# Anniversary of dates are hard at the one year mark



## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

Hello,
I was just wondering how many others find the one year mark of dates hard. Example I know one year ago he was with her while we were apart due to work and relocation. At that time I did not yet know about the affair. March 20 2012 was when his girlfriend decided to make sure I knew about them in an email. 
We have been doing well with recovery in that we are both committed to staying together and he has been a model husband since Dday and he ended it with her immediately. But, I still feel so much hurt on specific dates that I now know what he was really doing. 
Our marriage is recovering and we have many days when it all seems that it never happened, but yet my sub conscience is still very aware and at times the awareness comes to the front. She sent me pictures that were x rated of them after he broke it off with her the night it all came out. She of course thought that I would reject him as soon as she outed him, when I did not and he called here and ended it all she tried to make sure I could not stand being with him after seeing thier pictures. She was wrong again, but the images are burned into my mind and reappear at times that are unpredictable. 
I was just wondering how others deal with the 1 year ago night mare feelings. I try to replace last year with better things together this year but it is a mental exercise in controlling my emotions to try and not let the "this day last year" bother me.
Thanks to all here.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The first year dates are all really hard. I was pretty much a basket case for every one of them.

But every year after that is a LOT better  Last year a couple of them I even forgot :smthumbup:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It is one year since I started dating seriously a guy I was very good friends with. And in a couple weeks it will be exactly one year since his near-fatal brain hemorrhage. So that is tough. And by coincidence I had planned to take my kids xc skiing, which is where I was when I came home to find him near-death in my apartment. :-(
It almost seems like it was an entirely different life. I think reaching one year is good though because they say grief is usually one year...and then it gets a lot easier. So in a way I'm looking forward to the date, as a way to launch into the future.


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## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

Thank YOU!!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

sdcott said:


> Hello,
> I was just wondering how many others find the one year mark of dates hard. Example I know one year ago he was with her while we were apart due to work and relocation. At that time I did not yet know about the affair. March 20 2012 was when his girlfriend decided to make sure I knew about them in an email.
> We have been doing well with recovery in that we are both committed to staying together and he has been a model husband since Dday and he ended it with her immediately. But, I still feel so much hurt on specific dates that I now know what he was really doing.
> Our marriage is recovering and we have many days when it all seems that it never happened, but yet my sub conscience is still very aware and at times the awareness comes to the front. She sent me pictures that were x rated of them after he broke it off with her the night it all came out. She of course thought that I would reject him as soon as she outed him, when I did not and he called here and ended it all she tried to make sure I could not stand being with him after seeing thier pictures. She was wrong again, but the images are burned into my mind and reappear at times that are unpredictable.
> ...


I would let your husband know exactly how you are feeling. That these types of anniversary dates are a trigger and that you have an especially hard time dealing with them - and that may be the case for some time. 

Tell him you expect him to understand this and help you work through these periods without showing impatience or frustration.

Then sit back and watch his reaction. This should give you a pretty good indication of his "remorseful" quotient. If he is supportive and understanding, this can only help you get past these periods.If he's not, perhaps it time to re-evaluate things. 

This is exactly what I did with my wife. She was very supportive and it helped. But I understand about the mind movies. I still have them every day and there's only so much the CS can do. That's just part of the raw deal for BS's that attempt R. All we can do is expect the CS to remain remorseful and endure our feelings - and hope time does the rest.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

The 1 year anniversary of my wife's cheating is in a few days, not the dday but the actual day she met him and the day she went to his house, found out about a month later then some of the other d days after that so this spring is full of fun days. 
I can feel the pressure building and I know it will not be a great time on top of that she must go out of town to a business meeting a few days before (she is leaving on the day she met him last year). Luckly she is sharing a room with a much older woman so I think it will be ok, plus it is a training class so they will be in school several hours every day. However it will be a long 2 days between exercise and drinking it will be fun.
I trust what others here say that things will get better and next year will be easier, been a rough year lucky there are more good days than bad right now just hope all these anniversaries don't overwhelm me.
Good luck to you do your best and remember it is not your fault.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Are you sill attending IC? You may want to ask your counselor about cognitive-behavioral therapy. Its a conscious attempt to modify the thought patterns in your head. Those dates have meaning because you give them meaning. I had a tough time at the 6month aniv. of the A, and really made an effort to re-appropriate a few of the things that made me trigger. For instance, there is a park where my wife and the OM had lunch, after I found out, I would always trigger while driving by it. After some time passed, I realized that the only person preventing me from enjoying that park was me. Since the POSOM was an insignificant pile of dog doo doo, I was determined to not let my mental hangups prevent me from enjoying the place. CBT helped quite a bit, both with the dates, and the park, and whatever else I triggered off of.

@ badmemory

How long into R are you guys? How come you still use CS when talking about your spouse?


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## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> The first year dates are all really hard. I was pretty much a basket case for every one of them.
> 
> But every year after that is a LOT better  Last year a couple of them I even forgot :smthumbup:


Thank you for the reply - I am ready for this first year after to be over!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Dday happened March 6, 2012. These last few days have been difficult because I've seen the number of text messages through our phone bill when they were trying to work out a time to meet.

January 11th was tough, too. As was November 17th and other dates that I know throughout the year when they met up. The hardest one is July 21st because our kids were with her parents for the week and we were together and having such a fun time.

I wish I had said no when she asked if she could go visit her friend "Sue" for a couple hours. 

The first year and having those dates in my brain hurt. I have already scheduled IC for 3/6. I think I might need it. Although, I won't be able to be there at 10:34pm...the time I found out and confronted her.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

For some it seems to help by creating new important things on those specific days. Create a happy memory to asossiate those days with instead.

If you are doing R make that day your special day. Book a weekend away from the kids, stay at a luxury spa or something. Make those days special to you two.

Think of something that you really want to do and, I think it must be fairly big, and make sure you do it that that day.

Basically try to replace the bad memories with good ones instead.

If I don't remember wrong. One of the couples doing R here on this forum had the H learn to fly. He is gonna do the certificate test on the worst day. That I faind is a perfect thing. Asossiat the bad day with something possitive instead.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

i will never be able to forget the day i caught my 1st wife cheating,kinda hard to forget when it happened on your birthday.so every birthday is a constant reminder,don't care how many years have passed.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Today is the day they had sex for the first time together (last year).

So I sent her a txt, wishing her a happy 1st anniversary.


My Dday was May 4th, the _day before_ our 12th anniversary.

Think I'll ever forget that? No f*cking chance.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Said it before and I will say it again the calendar is full of landmines. If I can get through this first year with her having to go away, (she is leaving the day she met him last year back 2 days later) then I can get through anything. While I see IC in my future(been there before all this) right now the best counsel is in a bottle of bourbon and working out, deaden the brain and wear myself out while she is gone for a couple of days at least I might sleep.
I guess my biggest fear is that as these anniversary dates come up the progress made in reducing the mind movies / triggers etc. all the little fun things that come along with being cheated on will be back in force. Strap yourself in it's gonna be a bumpy ride.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

Dday is March 1st and I'm having a hard week this week. Omg the images in my head. The things I want to still say to the OW...what a shame I will never be able to do that as she blocked me on FB. I think of still outing wh but what will that do me. 
He did get a sitter for Saturday night and we plan on going out for dinner...we shall see how it goes.


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