# Dazed & Confused



## dragon27 (Jan 8, 2013)

My wife filed for a divorce 2 months ago. We've been separated for 4 months. There is so much about all of this I can't seem to wrap my head around. How did we get to this point? What did I do to contribute to such a drastic turn of events? 

To backup a little, my wife and I have been married 20 years this year, May 29th. We have 2 children, boy that is 19 and girl who is 12. Some where around 3 years ago I noticed some distance growing between the 2 of us. So many times I would ask her about what she wanted to do for a family vacation this year or if she would like to just take a few days where just she and I would go do something. These attempts were only met with rejection and excuses about work being too busy. 

Then there were the times where around the house she would just ignore me. It was like I wasn't in the room. I could see her go out of her way not to make eye contact with me when passing through a room. This got annoying. When I would approach her about this she'd say, "You need to stop being so insecure," or "I'm sorry, I didn't know I was doing this. I will work on it." Things would go back to normal for a few weeks only for her to go right back. Then this past New Years Eve, I finally had enough. It was then I told her she needed to tell me what was going on. She broke down crying and after a few words like, "I don't know," or "people change," she finally came out and said, "I'm not in love with you anymore." This cut deep like a dagger. I had no idea.

So after that we went the next few weeks with me trying to get her to open up and tell me what is going on. She finally admitted she's had these feelings for a few years but never said anything because she didn't want to hurt my feelings nor what it would do to the kids. She couldn't tell me any specific reason or event(s) which led up to this. I took that to mean it was over between us and there wasn't anything I could do. 

Man, you talk about someone feeling helpless and lost.... I was the complete definition of that. I hadn't cried that much since my dad passed away 25 years ago. The hurt was, still is, unreal.

We discussed how to separate and I pulled the short straw. She would continue to be in the house for now and I moved into an apartment that isn't even 1/2 mile down the road. This would be best for my kids with least disruptions and they can continue to stay in a familiar environment with their same routines. 

Me on the other hand, I moved into an apartment after living in a house for 20 years. I am now alone, no kids, no dog, nothing. I have my faith. I've also grown to learn that all my friends are married. Ever single one. 

After 20 years of knowing one things, doing the same thing, living in the same place, etc, I have no idea what to do. I have been seeing a therapist but I'm not feeling any better. I still have so much frustration, anger, resentment, depression, fear, etc. Its hard for me to admit all of this since I feel I need to be a strong male and suppose to appear as someone who is strong for my kids but dang it this is the hardest thing in the entire world. 

Our relationship now has diminished to a couple of emails back and forth every other week. She will not call me. I'm not sure why as she makes me feel like I did something wrong and can't talk to me. 95% of the emails are instigated by me to ask about logistics or about the kids. 

I'm really struggling with all of this. I pray all the time and am stronger than ever in my faith. However things have never been more confusing or upside down in my life. Any words of wisdom out there? Anything I'm not thinking of or should be doing? 

Thanks in advanced for allowing me to share this with you. I look forward to whatever feedback you may have.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

How did you end up pulling the short straw? Was/Is she a SAHM? What time are you getting to see the children? Are you wanting to see the kids/have responsibility for them? Just because she said you need to leave (or you agreed to it thinking doing so may appease her), you should talk to a lawyer about the laws/leanings of the court in your community.

As for things to do, once you get past making sure you are covering your behind legally, try and look for a divorce support group or do you have any friends/relatives you can talk to about your current situation? Being alone stinks when you are reeling from a relationship gone amok.

-M


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## dragon27 (Jan 8, 2013)

Morgiana - All great questions. I say I drew the short straw but it was more like this. I kept telling her to leave since she was the one so unhappy and not in love anymore. However when it came down to it and she said she was going to look for an apartment, I just couldn't let her do that. She works and her work is a lot more flexible with her schedule. So she can go in later to take my daughter to school, etc. So rather than risk messing with my daughter's routine that she is accustom to with my wife, chose to be the one to move out. 

That said, I did check with a lawyer and this does not mean anything in the way of custody or property. This will no influence who gets custody or who gets the house. So I'm clear there. 

I do know though that I sacrificed so much more even though I feel I wasn't the one who started this. My whole world has flipped up side down and I'm just not seeing that for her. I've got huge feelings of resentment and I just want her world to be chaos also. That's bad, I know but can't help feeling that way.

Yes, I want to be as involved in my kids lives as possible. That was the main reason why my apartment is only 1/2 mile away from the house. I do take my daughter to dance, school events, and she's been over to the apartment a few times. However, this is not the same as seeing you kids every morning before they go to school or every evening when I would help with homework, play in the swimming pool, or even playing around with our dog. 

I have several friends and a few are concerned friends. They've been told all that is going on. We all hang out on occasion. The problem I run into is they are all married. Some of them longer than my marriage. So it is hard for them to give advice and they are really trying to be as supportive as they can.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I agree with Morgiana, as much as it hurts, you need to prepare & protect yourself legally and financially for a divorce. From her actions, I would say that your wife is done. Right now she has had months to prepare for a divorce while I am guessing you are hoping for reconciliation and have done little legally. She is 10 steps ahead of you and you will be playing catch up.

Morgiana raises some good questions as they will relate to possible alimony and child support. Unless you want to be nearly broke for a number of years, you need to take some action.

Where I would start: Contact some laywers for some consults, separate your finances, spend time with your kids, and move back into your home. Moving out is a huge mistake that can cost you dearly in a divorce. It is still _your_ home too unless the court as awarded the residence to your stbx. Move into an empty bedroom/basement if you need to be separated.

Then start to document everything you do around the house and with the kids. Treat the divorce issue with your stbx like a business deal. Cordial and with respect but avoid anything personal. Start to study you state statues on divorce and child custody to make yourself smarter. Look for some Dad friendly forums to get some advice on how to prepare.

I know this does not make you feel better, but you need to protect yourself. And try not to be two hard on yourself about what may have happened in your marriage. Marriage takes two to tango, _you are not the only one at fault_. She bears just as much responsiblity as you with regards to the problems that were not addressed.


Edit: Just read your response. The moving out without having your daughter stay the night will most definitey affect your custody. You are establishing the status quo that your kids don't spend overnights with you, so why should a judge award you anything more than the minimum standards of custody? Child support is determined from the number of overnights the kids spend with you. Minimal overnights = max child support. You should be working for minimum of 50/50.

As I mentioned, you need to become smart on the divorce and custody aspect of divorce. Don't depend strictly on your lawyer to give you advice. They are in the business of making money like everybody else. The more they can drag a divorce out, the more they can bill you for.

I also missed the part about she has filed papers. What is she asking for? Have you had an initial court hearing?


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## dragon27 (Jan 8, 2013)

C3156 - Thanks for the advice. You've brought up some great points. Thank you!


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