# Does growing up in a divorced household make one devalue marriage?



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

My wife and many cheaters I personally know grew up in a single parent home. I did not. My parents were married 50 years til my father died. Do they not know the power and depth of meaning of the words “I Do”, when they commit?


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I grew up in a single parent home....you may want to slow your roll about the generalizations because you are going to offend someone with them.
Interesting thread topic....just reserve your judgments until you know someone.

Oh and attitudes like yours? That's part of the reason I never could get into a "square" kind of guy. See how that works?  

I'm not damaged or incapable and I don't use things in my past as an excuse not to live a good kind of life. It also wouldn't be fair of me to assume that people with different experiences than my own were cream puffs.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Statistically speaking children whos parents cheated will have a higher chance of cheating themselves.


Twice as high.

I guess we do learn some things from out parents after all, things like smoking,drinking,abusing, 

And things like work ethic,kindness,love 


Problem is kids learn the bad things along with the good things.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

My siblings and I (4 of us) grew up in a single parent home and none have cheated. All well adjusted, intelligent, hard working, community minded, all round good people. 

So there!


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> *Statistically speaking children whos parents cheated will have a higher chance of cheating themselves.*
> 
> 
> Twice as high.
> ...


The OP didn't say "parents who cheated" which would be married folks. He is asking if people from single parent homes are more likely to cheat. Just wondering if there is some kind of leap/assumption that it's single parent time because of cheating? :cone4:


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> Do they not know the power and depth of meaning of the words “I Do”, when they commit?


Honestly I think very first time married people don't have a hint of a clue as to what they are signing up for. To be together with someone else for 40, 50 or even 60+ years is an unimaginable commitment that really doesn't sink in quite well just by having a ceremony about it...marriage I think should demand passing a dam tough certification process where you need to pass with a very high score, whatever that might be! 

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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

VibrantWings said:


> The OP didn't say "parents who cheated" which would be married folks. He is asking if people from single parent homes are more likely to cheat. Just wondering if there is some kind of leap/assumption that it's single parent time because of cheating? :cone4:


Your assumptions or his?

:cone4:
Whats with the traffic cone?


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> Your assumptions or his?
> 
> :cone4:
> Whats with the traffic cone?


YOUR assumption....you didn't seem to read good. 

lympic1::flowerkitty::butterfly:
I find the emoticons charming in this joint.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I’m just curious. Not judging.
If it plays a part in infidelity. 
You know the nurture aspect of it.

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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I think the inference of a broken marriage because of cheating by his post was clear as a bell thats why he posted it the infidelity forum.:scratchhead:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I read recently that children of divorced parents are more likely to end up divorced.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

My parents split when I was very young. Whatever problems occurred between them seemed to have an impact....but screwing around wasn't one them. My parents had much more serious issues than someone stepping out. 

My brother was screwed around on by his ex-wife and tried to kill the guy...he never once messed around on her. He loved her with all of his heart. 

I've never screwed around and my ex and I had a 101 reasons to split but infidelity wasn't a problem.
My sister was cheated on by her husband while she was dying with cancer. She never cheated either. Her husband came from "a good family" with money but he's uber ****ed in the head. 

Just saying, cannot always think you can look at the statistics and apply them to real life.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Counterpoint here:

My wife grew up in a broken home.

Her mom cheated

-----------------------------------

My wife is an absolute paragon of fidelity. Rock solid. Totally committed to the marriage aside from fidelity issues as well. Determined to have a successful marriage from the get-go and continually growing stronger through our now 31.5 years of marriage. 

I know it's a single data point, but I would say: no, coming from such an environment does not make one devalue fidelity. There are probably other, more relevant causal factors at work.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Counterpoint here:
> 
> My wife grew up in a broken home.
> 
> ...


Sometimes it has the oppsite effect. I know of kids who grew up with an acoholic parent who would never drink because of it.

But I know more that became acoholics themselves.

Thats the beauty of satistics 

Saticticaly speaking if you stay in the stock market long enough you will make more than you lose.

Tell that to the people who lose a pile just before they want to retire.

Stats are stats what you do with them is up to you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Entitlement and loveless marriages probably contribute.

Massive amounts of screwing around going on in privileged circles as well as middle class and poor.

It is all over but there are some pretty high numbers from generations that might not have divorced but thought more of status than integrity.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I would think there is more to it then simply having divorced parents leading one to devalue marriage. My parents got divorced, got back together, and got divorced again. I personally wanted them to divorce because it was simply just not a healthy environment to be in. That being said, seeing all the crap my parents brought into their marriage, it actually had a positive impact on me in the sense that I knew exactly what I DID NOT want my marriage to be.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

It depends. My parents split when I was young, and I vowed to never divorce as I believed with a very strong conviction that they should have worked out their issues and stayed married. So when my marriage came crashing down I was devastated. My ex wife came from a family that also divorced and where there was blatant serial infidelity. She too is a serial cheater, which led to the demise of our marriage. 

There are two truths. 1) We learn from our parents, are shaped by their examples and values. We also inherit some of their character traits. 2) But we are also capable of making our own choices, growing, and establishing our own values that supersede what we learned from our parents.

When selecting a spouse we should find out where our lovers are in this spectrum. I made the mistake of projecting my ideals onto my girlfriend/fiancé, making her something she was not. It is natural to do that. But I have learned. One has to really examine the values and work view of their lover before tying the knot. 

I would prefer my daughters marry boys from good families where there was no divorce. I would take comfort knowing the boys came from families where love and commitment were modeled and fostered. Of course that guarantees nothing, but I would like the odds better.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> Sometimes it has the oppsite effect. I know of kids who grew up with an acoholic parent who would never drink because of it.
> 
> But I know more that became acoholics themselves.
> 
> ...


My point was that, while statistics may be useful in the aggregate, they are useless in individual situations. This is especially true when a single statistic is considered in isolation--life is rarely so simple.

But the real bottom line here is that we are human beings, not rolls of dice or turns of cards. We all have the power to choose. I shiver at the idea of people using a statistic to justify individual behavior.

Both my parents were chain smokers. I've never touched a cigarette (or pot) and find any kind of smoking to be thoroughly disgusting.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

VibrantWings said:


> My parents split when I was very young. Whatever problems occurred between them seemed to have an impact....but screwing around wasn't one them. My parents had much more serious issues than someone stepping out.
> 
> My brother was screwed around on by his ex-wife and tried to kill the guy...he never once messed around on her. He loved her with all of his heart.
> 
> ...


While your last sentance is very true. I survived a car accident where i hit two telephone poles rolled over three times flew into the passange seat because i wasn't wearing a seat belt. It probably saved my life because there was 3 inches between the drivers side seat and stearing wheel and the roof was crushed so far in that i would have been crushed by the stearing wheel and the roof.

Seatbelts saves lives statistically but because of this one accident maybe I shouldn't wear one.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

My parents are still together.

My ex's parents are still together.

My ex's affair partner's parents were divorced. I have no idea of the circumstances, or when it happened.

Back in my overanalysis phase, I wondered if that had any bearing on willingness to engage in an affair with someone who was married. Like if you believe you turned out okay despite having divorced parents, that must mean divorce isn't so bad for children to experience, therefore breaking up a marriage isn't evil.

I figure it's just as likely that a child of divorced parents would respect marriage more, and not want to put children through what they experienced.

I think it's all about the child developing a sense of selfish entitlement and narcissistic personality. That can happen to any child, no matter what their family of origin is like, if they are spoiled. Then they break up marriages because they want what they want, and don't think about the consequences at all, much less think that they wouldn't be so bad.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So my parents both divorced more then once. My Dad has been married 3 times, serial cheater. My Mom cheated on by my Dad and then lived way to long with my abusive step-father. To me the worst of all of it was the fact that she stayed so long with my step-father. This was because she thought divorce was a sin. Yet when she finally left him her life was 100x better. If anything this has given me confidence in divorce when there is abuse. As soon as abuse starts divorce the next day. 

However I don't believe in divorce as kind of a frivolous solution to typical marital problems. Marriage is hard work and no marriage is perfect. 

I have also never cheated, and would rather chop off my arm. 

I have been married for over 13 years. 

I have two siblings who have been married over 20 years. No cheating as far as I can tell. They seem to have very good marriages. I also though grew up around people who had good marriages, and were very moral people too. My siblings were also a great example of marriage to me as well. They married people who had grown up around good marriages. I think it's not just your parents but the culture you grow up in. 

I also agree with @Hopeful Cynic I would look to see how they were raised. A kid that always got whatever they wanted would be someone I would avoid. Entitlement leads to affairs for sure. 

What can I tell you. All of us were harshly effected by our parents divorce so we tried really hard to avoid it. So in are case it had the opposite effect. 

Got to be honest though I think a lot of this stuff is just in the genes. Some people are just born cheaters others are not. I think it works just like criminality does but it's just that cheating is not a crime. Some of it is nurture but some of it is nature. Someone can grow up in the worst circumstances and still end up being a paragon of virtue and some can grow up in a totally stable home and end up being dangerous.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

My wayward wife's parents have stayed married to this day, but in the mid- to late-80's, her mother allegedly cheated on her father. When her father found out, then all hell broke loose and her parents had many fights between them, not only in front of children, but also in front of colleagues and visitors. From the way my wife described it to me, I kind of got the feeling that the concept of adultery basically became the centerpiece of her family life. That background has made me wonder how much she was influenced to a) be unreasonably jealous and insecure with me; and b) have an affair herself. Interesting stuff.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I guess what I'm thinking is my wife was never around marriage growing up.
I was wondering if that might have contributed to her lack of value of marriage.
But it probably had more to do with the revolving door at her house.

On the same thought my single friend (who is sleeping with a married woman) told me yesterday....
"Dude, no one thinks of marriage the way that you do anymore." "Everyone out here is fing everyone."
He said if he married again that he would not be that bothered by his new wife having sex with another man as long as she loved him and stayed.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

In my opinion, parents can teach as best they can, values as to which shape your character. This can be taught by a married set of parents or a parent individually. What’s important is how the child learns these values and then places value in the values themselves. As a parent myself, I am teaching my boys respect, chivalry, honesty, loyalty, truthfulness, and many other qualities. My goal is to have them as well rounded young men who are respected and loved by all they encounter. They will be seen as men of strength and honor, but more importantly be true to themselves. 

My goals may be unrealistic, and through my marriage I hope to show them true forgiveness. That even if a horrible choice is made, you can forgive and be healthy and happy. Time will tell with my situation, but I’m hoping that they learn hard work can produce positive results. Together, my hope is the boys learn to always move forward, never give up, and to find the best solution for every problem. That they learn the value of commitment, not just when it’s easy, but when difficult also. I hope my marriage inspires them to work as hard in their own marriages, without infidelity. 

Statistics to me are mostly useless, just as generalizations are in being used as descriptions for groups. Each person is their own person, they choose and act using free will, and that could be good or bad. I’ve made bad decisions in my life, I’ve made good decisions, and at the end of my lifetime I will be happy in who I was as a person.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> I guess what I'm thinking is my wife was never around marriage growing up.
> I was wondering if that might have contributed to her lack of value of marriage.
> But it probably had more to do with the revolving door at her house.
> 
> ...


:surprise::frown2: 

I take no issue with grown consenting adults fing anyone - except when they have pledged loyalty and fidelity to one person through marriage. If you want to leave the door open to other people, fine, don't get married.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> I guess what I'm thinking is my wife was never around marriage growing up.
> I was wondering if that might have contributed to her lack of value of marriage.
> But it probably had more to do with the revolving door at her house.
> 
> ...


Your friend he is very wrong. I dont know anyone who thinks of marriage as your friend does. He clearly has no morals.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I am afraid that morals, honesty, honor, and character are things of the past. Instant gratification has replaced them in our society. Personal gratification without a thought to the affect it will have on other people is the norm.

If my marriage failed. I would never consider another marriage. I just could not justify the chance I would be taking.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ghost Rider said:


> My wayward wife's parents have stayed married to this day, but in the mid- to late-80's, her mother allegedly cheated on her father. When her father found out, then all hell broke loose and her parents had many fights between them, not only in front of children, but also in front of colleagues and visitors. From the way my wife described it to me, I kind of got the feeling that the concept of adultery basically became the centerpiece of her family life. That background has made me wonder how much she was influenced to a) be unreasonably jealous and insecure with me; and b) have an affair herself. Interesting stuff.


Maybe adultery was normalized for her. In my mind taking a cheater back isn't always the best example for kids though lots of people teach differently. I always wonder what you really are teaching your kids. Is it that you can have and affair and get away with it? It it infidelity is a basic part of marriage?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> I guess what I'm thinking is my wife was never around marriage growing up.
> I was wondering if that might have contributed to her lack of value of marriage.
> But it probably had more to do with the revolving door at her house.
> 
> ...


No surprise someone who behaves that way thinks like that.

That dude wouldn't be my friend anymore. And if you ever start dating again you better keep your relationships away from him.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I know that statistics tell more truth than case studies. One thing the OP should consider is that there are more kids in single parent homes and step families than there are kids in long term marriage families. So the new mode is not long term marriage. Now my parents, and their parents stayed married until the death of one spouse. One of my brothers divorced his wife after her infidelity. So we have a long train of long term marriages, but with each of the newer generations there has been an increasing trend towards more divorce. My Daughter is divorced, following her husbands infidelity. 
Anyway, The case study I have in mind is a guy that my daughter did not marry. she dated him long term and lived a few years with him. So defacto imho. Anyway this kids biological parents had 9 divorces between them. Frankly this guy had never seen a long term marriage, and had no idea how to build one. While he may have known what he didn't want, he had no tools in his box to prevent it. Extreme case I know.
MN


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

sokillme said:


> No surprise someone who behaves that way thinks like that.
> 
> That dude wouldn't be my friend anymore. And if you ever start dating again you better keep your relationships away from him.


True.
He is now sleeping with his old best friends SOON TO BE ex wife.
Dude denies there is a Bro Code.....


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Maybe adultery was normalized for her. In my mind taking a cheater back isn't always the best example for kids though lots of people teach differently. I always wonder what you really are teaching your kids. Is it that you can have and affair and get away with it? It it infidelity is a basic part of marriage?


Those are very good questions. I really don't know. My wife always said her mother was unhappy in their marriage even before cheating on her father, and would have just left him if not for fear of what "society" might think. Maybe her father stayed in it for the same reason, but that is kind of a contradiction because he would publicly fight with her mother about the affair, anyway. Only God knows what my wife as a child took from all this in her head and heart at the time, and whether it had anything to do with her cheating on me at the age of 40, 15 years into our marriage. It's reasonable to guess that the raucous, drunken fights they had contributed to her BPD symptoms later in life.

Keep in mind, she and her family are South Asian, and the culture is much more conservative and divorce is very rare there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> I am afraid that morals, honesty, honor, and character are things of the past. Instant gratification has replaced them in our society. Personal gratification without a thought to the affect it will have on other people is the norm.
> 
> If my marriage failed. I would never consider another marriage. I just could not justify the chance I would be taking.


I agree that generally moral values and integrity and honesty are not as prevailant as they used to be, but there are still many people who have those things. Many who value faithfulness, decency, unselfishness, responsibility and honour. 
I know many people like that, friends and family members.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Statistics say?

Quote the source. Without a reference it’s no different than saying “it’s just common sense!”

I don’t care how plausible any statement may sound (or not) if statistics are referenced they should be cited.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> On the same thought my single friend (who is sleeping with a married woman) told me yesterday....
> "Dude, no one thinks of marriage the way that you do anymore." "Everyone out here is fing everyone."
> He said if he married again that he would not be that bothered by his new wife having sex with another man as long as she loved him and stayed.


Your friend is trying to justify his own actions. 

Don't listen to him.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> Statistics say?
> 
> Quote the source. Without a reference it’s no different than saying “it’s just common sense!”
> 
> I don’t care how plausible any statement may sound (or not) if statistics are referenced they should be cited.


Or you could google it !

Any have 10 studies on each side .

Stats can and are manipulated by omitting data point. Or findings that don't fit there adgenda.

Welcome to the world of research. Unless you read every part of the study that made up the stats then they mean nothing.

Unfortunatlly every study is flawed from the begining.

Come up with a theroy. Then collect data .then throw the data that don't agree with you theroy out . Then publish your paper so you can get more grants.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Rick Blaine said:


> It depends. My parents split when I was young, and I vowed to never divorce as I believed with a very strong conviction that they should have worked out their issues and stayed married. So when my marriage came crashing down I was devastated. My ex wife came from a family that also divorced and where there was blatant serial infidelity. She too is a serial cheater, which led to the demise of our marriage.
> 
> There are two truths. 1) We learn from our parents, are shaped by their examples and values. We also inherit some of their character traits. 2) But we are also capable of making our own choices, growing, and establishing our own values that supersede what we learned from our parents.
> 
> ...


I understand what you're saying...you made someone better than they were in your mind because you hoped they would be. You're not the first person to do that. 
Just need to point out, that it's also easy to do in the opposite...put someone down mentally because of pre-conceived notions/biases/experiences. 



chillymorn69 said:


> While your last sentance is very true. I survived a car accident where i hit two telephone poles rolled over three times flew into the passange seat because i wasn't wearing a seat belt. It probably saved my life because there was 3 inches between the drivers side seat and stearing wheel and the roof was crushed so far in that i would have been crushed by the stearing wheel and the roof.
> 
> Seatbelts saves lives statistically but because of this one accident maybe I shouldn't wear one.


I get your point....but I think people and relationships are more complicated with many facets than a seatbelt and crash test dummies. 

Cheaters cheat for different reasons....to say they were "nurtured" to do so is over-simplifying it IMO.

P.S. Glad you didn't get killed!


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

To answer your question directly, my guess would be no more than growing up in a miserable household where the parents either argue or ignore each other much of the time.

I'm remarried and I love being able to set an example to my daughter of how a couple in love treat each other respectfully.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I read recently that children of divorced parents are more likely to end up divorced.


More likely. Pffffft. It really depends. My parents have been happily married for 56 years. My ex husband's parents have been happily married for over 50 years. Guess what? He and I ended up divorced.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

VibrantWings said:


> I understand what you're saying...you made someone better than they were in your mind because you hoped they would be. You're not the first person to do that.
> Just need to point out, that it's also easy to do in the opposite...put someone down mentally because of pre-conceived notions/biases/experiences.
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks , me too

Social science. Not worth the paper its written on.

Everybody is an individual. I think when something like infidelity happens to you your mind goes into overdrive trying to explain why someone could do this to you.

So they read this and that and start thinking this or that must be the reason.

But in the end does the reason really matter?

Not really their still cheaters . It best to just move on.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

So many anecdotes. So little data.

Who can say without a serious regression analysis? If kids from broken homes are more likely to divorce, you have to control for all of the other factors that might contribute to the same result - station in life, socioeconomic status, geography, shared religiosity, and a million other possibilities.

It's likely someone has tried, but I haven't seen the results. I can say that these simple correlational studies are mostly useless.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This was certainly a case with my x. She came from a broken home and watched her mom cheat on her dad. Her view on marriage was that it was expendable and divorce just an absolute conclusion. Course that’s not what was presented to me and certainly not what I believed in. 

Even when I caught her cheating and told that it was her doing that now her daughters would grow up in a broken home her exact words were “oh please I turned out fine”. No you turned out just like your mother. She didn’t like that one bit...mostly because she realized it was true.

I know that if I ever thought to marry again I would be certain to look closer at family dynamics than I did in the past


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Cletus said:


> So many anecdotes. So little data.
> 
> Who can say without a serious regression analysis? If kids from broken homes are more likely to divorce, you have to control for all of the other factors that might contribute to the same result - station in life, socioeconomic status, geography, shared religiosity, and a million other possibilities.
> 
> It's likely someone has tried, but I haven't seen the results. I can say that these simple correlational studies are mostly useless.


Not at all useless imo. Even if they are small bits of qualitative data, they still inform us of something. The question is important and could be formally studied (variables are always there), but the perspectives discussed offer some insight even without regression analysis. Cheers!


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Wolf1974 said:


> This was certainly a case with my x. She came from a broken home and watched her mom cheat on her dad. Her view on marriage was that it was expendable and divorce just an absolute conclusion. Course that’s not what was presented to me and certainly not what I believed in.
> 
> Even when I caught her cheating and told that it was her doing that now her daughters would grow up in a broken home her exact words were “oh please I turned out fine”. No you turned out just like your mother. She didn’t like that one bit...mostly because she realized it was true.
> 
> I know that if I ever thought to marry again I would be certain to look closer at family dynamics than I did in the past


I would closer at the values she espouses and her actions and responses to life situations than her family background. There are ways to assess. It takes time though.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Rick Blaine said:


> I would closer at the values she espouses and her actions and responses to life situations than her family background. There are ways to assess. It takes time though.


Proof is in the pudding as they say and the best indicator for the future is always the past. Best thing you can do is give it time like you said to see if they do as they say. I wouldn’t just take them at their word here.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

My parents divorced when I was 10. My dad was a,cheater but I did not know this until just recently. Been married for 22 years now. No infidelity here.

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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TX-SC said:


> My parents divorced when I was 10. My dad was a,cheater but I did not know this until just recently. Been married for 22 years now. No infidelity here.


Was it you that was dating a (cheating) married woman in college or am I thinking of someone else?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WonkyNinja said:


> To answer your question directly, my guess would be no more than growing up in a miserable household where the parents either argue or ignore each other much of the time.
> 
> I'm remarried and I love being able to set an example to my daughter of how a couple in love treat each other respectfully.


Agree 100%.

I couldn’t care less about what someone’s cherry-picked stats say, ^this^ just makes sense.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Was it you that was dating a (cheating) married woman in college or am I thinking of someone else?


I did indeed. Not sure what their status was. I think he KNEW what was going on but he had physical issues that made sex a rarity for them. I don't condone what I did, but at the time I was a bit young and stupid. This happened in my early 20s. At the time, I just said "I'm not the one cheating."

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