# Just decided to try separation while living together



## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

This is my first time using one of these sites, so I'll try and be as detailed as possible without burying anyone with words.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 9 years. Around a year and a half ago we purchased a house together. Everything (in my eyes, at least) was going great. We have excellent communication, we always made time for each other and, about a year ago, decided to get a dog together who we raise like our own kid. I thought it was an especially significant bonding experience.

Around 2 months ago, I noticed she had begun growing distant from me. She would just come home from work, maybe offer some small talk, then immediately go to her spot on the couch and get on her phone or her laptop. She would stay this way until dinner was ready (I do the cooking) where she would break away, again give up some small talk, then retreat to her area and basically ignore me until bed time. This went on for about a month. During that time, I asked if everything was alright, and if she had anything she wanted to talk about. She said no. 

After a months time, I thought I would try the "distance" tactic to see if she noticed. I began to treat her the way she treated me; somewhat distanced, not a lot of interaction, always cordial and interested to see her but not being the instigator. 2 weeks passed this way, and she didn't say anything or acknowledge the change. At that point I confronted her again about the change, but this time continued the conversation until I got an answer.

She basically gave me the "I love you but not in love with you" speech, saying she has been feeling this way for a while (possibly years) but was confused and didn't know if it was real or just a phase she was going through. She explained that something had gone missing in our relationship, possibly the passion, possibly the interaction, that made this happen. I immediately told her I was still deeply in love with her and wanted to do everything in my power to make things better. We decided to make an effort for more intimacy, not just sex, and to make an effort to spend more time together. 

Things went great for a few days. We seemed to be connecting in a way that we hadn't in a long time. Then, before the week was out, she went back the way she was before our talk. Back to the couch. Back to the laptop/phone. I tried instigating intimacy, asked her to go out for a date night or make time for a movie night, go out for a day on the weekend to take the dog for a walk at a park, even suggested us getting away for a few days, just the two of us, for a romantic weekend. I got a lot of non-committal responses and round about talk about all of it. 

Yesterday I sat down with her again, to find out if she felt like what we had been trying was working at all. It had only been 2 weeks since we started working on things, and it felt like she had already given up again after only a few days. She explained that nothing really felt different from our talk a couple weeks ago, and she felt she was just being unfair to me. Then she suggested we split up. 

I was crushed. The focal point in my life, my muse, my motivation for all my decisions over the past 9 years, just told me she didn't want me around anymore. A million things went through my head at once. Fight for her! Tell her she's wrong and she just needs to give it more time! But what if by telling her this I'm forcing her into a situation she actually wants to leave? What if she is just waiting to see if I will fight for the relationship; a test of sorts? And if I don't fight, it reaffirms her thoughts on our relationship being done?

We spent some time just sitting to contemplate what just happened, sitting in silence with one another for around an hour. I asked several times what she was thinking; that I just needed to hear more from her. She immediately started saying things like "what if i'm making a mistake" and "i'm not sure if I've been trying hard enough the last week" and "I might have rushed my decision to break it off." I told her I wanted her to be able to look me in the eyes and tell me, with all her heart, that she doesn't see us working out; that no amount of work can fix what we built over the last 9 years. I told her 
I'm willing to wait while she thinks about it. She doesn't really have anywhere to go, so I suggested we try a "separation" of sorts: she stays in the guest room of the house at night, we still live together, but act more like "roommates", a term she said she felt like our relationship was turning into.

Last night was the first night we tried the roommate thing. It was awful. I hardly slept and found myself crying a lot. I'm so torn on how to act or what to do.


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

I am sorry you are going through this. I know there are lots of people here that have great advice for you. I know because they gave it to me. And they will help you too.

The first thing I always see addressed in situations like this, is asking about your gf seeing someone else. Almost every time I read a story like this, including my own, the thing that finally instigates one person to give the ILYBINILWY speech is that they have found someone else.

I think that's the place for you to start.


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

MisterRitter,

Thanks for the reply and well wishes. I, too, have had that thought, as she did start hanging out with a girlfriend (only one day a week) and the constant attachment to the phone, texting "a friend." I have asked her on two occasions now if she has met someone, that I wasn't accusing her of cheating, only if she met someone who has maybe put our relationship in a perspective that she should be happier. Every time she says no. I have a tendency to believe her, as she is an absolute terrible liar, and she and I shared "being cheated on" in other relationships in common.

I suppose she could still be seeing someone, but I know she always comes straight home from work and only really leaves the house to go out maybe once a week, if that. I do not have access to her emails or phone to see if any texts can validate another person in her life.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Lost put a keylogger on her computer and check the phone records I have a feeling you will find out there is someone else, sorry.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Put a voice activated recorder-VAR- in her car you may get some results with that.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

There is someone else. Probably from work.

You can't just ask someone if they are cheating and expect them to say "yes"!

Time to snoop. Perhaps sneak a peak at her phone. If she keeps it passcoded, that's a huge red flag. Check the history on her computer.

Do you know who she is chatting with on her phone and computer, for seemingly hours on end?


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

She gets all her bills emailed to her digitally, and without access to her laptop or cell phone, I can't see what her calling records are.

I will look into the VAR and see if something is viable. We do live together, so I can put one in without too many complications.

Is that really all that is left of a 9 year relationship, though? Sneaking behind her back to try and gather information on her possible cheating? I feel like I should be doing more, but also have read that a lot of posters feel the "cold shoulder" situation typically tells you the truth faster than not.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

It's also possible that she has reconnected with an old flame via Facebook.


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

Threestrikes,

She tells me she is usually talking to one of her few girlfriends or her brother, with whom she is very close. Also, we both also spend a lot of time at home, as neither of us have extra cash to go out and do many things due to the house. She has been going out one night or day a weekend lately, but did not go out at all the last couple of weekends. She is home every night and does not work late.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LostbutHopeful said:


> She gets all her bills emailed to her digitally, and without access to her laptop or cell phone, I can't see what her calling records are.
> 
> I will look into the VAR and see if something is viable. We do live together, so I can put one in without too many complications.
> 
> Is that really all that is left of a 9 year relationship, though? Sneaking behind her back to try and gather information on her possible cheating? I feel like I should be doing more, but also have read that a lot of posters feel the "cold shoulder" situation typically tells you the truth faster than not.


If you want any attempt at r you have to know what you are up against jmo. Now if not, pack her bags limbo and trying to "nice" her out of this you are just wasting your time.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Does she have all your passwords and you hers? There shouldn't be any secrets imo.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

LostbutHopeful said:


> Threestrikes,
> 
> *She tells me she is usually talking to one of her few girlfriends or her brother, with whom she is very close.* Also, we both also spend a lot of time at home, as neither of us have extra cash to go out and do many things due to the house. She has been going out one night or day a weekend lately, but did not go out at all the last couple of weekends. She is home every night and does not work late.


I doubt it. 

Can you just sit down next to her and see the screen? Will she show you, or does she get defensive?

Sorry, this entire picture screams *"emotional affair".* 

Separation will only give her a license to continue the affair, if that's what's going on.

So, first things first. Snoop. Gather evidence. Don't confront her if you find any. Come here first.


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

We have never shared personal passwords to our billing sites, as we do still pay a number of personal bills ourselves. I never saw a reason to share passwords, but I doubt she would give them up now.

I understand that it is unreasonable for me to think that, if she is cheating, she would just tell me if I asked. I have approached it, however, without any accusation, giving her the opportunity to fess up without the feeling of retaliation or judgement. Do people typically continue to hide affairs, even when given such an easy opportunity to come clean?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LostbutHopeful said:


> We have never shared personal passwords to our billing sites, as we do still pay a number of personal bills ourselves. I never saw a reason to share passwords, but I doubt she would give them up now.
> 
> I understand that it is unreasonable for me to think that, if she is cheating, she would just tell me if I asked. I have approached it, however, without any accusation, giving her the opportunity to fess up without the feeling of retaliation or judgement. Do people typically continue to hide affairs, even when given such an easy opportunity to come clean?


Yes it's called cake eating!


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Red Flags for an affair:

1.) the "I love you but I'm not in love with you " speech

2.) passcoding the phone and computer

3.) spending a lot of time on phone/computer

4.) re-writing the history of the relationship, casting it in a negative light

5.) Going out with friends to clubs/bars without you

6.) detaching from physical intimacy

Lost, there are a lot of red flags here. I find it hard to understand why she would check out of your relationship for any other reason, especially when you just bought a house together.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Red Flags for an affair:
> 
> 1.) the "I love you but I'm not in love with you " speech
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

Update:

After not really speaking last night after our decision to try the separation and not interacting this morning, she texted me asking if I would be willing to try couples therapy. I told her yes, but I asked that most councilors' just help couples talk to each other about things they normally wouldn't be able to without a moderator, and if she felt she had things she just couldn't share with me. She said there wasn't, but felt the root of her situation stems form some issues we had around 6 years ago.

To briefly preface, around 5 years ago we hit a bad spell in the relationship. We had been together for 3 years and had decided to move in together. A year went by, and everything was great, but then circumstance made me have to leave my job. I used this opportunity to try and better my education to help with job hunting, and took a job waiting tables to keep the income flowing. Our hours were completely different, as she worked 9-5 and I usually went in around 4 and worked till 11 or later. We started to grow distant during that time. She became a bit of a nag at home, always very negative about everything, which in turn made me not want to be there. This persisted for about a month, until we sat down for a REAL conversation about how we felt. I was not always good at sharing my feelings, so this was a big door opener for me and we seemingly worked everything out, talking about the things that each of us were not fulfilling in each others lives.

Is it common for a person to harbor feelings for that long? If she has been feeling this way for 5 years, why has it been only recently that she started acting differently?

Also, to cover the opinions of the previous posters, does this sound like behavior one would take were they cheating? Is this some kind of cover?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hm find out who she met 2 months ago and plant vars in her car and room at home. That's when you said she changed. So she is talking about something that happened years ago? Sorry that is blame shifting.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

LbH...

With the exception that I have two teenaged kids, the circumstances of our situations are very similar. You are very close to where I was a year ago. It may help give you some perspective and insight to read through my thread and see the direction I had to take.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

LostbutHopeful said:


> Also, to cover the opinions of the previous posters, does this sound like behavior one would take were they cheating? Is this some kind of cover?


Yes. Waywards re-write the history of the relationship to cast it in a negative light. Or they will focus on a difficult situation you've had in the past, as she is doing here.

It's a way to subconsciously justify the affair.


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

Update:

After work last night, we sat down and talked again about things. She still is unsure of her feelings for me, but did not like the arrangement of us sleeping in different beds. We talked about the couples counseling and individual counseling. We both agreed that the best thing to focus on right now are finding out where her feelings are and what she wants. I told her I would support what she needed, but couldn't promise to be the "best friend" in this situation, as I was hurting and needed to be able to emotionally support myself during all of this first. She seemed to waffle on what to do every few minutes: "We should continue the separation thing","I'm not sure the separation thing will work as we won't be talking much". She finally settled on trying to stay in the other guest room another night to see how things went. Around 1 in the morning, she came down, asking to stay in the bed with me. She eventually ended up curling next to me, holding my arm.

Not sure what all this means. Does anyone have any advise on how to get sleep during all this? Two days of little to no sleep and I can see that I won't be able to keep this up for much longer. 

ThreeStrikes: I had not thought of it that way. I will definitely keep that in mind, as I do find it odd that this would only come up now, or even show signs of this, after so much time.

Pbartender: Thanks for chiming in. I will check out your postings as soon as I am able.

I appreciate all the feedback I've been getting. It's an odd situation to find that, after so long in a relationship with another person, you find yourself without many people to go to with this kind of thing.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Have you read no more mr nice guy and married man sex life primer? Ive been here about only 7 months, but based on that the chances of cheating from what you wrote are 90%+ 

All the stories i read here ilybnilwy is the #1 red flag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

Update:

We sat down for another talk on the 17th after work. After over 3 hours of going over feelings and what had transpired since our first talk about issues a few weeks ago, we decided to give things another chance, while scheduling time for each other to make sure we both feel our needs are being met. As the change in feelings toward the relationship came from her, I told her she needed to make the first effort, picking a day and choosing something she enjoyed for us to do together, then I would choose. She thought Thursday would be good, and thought dinner and a movie sounded good.

Shortly after we finished our talk and had some dinner, she approached me about going out of town for the weekend to visit her father in Alabama. He recently took a new job that has him traveling long periods of time. She used to go visit relatives at least once a month (I went with her most of the time), and hasn't seen him since April due to his new schedule. I thought it a little odd to be wanting to be away so soon after our conversation, but I know her relationship with her father, so I said no problem.

The next day at work, I text her to see how her day is going. She replies fine, but then asks if she can go out with friends that night as it is someone's birthday. I think of saying no, but I've always felt that if a person would rather be somewhere else, then making them stay is just an easy recipe for two people to not have an evening they would prefer. I say fine, have fun. She proceeds to text several more times throughout the evening, asking if I'm alright and other small talk items that I don't really reply to.

I thought things were starting to turn around, but now, I'm on the fence again. Why would someone want to be away for 4 out of 5 days right after saying they wanted to work on it?

Pbartender: All I can say, sir, is kudos to you for making it through such a tough time. You and I seem to have pretty similar mindsets in things. I have a question though. Your posts seemed to start at a point a little further into the situation than mine. Did your STBXW(sorry, i know you were in the process of getting her to court to get things taken care of, but I didn't make it through it all to see if you got it resolved)make any effort in saying she wanted to work on things? Did she make that suggestion ever, or was it all you?

awake1: Yeah, many people who have chimed in on this says it has all the signs of a PA/EA, but I have yet to get a VAR to see if I can catch any illicit conversations and I do not have a way to see her phone or email records to get proof. I also looked into summaries and discussions on the books you mentioned. Where many of the topics covered in the book definitely sound familiar, I don't think I am making myself unhappy by being overly nice or not thinking of my needs. I was actually the person who suggested the separation in this one, and I also stipulated a timeline, as I couldn't just wait on the fence forever. I also told her that I would not be the "best friend" in this, as I had my own feelings to deal with.

A question that came to me this morning is one I wonder if anyone has any insight to: How long do I let this situation go on? I am always willing to instigate conversation to talk over things, and they always SEEM productive, but I wonder if I am making it too difficult for her to be honest with me by trying as hard as I am to save things. At the same time, I don't want to rush her into making a decision we will both regret. I understand all relationships require work and communication on both sides, as well as a heaping ton of patience.

Thanks again to all who are looking in and giving advice.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Remember you cannot control her BUT you can control what you are going to put up with. Look at her actions, not words. Now go get a var today and get it in her car and set up 2 in the house-good luck.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

LostbutHopeful said:


> Pbartender: All I can say, sir, is kudos to you for making it through such a tough time. You and I seem to have pretty similar mindsets in things. I have a question though. Your posts seemed to start at a point a little further into the situation than mine. Did your STBXW(sorry, i know you were in the process of getting her to court to get things taken care of, but I didn't make it through it all to see if you got it resolved)make any effort in saying she wanted to work on things? Did she make that suggestion ever, or was it all you?


No.

At the time, it often _felt_, it often _seemed_, like she wanted to work on it. But if I'm being honest with myself, about what she actually said and what she actually did, she only ever wanted _me_ to work on things. She never did more than pretend that she wanted to work things out.

Always, she would promise to work with me and then I would end up doing all the work... she wouldn't live up to her promises.

Always, I was the one taking the blame, I was the one making amends, I was the one who made the mistake and who had to clean up the mess.

Eventually it got to the point where she didn't even try to pretend...

When I asked her to go to marriage counseling with me, she replied, "I already know what's wrong with me. I don't need to go. You can go by yourself, if you want."

When I asked her to read a few books, she replied, "I know it helps you to understand what's going on, but I don't care."

When I caught her red-handed sexting a coworker, her apology was, "I'm sorry you caught me."


That what it means when people around here talk about getting up to 50,000 feet... Set aside what she's saying, because if she's lied to you and manipulated you before, there's no reason she couldn't -- shouldn't -- be now. Watch what she _does_. Honestly, objectively interpret what her actions and decisions mean. _That_, more than anything, will tell you how she really feels, and what her intentions truly are.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

LostbutHopeful said:


> Update:
> 
> The next day at work, I text her to see how her day is going. She replies fine, but then asks if she can go out with friends that night as it is someone's birthday. *I think of saying no*, but I've always felt that if a person would rather be somewhere else, then making them stay is just an easy recipe for two people to not have an evening they would prefer. *I say fine, have fun. *She proceeds to text several more times throughout the evening, asking if I'm alright and other small talk items that I don't really reply to.


Rule #1 for breaking your co-dependent habits:

Stop saying* yes* when you mean* no.*


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

Sounds like if she's not cheating she's thinking about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

Sorry 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

Update:

So, after the last few turns of events, I am sure very many of you will not be surprised at all about what happened. We, as I mentioned in a previous post, we had decided to put some serious effort into trying to fix our relationship: counseling, planned date nights and just overall more effort on both our parts to communicate our feelings and needs. 

She then proceeds to tell me she is going out of town for the weekend, out the next night but will be there for our first date night, Thursday. Needless to say, from following posts here (been reading a thread from Sadman; gave me some insight on what to expect) I saw the lack of effort and conviction in her actions, and lo and behold, she gets home Thursday, having changed her mind on the whole thing, yet again.

She tells me she was only saying she was willing to try for my benefit and what she needed was space to figure out where her feelings are. I immediately took the advice of many on this forum and implemented the 180. I detached myself emotionally right there and then, taking a business like tone, as I had been planning for this to happen.

I told her she would move upstairs and we would only have communications in regards to her needing to come and go from the house, spend time with our dog (he's like a kid to us), getting details together like transferring bills to my name and splitting up our one joint bank account and to start looking for another place to live, as I put all the money into the house to begin with. She tried to tell me she was taking our dog and I said hell no. It was your decision to leave, not mine, so you are not running off with him. 

I am very numb right now. So much so, it's kinda scary. I learned a trick when I was a kid to kind of "turn off" my emotions, and it is helping at this time. I worry, though, how hard it will be to turn them back on this time.



> Rule #1 for breaking your co-dependent habits:
> 
> Stop saying yes when you mean no.


This is awesome. I was wondering why many of the responses were these short statements on this site, and now I see why. I never saw myself as a co-dependent until you wrote this, ThreeStrikes. I can look back on many times in my life where I don't always say what I want because I want the other person to be happy. I will definitely work on this.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

LostbutHopeful said:


> She tells me she was only saying she was willing to try for my benefit and what she needed was space to figure out where her feelings are.


You'll find the most common translation of this phrase around here is, "I need space to figure out if this other guy that I've got a crush on likes me, too, but I don't want to completely ditch you yet just in case he doesn't."

The second most common translation is, "I space so I can have the carefree and effortless excitement of romance and sex in a new relationship without giving up the stability, security and financial support of my relationship with you."


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

LostbutHopeful said:


> I told her she would move upstairs and we would only have communications in regards to her needing to come and go from the house, spend time with our dog (he's like a kid to us), getting details together like transferring bills to my name and splitting up our one joint bank account and to start looking for another place to live, as I put all the money into the house to begin with. She tried to tell me she was taking our dog and I said hell no. It was your decision to leave, not mine, so you are not running off with him.


Good job. Definitely stop funding her lifestyle. 

Again, it really seems like there's a PoSOM involved. But at this point it really doesn't matter.

Keep implementing the 180. Don't come to her rescue, and focus on you. Give her a date regarding when she needs to be moved out. 

At least you aren't legally tied to her.

Can you swing the house payment without her financial help?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> You'll find the most common translation of this phrase around here is, "I need space to figure out if this other guy that I've got a crush on likes me, too, but I don't want to completely ditch you yet just in case he doesn't."
> 
> The second most common translation is, "I space so I can have the carefree and effortless excitement of romance and sex in a new relationship without giving up the stability, security and financial support of my relationship with you."


What Pbartender is referring to is this:

The Unified Theory of Cake


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Keep implementing the 180. Don't come to her rescue, and focus on you. Give her a date regarding when she needs to be moved out.
> 
> At least you aren't legally tied to her.
> 
> Can you swing the house payment without her financial help?


Unfortunately, no. I already did the math, and I would need to find a roommate. I met up with a friend who is in a situation he is not entirely happy with, and he might be able to move in and lease a room from me. I would hate to lose the house, as it was a great buy (already appreciated 30k in one year in value), but I will do what is necessary to move on. 

I don't know I can give her a date to leave, as her name is on the mortgage and she offered to keep paying so this situation doesn't completely screw me over. I am worried that depending on her for too long leaves me exposed to being put in a bad financial situation if she up and decides to leave me for this possible OM.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> What Pbartender is referring to is this:
> 
> The Unified Theory of Cake


The cake is a lie.


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> What Pbartender is referring to is this:
> 
> The Unified Theory of Cake


The more I read on here, the more I am going with your line of thinking. Why put in no effort to fix things? Why doesn't she look as terrified as I feel about where to stay and what to do? Why was she so willing to continue paying the mortgage, when she swears she really on has her mother to go live with, and they HATE living together?

Well, everyone, I have one thing to say to that: I AM NOT A FVCKING BAKER, SO GET YOUR DAMN CAKE ELSEWHERE.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

LostbutHopeful said:


> Unfortunately, no. I already did the math, and I would need to find a roommate. I met up with a friend who is in a situation he is not entirely happy with, and he might be able to move in and lease a room from me. I would hate to lose the house, as it was a great buy (already appreciated 30k in one year in value), but I will do what is necessary to move on.
> 
> I don't know I can give her a date to leave, as her name is on the mortgage and she offered to keep paying so this situation doesn't completely screw me over. I am worried that depending on her for too long leaves me exposed to being put in a bad financial situation if she up and decides to leave me for this possible OM.


Well, then you must treat this like a business decision. Agree to sell the house, split the profits, and you both go your separate ways.

Or one of you can assume the mortgage and stay, after the loan is transferred into their name.


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> The cake is a lie.


But the happy floating robot with the soothing voice told me its here...


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

LostbutHopeful said:


> The more I read on here, the more I am going with your line of thinking. Why put in no effort to fix things? Why doesn't she look as terrified as I feel about where to stay and what to do?


Because she has eliminated uncertainty and risk by not definitively getting rid of you until after she's locked down her next relationship, while keeping you around with the possibility of reconciliation as her "Plan B" safety net in case this new guy doesn't pan out.

Eliminate her safety net, and I guarantee you'll see her attitude change sooner or later.


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Well, then you must treat this like a business decision. Agree to sell the house, split the profits, and you both go your separate ways.
> 
> Or one of you can assume the mortgage and stay, after the loan is transferred into their name.


I will start looking into this as soon as possible. I know I don't like the idea of being financially dependent on someone who ultimately doesn't care what happens to me.

On a side note, I am seeing a lot of advice to other posters to stay active, and that the gym is a good place to start. I'm having a hard time sleeping (only getting a few hours of sleep a night) and eating (one meal a day, about 1-2 ounces of food is all I can keep down). How do you have the energy to go work out?


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> Because she has eliminated uncertainty and risk by not definitively getting rid of you until after she's locked down her next relationship, while keeping you around with the possibility of reconciliation as her "Plan B" safety net in case this new guy doesn't pan out.
> 
> Eliminate her safety net, and I guarantee you'll see her attitude change sooner or later.


Started this philosophy last night. After she changed her mind on me last night, she was crying, constantly trying to change this from her decision to "our" decision as she spoke, all the while trying to get me to take the lead and tell her everything was fine.

I looked her in the eye and said, "Everything is not fine. This is not OUR decision. You are walking away from 9 years of love, sweat and tears for reasons I still feel you are not being honest with me about. You are the one not willing to try."


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

LostbutHopeful said:


> Started this philosophy last night. After she changed her mind on me last night, she was crying, constantly trying to change this from her decision to "our" decision as she spoke, all the while trying to get me to take the lead and tell her everything was fine.


She was trying to shift some of the blame and guilt onto you, so that she can justify her actions.

She's trying to drag you back into the victim triangle.



LostbutHopeful said:


> I looked her in the eye and said, "Everything is not fine. This is not OUR decision. You are walking away from 9 years of love, sweat and tears for reasons I still feel you are not being honest with me about. You are the one not willing to try."


Not bad. Though, a better response would have been no response, or something along the lines of "Are you done?"


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

LostbutHopeful said:


> On a side note, I am seeing a lot of advice to other posters to stay active, and that the gym is a good place to start. I'm having a hard time sleeping (only getting a few hours of sleep a night) and eating (one meal a day, about 1-2 ounces of food is all I can keep down). How do you have the energy to go work out?


Well, you'll be happy to know that we all went through that. Low sleep and little appetite.

Make yourself eat. Even small meals. I lived on scrambled eggs and toast and PB sandwich's LOL. 3x a day.

If you can get to the gym, it's a big stress reliever, and you will start sleeping better.

The good thing is that you will parlay this into losing weight and getting toned. Looking good.

I've been out now for 8-9 months. At 43, I'm looking better than I did 15 years ago. And I feel better. Great, in fact!

When you see the physical changes, your confidence will grow. So use some of this sh!t you're going through now to make positive changes.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> PB sandwich's LOL. 3x a day.


Wait... What?



Sorry, man, I may may be pretty open-minded, but I'm not into that sort of thing... At least, not with other guys.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Ick!

(not that there's anything wrong with that)


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> PB sandwich's LOL. 3x a day.


See, P? All that confident thinking you've been posting has made you a more attractive partner already!


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## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Well, you'll be happy to know that we all went through that. Low sleep and little appetite.
> 
> Make yourself eat. Even small meals. I lived on scrambled eggs and toast and PB sandwich's LOL. 3x a day.
> 
> ...


Agreed, I lost 25 pounds because of the stress, kept working out and am now, at 44, am in the best shape of my life. Perfect timing as I look forward to single life.


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

Day 1 after split

Had a hard time focusing today. Work was busy, which helped and didn't. Got a new hire ill be training next week. Hope I'll have a little more focus by then. Worked out, hung with Eli, my dog, and tried to mess around on the computer. Feeling pretty low right now. Might start running in the morning to help with sleep.


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## LostbutHopeful (Jul 15, 2013)

Day 3 after split:

Spent most of the weekend alone at the house. With nothing but the terrible sound of the voice in my head to keep me company, I decided to start finding as much to do to fill up my time and keep busy. Up to running twice a day and lifting twice a day. Today I fixed the kitchen sink, built a play pen for my dog (he only had a small 3x3 pen before), cleaned the kitchen, did some filing, and moved my at home gym (some free weights and a bench) into my bedroom. I'm up to eating twice a day again, but still not much at a time. Drank a lot this weekend, but none today. I'm down 8 lbs. at this point. Emotional state still iffy, as I felt the need to drink this weekend. I am much more tired that usual, however, and I hope it is from all the working out and projects. Here's hoping to get to 5 hours of sleep tonight.

X came back home around 4. She made some small talk (all initiated by her), to which I gave polite, simple answers. I had a potential person to move in, but they are obligated to a lease until January at the earliest. X said she looked for somewhere to live, but it will be around that time for her as well. Currently looking at over 5 months having to live with the X, possibly as long as 7. Anyone have any pointers?


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