# Not sure how to proceed...



## Julie (Jun 1, 2009)

Hello all...

Ok so I am 26 (just turned 26) and my husband is 27. I have been jumping back and fourth with the idea of leaving my husband. We have been together for 9 years... Married 3 and have no kids. I feel as though we have grown apart... Or maybe we have always been so different but young and in love that it didn't matter too much at the time... 

I graduated 2 years ago with a Masters Degree in Accounting and Finance and my husband has yet to get his GED. Education is important to me... And he has always said I'm going to get it... I'm going to get it... But never has. So, recently I asked him and he said "You Don't give up, do you?" I am not going to get it. And I don't need it. So, I left it at that... It has really been bothering me to the point where I am no longer interested in him...

It's not just that though... He smokes pot. Granted I used to smoke too... I would take a couple hits when he was smoking, but he would smoke every day all day. I got him to cut back to only at night and now he is supposed to be down to 1 day a week. But some how or another he manages to smoke like 3 days a week. I quit smoking 2 years ago... And have tried to get him to quit for the last 2 years. He says he loves smoking and it is something he will never give up. I told him he is too old to be smoking and there is a time in your life when you need to stop acting like a teenager. 

Well truthfully, that is the reason why we don't have kids. Do I want to have kids with a man who doesn't have his GED and smokes pot? What kind of role model will he be? Can he support a family?

I have not been happy for sometime now. We argue and bicker all the time, mainly because he always has to make a stupid comment over everything. Like, this has been sitting here for 2 days. Why haven't you put it away. My answer: Why didn't you put it away? If you see something out of place... Don't wait for me to clean it up. Just do it! He'll also say stuff like I was waiting to see how long it would take you to do it... That drives me crazy... Is he that ignorant that I have to do everything. Why can't he just take it upon himself to do it. Like I do.

We have had the talk... I told him I wasn't happy. I told him that I want him to get his GED. I told him I wanted him to give up smoking. He told me I should have married someone else then...

We are two different people on two different paths in life and I want to leave... I just don't know how.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I can definitely give you advice about how you _shouldn't_ do it ... 

Don't drag it out to the point where you actively resent and despise one another.

Don't separate from him by becoming involved with someone else.


'Moving in different directions' is not the place you are supposed to be at the beginning of a marriage - you are supposed to wait about ten years for that.

It is going to be hard. But I do agree, that there is obviously no happy ending for you staying married to this gentleman.

Make plans for you. New job. New place to live, whatever. If you have no intention of reconciling, and apparently most of the action items are on his end, not yours, then there really isn't much point in talking it over. Tell him what your intentions are - once they are in place, and your reasons why.

It won't be easy, but it's honest, and quite frankly that is about the best you can ever hope for in dissolving a relationship or marriage.

Did you just finish school, or are you already employed? What does he do? Do you have significant assets to be divided?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Julie said:


> We have had the talk... I told him I wasn't happy. I told him that I want him to get his GED. I told him I wanted him to give up smoking. He told me I should have married someone else then..


Id have to agree with him. If you want him to change so much you'll need to find someone else. You knew who he was when you married him. I dont think its fair that you keep trying to change him and make him feel like he's not good enough. that's just sad for him.


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## Julie (Jun 1, 2009)

@Deejo- I have been in my career for 2 years now. Actually tomorrow will be 2 years at my job as a Cost of Sales Analyst. My husband is a construction worker... 

We own a house that is currently rented out. Actually, my husband is a very lucky man. All of our assets and all of our debts (Except his truck) are in my name. He's always had bad credit and I have always had A+ credit. So it made more sense for me to finance our purchases. My student loans (rightfully so), The mortgage on our house, And all of the credit cards. But you see we took some student loans out... In my name to pay off some of his debts. SO.... He walks away virtually free and clear and I am stuck with everything.

@Blanca- Your right. I probably should not have married him. But I did. He is a good guy, just no longer my type. I have grown up.. Want more out of life.. And it seems he is content with where he is. But complains he wants more... more... more... I tell him Get your GED and quit smoking pot... This will help you achieve more.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Julie said:


> And it seems he is content with where he is. But complains he wants more... more... more... I tell him Get your GED and quit smoking pot... This will help you achieve more.


well, I always say actions speak louder then words. if he's not doing anything to change, then he doesnt really want to. you should probably just ignore him when he starts complaining. My sister complains a lot too, and then says she's going to do stuff. i just tell her, 'i'll believe it when i see it.'


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## Julie (Jun 1, 2009)

Last night I told my husband that I was fed up with our marriage and how things were going. I also told him I know he feels the same way as I do because we are both getting on each others nerves... 

We discussed our issues and I do believe we are on the same page when it comes to getting a divorce.. We both know that we are two different people that want different things out of life. Ans we know that if we stay in this relationship any longer we will be wasting time. 

We discussed how we would split things if we divorced (no lawyers, make an agreement, fair) and who would get what. And we both decided that we will give it one month and we will make the final decision then. So, with this said I think our talk went really nice. 

Of course, this is probably the third time we have discussed getting a divorce. But this time, I think it is for real.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There will probably be many more conversations in the upcoming weeks and months, that will be emotional. You may feel pulled in both directions. What makes perfect sense on Tuesday seems ridiculous or impossible on Wednesday.

I hope things proceed well for the both of you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

How wise you are to see things so clearly now. Pot has the very serious side effect of destroying one's motivation. He needs to be poor to find out how much he needs his GED and more education; maybe then he'll stop smoking. I don't have anything against pot, personally; I would rather be around a bunch of people high than a bunch of drunks, but that does mean it is a good thing. 

Just go, and get yourself clear. You are in a good field and you have a steady job; at 26, you have lots of time still to find someone more in line with your goals. Take the time to learn to love your life as a single, though. When you feel you are so terrific you just have to share yourself with someone, or when someone comes along who finally makes you stop LOVING being single, then you can consider another commitment. Don't get involved again until then! Best of luck.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

"Do I want to have kids with a man who doesn't have his GED and smokes pot? What kind of role model will he be? Can he support a family?"

Case in point. Know your needs. I'm still figureing mine out. At least you know what you need in a man , (as well as love and affection).

If you go through with it, make sure you dont go for someone who just has what you need and not passion as well. That was my mistake. Take care.


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## Julie (Jun 1, 2009)

Of course now that we had that talk everything seems to be going better... Why does love have to be so confusing? 

I know what I need to do but it is sooo hard. He is not a bad guy.. Loving, affectionate and hard working... It's just we are two different people. Both stubborn, Independent and we don't always get along to well... Not to mention that we have different plans for life...

He's says he only wants to make me happy. And if getting a divorce will make me happy then so be it.


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## joshtried (Jun 14, 2009)

not to stab at the man, but if he "only wanted to make you happy" that GED would have been on the wall many moons ago. the statement just doesnt fit here. he's hurt and probably doesnt want to admit it. anyways...
sometimes people just make great friends, and maybe that is where yall will end up.
best of luck


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

Well, you already gave it a time limit. So if by the end of that time limit things are still going better then set if for another month. Personally i would wait until your debt got alittle more paid off. Being that since every thing is under your name, the credit card and student loans. even the loans you got to pay his bills. 

And i am assuming you probably do all the bill payments also. Do you think you could stay with him until some of it is paid off, maybe a year? Figure out a payment plan, start paying off the credit cards, and student loans. Construction work pays really good so you might get a little ahead. It might work in your favor also, if the morgage is in your name, can you sell the house and pay it off, maybe get more for it to pay off something else too? 

I wouldnt believe that he has really changed. And he does it to confuse you which is why it seems confusing. Of course he doesnt want to lose you but i am having the same problem, i want to better myself, and my kids and house and yard, and he could care less. Right now the washer is dying, the dryer is dying, the vacuum choked, the screen door hasnt shut squarely for a year, the brick wall has been waiting for 4 months, with the hole dug for the foundation for 2 months. Plus i agree with joshtried said, the ged would have been done. 

So if you choose to stay with him, you need to realize he will never change and you will need to look for another way to get what you need done. If that doesnt bother then work it out. 

good luck


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

MrsVain said:


> So if you choose to stay with him, you need to realize he will never change



*might* never change...as a changed dude, i'm a little bit troubled by the _never change_ assumption...


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## Julie (Jun 1, 2009)

It will be a month on July 1.... I want to leave sooo bad, but I am going to hold out for a couple more months. I think we could get half of our CC debt paid down in the next two months. This will be very beneficial for me/us. 

The mortgage is in my name but we cannot sell the house because it is upside down about $100k... Sucks, I know. 

I know if he truly wanted to keep me he would get his GED. He says he is embarrassed. I said embarrassed of what? Anyone who takes GED classes is clearly in the same shoes as you. What's embarrassing is when you go to apply for a job that you are 100% capable of doing and you get turned down because you do not have a GED or High school diploma.

And he has yet to quit smoking... He actually had the nerve to tell me that maybe he needs someone who doesn't care that he smokes... I said she probably won't care about you smoking and driving, getting pulled over with the stuff in your car... I am so sick of it now... 

I am just holding on until I can get the debt paid down.


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