# so resentful...



## ToesInTheSand (Sep 11, 2011)

My fiance (33) and I (27) have been living together for 5 years and share an amazing 3 year-old son. For the first 2 years of our son's life we hardly went out to "party" with other couples. We would have an occasional date night, but home by 10pm the latest. The beginning of the summer we started letting our son do overnights at both grandparents homes.
At first we would go have drinks with friends, but this eventually turned into us partying every other weekend to the point of me blacking out drunk on 2 different occasions. My fiance is a marijuana smoker and it really bothers me a lot. We've tried to make a mutual agreement that we should both stop recreational drinking and smoking for the sake of our son. He claims that the alcohol is the problem and his pot smoking is to deal with "stress". We were not brought up in homes that had pot smokers or drunken nights and we don't want to have our son growing up like that either.
The problem that keeps arising is that when we argue he calls me an "alcoholic" or embarrasses me by bringing up things Ive said or done while drunk. I absolutely do not have a problem with alcohol, I had 2 occasions where I drank too much but the lesson was learned with serious hangovers. When we fight it gets so nasty that we've thrown things and broken glasses. 
If I knew that drinking and socializing with other couples would have ended up like this I would have stayed a "homebody"!!!
I need to find a way to let the names "go away". How do I let the resentment of past arguments disappear? We've gotten so nasty towards one another that I've been sleeping at my mother's house and taking our son along with me. 
When we attempt to talk about our problems I continuously hold a grudge.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

You should probably get into some individual and perhaps, marital counseling. It seems as though you are both resentful, and need to 'clear the air' about things said and done, in order to move on. From what I can tell you seem pretty open and honest with yourself, but are still affected by humiliation from your SO. He may be using the things he says to switch the focus off of him and back on to you...

In any sense, no matter if you fight in front of your son or not, certain things will be imprinted on him... the coldness, distance or hostility that may be felt when there are no words.

I believe the key to resolving your grudges is to get to the deeper matter of the issues. I wish you luck!!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Kids grow up imitating what their parents do, if you drink and fight that's what the kids will see as "normal" My folks got me drunk when I was around five for the first time, by the time I was 19 I was looking at prison, all because of booze.

Why do you have to stop drinking and partying as a couple? Why don't you stop right now? Someone needs to set a good example for the kid and be a mentally and physically involved parent, and if you're drinking or nursing a hangover you aren't either. 

Yinpriness offers great advise, I agree with her suggestions. You two can't just live life how you feel any longer, all your actions affect your child.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The two of you have to stop arguing about the moral superiority of your own vices.

And the excuses of dealing with stress (his) and how you'd have never become a boozer if... (yours) have to just be abandoned for what they are--excuses.

Going forward?

You cannot hang with partiers. Period. 

And stop the booze and pot.

Focus on raising that new family of yours. You are in a new phase of life that requires different things than you expected, but that's just too bad.

Find new friends that are not substance abusers.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

As far as medical harm goes, alcohol is far worse than pot. As far as child rearing goes, angry fighting parents is far worse than happy partying parents. I think you need to prioritize your problems and focus first on solving the things that will have the greatest benefit. Before you can do any of that though you need to overcome your resentment. That's hard to do, but what works best for me is learning how to view the source of the resentment in a new way. For example: You say you are resentful because he calls you an alcoholic and you don't believe you are. What if the reason he is saying you are an alcoholic is because he cares about you? He may not say it like he cares, it may come across as a hurtful insult, but that doesn't mean it's not motivated by a genuine concern for you. 
If you can accept that he isn't attacking you, even when it seems like he is, you will get over your resentment. Once you have done that the two of you can work together on solving your real problems (and on improving how you two communicate so that future resentment can be defused before it gets out of control again).


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

ToesInTheSand said:


> My fiance (33) and I (27) have been living together for 5 years and share an amazing 3 year-old son. For the first 2 years of our son's life we hardly went out to "party" with other couples. We would have an occasional date night, but home by 10pm the latest. The beginning of the summer we started letting our son do overnights at both grandparents homes.
> At first we would go have drinks with friends, but this eventually turned into us partying every other weekend to the point of me blacking out drunk on 2 different occasions. My fiance is a marijuana smoker and it really bothers me a lot. We've tried to make a mutual agreement that we should both stop recreational drinking and smoking for the sake of our son. He claims that the alcohol is the problem and his pot smoking is to deal with "stress". We were not brought up in homes that had pot smokers or drunken nights and we don't want to have our son growing up like that either.
> The problem that keeps arising is that when we argue he calls me an "alcoholic" or embarrasses me by bringing up things Ive said or done while drunk. I absolutely do not have a problem with alcohol, I had 2 occasions where I drank too much but the lesson was learned with serious hangovers. When we fight it gets so nasty that we've thrown things and broken glasses.
> If I knew that drinking and socializing with other couples would have ended up like this I would have stayed a "homebody"!!!
> ...


I'm sorry you are going through this. But why not give yourself a 2-3 drink MAXIMUM when you are out with your husband and friends? Pace yourself. Drink lots of water in between. I've had those "blackout" nights as well, and I know it's not fun when you just can't remember things. Reduce your alcohol intake and you should be just fine.

As for your H, mine smokes as well and it does not alter his behavior in any negative way. It does not make him lazy. In fact, it does the opposite. He cleans the house, takes care of the yard, goes for a bike ride, and all sorts of things. Alcohol is worse than pot for sure. Anyone will tell you that.


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