# Your input on wife's actions



## donaldduck (Mar 23, 2009)

Hi all, this spans 29 years, 24 married. She was a mother at 19, daddy left, no contact or relationship with kid ever. She was not from a family of means, I was. We started dating, got married, I adopted her kid and treat like my own. She starts having an affair which went on for TWO years. Even conned me into financing a weekend getaway with her "co workers" which I find out later is the "other". We patch things up, move on with our lives, although she never apologized for her actions, but blamed it on my f..ked up family.

Fast forward to about two years ago, lots of stress dealing with messed up teenagers, but we seem to be dealing with it. She had started taking antidepressants a few years before that. Well, one night we are partying with a male friend, I come out of the kitchen to find his d.ck in her hand. They stop immediately. Later she says she was just so wasted she didn't know what she was doing, but qualifies it with "I wasn't hiding it from you either, I did it right in front of you".. I blow it off because we are both sexual beings (although I have never cheated on her) and say Ok no big deal if nothing else happened. All the while, she had also started taking Ambien to sleep. Well, after having some drinks one night, after taking the Ambien, I notice her lying in bed secretively texting another male friend who does not live in our state. It just seemed off, you know when you have a gut feeling something's off? Well I wait for her to fall asleep and look at the text, and she is asking if he felt the connection on his last visit, and the proceeds to offer her sevices "any time, any where". I confront her the next day and she says she doesn't even remember doing it, until I show her the text. I do research and find that Ambien causes all kinds of side effects like that, so I ask her to not take that any more and if she has a reason to text this guy, (we had a professional relationship) NOT to erase them if she has nothing to hide and cares at all about my feelings. I said I didn't care if she erased all of her other texts to her friends, just leave them. She not only continued to text and erase, but was totally unapologetic about it, and instead gets irate about me snooping and keeping her "under my thumb". She said all of their texts were business related, so I again said if she had nothing to hide, why not show them to me to set my mind at ease? I got "f.ck you, I'm done", which she never followed up on. Last weekend it was her birthday, while we were having breakfast, I asked if "X" had texted or called to wish a happy birthday, she says incredulously, why would he do that? Two hous later I walk up behind her and see she is responding to a text from "X". I say, I thought he didn't contact you, and if he did why didn't you mention it, she proceeds to call me an assh..le and says he just did and we were too busy running around and didn't think it was important. We argue about it later, sort of make up, and she says are we done with this now? I say it's up to you. The next day she says she contacted him and said not to call her anymore, yet there is no evidence of the supposed communication. I want to trust her BUT........You all probably say why do I stay with her? Besides the usual excuses, the kids, the money, the business, comfortable rut etc. we relly do have a hugh amount of things in common and enjoy the same things, we both feel we have a lot of empathy, and often say to each other that we are too nice and other people abuse this "niceness". Sorry for the long wind, but I'd relly like to get some feedback, as I really can't discuss this with anyone here for a lot of reasons.........Thanks for listening.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Chronic cheater, both EA and PA type affairs, then she pushes the blame/guilt onto you for "snooping".

Not a good combination, but that is my input/assessment on what your wife is doing.

It probably won't stop without counseling and/or you actually leaving her.


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## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

dude if you need some help let me know...i fight for a living and would be glad to rough up that shmuck...as far as your wife is concerned...you need to ween her off those meds cause they can also cause suicidal tendancies...my aunt committed suicide, at the time she was on Zoloft and my mom had to get off of it also...that stuff does not put you in the right frame of mind.on the other hand i think its crumby of what she is doing to you after all you have done for her. good luck man. i bet the meds will stop most of that.


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## donaldduck (Mar 23, 2009)

MMA_FIGHTER said:


> dude if you need some help let me know...i fight for a living and would be glad to rough up that shmuck...as far as your wife is concerned...you need to ween her off those meds cause they can also cause suicidal tendancies...my aunt committed suicide, at the time she was on Zoloft and my mom had to get off of it also...that stuff does not put you in the right frame of mind.on the other hand i think its crumby of what she is doing to you after all you have done for her. good luck man. i bet the meds will stop most of that.


Hey MMA and Revital, thanks for the support, MMa, I think you are right about the meds, we will see.....


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## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

i really wish you well....alot of peeps come on here for advice and when they get it, dont really like what other peeps have to say...sometimes you really have to work to achieve your goals. my mother in law was on all kinds of meds for one thing...i dont remember what it was but for example she had a really bad cough and she would take some type of med and the side effects was lets say for ****s and giggles, anal bleeding, so she would take a med for that then the side effect for that was bleeding from both eyes...and it just keep stacking up to where she was taking about 45 different meds a day...then one day she said enough is enough and weened herself off and now she takes nothing but excedrine occasionally , and she feels better too.


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## donaldduck (Mar 23, 2009)

WOW, sounds like she has been through a lot, again, thanks for your input!


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## tlee (Feb 26, 2009)

mma fighter, i know someone you could rough up...i have lost my touch...took kenpo for about 10 yrs, 15 yrs ago.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The problem is not her meds, or the guys who's d!ck she plays with. Nobody needs roughing up.

The problem is your wife. She has no sexual boundaries.

I don't think yo will change her. What you can do is get her out of your life. You deserve better than this.

Get away from her. She will not change a lifelong habit of deception and cheating on you.


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## donaldduck (Mar 23, 2009)

Thanks M, but we have gone through long spells with no problems, I think when she is not getting her emotional needs met by me, is when she tends to fall off the cliff, I am no angel, and can be a pain in the ass to live with, although I don't think I am a bad guy overall.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Donald,

Based on your last post.

Then sit there and be abused, but keep in mind a day in life unhappy is never recovered.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Donald. I'm afraid I'm with the others. She's a bad one. There are enough problems to deal with in a relationship or marriage. Most of these problems can be dealt with if it's just you two dealing with it.

Once other people are in the picture (her infidelities), there's little you can do except attempt to keep your own self-respect and kick her to the curb.
I think sometimes people think I see infidelity as too black and white, but once they've cheated - either emotionally or physically, something has been lost that can never be recovered.

What I see in your posts is you attempting to justify her actions by blaming yourself. That's laudable, but, if you don't mind me saying so, I think it's showing some self-esteem issues.

You didn't cheat. You didn't cause her to cheat. Only she can make that decision. You could be having all kinds of problems in the marriage, but cheating (emotionally or physically) never has been, nor never will be, the answer.

Stop blaming yourself. Stop forgiving. It's time to look after number one. It's what she's doing.


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## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

im not saying getting off meds will make everything picture perfect like a fairytale...but im sure it will help get her in the right state of mind, to talk or discuss about the important issues. if at that point she still doesnt apologize....you should leave, however just saying im sorry is not good enough, she needs to totally stop cheating and quit doing the things she is doing. becuase judging by what you are saying, you might be the one that " got away" and when she realizes that, it will be too late.


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## Reaper (Apr 9, 2009)

I agree with MichZZ.... The problem is her, not all the excusses she uses for why she does what she does. My brother had a wife who couldn't keep her legs closed; It was like a cancer and no matter how much he tried to fool himself no matter how many excusses he came up with why to stay, the only solution was leave or be miserable for the rest of your life. Always wondering when and where.


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