# Did you start thinking they had an EA, then learn it was physical too?



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Ok, so my anxiety level is high again as I'm approaching the 1 year mark. I'm looking at the calender everyday and remembering back to "one year ago today." Driving me crazy. 

I can't imagine my pain being more than it is with his EA. And he swears it was never physical (this one anyway. He had a physical one before which took nearly 10 years for him to admit.) I'm so afraid - almost assuming the worst because of the past that I will someday find out that this EA did also have a physical component. 

Has anyone out there gone from EA pain to physical realization? Was the pain even worse? Or were you already so broken that it didn't matter. 

I'm trying to decide how far to push to get to what I feel is the truth, vs NOT pursuing it and living in ignorance for my and his sanity? Something inside me tells me I don't have the full truth yet. But is it better to just let it go and not seek the truth? 

I know the OW is way out of the picture, and he's been wonderful, loving, everything - except for this not-sure-if-he's-telling the truth business. I'm not worried about the future, but I do feel there is more to the past than I know. How important is that?


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

What would you do if you found out that the relationship did go physical for your husband? Would that make it worse for you? It might be that you want to consider the possibility that it DID go physical...and how you would feel about it if it did.

Which aspect of the affair would hurt you more? The emotional part-the thought that your husband shared so much of himself and fell in love with another woman? Or would the thought of him being intimate with another woman be worse? Or is there much of a difference between the two?

I know how I would answer this question but in the end should it matter to you what other people think? It is how you, the BS, feels about the EA vs. PA component. Some people differentiate the two, I think you might be one who does this, other people do not...figuring that any type of affair is a betrayal.

FWIW, I also differentiate between the two-although maybe it doesn't make sense to do this. But it helped me 'process' my feelings about the affair differently.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I knew my wife was having an EA, and later found out there was one physical incident. It was shocking for me because I thought we had worked through and got rid of the EA and were healing our relationship when she told me she had kissed him and almost gone further befor stopping herself. I have a hard time believing she did stop herself, but I had a harder time realizing that it was her that leaned in to kiss him and not the other way around. Her participation was the hardest part for me to accept and forgive, and I only forgave her and let it go after I told her how much it made me want to leave her and just start over with someone else. 

We were already well on our way to repairing our relationship and I felt that we had come to a deeper understanding about each other in this whole process and I didn't want to throw away this wonderful relationship for one flaw. I know I enabled my wifes participation in her affair, I knew she liked the guy but I was sure she wouldn't cheat on me, and I wanted her to know what it felt like to like someone but not be able to do anything about it cause your married. I have to laugh now at how twisted that logic was and I have learned not to tempt fate like that again, we both have. I talked to her about it every day for a month, till I started to feel like a broken record and just wanted to be done with it, for the voices in my head to leave it alone, and after I had let her know what they were saying they did go away. 

And then one night we had our final conversation about how she had wanted him and how I had wanted to leave her and then I let it go. The next night we watched "confessions of a nymphomaniac" together about a serial cheater, and recognized alot of ourselves in the charectors, a few lines they took right out of our conversations. It was difficult to watch together, but when it was over we had a long talk about what sex is to each of us, how we used it in the past and what we wanted for our future, we have been good ever since then, going on 6 months now. There is hope but you have to get the doubting deamons out of you by expressing them to your partner so they can evaporate in the light of truth. Keep talking to him and you will come through it.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I have been there! My husband had an EA and it turned physical. I confronted him and he said "its not like that" meaning they didn't have sex. I said it didn't matter 500-600 text messages a month to another woman while you're married is wrong and its still cheating. He became angry at me for accusing him. This went on for a few months. I HAD to know. One day after our son's birthday party, he said "I'm going to the movies by myself" to see a movie I had already said I wanted to see. I knew SHE was going. They were both so stupid. She lives on our block. So when H leaves, I go outside and watch. She was around the corner at a friend's she literally comes running home, jumps in her car and takes off. Coincidence? I'm not that stupid. Tempted to go to the theatre myself I hold back because my 4 year old son is home and I don't think I want to take him on this errand (and ruin his birthday to boot!). I was desparate to have the truth. The idiot left his email up. He dumped everything from his inbox and trash but NOT his sent box. What an ass, his emails confirmed the physical affair. So I call him, he still says he is alone I tell him I know he's sleeping with her and he gets angry, I said I read your email. He then gets mad at me for invading his privacy so I snap back you're mad at me for invading your privacy how about screwing another girl then having sex with me exposing me to whatever the hell she has, how about THAT privacy? ... he actually said on the phone he wanted out so I said fine you're out don't come home you don't live here anymore. When I am calm, you can come get your stuff. He came home but I wouldn't talk to him, he said he wanted to work it out, I said no and told him if he didn't go the police would make him. He grabbed a few things, left, I change the locks. That was Aug9 of last year...we've come a long way.

Why I wrote all that is so you know, every time I nailed him for what he was doing wrong he got angry. That anger and defensiveness and blaming me was covering up what he was doing. 

But here is the difficulty. What if he is telling the truth? You will never know. In our case, I feel like this was not the first time. He denies that (no anger this time) and i have no evidence, I just can't believe its never happened before. So I push, and push, to find out but how can he prove it didn't happen. So that's where you are. 

Do you have any signs at all? If so, you need to talk to him about what those are and why you feel the way you do. Its so difficult just to let it go but you have to because he could be telling the truth..


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't have proof. He was in a crazy scenario years ago and denied denied denied. We moved and that was over, but then when this EA came out he also came clean on that past bit - 8 years later - and confirmed what I believed then to be true. It was physical. It took him 8 years to tell me - and I asked not many, but across the 8 years. Even asked the night he finally came clean. I guess inside, because I know he is capable of holding back for that long, I'm just waiting for this other shoe to drop in the years ahead. I just don't want to wait that long this time - and feel like an ass again. But, as you say, he could very well be telling the truth. And besides the fact that he won't talk about the past - "I'm so so so over that." (says he) - he's actually been the most wonderful person to be with. The person I met many years ago. Trying to let it go. So not easy. It was 1 year ago right now that this most recent one started. Grr. I wish my insecurity and self-defense would just believe him. Trying everyday. So glad you all are here to vent with me. A little less lonely road.


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