# Jealosy? Control? Isolation? Worry? Or is it just Love?



## jmcast (Feb 27, 2013)

Is our relationship healthy? Ive been single most of my life and my social activities use to included socializing at the local pub, chatting with friends on social media and visiting them in their homes.....and since we have been together...I feel like my social life has gone to poo...He has requested that I no longer attend the bars unless it is with him...so that means no girls night out...And he says he doesn't want me to visit my friends house if the is a male present in their home, unless he is with me....every time I get on social media to check messages from family or friends, he asks me who I've talked to...in fear of me speaking to another man....And It is really starting to bothers me that he has to ask me what Ive done, who Ive talk too, or where Ive been....And Ive let him know this and that it makes me feel like he has a lack of trust in me....And at other times he feels like im hiding something if i dont tell him everything right away.....I am a very faithful woman to my husband and dont know how else to prove to him that he has nothing to worry about....
My mother asked me to go out with her for a drink one night while he was out of town working and I had to refuse to go. She says to me that he is trying to isolate/control me...but I just tell her it is an agreement that we made with each other...there has been other times that was a friend that i hadnt seen in a long awhile had come down for her birthday and asked me to join her for a birthday drink but i couldnt, cuz she was out at the bar....I was very tempted to go down there and just say hi to her in the parking lot and told my husband too...and if I would have he says that he still would have been upset, even though I would have never stepped foot into the place.... 
The other day I failed to tell him that I stopped by a female friend of mine house....I was on my way to the store and ask her if she needed anything and she needed a drink....He got upset with me cuz i didnt tell him that I stopped at her house for a second to drop her off a drink....and he found out about by seeing our texts messages to each other....He didnt tell me why he was upset until the next day and i knew ive done something wrong that whole night....
He tells me that I need to tell him everything cuz that's what a relationship is....I just feel like I have no personal life anymore...And I know communication is a key factor in maintaining a good marriage... but also feel like Ive lost personal freedom....
So I just want to know if I am wrong for feeling like he has jealously issues, like he is controlling who i can talk to or where i can and cant go. Is he isolating me? He tells me he worries about losing me, or is this just the way love is suppose to be?


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I could never, ever live like that, and would absolutely not stand for it! You can't meet your own mother at a drinking establishment because you aren't allowed to step foot in one? No effing way. 

He's over the top distrustful, insecure, controlling and jealous. Was he cheated on in the past or something? That in no way excuses how he is treating you, but it might shed some light on where his insecurities come from.

Do these rules apply to him? Does he never, ever go out drinking anywhere without you? Does he never visit a guy friend if a woman is also in the house? 

Honestly, I would never agree to all that you are accepting. I would tell him I couldn't and wouldn't and refuse to do it, and let the chips fall where they may because I would never, ever want to be with a man who insisted that I lock myself in a nunnery and questioned my every move and conversation.


----------



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I left home at seventeen to get away from domineering, controlling parents. No way would I have a relationship with somebody that controlling, never ever. 😡

I don't hang out in bars with the girls, we go to restaurants or shopping. But if I want to go out for a drink with my sister I'm going. No effing way. Yuck. 

Would he go to counseling?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Unless you cheated on him, he has no right to demand all of that.

I do believe that it's important to make sure your spouse knows what you're doing and with whom at all times, and that they do have access to your texts etc. But when your spouse takes that knowledge and forbids you to have a life, that's extreme.


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Unfortunately,

I had to learn the hard way that when someone is the kind of controlling your partner is - He is probably the one ALREADY cheating on you.
At the very least he is trying to isolate and control you and destroy all realtionships you had with friends and family. 

Here is a link that will give you some helpful/useful information regarding the different forms of abuse. You read the information and decide for yourself. 

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

NOTHING you do or don't do will cure HIS jealosy. 
You can't PROVE anything to him to quelch his fears.
Being completely transparent hasn't helped.

Take an agonizing reappraisal of your situation.
What do you think it will be like when you have made children....it's even harder to get out unscathed. Some don't get out at all. 

Also - ya know - He isn't your PARENT.
He has no right to keep you from seeing friends and Family.
You ONLY HAVE ONE MOTHER!
She is giving you words of wisdom - and she's right.

*"So I just want to know if I am wrong for feeling like he has jealously issues, like he is controlling who i can talk to or where i can and cant go. Is he isolating me? He tells me he worries about losing me, or is this just the way love is suppose to be?"* 

NO, you aren't wrong. Yes he is trying to isolate you.
NO this isn't what or the way love (OR A HEALTHY RELATAIONSHIP) is supposed to be.

I hope the best for you!


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

While I agree with all of the above responses, I feel it's kind of funny because normally people on TAM rail against "girls night outs" and some people claim they are the same as cheating. So many other people on TAM claim they have no friends other than their spouse, and that spouses demands always come first (the "wife's close friend is toxic" thread comes to mind). So what is the difference here? Why the change of heart? 

But anyway jmcast, your husband is acting like a lunatic. Even if you had cheated on him, that's no way to live the rest of your life. your husband would need to eventually learn to trust you again or divorce you. It's got to go one way or the other. 

Bottom line - without trust, how can there be a marriage? And your husband has decided not to trust you. You can't visit your mother in a bar? You think you did something wrong by dropping off something at your friend's house without telling your husband? Do you live in Saudi Arabia? What's next - you will have to cover your face and hair at all times in public?

I recommend setting some boundaries here, because if you have been as faithful as you claim, then you deserve much more trust than you are getting. And if your husband can't accept that, then I recommend couples counseling. And if he can't handle that, then I recommend ending your marriage. *Please DON'T have children with him until this is resolved*. 

You made a vow to marry someone; you didn't make a vow to divorce all your family and friends. That wasn't part of the deal.

PS - I notice in jmcast's other thread, most people side with her jealous husband. Boy people on TAM are fickle!


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Her husband has gone WAY beyond forbidding GNO - he told her she can't have a drink with her own mother!

Obviously there's a happy medium between what this guy is doing and allowing your wife to do GNO at the bar 5 nights a week.

FWIW my opinion of GNO is that it can happen, just not at the bar or involving copious amounts of alcohol, and never overnight.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Theseus said:


> While I agree with all of the above responses, I feel it's kind of funny because normally people on TAM rail against "girls night outs" and some people claim they are the same as cheating. So many other people on TAM claim they have no friends other than their spouse, and that spouses demands always come first (the "wife's close friend is toxic" thread comes to mind). So what is the difference here? Why the change of heart?


This goes way, way beyond a girls night out. He is imposing rules on every single interaction she has with anyone else, and questioning each and every conversation she might have with any other person. You get more freedom in jail.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jmcast said:


> Is our relationship healthy? Ive been single most of my life and my social activities use to included socializing at the local pub, chatting with friends on social media and visiting them in their homes.....and since we have been together...I feel like my social life has gone to poo...He has requested that I no longer attend the bars unless it is with him...
> 
> *Fair request if you go frequently but unfair to think you can NEVER go without him*
> 
> ...


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Actually, I side with her husband for the most part. I don't believe that married people should be attending bars or dance clubs without their spouses, under any circumstances, with the possible exception of that time with her mother. You can easily meet the girls at a resturant, why does it have to be a bar. Also letting your spouse know where you are is just common courtesy and mutual respect. So GNOs or BNOs are out in my opinion and most social events should be attended as couples .... because that's what couples do. 

Having said that, it does sound like her husband is going a little overboard. In the end, if you can't live with what he says are his required boundaries, then leave him .... but before you do, weigh the pros and cons. If being out with the girls means more to you then all the positives he provides you with or the love you share, then you choice is clear; split up .... but that's as equally shallow as his "jealousy".


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> You say you "knew" you did something wrong. I'm disturbed by your wording. You did NOT do anything disloyal to your relationship, but because his perceptions are so screwed up, he punished and manipulated you... but you don't call it that, do you? Instead, you willingly take the blame. I hope you'll stop that immediately!



Wow!!! Kathy, you have *REALLY* changed your mind since jmcast's other thread back in February where you said, quote: _"Sorry, but I am on your husband's side on this."_

Any regrets for that? Why the 180 degree change?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I had a look at your other thread, and while I agree that you were deceptive to your husband on that occasion, I think it was because of his previous jealous and controlling behaviour.

He told the OP from the get go that she is basically forbidden to talk to other men, go out with her friends - and now her mother!!! wtf?? - without him.

That's just ridiculous. He's your husband, not your father - and your father can only tell you what to do until you're 18!!

The bottom line is, either he trusts you or he doesn't. It's clear that he doesn't - and without trust, no marriage can survive.

I couldn't live like this.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Jm I was married to a man like this for almost 25 years. When we first married he made it very hard and uncomfortable to maintain my friendships. Eventually I lost touch with them. I got pregnant right away and now my life became taking care of my child. If I wanted to go out with her I'd have to hear about germs and how she could get sick etc, etc. It just became easier to stay home.

Eventually I had two more children. He had no choice but to losen his grip as the kids went to school but would always have something to say about the moms I hung out with and when they all started hanging out as couples he had no interest. 

Thirteen years into our marriage we moved across the bridge to another state. I was still close enough to my family and friends but now it made it harder just to pop in. Thing is I made even more friends here and got really involved in my son's school. He complained but now I did what made me happy. He still got his way but I was regaining control.

Jump to 2006 where I had two miscarriages. I always wanted more kids but he kept putting it off. I warned him my time was limited but he always laughed it off. Well after those miscarriages something really hit me. I was done letting him tell me what to do. I was done doing everything he said.

He took this as a sign that I didn't love him anymore. Guess who went and had an affair? It wasn't me. Then he left me for the posow in January. The kicker was this was someone he had worked with 20 years before and kept in touch with after he left his job.

This means all those years he was worrying about me cheating on him and leaving him, all those years he controlled me to make sure that didn't happen, he had this relationship with this pos. I'm not saying it was a pa all those years but it was an ea.

Don't ever let anyone control and manipulate you. I learned the hard way and I will never let that happen to me again.


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Theseus don't use this thread to try to bait anyone into a long drawn out battle

situations are different here than they were in the Toxic Friend thread for example

Notice I said nothing about GNO or bars.

In the Toxic friend thread that was a different scenario altogether.
THe husband in that thread wasn't isolating his wife from EVERYONE including her Family...but from one specific person.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

At least you're not going there to get a gynecological exam, right?

Add me to the list of people who think that this is so beyond that pale that I would have to seriously consider dumping a significant other who made these kinds of demands. 

As absurd as this appears to most of us, you're likely just seeing the tip of the iceberg here. Pray that you don't see what's under the surface.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> Theseus don't use this thread to try to bait anyone into a long drawn out battle


I'm not trying to "bait" anyone. When someone gives completely conflicting advice to the same person in two different threads, it's legitimate to point that out.



> situations are different here than they were in the Toxic Friend thread for example.


In regard to that thread, fair enough. But once again, the OP's other thread about this very same husband also produced very different responses. It's neither trolling nor "baiting" to point that out. People should be mindful of the advice they give, and not swing wildly to one person's side or the other from personal assumptions that aren't in the OP's description. The OP didn't do anything wrong in her first thread, and she didn't do anything wrong here either.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Wow!!! Kathy, you have *REALLY* changed your mind since jmcast's other thread back in February where you said, quote: _"Sorry, but I am on your husband's side on this."_
> 
> Any regrets for that? Why the 180 degree change?


I don't believe I have changed my views at all. I said in both posts that it's not jm's responsibility to cope with his feelings. I also said here that his views were unacceptable UNLESS she had wronged him, and even then some were still unacceptable.

I don't keep track of threads, so I didn't make a connection between the two posts as you did (brilliantly, I might add!) In this post, jm says she is faithful and devoted (no reason for him to worry). Bringing that other information in makes me say, "Ok, so he has reason to feel some mistrust. I'd think his snooping is reasonable, and his request that she stay away from interactions with other men when he's not present. However, I'd still say that he's over-reacting (IF that's really the impetus) if she's done nothing more serious than that in all the months since, and the thing with mother and dropping a drink to a gal pal are signs that it's not just about that one indiscretion.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I don't believe I have changed my views at all. I said in both posts that it's not jm's responsibility to cope with his feelings. I also said here that his views were unacceptable UNLESS she had wronged him, and even then some were still unacceptable.
> 
> I don't keep track of threads, so I didn't make a connection between the two posts as you did (brilliantly, I might add!) In this post, jm says she is faithful and devoted (no reason for him to worry). Bringing that other information in makes me say, "Ok, so he has reason to feel some mistrust. I'd think his snooping is reasonable, and his request that she stay away from interactions with other men when he's not present.


I strongly disagree.

Not trying to pick on you for this (because you certainly weren't the only one), but in one thread you so strongly sided with the husband (even saying: "_Sorry, but you're guy's not insecure. He's smart_."), yet in this one you painted him as an abuser.

I wish I had responded in that other thread, because I would have had a very different take on it. I think the husband was greatly overreacting in the other thread, and he's dangerously overreacting now. *Staying away from a friends house if there happens to be a man there is beyond ridiculous*. Eventually she will be restricted to only going to all-women's schools or shopping centers like in Saudi Arabia or Iran. Or subject to floggings if she happens to get in a taxi with a man or show her ankles in public.



> _However, I'd still say that he's over-reacting (IF that's really the impetus) if she's done nothing more serious than that in all the months since, and the thing with mother and dropping a drink to a gal pal are signs that it's not just about that one indiscretion_.


Not sure if I understand you here. Are you saying it was an "indiscretion" for her to meet her mother in a bar, or dropping off a drink at her friends house?


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your mom is absolutely correct, this man is trying to isolate and control you. I imagine he was very charming at first, these types are. The relationship probably went quickly and you thought he seemed to be displaying acts of kindness and that he cared but basically he is terribly insecure and nothing you do or say will change this. This is so much a part of him that he cannot even see it, he thinks what he is doing is normal.

This does not improve. In an attempt to show him that you are trustworthy (which you should not even have to prove) you will go to great lengths to please him and meet his list of expectations of your behavior. When he finally feels like he has you and is comfortable the control gets out of control, you find yourself completely isolated and very alone. And you didn't even see it coming. It doesn't stop there, oh no! You displease him or he feels there is reason to question your whereabouts, what you have said and he gets upset, makes false accusations towards you and your intent, says you cannot be trusted, belittles you and tells you that your priorities are messed up. He starts degrading you, making comments that you have gained weight. Tells you you should be lucky to have him because most men wouldn't do what he does for you. If you try to leave he becomes even more obsessed with you, makes threats, begs you to stay. This might even get physical. he might start stalking you and leaving threatening messages for you. All because he loves you in his mind and all because he cannot bear the thought of you with another man.

I have been thru it all, been stalked by the old boyfriend I am describing here. He threatened to burn down my house if I dated someone else. He tried to run my off the road at a high rate of speed. I broke into my house and tried to rape me which I successfully fought off. These relationships can get really ugly. My advise to you is do not discount your gut feelings that something is wrong here. Trust that you do not need him. Believe he cannot change or understand. Protect yourself and get out of this relationship ASAP!


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

From someone who supposedly gave "contradictory" advice on two different threads recently, I'll have to defend Kathy here. With 20-20 hindsight, those two threads are almost identical. But taken in isolation, thread #1 says "my husband is controlling because I like to troll meat markets and communicate with old boyfriends behind his back". In this one she says "my husband is controlling because of all of this controlling behavior". She just learned how to word her thread differently here so she wouldn't get hammered like in her original thread. She wants to hear what she wants to hear. And will keep trying until she does.

OP. You and hubby need to learn some communication tools.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

While your husband's demands do seem to be way over the top, I can't help but believe that there is more to the story than you are telling us. If it's posted in another thread, please share here.

Why does it seem that every social interaction you want to have involves drinking? I would have a serious issue with this in my marriage. Especially if other men are present. I trust my wife, but a big part of that trust comes from my belief that she would not put herself in inappropriate situations like drinking with other men. 

Being social and having friends is a good thing, but being a "party girl" is not. At least not for a marriage.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

MrK said:


> But taken in isolation, thread #1 says "my husband is controlling because I like to troll meat markets and communicate with old boyfriends behind his back".


omg, that is so disingenuous that's not even funny. That's not what her other thread said, not even by a long shot. All she did was schedule a time to do some work for a previous boyfriend. She didn't tell her husband because she never got around to doing the work. She also showed him all her messages and texts and there was nothing flirty or sexual about it. Still he flipped out, and nearly everyone on TAM supported the husband. I don't know why it's so hard for some people to admit they were simply wrong.


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

BTW I wasn't calling you a troll.

I just get so sickened seeing a thread blow up and go on and on and on and on about whatever issue.

Like the gynecologist thread. Stupid thread. 

I hadn't read the OPS other thread before commenting on this one.

I gave a website that lists how to tell if you are being emotionally, financially, verbally (and all the others) ways of being mistreated.
She and everyone else can read for themselves and figure it out.

I took her at her word that she was faithful and NOT doing anything wrong. I don't have the time nor inclination to look around to what she posted previously. 

If OP has done things..indescretions..lying about seeing men or whatever. Then she is simply driving her poor husband nuts and probably enjoys the drama. 

If you have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Simple.

still - good luck to everyone finding their little piece of happiness in this cold, harsh world.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

EVERYONE was wrong on that first thread? It wasn't only Kathy. And talk about disingenuous. Communication with an old boyfriend and not telling your husband is IMMEDIATE grounds for the "she's cheating!!" accusation around here. And I'm not even mentioning the "we'll do the work together while he's out of town" part of that.

Now go ahead and get the last word so we can give this OP her thread back.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are in a relationship with a very controlling man. Jealous, insecure, all of that.

How long have you been together now?

Boundaries are good. But what he is doing is overstepping that line. 

You can't even meet up with your mother? And if a male present somewhere? Does he think he can hide you from half of the human beings on the planet?

One day you will wake up and realize you wasted a lot of time in a relationship being micro-managed by this guy. 

Reminds me of that Cyndi Lauper song:

_"Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world."_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cletus said:


> At least you're not going there to get a gynecological exam, right?


:rofl:



Cletus said:


> Add me to the list of people who think that this is so beyond that pale that I would have to seriously consider dumping a significant other who made these kinds of demands.
> 
> As absurd as this appears to most of us, *you're likely just seeing the tip of the iceberg here. * Pray that you don't see what's under the surface.


Agreed. It's probably much worse.



Theseus said:


> I'm not trying to "bait" anyone.





Theseus said:


> I strongly disagree.
> 
> Not trying to pick on you for this


Eh. Actually it does kinda seem like you are trying to bait/start an argument here with Kathy, Theseus. My 2 cents. 



AVR1962 said:


> Your mom is absolutely correct, this man is trying to isolate and control you.


And momma usually knows.



AVR1962 said:


> I imagine he was very charming at first, these types are. The relationship probably went quickly and you thought he seemed to be displaying acts of kindness and that he cared but basically he is terribly insecure and nothing you do or say will change this. This is so much a part of him that he cannot even see it, he thinks what he is doing is normal.
> 
> This does not improve. In an attempt to show him that you are trustworthy (which you should not even have to prove) you will go to great lengths to please him and meet his list of expectations of your behavior. When he finally feels like he has you and is comfortable the control gets out of control, you find yourself completely isolated and very alone. And you didn't even see it coming. It doesn't stop there, oh no! You displease him or he feels there is reason to question your whereabouts, what you have said and he gets upset, makes false accusations towards you and your intent, says you cannot be trusted, belittles you and tells you that your priorities are messed up. He starts degrading you, making comments that you have gained weight. Tells you you should be lucky to have him because most men wouldn't do what he does for you. If you try to leave he becomes even more obsessed with you, makes threats, begs you to stay. This might even get physical. he might start stalking you and leaving threatening messages for you. All because he loves you in his mind and all because he cannot bear the thought of you with another man.
> 
> I have been thru it all, been stalked by the old boyfriend I am describing here. He threatened to burn down my house if I dated someone else.


Sadly, I have to agree with all of this. I say "sadly" because you probably love this guy but this reads like all the classic signs of an emotional vampire. Is this guy projecting? Maybe. Your relationship sounds like a prison.


----------



## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

She only posted once in this thread

I will play devils advocate, in any good loving relationship these things he asks are not over the top and i believe alot of people here would actually agree with me.

But we don't know enough about her relationship, age, details and her husbands story (side).


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

being the best me said:


> I will play devils advocate, in any good loving relationship these things he asks are not over the top


I disagree. What is loving about isolating your partner and grilling her about where she is going/has been and not letting her meet up with her mother? That isn't love. It's suffocation. It's control.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

MrK said:


> EVERYONE was wrong on that first thread?


Most of them were. 



> _It wasn't only Kathy. And talk about disingenuous. Communication with an old boyfriend and not telling your husband is IMMEDIATE grounds for the "she's cheating!!" accusation around here._


And that accusation is very often wrong, isn't it? 



> _Now go ahead and get the last word so we can give this OP her thread back._


That doesn't make any sense. Who ever gets the "last word" in threads that never close? Or is that really your passive-agressive attempt to keep me from responding to you? 

But sure, back to this problem. I think some people here are losing sight of what marriage is. When you marry someone, you aren't hiring someone to be responsible for tracking your movements and keeping you faithful. Marriage is a partnership based on trust. And it's clear the husband has no trust for his wife here, hence it's not much of a marriage. If the OP is really that untrustworthy, then the husband would be better off leaving her and finding someone he can trust. Problem is, he probably won't find a woman who will behave to his standards outside the Middle East.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> :
> Sadly, I have to agree with all of this. I say "sadly" because you probably love this guy but this reads like all the classic signs of an emotional vampire. Is this guy projecting? Maybe. Your relationship sounds like a prison.


If this reply was meant for me, this was an experience from my past, many years ago. I did not stay with the man, and thank goodness we never married.


----------



## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I disagree. What is loving about isolating your partner and grilling her about where she is going/has been and not letting her meet up with her mother? That isn't love. It's suffocation. It's control.


Like I said we don't know enough info about her, her situation, his side of the story. 

What if she is non- comunicave, what if she is 21, what if her mother is a bar rat and so on. Like i said i just playing devils advocate.


----------



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Actually, I side with her husband for the most part. I don't believe that married people should be attending bars or dance clubs without their spouses, under any circumstances, with the possible exception of that time with her mother. You can easily meet the girls at a resturant, why does it have to be a bar. Also letting your spouse know where you are is just common courtesy and mutual respect. So GNOs or BNOs are out in my opinion and most social events should be attended as couples .... because that's what couples do.
> 
> Having said that, it does sound like her husband is going a little overboard. In the end, if you can't live with what he says are his required boundaries, then leave him .... but before you do, weigh the pros and cons. If being out with the girls means more to you then all the positives he provides you with or the love you share, then you choice is clear; split up .... but that's as equally shallow as his "jealousy".


I generally agree with the above. I also feel that alcohol plays too much a role in your life and your friends lives . Sounds rather bizarre being an alcohol delivery service to friends and hankering for singles life at bars and clubs , even your relationship with your mother revolves around alcohol. You are married , go drink with your husband. I agree however that he shouldn't inhibit your relationship with your mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

Just bumped her another thread she started, maybe relivant.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jmcast said:


> My mother asked me to go out with her for a drink one night while he was out of town working and I had to refuse to go.


No, you didn't.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

some of us have the benefit of reading your other thread from February. putting the two threads together i think that either:

1. you have a problem with simple marital boundaries.....needing to stay 'friends' with an ex, needing to go to bars without your husband (that's a singles environment, unless he is with you IMO. you're not a single) etc.

2. or your husband is overly controlling and irrationally jealous (needing to control your SAME-SEX friendships and interactions??)

OR some combination of 1 and 2.

can't really tell what the real deal is in your case. but if #1 is the main issue, then yes you WILL have to deal with his feelings on it. I believe you when you say you haven't cheated, but crossing those particular boundaries displays a lack of respect for your husband. If you were to insist on doing things like that - I think a proper response from him would be to get back in touch with an old girlfriend or two, perhaps even make plans to see them in person (strike up something business-related perhaps...not a bad excuse), spend more time in bars and nightclubs (without you....a boy's night out say), maybe even hit a strip joint now and then....especially if he has friends that like that sort of thing. Hey as long as he's not cheating on you what's the harm?

i.e. give you a taste of your own medicine. If that doesn't make his point then it's time for him to find a better wife.

IF however #2 is the main reality, then you've already gotten some good feedback in this thread.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Still he flipped out, and nearly everyone on TAM supported the husband. I don't know why it's so hard for some people to admit they were simply wrong.


I was not yet a member back in February, but I read that thread and also felt that the wife was wrong. In the recent thread, I feel that the husband is not being reasonable. Instead of admitting to you that I was wrong, I instead think that being flexible according to a specific situation is a good thing. 

I don't understand why you don't see the difference between planning to meet a previous lover for work without telling a spouse and not being able to have a drink with one's mother at a lounge.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> I don't understand why you don't see the difference between planning to meet a previous lover for work without telling a spouse and not being able to have a drink with one's mother at a lounge.


Because in the first case, it was only for a job, and she never followed up with the assignment and never did it. So there was nothing to tell. Yes, she could have told her husband that at one time she agreed to the job, but that is such a slight offense that it raises my outrage meter to the level of a hair on a flea.

Anyway, the husband doesn't see any difference between the two cases. That is the problem.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Anyway, the husband doesn't see any difference between the two cases. That is the problem.


Good point.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Theseus said:


> ....


Theseus, I think you and I are talking at cross purposes but we have similar views overall. 

In the first post, she was straight up being sneaky. Did he over-react? Maybe, maybe not, but he certainly had a reason to be unhappy and threatened by her behavior. It wasn't that she had a lapse of memory about telling him she was going to do some work for an old flame, it was that she took extra steps to avoid him learning the truth so she could "work for" the other guy even though it would upset her relationship. She failed to make the relationship a priority AND engaged in secretive behaviors. 

As MrK said, this post is written to elicit a different response. It's all about what he's doing, and not including her own role in these events. I suspect MrK is right about she's wanting to get validation without holding a microscope up to herself. 

If you've read my other posts, you'll see that I believe there are always two abusers when abuse exists. I am not claiming she's innocent. But if the question is "Do these behaviors qualify as love or manipulation?" then that's the question I believe I have answered. It's not the same question that was posted in the first thread. 

But I agree 100% with your statement about trust and partnership, which appears to be broken in this relationship. I also agree with the folks who have called attention to the alcohol aspect... the behaviors listed in both posts is completely consistent with alcoholic behavior and thought processes.


----------



## jmcast (Feb 27, 2013)

We have been together for almost 2 years now....I have never and wont ever cheat...I am a faithful woman to my husband...
I haven't stepped into a bar without him since we've been together, but once and that was to talk to a girlfriend...I was in there 5 mins and didn't drink a drop and spook to no one but her...and i got yelled at for that....that was toward the beginning of the relationship.....

Its not that I want to go to the bars....its just feels like the point that he doesnt trust me enough to even go out with my mom....or a girlfriend....

So I'm going to try and see if my best girlfriend would like to go out for dinner one night...not to a bar and how he would react upon that....

I can understand his feeling on the whole bar thing and yes I can live without the bar unless he is with me...he's worth it...but I just hate having to let people down when I have to say no i cant because of him....especially to my mom or a girlfriend i havent seen in a long while....

P.s. the bar is pretty much the only thing in my town for social interactions....unless i want to go grocery shopping with a friend.

But there was that one time when i was just going to go to her house to visit and pretty much cried until i took him with....


----------



## jmcast (Feb 27, 2013)

thank you all for all of your advice....its all greatly appreciated. 

There is still another issue too, that is kinda of bothersome to me...and wonder again if i am wrong to remember him.... post another new thread on this later....


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think I asked you if he gets mad at you often. Does he?


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

jmcast said:


> We have been together for almost 2 years now....I have never and wont ever cheat...I am a faithful woman to my husband...
> I haven't stepped into a bar without him since we've been together, but once and that was to talk to a girlfriend...I was in there 5 mins and didn't drink a drop and spook to no one but her...and i got yelled at for that....that was toward the beginning of the relationship.....
> 
> Its not that I want to go to the bars....its just feels like the point that he doesnt trust me enough to even go out with my mom....or a girlfriend....
> ...



and you like to stay in touch with old boyfriends??


----------



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

What do you mean by "upset"? 

It's okay to let grown-ups deal with their own upset-ness. It's not your job to fix HIS reaction. 

If "upset" translates into abusive behavior, that's a red line--you leave. 

But if "upset" means he has to pout or whatever--so be it. 

It sounds to me like you're enabling him. You're letting his upset mood dictate your behavior. Stop it. 

And see what happens.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

questar1 said:


> What do you mean by "upset"?
> 
> It's okay to let grown-ups deal with their own upset-ness. It's not your job to fix HIS reaction.
> 
> ...


^ This! 

I wrote that article I said I wanted to quote MrK on: Abusive Relationships | Why Change is So Difficult 

Not sure if you would find it helpful yet, jm, but it's there if you want to read it.


----------



## jmcast (Feb 27, 2013)

.I dont even talk to any men anymore, unless Im at work or one of his friends comes to visit him.....it's no problem....I gave up so much to be with this man...I still I have no regrets... I love him whole heart and soul....I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with his jealously issues...and he has admitted to having such issues....just makes me feel like he doesn't trust me...and I have never really giving him any reason for him not to trust me....He is a wonderful man and no we don't hardly argue much...It's more just bothers me that he asks what im doing... every time he sees that I'm on my Facebook....I always tell him and asks if he wants to see my messages...he does want to look at them, so he does show some trust...He tells me everyday how much he loves me and how happy he is....Yes, he makes me very happy too....and yes his pro's totally out weigh the con's...but these con's are just something I'm not use to having....Like ive said before...I have been single most of my life and not use to a man giving a s*** as much as he has ever shown me....My mom and some friends...Have all told me that he is controlling...blah blah blah.....But they arent the ones who lives with him....So, he has asked me to no longer go into the bars without him....Done...I haven't had a problem doing that, my problem was letting my friend or family down when I say I cant go.....which then gives my friend and family a reason to say he's isolating me...
I'm a Libra...I can see both side...I'm just trying to balance it out better....and maybe figure out with some of all your advice on how to handle my own feelings better and help him to trust me more so his jealousy has no need to arise.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

JMCast, you appear to be a very good and loyal person, but I believe that you are en route to disaster. I don't know what the exact situation with your husband is, but he appears to have issues. Why is he so anxious about you going to bars (not that I think going to bars all the time is a good thing) or having other male friends (again not that I think this is a good thing) - sometimes you do need to meet up with other (girl) friends and occasionally going into bars is not the end of the world - especially if you are completely transparent with him and trust each other. Also some of your friends are bound to be male and if they are regularly in mixed groups, have relationships of their own and most importantly, know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are off limits, then this too should not be a problem. So where do his insecurities come from ?

If I were you (and you appear to be a balanced Libran), I would sit down with him and discuss boundaries, social needs etc. Reassure him that you love him and try and get down to what is feeding his anxieties. If you don't, over time he is going to drive you into the arms of somebody else (who is charming, attractive and kind). This is what I meant by you are heading for disaster. Even if you intend to be 100% faithful now.

You had a normal life before and while things change when you are married, there seems to be an over-controlling aspect here. You need to deal with this soon.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jm, I have rarely seen a case when your family and friends are unanimously telling you a spouse is controlling or abusive when they really aren't. Listen to them.


----------

