# So it feels like I have no one to get through this with



## The Sensational (Jul 25, 2009)

So it has been a year and a couple months my wife cheated on me. We're still together and I've been busting my ass to get over it so this wont hang over her head and stress her out as a relationship won't last if the person can't get over it. I think I have made huge strides, and my wife as well. She's done a lot.

The problem though happened yesterday. She talked to one of her work friends about this and I hate when she tells people. The more people who she tells, the more I feel like it means less to her, like it's over with it. I can't tell anyone because I don't want to deal with my family and friends hating her, which they will. 

Also she feels like our relationship won't last and she'll be drained if I dont get over it or always hang it over her head. This makes me so angry. I have to rush and hurry to get over this when I was sitting at home, alone, while she was drunk and planning the whole day to have sex with the person she did it with. How is it that they both dont have to rush and fight for their relationship? Why am I the one who needs to rush through it. 

I thought I was doing well in progressing and her saying what she did yesterday feels like it was nothing, I haven't progressed enough. I'm not working hard enough. It was being with her that I was able to work harder and with her as a helper, I felt I would be able to overcome, now it feels like I'm all alone. How is it that she had sex with another guy and I'm the one who has to deal with it faster?

Am I wrong for being mean? And I apologize for this being so long.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It's been a year and a couple of months. How has she acted since then? Is she an open book? Do you have trust issues with her in regard to her behavior TODAY - other than her talking about it to other people?

See if there is anything specific that is holding you back from finally letting it go and talk to her about that. 

If it's just that you are reminded from time to time and bring it up, even though it seems that she is doing everything possible to recover with you, then you might want to stop talking with her about it and talk to a counselor instead to help finally move on from such a bad time.


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## The Sensational (Jul 25, 2009)

I don't talk to her about it, except somethings will remind me of that day, and I'll get quiet. She'll ask me what's wrong and I say that it's just the day. But other than that I rarely bring it up and what not. Just places, and clothes she wears remind me. 

We talked with a counselor for months, and it seemed to do nothing.

Like I said, I feel like I'm making great progress, it just feels like it's not fast enough for her.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Sometimes it's the counselor, not the counseling. Some couples go through 1/2 a dozen before they find one that fits.

Most men have a much harder time getting over affairs than women do. I give you kudos for hanging in there. She does need to respect your feelings better. If you don't want it talked about, then that really needs to be respected. I would question if she really is doing everything possible to make this work, or if she's just expecting you to do it all.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> ...She talked to one of her work friends about this and I hate when she tells people. The more people who she tells, the more I feel like it means less to her, like it's over with it. I can't tell anyone because I don't want to deal with my family and friends hating her, which they will.


What exactly is she telling people? Is she telling people she had an affair, and that it is over and she is working on the marriage with you? Is she telling people you are always glum and depressed? 

As for your family 'hating' her, etc... who did you marry, your family or her? _They can get over it._ They are always your family, no matter what. Your marriage will _not _ survive unless you change the way you approach it.



> Also she feels like our relationship won't last and she'll be drained if I dont get over it or always hang it over her head.


There's a specific reason for what she says. She is right. If you want your marriage to work, you should heed her. What she is saying are _warning signs. _ Heed them now!

Love in a marriage is like a campfire. If you add wood to the fire, you build it up. In the marriage, the things you do that create feelings of love are the wood added to the fire. If you dump water on the fire, you kill it. The things you do in a marriage that destroy love are those buckets of water. You are dumping water on the fire by your actions. Eventually your wife will lose all her love for you. 

*The danger is this: you are setting your marriage up for ANOTHER affair. If someone comes along who fills all the things your wife needs to feel love - well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who she will choose. *

_Why are you doing this? Why do you want this to happen?_



> This makes me so angry. I have to rush and hurry to get over this when I was sitting at home, alone, while she was drunk and planning the whole day to have sex with the person she did it with. How is it that they both dont have to rush and fight for their relationship? Why am I the one who needs to rush through it.


Have you even considered the events that lead UP to that affair? I've read all of your other posts. I am aware of your situation. At no point have I seen you pondering what you may have done to create this situation. It's all about how sad you are, about how mad you are, about how you aren't getting what you want. I am almost certain that is the _exact same behavior_ that lead to your wife falling for temptation - it seemed so much better than what she had at home.

So...get over WHAT? The fact that your wife had an affair? She DID - in the past. Now she is with you, and she is hurting because you won't work on your marriage. Yes, I know you say you are - but what I see is someone who thinks working on the marriage is to spend time finding ways to get his wife to do what he wants - while also doing what HE wants. When do you get to doing what you BOTH want? How about what SHE wants?



> I thought I was doing well in progressing and her saying what she did yesterday feels like it was nothing, I haven't progressed enough. I'm not working hard enough. It was being with her that I was able to work harder and with her as a helper, I felt I would be able to overcome, now it feels like I'm all alone. How is it that she had sex with another guy and I'm the one who has to deal with it faster?


It's very very simple. That other guy provided some sort of need that you were neglecting to provide. *That in no way justifies her affair. That was wrong, plain and simple.* But the situation occurred because SHE felt alone and left out - and someone came along that did NOT make her feel that way.

As to 'dealing' with it faster - it depends on what you are 'dealing' with. Are you dealing with the fact that you are failing to change the ways things happened - trying to make 'what should have happened' become reality, and 'what really happened' become a fantasy? Got news for you - what happened - HAPPENED. Get over it. You are where you are now, with a wife, a home, and the possibility of changing your life into a happy one. 

You will always have painful memories - that's part of life. We can't all live in roses and unicorns. Part of being human is dealing with problems. Dwelling on them, reveling in the bad feelings you have, seeking to continue having those feelings - that's all avoidance behavior, designed to keep you from growing up and being happy.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:iagree: 

Since you've been here (about July 2009) you come on every couple months or so with basically the same post: "_My wife cheated on me. She's been great and shown me she loves me but I can't get the images out of my head. I'm depressed because of it. Can you help me?_"

I'd be happy to give you some straight talk. The issue is not your wife nor the affair. The issue is you. For literally your entire relationship--pre-marriage and now after marriage--you have moped and pouted and held behavior over your wife's head. For literally your entire relationship she has worked her butt off to show you she loves you, and you've held her past against her, never let her forget, acted like "she owes you" because she made a mistake, and tried to get her to do things your way in your timing. 

Here is a newsflash for you. Very shortly now I suspect your wife will have had enough and leave, and I'm not entirely sure I'd blame her. Has she been perfect? Nope--far from it. But you can not keep the power in your relationship by holding it over her forever. She'll leave. 

So if you really want help, here's my thought for you: decide which is more important to you, keeping your wife or keeping the blame. You can not keep them both--so you'll need to lose one of them. Which one is it gonna be? If you want to keep your wife, YOU need to go to personal counseling to find out why you refuse to let go of the past and why you pursue power in your relationship almost to the point your pushed your wife out the door. That is YOURS to claim, not hers. She didn't "do that to you" or "make you...." and you need to figure out why and address that within yourself. Otherwise I guarantee you--she's told you in a zillion ways that you're losing her. 

So what's it gonna be?


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Yes, the reality is that you will both get through this in different ways. What matters is whether she is now honest with you and if she if fully committed to you. 

She may very well look on the past in ways to minimize her guilt - its a survival mechanism. The more you don't talk to her about the non-ego pain it causes will only harm you. You need to talk to her about it.

My H looks back on his past As (yes more than 1) as the results of "US" not being in the right place. He acknowledges that there were better ways to deal with our issues than he did - but he still states that "its what happens." In other words I now know that MY reality is that he will always minimize what he did. BUT as long as he is committed to me and a kinder, nicer person now than he was, I am making the decision to release that as much as possible. 

Its hard to do. I wish it were different. But it is reality.
Please, for your sake, prioritize - communicate - and evaluate what is truly most important to you. She will NEVER deal with it the way you absolutely want her to if this is what she is doing. BUT if you BOTH COMMUNICATE you will find a way to make peace with it. 
It will never go away. But peace can be found.
Good luck. 
Oh, and NO, you're not going through this alone. We're all floating our here around you going through the same thing.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Sensational,

All the advice others have posted is wonderful....and right! I am 4.5 months out from finding out about my H's A. It hurt like hell and still does at times. But I can honestly say are marriage is SO much better than it was prior. Why? Because this horrible, selfish act was my wake up call. I could either refuse to forgive and lose my marriage OR I could forgive my H completely and rebuild my marriage. Well, I chose the latter. It's MY marriage and My choice to make it work. DOn't get me wrong, my H is doing he part too. We've both made some changes, of course at times it feels like I have had to change more and I start thinking that's not fair - he's the one that screwed up so why am I the one having to make the most changes? Well as someone else put it - YOU have to look in the mirror, as I did. Why did my H cheat? Because he's a horrible person? NO, farthest thing from the truth. He loved me and did try and I bottled up resentment and pushed him away. When you get down to to ugly truth, I more or less pushed him to the A. *Again, I am not excusing his actions - he was wrong, he knows he was wrong and is SO sorry it happened. * But at the end of the day, I want my marriage so living in the past and reminding myself of what he did isn't doing any good. What's done is done. 

Trust me, I understand your feeling of dealing with this and the lonliness. We did not tell our families or friends either but that's why I come here. I do sometimes go back there to that day because of a reminder, etc. but I am getting better about letting it go or moping about it. Trust me, I still do from time to time but usually my hubby is good about giving me extra hugs or an I'm sorry and that helps. 

Someone else is right, you think her moving past/on is a sign of belittling the situation. If she's anything like my H, that's the farthest thing from the truth. He doesn't want to bring it up or dwell on it because of guilt. (defense mechanism) He feels so guilty and doesn't want to have to dredge that horrible feeling up and be reminded of it. At time I get mad because I don't want to dwell on it either but the images in my head don't go away and I am reminded sometimes daily. BUT again, I have to make a choice - move on and get over it and on with my life or dwell on it. That's my pain, not his. He can't take that away and shouldn't have to grovel everyday and neither should your wife. Concentrate on the two of you and your marriage. What are you doing NOW!

SO, I really think you need to look inside yourself for the answers. Your wife can't and shouldn't be responsible for that part. Don't keep pushing her away, you dwelling is doing so. 

Sometimes I think I am wrong for "getting over this" so quickly but then I read all the great posts and advice that people have given here on this thread and realize, I am okay. My H screwed up and hurt me worse than I could ever imagine. However, I love him dearly and he loves me too. It's ME that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He doesn't want anyone else, never really did. It's okay to have sad days every once in a while, I am only human. But my happy days outnumber those. I can live with the fact that my marriage is stronger than it ever was and it's because of all the hard work and love that I & my H put into it. 

Good Luck to you. I hope you can once and for all forgive and enjoy your wife. She loves you and is with you - show her she made the right choice by reciprocating that love.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

WOW mommy2!  RIGHT ON! You said it better than anyone could! :smthumbup: :iagree:


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

:iagree:

Well thought out and said.

Lyn


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