# Gifts to make up for an affair!?!?



## hurt but not broken (Mar 9, 2013)

My Birthday was February 26th and my husband didn’t get me a gift. I got a crap card that just said Happy Birthday and he told me the day before when I went to the store I had to pick up a cake mix for my daughter to make. The day sucked he watched tv and played on his phone all day. I even had to cook dinner and we got in a fight I thought the least he could do is take me somewhere to eat so I didn’t have to cook and do the dishes. We had not been getting along and I didn’t get a Christmas present or a Valentines present either I really expected him to make it up to me on my Birthday. Well I found out why on March 7th I looked at our cell records and found that he had been texting another woman since October. Yep he had been having an affair. To make a long story short he broke it off with the OW and has been trying to make it up to me. I am hesitant and guarded and don’t trust him at all. But for the sake of trying to save a 12 year relationship (10 years married) and keep our family together (three kids). I am allowing him to try to make it up to me. Last night he came home with a necklace it is a silver key with a heart with diamonds at the top. He said that I hold the key to their hearts and that it was for my birthday. I don’t know why but I hate the stupid thing every time I look at it I want to cry and I remember that instead of buying me a bday present for my actual bday he was texting the OW. I know that he is trying but I feel that it is just too late and everything he does to try to make it up to me (the affair) is fake. I hate feeling like this. Part of me wants him to take the necklace back to the store because it is bringing me such bad emotions. But I don’t want him to feel that I don’t appreciate his effort or that nothing he does will help. I am afraid if I tell him how I feel about the necklace he will feel nothing he does will help and he will stop trying. But I also don’t want him to think that a necklace can make up for what he has done. Any advice. :scratchhead:


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Tell him how it makes you feel, maybe take that money and get a new hair cut, new clothes and make up, spa day, a get away weekend. There is no use in having a trigger every time you see it. It will only hurt you more. It can also affect your reconciliation if you have a constant reminder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tell him how it makes you feel. Then take him to the store return the necklace and BOTH of you choose something else, together
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

:iagree::iagree:


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Sorry that you are here Hurt. Everything you are feeling seems is pretty much the same thing everyone feels, so you are defiantly not alone. Just keep in mind that you now call the shots. If you don't like the necklace tell him to take it back. Just make sure you stay in control. He now owes you the sun over his head for you to decide to stay with him, especially how he treated you for the most 2 important holidays.

I understand you are trying to R but you are very early into this and he should still be getting the cold shoulder for sure. Its only been 14 days. I'm only 104 days into my D day and i still think about it everyday and still let my WS no that i am not over this it yet, but that im trying. I just don't let it control me as much anymore. Its starting to slowly subside. 

I am curious what if any type of punishment did he get. You probably didn't want to go much into it. I'm not sure how much you have held him accountable and that concerns me some. If it to easy for him, he might not think the punishment is that bad, and pick up were he left of once he thinks you are over it. I made that mistake the first 2 months after D day. I didn't hold my WS accountable and it showed. She never started back up the affair but she was not remorseful at all cause she didn't get the full shock an ahh that I should of given. Once i found this place and got the advice that i was given. It changed my wife around completely and now she is doing everything she can to make up for her mistake. 

I guess the biggest thing is if you feel what you feel don't fight it. Let it run its course. You have to let this all out and not let it store up or it will make forgiving him a lot harder and it will start to consume you, it was starting to for me. Like i said i'm still a rookie compared to everyone else. It is hard but i do see light at the end of the tunnel and a lot of it is gonna depend on how your WS helps you and how willing your are to be able to slowly forgive him, it is not gonna happen over night and he needs to be aware of that. I hope the best for you and there are a lot of good people on here who will give you great advice. They have helped me and many more just like us.


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## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

Is this the MO of most cheaters. I hadn't gotten a gift since Valentines of 2011. In the intervening time. No Birthday Gift or Xmas gift. Not even a f'ing card. During all this, I get "I didn't know what to get you. So I decided to save money and not get anything."(ps my wife is a physician and makes 5x what I do). I would go into hock to get her gifts all year. I would spend months researching to get her something she truly loved. I would buy her flowers and little "I love you" gifts for no reason throughout the year. In the end I would have been happy with even a hand made piece of paper with writing on it. Unbeknownst to me, she was having her multiple affairs and buying the newest OM a 450$ watch, or sport tickets, Attempting to pay for trips, or anything else that his little heart desired. That is why I am getting divorced. Well that and the multiple EA/PA's I discovered.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

RaisedGarden said:


> Is this the MO of most cheaters. I hadn't gotten a gift since Valentines of 2011. In the intervening time. No Birthday Gift or Xmas gift. Not even a f'ing card. During all this, I get "I didn't know what to get you. So I decided to save money and not get anything."(ps my wife is a physician and makes 5x what I do). I would go into hock to get her gifts all year. I would spend months researching to get her something she truly loved. I would buy her flowers and little "I love you" gifts for no reason throughout the year. In the end I would have been happy with even a hand made piece of paper with writing on it. Unbeknownst to me, she was having her multiple affairs and buying the newest OM a 450$ watch, or sport tickets, Attempting to pay for trips, or anything else that his little heart desired. That is why I am getting divorced. Well that and the multiple EA/PA's I discovered.


The gifts for the other men is a bad sign. 

I never bought gifts. To me, the relationships were just about sex, not love, and a gift would send the wrong signal. I did spend too much on dates and that was bad enough. 

On another note, marriages in which the woman earns more than the man, even just a little more, are difficult to maintain. 

Earning more and certainly 5 x more makes the woman feel like the bread winner.

Just like men who earn big bucks women who earn big bucks or even a little more than their spouse often feel the same sense of entitlement to cheat as a high wage earning male. 

Something to think about when picking a new wife.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

hurt but not broken said:


> My Birthday was February 26th and my husband didn’t get me a gift. I got a crap card that just said Happy Birthday and he told me the day before when I went to the store I had to pick up a cake mix for my daughter to make. The day sucked he watched tv and played on his phone all day. I even had to cook dinner and we got in a fight I thought the least he could do is take me somewhere to eat so I didn’t have to cook and do the dishes. We had not been getting along and I didn’t get a Christmas present or a Valentines present either I really expected him to make it up to me on my Birthday. Well I found out why on March 7th I looked at our cell records and found that he had been texting another woman since October. Yep he had been having an affair. To make a long story short he broke it off with the OW and has been trying to make it up to me. I am hesitant and guarded and don’t trust him at all. But for the sake of trying to save a 12 year relationship (10 years married) and keep our family together (three kids). I am allowing him to try to make it up to me. Last night he came home with a necklace it is a silver key with a heart with diamonds at the top. He said that I hold the key to their hearts and that it was for my birthday. I don’t know why but I hate the stupid thing every time I look at it I want to cry and I remember that instead of buying me a bday present for my actual bday he was texting the OW. I know that he is trying but I feel that it is just too late and everything he does to try to make it up to me (the affair) is fake. I hate feeling like this. Part of me wants him to take the necklace back to the store because it is bringing me such bad emotions. But I don’t want him to feel that I don’t appreciate his effort or that nothing he does will help. I am afraid if I tell him how I feel about the necklace he will feel nothing he does will help and he will stop trying. But I also don’t want him to think that a necklace can make up for what he has done. Any advice. :scratchhead:



Your feelings are normal. 

I think the suggestion to take back the necklace and spend the money on something to make yourself feel better such as a spa treatment, vacation, clothing or anything else you need to boost your self esteem.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

It might help to explain to him what "triggers" are. Have you printed out "Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse" from this site? If not, you can find it here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

I had my husband read it. In fact, I sat there while he read it! 

After your husband reads it, THEN you can let him know that the necklace is a trigger for you, how hurtful it is to think about your birthday and what he was actually doing on that day, and how this necklace, as a late birthday present, is a painful reminder of that day. Then you can decide if you want him to return it himself, or if you want to go with him and pick out jewelry of your own choosing, or if you'd prefer to use the money for a non-jewelry present. I understand that you don't want to "slap him down" when he's made some kind of effort.

I'm less than 2 months into this myself, so I can relate to the intense feelings that you're going through. It's really rough right now, and I'm so sorry you've had to join this club.


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## hurt but not broken (Mar 9, 2013)

Hmm what kind of punishment did he get? Well I don’t really know I don’t know how to punish him. I tried to give him the cold shoulder but that hurts me and our kids too and I don’t want to do that. I guess you could say I have “grounded” him I know that sounds stupid and I am embarrassed as I type it. But no TV, no phone (when home he has to have it for work), and no computer. Just good old fashion family time. For me that is not a punishment it is what he should have been doing all along. But for him I think it is because he has been addicted to all of the electronics for so long. He now has had time to play with the kids, and take care of the huge honey do list that he has been ignoring. I know this is not really a “punishment” but I really don’t know how to punish him without hurting myself in the process.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

hurt but not broken said:


> Hmm what kind of punishment did he get? Well I don’t really know I don’t know how to punish him. I tried to give him the cold shoulder but that hurts me and our kids too and I don’t want to do that. I guess you could say I have “grounded” him I know that sounds stupid and I am embarrassed as I type it. But no TV, no phone (when home he has to have it for work), and no computer. Just good old fashion family time. For me that is not a punishment it is what he should have been doing all along. But for him I think it is because he has been addicted to all of the electronics for so long. He now has had time to play with the kids, and take care of the huge honey do list that he has been ignoring. I know this is not really a “punishment” but I really don’t know how to punish him without hurting myself in the process.


You are setting firm boundaries. That is a good thing. 

As for punishment. I have been punished by facing who I was while I was cheating. 

I am not sure punishment works. It's negative reinforcement. 

That type of behavior modification doesn't work on dogs and most say it doesn't work on people. 

IMO, acknowledge when he does something pleasing to you. 

If he strays again, and he should not, probably giving him the heave ho will be his wake up call and apt punishment.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

The WS will never truly understand "Triggers" because they don't experience them or lack the empathy, which is proven by their ability to cheat on their committed spouse.

Unfortunately, these dates will remind you for some time of his unfaithfulness.

Have him read "What is the cost of Forgiveness" He may then understand what you have to do to forgive him.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

rrrbbbttt said:


> The WS will never truly understand "Triggers" because they don't experience them or lack the empathy, which is proven by their ability to cheat on their committed spouse.
> 
> Unfortunately, these dates will remind you for some time of his unfaithfulness.
> 
> Have him read "What is the cost of Forgiveness" He may then understand what you have to do to forgive him.


They will understand triggers if you explain it to them. A truly remorseful spouse will want to k ow when you are hurting and will want to help you through the triggers.
Sit down and explain to him how you are feeling and what the necklace represents, if he gets defensive and angry then he needs to hear a few home truths about how his affair has made you feel.
If you are truly trying to reconcile then You shouldn't be hiding your feelings from him and he should be open to honest and frank conversations about the A and your marriage.

It's early days yet though and your emotions are all over the place. 
Are you sure the affair is over?
Trust but verify everything and remember actions speak louder than words! 
He needs to be doing everything he can to fix this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurt but not broken (Mar 9, 2013)

I told my H how I felt about the necklace and he said he understood and that he would take it back. He said he was sorry that it made me feel bad and that that was not what he wanted. 
But I did what I seem to always do lately and I took this heart to heart and used it as an opportunity to tell him once again everything he has ever done wrong. I don’t know why I do this. I think it is easier for me to be mad at him for not fixing the fence and the dog got out than it is for me to be mad at him because of the A. 
Do I know the affair is over? Good question I think it is. But then again it went on for 6 months and I didn’t have a clue so I don’t really trust my intuition. I have been checking our phone records so I know who he is talking to everyday. He gave me his cash and uses the CC so I know when he spends money and where. (I was worried he could buy a disposable cell). And I have been using the find my phone app to prove he is where he says he is. He also called her in front of me and told her he made a mistake, and that he loved me and that he wanted to make our marriage work and he never wanted to talk to her again. She lives about 4 hrs from here and they have not seen each other since December they have be in contact through the phone. So I do believe it is over but I think I will be hyper vigilant for quite awhile. Part of me says I am being crazy and that he seems to be truly remorseful. But another part of me says that he lied to me for 6 months so why would he stop now. I asked him that and he said that when I found out he realized what he had to loose and he didn’t want to lose me. And he was willing to do whatever it takes to earn my trust back.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

hurt but not broken said:


> My Birthday was February 26th and my husband didn’t get me a gift. I got a crap card that just said Happy Birthday and he told me the day before when I went to the store I had to pick up a cake mix for my daughter to make. The day sucked he watched tv and played on his phone all day. I even had to cook dinner and we got in a fight I thought the least he could do is take me somewhere to eat so I didn’t have to cook and do the dishes. We had not been getting along and I didn’t get a Christmas present or a Valentines present either I really expected him to make it up to me on my Birthday. Well I found out why on March 7th I looked at our cell records and found that he had been texting another woman since October. Yep he had been having an affair. To make a long story short he broke it off with the OW and has been trying to make it up to me. I am hesitant and guarded and don’t trust him at all. But for the sake of trying to save a 12 year relationship (10 years married) and keep our family together (three kids). I am allowing him to try to make it up to me. *Last night he came home with a necklace it is a silver key with a heart with diamonds at the top. He said that I hold the key to their hearts and that it was for my birthday.* I don’t know why but I hate the stupid thing every time I look at it I want to cry and I remember that instead of buying me a bday present for my actual bday he was texting the OW. I know that he is trying but I feel that it is just too late and everything he does to try to make it up to me (the affair) is fake. I hate feeling like this. Part of me wants him to take the necklace back to the store because it is bringing me such bad emotions. But I don’t want him to feel that I don’t appreciate his effort or that nothing he does will help. I am afraid if I tell him how I feel about the necklace he will feel nothing he does will help and he will stop trying. But I also don’t want him to think that a necklace can make up for what he has done. Any advice. :scratchhead:


That is cute but man I can just see the horrible jewelry commercial that goes with this. 
And gifts are great just make sure that he isn't holding jewels in one hand and is hiding the cell phone behind his back in the other.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You're not crazy. The hyper vigilance is natural and lasts quite a long time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurt but not broken (Mar 9, 2013)

I told my H I didn’t want the necklace and I decided to go to the spa. It felt amazing and now my skin is so soft. My body feels great I had a massage, facial, and pedicure. But I don’t really feel better I am sad I still feel like I am faking a smile so no one asks me what is wrong I am afraid that if someone asks the dam will break and I will drowned. I listened to the radio in the car on my way there and the way home and I swear every song has a new meaning to me now. They all seem to be sad and depressing where before I loved them. I know that my husband is really trying to R and when he is with me I am ok but when he is at work the lonely takes over and I feel awful. And I wonder if it will ever get better. If it don’t then I don’t think I can handle it. I feel like I am in limbo I can’t tell him I won’t leave and I can’t tell him I want to stay because I really don’t know. One minute I love him and I can’t imagine my life without him. Then the next I want to pack my bags and never look back. Is this normal?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Hurt but not broken:

Not every person who cheats is lying when they say they ended the affair because they now realize what they have to lose. 

If they don't end it immediately it is not a good sign. 

I meant it when I said I stopped the affair. It was over. I never saw or spoke to the woman again. 

There are lots of horror stories, but not every person will be a sociopath who can continually hurt the spouse they love.


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## hurt but not broken (Mar 9, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> Hurt but not broken:
> 
> Not every person who cheats is lying when they say they ended the affair because they now realize what they have to lose.
> 
> ...


Thank you Remorseful strayer
It is really good to hear that some cheaters realize what they have to loose and never do it again. That really does give me hope. 
But my problem is not that he will do it again but rather he did it in the first place. 6 months ago he decided that she was worth loosing me for. He knew he was hurting me and yet he didn’t stop he kept calling her and texting her more than he ever has me. And he neglected our children our home and me in the process. 
I never thought he would ever do anything like this to me I trusted him so I gave him full freedom I never checked his phone, I didn’t call to check on him or nag him about where he had been, I didn’t read his emails or check is Facebook. Maybe if I had I wouldn’t be here now. And to prevent it from ever happening to me again I will be hyper vigilant. I would much rather get a D now then go through this again.


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