# HELP-Husband in EA-Going to Divorce



## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

Husband and I have been together for 22 years. He began an EA in April and is going to file for divorce soon. He's living a fantasy with OW. OW is married with two small children. She is planning on divorcing her husband. Husband wants to live at home (with me) until the divorce is final. I think he should leave. I don't want a divorce. He is making a HUGE mistake. He is telling everyone that he isn't "in love with me" anymore. Should I make him move out? Is it too late to save my marriage?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I am really sorry that you are going through this. There will be people coming along who have better experience than I, but i wanted to let you know you are not alone. Do not believe anything he says. Do you know who the other woman is? You will need to expose the affair to her husband as soon as possible. Do you have evidence, copies of texts? The husband could be your biggest asset. You will need to see an attorney as soon as you can. Regardless of what happens, you need to know your rights and what to expect. Is the OW local? If she is, i would be surprised if it hasn't been a physical affair. People dont usually throw their 22 year marriage away without having sex first.


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

Yes, I know who the woman is. She works with my husband. I don't know her personally. She told my husband that she filed for divorce (and that her husband knows all about the affair) and that it's time for my husband to file for divorce. I do have phone records. My husband is not trying to hide the affair. He told me he wants to be with her.


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

Should I kick him out? He wants to continue living with me until the divorce is final?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Have you considered exposing them at work? Most jobs don't take kindly to that activity. That may seem extreme, but you are fighting for your marriage. The question you need to ask yourself is, do you really want to stay married to this man? You will need to realize that the one most willing to lose a relationship have the power. Try not to beg and plead with your husband. Read up on the affair fog. Google the 180 and try to implement it into your life

Everything your husband is telling you is suspect. He might be lying. Even if he is telling the truth, the OW could be lying to him. Never assume the other spouse knows.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I am sure you must feel despair, and be overwhelmed. Have you told any friends or family yet? Please try not to do this on your own. Have you told his family yet?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

ditched said:


> Should I kick him out? He wants to continue living with me until the divorce is final?


Legally i don't know if you can force him out. Nth at is another reason to meet with an attorney. Please please look at the 180.' It will help you start to detach from your husband. Some do this as a way to seem more desirable, and win their spouse back. The real purpose is for you to get some emotional separation for your spouse so you can work on you.

Is he wanting to stay in the master bedroom? Kick him to the couch at minimum.


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

He is totally in a fog. He can't see anything but her. Our marriage has always been really great. This past year he started working nights and I work days so we didn't see each other except for weekends. They work together and started hanging out. I knew they were friends. He's a great guy making a terrible decision. Should I just let him go?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

ditched said:


> He is totally in a fog. He can't see anything but her. Our marriage has always been really great. This past year he started working nights and I work days so we didn't see each other except for weekends. They work together and started hanging out. I knew they were friends. He's a great guy making a terrible decision. Should I just let him go?


Sorry i keep making so many posts. I am trying to give advice too quickly i think. I remember when i first came here. When you post a question and no one responds for a little while, i felt a twinge of rejection or something.

As for whether to let him go, that is up to you. That is where the 180 will help you clear your head a little bit. If he is in the fog, then you need to expose this affair far and wide. The light of truth is your best chance to kill this now. Once the affair is over, then you can decide whether or not you want to stay. Please be prepared. The chances you know everything are very slim. I would put odds at 99-100% that it is physical. You should get tested for STI's.


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

Thanks for your advice, Differentguy. I just found this website and unfortunately, I think I've been doing everything wrong. I kept the affair a secret because I was hoping my husband would snap out of it and recognize his mistake. Instead, he's totally committed to this woman. My family knows what is going on. He just told him family this weekend that he's going to divorce me. 

When we are together is it just like old times, just no affection. We laugh, joke, have a great time. That's why I've been getting mixed signals. But with him telling his family this weekend. I think he will file for divorce soon.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

ditched said:


> Thanks for your advice, Differentguy. I just found this website and unfortunately, I think I've been doing everything wrong. I kept the affair a secret because I was hoping my husband would snap out of it and recognize his mistake. Instead, he's totally committed to this woman. My family knows what is going on. He just told him family this weekend that he's going to divorce me.
> 
> When we are together is it just like old times, just no affection. We laugh, joke, have a great time. That's why I've been getting mixed signals. But with him telling his family this weekend. I think he will file for divorce soon.


Do you know that he told his family? And even if he told them about divorce, do they know he is a cheater?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Cut him off. He's stabbing you in the back. He's destroying two families. That means he is not a good person.

Don't do anything for him. 

Find out who the ow's husband is and talk to him and see what he really knows

Do you work? Take half of the money out of all accounts and own your own accounts. Cancel all joint credit cards or you could end up in a ton of debt.

Let his family and friends know why he is divorcing. 

By playing nice in you have dug yourself a big hole.

Ea! Bs, if he is telling you they haven't been banging each other's brains out he is still lying about the affair .

If you are elegible for alimony for alimony you don't want him to lose his job. If you don't need his money talk to his hr dept. is he her boss?

You have a lawyer right?


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Yah! The cavalry has arrived. Listen to this. Great advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

I am concerned that he is in the middle of a mid-life crisis and is acting out. He has never done anything wrong in his life, so this was a huge shock. To not just me but to everyone who knows him. We have been best friends forever and it is really hard to understand what happened. This is completely out of character for him. He would never deliberately cause anyone pain. But to cause me this much pain and not do anything to stop it, I just don't get.

I have removed half of all the money and cancelled the credit card. 

His place of work does allow dating between co-workers.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You can try to jerk him out of this by being hard as he*l on him---------cancel his CC's---take all marital funds, and put them in an acct. with only your name on it---definitely---kick him out of the house----LET HIM GET A TASTE OF LIFE WITHOUT YOU BEING THERE TO TAKE CARE OF HIS NEEDS

File for D, and do it quickly,---this to make him once again---realize what he may be losing-----DO NOT ALLOW HIM THE TIME TO PLAY THE GAME ON HIS TERMS---YOU PLAY THIS GAME ON YOUR TERMS

At this point in time, if he does wake up, and wants to return to you----and I am not sure why you would want him back, but if you do---he comes back under the strictest of conditions---you are not to allow him to enjoy his life as he had it prior to his cheating---and he CAN NOT BE ALLOWED to resume his cushy lifestyle prior to cheating

He will be accountable/show remorse/ and do exactly what you demand of him---or he does not come back-------that is the way it has to be---so he understands that he is being given a great gift---a 2nd chance---but to be administered to, by your rules, and your rules only---HE GETS NO SAY, in anything, or tell him to get out and stay out.

I am willing to bet when push comes to shove his cheating partner, will NOT break up her family---so your H, is gonna be out there in the middle of the ocean on a life raft!!!!!!!!


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your advice. It's just really hard for me to let him go. I know he has to see what life is like without me. I get it.

We grew up together and have been inseparable since I was 16. He is the nicest person I've ever known. I have never been so disappointed in someone in my life. The OW has been with her husband for 20+ years and their children are 4 and 6. I'm just so shocked she would walk away from them. 

I understand that he made his bed, now he has to lie in it. Still I can't help but worry for when he wakes up and realizes what he did and what he lost. The honeymoon feeling will end eventually, I know. 

I just never ever thought he would do this. He's always had my back and best interest. I don't know if the pain will ever go away.


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

Once I kick him out, is there anything else I should do? Should I maintain contact with him? We don't have any children together, but we do have a house. If he reaches out to me, should I encourage it? 

My ultimate goal is to stay married to him. I do believe he is going through some kind of mental break (he just turned 40 and other members in his family have had similar breaks at 40 as well).


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Please find any way to contact her husband.
She may drop yours to save her m.
You won't know unless you contact him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ditched said:


> I am concerned that he is in the middle of a mid-life crisis and is acting out. He has never done anything wrong in his life, so this was a huge shock. To not just me but to everyone who knows him. We have been best friends forever and it is really hard to understand what happened. This is completely out of character for him. He would never deliberately cause anyone pain. But to cause me this much pain and not do anything to stop it, I just don't get.
> 
> I have removed half of all the money and cancelled the credit card.
> 
> *His place of work does allow dating between co-workers.*


Does it allow for affairs between married co-workers... who aren't married to each other?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Please find any way to contact her husband.
> She may drop yours to save her m.
> You won't know unless you contact him.


:iagree:


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

If I can find a way to contact her husband, what exactly do I say to him? I'm assuming that he knows what's going on, and that she's filed for divorce (that is what she told my husband); but in the event he doesn't know, how do I go about introducing myself, etc.?


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Ditched - I'm sorry you're going through this. 

The pain and confusion you're experiencing is real...and normal.

The best advice I have is to find a therapist and consult an attorney.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Just call him and talk to him, get information.

Stop cooking for him, stop doing anything for him. Get dressed up and go out, do not tell him where you are going. Get on the computer, go to dating websites, accidently leave the website up. This war.

Ask her husband if she has cheated before. Look her up on spokeo.com. Google her and find out what you can. 

Have you read through the 180 instructions?


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

Chaparral-Yes, I have read through the 180 instructions. I will begin the 180 today. My guess is my husband will meet up with her tonight. I will try calling her husband tonight. Thanks for your help!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

So sorry to hear what you are going through. You are doing the right thing by asking him to leave now. He is living a fantasy in his head, he need a dose of what reality will be like.


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

Husband just got home from visiting his mom and telling them. I'm going to try the 180 method. I hope I can do this.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You can do it, you have to do it. If it doesn't save your marriage it will save your sanity.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

ditched said:


> If I can find a way to contact her husband, what exactly do I say to him? I'm assuming that he knows what's going on, and that she's filed for divorce (that is what she told my husband); but in the event he doesn't know, how do I go about introducing myself, etc.?


THE OW could very easily be lying about her H knowing. Happens all the time. That is why its important for you to directly contact the OW H.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Please find any way to contact her husband.
> She may drop yours to save her m.
> You won't know unless you contact him.


:iagree:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ditched said:


> Husband just got home from visiting his mom and telling them. I'm going to try the 180 method. I hope I can do this.


We'll be here to give you support every step of the way.


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

So Husband just came home from being away at his mom's since Thursday. I was cordial but not overly enthusiastic like I normally am. I wasn't engaging him in details about his trip. I just kind of did my own thing, said hi, how was the drive, then kind of let him be. He got angry and called his sister to ask if he could go there. I never asked him why he was angry (though I already knew why). He just said he's going to his sister's and I said, have a good night. And he left. 

Did I do this right??!??!???!!?!? Please help?????????


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are on the right path. It's difficult to pull that off when you're used to caring but it's necessary. Practice saying "okay" and nothing more (like when he leaves). 

Don't assume the other woman is truthful with him or that he's truthful with you. Talking to her husband will give you a better idea of what's going on. Yes, he's in the fog right now and detachment is what you need to practice. You can't even begin to save a marriage when a spouse is in the fog.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Ditched:it sounds to me like you handled it perfectly.let him go to his sisters and stew in his own juices.I guess he thought you would be happy that he was leaving you for another woman.if it was me I wouldn't even say hi to him.best of luck.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Make sure you demand child and spousal support. Get as much as you can from him. 

Do you have a lawyer?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ditched said:


> If I can find a way to contact her husband, what exactly do I say to him?


Tell him that your husband and his wife are having an affair.



ditched said:


> I'm assuming that he knows what's going on, and that she's filed for divorce (that is what she told my husband); but in the event he doesn't know, how do I go about introducing myself, etc.?


Assume that he doesn't know anything. For all you know, either your husband has lied to you about OWH knowing, or OW has lied to your husband about her husband knowing.

Simply introduce yourself, tell him who you are, who your husband is, and that your husband and his wife are having an affair. Additionally, it would appear that the both of them are planning to leave the two of you for each other.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ditched said:


> So Husband just came home from being away at his mom's since Thursday. I was cordial but not overly enthusiastic like I normally am. I wasn't engaging him in details about his trip. I just kind of did my own thing, said hi, how was the drive, then kind of let him be. He got angry and called his sister to ask if he could go there. I never asked him why he was angry (though I already knew why). He just said he's going to his sister's and I said, have a good night. And he left.
> 
> Did I do this right??!??!???!!?!? Please help?????????


It's important that you realize that the 180 isn't necessarily supposed to bring a wayward spouse back to his or her betrayed spouse. _What it *is* designed for_ is helping betrayed spouses to prepare themselves for the eventuality of divorce by emotionally detaching from their wayward spouses.

Having said that, the 180 -- when combined w/ an appropriate degree of exposure of the affair -- will bust up an affair, bringing the wayward spouse(s) out of his/her/their fog(s), and back to his/her/their betrayed spouse(s).

Either way, yes... I'd say that you handled the situation appropriately. Now it's time to expose the affair. Consider a workplace exposure as well; between your husband and OW, is either the other's team lead, supervisor, manager, etc?


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

ditched said:


> Thanks for your advice, Differentguy. I just found this website and unfortunately, I think I've been doing everything wrong. I kept the affair a secret because I was hoping my husband would snap out of it and recognize his mistake. Instead, he's totally committed to this woman. My family knows what is going on. He just told him family this weekend that he's going to divorce me.
> 
> When we are together is it just like old times, just no affection. We laugh, joke, have a great time. That's why I've been getting mixed signals. But with him telling his family this weekend. I think he will file for divorce soon.


Quit acting this way! Do the 180 and ask him to leave if he will go. Cut his ass off, go see an attorney and have him served with divorce papers. Give him what he wants and go to work on you. Be cold and detached to him. Don't make him feel good about this decision. make his cheating ass own it


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Does it allow for affairs between married co-workers... who aren't married to each other?


Work is not junior high school. I'd keep the dirty laundry away from work. Lots of advice to cause the cheating husband pain in order to "get him back". How silly and stupid.

The OP should maintain her dignity and just let the cheating husband go. To pain him into staying is degrading to the wife. And why would she want to force him into staying with her if he does not!?! There is no dignity in that. All that does is further degrade the wife.

Dignity demands that the wife let him go with an attitude of GOOD RIDDENS!

To the wife: keep the moral high ground and stay dignified, and most importantly turn off your feelings to him and embrace the horrible thing that he did to you: no 2nd chances!

Love is never enough so don't decide on love alone. He has shown his true colors and that means only one thing: he is not good enough for you!


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Welsh15 said:


> Quit acting this way! Do the 180 and ask him to leave if he will go. Cut his ass off, go see an attorney and have him served with divorce papers. Give him what he wants and go to work on you. Be cold and detached to him. Don't make him feel good about this decision. make his cheating ass own it



I agree with Welsh. Ditcged, you are acting like a welcome mat and you seem not to have any self worth...you still joke around like old times!?! Where is the rage? The since of insult? Where is the anger? You act like a piece of carpet that he tramontana,es all over.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

ditched said:


> He is totally in a fog. He can't see anything but her. Our marriage has always been really great. This past year he started working nights and I work days so we didn't see each other except for weekends. They work together and started hanging out. I knew they were friends. *He's a great guy *making a terrible decision. Should I just let him go?


He is not a great guy making bad decisions He is a terrible guy making even worse decisions. Talk to an attorney as soon as possible. You have to protect yourself and children. I hate you have joined our club but you can get good advice here. I have noticed how many people that view this CWI forum and it has more viewers at one time than any web forum I have ever viewed.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> Work is not junior high school. I'd keep the dirty laundry away from work. Lots of advice to cause the cheating husband pain in order to "get him back". How silly and stupid.
> 
> The OP should maintain her dignity and just let the cheating husband go. To pain him into staying is degrading to the wife. And why would she want to force him into staying with her if he does not!?! There is no dignity in that. All that does is further degrade the wife.
> 
> ...


Wrong! She has stated that she wants to do what it takes to have a chance to recover her marriage, and since this is a workplace affair then workplace exposure is mandatory, along with full nuclear exposure to his family and hers as well.

The moral high ground is fighting for what she believes in, not just tucking tail and running when the sh!t gets tough.

Read this, ditched. It's the most comprehensive exposure plan I have seen yet. Takes guts, and there are no guarantees, but it's your best shot at busting this up. Read (and study) it very carefully, and follow it to the letter. You only need to read the first page, not the entire thread. Any questions, just ask.

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WalterWhite said:


> Work is not junior high school. I'd keep the dirty laundry away from work. Lots of advice to cause the cheating husband pain in order to "get him back". How silly and stupid.
> 
> The OP should maintain her dignity and just let the cheating husband go. To pain him into staying is degrading to the wife. And why would she want to force him into staying with her if he does not!?! There is no dignity in that. All that does is further degrade the wife.
> 
> ...


The bottom line is that a workplace exposure may very well accomplish quite a bit in terms of busting OP's WH out of his affair fog. It's not about being petty (though I understand and, to a degree, agree w/ the sentiment) or achieving any sort of revenge -- it's about pulling her WH out of his cotton candy and rainbow unicorn fantasy land bullsh*t and back into his marriage. Period. And exposure has a way of doing that.

Having said all of that, given that he's already told his family, and OP's family knows as well, a workplace exposure may be of limited value here. Again, I'm not saying that she should absolutely do it... only that she should _consider_ it.

Personally, I think she should file for divorce on the grounds of infidelity, take his ass to the cleaners, cut him the f*ck out of her life, and move on. But she's expressed a desire to stay in her marriage, so that's what my advice to date has been geared toward.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The only thing you know is what your husband told you. For example, the ow is divorcing, he has been at his parents telling them, he has gone to his sisters.

These things and every other thing he has told you has to be independently verified.

Call your inlaws, find if and what he told them and how long he stayed there. Check out everything.


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

Thanks for all the advice. 

I do believe that my husband is going through a mental break and that there is something (depression/mid-life crisis) that he is going through. I don't think yelling and screaming at him is going to help the situation. When I look at him, he doesn't see me. It's like there's no one home. And I don't think it's guilt. I think there is something mentally wrong with him. I can't yell and scream at someone who is sick. It's just not me. That being said, I do understand that regardless if he's sick or not he is still tearing our marriage apart and destroying me. 

None of this has been easy on me (obviously) but I didn't know this website even existed or I would have handled the whole situation differently. I realize now I should have exposed the affair immediately and that is something I will have to live with. Now that he is close to terminating the marriage, I just need to be able to say that I did everything to save my marriage. 

So, I am continuing with the 180. He is moving out today. I called him dad and step mom and told them what is going on (he hasn't called them yet.) While my husband told his mom and step dad on Thursday I found out they were in town today so I went to their hotel and waited outside by their car. Once they came out I told them my side of everything. He didn't tell them too many details. Only that he was in love with someone else and he wants to divorce me. 

I'm still attempting to contact the OW husband to see what he knows on his end. 

If I thought for one second that my husband was a piece of sh*t pig and just in this for his jollies I would walk away and never look back. Seeing how his is now and knowing him for 22 years, there is something wrong with him. I have to give this my all before I walk away. 

Any of advice about where I should go from here would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I have to agree with Walter, OP. You need to let this guy go. You don't want to be with a man who doesn't love you and know enough to stay with you on his own. You deserve better than that.

I think you are in your own fog. Someday you will look back and wonder why you ever tried to keep him with you.

You truly deserve so much better than this. Do you have a support system IRL that will tell you these things?

*When people show you who they are, believe them!*


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

jld- thanks for your post. I am not trying to keep this man with me. I don't try or do anything to persuade him to stay with me. He is free to go whenever he pleases. 

What I am trying to do is give him the opportunity to turn this wrong into a right. I am new to this whole "affair fog" situation. I knew something was wrong with him, and once I read about the "affair fog" I understood what was happening. I was giving him time to "wake up" but seeing how that most likely won't happen, I have taken steps to prepare myself to the eventuality of living alone. Never do I beg or plead with him to stay with me. Quite the opposite. I just have an internal battle with myself to not give up until there is nothing left.

Yes, I have a support system. Thanks again for your post.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Okay. Just make sure to take good care of yourself. Love yourself. Believe you are worthy of good things in life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ditched, you should get tested for STDs.

Whilst these will almost certainly be negative, you can never be too careful and the fact that you felt it necessary to have an STD test may serve as a wake-up call to your husband.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Differentguy said:


> I am really sorry that you are going through this. There will be people coming along who have better experience than I, but i wanted to let you know you are not alone. Do not believe anything he says. Do you know who the other woman is? You will need to expose the affair to her husband as soon as possible. Do you have evidence, copies of texts? The husband could be your biggest asset. You will need to see an attorney as soon as you can. Regardless of what happens, you need to know your rights and what to expect. Is the OW local? If she is, i would be surprised if it hasn't been a physical affair. People dont usually throw their 22 year marriage away without having sex first.


I like this, but the sex part is not necessarily true, just saying if that is a deal breaker for you, there are an amazing amount of EA's that don't include sex, they justify it as not cheating that way. But they do everything else that crosses all boundaries emotionally as well some physical.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

3putt said:


> Wrong! She has stated that she wants to do what it takes to have a chance to recover her marriage, and since this is a workplace affair then workplace exposure is mandatory, along with full nuclear exposure to his family and hers as well.
> 
> The moral high ground is fighting for what she believes in, not just tucking tail and running when the sh!t gets tough.
> 
> ...


Wrong!

Your plan to spread the dirt at work shows just how immoral and low class a person would need to be to do such a plan.

Going "ghetto" is the worse thing anyone should do to get their cheating spouse back. It's down and dirty and lacks class, and it gets ones reputation as dirty as the cheating spouses.

Take the high road and remember, cheaters must never be given 2nd chances.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

ditched said:


> jld- thanks for your post. I am not trying to keep this man with me. I don't try or do anything to persuade him to stay with me. He is free to go whenever he pleases.
> 
> What I am trying to do is give him the opportunity to turn this wrong into a right. I am new to this whole "affair fog" situation. I knew something was wrong with him, and once I read about the "affair fog" I understood what was happening. I was giving him time to "wake up" but seeing how that most likely won't happen, I have taken steps to prepare myself to the eventuality of living alone. Never do I beg or plead with him to stay with me. Quite the opposite. I just have an internal battle with myself to not give up until there is nothing left.
> 
> Yes, I have a support system. Thanks again for your post.


Ditched, you hold out the possibility that the titanic can be raised. You are holding out for the impossible dream.

Your husband has killed your marriage for good. It's dead. Tis gone. Nothing will ever be the same or better.

Love is never enough to keep a relationship.

Fighting for your love is only works if both parties are fighting together. This is not the case for you.

Accept the fact that there is no reserrecting a dead body.

Mourn it and move on with lessons learned.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

ditched said:


> I am concerned that he is in the middle of a mid-life crisis and is acting out. He has never done anything wrong in his life, so this was a huge shock. To not just me but to everyone who knows him. We have been best friends forever and it is really hard to understand what happened. This is completely out of character for him. He would never deliberately cause anyone pain. But to cause me this much pain and not do anything to stop it, I just don't get.
> 
> I have removed half of all the money and cancelled the credit card.
> 
> His place of work does allow dating between co-workers.


How does has your sex life been? The same? Nothing?

I'm willing to bet this is NOT an emotional affair. 

It doesn't matter if they are dating or not - they are both married. In fact, it could distract from their job duties. I would say something.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> Wrong!
> 
> Your plan to spread the dirt at work shows just how immoral and low class a person would need to be to do such a plan.
> 
> ...


Immoral and low class to tell the truth???

You are completely clueless and agenda driven, not help driven. 

I actually pity you.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> Wrong!
> 
> Your plan to spread the dirt at work shows just how immoral and low class a person would need to be to do such a plan.
> 
> ...



I exposed my WS and his OW/co-worker to their boss and there's nothing immoral, low class, or ghetto about telling the truth. The OW in my situation has a reputation for filing false sexual harassment claims at work and one of the reasons I exposed was to make sure their boss knew beyond a doubt there was no harassment going on, it was a mutual situation. My other reasons were for exposure of the truth, not to get my spouse back. Just like the 180 isn't done to get a WS back. 

If the OP finds she wants to do the same, expose her WS at his workplace, and is comfortable doing so, IMO she should go for it without thinking she is some sort of low class villain for doing so. 

While I respect your opinion that cheaters should not be given a second chance, the OP clearly seems to want to cover all her bases before making a decision. She does not seem to be at the point of knowing what she wants to do, much too early.

OP, don't feel bad if you don't know what to do yet, if you choose to reconcile, or if you decide your WS won't be getting a second chance. It's your life and you'll eventually decide the best way to go forward. I'd recommend IC and definitely do not go to MC unless you begin seeing true remorse from your WS and he goes NC with his AP with a commitment to reconcile with you. MC will be a waste of time and money before those things happen.

Also, the last I knew, cheating is down and dirty, and lacks class - the same should not be said for honesty. 

*Simply, if her WS didn't want anyone to find out about his cheating he shouldn't have done it. *


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

PLEASE HELP!!

Husband agreed to move out. That is what is best for me; to start healing. He just texted saying he has to move back in because if he leaves he loses his rights to the house. IS THIS TRUE?????? Anyone out there know this? I don't want him moving back in.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

It makes it easier for you to get the house in court. He still has rights to 50% of the equity in the house, but if one parent is living in the home with the kids, they are holding all the marbles.


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

We don't have kids. It's just me living in the house. I just want him out. I don't even care about getting the house. So, he gets to move back in?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ditched said:


> PLEASE HELP!!
> 
> Husband agreed to move out. That is what is best for me; to start healing. He just texted saying he has to move back in because if he leaves he loses his rights to the house. IS THIS TRUE?????? Anyone out there know this? I don't want him moving back in.


No he does not lose his rights to the house if he moves out. Where did he get that idea from?

Tell him no. He's already moved out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ditched said:


> We don't have kids. It's just me living in the house. I just want him out. I don't even care about getting the house. So, he gets to move back in?


My bet is that he's talked to someone who has no clue how property division works in a divorce.

Or he's having a panic attack realizing that he's losing you.

The problem is that legally you cannot kick him out of the house because it's his residence as much as it is yours. But were I you I'd stick to my guns on this. Get in touch with him and tell him that moving out does not mean that the loses any rights to the house. He can look it the state laws on google. He can all an attorney tomorrow.

But tell him that he cannot come back because he has injured you emotionally and you cannot stand to be around him.


If he does move back in, let him know that he has to sleep in one of the other bedrooms. You will not share a bed with someone who is cheating on you.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

ditched said:


> We don't have kids. It's just me living in the house. I just want him out. I don't even care about getting the house. So, he gets to move back in?


Tell him no way, he made his choice, and see how he reacts.

You could change the entry locks as well, but if he calls the police you may be forced to change them back or give him a key (I would make him have to go before a magistrate though....make it difficult and embarrassing for him). 

But standing tall has worked before so I would give it a shot. Lots of guys like this have been proven to be nothing more than bullies and cowards, so you really have nothing to lose by trying.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

ditched said:


> We don't have kids. It's just me living in the house. I just want him out. I don't even care about getting the house. So, he gets to move back in?


This is a question for your lawyer. Have you retained one yet?


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

3putt said:


> Immoral and low class to tell the truth???
> 
> You are completely clueless and agenda driven, not help driven.
> 
> I actually pity you.


Tell the truth to what end? Kill his job is going to save the marriage?

I've no agenda except to give the OP the truth.

Going ghetto to get the cheater back to her is like putting a gun to his head. Why guilt or pressure someone to come back?

Your advice is really a way for you to transfer your own hurt onto others. You have no clue about this topic.


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

UGH!! He is here! He dad and step father both told him that he needs to talk to a lawyer before he moves out even though I told him that I wouldn't prevent him from getting half! His family is acting as if I was the one who stabbed him in the back! He is the one who acted immorally, he is the one who committed adultery. It is utter BS that his family is acting like I'm trying to take sh*t away from him. 

He is sleeping on the couch. He said he's going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow and if the lawyer says he can leave, then he'll leave. He's actually mad at me because I was mad that he came back!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The 180 rules specifically say to not yell or scream at the cheating spouse, btw.

go completely dark on him. Do not talk to him unless it is about paying bills. Do nothing for him. Act like he is an unwelcome ghost. Otherwise go about your business in a happy cheerful way. Let him know you will be fine leaving a low class, cheating, lying jerk behind you.

Dress up, work out(great mood elevator), get a new , buy some new clothes and go out. Let him see you looking good all the time.

Yes, out him at work. They want to lie and cheat, let them wear it.

Put her on cheaterville.com. Let no one tread on you. Demand and deserve self respect.


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

Thank you for your response. 

Kicking him out was not easy for me, but I did it, and followed the 180 to a T. I was doing ok, then, bam, he shows up saying he's moving back in. It threw me, I'm not going to lie. Yes, I lost my cool, but I was adjusting to not living with him, and he threw a wrench in it. 

He says if the lawyer says he can leave then he will leave today. He is mad, not understanding why I don't want to live with him until the divorce is finalized. He doesn't seem to get that this is very hard on me and I don't want to see him or live with him anymore.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

He's in such a fog.
The risk of leaving the marital home almost always has to do with possession of the house for the children's sake. Usually, the party who leaves has a weaker position in court to later try to force the other party out during the pedency of the divorce. I know this is not your situation, but if you guys had kids and he left, leaving you and your imaginary children in the house, he would have a hard time getting a judge to out you and the kids.

But since that isn't the case, he's an idiot for believing he would lose his property.
Tell him to go to an attorney and then do not discuss it further. 
As far as outing him, well the purpose of exposure according to Marriage Builder, is to end the affair and get him to pick you over the affair partner. Marriage Builders admittedly have a poor track record, last I heard they say only 10% of couples who follow their Plan A actually end the affair and get back together. In your case, his family knows and don't care. Would his employer care? His co-workers? If your already done, why do it?

Keep up with the 180, and remember doing the 180 is just for you. It is not a ploy to get him back. It is a process to help you heal and get strong.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ditched said:


> His family is acting as if I was the one who stabbed him in the back! He is the one who acted immorally, he is the one who committed adultery. It is utter BS that his family is acting like I'm trying to take sh*t away from him.
> 
> He is sleeping on the couch. He said he's going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow and if the lawyer says he can leave, then he'll leave. He's actually mad at me because I was mad that he came back!


Hi Ditched.
It's not surprising that his family is acting this way. Why? Because waywards always paint the betrayed spouse out to be evil. So you can bet your bottom dollar he has probably talked incredible amounts of sh*t about you to his family, demonizing you, in order to make his rash/impulsive decision seem justified/ok. It's possible he hasn't even told them about the affair. 

I am glad you are sticking to your guns. He is completely in a fog right now. You need to be strong and it sounds like you are. 

Have you been able to get a hold of OW's husband?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's not the man you used to know. Once someone cheats, they go in the fog and simply can't see the reality outside their little cloud of fog. Just ignore him. Spend your time going out and doing things for you. Let him see you going out and having fun.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

ditched, 

Divorce is nothing but a business transaction. Since you don't have kids the courts will not be worried about where they will live. So the house and all its assets will be divided up 50/50.. Plain and simple, excluding some states with odd laws regarding Adultery and Alimony. So find out that info from your lawyer, or he will and he will be out. 

The best I can explain this moment in your life and your husbands as well is one of those horror movies where someone is possessed by a demon and they keep them chained up to a bed or in a room and work on them day and night to exercise the demon out of them. Or when you see a movie where the person is a drug addict and they go cold turkey and someone helps them out to get clean ( Basketball Diaries movie). 

Basically my point is you're going to have to do things that will seem bad to him to get him clean.

First off I want to say I know how rough it can be going through this as I have been through it myself and so have my kids.. My story is in my Signature labeled my mistake. 

Nutshell my mistake was thinking that begging and pleading would keep my wife.. It didn't.. It pushed her away faster..

Over the few years that I have been here I can tell you that no begging and pleading EVER saved a marriage.. I have seen people get back together, but it has always been temporary.. Basically the begging is a bandaid and only a temp fix.. 

What you need to do is what you are doing now.. Which is show him you can live without him. Look getting divorce does NOT prevent someone from getting remarried to that person again.. 

The reason he is getting upset is that deep down it bothers him that you can be indifferent. Part of him wants to see you begging or trying to win him back. He might not admit it or even realise it but it is happening. 

I didn't see you mention this or missed it. But you are aware that this is NOT an EA correct.. You know they have been Physical. No one buys a car sight unseen. Everyone test drives.. Those late nights at work with her were test drives..

Again it is very hard to understand, but if you can somehow accept that you need to push this to the breaking point to keep him then you will either succeed in having him come begging to come back or he will leave.. 

The simple reality is if he is leaving, then he is leaving. You did nothing to convince him to leave. You being bad, mean or nasty or even indifferent is not going to make up his mind and convince him to leave.. 

Again trust me I have been there.. I failed miserably at trying to keep my wife.. Oddly for me it was the best thing for me. I just didn't see it at that time. 

If you can and have the strenght and stomach for it.. You need to show him you don't give a sh1t and that you are fine without him. Basically look you want to be here, be here because YOU want to be here.. Not because you think I am holding you here.. 

I know this is sudden and such. I would try to go out with friends or even fake it until it happens. I would pretend to go out with friends and stay out even if its at a hotel by yourself for the night.. Anything to let him see life hasn't stopped for you.

Trust me him walking into a life with 2 kids is NOT going to be easy for him. He will NOT have the free time he is used to having or have the luxury of doing the things he wants to. 

One of my sons is on his computer in his room and the other is on the living room on the 55 inch playing Xbox.. I have to go into my bedroom to see TV on my 32 inch or look at TV on my computer.. BTW my kids have a TV in their room, but them together in the same room would be murder for one of them eventually. 

Again he will be babysitting and such.. Trust me, my kids are older and the current GF has a 3 year old. I have more patience than she does with her own daughter.. But I find it difficult sometimes as well because they were not raised like I raised my kids.. To me there is a lack of discipline, but I suck it up because it will just cause fights. Mind you I have kids, I can only imagine someone who never had them. They have less patience, especially with a child that is not their own.. 

Again in their fantasy the kids were NEVER their.. It was just them two.. Just wait till the kids come into play.. 

Simple example my Ex left me for someone with no kids.. She only has my youngest over 2 days a week. Monday and Tuesday and only for a short time honestly. She picks him up at 6 on monday, he goes to sleep at 9.. He goes to school ( during school time ) and then is picked up again at my home on Tuesday at around 4, then goes back to sleep at 9.. Then is home Wednesday.. Nutshell 9 hours a week with an average of 4 hours each day.. 

Mind you my son tells me they argue.. So in those 4 hours he hears them argue sometimes.. So imagine what goes on when he is NOT their.. Me and the GF live in separate homes and we argue over nonsense. 

Eventually trust issue will occur. There relationship is based on a lie.. 

My Ex wife in an attempt to fend off the truth, cut out her whole family.. Basically anyone who could question her was cut out. That includes our own 14 year old son. She hasn't spoken to him in over 1 year..

So yea they might be going through some mid life crisis or some other altering life changes.. But even my Therapist pretty much says fvck her, in a nice way. But its true.. 

You cannot worry about him or try to explain his actions.. He needs to fix himself, if he wants to fix himself. You cannot do anything for him. 

He isn't broken, He is going to work. He is being rational and not leaving because he doesn't want to lose his share of the house. If he were crazy, he wouldn't give a sh1t.. 

He is crazy, crazy like a fox !

Make sure you take half of all monies.. My Ex took 6k from me before I could stop it and I had to give her half of what was left. 

As was mentioned you need to verify things he says.. Just do not trust what he says on face value.. Again do not believe the it.. If you do, you will be setting yourself up for a let down.. Again I did that and it was very painful to see and catch my Ex wife in all these lies.. Again it is a side of these people you never expect to see or want to believe exist.. 

Expect the WORST and hope for the BEST.. 

Keep posting..


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The way to get him out of the fog is to kill the affair.
Your main chance to kill the affair is talking to the OW's husband, and exposure to his work, family, friends.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

A few things yes some are repeats.

The house equity thing is unlikely.
You are being plan B'ed hard
They have likely had sex unless you find something specific that indicates otherwise.
If the fog can be broken... Ive seen worse affairs have recoveries, but what do YOU think? Understand another woman has had your man!
His family will always value him over you. Yes even though he is cheating.
Are you in a state that infidelity matters?

Get to that woman's husband NOW!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hicks said:


> The way to get him out of the fog is to kill the affair.
> Your main chance to kill the affair is talking to the OW's husband, and exposure to his work, family, friends.


You haven't done this yet?! :scratchhead:


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Divorces can get messy. Legally a spouse can stay in the house. Your WH is getting conflicting advice (IMO). Hence him moving out and then moving back.

I suspect from the way you are writing about his family that there is more to this. The family seems to be supporting him. 

I have seen as many here on TAM that families can go in various directions. My in-laws for the most part were outraged at what my wife did. Her oldest brother did not talk to her for over a year, yet he constantly talked to me. Other families don't care or don't want to get involved. Others are given a BS story and they buy it.

Seems like your WH is intent on leaving. As others have suggested, lean hard on the 180.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

turnera said:


> You haven't done this yet?! :scratchhead:


I gotta agree. You are getting a lot of good advice, but seem hesitant to follow thru on it. Call the OW's husband at least.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you don't care about getting the house, why don't YOU move?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> I didn't see you mention this or missed it. But you are aware that this is NOT an EA correct.. You know they have been Physical. No one buys a car sight unseen. Everyone test drives..


Hardtohandle is correct ditched. The possibility of this only being an EA is incredibly small. A cheating man doesn't get to the point of wanting to marry the OW without having had sex with her. Does that make a difference to you? For most, it would.

Never the less, he's destroying your marriage. He made that choice. And the way you respond is by not allowing yourself to be available as his plan B. Follow the advice given. Take a hard line. Start the divorce process and expect it to go through. If he doesn't turn around, it's for the best. 

In the unlikely event he does turn around; check back here. We can help you identify if he is truly remorseful.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

ditched said:


> Should I kick him out? He wants to continue living with me until the divorce is final?


Absolutely! 100%. No other way.

You can separate your property as you go, but living together is just a sure way for you to be hurn on a daily basis. It's cruel on his part to expect you to do it.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Does it allow for affairs between married co-workers... who aren't married to each other?


Yes. All places of work allow that and much more as long as it doesn't cause any tension, become a problem for those involved or those who are around them. However, no business is going to tell you who to sleep or not to sleep with. It's your own business. All that the employer is interested in is that the workspace remains civil and harassment free.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

rubymoon said:


> Yes. All places of work allow that and much more as long as it doesn't cause any tension, become a problem for those involved or those who are around them. However, no business is going to tell you who to sleep or not to sleep with. It's your own business. All that the employer is interested in is that the workspace remains civil and harassment free.


Many companies have a policy of not allowing a supervisor to have a relationship with a subordinate - extramarital or not. Knowing whether or not this was the case is important information. If for no other reason, to have some bargaining power for the divorce negotiation.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Hi ditched,

I am so sorry you are going through this.
Posters like the ones below, and gus, Mat, Tunera etc, you can really trust them, I have seen them help so many people.

Some of the advice seems counter-intuitive when dealing with infidelity, but that is because the cheaters loyalty and desire are completely re-directed. Do a hard 180 for sure!




3putt said:


> Tell him no way, he made his choice, and see how he reacts.
> 
> But standing tall has worked before so I would give it a shot. Lots of guys like this have been proven to be nothing more than bullies and cowards, so you really have nothing to lose by trying.





Chaparral said:


> The 180 rules specifically say to not yell or scream at the cheating spouse, btw.
> 
> go completely dark on him. Do not talk to him unless it is about paying bills. Do nothing for him. Act like he is an unwelcome ghost. Otherwise go about your business in a happy cheerful way. Let him know you will be fine leaving a low class, cheating, lying jerk behind you.
> 
> ...



Remember any anger he has is a compensation for his wrong doing so don't own it at all right now.

Sure look your best but be detached! It looks like your husband is acting on his affair partners wishes. It may take some time for him to re-think what he has done.

It sounds like you are able to walk away, that is good, it will help regardless of which way this goes.

You deserve better than this. He has changes and is functioning as a stranger, it is a testosterone induced cogitative defect, you may pity him but he does not deserve your sympathy, he made the choices that led to this.

Let him experience the consequences of his actions, it is the only thing that can help him.

BTW men are territorial, as you detach and he begins to consider you with another man he will possibly feel ambivalent. (Here it seems like it may be later when he realizes that his affair did not workout like he thought it would)

Do not respond to ANY ambivalence, that is only fence sitting on his part, he needs to experience true remorse before you ever consider anything with him again.

True remorse is the antidote for his mindset and consequences are the syringe that injects it, showing true remorse is how you will know if the affair addiction has been broken.

You are getting good support here and it will continue.

I really wish you well.
Take care!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Can you afford to buy him out of his equity in the house? Or vice versa?


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Hardtohandle is correct ditched. The possibility of this only being an EA is incredibly small. A cheating man doesn't get to the point of wanting to marry the OW without having had sex with her. Does that make a difference to you? For most, it would.
> 
> Never the less, he's destroying your marriage. He made that choice. And the way you respond is by not allowing yourself to be available as his plan B. Follow the advice given. Take a hard line. Start the divorce process and expect it to go through. If he doesn't turn around, it's for the best.
> 
> In the unlikely event he does turn around; check back here. We can help you identify if he is truly remorseful.


It looks like the support is pouring in now. As for it being an EA don't believe anything he's said. Go by the actions you see. He is not showing any remorse and he is not being intimate with you. Also, you don't have any evidence on how long this has been going on so don't assume it's just a fog that will pass in a a few weeks. 

The 180 is for you to be able to get through this. Put together a list of things you have to do from the advice given here and look at it when you feel confused about your husband. He is on a path and he knows what he's doing. He isn't confused. Time for you to focus as well.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You really really really need to get your own lawyer ASAP. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Many companies have a policy of not allowing a supervisor to have a relationship with a subordinate - extramarital or not. Knowing whether or not this was the case is important information. If for no other reason, to have some bargaining power for the divorce negotiation.


This is not accurate. No company can put a taboo on relationship between any of its emoloyees. However, in the situation with a supervisor/professor, most companies would require to make the situation known to HR/management and to transfer one of the parties to another division/class to AVOID any potential problems not only between the two but other co-workers as well.

To have this as a leverage factor in divorce, OP would have to proof that their affair cause problems for the business or that they were having sex/intimacy during business hours or on the company's property.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

ditched said:


> UGH!! He is here! He dad and step father both told him that he needs to talk to a lawyer before he moves out even though I told him that I wouldn't prevent him from getting half! His family is acting as if I was the one who stabbed him in the back! He is the one who acted immorally, he is the one who committed adultery. It is utter BS that his family is acting like I'm trying to take sh*t away from him.


His family is worried that you will seek revange in a form of financial war. It is soooo very common! Not saying you would. Just saying that more often than not, the one in your situation would.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

rubymoon said:


> This is not accurate. No company can put a taboo on relationship between any of its emoloyees.


This is not accurate. Plenty of companies can ask employees not to date, especially subordinates. Not trying to thread jack or start an argument rubymoon. I just want ditched to have accurate information. Don't assume an office affair is permissible OP.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

Those who advice to bring husband's employer into this - are you serious?!?!?! So, say everything goes as hoped for - he gets in troubles and gets fired. Then he hates OP's guts for putting him through this and moves out and on with the OW, who will become his accomplice in crime - this will bring them even closer together. And the OP will be paying them spousal support for years or until he ex finds another job. 

Great plan!


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

Differentguy said:


> This is not accurate. Plenty of companies can ask employees not to date, especially subordinates. Not trying to thread jack or start an argument rubymoon. I just want ditched to have accurate information. Don't assume an office affair is permissible OP.


Doesn't really matter. Taking this domestic drama to his employer will bring absolutely no good! It will only make things worse and more expensive for OP.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

rubymoon said:


> Those who advice to bring husband's employer into this - are you serious?!?!?! So, say everything goes as hoped for - he gets in troubles and gets fired. Then he hates OP's guts for putting him through this and moves out and on with the OW, who will become his accomplice in crime - this will bring them even closer together. And the OP will be paying them spousal support for years or until he ex finds another job.
> 
> Great plan!


Again, not trying to thread jack. He is already treating d1tched with disrespect and is planning to divorce her to and live with AP. I'm not sure how your worst case ending is any different than what the husband is saying he wants.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

ditched said:


> UGH!! He is here! He dad and step father both told him that he needs to talk to a lawyer before he moves out even though I told him that I wouldn't prevent him from getting half! His family is acting as if I was the one who stabbed him in the back! He is the one who acted immorally, he is the one who committed adultery. It is utter BS that his family is acting like I'm trying to take sh*t away from him.
> 
> He is sleeping on the couch. He said he's going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow and if the lawyer says he can leave, then he'll leave. He's actually mad at me because I was mad that he came back!


Forgive me if I missed it but did your WS tell his family about the affair and if so, did he give a truthful account without blame shifting to you? Some WS's have been known to lie to their close friends and family in a confession, trying to make it look like they had "no other choice" but to have an affair. Then again, my MIL and I have not ever gotten along that well so any reason would be good enough for her son to cheat on me. In fact, she's never liked any woman he's ever been with so it wouldn't surprise me if MIL might even encourage my WS to cheat. She believes her son can do no wrong and even if something is wrong, she can find a way to justify it. I no longer care what my MIL says or does but there was a time....ugh. 

Families are weird. As irritating as it is, try not to let it bother you too much. If you don't have kids and are planning to divorce, hopefully before too long you'll never have to see or talk to his family again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

rubymoon said:


> *This is not accurate.* No company can put a taboo on relationship between any of its emoloyees. However, in the situation with a supervisor/professor, most companies would require to make the situation known to HR/management and to transfer one of the parties to another division/class to AVOID any potential problems not only between the two but other co-workers as well.
> 
> To have this as a leverage factor in divorce, OP would have to proof that their affair cause problems for the business or that they were having sex/intimacy during business hours or on the company's property.


I've been an HR Manager for 25 years. It is accurate.

IF, there is a supervisor/subordinate relationship that turns into a romantic one, most policies require the supervisor to disclose this immediately. IF, reported immediately, most policies will allow for that supervisory relationship to be removed, but that's not always possible without someone losing their position. 

However, if the supervisor fails to disclose it, they can be fired for the non-disclosure. I've been involved in a few of those (as an HR Manager).


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

Differentguy said:


> Again, not trying to thread jack. He is already treating d1tched with disrespect and is planning to divorce her to and live with AP. I'm not sure how your worst case ending is any different than what the husband is saying he wants.


SPOUSAL SUPPORT

$$$$$$

How else can I explain it?

OP will be shedding cash to her husband because he is unemployed. 

OP thinks her situation is horrible? Sure, try the same with some payments!

OP, you situation IS horrible, but it will be worse if you get hurt financially on top of what's been done to you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

When there are children it may worth exposing at work to kill the affair. You have no children, so your happiness is what matters. Since you have begun the 180, you may now be less willing to be the B plan wife. 

Turnera wondered if you could settle for half of the equity and move. You could tell your husband that one of you could value the house and leave the choice to stay or go up to the other. This method ensures a fair split if the communal wealth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

badmemory said:


> I've been an HR Manager for 25 years. It is accurate.
> 
> IF, there is a supervisor/subordinate relationship that turns into a romantic one, most policies require the supervisor to disclose this immediately. Most policies will allow for that supervisory relationship to be removed, but that's not always possible without someone losing their position.
> 
> However, if the supervisor fails to disclose it, they can be fired for the non-disclosure. I've been involved in a few of those (as an HR Manager).


Correct. I've worked for a $100 billion bank, top 20 in the country. Zero tolerance for supervisor/subordinate fraternization. All employees sign a code of conduct. Supervisors are prohibited from dating subordinates. I've seen manager and subordinate both escorted from the building after their extra marital affair came to light. So not all companies are the same.

Agree with the larger point - if you are 100% going toward divorce, don't shoot your self in the foot by forcing WS to lose his/her job. Could cost you in the long run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Again... Please find and talk to a lawyer before you have ANY conversations with him about how things should be split up. 

Although, as you've already discovered... Verbal agreements aren't worth the paper they're printed on. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

PBear said:


> Although, as you've already discovered... Verbal agreements aren't worth the paper they're printed on.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get all of my verbal agreements in writing


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> No he does not lose his rights to the house if he moves out. Where did he get that idea from?
> 
> Tell him no. He's already moved out.


Depending on the state, yes he does actually. It falls under abandonment. 

I got hit with it in my divorce. My ex was having an affair with my next door neigh (who we shared a driveway with and side doors were approx 20 feet apart, that's how close we lived). So before I had an attorney, I moved out into an apartment because I couldn't stand living that close. I felt like the filling in a cheaters oreo. My apartment was literally around the corner and was a month to month lease because I knew we were going to divorce.

Because I moved out (changed my mailing address) and she could prove (witnesses) that I didn't come home. I lost all rights to the property. The beauty was I DIDN'T lose my rights to the debt of the mortgage.....YEAH ME!!


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Both WS and I (and his xOW) work/ed for the same large government employer and co-workers dating is fine, direct supervisor and subordinate is a different story. However, at my place of employment, I've worked with two cheaters who left their spouses to marry each other long ago. Cheater 1 supervised cheater 2, everyone who worked near these people knew they were having an affair and eventually dating out in the open. They never tried hard to hide much and nothing was done to them regardless of HR and management being quite aware of the situation. That said, the management at the agency I work for is quite paranoid of being sued so not enforcing rules with some employees is never a surprise here. Also, the wife half of this couple actively tries to "recruit" others at work into their swinging lifestyle. So clearly their boundary issues haven't improved over the years either. I don't have a problem with swingers - to each his own - but trying to recruit at work is another story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Depending on the state, yes he does actually. It falls under abandonment.
> 
> Because I moved out (changed my mailing address) and she could prove (witnesses) that I didn't come home. I lost all rights to the property. The beauty was I DIDN'T lose my rights to the debt of the mortgage.....YEAH ME!!


Yep, one of the keys is establishing a new address and length of time. Had an argument in another thread about this very topic. It is why lawyers tell the spouse, cheater or not, to move back in immediately.


EleGirl said:


> No he does not lose his rights to the house if he moves out. Where did he get that idea from?
> 
> Tell him no. He's already moved out.


You are right that doesn't lose the equity "right", but he can lose the use and right to enter the house. Then he would have to petition to get back in.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

TryingToRecover said:


> Both WS and I (and his xOW) work/ed for the same large government employer and co-workers dating is fine, direct supervisor and subordinate is a different story. However, at my place of employment, I've worked with two cheaters who left their spouses to marry each other long ago. Cheater 1 supervised cheater 2, everyone who worked near these people knew they were having an affair and eventually dating out in the open. They never tried hard to hide much and nothing was done to them regardless of HR and management being quite aware of the situation. That said, the management at the agency I work for is quite paranoid of being sued so not enforcing rules with some employees is never a surprise here. Also, the wife half of this couple actively tries to "recruit" others at work into their swinging lifestyle. So clearly their boundary issues haven't improved over the years either. I don't have a problem with swingers - to each his own - but trying to recruit at work is another story.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is not good to eat and poop in the same place. If you get my drift. That is a WTF story!


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

Hi. Sorry for the silence. I thank everyone for all of their replies and advice. I have taken all of the advice to heart and have acted on basically everything suggested. I feel like I am at the point that I know all that I will ever know. I think my husband found this site and in the event he figures out my username I'm not going into details what I've done so far. I need to keep some details quiet until I am ready to let him know all that I know.

Basically, I want to file for divorce. I have spoken to a lawyer and everything is all set, I just have to give the final go ahead. What advice I am requesting is, the husband is WAY TOO eager to have me file. I feel like he and the OW are cooking up something to twist the knife further in my back. 

Please tell me...is there any way they can stick it to me further if I am the one to file? I feel like something is brewing and once again they will blindside me. 

The lawyer told me that since my husband and I are in agreement about how we want to split everything 50-50 and neither of us is going to fight anything that it should be a fairly straight forward divorce. 

I just need to know, can anything backfire on me if I am the one to file? The only thing I can think of is that I make more money than my husband and he might try for spousal support. My lawyer said that in the case of adultery I wouldn't have to pay him. Is that all? What else could my husband have up his sleeve? He has made it clear he wants to be with the OW and I am fine with that. He can have her. I want out anyways. I just need to know, what else can he do to me if I file? Please advise. Thank you.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Your lawyer could tell you better based on the law in your jurisdiction. But in mine, the person who files has more power going into court. Especially if you can prove grounds like adultery. 

A good lawyer will know which judges rule what way. If you get one they feel won't be good, you can withdrawal your petition ending the case, wait it out then re file and hope for a different judge.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, listen to your lawyer. But I've never heard anyone in all my years here get screwed over in a divorce because they filed first. I have, however, seen people gain the upper hand by doing so.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

ditched said:


> Basically, I want to file for divorce.


It's a sh!t test. He's testing you to see your resolve. Unless the lawyer says no, file first.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It's a sh!t test. He's testing you to see your resolve. Unless the lawyer says no, file first.


I agree with this. And, in his mind, using his twisted logic, he might be exonerated from any tiny shred of self-inflicted guilt or regret if you're the one to file. It's possible that he's framing it in his mind as the dissolution of the marriage being your fault if you are the one who files. Who knows, though, and unless your lawyer has deeper insight about a possible motive, who cares? 

Follow your lawyer's advise to the letter.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

turnera said:


> Yeah, listen to your lawyer. But I've never heard anyone in all my years here get screwed over in a divorce because they filed first. I have, however, seen people gain the upper hand by doing so.


I filed the D and filed a temporary motion which she either consented to or faced a judge and everything coming to daylight. Basically the motion set the terms on how the custody and financial would work until the divorce was finalized.

Do. Not. Fear. Him.

In my case it put my exwife on the defensive and took away all her control. Remember they fear the truth and hide in the shadows. They would rather consent than have to confront their actions and face the fire. These people are cowards, never forget this. 

I imagined all sorts of terrible things that could happen to me the whole time. None of it came true. 

At the time I thought the divorce decree would be so constricting. A few months later, now I see it as my saving grace. It gives me control over my life and freedom from the abuse. Trust your gut, trust your lawyer. God bless you during this terrible time. Commit to counseling for yourself, exercise, ask for help when you need it. People love you and care about you.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate the support and advice I've received. I filed for divorce this week. I thought I would be devastated, but so far I just feel like huge weight has been lifted.

I'm terribly saddened that my husband chose to have an affair, but I can't control his actions, I can only control mine.

Thank you again!


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## ditched (Jul 26, 2014)

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate the support and advice I've received. I filed for divorce this week. I thought I would be devastated, but so far I just feel like huge weight has been lifted.

I'm terribly saddened that my husband chose to have an affair, but I can't control his actions, I can only control mine.

Thank you again!


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## darkdays (Jul 31, 2013)

ditched said:


> Thank you everyone for your advice. It's just really hard for me to let him go. I know he has to see what life is like without me. I get it.
> 
> We grew up together and have been inseparable since I was 16. He is the nicest person I've ever known. I have never been so disappointed in someone in my life. The OW has been with her husband for 20+ years and their children are 4 and 6. I'm just so shocked she would walk away from them.
> 
> ...


make sure the POS womans husband knows for sure what she is up to. 

Sorry for what happened to your family it is such a shame. I think I would be in the same place if the OM had taken it physical or gotten all romantic.

These fools live in a fantasy world and don't see whats right in front of them. I wish you nothing but happiness in your future.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

ditched said:


> We grew up together and have been inseparable since I was 16. He is the nicest person I've ever known. I have never been so disappointed in someone in my life.


It was the same for me and my stbxw. High school sweet hearts, inseperable. Dday for me was May, after a few months the disappointment wears off.



ditched said:


> I understand that he made his bed, now he has to lie in it. Still I can't help but worry for when he wakes up and realizes what he did and what he lost. The honeymoon feeling will end eventually, I know.
> 
> I just never ever thought he would do this. He's always had my back and best interest. I don't know if the pain will ever go away.


These exact thoughts were in my mind as well. The pain won't last forever. I still feel it but the pain is not as strong now. I can see a day where I won't feel the pain.
You need to get to a place where you won't care what happens to him when that honeymoon feeling wears off. Don't count on it for satisfaction. 

It's hard but keep trying to move forward, even when you don't feel like it. Take consolation in knowing that you are not alone in this.


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