# Made the mistake of sleeping with my ex...



## Tulanian

My ex and I filed separation papers in June of 2013. Because we have minor kids, we had to wait a year before we could get the judgment of divorce. When we split, we hadn't had sex in over two years. When I approached her she always rejected me outright, even going so far as to tell me to go hire a prostitute.

Last June, out of the blue one night, she asked me if I would sleep with her. After three years away, of course I said yes. At the time I thought the sex was good, as good as it had been in the past (we started out very sexually compatible). I made sure she came several times, as I always had. Well, as I thought I had.

The next day, she told me that she'd slept with another guy after the separation.

The day after that she told me she was filing the final divorce papers.

Now she's back seeing that same guy, or at least having sex with him without calling it dating.

I came away from the whole thing feeling not only the rejection of the original dry spell but also that the return sex must have been the worst ever. Otherwise why the final divorce two days later? The fact that she's back sleeping with someone that she was with in between our being together makes it feel like she tried me out one last time and liked the new stuff better (this after we were together for 19 years).

I haven't touched anyone since. I can't even easily spend...alone time...without thinking of her and her new guy and how much better she must like it with him. Ultimate mood killer.

Basically, it's got me all ****ed up in the head.


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## jorgegene

it is all ****ed up in the head, although i think you're reading too much into it.

you are putting 1 and 6 and 23 and 14 together and saying it must = 100 with the gaps filled in between.

i know. if i was in the same exact situation, i might probably think the same way.
i spent un-needed time thinking about my ex and having sex with her alcoholic bum friend.
i asked her "was it good?" and she answered "it was ok" very quietly.
that tortured me, wondering if maybe it wasn't a lot better.

but you know what? looking back after some 6 years, i bet it wasn't good at all.


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## Middle of Everything

Feel sorry for you. Truly

You apparently were married to one cruel cold heartless b!tch.

All I can suggest is some IC. Gonna take time to get over her mind job on you.


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## McDean

Sorry you're having to deal with this Tulanian - but IC and 180 and moving on in general is called for here, you wife sounds like she has as much depth as a rain puddle....I would flip the script in your head and tell yourself you got to have sex with someone you will never have to commit to and now you can go have it with someone else as well....adolescent yes but whatever works until some of the damage minimizes.....also, focus your thoughts and efforts on your children, assume they know something is wrong and are watching your every move, mood and action - take care of yourself and your kids first and foremost!


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## Lostinthought61

Tulanian,

I hate to say this but your right she was messing with your head, i suspect she did this on purpose to do just that.....what she did was a scum bag move and it will come back to haunt her later but for now you just need to shake this off and come to realize that this is not the woman you married but a shell of one....sorry about that...and trust us you aren't the first nor the last it has happen too.


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## EnjoliWoman

I doubt it had anything to do with your performance. My best guess is she wanted a goodbye roll in the hay. One last time. That is all.


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## Ynot

Tulanian,
First off she probably only asked you to sleep with her because she was horny. Who knows tha other guy was out of town, unavailable or maybe they were "broke up" at the time. Regardless that is the first thing to consider. That is on her
Second off, you thought you had gotten her off twice? Was that because she acted like she had gotten off? If so that is her problem not yours. You tried and thought you had succeeded given her responses. If she was faking it that is on her or her lying about not cumming is also on her. 
Thirdly, from your time line she was already out the door anyways. So her instigating sex was on her as well.
Fourth, stop obsessing over her. And trying to draw all sorts of conclusions from a bunch of assumptions. 
She probably was messing with your head, I don't know why, but chalk it up to just that. Do not give her the power to screw with your mind anymore. Focus on your self instead and become the captain of your own ship. Toss her overboard.


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## SecondTime'Round

I doubt it's true that it was the worst sex she's ever had and that he's better than you, BUT anyone would probably feel the same way so that totally sucks . Don't let her draw you into this sick game again!


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## ConanHub

She's a slvt. No real.need to examine a slvt's motivations any more than she is what she is.

Get checked for STDs. She is a penis hopper and no telling what she might have contracted.

Sorry, but be happy she is gone and never look her way again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031

Don't feel bad. I contacted my EX via email the last week of August after 5 years of no contact.

He actually answered and set up a day for us to see each other. We spent a wonderful weekend together. The sex was mind blowing. He acted as if we had never parted. Weekend ends and I come back home (I now live 6 hours away from him).

I called him to let him know I had arrived well. He said we had a wonderful weekend together. Next morning I sent him an email stating how much I loved him and I didn't want yo bury my feelings for him anymore. 

He sent me an email requesting I answer his ultimatum of pretty much being his booty call/*****/fok buddy/ you catch my drift.

I was sooooo hurt because I realized he was being vengeful because he feels exactly how I felt when we parted. He used me and I thought we were on our way to starting something new with no ugliness between us.

I am to blame because I allowed resentment and pride to poison my heart towards him. I was so pissed off I filed for divorce unknown to me how much I deeply loved him 6 years ago. 

I had a wonderful weekend and I went there open and fully vulnerable, his intentions were very different.

Oh well, I will get up and dust off and keep working on me knowing that I got my just desserts for what I did 6 years ago.


C'est la vi...

Bibi


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## Marduk

Sure, she wanted a good time maybe. 

What I'd be thinking is that she was unsure of mr new guy vs mr old guy and wanted to do some comparison shopping sex-wise.

Sounds like she didn't pick you, again.

Which sucks and hurts and totally bites and puts a reset on your healing.

So don't do it again. She ain't gonna pick you buddy. Go find someone that will make you her #1 and shake her head at your ex.

That's why ex's stay ex's.


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## Bibi1031

marduk said:


> That's why ex's stay ex's.


I so wish that not to be true, but I'm afraid you're right.


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## Tulanian

Thanks for the kind words, guys. I'm doing IC and GC, and as for the 180 lately I'm trying to follow a policy where every time she pisses me off instead of sitting on my couch, drinking, playing games, and moping, I go work out. With her level of efficiency, I should lose this 100lbs in three weeks, four tops. 

What made it difficult, besides the rejection and the fear of comparison (ladies, do you even have that fear of comparison that so many of us men seem to have?) was the fact that it reminded me so much of what I'd been missing, the closeness I'd been asking for. I laughed and cried at the same time. I'd been with two other women since the split, just people I met through online dating where things didn't work out beyond the first few dates. Being with my ex reminded me that I didn't want to be with anyone else like that, and hadn't since 1994. That's a big part of why I haven't pursued anyone else with much enthusiasm. At the end of the day, sex with someone you barely know seldom compares to sex with a person you love entirely, warts and all.

Part of me wants to go on an epic journey to try to catch up on all the casual sex I missed for 20 years. The rational part knows that's silly, dangerous, and unsatisfying. I'd be trying to screw her memory right out of my head, but I'd know I was doing it so it wouldn't work anyway.


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## Bibi1031

Tulanian said:


> What made it difficult was the fact that it reminded me so much of what I'd been missing, the closeness I'd been asking for. I laughed and cried at the same time. I'd been with two other women since the split, just people I met through online dating where things didn't work out beyond the first few dates. Being with my ex reminded me that I didn't want to be with anyone else like that, and hadn't since 1994. That's a big part of why I haven't pursued anyone else with much enthusiasm. At the end of the day, sex with someone you barely know seldom compares to sex with a person you love entirely, warts and all.


I'm with you on all this you posted. That weekend with my XH brought out the most pure of emotions in me. I know deep down in all those layers of resentment and anger the man loves me just as deeply as I love him, but sorting through that muck needs a lot of introspection.

I have changed through lives hard lessons these 6 years without him. I don't feel resentment or anger for what he did to me. I love the man and I will cherish that weekend for the purity of my love for him and for feeling as happy as only he can make me feel when we make love.

I wish him no harm but healing. Who knows maybe God unburied something in him when we made love and we will end up with something really great.

I still have hope...hopefully it's not "false hope":surprise:


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## SecondTime'Round

Tulanian said:


> Part of me wants to go on an epic journey to try to catch up on all the casual sex I missed for 20 years. The rational part knows that's silly, dangerous, and unsatisfying. I'd be trying to screw her memory right out of my head, but I'd know I was doing it so it wouldn't work anyway.


Don't do it. You'll regret it.


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## ConanHub

SecondTime'Round said:


> Don't do it. You'll regret it.


Definitely agree. Work on yourself and meet a good woman to build a satisfying relationship with.

Way better for your children too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

Your ex was just messing with you.

She was never thinking if you could give multiple orgasms, she would toss OM out.

Just be a good dad. Whatever you do don't act like you got a beat down. That will just fuel her ego.

Hit the gym. Invite women to coffee to just chat before trying to get in their pants.
@bibi, sorry for the hurt. You were separated a long time so no wonder he is confused. It is possible to sex and love bomb him but you have to take the commitment aspect slowly. The risk being hurt is much greater for you than him.

You know what foods he likes. That's an additional advantage.

Do you have children? Why don't you start your own thread?


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## Tulanian

SecondTime'Round said:


> Don't do it. You'll regret it.


Don't worry there's almost no chance of me doing it. Not for moral reasons, but because I'm the guy who didn't have sex in high school because condoms are 98% effective and I was sure my dumb ass would be the 2%. Since then I had a close friend die of HIV that we know was from him being extremely promiscuous. I'm way too risk averse for that.



LongWalk said:


> Your ex was just messing with you.
> 
> She was never thinking if you could give multiple orgasms, she would toss OM out.
> 
> Just be a good dad. Whatever you do don't act like you got a beat down. That will just fuel her ego.
> 
> Hit the gym. Invite women to coffee to just chat before trying to get in their pants.


That's what I've been focusing on, just trying to meet people casually and see if there's anyone I can get to know. Haven't been pursuing OLD lately with any intention of going bunny-hopping. Not that I'd necessarily turn it down...


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## Bibi1031

LongWalk said:


> @bibi, sorry for the hurt. You were separated a long time so no wonder he is confused. It is possible to sex and love bomb him but you have to take the commitment aspect slowly. The risk being hurt is much greater for you than him.
> 
> You know what foods he likes. That's an additional advantage.
> 
> Do you have children? Why don't you start your own thread?



Sorry I hijacked the thread T.

No kids together. 

I can't contact him because his ultimatum was final. Either I accepted being his booty call or I didn't. Of course I didn't.

Haven't heard from him since. His too proud to contact and he feels entitled is my guess. I guess our parting really hurt him, but I tried winning him back the first year we separated after I filed. I always was received by a brick wall and that hurt so I stopped contact for 5 years.


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## LongWalk

Being a booty call is not good. Still, if in your own mind you are not just having sex but communicating with him on his terms, you may find you can break through the wall. Don't forget you have probably been labeled "psycho she dog", etc. You can't undo that over a weekend.

Getting back together with exes is by definition complicated. But there can be positive things that can reconnect a couple.

Asking a man to define the possible future of a sexual relationship will often cause them to run away.


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## Wolf1974

SecondTime'Round said:


> Don't do it. You'll regret it.


I will second that. Because I did do this and I do regret all of it


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## Bibi1031

LongWalk said:


> Asking a man to define the possible future of a sexual relationship will often cause them to run away.


LongWalk,

I didn't ask him to define anything but I will post my own story so that I will not hijack this thread any further.

Truly sorry T.


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## Marduk

A couple things. 

Your 180 is dead. You ****ed her and she dumped you again. 

So you need to start over. And do it right this time. 

Secondly, I did this man-***** journey. In spades. Slept with multiple women many weekends, had a threesome, all kinds of stuff. 

It lasted about 6-9 months. And left me kinda empty and sad and quite frankly I thought the human race was ****ed - I mean, I could not believe the stuff women would let me get away with and fall for, and I couldn't believe that I was being this way.

I was never dishonest or anything, I just kinda ended up meh about women and relationships in general. So I stopped dating. Went dark on all the women I was chasing, ignored my phone, and just hung with my buddies, read books, and trained hard. 

A week or two later a buddy introduced me to my wife. And everything changed. 

There's nothing wrong with dating around to clear your head. It was actually cathartic for me to realize that women wanted me - my ex wife did a number on my confidence. 

Just play safe, be honest, and be true to yourself about what you're trying to achieve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tulanian

marduk said:


> There's nothing wrong with dating around to clear your head. It was actually cathartic for me to realize that women wanted me - my ex wife did a number on my confidence.
> 
> Just play safe, be honest, and be true to yourself about what you're trying to achieve.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I suppose the biggest hurdle is coming up with something to try to achieve. Right now, I'm still trapped in wanting things that are entirely impossible, like the ability to redo the last seven years of my life.


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## Marduk

Tulanian said:


> I suppose the biggest hurdle is coming up with something to try to achieve. Right now, I'm still trapped in wanting things that are entirely impossible, like the ability to redo the last seven years of my life.


Let go of the last seven years.

Think about what you've gained by letting go of your ex.

How much BS do you no longer have to take? How much freedom do you have?

There's a giant world out there. You have the opportunity of a do-over. Sally forth, my good man. 

Be the man you wanted to be but couldn't to stay in your marriage.


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## Pluto2

And your other thread, and the issue with your son?


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## Tulanian

Pluto2 said:


> And your other thread, and the issue with your son?


Shouldn't have brought it up. Deleted.


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## Tulanian

marduk said:


> Think about what you've gained by letting go of your ex.
> 
> How much BS do you no longer have to take? How much freedom do you have?
> 
> Be the man you wanted to be but couldn't to stay in your marriage.


This is one of the aspects of post-divorce life that gets to me. I understand the need to let go of things and to move forward. But looking at the divorce as a positive life step? I can't do that. It's not a positive. It's something I spent years fighting to prevent, and failed.

As for being the man I _wanted_ to be, that man was married and still had an intact family. I had to let him die and go try to become some other man. But it will _never_ be who I wanted to be. That's all gone.


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## Marduk

Tulanian said:


> This is one of the aspects of post-divorce life that gets to me. I understand the need to let go of things and to move forward. But looking at the divorce as a positive life step? I can't do that. It's not a positive. It's something I spent years fighting to prevent, and failed.
> 
> As for being the man I _wanted_ to be, that man was married and still had an intact family. I had to let him die and go try to become some other man. But it will _never_ be who I wanted to be. That's all gone.


It's not inherently positive or negative. 

What it is, is transformational. 

You will be transformed by this pain. If you hold onto the guy you were in your marriage, you run the risk of becoming bitter, cynical, jaded, and lonely. But you get to try to hang onto that guy you were, even though he's actually dead. 

Or you can morn that guy, morn the relationship, bury it and let him go. Which sucks, but then you open yourself to joy, hope, fun, and excitement. 

There is a big wide world out there. It's up to you if you choose to use this to go out into it and find that good stuff... Or hide away from it because you want what you had but is no more. 

Transformation is ultimately up to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tulanian

marduk said:


> It's not inherently positive or negative.
> 
> What it is, is transformational.
> 
> You will be transformed by this pain. If you hold onto the guy you were in your marriage, you run the risk of becoming bitter, cynical, jaded, and lonely. But you get to try to hang onto that guy you were, even though he's actually dead.
> 
> Or you can morn that guy, morn the relationship, bury it and let him go. Which sucks, but then you open yourself to joy, hope, fun, and excitement.
> 
> There is a big wide world out there. It's up to you if you choose to use this to go out into it and find that good stuff... Or hide away from it because you want what you had but is no more.
> 
> Transformation is ultimately up to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


On the best days, that's how I approach this whole situation. Transformation, not immolation. How often I have a "best" day seems to vary widely.


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## Ynot

Marduk is correct. Right now you are transitioning and there is a boatload of pain involved in the transition. Some people, especially those in the initial phases of this transformation find it an overall negative experience due to the tremendous pain and suffering that accompanies the divorce. However, if you make the effort you will find that in time it can truly transform you into a much better, a much healthier and much happier person. hence for many people it becomes a positive experience. They discover new things about themselves. They grow, they learn. they find deeper more satisfying relationships. Unfortunately others choose to wallow in the pain and hurt and spend the rest of their days angry and bitter while pining away for something they will never get back, while the rest of their life just rots away.


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## Tulanian

Ynot said:


> Some people, especially those in the initial phases of this transformation find it an overall negative experience due to the tremendous pain and suffering that accompanies the divorce. However, if you make the effort you will find that in time it can truly transform you into a much better, a much healthier and much happier person.


Well, she certainly seems to be healthier and happier since we split. Even started working out and lost seventy pounds. 

All she had to do was ditch me, and Shangri-la was open...


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## Ynot

Tulanian said:


> Well, she certainly seems to be healthier and happier since we split. Even started working out and lost seventy pounds.
> 
> All she had to do was ditch me, and Shangri-la was open...


Ok. now ask your self how you being miserable and depressed and angry and bitter is going to change anything she thinks or feels? Then ask yourself how you getting right in your head, moving forward, becoming happy, healthy and whole is going to change her thinking?
The answer is neither of them will. So you are left with the choice YOU want to pursue bitter and angry or happy and healthy. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it really shouldn't be a discussion.


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## Pluto2

Tulanian said:


> Shouldn't have brought it up. Deleted.


Then this entire thread is a farse. Be in denial to your heart's content.


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## Tulanian

Pluto2 said:


> Then this entire thread is a farse. Be in denial to your heart's content.


An odd answer, given that two different topics were under discussion. As for why I deleted the other thread, I should have taken into consideration how little anyone here knows about me. Without knowing any of my positives, or my history as a father for the last seventeen years, anyone reading that thread would likely believe, not without reason, that I am some sort of monster. What I did was horrible, without question, but I am not a horrible person as a whole. I shouldn't have introduced the topic without a LOT more context having been established.

I would submit, respectfully that there is a difference between being in denial and having a difficult time making a major life transition. I know very well that the relationship is over, that life is gone, and I need to rebuild. No denial there. But I AM having a hard time figuring out how to make the necessary transition. Based upon some of the comments here, it seems that I'm not moving quickly enough according to some people's time lines. That's okay, reasonable minds can differ. I can only move as quickly as I can figure things out.


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## Pluto2

You won't move forward at all if you don't deal with all your issues, even the ones you find difficult to discuss, that's my only point. I wish you well.


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## Tulanian

Pluto2 said:


> You won't move forward at all if you don't deal with all your issues, even the ones you find difficult to discuss, that's my only point. I wish you well.


Believe me, when it comes to my son, dealing with the issue is my first priority. Things with HIM have been fine, just not so much with my ex.


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## Bibi1031

Tulanian said:


> This is one of the aspects of post-divorce life that gets to me. I understand the need to let go of things and to move forward. But looking at the divorce as a positive life step? I can't do that. It's not a positive. It's something I spent years fighting to prevent, and failed.
> 
> As for being the man I _wanted_ to be, that man was married and still had an intact family. I had to let him die and go try to become some other man. But it will _never_ be who I wanted to be. That's all gone.


I'm in your same boat 

Marduk is spot on when he says that we focked up when we slept with our Xs and must restart 180 a new.

When we slept with our spouses everything we had accomplished by burying it and not really killing it came up to the surface with a vengeance. 

The old you came out and you became the happily in love married man that loves his wife.

Until we no longer feel that way towards our Xs, we cannot afford to let them hurt us the way we allowed them to do it. Then again, if we don't see them the way we did when we slept with them, we would most certainly not engage with them at all....sigh

We fell and got burned and got third degree emotional burns to prove it.

This $hit is freaking hard. 

((((Hugs)))))'

Bibi


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## Tulanian

In my case, I don't think it would have mattered nearly as much if she hadn't rejected me in bed for two years prior to the split. By the time we slept together, it had been nearly three years. It was too much like returning to better days. It made me feel, just for those moments, like I wasn't as repulsive to her as she had said. To have her finalize the divorce immediately afterwards proved just how stupid I was. 

I suppose the "good" news is that I don't ever want to touch her again. I know she's been with someone else since the split (I was her first and only for 20 years), and I just can't avoid thinking of the inevitable comparison. I absolutely know that I shouldn't have any possessive feelings towards her anymore, that I don't have the right and it wouldn't be good for me even if I DID have the right. Yet those feelings keep popping up, even though I would very much prefer NOT to have them.

Ironically, she seems kind of pissed that I slept with other women immediately after the split, which is an odd reaction considering that she'd turned me down for so long. Clearly I wasn't giving away something SHE wanted. Since she knew when we first went out that I'd slept with other women before her, I can't imagine the fear of comparison is an issue for her. If it was, it would've been there from the start.


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## Bibi1031

Tulanian said:


> Ironically, she seems kind of pissed that I slept with other women immediately after the split, which is an odd reaction considering that she'd turned me down for so long. Clearly I wasn't giving away something SHE wanted. Since she knew when we first went out that I'd slept with other women before her, I can't imagine the fear of comparison is an issue for her. If it was, it would've been there from the start.


Well that's because she's throwing a temper tantrum because her old toy is liked by and played and enjoyed by someone else and she wants it back. Not because she likes it mind you, just because it's hers and she wants it to stay at the bottom of the toy trunk where she left it. 

Bibi


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## Marduk

Tulanian said:


> Well, she certainly seems to be healthier and happier since we split. Even started working out and lost seventy pounds.
> 
> All she had to do was ditch me, and Shangri-la was open...


I call this the divorce law of negative entropy.

Meaning, each side usually has it better off -- according to the opposite side.

If she lost seventy pounds, good on her. Think about where her self esteem was, and how fragile it is now.

Think about how pathetic it really is to wait until after your divorced to improve yourself.

And then stop thinking about her at all, man.


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## Marduk

Tulanian said:


> In my case, I don't think it would have mattered nearly as much if she hadn't rejected me in bed for two years prior to the split. By the time we slept together, it had been nearly three years. It was too much like returning to better days. It made me feel, just for those moments, like I wasn't as repulsive to her as she had said. To have her finalize the divorce immediately afterwards proved just how stupid I was.
> 
> I suppose the "good" news is that I don't ever want to touch her again. I know she's been with someone else since the split (I was her first and only for 20 years), and I just can't avoid thinking of the inevitable comparison. I absolutely know that I shouldn't have any possessive feelings towards her anymore, that I don't have the right and it wouldn't be good for me even if I DID have the right. Yet those feelings keep popping up, even though I would very much prefer NOT to have them.
> 
> Ironically, she seems kind of pissed that I slept with other women immediately after the split, which is an odd reaction considering that she'd turned me down for so long. Clearly I wasn't giving away something SHE wanted. Since she knew when we first went out that I'd slept with other women before her, I can't imagine the fear of comparison is an issue for her. If it was, it would've been there from the start.


Meh. My ex did it too. Tried to shame me for sleeping around after we split... when she dumped me, and had been cheating on me.

Whatevs.

I filed it under "didn't like it that I wasn't crushed by her leaving" and moved on.


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## Tulanian

marduk said:


> I call this the divorce law of negative entropy.
> 
> Meaning, each side usually has it better off -- according to the opposite side.
> 
> If she lost seventy pounds, good on her. Think about where her self esteem was, and how fragile it is now.
> 
> Think about how pathetic it really is to wait until after your divorced to improve yourself.
> 
> And then stop thinking about her at all, man.


I'd REALLY love to figure out how not to think about her at all. But we're raising four kids together, so it's kind of impossible not to think of her. They all look a lot like her, and some act like her. She's there when she's not.

As for it being pathetic to wait until divorce to improve, I didn't start treating my sleep apnea until after we split and I'm STILL trying to get the motivation to stay on a workout routine. Much as I'd rather it not be so, the selfish jerk in me is pissed that I got the way-overweight version of her for all of those years and now someone else will get the thinner, healthier version. It's stupid and childish, but it's there.


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## Marduk

Tulanian said:


> I'd REALLY love to figure out how not to think about her at all. But we're raising four kids together, so it's kind of impossible not to think of her. They all look a lot like her, and some act like her. She's there when she's not.


OK, so she's your babies' mommy.



> As for it being pathetic to wait until divorce to improve, I didn't start treating my sleep apnea until after we split and I'm STILL trying to get the motivation to stay on a workout routine. Much as I'd rather it not be so, the selfish jerk in me is pissed that I got the way-overweight version of her for all of those years and now someone else will get the thinner, healthier version. It's stupid and childish, but it's there.


Yup.

When you're ready, start that routine. Diet and sleep is super important. In the meantime, try to stay active and eat healthy. 

I'm happy to post some diet & exercise tips.

One foot in front of the other. Day by day.


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## Rowan

Tulanian said:


> Much as I'd rather it not be so, the selfish jerk in me is pissed that I got the way-overweight version of her for all of those years and now someone else will get the thinner, healthier version.


Does she get to be pissed that she got the angry, grumpy, 100-pounds overweight version of you for all those years and now someone else will (hopefully) get the slimmer, healthier version? Neither of you sound like you were healthy or happy during your marriage. That she's found ways to work on herself faster than you have is not some nefarious plot to keep you down. You're painting yourself the victim in a situation that isn't about you. It's a little narcissistic, frankly, to still be imagining that anything and everything your ex-wife does is all about you. 

Why don't you stop directing your anger and resentment at your ex-wife and use it instead to fuel healing, stability, and better emotional, mental and physical health for yourself?


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## Tulanian

Rowan said:


> Does she get to be pissed that she got the angry, grumpy, 100-pounds overweight version of you for all those years and now someone else will (hopefully) get the slimmer, healthier version?


Yes she does, keeping in mind that I know I'm being a jackass to feel pissed about it. 



Rowan said:


> You're painting yourself the victim in a situation that isn't about you. It's a little narcissistic, frankly, to still be imagining that anything and everything your ex-wife does is all about you.


Sadly true. Big item on my "to-do" list is to stop being so self-centered about this. I'm sure that's not apparent from my posts, which have mostly been me venting. My opinion of the whole situation is more nuanced than I've been conveying. 



Rowan said:


> Why don't you stop directing your anger and resentment at your ex-wife and use it instead to fuel healing, stability, and better emotional, mental and physical health for yourself?


That's what I want to do. Believe it or not I AM trying to do that. My success so far has been...limited, mostly due to my decisions in how to look at things. Changing those decisions is a priority, figuring out how is a dilemma.


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## arbitrator

*It's unfortunate that you didn't have a flaring case of the clap that you could given to her as a "going-away gift!"

On second thought, you better make sure that she didn't beat you to the punch! Get yourself checked out for the presence of STD's ASAP!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tulanian

arbitrator said:


> Get yourself checked out for the presence of STD's ASAP![/COLOR][/B]
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did that yesterday, actually. Waiting for results. Granted, I don't suspect anything like that is going on, but it's best to be sure. Not to mention, I wanted to get documentation that I can show to a potential partner that indicates I'm clean. Pregnancy risk has already been taken care of.


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## Bibi1031

Tulanian said:


> That's what I want to do. Believe it or not I AM trying to do that. My success so far has been...limited, mostly due to my decisions in how to look at things. Changing those decisions is a priority, figuring out how is a dilemma.


And in YOUR healing process it's definitely a step forward. Baby steps gets us where we need to be. If we fall, we get up, dust off and keep going. It's OUR journey and we need to take as much time as WE need. 

((((hugs)))))

Bibi


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