# Got into a drunken argument and backhanded my bf...now it's over



## Dragonfruitti (Jun 2, 2016)

I messed up and was wondering if there was a way I can fix what I did. I'm assuming this is the right section. 

This happened last Friday and I was very drunk by then; this is really so unlike me. It was totally off my character. To be honest, I don't recall the whole argument but it was something about his past (way before we met) and how we're not spending more time.

At some point, there were a couple exchange of word and I without thinking, I backhanded him in anger. I'm assuming it must have been kind of hard because my hand hurt a bit afterwards. Realizing what happened, I tried to apologized but he broke it off. 

Not just that but now I'm not ever welcomed by his parents. I was closed to them and now they hate me. His mother didn't believe me when I told her I have never done this before, that it was the first time. She kept ranting saying stuff like ''I will come after you if you ever get my son in trouble'' and ''I know your types''.

We're both 19 year-old college students and still live with our parents. Is there a way I can win my bf back and get his parents to like me again. Once again, I was drunk and have never drank like that ever but I'm not an alcoholic nor violent person.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Stop drinking, not slow it down, not only on the weekends... stop.

You seriously damaged the trust that someone had in you and you will have to accept the simplicity that there are some things you will not be able to repair.

It is a hard lesson, all you can do is use the present well and place your remorse in your deed to make sure you are never in a place to hurt another like that again.

***additional thoughts***

Having never having done that before is not an acceptable reason for doing what you did, no matter how framed. Your mistake should guide, not define you, but for them you may have defined yourself. This is not in your control anymore.

The disappointment in his parents eyes are coming out in anger with you, and understandably so, you will have to respect the hurt they feel and how that has been caused by striking their son.

Forgiveness may come, but you will have to accept it will be on their schedule, not yours.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You may have lost your boyfriend. Which is very sad.

However you have the opportunity to use this as a teaching moment for yourself.

You know that you are capable of violence when very drunk. So moderate your alcohol intake.

You might be able to get him back though his parents will never trust you again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It is best to let him go. He may be able to forgive you, but there is no reason for him to try to repair the relationship. 
You now know that you are a violent drunk. Never get drunk again. You are dangerous when drunk.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He's 19 yrs old. How much of a past can he have? Looks like you are now part of that past. Learn your lesson.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Dragonfruitti said:


> Once again, I was drunk and have never drank like that ever but I'm not an alcoholic nor violent person.


That's basically one of the standard answers of people who hit their partner the first time. Deep down you know it's BS.

He does not want to be hit, his parents do not want him to be hit and I would assume your parents would not want you to be hit by someone either. Perfectly healthy reaction to what you did.

Don't get drunk any more, leave him alone and try therapy or anger management so you can be a better person for your next partner.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

No excuse for what you did honey. Absolutely none. Completely and utterly unacceptable. If you were a male who hit a female, people would be gunning for you.

Alcohol doesn't change people. It simply lowers inhibitions, and the real person comes out. You may want to get some help as to why you did what you did. 

And stop drinking. Don't moderate it, don't cut it down. JUST STOP.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The best you can hope for out of this is to learn some life lessons out of this. 

Obviously you are not a happy drunk. 
When frustrated you react with violence.
Maturity teaches you the past is the past, every person you meet will have a past, except that.
Learn basic conflict resolution, it's a skill you will need your entire life.
Drunk or sober you are ALWAYS responsible for your actions.

Your boyfriend is gone, there's no reason his parents will stay in contact with you. 

You're a kid, kids learn by experience. Hopefully you learned from this and never repeat the behavior again.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

frusdil said:


> *Alcohol doesn't change people. It simply lowers inhibitions, and the real person comes out. * You may want to get some help as to why you did what you did.
> 
> And stop drinking. Don't moderate it, don't cut it down. JUST STOP.


Totally agree with the bolded. And totally agree that you should seek counseling. And avoiding alcohol completely is always wise.

Let this one go. It is not meant to be.

Here is an angle a counselor might suggest you ponder: why would you want to be with someone who brings out the worst in you? Why frustrate yourself that way?


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

I'm less inclined on the view that a drunk person's acts are still a reflection of who they are. 

That being the case, you will never fix the relationship with the parents. You are 19. There are plenty of fish. Time to focus on you for a bit, get yourself under control and move forward with head held high and look back at this as a learning moment.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

one of lifes lessons. treat people how you want to be treated.

go apologize one last time and then move on. remember the lesson and if your ever hit by a lover then take a strong stance and leave. nothing worse than being hit by someone who is suppose to love you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Let him go. And watch how much you drink going forward.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Always be humble and kind. Good lyrics.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He's not obligated to take you back just because you've never done it before. 

I guess you know now that he has a zero tolerance policy.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You are both 19 and both live with your parents. Were you expecting to get married? With what? Trust is earned over a long time but it can be immediately lost. I could join the others and tell you to quit boozing and hitting but whether you are Miss Evil or Miss Perfect, neither of you are independent enough or financially stable enough to be considering a long term relationship. Concentrate on graduating college and becoming an independent adult. You don't yet have the time, the money, the maturity, or apparently, the sobriety, to be in a LTR.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

spinsterdurga said:


> Someone who brings out the worst in her? Wow even when a woman is wrong, you still try to find a way to blame the guy. He didn't bring out the worst in her. She's an abuser who is trying to minimize what she did.
> 
> She needs to stay away from him and get help. It's all on her.


Read the whole quote, spinster.



jld said:


> Totally agree with the bolded. And totally agree that you should seek counseling. And avoiding alcohol completely is always wise.
> 
> Let this one go. It is not meant to be.
> 
> *Here is an angle a counselor might suggest you ponder: *why would you want to be with someone who brings out the worst in you? Why frustrate yourself that way?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

jld said:


> Read the whole quote, spinster.


Sorry but I got the same thing from your post. Jodi Arias would have loved to have you on the jury for her case.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

frusdil said:


> No excuse for what you did honey. Absolutely none. Completely and utterly unacceptable. *If you were a male who hit a female, people would be gunning for you.*
> 
> Alcohol doesn't change people. It simply lowers inhibitions, and the real person comes out. You may want to get some help as to why you did what you did.
> 
> And stop drinking. Don't moderate it, don't cut it down. JUST STOP.


If this was a setup post to show that gender bias and stereotype against men is still just as alive and well as it is against women, the post succeeded in spades.

She is lucky that he is one of those old fashioned guys with outdated sexist notions, or he would have either hit her back, or had her arrested. He should have had her arrested.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

OP you are young so I will come at this a bit more kid gloves than if you were older. You were totally wrong and lucky he didn't call the police because you would have been arrested. Now this guy and his family is smart to distance themselves from you and break things off. Hitting and cheating should always be immediate deal breakers.

Now for you, what are you going to do about this? Are you just walking away or are you going to walk away and fix this issue so it never happens again. Do you have deep seeded anger? Do you need counseling? Maybe you can't handle alcohol and shouldn't drink. So hard to know these answers at 19 but you had been look inward and figure it out. You will never have a healthy loving realtionship unless you can bring that to the table. This realtionship is over and you have been handed agree pass, but you must learn to be better for the next one


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

spinsterdurga said:


> Someone who brings out the worst in her? Wow even when a woman is wrong, you still try to find a way to blame the guy. He didn't bring out the worst in her. She's an abuser who is trying to minimize what she did.
> 
> She needs to stay away from him and get help. It's all on her.


This message is hidden because jld is on your ignore list.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

CynthiaDe said:


> You now know that you are a violent drunk. Never get drunk again. You are dangerous when drunk.


I've known a few violent drunks. One managed to screw up his life bad from it. He was a very nice person sober. He rarely drank. Unfortunately that rare time proved too much one time. I didn't know this about him, and we went to a bar. He ended up fighting, I bailed fast. He was a hell of a fighter and was winning until many cops showed up. 
Turns out this wasn't the first time for him and they threw the book at him.
Don't follow his path.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

spinsterdurga said:


> 1st I read the whole quote. Why do you assume I didn't?
> 
> 2nd you're NOT a counselor, so you have no idea whether a counselor would blame her ex boyfriend. What kind of counselor would blame a victim? Maybe a sexist one?
> 
> 3rd You blame her ex just own up to it. A woman can never be blamed for her actions. It's always the guys fault.


My bad. "Quote the whole quote" is what I should have said.

I think a wise counselor would ask her that. Wise people consider different angles to situations. It hones critical thinking skills.

I don't blame her ex. I do think she is lucky he did not call the police. And I think it wise for the two of them to be, and remain, broken up. They are not bringing out the best in each other.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'll say the same to you that I would say to a man. You got drunk and hit someone you cared for. You must give up drinking completely, forever. Otherwise some day it will be your husband or your child that you hit. 

Whether or not he forgives you is up to him.

btw - giving up alcohol is not that hard. I did it when I was 16 and realized that my mother was an alcoholic and that I had an addictive personality. I haven't had any since.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Violence never solves anything. 
Count this as a life lesson learned as you're only 19 years old. 
Learn how to control your booze intake. 
Nobody wants to hang around a crazy drunken, violent person. 

Learn to talk calmly about issues (sober of course) with the boyfriend or the next one. 
Yeah his mother is not happy you hurt her baby, so if he takes you back, she'll never forget or forgive. 

Why fight about his past? It's in the past. Leave it there. 
Only drunken violent people want to talk about the past, so I don't think this is a one-time time thing here, you will most likely offend again if you get drunk. 

Quit drinking or control your intake. 







Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

jld said:


> I don't blame her ex. I do think she is lucky he did not call the police. And I think it wise for the two of them to be, and remain, broken up. They are not bringing out the best in each other.


OP, for JLD's last sentence to make sense, there would have to be things he did to trigger this, or things he also did that were wrong. And I can't see either of those in what you have told us. The fight was so unimportant that you can't even remember what it was about.

In most long relatioships there are going to be some big disagreements and some deep painful fights. That is not an excuse to hit. Never ever. When you feel rage, you have to manage or channel it.

Not beating up on you, but also not wanting to let you make excuses. You have a problem. Do something about it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Something is missing from this story.

I backhanded him in anger. Goes to:

''I will come after you if you ever get my son in trouble'' and ''I know your types''.

I think there was something in between. I'm withholding comment until the rest of the story comes out. It is possible that OP doesn't know the rest of the story.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Mr. Nail I think what his mother meant is that she knows usually the man is arrested in these situations, "I know your type" meaning I know you'll lie to the police & make out that he is the abuser when it's clearly her who is the violent one. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Dragonfruitti (Jun 2, 2016)

I'm on my break from work at this moment. Thank you for the replies. I'm still reading some and will stop by later. It really sucks that all it takes is one mistake and you lost it all. This is one thing I would have liked to go back in time. I would have stopped at the 2nd drink. 

Even though our relationship lasted 6 months, it felt like one of the closest relationship ever. His parents were like my 2nd family.


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## Dragonfruitti (Jun 2, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @Mr. Nail I think what his mother meant is that she knows usually the man is arrested in these situations, "I know your type" meaning I know you'll lie to the police & make out that he is the abuser when it's clearly her who is the violent one.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


You got it. That's pretty much what she meant. I became the most hated person the day I hit their son. 

I wouldn't have blame him if he were to call the cops (which he didn't) and yes would have been deserved. I did it and would have own up to it. He didn't but I still lost him, lost his parents' respect, lost a family.

Coming back later.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dragonfruitti said:


> I messed up and was wondering if there was a way I can fix what I did. I'm assuming this is the right section.
> 
> This happened last Friday and I was very drunk by then; this is really so unlike me. It was totally off my character. To be honest, I don't recall the whole argument but it was something about his past (way before we met) and how we're not spending more time.
> 
> ...


Let him go. You crossed the line big time and it's over.

Apologize and let him go.

Then stop drinking, and go talk to somebody. This **** is never ok.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Dragonfruitti said:


> I'm on my break from work at this moment. Thank you for the replies. I'm still reading some and will stop by later. It really sucks that all it takes is one mistake and you lost it all. This is one thing I would have liked to go back in time. I would have stopped at the 2nd drink.
> 
> Even though our relationship lasted 6 months, it felt like one of the closest relationship ever. His parents were like my 2nd family.


Are you even allowed to drink where you live, at 19? 

By the way, one mistake ruins a lot of things. How many cheating spouses aren't married anymore because of a drunken 'mistake?'


As for getting him back, guess what: you won't. 

Because his parents have turned him against you, and he lives at home with his parents. 
Now, if he has half a brain, he wouldn't touch you with a 10-foot pole. Because you hit him while drunk. Next time you might call the police, or if you're in public, someone else will call the police. 
That generally means even if you hit him, the police will remove him from the premises. Whether or not he spends the night in jail depends on the mood of the police that night. 

And even if he doesn't have half a brain to know that, his mom does. And she is telling her son that, and scaring him; That you could hit him in the face, scream at him, lie to the police, and he'll be arrested and put in jail and await trail. 
All that will ruin his education because he'll probably get kicked out of school, and this would be a red flag in a background check. 

You won't get this guy back. 

You should spend your time figuring out what led you to hit him, and learn better self-control when drinking. And learning better anger management and self-control would be another good place to start. 

Because any guy in the future, again with half a brain, or who lives with his parents (and they have half a brain), will NEVER return to a girl that hits them.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Dragonfruitti said:


> You got it. That's pretty much what she meant. I became the most hated person the day I hit their son.
> 
> I wouldn't have blame him if he were to call the cops (which he didn't) and yes would have been deserved. I did it and would have own up to it. He didn't but I still lost him, lost his parents' respect, lost a family.
> 
> Coming back later.


No guy calls the cops in this situation. For several reasons. 

People will make fun of us if we call the cops because our girlfriend is hitting us. How weak are we? 
Guys fear the cops won't take them seriously. 
Or they think the cops will show up, the girl will cry, and the guy is the one that gets carted off. Whether it's just away or to jail is up to the cops.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> No guy calls the cops in this situation. For several reasons.
> 
> People will make fun of us if we call the cops because our girlfriend is hitting us. How weak are we?
> Guys fear the cops won't take them seriously.
> Or they think the cops will show up, the girl will cry, and the guy is the one that gets carted off. Whether it's just away or to jail is up to the cops.


An untrue stereotype that is thankfully going away with the younger generation. See they aren't all bad :grin2:

I have arrested plenty of females for domestic violence. And no we don't just arrest guys but, honestly not to derail this threads, it is more often guys are arrested for the physical violence and women more the damage to property and threats. Exceptions to both of course.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm not sure I would care very much if a woman hit me. She's out of her depth. I'd be much more offended and outraged by her words because that's her wheelhouse. That's where the apotheosis of a woman's anger and hatred lives. That's where they keep their sharpest knives. But a smack? I don't really care. I'd probably laugh.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm not sure I would care very much if a woman hit me. She's out of her depth. I'd be much more offended and outraged by her words because that's her wheelhouse. That's where the apotheosis of a woman's anger and hatred lives. That's where they keep their sharpest knives. But a smack? I don't really care. I'd probably laugh.












Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

MrsAldi said:


> @Mr. Nail I think what his mother meant is that she knows usually the man is arrested in these situations, "I know your type" meaning I know you'll lie to the police & make out that he is the abuser when it's clearly her who is the violent one.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


It could go the way you described, or he could make up his mind he doesn't like being a punching bag and hit back.

Either way he's not in the wrong, but the cops often side with the woman regardless.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Strangely similar to another story we had not that long ago.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Something is missing. Second family does not kick you to the curb. Think about it. Something is off. 



Dragonfruitti said:


> Even though our relationship lasted 6 months, it felt like one of the closest relationship ever. His parents were like my 2nd family.


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## SouthernViking (May 7, 2016)

"Got into a drunken argument and backhanded my bf...now it's over"
Yep, that's how it happens. Cause and Affect
Substance abuse is a relationship killer. I'm afraid you'll have to move on from this one. He and his folks will most likely never trust you.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

I am old fashioned. When a girl slaps a guy in anger, I cut her some slack. Generally, guys are built to take that, physically, and it does no real damage. So I think the reaction from some her is over the top. 

Still doesn't make it right, obviously. My wife slapped me once and I never considered calling the police or retaliating.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Tortdog said:


> I am old fashioned. When a girl slaps a guy in anger, I cut her some slack. Generally, guys are built to take that, physically, and it does no real damage. So I think the reaction from some her is over the top.
> 
> Still doesn't make it right, obviously. My wife slapped me once and I never considered calling the police or retaliating.


Old fashion doesn't factor into our laws anymore. You cut the girl some slack for hitting her boyfriend. Would you cut the boyfriend some slack? If not, that's sexist. 


And if a girl hits me, I'll ghost her (never contact her again). Because it's not a matter of whether or not police were called this time. It's a matter of will this continue, and will police get involved in the future? Could be some random people at a bar, my neighbors, who knows. 
Will I be arrested? Again, who knows. 
But it leaves a black mark on my record. 

And I don't want to risk that. Nor will I. One and done.
Sounds like her boyfriend is the same way. And his mom is looking out for him, like a good mother should.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Broken at 20 said:


> Old fashion doesn't factor into our laws anymore. You cut the girl some slack for hitting her boyfriend. Would you cut the boyfriend some slack? If not, that's sexist.
> 
> 
> And if a girl hits me, I'll ghost her (never contact her again). Because it's not a matter of whether or not police were called this time. It's a matter of will this continue, and will police get involved in the future? Could be some random people at a bar, my neighbors, who knows.
> ...


It was always illegal for a woman to slap a man. We just had different views back then. 

And of course it's a sexiest generalization based on the rational view that generally a slap by a woman to a man's face will not do physical harm similar to that of a man's slap to a woman's face. 

Like it or not, there are differences in the genders and I just recognize that reality.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Women are told ...''if a guy hits you once, leave.'' I'd tell a guy the same thing. I'm sure you're remorseful, but if he ended it, I can't say I blame him. Once violence enters into a relationship, it forever changes things. It has changed the way he sees you, now...and his parents, etc. I'd just leave him be, if that is what he is asking from you. And seek some counseling on your own, because these types of things have a way of coming back up again. I'm sorry that you're here, though. ((hug))


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Alcohol doesn't change people. It simply lowers inhibitions, and the real person comes out. You may want to get some help as to why you did what you did.
> 
> And stop drinking. Don't moderate it, don't cut it down. JUST STOP.


I disagree with respect to the effect of alcohol on different people.

My older brother is the kindest and most passive person one could meet. He was bullied in high school and never wanted to fight back.
I had to fight his battles.

That same brother was a little guy who turned into the incredible mini-hulk when he drank..becoming fearless and meaner than a junk yard dog.

In my youth, I was that vicious junk yard dog. But when I drink, I become silly, amorous, passive and soon start to look for a place to crash and fall asleep. Two beers is my limit!

Alcohol is poison for some people.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Dragonfruitti said:


> We're both 19 year-old college students and still live with our parents. Is there a way I can win my bf back and get his parents to like me again. Once again, I was drunk and have never drank like that ever but I'm not an alcoholic nor violent person.


The thing is, you say you're not a violent person, but you just got drunk and backhanded someone. I think you should stay the hell away from alcohol.

As for your ex, you need to respect his wishes and the wishes of his parents and just leave him alone. Take it on the chin, you deserved to be dumped, now pick yourself up and get on with your life.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Tortdog said:


> I am old fashioned. When a girl slaps a guy in anger, I cut her some slack. Generally, guys are built to take that, physically, and it does no real damage. So I think the reaction from some her is over the top.
> 
> Still doesn't make it right, obviously. My wife slapped me once and I never considered calling the police or retaliating.


Because you did not feel threatened. But some men do.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm not sure I would care very much if a woman hit me. She's out of her depth. I'd be much more offended and outraged by her words because that's her wheelhouse. That's where the apotheosis of a woman's anger and hatred lives. That's where they keep their sharpest knives. But a smack? I don't really care. I'd probably laugh.


Women generally are not as physically strong as men. People use whatever tools they have to express themselves. 

An easy way to defuse a woman's anger is to really listen to her concerns. Show empathy.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You need help with your drinking. If you are an angry drunk it is best you do not drink or get to an inebriated state.
What you did is downright disrespectful, in fact it is considered as assault and it is better you forget about dating anyone.
You also have pent up anger. Find out why you have that, why you drink so much and why you think it is ok to give anyone a backhander least of all someone you are in a relationship with.

A counsellor will help you with these issues.

You are very young, now is a good time to work on yourself, sort out your issues, grow as a person that someone else will treasure and want to be around, then look for a relationship!

You have a lot of work to do, and a lot of growing up to do.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jld said:


> Because you did not feel threatened. But some men do.


A single backhand to the face...no I wouldn't feel threatened, but I would be one and done. At that point, I would engage the forward thinking part of my brain and realize that in this specific situation, there was no threat, but down the line, violence, once tolerated the first time does have a tendency to escalate towards a real threat...a knife, gun, frying pan, poison, who knows. Is there a guarantee that it will? No, but no woman is worth that risk.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

jld said:


> Because you did not feel threatened. But some men do.


Completely agree that this is subjective. I only opined as to the norm. 

If a pre-Captain America was backhanded by a 6-5 staff Sargeant girlfriend, it would be quite different.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Tortdog said:


> Completely agree that this is subjective. I only opined as to the norm.
> 
> If a pre-Captain America was backhanded by a 6-5 staff Sargeant girlfriend, it would be quite different.


When the man is small and the woman big, there may indeed be an immediate threat. Or a future one, as with Sam's example.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

jld said:


> When the man is small and the woman big, there may indeed be an immediate threat. Or a future one, as with Sam's example.


We don't know there was any sense of threat.

If a person resorts to disproportionate violence or anger, I tend not to be close to them. I would certainly not date such a person. But it's because I find such behaviour distasteful, not because I feel threatened by it.

That's a personal thing. I have friends who like volatility in their romance. Something about making up after fighting :grin2: :grin2: 

But not me.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

OK,
Thanks for the update. We don't have his side and we won't be getting it. We don't know MIL's back story and that may have something to do with it. And if the altercation took place in public there may have been an interview with a police officer. I had one of those over my neighbors Dog. Still it does let you know pretty quickly how fast you can get into serious trouble. I'm also interested in the legality of drinking at your age in your location.

If he had come here and said My GF and I got into an argument, She Yelled , called me names, and hit me. We would advise him to do what he has done. If he insisted on staying in contact with you some of the advice we would give him would be to put his hands in his pockets every time you start arguing. To seek medical treatment every time you hurt him. To never lie about how he was hurt. Despite the changing times this is a very serious legal situation.

The most important advice you are getting is about your relationship with alcohol. You really should be taking that seriously. @jld 's advice is not directed to you and more to the men. You need to take her signature line with a big pinch of salt (ignore it). That references a special and rare kind of relationship that you should not expect from the average man.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> The most important advice you are getting is about your relationship with alcohol. You really should be taking that seriously. @jld 's advice is not directed to you and more to the men. You need to take her signature line with a big pinch of salt (ignore it). That references a special and rare kind of relationship that you should not expect from the average man.


Hey, OP, you don't want to settle for an average man, do you? You want to hold out for an extraordinary man, right?


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Been married 30 years, had more arguments than I can count. Some very heated some pretty petty. After all is said and done I can honestly say the thought to strike my partner has never occurred to me, its never crossed my mind, never once have I ever thought "man she's pissing me off, she deserves a good smack". I drink (socially), rarely now but in my youth I liked to tie one on with the boys on a semi regular basis. Yes there were times that I was more easily offended by others and more prone to throw a fist in a drunken Bar Brawl at those times but it never occurred to me to ever hit my partner.

You need to look deeper into yourself and find out why , even in a drunken state, that you thought this was a reasonable and justified course of action. Being drunk isn't an excuse. being drunk lowers your inhibitions and will make you act more impulsively on thoughts you"re having but alcohol will not give you those thoughts, only act on thoughts that are already there. So even though you did it when you were drunk it, also suggests that you have the capacity to do it when you're sober.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

jld said:


> Mr. Nail said:
> 
> 
> > The most important advice you are getting is about your relationship with alcohol. You really should be taking that seriously. @jld 's advice is not directed to you and more to the men. You need to take her signature line with a big pinch of salt (ignore it). That references a special and rare kind of relationship that you should not expect from the average man.
> ...



...could interpret that to mean a guy who is ok with being struck by someone who supposedly loves him. Or I guess, a guy who always agrees with her and meets all of her desires, no matter how insane. 

A woman who behaves badly does not usually mean a spouse who is lacking. People need to look in the mirror to figure out their bad behavior.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

jld said:


> Women generally are not as physically strong as men. People use whatever tools they have to express themselves.
> 
> An easy way to defuse a woman's anger is to really listen to her concerns. Show empathy.


Women good....Men bad. You really are a one trick pony.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

jld said:


> T why would you want to be with someone who brings out the worst in you? Why frustrate yourself that way?


Wow.

I sure do hope you are asking for the standpoint of the guy.

Cause if you're blaming the guy - saying it's his fault that she had to hit him - just wow


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

I would like to know what the BF said to cause her to hit him. I slapped my husband across the face once when he accused me of being a sl*t and a f'ing b*tch and of sleeping with his brother, in the heat of an argument, even though he knew d*mn well it wasn't true. He later apologized and said he deserved it. Why did I hit him? Because he was out of control and in my face literally screaming at me and I was honestly afraid of him. Plus his unfounded accusations made me mad as hell! It worked, too. Calmed him right down and took all the fight right out of him. We've never gotten that nasty with each other again and that was 12 years ago.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Honestly he's smart to get away, things will only get worse and 99 times out of 100 the man is going to be arrested and blamed in a domestic violence incident.

I would never stay with a woman who flew off the handle and hit me, because one day I would defend myself even if it's just grabbing her arms so she can't hit me, I'm going to prison and a felon. Not worth the drama at all.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Mommywhatohnothing said:


> I would like to know what the BF said to cause her to hit him.


What a ridiculous double standard...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you're with someone who calls you names and accuses you of sleeping with his brother, time to dump said person. Hitting someone is never justified unless you're in fear of your life, and it's truly self defense. I've dated two guys who screamed at me before nearing my face, in relationships, and I didn't hit them. I left them. There are always better options, but I'm of the opinion that drama seeks drama. There are couples out there, who love fighting, and hitting, and screaming ...it's not healthy. Chris Brown and Rihanna come to mind...supposedly they would hit each other in arguments, and there are just couples who seem to be drawn to those types of relationships. 

OP, I know you're sad about losing him, but this is a blessing in disguise, because you can focus on healing whatever it is you need to heal, so you never act out like that, again. ((hug))


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> Totally agree with the bolded. And totally agree that you should seek counseling. And avoiding alcohol completely is always wise.
> 
> Let this one go. It is not meant to be.
> 
> Here is an angle a counselor might suggest you ponder: why would you want to be with someone who brings out the worst in you? Why frustrate yourself that way?


Oh! I must make a note of this very special point of yours, jld...


It was the male's fault that she physically assaulted him


Got it! We understand where you are coming from, now.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Oh! I must make a note of this very special point of yours, jld...
> 
> 
> It was the male's fault that she physically assaulted him
> ...


Nope.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> Nope.





> why would you want to be with someone who brings out the worst in you?


You made an assumption that it was his fault. That he brought out the worst in her.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

jld said:


> Because you did not feel threatened. But some men do.


Any smart man will feel threatened by the legal system if the cops are called in a domestic violence report .

Any smart guy will feel threatened by a woman who escalates to throwing heavy objects, pointed weapons, firearms, or bludgeoning from behind or when asleep.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Oh! I must make a note of this very special point of yours, jld...
> 
> 
> It was the male's fault that she physically assaulted him
> ...


In the JLD universe, it is ALWAYS the man's fault for EVERYTHING that goes wrong.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

jld said:


> Hey, OP, you don't want to settle for an average man, do you? You want to hold out for an extraordinary man, right?


You've hit your husband, haven't you jld?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Dragonfruitti said:


> I messed up and was wondering if *there was a way I can fix what I did.
> *


Sure you can fix it... what you did,but not necessarily the relationship. It's hard to really look at yourself at 19 years of age. So much drama,social influence and black and white thinking. What happened was wrong,but it's not the end of the world if you learn from it and change. What we learn and accept from life lessons impacts our future selves. Expect more of yourself for your own sake. Be aware.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

jld said:


> Here is an angle a counselor might suggest you ponder: why would you want to be with someone who brings out the worst in you? Why frustrate yourself that way?


That is an excellent question for her to think about.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Mommywhatohnothing said:


> I would like to know what the BF said to cause her to hit him.


Do you ask women who've been raped if they were wearing a short skirt when they were attacked?

Or does your victim blaming only apply to one gender?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I once had a friend who's boyfriend hit her; his mother told her she was bad for her son, she brought out the worst in him. That is the sort of person who raises an abusive person.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Tortdog said:


> I am old fashioned. When a girl slaps a guy in anger, I cut her some slack. Generally, guys are built to take that, physically, and it does no real damage. So I think the reaction from some her is over the top.
> 
> Still doesn't make it right, obviously. My wife slapped me once and I never considered calling the police or retaliating.


I'm old fashioned when it comes to lifting heavy things. Men lifting things is hot. But when it comes to physical violence I believe no one should be hit. I'm not talking about playful hitting. My ex brother in law used to tease me and I would slug him in the arm. This was a game, and done with affection. And I wasn't trying to hurt him or disrespect him. 

But a backhand or a slap done in anger should never be tolerated. No matter what the gender is.

Because, see, I believe a man should never ever hit a woman because typically he is much stronger than her and can cause damage. And I believe a woman should never hit a man, because either he can't defend himself due to similar beliefs or he does hit back and does serious damage. 

I had a male cousin that was regularly hit by his wife. He was a gentle giant, and she was out of control. And the reality was he was stuck. He couldn't hit her back because he believed it was wrong. He tried talking to her about it, but she believed that it was okay because she was a woman. 

It's not okay. 

OP, let your ex boyfriend go. He is doing the right thing for both of you by breaking up with you You crossed a line that should never have been crossed. He has healthy and appropriate boundaries. I can guarantee that if you got back together with him, you would hit him again, because there would have been no consequence. But you know have a shot of changing yourself. Figuring out what made you do that, and changing it, so possibly you won't do it to the next guy you love.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

And just to defend Jld, a little. 

I remember when I was in college, I had a coworker who told me that she used to deliberately provoke her boyfriend into hitting her. She knew what buttons to push, and she pushed them. I never saw these kinds of fights, I'm only saying what she told me. 

So yeah, he's at fault for hitting her, but I could definitely see that being a question asked of him..."why would you go back to someone who brings out the worst in you?" 

Did he still need anger management? Yes he did. But you know, one of my strategies to dealing with negative feelings is to avoid things that I know will make me feel bad.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I would also like to state that I like @jld . I think that there is every possibility that our OP could be looking for that kind of relationship, and it is true she should think carefully about the whole situation. I did, in fact, excuse my wife (fiance' at the time) for hitting me hard enough to bruise me. I was also 19. But in general and mostly for safety's sake, I will not change my advice. Unlike jld we do not allow out of control screaming, yelling, striking, and so on. Mrs. Nail does not have that need to be free to storm. Mr. Nail would not live with that long term. But I do, at least understand it. I'm now much older than 19 and it is much easier to see this.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Since you're dating again, maybe you could meet SMG15 for drinks?

😬


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Haiku said:


> Since you're dating again, maybe you could meet SMG15 for drinks?
> 
> 😬


He doesn't drink alcohol! 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> He doesn't drink alcohol!


It's only important on that date that she does.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Haiku you're hilarious!!  

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> He doesn't drink alcohol!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


He doesn't like people, either...lol

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Dragonfruitti (Jun 2, 2016)

aine said:


> You need help with your drinking. If you are an angry drunk it is best you do not drink or get to an inebriated state.
> What you did is downright disrespectful, in fact it is considered as assault and it is better you forget about dating anyone.
> You also have pent up anger. Find out why you have that, why you drink so much and why you think it is ok to give anyone a backhander least of all someone you are in a relationship with.
> 
> ...


I don't have a history of being an angry drunk, which is why I was shocked at myself for getting that way. I do think the alcohol can have a bad effect on some people when drinking too much. I'm not a heavy drink and the only times I would drink was on special social gatherings but not much.

I still don't recalled the entire argument to be honest. As of now, I've taken the action to not drink in future hang-outs with friends. 

I've been taken out his and his parents' fb as well. I'll be respecting his wishes to be left alone. Two days ago, I called him just once to just apologize on his answering machine (but didn't insist on getting back) for what happened that night as I know there was no excuse at all. No reply back so I'll just leave it like that. 

I missed him.


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## Dragonfruitti (Jun 2, 2016)

marduk said:


> Let him go. You crossed the line big time and it's over.
> 
> Apologize and let him go.
> 
> Then stop drinking, and go talk to somebody. This **** is never ok.


I tried calling to apologize but only got his answering machine. He hasn't return my call and will leave him alone now. I was taken off both his and his parents' fb.


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## Dragonfruitti (Jun 2, 2016)

Broken at 20 said:


> Are you even allowed to drink where you live, at 19?


I would be considered underage by 2 years but I was never a heavy nor frequent drinker.

Besides what happened, the only few times I would drink (not much like I did this time) is whenever I was at important gatherings with friends or relatives. I got a couple older friends and they would be the ones buying the drinks.



Tortdog said:


> Something is missing. Second family does not kick you to the curb. Think about it. Something is off.


I know. It's my way of saying I was closed to them that to me it felt like a family.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> He doesn't like people, either...lol
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Or kids! 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'd be more worried about the legal consequences to YOU. Women who hit are extremely likely to call the cops on your with made up nonsense to get you arrested.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

jld said:


> Here is an angle a counselor might suggest you ponder: why would you want to be with someone who brings out the worst in you? Why frustrate yourself that way?


Oh, this is nice.......

It's her boyfriend's fault she hit him.

I really wouldn't have thought that jld would go *this* far.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Mommywhatohnothing said:


> I would like to know what the BF said to cause her to hit him.


Would you also like to know what Ray Rice's wife did that caused him to hit her?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> Oh, this is nice.......
> 
> It's her boyfriend's fault she hit him.
> 
> I really wouldn't have thought that jld would go *this* far.


Maybe she has a son and she can't set him up with the OP.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dragonfruitti said:


> I messed up and was wondering if there was a way I can fix what I did. I'm assuming this is the right section.
> 
> This happened last Friday and I was very drunk by then; this is really so unlike me. It was totally off my character. To be honest, I don't recall the whole argument but it was something about his past (way before we met) and how we're not spending more time.
> 
> ...


Why in the he!! are you drinking and where did you get it to start with!

On the situation. It will take time for him to forgive you if ever. If he is a real man, he would never return the favor so you left him with no recourse but to walk away from you. You just have to give it time.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jld said:


> Because you did not feel threatened. But some men do.


BS on this. He has no recourse, he is not hitting her back. The only thing he could do is leave with the tempers being up. 6 month relationship, no lose on his part.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jld said:


> Women generally are not as physically strong as men. People use whatever tools they have to express themselves.
> 
> An easy way to defuse a woman's anger is to really listen to her concerns. Show empathy.



Please tell use how to defuse a drunk woman's anger when she is only catching bits and pieces of what is going on. 

I have stood guard duty when a squadron first arrives at a TDA and they all hit the e-club, there is no reasoning with a drunk woman.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Have you considered that maybe, he doesn't want your apologies? Maybe he just wants to be left alone? And never contacted again?
What you did is domestic violence. And DV is a no-win situation for a guy. So he is doing the smartest thing any guy can do: removing himself from the situation. 
Some posters in the thread have even asked what he did to incite your hitting him, as if there was some form of justification in it. Yet if the roles were reversed, no-one would dare ask what you said to incite his hitting of you. 

Learn from your mistakes, and move on. You're 19, and there are literally 3.5 billion other guys out there. Chances are, you'll meet someone else. 



Dragonfruitti said:


> I would be considered underage by 2 years but I was never a heavy nor frequent drinker.
> 
> Besides what happened, the only few times I would drink (not much like I did this time) is whenever I was at important gatherings with friends or relatives. I got a couple older friends and they would be the ones buying the drinks.


So did you ever think maybe you're too young to be drinking any amount of alcohol? Or are we just going to blow over that?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jld said:


> Hey, OP, you don't want to settle for an average man, do you? You want to hold out for an extraordinary man, right?


So now he is a average man because he didn't strike her back. O sorry, because he walked away from a bad situation. Where do you get your logic.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> That is an excellent question for her to think about.


Actually that is NOT a good question for the OP to think about.

A better question would be 'why did you use violence?'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dragonfruitti said:


> I don't have a history of being an angry drunk, which is why I was shocked at myself for getting that way. I do think the alcohol can have a bad effect on some people when drinking too much. I'm not a heavy drink and the only times I would drink was on special social gatherings but not much.
> 
> I still don't recalled the entire argument to be honest. As of now, I've taken the action to not drink in future hang-outs with friends.
> 
> ...



Good for you young lady, sounds like you have done some growing up in all of this. Well done, many would have gone deeper in the bottle or found a way to blame the other person. You took responsibility for your actions and took steps to not repeat them. 

I hope you find you someone that sweeps you off your feet, just make sure he is worthy of you before you lose contact with the ground.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

You hit your BF with a backhand. He no longer wants anything to do with you. I don't blame him. Considering that you two were only dating and at best a committed relationship, you just failed the extended interview. Suck it up and do better the next time. This is precisely how dating should work. You need to have a strict threshold on your boundaries, and if the potential future spouse fails to adhere to the values you hold and/or crosses your boundaries then it's time to break it off and move on.

Good call to stop the drinking. Hopefully he won't end up being the "one who got away". Whatever you do in the future, don't reconnect via social media unless BOTH of you are truly single. Otherwise... we know what will likely happen. Based on the empirical evidence I have seen, the "one who got away" inevitably is elevated in stature in the mind of the one who was not ready for the relationship to end. Just remember, he's not the "one who got away" but just a relationship that did not work out. Otherwise, you potentially set yourself up for failure in the future.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, recognize the gravity of this situation. It's obviously not that there was a slap in the face- it's what could have happened and may in the future. Mom's concerned about this. You start screaming and hit him, let's say he hits back and the police are called. Cops are not particularly competent, there are some extremely dangerous people like Jeffrey Dahmer (cops called in the middle of reported assault, he calmly explains it was just some horseplay, cops leave he finishes his 4th murder that night) who escape punishment and some innocuous architects or accountants who find themselves in jail. 

Someone who argues with cops or gets upset may find themselves in the county jail with charges of assault, domestic violence, and resisting arrest, and an arrest record which prevents him from getting many jobs. His mother is justly aware of the enormous potential consequences to her son which you seem to trivialize. 

I am not sure you will get him back or convince the mother. Imagine someone driving 120 miles per hour with a drink in his hand saying I probably won't do this again. The mother presumably needs to be absolutely sure this will never happen again and the son has the same sensible caution.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

BlueWoman said:


> And just to defend Jld, a little.
> 
> I remember when I was in college, I had a coworker who told me that she used to deliberately provoke her boyfriend into hitting her. She knew what buttons to push, and she pushed them. I never saw these kinds of fights, I'm only saying what she told me.


I'll say this now. 

NO

NO!

NO!!

No matter what she did or said or acted, it ultimately was his choice to hit her.

Period.

He did not have a gun at his head being forced to hit her. He chose to hit her. 

He could have chosen to walk away, yell, drink, run, cry, watch TV or anything else other than hit. No matter how much she provoked him


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## Pufferfish (Sep 25, 2013)

Dragonfruitti said:


> I'm not an alcoholic nor violent person.


I hope for your own sake, you can hold yourself to that. 

I had an ex-girlfriend who struck me once in anger. Although she immediately apologized, I knew we were finished and ignored her everytime she reached out. I heard thru common friends that she married but her husband left after less than a year. He didn't like getting smacked either. 

Perpetrators of domestic violence are usually repeat offenders. Don't be one of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

This is all getting a bit heavy.

Look OP, you did it. It was wrong. But you are young. Your life isn't over because you made one mistake. If you can learn from it, then in a way it's a good thing this happened now.

Stay away from violence, don't let alcohol become a problem for you, and all will be well.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Being drunk is no excuse to hit someone. You are 19 and already showing violent tendencies. Good on him for being smart enough to break up with you. Now leave him be and get yourself some counseling/anger management.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jld said:


> Hey, OP, you don't want to settle for an average man, do you? You want to hold out for an extraordinary man, right?


Deplorable. Inexcusable. And victim shaming.

You are exactly the problem that keeps male victims of domestic violence silent.

You help create new victims as much as those that hit men out of anger do. Perhaps more.

Karma's a *****, JLD. Remember that.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

This message is hidden because jld is on your ignore list


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I am one of the few guys who will stand up and say that I have slapped my wife. It happened only once and it was because of a very horrible thing that has happened earlier that day and what she said later at night.
No excuses.

I went thru a full anger management psychological sessions for a couple of months. Went on my own to understand why I did it.
Blaming my wife for my hitting her is downright stupid.
I snapped and only I am responsible for my actions.

Only when you take responsibility of what you are can you even come close to being a better person.

This was a wake up call for you.
You can either fix yourself or blame others.
But blaming anyone else will never make you a better human being.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Tortdog said:


> It was always illegal for a woman to slap a man. We just had different views back then.
> 
> And of course it's a sexiest generalization based on* the rational view that generally a slap by a woman to a man's face will not do physical harm* similar to that of a man's slap to a woman's face.
> 
> Like it or not, there are differences in the genders and I just recognize that reality.


I have to strongly disagree with the bolded. I trained women in self-defense. We had to warn them no contact with neck or head until they have significant training and have demonstrated control. Collapse larynx, punctured eye-ball or ripped off ear-lobe etc are all very serious possibilities, needing very little strength and just some bad luck.

She doesn't recall the hit, so I guess doesn't know where or how hard she hit. She knows she ended up with a sore hand, so obviously it wasn't trivial. Calling this a slap seems like a guess that is down-playing its seriousness. Even a slap or hair pull can take off an ear lobe. 

You qualified it by "similar to that of a man's slap to a woman's face", which statistically might be true on average. But both are wrong and neither should be down-played.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

And just to repeat the chorus,
- get into an anger management course
- stay off alcohol, especially while you are under-age

You have already given your apology to him, that is good. Now let him be.

You are almost lucky, you found out important things about yourself and it 'only' cost you your relationship with your boy-friend. This could have been much much worse.


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