# No sex in almost a year!



## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

I am 29yrs old and my H is 28. We have been together for 12yrs and have been married for 2yrs. We have two boys together. We met in high school. Well the problem is that I have not been in any mood to have sex. I'm scared because I have read on threads here that many or most men say that sex is very important in the relationship. I think the problem is that I no longer find him attractive I feel so bad because he is an excellent husband and father. Please can anyone give me any advice.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Are you getting any push back from him? Is he complaining, etc...? If not, what do you think the chances are that he's already replaced you sexually? If he is, how do you respond?


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

He doesn't complain everyday. Once like every two months or so he asks me when we are gonna have sex. As for responding I have no clue. I mean I think I wouldn't be too angry since its my fault there isn't any sex. Ugh I'm so confused!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> I am 29yrs old and my H is 28. We have been together for 12yrs and have been married for 2yrs. We have two boys together. We met in high school. Well the problem is that I have not been in any mood to have sex. I'm scared because I have read on threads here that many or most men say that sex is very important in the relationship. I think the problem is that I no longer find him attractive I feel so bad because he is an excellent husband and father. Please can anyone give me any advice.


Have you asked yourself why you no longer find him attractive? 

Are these things within his ability to control?

Are these things that have changed that you now suddenly don't find attractive?

Yes, sex is very important to a man and he is right in the prime of his sexual years. It is important to help build and maintain an emotional connection. He can eventually disconnect from you without it. Question is, does he miss it? How important it is is very different from person to person ... but a year is a long time for almost all men (coming from a man who once went over 3 and a half years without it ... it slowly eroded away my connection as well as my self-esteem).


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> He doesn't complain everyday. Once like every two months or so he asks me when we are gonna have sex. As for responding I have no clue. I mean I think I wouldn't be too angry since its my fault there isn't any sex. Ugh I'm so confused!


I meant how do you respond when he asks?


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I meant how do you respond when he asks?


Oh. I just say no I'm sorry or I just ignore him


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

No sex in a year? If no sex for 4 days I get pissed off and demand it. At least a footjob or handjob would do.

He sounds too nice and is allowing your abuse to happen. He will eventually cheat on you or just divorce you if sex is important to him.


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

If he is not looking for sex after this long... then he may be doing something else to stay sane... I don't think that he will be waiting for that long without sex.. Do you know of anything that he does? Do you actually want to have sex? I mean with someone else? 
It can be one of those strange things, but he may be ok without sex too.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Why do you stay? Do you have a job? What exactly do you bring to the marriage? Does he have a job? What does he bring to the marriage?

To tell you the truth, I'd be surprised if he's actually going without sex. He's likely emotionally detached from you and meeting his needs in some other way. Does that matter to you? Or are you basically done?


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> If he is not looking for sex after this long... then he may be doing something else to stay sane... I don't think that he will be waiting for that long without sex.. Do you know of anything that he does? Do you actually want to have sex? I mean with someone else?
> It can be one of those strange things, but he may be ok without sex too.


He does masturbate because he can't go without anything.


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

Chicago Gal said:


> He does masturbate because he can't go without anything.


It seems that he is ok with that then.... but are you ok with continue like this?

Are you looking for advice or validation about leaving him? Is that what you think is the best for both of you? I mean since you don't feel attracted to him.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Why do you stay? Do you have a job? What exactly do you bring to the marriage? Does he have a job? What does he bring to the marriage?
> 
> To tell you the truth, I'd be surprised if he's actually going without sex. He's likely emotionally detached from you and meeting his needs in some other way. Does that matter to you? Or are you basically done?


I stay I believe because I think we do have a chance if I can overcome this sex thing. I used to work and I miss it so much. When we had kids we made the decision that I would be a stay at home mom until our youngest started school, which thankfully is this year. I can't imagine sitting at home without having anything to do. I clean,cook and have this family on a schedule but that's it.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> It seems that he is ok with that then.... but are you ok with continue like this?
> 
> Are you looking for advice or validation about leaving him? Is that what you think is the best for both of you? I mean since you don't feel attracted to him.


I guess the reason I posted this was because I don't know what to do. I don't want to turn him down every time. I'm pretty sure that hurts him and I don't want to hurt him.


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

Chicago Gal said:


> I stay I believe because I think we do have a chance if I can overcome this sex thing. I used to work and I miss it so much. When we had kids we made the decision that I would be a stay at home mom until our youngest started school, which thankfully is this year. I can't imagine sitting at home without having anything to do. I clean,cook and have this family on a schedule but that's it.


I dont think that things are going to get better since you are not feeling ok with just being at home. You may need to get a job and get out so that you feel happier and then maybe something changes.

I am in a similar situation where the attraction is gone and it is difficult to get things going. I have tried.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you been to a doctor to see if the loss of libido is due to low hormones or other health issues? It's an important thing to do.

This might seem like an odd question but there is a reason for it. How much time do the two of you spend together weekly, doing things that the two of you enjoy, just the two of y ou alone?


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

Chicago Gal said:


> I guess the reason I posted this was because I don't know what to do. I don't want to turn him down every time. I'm pretty sure that hurts him and I don't want to hurt him.


Are you able to talk to him openly about anything? what about if you both go to a sex therapist or something similar? 

What you don't find him attractive? has he put on weight?


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Have you been to a doctor to see if the loss of libido is due to low hormones or other health issues? It's an important thing to do.
> 
> This might seem like an odd question but there is a reason for it. How much time do the two of you spend together weekly, doing things that the two of you enjoy, just the two of y ou alone?


I do take birth control pills and Zoloft for anxieties. We don't do anything together alone. We always have our boys. It seems like we never have the time. He works about an hour away from our home so the commute is extremely time consuming and by the time he comes home he is tired and I'm stressed and running on fumes from being at home all day everyday.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> I dont think that things are going to get better since you are not feeling ok with just being at home. You may need to get a job and get out so that you feel happier and then maybe something changes.
> 
> I am in a similar situation where the attraction is gone and it is difficult to get things going. I have tried.


When and how long have you felt that way towards your husband? As in not feeling the attraction.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

You seem to be avoiding the question about why you are no longer attracted to him.


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

Chicago Gal said:


> When and how long have you felt that way towards your husband? As in not feeling the attraction.




The name can be confusing. I am actually a man and I feel like that about my wife. It has been like that for awhile.. we had other issues, but i think that both of us are not attracted to each other anymore. 
I do masturbate like your husband and sometimes I prefer that than being with her or ask her for sex. It is a sad situation, but it is the current state for us.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> Are you able to talk to him openly about anything? what about if you both go to a sex therapist or something similar?
> 
> What you don't find him attractive? has he put on weight?


No he has actually lost weight. 50lbs! He is a good man but I think we have just reached the end. When we argue he tells me to go find another man. He says really mean things just to get me angry and to get a reaction like he used to get out of me. But now thanks to the Zoloft I'm way to mellow for all of that. Plus ill be 30 this year. I think we should be grown ups and not argue and scream or insult each other. He doesn't get it.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> You seem to be avoiding the question about why you are no longer attracted to him.


Oh I'm sorry I lose track of the thread. I'm no longer attracted to him because of the way he speaks to me when he is angry. He has called me a **** and tells me to find another man. He has asked me who I'm ****ing cause its obviously not him.. That's just mean and hurtful.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> The name can be confusing. I am actually a man and I feel like that about my wife. It has been like that for awhile.. we had other issues, but i think that both of us are not attracted to each other anymore.
> I do masturbate like your husband and sometimes I prefer that than being with her or ask her for sex. It is a sad situation, but it is the current state for us.


Oh I'm sorry. It sucks that we are in marriages like this. But I'm the one not giving it up and you are on the other side. How does it make u feel when your wife says no to sex?


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Im sure he is very angry with you about refusing sex for a year!

Don't YOU miss it? Are you having an affair?


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

Chicago Gal said:


> No he has actually lost weight. 50lbs! He is a good man but I think we have just reached the end. When we argue he tells me to go find another man. He says really mean things just to get me angry and to get a reaction like he used to get out of me. But now thanks to the Zoloft I'm way to mellow for all of that. Plus ill be 30 this year. I think we should be grown ups and not argue and scream or insult each other. He doesn't get it.


The last part of your post is exactly how I feel. I don't want to participate in this useless arguments, but someone she does not get it. I tried for a long time to find solutions and explain over and over, but I don't waste my time anymore. I don't see how it will ever help to try to get her understand what both of us are responsible for our marriage.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> Oh I'm sorry I lose track of the thread. I'm no longer attracted to him because of the way he speaks to me when he is angry. He has called me a **** and tells me to find another man. He has asked me who I'm ****ing cause its obviously not him.. That's just mean and hurtful.


Those sound like things he has said AFTER you stopped intimacy and are expressions of anger about it. Something must have been happening before his complaining about lack of intimacy.


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

Chicago Gal said:


> Oh I'm sorry. It sucks that we are in marriages like this. But I'm the one not giving it up and you are on the other side. How does it make u feel when your wife says no to sex?


It bothered me at the beginning, but after a while I just stop asking and found other ways to take care of my needs. I did get a little addicted to stuff on the internet, but that phase also finished.. I was trying to find a way to feel better without actually finding someone else in real life.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> Im sure he is very angry with you about refusing sex for a year!
> 
> Don't YOU miss it? Are you having an affair?


No affair. No plans on it either. I just started to feel horny again because my birth control has changed to the low dose but still I don't want to have sex with him because I think I'm holding on to all the mean stuff he says. I masturbated quite frequently but even that has stopped now.


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> Those sound like things he has said AFTER you stopped intimacy and are expressions of anger about it. Something must have been happening before his complaining about lack of intimacy.


There is not excuse to say those things.. before or after the sex stops. There are many reasons why this can happened, but nobody has the right to insult the other person like that.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

When I see sex seems in movies it arouses me but I can't hold on long enough to that feeling to make something happen with my husband.


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

Chicago Gal said:


> When I see sex seems in movies it arouses me but I can't hold on long enough to that feeling to make something happen with my husband.


I know what you mean. It is tough to actually switch from those feeling from movies to your spouse if you don't really feel any attraction.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> There is not excuse to say those things.. before or after the sex stops. There are many reasons why this can happened, but nobody has the right to insult the other person like that.


Agreed its verbal abuse..but it happens..some people actually get hot after fights.....not that that is a good thing...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chicago Gal said:


> I do take birth control pills and Zoloft for anxieties.


 Well right there are things you can change that could fix the issue. When a person loses their libido, they find their partner unattractive sexually. If you get your libido back, you will find him attractive again.

Birth control pills are known for killing a woman’s libido.

Zoloft, Prozac, Celexa and Paxil are all SSRIs and often lower libido. SSRIs stimulate certain serotonin receptors that can cause a decrease in dopamine and norepinephrine in an area of the brain, which can have an effect on libido.

Depression and anxiety can also cause lowered libido.

One thing you can ask your doctor about is if you can change to Wellbutrin. It not only will not decrease the libido, it often will increase the libido.

So see a doctor, have your hormone levels check and see if you can get off medications that are most likey a big factor in killing your libido.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Well right there are things you can change that could fix the issue. When a person loses their libido, they find their partner unattractive sexually. If you get your libido back, you will find him attractive again.
> 
> Birth control pills are known for killing a woman’s libido.
> 
> ...


Oh wow really? I didn't know Zoloft did that. I'm definitely gonna talk to my dr. I want to make sure I give this marriage a chance. Thanks for your help


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Well right there are things you can change that could fix the issue. When a person loses their libido, they find their partner unattractive sexually. If you get your libido back, you will find him attractive again.
> 
> Birth control pills are known for killing a woman’s libido.
> 
> ...


Change medicines may help, but what about the abuse? that is though to forgive, even when you try. I think if they want to fix the situation you need a commitment from both of them and he needs to find a way to change his abusive behavior.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Definitely check out the links in Ele's signature. They are about creating or bringing back romantic love, which will do wonders for a low drive. Or at least (hopefully) spur you to working on your low libido. 

It sounds like you both have some behaviors that drain the love, making it difficult to work up sexual attraction to your husband. If he stopped the angry words and you made an effort to meet his sexual needs, your drive might increase.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> Oh I'm sorry I lose track of the thread. I'm no longer attracted to him because of the way he speaks to me when he is angry. He has called me a **** and tells me to find another man. He has asked me who I'm ****ing cause its obviously not him.. That's just mean and hurtful.


Well, he is certainly in the wrong for letting go of his temper like that but he is certainly angry and resentful about not having sex. That is a big problem and could end the marriage. He isn't ok with it at all.

This is a chicken or the egg thing.

Unless he has always spoken to you this way, you were not attracted to him for another reason. It is unlikely you just stopped one day, so the sex had to become less frequent over time until it stopped ... so this has been going on for a long time. This led to you withholding sex and that led him to eventually become angry and resentful. His anger and resentment and how he expresses it seems to further solidify your lack of attraction for him. You haven't been bonding so your connection is very weak.

Did he lose the weight because you stopped having sex with him? Is he trying to win you back?


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Well, he is certainly in the wrong for letting go of his temper like that but he is certainly angry and resentful about not having sex. That is a big problem and could end the marriage. He isn't ok with it at all.
> 
> This is a chicken or the egg thing.
> 
> ...


No he lost the weight because he wants to be in our boys lives for a long time. He lets me know he still finds me attractive. Which I can tell when I walk in the room after getting out the shower.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chicago Gal said:


> Oh I'm sorry I lose track of the thread. I'm no longer attracted to him because of the way he speaks to me when he is angry. He has called me a **** and tells me to find another man. He has asked me who I'm ****ing cause its obviously not him.. That's just mean and hurtful.


You know what? Yes he probably does should not yell. But you are doing serious emotional abuse of him every day for at least the last year, and you want him to be an angel about it? Withhold sex is basically withhold love and affection from your husband. It's extremely cruel. I guess you have not had this done to you before? You have most likely completely killed your husband's self-esteem. He most likely feels like he’s the most undesirable person alive. Every night when you are in bed next to him and refusing him sex for a year, you may as well be screaming at him that he’s a despicable, undesirable, scab. I’ve had a husband do this to me. It’s horrible, painful emotional abuse. 

Your husband does have every right to wonder who you are having sex with since you are not having it with him. For the last year you have cared so little about him and your relationship that you have not even addressed it head on. Have you discussed this with your doctor? Did you have your hormones checked? How much research have you done on loss of libido? Instead of looking at yourself and why YOU have lost your libido, your response is to kind of blame it on him. You have lost attraction to him.. Meaning there is something wrong with him. How much effort and time have you given to wondering about what is going on with yourself that you have lost your libido. It has little to do with your husband. 

Here’s a guy who is going to work every day to give you the gift of spending a few years home with your children and you repay him by shutting him out emotionally and stomping on his heart, ego and everything else about him.

That’s one more very strong message to him that you strongly dislike him and find him repulsive. And gee he yells once in a while.

So he loses it sometimes over your constant, harsh rejection of him. What do you expect him to do? Act like a saint while you rip his heart out? If he has not cheated on you or not walked out on you, you are lucky so far. He will eventually do one or both of these eventually. Most people cannot tolerate years of this kind of emotional abuse.

I divorced my husband largely over this. The pain was more than I could take. And yes I did yell at him a few times because instead of actually addressing the issue, talking about it, going to a doc, etc he would just avoid me or look at me like he had no clue what I was upset about. 

Your marriage is basically over unless you realize how abusive you are being and do something about it pretty quick.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> Change medicines may help, but what about the abuse? that is though to forgive, even when you try. I think if they want to fix the situation you need a commitment from both of them and he needs to find a way to change his abusive behavior.


What about her abuse of him? Rejecting him sexually for a year might be very hard for him to forgive as well. Maybe the two should call it even and work on fixing things.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> No he lost the weight because he wants to be in our boys lives for a long time. He lets me know he still finds me attractive. Which I can tell when I walk in the room after getting out the shower.


Ha! Well I assumed he still found you attractive or he might not be so angry and resentful that you don't want to have sex with him. If your avatar is you then yes, you are attractive. 

You haven't told him you don't find him attractive. You just shrug off his questions about it. I am sure his self-esteem is taking a beating in this regard. He has this attractive wife who doesn't want to have sex with him and hasn't had sex with him in a LONG time. For men, sex is a lot about respect. You don't have sex with him and therefore you must not respect him. I'm sure that thought or feeling has gone through his mind once or twice or fifty times. 

Seems like you have a lot of options to fix this. One would be the suggestion offered previously of checking your meds.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Completely agree EleGirl. What she's doing is emotional abuse. No question about it. And to think he'll just act like everything is peaches and cream is extremely naive, or denial. She is causing, and continues to cause some pretty serious pain.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You know what? Yes he probably does should not yell. But you are doing serious emotional abuse of him every day for at least the last year, and you want him to be an angel about it? Withhold sex is basically withhold love and affection from your husband. It's extremely cruel. I guess you have not had this done to you before? You have most likely completely killed your husband's self-esteem. He most likely feels like he’s the most undesirable person alive. Every night when you are in bed next to him and refusing him sex for a year, you may as well be screaming at him that he’s a despicable, undesirable, scab. I’ve had a husband do this to me. It’s horrible, painful emotional abuse.
> 
> Your husband does have every right to wonder who you are having sex with since you are not having it with him. For the last year you have cared so little about him and your relationship that you have not even addressed it head on. Have you discussed this with your doctor? Did you have your hormones checked? How much research have you done on loss of libido? Instead of looking at yourself and why YOU have lost your libido, your response is to kind of blame it on him. You have lost attraction to him.. Meaning there is something wrong with him. How much effort and time have you given to wondering about what is going on with yourself that you have lost your libido. It has little to do with your husband.
> 
> ...


That's why I think I should leave. Because I'm sure I am hurting him and I don't want to do that. Also the repaying him comment made me realize that I don't need to repay him for anything. I gave birth to the boys and yes we both agreed on me staying home but I should have mentioned that when we had our first child he was not living with us. I went to school and work to support myself and our son.


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What about her abuse of him? Rejecting him sexually for a year might be very hard for him to forgive as well. Maybe the two should call it even and work on fixing things.


what??

I am a man.. and I can tell you that I will never take that as been abused. If she is mean and ugly when she says No, then we are talking about abuse otherwise you can not take that as abused. He should have tried to talk her about the situation and find help.. you don't just get angry and insult people... pleaseeeee!!


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Im really read the women here state that refusing sex without explanation and work on the relationship DOES amount to emotional abuse.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

When I say no to sex I do tell him I'm sorry and we talk about what can be the problem and we both know it's because things that we both do wrong. I don't and didn't want you guys to think this is one sided. But that's exactly why I posted this. Should I leave or not? Am I causing him extreme pain? This man was the first and only man I have only had sex with so to deny it now it does break my heart.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chicago Gal said:


> We don't do anything together alone. We always have our boys. It seems like we never have the time. He works about an hour away from our home so the commute is extremely time consuming and by the time he comes home he is tired and I'm stressed and running on fumes from being at home all day everyday.


Now, back to solutions….

The above is the other half of the problem. You BOTH have let your marriage go. You no longer have a strong emotional connection with him. 

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you, doing date like things. Now this can be going for walks, cuddling and talking after the children are in bed, dinner date sometimes. Watching TV and movies do not really count because you are focused on the show, not on each other.

Couples often get this time by spending 1-2 hours together after work on week days.. after the children are in bed. Then longer times together on weekends.

With some planning and imagination you can pull this off.

Both of you are not meeting each others needs and you are not spending enough time together. The book “His Needs, Her Needs” is a good guide on how to restructure your relationship so that you are meeting each other’s needs. Once you do this, and you fix the medical issues affecting your libido you both will find the passion return to your relationship.

The issues you are dealing with are 100% fixable.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

You've got a lot going on here. Before giving up on your marriage, let's start by looking at a few facts :

1) He speaks in a disrespectful manner, which you find unnatractive. 

I put this first because it needs to be addressed right away. You are going to need to address this by letting him know that you deserve respect and love. My wife says that I get cranky when I go without sex for any length of time. While I can empathize with him I have never said anything outright rude or demeaning to my wife. If he's always been loving and respectful in the past then you need to realize that while his behaviour isn't excusable, he may be feeling out of control and reacting to this situation. If he's always been a jerk, then you have a different problem and your marriage may not be salvageable.

2) Your libido may be artificially depressed. A documented side effect of Zoloft is a lack of interest in sex (see Zoloft Sexual Side Effects). In addition, you are on hormonal birth control which also is known to cause a loss of sex drive. There's a recent thread here on TAM disussing this (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/68854-pill-vs-sex-drive.html). 

You might find it useful to consult with your doctors about your doses. My wife is one of the unlucky few women who's libido disappeared on hormonal birth control. It caused a lot of stress in our marriage. We went round and round with her OB/GYN trying different doses and types of birth control. When we got off of birth control altogether her sex drive finally came back. If you can use another form of birth control, it might be worth trying it.

3) When your husband tries to communicate with you about sex, you brush him off.

My wife did the exact same thing. She didn't understand why her libido was gone, felt awkward talking about it, and would rather avoid the subject than address it. At one point she told me, literally, "If we never have sex again, that would be okay with me." She didn't understand that the physical drive for orgasm could be met with masturbation, but my need and hunger for intimacy with my wife isn't about having orgasms. It is about so much more, including emotional intimacy. I was frustrated and felt powerless to do anything about it because she didn't want to talk about it. In the end we both had to own the problem, and make a commitment to talk about it, understand it, and to actively look for solutions. 

4) You're both exhausted at the end of the day. You have no time or energy for sex.

Until sex is a priority in your marriage, this problem will never get any better. I know that it's difficult to even think about sex when you're running on fumes, but you need to own this problem because no one else can or will. In my humble experience actions follow intent. Create opportunities for sex and be willing to let it happen. 

You need to find ways to function as a couple even though you have kids. Call him during the day just to say hi. Spend time unwinding together at the end of the day. Find a way to have date nights. Hold hands when you can.

My wife used to have to concentrate really hard to become aroused enough to have sex. That was a huge stress for both of us. We learned that with love we could work through the times when she wasn't feeling it but I needed that intimate connection to her. We discovered that the more effort we put into connecting intimately, the more easily aroused she became and the more she enjoyed sex. 

I wish you all the best,


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> Change medicines may help, but what about the abuse? that is though to forgive, even when you try. I think if they want to fix the situation you need a commitment from both of them and he needs to find a way to change his abusive behavior.


I have to agree with ellegirl on this one. The "abuse" that she mentions is a comment made out of anger and resentment of her withholding sex. You know, if you go through a marriage without losing your temper a few times and saying something snarkey, there is something wrong with your marriage. That is not abuse, that is human emotion. Now, if he constantly berated her or tore her down, that would be emotional/verbal abuse. If he hit her when he lost his temper then that would be physical abuse. I have a hard time equating what he is saying with emotional/verbal abuse.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Dear god how can anyone who is married go a year with no sex? How?
I just dont get it. 
OP, if your hubs can do something to re-kindle your attraction to him, TELL HIM. 
If not, well i reckon its Dee time. You made a deal with him when you married him to be his life-long mate, if you cant honor that deal, pony up and move on. Let him move on. Maybe yall both will find someone who wants you. 
But i can say with absolute certainty that i wouldnt go a year without sex with my wife. Nu uh no way. After our second child was born we had to wait 5 weeks for PIV, and it was horrid. I cant even FATHOM getting anywhere near a year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

My husband has never hit me and he only says mean things when we argue. I said I didn't want to talk like that because its pointless and we are almost 30. I have told him to stop and he says he will but every time we argue he continues saying nasty things.


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I have to agree with ellegirl on this one. The "abuse" that she mentions is a comment made out of anger and resentment of her withholding sex. You know, if you go through a marriage without losing your temper a few times and saying something snarkey, there is something wrong with your marriage. That is not abuse, that is human emotion. Now, if he constantly berated her or tore her down, that would be emotional/verbal abuse. If he hit her when he lost his temper then that would be physical abuse. I have a hard time equating what he is saying with emotional/verbal abuse.


Really!! Come on...

She does not give him sex.. she is abusing him...
He is ugly and insult her, etc.. and that is not emotion or verbal abuse.. wow..

I learned something today..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chicago Gal said:


> When I say no to sex I do tell him I'm sorry and we talk about what can be the problem and we both know it's because things that we both do wrong. I don't and didn't want you guys to think this is one sided. But that's exactly why I posted this. Should I leave or not? Am I causing him extreme pain? This man was the first and only man I have only had sex with so to deny it now it does break my heart.


You are most likely causing him extreme pain. Why not just ask him? Ask him how it feels. Maybe he will be truthful with you. Or maybe he will be too humiliated to tell you how totally distroyed he feels. I don't know.

But you see, if he still loves you, you leaving will cause him a lot of pain too. So that will be added to the other pain that is already being caused.

If you leave your children will hurt in many ways as well. 

This can be fixed. I gave you the things to do to get on your way to fixing it. So many couples just give up when there is no need to. In marriage, feelings for each other ebb and flow. You are just in a stage right now. You have the tools and the power to get out of this rut and fix your marriage.

So my advise is to do the work to fix it. Your children need their parents to be a strong foundation for their family.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

naga75 said:


> Dear god how can anyone who is married go a year with no sex? How?
> I just dont get it.
> OP, if your hubs can do something to re-kindle your attraction to him, TELL HIM.
> If not, well i reckon its Dee time. You made a deal with him when you married him to be his life-long mate, if you cant honor that deal, pony up and move on. Let him move on. Maybe yall both will find someone who wants you.
> ...


Uhmm, I went 3.5 years without sex with my wife. I got by with a lot of really long showers  It ended with a separation, although that had more to do with other issues. We are now back together and guess what ... no sex ... maybe 3 times last year and once this year in early january that you could barely call sex. I am a reasonably attractive and very fit guy. She has been LD our entire marriage and now she weighs so much I am not attracted to her at all (>= 330lbs). Neither of us initiate so we don't have sex.


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You are most likely causing him extreme pain. Why not just ask him? Ask him how it feels. Maybe he will be truthful with you. Or maybe he will be too humiliated to tell you how totally distroyed he feels. I don't know.
> 
> But you see, if he still loves you, you leaving will cause him a lot of pain too. So that will be added to the other pain that is already being caused.
> 
> ...


where do you people get "Extreme pain"? I don't think that he was asking for sex all the time.. was he?
I think she posted so that we can get some advice.. I saw a few great post, but to turn it around and make her feel like she is abusing him.. I think it is too much.. Just my opinion..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> Really!! Come on...
> 
> She does not give him sex.. she is abusing him...
> He is ugly and insult her, etc.. and that is not emotion or verbal abuse.. wow..
> ...


First off he is not here to defend himself. She says that he has said some things to here that she thinks are mean. For example he's asked who she is having sex with. Since she is not having sex with him.. that's a very reasonable thing for him to ask.

More detail is needed to know if what he is doing is actually abuse or only an occassional blow up out of frustration. Even the best of people can blow up verbally when they are at their wit's end.

We do know that she rejects him sexully and has chosen to force him into a sexless marriage. This is emotional abuse.

So even if he is being abusive... well so is she. And he has every right to be very upset with her for what she is doing.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

Well I'm definitely gonna try and fix my marriage because I do love him and I know he loves me. What man stays in a marriage with no sex? That's pretty patient. Thanks everyone for the honest and great advice.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> Really!! Come on...
> 
> She does not give him sex.. she is abusing him...
> He is ugly and insult her, etc.. and that is not emotion or verbal abuse.. wow..
> ...


No it isn't. I've been married over 20 years and we rarely fight but when we do, some things are said. That is normal. That is not constantly tearing down a person. That is normal human emotion. 

No, her rejection of him over that long of a period of time has an effect on a man's self-esteem. It hasn't just been a year. She had to have slowed things down over a long period before stopping altogether. It is no wonder he is angry and resentful. Elle made the point that it equates to emotional abuse. What did I say ... if you constantly tear a person down that is emotional abuse. What do you think her rejection of him is over that long a period of time. I've gone 3.5 years at one point ... I know exactly how it feels. It tore me down.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Chronic rejection = emotional abuse. Just because some men can withstand it doesn't make it less abusive.


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Chronic rejection = emotional abuse. Just because some men can withstand it doesn't make it less abusive.


Constant insults every time we argue = I am just angry.. is ok!

Like I said.. I learned something today!

:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> where do you people get "Extreme pain"? I think she posted so that we can get some advice.. I saw a few great post, but to turn it around and make her feel like she is abusing him.. I think it is too much.. Just my opinion..


I posted that because of something the OP wrote that said he was abusive becuase he was reacting to her complete rejection of him. She seemed to have no clue of how cruel she is being to him. She seemed to have no clue of how abusive her own behavior is. Instead she seemed to only see that his reaction to her dishing out a year of emotional abuse was wrong. Many people are not introseptive enough to see their own flaws and the harm they do. 

My post is called tough love.

I get the expreme emotional pain from a few sources.

One if from my own life with a husband who did exactly the same thing to me. I can tell you that it was so emotionally painful that I had to leave the marriage. I would spend nights crying for the wish that someone would hold me, someone would love me. Why? Because my own husband, the man who I promissed to be faithful to did not want to have anything to do with me. 

I also get it from others who have posted here who have gone through this same thing... to be rejected for months, years by their spouse. They too talk about how they are left with no self esteme and ripped apart. They too feel abused.

I have also read a lot about it. It's considered abuse. Often passive agressive people use withholding sex as a tool to control their partner or to punish them. There is a lot of material out there on this topic.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If you lock a dog in a cage and poke it with a stick that is abusive. If the dog lashes out at you and bites you when you open the cage door is that abusive or reactive?


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I posted that because of something the OP wrote that said he was abusive becuase he was reacting to her complete rejection of him. She seemed to have no clue of how cruel she is being to him. She seemed to have no clue of how abusive her own behavior is. Instead she seemed to only see that his reaction to her dishing out a year of emotional abuse was wrong. Many people are not introseptive enough to see their own flaws and the harm they do.
> 
> My post is called tough love.
> 
> ...


I understand that you can feel abused if you want sex and you don't get it and you feel rejected, but to say that insults are not emotional/verbal abuse is wrong. So many people get this type of abuse constantly and we can not just ignore it...

I do like most of your advice.. I think you write very well.. I enjoy it .. I may not agree with everything, but I enjoy reading your posts.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If you lock a dog in a cage and poke it with a stick that is abusive. If the dog lashes out at you and bites you when you open the cage door is that abusive or reactive?


I don't provoke him. Provoking would be if I walked around in a thong or start something and not finish it. When I'm at home I wear yoga pants and a tshirt.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

naga75 said:


> Dear god how can anyone who is married go a year with no sex? How?
> I just dont get it.
> OP, if your hubs can do something to re-kindle your attraction to him, TELL HIM.
> If not, well i reckon its Dee time. You made a deal with him when you married him to be his life-long mate, if you cant honor that deal, pony up and move on. Let him move on. Maybe yall both will find someone who wants you.
> ...


I did...and I survived.

To the OP you want the other side.
I have been in a 3.5 year "sexless" marriage... out of 19 total.

I have accepted it yet still yearn for it to turn sexual again. I went through a phase of complaining about it and likely said some "hurtful" things to my wife only after extreme sexlessness. Even with that she has told me she sees my side of things and promises to change. We are getting better and did have sex this year already but I do want normalcy... I do believe it will happen one day.

As for what she gets in return, I am unlikely to leave her as she does a lot of other things that I find great. I have a feeling one day her sex drive or whatever it is will resolve itself.... I married for better or worse.

Do I think about it everyday... to some extent YES. Can I operate at full capacity... to some extent NO.

Do I treat my wife differently...YES than if I was sexually satisfied by her... is it horrible..NO but she does miss out on my best because it... men need control so I choose to act different. I will not let her have her cake and eat it to... we will be better once she returns to regular sex. She in her defense does have some significant physical stuff going on that she may need to live with...doesn't prevent sex but I can see where it affects her wanting to do it.

IT gets bad because one reason we don't have sex is me.. I figure if shes not fully into it I don't even try... in fact I haven't tried since last time we had sex. Because it never seems like the right time I self regulate attempts.

She is dead prey... I wait for live prey.

So its a slippery slope... I handle it but I DON'T LIKE IT... but I do hold out hope this is a phase.

Your husband I can guarantee IS affected. How bad depends on the man.

To answer the poster who couldn't fathom... You do what you do because you want your wife to be happy over forcing sex on her.... that's the way I see it. My wife's happiness is more important to me, so I guess in a way I sacrifice.... I think things balance out eventually. If we do make it through then sex will be more precious.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

There are times when he starts rubbing my butt and I tell him "honey don't torture yourself" because I know it will lead to him getting disappointed.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> I understand that you can feel abused if you want sex and you don't get it and you feel rejected, but to say that insults are not emotional/verbal abuse is wrong. So many people get this type of abuse constantly and we can not just ignore it...
> 
> I do like most of your advice.. I think you write very well.. I enjoy it .. I may not agree with everything, but I enjoy reading your posts.


What you write here is very offensive and dismissive of the real abuse people who are married to chronic refusers go through. I'm curious, are you a refuser?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> I understand that you can feel abused if you want sex and you don't get it and you feel rejected, but to say that insults are not emotional/verbal abuse is wrong. So many people get this type of abuse constantly and we can not just ignore it...
> 
> I do like most of your advice.. I think you write very well.. I enjoy it .. I may not agree with everything, but I enjoy reading your posts.


I am very much aware of many kinds of abuse to include physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse.... and so forth. I've lived it myself in a very bad marriage.


As someone else said, if a couple has an occassional arguement and they say some things to each other.. .that's an argument, not abuse. Most couples do that once in a while. The OP even said that she used to do it to him.

Abuse tends to be a pattern of ongoing mistreatment. It does not sound to me like he's mistreating her on an ongoing basis.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I am very much aware of many kinds of abuse to include physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse.... and so forth. I've lived it myself in a very bad marriage.
> 
> 
> As someone else said, if a couple has an occassional arguement and they say some things to each other.. .that's an argument, not abuse. Most couples do that once in a while. The OP even said that she used to do it to him.
> ...


I myself do not consider it abuse. I see it as pointless because it resolves nothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chicago Gal said:


> There are times when he starts rubbing my butt and I tell him "honey don't torture yourself" because I know it will lead to him getting disappointed.


Yea and that's mean. Very mean. It does not matter if you are yelling it or saying it in the sweetest voice you can come up with.. it's the emotional equivalent to cutting him with a knife.

I’m not trying to be mean to you at all. I’m trying to get you to realize that you have been very abusive to your husband. I want you to realize that you have let this go on or a year or more. It needs immediate attention if you want to save your marriage. It's way too easy to just ignore it for another month, 6 months, a year. Don't do that.

Do you understand what sex is in a marriage?

Sex is the glue which holds a relationship/marriage together. It is supposed to be the one thing which separates a couple from just being friends or just being roommates. Denying one's partner sex and sexual intimacy is abuse because it makes their partner feel unwanted, undesired, unworthy, unattractive, unhappy and unfulfilled.

I'


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yea and that's mean. Very mean. It does not matter if you are yelling it or saying it in the sweetest voice you can come up with.. it's the emotional equivalent to cutting him with a knife.
> 
> I’m not trying to be mean to you at all. I’m trying to get you to realize that you have been very abusive to your husband. I want you to realize that you have let this go on or a year or more. It needs immediate attention if you want to save your marriage. It's way too easy to just ignore it for another month, 6 months, a year. Don't do that.
> 
> ...


I don't know what to say then. I just don't feel like having sex at all. But if he knows I'm never in the mood,don't you think in a way he is in part letting himself down? I might sound like an idiot but I just don't know what the hell to do?!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chicago Gal said:


> I myself do not consider it abuse. I see it as pointless because it resolves nothing.


You mean the yelling, etc that he is doing... right?


You see it as pointless. But put yourself in his shoes for a bit. Why is he doing it? Becuase he's frustrated to the point of doing this. He wants your attention on the problem. He cannot fix this. Only you can. He sees what he says/does as having a point because he's trying to get your attention on how important it is to him. So from that point of view it is not pointless. He cannot just talk to you about it because he's already tried that. It sure has not worked.

So he uses these tacktics and your response it not "Oh yea I hear you now." Nope your response is "oh your getting all excited about this is pointless." HUH? What does he have to do to get your attention?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chicago Gal said:


> I don't know what to say then. I just don't feel like having sex at all. But if he knows I'm never in the mood,don't you think in a way he is in part letting himself down? I might sound like an idiot but I just don't know what the hell to do?!


Yes you do know what to do now.

1) Tell your husband that you are greatly bothered by your low libido so you are going to attack it from every angle you can find. You will start by going to the doctor.

2) Go to your doctor and talk to the doc about your low libido, your birth control, your meds, your hormone levels. Keep at this until you get some resolutions.

3) Get "His Needs, Her Needs", read it and do what it teaches. Your husband needs to be involved too. You will see that once you get the book. Restructure your home and family life in a manner that promotes a passionate marriage.

4) Get your husband to go with you to a marriage counselor that is a sex therapist. They have all kinds of knowledge that can help.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP...

Even though you liked my previous comment.

I WOULD kick you to the curb based on what you say you say to him.... your attitude is blatantly abusive.

I don't even know if this is a real post or not.

You husband is a male who operates best with sex... and you deny that.. there is a nice way to handle it and your way.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> I don't provoke him. Provoking would be if I walked around in a thong or start something and not finish it. When I'm at home I wear yoga pants and a tshirt.


I get what you're saying. You don't tease or dress provocatively. Just know that in my experience that didn't make any difference. When my marriage was sexless, it didn't matter what my wife wore because I craved intimacy with her so badly on so many levels. I would constantly be watching, looking for any sign that she might be open to spending an intimate moment with me. Each time I worked up my nerve I took a risk of rejection, and no matter how much I thought I was ready for it her rejection still stung.

For what it's worth, it can get better. My marriage survived that horrible dark period. We made a commitment to communicate our needs to each other. My wife finally understood how many needs sex fulfills, and made an effort to be the lover that she pledged herself to be in our vows. It's a sinister twist that living without sex meant not meeting her own needs for intimacy and validation. I made an effort to understand and meet her needs. We found a way to meet in the middle and work on our marriage and we've never stoppped. Our marriage is very vibrant now and fulfills me needs in ways I had only hoped for emotionally, sexually, and intimately.

Work on your communication problems. Always remind him that it's okay for the two of you to disagree, and even argue, but that it must be done with respect. In the heat of the moment he may need that reminder to help him learn to communicate with you.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> To answer the poster who couldn't fathom... You do what you do because you want your wife to be happy over forcing sex on her.... that's the way I see it. My wife's happiness is more important to me, so I guess in a way I sacrifice.... I think things balance out eventually. If we do make it through then sex will be more precious.


I can gaurandamtee that you're drive isn't that high. No way could a guy with average or above drive make it 3.5 years. I'd break before 6 months were up barring a physical disability.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

Ok the abuse thing is getting weird. If I were to ask him I know he would laugh and say that he doesn't consider it abuse. But I do get that not having sex is no good for a marriage. I'm not withholding sex on purpose guys. I want to have sex but its not happening. It's painful when it happens because he is a good size and I do associate pain when I think about sex.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> There are times when he starts rubbing my butt and I tell him "honey don't torture yourself" because I know it will lead to him getting disappointed.


Touch is very powerful. Intimate touch releases "bonding hormones" (What does the Oxytocin Hormone do?). By shutting down the situation, you actually help perpetuate the problem.

What works for us in our marriage now is that when I am caressing her bottom she can of course say "I'm busy/tired, this is not a great time." When we're in bed together she will allow me to caress her, and of course my hands roam from her butt to her breasts to her vulva. And of course it is sexually arousing for me. But two things also happen. First I feel reassured that she is accepting my touch. That is so reassuring to me, because by accepting my touch she is accepting me and accepting my sexual desire. When she returns my touch, caressing me in return, it has a powerful affect on me. Second, she is creating an opportunity for intimacy and also an opportunity for sex. She might find herself becoming aroused, and by caressing me in return and feeling my sexual arousal she might become aroused. At any time she can say "I'm sorry, this isn't happening." That's our agreement. Instead, when it's not happening she'll usually snuggle up to me and we'll talk while she strokes me or helps me masturbate. It's still masturbation, but her participation is a reassurance that my sexual needs are okay and that she accepts them even if she's not feeling it "right now". Sometimes we'd get lucky and she'd become aroused while touching me.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You mean the yelling, etc that he is doing... right?
> 
> 
> You see it as pointless. But put yourself in his shoes for a bit. Why is he doing it? Becuase he's frustrated to the point of doing this. He wants your attention on the problem. He cannot fix this. Only you can. He sees what he says/does as having a point because he's trying to get your attention on how important it is to him. So from that point of view it is not pointless. He cannot just talk to you about it because he's already tried that. It sure has not worked.
> ...


This! You hit it right on the head. I have been through all of that.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

pplwatching said:


> Touch is very powerful. Intimate touch releases "bonding hormones" (What does the Oxytocin Hormone do?). By shutting down the situation, you actually help perpetuate the problem.
> 
> What works for us in our marriage now is that when I am caressing her bottom she can of course say "I'm busy/tired, this is not a great time." When we're in bed together she will allow me to caress her, and of course my hands roam from her butt to her breasts to her vulva. And of course it is sexually arousing for me. But two things also happen. First I feel reassured that she is accepting my touch. That is so reassuring to me, because by accepting my touch she is accepting me and accepting my sexual desire. When she returns my touch, caressing me in return, it has a powerful affect on me. Second, she is creating an opportunity for intimacy and also an opportunity for sex. She might find herself becoming aroused, and by caressing me in return and feeling my sexual arousal she might become aroused. At any time she can say "I'm sorry, this isn't happening." That's our agreement. Instead, when it's not happening she'll usually snuggle up to me and we'll talk while she strokes me or helps me masturbate. It's still masturbation, but her participation is a reassurance that my sexual needs are okay and that she accepts them even if she's not feeling it "right now". Sometimes we'd get lucky and she'd become aroused while touching me.


Oh ok I get it. Instead of saying don't torture yourself I can say something nicer or allow him to at least touch me. I have helped him masturbate and often he asks me if I can lay naked while he masturbates to the image of me being naked and often that led to sex.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> I can gaurandamtee that you're drive isn't that high. No way could a guy with average or above drive make it 3.5 years. I'd break before 6 months were up barring a physical disability.


I had sex this year... its been sporadic over the past 3.5 years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

themagicalbeing2013 said:


> I understand that you can feel abused if you want sex and you don't get it and you feel rejected, but to say that insults are not emotional/verbal abuse is wrong. So many people get this type of abuse constantly and we can not just ignore it...


Sex is not about just getting off physically. I've always been very high drive. So that part of it's great. 

But in a marriage it's about the bond which cultivates closeness and intimacy. It's about the body producing dopamine, oxytocin and all the other things that make a person feel the intimacy, bonded, in love, passion, etc. It’s about giving intimate love and receiving intimate love.

That's why it's abuse.. because a person is denied what they need to feel the love and passion in their relationship.


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## FishKing (Jun 28, 2012)

I have been married now just over 14 years. No sex for last 2.5 years. My wife an I have had a ton of issues. I read some similarities in your posts. When my wife gets mad, she is verbally abusive, says alot of mean hateful things, that to this day still resent her for. She uses sex as a tool sometimes. She is very controlling with it. She gets mad, and said basically no sex for you. it goes on and on, to where we go longer and longer without sex. The last time she was so mad she said I will never have sex with you again. Since that time 2.5 yrs ago, our marriage has fallen apart drastically.She said over the years that she wasnt attracted to me any more. It really ruined our relationship over time. I became emotionally detached. My advice is either figure it out, or move on, it will cause more problems later that may not be able to be fixed. In my case, my wife an I just avoided the issue, and i dont think we will be able to fix it now, too much damage has been done.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I can gaurandamtee that you're drive isn't that high. No way could a guy with average or above drive make it 3.5 years. I'd break before 6 months were up barring a physical disability.


I've been through 3.5 years. My drive is high. It drove me insane. I masturbated numerous times a day the whole time ... when I woke up, in the shower, and at least a couple of times at bedtime. Weekends were sometimes worse. I actually got worried that I was doing it too much. I didn't even use porn, just a good imagination. At the end of the day, it wasn't even the sex I missed, it was the close intimacy I once had with her. This year it's been close to 3 months. I still masturbate daily. It's all I got, lol


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chicago Gal said:


> Ok the abuse thing is getting weird. If I were to ask him I know he would laugh and say that he doesn't consider it abuse. But I do get that not having sex is no good for a marriage. I'm not withholding sex on purpose guys. I want to have sex but its not happening. It's painful when it happens because he is a good size and I do associate pain when I think about sex.


I know that you are not withholding sex on purpose. Don't think you are playing a passive aggressive game. What I do think is that you have not considered it important enough to yourself to do anything about it for a year or more. And you have definitely not considered this from your husband's perspective.

Instead of asking him if he thinks it’s abuse. Why not start out and ask him if he feels hurt by your not wanting sex with him. Ask him if he feels like you do not love him. Does he feel like he’s unattractive, etc.

If he feels this, then it’s abuse to him because it has torn him down. Then after that discussion you bring in word abuse. You see if it makes him feel like that, then its abuse to him. It might not be abuse to someone else, but its abuse to a person who is hurt to the point that many are. 

There are many threads here on this topic by both men and women. Perhaps you could read them and get more insight into how many, if not most , feel when their spouse is withholding sex, no matter the reason.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

You've said several times now that you want to work on your marriage. A lot of people are still going to chime in and offer their opinions. Don't get too focused on beating on that horse. Focus instead on what you can do from here to re-establish intimacy in your marriage now that you've decided to do it.

I wrote something anonymously once on a web site about our sexual lives together during the hard times, and how lonely I was without her. I realize that it's one sided, just my side of our love story. It may not be "right" or "correct", but it's what I felt and I did put some thought into understanding how we moved forward. Maybe it will help if you'd like to read it Literotica Discussion Board - View Single Post - Happily Married, Sexually Unfulfilled 



Chicago Gal said:


> It's painful when it happens because he is a good size and I do associate pain when I think about sex.


My wife used to have physical discomfort taking me inside of her because of my girth. We do our best to make shure she's relaxed and lubricated before penetration, and sometimes we use extra lubrication. We don't have penetration if she's not into it. Sometimes we don't have sex even after foreplay, but it's important to realize that _because we try _I don't view it as rejection.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chicago Gal said:


> Ok the abuse thing is getting weird. If I were to ask him I know he would laugh and say that he doesn't consider it abuse. But I do get that not having sex is no good for a marriage. I'm not withholding sex on purpose guys. I want to have sex but its not happening. It's painful when it happens because he is a good size and I do associate pain when I think about sex.


Do you know about what happened with orphans in WWII? There were so many orphans in Europe from the war that they had to open huge orphanages. There were not enough care takers to really take care of the babies, so they were left in their cribs. Many were never touched except when their diapers were changed. The babies, while offered plenty of formula, stopped eating and started to not thrive and even die.

That is how important touch is to humans.

Studies done since then with other animals show the same thing. With no touch from others they do not thrive, can go crazy and even die.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I know that you are not withholding sex on purpose. Don't think you are playing a passive aggressive game. What I do think is that you have not considered it important enough to yourself to do anything about it for a year or more. And you have definitely not considered this from your husband's perspective.
> 
> Instead of asking him if he thinks it’s abuse. Why not start out and ask him if he feels hurt by your not wanting sex with him. Ask him if he feels like you do not love him. Does he feel like he’s unattractive, etc.
> 
> ...


I have asked how he feels and he told me that yes he missed the sex but is willing to wait it out. He may be hiding his true feelings because let's be honest some men don't like to talk about there feelings. I will ask him in the morning and ill post what he says and I can go from there.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> Oh ok I get it. Instead of saying don't torture yourself I can say something nicer or allow him to at least touch me. I have helped him masturbate and often he asks me if I can lay naked while he masturbates to the image of me being naked and often that led to sex.


Perfect. Just be open and honest. Show him that you accept his sexual desire for you. Encourage it. Show him that you are willing to be his lover and his sexual partner even while you work on sorting out why your libido is low. In my experience and opinion, you will find that accepting his desire rather than recjecting it goes a long way towards establishing intimacy and meeting both of your need for validation and acceptance.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

Ok. Lol. I touch my husband. I help him masturbate and he helps me out too but that's as far as we get.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I'm thinking the zoloft could be PART of the problem.

Your losing attraction for him is part of the problem. Everything from his previous weight, to his anger and verbal abuse (or verbal anger) can cause that.

OR... maybe it was you rudely turning him down that started this whole thing in a bad direction. Or him rudely turning you down. One little triggering event that "snowballed" because nobody had the balls (or boobs) to put a stop to it when it started. It happens all the time.

These things can get the "snowball" rolling, and before you know it, it is a hurtling beheamoth death ball of snow and ice the size of a buick, and nobody remembers what started it.

If you can, think back to what started you turning him down. Was it YOU? Or was it something HE did? How did you (or he) respond to the trigger that set this whole thing off?

Even in marriages where everything is good, resentments can build, and it can be damn near impossible to pinpoint just what the hell started them on both sides!

Sounds like you know you're hurting him. Sounds like he knows he's trying to hurt you (injur your feelings). You guys are in a mess, and neither of you knows how to find your way out.

I'd say you need counseling. Someone needs to mediate, and tell both of you to get past all the crap in your history, and how to start anew. Someone needs to tell him possibly the BEST way for a woman to lose attraction for a man is to lose control of himself, yell, demean her, belittle her, or act like he could give a flying phuck. Someone needs to tell you possibly the BEST way for a man to lose attraction for a woman is for a woman to belittle her man, serially reject him, or get complacent with him (take him for granted).

Unfortunately, even when one party tries hard, the other may harbor some real resentment, and any little thing can set them off and trigger a damaging setback.

You need to figure out how to become attracted to each other again. And for that, you BOTH need to first SETTLE THE PAST, then second, PUT IT BEHIND YOU. Thirdly, agree to never go back there and do the things that got you here.

Just the fact you're here asking leads me to believe you haven't given up or pulled the old "bait and switch" on him. If he won't take the lead for now, maybe you'll have to in order to get that snowball started its way to getting pushed back up the hill.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chicago Gal said:


> Ok. Lol. I touch my husband. I help him masturbate and he helps me out too but that's as far as we get.


Do you mean that he helps you have orgasms?


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

Chicago Gal said:


> Ok. Lol. I touch my husband. I help him masturbate and he helps me out too but that's as far as we get.


So.. the situation is less abusive that we thought originally..


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

I haven't had an orgasm in a long time.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> I have asked how he feels and he told me that yes he missed the sex but is willing to wait it out. He may be hiding his true feelings because let's be honest some men don't like to talk about there feelings. I will ask him in the morning and ill post what he says and I can go from there.


He may be hiding his true feelings because he knows that this isn't your fault, and he doesn't want to make you feel bad or guilty. Men like to protect our lovers, even when we're falling on our sword to do it. IMHO telling him that you're recommitting yourself to establishing sexual intimacy in your marriage, and then following through is going to be more productive. Be honest and tell him that while it's not going to happen overnight you both can communicate honestly as you move foreward.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

pplwatching said:


> He may be hiding his true feelings because he knows that this isn't your fault, and he doesn't want to make you feel bad or guilty. Men like to protect our lovers, even when we're falling on our sword to do it. IMHO telling him that you're recommitting yourself to establishing sexual intimacy in your marriage, and then following through is going to be more productive. Be honest and tell him that while it's not going to happen overnight you both can communicate honestly as you move foreward.


I agree my husband protects me and my feelings. Which is why I'm seeking help because I don't want to hurt him in any way. I love him.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> Ok. Lol. I touch my husband. I help him masturbate and he helps me out too but that's as far as we get.


That's a good start. Even a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first steps. Don't give up.

I am going to bow out of this conversation for the night, but best of luck to both of you. I am always happy when someone says they're willing to work through the difficult times. A marriage for better, in good times, and in health isn't much of a marriage at all.

Best to both of you


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

pplwatching said:


> That's a good start. Even a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first steps. Don't give up.
> 
> I am going to bow out of this conversation for the night, but best of luck to both of you. I am always happy when someone says they're willing to work through the difficult times. A marriage for better, in good times, and in health isn't much of a marriage at all.
> 
> Best to both of you


Thank you for the advice


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> Ok the abuse thing is getting weird. If I were to ask him I know he would laugh and say that he doesn't consider it abuse. But I do get that not having sex is no good for a marriage. I'm not withholding sex on purpose guys. I want to have sex but its not happening. It's painful when it happens because he is a good size and I do associate pain when I think about sex.


One...if he's being "mean spirited", it may not be classified as "abuse", but it could have everything to do with you losing attraction for him. Virtually no woman is going to be attracted to a man who can't control himself and keep himself from saying injurous things just for the sake of saying them. If that's the case, he NEEDS to be made aware of it, UNDERSTAND IT, and realize just how much he is lowering his attraction in any woman's eyes. Women aren't attracted to guys who "lose it". Period. And "losing it" may be nothing worse than saying something mean spirited to the woman you're supposed to love and respect.

On the other hand...keep in mind he may be VERY resentful and lashing out at you if he feels he has "tried everything" (we hear it here so very often), and he feels you are not responding to his efforts. He may not know exactly WHAT to do, but if he is (in his mind) trying his best, and you're still rejecting him (because he's doing the wrong things and you still aren't "in the mood"), then he could be getting mega frustrated and has already lost all hope.

So very often (again...seen here all the time), guys with the best intentions do exactly the wrong thing to "turn on" their wives. They cook. They clean. Even though they were doing thier share before, they increase their efforts in this area, because many women use the "I'm tired" or "If you'd just help out more" as an EXCUSE, because they themselves (the women) can't understand why they don't want to jump their husband's bones like they used to! The husband kisses her butt. But they never address the underlying issues. The result is the wife sees these attempts at being more attentive as manipulation for sex by the man. And she gets resentful, because her attraction for him is not only NOT increasing, it's decreasing as a result. And he just gets angrier that his "efforts" have gone for naught.

Is any of this familiar to you? If so, well then, he needs to learn how to better make himself attractive to you. Or, he just needs some encouragement. Don't see it as "manipulation". See it as he is in fact trying, but may be a little blind to what it is he should really be doing! If he is doing these things, as a man I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, it is because he wants to please you. He doesn't realize you see it as manipulation. So, if that's happening...cut him some slack. Give into him when he does something nice. Once, maybe, he gets some confidence back, you'll see a somewhat different guy emerge from the ashes. 

Also...was it painful for you when you first met him? If it has always been painful, then you may need to find a "work around". Additional lube. More foreplay. He goes slower. If it has not always been painful, but it is now, that could be a relaxation and tensing issue with you...because you're not into it, and are on some level dreading the encounter. You both need to figure out how to get you back into it.

I think you'll get some good answers here. You're not the "typical case" that is seen here so often of someone who checks out on the sex life with their spouse, and really doesn't care. IF he cares, then you can get through this.


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

It's extremely hurtful to be rejected for sex by the person that's supposed to love you. The hateful things he has said are the result of the sadness and neglect he feels for the lack of intimacy in the marriage. I used to be on the flip side of this. My husband always turned me down for sex, and used porn or magazines instead. I've now been in an emotional affair for 4 years. I don't love my husband anymore. Love is sharing, and that includes sex. You should let him go if you aren't into him anymore. Decent men are increasingly hard to find.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - Please please read the book 'His Needs Her Needs. '

Especially the chapter about sex. It explains WHY your husband NEEDS sex. In a better way than I'd ever read about it before. It tells you what it really means to him at a heart and soul kind of level because all this has way more to do with his heart than his d!ck... honestly it does.

Have you spent much time on the sex boards reading the heart breaking words of those in sexless marriages? They talk of feeling unwanted and ugly and unloved... really sad stuff. I believe it would do you good to try to understand exactly what it is your husband is feeling.. I don't think you get that at all. No offense, it's great that your here and wanting to understand. I don't think your there yet though.

I believe once you really start to understand your husband your motivation and drive to improve and repair your marriage will increase. At least I hope it does.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sounds like you both have a lot of frustrations and resentments festering inside you. Until you both work at healing them, your marriage will be a high risk situation.

Have you two looked at counselling? Sorry if that was covered, I skipped a few pages... 

C


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I get the expreme emotional pain from a few sources.
> 
> One if from my own life with a husband who did exactly the same thing to me. I can tell you that it was so emotionally painful that I had to leave the marriage. I would spend nights crying for the wish that someone would hold me, someone would love me. Why? Because my own husband, the man who I promissed to be faithful to did not want to have anything to do with me.


I've been on the giving side of this equation. Due to my own struggles with depression and self-esteem, I had no interest in sex, and I rejected my wife for years. It wasn't until I decided to be proactive and initiate sex more often that I was really able to get myself turned around.

I am ashamed that I rejected her for so many years, but I can make sure I treat her needs and desires with more respect in the future.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Just out of curiosity Chicago Gal... You've mentioned why you're not attracted to your husband. What would it take for you to become attracted to him again? If it's the way he talks to you because you won't have sex with him, then that could be fixed with a family or couples therapist.

If you think your meds have something to do with your lack of libido, there are other options open to you, like others have said.

There's a therapist on the radio I listen to sometimes. One of her mantras is that the more you have sex the more you will desire it in the future. That includes both the act itself and the intimacy it creates. This may seem kind of arbitrary, but what if you scheduled sex, maybe once a week? It helped me get out of my own head and I started to enjoy it a lot more.


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## not_bubba (Feb 9, 2013)

Quite frankly, I have little sympathy for you. 

You realize that most men are sexual. You say he is a good husband, tries, that you care about him, etc. Yet you clearly torture him and have little remorse and want to keep him around. No normal male could survive this long term. Then you wonder why the poor guy is angry at times. Sheeze. Talk about self-centered. If you really cared about the guy you would provide a real explanation to him, really work on changing, or just divorce him before you kill him with stress. He probably wonders what the F' is wrong every day. I am living through this kind of crap also and it eats a guy alive. You also seem smug noticing that he is still attracted to you and finds you desirable. Is that some sick ego boost to you ? 

My guess is when he cannot take it any more and this hits the fan and blows up that you will just find some other poor guy. Then things will be fine for a short while and you will again get your jollies on torturing him. 

I am losing faith in a good number of women. It is mind boggling how egocentric people can be.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

Are you kidding me?! Ego boost? Self centered? Like I stated in a previous post I was gonna ask my husband how he felt. He said he doesn't consider this abuse.He did say he misses the sex and will continue to help me find what is wrong. I did suggest counseling and he is willing to go. He will not give me a divorce over sex. His words not mine and also he states he is a normal guy. He is a committed husband and knows that I'm a good wife. The only issue is the sex. Yes its important but in our marriage its not happening at the moment. We have faith it will and that is why we are looking for help and go to counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> Are you kidding me?! Ego boost? Self centered? Like I stated in a previous post I was gonna ask my husband how he felt. He said he doesn't consider this abuse.He did say he misses the sex and will continue to help me find what is wrong. I did suggest counseling and he is willing to go. He will not give me a divorce over sex. His words not mine and also he states he is a normal guy. He is a committed husband and knows that I'm a good wife. The only issue is the sex. Yes its important but in our marriage its not happening at the moment. We have faith it will and that is why we are looking for help and go to counseling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ahh, don't worry ... you are going to get a lot of opinions here and some of them you aren't going to like.

My observation is that his actions (anger) seem to be different than what he is telling you. I would trust the harsh comments as a better indication of what he's really thinking. If my wife had that conversation with me, I probably wouldn't say exactly what is on my mind. I would say "I can deal with it" ... and she would come away from the conversation probably thinking everything is ok.

No, of course he doesn't think of it as abuse. If someone suggested to me that my wife was abusing me, I would probably laugh. After all, my wife is anything but an abusive person. She is a good person who is kind and compassionate. Even if I thought it, I would never admit it but I wouldn't make that equation in my mind in the first place. We once went over 3.5 years without sex so I have a little experience with the myriad of emotions you go through. I would have not called it abuse but if I sit down and think about it, it does meet the definition. Constantly being rejected for sex has an emotional impact. It did for me, a little at a time. It eventually tore me down enough that I was able to recognize that it was tearing me down. That is emotional abuse whether you label it as such or not. 

I am glad you are addressing it and looking for solutions. He will not divorce you over sex ... but you need to know that if you had not done this and the issue had gone unaddressed and continued then those thought will enter his mind just as he lashed out at you with insults. Those insults are exactly what crossed my mind after so long in a sexless marriage.

You are doing the right thing.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Chicago Gal Without the connection of intimacy through sex I fear your marriage is on the path of certain failure .You do understand this do you not? You must communicate this to him. The truth will always be.Be clear about how you feel.It will be hard to tell him about your loss of attraction to him. But you must . If there are ways you can help him to optimize his appeal suggest them to him. Maybe you can explain what has changed in you view of him. Look back to photos and the time periods of them. Try to establish a connection of how you felt about him emotionally and physically at the time and the correlation of his image in the photos

As you are both young better sooner rather than later you must resolve this disconnect. The intimacy through sexual connection for a good and honorable man and his wife is absolutely critical to his and your needs. Shutting them off to him even if you were just offering obligatory sex, he would pick up on in an instant. His emotional pain at this moment is in a word unbearable.
To be fair to him and ultimately you and the marriage resolve this now. The unhappiness of both of you will grow to discontent and downright resentment. This will eventually erode the family to the point of dysfunction on all levels.
All this will lead to who knows what .You can imagine what can come of this synario.

YES SEX IS THAT IMPORTANT


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

:iagree:


EleGirl said:


> First off he is not here to defend himself. She says that he has said some things to here that she thinks are mean. For example he's asked who she is having sex with. Since she is not having sex with him.. that's a very reasonable thing for him to ask.
> 
> More detail is needed to know if what he is doing is actually abuse or only an occassional blow up out of frustration. Even the best of people can blow up verbally when they are at their wit's end.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> There are times when he starts rubbing my butt and I tell him "honey don't torture yourself" because I know it will lead to him getting disappointed.


That sounds horrible.

Why in the world can you JUST DO IT with him. Does he disgust you? This is some kind of mental block. If you love him and he is in reasonable physical condition for a man then there should not be such a big deal. 

Check medical things...get off the drugs they probably dont help anyway...


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> Ok the abuse thing is getting weird. If I were to ask him I know he would laugh and say that he doesn't consider it abuse. But I do get that not having sex is no good for a marriage. I'm not withholding sex on purpose guys. I want to have sex but its not happening. It's painful when it happens because he is a good size and I do associate pain when I think about sex.


Try lube


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## not_bubba (Feb 9, 2013)

Chicago Gal said:


> Are you kidding me?! Ego boost? Self centered? Like I stated in a previous post I was gonna ask my husband how he felt. He said he doesn't consider this abuse.He did say he misses the sex and will continue to help me find what is wrong. I did suggest counseling and he is willing to go. He will not give me a divorce over sex. His words not mine and also he states he is a normal guy. He is a committed husband and knows that I'm a good wife. The only issue is the sex. Yes its important but in our marriage its not happening at the moment. We have faith it will and that is why we are looking for help and go to counseling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely self-centered. You have the audacity to wonder why he gets angry while being tortured by you. 

If he is even 1/2 normal he has probably already found a outlet/solution to your torture of him on the side. If so, it serves you absolutely right. You really do not deserve a faithful husband. 

Good wife. That is a laugh! You may do well taking care of the kids and he may want you around for that -- or either he is one of the most manipulatable guys on the planet. He shows interest and you tell him not to get worked up with over a year running of abstinence. Nobody goes into a marriage expecting that kind of abuse. You don't even appear to be able to give specific reasons for your physical disgust of your chosen mate. Then you appear to attribute part of it to him being temperamental while being tortured. 

You are not trying very hard also if you have him go a year without. 

I hope karma bites you in the ass.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

not_bubba said:


> <Venom removed out of compassion for the OP>


Okay, I think this is absolutely uncalled for. What has Gal ever done to you to deserve this kind of contempt and vitrol? She came here looking for advice. She has said that she now realizes that her marriage is worth working to save, instead of throwing it on the bonfire of no desire. She has said that she's talked to her husband, and folks here have pointed out that perhaps his answers weren't completely honest but the fact is that _he is responsible for answering her honestly_.

Like it or not, there are many things that make up a good marriage, and many things that make a good wife. Raising good kids is one of them. There are many facets of a marriage partnership that deserve to be called good even when sex is a problem. 

She's said that she wants to work on getting her marriage back to being healthy, and she's said that she doesn't know where to start. Relentlessly attacking her isn't helpful. If you don't have anything constructive to say that will help her, then at least show her the common courtesy of not saying anything at all.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Chicago Gal,

I am very sorry that certain people are being so horrible to you. It's hard enough to struggle with your situation without people trying to grind you into the dirt. I lived in a sexless marriage for a long time. During all of that time I still loved my wife very deeply. I never let her know how important it was that we reconnect sexually, but when I finally did she was like you; very eager to work to rebuild intimacy in spite of the time that had passed and the walls it had helped build between us. You need to be applauded for that, not brow beaten for the past. 

I know that sometimes we need to hear tough love and harsh truthes to begin to understand the depth and nature of our problems, because that helps us understand how to show our lover that we are remorseful. Honestly, if anyone had ever spoken to my wife that way I would be both bitterly dissapointed and so freaking angry that the people who she had turned to for help chose to drive her away. I would never let anyone show that kind of disrespect for the center of my life. 

You know you have problems, you know what they are, and you are comitted to working on them. You and your husband will find a way to heal the hurts of the past. Talk to each other, show each other love, compassion, and respect and I believe that your marriage can be what both of you want and deserve. Use counselling to work through his communication issues where he hurts you. You both have things to work on. Encourage each other. Love each other.

On behalf of everyone who loves marriage and wants to see you both enjoy a vibrant and healthy marriage (with a hot sex life), I apologize for the way that you've been treated here.

All the best


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

pplwatching said:


> Chicago Gal,
> 
> I am very sorry that certain people are being so horrible to you. It's hard enough to struggle with your situation without people trying to grind you into the dirt. I lived in a sexless marriage for a long time. During all of that time I still loved my wife very deeply. I never let her know how important it was that we reconnect sexually, but when I finally did she was like you; very eager to work to rebuild intimacy in spite of the time that had passed and the walls it had helped build between us. You need to be applauded for that, not brow beaten for the past.
> 
> ...


 Thank you for your kind words. Don't worry I don't pay attention to people who comment pointless things. My husband and I have taken the first step and we have an appointment with a marriage counsler and our priest. People here think because I post one question that it defines my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I love it when people's actions match their words. You're starting to have a few words in the right direction. If you ever have action to back them up (i.e. once you're actually having sex with your husband again) I'll be very excited, because at that point I'll start believing your words.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I love it when people's actions match their words. You're starting to have a few words in the right direction. If you ever have action to back them up (i.e. once you're actually having sex with your husband again) I'll be very excited, because at that point I'll start believing your words.


Good thing I don't care about people believing me huh? This is a forum where people ask for advice. Thats it no more no less.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Yes. Good thing. Of course I'm not the one who has to believe you.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

OP,

I applaud you for addressing this issue. I highly recommend you consider stopping or changing the antidepressant with the help of a good psychiatrist.

Would it not be terrible to find out that a medicine that may not actually helping you at all.....(there is lots of research out there now that shows these pills may do NOTHING to help...Im an MD by the way and only your own docs can give you direct advice..but there is a lot of ignorance out there about these drugs)...and perhaps this drug is helping to destroy your marriage!

I can understand some of the angry people....they are angry at their own situations...I have some of this angry feeling when reading your posts....its not personal..its misdirection...

What its almost IMPOSSIBLE for a sexual person to understand is how it feels to be an asexual person (as you are at the moment)....

Personally I have never in my life since age 10 felt asexual and despite anger etc at my wife, I have basically never felt NOT attracted to her.....

So its very difficult for people to see your point of view.

Perhaps check out the AVEN online site for asexual people or semi-asexual people. It could help.

I cant understand the concept of losing attraction for someone you love....I have no way of identifying with it at all....others surely feel the same and it makes us feel hurt and angry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chicago Gal said:


> Thank you for your kind words. Don't worry I don't pay attention to people who comment pointless things. My husband and I have taken the first step and we have an appointment with a marriage counsler and our priest. People here think because I post one question that it defines my marriage.


I'm very glad that you two have taken some very meaningful steps in the right direction. Working on this together is the stuff that great marriages are made of.


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## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

ChicagoGal

Thank you for sharing this issue on the public forum. It is really interesting to see how sexless marriage looks from the other perspective. I am glad that you are doing things to try to fix the marriage. One thing that helps me last through my sexless marriage is the hope that things will get better. If my wife asked me if she is abusing me by not having sex I would also smile like your husband and told her no. I would then cry when I was alone, which is extremely damaging to me because I consider myself a tough guy.

I am not familiar with "his needs, her needs" book, but I am sure it is worth reading. I just finished reading "5 love languages" by Gary Chapman and I started to understand things. I really recommend this book (you can even listen to it in a car, if time is in short supply). As a matter of fact he has an example in his book that looks like your marriage.

I hope you guys can fix your marriage.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

Yes we are working on things and we are also talking about doing date nights again. It's been so long since we've gone out just us. I asked him if I can post the other side of the picture I use as my avatar. Which is him and he is fine with it. Just to address the fact. He is a handsome man and his looks have never been a problem but I don't focus on that. When I mentioned I wasn't attracted to him was in an emotional way and I learned more about that by speaking to our priest. Any ways thanks everyone for the advice


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good to see both of you now 

Keep us posted. we can use some success stories around here.


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## Chicago Gal (Mar 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Good to see both of you now
> 
> Keep us posted. we can use some success stories around here.


I will keep you guys posted 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## matt82 (Jun 28, 2012)

Geez... how hard is it to just lay there and let him do his thing? He should divorce you.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

matt82 said:


> Geez... how hard is it to just lay there and let him do his thing?


When my marriage was sexless I didn't want a partner who would just lay there and let me do my thing. I wanted a partner who saw me as sexually desirable, who enjoyed the intimacy of sex as much as I did, and who enjoyed having sex with me. IMHO going through the motions without addressing the problem and making a consistent effort to make it better is a band aid on a mortal wound in the marriage. 

During that time I didn't want a divorce. I wanted my wife. If someone had told me that "I should divorce her" I would have told them that they don't understand my commitment to my wife and to my marriage. It's something that I take very seriously. I went into marriage knowing that the "for worse" in my vows could be a real possibility at some point in my marriage. Neither my wife or I came into our marriage as perfect people. We didn't know a lot of things about the important of sex, and we didn't know how to work on sexual issues. In our naivete' and ignorance we hurt each other, but learned from our mistakes and forgave each other. To us, that is a part of what a Christian marriage is.

When two people are clearly committed to working on their problems, telling them to divorce makes no sense at all.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

matt82 said:


> Geez... how hard is it to just lay there and let him do his thing? He should divorce you.


Actually thats the one thing I give the OP credit for... pity sex is lamer than withholding.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Actually thats the one thing I give the OP credit for... pity sex is lamer than withholding.


So no credit for acknowledging the problem, or for taking the first steps to fixing it?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

pplwatching said:


> So no credit for acknowledging the problem, or for taking the first steps to fixing it?


If she is truly serious, I simply cannot fathom her initial attitude and can see where she got that from.... if her attitude changes then yes that's a positive.... her attitude bordered on emotional abuse towards her husband.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

It baffles me why people see the need to comment on a thread when all they do is just bash OP for things she is trying to fix and understand. To say you should just lay there so your spouse can have sex with you may be the worst advice I have ever read on this site. I don't see how that would even solve the problem. 

I'm in a similar situation with my husband and it is not at all uncommon for partners to lose attraction for each other. I commend you for recognizing it and trying to fix it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

matt82 said:


> Geez... how hard is it to just lay there and let him do his thing? He should divorce you.


Do you think he would really like that? Just lay there? I did say she should try some lube if she feels not into it at first in the hopes that might stir things up or take away that anxiety....but he probably does not want her to just lay there.....Ive heard that called "hating you with her vagina".....


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Actually thats the one thing I give the OP credit for... pity sex is lamer than withholding.


On the other hand..there is something to be said for "bad sex is better than no sex"...you have to start somewhere.

I have recently had what I would consider to be bad sex with my wife but I could tell the next day she seemed to feel better about us.....even when she claims not to like it or not be in the mood it still bring us / keeps us together...even on her side more than she would probably admit.


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

GC, I haven't read the whole thread, but the deal is this:

A woman, instinctively, does not want to bear all her children to the one man. Just as men have an impulse to fool around, women have an impulse to find a different guy after they have had a kid. It's a fact of life. It's biological. It's universally true.

If you go back to work, in your current state of denial you will be cheating on your husband within a month or two (at the outside) and blaming it on him.

The lack of desire is not your fault, not his fault. It's how we are built.

What you *do* about it *is* your fault.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Marriage counseling, If that does not work then divorce.

Too many people think that marriage equals "anything is fixable" its not.

Some people are just not truly in love with each other and they marry anyways. You need to make sure you have that "consummate love". If you actually have that you wont ever get tired of each other or divorce ASSUMING both people put in work. The case of losing feelings for someone, or not finding someone attractive anymore EVEN if the marriage is healthy in all other area's might be the results of some body/mental issues. If its not then its a key indicator that the relationship is over. 

What I am trying to say is that you can be married to someone for 10 years, and it be great but not have the type of long lasting passionate love that two madly in love 85 years old have that have say been married for 60 years. Sometimes we think we have the passion with someone but we really do not, often we override that logic with compensation. We weight other area's of the relationship and say "well we work together so that is love".


The type of love people search/dream of is not for everyone, as not everyone is stable mentally or is willing to put in the amount of work. You CANNOT just settle, and think "because we work" we will be happy and in love forever. It does not work like that


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

MrWombat said:


> GC, I haven't read the whole thread, but the deal is this:
> 
> A woman, instinctively, does not want to bear all her children to the one man. Just as men have an impulse to fool around, women have an impulse to find a different guy after they have had a kid. It's a fact of life. It's biological. It's universally true.
> 
> ...


Where is all your research to back this up? There is no evidence that women have the instinct to have the children of more than one man! Perhaps that they have the instinct to have children with a man they perceive as a superior man....not necessarily a new man every time they have a child?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

fetishwife said:


> Where is all your research to back this up? There is no evidence that women have the instinct to have the children of more than one man! Perhaps that they have the instinct to have children with a man they perceive as a superior man....not necessarily a new man every time they have a child?


What Mrwombat said is backed by every scientist out there. Its easily explainable and a part of human evolution, humans were not originally monogamous nor are we naturally monogamous.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Let me be blunt. You can't treat him like garbage, say you have a casual acquaintance no sex marriage, and think it will work if he is not gay. He will be angry, resentful, and can certainly justify an affair. You're heading for divorce and it's only his love, devotion, and incredible patience that has to date prevented that. 

Candidly it's tough to understand your reasoning. You could spend 15 minutes once or twice a week, do a little moaning and have a reasonably happy husband and marriage, but that is apparently too much for you to do. I think every husband and wife in a happy marriage does a few things he doesn't feel like doing. You're happy because you're partner is happy. 

Your reasoning is like the husband who says, I am in a happy marriage, but like to get something on the side once every couple of months, how do I explain to my wife that this is no big deal and keep a good marriage. The obvious answer is you can't. 

It's no great secret that a lot of women have some diminished desire after a few kids. For most of them, having a loving family with mom and dad in the same household is worth it. Put it this way, you get divorced, you'll have more than a few men who don't particularly like your kids, others will be difficult, and for the men you like, count on a healthy supply of bjs. 

Its your call, keep a man who loves you and is the father of your children happy, or decide 20 minutes a week is too much time to devote to your marriage.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

No it has not been backed up by "every scientist out there"

What you are saying is based upon the pseudo science in that book...Sex at Dawn....its been fully debunked by another book that actually looks at the science...."Sex at Dusk"...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

matt82 said:


> Geez... how hard is it to just lay there and let him do his thing? He should divorce you.


Surely you do not expect women to do this? Duty sex? Barf...

Most men do not get much out of a woman who just lays there either.

She needs to get her libido and desire back up where she wants to engage in sex, it's doable.


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## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> Candidly it's tough to understand your reasoning. You could spend 15 minutes once or twice a week, do a little moaning and have a reasonably happy husband and marriage, but that is apparently too much for you to do.


Honestly, I would be devastated if I found out that my wife fakes orgasms for me. I would be devastated if my wife just lay there for me as other reader suggested. That would be nothing else but masturbation with my wife's body. No thanks, I will pass. I don't mind when my does a HJ for me, as a manifestation that she cares about my needs. But for her to spread her legs and maybe while I am huffing and puffing check her Facebook because she is bored? No sir!

I don't want my wife to have sex with me again.I want my wife to desire me again.

Speaking of which, I would also like to recommend "Sex starved marriage". It is a book for the couple, for both LD and HD spouse. I really wish that maybe my wife will read it too one day.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Pam wrote, My husband comes with me to my mother's house Sunday nights. He is reasonably pleasant complimenting my mom on her food and laughing at my dad's jokes. However, I certainly wouldn't want him to go if he wasn't completely into it, and would never want him to fake enjoying these dinners. 

Obviously ridiculous. Husbands and wives in successful marraiges do things for one another, share things because their spouse likes it, and may sometimes even exaggerate their satisfaction at an event. That's all I am saying. I am sorry if you feel to realize that women's sex drives change once their hormones have altered after two children. They may feel more stress from work and home, have less desire, and perhaps feel more sensitive to a lack of skill. 

In good marriages, they get beyond this. They may delicately make suggestions. She may enjoy relations in a romantic hotel or like her back rubbed, and like a drink to relax. He should hopefully pick up on this. To to put pressure on the average mother with three children working 8 hours and then spending 3 taking care of kids, to spend an hour of unbridled passion is unrealistic. She should care enough to show she cares and he should be considerate of her and through mutual compromise and consideration, a satisfactory medium can be achieved. 


Originally Posted by Bobby5000 View Post 
Candidly it's tough to understand your reasoning. You could spend 15 minutes once or twice a week, do a little moaning and have a reasonably happy husband and marriage, but that is apparently too much for you to do. 

Honestly, I would be devastated if I found out that my wife fakes orgasms for me. I would be devastated if my wife just lay there for me as other reader suggested. That would be nothing else but masturbation with my wife's body. No thanks, I will pass. I don't mind when my does a HJ for me, as a manifestation that she cares about my needs. But for her to spread her legs and maybe while I am huffing and puffing check her Facebook because she is bored? No sir!


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> No it isn't. I've been married over 20 years and we rarely fight but when we do, some things are said. That is normal. That is not constantly tearing down a person. That is normal human emotion.
> 
> No, her rejection of him over that long of a period of time has an effect on a man's self-esteem. It hasn't just been a year. She had to have slowed things down over a long period before stopping altogether. It is no wonder he is angry and resentful. Elle made the point that it equates to emotional abuse. What did I say ... if you constantly tear a person down that is emotional abuse. What do you think her rejection of him is over that long a period of time. I've gone 3.5 years at one point ... I know exactly how it feels. It tore me down.


Everything came back when you started having sex again?


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> I don't know what to say then. I just don't feel like having sex at all. But if he knows I'm never in the mood,don't you think in a way he is in part letting himself down? I might sound like an idiot but I just don't know what the hell to do?!


Sometimes we do things we don't "feel" like doing, because they need to be done. 

However I wanted to say that birth control can kill the libido in a female, it did it to one of my ex's, took her from a nympho down to nothing.

Zoloft and anti depressants are also known to kill sex drive.

Couple that with stress from a busy schedule, and alcohol and there is zero sex drive.

Also the act of not having sex causes the body to adapt and lower the sex drive...

I would just do something, you know it would not be selfish to give your husband some.


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

Chicago Gal said:


> Yes we are working on things and we are also talking about doing date nights again. It's been so long since we've gone out just us. I asked him if I can post the other side of the picture I use as my avatar. Which is him and he is fine with it. Just to address the fact. He is a handsome man and his looks have never been a problem but I don't focus on that. When I mentioned I wasn't attracted to him was in an emotional way and I learned more about that by speaking to our priest. Any ways thanks everyone for the advice


Chicago Gal, just read through and so happy you are starting date night. I felt bad when you were wondering about leaving your husband. I've had times in my marriage where I felt like I wasn't attracted to my husband but then I realized I was the problem.

Before anything else I really think you need to get off the Zoloft if you can. That will make you gain weight and kill your libido. I know this as I experienced it for a short while years ago and so have friends of mine. People generally don't want to hear this but getting your blood pumping everyday and eating healthy is all *most* people need to treat depression/anxiety. You can message me if you'd like more details on that. But if that is not for you, hopefully your doc has another alternative to Zoloft.

Your hubby is probably feeling sad, unloved, and hurt in your no sex relationship and it shows by him lashing out at you. Even if you dont feel like it at first, make a conscious effort to focus on loving him. You will see him blossom before your eyes and you will reap the benefits! Also now that your boys are older focus on making yourself look and feel great and feel sexy! I think going back to work will help. Hopefully you can put those comfy yoga pants away and dress up a little. It does a woman good! 

To sum up, focus your energy on making yourself look and feel great and also focus on loving your husband. It will work out, your heart is in the right place!


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