# What to do about upcoming funeral?



## aspiegirl (Feb 21, 2012)

Here's the situation - my husband and I are living in the same house but my son and I are moving out at the end of March, and we have been slowly working towards a divorce agreement. My 96 year old grandmother is currently at in-hospital hospice with pneumonia (hasn't eaten in days and can't have an IV due to edema) and will likely pass away within a few days.

My husband wants to come with us to the funeral since he has been part of the family for so long (married almost 20 years). He also sees this as a sort of closure for him. We live several states away from them and this would require either 18 hours of driving each way or expensive plane tickets.

My instinct is not to want him there, but I also don't want to create more animosity between us right now. I sort of want to lay out my expectations about not wanting any extra drama or stress when we are with my family.

What do you all think?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

aspiegirl said:


> Here's the situation - my husband and I are living in the same house but my son and I are moving out at the end of March, and we have been slowly working towards a divorce agreement. My 96 year old grandmother is currently at in-hospital hospice with pneumonia (hasn't eaten in days and can't have an IV due to edema) and will likely pass away within a few days.
> 
> My husband wants to come with us to the funeral since he has been part of the family for so long (married almost 20 years). He also sees this as a sort of closure for him. We live several states away from them and this would require either 18 hours of driving each way or expensive plane tickets.
> 
> ...


My first thought...yes. Depends on how you all get along.
Would he be helpful to other family members including your son while you are grieving the loss? Plus he could help drive...


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think it is your call. Whatever is best for you. I think about it all the time with aging relatives on both sides and think at this stage we should go solo. Maybe in the future.

She is having major surgery next month and her parents and a couple of siblings may be there at the hospital. I want to show I am standing by her, but dread the thought of seeing her family who i have not seen for 4 months since she seperated.

Do I go to be with her or just send flowers?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the funeral is for your family, not a place so he can feel better


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

If he's been part of the family for 20 years, then this death is a loss and time for mourning for him as well.

You're under no obligation to travel or stay with him, but it's not your right to govern his grieving either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

Do you think he's using the funeral to manipulate your feelings or your family's feelings toward him? If so, then I think you have a legitimate reason to not want him there.

If he has a relationship with your grandmother and he wants to be at the funeral out of respect or grief for that relationship, then I think it would be wrong of you to deny him that.

So, bottom line, your view toward his being there should depend on his motives for wanting to be there.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> the funeral is for your family, not a place so he can feel better


For better or worse, after 20 years, to a degree, it's his family, too.


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## aspiegirl (Feb 21, 2012)

Thanks for all the replies. It seems to come down to motives, and I think we just need to have a long conversation about why he wants to come and how he sees it working out.

We also need to figure out the finances and see if he's willing to drive rather than fly. I don't see how we can swing three plane tickets plus the other expenses that will arise. If worse comes to worst, I'll go by myself as I did several years ago when my grandfather passed away.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

papa5280 said:


> For better or worse, after 20 years, to a degree, it's his family, too.


that I agree with that but OP said he wanted to go get closure with her family not mourn her grandmother nor even be there to help console her family


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

aspiegirl said:


> Thanks for all the replies. It seems to come down to motives, and I think we just need to have a long conversation about why he wants to come and how he sees it working out.
> 
> We also need to figure out the finances and see if he's willing to drive rather than fly. I don't see how we can swing three plane tickets plus the other expenses that will arise. If worse comes to worst, I'll go by myself as I did several years ago when my grandfather passed away.



an excellent approach, good luck and sorry about your grandmother


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> that I agree with that but OP said he wanted to go get closure with her family not mourn her grandmother nor even be there to help console her family


I interpreted that as closure with the pending passing of the OPs grandmother. I agree, if he wants to turn it into his bon voyage from the family, that would be awkward and inappropriate.

Aspiegirl, I think you've got the right approach now. I agree that the best course of action is a long talk with H, if you two can do that. My sympathies, too, on your grandmother. 96 is a very full life, but it's always difficult.


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## aspiegirl (Feb 21, 2012)

papa5280 said:


> I interpreted that as closure with the pending passing of the OPs grandmother. I agree, if he wants to turn it into his bon voyage from the family, that would be awkward and inappropriate.
> 
> Aspiegirl, I think you've got the right approach now. I agree that the best course of action is a long talk with H, if you two can do that. My sympathies, too, on your grandmother. 96 is a very full life, but it's always difficult.


Thanks. I think it's kind of both for him. He is sad that she is dying but also still coming to terms with the fact that our marriage is ending. I guess my comfort level with him going will depend on whether we can have a calm discussion about the trip itself and iron out our expectations ahead of time.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

i don't know the history here, but i think the key is he asked to go with you...i'd say he could go, but he needs to go on his own.


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