!


I try to distract myself, the second I feel one of those thoughts creeping in... look around the room, take in every object, overwhelm your mind with other thoughts, then try to think of something pleasant, have a few thoughts ready of good moments or things that make you smile. Don't beat yourself up with them, you don't need to have that crap in your head. Shut it down... manage that fear.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

russell28 said:


> I do enjoy the cold beer, (1 beer, need to keep my figure) on the porch and listening to the frogs... Your WW sounds like a cold b.. I love my pool, but just opened it and am still trying to get it to where it's not ice cold and cloudy... another few days and I'll be floating with that beer.


The WW *was* a cold b... I do believe that by being able to maintain my own happiness, it helped 'disprove' a lot of perceptions about me. Then again, she did the false R... and opened Pandora's box so I could show her what a monster really looks like.... and kept a smile on my face the whole time. 

A big step in finding happiness is recognizing that it does not rely on others for the only source. So, my emotional state was no longer dictated by what she was or was not doing. It was dictated by what* I* was or was not doing to find my own happy moments and perceptions.

Even if I choose to divorce down the line, whatever woman I meet can only add to my happy moments instead of bearing the burden for being responsible for 'making me happy'. Icing on that cake.


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

John2012 said:


> Will Divorce really get back happiness?? I'm serious in asking this question.
> 
> I belong to the category of BS who will keep rehearsing the betrayal and my fear is that I'll carry this mind-movies to where-ever I go !!!



Do you want to stayed married to the person that caused the troubling mind movies?


----------



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

toonaive said:


> Do you want to stayed married to the person that caused the troubling mind movies?


I would stay alone rather then taking my current pain into another relation. In my books, marriage as a institution is a failure.


----------



## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

John2012 said:


> I belong to the category of BS who will keep rehearsing the betrayal and my fear is that I'll carry this mind-movies to where-ever I go !!!


1) Divorce

2) Get laid

3) "What's a mind-movie?"


----------



## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

John2012 said:


> I would stay alone rather then taking my current pain into another relation. In my books, marriage as a institution is a failure.


I know what you mean. It would have to take one special woman to change my mind about ever getting married again. But I just don't see that happening. Have been fooled before, never again.


----------



## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

Labcoat said:


> 3) "What's a mind-movie?"


The betrayed spouse envisioning their WS having sex with their affair partner/other people.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

When you are freshly betrayed and you are coping with the pain, positive thoughts may be scarce in your mind. You will find it very hard to make a quantum leap into a state of joy and positive thinking. So, do it gradually.
What worked for me : going out. Don't pretend you're all zen when you're not. Don't hit clubs and fall into heavy drinking and hooking up just to prove something to anyone. You'd only be lying to yourself. Instead, if you enjoy nature, go for a picnic. Go to the beach, close your eyes and listen to the waves - my personal favorite relaxation technique ! Go to a botanical garden and admire the plants and colorful flowers. Plants have therapeutic properties, not to mention the color therapy you get from them. 
In other words, focus on achieving peace of mind for now, instead of jumping straight into a fake moved-on state.

Music. I know you probably want to listen to all the heartbreak/betrayed/break-up songs. They seem written especially for you. You want to dedicate them to the betrayer. You want to listen to them non-stop. 
Well, that's not gonna help you a bit. Ditch those relating songs. Switch to upbeat hits with a merry rhythm. Pay attention to how a certain music makes you feel. If it makes you feel anything other than cheerful and wanting to dance, turn it off.
Same for movies and shows. Stay away from Cheaters and relationship shows for a while. Watch a sitcom, or a mystery show/ movie instead, to take your mind off.

Friends. If you are breaking up, limit your time with common friends for a while. they have no fault, but the subject of your ex will opo up all the time, or you will feel that they are thinking about it and feel obligated to "update". Or you will want them on your side and you'll keep talking about how you were betrayed. Or, hope that they will serve a messenger between you and your SO. In either case, it doesn't serve your purpose of moving on. Spend time with new people, who have nothing to do with your ex.

Go for a vacation. That special place you always wanted to visit. Can be a city in your country or an exotic island abroad. Go for it. You'll come back changed. The change of cities/countries worked miracles for me. But, if you have kids, just go for a vacation.

SWITCH YOUR NEGATIVE THINKING. The most important. Thoughts like "All the men/ women are trash/cheaters", " I will never find someone else", "I'm not good looking/smart/successful/ etc enough to find anyone else", "I'm too old", " Love is painful", "Marriage sucks", and so on...will keep you stuck in your misery.
Instead, focus on the positives in your life...your kids, your friends, your home, etc. Look around with an open mind and you'll see there are plenty of nice men/ women who can't wait to treat you like you deserve. 
You may want to take a look at this: Did I Attract My Cheating Husband?

I suggest read the entire blog. I notice a lot of people here are lost in bitterness and negative thinking - towards themselves and towards the opposite sex. Read this, and try. I did


----------



## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

dusty4 said:


> The betrayed spouse envisioning their WS having sex with their affair partner/other people.


I wasn't asking. I was suggesting that step 3 was to forget what a mind movie was.


----------



## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

Labcoat said:


> I wasn't asking. I was suggesting that step 3 was to forget what a mind movie was.


Ah, ok.

But I don't think its possible to forget that. Render it fewer and farther between perhaps, but forget? No.


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Divorce my WW
work out
get back into my hobbies and passions
find a new, better woman
spend more time with/get closer to my family
ditch TV/listen to more/play more music
spend more quality time with my dear children
dress for success
realize and understand you are sexy, desirable, intelligent and a "catch"
stand up straight and look people in the eye
focus on moving up at work


----------



## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

T-D, exactly my story to a T. I did all those things and love life. Enjoy my man.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

John2012 said:


> After my WS EA mess, my outlook towards life is very bitter/pessimistic. Pls share your thoughts and day-to-day activities which you’re doing to have a positive outlook towards life.


Let me put it this way.

Although I was deeply in love with my wife before her serial betraying started, I like to tell people that I lived with chronic daily pain for 17 years, but now am pain free. When they asked what I did to relieve the pain, I tell them, "I divorced her".

In other words, I developed a sense of humor about it all. It wasn’t easy. Especially early on, but as it says in readers Digest, “Laughter is the Best Medicine” .


----------



## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

I had some time there where nothing was fun anymore, games, sports, movies etc. I think a few revealing conclusions helped ease the pain and got me feeling better: 

I wasn't the problem. I've got my friends and family. I sought the approval of other women both as friends and lovers and verified that I am a decent guy in the important ways. 

She wasn't that great. For months I wouldn't allow myself to remember the crap that happened while we were married, things I just hoped would smooth out someday. That wasn't fair to her or me. I don't know if she will be happier apart than we were together but I do know I am now just fine, thank you.

There are other women that I could and now do enjoy being with. My current girlfriend is a breath of fresh air. She's adorable and sweet and affectionate and loves football and MMA. I enjoy my time with her as much or more than I ever did with my ex.

My life isn't over like I briefly thought it was just over a year ago.


----------

