# Resentful husband



## she41 (May 2, 2012)

Hi all,

new here, this is my first post. I just spent about an hour reading through the forum, and I must say I already feel somewhat better--it seems like marriage is hard for a lot of people.

I didn't know which section to post under, so I thought I'd post under "general", and let the veteran members guide me.

Married since 1994, three beautiful, healthy children. Both hubby and I have had some issues with alcohol. Those issues created a lot of problems for us, including infidelity on my part. As far as I know, he's been faithful, except for --he says-- one platonic relationship with a female co-worker.


Over the past almost ten years, we've both been mostly sober. We've both been members of AA, and are highly functioning, responsible adults and attentive parents to our kids.

He has been a member of AA for 5 years. Before that, he spent 4 years as a "dry drunk". I've been a member of AA for 9 years, but not continuously. I had a few slips, but usually went straight back to my support group.

Right now, I am struggling with being a good AA member. I am not drinking, and I am functioning well, but i am not great about going to my meetings, and am currently sponsorless. This is working for me right now--I feel less stressed and pressured, but it's not working for him. He lets me know that he is not in favor of me not being a very active member of AA.

He's very passive-aggressive. It's mostly the cold-shoulder-treatment. There seems to be a constant silent anger brewing in him. He flips out fast and hard at minor mishaps (literally over spilled milk). There's usually some yelling, bad language and the kids get very stressed out.

I feel very lonely and unloved at times. It seems like I am doing everything I can do be the functioning adult partner he needs me to be, but it's just never enough.

Sex? No sex. Some intimacy, we usually snuggle up in the middle of the night. He doesn't really come to bed until after I'm long asleep.

I think this is enough for now. Please, if anyone has any feedback, share.

Thanks in advance!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I personally have not had any dealings with AA... however, I think if you going to AA meetings will help him keeping on track with not drinking,... then that would be worth it.

You both admit to straying in the past 18 years.. He with an EA (emotional affair), and you with PA (physical affair). I assume that you both feel like you can blame the disconnect & the cheating on "drinking problem". Please don't do that. Admit to the fact that you both did not reach out to each other when you needed stronger emotional support. 

Talk to each other in those late night cuddles... talk about filling each others emotional needs... Talk about what you could do better for him... Most likely he will fall in & start talking about things he could do better for you.. Keep doing small "connecting" talks over several weeks.

Then I'd say, you both need to come to a decision if you need marriage counseling or not. Learning how to deal with the feelings one gets over a wayward spouse is a must. Yes, things will get better.. but they will also get worse again. If you want to commit to being together when you are both old.. then you need to know how to deal with the bad times. The times that you start thinking about the other's cheating & start resenting... The times that you start thinking about your own cheating & "want that feeling" again.

Conversation is the key. It doesn't sound like the conversation is completely broken down yet,.. so, with the right attitude & commitment, I'd say you've got a good shot at making the best of the rest of your marriage.

Good Luck.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I would guess he has a lot of resentment built up, especially about your PA and I would guess that if your not fully participating in AA that he has a somewhat valid concern that it could happen again.

I disagree with Chelle about waiting to try and figure out if you want marriage counseling (MC). I think the two of you should get into MC as soon as you can before this gets too much deeper


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You both need to figure out what you want first. If you feel the marriage is worth trying to save save, then seek some MC. If either one or both of you feel its pointless and to much damage has been done, then there is no need to waste someone else's time if you're heart isn't in it. JMO.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you tried counseling, while you're not wanting AA? 

Regarding your marriage, I'd start with reading the book His Needs Her Needs, by Harley. It's a good overview of how a healthy marriage looks and how to get it. See if he'll read it with you.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Usually with the anger and quickness to lash out at minor things means theres something that needs to be addressed or worked out thats constantly on his mind. There was a time when I was severely depressed about things and didnt have any support from the wife in terms of giving a sh!t what might be wrong. Most the times she seemed unapproachable so I just left it alone, and dealt with it on my own. Not very well mind you.


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