# In a very unhappy, dysfunctional marriage



## Celticcapergirl (Jun 13, 2020)

Hi , my name is karen. Been married almost 32 years . Dated 6 years before marriage. Have 6 children aged 13-30.
Our marriage wasnt always unhappy. When our 4 oldest kids were little things were fine. I choose to be a stay at home mom with our kids. We had our last 2 daughters a little later , I was 37 and 42. 
Being home with the kids 24/7 could be very overwhelming at times. So when my youngest was around age 2 or 3 , I decided I needed some time for myself every once in awhile.
So I started looking into self care techniques. I started practicing these techniques for my mental and emotional well being.
A few times a year , I would go to a weekend womens retreat and go spend a few days at my sister in laws , just to get away from everyday life and re energized . 
This seems to be when our marriage changed and not for the better. My spouse didnt like my independence I guess and the fact that I was getting away from family life at times.
This was not being selfish on my part. I needed to start doing something for myself . 
I joined a ladies chef class which met 3x a month when the kids were in school. I met some great friends thru this class. Other women I could go to theatrical shows with, plays, concerts etc.etc.
And we started going out once a month for lunch and several times a year to charitable fundraisers for great causes and dinner theatres. 
I definitely had changed , for the better, my better.
But he did too. His behaviour changed toward me and so did his additude.
He became demeaning, belittling, sarcastic, financially abusive , he could be verbally abusive and was absolutely non supportive mentally or emotionally.
Anything I dealt with I was on my own, even serious matters concerning the kids. 
I dealt with our middle daughters mental illness diagnosis and treatments solo , our youngest daughters learning problems and anxiety issues solo , our daughters eating disorder etc etc.
Since I've been an at home mom for 30 years , I have no income so here I am staying in this unhappy marriage.
Would just like to talk to other women who have gone through what I'm going through or are still going through .
Thank you 
Karen


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Can you expand on how your husband became abusive? What did/does he do?

How often does he go away for the weekend and go out with his friends?

Does he get a break too?


----------



## Mary L (Jun 26, 2020)

I have been married 30 years, and I am finding that the more I heal, the more hes offended. As if he doesn't want me to heal. Or maybe I am just seeing things a bit more clearly now? I don't know. I just know I am very unhappy and lonely. 
This is the time of life for us and our husbands to be close! We survived teething, late night puking, home renovations, near bankruptcy. This was suppose to be OUR time.

I don't have any advice. Just know you're not alone.


----------



## ElleJ (Jul 6, 2020)

Karen, It seems as if you are a single mother with a phantom spouse whose only contribution to your marriage is to resent your personal growth and independence because he cannot control you. The belittling, sarcastic, financially abusive conduct are all mechanisms of control. Seek legal advice and abandon the mindset that you will stay in the marriage because you have no income. I hope that you continue your journey to seek independence and leave your marriage; by doing so, your younger daughters will realize by your example that women can disengage from unhealthy relationships and live decent lives,


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

56 year old man's perspective here - married almost 25, one 18 year old and one soon to be 16 year old. 

I am the opposite of your husband and many of the men of previous generation. When my wife and I first got together she had a lot of college credits from various schools but no degrees or certifications and was working a couple low paying entry level jobs to feed herself and pay rent. 

To be honest, she probably would have been perfectly happy to be a SAHM and go to cooking meet-ups with other SAHMs. She was raised in a vary traditional upbringing where women wore aprons and cooked and cleaned up after children all day and men worked all day to pay for everything then came home and read the newpaper in the comfy chair infront of the evening news. 

I was the one that wasn't having any of that. My mother was an educated career professional and didn't take crap from anyone. And I could see the value in that.

I not only supported my wife's education and her finishing her degree and licensure, but I was insistent on it. There were nights she came home in tears from school saying she couldn't do it and that she wasn't smart enough. I called BS and told her to get a good meal in her and then go study. 

In time she became a good student and has been an outstanding career professional for the past 20-some years. 

Part of the reason I insisted on that path was for the personal fulfillment and so that she did not become a baby factory and a career puke cleaner and come to resent me for it. 

But another big reason is so if she did grow to resent and dislike me that she could pack her bags and walk away - AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT. 

She could leave me tomorrow if she wanted and she could put down deposits and call a moving company and be moved in to a new place before I even get home from work tomorrow. 

And I would owe her a dime in spousal support. And since we are in a joint shared custody state and we have similar incomes and I am a fit parent, there is no reason for either of us to pay any child support. It would just be court costs and lawyer fees and split the assets down the middle. 

So in a way, your H kinda got what he bargained for. Many men of those generations kept their wives barefoot and pregnant and without job skills to make it hard for them to leave and financially dependent on them. 

But we live in a more enlightened and open society where an adult cannot be forced to live in a situation they do not want to be and divorces are granted to everyone that files the proper paperwork and pays the court costs. ..... but now the working spouse gets to pay for it and gets to continue to support the other. 

Or they get the honor of someone staying with them despite their resentment and dislike for them because they feel they don't have any other options. 

My advice is get back into the world. Seek some kind of job training or marketable skills. Then get with a good divorce attorney and find out exactly what your rights and responsibilities would be in a divorce and a realistic expectation of what your settlement would be and what your post divorce life would likely look like. 

Talk to an actual divorce attorney in your jurisdiction about this. Do not take the word of friends or family or TV or even here on this site because each jurisdiction is a little different and divorce laws and practices and outcomes do change over time and each couple's situation is different. Get actual current facts based on your specific situation.


----------

