# Completely Devastated by Husbands Emotional Affair



## confusedindenver (Oct 24, 2011)

This is my first post and could use some advice. Sorry it's so long, but this is everything.
I've been married to my husband for 7 years and together for almost 12, no kids. We've had a generally good relationship, the normal ups and downs. For the last 4 years we've had a major disconnect. Around that time I changed careers to something I thoroughly enjoy, but also required me to travel on a weekly basis. Before the career change it was mostly about him and his career. I made his life mine. At the time it seemed ok, but I started to feel lost. So once the travel started with work I tried my best to call often and spend as much time with my husband as possible. Everything seemed ok, then me being gone was beginning to be too much. When I started to feel a strain on the marriage I asked to go part tme and now only travel 3 days a week, maybe 2 weeks out the month. It was unfortunate because I felt I was taking a step back, but I had hoped it would help our relationship.
My husband has a temper and can fly off the handle very easily. So any type of arguement ends with me being silent and him walking away. This has always been something I've asked for him to change. To speak to me with repsect, that we're both adults. But it hasn't. It even gets to the point when he'll threaten our marrige if I don't stop talking to him. So we basically have the same fights all the time.
Last December, he had been acting extremely distant and when I confortonted him about why he rarely speaks to me, he said he has nothing to talk about or is thinking about work. Now, I've never not trusted him and never suspected him to lie to me. But I noticed he was texting a certain number all the time. As much as 30 times a day and from very early in the morning (7am) to very late at night (11p). I found out it was a female co-worker at the shop we owned. I waited for a few days to see if he would tell me about their friendship, that's what I had hoped it was. When he didn't, I looked in his phone and found some messages that were inappropriate. One was sent to him while I was out of town asking "If he was still solo for the night?". I completely lost it. I asked him who he was sending the texts to and he lied and said it was to another co-worker and they were just messing around. I asked 3 more times and he continued the lie. About 15 min later, he asked if we could talk about it. He said they were good friends and he didn't know how I would take them being friends. I then asked him about the texts when I was out of town and he turned white. He sad he knew they were inappropriate and didn't know how to respond. He also said that nothing happened between them physically. Which I don't know if I truly believe him. After that, I decided to change what I thought I was doing wrong and we tried to work on the relationship, the next three months were great. I did everything I could to make him know I loved him. 
A minor issue came up and I thought I could talk to him openly, since we were both moving forward. He blew up at me worse than ever before. He said "F" you, Go "F" yourself and "F" off. He even said if you want to save this marriage you'll "F" off. I was speechless...I've never heard him speak to my that way, ever. It felt like a light switch and my emotions turned off. It's been since April and nothings changed. I feel a little for him, but really it's more I don't want to hurt him. The whole emotional affair and the blow up devastated me and I don't know what to do. 
I need to mention that right before the major blow up I met someone. When I met this man a feeling came over me that I have never felt before in my life. I was completely enamoured with him. The conversations we had while he was in town were amazing and I didn't want them to end. He even said to me that he couldn't believe he had finally met a beautiful girl that he actually liked talking to and she was married. This has me evne more confused. I rarely talk to him and I'm very careful that no signals are being sent. My husband has met him and hung out with him. I've even tell him when we speak. But this overwhelming feeling will not go away. I don't know if I should stay or go. Help!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This thread title should read: Completely Devastated by Husbands Emotional Affair & Now I am Having an Affair, too.

Eh. Two wrongs don't make a right.

As long as both of you are playing with people behind eachothers' backs, you have nothing to work on. You can't work on a marriage or deicde what to do while third and fourth parties are lingering in the background. 

So do you guys wants to be together? You've now both stepped outside the marriage? Is the goal to ultimately be together or to part? 

What do you want?


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Confused.....are you sure you want to start something with another man right now? To be honest, you strike me as a hurting female that needs a little TLC right now and may be very vulnerable and do something that may be worse than the man you are married to. Is that what you want and how will it work out with the new guy a year down the road? You might look back and realise it was not a good move because of your situation you are in. There are millions of male vultures out there just dreaming of finding a hurting wife like you to help mess up their life even more. 
My opinion is no married person has any business working a job that has them travel and be away from their spouse. But that's your business and decision to have been made. 
Are you and hubby willing to seek help from marriage councelors and try to keep it together? That would be my two cents.


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## confusedindenver (Oct 24, 2011)

@ Jellybeans & Bartimaus - I know the feelings I have felt aren't right, but he is nothing more than an aquaintance. He lives in another country and we maybe speak once over a two month period. When he visited we (my husband and I) saw him twice. But I see where you're coming from, which is why I hardly talk to him. That's the thing, I don't know what I want. Having a relationship with this other person is unrealistic, I know that. I'm not holding onto hope for that to happen, I'm not that type of person. The thought of being alone sounds nice, that's what makes me feel bad. He has said many times that maybe we are not right for each other and I've always tried to get us to work on it. The only difference is that I now agree with him, maybe we aren't right for each other. Years of being verbally beat down has taken a toll. I feel like I have nothing left to give. We tried a marriage counselor, but he didn't want to go back and I've seen a therapist since March.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Stop talking to the OM now. You are starting an affair regardless of how you see it now. And the OM knows this as well.

If you are done with your H, get the divorce and get your feet on the ground before you start another relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This:



confusedindenver said:


> @ Jellybeans & Bartimaus - I know the feelings I have felt aren't right, but *he is nothing more than an aquaintance*
> 
> *Having a relationship with this other person is unrealistic, I know that.*


Doesn't match this:



confusedindenver said:


> I need to mention that right before the major blow up *I met someone*. *When I met this man a feeling came over me that I have never felt before in my life. I was completely enamoured with him. **The conversations we had while he was in town were amazing and I didn't want them to end. He even said to me that he couldn't believe he had finally met a beautiful girl that he actually liked talking to and she was married. This has me evne more confused. * I rarely talk to him and I'm very careful that no signals are being sent. My husband has met him and hung out with him. I've even tell him when we speak. But this overwhelming feeling will not go away. I don't know if I should stay or go. Help!


He's not your friend. Not if you've had those kind of conversations with him. Does your husband knwo about the intimacy you've shared with him? Any contact w/ him is no good. 

Either work on your marriage or end it. Don't involve 3rd, 4th, 5th parties...


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## confusedindenver (Oct 24, 2011)

Your right. I have those feelings, but I guess what I was trying to say is that we aren't speaking regularly. Maybe 3 times since April. The thoughts and feelings are what I feel. I have no idea what he feels. The conversations we had was while my husband was there and we spoke about things that interest us. I did want to continue the conversation, because it was enagaging. Can two people that aren't married have that kind of conversation? I haven't tried to start anything with him and as I said before I've always told my husband when we speak. He was even in the conversations when I had them. I have nothing to hide, I've always been honest about any friendship I've had. I just don't know how to explain the feeling I had, which I'm positive is one sided.


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## confusedindenver (Oct 24, 2011)

I haven't spoken to him since Sept. and won't. I hear what everyone is saying.


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## confusedindenver (Oct 24, 2011)

Is anyone going to give me advice on my husbands emotional affair??


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop talking to the OM.

Is your husband still in contact with the OW? If so, you need to start there: tell him you won't live in an open marriage. 

Are you doing marriage counselling?


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## confusedindenver (Oct 24, 2011)

I will.
He is not, but sees her from time to time. She was rehired at the shop we owned after I sold my shares. She was let go when we all found out about their relationship. He knows I won't live in an open relationship, but he is constantly lying about everything. Even little stuff, I don't know what to believe. He even lied about seeing her multiple times after he said he wouldn't, I found out from friends. 
We went to one session together, but he doesn't want to go back.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

OP...you have my sympathy for what you are going through. I read your story and it brings a sad feeling because of what another person is going through but also because of what I have went through.
About your husband. If he texted the same woman 30 times in one day then he had more than a normal work related interest in her. But though alot of people say leave and don't look back in situations like we have on here I don't say that. Knowing where my marriage has been at times,knowing that everything seemed burntup and the ashes cast to the wind over the sea, I didn't give up. We would get back together and God would heal it.
But,we never took the proper steps to change the relationship so it wouldn't happen again,and so it has been the same thing over and over for so many years. But there have been good times,but we should have had counceling,we didn't. 
It doesn't matter if it seems too late or all wasted. 
But many consider me blind and that I have been.
It's you that will have to live with your decision. I am not one to give advice even though we have been married for over 38 years. But take the suggestion of some here,,,get help,each should show remorse,and be 100% transparent if you two give it another try.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I guess I'm somewhat confused at the responses you are being given :scratchhead: I guess I don't equate having 'thoughts' as any form of cheating whatsoever. 

I think what this man has done is to get you thinking more about your own relationship & it seems you have tried by changing your own behaviors, changing your work schedule, talking, counseling in order to improve your marriage, yet your husband does not seem to be willing to do the same.

The last verbal confrontation was way beyond anything I would be able to put up with. In my opinion, it just screams disrespect for you for him to be able to say those things (although I do not know what the minor disagreement was about, I cannot imagine hearing this from my husband, ever!)

Do his anger issues come up everywhere, outside of the house, with others if things set him off or does this seem to be isolated with you?


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## confusedindenver (Oct 24, 2011)

@ Bartimaus - I don't want to look back in 10 years and still be arguing about the same stuff. That's why I feel this sense of urgency to make a decision. I've thought about separating for a bit, so we can both work on ourselves. But I hate being the one to hurt him. 
@ Swedish - I definately don't think I'm cheating on my husband. I do have feelings that aren't right, but have done nothing about it. He did get me thinking about my relationship and what it lacks. My husband has showed no interest in me, what I do for a living or my friends. He's admitted to this and feels bad. I think it's the way he grew up. I mean I've known him for 12 years and never heard him tell anyone in his family that he loves them. My family on the other hand says it everyday. We also have very little in common. The things we have in common are the things I do with him. He never attends anything with me. I have friends I've known for 2 years that have never met him. And I invite him to everything.
Our last major fight was in my opinion a minor disagreement. I generally handle most errands (bank, grocery, etc...) and needed him to go for me. The day of, he said he didn't want to, so I had to change my day around to make it to the bank, minor right. I talked to him about it, telling him that I rarely ask for a favor and I really needed him to go. That's when he blew up. It seriously came out of nowhere, because we've discussed things like that before and it wasn't a huge deal. I was speechless.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

confusedindenver said:


> He knows I won't live in an open relationship, but he is constantly lying about everything. Even little stuff, I don't know what to believe. He even lied about seeing her multiple times after he said he wouldn't, I found out from friends.
> We went to one session together, but he doesn't want to go back.


Seriously, he has crossed a major line in your marriage, carrying on this emotional affair & as soon as you found out, he should have been working on regaining your trust...not lying and seeing her behind your back...how can he expect you to begin to trust again & rebuild your marriage? 

Sounds more like he lashes out at you to 'scare' you into walking on eggshells and not confronting him on his poor behavior.

If it were me, he would need to seriously step up and prove himself at this point to give me a clue that he even wanted to work on the marriage.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If anyone told me to go F... myself thats exactly what I would do and never look back. That's a dealbreaker. On top of that he is committing adultery.


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