# My husband is sad that he never dated..



## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

I've been with my husband for 10 years, 5 married. We were each other's everything. At first I thought the was great and kind of romantic. But now since things are going south in other parts of our lives, he wishes that he had dated.

I think it's understandable, especially for guys. But I never saw this coming. I mean, I wish that I'd dated too sometimes. But honestly, it's just not me to date around. I would have been happy to be in long term relationships, but not causal dating.

He wants female attention and for girls to look at him. But he never went out when he was younger and was very shy. So I don't understand why now when we're married? I'm not comparing him to myself, we're different. While I don't like getting hit on when I'm married, he would love it. I would love it for him because it would prove that he is worthy. Me saying it isn't enough.

But it just seems like it's out of the blue and since I don't feel the best about myself at the moment, and we aren't able to have sex and he isn't happy. It makes me wonder what's next? He wouldn't cheat, but the difference between now and a few years ago is that he probably thinks about it. He says things that he wouldn't have and he is acting like a teenage boy. 

He isn't this way all the time, he gets in these moods. He has a very stressful job and things aren't great with work. We both work from home. He drinks a lot and this is usually when it starts if it's going to start. He is drinking more and more, he isn't violent or anything. But he does get sad and starts thinking about life and whatnot. I try to be comforting and listen, but what he says can be tough to hear. He knows this and pulls back when he catches himself doing it. But I just wish he would cut way down on the drinking. But he can't seem to do it/he doesn't want to. The second that he feels uncomfortable he gives up.

I don't know what to do! He is my best friend in the world, and I'm his. So I want him to be OK, I want him to be happy, and I can't make him happy, I'm not happy either. It's only been 5 years but it seems like the longest time in our lives! I know that it will pass once we get it together.

This is marriage and I know it will get better, but what do I do in the mean time?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why aren't you able to have sex?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He should have thought about all this before he got married. He needs to stop with the sob story and get over it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He like all men wants his wife to be his girlfriend.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm wondering if he's already dating, sounds like cheater's script.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ticktock33 said:


> I've been with my husband for 10 years, 5 married. We were each other's everything. At first I thought the was great and kind of romantic. But now since things are going south in other parts of our lives, he wishes that he had dated.
> 
> I think it's understandable, especially for guys. But I never saw this coming. I mean, I wish that I'd dated too sometimes. But honestly, it's just not me to date around. I would have been happy to be in long term relationships, but not causal dating.
> 
> ...


Everything but the bolded aside...

How do you tell him, show him, communicate to him that he's still got it? How do you give him the attention he is wanting?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I think he's taking you for granted, and not appreciating what he has. He knows you are faithful and will always be there so he's being self indulgent and a bit of a jerk. 

I think you need to let him know he's lucky, do a bit if a 180, get him appreciating you before he is tempted to cheat. He's got you thinking you are not enough. But he has the issue - not you. 

Also why can't you have sex?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Why aren't you able to have sex?


You need to check her other thread. They live with his mom and his brother, in the living room. 

Honestly, your husband sounds like he's moving towards depression, and medicating with alcohol. It's going to be tough to fix until you start removing some of the barriers to your happiness. The fact that you work from home and live in the living room is a huge one.

C


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He sounds immature, OP. Like the others, I hope he realizes the good he has with you, and begins to take responsibility for his drinking.

Does he realize all the heartache and disease risk he avoided by not having lots of relationships? There is a lot to be said for the path he took. 

Nothing wrong with being shy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> You need to check her other thread. They live with his mom and his brother, in the living room.


Ah, I see.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

He sounds depressed..

Your living circumstances are surely contributing to the stress of the marriage -from what was mentioned here... what can you do to get your own place??? 

My question would be...for you both... are the emotional and sexual needs being met?? (you made mention you are not having sex??)....as when these start sinking.. those feelings of regret often move in.. this can be a downward spiral if changes are not brought forth to divert where this is going.....

This book will explain the great importance of these NEEDS in our marriages...a chapter devoted to each..and how when not met.. far too often one falls into an affair... even those who've had numerous partners still do this.. it's not just those who've only been with each other .. .

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> ...


Here is a questionnaire you & he can fill out to help open this up ...to see where you both could work on pleasing the other more so...to revive the emotional connection/ passion again..








 Emotional Needs Questionnaire


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

jld said:


> Does he realize all the heartache and disease risk he avoided by not having lots of relationships? There is a lot to be said for the path he took.
> 
> Nothing wrong with being shy.


There are many posters here who have said that dating around and having fun when they were younger was the best time of their lives and they have no regrets.

I think he might be lying about being shy when he was really just rejected. I use that excuse all the time "I was so busy with school when I was younger."

I don't drink but I do get depressed when this topic pops into my brain. The worst thing to be thinking about on your death bed is what you didn't do but could have - regret.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

He feels that way because he is unhappy in your marriage right now. I agree that it's an immature way to respond to the situation, but let's get real -- you guys live in his mom's living room and you "aren't able" to have sex with him because you don't feel good about yourself? Why do you live in his mom's living room? Is he the only one of you two working? You say that you love him but what steps are you willing to take to improve the relationship? If you're depressed, can you see a counselor? Get more exercise? Change your diet?

I agree with the poster who said "you should have thought of that before you got married" in re wishing he dated more. But there are clearly some serious underlying issues in your relationship that need to be addressed.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ntamph said:


> There are many posters here who have said that dating around and having fun when they were younger was the best time of their lives and they have no regrets.
> 
> I think he might be lying about being shy when he was really just rejected. I use that excuse all the time "I was so busy with school when I was younger."
> 
> I don't drink but I do get depressed when this topic pops into my brain. The worst thing to be thinking about on your death bed is what you didn't do but could have - regret.


ntamph, please don't feel bad about not dating around. From what FW has said, you are a very nice man, and I am sure your dw is grateful for you.

I am telling you, you probably avoided a lot of heartache. Please consider that side of it, too.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

ticktock33 said:


> He wants female attention and for girls to look at him. But he never went out when he was younger and was very shy. So I don't understand why now when we're married?
> 
> This is marriage and I know it will get better, but what do I do in the mean time?


I don't have a lot of good advice to help but perhaps i can help explain and give my view to your two questions in your post.

1. why now? - This is very simple. You said that he never got much female attention. The attention you gave him in the earlier years was exactly what he needed and it was like oxygen for a fire. it kept him going and made him feel good. As often happens with marriage, people start to take each other for granted. Your attention doesn't feel like it once did as it's 'just there'. Perhaps you don't give as much attention or it's different than it was at least maybe he perceives it differently). Maybe one or both of you have let yourself go a bit - that can influence how he feels about you and/or about himself. As a younger man, he focused on what he had now he's getting older and getting more 'locked into' life and starts looking at what he never had.

2. These things don't just get better on their own, i'm afraid. as he grows older, these feelings will grow because he sees himself more locked into life's choices. Even if when he was younger, he wasn't thinking about options other than you, he may have just FELT that he had more options. Not sure if you have children but that can cement these feelings. Not sure of the answer but some sort of reinvention of the relationship is needed, however that can be brought about.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

I know why he is feeling uphappy, we aren't having sex because I don't feel good about myself. We aren't having sex because every bc that I've tried either kills my sex drive and or makes me feel like crap 3 weeks out of the month. 


Yes, he is the only one working but I can't work. We aren't living in a country where I can work. I don't know the language and even if I did it's hell trying to find a job here. I have tried and nothing is working. I'm a housewife, that's what I do and that is my living. I cook and clean and get him everything that he wants before he knows that he wants it. I go out and do the shopping everyday and I run around like crazy to get things done. I work...believe me, it's just not a job that pays.

Yes, he is lucky to have me. But I'm lucky to have him as well. I wouldn't have been able to travel around the world without him. Maybe I wouldn't have but he is my best friend and partner and I wouldn't want to do it alone.

We live in his mom's living room because money is tight and after years of fighting it, it got to us and now we're here. 

I'm a vegan, I watch my diet and I can't workout because I can't go to the gym. The membership costs money that we don't have. I don't run in the park because I'm worried about stray dogs, fleas and ticks. 

It's not as if he doesn't want me anymore, but the situation doesn't permit sex on a regular basis. 

The truth is that it's no one's fault really, it is what it is. I do love my husband and I am doing everything that I can. But so is he, he isn't capable of pulling himself out of this funk himself. I don't blame him for it. But I just don't understand why he gets a little uncomfortable and gives up and the cycle begins the next day. 

I'm not here to badmouth my husband. I want to help him. The first issue is to get out of the living room and into our own place...finally. With more than 1 room, I think things will fall into place from there.

I guess I wish that I'd dated more too or at all. I don't think he wants one night stands, just to be normal. Go to parties, drink and be stupid. We took the weird road together, nothing about us is normal and now looking back we wish that we were just a little.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hey, OP, I am a vegan, too! And a housewife, too! Actually, a homeschooling mom. 

How about just using condoms? I tried the pill for two days 21 years ago. Forget that nausea. No way. We have used condoms all our life together. Works great. Cheap, too.

Just my advice, that you probably do not want to hear . . . but don't forget you can leave him. I would not want to deal with a man with depression who may entertain thoughts of cheating. Could be a long, lonely road.

Just sayin'.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I'm going to make this as simple as possible: you are not having sex. When a married person has a sex drive and no sex, they are going to start wishing they had sex, and be unhappy that they are not having sex. There is no solution to this except finding a way to fix your sex life, and whether the problem is more you, him, or both of you, I can't know. Of course, that's the hard part, actually figuring out how to fix your sex life. But there's no other solution that I see. Talking about it isn't going to change it.

One thing I notice from your posts is that you seem to make a lot of excuses to avoid things that make you anxious. You can't exercise in a gym because it's too expensive, but you can't exercise in the park because of dogs. Ok, what about exercise at home? When I can't go to the gym I do cardiokickboxing and bodyweight exercises. No equipment needed. 

Is he unattractive to you now? Is he out of shape? Is it his drinking and stress and attitude? The bottom line is you have to find a way to work on your sex life.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Oh and yeah, get your own place! Do everything you can to make this happen, it will make such a big difference.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

couple said:


> I don't have a lot of good advice to help but perhaps i can help explain and give my view to your two questions in your post.
> 
> 1. why now? - This is very simple. You said that he never got much female attention. The attention you gave him in the earlier years was exactly what he needed and it was like oxygen for a fire. it kept him going and made him feel good. As often happens with marriage, people start to take each other for granted. Your attention doesn't feel like it once did as it's 'just there'. Perhaps you don't give as much attention or it's different than it was at least maybe he perceives it differently). Maybe one or both of you have let yourself go a bit - that can influence how he feels about you and/or about himself. As a younger man, he focused on what he had now he's getting older and getting more 'locked into' life and starts looking at what he never had.
> 
> 2. These things don't just get better on their own, i'm afraid. as he grows older, these feelings will grow because he sees himself more locked into life's choices. Even if when he was younger, he wasn't thinking about options other than you, he may have just FELT that he had more options. Not sure if you have children but that can cement these feelings. Not sure of the answer but some sort of reinvention of the relationship is needed, however that can be brought about.


Thank you, this makes a lot of sense. I guess that's what the bachelor parties are about. I never really understood the last day of freedom thing. Now I understand it completely. But what do I do about it, he isn't going to cheat on me. 1. He knows how much it would hurt me 2. He it would mean that he'd have to get out of the house lol. 

From his side he never dated and then gets a wife who is sick all the time from bc. Sick in general...he has never seen me at my best. I think this is my fault actually, I doubt he would be thinking this if I was carefree and not sick. 

We've talked about that and he has admitted that he was resentful at first. But he understands it now, but now theres not a lot to be done about it. Just a lot of understanding, it doesn't mean he isn't going to get upset when it's too much.

Also he has told me on a regular basis that since I'm such a good wife and I'm still with him after all the crappy things that have happened. He doesn't feel like a man anymore, he is supposed to provide, I'm holding up my end but he can't on his side. He is very depressed about that. But I tell him all the time that I'm with him no matter what. But that is in him all the time, he jumps in his sleep. So do I but everything is on him, I've talked about going back to my country and working there and sending money back. We don't even have money for the tickets and my parents aren't in a position to help. He worked so hard and the last 6 months before we moved were incredibly stressful. But now he is exhausted and it's taking time to bounce back. It's getting there...hopefully by the end of the year we'll be moving!!  

It's very complicated!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hicks said:


> He like all men wants his wife to be his girlfriend.


Then he needs to woo her like a boyfriend 

Sitting at home drinking and then whining about never dating sure isn't a turn on.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

John Lee said:


> I'm going to make this as simple as possible: you are not having sex. When a married person has a sex drive and no sex, they are going to start wishing they had sex, and be unhappy that they are not having sex. There is no solution to this except finding a way to fix your sex life, and whether the problem is more you, him, or both of you, I can't know. Of course, that's the hard part, actually figuring out how to fix your sex life. But there's no other solution that I see. Talking about it isn't going to change it.
> 
> One thing I notice from your posts is that you seem to make a lot of excuses to avoid things that make you anxious. You can't exercise in a gym because it's too expensive, but you can't exercise in the park because of dogs. Ok, what about exercise at home? When I can't go to the gym I do cardiokickboxing and bodyweight exercises. No equipment needed.
> 
> Is he unattractive to you now? Is he out of shape? Is it his drinking and stress and attitude? The bottom line is you have to find a way to work on your sex life.


Yes, I understand the sex part is very important. It's not that I don't have a sex drive. It's in full force now that I have no bc...ironic eh? His is in full force but every idea that I have is shot down. What am I supposed to do about it? The pull out method also only works according to my cycle so....

Is it really an excuse if it's true? I'm a busy body and this is the longest I've ever gone without working out. I've never just sat around before, it was nice at first but that that old quick. I do squats and that works. I do sit ups in bed, run in place...but it's not a serious workout like I'm used to. But I guess it's better than nothing. In the winter I went out running everyday, ice snow, whatever. It felt great, and no dogs.

This will be solved soon enough. In a few months we will move and he knows how much I want to join a gym. If we can afford it in a month or so I'll be there everyday. This isn't just about looking good for him, but I don't feel like myself. I haven't gained that much but it just doesn't feel right.

I get what you are saying, talking isn't going to work but I'm working with nothing here.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

jld said:


> Hey, OP, I am a vegan, too! And a housewife, too! Actually, a homeschooling mom.
> 
> How about just using condoms? I tried the pill for two days 21 years ago. Forget that nausea. No way. We have used condoms all our life together. Works great. Cheap, too.
> 
> ...


Hey! Nice to see another housewife vegan, there aren't a lot of us! 

I'll bring up condoms again, it can't be worse than stopping short. 

Leaving isn't an option. Things will improve, it will pass. We have had a lot of problems before and I thought of leaving. But it worked out eventually and we just couldn't be without each other. Even if we stayed married and were friends that live together. But let's hope it doesn't come to that!


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

that_girl said:


> Then he needs to woo her like a boyfriend
> 
> Sitting at home drinking and then whining about never dating sure isn't a turn on.


What does that mean exactly? How can I be like a girlfriend? We don't have any experience in that lol.

He isn't whining...just thinking about life. I do it too, I just don't say it!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Then he needs to woo her like a boyfriend
> 
> Sitting at home drinking and then whining about never dating sure isn't a turn on.


I agree with this too. But she said she was the reason they weren't having sex. Maybe that's not really true, maybe she's not feeling attracted to HIM and just not admitting it.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Well, even if he did decide to date (cheat) No One wants a MARRIED grown man living in his momma's house

Sounds like he needs to work on being a MAN
pulling his own weight, supporting his family (his wife)
and getting their own place

she doesn't want to have sex with him because she has lost respect of him

AND who wants to have sex in their momma's house with their adult siblings living there too

blech


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> Well, even if he did decide to date (cheat) No One wants a MARRIED grown man living in his momma's house
> 
> Sounds like he needs to work on being a MAN
> pulling his own weight, supporting his family (his wife)
> ...


I agree with this, and yet something about the situation doesn't add up. He's working, she not because she can't. Why did they move there in the first place?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Another reason she isn't having sex is that they use no birth control other than withdrawl - which isn't adequate birth control 

Go to planned Parenthood - it is free (income based) and LEARN ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL

you aren't having sex ALSO because you are at least smart enough to NOT get pregnant - that would be a disaster at this point

You all sound like you are teen agers instead of adults making adult choices about adult things


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

OK, I DO feel attracted to my husband...he is still attracted to me.

The problem is that we aren't stupid and don't want kids right now. People have kids when they aren't ready all the time. People let their hormones and emotions get the best of them all the time. We aren't idiots and instead of throwing caution to the wind, we are trying to find away around a stressful situation. That doesn't make us teenagers, it makes us responsible. 

Yes, we made mistakes that landed us in this. That isn't the debate here. I don't want to get into specfic things, I'm already worried that he is going to find these threads and be upset that I'm telling strangers about our lives. But I don't have anyone that I want to talk to about this.

What do you think is going on? It is what it is.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

You can always ask a Mod to maybe CONDENSE your TWO threads and move to the Private member section if you are worried

I would be working on being gainfully employed and moving out of his parents house and getting proper birth control since you don't want to get pregnant


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

For sure, do not get pregnant!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I charted my cycle and my children are 9 years apart which wasn't a mistake. 

I was a single mom for 7 years and had a boyfriend for 4 of those years. We didn't use any birth control (after being tested twice) other than me charting my cycles and understanding fertility. It can work, it just takes a few months of work.

I do understand not wanting children and how that can kill your sex drive. After my 2nd was born, we were done having kids. I didn't want to use BC because I was nursing and it can dry you up...he didn't want to use condoms. So...no sex was happening because I did NOT want to be pregnant again.

He got snipped about 4 months later and it was amazing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you do not know what charting means or how fertility truly works, you can PM me


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

What about the sponge w/ spermacide in it? Take a walk together in the evenings - you can get some exercise and maybe scope out a place to have sex. A little secluded spot, a romantic walk... might put a little bounce in his step on the way back.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

It's not that not wanting kids kills my sex drive. It's the bc that does it, I turn into an emotional mess. The moment that we tried the nuva ring, it started giving me major side effects. I couldn't stop crying, I got nervous about everything and I was depressed. But I also noticed a huge difference in my libido. It was down to nothing by the time I stopped using it. Also the first month is hell, all month bleeding and my stomach hurts all the time. I can't eat and I feel like I'm going to be sick constantly. Plus the heartburn all day long, nothing helps!

Then we moved and at the time the ring was still new and wasn't everywhere yet. So we tried the pill, I couldn't eat much for a month because it made me so sick. Then the patch, that gave me some weird rash. Then we found the ring again and that's what I used for years. I was so depressed and moody, my husband would come into the room and I would roll my eyes! It was awful for him to get rejected and for me to be so horrible to him. It's not me at all and I had to convince him that I didn't mean it.

We started sleeping in different rooms and basically were roommates. We didn't even need the ring because it was so rare that we had sex. I started getting strange symptoms and my gp suggested that I stop using it and within a week I felt like my old self. But the damage was already done.
Now we are on the same page, and I have to find a way to do this in a responsible way that he isn't going to shoot down. 

That_girl, thank you for your advice. I would love to try charting, but like I said before...I'll just get shot down. He wants something super concrete because he is paranoid.

It might sound like I'm making excuses, but don't judge me. Both me and my husband have been through the ringer here.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

Unique Username said:


> You can always ask a Mod to maybe CONDENSE your TWO threads and move to the Private member section if you are worried
> 
> I would be working on being gainfully employed and moving out of his parents house and getting proper birth control since you don't want to get pregnant


Where do I ask a mod for help?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

There are a lot of birth control options for you to try. Why not get the copper IUD? It's non-hormonal(won't make you emotional or other negative effects) and is highly effective(very small chance of pregnancy). You can also use a barrier method(sponge, condoms, etc) in addition to charting(would not do charting alone). It doesn't sound like you have tried those and I just see excuses for why you haven't.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If you're not willing to stroke his ego and give him the female attention he wants....and if you're not willing to do whatever it takes to have an actual sex life with your husband, then maybe you should tell him it's ok for him to date around for a while. You don't want the job, maybe someone else will.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If you're not willing to stroke his ego and give him the female attention he wants....and if you're not willing to do whatever it takes to have an actual sex life with your husband, then maybe you should tell him it's ok for him to date around for a while. You don't want the job, maybe someone else will.


:lol: :rofl: :sleeping:

Do I have to make a list of everything that I've done? I'm doing my part! Excuses are on his side, it takes 2 people and I'm the only one in it. I've even suggested that if he wants to go elsewhere, then he should. I want him to be happy and I'm not making him happy. I love him enough to let him go with someone that will be a proper wife to him. But he doesn't want that either, so what else can you throw at me?!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ticktock33 said:


> :lol: :rofl: :sleeping:
> 
> Do I have to make a list of everything that I've done? I'm doing my part! Excuses are on his side, it takes 2 people and I'm the only one in it. I've even suggested that if he wants to go elsewhere, then he should. I want him to be happy and I'm not making him happy. I love him enough to let him go with someone that will be a proper wife to him. But he doesn't want that either, so what else can you throw at me?!


Again, all else aside, living situation, job situation, birth control situation, how often do you just stare at him in a leering sexual way? Open up the shower curtain when he's showering just to watch him naked?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Again, all else aside, living situation, job situation, birth control situation, how often do you just stare at him in a leering sexual way? Open up the shower curtain when he's showering just to watch him naked?



Ya I don't think she does anything like that otherwise he wouldn't feel he's lacking female attention. No sex + no attention = end of marriage sooner rather than later. Especially since there are no kids or assets to complicate the split.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm sorry OP, but reading your responses it really seems like you have excuses for every suggestion. 

You won't go running because you're afraid of stray dogs and getting ticks and fleas? You don't have to touch the dogs or do you mean the ticks and fleas will jump on you when your're running?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She is in another country, in Eastern Europe, I believe she said. That may have something to do with it.

OP, do you have some friends in that country? I need to reread your threads, but I am kind of distracted by the soccer game.

I ask about friends, because I lived in France (husband's country) and India (expat assignment) for a few years, and it is tough to be all alone. Women usually need other female friends. 

Are you learning the language?


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

jld said:


> She is in another country, in Eastern Europe, I believe she said. That may have something to do with it.
> 
> OP, do you have some friends in that country? I need to reread your threads, but I am kind of distracted by the soccer game.
> 
> ...


I do have a few friends, none that are close enough that I feel like I could talk about these kinds of problems. But yes, I have a few and a lot more than I have since I've been out of America.

I am trying to learn the language, I can understand a lot more than I can speak. I'm working at it everyday.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ticktock33 said:


> I do have a few friends, none that are close enough that I feel like I could talk about these kinds of problems. But yes, I have a few and a lot more than I have since I've been out of America.
> 
> I am trying to learn the language, I can understand a lot more than I can speak. I'm working at it everyday.


That's really good. As you are able to communicate better in the language, and make friends, that will take some pressure off your marriage.

It sounds like you two are both stressed. Your dh is coping by turning to alcohol and porn, and you are seeking an outlet here. I think you are doing the right thing. 

I hope we will be able to offer help, and support. Just brush off anything that seems hurtful, OP. 

Would it be possible for you to do any under the table, cash work, like teaching English? Or would you risk legal trouble? Don't want that, I know.

If you are married, couldn't you get some sort of green card to be able to work? 

I got one in France, though we were not planning for me to work. If we had stayed longer, I could have entertained getting a little teaching job, just to get out a little.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

If walking outside is a problem, you can exercise at home. There are exercise DVDs and if that's not an option, YouTube as a lot of 30 minute or longer workouts you could do in the living room.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

Actually today I may have found something perfect. There is a huge nice park here and I didn't see any dogs, they have bikes that you can rent for about $1 for an hour or some that are free. I'm going back tomorrow to check it out and see if I can get the free bikes. Problem solved!

It felt good to be active again, I was riding around like a little kid! Thanks for the help and I will look into the youtube work out videos.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I second the copper IUD. I am also one of the few that can't take BC hormones. There is also the diaphragm, the sponge and spermicide, condoms with spermicide in them, spermicidal lube, regular condoms etc. and charting/aka natural family planning methods that, that_girl suggested. Perhaps using two or three methods together will help your husband feel more secure against pregnancy risks?


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> I second the copper IUD. I am also one of the few that can't take BC hormones. There is also the diaphragm, the sponge and spermicide, condoms with spermicide in them, spermicidal lube, regular condoms etc. and charting/aka natural family planning methods that, that_girl suggested. Perhaps using two or three methods together will help your husband feel more secure against pregnancy risks?


We have asked around about the IUD. When you got it, did it hurt? I've heard horror stories about it being horrible and painful to insert if you haven't had kids. I've also heard about it ripping through and that hurts as well. I also saw a video with a woman getting it done live on tv. I think it was The Doctors or Dr.Phil, it was to show that it doesn't hurt. She seemed fine after and could walk out. I guess it might be depending how it's done.

I would be willing to take the chance, I think that's what we'll end up doing. I could get something for the pain beforehand I think. The numbing shot would be about 200 dollars just for that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Tt, did you take a look at that natural family planning info from That girl? Or does it seem too risky?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

There are horror stories for pretty much every drug and every medical procedure. The gazillions of people that just get something and it works have no reason to post reviews, if you think about it. 

I'm on my third IUD and absolutely love it. I have the hormonal IUD, but the procedure is the same. The first time was definitely not fun, but even so I didn't need anything more than high-dose ibuprofen and a nap. And trust me, I have ZERO tolerance for pain! I am nothing close to a "tough girl"!


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Ticktock, it is possible that your husband is suffering from Late Bloomer Syndrome.

Late Bloomer Syndrome is copyright Wysh's quasi medical claptrap ltd.

As you say he never really dated and was very shy, maybe as an older man he has gained in confidence, realised that he _is_ an attractive man and due to the slight disconnect caused by your current living conditions he is pining for what might have been.

Just follow the advice you have been given and hopefully you will soon see a turn around.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

WyshIknew said:


> Ticktock, it is possible that your husband is suffering from Late Bloomer Syndrome.
> 
> Late Bloomer Syndrome is copyright Wysh's quasi medical claptrap ltd.
> 
> ...


LOL....but it does make sense, I couldn't find the right term for it.
Yes, probably! But he hasn't really gained confidence, if anything it's even less. But he has realized that he could have had experienced things in life. I don't think he regrets his life with me, but wishes he could have had more. 

But what do you do about it? I think the current situation isn't helping, but it was bound to happen at some point. I don't really get it, I'm happy with our lives together. Sure maybe I wish I'd dated more, but I'm not the dating kind. We both thought we weren't the dating kind and maybe he was.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

JLD, I did look into it but it does seem too risky right now. I know there are horror stories for everything, but just the idea of it ripping through scares me so much. But it seems like the only option at this point that is really worth looking into. I can handle pain, so maybe it wouldn't be as bad as everyone says it is. If you can handle it, CoGypsy, then I can! 

Thanks for all the help!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ticktock33 said:


> Yes, I understand the sex part is very important. It's not that I don't have a sex drive. It's in full force now that I have no bc...ironic eh? His is in full force but every idea that I have is shot down. What am I supposed to do about it? The pull out method also only works according to my cycle so....


When you cannot have PIV, there are other things.. do you know what 69 is? mutual oral sex. There are hand jobs for a each other. There's a lot that a couple can do without inter course.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> When you cannot have PIV, there are other things.. do you know what 69 is? mutual oral sex. There are hand jobs for a each other. There's a lot that a couple can do without inter course.


We do other things and pulling out. What I meant that it's according to my cycle is that he doesn't want to do that when I'm the most fertile. So we do the other things, but sometimes he isn't happy with that either. 

I think he is confused and stressed out. It's difficult to navigate what he wants.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It sounds like you are very patient and understanding, Tt. I think the Active Listening will help, too.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

jld said:


> It sounds like you are very patient and understanding, Tt. I think the Active Listening will help, too.


I'll try it next time! I have to take myself out of the equation and really see what he needs instead of taking it personal.


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