# Wonderful Husband, but Things Have Changed



## Mrs.Kayla (Nov 13, 2020)

I feel I'm dishonoring my husband by talking about this. But I'm in a deep depression over this and I can't turn to family or friends. So here I am. 
I love my husband, we have a great relationship in every way. I know he's not cheating, nor would I. I don't think he is into porn because he says it's for immature men. So that makes me happy. We weren't intimate before we married, and we didn't live together. But we were very affectionate. He would often say "I can't keep my hands off you". We had no issues in that area that I could see.
We married much older and so I don't expect to be jumping off the walls. But we are still fairly newly married. He was out of work for two yrs. and it devastated both of us. I know it was hard on him. We both fell into depression. We have a large house so he spent much of his time in the basement watching tv. I would try to coax him out and he did sometimes, but I know he was very depressed. About a year ago he got a great job. It pays well, plus overtime and his drive to work is literally around the corner. I was so happy for him and proud of him.
But in all of that somehow we lost each other. We use to love to sit in the swing and talk and sometimes it would turn into being somewhat intimate. Then suddenly all the affection stopped, just a kiss on the forehead. We had both gained some weight but not badly. I worked to get it off and lost a pant size or more and he lost his getting back to work. I tried to gently talk about it and all he would say is "I'm old". He has high blood pressure that he takes pills for and has always had issues with that but it never mattered to me. I was willing to do whatever gave him pleasure and it wasn't anything too far out. But overnight it seemed he wasn't interested in touching me at all. Starting to cry even writing this. I'm heartbroken. It's like I lost him somewhere. We were so happy and in love. I love him to the moon and back, he says he loves me and hasn't done anything to make me think he doesn't mean it. But I don't know what changed. He won't talk about it. 
I'm sorry this is so long. I just don't know what I did wrong. We've always been able to talk through things. He simply stopped touching me and if I try to touch him he says he's tired or walks away with some excuse. We really use to enjoy each other. But this has come between us and I feel rejected, unattractive, and hopeless. I haven't told a soul. I'm embarrassed. My sister talks about her husband bugging her for sex and I laugh alone, all men want sex right? But not mine. And it hurts. I don't even know if I should post this. I just don't know what else to do.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

The majority of BP meds will kill a man’s libido. Lisinopril is about the only one that won’t. Which one(s) is he on? Also, has he had his testosterone checked? Do NOT go by what a GP says is the right level - frequently they will see the T level of a 90 yr old man in someone half that age and say it’s fine. No it’s not. You need to see a specialty clinic.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

You didn’t do anything. This has nothing to do with you so please don’t blame yourself. 

How old is he exactly? From the sounds of it, you guys never really had a crazy sex life so I wouldn’t expect him to be A HD (high drive) person. But things should stop completely. 

When was the last time you guys had sex? I hope that you still kiss and hug him and try to be affectionate with me.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Oh and... what does your husband do that makes him so wonderful?


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## Mrs.Kayla (Nov 13, 2020)

gr8ful1 said:


> The majority of BP meds will kill a man’s libido. Lisinopril is about the only one that won’t. Which one(s) is he on? Also, has he had his testosterone checked? Do NOT go by what a GP says is the right level - frequently they will see the T level of a 90 yr old man in someone half that age and say it’s fine. No it’s not. You need to see a specialty clinic.


He's tried other BP meds but this has worked the best for him. He smokes, though he's cut way back. He doesn't even want to talk about the subject. Shuts me down, he's never been like that.I doubt he would go to a doctor. I don't even know how to bring it up. He seems to have shut down in this area and discussion is closed. We've been married six years. I've tried everything I know to do. He's a very private person, and I understand that. But I really...miss him. And he can't seem to see it, or doesn't want to. It's heartbreaking.


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## Mrs.Kayla (Nov 13, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> You didn’t do anything. This has nothing to do with you so please don’t blame yourself.
> 
> How old is he exactly? From the sounds of it, you guys never really had a crazy sex life so I wouldn’t expect him to be A HD (high drive) person. But things should stop completely.
> 
> When was the last time you guys had sex? I hope that you still kiss and hug him and try to be affectionate with me.



It's been a year. He's 52 last July. And he's not in poor physical shape at all. No, he's not HD, as you say. But we were both satisfied with what we had. I have chronic pain issues so we were on each others level. I do try to kiss and hug and he seems ok with that as long as it's not leading to anything else.


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## Mrs.Kayla (Nov 13, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Oh and... what does your husband do that makes him so wonderful?



Too many things to share here. He is a truly thoughtful and wonderful person. No issues there.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Mrs.Kayla said:


> Too many things to share here. He is a truly thoughtful and wonderful person. No issues there.


I ask because you may think he is wonderful, but I see him as neglectful. It’s a sad feeling to feel lonely in your marriage. I think that if he cared about your feelings he wouldn’t shut you down. He’s being stubborn, and it’s probably because he’s embarrassed and feels bad and doesn’t know what to say. But that doesn’t make it ok. 
All I can tell you is that you need to sit him down and tell him very bluntly how he is making you feel. That you miss him. And don’t let him shut you down, tell him that this is important to you. And if it’s important to you it should be important to him. 

You need to be stubborn and advocate for yourself. You deserve it. And I’m sure he loves you to pieces but If that isn’t translating to feeling loved for you, he needs to adjust somethings.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

We had a similar post from another woman that's over in the General Relationship forum. Her husband shut down, stopped being affectionate, and wouldn't discuss the issue or deal with it. You can't bring up this subject if the only "response" you get is a non-response that basically eliminates any chance to address the issue. It boils down to him not wishing to face what's wrong.

I'd suggest you let it drop. Do you have family and/or friends nearby you can hang out with? You don't have to discuss this issue, but being around others could help lift your spirits. Exercise. Take walks, ride a bike, whatever. Exercise is the one thing that helps my depression. And I know of what I speak, having been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder + depression years ago. I know it's challenging to get moving, but you will feel better. 

And when I say let this subject drop, I do so because if you take your focus off the problem and get it back on living your own life, he may just come around and open up to you. You said your husband wouldn't cheat. Sadly, there is the possibility that he's met someone at work. It very well might not be a PA, but don't rule out an EA. While that may not be the case, it's something you should consider.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. It would behoove you to learn the art of detachment. I know it got me through the hell of being married to an alcoholic.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds as if you have a good marriage apart from this one thing. I would suggest that you write him a letter in which you write down all your feelings and deep hurts about this. Let him read it and take it in and then bring it up again. I suspect that with the depression and medication he may be having erection issues and is worried that he will not be able to have sex. 
You could also suggest Marriage Counselling but he may well not want than if he doesn't want to talk about what is happening sexually.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I may have missed it, does he take medication(s) for his depression? Those can kill libido as well, and so can untreated depression.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I remember a similar story where a husband was struggling in silent with erectile disfunction. If your husband is in his 50s, smokes, has high blood pressure, and may also have high blood sugar, then erectile disfunction could be an issue and he is struggling to confront it. 

Also with a new job, he very well could have someone that he comes into contact with that he enjoys that time a little too much. His emotions surrounding this person could be what has pulled him away from you. He may or may not have any physical contact with this other person as it could be just an emotional affair. That is a vulnerability of someone struggling with depression. 

Your probably gonna want to place a voice activated recorder in his car to see what type of phone calls he is making while out of the house. That will let you know very quick exactly what is going on.


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## Mrs.Kayla (Nov 13, 2020)

bobert said:


> I may have missed it, does he take medication(s) for his depression? Those can kill libido as well, and so can untreated depression.


No he doesn't suffer depression. He takes meds for high blood pressure.


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## Mrs.Kayla (Nov 13, 2020)

badsanta said:


> I remember a similar story where a husband was struggling in silent with erectile disfunction. If your husband is in his 50s, smokes, has high blood pressure, and may also have high blood sugar, then erectile disfunction could be an issue and he is struggling to confront it.
> 
> Also with a new job, he very well could have someone that he comes into contact with that he enjoys that time a little too much. His emotions surrounding this person could be what has pulled him away from you. He may or may not have any physical contact with this other person as it could be just an emotional affair. That is a vulnerability of someone struggling with depression.
> 
> Your probably gonna want to place a voice activated recorder in his car to see what type of phone calls he is making while out of the house. That will let you know very quick exactly what is going on.


No I know he isn't cheating. He was married once before me and she cheated on him. His father cheated on his mother. We were very clear with each other if it was over, we would tell one another and not drag it out. We have talked often about how his ex made him feel. And he hates his father for hurting his mother. So much so that he hadn't talked to his father in years.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Mrs.Kayla you did not marry to be a nun. When you married him it was with the expectation that he would do his very best to meet your sexual needs and you his. 52 is too young for a man to be giving up on sex, and he is NOT too old. That is an excuse not to go to the doctor and get medication to help him achieve an erection. You are miserable, and if he can not see that then your only choice is to give him an ultimatum. He either gets to a doctor and the two of you start creating some kind of sex life or you will be looking at possibly divorcing. Se us guys are stubborn, and we are simple. Lay it out to him in simple terms, and if he hollers or makes a fuss just hold your ground and tell him it's his choice. But you have to mean it. 

If you cannot stand up for yourself and the marriage then you will do one of two things: you will continue your downward spiral into despair and you will grow to resent him; and/or you may be at risk of having an affair. I know you don't want that.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Is he watching porn while he’s in the basement? If he’s been masturbating on a daily basis then he may not be capable of having sex with you.
Look up “death grip syndrome”.


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## Mrs.Kayla (Nov 13, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Is he watching porn while he’s in the basement? If he’s been masturbating on a daily basis then he may not be capable of having sex with you.
> Look up “death grip syndrome”.


No, I dont believe so. He has said he's seen it ruin his friends relationships and it is derogatory to women. The door is always open and I often pop down.


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## Mrs.Kayla (Nov 13, 2020)

bandit.45 said:


> Mrs.Kayla you did not marry to be a nun. When you married him it was with the expectation that he would do his very best to meet your sexual needs and you his. 52 is too young for a man to be giving up on sex, and he is NOT too old. That is an excuse not to go to the doctor and get medication to help him achieve an erection. You are miserable, and if he can not see that then your only choice is to give him an ultimatum. He either gets to a doctor and the two of you start creating some kind of sex life or you will be looking at possibly divorcing. Se us guys are stubborn, and we are simple. Lay it out to him in simple terms, and if he hollers or makes a fuss just hold your ground and tell him it's his choice. But you have to mean it.
> 
> If you cannot stand up for yourself and the marriage then you will do one of two things: you will continue your downward spiral into despair and you will grow to resent him; and/or you may be at risk of having an affair. I know you don't want that.


Thank you, you've given me a lot to think on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Kayla, my bf is 55. He has type I diabetes, takes bp bills, had open heart surgery to correct a defect a few months ago, and still wants sex. 

He controls his sugar very well and only has trouble keeping it up when his sugar gets very low.

Your hb has basically told you he's unconcerned whether you're sexually happy. If he'd at least made efforts to deal with it and it didn't work that's one thing, but this guy has done nothing.

If this is your life going forward you're going to become more and more unhappy until you finally detach, and then if he finally decides to try it won't matter to you. There's a good chance he'll claim to be blindsided because you haven't made clear that this is a deal breaker.

You'd be doing your marriage a tremendous service by telling him right now that you aren't going to remain in a sexless marriage. If he ignores you you'll have your answer and if he starts to make an effort you'll still be receptive.

One of the biggest mistakes we women make with our husbands is that we don't tell them that something is serious enough to leave while we're still invested enough that they still have a chance to fix it. Tell him right now that you're not going to stick around if he makes no effort to deal with it, then drop it and observe.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Mrs.Kayla said:


> No, I dont believe so. He has said he's seen it ruin his friends relationships and it is derogatory to women. The door is always open and I often pop down.


Does he realize not having sex with your spouse also ruins marriages.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mrs.Kayla said:


> No I know he isn't cheating. He was married once before me and she cheated on him. His father cheated on his mother. We were very clear with each other if it was over, we would tell one another and not drag it out. We have talked often about how his ex made him feel. And he hates his father for hurting his mother. So much so that he hadn't talked to his father in years.


You just laid out your conversation to your husband. You both promised to tell one another if it's over. Ask him if the lack of intimacy is an indication it's over. Especially since you believe that's not the case; it's a relatively-safe way to bring up the conversation.

He's 52, not sure of your age but likely similar... if so inclined, there are people your age still going at it like rabbits. The smoking though... if only. Do you smoke as well? Are you a reformed smoker? Could he feel inadequate because he still smokes?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> Does he realize not having sex with your spouse also ruins marriages.


Not having sex with your spouse is a lot worse. At least if you're sexually cared for you might be able to tolerate some porn.


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## Mrs.Kayla (Nov 13, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> You just laid out your conversation to your husband. You both promised to tell one another if it's over. Ask him if the lack of intimacy is an indication it's over. Especially since you believe that's not the case; it's a relatively-safe way to bring up the conversation.
> 
> He's 52, not sure of your age but likely similar... if so inclined, there are people your age still going at it like rabbits. The smoking though... if only. Do you smoke as well? Are you a reformed smoker? Could he feel inadequate because he still smokes?


He is six yrs older than I am. No,I don't smoke and never have.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Has he had his testosterone level checked?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body. It leads to atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries) and small blood vessel blockage. It affects adversely, blood flow, and leads to ED.

Is he a pot smoker, also?

Smoking can take 15 years off your life. Lung disease *is* in store for him.

Send him to an anti-smoking clinic. Most insurance companies will pay for these programs.

I agree, put him on TRT (hormone therapy).

He *must,* first, quit smoking.

I am positive that he has been told this many times!

I read somewhere that it takes 7 years to heal the lungs from smoking. It may leave some scarring and permanent lung damage and less lung capacity. But, a person can get much better.

Get him walking, also.

Hurry!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

His being LD, or no 'D', likely was the reason for his ex wife's cheating.
Merely, a reason and an excuse for her, _not ever_ a moral excuse.
This notion is not acceptable on TAM. (it is, one thought of, a reason, never endorsed).

Some men and women are asexual.
They are just not interested in intimacy

They make good candidates for the priesthood, conversely, the nunnery.

A hard fact this.
A not-hard fact for men.
...............................................................

Not mentioned....

Could he be a closet gay?
Could he be on-the-spectrum?

Every possibility must be aired.
............................................................

We are our chemistry.
We each have our flavor and favors.
We are just (varied mixtures) of gender.

.........................................................

Many folks on this blog, and in this life have no use for those who are LD.
And, they are disparaged.

The proper response would be to live with them, work with them, or divorce them.....amicably.

Life is short, too short.
Act in your best interest and as fairly as is possible.

.......................................................

You are 45 years old.

You are_ likely_ experiencing that mid-life crisis. 
A major mental and sexual phenomenon for many.

IMO, you are too young to remain celibate.

Your call, not ours.

Life is not just sex and intimacy, but it IS a major perk.

Good luck..



_Are Dee-_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> His being LD, or no 'D', likely was the reason for his ex wife's cheating.
> Merely, a reason and an excuse for her, _not ever_ a moral excuse.
> This notion is not acceptable on TAM. (it is, one thought of, a reason, never endorsed).
> 
> ...


This is a great point. Few here like to acknowledge that there actually are reasons people cheat. That doesn't make it ok....it just makes a bad situation worse. But if you want to understand what happened it's important to acknowledge it. Betrayed spouses aren't always martyrs.

It is quite possible his ex cheated because he wasn't having sex with her. It's not a justification and she should've just left, but that could be what happened.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Mrs.Kayla said:


> I feel I'm dishonoring my husband by talking about this. But I'm in a deep depression over this and I can't turn to family or friends. So here I am.
> I love my husband, we have a great relationship in every way. I know he's not cheating, nor would I. I don't think he is into porn because he says it's for immature men. So that makes me happy. We weren't intimate before we married, and we didn't live together. But we were very affectionate. He would often say "I can't keep my hands off you". We had no issues in that area that I could see.
> We married much older and so I don't expect to be jumping off the walls. But we are still fairly newly married. He was out of work for two yrs. and it devastated both of us. I know it was hard on him. We both fell into depression. We have a large house so he spent much of his time in the basement watching tv. I would try to coax him out and he did sometimes, but I know he was very depressed. About a year ago he got a great job. It pays well, plus overtime and his drive to work is literally around the corner. I was so happy for him and proud of him.
> But in all of that somehow we lost each other. We use to love to sit in the swing and talk and sometimes it would turn into being somewhat intimate. Then suddenly all the affection stopped, just a kiss on the forehead. We had both gained some weight but not badly. I worked to get it off and lost a pant size or more and he lost his getting back to work. I tried to gently talk about it and all he would say is "I'm old". He has high blood pressure that he takes pills for and has always had issues with that but it never mattered to me. I was willing to do whatever gave him pleasure and it wasn't anything too far out. But overnight it seemed he wasn't interested in touching me at all. Starting to cry even writing this. I'm heartbroken. It's like I lost him somewhere. We were so happy and in love. I love him to the moon and back, he says he loves me and hasn't done anything to make me think he doesn't mean it. But I don't know what changed. He won't talk about it.
> I'm sorry this is so long. I just don't know what I did wrong. We've always been able to talk through things. He simply stopped touching me and if I try to touch him he says he's tired or walks away with some excuse. We really use to enjoy each other. But this has come between us and I feel rejected, unattractive, and hopeless. I haven't told a soul. I'm embarrassed. My sister talks about her husband bugging her for sex and I laugh alone, all men want sex right? But not mine. And it hurts. I don't even know if I should post this. I just don't know what else to do.


I absolutely would not rule out cheating and/or porn. Many men say one thing about it, but do another. Don't listen to his words, watch his actions. 

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mrs.Kayla said:


> No I know he isn't cheating. He was married once before me and she cheated on him. His father cheated on his mother. We were very clear with each other if it was over, we would tell one another and not drag it out. We have talked often about how his ex made him feel. And he hates his father for hurting his mother. So much so that he hadn't talked to his father in years.


If you don't have hidden cameras on him 24/7 then you don't *know *that he isn't involved with someone else or isn't spanking to porn all the time. You are just going off of what he says and cheaters lie and people who spank to porn all the time lie. 

Both of those are possibilities that should not simply be brushed off. 

Other possibilities are the health issues and medications. And there may be relationship issues that you either are not aware of or are not disclosing here. 

The real crux here regardless of primary reason is his lack of addressing it with you. 

I'm 56 and I would be down for daily physical affection and making out etc and believe I would be down for daily sexual activity with a willing partner as well so age is no excuse. 

I'm not a doctor so can't give health or medical advice but I believe diet and exercise and healthy lifestyles are medicine. Sexuality is a component of life. Losing sexuality is harbinger of death. 

In order to address this, he has to come to the table. You may need to blow something up to get him to do that. He may need to be looking at an empty house or divorce papers or the loss of his Wife Appliance to get the motivation he needs to address these issues.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It seems like when talking about erectile dysfunction, man always just talk around the subject. For example an old boyfriend of mine, when I was about ready to pull my hair out, the most he would say was that he had a confidence problem, but that didn't mean erectile dysfunction to me, especially since he was a performer. 

So I didn't know and it would be 10 years later after he was married and had a baby and had been through therapy that he could finally talk about it. 

I think your husband's saying he's old is code for he can't function well anymore. And I know you don't care but one thing men hate is to try and fail. They find it very humiliating. Never mind that we women don't get off every time. We don't blame that on anyone usually because sometimes that's just the way it is. The guys take all this crap very seriously and are too focused on it and hang too much of their Identity on it. It seems comical to most women I know how seriously they take anything about their penis. 

But I think that's what's going on. I've heard for decades that blood pressure medication can contribute to that, but so can age and sometimes a man is just blaming it on something else. 

He can certainly try talking to his doctor and if it is a problem with ED he can also try ED medication. 

Why don't you have a difficult short conversation with him and ask him if he would like to try Viagra or something or if he would just rather let it go. That way at least you know in case there's something else going on. Good luck.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

And I do agree with the other poster especially since he's been staying down in the basement that he's probably lying about not watching porn and that porn could be running him for real sex. If I were you I'd do some investigating about that.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> And I do agree with the other poster especially since he's been staying down in the basement that he's probably lying about not watching porn and that porn could be running him for real sex. If I were you I'd do some investigating about that.


Excessive porn use can also cause ED. It's called PIED, porn induced ED. 

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mrs.Kayla said:


> No I know he isn't cheating. He was married once before me and she cheated on him. His father cheated on his mother. We were very clear with each other if it was over, we would tell one another and not drag it out. We have talked often about how his ex made him feel. And he hates his father for hurting his mother. So much so that he hadn't talked to his father in years.


Good gracious, you're so naive.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Mrs.Kayla said:


> We were very clear with each other if it was over, we would tell one another and not drag it out.


I'm going to recant my initial response in part. I'm still all for detaching ... after you tell him he either comes clean as to what's going on, or you will have to seriously consider making other living arrangements.

Tell him how you feel about this. If he starts to stonewall or walk away, be short, sweet, and to the point. THEN detach. JMO.


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## Mrs.Kayla (Nov 13, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Good gracious, you're so naive.


No, I trust people until the give me a reason not to.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Mrs.Kayla said:


> No, I trust people until the give me a reason not to.


He's giving you plenty of reasons, you just don't want to see it. Understandable, of course, but you had better strap on your investigative skills and start digging. Prepare yourself, it won't be pretty. 

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mrs.Kayla said:


> No, I trust people until the give me a reason not to.


You are a good person.

I hope you are correct in your assessment.

Stay focused, stay strong.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@Mrs.Kayla,

I can relate to your feeling of certainty about your husband would never cheat on you. I felt the same way about my wife.

The sad truth is we can never know for sure what any one is capable of doing, especially when there is unhappiness and stress in his or her life.

I’ll never forget the cognitive dissonance felt while holding my wife’s burner phone in my pocket (used to talk secretly to her old lover) while she stated confidently she did not buy a new phone recently.

There are lots of other possibilities besides cheating or secret porn use, and those other possibilities seem more likely to me. But you don’t really know yet, and you may never know — even if the issues are all in his head or biology, and have nothing to do with deceit. You are faced with an often intractable problem of trying to figure out the truth. Being closed to possibilities is a stance that hurts your chances of getting the truth or even just closer to it.

It may get to the point where the reasons behind his behavior change don’t effect what you ultimately have to do for your own sanity and happiness. But, IME, the more facts I have vs wonder about or assume, the more comfortable I am with making the decisions life demands.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mrs.Kayla said:


> We weren't intimate before we married, and we didn't live together. But we were very affectionate. He would often say "I can't keep my hands off you". We had no issues in that area that I could see.


Are either of you very devoutly religious? 

I'm trying to figure out if the above is due to sincere religious beliefs or red flags.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Mrs.Kayla said:


> It's been a year. He's 52 last July. And he's not in poor physical shape at all. No, he's not HD, as you say. But we were both satisfied with what we had. I have chronic pain issues so we were on each others level. I do try to kiss and hug and he seems ok with that as long as it's not leading to anything else.


was he having problems with ED before everything ended?

there are medical reasons that could cause this. I recently found out I have liver damage and I don’t drink. My doctors are trying to figure out what is going on.


Hope you are able to get him to see someone. Him not even trying has to hurt.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mrs.Kayla said:


> No, I trust people until the give me a reason not to.


Generally speaking when two people are married they each do their best to give a good impression. Initially there is this euphoria of feeling like, "being with you makes me into a better person" as some personal faults tend to fade away. The reality is that those faults don't go away, they are just better hidden. Over time these hidden faults grow, become mixed with shame and create low self esteem. More effort is needed to keep the faults hidden. Depression sets in and withdrawal begins. At some point something breaks. 

Something broke somewhere (emotionally) and your husband is not string enough to just come out and talk to you about it. While that is not the same as lying, depression and shame can drive a person to betray themselves which is an indirect form of betraying a spouse. Asking for help is never easy as pride gets in the way and stupidity takes over. 

If your husband has been depressed and is now withdrawn, he is giving you a reason to intervene and do something that restores his trust to be open and talk about what is actually going on. Perhaps it is nothing or perhaps it is something...


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## Kali2222 (11 mo ago)

Mrs.Kayla said:


> I feel I'm dishonoring my husband by talking about this. But I'm in a deep depression over this and I can't turn to family or friends. So here I am.
> I love my husband, we have a great relationship in every way. I know he's not cheating, nor would I. I don't think he is into porn because he says it's for immature men. So that makes me happy. We weren't intimate before we married, and we didn't live together. But we were very affectionate. He would often say "I can't keep my hands off you". We had no issues in that area that I could see.
> We married much older and so I don't expect to be jumping off the walls. But we are still fairly newly married. He was out of work for two yrs. and it devastated both of us. I know it was hard on him. We both fell into depression. We have a large house so he spent much of his time in the basement watching tv. I would try to coax him out and he did sometimes, but I know he was very depressed. About a year ago he got a great job. It pays well, plus overtime and his drive to work is literally around the corner. I was so happy for him and proud of him.
> But in all of that somehow we lost each other. We use to love to sit in the swing and talk and sometimes it would turn into being somewhat intimate. Then suddenly all the affection stopped, just a kiss on the forehead. We had both gained some weight but not badly. I worked to get it off and lost a pant size or more and he lost his getting back to work. I tried to gently talk about it and all he would say is "I'm old". He has high blood pressure that he takes pills for and has always had issues with that but it never mattered to me. I was willing to do whatever gave him pleasure and it wasn't anything too far out. But overnight it seemed he wasn't interested in touching me at all. Starting to cry even writing this. I'm heartbroken. It's like I lost him somewhere. We were so happy and in love. I love him to the moon and back, he says he loves me and hasn't done anything to make me think he doesn't mean it. But I don't know what changed. He won't talk about it.
> I'm sorry this is so long. I just don't know what I did wrong. We've always been able to talk through things. He simply stopped touching me and if I try to touch him he says he's tired or walks away with some excuse. We really use to enjoy each other. But this has come between us and I feel rejected, unattractive, and hopeless. I haven't told a soul. I'm embarrassed. My sister talks about her husband bugging her for sex and I laugh alone, all men want sex right? But not mine. And it hurts. I don't even know if I should post this. I just don't know what else to do.


I can so relate to this feeling of 'dishonouring' a man talking about it. Of maintaining his respect, manhood etc. But at some point your own needs matter too. If you're raised to believe that a wife's needs come second to her husband's then that needs addressing as well.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Another zombie thread you have posted to.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)




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## Kali2222 (11 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> View attachment 83803
> 
> This is hilarious! ok ok I'm a fast learner. Livvie has taught me not to reply to anything older than a month or two!


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