# I don’t know where to go from here



## Rottie3 (Dec 16, 2019)

My husband and I have been married twelve years. We have maybe been intimate 15 times. No he doesn’t have a medical issue and im pretty sure not cheating. He works our business all the time. 14 to 15 hours a day. Six days and sometimes seven.
Every time I try to talk to him he gets defensive. Lashes out and turns it around on me on everything he thinks I do wrong. Ive been seeing a therapist and she tells me he is a narsasist and will never agree that he has issues and needs to work on them.
Ive tried for years hoping he will finally want me. Desire me. Even just simply respect me. Its becoming more clearer that its never going to happen. 
Im 53. Im raising my Grand Nephew who is 3 and Ive had from birth and only knows me as mom and him as dad. We own a business together. Im scared to death about starting over and honestly who is going to want someone my age who is raising a child?! Im just as scared of never feeling loved again. Never being intimate again. I deeply long for a love and friendship. I just feel so heartbroken and lost.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Can I ask how is the business doing? Might he be stressed out about the business


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Rottie3 said:


> Im scared to death about starting over and honestly who is going to want someone my age who is raising a child?! Im just as scared of never feeling loved again. Never being intimate again.


I understand that it's scary to start over, but what do you have to lose? You're already in a sexless marriage, and you already don't feel loved. If you stay with your husband, who has proven he will not change, then nothing will change. If you leave then you have the opportunity to find a happy, loving, intimate relationship. Right now there is no shot. 

I would suggest talking to a lawyer, or two, about the business and the child. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you've decided to divorce, you're just seeing where you stand. 

Did you and your husband adopt the 3 year old?


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## Rottie3 (Dec 16, 2019)

bobert said:


> I understand that it's scary to start over, but what do you have to lose? You're already in a sexless marriage, and you already don't feel loved. If you stay with your husband, who has proven he will not change, then nothing will change. If you leave then you have the opportunity to find a happy, loving, intimate relationship. Right now there is no shot.
> 
> I would suggest talking to a lawyer, or two, about the business and the child. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you've decided to divorce, you're just seeing where you stand.
> 
> Did you and your husband adopt the 3 year old?


No. We have legal full guardianship.


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## Rottie3 (Dec 16, 2019)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Can I ask how is the business doing? Might he be stressed out about the business


The business is doing great. We have been in much worse times. If this was something new then I would say that could probably be it. He is however with out any doubt a workaholic. Everything resolves around work.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

‘Im just as scared of never feeling loved again. Never being intimate again. I deeply long for a love and friendship.’

Honey, he’s not loving you and not being intimate with you. You’re scared of your future but this is exactly your current situation. 

At least if you’re alone, you have a few dead weights on your soul lifted. It is a dead weight being married this long to a man who has only had sex with you 15 times. 

I might be terrible for saying this, but if divorce is not an option, a discreet situation elsewhere would be something to consider. You need to be in a mentally healthy state to start this, so that you know what the end result will be. And you set your own boundaries and expectations and stick to them. With confidence. For once in your life, do things your way. 

All men and women deserve to be seen, heard and desired. It breaks my heart that you’ve been through this.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Luckylucky said:


> I might be terrible for saying this, but if divorce is not an option, a discreet situation elsewhere would be something to consider.


Divorce is almost always an option. For the OP, all that seems to be stopping her is fear of the unknown. So yes, you are terrible for suggesting she has an affair. If she wants another relationship, she has to end this one first.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

That’s ok @bobert I’m happy to take criticism. Fair’s fair.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It sounds like there is a lot of control, you’re chained to the business, a child and a man who works a lot but isn’t intimate. 

Do you have friends and family and hobbies? What do you do for you? And how is he towards you when you’re glowing, happy and occupied outside these areas?


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

A discreet affair is a terrible option, an open relationship maybe not so terrible - but generally not advised as a good solution to a troubled marriage, as it will just add stress on an already strained situation. 

But if you are approaching a breaking point, and your spouse is oblivious, how do you effectively communicate the seriousness of the situation? Sometimes you have to risk losing the marriage in order to save it. Any boundaries you set, you better be prepared to follow through.....


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## Rottie3 (Dec 16, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> ‘Im just as scared of never feeling loved again. Never being intimate again. I deeply long for a love and friendship.’
> 
> Honey, he’s not loving you and not being intimate with you. You’re scared of your future but this is exactly your current situation.
> 
> ...


Thank you and your right. Even my therapist said I need to find someone who can meet the needs Im missing. I just don’t know where to look other then am and not sure I want to look there.


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## Rottie3 (Dec 16, 2019)

TurnedTurtle said:


> A discreet affair is a terrible option, an open relationship maybe not so terrible - but generally not advised as a good solution to a troubled marriage, as it will just add stress on an already strained situation.
> 
> But if you are approaching a breaking point, and your spouse is oblivious, how do you effectively communicate the seriousness of the situation? Sometimes you have to risk losing the marriage in order to save it. Any boundaries you set, you better be prepared to follow through.....


Ive told him I need my needs met many many times. He chooses to not let me go and chooses not to talk to me or fix things in our marriage. I know its going no where. I just am not in a situation where I can up and leave.


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## Rottie3 (Dec 16, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> It sounds like there is a lot of control, you’re chained to the business, a child and a man who works a lot but isn’t intimate.
> 
> Do you have friends and family and hobbies? What do you do for you? And how is he towards you when you’re glowing, happy and occupied outside these areas?


He gets resentment. I have traveled a few times with my little man and he hates it but he chooses to stay working. He knows he has me completely tied to him but I will and am doing what I can for me and my little guy. I have no friends close by and family think he is a great guy because he shows them this when they are around.


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