# Do you know who you are anymore?



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

I find being married, you mold yourself into each other and you lose your identity almost..... does anyone else find this?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

absolutely. i feel this way completely. at this point in my marriage this is what im dealing with.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

DameEdna said:


> I find being married, you mold yourself into each other and you lose your identity almost..... does anyone else find this?


Not here....
I am far too stubborn and selfish to ever have that happen...
:lol:

but seriously... I married much later in life ( at 48) and I was already formed and knew who I was.
I can see how that could happen but it won't happen here.


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## therealcabreezy (Aug 26, 2009)

My wife and I keep balance somewhat. There are times that she has influence over choices that are made..Choices that are made out of the character that makes me who I am. My personal opinion and again just me--Is that when you marry, you are willing to be flexible---It is situational I guess--If who one is is detrying them physically and mentally, then be willing to "lose who you are".

There are so many things that can be added here...If who you are keeps you on a computer 24/7 and does not allow time with your partner and they want that to change, then "lose your self"--it's damaging your relationship and your status. 

I am in no way saying you are an alcoholic or a Computer geek--just using 2 extreme examples.

Good luck!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Ny wife blames me for her losing herself. Now 15 years later and 2 kids wants to divorce to go back in time and discover who she is. She should know that she allowed her to become who she is and its not my fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poetprose (Sep 1, 2009)

DameEdna said:


> I find being married, you mold yourself into each other and you lose your identity almost..... does anyone else find this?



yes !!! I am in personal councelling as a result, but this usually only happens to couples when the one partner doesn't have a strong or healthy "I" to begin with....... 

at least that is what i beleive )


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

poetprose said:


> yes !!! I am in personal councelling as a result, but this usually only happens to couples when the one partner doesn't have a strong or healthy "I" to begin with.......
> 
> at least that is what i beleive )


That makes sense, about having a "strong and healthy I" as sometimes I dont feel I have that.

How do I find it?

Wow, counselling? Would love to try that. 

Might like to try life coaching. I think that might help me find "me!"


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Dame Edna,

Lovethe Auatraian comedianne reference by the way. I am going throuh this at the moment as it was one of thereasons we almost got divorced. One of MANY reasons. I'm still a little depressed but getting better with God by my side and pulling that extra bit of energy out to make things happen for ME, as well as doing what women cant help but be in a realtionship..

When you lose yourself the husband automatically goes, well that was your choice, but NO, women mould the family life, the home, the social scene with couples, buy the fashion, buy the food, style the home, create the life. When you are foccused on that, it become wh you are, even if you are working full time, just like a job can become who you are when you focus on IT too much.

I have projects. A cook book, a childrens book, extra treelance work that refelcts who I am. It is all in the pipeline and makes me feel great.

How did I remember who I am? It is the core you you that you need to re-connect with.. We all grow and change and evolve, this is life, this is the beauty of the human experience, but at your core is that same woman who was a child, who was a single girl, who was dating. Remember the spirit of who you were before you became lost, not "who you were" perse, because that is, in a way at least, fluid. Like for a while I regretted being a musician because it was such a huge part of my life, but then I realised it was the creation that inspired me, not necessarily the music itself. I'm doing a pottery course, and the aboved mentioned, and it feels just as good and reminds me of me. My advice would be to find what is at the core of who you are, and find ways to expressthat.

Cyber hugs,
Overit.


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

I hate to admit this but I do feel like I don't know who I am anymore...

My H never accepts me the way I am, He constantly want to change me. He criticizes me all the time, compares me with his ex and asks me to be someone that he wants me to be.

I do admit though that he makes me stronger but sometimes I feel so tired because I start not knowing who I am anymore. He often makes me to be someone that I am not and it makes me frustrated.


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## poetprose (Sep 1, 2009)

feylovelyheart said:


> I hate to admit this but I do feel like I don't know who I am anymore...
> 
> My H never accepts me the way I am, He constantly want to change me. He criticizes me all the time, compares me with his ex and asks me to be someone that he wants me to be.
> 
> I do admit though that he makes me stronger but sometimes I feel so tired because I start not knowing who I am anymore. He often makes me to be someone that I am not and it makes me frustrated.





> My H never accepts me the way I am, He constantly want to change me. He criticizes me all the time, compares me with his ex and asks me to be someone that he wants me to be.


Really that seems to be the song played over and over "He says he loves me but doesn't except me the way i am"

Which poves one of my many points about marriage, if you find yourself picking the other person apart all the time DO YOY LOVE THEM??? lol or some "IDEAL" that is your head

Personally if your partner doesn't love you the way you are, I'd tell him to hit the bloody road walking!!.... why should you have to suffer his complaints because HE is not happy with you 

He doesnt have the right to cirtize you, he should grow the kunahoona's and walk away , as it is him who is doing the damm complaining 

right? at least that is how i see it


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

feylovelyheart said:


> I hate to admit this but I do feel like I don't know who I am anymore...
> 
> My H never accepts me the way I am, He constantly want to change me. He criticizes me all the time, compares me with his ex and asks me to be someone that he wants me to be.
> 
> I do admit though that he makes me stronger but sometimes I feel so tired because I start not knowing who I am anymore. He often makes me to be someone that I am not and it makes me frustrated.


Is this my wife?? Well I have no ex's to compare to but it sounds like something that she would say.. Though my changing of my wife as she puts it was when she was a teenager and her mom said she needed it to this day. It was all for the best though.. Yet I can't ever live it down..


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## dailylife (Mar 25, 2008)

I have so lost myself long ago and I'm only in my mid 20's. My husband on the other hand just living it up with his "do what I want, when I want to" attitude. 
I'd like to do more things for me but don't know how to go about it or get through the guilt of doing something for myself. It sure makes for a depressing mood when you have lost yourself.


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

No - that is what happens to people who marry young and I cannot say this enough - for women who leave mommy's house and then move into daddy's house (their new husband) and never took care of themselves - you dont even know who you are in your 20's thus therefore - you mold into your mate. I have not. I knew I had plans for career, education, travel, friends, etc and I have my own set of friends and are not his and my own life equally with a life as a wife.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

srena200,

How do you work around this?? I am fighting this battel now. My wife lost her father at the age of 8.. She had to grow up fast which she admits. Then traded her mom for me her father. Now 35 is going through mid-life crisis. I don't know if I can save my 2 kids from the fate me and my wife dealt with which is losing the father figure in their lives. It will totally change them.. Due to my hours and days I will have a hard time seeing my kids..


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> Is this my wife?? Well I have no ex's to compare to but it sounds like something that she would say.. Though my changing of my wife as she puts it was when she was a teenager and her mom said she needed it to this day. It was all for the best though.. Yet I can't ever live it down..


Hi loving husband. I am certainly not your wife.  My H had been married twice before I marry him so he constantly compares me with his ex. 

In some aspects, I don't mind my husband changes me if it's in a good way but he constantly ask me to be someone who I can't be.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

feylovelyheart said:


> Hi loving husband. I am certainly not your wife.  My H had been married twice before I marry him so he constantly compares me with his ex.
> 
> In some aspects, I don't mind my husband changes me if it's in a good way but he constantly ask me to be someone who I can't be.


Yeah I can understand that. He is used to a certain way and probably likes alot of the qualities you have but would like a few from his ex's. I don't blame him.. Make the perfect wife for him.. Though it is wrong in the true sense of unconditional love. You must love that person no matter what. If your not objecting to his changes he wants thenits ok. If you resent him in the future then stop it now. Just remember if you allow it now you can't hate him later for it.. Just a little advice since this is what my wife does to me. Allowed it now hates me for it..


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> Yeah I can understand that. He is used to a certain way and probably likes alot of the qualities you have but would like a few from his ex's. I don't blame him.. Make the perfect wife for him.. Though it is wrong in the true sense of unconditional love. You must love that person no matter what. If your not objecting to his changes he wants thenits ok. If you resent him in the future then stop it now. Just remember if you allow it now you can't hate him later for it.. Just a little advice since this is what my wife does to me. Allowed it now hates me for it..


Every time he asked me to be someone that I am not. I told him that I can't do that and he is not happy with it. If I didn't do what he asked me to do, he always threat me to find someone else. I almost never complain about him, never ask him to be someone that he is not. I accept him the way he is. I just wish that he does the same.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

He never will I am sorry. You have to either leave or accept. I wouldn't accept. Its tough I know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

I have never in my life been happier and more my own person than I am now...I have the confidence of all my years combined and the love of a man that I would die for....Please, don't ever fear growing older....It can be the most wonderful time in your life...


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

I think my H's problem is that he spent his whole life trying to make his family happy and do what they wanted him to do, he still hasn't discovered who he is...is there something we can do to help him find himself? We got married 3 months ago and I think that may have pushed him over the edge and it's been a horrible 3 months.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

lola_b said:


> I think my H's problem is that he spent his whole life trying to make his family happy and do what they wanted him to do, he still hasn't discovered who he is...is there something we can do to help him find himself? We got married 3 months ago and I think that may have pushed him over the edge and it's been a horrible 3 months.



Talk to him and ask what he likes to do. Then ask him where does he see himself 5 years from now. See if ou can get something out of him that says what he wants. I live for my fmaily. They have ALWAYS come first and my needs second. My wife tells me thats cause of who I am and she isn't like that. Yet when I chose to have kids my life became second. My wife on the other hand became more selfish cause she lost even more. If your husband starts to regret his choices in life just try to work with him. He might open up. Sometimes what you think you want you really don't any more.


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## shelleyv (Aug 13, 2009)

Absolutely, i have lost my identity. my husband doesnt like the things i like so i find myself just doing whatever he wants to, to keep the peace. i am starting to resent him for this. i dont know who i am anymore and its because we are so bogged down with being mothers and wives, we lose ourselves. its such a shame.


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## jennifer22009 (Sep 19, 2009)

i use to know myself , now i am going throw divorce i dont know myself anymore !!!!!!!!!


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## jennifer22009 (Sep 19, 2009)

loving husband i want to ask u , how did u face that problem being divorced when ur wife asked u to do that !! 

i dont think it is easy ?!
cause i feel i am not going to handle my life without him??
please reply thanks


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Jennifer, LH is married to someone he's known for a long time, with whom he has children, and who he actually KNOWS. You've never lived with your husband. He married you after a month. And you can't handle your life without him? Honey, you've never had a life WITH him.


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