# What is a normal reaction to this?



## Lady duck (Aug 8, 2021)

I need to know what others think of this or would have reacted to this. Let's not have any context attached to this or get to whose prior faults, behaviours, achievements, similar issues etc. and assume the best or worst about either of us. 
On Friday night two of us were sitting at the table with our 11 year old daughter for dinner. Things were good as far as I could say at least, and we had take out sushi we all liked. He asked me if I had received the 'course details' I was waiting for from a friend and I said I had not and the friend may have just been busy. 
He continued politely and said he thinks the course would be good for me as I do not do much mental activities and I should do more mental activities. He continued to say that my job did not require much mental creativity and I did not read a book or engage in similar activities and was spending a lot of time on social media or with friends.
Our daughter looked at him and said you will regret saying that. He asked why and our daughter said because she (me) gave you the look. 
He responded with "I am just saying that because I love her and want what is best for her".


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I would think your daughter was the smartest one at the table right then.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Without knowing any of the details, which are important, I don't think your husband was an asshole. This is obviously something that has been discussed already and he was just checking in on the status. 

A day without learning is a day wasted. What kind of class is it?


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## Lady duck (Aug 8, 2021)

It is a course on property management that I had suggested I liked to do and then manage our rental properties myself, compared to via an agency currently. I put this on hold for now though as I am starting a new job at a University in a couple of weeks and thought there may be some benefits for staff.

I have a masters degree, so does he. He is a business development manager and I am a human resources manager. I have worked full time since I graduated Uni at the age of 23 and last year gave up a promotion as it required me to work long hours and after 18 months I realised I did not have work and life balance. In a year since then I am offered a better opportunity at a University with higher pay and let's assume they didn't just want me for my looks.

We live far away from any family or relatives and have been lucky to build a few friendships which he suggests takes too much of my time. 

Without going into any details about who may be a better or more sacrificing spouse, and just with the above background, would he be still okay to evaluate my mental stimulation and suggest that I need to do more work in this space?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Lady duck said:


> would he be still okay to evaluate my mental stimulation and suggest that I need to do more work in this space?


No. Your daughter had it right.

Let’s say through whatever situation or events your brain is stagnating. Instead of blurting out something like that why not offer something to do together?

He stuck his foot in his mouth.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tell him you love him so much that you’re concerned he’s not getting enough exercise so from now on he can do ALL the laundry, dishes and housework. 😎


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lady duck said:


> He continued politely and said he thinks the course would be good for me as I do not do much mental activities and I should do more mental activities.


The word 'should' is frowned upon in the bat-cave.

Aside from that, he's offered his take. Whether you wanted it or not. Does he have a point? Would you agree?



Lady duck said:


> He continued to say that my job did not require much mental creativity and I did not read a book or engage in similar activities and was spending a lot of time on social media or with friends.


Would you agree with this? And if you do, is it something you want to change? By his assertion, I'd be thinking that he's an avid reader or something though.



Lady duck said:


> He responded with "I am just saying that because I love her and want what is best for her".


It really depends on the dynamic between you. And perhaps tone of delivery, too.

Personally, I'd take no issue with this. My take away would be, 'Husband thinks I'm spending too much time on social media. He cares that I engage with mentally stimulating things. Maybe that speaks to him more, too. Do I agree with him?' Just because he's shared it, doesn't mean you need to agree or do anything differently; unless you feel that he might have a point and kind of agree. I think his stance could be heard without taking offense (although I don't know if you did, I'm inferring a sense of that), regardless of whether you agree or not. If you trust the intention behind his words, that it's coming from a place of caring, then I'd view it through that lens.

In saying that, if I watch a trashy show aka 'junk food for the mind' and Batman comments, I acknowledge he's right and pretty much say, 'What of it?' He agrees with the 'what of it' response and jovially then suggests maybe he ought to mind his own business (worded differently, but you get the point). I also recognize there's a balance. Eh, no biggie.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lady duck said:


> It is a course on property management that I had suggested I liked to do and then manage our rental properties myself, compared to via an agency currently. I put this on hold for now though as I am starting a new job at a University in a couple of weeks and thought there may be some benefits for staff.
> 
> I have a masters degree, so does he. He is a business development manager and I am a human resources manager. I have worked full time since I graduated Uni at the age of 23 and last year gave up a promotion as it required me to work long hours and after 18 months I realised I did not have work and life balance. In a year since then I am offered a better opportunity at a University with higher pay and let's assume they didn't just want me for my looks.
> 
> ...


Well, the masters degree is achieved so you're not currently studying, and therefore I don't understand the relevance of that here.

You're switching jobs (well done).

How much time is invested with the friendships compared to time with him; as in, why is he suggesting the friendships 'takes too much' of your time? Do you engage in mutually interesting conversation together? Is that important to you both? Do you prioritize one another?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lady duck said:


> ...would he be still okay to evaluate my mental stimulation and suggest that I need to do more work in this space?


Well, he can do whatever he likes (ya know, within reason and all that jazz).

Whether you accept it, or how you respond is up to you.

We've had threads here where husbands complain their wives do not prioritize them, and in the sense that they'd rather retreat and stay glued to their phones instead of engaging with them. Granted, that's not gender specific. Or that conversation between spouses has come to an uncomfortable halt. My point is, he's given you a heads-up of what he's observing and has stated that it's because he cares about you. What you do with that information is your call.


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## Lady duck (Aug 8, 2021)

I guess I used this recent example because it is easier to measure compared to his other suggestions of superiority (in my view) where I do not have the option of saying that I know with facts such as adequate education, a demanding job in a large corporation and career growth, I have enough mental stimulation to not deserve this comment. 

I have always been wanting to spend more time together or do things together and for him it is about the things that he thinks I like doing that are not interesting to him and things that he likes doing that I do not up-skill myself in according to him. 

He comes more from a position that he values his time by reading systematically and having personal hobbies that he is committed to. He does not love my suggestions about a walk in the park or similar activities although does participate 'because of you he says', and does not volunteer to plan things to do together ' because you do not share my interests and would not enjoy he says'.


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## Lady duck (Aug 8, 2021)

The friends he is referring to are wives of men he is also friends with and we would always hang out with together as a couple. I am more in touch with them though via phone, text etc. in a general sense and a friendly way and keeping touch about birthdays, showers and organising catch ups like anyone else I know around me to be honest. 

To him any social media presence is useless and is proud to not having any social media presence and jokes to everyone about only having seen their posts and announcements after several months.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think he was just talking to his wife, you were a little offended and looking to get angry...
One can’t get offended unless they choose to be.
I don’t think it was meant as a hurtful comment. I think it was meant just like he said.
Congrats on your new job.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Mental acuity is best maintained through physical exercise, not mental exercise, ironically enough. If you are getting more physical exercise than he is, then I would point this fact out to him. Then again, I can be a bit petty and have a pet peeve about people thinking they can condescend towards me, so maybe my idea isn't the best for keeping a happy marriage.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

The last couple of posts have a tone of irritation and perhaps resentment towards him. Which makes me go 'eep!'

You wanted to present the opening post without context as a 'measure' of sorts of other's reactions. However, unless it's a glaringly unhealthy interaction, context is relevant. I write this next bit realizing the irony of me suggesting this and yet also being a member here, that aside for the moment, if you feel some kind of way then it's valid and doesn't need validation from outside sources such as randoms on the interwebz * waving * Okay, also with that said, why not just express yourself in the moment with words, rather than the 'look' ...know what you're about and share your perspective with him; even if it's 'Oye, I feel that's pretty condescending. I'm good with my mental stimulation.' or whatever way works for you or whichever way that you interpret him. Again, I have no idea of context here either; whether you have or do express how you feel pretty openly. All I do know is, it's better out than in. It doesn't need to be argumentative either, maybe some might view it as confrontational or perhaps an element of tension, but that's not a bad thing. Any of this helping at all?


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## Lady duck (Aug 8, 2021)

All of this is helpful and helps me think. I had been very private about my problems in the past and in the recent two years confided in a couple of close friends that I trusted would not just try to make me feel victimised and actually try to help. This also came to the same conclusion that one does not need validation about how they feel about something. 

When I try telling him he should not be telling me these things (criticise me for) because they are either personal choices, something I needed to do for myself or an interest that I have, and remind him about the last time his criticism hurt, he tells me my biggest problem is my inability to take feedback and I feel hurt because I let myself hurt and either completely denies the incident or makes a comment that he was more than correct back then too . 

I then go being criticised for something I like, did or didn't do, sometimes falsely and also being criticised for not taking his feedback constructively. In moments that he is kinder, he gently suggests that all I need to change is just 'listen', meaning do exactly as he says. But then his comments are not about something that I had failed in as a wife or mother and feels more like my identity such as how well I am 'stimulating my mind'. I seem to carry my weight in life and no complains from him either, although no appreciation whatsoever unless it includes him doing that thing better. He even tells me that he does more house chores than I do and I used to remind him about all the other house chores that I do and he does not realise are getting done and after a certain point, I do not even try to convince him and just feel like if I agree that I do enough and he does better, it is all fine.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Social media and friends? What’s happening for you on social media that concerns him? It looks like the mental stimulation and job comment are a shield, or lead in to the social media and friends issue?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Lady duck said:


> All of this is helpful and helps me think. I had been very private about my problems in the past and in the recent two years confided in a couple of close friends that I trusted would not just try to make me feel victimised and actually try to help. This also came to the same conclusion that one does not need validation about how they feel about something.
> 
> When I try telling him he should not be telling me these things (criticise me for) because they are either personal choices, something I needed to do for myself or an interest that I have, and remind him about the last time his criticism hurt, he tells me my biggest problem is my inability to take feedback and I feel hurt because I let myself hurt and either completely denies the incident or makes a comment that he was more than correct back then too .
> 
> I then go being criticised for something I like, did or didn't do, sometimes falsely and also being criticised for not taking his feedback constructively. In moments that he is kinder, he gently suggests that all I need to change is just 'listen', meaning do exactly as he says. But then his comments are not about something that I had failed in as a wife or mother and feels more like my identity such as how well I am 'stimulating my mind'. I seem to carry my weight in life and no complains from him either, although no appreciation whatsoever unless it includes him doing that thing better. He even tells me that he does more house chores than I do and I used to remind him about all the other house chores that I do and he does not realise are getting done and after a certain point, I do not even try to convince him and just feel like if I agree that I do enough and he does better, it is all fine.


Yeah nah. Tell him the next time he "suggests" something like this to you, that you'll stimulate someone's brain - his, with a frying pan.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

frusdil said:


> Yeah nah. Tell him the next time he "suggests" something like this to you, that you'll stimulate someone's brain - his, with a frying pan.


So Aussie 😜 Sorry OP, not funny but that’s our Aussie way


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Lady duck said:


> The friends he is referring to are wives of men he is also friends with and we would always hang out with together as a couple. I am more in touch with them though via phone, text etc. in a general sense and a friendly way and keeping touch about birthdays, showers and organising catch ups like anyone else I know around me to be honest.
> 
> To him any social media presence is useless and is proud to not having any social media presence and jokes to everyone about only having seen their posts and announcements after several months.


Sorry I didn’t read that before I posted, that sounds like a good group of female friends, family oriented and mutual friends of his and not a threat to the marriage.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lady duck said:


> When I try telling him he should not be telling me these things (criticise me for) because they are either personal choices, something I needed to do for myself or an interest that I have, and remind him about the last time his criticism hurt, he tells me my biggest problem is my inability to take feedback and I feel hurt because I let myself hurt and either completely denies the incident or makes a comment that he was more than correct back then too .
> 
> ...I do not even try to convince him and just feel like if I agree that I do enough and he does better, it is all fine.


Oh dear, at this point my emotionally 'immature' responses start to kick in. Whereby my whiskers start to twitch and the middle finger could make an appearance. You express yourself to him, and then he turns it around about how you can't take feedback? Err sounds to me like he can't take YOUR feedback, and rather than him listen to you and work out how to adjust, he puts the ownership back on you for something that it sounds like he instigated. I wonder if him trying to keep you on shaky footing/grounds helps him to feel easy. That's not a display of 'intention' that I would personally trust.

My perspective on your original post is shifting the more that you share. Including that kind of one-up-man-ship that he's pulling. I'd be saying, 'Do you need some kudos?' or the twitching whiskers might declare, 'Must make you feel a big man to declare and keep tabs on what you do while attempting to diminish my role, yeah?' ...I'm starting to become unhelpful to you I think, as my bias is changing to feeling like I'd tell him where to shove it. By the way, keep those friendships of yours tight and close.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lady duck said:


> ... he tells me my biggest problem is my inability to take feedback and I feel hurt because I let myself hurt


...nope, sounds like your biggest problem is him. In typical relationships, I'd suggest that we don't want our spouse to feel hurt, we feel and demonstrate compassion and empathy, listen and share. Not cause the other person to second guess themselves. By the way, I'm all for personal accountability and that extends to trusting yourself, what you feel, and who you surround yourself with.

Anything else going on in your dynamic that might provide a bigger picture?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Sounds like he’s criticizing you and expects you to be a different person just to please him.

That wouldn’t work for me. Have you told him that it doesn’t work for you?

Why does he seem to be trying to have an upper hand and control over you?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He told you to read a book, because you are stupid. Nice.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I read a past study that those who do not "exercise their mind", not just stimulate, have higher percentages of dimentia and Alzheimer's cases.


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## Lady duck (Aug 8, 2021)

Can I just say that it feels good to be understood?and thank you for that. Maybe all I need is to hear that I have a right to feel hurt because it hurts. I am not just making it hurt. 

I wrote on beyondblue last year and there were a few comments particularly from one guy that was telling me that I should not need recognition or appreciation from my husband and no one can fix one's issues with self-worth and brought up examples from his own wife being needy. 

I did not feel I could talk to friends this time as I feel somehow ashamed to let this happen to me frequently and after they had suggested this did not look like something that was going to stop. 
This was after a couple of months ago when I found out an email where he had written to my doctor describing the diet pills I was prescribed had made me crazy and I was acting out at home and he was fearful for the safety of the family and blaming the doctor for prescription. I could not believe my eyes when I read the email and kept asking myself if he was truly talking about me? Plus this was not like him leaving behind a written evidence.
There were diet pills that I was taking and had told him how good they were long before that. He had not even bothered to ask me if I was still taking them, regardless of whether they were making me crazy or not. 

He was then furious that I had found the email on his iPad and made this more of an issue about what I had done (which I know was wrong and yet the distrust had pushed me to look) and somewhere between telling me how wrong I was to do that, he explained that this was directed to the doctor and he was making me look THAT bad to scare the doctor.

He had asked the doctor to meet me and ask me to stop the pills. I attended the meeting with him and showed all the filled and unfilled prescriptions to prove that I had stopped long ago. Not that the diet pills are proven to make anyone crazy but here we were.

I then sat there in shock listening to the doctor explaining to me that I should not be upset about the content of the email and things written about me because his intention was to blame the doctor and this had happened to the doctor in his career before. 

When I walked out I had believed the doctor was mostly right and his words in the email was just to make a point, but then it comes back hunting me often that as I was going through a normal day, on his lunch break my husband had sat down and wrote things about me that I never thought anyone can say about me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He might have good intentions, but they way he goes about it is appalling.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> Oh dear, at this point my emotionally 'immature' responses start to kick in. Whereby my whiskers start to twitch and the middle finger could make an appearance.


LOL That was my response after reading her first post. 

He is your husband and not your daddy. Someone has to maintain social ties and since your husband takes pride in not actively maintaining them (actually, he is insulting about it) then he needs to be thanking you. If it weren't for you, he probably wouldn't have any friends.

Arrogance is such a turn off.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Lady duck said:


> Can I just say that it feels good to be understood?and thank you for that. Maybe all I need is to hear that I have a right to feel hurt because it hurts. I am not just making it hurt.
> 
> I wrote on beyondblue last year and there were a few comments particularly from one guy that was telling me that I should not need recognition or appreciation from my husband and no one can fix one's issues with self-worth and brought up examples from his own wife being needy.
> 
> ...


Honestly, how can you sleep next to someone who would do that to you? Absolutely appalling. Your husband is not your friend.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I dunno....

I am of the type that doesn't really want to live my life walking on eggshells if I want to say something to someone...be it a spouse, gf, or whoever....So I say it....Yeah, sometimes it can be seen as being too blunt.. If you constantly hold it in, or try to couch it some way, then it usually never gets it's point across...I can't tell what he was really thinking, perhaps he was frustrated that you spend so much time staring at the phone, etc...I just don't know...

I missed your last post when I started this reply, and after reading that, it appears that he doesn't trust your judgement on decisions and needs to intervene...I do that with my daughter, but she is a kid and it's my job to guide her because I have lived a hell of a lot longer....

He may have all the good intentions, but another type of woman that was very opinionated or bold would not take kindly to it....He probably feels you are meek enough that he could impose his will on you...just a gut feeling based on what little I know of the situation..


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Honestly, how can you sleep next to someone who would do that to you? Absolutely appalling. Your husband is not your friend.


Reading that, my reaction was Whiskey Tango FOXTROT?! (that's the clean version). 

@Lady duck like others, I'm just all 'SAY WHAH?' about the doctor scenario. Sorry, I could not put up with someone behaving that way, and treating me that way - let alone my husband. Nope. Not cool. And for the doctor to back it, too? I'd be telling the doctor 'not cool' as well and finding another medical clinic to go to. Seriously, WTF.

What are you considering doing about all of this, if anything?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Any husband who writes to his wife's doctor and makes up lies about her behavior is a complete asshole. No getting around it. If she were opinionated and bold, he might try to have her committed. He is an insecure twit who makes himself feel bigger by putting his wife down. In front of their daughter, no less.

That isn't love.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lady duck said:


> All of this is helpful and helps me think. I had been very private about my problems in the past and in the recent two years confided in a couple of close friends that I trusted would not just try to make me feel victimised and actually try to help. This also came to the same conclusion that one does not need validation about how they feel about something.
> 
> When I try telling him he should not be telling me these things (criticise me for) because they are either personal choices, something I needed to do for myself or an interest that I have, and remind him about the last time his criticism hurt, he tells me my biggest problem is my inability to take feedback and I feel hurt because I let myself hurt and either completely denies the incident or makes a comment that he was more than correct back then too .
> 
> I then go being criticised for something I like, did or didn't do, sometimes falsely and also being criticised for not taking his feedback constructively. In moments that he is kinder, he gently suggests that all I need to change is just 'listen', meaning do exactly as he says. But then his comments are not about something that I had failed in as a wife or mother and feels more like my identity such as how well I am 'stimulating my mind'. I seem to carry my weight in life and no complains from him either, although no appreciation whatsoever unless it includes him doing that thing better. He even tells me that he does more house chores than I do and I used to remind him about all the other house chores that I do and he does not realise are getting done and after a certain point, I do not even try to convince him and just feel like if I agree that I do enough and he does better, it is all fine.


Play him at his own game and see how he likes it. For example, mention that his lack of the use of social media is an indication of how far behind the times he is and nowadays, even for careers etc social media is necessary. You sound intelligent and can think of some things I am sure, instead of getting upset, hurt or offended, dish it back to him. He might think more carefully before he opens his mouth again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds to me as if you have more than enough to deal with.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lady duck said:


> I did not feel I could talk to friends this time as I feel somehow ashamed to let this happen to me frequently and after they had suggested this did not look like something that was going to stop.


Based on this, it sounds like those friends recognized his actions aren't on and needs to stop, but it won't. Your friends are important as they can have your back, and while trusting yourself is key, if you have been hoodwinked by someone that you are meant to trust, then having friends that you can trust to tell you 'WTF' and help reality check with you may be worthwhile. However, the way that I personally am as a friend, is that if one comes to me (and it's okay if more than once) to bounce stuff off me and that helps with perspective and there's a moment where they realize that a different course of action is needed - I'd support that where possible - yet if one continues to bring up an issue without doing anything about it, my patience and tolerance runs low.

What I'm getting at is if you have already discussed some aspects with your friends and no steps towards change has occurred, well, it may depend on what they're like... I don't connect it to feeling ashamed... more just whether they will continue to listen or get low in patience. Friends are important for support though. Maybe your friends are better than I am. However, to also keep those friendships in tact and provide benefit to you, perhaps it may be worthwhile contacting a counseling service? Arrange a phone appointment, even. No doubt you will have access to that within your upcoming new job.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Any husband who writes to his wife's doctor and makes up lies about her behavior is a complete asshole. No getting around it. If she were opinionated and bold, he might try to have her committed. He is an insecure twit who makes himself feel bigger by putting his wife down. In front of their daughter, no less.
> 
> That isn't love.


What if he wasn’t lying?
My ex took adipex and I can give examples of her irritability, erratic behavior, near death due to high blood pressure, aggressiveness.
And when she started taking the Acne pills on top of that—— I had to ask her to stop because she was truly going nuts.

we are only seeing one side of the story here.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> What if he wasn’t lying?
> My ex took adipex and I can give examples of her irritability, erratic behavior, near death due to high blood pressure, aggressiveness.
> And when she started taking the Acne pills on top of that—— I had to ask her to stop because she was truly going nuts.
> 
> we are only seeing one side of the story here.


He was lying because:



Lady duck said:


> He had asked the doctor to meet me and ask me to stop the pills. I attended the meeting with him and showed all the filled and unfilled prescriptions *to prove that I had stopped long ago.*


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> He was lying because:


Can’t argue with that...


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> He was lying because:


Not to be a ****, but filled and unfilled prescriptions don't mean much...I have filled prescriptions only to not take the meds, or maybe delay taking them until I did some additional research or just put it off until I decided I wanted to take them...If we take her 100% at her word, then sure, you are correct, but the truth is we don't really know..


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

hamadryad said:


> Not to be a ****, but filled and unfilled prescriptions don't mean much...I have filled prescriptions only to not take the meds, or maybe delay taking them until I did some additional research or just put it off until I decided I wanted to take them...If we take her 100% at her word, then sure, you are correct, but the truth is we don't really know..


The truth is we can only respond to the info provided. If you question the truth of every poster, then there is no point in posting on any thread. And, posting your doubts is tantamount to calling the poster a liar.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> The truth is we can only respond to the info provided. If you question the truth of every poster, then there is no point in posting on any thread. And, posting your doubts is tantamount to calling the poster a liar.



Agreed...but at the same time,IMO, It's worthwhile to question some of the things people post, because quite frankly, a lot of it makes no sense to the average person reading and trying to comprehend it...

(I'm not necessarily saying this is true of this thread, just "in general")


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> He told you to read a book, because you are stupid. Nice.


Yeah. Actually he reminds me of this saying: "All that book learning and not an halfpenny worth of common sense."


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## Lady duck (Aug 8, 2021)

With the diet pills situation, he did admit that he had exaggerated about how crazy I was acting because he was trying to scare the doctor to get me to stop. He had not asked me if I was taking them or not and did all this behind my back.

The diet pills (while on them) would have had some effect and someone telling me, I would have thought to myself maybe something is going on. He had not done any fact finding or help me with any fact finding before he 'tried to scare the doctor off'.

He then argues that "even your doctor said the email was about him and not you, so that makes it okay and should not be upsetting to you", and my reaction was "what did you expect the doctor do? make it bigger than it was and start an argument with you about your action while I am upset about the whole thing too and then three of us go on and on? Didn't he just use his politics to shut this down and let it go?". He had nothing to say to that but insists he had to do what he did.

With the social media stuff , I got really upset the first time he brought it up ( while we have been in lock downs for the past 7 weeks) in front of our daughter particularly because we have issues with her screen time (like most kids her age) and since then she keeps telling me you have a screen time problem too. 

When I was calmer I took my phone to him and showed him my screen time and said it showed average 1 hour a day across all social media such as messages, Insta, FB and a few apps that I use to keep in touch with family and relatives overseas. I was not apologetic and just arguing my point but still told him ' look that week our friend as you know was going through some stuff and I have mostly been on iMessages as she needed me, the following week mostly on Whatssapp as I attended two online meet ups that week and yet it consistently comes back to 1 hour on social media per week'. He then used that example to tell me 4 hours that week on Whatssapp was a lot.

On another occasion I tried to tell him that he should not criticise my screen time in front of your daughter (remind you he had never ever mentioned this was an issue in the past) because she had started to tell me these things when I try to get her off her games and his response was that, ' it is all her own observation and he is not teaching her stuff.'


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Maybe just let your daughter be a kid, both of you. She sounds very adult at the moment, and too much aware of the situation given her comments. She’s going to resent you both, she’s a tween, these are critical years. By age 14 she should be mellowing out, or if things aren’t good at home she’ll be acting out. 11 is a tough age, childhood is out the door soon. (Especially relevant if you’re in Victoria, repeat lockdowns since March 2020)

Not laying blame on anyone in particular, just pull back both of you and focus on helping her be a kid and not a counsellor, mediator or go-between. That part first before you deal with eachother, ok?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He really seems to be a bit of a control freak, doesn't he?


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