# In Denial



## B1a2s3i4l5 (Oct 2, 2011)

Hi there, I will try and make this as quick as possible. I have got 17 year old twins, a girl and a boy. Ever since they were toddlers, hubby has been emotionally absent. He has never given the kids his time, avoids them as much as he reasonably can and has never had a long and indepth conversation with them - ever. In short he has behaved like a very reluctant step dad. He simply cannot tolerate the idea of any involvement with them.

His mum is the same. So has he been following her example all these years? I have told him he is doing just the same as his mum but he wont have it. Possibly because she did the same to him too and he doesnt want to face up to it, or, if he is carrying on the same way as his mum, he wont see it anyway.That is a very shortened version of things.

Then, hubbys mum, Nanny, came back from 2 weeks holiday at the weekend so me, hubby and son all went to see her. Daughter wouldnt go. Hubby was mad. I said that he couldnt expect our girl to be eager to go to Nannys when she never has anything to say to them and never gives them her time. Hubby then said that the kids are always on their computers anyway when Nanny comes to the house - once a week for 3/4hr on a Friday night usually. He was trying to make out that it was the kids fault that Nanny never bothers with them!! I was furious because not only is that entirley ridiculous but its like he was sticking up for his mum when she is the one in the wrong! And he is too come to that.

Now it is 100% crystal clear that neither my husband or his mum have any concrete interest in the kids. Then he twists the facts round about the kids being on their computers etc. Fact is Nanny and hubby could both tell the kids to leave their computers alone and come and have a chat and a laugh but they never have done. Hubby has even insulted our daughter when she wouldnt hurry up and come down stairs to see Nanny leave one Friday night. He called her an ungrateful *****! Daughter had done nothing wrong!

I want hubbys support and to know he is backing me up where this is concerned. So how do I get him out of denial and into reality and how do I get him to acknowledge and admit that he is in the wrong and his mum is too.

Having said all of this, I hold my hand up and admit that I am not the perfect mum, not by a long chalk. But at least I have seen the error of my ways and fixed myself to benefit the whole family. Hubby didnt back me up with that either.

Please help.
BC


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

I''m not a mother and may be i have nothing to say to you, just wanted to say how sorry i am you''re in this situation.
Hope someone could give you some advide. In my opinion ,as a daughter, the kid shouldn''t be judged for who she is ,because she learns how to behave from his closest relatives.


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## B1a2s3i4l5 (Oct 2, 2011)

Charlene its not an easy position to be in as you can see. Daughter wouldn't come downstairs to see Nannie off and she wouldn't come to Nannies house last weekend either as she knows Nannie won't have anything to say to her and that she isn't interested. I don't blame my girl at all to be honest. It just gets me down that hubby is so blind to something that is so clear to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## specwar (Apr 14, 2011)

Whether or not the grandma or father support does not always make the decision. The respectful thing to do is to see off the grandma when she is leaving. 

You are absolutely right that if they don't show interest none will be returned but at every opportunity it is important to not allow that thread to continue by building a strong family that stands and stays together. Support

Teach respect for your elders even when it is uncomfortable as long as they deserve it (they are otherwise decent people). The spouses anger is most likely anger at the outcome of their actions. It is important to help them recognize where their shortcomings are but not in a see I told you so way. 

Use yourself as the example. Don't make it about the kids or gramdma. Start the sentences with (if I didn't come to any) bla bla bla(What would you think of me). 

And as always communication communication communication. This is one of those things that should not go unsaid for years. It should be worked through by the husband and wife talking about it without attacking each other. If you address early on the resentment will not build because both of the spouses feelings are known and it gives you an opportunity to come up with solutions to mitigate the damage a given situation might cause.

Try to remember that many times anger may be directed at you but it is actually cause by them being angry at themselves. In those times be calm and try not to take things too personally. Help them understand what the genesis of their anger is.


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## B1a2s3i4l5 (Oct 2, 2011)

Hi Specwar, Thanks for your reply to my message. Yes I agree. The respectful thing to do is to see Grandma off when she leaves. My daughter actually didnt come down stairs that time because she had headphones on and didnt hear her dad calling her downstairs! The he called her an ungrateful ***** and thats when I was annoyed because nanny has no interest in her or her brother anyway. And hubby cant see it.

Yes I am right I know, in that respect anyway. If people dont show interest in the kids, well then the kids wont show interest in them either. Thing is, I cannot force nanny (Grandma) or dad to be interested in the kids, no matter what I do and indeed hubby as admitted that he wont ever change re the kids and has admitted he is not interested in me, in any deep fashion anyway!!

Regardless of Grandma not being interested in the kids and only seeing them for 2 minutes when she first arrives at our house, and 2 minutes when she leaves, I am always respectful towards her and hubby. Its not in me to be any other way. I have tried and tried to get hubby to see where his short comings are but he wont have it. I try not to be confrontational or say I told you so. But he is blind to the whole idea of being a dad and what it entails. He has let me down, and the kids, in spectacular fashion.

Yes I am only too aware that communication is of major importance in a marriage. It is also the most difficult thing. I have been married for nearly 20 years now and I cannot get anywhere with my husband when it comes to communication. This particular problem was brought to light years ago but its useless, absolutely useless. Part of the problem is for me, that whilst Grandma isnt interested in the kids, she will be OTT interested if they are ill or have to go into hospital! And this really gets me down. I want to scream "Why cant you be like this (Not to the point of OTT though) interested all the time? I think the answer is that she is probably more interested in the actual illness than the kids. She is a person who talks a lot about illness and so and so has had a fall or a heart attack etc. Its her pet subject!! But Im afraid the resentment has already built up so perhaps its too late.

Re anger being directed at me, not in a million years from hubby. He is scared of his own anger I think and will do anything to avoid it. I think I could describe him as a passive aggressive.

My dad was angry at me at every possible moment. I would describe him as emotionally abusive.He would reject me often and call me names, turn his back on me in a rage when I needed him most. He was intimidating, critical and explosive, no respect, nothing. I wonder if all his anger and abuse was actually because he was angry at himself? He died last year on Fathers Day. Dads behavior has caused problems for me in my marriage too.

Thanks again.


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