# Advice needed



## broken1234 (Mar 22, 2012)

I fell in love with my husband as he was my best friend.... we have only been married a short time and one of the reasons i fell in love with him is because he was always there for me emotionally... i dont feel like he is anymore. 

i just told him i was contiplating divorce and he seems sad, upset, about the whole thing.. but when i tell him what i am thinking he says that he cant be there emotionally for me if i am complaining or upset about him or his actions. As much as i can understand that i cant at the same time... we are suppose to be there for eachother, for EVERYTHING and now i feel like the more i lean and he isnt there emotionally the more i am falling out of love with him... we have had alot of fights more latley then not and not getting along. 

i want to feel comfortable tellign my husband things and i no longer do. I feel like i am falling out of love with him beacause he is not my supportor, and he tells me he loves me but he says things and acts different. 

last night i came to him about somethign that was bothering me, i made sure to come to him in all the ways that he has said NOT too... he said nothing, speachless and so i left the room and said it was hurtful that he couldnt talk to me about things.. he tells me today that i never do things "the right way" so it caught him off guard and that he was too tired to "be there for me" 

but yet he doesnt see his actions and comments are hurtful...

i dont know if any of this makes sense, i am just hoping for some thoughts.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

broken1234, here is some advice for you, in response to the title of your thread and what you write in it.

Divorce your husband.

You honestly don't sound like the kind of gal who needs to be married.

You've been married a short time and you're already thinking about divorce, apparently because your husband can't be bothered to be sensitive and nurturing all the time. Maybe because he has a job and interests outside of "making wifey happy." Maybe not. He may be a worthless slug. For a wife, you don't exactly sing his praises in your brief post.

So divorce him, and let him find someone who doesn't need as much attention as you do.

Then you will be free to find a sensitive caring guy who can devote himself to meeting your all-important emotional needs.

And your current husband will have an actual chance of meeting someone who appreciates him


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Broken, I am not a fan of Divorce, but hear what NLY is saying. While reading your post, it appears that you are demanding and not giving. I love my wife very much and will do what I can to save our marriage, but she is a taker and not a giver, which is basically a selfish person. 

My humble advice is to look to change yourself and your will see changes with your husband. I have done this with my wife and it is clear she is now starting to look within herself. We can only change ourselves. 

I wish you you the best!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

broken1234 said:


> but when i tell him what i am thinking he says that he cant be there emotionally for me if i am complaining or upset about him or his actions.



You need to be more specific. It sounds a bit like you are saying that when you bring an issue about the relationship or about him TO him, he doesn't agree with you. 

I don't *think* that's what you mean to say, but it's hard to tell.

Clarify, please. Give a couple of examples of the types of things you might say, and how he would react--his words and actions. "Not being there for you" is really vague.


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## broken1234 (Mar 22, 2012)

@ NLY thank you for the advice, Im not sure if i agree with everything you said, but that is why i am on here to figure out how to work with my marriage and what i can do to make things better.

@thisisme - i guess i should have written more about my life and my husband to explain more of a history or pattern, but i know i am a giver... so much so that i dont feel apprecaited. All of the things that i have "given" or helped w are tangible items but the issues i have dealt with with his X, kids and court and working thru those things i feel if i didnt support him then i woudl be a taker and i dont really feel like i am. I married a man with alot of baggage and about 4 years younger than me. I fell in love i didnt think about all the What if's - so that is my fault, i actually just followed my heart. Do i think we both need to work on things yes... i just have a hard time trying to maintain the things i need to work on when i dont see him putting in efforts. 

@sister - to better explain myself, when i go to him about a concern about him i dont want him to agree with me or even do somethign a certain way, i woudl like him to hear my concerns and if and when something comes up to reflect back to my previous concern and not just shut down and do nothing. 

example - 
i say to him, hey can you try this next time instead of this... he says NOTHING
i say to him, hey can you give me some empathy sometimes when i am telling you somethign that bothers me - he says sure and walks out of the room
Hey says things like - i am sorry, but if you had not done this that i woudlnt have done that - not really an i am sorry if you ask me.

this may sound diff to some people but i am really on here to figure out a way to make things work and after reading others posts i see that there are some that have bigger problems then me, but what i get out of that is i dont want my marriage problems to get to that point so i am working to try to figure this out.


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

Sounds like you were hoping for a girlfriend rather than a husband. Sounds also like you expect a one-way relationship. Does he try to occupy *your* attention 24/7 with an unending dribble of trivial drivel? Of course not! He's a man. We don't generally do that.

Not that I have a lot of patience for him either. Got himself a woman by being a nice guy, am oops! the girl expects him not only to continue to be a nice guy, but to be one every hour if the day and night. He's starting to realize that the sex just ain't worth it. Wonder how long before he finally snaps ant yells a you to just shut the frick up and give him 5 minutes of peace.

Maybe you should give up needing so much damn "emotional support". Maybe you should grow up a little.

"i say to him, hey can you try this next time instead of this... he says NOTHING". Also known as "being controlling" and "criticizing every little thing I do". What do you *want* him to say? An emotional 10 minute apology for not doing it *your* way, the *right* way, first time? And now you are complaining about him tuning out you complaining - generating content-free drama just for the sake of drama. 

And you have kids? He should divorce you ASAP yo reduce his liability.

Ps: people who say they are these amazing "givers" - sometimes the rest of the world has reason not to see them they way they see themselves. Go google "passive aggressive personality disorder". Just sayin'. You may be shocked at how little the kids wnt you in their lives once they are grown.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broken1234 (Mar 22, 2012)

well thank you everyone for the advice... maybe i was hoping for more thoughts from both perspectives -


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

broken1234 said:


> well thank you everyone for the advice... maybe i was hoping for more thoughts from both perspectives -


broken1234, what exactly were you expecting??????

You post your thread under "Considering Divorce or Separation."

You describe yourself as a "giver" without actually mentioning what you "give" into the relationship.

You have nothing positive to say about your husband at all.

Your reason for considering divorce is "he doesn't support me emotionally." As reasons for divorcing goes, this ranks slightly below reasons like "he beats me" or "he cheated on me" or "he has a drug problem" or "he hid thousands of dollars of debt from me" or "he has run up thousands of dollars of debt since we got married" or "he hates my kids from a previous marriage" or "he hates my parents / siblings" or "he hates my church because the pastor sucker-punched me" (sorry, inside joke, at least to me).

The advice you are given depends in large part on what information you provide. 

It may be that you truly are a giver, and that your husband is a selfish jerk, undeserving of your affection.

It may be that you are a primadonna with a princess complex, so starved for attention that you are posting your drama to anonymous internet sites like TAM, and that your husband will be well rid of you.

You haven't provided enough information for anyone to really give you much good feedback.

Based on what you have written, I think your reasons for being dissatisfied in your marriage are frivolous, and that the fact that you consider them serious to be an indication that you're not really ready for marriage.

And I could be 100% wrong, because I don't know enough of your background together.

So let's try this. If you want some better advice and recommendations, post up more information like:

Does your husband do anything good? Was the ONLY reason you fell in love with him because he was there for you emotionally? No attraction due to sexual compatibility or intellectual common ground or he had a steady job and could pay some of your bills? Give examples of instances where he emotionally supported you before, but doesn't now.

What exactly do YOU bring to the marriage? Are YOU the primary bread winner, raking in the big bucks and allowing him to not work? How do you meet his needs? How do you KNOW you're meeting his needs (as opposed to saying, "I'm a giver, I meet his needs!" What does HE think?).

What were your expectations of marriage, such that only a short time into one, you're eye-ing the exits?

And what exactly are you looking for? Suggestions that will fix your marriage? What is the goal? You need advice. Okay. Advice towards WHAT?


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