# Confronting a cheater



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

There have been some questions from betrayed people on how to confront their cheaters.

Naturally, the majority of cheaters will deny they are doing so.

So lets discuss ways to effectively confront them so they cannot deny.

Here is my idea. If you your cheater does not know that you are on to them, find out where their affair partner lives first.

Then one day, say you want to go out to dinner. Get in the car without saying anything, then drive to the OM/OW's house. Pull up in the driveway, put the car in park, shut the engine off and simply say, "Anything you want to say before we go in?"

Watch your cheater waffle and desperately try to come up with something to say. And if they refuse to admit it, take the keys and say, "well you can stay here if you want, I'm going in".

You want a sure fire way to get something out of them, I think this would be it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think your advice is silly.

IMO, just confront them and say _"I know you are having an affair with X and I will not live in an open marriage. Either you end the affair completely or I will file for divorce. I deserve better."_

Or _"I know you are having an affair with X and I will not live in an open marriage. I am filing for divorce. I deserve better." _

And then follow through with hard actions.

Never reveal your sources. If the cheater wants to deny, that's on them. The betrayed does not have to accept that & can leave the relationship if they choose. That or they can tolerate a relationship where the cheater won't even own what they've done.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No need for theatrics. Just simply do what Jelly said and be done with him/her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh but Mori, some people like the drama. LOL


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I left. There was no reason to confront all of the women he slept with. I married a serial cheater and divorced after a year. The BIG RED FLAGS were present before I married him. Shame on me for making that huge mistake. I was very young, married at 19, sperated at 20, divorced at 21. 

My second husband is absolutely fabulous! I learned from my mistakes and set my standards much higher and I have the man of my dreams. My knight and shining armor!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh but Mori, some people like the drama. LOL


Very true girl. But I'm reminded of an old saying - damn I'm full of them, aren't I? - "Save the drama for your mama".


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That's a song? LOL. I just thought it was a catchphrase. LOL. ::Goes off to Google OLD songs:: Hahahaha.


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

I talked to the ow my hubby was cheating with.i also just found out that she is not even 15 minutes from us.he actually asked to be stationed here at ft.bragg after i caught him.i didnt know she was here until after he did this.she has swore to me that he hasnt tried to contact her at all since i caught him about her.she was so hurt when i called her she cried she told me she was in love with him.and that they had been talking since novenber of 2006 when he was in iraq.in 2007 she flew to oklahoma to see him for 4 dys.she gave him a necklace while there that he kept all this time until i told him.i dont know what he did with it but it aint here now.she has told me many times she will come here to our house to comfront him.so i believe all she told me.what hurt me was that while he was iraq i went & bought him a brand new truck with 3 miles on it..well while he was in oklahoma with her he rode her around in it & even took he to the same diner we have eaten at since we got 2gether..i havent eaten there since then.he still denies so much of that affair but i know he is great at this cheating & i also know there is so much i still dont know..being in the military he is able to cheat being in different states or countries without me.so even confronting the ow will not change anything for me..been there already..my hubby is the one who has this beast out but he doesnt want to cage it up.


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## workitout (Jan 24, 2012)

str8insane, you need to contact your husband's first sergeant. He is in the military and held to a different standard than the civilian world. He can and will be prosecuted under military law. Additionally, if you want to try and work it out, they can put a no contact order in for the OW.

Send me a PM, and I can probably help you out.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There wasn't an OW in my case. I had incontrovertible proof which I simply told him about, then kicked his ass to the curb. There was no way he could deny it. I even got him to admit to more than what I had evidence for, although I still never got the whole story for a while after D day.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

How you confront someone depends on the person you are and the person you're dealing with. For instance, if your partner has an anger problem, an intervention with his and your families is probably going to lead to violence or threats of it. And, it might take away any chance of recovery, too. So, think carefully about the kind of person you're confronting.

Your scenario is definitely interesting and good for people who can handle their drama and own up to truth (and cheaters often won't), but not for people where emotions might get out of control. People lie, even when confronted up close. I met APs of my WH and they denied up and down about anything and everything to my face. Theatrics can backfire, too; depends on how many head games you like playing with each other and whether or not the two of you know which lines not to cross.

The most straightforward thing you can do is present proof in private, say that you're giving them an ultimatum to quit or leave, or else just say you're going to leave. The rest will depend on the dynamics of your relationship and how you want it to play out.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I would confront through a process server with divorce papers at her job.

I wouldn`t even really be present for the actual initial confrontation.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The only thought I have - being on the other side - is this. When my wife picked up my phone with a text from the OW we were in the middle of putting our son to bed. The text was totally mundane so there was no immediate explosion and I indicated I'd explain when our son was in bed. As a result I had about 10 minutes to prepare myself for what I was about to do to my wife. It gave me a chance to gut check and steel my resolve to tell her the full and complete truth. It would have been much much harder had she surprised me. If someone dumps that confrontation on you sometimes the lie can jump out of your mouth before you can even stop it - you're mind just can't process what's happening that fast and the reflex to say no to try to stop the world from spinning just comes out.

I understand the advantage and reasons for surprise and that the cheater is entitled to no consideration, but I thank God for those 10 minutes. They didn't change my intention - I wasn't talking myself into telling the truth - but they gave me enough time to be ready to not wavier at all as my wife crumbled in front of me at my hand. 

I would like to think were I in the position of confronting I would lay it out and then tell my spouse that I'll be back in 10 minutes to see what you have to say.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> The only thought I have - being on the other side - is this. When my wife picked up my phone with a text from the OW we were in the middle of putting our son to bed. The text was totally mundane so there was no immediate explosion and I indicated I'd explain when our son was in bed. As a result I had about 10 minutes to prepare myself for what I was about to do to my wife. It gave me a chance to gut check and steel my resolve to tell her the full and complete truth. It would have been much much harder had she surprised me. If someone dumps that confrontation on you sometimes the lie can jump out of your mouth before you can even stop it - you're mind just can't process what's happening that fast and the reflex to say no to try to stop the world from spinning just comes out.
> 
> I understand the advantage and reasons for surprise and that the cheater is entitled to no consideration, but I thank God for those 10 minutes. They didn't change my intention - I wasn't talking myself into telling the truth - but they gave me enough time to be ready to not wavier at all as my wife crumbled in front of me at my hand.
> 
> I would like to think were I in the position of confronting I would lay it out and then tell my spouse that I'll be back in 10 minutes to see what you have to say.


This is a really good point that I had never considered before. I wonder if I had, instead of just telling him to get the hell out and throwing his laptop at him, said something like "I have just discovered you are cheating on me. I want to talk to you about it but we both need to collect ourselves first, and I want to hear what you're going to do" if he would have been more forthcoming at first.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I think your advice is silly.


Thats your opinion and you are entitled to it.

Having said that, not silly at all. You drive them to their affair partner's house, don't way a word and wait for them to spill the beans.

You wouldn't even have to say anything. Just pull up to the drive, shut the car off and look at your cheater. You'll know immediately, AND you will scare the living crap out of them.

You can confront any way you like. My idea is a great way to get them to squirm before giving themselves up.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

workitout said:


> str8insane, you need to contact your husband's first sergeant. He is in the military and held to a different standard than the civilian world. He can and will be prosecuted under military law. Additionally, if you want to try and work it out, they can put a no contact order in for the OW.
> 
> Send me a PM, and I can probably help you out.


Workitout - I have over 36 years in the military. There is more to this story. I recommended that she goes to his commander but she could lose in the end big time and it may not be prudent for her to do so. Who is hurt if she tells his command? If he is punished and has a lost of income, how much alimony or support will she receive?

Her husband is scum and my first reaction was to have her tell the commander. That was a reaction and not very good counsel.

I would talk to an attorney, a chaplain and call Military One Source. All are confidential but beware if it is a JAG in her husband's command. 

If she talks to a JAG in the command the JAG works for the commander and the JAG may be obligated to tell the commander. The chaplain can't disclose anything and I mean nothing, no matter how henious the crime.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I would like to think were I in the position of confronting I would lay it out and then tell my spouse that I'll be back in 10 minutes to see what you have to say.


That`s damn insightful.

Thank you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sigma- the problem with your theory is that many cheaters will use that 10 minutes to think of a lie that fits better


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> sigma- the problem with your theory is that many cheaters will use that 10 minutes to think of a lie that fits better


I know - many would do exactly that. I'd like to think that I'd be able to judge the reaction with some degree of reliability and that further lies would become evident as I monitored activity.

I knew that 10 minutes was a gift when it happened. What I didn't know was just how quickly a surprise accusation can make you spit out a lie you didn't want to - when you're guilty. I broke no contact and concealed it from my wife for two days. Without getting deep into the details the first day we didn't communicate but the door was opened under the pretense of my AP being someone else, but I knew it was her. The next day we chatted online for a while - it was all platonic - but as we know contact is contact. As fate would have it my wife asked me that night totally out of the blue, "so you still haven't heard anything from ****?" I was so shocked all I could spit out was "No." I didn't want to tell that lie, I was so surprised I wasn't prepared for the coming ass kicking I deserved. Long story short, I went to bed realizing if I went to work the next day with that secret that I was back in the affair and all bets were off. I woke my wife up at 2:00am and confessed both the lie and the violation of no contact. I'm still shocked that when confronted I answered that way - I heard it coming out of my mouth and couldn't believe it was happening. 

When dealing with something of the gravity of infidelity I think a few minutes to compose yourself after the revelation is a good thing. Lies will come out - they always do.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Thats your opinion and you are entitled to it.
> 
> Having said that, not silly at all. You drive them to their affair partner's house, don't way a word and wait for them to spill the beans.
> 
> ...


Well, as I previously posted this is exactly how a friend's husband handled her cheating. Except that he had already bagged her stuff and it was in the trunk. He tossed it on the OM's front lawn and said have a good life. After he drove away he waited a while and then went back. They ended up reconciling but she admitted it sure did snap her out of her fog.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Thats your opinion and you are entitled to it.
> 
> Having said that, not silly at all. You drive them to their affair partner's house, don't way a word and wait for them to spill the beans.
> 
> ...


Well, hey, if this works for you, have at it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

That approach will only work on non-confrontational, non-violent cheating wives, but definitely not on the violent prone ones. In that case, the best way to handle a violent cheating wife is to provoke her with insults to have her loose control and attack you. Granted that it could be the last thing you do in this life but if you survive, you can report her to the police who - after finding physical evidence on your body of her attack - will arrest her and book her for domestic violence. Hire a shark divorce attorney to file divorce on your behalf, request a restraining order, and a temporary custody order - so she won't be able to legally take away the kiddies from the home before the custody issue can be settled. Hey what's good for the goose is good for the gander.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

Mine had no chance to deny anyway, but I do wish I'd been less impulsive, waited and found a way to catch the two of them together. I would have shook his hand, given him my wedding ring and wished them luck. Might have saved their relationship, come to think of it. I'm actually pretty open-minded when it comes to the pursuit of happiness.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The title of this thread should have included "or how to turn infidelity into an art form".


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Well, as I previously posted this is exactly how a friend's husband handled her cheating. Except that he had already bagged her stuff and it was in the trunk. He tossed it on the OM's front lawn and said have a good life. After he drove away he waited a while and then went back. They ended up reconciling but she admitted it sure did snap her out of her fog.


And no doubt the OM didn't want her permanently. Just a side piece when convenient for him.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Well, hey, if this works for you, have at it.


Oh it would work for me great

Only I would be there to drop her off. If she is gonna spread em for the other man, the other man can be the one to take her in.

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Oh it would work for me great


Awesome.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hey Dex, get married again to a confirmed cheater and once you catch her in the act, you can fulfill your fantasy. But if she never cheats on you, then your fantasy will be screwed. :rofl:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh but Mori, some people like the drama. LOL


But could you imagine...oh the look on their face! Sounds like something out of a made for TV drama, tho...LOL!!!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Dexter, you are way more into drama than I am. I would have prefered to confront when I had all my facts straight and had my divorce strategy in place, not to catch them red-handed, or to force some kind of big dramatic scene. Drama is a bad thing.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Hey Dex, get married again to a confirmed cheater and once you catch her in the act, you can fulfill your fantasy. But if she never cheats on you, then your fantasy will be screwed. :rofl:


Nah, I already did the marriage thing. Not taking the chance I'll get another POS wife.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Dexter, you are way more into drama than I am. I would have prefered to confront when I had all my facts straight and had my divorce strategy in place, not to catch them red-handed, or to force some kind of big dramatic scene. Drama is a bad thing.


I didn't say I would do it if I didn't know the truth, just want them to spit it out themselves. I certainly wouldn't do that if I only had a hunch.

Its about having the truth in hand, and seeing their reaction when they realize......you are parked in the OM/OW's driveway. Oh the horror!:rofl:


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> And no doubt the OM didn't want her permanently. Just a side piece when convenient for him.


From what I understand he peeked out the window but never even opened the door.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> From what I understand he peeked out the window but never even opened the door.


Yup, had the balls to mess with his wife, but not the balls to face them like a man.


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## wizer (Feb 8, 2012)

Dexter Morgan said:


> There have been some questions from betrayed people on how to confront their cheaters.
> 
> 
> So lets discuss ways to effectively confront them so they cannot deny.


I'm new to this forum but I've been around other boards for years, and I've been through my own divorce which was quite ugly but did not involve infidelity on either side. 

That much being said, I've heard countless stories and I'm quite familiar with how it goes down when it comes to cheating.

Cheaters will always deny even if you catch them in the act, to them, if they don't admit it, then they can rationalize that they're not guilty and it "didn't really happen". I know it makes no sense but that's how it works. Or, when faced with irrefutable evidence and their back is to the wall, the most common responses are either 1) Ok you got me, I cheated, I'm glad it's out, goodbye or 2) They beg for forgiveness amidst tears.

But who gives a rat's ass what they say and do? They freaking had sex with someone else which is arguably the biggest breach of trust and the most deceptive thing one person can do to another.

Why confront them, why try to work on things, why try to prove what they did? The courts don't care and neither do they. If they did care they wouldn't have cheated, or at the very least they would have come clean before they were caught in the act.

Kick their ass to the curb and don't look back, and don't waste your time and effort trying to save a sinking ship,they're not worth it. Besides if they are forgiven they know they can get away with it again, and they're going to cheat on you again, that much is certain, it's only a matter of time.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Then one day, say you want to go out to dinner. Get in the car without saying anything, then drive to the OM/OW's house. Pull up in the driveway, put the car in park, shut the engine off and simply say, "Anything you want to say before we go in?"


That would be actually pretty epic but I think the dignified exit is the best way.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Dexter, you are way more into drama than I am. *I would have prefered to confront when I had all my facts straight and had my divorce strategy in place,* not to catch them red-handed, or to force some kind of big dramatic scene. Drama is a bad thing.


Me too....you never want them to accuse you of assessing a punishment far more overbearing than the crime.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

when I discovered OM#2 and found the texts to him on her blackberry, I texted him from her phone and told him that I would now be separating from and divorcing my W, I texted that if he knew she was married, and instead of taking care of our child while I was recovering from surgery she had dumped our child off with whomever she could find to take him so they could go screw, that they deserved each other.

In honesty I didn't give a flying F about him, the moment I realized she had no intention of trying to fix our marriage I knew it was done. I only texted that because I had not been able to get any kind of appropriate reaction from my W by being kind and trusting and so I just did that for my own benefit to help solidify the notion that she totally and utterly disrespected me and our marriage. I think I actually earned back a little respect from her for doing that but it was meaningless to me at that point.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Complexity said:


> That would be actually pretty epic but I think the dignified exit is the best way.


Dignified, schmidnified. I'd want to see her crap her pants and that look on her face.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I jammed my knife in the sidewalls of two of the OM's BFG offroad tires right after I caught my wife at his apartment. The sound of all that rushing air was music to my ears.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I jammed my knife in the sidewalls of two of the OM's BFG offroad tires right after I caught my wife at his apartment. The sound of all that rushing air was music to my ears.


So what of your wife's did you destroy?

Because she is the one that directly betrayed you. Not that anger towards the OM isn't justified, unless he didn't know she was married or something.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Dignified, schmidnified. I'd want to see her crap her pants and that look on her face.


Yeah but she could have a total opposite reaction too. Like telling you she's made an excellent choice.

Who knows.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah but she could have a total opposite reaction too. Like telling you she's made an excellent choice.
> 
> Who knows.


If a cheater truly felt that way, they wouldn't go to lengths to hide it and not sever the relationship with me.

Either way, her ass gets dropped off at the OM's house. And I would be free from that point on:smthumbup:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah but she could have a total opposite reaction too. Like telling you she's made an excellent choice.
> 
> Who knows.


Good point. There have been cases where the cheating wife far from feeling shame of being caught in the act, felt contempt for he husband and told him that she found a better man and continued humping the OM. What then Dex?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Either way, her ass gets dropped off at the OM's house. And I would be free from that point on:smthumbup:


Some people don't really care either way if they get caught.




Dexter Morgan said:


> If a cheater truly felt that way, they wouldn't go to lengths to hide it and not sever the relationship with me


You are generous to drive her anywhere in your hypothetical fantasy. Cause most people wouldn't be bothered to waste their time.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Better to just file and tell her 'Hasta la vista baby'.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Good point. There have been cases where the cheating wife far from feeling shame of being caught in the act, felt contempt for he husband and told him that she found a better man and continued humping the OM. What then Dex?


ACME-type explosions and a Hollywood themed action movie soundtrack playing in the background. :rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Better to just file and tell her 'Hasta la vista baby'.


He could hire Ahhhnold S. to play a part in his movie and say the line for him! (or Ahhhnold's ex-wife Maria Shriver). :lol:


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> He could hire Ahhhnold S. to play a part in his movie and say the line for him! (or Ahhhnold's ex-wife Maria Shriver). :lol:


Yeah, he knows a lot about adultery.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Yeah. Do an Arnold Schwarzenegger in 'Total Recall' and shoot the wife and tell her 'Consider THAT a divorce'.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Some people don't really care either way if they get caught.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm sensing this thread hits a nerve with you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> Yeah, he knows a lot about adultery.


That's why I suggested him for the plot. 



morituri said:


> Yeah. Do an Arnold Schwarzenegger in 'Total Recall' and shoot the wife and tell her 'Consider THAT a divorce'.


:rofl: He'd be wearing his sunglasses too!



Dexter Morgan said:


> I'm sensing this thread hits a nerve with you.


Quite the opposite. I find this thread extremely entertaining. It's amusing to me


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I tried to remain cool and calm when I found out. I wanted to look for more and not leave any wiggle room. That said my emotions got the better of me and I blew.

I wish I had done so much different


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Quite the opposite. I find this thread extremely entertaining. It's amusing to me


Me too. Thats why I started it.


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