# Why so Serious?



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

New here, but have a relationship issue that is not at all common, and would appreciate some thoughts.

Basically, I've had a happy marriage until the last few years. Married 24 years. My wife is a good woman. We were always very close, or at least I was close to her. Problem is, we married young. Married at 20, and we were both committed to it. Even according to her, our love life is great.

The problem? She once had a strong, independent personality. Slowly, over time, she has become somewhat like one of my children in the sense of being very dependent. Her psychiatrists agree that she really struggles with trusting, and there is a serious problem with assuming her own motivations for the people in her life, and usually the worst motivations, even me. Seems like half our arguments go where I find out I thought something that I had no idea of. She used to be popular in the business where she works, but now has no friends. 

She tells our marriage counselors that I am her life motivator. Problem is, she has slowly become the type of person with no interests or hobbies. None. To her, I should be the one sitting by her side at every moment.

I used to make her laugh, but now she is extremely practical.

Believe me, we've looked for underlying problems. Depression is there, but the psychiatrists says that its different.

But to keep it balanced, she can get caught up in the family dramas from time to time, and will laugh along for a bit, but it quickly fades and she rarely instigates. By dramas, I'm talking about some new activity that I'll use to keep things positive before our kids went off to college. For instance, I'll get them onboard with playing out a scene from a melodrama or something. I've always tried to use the direct approach to help her see what's going on instead of caving and being all.

So, she's slowly become a very practical, yet dependent person. 
No life energy.

Has anyone ever been able to help a wife/husband come out of a downward spiral that has lasted over a decade? And secondly, if you ultimately choose to persue some sort of happiness alone, how do you cope with the guilt? Her mother tells me that she is not unique in her family, and says that her daughter (my wife) feels like she is a weight around my neck. I hate this, but I'm in my mid forties, finally financially successful, and struggling with a loss of a chance for really connecting with her..

BTW - I've never cheated, but her therapist says that there are some serious insecurities in her regarding me. The therapist, according to my wife, calls me something very derogatory like 'stud muffin' or 'the guy with the delicious butt', just to get my wife joking. Said my wife trusts me, but feel like she deserves to lose me. It hurts, because this was similar to one of the lines I added when I wrote our wedding vows. I just want her to be happy, though.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Her life is changing. With the kids going off to college, you have become her "mission" in life. The dedication to care for someone, now that the kids are gone, has shifted to someone who doesn't need taking care of. Suddenly, she "isn't needed" and it's weighing on her.

How's that for a thousand mile diagnosis? it's easy when you have gone through it for real.


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