# i'm close to cheating and need help



## tryingtofindme (Aug 21, 2013)

Please hear me out. I have been married for almost 10 years (we are both mid 30). We have 3 young kids, an amazing house, loving and supportive family around us and until recently a fairly happy marriage. He isnt perfect and has let me down emotionally many times over the years. As life has gotten busier we have lost sight of our relationship and grown apart. He doesnt put any effort into making time for us except to have quick sex. He feels that going to work and making money is his contribution and all that is required of him. 

I have been taking care of him, the 3 kids, the dog, the house and every detail of our lives for the past 10 years. I am so tired of the responsibility, i am so tired of meeting everyone elses needs, i am so tired of NO ONE taking care of me. I dont feel like me anymore. I feel like i live for everyone elses happiness.

Recently a close male family friend has told me of his attraction to me and that he is in love with me. I love him dearly as a friend but am also attracted to him. Also, another man i know from work has been very blunt about his attraction to me. He has come on to me several times very aggresavely and twice i have let him touch me and kiss me.

I have NEVER in the 15 years of being with my husband EVER cheated on him before. I am sick to my stomach about my attraction to these two men and the things that I WANT to do with them. I wake up every monring telling myself i am going to cut them out of my life as much as possible but within a few hours I feel so empty with my life i find myself reaching out to them. Their attention and attraction to me is so gratifing. I love that they want me, and I love that they are thinking about me all the time. I love the way that they can make me feel like "me" again.

My husband and I are in the very early stages of starting counseling (insruance red tape...). I really dont want to cause him any hurt. I still love him but after so long of not caring about myself I am feeling like i just want to be selfish and do what makes me happy.

I welcome all comments and feedback.


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Wonder how much of your feelings towards your marriage and your husband and your life you've told your husband? Does he know any of this? Perhaps you should have some talks with your husband, and immediately stop contact with the other two guys. 

By the way, you've already cheated - you're not close. You've already crossed the line. Wonder what your 3 kids would say or think about your actions? 

Get help before you f up a bunch of lives!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

tryingtofindme said:


> Recently a close male family friend has told me of his attraction to me and that he is in love with me. I love him dearly as a friend but am also attracted to him.


Fog speak. How much of your emotional attachment to this man is already clouding your feelings for your husband? The more you grow your attraction to the other men the more you damage your relationship with your husband. Soon you will find nothing attractive in him because you have reattached your emotions to another man. You are putting your husband in a no win situation. Contact with these men must end or your marriage will. You are heading down a destructive path. If you wish to end the marriage end it on the issues with your husband. Don't kid yourself that you will be whisked away by their charms and be happy ever after. OBTW, the guy at the office just wants to **** you.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

1. Letting the other man touch and kiss you is a gray area; some members here will say it's definitely cheating since you allowed it. Either way, it's definitely not good.

2. Men, I've found through entirely unscientific research, are attracted to girls that are hard to get. The more unattainable, the more they want it. You're married; that's pretty unattainable. Of course they always think of you and want you!

3. If you're in the US there are free counseling options; Google "[your state] couples counseling free" and see what you find. Heck, I know this site advertises free counseling!

4. Now comes the hard part. If you really want your marriage to be healthy and happy, you HAVE to cut these men out. I know how hard that can be! You're going to have to take a hard look at yourself and decide whether that's what you want or not. If for you the cons to cutting these men out of your life outweigh the pros, then I would suggest broaching the idea of divorce before you hurt your husband. (I'd also like to add that whatever decision you make, sit on it for a week, and re-visit. If you still feel the same way you know the decision wasn't a knee-jerk reaction)

But you can't have both. You have to choose. That's part of being married.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I have to agree, touching/kissing is already cheating. Also, you are already engaged in not one, but two full blown EA's. If you are serious about fixing things with your husband, CUT CONTACT NOW!!! ALL contact. If that means transferring to another office, or finding another job, DO IT! 
You also need to talk to your husband immediately. Let him know exactly how you feel and WHY you feel that way. If he's willing to do MC, it already shows he also wants to fix the marriage, give him a chance to do it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Speaking as someone who cheated... Cheating on your husband won't solve anything. It won't fix the problems at home, and it won't satisfy you long term. It also has a strong likelihood of blowing e everything up and making an amicable divorce impossible. So either leave now, with your integrity intact, or invest fully in fixing your marriage. 

I've posted my story in here a number of times, but pm me if you want to hear it again. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

OP, it takes courage to request help. You will get blasted, your feelings will be hurt by some of the comments, TAM users will pick apart every statement you make. Do not make excuses, do not cover up or hold back any details. If you can put on some thick skin, listen to the advice of "SOME" of Tam members you can get thru this pretty much unscathed!!


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## tryingtofindme (Aug 21, 2013)

THANK YOU everyone.....i need this, all of it. I need to hear it. More comments welcomed.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

PBear said:


> Speaking as someone who cheated... Cheating on your husband won't solve anything. It won't fix the problems at home, and it won't satisfy you long term. It also has a strong likelihood of blowing e everything up and making an amicable divorce impossible. So either leave now, with your integrity intact, or invest fully in fixing your marriage.
> 
> I've posted my story in here a number of times, but pm me if you want to hear it again.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

It won't solve a thing, and only make things more complicated. For what it's worth, what you're feeling isn't unique. I've certainly been there. Cheating only delays the inevitable.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

tryingtofindme said:


> Please hear me out. I have been married for almost 10 years (we are both mid 30). We have 3 young kids, an amazing house, loving and supportive family around us and until recently a fairly happy marriage. *I am holding onto resentment so I feel *He isnt perfect and has let me down emotionally many times over the years. As life has gotten busier *I, and I believe he,* has lost sight of our relationship and *I've* grown apart *from him*. *I feel *he doesnt put any effort into making time for us except to have quick sex. *I feel that *He feels that going to work and making money is his contribution and all that is required of him. *(does he REALLY feel that way?) *
> 
> I have been taking care of him, the 3 kids, the dog, the house and every detail of our lives for the past 10 years. *(I taste a lot of rewriting marital history here. Does your husband really walk in the door, drop his briefcase and then does NOTHING ELSE?)* I am so tired of the responsibility *(so you work and take care of the house nonstop 16 hours per day compared to him going to work, coming home and doing NOTHING else to take care of the family?)* , i am so tired of meeting everyone elses needs, i am so tired of NO ONE taking care of me. I dont feel like me anymore. I feel like i live for everyone elses happiness. *(And what does your husband live for, he wakes up and goes to work for what? TAKING CARE OF HIS FAMILY)*
> 
> ...


I fixed the wording for you. You state things as black and white when in reality they are simply YOUR perceptions of the situation which may or MAY NOT be accurate.

The bolded and Italics portions need more explaining, specifically have you two had discussions about your needs (if not..then it's on YOU, if you have the), have you been proactively working together and doing things as a couple to fix it (reading books, marriage counseling etc) or do you just complain about it to him and go at it as a you versus him problem instead of you and him versus the actual problem?

You need to do both marriage and individual counseling. You also need to admit what you've done and how you feel to your husband in counseling. INCLUDING THE KISSING. You won't feel so wonderful when the light shines on your EA/PA.

Affairs are mushrooms. They thrive in the dark while being fed on bullsh!t.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

People cheat because they can. It has nothing to do with the marital situations. The BS was also in the same marriage, but the BS didn't cheat.

The claim that a WS loves the BS but still cheats is just factually incorrect. If there was love to begin with, the cheating would never have occurred. 

Cheating happens because of entitlement. If the marriage is so unbearable, why not get a divorce first then do whatever fun is desired? No, it doesn't go like that, does it? Cheaters rather test drive while already being in a relationship and then leave when there is a suitable outside option. If there is no outside option, they just keep on cheating.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

life101 said:


> If the marriage is so unbearable, why not get a divorce first then do whatever fun is desired? No, it doesn't go like that, does it? Cheaters rather test drive while already being in a relationship and then leave when there is a suitable outside option. If there is no outside option, they just keep on cheating.



:iagree:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

life101 said:


> People cheat because they can. It has nothing to do with the marital situations. The BS was also in the same marriage, but the BS didn't cheat.
> 
> The claim that a WS loves the BS but still cheats is just factually incorrect. If there was love to begin with, the cheating would never have occurred.
> 
> Cheating happens because of entitlement. If the marriage is so unbearable, why not get a divorce first then do whatever fun is desired? No, it doesn't go like that, does it? Cheaters rather test drive while already being in a relationship and then leave when there is a suitable outside option. If there is no outside option, they just keep on cheating.


The outside option to cheating is leaving. Not everyone is prepared to do that. That doesn't make it right by any means... doing one instead or in favor of the other, but the truth is hurt people hurt people. In a marriage that isn't happy, within a spouse that isn't happy, it's not hard to see how such decisions are made.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You're basically asking if you should cheat on your husband, risk blowing up your family which includes 3 young children because you admittedly want to be selfish and do what makes you happy??? Well at least you're honest. Ya the fallout from cheating on your husband is going to make you REALLY happy in the long run I'm sure. Good luck with that:scratchhead:

You might want to spend some time reading through the coping with infidelity section to get a better sense of whether what you're thinking about is a good idea. I don't recommend posting there though.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Before you cheat, make sure you utterly despise and hate the ground your husband walks on. He will find out and be utterly destroyed. He may even commit suicide.

Go to the Coping With Infidelity section and read how this affects the families. Even young kids may turn on the wayward spouse. You will also be cheating on your kids.

You may also consider, several of the cheating wives have tried or succeded in committing suicide after see the devestation they have wrought.

First off get the two books in my signature linked below. MMSLP is just for your husband.

You may have tried but you have not done a good job of communicating with your husband.

Also, think about what kind of man goes after married women. You can never go back to what you had before.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> *Before you cheat, make sure you utterly despise and hate the ground your husband walks on. He will find out and be utterly destroyed.* He may even commit suicide.
> 
> Go to the Coping With Infidelity section and read how this affects the families. Even young kids may turn on the wayward spouse. You will also be cheating on your kids.
> 
> ...


She has already cheated.



tryingtofindme said:


> Please hear me out. I have been married for almost 10 years (we are both mid 30). We have 3 young kids, an amazing house, loving and supportive family around us and until recently a fairly happy marriage. He isnt perfect and has let me down emotionally many times over the years. As life has gotten busier we have lost sight of our relationship and grown apart. He doesnt put any effort into making time for us except to have quick sex. He feels that going to work and making money is his contribution and all that is required of him.
> 
> I have been taking care of him, the 3 kids, the dog, the house and every detail of our lives for the past 10 years. I am so tired of the responsibility, i am so tired of meeting everyone elses needs, i am so tired of NO ONE taking care of me. I dont feel like me anymore. I feel like i live for everyone elses happiness.
> 
> ...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Findingmyway is the kind of guy you are trying to slide into bed with.

*Findingmyway was a player, I don't know if he comes on here much now, but he did leave a point of view thread although I can't find it. 
***********************************************

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.*


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## evenstar (Jul 26, 2013)

Keep reminding yourself that if these guys actually cared about you, they would not be hitting on a married woman. They care about themselves, not you. They don't care about the damage it would do to your life and your kids' lives, or the self-esteem you would lose by having to forever think of yourself as a cheater. 

I know you feel like no one's got your back and you're swimming alone against the current, but cheating is not the answer in any way shape or form. It is never worth it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, what kind of research have you done to improve your sex life with your husband?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you have any idea what your office buddy is saying behind your back about how he is going to nail you to the other guys at your work place


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

PBear said:


> Speaking as someone who cheated... Cheating on your husband won't solve anything. It won't fix the problems at home, and it won't satisfy you long term. It also has a strong likelihood of blowing e everything up and making an amicable divorce impossible. So either leave now, with your integrity intact, or invest fully in fixing your marriage.
> 
> I've posted my story in here a number of times, but pm me if you want to hear it again.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I am in agreement with P, I cheated in my first marriage as well. My marriage was a joke, it was empty, my husband was angry, self centered, and I was completely irrelevant to him. But cheating has left me with an.. ick... that I am never going to be able to shake. My ex husband to this day does not know, BUT I KNOW. I live with it. It solved NOTHING, made me feel like sh!t about the kind of person I was, and now I always have that black mark on myself. So STOP. NOW. And get real with your husband.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Fog speak. How much of your emotional attachment to this man is already clouding your feelings for your husband? The more you grow your attraction to the other men the more you damage your relationship with your husband. Soon you will find nothing attractive in him because you have reattached your emotions to another man. You are putting your husband in a no win situation. Contact with these men must end or your marriage will. You are heading down a destructive path. If you wish to end the marriage end it on the issues with your husband. Don't kid yourself that you will be whisked away by their charms and be happy ever after. *OBTW, the guy at the office just wants to **** you.*


You need to understand the above bolded part. And you have already cheated on your husband since you have allowed him to touch and kiss you !!

Don't think that is cheating ? Try telling your husband about it and see what he thinks !!


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

tryingtofindme said:


> ...until recently a fairly happy marriage. He isnt perfect and has let me down emotionally many times over the years. I imagine he would say something similar about you.
> As life has gotten busier we have lost sight of our relationship and grown apart. relationships have to be nurtured, they don't just happen.
> He doesnt put any effort into making time for us except to have quick sex. Do you? He feels that going to work and making money is his contribution and all that is required of him. So he's employed, and pays the bills so his family is provided for.
> 
> ...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Chaparral, thank you for posting that from findingmyway, I think I'll bookmark it and re-read it any time some guy flirts with me! I swear I have seen that in action (the whole father of the year, does all the housework, gets cheated on bit)


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## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

tryingtofindme said:


> Please hear me out. I have been married for almost 10 years (we are both mid 30). We have 3 young kids, an amazing house, loving and supportive family around us and until recently a fairly happy marriage. He isnt perfect and has let me down emotionally many times over the years. As life has gotten busier we have lost sight of our relationship and grown apart. He doesnt put any effort into making time for us except to have quick sex. He feels that going to work and making money is his contribution and all that is required of him.
> 
> I have been taking care of him, the 3 kids, the dog, the house and every detail of our lives for the past 10 years. I am so tired of the responsibility, i am so tired of meeting everyone elses needs, i am so tired of NO ONE taking care of me. I dont feel like me anymore. I feel like i live for everyone elses happiness.
> 
> ...


Pretty sure you will not find yourself under somebody else. You said alot of the things my wife has said. We are now divorcing. Sucks all around, for me, her and especially the kids. I really feel for your husband.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Can you tell your husband what you are doing and what you want to do. It might wake him up to try to work on your marriage problems. 

After we have been married for many years, life becomes a routine, and boredom sets in. View this as an enemy to our marriage. We will face it and we have to defeat this enemy, or we let it defeat us. 

Have a serious conversation with your husband, and see what you can do for your marriage and your family. 

After all the effort, and you are still not happy with your marriage, then have a peaceful divorce with your husband. In this way, at least you don't hurt your husband. 

Being betrayed is a horrible feeling. What would you feel if your husband had cheated on you?


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> 1. Letting the other man touch and kiss you is a gray area; some members here will say it's definitely cheating since you allowed it.


:iagree:
This is already cheating. It's EA with elements of PA : kissing, fondling. Please stop now before it's too late.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I barely read your post. None of the replies. Just leave him. For HIM, not you.

When are we going to start teaching couples about walk-away-wives BEFORE they walk away?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

tryingtofindme said:


> Please hear me out. I have been married for almost 10 years (we are both mid 30). We have 3 young kids, an amazing house, loving and supportive family around us and until recently a fairly happy marriage. He isnt perfect and has let me down emotionally many times over the years. As life has gotten busier we have lost sight of our relationship and grown apart. He doesnt put any effort into making time for us except to have quick sex. He feels that going to work and making money is his contribution and all that is required of him.
> 
> .


Have you put any effort into your marriage?
You have described a very normal trajectory in a marriage.
Husband and Wife have to jointly make the marriage they want a reality.



tryingtofindme said:


> I have been taking care of him, the 3 kids, the dog, the house and every detail of our lives for the past 10 years. I am so tired of the responsibility, i am so tired of meeting everyone elses needs, i am so tired of NO ONE taking care of me. I dont feel like me anymore. I feel like i live for everyone elses happiness.
> .


You are not meeting your husband's needs.
Your husband needs a girlfriend.
All the details of your lives are YOUR NEEDS. You are working YOUR OWN AGENDA and you are spending your energy on things your husband does not care about. So why would you expect him to do things that you care about?



tryingtofindme said:


> Recently a close male family friend has told me of his attraction to me and that he is in love with me. I love him dearly as a friend but am also attracted to him. Also, another man i know from work has been very blunt about his attraction to me. He has come on to me several times very aggresavely and twice i have let him touch me and kiss me.
> .



Congratulatoins. You are in the category of special in that you are female with a vagina.



tryingtofindme said:


> I have NEVER in the 15 years of being with my husband EVER cheated on him before. I am sick to my stomach about my attraction to these two men and the things that I WANT to do with them. I wake up every monring telling myself i am going to cut them out of my life as much as possible but within a few hours I feel so empty with my life i find myself reaching out to them. Their attention and attraction to me is so gratifing. I love that they want me, and I love that they are thinking about me all the time. I love the way that they can make me feel like "me" again.
> .


That sounds about as gratifying to me as a prostitue pretending she would enjoy sex with me. 

You choose this over a man who has dedicated his life to you?
That's sick frankly.



tryingtofindme said:


> My husband and I are in the very early stages of starting counseling (insruance red tape...). I really dont want to cause him any hurt. I still love him but after so long of not caring about myself I am feeling like i just want to be selfish and do what makes me happy.
> 
> I welcome all comments and feedback.


You care only about yourself and have for a long time A person who only cares about themself would say what you say and do what you are doing.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

My perception of this is that cheating will not help you, and to be honest any man who is aggressively pursuing you while you are married probably won't treat you better.

You have to figure out why this has turned out the way it has, and if you can fix it. If not maybe think about separation etc It may even be amicable and then you can decide if you want to date.

But cheating? You're going to end up with one messed up person, probably worse emotionally than your husband.

Just my 2 cents


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

My STBXW told me she didn't want to hurt me either. I found out about her PA and guess what? It hurt, it hurt more than any hurt I have ever experienced in my life. 

When she told me she was in love with another man, it hurt but nowhere near the depths of her infidelity. How could I be mad that she didn't love me? How could I be mad she fell in love with another man? That was more 50/50 as far as fault goes, her cheating is all on her. She will have to live with herself and her lying and cheating ways the rest of her life. But for her to tell me "I don't want to hurt you" was the biggest crock in the world. If she didn't want to hurt me all she had to do was be HONEST.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

tryingtofindme said:


> I wake up every monring telling myself i am going to cut them out of my life as much as possible but within a few hours I feel so empty with my life i find myself reaching out to them. Their attention and attraction to me is so gratifing. I love that they want me, and I love that they are thinking about me all the time. I love the way that they can make me feel like "me" again.
> 
> My husband and I are in the very early stages of starting counseling (insruance red tape...). I really dont want to cause him any hurt. I still love him but after so long of not caring about myself I am feeling like i just want to be selfish and do what makes me happy.


You have these emotional affairs, beginning a physical affair with one, on the cusp of starting marriage counseling.

So you'll go into counseling lying from the outset and confounding any attempts to fix things with the husband because of the fresh, exciting thrill of extramarital affairs.

We don't have any information here on what you have tried to make it clear to your husband about how you feel. You have your grievances listed, but not what you have done to shake him out of his complacency. You owe him that. A clear, unmistakable message that it has gone so far as to have you seriously considering a sexual affair. 


"I don't want to hurt him" from a person already kissing another man is translated to "I don't want him to find out". Because obviously if he knew, he would be hurt. 

So either break clean with these other fellows and begin counseling in earnest, including telling the husband what happened, or get started on the divorce so you can finish clean with the husband before starting with someone else.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Why can't people just be honest with their spouses? He!!, why can't people just be honest, period? I'm sorry, but when you marry someone you try everything to make it work first and if all has failed then I can understand wanting to separate and divorce. But, damn, there is a family and 3 kids involved here. Just be honest and lay it all on the table. 

That is the entire thing that still haunts me to this day with my failed marriage. It was in the dumps for about a year and all of the sudden I woke up and tried everything to make it work. But, my ex was already having an affair and there was nothing I could have done nor said to make it happen at that point. I wasted an entire year of my life trying to fix it while she was planning her new life with another man. 

So, to the OP, if you want to absolutely destroy your husband, break up the home, etc, then by all means chase this dream. You are going to hurt a LOT of people in the process.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

I'll never understand why a unhappy spouse won't just leave a marriage instead of having an affair (other than pure selfish cake eating). Just file for divorce. Worst case scenario your single on your own with the freedom to be with whoever you want. Best case scenario your spouse wakes the f### up and you fix your marriage. Affairs usually end with the same results just with a whole lot more pain.

Do WS expect to stay in an affair until their BS or themselves die? Highly unrealistic. Either way affairs eventually end, whether on their own or from discovery. And once they do, what has changed? The same problems that "lead" the WS to the affair are still there. Then they will have to be fixed during reconciliation which will make it a hell of a lot harder than it had to be or you head to divorce and all your affair did was delay the inevitable and cause more pain. 

You pretty much are already cheating. If you really do love your husband your marriage could be saved if your willing to try. I suggest at your next counseling appointment you tell your husband about the 2 d-bags. Be 100% honest with him, if he doesn't believe you offer to take a polygraph. You can nip this in the bud, possibly save your marriage and be happy with your husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tryingtofindme,

It sounds like you have legitimate reasons to be unhappy in your marriage. But cheating will not make you feel better. It will not help you find yourself, or fix your life.
Sure it might feel good for a short while. But in the end you will most likely hate yourself and end up even more unhappy then you are now.

Keep in mind that only 3% of affairs ever turn into real relationships. If you cheat you are most likely to end up divorce and alone. If divorced and alone is what you want, just get a divorce and save yourself and your family the pain that an affair will inflice.

However, you have a huge chance of getting your marriage back on track. It’s very easy for couples to fall into a rut like what you are in. The kids come along, we get busy doing the day to day things and then years go by. The way you feel right now is a wakeup call. It’s your heart and mind telling you that it’s time to re-make your marriage. 

One spouse can cause positive change in the marriage. If one of you changes, the other has to. The first thing I think you need to do is to be brutally honest with your husband. Tell him that you are so profoundly unhappy that your seriously considering divorce. That other men are coming onto you, and because you have felt so alone in your marriage for you long you feel drawn to leave him. 

There are some books that I think will help you. I got more out of them then I did out of hours upon hours of counseling.. and if you couple them with counseling I think you have a very good chance of rekindling your marriage.

“His Needs, Her Needs”
“Love Busters” 
“Divorce Busters”


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

OP, why not come clean to your husband?

You have to own your mistakes..you have already cheated, and the "family friend" needs to fawk off! He's no friend of your family...period!

You husband needs to realize he is not just a provider, he is also supposed to be your lover. You are already looking to replace him in that department, but maybe if you come clean he will want to step up and re-kindle his position as your sexual desire....because that IS his position, NOT THESE OTHER MEN.

If you open up and come clean now, you have a chance to fix this. THIS IS IT!!!!!!!!!!! if you wait, it will end badly, I promise you. You have little time left to salvage this, but if you don't have the gumption, you will continue to cheat and your marriage will die completely.

There are some people who say that a wake up call saved their marriage,,,.....

....give your husband the truth, which is essentially his wake-up call...yours too, actually, since you don't even realize that you have cheated thus far (kissing and fondling plus emotional bonds are all cheating).

It's up to you....


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

You are putting out an availability vibe. "Woman ready to mate"
The men come running. 

Cheating is easy.

Are you better than this?


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

I am basically in the same boat as you are except its my wife that has slipped away from me. Further there are no other women in my life but I kind of wish there was. 
My wife and I have been married for 33 yrs. and over the past 6-7 yrs. I have lost her attention almost in every way. She is always preoccupied by four things, 1. Work 2. The Pittsburg Steeler 3. Facebook and 4. our sons. There seems to be no time for me!
In the past 6-7 yrs. our intimacy and sexual activity has no surpassed 10 times and then it is quick and forced. I need more than that. If I try to talk to her about sex she says I am obsessed. Over the past 34 yrs. I have only been with her and so far removed from any kind of relationship with any other women.
Now to be absolutely honest I would not hesitate in having an affair simply to meet my needs and to feel important to someone. I am tired of feeling like a house bit** because I am a writer and work from home. I do all the household duties, everything from laundry to grocery shopping. 
Here is the big however; I just don't want a biological function I need the emotional aspect as well. It is my view that great sex is founded on love. Yet again my physical and emotional needs are not being meet.
Finally, as far as your male friend goes it sounds to me, as a man, he is only looking for a conquest because you wrote he is aggressive. He seems to see your needs and is trying to feed on them. You are still young in marriage so you need to take the bull by the horns and become the boss over you husband. Men are often like children and need to be taken by the hand and lead. Further, men are visual. So what I suggest is you get someway to setup a completely private time then get some lingerie that is tasteful, you don't need to look like a "HO". and let the magic work from there.
Having an affair should be your last resort.


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