# Hi..new here....would appreciate advice..



## lmc (Apr 1, 2012)

Hi...I'm Lisa, I'm 42, married for almost 9 years and been with my husband for ten years...next week, in fact. We have two young children. 

I don't normally come to message boards but am needing some input and advice and wasn't sure which board to go to...I'd appreciate any help.

My husband and I have been through some very tough times over the past 5/6 years....we saw two business go belly up, lost our home, and have struggled financially. It's been very difficult. My mother almost died and is now a paraplegic. There have been times that I wanted to take the kids and leave and wanted him to come too, but he has had no choice but to stay put and make this next project work. He has felt humiliated and without control in his career for a long time. But needs must and there are no other options so we stay where we are.

Things are finally looking up though. Our new business is doing well and we should start to see our financial struggles get better. We are also renting a nice house in a nice neighborhood, finally.

For two years though, I had had a crush on a man. He also had a crush on me. We never spoke of it but you know, y'know? At Christmas, prior to our second business closing, he admitted his feelings to me. I reciprocated. For three months we have gone back and forth with our feelings. We never had sex....but a handful of make out sessions and lots of emailing. Hearts caught on fire. We fell for each other. At times though, it became too much and we would both call it off, but before long, we'd end up back in each other's arms. When he was in my life as my lover, I felt happy and fulfilled....it was the perfect relationship...he gave me the excitement and emotion and connection that's been missing from my marriage.

We have now reached the point where neither of us can do it anymore. 

I'm mourning, but not the loss of him as such, but those feelings. I wish I could capture all of them and give them to my husband because that's where they belong. I understand and appreciate that marriages take work, that there is ebb and flow over the years. But, I think we've had more than our share of hard knocks. 

We had a date night last night and, without telling him about this other man, I was honest and told him that I've felt emotionally detached from him, that I've not been as physically attracted to him. He was honest and we both agreed...I mean, we've always known the damage to our marriage has been there

How do I find my way back to him fully? He's my best friend and my lobster. I never want to hurt him, only want to love him like I used to. Can't stop weeping today. 

Thanks for getting this far. I appreciate it.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

lmc said:


> Things are finally looking up though. Our new business is doing well and we should start to see our financial struggles get better.


I'm surprised you would take this on given two failures already and a less-than-stable relationship. 

You said you can't stop weeping. Guilt for what you did to him? Or do you want out so you can get back with your lover?


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## lmc (Apr 1, 2012)

No, I do not want to be with him. At all. I'm weeping because I was weak and went looking for excitement elsewhere when I lost it in my own marriage.


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## Kasus (Mar 31, 2012)

You said you felt guilt on your other post. But there is a great deal of difference between guilt and remorse, and your post shows none of that. 

This forum has many BH (betrayed husbands), i would suggest reading one or two topics of theirs to guage the pain your husband will go through as well as advice given to give you an idea of what ACTIVE steps you need to take. Only your actions will prove true remorse, the first being telling your husband. He has a right to make an informed decision on the marriage and you should not take that away from him.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lmc said:


> He's my best friend and my lobster.


Auto-correct is hysterical at times.


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

In case you missed my other reply to the other thread:


Welcome lmc, since this is a fidelity site, be prepared for some harsh comments.

First off what you had with the other man (OM) was an affair, even though no sex was involved it was still an affair, an emotional one (EA).

Recognize this and accept it. During those times you couldn't have attached yourself to your husband because you gave yourself to OM.

You say you don't want to hurt him, but you already did and the damage is done. Your H just doesn't know it yet.

If you are truly sorry and want to work on this there are something's you need to do. You need to let your H know what you have been doing behind his back and for how long.

Then you need create a no contact letter to your OM. You need to OM know that it's over and you are going to work it out with your H.

The choice whether or not this marriage will continue is no longer yours to make, the ball is in your H's court now. If he chooses to work it out then you both will need to go to marriage counseling.

I'm sure others will have more to add.

GL
Posted via Mobile Device
[Edit] [Reply] [!!]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Imc,

First, the facts are you are cheating on your H in a EM/PA (physical affair) with another man. "a handful of make out sessions and lots of emailing". 

Second, feeling guilty and remorse are 2 different things. If you truly want your husband back the show remorse (turn away) from the affair and tell your husband all and plead for mercy.

Lobster?


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

RWB said:


> Lobster?


Why yes, thank you! Would kindly pass the butter sauce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Imc, 

You have committed the ultimate act of betrayal. You have destroyed the one person that would gladly give up his life for you. You need to tell him and let him decide if he wants to keep you as his wife. You owe him that much at least. And rest assured that if you don't tell him he WILL find out. Trust me, it always comes out eventually. If you tell him the entire truth and confess everything there is a chance he might find it in his heart to forgive you. But if you don't come clean, when he finds out he will be injured 10X worse because of your deceit. At that point your marriage will have little chance of recovery.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It's very easy to fall for someone else and have feelings, feel whole. 
Do you remember like a million years ago how attentive your husband was, how he would do just about anything to be with you, how you saw him? Probably not.

Your in a fog that is hard to shake. This OM. he knows your married, have kids,, have had a tough few years.

This noble pull back yearning thing is all crap and you know it.
Life is not Pride and Prejudice.

He wants to get in your pants. He wants to nail you against the wall. He wants this because you want it too. Exciting hey..

He doesn't really care about you, despite all the words. Let me tell you a recap of my story, you remind me of my wife.

12 months ago she started an EA [like you] and then honestly told me she had no feelings for me any more. [like you] a few days later after some digging I found out about the EA.

I said. End or leave.
She left.

This week the OM threw her under a bus to save his own marriage and what has she got..

50% access to her own children
A man who loved her has moved on and no longer wants her.She wants to come back..
Her children do not respect her.
She lives on her own with no support or love.
About 1/3 of her previous income
No savings because divorce resets to ZERO.

The grass is not greener on the other side. You are the problem, not your husband. You need to water the grass..

End it emotionally with the OM and stop sitting on the fence! There is no fence really. 
Talk to your husband about it. Be prepared for him to divorce you. Be prepared for him to collapse in a heap and be deeply unattractive. Be prepared for some serious fall out. You must not ever again contact the OM.

Block the OM's number or better still change your phone
Change your email address
Cancel Facebook account 

I won't write any more just yyet. Lets see if you want advice to save your marriage.. We get so many DS here who bail out..


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lmc said:


> For two years though, I had had a crush on a man. He also had a crush on me. We never spoke of it but you know, y'know? At Christmas, prior to our second business closing, he admitted his feelings to me. I reciprocated. For three months we have gone back and forth with our feelings. We never had sex....but a handful of make out sessions and lots of emailing. Hearts caught on fire. We fell for each other. At times though, it became too much and we would both call it off, but before long, we'd end up back in each other's arms. When he was in my life as my lover, I felt happy and fulfilled....it was the perfect relationship...he gave me the excitement and emotion and connection that's been missing from my marriage.
> 
> We have now reached the point where neither of us can do it anymore.
> 
> ...



You are engaging in what is called 'trickle truth' or not giving him the whole truth in order to protect yourself from the consequences of your betrayal. He deserves to know the whole truth so he can decide whether he can remain married to you or not. Right now, you are deliberately CONTROLLING the amount of information for YOUR self interests not his. If the roles were reversed, would you tolerate not just his cheating but his deliberate manipulation of you as well?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? How would you feel if your husband had a lover behind your back and refused to be honest with you and tell you the truth about what has been going on? I am sad for your husband because the fact that you still refuse to be honest with him about your cheating shows that you are still horribly disrespecting your husband and marriage, and still playing your husband for a fool. How can you not see this?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Lobster? What is that,a Phoebe reference from Friends? lol


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You lived in a secret life (although emotionally) with the OM. That is causing you a guilt and that is why you opened it - only to a limited way- to your H. If you were honest, you would have told the whole thing to your H.
Therefore, you are still not honest with your H.
With partial confessions, things wont work out. You will, in fact, do more damage to your H.

First - you went on an emotional affair with your OM.
Second - you did only partial disclosure, to protect yourself and your self-esteem. 

You seem to know what you are doing. So it is now your call to do what is right.

Spare your H.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey lmc-----you got much bigger problems, than you even know about---if you have changed your marital attitude---toward your H., and the mge, itself------You may not have "outed" yourself---but you are acting differently----and your H's gut may be talking to him

Also your own flesh and blood children, whose life you very well may be ruining, which you obviously haven't thought about, or care about---they may have picked up your change also

What was so F'ing wonderful about your lover---that you would consign your own children to court, lawyers, split homes, custody battles, and living apart, and forcing them away from their friends

Was your F'ing scum bag lover, so wonderful that you would do the above to your own children---or don't you give a RATS A*S, about your kids

Were his lips that wonderful---were they worth the nuclear winter of misery, you will eventually bring down on those who truly, and innocently loved you---and what do you give them back-----destruction of a mge., and a very possible horrible change of their life, as they once knew it.

You sure can't love them, because you F'ING knew what the consequences of your cheating would be for them----and yet off you went, having your little tryst's

How is it coming home night after night looking your H, in the eyes and telling him everything is fine---do you now enjoy CHEATING BY OMMISSION

The best thing you can do is for you to "out" yourself, and not let your H., hear of your cheating from another source----then hope and pray, he gives you the GREATEST GIFT YOU WILL EVER GET----A 2ND CHANCE!!!!!!!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You were actively in a love affair when your husband is trying to pick up the family's life after losing a second business?


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

What is the most important in this situation is the fact that you cheated on him during his most difficult times. When he was struggling to save the ship you had make up sessions with your OM, trying to seek excitement for yourself. Well y have to agree that this is not an honest and honorable behavior. Now y have to prove yourself and be honest to your H and your family. And do this with actions not verbally.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

they should change the saying-

when the going gets tough, your spouse cheats


OP- read the newbie link in my signature, perhaps you can learn from it, I hope you do


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