# Sepparated spouse is dating should I just give up?



## trying2hard (Oct 20, 2012)

My wife and I have 2 kids 2and 3. I was the primary care taker of them while we both finished college, Within 3 mos after the her graduation she convinced me that we should move to another state where we could both financial stable. I was still in school and decided to go along with it and move her and my kids then join them two months later. within those two months she told me that she needed space and had been dating, having sex with several people , in love with one and never came to my graduation. now 10 moths later she is still dating but wants m to move closer for my kids and to see if we can work on things. I gave in again and went down to visit for xmas and got attached all over again only to find that she has a separate phone from her main phone with tons of numbers from different guys from the clubs and bars that she frequents. I feel that I should finally get that divorce. I really would like to reconcile but shes hot and cold
confront about the jerks shes dating or never say anything? and file.. i know if i say anything its not going to stop her , its going to let her know that I know and thats it!


----------



## FC Dynamite (Sep 23, 2013)

Man oh man... I might get banned for saying this, but your wife is acting like a major sloot. She was having sex with guys while your together, and continues to have sex with guys even after she asks you to work things out. I'm afraid your headed for divorce my friend.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to man up and draw up your boundaries. She's going to walk all over you and string you along for as long as she can because there's no implications for her. All you're doing now is destroying any respect she had for you.

But yes... I think she's done with you and your marriage. File and move on.

C


----------



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Oh I am so sorry for you Trying,
She does not sound like someone who wants to keep the marriage. She has checked out. 
Imagine this:
If you two someone manage to move past all her incredibly selfish behavior, could you forgive her??

I would suggest you do the 180 and move on. She is definitely not ready to commit to a marriage.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Sorry Trying. She wants you to move closer so she will have a baby sitter.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I agree with everyone. She has no respect for you. She's using you. I'd like to bet you're giving her money as well "for the kids"? File for divorce. Get custody of those kids because it is not good seeing random men in and out of the house. It's going to mess them up. I'd start gathering evidence so you can take those kids and make a good stable life for them.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Given the ease with which she wrote off your relationship and cheating, what makes you think she wouldn't do it again further down the road? In fact, what is there in her behavior that suggests she could ever be monogamous?


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

trying2hard said:


> My wife and I have 2 kids 2and 3. I was the primary care taker of them while we both finished college, Within 3 mos after the her graduation she convinced me that we should move to another state where we could both financial stable. I was still in school and decided to go along with it and move her and my kids then join them two months later. within those two months she told me that she needed space and had been dating, having sex with several people , in love with one and never came to my graduation. now 10 moths later she is still dating but wants m to move closer for my kids and to see if we can work on things. I gave in again and went down to visit for xmas and got attached all over again only to find that she has a separate phone from her main phone with tons of numbers from different guys from the clubs and bars that she frequents. I feel that I should finally get that divorce. I really would like to reconcile but shes hot and cold
> confront about the jerks shes dating or never say anything? and file.. i know if i say anything its not going to stop her , its going to let her know that I know and thats it!


File for divorce, 180, and only have contact for the kids. I would also get paternity tests for both children and STD tested for yourself.

Concentrate on your own life, don't worry about what she wants. If the kids are DNA tested and proven to be your offspring, then be a good and responsible father to them, but do not waste your time with her. Be amicable for the children, but no contact for any other reason.

Don't keep moving around to appease her. Stop being her doormat...she's a cake eater.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry bro',

Protect your self-esteem and move on. 

I like the paternity test and STD test. I might take a different approach and get the STD test myself but tell her that you don't think the kids are yours and if she expects any financial support she will have to prove they are.

Good luck,
Stretch


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Reading your post made me want to scream:

"RUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!"

File for D, stop tolerating her quite frankly disgusting behaviour. Don't let her continue to walk all over you.

You may think you love her and want to R, take a step back and think why you would allow yourself to love such a person? Is it her you love or an idealised version of her that in all likelihood never actually existed to begin with?

Get some IC to find out why you tolerate this, and if you do genuinely love the authentic her, why you choose to love such a horrific person.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

T2H,

For the life of me, I cannot believe you did not get VD!

Happy New Year,
Stretch


----------



## trying2hard (Oct 20, 2012)

I never was going to come back to this site again after my post because I didn't want to know the obvious..(Denial).
I guess I just needed to vent somewhere and get it out of my system once and for all..after reading all of your replies, I hope it finally sinks in that i need to move on quick. It hurts being alone but I realized that I have been alone for over a year now this month marks the date that I drove her in the bed of many other men..jeez that even sounds ridiculous and sick.. Maybe Im the one that needs the help.
*Update..*
since the last time on this site there has been more issues..
you may read my replies to other members but please start at the first post then this to get the just of this mess.
OK
We have lived in separate homes since last FEB. This whole time she has been dating other people and never told me, when I asked if she was seeing someone, it would always be " why is it always about other men. never a complete no or yes" Since there was no one else, I figured I could stand by her until she figured this B.S out. while she was 900mi away, I stayed and tried to get things done at her /our family home. I have been taking care of the house by my self for a yr waiting on her to come home, well she never has.Now the pipes have frozen and flooded t. I almost had a stroke and had to go to the er.because of stress with all of this and my so called marriage. and still continued to work on the house.. she claimed me on her taxes,,and bought a new car new sexy dresses ..should i go on?
tried go around me since she didnt need my help anymore to have someone else fix the house. 
Now they cant fix it or wont fix it so now she basically says its been over with me and her for a long time and that I never did anything for my kids blah blah.. and now I need to help her?
I guess I had this one coming..
Please leave comments that motivate and help me. dont know where to go with this one..
I guess the real reason is Im scared to realize that its over


----------



## trying2hard (Oct 20, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I agree with everyone. She has no respect for you. She's using you. I'd like to bet you're giving her money as well "for the kids"? File for divorce. Get custody of those kids because it is not good seeing random men in and out of the house. It's going to mess them up. I'd start gathering evidence so you can take those kids and make a good stable life for them.


:iagree:
I guess I somewhat signed my rights over in some kind of manipulative maneuver a few years ago by her stating" if something ever happens to me then my sister will get the kids"
I didnt realize that I was being set-up.. so I guess I need to start the ball rolling. but dont know where to start..


----------



## trying2hard (Oct 20, 2012)

Stretch said:


> T2H,
> 
> For the life of me, I cannot believe you did not get VD!
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Stretch I appreciate your comment but jeez..
I have been beat up enough for being stupid..
I say I need help.. but Im so distracted with all this nonsense whats going on that I dont know if Id even take the advice..
thats the messed up part


----------



## trying2hard (Oct 20, 2012)

WantWifeBack said:


> Reading your post made me want to scream:
> 
> "RUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!"
> 
> ...



I have been lead on for a year now, and I have low self esteem
and no money.. All my money has been put into the house thats not even in my name..:rofl: hysterically!!


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

You didn’t drive her to the bed of other men, she chose that herself. She made the decision to abandon the marriage for a different life. You could have done things in your marriage better, each and every one of us could have to. Her seeing other guys is completely her decision to own, not your fault or her excuse that you let her down. 

You have two wonderful children that need a father and role model. Focus your attention on yourself and them. Empower yourself to move forward as hard as that is, the better man you become the more she will see what she tossed away.


----------



## trying2hard (Oct 20, 2012)

tulsy said:


> File for divorce, 180, and only have contact for the kids. I would also get paternity tests for both children and STD tested for yourself.
> 
> Concentrate on your own life, don't worry about what she wants. If the kids are DNA tested and proven to be your offspring, then be a good and responsible father to them, but do not waste your time with her. Be amicable for the children, but no contact for any other reason.
> 
> Don't keep moving around to appease her. Stop being her doormat...she's a cake eater.


thanks I guess I need to find my way now..:scratchhead:


----------



## trying2hard (Oct 20, 2012)

one more thing.. what is a 180? in laymen's terms.. Im not that bright as you can tell.. all of my brain energy went into trying to get her back


----------



## trying2hard (Oct 20, 2012)

honcho said:


> You didn’t drive her to the bed of other men, she chose that herself. She made the decision to abandon the marriage for a different life. You could have done things in your marriage better, each and every one of us could have to. Her seeing other guys is completely her decision to own, not your fault or her excuse that you let her down.
> 
> You have two wonderful children that need a father and role model. Focus your attention on yourself and them. Empower yourself to move forward as hard as that is, the better man you become the more she will see what she tossed away.



thank you .. I really have taken the blame for all of this.. I love my kids and she makes it virtually impossible to talk to them without talking to her first.. Sometimes I cannot handle hearing from her knowing what shes doing..


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

honcho said:


> You didn’t drive her to the bed of other men, she chose that herself. She made the decision to abandon the marriage for a different life. You could have done things in your marriage better, each and every one of us could have to. Her seeing other guys is completely her decision to own, not your fault or her excuse that you let her down.
> 
> You have two wonderful children that need a father and role model. Focus your attention on yourself and them. Empower yourself to move forward as hard as that is, the better man you become the more she will see what she tossed away.


This is spot on. 

You have to detach emotionally from her. This is called the "180" or it is also known as the 37 rules. Google it and you will see. You must stop making her your focus. You have given her control of your life and well-being. She has sought other men and has slept with them while still married to you. This is not an impressive woman. Don't you deserve better than this? Is she really such a prize? She owns her actions, not you. However, the longer you stay engaged with her, the more complicit you are. Don't be her cuckold. Real men aren't cuckolds. 

You need to start creating yourself into the man you want (and were destined) to be. Today.

If you need individual counseling, arrange for this. Today.

If your kids are old enough to contact directly, arrange for this.

Seek legal advice. Arrange an appointment. Today. 

Stop blaming yourself for her issues/actions. Today. She's happy for you to shoulder this. 

Only speak with your STBX if it has to do with the kids. When I call my kid and my X answers, I simply ask to speak with my kid. There is no other business. 

You will get through this. It isn't going to be easy or pretty, but if you put the time into making this a learning/development process for yourself, you will come out better in the end. Trust me on this. There are no shortcuts. 

HL


----------



## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

T2H,

Scrape off! Concentrate on you and your children. Don't waste your time, energy, and emotions on someone who is so cavalier with your heart. Believe me, it's VERY PAINFUL, i have been with my STBXW for 24 years and i'm breaking out of the fog of co-dependcy. Once you reflect on how you've treated her vs. how she treated you, it will be easier to let go. A book that really helped me is "Letting Go".


----------

