# don't know what to do



## tlhs (Jun 21, 2011)

*polygraph*

About 4 months ago, my younger sister emailed me to tell me that her boyfriend had asked her how many people she has slept with. She said around twenty. He seemed fine with it, but she was feeling bad about that number. I tried to make her feel better by saying that I had slept with around that many, but I would never have told may husband that. I have actually slept with around half that number, and I was honest with him about it, but I wanted her not to feel bad about herself, and to know that many men would feel uncomfortable with that number. 
My husband found that email, and was completely distraught. He says that he is digusted with me, and that our 7 year marriage had been based on a lie. He says that I've been a good mother to our 2 children, and a good wife, but he can't get past this. If we argue about other things, it comes back to this issue. He will also get angry about it when we are not arguing. I understand his anger to a certain degree, but I think it's gone too far. He wants me to do a polygraph test to prove that I didn't lie to him about how many people I'd slept with before we met. I would pass a polygraph, but I feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with him wanting me to do one. I have never cheated, or done anything that I have to hide, I just feel really hurt that my sexual past is that important to him considering our history together. He has called me some really hurtful names, and my reactions range from being very sad, to very angry. I know that it was wrong for me to be dishonest in that email. I just think that if I take the test, that I will feel resentment for the rest of my life.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Is he threatening divorce? He can't seem to realize that you had a past, but I could understand that if he feels that you lied about this, what else are you capable of lying to him about?

I feel that even if you do take this poly, he will still b***h about it. 
Tell him he must get counseling for this, because he is still beating a dead horse, and he needs to resolve these serious trust issues.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I think this goes much deeper. The name calling is a good indication of a bigger picture. Is he an insecure person? What about his past? Taking a polygraph isn't going to solve this problem.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Your hubby seems to be taking this pretty hard, but you have in essence told people behind his back that you have no problem telling lies to your husband. And now your defense is that you lied about the lie. When you say "I have never cheated", he's going to wonder if that is a lie too. He probably wonders, what others lies do you tell? The situation has probably shattered his trust.

The polygraph test is over the top IMO, though. He's got to learn to trust you on his own. You can only work on improving yourself and try to be more honest with people.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

In his mind, he thinks that he has to choose who you lied to: him or the sister. Sadly, that's the way he sees it. You told him 'about ten', but told your sister, in confidence, about 20. Naturally, if he's insecure, he has to see that you would have good reason for wanting to fudge the number down for him. Its common. What I'm suggesting is that you probably don't really understand what's going on in his mind. What's not going on, and should be, was that all of that happened before you made an oath to him. The polygraph is just too far. 

Basically, I think that you have to tell him that you don't deserve his accusations. You haven't given him reason to doubt you. Tell him that you will answer his questions about your past, but then you expect it to be never discussed again, unless he is willing to throw away everything the two of you have built together.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He's overreacting. It seems he has a problem with your past but you are married to him NOW and have never cheated on him so IMO, he needs to get over it.


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

Some guys are just really uncomfortable with knowing how many people their girlfriend or wife have been with before them. I know it not right that some guys seem to worry about it but that's how it is.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So ask him what a 'good' number is. Five? 13? 3 at one time? Me, you and the Sasquatch? What? What's a number to him that suddenly makes you virginal and pure? 

Age is a number, weight is a number, partners is a number. 

How many has he had?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I too think this goes deeper than this one incident. The poly won't solve it either. 

Side note: Why did you feel you had to lie to your sister to make her feel better? Does not compute. Lying only leads to trouble.


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## tlhs (Jun 21, 2011)

Total lack of judgment on my part. I guess I was trying to make her feel as though I could really relate. She's a lot younger, and sometimes I feel like I can't give her straight advice. We didn't grow up in the same household, and I've always wanted to be closer to her. In retrospect, it does not make a lot of sense.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I think there is more to this. BUT ...

Then again you told him 10 and then he sees you admitting to double that, so for all he knows it is really 50. Maybe not logical but he sees you as a liar now. What else have you lied about from his perspective. Not taking his side, just looking at his perspective. If my wife had told me 10 and then I were to find out it was double or more I would have an issue. I know I am in the mionority but in the selection of a wife it would matter to me. I get to make that decision so no point in beating me up about it. I needed to know up front so I have the information in making a decision on my life partner. I was up front with my wife. It goes both ways.

I would have more of a problem with the "about". I would have a problem if you did not specifically know who. Others may not. Also to me if my wife to be had been in LTRs then I feel a lot better about things. When the number goes up and becomes "about" then we are not talking about anything serious but are more in the realm of ONS or just more casual sex. It would all have to be evaluated in context is all I am saying. 

I have slept with women who ultimately I never would have married. Was that in my mind at the time? No. I was young and going with the flow. But I was not into anonymous sex. I know how many and who and why. Long term and short term.
So all in all I did not have a double standard. I expected someone ... compatible. 

I see a lot of posts by women that say you should never give a man the real number. Just the number you think he would be ok with. Really? Also that whatever number you give should be an "about". About 10 works for most women. That way if he was ever to figure out nine and there was really 30 you have some fudge area. So you would never actually identify who they are. This seems to be acceptable to many if not most women. To be deceitful about this stuff. Maybe the reason they have to be deceitful is the real issue. Not sure we should bash the men who care and say they are in the dark ages. I think people get to feel about this stuff any way they want on both sides. The deceit though seems .... awkward at best.

For me it is not about being secure or insecure. I get to decide the type of person I am marrying. The number of people they slept with and who they chose is a factor for sure. We keep seeing old boy friends popping up in these forums. Then the husband finds out they were not just friends but sexual partners. Surprise!

If a man does not want to marry a woman who is 23 years old who has slept with "about" 100 guys is he insecure? YMMV. It is a factor folks. Getting married is a gamble.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> So ask him what a 'good' number is. Five? 13? 3 at one time? Me, you and the Sasquatch? What? What's a number to him that suddenly makes you virginal and pure?
> 
> Age is a number, weight is a number, partners is a number.
> 
> How many has he had?


I agree. How many partners has he had and what would be a good # to him? The past is the past. 

Someone on here was saying "some men feel X way about this." Goodness I do so love double standards!


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## tlhs (Jun 21, 2011)

Actually I never used the word "about" until I posted this. I've never had a one night stand or anything like that. I just couldn't remember if my sister said around 20 or just 20. I understand what you're saying though.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I get to decide the type of person I am marrying. The number of people they slept with and who they chose is a factor for sure.


My husband feels this way. I fudged my number down by ONE only to make it even with his. I know terrible right?

To the OP my sister slept with the equivalent to a football team. I'm thinking she SHOULD feel bad about it. But that's just me.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tlhs said:


> Total lack of judgment on my part. I guess I was trying to make her feel as though I could really relate. She's a lot younger, and sometimes I feel like I can't give her straight advice. We didn't grow up in the same household, and I've always wanted to be closer to her. In retrospect, it does not make a lot of sense.


Not beating you up, but this can happen when we get into feeling we can stretch the truth in our interactions with folks. Sometimes it comes back on us. One lie begets another. For some it is best just to be truthful with what you say and then life gets simpler. 

Is the number for you really "about"?


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## tlhs (Jun 21, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> My husband feels this way. I fudged my number down by ONE only to make it even with his. I know terrible right?
> 
> To the OP my sister slept with the equivalent to a football team. I'm think she SHOULD feel bad about it. But that's just me.


I agree that she needs to step back and evaluate her dating habits. However, she is a very educated, intelligent, funny and beautiful girl. She has had a string of short lived monogamous relationships over the past ten years, in addition to a few long term ones as well. I don't agree she should feel "bad" about this. Although I agree that 20 seems like alot of people to have had sex with.


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## tlhs (Jun 21, 2011)

No, I just couldn't remember if she said "20" or "about 20".


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

tlhs said:


> No, I just couldn't remember if she said "20" or "about 20".


Again, I'm not sure if it really matters if the number is exact, or 'about'. In your case, it was before you married. People can become committed to a relationship. I just don't understand why there is this tendency to pat guys on the shoulder for having a larger number, but many tend to feel insecure with a woman with a larger number than us. Call it naive, or amusingly arrogant, but its just a chance to tell myself that she's seen alot of ways it can be done wrong. If not, I can be pretty confident that she'll carry that little secret to the grave. Ignorance is bliss.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> My husband feels this way. I fudged my number down by ONE only to make it even with his. I know terrible right?
> 
> To the OP my sister slept with the equivalent to a football team. I'm think she SHOULD feel bad about it. But that's just me.


LOL. I am not judging you. We are talking nuances and shades of gray now. You sound pretty innocent about this. Maybe what you did was even very sweet in its own way. 

Now if you dropped it by one so you could keep a particular person unknown to your husband then only you can judge what that is about. 

For me if you have to hide this stuff we already have a problem.
From my wifes perspective I was definitley more of a player than others she knew. By most peoples standards I was just an average fun loving guy. My choice of company was not always the girl I could get to bed the fastest. I guess I am weird. 

I was chatting with my wife about this the other day. The discussion was promted by a comment I made about a rap star who married a porn star. My wife assumed all these years that I had been looking for a wife with more sexual experience than she had. She knew some of the women I had slept with and they were a bit more unhibited than my wife. I told her that I chose her for who she was. I also added that just because a guy sleeps with a given woman does not mean he would ultimately choose her as a marriage partner.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I agree. How many partners has he had and what would be a good # to him? The past is the past.
> 
> Someone on here was saying "some men feel X way about this." Goodness I do so love double standards!


Not a double standard. Women use pre-selection in their selection of a mate. Men who are attractive to other women are often seen as attractive by still more women. So maybe that is part of the allure or at least acceptance by some women to have a more experienced male partner.

That dynamic is not really at work for men. Men are more focused on physical attraction to the female. Men are not specifically looking for a woman who has been pre-selected.

The best way to draw female attention is to surround yourself with other females.

It is hard wired. Some of us men are not interested in women who have slept with "a lot" of other guys. It is not an insecurity. It is a value judgement. It can be a double standard if the giuy sleeps with a 100 women and yet he demands a virgin to marry. That said, he has every right to chose that way. Double standard or not. Things like this do not have to be "equal".


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

"I can do this but don't like when you do it" is a double standard.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Question #1: Why was he looking in your email? 

Second, if he's calling you names then you have a bigger problem on your hands. He doesn't know how to deal with his anger 

The men I dated before my husband were like that too. I could care less how many each had slept with (including my husband) as long as they were clean and faithful only to me. So I can't at all relate to your husband.


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

It's not very fair for him to judge you about your past. He really has no say in anything you did prior to meeting him because who knew you'd meet him and he'd be the one you marry. He could have just been guy #11 of a longer list. It would have been just as unfair for guy #6 to say anything about guys 1-5 if you had ended up marrying him. You were free to sleep with those other men because you weren't MARRIED (and I'm assuming and hoping you didn't cheat on any of them when you were dating the other dudes). If there was anything going on while you were in another relationship or within your marriage, then your husband could have a leg to stand on. Right now, though, it seems like he's putting both feet in his mouth and now he doesn't have a leg to stand on. 

As far as the polygraph is concerned, you could go one of two ways. You could refuse to take it because you really don't have to prove anything here and your self-respect and integrity are more important. OR, you could take the test and prove to him how much you do care about him, know that you're telling the truth, and willing to prove it to him. Those polygraph tests, though, are not accurate and if he is seriously considering going to those lengths to believe you, it seems to me there is a deeper trust issue on his part than meets the eye. A rational, level-headed person would not jump to having someone go as far as taking a POLYGRAPH test to prove to them they aren't lying. So my guess is your husband has some more stuff going on than what he's telling you because that is not normal or typical behaviors or reactions to this type of situation.


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## tlhs (Jun 21, 2011)

newwife07 said:


> Question #1: Why was he looking in your email?
> 
> Second, if he's calling you names then you have a bigger problem on your hands. He doesn't know how to deal with his anger
> 
> The men I dated before my husband were like that too. I could care less how many each had slept with (including my husband) as long as they were clean and faithful only to me. So I can't at all relate to your husband.


He reads my emails a lot. He would admit that he has issues with trusting women, which is why this is such a horrible problem.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tlhs said:


> I agree that she needs to step back and evaluate her dating habits. However, she is a very educated, intelligent, funny and beautiful girl. *She has had a string of short lived monogamous relationships over the past ten years, *in addition to a few long term ones as well. I don't agree she should feel "bad" about this. Although I agree that 20 seems like alot of people to have had sex with.


A prospective husband would take that into account. 20 at age 30 is one thing. 20 at 18 is another. Just sayin. Again not judging the person. But a husband has to make a judgement about the person and sexual history is important to many if not most. 

To me one should be honest. That is number one. If a woman would lie about this and perhaps most do, it does put into doubt what else they might lie about down the road when the stakes are higher.

She sounds hot! ( sorry )

Anyway, and this may be total BS but I was reading about a study where they asked men and women how many sexual partners they would like to have over the next two years.

Men wanted something like 12.
The women wanted 1.

At first glance it looked like men wanted polygamy and the women monogamy. Well sort of. It turned out the guys did want to repopulate the planet. The male body agenda. The women however, wanted that 1 to be "at a time". They actually wanted from 1 to 3 guys over the next two years.
So it was monogamous but it was not long term monogamy.
They wanted to keep .... looking for the best male available from time to time. No judgement here. Just saying the body agenda for women is to seek out the best male at a given time.

So to me it makes sense that she would have a string of monogamous relationships over time. It is seen by some to be natural.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> "I can do this but don't like when you do it" is a double standard.


Ok. So what? Why can't a person make their decisions for themselves based on any criteria they please? Especially when selecting a partner you intend to raise a family with and spend the rest of your life. Does being politically correct and "fair" even matter?

Now for me, I don't really have a double standard. I was looking for compatible.

Did we conclude he had slept with many women? Why are we assuming he are any of the rest of us have a double standard. Are we talking society?

Men and women deserve respect and should have their own identities and so on. But do MEN have to equal WOMEN. Not talking about equal rights here. MEN and WOMEN are different. I do not want to be married to a man. I want a woman. I get to define what kind of woman I marry. We are not talking about hiring a person for a job here.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Yeah, if he has issues trusting women, and you've given him no reason (aside from this) to make him feel insecure, then it's his problem and he should seek counseling and you're only enabling him by agreeing to the test. I know this because I used to be a very jealous person.

Offer to go with him as a couples counseling session. Tell him to look into REBT therapy. Helped me get over my trust issues.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I was responding to this: 



Entropy3000 said:


> *Not a double standard.*
> 
> *It can be a double standard* if the giuy sleeps with a 100 women and yet he demands a virgin to marry. That said, he has every right to chose that way. Doubel standard or not. Things like this do not have to be "equal".





Entropy3000 said:


> Ok. So what?






Entropy3000 said:


> Why can't a person make their decisions for themselves based on any criteria they please?


They can absolutely make their decisions for themselves.

I was simply saying that the idea that "I can do this but you cannot do it/I don't like when you do the same thing I do" IS a double standard.


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## tlhs (Jun 21, 2011)

Vixen3927 said:


> It's not very fair for him to judge you about your past. He really has no say in anything you did prior to meeting him because who knew you'd meet him and he'd be the one you marry. He could have just been guy #11 of a longer list. It would have been just as unfair for guy #6 to say anything about guys 1-5 if you had ended up marrying him. You were free to sleep with those other men because you weren't MARRIED (and I'm assuming and hoping you didn't cheat on any of them when you were dating the other dudes). If there was anything going on while you were in another relationship or within your marriage, then your husband could have a leg to stand on. Right now, though, it seems like he's putting both feet in his mouth and now he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
> 
> As far as the polygraph is concerned, you could go one of two ways. You could refuse to take it because you really don't have to prove anything here and your self-respect and integrity are more important. OR, you could take the test and prove to him how much you do care about him, know that you're telling the truth, and willing to prove it to him. Those polygraph tests, though, are not accurate and if he is seriously considering going to those lengths to believe you, it seems to me there is a deeper trust issue on his part than meets the eye. A rational, level-headed person would not jump to having someone go as far as taking a POLYGRAPH test to prove to them they aren't lying. So my guess is your husband has some more stuff going on than what he's telling you because that is not normal or typical behaviors or reactions to this type of situation.


He thinks women are generally dishonest. He has a lot of really great qualities, but trust has always been a problem. Sometimes I think I would like to take the polygraph to put an end to this, but I can't help but feel that it would make my marriage feel like a freakshow--a maury povich episode. I literally feel nauseas thinking of being hooked up to a lie detector test with a stranger and my husband hovering, waiting to see if I'm really a sl*t. I was a 32 year old professional woman when I got married, and my husband was 34 and divorced. I don't feel my sex life before marriage should bother him so much. His wife never cheated, so I'm not sure where he gets the trust issues.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok well the thing is you did lie about your # so that is what you need to deal with now. Be totally open and honest with him about why you lied about the # and go from there. He is either going to be able to move past it or not. 

The past cannot be changed so you guys either work through this or you don't. 



tlhs said:


> He thinks women are generally dishonest. He has a lot of really great qualities, but trust has always been a problem.


Elaborate.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Vixen3927 said:


> It's not very fair for him to judge you about your past. He really has no say in anything you did prior to meeting him because who knew you'd meet him and he'd be the one you marry. He could have just been guy #11 of a longer list. It would have been just as unfair for guy #6 to say anything about guys 1-5 if you had ended up marrying him. You were free to sleep with those other men because you weren't MARRIED (and I'm assuming and hoping you didn't cheat on any of them when you were dating the other dudes). If there was anything going on while you were in another relationship or within your marriage, then your husband could have a leg to stand on. Right now, though, it seems like he's putting both feet in his mouth and now he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
> 
> As far as the polygraph is concerned, you could go one of two ways. You could refuse to take it because you really don't have to prove anything here and your self-respect and integrity are more important. OR, you could take the test and prove to him how much you do care about him, know that you're telling the truth, and willing to prove it to him. Those polygraph tests, though, are not accurate and if he is seriously considering going to those lengths to believe you, it seems to me there is a deeper trust issue on his part than meets the eye. A rational, level-headed person would not jump to having someone go as far as taking a POLYGRAPH test to prove to them they aren't lying. So my guess is your husband has some more stuff going on than what he's telling you because that is not normal or typical behaviors or reactions to this type of situation.


He has every right to know how many men she slept with and the type of relationships. What he is upset about is that he perceives he was lied to and cheated out of the information he wanted to have in choosing her as his wife. He has every right to do so. Women can be free as any man is to sleep with as many people as they wish and under any cricumstances they wish. But men as do women have the right to know at a high level their partners sexual history up front. Whether they choose to care about the specifics or not is not the issue.

Men care for a lot of reasons. Insecurity is not amongst them. I cannot speak for women. There are personal and legal reasons he should make a good choice in a wife. Some guys do not care up front so much. Many find later that they wish they knew.

Again, a man does not have to aplogize to anyone about this. They are free to make any judgement about anything when it comes to choosing a life partner. Women are too. How is that unfair?

I think the ploygraph is stupid. She messed up. It happens. I do think he needs to make a judgement about whether she is telling the truth without a ploygraph.


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## tlhs (Jun 21, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok well the thing is you did lie about your # so that is what you need to deal with now. Be totally open and honest with him about why you lied about the # and go from there. He is either going to be able to move past it or not.
> 
> The past cannot be changed so you guys either work through this or you don't.
> 
> ...


I didn't lie to him, but I can understand why he thinks I did.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Explain that to him.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> Again, I'm not sure if it really matters if the number is exact, or 'about'. In your case, it was before you married. People can become committed to a relationship. I just don't understand why there is this tendency to pat guys on the shoulder for having a larger number, but many tend to feel insecure with a woman with a larger number than us. Call it naive, or amusingly arrogant, but its just a chance to tell myself that she's seen alot of ways it can be done wrong. If not, I can be pretty confident that she'll carry that little secret to the grave. Ignorance is bliss.


What is not equal between men and women yet:

Women give birth to the children. Men are wired to care about other men impregnating thier wife. It is Darwinism. In today's legal system men are responsible for the children that result from the marriage whether they are his or not. Women are hardwired to being attracted to the next level up male. In search of better genes if you will. So we look for .... character and have to rely on past behaviors. Along with being smoking hot of course. At least to us.

I know you are going to say but before the marriage does not matter, but it comes down to the man wanting to choose the right female for him. We all come with a resume of expereince. Good points, bad and in between. Only the prospective partner can decide what is important and what is not. They may care more about the university they went to than the number of sexual partners. Telling lies up front may work and then again they may not. I do hear about women saying that they should lie to men about this and take it to their grave. So too about infedility and about the childs real father. So please understand that we men hear this and therefore are a little bit skeptical what we are told ... Gee why are men so insecure and mistrusting. You do the math.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I do hear about women saying that they should lie to men about this and take it to their grave.


Some men do the same thing. 

Nonetheless, you make some good points.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tlhs said:


> I didn't lie to him, but I can understand why he thinks I did.


I think he needs to listen to you and make a judement based on his trust he has for you. Explain what you did and why. He will have to accept it of not.

That said, it likely will make him more suspicious in the long run. All I think you can do is make sure you donlt fall into a habit of telling people what they want to hear and stick with what you perceive as truthful.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Some men do the same thing.
> 
> Nonetheless, you make some good points.


I hate those guys. Men do not get a free pass with me for sure. I do tend to take the male view on this forum. Frankly I love women. Women make the world go around for me. I have two daughters. They are the world to me and I get to see the other side of things for sure.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I do tend to take the male view on this forum.


Could it be because you're a... man?  LOL


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> "I can do this but don't like when you do it" is a double standard.


Personally, I think the double standard is propagated more by hollywood, and maybe less by everyday individuals. My own past was the primary reason that my wife told me before we dated that she would never marry a guy like me. It was only after significant change that she agreed to go out on a date. Basically, if a guy has standards, he usually wants a woman with similar standards. Still, we see on this site that a few guys sometimes are more insecure about it.

A point that we often forget is that regardless of the past, people can and do change. With the OP, regardless of her life before the marriage, she said that he will attest that she is a good wife and mother. That makes this a tragedy, in a sense.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Could it be because you're a... man?  LOL


:smthumbup: And .... loving it!!

LOL


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

tlhs said:


> I didn't lie to him, but I can understand why he thinks I did.


I think we all agree being honest about what led to this point is the best way to go about things. And don't be afraid to voice the fact that you think he's taking this a little bit to the extreme with the polygraph. Willing to sit down and answer any questions he had should be enough, but like someone said before he has to be willing to not use it against you later.

I was told once that it was better to not know about the sordid details of past loves. As someone who experienced a EA and just had to get the details - it sucks to know. I think looking back I could've been fine without knowing. But I had a lot of help coping with the knowledge I asked for - from here and some counseling.

This does seem like he needs some additional outside help. Are you guys involved in a church?


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Mrs Chai said:


> I think we all agree being honest about what led to this point is the best way to go about things. And don't be afraid to voice the fact that you think he's taking this a little bit to the extreme with the polygraph. Willing to sit down and answer any questions he had should be enough, but like someone said before he has to be willing to not use it against you later.
> 
> I was told once that it was better to not know about the sordid details of past loves. As someone who experienced a EA and just had to get the details - it sucks to know. I think looking back I could've been fine without knowing. But I had a lot of help coping with the knowledge I asked for - from here and some counseling.
> 
> This does seem like he needs some additional outside help. Are you guys involved in a church?


AGREED, it is MUCH easier to get over something if you don't know the sordid details.

My hubby had an EA while we were dating and I know I'd be much better off (stress-wise, even in terms of my HEALTH) if I didn't know.

But since he does know now, AND he's always had trust issues, I'd definitely seek outside counseling. Some problems are just too big to solve on your own, and he should recognize that and seek help.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> Personally, I think the double standard is propagated more by hollywood, and maybe less by everyday individuals. My own past was the primary reason that my wife told me before we dated that she would never marry a guy like me. It was only after significant change that she agreed to go out on a date. Basically, if a guy has standards, he usually wants a woman with similar standards. Still, we see on this site that a few guys sometimes are more insecure about it.
> 
> A point that we often forget is that regardless of the past, people can and do change. With the OP, regardless of her life before the marriage, she said that he will attest that she is a good wife and mother. That makes this a tragedy, in a sense.


Yes. People can change. My wife felt the same about me. She got to know me and made her choice. She did have all the information up front.

That said, how much of change is something people should take into consideration. You see the discussions about GNOs and partying and such and then men get bashed for expecting thier wives to change their behavior after they get married and to stop acting single. So you just can't win.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Halien said:


> A point that we often forget is that regardless of the past, people can and do change. With the OP, regardless of her life before the marriage, she said that he will attest that she is a good wife and mother. That makes this a tragedy, in a sense.


What do you mean?

I am interested to know more about OP saying that her hub has a lot of trust issues with women, that he always had. I have no doubt this recent has def made it worse but I am would like to hear more background info re: his trust issues she mentioned.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What do you mean?
> 
> I am interested to know more about OP saying that her hub has a lot of trust issues with women, that he always had. I have no doubt this recent has def made it worse but I am would like to hear more background info re: his trust issues she mentioned.


For a significant percentage of people, the decision to marry comes about as part of a greater life change. Maybe you realize that the previous lifestyle is superficial. Some, like me, turn away from selfish lifestyles, and then meet someone they later wish to marry. Its sad to be judged for something if you can no longer even relate to the person you were before. The whole foundation of my religious belief is that the the superficial beliefs of our past no longer have power over us.

I grew up among a biker culture of my parents, years before yuppies could drive one without being beaten for doing so. My wife didn't marry the guy who was addicted to fighting, and slept with any set of parted thighs available. She married me, and never has judged me for the past. Now, the closest I come to fighting is with my lawnmower when it won't start. I can't even stand watching it on TV.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

It is an old stereotype that women love the bad boys and then try to change them. Makes sense. They are excited by the Alpha male and then want to have the comfort of him settling down and being more Beta. 

Men want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.

Sure folks can change, rebel against thier past and so on. They just should not lie about their past. They should be secure in themselves and who they are and what they have become. No secrets.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Halien -- Forgive my ignorance but which part is the "tragedy" as you stated? The fact that he won't let her past go or the fact that she did not tell him her real #?

I has a confused!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's stupid really, the missus herself is rather well, 'experienced' in this regard. But I appreciate it a lot; she is great during our intimate times, and she's also incredibly loyal and trustworthy - best to have a girl who's 'been there, done that' I say.

Only problem is that she's so 'changed' to the point I still reckon she's bi-in-denial 
Hell if only I could have been there during some of her past 'adventures'!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> It's stupid really, the missus herself is rather well, 'experienced' in this regard. But I appreciate it a lot; she is great during our intimate times, and she's also incredibly loyal and trustworthy - best to have a girl who's 'been there, done that' I say.
> 
> Only problem is that she's so 'changed' to the point I still reckon she's bi-in-denial
> Hell if only I could have been there during some of her past 'adventures'!


That is why it is dumb to lie. Trying to be someone else. Be secure in who you are. If the person is influenced negatively by the woman's history then they are with the wrong person.

Some men take their wives to the strip club and get off on them getting lap dances from the Ladys. If this is how they both roll then great. But they are better off being honest with each other .... up front.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> That is why it is dumb to lie. Trying to be someone else. Be secure in who you are. If the person is influenced negativeky by the woman's history then they are with the wrong person.


:iagree:


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> :iagree:


I have to disagree with that. My husband is super sensitive about that "numbers", but he's the right guy for me. We just don't talk about it, and everyone's happy. I am who I am today, and he is who he is today.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

newwife07 said:


> I have to disagree with that. My husband is super sensitive about that "numbers", but he's the right guy for me. We just don't talk about it, and everyone's happy. I am who I am today, and he is who he is today.


She was agreeing with the below: 
-----------
*That is why it is dumb to lie. Trying to be someone else. Be secure in who you are. If the person is influenced negatively by the woman's history then they are with the wrong person.*
-----------

What part of the above are you disagreeing with?

If he knew the real numbers would he be more concerned about the GNOs with the single girls? Surely he knows the real numbers.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

_To the OP my sister slept with the equivalent to a football team._

Is that the on field squad or the full team including special teams? Hey I'm not judging, my own sister is/was an indiscriminate ho-bag who would bang anything, male or female. She stopped developing in the 5th grade.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> She was agreeing with the below:
> -----------
> *That is why it is dumb to lie. Trying to be someone else. Be secure in who you are. If the person is influenced negatively by the woman's history then they are with the wrong person.*
> -----------
> ...


I disagree because I honestly think that there's some info a couple just doesn't need to know about each other. And a man can be a "good person" or "the right guy" and still react extremely negatively to (or, as you say, be negatively influenced by) knowing about numbers. So who needs it?

For example, if I need to know how many people my hubby's slept with, why shouldn't I also need to know more details about his feelings for each of those women? What they were wearing on the night they first had sex? 

The past is the past and I don't think you need to disclose everything, even if you're asked a direct and intrusive question like "how many people have you slept with?"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No I definitely think it's stupid to lie to someone's face about something. It's not wise to pretend to be someone you are not. 

There is being true to who you are or just flat out lying to your partner.

The latter is not good for either party.

If someone doesn't ask you a question, that's one thing (for instance, I wouldn't care for graphic details) but if I asked someone "did you have sex with X" and they LIED to my face yeah, that would definitely piss me off.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

*Re: polygraph*



tlhs said:


> About 4 months ago, my younger sister emailed me to tell me that her boyfriend had asked her how many people she has slept with. She said around twenty. He seemed fine with it, but she was feeling bad about that number. I tried to make her feel better by saying that I had slept with around that many, but I would never have told may husband that. I have actually slept with around half that number, and I was honest with him about it, but I wanted her not to feel bad about herself, and to know that many men would feel uncomfortable with that number.


To lie to your sister in this way, is taking a huge risk. 

This is very dangerous game you playing, the deception likely to have cut your husband deeper than you imagine.

Whether you tell him the truth or your sister, your motivation (to make her feel better) making him wonder very seriously, how quick where you over the years to lie to him to "protect" him or "make him feel better?".

Whether zero times or a thousand times, be sure in his mind is this question, and will not go away easily.



> My husband found that email, and was completely distraught. He says that he is digusted with me, and that our 7 year marriage had been based on a lie. He says that I've been a good mother to our 2 children, and a good wife, but he can't get past this. If we argue about other things, it comes back to this issue. He will also get angry about it when we are not arguing. I understand his anger to a certain degree, but I think it's gone too far.


It may go even farther before this is over for him. 



> He wants me to do a polygraph test to prove that I didn't lie to him about how many people I'd slept with before we met. I would pass a polygraph, but I feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with him wanting me to do one. I have never cheated, or done anything that I have to hide, I just feel really hurt that my sexual past is that important to him considering our history together.


A man with a woman, her sexual history very important to him.

If he leads you to believe it is not, he is not being very honest himself.

Not to say it cannot be outweighed by the rest of the relationship, and if it is then rejoice, but do not think if so it is not without a great amount of effort or even denial.

This to a man, VERY important. 



> He has called me some really hurtful names, and my reactions range from being very sad, to very angry. I know that it was wrong for me to be dishonest in that email. I just think that if I take the test, that I will feel resentment for the rest of my life.


Your husband caught you lying to your sister, he has to decide whether to believe which person you really being truthful to. This is most difficult!

If you are to move forward, do not just consider the polygraph (I wonder even myself if passing it would be enough for your husband), but consider joint marriage counseling as well.

Could be your husband already hiding resentment over your sexual past number already, this latest issue merely the straw breaking this camel's back.

YOur situation is going to be tough to work through, I wish you well.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> _To the OP my sister slept with the equivalent to a football team._
> 
> Is that the on field squad or the full team including special teams? Hey I'm not judging, my own sister is/was an indiscriminate ho-bag who would bang anything, male or female. She stopped developing in the 5th grade.


Wow. At least nothing was said about the band.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

newwife07 said:


> I disagree because I honestly think that there's some info a couple just doesn't need to know about each other. And a man can be a "good person" or "the right guy" and still react extremely negatively to (or, as you say, be negatively influenced by) knowing about numbers. So who needs it?
> 
> For example, if I need to know how many people my hubby's slept with, why shouldn't I also need to know more details about his feelings for each of those women? What they were wearing on the night they first had sex?
> 
> The past is the past and I don't think you need to disclose everything, even if you're asked a direct and intrusive question like "how many people have you slept with?"


I would be more interested in the type of relationship my soon to be wife had. Not the sexual specifics. Did she have 50 ONS versus 3 LTRs and whatever in between. For me ... It just might matter. It is not the whole picture for sure. But it matters for me. If the woman is reluctant to speak about it, then that speaks for itself. It is what works for the couple.

Openess and honesty are the key. You are very young which is a great thing. For me the openness and honesty with my wife have just brought us closer and it is important to us.
Your marriage may evolve to that point .. or not.

It would be awkward to introduce my stbw to a group of colleagues and find out they each had taken their turn with her. Gee especially my boss. :rofl: ( think Office Space here )

Ok, ok. But maybe she was a stripper from Austin. I need to know that too.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Hmmmm. Just read in Men's Health only 1 in 3 women lie about how many men they have slept with. Not sure how they would know but 1 in 3 is a better number than I would have guessed.

Of course the same article says:

She cheated: 32%
She's loyal: 68%

Wow, 1 in 3 also cheat.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Halien -- Forgive my ignorance but which part is the "tragedy" as you stated? The fact that he won't let her past go or the fact that she did not tell him her real #?
> 
> I has a confused!


Sorry, the part about constantly bringing up his dissapointment of the past. Not suggesting that the OPs past was something to be embarrassed about, but her husband began to treat her this way, instead of honoring all the good she has done. When you think about the relationship dynamics between the two views, this is a big deal.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Say, tlhs, this may be a stab in the dark, but perhaps he is not concerned with this issue-maybe he is miffed at you about something else, and he's been spoiling for a fight, and this was his excuse.

A friend of mine had something similar: he was tasked with planning his brother's bachelor party (strippers and all), and she was okay with it, even helping him by calling the friends to invite them.

After the party and wedding, she turned on him and he was put through hell for two months, her saying that she couldn't believe what a pervert he was, she hated him because he would do such a thing, and she kept him in the doghouse over the party.

Turns out, she was really mad at him because he spent a couple of thousand to fix his Harley, and she was just looking for a Pearl Harbor so that she could declare war.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Forgot to ask: did he ever call you names before, or did it start with this?

To me, name calling is just like hitting-it tells me that you are incapable of finding a mature, intelligent solution to the problem, and that you lose control too easily.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

And, on a darker note: they say that the best defense is a good offense-perhaps HE has something to hide?


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