# Wife offering sex without any physical touch



## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

First, I will say that my wife and I are meant for each other. We have almost identical interest, hobbies, perfect travel partner, and best friends and have the same religious beliefs. She is a great woman and I don't want her bashed and I don't want to talk negatively about her. This post is just looking for suggestions and helpful advice. If you want to bash me, no problem 

My wife's and I sex life has not been the best over the past few months over some resentment with me being upset and acting like a jerk if we did not have sex. That is on another post. So she has resentment towards me and we are trying to rebuild the intimacy and are moving forward.

I have completely backed off on pressuring my wife for sex and when it does not happen I have not been negative or said anything to her. It has been 5 or 6 days since we had sex and that is so not normal for us and she knows how much I need it. So we are in bed last night and I am giving her a massage like I do almost every night. Then she says; "If you want to flip me over you can before I get tired" that excited me and made me want to have sex, but there is no physical touch by her to get me aroused. There is no kissing, no touching at all by her to me, she tells me she is too tired for her own orgasm and is rolled up against me, but not where we can have any eye contact. I just can't get aroused knowing that it is only for me and that she does not desire sex and not feeling any physical touch by her.

I feel appreciative that my wife offered her body for me. (BTW, she is extremely attractive and sexy). I feel frustrated that I can't seem to get hard to accept the "gift" she is trying to give me.

Ideas on how to get aroused in this situation?? Does this happen in your relationship?? Should I just decline when I know it is only for me??


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Should I just decline when I know it is only for me??


If i get that feeling of it happening like it's a chore to be done that's exactly what i do. But i express dissatisfaction with it. Usually results in real sex. It's hard to for me to get aroused having sex with a corpse...


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## runningman1 (May 7, 2012)

I have a similar situation

My wife wants sex she let me bring her to orgasm - she doesnt touch me or stumulate me at all. The after she tries tp pull me onto her for sex and gets annoyed when I am not hard - she says "I dont turn you on" 

The truth is after she has orgasmed the rest seems like shes just doing it for me to get it over with - like you I feel frustrated as you say its like a "gift"

I lover her shes beautifull and I have spoken to her about sex I have told her my inner fantasies and fetishes - but I seem to get nothing back from her about what she wants


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If I acted like that , my husband would feel the same way.... erection killer... it would suck the life out of him...he needs my desire, some enthusiam, like Costa200 said, not a corpse... you might have more enjoyment with a blow up doll.... 

Being the one with the higher sex drive - you'll need to seek to understand what trips your wife's triggers...do you know her love languages ....is it more romance, helping her around the house so she is less tired, is it upping the Alpha bad boy - coming on to her with a pursuing confidence....get masterfully creative...every woman is so different... so good luck there!


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

You would be better off having her help you masturbate in those instances. It's nearly impossible to get turned on if the woman is just lying there.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Sounds to me like you wife is bored. It's time to strengthen communications. Maybe try MC.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> You would be better off having her help you masturbate in those instances. It's nearly impossible to get turned on if the woman is just lying there.


:iagree:

Its not just the act, its the participation.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Ouch... nothing worse than a cadaver.

OP... sex you are having 'aint worth it.
Uphill battle to get her to change as she feels she is fulfilling her duty as your masturbation toy shes probably thinking of grocery shopping when you release in her.. exciting huh.

My wife pulled this crap during our sexless period... ED producing stress.

All I can say is good luck. I'm actually glad mine went sexless at least that allowed me the unquestioned high ground to pound into my wife the importance of *involved and frequent sex.*
I flat out told her I never want pity sex and that she is NOT meeting my needs in our marriage.

So far still sexless most likely because she is trying to get to where she really wants it again with me so when we get going it should be much better. We'll get there.

Just realize change is hard. Your wife won't be happy being told sex with her is lame.
Pretty sure there is resentment in your wife that's the reason shes doing this to you... payback. Could be anything OP they have a ROLODEX going back to the day they met you. Your crying about sex is just another entry.

Think you need to bring this to a HEAD and pop it if you want great sex again.
What you and she did was sort of a agreement to get crybaby the sex hes crying about.
Lame sex. Your wife's smart... she gets a massage then works on stuff mentally while you in a very controlled fashion use her to masturbate in. Shes made the chore "easier"

Be prepared for a battle. Has to get worse before better.

If you care I would stop having sex and tell her every time "no thanks" when she does that crap. Start creating friction make it an issue. Stop giving her massages, makes you look accepting of her bad behavior.

Only way to get her to change is for her to want to change. That involves her seeing you in a different light, her feeling security threatened, you getting control over your sexual urges, her seeing sex in a different light.

I think our turning point will ultimately be be one the other day... when my wife got full on angry (angriest ever) at me and told me sometimes feels like "strangling" me.... with fire in her eyes and ran upstairs. 

Finally real passion! She let out that under-lying resentment. Bring it on. I can take it.

These wives keep it all bottled up have to get them to release it.
Make it an issue so big they know they have to find a way to resolve it!
Was great to see my wife out of control of her emotions.

So know I have under my belt... ILYNILWY and now "I want to strangle you".... great stuff!
What does she have on me.... "I love you" never waivers. "I want our marriage to improve" never waivers

Maintain the high ground and don't fall to her level. She will eventually climb that mountain. Possibly kicking and screaming.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

So what is she doing to get over this resentment that she has toward you? If it's nothing, she's happy to be disconnected.

That is the problem. She's disconnected and you need to find out why.

Until you do, I'd disconnect as well. Ask. Get a no. Let it go. 

If she accedes and isn't into the act, there is nothing wrong with getting up and going to the shower to finish up business. That will send a clear message.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

runningman1 said:


> I have a similar situation
> 
> My wife wants sex she let me bring her to orgasm - she doesnt touch me or stumulate me at all. The after she tries tp pull me onto her for sex and gets annoyed when I am not hard - she says "I dont turn you on"
> 
> ...


It sounds like your wife and mine are twins. I don't think my wife is trying to be hurtful, but she just does not feel like having sex so she turns over so I can get off, but that is it. I have told her a hundred times that I need to feel desired and I fill that through sex and physical touch. The last time I said it, she said it puts too much pressure on her knowing that my need being fulfilled rest on her shoulders and she told me never to bring it up again. She said it really is not a need, but a want. I still don't agree with that and from what I read on another thread this morning on here, most everyone recognizes that it is a need for a husband to feel desired by his wife.


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

lovetopleasewife said:


> First, I will say that my wife and I are meant for each other. We have almost identical interest, hobbies, perfect travel partner, and best friends and have the same religious beliefs. She is a great woman and I don't want her bashed and I don't want to talk negatively about her. This post is just looking for suggestions and helpful advice. If you want to bash me, no problem
> 
> My wife's and I sex life has not been the best over the past few months over some resentment with me being upset and acting like a jerk if we did not have sex. That is on another post. So she has resentment towards me and we are trying to rebuild the intimacy and are moving forward.
> 
> ...


Okay as always context helps..... Age, Any kids, how long have you been married????

As for the post, am bored reading the same over and over...... I guess the question is why the hell are you giving her a massage every night (even Trying has stopped with the nightly foot massages), when it does not lead to sex? As mem11363 would say "You're rewarding bad behaviour".... I remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry was dating a Massage Therapist and couldn't get a massage. Point was it was her job and she had no interest to give one when done work as a massage therapist is done as it is just that "work".

Leave massages to professionals and rub up to her in bed. If you get "intimate" then incorporate a massage, otherwise forget it......


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have too much pride to settle for pity sex. I'm a woman and if my husband did that to me I'd choose my vibrator over him and I wouldn't care if he knew either.

Have you read no more mr nice guy? You need it.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If I acted like that , my husband would feel the same way.... erection killer... it would suck the life out of him...he needs my desire, some enthusiam, like Costa200 said, not a corpse... you might have more enjoyment with a blow up doll....
> 
> Being the one with the higher sex drive - you'll need to seek to understand what trips your wife's triggers...do you know her love languages ....is it more romance, helping her around the house so she is less tired, is it upping the Alpha bad boy - coming on to her with a pursuing confidence....get masterfully creative...every woman is so different... so good luck there!


SA, I think from what I have seen on TAM, you have the best understanding of your husband’s needs and I appreciate all your insight and post.
Like your husband, it is an erection killer for me.

We both have done the 5 love languages before we met and shared those with each other. I just looked them up on our chat history from a few years ago. My wife said "Acts of Service" and "Physical Touch" are her top two love languages and when I did the survey, "Acts of Service and Physical Touch" are the top two that I give. However, if she says she is not feeling loved I say, but I go gas up your car for you, make you coffee every morning, clean the house, take care of paperwork for you, give you back massages every night, etc. Then she tells me, “ I don't care about that, it means nothing to me.” I am so confused when she says that, because she told me that was her #1 language when we met and how much she appreciated that about me.

Her #2 language is physical touch, but after we got married she said she needed space. I was constantly trying to hold her hand, always touching her, always wanting to be next to her and trying to kiss her too much. She felt smothered, so I have backed off as much as I can, but she still gets upset sometimes and says I show too much affection.

So basically, I am just really, really confused. I asked her a few weeks ago, so what are you love languages and she said, you don't know me at all and then said something to the effect that she is tired of hearing about love languages.

I think it may be the lack of Alpha Male as you mentioned. I took the NMMNG quiz and I am not sure anyone has scored higher on it. I am the ultimate Mr. Nice guy as it relates to her. I am an Alpha Male at work, with the kids and for the most part in business, but with her, I am a total push over, will do anything for her, will sacrifice anything for her, will do anything to make her happy and will work hard not to make sure I spend a lot of time with her.

I mentioned last week to her, that I think me being a nice guy all the time does not make her attracted to me. She said she always wanted a nice guy and says that I am that nice guy she always wanted, but I don't see her being attracted to me sexually and that is very frustrating. 

She does cuddle with me, she text me all the time, calls all the time, wants to spend time together, set goals together, go to church together, do regular date nights and travel. Overall, we are the perfect couple and people envy our life and our relationship, but internally the lack of intimacy and the lack of feeling desired are very hurtful for me and is wearing on our relationship.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Touchy subject. Everybody wants to tell you to be the highlander. You know how hard it is to fight yourself in a situation like this? To try to get what you want and receive something similar to being turned down? I mean reject is pretty bad but if not as bad as your spouse being a corpse. I've had this treatment before. She tried to play the sympathy card but she always gets into once its started. Intimacy is a beautiful thing and to remove the eye contact, the kissing, hearts touching, meeting of your minds, and producing energy as one, what a terrible thing to waste. Pretty damn selfish if you ask me. I also believe beggers can not be choosers. True, you shouldnt be begging or negotiating for sex in the first place. At the same time do you think a homeless person is going to turn down a cheese burger? Oh no, I only eat gourmet meals or I'll take a porterhouse steak. Forget the cheese burger. Nah, it doesnt work that way with sex. If you're getting it regularly or your needs our being met, then you cant start to make demands or special request. If youre up S*** creek without a paddle then you usually take what you can get until it gets better. You could always separate yourself from the situation.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> You would be better off having her help you masturbate in those instances. It's nearly impossible to get turned on if the woman is just lying there.


I asked last night, I said can you help me masturbate instead since you are not up for sex. She said, you can do it yourself and then she turned over away from me. 

We do masturbate together on a regular basis when we are having sex, but only if we are both getting off.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

She's emotionally disconnected from you at the moment. Find out what it is to meet her needs. Us women are different when it comes to what type of needs need to be met, just as men are. Talk to her and find out. Once she feels her needs are met, things will get better.

Or if it was a one time thing, she may have not of been in the mood and doing this because she loves you. Not every session goes perfectly or as passionately as we want it too. Perhaps she was tired too. The best way to find out is to talk with her. . Good luck.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lovetopleasewife said:


> She said, you can do it yourself and then she turned over away from me.


What's to be confused about? People do what they want and don't do what they don't want to. Your wife was only interested in putting forth a minimal effort. Lying there like a corpse was easier than helping you masturbate.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

Trying2figureitout,

Thanks for the post. I think the "No Thanks" is a good thing. I don't want lame sex, I don't want pity sex. I want to be desired and wanted. 

How long has it been for you?


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

I took that quiz just now out of curiousity. I have "nice guy tendencies" lol. One foot in, one foot out.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

justbidingtime said:


> Okay as always context helps..... Age, Any kids, how long have you been married????
> 
> As for the post, am bored reading the same over and over...... I guess the question is why the hell are you giving her a massage every night (even Trying has stopped with the nightly foot massages), when it does not lead to sex? As mem11363 would say "You're rewarding bad behaviour".... I remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry was dating a Massage Therapist and couldn't get a massage. Point was it was her job and she had no interest to give one when done work as a massage is "work".
> 
> Leave massages to professionals and rub up to her in bed. If you get "intimate" then incorporate a massage, otherwise forget it......


Sorry to bore you with the post, but you still responded so must be some interest.

Married 1.5 years, both been married before. We have 5 kids half the time. 3 from my prior marriage, 2 from hers. We are in our mid 30s. Kids range from 6 to 12.

I am not sure why I still give nightly massages. I am a pushover and when I ask for a massage she tells me no. She also calls me selfish if I ask for sex or a massage. Does not seem right now I am thinking about it.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I have too much pride to settle for pity sex. I'm a woman and if my husband did that to me I'd choose my vibrator over him and I wouldn't care if he knew either.
> 
> Have you read no more mr nice guy? You need it.


I have not read it, but I have heard a lot about it. I probably need to read it.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> She's emotionally disconnected from you at the moment. Find out what it is to meet her needs. Us women are different when it comes to what type of needs need to be met, just as men are. Talk to her and find out. Once she feels her needs are met, things will get better.
> 
> Or if it was a one time thing, she may have not of been in the mood and doing this because she loves you. Not every session goes perfectly or as passionately as we want it too. Perhaps she was tired too. The best way to find out is to talk with her. . Good luck.


This has been a multiple time thing that is getting worse. I ask her what she needs. Her response, I have told you before and if you did not listen that is not my fault. :scratchhead:

In the past she said she needs to be treated nice, talked to nice and never critized about anything.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lovetopleasewife said:


> I am not sure why I still give nightly massages. I am a pushover and when I ask for a massage she tells me no. She also calls me selfish if I ask for sex or a massage. Does not seem right now I am thinking about it.


Ah and the light starts to come on....

You meet her needs but she doesn't meet yours.

Time to change your life and it starts by focusing on YOU not her.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Ah and the light starts to come on....
> 
> You meet her needs but she doesn't meet yours.
> 
> Time to change your life and it starts by focusing on YOU not her.


Yea, I think you are right. I have been doing that a bit more. I started riding my bike everyday, took off during the day to go jet skiing by myself and doing more things like I used to do, but still doing everything for her as well.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lovetopleasewife said:


> Yea, I think you are right. I have been doing that a bit more. I started riding my bike everyday, took off during the day to go jet skiing by myself and doing more things like I used to do, but *still doing everything for her as well.*


Take it from me you can't 'nice' someone into meeting your needs. That never ever works. 

All that does is get you taken advantage of.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

lovetopleasewife said:


> Trying2figureitout,
> 
> Thanks for the post. I think the "No Thanks" is a good thing. I don't want lame sex, I don't want pity sex. I want to be desired and wanted.
> 
> How long has it been for you?


Since really involved sex 11 months.... none in between. My wife got seriously injured that took a good six months for her to heal. Also i accidentally nicked her with my fingernail last time we had sex trying to bring her to a rocking orgasm. She mentioned that recently. I showed her my perfectly trimmed nails. She was really enjoying it until that happened...that was the first time in two years she was really fully involved and fully enjoying herself.... it was nice until my finger slipped out. Its hard to control when its been so long.

So this year has been interesting, I took great care of her while she healed... I confronted her on texting the OM also talked to him. They've toned it way down. Lately been doing the heavy push to resolve our issue that's running on three years since ILYNILWY had some sort of sex 9 times over that period.

Now I want it all. Willing to wait for her to come fully around... we are its just taking our time to do it right. Won't be long into we roll into a new and much better sex life. Lots of communication and understanding it needs resolved. Shes getting her mind wrapped around it again. We both know this sexless thing has to end. She knows we are at the edge. My wife is super hot too..its cruel but necessary. Short term pain long term gain. its all a game so WIN.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If she says she is not feeling loved the only response from you needs to be: 'why is that'? 

Instead you gave her your resume as a partner. 

If I say' I am angry at you' and hear back 'this is why you shouldn't be', that just makes it worse. 

When she says 'I don't feel loved', the last thing I can the world you want to do is give her a sales pitch on why you are a great partner. 

That doesn't mean being a doormat. If you ask her and she says stuff that is clearly a fitness test just look at her and listen. And when she finishes put the ball right where it belongs. 

Or she might think you are smothering her and that is why the don't feel loved. 

That game works like this:
- you: I am unhappy about our sex life
- her: I told him again and again not to smother me bit he won't listen. He is whipped and it is a turn off. I am tired of this conversation and am going to avoid it


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> If she says she is not feeling loved the only response from you needs to be: 'why is that'?
> 
> Instead you gave her your resume as a partner.
> 
> ...


MEM, 
I think you have it about right. I appreciate the honesty and I do need not respond with a resume, but just ask Why. 

You right about tired of the conversation, we need it to change.


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

I think your screen name pretty much tells me the troubles you are having......


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

So if she says go for it, and you just pull off her nightclothes and go down on her with gusto, she still would not find that arousing? I don't get it. Is she on an anti-depressant or something?


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

indiecat said:


> So if she says go for it, and you just pull off her nightclothes and go down on her with gusto, she still would not find that arousing? I don't get it. Is she on an anti-depressant or something?


No, she would find it arousing. Issue is I can't get going when she says go for it and then just rolls over and ignores me. If I could get excited about her just laying there, then she would get into it.

BTW, our sex life before this all starting was awesome, great orgasms, all positions, trying everything and having a great time. For both of us, best sex of our lives.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

justbidingtime said:


> I think your screen name pretty much tells me the troubles you are having......


I was just going to make the same observation! You love to please your wife, but she has no interest in pleasing you. So what to do?

Stop the nightly massages. Stop doing any extra chores around the house. Focus on your own interests. Be a man who is confident and strong. She will respond to the new you who is attractive because he does not display weakness by catering to anyone's selfish behavior.

Wait for your wife to notice the change in you. She will be curious about where the puppy dog behavior went, and she will want to attract this guy whose inner strength and confidence proclaims that he is a partner to be desired.


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> I was just going to make the same observation! You love to please your wife, but she has no interest in pleasing you. So what to do?
> 
> Stop the nightly massages. Stop doing any extra chores around the house. Focus on your own interests. Be a man who is confident and strong. She will respond to the new you who is attractive because he does not display weakness by catering to anyone's selfish behavior.
> 
> Wait for your wife to notice the change in you. She will be curious about where the puppy dog behavior went, and she will want to attract this guy whose inner strength and confidence proclaims that he is a partner to be desired.


To me it is just the massages that drives me crazy. They have 5 children between them. Be a man, do what is expected of a good husband, just don't bend over backwards.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

justbidingtime said:


> To me it is just the massages that drives me crazy. They have 5 children between them. Be a man, do what is expected of a good husband, just don't bend over backwards.


I think I get it, I will stop the nightly massages. It will only take a few days before she notices something is different.


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

lovetopleasewife said:


> I think I get it, I will stop the nightly massages. It will only take a few days before she notices something is different.


And then you tell her that massages are an intimate act and I do it not just because I love you, but in the hopes it leads to more. You know that and so do I. 

Let's be 100% honest...... Would you rather work hard, massaging me, getting the kinks out, tiring yourself out...... or go to sleep, read a book or watch your favorite show????


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It appears to me she has detached from you. I sense the lack of interest in sex is a symptom of what is going on with her not the underlying issue. Somehow you need to get to the root issue. Marriage counselling perhaps?


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> It appears to me she has detached from you. I sense the lack of interest in sex is a symptom of what is going on with her not the underlying issue. Somehow you need to get to the root issue. Marriage counselling perhaps?


I asked her about MC, she said I can go because it is my issue to solve, there is nothing wrong with her.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> It appears to me she has detached from you. I sense the lack of interest in sex is a symptom of what is going on with her not the underlying issue. Somehow you need to get to the root issue. Marriage counselling perhaps?


Good point. Are there any hidden resentments on her part? Blending two families is not easy, and there needs to be open communication about problems that arise. Does she tend to be passive aggressive and avoid conflict? This could manifest in ignoring your intimacy needs, a way to punish you for underlying resentments on her part.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

lovetopleasewife said:


> I asked her about MC, she said I can go because it is my issue to solve, there is nothing wrong with her.


Are you married to my wife?????


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

lovetopleasewife said:


> This has been a multiple time thing that is getting worse. I ask her what she needs. Her response, I have told you before and if you did not listen that is not my fault. :scratchhead:
> 
> In the past she said she needs to be treated nice, talked to nice and never critized about anything.


 Never is asking a lot. We all have our bad days. It really takes a very patient person to never criticize. My husband is one of those patient people and I have no idea how he does it. I am very grateful though.

Those are not my needs, mine are physical touch. I need to be sat next to, holding hands and conversation. I get all of it from my hubby. It took me a while and an injury that I was taking life for granted in some ways. The light bulb went off and I'm now constantly trying to improve myself. I like little the things he does for me. Nothing too extravagant, I like a simple life.

If you are constantly criticizing, maybe you need to tone it down. I see where she's holding resentments. My ex h was really bad, the damage was done and unrepairable. Once I emotionally disconnected I was done. I told him I was done and I left. I'm not comparing you to my ex at all, but this is how I felt.

Good luck to you. It sounds as this is a major issue. I have no idea how to fix it, but others do. Take their advise.(I have not read all the responses).


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

lovetopleasewife said:


> I asked her about MC, she said I can go because it is my issue to solve, there is nothing wrong with her.


Ding ding ding... there is your issue. YOU SHOULD BE ECSTATIC YOU FOUND IT!!!!

*It is NOT just your issue!*

You have to get her to understand that before you get what you want!

Have to convert that to OUR issue....over time. Took me two years to get to that realization with her.

Op... its a fine line how to walk the walk. You have to be careful not to make it seem like her fault. Always phrase things in a firm but positive light.

You can say for instance I agree we don't need a third party in OUR business this is between US....this is a great opportunity for US to learn how to resolve conflict TOGETHER.

Or its not YOU its the situation WE created together.

I LONG for more emotional and physical contact with YOU my SPOUSE.

I want us to better OUR marriage. One in which we both strive everyday to meet each others needs. WE have to learn from this and get deeper about each other with this OPPORTUNITY in OUR MARRIAGE.

We are in this TOGETHER....

Get the idea OP?

In fact I take it so far as to tell my wife I support her in anything she wants to do including withholding sex from OUR marriage as long as she understands the consequences of doing so.

Don't ATTACK..Educate.

Let her know YOU are walking the same PATH as her... she is not alone.

MOST OF ALL... Do not be afraid of your wife that you might upset her and get less sex. Hold out for good sex. She CAN provide that to you... if she wants to.

Ideally create a finite correction period where you both put everything on the plate so to speak... make it undesirable to return to so when you resolve it its resolved.... permanently.

OLD...CORRECT...NEW


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

I think she does resent me for getting upset when she did not want to have sex with me. I think a lot of that still lingers.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Are you married to my wife?????


I hope not for that would start a whole new thread!


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

lovetopleasewife said:


> I asked her about MC, she said I can go because it is my issue to solve, there is nothing wrong with her.


In a way she is right. She doesn't have a problem...you have. 

I think you need to find some way to explain to her how her behaviour makes you feel. Accept responsibility for it. She's not making you feel that way...you feel that way in response to her behaviour. 

Presumably, if she has a vested interest in your relatioship she will want to help you feel better. Whether that means her acting differently or educating you why she does act the way she does so you feel differently in response to it is up to the two of you to resolve. 

I think it's inconsiderate of her to simply say it's your problem so it's up to you to solve it. We can't simply change the way we feel just because someone says we should.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lovetopleasewife said:


> There is no kissing, no touching at all by her to me, she tells me she is too tired for her own orgasm and is rolled up against me, but not where we can have any eye contact. I just can't get aroused knowing that it is only for me and that she does not desire sex and not feeling any physical touch by her.


Then tell her that. Tell her you want some physical touch, kissing, tell her what you like, what gets you going; ask her what she likes too.


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## smilinatu (Jan 9, 2012)

lovetopleasewife said:


> I think she does resent me for getting upset when she did not want to have sex with me. I think a lot of that still lingers.


I posted this in reply to your initial post in your other thread, but I think it belongs here:

How aggressive and unreasonable were you in that first discussion when you told her you felt rejected? It sounds like this discussion leads to a “few months” of a colder shoulder from her. The question is whether her reaction was reasonable, and the answer depends on how unreasonable or aggressive you were in that first conversation. 

A telling thing here is that she stopped performing oral sex when she used to give you oral pleasures about once each week. I'm guessing she knows that is special to you. This sounds either like she is punishing you or she no longer feels close enough to you to engage in something that personal. 

Do you think she was over-reacting? I’m asking this because I wonder if there is something else going on here. I’m not suggesting another man; there's absolutely no reason to even suspect that. I just wonder if she was upset about something else before your first conversation, and that’s why there was a decline in sex before you even addressed it.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Never is asking a lot. We all have our bad days. It really takes a very patient person to never criticize. My husband is one of those patient people and I have no idea how he does it. I am very grateful though.
> 
> Those are not my needs, mine are physical touch. I need to be sat next to, holding hands and conversation. I get all of it from my hubby. It took me a while and an injury that I was taking life for granted in some ways. The light bulb went off and I'm now constantly trying to improve myself. I like little the things he does for me. Nothing too extravagant, I like a simple life.
> 
> ...


I do think never is very strict. My wife is very sensitive to any criticism and most time I dont even


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Then tell her that. Tell her you want some physical touch, kissing, tell her what you like, what gets you going; ask her what she likes too.


I have shared and she shared with me also. She is not in a place to give me any of my needs or even kissing. She is very resentful and upset with me.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

smilinatu said:


> I posted this in reply to your initial post in your other thread, but I think it belongs here:
> 
> How aggressive and unreasonable were you in that first discussion when you told her you felt rejected? It sounds like this discussion leads to a “few months” of a colder shoulder from her. The question is whether her reaction was reasonable, and the answer depends on how unreasonable or aggressive you were in that first conversation.
> 
> ...


I think she was overreacting. She gets upset very fast and likes to point blame and make many hurtful comments and does not normally forgive or apologize when things go bad. My first discussion was very fact oriented and I said how it makes me feel rejected. Her reaction is that she can never satisfy me and she said I called her a failure as a wife (never said any of that). With the oral sex she said she feels like a failure because I dont come very often with oral. She said i am to difficult.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

First, stop letting her treat her vagina like it is a "gift" to you that she's "allowing" you to use even though she feels you don't deserve this "gift". Great sex is a gift given to each other. Use of a body part is not. 

Time to turn the tables my man. Stop picking up her "sex crumbs" she tosses at you. Every single time you do, you lose a little bit more of her respect and desire for you. You're chipping away at something (her desire for you) where there isn't much left to chip at.

You'd better get the attitude and knowledge pretty quick that SHE WANTS IT EVERY BIT AS MUCH AS YOU DO. You, however, are "pushing all the wrong buttons", and it is burying that desire in her.

She'd likely TELL you what she wants, IF SHE KNEW! She doesn't. Most women don't. The THINK they want you to help around the house more (then don't understand why they don't feel differently). The THINK they want you to kiss their azz (then don't understand why they don't feel any differently). They THINK they want you to stop "pressuring them for sex", and then when you stop they again don't understand why they don't feel any differently. 

What she wants is to be attracted to you (mentally). She may not even know that she is not, and is grasping at straws trying to find the answer. But rest assured, she isn't attracted to you mentally. So, why is that? You've either done something to her to make her lose attraction (treat her badly, lose your temper, drink too much, being lazy and not keeping up your end around the house, etc), and / or she has stopped trying to "work" to keep you. Because she KNOWS she has you, and every time she ratchets down her efforts to continue to keep you, you plod along and instead of pulling back from her, you continue on letting her believe this behavior is okay.

A great part of sexual attraction and desire is feeling as though the one you desire is worth pursuing. So, let her pursue. She wants to do that and needs to do that. She does not want you to put up with her bullchit, no matter what she THINKS she wants or what she tells you she wants. She THINKS this is just "how it is" and doesn't want to be bothered. So she comes up with a bunch of excuses or offers pity sex to get you to back off. Because she doesn't know what the hell else to do. BUT, YOU SHOULD KNOW.

1. Stop treating a sexual act with her like it is a need. What you need is intimacy during sex. Desire during sex. But you can't tell her that (because you'll look like a wuzzy and chip away even more at that attraction). What you need to do is bring that out in her. You can't ask her to feel it...she just needs to on her own. And THAT, believe it or not, is largely up to you.

2. Stop giving her massages. She's not meeting your physical wants, so stop meeting hers. She does not appreciate the effort... NOT IN THE LEAST! It may feel nice to her, but she does not appreciate it. Because you're giving her massages despite the fact she's not giving to you in return for one thing, and for another because she feels it is just an effort or manipulation on your part to initiate sex. You're giving her a massage that physically feels good, but in her head, she's cringing thinking "OMG, he's gonna want sex now". And it turns her even further off.

3. DO do your part around the house. And not a damn bit more. If you do more than your part it should be out of appreciation and affection for her, NOT because she THINKS she needs more help because she THINKS she's "too tired" or "too stressed" for sex. That is the lamest of the lame reasons a woman will give. Easily proven by the fact that when you were first dating, remember how you'd go at it like bunnies all hours into the night, despite having to get up early, having a bad day, or having a lot to do?

4. Start working on yourself. Improve yourself. Physically if need be. And by getting a LIFE outside of the home. Even if it's a night a week or a few hours on the weekend. Get an interest outside of the damn house and away from her. Meet people. Do things. Outside of the house. This does a few things: Makes you happier. Gets you out from under her feet. Makes her wonder who you may be meeting (in other words, it opens up "options" for you in her head). She can't be quite so lazy in loving you and will have to work harder to keep your focus on only her if she feels "threatened" by you having "options". This is NOT to say you should pursue these "options" or make her jealous. It is to say that when you are out doing something for yourself, you are NOT THERE, are meeting people, and in the back of her pretty head somewhere deep, there's an instinct there that tells her if she's not doing enough to keep you, someone else may come along and make an effort to do so.

5. Start "pulling away". Treat her "less nice" when she pulls this behavior. Never yell, beg, cry, plead, etc. Just stop treating her like a queen when she does not deserve to be treated as such. You can reason with her (meaning letting your feelings be known reasonably), but if you yell, beg, cry, plead, etc., you're again just chipping away at that attraction. Those are not the types of "consequences" you want her to have as a result of not treating you great. The "consequence" you want her to have is a growing fear of losing you. And THAT IS NOT MANIPULATION, because she can and should be losing you if she's given up on the marriage, treating you right, or pleasing you. You just need to "man up", stop being a nice guy, and start making it happen. 

6. When she is again treating you well, start treating her better. Like "out on a date" better. Start romancing her more. Romance may initialy "get" the girl for you, but rarely "keeps" a girl for you. For that you need long term attraction. And that must be a constant.

Good Luck!


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

All of this reminds me of some advice given me a long time ago about dating from someone who was much better at it than I was. Pretty simple, but the basic attitude can carry over into relationships:

"Stop calling so much. Stop asking for the next date when you're out on a date. Give her room to think...about you AND HERSELF. The more you're around and underfoot essentially assuring her you're hooked and not going anywhere, the more time she'll spend on thinking about what might be wrong with YOU instead of wondering what more she could do to get another date with you and keep you". Complacency is an attraction killer. Don't let her get complacent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

donny64 said:


> First, stop letting her treat her vagina like it is a "gift" to you that she's "allowing" you to use even though she feels you don't deserve this "gift". Great sex is a gift given to each other. Use of a body part is not.
> 
> Time to turn the tables my man. Stop picking up her "sex crumbs" she tosses at you. Every single time you do, you lose a little bit more of her respect and desire for you. You're chipping away at something (her desire for you) where there isn't much left to chip at.
> 
> ...


Wow! Excellent post!


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

Update;

I really appreciate all the post, suggestions and help offered, it is much appreciated and lots of good people on here.

Yesterday, I bought the book "No More Mister Nice Guy" and when I purchased the kindle edition on Amazon, my wife noticed when she was at work that I bought this book. She sent me an email asking if I bought it, I responded yes. Then she responded that she did not think that would help things and it would make things worse. She did say you can read what you want and if you want more of my opinion to ask.

I did respond back and said, the title is deceiving on this book and it was more about a healthy self-confidence and becoming a guy that was attractive to his wife. She responded back that she wanted to read it with me and discuss the book and if I was OK with that. I told her she could read it also and I would be willing to discuss.

So last night I read the first two chapters and we got into a discussion regarding the book and talked specifically on a section in chapter two that talks about a Mr. Nice Guy's ultimate affirmation is to have a SO willing to have sex with them. That lead us into the entire discussion about needs -vs.- wants, then that lead to a discussion that she resented me because we had sex when she did not feel like it, but she did it for me and now feels like a prostitute of sorts and is not interested in sex right now. The conversation became rather long, but very productive and instead of blowing it off and saying it is your problem to solve, we had a very productive deep discussion with no argument and both felt better about it. So here was the outcome of the discussion: and BTW, no sex last night (I was OK with that) and NO MASSAGE!! I did not do it.

1. She agreed to say "no" to me for sex when she really does not want to have sex to avoid building up any resentment, which was a big issue for her.
2. I agreed when she says no, just to accept it and understand that she does not want to have sex. It is not about me, she is not in the mood for sex with anyone. I agreed to stop taking it personally.
3. She actually brought up the point that if I don't want to give a back rub, pack her lunch, etc. to just say no and she totally understands and will not get upset at it and understands I need to say no more often.
4. We both agreed that sex should just be fun and that it does not need to be romantic every time. Sometimes, we just need to get laid.
5. We discussed that we are both fully committed and gave the security that we will not leave the relationship and are going to make it better.
6. She wants to have bragging rights with her friends again. Ever since we have been together, she always had more sex, more orgasms and was the happiest one of all her friends regarding her sex life. She wants it back and she is hurting from the lack of sex. 
7. She acknowledges that I want oral sex more often and wants to give that to me, but needs time to feel safe and build back our normal sex life first and then will work on addressing giving oral sex.
8. I acknowledged that I reacted in a very bad way when we did not have sex and I accepted that responsibility and asked for her to forgive me for that part.
9. She said that she wants to not live in the past and she is just happy to move forward now she knows I understand how she feels.
10. If there is a night I really need sex, she wants me to masturbate so I am not so pesky and grumpy the next day and I need to find a place to do it if she is not in a mindset to help me out.
11. We are going to read No More Mister Nice Guy together and discuss.
12. She feels smothered and one thing that would help if we did not shower together every day. We have done that for a long time and she wants some alone time, which also gives me a chance to masturbate if I need to.
13. I told her I was not going to accept pity sex unless she showed some effort. Laying on her stomach doing nothing was not acceptable for me, unless I was already arroused and just needed to get off.

So I am not sure how it is going to go, but I think we are on a better path because she was ready to talk when she noticed I was not going to just fold. I will try to post updates from time to time. Hopefully back to a mutually satisfying sex life soon.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Sounds like a productive discussion to me. I think it's great that you were able to get so much out into the open. It's a lot easier to work on things when you actually know what the issues are. Work at keeping the lines of communication open.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

It's a little unfortunate she found you got the book, because she'll be more than ready to offer her imput about "well, that won't work with me". Not that the book is anything to be ashamed about or hidden, but would have been better if you'd of been able to dip your toe in the water and start trying this stuff out and see how she reacted to it to gain confidence in it and yourself. As it is now, she may feel manipulated with your new changes.

You'll likely get a lot more out of the book than we can post up in a few posts, but here is one thing I follow for myself no matter what...and it sounds corny, but it works: *Stay "true" to yourself.* That's it. If the W is doing something that pizzes me off, I let her know. If I'm unhappy about something she's doing or not doing, I let her know. If she snaps at me, I stop the conversation and let her know not to take me for granted or take her bad day out on me. If she says "no" to sex or rejects me harshly, I start pulling back. And I tell her I do not tell her "no" or reject her harshly, and I expect she treat me with the same respect and courtesy. "No" does not work for me. It's rude. And I won't be treated like an errant boy going for the cookie jar. She can respond however else she likes, as long as it's polite. "Not now baby, I don't feel good, but how about tomorrow?" Is worlds better and different than "no".

There's a lot to it, but what I follow for me is to never let resentment build in me. If I don't like how I'm being treated, I calmly but directly let her know. If it continues, there are consequences (me pulling back). What this has done is built an environment with us where she has learned the benefits of this, we are both this way, and we just don't have any issues we resent each other over. No pent up anger or hurt. Nothing snowballs. She herself has changed so drastically she says she cannot even recognize the wife she was in her previous marriage versus the one she is now. Arguments. Yelling. No sex for months and months on end. No romance. No enjoying each others company. Avoiding each other instead of seeking each other out to spend time together. All due to the resentment that built within that marriage and all in the name of "keeping the peace" and not bringing about concerns about smaller points. And it snowballed and the resentment built. Don't let that happen to you and your wife. I've been there and done it too in a previous marriage, and it sucks. I've learned a better way, and that is simply to stay true to what you're feeling and what you want...and not settling for less. "Nice guys" don't get this, feel unworthy of their woman, or just want to "keep the peace" and "not make a mountain out of a molehill", and instead resort to azz kissing to try and make things better. Resentment builds in them, and it also builds in their women because they are losing attraction for the unchallenging doormat their husband or boyfriend has become. 

Women and men are the same in one regard...we all like to feel like the person we're with is worth pursuing and working for. It creates good tension, is exciting and stimulating. That ramps up attraction. When someone is constantly underfoot and kissing our azz despite how bad we treat them, we start to resent them, and on some subconcious level believe if they don't think more of or value themselves more than that, then they're not worthy of us. And attraction and desire goes right out the window.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

Donny64,

Thanks for the advise. We share an amazon account and my kindle is tied to her account, I thoght she would not notice, but she did. After reading chapter 1, then encourage your spouse to read it with you, so I feel better about that now.

I will stay true to myself and thanks for the not so corny advice.

Her and I speak our minds about other people and things, but not always to each other so we can keep the peace. Last night we got a lot of that out and we really understood each other. I honestly think we are on the right path.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

donny64 said:


> If she says "no" to sex or rejects me harshly, I start pulling back. And I tell her I do not tell her "no" or reject her harshly, and I expect she treat me with the same respect and courtesy. *"No" does not work for me. It's rude. * And I won't be treated like an errant boy going for the cookie jar. She can respond however else she likes, as long as it's polite. "Not now baby, I don't feel good, but how about tomorrow?" Is worlds better and different than "no"..


Totally agreed.
When I read about how some wives say "no" to their husbands and they _way_ they reject them, I always wonder "Why?" and I get shocked to be honest.
There are many ways to reject someone. You can still reject them by being nice, polite and affectionate. You can still reject them but at the same time showing interest and make them feel loved, especially when it's about your partner. 
It's surprising how some wives are rude and disrespectful when rejecting their husbands, especially when they don't deserve that way of rejection.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Now that saying no when she doesn't want to is on the table be prepared to hear it a lot more often. Do NOT let it get abused. If you're not getting regular sex because of this new found revelation of the word "no" it can quickly turn into a sexless marriage if you don't put your foot down.

My wife doesn't "feel" like having sex either. She doesn't even say know anymore. She doesn't have to...I don't ask.

Don't be like me. Respect her wishes but value your needs. If she's not meeting them be sure to address it before it gets out of hand.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I agree with letting her know about your displeasure. I'm probably guilty of letting it go too long then making a mountain out of it.

Probably better just to constantly remind her she's dropping the ball. LOL.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> It's nearly impossible to get turned on if the woman is just lying there.


My sentiments exactly!


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I agree with letting her know about your displeasure. I'm probably guilty of letting it go too long then making a mountain out of it.
> 
> Probably better just to constantly remind her she's dropping the ball. LOL.


YES! Many fear "making a mountain out of a molehill", and don't say anything...and before you know it you're both standing on top of Mount Everest.

Women WANT and NEED men they respect, love, and have to "work for" to keep their interest. Beng married for I don't care how many years does not change that. 

My W was not used to a guy like me when we met. Maybe a few too many times when we were dating she'd say "I feel like I can't do anything right". Because she was not used to someone expressing displeasure about her tantrums, moods, or rudeness in sexual rejection. She's attractive, a keeper, and an amazing woman. And all men before me, to include her ex husband of 20 years, were afraid to call her on her crap when she pulled it. Or feared more friction if they did. Me? I didn't care. I knew what I wanted. She was going to "shape up" and be that person, or I'd move on to the "next one". And I let her know that (though not in those terms).

I have a saying about my W that she completely concurs with. And that is this..."when we first met and dated, she felt she could sometimes do nothing right (an exageration on her part, and a "hissy fit" because she was not used to being called on her crap). Now she feels as though she can do no wrong." And it is so true. She almost NEVER does anything to annoy me. Because she strives to keep me. Because she's amazing and I strive to keep her. And I KNOW the one, single, easiest way to lose her is to let her believe for one minute that I'm not worthy of her. And that I think less of myself than I think of her. Fact is, I just don't. I'm a good man. She'd better be "on her toes" to keep me. Because I'm damn well "on my toes" to keep her. Every day. But, I won't sacrafice my happiness, self respect or self worth to do so. Because I DESERVE better than to do that to myself. J deserve a woman who will make me happy, and won't settle for less. She knows that and believes that. As do I about her. She'd take off in a "New York minute" if I treated her badly. And I'll do the same if she treats me badly. We believe this about each other. And it brings a tremendous amount of respect for each other. As a result, we treat each other exceptionally.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Now that saying no when she doesn't want to is on the table be prepared to hear it a lot more often. Do NOT let it get abused. If you're not getting regular sex because of this new found revelation of the word "no" it can quickly turn into a sexless marriage if you don't put your foot down.
> 
> My wife doesn't "feel" like having sex either. She doesn't even say know anymore. She doesn't have to...I don't ask.
> 
> Don't be like me. Respect her wishes but value your needs. If she's not meeting them be sure to address it before it gets out of hand.


You bring up a good point. I pray to God it does not turn into a sexless marriage. Last night we had a great night as far as spending time together, no arguments and everything was going great.

However, I was an IDIOT last night and still massaged her again and after an hour I was ready for more than just a massage, but she was perfectly content with going to sleep without even a single sign of affection towards me. That made me feel even more resentful and I understand I set myself up for it. She is not feeling the need to do anything for me yet. I know things take time and I am putting that in perspective. However, this is the longest I have gone without sex in our entire relationship and I am not a happy camper. 

You guys have given me good advice and I know I need to implment it. I do a ton of things for her everyday, it is more than just the massages. This morning, I am not going to pack her lunch for her, not going to make her coffee for her and just back off some. I can't nice her into meeting my needs and there is no reason for me to do things that she does not appreciate. I think this morning, just like I am doing now, spend that time to do something for myself instead of doing it for her.


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

Did you leave her a bill for $90 for the massage?????

I like rubbing my wife's back, cuddling in bed and rubbing body parts. I leave massages to experts (they do it better and it's work).


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

No bill. It would come out of same account so no difference.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

donny64 said:


> *Stay "true" to yourself.*


I agree 100%. To go further with that though I want my partner to do exactly the same. If either one or both of us have to be someone we're not to make things work we're not in the right relationship.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

lovetopleasewife said:


> Update;
> 
> I really appreciate all the post, suggestions and help offered, it is much appreciated and lots of good people on here.
> 
> ...


You are on a losing path. This was one of the worst agreements I've heard.

You won't push her for sex, you can't ask for sex, you can't 'smother her' and you can get in the closet to masturbate if you are going to be 'all grumpy' on her.

Please list ONE thing she conceded except that she doesn't want showers or massages which might arouse you?

This is a lose.


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

JCD said:


> You are on a losing path. This was one of the worst agreements I've heard.
> 
> You won't push her for sex, you can't ask for sex, you can't 'smother her' and you can get in the closet to masturbate if you are going to be 'all grumpy' on her.
> 
> ...


Hate to say it, but I agree..... I have seen this same story played over and over...... While I agree she should shower alone and ave time alone, I also think that heck you should be using porn to masturbate to ensure the point is being made that if you are forced to find an alternate to sex with a spouse, it will be with a computer, porn and visual help.......


And stop the damn massages!!!!!!! Actually hire a female to come over and give you a damn massage in front of her....


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Women don't respect porn consumers, so she'd respect him even less (excuse me: SOLO porn consumers)

Tell her YOU are tense and need a massage after dinner one night. Her insides will immediately curdle at what you are going to ask from her. EEEW! PHYSICAL CONTACT! (Does that statement hurt? It should)

Just as you see her lips start to form a 'no thank you', go OUT and get a massage. An EXPENSIVE massage (this is not a euphemism for sex...but don't you DARE tell her that). Get it from a gu...you know what? I don't CARE what gender you use. The idea she will lose all sexual control of you will a) scare the p*ss out of her and b) anger her.


She can get over it. By the second time you go out, she will SERIOUS rethink a lot of things. If she demands information from you, tell her "I trust you to be honest about you desire. I certainly expect you to trust my fidelity".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

needguidance said:


> Touchy subject. Everybody wants to tell you to be the highlander. You know how hard it is to fight yourself in a situation like this? To try to get what you want and receive something similar to being turned down? I mean reject is pretty bad but if not as bad as your spouse being a corpse. I've had this treatment before. She tried to play the sympathy card but she always gets into once its started. Intimacy is a beautiful thing and to remove the eye contact, the kissing, hearts touching, meeting of your minds, and producing energy as one, what a terrible thing to waste. Pretty damn selfish if you ask me. I also believe beggers can not be choosers. True, you shouldnt be begging or negotiating for sex in the first place. At the same time do you think a homeless person is going to turn down a cheese burger? Oh no, I only eat gourmet meals or I'll take a porterhouse steak. Forget the cheese burger. Nah, it doesnt work that way with sex. If you're getting it regularly or your needs our being met, then you cant start to make demands or special request. If youre up S*** creek without a paddle then you usually take what you can get until it gets better. You could always separate yourself from the situation.


I said use porn because of the ridiculous comment that he should shower alone and "do his business". Does she really think that men shower so they can masturbate????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

justbidingtime said:


> I said use porn because of the ridiculous comment that he should shower alone and "do his business". Does she really think that men shower so they can masturbate????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What a silly suggestion. Men shower to get clean, just like women.

The masturbation is a BONUS 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

Well I am somewhat surprised by the responses that I have seen and how they feel I basically caved into what she wants. You may be right. It did not help that I blew up tonight at here. Sex is off the table, again and she thinks that is all I care about. She easily forgets all the notes I send her and compliments I send her all the time about her intelligence, her being an excellent mother, her professional accoplishments and how fun she is when we go out. She is sleeping in a seperate room, but hey I did not give a backrub. This SUCKS!


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

lovetopleasewife said:


> Well I am somewhat surprised by the responses that I have seen and how they feel I basically caved into what she wants. You may be right. It did not help that I blew up tonight at here. Sex is off the table, again and she thinks that is all I care about. She easily forgets all the notes I send her and compliments I send her all the time about her intelligence, her being an excellent mother, her professional accoplishments and how fun she is when we go out. She is sleeping in a seperate room, but hey I did not give a backrub. This SUCKS!


You need to read the part in NMMNG about covert contracts.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

lovetopleasewife said:


> Well I am somewhat surprised by the responses that I have seen and how they feel I basically caved into what she wants. You may be right. It did not help that I blew up tonight at here. Sex is off the table, again and she thinks that is all I care about. She easily forgets all the notes I send her and compliments I send her all the time about her intelligence, her being an excellent mother, her professional accoplishments and how fun she is when we go out. She is sleeping in a seperate room, but hey I did not give a backrub. This SUCKS!


She sees all the crap as your PATH to sex.

And maybe this is partially true. I don't know either of you. But you don't get to say "Three massages equals a BJ"

Seriously man, a WEEK is the longest you've been without sex?

I'm rethinking this. I could do a week standing on my head...and it has nothing to do with lack of interest in my spouse. It's LIFE.

So I am also coming at it from the other direction now.

Go a week without bothering her for sex. No massages, no showers (SERIOUSLY? You ALWAYS took showers together? Looking at it from her perspective...dude, that SUCKS. A shower together is a TREAT not every day)

So back off totally. Yes, for another week. No oral, no sex, no guilt.

I get a strange feeling about this post now.


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

JCD said:


> She sees all the crap as your PATH to sex.
> 
> And maybe this is partially true. I don't know either of you. But you don't get to say "Three massages equals a BJ"
> 
> ...


Again agreed..... This guy get's too much sex to begin with and then complains it is not enough still and this is missing, that is missing, I need this, I want that.....

The showers, the notes, the massages and on and on..... Everything she sees is a means to an end.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is just angry, combative advice. 

1. Every time she wanted a night off he was a jerk about it. 

Of course that impacted her loss of desire. 

2. The shower thing is fair. She is allowed some space in their marriage. 

3. I absolutely totally agree that she should give him a massage now and then. And if she resists he was can and should start removing other things he does for her.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

If I was the wife in this situation, I would be longing for some SPACE. I love my husband, but I would not want to shower every day with him. I'd also find it a complete turn-off if my husband was doing all these nice little things for me all the time in an expectation of sex. It's not a turn-on when a man becomes whiney and pouty just because several days have gone by without intercourse. If anything it's a turn-off and this becomes a problem because I'm wanting less sex when he pouts, and he is wanting more. To me, it's so much better when he clearly communicates if he is unhappy and suggests a plan of action to change things. 

I'm a very independent woman myself, and I like to think of my husband as strong and independent as well. I don't feel very open to sex if I'm feeling smothered.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

TheGoodFight said:


> You need to read the part in NMMNG about covert contracts.


Thanks, I just finished reading that chapter this morning. It fits me like a glove. I give to get. I make contracts in my head that she is not aware of and when the other end of the contract is not fullfilled, I get resentful.

This makes it really difficult on her. Her Ex Husband was completely self centered did nothing for her, but he did not expect anything in return. I do everything I can think of for her (meaning I do things for her that I want her to do for me) and then I expect it in return. She got the total opposite of what she had, which I think makes the situation even more exaggerated. She is fed up with it and has lost most all feelings for me at this point. I have a lot of work ahead to make this work.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

JCD said:


> She sees all the crap as your PATH to sex. Agreed
> 
> And maybe this is partially true. I don't know either of you. But you don't get to say "Three massages equals a BJ"
> 
> ...


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

JCD said:


> She sees all the crap as your PATH to sex.
> 
> And maybe this is partially true. I don't know either of you. But you don't get to say "Three massages equals a BJ"
> 
> ...





momtwo4 said:


> If I was the wife in this situation, I would be longing for some SPACE. I love my husband, but I would not want to shower every day with him. I'd also find it a complete turn-off if my husband was doing all these nice little things for me all the time in an expectation of sex. It's not a turn-on when a man becomes whiney and pouty just because several days have gone by without intercourse. If anything it's a turn-off and this becomes a problem because I'm wanting less sex when he pouts, and he is wanting more. To me, it's so much better when he clearly communicates if he is unhappy and suggests a plan of action to change things.
> 
> I'm a very independent woman myself, and I like to think of my husband as strong and independent as well. I don't feel very open to sex if I'm feeling smothered.


I appreciate the advice coming from a womans perspective. I cna understand the need for space. I honestly felt I did nice things for her because I wanted to, not expecting sex. However, as I reflect more on it, I realized I did have a hidden contract in my mind and when we did not have sex I felt that contract was broken and I was upset. I understand the turn-off for her when I pout about sex. I think what frustrates me the most is that if I clearly communicate and sugest a plan of action to change to her regarding sex, she will say I don't want to talk about it, that is your issue to solve, keep me out of it.

She is to resentful at this point to have a discussion about my needs or my feelings. She is feeling hurt and could care less about me at this point. Maybe after some healing time (6 months or so?) we could have a conversation like that.


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## smilinatu (Jan 9, 2012)

lovetopleasewife said:


> I appreciate the advice coming from a womans perspective. I cna understand the need for space. I honestly felt I did nice things for her because I wanted to, not expecting sex. However, as I reflect more on it, I realized I did have a hidden contract in my mind and when we did not have sex I felt that contract was broken and I was upset. I understand the turn-off for her when I pout about sex. I think what frustrates me the most is that if I clearly communicate and sugest a plan of action to change to her regarding sex, she will say I don't want to talk about it, that is your issue to solve, keep me out of it.
> 
> She is to resentful at this point to have a discussion about my needs or my feelings. She is feeling hurt and could care less about me at this point. Maybe after some healing time (6 months or so?) we could have a conversation like that.


Maybe you should seek MC. This will take more than silence, and 6 months of continued resentment by her may just let the cement harden. Good luck.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

smilinatu said:


> Maybe you should seek MC. This will take more than silence, and 6 months of continued resentment by her may just let the cement harden. Good luck.


I asked for marriage counceling, she said she will not go.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Then you see someone. I mean you've had sex every day for a year? Seriously? The girl has never had time to let her vagina dry.

Do you think in a YEAR there has been a day when she HASN'T wanted sex? And yet she serviced you anyway.

I thought originally you were one of those sad sacks whose wife won't touch them but once a month when the moon and stars are in alignment.

Cards don't make a woman wet. Massages don't make a woman wet. She sounds like she has a very healthy sex life...just not a sex obsession (see mirror)

I hope you have something besides sex to create this relationship, because that fades.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

JCD,

Yes I get your point. It has been in the recent past that things have changed and the physical touch is in a downward spiral.

With the help of this forum, I do understand my mistakes and I take responsibility for them. My wife did have a healthy sex drive that I ruined.
We have lots besides sex to create the relationship and maintain it: We share the same religious values, we both like to cook, we are both geeks and very intelligent, we love musicals, we love to travel and despite the fighting that occurs when I feel rejected (which I get it now and understand the situation is my fault) we have a great time together. We have had date nights the last two weekends that were just amazing. If I can stop the hurt, man up and stop doing things for her with a covert contract expectation, I think we can work on rebuilding the relationship.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

lovetopleasewife said:


> I asked for marriage counceling, she said she will not go.



The sex you are being offered sounds very much like the few times per YEAR my ex and I had it the last ten years we were together. The first time it happened, I didn't know whether to be appreciative, or to leave twenty bucks on the night stand and head off to a hotel.
She doesn't want to go to counseling because she either doesn't think there's anything wrong, or she doesn't think there's anything worth saving.
Sorry


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

hookares said:


> The sex you are being offered sounds very much like the few times per YEAR my ex and I had it the last ten years we were together. The first time it happened, I didn't know whether to be appreciative, or to leave twenty bucks on the night stand and head off to a hotel.
> She doesn't want to go to counseling because she either doesn't think there's anything wrong, or she doesn't think there's anything worth saving.
> Sorry


She feels there is nothing wrong with her that needs discussed so why go.


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## Marcs990 (Oct 27, 2012)

lovetopleasewife said:


> First, I will say that my wife and I are meant for each other. We have almost identical interest, hobbies, perfect travel partner, and best friends and have the same religious beliefs. She is a great woman and I don't want her bashed and I don't want to talk negatively about her. This post is just looking for suggestions and helpful advice. If you want to bash me, no problem
> 
> My wife's and I sex life has not been the best over the past few months over some resentment with me being upset and acting like a jerk if we did not have sex. That is on another post. So she has resentment towards me and we are trying to rebuild the intimacy and are moving forward.
> 
> ...


I have a similar issue as you, my wife of 19 years has never let me touch her in an intimate way, not sure why but if I try she pushes my hand away, it's a wham bam thank you ma'am. We do have sex but not very often, when we do she just doesn't make any effort, I feel useless & awful, this has now come to a point were I am thinking of divorce. I don't want to waste my life away, I want a good relationship with someone who can be close friends and not just a robot.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

Marcs990,

I would recommend as the good people on here recommended to me the book NMMNG. I don't know your details or situation or that this does apply, but since yo have a similiar issue to mine, I think this book would help. It is helping me and things are getting better and we even had sex the night before last.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Just ordered NMMNG...hope it does me some good.


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