# 8 weeks and miserable...update



## emt7535 (Jan 20, 2013)

Well here's an update of how things have been going. I have been gone for 8 weeks now. I have gotten a townhouse which I am slowly furnishing since I left everything with her and the kids. I am getting to see my kids about two weeks out of the month which is a blessing. The only thing is I am miserable. I am constantly thinking about her, what she is doing and who she is doing it with. The other day she asked if I thought there was a probability of me going back to her. I told her no, that when I sat the kids down and told them about the divorce that there was no turning back (for those who dont know this will be the third time we have filed for divorce). In the back of my mind I know that if I go back that things will just be the way they were, the constant fussing and fighting and lack of affection on both our parts. Neither one of us have really tried to fix things since being apart this time, but at least we on somewhat friendly terms and the kids have not seen us argue in 8 weeks which is a new record. So knowing all of this why do I feel so terrible and miserable?? In my heart I want a fairy tale marriage but in my mind I'm pretty sure that that will never occur. So what can I do to help me move on??? We are planning on seeing a mediator soon to help iron out the kinks of the divorce. I know that I love her and always will, but if I was in love with her wouldn't I be trying harder to fix things??? We were set to go see a counselor but decided to cancel it because we both felt that we had drifted apart even further and that neither one of us was really trying. Can someone give me some usable advice?


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## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

You feel miserable because deep down inside you really don't want to give up your marriage. Being married is hard and people don't seem to understand how hard it is. These days people don't take their Vows seriously. What does "for Better or for Worse" means to you? Every marriage has simple or even heated arguments or go through there ups and downs and if not, something is wrong in the marriage. What married people fail to understand is when at your worst, work extra hard to make it better and also put God first in your marriage. Don't just easily give up on marriage and run to Divorce (thinking that's going to solve all your problems), fight for it. Identify your faults and the problems and fix it. But, it does take two in order to fix a marriage. What you and your wife are going through, is fixable. I know many people that went through worst things in their marriage and still standing together STRONG!!!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

A D does not solve problems, it creates more. A separation in your case can be a good thing. If there is all the love there, why not fight for it? Are both of you bull headed? That leads to urinating contests. The grass isn't always greener on the other side and sometimes when it is, it grows on a septic tank. If it takes 6 months to realize how you feel about one another....so be it. Don't stay together for the kids but 'fight harder because of the kids'.


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## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

@ Chuck71, I totally agree 100%!!!!


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## emt7535 (Jan 20, 2013)

82baby thank you for your input. I talked to her today and she wanted to know if I had found a mediator yet. I told her that I have not had time to do that with trying to move and get settled in while working. So she said that she would find one. So it seems to me that she is ready to put this behind her and move on with her life. I know that we will always be connected b/c of the kids but I think it is time to try and put this behind me, learn from my mistakes and fix myself. What is a person supposed to do when there is never any compromise????


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## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

@Emt, It not over until its over. If you really want your marriage, pray and ask God to restore your marriage. Let go and let God be in control of your marriage. There isn't anything that God cannot do.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Emt -

Take it from somebody who's been there. Take some time apart, give each other some space, keep being a good dad to those kids. When you feel calm enough to speak to your wife without shouting or storming out, tell her the truth, that you love and miss her and the kids. Bad.

No pleading, whining, begging, nut up, but just be honest and don't let your pride overcome your love for your family.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

I love threads like these. So heartwarming to see people supporting someone else to stay in the marriage, or at least keep trying. Keep trying, it's like the anthem we all need to hear on our wedding day. And every day after that. All the best to you, @emt.


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## emt7535 (Jan 20, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the input. I guess I will wait and see what happens. What other choice do I have at this point. If she wants to initiate contact with a mediator then I can not stop her. However, as I told her last pm I do not want to cross that bridge just yet. I was hoping that by me moving out and getting away from living around the in-laws that she would want to move in with me but she is hell bent and determined to stay up under the thumb and noses of her family. I only moved out b/c I was tired of the kids seeing us bicker and fight everyday about nonsense. I want my kids to be in a home where they see their parents happy and in love. So knowing all of this, why is something that I choose to do making me feel like crap? Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in the past nine weeks of being apart from her and the kids. But I keep telling myself that what I did I did for the kids, so they wouldnt have to be subject to all the fighting and name calling that was going on. I really appreciate everyones responses and thanks to TAM I get to vent and release all that is pent up inside me.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Being under the wrath of in-laws is poison. She married you....not her family. That needs to be noted right away if it has not already.


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## emt7535 (Jan 20, 2013)

well tonight she told me that she was done with me forever....That only made my depression worse. But I really dont understand the depression. In my heart I know that we are not good for each other and the kids deserve better than to see us fight non-stop.. So why now after 9 weeks now is this sticking depression and anxiety creeping in on me??? Is it b/c I have finally realized that I am alone and probably will be for a long while??? You would think that this time would be easier since this is the third time this has happened between us.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Emt - 

Unfotunately, Theres no time limit on this bullsh!t. But I understand, I would rather take a bullet than hear those words from my W again - I don't love you, I am so unhappy with you. 

Don't despair. Stand back. Give it time. Don't give up.


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