# A year from DDay



## Dday (Mar 31, 2013)

In just over 1 week it will have been 1 year since the worse night and days of my life. I find myself triggering more often now and feeling resentful again for what she did. 

The worse part of all of this is how, looking back, she was able to carry out these affairs almost effortlessly, with precision and premeditated actions. 

We are still together, went to MC, went through the hysterical bonding, and now feel we are in another rut in our marriage. Before her affair I wouldn't question our relationship but I am much more alert now. I am 100% sure there is no affair or contact with the OM but it is exhausting trying to check on her and always having my guard up. I know this is affecting her as much as me but I just can't trust like I did before. 

I don't want to and can't continue on like this but I'm not ready to put my guard down. On top of that I'm not 100% sure I have the whole story with OM1 or if there was another OM which I suspected but she vehemently denies. I will probably never be 100% sure of her actions but I guess to completely reconcile I have to allow 97% to be good enough. 

I'm afraid I will never feel what I need from her to be completely happy again. I had to force myself to get her a gift for valentines day, Christmas and her birthday. I used to love getting the perfect gift or writing inside a card, now I just don't have the drive or desire to do nice things for her. I know if this doesn't change our marriage is doomed for failure but I'm not sure I can force a change. I'm hoping that time will heal and I am fairly patient but I need to see some progress.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Is your story posted here? I will go look at your old posts and try to find it. 

My DDay was three weeks before my 40th birthday. I found a lingerie receipt and thought it was going to be for me (even though we never exchanged gifts like that). Then I noticed the date said July and it was now October. 

After a couple of hours on the computer I found out I was living with a complete stranger. 

My birthdays are no longer fun but a reminder of my DDAY. 

Is MC over? How long did you go for? 

Children?

I will go read your posts. 

Sorry you are here. Others will be here soon.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

sorry I have not read your full story, but hearing how you feel, I wonder why you force yourself to stay married with her, I sounds as if you are emotionally drained and between the pain and the state of alert that you are, you have your glass full to the top.

I don't know if you have read threads from users as disenchanted, whyme, Ing, Kasler or Workindad, what all of they have in common is that at the begining they did not visualized life without their Xwives/partners, if you read their first posts they desesperatly wanted to save their marriage, but now all of them are single or with new partners, and saying that they don't understand how they put with the pain and the betrayal and how they tried to save that realationship, this could easily be your case.

remember that in theory you are staying with your wife because she will be able to bring you more happiness that the suffering you are dealing with for her betrayal, but if this is not your case why you force yourself to stay?


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## Dday (Mar 31, 2013)

Rugs said:


> Is your story posted here? I will go look at your old posts and try to find it.
> 
> My DDay was three weeks before my 40th birthday. I found a lingerie receipt and thought it was going to be for me (even though we never exchanged gifts like that). Then I noticed the date said July and it was now October.
> 
> ...


Yes my story is on here, the thread is quite long but was extremely helpful and I got some much needed advice. 

We have 3 kids (6,5,3)

We went to MC for about 3 months. It was good in the beginning but then it turned into me needing to rug sweep and move on so I lost interest in going. It did give us some tools for communication that we still use.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, I'm on page 16 but need to sleep. It seems the live for your family prompted a rug sweep of sorts and now resentment has built.

Can you discuss your current feeling with your wife. 

The original marriage is dead and gone and you can't get it back. Staying with your wife, a new marriage needs to be created. You can't live in two marriages (the old and new). That's why putting it behind you quickly is not a good idea. 

Kids are young and I can see for their sake and financial reasons, you wanting to stay together. At this point, I would consider individual counseling and communicating to your wife your feelings of hurt.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Dday said:


> Yes my story is on here, the thread is quite long but was extremely helpful and I got some much needed advice.
> 
> We have 3 kids (6,5,3)
> 
> We went to MC for about 3 months. It was good in the beginning but then it turned into me needing to rug sweep and move on so I lost interest in going. It did give us some tools for communication that we still use.



Then, find another MC. You do not ever need to rug sweep. If your counselor suggests, otherwise, he/she is not a very good counselor. THIS, coming from the WS in my own marriage. We are nearly 22 months into reconciliation. 

Has your wife been proactively seeking ways to help you heal, or does she encourage you to put her betrayal behind you so that the two of you can move forward? Reconciliation is not easy. It takes an unbelievable amount of time, commitment, patience, understanding, and love, from both spouses, for a reconciliation to even stand a chance of being successful. If your marriage was lacking in any of these, prior to the infidelity, it is certainly going to be a long, uphill climb. 

Even I knew, when our MC wanted my BS to rug sweep and move on, that our reconciliation/marriage would be doomed to fail if we didn't dive right into everything. Reconciliation is NOT just about staying married. Lots of people stay married, (and miserable,) after infidelity. Others divorce, and often remain, or become amicable, later. A successful reconciliation occurs when both spouses choose to commit to making the relationship better than it ever was before the infidelity. That will never happen when the WS wants the BS to "get over it and move on." What is your WS doing to help you heal?


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Dday said:


> I don't want to and can't continue on like this but I'm not ready to put my guard down. On top of that I'm not 100% sure I have the whole story with OM1 or if there was another OM which I suspected but she vehemently denies. *I will probably never be 100% sure of her actions but I guess to completely reconcile I have to allow 97% to be good enough.
> *
> *I'm afraid I will never feel what I need from her to be completely happy again.* I had to force myself to get her a gift for valentines day, Christmas and her birthday. I used to love getting the perfect gift or writing inside a card, now I just don't have the drive or desire to do nice things for her. I know if this doesn't change our marriage is doomed for failure but I'm not sure I can force a change. I'm hoping that time will heal and I am fairly patient but I need to see some progress.


I question why you would want a relationship with someone after expressing those feelings. 

As far as forcing a change, that's just wrong. You shouldn't be forcing her to do anything, it should be do willingly and freely by her.

It doesn't sound like you've made any progress after a year.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

EI said:


> Then, find another MC. You do not ever need to rug sweep. If your counselor suggests, otherwise, he/she is not a very good counselor. THIS, coming from the WS in my own marriage. We are nearly 22 months into reconciliation.
> 
> Has your wife been proactively seeking ways to help you heal, or does she encourage you to put her betrayal behind you so that the two of you can move forward? Reconciliation is not easy. It takes an unbelievable amount of time, commitment, patience, understanding, and love, from both spouses, for a reconciliation to even stand a chance of being successful. If your marriage was lacking in any of these, prior to the infidelity, it is certainly going to be a long, uphill climb.
> 
> Even I knew, when our MC wanted my BS to rug sweep and move on, that our reconciliation/marriage would be doomed to fail if we didn't dive right into everything. Reconciliation is NOT just about staying married. Lots of people stay married, (and miserable,) after infidelity. Others divorce, and often remain, or become amicable, later. A successful reconciliation occurs when both spouses choose to commit to making the relationship better than it ever was before the infidelity. That will never happen when the WS wants the BS to "get over it and move on." What is your WS doing to help you heal?


Sometimes the MC takes the que from the clients. Dday was pushing R no matter what. Lately we have seen a few posts from others who did the same and are now struggling.

The issue Dday will have is now they have a year of bad R they must undo on top of the A to deal with. This will cause more damage and trust issues on both the BS and WS.

Your story is great as you did not jump straight to R. You worked on a lot before R was possible.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Same time line for me DDay. At least you have done some work. I can't say the same. My WS is all talk and no action with occasional references to needing to work on herself - but nothing happens. 2014 is the year of change. I was told to get over it more than once in this time. I have had to accept the cold hard fact that I don't do it for her; haven't for a long time. Good Dad and housekeeper though.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

I am going to say something that will pxss many.... so here it go's:

I will never understand why a BS wants to R. to live a life of shxt!
Yes, i understand the kids involved, but then again living in this way is what it must be also for them? Not trusting, suspecius, wondering, triggers, etc etc etc .... COMM'ON!
Personaly i will never be able to R. ... it just isnt me, also because i know how it wuold be. I admire who is capable doing so, but only when they live a happy life.... otherwise whats the meaning?
Yeah.... i'm ready! Go on me 

So,


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

Anything less than 100% trust,love,adoration,understanding,respect,desire & need will never be successful. 
Would you have 100% support from her if you needed no matter what the situation?
Even if reconciliation worked,you would always think back to the betrayals,there will always be a niggling thoughts has she hasn't she.
Is it worth it?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

jack.c said:


> I am going to say something that will pxss many.... so here it go's:
> 
> I will never understand why a BS wants to R. to live a life of shxt!
> Yes, i understand the kids involved, but then again living in this way is what it must be also for them? Not trusting, suspecius, wondering, triggers, etc etc etc .... COMM'ON!
> ...


I couldn't either, and didn't. I believe very few can reconcile successfully and it's mostly fear that holds a lot of relationships together after something like this. 

Fear of being alone, fear of being broke, fear of not seeing your children everyday, religion.........

This OP seems like he might not be strong enough to leave and should seek some counseling or not being able to cope with staying but wants do so counseling for that too. 

It's a tough choice for many and a lot end up leaving the marriage eventually as the hurt sets in and they detach. For some it's a process.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

jack.c said:


> I am going to say something that will pxss many.... so here it go's:
> 
> I will never understand why a BS wants to R. to live a life of shxt!
> Yes, i understand the kids involved, but then again living in this way is what it must be also for them? Not trusting, suspecius, wondering, triggers, etc etc etc .... COMM'ON!
> ...


No need to go on you.. Everyone and every situation is different and you are entitled to have opinions. You don't understand, that's cool.. some do, some don't.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

jack.c said:


> I am going to say something that will pxss many.... so here it go's:
> 
> I will never understand why a BS wants to R. to live a life of shxt!
> Yes, i understand the kids involved, but then again living in this way is what it must be also for them? Not trusting, suspecius, wondering, triggers, etc etc etc .... COMM'ON!
> ...


You're right Jack.C. And R sucks because it's hard NOT to have a 'shxt' life with so many WS. It's only worth trying if WS:
- stops treating BS like a fool and coughs up the whole truth 
- does NC
- is TOTALLY transparent 
- checks in on BS often & asks how they can help
- is prepared to discuss the A openly and frankly 
- shows patience for BS's up and down days, triggers etc.

How many WS do that, 1 in 100. . . or 500. . . or 1000? In spite of being told all that by BS? 

But words like respect, kindness, empathy and generosity of spirit don't spring to mind when it comes to WS. Most demonstrate it post D-day with lies, half-truths, omissions, rugsweeping, blameshifting, refusal to discuss it. . . the list is long. 

Shucks, they just want the easy way out. . . again. 

Which one of us would have even dated WS if we knew who they really were? 

You're right, R is a 'shxt' life, for most BS. Look at these threads. There are many factors that make it difficult to leave, *but if at all possible,* my advice would be to run for the hills on D-day. Wish I had.

ETA - *OP, you have 3 small children. I'm not saying you should leave or you shouldn't. But at least try and get it into WS's head what she ABSOLUTELY must do for you to have a chance to R.*


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

I would also find it very hard to let my SO touch me sexually knowing they had done the same/similar to another. My thoughts would wander to things like:- 
•did you do this to them?
•did you enjoy it more with them?
•were they better than me?
I think most would do this, could you overcome this & resume a consistent,stable,functional,trusting,loving relationship.
I KNOW I COULDN'T.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

There is no guarantee that things will get better for you. As you're finding out, R is hard even in the best of circumstances. I went through the same thing at one year past Dday. Not so much at year two.

The chances of these regrets fading after time, are very much dependent on your wife's demonstration of remorse. Does she know what your expectations are? Is she doing the heavy lifting? Is she consistent?

If so, there's a good chance that you'll feel better about this with each passing year.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

The reality is, infidelity changes the marriage. It changes each other, which then changes how we relate to each other. 

They are a new person we are facing. Only we, the bs can decide if we can live with this new person. 

I am 3 years out this May, and believe me, there is so many changes ahead of you yet. My h and I separated within 6 months as it was just to toxic to stay living together. We are now trying MC, still living apart. R is a tough road and changes daily, it has change me completely, and has woken my life up in ways it would never have had been if it hadn't happen either. It is such a mixed bag of emotions...

So sorry your wife put you here...

-sammy


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## Dday (Mar 31, 2013)

I would say she is doing everything right the last year. She never once told me to get over it or didn't answer a question that I had. All of her devices and email accounts are open for me to inspect. I went through her purse looking for a burner phone or other evidence right in front of her. I scheduled a lie detector test and canceled it before we went. She never told me to stop or got upset at any of these things. 

Her behavior is almost identical to pre affair or as much as it could be. The issues I am having are with trust and security. I wouldn't say I am unhappy now, there are days or even weeks that have been great but the resentment and pain always come back. 

The kids obviously complicate the issue as I would of left right away if it wasn't for them. They are not the only reason I'm staying but are the reason I stayed at first. I can't imagine not being a part of their everyday lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dday (Mar 31, 2013)

honeysuckle said:


> I would also find it very hard to let my SO touch me sexually knowing they had done the same/similar to another. My thoughts would wander to things like:-
> •did you do this to them?
> •did you enjoy it more with them?
> •were they better than me?
> ...


This was very difficult for the first couple of months but has gotten easier. Can't say it doesn't cross my mind every time but has been less of a distraction. I don't think I will ever get the same kind of "sex" the OM got, that bothers me, but wasn't the reason I fell in love or married my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Dday said:


> I would say she is doing everything right the last year. She never once told me to get over it or didn't answer a question that I had. All of her devices and email accounts are open for me to inspect. I went through her purse looking for a burner phone or other evidence right in front of her. I scheduled a lie detector test and canceled it before we went. She never told me to stop or got upset at any of these things.
> 
> Her behavior is almost identical to pre affair or as much as it could be. The issues I am having are with trust and security. I wouldn't say I am unhappy now, there are days or even weeks that have been great but the resentment and pain always come back.
> 
> ...


What is she doing above. Is she in IC. Is she on the internet looking at how to improve herself and help you.

Has she come on a forum like this, subjected herself to abuse just to maybe find a way to help you.

Pre affair her did not work out, she needs to be better.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Dday said:


> I would say she is doing everything right the last year. She never once told me to get over it or didn't answer a question that I had. All of her devices and email accounts are open for me to inspect. I went through her purse looking for a burner phone or other evidence right in front of her. I scheduled a lie detector test and canceled it before we went. She never told me to stop or got upset at any of these things.
> 
> Her behavior is almost identical to pre affair or as much as it could be. The issues I am having are with trust and security. I wouldn't say I am unhappy now, there are days or even weeks that have been great but the resentment and pain always come back.
> 
> ...


Dday, from what you have said and especially given that she really does seem to be doing the right thing, *there is something eating away at you. *

It may be that it is simply the journey because R is one of the hardest. 

WS and BS made an agreement and gave a promise to each other borne out of love, right? But this is NOT what we agreed to and are we are now stuck in it because of circumstances such as your children in your case. . 

If it is the journey, hopefully you will get better in time and love WS as you once did. 

On the other hand you must consider your options because you have clearly stated that but for your children you would have left. 

If you stay for the children and not for love, it will be a marriage of convenience. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that because we love our children more than ourselves and will do anything to be with them and protect them. 

But if you continue feeling this way is there an option for 50-50 custody? WS owes you that it since it was she who caused all this. I did D and a 50-50 custody when my 3 children were 10, 8 and 3. They are now grown up and have done incredibly well. After a few hiccups we all settled into it. In fact only weeks after we moved, the children told me they preferred it! I was stunned as we never argued in front of them. It was amazing that at such a tender age they picked up the vibes. Sometimes it's healthier for the kids if Mum and Dad live separately. 

That said, why is it that I get the sense that you are not 100% sure she wouldn't do it again. Try NOT monitoring her for a couple of weeks and see how you feel. 

Your gut is telling you something but I'm not sure what that is.


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## Dday (Mar 31, 2013)

********** said:


> Dday, from what you have said and especially given that she really does seem to be doing the right thing, *there is something eating away at you. *
> 
> It may be that it is simply the journey because R is one of the hardest.
> 
> ...


I wish I could relax and not play detective for a few weeks straight. That is what is bothering me most. I can't shut the feeling off that she may do this again and when it happens I want to know right away. 

I'm sure we could arrange 50/50 custody but that's not what I want at this point. Really what I want is no longer possible so I'm not even sure what I want right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

you were hellbent on R before you realized what R is. You never gave yourself another option. You pushed through with R before completely comprehending what her betrayal meant or before giving your wife a chance to think about her actions. You did not even separate even for a little while...

I don't remember all the details but she shamed you for being jealous and insecure for you having concerns about this guy, didn't she ? It wasn't as if D-day was the first day you found out about the affair. She willfully kept lying to you during her affair.

There is another poster called Lmodel. Look him up. His wife had a similar affair. he too posted a thread similar to this. The struggle seems to be similar for affairs like this.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Dday said:


> I wish I could relax and not play detective for a few weeks straight. That is what is bothering me most. I can't shut the feeling off that she may do this again and when it happens I want to know right away.
> 
> I'm sure we could arrange 50/50 custody but that's not what I want at this point. Really what I want is no longer possible so I'm not even sure what I want right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you discuss custody arrangement if you were to divorce ?


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## Dday (Mar 31, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> you were hellbent on R before you realized what R is. You never gave yourself another option. You pushed through with R before completely comprehending what her betrayal meant or before giving your wife a chance to think about her actions. You did not even separate even for a little while...
> 
> I don't remember all the details but she shamed you for being jealous and insecure for you having concerns about this guy, didn't she ? It wasn't as if D-day was the first day you found out about the affair. She willfully kept lying to you during her affair.
> 
> There is another poster called Lmodel. Look him up. His wife had a similar affair. he too posted a thread similar to this. The struggle seems to be similar for affairs like this.


The first part of your post is 100% correct. I realized after 2 days I wanted to R and try to save our "family" which she tried to destroy. 

She never shamed me after I found out. When I had evidence of the first affair she lied successfully about that but I had serious doubts. I think that affair ended because I found evidence and he wasnt all that into it after he got what he wanted. The 2nd affair started about 6 months later and I got the complete truth within 48 hours of finding out and as far as I know everything ended. 

You are right I never had an idea how tough this was going to be and I'm not sure what the best way is to handle it. A part of me is saying it is impossible and I'm just wasting time. Another part is telling me that I'm doing the right thing keeping my family together and giving her a 2nd chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Dday said:


> Her behavior is almost identical to pre affair or as much as it could be.


I'm not suggesting that remorseful spouses are going to be perfect. They're not.

But, unless your wife was a perfect angel prior to this happening; shouldn't you be expecting a bit more than "identical to how she was"? 

Can you look her in the eyes and know that she loves you and is truly sorry for what she did? If so, I would think that would likely be an improvement over how she was.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear Dday,

A few observations:



Dday said:


> In just over 1 week it will have been 1 year since the worse night and days of my life. *I find myself triggering more often now and feeling resentful again for what she did. [This is typical. It's going to take a lot more than a year for you to put this (mostly) behind you.]*
> 
> *The worse part of all of this is how, looking back, she was able to carry out these affairs almost effortlessly, with precision and premeditated actions. [She was a cold, calcuating person. Do you see any signs that this has changed?]*
> 
> ...





Dday said:


> *I would say she is doing everything right the last year. [See the comments above.]* *She never once told me to get over it or didn't answer a question that I had. All of her devices and email accounts are open for me to inspect. I went through her purse looking for a burner phone or other evidence right in front of her. I scheduled a lie detector test and canceled it before we went. She never told me to stop or got upset at any of these things. [She should be doing a lot more than this. She should be telling you daily how much she loves you, apologizing every time you bring things up or tell her you are hurting and generally trying her best to make you happy. If she isn't, then it's obvious why you are not happy.]*
> 
> *Her behavior is almost identical to pre affair or as much as it could be. [As mentioned above, she should be a better wife now than she was before.]* The issues I am having are with trust and security. I wouldn't say I am unhappy now, there are days or even weeks that have been great but the resentment and pain always come back.
> 
> The kids obviously complicate the issue as I would of left right away if it wasn't for them. They are not the only reason I'm staying but are the reason I stayed at first. I can't imagine not being a part of their everyday lives.





Dday said:


> The first part of your post is 100% correct. I realized after 2 days I wanted to R and try to save our "family" which she tried to destroy.
> 
> She never shamed me after I found out. When I had evidence of the first affair she lied successfully about that but I had serious doubts. I think that affair ended because I found evidence and he wasnt all that into it after he got what he wanted. The 2nd affair started about 6 months later and I got the complete truth within 48 hours of finding out and as far as I know everything ended.
> 
> *You are right I never had an idea how tough this was going to be and I'm not sure what the best way is to handle it. A part of me is saying it is impossible and I'm just wasting time. Another part is telling me that I'm doing the right thing keeping my family together and giving her a 2nd chance. [It sounds to me like you are not really "handling" it. You're simply settling for what she gives you, monitoring her closely so that she doesn't cheat again and hoping you can ride things out until your feelings change. The problem is, if this assessment is correct, they probably never will change.]*


In your first thread, you said:



> "I didn't want to stay just for the kids. I do love her and the person she was and I think she can be. I hope this makes us stronger but I wish it never happened. I know it won't go away and will be in my mind for the rest of my life. We talked about that and she is worried that she will never make me how happy I deserve to be. I told her it is her job to try."


Maybe It's time for you to consider whether you still think she can be the person you want her to be and if she is really doing everything she can to make you happy. I sense that, if you are honest with yourself, the answer to both questions will be "no." If that's the case, then you have to decide if you are ready to spend the rest of your life with a woman who has so disappointed and hurt you for the sake of your kids.

I remember your first thread. You were slow to see the truth about your WW, resisted the advice you received and were quick to decide to reconcile. My guess is that, as a result, she never really felt remorse or thought she had to do all that much to keep you around and that this is a big part of the reason you feel the way you do today.

If there's any truth to what I'm saying, it's not too late to do something about it.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Take it from a man who went through this 3x prior to getting divorced.. Its hard and takes time. Slowly what will happen is you will be able to internalize the triggers.. 

What I mean by that is you know whats going on and you will be able to swallow the emotions because you know its just the crazy side of you.

Remember that MC is forever.. Even if it is every 3 months for maintenance, but you need to keep going.. What it affords you is someone your wife might open up to incase she is looking to do the same down the road.. Again take it from me we didn't do that. I feel if we did I would have gotten a phone call that I needed to come into MC ASAP.

Again having gone through this and a divorce. I can tell you with a clear head today that your marriage is worth fighting for. But it is the job of the cheater to do the fighting.. Look I wasn't a perfect man. But I never cheated on my wife regardless of her transgressions and I never did anything abusive to her. I told her I loved her everyday. I groped her like I was a teenager.. I told my wife she turned me on everyday.. She sat on my lap at parties.. We kissed in public. Many where surprised. 

But you can't force her if she really doesn't want it. 

Again let me make you understand. I have my 2 boys with me. I pay her no child support. She pays me none( but will soon enough). I have my full pension plus other monies and my home. The only thing she walked away with is 55k. I think she is 15k in debt after leaving even though I took over the 300k in debt we had. Go figure.

Today I date a woman who is 9 years younger then my Ex. Makes about 100 more then her and almost as much as I do.. 

With all of that being said I still have my ups and downs. If my wife didn't end this marriage the way she did I would have taken her back if she wanted to come back. But my pride today will never let me do that.. I just can't.. She showed me how evil of a person she could be for the sake of just being evil..

I agree with try a new MC.. I really thought my first MC was great but then found another and can see the difference..

As a side note regardless I would keep everything in the same thread.. OR have your original thread in your signature so someone can find it easily if they need to backtrack.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

sammy3 said:


> The reality is, *infidelity changes the marriage. It changes each other,* which then changes how we relate to each other.
> 
> *They are a new person we are facing.* Only we, the bs can decide if they can live with this new person...
> 
> ...


DDay,

News...

You will never be the same person ever again. Your level of trust with others, anyone, will always be in question. Infidelity in marriage is something that really can't be *understood* by the casual observer. 

I'm 4+ years out in R, still haunted, still trying to deal, still coping Day by Day. No magic bullet here. But...

Life goes on, with or without you. 

Good Luck.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Dday,

It is not impossible. All relationships can be fixed, just not the way you are going about it.

As hard and it is, you have to be committed. You WW has to be in 110%. There is no other way.


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## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

Hi there, I posted a message today...2 years after DDay and counting...I feel almost the same as you. My H had multiple affairs, for years....I knew something wasn't right, but I couldn't fathom what he was doing, so I trusted him and he took advantage of that trust. He stopped the behavior 7 months prior to me finding out quite by chance (he left his email account open by mistake of course). And I can say that he changed, he apologized, he acknowledged...and he has done more for our marriage in these last 2 years than the previous 10...but today, I realized that maybe, I just don't feel the same about him, no matter how hard he tries. Love is tough...but also fragile. I don't know but very slowly I started realizing that his betrayal broke my heart in so many many little pieces that perhaps, I can't ever put it back together. I have flashbacks, I blame myself for putting myself in this situation, for not being alert, for enabling him with my blind trust...I don't blame myself for his need of other women, that I definitely don't blame myself for. But for allowing him to lie, cheat and betray me, yes, I blame myself for that. For treating me and the kids like we were beneath him, for all his put downs, and emotional withdrawal...for his always imposing sense of superiority...for allowing that, I do blame myself. Sometimes I feel I will never forgive him...HOW can I forgive him for being the way he is? He made choices because he could make them....because he didn't have integrity, a moral compass....because he felt no remorse but a lot of entitlement...How can I forgive him for being like that? For being born like that? I can maybe learn to live with this but I don't know....now he is the picture of integrity...the "almost" perfect husband, father....no secrets, super romantic, nice, loving...he is doing the opposite of what he did for all those years....and I don't even know if it's for real...maybe this is another outlet for him, to probe he can be perfect in every way....I just dont' know anymore. When you are confronted with the fact that you didn't see the other person's faults, even though they were right in front of you....something gets lost in our own sense of self I think. Could I ever trust anyone again? I don't think so. If my marriage were to end up in Divorce...I would never ever want to be with another man...I wouldn't have a heart to give, love to share....I'll focus on other things, my kids, work, life...but not the love of another man...it just hurts to even think about it.

Be patient, maybe you both need to go to more therapy...please don't give up, talk to her and see if she would go...I'm sure it would help you both....
Good luck!


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## Mustbecrazy (Jul 10, 2013)

I'm so very sorry that you are having to go through this. Although you appear to have rug swept the the first affair, you made her feel the wrath of God the second time. She knows that one more time will end the marriage, or she should know this. Did you VR the car?

What do you mean you're in another rut?

Did your wife change jobs/ditch her best friend? Would you feel better if she did? Has she been completely NC? Is she still paranoid when you go out?

I second that you need additional MC, this time with someone experienced in handling affairs. Was your prior counselor male or female? Divorced?

I think one of the things that's bothering you is the fear that she will never be as into you as she was into the OM. Has she done anything to change that fear? How's your fitness routine going? Other progress toward making yourself irresistible?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

********** said:


> Dday, from what you have said and especially given that she really does seem to be doing the right thing, *there is something eating away at you. *
> 
> It may be that it is simply the journey because R is one of the hardest.
> 
> ...



Such wise words! 

~sammy


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Dday said:


> I wish I could relax and not play detective for a few weeks straight. That is what is bothering me most. I can't shut the feeling off that she may do this again and when it happens I want to know right away.
> 
> I'm sure we could arrange 50/50 custody but that's not what I want at this point. Really what I want is no longer possible so I'm not even sure what I want right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I totally understand Dday. 
You articulated so well what I myself remember feeling. I think I treaded water for a very long time and kept up the snooping too - verifiable truth. 
So I guess, one day at a time for now is probably more than enough.


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## to much drama (Feb 10, 2015)

Good evening, how are you holding up? I went through what your going through back in 1999. I found out and then I divorced. 
I have 3 kids, they were 7, 12 and 14 at that time- 2 girls and 1 boy.

You get married to someone for being your best friend, for the respect, for the great communication, for the love. If there are none, or even one out of the that lil group then you do not have a marriage.

She does not care or respect you what - so - ever. going to a bar then to a guys house, and you wonder why you are the way you are right now? Even with one affair is bad enough, but two? and she still does this to you?
You are going to drive yourself crazy wondering and fearing and she is making it worse for you and for the kids. 

You need to get a divorce. And think about your kids while doing so. Your wife does not care about you or the kids, she has no respect for you or the kids. she got caught, she made a mistake, she is sorry she will do anything and everything to make up for what stupid thing she did. But she has not done this. she cheated again and now goes to bars late at night, then goes to a guys house. turns off the cell. 

Ask her to leave, she what she says. and mean it!! You can not live like this for yourself and for your kids. All that you are doing now is consuming your time and thoughts worrying, thinking what is she doing. It is not good.
Like i said, I divorced back in 1999, i have never talked to her, let alone seen her since.

You just can't keep doing this to yourself, and you can't let her do this to you anymore. She is walking all over you. If she was truly sorry, and really loved you, she would be by your side trying to make you feel whole again.
You will never love her like you first did. You will never make love to her like you first did. And she does not care.

Has she ever told you why she is still doing this to you?
Why she cheated the first time and then the second time?
Why was she at a guys house after the bar? and she was talking to him pior to being at his house? do you know this guy?
And your suppose to be ok with this? and this will not screw you up even more? give you more thoughts? more anger?

This does hurt the kids, they know what goes on with you and her.

Just ask her to leave, tell her you will file, you stay where you are with the kids and she can do the 50/50 visit thing. 
she is the one who left the marriage and the kids.

Does it hurt, hell yes. Is it scary, hell yes. She is not taking any of this seriously enough. She wants to be single and just have fun.

CR


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Dday

I just passed my d-day (1/20/14). It was hell all over again. I was flooded by feelings and emotions some even dating back to d-day itself. I had gotten anxious and feared the day coming up. I wondered if I would find anything new, is my WW going to leave, no confidence, hopelessness, depressed, and scared this would happen again. We are trying to R which I have found to be more difficult then anticipated. My MC asked me a question, are you afraid of being happy again? I have found that to a certain extent I am afraid. I'm afraid WW will say, he is doing better, and have an affair again. I'm afraid my WW will not work as hard if she knows I'm better. It's how I feel but the feelings aren't true. Feelings come and go all day long, they are not permanent. Feelings are actually fleeting and replaced by another feeling.

Time is needed, remember it will take two to five years to recover. After my d-day passed I began to settle down. You will get through this. Hell, I did and I tend to dwell on things for a long time. I am still fearful that my WW will cheat again, but not because of what she is doing now, but rather because I know she is capable. My WW may cheat again and she may not, there are no guarantees. Even if I divorced her who is to say the next person won't cheat? I wouldn't get a guarantee here either. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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