# Wanting him to miss me



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

It has been about about 2 1/2 months since my husband of over 20 years left me. I am not crying nearly as much as I did in the beginning and we hardly ever talk now, only about a schedule for our son or things related to him. At first I was begging him to talk to me all of the time and to come back, then I got angry about it, and now I am pretty ok with things. I really miss him at times, though. I did make the mistake of asking him one day how he could not miss "us" and he said he doesn't. He said that all of the fighting prior to him leaving was just too much and he could never go back to that. The fighting was a result of him giving me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech" and my trying to hold our marriage together. Why can he only see the negative and I see the positives of our marriage before this happened? It's like he totally forgot about all of the good times and only wants to focus on the more recent negatives. He also doesn't really want to accept his share of responsibility for the marriage ending. I just want him to miss me if nothing else.


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## cooljay (Oct 6, 2012)

It's time for you to start moving on and making yourself happy. The longer you want him to miss you, the more you try to have him focus on the positives of your marriage the more it is pushing him away, and a very good chance that it can lead to him being pushed away for good.

If you keep expecting or wanting him to do things or feel things you are going to continue to let yourself be unhappy the longer you try to change HIS feelings which you can not change. You need to work on your own feelings and work on becoming happy again. You need to be ready to move on. It WILL BE TOUGH no doubt about it there will be bad days.

Are you seeing any type of counselor at all? He doesn't even have to go as it is for YOU.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

specialplace said:


> . At first I was begging him to talk to me all of the time and to come back, then I got angry about it, and now I am pretty ok with things. I really miss him at times, though. I did make the mistake of asking him one day how he could not miss "us" and he said he doesn't. He said that all of the fighting prior to him leaving was just too much and he could never go back to that. The fighting was a result of him giving me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech" and my trying to hold our marriage together. Why can he only see the negative and I see the positives of our marriage before this happened? It's like he totally forgot about all of the good times and only wants to focus on the more recent negatives. He also doesn't really want to accept his share of responsibility for the marriage ending. I just want him to miss me if nothing else.


 Those are my words exactly. I hate that phrase "I love you, but I'm not in love with you'!! Spent days trying to figure out what in the hell that actually means. 

I feel for you so very much. I wonder why my wife doesn't miss 'us' or that so many years together can so easily be thrown away. Its tough and unfortunately nothing I can say can make you feel better.

Your only choice is to move on. It's tough, but try and think positive and find things to fill the void. I'm in the same boat. I want my wife to miss me when I'm gone, but I fear with her new relationship that will never happen. I know what the right thing to do is, but I just lie to myself because I don't want 'us' to end. I know I need to move on and not think of my wife and our memories together, but I just don't want to let go! Like me you probably know deep down what you need to do as well.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

It's far easier for him to focus on the negatives in your marriage because it's how he can justify walking away. You have no control over what he feels or doesn't so don't even try. I guarantee he will miss aspects of your marriage but is unlikely to admit it. You can only control your own behaviours and actions, so start pulling away and taking control over your life. 

I forced myself to be civil even when I didn't feel like it, not to ask anything about his life and when he volunteers information don't probe any further. It's a hard thing to do particularly if you're a nosy Parker like me and like to know what's going on...but it has to be done for your own sake
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

I love you but I'm not in love with you means "I'm a puss".


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> I love you but I'm not in love with you means "I'm a puss".


My favorite was "I fell out of love with you naturally, so trying to fall back in love wouldn't work" - in response me asking about seeing a Marriage counselor.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> My favorite was "I fell out of love with you naturally, so trying to fall back in love wouldn't work" - in response me asking about seeing a Marriage counselor.


At least she/he was original. stupid, but original.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> My favorite was "I fell out of love with you naturally, so trying to fall back in love wouldn't work" - in response me asking about seeing a Marriage counselor.


yeah, its a copout to not try and take the easy way out.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

I love you but not in love with you = I am screwing someone else and would like you to kindly get out of the way of my fantasy. Your presence in my "other" life is annoying but please don't divorce me because I love your money and the lifestyle you provide while I screw other people.

Translation - You are too beta and need to up your alpha big time.


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## startanew (Oct 23, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> I love you but not in love with you = I am screwing someone else and would like you to kindly get out of the way of my fantasy. Your presence in my "other" life is annoying but please don't divorce me because I love your money and the lifestyle you provide while I screw other people.
> 
> Translation - You are too beta and need to up your alpha big time.



Not sure if you think you're trying to actually help or if such an asinine comment makes you feel alpha, although it clearly shows those of us smart enough to see through it you are quite obviously otherwise. It really gets me how often around these boards I read men and women screaming in certainty "I love you but I'm no longer in love with you" means he/she is screwing someone else and is deeply entrenched in the throws of a hot love affair with someone else. That's just not always true. 

My soon to be ex wife said that to me many times, as I struggled to hang on to a deeply unhealthy and unhappy marriage in which I wasn't in fact alpha enough to move on from first. Like so many I told myself being together was better for our young daughters, even though deep down I knew it was past that excuse/reason for a shot at repair. Yes I am now alpha enough to realize and admit I just didn't want to A- pull the trigger first (the divorce filing trigger that is although the other crossed my mind a few times!) and B- simply didn't want to be alone in my misery just quite yet.

That being said, one thing I damn sure did do early on is spend thousands of dollars on the best PI to know she wasn't cheating when she started saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and swore there was no other. In our case she simply meant just that, and frankly so did I although I never spoke those words to her. We had kids together, we had a nice run together for a lot of years, we cared about each other, we loved each other. We still do love each other and I think are the kind of people who always will. But we are no longer or never will ever again be in love with each other. 

So for those of you who those harsh yet real words may have meant "I'm fing your best friend, our neighbor, the teacher, some stranger and and you know it and I'm loving it and he/she is so much more than you"... please...find a better outlet for that rightfully so serious despair and anger than dumping it in a broad-sweeping generalization upon every single one of us going through a breakup of any sort who've heard it. It's not always "OMG 100% affair man up and move on you're better off without him/her". /endofmy2centrant

OP imho your husband will remember the good you had and most likely miss you...someday. That day may be in weeks, months, years. As others point out try to focus on you, acceptance (sounds like that is starting to happen which is a very important step of grieving) and being strong. Don't fuel his fire ever again if possible - read - stop reaching out to him even in the slightest way. You'll be better off in the long run like so many of us will be/are...but not knowing how long that "long run" will take to get to a place of peace is hard indeed.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

startanew said:


> Not sure if you think you're trying to actually help or if such an asinine comment makes you feel alpha, although it clearly shows those of us smart enough to see through it you are quite obviously otherwise. It really gets me how often around these boards I read men and women screaming in certainty "I love you but I'm no longer in love with you" means he/she is screwing someone else and is deeply entrenched in the throws of a hot love affair with someone else. That's just not always true.
> 
> My soon to be ex wife said that to me many times, as I struggled to hang on to a deeply unhealthy and unhappy marriage in which I wasn't in fact alpha enough to move on from first. Like so many I told myself being together was better for our young daughters, even though deep down I knew it was past that excuse/reason for a shot at repair. Yes I am now alpha enough to realize and admit I just didn't want to A- pull the trigger first (the divorce filing trigger that is although the other crossed my mind a few times!) and B- simply didn't want to be alone in my misery just quite yet.
> 
> ...


I agree that it does not always mean that but, this is the exception to the rule. Most people that say that are, in fact, having a EA or PA. My wife being one of them....


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Hermes said:


> I agree that it does not always mean that but, this is the exception to the rule. Most people that say that are, in fact, having a EA or PA. My wife being one of them....


Mine as well. 



startanew said:


> Not sure if you think you're trying to actually help or if such an asinine comment makes you feel alpha, although it clearly shows those of us smart enough to see through it you are quite obviously otherwise. It really gets me how often around these boards I read men and women screaming in certainty "I love you but I'm no longer in love with you" means he/she is screwing someone else and is deeply entrenched in the throws of a hot love affair with someone else. That's just not always true.


As far as his post being a 'asinine' comment. I think its fairly obvious to see the poster was making light of a bad situation. For being one of those 'so smart to see through it' seems like you completely missed the point. Lighten up a little.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> I love you but not in love with you = I am screwing someone else and would like you to kindly get out of the way of my fantasy. Your presence in my "other" life is annoying but please don't divorce me because I love your money and the lifestyle you provide while I screw other people.
> 
> Translation - You are too beta and need to up your alpha big time.


I agree....time to start thinking about yourself.








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