# Is he still interested?



## JessicaLGH (Mar 16, 2021)

I feel like I'm jumping in the middle of the story but here goes. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, been dating for 6, and known each other for 9. Recently we've been going through a some issues and little to no interest, on his part, in sex is one of them. In the past month we've had sex two times and for both it was 3 in the morning and he would wake me. Now I'm all up for it, im happy even, because although he kisses me or fondle me throughout our day he never seems interested in sex. But I know he's masterbating, multiple times in the morning when I'm at work, during the day when I'm at work, and sometimes at night in the livingroom when I'm in bed. How do I know? Well he leaves his little wads of tissue on the night stand, by the couch and sometimes I walk in on him phone in one hand and either the other down his pants or waistband down. I dont dress up as much as I used to when we first met (it was always short skirts heels and corsets) but I still do my make up, I still dress up every once in a while and all I get is a you look nice. At this point is he even interested anymore? Is he more interested in sexting (he has a history of sexting multiple women which has caused problems in our relationship before but I thought we were over it). Is it me that's failing in giving him what he needs? I feel so lost and everytime I think about it I spiral into a whirlwind of it's me, im a failure as a wife, I'm just crazy, and I'm overreacting, an I should learn to take care of my needs myself, that I'm left feeling drained and not wanting to think about it anymore. At this point at this point am I crazy? Or is this simply the natural progression of a marriage?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

No, it's not you. And no, this is not normal.

Your husband obviously had a sex addiction of some sort, and uses porn and sexting to satisfy it. It won't get better until he admits it and gets help. It doesn't even seem like he's trying to hide it if he leaves used tissues laying around 

Chances are, he won't change. Most people won't but certainly not until they have a reason to change and hit rock bottom. So it's time to put your foot down and be willing to lose your marriage in order to "save" it. Either he gets help, or you walk.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Have you confronted him about it? It seems like he’s not making any effort to hide his behavior with leaving his j rags all over the house (yuck).

As for why, how is your relationship other than sex?


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Porn and sexting and all that masturbating... is extreme. Make him choose between all this crap and you. Otherwise, resign yourself to live like this.

No, it isn't you or anything you did or didn't do. Read about porn addiction. 

He is making choices, and those choices don't include saving some for his wife. He needs to change that or you need to get out. I'm not one to tell someone to divorce but even God allows divorce for cheating, and this is.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

One of the problems that’s too common in marriages is the idea the person responding to an issue needs to guess what it is. When that doesn’t work, they begin to blame themselves. It isn’t your fault. Oh, you may create problems in your marriage as we all do, but him jerking off over the phone isn’t an adult response to any marital issue I know of.

He leaves his little used hankies around and he obviously doesn’t care if you catch him sexting other women. He’s sending you a message and an unhealthy one. He wants you to find the evidence because he isn't man enough to address the issues himself.

You need to send him a message. If your sexual relationship is to mean anything resembling love, admiration and commitment, he needs to stop with the porn and the jerking off and he needs to abandon whoever is at the other end of the phone. He sounds like a fifteen-year-old who just located his d*ck. He needs to address the issue and what his thinking is that lead to the current situation. This isn’t the natural progression of marriage; it is the natural progression of a loveless marriage or worse.

Put your foot down, it will be a lot less painful than the heartache of trying to accept the environment you're in.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sometimes habits surrounding the use of erotic media along with self pleasure are about trying to relieve stress. The process in and of itself can create guilt and shame which then leads to additional stress and a breakdown of trust and communication within the marriage. 

Step 1 is to work on improving trust and communication by trying to have him let go of any guilt and shame. Step 2 is to work on finding healthier alternatives to dealing with stress and sexual urges like exercise or a hobby. Step 3 is to try and help him make that change in lifestyle that is something rewarding for the two of you. 

Awkwardly you can't ask him to stop his bad habits or it will likely just make it worse and/or cause some passive aggressive tantrums as a result of frustration. You have to first focus on helping him be open to talk about things in a way that removes shame and guilt. 

If you want to try an awkward experiment. Let him catch you doing the exact things the you know he does, but demonstrate zero shame or awkwardness about it when that happens. Then be critical of yourself in a way that you would be critical towards him about this behavior and ask him to help you find a better way to deal with this type of thing when you have urges or frustration. If by chance he opens up and starts talking, you have got your foot in the door of what is going on with him emotionally so that you can learn more about what your husband is struggling with regarding his habits. 

My advice may not help, but at least take a moment to think through some different perspectives.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Porn destroys men and marriage. So sorry about what you’re going through. It’s a major problem that he thinks his behavior is normal... he’ll have no desire to fix it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What would you do if you caught him in the act with another woman??

Is this really all that different? 

For all practical purposes, he is having an affair with porn and with his own hand. 

My suggestion is to treat it as such.


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## Jadedlilguy (Apr 7, 2021)

Try sexting him. But I think the cheating part is no bueno.


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## diddlydoo (Sep 21, 2021)

JessicaLGH said:


> I feel like I'm jumping in the middle of the story but here goes. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, been dating for 6, and known each other for 9. Recently we've been going through a some issues and little to no interest, on his part, in sex is one of them. In the past month we've had sex two times and for both it was 3 in the morning and he would wake me. Now I'm all up for it, im happy even, because although he kisses me or fondle me throughout our day he never seems interested in sex. But I know he's masterbating, multiple times in the morning when I'm at work, during the day when I'm at work, and sometimes at night in the livingroom when I'm in bed. How do I know? Well he leaves his little wads of tissue on the night stand, by the couch and sometimes I walk in on him phone in one hand and either the other down his pants or waistband down. I dont dress up as much as I used to when we first met (it was always short skirts heels and corsets) but I still do my make up, I still dress up every once in a while and all I get is a you look nice. At this point is he even interested anymore? Is he more interested in sexting (he has a history of sexting multiple women which has caused problems in our relationship before but I thought we were over it). Is it me that's failing in giving him what he needs? I feel so lost and everytime I think about it I spiral into a whirlwind of it's me, im a failure as a wife, I'm just crazy, and I'm overreacting, an I should learn to take care of my needs myself, that I'm left feeling drained and not wanting to think about it anymore. At this point at this point am I crazy? Or is this simply the natural progression of a marriage?


ive been going through the same type of thing for many, many years (very embarrassed to admit how many). Please go, it won’t get better. It’s just one after another. I hope you have no children, as you can go no contact, and move forward. Don’t let him suck you back in by promising to change. Make him actually change before you even talk to him. I feel your sadness, but also hope for you. You’re still young and you can live a completely different life. I have a feeling you can put this behind you and learn how to never go back.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What would you do if you found out he was hooking up with another woman(s) every day? 

Would you sit around and hope he still had some time and energy left over for you at 3 am?

Since he is draining the dragon to porn every day and not having any fuel in the tank for you, I see no distinction between screwing another chick vs screwing his hand to porn. 

Think of what you’d do if he was banging another chick - then do that because from your perspective there really isn’t much difference.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This is kinda a zombie thread.


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