# Taking a Summer Break and Contemplating Financial Impact of Divorce



## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

About three weeks ago I told my wife I wanted to take a break for the summer. We having been living mostly separate lives over the past 9 years, with me working about 150 miles away. Long backstory about that and other things, but I felt like I needed more space and time to think through whether I can go on in this marriage that is coming up on 37 years.

We are both 60. Both our children are grown, but one just finished school and is living at home right now. 

Finances are the only thing really holding me back from filing. We both work, but I currently make about four times what she makes. This has not been the case throughout our entire marriage. Early on we made about the same, but she sat out after our younger daughter was born and when she returned to the workforce about 19 years ago, she was making about half of what I made. 

We have a little over $3M in assets (about 90% of them in retirement accounts), plus a house that would net about $300k if sold today. We have about 6 years left on the mortgage. She has about $1.1M in her retirement accounts, I have about $1.7M, and we jointly have about $350k in other savings and investments, not including the house. 

Splitting assets this close to retirement will be expensive for both of us, but we will each end up with plenty of money for retirement (assuming she can tighten her belt a bit). 

For those who divorced later in life, how did you determine the financial arrangements? 

I have yet to see an attorney, but have been thinking about the following scenario:
1. We each keep our individual retirement accounts
2. She gets the joint assets
3. She gets the house. I will continue to pay the mortgage (including taxes and insurance) as long as she lives there. Once the mortgage is paid she gets the house and takes on the taxes and insurance. If she decides to sell the house, she keeps the proceeds
4. I will pay her a monthly amount as long as I continue to work or until she reaches full retirement age of 67 (she will be 61 next month), whichever is earlier. I am thinking of something like $3k a month which, combined with the mortgage payment would mean total support of about $5k a month--or a total of about $360k over the six years, assuming she stays in the house. That total would be equivalent to about 35% of my current take home pay. She is putting in the maximum into her retirement accounts and her take home pay is about $2400 a month. 

I can afford these amounts and could live quite comfortably on what is left over. Based on current valuations, she would have about 1.75M in assets (including the value of the house) and I would have about $1.7M Do you think this split would be fair? Would it be too generous? Not compensating her enough? I don't want to pay alimony past retirement. Is that a reasonable expectation? Should I plan on paying more up front?

I realize that many of my questions are likely better answered by an attorney, but I am trying to get some sense of what to expect.

If we can come to an agreement on the financial split, my preference would be to try to work with a shared attorney. Any feedback on the pros/cons of that approach?

Thanks.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You can take all those numbers and throw them away. As soon as you file the claws will come out and it will be a free for all. Everyone thinks they can divorce peacefully.... but nobody does. Let the lawyers do what they do unless you can arbitrary an agreement.... good luck with that


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Does she know that you want a divorce?
If you do divorce you are both very fortunate to have lots of money and assets etc but don't you want to try and make it work?
If you are both agreeable to a divorce and are reasonable people then there is no reason why you can't agree to the basics together. I did that with my ex. It saves a lot on solicitors fees.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> You can take all those numbers and throw them away. As soon as you file the claws will come out and it will be a free for all. Everyone thinks they can divorce peacefully.... but nobody does. Let the lawyers do what they do unless you can arbitrary an agreement.... good luck with that


You very well may be right. I don’t think she would contest what I propose, but I may be underestimating how hurt she would be. My best guess is that she will practically shut down and want to get it over with. I think she would agree to sharing an attorney if it would save us both money.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Does she know that you want a divorce?
> If you do divorce you are both very fortunate to have lots of money and assets etc but don't you want to try and make it work?
> If you are both agreeable to a divorce and are reasonable people then there is no reason why you can't agree to the basics together. I did that with my ex. It saves a lot on solicitors fees.



She definitely knows it is a real possibility, though she may not realize how close I am to making that decision.

I’ve tried to work things out for a long time. In recent years we both have gone through individual counseling and we did marriage counseling. I’ve tried to tell her what I needed from her and tried to sit down with her to make a life plan for the last 20 to 30 years of our life, but it’s been impossible to get her to commit to any plan.

There’s a lot to our history that I have needed to heal from but she’s either unwilling or incapable of even trying to give me what I need. About four years ago I wrote her a series of letters outlining some of my concerns and trying to engage her in a discussion around issues in our relationship. She acknowledged receiving one but never responded. She didn’t even acknowledge receiving the others. I actually forced her to read one of the letters that was especially important to me. I got no response of any type and nothing in her approach to our relationship changed. What else can I conclude from that except she is not even going to try? That I am not worthy of her effort? Or, that she isn't capable?

She has some mental health issues that I fear are only going to get worse. Our older daughter, who has a degree in psychology and behavioral neuroscience and who now is a physician, said awhile ago that she thinks her mom has a personality disorder. She’s been on antidepressants for close to 20 years. She started on those in part to help her control her anger issues—especially aimed toward me. She also has a strained relationships with our daughters and both situations are related to her lack of consideration for others and to her emotional volatility--especially with our younger daughter. Our older daughter confided in me that often her mom was very volatile with her—going off on her without much warning or provocation. She says she loves her because she is her mom, but she doesn't really like her mother. Our younger daughter says much the same, particularly now that she and her mom are living together most of the time.

Through the course of our relationship she has never really made an attempt to make me a priority. She is an especially inconsiderate person. And I don’t see that getting better. She brings little comfort or care into my life. In fact, what she mainly brings is stress and disruption. This past year my blood pressure spiked due in part to stress from work and in part because we were spending so much more time around each other. Even with medication it was frequently in the 140s/90s much of the past winter and spring. In the few weeks since we have started our break, my blood pressure has significantly improved. Two evenings ago it was 107/73.

For long bouts in our marriage I felt like she just didn’t like me. I felt like the best thing I could do for her was to die and leave her with a nice estate and sizable life insurance proceeds. When I discovered an emotional affair, including hundreds of emails and social media exchanges between her and an old boyfriend in 2011, I saw in her own voice the disdain and disrespect she had for me. I have given our situation nearly 10 years to improve since then. It hasn’t. In fact, in some ways it has gotten worse.

Since our break started she has written me a couple of emails trying to dissuade me from leaving her. Even those attempts to show how much she loves me reinforce the fact that she views the relationship in terms of what she wants and needs. There’s not a single request for me to tell her what I need from her. It’s all about why she needs me and hollow words about how much she loves me. I say hollow words because they belie how she has treated me and disrespected me for way too many years.

I don’t love her in the way that I once did. She wants us to find a way to transition into our golden years toward some sort of companionable loving relationship. Thinking of being with her for the remainder of my time on this earth is not something I look forward to. I really don’t like her as a person anymore. 

The only reason for me to stay is related to the lifestyle we have built and the aspects of a retirement we will likely be able to enjoy and pass on if we keep our assets combined. There’s a lot more to the backstory and this decision has been a long time in the making. It’s not just about the marriage we have had and its problems. It’s really more about the way the future looks to me based not only on our past, but also how she is today


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

aaronj said:


> She definitely knows it is a real possibility, though she may not realize how close I am to making that decision.
> 
> I’ve tried to work things out for a long time. In recent years we both have gone through individual counseling and we did marriage counseling. I’ve tried to tell her what I needed from her and tried to sit down with her to make a life plan for the last 20 to 30 years of our life, but it’s been impossible to get her to commit to any plan.
> 
> ...


It does sound as if it's extremely stressful in the marriage and that's affecting your health as well as hers probably. Do you think she needs to be assessed for some sort of mental disorder? 

As for the money, you both have a lot of assets etc so you would both be able to live a good lifestyle.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> It does sound as if it's extremely stressful in the marriage and that's affecting your health as well as hers probably. Do you think she needs to be assessed for some sort of mental disorder?
> 
> As for the money, you both have a lot of assets etc so you would both be able to live a good lifestyle.


Our daughter (the physician) has tried to get her mom to go in for a full neurological work up, but my wife has refused to do so. I have reached the point were even if we confirmed she had a disorder I wouldn't want to stay with her through whatever treatment or decline would follow.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

aaronj said:


> You very well may be right. I don’t think she would contest what I propose, but I may be underestimating how hurt she would be. My best guess is that she will practically shut down and want to get it over with. I think she would agree to sharing an attorney if it would save us both money.


Yeah ...... ummmmm.... I think you should read my post again. You just go ahead and think that and get friendly raped like everyone that thought the same thing.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> Yeah ...... ummmmm.... I think you should read my post again. You just go ahead and think that and get friendly raped like everyone that thought the same thing.


No. I read your post. Like I said. To quote Billy Joel, "You may be right. I may be crazy." I guess we won't know until it happens. But your cautionary tale is noted. Thank you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

aaronj said:


> No. I read your post. Like I said. To quote Billy Joel, "You may be right. I may be crazy." I guess we won't know until it happens. But your cautionary tale is noted. Thank you.


I do wish you the best of luck. These things get messy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

aaronj said:


> No. I read your post. Like I said. To quote Billy Joel, "You may be right. I may be crazy." I guess we won't know until it happens. But your cautionary tale is noted. Thank you.


It does depend on your wife. I think what you are proposing is very fair and I would have thought I was totally blessed if I had been left with all that after my marriage ended. However we had far less than you both have anyway.
Sometimes a divorce brings out the worst in people, but in mine we did managed to sort out most things on our own and some couples can achieve that if both are willing to do make the effort. 
It may depend on how upset she will be about the divorce and how her mental issues affect how she reacts.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

"Since our break started she has written me a couple of emails trying to dissuade me from leaving her. Even those attempts to show how much she loves me reinforce the fact that she views the relationship in terms of what she wants and needs. There’s not a single request for me to tell her what I need from her. It’s all about why she needs me and hollow words about how much she loves me. I say hollow words because they belie how she has treated me and disrespected me for way too many years."

My opinion:
Sounds like she is an exceedingly selfish person who remains in your marriage for the comfort and stability, not because of her love for you. In other words, she loves the idea of being married, not the actuality of being married to you. I'm sorry if that is the case.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

Jeffsmith35 said:


> "Since our break started she has written me a couple of emails trying to dissuade me from leaving her. Even those attempts to show how much she loves me reinforce the fact that she views the relationship in terms of what she wants and needs. There’s not a single request for me to tell her what I need from her. It’s all about why she needs me and hollow words about how much she loves me. I say hollow words because they belie how she has treated me and disrespected me for way too many years."
> 
> My opinion:
> Sounds like she is an exceedingly selfish person who remains in your marriage for the comfort and stability, not because of her love for you. In other words, she loves the idea of being married, not the actuality of being married to you. I'm sorry if that is the case.


Thanks. I think she actually does "love" me in her way. It's just that her way hasn't been and doesn't show signs of ever becoming the kind of love that fulfills me and helps me feel like we are in this life together. I really just want to free myself of any of the burden that accompanies what we have been living with all these years.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

aaronj said:


> Thanks. I think she actually does "love" me in her way. It's just that her way hasn't been and doesn't show signs of ever becoming the kind of love that fulfills me and helps me feel like we are in this life together. I really just want to free myself of any of the burden that accompanies what we have been living with all these years.


Was it different, in the beginning?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Why does she resent you and disrespect you? What have you done? And you do realise she is mentally ill, right?


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

I stayed married and lived separately for almost 4 years, then divorced, then spouse died. We did this because of money. Biggest waste of 4 years. I'm 63 and I wish I would of done it differently but money scares you at our ages. Will I have enough to support myself if I get sick is the number one question my financial advisor tells me. If you have assets, average cost is $250K. That's basically 2 years in the home, as we call it.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

Jeffsmith35 said:


> Was it different, in the beginning?


I thought so for awhile but, looking back, I can more clearly see the same patterns that emerged with greater force in our middle and later marriage years. I almost left in the 3rd year, as we were both finishing graduate school and it seemed like she and I saw the world differently in several ways. Fortunately (or unfortunately) we became pregnant with our older daughter that year and her mom died, so it locked me (us) in for the foreseeable future.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> Why does she resent you and disrespect you? What have you done? And you do realise she is mentally ill, right?


I think the disrespect is more for herself. Her resentments stem more from an inability to communicate and plan with me like a true partner in the marriage. She treated me more like the scapegoat for things she didn't like about her life or she put me in a no-win position: either say no to what she wanted and stand my ground (while trying to explain why) or relent against my better judgment and deal with the exact outcome I feared would happen.

It's hard to explain, but here's an example. When our older child was about four or five and before our younger was born, my wife came to me a few weeks before Christmas and asked if we could go to the Rockies for part of the Christmas holiday. Mind you, we lived in the Great Lakes region, so this would be a substantial trip. I tried to explain to her that we hadn't budgeted for such a trip, there was little time to piece one together in a way that we could maybe afford it (this was pre-Internet) and, besides, our families were expecting us to be with them over the holidays (at the time our child was the only grandchild on my side). I suggested that we plan such a trip for next Christmas and we'd have a whole year to save for it and arrange our plans. All she heard was I said no (again) to something she wanted and that I never gave her ideas fair consideration. This dynamic played over and over again throughout our marriage, even after we became financially more secure and could do some of the things she wanted to do. I think she posed such things as requests of me because it absolved her of any responsibility for making the decision. If I said no or not now, she could make me out as the bad guy in her mind. 

I do know she has mental health issues. Not sure mentally ill is the exact term I'd use. She is highly functional in her work as a college professor and seems to engage well in public. She doesn't run around looking unkempt or acting erratically. But I would say her mental state has declined in the past 10 years to a noticeable degree. That has been a weight on my mind in terms of the impact of a divorce on her.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

gold5932 said:


> I stayed married and lived separately for almost 4 years, then divorced, then spouse died. We did this because of money. Biggest waste of 4 years. I'm 63 and I wish I would of done it differently but money scares you at our ages. Will I have enough to support myself if I get sick is the number one question my financial advisor tells me. If you have assets, average cost is $250K. That's basically 2 years in the home, as we call it.


I certainly understand the concern about "will I have enough." I have even looked into long term care insurance in order to protect my assets, but see the pros and cons of getting it.

Sorry you dealt with four wasted years, but thanks for sharing your experience.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Don't just talk to an attorney. Talk to an attorney and your financial planner! This needs to be a team effort. They can work together to preserve as much wealth as possible. They can give you options depending on the time horizon. 

She has assets of her own, probably more than most of her peers. The fact she'd have to "tighten her belt" is just being an adult and realistic about retiring. The lifestyle you have provided over the years is more than enough compensation.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’ve read some background, you’re rewriting history and have led her along for the whole marriage. You give great insight into yourself, you know that? I don’t even think the driving issue at all is that one thing she did before marriage. 9 years of counselling!?

I’m not going to validate you at all and tell you she’s at fault. But I am going to agree that you need to divorce her and fast. Enough is enough for her. 

‘unfortunately’ we got pregnant??? But we were so different, separated and kept going back to her how many times? But kept having kids, she has mental health issues, I moved away, I wasn’t the father and husband I was supposed to be, I wasn’t emotionally available in her hard times (and she went through hell!! Where were you??) She has mental health issues, everyone says so, the kids don’t even like her and so on

I’ve seen this story written in more obvious ways, ‘we should never have been married, I felt pressured, we had kids, we did this’ and then all these years later they’re still not leaving. You’ve justified staying for 30-more years. So GO already!


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

Al_Bundy said:


> Don't just talk to an attorney. Talk to an attorney and your financial planner! This needs to be a team effort. They can work together to preserve as much wealth as possible. They can give you options depending on the time horizon.
> 
> She has assets of her own, probably more than most of her peers. The fact she'd have to "tighten her belt" is just being an adult and realistic about retiring. The lifestyle you have provided over the years is more than enough compensation.


Thanks. I met about three months ago with a financial planner, initially to revise our joint plan, but I did ask about a couple of scenarios if something should happen or we split up. I will definitely consult her again as part of this process.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

Luckylucky said:


> I’ve read some background, you’re rewriting history and have led her along for the whole marriage. You give great insight into yourself, you know that? I don’t even think the driving issue at all is that one thing she did before marriage. 9 years of counselling!?
> 
> I’m not going to validate you at all and tell you she’s at fault. But I am going to agree that you need to divorce her and fast. Enough is enough for her.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your perspective, but I didn't start this thread to ask your advice--or anyone's advice on whether I should stay or go. Not to mention that your peephole view of our 38+ year relationship and nearly 37-year marriage limits your ability to provide advice to me that is meaningful in anyway. But thanks for trying.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

aaronj said:


> I do know she has mental health issues. Not sure mentally ill is the exact term I'd use. She is highly functional in her work as a college professor and seems to engage well in public. She doesn't run around looking unkempt or acting erratically. But I would say her mental state has declined in the past 10 years to a noticeable degree. That has been a weight on my mind in terms of the impact of a divorce on her.


Yes, of course, mental issues is more appropriate. A person with mental issues who can function in society. I'll give you a slight different POV. It seems to me you are mistaking being highly functional with being able to act normally or rationally in everyday life. You are treating her as a "normal" person and expect "normal" behaviours. I'm sure she acts rationally in public. She has to. But she's been on anti-depressants for 20 years. Exactly like my wife. I don't have a solution, but maybe she was expecting a bit of support from you in the past, but you've been shutting the door in her face, forgetting her real issues. Like I did. I think it's a bit late right now to fix the issues. But maybe you should see the whole thing from a less judgemental angle. Yes, it can be very irritating, but never forget who she really is. And I do understand the impact a divorce could have on her. I am in the same position.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> Yes, of course, mental issues is more appropriate. A person with mental issues who can function in society. I'll give you a slight different POV. It seems to me you are mistaking being highly functional with being able to act normally or rationally in everyday life. You are treating her as a "normal" person and expect "normal" behaviours. I'm sure she acts rationally in public. She has to. But she's been on anti-depressants for 20 years. Exactly like my wife. I don't have a solution, but maybe she was expecting a bit of support from you in the past, but you've been shutting the door in her face, forgetting her real issues. Like I did. I think it's a bit late right now to fix the issues. But maybe you should see the whole thing from a less judgemental angle. Yes, it can be very irritating, but never forget who she really is. And I do understand the impact a divorce could have on her. I am in the same position.


Thanks again for your thoughtful response. I hear exactly what you are saying. For many years I didn't understand what made her "think that way" or "treat me like she did." I just felt like she didn't like me for long bouts of the relationship. And I think I have significant evidence to suggest that she didn't. I focused for a long time on trying to be a "better" husband. When that didn't seem to change anything, I became rather numb and started counting days until our younger daughter would be on her own, figuring we could part ways then. 

About 9-10 years ago we went through a rather intense set of experiences and I attempted to re-engage in a way that I hadn't for a number of years. She did too, up to a point, and then she sank into an even deeper hole. She went through new rounds of counseling and went through changes in meds. Things improved in some aspects for a bit, but they stalled and have not improved much over the past five years. We then attempted couples counseling for about a year and a half. That seemed to meander without any real progress, so we stopped that in 2017. 

In the fall of 2017, after attempting (unsuccessfully) in and out of counseling to engage her in deeper conversations about our relationship and to develop a plan for the remainder of our lives together, I decided I would write out my thoughts and questions. The letters I wrote were an effort to be clearly communicated, less emotional, and less confrontative than things could get when we talked about such things. She never responded. 

I agree that in the past 10 years I have become less accepting of her behaviors and more judgmental as a result. But isn't that reasonable at some point? If you feel like you have given it a real try, but things haven't changed, isn't it rational to judge the situation? How long would you (or any of us) put up with a spouse with a substance abuse problem who either refused or was incapable of addressing their issues? It is likely you would reach a point where you either need to resign yourself to being forever shackled to the situation, knowing it will likely never get better and could get substantially worse, or you would try to figure out how to move on in a way that minimized the damage it might cause to your spouse. That is where I am.

The questions I have been wrestling with since are "At what point do you say you have done all you can to try to make the relationship work?" And, "How do you balance your needs against your obligation to a spouse who needs you?" If I had been focused only on my needs, I would have left this marriage long ago. To be sure, I have contributed to the messy relationship we have. I think the difference is that I have, at least up to this point, been truly willing to change some of my behaviors, for the sake of the marriage. I don't see her being willing to change--and I am pretty certain at this point that she can't change, even if she wanted to.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

aaronj said:


> The questions I have been wrestling with since are "At what point do you say you have done all you can to try to make the relationship work?" And, "How do you balance your needs against your obligation to a spouse who needs you?" If I had been focused only on my needs, I would have left this marriage long ago. To be sure, I have contributed to the messy relationship we have. I think the difference is that I have, at least up to this point, been truly willing to change some of my behaviors, for the sake of the marriage. I don't see her being willing to change--and I am pretty certain at this point that she can't change, even if she wanted to.


I could have written your post myself. My "mistake" was not trying and understand my wife's condition better when it presented itself. I was selfish and only cared about my needs. But I didn't have enough information, because my wife was very secretive about it. Later on I discovered this was a trait of her mental issue. My wife has always refused therapy. She did try but always ended up stopping. She decided to get along in the marriage to keep me happy, whilst detaching. We got along much better in the last 15 years, only to discovered she did it for me. She's now stopped the sexual aspect of our marriage. In a way, separation or divorce will be a lot easier because she knows there is a very good possibility I won't stick around with no emotional connection. Still, knowing her mental issues it's not easy. I have no idea how she would survive on her own and I do feel guilty to abandon her when she is not well. But I cannot fix her and she won't change. I have contributed to this mess too. She is very magnanimous and mentioned a 50/50 blame ratio recently. Maybe it's 30/70, where the 70 is me. My grown-up children know about her mental issues, but she's been a good mother to them, so they love her very much and I'm glad not to be considered the sole responsible of our marriage collapse. All this to say I understand your dilemma.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think it is past time to get a divorce lawyer. Follow their suggestions for the split of assets. Make sure the lawyer is a good one and on your side.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> I could have written your post myself. My "mistake" was not trying and understand my wife's condition better when it presented itself. I was selfish and only cared about my needs. But I didn't have enough information, because my wife was very secretive about it. Later on I discovered this was a trait of her mental issue. My wife has always refused therapy. She did try but always ended up stopping. She decided to get along in the marriage to keep me happy, whilst detaching. We got along much better in the last 15 years, only to discovered she did it for me. She's now stopped the sexual aspect of our marriage. In a way, separation or divorce will be a lot easier because she knows there is a very good possibility I won't stick around with no emotional connection. Still, knowing her mental issues it's not easy. I have no idea how she would survive on her own and I do feel guilty to abandon her when she is not well. But I cannot fix her and she won't change. I have contributed to this mess too. She is very magnanimous and mentioned a 50/50 blame ratio recently. Maybe it's 30/70, where the 70 is me. My grown-up children know about her mental issues, but she's been a good mother to them, so they love her very much and I'm glad not to be considered the sole responsible of our marriage collapse. All this to say I understand your dilemma.


Thanks for sharing your experience. 

Like yours, my wife has been very secretive throughout our marriage. At first I thought it was a sign that she didn't trust me. I later came to see that the secretiveness wasn't because of me. It was because of her. No matter what I did or could do, she would never completely reveal herself to me. As I look back, I see how her lack of openness stunted the development of our relationship.

I certainly understand the temptation to determine how to assign the weight of blame, but at some point that calculation is irrelevant. At some point the only question is whether we can move on and, if so, how likely is it that we will be able to do so? 

Unlike your situation, my wife's challenges have spilled over into her relationship with our adult children. That saddens me. For both her and them. At the same time, seeing how they view her has strengthened my resolve. It has reinforced that maybe I am not at fault--at least not as much as I once thought.

It is easy (and tempting) to take on blame for what you did or didn't do for your marriage. It is much harder, for me anyway, to objectively assign responsibility for how you ended up where you are. I have been the "fixer," the one who solves problems and the one who tries to make things better. Only now, I am tired and I believe I have earned the right to focus on me for a bit.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

ABHale said:


> I think it is past time to get a divorce lawyer. Follow their suggestions for the split of assets. Make sure the lawyer is a good one and on your side.


Thanks. Trying to schedule a consultation with someone who specializes in late stage divorces, where assets and lifestyles are more intertwined. My (perhaps naive) hope is that we can find a single attorney to work for both of us. I guess the likelihood of success with that plan is to be seen.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

aaronj said:


> Thanks for sharing your experience.
> 
> Like yours, my wife has been very secretive throughout our marriage. At first I thought it was a sign that she didn't trust me. I later came to see that the secretiveness wasn't because of me. It was because of her. No matter what I did or could do, she would never completely reveal herself to me. As I look back, I see how her lack of openness stunted the development of our relationship.
> 
> ...


You probably are where I was 5 years ago. Withdrawing from our sex life was the final straw for me. I get it that I did wrong and didn't support her when she needed it, but she hid the extent of her issues from me and refused therapy. I think I underestimated the damaged inflicted when I isolated myself, from her and the family life, when I could not solve the problem. It was wrong, but I was in the dark. I understand you are tired. It is incredibly tiring. I'm exhausted. My health has deteriorated because of all this. I have decided that I will lead my own life from now on. She ignores me mainly now, anyway...  But at least, like you, I can count on my children. Good luck!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

gold5932 said:


> I stayed married and lived separately for almost 4 years, then divorced, then spouse died. We did this because of money. Biggest waste of 4 years. I'm 63 and I wish I would of done it differently but money scares you at our ages. Will I have enough to support myself if I get sick is the number one question my financial advisor tells me. If you have assets, average cost is $250K. That's basically 2 years in the home, as we call it.


That is what I am doing now, yes security is important. No point in being free and living penniless either, that is a whole other kettle of fish.


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## aaronj (Oct 20, 2011)

UPDATE:

Spoke with an attorney today. She believes my proposed split of assets is very reasonable and likely an acceptable if reviewed by a mediator or judge. She also indicated that I likely wouldn't be required to pay any maintenance since my wife has an income of her own, but that even in the event of a maintenance requirement, the length of time is often limited to three years. So, my willingness to pay beyond that would be a bonus for her. The attorney is going to recommend potential mediators if we want to start there before seeking opposing counsel. All-in-all, fairly reassuring that we could potentially resolve this under the scenario I had imagined--maybe even as the worst-case.


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