# Gentlemen, do you treat your wife like a you should?



## heartbroken1957

I wonder just how many men out there, who claim a woman should willingly be receptive to your advances, treat her like their love of a lifetime. Or. Do you treat them like a piece of furniture.

I ask this because I have spent many conversations asking my husband to show he cares about me.

Example: This morning I had hopefully my final blood draw for an ongoing health problem that has kicked my butt. I asked him to drive me as it is nasty hot, hard to breathe and a long walk from the parking lot. It would take me 10mins max. 
He drove me willingly and dropped me at the door. I had to open the house door as it shut behind him. Open my own car door and get in which is difficult and sometimes requires help. Which he never offers. Then at the hospital, he didn't get out to help me out or see me to the door. He parked where he couldn't see me come out and I ended up walking part of the parking lot looking for him. 

After getting home we went after groceries,. Now I have a bad back and have trouble lifting my legs to walk. I lean and swing my legs to walk. This tires me out and I have to stop and stretch my back often to continue. 

When we got to the checkout, I was putting things on the belt and it was obviously causing me pain. 
He stood there and watched as I struggled to lift heavy things and reach the things in the back of the cart. Not once did he step up and say, let me do this. 

There were two ladies behind us and I could see by their faces they were floored by his lack of care.

At the car I took the bread and placed it in a safe place and promply sat my butt in the car. He wasn't too happy to say the least. 

This type of behavior is par for the course. He doesn't open doors, doesn't assist, offer to get me a drink when we are out with friends, etc. 
To me he just plain has no respect for me. 

Opinions and how to get it across to him to step up.


----------



## ManDup

Ask?

I watched my dad do this to my mom in her later years and I always wondered what he was thinking, walking ahead of her when she would struggle to keep up, or not getting things for her when he was up. Eventually I figured out that if he didn't make her move once or twice a day she would NEVER get up. And one day, she didn't.


----------



## unbelievable

I treat mine far better than I should.


----------



## heartbroken1957

Well there are situations like that Mandup and usually the couple are in agreement that it is for the better. 
In my case, I would have thought it would be kind of him to get the groceries out and not stand there like a bump on a log. Believe me, I get exersize at other times, as he is away from home more than he is home. He works away from home and When he is home I feel like he thinks He doesn't have to show me any respect. Where as I think he better step up and start showing some appreciation or this cooky is going to stop fighting to keep her marriage together. He's the cheater, not me.


----------



## unbelievable

If I am in the vicinity, my wife doesn't pick up anything even remotely heavy. She doesn't clean up anything remotely nasty. She doesn't have to open her doors. If I have means to prevent it, she doesn't get rained on. I treat her like royalty and that's exactly why she gives me the cold shoulder. I wouldn't recommend for any guy to dote on his wife so.


----------



## Prometheus Pyrphoros

Looks like no respect whatsoever, these are some basic things requiring little effort. If one does not take the effort it shows a lack of respect IMO.

Open doors - check
Hold doors - check
Heavy items - check
Walk her to destination - check
etc.

Seems fine to me, can't imagine not to open car door for her or something else, it's routine. All the little stuff does matter and if done in a way that projects confidence, then this behavior matches the alpha not the beta male.


----------



## southbound

Apparently I didn't treat her as I should; she got a divorce. I didn't give her what she needed emotionally. I wasn't too good with that kind of thing; however, with something as apparent as your situation, I would have gladly helped out as much as possible.


----------



## Enchantment

heartbroken1957 said:


> Well there are situations like that Mandup and usually the couple are in agreement that it is for the better.
> In my case, I would have thought it would be kind of him to get the groceries out and not stand there like a bump on a log. Believe me, I get exersize at other times, as he is away from home more than he is home. He works away from home and When he is home I feel like he thinks He doesn't have to show me any respect. Where as I think he better step up and start showing some appreciation or this cooky is going to stop fighting to keep her marriage together. He's the cheater, not me.


Hi heartbroken ~

Do you ask your husband to help you when you truly need it? Sometimes, it takes a nudge (or a frying pan, whichever the case may be).  

I know that you are wanting him to do these things of his own volition. But, has he ever been that way with you in your marriage, or is it something that has changed?

Finally, do you do little things for him that show him you care for him?


----------



## Enchantment

unbelievable said:


> If I am in the vicinity, my wife doesn't pick up anything even remotely heavy. She doesn't clean up anything remotely nasty. She doesn't have to open her doors. If I have means to prevent it, she doesn't get rained on. I treat her like royalty and that's exactly why she gives me the cold shoulder. I wouldn't recommend for any guy to dote on his wife so.


@ unbelievable ~

You sound like quite a gentleman. 

Maybe you need to let her get rained on sometimes!


----------



## Enchantment

stritle said:


> i'm starting to realize that i don't
> 
> i don't listen to her, i don't show her the respect she deserves, i don't involve her in my life, i use her to achieve my own goals without regard to hers, and i probably make her feel like a blow up doll.
> 
> up until i started really thinking about a couple things and getting some feedback from members here i would have answered an unquestionable "yes she gets treated great" while thinking to myself that she was lucky to have me.
> 
> guess it may be the other way around.
> 
> 
> i do nice things too, but it doesn't balance out


@ stritle ~

Nows your chance to do something about it!


----------



## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore

Ironic you brought this topic up. My 10 year old son has started opening the door to driver side of the car whenever we are leaving somewhere. He must have picked it up from his father. It seems weird for me to let him do this because I’m the mom and supposed to take care of him. When I told him he didn’t need to do that for me, he said, “I know, but I want too.” 

His father definitely has one of those “charmer” personalities. Although in somewhat of an Eddie Haskell kind of way. He quit opening the door to a vehicle for me a loooonnng time ago. Many of the other gentleman like manners he once displayed toward me eventually disappeared as well.

The lack of my ex-husband showing those simple gentleman manners towards me really showed on my first few post-divorce dates. LOL!! It took me until the third date with this one guy to realize he was trying to get out of the driver’s side of the vehicle and around to the passenger’s side to open the door for me. I was long exiting my way out of his car as he would hurry around. LOL!!! I also reached for and opened every door myself before ever even giving him a chance. When it finally hit me how I’d been cutting this poor guy’s chivalrous attempts off at the knees, I apologized and we had a pretty good laugh.


----------



## Enchantment

southbound said:


> Apparently I didn't treat her as I should; she got a divorce. I didn't give her what she needed emotionally. I wasn't too good with that kind of thing; however, with something as apparent as your situation, I would have gladly helped out as much as possible.


@ southbound ~

Don't sell yourself short - from all of your posts you sound like such a sweetheart. I hope you can find someone who is worthy of you - she will be a lucky lady.


----------



## DanF

I usually open doors for my wife, I will pick up the heavy stuff and help load/unload groceries, clean up the dog puke, etc.
She will open her own car door unless we are on a date and then I open it and escort her to the door.
I am especially good at killing spiders, though!

I believe in chivalry and think that a man should do these things for his wife.


----------



## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore

DanF said:


> I am especially good at killing spiders, though!


You would definitely be a gentleman in my house then. Heck, you would even be my hero. The California Wolf Spiders around my house must be on steroids this year. EWE!!!! I think even my pest control guy is a little afraid of them.


----------



## Runs like Dog

Today she drove my car with a flat tire and ruined it maybe the rim too and yet that's my fault. Seeing if the tires are flat is not her job, only mine. Hmmm
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhiteRabbit

My douche of a husband wouldn't know how to treat a lady even if he was given picture book instructions and a how-to video.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## southbound

Enchantment said:


> @ southbound ~
> 
> Don't sell yourself short - from all of your posts you sound like such a sweetheart. I hope you can find someone who is worthy of you - she will be a lucky lady.


Thanks for the compliment, Enchantment! I appreciate it!


----------



## greenpearl

I wish more men are like my husband! 

Guys, really! 

When we go to the market, my husband insists on carrying all the heavy stuff even though I offer many times to help him. He says he needs to balance himself, so he carries both hands. He says he is my mule! 

He takes me to the clinics whenever I am sick, he won't let me go there alone. He holds doors for me, he waits for me since I walk slower. He holds my hands, he plays with my hair, he spanks my bum. 

He goes deep down in my heart and tries to understand me! 

He is one true gentlemen! 

While men are complaining that your wives are not sweet, are you sweet to your wife?


----------



## Syrum

When I am with my fiance, he opens doors for me, lifts all heavy things, he holds my hand and treats me very well. Last time I stayed with him, he came home in the afternoon and lay down with me and hugged me and talked to me almost every day (unless we were going somewhere straight away). 

I do love that he does those things, it's very important to the way I feel about him. 

I know if I was in your situation OP, I know that he would make sure I was OK and look after me very well.


----------



## Syrum

Runs like Dog said:


> Today she drove my car with a flat tire and ruined it maybe the rim too and yet that's my fault. Seeing if the tires are flat is not her job, only mine. Hmmm
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Honestly runs, I wouldn't notice a flat tire either. I would never blame my fiance for it, but I honestly just have no idea about things like that.


----------



## greenpearl

Syrum said:


> When I am with my fiance, he opens doors for me, lifts all heavy things, he holds my hand and treats me very well. Last time I stayed with him, he came home in the afternoon and lay down with me and hugged me and talked to me almost every day (unless we were going somewhere straight away).
> 
> I do love that he does those things, it's very important to the way I feel about him.


It's a very sweet feeling, isn't it!

Makes us happy and then we want to do a lot of other things to make them happy!


----------



## Runs like Dog

You know I tried all that Chivalry for a long time. But was often thanked so sarcastically I was going to wind up slamming the door in her face eventually. I mean just say nothing instead of being an ingrate.


----------



## greenpearl

Runs like Dog said:


> You know I tried all that Chivalry for a long time. But was often thanked so sarcastically I was going to wind up slamming the door in her face eventually. I mean just say nothing instead of being an ingrate.


Don't do that for a feminist! They don't like it! 

But be a gentlemen for a true lady! 

Is your wife a feminist?


----------



## greenpearl

Runs like Dog said:


> Today she drove my car with a flat tire and ruined it maybe the rim too and yet that's my fault. Seeing if the tires are flat is not her job, only mine. Hmmm
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband always takes my scooter to the mechanic to have the oil changed. 

He just views that his job even though I can go there myself! 

He protects me very well!


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

greenpearl said:


> Don't do that for a feminist! They don't like it!
> 
> But be a gentlemen for a true lady!
> 
> Is your wife a feminist?


Ahem, I am a feminist and I absolutely love it when my husband says I am low in tire pressue. He knows I already know that, as I am a bit of a gear head but the thought and love behind it makes me swoon. 
Being a feminist doesn't mean you don't appreciate men, good Lord!!!!
I love that he walks on the "outside" of me and to this day, after nearly 18 years of a often troubled marriage, still holds my hand while crossing a busy street. He was raised right and yes, he was raised by a feminist mother and successful father. 
Here in Texas, you are hard pressed to find a man who won't open a door for a woman. They do it for the same reason my husband's father told him to walk on the outside, it's just proper manners. I have seen women here walk through a door after it has been held open for them and she says nothing. It makes me sick. I always thank the person who held the door open for me, always. That's just proper manners. 
Where I am from, California, the men are so lacking in social graces it would make your head spin. I think if a man out there held open a door for a woman, she would freak out and think he is only trying to get a look at her butt. 
Manners aren't a men vs. feminist kind of thing, it is just proper grooming and yes, it goes both ways!! Women need to understand it a bit more. 
To the OP, your husband is a complete d!ck. My husband just got done reading your post and was stunned that anybody could be so disgusting and callous. You need to figure out if you want this person in your life anymore. :scratchhead:


----------



## Locard

Hmm, I would love to hear what your husband has to say about YOU. Just saying.....


----------



## morituri

Sadly somewhere during the last two decades, an epidemic of stupidity has gripped some of us to believe that rude and obnoxious behavior is a sign of strength. Unbeleivable.


----------



## greenpearl

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Ahem, I am a feminist and I absolutely love it when my husband says I am low in tire pressue. He knows I already know that, as I am a bit of a gear head but the thought and love behind it makes me swoon.
> Being a feminist doesn't mean you don't appreciate men, good Lord!!!!
> I love that he walks on the "outside" of me and to this day, after nearly 18 years of a often troubled marriage, still holds my hand while crossing a busy street. He was raised right and yes, he was raised by a feminist mother and successful father.
> Here in Texas, you are hard pressed to find a man who won't open a door for a woman. They do it for the same reason my husband's father told him to walk on the outside, it's just proper manners. I have seen women here walk through a door after it has been held open for them and she says nothing. It makes me sick. I always thank the person who held the door open for me, always. That's just proper manners.
> Where I am from, California, the men are so lacking in social graces it would make your head spin. I think if a man out there held open a door for a woman, she would freak out and think he is only trying to get a look at her butt.
> Manners aren't a men vs. feminist kind of thing, it is just proper grooming and yes, it goes both ways!! Women need to understand it a bit more.
> To the OP, your husband is a complete d!ck. My husband just got done reading your post and was stunned that anybody could be so disgusting and callous. You need to figure out if you want this person in your life anymore. :scratchhead:


Ha ha ha, then you are still a lady if you like men holding doors for you and you say thank you! 

You are working for women't fair rights! 

From the information I got from men, feminists think they are just the same as men, so they don't like all the pampering from men! Or men got the wrong idea? They are being threatened by this so they make up things?


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

greenpearl said:


> Ha ha ha, then you are still a lady if you like men holding doors for you and you say thank you!
> 
> You are working for women't fair rights!
> 
> From the information I got from men, feminists think they are just the same as men, so they don't like all the pampering from men! Or men got the wrong idea? They are being threatened by this so they make up things?


Not to derail this thread too much but you can be a lady and a feminist. I sincerely appreciate men, I just do. We all co-exist and we all love each other. I would never say I am the same as a man, ever! What I believe in is that women should be VALUED the same as men. Big difference.
As for the OP, her husband is a disgrace. Just a total disgrace. I cannot imagine a man in Texas watching an ill woman struggle to get items out of her cart while her husband stands by watching. He would be pummeled and rightfully so.


----------



## Runs like Dog

greenpearl said:


> My husband always takes my scooter to the mechanic to have the oil changed.
> 
> He just views that his job even though I can go there myself!
> 
> He protects me very well!


Do you get on it, start it and ride it down the street with a flat tire as if nothing's wrong? Then claim you didn't notice? I'd bet not.


----------



## Runs like Dog

greenpearl said:


> Don't do that for a feminist! They don't like it!
> 
> But be a gentlemen for a true lady!
> 
> Is your wife a feminist?



The door is just a metaphor for a wider scope of issues. I am sure if you asked she would disdainfully snort that I treat her very shabbily. But I'm not sure that's entirely the case. The 'door' is a good example though; hold open a door, then she hisses that she's not a glass princess, don't hold it open and it's like I wiped my shoes on her. At some point, your blushing bride has to grow out of that insane insufferable phase of life like she's Veruca Salt from the Willy Wonka movie. So onward 
_
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered- 
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day._

Yabba dabba, doo.


----------



## greenpearl

Runs like Dog said:


> Do you get on it, start it and ride it down the street with a flat tire as if nothing's wrong? Then claim you didn't notice? I'd bet not.


Oh I notice it right away! 

I can't balance myself very well if there is a flat tire. 

I find a mechanic right away to have it fixed. 

Somebody told me it is not good for the scooter if I rode it with a flat tire. 

I know nothing about cars because I have never had a car!


----------



## Syrum

Runs like Dog said:


> Do you get on it, start it and ride it down the street with a flat tire as if nothing's wrong? Then claim you didn't notice? I'd bet not.


Runs I drove my car the other day with a flat tire. A guy in the car behind me got out and told me.  

I think maybe you feel your wife just doesn't care so when something like that happens, you believe she did notice and didn't care about you or your car. You may be right, however if I did something like that and my fiance got very angry with me I would feel very upset because I often do things like that, but never on purpose. If anything I try very hard to please him.

I believe I am very smart when it comes to some things but with others I am totally blonde and I do not have a clue about cars at all. I only know where to put that gas and that is it.

I definately need to be in a relationship where the man is manly and clued on about things like that and balances me out. I am sure I will balance him out on things like being sweet and having patience and empathy.


----------



## greenpearl

Runs like Dog said:


> The door is just a metaphor for a wider scope of issues. I am sure if you asked she would disdainfully snort that I treat her very shabbily. But I'm not sure that's entirely the case. The 'door' is a good example though; hold open a door, then she hisses that she's not a glass princess, don't hold it open and it's like I wiped my shoes on her. At some point, your blushing bride has to grow out of that insane insufferable phase of life like she's Veruca Salt from the Willy Wonka movie. So onward


Nothing you do is right! 

What's her ideal man?

Have you ever asked her?


----------



## greenpearl

Therealbrighteyes said:


> As for the OP, her husband is a disgrace. Just a total disgrace. I cannot imagine a man in Texas watching an ill woman struggle to get items out of her cart while her husband stands by watching. He would be pummeled and rightfully so.


It is disheartening! 

I leave this kind of men right away!


----------



## greenpearl

Syrum said:


> I definately need to be in a relationship where the man is manly and clued on about things like that and balances me out. I am sure I will balance him out on things like being sweet and having patience and empathy.


Yes, balance is what we need! 

A husband and a wife are interdependent, they each have good qualities and they each need help from the other one. 

By living together, they share what they have and make up for what they don't have.


----------



## Runs like Dog

greenpearl said:


> What's her ideal man?


I have never and would never ask. Her answer would likely be 'someone competent, like a woman', or, 'anything but you'.


----------



## Runs like Dog

Syrum said:


> Runs I drove my car the other day with a flat tire. A guy in the car behind me got out and told me.
> 
> I think maybe you feel your wife just doesn't care so when something like that happens, you believe she did notice and didn't care about you or your car. You may be right, however if I did something like that and my fiance got very angry with me I would feel very upset because I often do things like that, but never on purpose. If anything I try very hard to please him.


I really don't care about the tire or the rim. Lord knows she's been in 4 minor accidents in the last 2 years. Although I don't understand it how someone could be that clueless. I bet she'd notice if the stove was on fire. I hope. No, that's not it. But please don't claim that it's my fault when you willfully do something. All the other stuff gets 'handled' from repairs and maintenance to paying for it all. 

Honey - 
All you have to do reduce the number of times you keep crashing into things and then claiming it's not your fault. I just replaced the transmission in your car after it turns out, you drove it for a month with a leak that ultimately blew it apart. Which part of it randomly drops in and out of gear at 45 mph FOR A MONTH, lead you to believe that was normal and didn't require mentioning? 

Nah I'm starting to think it's just haughty indifference. Maybe not maybe it's entirely possible she believes that I have remote magic tire pressure sensors that alert me before anything goes wrong. Rin-Tin-Tire; "What little Timmy fell down the well and the right front radial is flat? Lemme get on that, thanks Rinny!"

Oy.


----------



## Runs like Dog

Anyway sorry for the diversion. Chivalry aint dead, it just smells funny.


----------



## Entropy3000

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Ahem, I am a feminist and I absolutely love it when my husband says I am low in tire pressue. He knows I already know that, as I am a bit of a gear head but the thought and love behind it makes me swoon.
> Being a feminist doesn't mean you don't appreciate men, good Lord!!!!
> I love that he *walks on the "outside"* of me and to this day, after nearly 18 years of a often troubled marriage, still *holds my hand while crossing a busy street. *He was raised right and yes, he was raised by a feminist mother and successful father.
> *Here in Texas, you are hard pressed to find a man who won't open a door for a woman. *They do it for the same reason my husband's father told him to walk on the outside, it's just *proper manners. *I have seen women here walk through a door after it has been held open for them and she says nothing. It makes me sick. I always thank the person who held the door open for me, always. That's just proper manners.
> Where I am from, California, the men are so lacking in social graces it would make your head spin. I think if a man out there held open a door for a woman, she would freak out and think he is only trying to get a look at her butt.
> Manners aren't a men vs. feminist kind of thing, it is just proper grooming and yes, it goes both ways!! Women need to understand it a bit more.
> To the OP, your husband is a complete d!ck. My husband just got done reading your post and was stunned that anybody could be so disgusting and callous. You need to figure out if you want this person in your life anymore. :scratchhead:


No question about it. I was brought up this way. It is good manners. It probably is a more common thing in Texas. Part of the culture. 

My wife is very capable. Years ago I remember her having to explain to the guy at the car parts store that indeed the engine in her car was a cleveland and not a windsor and therefore it used the slanted plug design. His boss had to tell him the lady was right and knew what she was talking about.

Anyway I am a gear head and do very much care that when my wife is driving her car that it is in good shape and will not break down or cause her to get into an accident. All husbands do not do this? UFB. My wife has commented that I had low tire pressure as well and I appreciated it. I would call that love for your partner. I do worry about my wife getting stuck out somewhere and her car not being able to start. Feminism aside, it is not safe for women to be stranded compared to a man. Men are just less vulnerable ... still.


----------



## Entropy3000

Syrum said:


> Runs I drove my car the other day with a flat tire. A guy in the car behind me got out and told me.
> 
> I think maybe you feel your wife just doesn't care so when something like that happens, you believe she did notice and didn't care about you or your car. You may be right, however if I did something like that and my fiance got very angry with me I would feel very upset because I often do things like that, but never on purpose. If anything I try very hard to please him.
> 
> I believe I am very smart when it comes to some things but with others I am totally blonde and I do not have a clue about cars at all. I only know where to put that gas and that is it.
> 
> *I definately need to be in a relationship where the man is manly and clued on about things like that and balances me out. I am sure I will balance him out on things like being sweet and having patience and empa*thy.


Wow. You know I guess I just assumed this in a marriage. In general with a group of people on a project or whatever I always look at folks as bringing something to the table. Everyone has something they can do that the others cannot do as well.

I absolutely look at my marriage this way. We both contribute to it. There are a plethora of things my wife can do better than I can. I think it would be laughable and sad if a man felt threatened by a capable woman. Pitiful. I am plenty confident and capable myself. BUT, the two of us together can do a lot more than either of us. There are clearly things that my wife can do that make more sense for me to do. But the reverse is true as well. Everyone is not this way? Why the hell not? I like the Captain and First Officer approach. On any given day my wife is at the helm. She can run things for extended periods. We had to that when I was in the Navy when I would be off on a cruise. But we are better together.


----------



## Syrum

Entropy3000 said:


> Wow. You know I guess I just assumed this in a marriage. In general with a group of people on a project or whatever I always look at folks as bringing something to the table. Everyone has something they can do that the others cannot do as well.
> 
> I absolutely look at my marriage this way. We both contribute to it. There are a plethora of things my wife can do better than I can. I think it would be laughable and sad if a man felt threatened by a capable woman. Pitiful. I am plenty confident and capable myself. BUT, the two of us together can do a lot more than either of us. There are clearly things that my wife can do that make more sense for me to do. But the reverse is true as well. Everyone is not this way? Why the hell not? I like the Captain and First Officer approach. On any given day my wife is at the helm. She can run things for extended periods. We had to that when I was in the Navy when I would be off on a cruise. But we are better together.


I agree, I would like my fiance to take the lead in the relationship, but he should also be able to rely on me for things too. We should both be able to bring things to the table as you say, and like green pearl says be interdependant on each other, given our strengths and weaknesses. 

I have a lot of strengths and I look at my femininity and caring side to be a strength, I also look at masculinity to be a strength. He shows he cares for me by doing manly things, like carrying heavy items, and he has told me many times that if he lived here he would take care of my car. I take care of him by doing lots of nice things for him too.


----------



## RandomDude

Since we started fighting recently, I've been treating her like a sparring partner lol... Though admitedly, I'm finding her as adorable as she is frightening at this state.


----------



## Jamison

I have always tried to treat women in a good way. I hope I do a decent job, I haven't had any complaints so far. I didn't have a good role model, from my dad, but I did have other men in my life who were decent role models. As I got older I knew how my dad treated women wasn't the best, so I learned from others what was.


----------



## Conrad

RandomDude said:


> Since we started fighting recently, I've been treating her like a sparring partner lol... Though admitedly, I'm finding her as adorable as she is frightening at this state.


Makes things hotter, doesn't it?

I think you need to take another look at that toxic list I sent you.


----------



## Runs like Dog

"You're so beautiful when you're unfaithful to me" - The Pixies.


----------



## heartbroken1957

I'm getting a real kick out of the run amuck part of the thread. lol

Back to the original thought process though. In MC yesterday I asked about the not helping with grocerys part and his answer was, "What?" "Did you want me to push you out of the way and do it." 

What an *ssh*l*. 

I don't want to teach him how to treat a woman, I've trained my 2 oldest, and their wives have complimented me time after time, what a wonderful husband I have gave them. I have a 12 yr old in training and he is already getting compliment what a wonderful gentleman he is. 
I don't want to have to tell him to what to do with his hands, his eyes, his body. I don't want to tell him what to say each time I expect him to say something special to make my day. 
I want him to feel it! Then, do it.

I tryed to start training him today. I almost feel it's worthless. 
I had brushed my hair which is long, and put it up in a bun out of my way. My intentions were to do some cleaning and instead I looked at him and thought he looked like he was in a receptive mood. 
So I pulled up the footstool and sat infront of him. Let my hair down and took his hand and run it through my hair. 

I asked him if it felt like silk? Yes, it does. I layed my head against his hand and I actually seen in his eyes he wanted to kiss me. Not yet though. 
Taking both hands thru my hair several times I then told him to grab hold of it. Does it feel like you are in power? Have control? He was dumbstruck. Too much too soon. So ok you can relax the hold.
Again I told him to stroke thru my hair with his hands. This time he moved to kiss me. Instead I looked deep in his eyes and asked if he 
could see that I loved him. He said yes, and I too could see that he loved me. 

I went on to explain what I feel when He held my head that way and then we ended up talking more about our problems with the marriage than needed. 

Is there a book out there or a site that would explain or teach him how to treat a woman. What to do to make her feel cherished. 
I don't want to teach him, that would make me feel too much like his mother, who failed big time to raise her children.


----------



## WhiteRabbit

You have to teach people how to treat you. Otherwise, how are they to know? Even if his mother had taught him better, you may not be satisfied with her lessons to him. You may still want more than what she taught. Every person wants different things. It seems like a cop out to say you dont want to teach him and you don't want to be his mother. Teaching him how you need to be loved isn't being his mother...it is communicating like a mature married woman in love. He may want to teach you a thing or two about how he would like to be loved as well. Part of having that great husband and wife connection is you have the opportunity to get the love you need from someone who really cares about you. 

Now, if you're like my husband and me...lessons won't matter because you're too different and neither is willing to change the core of their being just to suit the other person. If your personalities match a bit more, you won't have to change who you are and neither will he...you'll just have to adjust and tweak things a bit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Runs like Dog

We treat each other in way that we each think is equitable. "Like you should" implies some level of shame you're not doing right or as well as you could. To us, to my wife and I, it's about a balance of terror.


----------



## heartbroken1957

Runs like Dog said:


> We treat each other in way that we each think is equitable. "Like you should" implies some level of shame you're not doing right or as well as you could. To us, to my wife and I, it's about a balance of terror.


You are right RLD. "Like you should" applies here. He isn't doing a well as he could. Or used to.


----------



## DanF

The Male Journey.

I forget the author, but it is very good at explaining what we were taught versus what women need and want.


----------



## Enchantment

heartbroken1957 said:


> Is there a book out there or a site that would explain or teach him how to treat a woman. What to do to make her feel cherished.
> I don't want to teach him, that would make me feel too much like his mother, who failed big time to raise her children.


heartbroken ~

But, I think you do need to "teach" him. Not just teach him, but show him, and involve him. Don't just expect your husband to know the way. Help show him the way any way that you can! 

Think about the following:

"_Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand_.” ~ Chinese Proverb


----------



## EMC2

I have a different problem. My view of what it means to be a gentleman to your wife also means that certain gestures are reserved for her. My husband is generally gracious, and will galantly open doors for me, get a drink for me, etc. He will also go out of his way to do these things for women who are perfect strangers. I have often felt slighted when his "gentlemanly" behavior starts to look like flirting and showing off. He will often go to a bar to get me a drink at a wedding or party and I won't see him again for an hour. I may look up and see that he has set the drinks down to galantly dance with someone else or help her out of her car. When does a man cross the line from being a gentleman to being a flatterer? It sometimes feels like the opposite of gentlemanly behavior.


----------



## EMC2

Thank you for the post. I have reflected on it and I have to say I disagree to some of what you say. 

I don't care to trash my husband, but being a 'perfect' gentleman toward me has not always come naturally, not if there is a choice between being courtly to me and winning a popularity contest with someone else.

But more importantly, I don't agree that flirting is a natural part of who a person is, a part that they cannot change, any more than being a drunk is. Like excessive drinking, flirting is a bad habit and it can take you into dangerous waters. The feedback becomes as irresistable as an alcohol buzz.

And it is disrespectful to your spouse. Period.

I fell in love with him because I thought we had something special, I thought he was capable of keeping that part of himself for me as I do for him. That, to me, would be truly gentlemanly.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

I wonder what the difference is between being "gentlemanly" which if you believe some of the posters on this thread women (wives) are attracted to, and being "the nice guy" which is pretty universally thought of on this website to turn wives off.

Perhaps the best course is to be a gentleman as long as she doesn't cut you off. And the moment she does, from that point forward only be a gentleman to other women. Not suggesting being mean or an **shole, just not going out of your way to be extra nice.


----------



## heartbroken1957

You sound like my husband. "Give to me first and I'll see if it's in my agenda to give to you."

I don't know if that's really what you meant in "Perhaps the best course is to be a gentleman as long as she doesn't cut you off. And the moment she does, from that point forward only be a gentleman to other women. Not suggesting being mean or an **shole, just not going out of your way to be extra nice."

I was raised with a father who showed respect for all things. People, animals, the earth and himself above all. If he had disrespected someone, in some way, it was disrespect for himself and his beliefs. He would correct it before the sun set or not sleep. 

The man I married was of the same cloth. Something happened and he became a bitter man with no respect for himself or others. 2 1/2 yrs since that fact slapped me hard, I have decided to stay with him and try to show him that there is a reason to find that old person again. 

Just in the past few weeks I've been seeing that guy I married. I've watched him laugh at my stupid jokes until he could not catch his breath. He's been sharing thoughts and his life with me more. I have no secret solution to what got though to him. It wasn't counselling, it wasn't sex, it wasn't being pushy. In fact I felt like we were back in that void like just after I discovered his affair. 
I was walking a fine line trying to decide which way to fall. When suddenly he just started smiling again. 

I don't think either of us has changed. I just think we accept that this is the way it's going to be from now on.


----------



## Jeff/BC

heartbroken1957 said:


> You sound like my husband. "Give to me first and I'll see if it's in my agenda to give to you."


How interesting. For Carol and I it is exactly the opposite. For both of us, if we are not getting enough from our partner our first instinct is to question whether we are giving enough. Both of us are of the strong mindset that we'd rather "pay up-front" than "buy on credit" as it were.

@WorkingOnMe
I strongly suspect that the answer to "what's the difference between a nice guy and a gentleman" is both situational and subjective. Conveniently for me, both Carol and I value "nice" and so she likes being married to a "nice guy". Just so I'm not mincing words, I think I'm pretty beta regards Carol in a lot of ways. Carol doesn't find that a problem. Not all women do. Carol might also not agree with the assessment that I am beta in some ways in relation to her.

Very interesting question though.


----------



## heartbroken1957

Working on me... That's what I seen in my husband before he changed. Life is sometimes 50/50 and sometimes 90/10 and a variety in between. 
With that thought, I see relationships falling apart when suddenly for some reason, one gets greedy and thinks they deserve all for nothing. They don't communicate that fact or the reason they feel that way and the other partner soon becomes disheartened and stops giving and feel resentful. Hence a broken relationship. 
That is what happened to my marriage. 10 yrs of him not giving, feeling not given to, and he made the ultimate mistake of looking elsewhere. He offered the world to the other woman and offered things he never offered me. That hurt!!! BADLY. I still have that "You offered her that?!!" "Where's mine"? feeling, but I fight it down and try to make contact with the "Old Hubby". 
It's hard to do. I, We need to have some more sessions with our counseller just to keep lines open, because he feels like I'm critisizing when I talk about these things. When I ask him to do something for me, he has a look that sends me to "Hell :FIREdevil: Witch" in ".01 seconds". Therefore I don't ask and I then harbor resentment. Again I have to push it down. 
We've changed, grown older, less capable. That causes problems and we are trying to adapt. I need to accept I "can't" and ask for help and expect that the other doesn't do it like me or doesn't jump up on the run. 
I wish I knew what he thinks on the same subject. But again he doesn't talk. 
Someday when I least expect it, He will open his mouth and I will tire of his ongoing banter. :awink:


----------



## jen1020

Hi

I think it comes down to possibly taking you for granted or at its most worst, a complete lack of respect.

If he is taking you for granted and you have reminded him of how you would like to be treated and he has changed, then there may be hope. It doesn't sound like he has changed his behaviour though?

My husband treated me with disrespect especially when things weren't going his way. I remember when I had a slipped disc in my back and struggled to keep up with him, I kept asking him to slow down but he just got angry at me. He would very rarely help with lifting heavy items or helping out with the house unless I asked and even then it was some real chore. It made me feel like not asking him, which I realise now was probably what he wanted in the first place.

I remember one conversation when I was asking about how I felt he disrespected me and he said, 'So what do you want me to do, treat you like a f**cking princess or something?'. Well actually, yes. I treat you well so why am I not getting it back in return.

Moving on to his recent encounter with a prostitute, we are now getting divorced.

Looking back I realise that this was just another way to show his disrespect towards me, our relationship and women in general.

Jen


----------



## kg478

I have to do everything. The cleaning, driving, grocery buying, taking animals to vet, go to hospital by myself, cooking, dishes, lawn mowing, taking out trash, and on and on. I don't even get a thank you or good job. He thinks because he works I should do everything else. I work too. Then on top of it all he won't even talk to me about anything. I should probably kick his lazy butt to the door and change the locks.


----------

