# Happy in a Bad Marriage?



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Is it possible to be a happy person inside of a bad marriage? As long as there isn't outright abuse or hatred?

yes - this is very much related to my other post - but meant to be a bit more open and generic

Don't people stay married more often for "practical" reasons?
- logistics of raising kids
- having someone to make you soup when you're sick
- splitting up chores
- shared financial resources
- shared dwelling / expenses
- etc., etc.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Yes, they do. I'd wager that there are more folks for whom this is true than you could ever get to admit it. 

I'll admit it. I stay for my kids. I stay because it's their right to have a stable, two-parent household. I stay because I know that leaving will ruin my husband (socially, financially, emotionally, etc.). I stay because we have found ways to co-exist comfortably. I'm sure someone's going to jump all over me, but believe it or not, it's not just the open marriage part which makes it work for us. Our focus is on our children - not anything or anyone else. 

If you're considering it (which it seems you are), there are a lot of things to think about.... What are your reasons for staying? Can you establish ground rules and behavioral expectations that both of you can live with? Most importantly - WHY are you willing to do it? With purpose often comes realization - at least for me. 

Wishing you all the luck in the world. I'm in a different situation, but I can relate to how you're feeling and what you're thinking about...


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

As I think someone can't be happy if his needs are not met

If we want to take a look to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs we have
1- Self actualization needs (full potential)
2- Esteem needs (self respect, personal worth, autonomy)
3- Love and belongings needs (love, friendship, comradeship)
4- Safety needs (security; protection from harm)
5- Physiological needs (food, sleep, stimulation, activity)

We can't get the full potential if one of these needs is missing 
what you mentioned fall in the physiological and maybe safety needs what about the other needs ???

As I think
spiritual needs are very important when you satisfy your spiritual needs you could be happy and forgive or maybe forget if you miss any of the other needs and so when you stay in a marriage for moral reasons which give you kind of satisfaction to get over some missing needs but it needs to be with complete acceptance from your inside sometimes maybe it won't help for a long time because we are still human being and we still want our needs to be met 

If we don't want to mention spiritual things and want to just talk about happiness in a bad marriage also I think what you mentioned is not enough because we still want the other needs and when we don't find them inside marriage we need to seek something replacing those unmet needs and this is will lead people in bad marriage to do adultery or to seek happiness outside marriage like making more friends doing more activities going to school filling time with so many things either to run away from their problems or to feel their needs are met 
For some people this may give them a feeling of satisfaction and also of happiness not because they have a good marriage but because they have self satisfaction which the result of needs satisfaction

I am not a specialist it is only my opinion i hope it will be helpful


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only way that can happen is if NEITHER of the two people lie.

Period.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Suppose your car runs badly. No, you haven't run over a pothole and lost the transmission, nor put water in the gas tank. Can you be happy driving a poorly running automobile?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Is it possible to be a happy person inside of a bad marriage? As long as there isn't outright abuse or hatred?


You know, you don't really define what "bad" means, so absent abuse or hatred (or I'm guessing infidelity) I'm assuming a bad marriage would be ... what? Not being compatible?  :scratchhead:

If that's what you mean, then...um...yeah they can be happy. I mean I think it's MORE unreasonable to expect to be in a continuous state of "happiness" with your job, your home, your children, your marriage, your self, your location... That's just silly. At some point, you'll be "unhappy" with at least one of those things. 

Further, I believe that "being happy" is something you choose. For example, the state of being of "happiness" does not swoop down upon you unexpectedly when you've done nothing to aid in its arrival. Usually you become happy when you do things that make you happy or when you choose happiness rather than sadness. If I'm alone and no one is with me, I can choose to blame and be upset and feel abandoned...or I can choose to be happy with the peace and quiet and enjoy what *I* want to do. If I'm not happy alone, I can choose to do an action so I'm not alone AND that does not threaten the marriage or family (like phone a sister or invite a neighbor in for tea). 

So since happiness is a choice we make, and by your limited definition there's no abuse or hatred, I'd say HECK YEAH. I can choose happiness and if it were me, I'd also look into why we aren't compatible and work on that!


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