# spouse is a packrat - threatens divorce over scraps of fabric.



## redbarn (Dec 13, 2009)

I've been married for 20 years and in most areas, get along well with my wife. We both know each other's issues. I have an anger issue and my wife has a compulsion issue (which she won't admit to). We have been to 2 counslers, one of which told my wife to divorce me. That was 10 years ago. My wife was a work-a-holic, but she has since resolved that issue. My anger is very well controlled now - I just can't take getting angry anymore.

My wife has a problem with buying fabric at garage sales and packing it away in the house. We have fought about it in the past but I've taken the approach that as long as its in out of sight then I can tolerate it. 

Now its not like she's sews alot. She only makes something about once every 2 years! But she keeps buying fabric. We had an aggreement at one time that everything would fit inside the closet in the spare bedroom. But she has long since forgotten that and won't admit to agreeing to anything. The spare bedroom has the closet full of fabric plus shelves that are full of fabric. She gets this from her mother. My father in law built gigantic shelves that run the full length of their basement. My mother in law bought "stuff" and would then take it downstairs and throw the bag on the shelves, in the sack, in the package with the sales receipt still inside, all unopened. We were looking through it and found items all in the packages from 25 years ago - never opened!

Now the problem is my wife lost her job and my job is tenous at best. I have been VERY SUPPORTIVE and told her I don't care if she works and she should just enjoy her time off. At first she was ok but after 2 months, she's starting to get negative and depressed. Now she's loosing it and I'm getting very impatient with the continuing pity-party.

The other problem is we WILL be moving due to the job situation and, for who knows how long, be living in an apartment which will likely be half the size of our home. 

So we had a BIG fight today about it. I asked her to thin out her "stuff" several weeks ago. She always says yes she'll do it and then never does it. Today I got mad and she launched into to her usual arguing points about what a horriable person I am. I told her that moving into half the square footage is a very REAL issue and that she hasn't used any of these boxes full of fabrics at all!

Typically my wife will cycle though a standard list of things to attack me on during an argument, until she finds something that sticks. And when all else fails - I'm the bad guy because I'm the one who is mad - regardless.

So I get the usual punches in the arm (yes physical), and she threatened to divorce me because I'm the cause of all her problems. But today it really hurt me bad, because this was all over pieces of FABRIC. OVER FABRIC, that has been sitting in boxes for 8 years, she threatens to divorce me and she continue her punishment of me all day today.

I have never been so upset - its not like we are fighting over the usual clutter, we HAVE TO MOVE into an apartment. There is a REAL PHYSICAL square footage issue here!!! Its NOT ME, its the amount of space we will have!! And I get **** on for THAT!. For the first time I just about went to a motel tonight. 

She won't talk to a counseler either. Its just this ONE damn issue of her compulsive "gathering" of things that we fight about. We don't fight about anything else, not even money because she buys this stuff at garage sales for nickels or it is given to her free.

What do you do about a packrat spouse?


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Assuming you've approached her and the topic calmly (honey, we are going to be moving soon and there is no room for all the fabric. Do you have any suggestions about where it might go? I would like to talk to you about this without judgement or blame, but as partners who need to solve this very real problem... etc), and she still won't discuss it, I see only a few options.

1. get hard-a** about it and tell her she has until [choose date] to find homes for her fabric, and after that date you are taking it to Goodwill or a women's shelter or something.

2. She gets busy with her free time and starts selling the fabric on eBay. Any leftovers by move day are donated.

3. Take the passive-aggressive approach and just leave it there after you move. (donate it later, or something)

4. pay to store it in a storage space. May not be an option given the finances.

Really, the pack-rate stuff is a symptom of a larger problem. Depression, namely, but she's got a history of this and likely learned it from her mom. If she won't go to counseling, you should go for yourself, to learn how to deal with her. I wish you luck!


----------



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I'm sorry for your struggling. And for two goes at counseling, where one actually suggested a divorce. I think it is completely UNPROFESSION for a therapist to do that.

You could always just toss the cloth out.


----------



## Mogget (Nov 26, 2009)

OK... I am gonna wade in here with two separate issues.

1: she doesn't argue fair and that is wrong, but it is NOT about fabric it is about how she feels about you, how she feels about the relationship and probably how she feels about herself. You can strip her of every thread and those issues would still be there.

2:As a fellow fabric buyer and hoarder I can offer you a point of view you may not be appreciating.

I probably have more fabric than she does, plus craft supplies, plus art supplies, plus stationery products. I LOVE them, I do try not to by too much new stuff these days but I still buy t at a rate that far exceeds when I use it. 

Here's the thing though - I absolutely always INTEND to use it. For me craft and sewing supplies are so inspiring and exciting, I look at them and I am filled with creative ideas, and enthusiasm; they literally make me happy. Make me feel like I have potential. 
Make me feel excited.

The reality is I am not very good at sewing or crafts - and usually any effort I make is not as good as the potential I perceive in the raw product. The more unique or beautiful the stuff is the less I want to 'spoil' it by a failed attempt... no, best to wait till I improve, or lose weight (if for an outfit) or have more time or more space etc...

I would definitely not want to get rid of it, and would certainly not respond well to someone for whom my stuff has no meaning deciding how much I was allowed to keep. How could they possibly understand what it means to me?

My husband hoards computer stuff, cables, motherboards, bits and doohickies I know naught of - but he knows what they are, how they are used and what their potential is - how could I possibly decide what is important, or how much he can keep of his personal collection? To me it is just junk - untidy junk that trips me up and I get annoyed. I will sometimes beg him to tidy it away if it is not in use, but I would never expect him to get rid of it just because I personally have no use for it.

It is her stuff. If she is spending too much money then that is a spending/budget issue and is about her respect for you and ability to comprehend your financial situation, it is not about fabric. Address the issue and not the symptom.

If the space issue is severe ask her to make arrangements to store her fabric at her mum's house in the short term, or other rellies, or with some friends, (with luck she will never bother retrieving it), and in your new house have a designated fabric storage area that is hers to fill up as much as she likes... Put a shiny little plaque on the door that says 'Wifes Name's awesome stuff collection" or something - any bits you find out of that space just return to their rightful home even if you have to cram them in there, but let that space be hers for her stuff whatever it may be.

Just because this stuff has no importance to you does not mean it holds no value to her, of course she is resisting your desire to get rid of it - just as you would resist her picking out what she finds least useful and interesting (to her) that you own and demanding that you get rid of that.

Anyone who imagined they had a right to just get rid of my things, however little they cared about them would soon find that they had a lovely empty home and all the space they could ever want... don't imagine that because you consider it 'just fabric' that it is any less callous and disrespectful to throw out someone else's possessions. You would not like it if someone did that to you.


----------



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

There comes a point where you have to decide on 'fabric' or 'marriage'. I would tell her that when we move the fabric stays behind. There's really no choice.

One thing to consider is - why does the fabric have to stay stored in the house? There are craft shops and fabric shops that sell the stuff - just go get what you need when you want to make something.

I paint historical miniatures. I could be a packrat, but am very careful of how much 'unpainted' stuff that I have because when you get too much, it kills the will to paint. I imagine it's the same thing with the fabric - there's so much there, where do you start?

But my stuff fits in the closet - it doesn't invade my family's living space. The husband has a right to not live with this.


----------



## redbarn (Dec 13, 2009)

Thanks for all the great input!!!

UPDATE:

My wife and daughter went to church this morning. I got up and cleaned the whole house. When my wife came home, the first thing she said was "sorry for leaving the house in a mess, we were running late". I told her I cleaned up the house. Score point: +1 My wife really liked that. 

Then I apologised to her and told her that I understand now that her fabric represents "potential" things she would love to make and that the fabric makes her imagine and plan all the things she loves to do. I told her I understand that the fabric makes her happy by giving her something to do that makes her happy.

What happened next - I have never seen in 20 years of marriage. If you have ever seen the movie "Along Came Polly" with Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston - the scene where Ben Stiller, after learning to dance, dances in the club in front of an astonished Jennifer Aniston - THAT's the response I got from my wife! Wow! It was like I said some magic incantation! SCORE +10 points!

I then suggested that this is her stuff and if there's not enough room then she'd have to figure out what to do with it and suggested a rental storage or to store it at her mom's house.
SCORE +2 points.

My wife did go through her stuff and thinned it out too and was happy to do so after my new approach.

So overall, I came out the big winner, making my wife extremely happy and relieving my stress! 

Thanks so much for the great advice everyone!!!


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If someone is a hoarder, clinically diagnosed with OCD, they are compelled to collect things and at its worst, make no distinction between valuables, junk and trash.

There is a great TV show on A&E called "Hoarders" I think it is on Monday nights.

Total eye-opener.


----------



## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

Congrats RedBarn on it working out so well! When I started reading your UPDATE and you said you cleaned house, I was worried : )

Mogget clearly explained what the POTENTIAL of the fabric represents, and you listened... and your wife gave you such a positive response you must know that its true!

The only thing I have to add is to help make sure it doesn't happen again in the new (smaller) apartment. Check out this website:

FlyLady.net: Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home

It's a free service (daily emails) that will help you and your wife. Plus she has some incredible tips for making a move go smoothly.

Good Luck.


----------



## Mogget (Nov 26, 2009)

Hey Redbarn, that is awesome!! Good on you


----------



## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

Congratulations redbarn. I take it Mogget's post really helped. I tend to hoard things too and financial difficulty will increase my unwillingness to let go. I am afraid to be rid of something that I may actually need and have proven myself right on this which makes it worse. Right now I am keeping things to donate. I hate the idea of me being the end of something useful. 

For whoever suggested that he just throw her clutter away, that is the absolutely wrong way to deal with it. She has an emotional connection to her things and throwing it away would feel like he was throwing pieces of her away. She isnt intentionally picking fabric over him. The fabric has become part of her, because it is filling part of her emptiness. 

As for the not fighting fair, my husband says that I do this. What he isnt seeing is that all of the "standard stuff" is actually all of the unresolved stuff that keeps accumulating, which is why we are separated. Maybe you could try to really work on the stuff that she keeps bringing up, chances are for her it is an issue.


----------

