# down that rabbit hole again



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

As soon as things seem to get better for us, with FWH doing all the right things and seeing hope return to his eyes, I find myself slipping down that rabbit hole of depression, regret, self pity, and fear to communicate to him that I still feel so much pain.

What is wrong with me that I can't just move on? I made the decision to remain with him, now why can I not stop questioning the past and allow the present and future to unfurl with hope?

How does a BS determine that their pain is either self -induced (self pity, playing the victim, revenge orientated, possibly even unconsciously trying to sabotage R) or a sign that the FWS has not done enough to heal the betrayed, that unresolved issues remain...and when is enough heavy lifting enough?

Or...is this simply the fact that the cold consequences of his past decisions will forever be the BSs reality?

I know I am responsible for my own happiness..why do I keep punishing myself like this?

Sorry..I guess I AM feeling sorry for myself..the reoccuring pain is simply part of the decision to stay. I made THAT bed...now I had better put on my big girl panties and lay in it, right?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

allwillbewell said:


> As soon as things seem to get better for us, with FWH doing all the right things and seeing hope return to his eyes, I find myself slipping down that rabbit hole of depression, regret, self pity, and fear to communicate to him that I still feel so much pain.
> 
> *You mentioned fear. Fear of what? *
> 
> ...


*How do you cope with your pain? Which part is the most difficult to deal with?*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why? Because your trust has been broken and it takes a long time to get it back. Few ever trust completely, as they did before, again. The old marriage is gone and a new one has to be created. It takes a couple of years at minimum to do that and often longer. A betrayed spouse can forgive. But you don't ever forget. Triggers can last for many years. 

R is hard work.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I think it's important to keep in mind that we are dealing with BOTH *posttraumatic stress* AND *grief* (I go over that stuff in Shirley Glass' book NOT Just Friends from time to time when I start to question why I feel the way I do). This *IS* a long process. 

And I do understand the fear you're talking about: you may be having a perfectly nice day with your husband, but the thoughts about the affair are suddenly there and then the sad feelings are too. Maybe it came from some identifiable trigger, but sometimes it comes out of nowhere. You're afraid to "wreck" the moment. So you hold off, trying to decide when to "time it" so the you don't "ruin" the nice time you're having, but you don't want to wait TOO long either.... It's a balancing act, and you feel afraid that the gains you've made, individually and as a couple, could be affected by interjecting your pain.

I get that - and it's OK to wait, unless you're really suffering or about to cry. We don't have to blurt out everything we think the moment that we think it. That isn't what "honest communication" and "emotional intimacy" means. That's actually just self-centered and rude, when you think about it! There IS a time and a place for everything. But you DO need to share these things with him, if he's going to be able to take both the opportunity (yes, it is that) and responsibility (absolutely!) to help you heal. Give him the CHANCE to help you. Even if it's hard work for him, and even if you don't like to speak the words about this unpleasant stuff (sometimes you don't want to say the words out loud, do you?). Better out than in!!

There is NO WAY around grief - you can only go through it. To deny it is to make it worse. And that is part of this journey. There are a lot of losses associated with this, a lot of grief. You have to deal with it. The trauma too. And you NEED his help most of all. Don't try to keep it in or you will only feel worse. Are you in MC? If not, you may need it so you will be getting this stuff out on a regular basis. If you are in MC, does he or she know a lot about infidelity and trauma? That's the ideal situation. If not, I recommend trying to find one here, and check the bios to make sure about the therapist's background:

Marriage Friendly Therapists


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