# Wife wants divorce after more than a decade together and 5 years married



## StuckBetween (Oct 9, 2011)

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here--sorry it's so long. It's unfortunate that it had to be in this particular forum.

So here's the situation:

*Our profile*
My wife and I started dating near the end of high school, so we were pretty young, around 17. We ended up at the same college and did great throughout those years. I ended up proposing to her during our senior year and we got married a couple of years later. We have lived together since graduating from college. I also have a master's degree and she has an MBA. All told, we've been together for 12 years and married for five, all of which, up until very recently, seemed great.

*My story*
A few years ago, my wife and I decided that it was time for her to finally pursue her dream of getting an MBA. She was originally just going to get it from the school I worked at (since she would get a tuition break), but we decided that since she had the test scores and work experience to get her into a top program, she should apply to those. She did get into a top program and so we picked up and relocated to the state where that school is a couple of years ago. I, of course, had to quit my job and where we relocated did not have great jobs, so my career took a hit (though it was a decent position). But I was ok with that; I was happy, she was happy, and we knew that once she was done with her MBA we would have a substantial income regardless of my job.

So we went through the two years of the program. Everything seemed fine, though stressful at times (a very intense program; not unusual), and toward the end of the program she had found a very good job that we would be relocating again for (this was always expected) and we were looking for a new home. Since I would have to quit my job again, we figured it might be a good time for me to pursue a degree in teaching, which I had wanted to do for years, so I applied to programs in the city we would be in. I got in to a great school and planned to start this summer. Things seemed great, and I was very excited for the next step in our life together.

Unfortunately, this did not last. She graduated in mid-May and within a couple of days after graduating, she told me she no longer wanted to be married. I had no idea this was coming.

I had already left my job and we were planning to move within the next couple of weeks. My life was completely turned upside down. She immediately started staying at a friend's place and when the time came to move to the new location, we ended up getting separate apartments, since she didn't want to live in the same place. I went through the summer term of my teaching program, but felt like I shouldn't continue right now because of the additional stress of the separation and the fact that I'm not sure a starting teacher's salary is something I could bear on my own (the only reason it was ok before was because together our income was more than adequate).

We were supposed to go to counseling over the summer and try dating, but we did each of those only once and she decided it wash;t worth it to continue in both cases. Out of options, seemingly with no hope since she hadn't budged in two months, and with no friends and no job in the new city, I decided I needed to leave and try to figure out my life from the city where we had lived before we relocated for her MBA program. I at least had friends to stay with there and I could give her whatever space she needed. It's now been four months since this all happened. We haven't seen each other for the past two months.

We still email and talk occasionally. It has ranged from me being completely depressed in the beginning and contacting her way too much, to us having long conversations (and mild arguments) about why this happened, to pretty standard "can you mail this to me" or "how is the dog doing" (I have him) kind of emails. We've always been civil about everything and neither of us does or says anything to intentionally upset or hurt the other one.

*The reasons it happened (according to her)*
The reasons are somewhat vague. She's changed. She thinks we got together too young and she hasn't experienced life on her own. I'm not the same ****y, athletic guy I was before (I was sick for a while, which made me lose a lot of weight and made me a bit reserved for a while. I'm better now and working on getting in shape and putting weight back on.). She's not sure if us being together has held her back at all (which is crazy considering how much I've sacrificed to support her while she pursued her dreams). She thinks we have different goals in life (though she isn't able to say what those are, specifically).

*What I want*
I've gone through hell for four months now. I haven't slept in my own bed or lived with my stuff ever since I moved to the new city two weeks after it happened. After leaving the graduate program, I now am unemployed for the first time in my career and am having a tough time finding a job (like everyone else). I have definitely been at a point where I decided that I was done with it and I was just going to move on and let her have her life.

However, now, after I've had about a month of reasonable stability and time to reflect, I've decided that I cannot just let me marriage go without doing everything I can to change her mind or fix whatever is broken. Or just start over with me. I love my wife and I hate the fact that we haven't had a chance to work on this together at all. I'm hoping that at some point soon she will be up for trying to see if we can work.

*What should I do?*
I've read things here and elsewhere that I should cut off contact with her and just hope she comes around. I've had friends say I should do whatever I can to convince her to not go through with a divorce. I have no idea how I should approach this and I would really appreciate any advice you wonderful people can give. Right now, she cannot file for divorce until at least January because of residency requirements. At that point, since it is a unilateral decision, there is also a mandatory two year waiting period before a divorce can be finalized if I don't agree to it. I'm really hoping to have progress before January just so the divorce process doesn't have to start.

Any thoughts? Sorry this post is so long!


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

You're probably not going to like hearing this, but this is what I think.

The most likely reason for all this is that your wife has decided that she can 'do better' than you and mentally has decided that she has to 'go for it' or forever have regrets. She has re-assessed her life, and you're no longer the center of her future hopes and dreams.

I'd put 50/50 odds that another man had an impact on her. Maybe not an actual affair, but at minimum some attention from other men she met while pursuing her MBA that mad her think she could get someone richer/more successful/more exciting/more whatever.

Given your story, there most likely was some sort of 'turning point' for your wife rather than sudden decline or ongoing incompatibility. If you look around here, you'll find mention of women changing their 'sex rank' and how they want to 'marry up'. I think something like that has happened with her, and sadly, there's not much you can do. 

It's likely that she will NOT come out and directly say what has happened with her views on you and who she wants, not only to 'not hurt your feelings' but that she knows it will cast her in a 'bad light' to come out and publicly say something along the lines of 'I can do better'. Women, even serial cheaters, are lothe to admit that they don't think much of their marriage vows anymore, or be seen as the one who is bailing / at fault. It much easier and bring less public scorn on them to just make the situation muddy and miserable.

I'm really sorry to say all this - you've been blindsided. But your story is not an uncommon one. I know several divorced men who have been though situations similar to yours, and all their cases, none of their efforts to repair their marriages were ultimately successful - as if one party went through the motions but really didn't want it to succeed.

She's may be in something akin to a fog right now - I don't know, but I a pretty sure that any efforts you make to fix things by 'fixing yourself' are not going to go well - because they won't address the real underlying reasons, though she may be content to go through the motions and point to it later as why things didn't work out.

I think the only thing that has a chance is what you have already seen mentioned - cut off contact, and sever ties, and go on with your life - living it to the fullest instead of pining for a love that's already lost. If she has a change of heart, she'll come back. But otherwise, it doesn't matter what you do - she doesn't want to be married to you anymore, and the only way that can change is for her to have an about-face decision on what she wants for the rest of her life.

Good luck, and I feel for you.
-A


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## StuckBetween (Oct 9, 2011)

@Anubis - Thanks for being candid with your response. To be honest, I've thought pretty much the same thing as what you said - that the men in the MBA program made it appear to her that she can do better. Angers me to no end, considering that she had the opportunity to pursue the degree because of my sacrifices, but I suppose that time has passed.

I have luckily begun to emerge the hellish pit of pain and uncertainty that I was thrown into and I am making every effort to look out for myself first now and get things back in order to make sure I have a satisfying future regardless of what happens with my marriage.

It sucks that I'm unemployed because I quit my job thinking I was embarking on a new part of my life with her only to have the rug pulled out from under me. I imagine that once I find a new job, things will be a lot easier, since I'll be able to focus on my career and have the ability to support myself.

It's going to be a rough few months, but at least I'm on the road to getting where I need to be.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Man, does this woman have no shame? Take a look at the post "Just let them go" I think it applies here...best wishes.


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

I think that women in general are personal problem solvers and nurturers. When they have issues in their personal life, they always tend to want to talk about it, to find solutions, to work it out, to find harmony again etc. If a man somehow finds his wife is no longer willing to work with him to sort out marriage troubles, that's a VERY strong sign she has totally given up and has moved on. It means she has reached a point where she feels she has done everything she could or should for the relationship. Its a tough job to make a woman come back to you. I think its much easier to win a man back, but thats only my opinion.


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## StuckBetween (Oct 9, 2011)

Suemolly said:


> I think that women in general are personal problem solvers and nurturers. When they have issues in their personal life, they always tend to want to talk about it, to find solutions, to work it out, to find harmony again etc. If a man somehow finds his wife is no longer willing to work with him to sort out marriage troubles, that's a VERY strong sign she has totally given up and has moved on. It means she has reached a point where she feels she has done everything she could or should for the relationship. Its a tough job to make a woman come back to you. I think its much easier to win a man back, but thats only my opinion.


I can say with absolute certainty that this is not the case. She did not seek to talk about it (I'm perplexed that there was no talking about it, which is something I've been pretty upset about) and she certainly did not do anything to find solutions, harmony, etc. There were no clear problems in our relationship—no fighting, no abuse (verbal or physical), no trouble in the bedroom.

I can honestly say—and this is not me being self-praising—that I was a good husband. I would do anything for her and I would never do anything that would cause her to be unhappy or hurt her. This isn't a matter of her "no longer" willing to work with me to solve marriage problems. This was the first indication to me that there ever was a problem with the marriage and she doesn't want to work on it. I would bust my ass to work with her. Unfortunately, she clearly has something else she wants now, and she doesn't want to be convinced that she should even try to work on resolving her marriage with the man who has supported, loved, been key to her success since day one.


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## StuckBetween (Oct 9, 2011)

Locard said:


> Man, does this woman have no shame? Take a look at the post "Just let them go" I think it applies here...best wishes.


I'll have a look at the post. Thanks.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You will be very suprised when...with a smile on your face , you wish her the best and acknowledge the problemmatic marriage, and tell her that the next relationship the both of you re in will be healthier.

Acknowledging your mistakes and at the same time letting her go will #1 let her know you are confident in finding a healthier relationship with out out her and #2 you regonize your faults and will not except any one that doen't recognize there's.

The point is doing something your W isn't expecting and making her second guess her choices. 

Doing this will empower your self, and once your W sees this she may see the reality that her fall back guy is moving on, there by making her face the fact that you will no longer be around.

Have you asked her if she still wants to be married to you? If not, or is confused, then this is the time for both of you to move on. Again making her doubt and face the consequences of her actions.

Tough love brother, she may not completely understand what it will be like when you are no loger around!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've been used and she pretty certainly has cheated with one of the other hyper aggressive MBA types. 

What you need to fo is go to total war with her. It's all she understands or respects at this point. 

You have sngfcant damages you have suffered to support her and her education. Get a real shark of a lawyer and go for blood with her. I have seen this before with MBA and law students. It's the classic support me through my degree, but how dare you want a dime of my money.

The marriage can't be saved. She is cheating. Go for blood. 

Oh, find out who she is seeing and make their affair as difficult as possible. Put on a key logger, a VAR and check the phone records. MBA types unfortunately check their values at the door in such programs.
"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StuckBetween (Oct 9, 2011)

@thu_guy - Thanks for the advice. I think what you describe is the way I'll be going about it. Luckily, I'm already somewhat down that path, so it shouldn't be overwhelmingly difficult to do so.


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

StuckBetween said:


> I can honestly say—and this is not me being self-praising—that I was a good husband. I would do anything for her and I would never do anything that would cause her to be unhappy or hurt her. This isn't a matter of her "no longer" willing to work with me to solve marriage problems. This was the first indication to me that there ever was a problem with the marriage and she doesn't want to work on it. I would bust my ass to work with her. Unfortunately, she clearly has something else she wants now, and she doesn't want to be convinced that she should even try to work on resolving her marriage with the man who has supported, loved, been key to her success since day one.


When my husband walked out on me, I felt the same like you. But after a while, I realized I must have missed out on the warning signs cos no one walks away from their spouse just like that. I was living in denial that there was nothing wrong.
If she is indeed walking away at the first sign, there must be a huge pull factor taking her away all of a sudden. This "other" thing must be truly and absolutely attractive, God's gift to humankind. No woman would walk away from her husband just cos she's been at business school. Those MBA classes are full of group projects and assignments usually, often on tight deadlines. There's sometimes that adrenaline rush, and sparks and feelings could fly and the next you know you're attracted to that ****y jerk who thinks he's so damn smart and wonderful he could run off with someone's wife.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

StuckBetween, click on the links below titled "Just Let Them Go" and "The 180 degrees rules". Read them as many times as needed until they become a part of you. They will give you the emotional fortitude you need to move on with your life with or without your wife.

No matter what illusions we create about living happily ever after, the reality is that all things eventually come to an end.


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