# I'm all sexed out. He isn't.



## HappyHappyJoyJoy (Feb 24, 2012)

I'm in love with my husband. We've been married 13 years. We're best friends, always have been, and we connect deeply in ways I can't explain. We've never once questioned whether or not we were meant to be together.

When it comes to our sex life, I really don't know what to call it. I mean, it's fantastic, but difficult. Let me explain.

We have sex 7 days a week, at least twice a day. He watches porn 98% of the time during sex. If I'm on my monthly "thing," I still have to do oral or allow him to do something else to me. If I'm not in the mood he'll settle for the just-lie-there type of sex. He wants me when he's sick, when I'm sick, when I'm tired, busy, when the kids are awake or asleep, _any_ time of day or night. And it's important to note that he doesn't believe in quickies (in his own words). He's a satisfy-you kind of man and will go for 30 minutes or more each session. He's HD, and I guess I'm LD (I could go a month without sex and be fine), but we make it work. 

I realize he has a sexual desire that needs fulfilling, and as his wife, I believe it's my job to fulfill it. We have amazing sex all the time, and other times it's a little drab, but he's happy either way. That's all that matters. Except now I'm stuck.

I'M SICK OF HAVING SEX!!!!

I don't know what to do anymore. The thought of being sexual makes me want to cry sometimes. He makes me climax pretty easily, but I just don't want to climax EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. But, he loves it. We've come up with compromises (i.e. no penetration, but other things), but now the compromises are wearing me down. I'm so far in with keeping him sex happy that I have no idea what would happen if I stopped. I don't think it would kill our relationship, but it would certainly give it a good jolt.

I've talked to him about it. He knows how I feel. One time his argument was I didn't have to do anything but lay there. My response to that was it takes a lot of energy to look and act like I'm in the mood, especially when I'm at a point where touch is excruciatingly uncomfortable. If I really did do nothing, our sex life would not be as good. 

I look at him as needing something that only I can give him. I don't want to be the bad guy. It hurts me to tell him no. But sometimes I just want to be normal. I'm so sick of the moaning and groaning atmosphere. It takes up every free minute I'm ever given. I just don't want to think about sex anymore. At least not for a while.

I need advice on how I can ask for a break. A loooong break. He's good about giving me short breaks, like a day or two here and there, but that's of just penetration. He's still gonna do _something_, and I still have to be "her." Still, I'm never given enough time in-between to even want to have sex, but I'm always willing. I've really messed up. I was accused of being a bait and switcher in my last post a couple years ago, which I thought was totally unfair. I mean, I'm just doing what I know I have to do to satisfy my husband. But what can I do to get a break without him getting salty with me?


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I really do not know the answer to your question, but I feel for you!


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm not sure what kind of advice I can give you, as this is pretty far out of my (and probably most other peoples) realm. But it certainly sounds as though your husband is a sex addict. On a positive note, it certainly appears that he's keeping this between you and him, which is good.

But... 7 days a week, twice a day? AND he watches porn while doing it with you? That's a whole other level of HD. Actually, it's not HD, it's an addiction, as I said above.

You're obviously in a very tricky situation here, as you've been allowing him to do this for a long long time. Putting your foot down and saying "NO!" is not going to fly well with him.

And whether you want to hear this or not, the reality is that he may end up going elsewhere. I'm not making a comment on your husband, personally, but the fact is, he has an addiction, and if it's not fed by you, it has to be fed elsewhere.

Perhaps some of the more in-tune folks here can chime in with ways of approaching him in regards to possibly having an addiction, and how to handle it without jeopardizing the relationship.

The best I can offer you right now is to talk to him and reach a compromise that better suits you. Maybe start with sex every second day (and only once!) and a BJ on the other days. No porn during sex, but on BJ day, he can watch while you take care of him. If he wants a second go'round any of the days, he can porn it up all he wants. Occasionally you can join him while watching porn, and you can each take care of yourself. Not only do you not have to worry about having to have sex with him, you'll actually get a chance to masturbate, which well help you get back in touch with yourself and your body.

On a personal note, what he's expecting of you is unreasonable, imo. However, you have been willing to cater to these needs of his for a long time, so the only way to extricate yourself from the hole you've dug is to do it slowly. There's no possible way you can just switch this off now. It has to be gradual and communicated to him while it's happening. You'll also learn a lot about the strength of your relationship during this, and I hope it's positive, for your sake.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I agree with alex.

Believe it or not, some couples DO have sex every day, multiple times per day, but it's MUTUAL. They both want it that frequently.

You don't. So it's a problem.

The whole "watching porn" every single time would also creep me out. Maybe once in awhile to spice things up, but EVERY time?

And the fact that he tells you all you have to do is lie there while he does whatever he feels like doing to your body (while watching porn) doesn't seem normal or healthy at all.

But of course, you already know this.

My advice would be to see a marriage counselor so you can establish some reasonable boundaries, and he can discover that what he's doing right now is unreasonable and unhealthy for you. Like alex said, I also think he is dealing with an addiction so I'm not sure it's a problem he can solve on his own without professional counseling.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd start with getting rid of the porn. He's watching it while having sex with you so I have no idea how you two can actually be bonding. The porn is artificially increasing his drive and it will get to the point where nothing you so will be enough. 

Tell him no more porn watching during sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

What you've described sounds pretty extreme to me. I say this as the "undersexed" HD in an HD/LD relationship.

You need to communicate the fact that you are getting overwhelmed to your husband. You're probably at the beginning stages of starting to resent sex at this point. Don't let it go any further without having a serious conversation.

Also, understand that he probably thinks everything is fine as is. You should anticipate the fact that almost any change is going to be met with resistance and a feeling on his part that you are letting him down.

I think the message needs to be that you really want to meet his needs, but it needs to be a little more balanced. You are getting worn out. You understand that this is going to be an adjustment for both of you, but you both need to work to put your sex life on a more sustainable path.

Get him to "buy in" to the changes. Don't just impose changes on him or else you will just shift the building resentment from you to him.

You sound like you are more than reasonable so I am sure you will be capable of working this out. Good luck


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

"If I'm on my monthly "thing," I still have to do oral or allow him to do something else to me." You have to do it? That worries me. You should have a choice whether you want sex or not. Tell him during your period you would like a break. 

I'm not sure you are going to be able to change anything. You have spoiled him and now this is the sex life he expects. I have a feeling if you told him you wanted to take a break he would get upset and be pissy with you. He is a porn addict so I would turn off the porn. He should be turn on by being with you not by watching porn.

If he was really your best friend he wouldn't be so demanding and would respect your wishes to not have sex so often. He is selfish and is only thinking of what he wants. Eventually you are going to get more resentful (if you aren't already) and you will no longer think of him as your best friend.


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

I think your H read the book called, "His Needs, His Needs" because that's all that seems to matter to him.

An hour a day of sex and no free time for you. You have kids, although you didn't say how old they are. I know that if I spent an hour a day having sex, there would be absolutely no time for me (and twice a day would leave me as raw as a steak!)

I think you need to put your foot down and fast. It's not going to change until you do. Your voice needs to be heard! Your needs matter! Marriage is about compromise; we don't each meet the other person's needs 100% of the time. That's codependence! 

My guess is that being his sex partner and a mom is probably all that you have time for anymore. Do you even know yourself these days? When you look in the mirror do you see you or someone you've lost touch with?

Please find it in you to tell him the truth. If you don't, you will keep fading away.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I'm quite HD, and would prefer sex every day.

And even I think his demands are excessive. He needs to grow up and start relating to you. There is absolutely no reason he should need porn at the same time that he is having sex with you.

Note that I don't think it is ridiculous for someone to want to use porn even though they are having relatively frequent sex with their partner, but requiring it DURING sex with their partner? That is quite unreasonable, in my opinion.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I am yet another HD who thinks your husband is being a selfish jerk and objectifying you to an unhealthy extreme.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'd start with getting rid of the porn. He's watching it while having sex with you so I have no idea how you two can actually be bonding. The porn is artificially increasing his drive and it will get to the point where nothing you so will be enough.
> 
> Tell him no more porn watching during sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree:



Happilymarried25 said:


> If he was really your best friend he wouldn't be so demanding and would respect your wishes to not have sex so often. He is selfish and is only thinking of what he wants. Eventually you are going to get more resentful (if you aren't already) and you will no longer think of him as your best friend.


:iagree::iagree:


Introduce him to the concept of masturbation the next time he just wants you to lie there so he can use your body to get off. 

Personally, I'd be setting my boundaries very clearly, AND making an appointment with a marriage counselor because your H is going to be super pissed to discover that his sex toy has a mind of her own, AND suggesting he get his own individual counselor to deal with his porn and sex addiction.


----------



## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

I am HD but 7 days a week and twice a day...holy molly, my wang wound died. We have sex 4-5 times a week and there are days we do it twice or 3 times but not each day.

We also watch porn while having sex, but not everytime. You are like my wife, want her man to be happy and is willing to do anything...but he doing it way overboard and not considering about you.

During her time of the month, I can enter the back door, but I always make sure she is ok and that she wanted me to.


----------



## HappyHappyJoyJoy (Feb 24, 2012)

The last thing I want to do is paint him as a bad person. DH is an amazing human being, and everyone he meets agrees. He's selfless in so many ways, and I feel like he deserves whatever he wants. That said, I totally take the blame for enabling this behavior. I guess I didn't know when too much was really too much.

I had a conversation with him today, and the result was so-so. I started by asking him what he thought extreme sex addiction was. His answer was masturbating to porn 3 times a day and not having sex with me. When asked, he said he does not think his behavior is extreme at all. He says he enjoys having sex with his wife, and that is not a crime. I explained that I want him to want me, and I love that he does, but it's hard for me to give in to his needs as much as he wants. I don't know that we'll see any long lasting change until he thinks his needs are extreme, but he says let's start by giving me a break.

I'll admit, I've had a problem with the porn in the past, and it's something that comes up every, I don't know, few months. I sort of get fed up with it, and he'll stop for a while. Then he'll ask me before a session if it's okay, and I'll oblige since he hadn't really watched it in a while. After a while of asking and me saying sure, go ahead, he stops asking. And then the cycle continues.

But when it comes to masturbation I have a real problem with that. I do not think a married man should have to masturbate. That's just me. When he's watching porn with me at least I'm involved in some way. But masturbation totally leaves me out of the picture, and I hate the thought. I understand, however, that I may need to let up on that idea. That's going to be a very, VERY tough one for me. He's already addicted, as you all have pointed out. With me making these changes, what's to stop him from turning into that person he himself described as extreme?

Which brings me to infidelity. I truly don't think it's in him to cheat. I think he'd be devastated to destroy our family in that way. Still, I can't help but fear it. He gives me little reason to think he'd cheat, but I harbor the thought of him being sex deprived and seeking a physical fix. I don't know how to curb my thoughts of infidelity. It's recently been getting harder to stop thinking about it. I don't want my fears coupled with this change to drive him to it. (I've never really understood why men cheat.)

As far as my needs, I don't even know what I need, but I always thought I felt that way because all my needs were pretty much met. I do ask for more sexless affection, but affection usually turns into sex, so, yeah. I couldn't help but feel a twinge of heartache when I read the comment of needing to rediscover myself though. I'm definitely there. I do feel a bit used. But I'm certainly NOT unhappy in my marriage. We have way more good going for us.

Our three children are ages 7, 5 and 3. It's a busy life, but I think I'm realizing my naivety in what I think a wife should be. I thought I was supposed to be his everything while also being whatever else life throws my way. That is something I need to discover on my own.

Overall, I agree he may have an addictive personality. I'm torn with wondering if I am playing with fire since, in essence, his addiction is me.


----------



## sockie (Apr 20, 2015)

I totally get why you'd be burnt out. He makes you have sex even when you're sick. It's like he has no regard for your feelings whatsover. is he selfish in other ways too?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> The last thing I want to do is paint him as a bad person. DH is an amazing human being, and everyone he meets agrees. He's selfless in so many ways, and I feel like he deserves whatever he wants. That said, I totally take the blame for enabling this behavior. I guess I didn't know when too much was really too much.
> 
> I had a conversation with him today, and the result was so-so. I started by asking him what he thought extreme sex addiction was. His answer was masturbating to porn 3 times a day and not having sex with me. When asked, he said he does not think his behavior is extreme at all. He says he enjoys having sex with his wife, and that is not a crime. I explained that I want him to want me, and I love that he does, but it's hard for me to give in to his needs as much as he wants. I don't know that we'll see any long lasting change until he thinks his needs are extreme, but he says let's start by giving me a break.
> 
> ...




I would argue that his addiction is not you, since he watches so much porn while he's with you. If it truly was you he wouldn't need the porn while he's having sex with you.

I'm not saying he doesn't love you or he's not attracted to you because clearly he is, just that you also happen to be there while he watches porn. If he was married to someone else he'd probably be the same way. That much porn has reprogrammed his brain. Why don't you try to negotiate a month or two of no porn and see what his sex drive is really like? But I'd bet he'll agree and then sneak it behind your back.....though it would stop him from watching it with you. Just see if you can get an idea of what his natural drive is like without it.

We see all the time here where men claim to be HD and use porn because of it, but if you're that HD why do you need porn? It's the porn itself that causes the hypersexual behavior. That's the draw, much like a drug. Your brain is rewired.

So I ask once again: if he's so high drive why does he need porn if he's having sex with you twice a day and you're his addiction?


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> But when it comes to masturbation I have a real problem with that. I do not think a married man should have to masturbate.
> 
> But masturbation totally leaves me out of the picture, and I hate the thought. I understand, however, that I may need to let up on that idea. That's going to be a very, VERY tough one for me.


There are so many things going on here that you two need counseling for. If your H is addicted, he needs to be in counseling for it. 


Now, Assuming your H gets help for an addiction (if he's addicted):

What I quoted above is something you're going to have to compromise on if you're going to have sex / engage in other sexual activities with him less. 

You express that it's going to be tough for you. I get that. But you CANNOT sit there and *not* have sex with him and then turn around and be mad that he masturbated. It's not fair to tell him what he can and cannot do with his own body, especially if you are not willing to participate every single day as he would like. He is allowed to relieve that tension on his own should he feel like it (so long as he isn't replacing you with masturbation - it's totally fine). 

As for the rest of it, your H needs to understand that he is in fact asking way too much of you right now and he should be able to respect that. You two definitely need to be looking into counseling for communication and your H's possible addiction.

I agree with the others that porn should be taken out of the picture for a while to see if he slows down a bit. Masturbation is still possible without porn (I know that shocks some guys here).


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> He watches porn 98% of the time during sex.


Let me put this into perspective for you: 2% of the time I've had sex during my entire lifetime (and I'm 47), have any of my partners watched porn during sex with me. 

Actually, it's far less than 2%. It was only once. I don't have a rule against it or anything - no one has suggested it, much less made it a twice daily requirement.

There was an episode of Sex and the City where Miranda (or Charlotte?) dates a porn/sex guy. He wouldn't have sex unless porn was on. She dumped him after realizing that truth.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm trying to wrap my mind around watching porn _while_ having sex. :scratchhead:

How do you feel connected to him at all? I would just feel like a receptacle.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Again, your situation sounds extreme, but I would be careful tossing the word "addiction" around in conversation with your husband.

You want to solve the problem right?

Solving the problem is going to require him to empathize with your point of view.

If you paint him as pathological, he will be much less likely to want to listen to your perspective.

I am not trying to say you are wrong conceptually, just consider the practical effect of your presentation.


----------

