# Having the same views



## cherryberry52 (Mar 28, 2010)

Right now I am really struggling with my husband on how we want to raise our children! I love him very much but to me he is so old school and every minor thing is a big deal! It gets very frusterating when cant communicate and come to a sort of an aggrement! For example he is Atheist and I am Catholic, and can you imagine how hard that is! I am not an every sunday church goer, but I still think it is important that the just know that there is a god, so when we first got together it wasnt a prob. he said that was fine i baptised them catholic, but now is telling the girls there is no such thing as god and it really bothers me! Somedays I just want pull my hair out


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

sounds like time for a compromise!

could you agree to slightly modify what you tell your children, find some agreed form of words? Otherwise they will be confronted with two opposing absolutes...If hubby could say he doesn't know if there's a God, and you say you believe there is, would that create enough 'wriggle room' to keep the peace - and your integrity?

I'm a lapsed Catholic and my boy's mother is of a New Age persuasion. We encourage our boy to take an interest in spiritual matters but confidently leave it to him to arrive at his own views about a Deity. Religious Studies is one of his best school subjects. I don't denounce religion, she doesn't fill his head with New Age stuff - it works pretty well.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

How about agreeing not to explicitly contradict each other, instead saying something like "Your mother thinks one thing, and I think another. There's no way to prove who's right, but anyway it's not worth fighting about." ?

My sense of this is that the person who is _less_ shrill is _more_ persuasive. If it's important to you what your children believe, you should both work hard to be as loving and accepting of each other as possible; and if it's important to him, then he should do the same.


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## Q*bert (Mar 30, 2010)

artieb said:


> How about agreeing not to explicitly contradict each other, instead saying something like "Your mother thinks one thing, and I think another.


Exactly. You need to both put up a unified front, no matter what. That may mean answering with "Your mother and I will discuss this and let you know when we decide." 

It also means supporting decisions made in your absence, no matter what. The proper place to have the discussion between parents is in private, away from the kids. Discuss what happened after, and agree on how to handle it in the future (I know - easier said than done!).

It's OK to have different parenting styles, as long as you are united on the basics, and don't undermine each other's parental authority.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

artieb said:


> How about agreeing not to explicitly contradict each other, instead saying something like "Your mother thinks one thing, and I think another. There's no way to prove who's right, but anyway it's not worth fighting about." ?


:iagree: It's not fair to your kids to completely confuse and debate the issue and use them as a tool to "win" this debate. 

My husband and I are non believers. We don't practice any organized religion at all. We never go to church. They were never baptized or attended any religious instruction. We do celebrate holidays like Christmas and Easter (as in Easter egg hunt ) but purely in a secular manner. We both agreed to tell our kids that there probably is a God but we aren't sure and don't feel the need to pray to them. Basically the kids are on their own when it comes to formal religious instruction because I simply can't do it and my husband isn't inclined as well. 

For my teenage daughter it's worked out well. She got involved in a Christian youth group with her boyfriend and loves it. She goes to weekly meetings and went on a retreat with them. She believes in the Christian dogma. It's fine with my husband and I because the people she's with are nice and I appreciate the morality being taught as well and she's enjoying herself. It's her way of "finding" herself spritually. 

My 12 year old son doesn't give religion much thought. He's downright disinterested in it. He seems to be a lot like me. I think he does believe in a God in an abstract manner. He's still young and that could change though. I have no problem with my kids not thinking and subscribing to my belief system. I assume they are individuals and will come to certain conclusions themselves, regardless of what I tell them. 

Point is, you have a "mixed" marriage so you made a choice. If your husband would stand back and let you raise them Catholic that would be one way of solving this but he would have to keep his mouth shut and respect that. Or you could just not raise them anything at all or raise them atheist. 

Personally I don't think it's fair to tell them there is "no" God because children need and want some kind of spirituality and it should be up to your child to make that decision for themselves. We live in a society that DOES believe in God and organized religion and they need to be aware of that and respect it, even if they choose not to participate. 

I'm a big believer in teaching my children to think and feel for themselves, as individuals. Some parents, unfortunately, seem to take their kid's independence as an insult to them, and that's where the problems start. 

You and your husband need to sit down and make a decision and stop confusing your kids.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

cherryberry52 said:


> he is Atheist... is telling the girls there is no such thing as god and it really bothers me! Somedays I just want pull my hair out


im not sure what you're so confused about. He's atheist. what did you expect him to tell them? you tell them there is a god. isnt it a little hypocritical of you to expect him to not express his views? You married an atheist. dont try and change that about him. you will hurt your kids much more by fighting with your H then anything else. Let him express his views and bite your tongue. you picked him.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

She's not trying to change her husband. She's trying to have a cohesive, consistent dogma for her kids so they aren't confused. They need to agree to disagree and come up with a way to raise their kids without confusing them. It's not fair to either them or their kids if each parent is looking to undermine the other they are fighting about it in front of the kids constantly. 

She's going to have to deal with her husband being an atheist and he's going to have to deal with her believing in one and TOGETHER come up with an explanation and game plan for their kids. It sounds like she figures that he agreed to a religious upbringing because the kids were baptised and now he's contradicting that by telling the kids there's no God. That's the issue. They need to figure out a game plan.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Freak On a Leash said:


> She's going to have to deal with her husband being an atheist and he's going to have to deal with her believing in one and TOGETHER come up with an explanation and game plan for their kids.


definitely agree. i was suggesting the game plan be to let both parents express their views to the kids, while respecting the other spouses view, and let the kids choose what they want. 

and one can think of it as the kids being confused, or one can think of it as the kids learning to see things from both perspectives and choose for themselves. It doesnt have to be a bad thing.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Blanca said:


> definitely agree. i was suggesting the game plan be to let both parents express their views to the kids, while respecting the other spouses view, and let the kids choose what they want.


That is true. My husband and I have differing views in that I tend to lean more to the atheistic side while he's more spiritual. When they were really young we basically were unified in our viewpoint so as not to confuse them. Now they are older so we tend to be more honest and open about our differing viewpoints and they are making up their own mind (as evidenced by my daughter). 

IMO, as long as you raise them to be good people and impart good morals to them it's all good in the end.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IF this is truly just about religion, why don't you take the high road, and take your children to visit ALL the religions, including whatever atheists do (?), and tell your kids that you want them to use their brain to realize what they believe? That's what the Lutherans do - send the kids out to experience as many religions as they can, so they'll know what is right for them.


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