# Wife Constantly Complaining, Being Negative!



## ptomczyk11

Hi,

Lately, I just haven't been up for tolerating my wife's complaining and negative outlook on everything. 

When I first met my wife, one of the things that I loved about her is how she was always in a good mood, loved hearing her laugh, and was always up to try new things with a smile on her face. However, the longer I'm with her the more it seems like she shielded me from her complaining / negative side because the relationship was still new; and most likely, if she acted like this from the start I would have never stayed with her. 

Anyway, the complaining / negativity isn't always about me; of course, there are things that she does complain about me but I feel like that's normal with any relationship. 

When she first started being more open with me, the complaining / negativity didn't bother me because as a husband it felt good to listen to her and say things to make her feel better, but as more time goes on I'm just getting tired of hearing the same complaints / negativity all the time.

I see now we are very different in the way we view things; I'm very optimistic, try to be in a good mood, and if things don't go my way I can't change them so I just try to make the best out of a bad situation. I'm very blessed for the life I have and I know there are a lot of people out there that have it worse; so I'm grateful for what I have today.

However, my wife is very different; just to give you an overview of things that I constantly hear.



> - She complains about being tired.
> 
> - She complains about her back hurting her all the time but she still keeps on working out.
> 
> - She complains about work.
> 
> - She complains about being fat and eating unhealthy; when both statements are un-true.
> 
> - She complains about having to cook dinner and clean the house.
> 
> - She complains about having to hang out with her family and says she doesn't want to do it but then puts on a happy face in front of them.
> 
> - When things don't go right, she always says "*of course this would happen to me, god hates me*".
> 
> - We have a tight financial budget; but she spends money on things that we really don't need, and then complains about having no money.
> 
> - She complains about hanging out with her friends and not wanting to do it but then puts on a happy face when in front of them.
> 
> - She complains about doing things for other people, and then complains that she hates how they never do anything for her in return but is always doing things for them.
> 
> - I tend to like the lights on brighter than her and she prefers them dimmer; so when I get home before her I put the lights the way I like them. Then she gets home and when she's ready to sit on the couch she will say "*why do you do things that I don't like*". Like the way she likes the lights is the appropriate way and my way is wrong; it's not like when I come home from work after her I brighten up all the lights and say the same thing to her.
> 
> - She complains about always being busy and not having any time for herself (which is not true, there are plenty of weekends where we do nothing but sit around the house).
> 
> - I like doing things for other people (friend/family) and she will say I don't like how they take advantage of you like that; however, I don't see it like that and I enjoy doing things like this for other people.


I just been having a hard time lately with all this, I try to be the good husband by listening and making her feel better by saying all the right things. I want to be the husband she can talk to about anything but lately it just feels like I'm the "*dump guy*" in hearing about all her complaints / negativity. And I hate it when her family comes over or when we hang out with her friends she's happy go lucky but 10 minutes before she wanted nothing to do with them. I also tell her if she doesn't want to help her friend/family then don't do it; instead of complaining to me about it. My way of thinking is if you don't genuinely want to do it, then why go through it - I don't understand why she puts herself in these situations then complains about them all the time.

I rarely complain about anything unless I need to get it off my chest. I want to have a more positive outlook on life and I don't wa*nt to make the times I spend with my wife being about complaining about things all the time. In the past I've told her to try to see the positive in things and she will say to me "yeah, yeah, I know I complain all the time*".

I don't know what to do, *am I the bad husband for not being able to listen to all my wife's complaints / negativity?* If she wasn't my wife, I would probably not be friends with her; I don't think it's healthy to be around people that are always complaining and have a negative outlook on life.

I just feel like telling her; stop complaining about everything and having such a bad outlook on your life but I know this will cause a fight that I want to avoid. However, she would probably stop complaining and being negative around me because of this but it will be because she will say "*this is why I can never talk to you about things*". But I feel complaining and being negative all the time is a lot different than actually talking about something.

I feel like that same *filter* she uses for her family and friends should apply to me as well, even if I'm her husband, I don't want to be the one that constantly hears about her complaining and negativity.

*Am I in the wrong here? Should I be tolerating all this complaining and negativity from my wife?*


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## Lostme

Oh boy I admit I complain about some things we all do, but that does seem extreme. To even complain about the light settings instead of asking you, if you mind if she turns them down.

Could there be a bigger issue that could be making her complain about the little things?

She sounds like an unhappy person, putting on a fake front for everyone and then you deal with the aftermath. I know you don't want to fight with her, but the only way you are going to get her to stop is by telling her how you feel. Maybe record her when she is doing all that complaining and then have her sit down and listen to how she sounds, might be one way.


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## Hopeful Cynic

I'd go a step beyond and suggest that maybe she needs to see a medical professional about possible depression. The fact that she's being honest with you about her feelings instead of putting on the fake happy face that she does for other people is a sign of how comfortable she is with you and how much she trusts you.

If it is depression though, the way to help her is not to complain to her about her own negativity or she'll stop feeling she can trust you.

If she starts 'filtering' for you as well, you'll know you've lost her trust.

Meanwhile, just go at her with positive reinforcement. If she says something positive or optimistic, respond with enthusiasm. If she says something negative or critical, be momentarily sympathetic then just shrug and move the subject along. Commiserating with her pessimism will feed the beast.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I'd look into depression as well
Also- Are you doing your part around the house? She's complaining about work and having to cook and clean, so you do 50% of the work around the house, errands, planning?

Sometimes when I feel like I have too much on my plate everything is a mess and I'm annoyed at everything. Sometimes I also feel like I am always giving- at work, with family, at home- and never getting, it's exhausting and being that a big EN for me is acts of service, not getting them feels very unloving. Is AoS an emotional need for her? If so, doing little things to help her day will go a long way. 

Time to herself doesn't always mean sitting at home with you doing nothing. Are there kids at home?
Do you guys do date nights? Does she do anything relaxing just for herself like get her hair done or get a massage?


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## New_Beginnings

Sounds like unhappiness and or depression by being disinterested in many things and extremely negative. The wanting to withdraw from friends and or family is also a big indicator. Has her schedule changed in any kind of way? Did she use to enjoy family events and hanging her friends? If so, how long ago did this change occur?


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## EnigmaGirl

My husband and I are both on our second marriage and both of our ex's were the same way your wife.

My husband's ex literally has a permanent frown on her face. When you see her, the corners of her mouth are turned down into a frowny face all the time and she'll say cryptic things all the time about "hoping the lord takes her in her sleep."

My ex was one of those people that could find a bad side to even the best news. If he had won the lottery, he would have complained about the people calling him for money. He complained about EVERYTHING and was always angry and miserable.

I spend years first reacting to his moods...then trying to fix his moods...then I gave up. He was miserable and negative...I wasn't. I'm always happy...I wake up that way. If something happens, I figure a way out of it that always goes smoother than I planned and I move on.

I live for peace and quiet and like to laugh. I don't need to make my life more exciting by ramping up drama over nothing.

In my opinion, this is a type of personality flaw that you aren't going to fix and its going to get progressively worse. And the problem with people like this is that the more you try to counter it, the worse she gets...especially if you give her attention. Because she needs the noise it creates...it stops her from feeling empty.

My husband could tell you stories about his ex who was like this for hours...and she's gotten worse and worse. So has my ex.

I don't need to tell you what our solution was.

I think you guys have a major personality incompatibility that you're going to increasingly have trouble dealing with. She's a classic pessimist...that's not fixable...its who she is.


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## Absurdist

And based on your prior threads, this is the wife that demands that you be affectionate but doesn't want to have sex.

So to summarize, you're married to a complaining, glass half full, pessimist who doesn't want sex. She does want you to lavish the affection on her even with all her crappy negativism.

You have no kids... Why do you want to remain married to this person?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abroadintheuk

I have a friend like this who is driving everyone crazy. She constantly puts herself in these states of anxiety for no reason and then complains about everything. She treats her husband like complete crap, especially in front of other people. And he is the most calm, laid back person ever. She will yell at him, get extremely jealous and humiliate him in front of us. She complains about him not doing things, yet he literally does everything for her. I helped them move and she sat and ordered him what to pack and where and then where to stack boxes, yelling at him the whole time, while sitting on her ass complaining that this "move" was too stressful for her. She will then talk about her "depression," her "anxiety," "I used to self-harm." They just moved in with their friend and she is now treating this friend the same, to the point where he threatened eviction. She complains about how fat she is yet will house a 22 oz. steak in one sitting on the couch and then lay in bed all afternoon and night. I've tried to convince her to go to a therapist, but she refuses. I've always tried to educate her on "positive thinking" and how being negative all of the time just creates negativity. And she got mad at me. No one wants to hang out with her, but the problem is we love her husband and she won't let him go anywhere without her. Now she wants to have a baby, and I am completely against it. I tried to mind my business before but now me and my hubby are trying to get alone time to discuss our concerns with her husband. Particularly about the quality of the life of their future child, and how I would bet every penny I own that they will be divorced within a year if they have a child. She actually told him that if she doesn't have a baby by the time she is a certain age "she will never forgive him." I think he is being abused and I think he is afraid to put his foot down and be stern with her and stand up for himself in the chance she pulls the "self-harm" or "victim" thing. I actually work in psych and I can tell this is all bull. She just wants to be lazy, wants what she wants immediately and doesn't give a crap about anything else. (Which in itself, yes, could be considered a mental health issue), but everyone is sick of her playing the victim and bringing up things as excuses, especially when she makes no effort to better her life or to stop treating people around her like crap. At this point, from working in the field so long, I want to be brutally honest with him and tell him to run, as fast as he can, hopefully to a cheap lawyer and get the hell out of that marriage. Unfortunately, I agree with other replies. People like this should not be in relationships and if the personalities differ that much, it needs to end. People like this have very little emotional intelligence and maturity, and unfortunately, that can only be fixed with self-awareness and YEARS of therapy.


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## Ms. Hawaii




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## cc48kel

My husband complains and is very negative!! It has put me in a bad mood so watch out for that!! 

I really try not to let it affect me especially since kids are around; I want them to see that life is good and no need to complain. Not get me wrong, I have my moments but his are constant!! I know he is miserable and unhappy BUT won't see a therapist or do anything else so I continue on with what's going on. I do journal so when he tries to blame me for something (another complaint) I have it on paper. Yes, I should record it.. Actually, kids have on their phones when they are out in public and spouse doesn't get his way. Then he complains that I have turned kids against him-- not true because they are old enough to see what's going on. The last year I have put my foot down and not tolerating this.. If he wants to be a miserable and grumpy person, I don't want to be around him.. When I go out with friends and he complains, I remind him that I need to be around happy people.

He'll complain that he got jipped on a meal that he paid for, lawn service didn't do a good job, I don't have dishes done, I wrote a check out instead of using CC, his leg hurting, X-mas lights are on too long, his teeth, sports schedules for the kids- their coaches not doing something, traffic, me driving the speed limit, the dentist over charges, cat food is too expensive, I spend too much $$$ on food but when I don't cook he complains, It goes on and on to which I ignore.

Just be careful-- you don't want to get stressed out and developed high blood pressure. I would make an appt with marriage counseling-- get this out in the open and nip it in the bud NOW!!


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## cc48kel

EnigmaGirl said:


> My ex was one of those people that could find a bad side to even the best news. If he had won the lottery, he would have complained about the people calling him for money. He complained about EVERYTHING and was always angry and miserable.
> 
> I spend years first reacting to his moods...then trying to fix his moods...then I gave up. He was miserable and negative...I wasn't. I'm always happy...I wake up that way. If something happens, I figure a way out of it that always goes smoother than I planned and I move on.
> 
> I live for peace and quiet and like to laugh. I don't need to make my life more exciting by ramping up drama over nothing


This sounds exactly like my spouse and after 18 years, it has gotten worse!! The day could be great but he has a way to find the bad in it.


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## farsidejunky

Zombie. Closing. 

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