# Help for dealing with pasive aggression/dyslexia



## reindeer

We have been married for 16 yrs, although we separated for 2 years about 12 yrs ago.

My husband has always amazed me in the way that whatever life throws at him he has always managed to bounce back. I have also always been aware of an underlying anger, which he has occassionally admitted to.

Bak in October he suffered a really big disappointment in his life, and since then has gone into a sort of depression, he says his self esteem is on the floor. Prior to this he was diagnosed as being dyslexic. He asked for thisat work, but now wishes it not had happened. i thought it would make him happier to know, but he says, 
'I always thought I was thick, now it is official'.

He does not want to read about dyslexia, does not want counselling or medication for depression.

I realise that many of our communication difficulties can be attributed to his dyslexia now, and have started to re-phrase the way I say things and check out with him, he understands and this has helped a bit.

however I have also begun to realise that he has many traits of the passive aggressive person. Our relationship is not good at the moment, and we have been through a lot. He says he wants to be here, and for things to be as they were because he was happy then. However he is so withdrawn, not just from me, but from many other people. Sleep is disturbed, forgetful, drinking more.

I have been controlling in the past, for various significant reasons, however I have changed a lot and am now enabling him to persue interests in the hope that by working on himself his self esteem may improve.

Meanwhile I have been recently made redundant, and am coping with his rejection as well. He would normally have been very supportive, but at the moment says 'he does not have it in him to carry anyone else'

He is so hostile in a passive way. No longer does any of the 'nice things' which I liked about him. I feel partly due to depression, but also that he is with holding from me, as a way to vent his anger. He says he does not mean to be this way and will change, but does not!

I have read about how to deal with passive aggression. Stuff like trying to take a problem solving approach, and not blame. Making it clear that ambiguity and not tkaing responsibility is not acceptable. But when you state this and the other person says I will change, and then doesn't what do you do?

I have continued to live a happy life outside of the home, despite redundancy. Have maintained friendships. However being home with him is awful, and the rest of the family suffer too. i seriously would live elsewhere if I had the financial means. I do love him, and believe he loves me, however he is hurting me so much with his withdrawl. I have withdrwn at times as well as it is easier, but then the situation just gets worse. I almost wish he would have a breakdown, and bring it all to a head.

This is not very specific I know, and welcome questions to draw out my story. I really want some helpful ideas of positive things I can do to work with him in an attemp o save our marriage, independently of therapists.

Thanks for reading this.


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## reindeer

Thinking that maybe I should give an example of my husbands behaviour and it's effects.

He told me back in Feb, after being depressed since October that he loved me but did not like the person that I had become and that he thought that he had made me that way. One of the things he did not like was that, he said he I drank too much, and that this was his fault. I thought this was because I told him the reason that I drank at times was to block out some of our past. to forget some things he has done, and I thought he was blaming himself for that.

When I drank I admit I got talkative and told him exactly what was on my mind, and said some not very nice things to him. I did not shou, or be violent, but he did not like it. So I told him that drinking was not a problem to me and if it bothered him I would cut down. I have and he says that it is no longer a problem, and if I have anything to say, I make sure it is not when I have had a drink.

When we were talking recently he gradually managed to tell me that , he had controlled my drinking. I really did not get it at first and he got impatient because I did not understand!

Hw would txt me on the way back from work and ask if I wanted a drink, and pick up wine for me and beer for him. He said that he wanted me to drink until I fell asleep because, it was easier than me talking to him about personal stuff (which he hates). To make it more complicated, he would not let me drive when we were going out. i said but that would have stopped me drinking which is what you wanted. He said, well I know this sounds stupid but then I was worried that you would be looking at what I was drinking!!!! So there are huge issues of control here I feel.

Now he has admitted this to me, he has withdrwn even further, almost no physical ontact. He says this is because of how he feels about what he has done! 

This is all very compliated I feel, and I am beginning to wonder what I am facing.

I can see he is physically hurting and whatever he has done this is not nice to see. My daughter is also 'missing' her dad, he has changed so much, she can't remember what he used to be like!


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## Amplexor

reindeer said:


> Bak in October he suffered a really big disappointment in his life, and since then has gone into a sort of depression, he says his self esteem is on the floor. Prior to this he was diagnosed as being dyslexic. He asked for thisat work, but now wishes it not had happened. i thought it would make him happier to know, but he says,
> 'I always thought I was thick, now it is official'.


You have a huge amount of information here in a very complex situation, but I will comment on the portion I have some experience in. I was diagnosed with severe dyslexia at the age of about 12. It is a learning disability only and has nothing to do with intelligence. I am of high intelligence and work in a field that requires a large amount of technical expertise. It is an inability to recognize or process certain symbols. Nothing to do with vision either, it is a quirk in the way the brain processes the stimuli. I have dealt with it all my life and it has had very little effect on where I am today. It is not treatable in forms other than learning how to deal with it and improving your ability to process. I had several years of specialized classes in elementary and high school. Other then being a slow reader and poor speller it has not tethered me in any way in life. Please address this with your husband that there is nothing to be ashamed of but he can improve if he feels it is impacting his life or holding him back. Don't let him think he is "thick" because of this, dyslexics tend to be highly intelligent.


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## reindeer

Thankyou for your response Amplexor, I know he is not thick. He has a good job, but I imagine it does cause him a lot of stress due to paperwork he has to complete, and some of it legal and he does struggle. 
I have read a lot about dyslexia, and he does get some auditory processing problems. He used to say when I talked to him'I don't have a clue of what you are talking about'. I used to think he was being evasive, but now I understand there are other layers to some people's dyslexia. I now try to be patient and put things another way, with an example and this has helped. He is also very prone to headaches, due to the problem solving techniques which I know he employs to cope with it.
I would love to tell him more of what I know as I think it would make him understand, but he does not want to know more. I know a lot of his self esteem isues have come from this. 
He feels he is a failure at everything, including what he has done to me and the family . 
He describes himself as trying to find out who he is and trying to fit in. There is a lot of soul searching going on at the moment.


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## schneiderbee

Dyslexia and Mental Health: Helping people identify destructive behaviours and find positive ways to cope 

http://www.amazon.com/Dyslexia-Ment...0283656&sr=8-2&keywords=passe,+neil+alexander


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