# Ways to re-kindle lost romance in a marriage... any suggestions?



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

It's been tough for me to actually get my H to want to spend some time with me - Without the kids.

We used to go out, watch a movie , go to dinner and such back when the kids were younger and grandparents watched the kiddies... 

But now, it seems every time I ask him for a "date night" he refuses... like its a waste of time for him to have to do it. I can't even get him to sit and watch TV with me like we used to... just sitting there, TOGETHER.

Granted he's been on depression / bi polar mode more times than not ( so its difficult to get him to want to do anything), I was just hoping we can find ourselves again and at least even once a month find time for ourselves...

Hoping this may help our relationship? We've been very distant with each other lately ( him with his "moods" me trying to just step away from getting sucked into it ) and I don't want this to be like this all the time....


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Unfortunately, if he is depressed/bipolar or whatever, thhere's not a lot you can do other than continue to offer him suggestions of things to do with you. Is he on any meds for depression etc?


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

If possible try getting rid of the kids for the evening and have a night in to start with just to remind him that you both can still enjoy life with each other even though you have kids. Once this is a success then take further steps like a night out. Im guessing that because he has been depressed for so long he has given up on life he needs a little help which only you can help him with.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Jamison said:


> Unfortunately, if he is depressed/bipolar or whatever, thhere's not a lot you can do other than continue to offer him suggestions of things to do with you. Is he on any meds for depression etc?


No- Unfortunately, he does not want to go to a doctor to be treated, but clearly shows all signs of bi-polarness, BPD ... not certain which as I am no doctor. 

I do constantly TRY... but I feel in a loss... maybe holding on to the better part of our relationship in the past????? :scratchhead:


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

savannah said:


> No- Unfortunately, he does not want to go to a doctor to be treated, but clearly shows all signs of bi-polarness, BPD ... not certain which as I am no doctor.
> 
> I do constantly TRY... but I feel in a loss... maybe holding on to the better part of our relationship in the past????? :scratchhead:


I'm sorry to hear that. If he isn't willing to get some kind of help, there isn't much you can do. I'm sure it gets old and your efforts feel fruitless after trying for so long. I think after awhile you just have to take a step back, not put as much effort into things as you have in the past, that would burn most people out.

Has he ever been presented with a ultimatium/consequences? The reason I ask this is, sometimes it takes something drastic for someone to wake up and get their butt in gear, especially if they figure they have something or someone to lose.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Jamison said:


> I'm sorry to hear that. If he isn't willing to get some kind of help, there isn't much you can do. I'm sure it gets old and your efforts feel fruitless after trying for so long. I think after awhile you just have to take a step back, not put as much effort into things as you have in the past, that would burn most people out.
> 
> Has he ever been presented with a ultimatium/consequences? The reason I ask this is, sometimes it takes something drastic for someone to wake up and get their butt in gear, especially if they figure they have something or someone to lose.


Well, several times with our spats - I've had points where I've actually thrown his stuff out and asked him to leave.. I was fed up and angry that our relationship was going nowhere. Truthfully I didnt mean it... but later that day he came back and apologized.. said he would change... that was far from the truth because our spats seem to be the same old spat .. just different days! Over and over and over again.... 

I know that due to his "issues" it would not be easy... and yes, the more I try the harder it is because then I feel rejected and neglected even more. 

I've tried just letting it be... its just sad that if I continue to do this, that is all our relationship will be... him at one end of the house and me in another.... is that all there is to this? :scratchhead:


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## PNGirl (Mar 21, 2012)

What about making plans with a group of friends, maybe there wouldn't be as much "date night" pressure. Maybe a weekend day outing without the kids - even if it's just errand running and then suggest lunch before going home? Maybe suggest something that interests him (tickets to a sporting event or some other event that he would enjoy even if it's not really your thing)?

Do you all go out as a family to do fun things? Is he up for that? If not, you can always get him out first with a family outing and then move into just the two of you.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

savannah said:


> Well, several times with our spats - I've had points where I've actually thrown his stuff out and asked him to leave.. I was fed up and angry that our relationship was going nowhere. Truthfully I didnt mean it... but later that day he came back and apologized.. said he would change... that was far from the truth because our spats seem to be the same old spat .. just different days! Over and over and over again....
> 
> I know that due to his "issues" it would not be easy... and yes, the more I try the harder it is because then I feel rejected and neglected even more.
> 
> I've tried just letting it be... its just sad that if I continue to do this, that is all our relationship will be... him at one end of the house and me in another.... is that all there is to this? :scratchhead:


Have you been to a therapist yourself and explained to them how he wont get help, and tell them how he acts? Perhaps they can shed some light on things for you. 

I have a feeling though, if you remain in this situation this is how your life will be. If in fact he has something like depression, BPD, bipolar etc, he will more than likely remain this way unless he gets some kind of help. Medication wise and therapy. Anytime someone may have a mental disorder, its not just going to go away, and even if he gets help, its going to take time and there isn't a really a cure, but there are ways of helping to manage it.


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## PNGirl (Mar 21, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> Don't talk his ear off at first...Don't bring up anything negative or discuss a hot button subject.


:iagree:I think this is great advice.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> On a nice day, just pull his arm and get him to go for a walk with you.
> Down the block, to a park, etc. Don't talk his ear off at first.
> 
> Enjoy the fresh air, look around you, point out something new you see.
> ...


A nice walk was my first thought, too. Who wouldn't like that? Also, a little "footsie" under the kitchen table is something to try....and it's fun and feels nice!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If you can get someone to watch the kids, maybe make a romantic dinner for the two of you at home. Rent a movie, snuggle etc. 

If he just acts like he isn't interested, then at some point you need to decide what you want to do. Seems like you have been struggling with the same issue(s) for awhile now. Whats that saying, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result!"  If he wont get some help, and he just clearly acts uninterested no matter what you do/try, then thats no way to live and really unfair.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Thank you all for you kind suggestions...

JAMISON- We've tried counselling before... he did not do well... he hated being asked questions and especially hated that issues were brought up. He immediately felt we were ganging up on him .... could not see the issue was maybe his BPD... so it actually made life miserable in between sessions for me.. we stopped.


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## Carol/BC (Mar 23, 2012)

I like what Dean said - but I'd go a bit further. My husband and I long ago realized that we respond to different things - in a nutshell, I like conversations, and he likes sex. Base, maybe, but true! I feel loved when I'm listened to, and he feels loved when I give him a bj. And actually, I don't think it's base - men's sexuality is just different from women's. 

It's important to give your partner the stuff that turns their crank. I used to cook a nice meal for my husband, thinking I was giving to him, but it was actually what I would have wanted. Nowadays, on a date night, he dresses me up in the sex wear of his choosing (including the shoes & makeup of his choice) and plays with me as he will - he's got total permission from me. The next day he's so gushy in love with me... I get hugs and "I love you's", conversations and total attention.

Still, all that being said: this is a very difficult recipe to actually do. Often, when he pulls out certain outfits, I think, 'drats'. But in the big picture, it's worth it. Good luck.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Carol/BC said:


> I like what Dean said - but I'd go a bit further. My husband and I long ago realized that we respond to different things - in a nutshell, I like conversations, and he likes sex. Base, maybe, but true! I feel loved when I'm listened to, and he feels loved when I give him a bj. And actually, I don't think it's base - men's sexuality is just different from women's.
> 
> It's important to give your partner the stuff that turns their crank. I used to cook a nice meal for my husband, thinking I was giving to him, but it was actually what I would have wanted. Nowadays, on a date night, he dresses me up in the sex wear of his choosing (including the shoes & makeup of his choice) and plays with me as he will - he's got total permission from me. The next day he's so gushy in love with me... I get hugs and "I love you's", conversations and total attention.
> 
> Still, all that being said: this is a very difficult recipe to actually do. Often, when he pulls out certain outfits, I think, 'drats'. But in the big picture, it's worth it. Good luck.


That is actually very interesting and TRUE! I do notice that maybe sometimes I tend to want what "I" perseve as romantic... when he seems to think in more of the "sexual" romance... I don't see that as romantic, but maybe I am wired a bit differently... 

I find even the simplest of gestures, conversations and total "unsexual" connections to be the most romantic... ah- men vs. women ideals....! :scratchhead:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Carol/BC said:


> Often, when he pulls out certain outfits, I think, 'drats'.


:lol: :lol: That made me laugh, because I have not heard that expression in a long time! "Drats" :rofl: :rofl:


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## Carol/BC (Mar 23, 2012)

Savannah, I agree... I find the oddest little gestures make me feel warm and connected. I tell ya... to get to a man's love, you gotta go thru his sex. My advice: don't judge his desires, make it safe for him to express them, don't judge, fulfill as many of his fantasies as you can, and keep working at them and don't judge. Women diss men all the time for being dirty old men. Feed into his bowl with coins he finds valuable. Then he can feed into yours.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Carol/BC said:


> Savannah, I agree... I find the oddest little gestures make me feel warm and connected. I tell ya... to get to a man's love, you gotta go thru his sex. My advice: don't judge his desires, make it safe for him to express them, don't judge, fulfill as many of his fantasies as you can, and keep working at them and don't judge. Women diss men all the time for being dirty old men. Feed into his bowl with coins he finds valuable. Then he can feed into yours.


I Suppose so Carol... though I find it rather shallow to find romance solely based on sex? I mean... really??? I get it's part of it... but sex isn't even that satisfying without the romance-- Am I wrong? :scratchhead:


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## Carol/BC (Mar 23, 2012)

savannah said:


> I Suppose so Carol... though I find it rather shallow to find romance solely based on sex?


I think I expressed it rather flippantly and poorly. For me, romance and a feeling of being loved comes from feeling close to my partner. (the longer I think about it, the more I'm unsure what "romance" means here... so I'll go with "feeling loved"). Jeff (my H) feels the same. However, we get to 'feeling close' in different ways. A nice dinner out works for me, when I have him as a captive audience for my chatting. 

I just went and asked him what makes him feel all lovey toward me. He said, "well certainly, sex does. So does a sappy love movie with me on the couch". I said, "but I bet sex does more." and he said, "careful, don't put words in my mouth. Certainly, sex, sex and sex are big ones, but men aren't monochromatic. Not everything has to be sex to be good." So, I guess you'll have to ask your husband. But my main point is this: for two people to feed each other, YOU have use the feed HE wants, and HE has to use the feed YOU want. Usually that means you have to have two kinds of feed in the closet. But done right, this is not an either/or situation -- it's a BOTH situation.



> I mean... really??? I get it's part of it... but sex isn't even that satisfying without the romance-- Am I wrong? :scratchhead:


I think you are wrong in that it isn't your place to judge the value of the gifts you are giving your partner. Only HE gets to judge that. You get to judge the value of the gifts he gives you. I tell you... some of the things that Jeff loves from me seem trivial and well...baffling. But, it's how he feels, so that's that.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

I guess MY problem is that I tend to seperate my needs from HIS, and just can't mesh the two together....

When he advances with sex.. I feel like its the only thing on his mind about me, so in turn I don't feel the romance... make sense?

I suppose I will need to accept that it is HIS way and I have mine ?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Tough Love Savannah. Tough love. 

He hasn't responded to the lovey stuff in the past. He's not going to now. He needs to know you mean it or it will be pointless.


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