# I'm new, in recovery for a while



## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

We're doing everything right. We are mad-hatters. We are living our lives, very loving to each other. Yet, sometimes I feel like we paid too big of a price, and our marriage wasn't that bad before. 
We have done MC and IC and there isn't much more to talk about. I get frustrated because the two OW still live where we live. 
I guess I thought if we both worked really hard we'd have something great and wonderful at the end. And we do. But there is a cloud over everything. And that part I hate.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> We're doing everything right. We are mad-hatters. We are living our lives, very loving to each other. Yet, sometimes I feel like we paid too big of a price, and our marriage wasn't that bad before.
> We have done MC and IC and there isn't much more to talk about. *I get frustrated because the two OW still live where we live. *
> I guess I thought if we both worked really hard we'd have something great and wonderful at the end. And we do. But there is a cloud over everything. And that part I hate.


Please clarify... do you mean that they live in the same general area? Same city? Same neighborhood? Same apartment complex?

Assuming that you are (or were) the betrayed spouse, is your spouse still in ANY sort of contact w/ either of them?

Also, are either of them married? If so, were the affairs exposed to their spouses?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

We all live in the same town. One works 100 yards from him. He supposed to tell me if he sees her but he says he doesn't look. No contact with them... 
Yes they are married and yes, all was exposed.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How long have you been married? Your ages? Length of the two affairs? How long ago were the affairs discovered? Do you have children?

Is there any contact with his affair partners? If they are married, do their husbands know? Boyfriends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> We all live in the same town. One works 100 yards from him. He supposed to tell me if he sees her but he says he doesn't look. No contact with them...
> Yes they are married and yes, all was exposed.


He really should get another job. That should've been at the very top of your list of demands.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Some of my questions were answered while I posted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

We've been married 28 years. 4 kids. all grown. 
my affair was 5.5 years ago. His were 3.5 years ago. All affairs were short. I confessed. He was caught twice. I also busted
him in NC once (but it was business related). I would kick him out if it or any lie of omission happened now. 
but I trust him now. I just wish it hadn't happened.
He won't move because he has sacrificed enough for this marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well it sounds like you screwed up your marriage first and he compounded it.

You do understand that you destroyed what existed and he threw napalm on top of the ashes.

What you had doesn't even exist anymore and you have to build something new.

Are you grieving what was lost?

That makes sense but you both have to start over from the ground up.

It sounds like there is still a lot of resentment from both of you and a lot of unresolved anger.

I believe you are desiring to continue to improve and grow in your marriage. I don't think your counseling should be over yet.

Neither of you sound satisfied with your marriage at this time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> We've been married 28 years. 4 kids. all grown.
> my affair was 5.5 years ago. His were 3.5 years ago. All affairs were short. I confessed. He was caught twice. I also busted
> him in NC once (but it was business related). I would kick him out if it or any lie of omission happened now.
> but I trust him now. I just wish it hadn't happened.
> He won't move because he has sacrificed enough for this marriage.


Ah.

Where is OM located?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Ah.
> 
> Where is OM located?


He moved 4 hours away. 

We are both satisfied, but would maybe like to be more satisfied. There is nothing left to talk about in counseling. We accept what we have or don't.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

stephscarlett said:


> He moved 4 hours away.
> 
> *We are both satisfied, but would maybe like to be more satisfied.* There is nothing left to talk about in counseling. We accept what we have or don't.


What do you think he could do to assist you in feeling that way?

What do you think he'd like for you to do in order to help him to feel that way?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

SC,

Was the OM exposed to his wife, family, church and workplace?

Did your H confront the OM, and did you give him the full details?

When you say there is nothing left to talk about it sounds like your BH just stopped asking because he never expects to get the truth from you. 

Tamat


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I told him everything. He believes me. But we have talked about everything already, many times. That's what I mean. 
He says for me to keep doing what I'm doing. I'm very open, transparent, painfully honest with him. 
OM was exposed wisely yes. My husband confronted OM many times and pretty much ran him out if town. I'm glad for that.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

stephscarlett,

I'm very glad to hear your BH confronted the OM, I've often noticed that were there are no consequences for the OM a BH stays enraged for years.

My guess is that your BH now feels the scales are balanced, I don't agree with that , I think one affair does not offset another, but just doubles the pain possibly squares it.

Were the OWs exposed to family, work, spouse etc. Try putting up posters.

Having to see the OWs must be devastating. 

Tamat


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I exposed ow1 to work, spouse, family and then got a call from the police to knock it off. 
I exposed OW2 to spouse. What is difficult wuth that one us that I caught him on top of her at a park , making out. How he thinks it's in for me to see her ever is beyond me. 
However, we do ok, as long as I dont see them. I just don't want to die a death of 1000 cuts.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Is he revenge cheating on you ?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It's only been 3.5 yrs ...it's not uncommon to take another 3 years for things to iron out. I'm going on 5 yrs since I busted my old lady and things are good....maybe in another year I won't need to keep posting here at TAM. lol


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Multiple affairs means MUCH more time to heal. Sorry for your situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> We accept what we have or don't.


One thing you both have malady is a level playing field for the future. Ain't no legitimate, "you did worse" in your relationship, or at least there shouldn't be.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Are the two of you having a real marriage now? Good sex, companionship, fun?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

yes, we do fun things together - just bought a lake home - and everything else good. I think you guys are right in that with 3 affairs (I was also sexually assaulted during this time - awful for both of us) that we have a lot to heal from.


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