# separation last hope?



## trubie08 (Jan 21, 2011)

I am going to give a quick background.

On new years eve I told hubby I was no longer in love with him. After years of verbal abuse, I have built up a wall against him to the point where I can't and dont feel anything for him in a intimate way. I resent him and am angry with him. He has tried to "change" but I cant help but still hold this in the back of my head and truly believe he has not changed and is only putting on a front to keep me "happy". Its not working. 

My q is do you think sometimes separation is necessary in order to start rebuilding the relationship. I want to make it work because we have a daughter together but all I am doing right now and have been since last yr is going through the motion. He is aware of this and is devastated. He is angry and upset. He wants me to fall back in love with him as though it were a light switch. I am brutally honest with him (which I know is harsh) and he hasnt been able to deal with it. WHile I know he has a right to be upset, it is making our situation worst. We cant stop arguing since the revelation. 

I think i want to be with him (like I said have resentment) and we are going to counseling. She suggested separation to clear our heads. I just dont know if either can go through with this. We have a daughter who adores him and he is such a great dad. Just hasnt been nearly a good husband. But I must say he is trying.... at least I would like to say so.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Perhaps. Then we can focus on ourselves. And maybe it's the kick in the butt we need sometimes. And trying is half the battle right?
But what do I know in all fairness!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

It might be, or it might be the path to divorce, but keep the lines of communication open whatever way you go !


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

trubie08 said:


> My q is do you think sometimes separation is necessary in order to start rebuilding the relationship. .


Yes. For me, absolutely. In fact, I think separation was what saved my marriage. It gave us a cooling down and diffused a tension filled, stressful environment. It stabilized things for my kids immensely. Plus, it allowed me to stand on my own two feet and prove to myself and my husband that I could function on my own. 

Part of me is relieved at this because I don't want us to be living together right now. I often wonder what our future holds. We talk about reconciling but for me it seems like it will be far off right now. 

Let me add that I'm not considering divorcing my husband. I still love him and want to be with him. I don't plan to date other people at all. In this case I might be very different from you.

Now is separation right for you? I think it might be because it will take you out of a tense situation and cool things down and give you time to get a perspective. If you find yourself wanting to be with your husband that will tell you one thing. If, you are like me and find yourself enjoying your separation, that'll tell you another. 

Seems to me is that you need to know for sure if you really do love your husband or are you unhappy with the state of your marriage and saying that you aren't in love with him as a justification to end the marriage? A separation might clarify this. Staying together because you have a child is NOT a good reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. Your child will be brought down by the stress and arguing a lot more than by you being separated. My kids are much better now that my husband and I are separated. My son sees my husband all the time. You can arrange for your daughter to see your husband. Allow him to visit and spend time with her as much as he'd like. Why not, if he's a good dad?


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## kdruark (Feb 2, 2011)

Im glad to hear that seperation can work for some. I am currently seperated from my husband, (although trubie I must admit that in your situation I am the husband). I had no idea that our marriage was as bad as it is, I knew we had problems but we both had alot on your individual plates to spend the time to work on it. Now we are seperated and it kills me. My husband has been telling me the exact things u r telling your husband and doing the same things you are doing (brutally honest) I think it helps being honest and seperation might possible help us, but it is putting alot of stress on me (who is 7 months pregnant!) 
Like ur H, I am realized how I need to change. I am currently working on being a better person and my H sees that, but i feel like he is being reserved. I know somewhere deep down he still loves me, I can see it and feel it. 
What would u want ur H to do to show u that he wants to save the marriage? I guess what Im asking is, what could he do that would change your mind and make u fall back in love with him?

I am so glad to see that seperation can work for some people. I hope I can be included in that small some.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

I feel separation should be a last resort. I am trying by best not to separate because, for me, I think it will be the end of my marriage and I am not ready for that.

I feel instead of counseling, you should consider marriage building. There is allot of resourses on this site. Learning about the dynamics of marriage may help you to better understand why you built up your wall in the first place, and why you are no longer "in love" with your hubby.

Understanding what happened, and learning HOW to love your husband again may be a better solution. Best of luck...


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## trubie08 (Jan 21, 2011)

So today on Valentines day, my hubby told me he wants to take some money and find a place to stay. He said he will be filling for divorce in a year. 

When he told me that I was shocked. I walked out of the room not saying anything. He then came up to me said he was sorry and said he really doesnt want to leave but cant take the hurt anymore. Then for the rest of the day he text me saying he was sorry and doesnt want to leave... can you say mixed signals! 

Well we didnt have time to talk tonight (work) but I think I am going to sit with him tomorrow and tell him maybe we should separate. I think deep down he wants it. Or he is playing these games to make me beg him to stay (which I wont do) so he feels wanted . who knows. but after this weekend (which was another one spent argueing), I think its time to separate. I am going to tell him not divorce but separate. Maybe this can still be saved. I just need to get the courage now.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Separation will tell you a lot..and it will help cool things down. It doesn't have to be a prelude to divorce. It can save a relationship. IMO, it's a good option. It doesn't have to be a last resort. 

Nice guy, pulling this crap on Valentine's Day. He couldn't have waited until tomorrow?


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

trubie08 said:


> I am going to give a quick background.
> 
> On new years eve I told hubby I was no longer in love with him. After years of verbal abuse, I have built up a wall against him to the point where I can't and dont feel anything for him in a intimate way. I resent him and am angry with him. He has tried to "change" but I cant help but still hold this in the back of my head and truly believe he has not changed and is only putting on a front to keep me "happy". Its not working.
> 
> ...


If I didn't know any better, I would think that this was my wife writing this. I verbally abused her when she had backed me into a corner and wouldn't let up (she has control issues). I know what I did was wrong, and I so deeply regret doing what I did. If I could take it all back, I would in a heartbeat. Our separation was a mixed blessing, as much as I love and need her, I feel that this time away has given me the chance to take the necessary steps to improve on myself, to make the changes that were needed.

Anyway, I have been making some serious changes in my life. I am doing what I can to become a better person. But like you, she is afraid that my "change" is only temporary to win her over. I am not one to make an idle promise, so when I promised her that my change is permanent, I meant it. I am hoping that the separation, the time and space that she had asked for, will be the key to our reconciliation, and start repairing our relationship.



trubie08 said:


> So today on Valentines day, my hubby told me he wants to take some money and find a place to stay. He said he will be filling for divorce in a year.
> 
> When he told me that I was shocked. I walked out of the room not saying anything. He then came up to me said he was sorry and said he really doesnt want to leave but cant take the hurt anymore. Then for the rest of the day he text me saying he was sorry and doesnt want to leave... can you say mixed signals!
> 
> Well we didnt have time to talk tonight (work) but I think I am going to sit with him tomorrow and tell him maybe we should separate. I think deep down he wants it. Or he is playing these games to make me beg him to stay (which I wont do) so he feels wanted . who knows. but after this weekend (which was another one spent argueing), I think its time to separate. I am going to tell him not divorce but separate. Maybe this can still be saved. I just need to get the courage now.


My wife has mentioned that she wanted a divorce a couple months ago, but she has not filed for it yet. To me, this is good news. When I first heard the news, I was devastated, I did not know how to react. I was lost and confused, we both said some hurtful things towards each other. We did not allow any time to rationally think and respond, we just responded in the heat of the moment.

My mother-in-law told me that if you think that you are about to say something that you may regret later, then don't say it. Take some time away from your spouse. Give your thoughts and feelings some time to process, that way you don't say something that will further build the wall around her (or you). Being through what I have, I can relate to saying things in the heat of the moment. Your H's mixed signals are reflecting what is going on inside of him. He is hurting inside, and he doesn't know how to process these thoughts and feelings. Given a time to cool off, one can clear their head and better process rational thoughts with a sound mind.


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## trubie08 (Jan 21, 2011)

Well I did it, I asked for a separation and I am heartbroken. We both are. On one hand I am relieved and on the other I am so sad. I wish it never came to this but I don;t think I had much of a choice.

He says I should have waited a bit longer for him to show me he will change but honestly I have grown jaded. I am tired of all the apology's. I am tired of not feeling comfortable in my own home. I am tired of hearing one min he wants to leave and the next he wants to stay. I am tired of him saying hurtful things when he is angry. I am exhausted.

I have to say I am morning though. I am sad for our relationship. I never thought this would happen. I wanted to have more babies with him. I wanted us to build another home togehter. I wanted us to always be there for our baby. I am upset for her. He is a great dad. 

I am also second guessing this whole situation. What if I never find anyone like him. I know he hasnt treated me the best but it could have been worse. I never doubted that he wouldnt be there for me whenever I called. He is the only person who has been there for me unconditionally. Thats not something that comes easily. 

Hopefully this separation will clear my head and allow me to think straight. SIgh


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

trubie08 said:


> I am also second guessing this whole situation. What if I never find anyone like him. I know he hasnt treated me the best but it could have been worse. I never doubted that he wouldnt be there for me whenever I called. He is the only person who has been there for me unconditionally. Thats not something that comes easily.
> 
> Hopefully this separation will clear my head and allow me to think straight. SIgh


know how you feel. Right now you need (as I do) to look out for number 1, thats you, and in a week, a month or whatever, things will clear up.
Good luck and best wishes to you.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I just posted my story in the reconciliation section.

My 2 month separation was almost unbearable, but it was the only thing that got us back on track.

I think separation is best to break up resentment. My wife resented me when she moved out. We had 2 months to go on dates and not have to deal with day to day stress and small fights.

Your situation is trickier since one of you is already dealing with depression.

best of luck


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## Babiez7X11 (Feb 19, 2011)

i totally agree


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