# Ex-wife unapologetic. Struggling with letting go my anger and disappointment of her.



## Houstondad

Hello everyone. I have been officially divorced for about 3 weeks, but it's been about 9 months since I told her I was finished with the marriage. It's a long story that I don't mean to bore some of you with, but what sent the marriage in a tailspin was her infidelity. She lied for months that nothing was happening. The OM stayed with us for a week during his "business" trip and when I had a mental breakdown after he left, my ex suggested I get help and medication because it was all in my head. And it was pretty bad that it lasted another 7 months when I ultimately made the discovery one month later. 

She went to MC with me but told the counselor her heart wasn't into repairing the marriage. 
She left me and the kids last summer when the affair finally died under the "promise" that she would be back in a month after "healing". Turns out she decided to date others up there and now calls Minneapolis her new home. She immediately moved in with a new BF who is also divorced with 2 kids.
My anger and disappointment in her has subsided somewhat when it comes to her cheating on me and latching on to that long-distance affair for another 7 months all the while blaming me for the terrible marriage (which was news to me and everyone else). But sometimes that anger pops up from time to time. Like now. I try to tell myself that she will never change nor apologize or ask for forgiveness and that I need to let it go...for good.
Another part I haven't let go is her leaving the kids. They miss their mom so much. They're only 6 & 11. The kids' counselors tried talking my EX into moving back here where she has family and support and that the kids are better off with her being close. But she refused. How in the hell do I forgive her for such a selfish thing? She never has said she is sorry for the pain she has caused to me, the kids, and even her brother and father who struggle with this too. It disappoints me so much seeing my kids suffer because of her choices. I don't want to live with this anger and disappointment inside me about leaving the kids. I know it's unhealthy. Does anyone have suggestions or tips?


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## lamaga

Ugh. Well, I don't want to call the mother of your children a bad name, but you are so well rid of that...person.

Anger? I dunno. I still can occasionally get angry at the ex if I let myself, but I didn't have children with him, so I know your situation is both more raw and more serious.

I do know that carrying anger around for very long will eat away at you, and it won't hurt her a bit. So I'd recommend talking about it. Talk about it to us, to your pals, to your family, to HER, express it -- calmly but openly -- as often as possible. And I think one day you may just be tired of it. 

It worked for me.

And as always, wishing you the best!


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## that_girl

The fact that she abandoned her children speaks VOLUMES. She simply didn't want her life with you and your children.

Sickening...My heart breaks for your kids. It's one thing for a dad to pick up and leave..but when a mom does it, she's damaged in the head.


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## Paradise

that_girl said:


> It's one thing for a dad to pick up and leave..but when a mom does it, she's damaged in the head.


I think I understand what you are wanting to say here but it is just as bad for a dad to pick up and leave as well.


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## Bobby5000

In terms of the marriage, she is a self-centered woman and there is no need to continue discussion about the dissolution. In terms of being a mother, you should encourage her to continue that relationship for the children's sake, and make suggestions about her visiting and seeing the children.


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## that_girl

Paradise said:


> I think I understand what you are wanting to say here but it is just as bad for a dad to pick up and leave as well.


Oh I agree...but mothers are usually more connected to their children-- you know, for survival, so it seems a mother that would leave her own children has some mental issues. not saying a dad that leaves is off the hook...my absent father left me with a ton of issues to clean up, but had it been my mom who left-- Wow. Just no.


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## bandit.45

Houstondad,

When I was six my mom left my dad, my sister and I for another man. Well, not a man really... a lowdown piece of sh*t outlaw biker.

I never saw her again. I'm 44 now and do not know if she is alive or dead. My dad worked a 60 hour a week job and had no timne to be a single parent, but through careful planning and with help from family, he managed to keep us all together and he became both father and mother to us. It was hard on him. he had no social life, never dated any other women, and lived the rest of his life a divorced bachelor. 

But all those things magnified my admiration for my dad and what he went through to give my sister and I a good home. 

My dad passed away around ten years ago, but I still hold him up as the benchmark by which I measure my life. I think your children are going to look up to you the same way. Do your best to live and honorable and honest life. Your children will honor you for it. 

I do not miss my mother. For a long time I hated her, but I had to eventually let that go. More than anything I feel sorry for her. She missed out on so much. 

As wicked as I think your wife is, I also feel alot of pity for her. She really does not understand what she has thrown away. I too think she has mental problems.... but that is not your problem anymore. 

Concentrate on your kids, and quit being hung up on why your wife shows no remorse. Let her go.


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## Nsweet

Listen very carefully to what I'm about to tell you because it will save you a lot of grief and get her to stop blaming you for her misery.

You need to agree with her 100% and act "as if" you're fine with her decision. Every time you try to guilt trip her or argue with her decision, she'll only see you're well meant efforts as an attack on her pride and disrespect towards her feelings. It should come as no surprise she has been looking forwards to divorce and the freedom from facing her responsibilities. Although, she can't escape the inevitable roller coaster ride which may be magnified when her new affair doesn't make her happy. 

The only thing you can do at this point is time is apologize for trying to change her mind and let her know you accepted her decision with no hurt feelings. Again you're acting "as if" to keep from using any emotionally abusive defense that will give her ammo to use against you. You may not feel apologizing is the right thing to do, but it's an important step to get her to stop beating you and seeing you as the bad guy. Then leave her completely alone, go dark, and ignore her for a good long while. If you've freaked out on her recently, give her 2-3 months before you do anything. 

Now that's been said I have to point out the reality in her affair. For starters there is going to be a renewed sense of the honeymoon phase now that you're divorced, so the clock on their affair is reset. In all likely-hood you're not going to hear from her very often except for some infrequent crumbs of attention and ploys to test you. This is why ignoring her and very infrequent contact works best. Under no circumstances should you enable her to get the attention she wants from you. She needs to get all her needs met by the OM and live in the hole she dug herself.

Unbeknownst to her, she's chasing after a "perfect man" that does not exist and will not keep her happy for long. I mean she left you and the kids for nothing but one kissass charade after another. The moment she felt vulnerable and went looking for happiness outside the marriage, one loser stepped in and blew smoke up her ass comforting her "poor me's" and telling her he could do better than you. This new affair is nothing but an extended chase after the high she felt from the first affair, but even that won't last long. Statistically an affair lasts 2-4 years, but it's highly unlikely she will marry any time soon. 

From what I saw in my wife's EA and after divorce, the OM may talk a big game about marriage but he's not going to do a thing about it. What man wants a woman who's already cheated on one marriage? Not to mention he probably won't be too quick to jump into a marriage after experiencing divorce.... probably without taking the necessary time to heal. If she's qualifying this man based on what little she knows and telling him how he's the best thing to eve happen to her, then she will be in for a big surprise when that honeymoon wears off and she's he can't deliver on all those promises. Promises that no man can keep, such as a stress free relationship and trust. LOL, lotta trust issues they have being cheaters.

It's possible you'll hear from her again when she's vulnerable and the OM isn't what he told her, or as she put it "not treating me right". Be prepared for her manipulation tactics and false tears to get you under her control. You can treat her with kindness but under no circumstances are you to quickly forgive her and rug sweep. She betrayed you and the kids and cannot be allowed into your world with open arms for nothing. She's going to have to start from the bottom and really work to earn your respect and your kids respect should she ever decide to come crawling back. 

The only advice I can give you to help you heal is to see her for the immature quitter she is and forgive her to save yourself from the toxic effects of anger. Take however long you need to deal with this in your own time and just enjoy time with your kids. They're going to suffer more from this and require a lot of help to keep from developing dangerous abandonment issues that will hurt future relationships. I recommend reading up on this so you can better talk to your kids in the future. It's only natural that they feel hurt by their mother's decision and distrust relationships, but it doesn't have to be so. 

Take care, and good luck!


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## Jellybeans

I am sorry. You may never get the closure/apology that you so want from her, or even understanidng. 

In time though, you will feel better.


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## solitudeseeker

I agree with Jellybeans. We all desire closure and an end to our confusion, but there are some things in life that can never be neatly wrapped up with a bow and set on the shelf.

I struggle with the same thing, bewildered at the actions of my STBXH and the pain he has caused me and our daughter. I want him to tell me understands he has hurt us and is sorry for it, but I know now that I won't ever get that from him. That takes more courage and self-awareness than he possesses.

When I meditate, I visualize myself closing a door between him and me. Slamming it in his face if I am angry! Letting go is a slow process, but I believe that time will help. Concentrate on being the best parent you can be and try not to dwell on your ex and her motivations. She is not worthy of any more of your attention. Some things will always be a mystery.


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## Hopefloats726

Dear Houston Dad,
I would first like to say that in July 2011 I also went through a divorce due to infiidelity. I was not on this chat forum at that time. I actually just joined today. How are you doing these days? I would like to say that there are several emotions people experience after a divorce or intimate relationship breakup. Anger is one of those emotions. No individual is the same so it takes different amounts of times for each individual to process the emotions and begin the healing process. I hope your children are adjusting well. You sound like a great Dad. Hope you are feeling better these days. /Warm Regards!


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## Hopefloats726

Hi Houston Dad,
I just sent you an reply. I am new to site and just noticed you joined in July 2011 but put this post up in July 2012. Hopefully I will figure this site out soon. It will take some time for you to process through your emotions. Remember you have support here if you need to talk.


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## Houstondad

Thanks for the encouragement and wisdom. My brother in law( my EXs brother) has especially struggled with this. They used to be extremely close, but not anymore. She tells him he doesn't understand the circumstances of the divorce. She tells him his perspective is flawed and that I control his emotions. Crazy. His issue is that he wants her to see the true reality of what she has caused. To take responsibility for her actions and the bridges she has burned. And since she feels she has done nothing wrong, it frustrates him even more.
I do need to clarify that she did keep in contact with the children a few times a week via video chat and the occasional weekend visit every few months. Not defending her (because that still sucks as being a parent), but just wanted to clarify that. Once I filed for divorce, she started arguing that she wanted the kids. Fortunately, they are with me the majority of the time with the exception of the summer which has been hard for me.
Speaking of difficult:
I just learned that my EXs BF has been grabbing my son by the shirt and pulling him to his room when he misbehaves (and tossed him in there one time). Not the same as beating or spanking him, but I told my EX I felt it was inappropriate for him to do this and only she and I should do this.


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## keko

Tell your son to call 911 next time that happens.


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## Hopefloats726

Hi HustonDad,
It really sounds like everyone is focusing on the EX and wanting her see the reality of what she did. Did she do the correct thing in the past? Why would she change now? Sound like her reality is focused revolves around her. 

The focus should be on the children. If you suspect any abuse, which tossing a child in a room is of great concern to me. The national hotline for child abuse is 1-800-4-CHILD or 1-800-422-4453. You can also google the state and local for the state child abuse in in the state she lives. Remember there is also verbal abuse that can hurt children also. Educate your children with a saftey plan, how to call 911 etc. If they stay with Mom and boyfriend in different state it will be difficult for them to have any neighbors they know to run to for help. 

You stated in your first message you had a mental breakdown and the om stayed with you for a week. What did your mental breakdown look like? How are you? 

Please focus on taking care of yourself and your children. I know you are emotionally hurting and it is difficult.
Focus on doing fun things with the children and fun things for you. Focus on the childrens needs and your needs, thats what matters the most. You are adjusting to a new environment without your EX, adjust by having fun, parks, reading books to them before bed. Ask the children what they would like to do for a fun day. Maybe have one fun day a week. Ice cream and parks and zoos are always fun. I assure you when your children are older they will thank you for being there for them. They need you and you need them. You and the children have each other. Laughter is great therapy, find ways to laugh with you children.


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## Houstondad

Hopefloats726 said:


> Hi HustonDad,
> It really sounds like everyone is focusing on the EX and wanting her see the reality of what she did. Did she do the correct thing in the past? Why would she change now? Sound like her reality is focused revolves around her.
> 
> The focus should be on the children. If you suspect any abuse, which tossing a child in a room is of great concern to me. The national hotline for child abuse is 1-800-4-CHILD or 1-800-422-4453. You can also google the state and local for the state child abuse in in the state she lives. Remember there is also verbal abuse that can hurt children also. Educate your children with a saftey plan, how to call 911 etc. If they stay with Mom and boyfriend in different state it will be difficult for them to have any neighbors they know to run to for help.
> 
> You stated in your first message you had a mental breakdown and the om stayed with you for a week. What did your mental breakdown look like? How are you?
> 
> Please focus on taking care of yourself and your children. I know you are emotionally hurting and it is difficult.
> Focus on doing fun things with the children and fun things for you. Focus on the childrens needs and your needs, thats what matters the most. You are adjusting to a new environment without your EX, adjust by having fun, parks, reading books to them before bed. Ask the children what they would like to do for a fun day. Maybe have one fun day a week. Ice cream and parks and zoos are always fun. I assure you when your children are older they will thank you for being there for them. They need you and you need them. You and the children have each other. Laughter is great therapy, find ways to laugh with you children.


Thanks for caring Hopefloats. Well, she had an ongoing long distance affair the started as EA back in February 2010 and became PA in July 2010. During that time she was seeing another OM who worked with the OM she ended up falling for. Little complicated, huh? Anyways, I started having doubts about her friendship with this OM. She was spending too much time online chatting and had seen him during one of her tech conferences for just friendship and business. Then she offers him to stay with us for a week while he was doing business down here. She spent more time with him than me during this time, especially after I fell asleep. It was when he left that I had the breakdown and she said it was all in my head. I felt I was going crazy and said I feel I am going into a deep depression and I need to get help (medication,etc.). She agreed that I need help. FUDP, eh?
I am much stronger now. It's been almost 2 years since I found out the truth (October 2010). 
But yes, you're right about the kids. The focus needs to be on them, not my EX (which is just a losing battle).


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## Houstondad

Last night, my brother in law and I went to see a movie (Batman). On our way there he told me he spoke to his sister for over an hour. He said it started off good, but went downhill from there. Basically, he feels she just wants to be heard (vs. being told she's in the wrong) and is seeking a "pity party" from everyone down here. He says she's still very defensive and does not see what she has done wrong. 
In regards to me she feels I am not to be trusted. Why? Because of my lawyer. My lawyer did his job and "threatened" notto send the children to see her back in January when we had no emergency order in place because the divorce process had barely started. My EX couldn't understand why I would think she wouldn't send the kids back home after visiting. My lawyer did the same thing when she picked up the kids for summer visitation. She had not signed the decree at that point and he told her she will not be picking up the kids if she fails to sign it. She did not like this at all and blames me for it. There might be other reasons for her to not trust me (which I never cheated,etc.) but I feel that if you're untrustworthy in the first place, you tend to not trust others as well.
My B-I-L also said that we're all trying to seek closure. When my name was brought up she said that I was not ready to be told regarding closure! Wow. She also said That I was stubborn during marriage counseling (because I was trying to make it work..back in Spring 2011!). Does she really believe this or is she just making excuses? 
When I heard this, I thought I need to contact her and put closure to this myself. But after sleeping on it, now I am having second thoughts. Part of me feels telling her why I divorced her and how I feel about everything is important. The other part feels she doesn't deserve my time and energy about how I feel. We're already divorced! Post-divorce is still a rollercoaster. Dropping off the kids last Sunday and seeing her in person triggered many feelings. Mainly feelings from the distant past when she was not messed up in the head because she was being nice during the pickup/dropoff. Triggers suck. And I need to focus on who she is now, not who she was then. She used to be great, understanding, unselfish, caring,etc. Now she's just the opposite and even commented yesterday to her B-I-L that she's no longer a push over.
I guess the question is what is the right way to put closure on all of this for ME? Do I put closure to this myself WITHOUT ever having to contact her? Or is the only true way of closure is TELLING her my reasons and feelings?


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## keko

Houstondad said:


> The other part feels she doesn't deserve my time and energy about how I feel. We're already divorced!


:iagree:


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## SprucHub

Very little I can say except that it is very inappropriate for your W's bf to be disciplining your children. I'd talk to your unpopular lawyer. When the kids return, I'd get another letter from her confirming that he will not be supervising or disciplining. No letter, no visitation. Good lawyers are golden in dealing with bad people.


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## OhhShiney

lamaga said:


> I do know that carrying anger around for very long will eat away at you, and it won't hurt her a bit. So I'd recommend talking about it. Talk about it to us, to your pals, to your family, to HER, express it -- calmly but openly -- as often as possible. And I think one day you may just be tired of it.


I don't know how to better say what's said in this quote:

*"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." 
*– Buddha

Until I learned this, I was unable to move on from my ex's vortex.

My best friend and soulmate taught me that "It is what is is, it was what it was." 

I had to allow myself to realize that I couldn't change the past, I couldn't change other people. 

As hard as it was for me to understand, I finally learned that the only thing I could change is how I reacted. Have I forgiven? Not really. Have I forgotten? Not really. Have I learned that the present is what is really important? Yes. Have I learned to love again? Yes.

And of course, looking after your children is incredibly important. But expecting your wife to change is not going to make things better, acting to keep them safe will.


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## Houstondad

OhhShiney said:


> I don't know how to better say what's said in this quote:
> 
> *"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
> *– Buddha
> 
> Until I learned this, I was unable to move on from my ex's vortex.
> 
> My best friend and soulmate taught me that "It is what is is, it was what it was."
> 
> I had to allow myself to realize that I couldn't change the past, I couldn't change other people.
> 
> As hard as it was for me to understand, I finally learned that the only thing I could change is how I reacted. Have I forgiven? Not really. Have I forgotten? Not really. Have I learned that the present is what is really important? Yes. Have I learned to love again? Yes.


I agree with the past and present view. It just can be difficult emotionally. And without asking my EX, I think I know why she feels I'm not ready for closure. Because I'm still ANGRY. Easy for her to say because I strongly feel she has nothing to be angry at ME. So it's easy for her to appear calm and collected and appearing to move on?
As for the coal, should I throw it at her? Or should I just drop the coal and walk away for good? I don't want this hot coal burning me inside, and I feel eventually it's easier to let it go about what she did to me than leaving her kids. I do feel she is mentally sick and that may be my only ticket for forgiveness and moving on.


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## COGypsy

SprucHub said:


> Very little I can say except that it is very inappropriate for your W's bf to be disciplining your children. I'd talk to your unpopular lawyer. When the kids return, I'd get another letter from her confirming that he will not be supervising or disciplining. No letter, no visitation. Good lawyers are golden in dealing with bad people.


Is the alcoholic cousin babysitting, too? Lawyer might have a list of situations to address.....


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## COGypsy

Houstondad said:


> When I heard this, I thought I need to contact her and put closure to this myself. But after sleeping on it, now I am having second thoughts. Part of me feels telling her why I divorced her and how I feel about everything is important. The other part feels she doesn't deserve my time and energy about how I feel. We're already divorced! Post-divorce is still a rollercoaster. Dropping off the kids last Sunday and seeing her in person triggered many feelings. Mainly feelings from the distant past when she was not messed up in the head because she was being nice during the pickup/dropoff. Triggers suck. And I need to focus on who she is now, not who she was then. She used to be great, understanding, unselfish, caring,etc. Now she's just the opposite and even commented yesterday to her B-I-L that she's no longer a push over.
> I guess the question is what is the right way to put closure on all of this for ME? Do I put closure to this myself WITHOUT ever having to contact her? Or is the only true way of closure is TELLING her my reasons and feelings?


It all depends on what you mean by "closure". Do you mean getting her to see what she's done, feel badly about it and admit this has all been a terrible thing she's done? Do you mean prove once and for all that you're right and she's wrong? Those things aren't gonna happen. But if by "closure" you mean let go of the past and accept the situation and focus on protecting your kids and raising them the best way you can, then that's all up to you. She's really not a part of "closure". That can only come from you and it won't mean a thing whether she knows about it or not, it's all about you stepping off the roller coaster and getting on with YOUR life.


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## Houstondad

The alcoholic cousin is till here. My lawyer asked me to talk with my kids during my week with them to see if there were problems. My time with them was last week. In my kids' eyes, their cousin is doing an adequate job cooking for them and watching them. My lawyer said that since we have no "evidence" or the kids affirming he's a loser that a judge will not side with me. Frustrating. My brother in law did speak with the cousin recently and felt he was "under the influence" during the phone call. But it's just his word against his. It's all BS.
As for the BF grabbing my son by the shirt and tossing him into his room, I have not heard back from my EX since I informed her of this on Monday. I video chat with the kids tonight and I plan to talk to her about this after I chat with the kids. I haven't spoken with my lawyer about this yet, but I will today.


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## Houstondad

COGypsy said:


> It all depends on what you mean by "closure". Do you mean getting her to see what she's done, feel badly about it and admit this has all been a terrible thing she's done? Do you mean prove once and for all that you're right and she's wrong? Those things aren't gonna happen. But if by "closure" you mean let go of the past and accept the situation and focus on protecting your kids and raising them the best way you can, then that's all up to you. She's really not a part of "closure". That can only come from you and it won't mean a thing whether she knows about it or not, it's all about you stepping off the roller coaster and getting on with YOUR life.


Yeah Gypsy. My sense of closure is exactly what you referred to: accepting responsibility/wrong doing/etc. My brother in law has been trying this lately to no avail. She's defensive and has every excuse in the book including she's done no wrong.
But you're right. I realize now closure can only come from within me, not from her. And I am ready to get off this damn rollercoaster. I thought the finality of divorce would have done that, but feelings still linger. The answer/closure to all this is inside me and I just need to find it. I do want to get on with my life and continue being the best damn father this side of Texas.


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## Shaggy

This closure stuff from her is yet more selfish manipulation of you. Basically what she is saying is that you need to hurry up and be happy for her and stop thinking she is selfish and a cheater. In other words, why are you still against her happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoeguy

HoustonDad,

Sorry but I think you should consider changing your idea of closure. I agree with gypsy. Your idea of closure is most likely not going to happen and I learned that the hard way because I was at that place for a long time as well.

The birght side is I think you have already started letting go of the anger in a way. By acknowledging you have these deep rooted feelings is the first step in letting it go.

My suggestion is to start having more conversations with you BIL that evolve around your current situation and not what caused you to be there.

After awhile thoughts of what your wife did or is doing currently will fade away and that is progress. Unfortunately that only comes with time and effort to not think about her actions.

Good luck,

Shoeguy


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## DaKarmaTrain!

Houstondad said:


> Speaking of difficult:
> I just learned that my EXs BF has been grabbing my son by the shirt and pulling him to his room when he misbehaves (and tossed him in there one time). Not the same as beating or spanking him, but I told my EX I felt it was inappropriate for him to do this and only she and I should do this.


I'd be going 'scorched earth' on that point. No freakin way would I let some dirtbag do that to my kids. I am, of course, talking about doing everything legally.

My ex's fvck-buddy told my daughter off last February, and (while she still had the kids) my ex continued to bring him around the house after to get her 'fix'. I made sure Childrens Aid was aware of the situation (as my daughter was/is going through depression herself in dealing with everything). And I made sure to include it in court docs (along with a few dozen other things my ex has pulled) in my petition for full custody.

I'd at least inform Childrens Services. If for no other reason than it is on record and can be used to establish a pattern of behaviour if this continues (or, God forbid, gets worse).


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## COGypsy

Houstondad said:


> *I thought the finality of divorce would have done that, but feelings still linger.* The answer/closure to all this is inside me and I just need to find it. I do want to get on with my life and continue being the best damn father this side of Texas.


:lol: Wouldn't it be great if our feelings could be resolved with a judge's signature?? 

On the other hand....imagine what that would do to the court system!


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## OhhShiney

Houstondad said:


> I agree with the past and present view. It just can be difficult emotionally. And without asking my EX, I think I know why she feels I'm not ready for closure. Because I'm still ANGRY. Easy for her to say because I strongly feel she has nothing to be angry at ME. So it's easy for her to appear calm and collected and appearing to move on?
> As for the coal, should I throw it at her? Or should I just drop the coal and walk away for good? I don't want this hot coal burning me inside, and I feel eventually it's easier to let it go about what she did to me than leaving her kids. I do feel she is mentally sick and that may be my only ticket for forgiveness and moving on.


All I know is that I had to let go of my anger with my ex before I felt free to move on. I had no control over my ex during my marriage, only by controlling how I felt was I able to move on. 

I am also in a situation where my relationship with my adult 
daughter is strained; we haven't spoken for over a year. She had responded to every one of my contact attempts with flaming, angry words, and emailed my new and old family about that a bad dad I am. She is angry. I was angry and hurt. She was hurt by my decision to divorce her mother. She was demanding something from me to help her ease her pain. There is NOTHING I can do force her to drop her anger. All I have control over is how I react to her anger. 

I am torn badly by this situation -- I want to have a relationship and had agonized over what *I* could do to get her to move on. I finally saw what my friends and family (new and ex inlaws) were saying for months : this is HER problem. SHE has to change how SHE is reacting to the situation. I cannot undo the past. I cannot undo the divorce or my remarriage. I cannot let her anger at me ruin my life. There literally is NOTHING I can do to change her. 

It took me several months to drop the that particular block of coal and walk away. My daughter needs to drop her coal. I cannot and will not subject myself to her anger and venom. It's not healthy for me. 

I will write her a hand-written note (so she can't hit reply and forward it to the world) that says I'm here for her to contact if she wants. She is entitled to her anger, but I'm not obligated to enable her anger by giving her fuel to keep her coal burning.

I guess my point is that I've learned, somewhat painfully, that the only person I can control is myself. I cannot change how anyone else feels, what they do, etc. You DO have a very short window of opportunity when you are a parent to make a difference in a young child's life .. but once they are grown, they are under their own control. Much like a building a sail boat. You can make it out of the best of materials, the best design, give it a GPS, all the best equipment, train the sailors well; but once the boat is let free on the ocean, it's on its own.


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## OhhShiney

COGypsy said:


> :lol: Wouldn't it be great if our feelings could be resolved with a judge's signature??
> 
> On the other hand....imagine what that would do to the court system!


Bliss -- no need for lawyers!


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## Houstondad

Well, I've definitely decided to focus on only myself for closure and to be the best dad I can be...even if that means being the best while my kids are still away on visitation and here's an example:

When my son told me that my EXs BF had been grabbing him by the shirt to take him to his room and in one instance, "tossed" him by his shirt into the room had me sending my EX an email. Here's what I sent:

*There is something I need to tell you that I was unable to do when I dropped off the kids (because they and BF's daughter were there).
Our son and I were playing on a playground during our trip and at one point when I chased him I had grabbed him by the shirt tail because he was so quick. He then told me that your BF does this when he gets in trouble and that he didn't like the way your BF did this.
So I asked my son to explain further what was going on. He said that your BF had grabbed him by the shirt and would pull him to his room when he "got into trouble". He also said there was one time where your BF forcefully "tossed" him into the room by his shirt. The bottom line is that our son did not like your BF doing this to him and he feels uncomfortable.
I hope you find this sort of "discipline" to be inappropriate as I do. I think if anyone should be doing the discipline of our kids, it should be you and I. I am asking that you mention this to your BF and that he keeps his hands off our son (as well as our daughter, but so far she's been an Angel?). Please get back to me on how you feel about this and how to address this. Thank you.*
So I sent this Monday and never heard back. So yesterday when I video chatted with the kids, I asked to speak with mommy afterwards in private. And I brought this up with her and since I haven't heard back I wanted to know what that status/discovery was.
It was nothing but excuses from my EX. She said things like:

1. I haven't had a chance to speak with our son. I've been busy at work and when I come home we have 4 kids to take care of (our kids and the BFs kids). 
2. She said she spoke with our daughter about it and my daughter didn't see this.
3. She can tell that I am trying to do long distance parenting, but the kids are under her care now and she will handle it.
4. Didn't like my email and focused on my sole comment of the BF keeping his hands off our son. 
5. I am jumping to conclusions and that our son may be misinterpreting all of this.

Well, I didn't lay down like a welcome mat like I did years ago after D-day.
I told her that her 1st priority upon learning what I had learned is to talk with Aydin and that it was unacceptable that she still has not spoken with him. And that she needs to do it now. If she hasn't by Friday, I told her I want the 3 of us to sit and discuss.
I also said that she had taken my email out of context if she sees it so negatively, but that I can't change how she sees it. The bottom line is she needs to make sure the BF understands his boundaries and that he is not to put his hands on our son (even if he agrees/knows this already).
At one point she said I can talk to her BF about this during our video chat and I said HELL YES, bring him on! But she never did. 
She kept interrupting me the entire time and I finally raised my voice telling her to not interrupt and to allow me to finish. I finished what I had to say and she kept her mouth shut. I have to admit this felt damn good for once. There were a few other things I discussed that she wasn't following through on that I can discuss another time. 
Oh! And one other thing I learned? My EX told me that our son and her BF are not getting along. That my son will listen to mommy and even the cousin who is still there; but doesn't listen to the BF. She says that our son must still be confused about having a male in the house. Duh! Because I'm certain my EX hasn't told our kids that this guy is her BF! But my 6 year old son must be seeing through all the lies and deception.
The bottom line is that the both of us know I'm not putting up with this BS any longer. I'll keep you guys updated what I find out.


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