# We are growing apart. HELP!



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

Hello everyone!

I’m a little worried about my marriage and would like to hear opinions / suggestions on how to keep handling this.

I’ve been with my husband for 5 years and 3 of them we have been married. He’s a great person and I love him dearly. We share the same values and because of that we haven’t had major issues but it feels like the little stupid things we keep fighting about are slowly having a big impact in the way we interact and show affection.

Ever since we got married I’ve complained about the way my husband prioritizes his time. We were forced to have an international distance relationship for a year and once I came back everything was just different. My husband had a new job, new friends and pretty much a routine that offered me very limited time with him. 

These are some of the things I have complained about: 

-It took me a whole year to meet my husband’s group of friends. He would always inform me that they were hanging out and at first I was fine with it but then it just turned awkward. They were all either married or engaged but would never plan something where Their partners were also included and therefore in my husband’s words “it would’ve been weird to invite me” which I understand, I also don’t wanna be the only girl with a bunch of dudes but again. Why couldn’t they just plan something out with the girls every once in a while?

-Besides his private events with friends my husband is not interested / doesn’t have the time or energy to do anything fun. I’m always the one who has to ask for a date night and to come up with ideas of things that we can do together to bond as a couple. Those ideas are subject to his approval and if he does approve 70% of the time you can tell he’s just doing it to make me happy.

At home, he spends many many hours playing video games. He can sit in front of the computer and play games for 5 hours straight very easily. I don’t have a problem with him having a hobby, it’s just his time management that makes me really sad.

Whenever I complain about not spending time together and how we don’t share common interests anymore his excuse is always work. He says he works a lot and should be allowed to release his stress by playing video games and that if I ever need a date night I just need to ask. I’m honestly done begging for his attention.

The last thing that happened and made build a lot of resentment towards him was my birthday. I told him I wasn’t expecting anything material but I was shocked to see he didn’t was present for me on that day. It’s easy for him to take time off at work since his schedule is very flexible. He’s done it many times when he goes out with friends or just because he doesn’t feel like going to work. Why couldn’t he do it on my birthday? I’d like to add that he’s my only family in this country and I literally spent the whole day by myself. I went to have lunch by myself and came home to be with my cat.

after that I was ready to leave the relationship since I honestly realized I was the last person in his list of priorities. However, we had just bought a house and we were about to move in. I decided to come to the new house since he said it we would be in a better place since we wouldn’t be in the city and he likes this environment way more.

I chose to believe him, but I can clearly see how my feelings towards him are slowly dying and I have zero patience for him. Our last fight was this week over video-games again. I’m exhausted of having to treat my husband like a 12 year old. He says, it’s very simple, all you have to do is give me a reminder, all you have to do is tell me that you want me to come to bed. Well, no! I don’t have to do a sh* if I have to send you to bed like a child then don’t expect me to treat you like a grown man in bed.

I know I’m not perfect but I try to be the best wife I can be. I work full time and still manage to keep my house running. I’m very clean, I do my best to be a nice person to everyone. I don’t even speak English as my first language and I’m always looking to improve since I know how important communication is in marriage and I don’t want the language to be an obstacle for us. But honestly, at this point I don’t even care about it anymore. I won’t keep forcing things to happen.

As I said, I know my husband is not a bad person. He’s not a cheater, I know he loves me but I also don’t think I should be thankful for just getting the most basic things out of marriage. I still think emotional intimacy is very important and it’s something that’s lacking here. I don’t enjoy his company as I used to and I’ve built a lot of resentment.

I know many of you will suggest therapy but unfortunately I already tried that and he won’t go. He says if we can’t communicate without a third party involved then he’ll know we’re done.

Thanks for reading my long post and I appreciate your thoughts regarding this very sad situation.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your story sounds familiar. Did you post it a year or two ago? If so, my suggestion was that you take the cat and move back to your home country. Doesn’t sound like anything has changed (if that was you).


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Your story sounds familiar. Did you post it a year or two ago? If so, my suggestion was that you take the cat and move back to your home country. Doesn’t sound like anything has changed (if that was you).


No, I found this forum two days ago. Thanks for your response!


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

There is silver lining to all of this: you won't have to have any kids, since you already have a big one...


----------



## coquille (May 8, 2018)

You and your husband are incompatible. Also, marriage is not one way; both partners need to put the effort to make it work. You are doing a lot to make your marriage work, but he doesn't. Sounds like he doesn't want to change his ways, and he doesn't want to meet you halfway. He won't change. Better leave now that you don't have children together. Nothing to save here. Good luck!


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Danhuqui07 said:


> We were forced to have an international distance relationship for a year and once I came back everything was just different. My husband had a new job, new friends and pretty much a routine that offered me very limited time with him.
> 
> * * *
> The last thing that happened and made build a lot of resentment towards him was my birthday. I told him I wasn’t expecting anything material but I was shocked to see he didn’t was present for me on that day.
> ...


I cherry picked parts of your post for a reason. 

1st: why were you "forced" to have an international long distance relationship for a a year? When was that? Where did you go? I assume you were the one who went somewhere because you said "when I came back". 

Basically you left your husband for a year & he built a bachelor life. Now you are back & you want him to make you the center of his world even though you had other priorities for a year. 

You told him that you weren't expecting anything for your birthday & he took you at your word. Now you are mad. That is not fair. I like it when people make a fuss about my birthday. Last year at the very beginning of Covid my husband did nothing. . .not even a hand made card. I was disappointed. This year I told him well in advance that "nothing" wasn't going to cut it &I expected him to make a fuss. He did. Had I not spoken up I would have had a crappy birthday again. So learn to use your words. 

Similarly your husband is willing to do what you ask including stopping his video games & coming to bed. You resent having to ask & equate that to treating him like a child then you withhold sex. Good gracious. Just stop. Again if you want something ask. Apparently when you ask he says yes. So get over your resentment. 

If you start telling the truth & speak up your marriage would be much better. Instead you pout. 

Meanwhile you probably need to find some friends or other things that make you feel like you have a more fulfilled life. You sound isolated by language & having no other family in the country where you live. You need to build a support system.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

coquille said:


> You and your husband are incompatible. Also, marriage is not one way; both partners need to put the effort to make it work. You are doing a lot to make your marriage work, but he doesn't. Sounds like he doesn't want to change his ways, and he doesn't want to meet you halfway. He won't change. Better leave now that you don't have children together. Nothing to save here. Good luck!


thank you for your honesty. What you just said is something that I have been thinking about for a long time. If you talked to him though he would tell you something different. He would say I’m never happy no matter what he does (because he wants me to measure his love for me based on how much money he can make) he’ll say that I’m not understanding and that he’s nothing but a nice guy because he hasn’t and would never cheat on me. It’s just so hard to let go when you had a life plan with somebody. I guess that’s why I’m slowly distancing myself so that the transition is not so painful. Thanks a lot!


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In the title you say you are growing apart but I am not seeing that you were ever really together. 

You sound like two single people each doing your own thing that happen to have a marriage certificate and have the same mailing address. 

This is not a trick question but do you two actually want to be together as a couple??

There's no shame and no foul if the answer is no. But it is something that both of you really need to ask yourselves. 
Just because you are both decent people does not necessarily mean that you are the right match for each other.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> I cherry picked parts of your post for a reason.
> 
> 1st: why were you "forced" to have an international long distance relationship for a a year? When was that? Where did you go? I assume you were the one who went somewhere because you said "when I came back".
> 
> ...


Hi! I’m glad you said all of this because in my desperation to try to make my marriage work those are thoughts that I’ve had myself. I’ll answer your questions in the most honest why and I’d appreciate if you could tell me if you still have the same opinion.

I’m originally from Colombia. I came here with the intention to have a 1 year intercultural experience and then I would go back home, therefore, I didn’t finish College. When my husband proposed to me all my plans of course changed. We were looking for ways for me to finish College here but I would have had to apply as an international student and it was too expensive, back home I had education for free. It was a hard decision for the both of us but we agreed that it was for the best of our new family’s interest. My husband was getting education for free thanks to his military benefits and I wasn’t willing to hurt him financially with my own school loan. That’s why I went back home.

I don’t want to be the center of his world, I encourage him to do things that make him happy and to have fun because he started living an adult life since he was a teenager, he joined the army at the age of 17. However, I did sign up for marriage for a partnership. I also expect him to spend some quality time with me. I just would love for him to have a more balanced lifestyle where his desires & my needs were all met.

I did tell him not to get anything material for me because honestly I don’t need anything. I work myself and treat myself with the things I want and need. Also, we had just purchased a house and I thought that was more than enough. I did make it clear that all I would wish was for him to be there on my birthday, the night before my birthday he asked me if I was sad. I said I was because I wasn’t looking forward to spending my birthday by myself and said it’s ok babe, just be happy we’re moving to our new place soon. I thought he was lying and he was planning to surprise me with his presence since I know how easy it is for him to take the day off. He didn’t and I was heartbroken.

Ever since I got married, I’ve been taking it very seriously. I even read books and listen to podcasts of professionals that talk about marriage. These resources have taught me that open communication is very important. I try to be as mature as I can when it comes to marriage. I’m sure there are things I still need to improve but I’m willing to do it. So yeah, I constantly communicate my needs and feelings with my husband in the most positive way I can find but it might change for a couple days and then It goes back to normal and I’m tired of repeating something that at this point he should already know I expect from him.

You mentioned you’re married right? I know every family has a different dynamic. But I’m wondering if you were in my position you wouldn’t mind pushing someone to do the things that you have already voiced so many times. Isn’t it nice when a person starts making changes in their lifestyle because they know it’ll make things easier at home? 

No, I’m not using sex as a punishment. I’m a very sexual person and would never think this is something that I’m just doing to please him.But that’s the problem, all of our other issues have been affecting my desire for intimacy. And I refuse to do duty sex.

Finally, I’m not isolated by language. I’m fluently bilingual and I’m able to hold a conversation in English. When I mentioned that I didn’t want language to be an obstacle I meant the ability to talk about very deep feelings and give a clear message of what is making me so unhappy. Even if you speak a second language fluently you’ll never feel as comfortable as with your native language. I do have friends and I sometimes make plans with them, they actually complain that I don’t hang out with them very often but it’s because I’m very busy being a wife, a teacher and a graduate student. And even if I have a strong friendship network. Again, what is The purpose of marriage if we can’t be a team and make memories together? My friends cannot replace my husband that’s what I feel.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> In the title you say you are growing apart but I am not seeing that you were ever really together.
> 
> You sound like two single people each doing your own thing that happen to have a marriage certificate and have the same mailing address.
> 
> ...


We actually did have a very nice relationship when we were dating. We were best friends and had lots of fun together. We hardly ever fought and it was the healthiest relationship I’d had so far. We were also so attracted to each other due to our physical differences that we found very exotic and sexy.

I really feel like that year apart meant the before and after of our relationship. Once we got back together it was like I was with a totally different person. It was either that we learned to be without each other or maybe our lifestyles changed so much that it was impossible to go back to what we used to have.

I would love to be able to fix our differences and build a life with him. I just happen to feel completely hopeless and don’t know what else to do to make it work. I know he still loves me but I don’t like the way he now loves me. I like the guy I felt in love with not this new version of him 😞.

Our problem is the way we see marriage. When I ask him why he’s still with me his answer is because I love you and I think you would be a great mother, and I think you’re very smart and beautiful. In my case, I’d like to say Im with him because we’re a team together, because life is already very hard out there and in him I can find peace, and love and happiness. But that’s not what I’m getting out of this marriage deal at the moment. I feel like I keep waiting for him to suddenly turn back into the person I met.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Start doing a hard 180 on him to see if he notices and realises he’s about to lose you. Go out more often,build your network of friends, join gym, club , etc. If he’s not interested on working on it then yiu know what you have to do.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

aine said:


> Start doing a hard 180 on him to see if he notices and realises he’s about to lose you. Go out more often,build your network of friends, join gym, club , etc. If he’s not interested on working on it then yiu know what you have to do.


what does 180 mean? I’m already doing the things you mentioned but not with the purpose to hurt him but because if he doesn’t want to join in then what else can Ido? I just do things by myself but it doesn’t make me feel less miserable. I feel like those I things I would enjoy doing with him but I can’t because he works all the time. But yeah, he still manages to spend hours and hours in front of a computer.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Danhuqui07 said:


> I really feel like that year apart meant the before and after of our relationship. Once we got back together it was like I was with a totally different person. It was either that we learned to be without each other or maybe our lifestyles changed so much that it was impossible to go back to what we used to have.
> 
> . I know he still loves me but I don’t like the way he now loves me. I like the guy I felt in love with not this new version of him 😞.


There probably is a lot of truth to this above. 

You mentioned you were in college. People change and transform a lot during that period of our lives. You were changing and transforming and he was changing and transforming. 

You may have had fun dates and hot sex etc when you were dating before you left. But then you were gone a year and tried to come back as a married couple. 

Some couples are able to do that. But many are not. 

Some couples are able to jump right back into it head first and do pick up from where they left off. 

But many kind of have to hit the reset button and start over with the dating and courting process to see if they are still right for each other or not. 

This isn't a completely fair question, but would you date and become involved with him as he is now if you were to meet him in his current state now?? Would he date and become involved with you if he were to meet you now??

That's not a completely fair question since married life living together in a home is not the same as being carefree singles who go out on the town on a Saturday night. 

But are you each people now that you would each want to be with??


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> There probably is a lot of truth to this above.
> 
> You mentioned you were in college. People change and transform a lot during that period of our lives. You were changing and transforming and he was changing and transforming.
> 
> ...


Probably not. Romance requires time, attention and interest. If you do not have feelings for a person it’d be very hard to develop them without any type of stimulation. 

As you said. Dating and being married are two very different things. If I was dating my husband and I had to remind him to spend time with me I wouldn’t probably be willing to do that. If was so relevant in my life to go through that. I would just move on. In marriage, I don’t expect my husband to be flirting with me the whole time and I understand that we’re now spending a big part of our lives together not only weekends. Therefore, I understand there are times he needs a break from me and wants to do stuff on his own. Just like I do. But feeling like there’s nothing we enjoy doing together anymore is definitely scary and feels wrong.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So when I was younger I worked a lot (12+ hours a day sometimes 7 days a week). When I went out with coworkers I’d go out after work and stay out even later, normally at a bar.

On the weekend or at normal time we’d have wife and girlfriend dinners and such. So wives and girlfriends ok even though it was mostly guys and then normally we’d blow off work after because everyone is drunk. Get him to bring you whether he wants to or not. Suggest a wife/girlfriend friendly get together. Most recently when I still went into the office we’d do these at a bar that served food nearby.

As for games you need to straight up tell him he’s playing too much. One way I was able to play is I would get up and play early in the morning before my wife even got up. It’s a stupid waste of time though and it’s not worth picking a video game over your wife. Just tell him that. Does he want to be the guy who’d rather beat a boss in Destiny than have sex with his wife?


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I was pretty miserable during the 1st year of my marriage because I didn't know how to function as part of a team. There are still things my husband doesn't do for / with me that I don't understand why. Mostly when I ask he says yes but there are issues. He's very introverted & not super chatty. Our MC indicated that I have to be quiet more & give him space to talk. Last night we went out to dinner on a date. We mostly sat in silence for 2 hours. He'd answer Qs if I asked them but he did not carry the conversation at all. I was pretty heartbroken by the time the date was over but he thought it was awesome that we could just sit & be. 

You need other outlets. Are you working? Do you have friends? Do you have hobbies? Get a good balance of all 3 & things should improve. Like your husband mine is also a military veteran. They are not known for opening up. 

Another concept we have is partci-hating. It's when you do an activity for your spouse because they want to but you'd prefer to being doing something else.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

One other idea. If you do any kind of group activity yourself like classes at the gym you can meet lady friends there. At least at my gym these ladies hang out outside the gym and do stuff together. This can be another way to drag him away from the computer, you can get invited to your own events and then drag him to those.


----------



## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

What did you expect? You spent a whole YEAR apart and you come back expecting things to be the same? I think your expectations are extremely unreasonable. He's had to adapt to a whole year not seeing you in person, not having your physical touch, not having sex with you. You cannot, CANNOT come back after a year long absence expecting to pick up where you left off. 

And yes, you DID have a choice to not be cut off from him for a whole year. There is always a choice. You chose to prioritize something else over your marriage.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> So when I was younger I worked a lot (12+ hours a day sometimes 7 days a week). When I went out with coworkers I’d go out after work and stay out even later, normally at a bar.
> 
> On the weekend or at normal time we’d have wife and girlfriend dinners and such. So wives and girlfriends ok even though it was mostly guys and then normally we’d blow off work after because everyone is drunk. Get him to bring you whether he wants to or not. Suggest a wife/girlfriend friendly get together. Most recently when I still went into the office we’d do these at a bar that served food nearby.
> 
> As for games you need to straight up tell him he’s playing too much. One way I was able to play is I would get up and play early in the morning before my wife even got up. It’s a stupid waste of time though and it’s not worth picking a video game over your wife. Just tell him that. Does he want to be the guy who’d rather beat a boss in Destiny than have sex with his wife?


So, I want to be as objective as I can. I’d like to clarify that my husband does not go out with friends all the time. It was a big problem at the beginning of our marriage because when I came back he would go out more often and he would get very very drunk and he’s not a nice drunk person, he has history of aggression (not with me) while being drunk and I always worry about him getting in trouble because although he doesn’t go out all the time when he does and he has too much too drink he is not the nicest person.

Yes, I would think that’s the normal thing to do. You go out with friends and also sometimes you go out with partners as well. They’ve only done the latter in two occasions. I agreed to meet these people even though they had already said very bad things about me but I still wanted to have a nice relationship with them since they were becoming such a big deal in our marriage and the cause of many of our problems so I wanted to see if maybe meeting them and being kind to them would make things easier for us.

I don’t mind him playing games. I also like having my alone time. It becomes a problem after he’s been there for close to 5 hours and it’s bed time and it’s his one day off and for once we could actually go to bed together and watch a show/ make love/ I don’t know. Just be a normal couple. I work from 8:00 am to 2:30 and he works from 3:30 to 11:30 so we already have very limited time to spend together. So when we do have the chance to spend time it hurts me to have to ask him to do it because he doesn’t seem to think about these things.

No, he’s a very sexual person and he complains that we’re not as active as we used to be but for me I need to have some interactions outside of the bedroom to be in the mood to be intimate. He’d love for him to be able to play games all day, get food served to him while still playing games and once his done with that come to the bedroom and find a horny wife.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Danhuqui07 said:


> He’d love for him to be able to play games all day, get food served to him while still playing games and once his done with that come to the bedroom and find a horny wife.


A lot of guys would accept that and be happy. You need to let him know that isn’t an option.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> I was pretty miserable during the 1st year of my marriage because I didn't know how to function as part of a team. There are still things my husband doesn't do for / with me that I don't understand why. Mostly when I ask he says yes but there are issues. He's very introverted & not super chatty. Our MC indicated that I have to be quiet more & give him space to talk. Last night we went out to dinner on a date. We mostly sat in silence for 2 hours. He'd answer Qs if I asked them but he did not carry the conversation at all. I was pretty heartbroken by the time the date was over but he thought it was awesome that we could just sit & be.
> 
> You need other outlets. Are you working? Do you have friends? Do you have hobbies? Get a good balance of all 3 & things should improve. Like your husband mine is also a military veteran. They are not known for opening up.
> 
> Another concept we have is partci-hating. It's when you do an activity for your spouse because they want to but you'd prefer to being doing something else.


Yes, I’ve been in that situation as well. I need to ask to have a date night, I need to choose the restaurant, once we’re there I need to carry the conversation and like yours some of our dates end up being horrible because I don’t feel he’s engaged and then I just want to go home.

Yes, I work full time, I do have friends and I am a very active person. I think my problem is not related to co-dependency I think it is related to being extremely independent. My thoughts usually go like this.. ok, so I don’t need someone to support me financially, this person is not interested in the same things I am, we don’t share any hobbies or any type of social life together. I love him but at this point I don’t even enjoy his company because we have nothing to talk about. What am I doing here? Oh yeah, that’s true, I’m here because he’s not the worst person in the entire world and we’ve been through so much together and he’s always been there for me, we have a very serious commitment and I’m scared to start a life on my own and I’d rather think that a miracle is going to happen and we will have the life we’ve always dreamed of.

Yes, I know there are things in marriage you do to please your partner. I just wish those things were chores like cleaning the kitchen or helping with trash but not things like hang out with me and have fun with me. I think those are activities that you should enjoy when you love someone.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> One other idea. If you do any kind of group activity yourself like classes at the gym you can meet lady friends there. At least at my gym these ladies hang out outside the gym and do stuff together. This can be another way to drag him away from the computer, you can get invited to your own events and then drag him to those.


Haha, I have friends I just don’t go out with them very often because I don’t have a lot of time. He’s been invited to some of our events but it’s a little uncomfortable because my husband is the type of person that cannot hide when he’s not comfortable somewhere so he get extremely shy and isolates himself and then I have everyone asking me where my husband went.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

adaptivesoda said:


> What did you expect? You spent a whole YEAR apart and you come back expecting things to be the same? I think your expectations are extremely unreasonable. He's had to adapt to a whole year not seeing you in person, not having your physical touch, not having sex with you. You cannot, CANNOT come back after a year long absence expecting to pick up where you left off.
> 
> And yes, you DID have a choice to not be cut off from him for a whole year. There is always a choice. You chose to prioritize something else over your marriage.


I understand, and I now realize it was something that hurt us deeply. But at the moment it seemed like the right move and it was a decision we made together. It wasn’t something selfish because I wasn’t just thinking of myself. We were a young couple, he had just accepted a job as a police officer. He had a bright future in front of him and I knew I had to work for my future as well. What else could I have done? Stay home and be a house wife? I respect whoever chooses to do that but we wanted something different for us. We both wanted to be successful professionally. We’re both very driven and ambitious in life. I didn’t feel like saying, hey, now just go make money and I’ll just stay home. Or hey, now I’m going to school here and I expect you to pay for it even though you never had to spend a dollar on your own education.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> A lot of guys would accept that and be happy. You need to let him know that isn’t an option.


I did. The other day he had been forced to work overnight. I was missing him and was feeling horny. I couldn’t wait for him to get home. Once he came home, he immediately said. Babe, I need to make love, I just really feel like I have to let it out. He didn’t want to make love because he loves me so much and missed me or because he looked at me and thought I was hot. He was asking for sex because he had a physiological need and it was such a turn off for me.
I had a conversation with him and explained to him how I felt and how it was important for me to have an emotional connection in order to be able to enjoy sex. Once I have that connection and I feel the chemistry, I’m very open minded in the bedroom and I’ll do everything I can to please my husband and have fun myself. He said he would work on it. Next thing I know, we’re fighting over video games again.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

I want to give an update. It’s my husband’s birthday today. After what happened on my birthday I feel like he’s completely rejecting any type of birthday celebration. He’s never been the type of person who likes to make a big deal out of it and he doesn’t like to be the center of attention. Back in the day we would go out for dinner and I would try to have a private celebration with him. This year he made very clear that he didn’t want to go to a restaurant. I asked him to take the day off so that we could spend the day together and he said he couldn’t. I tried to get a present for him but it just didn’t work out. My friend’s birthday was this weekend too and I left Friday and came back yesterday (they’re still having a celebration but I came back to be with my husband today) he came home this morning since he was forced to work overnight. I tried to be very special although we’re getting very distant lately. He seemed very uncomfortable being by my side. He had to go back to work and I tried to give him a hug but he just looked very uncomfortable and sad and wanting to just get me off of him as soon as possible.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Danhuqui07 said:


> I understand, and I now realize it was something that hurt us deeply. But at the moment it seemed like the right move and it was a decision we made together. It wasn’t something selfish because I wasn’t just thinking of myself. We were a young couple, he had just accepted a job as a police officer. He had a bright future in front of him and I knew I had to work for my future as well. What else could I have done? Stay home and be a house wife? I respect whoever chooses to do that but we wanted something different for us. We both wanted to be successful professionally. We’re both very driven and ambitious in life. I didn’t feel like saying, hey, now just go make money and I’ll just stay home. Or hey, now I’m going to school here and I expect you to pay for it even though you never had to spend a dollar on your own education.


No need to get defensive, no one is pointing fingers or assigning blame. 

It's just a fact that all choices have outcomes. All choices have their own set of risks, rewards and ramifications. Your choice to go to school out of the country for a year was not wrong or bad. But it does have impacts and effects and outcomes. Some good. Some not so good. 

The point is you are two different people in different places now than what you were as two dating singles when you were in college. 

You'll kinda have to hit the reset button and reevaluate things where you are now and where each of you wants to be going forward and what each of you are willing to do and willing to accept or not accept.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> No need to get defensive, no one is pointing fingers or assigning blame.
> 
> It's just a fact that all choices have outcomes. All choices have their own set of risks, rewards and ramifications. Your choice to go to school out of the country for a year was not wrong or bad. But it does have impacts and effects and outcomes. Some good. Some not so good.
> 
> ...


Thank you and I’m sorry if it was interpreted that way. I just wanna make very clear that my marriage has always been my number one priority. My decision to go back to school was directly linked to the fact that It would put our family in a better position in the future.

We would travel and meet in different places every there or four months. I knew that we had a lot to catch up on once I came back and I was excited to do it. He was as well. But it did hit us hard when we saw we had completely adapted to being apart.

I appreciate everyone’s time to comment in here and I definitely don’t want to sound rude. Sorry about that!


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He sounds like he has a whole other life that doesn't include you and him playing videogames all the time when he is home is just another way to avoid time with you. I mean, you know complaining doesn't work. While others are seeing you as withholding sex, I'm seeing what he said about all you have to do is remind him to come to bed as sex being the only reason he would make time for you, which isn't too far-fetched. He is checked out. 

I see no point in continuing to complain at him. You are right that it puts you in a parental role, and that in itself can be a sex killer. But I just don't see why you are holding onto this relationship. He has a separate life he prefers, and you are simply not included in any meaningful way. Stop wasting your life with him. For God's sake, don't have kids.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Danhuqui07 said:


> Haha, I have friends I just don’t go out with them very often because I don’t have a lot of time. He’s been invited to some of our events but it’s a little uncomfortable because my husband is the type of person that cannot hide when he’s not comfortable somewhere so he get extremely shy and isolates himself and then I have everyone asking me where my husband went.


Sounds like me.

With your added information that he becomes irritating while drinking that presents problems for what my follow up suggestion would be.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He sounds like he has a whole other life that doesn't include you and him playing videogames all the time when he is home is just another way to avoid time with you. I mean, you know complaining doesn't work. While others are seeing you as withholding sex, I'm seeing what he said about all you have to do is remind him to come to bed as sex being the only reason he would make time for you, which isn't too far-fetched. He is checked out.
> 
> I see no point in continuing to complain at him. You are right that it puts you in a parental role, and that in itself can be a sex killer. But I just don't see why you are holding onto this relationship. He has a separate life he prefers, and you are simply not included in any meaningful way. Stop wasting your life with him. For God's sake, don't have kids.


Yeah, having children with him is not in my checklist right now. I guess I am now in the process of understanding what the heck is going on here and I honestly feel like I’m grieving inside marriage. I feel extremely anxious and can’t help but think about how damaged my marriage is and how it’s so obvious that there’s no US in our future. I have so many things to deal with (work, my Master’s, my parents are visiting soon, housework since we just moved here) all things that require me to be very productive but I just can’t concentrate and get anything done. It makes me even more anxious and I find myself shaking, feeling something in my chest I can’t describe and just laying in bed trying to figure out how to put my life in order again.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Danhuqui07 said:


> Hello everyone!
> 
> I’m a little worried about my marriage and would like to hear opinions / suggestions on how to keep handling this.
> 
> ...


Sounds like a lot of red flags, gaslighting and undermining your feelings. He is choosing not to change and make things better. You're not married that long, so, disengage with him for a while; if you still see no change, then I think it's time for you to make moves of your own...ie. divorce.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Danhuqui07 said:


> Yeah, having children with him is not in my checklist right now. I guess I am now in the process of understanding what the heck is going on here and I honestly feel like I’m grieving inside marriage. I feel extremely anxious and can’t help but think about how damaged my marriage is and how it’s so obvious that there’s no US in our future. I have so many things to deal with (work, my Master’s, my parents are visiting soon, housework since we just moved here) all things that require me to be very productive but I just can’t concentrate and get anything done. It makes me even more anxious and I find myself shaking, feeling something in my chest I can’t describe and just laying in bed trying to figure out how to put my life in order again.


Well, I understand putting off things when you are already overwhelmed. But if the marriage problem is damaging the rest of it, keeping you from functioning fully, maybe it is time to see a family law attorney and get the ball rolling, because you can just turn it all over to the attorney and let that person make a lot of the decisions and advise you on next steps, protecting assets, timing of different things. It will be a relief just to make that decision, I think. What's going on is he's just not at all invested. My guess is he has other female interests anyway, what with his separate life and all you're not invited to. This just isn't going to work. Get out before you accidentally do get pregnant. 

It's actually a good time to file with your parents coming. You can maybe lean on them for support, if they're the supportive type. I'm sure if you tell them he leads a separate life and only wants to see you in the bedroom, they'll understand the necessity of leaving the marriage.

You may want to give the parents a heads-up, though, before they get there or they'll be asking when you two are having a baby, which might force you to lie or make a promise or something.


----------



## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

Who owns the new house? Who made the down-payment? Whose names are on the deed? On the mortgage?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Danhuqui07 said:


> . I feel extremely anxious and can’t help but think about how damaged my marriage is and how it’s so obvious that there’s no US in our future. I have so many things to deal with (work, my Master’s, my parents are visiting soon, housework since we just moved here) all things that require me to be very productive


Welcome to adulthood LOL ;-)


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, I understand putting off things when you are already overwhelmed. But if the marriage problem is damaging the rest of it, keeping you from functioning fully, maybe it is time to see a family law attorney and get the ball rolling, because you can just turn it all over to the attorney and let that person make a lot of the decisions and advise you on next steps, protecting assets, timing of different things. It will be a relief just to make that decision, I think. What's going on is he's just not at all invested. My guess is he has other female interests anyway, what with his separate life and all you're not invited to. This just isn't going to work. Get out before you accidentally do get pregnant.
> 
> It's actually a good time to file with your parents coming. You can maybe lean on them for support, if they're the supportive type. I'm sure if you tell them he leads a separate life and only wants to see you in the bedroom, they'll understand the necessity of leaving the marriage.
> 
> You may want to give the parents a heads-up, though, before they get there or they'll be asking when you two are having a baby, which might force you to lie or make a promise or something.


thank you! I just feel like I’m so emotionally drained that I have to energy to start a divorce process right now. I’m basically just waiting for him to take the first move. I’ve talked about divorce before and I know he resents me for that. I just don’t know what else to do when he doesn’t accept therapy as an option.

We’ve been living just like roommates since we had our last fight. I know I started it because I felt like I just had to protect myself and my feelings so I decided not to expect anything from him any longer. Then his parents came to visit and he started (which he usually does) treating me like a stranger or something and I no longer have patience for him at all so I decided to distance myself. He asked me why I was acting like this and I told you I was treating him in the same way he treats me in front of people and he said. What do you want from me? You want me to start kissing you in front of my parents or what?

My mom knows what’s happening since she’s the one person I feel I can trust. I feel so bad when I have to vent with her though. I don’t want her to worry about me. My parents have always supported me and I’m sure they’d be there for me if I do decide to get divorced.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Danhuqui07 said:


> Haha, I have friends I just don’t go out with them very often because I don’t have a lot of time. He’s been invited to some of our events but it’s a little uncomfortable because my husband is the type of person that cannot hide when he’s not comfortable somewhere so he get extremely shy and isolates himself and then I have everyone asking me where my husband went.


He really doesn't care about anyone but himself, does he? Can't even make an effort.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Danhuqui07 said:


> thank you! I just feel like I’m so emotionally drained that I have to energy to start a divorce process right now. I’m basically just waiting for him to take the first move. I’ve talked about divorce before and I know he resents me for that. I just don’t know what else to do when he doesn’t accept therapy as an option.
> 
> We’ve been living just like roommates since we had our last fight. I know I started it because I felt like I just had to protect myself and my feelings so I decided not to expect anything from him any longer. Then his parents came to visit and he started (which he usually does) treating me like a stranger or something and I no longer have patience for him at all so I decided to distance myself. He asked me why I was acting like this and I told you I was treating him in the same way he treats me in front of people and he said. What do you want from me? You want me to start kissing you in front of my parents or what?
> 
> My mom knows what’s happening since she’s the one person I feel I can trust. I feel so bad when I have to vent with her though. I don’t want her to worry about me. My parents have always supported me and I’m sure they’d be there for me if I do decide to get divorced.


He's not going to initiate divorce anytime soon. Don't wait for him to do it. It will be to your advantage to initiate it first so you can protect any assets and he doesn't get a head start on you and hide stuff. Seriously. Don't let him waste any more of your life. Be proactive. You already know he never does the right thing. You're going to have to have your own attorney anyway. You certainly can't trust him to do the right thing.

Both attorney fees will end up coming out of your joint assets anyway. Don't let this fester to the point where it gets both of you so mad you can't do this calmly and get it over with.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

Enigmatic said:


> Who owns the new house? Who made the down-payment? Whose names are on the deed? On the mortgage?


We didn’t have put a down payment as we used one of his military benefits. He’s on the mortgage and we’re both on the deed. Fighting over assets is not something I’m planning to do though. We literally just bought this house, he can have it. I can’t pay the mortgage by myself anyway.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Welcome to adulthood LOL ;-)


It sucks haha!


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

He is retired or ex military and now a LEO? He may have PTSD or other issues. Some of my friends who were in the military or eventually LEOs are quite intense people. Maybe it would be good to talk to other wives for support?


----------



## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

Danhuqui07 said:


> We didn’t have put a down payment as we used one of his military benefits. He’s on the mortgage and we’re both on the deed. Fighting over assets is not something I’m planning to do though. We literally just bought this house, he can have it. I can’t pay the mortgage by myself anyway.


This is good. At least, whatever happens, you are not in a bad position financially.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Danhuqui07 said:


> I was missing him and was feeling horny. I couldn’t wait for him to get home. Once he came home, he immediately said. Babe, I need to make love, I just really feel like I have to let it out.
> 
> He didn’t want to make love because he loves me so much and missed me or because he looked at me and thought I was hot. He was asking for sex because he had a physiological need and it was such a turn off for me.
> 
> ...


This is where some professional marital counseling may be in order. You two are on different wavelengths and aren't really communicating your needs with each other effectively. 

You're assuming he just had a full tank and was just wanting to get his rocks off in whatever vagina was available. 

His perspective is probably that he needed connection and intimacy with you and you stiff-armed him even though you admittedly were missing him and were horny yourself. 

The boys are different from the girls. Men give and receive love and connection and intimacy through sexuality. It is through sexuality and physical intimacy and affection that they connect emotionally. 

When you tell him you need emotional connection prior to and in order to become sexual, you are kind of speaking a foreign language to him. A woman trying to explain nonphysical/nonsexual emotional connection is like trying to describe colors to a blind person. 

you rejecting him when he was in need of connection and intimacy is analogous to him playing video games while you try to garner quality time and personal attention from him. 

This is a serious disconnect and dysfunction in your relationship. Professional marital counseling may help bridge that gap and help you learn to better understand the other's love languages and needs.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> He is retired or ex military and now a LEO? He may have PTSD or other issues. Some of my friends who were in the military or eventually LEOs are quite intense people. Maybe it would be good to talk to other wives for support?


He might. It’d be hard to deal with it when he doesn’t believe in therapy though. I feel like everything would be so much easier if he was willing to cooperate.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I mean, I sympathize with LEOs, but it doesn't change how uninvested he is in this marriage. If he does have PTSD, it's not like she can fix it. It does explain a little why he has this other life.

A lot of LEOs really cherish the time with their spouses and family.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

adaptivesoda said:


> I think your expectations are extremely unreasonable. He's had to adapt to a whole year not seeing you in person, not having your physical touch, not having sex with you. You cannot, CANNOT come back after a year long absence expecting to pick up where you left off.


What terrible advice. My husband was an army officer. As such, he got deployed many times. There were times when I didn't see him for almost a year. Believe me, men and women who serve in our military endure lengthy separations all the time. And that doesn't mean they "adapt" by not expecting to come home to a loving family and friends. Get real.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This is where some professional marital counseling may be in order. You two are on different wavelengths and aren't really communicating your needs with each other effectively.
> 
> You're assuming he just had a full tank and was just wanting to get his rocks off in whatever vagina was available.
> 
> ...


I agree, I’d love for us to go to counseling and work it out. If there’s something I need to acknowledge I’m all for that. I love him and I know I’m not perfect and I’m willing to fix whatever I have to. I can’t force him to do that though. When I brought up this idea he said that under no circumstances he would go to therapy then I said he could offer a solution to solve our problems since I didn’t know what else to do. He said that his solution was very simple. We just had to forgive and remember we love each other and we don’t do things with the intention to hurt each other. That’s not an acceptable solution for me because I think you can forgive once but when the person doesn’t change the behavior it does feel like they’re doing it on purpose.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like, for whatever reason, he’s lost interest in you. If he’s not willing to discuss it — or work on it — then it doesn’t sound like you have a choice. He may be waiting for you to file so he can place the blame on you for wanting out while he looks like the good guy. The one who files controls the process instead of just reacting to the other one filing.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I mean, I sympathize with LEOs, but it doesn't change how uninvested he is in this marriage. If he does have PTSD, it's not like she can fix it. It does explain a little why he has this other life.
> 
> A lot of LEOs really cherish the time with their spouses and family.


I’m glad you sympathize with police officers. I’m very proud of him for his work and contribution to the community. He loves this country and would do anything for it.

What I keep wondering is why would he go through such a painful process with me, wait for me for a whole year, have a multicultural marriage, go through an immigration process so that I could get my residency, buy a house with me and still be so indifferent when it comes to our problems. I mean, does he actually love me? I don’t know!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Love doesn’t mean two people are compatible. If it did, there would be a lot fewer divorces.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> What terrible advice. My husband was an army officer. As such, he got deployed many times. There were times when I didn't see him for almost a year. Believe me, men and women who serve in our military endure lengthy separations all the time. And that doesn't mean they "adapt" by not expecting to come home to a loving family and friends. Get real.


No worries! people can give their opinions and it’s my choice to decide what’s useful or not. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate someone’s opinion it just means it’s hard to explain the whole context and people can have their own assumptions and there’s nothing wrong with that but and I know who I am, who my husband is and the reasons we had to face a long distance relationship. Thanks!


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Sounds like, for whatever reason, he’s lost interest in you. If he’s not willing to discuss it — or work on it — then it doesn’t sound like you have a choice. He may be waiting for you to file so he can place the blame on you for wanting out while he looks like the good guy. The one who files controls the process instead of just reacting to the other one filing.


He’s mentioned before that all he wants for me is to be happy and if he’s not the one who’s gonna make me happy then I can look for it somewhere else. He says he loves me very much but I’m expecting him to be perfect and he’s a human, he makes mistakes. And then I just find myself thinking, am I really such a horrible person? Is he right?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> What terrible advice. My husband was an army officer. As such, he got deployed many times. There were times when I didn't see him for almost a year. Believe me, men and women who serve in our military endure lengthy separations all the time. And that doesn't mean they "adapt" by not expecting to come home to a loving family and friends. Get real.


As I said in an earlier post, some couples are able to have long periods of separation and then get back in the groove upon returning. ....... but many others do not. 

Some couples completely detach while separated and never reconnect. Some experience infidelity. Some are able to get back on track but require a period of courting and getting to know each other again. All couples have their own requirements on what they need to reconnect if they are able to at all.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Danhuqui07 said:


> He’s mentioned before that all he wants for me is to be happy and if he’s not the one who’s gonna make me happy then I can look for it somewhere else. He says he loves me very much but I’m expecting him to be perfect and he’s a human, he makes mistakes. And then I just find myself thinking, am I really such a horrible person? Is he right?


While he may say he loves you, his actions say otherwise. That makes for a difficult marriage. Only you can decide how long you want to try to make it work.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Danhuqui07 said:


> I’m glad you sympathize with police officers. I’m very proud of him for his work and contribution to the community. He loves this country and would do anything for it.
> 
> What I keep wondering is why would he go through such a painful process with me, wait for me for a whole year, have a multicultural marriage, go through an immigration process so that I could get my residency, buy a house with me and still be so indifferent when it comes to our problems. I mean, does he actually love me? I don’t know!


Love is actions, not words. Maybe he just thought he needed to hit the wife milestone. Not sure where you're from but maybe he thought you would be completely submissive and mild if you're from another culture. I've certainly heard my share of men on this forum and other forums saying they want to get a woman from another country because they don't like American women and their need for equality. 

Maybe he thought you'd be the type to just tolerate anything and he knew he was difficult. Maybe he just wanted someone to have sex with regularly. Maybe he just thought as a man it was time he started a family. 

But you just have to know that love is actions and his actions are not giving you much love. A lot of Leos really cherish their family and look upon it as a Haven, not something to avoid. If he has some mental issue he should have told you all about that before you married him. A lot of mental issues are no excuse for this treatment. Others may be an excuse but not one that I would want to live with.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

Wow, I just read about this 180 method and it describes literally what I have been doing for the past week. I was a little nicer today because it is his birthday but even when I tried to give him a hug and noticed rejection from him I didn’t argue about it. I just left him alone. I feel like by taking those actions my husband is now doing the same exact thing though haha. It hurts a little but I honestly feel like it’s his right to protect himself when It’s clear that I’m protecting myself. I wonder what the purpose of the method is though. I’m doing it because I just refused to keep feeling hurt and I’ve decided to just ignore him completely. I don’t expect anything good to come out of this though. I assume if I’m now having this attitude he deserves to act the same way with me. Does anyone here have experience with this method?


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Yes for sure. It will take many months in my experience before you gain the confidence to where you’re not doing a 180 anymore it’s now how you are.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This thread is kind of bringing back memories from years and years ago. I had been dating this gal steadily for a few years starting in my early 20s. She was a few years older and was getting serious about finishing up her degree and had always had a dream of studying marine biology and we were in the midwest. 

She was starting to get to the "where-is-this-going?" stage of our relationship and was getting to the point of wanting a serious commitment and rapidly approaching the ultimatum stage and she asked me if she would to attend a university on the coast if I would go with her.

My answer was no as I was developing my life and career in my home state. 

Then she asked me if she were to finish up a degree in marine biology and would be gone for at least a year, would I "wait" for her? 

I normally try to be negotiable and employ at least some level of verbal judo, but in this case there wasn't any niceties or soft skills to tip toe around the issue and just came out and said no. 

I wonder if Mr Danhuq should have also taken more of the blunt approach when discussing her being gone for a year.


----------



## Eva_87 (Aug 23, 2021)

Danhuqui07 said:


> Hello everyone!
> 
> I’m a little worried about my marriage and would like to hear opinions / suggestions on how to keep handling this.
> 
> ...


This is so crazy. My relationship is literally almost thr exact same way. Like.. scary similar. Although my husband doesn't play video games.. he works ALL the time. I work retail. He's in the landscaping business. I'm 34.. hes 45.. he does everything for other people but nothing for me. He wakes up at like 630 every morning and is asleep by 10 at night. When he does get home, it's about 830.. and instead of even talking with me, he sits on his phone and either does more work stuff, is reading, or watching videos. 

I have begged him to pay attention to me. Like you, I try to be the best wife I can be.. but its like he's not present in our marriage. 

Hes always tired, so sex is non existent. He never wants to do anything I want to do. Our interests are completely different. I try so hard to bend for him, to get involved with any kind of hobby he has, but he's never tried for me.

And ad far as the birthday thing? This past may was my birthday and he got me a bunch of lottery tickets. When I brought it up to him and made a suggestion about how he could have used that money towards something more thoughtful (even a giftcard to somewhere I like to shop) his response was that he's too busy, and that I am spoiled. It hurt so badly. 

We tried therapy. It seemed to help him a little, but then covid happened and we stopped, so we haven't gone back since. 

I'll be honest, I'm so tired of trying with him, I don't think I have the energy to try anymore. As much as I love him, I can't make him prioritize me. It sucks. It hurts. It's heartbreaking. 

I'm constantly thinking about divorce. In my gut, I know it needs to happen because I'm wasting my time with someone for what? ...legit nothing.


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This thread is kind of bringing back memories from years and years ago. I had been dating this gal steadily for a few years starting in my early 20s. She was a few years older and was getting serious about finishing up her degree and had always had a dream of studying marine biology and we were in the midwest.
> 
> She was starting to get to the "where-is-this-going?" stage of our relationship and was getting to the point of wanting a serious commitment and rapidly approaching the ultimatum stage and she asked me if she would to attend a university on the coast if I would go with her.
> 
> ...


----------



## Danhuqui07 (Aug 20, 2021)

Guys, when it comes to that year I spent in Colombia I am fully aware of the impact it had in the relationship but I had never thought that it was something I caused due to personal priority but rather something that unfortunately happened to us due to a mutual decision that was made for the sake of our family.

This thread has made me realize that some people have translated my actions as a synonym of abandonment and I’m questioning why society usually assumes that women are the ones that have to follow men. My husband could have spent that year with me in Colombia, have you thought about that?

If I had decided to stay in the US during that year I could’ve never worked during my immigration process. By being in Colombia I was being-both productive and diligent with school and immigration stuff. Now, I know it would have been hard for my husband to live in my home country, and I know by being here he was also working on his career and I don’t blame him for doing that. But I was doing the exact same thing. Why is it seen like something negative?

When I was about to come back I knew what I was about to face. I knew it was going to be a hard transition and a process that required time and love. But when you’re married and you’re willing to make it work you do everything to reconnect with that person that you chose as a partner for life. I just don’t understand what some people are trying to tell me? Correct me if I’m getting a little confused but what you’re trying to say is that I wasn’t being realistic for expecting my husband to behave like a husband? I mean, good for him, he had a nice year as a bachelor but I think common sense can also suggest that now the wife is home and some changes need to be made to the previous routine.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Danhuqui07 said:


> Guys, when it comes to that year I spent in Colombia I am fully aware of the impact it had in the relationship but I had never thought that it was something I caused due to personal priority but rather something that unfortunately happened to us due to a mutual decision that was made for the sake of our family.
> 
> This thread has made me realize that some people have translated my actions as a synonym of abandonment and I’m questioning why society usually assumes that women are the ones that have to follow men. My husband could have spent that year with me in Colombia, have you thought about that?
> 
> ...


Again, it’s not about blame or fault. 

It’s as I said before, all choices have outcomes. 

And it’s probably unfair and may be completely erroneous to jump to the conclusion that your year away is related to the break down at all. 

For all we know, the relationship would have broken down harder and faster if you had stayed and were around each other all the time. 

This isn’t all your fault. He is also at least 50% responsible for the state of the relationship as well. 

And even if your absence is a cause, neither of you had a chrystal ball to show the future for when you came back.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Danhuqui07 said:


> Wow, I just read about this 180 method and it describes literally what I have been doing for the past week. I was a little nicer today because it is his birthday but even when I tried to give him a hug and noticed rejection from him I didn’t argue about it. I just left him alone. I feel like by taking those actions my husband is now doing the same exact thing though haha. It hurts a little but I honestly feel like it’s his right to protect himself when It’s clear that I’m protecting myself. I wonder what the purpose of the method is though. I’m doing it because I just refused to keep feeling hurt and I’ve decided to just ignore him completely. I don’t expect anything good to come out of this though. I assume if I’m now having this attitude he deserves to act the same way with me. Does anyone here have experience with this method?


It's B.S. There is no magic wand to fix a person. It may get a temporary different reaction, but it doesn't change who they are, so it won't be sustained change at all.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Eva_87 said:


> This is so crazy. My relationship is literally almost thr exact same way. Like.. scary similar. Although my husband doesn't play video games.. he works ALL the time. I work retail. He's in the landscaping business. I'm 34.. hes 45.. he does everything for other people but nothing for me. He wakes up at like 630 every morning and is asleep by 10 at night. When he does get home, it's about 830.. and instead of even talking with me, he sits on his phone and either does more work stuff, is reading, or watching videos.
> 
> I have begged him to pay attention to me. Like you, I try to be the best wife I can be.. but its like he's not present in our marriage.
> 
> ...


You're giving your life to someone who doesn't value it. Stop wasting it.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I just read the first few posts so forgive me if this has already been covered... But you met in college and have been together for 5 years? So you're super young? Go enjoy your youth and being single!! This has been a good learning experience. But you should give yourself time to become your own person.


----------



## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

Danhuqui07 said:


> Hello everyone!
> 
> I’m a little worried about my marriage and would like to hear opinions / suggestions on how to keep handling this.
> 
> ...


I would end it or be ready for that. Resentment is a stupid word because stupid people use it. It is a very serious condition and it never gets its due in the history of arguments. But, "growing" apart means your spouse is growing toward another flame, Good luck but you won't get any. But, you are woman so you enjoy better stuff in the world. You should tap in to that and demand answers not from us or a stupid message board full of broken people.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No one had replied on this thread for about 5 months before Bull Frog Kisser just did. Kinda zombie. 🧟‍♂️


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Night of the Living Thread!


----------

