# Things I've Learned This Year About Infidelity



## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Here are some things I've learned since being on this site and living through my wife's betrayal. Feel free to add to the list. It should create some lively discussion.

1) One seldom fears what they are not capable of or have not experienced in their life. My wife for years was worried that I would cheat on her. Not a week went by that she did't have a "don't cheat" discussion with me. I never cheated. Yet she did. I don't think, worry, contemplate or obsess about her stabbing me in the middle of the night and chopping my body up into pieces and feeding me to the alligators! Why, because I'm not capable of that!

2) Regardless of the facts behind the cheating (one partner or many, one time or lots, one night stand or years), just kissing or intercourse, the pain is the same for the betrayed partner. We try to lessen our pain by saying to ourselves, "it was only......It could have been......"

3) Just when we think we are doing better or healing, we get walloped or blindsided with emotion, reliving the pain.

4) We obsess about the facts or the emotion or the thought process. (Did it really stop before he/she came? Did he/she really stop the second it went in and ran out of the room/car? Was it really only once? Did it truly end? Do I even really know this person? Is he/she leading a double/secret life? Did he/she think about me even for a second before he/she did that dispicable thing? What did he/she say to him/her to get him/her to agree to do that? Why couldn't he/she stop after the first time or the time I caught you? What about the kids? What about the posibility of losing your marriage simply for a "piece of ass"? Why couldn't you come to me or suggest we get help rather than step out? How would stepping out fix what was wrong with you or with our marriage? :scratchhead: I know things weren't "perfect" but cheating couldn't possibly make things better.

5) How/when will it get better? When will trust be reestablished? Why am I doing most of the work to make things better, I didn't cheat? You should be consumed with fixing the distructiveness you put into motion and not want to just forget it ever happened! 

6) What's with that "trickle truth" sh*t? Don't you know that lying by omission is still lying? How do we fix things, especially your cheating, lying, unfaithful ways if you are still "lying". That's no way to fix a marriage!

7) Thanks to those that share here. Thanks to those that I relate to and admire (Dow, Affaircare, AFEH, Mommy, even MsLonely.....) How unfortunate that we can't come together on a "How to Raise Kids" site or "Effective Ways to Weed Your Garden". We are exclusive members of an unfortunate club!

8) To me, infidelity is the single worst experience of my life! I can't imagine anything worse (with the exception of losing a child). Not even the death of a family member can compare. We all expect our parents or spouses or friends to die at some point, but we NEVER expect the person we love the most, the person we took vows of fidelity to, the person we sleep in the same bed with, to give something so intimate and personal to another person!

This is getting too long so I've added #8-12 here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/20947-things-ive-learned-year-about-infidelity-part-2-a.html.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

My thoughts, feelings, and questions exactly. I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one having these emotions.

M.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

All thoughts/questions I have had myself at one time or another. But as we all do, you work through and replace those thoughts with happy ones instead. (as hard as it is at times)

My only "disagreement" (for lack of better word) is with #8. I agree this is one of the WORST things to deal with, hands down. But I would take it any day of the week to losing a child (God Forbid) or a family member. 

In fact, I was hit with this earlier this year when something terrible happened to the OW. (in my situation, she had been a very good friend) There was death, not to her family but someone we knew and it could have been hers. Instantly I went into help mode - and kind of forget about my other feelings. I was reminded that things could be worse. Death and destruction is terrifying and while my H's infidelty wrecked havoc on my life, marriage and emotions - we're okay. We're better than okay. 

Thank you for posting this because I have been having issues lately - not sure why. The feelings I had earlier this year (of forgiveness toward OW) have slipped away again. I would like to get them back. Be the bigger person, etc. Not just to make myself proud but because I think that would be easier for me. 

I, too, wish we weren't members of this "club" - but don't think I want to be members of weeding the garden club either - I really hate weeding...........:rofl:


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, those are all my feelings! I am feeling discouraged at this point, like I don't know if we'll ever get past the affair that happened almost 4 years ago. I feel like I torture myself and he feels like it will always haunt him. He'll be 100% committed to our marriage and then my insecurity pushes him away. He says if I can't get over it and keep checking up on him and things that it's pushing him away. It isn't fair. 

I would have never in a million years expected this from him. And now I'm stuck with the lying by omission crap, too. I'm sure he's faithful now, but the temptations are there, he knows I'd be bothered by the chatting he does with others, so he hides it. My problem is that he's weak and my fear is that it will happen again. I don't think I could handle that.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Some say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! I do question that at times but then I think “what is was meant to be” for whatever unfathomable reason or another.

There’ll always be positives to take away from negative experiences, sometimes you’ve gotta look hard for them but they’ll be there. Would be nice to wish away the negative experience but as we can’t do that then take away something positive.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I feel and TOTALLY agree. I am so stuck in a cycle of #3....it'a so damn irritating.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> Here are some things I've learned since being on this site and living through my wife's betrayal. Feel free to add to the list. It should create some lively discussion.
> 
> 1) One seldom fears what they are not capable of or have not experienced in their life. My wife for years was worried that I would cheat on her. Not a week went by that she did't have a "don't cheat" discussion with me. I never cheated. Yet she did. I don't think, worry, contemplate or obsess about her stabbing me in the middle of the night and chopping my body up into pieces and feeding me to the alligators! Why, because I'm not capable of that!
> 
> ...


You brought tears in my eyes just reading this. This is by far the worst experience of my life. There are still days when I just wish I don't wake up but I know I have to go on because of our son.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I've learned a TON. Im still learning, sucks that this type of education is burned into your soul with red hot razor blades and rubbing alcohol though. 

the first class... betrayal 101. Tought me...

People are monsters. The old addage that people are good at their cores is a crock... when you dig really deep, and when the chips are down and people are forced to show you who they really are... you won't like it. People are selfish, evil monsters. People are capable of the greatest evil imaginable. 

Heroin? Crack Cocaine? Meth? - a joke compared to a weak person addicted to an affair. I've been around people addicted to various things throughout my life, NEVER have I seen anything more disgusting than a shameless affair withdrawl. 

You think you know someone?, ha! Take this lovely person you know, sprinkle on some affair, toss in some rationalization and bury it in a support group of misfits and wait till they sprout... lol.

lol. I'm just being cynical, makin a funny.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

poms,
your killing me'-)

I'm hitting my 1 yr since confronting her and it is ....what it is....

I just can't believe all the different ways that cheating spouse reacts after they are confronted.
Some come back and are on board soon enough, other are just so fogged in for such a long time.

The one thing that is constant is the script they all follow after confronting them. Even the constant on why the affiar started is interesting.

Think about all these people with so many variables, but all have the some constant denominater.

"not meeting emotional needs" 

"I didn't want to hurt you" 

" I didn't want it to happen"

I read this all the time-"I was unhappy for along time"


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

You'll get an amen from me as well. There is nothing that can be read in a magazine or seen on a DVD to fully prepare you for dealing with a cheating spouse. I'm still in Stage 3 of this; it's been six months since her last known encounter. 

What makes it even worse is that I'm even more resentful than I was back then. It's as if she got to have her fun while I sat on the sidelines like some lost schelp who left his house keys in the rental car he just turned in. And do I feel any better after she apologized afterwards? F*CK NO!!! There's something inside of me that burns everyday, wanting to inflict the same kind of pain, hurt, and suffering that was put on me for the last year and a half.

And Guy, I hear you with the 'you weren't meeting my needs', 'I didn't mean for it to happen', and my least favorite, 'we just took things too far' excuses. If I had a dollar for every one-liner she gave to me, my student loans would be paid in full. And what makes it even worse is that she cheated and I shouldn't trust her anymore; but now, she doesn't trust me. What kind of ignorant BS is that?!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

SP
My chick is doing the same thing. The bottom line is treat me right and I won't and vise versuv. 

I can tell your still very much P*ssed. Is there anything that she is doing to help you heal from the sh*t she caused?

Sorry for the threadjack-workingitout


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

"I didn't think you loved me anymore"

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you"

"I haven't been happy for a long time"

"I feel like I'm just going through the motions" 

and, the worst of the worst, having a spouse look you square in the face and say,

"my feelings for you just died".

I think a part of me actually died that day. 

I have to say that I agree with whoever said this is worse than losing a parent. (A child is an entirely different story and I wouldn't even try to compare the two.) I did lose a parent 11 years ago. My dad was so beloved to me and my entire family. But, the pain was different. It was bad, of course. My heart was broken, of course. The main difference though is that he didn't choose to die. He didn't want to leave us; he got sick and it just happened. These spouses choose to destroy us. 

The "fog" or the "trance" or whatever the hell it is apparently stops them from realizing exactly how awful it is, but they know, somewhere in their souls, that they have almost killed us. And the worst part is that they watch it. They see us cry, beg, walk around like zombies at the very whiff of divorce. 

I never, in a million years, thought that the person who knew me best, who promised to stand by me forever and love me until the day that I died would choose to hurt me and abuse my trust like a lowlife criminal. I just have to remember that he is NOT the person that I married anymore. That person is gone. That's the person that I miss. The OW can have this weak, emotionally immature loser.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

The Guy, No worries about the hijack. I wanted this to be a lively discussion, so go for it!
Blownaway: You are dead on with your one liners. The "I didn't think you loved me anymore" was a rough one for me. So I say, what was us going out every Friday and Saturday night having romantic times together, how about our frequent love making, how about our bubble baths..... She was just F'd up at the time! It's amazing how powerful the affair drug can be! What a fog! It's just beyond comprehendable!


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

All great points, and I have heard some of them. The thing I realized is that both my W and the OM are low self esteem low self confidence always seeking approval people who like to avoid conflict. Who instead of facing their problems avoided them complained to each other and created a bigger one. I have learned to make her reflect on those negative comments and it seems to sink in time will tell good luck to us all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boto227 (Dec 2, 2011)

I read this and you have summed up my wife, I dont know who the other guy is/was but she is exactly this. 
She once put on an incredible show to deflect a difficult question about her co-worker,namely dancing atround the room screaming and shouting absolute nonsense, the telling words about this from my two kids "That was totally fake Dad!"


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Workingitout said:


> Here are some things I've learned since being on this site and living through my wife's betrayal. Feel free to add to the list. It should create some lively discussion.
> 
> 1) One seldom fears what they are not capable of or have not experienced in their life. My wife for years was worried that I would cheat on her. Not a week went by that she did't have a "don't cheat" discussion with me. I never cheated. Yet she did. I don't think, worry, contemplate or obsess about her stabbing me in the middle of the night and chopping my body up into pieces and feeding me to the alligators! Why, because I'm not capable of that!
> 
> ...


I lost a child to cancer. He did not choose to leave; he did not betray anyone. He died because his body could not fight a malignant enemy. His death was unavoidable. My H's betrayal was a choice he made and it could have been avoided. He put another person before me and our family. I will never get over the loss of my child, but I am comforted by my sons courage and the nobility of his life. There is nothing to comfort me in betrayal; nothing noble. It has been the single worst experience of my life.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

oaksthorne - your post really touched my heart. I am so sorry for the loss of your son and the pain you are suffering from the infidelity. I hope you find the strength to move forward in your life and that you find comfort and happiness.

OP You are dead on the money with your list. My H had an EA in May. I thought our marriage was back on track. He is now leaving me and my 3 children. He SWEARS there is no one else. I live with constant pain in my heart and a huge knot in my gut.
After 18 years i also feel as if i am looking at a stranger. Like an alien came down one night and abducted the man i love and put this stranger in front of me. I know i will get through it but everyday is tough x


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Someone mentioned "a part of me died that day". I know what you mean but the part that died was actually the fantasy I had about this person.

Months later I find that that is what happened.

My hat goes out to you all that perservered. I did not since MC was not accepted, I divorced cheater and began the process of withdrawal and forgiveness and moving on. They are or were in a huge fog and I could not get through.

I was divorced in July, 4 months after DDay and life is getting better.

My prayers goes out to us all for healing.


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## asumnersummer (Dec 8, 2011)

I find unfaithfulness is a disease, I can admit my marriage was good before I found out my husband had been having an affair for three months yet he still came home to bed. I feel dirty and emotionally used. Like I said its a disease, it causes so much hurt, pain, anger, depression any so much more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Good post.

It is comfortable to know there are others that feel this way and that I am not crazy.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> oaksthorne - your post really touched my heart. I am so sorry for the loss of your son and the pain you are suffering from the infidelity. I hope you find the strength to move forward in your life and that you find comfort and happiness.
> 
> OP You are dead on the money with your list. My H had an EA in May. I thought our marriage was back on track. He is now leaving me and my 3 children. He SWEARS there is no one else. I live with constant pain in my heart and a huge knot in my gut.
> After 18 years i also feel as if i am looking at a stranger. Like an alien came down one night and abducted the man i love and put this stranger in front of me. I know i will get through it but everyday is tough x


Thank You, my friend; I wish the same for you, Hugs.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

Great stuff please merge list 2 and 3 I am a month into D-day still haven't had C-day (confrontation day) I feel like the marriage died on D-day now I'm living a bizarre surreal existence playing myself before discovery for my daughter's sake but getting ready for C-day . Being here has helped a lot I wish I could buy you all a beer-- it is comforting to know I'm not alone in this experience Thanks to everyone here for sharing. Yes its too bad we are meeting this way. 
I have friends at my church who lost their 20 year old daughter in a car crash 3 years ago I look at them and marvel how they can still laugh and appreciate life and continue to be an important part of our church because even knowing what I do about God and the kingdom if I lost one of mine my mind would just explode. Kids are a precious gift from God I'm convinced there is no greater pain then losing one. I pray I never have to know it. As much as I describe infidelity by a spouse as hell that would be far beyond this. 
I went outside today and thought it looks like it always did but its so different and will happiness ever return?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I've learned a TON. Im still learning, sucks that this type of education is burned into your soul with red hot razor blades and rubbing alcohol though.
> 
> the first class... betrayal 101. Tought me...
> 
> ...


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Workingitout said:


> The Guy, No worries about the hijack. I wanted this to be a lively discussion, so go for it!
> Blownaway: You are dead on with your one liners. The "I didn't think you loved me anymore" was a rough one for me. So I say, what was us going out every Friday and Saturday night having romantic times together, how about our frequent love making, how about our bubble baths..... She was just F'd up at the time! It's amazing how powerful the affair drug can be! What a fog! It's just beyond comprehendable!


We had just went on our 15 year trip to Cancun. The only time we have been without kids in 12 years. We was talking more, and watching Tv together at night. Going places together, and doing house work together.... She couldn't see how I loved her cause I didn't want her smoking, she loved me but was not in love with me, she wanted to be young and free (no kids, or husband) She wanted to know what it would be like, she thought she was the worst wife and mother and we would be better off without her, she was overwhelmed and I didn't do anything to make it better, she resented me for things that happened 16 years ago, it gos on and on.

None of it a reason to cheat on someone. She was wrong and I think she knows it. She says that is how she was feeling then, but not now. Now its she's just tired of talking about the affair.... if I didn't get new information almost every time I did I might be able to process and heal. If she would answer my questions instead of giving 'I dont know" all the time I might heal.


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

"i dont know", I'd die a happy man if I never had to hear that again. In our quest to understand how a person who supposedly loved us more than anything in the world could be capable of such betrayal, it seems like this is their go to response


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