# End of my rope...need some help!



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

I have been married for 13 years....with this man for 19. (I'm 42 and my husband is 45)
Of course, in the beginning, things were good. But after some time, things have happened and I'm in a tough place.
We got pregnant in 2000 and our son was born in 2001. In that time my husband hurt his back and started sleeping on the floor (he said it helped) and hasn't returned to our bed. He's tried a few times (when we've had fights or talks) but I'm so used to it now, I don't want him back in bed with me.
While my son was a baby, my husband just didn't get it. It seems some (I won't say most, although I think I'm right) men don't think that their lives have to change once a baby comes into your lives. They just don't get that it's no longer about you two as a couple and mostly about taking care of this gift you've been given. *First time I was ready to leave him*
Fast forward---> We don't have sex, I can't remember the last time we REALLY kissed, we don't argue but don't communicate, I've tried atleast 1/2 dozen times to talk to him, he shuts down and I'm at the end of my rope!
I asked for a seperation last weekend, not only did he refuse to leave "our home, our son and me", he walks around like I never said it. I am in therapy, asked him to go...he refused. "Let's talk to a pastor" (his best friend is a pastor) uh...no, that's just too close for comfort....I've gone to see an attorney and while she's told me what to do....I just don't feel right about it. I mean, I asked for a seperation, not a divorce just yet. 
So...anyone out there have ANY suggestions, been in this situation or anything? Need more info? My fingers are ready! lol


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Why does HE have to be the one to leave if YOU are the one that wants the seperation? If you need some time to sort things out and decide if you want to still stay married, then YOU should leave, and try and work out some way that both of you can raise your child, while living seperately. I know if my wife wanted to seperate, I would not be the one to leave, and if I wanted to seperate, I would not expect her to be the one to leave.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Well, I have thought about leaving...actually, it's ALL I think about. 
My husband isn't working (he is doing some painting work on the side) and his parents own a home that is empty (it's a really nice home, the one he grew up in). My only reason for asking him to leave is so that it's not a financial burden to try and run two households. I have a place to go, I can afford it...but here I go again trying to make things easier on him.
And our son, I know I've been with this man for nearly 20 years...but I have NO idea what he's going to say or be willing to do about our child. You never know what people will do when they are backed against the wall. I'm scared and confused...and I need some time away from him and all the stress and depression I've been living in. I want to be fair and raise our son...I don't want to keep him from his dad and I certainly don't want him to keep him from me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't ask for a separation. You tell him that, unless he is willing to help you improve the marriage, YOU will get a separation. Then he has a choice to make.

fwiw, the comment about life changing bothers me a bit. How much time did you give your husband before the baby was born?

How much time do you now give him?

You DO owe your husband your time. Just because the child is here doesn't mean you're supposed to stop being intimate and caring and giving and romantic and fun together. 

Many MANY marriages fall apart because the woman replaces her husband with the child - the child doesn't nag, doesn't gripe, gives her unconditional love, is fun to be around, and makes her feel GOOD. The husband? Not so much. So he gets shoved into the corner and turns 'off' from the marriage, and rightly so.

Can you honestly say that you have not done this?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

There's always two sides of the story and marriage issues are rarely one sided.

granted, some of this may be due to his back. I'm not sure what you can do about that. Is he depressed because of this? On medication for pain/depression?

he was willing to go to his pastor, why not give it a try? Can it be any worse than you are living now? You don't want to go down the separation/divorce route unless you have tried everything.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, I, too, sleep on the floor sometimes when my back hurts. It helps a lot. So did my mom, and so does my daughter.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Yes...I can!  HE is the one that's not interested in sex. I have BEGGED and been turned down to the point that I have felt so ugly, fat, unattractive and unwanted (FOR YEARS!). And not to toot my own horn, but I'm attractive...so why doesn't my own husband want me? I sat down w/him 3 years ago and told him my concerns...that without sex (although it's not ALL there is to a relationship, it is a PART of it) that I feel like his roommate. I said the same thing 2 years ago, a year ago, three weeks ago and now last Friday night. He has disconnected from me and I'm tired of trying to hold on. He doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere and that's not me...so I tried doing things alone or involving my friends. But I've done that for years and it's not helping. I want to be in love again, to make love again to feel the connection with someone instead of just living with a my and my child. He won't give me what I need, even when I've asked, hell pleaded for it! So, while he says he loves me, doesn't want to lose me...he doesn't act that way and certainly hasn't done much to try and keep me.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> There's always two sides of the story and marriage issues are rarely one sided.
> 
> granted, some of this may be due to his back. I'm not sure what you can do about that. Is he depressed because of this? On medication for pain/depression?
> 
> he was willing to go to his pastor, why not give it a try? Can it be any worse than you are living now? You don't want to go down the separation/divorce route unless you have tried everything.



There is two sides...I doubt very seriously he would dream of giving you his side. He doesn't even want to aknowledge there IS a problem.

He is on no medication and is very fit. He used to body build and has one of the best bodies I've seen on a 45 year old man. His back bothered him that one time, yet now he'd rather sleep in another room and watch tv till he falls asleep.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> btw, I, too, sleep on the floor sometimes when my back hurts. It helps a lot. So did my mom, and so does my daughter.


His back doesn't bother him anymore...just started the whole "not sleeping together" thing...which lead to the whole "I feel like he's just my roommate b/c not only do we not sleep together, but we don't have sex" thing


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Yes...I can!  HE is the one that's not interested in sex. I have BEGGED and been turned down to the point that I have felt so ugly, fat, unattractive and unwanted (FOR YEARS!). And not to toot my own horn, but I'm attractive...so why doesn't my own husband want me? I sat down w/him 3 years ago and told him my concerns...that without sex (although it's not ALL there is to a relationship, it is a PART of it) that I feel like his roommate. I said the same thing 2 years ago, a year ago, three weeks ago and now last Friday night. He has disconnected from me and I'm tired of trying to hold on. He doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere and that's not me...so I tried doing things alone or involving my friends. But I've done that for years and it's not helping. I want to be in love again, to make love again to feel the connection with someone instead of just living with a my and my child. He won't give me what I need, even when I've asked, hell pleaded for it! So, while he says he loves me, doesn't want to lose me...he doesn't act that way and certainly hasn't done much to try and keep me.


 I am NOT talking about SEX. I'm talking about your day to day relationship with him.

Think about it.

When he married you, HE had a grand plan of spending plenty of time with this woman he loved. Men don't go around daydreaming about kids and playdates and playgrounds; they think of being with this woman, one on one, a LOT. THAT is what most men expect in a marriage. But for most women, at least half of what they are looking forward to is kids and raising them. 

Guess who loses out?

The husband. 

I'll ask again: How much time did you spend with him doing things that made him happy? How much time do you spend with him NOW? 

If that dropped off before the kid came, then you just aren't taking care of your marriage. If it dropped off after the kid came, you are pushing him into a corner and he knows it.

THAT is why he has likely withdrawn from you. Marriage is no longer meeting his Emotional Needs.

ENs for men are typically: sex, recreation, fun, domestic support, and companionship (look it up at marriagebuilders.com). I'm willing to bet that you have not been meeting his needs.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> I am NOT talking about SEX. I'm talking about your day to day relationship with him.
> 
> Think about it.
> 
> ...


Well, up until two years ago...it was *ALL* about his needs. What HE wanted to do, where HE wanted to go, what HE wanted to watch on tv, what HE wanted to eat etc...I would take whatever he would give me and be happy. 

No more...What about MY needs? 

I wish he _had_ emotional needs....he is emotion-_less_ and I don't know what else to do to get through to him.:scratchhead:

As far as my son...I'm not one of those Moms that wraps herself around her child and abandons her marriage. My brother went through that and I see where he had no where to go from that. If you take my son out of this completely, you would see the problem has NOTHING to do with him.
*Except for the fighting my son and his Dad do on a constant basis*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We all have ENs. You're too bitter and resentful to be able to be even tempered about it.

I'm NOT telling you you are wrong and he is right.

I'm telling you that you are so resentful now that your marriage doesn't stand a chance unless you back off for now. YOU are here getting help. YOU will have to be the bigger person for now and study and learn and try new things to fix your marriage, until he sees the light.

So let me ask you. Until two years ago, you were selfless, a Giver, Gave him everything he wanted, while your needs went unmet, right? And then what happened?

What changed?

If you don't know, how can you expect to get a solution?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Thanks for the response...and yes I know what happened...I woke up @40 and realized that I wasn't getting what I needed. Decided to sit down with him and try to tell him things I thought we could do and even as a family to become closer. I feel like he's given up on life and the adventure of it. It's not all work and no play or just sit and watch tv, work out and eat. I don't want to spend money to do it either...go hiking, go feed the ducks, take a ride to the mountains (they are about 20 mins away)or play a board game. It's like pulling teeth...and before we got to this stagnant place, he would do those things.He's changed too and yes, after years of trying to even talk to him (he gets mad I even want to talk) I have become bitter and resentful. And if u knew me, you'd know I'm one of the most forgiving people...slow to lose my temper and really have to be pushed (obviously) for a long time. This is why I feel like we should separate...so we both can really have time to reflect and decide if this is what we truly want. What we're doing now is just suppressing the problem and making it worse. Each day I feel more lost and each year I feel so hopeless....it eats away at me that I can't even reach him. I wanna shake him and say, "Talk to me"....he won't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go ahead and separate, then. But don't do it to 'make' him realize what he needs to do; your chances are fairly good that, once he's alone and not feeling the wrath of wife any more, he may just enjoy the freedom too much to come home. Lots and lots of men do.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

That's not the reason I want to seperate. I want us to BOTH take the time to really think about whether we want to be together and stay married. I'm at the point that I'm ok with either. I've been carrying this around so long, trying to get him to open up while he walks around like nothing is wrong...being totally passive. I am a good wife to him, all I've asked is to communicate and he won't. I have never been a naggin wife, maybe I should have...maybe he would have listened all the times I tried reaching out. It took a lot for me to do that. Just to be ignored. The longer this goes on...the more resentful and pissed off I feel and instead of a seperation, divorce becomes more of the solution...we'll see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you even tried anything else? Have you read His Needs Her Needs? Have you asked him to fill out the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders.com to see why he has turned off and what you can do? Have you gone to a counselor for suggestions? Have you taken him to your pastor?


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

He would laugh at a questionnaire, I'm seeing a therapist and he refuses to go and our pastor is his best friend. I told him I would talk with him (our pastor) but he hasn't said anything else...everytime I try to even talk, he gets mad and says "this again? It's always about this"...u tell me what's more important and how I can get thru to him...and what else I can do for HIM. Cause my walls are getting higher...I'm so tired of being the only one trying and willing to talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

As another poster seemed to imply, often we don't recognize our own contribution to such situations. But I'm a guy, and I work with so many guys who seem to take their relationships for granted. Maybe I'm skewed in my understanding of their situations, but it seems that I see a pervasive belief that we should have to do nothing to refresh and rebuild a relationship.

If your were to seperate, I don't think the average guy in his situation would enjoy the freedom for long. This might be the wakeup call he needs, if you are careful to let him know there is a way back(as long as he is willing to commit to working on it). And if he decises that he prefers his freedom, what does that tell you about the nagging questions in your mind?


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## tequila rose (Oct 4, 2010)

I understand what you are going throught totally and I need the same help you do, I'm ready to walk out my problem is I think I don't love my husband as much as I did, and as with you our child is 9 , we both have previous children , I have 2 older , 18 and 26 , he has a 15 year old, Im 46 he is 38 , and he does not help me with nothing around here , he does work , but then comes home eats does a few things outside lays down on couch and sleeps. We don't talk , he just ignores all problems , which we have serious money problems. I Can't seem to get past the feeling of wanting to get out of here , I just cant take her away from her daddy. We have much other problems but hate to bore anyone. All suggestions are welcome. thanks


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

All I can tell you guys is that I was once in your shoes. I could have written your words. I KNEW my husband would do nothing. I KNEW it was all his fault. I KNEW I was ready to leave. And the people at the forum I was at were very patient, asking me to look at myself. Over and over and over. For two years. For two years, I KNEW it was all his fault - he was just a jerk. I even asked if he was abusive. Until I finally gave in and took a good hard look at myself. 

And realized that HE was reacting to ME just as much as I was reacting to HIM. He was JUST as miserable as I was - and thus was giving me the treatment I hated so much. 

It wasn't until I stopped blaming everything on him, and let go of that 'comfort' and started questioning my own behavior - and CHANGING that behavior - that things started to get better.

And it had nothing to do with him.

Only ME.


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## tequila rose (Oct 4, 2010)

I don't just blame him , I blame me also I actually blame myself alot , I think he acts like he does because I have some health issues and am unable to hold down a job at this point, and even though kinda personal on this note, not intrested in any intimate relations weather that has to do with menopause I have been coping with or not , but he insist it has nothing to do with any of that so once again like I said I try to get him to tell me why we can't get along and what is the reasons for the way he acts , he just shuts down says nothing and nothing gets resolved . So the same cycle starts all over again . We argue alot but,we don't call each other names or no one is abusive, actually any woman would be blessed to have a man like him he might not do alot around the inside of the house unless you bug him but not mean at all ...but when you can't talk and the situation is ignored ....Well it seems a waste of a marriage.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

turnera said:


> All I can tell you guys is that I was once in your shoes. I could have written your words. I KNEW my husband would do nothing. I KNEW it was all his fault. I KNEW I was ready to leave. And the people at the forum I was at were very patient, asking me to look at myself. Over and over and over. For two years. For two years, I KNEW it was all his fault - he was just a jerk. I even asked if he was abusive. Until I finally gave in and took a good hard look at myself.
> 
> And realized that HE was reacting to ME just as much as I was reacting to HIM. He was JUST as miserable as I was - and thus was giving me the treatment I hated so much.
> 
> ...


I think your situation is all too common, and your pain comes through. For some reason, I tend to be the one others go to at work, however, and also encounter the opposite situation. My work personality profile describes me as a high empathy driven leader. A former manager confided that his wife would hardly speak to him. When I asked him to describe the typical things he did for her, he got this deer in the headlights expression and said 'what do you mean'?

He brought it up to several of our close friends, and all of them said the 'relationship stuff' was the wife's job. Things like spending time to listen to her, or doing things together were all alien to them. Years later, this manager still calls me (he is living elsewhere) and says this group discussion saved his marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

tequila rose said:


> I don't just blame him , I blame me also I actually blame myself alot , I think he acts like he does because I have some health issues and am unable to hold down a job at this point, and even though kinda personal on this note, not intrested in any intimate relations weather that has to do with menopause I have been coping with or not , but he insist it has nothing to do with any of that so once again like I said I try to get him to tell me why we can't get along and what is the reasons for the way he acts , he just shuts down says nothing and nothing gets resolved . So the same cycle starts all over again . We argue alot but,we don't call each other names or no one is abusive, actually any woman would be blessed to have a man like him he might not do alot around the inside of the house unless you bug him but not mean at all ...but when you can't talk and the situation is ignored ....Well it seems a waste of a marriage.


tr, have you started your own thread? You can get a lot of direct help that way. Quick thought: he comes home and does nothing, but...you let him. 

That's not a criticism. It's the way women are, usually. Doers. Fixers. Caretakers. So the more we caretake, the more the man LETS us. 

My therapist told me once to get DH to do ONE thing around the house. Just one. So I could stop feeling utterly overwhelmed and alone. So I asked him to pick one thing he would be responsible for. He REFUSED! Said he didn't know when he'd be home, couldn't accept responsibility for anything. 

So I fumed and fumed, until it hit me: he doesn't HAVE to take responsibility because he KNOWS I will still do everything. I TAUGHT HIM TO BE THIS WAY. (Just like you're teaching your husband.)

So I stopped washing his clothes. No skin off MY nose if his clothes don't get washed - I don't wear them. And I got what I wanted - one less task to be responsible for.

When he finally ran out of clean clothes, he blew up at me. Furious! How dare I not wash his clothes?! I just shrugged and said "Well, you _told_ me you couldn't take care of anything, and I had to get rid of _something_ off my plate, so I chose something that wouldn't affect me. If you can't help with the rest of the stuff, you can figure out how to get your clothes washed."

He started helping. And I started washing his clothes again.

*We teach others how to treat us.*


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Turnera is right. We let our spouses "get away" with what they do. At first, it may be insignificant but eventually it gets to the point where several of you are right now.

Justagirl, maybe it IS too late for your relationship. But I thought the same for mine but it turned around. If you want out, then go. if you want to try, see his pastor or continue to see a therapist to see what the best path is for you.

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm the worst example of letting my H treat me like crap, because I'm so afraid of confrontation. What I described above was 10-15 years ago; now, I'm just a total wimp; too beat down.

We've been doing remodeling at a business for 3 months; some weekend days, where we'll work 10-15 hours, I'll bring us each a spare change of clothes so we can clean up and go out to eat. Yesterday, I didn't (thought we were going home); but he wanted to go to a church event and started taking his work clothes off, and I told him I didn't bring anything to change into. He was furious! This whole I'm-disgusted-with-you attitude, for not doing something that I had been doing for him as a courtesy! I SHOULD have pointed out, Look, I've been bringing you clothes out of the goodness of my heart cos I care about you, so where do you get off treating me like crap just because this once I didn't? Where and when have you ever THANKED me for being so considerate?

I didn't, because I'm so conflict-avoidant. Instead, I just silently fumed and hated him a little bit more. 

But I'm even madder at myself, for not defending myself.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Turnera is right. We let our spouses "get away" with what they do. At first, it may be insignificant but eventually it gets to the point where several of you are right now.
> 
> Justagirl, maybe it IS too late for your relationship. But I thought the same for mine but it turned around. If you want out, then go. if you want to try, see his pastor or continue to see a therapist to see what the best path is for you.
> 
> Good luck.



Thanks Chris! =)


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> I'm the worst example of letting my H treat me like crap, because I'm so afraid of confrontation. What I described above was 10-15 years ago; now, I'm just a total wimp; too beat down.
> 
> We've been doing remodeling at a business for 3 months; some weekend days, where we'll work 10-15 hours, I'll bring us each a spare change of clothes so we can clean up and go out to eat. Yesterday, I didn't (thought we were going home); but he wanted to go to a church event and started taking his work clothes off, and I told him I didn't bring anything to change into. He was furious! This whole I'm-disgusted-with-you attitude, for not doing something that I had been doing for him as a courtesy! I SHOULD have pointed out, Look, I've been bringing you clothes out of the goodness of my heart cos I care about you, so where do you get off treating me like crap just because this once I didn't? Where and when have you ever THANKED me for being so considerate?
> 
> ...


Seriously? You have been giving me such a hard time about what *I* can do and here you are admitting your husband treats you like crap?? I feel like you and I are in a relationship much like the one I'm in...I'm trying to get it out and you're pointing your finger...haha

My husband is treating _me_ like crap...he is being inconsiderate and not even _trying_ to hear me and all I feel like you've been saying it this is all my fault.

I asked him for a seperation Friday before last...do you know he walks around like I never spoke those words??? Like everything is fine...well, I'm not fine.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

takris said:


> As another poster seemed to imply, often we don't recognize our own contribution to such situations. But I'm a guy, and I work with so many guys who seem to take their relationships for granted. Maybe I'm skewed in my understanding of their situations, but it seems that I see a pervasive belief that we should have to do nothing to refresh and rebuild a relationship.
> 
> If your were to seperate, I don't think the average guy in his situation would enjoy the freedom for long. This might be the wakeup call he needs, if you are careful to let him know there is a way back(as long as he is willing to commit to working on it). And if he decises that he prefers his freedom, what does that tell you about the nagging questions in your mind?


Thanks...I concur!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

tequila rose said:


> I understand what you are going throught totally and I need the same help you do, I'm ready to walk out my problem is I think I don't love my husband as much as I did, and as with you our child is 9 , we both have previous children , I have 2 older , 18 and 26 , he has a 15 year old, Im 46 he is 38 , and he does not help me with nothing around here , he does work , but then comes home eats does a few things outside lays down on couch and sleeps. We don't talk , he just ignores all problems , which we have serious money problems. I Can't seem to get past the feeling of wanting to get out of here , I just cant take her away from her daddy. We have much other problems but hate to bore anyone. All suggestions are welcome. thanks



I'm so sorry....
I feel your pain, I have struggled with this for so long. But I am seeing a therapist, who made a valid point. (Now, she knows my particular situation) She said that children are also harmed by parents staying together for the wrong reasons. She said that, like with my husband and I, we don't do anything together, hug, kiss, hold hands, are affectionate etc....if we do something, it's usually my son and me or my son and his dad. She said that allowing him to see that behavior is teaching him that that is what marriage is supposed to be like. She also pointed out that children know more than they let on, the know when you're not happy and are affected by that. So....when you're happy, your children will be. It's taken me so long to even think about getting to a point where I might be ready to leave....but the longer I stay, more and more of me dies.

I wish you well, and I will pray for you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Seriously? You have been giving me such a hard time about what *I* can do and here you are admitting your husband treats you like crap??


Why do you think I'm trying so hard to get you to change something? If I had gotten the advice I'm giving you, 25 years ago, I'd still love my husband, and he would be a completely different person. And I'd be happily married. Of course, that was so long ago, computers were just being invented, let alone Internet forums, lol.

You shouldn't just walk away from a marriage because your partner has quit participating. At least not without exploring your options. Not when kids are involved especially, but not in general, either. 

If you want to be single, say so. But nothing you described is worthy of throwing your marriage away without first exploring options.

JMHO


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## tequila rose (Oct 4, 2010)

I understand that to she had said to me one day you guys always fight and I know one of you are gonna leave I just know it. Everything always gets swept under the carpet here. He thinks just cause im not complaining some days its all okay , but then he realizes after a couple weeks I blow up he says why you act like that now everything was fine, I said no it wasn't it just builds up till I explode. Im just trying to tuff it out till she is old enough to understand people dont stay together forever I guess , Im not out to look for another relationship so why go anywhere , I don't know just put on the happy face I guess, thank you everyone.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Why do you think I'm trying so hard to get you to change something? If I had gotten the advice I'm giving you, 25 years ago, I'd still love my husband, and he would be a completely different person. And I'd be happily married. Of course, that was so long ago, computers were just being invented, let alone Internet forums, lol.
> 
> You shouldn't just walk away from a marriage because your partner has quit participating. At least not without exploring your options. Not when kids are involved especially, but not in general, either.
> 
> ...


Thanks...and yes, I can see why you would say "But nothing you described is worthy of throwing your marriage away without first exploring options." He isn't an alcoholic, he doesn't beat me, he hasn't cheated (that I know of) BUT....I have sat down and tried telling him what's important to me...Now, before we go 25 years and he doesn't try. All he does is continue down the same path....His actions and words aren't the same. And if I wanted to just be single, I would do it....but right now, I don't want to fool with any men!

I just want to get away from him, and really see what my life is like without him....without the stress, anger and anguish. I want this for ME....He's had plenty of time and chances, I won't go another year second guessing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Got it. You want to be single. Had you just admitted that in the first place, I would have left you alone.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Got it. You want to be single. Had you just admitted that in the first place, I would have left you alone.



LOL Whatever you say :smthumbup:


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