# PA with a man with ED



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I am married with no kids to my first and only boyfriend.
When I went through emotional and some physical abuse in my marriage, I met a man. 
Long story short – I fell for him terribly. 
Soon, after he started talk to me, he said he cannot really have sex because of his health issues. I did not care about being physical, I just felt connection between us and liked attention my H did not give me. 
Later on, we kissed, hugged. I know, selfish and no excuse for that. 
We met couple times before he moved to another country. Before that, we actually had one misunderstanding and he said we will never be more... 
But we stayed in touch even though I did not hope to see him ever again. 
After very long time, he came to visit his old town and wanted to meet me. Suddenly, he wanted to be more than friends. We became intimate as much as you can with man with ED, where no pill can help. Then he left. 
Next year- same scenario. 

Push – pull game while I was in love with him and he was away. 
When we talked online, he always asks me how I am, how my life is. We chat for hours. I can tell he cares but I am not sure if he cares enough. 
He asks about my marriage lately, says to save money so I would be able to move out. 
He did not talk like this before. 
I know this is very bad and unfair to everybody and yet, I cannot give up.

Somewhere, deep in me, I know this has no future or at least not good one. He is almost 15 years older, twice divorced and met his ex same way as he met me. 
I am also sure he had affair with more than one married woman before. 
He has diabetes and all kinds of complications because of that. I feel bad for him because I know how sick he is. I worry about him a lot...He is mad because of ED but he is too young to give up on his life. 
Someone once told me that I would be more of caregiver than girlfriend to him because of his disease. I am still young, I do want kids one day.

Now, when I think about it, I do not get what he wants. If it was about sex only, why would he bother for once a year if he can have it often in his country and keep in touch for rest of the year when we are apart? 
I know he has nobody there. 
I know I should get divorce or work on my marriage. I feel like I should ask who I am for him and get straight answer. 

I am going to see marriage counselor next week but I am afraid that nothing will work if I wonder about that other man and keeping him in my heart. I am very confused. My husband and I had problems long before I met him and it is not helping now. Maybe I hoped it would give me strength to leave. IDK. But, without looking on how wrong it is, would you see any future for him and me???


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Did you try to solve your marital problems with your husband before choosing to get emotional/ physical with OM? It seems No.

Others will chime in.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So what do you want me to address 1st, the maritial problem or the affair you are having?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Stop self medicating with this kind of bullsh1t.
You know well OM is not more than a player who lost his main tool.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I did actually. Not with counselor but I did. He did not listen. He laughed when I went through depression and showed me no support. I was depressed because I was so lonely. I have nobody but him where we live. I told him so many times, wrote emails, wrote to therapist and showed him her answer. Nothing has changed.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

the guy said:


> So what do you want me to address 1st, the maritial problem or the affair you are having?


The affair.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I did actually. Not with counselor but I did. He did not listen. He laughed when I went through depression and showed me no support. I was depressed because I was so lonely. I have nobody but him where we live. I told him so many times, wrote emails, wrote to therapist and showed him her answer. Nothing has changed.


OK, you kept your H informed about your depression and matters that followed?

Did you tell him about the PA with a man with ED?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Oh, he sick alright. In more ways than you can imagine.

Then

First you let your husband physically abuse you. You abuse him emotionally, the serial cheater abuses you.

See a pattern? 
Drop the loose cannonball
Get psych helfp ASAP
THEN if you want to save your marriage (its already in the krapper) see if your spouse will go but first be sure he gets psych help too to stop the physical abuse.

Oh, dont admit the affair while he is still in abuse mode


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> OK, you kept your H informed about your depression and matters that followed?
> 
> Did you tell him about the PA with a man with ED?


Yes, he knew about my depression. He made fun of me because of that. One time, when I cried while we were fighting, I told him that I felt so bad that I was thinking about ending my life for a second. My therapist told me not to solve temporary problems with permanent solution. She helped me a lot. 
When something was going on, he never forgot to ask if I took my pill just to be sarcastic. 
I never told him about EA/PA. I do not think I will ever be brave enough. 
He likes to joke about things his own way just like when I told him I want divorce. He said, he will go to jail before that happens.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm confused, you seem to be look for advice on how you can have a more successful affair? On that front I have zero advice, other than to ask yourself why you would bewitch a guy who has ED, has a history of cheating with married women, and is himself a multiple divorced looser?

Or are you actually looking to stop cheating, come clean to your husband, and fix your marriage..


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Oh, he sick alright. In more ways than you can imagine.
> 
> Then
> 
> ...


I am going to marriage counseling next week. I scheduled it couple weeks ago. He said he won't go. I am ok with it for now, because it is my session only. I will see if I get him there after it. I hope I will. I know it would help him as well. If he won't at all, it just says a lot on its own.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I'm confused, you seem to be look for advice on how you can have a more successful affair? On that front I have zero advice, other than to ask yourself why you would bewitch a guy who has ED, has a history of cheating with married women, and is himself a multiple divorced looser?
> 
> Or are you actually looking to stop cheating, come clean to your husband, and fix your marriage..


If you are confused, it makes two of us. I guess I want to know if there is any future for me and him after divorce. 
Maybe, I just need people to tell me it is not worth it. I do not know how to stop being attached to him. Seems toxic at times.

I do not know what I want.....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Neither man is good for you, assuming you're being honest about everything. You should get them both out of your life, then spend time figuring out why you keep putting yourself in bad relationship scenarios. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The OM is pond scum. He's broken up other marriages. The other women he played into marrying him finally got smart and ditched him.

You need to see him for the horrible disaster he is.

As for your current marriage, come clean to him. Let him know you are having an affair and are Stopping it. That you want him to come to MC to work through your betrayal.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> The OM is pond scum. He's broken up other marriages. The other women he played into marrying him finally got smart and ditched him.
> 
> You need to see him for the horrible disaster he is.
> 
> As for your current marriage, come clean to him. Let him know you are having an affair and are Stopping it. That you want him to come to MC to work through your betrayal.


Shaggy, this is what I was trying to tell OP. She missed it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I'm confused, you seem to be look for advice on how you can have a more successful affair? On that front I have zero advice, other than to ask yourself why you would bewitch a guy who has ED, has a history of cheating with married women, and is himself a multiple divorced looser?
> 
> Or are you actually looking to stop cheating, come clean to your husband, and fix your marriage..


Or dump them both?:scratchhead:


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

There is no happy future with your affair partner. He is a straight up complete and utter failure as a human being. Do not waste another thought on him.

Your husband is only marginally better. You should leave him, divorce and build a better life for yourself. Use your councelling to come to grips with why you accept such abysmal treatment from men. You need to value yourself more than you do, and then perhaps you will attract a man who will actually love you as well.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Believe me there is no future with the 15 yr older than you, jerk, that will never actually be able to satisfy you physically----and when you are still a viable 50 he will be a worn out cranky hard to get along with 65 , with much worse physical problems, that he will expect you to help him out with

As for your H---get a D.----as for counseling---since you really have no mge---why not go to IC---and straighten out the mess that is running thru your brain at this point

Once D---start a new life fresh and away from all these screwed up men, who are doing nothing but dragging you down with them

Get a new life---there are MILLIONS of good solid men out there---why do you want to stay miserable with these two total losers you are with----have you no RESPECT FOR YOURSELF


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> First you let your husband physically abuse you. You abuse him emotionally, the serial cheater abuses you.
> 
> See a pattern?
> Drop the loose cannonball
> Get psych helfp ASAP


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Self respect (lack of), personal boundaires (no one), self love (non-existent).
It's all the same, friend. Really.
You have within what it takes to build you up again. Start respecting yourself. Demanding others respect you will come automatically.

And please, get out of this delusional, fantasy train of thoughs OM is actually a man in any realistic sense of the word. He's not. He never was. He never will. You have not the power to redeem him. He's doing what he always did and you are his current victim (the only one? I highly doubt it) therefore he's not trying to change. You can't changue anybody but yourself.

It seems you lost sight what a healthy relationship looks like time ago, maybe due pre existent issues from your past maybe due the boiling frog effect. Please, start choosing better, step by step. And the first one is dropping your drug of choice cold turkey.


Send him a NC letter, then block him from eny way of comunicating with you, then get rid of every memento, letter, guft, poicture, whatever. Get rid of the affair tools.
Get past the break up withdrawal. Focus in self improvement and what it requires.

I fear/hope! you must drop BH too. He's an unrepetant abuser, right?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

PBear said:


> Neither man is good for you, assuming you're being honest about everything. You should get them both out of your life, then spend time figuring out why you keep putting yourself in bad relationship scenarios.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No shes leaving something out. 

This is her side of the story after all. And while her H definitely isn't winning any husband of the year awards, with her in an affair and her emotions going to another man, her behavior has gotta be just as crappy if not more than his.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I know I should get divorce or work on my marriage.


Was gonna reply, then i saw there is no need. The affair guy's quirks are irrelevant. Because he is as "perfect" as he will ever be.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Kasler said:


> No shes leaving something out.
> 
> This is her side of the story after all. And while her H definitely isn't winning any husband of the year awards, with her in an affair and her emotions going to another man, her behavior has gotta be just as crappy if not more than his.


Kasler, what is that I am hiding? Yes, having feelings for another man is purely wrong. There is no doubt. And you are right, it is my side of story. Maybe I am worse than him after all. I played his game as well. When he wanted stop whatever was between us, I did not want to. But when we did not talk for couple of months, it was him who contact me first and wanted to see me. After all, I do not see him as a bad man because besides all of it, he is very nice and everybody loves him. 
Just like my husband is very good to everybody but they do not live with him 24/7 and do not have to deal with his anger.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Kasler, what is that I am hiding? Yes, having feelings for another man is purely wrong. There is no doubt. And you are right, it is my side of story. Maybe I am worse than him after all. I played his game as well. When he wanted stop whatever was between us, I did not want to. But when we did not talk for couple of months, it was him who contact me first and wanted to see me. After all, I do not see him as a bad man because besides all of it, he is very nice and everybody loves him.
> Just like my husband is very good to everybody but they do not live with him 24/7 and do not have to deal with his anger.


I just read the first post, that speaks a lot about the kind of man he is and yet you say he's nice and everybody loves him. But, of course we all know about the wolf in sheep's clothing.

The point of marriage is that you live with one person 24/7 and we as people are inherently flawed. We come with imperfections, and unfortunately your husband's is anger. Either the both of you can deal with it together or you can divorce him.

Have you considered your husband's reaction if he were to ever find out about your affair?

Besides, look at the future. Supposing you do leave your husband for this guy and you go sailing off into the sunset. Fast forward another couple of years and you can be sure that the guy who can't get his stick up in the midst of a passionate affair won't stand a chance when you become the same old boring spouse, wearing the same old sweatpants to bed. Food for thought.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Acabado said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> Self respect (lack of), personal boundaires (no one), self love (non-existent).
> It's all the same, friend. Really.
> You have within what it takes to build you up again. Start respecting yourself. Demanding others respect you will come automatically.
> ...


I really like what you wrote. I do miss self-respect and I have just little self-love I guess. I hardly have any self-esteem.

I listen for many years how unable I am to do things right. He always criticized me for everything. 
He would even tell me how to bake while he had no clue about it. Everything what happened was always my fault. He could have car wreck and he would find way to blame it on me without actually me being there.

I was depended on him because of language barrier for couple of years but I am not anymore and he does not like that. 

And what gets me the most is, that he is actually good man and friend. Everybody likes him. So why our marriage is not working? Why is he so different at times with me? Why he cannot admit we both do mistakes?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The OM has a history cheating with married women.

He happily cheated with you too. A married woman.

I fail to understand how you can't see that a person who would cheat with a married person is a true lowlife. There's no wiggle room at all there. 

And now you are his latest conquest. As is your marriage.

yet you keep refusing to see that he's nothing but a cancerous tumor eating away at you.

Why is that? At his eulogy would you read out his accomplishments in cheating and ending other people's families and marriages as examples of his integrity? Or examples of the fine things he's accomplished in this life? 

Would you tell your own story of your fine relationship with him?

He's brought lies, deceit, cheating , betrayal into your life AND NOTHING ELSE.

----

As for your husband, if his anger can't be controlled then divorce him. 
BUT first find out this: Is his current anger because of the way you are treating him? I'm betting you've given your patience, kindness, and sexual desire over to the scum bag OM, And you've left your husband with nothing else except attitude from yourself.

That you treat him poorly because he's the dumb one who's remained faithful to you, that he's naive because he hasn't caught you in your affair. That you've lost respect for him.

Dump the OM cold and forever. 

Tell your husband about the affair. He might demand a divorce which will give you freedom. OR he might want to try to save the marriage which will give you a chance.

IF you go with the OM, you are going to be next future EX-Mrs. Can't get it up, when he follows his life pattern an begins cheating on you too with the next married woman.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> I just read the first post, that speaks a lot about the kind of man he is and yet you say he's nice and everybody loves him. But, of course we all know about the wolf in sheep's clothing.
> 
> The point of marriage is that you live with one person 24/7 and we as people are inherently flawed. We come with imperfections, and unfortunately your husband's is anger. Either the both of you can deal with it together or you can divorce him.
> 
> ...


I cannot imagine his reaction to be honest. I remember when we had this little talk about divorce and he was in good mood, he said he would go to jail first. He also made couple of jokes before -about me accidentally disappearing. My friends just laughed about it when he said it. How funny! 
I do not know, it is hard to tell. Sometimes when we had problems between us, he would just shut down and won't talk. Sometimes he would actually cry. But for most of the time he would be mad.

I know I would hurt him and he does not deserve it after all. 

I think he has some issues he is scared to talk about when it comes to marriage counseling. He thinks only crazy people need shrink or any form of therapy like that.
When I told him about it first, he said he won't go because I only want confirmation for divorce. He also said that it is just me who is wrong all the time. 
After that, I just ask him, if it's only me, should not you be happy to hear it from specialist how wrong I am? Or is there something else he is afraid to hear?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think you have issues in picking up men. You are in such a bad place in your marriage and mentally that you even found this useless, good for nothing OM to be attractive. You probably clung on to the first guy that showed some interest in you...Are you in therapy ?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Whatever your issues are within your marriage, there was absolutely no necessity for you to bring in an external force into it. You can either deal with your problems here or you can leave. But you won't be doing either if you continue playing the part of a victim being caught between the devil and the deep sea. Wake up to reality and walk out or work on improving your marriage.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> The OM has a history cheating with married women.
> 
> He happily cheated with you too. A married woman.
> 
> ...


Shaggy, I know you are right. It is just hard to admit it. I guess, I am naive.
When I found out about his previous marriage and same pattern, I excused it with her being unhappy as well as me and them falling in love. 
Then, I excused things because of his not ideal childhood. Maybe his first wife cheated on him. Who knows? I don't.
I know he is successful in everything but his love life. Maybe he likes me because I know about his ED and still wanted him.

About my H. I do not treat him bad. But we lost respect for each other long before I met OM. 
I do all chores, bring meal to him or whatever he asks. I clean his mess and cook chicken soup or tea when he is sick. If he fall asleep on couch, I do make him go to bed because I know how bad his back is. I don't know. 
To me, this are little things that I would not have to do if I did not care or wanted to treat him worse. He hardly see if I am sick. He could not care less and calls me hypochondriac for everything even though doctor proved him wrong.
There is too many little things which happened year by year and which pushed me away from him.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I think you have issues in picking up men. You are in such a bad place in your marriage and mentally that you even found this useless, good for nothing OM to be attractive. You probably clung on to the first guy that showed some interest in you...Are you in therapy ?


I am starting MC next week.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Whatever your issues are within your marriage, there was absolutely no necessity for you to bring in an external force into it. You can either deal with your problems here or you can leave. But you won't be doing either if you continue playing the part of a victim being caught between the devil and the deep sea. Wake up to reality and walk out or work on improving your marriage.


I am going to work on things. I did not know how much it can mess up your life before. I should solve my marriage problems before anything else. Too late now.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

My suggestion would be to drop both of these tools and work on yourself start the 180 start working out exercising or whatever and go to IC


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> My suggestion would be to drop both of these tools and work on yourself start the 180 start working out exercising or whatever and go to IC


If you're going to drop the domesticated tool. Tell him the truth about your affairs before you do. You owe him that much at least.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I am starting MC next week.


Unless you disclose fully your affair MC is a complete waste. 
Better drop OM and then start IC.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yep, unless you can come clean about the affair, go to an IC


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