# I can't go on.



## broken80 (Jul 1, 2015)

I'll say thank you in advance if you are willing to stay with me and read through all of this.

Until a month ago I was happily married with 4 of the world's most perfect children. Ages 10, 9, 6 & 5. We would have been together 13 years this August. We are both 34 years old. We oddly enough never had a fight, argument or bad word to each other. 
Late April, my wife and I had an argument and she went out to a pub with friends I've never met. At 5pm she text me saying she was leaving soon. She proceeded to turn off her mobile data so she could not be contacted her found (something she's NEVER done before)

She text me at 8am saying she's "stuffed up" and came home at 2:30pm the next day, only to be home by the time kids got home from school.

She refused to talk to me when she got home, all she ever said to any questions about where she was or who was she with or why her mobile data went off was "I don't know".

Problems continued for the next few weeks and I learned she was talking daily to a man and removing all evidence of the phone calls, text messages and face book private messages. 

She admitted to me she was emotionally connected to this man (6 years her senior, divorced twice and 2 kids of his own he sees once a week)

She wanted space so I offered to leave our house for 3 months and lie to the kids saying I was going interstate on business to give her time and space, she refused this offer. Instead I willingly gave her my credit card and put her in a hotel in the city for 4 days. I did this not to throw money at her, but for her to pay for accommodation and food. She ended up doing that plus went on a bit of a shopping spree, cloths and jewelry. On the day of her return she was meant to talk to me but she wasn't ready. The day she came back she went to leave to the countryside again and I told her this time take the kids as they hadn't seen her for 4 days, she wasn't keen on it but did.

She went to her mothers in the country and stayed there for another 4 days. Her mother and the kids told me she basically dumped them there and was always drunk and went out every night without coming home to the next day. 

I was very depressed already and put something depressing up on facebook which she saw, once she saw it, she ended our marriage via a text message. 

She came home on a Sunday, May 31st with the kids, dropped them off, gave them a kiss on the head and said she was going for a drive and left. 

She'd organized a house with her new partner, the guy she's been cheating on me with for the past couple months.
She literally left everything, me, the kids, her cloths, possessions, literally everything! Over the next few weeks she came back to get bits and bots (little furniture and cloths) but that's it. 

She's asked to see the kids twice a week on school days and one weekend day (no sleepovers). The kids have seen her walk out and no longer want her as they are confused and heartbroken. 
She's told our eldest:
She doesn't love daddy
She loves her new boyfrinend
She is sleeping with her new boyfriend
Her new boyfriend is her 'soulmate' 
This is too much for a 10y/o to comprehend. 

She's given me feedback, very aggressively, saying that I never listened to her or helped enough around the house (something I will admit I can be guilty of) But surely that doesnt equal this result? 

She's been drinking very heavily for a year or so now and when the kids do go around they say she just places them in a room to play and spends zero time with them just sits outside with her new partner drinking and smoking. 

She's associated herself with a brand new group of friends, she's cut EVERYONE out of her life. Me, kids, parents, friends, school parents, literally everyone. The correlation of all these new friends shes been with the past few months is one thing, they are ALL divorced. Hence I'm concerned with the advise they keep putting in her head. 

When I tell her that I'm doing all the cleaning, cooking, school drop offs and pick ups, her response is "I DID THAT FOR 10 YEARS! I understand that, but how can someone just walk from it?
I asked her why him, she replied "He lives the life I want to live"
Due to all this I also lost my job, 6 years corporate banking and am now on government benefits as a full time father of 4. 

None of this makes sense to me. Every one I've spoke to says when a woman stops loving a man, the FIRST thing she does is fight for the kids, she's showing no interest in anything other than this new man and updating her facebook with cryptic messages like changing marital status from married to it's complicated and posting pictures of her out with him hugging and drinking and dancing, when all her friends know she's cheating on me and left the kids. 

This doesn't feel like her, she was a good person and a good mother, I don't understand how shes almost ovbernight wiped her entire life and starting a new one. My money was on mental breakdown or mid life crisis, I can't figure any of this out 
Appreciate any advice from anyone.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So sorry you're here. She is really screwing up her life . As a mom, I can't even fathom wanting to abandon your children like that. They will need lots of love and consistency from you.

Sounds like a mid life crisis to me. She's an incredibly selfish woman. Having kids is not only a 10 year commitment!


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

This may sound cold, but I offer this with complete sincerity: let her go and move on. The life you knew is over, but you have to push forward for yourself and your kids. 

Start grieving so you can start healing. Good luck to you!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

She is in the new love stage, and it making her a love junkie at the moment. Lets say she is using less of her fore brain at the present, the one that is responsible for judgement, personality, rational thinking. Since the maturation and neural connections is the last to develop as we enter adulthood, her mind is that of a teen's.

Also, the people we form an intimate bond with, affect our persona as well. Needless to say, they influence our actions.

The longer you stay with her, the longer you enable her actions. If you really want to reconcile, you need to take away your crutch and let her fall. If you want to move on, and protect your children from your wife's influence, then you need to separate from her.

As a parent, your job is to protect your children, and in your case, that is the negative influence of your wife.

Is the marriage more important than you and the children is the question you need to answer to yourself.


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## broken80 (Jul 1, 2015)

unblinded said:


> This may sound cold, but I offer this with complete sincerity: let her go and move on. The life you knew is over, but you have to push forward for yourself and your kids.
> 
> Start grieving so you can start healing. Good luck to you!


You're not sounding cold, but all this has happened soooo fast


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry. 

Here (U. S.) it was once virtually unheard of for women to walk away from their children. Not anymore, unfortunately. There are dads with full custody whose children see their moms about as much (or less) than your children see their mom. You obviously can't control what she does but you can reassure them over and over that you're there for them. 

Some women come out of the fog at some point and decide they want their marriages back. Be prepared -- just in case -- so you aren't caught off guard if that happens. 

It's a very unfortunate situation you're in (and becoming all too common these days). Again, I'm very sorry.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

broken80 said:


> You're not sounding cold, but all this has happened soooo fast


Trust me, I completely understand. The world I had known for nearly two decades collapsed in less than 90 days. The harder I tried to understand why, the harder it was for me to focus on my own healing.

While you may feel alone right now, many of us have been there. I hope TAM helps you through this difficult time.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

broken80 said:


> You're not sounding cold, but all this has happened soooo fast


It really does happen fast.

Unfortunately, you don't get over the pain fast. This will rank very high on the worst things that have ever happened to you list. 

But you are not alone. You are not an awful person. And you will eventually feel okay (most of the time.) 

Here's my advice:
1) Find a lawyer. Listen to your Lawyer. Tell him/her that your goal isn't to make your STBXW pay, but instead to protect you and your kids. And then listen and trust. Your lawyer doesn't have conflicting emotions floating around. And while you don't need someone who is ruthless you do need someone who is cold. 

2) Don't give her anymore money for anything. 

3) Get into counseling. You need someone to help you get through this. 

4) Get your kids into counseling. 

5) Keep posting and reading here. It really does help to know you are not the only person who has been there. 

6) Keep going on. Get up out of bed every day. Feed yourself, even when you are not hungry. Get exercise, even when you feel to tired. Hang out with your kids, even when it's hard to feel joy. 

You will get through this. I promise. But the tunnel will be very dark for a long while. Don't give up. It does end.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife have a job? Was she a stay at home mom?

Do you have any family around where you live who can help you with the children? You really need to work on yourself and get to the point where you can find a new job.


One thing that will help you is to interact with her according to the 180. See the link in my signature block below for the 180.

If you want to try to reconcile, there is a book that you might find helpful right now "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. 

Only about 3% of affairs turn into long term relationships.

Also see a lawyer as suggested to find out your rights and what you need to do to protect you and your children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh... if she gets some hair brain idea that she wants to move back into the house and wants to take you up on your offer to leave, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME OR YOUR CHILDREN.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Divorce her while she is still madly in love with the other man because it probably won't last. If she comes back to you and you accept her, she will later rip your heart out all over again despite how sincere she may seem. You are going through the worst part of hell right now. Concentrate on your kids and your own health during this devastating period.


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## broken80 (Jul 1, 2015)

What I'm going to say next might sound crazy. This simply isn't her. She's a good person. I believe there's a correlation of why this happened this year. 
This year was the year our youngest child started prep. She's been a stay at home mum for 10 years and all of a sudden this year all children are out of the house. She's relasied that this is her future for the next 10+ years and snapped.
She was always a stay at home mum, had a part time job working 2 days a week but was sacked for arriving to work at 10am smelling of alcohol (from nights out the prior night to anywhere from 1am-5am) and always being on her phone (texting her boyfriend)
But she always loved her children and she loved, she adored me. She worked hard at home and always had time for family, just over the past 6 months it slipped.
I want her back more than anything. I'm scared she's being brainwashed, similar to a stockhold syndrome scenario. 
We didn't have atypical marriage, we were always in love with each other and did everything together. I don't want a divorce, i don't want it to end, I just want her to realize what she's done. She loves me, i know it, but she's confused.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Is this for real??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broken80 (Jul 1, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Is this for real??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What do you mean?


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I'm sorry. Friends have told me to read this.

I refer to my ex as A and B

A I loved though I should have seen the signs, but... how can you really especially in a what feels like a great long lasting marriage with small children.

B I wouldn't wish on anyone. I have no idea where this person came from but she occupied A's head and is now out and running.

I get what you are saying. You love the one you know, it doesn't make sense but it does to you.

Others will say the A, friends, her family but don't underestimate that B is seen too.

You deserve a better life with someone that puts you at the top of their life, not just themself. Looking back, I'm sure you saw signs of selfishness but passed them off as normal.

Now, narcissism runs rampant. WHEN she is nice, she wants something my friend, that's it. You exist only to serve her needs.

Hang in there.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

It was Painful to read this. Many similarities to what happened to me over two years ago. Unfortunately my wife never completely came out of "the fog". She had no intentions of getting back with me and I divorced her within 3 months (I decided I didn't like being plan B, and I don't tolerate cheating). I got sole custody of our child and she left the state last year and hasn't seen our daughter since. Not trying to paint a dire picture but I completely understand your feelings of not knowing who this "new" person is and your confusion of how they could be so selfish. 

This will be a very difficult time for you, I'm not going to lie. Find counseling for yourself and your children as soon as possible as this is a life changing event for all of you.

I'm so very sorry, you've just been initiated into a club you never wanted to be a part of.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

broken80 said:


> What I'm going to say next might sound crazy. This simply isn't her. She's a good person. I believe there's a correlation of why this happened this year.
> 
> This year was the year our youngest child started prep. She's been a stay at home mum for 10 years and all of a sudden this year all children are out of the house. She's relasied that this is her future for the next 10+ years and snapped.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you are at a place right now where you really want to reconcile. So I really hope that you get the book that I suggested.


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## broken80 (Jul 1, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like you are at a place right now where you really want to reconcile. So I really hope that you get the book that I suggested.


I am! I still lover her! I'm not here to lie, I know it sounds crazy and wrong, but I can't just turn off my heart after 13 years even though it seems she has, I love her and want her back and want my faimly to be strong. We were both children of divorces and promised each other we would never do this to our children, I've held up my end of the bargin.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

broken80 said:


> What I'm going to say next might sound crazy. This simply isn't her. She's a good person. I believe there's a correlation of why this happened this year.
> This year was the year our youngest child started prep. She's been a stay at home mum for 10 years and all of a sudden this year all children are out of the house. She's relasied that this is her future for the next 10+ years and snapped.
> She was always a stay at home mum, had a part time job working 2 days a week but was sacked for arriving to work at 10am smelling of alcohol (from nights out the prior night to anywhere from 1am-5am) and always being on her phone (texting her boyfriend)
> But she always loved her children and she loved, she adored me. She worked hard at home and always had time for family, just over the past 6 months it slipped.
> ...


Your confused. She tossed her love for you away. She is tossing her children away. Your letting your emotions override your brain. You can't compete with affair land, its always better than real life short term. 

The best thing you can do is cut a deal while she is in fantasyland. The affair will eventually crash and burn. The deal will be much harder then. Be confident, fake it for now and start showing her life goes on without her. Your heart will heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

broken80 said:


> I am! I still lover her! I'm not here to lie, I know it sounds crazy and wrong, but I can't just turn off my heart after 13 years even though it seems she has, I love her and want her back and want my faimly to be strong. We were both children of divorces and promised each other we would never do this to our children, I've held up my end of the bargin.


Surviving an affair, whether you reconcile or not , is a process. 

No matter which direction this goes, you would benefit in interacting with her according to the 180. See the link in my signature block below.

You need not chase her, not be emotional around her. This will help you get stronger and be able to handle things from a better place. That is what the 180 does.

You keep up the 180 until either she ends her affair and asks to come back or until you have fallen out of love with her or decide that divorce is your only option.

It works no matter the direction this goes. Right now you need to be working on you and taking care of your children.

And read the book >


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

This is really sad. I have 4 kids and I could never up and leave them. How a mother could do that is unspeakable. What is wrong with people today?? 

You deserve better. Let her go and find someone that will adore you. There are women out there that would never cheat. It sucks but even if she comes back your life will never be the same as it was. Move on and in time your heart will heal and you will find someone new. I know it's not what you want to hear but in the end you will be better off.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

broken80,

Here's a mental/emotional exercise for you. Start picturing your life without her. Then, start your GOOD life without her. Finally, start picturing your GREAT life without her.

Not only can you survive this, you can thrive on the other side.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

broken80 said:


> I am! I still lover her! I'm not here to lie, I know it sounds crazy and wrong, but I can't just turn off my heart after 13 years even though it seems she has, I love her and want her back and want my faimly to be strong. We were both children of divorces and promised each other we would never do this to our children, I've held up my end of the bargin.


The person you loved has turned out to be a lie. This isn't something that happened TO her, that brainwashed her or tricked her or lured her away. This is who she always was, deep down inside, but hid from you successfully for many years. She managed to appear to be a selfless, loyal and loving woman on the surface, but now her inner narcissist has been revealed and she's shucked her responsibilities and headed out to have fun. The fact that she abandoned her children instead of just her spouse is the clincher for me. It isn't just that she got disenchanted with marriage and you, it's that she wants a whole new single partying lifestyle.

It feels sudden to you, but she's probably been leading up to this for years - the reason she can make such a clean break is that she was secretly detaching for some time now.

It's going to be very hard to break the habit of loving her, but focus on your children and help them through this awful transition. You may need strong friends or even therapy to lean on to help you find the strength to do that, so do it if you need to. Your healing will come in the process.

She chose to do this, and now you need to realize that you and your children are better off away from someone who is capable of doing that sort of thing.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

broken80 said:


> What I'm going to say next might sound crazy. This simply isn't her. She's a good person. I believe there's a correlation of why this happened this year.
> This year was the year our youngest child started prep. She's been a stay at home mum for 10 years and all of a sudden this year all children are out of the house. She's relasied that this is her future for the next 10+ years and snapped.
> She was always a stay at home mum, had a part time job working 2 days a week but was sacked for arriving to work at 10am smelling of alcohol (from nights out the prior night to anywhere from 1am-5am) and always being on her phone (texting her boyfriend)
> But she always loved her children and she loved, she adored me. She worked hard at home and always had time for family, just over the past 6 months it slipped.
> ...


You are way deep in denial.

You are making excuses for her behavior because you don't want to accept that she isn't the person you think she is. You are codependent and efforts to "nice guy" her back is going to fail, it ALWAYS fails. 

You are projecting your feelings onto her and making a bunch of assumptions that help justify your delusions. The reality is she choose to do this and wasn't "brainwashed", she WANTED it. She wasn't made to anything and she is completely in control of herself. She is not a child, she knew what she was doing.

You don't want to accept this is who she is and all you want to rug sweep and go back to normal. That will NEVER happen, everything has changed and will never be the same again. YOU want her back into the marriage for yourself, not for her. You can't force her to do anything and you can't save her from herself.

All you can do is let her go and let her figure things out on her own. Your desperate attempts to save this is going to end up destroying it instead. The more you want her, the less she'll want you.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

My friend, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Our situations are actually quite similar. 

I must agree with several other posters in this thread and so I am going to be blunt. Stop fooling yourself. Move on. She is clearly a narcissist (as is mine), a cheater, and a conniver as it would appear she was detaching for quite a while (as mine was as well). 

I know how incredibly painful it is right now. I really do. I am struggling myself. But those of us in these situations have to keep reminding ourselves, that it will pass and it will be better. We need to address the reasons why we have chosen partners with these dark and ugly capabilities to begin with. We need to address what is highly likely to be codependency issues and get help. 

I will add this: M. Scott Peck wrote a book called "The Road Less Traveled." In it he discussed how he classified people in two categories; neurotic and character disordered. Naturally, there are umpteen degrees of severity for each, but essentially the neurotic is the person that when something goes wrong, they say "what did I do? What do I need to do better?" Or more dysfunctionally, "What's your with me?" The character disordered person says, "What's wrong with them? Screw them. It's all their fault." The narcissist always thinks they have done nothing wrong and are character disordered. Anyway, Peck says that neurotics and eminently heal-able because they are willing to look in the mirror and better themselves. Character disordered people almost NEVER change and/or heal their psychological baggage because they always think their problems are someone else's fault - they usually can't even bear to consider anything was their fault.

I say this because, it seems to me that you need to accept that this is who she is. Even if she comes to her senses at some point, if she doesn't get some serious help, she will do it again.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm with Betterman. I'm in the process of divorcing a narcissist. Betterman is exactly right - like your wives, my STBXH blames everyone else for everything wrong in his life. Like BM said, he can't even bear to consider anything has ever been his fault.

Broken, your wife has already detached from you and your children. She is gone. I promise you, you will eventually see that you are truly better off without her. I know you can't believe that right now. You will.

Your wife has rewritten history to all of her new friends. They may not all be bad people - she has painted you as being the villain to them, and they are sympathetic with her because of that. Trust me on this one. I found out a couple months after I discovered my husband's (still ongoing, as far as I know) affair that he had told longtime friends of ours that *I* asked for separation and divorce, that I said we should have an "open marriage," that I was "probably already screw!ing someone else," and that I knew about the OW and his "relationship" and was "fine with it." All lies. I've also come to find out that he's told other friends and neighbors we don't know as well that our divorce is "mutual" and that I initiated it. No. He started proceedings behind my back in January so he could be with someone I didn't find out about until February.

Narcissists will tell anyone *anything* to make themselves look good. (This is only the stuff I know about. I shudder to think what he must have told the OW about me to get her to willingly cheat with someone who's been married for 25 years with a 13-year-old son.) They are pathological liars - they lie to themselves to feel better about themselves. They feel they are better and smarter than other people. They judge and criticize everyone else, and freak out if you dare to criticize them. They put on a "good guy" or "good girl" persona to fool the world and make everyone like them, when under that mask, they are cold-hearted reptiles. They think that because they are such extraordinarily special people, they deserve to be happier than everyone else. They want it all, and are sure they deserve it.

But I digress. I went through what you did shortly after D-Day. Withdrawal. Withdrawal from the love I thought I had with him, and from the person I thought he was. He is not that person - he never has been. I just didn't see it.

Please, as others have said, find yourself a good counselor - preferably one who's well-versed in Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Or at least one who is not sympathetic to cheaters and not geared to reconciliation at all costs. I know you don't want to hear that and want to find yourself a counselor who'll tell you how to get your wife back, but I'm here to tell you you don't want her back. You think you do now. But remind yourself what a terrible, profoundly selfish thing she is doing to you and your children. These are not the actions of someone who loves you.

Also, don't torture yourself trying to figure out why, or what you did to deserve this. It's not you. It's her. She is lacking in moral character. She is not a good person. I know you thought she was for many years - I thought my husband was, too - I thought he was a great person, in fact. That was an illusion.

Please also talk to trusted friends and family - they will stand by you and help you through this.

And keep reading here - there are many very wise people with good advice to give who are unfortunately in the same club you're in. They've made it through the worst of it - pay attention when they tell you how they did it.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

broken80 said:


> I'll say thank you in advance if you are willing to stay with me and read through all of this.
> 
> Until a month ago I was happily married with 4 of the world's most perfect children. Ages 10, 9, 6 & 5. We would have been together 13 years this August. We are both 34 years old. We oddly enough never had a fight, argument or bad word to each other.
> Late April, my wife and I had an argument and she went out to a pub with friends I've never met. At 5pm she text me saying she was leaving soon. She proceeded to turn off her mobile data so she could not be contacted her found (something she's NEVER done before)
> ...


Wow, my heart breaks for you and especially the kids. They're at an age where they understand what's going on and they must be extremely saddened and confused by their mom's actions.

I don't agree with you when you say you and your wife "never had an argument or bad word". Clearly, you did. And this last argument caused something to "snap" in her. She clearly felt alone and unloved. BUT, unless abuse was involved (including verbal abuse), that's not a reason to cheat. There's no reason to cheat. If your spouse is not giving you physical intimacy you seek, first end the marriage THEN SLEEP with someone else. No cheating!

And I will never understand mothers or fathers who can walk away from their kids. Our children are our hearts beating, living, breathing, literally walking around outside our chests. How can she stand it? She's infatuated with this new man and once the infatuation goes out the door (it always does) and reality kicks in, she'll be devastated.

Work on the kids and yourself. Keep a routine for all of you. Everything will be OK...you will adjust to a new normal and one day you will even be happy. Go to counselling with the kids if you can. Do not rely on your wife for anything. I'd even advise you to take measures to restrict the amount of time they see their mom. She's not a good role model and they should not be around the drinking/smoking/cheating.

Don't let her do this to you or the kids emotionally. Pick yourself up and live a productive life for your children. You deserve better.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

broken80 said:


> I am! I still lover her! I'm not here to lie, I know it sounds crazy and wrong, but I can't just turn off my heart after 13 years even though it seems she has, I love her and want her back and want my faimly to be strong. We were both children of divorces and promised each other we would never do this to our children, I've held up my end of the bargin.


Yes, you still love her. There's nothing wrong with that. We'd expect you to, having spent 13 years together and having kids.

Does she still love you? No. A person who loves you or her children will not cheat, and continue cheating and abandon her kids.

And even if she says she loves you, it's a very selfish, confused, twisted love that will cause you endless pain and suffering.

If today she comes back to you and begs you to give her another chance, you'd do it. BUT YOU'D BE FULL OF ANGER, RESENTMENT AND PAIN as soon as the initial relief subsides. And that will colour your entire family's world dark.

Love her from a distance. Mourn the loss of your wife. Your loving, caring wife has died...this woman is a stranger. Cry your eyes out knowing you'll never get her back. Grieve. Then pick yourself up and move on because you have children to raise.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You may have contributed to issues in your marriage but she is 100% responsible for choosing to have an affair (an affair is a choice never a mistake). Nobody can read minds, she had the option and obligation of bringing your lack of attention to her needs multiple times and if you chose to ignore her, to divorce you. 

There are plenty of unfaithful spouses who despite their marital betrayal, do not abandon their children. They may never qualify as parents of the year but they do not abandon their children. They may be lousy spouses but many are still loving and caring parents. And since actions speak louder than words, your WW (wayward wife) is neither a good wife nor a good mother.

As hard as this may be for you to believe but your WW has given you a gift that many BH (betrayed husband) can only dream of and that is obtaining possible full custody of your children. If you don't take advantage of this opportunity that has been offered to you practically on a silver platter, you will have no one to blame later on when the tables turn and it is you who will get to see your children a handful of days, for years until they become legal adults. So take advantage by it by hiring the best divorce attorney you can find and executing an aggressive divorce strategy.

Lastly, you can't nice your way for your WW to end her affair and recommit to the marriage. Only the cold reality of letting her go and having the OM (other man) become responsible for fulfill all her needs MAY do this. Reality is poisonous to fantasy, and since most affairs are fantasy driven, the OM may not want to have become responsible to maintaining a home that may include your kids and your WW. The OM's marriage track record MAY be indicative that his interest in your WW will wane and end in the near future. If this happens, your WW's infatuation will turn to heartbrake and MAY finally open her eyes to what she has done. Only then can she be susceptible to want to reconcile IF it is still what you want at that time. In the meantime, follow EleGirl's advice to implement *The 180 degree rules* to emotionally disconnect from your WW so that you will have the strength needed to make wise choices based on truth and not on wishful thinking. I highly recommend that you read *No More Mr Nice Guy* and *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559*. Visit *Dads divorce* and *Shrink4Men - for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them*.

Like it or not, your WW has declared war on you (and sadly on the children as well) so it is your duty and responsibility to treat her as an enemy combatant to protect yourself and your children.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

broken80 said:


> I am! I still lover her! I'm not here to lie, I know it sounds crazy and wrong, but I can't just turn off my heart after 13 years even though it seems she has, I love her and want her back and want my faimly to be strong. We were both children of divorces and promised each other we would never do this to our children, I've held up my end of the bargin.


I get it, especially since it still feels to you as if this was an overnight change on her part....the person you see now when you see and talk to her reminds of who you married but is still in the fog and probably to some extent will never fully return though she may return enough to warrant a shot at reconciliation if it is what you really want. Consider that on the reconciliation point it would appear she holds all the cards but she would be wrong - you stayed, you maintained a home for your children, you are trying to forgive and reconcile. She is not. Everyone is right about you moving on to make sure you and your kids are safe and healthy, definitely follow the 180 plan mentioned earlier, as much as you can given you have kids. Be cordial but not emotional around her. Start thinking through the worst case which sounds like from your posts is divorce - if you choose a time frame that you feel is the 'max' you and your kids should have to wait for her it gives you a goal and starts changing some of your thoughts as the date approaches. Stand firm, my hope for you is that it works out but something in her broke and at most you can only help her fix it for herself if she decides she needs to.

Check out the thread conversation on emotionally broken women...you will see the pattern (not precise or applicable to all scenarios of course)...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't support her any more, let her OM do that. No more giving her a credit card. 

Do support your children and please get the oldest, if not all, into therapy. 

You have to be open to the loss of your marriage by attempting to save it. Whining, begging, crying, etc is going to prove useless. Get your ducks in a row and wake up to the fact that she is a bad wife & bad mother as demonstrated by her actions. The children need you to be an exemplary father by demonstration of yours.


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