# Husband's Insecurity About My Ex



## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

I got a new job about two weeks ago! It’s a mid-level one but i’m happy to be back in the game. Problem is husband isn’t too excited about it cause the one who hired me is my ex-fiance’s brother. Ex works there to but on different floor. I’m not sure if his insecurity related to history of his affair or not

He started to criticize me in every aspect,the one in bracket is my explanation to him
1. You’re starting to lose weight (i don’t eat snack as much anymore)
2. That skirt is inappropriate (it’s a normal pencil skirt,what are you talking about ?)
3. Too much makeup (it’s workplace,off course just powder and mascara won’t do)
4. You’re home way too late (6.30 p.m is normal for this job) 
5. Don’t you think that heels is too high ? (it’s the same like i used to wear years ago)

One time i came home at 10 pm and all i wanted was to shower and sleep but hold a moment, he sat on the front porch with grumpy expression. He interrogated me although i already texted to let him know i was gonna be late. He asked whether ex was in the meeting or not, who else was there, why it took a long time etc etc. Even when i came home at 6 or 7 he kept asking the same question and he always gave me this distrust look

Last saturday i took one of my kid to doctor, on way home he threw up so i had to clean my car and i found a small black stick device beneath driver’s seat. I didn’t know what the heck was that so i googled the brand and type, it was a voice recorder. Take a wild guess who put it there, i was too angry at this point

I asked him why did he do that and he said he feels entitled to know what’s going on in my life, i agreed but i asked him isn’t hidden voice recorder just show that he’s paranoid. He said he’s afraid i that i’m gonna cheat since our marriage isn’t in a great condition. I told him that i rarely meet my ex and no longer feel anything towards him. He didn’t buy it. 

Can someone explain to me why he acts like that ? Why is he so insecure when i give him no reason to ?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What are you doing about your marriage not being in good shape? Has he demonstrated jealousy before?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get some marriage counseling for both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*He said that I’ve given up on him, 3 days ago he asked if I love him or not, it took less than 5 seconds for me to answer “NO”. He cried but I didn’t feel anything, he said he’d do anything to keep our family together

Should we go back to MC or what ? *

The above is from your other thread.

Your husband is either projecting or based upon your statement that you don't love him, he fears you are cheating on him.

You are in limbo about what you want to do. Let him play his little games and stay on the high road. You have time to sort out what you want to do.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Normally, this amount of distrust is for a reason. 

You mention that your husband had an affair, but did you? Were you married when you met your current husband?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Thorburn said:


> *He said that I’ve given up on him, 3 days ago he asked if I love him or not, it took less than 5 seconds for me to answer “NO”. He cried but I didn’t feel anything, he said he’d do anything to keep our family together
> 
> Should we go back to MC or what ? *
> 
> ...


I missed this. If she told him she doesn't love him, then that is why he is not trusting.

Quite often when someone tells their spouse that they don't love them, the reason is because they met someone else. The husband is trying to find out if there is someone else.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd agree with the previous posters. For that matter, if he came in here and told us what you've told us, he'd likely be getting advice to track down the other man. Thus the VAR. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

*Normally, this amount of distrust is for a reason.
You mention that your husband had an affair, but did you? Were you married when you met your current husband?*

I didn't
We were both single, first date was 4 months after i broke up with ex-fiance (dated for 10 years), he broke up with last gf 5 months before that or so

*I missed this. If she told him she doesn't love him, then that is why he is not trusting.
Quite often when someone tells their spouse that they don't love them, the reason is because they met someone else. The husband is trying to find out if there is someone else. *

He asked me that before i got the job. I respect him as the father of my kids but after the affair it's to difficult for me to be with him. He practically ignored me emotionally and sexually before A and after he got caught suddenly he's a great husband. It's hard to buy that


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Hmm, HE is the one who had an affair, yet he distrusts you.

Truth is, cheaters see cheating everywhere. He thinks you might cheat because he certainly was capable of it and did. 

He fears losing you. Being told that you don't love him is not going to allay those fears, but heighten them.

Get back to MC and keep working on this.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If he's a cheater he thinks you will cheat. Its how yhey think. Tell him to f off.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> The above is from your other thread.
> Your husband is either projecting or based upon your statement that you don't love him, he fears you are cheating on him.
> You are in limbo about what you want to do. Let him play his little games and stay on the high road. You have time to sort out what you want to do.


You're right, i think he's worry that i'll cheat because he's capable of it thus i am too
I'll discuss to him about another MC,but if he keeps acting this way i don't think that will do much. Sometimes i feel like i have no back bone for staying, sad but true. If we don't have kids i'd have walked away, but we do have kids and he's a great dad

After his affair he told me to have one so we're square, i told him my self-esteem and moral wasn't that low. My guess is he wanted to take the heat off of himself and to 'lift' his position a bit


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

As everyone else has said, he cheated on you and now he's worried you will - regardless of your morals. That said, take a step back for a moment and look at the big picture. YOU stayed with him even though you from what some pulled from another thread you don't "love him".

Why stay?

He is going to worry because of what he's done and when he sees you in a pencil skirt and high heels, well - that's probably something he looked for in his affair partner and is projecting that image onto you. I don't want to point out the elephant in the room, but you do work with a former lover. Again, regardless of your morals, that is going to create friction.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

This might not be the most popular advice (and I didnt read your other thread, so I might be off base a bit)

He cheated, you caught him. YOU decided to stay and keep the marriage going. Its not fair to anyone for you stay in a marriage if you dont love the guy. If you cant truly R with him, then you need to end it. 

That being said, excluding (but not excusing his affair), I dont think normal married people get jobs working with ex-fiances. Period. If my wife dated a guy for 10 years, was engaged to marry him, and then left him for me. There isnt a change I would be OK with her working with him. I think in your situation that just magnifies your issues. Its definitely not something thats gonna HELP R. Its going to be a huge R road block (as it already is)

Put the shoe on the other foot (again, removing the affair element). How comfortable would you be if he was leaving every day, looking like hot ass stud, working late and all of this was going on with his ex girl friend and her sister. Its flat out disrespectful.

Now, if you are still bitter about the affair and taking this job was not only to boost your ego, but knowing that the "ex" element would rub some salt in the wound...well, then did it right...cause your husband is hurt by it.


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## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

You probably have great partner who want to take care of you but sometimes it looks little be much. 
Your partner doesnt working too? Why are you not jealous about when he late come back from the work? Maybe its frustrating for him.

I understand him in some things


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I was going to say pretty much what happy g did so I agree with him.

I have never cheated and neither has Mrs. Conan. If she even hinted at getting a job or hobby where her ex worked, the holy hell of all sh!t would hit the fan!

If she still decided to take the job, after I had blown every fuse in my system, there would be divorce papers waiting for her when she got home from work.

Without this being revenge, it doesn't make sense.

If you want to R, this is exactly the wrong thing to do.

This would harm a healthy marriage, maybe even kill it.

You are definitely going to put the last nail in the coffin with this job and attitude.

If that is your intention, you should just divorce. The extra pain you are inflicting on your H will screw with your kids anyway.

Very sorry for your pain, but I think you might be adding to it with your current plan.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> He said he’s afraid i that i’m gonna cheat since our marriage isn’t in a great condition. I told him that i rarely meet my ex and no longer feel anything towards him. He didn’t buy it.


The above quote is your answer. What are the two of you doing to get your marriage to where it needs to be? I am not sure from what you wrote, but you seem to indicate that your husband has had an affair in the past, or was it you? Healing from these kind of incidents doesn't just happen. Are you sure having this job is what is best for your marriage?


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## crankinfinity (May 5, 2014)

ire8179 said:


> You're right, i think he's worry that i'll cheat because he's capable of it thus i am too


Lots of people like to think they are immune, but everyone can be a cheater in the right circumstance.



ConanHub said:


> You are definitely going to put the last nail in the coffin with this job and attitude.


This. Just by reading your writing, it's obvious how angry you are. Conan is right - commit to working on the marriage or end it.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> *Normally, this amount of distrust is for a reason.
> You mention that your husband had an affair, but did you? Were you married when you met your current husband?*
> 
> I didn't
> ...


All I needed to read..

So what is the fvcking point of being married ? 

Look fix this sh1t with him or move on.. But make sure this is what you want because I am going to tell you divorce is no bed or roses for ANYONE on either side..

What your doing now is punishing him for his affair.. Okay.. We get it, but it doesn't fix anything honestly.. 

Go to counseling or go to a lawyer... But stop wasting both your lives and time..

I get the whole*" look I got a job I can do this on my own, I don't need him or his sh1t.. Look at these guys they are much younger and better looking than my husband. They are showing an interest in me.." *

So now your basking in the sunlight of attention of other men.. It feels good.. It gives you a confidence you didn't have during his affair.

You both failed to not go to counseling when the affair was discovered. This is why you are both so screwed up and skewed in thoughts about this whole thing going on ATM..

Further counseling is *FOREVER*.. Trust me on this one.. 4 affair from my Ex.. We would go and a year later think things are good then 4 years later it would happen again.. Go to counseling for 1 year and 4 years later it would happen yet again.. 

Doesn't mean you need to go every week but you will or should go at least once every 3 months for maintenance, maybe a 2 hour session during those times. This allows for a opportunity to express some emotions that might have otherwise been kept in.. 

But right now you guys should be going at least once a week together and once apart just to get the ball rolling.. 

OR

1800LAWYER...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I missed this. If she told him she doesn't love him, then that is why he is not trusting.
> 
> *Quite often when someone tells their spouse that they don't love them, the reason is because they met someone else. The husband is trying to find out if there is someone else.*


Except that this husband _cheated _on his wife. Wouldn't his first thought be that his wife doesn't love him because HE CHEATED on her and they are still struggling with reconciliation? 

His first thought SHOULD be that he cheated on her and, clearly, their reconciliation needs more work. His first thought shouldn't be to overlook and ignore his part in creating their current dynamic; it shouldn't be to absolve himself of any connection to the real issue by looking for external reasons why she might not be feeling the love right now. 

If I smash up someone's car, I'm not going to think they're taking the bus because their bicycle has a flat. 

If his spouse says she doesn't love him, his assumption should be it's because because he cheated and his wife hasn't healed from that.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Have you ever cheated?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Holy crap, she asked for some help and some of you are beating her up because "it looks bad" and "she loves working around young guys." So, what?

He made his bed, he needs to man up and deal with the mess he caused. No, I don't care if she really is looking for an exit, he doesn't cheat he may not be in this predicament.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

ire8179 said:


> Why is he so insecure when i give him no reason to ?


 You get hire by your ex-fiancé’s brother to work at a company and in the same building as your ex-fiancé and you wonder why your husband is insecure? Really? The issue is not your husband being insecure. The issue is that you are completely insensitive to your husband's feelings. This is not just an ex-boyfriend; this is an ex-fiancé. You can say that you “no longer feel anything towards” your ex-fiancé till you are blue in the face, but this ex-fiancé’s almost got you to marry him, so he is not just some co-worker. When you try to say otherwise, I don’t “buy it” either.

Obviously the ex-fiancé’s brother that hired you knew you from when you were his brother’s fiancé, and you used that connection to get a job. You should not have done that without making sure that your husband would be good with this. Part of being married is to have boundaries that you may not have if you were single. One boundary that is very common in marriages is that there would be no contact with any ex. You going to your ex-fiancé’s brother to get a job working at the same company at your ex would be viewed by many as a breaking of this boundary. Bottom line, if your husband was to post this on this or any other marriage forum, most people would be telling him to be concerned and to investigate, with some even telling him to plant a VAR in your car.

To be honest, every cheater puts themselves in a position to cheat before they cheat, and then tries to make their spouse appear jealous and controlling when they protest. It is part of the cheaters script. This is not saying that you have cheated, but you certainly have put yourself in a good position to do so. You should not have gone to your ex-fiancé’s for this new job, and if you value your husband’s feelings, you need to immediately look for another job. No matter what you say, your husband will rightfully stress over this for as long as you work there. I would never willingly stress my spouse out like that.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Holy crap, she asked for some help and some of you are beating her up because "it looks bad" and "she loves working around young guys." So, what?
> 
> He made his bed, he needs to man up and deal with the mess he caused. No, I don't care if she really is looking for an exit, he doesn't cheat he may not be in this predicament.


Actually, you're wrong here philly. You are right, he made his bed, but she chose to stay. When you agree to stay and go through R, it doesn't give you a license to hurt your partner. Does she have every right to leave? yes. Does she have every right to sabotage their R, no.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

Originally Posted by phillybeffandswiss View Post
Holy crap, she asked for some help and some of you are beating her up because "it looks bad" and "she loves working around young guys." So, what?

He made his bed, he needs to man up and deal with the mess he caused. No, I don't care if she really is looking for an exit, he doesn't cheat he may not be in this predicament.


she is getting great help. i agree with the 90% here if my wife said hey i just got a job with my ex fiance i would also be all hey there is the door good bye. 

the sad thing is she will listen to the few here that are all it is ok no problem working with a ex lover while you are trying to salvage a relationship. obviously she did this just to hurt him as revenge. the best for both of them would be to divorce clearly she does not want to stay married to him (dont blame her).


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

Hi all, thanks for the responds. I'll reply to your comments one by one



happi_g_more2 said:


> *Now, if you are still bitter about the affair and taking this job was not only to boost your ego, but knowing that the "ex" element would rub some salt in the wound...well, then did it right...cause your husband is hurt by it*.


He cheated, at this point i'm not bitter about it but still trying the accept the new reality. I have zero intention to hurt him or boost my ego by having this job
Me and ex aren't in the same dept and floor, during these two weeks the only time we remotely had interaction was when i saw him walked into the elevator, he didn't see me. Husband knows this but he doesn't trust me



happi_g_more2 said:


> That being said, excluding (but not excusing his affair), *I dont think normal married people get jobs working with ex-fiances. Period. If my wife dated a guy for 10 years, was engaged to marry him, and then left him for me. * There isnt a change I would be OK with her working with him. I think in your situation that just magnifies your issues. Its definitely not something thats gonna HELP R. Its going to be a huge R road block (as it already is)


I didn't let ex for h, we started to date months after it was over. I wanted kids, ex didn't

In this field for mid level,employer prefer someone who has continous experience, i had never heard of someone with more than a decade gap years get hired so finding a sparkly unicorn would be easier. H knows this facts
The only reason i got interviewed was because previous person in my current position suddenly passed away so when i got the offer i took it right away


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

bestwife said:


> You probably have great partner who want to take care of you but sometimes it looks little be much.
> Your partner doesnt working too? Why are you not jealous about when he late come back from the work? Maybe its frustrating for him.
> I understand him in some things


He works, usually comes home sooner than me
If he's late i don't get jealous because his reasons makes sense, he usually text/call me for heads up. I try to reciprocate and do the same but so far his reactions wasn't like mine


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I was going to say pretty much what happy g did so I agree with him.
> 
> I have never cheated and neither has Mrs. Conan. If she even hinted at getting a job or hobby where her ex worked, the holy hell of all sh!t would hit the fan!


Even if they aren't in same dept and floor and very rarely interact ? Will that make things slightly better or just the same ?



ConanHub said:


> If she still decided to take the job, after I had blown every fuse in my system, there would be divorce papers waiting for her when she got home from work.
> 
> Without this being revenge, it doesn't make sense.
> 
> ...


Before i got interviewed i told h about this, he seemed ok about it. My guess is because he doubted that i'd get it, he's in the same field and like me he had never heard of people with decade gap years in my current job

He was quite supportive when i got it but i guess he changed his mind

No,not revenge. This chance was just too good to passed on. If i didn't accept this job there's a gigantic chance i'll never work in this field again. That's nail in the coffin career wise

Put it like this,after his affair i trust him enough to get back in the same field, why can't he reciprocate and trust me when i never cheated before?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> Even if they aren't in same dept and floor and very rarely interact ? Will that make things slightly better or just the same ?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I see a lot of justifications in your responses. He "seemed" okay with it. Do you really think that after exposing his A that he feels he has a leg left to stand on in what he feels is right and wrong? So many times we tell the cheater that they have no right to say what is right and wrong after their actions and maybe in this case he feels this way so he has nothing to say but go along with it?

Do you think you only got the job because of who you knew? How did you know the ex and his brother worked there prior to the interview? Not belittling your abilities but your first post pointed out the ex-fiance's brother hired you and the ex-fiance was working there (basically saying I have a leg up) and now you are saying that most never get this opportunity with such a gap in continuity. So then why did you get this opportunity, have you asked yourself this (and maybe thought that at some point the favor will be called upon to be reciprocated or preyed upon by them)?

I changed careers at around 40 so it is not necessarily a big deal in this day and age, as is this career field really that important?

Is this career field noted for high promiscuity, as why else would you say after his A you trust him enough to let him back into the same field? The career field should have nothing to do with it unless it has something to do with the adult industry where sex "is" the norm.

He can't trust you because before he feels you never had a reason to cheat before and now you do, revenge and the loss of your previous life. You have stated you don't love him, are very excited for the job and to work with the ex-fiance (or so it seems), and hate what he did and feel betrayed because of it. All of these things are reasons that lots give for why they strayed. and sought affections elsewhere Not saying you will but all of the flags are there in his mind I bet.

I am not trying to be mean or demean you in any way, but just show you that what I see as a possibility for his actions he is ashamed and scared.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

You are still trying to justify something that doesnt need justifying. You're husband is effect by this big time. Every guy here has told you there is no way in hell they would let their wife work at the same company with their 10 year dated, engaged, ex-fiance...period. I dont care if he is in the munich office and she is in the san francisco office, it just wouldnt happend. So again, you guys are on rocky ground (all by his doing). If you truly have accepted his affair, forgiven him, and are trying to R....from here it sounds like you simply cant keep this job.
Again, if you dont care enough about his feelings due to his affair, then thats another story....but if you want a successful R, this sounds like something that could prevent it


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

happi_g_more2 said:


> You are still trying to justify something that doesnt need justifying. You're husband is effect by this big time. Every guy here has told you there is no way in hell they would let their wife work at the same company with their 10 year dated, engaged, ex-fiance...period. I dont care if he is in the munich office and she is in the san francisco office, it just wouldnt happend. So again, you guys are on rocky ground (all by his doing). If you truly have accepted his affair, forgiven him, and are trying to R....from here it sounds like you simply cant keep this job.
> Again, if you dont care enough about his feelings due to his affair, then thats another story....but if you want a successful R, this sounds like something that could prevent it


Absolutely agree with that every word 

OP you may have your reasons justified in your head but actually the truth is you working in this environment with this history is wrong . End of 

I'd ask you why at the start of this specific job hunt and acquisition you did not have any alarm bells going off in your choice of job locality ?

You actually thought you going off to work with an ex would run nice and smooth !? In any way at all? Did you?

Would you deny that the thought of contact with your ex in any way did not get you excited ?

I made the same mistake as your husband, thinking "I can't restrict her life etc etc" but I now know I should have come down on her like a ton of bricks the moment she even suggested being within ten miles of ex om especially in a work situation. It was a boundary I should have vigorously enforced 

There are no good intentions that will remain that way if a person is in any contact with an ex on regular basis - NONE

____

An after thought. If you intend staying in your marriage leave this job today. If I was your husband I'd now hang everything on our future on your decision to do that


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

:/ Sad to say but she given up a lot for her husband. Now she is going to have to give up this job to if she wants him happy even though he is a cheater and she isn't. Talk about resentment that will build up.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

TurtleRun said:


> :/ Sad to say but she given up a lot for her husband. Now she is going to have to give up this job to if she wants him happy even though he is a cheater and she isn't. Talk about resentment that will build up.


It should only be resentment if she isn't truly into her marriage and she puts and values it first otherwise it should be viewed a decision made for her life and future happiness as well as his. I agree and I know in that situation I would have a hard time not being resentful as well, but not all people are wired like me and can just move on after an infidelity. She has only been there 2 weeks so we don't even know if she likes and values the job, and neither does she really as the newness hasn't worn off yet, as she admits she has been out of the game so long she is just happy to be back into it. After 6 months a "new jo"b just becomes a "job" once again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> It should only be resentment if she isn't truly into her marriage and she puts and values it first otherwise it should be viewed a decision made for her life and future happiness as well as his. I agree and I know in that situation I would have a hard time not being resentful as well, but not all people are wired like me and can just move on after an infidelity. She has only been there 2 weeks so we don't even know if she likes and values the job, and neither does she really as the newness hasn't worn off yet, as she admits she has been out of the game so long she is just happy to be back into it. After 6 months a "new jo"b just becomes a "job" once again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think she is into her marriage. She already said she doesn't love him....


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> ..... She has only been there 2 weeks so we don't even know if she likes and values the job, and neither does she really as the newness hasn't worn off yet, as she admits she has been out of the game so long she is just happy to be back into it. *After 6 months a "new jo"b just becomes a "job" once again.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think so, not when you're bumping into your ex every other day sharing lunches and as we all know the inevitable chat about well how's it all going now and and and ..........

just another job !? :scratchhead:


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

I'm not sure if this question was asked, but.... What do you really feel for this ex? I mean.... do you have feelings for him?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

TurtleRun said:


> I don't think she is into her marriage. She already said she doesn't love him....


Then how can working the floor below your ex lead to anything other than a rekindling of the 'fires'?

It's inevitable


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

How is it inevitable ? 

Not everyone is a cheater.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Ok, so ...

1 - Husband cheated on you and you decided to stay with him
2 - You tell him you no longer love him, basically you feel "nothing" therefore he's nobody to you
3 - You take a job with an ex where the circumstances of your being hired look really suspicious to the unbiased observer

So what are you doing? What are you hoping to achieve here?

If you truly want to have a chance at salvaging your marriage .. in my 2 cent opinion .. you're doing it wrong. I think its fine to be angry and put draconian restrictions and tracking, etc on your husband to make yourself confident that he is not repeating his cheating ways. 

However, a relationship takes 2 ... if you are going to take a job working with an ex after telling him you feel "nothing" ... your well along the path to relationship self-destruction. You can't act a fool and expect your marriage will last. Regardless of being the betrayer or the betrayed ... both of you still have to "walk the line" going forward in order for the relationship to work.

I've been on both sides of this fence (ie: betrayer and betrayed) and it actually sucks either way. The simple truth is ... only time can heal a wound like yours, but not if you create new "uncomfortable situations" ... in that case, jealousy will eventually consume him ... it did in my case.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

TurtleRun said:


> How is it inevitable ?
> 
> Not everyone is a cheater.


Come off it - her the ex under these circumstances? - just a matter of time....imo

And no not everyone is a cheater BUT you and I would not have taken that job would we ....think about it


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Headspin said:


> BUT you and I would not have taken that job would we ....think about it


That's true BUT he did act like he was ok with it so that's giving mixed signals.

So what if she gets another job and another ex was hired later on ? Would she be expected to quit ? Because now it's just making this problem now be the solution for any other conflict of him being jealous of some guy in any job she has in the future. It seems it is to late for him to have a problem with it now without her having resentment. That's just how I would feel if my husband acted this way (where I would think "how dare he not trust me! im not the one that cheated!") regardless of if she was into the marriage or not. 


This sounds like it's not heading in any good direction at all.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Headspin said:


> I don't think so, not when you're bumping into your ex every other day sharing lunches and as we all know the inevitable chat about well how's it all going now and and and ..........
> 
> just another job !? :scratchhead:


Just because she would have another side interest in that scenario doesn't change the duties of the actual job. The job itself (not the extracurricular side events included) would still be nothing more than a job in that field. I am talking about in general where moving on to a new job, at first everything is exciting and interesting and seems like it is the greatest thing since sliced bread and you float along daily on cloud nine. 

After 6 months, you settle into the routine and days to day activities and the "new and awesome job" now just becomes a "job" again. I was stating this as she is trying to say how happy she is at this job and how she likes it so much, but after 6 months it will only be a job again, just like any other job in that field of interest. The extra side events may make her excited, but they are not part of the job duties itself and don't change the job, juts the environment dynamic.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

TurtleRun said:


> How is it inevitable ?
> 
> Not everyone is a cheater.


When someone that you were and may still be attracted to is around you lots and you feel that your marriage is dead and you are only still married until you can get back on your feet and stable in your lifestyle and then divorce, it can happen very easy.

Not everyone is a cheater, that is for sure, but when you start to view yourself as single, your marriage is over, and your vows were broken already, it is walking a very slippery slope. Do you think that every cheater out there started out knowing that they were going to cheat and it was inevitable? No they got caught in the moment or situation and crossed their boundaries. 

Most were able to convince themselves because everything they saw in their life pointed to them being single and only married on paper as a formality to the wrong individual and this new person was the true one they should have married. They compartmentalize so they don't have to think about what they are doing and then they blame shift and justify so their actions make sense and support their actions.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

TurtleRun said:


> That's true BUT he did act like he was ok with it so that's giving mixed signals.


She says that he "seemed" that way, but maybe he felt awful with it but didn't feel he could actually say anything due to his A (and she wants the job so bad that she interpreted it as he was fine with it). He may believe that supporting her in this is part of the heavy lifting he needs to do and something she wants and needs for healing (then again he may be too weak to stand up to her as well for fear of her walking away from the M which would be justified in response to his A). The A has created more problems than M problems as one can see.



> So what if she gets another job and another ex was hired later on ? Would she be expected to quit ? Because now it's just making this problem now be the solution for any other conflict of him being jealous of some guy in any job she has in the future.[/QOUTE]
> 
> That would be a situation they would have to deal with when it occurs, but at least if the ex was hired after, there would be no question as to what got her hired originally. It would be her interviewing and job skills, and not possibly the fact of solely whom she knew with possible other intentions on the part of the employer. The hypothetical you pose is not something that they can live their life in fear of and is not highly probable (unless she dated lots in the past), but in this case it is a problem as she is electing to put herself directly into that scenario and create that situation, not a good thing to do in my opinion.
> 
> ...


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

This isnt' normal jealous here you are dealing with. A former partner of yours IS working in the same building... 

He's going to be protective about that. You really need to wise up about that.

Sorry, but I am sick and tired of people throwing up the jealously flag simply because someone takes actions to protect their marriage. This is a legitimate concern and you aggravated the problem by dismissing him and arguing with him.

He may not be handling the protecting very well.. but stop playing the jealousy card. it's childish.

You are working in the same building as a former partner. He is going to react to that.

You also don't ADDRESS his concerns, but DISMISS them instead.

What did you expect to happen?

He's not going to ignore the situation. I say good on him for trying to protect his marriage. Given his history it's an improvement.

Address his concerns.. WITHOUT ARGUING and being DISMISSIVE.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your number one priority is no longer your husband that you don't love. Your number one priority is your child. Number two is you. Your child and your child need you to be working in the best job you can get.

The odds are great you are not going to be able to reconcile successfully with a cheater. The odds are only about a one out of three. Lower than that since you don't love him.

Too bad he is lying in the bed he made but his ranking in your priority list is pretty low.

Who did he cheat with and how long ? How do you know it ended?


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

Hardtohandle said:


> I get the whole*" look I got a job I can do this on my own, I don't need him or his sh1t.. Look at these guys they are much younger and better looking than my husband. They are showing an interest in me.." *
> 
> So now your basking in the sunlight of attention of other men.. It feels good.. It gives you a confidence you didn't have during his affair.


Where does that come from ?
I didn't get the job for younger men's interest and attention. I gave up my career after our first kid and became SAHM until now. I gave it all and bad thing happened. One thing that the affair taught me is you shouldn't be too codependent to someone, either emotionally or financially. Don't put all eggs in one basket

I felt like a failure and blamed my self for the collapse of the marriage for the first few months. I doubted myself and lived with multiple voices in my head. Hell it took me months to chose between two new cars. That's what it felt like to me after affair

Yes it gives me self confidence but not from the attention of some young men but to see myself in different angle, but from seeing my favorable outcome. It gives me sense of confidence that i haven't felt in a long time


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

terrence4159 said:


> she is getting great help. i agree with the 90% here if my wife said hey i just got a job with my ex fiance i would also be all hey there is the door good bye.
> 
> the sad thing is she will listen to the few here that are all it is ok no problem working with a ex lover while you are trying to salvage a relationship. obviously she did this just to hurt him as revenge. the best for both of them would be to divorce clearly she does not want to stay married to him (dont blame her).


I read all comments one by one, that's why i posted this on public forum. To gather people's opinion and consider it, and i appreciate people who cares

Not revenge, see my above post


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

oh your ex is on a different floor and there is no elevator and he is in a wheelchair so he cant walk to the floor you are on to talk and you also are in a wheelchair so you cant walk to his floor. well why didnt you say that in that case keep the job.

no in all honesty you did this just to hurt him, like you said you dont love him. 

like another poster put it when you ran the idea by him there was no way he could tell you no not to take it. you had him over a barrel and you knew it.

i dont blame you really i dont i hate cheaters and 98% of the time dont agree with the R. so just divorce your husband dont stoop to his level and hurt him just cause you can you are better than that.


edit yes there is revenge!! you have had every guy here tell you working with an ex is unacceptable. you know this you knew it would hurt your husband.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

ire8179 said:


> Where does that come from ?
> I didn't get the job for younger men's interest and attention. I gave up my career after our first kid and became SAHM until now. I gave it all and bad thing happened. One thing that the affair taught me is you shouldn't be too codependent to someone, either emotionally or financially. Don't put all eggs in one basket
> 
> I felt like a failure and blamed my self for the collapse of the marriage for the first few months. I doubted myself and lived with multiple voices in my head. Hell it took me months to chose between two new cars. That's what it felt like to me after affair
> ...


I know you dont see it as revenge. There are 2 issues here that cannot be conjoined if you truly want to find an answer. Issue 1 - You are NOT in a position to be trying to R after your husbands affair. Clearly you have unresolved feelings.
Issue 2 - You are disrespecting your husband by working with your ex. 

You cant solve 2 until you solve 1, and you certainly cant solve 1 while 2 is still an issue.

On a side note, I really dont want to get off on a tangent here, but I cant help but point out your choice of words. "Gave it all up to be a SAHM". God damn woman, most moms that HAVE to work (driven in their careers or not) would love to "give it all up". Might be better described as your husband afforded you the opportunity to be a SAHM....then turned into a philandering a55hole


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

ire8179 said:


> I got a new job about two weeks ago! It’s a mid-level one but i’m happy to be back in the game. Problem is husband isn’t too excited about it cause the one who hired me is my ex-fiance’s brother. Ex works there to but on different floor..... Why is he so insecure?


Really??

Come on. I don't know one man who would be cool with that. That would be torture.

You don't love him, and he's a cheater...BUT...if you are actually trying to salvage the relationship, this is a terrible place for you to work.

I would get yourselves into MC, and see if there is anything to save here. Give it a real shot, and if you decide that it's over and you can never really love him again, then you need to end it. 

Don't "stay for the kids"...it sends the wrong message to the kids anyways. You guys could find happiness apart and still raise wonderful children.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

happi_g_more2 said:


> I know you dont see it as revenge. There are 2 issues here that cannot be conjoined if you truly want to find an answer. Issue 1 - You are NOT in a position to be trying to R after your husbands affair. Clearly you have unresolved feelings.
> Issue 2 - You are disrespecting your husband by working with your ex.
> 
> You cant solve 2 until you solve 1, and you certainly cant solve 1 while 2 is still an issue.
> ...


I hear your point

Ok i went overboard, gave it all up wasn't a good choice of words. Actually, he didn't offer but demanded me to quit the job. If i didn't quit he'd invite his mom to take care of our new baby, and i wasn't (am not) her biggest fans. She micromanage and likes to criticize


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your husband's cheating forever changed the dynamics of the marriage. I understand that.

Your desire to be less dependent on his income, that's understandable too.

The impact of his action is still being played out. I suppose it will take years for the ripple effects to settle out. In the meantime, i agree you need to do what's best for yourself.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Get out. Just divorce the guy. Look, People are also going to justify his anger because "you chose to reconcile." Yes, it happens to the men on this board as well. For some reason, people dealing with affairs think reconciliation means you must stay in the marriage. No, it means you are trying to work through your problems. Honestly, you don't love him so, screw what he thinks, keep the job and leave him. I read both threads and you sound tired. Sure it could be vengeance, it could also be the bad economy, but I believe you don't care. Guess what? Don't feel guilty. He crossed a line you now realize is much more important than you thought. It doesn't make you an evil or bad person. Please, don't use you child to stay miserable because you aren't helping anyone. If your husband can pick up on the lack of love, so can your child. So, in this specific case you need to leave because you are finished. By staying for your child, you can screw up their life.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> I hear your point
> 
> Ok i went overboard, gave it all up wasn't a good choice of words. Actually, he didn't offer but demanded me to quit the job. If i didn't quit he'd invite his mom to take care of our new baby, and i wasn't (am not) her biggest fans. She micromanage and likes to criticize


No one disputes that your husband is immature. He cheated, he can't manage his negotiations with you well, and he's allowing his mother to interfere.

Look, there are problems in our marriage you need to weed out.. or they will FESTER.

1. You and your husband have not worked out his infidelity such that your marriage progresses in a healthy way again
2. His mother apparently creates conflict between you two
3. YOU are working in the same building as a former partner

Those are THREE fires you need to put out here.

You added the third one. Arguing and dismissing his concerns is NOT resolving it either. Manage the problem. Don't just wave it off by calling your husband "jealous".. that's how teenagers solve these problems... and it doesn't work.

That's your home work is to work on those three problems that are stewing...


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

still did'nt get an answer from what i asked..... do you still have feelings for this ex? I guess this is the real point


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

jack.c said:


> still did'nt get an answer from what i asked..... do you still have feelings for this ex? I guess this is the real point


I'm absolutely sure to say 100% no, it's over and i have closed that chapter a long time ago. I don't get any memory flashback running through my head when i see him and i'm not hoping to be in romantic relationship with him in any way. I don't even know if he's with someone or not

Indifference would be a great description


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jack.c said:


> still did'nt get an answer from what i asked..... do you still have feelings for this ex? I guess this is the real point


She said she didn't earlier.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> Sometimes i feel like i have no back bone for staying, sad but true. If we don't have kids i'd have walked away, but we do have kids and he's a great dad


See, this is what you have to get over. It's a false equivocatioin and we see it here a ton. It is a HOTLY debated topic.

Some people use, IMO, the compartmentalization technique with their spouses. The spouse is great with the kids, real attentive, listens to their needs and is a wonderful parent. Cool, it never works for me.

I fall on the opposite end of the spectrum. If you cheat, which causes you to neglect your entire family, you are not a good husband or spouse. When you ran off to cheat you weren't being attentive, listening to their needs or being a wonderful parent. All that time spent texting, talking, lying and hiding could have been better spent fixing problems in the marriage. So, now, the cheater has created a bigger problem which affects parenting.

That's how I look at things.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> I'm absolutely sure to say 100% no, it's over and i have closed that chapter a long time ago. I don't get any memory flashback running through my head when i see him and i'm not hoping to be in romantic relationship with him in any way. I don't even know if he's with someone or not
> 
> Indifference would be a great description


Then you should have offered that as some reassurance with your husband rather than arguing about skirt length.

You set some rules up to give your husband the confidence he needs while YOU continue to work where you are

a. no conversations with your former partner
b. if your former partner says ANYTHING to you, you REPORT that to your husband immediately
c. you dont go on your former partner's floor
d. you don't discuss personal life or marriage with your employer - business only

You offer your husband these reassurances and ask that he trust you will stick to them.

THAT is a good start to managing that problem.

NOT by throwing the 'your'e jealous' card which is childish.

a - d is a good start off the top of my head

I would include emails and phone calls in convo, not just in person, but if your former partner emails you or anything, you report that to your husband. Maintain FULL TRANSPARENCY with him about your workplace and he WILL TRUST you. He NEEDS to KNOW you two are on the same page here.

ALSO if you are approached by former partner OR your employer on a personal level you EXIT the convo by saying you want to keep your time here business only

That's ALL you say on that topic.

And AGAIN you REASSURE your husband you will stick to that plan.

Again, this is how you manage this is by negotiating like this, not by throwing names around and arguing about skirt length.


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