# I Can't Tell



## Adorei (Jan 1, 2009)

Hello, everyone. I'm new here and I need some serious advice about my marriage. I've been married for a little over a year and I suppose I should give a little background info.

My husband Will and I are both 27 years old. We met in Las Vegas (we both lived there) back in 2005. I was in a relationship when we met of 5 years and I had a daughter with this other man. I had been very unhappy with this other man for a long while before I met Will, but he was my inspiration, so to speak, to get my life back where I wanted it. So, I broke it off with my current boyfriend. Not because of Will, but because I realized that I just couldn't be happy with this other one and needed to find what would make me happy. So, Will and I dated for a little while and I thought things were going good when he gets up and moves across the country. I was devastated by this. We still talked every day and were very close. He treated me like he cared for me and we went through a lot in that time. Well, he decided that he wanted to be with me, so he came back to Vegas as a surprise and we've been together since. 

Like I said, we've been married for a year and things are just going downhill. We moved to a different state and things are a lot different than where we came from, so we are trying to adjust to that. Our bills are piling up and we aren't really getting along. Then, the day after Christmas, he tells me that he wants to move back to Las Vegas and he isn't sure if he wants to take me and my daughter with him. (As a side note, he treats her like his own daughter.) I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to do. I cried for a long time and tried to get him to explain himself. He says I'm the love of his life, but he doesn't know if that's enough, anymore. So, he tells me that he needs to think and he needs time to decide if he wants to be with me or not. In the meantime, he comes home and acts like nothing has changed. He acts like our lives are perfect while I eat my heart out every minute of the day wondering if this is the day that he'll tell me it's over. I don't know how to handle things.
I;m afraid if I act angry, that will push him to leave, but if I act happy...it will just prolong the situation and let him know that it's perfectly alright to do this to someone. He tells me not to pressure him. That it's a life-changing decision, but where is my say in OUR life? 
I need some advice on how to handle things.

--Jen


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## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

I wonder if has given any thought regarding how this will affect your daughter? She may not be his, but he is still her father figure.

The one sentence that can give clues is very short:"the bills are piling up and we aren't really getting along."

Why are the bills piling up? Who's employed and who isn't? who's managing the budget if there is one? Is there any discussion and cooperation in this? Why aren't you getting along? What do you fight about? What expectations on either side are not voiced, not being met? What have you discovered about each other that you CAN'T live with?

Until some picture forms it is very difficult indeed to try and work out how you cna pursuade him to include you in the decision-making regarding your future. Don't be afraid of long posts - this forum is full of them!


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## Adorei (Jan 1, 2009)

I've asked him if he has thought about our daughter and he assures me that he has, but that's where that ends. Nothing else is said about it. 

He is employed and I am not, although I AM looking and want to work. We live in a VERY small town and unfortunately, there just aren't many jobs to be had. We both manage the money, the problem is there just isn't enough money to pay everything. We don't fight about the money and I've lived my whole life worrying about bills, so I don't get stressed about it like he does. He starts freaking out the moment he thinks we won't be able to pay a bill. 
We fight about a lot of stupid things, honestly. Things we shouldn't even fight about. Like he'll sometimes come home and go directly to the computer and stay on it all night long and that makes me mad. I realize that sometimes you just want to relax when you get home from work and I don't say anything. But, then he'll do it for days at a time and I'll say something about it. He then gets angry and says I always nag him about the same things. We did have a very bad argument the day before Christmas because I was looking for my daughters school pictures and came across two pictures of him with 4 strippers with their heads in his lap. The picture was from before we even knew each other, but I was so angry that he would keep those in our house, that I freaked out and screamed at him. I had NEVER screamed at him before. He says I overreacted and that he wanted to keep them for memories sake. I can't say if I agree with him or not. I just know that it was painful to look at them. 
Every time I have a problem with something, he says "I don't want to talk about this. It;s always the same damn thing." Well, if things would change, I wouldn't have to say these things. I always try to just talk to him about what's bothering me. I don't try to nag on him or belittle him, but he seems to take it that way. He acts like I'm attacking him and his personal character. 
I think another crucial point I need to make is that he did this once before about a month after we moved. Basically, he said I wasn't the same person and he went so far as finding out about a divorce. We decided to work it out then. I understood the last time because I really WASN'T acting like myself. I changed everything he asked me to and we were doing very well. This time I didn't even feel like things were that bad. It was just normal things that a couple goes through, so him saying that he needed to "decide" kind of blindsided me. I would understand if we talked things out mutually and tried to work things out, but I feel like he's being extremely selfish by not giving me any control over our relationship or life.
I'll answer any other questions. I just need some advice on how to handle things.
Thank you for the response =D


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## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

You said - If I got it right - that since he said he's considering leaving you, he's been acting as if there is nothing wrong, while you worry.

Sometimes after expressing something like that a person might sort of take a step or two backwards. Perhaps it might be useful to take the lull at face value for now, and focus on what can be done the best possible way in the mean time.

One thing is communication. If he feels attacked when you try to talk about things, perhaps there is a better bunch of words to choose? 
With regard to the bills, there is nothing wrong with his concern. Getting out of debt and catching up with payments can be hellish difficult, not to mention not having money for emergencies. You say youa re used to it. I would recommend getting un-used to it and figuring out how you can bring those bills under control a bit. 

I get the impression he likes to feel he is in control of a situation, and lack of control leaves him feeling a bit panicked. Maybe this is partly why he is taking control in other areas - like making decisions without including you. I may be wrong in this, but try thihnk through which areas of your relationship might be frustrating him endlessly with his lack of control because you have a different perspective or way of doing things - like the bills. Some of those sorts of things might be ones that aren't too important to you and you are able to make concessions. Others might be very important to you.

hope this helps a bit - it's not an easy problem to respond to.


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## Adorei (Jan 1, 2009)

I was actually thinking the same thing. That maybe he just said it out of fear or some other reason and he's too proud to admit that he really didn't mean it. I"m glad that someone else thinks that could be an option.

I absolutely know there is nothing wrong with being worried about bills. I didn't mean to come off sounding like I don't worry, because I do. I just don't express it like he does. It didn't help that all in one week our dog got sick (vet bill), our daughter got very sick (hospital bill) and our electric bill was double what is normally is. It very well might be how I'm so mellow about everything. Making he thinks that I don't care?

I forgot to say that he also said I am "emotionally draining"...I admitted that I did get a little uppity about things, but I would work on it. He only gave me one day to do it, though=(

We are talking later tonight, so I'll probably be back soon to say something. I hope we are okay.

And thank you for the advice. I never thought about the control thing before. It is definitely something to consider and think on.


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## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

Cool - try, when you talk, to focus on "hearing" him. Try to focus on how he feels about things - if you've heard of reflective listening, use it - checking back that you understand correctly what he is saying and feeling. You've said he doesn't want to talk and that is one of the things that is bothering you. If he feels heard, then he will feel safer to talk.

When you are focussing on listening it's easier to keep your own emotions under control a bit better and take a step back so you can think more clearly. Don't try and defend yourself. Just try and understand what has got him to the point he is at. Hope it goes well and brings some clarity for you.


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