# Sense of paranoia..... how do you stop it?



## cavenger

I've had a history of women not treating my right and deceiving me. It has caused me to lack trust. I try to trust.....and I act like a nice guy but then something happens where I am sure I am being slighted and I become jealous and suspicious. It is affecting my current marriage and I don't know how to trust. Yet, I still think my current wife is not always honest with me. Jealousy is such an ugly emotion. 

How do I trust but verify without losing my mind??


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## waiwera

cavenger do you feel as though there 100% transparency in your marriage? An open and friendly/warm/comforting relationship? Do you two talk often? I know you've been working on your marriage and sex life. Hows that been going?

Why do you believe your wife isn't being honest with you?


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## notmarriedyet

I think we all struggle with jealousy once in a while, warranted or not. 

As mentioned before, how close are the two of you?


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## unbelievable

May I suggest your problem isn't how you perceive women but how you perceive yourself. If you suspect all women would cheat on you you're really saying you don't believe you have what it takes to keep one and/or you don't believe you are wise enough to make a prudent mate selection choice. 
I'm not rich. I don't have six-pack abs. I'm not the smartest or best looking guy on earth. I am an honest, caring, hard-working guy. I will not spy on my wife. I'm a pretty decent catch and if she doesn't agree, I'll help her pack. 
There is no "verify". There is trust. If she wants to screw around, no verification on earth will prevent her. If you wanted to mess around on her, couldn't you? The best affair prevention in the world is to be someone she doesn't want to risk losing. There are over 150 million men just in the U.S. You can't keep your wife from all contact with men. You'll go crazy trying.
I have lost a couple women to other men but I never lost anyone worth keeping. These other guys aren't threats to you. If anything, they help you weed out undesirable, unhealthy women by taking them off your hands. 
The worst that can happen is not that a cheater will leave. It's that one will stay.


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## Mavash.

If you have a history of this then the least common denominator is you. Being jealous and insecure actually pushes people away. Have you considered counseling to get to the root of why you expect this behavior out of women?


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## notmarriedyet

I trusted my mate completely. Blindly trusted him. 
I guess you could look at it the same way you look at faith. In order to have faith, you must believe what you cannot see. Faith is blind. 

That's how I felt about my partner. Had you told me he was talking to this girl or that girl 24/7 on the phone, texting, etc. hiding "friendships" I would never have believed it. 

But then I saw it with my own eyes. No more blindness. I saw the light & the trust evaporated. 

I am blind no more. 

I don't think you can ever gain that back or even earn trust back once it's broken. I just can't see it happen.


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## norajane

cavenger said:


> I've had a history of women not treating my right and deceiving me. It has caused me to lack trust. I try to trust.....and I act like a nice guy but then something happens where I am sure I am being slighted and I become jealous and suspicious. It is affecting my current marriage and I don't know how to trust. *Yet, I still think my current wife is not always honest with me.* Jealousy is such an ugly emotion.
> 
> How do I trust but verify without losing my mind??


What kinds of things do you think she is dishonest about?

I can see how some might omit information or downplay certain things if they're with a partner who overreacts to them and is jealous even if unwarranted. For example, if the waiter is flirting with her at lunch, she might downplay it because she knows he's just angling for a bigger tip and it was a non-issue for her, but she knows you'd blow up and be jealous.

If that's the kind of thing that's happening, the best you can do is to NOT blow up with jealousy. Then she'd feel more comfortable telling you about things.

On the other hand, if she's chatting with a certain guy on Facebook all the time, then that's something that should be a concern and you have a right to be jealous.

So do you think she's not being truthful in an effort to minimize your jealousy or because you really have something to be jealous of?


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## unbelievable

2ntnuf said:


> I was thinking trust is earned not given. I like the way you think, unbelievable. I guess the less status we have in life, the less attractive our mate needs to be? Seems like a bit of a reach, but that is what I'm extrapolating from your statements. This would seem unsatisfying, if I am not misunderstanding. It is worse when they stay. It rips away your self-confidence and in my case, your soul. I don't think there can be trust, only vigilance. Maybe some day I will think differently.


Not at all. My point is that if you don't love yourself, don't expect anyone else to. A woman who has to be surveilled or checked up on isn't a woman worth having. Life is too short to spend it being suspicious. Suspicion and distrust are products of fear and fear has no place in your life. What most people call "happiness" is really contentment. If you're a decent person and your wife is not content with you, odds are very good she wouldn't be content with anyone else, either. That's because contentment is a daily decision we all make for ourselves. Nobody "makes" anyone happy. Got nothing to do with looks, money, power, prestige, etc. Rich folks in Hollywood get divorced far more often than the poor.


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## cavenger

*Re: Re: Sense of paranoia..... how do you stop it?*



waiwera said:


> cavenger do you feel as though there 100% transparency in your marriage? An open and friendly/warm/comforting relationship? Do you two talk often? I know you've been working on your marriage and sex life. Hows that been going?
> 
> Why do you believe your wife isn't being honest with you?


I feel that neither of us is 100% transparent. I think it is difficult for both of us to do that because of our past relationships. We are getting there. .... but we are only almost two years in. There have been some small things to make me have less trust than 100% that she had done. .... but nothing major that I know of. I think we haven't done a good job of establishing boundaries. 

She has had a relationship reminiscing chat with an ex....nothing major but I blew up about it. And then she has been involved in a multi level marketing thing that I do not like at all. Both situations have "triggered" Me.


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## cavenger

*Re: Re: Sense of paranoia..... how do you stop it?*



Mavash. said:


> If you have a history of this then the least common denominator is you. Being jealous and insecure actually pushes people away. Have you considered counseling to get to the root of why you expect this behavior out of women?


I totally get this....I do not want to be insecure. But I can't help it sometimes. Most of the time I just keep it inside until it completely eats away at me.


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## waiwera

and when things trigger you... do you and your wife discuss it? (please don't bury these things... they will damage your marriage) How do those discussions go? Do you feel any satisfaction at the end of the discussion? 

Communication is the answer to almost every marital issue... you know that don't you?

If you want the same issues to keep cropping up...keep doing what your doing now.

If you want something to change...change how you react and deal with it...otherwise nothing will change and history will repeat it's self...over and over...

What can you change?


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