# TIPPING POINT- From a NON- walk-a-way-wife



## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

Greeting all!

This is my first post, and I hope to get some feedback about my situation..


First, I think the term Walk-away Wife, is a misnomer. This is what my STBXH has labeled me as. 

In my opinion, it is a way to absolve husband of their responsibity for being partially responsible for the demise of the marriage. It's easier to just blame her for being "selfish" and unwilling to "work on the M."

Thoughts?

I digress...

So, I am learning (after years of dealing with his sulking, avoidance, immaturity, withholding/on-his-terms sex, and blaming) that I have unfortunately married a passive aggressive.

While I love him, and will continue to co-parent with him--I REFUSE to, with him as my husband.

Ironically, he's NOW interested in counseling, working things out; yet exhibits moodswings, which tends to vacillate from "loving me to loathing me." It's exhausting.

He still wears his ring, and hasn't told his family that we are seperated (living in the same house, yet in different rooms), pending divorce.

In addition, he's completely falling on his financial responsibities not paying bills, always has NO MONEY(--he makes >$190K); and just acting tragic as hell. He also IMHO is using his manufactored financial-crisis, as an anchor to get me to stay with declarations such as, "we have so much debt and my cards are all maxed" (but he also has no money, that's a head-scratcher)

I honestly believe this is manipulation. Primarily because the issues in our marriage have been so chronic, and I have been VERY VOCAL ABOUT THEM, that he could have fix this at ANYTIME.. 

Yet, chose not to.

Anyone else been here? What did you do?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This VERY MUCH manipulation on his part. $190k and he has no money?? Thats HIS problem! I hope you have already seperated your finances from him, and that this isnt joint debt. Dont fall for the manipulation, stay your course and be strong. Him being all about fixing things now is only his fear of losing his familiar life.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I like your title about the Tipping Point but I don't buy your premise that being called a WAW is a cheap excuse to absolve the husband from his responsibilities to the marriage. It sounds like you have been living very comfortably since your husband earns at least $190k, but why do you want to leave, really? The lack of sex or intimacy? What was your contribution to the downfall of your marriage because you can't blame it all on your husband? 

Your husband is exhibiting mood swings because the writing is on the wall. Who wouldn't have these swings if their life is going to be flipped upside down? Its normal, so don't take it against him. He wants to fix things now and you won't give him the chance. So what if he didn't listen before? Maybe you didn't communicate your issues properly. Women are better communicators than men, me are just naturally more dense. 

So you say you love him, but won't give him a real chance. I think you are taking the easy way out. Sorry.


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

Alpha said:


> I don't buy your premise that being called a WAW is a cheap excuse to absolve the husband from his responsibilities to the marriage.


We will have to disagree, my friend.




> It sounds like you have been living very comfortably since your husband earns at least $190k, but why do you want to leave, really? The lack of sex or intimacy? What was your contribution to the downfall of your marriage because you can't blame it all on your husband?


Comfortable doesn't always equate to finances. Yes, I have a nice brownstone in the hip part of the city and drive an Audi A6-Quattro. Yet, I also frequently endured horrific EAbuse, unmitigated range/anger and financial blackmail. I addition, I DO wish to leave for the issues you listed, and to basically live my life...free from his morose, abusive, manipulativee and pessimitic attitude.

Furthermore, my contribution is that I enabled poor behavior. I allowed (notice I didn't say was subjected to) behaviors, not condusive to a marriage, to remain unchecked. Unfortunately, there are circumstances where one person is more at fault. 



> Your husband is exhibiting mood swings because the writing is on the wall.


Yes. I am aware. This is NOT the first time D has been on the table. Yet, the first time I've not been talked out of it.



> Who wouldn't have these swings if their life is going to be flipped upside down? Its normal, so don't take it against him.


Agreed. If this wasn't his base-line behavior.



> He wants to fix things now and you won't give him the chance. So what if he didn't listen before?



That would assume you have intimate knowledge of my M.

I have spent 10 YEARS attemping to "fix" things which predated me; and are central to his personality and interpersonal relationship definciencies. It's not my job to fix him.



> Maybe you didn't communicate your issues properly.


hmmm...our therapist would even disagree with this...




> Women are better communicators than men


You realize that you've contradicted yourself, right?




> So you say you love him, but won't give him a real chance.



Once, more I think you're making assumptions. And you also fail to acknowledge that one can both "love" someone and realize someone is not good for them.



> I think you are taking the easy way out. Sorry.


I think you lack the insight into my marriage to make such comment. Sorry. 

be well...


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I am well. 

Did you provide enough information on your first post for anyone to give a good opinion? All you did was rant how your husband is like this and like that and you painted yourself to be a victim. 

Just look at the way you answered my post. It shows how you react when someone tells you something you don't like or don't want to hear.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Alpha said:


> I am well.
> 
> Just look at the way you answered my post. It shows how you react when someone tells you something you don't like or don't want to hear.


Thats because she is DONE. After all these years of struggling, and trying to fix things, and tolerating bad treatment, she doesnt want to hear that she is taking the easy way out.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Have you considered he may have a personality disorder? Borderline?

From the way you describe his behavior, he seems to exhibit those traits.

Good luck!


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Have you considered he may have a personality disorder? Borderline?
> 
> From the way you describe his behavior, he seems to exhibit those traits.
> 
> Good luck!


Thank you!!!

To answer your ?...hell-emphatically-YES!

His mom and sister are BPD and will frequently use emotional blackmail to get him to do things. He just avoid them. It's pretty sad, really.

I have tried to convince him for YEARS to get into therapy. No go... He's fine. I'm just the one who needs to suck it up and deal with it.:scratchhead:

Um...no.


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

Alpha said:


> I am well.
> 
> Did you provide enough information on your first post for anyone to give a good opinion? All you did was rant how your husband is like this and like that and you painted yourself to be a victim.
> 
> Just look at the way you answered my post. It shows how you react when someone tells you something you don't like or don't want to hear.


I think it's telling that someone with the avatar named "Alpha" has taken to a post by a lady who's critical of a man, with such vitrol.

Actually I'm not.

Also, my post was a direct response, not a reaction. I don't hold any degree of emotional connectedness to your post to react. Responses are logical (and often direct); Reactions are emotional. Generally, speaking. 

Anyway...

My post was that...a post. It was neither an analysis, essay, short story nor blog. Furthermore, I gave the scenario from MY LIVED EXPERIENCE, which might to you read as victim-posturing. NEVER would I consider myself "a victim." If you re-read, you'd notice I wrote "I enabled poor behavior..." 

IOW: I accept my responsibility.

I also have no issue with opposing veiwpoints: I take issue when my LIVED EXPERIENCES are diminished.

Thank you for your input. I think we've reached that point.


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> This VERY MUCH manipulation on his part. $190k and he has no money?? Thats HIS problem! I hope you have already seperated your finances from him, and that this isnt joint debt. Dont fall for the manipulation, stay your course and be strong. Him being all about fixing things now is only his fear of losing his familiar life.


I have indeed! In addition, I have opened an on-line savings and checking account that I now use to put away money. Also, he's not paid basic utilities, joint accounts and I've had to use money allocated for other bills (credit cards, et al) subsequently negatively impacting my credit (had a 714 in 9/12; now it's...welll not that  )

Basically, I'm paying for my own D. He's vehemently REFUSED to pay for my retainer/attny fees. 

That's fine. I am starting from square 1. I just want out.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What did I do? I said one of us is leaving this house. Which one do you want it to be? 
He left, was morose, kept trying to get me back. I kept telling him that the things he was saying sounded like he was being coached. 
It was like he read a book about what to say and was repeating the lines. 
This was after years of extreme emotional abuse and his refusal to get help. 
He was BPD, treated me like dirt, was passive aggressive. 
I ended up taking him back because he started going to counseling and admitting he needed help. 
Everything he said was a lie. It was just the same sh1t once he came back. 
He would plead with me not to D him. And then turn around and crap all over our marriage. 
I finally told him again someone has to leave. He left, and kept asking me to get back and saying he loved me soooo much. 
He then let our house get foreclosed on and I had to go live with my mom. long story but within months he was in a LTR with one of my best friends a d denying it. 
So yeah, I don't think he wanted ME. He just didn't want to pay child support or have to be alone. 
My life is SO much better now. Night and day. 
Ignore what he says, he's a loser.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Alpha said:


> I like your title about the Tipping Point but I don't buy your premise that being called a WAW is a cheap excuse to absolve the husband from his responsibilities to the marriage. It sounds like you have been living very comfortably since your husband earns at least $190k, but why do you want to leave, really? The lack of sex or intimacy? What was your contribution to the downfall of your marriage because you can't blame it all on your husband?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So I guess if you make a lot of money your wife owes you and you are entitled? They are married thus have household finances. And there manipulation tactics are very much those of someone that either thinks he's entitled or is too much of an immature brat to deal with anything.
I totally get the point of this post, because my ex hb was the same way. Told him for years I was miserable and he had no interest, told me I should be grateful for my life, and that it was my problem. When I filed he all of a sudden wanted counseling, but there is just something phony about someone that's not interested until it's their rear on the line. He's not interested in a good relationship with his wife, he just doesn't want to lose his comfortable life. This is someone that will go right back to what they're doing when they're satisfied their spouse is staying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> What did I do? I said one of us is leaving this house. Which one do you want it to be?
> He left, was morose, kept trying to get me back. I kept telling him that the things he was saying sounded like he was being coached.
> It was like he read a book about what to say and was repeating the lines.
> This was after years of extreme emotional abuse and his refusal to get help.
> ...


WOW!!!! *BOWS DOWN*

It is amazing how similar our stories are. It seems like when we try to leave these guys (PA-BPD) they will "go for broke"--not to keep us, but to not lose control.

Honestly, I've been accused of causing our financial issues (I guess $230K collectively isn't enough--he recently talked about bankruptcy). *rolls eyes*

Basically, the root of all of our problems--let him tell it--, is that I do not have equitable income and chose to do the "mothering thing" [become a SAHM]. Yet he wants full custody of our kids...

Yeah, let that one marinade... 

The judge will be like, "Come on son. You're not getting these kids." Bottom line, he's looking at about $2000/kid in CS, and that's not pretty...

It's really ashame what these men will go through to not lose power. It's not about love: it's about control.

I am totally prepared to start from square one. 

Thanks for sharing your story. It's good to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yep.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Oh yes we had agreed that I would stay at home with our d until she was 4, but then he started acting so crazy that I started working to get back into the work pool and make some money. 
Of course after that he still acted like his job was more important and still didn't want to help with her and would yell and call me a b8tch for wanting help. 

I ended up getting the locks changed on the house because he had threatened to destroy my stuff so many times. 
Then I got the water turned off and he decided instead of helping he would put his entire pay check down on a retainer for a lawyer. 

So I had to leave because on a preschool teacher wages and paying her child care and the utilities and the vehicle I couldn't do it. He told me he wasn't my personal ATM. 

I had to leave without him knowing because he had a history of suicide threats and standing in front of cars, stealing keys to keep me from leaving the house. 
I lived with my mom for over a year, we had to declare bankruptcy, he let our vehicle get repo'd so I had to drive my mom to work and back every day so I could get to work.
Finally my mom sold me her car for really cheap and she got a new one. 
I ended up staying with the same company for four years. I make more than I ever have. 
I bought a house last year just with my money and my credit. I have a newer car now, my d goes to a great school. 
I met my husband three years ago and it's like my marriage to me ex is a nightmare and didn't really happen sometimes. 
I actually used to have nightmares about still being with him. 
He ended up having to pay me spousal support for two years on top of child support for the equity he wasted in the house. 
Yes it's possible to move on. I think you need to just not listen to him.


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> So I guess if you make a lot of money your wife owes you and you are entitled?


Appears that way, doesn't it? What's sad is that he's not the first person to state that. I actually told a GF of mine, "fine, if you THINK he's a 'good man' solely on your perception of him and his income, I'll call you in 90 days after the decree is signed and he's all yours."

Money doesn't negate being treated like crap.




> Told him for years I was miserable and he had no interest, told me I should be grateful for my life, and that it was my problem. When I filed he all of a sudden wanted counseling, but there is just something phony about someone that's not interested until it's their rear on the line.


:rofl: Seriously, were YOU married to my STBXH????




> He's not interested in a good relationship with his wife, he just doesn't want to lose his comfortable life. This is someone that will go right back to what they're doing when they're satisfied their spouse is staying.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have to agree with you 100%. It was a hard decision to make (especially because we have young kids), but the thought of another 10 years with him was unbearable.


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Oh yes we had agreed that I would stay at home with our d until she was 4, but then he started acting so crazy that I started working to get back into the work pool and make some money.
> Of course after that he still acted like his job was more important and still didn't want to help with her and would yell and call me a b8tch for wanting help.
> 
> I ended up getting the locks changed on the house because he had threatened to destroy my stuff so many times.
> ...


:rofl::rofl:

OMG!!!! Your x-man was hot-buttered mess! This happened in THREE YEARS????? Count your blessings... wow.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It's been five since my ex filed for d and I moved in with my mom. 
Three since I met my husband. 
Yes he is a complete mess, to this day. I just only get glimpses of it now and then.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

persephone71 said:


> Appears that way, doesn't it? What's sad is that he's not the first person to state that. I actually told a GF of mine, "fine, if you THINK he's a 'good man' solely on your perception of him and his income, I'll call you in 90 days after the decree is signed and he's all yours."
> 
> Money doesn't negate being treated like crap.
> 
> ...



I know it's tough, my kids were 2 and 5 when I filed. I've not regretted it for one minute, and gave him a very favorable settlement. In fact, his lawyer took one look at it and told him to sign it before I changed my mind, since a court would never give him that good of a deal. He's shown you who he is, whatever you do please pay attention to that.
Ha ha, it does sound like we had the same guy, maybe he has a twin running around? Fwiw, my ex and I get along pretty well now, and he's happier without me. It took some years though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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