# Still can't drop the O issue



## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Topic of the big O came up again. W's only concern is feeling bad that I feel bad. I'm feeling bad because she never comes, zero, 99% of the time. Occasionally there's an O, I think, using a vibe. But we can't do that too often because I'm like slamming that thing in fast and hard and she gets sore. TMI. She's happy to have her O's on her own while I'm at work. I think it sucks.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Basically same issue here. Wife is what they term "Primary Anorgasmic". She says the same thing--she's not concerned about it. It's mind-boggling to think it wouldn't be important for someone, but I have to trust her that she's telling me the truth. I do wish she'd have more interest in exploring treatment options, but ultimately if she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Only because it was free, I had a couple counseling sessions where I brought this issue up and said it was causing me stress. The counselor was adamant, as you say, that it was HER issue, not mine. I don't get this at all. No matter how many times people have tried to explain this to me here  I just don't get it. If its HER problem, why am I always sad, disappointed, and depressed about it? If my wife and I have sex and on the rare occasion I can't finish, its full up panic mode for her..."what's wrong" "you don't like me tonight". why the double standard?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Gseries said:


> Occasionally there's an O, I think, using a vibe. But we can't do that too often because I'm like slamming that thing in fast and hard and she gets sore.


Here's an idea. Stop slamming that thing in fast and hard so she doesn't get sore. 



Gseries said:


> She's happy to have her O's on her own while I'm at work. I think it sucks.


How about you watch her giving it to herself and learn what works for her rather than doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results?

I know, you're wondering why you didn't think of that yourself.

P.S. She's NOT happy to have O's on her own. If anything she's starting to feel resentful that you can't do it for her.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

yeah. slamming the vibe? what?


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

lol. its a G spot vibe. its the only combination I've found that elicits a response. I could stop the fast/hard but then she won't come.
to your other point, how is this a win for me...my wife is either lying, or not interested in sharing, either way, I lose, yes?
As in, she really would rather only give herself the ultimate pleasure, and doesn't want my help or presence, or, she really does wish I would bring her there, but she is lying to make me feel better? But I don't feel better.

Yes I've watched and studied. the funny thing is, she can't come if I'm watching. we've tried MANY times. she can go to the bathroom and come in 30 seconds. but not while I'm watching. a woman's mind must be a fantastic place.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Ok, you tried watching and learning, can't fault you there.

She's self conscious.

Try turning the lights low or off.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Gseries said:


> Occasionally there's an O, I think, using a vibe. But we can't do that too often because *I'm like slamming that thing in fast and hard* and she gets sore.


 :wtf: 

As a woman who can easily get off using a vibe in 30 seconds or less :smthumbup:, I can ASSURE you that if you're "slamming that thing *IN* fast and hard, you are *doing it ALL WRONG!!!*

Forget the G-spot toy, get an old-fashioned, high-powered cylinder vibe. The vibe never needs to go "in" for her to have an orgasm. Find her cl*toris on the OUTSIDE -- do you know where it is? Not trying to be rude, just cutting to the chase.

Place the vibe ON or NEAR her cl*toris (it's nowhere NEAR her v*gina), rotate slowly and gently until she starts to feel the sweet spot. Once she feels it, apply a little more pressure in that spot, and she will get off. Trust me, she WILL get off!

Never a need to go inside unless you just want to try something "different."

If she's never experienced a cl*toral orgasm she is in for the Holy Grail of MIGHTY treats!!


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I can see my choice of words was poor. while I'm not an expert, I do know where the clitoris _should_ be, its just not very big.
we have anatomy lessons every six months or so when I decide I need to check things out. she thinks I'm a moron. um, this is pretty graphic, but after 18 years of marriage, and me being in my 40's, the first female orgasm I ever got to witness, was while slowly caressing said clitoris while "carefully but with positive pressure maneuvering an angled G-spot vibrator in and out of her vagina rapidly". I don't have a clue how we got there, but I do know that she likes hard thrusting during sex, harder than I can provide really, and she likes it when my hand that is gripping the vibe hits her mound. how do I know she came? well I asked her after everything started to swell up and she started spurting fluid everywhere which I had never ever ever seen before.
I dunno, I can thrust pretty hard for a little while during PiV but I gotta tell you the slapping of the testicles after awhile makes me nauseous. I asked her once and she said she's usually starting to get into it just about the time I stop and change positions. it was then that I realized I could never match the almighty power of the vibrator...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Gseries said:


> Topic of the big O came up again. W's only concern is feeling bad that I feel bad. I'm feeling bad because she never comes, zero, 99% of the time. Occasionally there's an O, I think, using a vibe. But we can't do that too often because I'm like slamming that thing in fast and hard and she gets sore. TMI. She's happy to have her O's on her own while I'm at work. I think it sucks.


If she's capable of O with a tool then she's capable with you going downtown. She just needs to tell you what to do.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Still can't drop the O issue*



Gseries said:


> Only because it was free, I had a couple counseling sessions where I brought this issue up and said it was causing me stress. The counselor was adamant, as you say, that it was HER issue, not mine. I don't get this at all. No matter how many times people have tried to explain this to me here  I just don't get it. If its HER problem, why am I always sad, disappointed, and depressed about it? If my wife and I have sex and on the rare occasion I can't finish, its full up panic mode for her..."what's wrong" "you don't like me tonight". why the double standard?


This is why I still fake O's with my husband and why I will probably never completely drop that behavior. I know that his response would be exactly like yours. There's no way I would be able to deal with it. 

A bit about how I view it:

Do I wish I could O with my husband 100% of the time? Of course. (Our current success rate is probably 10% and that is when I use a vibrator in combo with PIV....the other 90% of the time I am faking it.)

Do I wish I could O easily in general, including on my own? Of course!!

A long time ago...in my earliest days of sex (and I started at 14!) It didn't take me long to realize that I was different than a lot of other girls. O's can be easy for me to give myself (used to be at least, now not so much) but with a partner...even a very selfless, willing and engaged partner...it's not happening. In fact I had 5 sex partners in my life, most long term relationships and I only achieved O with 2 of them. One of those being my husband. 

I've had 15 years to understand and come to terms that this is my reality and it still stings when I hear about other women who get there so easily. But you know what...I still enjoy sex immensely even without the O. I enjoy the physical feelings and enjoy watching my H lose himself in the pleasure. 

I never want my H to be so absorbed in what my body cannot achieve...lord knows I've beat myself up about it enough already and don't really wish to go thru it with another person mourning the loss of my broken body. I choose to focus more on what I CAN do, I can still enjoy sex and I can still pleasure my H. I choose to withhold the whole truth from him because I don't want him to experience the feelings that you are experiencing. It does us both no good. I've done my part in exploring all kinds of different options, with and without him and have made peace with where I am and what my body doesn't do. 

Your feelings are yours. They are not right or wrong. But you need to understand that you are absorbing and owning a problem that you have no power over changing and that is a recipe for crazy making. In the process you are driving a wedge between yourself and your wife. I can guarantee you she's self conscious about this problem and understands how deeply it affects you. What can she do? 

I know it sounds trite but the only thing you do have control over is what you choose to focus on. You can choose to focus on what you do have (an active sex life with a wife that enjoys you), or what you don't have (her O).


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ok, my advice, forget trying to O while thrusting AND stimulating cl*t at the same time. Focus only on manual stimulation of her cl*toris with your hand, your mouth, or a vibrator. I think she is focusing on too many things at once, whether than just relaxing in to it and letting go.

Slow and easy wins this race.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Gseries said:


> I do know that she likes hard thrusting during sex, harder than I can provide really, and she likes it when my hand that is gripping the vibe hits her mound. how do I know she came? well I asked her after everything started to swell up and she started spurting fluid everywhere which I had never ever ever seen before.
> I dunno, I can thrust pretty hard for a little while during PiV but I gotta tell you the slapping of the testicles after awhile makes me nauseous. I asked her once and she said she's usually starting to get into it just about the time I stop and change positions. it was then that I realized I could never match the almighty power of the vibrator...


3 things stand out to me here:

- she's able to have g-spot orgasms, which are not (duh) clitoral orgasms. This is EXACTLY what my ex wife was like while with me. ONLY g-spot orgasms. Go figure.

- she likes to, for lack of a better term, get pounded. That's not that uncommon. Have you (or her) tried slapping her clit? I know that sounds rather rough, but this is a thing, apparently. (I've even seen in it person once. I didn't know what the hell she was doing, but it seemed to work...)

- I suggest you get her away from the vibrator, period. While it can be a fantastic tool, over all, in this case it is not doing you any favors. No, you can not compare to a vibrator, or even a dildo, especially when you are the one using it on her. It's much more effective when she's in control of it, and that's clear, because she can orgasm on her own.

FWIW, my ex wife was exactly like yours, minus the pounding bit. I could give her a gspot orgasm rather easily using just my fingers, but no clitoral orgasm, including if I used her vibrator(s) on her. Wasn't happening. But she could get herself off in no time on her own. But in front of me? Rarely, and even then, it could take a long time, her eyes would need to be closed, and she'd basically have to forget I was there. I couldn't even touch her, it would throw her off.

Some women just have a harder time than others to O. But trust me, ask her gently and nicely to get rid of the toys and start to focus on orgasming on her own, first, using just her fingers. Then after some time, maybe you can get involved. It'll be a long road, though, and not necessarily one she wants to travel.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Geeshe G, I can't believe people aren't more understanding.

How would any woman feel if her man never ejaculated in her presence? If he simply couldn't bring himself to ejaculate no matter what she did? Her confidence in herself as a woman, as a lover...would totally plummet!

And your wife admits to this double standard? She freaks out if you don't ejaculate.

I completely understand everyone saying this is not your issue but hers. But I can't understand how no one can understand how much this can weigh so heavily on you.

I have to say, this is as destructive as having a husband with ED who refuses to go to a doctor...and there are a lot of husbands who refuse.

She refuses to see a specialist. She refuses to deal with a health issue that clearly negatively effects your relationship. Yes, the problem is hers but it obviously affects you.

If you weren't married to her, would you stay with her knowing what you know.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon, to clarify my position, I know exactly what the OP is feeling. It's a feeling of inadequacy that's hard to even express. But there's truly nothing he can do about it until she is ready to explore options.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Well one thing you both can do is not ever rug sweep how much this effects you. In a very direct way, to own how hurt this makes you feel that a vital part of sex is missing and she would rather you hurt than her be uncomfortable in dealing with it.

I think that might be one positive thing to do. Might not bring results, but it's being honest.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sounds like she may have developed an unhealthy method of masturbation if you need to be so vigorous.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Basically same issue here. Wife is what they term "Primary Anorgasmic". She says the same thing--she's not concerned about it. It's mind-boggling to think it wouldn't be important for someone, but I have to trust her that she's telling me the truth. I do wish she'd have more interest in exploring treatment options, but ultimately if she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to.


Same here. 

I was miserable about it for a long time, even opened a thread here about it. Letting go of the issue was one of the hardest things I've done in my relationship.

We talked and talked about it but it didn't went the way I wanted to and that was to seek treatment options. Instead she felt broken, damaged and not good enough for me. So I let it go.

People here nudged me to order a book "The elusive orgasm" which I did. During an introduction the author explicitly said that the therapy can be successful only if she wants it to succeed for her own sake. If she's there because her partner is distressed it's hopeless.

Edit: I think Gseries situation is worse than ours since she has orgasms but without him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Gseries said:


> But we can't do that too often because I'm like slamming that thing in fast and hard and she gets sore.


This is why it's not working. 

A lot of women need clitoral stimulation, not just the old "jackhammer" sex. I cannot O w/o it. 

I've read a million things that say most women can't O from vaginal intercourse alone.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would ask her to abstain from masterbation(you can also ) for a period of time.

Go on dates and just have fun together. let the tenssion build and then after said period of time (a month or so ) I would say lets just start over with you telling me what you like and me doing the same. No pressure whatso ever. just being sensual and open about what feels good. if you have some failures don't let it bother you just keep trying.


does she red romance novels? I ask because I believe that a women can become addicted to them and fantsize about men who are just perfect know just what they want emotionaly and sexually and sorta of like how a men can become addicted to porn and then need it to orgasm women can have the same problem with erotica/romance novels.

and there is a huge double standard with when men can't orgasm with their wife the wife acts like he don't love me or think I'm sexy any more. But when the reverse happens men are soposed to be ok with it.

If this is making you unhappy and she refuses to work on it with you eventually you will become resentfull and not want to even have sex with her. I know thats how I would feel.

giving your partner and orgasm is one of the most important things for both genders and I would not want to spen the rest of my marriage thinking I couldn't give my wife a decent orgasm.......or better yet the best orgasm of her life!


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Well, considering that there is far greater number of women who have trouble achieving orgasm than men I don't agree about huge double standard here.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

TheStranger said:


> Well, considering that there is far greater number of women who have trouble achieving orgasm than men I don't agree about huge double standard here.


Please explain what that has to do with it?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The double standard is due to the fact that a very large number of women never orgasm while only about 5% of men do not... Though that number is increasing

Reason it matters: what is statistically "true" is generally considered normal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> The double standard is due to the fact that a very large number of women never orgasm while only about 5% of men do not... Though that number is increasing
> 
> Reason it matters: what is statistically "true" is generally considered normal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ah but when it comes to sexuality and more specifically women's sexuality normal is everything. The experts simply don't know enough about women's sexuality to create a normal.

Therefore women have to create their own normal based on what they want and are willing to work toward.

My husband considers it normal to be emotionally stunted, repressed, and withdrawn. I don't. So it's not a matter of who is right or who is wrong. It's a matter of what I want my normal to look like and is he capable of fitting himself into that frame.

I know now what I want my normal to look like. The question is, is he capable of fitting himself into that frame. I no longer ask if my normal is something I am worthy of. I no longer ask if I deserve my normal. I ask only... Are you willing and able to be my normal?

Based on his behavior through out our marriage, the answer is No.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah but the thing is, a LOT of women don't orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kag123 said:


> Your feelings are yours. They are not right or wrong. But you need to understand that you are absorbing and owning a problem that you have no power over changing and that is a recipe for crazy making. In the process you are driving a wedge between yourself and your wife. I can guarantee you she's self conscious about this problem and understands how deeply it affects you. What can she do?
> 
> I know it sounds trite but the only thing you do have control over is what you choose to focus on. You can choose to focus on what you do have (an active sex life with a wife that enjoys you), or what you don't have (her O).


I think this advice is both insensitive and great.

Insensitive because it ignores the very real feeling this is for many men. Often, when frequency is low, men are asked on these boards if they are making it good for the wife. Sometimes, it is out right said that they are lacking, because otherwise their wife would want more sex. Many men want to be great lovers to their wife. When they don't, they feel that they have failed their wife. That feeling just won't go away.

But having said that, this is *great* advice because it is the only thing the OP can do. He should apologize for the pressure he has put on her, let her know he is happy to help her when she requests it, but won't bring it up again so as to avoid making her feel bad. Then, he needs to concentrate on having a fullfilling experience with his wife. Have fun and enjoy, but don't worry about it anymore. 

Easier said then done, but OP needs to truly recognize that this is her issue to deal with alone (or at least until she includes him).


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I would also add that one of the best jump starts to my sex life with my wife was when I stopped worrying about her O. Once I quit pressuring her, she was able to relax and enjoy what we were doing. We are now at her getting an O at about a 95% rate. I trust her to tell me what she needs, as well as that she enjoys sometimes when it is just for me.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I would also add that one of the best jump starts to my sex life with my wife was when I stopped worrying about her O. Once I quit pressuring her, she was able to relax and enjoy what we were doing. We are now at her getting an O at about a 95% rate. I trust her to tell me what she needs, as well as that she enjoys sometimes when it is just for me.


This!

Can men tell the difference between a woman taking delight in his body and a woman following a recipe? I can. I think most women can...but I am just assuming this.

My husband follows a recipe. He isn't taking delight in my body he is taking delight in the responses I give as a result of what he is doing. He has even said as much. "Turn it on, adjust the station, adjust the volume, tweak the antenna and I get music." (For the younger crowd, radios used to come with antenaes -telescoping metal rods that you could move about to find the best radio wave reception- the only plug was to to into the wall, the only jack was for headphones, there was no jack for iPods.)


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Ok, my advice, forget trying to O while thrusting AND stimulating cl*t at the same time. Focus only on manual stimulation of her cl*toris with your hand, your mouth, or a vibrator. I think she is focusing on too many things at once, whether than just relaxing in to it and letting go.
> 
> Slow and easy wins this race.




Guys - GOLDEN NUGGET HERE: "Slow and easy wins this race."

Also IMO, forget what porn tells you. That is all about they guy and it screws you up.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> This!
> 
> Can men tell the difference between a woman taking delight in his body and a woman following a recipe? I can. I think most women can...but I am just assuming this.
> 
> My husband follows a recipe. He isn't taking delight in my body he is taking delight in the responses I give as a result of what he is doing. He has even said as much. "Turn it on, adjust the station, adjust the volume, tweak the antenna and I get music." (For the younger crowd, radios used to come with antenaes -telescoping metal rods that you could move about to find the best radio wave reception- the only plug was to to into the wall, the only jack was for headphones, there was no jack for iPods.)


Preach it SISTER!!!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP,

I want to clarify a point that will (hopefully) make you feel better.

As an HD, HIGHLY sexual woman (age 48) I have RARELY achieved an "O" from PIV intercourse alone. NOW, if my lover performs oral on me, or he manually stimulates me during PIV, OR he pulls out one of many assorted toys, I am able to "O" in less than a minute.

It's not a reflection on YOU or HER... every woman's body is different... every woman has her own personal "threshold" for what it takes to "get there"... I never "desensitized" myself with toys, it's just my anatomical makeup.

Don't despair over "only getting her there with your body -- no toys." 

TRUE intimacy means accepting "what it is"... whatever it is. There are a thousand ways to make love and achieve "O"... you just have to find "her way"...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
An orgasm lasts seconds (OK maybe a lot of seconds ), a good lovemaking session over an hour. 

Orgasm should not be "goal" of lovemaking, it is just one of the nice things that hopefully happens. 

If your partner can't orgasm from PIV sex, but can from other things, then include those other things in your lovmaking. If you partner can orgasm herself, but not with you, see if she will show you (or at least tell you) what she enjoys. 

Mostly just do what you both enjoy.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I think this advice is both insensitive and great.
> 
> Insensitive because it ignores the very real feeling this is for many men. Often, when frequency is low, men are asked on these boards if they are making it good for the wife. Sometimes, it is out right said that they are lacking, because otherwise their wife would want more sex. Many men want to be great lovers to their wife. When they don't, they feel that they have failed their wife. That feeling just won't go away.
> 
> ...


or......having a sexually repressed wife who doesn't want to try to over come this issue is a deal breaker.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I've only been with 2 women, and the first had zero issues with achieving multiple orgasms via PIV while the wife almost never does via PIV. So I can't speak to whether the majority of women do or not via PIV alone.

It was easier when my wife was younger to get her to climax via PIV. After the 3rd child, it's been harder. Now is it age that affects her or the trauma from a 3rd child delivered vaginally? IDK. I know that she no longer likes to feel oral. But she still enjoys it when I rub her and bring her to orgasm by doing that. It used to bother me that I couldn't get her over the edge. She'd get very close and just couldn't get to that top. But...I've seen her get a lot of enjoyment from PIV sex and I've heard her gasp or say words like "OMG", "it's so fvcking good!", etc. enough times to know that I can hit the right spots. 

For the OP, I'd say give her a good screwing via PIV and use other means to get her off in the end - like oral, hands or toys. Honestly, as long as you can still get an erection and your wife can lubricate (or use a good quality lube), then PIV can be enjoyable for the both of you.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

LOL Anon. Read your other post about your husband.

Right on about PIV being great no matter what.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I could have written most of kg' s post - except my main difference is that my DH is not motivated to make me o. Or should I say his motivation doesn't work for me. He agrees I deserve one and offers me stimulation but is not that open to changing it up or learning he fine details. If I said I no longer cared about O he probably would be fine with it. 

I have noticed that women can keep an awful lot to themselves. And when the news isn't good some women would just like to not deal with the issue. 

Perhaps the way she gets off is different and she doesn't want to say. Perhaps there is an intimacy issue where she isn't able to make herself vulnerable. 

I think over time for women who have difficulty o with a partner it becomes a form of ED. Once you start thinking you can't come you're not going to. 

I do really think if I had a partner who wanted me to o I could get there. It might be time consuming, there might be a learning curve. I might need to be reassured that it's going to happen even if it takes 2 hours. 

So far for me it only happens if I can do a vast majority by myself ahead of time. And it really becomes not worth that kind of trouble when it's so much easier on my own. He will up his game when I hit my tipping point every few months, but it doesn't change the fact that it's just not his priority. Like your dw. 

I've shed a lot of tears over my situation but have also accepted the truth that its not likely to change. I am free to go and find a new partner but I don't want to do that at this time. 

Its the common plight of most of us here, having more passion, more desire, more drive than the people we are with.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Still can't drop the O issue*



chillymorn said:


> or......having a sexually repressed wife who doesn't want to try to over come this issue is a deal breaker.


I stand by my statements whether they are insensitive or not. To the OP: do know that this is a hot button issue for me because of my past and my experience coincides with your wifes. So I am admittedly biased. 

I quoted the above because it is also good advice - you have a right to decide to leave if this is something you know you cannot get over. 

However, when I replied I was speaking from my own bias as a woman who is NOT sexually repressed and who has spent 15 years experimenting with her body, her various partners, moves, lotions, toys, porn, you name it. None of which made much difference for me. 

As the woman in this scenario - I can only tell you that after 15 years of banging your head into a wall, you get to a point where you ask yourself...what is my ultimate goal here? What is the point of having sex and being intimate with my husband? For me: it is not to achieve an O (or why ever have sex again, if I know it's not going to happen?). For me sex is for bonding, non-orgasmic pleasure, for giving myself to my husband and so much more. 

For him, it is probably for the same things but also for his O. And for him to feel like he's given me something in return. Sadly, he has been spoonfed a lifetime of garbage about making sure she comes first and monitoring his every move based on my feedback. (It's sweet, really, but puts a lot of pressure on me to perform for him.) It's the "recipe" analogy from a few posts up. And I don't fault him...I think this is half a result of how his brain works and half learned from his environment. But you know when sex is "hottest" for me? When he forgets about me and uses my body for his own pleasure. Those rare moments when he loses himself and does things to me born of that deep animalistic desire that is purely for his benefit. Those are the moments I think about later. Those are the moments when I am able to lose myself, too. 

And those are the reasons I still fake it sometimes. Because I don't want to take that away from him (or me), I don't want more focus on the "recipe", I don't want to drudge up my own 15 years of baggage and go through all of the tricks I've already tried and relive that again. I am at peace, I want him to be at peace. 

But - I do feel guilt for keeping this secret, and I do realize that I am robbing him of the chance to make this issue his dealbreaker. If he felt it was so important to him that he'd leave me over it, he is being held unfairly by me. I teeter between continuing with the status quo and coming clean every so often. Right now status quo wins. However, my perspective of your wife is - wow, good for her for being honest! I know that's kind of fvcked up but she is being vulnerable with you, which is more than I can say for myself. 

So I will come back to my original question: What do you want your wife to do? If there are specific steps you want her to take to attempt to fix this, tell her. As I said before, you are allowed to feel hurt and angry over this. I am just trying to warn you to pick a path that has real action items with real solutions...giving her specific requests, and deciding to leave are two action items. Forever mourning something that may never happen is not going to make either of you happy.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I stand by my statements whether they are insensitive or not.


I do apologize for calling them insensitive. In hindsight, my issue was that it seemed to ignore his feelings and pain. In bringing that up, I missed your point of showing him what his wife may be feeling.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> (For the younger crowd, radios used to come with antenaes -telescoping metal rods that you could move about to find the best radio wave reception- the only plug was to to into the wall, the only jack was for headphones, there was no jack for iPods.)


Oh dear, that makes me feel old.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Sex is more than just the mechanics- it is a dance of social stature. Its a conveyance of confidence and of roles within the relationship. You expressing concern over her inability to have an orgasm only makes the orgasm more impossible for her to attain- your concern demonstrates a lack of confidence- a lack of confidence in yourself to effect something (in this case her orgasm) in your environment. If you have insecurities in terms of sexual intercourse, as a man you must KEEP IT TO YOURSELF AND NEVER LET HER KNOW. Tell your counselor, tell your priest, tell your buddies, but do NOT tell your wife!

All hope is not lost. The "feeling" of insecurity she senses in you, as most other a feeling, fades with time. The human brain secretes chemicals to feel, but over time it slowly reverts to its equilibrium. This is because feelings are used to motivate ACTION in the moment in order to fascilitate a positive change in one's environment- feelings must be relevant to the current situation, so they are subject to change.

What does this have to do with sex? You must immediately let go of all insecurities and focus on the task at hand- your goal is to have your wife experience a wonderfully crippling orgasm. The kind that leaves her unable to speak or think clearly for 15 minutes. 

First, you must know that in time, the repulsion she feels (but wouldnt dare ever express) towards your insecurity will fade because she loves you- the positives currently outweigh the negatives.

Second, you must understand that you must in a sexual way demonstrate a mastery of yourself.. and her... Two words must dominate your mindset: tension, anticipation. 

The power dynamics of society have changed over time, but human instinct does not evolve as quickly; while women now perform a great deal of the worlds labor, they are still physically attracted to the demonstration of mastery in a man. Sexuality is one way in which she gauges this mastery.

I am hesitant to give specific examples lest I be banned, but anticipation and tension must drip from every pore of your relationship with her. When you go down on her, dont go straight for the clit.. focus on everywhere but the clit. Focus on her thighs right by her area (and the joint of the thigh with the area- a big turn on for many women).. focus on the patch of hair above her area.. keep her WANTING (read: feeling) you to go there, but keeping it just barely out of her grasp. When she puts the moves on you for sex, rather than acting all enthusiastic and engaging her, instead ask "whats in it for me?" with a deviant smile. When your walking to the house from the car tell her "15 seconds from entering the bedroom Ill be inside of you" and then take your time. Poke fun at something she said, but do so with a smile that shows your confidence and lack of judgement at the same time. I could list thousands of ways, but you know them already- you just have to think confidence, anticipation, and tension. 

Be patient. It wont happen right away, especially if she suspects youre trying for it. Remember: ****y smile, unaffected confidence, anticipation, tension. These things will show her that you are a MAN who has control, and that is when a woman lets her orgasm go (to increase the chance of conception with the alpha male). It might take a year considering youve expressed insecurity already! Once it starts however, it will become easier and easier.

Good luck brotha! :smthumbup:


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

kag123 said:


> This is why I still fake O's with my husband and why I will probably never completely drop that behavior. I know that his response would be exactly like yours. There's no way I would be able to deal with it.
> 
> I know it sounds trite but the only thing you do have control over is what you choose to focus on. You can choose to focus on what you do have (an active sex life with a wife that enjoys you), or what you don't have (her O).


wow, this is like the best advice I've ever read on here. I'm almost afraid to read any more posts. alright here it goes...
thanks kag123


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Geeshe G, I can't believe people aren't more understanding.
> 
> How would any woman feel if her man never ejaculated in her presence? If he simply couldn't bring himself to ejaculate no matter what she did? Her confidence in herself as a woman, as a lover...would totally plummet!
> 
> ...


Oh, Anon, always on point. Tough question that shouldn't be a tough question right, I should answer it automatically. Truth is sex really isn't the number one factor in a marriage, as much as I hate to say that as a dude. I do wish sometimes I could have the TAM conversation with her, I think we'd be SOOOO much happier.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

kag123 said:


> So I will come back to my original question: What do you want your wife to do? If there are specific steps you want her to take to attempt to fix this, tell her. As I said before, you are allowed to feel hurt and angry over this. I am just trying to warn you to pick a path that has real action items with real solutions...giving her specific requests, and deciding to leave are two action items. Forever mourning something that may never happen is not going to make either of you happy.


And why not share all my intimate conversations in a public forum?
This all starts with a stop at a restaurant for takeout, when my wife turned to me and said "I've never had an O with you". this was about 2 years ago now. I was floored but I kept my composure.
All the advice above is pretty good. I've tried most of it. But it does read funny when you read it all at once..."Try harder" "Don't try too hard" "Its the most important thing" "it means nothing"...Hilarious.
I have three more additions.

1. To the poster who said I needed to develop and plan and share it with her; I got shot down so fast when I tried that I couldn't believe how badly that went over. like she was "broken" and I was trying to "fix" her, even though i never came close to saying that.
2. There was one other moment of honesty when she said she was concerned about what happened to her body during an O and what i would do if certain things happened, how she would be embarrassed. jease i think I've seen just about everything her body can do after 19 years, not sure why she would get embarrassed now.
3. She has made enough comments about my being inhibited that i get point. she likes to be totally dominated, and its hard to have the intimate moments reference above when taking an active, dominant role. her utopia is being blindfolded and PIA. you'd think i should be jumping for joy on that one.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Gseries said:


> Topic of the big O came up again. W's only concern is feeling bad that I feel bad. I'm feeling bad because she never comes, zero, 99% of the time. Occasionally there's an O, I think, using a vibe. But we can't do that too often because I'm like slamming that thing in fast and hard and she gets sore. TMI. She's happy to have her O's on her own while I'm at work. I think it sucks.


Dude...

#1 Os from PiV is pretty rare. We can get there, but not all the time and it's a lot of work. Sometimes we don't want to do the work, or it's not gonna happen, so oral or fingers or toys do the trick just fine. Or sometimes she just doesn't want an O. As a dude I scratch my head with that one but I accept it.

#2 you don't slam toys in and out generally... clit stimulation is the key for every woman I've been with.

#3 if she's having Os on her own just fine, have her do it for you and you watch. Or have her use your hands her way. You can learn a lot.


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## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Ah but when it comes to sexuality and more specifically women's sexuality normal is everything. The experts simply don't know enough about women's sexuality to create a normal.
> 
> Therefore women have to create their own normal based on what they want and are willing to work toward.
> 
> ...


it sound like you over-think things, keep it simple..


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I honestly don't know if my wife orgasms or not. I've asked her several times, but I get a vague answer.

She once told me she orgasmed only once during her previous 18 year marriage (but he was a cheater, so I'm sure that was a factor).

When I occasionally ask her if she orgasmed, she says "I'm not sure". More often than not, I will just say "are you satisfied?" and she will say "yes". Unless she's lying I have to accept it. 
I'm not going to ask her every time. It would ruin and distract from the love making.

Here's what I do know; I do everything she asks me to do (and she's not shy) and she is very vocal and animated during sex. I really don't think she's faking it. She hasn't been with many men, but maybe she got used to faking with her ex? By every appearance, she loves it and asks for it way more than I do.
She relishes it even more than I do.

So, I just don't worry about it beyond that.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> I honestly don't know if my wife orgasms or not. I've asked her several times, but I get a vague answer.
> 
> She once told me she orgasmed only once during her previous 18 year marriage (but he was a cheater, so I'm sure that was a factor).
> 
> ...


These are some interesting comments. She doesn't know when you ask but your "Here's what I do know" is pretty good and sounds satisfying to both of you.

Regardless of the definition does she end up:
1) Very wet
2) Like jello
3) Sometimes quivering

If you hit some/all of those I would think you are "O'ing" her brains out IMO...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Gseries said:


> Topic of the big O came up again. W's only concern is feeling bad that I feel bad. I'm feeling bad because she never comes, zero, 99% of the time. Occasionally there's an O, I think, using a vibe. But we can't do that too often because I'm like slamming that thing in fast and hard and she gets sore. TMI. She's happy to have her O's on her own while I'm at work. I think it sucks.


My wife has this issue as well. She simply cannot orgasm without stimulating her clit, with finger or vibrator.

So when she wants to get off, she does it or uses the vibrator while I penetrate.

At first I thought it was me/my size or crappy movement from me....but she assured me that's not the case as she have experienced with bigger sizes to no avail.

READ: Ask her to use the vibrator on the clit while you penetrate. 

And don't forget the umbrella.......

:rofl:


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

mpgunner said:


> These are some interesting comments. She doesn't know when you ask but your "Here's what I do know" is pretty good and sounds satisfying to both of you.
> 
> Regardless of the definition does she end up:
> 1) Very wet
> ...


absolutely positively all the above


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

and that's strictly from PIV.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> Oh, Anon, always on point. Tough question that shouldn't be a tough question right, I should answer it automatically. Truth is sex really isn't the number one factor in a marriage, as much as I hate to say that as a dude. I do wish sometimes I could have the TAM conversation with her, I think we'd be SOOOO much happier.


What if...what if you were to feel that during sex, she was worshipping your body, doing things just to please you. That she would say from the beginning, "this is all about you feeling good, not about me." Would that change things for you at all?


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> What if...what if you were to feel that during sex, she was worshipping your body, doing things just to please you. That she would say from the beginning, "this is all about you feeling good, not about me." Would that change things for you at all?


HMMMMMM. You mean like I am doing to her? I guess I never thought that could happen..I thought she was off in never never land, and I was the one worshipping her body, doing things just to please her. AGGGHHH. I don't know how to answer this! I don't do things for my pleasure. My pleasure comes from her pleasure. I suppose I do get quickies, that's her way of giving me pleasure, but I don't think she's worshipping me. One of our last romps was one of the "worst" kind, where I want sex, and she gives it to me even though she doesn't want it, and I KNOW that she isn't into it, but I can't NOT do it because then we always get in a fight, etc. etc.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't understand the answer "I'm not sure.".


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> I don't understand the answer "I'm not sure.".


Neither do I.

that was my point


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

mpgunner said:


> Regardless of the definition does she end up:
> 1) Very wet
> 2) Like jello
> 3) Sometimes quivering
> ...


Not necessarily! Getting wet starts before orgasm, being like jello doesn't mean much and quivering as a tell is dependent upon where the quivering is and it's specific intensity dilation etc. One can quiver and be on the way to orgasm yet lose it before it happens, IMHO.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> HMMMMMM. You mean like I am doing to her? I guess I never thought that could happen..I thought she was off in never never land, and I was the one worshipping her body, doing things just to please her. AGGGHHH. I don't know how to answer this! I don't do things for my pleasure. My pleasure comes from her pleasure. I suppose I do get quickies, that's her way of giving me pleasure, but I don't think she's worshipping me. One of our last romps was one of the "worst" kind, where I want sex, and she gives it to me even though she doesn't want it, and I KNOW that she isn't into it, but I can't NOT do it because then we always get in a fight, etc. etc.


I'm not suggesting you become a lazy lover and allow her to worship you. I'm suggesting you focus yourself on thinking that she IS worshipping you. I'm also suggesting you might want to ask her to give you an occasional encounter that is clearly all about you.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> :wtf:
> 
> As a woman who can easily get off using a vibe in 30 seconds or less :smthumbup:, I can ASSURE you that if you're "slamming that thing *IN* fast and hard, you are *doing it ALL WRONG!!!*
> 
> ...



Very detailed... Thank you


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

convert said:


> Very detailed... Thank you


Lol... TMI?

:lol:


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I cannot "O" with my H present. I can reach "O" but I have to be alone. I have to know he is no where waiting for it to happen. HE cannot know what I am doing. He cannot be in the other room. I guess it is the vulnerability factor. I have not reached that safe place with my H yet. 

I can only get to "O" with the aid of a toy. H and I have used the toy together before and I just don't have the same quality of "O" as when I am alone. If we have sex with no toy present then the possibility for "O" is impossible. 

I have used the toy and allowed my H to watch and having him watch totally kills the "O". So there are 3 options as I see it. (for me)

1. PIV no "O"
2. Toy with clitoral stimulation involving my H only to potentially have an "O", sometimes yes some times NO, In the case of yes, it is the kind of "O" that is for his enjoyment not mine. It happens but it is of very little value to me. 
or 3. ALONE, the sky is the limit. Toy, and what ever it takes with the most wonderful amount of fulfillment available.

I choose the last, though I do allow my H variety option 2. I don;t know why it doesn't happen with him. Or why it does but it is just not as good. Even if I am the one doing it in front of him. I am just not comfortable that way. I don't know why. It's not fair to him, it is not fair to me. But I don't know what to do to change that for us. 

OP - Don't assume your wife does this to be mean or self centered. She may be like me and she doesn't know how or why it works better alone it just does. As much as she wants it to be shared thing, it just isn't.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Still can't drop the O issue*



Big Mama said:


> I cannot "O" with my H present. I can reach "O" but I have to be alone. I have to know he is no where waiting for it to happen. HE cannot know what I am doing. He cannot be in the other room. I guess it is the vulnerability factor. I have not reached that safe place with my H yet.
> 
> I can only get to "O" with the aid of a toy. H and I have used the toy together before and I just don't have the same quality of "O" as when I am alone. If we have sex with no toy present then the possibility for "O" is impossible.
> 
> ...


To me, your situation isn't that strange. 

I thought everyone had better O's alone? It seems common sense that I can make myself feel better than he can since I can feel what I am doing?

I used to think all women had this same difficulty and that all men had an extremely easy time reaching O due to basic anatomy. It made me feel better when I thought I was normal. Once I realized my beliefs were really off base it hit me really hard and I went through a lot trying to fix myself....none of it really changed my predicament. 

I have a vulnerability issue with my H too. It isn't getting fixed anytime soon. 

The intense pressure that men seem to put on getting their women to O...its just too much for me. 

One thing I did do was refrain from using toys and from masturbating at all for awhile to make sure I was giving my sex life 100% of my attention. This happened right around the time I started meds for my anxiety/depression. I used to have a more normal sex drive so abstaining from all of that would create quite a bit of pent up desire. Now I have no drive at all. No desire to masturbate...haven't done it in at least 18mos if not more than that. All of my sexual experience is coming from my H. It does help a little.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

I think failure to O has a lot to do with how comfortable and unpressured the woman feels, as well as how much the man's pride is wrapped up in the woman having an orgasm. 

I have heard from women where they "have" to fake an orgasm or their man will absolutely be down on themselves. This is not attractive to a woman as it indicates that his confidence is tied directly to her, at least sexually, and this compounds the difficulty she has having an orgasm.

Also, if she isnt just relaxed and is trying to force herself towards the orgasm, its not going to work that way.

I also believe that a woman must FEEL sexually to have an orgasm. That is, if she doesnt feel sexy, an orgasm will be harder to attain with a partner. If she's self conscious about a man thinking shes strange for noises she makes or that he might not find her attractive, she will have a harder time reaching an O.

Its a combination of these factors- and individual variation- that determines whether she has an O and how strong the O is. I personally think it is very significantly determined by how her man approaches sex- he must make her comfortable, confident, at ease, but also be all of those things and MORE himself. 

I think technique while important is secondary to the mental mindset present in both lovers.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> OP - Don't assume your wife does this to be mean or self centered. She may be like me and she doesn't know how or why it works better alone it just does. As much as she wants it to be shared thing, it just isn't.


Let's just take it as a given my wife wouldn't do anything to be mean. I'm not convinced that self pleasuring, if it is at a cost to our mutual sexuality, isn't slightly self centered? I'm not a hypocrite I'm guilty of it too sometimes. but I've read so many places that "female masturbation enhances sexuality" and I'm thinking...maybe that isn't true? If woman (my wife) knows she can get off great on her own, what motivation is there to work on it with me? I think that's my biggest misunderstanding here.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Gseries, If I get my fix during the day while my H is at work, or close to the time he gets home, it is very much a benefit for him. I personally like PIV after "O". The fact that I do not have to "O" in order for my H to feel appreciated and I can "O" for me makes things better in the bed room. That seems to be about the only time he comes home and I am practically begging for PIV. And it is a wonderful situation for the both of us. For me there are no further "O"s and that is ok. The PIV is somehow different, in a most likable way. 

I don't know if there is an advantage for you if the wife gets hers before you, but in my household there is a definite benefit.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

:iagree:


OptimisticPessimist said:


> I think failure to O has a lot to do with how comfortable and unpressured the woman feels, as well as how much the man's pride is wrapped up in the woman having an orgasm.
> 
> I have heard from women where they "have" to fake an orgasm or their man will absolutely be down on themselves. This is not attractive to a woman as it indicates that his confidence is tied directly to her, at least sexually, and this compounds the difficulty she has having an orgasm.
> 
> Also, if she isnt just relaxed and is trying to force herself towards the orgasm, its not going to work that way.


I couldn't agree more. If it doesn't happen then somehow my H assumes he is a failure, he cannot make his wife cum. That puts a great amount of pressure on me. Now I have performance anxiety. My enjoyment of sex is about him not me. And that is not how it should be. 

One of the things that has helped tremendously is the egg timer thing. (Check the other thread about egg timers) We set it for 20 min and after 20 min if it has nt happened and there is no way it is going to happen then we stop. It helps me to know that it is not just going to go on and on and on and on. If the "O" was close but now it is faded it is not coming back .

My H doesn't seem to understand that for females "O" s are not always the end result. Some times it is just as pleasant to enjoy the trip there, it is not always the finial destination that is so important .


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Since I'm in the same position as Gseries this is my biggest issue that I cannot understand: What is, for you, a complete sexual experience with your man? Or, if I put it differently, what is for you a natural stopping point in sex?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

If your husband is aware that's what you are doing then no problem.

If you subscribe to the theory that your body is his and vice versa then you can't go wrong.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> Gseries, If I get my fix during the day while my H is at work, or close to the time he gets home, it is very much a benefit for him. I personally like PIV after "O". The fact that I do not have to "O" in order for my H to feel appreciated and I can "O" for me makes things better in the bed room. That seems to be about the only time he comes home and I am practically begging for PIV. And it is a wonderful situation for the both of us. For me there are no further "O"s and that is ok. The PIV is somehow different, in a most likable way.
> 
> I don't know if there is an advantage for you if the wife gets hers before you, but in my household there is a definite benefit.


yes, this is our scenario in a nutshell. this is what she has told me. don't worry about her, because she just enjoys being with me. well mostly anyways. you won't find that written everywhere though...I see a lot of "well, first I make sure my wife gets her O, then I..."
and what about the book..."she comes first"...I didn't read that one, but I assume it isn't titled..."she comes first, in the bathroom alone or at home before her husband gets home, so then they make love and that's ok"
for what its worth "ya'll" have calmed me down. I know I shouldn't fret over this, the point has always been, I do fret over this...
btw I want a cool picture in my icon next to my name


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Gseries,
Just one simple question, and no offense if you choose not to answer it. 

Do you give your W oral sex? How close does that get her to O?

I ask that because, oral plus manual stimulation lets you hit both clit and g spot the same time. 

As for her being self conscious, that's what alcohol is designed for. After she's raptured a few times with 2-3 drinks in her, cut back to 1-2 drinks and then stone cold sober. 

By then she'll be acclimated.....




Gseries said:


> yes, this is our scenario in a nutshell. this is what she has told me. don't worry about her, because she just enjoys being with me. well mostly anyways. you won't find that written everywhere though...I see a lot of "well, first I make sure my wife gets her O, then I..."
> and what about the book..."she comes first"...I didn't read that one, but I assume it isn't titled..."she comes first, in the bathroom alone or at home before her husband gets home, so then they make love and that's ok"
> for what its worth "ya'll" have calmed me down. I know I shouldn't fret over this, the point has always been, I do fret over this...
> btw I want a cool picture in my icon next to my name


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> OptimisticPessimist said:
> 
> 
> > I think failure to O has a lot to do with how comfortable and unpressured the woman feels, as well as how much the man's pride is wrapped up in the woman having an orgasm.
> ...


Yes we do oral. I like giving I don't like receiving. Sorry if that breaks a stereotype.


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

Tmi but if you finger her ,palms up and making the "come hither' motion, that is most likely to bring her to orgasm. It's where the g-spot is and it's an almost instantaneous orgasm!


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

We have been married almost 53 years and I have a simple plan that permits her to orgasm over 99% of the time. The plan???? Listen to her as to what works for her. I told you it was simple! She does not want toys -- only me (kinda makes a guy feel special if not just good.)

Only once in all these years do I remember that she O'ed from piv and once from oral. The current plan just works!

Her pu**y puffs up, her tits get really hard and her body shakes --- sort of like a volcano erupting. It does take a while for her to get there but get there she does; I just love it --- and then it is my turn:smthumbup:

Truth be known, the more she enjoys our "sex time" the more she is willing to engage in it more frequently. Who would have ever dreamed that sex at our age would be soooo great? I am so proud of her.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Soooo, I listen to her saying not bother trying?


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Gseries said:


> 3. She has made enough comments about my being inhibited that i get point. she likes to be totally dominated, and its hard to have the intimate moments reference above when taking an active, dominant role. her utopia is being blindfolded and PIA. you'd think i should be jumping for joy on that one.


How often are you doing this, though? My wife responds a whole lot differently when she is in this type of mood.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gseries said:


> Soooo, I listen to her saying not bother trying?


Yes. If she doesn't want to try for an orgasm you're not going to get her there, so yes, hear what she's saying.

G, if you suspect that your wife likes to be dominated and it turns out that this is true, I feel I should tell you that the lack of domination is working against you if you want her to orgasm. I also feel like you should know that if you appear sexually repressed or even a little passive it will effectively turn her off.

I suggest you have a conversation about her desire for you to be more dominating and see if you can get her to open up about those sexual fantasies. Ask her if she thinks you're sometimes too passive in bed or too passive in initiating sex? If she says yes, then ask her if she would like you to be more dominant about sex. That is a gentle way of opening that door to discussion.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think it's really difficult for men who are more toward the passive to decide to become dominant in bed. Even if they fantasize in that direction acting it out is very difficult.

But it's absolutely true that if you crave a man to be more aggressive and he's somewhat passive or tentative it is a real turn off. 

But even that might not get her to o.

So quite honestly my advice is to accept her at her word and stop worrying about it. In the end her orgasm is her responsibility and if she claims that she's fine without one then beating yourself up or worrying about it or whatever it is that you're doing serves 0 purpose but to make both of you unhappy.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Okay, I will be the first to admit that I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I see one thing in this thread that screams out to me .

It has nothing to do with toys, techniques, positions or any of that. Your wife is uncomfortable with you being there. Find out the truth as to why that is and she'll be Oing all over the place. It's an embarrassment, self consciousness, insecurity, something to do with you. I don't mean you the man but you the observer. She is hung up on you seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling or something. You mentioned (I think I remember) her squirting the one time you got her there. Maybe she's embarrassed by that.

I'm telling you it's something that's taking her comfort level way down when you are there with her. Find out what that is and you've solved your problem. It may be very hard for her to confess but it is something. She may not even be fully aware of it so you may have to dig it out.

Either that or I should be spreading butter somewhere. Good luck.


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## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

She's not likely to cum while you're thrusting without vibrator or manual stimulation. Thrusting does nothing for her, "O" wise. You could slow it down and slowly work your pelvic bone against her clit while inside her and suck on her nipples at the same time. Whisper sweet/dirty things into her ear and kiss her gently. If that doesn't work, read up on oral. There's lots of good info out there. Be slow and patient. Very gentle touching to sensitize her. Work the G and A spots with two fingers while softly stroking her clit with your tongue. Give her time and it will work. Dedicate yourself to learning what gets her off. Make the room comfortable. Soft music and candles. Get romantic. It'll happen and she'll love you more for it. Don't worry about getting yourself off. That'll happen after you've done your part. 

And for what it's worth, my SO and I don't always get off. I usually get her off first, then it's my time, but other times I get her off orally or with my hand or intercourse, and then I don't get off at all. Then there's also times when I selfishly take care of myself first and she doesn't get off, but she's fine with that too. It doesn't have to happen every time for both people. I also like to experiment from time to time and sometimes it's a colossal failure. That's okay, though. There's always next time. 

And stop the hard slamming. That only works in bad porn movies.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm quite late to this party but I'll throw this out there. I was exactly like this with my first hb, and the reason was that our relationship outside the bedroom sucked. We weren't close emotionally, I really didn't feel like he cared that much about me, and in fairness to OP my ex really didn't care if I got off or not as long as he got his so maybe this is a poor example anyway. I just took care of myself when he wasn't around, but I think at a certain point even if he'd wanted to help I just didn't feel close to him and didn't trust him enough to let go in front of him. I have no idea what your marriage is like otherwise so maybe none of this applies.

In contrast, with my current husband I've always felt emotionally close to him and safe with him and my O rate with him has always been over 90%. Now that doesn't mean there isn't some manual stimulation involved because there often is but I honestly can't remember that last time I simply took care of myself without him being there and participating in some way.

What is the rest of your marriage like?


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> Okay, I will be the first to admit that I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I see one thing in this thread that screams out to me .
> 
> It has nothing to do with toys, techniques, positions or any of that. Your wife is uncomfortable with you being there. Find out the truth as to why that is and she'll be Oing all over the place. It's an embarrassment, self consciousness, insecurity, something to do with you. I don't mean you the man but you the observer. She is hung up on you seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling or something. You mentioned (I think I remember) her squirting the one time you got her there. Maybe she's embarrassed by that.
> 
> ...


I have to agree with this reply. I had a partner that used to talk about his ex girlfriends while we were in bed! Even worse, he imitated the sounds one of them made while they were having sex. My comfort level with him went way down, and I found that I wasn't orgasmic with him. I was secretly afraid that if we broke up he would be lying in bed with the next woman, still clueless and talking about _me_ that way. So what I'm saying is that maybe your wife isn't comfortable really letting loose in front of you, for some reason, like NoChoice said.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I'm her husband. She should be relaxed. I'd do anything for her, and never consider ridiculing her. Besides, I've had hundreds of orgasms in front of her. Why the double standard?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What should be isn't. 

That's the reality that you live in. 

the both of you have to deal with it.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> What should be isn't.
> 
> That's the reality that you live in.
> 
> the both of you have to deal with it.


You're right Gseries, you are her H and she should be comfortable with you but as clipclop said she's not. If you refuse to acknowledge it because you feel her comfort should be a "given", then the problem never goes away.

If I were you I would look at this as a very fixable problem unlike many others. Your assumption that she should be comfortable with you is a reasonable expectation but it's not the reality of it. If you're willing to put forth the effort to find out what's causing her discomfort I am convinced she'll be Oing every time.

That is what you said you wanted so work with her and find the "issue" and see if things do not change significantly. If it's that bad solicit the help of a professional therapist. Also, don't take it personally, as in your the problem. There is something in her psyche that she is perceiving wrong or sensing wrong and when you find it you can fix it. Good luck


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