# Well I tried...



## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

For those who read my other post, I tried. I took the advice, I bought the book, we talked at length. We seemed to communicate well and we had fantastic sex a few times. Them came the night before last. We were getting into it so to speak, and what the hell happens you ask? He loses his erection after his BJ. Completely, gone. I have rejected his advances since then, I can't deal with that again, it was heartbreaking. So I guess it's kiss bj missionary and back to watching tv for me. Rest of the marriage is great, guess I can't have everything. 


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I will reiterate:



badsanta said:


> Stop for a moment and consider how hard it is to try something new and having a predisposition to think that you will not be good at it.
> 
> An example would be me asking you at @Remee81 to perform magic acts and stunts. You know you are not very good and I get really frustrated because you are reluctant to do these for me all the time. So at some point I stop being your friend because you have become unwilling to do magic and stunts for me. I feel as though I have now asked too many times and you will just not give me what I want. So now I am not even going to bother to ask you anymore.
> 
> ...


A few exciting attempts and then the first failure just because your husband lost his erection:



Remee81 said:


> I have rejected his advances since then, I can't deal with that again, it was heartbreaking.


I would encourage you to remain playful and keep in mind that there are A LOT of fun things you can try with your husband without an erection. 

Did you know a man can still be highly aroused but yet his erection can come and go? Did you know that a man does not need to have an erection to reach an orgasm? Here are some ideas of what to do in case that happens again:

1) try not to make a big deal out of it or he will get performance anxiety
2) let him pleasure you manually with his hands
3) have a toy on standby
4) let him hold you while you have an orgasm, perhaps his erection will return
5) just enjoy a nice hug
6) give his penis a break from stimulation for a while and give him a backrub, then try again

... I could go on and on

The number one thing you should not do:

1) get upset at your husband when trying something new and he fails. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

badsanta said:


> I will reiterate:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank u, very valid points. I will say although I have shied away from sex since, when it happened I reassured him and was loving and we cuddled. I felt like crying because that's never happened before and I feel like I just turned him off, so now I am feeling so insecure about me it's not even funny. ☹ 


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Have you tried changing his diet?

_ In the Massachusetts Male Aging Study, eating a diet rich in natural foods like fruit, vegetables, whole grains, and fish — with fewer red and processed meat and refined grains — decreased the likelihood of ED._

5 natural ways to overcome erectile dysfunction - Harvard Health


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

jld said:


> Have you tried changing his diet?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yes he eats well. This has NEVER happened before except when he had a bad reaction to a migraine medication but then he couldn't get an erection. This wasn't the same at all. He had an erection, then after I gave him oral and we were....progressing he just lost it, gone. That and there have been no medication or lifestyle changes other than our sex life.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Remee81 said:


> Yes he eats well. This has NEVER happened before except when he had a bad reaction to a migraine medication but then he couldn't get an erection. This wasn't the same at all. He had an erection, then after I gave him oral and we were....progressing he just lost it, gone. That and there have been no medication or lifestyle changes other than our sex life.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It could be the beginning, though. ED has to start somewhere. And it could indicate heart disease, which can have serious consequences.

You said he is in his 40s, correct? Some men here have even had ED start in their 30s.

My husband is 50 and has never had ED. We have been vegetarians for the last 20 years. I think that is at least part of why he has never had this seemingly common problem.

Well, good luck resolving this, whichever route you choose. I am sure it must be frustrating for both of you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Remee81 said:


> Thank u, very valid points. I will say although I have shied away from sex since, when it happened I reassured him and was loving and we cuddled. I felt like crying because that's never happened before and I feel like I just turned him off, so now I am feeling so insecure about me it's not even funny. ☹
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Remee, you have to take the focus of you, it has nothing to do with you, Just enjoy the moment as much as you can. Stop putting pressure on the situation, the worse thing you can do for your H is show your angst, disappointment, etc. That is definitely a passion killer for him, just learn to go with the flow, and see where it goes.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

A very minor setback. If you want a fulfilling sex life, be willing to roll with the occasional disappointment. Biology and physiology WILL intercede at times. What you've described is actually to be expected when changing sexual dynamics.

Have a sense of humor. 

This fatalistic attitude over a small (no pun intended) issue is very counterproductive! Focus on what you've accomplished!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My husband had ED for years. We would start fooling around and the minute I touched his penis his erecction died. For years! Together, we made every mistake a couple could possibly make in how we dealt with it. So I am speaking from direct, painful experience.

Once ED happens, it wil happen again. It is nearly always anxiety based. Even if it begins as a result of a medical issue like hypertension, it reoccurs because he is anxious about getting and keeping an erection. Failure (to keep an erection) breeds more failure (to keep an erection)

1. When it happens, keep going. Keep engaging in sex play that doesn't require an erection. Don't try to get him hard again because that puts the spotlitight on his penis and lack of erection.

2. If his erection doesn't come back at all, and you've been satisfied enough, ask him if he wants a hand job to finish him off. He can still ejaculate even if his penis isn't erect. Make the hand job sensual and loving, tease him a bit and make it playful. The reason a handjob is better than a blow job in this instance is because it is less intimate, less pressure. "Honey, I heard a man can stilll ejaculate even if he doesn't have an erection. Lemme see if it's true." Not, "can you do this" or "can we try this" because you want to "de-personalize" his lack of erection. It isn't him. It isn't you. It's his naughty penis and he has no control over his erection.

If it happens a few times, he should get a script for viagra. Failure breeds failure, success breeds success.

Get toys that can replace his erection and make them part of sex play every time. We had several dildos that he would use on me, because I can, do and love the orgasm from penetration. But if you don't orgasm from penetration, and most women don't, then you'll be content without dildos and can stick with clit play alone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remee81 said:


> For those who read my other post, I tried. I took the advice, I bought the book, we talked at length. We seemed to communicate well and we had fantastic sex a few times. Them came the night before last. We were getting into it so to speak, and what the hell happens you ask? He loses his erection after his BJ. Completely, gone. I have rejected his advances since then, I can't deal with that again, it was heartbreaking. So I guess it's kiss bj missionary and back to watching tv for me. Rest of the marriage is great, guess I can't have everything.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


How old is he?


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## OldManMage (Jun 6, 2017)

Remee81 said:


> We were getting into it so to speak, and what the hell happens you ask? He loses his erection after his BJ. Completely, gone. I have rejected his advances since then, I can't deal with that again, it was heartbreaking.


As a guy who only recently started having issues like this (due to anxiety,) PLEASE don't do this. Don't think it's you. Don't think it's him. It's his damn body, and sometimes there's nothing you can do about it.

Just take a deep breath and move on. If he reacts badly to this himself, just cuddle with him even if he seems withdrawn and turns his back to you. It's likely extremely embarrassing for him, and he's probably now wondering if this is going to become the norm.

How would you feel if you were very turned on but for whatever reason were dry, he notices and refuses your sexual advances after that? (Most guys would just reach for KY, but you know it might happen in an alternate universe somewhere...)


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Remee81 said:


> Thank u, very valid points. I will say although I have shied away from sex since, when it happened I reassured him and was loving and we cuddled. I felt like crying because that's never happened before and I feel like I just turned him off, so now I am feeling so insecure about me it's not even funny. ☹
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Remee81, it is not unusual for me to get an erection and go flat during foreplay. It has nothing to do with my W. It is a physical issue with me. However, as foreplay continues my erection comes back. Now, you stated you performed a BJ and I would assume to completion? If so, it is normal to go flaccid. For me, if I received a BJ to completion that is it for my erection for a while. My sex kink drive simply shuts off like a light switch. However, I do take care of my W in any fashion she so desires. Oral or hand. 

Understand that not every sex session will be outstanding. Sometimes things just do not go as planned or we had hoped. But I can say that an awesome night of sex my W and I do a play by play as to what each other liked. Doing so assures it will happen again the next time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OldManMage said:


> As a guy who only recently started having issues like this (due to anxiety,) PLEASE don't do this. Don't think it's you. Don't think it's him. It's his damn body, and sometimes there's nothing you can do about it.
> 
> Just take a deep breath and move on. If he reacts badly to this himself, just cuddle with him even if he seems withdrawn and turns his back to you. It's likely extremely embarrassing for him, and he's probably now wondering if this is going to become the norm.
> 
> How would you feel if you were very turned on but for whatever reason were dry, he notices and refuses your sexual advances after that? (Most guys would just reach for KY, but you know it might happen in an alternate universe somewhere...)


I completely agree. You took this as a personal attack on you and it could be nothing further from the truth. You made this about you. A loving wife would have felt bad for her husband - his sexual prowess is his manhood - and comforted HIM. Instead, you rejected him. WTH?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Remee81 said:


> Thank u, very valid points. I will say although I have shied away from sex since, when it happened I reassured him and was loving and we cuddled. I felt like crying because that's never happened before and I feel like I just turned him off, so now I am feeling so insecure about me it's not even funny. ☹


 @Remee81 if you want your sex life to improve, you also need to be open to a one-sided experience. In the event your husband can't get aroused, you should still be open to sharing/enjoying your own arousal with him. 

Sometimes my wife and I might be intimate and she will tell me that it is just not going to happen for her and that I should just enjoy myself. She will make it a point to just focus on me. There are also times that I might get a little anxiety and it will not happen for me, but if she is enjoying herself I encourage her to enjoy herself. 

Obviously the logistics of sexual intimacy can be a little different when one partner is not aroused, but with a little creativity these moments can still be extremely exciting for both.

You also need to be aware of how you receive sexual validation. If you depend on pleasing your husband in order to enjoy intimacy for yourself, you are going to have to work on that. You will need to learn to enjoy him simply trying to please you or you taking responsibility for your own pleasure and sharing that with him. While that sounds simple, in practice it can actually be extremely difficult. So don't feel ashamed if you feel anxiety yourself during an experience where you try something a little different for yourself with your husband. Just be patient, relax, and remember to smile and laugh instead of getting too serious. 

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> My husband had ED for years. We would start fooling around and the minute I touched his penis his erecction died. For years! Together, we made every mistake a couple could possibly make in how we dealt with it. So I am speaking from direct, painful experience.
> 
> Once ED happens, it wil happen again. It is nearly always anxiety based. Even if it begins as a result of a medical issue like hypertension, it reoccurs because he is anxious about getting and keeping an erection. Failure (to keep an erection) breeds more failure (to keep an erection)
> 
> ...


*VERY WELL SAID!*

I've had some anxiety issues myself in the past. It can also be important to verbalize beforehand that erections and orgasms are NOT the goal of intimacy. It should be to make each other feel loved and to pleasure each other in the ways that you are open to receiving it. That might mean just a hug while nude with nice back rubs and conversation. Or it could mean acrobatic sex that might break the bed. You have to be open to whatever. 

I would advise you to have a discussion with your husband and ask him that of he looses his erection, what still feels good for him? Perhaps he just wants to focus on you, maybe he wants to try some form of tantric massage, or perhaps he needs a moment to relax and try again later. If you have discussed this before hand, this will give the two of you a plan for when it happens again so that you can both be confident in knowing what to do. 

Badsanta


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Remee,

BTW, it's claimed that females have as much erectile tissue as men it's just hidden away, and if there is no engorgement then no female orgasm either. 

So there may have been times you didn't "get it up" for your H or lost interest, but it just wasn't as obvious. 

Tamat


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> Remee,
> 
> BTW, it's claimed that females have as much erectile tissue as men it's just hidden away, and if there is no engorgement then no female orgasm either.
> 
> ...


Actually, we've got MORE! And more nerve endings too!

Girls rule!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

And a better blood supply to the reproductive organs too, hence the ability to have multiple orgasms, though often not for their husbands


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

turnera said:


> How old is he?




35


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Remee81, it is not unusual for me to get an erection and go flat during foreplay. It has nothing to do with my W. It is a physical issue with me. However, as foreplay continues my erection comes back. Now, you stated you performed a BJ and I would assume to completion? If so, it is normal to go flaccid. For me, if I received a BJ to completion that is it for my erection for a while. My sex kink drive simply shuts off like a light switch. However, I do take care of my W in any fashion she so desires. Oral or hand.
> 
> 
> 
> Understand that not every sex session will be outstanding. Sometimes things just do not go as planned or we had hoped. But I can say that an awesome night of sex my W and I do a play by play as to what each other liked. Doing so assures it will happen again the next time.




No it wasn't to completion. I did try to still kiss him but he shut down completely and we just cuddled and I told him it was probably because of stress/tired/work etc. I was loving toward him. He seemed very embarrassed and I didn't want him to feel that way and did my best to hide the fact that I wanted to cry because I thought it was something about me. Thank u guys ur responses are making me feel that it isn't.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I had a coworker who was 35 who died from a heart attack. It's not unheard of for a man in his thirties to start experiencing ED issues that have nothing to do with emotion or stress; i.e. no fault of their own. My H is a lot older, but for the past 5 to 10 years, I've known that if he drinks any alcohol, all bets are off; won't last. Or if we do stuff and then he does stuff for me, and we go back to him, he might not last. So I don't do anything for him anymore until right before we're ready for him to do what he needs. Does that make sense? We just have to time it right cos the days of hours-long sessions are gone.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

turnera said:


> I completely agree. You took this as a personal attack on you and it could be nothing further from the truth. You made this about you. A loving wife would have felt bad for her husband - his sexual prowess is his manhood - and comforted HIM. Instead, you rejected him. WTH?




No, read my responses to others. I said I didn't want to have sex after that time, but at the time it happened I was loving, reassuring, and we cuddled. He didn't feel rejected when it happened I have just told him I was tired or we were busy. I didn't say anything about the ed issue. He may still know it was that and that was wrong of me, but when it happened I so didn't reject him! I tried to comfort him about it even though I felt like crying. I may not have taken it happening the right way but I certainly wasn't cold to him I do want that clear!


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Anon Pink said:


> My husband had ED for years. We would start fooling around and the minute I touched his penis his erecction died. For years! Together, we made every mistake a couple could possibly make in how we dealt with it. So I am speaking from direct, painful experience.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Not sure about the toy thing, we haven't ever used then in our relationship, and never sure how he will react to things


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Remee81 said:


> No, read my responses to others. I said I didn't want to have sex after that time, but at the time it happened I was loving, reassuring, and we cuddled. He didn't feel rejected when it happened I have just told him I was tired or we were busy. I didn't say anything about the ed issue. He may still know it was that and that was wrong of me, but when it happened I so didn't reject him! I tried to comfort him about it even though I felt like crying. I may not have taken it happening the right way but I certainly wasn't cold to him I do want that clear!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


From your opening post:
"I have rejected his advances since then, ..."

I think this is where people are concerned with your reaction. Not your immediate reaction, but the ongoing response (or more accurately, lack thereof). This is what could contribute to anxiety which will perpetuate poor performance and thus we reenter the downward spiral. We applaud your initial handling of the situation--it's the longer term response that's truly difficult.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Remee81 said:


> No it wasn't to completion. I did try to still kiss him but he shut down completely and we just cuddled and I told him it was probably because of stress/tired/work etc. I was loving toward him. He seemed very embarrassed and I didn't want him to feel that way and did my best to hide the fact that I wanted to cry because I thought it was something about me. Thank u guys ur responses are making me feel that it isn't.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Ok, it is not his fault. Us men can not control what our buddy is doing. Visual, mental and physical stimulation make it grow in size. Sometimes none of the three will help. Hormonal or stress etc play a part. 

So yes, for me being a man, if I can't get it up it is troubling. Many things cross our mind. Getting old, needing to see a doctor. Embarrassed perhaps for needing a pill to achieve an erection. Or simply thinking ones sex life is over. 

Do not believe it is you. My W once that it was her when my buddy deflated like a party balloon. It definitely was not my W God given sexiness that made my buddy go flat. It was a stressful time for me. 

In the meantime, be there for your H and reassure him. Do not reject his advances. You work through sex problems together. Be mindful that one day you too will probably experience a sexual issue.

I will add one more thing, another poster asked if just providing oral or hand stimulation to orgasm is enough to keep a W. You see, this gentleman is in the same boat as your H. This may be riding on your H mind. He feels less than a man since his buddy does not rise to the occasion any more or just sometimes. Is his W going to leave him? Reassure your H. Also think about your sex life in the future. Are you good with oral or manual stimulation. My W 9x out of 10 get the O with oral or manual stimulation.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Remee81 said:


> Not sure about the toy thing, we haven't ever used then in our relationship, and never sure how he will react to things
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


My W is not into the toys either. She has always said I do much better than a toy could do. However, I'm not apposed to the toys. At then end of the day I feel more connected to my W when I bring her to completion manually or orally. These of course do not require a hard on as we know. :wink2:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remee81 said:


> No, read my responses to others. I said I didn't want to have sex after that time, but at the time it happened I was loving, reassuring, and we cuddled. He didn't feel rejected when it happened I have just told him I was tired or we were busy. I didn't say anything about the ed issue. He may still know it was that and that was wrong of me, but when it happened I so didn't reject him! I tried to comfort him about it even though I felt like crying. I may not have taken it happening the right way but I certainly wasn't cold to him I do want that clear!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You rejected him by avoiding sex. Men aren't stupid. And why would you feel like crying? Are you somehow tying an erection to desire for you? May want to do some reading up on the subject.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remee81 said:


> Not sure about the toy thing, we haven't ever used then in our relationship, and never sure how he will react to things


Meaning, you are no longer safe to him. He sees judgment oozing out of you. You're supposed to be a team and instead of working together to discuss it, you just keep out of reach. That's not a team.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

No unfortunately I generally don't feel satisfied without penetration, actually it's more important than the actual O for me (I know, weird). So if this happens again I will approach the toy idea, see what he thinks. I do think that it is important for me to make sure he does not feel pressured. So thank u for that insight. I love him so much and will do whatever is needed to make him feel secure and satisfied. That's another thing I felt bad about, he didn't have an orgasm. I love pleasing him.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

turnera said:


> You rejected him by avoiding sex. Men aren't stupid. And why would you feel like crying? Are you somehow tying an erection to desire for you? May want to do some reading up on the subject.




I know men can lose an erection for all kinds of reasons. He's exhausted from work, stressed about work or the kids or even because we r trying new things and he doesn't feel he's doing something right. I'm just incredibly insecure and am always afraid that after having three kids he will start finding me unattractive, even though he tells me constantly how beautiful and sexy I am. Never walks by me making dinner without a slap on the butt  even with my teenagers "ew dad!" Remarks.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Remee81 said:


> No unfortunately I generally don't feel satisfied without penetration, actually it's more important than the actual O for me (I know, weird). So if this happens again I will approach the toy idea, see what he thinks. I do think that it is important for me to make sure he does not feel pressured. So thank u for that insight. I love him so much and will do whatever is needed to make him feel secure and satisfied. That's another thing I felt bad about, he didn't have an orgasm. I love pleasing him.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Then it is best to talk about the issue. Speak plainly. See a doctor. And at this juncture, talk about your future together as H and W. As sexual partners. Time is crafty bastard. ED and menopause are our future. It is a given. How we handle it makes the difference to a wonderful lasting marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remee81 said:


> No unfortunately I generally don't feel satisfied without penetration, actually it's more important than the actual O for me (I know, weird). So if this happens again I will approach the toy idea, see what he thinks. I do think that it is important for me to make sure he does not feel pressured. So thank u for that insight. I love him so much and will do whatever is needed to make him feel secure and satisfied. That's another thing I felt bad about, he didn't have an orgasm. I love pleasing him.


Remee, something important to remember. Having sex with your husband isn't all - or always - about having the ultimate 'satisfaction.' It's the journey, not the destination, ok? EVERY experience with your spouse should be warm, loving, intimate giving of yourself to each other. Sometimes we don't even finish cos we're ok just being together, you know? 

So to break your 'time' down to whether you're getting the ultimate O or the ultimate flush of happiness after you're done...well, you're missing the point. 

And HALF of having sex is supposed to be about being thrilled to be able to please your spouse. Not whether you ended up satisfied. Because you love him and you get just as much thrill out of seeing HIM happy as you do for yourself. 

This is not a dis. I just think you're not understanding the full picture of what this should all be like, and about. If you open yourself up to anything and everything, about being in the moment, your love for each other will only grow.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remee81 said:


> I'm just incredibly insecure and am always afraid that after having three kids he will start finding me unattractive


Ahhh, so now we get down to the REAL problem. If he can't finish, you instantly assume YOU are unlovable. 

What are you doing to get help for this?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

turnera said:


> And HALF of having sex is supposed to be about being thrilled to be able to please your spouse.


Agreed.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

turnera said:


> Ahhh, so now we get down to the REAL problem. If he can't finish, you instantly assume YOU are unlovable.
> 
> What are you doing to get help for this?


I was kind of thinking the same thing...

If there is one thing for sure that actually makes someone unlovable, it is low self esteem. Ironically I do not think this is something you can work on alone, as you and your husband have to work on your self esteem together as a couple. 

In the event he is suffering from low self esteem as well and you only you work on solving that for yourself, you will still find yourself challenged come time for intimacy.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

badsanta said:


>


How'd you get my anniversary pic?


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

turnera said:


> Ahhh, so now we get down to the REAL problem. If he can't finish, you instantly assume YOU are unlovable.
> 
> 
> 
> What are you doing to get help for this?




No I don't feel unlovable, I'm just insecure about my body. Then I went out on a scary limb and told him something I desired in bed that was new, this was very recent. So all that combined makes me worry he will have a bad reaction, then this happened. I freaked because I thought it was me, something I did, how my stomach looks, does he hate what I suggested and just doing it because he loves me...yada yada yada. My insecurities got the best of me, and I was disappointed that he put much time and effort into the evening, foreplay, etc. to please me, get me to orgasm, then didn't get pleasure himself. That bothered me a lot. His pleasure is more important to me than mine. I know that man loves me, he is the sweetest thing in the world and I am beyond lucky. I'm just human and freaked when I didn't know what caused the situation and I'm worried.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> How'd you get my anniversary pic?




How is that even there? Lol 


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remee81 said:


> No I don't feel unlovable, I'm just insecure *about my body*.
> 
> I freaked because I thought *it was me*, *something I did*, how my stomach looks, *does he hate what I suggested*


Doesn't sound like insecurity over your body to me.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Remee81 said:


> No I don't feel unlovable, I'm just insecure about my body. Then I went out on a scary limb and told him something I desired in bed that was new, this was very recent. So all that combined makes me worry he will have a bad reaction, then this happened. I freaked because I thought it was me, something I did, how my stomach looks, does he hate what I suggested and just doing it because he loves me...yada yada yada. My insecurities got the best of me


Just want to commend you for the way that you responded to constructive criticism from other posters. 

One way I handle stress is to joke about everything, including myself. It would be helpful if you and your husband find a way to laugh at yourselves if he ever feels pressure to maintain an erection.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

turnera said:


> Doesn't sound like insecurity over your body to me.




U conveniently skipped the stomach thing to bold there...huge thing for me after three pregnancies


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> Just want to commend you for the way that you responded to constructive criticism from other posters.
> 
> 
> 
> One way I handle stress is to joke about everything, including myself. It would be helpful if you and your husband find a way to laugh at yourselves if he ever feels pressure to maintain an erection.




Ty, I invite criticism when needed, otherwise what's the point? lol and yes lightening the mood is a very good idea.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remee81 said:


> U conveniently skipped the stomach thing to bold there...huge thing for me after three pregnancies
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No, I skipped it because you said you were ONLY insecure about your body, so I showed you all the OTHER insecurities you have that have nothing to do with what you look like. So you can tell yourself it's only about looks, but you're just lying to yourself. And addressing that stuff in therapy could go a long way toward repairing this rift.

As a point of reference on the looks thing, we've been together 40 years and I'm 90 pounds heavier than when we met. Does he like it? I'm sure he doesn't. But he still wants to 'do it' any time I'll agree to it. Most men aren't going to stop wanting to do it just because you look different. And I've seen many men come on here and say they look at stretch marks and such as points of endearment because that shows their history together.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

turnera said:


> As a point of reference on the looks thing, we've been together 40 years and I'm 90 pounds heavier than when we met. Does he like it? I'm sure he doesn't. But he still wants to 'do it' any time I'll agree to it. Most men aren't going to stop wanting to do it just because you look different. And I've seen many men come on here and say they look at stretch marks and such as points of endearment because that shows their history together.


Spot on. Married 30 years this month and my wife turns me on more today than on our wedding night. She complains about grey hairs I can't even see. Like you, (OP), we have three kids and the third in particular was very hard on her body. Now she's in full on menopause and shapes are changing. To be completely honest, from a purely objective point of view, I can see that parts of her anatomy are less perky than they used to be. But she's still hot as a firecracker and my attraction to her is so deep that any objective measure is meaningless. 

Let me reiterate:
Married 30 years this month and my wife turns me on more today than on our wedding night.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

turnera said:


> No, I skipped it because you said you were ONLY insecure about your body, so I showed you all the OTHER insecurities you have that have nothing to do with what you look like. So you can tell yourself it's only about looks, but you're just lying to yourself. And addressing that stuff in therapy could go a long way toward repairing this rift.
> 
> 
> 
> As a point of reference on the looks thing, we've been together 40 years and I'm 90 pounds heavier than when we met. Does he like it? I'm sure he doesn't. But he still wants to 'do it' any time I'll agree to it. Most men aren't going to stop wanting to do it just because you look different. And I've seen many men come on here and say they look at stretch marks and such as points of endearment because that shows their history together.




OK now I see your point thank you for clarifying! I clearly know that it's not just my my looks, there were so many things running through my mind when that happened but they all had to do with me. I should know better about the weight thing and the stomach thing, I really should. In fact I am 100 pounds thinner than I was when we got together and he has gained like 40 pounds. The fact that he has put on weight slowly over the years does not bother me in the least I look at him the same exact way I did when he had the flat stomach now he has a bit of a belly and I hardly even notice it. when I notice it I don't see it as a bad thing I love his body just the same as I did when I first started dating him. So yeah I should really know better because his love runs much deeper than looks with the weight-loss I definitely look a heck of a lot better than I used to. After I get my tummy tuck and continue my exercises to tone my arms and legs I guess I won't feel so insecure. Who knows, maybe I still will feel that insecure maybe I just can't be happy with my body.
I guess the bottom line just is that it wasn't a big deal, and to leave it in the past and move on. If it does become a problem then we will deal with it. He's only 35 so I really don't see this as a health issue, it would be fairly uncommon at his age. It happens but usually over 40 but we will see. If it is ED I don't want him to be ashamed about it, it's a common occurrence and can be treated. 


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Remee81 said:


> His pleasure is more important to me than mine.


I have often heard of women describing sex with men as if it were like driving a car. Some men are sports cars and others men can be more like riding in an old beat up family van.

Regarding whatever kind of car you might use as a metaphor to describe your husband... @Remee81 once you get behind that wheel, you need to drive it like you stole it!

Cheers, 
Badsanta










Regarding flat tires, that has never stopped a thief!










Just floor it and go for it!


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

badsanta said:


> I have often heard of women describing sex with men as if it were like driving a car. Some men are sports cars and others men can be more like riding in an old beat up family van.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




That's one way to put it 


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Remee81 said:


> He's only 35 so I really don't see this as a health issue, it would be fairly uncommon at his age. It happens but usually over 40 but we will see. If it is ED I don't want him to be ashamed about it, it's a common occurrence and can be treated.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Don't be so sure. My BIL is 37 is is low testosterone. It has proved to be an issue with achieving erections. He is now on testosterone prescribed by his doctor. It appears to help.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Don't be so sure. My BIL is 37 is is low testosterone. It has proved to be an issue with achieving erections. He is now on testosterone prescribed by his doctor. It appears to help.




Ty for the info, good to know!


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

On potential health issues, high blood pressure can cause problems.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Drive it like you stole it...classic!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Drive it like you stole it...classic!


Or is it ride it like you stole it? :grin2:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

For a lot of men desire and erections are not that closely coupled. Physical issues, and concern about ED can make ED worse. I've gone through phases of having ED issues, they come and go. Never had anything to do with lack of desire for my wife - mostly its simply do to stress. Once I was comfortable with the idea that there were other ways to please her, the problem mostly went away. 

If you are in a relationship with someone who has ED issues, I think the best approach is to always have other things in mind that you can do. Fingers, oral toys etc. Sex won't always go the way you want, but you can find ways to make it fun.


At this point you need to think carefully about how to bring toys into the mix. The last thing you want is for him to feel that toys are there because of his failure. 

My wife and I use toys, not because of ED (though that happens) but just as a general part of love making (at least back when we were having sex more regularly). Most men don't stay hard after they finish, so if they finish first, toys are a find way to give the woman hers. Or to pleasure her first. Or just for variety. We have everything from small toys for when she finds me uncomfortable, to (in the past) huge toys so that she could experience that (she found the novelty fun, but eventually decided that normal sized was best). There are vibrating toys, g-spot targeting ones etc.

The question for you is how to bring it up now. Does he have any kinks? Would he enjoy your putting on a show for him with a toy?


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

uhtred said:


> For a lot of men desire and erections are not that closely coupled. Physical issues, and concern about ED can make ED worse. I've gone through phases of having ED issues, they come and go. Never had anything to do with lack of desire for my wife - mostly its simply do to stress. Once I was comfortable with the idea that there were other ways to please her, the problem mostly went away.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He has mentioned that he liked watching me masturbate, and had me do so for him, so I think he may find that arousing. I will be careful about how to bring it up. I don't want him to think I want a replacement.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Remee81 said:


> He has mentioned that he liked watching me masturbate, and had me do so for him, so I think he may find that arousing. I will be careful about how to bring it up. I don't want him to think I want a replacement.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


AS far as I can tell, pretty much every man loves this. If he has already told you he likes this, I doubt you have anything to worry about in that regard. The few times my wife did this early on in our marriage my response was instant, strong, and undeniable. Were she to do it today (please, please!), I'm sure the effect would be no less pronounced.

If nothing else, you may find this to be a useful diagnostic tool. Since you know going in that that turns him on, if you give it a whirl and it doesn't have the desired effect, that would be further confirmation that there is indeed something wrong, either physical or mental, and you can seek appropriate treatment.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OK, if you are comfortable doing it, that gives you a great way to introduce toys. 

Start giving him a show with just fingers. Then bring out a toy - and vibrator if that helps and get yourself off in front of him. He'll probably love it, and it introduces a toy as something you are doing to arouse / please him. Then bringing up the idea of his using it on you (not as a substitute for sex, but just as a fun naughty thing to do) would work. 

Don't make it at all about ED, make it about a bit of naughty fun.







Remee81 said:


> He has mentioned that he liked watching me masturbate, and had me do so for him, so I think he may find that arousing. I will be careful about how to bring it up. I don't want him to think I want a replacement.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you can find this book, get it. It's a set of invitations for sex 'events.' From mild to kinky, they are so successful and helpful because they put you two together as a TEAM, have fun together. Explore new things. And shut out the rest of the world.

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/52-invitations-to-grrreat-sex-laura-corn/1115861385


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

turnera said:


> If you can find this book, get it. It's a set of invitations for sex 'events.' From mild to kinky, they are so successful and helpful because they put you two together as a TEAM, have fun together. Explore new things. And shut out the rest of the world.
> 
> https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/52-invitations-to-grrreat-sex-laura-corn/1115861385


I've have tried a few of her books as she has some others that work in a similar fashion. To me it seems as if her whole experience for couples revolves around the elements of mystery and anticipation. As in you will have a surprise in store for you this time, but you will have to wait and see. If the books were to try and get a message across it would seem to be, "be creative and try to surprise your partner with something new on a regular basis." 

For those that are not good at being creative, her books have a good set of working examples for couples to follow that demonstrate step by step how to be creative for one another. Eventually one should no longer need the books, but for those stuck in a rut, it might be a good place to start.

Badsanta


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. To me, what they do - at least the one with invitations - is create an environment in which you two are alone, the only two people in the world, enjoying something nobody else gets to enjoy. In other words, just like you did when you were dating. And it's THAT that gets those PEA 'in love' chemicals flowing and gets you two wanting to hump like bunnies.

IMO, the invitation books works best because it's a hard, physical invitation. So it formalizes the event, solidifies it, makes it more real and less easy to sidestep.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> He loses his erection after his BJ. Completely, gone. I have rejected his advances since then, I can't deal with that again,


OMG, this has to be the worst thing i have ever heard a wife say about her husband in my life. Some poor guy has ED, he is TRYING hard to please her, and he has one minor failure, and she wants to bring in a special prosecutor. 

This marriage will be short lived


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> OMG, this has to be the worst thing i have ever heard a wife say about her husband in my life. Some poor guy has ED, he is TRYING hard to please her, and he has one minor failure, and she wants to bring in a special prosecutor.
> 
> 
> 
> This marriage will be short lived




Ten years going strong! he doesn't have ED, and if u would read everything said u would realize I wasn't cold or unaffectionate at all. My marriage will last the rest of my life, thank u very much. I'm allowed to be upset. I'm allowed to have insecurities damn it. Why do u think I posted on here? Don't talk **** when u don't have all the information.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> Ten years going strong! he doesn't have ED, and if u would read everything said u would realize I wasn't cold or unaffectionate at all. My marriage will last the rest of my life, thank u very much. I'm allowed to be upset. I'm allowed to have insecurities damn it. Why do u think I posted on here? Don't talk **** when u don't have all the information.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The intensity of the quoted post is a teachable example of how "sensitive" this subject is for men. (no pun intended). Our performance is really tied up in our feelings of being men. So in that moment the other night, I suspect your husband and you were feeling exactly the same feelings. Inadequacy, like a failure, like you didn't live up to the ideals of your gender and sexuality. This is why if you love him and he loves you, you must both continue to try, and if it doesn't work out you both need to be kind.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remee81 said:


> Ten years going strong! he doesn't have ED, and if u would read everything said u would realize I wasn't cold or unaffectionate at all.


You absolutely *were *cold and unaffectionate. Not immediately, but after the first night? Absolutely.

Remee, I get a pretty strong sense of immaturity, or perhaps naivete, in you. Like 'love is supposed to be A and B and never C' and he is supposed to do X, Y, and Z, and if we deviate from that, well, it's not love, and I DESERVE to fall down and weep for the love I'm not getting. 

This is the real world. In the real world, the guy isn't a white knight on a horse. He doesn't save you from the world. He isn't some god character who always provides whatever books you've read tell you he should provide.

He's just a guy, you're just a girl, and each of you brings your own set of foibles and eccentricities and health issues and FOO issues to the table. What your marriage then becomes is an amalgam of your COLLABORATION and COMPROMISE to get you both to a place where you're not 100% satisfied but you're determined to make each OTHER happy.

Have you given ANY thought into what it's like to grow up as a dude? How, when your body starts giving you hard-ons, this whole new world opens up and you go to your guy friends to discuss it, and you experiment, and you learn to judge each other based on what 'it' looks like and how many girls you can score and what your reputation becomes? And how, just like a girl wraps up her self image in her looks, a guy wraps up his self image in how he performs?

And how men usually feel helpless when it comes to a woman because they don't understand women but they hope to get it right enough that the woman will continue to choose them and not slough off (think cavemen/cavewomen) to another guy? And that, in their usually unenlightened brains, they equate sexual performance with WORTH? And how they then become hyper-focused on what their wife is thinking regarding their sexual performance, ESPECIALLY if they have trouble keeping it up, and at which time they worry even MORE about how their wife is taking it, and they literally count the days and the attempts and the turn-downs, to PROVE to themselves if they have become dispensable as they feared because they suddenly can't keep it up?

THAT is what your husband is feeling. And you SAY you can't believe your lucky stars but your ACTIONS prove that he is treated as just an extension of your life, how well YOU are doing, what YOU are getting out of life.

This is a turning point in your life. You have the opportunity to, well, mature. And improve your marriage. If you can't figure this out on your own, go to a therapist, who will walk you through it.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Actually, he says that you seem to have a problem. He says he's not a caveman and his penis is not his self worth. I am his everything and he is mine. He is there to save me, to protect me, and to love me. He understood why I felt insecure and didn't feel anything you said he was, u were completely and totally wrong. I was so pissed at what u said he demanded the phone, read what I said, what u said, and called u an idiot. He was just giving me time and then talked with me. So sorry, u couldn't be more wrong. U don't know my life, u don't know my husband. He happens to respect women, not see how many he could score. He's actually airways been a nice guy, not an *******. U don't know me. U don't know how long we have loved each other, what we have helped each other through. U haven't a clue. I think you need a therapist for your anger and superiority complex. Don't reply to my posts, your the opposite of helpful, I don't come here to be chastised I come here for advice, advice that has helped me, so to those that offer CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and help. I thank you. I have been through a lot in the past few weeks, and finding this forum, other than this poster, has given me insight I wouldn't have gotten elsewhere. It helped my marriage. I hope I can offer words of wisdom to other people, and get advice from anyone but the above poster if I ever need it. Now I'm going to cuddle with the love of my life.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

sokillme said:


> The intensity of the quoted post is a teachable example of how "sensitive" this subject is for men. (no pun intended). Our performance is really tied up in our feelings of being men. So in that moment the other night, I suspect your husband and you were feeling exactly the same feelings. Inadequacy, like a failure, like you didn't live up to the ideals of your gender and sexuality. This is why if you love him and he loves you, you must both continue to try, and if it doesn't work out you both need to be kind.




Thank u for your kind words. We think it was him being so tired from work, as well as work stress. He sat down and vented to me for a couple of hours, got stuff off his chest. I talked about my insecurities and he told me nothing could be further from the truth. Well, must be true because once that stress was off his chest and he had a couple good nights sleep 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Remee81 said:


> Thank u for your kind words. We think it was him being so tired from work, as well as work stress. He sat down and vented to me for a couple of hours, got stuff off his chest. I talked about my insecurities and he told me nothing could be further from the truth. Well, must be true because once that stress was off his chest and he had a couple good nights sleep
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Not surprised, I think most women would be surprised how many guys "functionality" is tied to our emotional well being. Thing is, we can't hide it. If we feel unsexy or just tired a lot of times stuff don't work.


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## OldManMage (Jun 6, 2017)

Wow, @Remee81 on behalf of humanity I apologize for some of the posts on this thread. Through the entire conversation I thought you presented yourself as very mature and thoughtful.

I also applaud you for letting your husband know you were on the forums discussing your marriage. If nothing else, coming here did the one thing you needed: an open line of communication with your husband about it rather than both trying to be mind readers.

Go have sex to congratulate yourselves


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

OldManMage said:


> Wow, @Remee81 on behalf of humanity I apologize for some of the posts on this thread. Through the entire conversation I thought you presented yourself as very mature and thoughtful.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you very much. Yes I thought it was important that he knew. He's grateful for the advice that we've gotten and that I had somewhere to vent. And yeah I don't know what was up with that person, I just let it roll right off, not keep the anger inside. Not worth my time. The rest of u have been great.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Remee81 said:


> Thank you very much. Yes I thought it was important that he knew. He's grateful for the advice that we've gotten and that I had somewhere to vent. And yeah I don't know what was up with that person, I just let it roll right off, not keep the anger inside. Not worth my time. The rest of u have been great.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Some folks don't bother to read through the whole thread and just respond to the first post. I agree that it is annoying as hell. I would disregard those posts unless there is something positive to gleam from it. 


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

You're "allowed" to have insecurities, but confidence inspires far more erections. It makes you a safe haven rather than a minefield where a guy has to wonder what misstep will trigger some unfortunate consequence. A woman who used words like "heartbreaking" and withheld sex after a single episode of lost erection would not make me feel terribly comfortable. 

If you want to masturbate in front of him, just go for it and assume he likes it. That's what a confident person does. Not second-guess his response, or give some awkward and possibly insincere-sounding reassurance about not "replacing him". If you're worried about sidelining him, look right at him and include him with your eyes while you do it. Or tell him some fantasy you have of him that gets you worked up. 

Same goes for the body image issue. Ladies, your stomach (or whatever part you obsess about) isn't what's unattractive; it's your insecurity about it that robs both parties of enjoyment. That furrowed brow and chewed lip, the zoning out and mental looping when you should be playful and outward-directed, the awkward self-critiques and am-I-fat? questions...THOSE are the major drag for us guys, not your stretch marks or whatever. We wish to hell you'd Just Stop Worrying and join the damn party. 

To borrow a phrase from Frank Herbert, Self-Consciousness is the Sex-Killer! Immerse yourselves in each other & what you're doing and don't let bumps in the road throw you off your game. A lost erection will come back sooner the less attention is called to it--just find something else to enjoy and don't focus on it by comforting, patronizing or reading dire things into it.


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