# Emotional/sexting affair



## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

I am 32 years old. I thought happily married to 32 year old husband since 2008. Together 12 years. Two kids 3 and 1. I am still nursing, work full time. My husband inadvertently texted me rather than his coworker Tuesday. Discovered sexting and emotional affair with two women. 

Husband trickle truthed initially. No indication of physical affair. But how do I know. First has been going on for over a year. Supposedly sexual messages stopped when husband became this woman's boss. Second going on for 6 months. This woman is on maternity leave (yuck I know). 

Husbands industry requires lots of social contact. I am 'friends' with these women. My children go to their kids parties. 

Husband also admits to lying about using pornography several times a week throughout marriage. Our intimacy has never been great but improving. Sex once a week or at least twice a month. I have never declined and enjoy my husband. 

I need to lose weight. My husband has told me so as well. I am exhausted. And breastfeeding. But it is no excuse. I know I need to be responsible for me. Others consider me to be attractive still. I am approached by men regularly. 

My husband set up counseling. Called his family and mine to admit to what he did. He wants to stay together. 

I feel so disgusted. I also don't want my children to have a broken home. How do I know that no physical contact occurred? How do I know he won't do this again? The second woman reports that she is moving departments or her husband will leave her. But my husband is still the first woman's boss. I am so angry not just about our relationship but that he was so reckless with our financial future. Quitting work is not an option. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you find a need to be here. But of course, welcome to TAM.

Your husband needs to find a new job. He cannot work with these women.

You of course have no way of knowing is he had sex with these women without him or the women speaking up.

How do you know if he continues cheat or starts up? The only way is to trust but verify.

Did he do all this via his cell phone? on a computer? 

Have you spoken to either of these women about their involvement with your husband?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

taytay03 said:


> Husband trickle truthed initially. No indication of physical affair. But how do I know. First has been going on for over a year. Supposedly sexual messages stopped when husband became this woman's boss. Second going on for 6 months. This woman is on maternity leave (yuck I know).


I'm sorry you're here. Because he was in daily proximity with these women, it is extremely unlikely that a physical affair did not take place. With two small children, I understand why you want to forgive him and move on. However, unless he acknowledges that you deserve to know the truth and then proceeds to admit his physical affairs and provides details, you should not try to move past this. If you move past this too easily, he will cheat again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with Steve. It's highly likely that he has had sex with both of these women.

Do the women know about each other?

You need to get an STD test.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Don't take the blame for his affair. Like you said, you are responsible for you, but don't feel to blame for his reckless choices. I'm not an advocate of reconciliation, but seeing you have small kids, I guess you have to do what you think is best...for the whole family. Maybe that's what happens when kids are in the picture, it's not just about you and your spouse anymore. Stay strong.


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with Steve. It's highly likely that he has had sex with both of these women.
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They do not know about each other. I will get tested. He says he will take a lie detector test. I don't know if that counts for anything. 


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Sorry you find a need to be here. But of course, welcome to TAM.
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It was on his cell phone. He had deleted the records. I told him I needed verification and he recovered the messages. What I saw was consistent with what he was telling me. I have spoken to the second woman. I have her the option of telling her husband before I did. She says nothing more happened. Was apologetic which just made me sick. 


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

taytay03 said:


> I need to lose weight. My husband has told me so as well. I am exhausted. And breastfeeding. But it is no excuse. I know I need to be responsible for me. Others consider me to be attractive still. I am approached by men regularly.


 First of all, this has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING here. It sounds to me like you're setting yourself up to take the blame for your husband cheating!! STOP that. Right now.



taytay03 said:


> My husband set up counseling. Called his family and mine to admit to what he did. He wants to stay together.


 This is a great teeny tiny very first step towards your husband proving he's worthy of R. But if he thinks this is all he has to do then he needs a slap in the head. This is only the beginning.



taytay03 said:


> I feel so disgusted.


 As you should. What your husband did WAS disgusting.



taytay03 said:


> I also don't want my children to have a broken home.


 What does a 'broken' home mean, really? People throw this term around all the time to describe any marriage break up. But would you call it a 'broken' home if the wife was having the crap beaten out of her and she left? I wouldn't. I would call that home FIXED because they got rid of the cause of the problem. Being married to an unremorseful cheater is broken. Divorcing one IS NOT. 



taytay03 said:


> How do I know that no physical contact occurred? How do I know he won't do this again?


 You don't. There are absolutely NO guarantees. With your husband, my husband, or any other husband or wife. NO ONE can guarantee this, ever. But what you can do is decide for yourself whether your husband has proven to you that he has done every single thing humanly possible to assure you of his remorse. EVERYthing.



taytay03 said:


> Quitting work is not an option.


 It HAS to be, or you will never truly heal. If this is truly the case, then divorce is far more likely. Finding another job is an absolute must for you to EVER feel secure with him in the future.

Your job right now (aside from taking care of yourself, eating and drinking enough, sleeping and exercising, plus taking care of your kids!) is to find out whether your husband is truly remorseful. Start by reading the thread below. Oh, and tell him he has to get STD tested and supply you with the results in writing to prove he hasn't infected himself somehow.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Would you do anything differently if you were to find out that he did have sex with either or both of these women?

If not, you could take the approach that you accept what he has told you. But, from here on out he has to do what is necessary to prove that he can be trusted. And he has to agree that you can monitor all of his electronic devices, and do anything else that you need to so that you feel safe.

Here are some good books for the two of you to read. Hopefully they will help you both know how to go forward if that's what you choose to do.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful 

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity 

And a thread to help with the 'verify' part of it all.

Standard Evidence Post


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well... since you KNOW these women, why not go directly to the source, and ask them? It sounds like they are already having issues with their own situations, so, I would think it could be worth a shot. Maybe the one woman's husband has some info? Personally... I would kick his cheating ass to the curb, if this were me. Not a good situation at all.


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Would you do anything differently if you were to find out that he did have sex with either or both of these women?
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As screwed up as it is I still think I would try to see if the marriage can be repaired. At this point it is more that I feel like I need total and complete honesty to move forward. He needs to respect me enough to give me the facts to make a decision (even if the specifics don't change my decision)


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

Dont take blame. Sounds like to get the reassurance you need a Poly Graph is a must. Its the only way you will get truth. I wouldn't believe a single word he says. 

Its far more likely it went physical with the close proximity.

Do you really think 2 grown adults, that have full access to each other, who have a sexual tension between them, find each other attractive, share explicit text messages of a very sexual nature dont also have sex? That's insane. 

Poly Graph him
Make him set it up
tell him its the only way you will stay
Watch out for the trickle truth 
expect the parking lot confession


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

taytay03 said:


> As screwed up as it is I still think I would try to see if the marriage can be repaired.


This is NOT screwed up. Stop thinking of yourself as screwed up or your decisions and thoughts as screwed up. First of all, you just got hit with a meteorite. Right smack dab between the eyes. There's a reason BS's suffer from PTSD. They really do - I did. EXPECT to be screwed up - it's your new normal for the next 2-5 years I am very sorry to say.

Wanting R, though should NOT mean that you become a doormat. You have to demand R on YOUR terms. NOT his. He does not get to call ANY of the shots right now or for the foreseeable future. I agree that you should kick him out - that's exactly what I did the day I found out. There is no better way to clear your head, believe me. By the way, we are together today, 7 years later.


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> This is NOT screwed up. Stop thinking of yourself as screwed up or your decisions and thoughts as screwed up. First of all, you just got hit with a meteorite. Right smack dab between the eyes. There's a reason BS's suffer from PTSD. They really do - I did. EXPECT to be screwed up - it's your new normal for the next 2-5 years I am very sorry to say.
> 
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> Wanting R, though should NOT mean that you become a doormat. You have to demand R on YOUR terms. NOT his. He does not get to call ANY of the shots right now or for the foreseeable future. I agree that you should kick him out - that's exactly what I did the day I found out. There is no better way to clear your head, believe me. By the way, we are together today, 7 years later.




Thank you for all the responses. I have been at my parents. He is home. The kids have been back and forth. I chose to go so I would have help with the kids. I am glad to know that some find a way through


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

taytay03 said:


> As screwed up as it is I still think I would try to see if the marriage can be repaired. At this point it is more that I feel like I need total and complete honesty to move forward. He needs to respect me enough to give me the facts to make a decision (even if the specifics don't change my decision)


When I caught my husband cheating, I knew for a fact that he was not telling me the entire truth. I know because I had solid evidence of a lot of things, far more than he admitted to.

Eventually I told him that if he would not come 100% clean with me, then I had to rely on my imagination. He was ok with that.

You have a slightly different issue because there is no way he can prove that he never had sex with another woman. Right now you cannot prove it that he did. That works for him.

Is the husband of the OW going to have a paternity test done on her child? I can be done via the mother's blood. It's a non-invasive test that does not hurt the baby. If he had sex with her, there could be a chance that he got her pregnant.

Most of the information I got about my husband's cheating way by talking to the women he cheated with. I think it might be a good idea to talk to the woman that you have not talked to yet.

With the pregnant women, I'd ask her if it is possible that your husband is the father of her baby.

And I would tell both women about the other.

Of course you have the problem that your husband did all of this at work to his job could be jeopardized. He really needs to look for another job. Or need needs to get the woman he cheated in a position where she is not his subordinate and he does not see her all the time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

taytay03 said:


> Thank you for all the responses. I have been at my parents. He is home. The kids have been back and forth. I chose to go so I would have help with the kids. I am glad to know that some find a way through.


So he is living by himself right now? How long ago did you leave the marital home?

If I were you, I'd hide some VARs (voice activated recorders) and/or hidden spy cameras around the house. For example a VAR secured with Velcro under the bed. A VAR hidden on top of some tall furniture in a living room, or wherever the front door to your house is.

You can go in the house when he's not there to put them out and pick the up.

Do you know what he is doing with his time while you are not there?

I'd also put a VAR, secured with adhesive backed Velcro, up under the front seat of his car. Most people use their car like a phone booth. Plus, if he is still cheating, he might have women in his car.


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> So he is living by himself right now? How long ago did you leave the marital home?
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Yeah that's probably smart. It has only been since Tuesday. He has had the kids the last two nights. I was with him during the day. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Make sure that you keep getting mail at your house (the one you left). That will maintain that you have not abandoned the family home. That way you can come and go as you please.

How did he react to you moving out?


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Make sure that you keep getting mail at your house (the one you left). That will maintain that you have not abandoned the family home. That way you can come and go as you please.
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> How did he react to you moving out?




He keeps asking for me to return home. But says he respects why I need space. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long ago did you find out about the affair?

It is completely possible to rebuild your marriage and go on to years of a very good marriage. It takes a lot of work. 

What has he been doing to help you heal? 

Has he said why he cheated? And if so, what is he doing about it?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with Steve. It's highly likely that he has had sex with both of these women.
> 
> Do the women know about each other?
> 
> You need to get an STD test.


It's damn near a certainty.

After all, EA + physical proximity = PA.

Hell, ^this^ is reliable enough that it ought to be referred to as Newton's Fourth Law.

OP, he wants to reconcile, right?

Does he realize that will mean getting a new job?

And do you know whether or not either of these women are married?

Do any of them (your husband or either of the other women) manage any of the others?


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How long ago did you find out about the affair?
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I found out Tuesday. He said he cheated because he wanted to feel admired and wanted. He is answering questions and giving access to devices. He did his first individual counseling session today


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

taytay03 said:


> I found out Tuesday. He said he cheated because he wanted to feel admired and wanted. He is answering questions and giving access to devices. He did his first individual counseling session today


He needs to keep you updated with IC progress. You need to know that this counselor is NOT giving him a free pass here, or counseling for him to rugsweep, or that the cheating is in ANY way your fault.

Please read the Newbie link I posted earlier. There's a TON of stuff in there that will help you.


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

Grapes said:


> Dont take blame. Sounds like to get the reassurance you need a Poly Graph is a must. Its the only way you will get truth. I wouldn't believe a single word he says.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He set it up. It's not until Wednesday. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do some reading about polygraphs. They are not all that reliable.


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> It's damn near a certainty.
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Yes they are both married. And my husband is now one's boss but says the contact stopped when that became the case


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

1. He needs to find a new job. 
2. You need to tell the women's husbands. 
3. You need to get him to write you a complete time-line of events with both women: when texting started, flirting happened, when they met in person to flirt, and when they had sex. I'm assuming he had sex with them both.
4. You need to protect yourself. This man is not marriage material. His excuse for doing what he did is not something to be taken lightly. He is fundamentally incapable of fidelity.


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

Well he passed the lie detector. No physical affair or intent for one. 


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

taytay03 said:


> Well he passed the lie detector. No physical affair or intent for one.


How do you feel about that?


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

I feel good to have confirmation about what he has been telling me. I feel like I have some understanding to what he was thinking. I still feel very hurt that it happened at all. 


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

A lot of liars are pretty good at lying.

Anyway, whatever.

How's his job search going?


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

taytay03 said:


> I need to lose weight. My husband has told me so as well. I am exhausted. And breastfeeding. But it is no excuse. I know I need to be responsible for me. Others consider me to be attractive still. I am approached by men regularly.
> 
> My husband set up counseling. Called his family and mine to admit to what he did. He wants to stay together.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry you're going through this. And you absolutely do have an excuse for feeling exhausted and not your best- you have a baby and you're nursing (breastfeeding?) and working full-time. My heart goes out to you. 

Have you heard of the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley? While I'm not into everything Marriage Builders says, I do think Dr. Harley's steps for handling an affair (which is what your husband is doing) help couples going through this. I'd get my hands on the book (or even google the website and read the online articles for how to handle an affair) and get started. 

You'll have to expose what your husband is doing to family and possibly close friends and his workplace. This will likely bust up the affairs because affairs thrive on secrecy, and get you the support you need right now in getting your husband to stop his atrocious behavior.

I'd also consider calling them. You can get free counseling from them on what your next steps should be. The only way to save your marriage is to call your husband out, get family to help, and have your husband want to work this out with you hat in hand. He will need to do some serious work to repair the damage he's caused you.


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

He actually called both families and told them himself. So there is no secrecy there. I have talked to one woman's husband (he called me). He is definitely not minimizing the affairs thankfully. I just feel like there is no way for him to know the depth of my pain. Thanks for the book recommendations. I am open to read anything 


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## taytay03 (May 23, 2016)

So even though I do feel I have the entire truth I am now super anxious. I feel like I am on the verge of an anxiety attack all the time. Is this normal? 


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

taytay03 said:


> So even though I do feel I have the entire truth I am now super anxious. I feel like I am on the verge of an anxiety attack all the time. Is this normal?


You don't feel settled because you aren't convinced he's been truthful with you.

Lie detector tests are not reliable. 

He very well could be cheating, you know this, at least subconciously, and that is why you're experiencing high anxiety.


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