# Need Help in the Friend Zone



## ConfusedGuy92 (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm hoping someone here can give me some advice on what to do because I'm very confused. 

I have a friend and her name is Sarah. I've known her since I moved to my current location 10 years ago and she is the best friend I have. We've been really good friends for so long and some time around 8th grade I hoped we could be more than that but then she approached me and told me she liked me and I said the same. But me being an idiot didn't do anything. I froze up and didn't ask her out or do anything after that. I regret it so much.

So we just went back to being friends and forgot about it. 3 years later I ask her out. She says she only sees me as a friend. So I just let it go. She has a couple boyfriends that are real douches and I always have to be there the day they break up so she can cry on my shoulder. It kills me to see her sad like that.

I'm really hesitant to use the L word here because I'm not experienced enough to know anything about it but I can say for sure that I have real feelings for her and really care about her. I just don't know what to do. Also recently we talked and she said she wants to be single now but can't say for later and I'll have to judge when for myself when I want to do something (ask her out I assume). 

I'm so confused and don't know what to do. Sorry for rambling randomly about everything. Anyone have advice for me?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Read Big Bad Wolf's post titled "But if we started dating..." In Men's Clubhouse. I also posted here. I've been in your situation too, and believe me, she has no intention of ruining her "safe, almost romantic, but I don't have to give him anything" relationship she has with you.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It's hard to say. She wants to be single right now, so I'd definitely leave it alone for now. As for judging for yourself...that's really tough. I'd maybe wait and when you see that she seems to be feeling better and more ready to get back out there, just tell her that you've liked her that way for a while and that if she's interested, when she's ready to let you know. I don't think you can really do much more than that. If you push too hard, you risk losing her friendship, too.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Want to get out of the friend zone?

I can help show you what needs to be done, but you need to do the hard work yourself.

This advice is blunt. Fair warning.

First, understand these two things, first that a woman that views a man as a "friend", is in most ways seeing, and treating him as another woman, and second that she has no sexual attraction for this man.

Understand these two things, even if it is hard to hear, is the key to breaking this cycle with this woman, or any other woman, and most importantly, never getting into this friend zone again, which of course to pursue a relationship then is MUCH easier to deal with by never getting into in the first place.

The actions, are simply this, to stop behaving a like a woman around this "friend zone" woman, to stop behaving in ways that encourage lack of respect, and start behaving in ways to both increase respect and increase sexual attraction.

To break the cycle, understand these "rules", and incorporate them.

1. Never, I mean NEVER, listen to a woman complain about her boyfriend. Cut this conversation short, change the subject, be blunt to say "I am not good at helping girls out with such things, and have no interest in becoming better", walk away or get off the phone immediately. Whatever it takes. Understand this is firm, a little humor is okay, but really, this is the difference from being seen as another woman, and being seen as a man that commands too much respect to be bothered by some trivial details of a relationship that does not concern him. Do not help your "friend zone" woman become better related to some other man, do not let yourself be seen as such a man ever.

2. Do not shower a "friend zone" woman with compliments. I mean just this, never tell her she's pretty, she looks good, she's hot, unless you are already in a relationship with her. Say she's maybe "interesting" or sorta cool, or maybe even half compliment, like she's "quirky", or "different". This type of advice may sounds strange, but all this is just this one thing, to be sure to leave a little mystery to how incredible you may think she is, and give HER the opportunity to show her stuff to you to prove that she is anything that you think she may be. Showering her with compliments before this step, to her mind is backwards, and will make her view any man that does this either with suspcion, or lack of respect. This advice is the same regarding doing too many "favors", do not become a servant or a slave to a woman, like fixing the plumbing at her house, or her car, or some such nonsense, unless you are in a relationship with her or she pays you money or something. Insist in all interactions, that you expect to be treated like an adult, like a man, and not a servant, slave, or her child. 

3. Think of how you would act, say if you were brad pitt or someone, around this woman. Would you be fawning over her, or would you have a busy and full schedule without her, and need to work her in if she would prove herself interesting enough? Think about this scenario, and make it the same for yourself. To a woman, if a man is too available, or doesn't have any hobbies or "interests" himself, to her she will see such a man as "uninteresting". Not hard to understand, right?  Become an attractive and interesting man yourself!

4. Do all these things first, and then, and only then, if your "friend zone" woman is then doing what every woman will do to a man that she is attracted to, then be prepared for it. What is this you may ask? It is the "fitness test", or " sh!t test". A man that a woman is interested in, she will ALWAYS test such a man.

A man that fails these test, or fails to even notice he is failing a test, is solid in the "friend zone".

The good man that passes these tests, and better, can flip these to give her a test himself, is better. Such a man, is not in the friend zone.

For the good man do this while remaining calm, confident, aloof, and humorous, and seemingly enjoying to do these things, is best. This man is not even knowing what a "friend zone" is!!!!! 

Look on this forum for "fitness test", and google "sh!t test" if these terms are confusing to you.

5. Finally, after these things are in place, and you have passed the fitness test, then (and ony then!) will it be appropriate for you, the good man, to initiate a first date. And this date is NOT going to be a "what do you want to do tonight, honey?" date (rarely if ever for ANY man should do this). Instead, you will initiate the time, the place, the agenda, something that interest YOU, that you can show your woman an interesting and fun time while she sees you in your element, confident, calm, and in control and fun and humorous to be with.

(Understand, steps 4 and 5 can be done rather quickly, and incorporated together, such as passing a fitness test and initiating first date together, by telling her to cancel her next date with "what's his name", because you have two tickets to a show and don't want to completely waste the second ticket, for example. Regardless, pass the fitness test first!) 


There is much to discuss on this matter, of the "friend zone" and how to avoid it. 

Getting out of this "friend zone" is hard, it takes deliberate actions, and yes, you need to be what may seem to you MUCH more selfish, but that is the really the simple act of commanding respect, and not being treated any longer like you do not wish to be treated. 

And yes, this is a risk that you will not become so involved in this woman's life, if you refuse any longer to be treated as another woman. 

So what? 

Better to take the courage and risk to pull away, and do the necessary work to establish a relationship with this woman as a man, than continue to be dishonest and frustrated maintaining a relationship with her merely acting like a woman!

Also, here is the link that F-102 was speaking of:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...-dating-would-ruin-our-friendship-satire.html

The dread "friend zone", avoid it!

I wish you well.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

BBW,

You are really a MAN! 

I think I shouldn't give you compliments like this since you are a MAN. 

We can't be friends!!! 

Anyway, I agree with what you said! Either be her boyfriend or nothing, right?

Never had a male friend who I run to tell him my problems. I only tell my husband my problems.


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## ConfusedGuy92 (Nov 2, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> Want to get out of the friend zone?
> 
> The dread "friend zone", avoid it!
> .


I don't know if I'm cut out for that. It sounds aweful to not be there for someone who is so important to me and just ignore her problems when she comes to me. It seems like I have to objectify her and just have to be a d!ck. I'll have to pass on your method. But thanks for contributing anyway you've provided me with some helpful insight.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Your other option is to start dating someone else.

If you think 'being there for her' somehow makes you better than the 'douche bags' that are sleeping with her, you are in for a very long, very painful ride.

Best of luck.


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## ConfusedGuy92 (Nov 2, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Your other option is to start dating someone else.
> 
> If you think 'being there for her' somehow makes you better than the 'douche bags' that are sleeping with her, you are in for a very long, very painful ride.
> 
> Best of luck.


I'm sure it makes me better because I'm not an ******* who lies to her and manipulates her feelings for months then dumps her on her ass. If his way is the only way to be in a relationship with her then it's not gonna happen and I'll just be the best friend I can and always be there for her because in the end no matter what happens she'll still be my best friend.


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

The answer is VERY obvious - start dating other women!!!

You're the "always available lap dog" to her right now, she gets your always present emotional support while getting the perks of dating others. What incentive does she have to pursue you? Your giving it (constant attention, etc) away for free! 

When she calls, you need to work towards getting away from the "let me drop everything in my life and focus on you, because I've been pining for you all my life ::drool::" and get to "sorry, I'm having diner with my girlfriend, can I call you another time?" 

You don't have to be a jerk to her, just...it's time to focus on yourself right now. If she realizes she misses your attention and wants to pursue you, great! But who knows, you might of found the perfect fit by then with someone else.


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## ConfusedGuy92 (Nov 2, 2010)

NickCampbell said:


> The answer is VERY obvious - start dating other women!!!
> 
> You're the "always available lap dog" to her right now, she gets your always present emotional support while getting the perks of dating others. What incentive does she have to pursue you? Your giving it (constant attention, etc) away for free!
> 
> ...


Thanks man. You're so right. It's gonna be hard for me to do but you're absolutely right. I've just got to find someone else.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

If she doesn't already think you are the moon and the stars, then why do you want ot be with her. If she likes douches, are you going to become a douche to get her?


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## ConfusedGuy92 (Nov 2, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> If she doesn't already think you are the moon and the stars, then why do you want ot be with her. If she likes douches, are you going to become a douche to get her?


No I won't become a douche just to be with her. And it's not that she likes douches it' just that they seem nice at first but do after a while their true colors show. As for her liking me like that I'm just not sure and say for certain if she does or not. I just know that I really do and want to take it somewhere. However, if she really doesn't want to go their I'll just have to let it go I guess.


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