# who does what in your house?



## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

i want to know how you figure out the division of labor in your home. ie - work, kids, finances, etc. who takes on what responsibility & how do you keep it fair? what about extracuricular activities? (i feel like all work & no play makes me a dull wife! no wonder why we have problems!) thanks!


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

bluebutterfly0808 said:


> i want to know how you figure out the division of labor in your home. ie - work, kids, finances, etc. who takes on what responsibility & how do you keep it fair? what about extracuricular activities? (i feel like all work & no play makes me a dull wife! no wonder why we have problems!) thanks!


When I list it all out, it's me who does most of the work around the house. I do the finances because a number of years ago when my husband was doing them, he just wouldn't get to them on time and we were paying all sort of late fees. Not because we didn't have the money but because he forgot to pay them by the due date. So I took over. I do the planning for meals and cook just about every day. I would say I plan about 75% of the outings, of which there are very few. We hired a gardener weekly to mow/blow, and a house cleaner every other week.

He helps with laundry, and recently has started doing dishes more often. He helps w/ the kiddo's homework, if he's home in time. He will put dishes into the dishwasher. Hmmm... yes, I do most of the work.  But it's okay.

Since I started making changes in my life, things have gotten easier. One of the changes is to not keep score anymore. Something needs doing? I just do it. I don't worry about him doing less. If he sees something that needs doing, I would hope he would do it, and sometimes he does. My stress level has gone WAY down since I started not keeping score anymore.


----------



## KingJust (Sep 19, 2008)

bluebutterfly0808 said:


> i want to know how you figure out the division of labor in your home. ie - work, kids, finances, etc. who takes on what responsibility & how do you keep it fair? what about extracuricular activities? (i feel like all work & no play makes me a dull wife! no wonder why we have problems!) thanks!


From a my point of view, it's hard to evenly and fairly divide the responsibilities of the househould. I mean, if one still holds on to "old school" mentalities, well then you are kinda stuck. But if both do work (career, job, etc.), then I would break it down based on capabilities 1st and for most (who can do house repairs, garden, etc.), then after that, you can share (meaning trade off weekly of who does what) the duties of the house (like cooking, taking the trash out, bathing the kids, etc.).

KJ


----------



## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

leahdrous,

i don't keep score either, other than the fact that i am run ragged while he goes out to do his fun activities without me & the kids! seems to me it's very uneven. who would need to keep score when it's like that. it's obvious! if he would take your suggestion of whatever needs done, he just does it, we would have a much better partnership. i would love that!!!

----------------------------------------------------------
kingjust,

i do not have an "old-school" mentality. just wondered how everyone else approaches this issue. i was only looking for a new approach since the doormat approach isn't working for me. thanks!


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Housework, cooking, cleaning, finances in the past was all me.
I did my/kids laundry, he did his.
Kids primarily me although he usually attended their functions and took them out individually at times.

This is my second marriage (3 kids from the first) and his first (he had no children prior and we did not together) so much of the set-up was just doing what we had before we met.

Now, it's really shared. We share in the finances, cleaning and he's fully involved with the kids. I work full-time from home so I cook on weeknights and the weekends they are here but he makes me breakfast on the weekends  and when the kids aren't here we take turns cooking or go out. He leaves for work early and so do the kids to catch their bus, so he makes sure they are up in the morning and empties the dishwasher, cleans up the kitchen...when I do make it down in time, I'm usually just getting some coffee going (I'm not a morning person...never will be)

This came up when we started focusing on our marriage last year...I was feeling over-whelmed, we were both feeling unappreciated...and him picking up a lot of these things has enabled me to have more energy and time to plan some fun (he has also stepped up here as well) The bottom line is finding the balance where you both feel good that it's a partnership. Our kids are older now, so it's much easier for us...I know this is easier said than done when you have young children.


----------



## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

Before we were married, he worked full-time, and took complete care of where he lived, until it was immaculate, inside and out.
Now that we're married, although he still works full time, he no longer does ANY work arund the house (pretty much), except to take out the garbage! All the work he used to do he no longer does! (But he does take the time out to tell me I'm not doing a good enough job of the housekeeping).


----------



## KingJust (Sep 19, 2008)

bluebutterfly0808 said:


> leahdrous,
> 
> i don't keep score either, other than the fact that i am run ragged while he goes out to do his fun activities without me & the kids! seems to me it's very uneven. who would need to keep score when it's like that. it's obvious! if he would take your suggestion of whatever needs done, he just does it, we would have a much better partnership. i would love that!!!
> 
> ...



Not you blue, him. Anything other than the old way is new. Try getting a dry eraser board, write down all of the duties with in the household, then you guys can talk over and agree to who is going to do what, and it will also show if it's fair overall.

KJ


----------



## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

swedish said:


> This came up when we started focusing on our marriage last year...I was feeling over-whelmed, we were both feeling unappreciated...and him picking up a lot of these things has enabled me to have more energy and time to plan some fun (he has also stepped up here as well) wow, sounds like us (being unappreciated & overwhelmed)!
> 
> The bottom line is finding the balance where you both feel good that it's a partnership. Our kids are older now, so it's much easier for us...I know this is easier said than done when you have young children.


i wish my husband would see this. maybe one day i will get up enough courage to have him look at this forum! it would definitely do him some good. partnership is all i want! we do have young children, but we're not new at it with 4. 

thanks for the reply. it seems like such common sense, huh?


----------



## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

freeshias4me said:


> Before we were married, he worked full-time, and took complete care of where he lived, until it was immaculate, inside and out.
> Now that we're married, although he still works full time, he no longer does ANY work arund the house (pretty much), except to take out the garbage! All the work he used to do he no longer does! (But he does take the time out to tell me I'm not doing a good enough job of the housekeeping).


my hubby is kinda the same way. it's almost like he wanted us to be like his parents. his dad worked & mom did all house, kids stuff! our marriage is totally different. i suppose expectations kill all of us! goog luck & thanks for the reply!


----------



## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

KingJust said:


> Not you blue, him. Anything other than the old way is new. Try getting a dry eraser board, write down all of the duties with in the household, then you guys can talk over and agree to who is going to do what, and it will also show if it's fair overall.
> KJ


 sorry king! can you tell i am used to having criticisms sent my way? you have a point though! just as i said in the above post, he wanted me to act like his mom did in her marriage. that was way old school! anyway, i like the dry erase board idea. we'll see what happens! thanks!


----------



## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I cook, She cleans (although she always complain about the mess I make when I cook) when she starts complaining too much about having to clean and I have to help, she has to help me cook,whether she likes it or not.

We both clean the house, we decide who will take what area or who keeps the baby busy while the other cleans. 

She manages our finances, because if I did we would be homeless.

So, to be fair I clean the cat's litter box even though I would rather get rid of it, but I'm all about fairness.

I handle anything to do with the cars for some reason.

I play with the baby most of the time while my Wife tries to get away with sitting there ignoring him and me watching soaps or those other crappy woman shows like The Hills, American teenage pregnant chick, old 90210, etc., etc. 
I had a talk to her about that just last night.

We both do the laundry, I wash she folds.

I take out the garbage most of the time.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> One of the changes is to not keep score anymore. Something needs doing? I just do it. I don't worry about him doing less. If he sees something that needs doing, I would hope he would do it, and sometimes he does. My stress level has gone WAY down since I started not keeping score anymore.


This is the approach ive started taking, also. It does take a ton of stress off. At first I tried to allocate what he should be doing, but that only created resentment and frustration between us. 

Since then responsibilities in our marriage seem to have just fallen in place. He takes care of all the finances (which he's very good at) and I take care of things around the apartment, including the animals. I would actually like to cook more for him as it seems to make him happy.

Of course there are always things i can think of that i wish would be done, or that i dont want to do and wish he would. im sure he could think of a few also. but i cant think of anything that is so important that its worth creating resentment over.

I think when it comes to allocating responsibilities one should just let the other do what they do best naturally and compliment each other when its done.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

1) Wage earner (Time at work)
Wife 40 hours work 20 college = 60 hours (doesn't include homework)
Me 30 hours in store + 20 hours from home = 50 hours
She makes twice as much as me with much better benefits

2) Household (Cleaning, cooking)
Wife 10-20% 
Me 80-90% 

3) Childcare
Wife 45% including busing the kids to and from school and getting them ready in the morning, minor homework help.
Me 55% including getting the kids to sleep at night and their meals any homework the wife can't figure out.

4) Outer House (Repairs, upkeep, lawn, trash, snow removal)
Wife (as needed or asked)
Me % Most of it unless I am overwhelmed

It works for us and is about fair, because all the things I hate to do she will do if I ask her, like putting away laundry.

draconis


----------



## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

bluebutterfly0808 said:


> i want to know how you figure out the division of labor in your home. ie - work, kids, finances, etc. who takes on what responsibility & how do you keep it fair? what about extracuricular activities? (i feel like all work & no play makes me a dull wife! no wonder why we have problems!) thanks!


I do everything, but hey, if someone wants to take over..call me.  :rofl:


----------



## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

i call you you can take over for me then..


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I do the bills, the contracts for the business, the deals, the kids homework. 

he watches the baby, deals out discipline and handles things I don't.

works out ok.


----------



## LoriFrank (Aug 16, 2008)

When we first got married, I did everything. We went out to dinner 4 x wk the first month we were married and we finally said it was too expensive and then DH told me he did not care for my cooking. I like leftovers and would make a crockpot meal when I was single and eat it all week. Dh not so much. I said he could cook and shop and I would do the rest. He agreed to that and has been doing all the cooking and shopping. I love to mow the lawn and do yard maintenance so that was a no brainer. DH hates it. I enjoy shoveling and running the snowblower but DH does the snowblowing if he gets home first. I do the laundry and enjoy that homework but DH will do it in a pinch. I clean and do the Walmart runs when needed. I take the garbage out each week and who puts the toilet seat up or down is not an issue for us. 

DH was disabled for a year and he took the garbage out and vacuumed during that time. We dry the laundry on wooden racks and he would put the clothes away. We had those discussions and he agreed to this new homework during that time because he was bored. 

I always pictured us sitting down at the kitchen table on Fri nights going over the bills and deciding what gets paid, etc. NOT. When I had told DH how I managed my finances when I was single, he assumed I would do the same after we got married. I do the finances but we discuss credit card bills, etc. If we are going to spend more than $100 for something we discuss it first. We each get an allowance of $25/wk and are not accountable to each other for that. 

Homework as we call it is something that needs to be discussed before marriage and will come up again and again if it is not. We rarely have arguments about it.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I do it all.....

I pay the Bills, Coach two of our children's soccer team, I am our HOA president.

I maintain our acre yard, I am currently finishing the basement, (framed, sheetrock, mudding, painting, tile/hardwood floor, Suspended ceiling) 5 rooms in total.

When i am not doing that, I pick up after the children, do the dishes, the laundry, the garbage, dust, clean the windows, everyday housework. Grocery shopping and I like to buy clothes for my wife, if I think she will look sexy in something, I buy it. I know her dress size and shoe size.

But my wife alos works 40hrs per week, and does household chores as well, Luandry, dishes, etc....team effort.

My wife is a slob, but cleans once a week. Where I am a tidy person...it used to btoher me, but I gave up and just take care of things when I can, and let no one in my house......lol

we are also the neighborhood hangout, everyweekend we have about 10 kids at our house playing....all under 12.

I also maintain our pool


----------



## artemisxlr8 (Sep 30, 2008)

I am indeed a fortunate woman. My BF and I take turns. But more times then not, he does the majority of the chores around the house. I do the floors and laundry. However, with being 11 weeks pregnant, he is doing much more. And without complaining. When it comes to meals, we discuss, then either go out or shop for what we need. We both take turns. Thankfully, he can cook. As far as finances, I handle them, however, he is a good sounding board, and reigns me in when my eyeballs are bigger than my wallet.


----------



## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> I do it all.....
> 
> I pay the Bills, Coach two of our children's soccer team, I am our HOA president.
> 
> ...


My wife is a slob, but cleans once a week. Where I am a tidy person...it used to btoher me, but I gave up and just take care of things when I can, and let no one in my house......lol

That bad, huh? :rofl:


----------



## allaloneinbr (Sep 29, 2008)

I feel like I handle every thing kids most of the time paying all of the bills on time when I can, I had to hire a house cleaner she comes 2 times a month but everyone destroys the house till she gets here it kills me just pick up after your self. My poor son has a lot to do trash cat litter box helps with landry and dishes and yard work poor kid is only 13 but I need the help. My hubby works 40 plus hours and then works on cars for people at the house for extra money....I never asked him to I dont think we need extra but he uses for fun and more parts for cars. Gear head for a hubby he likes to do nothing else but cook every once and awhile he is a great cook though Oh and I work 40+ hours a week I make close to 6 figures last year and I think it bothers him sometimes. Well we recently decided to separate for awhile so we will see how much he likes doing it all by his lonesome I feel bad for his daughter I do everything with her shoping and spending time when he is not there messing with his friends I have to come up with excuses for him it really sucks...he'll get that soon enough when he cant just leave cause I am not the one who will watch her when he goes to play. So soon HE WILL DO IT ALL


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hey Honey,

Yea it is that bad...

I am the youngest of 9 children, grew up in a house where we always put evrything away where it belonged, cleaned up after yourselves, etc.

My wife grew up in a house where her mother was a compulsive cleaner, not only her, buit all 4 girls are complete slobs, All husbands agree with me, and her mother actually apologized to me, because she knows her daughters are all slobs. (great wives, but not winning any goodhouse keeping awards, LOL)

So yea after 12 years of marriage and three children....I've learn not to sweat the small stuff, IE scissors not in the drawer, Dirty glass not in dishwasher. I've even loosened up to wait until the next morning to put a dirty dish in the dishwasher as opposed to that night....LOL

I've been broken... :rofl:


----------

