# So Hurt and Confused



## MsStressed (Feb 5, 2012)

I've been lurking and reading the threads for a few weeks, as I was a bit unsure about posting my story. But I don't know what to do. Will try to keep it as short as possible.

My first marriage was a disaster. First husband was violent towards me and had one affair after another - it was a painful experience. Eventually I threw him out, changed the locks because he wouldn't leave and he moved in with his mistress.

I threw myself into another relationship pretty quickly, with a work colleague, who supported me when I was going thru my divorce. He seemed great til he moved in. But I think he has a narcissistic personality disorder - one minute v nice and the next awful for no reason. The worst thing he did was to beat me up on our honeymoon after he'd drank too much, then claimed he'd blacked out and couldn't remember a thing.

We married - but after living together for five years, I could no longer cope with the situation. We agreed to seperate but he didn't move straight away. Not long after I met up with an old school friend - and we were seriously attracted to each other. We slept together once, then decided it was v wrong - I was in the middle of trying to separate and he lives with someone. So we decided not to see each other for a few months, so it would easy to be just friends later - which worked out.

I admitted my infidelity to my husband. What I didn't realize and he wouldn't admit was that before I even did this, he had begun a 5 month affair with a woman he'd had an affair with in his last marriage. He only just admitted this to me now recently, even though she messaged me months ago and told me about it.

Our first few months of separation were brutal - he lost his job and relied on me a lot financially, and also used my car a lot. So we saw each other a lot. Then eventually we began getting on better, we went out for dinner weekly, he came to my house often (he still did his washing here) and he ate quite a lot of his meals here. After a few months, we also began having sex occasionally. And he was still relying on me financially, as he was getting back on his feet after being out of work so long.

About a month before Christmas, I invited him to have dinner with myself and the kids, but he wouldn't commit himself to an answer. We'd been living separately for about a year now but still seeing each other several times a week. A few days before Christmas he told me he wanted to have dinner with his parents and very ill grandmother - as it might be her last.

A couple of days after Christmas my daughter received a message from a woman he had been seeing since July to say he'd spent Christmas Day there and stayed overnight. I had no idea he was seeing anyone - neither had my daughter (his step-daughter) and we were very upset to find out this way.

He told me that the woman was aware that I didn't know about the relationship - he couldn't give me a reason for not telling me. I felt very hurt and used - I wouldn't have stayed so involved with him, or slept with him if I knew he was seeing someone else. Between Christmas and New Year - he messed me about lots - saying he didn't want to carry on seeing her, as he had warned her from the beginning he wanted to stay friends with me. 

But he was coming to my house and making excuses to disappear early in the evening. What hurt me most was 30th December - he spent the day here, had sex with me in the early evening and got out of bed. He said he was visiting his son and would be back soon - he didn't return. Later I found a receipt in his wallet. He had got straight out of bed with me and taken the OW for a fancy meal.

He has now written a letter to the OW saying he doesn't want to see her again. And he is spending a lot of time here (but still living at his flat), but he isn't trying to make an effort to improve things. He doesn't seem to understand or care how much he has hurt me - and he couldn't see what he was doing wrong by spending time with me, taking money from me and sleeping with me, while he was having a secret relationship - well two secret relationships.

I feel so hurt and he continues to lie such a lot. I checked out his bank statements and it is obvious that he bought this woman expensive Christmas gifts - although he denies it. For the last few Christmases we didn't buy each other gifts at all, because we were experiencing financial difficulties.

I don't know what to do - it would be hard to stop seeing him completely. But at the same time - if I reconcile, I worry that we will just have the same problems and that he will continue to be unfaithful. I did ask him to go to marriage guidance counselling when he first moved out but he refused - I guess that is cos he was already seeing the first OW.

And even if we do manage to reconcile I now want to go ahead with a divorce, because our marriage vows seem meaningless.

In my heart I know I should let him go. During our separation I haven't even gone on one date. Yet he has done all this. If we divorce, maybe eventually I will be able to move on with my life and find someone who doesn't hurt and use me.

But another part of me keeps saying that maybe I should give this a chance - go to counselling and try to work things out. I'm so confused and my head is too mixed up to try to make a decision.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is there to give a chance? He's been using you and having his fun on the side. He's a liar and a cheat.

Take a look at the 180 link in my signature block below. That is how you need to be treating him. Cut him out of your life. Stop helping him financially. By helping him financially you are giving him the money to buy gifts and dinners for other woman!! Stop it. Do not let him come to your house for anything.. not his laundry, not to visit you and not for sex. File for divorce. Start taking care of yourself.

Who will love you if you cannot love yourself first?


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## MsStressed (Feb 5, 2012)

Thanks EleGirl, I guess I really needed someone to tell me that cos my head is so muddled. The OW that I found out about over Christmas was the second OW while we were seperated - not sure if I made that clear in my post.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MsStressed said:


> Thanks EleGirl, I guess I really needed someone to tell me that cos my head is so muddled. The OW that I found out about over Christmas was the second OW while we were seperated - not sure if I made that clear in my post.


Un-muddle your head! Get counseling if you can. Do things you like to do with friends. You will be in a better place given time. Take care of yourself.


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