# Facebook question



## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

This isn't so much a question as it relates to me - Facebook had absolutely nothing to do with my husband's affair - so much as it is pure curiosity. 

Do you think networking sites (like Facebook, twitter, or even Myspace) contribute to the percentage of affairs that happen? If so, how?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

hoping4love said:


> Do you think networking sites (like Facebook, twitter, or even Myspace) contribute to the percentage of affairs that happen? If so, how?



I think they do to a degree, just because they make it easier to start an affair.

I don`t really "Facebook" but I have an account for business reasons and I now use it to keep an eye on what my kids doing on FB.

When I first got it for business I was contacted by a couple old girlfriends within the first month.

Women I would have never seen or heard from again if I hadn't had a FB account.

I don't blame FB for affairs though people are going to be people everything else is just a tool for their use.


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

Well said, Tacoma. I couldn't agree with you more!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Considering there is a website called facebookcheating.com I would say yes.

Logically speaking, simply being able to be in contact with anyone who has a profile, that's all it takes is that one little step. Tell me you never Googled a high school boyfriend/girlfriend. I would dare say that most people have. Even if they don't do anything with what they find, there will always be that curiosity. It turns bad when someone with a broken moral compass does it.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

It was used but I don't blame Facebook. It was just a tool, just like her car , her credit cards and cell phone.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Even if they don't do anything with what they find, there will always be that curiosity. It turns bad when someone with a broken moral compass does it.


Oh, it's happened WAY too many times to people that had moral compasses that couldn't be used as airplane propellers.....until they let that curiosity get the better of them.

It's that first step onto the slippery slope...that choice. 

Once you take it.....


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## TomorrowNeverKnows (Jan 27, 2012)

Absolutely it does. People can flirt and carry on for weeks and months without any obvious signs of communication. You don't need to slip away in the night or take a secretive phone call in another part of the house. It can slide right in with your normal e-mail / online routine.

Also on Facebook it is the easy to create a fake version of you. Choose your best pictures, highlights moments that project a false image of who you really are. I'm sexy, mysterious, interesting etc... Teenagers are obsessed with their FB image and I'm sure grown adults looking for an EA exhibit the same exact behavior.

In some ways though I think it is a blessing in disguise. It's the hard cold truth but a lot of people are unhappy in their relationships. Facebook, porn, instant messaging, those are neutral objects. They are possible because of FANTASTIC technologies actually. What we choose to do with them does not define what they are, it defines WHO WE ARE.

I've always noted that celebrities, the rich, and the "beautiful" people cheated at a much higher rate that the general populace. It's not like they are wired any different. They just had easier access to act on their impulses. In a way, FB, cell phones, etc.. have brought infidelity to the masses. Now the average housewife or working stiff can cheat just as easily as the stars...

When I look at the infidelity rates of politicians, famous athletes, movie stars etc... it reveals what most people can really be like given access. If I had to guess I'd say slightly more than 50% of people would cheat under those circumstances. So is it better to find out you are married to a potential cheater or would you rather lock down technology and access to temptation and live a lie?


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

hoping4love said:


> This isn't so much a question as it relates to me - Facebook had absolutely nothing to do with my husband's affair - so much as it is pure curiosity.
> 
> Do you think networking sites (like Facebook, twitter, or even Myspace) contribute to the percentage of affairs that happen? If so, how?
> 
> ...


Absolutely, social networking contributes to affairs. It's one more opportunity for people to hook up. I've lost track of how many posters are dealing with affairs after the affairees found each other again on Facebook. And these are people who are in their middle ages who are hooking up with people they dated in high school. WHAT??? 

Facebook would like us to think that it's just a 'nice, wholesome way to blog' to friends and family, but it's not. The Facebook 'corporation' works overtime to connect people because it makes them money in advertising. To their gain, to Facebookers loss. Facebook doesn't care about your family or your blogging: they exist to sell you merchandise.

I quit FB four years ago because I went online to my FB site and suddenly found that FB had made all of my photos public, after I'd made them private. I was done after that. I didn't need to have my personal stuff made available for the whole world to see - and make no mistake: the WHOLE WORLD can see your personal business on FB. forever and ever, in order to satisfy FB's greed for additional revenue opportunities. 

And I haven't missed it for a minute.  

And no, none of my pictures were interesting in any way - no skin, LOL! Although I was caught drinking wine in a few of them - for shame! :rofl:


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

Ok, well, to those who haven't already answered. Is this really Facebook's fault? 

I mean, the way I see it, a cheater that cheats for cheating's sake will utilize whatever tools are available to them, whether Facebook exists or not.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Of course it's not Facebook's fault. It's the person behind the keyboard's fault. Period.

You can't stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can make sure it doesn't build a nest in your hair.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

hoping4love said:


> Ok, well, to those who haven't already answered. Is this really Facebook's fault?
> 
> I mean, the way I see it, a cheater that cheats for cheating's sake will utilize whatever tools are available to them, whether Facebook exists or not.


Without Facebook, I'd probably still be married. She might've cheated eventually but FB sped up the process because it made it possible for an old boyfriend to contact my ex.

What used to take a great deal of digging, now only takes a few seconds.

The only reason I still have a FB account is to keep an eye on my kids.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

hoping4love said:


> Ok, well, to those who haven't already answered. Is this really Facebook's fault?
> 
> I mean, the way I see it, a cheater that cheats for cheating's sake will utilize whatever tools are available to them, whether Facebook exists or not.


Exactly, it`s not the technologies fault it makes things easier in negative as well as positive ways.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

My DS would have cheated without Facebook. Her POSOM was a student, they were together all the time and she had epically horrible boundaries and a unconscious(?) lust for this guy for a long while. They did use FB to communicate a LOT more than was strictly necessary prior to the affair, although to be fair she did that with many of her students male and female. Very, very unprofessional. 

Facebook was instrumental in her getting caught, at least the first time. That was the main way she could communicate with her POSOM since we were out of town and she could FB message on her laptop, even while I was in the same room or at her job. 10k messages, many forever etched into my mind. 

Facebook lends its own unique flavor to the world of affairs, there's no doubt about it.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Social networking and texting absolutely increase the opportunities to start an affair. It is easy and virtually risk-free. This opens up infidelity to many people who would shy away from a face to face flirt.

My stbxw is a classic example. Started out with an innocent text. Became a gmail EA. Morphed into sexting. Then became a PA. We're now separated and you don't want to know what she's now doing with the POSOM. And it all began with social networking.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

It is a tool, nothing more. If it were Facebook's fault, then it would be AT&T's fault, or Sprint, or Verizon, or any other wireless provider. Or gmail, yahoo, hotmail, etc. Or, it would be the fault of the game developers (MMORPG come to mind). It isn't the fault of the tool that was used. It is the fault of the person using the tool. Plain and simple.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I think that it helps speed up the process and open oppurtunities that might have not been there otherwise, but it is not to blame.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I don't know if anybody was blaming the technology for cheating. The technology just allows cheating to be more widespread. eg - a shy person who would want to cheat but would never venture to flirt face to face NOW can easily send a text without a lot of fear.

Here's an analogy: A bad carpenter doesn't blame the tools. But a nailgun lets him screw up a lot faster and easier.

The propensity to cheat MUST exist. The technology just allows this propensity to be acted out.


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## Eros Turannos (Feb 4, 2013)

I know that FB enabled me in my EA when I was with my ex-boyfriend.. I should write out that story sometime, as it's not what brought me here, but being here has given me MUCH more insight to it all. Honestly, if it wasn't for FB I doubt I would have cheated, but I would have ended the relationship, so, there you go. I wasn't in a place where I could bring myself to have a PA, and I didn't even know I was vulnerable to such a thing when my ex contacted me (this was via phone, but it went to strictly FB after that initial call). Heck, it took me years after breaking up with my boyfriend and since even marrying my husband before I even realized I really had indeed cheated. I thought since there was no physical contact that I wasn't doing anything wrong. What goes around comes around I guess. Maybe I should go post in the karma thread. Anyway, I don't want to hijack the thread so ignore me if I am, but what are your thoughts on sites that are dedicated to enabling cheating specifically? Are those in a different class of blame or are they just the same?


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## hoping4love (Jan 14, 2013)

Eros Turannos said:


> Anyway, I don't want to hijack the thread so ignore me if I am, but what are your thoughts on sites that are dedicated to enabling cheating specifically? Are those in a different class of blame or are they just the same?


I am of the opinion that they are different, but the same. Those are a double-edged sword. Not only do they promote and glamorize an affair - they provide the necessary means of securing it. I still feel, though, that it is just a tool. A highly evolved tool, but a tool, nonetheless. I think that someone who is not truly looking to cheat will never find themselves at those sites. If there is one thing I have seen more often than not is that cheaters often find themselves as victims of circumstance - not someone looking for it. Victim is not really the word I would like to use - I just don't know how else to explain it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I have a love/hate perspective about Facebook though I've never had a page for myself.

There's no doubt Facebook gave my WW and POSOM expanded avenues to communicate and they used it to full advantage for almost two years. Sex talk, love talk, arranging meeting times, the POSOM disparaging me and bragging about his conquest, WW complaining about me. It was also much easier for WW to hide her activity just by clicking on the screen if I walked in, as apposed to texting. 

But, since Facebook was obliging enough to send a copy of all his PM's to her e-mail, I was able to collect almost 4000 FB messages from him to her, after I recovered her deleted e-mails - since she deleted her Facebook threads. I wouldn't have found out about her PA without them and I now have permanent documentation to use as I see fit. 

I can only wonder how many cheating spouses have been caught by using Facebook.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Seeing how my EA started and was conducted primarily via Facebook obviously my vote is a resounding YES!! Mine would never have happened if not for facebook. I don't blame facebook, as has been said it was a tool and I'm the one who made the decisions but were it not for facebook I would never have reconnected with that old GF.


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## chitown75 (Feb 4, 2013)

New here. I don't think FB is the blame, it's technology that enables families and friends easier ways to keep in contact and share. However, It does open the door for WS to cheat online without the BS knowing. My situation is my WW is in an EA using a second, hidden FB account. She's created a whole new self, single, no children. I don't even think anyone in her family knows about it. We have been married 2 1/2 years and have a 4 y/o. She doesn't have a clue that I know her secret yet, but that's a separate story, you can search for the thread if you want. But FB has given her the chance to have a separate, fantasy life and ultimately profess love with the OM without my knowledge, until yesterday. Now of course, she's lying to this OM and me at the same time, but those are issues she's gonna have to deal with when exposure time comes. For me, I just sit back and gather my evidence silently until my legal matters are in place.

FB is just one of the many ways a WS can cheat if they want. And if they are tech savvy, it's even harder to catch them.


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## AshS (Jan 11, 2013)

I wouldn't blame Facebook for helping cheaters because that is not what the site was intended for. A site like ****** ******* I would definitely blame but if someone is going to cheat they will find their way.

In my situation I am grateful for Facebook. My stbxh does not have an account but OW does. She friended me & I NEVER had excepted someone that I didn't personally know but I recognized her first name (stbxh's new co-worker) & saw we had a mutual friend (another co-worker) so I excepted & I'm so glad I did. I had a bad feeling about her & at first when I went through her profile I assured myself that I had to be wrong (she was unattractive, married, had kids) but I ended up being right. If she never friended me I might not have found out, sure I later found evidence (receipts for hotels & jewelry) & I had my gut feeling that something was up but if stbxh would have gotten me to agree to a seperation he could have carried on with her & I wouldn't have been any wiser. She over posted so I knew her address, her H's info, she even switched her status to seperated on the same day my H mentioned seperation to me which was way to coincidental for me. Without Facebook I wouldn't have even known her last name. At first I thought she friended me so that I would let my guard down & she could check out pictures of our family. After I kicked stbxh out & I started looking in to things more (H was renewing things that I don't think he would renew if he intended to truly get a D) I think she Facebook'd me with the intention of "if he doesn't leave his wife for me I'll let her catch on to our A" & that's what happened.

So although Facebook has contributed to a large amount of affairs I know it has probably also lead a large number d-days too.


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## NotSo (Jul 23, 2012)

People who blame Facebook, myspace, etc... for cheating think guns are responsible for people killing others with guns. There was cheating before FB, myspace, etc...there will be cheating after. It just makes it easier.

My W contacted her ex bf on Linked-In; after he accepted her as a contact and said "It's been a long time, how are you" she responded with "Yes it has been a long time, contact me at this email address.....I really dont use this Linked-In thing; I did it just to find you" (smiley face)

She used the social media as a means, if there were no Linked-In, she may still have cheated...but not with him!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

While my STBXW let FB hook her up with men from her past, thus laying waste to our 7-1/2 year marriage, I have never had the need to ever get involved in FB, much unlike my two college age sons.

My Church Education Dept. would love for me to get a page to help expedite lesson plans, communications, et. al., but to their chagrin, I have been more than reluctant to bring myself to comply.

Along with some of you, and despite walking "the straight and narrow," I just don't like the idea of people knowing what's going on in my life, more especially my STBXW. My rationale is that if I could have "friends" of hers tell me what she's posted on there, who's to say that she couldn't do the same thing? Although unlike her, I don't really think that any of the FB information that she would discover about me would prove to yield anything fruitful for her.

Now given that, am I just making a mountain out of a mole hill about this, or are my fears of such seemingly well-founded?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

AshS said:


> I wouldn't blame Facebook for helping cheaters because that is not what the site was intended for; if someone is going to cheat they will find their way.
> 
> So although Facebook has contributed to a large amount of affairs I know it has probably also lead a large number d-days too.


Although Mr. Zuckerberg and his technological friends who founded FB probably did not ever entertain the thought that the creation of their medium would be as prolific to cheaters as it, along with other "copy-cat" sites, has been. I would really think that that was not the original intent for their creation.

Having said that, cheaters are simply going find whatever medium is available to them, albeit letters, telephones, email, et. al. to richly suit the itching in their loins as well as the rampant deception in their heart.

I've have always heard the title of the song "Love Will Find A Way." I really can't help but believe that as long as mankind continues to thrive in this world, cheaters will too!


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Social networking has blurred the lines of what is and isn't appropriate when dealing with the opposite sex. Therefore, people are flirting much more online than they ever would in person. Once the brain chemicals get stimulated by the flirting the risk of pushing the flirting further increases. 

Give yourself boundaries - "If I saw this person in real life would I say this?"

Of course that isn't always going to work. For example, this is a support forum so I've been posting pretty personal stuff that I wouldn't say to strangers in real life. I do feel it's safe here because I announced that I'm happily married and want to make my marriage stronger, this way anyone who sends me email or answers my posts are people looking to help me make my marriage better. A guy isn't going to try and pick me up. But if I went on Facebook, flirted and posted sexy pictures of myself I would encouraging men to interact with me sexually.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I thought FB was great. If I had been watching in real time, I would have seen some 20 something woman all over my (future) fiance's wall trying to make her mark. When I was able to see her wall through his account, I could get an idea of what this woman was like.

Social media is here to stay so anyone who claims they don't use it reminds of those people from the 70s who thought it was so cool to say that they no longer have a TV at home; or those people in the 80s who claim that they couldn't be bothered installing "an answering machine" on their telephone.

Like money, social media is a good servant but a poor master. any of you plan to live without currency, live a life of bartering everything to get your material and other needs met......?

The lesson here is to learn how to use FB to your advantage. I was just on a committee to do table assignments for a formal dinner. the organisation told us that they could not release to us info like age, profession and hometown because that would be a breach of privacy (even though they ask for that info when people join) ........ but we could surf the net and see what we saw of them like through linkedin and FB and anything else that came up.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

YES


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