# Are There Men Out There That Like to Take Charge or are They Characters in a Book?



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I posted in the ladies lounge, but I really want to know. There is no "perfect" person, but I really want someone that can work with me but also can take charge when needed and not be told how to do everything to the point you might as well do it yourself. I am not talking about someone that just is picky and doesn't want things done a certain way and is complaining. I am talking about a man that wants an actual partner but can also lead when needed. For example, one of my biggest issues right now is that we were hit with a hurricane last October. My husband stayed behind while I dealt with a family emergency out of state. He contacted the insurance and of course, they didn't even give us enough to pay for the roof let alone the other damage to the house. He has not followed up on a single thing. It won't get done unless I literally do it and I have refused to the point I worry the insurance won't pay out. He doesn't help with decisions with the household or kids, I just tell him what was done. The thing is, I never wanted to be that type of person but he keeps putting me in that position time and time again. I do not want to be the sole decision maker in the household. Am I the problem?


----------



## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

You've gotten a guy who's either lazy, doormatish, or just plain incompetent. 

Not all guys are like that. 

Some are confident without being overbearing, bossy or boorish; comfortable in their own skin, who act with an innate sense of propriety, and who act to completion with deliberation after consideration and consultation.

Sorry, I'm taken...


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

My wife and I are partners, usually we discuss stuff first. Some of the stuff she handles, some I do usually depending on our availability. However there have been times when she is like, "I can't do this", I am happy to run everything. Most of the big update projects in the house I ran through contractors and we asked her opinion on things. I pretty much ran most of the big purchases too. However that comes with a price for her which might not be cool with some. For instance I am completely involved with the decorating in our house, I would never live in a house where my wife picked everything without my say. Color, furniture, stuff like that. I was an art major and have a good sense at least as good as my wife. I also was involved in our marriage years ago, I picked colors and had ideas. Not sure if every women would be cool with that.

I have lived on my own since I was 18 so I pretty much could take care of myself from that point forward. We help each other and pick each other up. 

I have a friend whose wife rules the roof, I think they both want it that way. She doesn't seem big on compromise. I for one would never be married to her, the first time she talked to me the way she does him, in the car for instance, she would find herself on the side of the road. Are you sure that's not you? If you don't compromise and have to have things your way. If you have put him down because he doesn't do things the way you would then yes you could be the problem. Maybe he gave up. Maybe this isn't you I can't say.

Just some thoughts.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'm very much a take charge kind of guy, but I'm single. 

For example I dated a woman last year and it blew her mind that I once noticed she needed something done on her house (very minor) I just took care of it and never told her.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Is the thread title tongue-in-cheek, or serious? 

Or was it just a click-bait so you could complain about your husband?


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

No, it's not click bait to complain. I really want to know if people do actually have a co team life style. I am not talking I want a man to make every decision. He makes decisions on stuff like furniture and anything that is a quick easy decision. Anything that requires depth, or work is out the window. For instance, I handle the bills primarily because they need to be paid on time. No problem, but I want to be able to discuss it with my partner. We have a lot of medical bills and juggling. I basically sit down at the first of the month and say we have this much money and this got paid. He says ok. No real interaction or lets do it together. He doesn't decide on any huge decisions and I do keep him in the loop. But he refuses to make choices. I am not a dictator. I feel forced into this position because left up to him, he wants me to do it or tell him how. I just want to know if people can actually share the responsibilities and take over as one needs to. I don't want to make all the decisions. It's not my personality, I don't want a dictator, I just want to know if people actually have a spouse that coteams and takes over.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@tamara24 What kind of family emergency? Did your husband resent being left behind to deal with the hurricane?

Would your husband recognise your description of the events? Or would his be different?

If so, can you put yourself in his shoes? What would he say?

Is he really just a lazybones? 

My wife has a 30 second rule. If she asks me to do something and I don't immediately drop what I am doing within 30 seconds to do whatever task she needs done, she'll start doing it herself, muttering about how lazy I am, how unreliable I am and so forth.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Of course, there are men like that, you just happen to have picked someone not like that. I assume he's the same guy you married, so the onus is on you. If I knew now the things I know about my wife, I probably wouldn't have married her. That's on me.


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Our youngest daughter was hospitalized in another state. Yes he would recognize the events. We have discussed it several times. He says he will call and nothing has been accomplished. He is not lazy, he works very hard, he just refuses to make decisions. If we go shopping he will help pick out stuff, but major decisions on where the kids went to school, the bills, the house, everything is up to me. I was in a car accident two years ago and I still have issues. He doesn't help with any of the slack. If I ask him to fold the laundry he will do it. If I ask him to pick up dinner, he will do it. But he needs constant direction from what shirt should he wear to being reminded to call people. I have blown up and said I am not your mom! So he stops asking and then he starts again. My friends say stop doing things. So I stop and literally here I sit, since last October and nothing has been handled. Took out a student loan for him to finish school, he didn't even finish the first of three classes because he got stuck. Now had I gone on and helped with finding out what he was supposed to do, he would have finished but at 47, I think he should be able to do this himself. Contractors will not always talk to the woman in the house, they want to talk to the man. I had one literally refer to me as the little lady and ask if my husband was home. Some just give an estimate but I literally have no idea what to ask. Frustration is high. It's gotten worse since we had kids and now. I have told him I do not like to make every decision. He says he will help, it lasts a little while or until a major decision needs to be made and he abandons me with it.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

So it was actually a rhetorical question, you know such men are out there, but you're unhappy that you didn't manage to marry one.

I don't think it's uncommon for a marriage to have one person who prefers to sit back and let the other one take the lead. Man, woman, doesn't matter. That spouse usually brings other good qualities to the relationship - a more laid back, unruffled nature for instance. 

Is that true in your case? Or is it all downside?


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Well, if anything, this is a great place to vent…let it all out, sister!


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Any man worth his salt will come to the forefront when it is required of him!

If he doesn't, then he's not really that much of a man, a family leader, or a faithful believer in Gods wisdom! *


----------



## CatsLoveMe (Jul 21, 2011)

Have you considered that your husband might have undiagnosed ADD? (Needing direction and lack of follow-through are often symptoms.)

I was once in your shoes. Your husband sounds similar to my ex. It is, indeed, a heavy burden to bear if you are looking for a partnership instead.

Thankfully, my current husband and I have a good partnership. It took some trial and error to work out who does what and to learn how to share responsibility. So, yes, there are men out there who will step up.


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

It's not that he is a bad person. He isn't the complimentary laid back person either. He has ADHD but can be extremely focused on things he loves/extremely interested in. We already have a house full of stressors. Over the last two years, they have multiplied and with my own medical, I am beyond exhausted. I don't feel like I have buyers remorse because I honestly haven't seen this type of relationship within my own family. Parents were quite dysfunctional. My dad thinks women are here to serve men. In turn, I am a people person. I love to please. It seems like the older we are, the more he just refuses to make any major decisions or steps forward with handling things. I would like to relax every now and then and let someone take charge. I feel like I can't trust him to do the things he promises to do. I read a lot as my escape and you read about strong partners, men that take charge of things when the partner is down or going through something. I feel like they are for the most part fictional but I gotta wonder if they do exist. I didn't see it as a downside in a lot of areas. I never get questioned on big purchases that we need. I always consult or have him go with me. But I am the ultimate decision maker. Major medical decisions had to be made for our family and he didn't participate. It bothers me. When he got injured at work, his own health and well being was his priority. Not our family. He couldn't see beyond himself. I realize when you are in pain, things get distorted and you can become overwhelmed. But I still had family obligations, responsibilities. Is it too much to think that he has some responsibility in helping make decisions?


----------



## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

No. My husband makes no decisions in anything. If something needs done I have to do it or make the arrangements to have it done. He is a procrastinator if ever there was one. No... He does not take charge. He is a "ride on the shirttails of others" kind of person. He is as emotionless as a doorknob and does not discuss anything with me. It makes for a very difficult life.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

tamara24 said:


> There is no "perfect" person, but I really want someone that can work with me but also can take charge when needed and not be told how to do everything to the point you might as well do it yourself. I am not talking about someone that just is picky and doesn't want things done a certain way and is complaining. I am talking about a man that wants an actual partner but can also lead when needed.


Lots of women have the kind of man you describe. But then, they complain about his other traits. You would too. As you stated, there is no perfect person, so you could appreciate that your guy is exactly what you describe above, but there would be plenty other things you would dislike about him and get fed up about.

Some women get duped into marrying a man they think is good and kind and loving - because he presented himself that way in order to trick them - only to later learn he is everything BUT good and kind and loving but is actually a controlling abusive jerk. Narcissists and borderlines are notorious for preying and targeting their victims like that. But were you duped into thinking your husband is the kind of man you described above, or did you just assume all men are that way. We women have a tendency of marrying the man in our head and then get disappointed when the realy man we married doesn't fit the profile of our imagination. Also, I can't help thinking you've been displeased about this trait in his personality for long enough that you would either accept how he is and just keep taking charge when needed, or you would have gotten rid of him to find the man you described. He's not changing and neither are you, but someone has to. Has he no redeeming qualities? I bet if you lost him, you'd find an awful lot of things you loved and appreciated about him. So maybe try to focus on those and count your blessings. He's not a narcissist, he's not a bordeline, and he's not cheating on you. Those alone are great cause for gratitude.

Just food for thought, there are millions of people who are on the austism spectrum and ADD spectrum who went undiagnosed in their developing years. Lots of adults are discovering they are ADD and never knew. Your husband may not be autistic or ADD, but it does sound like he has some kind of undiagnosed issue that you may want to have him get tested for. Talk with his doctor to ascertain if these characteristics appear symptomatic of something that medication could help him with. I have an 18 year old grandson who was diagnosed Asperger's when he was 7. Asperger's is on the autistic spectrum understood to be high functioning with a few slight autistic characteristics that expess themselves in mostly undectable ways. He's a whiz academically, he manages his money well, he can learn how to do anything he is taught, but he has to be told to do them. His dad taught him how to fix a toilet, but he will leave it broken until someone tells him to fix it. So he's not take charge in that fashion. He knows how to drive and is a good driver but when I said I was going to teach him how to drive a manual shift, my daughter told me she would be too afraid for him to learn because it requires quick thinking and being able to manage many criteria at the same time, and he can't do that. He's great at problem solving but really sucks at multi tasking. He can tease and joke but doesn't always understand when other people do it. The way you describe your husband is the way I can imagine my grandson will be when he's older.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

tamara24 said:


> It's not that he is a bad person. He isn't the complimentary laid back person either. He has ADHD



So I went back to finish reading the thread. I got to your response here, and this is as far as I could read. I was screetched to a halt right there. Now that I know, and as I suspected, I think you are being extremely unfair to him. You married a guy who has ADHD and complaining about him as if he didn't have ADHD. You can't compare people like that. You can't expect him to be someone other than a man with ADHD. Your title of this thread and all your complaining are completely out of order. Whether the man in your head exists only in books or in the real world, he simply is not the man you married. You married a man with ADHD. Please stop being so unfair and disloyal to him by complaining on the internet about how much he gets on your nerves. 

It would be better for you to learn about his disorder and maybe talk to someone to help you cope and help you be a better partner to him. That might help him be a better partner to you so you won't have to be so frustrated and can start thinking more sensibly about your husband. As long as you get frustrated with his ADHD traits, you will keep making yourself miserable. I have a nephew who is ADHD, so I know how frustrating it can be. I don't have to deal with him often and it's still very frustrating. But again, this is the man you married. Learn how to handle his ADHD so you can stop expecting him to be someone else. Whether or not he exists somewhere else, that man in your head doesn't exist in your life.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

He's one of those guys who needs a mommy to do everything for him but wipe his ass.

The world is full of them.

One plus - he'll never divorce you because he needs someone to chew his food for him and tell him when to come in out of the rain.

Actually, I'm not so sure that's a plus.

In either event, I think you're stuck with what you're stuck with.


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I get that I enabled the monster by picking up and doing everything. That is on me. But several discussions later, I feel like I am talking to a brick wall. Then 
I get told all you do is tell me the negative things I do. There isn't much positive when he sits on his phone or reads his kindle. If you say anything he is tired and hurts and is trying to relax. He does work in the heat all day so I get it. But he was off work for two months and still couldn't manage getting anything accomplished. I resent that I don't have a partner. when I get fed up and do lose it. I see him and the kids roll their eyes and give that look, CRAZY MOMMY is back. It annoys the **** out of me. LUKEDOG, don't you resent it?


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

tamara24 said:


> I resent that I don't have a partner. when I get fed up and do lose it. I see him and the kids roll their eyes and give that look, CRAZY MOMMY is back. It annoys the **** out of me. LUKEDOG, don't you resent it?


Yeah, my son rolled his eyes at me once. Once. He was about 13 at the time. It hasn't happened again. If my partner ever did it, that too would be the last time. Because we'd either be in intensive marriage counseling to address an obvious lack of respect within the relationship, or I would be gone. 

Some people are takers, others are givers. You appear to be a giver. The problem is that your husband appears to be a taker. And you've both apparently trained your children to be takers, too. The truth is, most people will treat you as well or as poorly as you allow them to. Your husband treats you poorly because you've stuck around all this time, essentially telling him it's okay to do that. Your children treat you poorly because you've raise them to accept their father's view of you without challenge and because you've devoted yourself to over-giving. 

But here's the thing: Over-giving is just as dysfunctional as over-taking. You're not any more emotionally healthy than your husband. You two have similar levels of dysfunction, that happen to complement and reinforce the other. The truth is that you both have issues that are contributing to the unhealthy dynamic in your marriage. Which is why it's been suggested to you, more than once, that you get yourself into therapy. You need someone to help you learn to build a healthy level of self-esteem and self-respect. You need someone to help you learn to manage, redirect, and eliminate your resentment. You need someone to help you figure out how to stop over-giving and stop being co-dependent.You need someone to help you learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Those are things that you can do that will make a real difference in your life.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Sounds like he's fallen into the trap of complacency which is very common in relationships. Most likely if there isn't a motivating factor to change he'll just stay the same and you can either accept him as he is or call it quits. 

I'm going to tell you a generalization that you might not like. The self-driven and motivated guys that take charge are unlikely to be in a relationship with someone with your personality type because they aren't looking for a mommy and aren't attracted to women that display those relationship characteristics. The women with the mommy personalities that tend to run the families and make all the decisions do actually get some degree of personal satisfaction (even if they complain about it) by being the glue that holds the family together, so they usually are subconsciously looking for a partner that is less motivated so they can be in a relationship where they are needed.


----------



## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

Tamara are you sure you aren't married to my husband? LOL
Hey, you got him to fold laundry, thumbs up for that one!
Yet my H who probably does have a form of AHAD, is able to be a good provider, able to fix complex machinery yet can't start a laundry machine LOL

However, as Starfires said " I bet if you lost him, you'd find an awful lot of things you loved and appreciated about him. So maybe try to focus on those and count your blessings." I bet if you were suddenly single at your age you would be grateful if you found someone identical to your husband.

As they say the grass is always greener. Those idealistic men we imagine in our mind's eye are just that, imaginary. We can work on ourselves to see if what we are doing can change enough to get different reactions. There is no denying that we are half the situation. We chose the men we chose. Maybe we didn't want to feel over powered by a guy who had to have a lot of input way back when we were choosing. Somehow I think most women know, at least subconsciously, who they are marrying and the dynamics of the relationship, or they create those dynamics along the way. However even if we don't change and don't get any more involvement from our spouses, sometimes seeing our glasses as half full is the best thing to do.

The reality of life is not whether you had the ideal marriage depicted in some movie, it's whether or not you're happy in life. There are a lot of guys out there who are worse.

BTW there is no betrayal by discussing this online in a forum. Sometimes it helps to see the responses other people have. Sometimes it helps to see if responses come from people who are happy or those who aren't. If it makes you feel better I used to feel the way you do. In fact I often still do. I even dealt with the contractors etc. The bottom line is whether or not you would really be happier if you were alone. I'm guessing you would be miserable. That may be a projection as I know I would be. So when I am at my best (which is far from all the time as that would be an unrealistic expectation of myself) I try to act in ways that get my husband more involved. I try to see how my actions and reactions seem to him. It's hard. Criticizing and complaining is a natural first instinct but it almost always has the reverse effect than what's desired.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm in an interesting business. I get to see this dynamic often. I sell kitchen cabinets.

A couple comes in and the husband leans back and says what ever she wants. . . .
The wife says But what do you like, What do you think of this, and so on. especially colors.
The man's attitude is The kitchen is your room and You can have as much as we can afford. He really doesn't have much of an opinion on the colors.

She feels that this is a major purchase and it should be done as a team. 

They are BOTH RIGHT.

I don't see decision avoidance as an ADHD trait. I do see it as a conflict avoidance tactic. What I really gather from your posts is that the most frustrating thing is that he Doesn't take charge. That means that when he sees a problem, (Roof missing from house) He doesn't start Acting on steps to solve the problem. (temporary tarps, insurance, contractor, etc.) . This probably carries on to smaller things, Need dinner, chose menu, gather ingredients, cook food . . . . Instead he waits for you to approve the menu, even when you are not there.

There are two things that will help with this. One you don't second guess his decisions after the fact. (what?, you fed the kids cake for breakfast?) And second, Maturity. Sorry that comes from time and experience.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

tamara24 said:


> Then I get told all you do is tell me the negative things I do.





Mr. Nail said:


> I do see it as a conflict avoidance tactic.


Precisely.

I let my W handle EVERYTHING. She will complain that I'm "too passive"...but, the truth is, I would far rather let her hire the contractor to fix things in the house. I am perfectly capable of doing it. But I don't want to PAY THE PRICE of hearing about it for the next two years. I've never done anything, not even the first thing, that she was pleased with. Neither has anyone else, that I know of.

She is such a control freak that every detail of every action made must have every t crossed, and i dotted, and nothing, but nothing, but nothing can ever be left undone until tomorrow. Everything must be done, and all the mess cleaned up, and all details settled, in the next 5 minutes. And, I will be assigned my next task after 2-1/2 minutes of working on the first one, and asked when the first one is going to be done.

She has no comprehension that in work, 10-minute jobs can turn into 2 or 3 hours, if problems are encountered, materials are short or incorrect, etc. She cannot understand why I answer "I don't know" to "how long will this take". She doesn't understand that I am simply telling her the truth.... she thinks I am "buying time" for planned procrastination. 

Oh, and BTW.... the contractors don't do it right, or quick enough, either. But they can go home. If I hire the contractor.....then anything she isn't pleased about the delivered job will be my fault.


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

@StarFires, He wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until we had been married for six years and had our first child. I have gone to counselors, read books, articles, watched seminars as I have two kids with it. I have done all the stuff recommended. But at some point, he has to be accountable for his own responsibilities. ADHD is not a permission slip to dump on another person. I have gone to counseling, I have worked around his ADHD with reminders, forgiveness, and tolerance when he forgets. But there ways of coping that he could be using to help himself. He has a phone to put reminders in, he can plan ahead, he can make a list on his phone that is attached to him every waking second. I don't believe that I am being unfair by wanting someone to be a partner and not a third child. I do not want to be his mom. I think he can handle situations, he chooses not to because it is a lot of work. Yes, I have done it for a very long time but not because I enjoy it but because if I didn't, it would not get done. I love being a mom, I love being a wife, but I want someone to work with me and take over when things are overwhelming. I have also discussed him going for help. He agrees but does not even make a step to go for help. He complains he has no motivation. Well then you need to talk with someone. I can't hold his hand to do everything. He is an adult. I am more than willing to support him but I don't want to do everything alone. I feel alone. No, I am not happy. I am exhausted and burnt out. But I still have responsibilities and I am accountable for them, no matter how exhausted I get. I most likely, would not be happy alone but in a way I am alone.


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

TJW said:


> I let my W handle EVERYTHING. She will complain that I'm "too passive"...but, the truth is, I would far rather let her hire the contractor to fix things in the house. I am perfectly capable of doing it. But I don't want to PAY THE PRICE of hearing about it for the next two years. I've never done anything, not even the first thing, that she was pleased with. Neither has anyone else, that I know of.
> 
> She is such a control freak that every detail of every action made must have every t crossed, and i dotted, and nothing, but nothing, but nothing can ever be left undone until tomorrow. Everything must be done, and all the mess cleaned up, and all details settled, in the next 5 minutes. And, I will be assigned my next task after 2-1/2 minutes of working on the first one, and asked when the first one is going to be done.
> 
> ...


This isn't me. I only get freaked out when it is something like forgetting meds for our daughter, or something important. I don't get freaked about little stuff. I got a chronically ill daughter, life is just way too short, don't sweat the small stuff. But maybe that is where the problem has come in because I don't let the small stuff get to me. I don't go around holding him accountable for the small stuff because it's easier for me to do it than ***** about it. Plus my mom found something wrong with everything. That drives me insane. I can say five things positive and one negative and I am the Debbie downer. If I say, these are my expectations, and list them clearly, then I don't see how you don't follow through. For example, we wanted to do something big for our 25th. wedding anniversary. We have a timeshare and got a week in Italy. We were supposed to plan the trip together.This was an absolutely a huge deal for us! One month before the trip and no plans were made. So I made all the plans, reservations etc. Then I stated very clearly. I have made all the plans for Italy, booked the trains and everything. The only night I did not plan anything was our actual anniversary and since I planned every one of those, I would like you to plan it. Ok, he can do it. Get to Italy the night of our anniversary and well my buddy didn't get back to me so I didn't plan anything. I thought we could walk around. We ended up eating at a bar. No effort whatsoever. Didn't even talk to me before we left and say hey, I didn't come up with anything, waited until that night. I don't think you can blame ADHD on it, I think it is being thoughtless.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

tamara24 said:


> @StarFires, He wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until we had been married for six years and had our first child. I have gone to counselors, read books, articles, watched seminars as I have two kids with it. I have done all the stuff recommended. But at some point, he has to be accountable for his own responsibilities. ADHD is not a permission slip to dump on another person. I have gone to counseling, I have worked around his ADHD with reminders, forgiveness, and tolerance when he forgets. But there ways of coping that he could be using to help himself. He has a phone to put reminders in, he can plan ahead, he can make a list on his phone that is attached to him every waking second. I don't believe that I am being unfair by wanting someone to be a partner and not a third child. I do not want to be his mom. I think he can handle situations, he chooses not to because it is a lot of work. Yes, I have done it for a very long time but not because I enjoy it but because if I didn't, it would not get done. I love being a mom, I love being a wife, but I want someone to work with me and take over when things are overwhelming. I have also discussed him going for help. He agrees but does not even make a step to go for help. He complains he has no motivation. Well then you need to talk with someone. I can't hold his hand to do everything. He is an adult. I am more than willing to support him but I don't want to do everything alone. I feel alone. No, I am not happy. I am exhausted and burnt out. But I still have responsibilities and I am accountable for them, no matter how exhausted I get. I most likely, would not be happy alone but in a way I am alone.


This is understandably very frustrating for you, and I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. But I still say you're not getting it. You continue to want him to be the husband he isn't. You continue to want him to be someone that he isn't. I don't blame your frustration or your need for the husband that you want. But you have to accept that's not the husband or the person that he is. So it doesn't matter what you think he is capable of doing. The only thing that matters is what he actually is capable of doing and what he's not capable of doing. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married to the type of man that you need in a husband, but, again, that's not the man you are married to. You can relieve yourself of a lot of the frustration when you accept that.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You started a thread on July 15, 2010 questioning whether you should remain in or leave this marriage. His behavior was basically the same then as it is now. 

You are still frustrated. You are still complaining/venting about his behavior(s). He's not going to change. He does not want to change.

I was married to a take-charge man. I liked it. I didn't like his addiction, which is why I left the marriage.

I think it boils down to what we can tolerate when we look at the total package. You would like it if your husband would change the no-take-charge aspect of his personality. You are frustrated that he won't or can't. However, your continued frustration is not going to change what is.

Unfortunately, this is what you have to live with. At this point, you have to choose whether or not you want to tolerate it. Sorry, but I don't see any other solution.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I'm going to offer a very strong, but personal opinion here, which may or may not be useful to you. 

I do like to take charge.

(there are exceptions, especially if she's unusually motivated about something, or if she's just flat better at something than I am, but I take the lead an overwhelming majority of the time. As a team, we're very good at knowing and executing whatever's best for the team) 

My wife likes it that that's how I am. 

Part of the reason I like it is it makes me feel useful. I'm not so much a control freak as someone continually driven to excel, make things better, and justify my place. My wife appreciates this greatly.

Personally, I can't comprehend a man who doesn't have at least a little bit of this innate drive. maybe not to my level, but there's gotta' be at least a little something. A spark. A gleam. A modicum of desire to serve and improve. 

In my estimation, any man who is that lacking in this area is not mate material.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lukedog said:


> No. My husband makes no decisions in anything. If something needs done I have to do it or make the arrangements to have it done. He is a procrastinator if ever there was one. No... He does not take charge. He is a "ride on the shirttails of others" kind of person. He is as emotionless as a doorknob and does not discuss anything with me. It makes for a very difficult life.


That sounds like disordered thinking. Is he ASD?


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Ok, I guess I should give a couple of examples and get your opinion on if it is truly him or is it me? Yes, I was here in 2010 and things were awful. Our first child has Aspergers, JRA and ADHD and our second child was sick and we did not have a complete diagnosis. Now we know she has gastroparesis, POTS, IBS, Anxiety and a gastric pacemaker. I am the primary person to take care of her stuff, I pay bills, yard work, meals, clean house, laundry, groceries and etc.. Life is not easy with a kid with Aspergers and a chronically ill kid. We did work through a lot of stuff and he stepped up. Then in 2016, my son and I were in a car accident in which the woman rear ended me texting, totaled my car, resulted in two surgeries for me, my son has several disc issues in the spine but they take longer to heal because of arthritis. A month before this happened hubby injured his knee. It was all about his pain, his needs, get ugly with everyone. In the meantime, I was dealing with our daughter, developed migraines from neck injury, trying to work, and my grandmother fell ill and I am her POA. So to say high stress is an understatement.
Here is my first example:

Hubby had surgery in the week of Thanksgiving, I had my surgery( that got delayed so I could take care of him) December 15. The day of my surgery he is totally attentive and I hurt. I slept most of the day when we got home. That evening my son says I will watch a movie with you. Hubby says no she is going to bed. I had been up for an hour. So son says, I will watch her. Hubby says I am going to bed and proceeds to take not one but two pain pills. I went to bed and woke up at 3am and couldn't take off the sling and my arm had swollen to the point the bandages were cutting into me. I called out three times for my husband. No response. My son, who sleeps like a log, ends up hearing me when I finally keep attempting to get it off myself and comes to help. I am livid that knowing I had surgery and all the way up to that point, he only took one pill, why the day he knows I would need the most help, he takes two. Not to mention, he isn't able to transport my daughter if we have to suddenly take her to the hospital. He says, my son insisted he would do it and he was tired and hurt. My son insisted he would help me get settled to bed not take care of me all night. I slept on the couch because we were both concerned about him rolling over and accidently hitting my arm.

Second example:
I finally get settlement money a year later to replace car. We purchased a van a month after the accident to transport our daughter and two service dogs. So I take the money for the van(which is his primary vehicle and because of a last minute mix up at the dealership, his name is the only one on the title.) and pay it off. I then purchase a car as the kids are getting older and I know I will be doing a lot of driving and want something with good gas economy. I did all the research, figured out the lowest price and went in and he sat there while I finagled the car sale. It took us three days and I did a great job. So we go back to fill out paperwork, and the guy is like ok, so I put the car in your name first and hubby says yep. I asked the salesman to give us a minute and I say, we talked about this, because of a situation in the past and the fact my name is not on the van, I want my name on the car. That is just STUPID. We never have his or hers, it is always us. So he says it doesn't matter, but if it will make you feel batter, I will get your name on the van. I said yes, it would. In our state, the first person on the title legally owns the car(didn't know this until the accident) so we go to sign and the dealership listed him as first person on title. I am livid. It was like the old boys school! I waited until we left because it really doesn't matter, but it bothers me to some degree. I bring it up again and he was like if it means so much, I will have them switch it and he is livid! We go to pick up the car and we have to sign all the paperwork again. The guy acted like I was a jerk about having to redo the paperwork. My husband even has to comment that it wouldn't have taken so long had we not have to redo everything. I got my car in June of last year and my name still isn't on the van because he doesn't deem it as important and when I bring it up to him, he says I will make the appointment when we have an extra 100 to blow on getting your name on. So I am guilted into not getting it done because we don't have much to spare with all the medical going on. I think it is really about just not caring to do it, not a underhanded thing but we discussed it prior to getting the car.

Finally, He started school. He should have been finished last December and we have taken three loans out and he did not complete the classes each time. I refuse to take out another school loan. He says he wants to go to school, but doesn't feel motivated. I tell him we are not signing up for more classes until he talks to someone. Maybe there is more to all this , all about me attitude and anger after this past two years dealing with his knee and finally having to have knee replacement. That was two months ago and he still hasn't bothered to make a call on getting an appointment. Complaining that there is something not right but refuses to initiate getting help. Now if I make the call, set up everything, he will go but at what point do I stop doing everything? When I asked why he didn't finish the class he says I got stuck and couldn't figure it out. He is extremely smart. So I say, ok, did you contact the teacher? Did you ask if there was a tutor available? I didn't think about it was his response. Now had he alerted me, I would have suggested these things but because I couldn't do them for him, he just basically blew another student loan. I do have resentful feelings over the last one. We don't have money to waste. He wants out of the job he is in so badly but he is more content to gripe about it than to do anything.

Is it him or is it me? Honestly, I am looking for honest opinions and not griping, I just want to know if others feel that his behavior is like I do? I have my own whopping issues and by no means an innocent in all this, but a lot of my insecurities and stress is caused by his inability to take charge and do his part. It would be a lot less stressful if I didn't have to worry when he says he is going to do something, he does it.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Why did you bring him with you to buy the car?


----------



## MichelleThoughts (Jun 24, 2018)

My husband is more of a take-charge person and it works for us. I'm just more go-with-the-flow and he is more particular. I sometimes wonder if he goes a little too far in the controlling direction but I still would rather he be this way than overly passive. One of the things that impresses me about him is how capable and intelligent he is about staying on top of things (I'm more forgetful) and making good choices. He always checks with me first though before any big decisions and I feel like there is a mutual respect.


----------



## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

tamara24 said:


> I posted in the ladies lounge, but I really want to know. There is no "perfect" person, but I really want someone that can work with me but also can take charge when needed and not be told how to do everything to the point you might as well do it yourself. I am not talking about someone that just is picky and doesn't want things done a certain way and is complaining. I am talking about a man that wants an actual partner but can also lead when needed. For example, one of my biggest issues right now is that we were hit with a hurricane last October. My husband stayed behind while I dealt with a family emergency out of state. He contacted the insurance and of course, they didn't even give us enough to pay for the roof let alone the other damage to the house. He has not followed up on a single thing. It won't get done unless I literally do it and I have refused to the point I worry the insurance won't pay out. He doesn't help with decisions with the household or kids, I just tell him what was done. The thing is, I never wanted to be that type of person but he keeps putting me in that position time and time again. I do not want to be the sole decision maker in the household. Am I the problem?


One thing that I've always believed is that if one person starts something or accepts the responsibility to handle something, that that person should be the one to follow through with whatever it is until the end. If they need help with something, then yes ask for help, but ultimately the person who starts it should be responsible to see it through. For me, there have been things that have come up over the years that I said I would take care of, but then while doing so came across some issues that my now almost ex-wife had more knowledge of, so I explained things to her and then she took over whatever it was. There are a lot of things that come up in relationships, families and life in general, no one is equipped to handle all of them on their own. There needs to be communication and understanding in order for anything to work.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You keep asking if it's you or him, there's an easy way to determine that -

If you stopped doing everything would he step up and get everything done to a degree that the utilities would not be **** off, the cars would not be repossed, the kids would be properly nourished and receive appropriate immunizations and properly medical care etc etc? 

....or would the DHS get called to check on the welfare of the kids, the car repo'd, trash and filth piled up in unsanitary conditions everywhere in the house and the house falling apart with bugs and vermin infesting it?

If you were to vanish and he would step up to the plate and and keep bills caught up, have the house in a safe and sanitary condition and the kids properly nourished and in good care --- then he is likely just lazy and shiftless because he knows you'll do it and you'll do it better and faster than him and will complain about whatever he does, so he just doesn't do it.

But if he would be actually negligent and threaten the health and welfare of the home and family if you weren't there, Then he has a real problem.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

There is nothing wrong with that view. Women tend to want a man that is more dominant and can take charge and lead. Its is very normal.

Now, there are some women that are more dominant themselves and tend to attract submissive men, because those are the only types that will put up with them.

I've been with women on both sides of the spectrum. I can from experience say I so much prefer to make a few hard decisions than to be a whipping boy! If you are submissive they will probably cheat on you anyways because I'm willing to bet these dominant women don't respect you and really want a man to dominate her.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

So sad to read/hear people asking this type of question nowadays: this is what a lot men in today's mostly western world have been reduced to. 

Not me, as a man, at the end of the day when a situation arise in my relationship I take charge and what I say goes. Most of the time thought is either consentual or I let the wife have her way when it is something that is not that important (It benefits me, or I just don't care). 
In the end my wife's happy, I'm happy, and that's that. I don't care if anybody else has a different opinion about it.


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

My wife and I agreed early on that I am captian of the ship and she's first mate. We ARE a team and we discuss things before a decision is made with a few exceptions like cars for example. I quit taking her with because she thinks "that's a pretty color" and has refused to consider anything else but the color, so now she gets to drive what I bring home to her. We will discuss every major decision but if a consensus can't be made then I call the shots. 

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk


----------

