# what I have learned...hope this helps others



## J.deere (Jul 8, 2015)

Everyone's situation is different but I can tell you what seems across the board the same for everyone.

That is if you are having problems marriage counseling can work but you have to find a good one. If one isn't working switch right away to another.

Second , take it 1 day at a time. Problems take a long time to work out.

Third, don't give up easily. After all filing divorce is expensive and grueling from what I hear.

Fourth , put your thoughts on your spouse point of view. Perhaps you are being unreasonable and difficult and not understanding. 

Fifth, don't expect much at first. Until he or she feels relaxed again, comfortable , feels it legit and it's going to last it will slowly change. 

Sixth, finding out the reason(s) why it's not working to fix the problems. It may be lack of communication, lack of date nights, working too many hours , verbal abuse, not helping out enough with chores or kids, health reasons, substance abuse, and so on.

Seventh, once you are getting along better keep it up. Dont go back to your old ways or the conflict will start all over again.

Eighth, understand over the course of a ltr people change a bit and to go with the changes of times. 

Ninth, there are a lot of good suggestions on this site. It's true I've found that women want men not to be indecisive. To be the man and not get walked on by them. They also need their time and time with their girlfriends without a insecure husband that is controlling.

I'm sure I left out a lot but the positive side is there is hope, stay positive , keep smiling, be secure, be confident and don't become a beta full time. Obviously not all relationships are meant to be and infidelity is a deal breaker in my opinion.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

J.deere said:


> *don't become a beta full time.*


BETA FILES CASE #23,456

She said she needed a little space, so I made her a romantic breakfast out on the beach and made sure her seat had PLENTY OF EXTRA SPACE over there, but yet she was not happy with my gesture of love. SO FRUSTRATING that I lost it and ended up kicking over my "sand castle of love" that took me all night to make for her in a furious rage after she made me suffer through fifteen minutes of her awkward silence. 

Some women, nothing will make them happy!


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Sometimes nothing seems to work whatever you do. I think the most important factor when you're trying to resolve a problem in marriage is for both partners to be on board with trying to fix things. If only one of you is willing to make the effort, the whole thing is doomed. I tried again and again to make my H realise this and each discussion went the same way:

I would approach the subject in a sensitive and caring manner (and it would take weeks, sometimes months each time to work up the courage to do so).

H would take offence, get angry and fly into a tantrum, calling me names, calling my family names, saying some of the most hurtful things I have ever heard in my life.

I would be upset and frightened but determined to brave it out, so I would point out that shouting at each other would solve nothing and try to persuade him to calm down and discuss things rationally.

He would eventually calm down, burst into tears and profess his love for me. Then apologise and say he will do everything to save the marriage.

Then (after a token day or so of changed behaviour) things would return to normal and the whole cycle would begin again.

I am now looking for another apartment to move into and should be gone within a few weeks - I'm really looking forward to being single again, doing my own thing and living with some peace and quiet.


----------



## J.deere (Jul 8, 2015)

Doobie.. Sorry to hear. You're right it takes two. Also not all marriages can be saved . I was somewhat like your husband and didn't realize what I was doing wrong. We found an amazing counselor. We figured things out togeather. I'm happy to say within 2 months there has been remarkable improvments. I went from the feeling despair and it was probably over to falling in love all over again. 

I wrote this post to give some hope to people. I'm not saying it always will work out. But unless an all out effort is applied you don't know. If after all resources have been exhausted and nothing changes than perhaps its best to part ways.

My recommendation to your husband is if he truely loves you for him to get help asap or he is going to loose you. If he doesn't change his ways it certainly will not work out.

Also , I feel into this trap feeling it was my wife's problems not me. Well she was the way she was because of me. I changed for the better and she responded slowly in a positive way. Every day is better and better.

I hope it works out for you too


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds like you've got it all figured out. So you were sexless? And now you're getting it every day?


----------



## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sounds like you've got it all figured out. So you were sexless? And now you're getting it every day?


If he's gotten that far in only 2 months, he's doing a lot better than me.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

We'll see. Most who post these kind of threads are trying to convince themselves that their approach, which amounts to more of the same, will one day work despite their own experience to the contrary.


----------



## J.deere (Jul 8, 2015)

This is an honest post. Not fooling anyone. My marriage wasn't sexless. It was daily arguing , emotional disconnect, intimacy problems. Since I was able to correct my ways her response was to work on things and naturally she feels more relaxed and is able to emotional connect on all levels even intimately. That is an important step reducing the stress , relaxing the tension and good things happened. Lots of dates like we first met all over again but with no expectations. It worked. Took 3 weeks to start to see the real difference. My therapist said don't approach her for sex let her come to me. Now I can approach her but I don't badger her about it nor do I take it personally if the time isn't right. It worked because the quality drastically improved.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

TAM is filled with cases where the husband wasn't perhaps 100% but wasn't 40% either. That is the fallacy of the "work on changing yourself" crowd.

If you're in the pits yea, work on getting out first. But many people aren't in the pits yet their spouses have this Disney prince/princess expectation. 

Instead of aimlessly looking for the Magick Spell to fix your partner, or yourself, spend the time to figure out really why your marriage is in trouble. That will tell you if it's fixable or not. Sad to say some are fixable but a lot aren't.


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

J.deere said:


> My recommendation to your husband is if he truely loves you for him to get help asap or he is going to loose you. If he doesn't change his ways it certainly will not work out.
> 
> I hope it works out for you too


Much too late to fix things for us - I'm looking forward to being single again and having some peace and quiet and not having to deal with his crap. Right now, he's wandering round the house, constantly emotionally blackmailing me with his pity me attitude. This morning he was so ill that he thought he would be in hospital having an operation tomorrow but I've just come home to an empty house. He's out drinking at a bar in a nearby town with some of his friends who are here on holiday and he must be on the pull tonight as he's had his first shower in nearly 2 weeks (his towel in the bathroom is damp). He has half a bottle of whiskey with him in a hip flask (this is the third bottle he's bought in the last week). 

There's absolutely no chance that our relationship can be saved, I just want out and the sooner I find an apartment I can afford, the better. I know I have a tough winter ahead of me - all my savings are gone because my H never works and doesn't bring in any money. I'm convinced that the reason he's constantly begging for "just one more chance" (he's had loads) and telling me several times a day that he needs me and can't live without me is because he's scared of losing the person who pays the rent and bills. The move is going to cripple me financially bus so has being married to him. Once I'm out and sorted, I can live much more frugally than he's willing to and at least get a few hundred saved in the bank to fall back on in emergencies.


----------

