# Just have to vent



## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

I observe my wife in a distance putting her enervy and efforts into alot of things such as activities with my inlaws and her sister and trying to organize things at home. Including getting things ready for kids going back to school. One thing that she almost never reserves energy anx efforts is ... her relationship with me.....like going out some dates or spendinh alone time wth me and our sex life.....unless..unless....I become distant and somewhat cold and dont talk to her much. Then...only then....does her light bulb go on regard us. Only then will she ask me how come I havent touched her lately or why have I been real quiet. I have really come to realize where I stand... and im statting to resent her....alot. yes taking care of a household is alot of work....but what value does it hold if u dont nurture ur relationship with ur spouse. See'she can take the effort to train herself to wake up early and take kids to school or something...but cant say to herself.... I need to take at least 30mins and be with mu husband. Take the time to be physically intimate with my husband. Ur gonna ask me...have I talked to her about this? I have before....it dont matter anymore. Im not asking for much.....just very easy stuff....very simple stuff. I guess my silence and distance will be more understood by her than anything else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married? How old are the two of you?

You have a crisis in your marriage. But the problem is that only you know this.

So you need a new approach. You need to let her know that you feel to ignored and unloved that you are getting to the point where you do not care about her, your relationship with her and your marriage. You have to be firm, be clear that this is the beginning of the end if she will not join you to fix the marriage. If I were you I'd take the time to write it out so that you say exactly what you need to say. If you only do this in conversation then she can do things that will get the conversation off track.

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Reading them will help you figure out how to tell her what you need.

Ask her to go to marriage counseling with you. Also tell her that you need for her to read the two books above and work through the things that they tell you to do.

What sort of things do you do for yourself these days? Hobbies? Workout? ??


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Why don't you sit her down and in a very serious way tell her what you just told us. It was direct and to the point and there wasn't any kind of put downs on your part about her. 

I says that you have a lot of respect for her and acknowledge that she is a good parent but you to tell her that you need some of her time and affection and it would be greatly appreciated if you didn't have to go on a sulking spree for her to get the message. Let her know that you aren't happy and there needs to be some changes. After that, it's up to her.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

So, you have the time...to sit back and observe...while your WIFE takes care of every aspect of the family's needs.

Your wife isn't afforded such an option as you. You get to sit back, she gets to act.

Then, you put on your little pouty face and attitude that she now has to deal with also.

Why can't you be an active participant in your own life? Maybe she could relax and spend quality time with you if you just didn't dump all responsibility on her shoulders.

Why can't YOU say, hon, take a break, I got this for 30 minutes...

Yeah, simple stuff... So pull your share.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Revamped said:


> So, you have the time...to sit back and observe...while your WIFE takes care of every aspect of the family's needs.
> 
> Your wife isn't afforded such an option as you. You get to sit back, she gets to act.
> 
> ...


This is a very good point that I did not catch at first. Thanks for bringing it up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lordfire00,

Going with the thoughts that were raised above... why aren't you helping your wife with all the family activity?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

You're being passive aggressive and not only does that strategy not work it also makes you unattractive to your wife. Educate yourself how to ask and remind your wife to meet your needs and remember it is a process not an event. Good luck.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



Revamped said:


> So, you have the time...to sit back and observe...while your WIFE takes care of every aspect of the family's needs.
> 
> Your wife isn't afforded such an option as you. You get to sit back, she gets to act.
> 
> ...


First of all.....thanku for the replies. Now....i must have given u all the wrong perspective on my situation. Im not sittinh around and watchinh her do all the work. I also help her take of things around the house when im able to. I work nights...and i dont get ouy until late night..but on my days off...i help with house work..take out garbage...clean bathrooms..give kids baths....etc) what im refering to is....she doesnt take the idea....(let me set aside all these things for a little while and spend time with the hubby...and especially at night - let me be intimate with the hubby). Regardless of whatever is going on(unless emergancy)....i set time aside and give her time. I give her massages,..tell her....lets u and i go out to dinner at such and such place..and at night ..im the one who has to initiate sex.. I m talking about....there are women that no matter what....will put things aside to nurture their relationship with their man. I feel like she has taken our relationship for granted. She has forgotten how it is that we got to the point that we are at with each other. We gave time and effort and energy to each other. The priority to me is the relationship and then everything else.. My wife is a strong ...determined woman....she doesnt believe in any kind of counseling. She believes in just dealing with problems...the only thing really that is having trouble between us is...intimacy both emotional and physical. Weve been married for 14.5 yrs. We are both 36


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sounds like you've fallen into that same ol' trap so many of us fall into! 

May be time for a frank discussion of how you can effectively prioritize your relationship together when there's so much competing for your time and attention.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Well....apparently....she only cares about me being with her when when its like 1 am and shes half asleep....but no other time does she care. But when im trying to be intimate with her after i come home from work....shes fixated on watching tv on the kindle...there i am..just came home ...im changed....in husband -intimate mode ..i go by her and bam...does she put it down or to the side and just focus on us? Of course not...but if i stop touching her after a couple mins cuz shes on that thing and i decide to walk away....she starts saying...*where are you going? Stay here with me*.....(in my head - no screw u....thays more important than me). But if lets say shes really in the mood....oh man....does she know how to ignore that thing.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Tell your wife that you feel that you and your relationship are NOT a priority.

Tell her that unless this chances soon and fast, you are thinking about getting a divorce.

Personally, I would walk to walk too (assuming you feel that way of course).

One of the most important things in a relationship is being each others priority. And that means priority over kids, family, friends, job etc etc.

I would never date/be or remain married to a person that has wrong priorities......sorry.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

This morning i asked my wife before she got ready for work...whats going on with u? I just want to be with u. She replies ..im tired...i dont have time to cuddle like u want. But she had tine to watch some tv in the living room. Then i asked her..am i annoying u? She replies...yes u are....cuz ur always on me. But she didnt have a problem with me takjng time to give her a little massage early this morning. She woke up early to take a shower....she didnt even bother to wake me up when she got up ....so we could take a shower together. I feel like im the one whos emotiinally giving in this relationship and shes just taking.. When i was working 2 fulltime jobs and going to school a few years ago...she was complaining to me about giving her time.. So to give tine to my relationship with my wife...i dropped the classes. See how i prioritize our relatinship? So perhaps i should just not touch her or give her complete space for awhile...and when she asks why havent i touched her....ill just reply....u told me that ive been annnoying u. So im just giving u space


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

I almost feel like i should just start talking to another woman on an emotional level for awhile and just see what happens with my marriage. Thats how im feeling. But i value my relatiinship....as far as sex goed....that just went down the tubes for an unknown time


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Are you passive aggressive? Yes.

You can stop it.

Tips on Setting Boundaries in Enmeshed Relationships


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

lordfire00 said:


> Well....apparently....she only cares about me being with her when when its like 1 am and shes half asleep....but no other time does she care. *But when im trying to be intimate with her after i come home from work....shes fixated on watching tv on the kindle...there i am..just came home ...im changed....in husband -intimate mode ..i go by her and bam...does she put it down or to the side and just focus on us? Of course not...but if i stop touching her after a couple mins cuz shes on that thing and i decide to walk away....she starts saying...*where are you going? Stay here with me*.....*(in my head - no screw u....thays more important than me). But if lets say shes really in the mood....oh man....does she know how to ignore that thing.


Maybe you aren't giving her enough time to switch gears to intimacy mode. You just arrive home, change clothes and are _already _in "intimacy mode" but she is not. Maybe she needs more time to connect with you. Maybe her way of connecting is not by immediately responding to your initiating sex. Maybe she needs to sit and cuddle with you for a while, even if she is watching tv, and then the intimacy wheels will start turning. Maybe that's not how you are, but that is how she is.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Did you tell her how her actions (or lack of actions) is effecting your marriage?

I would straight up tell her that unless he makes you a priority and start showing you that she cares about you and provides companionship etc......you HAVE been thinking about divorce and will do it if it doesn't change.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Guys...why are you ignoring what the OP has said.
He has said repeatedly that he has told her about this issue and her response was that he was "annoying her". When you're in this situation you can talk about it until you're blue in the balls. She will NEVER realize what this means to the relationship because she doesn't care. Once someone admits to being annoyed by your advances there is no attraction there.

Either you move on or find fullfillment in other ways. There is no fixing her until she wants it. But dont hold your breath.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



sinnister said:


> Guys...why are you ignoring what the OP has said.
> He has said repeatedly that he has told her about this issue and her response was that he was "annoying her". When you're in this situation you can talk about it until you're blue in the balls. She will NEVER realize what this means to the relationship because she doesn't care. Once someone admits to being annoyed by your advances there is no attraction there.
> 
> Either you move on or find fullfillment in other ways. There is no fixing her until she wants it. But dont hold your breath.


I think ur right....im just gonna have to step back some and see what happens


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## Finder (Aug 12, 2014)

Revamped said:


> So, you have the time...to sit back and observe...while your WIFE takes care of every aspect of the family's needs.
> 
> Your wife isn't afforded such an option as you. You get to sit back, she gets to act.
> 
> ...


How do you have any idea if he pulls his share or not?? You're siding with his wife without getting any information about the situation. He even said that she does plenty of activities with her family and sister but not him, so it looks like she has enough time for it.
This post is so biased it's ridiculous.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some women/men need a wake-up call as to how their spouse truly feels. Will she go to counseling with you?


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



Openminded said:


> Some women/men need a wake-up call as to how their spouse truly feels. Will she go to counseling with you?


She doesn't believe in that. This morning she told me that she doesn't appreciate how I'm treating her just because she won't have sex with me and I told her I'm just trying to be with her. And her response was don't you see I'm under a lot of pressure? There is just a lot of issues on her side that she will not talk to me about. that's part of the probem.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

lordfire00 said:


> She doesn't believe in that. This morning she told me that she doesn't appreciate how I'm treating her just because she won't have sex with me and I told her I'm just trying to be with her. And her response was don't you see I'm under a lot of pressure? There is just a lot of issues on her side that she will not talk to me about. that's part of the probem.


Ouch! I'm sure you realize she's making excuses. You just aren't a priority any more. 

You have to figure out why, and if it's something you are or aren't doing then you have to change. On the other hand, you say she has many issues, so that's relevant, too. 

You have to tell her that all of your issues (yours and hers) have to be brought out in the open and dealt with or your marriage is doomed. 

If you don't, you'll just get a never ending litany of lame excuses that are designed to avoid responsibility and/or pin the blame on you. Good luck!


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

I officially consider myself being placed at the end of the street. Not the side seat...not the back seat...not even the trunk....but down the street. How can someone honestly treat their spouse like this. U was at the hospital seeing her dad ...(long story)...so i call her...she tells me she will call me back...shes getting ready to leave...so i give her some time....nothing...i call her back again...she tells me again....i told u i will call u back...im getting ready to leave...nothing yet. Call me....tell me...im afraid of this or that...or im worried of this or that....norhing...no call back. Im officially depressed and heart broken. Im sorry....but ...my wife acting like this with me..makes me feel that she dont even care that i exist.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

This situation is so bad now...that i have to look at my wifes text messages without her knowledge.. Just to find out that her dad is in bad shape. She has not once told me that...she feels sad or depressed or anything. Just that shes under alot of pressure....and this is taking a heavy toll in our relationship. Ive become depressed and very hurtful,.because of her lack of emitional expression to me.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

When u dony communicate to your spouse like this scenario...it makes them feel unwanted....like u dont need them anymore. My advice....dont do this kind of treatment.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

I understand your position and problems, but you come across as very whiny, clingy and needy. 

You are not without choices you know. 

Time to man up and make some.

Go check out NO MORE MR NICE GUY. 

It may change your life.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Last night my wife and i got into a little argument where she said that i have and obsession problem of wanting to be with her of every minute of the day... And its really annoying her. She said...that shes not mad at me....just very annoyed and if it continues that shes pretty much at the point that shes going to leave.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> This is a very good point that I did not catch at first. Thanks for bringing it up.



Within reason. 

Part of the reason we have zero time together is that my wife stretches any task into time available. To avoid having time together and energy for - you guessed it -....


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Seeing this response ...also brngs up that she had told me last night that i wasnt being a husband lately and i havent eally spent time with our kids. She told me that normally i would be doing my own thing and stuff. I told her...u usually tell me that im not giving u time and when i do...u normally dont complain. All i want is to be with u. Be emotiinally connected with u. She told me...that i havent been this bad. Ive just been yearning to be very affectionate with her...and shes has not been showing interest in being like that with me lately. She thinks part of the problem is that im acting like this because i want sex. Ok...so i want sex....but i want an emotional connection with my wife more. And she told me...if its about the sex...than ..u can go find someone else to be with. Is she just shutting me out or what? I told also told her that im not trying to do things that bother her or push her away. Part of the statement that she made to me was...*im here in the house with u...im not going anywhere* i can tell u one thing for sure....when i went to bed....i was crying my heart out.....i dont know what the deal is with this sudden attachment with her. I just have this huge fear right now about losing her. That im fearing of doing something that pushes her away from me


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

lordfire00 said:


> Last night my wife and i got into a little argument where she said that i have and obsession problem of wanting to be with her of every minute of the day... And its really annoying her. She said...that shes not mad at me....just very annoyed and if it continues that shes pretty much at the point that shes going to leave.


I don't know, dude. It sounds like you hound her to have sex. You're annoyed because she's not spreading 'em and she's annoyed that all you EVER think about.

I know, IDEALLY, you probably want sex every day. But to her, it becomes a chore. Just something that needs to be done that day, like laundry and dishes. It gets tedious and just plain boring. You figure if you help out with chores, she'll have the time for that one last chore, having sex with you. But by now, she's mentally and probably physically tired and says no.

So, you are right, she does consider you low on the totem pole of chore list. And so, I gotta ask, REALISTICALLY, how many times a week do you feel she should stop everything else going on in her life to have sex with you? Realistically, will she agree and follow through with an arbitrary number you throw at her?

I don't think sex is your marriage's issue. It's coming to a head about sex, but it really isn't. You two do not connect. There's no spark, no mental intamacy, no affection going on here. On both sides. The most you pester her about sex, the more she shuts you down.

That has to stop. You're both telling each other the same thing but neither one of you are "hearing" the other. I think counseling should have to come into play now. Someone has to teach both of you how to stop digging in your heels and be an active participant in the marriage. She needs to learn how to put the relationship first and you need to learn there's more to a relationship than sex.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



Revamped said:


> I don't know, dude. It sounds like you hound her to have sex. You're annoyed because she's not spreading 'em and she's annoyed that all you EVER think about.
> 
> I know, IDEALLY, you probably want sex every day. But to her, it becomes a chore. Just something that needs to be done that day, like laundry and dishes. It gets tedious and just plain boring. You figure if you help out with chores, she'll have the time for that one last chore, having sex with you. But by now, she's mentally and probably physically tired and says no.
> 
> ...


Based on ur response....i think she might have a set way of how she wants a relationship with *her* to be..and she will do almost anything...including to end this one...to have it her way. Im not saying she needs to drop everything and be intimiate and sexu with me all the time. Im simply asking to find or set sometime for her and i to be together without interruption. Im not asking for a whole day or anything....im just asking for a couple hrs a couple times during the week. Both emotionally and when possible physically. Im trying to walk in her shoes to know where she is coming from. Im just really hurting emotionally rigjt now....and trying to figure out what has set all this off.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Ok, I'm hearing you. And I counter with....

How about setting a goal of spending just 15 minutes with each other to reconnect? It could be first thing in the morning before you guys get out of bed. With no expectation of sex, a time where you both say what the game plan of the day is, how you both will accomplish that goal and reiterate what happened yesterday that was successful or still needs worked on.

And do this every day, without fail. 

I think you both have the same goals in mind but it gets lost in the shuffle when communication breaks down. This is just one way to reconnect, there are many other ways too that might work better for the both of you.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Well here is an interesting scenario of something that happened last week....the week before last weekend. On one of those days....i spent a couple hrs with one of my daughters and my son playing a video game.... My wife then comes to my sons bedroom door and ask me..*are u going to give me anytime*...so there is kinda a tug of war with her. Its like everything has to be completely on her level..no matter what. Well that hurts.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How old are your kids?
If I were you, I would spend more time with them, playing sports, doing homework, not x-box.

Get in good shape. 

Be cheerful and independent. Don't hang around your wife. Stop initiating sex. If she wants it, by all means, but don't be needy.

Does your wife work?

Can you change shifts?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lordfire00 said:


> Seeing this response ...also brngs up that she had told me last night that i wasnt being a husband lately and i havent eally spent time with our kids. She told me that normally i would be doing my own thing and stuff. I told her...u usually tell me that im not giving u time and when i do...u normally dont complain. All i want is to be with u. Be emotiinally connected with u. She told me...that i havent been this bad. Ive just been yearning to be very affectionate with her...and shes has not been showing interest in being like that with me lately. She thinks part of the problem is that im acting like this because i want sex. Ok...so i want sex....but i want an emotional connection with my wife more. And she told me...*if its about the sex...than ..u can go find someone else to be with.* Is she just shutting me out or what? I told also told her that im not trying to do things that bother her or push her away. Part of the statement that she made to me was...*im here in the house with u...im not going anywhere* i can tell u one thing for sure....when i went to bed....i was crying my heart out.....i dont know what the deal is with this sudden attachment with her. I just have this huge fear right now about losing her. That im fearing of doing something that pushes her away from me





lordfire00 said:


> Well here is an interesting scenario of something that happened last week....the week before last weekend. On one of those days....i spent a couple hrs with one of my daughters and my son playing a video game.... My wife then comes to my sons bedroom door and ask me..*are u going to give me anytime*...so there is kinda a tug of war with her. Its like everything has to be completely on her level..no matter what. Well that hurts.


No advice, just two observations. First, the part in bold is a red flag. Second, she's doing the old push-pull.

Actually, I do have some advice. Go to your doctor and have your hormone levels checked, particularly testosterone. I'm not trying to be insulting here but your reactions as you describe them are atypical.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



LongWalk said:


> How old are your kids?
> If I were you, I would spend more time with them, playing sports, doing homework, not x-box.
> 
> Get in good shape.
> ...


Thanku for reply..
Kids ages from oldest to youngest - 11, 8, 7, soon to be 3


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



Nucking Futs said:


> No advice, just two observations. First, the part in bold is a red flag. Second, she's doing the old push-pull.
> 
> Actually, I do have some advice. Go to your doctor and have your hormone levels checked, particularly testosterone. I'm not trying to be insulting here but your reactions as you describe them are atypical.


Thanks for reply....
Interesting...ur saying i could be *hormonal* somehow ? And im not insulted in any way. I just wasnt aware that a guy could be hormonal.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Men can have a hormone imbalance. T is obviously a male hormone and then there are thyroid hormones that can be out of balance. Getting everything checked is always a good idea just to be sure.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lordfire00 said:


> Thanks for reply....
> Interesting...ur saying i could be *hormonal* somehow ? And im not insulted in any way. I just wasnt aware that a guy could be hormonal.


One of the possible symptoms of low t is getting emotional. It just kind of jumped out at me that you went to bed and cried after that talk with your wife when I would have expected anger. 

I understand that part of the problem you're having is that you want to have sex with your wife and that would imply that you have a normal t level but 37% of men with low t have no decrease in sex drive. There are serious health problems that can develop from low t so it's worth getting checked.

And if this is hormonal on your part then you stand virtually no chance of fixing your problem until you get back on an even keel.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since your wife's father is in a bad way, please lay off your wife with the "what about me" routine. She would probably appreciate a shoulder to lean on but is afraid it would require the two of you getting naked. 

Some people can't imagine being intimate when they've got a major concern on their mind.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Well i can honestly say..im taking everyones input into consideration...and using it at the appropriate times. Like this evening we had sil and bil over with kids....little ones messed up living room. I didnt say anything to wife while we were sitting on couch watching tv...i simply got up....and started picking up the living room.,swept floor and mopped it. Took out garbage...done. I also gave her a leg and foot massage.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

But just feeling depressed and unloved. Who cares.,


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Well Lordfire the only thing I can see that this thread is missing is Mach telling you about the "Golden Ratio", asking how much you are getting hit on by other women, do you work out, blah, blah, blah (all code for "Hey guy you're a big pu$$y"). 

Some of his points are quite valid and you do need to take a look at yourself because she likely just isn't into the guy you are now (Not saying that is right just saying that is the way it is).

Quit worrying about her and get on with your life. Focus on the kids and your hobbies and friends. Be courteous but do not be whiny, wimpy and do not cry in front of her...........ever.

Look up the 180 and implement it now and begin to prepare yourself with a life that does not involve her directly.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Your wife does not respect you and is not attracted to you. You need to to a forum search for MEM's thermostat thread. It will explain a lot. What it comes down to is the partner that needs the relationship less holds more power. Give it a read. 

Also read Married Man Sex Life Primer. Not as if it is a bible but it will give you a great start. 

Women are not attracted to needy and clingy. They are attracted to strength. 

I went through some very similar things with my wife and had to find my balls again. We are doing much better and have gone from once a month early this year to several times per week.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Far, how about linking your thread for him?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Here you go, although it feels a little like shameless self promotion...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?t=190002

It is a marathon, but maybe it can help you.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Question....my wife had told me yesterday during a fight that she loves me but is not in love with me. What does this mean? And if really bad....is it fixable?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

One of the common causes of that statement is because she has a boyfriend. Have you checked that all out?

Otherwise, you seem like a hot mess, to be honest. Have you looked at the "Married Mans Sex Life Primer"?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

She doesnt have a boyfriend.....but her best friend that ive known since i met my wife is gay


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

This is the stuff she told me when we were fighting....im acting different because shes not having sex with me...im not a man....i dont care about our kids....i treat her parents like garbage....shes only with for the kids sake....


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Now after the fight...and we cooled down....i walked up to her...she was sitting at computer and i started massaging her shoulders....shortly after she said to me ...*i have been under alot of stress. Then we were taking care of something..and then she asked me to do something for her and as im walking away...she said to me....things can be fine between us ..but u have to know when to quit and leave me alone. Im guessing by this part...shes just telling me that she just needs some space to recompile herself. Cuz this morning...we were doing ok..


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

This morning....we were cleaning our kids rooms as a team...talking nicely with each other. I asked her if she wanted me to massage her feet...she replied - if u want to (which i did) after wards she asked me to rub her neck....so slowly i think things are easying off. I think she been feeljng that i dont take leadership in oir marriage...(too long of a story on this)....but i can say this... Before she left the house to take care of somethings....she did come up to me and give me a kiss...it didnt have much feeling to it...but im guessing this can be a positive sign perhaps.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lordfire00 said:


> This morning....we were cleaning our kids rooms as a team...talking nicely with each other. I asked her if she wanted me to massage her feet...she replied - if u want to (which i did) after wards she asked me to rub her neck....so slowly i think things are easying off. I think she been feeljng that i dont take leadership in oir marriage...(too long of a story on this)....but i can say this... Before she left the house to take care of somethings....she did come up to me and give me a kiss...it didnt have much feeling to it...but im guessing this can be a positive sign perhaps.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Are u telling me to pack my bags?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lordfire00 said:


> Are u telling me to pack my bags?


Who, me? No, I'm not telling you to pack your bag. I posted that image alluding to your actions as kind of a slow motion accident, one we can see coming but can't do anything about. But I don't need to tell you to pack your bags, the way you're going she's going to tell you that herself.

Quit rubbing her feet and massaging her. She's lost attraction for you and you're making it worse with your submissive behavior. 

And make an appointment with your doctor. I'm thinking you're at 200 or less.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

I know its been awhile since ive posted anything on here. Thats because ive been trying to deal with different things and ive been busy. I do have to say one thing though. Facebook is evil to a marriage or relationship. I was giving my wife a little massage, and she must have gone in and out of her facebook at least 6 times within 10 to 15 mins. To shed some light on other issues between wife and i, the connection between my wife and i has really changed. When she tells me certain things...i no longer trust her. My self esteem has gone down hill. Im just riding out the rest of the year and just see what happens next year. My sex performance has even been affected pyschologically. Im filled with resentment for several reasons. My wife got what she wanted, our relationship has become extremely wesk. We cant even have sex without seeing the aggravated look on her face.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Did you ever get your testosterone levels checked?

Are you willing to get a divorce if your wife doesn't change in her behavior to you?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I am sorry to hear that things aren't getting any better. I am sure that you know by now that massaging or sex isn't going to fix this.

lordfire, you are being too clingy...meaning, you are too cued into your wife...as if your whole identity is based around how she thinks about you and how she treats you.

Step 1: IMMEDIATELY STOP anything that your wife doesn't seem to value...that means sex and massages. If you are getting a pretty clear indication that your physical interactions are annoying her...then stop them all together. It sounds like you desire that emotional/physical closeness, but for now start living like you don't need or want anything like that from her. No more begging or passive pleas for sex. Just stop.

Step 2: Give wife emotional and physical space. STOP HOVERING, being moody, being whiny, being passive aggressive (being mad and pissy but not really manning up to say or do anything about it). No more taking three steps ahead to anticipate her needs. No more trying to play relationship chess, or assuming what she wants, or making everything about her. That behavior is ultimately controlling behavior and you need to stop trying to control how she thinks about you and focus on yourself. "Hey! I'm not being controlling!" Yes you are. Get over it. When we do everything we can to not get our spouse upset, to make sure they don't get mad, or forget about you, or deny you sex...when we passively try try try without being direct about it...just being observant and anxious and trying to adjust her mood so everything will feel nice and you will get sex...THAT'S MANIPULATION...CONTROLLING!! This is one reason why your wife can't breathe in the relationship

Step 3: GET A LIFE! Meaning, go out there and start doing, exploring, studying, reading, watching, learning, going to gym, learning a martial art, taking a college course, updating your style, updating hairstyle...NOT FOR HER, BUT FOR YOU!!!! Get in touch with what you like and what you don't like!! WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? Get some questions answered about yourself WITHOUT needing your wife's input!!! This is important if you want your wife to start believing in you again.

Step 4: SET BOUNDARIES. This means, knowing what you stand for and having SELF-RESPECT. You are a man with value and is worthy to be treated with respect. Fist you must do that for yourself...and that means STOP BREAKING PROMISES THAT YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF! Once you follow step 3...which is developing your individual identity, then step 4 is about protecting that identity...making sure that it isn't sacrificed, erased, disrespected, or reprioritized. Demand that YOU respect YOURSELF and then expect (note I didn't say demand here) that you are treated with respect. This includes your wife. Do not give your power away to your wife...which leads us to...

Step 5: GROW A PAIR. If your wife is rude, demeaning, disrespectful, snide, contemptuous...do not accept it. IN FACT, do not even recognize the existence of her foul moods or sneers. AS OF NOW, her belittling remarks are powerless against you, they mean nothing...they bounce off of you. Do not react, get angry, yell, cry, cringe, shout, get butthurt...anything that shows that her pissy words and attitude is even worthy of deserving a reaction. Just reside in your manly power like a glorious king looking at a court jester make a fool of herself. Do not hold a grudge, but be swift to forgive and to move on. You do not get any points for hanging onto past hurts and holding them over her head. GET OVER IT. 

*If she starts to see you change when you follow the above steps...she will check to make sure that you aren't trying to fool her...so don't get tricked into flipping out when she does some things to test just how much you actually changed. If you stick it out and grow into boldness and courage, she may actually start to let her guard down. Don't be stupid by being a controlling codependent anymore. Nothing will raise her shields and close her legs faster than an insecure man-child, begging his wife to behave and to please, oh please have sex!*

Step 6: BE DECISIVE. I have learned from my own studies that this is the hallmark of manhood. Look at your options and make your choice. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE RIGHT!!! Sure take in your wife's counsel, but it is important to not always let her decide everything either...SHE WILL DESPISE YOU. "Yeah, but she won't ever let go of control!!!" This may be true..which is why you follow the steps and be courageous...as she is going to fight you (not because she wants all the power, but because she does not trust you and is scared for her safety). Just follow step 5, but be a loving, considerate, and listening LEADER. "Well how do I know what decision to make?" KNOW THYSELF!!!!! Look at steps 3 & 4. You see what needs to be decided, do not procrastinate to make a choice, take in all of the best info and options, make the choice and lead your family through it, and MAN UP with the consequences...if things go bad, make adjustments, apologize if necessary, but down cower or throw a tantrum...just make corrections and move forward again. And if the consequences are good consequences, then be proud of yourself...which leads us to last step.

STEP 7: BE CONFIDENT!! Whatever you lacked in your nurturing, whatever you see in your nature as less than perfect...forget about it. Be the confident leader in your family. Yes it is tough facing your fears, facing the look of your wife's disapproval, or being rejected for sex...where you are so addled with doubt and rejection that you lose your confidence and get discouraged...collapsing under performance anxiety. This is very real. Yet, in spite of the realities of where your marriage is at, stand up and shake it off. DO NOT look at what you have in terms of what it means personally. NONE of these things affect your intrinsic value. The crap life you see around you are simply fruits of your labor, nothing more. I guarntee that of you do differnt things you will get different results. I am sure you have noticed by now that everything you are presently doing more of, like being better husband, cook, scheduler, father, massager, empathetic sex partner, servant, doormat...all of the extra work is MAKING IT WORSE. YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE! So stop. Follow the steps. I am not a professional...so maybe get more info from books like No More Mr. Nice Guy...or The Married Man Sex Life Primer. Oh, and speaking of sex, you should never have to beg for it. Follow the steps...bringing you into confidence...full confidence...and if it isn't too late, if a part of your wife still wants to work on things...then hopefully you will see a change where your wife will be waiting for you to take her sexually...take what belongs to you. I think this is a very scary area for nice guys, but your wife is showing behavior which is very common to us you have no self-respect...we turn our wives off. They aren't attracted. Do the steps and hopefully you will get her attention and actually see a miraculous change in how she treats you.

Hope this helps...as I wrote this up fast...I just saw this thread and saw that you are replaying stuff like a broken record. Change it. Tell us what you are doing about it. No more excuses and being powerless.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Ill tell u all something, im thinking that perhaps the change that happened to me (for the bad -like depression), happened because of me working alot of hrd back in august, and seeing through facebook and all, the pics of my wife enjoying our life without me in all the events, caused me to start to feel lonely. It became to the point where she basically got use to it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's a good possibility that's part of it.

Do you think your wife would go to marriage counseling with you?


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



EleGirl said:


> It's a good possibility that's part of it.
> 
> Do you think your wife would go to marriage counseling with you?


No...she wont. She is the kind of person that wont admit her faults.

My wife has the key to me becoming happy again...all it would take from her is....consistant affection, sexual intimacy, some admiration, sayjng i love u frequently and wanting to spemd some time with me. She really, really really slowed down on all this.,and its caused me to become depressed, insecure and question everything at this point. Jealousy has even stepped in alot.

What bothers me is how she doesnt see, this is what has caused the problem.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

U know the look from the movie star wars *revenge of the sith, where anakin pledges himself to the sith? Thats how i look now, and thats kind of how i feel inside now


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

lord:

I think exercising any leverage with her will require you making up your mind to divorce her in the near future. and you should turn all that questioning toward her. stop questioning yourself...where you went wrong....and start questioning her be havior A LOT more. my guess on where you went wrong is marrying her in the first place.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

So what was your T number?


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



Nucking Futs said:


> So what was your T number?


I dont even remember, id have to check again


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lordfire00 said:


> I dont even remember, id have to check again


That's ok, I'll wait.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Im planning a date night or date evening for my wife and. Hopefully it happens and is some success


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

What do the t-levels do


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lordfire00 said:


> What do the t-levels do


Higher T-levels result in behavior that makes you more attractive.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



Nucking Futs said:


> Higher T-levels result in behavior that makes you more attractive.


Oh,


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Well, i just found out by my wife that my plans for us for our date night might be interupted. Well, if this date night falls through, thats it. Im totally done with planning stuff. Her reply was, we will figure it out. Yea, whatever.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

I feel like just kidsing another woman, and see how it feels. Maybe thats what i need. To just kiss another woman and see how i feel


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

The most valuable gift a husband and a wife can give each other is time. Uninterrupted , concentrated 1 on 1 time. No phone, tv, kids, nothing. Just each other.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

You really need to get a grip sir. Counseling for you now. Forget about your wife. You are in quicksand and you are in to deep to recognize it. I was in the same place you are 2 years ago. You want to know what changed? ME!

Quit feeling sorry for yourself. You have to find yourself again. Man up dude. Get a hobby, spend quality time with your kids (away from your wife), find somewhere in town to volunteer. Make yourself stronger by forgetting about yourself. Stop wallowing in the mire. It is really unattractive to your SO.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



RClawson said:


> You really need to get a grip sir. Counseling for you now. Forget about your wife. You are in quicksand and you are in to deep to recognize it. I was in the same place you are 2 years ago. You want to know what changed? ME!
> 
> Quit feeling sorry for yourself. You have to find yourself again. Man up dude. Get a hobby, spend quality time with your kids (away from your wife), find somewhere in town to volunteer. Make yourself stronger by forgetting about yourself. Stop wallowing in the mire. It is really unattractive to your SO.


All i have been asking from my wife for awhile, is some alone time together. Uninterrupted. Is that too much to ask


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

For the record....i am going to be going to counseling, havent had a chance to setup for appt. But i will be going.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Well, just found out that my wife is prepairing for my father in laws death...he is officially being placed on hospice. I have offered my help to her...she told me that she is dealing with it. Man...this year sucks. First a heavy load of marital problems and now this. I told my wife that im here for her. So only time will tell on the coming future. I will be surprised if her dad makes till new years.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

I was right about how long one of my uncles would last before their death, and i believe i could be right about this as well


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

I officially announce the passing of my father in law.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



lordfire00 said:


> I officially announce the passing of my father in law.


Sorry brother. Will keep you and your wife in my prayers.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

I cant believe how cold my wife has become with me. She use to love me being affectionate with her, now she complains that im doing to much. Thats because im craving for affection from her. Well, im thinking that this may be the end of our relationship. I never imagined my wife turning cold like this with me. Its very hard to try and let go. I understand her father just passed away. And the bond between her gay friend and her has strengthened inmensly. How do i just move on? I want to be happy. I want to have someone in my life that im happy with . i have lots of fear of letting go. Afraid that i wont find someone else, and just knowing that my wife truely doesnt love me anymore just hurts alot.


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## shalom_82 (Nov 23, 2014)

That's really sad. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm actually new to this site and this happens to be my very first post. From what I read at the very beginning of this thread and then skipping to the most recent... I relate a lot to both you and your wife. I see a lot of my husband and I in you two and your story. I don't want to get too preachy considering how you are feeling right now, but I hope that what I do say is helpful. That's why you're on here right? In my opinion, most people have an innate fear that they are unworthy of love, so when their relationships go through lulls (such as where you were at the beginning of this thread) it can bring out some of the most awful emotions and trigger all sorts of behaviors that really don't express the best sides of that person. I'm guessing that you and your wife are stressed out by lots of things that life has to offer, so you aren't your best aside from a relationship crisis. Personally, it's so hard for me when the honeymoon period ends in a relationship. I feel like my life loses meaning and purpose. But it doesn't. Life really is the same, and there are lots of wonderful things in life. And you are worthy of being loved, and your wife is too. From the very beginning of your thread, I imagined how hard your wife works day in and day out to provide for her family, and I know how it's hard to unwind and switch gears. Taking care of my daughter and the household on top of a full-time job leaves me so little time that sometimes I just want some me time. I know that my husband feels the same that you do but I really am incapable of doing more, and what I hear is that it is so very important (to you and probably my husband too) for women like myself to change the priorities, that life is too short and my relationships will suffer if I keep going like this, but I have to say... I have a lot of anxiety and fears about slowing down on my workload. I feel like my world will fall apart, and it's taken me years to recognize that the cause of these irrational fears affect my life and relationships in negative ways. And it's caused by very common childhood experiences, like divorce and a parent with substance dependencies and all of the shortcomings of my loved ones. So, please hang in there and hold onto some hope and know deep down that you and your wife deserve to be happy and loved. You really can get through these tough times... On another note, I really wish that my husband posted things like what you have posted on this site. I think it shows that you are in touch with your feelings and good at expressing them, which is such an AWESOME thing in any relationship! It really will help you work through things with your wife.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



shalom_82 said:


> That's really sad. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm actually new to this site and this happens to be my very first post. From what I read at the very beginning of this thread and then skipping to the most recent... I relate a lot to both you and your wife. I see a lot of my husband and I in you two and your story. I don't want to get too preachy considering how you are feeling right now, but I hope that what I do say is helpful. That's why you're on here right? In my opinion, most people have an innate fear that they are unworthy of love, so when their relationships go through lulls (such as where you were at the beginning of this thread) it can bring out some of the most awful emotions and trigger all sorts of behaviors that really don't express the best sides of that person. I'm guessing that you and your wife are stressed out by lots of things that life has to offer, so you aren't your best aside from a relationship crisis. Personally, it's so hard for me when the honeymoon period ends in a relationship. I feel like my life loses meaning and purpose. But it doesn't. Life really is the same, and there are lots of wonderful things in life. And you are worthy of being loved, and your wife is too. From the very beginning of your thread, I imagined how hard your wife works day in and day out to provide for her family, and I know how it's hard to unwind and switch gears. Taking care of my daughter and the household on top of a full-time job leaves me so little time that sometimes I just want some me time. I know that my husband feels the same that you do but I really am incapable of doing more, and what I hear is that it is so very important (to you and probably my husband too) for women like myself to change the priorities, that life is too short and my relationships will suffer if I keep going like this, but I have to say... I have a lot of anxiety and fears about slowing down on my workload. I feel like my world will fall apart, and it's taken me years to recognize that the cause of these irrational fears affect my life and relationships in negative ways. And it's caused by very common childhood experiences, like divorce and a parent with substance dependencies and all of the shortcomings of my loved ones. So, please hang in there and hold onto some hope and know deep down that you and your wife deserve to be happy and loved. You really can get through these tough times... On another note, I really wish that my husband posted things like what you have posted on this site. I think it shows that you are in touch with your feelings and good at expressing them, which is such an AWESOME thing in any relationship! It really will help you work through things with your wife.


Thanks for ur reply. Unfortunately, i dont think things may pan out for my wife and ii in the future. What i have learned about my wife is that, shes a manipilator. So im trying to find my inner self and take away her power.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Look Lord, you will NEVER change her, you can not make her love you, she can only do that herself...love yourself first and foremost, and if that self love requires you to be apart from her, then so be it, I am sorry at the passing of your father in law, but that does not change the dynamic of your relationship with your wife...the only chance you have right now, is to separate from her and become your own man, lead your own life without her and see if she comes to you, if she doesn't then at least you are a step further then you are today. otherwise a year from now you'll be talking again how you wife shows no affection for you. let her either earn your respect or your departure from the marriage and find someone who will love you and want you.


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## shalom_82 (Nov 23, 2014)

I think it's great that you are working on your inner self... and I'm hoping that when you say you want to take away her power, that what you really mean is that you want to empower yourself in your relationship with her. I don't really like to hear that a person is actively seeking to take power away from another person. It sounds unhealthy... Best of luck to you in finding happiness.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Today we got into a turning fight that i believe is going to cause a separation of us next year. At this point she has lost respect for me, not only love. I have come to terms with my inner self and am slowly accepting that its over. I do know that there is some chance of reconciliation in the future for us. But i have to rebuild myself and thats not going to be easy. Maybe this is gods way of telling me that he has a better plan for me and that i needed this as a test for myself. Thats my guess. I do know that in our fight today, she partly blamed her fathers death on me. Maybe she is venting the anger and the hurt of her fathers death on me. In anyway, im taking this as a sign that its time for me to shutdown of her and move on with myself.


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## shalom_82 (Nov 23, 2014)

That sounds like you are thinking clearly and know exactly what you need to do, also that it will be hard but you can get through it. That takes such inner strength and resolve. Not everyone is up to the task. And yes, I completely agree that her blaming you for her father's passing is just one of the ways she is processing that loss and her grief.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

I just keep running over and over in my head yesterdays mishap...and what my side of family told me. I asked her today if we could possibly workout it out between, that i really wanted to work it out. Her reply was , now is not the time for us to discuss it(shes sick today) and nor is it anytime soon. I had told her before leaving to work that i love her. She had told me that things were not ok between us. That things were fine until i did what i did yesterday (im guessing start an argument or try to talk about it.) Well i told her before leaving that i wasnt saying things are ok, cu i know they are not. All i know is that, i have stepped back alot at this point, and are just letting things calm down and slowly unfold. But slowly , very slowly im accepting that this just could be the end. She is riding out the rest of the school year and then maybe move out. If she does, Im just going to accept it the best i can.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

She did say that we both need to be on our own and if we are meant to be together, than we will get back together in the future. If we do split up, im just going to focus on fixing me and rebuilding me. As well as being with my kids. And perhaps her and i will come back together in the future. It is very hard to accept though.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

I just thought of something, if we do split up, and she starts wondering what im doing, especially after awhile, thats a sign that she really does still love me deep inside.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lordfire00 said:


> I just thought of something, if we do split up, and she starts wondering what im doing, especially after awhile, *thats a sign that she really does still love me deep inside.*


No it's not. I occasionally wonder about people I went to high school with, people I knew in the Army, people I went to college with, etc. I don't love any of them, it's just an occasional stray idle thought. 

Speaking of stray idle thoughts, you haven't even split up yet and you're hoping that at some point in the future she'll think of you and it'll be a sign she loves you. I think you need to explore this with your therapist.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Yea....there is alot to fix. I even admitted to my family that there is alot of emotional and mental damage with me.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Revamped said:


> So, you have the time...to sit back and observe...while your WIFE takes care of every aspect of the family's needs.
> 
> Your wife isn't afforded such an option as you. You get to sit back, she gets to act.
> 
> ...


You've been here long enough to know what the answer is going to be.

And, of course, as he responds, he does all that.

Really, how many times has it happened that the husband does more housework and gets more time from his wife (much less sex)? Ever? 

Sure, he should do those things just to be a good person. But, that's not going to get him laid.

Notice, it's only when he starts being distant that he gets any attention. Does a husband always have to be a d!ck to a woman to get her to notice him? That's when her alarm goes off and she thinks "he might leave me, I'll throw him a bone". Couldn't she just show him attention because he's good to her and she loves him?

EDIT:: Crap, I just noticed I was responding to a post from 4 months ago. Oh well, guess I'll just have to read the other 6 pages and see what happened.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> I am sorry to hear that things aren't getting any better. I am sure that you know by now that massaging or sex isn't going to fix this.
> 
> lordfire, you are being too clingy...meaning, you are too cued into your wife...as if your whole identity is based around how she thinks about you and how she treats you.
> 
> ...


lordfire00

Doing the above is your only hope.

Get to it!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lordfire:

Has it occurred to you that part of the reason your wife behaves this way is in response to how you portray yourself as a victim? 

I hear a lot of quit and victimhood in your posts. Women inherently despise this in their men. My wife used to treat me in a very similar fashion. I had to change my mindset, and it took a year to get there, but she now adores me. And it all started when I stopped feeling sorry for myself and planting myself firmly in the victim chair.

So the question becomes whether or not you are ready to quit and walk away from the marriage. If that is what you want, I will kindly leave you alone.

But if you are ready to actually remove your butt from the victim chair and make an effort to turn this thing around, I am more than willing to try and help, and maybe bring in some others as well.

The ball is in your court.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



farsidejunky said:


> Lordfire:
> 
> Has it occurred to you that part of the reason your wife behaves this way is in response to how you portray yourself as a victim?
> 
> ...


I told my wife yesterday that i will fix myself. I also asked her if she could give me one last ultimate chance to turn things around. She has been telling for some time now that im good at fixing things, so i mentioned that to her, and that i will use that ability on myself, but all i ask is to have that hoping chance that we can work tbings out between us. She told me that it shouldnt have taken 15yrs to take initative to start fixing things between us. I do know that once i start to see a therapist, it will help me make lifr changing decisions. I feel that what i need to do is, see a therapist and after a few sessions, i have to start dating her. Take baby steps. Earn her complete love and desire for me back. I know i have a very hard road jnfront of me , but im willing to do it for her, and for my kids. Im giving myself between now and end of school year as a short term goal


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Give me insight about this - my emotions and thoughts are frequently switching back forth. For a few mins or whatever ill feel down and hurt and then emotions go back up and i feel calm, and the cycle is just over and over.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You're still taking a nice guy premise. You don't fix yourself for her, nor do you ask her if she will still be around should you fix yourself. You just fix yourself. You're questioning her in that manner shows that you value yourself less than you value her, which is exactly why she is doing that to you.

Stop looking to her for leadership. The attitude you need to have is that you are going to drive your own train of self fulfillment in making yourself a better person, and she can either get on board with you or get left behind. That is leadership.

And you don't need a counselor to do it. It is escapes me, but have you read MMSLP and NMMNG yet?


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Well the reason why im going to start seeing a counselor is for mental re-aligning, to help me rebuild myself mentally, after that, i thinks my emotions will begin to follow, than things can start to get better.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



lordfire00 said:


> Well the reason why im going to start seeing a counselor is for mental re-aligning, to help me rebuild myself mentally, after that, i thinks my emotions will begin to follow, than things can start to get better.


The premise of this post is that you see yourself as incapable of emotionally improving yourself. Do you believe that?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> The premise of this post is that you see yourself as incapable of emotionally improving yourself. Do you believe that?


I saw it as if he gets his thoughts right, his feelings will follow.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



jld said:


> I saw it as if he gets his thoughts right, his feelings will follow.


This is what i mean. My thoughts have come to be all over the place, so my emotions are now running wild. I think this has to do with the changes my wife has gone through and i feel that she emotionally doesnt need me anymore, so i have to rebalance everything.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Depending, of course, on how much off the wall the OP's wife is. It's always a big chuckle to see the usual mantra be suggested without consideration of whether there is any hope of success whatsoever given the normally available options.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Not every wife is crazy, John.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lordfire00 said:


> This is what i mean. My thoughts have come to be all over the place, so my emotions are now running wild. I think this has to do with the changes my wife has gone through and i feel that she emotionally doesnt need me anymore, so i have to rebalance everything.


This is good. Just work on yourself. If your wife needs to go, let her go. Focus on getting healthier.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Revamped said:


> Not every wife is crazy, John.


Without knowing what he's dealing with everyone is "crazy". Humans have this tendency to choose the "happy path" without deep thinking. That usually works but not always.

From what I've read so far my personal opinion is that the happy path is a couple state lines away. Just a personal thought.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

john117 said:


> Depending, of course, on how much off the wall the OP's wife is. It's always a big chuckle to see the usual mantra be suggested without consideration of whether there is any hope of success whatsoever given the normally available options.


John:

Whether his wife is BSC or not, the improvements will help him, whether with her or with his next LTR.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you're on the Titanic your chances of survival don't improve by shaving and putting on a tux.

First find out where the nearest lifeboats are then worry about looking good after you step on solid ground again.

I know it's dramatic but while one is busy becoming GQ material there may be bigger issues to worry about...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

john117 said:


> If you're on the Titanic your chances of survival don't improve by shaving and putting on a tux.
> 
> First find out where the nearest lifeboats are then worry about looking good after you step on solid ground again.
> 
> I know it's dramatic but while one is busy becoming GQ material there may be bigger issues to worry about...


Or...

He could be on the Crown Princess, and it would be a bit ridiculous to flee the ship in a life raft simply to escape the norovirus...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Exactly. Without assessing the situation you can't know.

I have been on the Crown Princess btw. Nice ship.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



john117 said:


> Exactly. Without assessing the situation you can't know.


But the assessment doesn't matter to a certain degree. If he improves himself for him and it does not work, he is still better for it. So if she is BSC, then he can exit with his head held high, knowing he did everything to make it right. It is a win-win.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It's a matter of priorities. I would feel very different about improving myself I depending on what is coming.

If you have to deal with BSC you have little energy to deal with yourself. That's the fallacy right there. You may have kids to deal with, money... 

I guess I'm trying to give a more pragmatic view of reality here...


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You are a malcontent John. Nothing and nobody can soothe the situation you have. 

Please refrain from being Danny Downer on somebody else's thread.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The rational order of things is to find out what you're dealing with first, then act. Uncertainty is a far worse Debbie Downer than any ten Johns.

If that somehow goes against the prevailing dogma of losing 20 lb and buying new clothes before understanding what's going on, my sincere apologies for the distress.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

If you'd be kind enough to let the OP to obtain knowledge other than the diatribe you spew, that would be more helpful than a fashion debate which you are so familiar with.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The OP has been provided with a lot of advise so far but....

- he needs to understand the impact of her fathers passing. Not an easy thing to brush off.
- he needs to understand that she has a lot on her plate and that he is not helping.
- he needs to deal with his own thoughts and options.
- he needs to not make everything be about him and his needs.
- he needs to formulate a plan and stick to it.
- he needs to understand based on previous experience with his wife what's going on inside her head. After a dozen years together this should not be too difficult.

It's not rocket science. With 4 kids anyone feels frazzled, then you add everything else up... A marriage is not an eternal sleepover. It takes work and thinking. When you're dealing with a bunch of issues at the same time triage is your friend.

There. Hopefully this passes muster with the threadmeisters...


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Revamped said:


> You are a malcontent John. Nothing and nobody can soothe the situation you have.
> 
> Please refrain from being Danny Downer on somebody else's thread.





Revamped said:


> If you'd be kind enough to let the OP to obtain knowledge other than the diatribe you spew, that would be more helpful than a fashion debate which you are so familiar with.


Who the **** are you to tell another poster what he may or may not say on a thread? His opinions are just as valid as yours or anyone else. 

If you disagree with him make a case against what he's saying. Trying to silence him because you disagree but aren't capable of debating him is a cowards move.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Oooo.

Ok.

Carry on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

lordfire00 said:


> This is what i mean. My thoughts have come to be all over the place, so my emotions are now running wild. I think this has to do with the changes my wife has gone through and i feel that she emotionally doesnt need me anymore, so i have to rebalance everything.



Reading through your thread I can say she does not need you emotionally. You have mentioned her gay friend twice. The second time you state she is much closer to her gay friend now. My guess is she is getting her emotional needs met by the friend. I would say she is confiding anything and everything to the friend because it is "safe" for her to do so. There is no requirement of her to do anything but talk to the friend and stop the conversation when desired. Said friend does not ask for anything in return. 

What is the deal with the gay friend? Who is she expressing her feelings and thoughts with? Specifically the passing of her dad. She apparently does not with you as she probably feels something is expected in return for expressing emotionally what she is feeling/going through.

What is the true nature and relationship with the gay friend?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john117 said:


> The OP has been provided with a lot of advise so far but....
> 
> - he needs to understand the impact of her fathers passing. Not an easy thing to brush off. *She is confiding with the gay friend. OP stated they are much closer now. *
> - he needs to understand that she has a lot on her plate and that he is not helping. *Hard to do this when G friend appears to be getting the attentions*
> ...


All of this looks great on paper. I want to know how and why the relationship with the gay friend is much more deeper than what was told a few months ago.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Agreed. But you can't emotionally override said friend directly...

She's hurt, does my trust OP, has a security blankie... Typically smooth methods of detaching don't work very well.

What next? I don't know btw, depends if she can cut out the friend and open up. Not easy.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john117 said:


> Agreed. But you can't emotionally override said friend directly...
> 
> She's hurt, does my trust OP, has a security blankie... Typically smooth methods of detaching don't work very well.
> 
> What next? I don't know btw, depends if she can cut out the friend and open up. Not easy.


Yes, it will be very tough if said friend is in fact the sounding board for her emotions concerning daily life and the passing of her father. It almost seems the passing of her father was talked about with the OP like they talk about the weather. It appears the friend has been been the sounding board for quite sometime. Perhaps the OP actions or inactions in the past has spurned the friend relationship further to the point of pushing the OP away for good. Whatever the case, 4 kids, father that is dying...it is very easy to brush off OP and confide a friend who is not asking anything of her as she confides with the friend. OP continued to be very needy and is labeled/seen by the W as another entity to contend with for the day. Or as someone has posted...a chore.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Ok, she had admitted to me and i see this the same as well. Her and i did not become friends first and work our way up from there. So in a way, we started the relationship out wrong. We also talked some more today about some things. I told her exactly how i felt about her friend. And how i saw the 2 of them. I have taken the first step to seek a counselor and get things rolling on my end. Im gonna do what i have to do, to earn my wife back. But in the proper way.

Part of a good sign is...she slept in bed with me last night after a week of not doing so 👍👍 . im gonna do what i have to do to win her back.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

How do you feel about her good friend? Why does the good friend get the undivided attention. What have you done that put you in this position? If she is expecting you to mind read nothing will be resolved. 

On a good note....she is back in the bed with you.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> How do you feel about her good friend? Why does the good friend get the undivided attention. What have you done that put you in this position? If she is expecting you to mind read nothing will be resolved.



Because the friend has no intimacy expectations hence she can open up. With him she's afraid to open up period.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

I didnt take initiative in alot of things and didnt correct things the right way, so now im paying for it. This time, im doing things the right way. Fix me first, be totally honest with her, and do for her what she has asked of me. She has in basics told me what makes her kind of work, and part of the problem was, i never really actually dated her the right way at the jump start. So im basically earning her indepth love for me again. In other words, i have to start over with her and hope she falls back inlove with me, with time and through positive change. She did admit that its not going to happen ovet night, which i agree


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## joslin (Dec 14, 2014)

I feel like this is me in reverse!! We stay busy, but separately. And if we do something together, there's not talking all business. We always maintain physical intimacy, but there's no real connection. We just live together. And as much as I love the man, you can't talk to him. Beginning to think he has ADD, and I can repeat myself no more!!


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Well, tomorrow i have my first appt with therapist. Hopefully this is the start of a pathway to a succeful future.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

It continues to amaze me on how busy my wife is to talk to me, but cant find time to conversate with me. Well ive reached the point that im starting to talk to other women.


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## homerjay (Dec 12, 2014)

lordfire00 said:


> I observe my wife in a distance putting her enervy and efforts into alot of things such as activities with my inlaws and her sister and trying to organize things at home. Including getting things ready for kids going back to school. One thing that she almost never reserves energy anx efforts is ... her relationship with me.....like going out some dates or spendinh alone time wth me and our sex life.....unless..unless....I become distant and somewhat cold and dont talk to her much. Then...only then....does her light bulb go on regard us. Only then will she ask me how come I havent touched her lately or why have I been real quiet. I have really come to realize where I stand... and im statting to resent her....alot. yes taking care of a household is alot of work....but what value does it hold if u dont nurture ur relationship with ur spouse. See'she can take the effort to train herself to wake up early and take kids to school or something...but cant say to herself.... I need to take at least 30mins and be with mu husband. Take the time to be physically intimate with my husband. Ur gonna ask me...have I talked to her about this? I have before....it dont matter anymore. Im not asking for much.....just very easy stuff....very simple stuff. I guess my silence and distance will be more understood by her than anything else.


Perhaps you need both to go to counselling.

It's bad you're feeling like this, but with help it can improve.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

lordfire00 said:


> It continues to amaze me on how busy my wife is to talk to me, but cant find time to conversate with me. Well ive reached the point that im starting to talk to other women.


Is there an exact phrase you're looking for her to say?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lordfire00 said:


> Well, tomorrow i have my first appt with therapist. Hopefully this is the start of a pathway to a succeful future.


How did this therapy appointment go?


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: Just have to vent*



Nucking Futs said:


> How did this therapy appointment go?


Well, it was only the first one so far so as more continue, more will get analyzed. The bad thing is, my wife is to proud to admit that she also should be going. See, shes the one that caused me to feel how i feel and change the way ive changed. But whom am i, right?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> :banghead:
> 
> Again lordfire.....stop blaming your wife for your unhappiness. Whenever you start in on the self-pity mind talk, repeat these words over and over again.
> 
> "My happiness, my responsibility."


This. Reread this post 3 or 4 times dude. You are responsible for your own feelings and nobody causes you to feel any way but you.

Additionally, you take credit for your changes. Whatever the catalyst may have been, you made your choice to actually improve yourself. Nobody else gets credit for that either.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

lordfire00 said:


> Well, it was only the first one so far so as more continue, more will get analyzed. The bad thing is, my wife is to proud to admit that she also should be going. See, shes the one that caused me to feel how i feel and change the way ive changed. But whom am i, right?


Ultimately your feelings, happiness and how you take on the world is yours and not the cause of someone else, ie. you W.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> This. Reread this post 3 or 4 times dude. You are responsible for your own feelings and nobody causes you to feel any way but you..



You are responsible for your own ACTIONS. 

Your feelings are the result of internal and external inputs and your own reactions.

If my wife borrows my car and totals it I will be pi$$ed to no end. Am I alone going to be responsible for my own feelings? 

The courts have wisely come up with contributory negligence and similar frameworks to deal with it. 

If you want to be happy 100% and responsible for your own feelings 100% get a cabin in the woods and stay single. By accepting to get married, work for others, have children, etc you're adding layers upon layers of emotional variability out of your control.

You can deal with emotions in a responsible and adult manner but you're not the SOLE cause of those feelings.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Hi everyone, its been awhile simce i posted on here. Im bringing back updates on my situation. Well my father in law passed away last month and my wife started having much more problems. I have been going to a therapist for a few weeks now, and it has helped me a little. But now my marriage and the relationship between my wife and i has taken an un settled turn, and things have taken a cold direction.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Wow...its imcredible how bad things have become with my wife. I do not know the person that my wife has become, as hard as it may be, perhaps it is time for me to start a friendship with another woman. For the note, i have been trying to mend things with my wife
.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

lordfire00 said:


> Wow...its imcredible how bad things have become with my wife. I do not know the person that my wife has become, as hard as it may be, perhaps it is time for me to start a friendship with another woman. For the note, i have been trying to mend things with my wife
> .


Details?


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Word of advice to all women. If u dont want ur man to have sex with another woman , than dont deny ur man sex.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

And please, please, please tell me why sex has to be such a touchy subject with women? Im trying to talk to my wife and understand why she doesnt care to have sex with me basically anymore.. I simoly wenr into the bedroom and tokd im dying for sex, and she says, and ur not gerting any. Basically that she means not at all...so im trying to talk to her about...and she is just avoidjng talking about it. But if it comes to talking about other things there is absolutely no problem. The problem happening between her and i is a stupid power struggle at this point. And i blame her mother for this


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

lordfire00 said:


> Word of advice to all women. If u dont want ur man to have sex with another woman , than dont deny ur man sex.


Does that mean you cheated on your wife?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry, brother.

Pick up a mirror. Stare deeply into it. Recognize who's fault it is that this is still happening.

When you are ready to do something besides come here and vent, I will be more than willing to help.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lordfire00 said:


> And please, please, please tell me why sex has to be such a touchy subject with women? Im trying to talk to my wife and understand why she doesnt care to have sex with me basically anymore.. I simoly wenr into the bedroom and tokd im dying for sex, and she says, and ur not gerting any. Basically that she means not at all...so im trying to talk to her about...and she is just avoidjng talking about it. But if it comes to talking about other things there is absolutely no problem. The problem happening between her and i is a stupid power struggle at this point. And i blame her mother for this


You blame her MOTHER? Really?? Are you married to her mother?


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

But ....she can be ikind a direct talking to me about other stuff with no problem....whats the difference?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

lordfire00 said:


> And please, please, please tell me why sex has to be such a touchy subject with women? Im trying to talk to my wife and understand why she doesnt care to have sex with me basically anymore.. I simoly wenr into the bedroom and tokd im dying for sex, and she says, and ur not gerting any. Basically that she means not at all...so im trying to talk to her about...and she is just avoidjng talking about it. But if it comes to talking about other things there is absolutely no problem. The problem happening between her and i is a stupid power struggle at this point. And i blame her mother for this


Just going in the room and saying you are dying for sex isn't a good way to start the conversation (or sex!). I just read the whole thread. It sounds very whiny. I wouldn't want to talk to whiny either. Has your counsellor given you any tips on how to talk to your wife?


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Hello, im back after a long time away. Well, my wife and i are probably going to be splitting up after kids get out of school. I have realized that i did some major wrongs in my marriage and have asked my wife for forgiveness. She has withdrawn herself emotionally and i no longer push sex on her. We have been fighting alot with each other in the past few months. She doesnt care to make things work in the marriage. I know what i have done wrong throught out the years , but i believe that even with the strongest efforts to fix the problems on my side ...it will not be enough influence or proof to change her mind about being done with our relationship.

I fear alot of whats ahead in the next few months and really dont want to go through that pain of heart break.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What do you see as your mistakes?


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> What do you see as your mistakes?


Not enough quality time spent with my kids. I didnt take very seriously taking care of my house responsibilities like, some maintainance around the house out of my own initiative. I didnt effectively commuincate much to her to plan things together so we could go on vacation and stuff.

I didnt take control of managing our bills and budgeting our household income... Now, mind u that im the main income in the home and i would work alot of hrs. 


Now more of an update. We are now temporarly separated. Im staying at my aunts house for a little while and shes still staying in my house... And tonight i went over to my house to be with my kids for a little while, i ended talking to my wife, and i discovered with some little interogation, some very twisted info. I aaked her how long she wants me out of the house for? A few days? A couple weeks? Few weeks? Couple months? What? She didnt know, but what she did say was that, shes trying to transition the kids .. And i asked her, what do u mean ur trying to transition the kids? She was getting all bent out of shape from that question.,...but behold, i got an answer from her....and shes trying to transition the kids to me not being around the house. Meaning, shes trying to get them use to me not living with them anymore.. What a *****, what a *****. I cant believe she would stoop so low.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you think there is a 3rd person in the situation ? 

Don't let her alienate you from the kids.

How close was she to her father ?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds to me like Taps is playing in the background. It is time you to stop reacting to her. If not in reality, she is already divorcing you in her mind.

Get back in your home and consult an attorney. You can stay in separate bedrooms. But get back in the home.

Start preparing now. And brother? You sound shocked that she is preparing for divorce. I think you are the only one.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If she will be better off or ok with out him financially (child support and maybe alimony) why would she want him to stay?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you both need to sit down and discuss rules for this separation including her working more, selling the house and splitting the proceeds (after all you can't live with your aunt forever) visitation, what is discussed to the kids, dating (the last thing you want is a strange man in the house),you should also 180.


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## AriYarjan (Mar 21, 2015)

I agree with the advice being given to get back in your home. It is never a good idea to leave the home when you do not have a clear reason to do so.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Why does the man always leave his own home...she's the one who wants out.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Im going back to my house in a couple days , wether she likes it or not. Her cool off period is over....(says me).. If she doesnt like it, she can leave. My house is owned by my family....so technically, she has no say.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

I left for terms of just being a short time and just for her to cool off


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Today i made one of the hardest decisions i have ever made in my life...i accepted the fact that my wife doesnt want to be in a relationship with me anymore.... The fighting to salvage the relationship is over. She has won the battle on that part. But i will not give her a divorce. I have a ton of work rebuilding myself emotionally to do. To wipe out 15.5 yrs from my heart is not even an easy idea to deal with.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lordfire00 said:


> Today i made one of the hardest decisions i have ever made in my life...i accepted the fact that my wife doesnt want to be in a relationship with me anymore.... The fighting to salvage the relationship is over. She has won the battle on that part. But i will not give her a divorce. I have a ton of work rebuilding myself emotionally to do. To wipe out 15.5 yrs from my heart is not even an easy idea to deal with.


Why in the WORLD would you not divorce now that you have finally realized this?? :scratchhead:

Edit... By the way, she doesnt need your consent or cooperation to divorce you if that is what she decides to do. I divorced my second husband without a single word or signature from him.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Why in the WORLD would you not divorce now that you have finally realized this?? :scratchhead:
> 
> Edit... By the way, she doesnt need your consent or cooperation to divorce you if that is what she decides to do. I divorced my second husband without a single word or signature from him.


Per a little research i did....it depends on the state u live in....and if u both live in the same state


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

Plus, depending on state law, if the defending spouse commits adultery or is proven to have mental insanity or such other, than the filing spouse can file divorce by default grounds.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

My marriage in spirit has ended. My wife and i are just living together. I wanted to work things out, but she doesnt. I am now grieving. It is hard. When i see my wife at home and know that she no longer sees me as her romantic partner or lover...it hurts alot. My family is helping me through this. I do have a lawyer, and am learning my rights as a father and husband. I have given notice of kicking my mother in law out of my house. Trying to keep things normal for my kids as much as possible. I carry lots of anger now towards her


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