# Time Travel: Could you stop your WS from cheating?



## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

So as the title suggests...If you could go back in time knowing what you know now, could you prevent them from cheating? Do you think being a better husband or wife, had a better job, helped out more, tried to meet all of their needs etc. would have prevented your WS from straying?

If I could go back to day 1 of marriage and changed all the negatives about me and met all her needs, I still don't think that would have mattered. It's like she was destined to cheat. I think we BS are too hard on ourselves thinking we could have fixed the marriage or their happiness but a lot of times we can't. Some people don't know how to be happy and content.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I could have stopped it. Definitely.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Depends what kind of affair it was. Male/feamle that met a fb friend, coworker, or whoever that filled a emotional need or gap that slowly led to something truly emotional and/or physical, I think you can stop that type of affair.

Systematically planned, double life, hiding, calculated, meaningless sex with escorts, sugar babies, just to try something new every so often to get a fix, once a month or every other month? I don't think you can stop this type of male behavior. It's fueled by the need to have variety, youth, or a fetish. A single woman cannot ever fulfill men with these desires. Especially if it's variety or youth driven!!


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Destined to Cheat?.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Us BS could have stopped nothing, going back in time to when? The first fight you ever had? Getting a better Christmas gift one year? Being nicer one day back in 2006 or whatever year?

Hindsight is always perfect and trying regret or wishing you had done something different now wont help. We need to learn from our mistakes and experiences to make better decisions in the here and now and future. It’s the best us poor humans got. 

BS do carry too much burden for a marriage not working yet the real irony of it for as much as blame ourselves at times all the WS had to do was tell us the problem and work toward a solution. Cheating fixed how many problems? 

“Some people don't know how to be happy and content.” Exactly!!!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Yes, if we never married. All of the great ways that we can meet our spouses needs are moot, if the spouse does not want to accept what we offer. 

I think, in the end, they were going to cheat. I was not the one she wanted to meet her needs. She didn't know that, until she cheated. She would have gotten there, no matter what. 

How many have said they did all the right things, which we know is exaggeration? When the person does not want to be happy in the relationship, they will not, no matter what we do. 

The problem is honesty with themselves and us. If they would have been honest with themselves, they never would have married, instead of taking the chance. They may even have gotten married, and then just been honest and made the changes in a different, more mature manner.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

No. My ex was going to cheat eventually no matter what. Insecurity I think. I thought maybe she and I had both learned from our failed marriage and that we would both do better round #2 but it seems she still screws around and still thinks the world is out to get her.

I categorize that under "not my problem".


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

The only way I could have prevented my ex from cheating on me would have been to not get married in the first place. Despite having a lot of things in common, things I thought were worth the hassle of the things we didn't agree on, they were ultimately deal breakers to my ex. The affair just showed me exactly what kind of disrespectful behaviour my ex was capable of and how my own needs were completely irrelevant.

Of course, had I told myself this in the early stages of the relationship, I wonder if I would have believed myself. I was completely under my ex's spell. Knowing all my sacrifices, hard work, dedication and faithfulness were ultimately unappreciated though, I would try damn hard to convince myself.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

My ex was destined to cheat. I surveyed my behaviour over the years and while I could have done things differently - she was always non-committal never really committing to things - just let's take it as it comes. Even when we married, I said "are you not concerned that this is for the rest of our lives?" to which she said "We'll take it one day at a time and see where it leads." Not exactly the ringing endorsement of commitment. BAD SIGN!


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

If I could go back in time and know what I do now I am not sure if she would do it again but if she did it would be somebody else. plus I would have won several lotteries, got to remember to take winning numbers with me.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

What's wrong with going back in time and running the other way when you see them coming. Go for the winning lotto ticket instead. What did Al say about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I don't believe so, no.

The thing is, I am ME. Popeye said, "I yam what I yam and that's what I yam." So it is with me.

I am much of the same woman I was prior to his cheating as the same woman I was when we met. Sure I gained some maturity over the years but as to my appearance, core beliefs, values, personality, sense of humour, quirks, talents, weaknesses, flaws, habits, tastes in music, libido etc. consistently the same. 

I am who he loved deeply for years until he convinced himself that he did not. I am the one he professes to love again after I let him truly feel my absence. I'm not perfect but I am good and the cheating wasn't something I did or didn't do, it was something in him. 

He knows it too because amazingly enough - after ridding himself of me - who at the time he thought was the bane of his existence, he was still miserable... he really thought all of his problems would disappear and he'd be happy as a single man, the world'd be his oyster... only to realize that me and the kids were his world after-all and being miserable was something within himself that a change in area code or relationship status couldn't fix.


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## Nostromo (Feb 8, 2014)

All this talk about time travel and nobody mentions killing Hitler or preventing the Titanic from sinking. 
What's this world coming to?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Yes, I think it could have been different. Sometimes it takes a man to accept when he should have taken more control and leadership in the relationship.
I think it is important to think about the past and use what we have learnt in the future.


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## N211SP (Apr 16, 2014)

If I had the ability to go back in time I would have changed other things first that would probably have meant I would probably never even met my WS. However that doesn't mean that it wouldn't have happened. If anyone has seen the movie "Sliding Doors" you may get the idea.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

Or the movie The Butterfly Effect.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

theexpendable said:


> So as the title suggests...If you could go back in time knowing what you know now, could you prevent them from cheating? Do you think being a better husband or wife, had a better job, helped out more, tried to meet all of their needs etc. would have prevented your WS from straying?
> 
> If I could go back to day 1 of marriage and changed all the negatives about me and met all her needs, I still don't think that would have mattered. It's like she was destined to cheat. I think we BS are too hard on ourselves thinking we could have fixed the marriage or their happiness but a lot of times we can't. Some people don't know how to be happy and content.


There is no "destiny", but... I think you might be struggling to understand why you can't make choices for somebody else. Hanging out in forums where manipulation is encouraged (even if it only is trying to "nice" somebody into doing something) might reinforce a sort-of co-dependent mindset: one where you are responsible for the choices and behavior of others. It's not true, but you see it all the time in infidelity forum subcultures.

On the other hand, "destiny" implies that nobody has a choice. Everybody has choices all of the time. Cheating is weird because it's not like it starts out as choosing between the safety of the marriage and the thrill and ego-strokes of an affair. The cheater chooses both, and they don't let their "partner" in on the deal... at least until they feel entitled to mistreat their partner because their new plan A is--at least to their mind--a viable option or ... if they get caught.

They choose to misbehave the same way a business partner might choose to embezzle funds without telling his/her business partner. If the business partner had been a real "partner" and observed the rules of partnership, they could have discussed the possibility of having the business loan them money, and you both could have decided, but stealing is an attempt to put something over on the other partner and to take advantage of their trust. It's not fated. It's a testament to their real character, real values, and their willingness to abuse your trust, and their lack of concern for how their behavior might impact you or their family. That's just who they are... when push comes to shove: there is a genuine lack of compassion for others when the impact of their actions on others might conflict with their desires, and they are able to compartmentalize it and still think of themselves as a good person very often.

When it comes to narcissistic behavior (and cheating is narcisstic behavior whether or not a cheater checks off all the DSM V boxes for NPD), this isn't even unique to cheating. There have been several studies conducted on prisoners, and one of the interesting findings is that most prisoners think most other prisoners are "bad people", but not themselves. They're good people who made bad decissions. Sound familiar? Rationalization, minimization, denial, etc. Smells similiar, doesn't it?

So if some guy mugs you, gets caught and sent to prison, there's still a good chance he's thinking "I am a good person who made some bad choices". I don't think it pays to get caught up in whether or not you could have niced him into not mugging you or pretending the mugging was fated.

If the cheating seems fated, it's because you were in a relationship with somebody who sought advantage over you. You weren't a partner, and the rules of partnership were seen as optional at least for the cheater, but probably not for you. The game was rigged: you follow the rules, but for me, the rules are optional and more "flexible",


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I couldn't stop my ex-husband from cheating. He's a serial cheater, he cheated the entire marriage, and he's currently cheating on his new girlfriend. His cheating wasn't about me or our relationship, it was about him and the way he functions in the world.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> So as the title suggests...If you could go back in time knowing what you know now, could you prevent them from cheating? Do you think being a better husband or wife, had a better job, helped out more, tried to meet all of their needs etc. would have prevented your WS from straying?
> 
> If I could go back to day 1 of marriage and changed all the negatives about me and met all her needs, I still don't think that would have mattered. It's like she was destined to cheat. I think we BS are too hard on ourselves thinking we could have fixed the marriage or their happiness but a lot of times we can't. Some people don't know how to be happy and content.


It's not like we never talked about it, getting too close to males at work.. cheating.. we even took vows. It wasn't about you at all, it was about the cheating person wanting something different. If you met all the needs, you would have been called 'weak and beta', the reason would have been that you were too nice a guy/gal.. Helped out more? Again, if you helped out too much, they'd say it wasn't sexy.. that's why, you in an apron, not alpha enough. Don't beat yourself up, like you said.. some people just always want greener grass.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

N211SP said:


> If I had the ability to go back in time I would have changed other things first that would probably have meant I would probably never even met my WS. However that doesn't mean that it wouldn't have happened. If anyone has seen the movie "Sliding Doors" you may get the idea.


Yea, if I have a time machine I go back into grade school and use my knowledge of the future to rule the world. Buy IBM.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I could not have for 2 reasons:

First, I thought we had a good marriage. The only thing I knew she was unhappy with was the fact I was a low middle class wage earner and she dreamed of having the huge house, fancy cars... That was her motivating factors and I never saw it coming. She was trolling for a rich guy.

Second, she was (or so I thought) devout. Read her Bible and prayed 2-3 hours per day (that is no joke). The last person on the face of the earth I ever thought would be a betrayer.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> So as the title suggests...If you could go back in time knowing what you know now, could you prevent them from cheating?


That question by default implies that it was MY fault she cheated (ie if I had treated her better then she wouldn't of done what she did therefore it was my actions that caused her to cheat.) I simply do not accept that. Cheating is a choice not a mistake. No one is driven to it and there are always other moral options.

Cheating is simply a subset of being a selfish person by nature. They do what they want without any regard for someone else's feelings. So they are like that before you ever met them and there was nothing you can do about it. Unless you want to go back in time and reraise them as children.

If I had a time machine, I'd rather use the opportunity more productively. Like going back in time and warning my past self to dump my future ex and go date someone else because she's trash.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Yes, I think I could have. But you know what? I wouldn't change what I did in the past - at least not for that reason. Because if I changed what I did to avoid her cheating that time, there could very well be another set of circumstances where she would do the same.

I now know what my WW is capable of; and especially since we're in R, that's valuable information.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Nope. It didn't matter what I did or didn't do - she was/is a damaged, f*cked up woman and nobody could save her. She had a loyal, loving, caring, devoted man who told her he loved her everyday and did whatever she needed to try and appease her insecurities and fears. It would've happened no matter how I changed things from my end. Everyone tells me that now - they all saw it coming (except me of course). 

People that broken and messed up can't be fixed by someone else.

Also, it's her true nature, why would I want to go back and try and make it so we would still be together? I'm free from her and her awfulness and I wouldn't change that for anything, despite the pain and anguish her infidelity and the subsequent disintegration of my dear family caused me. Sad but true.

However, I did get 2 spectacular kids out of it all, and I don't regret that for a nanosecond.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

No. Anything short of a bullet to the head wouldn’t have stopped her. She has to be right.

So, I had redflags that she wasn’t thinking like a married woman. I confronted, warned her, and tried to reason with her: This done long before she had slipped down that slope. Nope… she knew best, and spinned it however she wanted; I was controlling, jealous, paranoid, they didn’t want in her pants, I was wrong, she’d never do that, etc. Until one day they decide ‘why not?’, I won’t get caught and it’s not like I have to tell Racer. 

That’s how it goes with adulterer’s. You can no more decide for them whom they like and are attracted to than try to control a perfect stranger. You aren’t part of that choice and they already know what your answer would be. That didn’t matter. All you can really control is yourself.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I seriously doubt I could have changed a thing. I think it is just the way she is wired from what I have found out recently. No matter what I would have done, she would have found a way to :move on" like she has in all her past relationships. The only way I could have stopped it would have been a criminal act on my part.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't bother one bit with trying to guard against my ex-wife's failings as a human being.

I would inform my younger self as best I can to stay away from her!!


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Oh yeah, I could stop it. 

Could also correct some character flaws and misconceptions in a certain washed up wannabe Romeo, and alter his outlook on life.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

It's two things, one I could not have stopped and the second I could have 

She was always going to cheat and upon reflection she was always looking for it especially when at times in the marriage when you knew in your bones that things were great and could not be better, even then the odd doubt about flirting and behavior would raise it's head. It was inevitable

The second thing and of course the one thing I could have stopped is it becoming 'serial'. I could have ended it after the first time and would never have had to deal with her cheating again 

I blame myself for that - it's understandable wanting to try again knowing intrinsically that it was good, loving and supporting her - wanting to salvage that ..

..but even in my bones I knew I should be ditching her


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

in my first marriage, there are some things that I think I could have done differently..... maybe my exH and I would not have grown apart and he would not have had his exit affair.

in my current relationship,I am not so sure. As far as confronting it so that I could either rectify the situation or cut my losses, I think that having to pull together the info so that he would have not stonewalled me was key. And once again, perhaps that _talk_ could not have happened sooner.


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## StuckInAL (May 8, 2014)

i think i could have prevented my wife from cheating; if i knew then what i know now....not about the infidelity and what not....more just how to be a better husband/partner. 

i dont' think i'm responsible for my wife's cheating at all, that's a choice she made; but i am at least half responsible for the miserable state of our marriage that lead up to the infidelity.

i'm now half responsible for the better place we are in now; 7 yrs after too.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

No. Our marriage had its problems, but it wasn't in bad shape either. But the perfect storm of his physical health issues, mental health issues, poor coping skills, poor boundaries, excessive business travel, and opportunity presenting itself were things over which I had no control - those things all had to do with him.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> So as the title suggests...If you could go back in time knowing what you know now, could you prevent them from cheating? Do you think being a better husband or wife, had a better job, helped out more, tried to meet all of their needs etc. would have prevented your WS from straying?
> 
> If I could go back to day 1 of marriage and changed all the negatives about me and met all her needs, I still don't think that would have mattered. It's like she was destined to cheat. I think we BS are too hard on ourselves thinking we could have fixed the marriage or their happiness but a lot of times we can't. Some people don't know how to be happy and content.


Taking these from the top, maybe, probably not, and I wouldn't try. That would be more of the flailing has not served me so well in the WTF aftermath. 

I tried very hard in the 12 or 13 years of marriage preceding this (not to mention the 2 or 3 since). Pretty soon after our marriage my wife began to find faults in me I never knew I had. I tried to correct them. Made some progress on a few fronts, but it's like whack-a-mole or raking against the tide. There is no point and nothing to be gained.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If I could go back in time and tell my stupid self how everything would have turned out...

I could have stopped her from cheating on me- but she would have most likely just cheated on someone else. Does that count?


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I could not have for 2 reasons:
> 
> First, I thought we had a good marriage. The only thing I knew she was unhappy with was the fact I was a low middle class wage earner and she dreamed of having the huge house, fancy cars... That was her motivating factors and I never saw it coming. She was trolling for a rich guy.
> 
> Second, she was (or so I thought) devout. Read her Bible and prayed 2-3 hours per day (that is no joke). The last person on the face of the earth I ever thought would be a betrayer.


Same here. At the time, I never in a million years figured she was the type to cheat. I knew things were bad in the marriage but always wrote it off as something else. 20/20 looking back.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I couldn't have dreamed of stopping my rich, skanky XW. She was/is so deceptively crafty! She was so absolutely good at it, that I never had the first damn clue!*


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Healer said:


> Nope. It didn't matter what I did or didn't do - she was/is a damaged, f*cked up woman and nobody could save her. She had a loyal, loving, caring, devoted man who told her he loved her everyday and did whatever she needed to try and appease her insecurities and fears. It would've happened no matter how I changed things from my end. Everyone tells me that now - they all saw it coming (except me of course).
> 
> People that broken and messed up can't be fixed by someone else.
> 
> ...


Agreed. My son is worth every bit of pain I endured. Just sucks to have the family unit utterly destroyed in this fashion by one selfish person. I hope they feel like sh1t every morning when they look in the mirror knowing they torched everything around them.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

StuckInAL said:


> i think i could have prevented my wife from cheating; if i knew then what i know now....not about the infidelity and what not....more just how to be a better husband/partner.
> 
> i dont' think i'm responsible for my wife's cheating at all, that's a choice she made; but i am at least half responsible for the miserable state of our marriage that lead up to the infidelity.
> 
> i'm now half responsible for the better place we are in now; 7 yrs after too.


That's good to hear. Congrats on the hard work and R.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *I couldn't have dreamed of stopping my rich, skanky XW. She was/is so deceptively crafty! She was so absolutely good at it, that I never had the first damn clue!*


Yours and mine both. My ex never used to be able to lie to my face without giving it away. She became so freaking good at it. I was dumb enough and naive to never check things out since I never would have suspected an A. Good thing she got lazy about covering her tracks since it had gone on so long or I never would have found out. She would have left me and told every one that I was a bad guy and things weren't working out between us. Glad I got the upperhand and exposed her for what she is. Her smart phone was at the root of it too. They primarily used email so it was difficult to track.

I tell you one thing, NEVER AGAIN. I know what to look for now. Damn shame that I can never fully trust anyone like I did her.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have married my wife. We recovered after her VLTA. Life is ac2ally pretty darn good these days. Her affair was a strange combination of entitlement, spite, and naivete. 

But frack all that. If I could travel through time, why would I want 2 go backward? Why not forward?

I'd go 800,000 years in2 the fu2re and save Weena from the Morlocks. Yvette Mimieux was food!










-ol' 2long


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

2long said:


> If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have married my wife. We recovered after her VLTA. Life is ac2ally pretty darn good these days. Her affair was a strange combination of entitlement, spite, and naivete.
> 
> But frack all that. If I could travel through time, why would I want 2 go backward? Why not forward?
> 
> ...


*Now that looks exactly like a younger version of my rich, skanky XW with her BF, Lil' Lord Lardass.

And with my profuse apologies to the Morlocks, I might add! And I'm sincerely hoping that he didn't end up getting himself a rather nasty STD!

If perchance that he did, bless his heart, he certainly didn't get it from me!*


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Nope.

Anyway, if I had a time machine, the only thing I'd do with it is to go back and dump my ex years earlier.

Preferably in some horrible fashion.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> Agreed. My son is worth every bit of pain I endured. Just sucks to have the family unit utterly destroyed in this fashion by one selfish person. I hope they feel like sh1t every morning when they look in the mirror knowing they torched everything around them.


My ex claims to "eat sh*t every day". For some reason I just don't buy that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Time machine? Pssh... I'd settle for a couple of plane tickets, a nice framing hammer, and a couple of "get-out-of-jail-free" cards.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

2long said:


> I'd go 800,000 years in2 the fu2re and save Weena from the Morlocks. Yvette Mimieux was food!
> 
> -ol' 2long


Mmmmmmmm Yvette Mimieux........


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I could not stop my wife from cheating...she was a narcissist to the core. Only divorce stopped her from cheating on me.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

2long said:


> If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have married my wife. We recovered after her VLTA. Life is ac2ally pretty darn good these days. Her affair was a strange combination of entitlement, spite, and naivete.
> 
> But frack all that. If I could travel through time, why would I want 2 go backward? Why not forward?
> 
> ...


FWW actually asked me about that, and I told her point blank I'd never have married her. 

Her indignation was something else. She said "Well at least I never said anything like that to you!" I lol'd. She was hurt by my comment. 

The irony.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

lostmyreligion said:


> Mmmmmmmm Yvette Mimieux........


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Yes, I have no doubt if I had a time machine I could have stopped my WW from cheating.
I'd also go back and put all my money on Tonalist to win.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

HarryDoyle said:


> Yes, I have no doubt if I had a time machine I could have stopped my WW from cheating.
> I'd also go back and put all my money on Tonalist to win.


Fvcking Chrome. He ran like an old mare. I lost $150.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Hypothetical, theoretical, what if and or buts. All a person has to do is walk away or say no.

Very very simple IMO.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Pamvhv said:


> I could have stopped it. Definitely.


Careful! This sounds like you are accepting responsibility for his bad behaviour. Don't do that!


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

Maybe. I'm 50% responsible for the state of our marriage at the time he chose to have an affair. I think there are big changes I could have made that would have improved this and possibly prevented the affair. Hindsight being 20/20 of course. Instead we are making these changes now to hopefully affair proof our marriage in the future. Best we can do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

The problem is that the majority of BS's couldn't stop the affair by doing anything different because no relationship is perfect. The WS would find some excuse to cheat. You could look at every relationship on the planet right now and find many reasons in each for one of the partners to cheat. Even small things can be blown out of proportion.

For example. A husband leaves the seat of the toilet up. Woman talks with future OM and he'll start saying that he has no respect for her and the winning line "I would never do that". Then just need to find some more tiny little things they've done and suddenly the husband is a horrible person that doesn't love her.

Even if the BS was perfect the WS would use the excuse that they were too nice or clingy. The fact is you can't win.

But there will be some where there are reasons that brought this about. I saw one thread where the woman's husband was never having sex with her over years. I think in that case he could go back and stop it. I think these cases are in the minority though.


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