# Wife says she doesn't want to be with me anymore



## joe blogs (May 9, 2020)

I have been married for 9 months . Just before the start of the Corona Virus lockdown my mother in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer (2-4 months), my wife decided to then isolate with her family and leave me at home to be with her mum, she left very quickly without asking me how i felt about it but I didn't mind this as we only live down the road and i know she was upset and it was the right thing for her as her family are very close.

I visited her at home by standing in the garden 2m apart , I did this for a number of weeks but as the weeks went on she made no mention of missing home and treated me more like a visitor than a husband when I visited which i found very hard.

1 month after the lockdown i had a discussion with her regarding what is the plan longterm and whether she could spend a few evenings at home (i know this is against government guidelines but we live just down the road and i have been isolating for 1 month alone) She then told me she would not return home until her mother died which is an awful situation for the both of us and i feel so sad for her family as they are so close. Her family have never really cut the apron strings from her and this has been a bone of contention with us in the past (eg she goes home for all of Xmas) She prioritises her families help over mine as they think she is wonderful and do no wrong while i am more honest and say it how it is.

The second month of lockdown was harder we spoke everyday but I visited less frequently as the situation got to both of us and i couldn't understand why we couldn't compromise and she could spend at least one night a week at home.
She then said she did not want to come round anyway as we were not getting on.

2 months of being separated due to the lockdown she came round and told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I was shocked how she could say this. We are very early into our marriage and despite having arguments generally things were good.

I begged her to reconsider and said she wasn't thinking clearly she then told me the old ' i love you but im not in love with you anymore' line. She didn't ask for a divorce and when i asked her about it she said I don't know.
She then said she needed to go and a week has gone by and I have only contacted her once to say I was thinking of her and her mum at this hard time.

Apologise for the long essay but I am shocked, the last time we spent anytime together was just before lockdown when we went on a lovely romantic trip to Edinburgh ,2 months later . I am living alone in the house we own not knowing where to go from here.

Our marriage was not perfect but we were learning and were happy most of the time , we had never had a serious conversation previously regarding our marriage which i would have thought would have come first before pulling the plug.

I understand her head is all over the place and I feel so sad for her but i also have respect for myself and want to do the right thing.

Any advice?


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## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

Sorry to hear this. My impression is that this 'not wanting to be with you' is not just temporary, and is not just because of her mum. Even if her mum dies and she changes her mind and wants to come back to you who's to say it won't happen again when her dad gets ill. Or when there's some other trauma. I'm biased because my OH also prioritises her family and almost everything else above me, and has said she wants to leave, because we're not getting along. But she doesn't leave. And it's really stressful for me. I wish for you to avoid years and years of that. I'd say take her at her word, sadly, start to move on, but leave the door open to her growing up a bit more in the next couple of months? But as I say I'm not reliable advice.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Either your mother in law has been convincing your wife to leave you or there’s another guy involved.

Currently I’d be assuming the former, but given you’ve only been married 9 months, I’d show her the door.

Imagine this kind of waffling 9 years in. Or 18. Not worth it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'm sorry you are faced with this.
She has basically abandoned you and your marriage.
At this point, the only thing that you really can do is file for divorce.
The reaction that you get will let you know where you stand. 
Best of luck.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

She has always prioritized her family over you. And it sounds like you were fully aware of this from the get-go. She's not going to change, so you either have to learn to deal with it or let her go. After only nine months of marriage, it sounds like the honeymoon is over. I'd say it's time to cut your losses. Seriously.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Not worth fighting for. This will not get better. And you do not want to spend years in semi-commited marriage and hear the same thing at the end anyway. 

Believe her. Let her go.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Do the 180, no contact. Do your own thing. Act as if you couldn’t care less. Don’t ask about her or her family. Make plans without her. The more you chase after her the more she will a
withdraw. Set a deadline for when you’ll stop waiting for her and file.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Let her go.
Why? Because she’s already gone.
You'd be wasting your time chasing after someone who doesn’t care.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

As we hear constantly these days, these are unprecedented times and that is amplified by your MIL being terminally ill. I cannot imagine being stuck in this COVID-19 situation AND suddenly finding out that my mother not only has cancer but that it's terminal and she is going to die in the next 2-4 months. That is A LOT to put on a person! Personally, I don't think your marriage is necessarily doomed. 

So, your wife wanted to self-isolate with her mom - that is _totally _understandable. Her mother is dying and is already very short on time. Your wife doesn't want to lose even more time by losing her mom to COVID-19. That is totally reasonable. Was it reasonable for your wife to take off and not discuss it with you? No, it wasn't. It is _understandable _though. At that moment she wasn't thinking clearly, she _couldn't_. Her mother is dying and all of her focus goes to that.

Your wife made no mention of missing home, and I understand that is hard for you and hurts. You miss her like crazy and you want her to miss you as well. She's emotionally burnt out and focused on other things. IMO, that has nothing to do with you or your marriage.

Your wife not wanting to spend some nights at home, again I think that is understandable. _You _can think logically about it. You know that you have been isolating and being safe but your wife isn't thinking clearly and she is terrified about losing her mom. To your wife, it's probably not worth the risk. I know you miss your wife and want that time with her, that is reasonable and understandable and you are not wrong for feeling that way. This may be something that you just have to push through. 

So, she told you that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. It may seem like a done deal and that there is no coming back from that, but I'm not so sure. When all of her focus is on her mom it is understandable that she feels like anything else is just too much. She asked for time and hasn't said anything yet, again her mind is elsewhere. 

It's not ideal, at all. You guys should be handling things like this together and if you do stay together some work will need to be done there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@ joe blogs under UK lockdown regulations you are allowed to spend two days staying at the home of someone else for reasons of mental health, etc.

I would suggest counselling, also, perhaps your wife needs professional help regarding her mother.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

bobert said:


> As we hear constantly these days, these are unprecedented times and that is amplified by your MIL being terminally ill. I cannot imagine being stuck in this COVID-19 situation AND suddenly finding out that my mother not only has cancer but that it's terminal and she is going to die in the next 2-4 months. That is A LOT to put on a person! Personally, I don't think your marriage is necessarily doomed.
> 
> So, your wife wanted to self-isolate with her mom - that is _totally _understandable. Her mother is dying and is already very short on time. Your wife doesn't want to lose even more time by losing her mom to COVID-19. That is totally reasonable. Was it reasonable for your wife to take off and not discuss it with you? No, it wasn't. It is _understandable _though. At that moment she wasn't thinking clearly, she _couldn't_. Her mother is dying and all of her focus goes to that.
> 
> ...


I get the OP's wife wanting to spend every possible moment with her Mum, I was the same when my Dad was dying. What I don't get is why she either can't come home at night (except for at the end) or OP can't isolate at her parents house with her.

I spent a LOT of time at my parents house when Dad was dying, so did my brothers. The last two weeks of Dad's life I was there every day, only coming home at night, except for the nights I stayed there. My brothers and I took turns sleeping at Mum and Dads to help Mum and give her a break. The last week of Dads life, the three of us were there 24/7, we didn't go home at all. During this time I still spoke to my husband (then live in boyfriend) every day and missed him terribly.

I get loving your parents, but I don't get being an adult, married and putting anyone over and above your spouse.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

frusdil said:


> I get the OP's wife wanting to spend every possible moment with her Mum, I was the same when my Dad was dying. What I don't get is why she either can't come home at night (except for at the end) or OP can't isolate at her parents house with her.
> 
> I spent a LOT of time at my parents house when Dad was dying, so did my brothers. The last two weeks of Dad's life I was there every day, only coming home at night, except for the nights I stayed there. My brothers and I took turns sleeping at Mum and Dads to help Mum and give her a break. The last week of Dads life, the three of us were there 24/7, we didn't go home at all. During this time I still spoke to my husband (then live in boyfriend) every day and missed him terribly.
> 
> I get loving your parents, but I don't get being an adult, married and putting anyone over and above your spouse.


I see what you're saying. We have to remember though that everyone handles things differently. Just because you handled a similar situation one way doesn't mean everyone else on the planet will do the same. Your way of dealing with the situation sounds far healthier, but humans aren't known for always making the best decisions - especially in times like this. 

Personally, I have a bad habit of pushing my wife away when dealing with loss. Last year my mom was diagnosed with cancer and I didn't even tell my wife for like a month probably. My dad had a stroke, among other things, and I didn't tell my wife right away. When one of my grandpas died, I didn't even tell my wife he was dead for about a week. When the other grandpa died, she only knew because she was there doing the care. And it's not like she's an unsupportive person or something... she's one of the best people to have around when dealing with death since it was her job (nurse in LTC/EoLC). I'm not saying that I (or the OP's wife) handle it well, but everyone does handle things differently. 

As to why the wife can't sleep at home... probably because she doesn't want to take the risk of spreading something to her mother. Every extra person is an additional risk, even if small, and that risk may not seem worth her mother's life. Yes, he is isolating but if he's still going to the grocery store, etc. then that small risk may seem too high. Why he can't isolate with them, maybe the OP can touch on that. It's still possible that the wife just needs time and space to focus on her mother right now. I'm not saying it's right or ideal but it could be what is happening.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

frusdil said:


> I get the OP's wife wanting to spend every possible moment with her Mum, I was the same when my Dad was dying. What I don't get is why she either can't come home at night (except for at the end) or OP can't isolate at her parents house with her.
> 
> I spent a LOT of time at my parents house when Dad was dying, so did my brothers. The last two weeks of Dad's life I was there every day, only coming home at night, except for the nights I stayed there. My brothers and I took turns sleeping at Mum and Dads to help Mum and give her a break. The last week of Dads life, the three of us were there 24/7, we didn't go home at all. During this time I still spoke to my husband (then live in boyfriend) every day and missed him terribly.
> 
> I get loving your parents, but I don't get being an adult, married and putting anyone over and above your spouse.


This is really the missing piece in this.
It is certainly understandable that his wife would want to spend as much time as possible with her dying Mom.
It sounds like the OP was supportive and accommodating of this.
It is not like Mom lived hundreds of miles away. She lives *down the road* according to OP.
Is it unreasonable that a supportive spouse cannot be given some time as well? If something went sideways, daughter could be back at Mom's place in mere moments.
Instead, she says some things that are potentially marriage ending. So what gives? She sees Mom dying, and realizes that husband doesn't ring her bells, and decides this is a perfect time to buy out? She already had someone on the side, and decided to go for him as the replacement? She spent a goodly portion of her time with Mom, and Mom convinced her to buy out of the relationship? There are several other scenarios that are in play here, none of them good.
I've been there, having gone through this scenario. When it happened to me, I wanted, needed, craved the support of that one person in my life to give me the emotional strength to get through it. That is a common and natural reaction. When my Mom died, it was my girlfriend at the time, who later became my fiancee and my wife, that helped me through it. At times of stress, people show you their core, and she has shown hers. That's why I say that she has checked out, and OP really has no other choice then to void the marital contract. It is apparent that his wife has.
The only unanswered question is what led to it?


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## joe blogs (May 9, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> This is really the missing piece in this.
> It is certainly understandable that his wife would want to spend as much time as possible with her dying Mom.
> It sounds like the OP was supportive and accommodating of this.
> It is not like Mom lived hundreds of miles away. She lives *down the road* according to OP.
> ...


What led to this was a number of arguments over our marriage over a number of things nothing massive but it was more how we dealt with them . massive arguments without ever sitting down to discuss when things had calmed down to make things better.
Her main issue when she said she didn't want to be with me is that she thinks I would not look after her like her Dad looks after her mother if the same circumstances happened to her. I found that hurtful as she always gravitates back to her parents of times of stress as she feels I don't have much sympathy. She has never given me the opportunity . Her parents treat her like a little girl and can do no wrong and smother her while i am more pragmatic and realistic but I do care and she is not used to this.


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## joe blogs (May 9, 2020)

bobert said:


> I see what you're saying. We have to remember though that everyone handles things differently. Just because you handled a similar situation one way doesn't mean everyone else on the planet will do the same. Your way of dealing with the situation sounds far healthier, but humans aren't known for always making the best decisions - especially in times like this.
> 
> Personally, I have a bad habit of pushing my wife away when dealing with loss. Last year my mom was diagnosed with cancer and I didn't even tell my wife for like a month probably. My dad had a stroke, among other things, and I didn't tell my wife right away. When one of my grandpas died, I didn't even tell my wife he was dead for about a week. When the other grandpa died, she only knew because she was there doing the care. And it's not like she's an unsupportive person or something... she's one of the best people to have around when dealing with death since it was her job (nurse in LTC/EoLC). I'm not saying that I (or the OP's wife) handle it well, but everyone does handle things differently.
> 
> As to why the wife can't sleep at home... probably because she doesn't want to take the risk of spreading something to her mother. Every extra person is an additional risk, even if small, and that risk may not seem worth her mother's life. Yes, he is isolating but if he's still going to the grocery store, etc. then that small risk may seem too high. Why he can't isolate with them, maybe the OP can touch on that. It's still possible that the wife just needs time and space to focus on her mother right now. I'm not saying it's right or ideal but it could be what is happening.


I thought it was best for them to Isolate together as a family , so she could have that private time as a family. I just did not forsee her not wanting to come home until her mum died and the length of our time apart. I live 10 min walk down the road I thought her and her family would come together with a plan on how this would be managed so we could see each other and i thought she would want that. This could go on for months and months until her mum died and what an awful timescale to put in place before you come home to spend time your husband.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

joe blogs said:


> What led to this was a number of arguments over our marriage over a number of things nothing massive but it was more how we dealt with them . massive arguments without ever sitting down to discuss when things had calmed down to make things better.
> Her main issue when she said she didn't want to be with me is that she thinks I would not look after her like her Dad looks after her mother if the same circumstances happened to her. I found that hurtful as she always gravitates back to her parents of times of stress as she feels I don't have much sympathy. She has never given me the opportunity . Her parents treat her like a little girl and can do no wrong and smother her while i am more pragmatic and realistic but I do care and she is not used to this.


I agree with you, she is probably operating on assumption.
However, from what you have said, you have shown a great deal of sympathy.
You gave her the time and space to be with her Mom.
I didn't sound like you put any undue pressure on her.
You followed up with her in a manner commensurate with the expectations of a concerned spouse.
She is the one that pulled back.
Unfortunately, at times of stress, people count on the ones they love and while they not be fully attentive, they reciprocate their feelings verbally, through hugs, etc. Instead, she just dismisses you.
I obviously don't know her typical MO. If she normally does this when stressed, maybe things will be okay. Looking in from the outside, I doubt it.
That's why many of us are saying she's out. I'd plan for the worst. Like I said, do a 180 on her. Vet some attorneys (if possible) get your financials, etc sorted. Let her make any contact. Give her back what she gives you. When Mom passes, pay your condolences. If she does not acknowledge you, leave when done. Set a time limit, then file.
Even if things work out and you stay together, I would suggest you making staying in the relationship conditional on her doing some serious work on herself in IC.
All doesn't look well with this one.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I am with Tdbo on this. People do not say they want us of the marriage without putting a lot of time and thought into it. 
She is out, for whatever reason. You can let her go now, and start working on your life from beginning. Or you can try to drag it, prolong it, and end up in the same place, with more hurt few years down the road.
Maybe seeing death upclose made her realize that life is too short and precious to be in the relationship that's now working. It does not mean that you are bad guy. It simply means you are not that good together. You will probably see it too one day, once the hurt is over, and will breathe deeper.

It takes to tango. Your partner does not want to dance anymore.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You realize this won’t really end when her mum’s gone, right? Then her dad will be alone. This could be a long-term thing.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

joe blogs said:


> What led to this was a number of arguments over our marriage over a number of things nothing massive but it was more how we dealt with them . massive arguments without ever sitting down to discuss when things had calmed down to make things better.
> Her main issue when she said she didn't want to be with me is that she thinks I would not look after her like her Dad looks after her mother if the same circumstances happened to her. I found that hurtful as she always gravitates back to her parents of times of stress as she feels I don't have much sympathy. She has never given me the opportunity . Her parents treat her like a little girl and can do no wrong and smother her while i am more pragmatic and realistic but I do care and she is not used to this.


A few comments. During cancer your MIL is very vulnerable to catching Covid-19. You made the right decision to let her shelter in place with her mom. She is also making a potentially right decision in not having you drop by or not visiting you in person. Imagine how she would feel if the rest of her family ever felt that you had given your MIL the virus and she died of that. They might blame you for the death of your MIL, you wife might understand but her father might not. Give her & your MIL some space.

Now as to your marriage, you really need to work with your wife and she with you. Have you ever considered having phone sex or sexting with each other during this period of isolation? Do you frequently talk on the phone or is she just out of sight and out of mind. If you are not talking to each other a couple times a day, why not. You really should call her at times she can privately take your call. She should also be in contact with you about how her day is going, what is happening with her Mom, Dad, siblings. She should be telling you about her fears, and how much she misses you. Likewise you should be sharing with her your fears, and experiences.

Your wife needs your emotional support to help her through he mother's coming death. Likewise, there is an interesting problem that happens when a grown child moves in temporarily with her parents. The problem is that her parents expect her to behave like a child. This is the role/relationship everyone is most comfortable with. They all don't want to recognize that things have changed that she is the wife, love, companion of a grown man, who is her husband. I can't tell you the number of times, my wife refused to have sex with me or even kiss me after marriage, when we visited her parents.

If the two of you are not doing communicating daily, try to start doing it, even if it is a bit awkward. Also, if you two can't communicate, think about taking an online couples course or online marriage counseling session. Your wife could probably use some individual counseling about grieving and about working through her fears and emotional issues. You might even want to insist upon it. She is going through hell and needs your support. 

It sounds like the two of you really need to work on your marriage if it is to succeed. It also sounds like the two of your have both not put in the effort to keep your hearts & minds together during this difficult time when you W is worried about your MIL's coming death.

Good Luck.


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