# Sex Nazi; No O for you!



## Wet-Hen (Apr 16, 2013)

Hi All, 

I'm new here. Glad I found this active forum. It's the most action I've seen in years, haha! Seriously though, I'm broken hearted and mad as hell. 

I'm 56 and have been married 27 years. We had problems from the beginning. It wasn't an ideal situation for either of us, both married before and a mixed family, but we felt strongly that we could make a good life together and for our kids. We are good parents but not good lovers. 

My H let me know right off the bat; (and these are all quotes)

He likes to get right to the action, no staring into each others eyes. 

Any sex outside of marriage is worse for a woman that a man because "she takes it into herself."

He thought I'd been hustled enough while single and I'd just be happy to have the bills paid. 

He didn't want to have to give me anything or do anything special for me before, in addition to or during sex because that would make him feel cheap, like he's have to pay for it. 

He doesn't want to hear my complaining, about not being satisfied or feeling loved on, because it makes him feel bad and sex isn't like that for him.


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I realized that I had just made a big mistake and I coudn't face failing again and hurting my family, so I tried to make it a project. I found my affection and purpose in my kids and kept busy as their mom. But I am all woman and was so sad and lonely. Every couple years this sexual dysfuntion would reach the breaking point and I'd buy a couple books or go talk to a pastor. I never got good answers about what was specifically happening in our bedroom. Mostly a bunch of well meaning but seriously uninformed male pastors telling me to be a more submissive wife, pray harder, etc. 

Finally got the nerve to look at some books with titles like, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, Why Does He Do That?, Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. Then I found out about the porn and 25 years of pain came into sharp focus. My hurt became anger. 

It's been three years since the porn bomb. He's "sorry" but I have no true disclosure of what he did and what's in his head. He cannot acknowledge the pain and loss of my sexual life during the years of my youth and beauty. Whenever we talk it always ends up with him blaming me for why he did or didn't do everything. He refuses to make amends and make a plan for reparation going forward. He does want to go forward but back to status quo. He won't get outside help, says it's between him and me. He did see a counselor for a time and did his own family of origin work. That's great and he needed to do that but all I hear is that he now knows why he did the things he did and doesn't bring problem solving ideas into the marriage circle. 

He is quiet, passive aggressive with implied threats involving weapons, witholding money, food, handyman help. He moved out of our bedoom 18 months ago, right after he stopped counseling. He avoids me by sleeping until worktime and then works until I am asleep. He has told me we need to live seperate lives but he doesn't want to file for a divorce. He is Mr. Wonderful to everyone but me. 

I don't know at this late stage if we could recover. He's only at step one after three years. 

I want to be kissed and pursued. I am still pretty and have some good years left. I don't want to make a big mistake and hurt myself and my family. I don't kinow how I would supprt myself. 

I am sad but really madder than a wet hen. 

What say you? 















.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Wet-Hen said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I'm new here. Glad I found this active forum. It's the most action I've seen in years, haha! Seriously though, I'm broken hearted and mad as hell.
> 
> ...


I know how you feel. Your physical beauty while it is not the most important thing in the world and youth being discarded or trashed for someone who's not going to give you what people have in a "normal" relationship. Not a great one either, you go into walmart and 80% of the people in there are having sexual relations, and not you?

Going through this thing with your current H is making you feel bad about yourself, is taking from your beauty, you have wasted a whole lot of years where you could have already started on another path by now and been in a better situation or a better life.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow, he sounds incredibly selfish, rude, controlling and abusive. How can you live like that? Have you ever sought out counseling for yourself to help you get the strength to leave him?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Honestly what an awful abusive man. You deserve better. I'm sure your children love you and want better for you.

You can't force him to do anything, but you can control yourself. Go and file for divorce, try document the abuse by emailing him with issues so there is a record. And move on with your life and have some fun. 
Good luck.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

This is the same man who "controls you financially"? Same answer as in the other thread... You've taught him what you'll accept, and that he can safely ignore your complaints. Except I'll add that he seems like a real ass.

C


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I know it is incredibly painful to face a divorce...but please, call your attorney.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I"m so sorry to read all of that.
After 27 years, it appears you have been separated for 18 months now. 

I kindly point this out, just as a nudge that he has decided. The statement about implied threats is very concerning, though. 

Not sure where you live? Could you be considered legally separated? Possibility. Just helps you mentally to know that, so you can move to the next step.


Which would be... legally if you cannot work, I'd think he would have to help you out a bit. Seek out the advice of a legal aid or social worker, see what programs there are for helping you get on your feet at this point. 

Are you wanting to try and work things out, or wanting to move on?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

He's emotionally immature. I imagine he's embarrassed about his sexuality and that's why he acts like he does. It's easier by himself. 

I feel bad for you, but why have you tolerated this so long?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Divorce him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This post made me incredibly sad. I see no love here at all. Surely after 27 years your kids are grown...I see no reason based on what you have posted, for you to stay in this. You have given up enough of your life to this awful man, and I think its time that you set yourself free. Nothing you will face on your own is worse than what you are dealing with in your marriage.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

I'm a little surprised you were foolish enough to marry him after he made it clear "right off the bat" exactly who he was and what he expected. You cannot change people, they have to want to change. 

Good luck with this one!


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## Wet-Hen (Apr 16, 2013)

PBear - You're right. With every capitulation the bar was set a little lower. Emotional abuse is like carbon monoxide poisoning; silent and deadly. It was hard for me to define because of the jekyll/hyde persona and how skilled he is at blameshifting. It's like Stockholm Syndrome. I lost my self esteem and self respect. We're head to head now and I'm standing in my truth.

Deejov - Thankyou for your caring response. I saw a lawyer who has 30 years in addiction work. As I told him a bit, and then apologized for my part, he stopped me quickly and told me I am being abused and have battered woman syndrome and PTSD. This lawyer has offered to help me a lot for a nominal fee. He told me I am reacting normally to trauma. I knew that, finally, but didn't think anyone else would. That was my diagnostic code for counseling, PTSD. I didn't want to sound dramatic but that's part of the syndrome, you get used to your level of abuse and don't recognize it for what it is. I am putting a support system together. That atty told me he would file for temporary support during a divorce. My h has threatened that he would not pay me spousal support and would go to jail first and that if someone wants to leave a marriage they should leave with nothing. I know that legally I am entitled to half our assets but I'm just telling you his mentality. I am afraid to go up against him. He used to threaten suicide and shoot off a gun to scare me. I don't think he will hurt me because he doesn't want to lose the respect of our kids. If we start a divorce, we will have to live separately to avoid the volatility. I would only be willing to stay and try to work this out if he were to take complete ownership for this by making all the initial big steps. I think you're right....he's already showed me what he's going to do. 

Anchorwatch - Right, I married an adolescent. I thought I could help him grow up. I feel bad for him but eventually, when things didn't improve, I started feeling bad for myself. He has a lot of issues sexually. Can't talk about it without going deer-in-the-headlights and breaking out in this horrible fear sweat. Didn't kiss me for 27 years. Just the sphincter peck on the way out the door. Didn't suck or cup my breasts until 15 years in. Wouldn't look at my kitty or stimulate me digitally - said he couldn't find it, there were too many folds down there. Wouldn't read an article or book. When I tried to tempt him by asking him what he'd like to do to me he about passed out and said, "We've pretty much done everything, from the front and back and side." When I told him I needed him to touch me, to caress my head and hair, he winced and haltingly reached over and patted my head like you might touch a mangy dog. He can't tell me anything in the moment. He will tell me three days later that I looked nice and he thought about having sex. He has told me he doesn't want to hear anything from me because his mother wouldn't listen to him when he told her. He hates women. Wants them and wants them to love him but is afraid he'll never get that love and so he sabotages himself. He he put me on an idealistic pedestal as his "wife" and "the mother of his kids" but resents me as a woman and my sexual power over him. I care, I fought a good fight but I can't win this war. 

How many of you men out there have these secret misogynistic feelings? 

Answering another question. Why did I stay so long? After the first few hard adjustment years, we settled into parenting and family life. We worked hard and were too busy too look at ourselves much. I thought we got through things. I thought we had just finished this big job and now we could plan our life alone. As soon as the kids moved out and I asked to work on our problems, the monster reared up again. I'm not supposed to speak up about anything. This time I knew I had to fight or die. 

LoriC - I didn't get all the bad news until the ink was dry. I knew enough to take a harder look though. Woulda, shoulda, coulda.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm glad you are see an attorney. I hope you move on with your life and have a full filing fun life.  

Also please stay in counselling so you can avoid the same mistakes a gain. 

Being with someone like that is awful, and you deserve so much more.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Wet-Hen said:


> How many of you men out there have these secret misogynistic feelings?


I cannot remember even a split second of my life having a misogynistic feeling. 

I cannot imagine any male _friends_ I have would have ever had any either.

But, in my 47 years, I have met a few men whose words and actions betrayed, perhaps, a misogynistic core.

No doubt these sorts of people exist. But, it's by no means common or normal. And you shouldn't accept it. You deserve much better.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Wet-Hen said:


> He has a lot of issues sexually. Can't talk about it without going deer-in-the-headlights and breaking out in this horrible fear sweat. Didn't kiss me for 27 years. Just the sphincter peck on the way out the door. Didn't suck or cup my breasts until 15 years in. Wouldn't look at my kitty or stimulate me digitally - said he couldn't find it, there were too many folds down there. Wouldn't read an article or book. When I tried to tempt him by asking him what he'd like to do to me he about passed out and said, "We've pretty much done everything, from the front and back and side." When I told him I needed him to touch me, to caress my head and hair, he winced and haltingly reached over and patted my head like you might touch a mangy dog. He can't tell me anything in the moment. He will tell me three days later that I looked nice and he thought about having sex. *He has told me he doesn't want to hear anything from me because his mother wouldn't listen to him when he told her. *He hates women. Wants them and wants them to love him but is afraid he'll never get that love and so he sabotages himself. He he put me on an idealistic pedestal as his "wife" and "the mother of his kids" but resents me as a woman and my sexual power over him. I care, I fought a good fight but I can't win this war.


I'm don't understand what you are saying there: "...because his mother wouldn't listen to him when he told her."

Told her what?
When? (Recently, or when he was a boy?)


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

HI Wet-hen, 

Interesting story. It sounds like you've tried everything you could to work out this marriage and have known for a long time that it's over, but a part of you wants it to work out. Sounds like your husband also knows about his issues with his mom, but is unwilling to work on it and treats you with that displaced and projected anger. Is this something that you want? 

Once you figure that out, it would be easier to take the next steps. 

I'm also thinking that if your husband feels there's no use giving an effort to you because of his mom issues and doesn't want to talk about it; I can't help if there's more. This ex I had seemed to care sexually in the beginning then over time just basically shut me out sexually and became an abusive monster 6 days after marriage along with his other addictions (gambling, porno, shopping, eating). All this stuff about his mother came out being molested as a kid by his own birth mother. I discovered more and more how he hated his mother so much and even me and women were just objects to be used for his own needs. I made a choice to leave and was fortunate to have family support to go to. I hope that whatever choice you have, you also have family and friend and colleague support.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> He refuses to make amends and make a plan for reparation going forward. He does want to go forward but back to status quo. He won't get outside help, says it's between him and me.


The above leaves you with only one other option. Divorce.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Wet-Hen said:


> Hi All,
> 
> ... with implied threats involving weapons,
> 
> ...


Stopped reading there.

Get out before the threats escalate to actions.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Your post says as much about you as your husband.

While it is absolutely clear to all of us that your husband is an abusive a$$hole, the question is, why have you stayed so long with such an obviously abusive man?

You need to go to counseling and get therapy to determine why you feel you aren't entitled to a healthy relationship and to be treated like a decent human being.

Everyone else is right on the money, you should not be in this relationship. It is toxic.

However, if you don't get treatment, you will either never leave, or end up in the exact same situation again once you are out.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

COguy said:


> Your post says as much about you as your husband.
> 
> While it is absolutely clear to all of us that your husband is an abusive a$$hole, the question is, why have you stayed so long with such an obviously abusive man?
> 
> ...


Getting treatment is a great suggestion for many of us who have been in these situations.

When you have been that close to someone for so long who is redefining and breaking respectable boundaries, digging into your human dignity and this is your norm. You kinda become molded to it.

Like they are saying, victims of abuse, become adapted to living in the abuse.

So it is likely you can leave the situation and it will recreate itself in the new situation. Either, you unconsciously seek out a similar person. Or you seek out one that is good for you but enable them and MAKE them to do you the same way.

It's crazy like that.

Yes, victims of PTSD, severe trauma's and stress should work with professionals who are experienced in these situations and can return the psyche of the affected closer to a healthy medium.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Wet-Hen said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I'm new here. Glad I found this active forum.
> .
> ...


I say stop and give yourself a hug, a pat on the back, for taking the first steps towards the life you deserve.

My gut tells me there's a part of you that has been telling you that YOU deserve a happy fulfilling life, but for whatever reason, you didn't let yourself hear it or didn't take the difficult steps forward to get you there. If so, I'm glad you seem to be hearing it now, and are trying to take some critical steps.

This place is full of advice from very smart and experienced people. But, recognize most are not trained helping professionals (I'm certainly not!), and our opportunities to connect are brief, and so (for me at least) sometimes the advice floods in too much at once, sometimes in an order or with an emphasis that you are not yet ready to , hear -- even when it's a very critical thing for you to learn.

Maybe this will sound sappy, dunno. But I think you should go out and buy yourself a small memento of this turning point, thus moment in your life, and make a promise to yourself to stop accepting less from this life than you deserve. When you see it sitting on your desk or whatever, let it remind yourself of this commitment, and that if you take courageous action then no matter what happens nothing is going to ever be the same.

Btw, I'm thrown off by the wet hen analogy. Guess I should google it. But I'm wondering if this is representative of how you presently feel:

http://youtu.be/Ao3FuGEGcU8

I hope so, because from your story I'd say its a healthy thing to let yourself feel!


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> Maybe this will sound sappy, dunno. But I think you should go out and buy yourself a small memento of this turning point, thus moment in your life, and make a promise to yourself to stop accepting less from this life than you deserve. When you see it sitting on your desk or whatever, let it remind yourself of this commitment, and that if you take courageous action then no matter what happens nothing is going to ever be the same.


I think this is a great idea for ANY of us who are brought to these message boards by similar situations. For some reason I thought of a sizeable rock, something interesting that would be placed in view.


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## Wet-Hen (Apr 16, 2013)

Piece of Sky says; 

I'm don't understand what you are saying there: "...because his mother wouldn't listen to him when he told her."

Told her what?
When? (Recently, or when he was a boy?) 


As a boy, my H experienced a lot of family violence. He also feels he was a victim of some emotional incest by his mother...her confiding adult issues with him in early adolescence. He has never admitted to sexual abuse from somewhere, but I suspect there was some foul play. He made early childhood vows to close up to avoid hurt. He saw a terrible example, by his grandparents marraige (neighbors), of mental, emotional and physical abuse to his grandmother and the children and then grandchildren. My h didn't know until counseling how abusive it was for him growing up and does not agree that his attitudes and behavior are also abusive. 

And thankyou for that virtual hug and the suggestion to create a marker for turning points. I am taking my power back. I do have some mental scripts I run when times are tough. When I felt so fearful and powerless to confront, I started imagining putting up a mirror to reflect the psycho back to him. I started saying my truth to him before I second guessed myself. I reach out to people rather than turn inward on myself. 

About the screen name. I regret that choice. I wanted something anonymous and I was mad when I found this site. It doesn't reflect who I am or who I intend to be. I'm going to change it and if I can't I'll resubscribe and let you know who I am!

I laughed my ass off at the youtube clip!!!!! Thankyou! Damn straight!


Hey Daddy LS, You have a soothing voice and a lot of life experience, O'm guessin'. 


Oceanbreeze, Sounds like you went for a ride in your marraige too. That switcheroo as soon as the deal is sealed is a very common tactic. Sounds like your ex was very hurt as a child and, as we all know, hurt people hurt people. I hope you are doing well in your life now. Thanks for chiming in.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Screen names can be changed I think, but you might have to send a request to the administrators. There is a thread containing FAQ/administrivia stuff somewhere that mentioned it.

So, I just googled to find out why wet hens might be mad, but made a wrong turn and learned there are in fact more chickens than people in the world. Guess its past my bedtime.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Wet-hen, I sent you a PM, in case you haven't noticed. No need to reply.

Take care!

P.s. I like the Sienfeld reference. Frightenly how many such references from that show could be made to events in my life. I have way too much in common with George ("But there was shrinkage!!!!", and the list goes on and on...)


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Wet-Hen said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I'm new here. Glad I found this active forum. It's the most action I've seen in years, haha! Seriously though, I'm broken hearted and mad as hell.
> 
> ...



Why wait this guy has real issues


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

There is no doubt at all that you should be getting a divorce, and this is decades overdue. Your husband is a sick man who you obviously couldn't help or save. You hung in there for a long time waiting for change, but it ain't happening. Stop wasting time and making excuses and get out of this farce marriage now. Everyone who knows and loves you will be so happy you finally found the balls to do it. Stay safe.


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