# Analyze, poke holes, and find bugs



## Hfw1111 (Jul 25, 2017)

Journal - How we got here

Came across this place this morning during my morning coffee after a difficult night.

Background:
- Me: 38, employed, no drugs/drink, religious, raised in a matriarchal home with weak dad and emotionally manipulative mom and grandmother. Kind of emotional slavery. Always trying to read between the lines, always analyzing to find what people are REALLY saying, imaginative, physically un-fit, completely uninterested in sex.
- Her: "29"(actually 40+), employed full-time as well, no drugs/drink, religious, strong dad who she idolizes, parents divorced, previously divorced before me, plain spoken and not afraid of confrontation

Married 9 yr., no kids

Met on a dating site, and after a whirlwind courtship, married 8 months later.

Sex:
During our courtship, I was very affectionate, always wanted to fool around, and we saw each other every day. We got married, and it just left. Literally on our wedding day, I wanted to go sit down and eat dinner before we sealed the deal. Early on, we were intimate infrequently, maybe once a month, and she would initiate. After a few years, it became a sexless marriage, because she refused to initiate. I didn't want to initiate. I don't know why. Infrequent masturbation and interaction with porn became non-existent as well. I don't notice women anymore, and rarely have a sexual thought. 

Things I've done to tear her up and undermine our marriage:
- Lying: I have been a liar since she knew me. I was ashamed of myself, and lied to everyone all the time. That was the way she found me. I have lied to her about money, and lots of small, stupid things over the years. She does not trust me, though she has forgiven me and stayed with me.
- Emotional Abuse: Though I have NOT crossed the line physically(I've gotten in her face yelling, but never hit.), I will own that the continued cycles of screwing up on things that hurt her that she has communicated about, and that I forget about sometimes have amounted to her feeling that I have been emotionally abusive. 
- Inappropriate discussions with friends and family: Yeah, I've talked to my mom, and other "mom" figures in my life about her and what we've been going through. She feels these were emotional affairs, though there was not a sexual dynamic involved. I was wanting to run to a mom. She has no contact with my family and does not want it due to them advising me to leave early in the marriage. 
- Trying to just keep things status quo: I felt like things would heal if I could just preserve the absence of conflict. And I would lie, hide, and do whatever manipulative tactic necessary to make sure there were no fights and she didn't get upset about anything. That has been my default for years now.

Three incidents have happened in the last 3 weeks.
- One morning after a blow-up, she was going to get in the car to go to work, and we were still having words. Not wanting to be dismissed, I charged up to the car door, and grabbed it to try and make her stop and listen to me. I was not going to lay a hand on her, but she felt I was coming at her to get physical. I'm a gigantic dude, and she is short. She later had a panic attack about it. I stayed home from work that day basically feeling like I had truly lost it. I don't care what has happened, I would NEVER get physical with a woman, least of all my wife. But regardless of intent, I felt like a danger to her. I packed all of my stuff in the car, waited for her to come home, and had decided to separate from her. I fully intended to keep the finances joint, go to my parents' house, and continue business as usual, hoping to reconcile after a time. She always has dreams I'm leaving and I didn't know this, but this is what her ex did too, which had I known that, I would never have done this. We talked, and I walked away from the cliff. Moved everything back in that night and made a vow that from there on, I was going to be different.

(I should say here that the lying ended a long time ago, as did looking for a mom. The emotional abuse of screwing up on things we've discussed repeatedly, and status quo have continued.)

- Second incident happened a few days ago. We were talking about what to watch on TV and she had mentioned a movie she wanted to watch. We were going to watch it, and as I often do, I counter-proposed. She was fed up with that and vowed never to watch that movie or express an opinion about what we watch again to protect herself.
- Third one was last night. We've watched a particular TV show since the start of our relationship. It is one of our traditions. Last night, I talked over the show instead of pausing the show to talk. We've talked a million times over the years about it, and I keep screwing up in that way. She vowed never to watch that show again period. I wept at the thought that one of the stable traditions in our relationship was now over because of me.

Neither of us believe in divorce, neither of us would ever consider infidelity, and I am no longer convinced separation is a good idea. I want to make this work. I'm worried my actions three weeks ago with packing up the car have basically set in motion her ultimately leaving me. I don't want that to happen. I'm fully willing to not sugar coat the fact I haven't been an easy husband to live with. My focus has not been on my relationship, but rather on ambition, trying to achieve success, and trying to find passion in life outside of relationships. I got bullied as a kid, and have trouble trusting anyone. My goal is to always stack the deck in my favor and ensure nobody ever gets over on me. I have quite an ego and readily admit it. But I also have this weak, pathetic Beta inside that hinders everything. In my heart, I want to be Alpha, full of integrity, loving, respected. I think rebuilding my marriage will be a good start.

Please pick this apart, ask questions, and offer advice. I've been a bastard but I don't think it's too late. Tell me if I'm fooling myself, though.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what is causing this anger and hostility issues in you? where does that come from? and why does things have to be a negotiation why can you learn to go with the flow? no offense but i wouldn't want to have sex with you either...your just being a jerk.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP, why are you behaving the way you are? Its sounds like you do not treat her well. If you didn't love her, why did you get married?


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Hfw1111 said:


> Journal - How we got here
> 
> 
> - Trying to just keep things status quo: I felt like things would heal if I could just preserve the absence of conflict. And I would lie, hide, and do whatever manipulative tactic necessary to make sure there were no fights and she didn't get upset about anything. That has been my default for years now.
> .



Sounds to me like you are afraid of her anger (for whatever reason) and are compensating with a lot of passive aggressive behavior.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Coming from a woman who's ex scared me physically to the point of panic attacks, you don't forget it. Didn't have to hit. Charging at me, verbal abuse and grabbing things rough..... You don't ever feel 100% safe in your own home or with your husband ever again. No matter how nice he's being then, you have that fear. 
You needed to be the person your wife feels safe with. 

Nothing could fix it for me. Maybe if you put yourself into counselling but from my experience it is a violation similar to cheating that you just never heal from 100%


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

How has she expressed she is unhappy in your marriage? I'm surprised she hasn't served you yet.


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## Hfw1111 (Jul 25, 2017)

Thank you for the replies and for holding up the mirror and helping me to see things I either didn't completely see, or didn't want to see. Have already taken some steps to get into counseling and deal with it. Thank you all.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you learn to be the type of man you really want to be you'll have a lot less anger issues because you'll be happier, and your wife will be happier because you'll be actually showing her that you are making changes and improving. If you lose weight and get into shape your testosterone levels will increase and you'll want sex more. As part of your counseling make sure you learn how to take action and become a person that you'd be proud of. It will go a long way to solving your problems.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Having sex before you are married to draw her in and then stopping it on your wedding day is a bait and switch. Any person would feel lied to by that.

Then you only had sex when she initiated, and eventually she stopped initiating. Any woman or man would not want to be the only initiator. She gave up her sexuality for your lack of it.

Your suggesting a different movie right when you are about to start one she suggested, since you always do that, is passive aggressive.

Her saying that she will never again watch the show you've been watching together for years since you talked during the show instead of pausing it indicates she is fed up with your antics.

It sounds like she has reached her limit. You yelled at her, rushed at her, packed to leave, etc. and then just brushed it under the rug, hoping things will settle down and the two of you will have peace.

IMO, your marriage has been damaged, starting on your wedding day when you chose to eat rather than be with your wife. The two of you need to go to marriage counseling to take all those incidents from under the rug and deal with them.

9 years is a long time to be in a sexless, lonely marriage to a man who lies, gossips, bonds with his mother instead of with the wife, yells and threatens. Your wife may already have checked out.

Ask her to go to marriage counseling with you, and set up the appointment this week.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What actions do you actually take that leads to your wife feeling loved by you?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Hfw1111 said:


> Neither of us believe in divorce, neither of us would ever consider infidelity, and I am no longer convinced separation is a good idea.


I'm going to limit my comments to these three areas for now.
You don't believe in divorce. You also don't believe in Marriage. 
You won't consider infidelity. I suppose you mean Sexual infidelity, as you have already taken marital issues to outsiders with out consultation. You also don't consider withholding of affection (physical) to be an infidelity, most people would disagree.
You are now convinced that separation is a bad idea. In general the best reason for separation is physical abuse. I believe that separation for safety is warranted here.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

Hfw1111 said:


> Journal - How we got here
> 
> Came across this place this morning during my morning coffee after a difficult night.
> 
> ...


Is this a joke? Really? I've got to be honest, if I was the wife, I would pack my sh!t and leave. No way I'm living with this. You sound like a momma's boy. "I want to be Alpha"?? JFC, that's got to be the most pathetic thing I have ever heard. Just be one, don't wish. Show some respect to your wife. Everything should fall into place if you do it right. Provided she hasn't fallen out of love with you already.

Get your ass off the couch and get in shape. She will have more respect for you if you set a goal and work hard at it. Do stuff together. Guarantee if you ain't sexin up your wife, somebody else will be soon, if they already haven't. 

What does being bullied when you were a kid have to do with anything? Are you trying to say that you're scared? Eeesh...

Here's an idea. Instead of sitting down and watching tv together, why not take her out? Go to a bar to watch a game. Go to a networking event and meet other people. Go to fvcking Wal-Mart and laugh at all the poor people there. Do something interesting...with her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OP, you need counselling to deal with your behaviour which is very unusual 

1. no sex
2. passive aggressiveness
3. treating your wife like the enemy
4. looking for a Mom figure
5

Surprised wife is still around, to be honest. Do something and become a better man before she leaves you


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*She needs to be told that marriage counseling is her only redemption! Failure for her to fully embrace that idea should lead you to start thinking about immediately filing for D!

Let's just say that a cur dog deserves far better treatment than that!*


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *She needs to be told that marriage counseling is her only redemption! Failure to fully embrace that idea should lead you to start thinking about filing for D!
> 
> A cur dog deserves to be treated better than that!*


Her only redemption? How does she need redemption?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> How has she expressed she is unhappy in your marriage? I'm surprised she hasn't served you yet.


I know I would have.

Actually, I can top that. I wouldn't have married someone like this in the first place. I'm sure she regrets it every day.

OP, you're a hot mess. Better clean your front porch and quick, because I see a process server with a package just for YOU in your near future.


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## spawn2031 (Jul 19, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *She needs to be told that marriage counseling is her only redemption! Failure for her to fully embrace that idea should lead you to start thinking about immediately filing for D!
> 
> Let's just say that a cur dog deserves far better treatment than that!*


I'm really hoping that was just a poor choice of words there. There's no way you can be pointing the finger at the wife here....

OP.... wow. Ok first off, due to all the lying, deceiving and WISHING to be an Alpha it's pretty obvious that you are and probably have always been dissatisfied with yourself. Always wishing to be someone else and never being able to accept who YOU are breeds a very hateful person full of anger because you are always comparing ... you are always doing what your title says but to yourself. Under these conditions you will never feel of any worth to yourself and you will take the anger that generates out on you and everyone else around you. You will never fix any of these issues until you fix yourself first. That will only happen with counselling as your issues appear to be deep seated.

Your wife, on the other hand should be given a medal for staying with you. It's to her credit that you are even still married to drop a post like this. I guarantee that she is miserable and more than likely scared of you now. If you love her at all, you will immediately get into counselling and tackle your problems.

I am curious though, you said that you confided in your family about the problems you 2 were having. Why did they advise you to leave early on? I didn't see anything in your post that would make me think that you should be the one being advised to leave.


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