# Facebook: a cause of divorce?



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I just read an online news article at  Deseret News. The article stated that _One in five list Facebook as a cause for their divorce, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers_
The article is here: Facebook is a breeding ground for accidental affairs | Deseret News.

From my experience in counseling couples, I would say that statistic is accurate for me as well. I would actually say the stats are higher for those couples who come to me wanting to heal from infidelity (at least 60% of the affairs can be traced back to finding the person on facebook).

I have nothing against facebook as I have my own page as well. It is just important to know your boundaries and not do ANYTHING in facebook that you wouldn't do in real life.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

People actually blame Facebook? Wouldn't it be healthier to say that Facebook didn't hurt anything. It's the people who cheated, or who were somehow committing some ACTION that could cause a divorce. I just think its BS and not a valid argument, and just another outside thing to blame for faults that should be placed on individuals. There is too much of that and this just perpetuates it.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

Facebook is not a cause. Its only a venue, and can often be a gauge. My soon to be ex wife was up all night on FB talking to exes as well as friends. As soon as she started to hide the screen and click out of pages real quick my gut told me what was up, just took time to accept it in my head and heart. 

Maybe the best analogy is donuts in front of a dieter. No will power or the feelings or lack thereof just get accelerated. Maybe a catalyst is the best term next to gauge? Here is a Google search 
facebook and divorce - Google Search


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

Oh boy, here we go again, we just had this discussion last week, not again please
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SunnyT said:


> People actually blame Facebook? Wouldn't it be healthier to say that Facebook didn't hurt anything. It's the people who cheated, or who were somehow committing some ACTION that could cause a divorce. I just think its BS and not a valid argument, and just another outside thing to blame for faults that should be placed on individuals. There is too much of that and this just perpetuates it.



Agree! I think it is sad and alarming that so many people actually allow themselves to be lured into idiotic behavior by it. It is somewhat like a person who has practiced honesty all their lives and passed by the locked, bank vault door many times without giving it a second thought. The moment it is left wide open and unattended, however, that person becomes tempted and convinces themselves it wouldn't hurt to take some money.
I just don't get it. It's sad to think people had that ability lurking within them all along, but just didn't have a tempting situation.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Can no one take responsibility for their own actions anymore?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I actually agree with everyone, and I like the donuts analogy. People need to own up to their responsibility in the affair, divorce, etc. I do think though that FB makes it very easy to reconnect or find people who would not be helpful in improving a martial relationship.


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## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

Did people not have affairs before facebook? Sometimes that is almost what it seems like with people making excuses for their bad behavior.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Riverside MFT said:


> People need to own up to their responsibility in the affair, divorce, etc. I do think though that FB makes it very easy to reconnect or find people who would not be helpful in improving a martial relationship.


I agree with that too! 

I think Fackbook has made it very convenient for people to get back in touch and for people to look for old friends and classmates, the worst, search for exes. 

You just type in their names, and they are there. You can do it secretly too. If you are in a vulnerable situation, just their show up on line can make you feel good, and then you are lured away, you lose control, you get lost.

Say there was no facebook, how easy is it for you to get back in touch with others? You forget their telephone numbers, you don't feel comfortable making phone calls because of this or that reason. All the longings stop here! You don't know where they live, you are lazy sending a letter, you are embarrassed asking others for their numbers and addresses. 

I agree that people should have will power and self-control. But sometimes staying away from this kind of place is a kind of self-control. For example, you don't want to start drinking, so you stay away from bars and pubs.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> I just read an online news article at  Deseret News. The article stated that _One in five list Facebook as a cause for their divorce, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers_
> The article is here: Facebook is a breeding ground for accidental affairs | Deseret News.
> 
> From my experience in counseling couples, I would say that statistic is accurate for me as well. I would actually say the stats are higher for those couples who come to me wanting to heal from infidelity (at least 60% of the affairs can be traced back to finding the person on facebook).
> ...


Where is the Like button?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

JeffX said:


> Did people not have affairs before facebook? Sometimes that is almost what it seems like with people making excuses for their bad behavior.


I would bet there are way more affairs now than ever before. Technology has made it easier. Opportunity is much greater.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

Yes technology makes it easier to contact people, but in the end it is the choice of the user, and the user needs to be responsible for their own actions,

facebook does not open an account for you, facebook does not write your profile for you, facebook does not add pictures for you, facebook does not add friends for you, facebook does not write messeges for you,

Blaming your problems on an inanimate object like a computer is absolutely assinine,

That's like blaming your pencil or pen for a letter you wrote,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

My wife's EA started through a social network. (Not FB) I agree that technology is not to blame for people's actions. People make their own decisions, but technology makes an illicit relationship easier to pull off, hide and move forward. We now live in a connected society which brings wonderful advancements in communications. But like anything can become just as nefarious and dangerous. Yesteryear's trip to the market to make a phone call to a lover or slipping out of the office for a cup of coffee or rendezvous are no longer needed. Disposable cell phones, texting, sexting, Skype, chat rooms, email.... have all made it available 24x7 and the trip to the market to make a quick phone call has been replaced with a trip to the john. 

Sites like FB make it easier to look up an old friend or former lover. And admit it, most of us are curious as to how they might be doing. Some even to rekindle a relationship during a time of difficulty in our current relationship. I closed my FB account a long time ago as I felt is was a waste of time. A couple of months ago I received a call on my cell phone from a former lover of 30+ years ago. A woman I had loved very much. She had wanted to "catch up". She had done this before, maybe 10 years ago and we communicated for a few weeks. My wife was fully aware. However it became clear that she wanted more and was in a failing marriage at the time. I was fortunate enough to have the foresight that this was not going to be healthy for my own marriage and ended all contact abruptly. When she contacted me again I assumed the same and told her about a rule my wife and I both have. No contact with former flames, lovers or anyone we had any romantic emotional tie to. She was quite surprised and a little put off by that and ended the call pretty quickly. My wife and I agreed on this rule to make sure we didn't put ourselves in a position that might lead to something else, no matter how innocent it may begin.

So I don't blame FB for the divorce rate but technology does have a hand in making cheating easier. OBTW even though I don't have a FB page she found me through the Internet. She found me on Linkedin and was able to find my company number. She called my extension and I was out of the office at the time. She was able to get my cell phone number from a co-worker and then called me there. Where there's a will there's a way.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Come on, do we all want to live like the Amish ??

I live in an area where they abound , I see them when I shop, I've had them do my roof, but I sure do not envy them, and all overly strict rules. Often we hear how they are using cell phones, listening to a radio, watching the neighbors TV. Imagine their temptation! IN the paper last week, one of them was diving drunk & crashed his buggy into a car causing alot of damage, his horse fell over, this young amish man is getting a DUI ! 

If one fertilizes his or her own marraige, careful to water and bring in the sunshine on a daily basis, keeps the passion alive (of coarse it takes 2- this is often the problem) and both partners VOW to *NEVER * hide anything from the other - oh what a different outcme we would have. 

The ROOT is not even a little "temptation" - we all have some of that , *I say SECRETS & HIDING is the real issue. * 

If an old fame contacts someone no matter the intention, it should be shared with the spouse THAT DAY, have her come look at the message, sit down together, talk about it -it helps if the husband or wife does not FLIP out like it was YOUR fault it happened. Then you can proceed together as a team. We can't expect everyone else to have integrity but it can start in our house! 

This is like having a protective SHEILD to protect your family. If everything was talked about openly & we felt this in our marriage -it would save tremendous heart ache, these things would never get off the ground. 


This can happen outside of the internet just as well - at work, with the hot secretary, with the gardner, at the gym, on a business trip, at the bar. One only needs to be lacking something at home, and have a tendency to keeping Secrets to open the floodgates to EAs, affairs, and many destructive things.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> My wife's EA started through a social network. (Not FB) I agree that technology is not to blame for people's actions. People make their own decisions, but technology makes an illicit relationship easier to pull off, hide and move forward. We now live in a connected society which brings wonderful advancements in communications. But like anything can become just as nefarious and dangerous. Yesteryear's trip to the market to make a phone call to a lover or slipping out of the office for a cup of coffee or rendezvous are no longer needed. Disposable cell phones, texting, sexting, Skype, chat rooms, email.... have all made it available 24x7 and the trip to the market to make a quick phone call has been replaced with a trip to the john.
> 
> Sites like FB make it easier to look up an old friend or former lover. And admit it, most of us are curious as to how they might be doing. Some even to rekindle a relationship during a time of difficulty in our current relationship. I closed my FB account a long time ago as I felt is was a waste of time. A couple of months ago I received a call on my cell phone from a former lover of 30+ years ago. A woman I had loved very much. She had wanted to "catch up". She had done this before, maybe 10 years ago and we communicated for a few weeks. My wife was fully aware. However it became clear that she wanted more and was in a failing marriage at the time. I was fortunate enough to have the foresight that this was not going to be healthy for my own marriage and ended all contact abruptly. When she contacted me again I assumed the same and told her about a rule my wife and I both have. No contact with former flames, lovers or anyone we had any romantic emotional tie to. She was quite surprised and a little put off by that and ended the call pretty quickly. My wife and I agreed on this rule to make sure we didn't put ourselves in a position that might lead to something else, no matter how innocent it may begin.
> 
> So I don't blame FB for the divorce rate but technology does have a hand in making cheating easier. OBTW even though I don't have a FB page she found me through the Internet. She found me on Linkedinand was able to find my company number. She called my extension and I was out of the office at the time. She was able to get my cell phone number from a co-worker and then called me there. Where there's a will there's a way.


:iagree:

In the business world, you would say that FB (or any social network) lowers the barrier to entry for cheating. I think we can all agree that FB, which is only a piece of software, does not force users to reconnect with old flames or engage in extramarital affairs. I think we can all further agree that the decision to use any kind of technology as a tool for cheating squarely lies with the cheater.

However, go back to the idea that technology lowers the barrier to entry for cheating. This means that those spouses on the cusp of cheating are now more likely to cheat than in years past because cheating required much more effort to a) find someone with whom to cheat and b) stay concealed while doing it. This further means that the likelihood of cheating is shifting toward the "will" side and away from the "won't" side because technology has become such an enabler. Of course we all understand that technology did not cause the person to want to cheat and that wanting to cheat are symptoms of deeper problems with the person and/or the marriage. However, before technology became such an enabler, for these people, cheating was a much more remote possibly and thus much more unlikely. 

I'm not saying that marriages were better or people happier in their marriages before current technology arose. However, for at least a couple years now, I've been seeing more and more articles and statistics concerning FB and technology in general causing marital problems. Sure, FB did not cause these marital problems, but how many of them would have been avoided without FB being an enabler?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

IMO, I don't think its the cause of divorce, but I'm sure it doesn't help a marriage already suffering.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lonelyman said:


> Yes technology makes it easier to contact people, but in the end it is the choice of the user, and the user needs to be responsible for their own actions,
> 
> facebook does not open an account for you, facebook does not write your profile for you, facebook does not add pictures for you, facebook does not add friends for you, facebook does not write messeges for you,
> 
> ...


The responsibility is clearly on the people using it. It does not mean however that this technology has facilitated affairs.

Life is not black and white. Facebook is a technology that puts people in a different environment. 

Alcohol does not cause affairs. It is no excuse for indiscretions. But it has surely enabled such behavior. 

To turn a blind eye to this seems unwise. People will need to adapt.

It opens up the whole, just how much privacy should one spouse have from the other. I believe in transparency but not everyone has that view.

It is very appropriate for a marriage site to talk this through and not bury our heads in the sand.

Pragmatically speaking with all opinions aside, Facebook has been pointed to as a big anbler for affairs. We can agree or disagree on this.

Facebook is clearly not an excuse to cheat.

Hooking up with old high school friends is great. It is so easy now. One does not have to intend to plunge into an EA for it to happen.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Davelli0331 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> In the business world, you would say that FB (or any social network) lowers the barrier to entry for cheating. I think we can all agree that FB, which is only a piece of software, does not force users to reconnect with old flames or engage in extramarital affairs. I think we can all further agree that the decision to use any kind of technology as a tool for cheating squarely lies with the cheater.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> The ROOT is not even a little "temptation" - we all have some of that , *I say SECRETS & HIDING is the real issue. *


:iagree:
The truth is, having secrets and lying have always caused problems in marriages. Facebook isn't a problem, but hiding things and lying to your spouse about who you are talking with on Facebook is a problem. This is the same for other aspects of marriage, i.e. financial issues don't necessarily cause problems, but the hiding, lying, and deceiving your spouse in regards to finances are incredibly destructive to a marriage.

There will always be new technologies that can be used for good or bad. Our responsibility is to make sure we continue to be honest with our spouse, and continue to learn how to have appropriate boundaries even as technology advances.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I think the word "factor" is a better choice to describe the correlation between FB and cheating. Clearly it is a factor when boundaries are poorly defined.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> IMO, I don't think its the cause of divorce, but I'm sure it doesn't help a marriage already suffering.


:iagree: Simply put!


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## mcmel (Jul 20, 2011)

The problem isn't Facebook - the problem is the PEOPLE USING Facebook!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*For example, you don't want to start drinking, so you stay away from bars and pub*

This is true.... but it's also saying that if someone feels they have to stay away from FB that they know they are prone to cheat. I know... people "don't mean to cheat" and "the affair just happened". BS. 

Blame the person. The one who made a commitment to you, the one who promised to be faithful, who had a contract with you. Not the "other person", not the internet, not the cell phone, not the airlines, not the friends who egged it on, .... the ONLY one at fault is the one who betrayed you.

Matches cause arson, automobiles cause traffic accidents, typewriters cause typos..... Really?


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## alicew332 (Jul 20, 2011)

It would be interesting to see how anyone could demonstrate an actual *causal* relationship from such a complicated thing as the road to divorce.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> As Aug said, it can simply be a factor and for those in a vulnerable spot, it may be best to avoid the temptation altogether.


I fully agree and in my case I take it one step further. My marriage is in a much better place than it was a few years ago, but still I elected not to allow an XGF to get back in contact with me, no matter the medium. I don't consider myself in a "vulnerable" position but understand from our own experiences you need to be proactive in protecting the marriage. Whether it be from inside or outside forces. Our "no contact with formers" rule is just that. There is an old saying. There is no sense in tempting fate.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

mcmel said:


> The problem isn't Facebook - the problem is the PEOPLE USING Facebook!


I agree 100%

Nobody is forcing users to be on facebook *AT ALL!!!*

It is the users choice to be on the site and open an account, nobody is forcing anybody to do so!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

There were and still are lots of other kinds of social networks, programs and chatrooms which I'm pretty sure people use to find old or new friends. 

List of social networking websites - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia 

People just blame facebook because it's the most popular social network today and as they say "haters gonna hate" lol 

It's like jumping out of a building and blaming the owner for having left the window open... where the hell were your eyes or better yet brain!


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