# Midlife transition and marriage



## Any wife (Sep 29, 2010)

This is my story. I've been married for 25 years. I have 4 grown children - the youngest one is a senior in high school. They're great kids and I'm proud of every last one of them.

My husband and I started out as best friends. Over the years we've grown distant. He has a slight speech impediment that has not been acknowledged or treated and as a result he does not talk much. 

The lack of communication has been driving me insane. We are almost empty-nesters at this point and the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone that can't/won't carry on a normal conversation is just......lonely.

My midlife crisis hormones peaked (hopefully) in July and I told him that I was thinking about a separation. He was very hurt, crying, and I gave into internal and external pressure and agreed to stay and try to work things out.

We're currently seeing a marriage counselor and frankly, I believe I made a bigger mistake by staying. I think that whatever romantic love I had for him died eons ago while we were busy, busy, busy raising kids and keeping a home and paying the bills.

He's already met his life goals (great job, great family, great income, great house) and I feel like I'm just starting to work on mine. I would like to move out of the area we're currently living in and I don't have the patience to wait while he works out a plan. This has taken up to 9 years in the past.

He's not a bad person. We don't fight or even argue all that much - mostly because he's a clam, albeit a passive-aggressive sort of clam. He's really trying...bought a ton of books on relationships and communication, then again, so have I. But it just feels like too little, too late.

I feel like a hypocrite: I'm going to marriage counseling but I don't feel any commitment in my heart that would keep me here. 

To be honest, the only reason that I don't leave is because I know there are people who are enduring abusive relationships and if they have hope for change and improvement, who am I to be throwing in the towel on 25 years just because we don't have a "connection". We haven't had sex in months, almost a year. I have experienced a serious loss of libido that I'm addressing with a endocrinologist. 

I feel like I'm torturing this man by asking him to work on his basic nature (shy and non-talkative) and by giving him hope when I feel there's very little left. 

Is there where I "fake it til I make it" - just pretend that everything's okay in the hopes that it will turn out fine in the future?


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## Loralie (Sep 29, 2010)

We are almost in the same situation. I am having a hard time trying to get my shy, now non-talkative husband to communicate with me. I also share your same feelings on staying just to stay and hoping everything just works out. I, too, do not just want to throw away a good relationship because I can't stand the shyness. Where is the point where we can say enough is enough?


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## Any wife (Sep 29, 2010)

No advice for me??? I wish someone would chime in...I'm so lost.


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## Any wife (Sep 29, 2010)

Loralie said:


> We are almost in the same situation. I am having a hard time trying to get my shy, now non-talkative husband to communicate with me. I also share your same feelings on staying just to stay and hoping everything just works out. I, too, do not just want to throw away a good relationship because I can't stand the shyness. Where is the point where we can say enough is enough?


Thanks for the reply Loralie. Are you going to MC? I feel so unmotivated. My husband has become such a rigid person in the last few years. He is always right and his way is always the right way. I'm really tired of compromising with him all the time....


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## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

Any wife said:


> To be honest, the only reason that I don't leave is because I know there are people who are enduring abusive relationships and if they have hope for change and improvement, who am I to be throwing in the towel on 25 years just because we don't have a "connection".


IMO A connection can be reclaimed, as with spark and passion and in love feelings.

So my advice would be to give it a try.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

You mentioned the speech problem. Is it affecting his self-confidence? Do you think he should go see a speech therapist?


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Any wife said:


> Thanks for the reply Loralie. Are you going to MC? I feel so unmotivated. My husband has become such a rigid person in the last few years. He is always right and his way is always the right way. I'm really tired of compromising with him all the time....


He's buying books, but is rigid. Makes it sound like he thinks that he knows exactly what the recipe is.

A close friend of mine wanted to talk privately recently. He outlined a similar scenario, but his problem was just centered on his inability to open up. He agreed to therapy, but he sensed that his wife was asking the same questions you are - is it even worth it?

Out of the blue, he commented about short term things he could do. His question was 'what can I give her in the short term to help her see that I absolutely will not settle for complacency'? In his case, he noticed that his wife always watched tv shows with dancing. He signed up with her. That wasn't the fix, but it quickly led to another thing, then another. I suspect he thinks I actually helped.

In his situation, the problem was the complacency. But recently, he said that she needed to see him as the person she fell in love with.

Point is, is it possible that the real problem is that you were once able to deal with the communication issue, but now you wonder why its even worth it?


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## thanksbutnothanks (Oct 11, 2010)

Wow! almost identical story for me. 33 years married but no sex for years. I just registered here so I could respond to your post. I've been in counselling for anxiety for over 2 years. Dr. says part of it is anger that my husband doesn't treat me the way I would like him to (some inner image that I have of how he should treat me). Part of it is that I'm also not being a real person in my own right, that I need to figure out who I am now and how I want to live my own life (midlife transition). He is already being who he is, and I feel I can't be myself because I'm so busy doing his thing (i.e. he loves to travel/I love to stay home). So this is really about me and who I need to become, not so much him. I'm not "there" yet and will continue my counselling for awhile. It took me a LONG time to uncover the anger and the depth of it (and boy was I surprised at myself), so I would advise not giving up your marriage without taking some time in counseling. My dr. encouraged me from the start not to end our marriage. He has helped me connect my anger at my husband to early childhood anger toward my parents and some sexual abuse that I had no memory of (I had a flashback to this within a week after I started counseling for the anxiety - guess it was just ready to come up). Complicated stuff, and very difficult to work through, but hope you'll give your self and your marriage time. Good luck!


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## thanksbutnothanks (Oct 11, 2010)

For Any Wife and any other long-term wives, here is a very interesting article I came across, which described me exactly, and helped me understand just a bit more. 

Midlife Crisis


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

I know these may seem like words, but you truly are not alone in your feelings. I've been with H 18years, 12 of them married. I'm his second marriage, we have a daughter together. Married later in life, so my daughter also came later. After reading thanksbutnothanks Midlife Crisis post, I personally feel I'm there. My H and I rarely fight as well. His life was already established prior to our marriage. He is 11 years older. Now, I'm in that milestone of the 40 club. I all of a sudden feel like I need to change, live, be on my own. Why? He's given me everything. Does that mean I'm selfish? He says if he's not enough for me, I need to do what makes me happy. It makes me sick to my stomach to think after all this time he isn't enough for me. Yet, many times that is how I feel. Both you and thanksbutnothanks are experiencing what I guess many of us are. We did counseling for few months. H felt he changed enough that it's all up to me now. He is right. Obviously something is still there as I do not have complete desire or nerve to leave yet. Of course, the guilt of our 6yr old is plenty to stop that too. Counselor did say she may just be the glue to keep this marriage together. But as of today, she is just a bandaid for me. A mask that helps me put on the happy face and play the part of the good wife, happy wife infront of her so she sees and feels everything is way it should be. She's smart, at the age picks up on lots. She's her daddies girl and I too, was a daddies girl but at 34, lost my dad and I can't bare to have her lose that at this age. I hate it now so at 6 close to 7, how can I do that to her. Life is definately a rollercoaster. I wish you success and thank you for posting. I will keep coming back to see how things are going or what other advise is here. Your post and many are helping me see I'm at least not alone or completely crazy.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think someone should write a book about what goes on in long term marriages. Maybe I’ll do that one day.

Marriages all go through changes and evolve through time, as the years go by. As an entity in it’s own right, marriages adjust and change. The courtship phase comes to an end, the wedding’s been and gone, children arrived, grew up and left the nest. Affairs and financial crisis may come and go, the marriage is relocated to a new home etc. etc.

But while all that goes on the two partners within the marriage are going through their changes and evolving as well. The two people that make up the marriage are, as the marriage is in and of itself unique, unique in their own right as well. Those two people had distinct and unique childhoods, their teen years were different. Each of the partners go through their own adjustments and change, usually at the point of a “decade”. The 30s, 40s, 50s etc. Loved ones are lost, menopause and MLC comes along. The wife who can longer conceive a child views sex in a different way and can become more horny and more in need of sex. If neither couple had sexual experiences before the marriage they can begin to wonder what others may “be like” and may indeed stray.

When the children have left the roost, when money’s no longer a problem the two partners in the marriage kind of turn round and take a serious look at one another. Before this time they were back to back, working as a team within their marriage. But now they can take “time out” and perhaps see their partner in “real terms” for the very first time in their life.

This is perhaps the most critical and telling time in a long term marriage. The partners discover not only that they didn’t truly know one another but at the same time also discover that they now want very different things out of their future life. One, like me may want to relocate to a new country as a way of refreshing and seeking new challenges and a better life style. The other, like my wife, may want to stay to be close to their parents as they are aging. Neither of the partners are wrong in these things, they are though very different, the partners have very different fundamental needs.

One may try living in the world they’d already created in the marriage, just like I did for a few years. But that person becomes totally unmotivated simply because they’re not getting what they need out of life. One, like my wife, may experience their partners new life for a few years and decide it’s not for her and go back to be close to their parents and other family members.

As far as I can make out this is a new syndrome in long term marriages. Whereas before the previous generation would stick together no matter how dysfunctional and unhappy the marriage had become, people are getting out of their long term marriages in their late 50s and early 60s and look for a more rewarding and happier life. The divorce rate in this age group in these long term marriages is on the rise.

That more rewarding and happier “life” may never come. But it is more the fear of “everything stays the same" along with yes it could be really good that makes one of the partners take the leap into the unknown. I did that and I just haven’t regretted it one little bit.




I think at a certain stage in our life we get a great calling to “individuate”. We want to be who we really are deep inside of us. And we want to live an authentic life that pays homage to that person inside of us. In essence we want to create a new life, a new world in which to live in.

But we find that’s literally impossible to do while we’re held “hostage” to “who we were” by the person we are/were married to. In extreme cases like me old friends are replaced with new friends and a whole new social environment is created. Family members, once cherished keep us as the image they had in their head still anchored to the past so we “let them go” while having fond memories of them. The two people “from my past” I invest in now are my two sons and I’m afraid that’s about it. They still keep me anchored to the past but I can handle that ok and look forward to developing a new and enlightened relationship with them.

I hope this all makes some sort of sense to those going through the same things.

Bob


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Any wife said:


> we don't have a "connection". We haven't had sex in months, almost a year. I have experienced a serious loss of libido that I'm addressing with a endocrinologist.


Could be hormones or it could be the "connection". My wife was in menopause at the time our marriage hit the skids. It complicated things but didn't keep us from finding our way back to a happy marriage. When my marriage fell apart (my not meeting her needs, her getting them fulfilled in an EA) she completely disconnected from me. Sex was off the table for nearly two years as we worked on other parts of the marriage. At the time we had the talk and I told her we needed to advance the marriage and rebuild intimacy, she was certain it would make no difference in reconnecting with me. She reluctantly agreed to "go through the motions." But it did have an impact on her emotional connection and that was another important step in our recovery. In our case the emotional connection and the sexual connection were related. Our marriage today is stronger and happier than it has been in years.

I read an interesting article a few years ago about women reaching menopause experiencing an increased desire to leave their husbands. It centered on the end of the nurturing phase of their lives (Empty Nest) and a desire to seek new challenges and experiences. Many times without their husbands. I remember the theory to be highly contested but parts of it fascinated me.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

AFEH, I've read serveral of your post in different areas. You seem to have really put things in prospetive and move on to a fullfilled life of happiness and content. Just a few week ago I had told my H a local party store no longer sells 25 or 50 anniversary cards/party ware. I found it completely ridiculous. He found it perfectly normal and said who anymore stays together that long. Both sets of paternal grandparents and my paretents were married many many years. My parents 32 years before dad passed, my grandparents close to 60 before one passed, other set late 30's before one passed. So, for me, it doesn't seem odd. Being I married later (28) a child age 34, my H 11yr my senior, I have grown and developed in ways that feel are competely seperate from my H. He's going through the 50's stage, me 40's. His life was established well before mine when we married. Now, as I've grown, developed, miss the "on my own phase". Right or wrong I do and have allowed it to distance myself from my husband. I miss the emotional social connections. The friends I never had. How do you miss something you never had? But I do. Reliaze all these years growing up I always had serious boyfriends. No I miss not having those girl moments, girly time, fun times. I feel complacent, falling into the "I'm to old to change hole" that my H is in. He's on verg of losing job, says to old to find another. Doesn't want 3rd shift, wants to use this as opportunity to self employ which I tried to get him to do years ago. I once was dependent on him, now...he on me and I don't like it. I should, that's what marraige is about. Leaning on each other, helping each other. Since I don't feel that, what does that say about me in this marraige? Bob you seem very knowledgeable and I enjoy reading your posts. Thank you for sharing.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> AFEH, I've read serveral of your post in different areas. You seem to have really put things in prospetive and move on to a fullfilled life of happiness and content. Just a few week ago I had told my H a local party store no longer sells 25 or 50 anniversary cards/party ware. I found it completely ridiculous. He found it perfectly normal and said who anymore stays together that long. Both sets of paternal grandparents and my paretents were married many many years. My parents 32 years before dad passed, my grandparents close to 60 before one passed, other set late 30's before one passed. So, for me, it doesn't seem odd. Being I married later (28) a child age 34, my H 11yr my senior, I have grown and developed in ways that feel are competely seperate from my H. He's going through the 50's stage, me 40's. His life was established well before mine when we married. Now, as I've grown, developed, miss the "on my own phase". Right or wrong I do and have allowed it to distance myself from my husband. I miss the emotional social connections. The friends I never had. How do you miss something you never had? But I do. Reliaze all these years growing up I always had serious boyfriends. No I miss not having those girl moments, girly time, fun times. I feel complacent, falling into the "I'm to old to change hole" that my H is in. He's on verg of losing job, says to old to find another. Doesn't want 3rd shift, wants to use this as opportunity to self employ which I tried to get him to do years ago. I once was dependent on him, now...he on me and I don't like it. I should, that's what marraige is about. Leaning on each other, helping each other. Since I don't feel that, what does that say about me in this marraige? Bob you seem very knowledgeable and I enjoy reading your posts. Thank you for sharing.


This may sound strange, perhaps very strange. I think there are certain points in our life when we really have to listen to our “calling”. To do this we need to be away from all we know. Somewhere like a quite forest, a meadow way out in the countryside or up on a mountain. Then we sit down and quieten our mind and just watch our mind for a while. In time when it’s all nice and quite the things that are of paramount importance to us as an individual come into our mind. From that we can then determine the things we need to do to enter a fulfilling life, perhaps a new world.

In long term marriages both spouses make compromises. Sometimes we compromise ourselves so much that we become a person who is no longer leading a true and authentic life. We are no longer true to ourselves.

Just about all of the couples in the generation that went before me were together until the day one of them passed away. But what did I see when looking at those couples in the later stages of their lives together? Overridingly I saw bitterness and resentment mainly from the wives, in fact exclusively from the wives. Not all of them, there was one exception. I didn’t see a lot of joy and happiness on the part of the wives although it was there. I did see husbands truly struggling, big time, with their wives resentment. Like me, they simply could not understand it.

I was determined I wasn’t going to walk that path. I tried exceptionally hard and for a long time to get my wife to clear herself of bitterness and resentment as I knew for certain what it was that was that lay ahead of me in my old age, no matter, like my father and my uncles how good a husband I was. But my wife would never cleanse her bitterness and resentment because it had become a part of who she is, a core part of how she identifies herself.

I hope this helps. Whatever you do don't let bitterness and resentment take a hold of you. Cleanse what's there already and cleanse it on the way as it arrises.

Bob


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

AFEH said:


> This may sound strange, perhaps very strange. I think there are certain points in our life when we really have to listen to our “calling”. To do this we need to be away from all we know. Somewhere like a quite forest, a meadow way out in the countryside or up on a maintain. Then we sit down and quieten our mind and just watch our mind for a while. In time when it’s all nice and quite the things that are of paramount importance to us as an individual come into our mind. From that we can then determine the things we need to do to enter a fulfilling life, perhaps a new world.
> 
> In long term marriages both spouses make compromises. Sometimes we compromise ourselves so much that we become a person who is no longer leading a true and authentic life. We are no longer true to ourselves.
> 
> ...


Wow...the compromising so much we no longer lead true authentic lives seems so dead on. Yet makes me feel so sad and guilty. Guilty that at age 27 when H didn't want to get married, I guess I wasn't mature enough to see why and agree? Then I just enjoyed what we had, connected at the hip, best of friends. Then I grew mentally, through jobs, financially developed and realized I can be responsbile. This midlife transitions when happens to both spouses at same time, not to mention finanical transition due to a recent move in a crappy economy and a 6yr old to love and nourish...is extremely difficult to juggle and maintain. Sometimes feel like it would be better for all if we just take care of ourselves seperatly, but our daughter together. I smile and feel good at the idea of me not worrying about another "adult' in how they feel about me or what I do or dont' do when it comes to me personnally being happy enjoying life. I feel I don't enjoy life anymore. Only when I"m with my daughter. That makes me feel like a horrible person. My H has no family around in the state. He has friends, whom would reassure him I'm the screwed up one, the one who 'tricked' him. They believe he's given way more then I ever have or can by way of marrying me when didn't want to, and having a child when didn't want to. Those are his compromise and I should be greatful and start doing for him. H says I no longer make him feel like 'the man' put him on pedestal. I use to be his biggest fan, now I"m not. With all that said to me, it makes me feel like maybe I am a shame, the whole 12 yrs married was a joke and I'm to blame for it all. The guilt kills me. ANY WIFE...you speak of compromise, complacent. We do all compromise. I gather from a few comments you would do what he wants? When and where? I too was like that. What ever he wanted to do, I did. Where he wanted to go, I went. When moved, I wasn't keen on it. But, we were desperate, had our house sold, he loved the garage for his self employment phase, so I felt I had to be okay with it. He's my husband, it's the right thing to do. I'm finding that was the wrong thing to do as it has now brought so much more out of things I"ve been unhappy with. Do two people ever agree..enough's enough? Can one be happy later in life without the companionship? The fear of alone without that person beside you even if feelings are strong like before? So confused. Any Wife, I so hope you find answers. As I unfortunately, have not.


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## thanksbutnothanks (Oct 11, 2010)

I'm so awed by all of you and your comments here! Thank you for really sharing your hearts. AnyWife, hope this is all helping you....it sure is enlightening for me. I am somehow hopeful and scared at the same time.

I agree that we women need to somehow clear out our bitterness....which I believe comes from the "man being in charge" for much of our married lives. But then we LET them be in charge! For women in my age group, when we got married, we often handed over our "power" to our husbands, and now when we're older, we resent that they seemingly have all the power in our relationship.

And I repeat what I said about uncovering hidden anger - some of you have spent some months in counseling and I have now been working on this complex stuff for 2 1/2 years. But you know what....so far, I still come up with the fact that I simply need to be my own person, and I am hoping I can do this within the marriage. I don't want anyone else than my husband---and I really love him--- just want somehow to be free to be me, and not have to "take care of" him, want to do my thing now, not his. But don't you think there should be room IN the marriage for 2 people somehow, to be themselves?

There is another issue for many of us long-time wives -- we don't work outside the home and have no income, and it's pretty late in life to consider getting a job, considering skills and health issues. (I'm in my 60's) That fact all by itself is pretty intimidating and frustrating. 

My husband doesn't understand a thing about what I'm going through, nor do my friends/family, what I'm willing to tell them anyway (not even sure my psych does!) I feel very alone with all this. H seems content to go on his way, while I figure this out all by myself in counseling. More resentment there too. What I seem to want from him is for him to 'cherish' me more, like when we were young, woo me somehow, do the things we used to do together and work on this 'connection' thing with me. But he seems oblivious.

For you brave men who posted to this, thank you for sharing your side of things....it helps a lot.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Thanksbutnothanks, I’m not sure what you mean by husbands have all the power? Surely, other than the tax man and the law courts the only power others have over us is that which we give them? Or perhaps it is the “power” that we don’t take by way of responsibility because we fear responsibility? Because we fear failure in that for which we take and own responsibility?

I tried to hand “power” to my wife. I wanted her to control and take responsibility with the household finances in our new life, after we’d relocated. I wanted her to create the new budget and control the spending. I really did want her to lead in this, I needed her to lead so my mind was clear for other important things. I was totally prepared to help her get things set up and support her. She just couldn’t/wouldn’t do it. In that way the “power” came back to me by default.

Having the “power” means having the ultimate responsibility when things go wrong. Having the power means there is no one there to step and help when things go wrong. Power means responsibility. Some women just can’t handle ultimate responsibility in that way.

Want your husband to woo you? Want to be cherished by your husband? Have you woo’d and cherished your husband? If you haven’t watch out or he’ll be thinking your having/had an affair lol.

Seriously though, are you looking for your husband to initiate these things? If you are I never ever get why women, it seems in the main, always, perpetually, look to the husband to initiate these things. Husband’s get really very tired and worn out after decades of continuously initiating and it is so refreshing and so invigorating when our wives initiate. We actually think we’re in paradise or something when our wives initiate.

Bob


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

thanksbutnothanks said:


> I'm so awed by all of you and your comments here! Thank you for really sharing your hearts. AnyWife, hope this is all helping you....it sure is enlightening for me. I am somehow hopeful and scared at the same time.
> 
> I agree that we women need to somehow clear out our bitterness....which I believe comes from the "man being in charge" for much of our married lives. But then we LET them be in charge! For women in my age group, when we got married, we often handed over our "power" to our husbands, and now when we're older, we resent that they seemingly have all the power in our relationship.
> 
> ...


My H is like you. He wants me to cherish him more, woo him like younger years. Sadly, I feel I lost myself on way by doing that for many years. Losing a part of me, who I am. Makes no sense I know.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Thanksbutnothanks, I’m not sure what you mean by husbands have all the power? Surely, other than the tax man and the law courts the only power others have over us is that which we give them? Or perhaps it is the “power” that we don’t take by way of responsibility because we fear responsibility? Because we fear failure in that for which we take and own responsibility?
> 
> I tried to hand “power” to my wife. I wanted her to control and take responsibility with the household finances in our new life, after we’d relocated. I wanted her to create the new budget and control the spending. I really did want her to lead in this, I needed her to lead so my mind was clear for other important things. I was totally prepared to help her get things set up and support her. She just couldn’t/wouldn’t do it. In that way the “power” came back to me by default.
> 
> ...


Your right, "power" is ultimate responsibility. Husband gave that to me as well. Finances, household stuff, me ultimatly making the house our home. Once it became reality per say, him potentially losing job, now dependnet on my income, etc. I don't like the power. Never had it prior, even before marriage. Went straight from living at home, good easy life, to marraige. His life already set and established prior. Already responsible. He was at age I am now when married. For some odd reason, I miss not having that on my own now. We both were independent. Well, me to a certain degree. I lost all of that. I woo'd him, put him on pedestal, his biggest fan as he says. Lost over last few years. I think once I went against his respect and wishes of a second child after we lost our first, that's when I slowly stopped cherishing him. Child was for me for my lonliness. His life never seemed to change. Always working, busy, making money. Since, I've grown maturely through jobs. Worked my way to good stable jobs. Financiallly okay, exception of less two incomes but on own...would be okay. He has gone opposite. It's really odd and hard to explain. And the guilt of knowing how strong he once was, to if we seperate what all he "gave" up, his home he grew up in paid for, now would have to start over, that guilt eats at me daily. Enough to force myself to try and put on the 'happy face' like a good wife should and suck it up. Sounds selfish and mean and do not meant to. It's difficult.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

thanksbutnothanks said:


> What I seem to want from him is for him to 'cherish' me more, like when we were young, woo me somehow, do the things we used to do together and work on this 'connection' thing with me. But he seems oblivious.


He is oblivious. Many of us are, especially when we have been in a relationship a long time. For many of us we don't get hints, subtle or overt. Tell him in very plane language what you are missing from him. If you don't, he may never know he is not meeting your needs and plod a long on his merry or unmerry way. While you progress down a path of resentfulness and unhappiness. If you want him to woo you tell him why and how. If you want him to just hold your hand while watching TV, tell him. If you want him to have a regular date night, tell him. If you want him to drag you off to bed tell him. If you want him to whisk you away for a surprise weekend, tell him. Sometimes we can be pretty dense on such things and sometimes we need regular reminding. But when we do "get it" we can be pretty darn good at it.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

thanksbutnothanks said:


> I agree that we women need to somehow clear out our bitterness....which I believe comes from the "man being in charge" for much of our married lives. But then we LET them be in charge! For women in my age group, when we got married, we often handed over our "power" to our husbands, and now when we're older, we resent that they seemingly have all the power in our relationship.
> .


These type of comments really make me think my own relationship is somehow skewed beyond fixing, or perhaps I am so skewed beyond fixing that I'm oblivious to a whole lotta things that are going on. Do you think that your situation is pretty typical?

I'm not asking to be sarcastic, but only because I tend to find myself, as a husband, feeling the same thing. I never really had a basis for 'normal' as a child, but really wanted to make my marriage work. I knew right away that my wife had serious problems, but thought that if I treated her like she wanted, eventually I could become a participant in the marriage.

To me, it seems that the one who has the power is the one who sets the standard for when we will say that we are 'happy'. Maybe its the one who rarely apologizes. My wife admits that she is a responder, but not an initiator. Don't think she's ever really said things like "I love you" without being prompted. 

I know that a few people here have suggested that I should just accept that she has borderline personality disorder, and cut the strings, but I personally worry more about 'what if we divorce?" If I was in a future relationship where my significant other actually said something nice without being made to feel like it first, I'd probably stroke.

All this to say that stragely enough, I'm a guy and can actually relate to these feelings... I think.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

takris said:


> These type of comments really make me think my own relationship is somehow skewed beyond fixing, or perhaps I am so skewed beyond fixing that I'm oblivious to a whole lotta things that are going on. Do you think that your situation is pretty typical?
> 
> I'm not asking to be sarcastic, but only because I tend to find myself, as a husband, feeling the same thing. I never really had a basis for 'normal' as a child, but really wanted to make my marriage work. I knew right away that my wife had serious problems, but thought that if I treated her like she wanted, eventually I could become a participant in the marriage.
> 
> ...


Maybe you go wrong by trying to “make” your wife happy if that is indeed what you are trying to do. If she has no inclination for happiness, if she doesn’t believe in happiness, then you will be trying to get blood from the proverbial stone. It just ain’t possible. I firmly believe that another can bring happiness into our lives simply by being who they are. But that person cannot “make” us happy if happy is not what we want to be. The more you try the more it will not work. It is the nature of the thing.

I worked a long time trying to get my wife to see the benefit of forgiveness. My wife does not believe in forgiveness. The more I tried, the more resolved she became in her belief.

I know I will never hear the words “I forgive you” from my wife’s lips. Believe me, I do not have a lot to be forgiven for.

Maybe, no matter what you do, you will never hear the words “I am happy” from your wife’s lips.

Bob


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> Your right, "power" is ultimate responsibility. Husband gave that to me as well. Finances, household stuff, me ultimatly making the house our home. Once it became reality per say, him potentially losing job, now dependnet on my income, etc. I don't like the power. Never had it prior, even before marriage. Went straight from living at home, good easy life, to marraige. His life already set and established prior. Already responsible. He was at age I am now when married. For some odd reason, I miss not having that on my own now. We both were independent. Well, me to a certain degree. I lost all of that. I woo'd him, put him on pedestal, his biggest fan as he says. Lost over last few years. I think once I went against his respect and wishes of a second child after we lost our first, that's when I slowly stopped cherishing him. Child was for me for my lonliness. His life never seemed to change. Always working, busy, making money. Since, I've grown maturely through jobs. Worked my way to good stable jobs. Financiallly okay, exception of less two incomes but on own...would be okay. He has gone opposite. It's really odd and hard to explain. And the guilt of knowing how strong he once was, to if we seperate what all he "gave" up, his home he grew up in paid for, now would have to start over, that guilt eats at me daily. Enough to force myself to try and put on the 'happy face' like a good wife should and suck it up. Sounds selfish and mean and do not meant to. It's difficult.


well I think It doesn't sound selfish & mean , it is just that you have outgrown your H and you want to be on your own . 

* "........He has gone opposite. It's really odd and hard to explain. And the guilt of knowing how strong he once was......."*

He is not your responsibility & vice versa . Do you think it is right to put a happy face & suck it up ? I dont think so , because it deosn't seem that you genuinely want to change your feelings or develop any sort of connection with him even if you stay .

Best of luck


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> Your right, "power" is ultimate responsibility. Husband gave that to me as well. Finances, household stuff, me ultimatly making the house our home. Once it became reality per say, him potentially losing job, now dependnet on my income, etc. I don't like the power. Never had it prior, even before marriage. Went straight from living at home, good easy life, to marraige. His life already set and established prior. Already responsible. He was at age I am now when married. For some odd reason, I miss not having that on my own now. We both were independent. Well, me to a certain degree. I lost all of that. I woo'd him, put him on pedestal, his biggest fan as he says. Lost over last few years. I think once I went against his respect and wishes of a second child after we lost our first, that's when I slowly stopped cherishing him. Child was for me for my lonliness. His life never seemed to change. Always working, busy, making money. Since, I've grown maturely through jobs. Worked my way to good stable jobs. Financiallly okay, exception of less two incomes but on own...would be okay. He has gone opposite. It's really odd and hard to explain. And the guilt of knowing how strong he once was, to if we seperate what all he "gave" up, his home he grew up in paid for, now would have to start over, that guilt eats at me daily. Enough to force myself to try and put on the 'happy face' like a good wife should and suck it up. Sounds selfish and mean and do not meant to. It's difficult.


Is your husband in his 50s? There’re so many men at that age that are totally blown out. It’s like an extreme fatigue. They are quite literally emotionally exhausted. I know I’ve been there. It lasted quite a while. In England there are many men like this on the dole with little prospect to get a job and little energy to go looking. It is a mid life crisis thing. I was lucky. I had enough savings to keep things going for a long time without the need to earn.

I never thought that the emotional energy that I once had so much of before would ever return to me. But I’m pleased to say that it did. It needed a big change in my life to make it happen.

Bob


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Is your husband in his 50s? There’re so many men at that age that are totally blown out. It’s like an extreme fatigue. They are quite literally emotionally exhausted. I know I’ve been there. It lasted quite a while. In England there are many men like this on the dole with little prospect to get a job and little energy to go looking. It is a mid life crisis thing. I was lucky. I had enough savings to keep things going for a long time without the need to earn.
> 
> I never thought that the emotional energy that I once had so much of before would ever return to me. But I’m pleased to say that it did. It needed a big change in my life to make it happen.
> 
> Bob


Yes he is Bob. We just had sat up til midnight last night talking about this. Says he's to old and his body can't work like it was when he was younger to do another factory job. He wants to use this 'last' opportunity to make it with his own business. However, our talk, has made him realize we may be headed the direction he never hoped would happen. So now, it's more guilt for me. He knows and believes I love him but it's not enough, as of today, as I'm not desiring him on other aspects. That hurts me deeply but I cannot fake or change how I feel. Who knows where this will end.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> Yes he is Bob. We just had sat up til midnight last night talking about this. Says he's to old and his body can't work like it was when he was younger to do another factory job. He wants to use this 'last' opportunity to make it with his own business. However, our talk, has made him realize we may be headed the direction he never hoped would happen. So now, it's more guilt for me. He knows and believes I love him but it's not enough, as of today, as I'm not desiring him on other aspects. That hurts me deeply but I cannot fake or change how I feel. Who knows where this will end.


I wish I could invest time in helping you two out. I can't. Other than to say in the lovely forrest there are different paths to take.

Bob


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I wish I could invest time in helping you two out. I can't. Other than to say in the lovely forrest there are different paths to take.
> 
> Bob


Thank you. In some strange way those are actually encouraging words and I'm reading much about many different paths people here are taking and majority do seem to be working out. It's the struggle at cross road and how each pics the path.


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## thanksbutnothanks (Oct 11, 2010)

Whoa, I just checked in here & find I've missed a lot! I originally posted to AnyWife, hoping I could help her in some way, but haven't seen her back here. Re what I said about the power issues, I was saying that early in our relationships, we women (do men do this too?) give over our power to "the man" because -- at least subconsciously -- we don't want the power. i.e., handling the money, making the big decisions, initiating stuff, sometimes even just deciding where to go out for the evening. Then, perhaps many years later, we are resentful of our husbands because they "control" us in some way, we're resentful of who they are (and we're not). Early on, at least in my generation of many women who didn't work outside the home, we wanted to be taken care of, not be the one who brought home the bacon. Then came the midlife years, AND the changes in society that said we could be more......add in a few hormonal changes and Wham! We're angry, confused and unhappy. Have you noticed that some of these same things are happening now in much younger couples? Young people are getting married and leaving their new spouses after just a few months! What's going on?

Emotional wreck - you mention having a lot of guilt and lack of desire in H .....do you know that it's often guilt that covers up anger? Some deep inner work in counseling can uncover that anger and help you express it. This can take a long time, but it would allow change for you both. Definitely NOT a good idea to just put on a happy face -- better to dig it all out and deal with it, the sooner the better. Was there a point in time when you recall not being so crazy about H anymore? That might be a starting point.

Thank you all for your comments on my own post. Yes I am learning to feel my feelings now, and don't always like the responsibility of that. Yes I am learning now to tell my H what I want, re date night or whatever. I find I am having to change myself in order to get what I would like from H. Who'd a thunk?


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

thanksbutnothanks said:


> Whoa, I just checked in here & find I've missed a lot! I originally posted to AnyWife, hoping I could help her in some way, but haven't seen her back here. Re what I said about the power issues, I was saying that early in our relationships, we women (do men do this too?) give over our power to "the man" because -- at least subconsciously -- we don't want the power. i.e., handling the money, making the big decisions, initiating stuff, sometimes even just deciding where to go out for the evening. Then, perhaps many years later, we are resentful of our husbands because they "control" us in some way, we're resentful of who they are (and we're not). Early on, at least in my generation of many women who didn't work outside the home, we wanted to be taken care of, not be the one who brought home the bacon. Then came the midlife years, AND the changes in society that said we could be more......add in a few hormonal changes and Wham! We're angry, confused and unhappy. Have you noticed that some of these same things are happening now in much younger couples? Young people are getting married and leaving their new spouses after just a few months! What's going on?
> 
> Emotional wreck - you mention having a lot of guilt and lack of desire in H .....do you know that it's often guilt that covers up anger? Some deep inner work in counseling can uncover that anger and help you express it. This can take a long time, but it would allow change for you both. Definitely NOT a good idea to just put on a happy face -- better to dig it all out and deal with it, the sooner the better. Was there a point in time when you recall not being so crazy about H anymore? That might be a starting point.
> 
> Thank you all for your comments on my own post. Yes I am learning to feel my feelings now, and don't always like the responsibility of that. Yes I am learning now to tell my H what I want, re date night or whatever. I find I am having to change myself in order to get what I would like from H. Who'd a thunk?


I think men do this too, but maybe its rare and in different ways. Considering that up to 10% of people suffer from borderline personality disorder and other related problems, and most don't even know it, its more common than you might think. I wanted my marriage to be perfect and knew I had to bury my needs at times due to her issues. Problem is, she began mandating the rules for the relationship around her religious beliefs and personal needs. Husband is supposed to be the one who cherishes, and the one who does everything that involves spontaneity. Problem is, she only thinks in terms of what she gets, not what she does for the relationship. So, as an example, her birthdays are lavish events with streamers, poems and songs written for her, mine involve a cake purrchased at Walmart.

We've been going to counseling, and another aspect of being the guy is that since our counselor said the opposite situation is usually true, she's forgeting that I'm the one who is upset and is willing to divorce if this can't be changed. Last visit, she asked my wife if we were still thinking of divorce. She said no.

In the first visit, she told my wife that she needs to come to grips with her borderline personality thinking, but in the last, she was telling me that I need to spend more time with my wife because my wife said I didn't spend enough time focused on her, and that I let everything be more important than her. So when I asked the counselor how much was enough, since I spend three to four hours a day of 'her time', the couselor became very confused.


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## rachely476 (Oct 18, 2010)

thanksbutnothanks said:


> For Any Wife and any other long-term wives, here is a very interesting article I came across, which described me exactly, and helped me understand just a bit more.
> 
> Midlife Crisis


Thanks for sharing the link!


__________________
watch movies online for free


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## Any wife (Sep 29, 2010)

Thank you all for the replies. I'm still not sure of what's going on inside of me. I want to be happily married, but I don't seem to be able to get there right now.

There is a lot of information out there on midlife challenges, but unfortunately it seems that everyone's experience is unique. 

I would love to go off by myself and figure this whole thing out, but the overwhelming guilt is keeping me here. 

My family says that I shouldn't kill my husband's dreams by being selfish. My husband is ready for the rocking chair and grandbabies....I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up!

Hubby says that he's not preventing me from doing anything I want to do (go back to school, change jobs, etc.). In some ways he's right, but it all goes back to *his* dreams and expectations. I would also like to travel and maybe move to a different area of the country. 

I seriously f****d up on this marriage counseling thing....he's come away with the impression that I want him to spend every free moment with me...working on the marriage - that couldn't be further from the truth.

Anybody else feel as though they have dug a seriously big hole by agreeing to MC????


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Any wife said:


> Anybody else feel as though they have dug a seriously big hole by agreeing to MC????


Yes. Seems like if your situation defies the stereotypes, a counselor might try to make it fit in the box. When my wife and I started, I was the one who brought up the topic of divorce, but I meant it to let her know this was serious and I would not let it go on forever. The counselor said the wife usually is the one who brings it up when the two have been married a long time. My wife says we don't spend enough time together, but to her, no amount of time will be enough. She would estimate that we spend two to three hours a day together during a rough patch, but thinks that if I really love her, it should be more. 

During the last session, the counselor tried to wrap up and asked my wife if divorce was still an option. She said no. Then, she asked me to commit to spending time with my wife. I plan to confront the counselor to keep it on our topics, else we'll try another.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Bob (AFEH) with great insight wrote -

As far as I can make out this is a new syndrome in long term marriages. Whereas before the previous generation would stick together no matter how dysfunctional and unhappy the marriage had become, people are getting out of their long term marriages in their late 50s and early 60s and look for a more rewarding and happier life. The divorce rate in this age group in these long term marriages is on the rise.

That more rewarding and happier “life” may never come. But it is more the fear of “everything stays the same" along with yes it could be really good that makes one of the partners take the leap into the unknown. I did that and I just haven’t regretted it one little bit.
(END)

I'm in complete agreement, I'm taking the first step in November, admittedly scared but feeling it is necessary to live the life I want.

We start by trying to determine what we want in life, what we expect of ourselves and spouses. Those who post here, a very bright, very aware, self selected group, have opened my eyes.

Reading TAM these past few months I see where so many of us are faced with selves and spouses who have changed greatly over the years. In our 50s and 60s when the kids are grown, or we retire or are laid off we wake up one day feeling a sense of wrongness in our lives, a sense that we have put aside dreams, knowledge of our mortality a background theme.

Don't think I can add much to this other than to say I'm one of these people, I've decided I can't compromise what days are left to me.

Mark


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

takris said:


> Yes. Seems like if your situation defies the stereotypes, a counselor might try to make it fit in the box. When my wife and I started, I was the one who brought up the topic of divorce, but I meant it to let her know this was serious and I would not let it go on forever. The counselor said the wife usually is the one who brings it up when the two have been married a long time. My wife says we don't spend enough time together, but to her, no amount of time will be enough. She would estimate that we spend two to three hours a day together during a rough patch, but thinks that if I really love her, it should be more.
> 
> During the last session, the counselor tried to wrap up and asked my wife if divorce was still an option. She said no. Then, she asked me to commit to spending time with my wife. I plan to confront the counselor to keep it on our topics, else we'll try another.


Yes. Went to MC for 3 months. Started seperate sessions. H quit before made it to actual MC session. Said he's waiting on me. He has one foot in, one foot out depending on me and what I do. It goes so much farther than that for me.


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