# Is it over?



## cas (Jan 8, 2013)

I know only I can make a decision, but I could use a little perspective...

My husband and I started dating when we were 17, we moved in together six months later, when I started college and got my own apartment. He had dropped out of high school, I was an over-achieving academic. We got married after 5 years of dating/living together. Now, we've been married 8 years, I'm about to turn 32, he's 31. We've been through a lot- he got his GED, got a bachelors degree, I got my bachelors and masters, I had great success in my career but was unhappy, now in a slower paced job but figured out what my dream is and am working on it, bought one house that we are trying to sell/rent, bought our second house a year and a half ago. His dad died of cancer the year we bought our second house, and that was rough on both of us (he was the primary caregiver for his dad and they were super close). 

I recently started a yoga teacher training program, which I know is contributing to a lot of this because it forces you to strip away your layers and look at who you are and how you want to live your life. 

I started to have serious doubts about our marriage four months ago. Our sex life went from barely adequate to nearly non-existant- because I don't want sex with him. My personal sex drive has never been higher, I just don't get turned on by him. Over these last few months I have found myself not wanting to be around him in any way, not wanting to spend time together. He did do something wrong, didn't pay off our credit card bills over a long period of time while I thought everything was normal, but owned up to it and has been doing every single thing one could expect to fix his mistake and change behavior. However, I'm sure that caused some doubts, it did make me question whether or not we were on the same path in life/valued the same things.

A little over two weeks ago, he called me out on the lack of physical intimacy. I was relieved that we'd finally get it out there. I told him the problems (this was all over email, by the way)- he doesn't take care of himself physically, he uses baby-talk a lot which turns me off, he tries to instigate sex when the tv is blaring and I'm about to go to bed. The biggest issue, I told him, is that I felt like there was a lot of distance between us, that we had grown apart. He never responded, we have not talked about all this since. And he hasn't made any changes. It kind of freaks me out that I put it out there and he hasn't even made an effort to change the easy stuff, like go for a run or cut back on drinking, and doesn't seem concerned about the whole "we've grown apart and it worries me" thing.

We have been together so long of course we both have changed. But I feel like I have grown and changed more, while he hasn't. I feel like he is content with the status quo, while I still have goals and dreams. I feel like we barely have anything in common any more. Ultimately, I feel like if we didn't have all these years together, we wouldn't choose to be married to each other today... At least I wouldn't choose him.

The worst part is he's a great guy. He has done nothing wrong. I wish that he would do something wrong, or that I would, because it would be so much easier. He's going along in his life thinking things are okay while I'm contemplating destroying his world. I feel terrible!

I finally opened up to my best friend and she was not surprised, she knows us both well so I took this as an indication that I'm not fully nuts.

I don't know what to do. I think about leaving and being on my own and I get excited. I know that I would be okay. But I am afraid of making a mistake. And I still care about him, I don't want to hurt him. But, I know that things cannot continue this way. 

We had a nice date night on Saturday. But the disconnect was still there and there was no sex, not even any kissing. I hate feeling this way. It is not fair to him.

Has anyone been in this situation? Anyone have any advice or perspective that might help me figure out what to do?

I really appreciate it.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You shouldn't really call it quits when you haven't even TRIED to fix it yet. 

Yes, you've stated your unhappiness with some specific examples. What have YOU done to change things? 

Have you fixed healthier meals?
Have you offered to run with him?
Have you initiated sex earlier than bedtime?
Have you turned the tv off to have quiet time with your husband?

Basically pointing out all of HIS problems without acknowledging any of YOUR OWN is NOT going to make him want to make substantive changes. He may not even know how!

You two need to schedule some MC and give it an HONEST TRY. Don't just sign up for it so you can 'check it off the list' before you move on to file for divorce. If you don't intend to actually WORK AT MC, then I would suggest you be HONEST about it and tell him so you're not wasting 3 people's time (including therapist) and 2 people's money.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

I will pray for you.


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## cas (Jan 8, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser, thank you and good questions. Here are the answers:

I have tried to make and encourage healthier meals. When I cook something healthy for dinner, he ends up making a sandwich (with lots of cheese and mayo). Even on the nights we have a more substantial, indulgent dinner, he'll make a meal for himself later. 

I suggest going for hikes or bike rides (I can't run due to an IT band issue right now but we used to hike and ride our road bikes together all the time) but he would rather spend all day watching football. He used to love doing night mountain bike rides with his friends and I encourage that but he doesn't do it any more. I offer to cook and take care of errands our house stuff so he could go for a run after work but he never does. His doctor told him last year that he needed to lose some weight, he made an effort for about a week. He is not oblivious and he knows what he needs to change, he is just unwilling to make those changes. 

I have tried to initiate sex, even though I don't really want to, at other times. When I start kissing him, he will stop after a few seconds. I did point that out to him, but got no response. The times he instigates are late at night, after a few drinks, and usually saying, while pouting, "give me some smooches, be sweet." We don't sleep in the same room, that started out because he snores and we are on different schedules (I get up early, he doesn't have to be at work until 10 am and is a night owl) but we used to sleep in the same bed on the weekends, so I'd instigate morning sex. But over the last few months we don't even sleep together on the weekends. And to be completely honest, the morning sex was more out of obligation and "let's get this over with." 

Whenever we are in front of the tv together, I insist that it's to actually watch something we want, not flipping. If there's no movie or show that we're interested in, I do turn it off and try to talk. At that point, he pulls out his phone and starts surfing the web. 

We did the date night thing, which I had been asking for. But it felt like two friends sharing a meal, not a couple. And when we got home, I just wanted to get away from him.

I suggested marriage counseling a couple years ago. At that time we were fighting a lot. But he said then he'd never go and if I thought we needed marriage counseling then we might as well get a divorce. I've not brought it back up. I do agree with you, unless we both are willing to go into it ready to work, it is a waste.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Well, it appears that you have tried EVERYTHING you should to right this situation. He is unwilling to engage. He is unwilling to change. He is unwilling to talk. He is unwilling to do therapy.

I'd say it's time to pull the plug. File SOON for divorce (no use dragging it out any longer). At which time he will (predictably) start dieting, wanting to have sex, blah, blah, blah. Tell him it's too little too late. 

If you asked for counseling a couple of YEARS ago and he said no, he'd just as soon divorce, then THAT is his mindset. Life is short and you've given it your BEST shot. You should not have to BEG nor THREATEN people to get them to act correctly.

Good luck, and let us know how it's going. Keep posting here, we care!


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