# What is wrong with my husband?



## argentina (Nov 29, 2008)

I have been with my husband for 9 years. We have 2 young children. Several years ago we separated for 6 months due to my husband verbally and physically abusing me. We both sought counselling, got back together, had a couple of good years and now the abuse is starting again. I know I should not put up with it and I don't let it effect my self esteem but I really want to understand why he is like this. We both work full-time, he is a highly stressed individual, talks fast, works and moves fast. he takes care of a lot of domestic duties around the house. I look after the finances, garden, DIY and day-to-day appointments, kids, school etc. It's a fair arrangement which we both agree on. for as long as I can remember he regularly moans about how much there is to do on a day-to-day basis, the mess the kids make etc and myself and the kids have learnt to live with his manic behaviour around the house and his yelling when he is not happy about something. He is pretty obsessive about certain things and will often ring me up at work to clarify if a certain towel has been used, should it go in the wash etc. I get annoyed sometimes at his inability to make simple decisions and wants me to tell him what to do all the time. I think this stems from a lot of criticism he received as a child and now needs reassurance before he does anything.
In regard to the verbal and physical abuse (i don't get beaten up, just the occasional shaking, squeeze on the arm, hair pulling, pushed around). this usually starts when I have been critical of him (eg: I have had moan about him overloading the washing machine or dryer - normal domestic stuff like that - correct me if I am wrong, but doesn't this go on in all households?). Often, after something like this I will even tell him I am sorry I got all wound up about, and let's just forget it. I do forget it and move on (my life is too busy to be worrying about trivial domestic arguments) The thing is....he doesn't forget it and hours and/or days later he will bring it up again. He will get angry and tell me that he works very hard, is a good man and that I am lucky to have him and that he does not deserve to be criticised by me. He will actually even admit that he was wrong, but then continue to go on about how busy he is and how much work he does. Quite frankly, I am not going to just sit and listen to this ranting over and over again and I tell him I can't believe he is bringing this up all over again. I had my moan at him hours and/or days again. Said I was sorry....now let's just forget it and enjoy the weekend. This just gets him more angry and he starts telling me to stop acting like a child, grow up and don't do it again. I, of course, tell him to stop speaking to me like this and of course it escalates from there with him starting to call me a c*** and pushing me around. I would like to add that throughout these conversations I never swear at him or physically abuse him. I don't feel the need to. I try to talk in an adult manner, but it doesn't really help. Yes, I do raise my voice sometimes. I am not going to be a doormat and let him think this is acceptable behaviour. However, I am open to any suggestions about other ways I can handle this. Although at this point I think I have had about enough I can handle and am considering separation again. 80% of the time my husband is considerate, always doing things for the family, affectionate and a hard-worker. The rest of the time he is moody, swears a lot, gets overly stressed and therefore rude to me and the kids. We have tried many things to lower his stress levels - reduced his working hours, I have taken on other duties around the house. We even built an extension onto the house, so there would be more space for all of us. Nothing has made any difference and I keep wondering if he has some sort of personality disorder. His reactions to the simple stuff just seem so over-the-top. Do I stick with this marriage that is 80% good, and put up with the crappy 20%. or is this more damaging to my kids. 
sorry this is so long-winded.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

If you suspect a possible personality disorder, have you asked him to see a doctor? 

And "just the occasional shaking, squeeze on the arm, hair pulling, pushed around" is physical abuse! 

He needs counseling, possibly medication. Get out until he gets it.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

one thing even before i got to your stressed bit. i sussed that out.
a suggestion , but only as this comes from my own experiences.
you shouldnt keep putting up with the violence.
keep talking to your H and ask him if he realises what hes doing.
in my opinion - he has to realise what he doing in order to change his persona.
if he doesnt realise it , then you wil have further difficult times ahead of you as his aggression and emotional instability wil increase.
try and get him to a point of this realization and maybe an appt to the doctors.
with my H - he was diagnosed with depression . we all have and suffer from it . just some ppl cope worse or better than others.
he was given medication and to be honest it had its downfalls as the drugs can have side affects - with my H it was impotency.
but we got over that. 
but the medication was a working wonder.
there is no doubt from what you say - regarding his job - he has much to take on board and whom do we take it out on - our nearest and dearest . 
he doesnt have balance in his life - with so much going on. 
can he try and change this.
do you go out together.


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## argentina (Nov 29, 2008)

Thanks. I agree. Unfortunately, when I mention him seeing a counsellor or doctor, he tells me that I should take some responsibility also for causing the problem. If I didn't moan at him in the first place.........etc, etc. I am not perfect, but I know that there is no excuse for physical or verbal abuse.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

none of us are perfect and its with sincerity i say this, i dont protect abusers. but if the abuse has reared its head now again after a while. 
it sounds like he isnt coping again and he needs that rebalance. 
we all should take responsibility. but its more him than you on this issue.
try a bit or reverse psychology. maybe suggest he is right but suggest he try the doctors also. men think differently from women.
this is what i do n e way.
can i ask your role on the house - do you work ? how many children?
this just gives me a little more light to work with!
with regards to your 80% good - thats a good marriage.
20% isnt enough reason to put the towel on yet as he has changed before. but the violence has to go.


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## argentina (Nov 29, 2008)

Thanks for your responses. Really appreciate your thoughts. In answer to some of your questions. Yes, I work full-time and also study accountancy. We have 2 young children in school. I am the more career focussed in the family and I sometimes wonder if this poses a threat to my husband. Although I will always support him in what he wants to do, he is happy with his job and not interested in career advancement. He has taken on a lot of the domestic tasks and he is good at it. In our family, it is more likely to see my husband cooking dinner and me repairing something. We go out on our own occasionally, but life is busy with two young kids. He probably does need to balance his life more and I think some more counselling would be a good thing or seeing the doctor about his stress levels. I just need to convince him. At the moment we are barely talking, as I am angry about the shoving around I got from him last night. He knows his behaviour is not acceptable and admits that, but he still says that it is me that causes him to behave that way. I think he needs to recognise that we choose the way we react to a situation


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

it sound like, to him, everything is your fault...including HIS problems. is he unwilling to accept his problems as HIS??? because his anger is NOT your fault. that kind of thinking is pathological. it can also lead to some VERY dangerous behavior. what happens when he can justify the bruise or gash on your head as being YOUR fault??? don't tell me "aww, that'll never happen" because it is extremely likely. this violent behavior escalates...and it DOESN'T just GO AWAY. don't wait for the next violent episode. tell someone about it NOW and get out of the line of fire.


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## Ask Eve (Jan 19, 2008)

"I think this stems from a lot of criticism he received as a child and now needs reassurance before he does anything."

Sounds to me he has had so much criticism in his life that to criticise and moan at you he considers "normal." HE needs a lot of reassurance from you for the things he does. Both of you work full time which is stressing in itself, especially having 2 young kids to bring up too. Men can sometimes be like small children, they're not always as strong mentally as us women so let him know how much you appreciate the things he does for you. If you praise him regularly I think you'll see a difference in his behaviour. Get the children involved in doing small chores around the house too.

The other thing is to try to get into the habit of spending some quality time together. I know this can be difficult with the busy lives you lead but time alone together without the kids around will help a great deal. Take time out together away from the TV when the kids go to bed. Talk to each other over a glass of wine and let him know how you appreciate everything he does. If he feels good within himself and that he makes a difference (and isn't taken for granted and criticised the way he was as a child) then he'll WANT to do more things for you.

If you can both have a weekend break together (say once a month) and have the kids watched by family or friends then all the better. 

Regards,

~Eve~


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

as you work, no doubt you bring in an income and you have your own stresses and that along with bringing up small children.
but this info might help.
its what i learnt.
dont nag .
atleast for a week try and train your brain . 
i know its hard being a working mum, i am one.
but this is just a situation i once had that changed my outlook.
if this is long i apologise in advance.
goin on a family hol, i pretty much nagged at hubby lack of direction when it come to packing for our children.
my argument was " its always left to me to do the boys stuff",
suddenly i had a change of heart.
now if my H had done the boys clothes and packed the wrong stuff , which he would , then it causes another argument.
so by ACCEPTING i am better at packing and then i only have myself to blame if i missed stuff, i can only be angry with myself.
but atleast it hasnt caused an argument.
from that point on and in household chores. who is better -
i am and so are you.
if your H does something let him do and bite your tongue.
if you can do it better , then you do the job.
that way the job doesnt get done twice by 2 ppl , and you dont argue.
try this for a week. the trouble with us is we think to much.
rather than accepting a quiet moment for what it is, a quiet moment. we look to deep into it and think there is an issue when there isnt.
i learnt that from my H and to be honest i was always talking. making something out of nothing.
when if you take a step back, simply sitting down watching a movie and just huggin or holding hands is sometimes enough. Actions can speak louder than words.
i say this , but on my own brain training. i have a H that communicates more, rarely bad tempered but more emotional, more 
intimate. reverse your actions.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Everything he does is HIS responsibility, not YOUR fault. Period. 

If he finds something that you do is irritating, then it's HIS problem and HE needs to get help dealing or overcoming it. Period. (if it's something you do or say, you may wish to think of a way to do or say it differently or more gently) 

Saying that it's you this or you that is refusing to accept responsibility for his actions. That makes it easier for him to get away with those actions. Easier to continue to take those actions. 

Of course, this presumes you are not trying to goad him into "a reaction".


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Argentina, I'm so sorry you are having trouble in your marriage. You say you are concerned that your H may have a personality disorder (PD). The behavioral traits you describe sound similar to several BPD traits (Borderline PD traits). Whether they are so severe as to meet the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD" is a determination only professionals can make. Recognizing the occurrence of strong BPD traits is not difficult, however, for anyone who has been living a spouse for nine years. Moreover, you are already familiar with the nine BPD traits because we all have them (albeit, at low levels when we are healthy).

I therefore suggest that you read my three posts in GTRR's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...depressed-its-always-my-fault.html#post188319. They provide an overview of typical behavior of BPDers (i.e., persons with strong BPD traits). If that description sounds familiar and rings some bells, you may want to read more by following the links in those posts which point to good articles by professionals. 

Also, please consider going to a clinical psychologist -- by yourself -- and describing his behavior. The psych will be unable to render a formal diagnosis absent your H but he probably will candidly tell you what you likely are dealing with. If your H goes along, the psych likely -- in my experience -- will not tell him, much less tell you. One reason is that insurance companies usually will not cover the therapy if the diagnosis is BPD. Another reason is that most BPDers will immediately drop out of therapy on hearing that diagnosis.


argentina said:


> Several years ago we separated for 6 months due to my husband verbally and physically abusing me.


Verbal and physical abuse are one of the hallmarks of BPD traits but, by themselves, are insufficient to indicate BPD. As I explain at the link above, BPDers quickly turn abusive because they do not control their emotions well and because they do black-white thinking (i.e., all-or-nothing thinking). That is, a BPDer can be loving and caring and then -- in ten seconds -- flip to devaluing you or even hating you. The flip is triggered by something you do or say that reminds him of one of his two great fears: engulfment (from intimacy) and abandoment. The result is that a BPDer's family members often will walk on eggshells in an attempt to avoid triggering his tantrums and rants. This is why the most popular BPD book (targeted to the family members) is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells."


> We both sought counseling, got back together, had a couple of good years and now the abuse is starting again.


If your H has strong traits of a PD like BPD, marriage counseling likely will not help until he has been working for years on the underlying PD traits.


> myself and the kids have learnt to live with his manic behavior around the house


My exW has BPD and my foster son is bipolar. Based on my experience with them, I know that mania comes on slowly, taking about two weeks to develop and lasting for a couple of weeks (alternating with depression). Having four such moody periods in a year is considered "rapid cycling." In contrast, the mood change you see with BPD comes on in about 10 seconds in response with something you say or do that triggers one of two underlying fears. 

Moreover, the nasty mood typically lasts about five hours (rarely as long as 36 hours). Also, due to the black-white thinking, BPDers tend to be far meaner than a person suffering from bipolar disorder. And, because bipolar is caused by gradual changes in body chemistry, it can be treated quite successfully (like depression) with pills. BPD traits, however, cannot be treated with pills because it is not due to body chemistry changes but, rather, a thought disorder. The meds can help some, however, with the associated symptoms of depression and anxiety (but the thought disorder itself remains unless the sufferer undergoes many years of therapy).


> I think this stems from a lot of criticism he received as a child and now needs reassurance before he does anything.


If your H has strong BPD traits, the likely cause was a combination of genetics and abandonment or abuse (or emotionally unavailable parent) in early childhood (usually before age 5). I say "likely cause" because a recent large scale study found that 70% of folks diagnosed with BPD reported having been abused or traumatized in early childhood. (But many abused children do not develop BPD.)


> He will actually even admit that he was wrong, but then continue to go on about how busy he is and how much work he does.


Admitting a mistake with one hand and then taking it back with the other does not really constitute admitting to anything. The refusal to take responsibility for one's actions is another hallmark of BPD traits. It therefore is typical for a BPDer to think of himself as a perpetual victim -- always the victim -- and to blame every misfortune on his spouse or partner.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

I have been with my husband for 9 years. We have 2 young children. Several years ago we separated for 6 months due to my husband verbally and physically abusing me. We both sought counselling, got back together, had a couple of good years and now the abuse is starting again. 
... What did you learn in counseling? If it helped you, why have you not continued to use what you learned? Didn't counseling teach you how to negotiate, be best friends, be honest, LOVE EACH OTHER, communicate, resolve issues, etc. ??????? What did you learn there?

I know I should not put up with it and I don't let it effect my self esteem but I really want to understand why he is like this.
... For the sake of your kids - the real victims in all of this - get back into counseling and get him into some kind of THERAPY for his very bad parental role modeling.

We both work full-time, he is a highly stressed individual, talks fast, works and moves fast. 
... I'd say he has deep, unresolved emotional issues that need to be healed or your kids will be very damaged by him.

he takes care of a lot of domestic duties around the house. I look after the finances, garden, DIY and day-to-day appointments, kids, school etc. It's a fair arrangement which we both agree on. for as long as I can remember he regularly moans about how much there is to do on a day-to-day basis, the mess the kids make etc and myself and the kids have learnt to live with his manic behaviour around the house and his yelling when he is not happy about something. 
... You mean they have surrendered to it yet it is harming them more than you want to admit!

He is pretty obsessive about certain things and will often ring me up at work to clarify if a certain towel has been used, should it go in the wash etc. I get annoyed sometimes at his inability to make simple decisions and wants me to tell him what to do all the time. I think this stems from a lot of criticism he received as a child and now needs reassurance before he does anything.
...You obviously have an idea of what has lead to his behavior, so now, follow your instincts and GET HIM SOME HELP before it gets worse for your kids.

In regard to the verbal and physical abuse (i don't get beaten up, just the occasional shaking, squeeze on the arm, hair pulling, pushed around). 
...Oh that must be wonderful for your kids to see!!! You make it seem like child's play or no big deal. It's a very big deal to your kids!!!

this usually starts when I have been critical of him (eg: I have had moan about him overloading the washing machine or dryer - normal domestic stuff like that - correct me if I am wrong, but doesn't this go on in all households?).
... NO! It does not go on in all or even most households. Your are using DENIAL to help you excuse this SICK behavior and your kids know it!


Often, after something like this I will even tell him I am sorry I got all wound up about, and let's just forget it. I do forget it and move on (my life is too busy to be worrying about trivial domestic arguments) The thing is....he doesn't forget it and hours and/or days later he will bring it up again. 
.. And how do you deal with it? What do you say to him?

He will get angry and tell me that he works very hard, is a good man and that I am lucky to have him and that he does not deserve to be criticised by me. He will actually even admit that he was wrong, but then continue to go on about how busy he is and how much work he does. Quite frankly, I am not going to just sit and listen to this ranting over and over again and I tell him I can't believe he is bringing this up all over again. I had my moan at him hours and/or days again. Said I was sorry....now let's just forget it and enjoy the weekend. This just gets him more angry and he starts telling me to stop acting like a child, grow up and don't do it again. I, of course, tell him to stop speaking to me like this and of course it escalates from there with him starting to call me a c*** and pushing me around. 
.... And your kids see this! What do you do to either stop him or leave with the kids?

I would like to add that throughout these conversations I never swear at him or physically abuse him. I don't feel the need to. I try to talk in an adult manner, but it doesn't really help. Yes, I do raise my voice sometimes. I am not going to be a doormat and let him think this is acceptable behaviour. 
... OK, so what do you do to FIX IT? What positive example do you show your kids for dealing with such an out of control person as their father?????

However, I am open to any suggestions about other ways I can handle this. 
... I'd make sure there are severe consequences for his behavior and BACK THEM UP ALL THE WAY. As for exactly what consequences, I'd recommend you see a counselor to examine your specific situation. Little pieces of advice here will most likely not help you or your kids.

Although at this point I think I have had about enough I can handle and am considering separation again. 80% of the time my husband is considerate, always doing things for the family, affectionate and a hard-worker. The rest of the time he is moody, swears a lot, gets overly stressed and therefore rude to me and the kids. 
... Very bad for kids to see such a crumby parental role model!

We have tried many things to lower his stress levels - reduced his working hours, I have taken on other duties around the house. We even built an extension onto the house, so there would be more space for all of us. Nothing has made any difference and I keep wondering if he has some sort of personality disorder. 
...Stop 'wondering' and get some professional help FOR YOUR KIDS SAKE!
His reactions to the simple stuff just seem so over-the-top. Do I stick with this marriage that is 80% good, and put up with the crappy 20%. or is this more damaging to my kids. 
... MORE DAMAGING TO YOUR KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HELP THEM!

re: He probably does need to balance his life more and I think some more counselling would be a good thing or seeing the doctor about his stress levels. I just need to convince him. 
.... Would telling him you and the kids are "LEAVING RIGHT NOW - if he fails to gets into counseling or therapy this minute", convince him??? Then start packing your things in case he doubts you!!!!
Stand up for your kids!


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