# Trying to figure out if we should split up



## Hannah_387 (Sep 30, 2017)

First, let me say I am not proud of this. I’m the bad guy in my marriage; I’m the one screwing it up. What I need an answer to is if I should I try to fix things in my marriage or just leave? I was really emotional immature when I got married. My emotions were(are) pretty shallow. In short, I don’t think I have ever been in love. I just followed the playbook that my parents set out for me and never really thought or felt for myself. My husband is a really great guy. We have been together for eight years, married for five. We have no children and I do not want any children. He would like to have kids but it is not a deal breaker for him. In fact nothing is a deal breaker for him except for cheating. The guy seriously is impossible to please or anger. Its like he doesn’t have an opinion on anything or he is just humoring me in everything. I feel like I can’t make him happy but we never fight. I need someone who can back me up in any situation. I want an equal not someone who I feel like I need to protect. My husband is 6’5” and 285 lbs, I’m 5’7” and 130 lbs; if we were attacked I would push him behind me and protect him like he is a child. I have zero confidence in him. I think it might be best to let him go find someone who would treasure and value him. Someone who can love him. I’m awful; temperamental, standoffish, immature, ungrateful but I have one of the nicest guys in the world and it seriously annoys me. It is so hard knowing that no matter what, I have no right the be angry with him. I’m the one in the wrong all the time and it is so draining. Honestly, I don’t know how it happened but if you were to ask any of my coworkers, family or friends I’m a kind, empathetic and sweet girl. I go out of my way to help people I barely know but in my marriage I feel like I’m the worst possible piece of scum. There is something really messed up about the whole situation. I want to leave but I don’t have any real complaints about the marriage, it just makes me feel awful. Any advice would be appreciated. I apologize if this post makes no sense.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I advise you leave him quickly. He will find another woman who will give him children and he will be happy as a lark.
You'll hate yourself for it and be unhappy. But it won't be anything different from now... it's not like you're happy.

Btw, if your husband loves you and someone "attacked" you, he'd likely rip their head off and spit down their throat. A laid back guy that's takes all the bull**** you dish out, will likely unload all that on the poor sap that gives him reason to lose his temper.

Really. No sarcasm. Divorce him. You don't love him and never will. Let theboth of you find someone you do love. But I will say that I do believe whenyou leave him and he finds another, you'll likely find your "love" for him. It will be too late.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Hannah_387 said:


> ts like he doesn’t have an opinion on anything or he is just humoring me in everything.
> 
> I just followed the playbook that my parents set out for me and never really thought or felt for myself.


Yes, you are following a "playbook".

Did you ever consider that your husband may be doing the same thing? That he could be "following the playbook" ? The one his family-of-origin set out for him?
And, that he probably feels somewhat the same toward you: that you are impossible to please, but are angry about everything.

This guy has not one clue what's wrong. He doesn't know how to "fix" it. He doesn't see anything he's doing as "wrong", yet you are totally disrespectful of him for it.



Hannah_387 said:


> I think it might be best to let him go find someone who would treasure and value him.


No, that would not be the best. Although, it would be better than what you're doing now. And, if you can't put yourself on the "best" course, take this one, because it is far more honorable than the one you're currently on.



Hannah_387 said:


> I’m awful; temperamental, standoffish, immature, ungrateful but I have one of the nicest guys in the world


The "best" would be for you to throw away your "playbook" and become authentic. "Awful, temperamental, standoffish, immature, and ungrateful" are not authentic responses to "one of the nicest guys in the world".... not even from you. It is time for you to figure out where your "playbook" came from and recognize that whoever, or whatever, told you to use this playbook was an idiot. That would be "best".

You admit that you only use this "playbook" in your marriage.... and at other times and in other scenarios of your life, you don't, you're an authentic person.

Resolve, that from this day forward, you are going to respond to your husband with respect. No matter what he does, no matter what he says, no matter what he doesn't do, or doesn't say. And that good person who is YOU is going to be who your husband receives as his wife.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Have you at any time sought individual counseling on this problem?

What possible harm could it do before exhausting all of your resources?*


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What do YOU want?

That is a powerful question for both of you. Do you want the over-the-moon crazy love feeling? Or are you comfortable with your friendly calm relationship you have with your husband? Same for him, what does he want in the marriage? Maybe he is totally satisfied with this arrangement.

However, the danger is if one or the other of you wants the hot sparks, someone will come along that ignites it. It is inevitable that everyone, including you and your husband, will meet someone who has that zing somehow. If you are rock solid in your marriage and you know what you want is what you already have, you deal with it with good boundaries and a determination to avoid following the temptations. But if one of you wants a relationship with sparks, some kind of affair is pretty much guaranteed.

All that to say you both need to figure out what you really want in a marriage. I echo arbitrator's advice to seek counseling. Open communication with your husband on this topic is definitely needed. You can decide to split up in a friendly way if you end up deciding this relationship is not what you want.

Why do you think you are being unfair somehow to your husband? Why do you feel like the bad guy? I'm seeing some red flags here that perhaps your husband is a classic pathologically Nice Guy. Not just nice, but *Nice* per the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Glover. If so, he is not happy in the marriage. He is trying to fix that by doing what he thinks makes you happy and by avoiding any conflicts with you. And, it is possible you are trying to get him to show some emotions by being difficult, but he doesn't take the bait. Which frustrates you. If this is what is going on it is completely fixable though it could result in the end of the marriage. A good marriage counselor familiar with the book NMMNG might be helpful.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

My wife is you, she brought chaos to our marriage from day one, affairs, mean spirited, selfish to the point of incredulity, always picking fault, never happy but to others an amazing warm sincere lovable woman. My wife left 15 weeks ago today for another man, he is the greatest thing to ever happen to her according to her when she left, go forward 14 weeks and 4 days and she arrives at our house asking if she can come back, WOW, never saw that coming. I have never been able to fathom this woman out, why so horrible to me but so warm to strangers, i think i know the answer but she denies it is what is wrong, she married a man she didn't want, she settled for the first real romance in her young life as she couldn't play around as her parents were strict. I know my wife, she would have laid all the pipe in the town where she stayed if it were not for her parents, she settled on my pipe too early i think. You know why you are the way you are with your husband, look hard into yourself, the answer is there, if you look honestly. 

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

There are things your husband could do from a leadership standpoint that would probably help the situation.

That said, I don't think you dislike your husband as much as you dislike yourself while projecting those feelings on to him. Why do you not love yourself?

Also, your husband seems to be the emotionally steady one. Did it ever occur that while you may not _want_ that, you might actually _need_ that?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

KevinZX said:


> My wife is you, she brought chaos to our marriage from day one, affairs, mean spirited, selfish to the point of incredulity, always picking fault, never happy but to others an amazing warm sincere lovable woman. My wife left 15 weeks ago today for another man, he is the greatest thing to ever happen to her according to her when she left, go forward 14 weeks and 4 days and she arrives at our house asking if she can come back, WOW, never saw that coming.


Kevin, I hope this song is how you reacted to her returning. "Surprise, Surprise" by Craig Carothers https://youtu.be/ABx26x-EMQ4


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do you have reason to believe that he wouldn't try to protect you? Keep in mind that its possible to be laid back about things that don't matter (what topping to have on pizza), but still be solid on things that do matter. 

Have you tried accepting him for what it sounds like he is - a good man who loves you unconditionally? 

If you can't love him, then leave him and let him find someone who can. Just beware that the idea of the rugged bad-guy who gets angry, violent etc can be very sexy - in a fantasy. The reality is usually not nearly so pretty.

There are women who would love to have a husband like yours - but that doesn't mean that he is right for you. Just be sure you know what you want - this is not a decision you can reverse. 




Hannah_387 said:


> First, let me say I am not proud of this. I’m the bad guy in my marriage; I’m the one screwing it up. What I need an answer to is if I should I try to fix things in my marriage or just leave? I was really emotional immature when I got married. My emotions were(are) pretty shallow. In short, I don’t think I have ever been in love. I just followed the playbook that my parents set out for me and never really thought or felt for myself. My husband is a really great guy. We have been together for eight years, married for five. We have no children and I do not want any children. He would like to have kids but it is not a deal breaker for him. In fact nothing is a deal breaker for him except for cheating. The guy seriously is impossible to please or anger. Its like he doesn’t have an opinion on anything or he is just humoring me in everything. I feel like I can’t make him happy but we never fight. I need someone who can back me up in any situation. I want an equal not someone who I feel like I need to protect. My husband is 6’5” and 285 lbs, I’m 5’7” and 130 lbs; if we were attacked I would push him behind me and protect him like he is a child. I have zero confidence in him. I think it might be best to let him go find someone who would treasure and value him. Someone who can love him. I’m awful; temperamental, standoffish, immature, ungrateful but I have one of the nicest guys in the world and it seriously annoys me. It is so hard knowing that no matter what, I have no right the be angry with him. I’m the one in the wrong all the time and it is so draining. Honestly, I don’t know how it happened but if you were to ask any of my coworkers, family or friends I’m a kind, empathetic and sweet girl. I go out of my way to help people I barely know but in my marriage I feel like I’m the worst possible piece of scum. There is something really messed up about the whole situation. I want to leave but I don’t have any real complaints about the marriage, it just makes me feel awful. Any advice would be appreciated. I apologize if this post makes no sense.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

LOL, i wasn't surprised at all, i know her so well she jumped then almost immediately regretted it, the grass on the other side and all that, she has only herself to blame when she is by herself in her old age, painful for me to imagine that but her decision.

Love and Peace always 

KevinZX


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

KevinZX said:


> LOL, i wasn't surprised at all, i know her so well she jumped then almost immediately regretted it, the grass on the other side and all that, she has only herself to blame when she is by herself in her old age, painful for me to imagine that but her decision.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


Are you taking her back?


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Absolutely not, no way, she has gone from my life as a wife, she is still my son's mother but she is doing little to see him or explain herself to him I am keeping my distance from her by arranging visits to her father in the hospital so we don't clash etc. I have worked on myself so much but her admitting to me she hasn't changed at all and is off work due to her not coping by not seeing me is not my problem, she has made a rod for her own back. I have no plans for another woman as i have to sort myself out first, maybe i will not want another woman but that is for later, much later.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Whatsright86 (Jun 24, 2017)

Hannah_387 said:


> First, let me say I am not proud of this. I’m the bad guy in my marriage; I’m the one screwing it up. What I need an answer to is if I should I try to fix things in my marriage or just leave? I was really emotional immature when I got married. My emotions were(are) pretty shallow. In short, I don’t think I have ever been in love. I just followed the playbook that my parents set out for me and never really thought or felt for myself. My husband is a really great guy. We have been together for eight years, married for five. We have no children and I do not want any children. He would like to have kids but it is not a deal breaker for him. In fact nothing is a deal breaker for him except for cheating. The guy seriously is impossible to please or anger. Its like he doesn’t have an opinion on anything or he is just humoring me in everything. I feel like I can’t make him happy but we never fight. I need someone who can back me up in any situation. I want an equal not someone who I feel like I need to protect. My husband is 6’5” and 285 lbs, I’m 5’7” and 130 lbs; if we were attacked I would push him behind me and protect him like he is a child. I have zero confidence in him. I think it might be best to let him go find someone who would treasure and value him. Someone who can love him. I’m awful; temperamental, standoffish, immature, ungrateful but I have one of the nicest guys in the world and it seriously annoys me. It is so hard knowing that no matter what, I have no right the be angry with him. I’m the one in the wrong all the time and it is so draining. Honestly, I don’t know how it happened but if you were to ask any of my coworkers, family or friends I’m a kind, empathetic and sweet girl. I go out of my way to help people I barely know but in my marriage I feel like I’m the worst possible piece of scum. There is something really messed up about the whole situation. I want to leave but I don’t have any real complaints about the marriage, it just makes me feel awful. Any advice would be appreciated. I apologize if this post makes no sense.


Wow...I wouldn't be surprised if my soon to be ex-wife told me that. In her eyes, I'm probably very close to your description of your man (except the 6'5" part).

I've just started reading the book "Love Must Be Tough" and it made a lot of sense to me. Similar to my wife, I don't think you are respecting your husband anymore. You consider him weak and boring (i.e. doormat). Without such respect, both sides will become fed up with each other, because you can't pity someone and love someone at the same time.

But is he really as bad as you view him? Sometimes it's just a matter of perspective. 

To share a personal example, my wife and I were walking around a busy shopping mall. Someone rushed past us and one of his bags hit my wife on her shoulder. Luckily the bag didn't have anything sharp so it was just a small hit (no marks, no bruise or anything), and the guy ran off. My wife was pissed at the stranger, but she was also angry at ME, for both not protecting her and not teaching that stranger a lesson. However, to me, I didn't feel any need to chase after the stranger because I just don't think it's worth it. What am I going to do if I do catch him? Grab his ear, drag him back to apologize? Yet I was seen as weak in my wife's eyes.

Another personal example is a stranger once insulted me when my wife and I were walking together. I just smiled and ignored him. Again, my wife thought I was weak. I would consider it immature to argue with a random stranger.

But I bet you if something serious were to happen like us getting physically threatened, I would tell my wife to run while I fend off the attacker.

I suspect your husband also has buried a lot of his feelings, not wanting to tell you in fear of an argument. 

Have you considered going to a marriage counsel?

What have you and/or your husband done lately to spark the relationship?


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