# Panic over ex-HS girlfriend before 20th Reunion



## Mr Mister (Oct 25, 2012)

Hi, I'm new to this forum so I apologize if this is a common question. My first serious love was a girl I met in high school and dated for a few years into college. I was young and dumb and cheated on her a few times. She was really sweet and I assumed we would marry someday but I wasn't capable of having an adult, monogamous relationship at that point in my life. She eventually ended it after many second chances.

That was 17 years ago. I'm happily married now with kids. I've bumped into her a few times over the years but we never had more than a 2 minute conversation. I still harbor a great deal of guilt and shame for how I treated her. I was so reckless and unappreciative of her love. It destroyed me and I thought about her constantly for many, many years afterward. 

My 20th high school reunion is this weekend and I'm really dreading seeing her. It's like revisiting one of the greatest mistakes of my life. I've been obsessing over possible conversations in my head for weeks. It's silly but I'm really freaking out over this one thing and probably won't attend the reunion. 

Can someone offer some advice on how to handle this? How can I be so messed up over this 20 years later? Thanks for any replies.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Why haven't you ever contacted her just to apologize for being an arse when you guys were together, not forgetting to mention that you are happily married with a wonderful family of your own, and leave it at that? Put the past behind you?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Honestly? If you are that messed up over this, then don't go to the reunion. Focus on your wife and family, and stop obsessing over a 17 year old girl. Because in your mind, that's what she is; you don't know her as the woman she is now.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Honesly? If you are that messed up over this, then don't go to the reunion. Focus on your wife and family, and stop obsessing over a 17 year old girl. Because in your mind, that's what she is; you don't know her as the woman she is now.


Agree with this as well.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

DayDream said:


> Why haven't you ever contacted her just to apologize for being an arse when you guys were together, not forgetting to mention that you are happily married with a wonderful family of your own, and leave it at that? Put the past behind you?


That's a can of worms that should remain closed, IMHO...it could very well set the stage for a trip down memory lane...


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Chances are that you have never been more than a second thought in her mine in all those 20 yrs. Please DO NOT expect to reignite or beg forgiveness at the reunion. In fact make sure you take your wife with you. Your ex has no place in the marriage or taking time away from your children.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Are you taking your wife to this reunion? Does your wife know about your feelings here? If the answer to either is no, then I agree with Candiegirl too. Why go ?!?!?! 

The only honest way for you to get past this is to discuss it with your wife.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Yeah, I'm kinda leaning more and more toward him having feelings still for this OW.


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

A lot of things happen in 20 years. I would not worry about it, it may be a bit ackward, but just enjoy seeing everyone and if is to much to talk to her, then keep it to a polite hi and it was nice to see you.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

Mr Mister said:


> Hi, I'm new to this forum so I apologize if this is a common question. My first serious love was a girl I met in high school and dated for a few years into college. I was young and dumb and cheated on her a few times. She was really sweet and I assumed we would marry someday but I wasn't capable of having an adult, monogamous relationship at that point in my life. She eventually ended it after many second chances.
> 
> That was 17 years ago. I'm happily married now with kids. I've bumped into her a few times over the years but we never had more than a 2 minute conversation. I still harbor a great deal of guilt and shame for how I treated her. I was so reckless and unappreciative of her love. It destroyed me and I thought about her constantly for many, many years afterward.
> 
> ...


This happened 20 years ago!

Yes you were a terrible boyfriend. Yes you probably never addressed it and cut your ties (like most people) after you went your separate ways.

Yes, you met someone else and have _created a life with them_.

Why, oh _WHY_ are you investing so much of your emotional energy into something that has NO relevance to your current life?

It disturbs me that you are thinking this much about a girl who is very clearly still the high school girl you dated in your mind. But what does it matter? You made your mistakes with her and you broke up and moved on.

Why revisit this?

It does bother me that you 'cheated on her a few times' and flippantly mentioned 'Oh and I figured I'd marry her too.' But I'm sticking to my guns with this is the past and should remain in the past. Don't let this bleed into your present and ruin your future.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

About 13 years ago, I reconected via email with my first love. It didn't take long until we were arranging to meet in my city. I didn't go through with it...but those feelings sure were easy to reignite. That taught me that I have to stay away from exes and it's absolutely mandatory for my husband to do so as well. Too much of a trigger/risk. (Risk for me to connect with an ex and trigger for my H to connect with one).


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## Mr Mister (Oct 25, 2012)

Why haven't I called her? Well, CandiGirl basically summed that up. I'm not looking to give her the wrong impression and rekindle anything. I have seen her briefly a few times over the years and occasionally looked her up online. She's on her second marriage with a couple kids living a few states away. But we are not FB buddies or have any communications at all. I wouldn't mind being distant friends but I always expected her to make the first move.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Mr Mister said:


> Why haven't I called her? Well, CandiGirl basically summed that up. I'm not looking to give her the wrong impression and rekindle anything. I have seen her briefly a few times over the years and occasionally looked her up online. She's on her second marriage with a couple kids living a few states away. But we are not FB buddies or have any communications at all. I wouldn't mind being distant friends but *I always expected her to make the first move*.


There's probably a reason for that. I never contact exes. Ever.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

Mr Mister said:


> I wouldn't mind being distant friends but I always expected her to make the first move.


expected her to? or your hoping she will?

i feel a bit sorry for your wife, cause your feelings for this other woman are obviously still there and still strong.....time to let it go, chances are she has not thought about you once over all those years, if you bump into her just say "hi how are you doing" and move on, dont get into any sappy apology or your just going to embarrass yourself,

it sounds like she didnt think that much of you back in the day, so why would she now? :scratchhead:


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Mr Mister said:


> Why haven't I called her? Well, CandiGirl basically summed that up. I'm not looking to give her the wrong impression and rekindle anything. I have seen her briefly a few times over the years and occasionally looked her up online. She's on her second marriage with a couple kids living a few states away. But we are not FB buddies or have any communications at all. I wouldn't mind being distant friends but I always expected her to make the first move.


You cannot be any type of "friends" with an ex....unless they are gay. There will always be those "feelings" there. I am not friends with any of my exs on facebook or in real life. Temptation comes in many forms and most of them sneak up on you when you are not looking.

Expecting her to make the first move means you have on hell of an ego. Let the thought of her go.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> Chances are that you have never been more than a second thought in her mine in all those 20 yrs. Please DO NOT expect to reignite or beg forgiveness at the reunion. In fact make sure you take your wife with you. Your ex has no place in the marriage or taking time away from your children.


Exactly what I was thinking....








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I wouldn't worry about it. She is a grown woman and she doesn't need to spend her reunion being reminded of you cheating on her. 
Just be cordial and don't get deep into anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> I wouldn't worry about it. She is a grown woman and she doesn't need to spend her reunion being reminded of you cheating on her.
> Just be cordial and don't get deep into anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a GREAT answer!


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## Mr Mister (Oct 25, 2012)

Unfortunately my wife is out of town on business and won't be able to join me. My wife was well aware of this early on in our relationship but I haven't mentioned the ex-gf in years. I'm thinking most spouses don't like to hear you are still thinking about old breakup.



Mrs Chai said:


> This happened 20 years ago!
> 
> Yes you were a terrible boyfriend. Yes you probably never addressed it and cut your ties (like most people) after you went your separate ways.
> 
> ...


Man, I wish I knew. I felt like I had finally put it aside but this reunion is stirring up my emotions.



Mrs Chai said:


> It disturbs me that you are thinking this much about a girl who is very clearly still the high school girl you dated in your mind. But what does it matter? You made your mistakes with her and you broke up and moved on.
> 
> Why revisit this?


Well, you could say the pain of that experience ultimately made me a better husband and father later. But do I always have to carry the pain? My brain won't let it go. 



Mrs Chai said:


> It does bother me that you 'cheated on her a few times' and flippantly mentioned 'Oh and I figured I'd marry her too.' But I'm sticking to my guns with this is the past and should remain in the past. Don't let this bleed into your present and ruin your future.


Again, I was a dumb kid and assumed I could have everything. I don't mean to seem unappreciative but "don't think about" wasn't the answer I was seeking. I've tried that for years and obviously it's not working. 

I originally thought the reunion might give me a chance to get this out of my mind somehow but everyone is saying don't go, you'll say something stupid, you'll threaten your marriage, etc.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

Mr Mister said:


> Man, I wish I knew. I felt like I had finally put it aside but this reunion is stirring up my emotions.


dont go.....problem solved


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Unfortunately my wife is out of town on business and won't be able to join me. 

*Than you DO NOT go. You are not in the mindset to handle any type of communication with this woman (notice I did not say 17 yr old).*

My wife was well aware of this early on in our relationship but I haven't mentioned the ex-gf in years. I'm thinking most spouses don't like to hear you are still thinking about old breakup.

*You need to grow up. That relationship has sailed away. And you are right, we don't like hearing about the one that got away anymore than you do. But that does not mean that we obsess over it.* 

Man, I wish I knew. I felt like I had finally put it aside but this reunion is stirring up my emotions.

*No, you are just starting to feel old. Can you not take solice in the fact that you have stayed faithful to your wife.*

Well, you could say the pain of that experience ultimately made me a better husband and father later. But do I always have to carry the pain? My brain won't let it go. 

*Was the cheating that painful for you? If so why would any man want an OW. Get over yourself. The pain was purely hers. You got nothing but satisfaction.*

Again, I was a dumb kid and assumed I could have everything. I don't mean to seem unappreciative but "don't think about" wasn't the answer I was seeking. I've tried that for years and obviously it's not working. 

*Sad to say but you are still acting like a dumb kid. You should not be focusing on anyone or thing outside your wife or kids. If she does not affect your pocketbook then leave her the hell alone.*

I originally thought the reunion might give me a chance to get this out of my mind somehow but everyone is saying don't go, you'll say something stupid, you'll threaten your marriage, etc. 

*You will....you are stating poor bounderies...even if they are in your head. Nobody is saying you will say something stupid, we are just saying you are living in a fantasy of forgiveness that disappeared years ago....at least 15 yrs if you ask me.*


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to read this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

You are playing with fire here. Dr. Glass talks about windows and walls. You are wanting to open up a window with your ex, or rather wanting HER to open it, and you have a wall up between you and your wife by not discussing this with her and her not coming to this reunion.

DO NOT go to this reunion.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Why are you still thinking about this particular break up? Was it the only one you experienced before marriage? I certainly hope so, as that would at least help me to understand the obsession a little more.

Even first love dude for me; aside from right now, I haven't thought of that breakup in over a decade. And probably a decade before that. I never think of breakups, not even bad ones! It's not healthy!


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I never think of breakups, not even bad ones! It's not healthy!


the only reason anybody would think about breakups is if they still had feelings for the person


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## lovetopleasewife (Oct 7, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> About 13 years ago, I reconected via email with my first love. It didn't take long until we were arranging to meet in my city. I didn't go through with it...but those feelings sure were easy to reignite. That taught me that I have to stay away from exes and it's absolutely mandatory for my husband to do so as well. Too much of a trigger/risk. (Risk for me to connect with an ex and trigger for my H to connect with one).



It is a dangerous thing to do. I am friends on FB and hung out with a few of my past girlfriends, but none that I had a real close intimate connection to. However, I have one girl who I was head over heals over years ago, that I know better than to try to contact. I just don't think it would be a good idea. I would not want to get with her, I only want my wife, but I don't need to bring up old emotions that could hinder the relationship with my wife. There is a reason she is in my past and needs to stay. It took to many years to get over her the first time.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

justanaveragejoe said:


> the only reason anybody would think about breakups is if they still had feelings for the person


And not always good feelings; I had a bad break up a few years back and the only way I was able to move on and stop obsessing over the smarm bag (I didn't even LIKE him anymore he was such a slime-o!) was to send him a mean nasty letter, telling him exactly what I thought of him. It worked like a charm in that particular situation, because he wanted to remain 'friends', but I don't recommend resuming contact in most cases.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

the only reason to stay in contact with an ex is if you have kids together, thats it....no kids, no contact....period!


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## Mr Mister (Oct 25, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Why are you still thinking about this particular break up? Was it the only one you experienced before marriage? I certainly hope so, as that would at least help me to understand the obsession a little more.
> 
> Even first love dude for me; aside from right now, I haven't thought of that breakup in over a decade. And probably a decade before that. I never think of breakups, not even bad ones! It's not healthy!


I had other relationships before I met my wife. But they weren't as serious and I almost never think about them. I've had a few contact me out of the blue and I'm cordial but never let them into my life. I love my wife very much and have no intention of doing anything to threaten our marriage. 

I suppose this is about me. I want her to see that I'm not that cruel, immature guy anymore. I'm a good, faithful person now. And I selfishly would like her forgiveness. Maybe I can get this out of my head if I don't feel like she absolutely despises me.

Can this be done? Does anyone think it will help?


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

Mr Mister said:


> I want her to see that I'm not that cruel, immature guy anymore. I'm a good, faithful person now.


she doesnt care.....

she still sees you as the cheater that you were, and she always will....and nothing you ever say to her will change that opinion


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Think this through, man. What's she going to think if you tell her how sorry you are? She's going to just think you're kind of pathetic. Or - maybe she won't. Maybe she'll make that 'first move' you've been waiting for!!!! Then what?! Do you take advantage of the fact you're staying in a hotel miles from your wife, and take her back there?

What are you hoping to gain from telling her, really? Your own peace of mind? Confess to your wife, tell HER how you feel about this woman and how sorry you are for the way you treated her. And STAY HOME from the reunion.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mr Mister said:


> I wouldn't mind being distant friends but *I always expected her to make the first move*.


I don't understand that. What do you mean?


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## GenieD (Oct 21, 2012)

Mr Mister said:


> I want her to see that I'm not that cruel, immature guy anymore. I'm a good, faithful person now. And I selfishly would like her forgiveness. Maybe I can get this out of my head if I don't feel like she absolutely despises me.


A) It doesn't matter what she thinks, it matters how you are.
B) If you bump into her at the reunion, make an joking comment about how you were a jerk back then and keep the whole conversation short. She'll know (if she's smart) that your acknowledgement of being a jerk then means you aren't now. Keeping it short means that 1) that's not the reason you're there and 2) you aren't trying to rekindle anything.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

It's a selfish impulse. You're looking to rekindle something, whether you know it or not.

People don't necessarily owe you the right to closure.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

Mr Mister said:


> I had other relationships before I met my wife. But they weren't as serious and I almost never think about them. I've had a few contact me out of the blue and I'm cordial but never let them into my life. I love my wife very much and have no intention of doing anything to threaten our marriage.
> 
> I suppose this is about me. I want her to see that I'm not that cruel, immature guy anymore. I'm a good, faithful person now. And I selfishly would like her forgiveness. Maybe I can get this out of my head if I don't feel like she absolutely despises me.
> 
> Can this be done? Does anyone think it will help?



She won't care. Why would you think she would? This was 20 years ago. Two decades. The very audacity that you would even _think_ that she would sit there and recall a crummy HIGH SCHOOL relationship she had twenty years ago and have it matter to her in the least makes no sense to me.

She's moved on - dated other men and *possibly even got married*. So she's really over you.

It's none of your business anymore about how she views you because it doesn't matter.

This has nothing to do with HER. This is about you, which is showing that this molehill is more of a mountain in regards to your insecurities which unfortunately means it will effect your wife and marriage.

*I think you should tell your wife about these feelings as this may open up a dialogue for you to talk about what else is going on in your marriage to even give these "emotions" credence.*


And also, for the love of your wife who undoubtedly takes her vows she made at the alter very seriously - do not go to this reunion.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

My first love cheated on me, too; he french kissed another girl from our highschool! I'm trying to imagine him, now, contacting me or approaching me at a reuinion and bringing it up to apologize. I'd be embarassed for him! And I'm sorry, but knowing me, I'd probably end up bursting into laughter, and here this poor guy who'd poured his heart out, would end up mortified beyond belief. Buddy, you gotta let it go.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

> Originally Posted by Mr Mister View Post
> I wouldn't mind being distant friends but I always expected her to make the first move.





Jellybeans said:


> I don't understand that. What do you mean?


I didn't catch that my first read Jelly, that's a great question.

I'd like you to expand on that line of thought.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Yeah let it go. My HS bf cheated on me too. Hell most girls HS bfs do I think lmao. I am also a very sweet girl. If I saw him today I think I'd only be grateful that I didn't end up with him. Wouldn't wanna talk to him at all though, and tbh neither should you want to talk to a past love.. You're married.. And old flames burn brightest.


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## Mr Mister (Oct 25, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't understand that. What do you mean?


Everyone seems to be taking that "first move" comment the wrong way. It's not a hook-up fantasy. I meant that I make a point of staying out of her life because she broke up with me. It's her decision if she's ok saying hi or being FB friends. 

Yeah, I know it's stupid to still need forgiveness but I can't dump the guilt. That breakup was a huge turning point in my life. And while it taught me how to have a healthy relationship, I still can't dump the shame. 

Just wanted to let everyone know I really appreciate all the comments and perspectives. I just don't have anyone to really discuss this.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Yeah I got that, I figured first move meant first contact.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Mr Mister said:


> Everyone seems to be taking that "first move" comment the wrong way. It's not a hook-up fantasy. I meant that I make a point of staying out of her life because she broke up with me. It's her decision if she's ok saying hi or being FB friends.
> 
> Yeah, I know it's stupid to still need forgiveness but I can't dump the guilt. That breakup was a huge turning point in my life. And while it taught me how to have a healthy relationship, I still can't dump the shame.
> 
> Just wanted to let everyone know I really appreciate all the comments and perspectives. I just don't have anyone to really discuss this.


Everybody makes mistakes...the point is that you learned from it like you were supposed to. Everybody lives with regrets...that's life. The problem is you are harping on your regrets with this girl and you should be leaving it in the past where it belongs.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Just wanted to let everyone know I really appreciate all the comments and perspectives. I just don't have anyone to really discuss this.


I still think you should discuss this with your wife.


And since she has never made a move, is that not the answer you are looking for?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

DayDream said:


> Why haven't you ever contacted her just to apologize for being an arse when you guys were together, not forgetting to mention that you are happily married with a wonderful family of your own, and leave it at that? Put the past behind you?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

kipani said:


> Yeah let it go. My HS bf cheated on me too. Hell most girls HS bfs do I think lmao. I am also a very sweet girl. If I saw him today I think I'd only be grateful that I didn't end up with him. Wouldn't wanna talk to him at all though, and tbh neither should you want to talk to a past love.. You're married.. *And old flames burn brightest*.


Only when they're stoked! Left alone, they burn out soon enough.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Mr Mister said:


> I just don't have anyone to really discuss this.


Uh, hello, you have a WIFE to discuss this with. Do so.

And read the book I posted about here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...friend-before-20th-reunion-2.html#post1165333


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Mr Mister said:


> Everyone seems to be taking that "first move" comment the wrong way. It's not a hook-up fantasy. I meant that I make a point of staying out of her life because she broke up with me. It's her decision if she's ok saying hi or being FB friends.
> 
> Yeah, I know it's stupid to still need forgiveness but I can't dump the guilt. That breakup was a huge turning point in my life. And while it taught me how to have a healthy relationship, I still can't dump the shame.
> 
> Just wanted to let everyone know I really appreciate all the comments and perspectives. I just don't have anyone to really discuss this.


Sometimes you can really never right a wrong. Since she dumped you originally I would let her make the move as far as making amends. Seeing as how yr married and whatnot today their really is no reason to have her in your life as others have said let it go


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't understand that. What do you mean?


Your past shows that you have issues with boundaries why would you want a former gf as a friend that is red flag to me. If you are married you shouldnt have former exs as friends you or your spouse.


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## Mr Mister (Oct 25, 2012)

Mrs Chai said:


> She won't care. Why would you think she would? This was 20 years ago. Two decades. The very audacity that you would even _think_ that she would sit there and recall a crummy HIGH SCHOOL relationship she had twenty years ago and have it matter to her in the least makes no sense to me.
> 
> She's moved on - dated other men and *possibly even got married*. So she's really over you.


Well it started on the last day of high school but we dated for about four years in college and lived together for a bit. It was the first serious relationship for BOTH of us. Yes, she's married now and I expect her to be really, really over me. I assume she will bring her husband to the reunion. 



Mrs Chai said:


> This has nothing to do with HER. This is about you, which is showing that this molehill is more of a mountain in regards to your insecurities which unfortunately means it will effect your wife and marriage.


My wife knows I feel guilty about the whole thing but we haven't spoken about it for awhile. This is my problem to work out and I don't want to keep throwing it in her face. I don't think it affects my marriage because I am not trying to regain contact with her beyond a conversation at the reunion.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Mr Mister said:


> Well it started on the last day of high school but we dated for about four years in college and lived together for a bit. It was the first serious relationship for BOTH of us. Yes, she's married now and I expect her to be really, really over me. I assume she will bring her husband to the reunion.
> 
> 
> 
> My wife knows I feel guilty about the whole thing but we haven't spoken about it for awhile. This is my problem to work out and I don't want to keep throwing it in her face. I don't think it affects my marriage because I am not trying to regain contact with her beyond a conversation at the reunion.


Well, I applaud you for recognizing you have a problem and coming on here to get ripped on.  No really, though. You did the right thing. I hope everything works out for you and you continue to do the right thing by your wife.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

DayDream said:


> Well, I applaud you for recognizing you have a problem and coming on here to get ripped on.  No really, though. You did the right thing. I hope everything works out for you and you continue to do the right thing by your wife.


I believe in tough love here. And I don't tread lightly when it appears someone is easing themselves into an EA.

However I have reached a point of







as I'm seeing a lot of excuses of why he won't talk to his wife.

I've yet to see any *good ones* though.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You're overthinking this, Mr. Mister.

As you already realize, she's over you and she probably doesn't even think of you.

I certainly don't think of old high school boyfriends. That's way in the past and I leave it there. 

The interesting thing is why are you so focused on something that happened so long ago? Don't live your life looking backwards. And while what you did was hurtful, it's not as if you killed someone and got away with it. Closure with an old girlfriend is overrated. The way you show closure is to move on with your life and not refer at all to the past. There's no need for you to bring up your history with her. I think you'll only end up embarassing yourself.


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## Mr Mister (Oct 25, 2012)

Mrs Chai, what exactly would talking to my wife about this (again) accomplish? Add unnecessary conflict to my marriage? Fire up her insecurities? I think I've been pretty clear about my motives here. I see more harm than good in that move. And it really doesn't help me fix my problem.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think you need to admit your feelings for this ex. You were with her a long time and you lived with her. Pretty much married. It wasn't just some high school crush.

My guess is you regret screwing that relationship up. You view that relationship as better than what your marriage currently is. Could be true or it could be because you have 'selective' memory about the ex.

My advice is stay away from temptation. Don't go to the reunion. Try to forget about the ex. Put all your energy into your marriage.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Mr Mister said:


> Mrs Chai, what exactly would talking to my wife about this (again) accomplish? Add unnecessary conflict to my marriage? Fire up her insecurities? I think I've been pretty clear about my motives here. I see more harm than good in that move. And it really doesn't help me fix my problem.


Actually, men not confiding in their wives over what you're concerned about right now (Making her insecure, burdening) is generally what leads to affairs. She's forgotten about you. You should forget about her yet you want to kindle contact...


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## Mr Mister (Oct 25, 2012)

Sure I regret screwing it up. But I also know that if that relationship continued, I would be in a much worse situation today. My marriage is way better in every regard than that relationship. 

I know this board is filled with marriages broken by PAs and EAs so "avoid temptation" seems to be everyone's default answer. Good advice usually. But there is part of me that would enjoy seeing the other 349 people that might be at this reunion. 

There have been a lot of great comments to help me think this out from my and her perspective. Really great to hear responses from women especially. Lots to think about in the next few days.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Your wife has every right to know that you are wanting to mend things with an ex lover! There is immense dis-respect on your part thinking you can go make things right with an ex without telling your wife. Stop hiding behind your lame self-centered excuse that you don't want to put it in her face again. If you don't want it in her face drop it. If you intend to make amends with an ex lover be a man and be honest with your wife. I think you are being dishonest with yourself about what you are really wanting here. 
If you talk to her or intend to make things right you should have a long sit down talk with your wife first. If you don't you are being dis-loyal......not a protective husband.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Your wife has every right to know that you are wanting to mend things with an ex lover! There is immense dis-respect on your part thinking you can go make things right with an ex without telling your wife. Stop hiding behind your lame self-centered excuse that you don't want to put it in her face again. If you don't want it in her face drop it. If you intend to make amends with an ex lover be a man and be honest with your wife. I think you are being dishonest with yourself about what you are really wanting here. 
If you talk to her or intend to make things right you should have a long sit down talk with your wife first. If you don't you are being dis-loyal......not a protective husband.:iagree:

You should talk to your wife and establish what if anything she is happy for you to do/say and do only that. If she is not happy for you to go, then you do not go.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think you should skip the reunion even if your wife was going with you. I do believe you still have feelings for your ex. & for all anybody knows, she can still have feelings for you. I know you love your wife.

I am going to give you a real life example:

My first love hurt me real bad; it almost destroyed me. We were living together & talking about marriage. He cheated & I left. He has never apologized & I never want him to because AN APOLOGY WOULD NOT CHANGE A THING EXCEPT TO DIG UP ALL OF THE BURIED HURT.

Get it? People get hurt all of the time in relationships. Your apology now, 20 yrs. later could hurt her all over again. If she was anything like me, it took her YEARS to get over you & it would be selfish on your part to bring up that horrible time in her life.

I don't think you need to tell your wife anything about this. If I knew my first love was going to be at a reunion, I would not go. I don't need the drama.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Mr Mister said:


> Sure I regret screwing it up. But I also know that if that relationship continued, I would be in a much worse situation today. My marriage is way better in every regard than that relationship.
> 
> I know this board is filled with marriages broken by PAs and EAs so "avoid temptation" seems to be everyone's default answer. Good advice usually. But there is part of me that would enjoy seeing the other 349 people that might be at this reunion.
> 
> There have been a lot of great comments to help me think this out from my and her perspective. Really great to hear responses from women especially. Lots to think about in the next few days.


You have gotten a lot of good advice and I really hope you take it to heart. 



Emerald said:


> I think you should skip the reunion even if your wife was going with you. I do believe you still have feelings for your ex. & for all anybody knows, she can still have feelings for you. I know you love your wife.
> 
> I am going to give you a real life example:
> 
> ...


I was cheated on by my first love as well, when I wouldn't give him sex and he went and slept with my "friend". This happened years ago and he recently tried to 'apologize' to me. Honestly, his apology meant nothing to me because they are just words and his actions of what he did before mean a lot more than what ever he told me after the fact. All it did was bring up feelings of anger, but he selfishly felt better for apologizing to me. Leave the past in the past, and move on with your life. She is over you, but you don't seem to be over her. If you really want to reconnect with this ex-lover, then you need to talk with your wife first. My husband knew all about my ex, what he had done, and his pathetic 'apology'. Don't go to the reunion and forget about what happened in the past.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

your waiting for her to make the first move, she has not done so in 20 years, enough said, she doesnt think about you, she doesnt care about you, she doesnt dwell on what happened, she has moved on, she will always think you are a cheating scumbag no matter what you ever say to her,

if you apologize to her she will probably laugh at you, and you will only embarrass yourself, save yourself the hassle and stay away from this reunion, you have everything to lose and nothing to gain by going,


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## Mr Mister (Oct 25, 2012)

There's bound to be another person suffering with a similar problem so here is my detailed resolution from this weekend...

Decided to talk to my wife about this on Friday. She was totally supportive and reminded me that she was really nervous about her 10th reunion. She also reminded me that we all dealt with this years ago and I had forgotten it was resolved. So I felt much better and together. Man she's great. I chose well. 

Later, I got out my plastic tub O' high school junk to prep for the reunion. Didn't realize it but I had kept numerous mini-journals, letters, timelines and files from those pre-email years. It was amazing to re-read that stuff with new perspective. I had basically documented my mental state from that time unknowingly.

It became very clear that I was incredibly depressed my first semester in college and that poor girl was the only thing I could really control. I was doing all sorts of things to mask my depression and try to find some happiness. It is a complete mystery to me why no one suggested therapy or especially medication. Guess I was only hurting myself so few noticed. I remember my parents were worried about medication 'changing' my brain so they resisted. Idiots. I was working so hard to figure out my illness but I was helpless to fix it. Years later, I crashed out and finally got some expert help. But these years were fuzzy for me and I never gave myself time to resolve it. I opted to plow ahead with my new life. 

This was a HUGE revaluation for me and I literally wept that night. Tried to explain this to my wife later but I don't think she totally understood the importance. I wasn't hung up on my ex. I just wasn't able process my erratic, narcissistic behavior from that time. I'm a good, caring person. How could THAT have been me? Well, now I know I was literally mentally ill all that time and was crying for help. I didn't crash out from one event. I'd always had depression trouble. 

Saturday I went to the reunion in good spirits excited to see old friends. My ex was not there. Frankly no one interesting was there. Only people still living locally and single professionals with no family or ties. It was a huge bust. Facebook has completely destroyed the high school reunion. Maybe the 30th will be better when all of our kids are older but I doubt it.

So that's it. I really appreciate the posters letting me talk this out. Some got a little mean but overall everyone was helpful in the end. Thanks for all your stories and advice.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I am glad that you figured out this was about you and not the ex. Don't beat yourself out about being narcissistic and eratic at the age of 18-25. The human brain is still developing impulse control. You came out a winner in the end, with a very understanding wife.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

reunions are stupid anyway, all they are for is people to gloat and brag and tell everybody how successful they are, and 90% of them are lying about it anyway


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