# I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

*I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*

I think many people are stuck in blah marriages where they know they're going to get divorced at some point and are just waiting for the right time. I wish it was possible to tell your spouse that you wanted a divorce when the time was appropriate. Maybe that's when the kids are out of school, when someone gets a job, or some other significant event. Then at least appropriate planning could be made to ease the transition as much as possible. 

But that can't really be done because you never know how the other person will react. Talking about a divorce is an extremely emotional event and you can't predict if they will take it rationally or freak out. If the timeframe for divorce is many months or years off, the other person may not be able to hold it together and it will either be very rocky or else the divorce will need to be moved up.

I also wish that there wasn't so much hatred in divorce. If you love someone, you should want them to be happy even if that's not with you. But it seems that rarely the case and the divorced spouse will often demonize the other spouse for being such an awful person to leave. 

Has anyone told their spouse, in a calm, rational way, that they wanted a divorce well in the future? How did it go over?


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*

while I have heard of it, I have to say why bother? I mean if your spouse knows for certain it will happen at X time then what encouragement do they have to stay even that long? Divorce should never be taken lightly, and should not even be considered an option until all others have failed. at that point, don't delay the inevitable.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*



wilson said:


> I think many people are stuck in blah marriages where they know they're going to get divorced at some point and are just waiting for the right time. I wish it was possible to tell your spouse that you wanted a divorce when the time was appropriate. Maybe that's when the kids are out of school, when someone gets a job, or some other significant event. Then at least appropriate planning could be made to ease the transition as much as possible.
> 
> But that can't really be done because you never know how the other person will react. Talking about a divorce is an extremely emotional event and you can't predict if they will take it rationally or freak out. If the timeframe for divorce is many months or years off, the other person may not be able to hold it together and it will either be very rocky or else the divorce will need to be moved up.
> 
> ...


VERY RARE, VERY...My first wife asked to leave and I did not try and stop her. That was over 20 years ago. When I see her these days I still say, "Your LOSS!!". HA We joke about it. It was probably much easier than most as I didnt hold anything against her very long. It actually helped me finish college and live the life I wanted anyway. As you said, we both ended up HAPPY. DUDE


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*



happy2gether said:


> while I have heard of it, I have to say why bother? I mean if your spouse knows for certain it will happen at X time then what encouragement do they have to stay even that long?


Some reasons to stay would be so that the kids could handle it better, they wouldn't have to split houses or schools, financial impacts from the house or whatever, and stuff like that. If the couple is pretty much living as roommates anyway, why should there be a rush to get out? If divorce was never brought up, they would likely stay without any problem. But then when divorce is brought up, suddenly there's a need to leave.

If you were living with a roommate and said, "when the lease is up, I'm going to move out.", there likely wouldn't be an emotional meltdown. True, marriage is more serious than being roommates, but even the mention of divorce can be so traumatic that an easy transition may be impossible. That's a shame because there are often significant family and financial issues as part of a divorce. If that could be calmly managed over several months it would be better for everyone instead of a "GET OUT NOW!" situation.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*

true, but with a room mate there never was a promise of forever.


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## hopeless116 (Nov 11, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*

Before the current drama which defines my life, my wife told me that she didn't like being married to me and she was staying for the kids. She told me that she would probably leave me when they went to college or whatever.

That hurt me, because I wanted to stay married for the simple fact that I love her, but I knew she was unhappy. I saw the window of time for me to become a better person so that when the time came, she might want to stay with me for me.

Now it seems likely that I'll be moving out in 2016. Not because of what she said. Our issues boil down to me being a selfish *****. We are only traumatizing our children by exposing them to our fights. Something is going to give soon.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*

I tried this approach knowing that it probably wouldn't work and it didn't.

My ex flipped out and told me that if I tried to leave he would take our youngest child and decimate the investment accounts. He realized that he was losing both my income and his maid/cook. Plus he knew I wouldn't be single long.

I knew he wouldn't be able to take our kid and ignored that and the money didn't matter. I had enough of my own and a career that enables me to make more money and money isn't worth being miserable for.

He ended up being able to skim about 300k during the separation him but I considered that a reasonable price to pay to get rid of him. I never even tried to go after it...I didn't really care. I've recovered many times over financially since I divorced him and I re-married someone who's considerably financially well off so that my money will never again be at risk.

He was just an emotional mess too. He ran around town like he was running for mayor trying to get people on his side and tell people that I was divorcing him (like anyone cared). My family, the neighbors, the dentist, the bank manager, etc. I just ignored it and filed. He tried every tactic to delay the divorce and cause legal issues....especially once I started dating my now husband. And he started a stupid custody war...which, of course, he didn't win. Luckily, I'm a reasonable person and gave him the 50/50 access that I offered him at the beginning because it was in my child's best interest to have fair access to her father.

In the end though, I wouldn't change a thing I did. I was fair, reasonable, logical, calm and I gave him every opportunity to do the right thing. For me, his behavior was all the final validation that I needed to know that divorce was the right move for me because I was married to someone that was completely not compatible with my values and goals.

Today...I'm very happily remarried...he's single, angry, bitter and alone. The only thing I still deal with is that he's moody and inflicts that upon our child during his parental time with her so she comes home upset from time to time. But she's old enough and mature enough to deal with it and if he ruins the relationship she has with him, that's his problem. 

I would always advise anyone...even if its unlikely to try to amicably divorce. I certainly would have if I could have. Its the smartest approach for everyone involved. But if you're dealing with a self-absorbed, emotional person...it generally won't work unfortunately....they usually only care about themselves and don't really care about what's best for the children.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*

Wilson,

The best approach to this type conversation is oddly enough, financial as opposed to emotional. 

For example:
I think we ought to create a financial plan that leaves both of us in a decent situation if the marriage ends when our kids leave for college.

-------
Will you get a melt down over that? Probably. So what. It opens the door to an honest conversation. And your part of it ought to be brief: I'm not agreeable to stay in a marriage that is driven more by financial stability than love. 

And then shut the heck up and let her talk. And when she is done talking you can add: If we can fix things great, if not, it is better to have a plan that ensures you won't be in a distressed situation. Because I don't want that. Even if this - ends - I don't want you to be in a bad spot. 





wilson said:


> I think many people are stuck in blah marriages where they know they're going to get divorced at some point and are just waiting for the right time. I wish it was possible to tell your spouse that you wanted a divorce when the time was appropriate. Maybe that's when the kids are out of school, when someone gets a job, or some other significant event. Then at least appropriate planning could be made to ease the transition as much as possible.
> 
> But that can't really be done because you never know how the other person will react. Talking about a divorce is an extremely emotional event and you can't predict if they will take it rationally or freak out. If the timeframe for divorce is many months or years off, the other person may not be able to hold it together and it will either be very rocky or else the divorce will need to be moved up.
> 
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*



MEM11363 said:


> Wilson,
> 
> The best approach to this type conversation is oddly enough, financial as opposed to emotional.
> 
> ...


Very compassionate, MEM.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*

Anyone who gets a prenup is basically saying they have no faith in the marriage which is why they've got the backup plan, and that's not any different from saying "we're getting married now but it's probably not going to last" which is really not all that different from saying "I'd like to plan for divorce some day".


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*



> Anyone who gets a prenup is basically saying they have no faith in the marriage which is why they've got the backup plan, and that's not any different from saying "we're getting married now but it's probably not going to last" which is really not all that different from saying "I'd like to plan for divorce some day".


Regardless of whether you get a prenup or not...any woman with children who doesn't understand what she'd do in the event of divorce or death is a fool and a very irresponsible parent.

Whether you want to face it or not, the divorce rate is over 50% and there's a very real chance that you could end up dissolving your marriage. Relationships change over time, people change over time and sometimes they don't change the same way and divorce is a solution to that. And even if you make the commitment to never divorce, you cannot control if someone wants to divorce you.

I have car insurance for the exact same reasons.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*



header said:


> Anyone who gets a prenup is basically saying they have no faith in the marriage which is why they've got the backup plan, and that's not any different from saying "we're getting married now but it's probably not going to last" which is really not all that different from saying "I'd like to plan for divorce some day".


Foolish, naïve, dangerous thinking. Reality requires rational planning, not vacuous wishes and hopes.


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## mrsray2197 (Dec 10, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*

My husband told me he wanted a divorce. He said because he wasn't happy, but he was lying, he was having an affair. Our marriage wasn't perfect but I do believe savable, but he wanted nothing to do with that because he had already committed to someone else. I really thought we could be kind through our divorce. I have tried, he has now created a nasty situation which I don't get at all. I feel like you, you've loved someone for a long time why now cant you be kind and we do have kids, grown but none the less they are very disturbed at his behavior. Our divorce could have been easy and nice, but apparently he couldn't deal with it that way. Now I often wonder if we will even ever speak again.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*

My sister and her husband and my parents both planned out they would get a divorce when the children graduated from high school. Both of those marriages ended on great terms dividing assets using the same lawyer, both couples grew apart so there was no cheating and both couples are good friends today. That's unusual and it only worked because both spouses wanted the divorce. When one spouse wants a divorce and the other doesn't I see no reason to tell the spouse that in the future you are going to want a divorce. It would be very difficult living together until that time.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*



Married but Happy said:


> Foolish, naïve, dangerous thinking. Reality requires rational planning, not vacuous wishes and hopes.


Anyone who gets married thinking it's going to be a wonderful lifetime commitment is participating in foolish, naive, dangerous thinking.

The reality is that most marriages fail, even those that don't end in divorce because the 2 parties remain together for convenience, or fear, or finances.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*



Happilymarried25 said:


> My sister and her husband and my parents both planned out they would get a divorce when the children graduated from high school. Both of those marriages ended on great terms dividing assets using the same lawyer, both couples grew apart so there was no cheating and both couples are good friends today. That's unusual and it only worked because both spouses wanted the divorce. When one spouse wants a divorce and the other doesn't I see no reason to tell the spouse that in the future you are going to want a divorce. It would be very difficult living together until that time.


My ex and I talked about this, in an amicable and reasonable manner, a couple years ago when we realized we were no longer in love with each other, but still loved and respected each other as people and parents and partners. Then, a year later, he met the other woman he left me for, and that went right out the window. Our son is 13.

In spite of all the lying, self-deluding, insensitive crap he put us all through over the course of his affair before and after D-Day, our divorce was extremely amicable. His lawyer was so amazed how much so, in fact, that he sent me a handwritten thank you note after it was final saying that it had, ironically, been a pleasure ("breath of fresh air" were the words he used) to work with me and he wished me all the best in the future.

If you marry an overly emotional, self-centered drama wh0re, you'll divorce an overly emotional, self-centered drama wh0re.

People don't change - they just get older.

I do wish my ex had had the moral character to leave me honorably once he felt disconnected enough from me to start an affair, and had been honest about that. But he didn't and doesn't, and he's always been that way.

OP, if you're feeling that disconnected from your wife to the point that you truly believe there is no saving it - you don't want to do counseling, you don't want to take steps together to try to be happier with each other - and you're sure she is not on the same page with you, then do the right thing and be honest with your wife about how you feel and the fact that you want to divorce. Don't tell her that in X years you think you should, and let's just live together like amicable roommates until then for the kids' sake. And don't suffer in silence, growing to resent her more with each passing day. Leave and be alone for a while before you start anything up with someone else.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*

I was thinking that in any type of breakup--friendship, dating, or marriage--the dumpee usually takes it hard and very personally. It must be something hard-wired into us to react this way since it's so universal.

I was remembering an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry realized that everything worked out for him. Things like, if he lost $20 in the street, he later found $20 in an old jacket pocket. The girl he's dating in the episode tells him she wants to break up. Jerry is not bothered by this and unemotionally says something like, "Ok, it was nice dating you. Bye." He realizes that there's no sense in getting worked up about it since he'll meet someone else soon enough. It was funny in the show because it's unusual, but it's a pity that is not the more usual case in any type of breakup.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*

Yes, I have.... I've always been up front an honest with my feelings. I give TONS of warnings... I try to make it easy. Like hey you, over there, my spouse, I need some ****ing attention. 

but yes, I have told him as of a year ago, that I don't see him in my future anymore and I want out. Thing is I'm now working right now (we moved for his job and I was supposed to be taking care of our young boys)... so it's not so easy to just jump and say see ya. 

I've asked him to do this in a nice way- allow me to go to school or somehow help me transition into a job, get kids in daycare and get caught up on some debts, then I can leave.

His answer is one of 2.... first one is hell no, if you want to leave now, LEAVE and you can't take the kids, you really expect me to foot the bill so you can be here unhappy and probably cheat on me, no way ... OR he does the 2nd one which is the begging and pleading, but why, just give me more time to prove to you that I can show you i'm the perfect husband for you. 
Obviously still here.... 

to me- it doesn't seem to work... he just see it as meaningless threats. or he just doesn't give a **** bc he knows I can't do so much at this point anyways.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*



header said:


> Anyone who gets a prenup is basically saying they have no faith in the marriage which is why they've got the backup plan, and that's not any different from saying "we're getting married now but it's probably not going to last" which is really not all that different from saying "I'd like to plan for divorce some day".


uh no. This is naive thinking.


A prenup is a sound investment.

if you and your SO have nothing, then there isn't a need for one. You build what you have from nothing.

However, when you are established, you need to protect what you have built when bringing a new person into the mix.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*

If my wife came up and said "I would like to divorce you in a couple years when the timeline works for me" I would likely not respond in a manner she would find satisfactory lol. Needless to say I would call a lawyer right after the conversation and move her timeline up considerably.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*



happy2gether said:


> while I have heard of it, I have to say why bother? I mean if your spouse knows for certain it will happen at X time then what encouragement do they have to stay even that long? Divorce should never be taken lightly, and should not even be considered an option until all others have failed. at that point, don't delay the inevitable.


I think this only works when both parties have the "feeling" that their marriage is over and I completely agree with your statement. OP, listen to this poster! Why bother? The spouse could go on the defensive and not stay to make the transition better for you or even them and the tension could be really bad. Of course divorce will be an emotional event. If you were on the other end of the stick and the love of your life wanted to leave, it would hurt! Yes, you would try to be rational to make them happy because you care, but you would also feel betrayed and upset that you did something wrong and well, some people just do or say things when they are that hurt like that.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*



snerg said:


> uh no. This is naive thinking.
> 
> 
> A prenup is a sound investment.
> ...


If you want to protect what you have, then don't get married.

Thinking that a marriage is likely to last forever is naive thinking.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*



wilson said:


> I think many people are stuck in blah marriages where they know they're going to get divorced at some point and are just waiting for the right time. I wish it was possible to tell your spouse that you wanted a divorce when the time was appropriate. Maybe that's when the kids are out of school, when someone gets a job, or some other significant event. Then at least appropriate planning could be made to ease the transition as much as possible.
> 
> But that can't really be done because you never know how the other person will react. Talking about a divorce is an extremely emotional event and you can't predict if they will take it rationally or freak out. If the timeframe for divorce is many months or years off, the other person may not be able to hold it together and it will either be very rocky or else the divorce will need to be moved up.
> 
> ...


About 6 months ago I told my husband that it is a huge sacrifice on my part to remain one more day with him, but I am doing that for the sake of my children. I told him that every day I was with him, I was miserable, because all I wanted was peace and predictability of what my future held, and with him I didn't have that due to his flaky, unstable personality.

How did he handle it? Initially he got an attitude (defensive, tough, etc.) and said, "Fine, do what you have to do." It didn't scare me at all, because my mind was made up.

A few weeks later, when he realized I was 100% serious. He began seeking out help from books and Marriage seminars on tape. For the first time in our 25 year old marriage, I see him actually changing. He has realized that I am a potential WAW (Walk Away Wife) and that I have given him a gift by telling him my plan in advance.

If he keeps going the way he is, I just might stay. It all depends on if he deals with his issues and makes me feel safe that he will never flake out again, and if he can become one with me rather than live as an island.

So far, my honesty has turned out well. I don't know how else it could turn out....he gives me the gift of not living with him by divorcing me first? That would also be a win.

Just to be clear, I don't hate him. I love him. I just love myself and am tired of the uncertainty of living with him because of his lack of vision, lack of focus, inaction, and lack of oneness with me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: I wish I could say "At an appropriate time in the future, I'd like a divorce."*



header said:


> Anyone who gets a prenup is basically saying they have no faith in the marriage which is why they've got the backup plan, and that's not any different from saying "we're getting married now but it's probably not going to last" which is really not all that different from saying "I'd like to plan for divorce some day".


I disagree this this as there are circumstances in which a pre nup makes sense.

For example I have a friend how married this last summer. She has 3 sons. All are out of high school. She is helping one through college (he has 2 semesters left) and one who might start college. She will also inherit a LOT from her father when he passes a away. She makes about twice what her new husband makes. She has one home now and will inherit her father's very expensive home.

Her husband has a nice savings account (I do their taxes so I know some details.) And owns a car. He refuses to do things like buy a house because he's afraid of debt.

They did a pre nup to protect her children and their inheritance, to make clear that she will pay for their college.


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