# We're getting back "together"



## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

Ok so I need some advice long story short me and my hubs separated due to him saying he wasnt in love and he needed to be alone. we got together young and have been together 7 years anyways. We called it off and agreed to divorce. he ended talking to me slowly again and wanted to be friends first but told me he wanted us to work out and had never gave up.

My issue is now that we are working things out he isnt ready to live together again? and im feeling very lonely. Also we live in 2 different states now and we cant see each other often so we basically only text due to schedules. its draining me and no matter how much i tell him he isnt ready for us to change it and move back in together. he keeps telling me we'll get there but we need to take it slowly. Also Im dealing with trust issues as to that he will hurt me again. 

What am I doing wrong? Am I being unreasonable about wanting to move things fast or is He?

Any advice would be great. Any other questions please do ask.

Thanks


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Have you checked out if he is seeing anyone else and not ask him either as he will likely hide it if he is. If you are not getting sex, intimacy, quality time, odds are, you are getting that from someone else. Unless he is asexual or extremely busy, something is up there.

Whatever your own baggage is, any issue you bring to a relationship, work on them. You carry that and that affects whomever you are with.

Another thing, you are likely to grow apart at this rate. So be prepared to move on as well if things do not work out. No offense, but you do not have much of a marriage if marriage means sharing a life with someone for you. If you two are just dating, why not get legal separation or plain divorce and just date? You obviously have a much stronger bond than he has to you. I suggest you go out with family and friends and develop new hobbies. Why place life on hold for him if he is not really committed to you ?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is he dating? That's frequently the reason why one person wants to take things slowly when the other one is ready and willing to R. 

Did he cheat and that's why you have trust issues or is there another reason?


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

He is not dating anyone and has not cheated. I have trust issues because he wanted the divorce in the first place so now I feel like he will just hurt me again


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

roxy2016 said:


> Ok so I need some advice long story short me and my hubs separated due to him saying he wasnt in love and he needed to be alone. we got together young and have been together 7 years anyways. We called it off and agreed to divorce. he ended talking to me slowly again and wanted to be friends first but told me he wanted us to work out and had never gave up.
> 
> My issue is now that we are working things out he isnt ready to live together again? and im feeling very lonely. Also we live in 2 different states now and we cant see each other often so we basically only text due to schedules. its draining me and no matter how much i tell him he isnt ready for us to change it and move back in together. he keeps telling me we'll get there but we need to take it slowly. Also Im dealing with trust issues as to that he will hurt me again.
> 
> ...


From the limited information in your post, it sounds like he's very confused. First he said he wasn't in love and needed to be alone, then he wanted to be friends and now he wants to work it and had never given up. How long has the separation been and how long ago did one/both of you move to a different state?

If he went from not being in love all the way to saying he had never given up in a short period of time (less than two months I'd say) then going slowly is 100% the right move in my opinion. You were together for seven years (how long married?) so he likely didn't get to that point where he wanted out without a lot of reflection and contemplation. 

Now, if it's been several months or a year or more then going slowly is still probably preferred, but you have a right to push for at least some kind of timeline in my opinion. Of course, pushing him for that could make him retreat so you have to be careful.

One thing you need to sort out are your own trust issues. If those persist and you go right back to living together then your attempt at reconciliation will likely be doomed. You'll feel insecure and that will likely lead to him feeling smothered and resentful from your lack of trust. Also, you're living in two different states, which makes moving back in together a much, much bigger ordeal.

If you're willing to share, it might be helpful to let us know some of the issues that plagued the relationship in your H's mind as well as your own. Depending on the severity of the transgressions that will likely change the type of advice you get on the board.

Overall, my advice would be to get yourself some professional help with his if you haven't already and work on yourself. Yeah, that might sound cliche, but you'll need to be at your best if reconciliation has any chance at success.

Sorry about your situation, it sounds really difficult. Hope you get to a better place soon.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

*We're getting back &quot;together&quot;*

You can't know for sure he is not dating someone. 

The odds are very slim he is not dating.

ETA: i just checked and saw I posted this same message in your other thread. My POV is from the other side. 

It's a by the numbers Other Person scenario. Believe what you want.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

How long have you been separated?

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Unfortunately, this happens a lot when you marry too young.

He's feeling he missed an integral part of young adulthood which is getting out there, spreading your wings, dating and meeting girls, partying, and doing whatever else it is young people do. He passed right over that whole phase and was a married man by the time he was 20 or close to it (I'm assuming).

He's got one foot in the "I want to experience being young and free" world, and the other one in the only world he's *known* for the last 7 years - being married and his life with you.

I know you're in total denial about the possibility that maybe he met someone who turned his head and has made him aware of a whole new life outside his married life, but you need to consider that it COULD be a possibility. Sorry.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

He's cheating.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Unfortunately, this happens a lot when you marry too young.
> 
> He's feeling he missed an integral part of young adulthood which is getting out there, spreading your wings, dating and meeting girls, partying, and doing whatever else it is young people do. He passed right over that whole phase and was a married man by the time he was 20 or close to it (I'm assuming).
> 
> ...


This is the best explanation.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Go find someone better. Go find someone that wants you.

Why aren't you? Are you scared? Do you have self esteem issues?


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

@roxy2016

Never seen a thread here when a spouse separated, said they needed time (even when their SO wanted to R), and they weren't seeing someone else. Not saying this is what's happening to you but it is very likely. Are you two having sex? Could be that he is enjoying getting "attention" from two different women.

How are you so sure he isn't seeing someone else? Do you have CTTV installed in his place?


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

> "I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.
> 
> Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings."
> 
> Dr. Willard Harley, author "His Needs Her Needs"


Coping with Infidelity: Beginning (Part 1)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How can you know for absolute certain he isn't "dating" while you're separated -- or maybe he was "dating" while you were together and that was the reason he wanted to separate? 

I would have sworn my former husband was the least likely person on earth to cheat. Turns out I was wrong. You never know for certain what someone is capable of unless they've been glued to you 24/7 for your entire marriage and, obviously, that doesn't happen for any of us. Many of us have been blindsided because we were too trusting. I hope this isn't true in your case but never think it isn't possible.


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

I'm aware there is no way to be 100% sure he has not been seeing someone. I am choosing to believe he never cheated on me. But either way he wants to get back together and so do I. I'm not really sure what got us here. He just said the spark was gone and he wanted to be alone and try out life by himself but this didn't include dating others from he said (again I know he wouldn't tell me anyways) We just hit the 4 month mark on being separated. I am ready to come home. He says he isn't for various reasons. He thinks that we will argue and it will be weird there for we need to continue to work things out separate. He is very apologetic and was even in tears telling me how sorry he was for making me move out and everything he has put us through. To me if he was really sorry he would let me come home? I am very lonely and us only communicating through text/phone is just not enough for my emotional needs. Also he has been buying me gifts and doing sweet things like that. But he has not told me he loved me. If I say it he will tell me but has not on his own. He is insisting we not set a official date for me to come home. He thinks we should not push anything. I don't agree with this.


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

We've been together 7 years, married 3 and we have never had any issues until now. I want to be able to put everything behind us and move on but I am still dealing with the abandonment from him. I knew something was weird and when I found out he didn't "feel" in love anymore, we both said we would work on it but 2 weeks later and he wanted to separate. I am still dealing with the pain of him basically making me leave my home. It is a long story but when we separated we said we would just leave the door open for us to reconcile but he said there was little hope for it. Anyways I pushed him for weeks for a answer and after a month of being separated he told me it was for sure over and he would file for D but he never did and when I tried to talk to him about it he would blow it off. I'd say almost 3 weeks later and he started talking to me again but said just friends.. and then it went to just friends but seeing where it went. About a month of that, He said he knew we could make it work again and be happy but didn't want to rush me coming home... I love him and want our marriage but I feel he is being very selfish. I know I need to work on my trust issues by that I mean if he doesn't say something right then I freak out thinking he is tired of me and shutting the door on us again. He thinks when I come home I will be judging his every action and if he messes up I'll attack.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> He's cheating.


This.


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

So even thought we talk almost 24/7 which would mean he is glued to his phone everyone insists he is cheating. What female would put up with a man being glued to his phone. I know I wouldn't. I'm not saying he hasn't cheated. If for some reason he has I will probably never know. But at this point, I am choosing to believe otherwise.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

roxy2016 said:


> So even thought we talk almost 24/7 which would mean he is glued to his phone everyone insists he is cheating. *What female would put up with a man being glued to his phone*. I know I wouldn't. I'm not saying he hasn't cheated. If for some reason he has I will probably never know. But at this point, I am choosing to believe otherwise.


Umm, pretty much every woman under 35 seems to not only "put up with" a man glued to his phone, but they are also usually glued to theirs. Not to mention that hook up culture pretty much requires being glued to your phone so you can text and chat with multiple people at once.

Everything you describe fits the standard keep the wife on the hook just in case something better doesn't come along.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Please understand that I say this w/ the utmost respect and just as politely as possible...

Wow. I didn't realize that women could be this clueless where relationships are concerned. I though it was just men.

Aaaaanyway...

He wanted to separate because he was cheating.

He wanted to keep in touch but "just as friends" so he could keep you on the hook in case his other relationship doesn't work out.

He wanted to get back together because he got dumped.

He put the brakes on _actually_ getting back together because it looked like his other relationship might work out.

And hey, the phone thing may very well be the reason behind all the strife in his other relationship.


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

Ok I can understand the keep the wife on the hook part. And I get why everyone is thinking he's cheating etc. But I'm asking for advice on that he may not be doing any of this and genuinely wants to get back together.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxy2016 said:


> Ok I can understand the keep the wife on the hook part. And I get why everyone is thinking he's cheating etc. But I'm asking for advice on that he may not be doing any of this and genuinely wants to get back together.


If he wanted to get back together then you'd be back together.

But you're not, sooooo...


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

So it seems I'm going to get no other advice other than he is for sure cheating. So how should I handle it then. If I ask he's going to say no. I have no way of finding out as we are in 2 different places. So what should I do here give him an ultimatum.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just tell him that you're done waiting around and that you're moving on.

_And mean it._


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

I have told him and told him, I am literally thirsting for love and attention. He apologizes, says he'll try to be more affectionate. But nothing changes. See the thing is due to our living situation we have not seen each other for a few months. I am so lonely it hurts. Yeah talking to him 24/7 helps but it isn't meeting my needs.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

roxy2016 said:


> *I have told him and told him*, I am literally thirsting for love and attention. He apologizes, says he'll try to be more affectionate. But nothing changes. See the thing is due to our living situation we have not seen each other for a few months. I am so lonely it hurts. Yeah talking to him 24/7 helps but it isn't meeting my needs.


This is how he knows he doesn't have to do more than just _say_ he'll change -- all you've done to date is _tell_ him that you're done.

You need to stop saying it and start showing it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

roxy2016 said:


> I have told him and told him, I am literally thirsting for love and attention. He apologizes, says he'll try to be more affectionate. But nothing changes. See the thing is due to our living situation we have not seen each other for a few months. I am so lonely it hurts. Yeah talking to him 24/7 helps but it isn't meeting my needs.


Why should anything change? He gets to live the single life and play the field while being secure in the knowledge that you're so desperate for love and attention you'll wait around. All he has to do to keep you hanging on is throw you some meaningless text crumbs. He has no incentive to do anything other than keep you in limbo.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

If you crave a relationship so bad, get on POF.COM now and start dating. It's free. Don't waste anytime for your loser of a husband that kicked you out of the house so he could bang other women. YES, he had sex with other women while you were a state away. Don't be so naive.

When I left my wife (separated), I was banging other women a day later. I was gone a long time before finally leaving (no sex for 4.5yrs), but I wasn't going through a divorce and not enjoying the finer things in life.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Stop chasing him.

Read about the 180.

Slowly pull away from him.

He will see the change and fix things or you will have your answer.

Stop pursuing him now.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Time for a surprise visit back home.

Make it on a Friday or Saturday night.

You probably won't like what you'll find. :frown2:


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

roxy2016 said:


> We've been together 7 years, married 3 and we have never had any issues until now. I want to be able to put everything behind us and move on but I am still dealing with the abandonment from him. I knew something was weird and when I found out he didn't "feel" in love anymore, we both said we would work on it but 2 weeks later and he wanted to separate. I am still dealing with the pain of him basically making me leave my home. It is a long story but when we separated we said we would just leave the door open for us to reconcile but he said there was little hope for it. Anyways I pushed him for weeks for a answer and after a month of being separated he told me it was for sure over and he would file for D but he never did and when I tried to talk to him about it he would blow it off. I'd say almost 3 weeks later and he started talking to me again but said just friends.. and then it went to just friends but seeing where it went. About a month of that, He said he knew we could make it work again and be happy but didn't want to rush me coming home... I love him and want our marriage but I feel he is being very selfish. I know I need to work on my trust issues by that I mean if he doesn't say something right then I freak out thinking he is tired of me and shutting the door on us again. He thinks when I come home I will be judging his every action and if he messes up I'll attack.


So, you're the one that moved out of the home and out of state? Without knowing the reasons he wanted the separation it's hard to say, but I think that was a mistake. If he wanted the separation, he should have been the one to leave. He's getting everything he wants from this situation and expecting you to just sit around and wait for him to make up his mind. That isn't fair.

Some specifics would be helpful. When he asked for the separation were the reasons he gave valid to you then or are they now upon reflection? Or do you think they were selfish and unfounded?

If I'm adding up your timeline of events right, I'd say it was around the 3-4 month mark when he told you he knew the two of you could make it work. Is that right? If so, that's a decent amount of time. What are his reasons for not wanting to "rush" you home? Has he given any? If not, you need to ask and find out what he thinks those reasons are because it isn't fair of him to say his ready to work on things but that you can't come home. Only so much can be done to improve the situation over the phone, texts and emails. At the very least you need to be in the same city so the two of you can see a therapist.

On that note, what's your situation like in your new city? Do you have a stable job that you like and are you getting on okay? If so, that's a huge thing to consider before jumping back in. If not, and you like your old town better, just move back there regardless of what happens with your husband. Don't allow him to control something so huge.

As far as trust issues, you have every reason to have them and if he truly wants to work on it he's going to have to be understanding on that point. He kicked you out of your home, forced you to move out of state and then yo-yoed you around for the past 3-4 months. Reconciliation will be hard if it happens and he needs to accept that.

On the cheating thing... have you asked him about that point blank? I actually don't even think that matters right now. He may have, he may not have and he may or may not have done something after the separation. The question you'll need to answer is that if it does come out will that be a deal breaker and will it matter if it happened before or after the separation? But right now, I think that's the least of your worries as far as this goes. If you want to work on it, great, but you need to get him to commit or move on.


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## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

golfpanther said:


> So, you're the one that moved out of the home and out of state? Without knowing the reasons he wanted the separation it's hard to say, but I think that was a mistake. If he wanted the separation, he should have been the one to leave. He's getting everything he wants from this situation and expecting you to just sit around and wait for him to make up his mind. That isn't fair.
> 
> Some specifics would be helpful. When he asked for the separation were the reasons he gave valid to you then or are they now upon reflection? Or do you think they were selfish and unfounded?
> 
> ...




Yes I am the one that moved out (stupidly) Looking back he should have been the one to go. I think his reasons were selfish to an extent, I can understand we got together young and he never got a chance to be on his own at the same time neither did I. I take marriage very seriously so even if I felt I had missed out on that I for sure wouldn't be leaving him over it. So in a nutshell his reasons were not feeling in love, never being independent and feeling like he needed to be alone. I asked many times if I done anything to spark this feeling. He always said no. Up until a few weeks ago we had an argument and he was saying how I ruled the home and was controlling with money. Which was not true. I made sure all the house work was done and the bills were payed on time. However he had full access to the money. I didn't let him control paying the bills bc he forgot things a lot. He told me that it had nothing to do with wanting to be with other women. I have asked him if he has been with anyone at any point and says no. But of course I am aware it could not be true.

And yes it was actually just a few days after the 3 month mark where he wanted to work things out.. Today I told him its time to change something or reconsider his decision. He had nothing to say in return... I told him its not fair what he is doing to me.
Usually if I bring up things he has done, he blames me for intentionally trying to hurt him. That's not my intentions but I feel that he doesn't realize how unfair he is being.

His reasons for not wanting to rush me back at home is that he said he is still working on himself and he feels at this point in time we will argue. The only reason we argue now is because he want set an official date for me to move back. He says he loves me and wants to make it work. But honestly if I talk about us or things i'm planning for us to do, he just does not seem excited about it. He seems to think we can put all of this behind us and he never has to be reminded of anything he's done and we will work things out via phone/text and then when he feels ready for me to come home it will happen.

Reading all of this and thinking of all he has done, makes me feel like I deserve better but as I said, I take marriage seriously and I want to at least give him the chance. This came out of no where. When I told people we were separating and possibly divorce, literally every person was jaw-dropped. Because everyone thought we had the perfect marriage.. so did I.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can either wait around for him to allow you to come home (if that actually happens at some point) or you can tell him you're through waiting on him and you need to move on. So, yes, an ultimatum. Otherwise, he'll continue on this path as long as it works for him. He's the one with the power and he knows it. You need to change that dynamic or get used to being lonely.


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

roxy2016 said:


> Yes I am the one that moved out (stupidly) Looking back he should have been the one to go. I think his reasons were selfish to an extent, I can understand we got together young and he never got a chance to be on his own at the same time neither did I. I take marriage very seriously so even if I felt I had missed out on that I for sure wouldn't be leaving him over it. So in a nutshell his reasons were not feeling in love, never being independent and feeling like he needed to be alone. I asked many times if I done anything to spark this feeling. He always said no. Up until a few weeks ago we had an argument and he was saying how I ruled the home and was controlling with money. Which was not true. I made sure all the house work was done and the bills were payed on time. However he had full access to the money. I didn't let him control paying the bills bc he forgot things a lot. He told me that it had nothing to do with wanting to be with other women. I have asked him if he has been with anyone at any point and says no. But of course I am aware it could not be true.
> 
> And yes it was actually just a few days after the 3 month mark where he wanted to work things out.. Today I told him its time to change something or reconsider his decision. He had nothing to say in return... I told him its not fair what he is doing to me.
> Usually if I bring up things he has done, he blames me for intentionally trying to hurt him. That's not my intentions but I feel that he doesn't realize how unfair he is being.
> ...


Has he said what exactly he's done up to this point to work on himself? If not, that's likely just a stall tactic.

The whole "feeling like he needed to be alone" definitely sounds like a grass is greener scenario. I'm not saying he for sure cheated, but that at some level he wanted to experience life as a single man and see what happened. Given his change, I'd say he probably struck out or found it to be an unfulfilling prospect, but he's stalling to buy himself a bit more time to see how he likes it. That is an incredibly crappy thing to do to you.

You're situation sounds a bit like mine, except with the roles reversed. While there's more to it, my wife and I also got married very young and she mentioned wanting to see how she was alone in the world as well. It's an understandable point of view, but it can't be the sole reason someone up and leaves a marriage (it wasn't with me and her, but it sounds like that's your husband's main reason). 

What really matters is how you feel about it. Do you think that after this you can ever trust that he's committed and not looking around and wondering "what if?" If you think you can, great, but you should take some control of your own life in the meantime. If you want to move back to the city you both lived in, do it. If you need a timeline for things to improve, give it to him. Be sure not to do it in a way that comes off controlling (since that's part of his reasoning for leaving) and instead frame it as you taking care of you.

Lastly, it's ludicrous for him to think you can solve all this over text, phone and e-mail. Working on this means at some point living together. You will argue, you will have bad nights, you will have issues of trust and resentment for a time. Honestly, even when a marriage is great you will have those things, so his expectations sound like perfection and that isn't possible.

Show him that you're ready to move on one way or another and you'll get to see how much he wants to work on things. Hope it goes the way you want it to, but you'll be fine either way. :smile2:


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