# Male relationships outside your marriage



## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

I decided to wait and got married at an older age (38). I will be married only 2 years on the 21st of this month.

As an older newly-married couple, it is hard to change people or even get them to change old habits. Even if it is for the better of the marriage. Me and my DH promised each other something when we decided to marry. I promised him that when the economy got better, we would sell my house and move closer to where he works so the commute is less timely (he drives over and hour one way). He promised me that he would work less and spend more time at home once we were married (while single, work is mostly what ya do). He has not kept his side of the bargain and is still resistant to change.

When we were dating, he worked 2 jobs. When overtime kicked in, it was 7 days a week with close to 70 hours. His idea of lessening his hours is instead of working 4 days a week at his part time job, he now works 3. I never see him and we are like ships in the night. The nights he works his 2nd job, he comes home after midnight and I NEVER see him. Weekends he works overtime and I might see him for 3-4 hours before we go to bed. Neither one of us has extended family so keeping myself "busy" or doing family stuff is non-existant. We are also child-free.

I met up with an old male friend of mine last night. My husband knew about it and told me to have a good time. I also sometimes meet other male friends of mine for an innocent lunch. Some are married, some are single and some are in relationships. The one male friend I met last night I have known for over 22 years. We met at a bowling alley where he is on a league and I had a BLAST! We talked, laughed and brought up the good ol' days when both of us bowled together on the same league. We were an item years ago and I ended the relationship with the above male friend after we kept going in circles. I wanted marriage and it seemed he was going to be a lifelong batchelor. 

Last night was one of the best times I have had on a looooong time! I actually felt...hmmm...human? My DH works so many hours that he is so tired we cannot do anything together. And if we do, he ends up falling asleep at the table if we are playing cards or falls asleep in the movie theatre. I do not feel guilty for going out and having a good time with this male friend either and I would like to do it again.

So, what is your input of married females having married/attached or single male friends to do things with? Wether it's an email or a phone call or going out for lunch or even doing some kind of activity together?


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Being close or getting close to males is a dangerous game i think. The last thing you want is to start growing feelings for this guy or being accused of cheating even if you think it is innocent, you have to remember your husband is not at home so you don't want it to get to the point where he feels like his losing you to other men. Seems to me that your getting the attention from these men because you don't get any from your husband, talk to him and tell him how you feel explain that you feel distant.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Be careful. You're prime for having an affair, emotional or physical or both.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

*We were an item years ago and I ended the relationship with the above male friend after we kept going in circles.*

To put it politely, If I was your husband I would have a major issue with that.

That would be a boundry that I wouldn't allow to be crossed.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

I've known a few gals over a decade or two (before I married my ex) as just friends and must admit that before and after the marriage, a few times things could have got hot.

I thought about these gals purely on sexual level as well as the point of wondering if marriage would work? (not going there again  ). Of course I'm transparent with them and they know and we laugh about it, they have felt the same thing too. Just not sure if its worth stepping outside of current boundaries, wrecking lives, or ending friendships over.

Be careful, play with fire burn your fingers  Not judging, just sayin '


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Sit down and talk with your husband about how the two of you are nothing more than married strangers and how this is impacting your marriage. Ask him what is the point of being married if the two of you never see each other and never go out to have fun? Let him know how you feel, otherwise he will continue on his oblivious, merry way believing everything is fine until the day you and one of your male friends decide to runoff with one another.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Are you pulling your weiight , financially? Why does he feel he needs to work so much?


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I would *never* be comfortable with my husband going out with a woman alone, ESPECIALLY if she was someone he use to date. And even more especially if it was a relationship where marriage and commitment came up. What if the tables turned?

I can see that you are frustrated with your husband, but you need to be careful. What does your husband say when you ask him to cut his hours more? What if you plan activities which FORCE him to cut his hours down (like a vacation)? Maybe a taste will further encourage him to cut down.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Sounds like a date to me. Also sounds like something that has the potential to go off the track in a hurry before you even realize what is happening.

If this continues we will probably see the old "We just kissed" "It just happened" next.

Talk to hubby tell him YOU are not comfortable having to go outside the marriage for male companionship.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Do you know that this male friend wants to get into your pants? Does that change things? I'm just asking. In this day and age it amazes me that women don't know that men hang around with them for one reason only.

EDIT - ALL OF these male friends. I forgot the others. I was just concentrating on the bowling buddy.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband and I agreed to not have frequent casual contact with the opposite sex. I'd be so pissed at my husband if he was meeting other women friends for lunch. He'd feel the same way if I were meeting men. We've been married 12 years and have a very good marriage. 

Sorry, I don't see anything good coming out of this. You easily could end up having affairs on your husband, if you haven't already. Emotional affairs are just as bad as physical affairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Be honest with yourself. You had a fun date wth a guy you used to date , who is still single.

Yeah you never see your hubby, but filling that void with evenings out with other men, ESPEClALLY single men who you had a full on relationship with is a bad bad choice.

You are in need of emotinal attention, and maybe even physical attention and hanging wth men who you've been romantic with, especially if there is any kind of alchol involved is setting yourself up to fail your marriage.

Lonely right now? Take a cooking class, or join a book club.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My husband and I agreed to not have frequent casual contact with the opposite sex. I'd be so pissed at my husband if he was meeting other women friends for lunch. He'd feel the same way if I were meeting men. We've been married 12 years and have a very good marriage.
> 
> Sorry, I don't see anything good coming out of this. You easily could end up having affairs on your husband, if you haven't already. Emotional affairs are just as bad as physical affairs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife never saw any problems with her regular and ongoing lunches with a younger ex baseball player. Now we are seperated. She claims it did not contribute to the downfall of our marriage. I beg to differ.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Mistys dad said:


> *We were an item years ago and I ended the relationship with the above male friend after we kept going in circles.*
> 
> To put it politely, If I was your husband I would have a major issue with that.
> 
> That would be a boundry that I wouldn't allow to be crossed.


^^^:iagree::iagree::iagree:^^^

I'm sorry, but you don't get to this. Having lunches with ex lover's, i don't care if it was from 40 years ago, he was somebody you was once intimate with... a guy that knows how to make love to you. We have a policy in my household...ZERO contact with ex's or past sexual partners. To coin a phrase, you are playing with fire with gasoline underwear on. 

Think about your situation for one second. You are hanging with guys... while feeling under appreciated at home. That's like me being undersexed at home, and hanging out with a bunch of pornstars... not a good recipe and somethings going to break. You are one mixed drink away from stumbling, falling over onto one of these guy's c-ck.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I had a pretty good male friend once during our separation. I tried to continue that friendship after our reconciliation. It almost destroyed our marriage, and I didn't even see it happening! I found I was too comfortable with this friend to the point that it was silently tearing up my marriage, but he was easy to talk to, we had fun, blah blah, but I needed that with my H, not my friend. I phased the friendship out and started focusing on getting those things from my H. I have casual male friends still, and my H has casual female friends. 

I agree with the other posters, nothing good can come from this.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Mistys dad said:


> *We were an item years ago and I ended the relationship with the above male friend after we kept going in circles.*
> 
> To put it politely, If I was your husband I would have a major issue with that.
> 
> That would be a boundry that I wouldn't allow to be crossed.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
This is an improper relationship in my opinion


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

ARNOLD: YES, I do work about 6-7 hours a day on a split shift. I work the AM, have about 3-4 hours to do my shopping, errands, etc. and then I go back to work until about dinner time. I work with children and have very little "adult conversation". I look forward to getting together with a male friend once in a while for lunch to shoot the breeze.

I have heard on occasion that I am wasting my time in an "escape" world. I think we all need an escape once in a while and I do not think of it as a waste. A waste to me is sitting at home after a day of work in front of the computer or tv until bedtime with no social activity whatsoever. This is what has been going on and I need to so-called "get out" once in a while wether it is with my DH or not.

My DH was married before and it only lasted 2 1/2 yrs. His ex-wife ended up being a criminal and he never knew it. He found out when she stole merchandise from her employer while they were married and thats when he found out she had a history of this (history as in before they tied the knot). Of course, she was fired and afterwards, used her stealing as an excuse as to why she could not find a job. She then became a "bum" and started compulsive shopping causing financial ruin on both of them. That is where my DH started working 2 jobs just to survive and finally ended up divorcing her.

My DH still works 2 jobs and I think maybe it is a security blanket. Not only for "us" but also for him because of what he went through in the past. He wants us to live comfortably and not struggle. If we need the money for an emergency or anything else, it will be there. He feels satisfied in his life because he is doing what a man is suppose to do (work, take care of certain things and feels a sense of accomplishment). On the other hand, on my end as a woman, I feel no satisfaction whatsoever. Me and my DH sit down to a dinner together ONCE A WEEK, I clean the house to make it look nice but then there is no one to appreciate it, etc. Women need to feel needed and show their love and caring through acts of kindness (cooking a nice meal, taking someone to the store or visiting your in-laws). I have never met my in-laws and probably never will. My DH was considered an outcast when he left the family home to start his new life after his divorce and both of my parents died of cancer when I was in my late 20's 

Why do I see nothing wrong with this? Maybe because my DH has no problem with me going to a bowling alley once a week to talk to a male friend in a public place. While I was there, I saw 3 other guys there bowling on the same league that I know (2 work with me and one was an ex-coworker). Talk about a small world, eh? I was also just invited to go see an AHL (American Hockey League) game with a guy I have known for over a decade and his 2 kids. The guy is in a long-term relationship and his GF hates hockey and therefore, has invited me. If all parties agree and there is no drama, then whats the problem?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You're unhappy in your marriage, you went out with a single man who you've had feelings for in the past, you had a fun time and connected with the guy.

You are starting an affair.

I am very sorry to say that. I was betrayed by my spouse by her starting to talk with an old friend. It started out innocent with no intentions of going farther. It ended with her planning to divorce me so she could have a sex vacation with this man, and having a one night stand while drunk at a bar.

I am going to give you advice because I know the pain that your actions will lead to. *IT IS THE MOST HORRENDOUS, MORTIFYING, TREACHEROUS FEELING IN THE WORLD TO BE BETRAYED BY YOUR SPOUSE.* Do not be naive to what your actions will become. As you spend more time with this man, your attraction to him will grow and you will grow more and more resentful of your spouse. Your separation will get worse, while you grow closer and closer with this other man. You will begin to lie about your whereabouts. You will become a person that you are not, and you will have this guilt and shame for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Your husband will never be able to trust you again fully even if you reconcile, you will look in his eyes and for many months see a deep pain in his heart. He will not be able to sleep for weeks or months and probably go into a depression.

Is a good time at the bowling alley worth that?

Make your decision now. If you want your marriage to work, write your husband a letter telling him how you feel, be SPECIFIC and EXPLICIT about what exactly you need. Don't say things like "spend more time with me", instead say, "3 times a week we need to spend 2 hours together." Don't say, "spend less time at work" say "cut your part time work to 1 night a week." Make it clear what you NEED to stay in the relationship. If he does not live up to these expectations, then file for separation. If that does not wake him up after a period of time, then your marriage is not worth saving.

If you do not want to make your marriage work, file for divorce now and THEN go see this man on your free time.

Please, please please please please do not be naive to what will happen if you continue on your path. You are hurting, you are vulnerable. I understand your pain and that it feels good to be desired and attended to and cared for. Understand how vulnerable you are and put all your effort into making your husband understand that. I can tell you men are stupid in matters like these, we do not understand our women until we are hit on the head with a brick. Hit him on the head in a good way, by specifically stating your grievances and giving him a chance to work on them.

Do not throw away your life, and your husband's heart. Cut off contact with this ex, do not seek to connect with other males in any fashion while you are distanced from your spouse. Guard your heart like Fort Knox, especially while you are feeling lonely.

I have been 100% honest and truthful with you and I can tell you with 100% honesty and truthfulness your actions WILL lead to an affair if you continue. I have no reason to lie to you. Take what I am saying to heart and do the right thing before you ruin your life.

I promise you that if you show your husband this post you made, he would not be comfortable at all with you going out with this man. If all your efforts fail, as a last resort, show him what you just typed. If he does not become extremely uncomfortable and restless, then something is wrong with him.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I'm wondering (out loud) if her H isn't more or less ok with an open marriage.

He's buried himself in work - not his W, and he's telling her its OK to hang out with past lovers. 

This is something you definitely need to have a talk with him on. I'll bet he really doesn't NEED to work all those hours. Something is off here.


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

I think these friendships are fine as long as you're careful. I've had a lot of guy friends over the years I've been married. Even nights out. I think as you say it makes someone feel human again sometimes. I also just enjoy male company a lot more than female company. My husband has been okay with it, though we've had an occasional problem if a guy tries to take things in another direction. But I deal with that by always being upfront with my husband so he doesn't have to worry.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

STORMCHASER said:


> Why do I see nothing wrong with this? Maybe because my DH has no problem with me going to a bowling alley once a week to talk to a male friend in a public place. While I was there, I saw 3 other guys there bowling on the same league that I know (2 work with me and one was an ex-coworker). Talk about a small world, eh? I was also just invited to go see an AHL (American Hockey League) game with a guy I have known for over a decade and his 2 kids. The guy is in a long-term relationship and his GF hates hockey and therefore, has invited me. If all parties agree and there is no drama, then whats the problem?[/COLOR][/COLOR][/COLOR]


The problem is that you are extremely vulnerable right now. You feel unappreciated, lonely, uncared for, unloved. The moment someone comes into your life who shows care and appreciation and makes you feel loved, you are going to start pushing your husband away. You are in the beginning of what we call "The Fog", where you begin having feelings for someone else and your judgement starts to get cloudy. You'll start rationalizing how what you're doing is ok. You'll start rationalizing how your husband is a jerk, how he never cared about you, how the marriage was a mistake. Then you'll start talking about "needing space" (ironic right?), about wanting to find yourself or needing to be free.

If you don't believe me, google infidelity and spend an hour or two reading, you're at the beginning.

Go on this forum to the infidelity section and read about how many married men or women with kids cheated on their spouses. See how many situations started off just like yours. With an innocent trip to the bowling alley or a hockey game. The fact this married man invited a woman in a troubled relationship for an evening out tells me his marriage is in trouble too.

All parties agreeing is beside the point. If your husband knew everything you typed here he would probably not be agreeing. Give your husband the benefit of the doubt. He's working two jobs to provide for you. He obviously cares about you. He deserves a chance to make you happy before you break his heart.

Here's the ultimate test. If you are REALLY so secure that what you're doing is right. Show your husband the thread and your post. If you continue your present course without doing that, you're lying to yourself.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Jen S said:


> I think these friendships are fine as long as you're careful. I've had a lot of guy friends over the years I've been married. Even nights out. I think as you say it makes someone feel human again sometimes. I also just enjoy male company a lot more than female company. My husband has been okay with it, though we've had an occasional problem if a guy tries to take things in another direction. But I deal with that by always being upfront with my husband so he doesn't have to worry.


I'm not going to be judgemental and say that no one should have friends or nights out with the opposite sex. But I would certainly say that no one should be doing that if they aren't satisfied in their relationship. In her case, she is clearly replacing a connection with her husband with connections from other people (men specifically).

I guarantee your husband would not be ok with you going out with another guy if you said everything she said earlier.


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

COguy said:


> I'm not going to be judgemental and say that no one should have friends or nights out with the opposite sex. But I would certainly say that no one should be doing that if they aren't satisfied in their relationship. In her case, she is clearly replacing a connection with her husband with connections from other people (men specifically).
> 
> I guarantee your husband would not be ok with you going out with another guy if you said everything she said earlier.


I hear what you're saying, and we have plenty of problems too. I'm not any better off than she is. But that feeling of getting something that is essentially a return to feeling good about yourself has some value, especially when there are marital problems. The benefit to her from that really can make a difference.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Jen S said:


> I hear what you're saying, and we have plenty of problems too. I'm not any better off than she is. *But that feeling of getting something* that is essentially a return to feeling good about yourself has some value, especially when there are marital problems. The benefit to her from that really can make a difference.


Then I would give you the same advice I gave her. You're headed down the wrong path and about to be in a train wreck. "That feeling" is called cheating. It happens when you receive something that should come from your spouse, from another person (affection, emotional support, physical attraction, good conversation, a fun time).

You can (wo)man up and address the problem, or you can keep doing what you're doing and end up in the infidelity forum sometime in the future. Go ahead and bookmark this thread so you can look back later and say, "That guy told me this would all happen but I didn't listen...I wish I would have before I caused so much excruciating pain and ruined so many lives."

You're not the first person to go through this. As people dealing with infidelity we can spot the warning signs. I trust them now more than anything else because I dismissed them when they were happening to me (my wife would NEVER do that to me!). Well my wife did.....and so will you. Not because you're a bad person, but because you are making bad decisions. They start with simple things, like a night out at the public bowling alley. They snowball until you are so deep in lies you don't even know what's the truth anymore.

When a group of people that get in a car accident tell you to slow down at the turn ahead, don't put the pedal to the medal and expect to come out OK.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Jen S said:


> I think these friendships are fine as long as you're careful. I've had a lot of guy friends over the years I've been married. Even nights out. I think as you say it makes someone feel human again sometimes. I also just enjoy male company a lot more than female company. My husband has been okay with it, though we've had an occasional problem if a guy tries to take things in another direction. But I deal with that by always being upfront with my husband so he doesn't have to worry.


WRONG!


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Wait a minute here, I am a little confused on some things that are being said.

Not everyone is going to be 100% satisfied in their marriage or relationship no matter how hard you try. That a given. I see no harm whatsoever going outside your marital relationship to find happiness in something you like to do. I like to bowl and just so happened to get together with an ex from over 20 years ago in a public place. At that bowling alley, it so happened that 3 other guys that I worked with (either I still do or did) were there and I also struck up conversations with them. So, I am suppose to avoid the only bowling alley in my rural area just because I might strike up conversations with other guys I know? Thats irrational!

Here is another example. I have a Harley Davidson 1200 custom and have been riding for a little over 6 years (before I even met my husband). My husband does not ride and is not interested in it. The people I ride with are mixed men and women. So you are telling me that because I ride and my husband does not that I am suppose to give that up? Give up male friendships (through that particular activity) I have known longer than my husband just because they are men? My DH chose to work overtime on Saturdays. If you think I am going to sit around the house all day and be his doormat while it is sunny and warm and I could be out riding with my friends, your wrong. Life is to short. Even my DH has told me time and time again that he does not expect me to end 20+ year friendships that I have had with other men just because we are married.

Now, I am one step ahead of you cause I know what your going to ask next. *Why did I marry a man for which we have nothing in common? *Well, we do. We both share the same religion which is huge and, unfortunately, is lacking in many marriages today. We also have many other interests we enjoy, but, when we do get together and do them, he ends up being to tired or he falls asleep. :wtf:

And please, don't get me wrong. For this underlying problem with his work situation HAS BEEN ADDRESSED. Some of these posts are implying that we have not discussed this when in fact, we have.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You're posting on a marriage forum, about your DISTANCED husband, how he doesn't spend time with you, and you're unhappy.

You're ASKING if it's ok to have male relationships outside of your marriage, which tells me something inside of you wonders if this is wrong.

There is a difference in, "I went bowling last night and had fun, my ex was at the bowling alley." And, "I went bowling with my ex and had so much fun, I never feel like that with my husband."

The rationalization is taking root, I can literally see it beginning here on this thread. You honestly can't see why this is a bad idea and how you're on the slippery slope? I have no vested interest in your marriage, why would I be warning you of impending doom if I didn't see the warning signs? They're all there staring you right in the face.

Rationalize it away all you want. You'll be back here in a few days/weeks/months asking for advice on how you should break it to your husband that you cheated on him, or how to deal with your new divorce. Might as well see a shrink now to get the depression meds, you'll need them when you see the look in his eyes that you just caused him the most intense pain of his life, and that you ruined his perception of you and all the future women in his life.

Or you could admit that what you're doing is fun and exciting because your marriage is on the verge, and that the decent thing to do is give your husband the tools to see how he's disappointing you. And if THAT doesn't work you can, like a grown-up, leave the marriage, and THEN pursue fun activities with your exes or other men.

You also need to FIND activities you like to do together, or you won't ever find long-term happiness. Religion isn't going to be enough unless you're out ministering to people together in your free time. If you have other activities you enjoy, DO THOSE. Make it clear that just sitting at home in your free time isn't exciting, and you don't want to put yourself in a situation where you have to spend time with single guys to enjoy yourself. That should get him off his ass pretty quickly.

I'm being harsh with you because I never want to see a person in the pain I was in. You are a good woman and you are married to a good provider. Do everything in your power to avoid the situation that is imminent. Do not take the easy route, it is fun and exciting but filled with horrible pain and guilt.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

STORMCHASER said:


> And please, don't get me wrong. For this underlying problem with his work situation HAS BEEN ADDRESSED. Some of these posts are implying that we have not discussed this when in fact, we have.


I stole this from another thread I wrote in, it probably applies here.

_The thing I noticed about a lot of women is that they'll easily articulate their needs to each other or other people, but use woman-speak in front of their husbands.

I wouldn't be surprised if your husband has no idea what you are after, even if you think you've made it clear to him. Why not try taking that paragraph you just wrote and putting it in a letter and seeing how he responds to it?

There's this thing about women that I don't understand. I dealt with it personally and then watched my wife's friend do the same thing to her husband. She wanted him to come home early from work and make her dinner and watch the kids so she could have a night off. I said, "Have you told him this?" and she said, "Yes all the time." I know that wasn't true because I had just gone out with her husband and he had NO CLUE what she was looking for. So I said, "How did you tell him?" and she responded, "I've been dropping hints for weeks." I asked her why she didn't just outright tell him specifically what she wanted and she said something to the effect of, "He should be getting it by now."

I can promise you that guys just aren't that smart. Maybe there's a few miracle men out there that could pick up on those subtle cues, but I know I and this man and probably your husband are not those guys. We men are simple folk, we communicate in direct messages with no emotion. If I ask Bobby to get me a wrench I say, "Hey dumbass, hand me the wrench." My wife would say something like, "It would be really nice if I could tighten this bolt..." and after I stared at her oddly, complain to her friends how "he just doesn't get it..."
_

Your husband is working two jobs to provide for you so you can have a good life. He WANTS you to go out and have fun, which means he cares about your happiness. I would bet you he has no idea that you're this upset or sad with your marriage. Write him a letter with specifics like I mentioned. See how he responds. Give him a chance to be a good husband.

If you don't feel like it, and you're still convinced you're right, show him this thread in entirety. My guess is you wouldn't because you know it would end your fun-time real quick.


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