# Question for BS



## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

Im curious as to how long other WS's were in the A and was it PA, EA or both. 
I would prefer to take advice for others with more similar situations to what I'm currently going through.
Don't get me wrong, a one night stand is just as bad as a 30 year affair, I just wanna know who's in the same boat as me.

I'll start, WW ea/pa at least 3 years that I know of and no contact in 3 months. Trying to R but have a gut feeling she has broken NC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

My husband was in an affair for 4.5 years. DD#1 was 3 years ago, he broke contact after just a few weeks but I didn't discover this until DD#2 in February of this year. So we are 3.5 months out from NC.

Was it PA? Well, only the two of them know for sure. But I have zero evidence from the many, many emails I've read and discovered on my own that there was any sex. There are variety of reasons why I think they didn't have sex in addition to that, but there are also reasons to think that they could have. It's something I am learning to live with. (Discovery of hard proof would result in divorce; not because of the sex, but because of the LYING.)


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

completely_lost said:


> Im curious as to how long other WS's were in the A and was it PA, EA or both.
> I would prefer to take advice for others with more similar situations to what I'm currently going through.
> Don't get me wrong, a one night stand is just as bad as a 30 year affair, I just wanna know who's in the same boat as me.
> 
> ...


I know my STBEH's EA/PA lasted at least six months, based on the anonymous emails sent to me. 

He admits to only six months but I have tentative evidence that it was much longer at least a year, maybe longer. 

Also, many years early found condoms, and we never used them. Found a hidden bank account. He had plausible excuses for both. So I believed him like an idiot.

Also, initially he lied and tried to claim his affair was only emotional, not physical. At that time he did not know how many emails had been forwarded to me. 

Also, much later I found evidence of hotel stays in the town where he often took her to lunch and dinner, as well as evidence he took her on business trips. 

On those trips, I had asked to come along, but he convinced me not to saying I would be bored and stranded. Yeah Right.

He finally admitted months after Dday that he had sex, when I showed him an email that verified it


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am a professional counselor. Clinically an ONS is easier to get over. An EA is harder to get over then rape. A LTR is very tough. NC means NC. Yes she will have feelings (fog) for a while and will grieve the loss. We (the BS'ers) want a clean break and we should demand it. I would tell her everyday, NC. None. And let her know the consequences if she contacts him. I would also demand transparency to include being available at all times and letting you know where she is and what she is doing. Anything less is not R.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

My H has a EA for 2 weeks which went PA and lasted for almost 2 more weeks. So yeah that is how long (short) it really was. A whole month. And here I am still venting about it today. (4 years later!) 

The length I guess really doesn't matter at all. It hurts hurts hurts and takes time to get over. I feel especially bad for BS's who discover long term affairs because it taints everything that the WS did with their BS during that time. Thank goodness during my Hs 1 month affair, we didn't take a ton of pictures or go on big trips, because I know how bad I feel when I think about things we did together/see pictures of us together- at that time and he was betraying me!! And it was only a month! I can't imagine it being years. I have such respect for those who can R after years of betrayal! Truly.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

My wife was in PA for 9 months:-(
Trying R but it is very hard.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

She says it was EA for over 2 years but not PA. But I do not have any evidence etc, this happened 17 years ago.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You're trying to R when she has refused to send the NC letter to the OM? Sounds like the makings of a false R where you are allowing to dictate the terms of R, with some heavy duty rug sweeping on both your parts.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Wife had 3 yr PA. Currently 4 months post d-day. I do not suspect contact ( it had kinda run it's course and was coming to a natural end) but I worry about other men as a possibility. I always question her commitment to R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

My WW had a PA for the total of 5 months. NC for 7 months.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

When our marriage hit the 21 year mark, my husband began cheating. It was definitely physical and more like orgies. I have no idea how many women he saw. He didn't want to reconcile. I put up with the mess for two years before he finally moved out. 

Make sure your wife is being transparent. In other words, everything should be open--you should have access to everything anytime. That's really the only way you can know that she isn't still slipping around and having further contact with the OM. That's something my wayward husband refused to do.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, both of us actually had EAs. I had 2. First one lasted about 2 months. Hubby learned of it, rug-swept, blah blah. About a year later, I got into another EA, this one lasted 9 months. I had gotten better at hiding things, which is why that one lasted as long as it did. It ended on its own, but 4 months later, I learned my husband had been in one for about 1-1 1/2 months. I confronted then, and told him about mine, etc. After coming here last month, I realized that keeping it between him and me wasn't gonna work, so I informed our family and some of our friends of BOTH EAs. I didn't badmouth him any worse than I badmouthed myself. I made sure to make myself accountable for my actions, no blame to him for it. 

I still have days when it all comes back to me: his texts, her texts, her pic. It was caught early, so he still doesn't get exactly how bad it was even then. He still thinks I should be over it already. But, we are working thru it. I told him it's gonna take time, and what I need from him is to just let me feel it, but just hold me and reassure me when I get these feelings, instead of getting mad. I can't say that he's necessarily understanding now, but he's helping, instead of hindering. Right now, that's what I am needing. 

For some reason, he isn't going thru the same thing. Not sure why, but I am prepared if he blows up. For what I did? I deserve it if he does. Regardless, he has forgiven me, and I HAVE forgiven him. Forgetting is another story, I'm afraid.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Lets just say my experience has been ‘evolving’ due to the trickle truth. It started with the discovery of a lot of phone calls to a specific number... That was the tip of the iceberg.

So, I’ve dealt with EA’s, ONS, LTPA’s, and a variety of ‘inappropriate relationships (male and female) as her version of the past keeps being re-written. It spans a decade. It also includes suicide threats, rape, childhood trauma, severe ‘life altering’ parenting scenarios, etc.. I’ve basically been through the ringer. Not the life I wanted, but it is what I have.

Her LTPA was probably her largest relationship and spanned 2 years. It is also really the only one I have a fairly complete story and timeline on starting with how it went from coffee to EA to PA and all those trials and tribulations of such a fake romance. That includes the fights, the break ups, the getting back together and how they drove each other crazy (and all the seriously foggy notions that went with it). And the ‘why’ of the broken NC’s that took her a few months to finally resist. 

While we aren’t reconciled, our relationship is better than its been for a decade. I’m three years post-DD#1. I understand her better and can work with that. And I know I have my own issues and demons... like why I’m still around probably has more to do with my problems than anything else. Sucks knowing you are probably not right in the head....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

18 days, PA

NC/R for 32months


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

First EA I found out about was for 4 months,, she lived out of state so don't think was a PA.. (yet they had talked and met for "lunch"back at the beginning when him and I started dating,,but had lost touch till April last year... she looked him up on FB (imagine that)

Second one I found out about has pretty much been for 9 years, (we have been married for 9 years) ,, no proof of PA and of course no admittance of it either... she lives closer , so I would think so, but only the 2 of them know...

( he only admits to deceiving me , not having an EA with either of them)


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

11 months , PA

NC since nearly 7 years

R : about a year maybe 2


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## bluejeep (Jun 6, 2012)

W had 2.5 year PA, 3 mos since dday today


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> I am a professional counselor. Clinically an ONS is easier to get over. An EA is harder to get over then rape. A LTR is very tough. NC means NC. Yes she will have feelings (fog) for a while and will grieve the loss. We (the BS'ers) want a clean break and we should demand it. I would tell her everyday, NC. None. And let her know the consequences if she contacts him. I would also demand transparency to include being available at all times and letting you know where she is and what she is doing. Anything less is not R.


In MC my H has said at least 3-4 times he is confused and shocked how I'm more upset and freaked out of the EA than the ONS Kiss.


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