# Totally Alone In A Full House



## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

It has been about six weeks now since my husband has moved out and I can't believe I am still functioning. He comes to the house quite a bit and we are trying to work on things but they are building up so fast I have no clue how we are going to work this out. He has moved into an apartment, he signed a six month lease on the apartment and he has rented furniture in case things do work out we won't have all this extra furniture to deal with. Our monthly expenses have now gone up by about 2,500.00 a month and I am supposed to figure out how to pay for this, deal with him leaving, take care of our three kids and deal with this total heartbreak all on my own. I can hardly think straight let alone try and deal with everything that is going on. Not to mention that he does not want anyone to know so I have not been able to tell anyone, I have no one to talk to except for this chatroom.

I find that I am fighting with my 16 year old on a daily basis now and I am so depressed over this on top of the separation I don't know how to deal with all of this??? My daughter and I have fought for days now about everything. We fought last night and it ended with me yelling at her that I have done everything I can to please her and nothing I do is ever good enough. We fought tonight and it ended with her telling me that she hates to come home to deal with all of this because she never knows what she is going to get when she does come home. She said she is tired of my mood, tired of my mood.....my husband of 23 years moves out and leaves me and three kids at home and she is tired of my mood???? I have no clue how to deal with her, or my husband. I told her we don't leave we deal with our problems and her reply was Dad left. How do you even respond???

He has been gone for about 6 weeks now and my son has stayed at his apartment 3 different nights, my daughter has stayed at his apartment one night and that was only because I told her she had to be in by 1:00 am and he said she could stay out later so she got to his apartment and crashed at 2:00 am and was back at my house by 8:00 am, my youngest has only been to his apartment once for about 30 mins. Am I a bad mother because I need a break??? I wish he would take all three of them for just one night, one night for me to sit and think in quite, is that too much to ask??? I feel like I am loosing my mind here. He is a great Dad and he has seen the kids almost daily since he moved out so it is not like he has abandonded them, he has been coming to the house almost daily to see them and go to their activities he just leaves to go back to his apartment alone every night. At first I thought how lonley for him but now I am thinking just one night of quite would do me so much good. I hate feeling like this, I feel like I failed in my marriage and now I am failing at being a mother. That was the one thing that I thought I was really good at, now I just don't know.

Has anyone felt like this or am I totally alone here?


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Hi separated, No your not alone, Everyone needs a break, your not a bad mother, you have 3 kids thats alot of work. You need to point blank tell your husband he needs to take the kids overnight, If nothing works out he will be doing it anyway so he may as well get used to it now, then he can see what you deal with daily. You should also tell at least one person you know, so you can talk about things, and have support. it helps to talk to people. I am sure my family is sick of me talking by now, but they would never say it. they are very supportive. My stbx only takes my son tuesday nite and friday nite, it isnt much but it helps, I only have one child a 6 yr old son, I never let him see my moods, I am pretty much always in a good mood anyway. your kids are older so they understand more, although for a 6 yr old he knows alot even without anyone saying anything in front of him. He already knows his father is a pain in the ass, see his father calls a hundred times a day to talk to him for 10 seconds, and my son wont answer the phone all the time, he says he calls to much. I dont ever badmouth his father(well infront of my son anyway) so he is doing great. 



I am sure your children are confused and hurt themselves. You cant only take your feelings into consideration, sit them down ask them if they need to talk, give lots of hugs. they need to know you are there for them to, you are going to be there security, their dad already walked out on them, so to them they see it as if it isnt working you just leave, so whats to say mom wont leave us to. I dont know if thats what goes through kids minds We try to live life the same as we always have. I always said from the time my husband walked out, if I spent my time miserable all the time and begged him to come home then in the long run my son would be ignored and he would suffer. 



I wouldnt have been any good to him if i was always thinking about myself. And I know its hard. mabey I am not normal, but i wont let stbx get the best of me. it isnt worth it to me. he wanted out so go, he got a gf and i mean it did bother me in the beginning, but i figured if he wasnt happy here then if it wasnt her it would be someone else. I dont want you if you dont want me. so you should really tell your husband to take the kids, all of them over nite the weekend, tell a friend and you and your friend go out and have a drink.


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

Kids don't see their parents as real, valid people with feelings until they become adults themselves. Or, at least, I didn't really begin to understand my parents until into my 20s. Your daughter is 16. She doesn't mean it, but she is being selfish - not in a bad way, but in a completely natural way. Whether she knows it or not, she is preparing to be a grown woman and thinking of herself only, and the fact that your mood is up and down (and quite rightly so) is messing with her head. Maybe you were too consistent before, and now you're all over the shop and she's confused. 

My parents stayed together until my father passed when I was 26, so I can only speak as someone who was 16 once and how the 16yo girl brain works. She sees you as her Mum, not as a woman who is dealing with a marriage separation. It's not that she isn't capable of compassion. If one of her friends broke up with a boyfriend, she'd probably empathise and help them through it. But your relationship is something she can get her head around. It wasn't until my 20s that I admitted my parents had sex more than twice (to create my sister and me), or that the love Mum had for Dad was anywhere near the unique feeling I had for my (then) new husband. It is only with life experience and age that she will validate your feelings. This is normal, and is no reflection on the kind of person she is. She's 16. End of story. 

Be honest with her. When I was 16, my father was suffering from cancer. Mum and Dad kept the fear from me and essentially blocked me out. I felt old enough to process the information, and yet they didn't give me the credit of being emotionally capable to process it and therefore to support them through it. Even when Dad had his final relapse when I was 25, I said to him "what can I do to help you through this. Please let me in" and he answered "what do I need you for? I have your mother." My point is, you are in a stressed, vulnerable state. There's nothing wrong with letting your girl know how you feel without the fear of burdening her. Does that make sense?


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## kittykat1b (Oct 8, 2010)

i feel exactly the same. I always prided myself on being a good mother and now I feel like a rubbish one. i have four kids and,although my mum helps out a lot I feel so weighed down by responsibility. My husband has moved country, barely sees the kids and doesnt support them financially. We were together 18 yrs and he met someone new after 7 weeks. He's off partying and living like a teenager whilst I am left struggling with everything. I am sick of it and I know that no matter how good a mother I am it's not going to make up for thefact that their dad abandoned them cos they are all at an age where they will remember. I am also heartbroken over all this and find it difficult to function.


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

Wow, I don't even know what to say. I wrote this what two nights ago and my husband just called my son and told him not to eat lunch that he was coming to pick him and my youngest up for lunch and a movie? I have such mixed emotions I don't even know what to think. On one hand I am so grateful to hear silence....not a word in my house but on the other hand I am so sad that they are gone even if it is just for 2-3 hours. My oldest is at the fair and she won't be home until tonight so I have a few hours to myself and all I can do is think about what are they doing, where are they eating, what moving are they going to see. This is just crazy!! 

I am also sad that he came and got them and hardly said a word to me. Since he moved out we have done most everything together, crazy I know but that is what it has been like. He has been at the house most nights and just leaves to go to his apartment to sleep, he comes over on Saturdays to do his laundry and watch college football with my son and then he is back on Sunday to spend time with the kids and play around. Today I asked him if he wanted to stay for dinner after the movie and he said no he had to get back to his apartment and do laundry and that he DVR'd the college game he wanted to watch and he would just watch it there. Why the sudden change??? I asked him if he wanted to come over later and get in the hot tub and he said no he would be tired? I am totally confused and have no clue what is going on now.

Not to mention what do I do alone for a few hours, sit home and cry and feel sorry for myself, run errands (how boring) or go see a chick flick (I would hate to run into them at the movies and them think I am stalking them). I have no clue what to do???


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, I am going to help you sort through this mess a little, as a guy from the other side with a stb-x who has 3 kids.

First things first.

This may suck to hear but:

_You are not entitled to a break under any legal code._

That being said, I would hope your husband would want to give you one. (I want to give my wife one)

Our whole "emotional dispute" in our marriage right now is coming to terms with what kids are:

An asset.

or

A liability.

I say. . .they are both.

Kinda like a house.

That is why you miss them so much when they are gone.

My stb-x has been lecturing me on taking them more, I am such a bad father that I don't want them all the time, I am such a bad father because I won't fight her for them, that I see them as an exclusive liability (can't work when I am doing child care). It's really not true that I see my kids as a liability. I know I am just happier and more energetic and well adjusted when I see my kids regularly. For my own selfish reasons, I need my kids as a father. That being said, I think it's appropriate to balance the disruption in their lives and minimize it.

But now, at the end, I have seen it "her way" and am requesting our 3 kids 50/50.

My attorney punched it and she may owe me child support.

Now. . .like you, she is coming to terms with the idea a house may be empty from Monday night til Friday night when she gets home from work.

But you know what? She needs to take a powder. I have noticed, like you, she is starting to come unglued at the seams lately. We went to mediation the other day about the parenting schedule and she said, "you pick anything. I just want a schedule." When I proceeded to pick anything, she picked it apart.

"You just want that overnight so you get extra child support credit."

"Fine, you want me to return that evening, I will."

"No, you want to just get off the hook from parenting then."

Lord Have Mercy on My Tortured Soul.

So, enjoy the empty house. Take a powder. Get a massage. Go to counseling. Exercise. Whatever you want. It's really okay.

You are adjusting to what every father adjusts to during divorce - displacement from you kids and now your husband will have to adjust what every mother adjusts to - being a solo parent.

Let your kids gravitate to who they need emotionally, if you are a few french fries short of a Happy Meal right now. It's really okay if they want to be with their father. You don't have to take it personally.


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

Scanner - I know he does not have to give me a break but it was nice that he chose to on his own without me having to ask. It was crazy though I was so glad to have the break but at the same time hurt that I was not invited to go with them. 

He took the two kids to lunch and a movie and the oldest was gone so I ended up with about 4 hours alone. I went to the movies and felt like a total fool that I was alone and crying the entire way through the movie and it was a comedy. Go figure.

I think I read way too much into his every move trying to figure out where he is coming from and what is going on. Today I asked him if he wanted to come back to the house after the kids went to bed so we could have a bottle of wine and get in the hot tub, he said no he was too tired and was gonig to go back to his apartment and rest. Later this evening a friend of his came over and said they were about to go out and get a beer. I was very hurt, he was too tired to get into the hot tub with me but was fine with going out with one of his guy friends. Why am I reading so much into this??? I sent him a text two hours ago and he has not answered yet. why???? We are supposed to take the motorcycle out for a morning ride and for breakfast but I he has not yet told me what time he is picking me up, I am not going to text him or call him again so what do I do, when do I get ready. I can't stand this!!!

Why is this happening to me, to us??


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Separatedmomof3, I wonder if you’re taking the best approach by inviting your husband into the hot tub with you? I reckon he knows he can have intimacy with you, so I don’t think that’s his problem. Perhaps it’s best to leave that side of your relationship alone for a while?

How’s your husband’s life in general? How much do you know about his work situation and things like that? Sounds like his in a bit of a crisis and has moved out to “let” go of some of his responsibilities. Sometimes we get overwhelmed, just like you are right now. He may well be having a mid life crisis and you may like to research it, it’s well known and there is a lot of information available.

Has he been talking about “change” at all? Moving to a new location, change of career, things like that? Has he bought new clothes, changed his “style”, got a different hair cut? If you think it is a mid life crisis then I suggest just buying a few books for him. We don’t always know we’re in MLC until someone suggests the possibility to us.

If it is an MLC then I suggest taking a logical and rational look at your relationship, just leave the intimacy out for now. Right down all the tasks in your marriage and note against each one who is doing what. And if you can and your husband is willing share what you’ve written with him and ask how can you help. I know you feel overloaded but I’m guessing he does too and someones got to take the initiative and lead.

Bob


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

AFEH - I invited him into the hot tub because that is a place where we usually have our best talks. We share a bottle of wine, a cigar and we can sometimes sit in there and talk for hours. Yes it almost always ends up with sex but I think the talking and finding out more about where each of us is coming from outweighs that.

I am not so sure about the midlife crisis? We own a business together and we work together all day 5 days a week. He bought a new truck but that was in January (he gave his car to our 16 year old so that made sense), other than that everything is still the same, haircut this week, same as it has been for 23 years, no new clothes style, other than the truck he is pretty much the same. He is not motivated at work at all, I blame that on what we are going through but it makes things very difficult because our business is totally supported by HIS commissions (I am not licnsed, I do the marketing).

Part of our problem as he says is that we were not initmate enough for him, I think that is one of the reasons why I suggested the hot tub last night since we have been working on that area as well. 

I guess time will tell.


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

separatedmomof3 said:


> I was very hurt, he was too tired to get into the hot tub with me but was fine with going out with one of his guy friends.


I'm sorry to say this because I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I am the 'leaver' and not the 'leavee' and if my husband said he wanted to talk right now, I wouldn't have the energy to do it. He probably chose to see his friend over seeing you because he doesn't have the emotional or mental energy for a talk with you. His friends wouldn't expect him to be 'on', or hang on every word, wondering what the meaning was behind it. His friends have no expectation from him.


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

Well last night was a very hurtful night. We had plans yesterday morning to take the motorcycle out for a long ride and then have breakfast and talk, he did not show up. I was up early dressed and ready to go and I got a text from him and all it said was he just woke up. He showed up at the house at noon several hourse after we going to go on our ride and said he had plans to take our oldest to lunch and a movie. I was very hurt that he didn't even mention standing me up that morning but he was there on time to pick her up. When they got home we picked up our son from a party and decided to have a family dinner, a family dinner, I was so upset we never got in any time all weekend for us to be alone so we could spend some time toegether and talk. After dinner he did stay and put our 4 year old to bed which was nice, she misses him. After that he sat down and watched tv until 11???? I finally had to say I am going to bed since I have to get up every morning at 4:30, I thought that was very rude and inconsiderate.

To the hurtful part...I always walk him out to his truck to say goodbye and hopefully get in a minute or two of alone time. We started talking and in the conversation we mentioned again that there were three main areas for us to work on 1) sex not enough and too normal and predictable for him 2) we have nothing in common other than the kids and our business 3) Not enough quality time for me and him alone. In the discussion he mentioned that we should pick one of these and see if we can make it better if not we should give up. He actually asked me if I was ready to file papers. Me ready to file papers....I did not move out, I did not leave my family, I did not call it quits he did. I told him I would never file the papers if papers were to be filed he would do it but that I was not going to give up on our marriage. I told him that he held all the cards it was up to him if he came back, it was up to him if everything that I was doing to make this work was good enough. He held all the cards! He told me I was a great mother and great person to work with but a terrible wife, wow how hurtful was that a terrible wife. I have worked myself to death for the past 23 years trying to make this a wonderful home and family and I am a terrible wife. He said that I put the kids in front of his needs, that I made the kids a priority and not our marriage. HELLO they are kids if they are not my priority whose are they. They are 16, 13, and 4 they are kids!! I am so hurt right now that I can't even think straight a terrible wife wow. I finally just said I have to go to bed and think about everything that he told me by this time it was 12:30 and I had to get up today at 4:30. I don't even know what to think at this point. I love him so much but I think he is over and done with this marriage and wants to move on. He even mentioned what are going to do for the holidays, I was shocked that he would assume we would not spend the holidays together with the kids.

So stressed I cant even think!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, remember. . .men do say things (and women too) at a certain juncture in time and then 1 year later, they can realize, "Hey I didn't mean that really."

So, I would take the "terrible wife" comment with a grain of salt personally.

A. He probably didn't mean it.
B. It's more than probably not true, even if he did mean it.

I don't want to "coach" you on what to do. But essentially, I got the same "message" from my stb-x (still do) in my marriage - "You're a terrible husband."

So I left her.

I would capitulate and give him what he wants - a divorce. But then again, that's just me.

I mean. . .who wants to be married to a spouse who thinks you are a terrible spouse? I know I didn't. He doesn't sound like he want to try counseling so I would start making a parenting schedule right now with all 3 kids, so you can hopefully get a break and he can solo parent on those days and digest the realities of divorce. If he thinks that is the answer, instead of reaching a compromise, well, he's in for a very rude awakening.

Because you know what the courts will say? It's all about the kids, buck-o. They don't give a crap about your drama as a couple. They just don't want the taxpayors burdened.

What other option is there? To try to be a better spouse by his definition?

Well, let me speak a little to that, cause I lived that - you'll spend the next (X) years of your life, trying to please him, trying to guess what's bothering him, making gestures, and you'll get no feedback in person - you'll just have a miserable spouse, with a miserable puss on their face.

And yes, tell him to man up and the first move is on him - you file the papers. He's the one unhappy, he's the one leaving. . .so he should be the one to initiate.

And no sex, if that needs to be said.

If you need sex, well, male body parts are a dime/dozen. 

I don't know. . .I see 2 types meander into this forum. . .one's who want out of their marriage and one's who want to make it work. But a marriage requires 2 consenting and involved parties. Like my spouse, it sounds like your spouse has checked out.

I would move on, if he doesn't want to try counseling or some faith-based intervention.

Good luck. I"m sorry.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

seperatedmomof3,

I feel for you. I too believe that your H should come home and work on the issue. I can also see his side. You admittedly place the kids a priority over your marriage. Also why are you avoiding counseling? Sometimes it takes a drastic measure to save a marriage. Most counsellors that I have seen have all said the same or similar thing when it comes to children "THE MARRIAGE MUST COME FIRST". By no means am i saying ignore your children, but without the marriage the family unit itself will not survive which in turn could traumatize the kids. 

You two REALLY need to get into counselling, before he takes you up on your offer of filing divorce forms.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

dbklman gives good advice too.

I know, I know, I know. . .I know the kids. . .well, they are Marriage Sabateurs. They can suck the life right out of a marriage. That's what always kind of amazes me about couples going through infertility treatments and their marriage suffering as a result.

I want to say, "Don't you realize that you are asking for something that really doesn't help a marriage?"

But you have GOT to put your husband first and he has GOT to put you first.

The kids will be gone someday with as little much as a "Thank you" and a "Goodbye." They are only a transient deep relationship you have in life. Your relationship will wane over time with them as they get their own spouses and kids.

Your husband will be there until death though.

My best man in my wedding and his wife really have it right. 

They frequently tell their kids to buzz off. And they mean it - "You are not wanted here right now!". They just don't make their marriage about raising kids. And they are good parents.

If this is what this is all about, then that's what you need to do. . .but. . .but. . .if this was his first move on this, begging him to come back and promising to be a better wife isn't really the answer either. Admit you were wrong in your ways but he has to come back too and stop with the terrible wife stuff.


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

Thanks Scaner and dblkman - I do appreciate your advise. I am trying very hard to put him #1 and let the kids take a backseat for a while but it is hard to do when we have a date planned and he decides to go out with the boys (and then tells me that he fell asleep on his couch and did not go) and then he does not show up for the next date??? How do you get around that? 

I suggested counseling this morning and he said if I wanted to go he would go but he would not talk about 1/2 of the things that are bothering him. He said he would not talk to anyone else about our sex life that it is something that should remain between us. What good would it do to go and spend the money if you are only going to talk about 1/2 of the problem? 

I think our sex life is the hardest hurdle that we have to get over, spending quality time and finding things in common are easy compared to the other issues. He says that I have changed and no longer am willing to do things that I have done in past. Yes, ok in our earlier years I guess I was more wild and outgoing sexually than I am now but being more reserved now is not something that I woke up one day and said no way....not anymore, it happened over time. I think things changed gradually over the 23 years we have been married.  We have three kids, our first came very easily and our second we went through major infertility treatments and several misscarriages (some with multiples) and then oops after being told we would never be able to have more kids suprise we had a third. I think with all that my body and my mind has gone through with the above it is easy to see why things have changed. He says if we cant work out the sex issue then why even try with the other two. He does not see a compromise he sees it as settling and he is not willing to do that. Am I wasting my time trying to make this work? I can't see a future without him, I love him I believe more than he knows.

A waste of time or not?


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

Well he left town today for three days on business and I am so sad that he is gone. Crazy, I know since he is not even living at our house right now. Who would have ever thought I would be in this boat?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I am divorced, after 25 years of marriage....You can look up some of my "Real World" threads. 

My advice is quite simple. He has to want this marriage. Usually, when someone WANTS something, there is NO DOUBT (from others) that they want it! If he doesn't show up on dates or is not receptive to working on the marriage, does he he want the marriage? 

From what you have written, it doesn't sound like it! 

Show him a strong, confident, woman working on herself. Work on a parenting schedule. Give yourself some time to have fun! FAKE IT if you don't feel it. Get busy! It will show another side to him. The worse case scenario, he doesn't change his mind. But, you get to work on a better you, in the meantime.


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

Date night last night turned into a disaster. We were all set to go to dinner and dancing and the conversation at dinner took a nose dive and we decided it would be best for him to take me home and for him to go back to his apartment. 

He asked me how the kids were doing and I answered honestly and told him what they have been saying and he did not like that at all. He said I should not have said anything about it because he now feels guilty and he didn't want to feel that way on date night. I was just being honest :scratchhead: 

He said he now wants a set schedule on when the kids come with him and when they stay with me he wants them 50/50. He suggested 3 days at his apartment and 4 at mine and then the following week 4 days with him and 3 with me. I hate to argue over something so minimal but I have never had to do this before and I think this is a crazy schedule, why not the same days every week or 7 days with him and 7 with me? 

We have narrowed down our problem to sex, either the issue is resolved with one of us giving in and doing what the other wants or divorce. He thinks it is black or white no middle ground. He left saying he wanted no contact for a week and at the end of the week he would decide if he can give in, if not he is filing for a divorce. Wednesday is his birthday and he said he would pick up the kids and they can stay with him for two nights and he did not want me to go. After all of this he sent me a text first thing this morning and we texted back and forth for about an hour, he came to pick up the kids today and ended up visiting for 1/2 an hour. What is going on, are we no contact or not no contact?


What schedule do most of you have with custody?
Are you contact or no contact?
Any advice, I am so lost??


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## soldierwife4kids (Nov 11, 2010)

Reading your post was totally shocking to me because i could swear it was me writing it besides a few things. I have only been married 17 years and have 4 kids. If you would like I would i think we can communicate and help each other out if possible. I havent seen you post for a few weeks so I dont even know if you still will get this one but I hope you do. Best of luck and I hope to hear from you.


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## manny1 (Nov 9, 2010)

where is his responsibility for the relationship. Has he put you first before other things? What kind of a husband does he think he has been any one who would critize you for being a bad wife is a very self centered and selfish man. Of course you are not the same as you were is he is anyone we get older our ideas change our priorities change. We have to be able to adjust to each other as we grow. He is the one with the problem if he doesn't want to talk about some issues and not others that means only 1/2 of your marriage will be fixed. In fact I bet what he doesn't want to talk about is exactly what he needs to talk about. You might need to give him a taste of what divorcde will be like and that doesn't mean seeing the kids and coming to the house every day. You need to get temporary child support if he is out of the house and not supporting you or the kids you have the right to get it and need a lawyer. Maybe if he looks divorce in the face he will see it in either a positive ar negative way and either way you will know. Good luck to you. I have been married for 21 years and moved out on my husband 2 months ago I am getting temporary child support and should be divorced next month. I have two teenage sons and I wish I had stopped trying to keep my marriage together long ago. Getting rid of him is the best thing I ever did. Don't let him set the rules for your separation you do it and itmight just scare the crap out of him or he will be relieved and you will have your answer about your marriage. Take Care


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## manny1 (Nov 9, 2010)

Custody question my boys are 14 and they are making their own decisions about where they are going to live You have two that are probably old enough to make that decision. They have of course chosen me Splitting kids up between houses sounds more to me like that is the best interest for the parents not the kids. I know two couples that tried that and the kids had a very difficult time adjusting every week esp when one parent has comletely different ideas on bed times haome work etc kids need alot of stability. My boys call or take calls from ther dad and see him or not if the kids want to see him . Sometimes they do and alot of the time they are too busy with their own lives and friends . They are adjusting very well by not being told where they are going to be and when. So really it is about what is best for the kids not the parents. Also note if you file for divorce you set the terms and he only gets to agree or not agree. Might want to think about that


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