# Confused, but hoping love exists.



## LifeBabyLove??? (Dec 27, 2008)

I am new at this but I truly don't know what else to do. I am tired of talking about my business with my mom and other family members because their advice is just always the same. I just had my first baby girl in September and I am sure you guys can do the math she is about 4 months old now. In these four months that have passed my husband has only touched me 4 times. I know that my body is different since I gave birth but its not just that. He looks at me differently as if I don't interest him anymore. . I keep on asking him if there is anything wrong but he shuts me down and tells me he is just not in the mood. I tell him that is letting me know that he doesn't desire me anymore. Sure I now have stretchmarks and my breasts are off limits since I am breastfeeding but other than that my weight is almost back to my normal so I know is not that. What is it then? It doesn't help me either that I stay at home all day with the baby while he works all day. We just moved to his hometown and things are just going down hill. I don't want to get a divorce or separate but he just doesn't let me know anything. What should I do? I am so anxious at times, I live on Tylenol because my stress level gives me daily headaches. I know he sees my up and down mood changes but it doesn't face him unless he sees tears in my eyes. He helps me little with the baby, and even though he knows my back is killing me he refuses to take the baby a bath every once in a while. Now that I don't work I feel powerless since I always have to ask him for money to do anything, so instead I stay in the house all day. I wish he would talk to me and let me know why he changed so drastically after our daughter was born. If I knew this was going to happen I would have stayed single and lived my life the way it was happy and shackle free. Don't get me wrong the love I have for my daughter is more than loving life itself but I hate to raise her in this tense unloving environment. What should I do? Please tell me something, anything?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well you know what you cant do. you cant get him to talk to you, you cant get him to touch you, you cant work, you cant always take care of the baby, you cant get him to help you as much as you feel you need, and you cant get your stress down. 

thinking about all that all the time is overwhelming.

its time to start thinking about what you can do. its so important to get your stress down right now. i know it seems like you need him to change to do that, but you have no control over him. read the above things of what you have been trying. its not working and your stress is skyrocketing. 

its time to start thinking of what you do have control over. yourself. he's not listening to you, not loving you like he should, and that hurts a lot. you'll have to accept the pain and not turn to him, unless you want to keep feeling this way. start searching for things that actually help, a higher power, friends, family, counseling, play groups. you'll still hurt b/c of your H's behavior, but you'll have more control over the level of stress and pain you experience.


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## LifeBabyLove??? (Dec 27, 2008)

Thanks, I sure needed to hear it from someone else of what I can and can't do. As a women we are wired to think that we can and should look for a way to control everything but the reality is that we can't. I did try talking to him and he laughed not hysterically but gave me a chuckled because in his mind there is nothing wrong with us. You are right though, I should stop keeping away from things that can be beneficial to me like church, friends, and family. The thing is that I don't have much of a family to talk to and I really don't want them to know all that goes on in this house, as for his side of the Family they are nosy already and I don't really have too much trust for them. But I Can go to Church and I Can vent here and to my friends. You are a great help thank you for taking the time to read my post, to be honest with you I have tried other websites and have not in the least got as much support as I have gotten from you. thanks again and happy holidays.:iagree:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Life said:


> The thing is that I don't have much of a family to talk to and I really don't want them to know all that goes on in this house, as for his side of the Family they are nosy already and I don't really have too much trust for them.


im glad i can help. this site has helped me a lot too. Its definitely a good idea not to share much with the fam. at least that has been my experience. just keep your mind open to other ways of getting comfort and support, though. right now you are really just searching for good feelings to take the place of all this bad you are feeling. it can come from little simple things, and not directly about talking about your problems. that's kind of why you want to stop turning to your H as much. that is just inviting more pain, which you do not need right now. you just want to invite as many good things in your life to offset the troubles with your H.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I know how being a SAHM can make you go crazy sometimes. Especially at first when new babies require so much and you are getting so little sleep. As you mentioned...go to church, join a mothers group (LIFESAVER!), just get yourself out there. We can get too needy when we depend on only our husbands for any outside stimulus.

I am not saying this is your fault though. He has to own up to what has changed. I know many new fathers go through a huge adjustment phase when babies arrive. Most are jealous of the time and attention the baby requires of the wife. Our H's are used to having almost all our attention before children come. It took him awhile but my H finally owned up to that. Then he had terrible guilt because he was jealous of our daughter for a time. Anyway...I have heard of some fathers seeing the birth of their child and not seeing the wife in a sexual way after that....he may see you as the mother to his daughter and not a sexual wife right now. Ask him if any of this is what is going on with him...tell him it is normal. If he still isn't willing to open up and offer any explanation to what has changed with him you should try counseling and have a third party help.


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## LifeBabyLove??? (Dec 27, 2008)

Thanks for all the support. Even though I have said that I am better I can't help but to feel down at times when I look at him and realize how different we are towards each other. I did ask him to be more affectionate and still it feels so awkward that I just can't take it at times. Gosh it has been so long that he has touched me like he used to that when we do have sex it feels like we don't even know one another. I don't think that it is the baby that is in the way I think that he just doesn't look at me like a woman anymore. I have asked him to be frank with me about our situation and it was a disaster, he chuckled at my questions and made me feel even worst. I ask him to make a resolution with me to make things better and he would not even bother to listen. I almost feel like I should listen to my mother and leave him but since I don't work right now I don't have the means to go. I just feel trapped. Church??? well I don't know if I can even get into it right now, I am going to try though. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to work so I can just do for myself and my little girl.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Life said:


> Even though I have said that I am better I can't help but to feel down at times when I look at him and realize how different we are towards each other.


This happened to me, too. when i moved with my H (boyfriend at the time) things changed between us. He hardly even looked at me. he was always going out with his coworkers and i just sat at home, alone. it was awful. 



Life said:


> I did ask him to be more affectionate and still it feels so awkward that I just can't take it at times.


I feel for you. i went through a couple of years of this. i know how confusing and hard it is. I dont know that anyone could feel good living in this situation. I've read a lot that a person cant make you feel anything, but i dont really think that is true. of course you will feel down and depressed in this situation. but if you can give yourself a light at the end of the tunnel, i think that is what helps. right now things are hard, but if there is some way to give yourself hope that it wont always be this way, then that is what will help you get through.


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## rag doll (Jan 4, 2009)

Maybe the two of you both need a break from the baby. It can't hurt to get away for a few hours. I guess men can get the baby blues too!


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## LifeBabyLove??? (Dec 27, 2008)

Maybe we do need a break, but I don't think its from the baby, I think we need to separate for a while maybe even get away from one another, I think I might just do that get away fro a while until we can communicate. Trust me I try everyday to talk about things so that we can come up with some sort of solution but his response was clear today, He basically said that our passion is gone, what to do about that??? I don't know but I don't want to continue living like this, we are going on 5 months almost and things seem to get worst. I don't want my baby to see me depressed all the time you know, so I think that I do need to get away for a while. Money and not having a job is my only obstable but its nothing that I haven't handled before. I don't want to feel like I am giving up too easily but I can only try to make things better, without his assistance my efforts are worthless. Thanks for your responses.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Having a baby is a huge transition for both of you. It takes time for you to get adjusted from being a couple to being a family. It takes time for you to heal from pregnancy and birth (yes, longer than 5 months). I think it's wonderful and amazing that you WANT anything physical with him - most women want nothing to do with their husbands for many months post baby.

You have a good attitude. Work on the things you can work on. Find a job if you must and get on your own two feet. You can try to get him to work on the relationship simultaneously, but you can't control that. BTW, consult your OB to assess for post-partum depression (since you mentioned extreme anxiety). You are most vulnerable to it at this time and with all the problems at home, it wouldn't be a surprise if you were suffering from it a bit. 

Men go through many changes when they have a child (just like we do) but it can have different effects and meanings to them. So I can appreciate that he might be going through all sorts of difficult and confusing emotions ... but his unwillingness to talk to or work on it is baffling.


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## LifeBabyLove??? (Dec 27, 2008)

I finally got him to talk and he has agreed to go to counseling with the priest who married us. We actually had a decent conversation today and he has admitted to being different in some aspects. He even finally said that the one reason why things seem a little cold in the bedroom is because our daughter sleeps with us still in the bed. I told him that we don't have to be in the same room as her if we fell intimate and he agreed to that. I know that our daughter can sleep by herself but I am so scared of SIDS that I keep her close to me plus I breastfeed her atleas 2-3 times a night still. I also gave in and told him that I will also try to be more patient now that I know that he was just feeling a little ignored since the baby gets all my time. He will be more affectionate from what he says and so far so good, we go to counseling this sunday so wish me good luck. Although I would have left in a heart beat I knew deep down that it would not have helped at all instead it would have created animosity between us. I am glad we actually talked some and hopefully with counseling we will get back to our normal selves soon. Thanks again for hearing me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im glad you two were able to talk. I hope things start going better for you all.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Life said:


> He even finally said that the one reason why things seem a little cold in the bedroom is because our daughter sleeps with us still in the bed.


I am so glad to hear he opened up about how he's been feeling. I believe it is quite common for both men and women to feel uncomfortable feeling intimate when the baby is in the room. You might want to think of ways to sneak in some alone time when the baby is napping in another room or if you have relatives look after her for a few hours. Most couples need to find more creative ways to have alone time once a baby comes along and I think what your husband is feeling is fairly common. If you take the initiative now that he's opened up, he will likely come around 

I wish you the best with your counseling session. Seeing things from each other's point of view is half the battle and it seems you've already made good progress there.


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