# Looking for advice from the female perspective...



## ohrunner77 (Jun 15, 2011)

So my wife of 4.5 years and I have been separated for almost 2 months now. She initiated the separation saying she needed the time and space to get clarity on what she wanted and what would make her happy. We attempted marriage counseling - but it didn't work, she kept flip flopping back and forth - b/t wanting to work on our marriage or leaving and getting away from me. Ultimately, it became too much to bear for me (I wasn't sleeping or eating) and she moved out. It has been over a month since she moved out and at first we hardly talked at all - only when it had to do with our daughter. We have a 1 yr old daughter, and in all of this mess we are putting her first. We agreed to a schedule and share our daughter and it has worked since all of the exchanges can take place thruogh daycare.

In the meantime, I've been seeing a counselor myself and getting treatment for anxiety and depression - things that I've suffered from for yrs but never dealt with (a contributing factor in the separation). I'm on medication and the counseling has helped me gain a lot of perspective. It's still early and I know I have a way to go, but I already feel better about myself and find myself enjoying things again and finding myself happy doing things that previously I might have seen more as necessary chores.

Anyway, where I need advice is this...About 2 weeks ago, my wife texted me that she wanted to know if I was available to talk on the phone, that she had some things to discuss about our daughter. So she called and we talked some about our daughter - but without any prompting my wife wanted to talk about us. Without getting into too much of the details, we ended up talking for almost 2 hrs. She asked how I was doing and how counseling was going. And I shared with her the progress I have been making. She asked about what I have doing. I told her about some of the fun things I've been doing with our daughter as well as just by myself or with my friends. She started to cry when I was telling her about the progress I have been making with my depression and self discovery I've had. We both said we loved each other, but we left it at that for now nothing was going to change. That it was best if we still kept cautious and didn't rush into anything. But she did ask for the name of my counselor b/c she thought she might look into going herself and wanted to know if I would recommend her and whether the counselor would be okay seeing us both independently or eventually as a couple.

I obviously felt better after we talked. And felt like there was still hope. See there had been a guy friend that she had befriended at work who was going through a divorce that she had been talking to alot leading up to and right after we separated. But she confessed to me that she stopped talking to him and realized that he was shady. Anyway after our talk I was in better spirits and felt like there was still hope for us to reconcile and work on our marriage which is what I want.

Then this past weekend, she wanted to talk again on the phone. She called and mostly we talked about our daughter, but we did also talk about our weekends and what we did. It was a nice conversation. And then the next day she even texted me to see if I was feeling any better (I had been sick over the weekend). I am taking all of this as good signs that she still has feelings. But I'm also very anxious to make more progress. My instinct is to call her and ask her out on a date - but I'm afraid it's too soon and she's not ready for that. But I'm having a hard time being patient.

She also emailed me last night with a link to something she thought I would find funny. But she said in the email "Sorry - I know I've probably been contacting you too much recently - but I thought you would find this funny."
Now I'm trying not to read anything into that - I know she doesn't want to lead me on. But it's nice to have her contact me and to know that she is thinking of me.

I'm looking for advice on what I should do next. I don't need any more time/space to know what I want. I'm ready to work on our marriage. I'm willing to take things slow and just start small - like a date here and there. But I also feel like she should be the one that reaches out not me. I have tickets to this concert in a few weeks that I know she wants to go to - and I want to ask her to go with me, but I'm afraid it's still to soon.

Any thoughts / advice in how I should proceed?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Continue to work on yourself, enjoy your daughter and live your life. I would think that she would express a change of heart... Or maybe she feels more comfortable and "friend-like" with you, without the pressures of the marriage. She seems confused, and that's confusing you. SHE initiated the seperation, now SHE'S initiating extraneous attention? This is confusing to me, and I'm a woman! LoL!!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Do you know what your wife wants? I would talk with her about it and see where she stands right now, and I would insist on going to marriage counseling together if she agrees she wants to work on the marriage. If she doesn't agree or doesn't want to discuss anything further, then just continue working on yourself and becoming the best man that you can.

Best wishes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sounds like my situation (almost) except reversed roles.

I say, work on yourself, becomes the better "you" and just let her to the contacting. 

Happy talk, small talk   My husband and I have had AMAZING conversations lately (like when we first started dating). It's nice to relax and get to know him again. We don't talk about "us" right now. We know what the other wants. He wanted time to think (which has changed drastically in one month. First he was done, now he says it will just take time  ), I didn't want to divorce. So--- why bring up negativity every time we talk? We are ENJOYING each other and he comes around more because he sees the progress I've made.

One day at a time. Be patient. Be calm. Just know that by letting go, you give her the choice to return...she will.


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## shellsaplenty (Aug 1, 2011)

I'm with most of the postings above. Confusion in a relationship can come from many sources, past and present, and really, even worries of the future. One of the reasons living in the present is so very important is that it keeps clarity at it's best. My advice is to keep doing what you are doing. Take good care of yourself, and your daughter. You seem to be clear on your needs and desires for your life. However, your wife still seems cloudy. I guess the question comes down to this...are you willing to incorporate her into your clarity knowing she is still unclear ? When I say incorporate her, what I mean is "get close" again. You've done work to get to a place of safety for yourself. She sounds like she needs to do the same. One of my favorite quotes is "Just get close enough to stay warm, but not to get burned". To me it applies to situations such as the one you are in. You may want to remember that you are in charge of keeping yourself clear, and that means thinking about how much, how often, and how close you want others to be. When you get to a place where it becomes a question of moving on in another direction, then I think it's time to ask her what she wants now, not what she wanted when she left. Hopefully she's worked on that. Good luck in all of this...hope it helps to have a little online help.


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