# Therapy during separation: what worked for you?



## SybMC (Oct 7, 2015)

Hi all -

For those of you that used therapy during your separation, what worked best for you?

Did you have individual sessions with the same therapist or differentity therapist? How often did you meet inside and outside of therapy? 

Has anyone switched therapists in the middle of a separation? How did that work?

I know it will work a little different for everyone but right now I don't have a good idea of what works best for me and my separated partner at all.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Syb - I responded in your other thread. As a caveat, I have never been separated or divorced, I have a great marriage of nearly 40 years. My wife and I have both been mentors or offered encouragement to several different men and women in your position. It is our considered opinion that an IC should not be your MC. We believe it to be a conflict of interest. Counseling has been most effective for these people when they had separate ICs and MCs.

A counselor is just like any other professional. If you don't like your lawyer, find a new one. If you don't feel comfortable with your family doctor, go to someone else. I have seen many couples switch ICs and MCs mid stream to find someone they are more comfortable with or have more rapport.

If either you or your SO feels uncomfortable with the counselor you are seeing, by all means change to someone else.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Hi Syb, 
I am a firm believer in therapy, individual and group counseling. I probably spent close to a small fortune on it, but -- it got me through, along with going to grief/divorce counseling, and then of course I spent hours I wasn't there - here on this board. LOL

I was left in July - I started seeing some woman, who was very nice - but, she was big into "And, how does that make you feel?" after everything I said, just about. I couldn't have that... You and I both know how it made me feel, don't ask - don't waste time, I needed someone who approached ME differently. Maybe that approach works for some, it didn't with me. I went to her twice a week, until September. 

In September, I switched therapists - to, the guy who probably saved my life. I stayed with him, I went 2 times a week... for a couple months, then went down to once a week. I've been with him, up until this past August when divorce was final. I'd say around May-August, I started going every - other week. It was not him who pushed for all those visits - it was me, I wanted to go - I would've gone everyday, if I would've won the lottery or something - lol.

I forget what month, but I found a Divorce support Group. That also helped me quite a bit, but this was later on in my healing - I'd say late winter. 

I'm talking to my friend right now, who is now going through a divorce (she asked for it - though) - and, she won't go see a therapist - b/c she had the same experience I had with the first one I went to. I try telling her, everyone has their own approach - keep looking for the one, who fits YOUR style/need. I've had that proven, in my personal experience alone.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Is your separation intended to allow time to work on issues so you get back together, or is it a prelude to divorce, with therapy to help with the transition?

If the former, I don't have anything worthwhile to contribute. If the latter, then IC can be helpful with the transitional issues - especially if you're the one being left. It can also help if you're the one choosing to divorce, to be sure you're coping and adopting healthy attitudes and goals. I had the latter situation, and in addition to IC for a while, I found that dating was the best therapy of all.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Hi Syb. I started individual therapy immediately after H left last year. I thought it really helped me a lot, especially those few first sessions. I was lost, sad and heartbroken. But I had a good therapist who really wanted to help me get through it. H had his own IC for just a few sessions, not nearly enough as myself. 

H refused to attend MC at first, but as time went on, he changed his mind. We started seeing a therapist that was very expensive and I felt she really didn't help much. She would give us lots of material to read and rules to follow. Then my own IC suggested we see her. So after a couple of months with one therapist, we switched to mine. And she has been the best therapist ever. Her style is very different than the first MC we saw. It wasn't bad at all to switch therapist in the middle of our separation. To this day, we continue to see her. 

Good luck and hope you find someone that can really help you both!


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## parati (Oct 20, 2015)

During separation we tried therapy first with a MC together, however the focus of the counselor was on me as to why I insisted on wrongdoing. He made me felt like a criminal on trial and I was defensive so it didn't work well. 

Later we went to a counselor who specializes in mediation and she really got down to the root of things, asking my ex to tell what she thought about me, and to explain herself and why she felt that way. I felt like this counselor was more level and fair. 

I suggest switching counselors after the second session if it doesn't feel productive, By staying with the first counselor mentioned above, too long, I was on the defensive all the time and felt like my ex and the counselor were teamed up on me, so it did more harm than good. Be careful to choose an impartial counselor.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I am currently going threw a separation. My H and I started seeing our T for MC. After a while we did some IC as well. As time went on I uncovered things from my past that impacted my future. the MC started doing a lot of IC with me, then later started working with my H to help him deal with my issues. ( I had issues stemming from a rape, and the PTSD that followed) 

We continued with the MC and the IC with the same T. As time went on i began to struggle with being abused by my H. I began do do mostly IC with my T. My H lost interest in going to T at all. Fast forward to now..... We have separated temporarily. The T sees us both in IC. I have lots to work on alone, and he does to. The T said it is not common practice for both parties to have the same T, but given my H's manipulative ways, it would take a new T 6 months to figure out what he is really all about. Plus I would have to rehash all my past issues with a new person since I would have to see his T some as well. So we both do IC with the same T. It seems to work really well. The T doesn't discuss what she and my H talk about, and vice versa. Unless I give her permission to bring up subjects to him she doesn't. That works both ways. It may not be recommended for everyone but it works for us. And that is what is important, it works for us. The end goal by the way is to work threw our issues as individuals, as well as our issues as a couple and resume with the marriage at that time.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

My XWW and I each did IC and it helped me a lot during the transition and to let go of the anger and unrealistic beliefs that I had. It was probably some of the best money I've ever spent and I highly recommend it.


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