# Trust gone....... Getting tired



## Dannodown (Apr 18, 2016)

I have been married for 11 years with two fantastic kids, my family is my world. 
The problem:
Two years ago I had a small gambling problem which I tried to cover up making my wife believe I was cheating. I have never cheated nor would I ever, I love my wife with all my heart. The gambling is done with as when I was caught scared me strait. It has now become a daily struggle, with her not trusting anything I do. I.E if I misplace 5$, don't answer my phone or turn it off, or take to long doing groceries she is all over me thinking I must be doing something ( cheating). The was even one week that was hell because I ended up doing a 24 hour shift at work which we knew was going to happen sooner or later and her thought was that I was cheating with someone. Even in the arguement that follow I try to reason with her or point out the simple explanation even going as far as asking why I would risk losing my kids and her, as I have everything to loose but all she has to loose is me and I still get same backlash. I don't know where to turn or what to do at this point I am just getting tired of this ( and heart broken) willing to do anything. Divorce is not an option in my mind as I am willing to fight to the end to fix. Any suggestions please would help thanks
Getting tired of the fight


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You sir, may be the first man in the world to try to cover up any issue by making it seem like you were cheating. I guess your wife was more concerned with finances than your fidelity?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dannodown (Apr 18, 2016)

Lol no. That was the conclusion my wife came to. She didn't believe that it was a gambling problem, and I didn't give her the idea I was cheating that's just where she went b


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You have a problem, for sure.

You will have a bigger problem when she no longer cares about "what you do and how long it takes".............think about that.

She is anxious and is still triggering, because she cares. Make her care more and worry less..........or........else.... :-{


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you tried marriage counseling?

What have you done to prove to your wife that you can be trusted?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Herschel said:


> You sir, may be the first man in the world to try to cover up any issue by making it seem like you were cheating. I guess your wife was more concerned with finances than your fidelity?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The curse of the missing comma.

Share your posts here with your wife.

And make sure that you keep her informed of your actions, where you are, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Xboxhater (Apr 18, 2016)

I would rather want to hear youre gambling than cheating, you have addiction, and thats something that your wife can help you, but because you started letting her believe that youre cheating, her trust is gone. The only way to do it is prove that youre not cheating first, and work your gambling addiction with her later, coz its only your wife who can help you in your worst


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## Xboxhater (Apr 18, 2016)

Try spending time with her more, call her more often, update her whats going on with you, tell her everyday how much you love her, take her out for dinner, surprise her more, small things like that will make her win her trust back. Let her remember why she marry you 11 years ago


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It's sort of unclear in your OP, but did you ever openly and honestly tell your wife about your gambling problem? Or did you just stop and now she's left to wonder why your shady behavior started and why it stopped? And, what are you doing to directly address you gambling problem and the obvious issues in your marriage?


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Hi Danno,

I am going to give you the perspective of your wife, because I was in the same position. I found out that my husband had been gambling because I saw a statement online from the casino regarding his win/losses for the year to the tune of thousands of dollars. It was a ROUGH patch in our marriage, and it has taken YEARS to repair my trust in him. 

Because you betrayed her trust, she will have doubts in her mind about other stuff besides gambling. I did too. I felt like "well if he lied to me about this, what else is he hiding?" I thought he might be cheating too. The only thing you can do is be TOTALLY transparent with her about everything...finances, spending, credit cards, bank accounts, your cell phone and email. She needs to feel like you are not hiding anything. Stupid stuff will trigger her, and she will have to deal with that. 

Financial infidelity is not that different from cheating...in that it is a betrayal. You will have to work hard at this. I would suggest marriage counseling and for you to do some research on how to regain someone's trust after a betrayal. You may get tired of dealing with this, but the more transparent you are, the more she will begin to trust you again. Good luck...it sounds like you want this to work...so keep trying. It will get better.

Here is a link with some suggestions:

https://www.mytotalmoneymakeover.com/index.cfm?event=dspAskDave&intContentItemId=116426


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Actually in one way you DID cheat on your wife.

You committed financial infidelity and you stole her peace of mind and her trust.

It will take years to rebuild this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Actually in one way you DID cheat on your wife.
> 
> You committed financial infidelity and you stole her peace of mind and her trust.
> 
> ...


Years .

Or never .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PixieGirl (Apr 20, 2016)

I agree with bluezone. You must be completely transparent with your wife. You need to come completely clean with her (if you haven't already done so) and maybe then she will see that you are willing to work at this. Yes, there will be bumps along the way and triggers... some things you do or don't do will bring her right back to where it all started such as words or actions, and this might make her doubt you again. You have to understand where she is coming from. You betrayed her trust and you, ONLY YOU, will be able to work at regaining her trust. When you turn your phone off, there is an obvious reason why you are turning your phone off... tell her why, be honest with her, even if you think it will hurt her, she will probably hate you for a little while but it's a lot better than being dishonest and her finding out some other way. Don't forget a very important thing... you have kids right? What happens if you turn your phone off and there's an emergency at home, how is she supposed to get a hold of you?

I'm sure that she loves you with all her heart or else she would have left you 2 years ago... as someone else mentioned, you may not have cheated on her with someone else but you did betray her trust and especially when there are kids involved, that's big!

Once you tell her the truth and she sees that you are trying to make it work, maybe things will start working out.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Did you seek help for your addiction? That might be a good step for you and your marriage. If she can be a part of your healing it might help her understand and you might be able to regain her trust.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP, you need to be extra diligent in little things. Answer her texts, pick up your cellphone, let her know if you are going to be late, etc. These things will reassure her.

Are you both handling finances, or is only one of you? If not, BOTH of you need to be involved in your finances so she knows where the money is going. My husband and I both pay bills, I do some and he does some and we talk about it at least once a month. We have sat down and done budgets also. 

If either of us spends say over $150 we let the other person know what it's for. We started doing this after his gambling, but we still do this now...it's just good practice for a relationship, especially when financial infidelity has happened. She needs access to all accounts, as do you.


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