# Husband at bachelor party



## mariemount12

Hello,
I could really use some advice and opinions on this... My husband is the best man in his buddies wedding this August. The guys planned the grooms bachelor party out of town in Tampa for 4 days this weekend (we are from Canada).
We just had a newborn baby, she is 10 weeks old, but I would never expect my husband not to plan or goto this event for his best friend.

I love my husband and I feel we have a really great marriage, although only been married for 1.5 years and together for 3 years. We are both in our 30's (33 and 34). So far never had any major issues or trust issues. My husband does know that I have one major insecurity.. And that is men traveling out of town whether it be business or bachelor parties etc.
I can't even say this is a trust issue from past experiences, I have just heard so many horrible stories. I also have personally been out with girlfriends and been hit on married men, caught men taking off their wedding rings, witnessed men at bachelor parties, in my single days been one of those women invited into bachelor party shenanigans whether it be bottle service, etc.

Now don't get me wrong my husband is not the bar type. He hasn't been to a bar probably since we started dating. The only time he will ever be in a bar or strip club is at a bachelor party!

Since us dating/married he has been to 3 friends bachelor parties. He always text or called me, we would laugh about some funny stories of embarassing the groom on stage at the strip club, getting the groom wasted etc. All in good fun! My husband never made me anxious or uncomfortable and always did a good job checking in or giving me a good night call or text at the end of the crazy boys night!

This weekend away he checked in on our baby and I many times, he missed her so much and wanted to FaceTime to see her.
Friday night (the last night there) was the big bender night. Their plan was to head to a golf range / dinner and then return to the house and get ready, where the limo would pick them up and take them to the bar for the evening. They were doing bottle service and the whole shebang.

I last heard from my husband at 7pm saying they were at the golf place.. After that nothing..... I didn't text or call but went to bed with my daughter around 11pm.. I woke up at 7:30am to feed her and was shocked!! Not a single message, text, call NOTHING from my husband..
8am.. 9 am rolls around still nothing.
I sent him a text then and said I was completely shocked and disappointed and confused why on earth I had not received a single message since 7pm?

This is VERY out of character in our marriage and we have both never done this to each other, not even on our OWN stags when we got married in 2014. I was in Vegas and he was in Tampa and we sent many "Love you, miss you" type texts.

My husband finally wrote me back and called me around 10am. He said his phone died at 7pm at the golf place and he never got a chance to charge it.
The house they stayed at has a land line as well, and he is with 7 other guys.. Obviously someone had a charged phone!!

I haven't talked to my husband yet, he comes home today. I have ignored his numerous I'm so sorry texts and calls and voicemails.
I am incredibly hurt and confused...... I don't know if this means he cheated on me or he was up to no good!!!! He has never done this before, like I said we usually laugh at bachelor party drunken night shenanigans. I'm not the kind of wife that sets rules or says anything is off limits.. We just always had a mutual respect to call and check in on each other to say we love and miss each other- regardless of the time, how drunk we are etc.

I am especially hurt that he would pull a stunt like this while I am home with our 10week old newborn.. It makes me feel really ignored, hurt and insecure. As many women know, having a baby wreaks havoc on you emotionally, your body changes and needs to recover, you are adjusting to life as a new mother - it's a very hard time.

I am obviously going to talk to him when he gets home but I have just been ignoring him for like 2 days because I keep crying and feel hurt, angry, confused..

Thanks for any suggestions or opinions on this


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## TAMNewb

If he truly hadn't been to a bar since you got married, he was probably caught up in the fun of being around friends in a party atmosphere. I can see being upset, but think you may be taking it a bit far.

After having kids, it's hard on moms and dads alike and it strips you of what used to be normal and distances you from friends. He probably just cut loose for a night and enjoyed having time for himself. You should do the same every now and then.


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## richie33

Husband sounds like he deserves the benefit of a doubt. By your own account he sounds like a stand up type of man. Don't judge him on things others have done. Take a deep breath and get a hold of yourself.


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## mariemount12

So when I goto the brides bachelorette out of town in 2 weeks, I should just get really drunk, have a great time and not even worry about calling and texting him at all? Just go party and call him the next morning at 10am.
Every fibre of my being just doesn't feel that is right?????? Even if he and I both are perfect Angels.. I just don't understand why I couldn't send a drunken, "I'm home stumbling to bed now honey" .. I really honestly cannot wrap my head around not being able to do that / or expect that in return....


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## richardsharpe

Good evening
I completely agree with your being upset that he didn't call until late the next morning.

If he doesn't normally drink, Its possible that he got himself completely passing out drunk, but that still is really unacceptable behavior. If he were very drunk he might not have been able to figure out other ways to contact you.

Its not that difficult to turn down drinks at bars. I've gone to bars with friends a number of times and I don't drink. Just order an orange juice, or diet coke or something. The barman is not going to look at you funny. If your friends don't accept your lack of drinking, you need new friends.


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## *Deidre*

Don't really understand the need for some men to have these wild and crazy bachelor parties...I have a few friends, and the bride and groom with all their friends, went for a night on the town to Vegas, and it was a blast. I like that idea of combining a fun night out for both the bachelor and bachelorette. 

I'd say that you should just calmly explain why it hurt you, and move on. And don't do the same thing back, when you go out for a bachelorette party. If you want a positive relationship, two wrongs will never make a right. I get why you are upset, but, calmly explain that you didn't appreciate it. Don't come across insecure and jealous...sounds like you married a good man, and sometimes good men make mistakes. This seems like an honest mistake, and he got caught up in the night, and probably went to sleep late, and called you when he woke up. If it happens again...then, it's not a mistake. Hope it works out.


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## mariemount12

He definitely would have been completely obliterated - along with all the guys I am sure. I mean, I'm 34 I have had many many drunken nights out in my day - but I have never ever not been able to text or call someone? Even being out hammered you obviously need to call for a taxi or something also... So I don't see what prevented him from contacting me. There was a land line at the house too, even if his cell was dead.





richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I completely agree with your being upset that he didn't call until late the next morning.
> 
> If he doesn't normally drink, Its possible that he got himself completely passing out drunk, but that still is really unacceptable behavior. If he were very drunk he might not have been able to figure out other ways to contact you.
> 
> Its not that difficult to turn down drinks at bars. I've gone to bars with friends a number of times and I don't drink. Just order an orange juice, or diet coke or something. The barman is not going to look at you funny. If your friends don't accept your lack of drinking, you need new friends.


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## Blondilocks

If you're breastfeeding, I can't recommend you getting drunk. The rest of your plan sounds good. It will do him good to be on the receiving end.


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## MrsAldi

@mariemount12 I can understand your situation, my husband goes away on these nights, honestly he sounds like a good guy, probably just got really drunk & forgot to charge his phone. 
Plus I'd say he was badly hungover the next day & texted you as soon as he got up & had remorse about not contacting you sooner. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Celes

I think you're way overreacting. Do you not believe his phone died? Has he given you any reason to doubt him? He has always been communicative in the past, seems a bit much to get so upset over this one time. And ignoring him for 2 days doesn't seem like a good way to resolve this either. He has already apologized profusely. Not sure what you're trying to accomplish by ignoring him. Other than teaching him a lesson. Which sounds petty to me.


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## Blondilocks

"Which sounds petty to me." It wouldn't sound petty to you if you were the one sitting at home with a ten week old baby. Cut her some slack. She's sitting in Canada with her baby and her hormones and he's sitting in Tampa, Florida with his buds and booze and golf. If anyone needs a 4 day vacation, it's her.


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## richie33

Is this more about him not calling or him going away while you are at home with a 10 week old? You can be disappointed and you are in the right to express that to him. But if he is as you yourself describe a good, honest man how far do you want to take this? What do you want him to do now about? He has apologized, you either accept it or don't.
Yes, you should go in a few weeks to your friends thing and have a great time...give him a taste of his own medicine. After being pregnant and now a newborn you deserve it.


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## MattMatt

Tell him you were hurt and worried. And explain why.

And do not seek revenge.


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## knobcreek

Bachelor parties get absolutely insane, it's easy to lose track. But honestly out of every bachelor party I've been to I've NEVER seen a married man cheat on his wife with a stripper or another woman during the night. I've even seen a lot of married guys step out of the house or go to a bar while the stripper comes in. The single guys sure, they lose their sh*t completely. But overall it isn't a night where men just bang strippers and hookers, it's more about male bonding than anything else. I wouldn't worry about it, you sound like you two are in a good place.


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## happy as a clam

mariemount12 said:


> I just don't understand why I couldn't send a drunken, "I'm home stumbling to bed now honey" .. I really honestly cannot wrap my head around not being able to do that / or expect that in return....


Even if he HAD sent you a message like that, it would prove nothing. He could have still been in a hotel room surrounded by strippers.

He sounds like a trustworthy guy. No, you should not get drunk and stay out all night. Get over your own insecurities and stop projecting movie scenes from "The Bachelor" onto him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imtamnew

Check the phone bill to know if phone was really dead or not.
If he made any call or message his alibi fails.


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## aine

I am married female with kids and know exactly where your are coming from. However, with the benefit of many years of marriage and ups and downs I do think you are overreacting. 
You should remain calm when he is home, explain to him why you feel the way you do, he will probably apologize and then kiss him and make up. It is good you are setting the parameters for your marriage now, he will know that going away without contacting you is a no no, leave it at that.


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## unbelievable

The man has never given you any reason to suspect he was cheating. He went out of town for a bachelor party and he was even the best man. He was supposed to stop mid-party and check in with the wife? He's just married. He isn't a steer. Here or there, if the guy wants to fool around on you he can and will. If you want to increase the odds that he won't, treat him with the respect a grown man deserves. He wasn't out of touch for days or weeks. It was a few hours. Would you honestly really rather have a man who was too timid to go out of town for fear of pissing off the wife? Would you rather have a man who couldn't exist on this earth 5 hours without checking in with you? Let the guy be a guy.


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## frusdil

I think you're overreacting too OP. Can you imagine what it would be like for a grown man to have ask to use a mate's phone, so he can check in with wifey? C'mon...

YES he stuffed up, but throwing a tanty and ignoring him for 2 days isn't the most mature way to handle it. I think you've already given him a taste of his own medicine.

I do understand why you're upset, and I agree that he should have made sure he was always reachable, especially because of the baby. But that doesn't mean you're not overreacting. It was one night. If he started doing this regularly that would be a whole different thing.


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## mariemount12

happy as a clam said:


> Even if he HAD sent you a message like that, it would prove nothing. He could have still been in a hotel room surrounded by strippers.
> 
> He sounds like a trustworthy guy. No, you should not get drunk and stay out all night. Get over your own insecurities and stop projecting movie scenes from "The Bachelor" onto him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do 100% agree with this, if my husband wanted to cheat on me he could very well text me the entire night in the middle of his cheating antics. Or cheat and call me at the end of the night and say he loves and misses me.

However, this is just something we have always done for each other! Not just me. My husband wants and requests that I also keep in touch with him on a girls night out. He is not comfortable with the bar scene - why would he be? He doesn't want his wife being hit on by drunk guys?
It has always been a mutual respect in our marriage that we always text each other at least once during our evening and then ofcourse to say we got home to bed safe. 99% of the time we aren't even sleeping away from each other, but in the event of a once in a year type of event like a business trip or bachelor/bachelorette party, we always do this for each other.


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## mariemount12

frusdil said:


> I think you're overreacting too OP. Can you imagine what it would be like for a grown man to have ask to use a mate's phone, so he can check in with wifey? C'mon...
> 
> YES he stuffed up, but throwing a tanty and ignoring him for 2 days isn't the most mature way to handle it. I think you've already given him a taste of his own medicine.
> 
> I do understand why you're upset, and I agree that he should have made sure he was always reachable, especially because of the baby. But that doesn't mean you're not overreacting. It was one night. If he started doing this regularly that would be a whole different thing.


I only ignored him because I was hurt - I was processing my emotions over this whole ordeal. This is a big issue for me. If in a relationship there is that ONE thing - for husband or wife that bothers them, or it's a huge insecurity, it's a known "thing" to both spouses - when that "thing" happens, and that person's fear/insecurity/issue comes up - why wouldn't I be upset????

Like I said, this isn't the first bachelor party my husband has been on. He has been to 4 (close best friends) in our entire relationship. Never had any issues like this. He always made me feel secure and had no problem calling or texting. He also was very very drunk, being drunk doesn't mean you lose all mobility in your hands to use your cell phone.

He also KNOWS my insecurity over the whole "out of town" thing. In our entire relationship he has only had to stay out of town a handful of times (1-2 times on business) and maybe 1-2 times on a bachelor party or trip.
Never once broke my trust or made me insecure or reason to worry. He has known this is a "thing" for me. He respects that it makes me uncomfortable. He always calls and texts.. I don't blow his phone up the entire time... I usually sit back and allow him to text or call me freely - which he does. He wants to make me feel secure. Which is why this bachelor party night is completely out of character, not in his past behaviour and goes against everything that he knows my boundaries are.


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## Haiku

Try not to make a chicken out of a feather.


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## mariemount12

unbelievable said:


> The man has never given you any reason to suspect he was cheating. He went out of town for a bachelor party and he was even the best man. He was supposed to stop mid-party and check in with the wife? He's just married. He isn't a steer. Here or there, if the guy wants to fool around on you he can and will. If you want to increase the odds that he won't, treat him with the respect a grown man deserves. He wasn't out of touch for days or weeks. It was a few hours. Would you honestly really rather have a man who was too timid to go out of town for fear of pissing off the wife? Would you rather have a man who couldn't exist on this earth 5 hours without checking in with you? Let the guy be a guy.


My husband has called/texted and "checked in" with me on many many nights out of his OWN free will. You make it sound like I am a prison gaurd and require him to do this. I don't even call/text him while he is gone. He checks in with me because he WANTS to.
He respects that the own of town trip is an insecurity for me. I have communicated many times in the past that this is an insecurity of mine because I have heard way too many stories, witness way too much shady behaviour from married men, I personally myself have been hit on by married men who try to hide their wedding rings in their pockets. It is disgusting!

Why wouldn't any woman have a bit of that fear in her, when so many married men ruin it for others? This is a bit of a trust issue of mine. Not towards my husband personally, which is why he is so understanding towards it. He doesn't make me feel bad that I have this insecurity. He does completely agree that not all men are wired the same and some bad apples ruin it for the others. 

My husband and I are both very similar as well. We love and trust each other - but we both have this bit of fear over losing each other. Maybe we both care that much. Before I had our baby, I used to go out about once a month dancing with my gf's. I would always call, text and return home to my husband at the end of the night. I would often come home a little tispy and jump his bones at the end of the night, so he loved that part lol.

My husband ALWAYS called/texted me the entire night, I never took it as "checking up" on me, like he didn't trust me. He loves me, he just feels a little insecure sometimes that other men are hitting on me. He sometimes would get upset me with if there was a 2-3 hour span of no texting!! lol... I would have to explain to him that girls can easily kill 2-3 hours dancing in a bar and laughing and being girls - it doesn't mean that I'm so busy chatting with guys in the bar all night.

So this is an "us" issue. We both have always had boundaries over this issue. I'm shocked he dropped the ball and I am hurt.


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## mariemount12

im_tam said:


> Check the phone bill to know if phone was really dead or not.
> If he made any call or message his alibi fails.


I do trust him enough that I do not feel I need to go to this extent. So that is a good I suppose.
I do believe his phone was not charged - I'm just confused and insecure over why did he not charge his phone at some point - even when he stumbled in for the evening. There was also a land line if he wanted to call on.


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## mariemount12

aine said:


> I am married female with kids and know exactly where your are coming from. However, with the benefit of many years of marriage and ups and downs I do think you are overreacting.
> You should remain calm when he is home, explain to him why you feel the way you do, he will probably apologize and then kiss him and make up. It is good you are setting the parameters for your marriage now, he will know that going away without contacting you is a no no, leave it at that.


*sigh* He does know going away without contacting me is a no no.
That is why this is upsetting. He knows my boundaries.


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## samyeagar

Of course you are entitled to your own feelings, and it is understandable to feel hurt in this situation. The fact that it is so out of character for him makes it even more shocking. Think about that for a second...out of character... As you describe your relationship here, two days silent treatment, shutting down all lines of communication, any chance for understanding, seems to be a very over the top, extreme reaction. Is this reaction out of character for you? Are there underlying insecurities at play here? It just feels like there are some pieces to this story missing here...


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## alexm

mariemount12 said:


> However, this is just something we have always done for each other! Not just me. *My husband wants and requests that I also keep in touch with him on a girls night out. He is not comfortable with the bar scene - why would he be? He doesn't want his wife being hit on by drunk guys?*


If he's anything like me, he's more concerned with your safety than anything - and it sounds like you feel the same way about him.

You can't stop each other from getting hit on (hell, even if you were THERE with him, you couldn't, and vice versa).

For me, I just want to know my wife arrived at wherever it is she's going to, and that she's left safely. While she's there, I'd rather she have fun and not have to worry about things like checking in. I'm not _opposed_ to checking in, if that's what both people want/require, but not constantly.

The thing is, you guys have set a precedent, so when it veers away from that precedent, it's uncomfortable. He SHOULD have checked in, because that's what he's always done, but it's also not something you have to hold a grudge about, or especially seek revenge for - that's immature.


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## mariemount12

TAMNewb said:


> If he truly hadn't been to a bar since you got married, he was probably caught up in the fun of being around friends in a party atmosphere. I can see being upset, but think you may be taking it a bit far.
> 
> After having kids, it's hard on moms and dads alike and it strips you of what used to be normal and distances you from friends. He probably just cut loose for a night and enjoyed having time for himself. You should do the same every now and then.


This is not a fair statement, he sees his buddies ALL THE TIME. They all come up to our cottage and they all get drunk together - they go golfing, they come over to the house and hang out and drink.
I myself have a newborn baby and was pregnant for 9 months. I do nothing except try and get sleep and eat properly. I am lucky if I get out to have a hair appointment.
My life has done a 180 since becoming a mother, his has remained the same.
So please don't go there.


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## mariemount12

samyeagar said:


> Of course you are entitled to your own feelings, and it is understandable to feel hurt in this situation. The fact that it is so out of character for him makes it even more shocking. Think about that for a second...out of character... As you describe your relationship here, two days silent treatment, shutting down all lines of communication, any chance for understanding, seems to be a very over the top, extreme reaction. Is this reaction out of character for you? Are there underlying insecurities at play here? It just feels like there are some pieces to this story missing here...


Not at all, he knows this is my "thing" - He knows he screwed up.
He knows my boundaries and knows he crossed them.
He feels terrible.. He agrees I have a right to be upset with him. He feels awful.


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## samyeagar

mariemount12 said:


> My husband has called/texted and "checked in" with me on many many nights out of his OWN free will. You make it sound like I am a prison gaurd and require him to do this. I don't even call/text him while he is gone. He checks in with me because he WANTS to.
> He respects that the own of town trip is an insecurity for me. I have communicated many times in the past that this is an insecurity of mine because *I have heard way too many stories, witness way too much shady behaviour from married men, I personally myself have been hit on by married men who try to hide their wedding rings in their pockets. It is disgusting!*
> 
> Why wouldn't any woman have a bit of that fear in her, when so many married men ruin it for others? This is a bit of a trust issue of mine. Not towards my husband personally, which is why he is so understanding towards it. He doesn't make me feel bad that I have this insecurity. He does completely agree that not all men are wired the same and some bad apples ruin it for the others.
> 
> My husband and I are both very similar as well. We love and trust each other - but we both have this bit of fear over losing each other. Maybe we both care that much. Before I had our baby, I used to go out about once a month dancing with my gf's. I would always call, text and return home to my husband at the end of the night. I would often come home a little tispy and jump his bones at the end of the night, so he loved that part lol.
> 
> My husband ALWAYS called/texted me the entire night, I never took it as "checking up" on me, like he didn't trust me. He loves me, he just feels a little insecure sometimes that other men are hitting on me. He sometimes would get upset me with if there was a 2-3 hour span of no texting!! lol... I would have to explain to him that girls can easily kill 2-3 hours dancing in a bar and laughing and being girls - it doesn't mean that I'm so busy chatting with guys in the bar all night.
> 
> So this is an "us" issue. We both have always had boundaries over this issue. I'm shocked he dropped the ball and I am hurt.


At the risk of derailing the thread, it's not just the men who do this. Plenty of married women out on their girls nights hide their hand, or remove their rings...makes it a bit easier to get the free drinks from the guys who are dumb enough to buy them for them.


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## mariemount12

alexm said:


> If he's anything like me, he's more concerned with your safety than anything - and it sounds like you feel the same way about him.
> 
> You can't stop each other from getting hit on (hell, even if you were THERE with him, you couldn't, and vice versa).
> 
> For me, I just want to know my wife arrived at wherever it is she's going to, and that she's left safely. While she's there, I'd rather she have fun and not have to worry about things like checking in. I'm not _opposed_ to checking in, if that's what both people want/require, but not constantly.
> 
> The thing is, you guys have set a precedent, so when it veers away from that precedent, it's uncomfortable. He SHOULD have checked in, because that's what he's always done, but it's also not something you have to hold a grudge about, or especially seek revenge for - that's immature.



For sure, he feels a lot of what you have mentioned. He also does feel guys hitting on me makes him uncomfortable. He has said this himself.
We definitely have set a precedent. We both have willingly done this and never had any issues in the past. We have both been away at least a few times in our relationship, with no issues either way.

I have never dropped the ball. He just did - terrible timing as well. I'm stuck at home with a 2 month old and just went through the most life changing event of my entire life - emotionally, physically - no words can describe and only women will understand what I am talking about.


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## alexm

unbelievable said:


> *treat him with the respect a grown man deserves.* He wasn't out of touch for days or weeks. It was a few hours. Would you honestly really rather have a man who was too timid to go out of town for fear of pissing off the wife? Would you rather have a man who couldn't exist on this earth 5 hours without checking in with you? Let the guy be a guy.


This is the fine line we guys have to contend with on a fairly regular basis, IMO. It's a real balancing act, between dependent and independent, and it's often a no-win situation.

My ex wife was one of those "check in with me at all times" kind of people - and that was okay. I didn't mind. But I am positive it played at least a small role in how she viewed me over the years, and ultimately lost respect for me as a man.

What I found with her (and this is not true of all women, of course, but it IS a stereotype) is that she WANTED me to be a "yes dear" type, to exert a certain level of control over me - and I allowed that. Happy wife = happy life.

Well - no. What it DID do was put her in a higher position than me in her mind, and that's ultimately unattractive to many people. I no longer posed any sort of challenge to her, and that's not really what anybody wants - man OR woman. So she really DIDN'T want me to be that guy.

My wife gives me this independence, and honestly, she expects it in return, too. But it's really only words, as we DO both check in with each other, etc. - but not constantly, not 2 or 3 times a night, and not the instant we have a free second to do so, either.


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## samyeagar

mariemount12 said:


> Not at all, he knows this is my "thing" - He knows he screwed up.
> He knows my boundaries and knows he crossed them.
> He feels terrible.. He agrees I have a right to be upset with him. He feels awful.


The thing is, the silent treatment, especially over a significant length of time, which two days is excessive, and even more especially when the recipient has a true, genuine, and honest desire to talk about things, to be constructive, to work on correcting the issue...that is abusive, emotionally manipulative, and very controlling...it is out of character for you, you will likely get the results you are after, but you need to make damned sure that does not become your character. Silent treatment can utterly destroy an otherwise good relationship in a hurry.


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## mariemount12

samyeagar said:


> At the risk of derailing the thread, it's not just the men who do this. Plenty of married women out on their girls nights hide their hand, or remove their rings...makes it a bit easier to get the free drinks from the guys who are dumb enough to buy them for them.


Very true. If my husband had the insecurity or fear to the extent that I do about this, why on earth would I go out one night and get blackout drunk and ignore him for an entire night and not call to say I got home to bed safely??? Knowing this was an issue for him, why on earth would I ever allow myself to do that to him?


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## alexm

mariemount12 said:


> For sure, he feels a lot of what you have mentioned. He also does feel guys hitting on me makes him uncomfortable. He has said this himself.
> We definitely have set a precedent. We both have willingly done this and never had any issues in the past. We have both been away at least a few times in our relationship, with no issues either way.
> 
> I have never dropped the ball. He just did - terrible timing as well. I'm stuck at home with a 2 month old and just went through the most life changing event of my entire life - emotionally, physically - no words can describe and only women will understand what I am talking about.


Our spouses getting hit on doesn't make most people comfortable, but you can't stop it from happening, sometimes even when you're there with them. Keeping in touch with your spouse while they're out won't stop it from happening.

Did he drop the ball? I don't know, perhaps. But to be fair, you were sitting at home waiting for, and expecting him to call or text you, and he didn't, so things are amplified. Like I said before, you two have set a precedent for this - which is fine - but it's become an expectation, and one that, if not followed through on, angers you. That's not healthy, nor fair, IMO.

I'm not taking his side, however some leeway should be granted here, IMO. 3 out of 4 nights he made sure to contact you. He contacted you during the day of that 4th night, correct? His reasoning for not doing so that one night was that his phone died. That's a viable excuse. Asking to use your buddies phone to call your wife while you're out at a bachelor party is an option, but it's not REALLY an option, if you know what I mean.

As for having a 2 month old at home, I get it, but I think you're using that as an excuse, too. I'm not sure you'd be any less unhappy with him about this if there wasn't a baby at home with you. Besides, you agreed to him going on this trip, knowing you'd be at home with a baby for 4 days. A phone call or a few texts isn't going to do anything to relieve any of your duties during this time. Don't use that against him, or as a guilt trip towards him - that's totally unfair. This is what being a parent is about - adapting. There will be times when one (or even both) parents are not with the baby, sometimes for extended periods.


----------



## mariemount12

samyeagar said:


> The thing is, the silent treatment, especially over a significant length of time, which two days is excessive, and even more especially when the recipient has a true, genuine, and honest desire to talk about things, to be constructive, to work on correcting the issue...that is abusive, emotionally manipulative, and very controlling...it is out of character for you, you will likely get the results you are after, but you need to make damned sure that does not become your character. Silent treatment can utterly destroy an otherwise good relationship in a hurry.


I left out the part that my daughter and I were with his mother and sister all day. We had a girl's day and they could tell I was crying because my eyes were all puffy. They asked how the boys night/day was going and I said I had not heard from him all night. They were equally as shocked and felt bad for me. We had some good chats, they tried to reassure me. When my husband couldn't get a hold of me, he had talked to his mom and sister and saw pictures of our daughter at the house - he knew we were there and knew we were ok. He knew I was upset and that would be why I wouldn't want to talk. His mom had mentioned to him that I was really hurt (not angry) but hurt and needed time to gather my thoughts. I also did not think discussing this over the phone while he is there with a roomful of guys at a bachelor party is the best time.
If he did not know we were fine, I wouldn't just ignore him. It was only because he knew where I was and who I was with and that I was upset.


----------



## mariemount12

samyeagar said:


> The thing is, the silent treatment, especially over a significant length of time, which two days is excessive, and even more especially when the recipient has a true, genuine, and honest desire to talk about things, to be constructive, to work on correcting the issue...that is abusive, emotionally manipulative, and very controlling...it is out of character for you, you will likely get the results you are after, but you need to make damned sure that does not become your character. Silent treatment can utterly destroy an otherwise good relationship in a hurry.


So does crossing your spouse's KNOWN boundaries...


----------



## mariemount12

alexm said:


> Our spouses getting hit on doesn't make most people comfortable, but you can't stop it from happening, sometimes even when you're there with them. Keeping in touch with your spouse while they're out won't stop it from happening.
> 
> Did he drop the ball? I don't know, perhaps. But to be fair, you were sitting at home waiting for, and expecting him to call or text you, and he didn't, so things are amplified. Like I said before, you two have set a precedent for this - which is fine - but it's become an expectation, and one that, if not followed through on, angers you. That's not healthy, nor fair, IMO.
> 
> I'm not taking his side, however some leeway should be granted here, IMO. 3 out of 4 nights he made sure to contact you. He contacted you during the day of that 4th night, correct? His reasoning for not doing so that one night was that his phone died. That's a viable excuse. Asking to use your buddies phone to call your wife while you're out at a bachelor party is an option, but it's not REALLY an option, if you know what I mean.
> 
> As for having a 2 month old at home, I get it, but I think you're using that as an excuse, too. I'm not sure you'd be any less unhappy with him about this if there wasn't a baby at home with you. Besides, you agreed to him going on this trip, knowing you'd be at home with a baby for 4 days. A phone call or a few texts isn't going to do anything to relieve any of your duties during this time. Don't use that against him, or as a guilt trip towards him - that's totally unfair. This is what being a parent is about - adapting. There will be times when one (or even both) parents are not with the baby, sometimes for extended periods.


I would be equally as upset if he did this when we did not have a 2 month old.
If I wanted to use that as an excuse I could have made sure he did not even go on this out of town bachelor party. I am a reasonable person - Just because we have a 2 month old and it is a huge adjustment in our lives - I don't feel he needed to miss out on a good time for his best friend. I feel that was pretty damn selfless of me actually. I am sure many women would have used the "we have a 2 month old and I am exhausted and you're going to go out of town and drink your face off and get lap dances?" I think not buddy lol..

I'm pissed that I was a trusting, laid back wife - while I hold down the fort and this is how he repays me.
Awesome.


----------



## SunnyT

mariemount12 said:


> Not at all, he knows this is my "thing" - He knows he screwed up.
> He knows my boundaries and knows he crossed them.
> He feels terrible.. He agrees I have a right to be upset with him. He feels awful.


Then you've won. Call it over. Take a breath and continue with life, marriage, etc...


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## mariemount12

Actually the more I talk this out, I am still upset and I know why. I am upset that he crossed my boundaries, that he KNOWS is my boundary.
That is a ****ty feeling. When you love someone and you say to them, please do not ever do (blank) and that person does it - it really hurts.
It sends the message that your concerns and feelings mean **** to me.

That is simply why, I really honestly feel hurt. If I can say to my husband, please don't ever do this to me - and he goes and does it. What is left? The boundary is crossed - he has already shown that he can't be expected to withhold my boundary when he is drunk and out of town.

This sucks.


----------



## samyeagar

mariemount12 said:


> So does crossing your spouse's KNOWN boundaries...


The big difference here is that he did not have intent. You did. He did not intentionally hurt you. You are intentionally hurting him...he didn't call or text, so you're going to make him pay, you're going to show him...

He knows he screwed up, let you down, didn't follow through, crossed one of your strictest boundaries. He has been trying to make amends, trying to communicate, and you are intentionally shutting him down. Intentionally hurting him, punishing him. He is your partner, your equal, not your child.

Yes, he needs to be reminded how vitally important this is to you, but again, you are partners, not adversaries. Reminding through punishment may get the results you want, but from a position of fear rather than understanding and respect. He loves you, he cares about you, he respects you

I understand that I am sounding harsh, but I really think you need to be wide aware to the real gravity of how this situation has evolved, the dynamics at play here, and you and your husband need to make every effort that this isolated dynamic never happens again, because it can and does destroy marriages.


----------



## alexm

mariemount12 said:


> My husband has called/texted and "checked in" with me on many many nights out of his OWN free will. *You make it sound like I am a prison gaurd and require him to do this*. I don't even call/text him while he is gone. He checks in with me because he WANTS to.
> 
> *But you do, inadvertently. Otherwise you wouldn't be mad at him right now. So if you've never actually TOLD him to check in with you in the past - you basically just did now. All those years of him doing it of his own free will - gone. Now he knows what the consequences are if he doesn't.*
> 
> He respects that the own of town trip is an insecurity for me. I have communicated many times in the past that this is an insecurity of mine because I have heard way too many stories, witness way too much shady behaviour from married men, I personally myself have been hit on by married men who try to hide their wedding rings in their pockets. It is disgusting!
> 
> *It is disgusting, but there's nothing you can do about it. It will continue to happen, phone calls and texts or not. It will happen when you go to grocery store, or to work, or you're just walking down the street. It will happen if you're wearing a shirt that says "f*** off, I'm married".*
> 
> Why wouldn't any woman have a bit of that fear in her, when so many married men ruin it for others? This is a bit of a trust issue of mine. Not towards my husband personally, which is why he is so understanding towards it. He doesn't make me feel bad that I have this insecurity. He does completely agree that not all men are wired the same and some bad apples ruin it for the others.
> 
> *Well, yes it is. If you trust your husband completely, then this is a non-issue and you wouldn't be insecure about any of this, at all.*
> 
> My husband and I are both very similar as well. We love and trust each other - but we both have this bit of fear over losing each other. Maybe we both care that much. Before I had our baby, I used to go out about once a month dancing with my gf's. I would always call, text and return home to my husband at the end of the night. I would often come home a little tispy and jump his bones at the end of the night, so he loved that part lol.
> 
> *It's dependence - and that's okay, to a certain extent, but can also get unhealthy quickly. Your spouse and children absolutely should be #1, but everybody also requires a #2 and a #3 (whether those be people or hobbies) and also the freedom to occasionally enjoy them as such.*
> 
> My husband ALWAYS called/texted me the entire night, I never took it as "checking up" on me, like he didn't trust me. He loves me, he just feels a little insecure sometimes that other men are hitting on me. He sometimes would get upset me with if there was a 2-3 hour span of no texting!! lol... I would have to explain to him that girls can easily kill 2-3 hours dancing in a bar and laughing and being girls - it doesn't mean that I'm so busy chatting with guys in the bar all night.
> 
> So this is an "us" issue. We both have always had boundaries over this issue. I'm shocked he dropped the ball and I am hurt.


With all fairness to you and your husband, perhaps he genuinely wanted a night to himself, without checking in, without stressing and worrying about you or the baby, and just to let go and have a good time with his buddies. In my (and most others) opinion, that is important in a marriage - provided it's done in moderation.

The gist of my entire stance on this is that yes, he screwed up. There's been a precedence set for your entire relationship, and a certain expectation that he did not follow through with. You have a right to be upset about this.

The problem with your reaction now, is that what has historically been a voluntary thing to do on his and your part, is no longer. Your reaction to him has essentially told him he now HAS to do this going forward, forever.


----------



## Wolf1974

My opinion you Either believe him or you don't. If he couldn't make the call/text then he couldn't make it. He made a mistake didn't do something intentional. When someone makes a mistake you need to acknowledge it of course, but you can't punish them for it. We all make mistakes and when you make one down the road I bet you will want a little understanding from him as well. Guess my point is make clear what the expectations are, that you were disappointed and hurt, then drop it. If you keep at it you will come accross as controlling and unforgiving.


----------



## mariemount12

samyeagar said:


> The big difference here is that he did not have intent. You did. He did not intentionally hurt you. You are intentionally hurting him...he didn't call or text, so you're going to make him pay, you're going to show him...
> 
> He knows he screwed up, let you down, didn't follow through, crossed one of your strictest boundaries. He has been trying to make amends, trying to communicate, and you are intentionally shutting him down. Intentionally hurting him, punishing him. He is your partner, your equal, not your child.
> 
> Yes, he needs to be reminded how vitally important this is to you, but again, you are partners, not adversaries. Reminding through punishment may get the results you want, but from a position of fear rather than understanding and respect. He loves you, he cares about you, he respects you
> 
> I understand that I am sounding harsh, but I really think you need to be wide aware to the real gravity of how this situation has evolved, the dynamics at play here, and you and your husband need to make every effort that this isolated dynamic never happens again, because it can and does destroy marriages.



It is not an ideal situation for my husband to upset me while he is away on a bachelor party on night 3 of 4 - If it was an issue that we could talk about right away together in person, ofcourse that is what we would do and have always done.
Since coming home he does not feel me ignoring him did any damage, he knows why I ignored him - for all of what you mentioned above. He effed up.

This incident would never happen again, I would leave my marriage if my husband *repeatedly* crossed my boundaries. I am a firm believer of having strong self respect. If someone shows you multiple times that they have no regard for your feelings or boundaries - I think that is grounds to leave.

If my husband had a boundary and I crossed it once, I would hope he would forgive me and move forward, like I ultimately will be doing in this situation. However, if I crossed his boundary again, I would expect he would leave me.
If he did not leave me, that completely sends the message that he is a door mat and has no self respect and basically I can get away with whatever I want.


----------



## unbelievable

mariemount12 said:


> My husband has called/texted and "checked in" with me on many many nights out of his OWN free will. You make it sound like I am a prison gaurd and require him to do this. I don't even call/text him while he is gone. He checks in with me because he WANTS to.
> He respects that the own of town trip is an insecurity for me. I have communicated many times in the past that this is an insecurity of mine because I have heard way too many stories, witness way too much shady behaviour from married men, I personally myself have been hit on by married men who try to hide their wedding rings in their pockets. It is disgusting!
> 
> Why wouldn't any woman have a bit of that fear in her, when so many married men ruin it for others? This is a bit of a trust issue of mine. Not towards my husband personally, which is why he is so understanding towards it. He doesn't make me feel bad that I have this insecurity. He does completely agree that not all men are wired the same and some bad apples ruin it for the others.
> 
> My husband and I are both very similar as well. We love and trust each other - but we both have this bit of fear over losing each other. Maybe we both care that much. Before I had our baby, I used to go out about once a month dancing with my gf's. I would always call, text and return home to my husband at the end of the night. I would often come home a little tispy and jump his bones at the end of the night, so he loved that part lol.
> 
> My husband ALWAYS called/texted me the entire night, I never took it as "checking up" on me, like he didn't trust me. He loves me, he just feels a little insecure sometimes that other men are hitting on me. He sometimes would get upset me with if there was a 2-3 hour span of no texting!! lol... I would have to explain to him that girls can easily kill 2-3 hours dancing in a bar and laughing and being girls - it doesn't mean that I'm so busy chatting with guys in the bar all night.
> 
> So this is an "us" issue. We both have always had boundaries over this issue. I'm shocked he dropped the ball and I am hurt.


The man has been trying to text you but you are deliberately ignoring his calls. You have absolutely no reason to believe or suspect that he deliberately chose to not call you (as you deliberately CHOSE to not accept his). Yes, he could have fooled around and so could you. You both will have opportunities to do so in your life. 

I'm a cop and been a soldier for decades. I work odd hours, never know for sure when I'm coming home. I might go to work, expecting to be gone for 8 hours and come home 3 days later. My wife knows that if I know I'll be late I'll call. She also knows that if her phone doesn't ring, it's not possible for me to call. I've had to be gone over a year at a time. The last thing I need is her imagining me nailing other women. I'll give her the same respect and assume she's being faithful to me until she gives me some very hard evidence that I can't trust her. 

Your guy typically checks in with you on his own free will but the one time he fails to do so for a few hours you get a case of the drawers but you don't think he has a warden? Why do you suspect that he's less your husband if he goes out of town? Does your hold over him involve two hearts and a commitment or a network of spies that work only when he's close to home? 

The world is full of dishonest low-lifes. That doesn't mean you married one. People shoplift. I don't and your husband probably doesn't. You will hear about child molesters, drug addicts, alcoholics, and all sorts of men with crappy characters. If that's what you married, the sooner he reveals his true self to you and you get shed of him the better off you will be. If you married a decent trustworthy guy then pat yourself on the back and treat him accordingly.


----------



## stephscarlett

samyeagar said:


> The big difference here is that he did not have intent. You did. He did not intentionally hurt you. You are intentionally hurting him...


If you're crossing known boundaries believe me there is intent. It maybe is a fleeting thought of "maybe I shouldn't do this" but there is intent. No one goes into an affair meaning to hurt their spouse either, but they do. And the intent doesn't matter.
My opinion - married people don't go on 4 day parties where there is alcohol and hotels. They just don't. The checking in with you is beside the point. He could be screwing a hooker and still calling you. 
However, do not handle this in a manipulative way. You need to figure out how to handle it with dignity and grace. THEN, I suggest you read some John Gottman books TOGETHER - these talk about how married people should treat each other and he says the silent treatment is a manipulative tactic that causes trouble in marriages - its on of his "four horsemen." Crossing boundaries also is contempt. 
Bottom line - you guys need to communicate. Healthfully.


----------



## mariemount12

Wolf1974 said:


> My opinion you Either believe him or you don't. If he couldn't make the call/text then he couldn't make it. He made a mistake didn't do something intentional. When someone makes a mistake you need to acknowledge it of course, but you can't punish them for it. We all make mistakes and when you make one down the road I bet you will want a little understanding from him as well. Guess my point is make clear what the expectations are, that you were disappointed and hurt, then drop it. If you keep at it you will come accross as controlling and unforgiving.


I don't agree, maybe you all have different dynamics in your relationships. My husband is completely acknowledging my concerns over this. He is NOT flipping this on me in any way. "You don't trust me", "You are clingy", "You are over-reacting". No sorry, he agrees he screwed up. He knows this situation is something we BOTH have never done to each other, he agrees if I had done this to him he would be upset. He knows that I have an insecurity over out of town bachelor parties.

Minimizing someone else's feelings on how they feel, or telling them "you're over reacting" is NOT healthy either. I really hope those who have said that to me do NOT do that to your partners. Cause good luck with that, that is extremely unhealthy. 

Something that bothers husband, may not bother wife - and vice versa. You have to at least be considerate that you hurt your spouse even if you personally wouldn't be as upset if it was reversed.


----------



## cons

Well OP-

Hopefully you'll be able to look back at this situation and see the part you had to play... Sure- you were able to confirm your rightness in being offended, but, based on what you shared, a lot of damage was done in anger on your part...while your husband may have been disrespectful in stepping on your boundary....you showed so much disrespect toward him by cutting off any communications with him. (unfortunately this dynamic will linger into the next time either you or your husband once again confirm your humanness and do something that is not perfect)...a previous poster (I believe AlexM) spoke of intent...

While you husband DID overstep a boundary and hurt you....I read that it was not intentional....However, you need to examine your intent with the silent treatment..based on what you shared it was less about protecting your hurt feelings and more about punishment...


----------



## MachoMcCoy

mariemount12 said:


> Hello,
> I could really use some advice and opinions on this... My husband is the best man in his buddies wedding this August. The guys planned the grooms bachelor party out of town in Tampa for 4 days this weekend (we are from Canada).
> We just had a newborn baby, she is 10 weeks old, but I would never expect my husband not to plan or goto this event for his best friend.


I'm not reading past this. Yes, he got laid. It may have cost him some cash, but he got some strange.

Sorry.

Gals. Repeat after me: "No, you can't go to a strippers paradise for 4 days on a bachelor party. Sorry, find something a little cleaner."

Just like "no, honey, you are NOT going to Vegas for your friends bachelorette party for three days. If you do, I will be gone when you get back."

Come ON people!


----------



## mariemount12

unbelievable said:


> The man has been trying to text you but you are deliberately ignoring his calls. You have absolutely no reason to believe or suspect that he deliberately chose to not call you (as you deliberately CHOSE to not accept his). Yes, he could have fooled around and so could you. You both will have opportunities to do so in your life.
> 
> I'm a cop and been a soldier for decades. I work odd hours, never know for sure when I'm coming home. I might go to work, expecting to be gone for 8 hours and come home 3 days later. My wife knows that if I know I'll be late I'll call. She also knows that if her phone doesn't ring, it's not possible for me to call. I've had to be gone over a year at a time. The last thing I need is her imagining me nailing other women. I'll give her the same respect and assume she's being faithful to me until she gives me some very hard evidence that I can't trust her.
> 
> Your guy typically checks in with you on his own free will but the one time he fails to do so for a few hours you get a case of the drawers but you don't think he has a warden? Why do you suspect that he's less your husband if he goes out of town? Does your hold over him involve two hearts and a commitment or a network of spies that work only when he's close to home?
> 
> The world is full of dishonest low-lifes. That doesn't mean you married one. People shoplift. I don't and your husband probably doesn't. You will hear about child molesters, drug addicts, alcoholics, and all sorts of men with crappy characters. If that's what you married, the sooner he reveals his true self to you and you get shed of him the better off you will be. If you married a decent trustworthy guy then pat yourself on the back and treat him accordingly.



Ok that is fair - but for this specific insecurity of mine - Who are these married men that do cheat at bachelor parties?
Do they come with a label when they return that says "I missed my wife and kids but I did bang some woman drunk after the bar".
No ofcourse not.
Someone's husbands are doing this. Are those wives at home feeling like I am? Or are they trusting, loving wives that kiss their husband when he walks through the door after a bachelor party?

It does happen. I have 2 older brothers, I am 34 years old and have dated all kinds of "types" - including a police officer, which I won't go there lol. I don't believe you are ALL bad apples as many say.

I have obviously as a woman been the single girl around a bunch of men at a bachelor party. You don't think I could have slept with one of the married men at the bachelor party? I know 100% I could have lol. (My morals WOULD NEVER allow me to do that). Not all of them are bad. I am not saying that. Let's say out of 10 married men at a bachelor party, I will say that at least 1 or 2 of those married men WILL cheat on their wife.

Does that wife know? Or is she at home trusting him.


----------



## mariemount12

cons said:


> Well OP-
> 
> Hopefully you'll be able to look back at this situation and see the part you had to play... Sure- you were able to confirm your rightness in being offended, but, based on what you shared, a lot of damage was done in anger on your part...while your husband may have been disrespectful in stepping on your boundary....you showed so much disrespect toward him by cutting off any communications with him. (unfortunately this dynamic will linger into the next time either you or your husband once again confirm your humanness and do something that is not perfect)...a previous poster (I believe AlexM) spoke of intent...
> 
> While you husband DID overstep a boundary and hurt you....I read that it was not intentional....However, you need to examine your intent with the silent treatment..based on what you shared it was less about protecting your hurt feelings and more about punishment...



100% not. If I wanted to punish him, in 2 weeks when I go out of town for the bride's bachelorette I would return the favour of the wild drunken night with no text or call until 10am the next morning.
For one, I would not do that - I know that would be unhealthy and two, I won't even be able to go a few hours without checking in on our baby girl.


----------



## mariemount12

MachoMcCoy said:


> I'm not reading past this. Yes, he got laid. It may have cost him some cash, but he got some strange.
> 
> Sorry.
> 
> Gals. Repeat after me: "No, you can't go to a strippers paradise for 4 days on a bachelor party. Sorry, find something a little cleaner."
> 
> Just like "no, honey, you are NOT going to Vegas for your friends bachelorette party for three days. If you do, I will be gone when you get back."
> 
> Come ON people!


LOL.. This is exactly why I am even here writing this.
I know this is a possibility with any man that has a penis. 

No matter how much I love my husband, trust him, know he is a good guy. I think anyone is capable of anything at any time.
I do.


----------



## samyeagar

stephscarlett said:


> If you're crossing known boundaries believe me there is intent. It maybe is a fleeting thought of "maybe I shouldn't do this" but there is intent. No one goes into an affair meaning to hurt their spouse either, but they do. And the intent doesn't matter.
> *My opinion - married people don't go on 4 day parties where there is alcohol and hotels. They just don't.* The checking in with you is beside the point. He could be screwing a hooker and still calling you.
> However, do not handle this in a manipulative way. You need to figure out how to handle it with dignity and grace. THEN, I suggest you read some John Gottman books TOGETHER - these talk about how married people should treat each other and he says the silent treatment is a manipulative tactic that causes trouble in marriages - its on of his "four horsemen." Crossing boundaries also is contempt.
> Bottom line - you guys need to communicate. Healthfully.


This appears to be something that is established as OK within this relationship on an occasional basis. While neither my wife, nor I would be ok with this in our relationship, it is what works for them, and the advice here needs to take that into account.

I do disagree with your characterization of him intending to break this boundary however. It is not in dispute that he did, but intent would have been him thinking...I know my wife expects me to call, but I am purposely not going to do it. That is not what looks like happened. He did call her earlier in the evening, but did not check in until the next morning, where he was apologetic.


----------



## cons

Well... I guess it's better to be right than take care of the relationship


----------



## mariemount12

samyeagar said:


> This appears to be something that is established as OK within this relationship on an occasional basis. While neither my wife, nor I would be ok with this in our relationship, it is what works for them, and the advice here needs to take that into account.
> 
> I do disagree with your characterization of him intending to break this boundary however. It is not in dispute that he did, but intent would have been him thinking...I know my wife expects me to call, but I am purposely not going to do it. That is not what looks like happened. He did call her earlier in the evening, but did not check in until the next morning, where he was apologetic.


I agree I don't think he intentionally did not text/call. I think he either a) did have a dead cell phone, got drunk as a skunk and stumbled home and passed out - probably had a wicked hangover and woke up to my angry text at 8am and thought OMG did I really get that drunk

or b) he got so drunk, made a lot of bad decisions, perhaps cheated and got so side tracked (flirting with girls, blow jobs? lol I have no idea) and literally came home blackout drunk (with or without a girl?) and once she left text me at 10am to apologize

I will never effing know................... And I know a call/text could have meant he still did B - but it at least shows your partner you are thinking about them. period.


----------



## samyeagar

mariemount12 said:


> I agree I don't think he intentionally did not text/call. I think he either a) did have a dead cell phone, got drunk as a skunk and stumbled home and passed out - probably had a wicked hangover and woke up to my angry text at 8am and thought OMG did I really get that drunk
> 
> or b) *he got so drunk, made a lot of bad decisions, perhaps cheated and got so side tracked (flirting with girls, blow jobs? lol I have no idea) and literally came home blackout drunk (with or without a girl?) and once she left text me at 10am to apologize
> 
> I will never effing know*................... And I know a call/text could have meant he still did B - but it at least shows your partner you are thinking about them. period.


I think this is perhaps the most troubling thing you have said so far on this thread. You maintain the boundary of being OK with occasional weekends away, with the understanding of regular and frequent check ins. While his missed check in is the focal point here, given the apparent over reaction with the extended silent treatment, I am wondering if the check in is not the real issue. That there is an inherent mistrust of your husband...I know you say you trust him, but I think your reaction makes a whole lot more sense in the context of not trusting him to not mess around, than in the context of simply missing a check in.


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## Shoto1984

Marie the insecurities are your insecurities and a challenge for you to learn to overcome. You might have been hurt but he did not hurt you. The fact that he's playing along with his "checking in" thing is already above and beyond in my book. I don't mean to offend but it all comes off as being a bit immature.


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## Wolf1974

mariemount12 said:


> I don't agree, maybe you all have different dynamics in your relationships. My husband is completely acknowledging my concerns over this. He is NOT flipping this on me in any way. "You don't trust me", "You are clingy", "You are over-reacting". No sorry, he agrees he screwed up. He knows this situation is something we BOTH have never done to each other, he agrees if I had done this to him he would be upset. He knows that I have an insecurity over out of town bachelor parties.
> 
> Minimizing someone else's feelings on how they feel, or telling them "you're over reacting" is NOT healthy either. I really hope those who have said that to me do NOT do that to your partners. Cause good luck with that, that is extremely unhealthy.
> 
> Something that bothers husband, may not bother wife - and vice versa. You have to at least be considerate that you hurt your spouse even if you personally wouldn't be as upset if it was reversed.


Disagree if you wish just expressing an opinion good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mariemount12

samyeagar said:


> I think this is perhaps the most troubling thing you have said so far on this thread. You maintain the boundary of being OK with occasional weekends away, with the understanding of regular and frequent check ins. While his missed check in is the focal point here, given the apparent over reaction with the extended silent treatment, I am wondering if the check in is not the real issue. That there is an inherent mistrust of your husband...I know you say you trust him, but I think your reaction makes a whole lot more sense in the context of not trusting him to not mess around, than in the context of simply missing a check in.


I trust my husband enough to be ok with him going to a bachelor party out of town. Drinking with the guys, going to a strip club to embarass the groom, etc. As long as my husband is OPEN and HONEST about his evening and wouldn't just disappear for hours and not call at the end of his evening. By him not calling, that to me shows he has something to hide (in my mind).
If I found out he went to a strip club, but LIED about it, it would make me not trust him.
If my husband does not text or call the entire evening and passes out drunk, this does make me mis-trust him. What was he doing that he can't send a single goodnight text? I don't agree with the whole "I am too drunk". I'm 34, you don't think I haven't gotten blackout drunk? Ofcourse! I have never not been able to text or call someone to say goodnight, that is ridiculous.

I completely trust my husband at home - I don't call him all day, he goes to work, goes out after work if he needs to, has friends and extra curriculars, goes golfing, goes on fishing trips. I have NO ISSUES.

Why is it so hard to understand that if my husband is out drinking in another city/country, at a bar with drunk women everywhere, away from home from his wife - I don't TRUST THAT with ANY man. lol sorry!

Maybe I need counseling to get over this specific trust issue. I honestly wish I could wake up tomorrow and this would be out of my head - it has been emotionally exhausting.

I don't trust men away from home - period.
Yes that is my issue. My husband did something to fuel that insecurity and trust issue of mine. Now it's my problem


----------



## cons

mariemount12 said:


> *I trust my husband enough to be ok with him going to a bachelor party out of town.* Drinking with the guys, going to a strip club to embarass the groom, etc. As long as my husband is OPEN and HONEST about his evening and wouldn't just disappear for hours and not call at the end of his evening. By him not calling, that to me shows he has something to hide (in my mind).
> If I found out he went to a strip club, but LIED about it, it would make me not trust him.
> If my husband does not text or call the entire evening and passes out drunk, this does make me mis-trust him. What was he doing that he can't send a single goodnight text? I don't agree with the whole "I am too drunk". I'm 34, you don't think I haven't gotten blackout drunk? Ofcourse! I have never not been able to text or call someone to say goodnight, that is ridiculous.
> 
> I completely trust my husband at home - I don't call him all day, he goes to work, goes out after work if he needs to, has friends and extra curriculars, goes golfing, goes on fishing trips. I have NO ISSUES.
> 
> Why is it so hard to understand that if my husband is out drinking in another city/country, at a bar with drunk women everywhere, away from home from his wife - *I don't TRUST THAT with ANY man.* lol sorry!
> 
> Maybe I need counseling to get over this specific trust issue. I honestly wish I could wake up tomorrow and this would be out of my head - it has been emotionally exhausting.
> 
> I don't trust men away from home - period.
> Yes that is my issue. My husband did something to fuel that insecurity and trust issue of mine. Now it's my problem


You're contradicting yourself all over the place.... I hope you are able to read through your sarcasm and see the truth in your words....this lies with you...YOU are the one that can change this dynamic. Your placing blame on your husband as an impetus for your insecurities and expecting him to be responsible in managing what is yours.


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## samyeagar

mariemount12 said:


> I trust my husband enough to be ok with him going to a bachelor party out of town. Drinking with the guys, going to a strip club to embarass the groom, etc. As long as my husband is OPEN and HONEST about his evening and wouldn't just disappear for hours and not call at the end of his evening. By him not calling, that to me shows he has something to hide (in my mind).
> If I found out he went to a strip club, but LIED about it, it would make me not trust him.
> If my husband does not text or call the entire evening and passes out drunk, this does make me mis-trust him. What was he doing that he can't send a single goodnight text? I don't agree with the whole "I am too drunk". I'm 34, you don't think I haven't gotten blackout drunk? Ofcourse! I have never not been able to text or call someone to say goodnight, that is ridiculous.
> 
> I completely trust my husband at home - I don't call him all day, he goes to work, goes out after work if he needs to, has friends and extra curriculars, goes golfing, goes on fishing trips. I have NO ISSUES.
> 
> Why is it so hard to understand that if my husband is out drinking in another city/country, at a bar with drunk women everywhere, away from home from his wife -* I don't TRUST THAT with ANY man. lol sorry!*
> 
> Maybe I need counseling to get over this specific trust issue. I honestly wish I could wake up tomorrow and this would be out of my head - it has been emotionally exhausting.
> 
> *I don't trust men away from home - period.*
> Yes that is my issue. My husband did something to fuel that insecurity and trust issue of mine. Now it's my problem


Then why are you OK with this dynamic, and pretending to be OK with your husband going out without you when you clearly aren't? You yourself have stated that you acknowledge that he could still be doing all those other thing, even with his check ins, so really, all those check ins are are placebos. They allow you to bury your head in the sand and ignore your base insecurities. Perhaps it is time for you and your husband to revisit what is OK and not OK in your marriage, and take these trips that you both take away from each other off the table.


----------



## happy as a clam

mariemount12 said:


> We had a girl's day and *they could tell I was crying because my eyes were all puffy.* They asked how the boys night/day was going and I said I had not heard from him all night. *They were equally as shocked* and felt bad for me.


WAY overreaction in my my opinion.

Ok, look. You asked for our advice. We gave it to you. The majority of people feel you are overreacting and might want to dial it back a bit. Yet rather than taking our advice, you defend your original position to everyone. Which means you really don't want advice, you're just venting. Nothing wrong with that...

But I would suggest therapy to deal with your defensiveness and neediness/clinginess. Two sure-fire traits which bring strife into a relationship...


----------



## Hicks

You've only been married for a short time. From someone who has been married for a long time, I offer this advice.

It's essential that you develop a way to get over things your husband does that infuriate you.

It's marital cancer to worry about cheating within a good marriage.


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## happy as a clam

mariemount12 said:


> *I don't trust men away from home - period.*
> 
> Yes that is my issue. My husband did something to fuel that insecurity and trust issue of mine. Now it's my problem


I would hazard a guess that far more affairs begin IN-TOWN (co-workers, neighbors, business acquaintances, etc.).

You are correct -- this is your problem. So you should deal with it and stop torturing yourself and him .


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## badsanta

mariemount12 said:


> I do trust him enough that I do not feel I need to go to this extent. So that is a good I suppose.
> I do believe his phone was not charged - I'm just confused and insecure over why did he not charge his phone at some point - even when he stumbled in for the evening. There was also a land line if he wanted to call on.


Worst case scenario your husband got a few lap dances with some strippers and he is too ashamed to talk about it. If this is the case, details about the event will be vague and he may not want to talk about it. 

Best case scenario, he was having a good time with his friends and enjoying being independent for a while. Perhaps he just stopped thinking of you for a while. This is a healthy thing to do, and if that is the case he will be excited to tell you all the crazy stuff they did together. 

At the end of the day, regardless what happened, if you make him feel like he did something inappropriate, he will become way to ashamed to talk about it which will pervert his personality and undermine communication, OR he will get resentful and perhaps actually go out and do the things you blame him for since he feels like he will get blamed anyway. 

You can be honest and say you are really uncomfortable about things and ask him to help you deal with those feelings so that you can let go or perhaps talk about some things that need to be discussed.

Good luck, 
Badsanta


----------



## MrsAldi

mariemount12 said:


> I do trust him enough that I do not feel I need to go to this extent. So that is a good I suppose.
> I do believe his phone was not charged - I'm just confused and insecure over why did he not charge his phone at some point - even when he stumbled in for the evening. There was also a land line if he wanted to call on.


Because sometimes some people just forget, it wasn't on purpose, I think he was just drunk & forgot. 
My husband has done this, I just know from experience that he drinks too much with the guys. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Bibi1031

stephscarlett said:


> I suggest you read some John Gottman books TOGETHER - these talk about how married people should treat each other and he says the silent treatment is a manipulative tactic that causes trouble in marriages - its on of his "four horsemen." Crossing boundaries also is contempt.
> *Bottom line - you guys need to communicate. Healthfully.*


IMO this is something you need to work on or your marriage will be a disaster and won't last a healthy, happy lifetime.


----------



## alexm

mariemount12 said:


> Just because we have a 2 month old and it is a huge adjustment in our lives - I don't feel he needed to miss out on a good time for his best friend. I feel that was pretty damn selfless of me actually. I am sure many women would have used the "we have a 2 month old and I am exhausted and you're going to go out of town and drink your face off and get lap dances?" I think not buddy lol..





mariemount12 said:


> I am especially hurt that he would pull a stunt like this while I am home with our 10week old newborn.. It makes me feel really ignored, hurt and insecure. As many women know, having a baby wreaks havoc on you emotionally, your body changes and needs to recover, you are adjusting to life as a new mother - it's a very hard time.


Just saying. And not trying to pick on you, honestly.

There's also the "I'm not his warden" talk, and that he does this of his own free will, and that it's always been a thing both of you just "do", rather than being a rule - followed by him now crossing a boundary because he DIDN'T do it. Otherwise breaking a rule.

I UNDERSTAND where you're coming from, believe me. You DO have a right to be upset. I would be. However. This is literally the first time he's ever done this. He was in contact with you that day, and the following morning, as well as the other 3 days. His phone was dead. And more importantly - you trust him.


----------



## alexm

MachoMcCoy said:


> I'm not reading past this. Yes, he got laid. It may have cost him some cash, but he got some strange.
> 
> Sorry.
> 
> Gals. Repeat after me: "No, you can't go to a strippers paradise for 4 days on a bachelor party. Sorry, find something a little cleaner."
> 
> Just like "no, honey, you are NOT going to Vegas for your friends bachelorette party for three days. If you do, I will be gone when you get back."
> 
> Come ON people!


You really DO need to read past this...


----------



## alexm

samyeagar said:


> Then why are you OK with this dynamic, and pretending to be OK with your husband going out without you when you clearly aren't? You yourself have stated that you acknowledge that he could still be doing all those other thing, even with his check ins, so really, all those check ins are are placebos. They allow you to bury your head in the sand and ignore your base insecurities. Perhaps it is time for you and your husband to revisit what is OK and not OK in your marriage, and take these trips that you both take away from each other off the table.


^ This.

When my wife and I started dating, and really into the start of our marriage, she played herself off as "being cool" with things like not checking in, going out with the guys, etc. She didn't want to be "that" girl. I thought it was hilarious, personally. She wasn't nosy, she didn't ask "who's that?", she didn't snoop or otherwise get herself into my business in any way, shape or form. I appreciated the thought, but in actuality - I didn't like it.

There's a fine line, IMO. I wanted her to care about what I was up to, and yes, to worry about me. But I didn't want it to be like how things were with my ex wife.

We seem to have reached a compromise, the longer we've been together. She'll check in, and vice versa - but there's NO pressure to do so. It happens when it happens. My only "rule" is that if she's going somewhere that takes longer than an hour or two to get to, that she let me know she arrived, and ditto for when she's leaving and back on the road again.

I had a thread here a couple of years ago where I was absolutely lambasted for being upset my wife didn't let me know she arrived at her destination while gone for a weekend shopping trip. A 5 or 6 hour drive to some sketchy motel with a friend and her cousin. The majority of those replies painted me as some unreasonable animal of a man who needed to keep a leash on his wife. Most of the others attacked my insecurities, or implied I didn't trust her. And a few insinuated she was "obviously" hitting the bars and "getting some strange" and that I should totally snoop on her Facebook and hide a voice activated recorder in her car when she got home. Welcome to mother-frickin' TAM 

But we worked it out. Without the silent treatment, or getting revenge, or showing her how it feels to be on the other side of things. We worked it out like adults. Neither one of us has a leash on the other, but we understand each other now (myself included).


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## mariemount12

Thank you, you've actually been very helpful. I feel like you've said a lot of fair comments without attacking me.
There is 1 or 2 others that I feel have helped also. 
It is probably useless posting on a forum to Internet strangers - but I appreciate the responses either way.
This is my issue, I clearly do have a trust issue towards my husband. I agree him not calling would make a lot of women (or men) mad, but at the end of the day if I truely 100% trusted that was all that happened - this wouldn't be such an issue.

Sadly, this has opened a can of worms for me. I don't 100% trust him that nothing bad happened. I don't know whether it was as bad as getting laid or was it just something I would be pissed at like a lap dance or hanging out with single girls until wee hours of the night. I will never know either way....
Trust I understand is being able to say "Oh no my husband would never ever do that to me!"
I can't say that with confidence and that sucks.
Obviously I want my marriage to work, so I have no choice now but to go to individual therapy and work on learning to trust my husband.

I have been in 2 terrible relationships in my past. Engaged twice and they both lied, were controlling, cheated and hid things. I left both of them, I was never going to marry someone I did not trust.

I always trusted my husband, I married him and had a beautiful little girl. I had no idea this not calling me all night fiasco would spark the fact that I deep down don't trust men in general.

It sucks. And I am going to deal with it on my own.


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## mariemount12

My last message was for "AlexM" - sorry it didn't quote back to you for some reason on my phone


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## samyeagar

samyeagar said:


> Of course you are entitled to your own feelings, and it is understandable to feel hurt in this situation. The fact that it is so out of character for him makes it even more shocking. Think about that for a second...out of character... As you describe your relationship here, two days silent treatment, shutting down all lines of communication, any chance for understanding, seems to be a very over the top, extreme reaction. Is this reaction out of character for you? *Are there underlying insecurities at play here? It just feels like there are some pieces to this story missing here...*





mariemount12 said:


> Thank you, you've actually been very helpful. I feel like you've said a lot of fair comments without attacking me.
> There is 1 or 2 others that I feel have helped also.
> It is probably useless posting on a forum to Internet strangers - but I appreciate the responses either way.
> This is my issue, I clearly do have a trust issue towards my husband. I agree him not calling would make a lot of women (or men) mad, but at the end of the day if I truely 100% trusted that was all that happened - this wouldn't be such an issue.
> 
> Sadly, this has opened a can of worms for me. I don't 100% trust him that nothing bad happened. I don't know whether it was as bad as getting laid or was it just something I would be pissed at like a lap dance or hanging out with single girls until wee hours of the night. I will never know either way....
> Trust I understand is being able to say "Oh no my husband would never ever do that to me!"
> I can't say that with confidence and that sucks.
> Obviously I want my marriage to work, so I have no choice now but to go to individual therapy and work on learning to trust my husband.
> 
> I have been in 2 terrible relationships in my past. Engaged twice and they both lied, were controlling, cheated and hid things. I left both of them, I was never going to marry someone I did not trust.
> 
> I always trusted my husband, I married him and had a beautiful little girl. I had no idea this not calling me all night fiasco would spark the fact that I deep down don't trust men in general.
> 
> It sucks. And I am going to deal with it on my own.


And here are the missing pieces I was wondering about in my first post on this thread, that you denied were there. Now, I think there can be some very good advice to help you.


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## mariemount12

And here are the missing pieces I was wondering about in my first post on this thread, that you denied were there. Now, I think there can be some very good advice to help you.[/QUOTE]

Sorry didn't realize by missing pieces you meant my past - I was trying to keep it relevant to my husband. But trust issues can obviously carry on with someone, as it seems with me.

I actually went to therapy after and during both of those relationships. The therapy during, was basically helping me set boundaries - but the worst part about these two past relationships is that when I was in them, I did not find out about the cheating. I had suspicions, caught them in lies but no proof. That sick feeling in my gut but nothing concrete. I ended up leaving (because I was sick of the constant worry) and once I was left and gone, the truth came out (ex gfs messaged me, lies uncovered) and I realized the sack of crap men I wasted so long trying to forgive & trust, we're not trustworthy at all. 

Therapy afterwards probably wasn't long enough. It helped me set boundaries but that was all. I also wanted to make sure I wasn't seeking out certain types that are untrustworthy and that didn't seem to be the case. I was told "just a sweet girl, and bad luck".. The male therapist told me I was precisely the type that bad guys went for... Sweet, pretty, trusting, happy.
Oh perfect.

I stayed single at least a year or longer and then met my husband. I didn't trust guys all that much, but I felt confident in my ability to leave idiots - I am now very independent and have no problem leaving men who mis-treat me. That's good I suppose.

My husband is NOTHING like my exes.. He is an amazing husband and father.... He doesn't do much to piss me off lol. But I do still have this nagging feeling that all men somewhere, some time (even once) cheat. I believe married men can be devoted loving husbands/fathers and still cheat once for whatever reason... 
I think all men are capable of it.

So my trust issue is a trust issue towards men in general.


----------



## samyeagar

mariemount12 said:


> I don't agree, maybe you all have different dynamics in your relationships. My husband is completely acknowledging my concerns over this. He is NOT flipping this on me in any way. "You don't trust me", "You are clingy", "You are over-reacting". No sorry, he agrees he screwed up. He knows this situation is something we BOTH have never done to each other, he agrees if I had done this to him he would be upset. He knows that I have an insecurity over out of town bachelor parties.
> 
> *Minimizing someone else's feelings on how they feel, or telling them "you're over reacting" is NOT healthy either. I really hope those who have said that to me do NOT do that to your partners. Cause good luck with that, that is extremely unhealthy. *
> 
> Something that bothers husband, may not bother wife - and vice versa. You have to at least be considerate that you hurt your spouse even if you personally wouldn't be as upset if it was reversed.


I was just reading back through this thread, and this stood out to me.

First of all, I never minimize my wife's feelings or ever tell her she is over reacting, or anything like that. You are right. It is not helpful. Not constructive.

That said, there are times where a reaction IS disproportionate to the incident, at least on it's surface. Barring mental illness, a disproportionate reaction is often indicative of other, underlying issues that may not be present at the surface.

I do stand by what I said earlier...your reaction, on it's surface was disproportionate to your husband simply not texting you for 15 hours. In light of your mistrust of men in general, it makes a lot more sense.

Is your husband aware of your deep seeded mistrust of men in general, including him? I think it is imperative for him to know this moving forward so he has a better understanding of the dynamics at play here. There is a whole lot more going on than you simply having a firm boundary.


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## happy as a clam

samyeagar said:


> And here are the missing pieces I was wondering about in my first post on this thread, that you denied were there. Now, I think there can be some very good advice to help you.


Yes. All of that information in the first post might have garnered you far different advice.

No worry, but it does explain a lot about your insecurity and where you're coming from. Things are not quite as rosy as you presented them initially given your fundamental lack of trust in men, including your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mariemount12

Yes my husband knows about my past. I was very open about the fact that dated *******s from the age of 24-30 before I met him. Basically my entire dating life (with the exception of my first relationship- he was an absolute sweetheart - we were just young).
The two I was engaged to obviously messed with me. For one, it wasn't like I was "dating" then, we lived together, had pets, were engaged.. When someone that "committed" to you on the surface betrays you, it obviously stings harder than just some guy dating for a week who cheats.

The cop I dated was brutallllll...... How manipulative can someone be that can actually have another woman lie to my face for him??? Pretty sick... While we were together he cheated on me with her but when I sensed something (woman's intuition) and called her, she lied right to me - nothing happened, we are just friends. Oh ok.
She ends up calling me to confess the truth months later when I was gone and moved on, but the idiot she is gave him another chance and he burned her a second time.


----------



## sokillme

OP you have every right to be upset just make sure your hurt/response matches the circumstances you are in at this point, which is he was inconsiderate to you, especially with your past. It is unfair to feel hurt\respond like he cheated. You have no idea that is the case. 

Look I get it but you need to make sure you don't lose perspective because of your past. 

Most of all talk about this, and not like "you did this to me!", but "you doing this makes me feel like this." I find when my wife talks to me this way I get it. 

I got cheated on and burned by a girl I had proposed to by the way. The thing that finally enabled me to let go of the fear in my next relationships was realizing that I had already gone through the worst that could happen to me in a relationship. My first love cheated on me and I survived. My life still thrived, I now know if I were to go through that again it would be painful but I would get over it. If I could survive that I can survive anything. After I figured that out I was able to let go. I can't control anyone anyway, if it is going to happen it is going to happen. Not saying don't be proactive but there is really only so much you can do. 

Sorry you are going though this.


----------



## Hope1964

The fact that your husband did what he did, knowing full well what your past is and how much it bothers you, is a red flag in my eyes.

Have you checked his phone to see if he used it at all during the time he went dark? Have you talked to any of the other wives - are any of them suspicious?

The fact that you've never gotten a bad feeling before about anything he's done, but you did this time, bothers me.


----------



## cons

OP-

Don't make your husband pay for someone else's bill


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## EllisRedding

Honestly reading this thread and your low opinion of men in general, the answer should have been very clear, you should have never agreed to let him go on a 4 day bachelor party trip. Whether right or wrong, maybe your H felt smothered and that is why it was easier to forget to call/text?


----------



## samyeagar

mariemount12 said:


> Yes my husband knows about my past. I was very open about the fact that dated *******s from the age of 24-30 before I met him. Basically my entire dating life (with the exception of my first relationship- he was an absolute sweetheart - we were just young).
> The two I was engaged to obviously messed with me. For one, it wasn't like I was "dating" then, we lived together, had pets, were engaged.. When someone that "committed" to you on the surface betrays you, it obviously stings harder than just some guy dating for a week who cheats.
> 
> The cop I dated was brutallllll...... How manipulative can someone be that can actually have another woman lie to my face for him??? Pretty sick... While we were together he cheated on me with her but when I sensed something (woman's intuition) and called her, she lied right to me - nothing happened, we are just friends. Oh ok.
> She ends up calling me to confess the truth months later when I was gone and moved on, but the idiot she is gave him another chance and he burned her a second time.


I am sure he knows the specifics such as you described here, but does he know, in clear terms, that you do not trust men in general, and that includes him specifically. That even with him, you feel as if he would cheat given the opportunity?

I suspect that he didn't see this quite the way you do, possibly because he does not know what he is up against. You have known him for a long time, he has never given you reason to suspect, and he probably had faith in the strength of your relationship, and your trust in him, a trust that doesn't actually exist.

I do think it would be best given this, that days away, partying, drinking without the other one there needs to stop. It will tear at the core of your relationship, and now, I have a feeling that if he goes away again, and texts you and calls you every hour on the hour, the damage is done.


----------



## happy as a clam

samyeagar said:


> I do think it would be best given this, that days away, partying, drinking without the other one there needs to stop.


I agree. The days of wild, out of town, days-long bachelor and bacholette parties really should be coming to an end, especially given your past situations. After all, you are both married; single blowout weekends should be a thing of the past.

My SO and I have an understanding that we just don't do that kind of thing anymore. In fact, if he (or I) really wanted to go to an out of town party, the other of us would likely go on the trip too and disappear for a few hours during "the event". Then we would spend the rest of the weekend having our own mini-getaway. Singles-type blowout weekends just aren't very good for relationships. Just my 2 cents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre*

mariemount12 said:


> Sorry didn't realize by missing pieces you meant my past - I was trying to keep it relevant to my husband. But trust issues can obviously carry on with someone, as it seems with me.
> 
> I actually went to therapy after and during both of those relationships. The therapy during, was basically helping me set boundaries - but the worst part about these two past relationships is that when I was in them, I did not find out about the cheating. I had suspicions, caught them in lies but no proof. That sick feeling in my gut but nothing concrete. I ended up leaving (because I was sick of the constant worry) and once I was left and gone, the truth came out (ex gfs messaged me, lies uncovered) and I realized the sack of crap men I wasted so long trying to forgive & trust, we're not trustworthy at all.
> 
> Therapy afterwards probably wasn't long enough. It helped me set boundaries but that was all. I also wanted to make sure I wasn't seeking out certain types that are untrustworthy and that didn't seem to be the case. I was told "just a sweet girl, and bad luck".. The male therapist told me I was precisely the type that bad guys went for... Sweet, pretty, trusting, happy.
> Oh perfect.
> 
> I stayed single at least a year or longer and then met my husband. I didn't trust guys all that much, but I felt confident in my ability to leave idiots - I am now very independent and have no problem leaving men who mis-treat me. That's good I suppose.
> 
> My husband is NOTHING like my exes.. He is an amazing husband and father.... He doesn't do much to piss me off lol. But I do still have this nagging feeling that all men somewhere, some time (even once) cheat. I believe married men can be devoted loving husbands/fathers and still cheat once for whatever reason...
> I think all men are capable of it.
> 
> So my trust issue is a trust issue towards men in general.


If he cheats, then you deal with it...either stay and work on things, or leave. But, to consume yourself with 'what if's' is unfair to your husband and to you. And honestly, worrying about it, and asking him to not do things so your peace of mind stays in tact, will not stop him from cheating, if he honestly wants to cheat. It seems like you married a good man, so don't let your past ...ruin your present and future. ((hug)) 

PS-- Women are just as capable as men of cheating. I mean, the cheating men are cheating with cheating women, right? lol So, takes two to cheat. And if you read some threads on here, many women cheat, it's an urban myth that it's mainly men who cheat.


----------



## Hope1964

*Deidre* said:


> the cheating men are cheating with cheating women, right?


No, not necessarily. They cheat with single women, hookers, happy ending massagists, etc.

It is true that women cheat as often as men, though.


----------



## *Deidre*

Hope1964 said:


> No, not necessarily. They cheat with single women, hookers, happy ending massagists, etc.
> 
> It is true that women cheat as often as men, though.


If you're single and sleeping with a married person, you're a cheater. You're just unconcerned with destroying someone else's marriage, at that point.


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## sokillme

happy as a clam said:


> I agree. The days of wild, out of town, days-long bachelor and bacholette parties really should be coming to an end, especially given your past situations. After all, you are both married; single blowout weekends should be a thing of the past.
> 
> My SO and I have an understanding that we just don't do that kind of thing anymore. In fact, if he (or I) really wanted to go to an out of town party, the other of us would likely go on the trip too and disappear for a few hours during "the event". Then we would spend the rest of the weekend having our own mini-getaway. Singles-type blowout weekends just aren't very good for relationships. Just my 2 cents.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well I think it depends. Like what if it was a golf trip for instance, or fishing. I do think that strip joints are just a bad idea when you are married. This is why I don't do it. I mean when you are on a diet what sense does it make to go to a doughnut shop and stare at the doughnuts.


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## Hope1964

*Deidre* said:


> If you're single and sleeping with a married person, you're a cheater. You're just unconcerned with destroying someone else's marriage, at that point.


So if my husband sleeps with a hooker, or hooks up with a single woman at a bar, and they have no idea he's married, they're cheating? how so?


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## *Deidre*

If the non-married person has no idea the other person is married, then that would be different. I hadn't considered prostitutes. My gosh, that would be a horrible thing to learn.


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## MrsAldi

MachoMcCoy said:


> Done. I stand by my post. He got laid.
> 
> I'll bet he's a bad liar, huh? That's why he didn't call. You'd have smelled the strippers on him from 1500 miles.


Not all men cheat on bachelor parties. 
Innocent until proven otherwise. 
You don't know exactly, unless you were a fly on the wall! 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Bibi1031

mariemount12. Thank you for posting about your past. Your reaction makes a lot more sense now. 

You have gone through terrible trauma with those two cheaters. Your trust has been severed and maybe it will trigger your gut to go out of wack.

I agree with the posters that tell you to really let your husband know that trust is something that you have very hard issues with and eventhough it's not related to him; the trauma you suffered caused this in you. 

He loves you, he just doesn't understand the side effects this type of abuse causes. You have to help him understand this by communicating things very clearly.

He will not slip again. He probably shouldn't leave for something like that again as it makes a mess to you emotionally. You can't really help it. He will need to understand that it isn't personal eventhough it affects him personally. One of those things we change about ourselves because we care more about our loved ones emotional well being.

I agree with the fact that you do need to continue therapy. It will help you. You are probably feeling very overwhelmed with your new mommy hat. I remember it was very difficult for me. I was stressed out over everything with my first born. I was afraid of everything. If she woke up every three hours, if she didn't. If she made sounds while she slept or if she didn't. It was very difficult.

You have plenty of worries being a new mom. He will understand that he can't cause this kind of distress again. He will understand and will make sure to help you out with this. 

I hope you two can work this out and there will be no future need to feel this distressed again.


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## richie33

Hope1964 said:


> No, not necessarily. They cheat with single women, hookers, happy ending massagists, etc.
> 
> It is true that women cheat as often as men, though.


This woman has enough in her head, why put more?


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## alexm

mariemount12 said:


> But I do still have this nagging feeling that all men somewhere, some time (even once) cheat. I believe married men can be devoted loving husbands/fathers and still cheat once for whatever reason...
> I think all men are capable of it.
> 
> So my trust issue is a trust issue towards men in general.


Here's the thing - ALL people can cheat, women too. In fact, SOME studies have shown that married women are more likely to cheat than married men.

But here's what I'd go with:

"According to the New York Times, the most consistent data on infidelity comes from the University of Chicago's General Social Survey (GSS). Large-scale interviews conducted since 1972 by the GSS of people in monogamous relationships reveals that the number of men admitting to extramarital affairs is 12 percent and for women, 7 percent."

Mind you, this is a survey, and people will lie, even though it's completely anonymous.

So there you have it - some 80% of men will NOT engage in extramarital affairs. If you do a good enough job of weeding out the losers from the start (as it appears you have), that number is even MORE on your side.

Our past relationship histories are complicated and often carry a lot of baggage, and that absolutely sucks. I have some and my wife has some. Neither of us wants to get hurt, and neither do you. So the natural reflex is to protect yourself, which is exactly what you're doing.

Here's the irony - whether you put up these walls or not, it can still happen, and worse - it will hurt just as bad. It took me a long time to get through to my wife about that last point, as she came with these massive walls already built up - as did I.

The best, and really only affair-proofing one can do is to love your spouse and allow them to love you back. Do the little things as well as the big things. Make him/her happy, and expect the same in return. Plants die if they don't get enough water, and a marriage is no different. Cutting your spouse off, or giving them the silent treatment is like not watering the plant for two or three days. The more often you do that, the more likely it will wither and die.


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## EllisRedding

I honestly find it a little odd that something this big to the OP her H doesn't fully grasp. I mean, she is basically saying here that if given the opportunity her H will cheat, so she clearly has a lack of trust in him (just more trust in him then other men).

Although given with a baby at home H should have had a lot more common sense about going away for 4 days for a Bachelor party, I feel like at some point he was bound to get burned (the whole bachelor thing just sounds like a trap tbh). If not this, then at some point he would forget to do something, forget to call or text, and then the apparent trust issues would rear its ugly head. If I was the H my concern would be he could be the perfect Husband/Father 99% of the time, but any sort of lapse in judgement (innocent, not cheating), even once, and now he is getting hit with the "You are like all other men" spiel. That would have me walking on pins and needles, or at a minimum picking more closely what to discuss with W.

In conclusion, OP needs to talk with H (in a non resentful manner) about why she feels the way she does, so hopefully he is more aware of this. On the other end, Op needs to work on her trust issues if she is truly going to commit herself to her H.


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## Susie42

I don't want to scare you, but the same thing happened to me. However, I found out later that the guys did end up at a strip club and my husband agreed to a Private Dance. This dance was 20-30 minutes in a private room with a lot of 2-way touching. He was able to fondle the stripper's breasts, grab her ass as she grinded on his crotch. She rubbed his penis from the outside of his jeans until he had a happy ending. She was completely naked. She only had a G-String on. I was mortified and still am. To me this is cheating. I would not be surprised if your husband and his friends did the very same thing. My husband went with 5 guys on a trip and each one did the same thing! Disgusting! I am having a terrible time absorbing this betrayal. Sometimes, I am thinking that I should file for divorce because trust is broken. Once trust is broken it is very hard to get back.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. From now on, my husband is not allowed to be a part of any Bachelor Party since he cannot control himself in this environment.

I heard Tampa has some of the worst strip clubs (meaning VERY HIGH CONTACT) during lap dances. Actually, in my opinion, strip clubs are just the same as brothels. 

I am sorry that you are in this situation. I wish women in general would speak up and put their foot down. It is not a man's male entitlement to attend these type of places. I am a therapist and I have many former strippers that come to me, because they are suffering from PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety due to the situations that they were forced to do inside of strip clubs. Basically, if they don't allow touching....they don't get a tip. 

Most of these strippers have "Daddy Issues, have been sexually abused, or on drugs). It is so sad. It is amazing that strip clubs are legal in the United States and men pay for this type of "entertainment" which is very degrading to women. So sad.


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## Roselyn

I am sandwiched between two cheating brothers. My first boyfriend also cheated on me with a cougar. When I met my husband, the cheating scenario was discussed early on.

We are 36 years married; first marriage for the both of us. My husband and I made it a rule not to attend bachelors' nor bachelorettes' parties. We leave that for single folks or people who choose to attend these events. Alcohol and strippers don't mix well.

We are both career people. I do not need the stress, so I have laid out clear boundaries. My husband and I do not put ourselves in compromising situations. We have survived and thrived in our marriage because we safeguard our relationship foundation.

You need to have a serious discussion with your husband. You need to lay out your boundaries and make them clear. Do not live in torment.


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## mariemount12

Susie42 said:


> I don't want to scare you, but the same thing happened to me. However, I found out later that the guys did end up at a strip club and my husband agreed to a Private Dance. This dance was 20-30 minutes in a private room with a lot of 2-way touching. He was able to fondle the stripper's breasts, grab her ass as she grinded on his crotch. She rubbed his penis from the outside of his jeans until he had a happy ending. She was completely naked. She only had a G-String on. I was mortified and still am. To me this is cheating. I would not be surprised if your husband and his friends did the very same thing. My husband went with 5 guys on a trip and each one did the same thing! Disgusting! I am having a terrible time absorbing this betrayal. Sometimes, I am thinking that I should file for divorce because trust is broken. Once trust is broken it is very hard to get back.
> 
> I am so sorry that you are in this situation. From now on, my husband is not allowed to be a part of any Bachelor Party since he cannot control himself in this environment.
> 
> I heard Tampa has some of the worst strip clubs (meaning VERY HIGH CONTACT) during lap dances. Actually, in my opinion, strip clubs are just the same as brothels.
> 
> I am sorry that you are in this situation. I wish women in general would speak up and put their foot down. It is not a man's male entitlement to attend these type of places. I am a therapist and I have many former strippers that come to me, because they are suffering from PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety due to the situations that they were forced to do inside of strip clubs. Basically, if they don't allow touching....they don't get a tip.
> 
> Most of these strippers have "Daddy Issues, have been sexually abused, or on drugs). It is so sad. It is amazing that strip clubs are legal in the United States and men pay for this type of "entertainment" which is very degrading to women. So sad.



Oh totally! We have some really BAD strip clubs here in Canada too! There is a pretty known one in Niagara Falls (our big Bachelor/Bachelorette party town) - and I KNOW you can pay to get whatever you want there. My brother said some of his friends have paid for blowjobs there in the back room. My gf's and I went once to see what it was all about and we were shocked at what went on. It was way more than just naked women dancing on stage or giving the non-touching lap dances. I saw strippers fingering each other, eating each other out, men touching in the back private dance area.

What is weird is that my husband has been to that strip club while we were together at least twice for 2 of his close friend's bachelor parties. I personally think strip clubs are so sleazy and I don't see why married men or grooms need to even go there, I guess it's funny to embarass them on stage, but I do NOT agree with lap dances. I think lap dancing is cheating. Yet I have always "allowed" my husband to go for bachelor parties because I trust that he won't get a lap dance (maybe I am an idiot).
My huband has been totally honest that the plan was to go there during the bachelor party and the weird part about all this trust issue for me, is that I did believe and trust him that he would just go, watch his buddy get embarassed, have a few laughs and look and that was it.
Maybe I'm an idiot and that is where I should have not trusted him. But for me, if you are upfront, honest, don't hide things and be realistic to me that yes we will likely end up here because it is a bachelor party, than that does reassure me.

The part about my husband not calling and disappearing for 12 hours, no idea when or how he got home, or even WHERE did he sleep or even stay? How do I know he didn't roll in at 6am because they were out with strippers all night, how do I know they didn't meet girls staying at the hotel where the bar was? I don't.
However, to me - to feel secure and trust him, a phone call and message eases my mind. Maybe it shows me that he is thinking about me. Maybe it gives me enough reassurance that if he can think of me enough to message and say good night, or "check in" if you will, that I am on his mind. If I am on his mind, is that more likely he won't cheat on me?
I would never know, but it does honestly help.

If your husband is out of the country, drunking with a bunch of horny guys, out at bars or strip clubs.. But can't think to message his wife, than how do I know I was even on his mind at ALL the entire night? Doesn't that seem more likely if you can just block that out while you are drunk, than maybe you are just that much more likely to get out of control and do something you will regret.

That is my reasoning.. and I know it's not maybe how anyone else's mind works (including my husband). But for me, I can't help in which the way I think or feel.


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## mariemount12

EllisRedding said:


> I honestly find it a little odd that something this big to the OP her H doesn't fully grasp. I mean, she is basically saying here that if given the opportunity her H will cheat, so she clearly has a lack of trust in him (just more trust in him then other men).
> 
> Although given with a baby at home H should have had a lot more common sense about going away for 4 days for a Bachelor party, I feel like at some point he was bound to get burned (the whole bachelor thing just sounds like a trap tbh). If not this, then at some point he would forget to do something, forget to call or text, and then the apparent trust issues would rear its ugly head. If I was the H my concern would be he could be the perfect Husband/Father 99% of the time, but any sort of lapse in judgement (innocent, not cheating), even once, and now he is getting hit with the "You are like all other men" spiel. That would have me walking on pins and needles, or at a minimum picking more closely what to discuss with W.
> 
> In conclusion, OP needs to talk with H (in a non resentful manner) about why she feels the way she does, so hopefully he is more aware of this. On the other end, Op needs to work on her trust issues if she is truly going to commit herself to her H.



I see what you are saying, but NO this issue of him not calling does not translate into anything else. We have been together a total of 3 years (1.5 dating and 1.5 married) and I have NEVER once gotten angry with him for not calling.
For starters, anytime he has gone away he always calls. I don't ask him too, he knows of my insecurity of men out of town and he himself calls or texts frequently and ALWAYS to say goodnight.
When we are at home, on a daily basis - he is 100% the one who always calls.. Even since we met, when he would not have known yet about my trust issue/insecurity he was always the one calling.

I would be out shopping or with girlfriends, or a night of dancing and I would have multiple texts and calls. He loves me and is very very attentive. I never took it as checking on me, he just likes to be in touch!
This has worked thus far for both of us. We always mutually call and text throughout the day to see what we are up to, whats for dinner, etc. When it comes to out of town, we both always call/text like we would at home. 

You make it sound like I am this freak wife and I am constantly nagging and calling him and clingy and he is not ok with any of it. He AGREES he should have called. He knows it was out of his character, he knows it is something we have BOTH never done. Like another poster said, it IS a precedent we both started in our relationship. It worked for us! He or I both have never ever said we felt smothered, or why do you call so much, or why do you feel a need to "check in". We both never saw it that way.

If something is the NORM to you in your relationship and has never been an issue (sure it may not be how other relationships operate) but for us it was our thing. When he drops the ball on our thing that has worked for us for 3 years.. Does it make more and more sense why this is upsetting or a red flag to me?


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## mariemount12

I wanted to highlight this point I said above, 

If your husband is out of the country, getting drunk with a bunch of horny guys, out at bars or strip clubs.. But can't think to message his wife, than how do I know I was even on his mind at ALL the entire night? Doesn't that seem more likely if you can just block that out while you are drunk, than maybe you are just that much more likely to get out of control and do something you will regret?


THAT is why not calling/texting is a big deal to me. If I can trust my husband to even go out of town for 4 days on a bachelor weekend, I have not cared in the past of him going to strip clubs or bars at bachelor parties.. Some people are surprised that I CAN trust him in that way, but not calling riles me up so much. It is because of what I said, if you are not calling, I am NOT on your mind.

That simply put, DOES create a trust issue for me.

**Adding - Especially now that we have a newborn!! My husband is obsessed with her.. He had tears in his eyes that he was going to miss her so much before he left for his trip. He called and facetimed every night, he wanted to see her. I feel like he forgot about US that whole night.. 7pm to 10am the next morning is a LONG time to go without messaging for me or our daughter


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## EllisRedding

mariemount12 said:


> If something is the NORM to you in your relationship and has never been an issue (sure it may not be how other relationships operate) but for us it was our thing. When he drops the ball on our thing that has worked for us for 3 years.. Does it make more and more sense why this is upsetting or a red flag to me?


I guess the way I am reading it, you have serious trust issues. You said it yourself, you believe ALL guys would cheat if given the chance (this is pure bs but no need to debate this here lol). So I guess my point, if this is such a massive issue, going away for a bachelor party, especially for 4 days, should have been a big no no from the start. If you believe that your H would cheat given the correct circumstances, whether or not he calls/texts you would be the least of my concerns.


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## ne9907

Dude... OP...chill out!!!!

OMG... Your husband sounds like a decent man, give him a break!!! DO NOT give him the silent treatment ever again!!!! Did you know "silent treatment" is a form of abuse??


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## MrsAldi

In reality 7pm to 10am without calling your spouse is normal. 

Is it not like he went off & didn't call for 4 whole days, now that would be something to be angry over. 

He didn't forget about his family at all. 
I understand you've been cheated on before & I'm sorry that happened to you. 
But you cannot bring the baggage from your last relationships into this one. 
If you keep on with the insecureness it will drive him away. 
He loves you & your daughter very much, why get angry over no contact in a few hours? 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## kag123

I didn't read all the replies here - but I saw you getting skewered way back on page 3. I assume you probably still are. 

For what it's worth, I feel exactly the same way that you do and I also would have been very upset. 

Here's my caveat - I have anxiety (diagnosed and medicated) and one of the things that spikes my anxiety the worst is not knowing where my people are. My people = husband and kids. My mind goes crazy imagining all kinds of scenarios. Never cheating. More like dead in a ditch somewhere. How about hiding in a nightclub during an active shooting situation! That's a page right out of my crazy imagination that just came to life. 

YES, I realize the chances that something bad happened to them is extremely slim. YES, I realize that my anxiety is MY issue to live with and control. 

However, if the one person who is supposed to be your rock knows this is a big friggin deal to you and knows why - and knows how awful it's going to make you feel to worry and wait - it's really NOT that hard to just send a quick text. It's not. There's no excuse for it. 

All I have ever asked for is a simple text to let me know he made it to his destination when traveling. "Made it home safe. Call you later." That's all. 

When I hear people say things about a man having to check in with his wife, making it sound like he's a prisoner and she's a terrible person holding him hostage.... please. A grown man with a wife and children can be an adult AND simultaneously have fun with their buddies. The two are not mutually exclusive.

My husband is very good about this btw - BUT he let's his phone die all the time. It's really crazy to me that anyone let's that happen on a regular basis. I can understand it happens on a rare occasion but usually you plan ahead for long nights out. He has missed important calls from me because of it. Once I was in a car accident (Thank god not badly injured) and once I had to take one of our kids to the ER. Still hasn't changed his behavior. 

I still go through phases where I get very angry about it, then just take some time to cool down before talking to him.


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## cons

OP-

It okay that you have feelings of insecurity around this. Perhaps you didn't realize to what level until your husband was already away. However, instead of punishing your husband based on unspoken expectations, but assuming that he would check in at the level as he always did...use this as an opportunity to communicate your needs and give your husband eh respect that he will honor you as his wife (because it sounds like he is truly a man of integrity)...


You can stand on the "rightness" of being offended by his absentmindedness or you can take care of the relationship (that means your feelings as well as his).


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## Openminded

The thing is, there is just no way to know what someone is doing out of your sight. Ever. My ex-husband called me every evening -- for more than four decades -- when he was traveling for work (and when he wasn't traveling for work he never went anywhere without me). Did that evening call stop him from cheating -- taking his girlfriend with him on some of those trips? Nope. So your husband calling or texting wouldn't actually have meant anything more than that was something he checked off his list while he was having fun. I get why you wanted him to. BTDT. But don't totally focus on that because obviously you just never know what someone is doing when they aren't around you. That's where trust comes in. In my case, trust was definitely misplaced but that doesn't mean it is in your case. Not all men cheat.


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## EllisRedding

Openminded said:


> The thing is, there is just no way to know what someone is doing out of your sight. Ever. My ex-husband called me every evening -- for more than four decades -- when he was traveling for work (and when he wasn't traveling for work he never went anywhere without me). Did that evening call stop him from cheating -- taking his girlfriend with him on some of those trips? Nope. So your husband calling or texting wouldn't actually have meant anything more than that was something he checked off his list while he was having fun. I get why you wanted him to. BTDT. But don't totally focus on that because obviously you just never know what someone is doing when they aren't around you. That's where trust comes in. In my case, trust was definitely misplaced but that doesn't mean it is in your case. Not all men cheat.


Agreed. Honestly, if OPs H was smart and was going to cheat, he would have made sure he called/texted so there would be no suspicion.


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## mariemount12

@openminded @EllisRedding

I 100% agree with you both.. I do.. But for me, that makes me feel secure. The call/text to say hello/love you or goodnight. I need that.
I don't need it at home, I don't need it when he is at work, I don't need it when we're out apart for the day.
When he is gone away out of town, at a bachelor party I need it.
He needs it too, honestly if I didn't call or message him out of town when he knew I was out drinking he would be sooooooooo upset! His reasons are more geared towards, is she safe? 
Mine for sure are more, is he being a good boy lol

But I get what you are all saying, but I don't get why you don't understand that this is what we have always done for each other. It's normal for is, so what I am expecting isn't too much to ask for he and I.

I am fully aware cheaters can blow up their wives phones all night and still be cheating. For me, that's all I need to ease these concerns and uneasy feelings.


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## Blondilocks

His not contacting you is outside the norm for your relationship. Of course, you're going to be upset.

Is he home yet? Any observances?


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## mariemount12

kag123 said:


> I didn't read all the replies here - but I saw you getting skewered way back on page 3. I assume you probably still are.
> 
> For what it's worth, I feel exactly the same way that you do and I also would have been very upset.
> 
> Here's my caveat - I have anxiety (diagnosed and medicated) and one of the things that spikes my anxiety the worst is not knowing where my people are. My people = husband and kids. My mind goes crazy imagining all kinds of scenarios. Never cheating. More like dead in a ditch somewhere. How about hiding in a nightclub during an active shooting situation! That's a page right out of my crazy imagination that just came to life.
> 
> YES, I realize the chances that something bad happened to them is extremely slim. YES, I realize that my anxiety is MY issue to live with and control.
> 
> However, if the one person who is supposed to be your rock knows this is a big friggin deal to you and knows why - and knows how awful it's going to make you feel to worry and wait - it's really NOT that hard to just send a quick text. It's not. There's no excuse for it.
> 
> All I have ever asked for is a simple text to let me know he made it to his destination when traveling. "Made it home safe. Call you later." That's all.
> 
> When I hear people say things about a man having to check in with his wife, making it sound like he's a prisoner and she's a terrible person holding him hostage.... please. A grown man with a wife and children can be an adult AND simultaneously have fun with their buddies. The two are not mutually exclusive.
> 
> My husband is very good about this btw - BUT he let's his phone die all the time. It's really crazy to me that anyone let's that happen on a regular basis. I can understand it happens on a rare occasion but usually you plan ahead for long nights out. He has missed important calls from me because of it. Once I was in a car accident (Thank god not badly injured) and once I had to take one of our kids to the ER. Still hasn't changed his behavior.
> 
> I still go through phases where I get very angry about it, then just take some time to cool down before talking to him.


I am glad you posted this.. You are a different woman with a different need, like you mentioned here - for YOU this is how you feel and what you need your husband to do, to feel secure and mind at ease.
I don't have anxiety, so for me if my husband doesn't call me all day while he is out or at work etc - doesn't bother me at all. Or if he didn't call me after his flight landed, wouldn't bother me.

For you, this is YOUR thing - and your husband should understand and accept that. I don't think anyone here has any right to tell you that's unreasonable, or you have anxiety issues go fix them.. I feel people are being pretty insensitive with me. This is MY thing.. You don't have to get it. My husband knows this! Like yours knows your anxiety and what you need him to do to help that.

I think that's perfectly normal and healthy. Everyone is not perfect, we all have insecurities, baggage from past, fears.. Why can't we expect our significant others to acknowledge those things and do what they know makes us feel safe.


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## samyeagar

mariemount12 said:


> @openminded @EllisRedding
> 
> I 100% agree with you both.. I do.. But for me, that makes me feel secure. The call/text to say hello/love you or goodnight. I need that.
> I don't need it at home, I don't need it when he is at work, I don't need it when we're out apart for the day.
> When he is gone away out of town, at a bachelor party I need it.
> He needs it too, honestly if I didn't call or message him out of town when he knew I was out drinking he would be sooooooooo upset! His reasons are more geared towards, is she safe?
> Mine for sure are more, is he being a good boy lol
> 
> But I get what you are all saying, but *I don't get why you don't understand that this is what we have always done for each other. It's normal for is, so what I am expecting isn't too much to ask for he and I.*
> 
> I am fully aware cheaters can blow up their wives phones all night and still be cheating. For me, that's all I need to ease these concerns and uneasy feelings.


Then perhaps it is time to revisit and change what you have always done, and come up with a new normal now that you have felt the affects of a single missed text over the course of numerous opportunities.

Don't take the absolute specifics here, but rather the general idea, but what if he was on a boys weekend where they were out of cell range, no service over night...starting at a strip club, then going camping for instance?

I just think there are far too many completely innocent variants that could trigger this deep seated lack of trust in you for these types of trips to be sustainable moving forward. It is too important to risk by giving it another chance to happen...one and done, and they need to be off the table from here forward. They just aren't worth it.


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## samyeagar

Blondilocks said:


> His not contacting you is outside the norm for your relationship. *Of course, you're going to be upset*.
> 
> Is he home yet? Any observances?


The not contacting was just the trigger. The issue is that she inherently does not trust men away from their wives over night, including her own. Upset is one thing, but two day silent treatment is over the top for a simple missed text...she was triggering based on her past relationships.


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## mariemount12

Blondilocks said:


> His not contacting you is outside the norm for your relationship. Of course, you're going to be upset.
> 
> Is he home yet? Any observances?


He returned home Sunday, we have been talking it out a lot. He feels bad and swears on our daughter's life he did not cheat or do anything wrong. He knows he never does not call.. He was busy organizing the evening, getting the limo in order, his phone was dead from playing music by the pool during the afternoon. He regrets not charging his phone before he went out and regrets not calling me on the land line when he returned to say goodnight. He said he left the bar (by taxi) around 2am and plugged his phone in to charge but fell asleep passed out.

I do believe him.. It doesn't change the fact that not calling does make my head spin round thinking of many many possible worst case senarios that could have happened.

A friend of mine (girl) went to Vegas years before I met my husband, I was single she had a boyfriend. We had a wild night out with some hockey players (one was an NHL'er) and she met his brother that night. I went back to our hotel room and she said she would catchup with me in the morning. She went to spend the night at her Guy's hotel. She returned back the next morning at 8am and he BF frantically calling her. He had not heard from her all night, not a single message and nothing until 9am. She told him she was sorry and her phone died. (Lie!!) lol

It happens!!! My mind can't shut a lot of these senarios off.. I've seen way too much.


----------



## Blondilocks

You and your husband need to reevaluate these destination parties. It is really unreasonable for a groom/bride to expect guests to commit to 3 or 4 days to party with them. If he is still going to go to bachelor parties, then he could restrict them to the one night party.


----------



## mariemount12

samyeagar said:


> mariemount12 said:
> 
> 
> 
> @openminded @EllisRedding
> 
> I 100% agree with you both.. I do.. But for me, that makes me feel secure. The call/text to say hello/love you or goodnight. I need that.
> I don't need it at home, I don't need it when he is at work, I don't need it when we're out apart for the day.
> When he is gone away out of town, at a bachelor party I need it.
> He needs it too, honestly if I didn't call or message him out of town when he knew I was out drinking he would be sooooooooo upset! His reasons are more geared towards, is she safe?
> Mine for sure are more, is he being a good boy lol
> 
> But I get what you are all saying, but *I don't get why you don't understand that this is what we have always done for each other. It's normal for is, so what I am expecting isn't too much to ask for he and I.*
> 
> I am fully aware cheaters can blow up their wives phones all night and still be cheating. For me, that's all I need to ease these concerns and uneasy feelings.
> 
> 
> 
> Then perhaps it is time to revisit and change what you have always done, and come up with a new normal now that you have felt the affects of a single missed text over the course of numerous opportunities.
> 
> Don't take the absolute specifics here, but rather the general idea, but what if he was on a boys weekend where they were out of cell range, no service over night...starting at a strip club, then going camping for instance?
> 
> I just think there are far too many completely innocent variants that could trigger this deep seated lack of trust in you for these types of trips to be sustainable moving forward. It is too important to risk by giving it another chance to happen...one and done, and they need to be off the table from here forward. They just aren't worth it.
Click to expand...

That is true and something we are discussing.
My husband says that if this type of bachelor party atmosphere is going to upset me he doesn't feel the need to ever go again.
I have always taken pride that I am not a type of person to tell someone they CAN'T do something. I don't like that done to me.
I prefer to come up with ways to ease each other's concerns and come up with a suitable compromise.
Realistically, my husband does not have any other bachelor parties to go to. All of his groomsmen are now married, he has no brothers, no other bachelor good buddies. So I am sure this is the last out of town bachelor party.
This is a pretty isolated issue so I don't see it rearing its ugly head again, unless he plans on a guys trip away from home involving drinking. But that isn't really our thing either.. We travel together. I don't do girls trips either - except for bachelorette parties.
We obviously need to communicate even more boundaries if we ever have another out of town experience. For example, say he has to travel for work or something and his clients want to take him out for dinner / drinks one evening. He will be getting a specific request to calm yourself on the drinking to oblivion and you MUST call me before bed. I never thought I had to be a drill Sargent but I guess I do.


----------



## mariemount12

Blondilocks said:


> You and your husband need to reevaluate these destination parties. It is really unreasonable for a groom/bride to expect guests to commit to 3 or 4 days to party with them. If he is still going to go to bachelor parties, then he could restrict them to the one night party.


After all this, we agree on that. Not only are they expensive, all of our good close friends are now married - so we wouldn't have any more we really need to attend. No one super close to us, so it would be OK to decline if we weren't that close to the bride or groom.


----------



## cons

OP-

It isn't your expectations that are unreasonable (your feelings/concerns are valid). It is really your unwillingness to also learn from this experience. You say your husband apologized and explained the sequence of events....you say you believe him....

Now- will you forgive him??? Now- will you communicate more specifically what your needs are for future occurrences? 

Now- will you stop punishing your husband for another person's indiscretions?

Realize you both have a part to play in the miscommunication. Now is your opportunity to make improvements going forward.


----------



## sokillme

alexm said:


> Did he drop the ball? I don't know, perhaps. But to be fair, you were sitting at home waiting for, and expecting him to call or text you, and he didn't, so things are amplified. Like I said before, you two have set a precedent for this - which is fine - but it's become an expectation, and one that, if not followed through on, angers you. That's not healthy, nor fair, IMO.



Guy here, I think he dropped the ball, there has never been a night that I was away from my wife that I didn't at least say goodnight. Kind of comes with the territory, your marriage should be more important then your fun. You are married you are not "independent" anymore. Now should he be suspected of cheating, not at all. But he did drop the ball especially when this has been discussed. It is not about requirement it is about respect.


----------



## sokillme

SunnyT said:


> Then you've won. Call it over. Take a breath and continue with life, marriage, etc...


How is this comment liked, marriage is not about winning or losing. WTH? If you have this attitude then all is lost.


----------



## EllisRedding

sokillme said:


> Guy here, I think he dropped the ball, there has never been a night that I was away from my wife that I didn't at least say goodnight. Kind of comes with the territory, your marriage should be more important then your fun. You are married you are not "independent" anymore. Now should he be suspected of cheating, not at all. But he did drop the ball especially when this has been discussed. It is not about requirement it is about respect.


I don't agree that it comes with the territory having to say goodnight, that is more a personal preference of two people in a relationship.


----------



## mariemount12

sokillme said:


> alexm said:
> 
> 
> 
> Did he drop the ball? I don't know, perhaps. But to be fair, you were sitting at home waiting for, and expecting him to call or text you, and he didn't, so things are amplified. Like I said before, you two have set a precedent for this - which is fine - but it's become an expectation, and one that, if not followed through on, angers you. That's not healthy, nor fair, IMO.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Guy here, I think he dropped the ball, there has never been a night that I was away from my wife that I didn't at least say goodnight. Kind of comes with the territory, your marriage should be more important then your fun. You are married you are not "independent" anymore. Now should he be suspected of cheating, not at all. But he did drop the ball especially when this has been discussed. It is not about requirement it is about respect.
Click to expand...

1000% here.. The way you wrote this, I feel you took the words out of my mouth.
That is just the way I think and what my expectations are - from myself as well.


----------



## sokillme

mariemount12 said:


> LOL.. This is exactly why I am even here writing this.
> I know this is a possibility with any man that has a penis.
> 
> No matter how much I love my husband, trust him, know he is a good guy. I think anyone is capable of anything at any time.
> I do.


Please stop with the Men stuff, it makes you seem irrational and hurts you argument. I am a man and I would sooner cut my right arm off then cheat on my wife. Why because it would hurt my honor and that is all we have in this world really. I have very good friends and I know for a fact the same would hold true. I could just as easily read on here an say all woman cheat too. 

Stop please. OP you have some really deep seeded hurt and damage from your exes. I get it, but you need to deal with that aside from this issue. Also again you need to allow yourself to be hurt in proportion to what really happened. Which is he was inconsiderate. As far as we know he didn't cheat. What are his friends like, I would punch my friend in the face if I were somewhere with him and he was about to cheat. He wouldn't do that sh_t with me around. Do you have any faith in them? 

Anyway everything else is not a product of his actions but a product of your history. You have control of this. You can decide if you want to believe him or not. The thing about love is it's an act of faith. You need to have faith in your spouse, or if you can't then you need to not be married. 

Stop fighting with people on here and talk to your spouse because he deserves to be forgiven, or at least talked to at this point, nothing in the rest of your time together has shown you that he was any less then faithful. Deal with the problem by talking about it as a team. He let you down yes, but that happens even in healthy relationships. That's marriage. 

Besides all that you need to deal with the wounds you still have. For YOUR OWN benefit.


----------



## sokillme

EllisRedding said:


> I don't agree that it comes with the territory having to say goodnight, that is more a personal preference of two people in a relationship.


It comes with the territory if your SO needs it. I am not saying there can't be extenuating circumstances but this thing is akin to having a job interview and over sleeping. Sucks but not going to feel sorry for you, you should have taken care of your business. The dude knew this was a very big deal.


----------



## sokillme

mariemount12 said:


> A friend of mine (girl) went to Vegas years before I met my husband, I was single she had a boyfriend. We had a wild night out with some hockey players (one was an NHL'er) and she met his brother that night. I went back to our hotel room and she said she would catchup with me in the morning. She went to spend the night at her Guy's hotel. She returned back the next morning at 8am and he BF frantically calling her. He had not heard from her all night, not a single message and nothing until 9am. She told him she was sorry and her phone died. (Lie!!) lol
> 
> It happens!!! My mind can't shut a lot of these senarios off.. I've seen way too much.


You need better friends.


----------



## mariemount12

You are right.. I am going to talk to someone, because as you say, if not all men cheat on their wives than no I don't want to ever doubt my husband. I want to feel 100% trust that he is not even capable of that because he would never do it. Not even if he could never get caught. I don't believe all cheating gets caught... I think some screw ups can be taken to the grave.
I'm going to work on this, because it's not as easy as you're saying it is, to just start trusting and shake these trust issues I have with men. It more than likely is caused by the 2 bad relationships in a row. My ex fiancé was physically abusive, I left him the first time he ever touched me. I'm sure that doesn't help trust, even though it was unrelated to cheating.

Trust issues, anxiety issues - you can't just "turn off" it's a way your mind thinks. I think all men cheat in some way, some form. I think they are genetically designed to do so. So I have to speak with a professional who can give me some better facts and train me to stop thinking that way. And no my father did not cheat on my mother - that I know of. They are married 40 yrs going strong. Never witnessed any infidelity as a child. So I don't know why I think this way


----------



## sokillme

mariemount12 said:


> You are right.. I am going to talk to someone, because as you say, if not all men cheat on their wives than no I don't want to ever doubt my husband. I want to feel 100% trust that he is not even capable of that because he would never do it. Not even if he could never get caught. I don't believe all cheating gets caught... I think some screw ups can be taken to the grave.
> I'm going to work on this, because it's not as easy as you're saying it is, to just start trusting and shake these trust issues I have with men. It more than likely is caused by the 2 bad relationships in a row. My ex fiancé was physically abusive, I left him the first time he ever touched me. I'm sure that doesn't help trust, even though it was unrelated to cheating.
> 
> Trust issues, anxiety issues - you can't just "turn off" it's a way your mind thinks. I think all men cheat in some way, some form. I think they are genetically designed to do so. So I have to speak with a professional who can give me some better facts and train me to stop thinking that way. And no my father did not cheat on my mother - that I know of. They are married 40 yrs going strong. Never witnessed any infidelity as a child. So I don't know why I think this way



OP I think you have PTSD When he wouldn't call you were you right back to where you were when you found out your ex was cheating? Did you understand in your mind that the emotions were not rational but your couldn't stop the feelings? Been there, you need to talk about this stuff. Have you talked about these feeling with him, about what the cheating made you think about yourself? Do it. If he is the least bit emotionally mature he will empathize and maybe heal all this. 

One more thing are you still friends with this girlfriend? A person like that is not good for your marriage. I would be wary. 

And enjoy your 10 month old. Your got a new life that both of you guys made, how great!


----------



## EllisRedding

sokillme said:


> It comes with the territory if your SO needs it. I am not saying there can't be extenuating circumstances but this thing is akin to having a job interview and over sleeping. Sucks but not going to feel sorry for you, you should have taken care of your business. The dude knew this was a very big deal.


Yes, the key being if your SO needs it. Not every SO does, which is why I view it as relationship dependent. 



mariemount12 said:


> You are right.. I am going to talk to someone, because as you say, if not all men cheat on their wives than no I don't want to ever doubt my husband. I want to feel 100% trust that he is not even capable of that because he would never do it. Not even if he could never get caught. I don't believe all cheating gets caught... I think some screw ups can be taken to the grave.
> I'm going to work on this, because it's not as easy as you're saying it is, to just start trusting and shake these trust issues I have with men. It more than likely is caused by the 2 bad relationships in a row. My ex fiancé was physically abusive, I left him the first time he ever touched me. I'm sure that doesn't help trust, even though it was unrelated to cheating.
> 
> Trust issues, anxiety issues - you can't just "turn off" it's a way your mind thinks.* I think all men cheat in some way, some form. I think they are genetically designed to do so. *So I have to speak with a professional who can give me some better facts and train me to stop thinking that way. And no my father did not cheat on my mother - that I know of. They are married 40 yrs going strong. Never witnessed any infidelity as a child. So I don't know why I think this way


I am glad to read that you at least acknowledge the whole "all men cheat" concept is more an issue with you internally than an actual fact, especially the bolded implying we are genetically designed to do so. I don't know if using the line with my W "Hey, I am genetically designed to cheat so can't beat genetics" would go over all too well :wink2:


----------



## samyeagar

sokillme said:


> You need better friends.


I am curious as to what she did to stop the cheating friend, and if she stopped being friends with a woman who proved she was untrustworthy to the core.

And the irony was not lost on me...the amount of distrust leveled specifically at men in general, then providing an example of a woman friend doing the exact same thing. This is not a man or woman thing...it is a character thing.

I have never cheated. The final four years of my marriage were sexless. I had plenty of opportunity, yet never even considered it. Like you said above, my own honor, the one thing I have in this world that is not dependent on anything or anyone but myself, the one thing that is truly mine and mine alone...I choose to keep it untarnished.


----------



## sokillme

samyeagar said:


> I am curious as to what she did to stop the cheating friend, and if she stopped being friends with a woman who proved she was untrustworthy to the core.
> 
> And the irony was not lost on me...the amount of distrust leveled specifically at men in general, then providing an example of a woman friend doing the exact same thing. This is not a man or woman thing...it is a character thing.
> 
> I have never cheated. The final four years of my marriage were sexless. I had plenty of opportunity, yet never even considered it. Like you said above, my own honor, the one thing I have in this world that is not dependent on anything or anyone but myself, the one thing that is truly mine and mine alone...I choose to keep it untarnished.


Amen brother.


----------



## mariemount12

sokillme said:


> mariemount12 said:
> 
> 
> 
> A friend of mine (girl) went to Vegas years before I met my husband, I was single she had a boyfriend. We had a wild night out with some hockey players (one was an NHL'er) and she met his brother that night. I went back to our hotel room and she said she would catchup with me in the morning. She went to spend the night at her Guy's hotel. She returned back the next morning at 8am and he BF frantically calling her. He had not heard from her all night, not a single message and nothing until 9am. She told him she was sorry and her phone died. (Lie!!) lol
> 
> It happens!!! My mind can't shut a lot of these senarios off.. I've seen way too much.
> 
> 
> 
> You need better friends.
Click to expand...

@sokillme
I don't associate with her anymore.. ever since I got married. She had a lot of issues.


----------



## mariemount12

sokillme said:


> OP I think you have PTSD When he wouldn't call you were you right back to where you were when you found out your ex was cheating? Did you understand in your mind that the emotions were not rational but your couldn't stop the feelings? Been there, you need to talk about this stuff. Have you talked about these feeling with him, about what the cheating made you think about yourself? Do it. If he is the least bit emotionally mature he will empathize and maybe heal all this.
> 
> One more thing are you still friends with this girlfriend? A person like that is not good for your marriage. I would be wary.
> 
> And enjoy your 10 month old. Your got a new life that both of you guys made, how great!



When husband didn't call, I got this sick in my stomache feeling. My heart sank. I know I had no proof of anything wrong, just that he didn't call and I thought OMG what has happened. And my mind instantly went to cheating (not is he drunk in a ditch somewhere).
In my past with the cheating and abusive ex whenever I had that feeling, whether it was from a weird text message I saw, or not hearing from them all night, or seeing a weird receipt etc. I would get that sick in my stomache feeling.
I would question them, ask questions, do any investigating I could find. Did not find anything. That feeling wouldn't go away. Ex would say things such as "I would never do that.. I love you too much.. Let me show you some proof" - So I would drop it.
Then months or a year later, whatever it was - the truth would come out. I was right. That worst case senario it happened.

So yeah it's hard.. I don't think bad things when nothing comes up that looks "shady". It's only when something comes up or happens that sparks that same feeling I had. Because it did end up being real. Maybe it is some form of PTSD.

My husband has never screwed up before like this. I also don't ever check his email, phone, bills etc. So I don't know maybe I was more "snoopy" in the past and I always found things when I snooped. I also remember my exes made me feel like I couldn't trust them, so I did snoop - eventually found things and I was completely right. My husband I don't have that urge to snoop, so that is a really good sign... I'm trying to learn to listen to my inner voice, those gut reactions, those sick feelings.

I did have the sick feeling that morning though, when I saw no text or call. That is also the absolute first time my husband has ever done anything to bring back that feeling.


----------



## samyeagar

notmyrealname4 said:


> 14 hours go by (no word from husband in far away city).
> 
> YOU had to break the silence (not him) and he takes AN HOUR to get back to you. So, that's 15 hours with no contact. How many of us are comfortable with 15 hours of NO contact, when our spouses are at work or home? Not many, be honest.
> 
> Some people say he didn't use another guys phone, 'cause that would be "emasculating", for him to have to call the wifey.
> 
> A mature man would not be the slightest bit reluctant to ask to borrow a cell phone to touch bases with his wife AT HOME WITH THEIR NEWBORN CHILD.
> 
> Oh, and there was a **landline** in the house. So, even if he is worried about looking bad in front of his buddies, ('cause he respects his wife ) : he coulda snuck off and used the landline without any other man noticing.
> 
> And it's very out of character for this guy. OP has made that evident.
> 
> As usual, bachelor parties are seen as sacrosanct.
> 
> I'm trying to imagine the TAM response to a man whose wife leaves for say, Vegas for an all out bachelorette weekend. She and her H have a longstanding agreement that they check in with each other. She goes incommunicado for 15 hours, despite the fact all 7 of her friends have phones, and there's a landline at their digs. While H stays at home with a one-year-old, worried about her; and remembering the past gf's that have cheated on him; which his wife knows about, and knows that it's a sore spot for him.
> 
> And, lap dances are cheating.


Easy there slugger...we've moved WAY past all this 

Short version...general consensus is that it was inconsiderate of him to not contact her, giving him the two day silent treatment was over the top, but then she revealed her innate mistrust of all men, husband included, even in absence of evidence. That mistrust is the reason for the apparent over reaction, and makes sense in that context. General consensus was also that bachelor/bachelorette parties with strippers are problematic for marriages, and no one really defended them.


----------



## mariemount12

sokillme said:


> Amen brother.


I can't do anything to stop a cheating friend, obviously I was surprised at her actions and wasn't like oh high five, go cheat on your boyfriend. They had only been dating a few months, but the next morning I did ask her if she thinks he's not the right guy for her, because maybe she isn't that in love with him if she could do that.
Turns out they broke up about a year later and she's still in unstable relationships. I don't even talk to her, we lost touch once I got married.


----------



## sokillme

Sounds like hyper vigilance and PTSD. I had something happen to me years ago, and for about 5 years certain triggers would put me right back there. It sucked. It did eventually go away but I had counseling, also I explained to my wife what I was feeling, once she got it she was very mindful of it and ended up helping me heal. Have you explained all of this to your husband, like - One time my ex did this and I did this, and I felt like this?



mariemount12 said:


> it's not as easy as you're saying it is, to just start trusting and shake these trust issues I have with men.


I never said trust I said have faith, I come from a religious background so this may be easier for me but love is truly and act of faith. You need to look at it that way. Doesn't mean you don't verify every once in a while.


----------



## samyeagar

mariemount12 said:


> When husband didn't call, I got this sick in my stomache feeling. My heart sank. I know I had no proof of anything wrong, just that he didn't call and I thought OMG what has happened. And my mind instantly went to cheating (not is he drunk in a ditch somewhere).
> In my past with the cheating and abusive ex whenever I had that feeling, whether it was from a weird text message I saw, or not hearing from them all night, or seeing a weird receipt etc. I would get that sick in my stomache feeling.
> I would question them, ask questions, do any investigating I could find. Did not find anything. That feeling wouldn't go away. Ex would say things such as "I would never do that.. I love you too much.. Let me show you some proof" - So I would drop it.
> Then months or a year later, whatever it was - the truth would come out. I was right. That worst case senario it happened.
> 
> So yeah it's hard.. I don't think bad things when nothing comes up that looks "shady". It's only when something comes up or happens that sparks that same feeling I had. Because it did end up being real. Maybe it is some form of PTSD.
> 
> My husband has never screwed up before like this. I also don't ever check his email, phone, bills etc. So I don't know maybe I was more "snoopy" in the past and I always found things when I snooped. I also remember my exes made me feel like I couldn't trust them, so I did snoop - eventually found things and I was completely right. My husband I don't have that urge to snoop, so that is a really good sign... I'm trying to learn to listen to my inner voice, those gut reactions, those sick feelings.
> 
> I did have the sick feeling that morning though, when I saw no text or call. That is also the absolute first time my husband has ever done anything to bring back that feeling.


Listen, what you went through with your exes was tough, and it would cause almost anyone to feel the way you are now.

The fact that you can actually acknowledge that things are this good with your husband, and the level of comfort you feel with him, especially in the context of your past hurts...you are way further along the road to recovery than many ever reach, and you are still working on it.

Professional help will certainly aide you with the nuances of what you are going through, but I really think you got this...just keep the communication going with your husband, keep things open, and don't ever do the silent treatment again.


----------



## richie33

notmyrealname4 said:


> 14 hours go by (no word from husband in far away city).
> 
> YOU had to break the silence (not him) and he takes AN HOUR to get back to you. So, that's 15 hours with no contact. How many of us are comfortable with 15 hours of NO contact, when our spouses are at work or home? Not many, be honest.
> 
> Some people say he didn't use another guys phone, 'cause that would be "emasculating", for him to have to call the wifey.
> 
> A mature man would not be the slightest bit reluctant to ask to borrow a cell phone to touch bases with his wife AT HOME WITH THEIR NEWBORN CHILD.
> 
> Oh, and there was a **landline** in the house. So, even if he is worried about looking bad in front of his buddies, ('cause he respects his wife ) : he coulda snuck off and used the landline without any other man noticing.
> 
> And it's very out of character for this guy. OP has made that evident.
> 
> As usual, bachelor parties are seen as sacrosanct.
> 
> I'm trying to imagine the TAM response to a man whose wife leaves for say, Vegas for an all out bachelorette weekend. She and her H have a longstanding agreement that they check in with each other. She goes incommunicado for 15 hours, despite the fact all 7 of her friends have phones, and there's a landline at their digs. While H stays at home with a one-year-old, worried about her; and remembering the past gf's that have cheated on him; which his wife knows about, and knows that it's a sore spot for him.
> 
> And, lap dances are cheating.


Don't define cheating for everyone here. I am sure the man or woman who walks in on their spouse having sex with someone other than them would laugh at your version of cheating. Inappropriate for marriage...yes.
OP I hope you don't talk yourself out of your marriage. If you stay in this forum long enough you will have a few that will tell you to hire a private investigator, put a VAR in his car, run. DNA on his clothes, have him take a lie detector test, etc. You define him as a good man...he dropped the ball once in your relationship, you can move on from this.


----------



## sokillme

mariemount12 said:


> I can't do anything to stop a cheating friend, obviously I was surprised at her actions and wasn't like oh high five, go cheat on your boyfriend. They had only been dating a few months, but the next morning I did ask her if she thinks he's not the right guy for her, because maybe she isn't that in love with him if she could do that.
> Turns out they broke up about a year later and she's still in unstable relationships. I don't even talk to her, we lost touch once I got married.


Moral of the story, if you are a woman never marry a hockey player. If you are a man, be a hockey player. :ezpi_wink1:

I kid, I kid, if you are a hockey player never get married.


----------



## mariemount12

notmyrealname4 said:


> 14 hours go by (no word from husband in far away city).
> 
> YOU had to break the silence (not him) and he takes AN HOUR to get back to you. So, that's 15 hours with no contact. How many of us are comfortable with 15 hours of NO contact, when our spouses are at work or home? Not many, be honest.
> 
> Some people say he didn't use another guys phone, 'cause that would be "emasculating", for him to have to call the wifey.
> 
> A mature man would not be the slightest bit reluctant to ask to borrow a cell phone to touch bases with his wife AT HOME WITH THEIR NEWBORN CHILD.
> 
> Oh, and there was a **landline** in the house. So, even if he is worried about looking bad in front of his buddies, ('cause he respects his wife ) : he coulda snuck off and used the landline without any other man noticing.
> 
> And it's very out of character for this guy. OP has made that evident.
> 
> As usual, bachelor parties are seen as sacrosanct.
> 
> I'm trying to imagine the TAM response to a man whose wife leaves for say, Vegas for an all out bachelorette weekend. She and her H have a longstanding agreement that they check in with each other. She goes incommunicado for 15 hours, despite the fact all 7 of her friends have phones, and there's a landline at their digs. While H stays at home with a one-year-old, worried about her; and remembering the past gf's that have cheated on him; which his wife knows about, and knows that it's a sore spot for him.
> 
> And, lap dances are cheating.



Correct. I just had to double check the time line.. but yes 7pm was the last message I got, saying the golf place "Top Golf" in Tampa if you've heard of it, pretty cool place. Then nothing... Knew their plan was to head home get changed and then head to the bar for the evening. Apparently the limo guy was being a bit of an idiot, so they had to go right from the golf place to the bar, so no time to change or charge cell phone. 
But yes, once he returned home there is a land line. And yes 7 other guys with him, all with phones. Not sure whos were all dead, but I am sure 1 of the 7 had phones. Also worth noting, that 5 of the 7 are also married, 2 of the 7 also married with kids. I am sure any of those guys would have understood, hey can I borrow your phone for a second.
I woke up at 7:30 am no messages - so I wrote my husband saying I couldn't believe I had not yet heard from him.
I finally got a message back from him at 9:30am.


----------



## mariemount12

sokillme said:


> Sounds like hyper vigilance and PTSD. I had something happen to me years ago, and for about 5 years certain triggers would put me right back there. It sucked. It did eventually go away but I had counseling, also I explained to my wife what I was feeling, once she got it she was very mindful of it and ended up helping me heal. Have you explained all of this to your husband, like - One time my ex did this and I did this, and I felt like this?
> 
> 
> 
> I never said trust I said have faith, I come from a religious background so this may be easier for me but love is truly and act of faith. You need to look at it that way. Doesn't mean you don't verify every once in a while.


My husband definitely knows my past. Details upon details. He sees why I would not trust men but he tried to reiterate that not ALL men are bad. He does have a really solid group of best friends (only 2 of them were at this bachelor) one single guy and the groom getting married. The rest of his best friends are all married with kids. They all got married years ago and this is a separate group of friends so none of them were there.

I always told my husband I didn't expect him to fix my past trust issues, I knew my exes were bad apples - the worst of the worst. I am not even remotely saying my husband is as bad as them, not even close. In retrospect, those types of men should have been avoided. I changed what I look for in "husband" material.
I believe my husband is exactly that.
I do still worry though... I have seen married men who I believe are good men and witnessed them do shady things. I am a woman after all.... Women see a lot because we see how men act towards US. When I see a married man take his wedding ring off and put it in his pocket and casually stroll over to approach my friend and I at a bar, it does get one thinking....

I know there is no easy solution to all this, except that I need therapy. I need to work these feelings out and why my brain automatically goes to worst case senarios. I haven't eaten in 3 days, this still bothers me. I still feel there is that possibility that this bachelor party is potentially "that one time my amazing husband cheated on me". 
I don't completely think it's not possible and that sucks. Because I really have no reason to doubt him, except for the MIA and no calling. My brain thinks of all the senarios and the worst case senario is still on my mind as an option.


----------



## richie33

notmyrealname4 said:


> I defined cheating for myself. Where did I say "let me define cheating for everyone here". Though I admit I thought it was self-evident.
> 
> Stripper wearing nothing but a g-string, gyrates on guys d!ck 'til he c*ms in his pants. Cheating defined.
> 
> I'll compromise with you. 99.99% naked stripper grinds on guys d!ck 'til he's so hard 'n' horny, he has to go finish himself off in a stall in the men's room. Let's define that as semi-cheating. I guess?
> 
> Have fun at your next guys night out at the strip club.


You are a very angry person. Sorry that you are hurting so much.


----------



## mariemount12

notmyrealname4 said:


> I defined cheating for myself. Where did I say "let me define cheating for everyone here". Though I admit I thought it was self-evident.
> 
> Stripper wearing nothing but a g-string, gyrates on guys d!ck 'til he c*ms in his pants. Cheating defined.
> 
> I'll compromise with you. 99.99% naked stripper grinds on guys d!ck 'til he's so hard 'n' horny, he has to go finish himself off in a stall in the men's room. Let's define that as semi-cheating. I guess?
> 
> Have fun at your next guys night out at the strip club.


I agree with you- this is cheating.
Going to a strip club isn't cheating (although makes many women uneasy) but I think "looking" isn't cheating.
If the stripper like you said is griding on your penis with you pants on - that is cheating to me too.
I always reverse things too - if I got crazy at a pool party with guys around and got drunk and took my bikini top off and sat on his lap and grinded up and down, I would think my husband would consider that cheating!


----------



## unbelievable

The idea that a husband might be relaxing and having a good time makes some women uneasy. If a guy is going to cease doing everything that might make a woman uneasy he might as well get hooked up to life support.


----------



## MAJDEATH

You'll never know if he cheated or not, but there is nothing you can do about it now. Just make sure you make your H your #1 priority, not the child.


----------



## MrsAldi

Women cheat in strip clubs too. 
I was at a bachelorette party where the girl got on their knees & gave BJs to males strippers. 
So please lets not all blame the men for being disgusting and so on. 
If people cheat it's because they want to. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## rockon

sokillme said:


> Moral of the story, if you are a woman never marry a hockey player. If you are a man, be a hockey player. :ezpi_wink1:
> 
> I kid, I kid, if you are a hockey player never get married.


:lol:


----------



## mariemount12

notmyrealname4 said:


> 14 hours go by (no word from husband in far away city).
> 
> YOU had to break the silence (not him) and he takes AN HOUR to get back to you. So, that's 15 hours with no contact. How many of us are comfortable with 15 hours of NO contact, when our spouses are at work or home? Not many, be honest.
> 
> Some people say he didn't use another guys phone, 'cause that would be "emasculating", for him to have to call the wifey.
> 
> A mature man would not be the slightest bit reluctant to ask to borrow a cell phone to touch bases with his wife AT HOME WITH THEIR NEWBORN CHILD.
> 
> Oh, and there was a **landline** in the house. So, even if he is worried about looking bad in front of his buddies, ('cause he respects his wife ) : he coulda snuck off and used the landline without any other man noticing.
> 
> And it's very out of character for this guy. OP has made that evident.


My husband definitely would not have not used someone's phone because it was emasculating, like some posters here said. He admits he could have used someone's phone but didn't.
Some of the other guys are married with kids, so I know they would have understood too. That is definitely not an excuse he is playing here.

He flat out said his phone died at the golf place, the limo driver showed up and he had to fight with him to drive them back home to change, he wouldn't so they had to go right to the bar. So he was not able to use the landline or charge cell phone. Ok fine

Fast forward to the bar.. Would have been there at least a few hours. Did not use someone's phone at all. Says he left around 1:30-2am.. drunk. I asked how did he get home. He said a taxi out front (so no need to call one - dead cell phone alibi is still ok).
Says he returned home and passed right out in bed.

So he could have still used the landline but didn't. He obviously was a drunken right off to be able to just pass out and not use the land line, or charge the cell phone for a quick second.

So passes out 1:30-2 am .. wakes up sends message at 9:30 am - so slept out cold for say 7-7.5 hours.. totally possible yes.

I wonder if there is anything else I am missing that might put a hole in this story.. I did ask if I checked his cell phone records would I see no calls from 7pm - 9:30am and he said absolutely and showed me on his phone history there was nothing.

Yet still, even the no calls - he still could have been phone less and up to no good. Strip clubs, girls hotels? Don't need a cell phone for any of that.

He also said, when he left the bar at 1:30-2am he left alone. The guys stayed back. One guy was already back home passed out because he got so drunk he got kicked out of the bar upon arrival. So apparently just the two of them would have been home. The remaining guys he said all returned home later at some point in the evening after the bar.. I believe the bar there closes at 4am-ish (I have been to it before).


----------



## mariemount12

MrsAldi said:


> Women cheat in strip clubs too.
> I was at a bachelorette party where the girl got on their knees & gave BJs to males strippers.
> So please lets not all blame the men for being disgusting and so on.
> If people cheat it's because they want to.
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Eww lol.. Male strippers are nasty. Not even cause of their profession, physically I find a lot of them gross lol


----------



## richie33

notmyrealname4 said:


> In some ways, yes I'm an angry person. Not sure that's entirely wrong. I doubt you are sorry that I am hurting. Thank-you for observing the social niceties.
> 
> You say my version of cheating (man brought to point of ejaculation by lap dancing stripper) would be laughed at by anyone who walked in on their spouse having sex with someone else. Why? What is the material difference? That strip-club-guy doesn't (usually) know the stripper?
> 
> Is it okay to have a naked woman (naked except for a piece of ribbon threaded through her a.s.s. crack) hump your c*ck until you're JUST at the point of blowing . . . but you make it to the head just in time to j.i.z.z. ?? So, then _technically_, you didn't c.u.m. "with" her? That would still be ok? I mean, "not appropriate for marriage" but still okay????


Is this what you have seen happen at a strip club? Every man who very walked into one is behaving like you say. I havent been to one in a very, very long time but your experience is nothing like I have ever seen. So this is obviously what you think her husband was up to.


----------



## mariemount12

My husband also keeps swearing on our daughter's life he never cheated on me and they didn't go to a strip club (not that he would have to lie, I have actually OK'd strip clubs for bachelor parties) I'm such a nice wife lol.
He swears everything he has told me is the absolute truth and keeps swearing on our daughter's life.
This does make me want to believe him and move on and get therapy for the deep trust issues unrelated to him and move on.
I feel if any man is going to swear on their daughter's life (when they actually cheated) they are sick sick sick in the head.

He says he will never goto another bachelor party ever again because of how this has all made me feel. He regrets only getting so drunk and not calling or texting - if that is all I needed to trust him that night.

I hope I feel better about this.. But I am definitely going to talk to someone.


----------



## MrsAldi

mariemount12 said:


> Eww lol.. Male strippers are nasty. Not even cause of their profession, physically I find a lot of them gross lol


I lost so called "friends" after that incident, labeled a prude & frigid because I'd rather die than touch some strippers. 
I didn't even go to the wedding. 
Some men & women are equally despicable at strip clubs when they have a cheating, no morals attitude. 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## richie33

notmyrealname4 said:


> @richie33
> 
> 
> If you don't believe me, here are perspectives from both OP and another poster.


And I am telling you I have never seen anything remotely like that. I have seen terrible behaviour at a bar. I worked as a bartender and seen married men and women acting single but the majority of the men and women act respectively and accordingly. If you are a cheater you will do it anywhere. The way you describe men lose all common sense as soon as they walk into a strip joint and it's not true.


----------



## richie33

notmyrealname4 said:


> My question to you was whether or not men completely letting go at strip clubs, in the way I describe, was as much cheating as someone walking in on their spouse cheating.
> 
> You indicated earlier that I was laughable for suggesting it.
> 
> *For the second time: Why? What is the difference?*
> 
> You've sidestepped the question, and brought up a different, though related issue: is this what regularly happens at strip clubs. And (as you already know) this sometimes happens at strip clubs, and sometimes doesn't go that far. It may depend on the standards of the strip club, or the individual stripper and what they think they can get away with. It's all about money to them.


My wife should be more worried about me going to a singles bar than a strip joint. The stripper wants my money ( I am way too cheap to buy a lap dance, doesn't appeal to me) . The woman at the bar may want you take them home and have an relationship.As per the OP the husband said he didnt go to a strip joint. She knows him best. Said he is a good man.


----------



## sokillme

mariemount12 said:


> I hope I feel better about this.. But I am definitely going to talk to someone.


You are not going to feel better if you keep letting your fears get the better of you. How about calling one of the wives and just feeling her out. Don't directly ask her but just see what she says about the day he was missing. 

Honestly OP time to get off this thread, I think he was just having fun got drunk and kind of forgot, I get that that sucks for you but it is not cheating. You should not assume the worst of the man you married, the father of your child. Have some faith in your own decision making. Guys are not just slaves to our desires, it's not like we see a hot girl and can't control ourselves.

Your exes cheated on you because they are bad people not because they are guys who can't control themselves. No they made definite choices to do an evil thing. Do you think you husband is that way? Has he done anything else to make you think he would do this?


----------



## Phil Anders

So he's home, explained and apologized profusely for the lapse in observing your conventional protocol, and for causing you distress. 

I missed where you apologized to him for passive-aggressively and intentionally freezing him out for two days, which was way more of a d1ck move than his drunkenly neglecting to call you for 14.5 hours. I missed where you forgave him and acknowledged to him what you've told us: that you have pathological trust issues around men that would put you over the weight limit for most domestic air travel. 

It's a little disturbing that you're apparently content to let your nice guy H grovel and accept all the blame for this situation while you continue to speak here of "becoming a drill sergeant" wrt future trips, solicit strip-club horror stories from the TAM echo chamber, and scrutinize his alibi for possible holes.


----------



## lifeistooshort

I think the bottom line is that married people don't need to be partying for 4 days out of town. I've seen threads here on TAM involving girls' trips to Vegas where the guys lose their minds because we all know that drunk women can't control themselves.

Like this one:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/312825-bachelorette-party-vegas.html


So how is this different? Take a look at the very different responses where it's a woman going out to party.

This guy had no business taking off for 4 days to party while his wife was at home with an infant.


----------



## richie33

notmyrealname4 said:


> So you witnessed bad behavior and good behavior in bars. I believe you.
> 
> Your wife should worry more about you going to a singles bar, because you are too cheap to buy a lap dance. Okay.
> 
> 
> I notice that you still have not answered the original question I posed.
> 
> You said it was laughable for me to suggest that a strip club patron ejaculating in his pants, or coming close to it; is comparable to a spouse walking in on their SO cheating.
> 
> So, for the third time, why? What is so different about it? You have the testimony from women on the thread that completed sex acts DO take place at strip clubs and bachelor parties; even if you personally have not seen this happen.
> 
> OP's husband may be a good decent man. But he alarmed his wife by going dark on her for 14-1/2 hours while far away on a bachelor party trip. When he knows her past bf's betrayals. And they had an agreement to check in with each other.


11pages two posters said they heard of bad behavior in a strip club so that means you are correct...gotcha. You made a statement that lap dances are cheating. I said that not all people believe that, you made up laughable. Then you have gone on and on about how men who get a lap dance either cum in their pants, stripper does it for them or go to the bathroom and rub one out. I said I don't believe that's true. 
His phone died. It happens all the time. He made a mistake by not finding away to call her. But her insecurities play a huge part in all this. He made a error in judgement but he is not responsible for all the bad men in her past.


----------



## Blondilocks

Asking to borrow someone's phone is emasculating? Not even. He didn't want to be seen as checking in with the old lady as it might seem that he is pvssy whipped. He still cares what a bunch of frat boys think. If he needed to check the weather, would he have found it emasculating? Didn't think so.

He's 33 years old. How long will it take him to admit to all of his friends that he has a wife and a relatively new-born baby girl who look forward to hearing from him?


----------



## lifeistooshort

I'll assume that any guy who believes that lap dances are just fine is also ok with a guy dancing with his d!ck in their wife's face.

If so then kudos for being fair. 

Yet somehow I doubt most guys would be ok with that.

I can say that if my husband goes to a strip club and gets a lap dance then he's getting frozen out for a lot longer than a couple of days.

I'll rethink whether I want to remain married to him.


----------



## TomNebraska

mariemount12 said:


> My husband also keeps swearing on our daughter's life he never cheated on me and they didn't go to a strip club (not that he would have to lie, I have actually OK'd strip clubs for bachelor parties) I'm such a nice wife lol.
> He swears everything he has told me is the absolute truth and keeps swearing on our daughter's life.
> This does make me want to believe him and move on and get therapy for the deep trust issues unrelated to him and move on.
> I feel if any man is going to swear on their daughter's life (when they actually cheated) they are sick sick sick in the head.
> 
> He says he will never goto another bachelor party ever again because of how this has all made me feel. He regrets only getting so drunk and not calling or texting - if that is all I needed to trust him that night.
> 
> I hope I feel better about this.. But I am definitely going to talk to someone.


late reply, but I think you should trust him and try to relax a bit. in my own experience, I've been out, away from home for a weekend football game, drinking heavily with friends, and didn't call my wife like I promised until the next morning. I didn't cheat or have any intention of doing so, and was with a couple guys the entire time. But heavy drinking, partying, eating, and sleeping sometimes make it easy to forget to call your wife, even though you swore you would. 

going forward: If you didn't have a clear, calm conversation about what happened, why he didn't call, and how upset this made you, do so. 

If you detect any red flags, and you feel you need to, maybe try to confirm what went on there via a third party. But as a warning sign, think about what you are prepared to do in the worst case scenario (not saying there is one, but consider your end game here.)

the bottom line is, you need to trust your spouse, and if you can't do that, you're in for a rocky road ahead. 



lifeistooshort said:


> I think the bottom line is that married people don't need to be partying for 4 days out of town. ...
> 
> This guy had no business taking off for 4 days to party while his wife was at home with an infant.


I agree with you, more or less. If this was a really close friend, he could've avoided some of the more lewd aspects of it, or limited it to a shorter visit. if not a close friend, probably better to avoid it altogether. 

to be fair to him, she let him go to bachelor parties before, so he probably didn't see any problem here.


----------



## richie33

Blondilocks said:


> Asking to borrow someone's phone is emasculating? Not even. He didn't want to be seen as checking in with the old lady as it might seem that he is pvssy whipped. He still cares what a bunch of frat boys think. If he needed to check the weather, would he have found it emasculating? Didn't think so.
> 
> He's 33 years old. How long will it take him to admit to all of his friends that he has a wife and a relatively new-born baby girl who look forward to hearing from him?


You are 100% right. He was wrong, should have borrowed a phone, found a pay phone, called from the hotel even if he was sh*t faced. But what is he supposed to do now? He has apologized profusely, what more can be done?


----------



## sokillme

Blondilocks said:


> Asking to borrow someone's phone is emasculating? Not even. He didn't want to be seen as checking in with the old lady as it might seem that he is pvssy whipped. He still cares what a bunch of frat boys think. If he needed to check the weather, would he have found it emasculating? Didn't think so.
> 
> He's 33 years old. How long will it take him to admit to all of his friends that he has a wife and a relatively new-born baby girl who look forward to hearing from him?



I don't think it is emasculating either, I think he is just stupid.


----------



## lifeistooshort

TomNebraska said:


> late reply, but I think you should trust him and try to relax a bit. in my own experience, I've been out, away from home for a weekend football game, drinking heavily with friends, and didn't call my wife like I promised until the next morning. I didn't cheat or have any intention of doing so, and was with a couple guys the entire time. But heavy drinking, partying, eating, and sleeping sometimes make it easy to forget to call your wife, even though you swore you would.
> 
> going forward: If you didn't have a clear, calm conversation about what happened, why he didn't call, and how upset this made you, do so.
> 
> If you detect any red flags, and you feel you need to, maybe try to confirm what went on there via a third party. But as a warning sign, think about what you are prepared to do in the worst case scenario (not saying there is one, but consider your end game here.)
> 
> the bottom line is, you need to trust your spouse, and if you can't do that, you're in for a rocky road ahead.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree with you, more or less. If this was a really close friend, he could've avoided some of the more lewd aspects of it, or limited it to a shorter visit. if not a close friend, probably better to avoid it altogether.
> 
> to be fair to him, she let him go to bachelor parties before, so he probably didn't see any problem here.


Perhaps. I do think leaving your wife at home with an infant while you party for 4 days is a crappy thing to do, I don't care how close you are to the groom. If you need to party for days before your wedding then perhaps you didn't live enough before you decided to get married.

Few men would be ok with their wife going to Vegas for days to party with the girls, even if the bride was her sister.

I wonder if he'd be ok with her going to do the same thing when her time comes? It actually might say a lot about whether he really is innocent here. 

He really had no idea this would bother her? Sometimes it's easier to do what you want and beg forgiveness because in the end you got to do what you wanted.

But no, there's not much more he can do at this point. If I was her I would tell him that he has one chance to be completely honest and she'll discuss it, but if she finds out later that he is lying about anything the consequences will be much worse.

I do think that she's too hung up on his failure to call though. To me that means absolutely nothing in regards to what he might have done.


----------



## sokillme

notmyrealname4 said:


> @richie33
> 
> 
> If you don't believe me, here are perspectives from both OP and another poster.


Where is the first quote from?


----------



## Phil Anders

Blondilocks said:


> Asking to borrow someone's phone is emasculating? Not even. He didn't want to be seen as checking in with the old lady as it might seem that he is pvssy whipped. He still cares what a bunch of frat boys think. If he needed to check the weather, would he have found it emasculating? Didn't think so.
> 
> He's 33 years old. How long will it take him to admit to all of his friends that he has a wife and a relatively new-born baby girl who look forward to hearing from him?


:scratchhead:



mariemount12 said:


> My husband definitely would not have *not* used someone's phone because it was emasculating, like some posters here said. He admits he could have used someone's phone but didn't.
> Some of the other guys are married with kids, so I know they would have understood too. That is definitely not an excuse he is playing here.


----------



## Blondilocks

Phil Anders said:


> :scratchhead:


Geez, I missed her second 'not'. My bad. Carry on.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

allow the guy some space.

if it was batchelor event he's not going to be breaking the party to call home to mummy. and 9am wake up? not likely if it was a decent get together.

you hormones are in overdrive - normal after childbirth, ...that you got a call at 10am is impressive. Most wouldn't have replied/noticed their phone until they get home.


----------



## sokillme

notmyrealname4 said:


> Not exactly sure what you mean by "first"; so I made my best estimation and provided the above.


Wow I missed that one. 2 out of 10, OP really has a low opinion of men. 

As a man I can't think of one man in my close circle who would cheat. I would be shocked actually.


----------



## Bibi1031

mariemount12 said:


> *I'm going to work on this, because it's not as easy as you're saying it is, to just start trusting and shake these trust issues I have with men. It more than likely is caused by the 2 bad relationships in a row. *
> 
> Some of us can be very trusting after the trauma you have been through and some of us can't. It's that simple and yet can get very complicated when something like what you experienced happens. Your husband will not do this again. He may not have realized this before the trip, but boy did he get hit by that 2 x 4 now. Stay strong, you are doing the right thing by communicating very clearly with him what YOU need. He understands fully now. I am glad you two are working this out.
> 
> 
> *I think they are genetically designed to do so.*



*I think they are genetically designed to do so.*

If you are a religious person, there are several instances that attest to this in the bible. It also states that females are capable of this as well as pretty much worst things. Humans are capable of a lot of damage because the body is weak. 

No worries in your case. I am glad your husband has helped ease your concerns and that you honestly believe him when he states he did not cheat. I, like most of us here, believe him. There are some great men out there, just like women and then there are the "others"


----------



## Miss Independent

.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

sokillme said:


> Wow I missed that one. 2 out of 10, OP really has a low opinion of men.
> 
> As a man I can't think of one man in my close circle who would cheat. I would be shocked actually.


I can think of about half... but they truly do love their partners. Being more about the home situation and how their partners honor and care about them, than some "opportunity to get away with it".

Often when a man loves a woman, its because he wants her to be the single person he cares most about, and for her to return that affection.
when kids change a woman, and when work pressures demand more focus to stay viable in the outside world, often that love isn't reciprocated which leaves a vacuum.


----------



## lifeistooshort

spinsterdurga said:


> She's planning to go out of town as well so I don't see how it was crappy for him to go.


Well that is a valid point. Has she said how long she plans to be gone? 

And she has said he'd be upset if she behaved like him. 

But whatever. I'm all about fairness and equity so if it's good for one it's good for the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TAMNewb

lifeistooshort said:


> I'll assume that any guy who believes that lap dances are just fine is also ok with a guy dancing with his d!ck in their wife's face.
> 
> If so then kudos for being fair.


I'd be fine with it, as long as she enjoyed it. Would give me a ray of hope that there's the slightest bit of sexuality hidden somewhere in her being.


----------



## Openminded

It's over and done and won't happen again (unless some of his friends divorce and decide to remarry) but -- as a caution -- swearing on your child's life that nothing happened doesn't always mean that it didn't. TAM has had any number of betrayed spouses who learned otherwise. Just be aware.


----------



## sokillme

lifeistooshort said:


> I think the bottom line is that married people don't need to be partying for 4 days out of town. I've seen threads here on TAM involving girls' trips to Vegas where the guys lose their minds because we all know that drunk women can't control themselves.
> 
> Like this one:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/312825-bachelorette-party-vegas.html
> 
> 
> So how is this different? Take a look at the very different responses where it's a woman going out to party.
> 
> This guy had no business taking off for 4 days to party while his wife was at home with an infant.



How about a hunting, or golf trip. Not strip joints?


----------



## happy as a clam

sokillme said:


> How about a hunting, or golf trip. Not strip joints?


YES!!!

Much healthier, IMHO. A bunch of guys sitting around a campfire roasting MEAT (think Caveman), tossing back some cold beers, boasting about their golf round, and p*ssing in the woods. Much healthier than Vegas, strippers, and nightclubs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JukeboxHero

IMHO, the OP does have major insecurity issues, but I can kinda understand why, particularly if you have been cheated on TWICE before. However, I can assure you that there are honest, trustworthy guys who would never cheat, and I hope your H is one of those guys (It sounds like he is). I personally feel that I would be one of those guys. Cheating is something that has never occured to me. Of course, I don't go out to bars and clubs/Strip-clubs that much, either, nor do I get "hit on" in my everyday life.

Funny thing about me, actually; even before I was married, I never felt the desire to go to a Strip Club. I've been to plenty of bachelor parties with my friends before as a single guy, but I always left/went home before the Strippers part of the party. I don't know why, I just always thought of Strip-clubs as cheap and dirty. Plus I'm cheap and I guess I never wanted to spend money for quick dance that would be over in a matter of minutes. I'm guessing I'm pretty unique in that respect.

If I were still married, particularly if I had a W and 2 month old @ home, I doubt I would even go to the strip clubs at all...I would probably go back to the hotel and do some Facetime/Skype because I missed my wife and was excited about out baby. But again, that's just me. That being said, I have dropped the ball and not responded to my XW's calls/txts before, mainly because I didn't hear them and/or I was in the middle of an important event. 
Personally, I feel the Bachelor party thing can be risky business, especially for someone who has these particular insecurities and boundaries, along with your history of being cheated on.

I hope you can work things out when he gets home @mariemount12, has he come home yet?


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## sokillme

JukeboxHero said:


> IMHO, the OP does have major insecurity issues, but I can kinda understand why, particularly if you have been cheated on TWICE before. However, I can assure you that there are honest, trustworthy guys who would never cheat, and I hope your H is one of those guys (It sounds like he is). I personally feel that I would be one of those guys. Cheating is something that has never occured to me. Of course, I don't go out to bars and clubs/Strip-clubs that much, either, nor do I get "hit on" in my everyday life.
> 
> Funny thing about me, actually; even before I was married, I never felt the desire to go to a Strip Club. I've been to plenty of bachelor parties with my friends before as a single guy, but I always left/went home before the Strippers part of the party. I don't know why, I just always thought of Strip-clubs as cheap and dirty. Plus I'm cheap and I guess I never wanted to spend money for quick dance that would be over in a matter of minutes. I'm guessing I'm pretty unique in that respect.
> 
> If I were still married, particularly if I had a W and 2 month old @ home, I doubt I would even go to the strip clubs at all...I would probably go back to the hotel and do some Facetime/Skype because I missed my wife and was excited about out baby. But again, that's just me. That being said, I have dropped the ball and not responded to my XW's calls/txts before, mainly because I didn't hear them and/or I was in the middle of an important event.
> Personally, I feel the Bachelor party thing can be risky business, especially for someone who has these particular insecurities and boundaries, along with your history of being cheated on.
> 
> I hope you can work things out when he gets home @mariemount12, has he come home yet?



Again my thing with strip clubs is why go to a doughnut shop if you are only going to look at the doughnuts. Makes no sense. Plus I know it would be upsetting to my wife and since I really don't like it now anyway why bother. 

I had my fun when I was young and unmarried.


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## Blondilocks

happy as a clam said:


> YES!!!
> 
> Much healthier, IMHO. A bunch of guys sitting around a campfire roasting MEAT (think Caveman), tossing back some cold beers, boasting about their golf round, and p*ssing in the woods. Much healthier than Vegas, strippers, and nightclubs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I imagine Vegas, strippers and nightclubs are more fun to think about than scenes from Deliverance.:wink2:


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## samyeagar

lifeistooshort said:


> Perhaps. I do think leaving your wife at home with an infant while you party for 4 days is a crappy thing to do, I don't care how close you are to the groom. If you need to party for days before your wedding then perhaps you didn't live enough before you decided to get married.
> 
> *Few men would be ok with their wife going to Vegas for days to party with the girls, even if the bride was her sister.
> 
> I wonder if he'd be ok with her going to do the same thing when her time comes? It actually might say a lot about whether he really is innocent here. *
> 
> He really had no idea this would bother her? Sometimes it's easier to do what you want and beg forgiveness because in the end you got to do what you wanted.
> 
> But no, there's not much more he can do at this point. If I was her I would tell him that he has one chance to be completely honest and she'll discuss it, but if she finds out later that he is lying about anything the consequences will be much worse.
> 
> I do think that she's too hung up on his failure to call though. To me that means absolutely nothing in regards to what he might have done.


She has said several times that going to bachelor and bachelorette parties is their thing. They have both gone to them and were fine with the other one going. She also said that this one was just going to a bar, not even a strip club. In fact, she is going to a bachelorette party in the near future.


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## samyeagar

happy as a clam said:


> YES!!!
> 
> Much healthier, IMHO. A bunch of guys sitting around a campfire roasting MEAT (think Caveman), tossing back some cold beers, boasting about their golf round, and p*ssing in the woods. Much healthier than Vegas, strippers, and nightclubs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My bachelor party involved a few of my buddies and I going golfing at a really nice course a few hours away that I had wanted to go to fo quite some time, but getting tee times and the cost had always made it close to impossible. It was exactly what I wanted. We had a great time, and it wasn't even an over night.

Ironically, I have been to the strip club I think three times since I have been married...each time with my wife, and at her suggestion. She would have no problems with me going with guy friends, but I have never taken her up on that because meh...just not my thing.


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## samyeagar

sokillme said:


> Again my thing with strip clubs is why go to a doughnut shop if you are only going to look at the doughnuts. Makes no sense. Plus I know it would be upsetting to my wife and since I really don't like it now anyway why bother.
> 
> I had my fun when I was young and unmarried.


I will say this...there are plenty of guys who can look at a woman, even an attractive one who is mostly naked, appreciate the fact that she is beautiful and naked, without feeling like they want to, or need to bang her.


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## AVR1962

samyeagar said:


> I will say this...there are plenty of guys who can look at a woman, even an attractive one who is mostly naked, appreciate the fact that she is beautiful and naked, without feeling like they want to, or need to bang her.


This is nice to know! I have had two cheater husbands so I would be more like OP as far as my feelings of uncertainty towards this sitaution. However, if there has been no sign of issues OP, you might actually have a good guy....I sure hope so!!!


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## cons

Unfortunately this incident was a molehill that became a mountain...and now the husband is apologizing (on his daughter's life for that matter) for a story that the OP created.

Instead just focus on the boundary that needs to defined (advocate for what you need)...
But then give your husband the respect to demonstrate his care and love for you in honoring the boundaries going forward.


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## EllisRedding

cons said:


> Unfortunately this incident was a molehill that became a mountain...and now the husband is apologizing (on his daughter's life for that matter) for a story that the OP created.


Yes, that is my issue with this whole thing. The OP has stated basically that her H is an amazing husband/father. This "not calling/texting" incident is the FIRST time he has failed to do that (let's not forget he did in fact call/text the other 3 days), and it warranted all this anger for days from the OP  I can understand if this was a constant issue, but it was the FIRST TIME, the H hasn't earned enough respect where the OP couldn't just talk to him about it when he got home. That is why I had mentioned before that if I was the H, based on this, I would feel like I would need to walk on eggshells around the OP. Her reaction would also make me want to act more defiant.


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## samyeagar

AVR1962 said:


> This is nice to know! I have had two cheater husbands so I would be more like OP as far as my feelings of uncertainty towards this sitaution. However, if there has been no sign of issues OP, you might actually have a good guy....I sure hope so!!!


It truly shocked my wife the first time we went to a strip club, when she grinded her butt into my crotch at one point during the night and realized I wasn't hard at all...shocked at that, she assumed I wasn't enjoying myself, and was in a state of disbelief when I told her that I was enjoying myself...it did make her feel feel pretty good when she felt me responding to her grinding though...

Another way to put it...just because I love going to the art museum doesn't mean I want to take any of the paintings home with me.


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## rob.gill

A lot of the discussion talks should revolve around attachment theory. The inability of couples to understand each other's emotional attachment style can be detrimental in situations like this. Check out these guys, they might be able to help you: betterify.us


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## sokillme

samyeagar said:


> I will say this...there are plenty of guys who can look at a woman, even an attractive one who is mostly naked, appreciate the fact that she is beautiful and naked, without feeling like they want to, or need to bang her.


It's not so much wanting to band the stripper, I think it just can bring up some questions in ones mind that are not good.

To continue with my analogy. So you go to the doughnut shop and you don't eat them then you leave. But now you have doughnuts on your mind. The next time you eat you think about doughnuts. Maybe you are at work and someone leaves some doughnuts out. Now you have been thinking about the doughnuts that you saw from the day before, the ones you looked at but didn't eat. Damn it's getting difficult to not eat the doughnuts. Well there is also some smaller pastries there, you could eat that right, I mean it's not a doughnut, Why put yourself through that.


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## sokillme

How are you doing today OP? Any better?


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## mariemount12

sokillme said:


> How are you doing today OP? Any better?


I am feeling a lot better, thank you for asking!
Since hubby has been home, we are back to our usual selves and in love and all is good. Love our little family!

I have made an appointment with a therapist - I do still want to go.
This issue for me, did spark up a lot of uncomfortable feelings and it is worth discussing. I know 1000% it is because of my past. I am curious if it is some sort of hyper vigilance, PTSD or stress disorder I have. I really had no idea it was still lingering deep down.
My husband like I mentioned, has never done anything before to spark that insecurity in me - I myself had no idea it was there.
I agree now, after a few days of my emotions settling down about all this, that yes sure I still think it was ****ty of him not to call, but my reaction was over the top.
I cannot even describe the emotional feelings I was having at the time, there was honestly no way for me to control that. He set off something inside me for sure. Could it be possible that it's related to post-partum depression from having my baby, oh absolutely.
I have been fine the last 2 months, but the first few weeks after delivery I was an absolute mess. Crying for no reason, it was horrible and very exhausting. It seemed to be gone, but maybe it's possible that is still there somewhat as well.

What we have resolved is that:
1) My husband won't be going to anymore out of town bachelor parties. His idea. 
Realistically he has no more anyway, everyone close to him is married. 
2) If he does need to go away out of town, he will 100% make sure he calls me - like he has always done and vice versa

And for myself:
1) I am going to therapy to work on what is going on inside of me. I agree it is not healthy for me to get that emotionally worked up and instantly think the worst. I need to trust him and I need to control that fight or flight / panic mode I was in - My reaction towards him was so extreme that it was as eggagerated as if he DID cheat. I need to stop that, sure I can be mad or concerned or inside I might feel that insecurity, but I need to control it better. It is not fair to him and I agree with that.

This issue has made me realize that I do still have some wounds from my past and I need to work on them if I want a healthy marriage. I do trust my husband, I never doubt him at home on a daily basis. We have never had anything like this happen before. 

When I got off these forums and my husband and I stopped going over this and just let it go, I actually got some clarity. I woke up the other day, no emotions running high and I thought to myself, my husband is a GOOD MAN and he would NOT do that. I truely felt it. My response when I didn't get his call that evening/morning was definitely an emotional response that was irrational and most likely fear based. It must have reminded me of a feeling from my past and I felt that fear all over again. 

Just because all is good and I feel good and we are doing good, I still am going to talk to someone because I don't want this happening again. If we had been through something to spark this before we would have known, but I honestly had no idea that was lingering inside of me. We have a wonderful marriage and I have never questioned or doubted my husband before.

I do want to talk with a therapist and try to understand why I can trust him on a daily basis, yet something like that sparked my trust issue so badly? That confuses me. I have often heard of people with trust issues and they check their spouses phones, emails, question them on things all the time, doubt them, usually it occurs really frequently, not just after a one time isolated incident?

So it's obviously a good sign that I don't have a complete lack of trust, but I need to figure out why this trigger happened so I can stop this from getting out of hand next time (hopefully there isn't a next time).

Thanks for all the concern and while it was helpful, I do hope I am not back here posting lol... Hopefully we are happy and enjoying our family and wonderful marriage :smile2:


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## richie33

Thanks for the update. Glad everything is back on track.


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