# Delusional husband



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

So we are separating. In a week we both move to different states. He still wants me to come with him. He doesn't want the separation, I need it. 
The more I try to get him to understand I just finally realized that he is sick in the head and will never get it. He literally runs away from conflict, and hard times. Sleeps in the hospital when times are hard for both of us. Doesn't want to address issues. Defends every bad thing he has done to me... like leaving me alone on Easter, like sleeping in the hospital, like going into work on his vacation. He twists it around and says why would he want to come home if it's too painful? Well maybe because your an adult and you need to address issues not run from them. He is now refusing to pick up the phone when his mom calls because she is devastated, he says why would I want to talk to her when she is like that? Well maybe because it's your mother and you love her. He has been running away from his problems for so long and they are building up so much and he still defends his behavior, and turns it around on everyone else. 

He told me today he can't believe how messed up things are. I said yea well that's what happens when things get ignored. I tried to explain to him that it's his actions, inaction, and lack of effort that is why we are here. That effort is a reflection of interest in you. You don't try, you don't care. He still acts like he is trying SO hard... he literally does nothing, doesn't even come home. He is delusional and there is no talking sense into him. I told him his actions tell me everything I need to know, then lost his actions. He tells me that he doesn't do what he wants, he doesn't have control of things and I don't understand. I mean really? You are a man, not a puppet. You make choices and your actions are your alone and no one else's. He disagrees. I finally realized that it's pointless talking to him because he is sick and delusional.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Wow. I just love how you play no role what so ever in this. I don't know any man that would rather be anywhere else but home when he has a loving wife. Sheesh. Maybe your to critical to him? I hope your fair in the divorce. I think he is going to find that he is way happier without you. Sounds like your problems are going to follow you.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Stang197 said:


> Wow. I just love how you play no role what so ever in this. I don't know any man that would rather be anywhere else but home when he has a loving wife. Sheesh. Maybe your to critical to him? I hope your fair in the divorce. I think he is going to find that he is way happier without you. Sounds like your problems are going to follow you.




100% 
I was probably too critical of him. I wish he communicated better back then so I knew the damaged I caused. I've apologized to him, and I fully take responsibility for my part in the demise in our marriage. 
Like I told him, we both are responsible for the down fall of our marriage. And we both need to work together as a team and dig ourselves out if we want the marriage to work. The problem is.... he refuses to work on the marriage. He refuses therapy, refuses books, refuses getting findmyfriends for all my trust issues that he has caused me, he refuses to admit his part, he refuses to admit he has done anything wrong. He tells me this is who I am and I know that I won't change and If your unhappy with me as I am now, then this probably won't work out. 

And sorry I disagree with you. He has issues, like we all do but at least I'm self aware. His parents are upset with him, he no longer has any friends, and now his marriage is ruined because he is unwilling to take responsibility for his actions. 

My husband loved to come home to me. Then he started doing ****ty things to me, and had bad behavior that he refuses to apologize for. Behavior that would make anyone mad. When I was mad, he didn't want anything to do with me, so he would sleep on the couch to punish me. Or currently, he wouldn't come home. I'm the 6 years that we have been married we haven't resolved 1 problem/conflict. And it's because he avoids them at all costs. He can treat me however he wants, with no consequence and I'm expected to be happy. And when I'm not happy, he punishes me by not coming home. Yea... I don't think so.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Stang197 said:


> Wow. I just love how you play no role what so ever in this. I don't know any man that would rather be anywhere else but home when he has a loving wife. Sheesh. Maybe your to critical to him? I hope your fair in the divorce. I think he is going to find that he is way happier without you. Sounds like your problems are going to follow you.




My husband is a passive aggressive narcissist. He goes where it feels good. So he goes to work where he is worshiped and adored. If his wife is upset because something HE did, he didn't want to come home. 

Marriage is suppose to be a team. Working together to make each other happy, to make life good. When times are tough, you stick together and support one another. He does whatever he wants to do regardless of me. And when I get upset, he is gone. 
Do you know what it feels like to wake up in the middle of the night and not know where your husband is? To then call him multiple times, sometimes he answers sometimes he doesn't. And when he does, he yells at you! Do you know what it feels like to be home by yourself all the time, waiting to see if your husband is going to come home to you or not, usually not. When you hear a car door shut you get excited because you think it's him but it's not. Do you know what it feels like when your husband doesn't choose you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If someone is a professional conflict avoider, there is nothing that you can do to make them become a full partner. You will forever be at a disadvantage because they simply will.not.cooperate. The only relationship you can have with them is one in which you pretend everything is ok.

And if you add narcissist on top of it, the marriage is doomed.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> If someone is a professional conflict avoider, there is nothing that you can do to make them become a full partner. You will forever be at a disadvantage because they simply will.not.cooperate. The only relationship you can have with them is one in which you pretend everything is ok.




Exactly. My marriage was "good" when I let everything go. Then his behavior got worse, and I was unable to let it go. When he was forced to deal with his behavior, his true colors came out. He is a taker. If it doesn't benefit him he isn't interested. I could literally be anyone. I was there for his ego. He never loved me, he loved how I made him feel.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I wish there was some kind of litmus test for this stuff before you commit to someone. The best I can come up with is to tell people to know someone as a friend first, before dating, because then they aren't putting on a front and you can see the real person. And to date for a good long while, so you can see how they act in times of stress, to give enough time for bad times to come around.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> Stang197 said:
> 
> 
> > Wow. I just love how you play no role what so ever in this. I don't know any man that would rather be anywhere else but home when he has a loving wife. Sheesh. Maybe your to critical to him? I hope your fair in the divorce. I think he is going to find that he is way happier without you. Sounds like your problems are going to follow you.
> ...


How do you know he is a narcissist? Has he been professionally diagnosed? Or have you spent too much time on WebMD?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Stang197 said:


> How do you know he is a narcissist? Has he been professionally diagnosed? Or have you spent too much time on WebMD?




My husband would never ever go to a regular doctor let alone a psychologist. "I have nothing to learn from those idiots". My husband is a heart surgeon, didn't you realize he is God? He also refuses therapy to help our marriage because he thinks they are idiots and he has nothing to learn from them. 
Whether he is a narcissist, or has narcissistic traits it doesn't matter. His behavior is unhealthy.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

All I know is that actions tell us everything we need to know. He would rather fight with me and disagree with me, and try to convince me that he treats me good then actually put work in treating me good. 

He hasn't slept in bed with me in weeks. He hasn't come home before 10pm in weeks. He hasn't tried to have sex with me in weeks. He worked every single day on his vacation, and even didn't come home multiple times. Yet he tells me how much he is trying. I try so hard!!! I do the best I can!!! I have no idea where he is half the time. Of course he tells me he's at work but who knows. I ask him to get findmyfriends so it will help my trust issues... nope. He flat out refuses. He literally does nothing at all


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> So we are separating. In a week we both move to different states. He still wants me to come with him. He doesn't want the separation, I need it.
> The more I try to get him to understand I just finally realized that he is sick in the head and will never get it. He literally runs away from conflict, and hard times. Sleeps in the hospital when times are hard for both of us. Doesn't want to address issues. Defends every bad thing he has done to me... like leaving me alone on Easter, like sleeping in the hospital, like going into work on his vacation. He twists it around and says why would he want to come home if it's too painful? Well maybe because your an adult and you need to address issues not run from them. He is now refusing to pick up the phone when his mom calls because she is devastated, he says why would I want to talk to her when she is like that? Well maybe because it's your mother and you love her. He has been running away from his problems for so long and they are building up so much and he still defends his behavior, and turns it around on everyone else.
> 
> He told me today he can't believe how messed up things are. I said yea well that's what happens when things get ignored. I tried to explain to him that it's his actions, inaction, and lack of effort that is why we are here. That effort is a reflection of interest in you. You don't try, you don't care. He still acts like he is trying SO hard... he literally does nothing, doesn't even come home. He is delusional and there is no talking sense into him. I told him his actions tell me everything I need to know, then lost his actions. He tells me that he doesn't do what he wants, he doesn't have control of things and I don't understand. I mean really? You are a man, not a puppet. You make choices and your actions are your alone and no one else's. He disagrees. I finally realized that it's pointless talking to him because he is sick and delusional.


Yep.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I try so hard!!! I do the best I can!!!


Believe him.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> All I know is that actions tell us everything we need to know. He would rather fight with me and disagree with me, and try to convince me that he treats me good then actually put work in treating me good.
> 
> He hasn't slept in bed with me in weeks. He hasn't come home before 10pm in weeks. He hasn't tried to have sex with me in weeks. He worked every single day on his vacation, and even didn't come home multiple times. Yet he tells me how much he is trying. I try so hard!!! I do the best I can!!! I have no idea where he is half the time. Of course he tells me he's at work but who knows. I ask him to get findmyfriends so it will help my trust issues... nope. He flat out refuses. He literally does nothing at all


Why do you keep expecting him to have the "aha" moment. He's not going to and you know that. His career will override everything right now and it will for years. You both are completely incompatible together right now and it's best to end this.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

honcho said:


> Why do you keep expecting him to have the "aha" moment. He's not going to and you know that. His career will override everything right now and it will for years. You both are completely incompatible together right now and it's best to end this.




I try to accept the way things are. I fluctuate. I am trying to be strong but it's hard. I'm doing the best I can. I have a terrible trait of believing in people, of seeing the best in them, of thinking people can change. I know I know, I'm stupid and naive and I am hurting only myself. Trust me I am aware. 
But when I see him, I see the man I fell in love with. The man who once made me the happiest luckiest women in the world. The man who I had a great marriage with until recently. And when I see a sliver of hope that he is still in there, I turn to mush and I open my heart a little, and the stupid niave, optimistic, little girl within me wants to believe in a miracle. 

He is my kryptonite. And I can't wait to get away from him so I can have a clear mind and start to heal.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Stang197 said:


> How do you know he is a narcissist? Has he been professionally diagnosed? Or have you spent too much time on WebMD?


Her husband is a surgeon and the god complex most of the guys have is staggering.They are right about EVERYTHING.You could be discussing anything from football to fluorescent lights and they will have an opinion on it and THEIR opinion is all that matters.
I have said on this forum before that I lived in an apartment complex very near a large Boston hospital and about half the residents were involved in the medical field.The surgeons looked down their noses at everyone else.One of my roommates was a nurse and one night a few of us were sitting around talking about music and one of the surgeons made some stupid remark and I was the only one who called him out on it.Things got heated because I wasn't prepared to treat him like everyone else did,then he really shot himself in the foot.He asked me how I could afford to live there and were my two roommates paying my rent.My friend Samantha (the nurse) quietly explained to him that I owned the apt and they were my tenants.He scoffed at this and said "another trust fund brat" and my other roommate got mad and bet him a weeks wages that my business made more in a week than he made in a year.He wouldn't take the bet and then made a homophobic remark about the two girls.Sam told him she would be reporting him to hospital management the following day and he got up and left.
When she made the complaint he denied it and all the other people who were there refused to say they heard anything.Sams job was made very difficult after that and she ended up leaving.
These guys think they are always right and everyone working under them strokes their ego.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I try to accept the way things are. I fluctuate. I am trying to be strong but it's hard. I'm doing the best I can. I have a terrible trait of believing in people, of seeing the best in them, of thinking people can change. I know I know, I'm stupid and naive and I am hurting only myself. Trust me I am aware.
> But when I see him, I see the man I fell in love with. The man who once made me the happiest luckiest women in the world. The man who I had a great marriage with until recently. And when I see a sliver of hope that he is still in there, I turn to mush and I open my heart a little, and the stupid niave, optimistic, little girl within me wants to believe in a miracle.
> 
> He is my kryptonite. And I can't wait to get away from him so I can have a clear mind and start to heal.


Correct me if I am wrong but you met and fell in love as students. This is not a real life dynamic, it's a very short period in your life with a regimented existence. It also provides clear achievable short term goals and assessments. Real life takes finesse, you often don't have assessments, goals take years even decades. I think your husband doesn't have that kind of thinking in him. I think you are clearly transitioning and maturing.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> My husband would never ever go to a regular doctor let alone a psychologist. "I have nothing to learn from those idiots". My husband is a heart surgeon, didn't you realize he is God? He also refuses therapy to help our marriage because he thinks they are idiots and he has nothing to learn from them.
> Whether he is a narcissist, or has narcissistic traits it doesn't matter. His behavior is unhealthy.


I always throw up a little in my mouth when I hear the TAM chorus: "get thee to a counselor," or "get therapy." I'd venture that 90 percent of the non-MD and non-PhD shrinks are charlatans, shills and frauds and the other 10 percent are just one step ahead of oggabooga medicine men. Even the shrinks with doctorates are suspect in my book, couldn't make it in professions with measurable outcomes.

You husband sounds like a frightened dog that's been whipped and now shies away from people. Clearly he shies away away from you. 

As for him being "delusional," and your personal assessment of his behavior as "unhealthy," you might consider this quote by Neitzsche: "And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

23cm said:


> You husband sounds like a frightened dog that's been whipped and now shies away from people. Clearly he shies away away from you.
> 
> ."



Yes he shied away from me, his parents, family, and friends. It's just him and his work. The only thing that makes him happy.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

Go ahead and vent...it's perfectly fine. There is a loss to mourn, its also okay to hope he will come around, either way you will be okay. Eventually. Hugs. All that lack of a soul thing can wear you down, and eats up yours. I didn't believe that, I'm too strong. But it does drag you down, and who needs it? Few narcs get dx. And even fewer get treatment, it's fake living and eventually all circuses must close. The whole wide world awaits, I hope it goes well for you. 


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The good shrinks with PhDs actually know how to measure outcomes... 

Has Dr. God given any indication this is all temporary? Hasn't the school or hospital caught on to his personality?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

john117 said:


> The good shrinks with PhDs actually know how to measure outcomes...
> 
> Has Dr. God given any indication this is all temporary? Hasn't the school or hospital caught on to his personality?




Why would the employer care? His performance is probably up due to working all the time and avoiding problems by sleeping at the hospital


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Stang197 said:


> How do you know he is a narcissist? Has he been professionally diagnosed? Or have you spent too much time on WebMD?




She just isn't blind


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## deepsouth (Apr 28, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> All I know is that actions tell us everything we need to know. He would rather fight with me and disagree with me, and try to convince me that he treats me good then actually put work in treating me good.
> 
> He hasn't slept in bed with me in weeks. He hasn't come home before 10pm in weeks. *He hasn't tried to have sex with me in weeks*. He worked every single day on his vacation, and even didn't come home multiple times. Yet he tells me how much he is trying. I try so hard!!! I do the best I can!!! I have no idea where he is half the time. Of course he tells me he's at work but who knows. I ask him to get findmyfriends so it will help my trust issues... nope. He flat out refuses. He literally does nothing at all


You gave the reason why he hasn't tried to have sex with you in weeks in the thread "Sex, given or earned?" You said you wouldn't have sex with him unless you were feeling it or he had earned the privilege. I'm sure you are right about him rug-sweeping the problems in your marriage but you've already diagnosed his issues as one who avoids conflict at all costs and knowing this you have set up the perfect storm. What you want him to do is deal with the issues and this is the very thing he doesn't know how to do. It seems to me that this should be your focus (helping him in this area) instead of being unrealistic in focusing on all of these other faults/things. He's not having sex with you because you've shown him that you are not interested until he's fixed himself so that shouldn't be on the list of your complaints against him.

I believe there is a Proverb somewhere that can be loosely applied here:

Pro 21:19
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

You may not be a contentious woman but the angry part might apply-- based on your posts.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

deepsouth said:


> You gave the reason why he hasn't tried to have sex with you in weeks in the thread "Sex, given or earned?" You said you wouldn't have sex with him unless you were feeling it or he had earned the privilege. I'm sure you are right about him rug-sweeping the problems in your marriage but you've already diagnosed his issues as one who avoids conflict at all costs and knowing this you have set up the perfect storm. What you want him to do is deal with the issues and this is the very thing he doesn't know how to do. It seems to me that this should be your focus (helping him in this area) instead of being unrealistic in focusing on all of these other faults/things. He's not having sex with you because you've shown him that you are not interested until he's fixed himself so that shouldn't be on the list of your complaints against him.
> 
> I believe there is a Proverb somewhere that can be loosely applied here:
> 
> ...



So, because her husband will not own up to the fact that whenever he visits the toilet the rest of the house is *not* treated to the delightful scent of fresh roses, she is a "contentious and angry woman?" :wtf:

That proverb wasn't merely lose, it was so ill-fitting that it fell to the ground!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I honestly think it's more a case of she's a strong, outspoken type of person while he's a reserved, withholding person, and the only thing that usually results from that is a husband who gets even quieter and runs more and a women who gets angrier and bolder.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I think it's the case of selfish husband wants to be supported through residency and now he is done so he wants to be done now so he can upgrade to a better women and not have to pay me out during the divorce. So he stops trying and doesn't come home but tries to spin it on me that it's me who wants the separation. While he doesn't come home, he's probably cheating on me who knows.!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I think it's the case of selfish husband wants to be supported through residency and now he is done so he wants to be done now so he can upgrade to a better women and not have to pay me out during the divorce. So he stops trying and doesn't come home but tries to spin it on me that it's me who wants the separation. While he doesn't come home, he's probably cheating on me who knows.!


Why don't you investigate and have some real ammunition. Pay for a PI to have him followed.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

turnera said:


> I honestly think it's more a case of she's a strong, outspoken type of person while he's a reserved, withholding person, and the only thing that usually results from that is a husband who gets even quieter and runs more and a women who gets angrier and bolder.


So true. Added to that the fact that emotional women tend to gravitate towards the quiet, controlled type and you have a perfect storm years down the road.

Sorry you're going through this, @katiecrna. At the very least, your marriage deserves his engagement. Withholding time, attention, engagement, and care is no way to live in marriage. The possible physical and emotional toll on you to continue to live with neglect is simply too great.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> All I know is that actions tell us everything we need to know. He would rather fight with me and disagree with me, and try to convince me that he treats me good then actually put work in treating me good.
> 
> He hasn't slept in bed with me in weeks. He hasn't come home before 10pm in weeks. He hasn't tried to have sex with me in weeks. He worked every single day on his vacation, and even didn't come home multiple times. Yet he tells me how much he is trying. I try so hard!!! I do the best I can!!! I have no idea where he is half the time. Of course he tells me he's at work but who knows. I ask him to get findmyfriends so it will help my trust issues... nope. He flat out refuses. He literally does nothing at all


From my point of view, you can hold your head up high. Regardless of what you or your husband may have done wrongly, you wanted to communicate while he was not willing to.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I've read some of your other threads and I'm sorry it's come to this. 

Doesn't his residency end soon? IIRC that was supposed to be the light at the end of the tunnel, right, when he'd be more free from his commitments at the hospital? 

Don't you work together? You said something in your OP about moving - which one of you is moving? 



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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

aine said:


> Why don't you investigate and have some real ammunition. Pay for a PI to have him followed.


It would probably be a waste of money.As I said earlier I lived beside a lot of medical professionals and the story's they told me about the fun and games at the hospital made it sound like the playboy mansion.The surgeons had their own private "rest"area and it was a right of passage for the nurses to get a booty call at any time of day or night.He is a cardiovascular surgeon with an ego of gigantic proportions.His sense of entitlement would seem extraordinary to us lesser mortals and he is always right.All the other staff cater to his every wish and nobody ever questions his decisions.As for his superiors,they actively encourage this behaviour because the buck stops with him and that relieves the pressure on them.


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## AlwaysIgnored (Jun 13, 2017)

I know how you feel. My husband doesn’t love me. 

We’ve been married fourteen years and have two kids. I might as well not exist in my own house. He doesn’t lose his temper or anything like that but he ignores me when I talk to him. He doesn’t even say “hi” when he gets home. He’s good with the kids and they love him. But he undermines me with the kids so even they won’t listen to me. My daughter is almost 11 now and she’s just like her dad and ignores me when I talk to her. I have to talk in a very loud voice before she’ll even respond and then she pretend cries and I end up fighting with her dad. 

It’s so bad that even his parents have told him it’s rude to ignore people and still he ignores me. I have to yell at him to get him to answer a simple question and he answers in that fake patient voice that drives me crazy. 

He hires people to take care of the kids and pays almost as much as I earn. I told him I didn’t want to go to work after our son was born because daycare costs were so high and I could take care of our kids better but he said he paid for me to get a graduate degree so I have to go to work. He even hired a live-in nanny without my agreement and now he fights with me if I ask the nanny to do a single simple task outside of the nanny’s “working hours.” We’re on our third nanny and all of them are awful. The kids get bumps and bruises with them and my husband always defends the nanny when I try to tell them to be more careful. 

He goes through the motions for our anniversary or valentines day but it’s just forced conversation through dinner then we home right after. We don’t have sex anymore. He doesn’t initiate and says he’s tired when I try. Then I see him watching porn in the middle of the night. I’ve tried everything. I asked him to teach me how to play tennis with him and tried golf and tried to buy him presents he likes but he always returns the presents and says he rather not play. We went to three different marital counselors and spent years in counseling but he spends most of the session talking psycho mumbo jumbo with the therapist and then nothing happens. 

I overheard him talking to his mom last week and she was telling him that he needs to be nicer to me for the kids even if he doesn’t love me anymore. He told her that he never loved me. I was shocked because I asked him many times before we got married if he loved me and he said yes. Now he’s saying he never loved me. His mom didn’t seemed surprised either. She said she knew that but he needs to make the best of a bad decision. I use to get along great with her but I was so mad at her I told her to leave my house. My husband didn’t even think there was anything wrong with what they did and told me to go calm down.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AlwaysIgnored, he's like that because you allow it. Get to a personal therapist and learn how to get your power back.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> It would probably be a waste of money.As I said earlier I lived beside a lot of medical professionals and the story's they told me about the fun and games at the hospital made it sound like the playboy mansion.The surgeons had their own private "rest"area and it was a right of passage for the nurses to get a booty call at any time of day or night.He is a cardiovascular surgeon with an ego of gigantic proportions.His sense of entitlement would seem extraordinary to us lesser mortals and he is always right.All the other staff cater to his every wish and nobody ever questions his decisions.As for his superiors,they actively encourage this behaviour because the buck stops with him and that relieves the pressure on them.


This has been our experience too. Our close friends are specialists and the opportunities with nurses/interpreters have ruined several marriages in our social circle. Several travel together for humanitarian work as well. Some of these doctors have been targeted by females who are relentless in trying to get their attention and time, including heavy texting during off hours, and catering to their every whim on these trips and at the hospital. Some women will literally throw themselves at doctors.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

AlwaysIgnored said:


> I know how you feel. My husband doesn’t love me.
> 
> We’ve been married fourteen years and have two kids. I might as well not exist in my own house. He doesn’t lose his temper or anything like that but he ignores me when I talk to him. He doesn’t even say “hi” when he gets home. He’s good with the kids and they love him. But he undermines me with the kids so even they won’t listen to me. My daughter is almost 11 now and she’s just like her dad and ignores me when I talk to her. I have to talk in a very loud voice before she’ll even respond and then she pretend cries and I end up fighting with her dad.
> 
> It’s so bad that even his parents have told him it’s rude to ignore people and still he ignores me. I have to yell at him to get him to answer a simple question and he answers in that fake patient voice that drives me crazy.


Stop doing this right now. Do whatever you can to find the willpower to end this cycle. Your husband doesn't care about you and you should not need him to hear anything from his parents to motivate him to treat you better. 

You have a grad degree and a career. Please plan to separate from this abusive man.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I would think it would be difficult not to have a god complex when you hold a living person's beating heart in your hands and know that you are the line between their life and death. I also would assume that there has to be an infallibility complex involved or one would second guess their every move wondering if their "mistake" would cause someone's life to end. He avoids conflict? If I was responsible for multiple lives each and every day I believe I would tend to shy away from conflict also and tend to gravitate towards avoiding any additional stress.

In a sense society does place people like him in the role of a god. They trust them with their lives and their loved one's lives. For me it would be impossible to handle unless I believed I was always right and superior enough to justify holding the line between life and death.

Your H may be a total cad but I cannot even fathom how he handles it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Jessica38 said:


> This has been our experience too. Our close friends are specialists and the opportunities with nurses/interpreters have ruined several marriages in our social circle. Several travel together for humanitarian work as well. Some of these doctors have been targeted by females who are relentless in trying to get their attention and time, including heavy texting during off hours, and catering to their every whim on these trips and at the hospital. Some women will literally throw themselves at doctors.


There was a thread on tam some time ago about a wife who left her husband and children for an affair.Her mother was completely on the side of the betrayed husband and couldn't apologise enough for her daughters actions.
That was until she found out the om was a surgeon and then her attitude completely changed,she loved the idea of having a surgeon in her family and encouraged the betrayed husband to divorce as quickly as possible.After a few months of course,the surgeon dumped the woman for someone else.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> So he stops trying and doesn't come home but tries to spin it on me that it's me who wants the separation. While he doesn't come home, he's probably cheating on me who knows.!


Please correct me if I'm wrong but.. 
Didn't he kiss another woman at some event or something? 

I could never understand why he couldn't admit to his wrongs, but if he was up to no good, that would make more sense. There are some types you meet in life who "deny, deny, deny" it's because they are such prolific liars. You don't need a good memory to tell the truth. 

Anyway, you're better off without him, you can do better. Stay strong.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> There was a thread on tam some time ago about a wife who left her husband and children for an affair.Her mother was completely on the side of the betrayed husband and couldn't apologise enough for her daughters actions.
> That was until she found out the om was a surgeon and then her attitude completely changed,she loved the idea of having a surgeon in her family and encouraged the betrayed husband to divorce as quickly as possible.After a few months of course,the surgeon dumped the woman for someone else.


WHAT the heck is wrong with people? 

I guess we know where she got her moral compass.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

NoChoice said:


> I would think it would be difficult not to have a god complex when you hold a living person's beating heart in your hands and know that you are the line between their life and death. I also would assume that there has to be an infallibility complex involved or one would second guess their every move wondering if their "mistake" would cause someone's life to end. He avoids conflict? If I was responsible for multiple lives each and every day I believe I would tend to shy away from conflict also and tend to gravitate towards avoiding any additional stress.
> 
> In a sense society does place people like him in the role of a god. They trust them with their lives and their loved one's lives. For me it would be impossible to handle unless I believed I was always right and superior enough to justify holding the line between life and death.
> 
> Your H may be a total cad but I cannot even fathom how he handles it.


No doubt that saving lives is a huge responsibility, but I admire those who can do it with a degree of humbleness. I don't care how gifted a person is at their job, if they can't be a decent spouse and parent, they aren't successful in their life (unless they choose not to get married and/or have kids).


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> It would probably be a waste of money.As I said earlier I lived beside a lot of medical professionals and the story's they told me about the fun and games at the hospital made it sound like the playboy mansion.The surgeons had their own private "rest"area and it was a right of passage for the nurses to get a booty call at any time of day or night.He is a cardiovascular surgeon with an ego of gigantic proportions.His sense of entitlement would seem extraordinary to us lesser mortals and he is always right.All the other staff cater to his every wish and nobody ever questions his decisions.As for his superiors,they actively encourage this behaviour because the buck stops with him and that relieves the pressure on them.


Like being an entertainer.


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## NotLettingGo (Jun 8, 2017)

To start, I'm waiving a white flag in this hostile audience so please don't shoot if I say something that goes against your personal experiences. Every profession has its bad eggs and the medical profession is no exception. As to arrogance, there's a strong correlation between arrogance and people with a higher degree of education and/or financial success both categories which doctors tend to belong. Also, I'm not sure which hospitals other people have experienced but I've never been to a hospital (and I've spent the last 15 years in hospitals) where nurses were not respected colleagues who didn't hesitate to speak their mind. They report to hospital, not to the doctors so the power dynamics are far from television portrayals. 

None of this discussion, however, has any bearing on the OP's situation. It seems patently unfair to attribute other men's failings to OPs husband simply because he shares a profession with those other men. From the limited narrative you provide, he sounds very lonely and sad. It also sounds like he's a young surgeon and going through his paces. Long hours and middle of the night calls are par for the course. It's a great deal of responsibility when you have a very sick patient trusting you and the buck stops with you. Your suddenly overwhelmed with your own helplessness because at the end of the day medical science is really medical art. The tools your taught are woefully inadequate most of the time but you have to project a bravado of confidence to your patients. It's a very hollow confidence. The experience of losing someone is impossible to describe. Even if you followed procedure to the letter, you spend the remainder of your life thinking "what-if." The responsibility of breaking the news to the patient's family breaks you on the inside. 

I sounds like you've tried to help your husband and should be commended for everything you do. I understand why you would be worn out, but if you can find it in you to love this broken, lonely man, it sounds like he very much loves you even when he fails again and again. 

As for other women at the hospital, trust me, when your still at work at 4 am, what you want most is a soft bed and a dark, quiet room. You have absolutely no interest in the middle aged, cranky nurses who are too tired to socialize. It's also a well known that nurses are strong women who scrub up to do a tough job and support their families and do not often have time to care for themselves. I'm probably going get in trouble for saying this, but they're usually overweight women of indefinite age who wear no makeup and dress in old scrubs. If you think of women at all during the graveyard shift, you think of your beautiful wife/girlfriend sleeping in your soft bed at home and how badly you wish you could hold her.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

There are a ton of very young impressionable nurses @NotLettingGo
There are a lot of nurses that actually go into nursing to look for a doctor husband. I have known some of them. The spectrum of nurses is huge, young and gorgeous to old and ugly. But I think we went off topic of my thread. 

I can't love a broken man that is manipulative and continually hurts me. It's not fair to me. What he can offer me is not what I need. I couldn't care less about money, he would do better with a women who wants money and to stay home and shop. This is not me. I need a relationship and a connection with my husband.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> There are a ton of very young impressionable nurses @NotLettingGo
> There are a lot of nurses that actually go into nursing to look for a doctor husband. I have known some of them. The spectrum of nurses is huge, young and gorgeous to old and ugly. But I think we went off topic of my thread.
> 
> I can't love a broken man that is manipulative and continually hurts me. It's not fair to me. What he can offer me is not what I need. I couldn't care less about money, he would do better with a women who wants money and to stay home and shop. This is not me. I need a relationship and a connection with my husband.


Then, you know you are doing the right thing.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> There are a ton of very young impressionable nurses @NotLettingGo
> There are a lot of nurses that actually go into nursing to look for a doctor husband. I have known some of them. The spectrum of nurses is huge, young and gorgeous to old and ugly. But I think we went off topic of my thread.
> 
> I can't love a broken man that is manipulative and continually hurts me. It's not fair to me. What he can offer me is not what I need. I couldn't care less about money, he would do better with a women who wants money and to stay home and shop. This is not me. I need a relationship and a connection with my husband.


When you stop and add up exactly what you are getting out of a relationship,sometimes the overwhelming feeling you get is that the negatives far outweigh the positives.If this happens you can either work together to improve the relationship or you can separate.Your husband is not willing to compromise on anything or help you deal with his passive aggressive behaviour.
It leaves you with very little choice.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

He's cheating and pushing you away. When my wife and I were in residency years ago, we worked long hours and were exhausted, but we still couldn't wait to get home and into each other's arms. It was like hysterical bonding.

I'm a surgeon so don't paint us all with such a broad brush. Even CT surgeons want to get out of the hospital and home to their wives. He has his reasons for avoiding you. Get out now before he makes you move to his podunk home town surrounded by his family. You will be very lonely and isolated there.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

This whole manipulation thing is exhausting with him. He's very mad at me because he says I'm the one who wants this, not him. I say I don't want this but he leaves me with no choice. He says well maybe if you loved me and were happy with me we can stay married. I say maybe if you took responsibility for your actions and crappy behavior and started treated me with love and respect I would be happy. Then he says I do treat you with respect... blah blah blah around we go.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

I've been thinking about you over these past few months. Your husband's behavior is just wrong. His avoidance is childish. Divorce and move on with your life. Don't move with him to his home town.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know you'll never end that argument. Just let it go. Start practicing "I'm sorry you feel that way." But be careful that taking away that manipulation tool (by not engaging in an argument) doesn't anger him and make him raise the stakes.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Stang197 said:


> Wow. I just love how you play no role what so ever in this. I don't know any man that would rather be anywhere else but home when he has a loving wife. Sheesh. Maybe your to critical to him? I hope your fair in the divorce. I think he is going to find that he is way happier without you. Sounds like your problems are going to follow you.


Yeah, sorry, I haven't read the rest of the thread but this is exactly what I thought on reading the original post. I don't know all the facts, but yeah. I think all women need to read a book called "How to Impove your Marriage by Not Talking About it" by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny. 

When women say "We need to talk about things", what you're saying to your husband/boyfriend is "_I want_ to talk about things, because it makes me feel a little better, at the expense of you feeling a hell of a lot worse. And after I have told you what an a-hole you are and how you have single handedly ruined my life by doing nothing, I will expect you to be grateful to me for putting you straight, as it is 'for the good of our relationship'". 

Sorry. I know that problems need to be discussed. But women need need NEED to understand, that emotions to men are like sex to women - you can't just berate them into it. You need foreplay, aftercare etc etc.


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