# Confused about 180



## Lost0297 (Aug 21, 2015)

I understand the premise behind the 180, but have concerns about it backfiring. My husband of 15 years has decided to move out in a couple of weeks and "acting" as if I'm fine with it and moving on with my life is downright impossible. I know it is supposed to be a way to protect myself, but it comes out all wrong. This "separation" is supposed to be a way for him to put his life in perspective. I don't have much hope.

What I've managed to do is become withdrawn. I am in so much pain that I can barely even look at him, let alone talk to him. What has happened as a result is now he is doing the same. There is awkward silence except for the kids. I feel like I am pushing him away even further. I am not being "mysterious" and I am certainly not making him realize what he is losing. Help!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The 180 is very situational in my view. There are a few scenarios I think of when implementation of the 180 is appropriate:

- When one spouse cheats but is not very remorseful. The other spouse wants to try and save the marriage if possible, so 180 is implemented. Cheating spouse may or may not see what he/she stands to lose, and real remorse and recovery may/may not result. The 180 spouse stays hard on the course, not caring one way or another if the cheating spouse actually becomes remorseful, but the point is to really give last ditch effort to save the marriage and be 100% sure before divorce.

- When one spouse is not meeting critical needs (sex, financial security, etc) in the marriage and these needs have been clearly expressed by the requiring spouse. 180 is implemented as a means for the "requiring" spouse to learn to be more outcome independent and demonstrate that life goes on with or without the spouse that is not meeting critical needs. "You cannot change others, you can only change yourself" sort of attitude applies here. Personally, I picture a visual representation of Gandhi's "Be the change you wish to see in the world" quote.

If your husband is separating physically but you have hopes that the marriage may repair over time, my strong impression is that it will not. You cannot repair things while apart, you can only "miss" each other. The problems still remain when you come back together.

So, if he is adamant about moving out, you should assume that he is done and you should also learn to be done. That is what the 180 is for, keeping you occupied with other activities and thoughts so that you learn to healthily detach from the thing that you have known as a constant for the last 15 years.

Change is difficult in life but often necessary. If you try your best to keep active and busy and not permit yourself to enter into a depressed state (and you will have your good days/bad days until things sort of even out), then you will have a much more introspective outlook on why things happened and that they are a normal part of life teaching us its lessons.

The greatest thing I learned from my divorce (when I was feeling very sad) was that time was the most important thing to help give me perspective so I could heal. You don't have the gift of time yet as this is still fresh, so you will have to learn to pick yourself up in other ways until time has passed. This is how the 180 helps to keep you on track.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Lost0297 said:


> I understand the premise behind the 180, but have concerns about it backfiring. My husband of 15 years has decided to move out in a couple of weeks and "acting" as if I'm fine with it and moving on with my life is downright impossible. I know it is supposed to be a way to protect myself, but it comes out all wrong. This "separation" is supposed to be a way for him to put his life in perspective. I don't have much hope.
> 
> What I've managed to do is become withdrawn. I am in so much pain that I can barely even look at him, let alone talk to him. What has happened as a result is now he is doing the same. There is awkward silence except for the kids. I feel like I am pushing him away even further. I am not being "mysterious" and I am certainly not making him realize what he is losing. Help!


The 180 is about making you capable of functioning on your own as a single person. Your spouse is now a stranger, and you are looking after yourself accordingly. You are running on logic, not on emotion. It's about finding your inner strength and not relying on someone else to rescue you. It's not about being mysterious or reminding him what he's losing.

You cannot control your spouse. It's not about how he reacts. The 180 is about distancing yourself from trying to do that. He'll either 'find himself' or he won't during this separation. Meanwhile, you'll operate from the worst case scenario of him not coming back and stand on your own two feet.

Don't look at him. Don't interact with him. Be withdrawn. So what about his reaction? Put it out of your mind for a while. You are not pushing him away. He's under his own control. You are doing emergency preparedness for being on your own. The 180 is self-protection.

I've heard it sometimes has a rare side effect of making people come to their senses, but that's certainly not why it's important.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How would you behave differently if you were not doing the 180?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

The premise is a basic one - turn your focus 180 degrees from your SO/relationship to your self. The idea behind this is that by focusing on your self, you will become a better you. It is not just about ignoring your SO, it is about FOCUSING on your self. What can YOU do to make YOUR SELF a better person? One beneficial side effect of focusing on your self is that in doing so you make your self more attractive, not just to you SO but also to others as well. Your SO may decide to come back, but at that point it will be up to the new improved you to decide if that is something you are really interested in pursuing. IMO opinion many of those who advise the 180 typically do so with emphasis on ignoring your SO and forget about focusing on your self.


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I've only read a little bit about the 180 but a few people mentioned it in their posts. From what I have read, it seems challenging to say the least. My situation is, we went through a couple of years of couples therapy and my husband seeing a therapist on his own for personal issues, he decided he wants to separate. We have been married for 15+ years, have 3 kids. He feels overwhelmed by the pace of our life and feels we are incompatible but says I am his best friend. He thinks we should be able to separate and stay close friends and raise happy and healthy kids in separate homes. I am having a really hard time because I already miss him so much and he hasn't even moved out yet. I am trying to focus on myself, exercising more, making time to be with friends, not dwelling on what I am missing. But it is so damn hard. 
I can totally relate to the pain you feel and you withdrawing and him withdrawing back. I am so scared that if I ignore him too much, there will maybe be no chance of reconciliation. But he has pretty much laid it out that he wants to separate and then move forward with divorce in a year. There are some moments where I realize I have come to accept this as a reality. But I am amazed at how often I find myself wondering/hoping that he will leave, regret his decision and want to come back. 
It is so hard to accept all of this as reality~ and we haven't even told the kids yet~ I guess that will make it really feel real.
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your story, just can relate. Sending good thoughts your way.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

Stillhoping I feel the same way. I been implementing the 180 ( we are separated ) at the beginning he will text me and I would ignore and after a week he doesn't text me any more. I do have to say that my husband has a new girl that he is in love with so it makes it totally different and more painful.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Separation almost always leads to divorce. He forms himself already. Do the 180. When he mentions being good friends, tell him friends don't stab each other in the back. Then tell him to kiss your a$$. Get a shark lawyer.

Odds he already has your replacement.....95%.

See your MD for temp help.

Find a gym and start working out. Most of us could lose weight. Working out makes feel better physically and mentally.

Get some new clothes. Go out.

Put him in your rear view mirror and let him eat your dust.

Find the site that let's you coordinate visitation without having to talk to him. Do not let him in the house.

Or you can just be his b!tch.

No excuses!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Satya laid the 180 very well. It does have two purposes, one to help break an affair off, and two to make you stronger. It is not a tool to use in the hopes of reconciliation. Sometimes the spouse takes note of your changes, and sometimes they don't. But the 180 can help you be a stronger individual so that you can handle the results-whatever they may be.

One of the results you may have to accept is that your H is not going to return. You do not have to remain friends them. You can be cordial when dealing with the kids, but IMO, if they move out and out of the marriage they are not your friend. Treat them like the mailman, or the fed-ex guy delivering packages. Be cordial, but aloof. What they do in their life is no longer your concern (save dealing with kids), and what you choose to do is none of his business. (It takes time to reach that level of detachment).

Really, how many of your REAL friends walk out of your life?


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## Scotty0310 (Apr 1, 2014)

Satya said:


> The 180 is very situational in my view. There are a few scenarios I think of when implementation of the 180 is appropriate:
> 
> 
> If your husband is separating physically but you have hopes that the marriage may repair over time, my strong impression is that it will not. You cannot repair things while apart, you can only "miss" each other. The problems still remain when you come back together.
> ...


I kind of disagree with the physical separation part on this. That feeling of "missing" each other can allow current temperatures to cool off and, if both are willing, be able to sit down and attempt to discuss the situation. I only say this because it helped me once and honestly I'm hoping it will help me again now. However, it is a true statement where the physical separation will not FIX the issue, you cant move out, wait several weeks or however long and move back in and everything be hunky doory. But the time apart may allow both, you and him to miss each others company and think about how you two fell in love. Maybe even open the door for a chance to sit and talk about things with a clearer mindset.


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## sosotte (Mar 24, 2015)

Although I agree that the 180 should be about oneself, I think most people who come here and read about the 180 are hoping for reconciliation. This is just a strategy you can try. 
The 180 can give a chance to see what it would really be like to be separated. Maybe then your husband will then realize what he would be missing. It can only work if you give him space and time to experience what it would really be like to be separated. Then, the choice is his and the odds are at 50/50. 

During the 180, it's good to work on yourself to become once again the person he fell in love with or to work on the things he would like you to change, if that's an option for you. If you show him that you are improving, he might second guess his decision to leave. 

The most important thing of the 180 IMO is that it makes you understand that nobody wants to be with someone who is depressed and needy and crying, so no matter what and no matter how much it hurts, it's good to show yourself as a strong and happy person, a person what he would want to be around. 

And if finally he doesn't come back, it's his loss.


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