# Help help help



## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you checked the phone bill to see if there is an unusual number being texted or called? 

The I love you but not in love with you speech is usually indicative of an affair. Separation is the logical next cheating step in order to give the cheater space to explore the new partner with unlimited freedom.

Did she offer marriage counseling? What are her issues with you? Has your sex left Ge changed in the last few years? Particularly lately?


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## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

alex_grant said:


> Hi everyone, my wife and I have 2 boys 10 and 12. We just separated which might lead to divorce. We have six months thinking time if we can change our minds.
> We have an awesome communication, we don't fight og exchange words. we are just calm couple.
> I have the kids every other week, and it's the first time I have had the kids. She wrote to me a couple of days ago that she would like that I stay for dinner, we eat together when Im delivering the kids at her place. I'm confused if I should accept it the offer or not. I really need your help. She left because she felt I have taken her for granted. Every time I ask her to come back she tells she would like to but she can't decide that right now. She keep saying I have no love for you and she is hoping with time it will come. She tells me she not going in for another man and that is not why she is leaving. She says I should trust her that she is not going in for another man but she need time to heal and hope that after the healing she will start loving me. I really need your advice what to do. Should I accept the dinner offer ? Thank you
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If you want to save your marriage then yes I would accept her dinner invite and invite her to things yourself. Is sounds like she wants to love you, so that is a good sign. The fact that you two get along is also a good sign, it makes the most sense for her to stay married to the father of her children. But if she is conflict avoidant, getting along calmly may also mean she has just been giving you your way on things and not speaking up for herself, and now she feels used and abused.

I'd read the book His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley right away since she feels taken for granted. There is some great stuff here by the same author: Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice.

Her saying you should just trust her though - that is ridiculous and unrealistic. Wanting to physically separate often is the sign of an affair, or the desire to have one. 

What does she need to "heal" from? Also, did she explain what she means when she says you have taken her for granted?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So you know she isn't having an affair because she said so ? But she had an affair just before she dumped you and moved out?


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## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

I know for sure she is not having any affair . Really sure!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If you are already past the point of separation and parenting plans, you are pretty far into this process.

If your goal is to R (Reconcile) I would absolutely accept her invite to dinner. I would also follow her lead and do dinner at your house on the flip side of the kid trade off. 

Also, perhaps plan some great dates to ask her out on. Bring her flowers when you go to dinner at her place. I'm not taking expensive long stem roses every time, but just a beautiful bunch of flowers from somewhere like Trader Joe's or Costco near you. Do all you can to win her back, and hear what she said made her feel the way she does, and make those adjustments. 

I hope you will be able to repair what is wrong, and reunite as a family again!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

But she already had an affair once. So she has the affair but you are the bad guy, what did you do exactly?


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## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

Yes 


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## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

I have lied to her and she doesn't trust me anymore. I haven't showed any love to her. She thinks 


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

alex_grant said:


> Yes she thought I have lied so much to her and doesn't trust me any more. Besides I have not showed any love to her .
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Have you stopped lying?
Are you able to?

Are you capable of showing love to her?
What adjustments have you made to become a better husband should she opt to give you another chance?


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## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

I


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I merge your 2 threads. Only one thread per topic please.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What did you lie about?


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## 2cool4school (Jan 26, 2017)

What about another women....
My cousins wife was cheating on him with there sons mom ! No one saw this coming or even fathomed it. Now there separated. Look into it.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

alex_grant said:


> I know for sure she is not having any affair


No you don't.

It's all just an illusion you have talked yourself into because it's easier than dealing with the truth.


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## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

Spicy said:


> If you are already past the point of separation and parenting plans, you are pretty far into this process.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

alex_grant said:


> Hi Spicy, Thank you for your advice! I think it's such an awesome advice. I'm supposed to have the dinner with her and the kids tomorrow, but this morning when I woke up she has sent about 5 messages that she wants me, she really sill love me and she wants my love. And then she has written a list of the things she wants me to change. She wants me to stop lying to her, accept all her friends, stop playing poker, and show her some love. In the message she wrote she wants me badly and love me. Now I'm confused and even don't know what to reply. Spicy are you able to help me with some advice ? Thank you
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


:redcard: Why didn't you accept her friends? 

Again what exactly did you lie about? It's fishy that you won't tell us.


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## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

sokillme said:


> :redcard: Why didn't you accept her friends?
> 
> 
> 
> Again what exactly did you lie about? It's fishy that you won't tell us.




I lied about playing poker


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## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

alex_grant said:


> I lied about playing poker
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




I just didn't like most of her friends because they were all divorced. 


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Sounds like plan A didn't work out.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

alex_grant said:


> Hi Spicy, Thank you for your advice! I think it's such an awesome advice. I'm supposed to have the dinner with her and the kids tomorrow, but this morning when I woke up she has sent about 5 messages that she wants me, she really sill love me and she wants my love. And then she has written a list of the things she wants me to change. She wants me to stop lying to her, accept all her friends, stop playing poker, and show her some love. In the message she wrote she wants me badly and love me. Now I'm confused and even don't know what to reply. Spicy are you able to help me with some advice ? Thank you. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You are very welcome! It sounds like abscence has made her heart grow fonder of you. So this is very good news. Do you feel like you can change those things on the list? If you can make them happen and you are certian, then I would respond with a "Baby, I'm more than happy to work on improving myself as a husband, because you deserve the best, and that is what I am wanting to give you." Then add, "I greatly appreciate this chance to make things right between us!" Then you *slowly* reconcile.


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## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

Spicy said:


> You are very welcome! It sounds like abscence has made her heart grow fonder of you. So this is very good news. Do you feel like you can change those things on the list? If you can make them happen and you are certian, then I would respond with a "Baby, I'm more than happy to work on improving myself as a husband, because you deserve the best, and that is what I am wanting to give you." Then add, "I greatly appreciate this chance to make things right between us!" Then you *slowly* reconcile.




Thank you so much for all your time and advice. You are awesome.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

alex_grant said:


> I just didn't like most of her friends because they were all divorced.


You wouldn't like me then.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

browser said:


> You wouldn't like me then.


Or the rest of us for that matter.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The only thing from her list I would suggest Alex is in the part of accepting all her friends...I would table that a conversation where you can discuss friends who are male and friends who may impact the marriage.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

What is wrong about playing poker? Where and who are you playing with? I don't play, see little value in it but so what if other do? But, poker involves exchange of money, sometimes large amounts. Friends who are divorced I can undertand. I know how other's issuess can slowly poison the people they are friends with relationships. 

So can you provide more detail on both subjects? 

Oh, plan a might have fizzered out, but just as likely her actions are a form of electric shock therapy.


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## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

Spicy said:


> If you are already past the point of separation and parenting plans, you are pretty far into this process.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Hi Spicy, I had an awesome dinner with her and our kids together. I came with flower and she was so excited about it. I was calm and she actually started telling me about why she took that decision, I understood her! She felt that I didn't love her and did not care about her. And she said that she can feel that she is finding her love for me again. She said to me Alex I really love you and she wants us to fix this marriage. We had a great time and I left looking happy and she was also happy. When delivering our kids to her place I forgot some few things so she passed by the following morning to pick them and I asked she wanted to eat breakfast with me? She yes why not she will love to. We had a nice breakfast together. When I had to see her off she hugged me strongly and looked into my eyes and said Alex I really love you and we should do all we can to fix everything. We kissed on the lips and left happily. We never argue or fight. We are both calm and the kids are just happy. 


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am so thrilled for you, your wife and your kids sweetheart! What wonderful steps are being made! Thanks for coming back and telling us! Good job hubby! Keep listening to her, remember to be genuine, and little things like a flower or a card, or a simple thing such as her favorite candy just lets her know you are thinking about her. When you reunite, saying "baby, I'm gonna do the dinner dishes tonight, you go watch your favorite show." We tend to start to take each other for granted. Life with small kids isn't easy. So the little things you can do for each other to show your care and affection go a long way. Keep up the good work! Love and peace be with you all.



alex_grant said:


> Hi Spicy, I had an awesome dinner with her and our kids together. I came with flower and she was so excited about it. I was calm and she actually started telling me about why she took that decision, I understood her! She felt that I didn't love her and did not care about her. And she said that she can feel that she is finding her love for me again. She said to me Alex I really love you and she wants us to fix this marriage. We had a great time and I left looking happy and she was also happy. When delivering our kids to her place I forgot some few things so she passed by the following morning to pick them and I asked she wanted to eat breakfast with me? She yes why not she will love to. We had a nice breakfast together. When I had to see her off she hugged me strongly and looked into my eyes and said Alex I really love you and we should do all we can to fix everything. We kissed on the lips and left happily. We never argue or fight. We are both calm and the kids are just happy.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If this was her version of a sh!t test, it worked for her. You passed. You passed the Bar [the door] Exam.

Wish you the best.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

gotta be honest here - I didn't expect this kind of change so quickly. I mean 5 days from first post like 2 days from dinner and her mind is completely changed. Somthin's up...

:scratchhead:


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

alex_grant said:


> We had a nice breakfast together. When I had to see her off she hugged me strongly and looked into my eyes and said Alex I really love you and we should do all we can to fix everything. We kissed on the lips and left happily. We never argue or fight. We are both calm and the kids are just happy.


At this point, instead of asking for advice, you should be giving advice.


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## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

Grapes said:


> gotta be honest here - I didn't expect this kind of change so quickly. I mean 5 days from first post like 2 days from dinner and her mind is completely changed. Somthin's up...
> 
> 
> 
> :scratchhead:




She is ready and want to fix the marriage. Before she was cold.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

alex_grant said:


> She is ready and want to fix the marriage. Before she was cold.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I get it man. Im happy for you! I'm just very surprised how quickly her tune changed... it wasn't just a little change either.. it was a complete 180 in like 2 days. something else could be up.. be it depression, some other life factor or like others said another dude.

Dont be surprised if the flip flopping continues and she goes cold again. infact, if she 180's (360 now or 1080?) you again something is definitely up. call it a hunch but i think your ride has just started. onward and upward my friend!


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## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

Grapes said:


> I get it man. Im happy for you! I'm just very surprised how quickly her tune changed... it wasn't just a little change either.. it was a complete 180 in like 2 days. something else could be up.. be it depression, some other life factor or like others said another dude.
> 
> 
> 
> Dont be surprised if the flip flopping continues and she goes cold again. infact, if she 180's (360 now or 1080?) you again something is definitely up. call it a hunch but i think your ride has just started. onward and upward my friend!




I understand you but in this process men often think about ourselves wanting things to be quick. For the women and their emotional feelings it can take a long time. There are different feelings almost everyday, both negative and positive. We the men should not pressure at all. In my situation she has no man behind, she wants to work it out with me. She says she doesn't want anyone she wants me, she says she loves me and want to develope her love for me again. We have kids together and she knows I love her and it's my fault all this has happened. She has lost the love for me and I totally understand her. The love can't rise up like that . I have to do feel attracted to her again and we are still working on. We are actually doing good and hopefully all will be well.


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

alex_grant said:


> I understand you but in this process men often think about ourselves wanting things to be quick. For the women and their emotional feelings it can take a long time. There are different feelings almost everyday, both negative and positive. We the men should not pressure at all. In my situation she has no man behind, she wants to work it out with me. She says she doesn't want anyone she wants me, she says she loves me and want to develope her love for me again. We have kids together and she knows I love her and it's my fault all this has happened. She has lost the love for me and I totally understand her. The love can't rise up like that . I have to do feel attracted to her again and we are still working on. We are actually doing good and hopefully all will be well.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


While this certainly sounds like great news for you and your family, I have to agree with others that this is bizarre. However, I noticed in your original post that you didn't mention how long the two of you had been separated prior to the dinner invitation. Was it weeks? Months? You indicated that you two had agreed on a six month period to figure things out but a lot of advice on here would depend on how long the separation lasted.

I hate to say it but I tend to agree with others that have said another man is involved and when it went sour with him she came back. That could be way off base but given the amount of stories you see on here where it turns out to be true it's impossible to ignore the possibility. Now, if you're at a place where that doesn't matter to you either way then Godspeed. But if it would change your mind to know she had an affair then you probably want to ask her point blank if there was someone else.

With the gambling, how much are we talking? Are you still doing it now and are you in a place that you can be honest about it with her? I sense that there is more to this than is being conveyed because unless you were an addict and losing most of your funds it doesn't seem like enough for her to leave.

Did you mistreat her? Did she mistreat you? All I can say right now is be careful. As others stated, she's likely to flip-flop some more in the coming weeks to months.


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## alex_grant (Jan 26, 2017)

golfpanther said:


> While this certainly sounds like great news for you and your family, I have to agree with others that this is bizarre. However, I noticed in your original post that you didn't mention how long the two of you had been separated prior to the dinner invitation. Was it weeks? Months? You indicated that you two had agreed on a six month period to figure things out but a lot of advice on here would depend on how long the separation lasted.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Hi Golfpanther, I took her for granted! I don't play poker anymore. She can see a huge change in me, she said and I have actually becoming better myself which I glad for. We have been separated for 3 weeks now. We invite each other for dinner every Sunday evening when we deliver our kids. Communication is awesome we never get annoyed with each other. She has calmed down and has come so much closer to me than even a week ago. The feeling at moment for me it's like having a new girlfriend living afar. She sends me lovely text messages in the morning and also when I'm at job. We kiss which I couldn't before. We hold and touch each other but haven't had sex yet. She said we should get a counselor to help us through this process which I think it's a good idea. She tells me she really want to work on our marriage to function. I have given her time to be herself to think and deal with the process she is going through which helps her a lot. I'm also dealing with my own process which I need also time to fix them. But all in all we will soon come back. We have even planned to celebrate Valentine's Day together. 


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