# And So It's Over...



## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

Hey guys, I'm glad to be back.

I posted awhile back about how I was moving in my my bf and his 5 year old. I'm 34, my bf is 39. 

I moved in with him in late July 2020. And, it all went downhill from there. Since then we've been fighting non-stop. We fight about me being unhappy that we have his son on ALL of our days off which is really tough because we're both nurses and I've been working on a COVID unit which has been really stressful. I want to be able to enjoy my days off but instead, I literally dread them because I know they will revolve around his son, we won't have time together or do anything fun together like go out for drinks/dinner or just be home alone enjoying ourselves. 

Our fights have gotten SO bad. All out blow outs on nearly all our days off. I was trying so hard to make myself be okay with dating someone with a kid. It was exhausting forcing myself to be someone I'm not. Like spending all my hours being a square peg trying desperately to fit myself into a round hole. Just. Doesn't. Work. 

I know it makes me somewhat of a monster to say the following things but, I really don't like his son. It's to the point where even being around him is equivalent to hearing nails on a chalkboard. His voice, him not listening, him interrupting us just grates on me in such a profound way. I've come to realize I never really wanted to deal with him, I just wanted my bf. But, it doesn't work that way, does it? My bf knows the gist of how I feel yet made no effort to make more time for us in a way that would've given us more of a chance. But then I think, what could he have done? I don't enjoy anything when his son is with us. In fact I'm as miserable as a person can be. I had a thought about a month ago, what if we get married and have a baby and I can't even enjoy my baby and being a first time mom because of his son? I really just want to start from scratch with someone. Plus his ex is really unpleasant and hostile. She has a huge attitude and my bf doesn't really see it. She just has to call every day and and do the pick up and drop offs at our place for the most part. I try to run errands to avoid her but she's always still here when I get back! Ugh. 

My bf has some very significant health issues as well. Enlarged liver and spleen, precancerous polyp in his colon, GI ulcers, Crohn's (he's on a steroid for that now), and just all out exhaustion from not sleeping enough. He sleeps 3 to 4 hours a night but won't go see a physician about it because he says he's been this way his whole life. He doesn't take care of himself at all. His body is breaking down. He says, "It hurts all over." nearly every day. I can't remember one day of our relationship when he wasn't tired. He never wants to do anything but sit on the couch and watch movies or play video games with his son within 2 feet of him at all times. I feel like I'm living in a private hell. I want to live! I want to travel and have spontaneous trips away and have dinner/drinks out. And even if we do get coverage for his son, my bf doesn't enjoy being out and we're usually bickering from built up resentments. I have a lot of those at this point. If I'm going to stand a chance at a long happy life with marriage and kids, I can't start off with someone so sick. What if we have a 2 year old and he can't work, or passes away. I don't want my life to be like that. 

I've never felt at home here. I feel like I'm just living in my bf and his son's apartment and a premade life I don't fit into. I really have no place at all here. I feel like I came into two people's lives and was just expected to assimilate to their lifestyle and abandon all my comforts, hopes and dreams. I feel so alone. 

We had a heart to heart a few nights ago where we agreed it's not going to work. We both cried. It was heartbreaking. It was that night that I left him, in my heart. Since then I've been gone in every way and my physical body is the only thing that has stayed. I know when my relationships end, deep down inside. I know the feeling. The sick, sinking feeling of letting go. And it hasn't stopped since that night. 

But at the same time I feel really relieved because I can't wait to be out on my own again, living in a place I actually like, back in my zone. I can't wait to date again when I'm ready and make better choices. I'm so excited for the future but I'm also feeling so so guilty. Besides my bf's health issues and his son he is my dream man. He is the first man to treat me like absolute gold every single day. He is the most kind, patient funny man I've ever met. I will miss him so very much and it will be hard to find another man who treats me as well as he did. He has a heart of gold, not a bad bone in his body. I already miss him so much it hurts. And when he inevitably gets sick, who will be there to take care of him and call his physician for him and make him soup and rub his back? Ugh, feel so sick and guilty. He deserves that. He deserves to be taken care of. 

In order to move out I need to pay off quite a few large bills and save up for a security deposit so that will take time. It's killing me to be here when I'm done in my heart yet have to still be here. It's like torture. It really is. Feel like I'm crawling in my skin. Aching and yearning to leave. I left my beautiful house in the country for this...to live in a crappy apartment in a bad area with a kid I don't like, an ex I don't like and no life whatsoever. 

Despite our talk, my bf doesn't really know it's over. And I don't feel I need to tell him yet because it will be quite a while until I leave. I just don't want to hurt him and make him uncomfortable when I'm a ways away from leaving. But I'm really distancing myself from him and have been much more quiet than usual so he knows something is up. No more sex either, I don't want to. I'm not a dishonest person so it kills me because I feel like I'm lying to him every day. We work in the same building and he comes down to my unit to see me, he's been doing that a lot more frequently because I think he's trying to hold on. 

I have to save up for a new place and moving costs. Believe it or not, RNs don't make a crazy high income where I live. So for now I'm stuck here and I can't tell you how hard that's been. Feel like I'm in purgatory because mentally I'm done but physically I can't leave yet. It's a special kind of torment. Still pay my half of the bills of course. 

I just CANNOT believe I'm 34 and want marriage and kids and I'm at the tail end of yet another failed relationship! Oh God. Whyyyyy must this continue to happen time and time again?! Well, I know why I guess. I shouldn't have gotten into this but my bf was so wonderful and I guess I just had to try. Don't we all? I just feel that in my heart I'm to tired for this s**t and just want to settle down and call it a day. Not because I'm desperate for that but because at 34, isn't enough, enough? 

So defeated.... just at yet another loss


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

nursekat said:


> Don't we all?


Yep. We all do.
Hopium springs eternal.



nursekat said:


> It was exhausting forcing myself to be someone I'm not.


In the long term, that's what ruins marriages. One partner has to sacrifice too much. Sex, money, child care (especially sacrificial in blended families). At 34, you still have time...... adjust your "picker".... there probably aren't a lot of men at age 34 who don't have kids, but it sounds like this is the highest criterion. Don't pick one with any kids. Don't pick one with "exes", either. Get a younger guy that doesn't have baggage.



nursekat said:


> If I'm going to stand a chance at a long happy life with marriage and kids, I can't start off with someone so sick. What if we have a 2 year old and he can't work, or passes away. I don't want my life to be like that.


Yep, sick is not the way to go, either. However, I didn't start with "sick", and have survived the deaths of 2 wives and 3 children. Life. Forrest Gump's mom said "death is just a part of life".... and "life is like a box of chocolates"..... you really don't have to start with "sick" in order to get it. 

My current wife didn't start with "sick", neither did my SIL, neither did my BIL. But all of them had "sick", two of them survived their spouse's death. My wife will, too.... most likely.......



nursekat said:


> And when he inevitably gets sick, who will be there to take care of him and call his physician for him and make him soup and rub his back?
> 
> I just don't want to hurt him


As an RN, you understand the inevitability. My advice, keep things like you have them. Get out as soon as possible. His health is HIS OWN responsibility, don't make him an albatross.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

Thanks so much for this 

I did build up resentments about the sacrifices I made, significant resentments towards my bf and his son (sad to say) because I feel like I gave up my whole world and everything I enjoyed to be in the relationship. I didn't think it would be that way going into it and I don't blame anyone, I chose to move in. But my bf would tell me, "What sacrifices did you really make? You don't have to do anything for him." And internally I though, "Ummm, how about enjoying my life, my hard earned days off and my partner?" 

In the end it was just wayyyy too much baggage to take on. I mean we have him on all our days off. Pretty sure even women who really like kids might have an issue with that because they too still need time with their man. Plus, the ex. Just a huge mess in general, the whole thing. 

I did do online dating briefly right before my bf and there were some good quality guys in the age range I was looking for with no kids. Avoiding dating single dads will definitely narrow the dating pool but it's a must for me. I do feel a little better about getting older and not having met my dude yet though. Because at the end of the day it does take time and I have to take my time with it or I'll end up with another failed relationship. Plus I'm so excited to be on my own in a wonderful place again. I'm going to enjoy it


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am not sure what you expected to be honest, the child is 5 years old, children need attention and any decent parent will be, well, a decent parent. If you dont want children around then dont date a man with children. The poor kid has already been messed about enough in his short life, to have a woman move in who doesnt like him and resents him and resents the time his own dad spends with him as well as the constant rows, wow, poor little kid.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

nursekat said:


> Despite our talk, my bf doesn't really know it's over. And I don't feel I need to tell him yet because it will be quite a while until I leave. I just don't want to hurt him and make him uncomfortable when I'm a ways away from leaving. But I'm really distancing myself from him and have been much more quiet than usual so he knows something is up. No more sex either, I don't want to. I'm not a dishonest person so it kills me because I feel like I'm lying to him every day. We work in the same building and he comes down to my unit to see me, he's been doing that a lot more frequently because I think he's trying to hold on.


So he has no idea that you're leaving?? Omg you HAVE to tell him! What you're doing is just terrible! He deserves to know.

Nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone with kids, not everyone is cut out to be a step parent, it's not for the faint of heart that's for sure. I too am puzzled as to what exactly you expected when you moved in though? The child is 5 years old.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

nursekat said:


> But my bf would tell me, "What sacrifices did you really make? You don't have to do anything for him."
> 
> I feel like I gave up my whole world and everything I enjoyed to be in the relationship.


Now, I encourage you, get out as soon as you can. If your bf does not recognize the sacrifice of your "fresh start" family and of your "just us" time..... he is not a good long-term candidate, no matter how "nice" and "funny" he is. Believe me..... when he gets really sick and you have to take care of them both, with his sense of entitlement ?

You do, indeed, EARN your days off. If you stay where you are, you will get none. NONE.



nursekat said:


> his ex is really unpleasant and hostile.


Maybe you might understand this as a "red flag".... maybe I can speculate as to "why" she is...... sounds like she "gave up" her "whole world"....no matter the reason, she is going to be a "thorn in the flesh" for another decade and a half until that boy grows up ......



frusdil said:


> Nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone with kids


Absolutely right.....



nursekat said:


> Avoiding dating single dads will definitely narrow the dating pool but it's a must for me.


Yep. Must. Drop any who aren't single men, no kids, within 20 minutes of finding out they're not. No exes. Not even if all of them live in Texas.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

nursekat said:


> Thanks so much for this
> 
> I did build up resentments about the sacrifices I made, significant resentments towards my bf and his son (sad to say) because I feel like I gave up my whole world and everything I enjoyed to be in the relationship. I didn't think it would be that way going into it and I don't blame anyone, I chose to move in. But my bf would tell me, "What sacrifices did you really make? You don't have to do anything for him." And internally I though, "Ummm, how about enjoying my life, my hard earned days off and my partner?"
> 
> ...


Many parents have their children full time, thats what being a parent is.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think his son is an unfortunate target for your negative feelings toward your bf.

Contrary to your claim he isn’t a dream guy. In fact, he's poor partner material right now. He has a demanding job with a 5 year old and a high conflict ex with which he has poor boundaries. What he needs is a nanny and possibly a nurse as his health issues get worse.

He doesn't need and can't handle a relationship and is a terrible prospect to start a new marriage and family with.

I agree you should get out ASAP. And I would tell him you'll be moving out unless you think he'll go nuts, which it doesn't sound like he will. Let him start to process this too.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Dating and love making is a test and a trial run.

You moved in.
You moved in too soon.
You did the trial-by-fire version of a long term relationship.
You got shot, burned, and are now, bitter.
You tried and failed.
You gave a sickly and hurting man, an abused man, a chance, and HE failed.

Pick yourself up, dust off your stockings, and move out and onward.

Quit being angry and bitter at him. He has it far worse than (a good number) of American men who walk the Earth.

His health issues and work issues, and ex wife issues has broken him. Don't add any more of your destruction.

Yes, he could help (more) of his issues, he doesn't. I suspect a proper diet can turn him around in a few months.

He is likely suffering from depression and could use some medication, there also.
Physically, he mainly has food issues, as I see it.
Mentally, he is beaten down and does not know the extent.

You have both learned from this experience, you both got out alive.
A good thing!

You are a very smart lady, just leave him in peace.



_Are Dee-_


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I have compassion and empathy for you, I really do.

But what in the world would make you move in with a man who has a 5 yo, if you didn't want to have a child in your life period?

The man would obviously want his son in his life and if he didn't would be branded by others as a bad father. You and only you put him in this position. 

You owe it to him to tell him you're leaving now that you've decided and look forward to life without him.

If you stay now, only to pay off your bills leveraging his money, time and resources that only makes you a cake eater.

No one is perfect and sometimes we all end up in spots we don't like so truly much empathy for you, take courage and do the right thing.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

So this guy, who is facing possibly life ending issues wants to spend as much time with us 5 year old son and your talking about being unhappy because you can’t spontaneously travel? Why did you hook up and then move in with a man with a child if being a step mom is not in the cards for you. 

If you would have been a guy posting about not wanting to stay with a single mom and then continue to use her by staying at her place to allow you time to get your ducks ina row or line up another women, and also sexually or financially cutting her off, the responses would be so different.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

I didn't think I was going to have an issue with his son when I moved in. I had a goal that we would be a happy family and I would love his son as my own. Otherwise I wouldn't have moved in. 

I financially and psychically can't move out right now because there are no adequate rental properties open and I don't have enough money saved. I am picking up extra shifts but let's be real, moving taking time money and planning. It doesn't happen over night and in some cases can take awhile. In the meantime I pay half the bills here and stay out of everyone's hair. Plenty of people have to cohabitate during a break up. It sucks but sometimes you don't have any other choice. Not an uncommon thing to happen. 

I really do feel if I told him now, it would only hurt him more. To be forced to have to live with the person who is leaving him. I honestly see no benefit in telling him until a few weeks before I move out. And my benefit I mean, going about this in a way as to hurt him as little as possible.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

nursekat said:


> I didn't think I was going to have an issue with his son when I moved in. I had a goal that we would be a happy family and I would love his son as my own. Otherwise I wouldn't have moved in.
> 
> I financially and psychically can't move out right now because there are no adequate rental properties open and I don't have enough money saved. I am picking up extra shifts but let's be real, moving taking time money and planning. It doesn't happen over night and in some cases can take awhile. In the meantime I pay half the bills here and stay out of everyone's hair. Plenty of people have to cohabitate during a break up. It sucks but sometimes you don't have any other choice. Not an uncommon thing to happen.
> 
> I really do feel if I told him now, it would only hurt him more. To be forced to have to live with the person who is leaving him. I honestly see no benefit in telling him until a few weeks before I move out. And my benefit I mean, going about this in a way as to hurt him as little as possible.


If you truly want to do the right thing, tell him now.
If you don't tell him now, that really shows poor character. Come on, do the right thing. It will be easier on not just him, but you too.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

nursekat said:


> Plenty of people have to cohabitate during a break up. It sucks but sometimes you don't have any other choice. Not an uncommon thing to happen.


Yes but those people usually know they've broken up, your boyfriend doesn't. What you're doing is despicable. You need to tell him, not doing so is purely for your benefit, not his.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It’s dumb to try to keep someone else warm by setting yourself on fire. 

For future reference, don’t get involved with someone that has kids. 

There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with getting with someone with kids but it will always involve a greater degree of complexity, limitations and problems to the situation. There is no way that it won’t. It will 100% of the time cause more complexity and trouble in your life for no added benefit to you.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

nursekat said:


> ...
> 
> I just CANNOT believe I'm 34 and want marriage and kids and I'm at the tail end of yet another failed relationship! Oh God. Whyyyyy must this continue to happen time and time again?! Well, I know why I guess. I shouldn't have gotten into this but my bf was so wonderful and I guess I just had to try. Don't we all? I just feel that in my heart I'm to tired for this s**t and just want to settle down and call it a day. Not because I'm desperate for that but because at 34, isn't enough, enough?
> 
> So defeated.... just at yet another loss


Sounds like you figured he'd choose you over his son (or you'd force him to), and it didn't go as planned. Good for him for not doing that. Don't try to make yourself the victim here. 

I think the last thing you need is to settle down... honestly, it doesn't sound like you're ready for that. Or at least not for the "having kids" part of it, which requires you to put your own wants and needs behind the wants and needs of your kid(s) for the foreseeable future.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> It’s dumb to try to keep someone else warm by setting yourself on fire.
> 
> For future reference, don’t get involved with someone that has kids.
> 
> There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with getting with someone with kids but it will always involve a greater degree of complexity, limitations and problems to the situation. There is no way that it won’t. It will 100% of the time cause more complexity and trouble in your life for no added benefit to you.


This is all true, but I don't agree with the "no added benefit" part. I know lots of step-parents and step-kids that have great relationships, and willingly remain in eachother's lives even into adulthood... even when their birth parents divorce the step-parent. Some people _like _raising kids and being around them. 

That's neither good nor bad; I'm not making a moral judgment here. It's okay if others don't want to be parents, but they need to be mature enough to acknowledge that, and be up front about it with potential partners.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TomNebraska said:


> This is all true, but I don't agree with the "no added benefit" part. I know lots of step-parents and step-kids that have great relationships, and willingly remain in eachother's lives even into adulthood... even when their birth parents divorce the step-parent. Some people _like _raising kids and being around them.
> 
> That's neither good nor bad; I'm not making a moral judgment here. It's okay if others don't want to be parents, but they need to be mature enough to acknowledge that, and be up front about it with potential partners.


There’s no benefit to raising someone else’s children. 

Some situations suck less and less troublesome than others and some people have a higher tolerance of kids. 

Some step parents and step children even like each other and get along pretty well.

But there’s no added benefit of getting with someone that has kids from a previous relationship vs someone that doesn’t have kids. 

there’s no trophy for you at the finish line for raising someone else’s child.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> There’s no benefit to raising someone else’s children.
> 
> Some situations suck less and less troublesome than others and some people have a higher tolerance of kids.
> 
> ...


Some people find the love and affection that comes from parenting a child to be a benefit, or find satisfaction from supporting their partner & that includes supporting their partner's children. Pretty wild, huh?

To use a related but different example, why do people ever adopt children? They obviously feel there's a benefit there. Yet they're raising another person's child.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TomNebraska said:


> Some people find the love and affection that comes from parenting a child to be a benefit, or find satisfaction from supporting their partner & that includes supporting their partner's children. Pretty wild, huh?
> 
> To use a related but different example, why do people ever adopt children? They obviously feel there's a benefit there. Yet they're raising another person's child.


In adoption they are choosing to adopt a child for the sake of raising a child. Most are already in an established relationship or marriage. 

That is different than having a child coming along as part of the package with the partner. 

My point is that there is no additional benefit for getting into a relationship with someone that has kids vs someone that doesn’t.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> ...
> 
> My point is that there is no additional benefit for getting into a relationship with someone that has kids vs someone that doesn’t.


And my point is that some view the love and affection that can come from being a step-parent to be a benefit. So we'll just have to agree to disagree...

Also - and this one I've heard directly from women - they viewed a guy who stayed involved in his kid(s)' lives post divorce as a more dedicated and reliable partner for them than one that would, say, abandon his family and ignore them. So they were willing to accept his kids being part of the equation. 

This was only a benefit to them in that it helped them feel secure taking the next step and settling down with him. It wasn't a material benefit like "more vacations" or "more money for me" though. 

Personally, I think the same thing goes for men looking at a long term relationship with a woman. If I met a woman who had kids she never saw anymore (or lost custody of) that would be a huge red flag to me.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Oh nursekat, you may want to re-think having kids if this:



nursekat said:


> His voice, him not listening, him interrupting us just grates on me in such a profound way.


Is all it takes to cause daily blow outs. This is what all 5-year-olds do. Not listening starts at about the age of 2 and they call it the "Terrible Twos" for a reason. If you think this is bad, just wait until you're up for the 15th time in 3 hrs with a wailing newborn or you have another knock down drag out fight with your toddler over why they can't have ice cream at 2 am for the third time this week. Or your kid has a full on melt down because you turned left instead of right when in the car. BTDT. I hope for your sake lifeistooshort is right and that you're projecting because if this alone is unbearable to you, you won't survive raising your own. Do you really even like kids or do you just like the idea of them? Are you really prepared for several years of disturbed sleep, vomit, crying, interrupting, frequent plan changes, and whining or are you just thinking of those rare picture perfect moments? This is a great opportunity to explore why exactly you couldn't handle some of the most basic, common, and easily ignored aspects of a young child and if it's a problem within yourself or a problem exasperated by your XBF and projected onto the child.



nursekat said:


> I just CANNOT believe I'm 34 and want marriage and kids and I'm at the tail end of yet another failed relationship! Oh God. Whyyyyy must this continue to happen time and time again?! Well, I know why I guess. I shouldn't have gotten into this but my bf was so wonderful and I guess I just had to try.


See, you know exactly why. You could've been in a successful relationship right now if you hadn't wasted all this time on your XBF. Next time don't try. Simply move on and find someone else.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

There is a vast difference between trying to raise a child you don't even want in your life who you don't even like vs raising your own child who you love and want to bring into the world. 

The reason why I was so irritated by my bf's son is because I unintentionally viewed him as competition and a nuisance. So of course everything that he did, whether it was normal or not, grated on me. 

I have a friend who dated a guy with a kid and she didn't like the kid either. She was annoyed all the time, never bonded with her. And then she went on to start her own family with a new man and she's a great mom. When children are your own you have an instinctive love for them which means you overlook thing that other might find annoying, you want to see them happy, you want to be there for them. When you date someone with a kid you have none of that. You just have an extra burden you don't really want to take on but have to. An extra burden who strains your relationship and ultimately causes the demise of what you wanted. I don't think there's much love for that. 

I'll get put on blast for all this, I'm sure. But I'm really just trying to be honest and voice my perspective. 

I don't at all expect my kids to be angels and I don't think there won't be tough times. I'm a nurse, I'm built for those but also, the biggest difference with be there will be my own kids which means I'll make the conscious decision to have them and care for them because that's what I WANT. I didn't WANT by bf's son. 

IMO, for me, there is no reward to stepparenting and the differences for me, for how I'll feel about my own kids vs stepkids are incomparable. It's 100% negatives across the board with step parenting.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

*UPDATE*
I told my bf tonight

I'm currently sobbing so bear with me. I told him I was going to move out. He was so, so kind about it. He told me he knew. When we stopped having sex and with me being distant. He knew. We cried and hugged each other. I thanked him for being so sacrificial in attempt to make this work. I thanked him for doing everything he did. We even talked about my financial situation and when I can move out. He said he would help me move but I respect him too much to let him do anything but heal. I told him that. I told him how could I ever find anyone as kind and wonderful as him? We cried and laughed during the breaks of crying. I told him I didn't want to hide anything from him. I didn't know if it was better if I told him sooner or later. He said he knew anyway. 

I told him how I've been hearing people say that because I couldn't handle his kid, that I'm not meant to be a mom and wouldn't be good to my kids. How that was breaking my heart. He hugged me and told me his son vs my kids will be two very different things and I would be a great mom. How can I say goodbye to this man? The kindest man. 

We laughed about inside jokes. We cried about letting go. I told him I was crawling in my skin being here but I would miss him so much. He told me he could tell. That I seemed like a compressed coil. I asked him, how is it going to be with us now? He said we will continue on how we have been the past 3 weeks. We will love each other before we say goodbye.

Break ups are so much harder when you really love each other and the only reason why you're leaving is because of external circumstances 

I tucked him into bed as he wasn't feeling well. I kissed him and then kissed him on his forehead. We both said, "Good night babe, I love you." 

And that was that and now I am turning into a pile of tears on the couch


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

nursekat said:


> when you really love each other and the only reason why you're leaving is because of external circumstances


You have options.

What would it take to fix the "external circumstances"..... like, you don't live there anymore..... but you continue the relationship.

That seems like a "win-win" to me..... you get "the kindest man", he gets time with his son, you don't have to be "stepmom", you both get time with each other....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TJW said:


> You have options.
> 
> What would it take to fix the "external circumstances"..... like, you don't live there anymore..... but you continue the relationship.
> 
> That seems like a "win-win" to me..... you get "the kindest man", he gets time with his son, you don't have to be "stepmom", you both get time with each other....


That was my thought as well, but I think in her case it won't work because she wants to move towards marriage and kids.

One of the reasons blended families are so tough is because the step parent has to deal with the kid but doesn't have the same say in setting and enforcing rules as the bio parent. If you're going to bring in another partner they need to be fully integrated, and if you're not ready for that they don't move in.

It strikes me that this is what happened here. Kat moved in but was never fully integrated, so she was in a position of having to put up with a 5 year old she had no input with.

If marriage and kids wasn't her goal I'd say they should just live apart, but in her case its better to cut ties and look for a better fit.

And some people just aren't cut out to be steps. I know I never was. My bf doesn't have kids but if he did they'd have to be grown or close to it for me to consider it.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

nursekat said:


> ...
> 
> I told him how I've been hearing people say that because I couldn't handle his kid, that I'm not meant to be a mom and wouldn't be good to my kids. How that was breaking my heart.
> 
> ...


we said that because you posted about being frustrated with a 5-year-old kid who did nothing wrong - other than exist -and how that inconvenienced your plans to have fun. 

A lot of people here have kids, and are used to going *months* without a fun weekend out, or trip to get away... or have endured a lot worse than that. You're not going to find a lot of sympathy for your specific situation in a place like TAM 

...but it sounds like you did the right thing with your BF here. good luck going forward.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> ...
> 
> And some people just aren't cut out to be steps. I know I never was. My bf doesn't have kids but if he did they'd have to be grown or close to it for me to consider it.


This is true, but to me, it depends on how the bio parent frames it. 

"you're joining our family, and don't forget that" ... doesn't leave a lot of space for the step-parent

"let's build a new family together" ... is more accommodating. 

But obviously in neither case will it work if the step is pushy about "who's needs come first." Obviously the kids' needs do, to the extent they can't fulfill those needs themselves yet.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> There’s no benefit to raising someone else’s children.
> 
> Some situations suck less and less troublesome than others and some people have a higher tolerance of kids.
> 
> ...


To be fair I didn't "raise" my stepdaughter per se but I've been in her life for 9 years--some of the most important ones IMHO. From age 12-21 so far. Those years are so awkward. We love each other a lot. Her mother is a narcissistic bully and my stepdaughter has had to go no contact with her twice now. I feel so bad for her.

I'm child-free by choice. But I don't hate kids. I think they are funny and entertaining human beings. My stepdaughter adds such richness to my life. My H says I've been the mother she's never had.

I still have the letter where she first tells me she loves me.

That's a pretty damn good benefit in my eyes.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

@nursekat you did the right thing by telling him. I'm hopeful you can move through this. I know it's hard to set rules for yourself, let alone follow them when it comes to relationships. But let this be a learning experience for you.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

As one poster mentioned, I wouldn't consider staying together but living apart. I want marriage and kids. While I won't rush that, I don't have time to waste with a dead end relationship. I wouldn't get the future I want out of it. 

I love my bf, now ex very much but despite loving him, we're really not compatible in terms of what I need from a long term partner. 

It's not only that I wasn't integrated into my ex and his son's lives, the real issue was that I wanted to start from scratch with someone. I don't want an extra kid in the mix who I really don't want around when I'm trying to start a family and raise my own child. I always thought about the issues that would arise with doing just that. My ex's son spent the entire day and night playing video games, eating junk, no chores, no rules. How would that effect my kid who I wouldn't want raised like that?


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

TomNebraska said:


> we said that because you posted about being frustrated with a 5-year-old kid who did nothing wrong - other than exist -and how that inconvenienced your plans to have fun.
> 
> A lot of people here have kids, and are used to going *months* without a fun weekend out, or trip to get away... or have endured a lot worse than that. You're not going to find a lot of sympathy for your specific situation in a place like TAM
> 
> ...but it sounds like you did the right thing with your BF here. good luck going forward.


The difference is, those people want their kids. So those sacrifices and adaptations are easier to make. I didn't want my ex's kid.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I applaud you for telling your stbx. He responded to you in a very gracious and loving way, which is a sharp contrast with how you were plotting against him. Now you need to move expeditiously on getting out on your own. It’s not right for his resources to subsidize your exit strategy.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm glad you were honest with your BF. It's a shame you feel so strongly about his child. I wish you luck in finding what you're looking for and I hope parenting your own child goes as smoothly as you imagine it will.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

nursekat said:


> The difference is, those people want their kids. So those sacrifices and adaptations are easier to make. I didn't want my ex's kid.


in the end you did the right thing.

you recognized relationship issues, decided it wasn't something you could live with, and owned the decision to move forward. 

it's good your Ex appreciated this as well, and wasn't bitter, or trying to blame you. Hope he learns to maintain better boundaries with his XW


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

jsmart said:


> I applaud you for telling your stbx. He responded to you in a very gracious and loving way, which is a sharp contrast with how you were plotting against him. Now you need to move expeditiously on getting out on your own. It’s not right for his resources to subsidize your exit strategy.


I'm actually helping him save money but living there. I pay half the bills. He doesn't have a problem with it and of course I'm moving as fast as I can to move. 

I wasn't plotting anything. I was carefully weighing what would hurt him more and what would hurt him less and proceed from there.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TJW said:


> You have options.
> 
> What would it take to fix the "external circumstances"..... like, you don't live there anymore..... but you continue the relationship.
> 
> That seems like a "win-win" to me..... you get "the kindest man", he gets time with his son, you don't have to be "stepmom", you both get time with each other....


If she is wanting a spouse and kids if her own, then this is a poor idea as all it will do is keep her off the dating market that much longer as her marketability to men who may want a family and her fertility decline.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Long time TAM'ers will know that I am a stepmum. When I met my husband he had a small daughter, who is now in her late teens. She has lived with us full time, her mothers choice, since she was 11. I have raised her, along with my husband, including home schooling her as she has Aspergers. She is the light of my life. Of all the things my husband brought to my life, apart from himself obviously, she is the best part. My husband too says that I am the best Mum she's ever had.

Being a step parent though is a tough gig, and there are many horror stories out there, both of cruel step parents and of enabling bio parents where the step never stood a chance. 

Kudos to the OP for realising that she's not cut out to be a step parent, and ending things honestly and lovingly with her partner. It really is the best thing for everyone, especially the child.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

frusdil said:


> Long time TAM'ers will know that I am a stepmum. When I met my husband he had a small daughter, who is now in her late teens. She has lived with us full time, her mothers choice, since she was 11. I have raised her, along with my husband, including home schooling her as she has Aspergers. She is the light of my life. Of all the things my husband brought to my life, apart from himself obviously, she is the best part. My husband too says that I am the best Mum she's ever had.
> 
> Being a step parent though is a tough gig, and there are many horror stories out there, both of cruel step parents and of enabling bio parents where the step never stood a chance.
> 
> Kudos to the OP for realising that she's not cut out to be a step parent, and ending things honestly and lovingly with her partner. It really is the best thing for everyone, especially the child.


You seem wonderful. Best of luck to you and your fam. Your step daughter is lucky to have you. 

Thanks for the kind post


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

*Update*

Thanks so much for the validation

I guess our love and respect for each other was never the problem. We still kiss and cuddle. Sad and ripped up that we're ending because of reasons outside of our control. I still find it so bittersweet that we can end it like this. As friends, as companions, as people who truly want the best for each other to the point where even now we can't help but love each other until we can't anymore when we physically part ways.

It's a beautifully tragic ending. 

So there's some good and bad news. I finally got in touch with my old landlord. The woman who owned my last place. It's a tiny house nested in a small wooded neighborhood. The house was perfect. It was bright, quiet and clean. I had the whole place to myself. No close neighbors. No noise besides birds in the morning and the tree frogs and bull frogs at night. A huge backyard with a trail behind it leading to a little oasis consisting of a small pond with a bridge. Trees leaning over it with circle of sun above. Inside the house, a bay window and an open floor plan. My cats loved that window. My thoughts and my life were inhibited, all that free space to myself. The energy was amazing. I stayed up so late to dance around listening to music and then going out to the deck to listen to the tiny night creatures that engulfed the yard. My dreams flowed there. Felt like I had the whole world at my feet. And?...

I get to move back in. But, not until July 1st. 

So, that means I'll have to find a month to month lease until then which is what I'm working on now. 2 moves will really suck with all the stuff I have and I'm not looking forward to have to live in temporary not so great place but honestly? I'll do anything to get back to that dream of a house. 

When I first moved into my bf's place., a concrete jungle of an apartment. I cried for months about leaving my quiet country house behind. I can't express the gratitude I have in my heart that I'll be back there soon.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

nursekat said:


> Break ups are so much harder when you really love each other and the only reason why you're leaving is because of external circumstances


I don't think that's true, and you should probably be honest with yourself because it will help your healing, and your next relationship hunt. You're leaving because:

You prefer living in the country to the city.
You prefer to be more active than your boyfriend is.
You don't like how your boyfriend doesn't address his health problems.
You don't like how your boyfriend parents.
You don't like having stepchildren.
Those are all internal circumstances to either your boyfriend or you. You may have loved some parts of him, but your experiment about moving in taught you that those didn't make up for the ones you didn't love. That's the whole point of cohabitating before marriage, to figure these things out. Although, I suspect you knew those things before cohabitating, and just, what, ignored them?

I'd say most of those issues would still be there in that relationship, even without the presence of the stepson.

You have hopefully learned some important lessons about yourself. It's too bad your boyfriend has to suffer so much while you learn it. But that little boy will be better off than being in a home with someone who resents him instead of loving him.


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