# How to deal with relationship abandonment?



## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

I was in a relationship. I fell in love. To make a long story short, our relationship went from 100,000 I love you's, you're the love of my life, wedding and family planning, to deep words, emotions and affections emotionally and physically to them disappearing. Then, a significant event happened (I didn't throw her mother out of a moving car, nor did I lie or cheat on her) which I would rather not get into because ultimately I believe if you love someone, truly, you want to connect and be with the one you love - which is making this very hard for me - difficult. Been in no contact for 17 days. I've respected her "do not contact me again ever. I do not love you, will not love, cannot believe I ever thought I did. I do not have on ounce of respect or love for you". I've heard someone tell me that if they don't contact you in 40 days, it's over. Not sure if that's some personal opinion or there is some experience with that. I think NC is really abuse and control of someone else and cruel. I never did it to anybody because I'm sensitive to their feelings. How to cope minute by minute without wanting, feeling you need to talk, text, see them - or at least want to?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What did you do?


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

i feel for ya. i have found myself in a similar situation except i was the one who left. and even so i will tell you that it is hard for me too. the best thing that i can say is to stay busy. if you are convinced it's over then i have been forcing myself to think about the negative things so that i wont miss him. so then i can ask myself, "why are you missing someone who's so selfish? breath and reboot". 

i cant speak for your lady, but for me... i could be back tomorrow or i could be back never. but i will say that limbo is definitely worse than "it's over, lets move on". despite what she said.. it sounds like you need a bit more closure. 

good luck, hun.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

NC is not abuse mind you... I would say... just move on. How long were you in a relationship with her? The sudden change sounds as if she was already taken when she met you... and her man found out... hence the no contact.... ect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

so what DID happen? there's got to be a reason why she left


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Umm and what's this 40 day? I never heard of that before...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VickyInmano (Aug 24, 2012)

it sounds like you need a bit more closure


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

You people are very smart. I will share the rest, but, please I'm not looking to hear obvious feeback or receive sledgehammer responses. I'm looking for constructive feedback and help and support. I should not even want this person back, but, I was blindsided. Here goes. We knew each other from HS. Reunited after 30 years. She told me she was separated (literally), heading towards divorce. If you read our texts/FB chats (she lives 250 miles away), you would clearly feel these are two people very much in love with each other. Long story short, signals, flags started coming into awareness. Discussions and concerns brought up about whether or not she was "truly" separated. Finally led to finding out she wasn't separated and been intimate with both of us - except for her, she told me, our relationship was pure love (including the sex) and with her husband an obligation - that she sees him as a father figure (he is 13 years older). After waiting patiently for movement on her part to leave or stay with her husband, she invited me into town saying she truly physically separated from him and when I was in town I found out that wasn't true, so out of reaction I wrote a letter to the husband about the situation. It was not vindictive, but informational and if anything compassionate about the situation - I did the best I could with it. That is what set-up the no contact, she wrote me a hate letter and what's hard for me to reconcile is a million intimate moments that were real for me and I thought and if you read you would feel were genuine from her, to a nuclear bomb blast of hate. So, my head is saying "she lied and cheated on her husband and you, so what are you losing? A liar and a cheater". Then my heart remembers every bonding moment, word, experience and now no contact. It's an internal tennis match and it's hard. I thought she would be mad but at the same time free - also - very important - she "told me" she recently told the husband about us in full which is why they were separated - but - I didn't see a separation when I was there - and there were about 10 other flags that weekend I just had to end the web and game. I, as a husband, wouldn't like that another man did this (I've met him before and he knows me as her old HS friend) but, I would rather know than not know if my wife was doing this to me. Yes, I know, never date a separated (or proclaimed separated woman). They beat me up very hard on the CWI forum, but, now that this has happened, I'm trying to cope with the loss of the contact with someone I loved and loss of every moment, experience and reminder of the memories that even the lying and cheating can't drown enough (yet) for my heart to still not be hurt or feel hurt - and it's on my mind all of the time. I'm trying to distract myself but I'm not on the other side of this yet. I keep wondering - will she call, text today, tomorrow, ever? How can she abandon everything we shared because I can't? She's a woman, doesn't that pull at her heart strings enough to want to fix a total no contact to at least close this better than this? Just sharing honestly what is happening inside me.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Broder... what your feeling... could be what her husband is feeling but 1000 times worse considering he was lied to and betrayed. Your affair with her was no doubt a slap in the face accompanied by a spitting on for him. Think about what times her and her husband must have shared. You are still in a fog apparently. Keep this in mind though... some women can be cold, cruel, vindictive, and very decietful. Sounds like she lured you in her web to fulfill her own selfish desires... and when she had her fill... tossed you out. Oh and not everyone.. let alone.. every woman will mean it when they say "I love you"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

Gaia, how did you know with the first post that there was already someone else? You sound really intuitive. I don't think her husband is thinking about me and my feelings. She told me she was separated and I believed her. The fog....what does that mean exactly? I think what makes this hard for me, is I still see/saw/remember the 16 year old girl in my mind and if anything, I thought/felt/believed that she would respect and honor that history but it's hard to believe or accept with the thousands of daily experiences we shared that not one single one was true or mattered. She told me that the reason she was separated and divorcing him is that in her engagment she realized there was no intimate connection emotionally or physically but thought at 22 that because everything else was there, it was a good "fit". For example, according to her (yeah, I know, she lies) they never talked for more than 30 minutes. He works from 6am-10pm everyday (restaurant business) and there is no emotional intimacy and sex is over in 15 minutes. Well, everything that was lacking there, is my strength - and we do have history together from HS so there I've known her longer than him, but I know that can't compare but it's relevant enough to mention when you also consider what she said about her marriage. You'll be hearing from my responses a position of pain at least tonight, having a bad night. So, I apologize in advance. The way you descirbed women, is this cold, cruel, vindictive, deceitful and selfishness intentional and they are aware of it? because I have trouble thinking women as girls dream of cheating on their husbands and lying to another guy and do what she has done - so, are there real issues or can this all be very cognitive and aware and intentional - and how do you tell the difference?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

The fog is a term used here to describe when a wayward spouse loses their head so to speak and enter happy rainbowland with their affair partner. Not all women ar cold and cruel this way and some may do it unintentionally whereas others do it intentionally. What this woman did was use the excuse that her husband isn't around enough... to cheat on him. She rationalized it in her mind until she was perfectly ok with acting in a selfish manner. She failed to see that her husband was probably suffering as well since he had to work.

Honestly... her husband really has no reason to try to understand things from your POV... after all... she married him... not you. That may be a bit harsh but its true. Your history with her really doesn't amount to much when you look at it as... she married him not you. 

I once had some guy I knew from elementary school.... try to show up my now current spouse when my spouse and I first started dating. Funny thing was... even though this guy had known me that long... and had that history with me... he ultimately knew nothing about me. Whereas my spouse knew what my fav color was, that I hated ticks but loved spiders, my fav flower, my drink of choice, ect. And my spouse had known me for two years as a friend before we started dating... whereas this other guy had known me for about 14 years. 


And the moment you had mentioned no contact... her complete and sudden change of attitude.. along with the hint you gave... it made it pretty obvious your the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

broder62..I'm going to be straight up with you

This woman must be in a very bad place in her life to have strayed outside her marriage. You have to understand that she may have told you she loved you, and you are what she wants, but it does not sound like she meant it. If she did, she would have left him for you the minute she "felt" that way about you if you were what she wanted. 

Gaia is right when she says that just because a woman tells you she loves you, it does not mean she actually does. And I will add...when a married woman tells you she loves you...it usually is not the case. She may of been feeling all the warms and fuzzy's for a while....but the truth is, she wasn't separated, she wasn't going to D her H. She loves him. She was caught up in a whirlwind romance. A deception.

This woman you love so much was in the fog this entire time. She was having a vulnerable time in her life, and decided to escalate an A with you. And once you sent that letter to her H, she snapped out of the fog, FAST. She is now trying to win her H back...crawling on her knees in hopes that he will keep her still. She is a liar. She lied the entire time to you and to her H. 

My H deceived so many women the same way you have now been deceived. He was only trying to get his fix, and said things to them to keep them around as backup. And now his life is ruined because of it. 
It's too late for him. And turns out....he doesn't want anything to do with the women he deceived now. The fog has been lifted.


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

This hurts.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I am sorry that you are hurting. With time, the pain will lessen. I am sorry that the wool was pulled over your eyes.

No contact is not abuse nor is it controlling. She decided to step out of her marriage. You, as much as I hate to say it, are the interloper here. She stood before her friends and family and promised to forsake all others for her husband.

Hope, I'm not triggering anyone. When I was the WW in my family, I would tell my AP that I love him and that he was all that I wanted. I would go to my husband and say the same thing to him. At the time, with my AP, I would get the fuzzy feelings, mistaking that for love instead of what it actually was.

Why did I do it? I had no intention ever to leave my husband. I was selfish, thinking of myself. I wanted my cake and eat it too. 

With the no-contact letter, she decided to work it out with her husband. Let sleeping dogs lie. Get on with you life. Let her get away. Heal. Then, find a woman that is not separated or going through a divorce.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm sorry your in such pain broder but it will be better for you in the long run to realize this wasn't real and hopefully avoid making the same mistake in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

broder62 said:


> This hurts.


Gosh I'm sorry your hurting...., I saw your thread on CWI... probably wasn't the best place to post (not that you would have known that at the time). There any many folk there who are so very hurt by infidelity that your post would have angered and upset them. I hope you can see that.

You have been played by this women just like many others are 'played' by cheaters everyday.

She has been cruel to you and she is cruel to her husband. But her husband is the man she is legally and morally attached to...not you. Do you not think her husband has been treated worst of all??

None of those special moments were 'real' they were all part of the lie.

Find a way to move on ... to someone who will love and cherish YOU and no-one else. Someone who won't play games and break your heart. She is out there...but you have to let this cheater go first.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

broder62 said:


> I was in a relationship. I fell in love. To make a long story short, our relationship went from 100,000 I love you's, you're the love of my life, wedding and family planning, to deep words, emotions and affections emotionally and physically to them disappearing. Then, a significant event happened (I didn't throw her mother out of a moving car, nor did I lie or cheat on her) which I would rather not get into because ultimately I believe if you love someone, truly, you want to connect and be with the one you love - which is making this very hard for me - difficult. Been in no contact for 17 days. I've respected her "do not contact me again ever. I do not love you, will not love, cannot believe I ever thought I did. I do not have on ounce of respect or love for you". I've heard someone tell me that if they don't contact you in 40 days, it's over. Not sure if that's some personal opinion or there is some experience with that. I think NC is really abuse and control of someone else and cruel. I never did it to anybody because I'm sensitive to their feelings. How to cope minute by minute without wanting, feeling you need to talk, text, see them - or at least want to?


I'm not saying this to be "snarky" or anything but, did you not realize that some people would already know your story? I am a WS and I don't just stick to the CWI sub-forum.


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

The story was only told to segway into the coping of no contact.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

How are you coping today broder?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

I don't know if it's normal grieving and coping, but I go from "I wish she would call, text, email to talk" to "how could all of the moments we shared been so disregarded and thrown away (or not true)" to wanting to reveal the details of the relationship further (the cards, gifts, semi-nude photos she sent) because I honestly believe that she is lying about our relationship - her hate letter to me said "this letter is so twisted, not at all how I felt or how I saw it". My friends say, she wrote that so the husband would see it (damage control) - so part of me wants to reveal all to clear my name. The only reason I wouldn't is my heart is still in the fog "feeling" she'll transform back into the person she played me to be and that's really the true her and it will have a happy ending.....so sites like this (and people like you) help me to navigate through these thoughts and feelings better than if I have nobody to talk with (your friends only want to hear it so much). So, I guess the short answer is - about the same.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

As someone who hurts, all you can really do is take things a day at a time. Go out and participate in a hobby that you really haven't had time to do lately or do something that you really want to do. Just occupy yourself. Remember, it takes time to heal. So don't think you have to be "over it" right away.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lol hang in there. You will come out of it and be able to move on. Try finding other things to occupy your time with rather then dwelling on "the times you shared" with this woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

Thanks. Trying. My friend said instead of thinking one day at a time, try one minute at a time, then, one hour at a time, then....


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If it makes you feel any better, exposing to her husband was the right thing to do. She was a cake eater.


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

I've received a lot of mixed opinions about telling her husband. The funny thing is that in the CWI forum, they encourage the BS to expose to get the cheating spouse out of the fog with the AP. Well, I didn't know I was the AP because she told me she was separated. I gave her time to deal with the issue but she stayed in the same place. Then, when I saw her last in her hometown, the lies were unfolding (new ones) and I just wanted to expose "the truth". Which is what the husband is supposed to be doing. So, I, as the AP blew it up, she sent me a NC letter (of sorts) and I'm the guy left (which I get) but where this is all twisted was that we were in relationship 16 hours a day for 6 months while I thought I was in an exclusive monogamous relationship with her. It was was emotionally very invested on both sides and deep and the physical relationship began 3 months in and it would compete with any on-screen lovemaking affair it was that sensual, passionate. According to her, the sex was no longer than 15 minutes ever in her life. We would typically go 4 hours and as long as 7 hours. I'm mentioning this because I thought sex was a bonding thing for women and I feel like I'm the woman in this relationship and she's the man. When the husband got the letter, he immediately called the police for stalking (it was unfounded, so it's just an information report). I ordered the report because I understand she made a statement and so did he. I'm wondering what they said because I think it will reveal something. I just think it's odd that first thing a husband does when he finds out his wife is having an affair is not confront the wife, but call the police on the other guy for stalking - so something is not adding up right.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok.... weird.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I don't think it is so strange because it could be that she feed him lies and he believes it. She could had said that you were stalking her. Her husband believes it, and they go together to make the stalking report with him supporting her because he couldn't imagine his wife doing that to him. Stranger things have happened.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She's re-writing history to save her skin. I'm sorry, but you got played. Seriously it's time to put her behind you and move on. You sound like a stand up guy who got played. You can do better than her. Trust me.


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

I'm really struggling with revealing to the husband our entire FB chat and text history, as well as her cards, photos (semi-nude), gifts so it is crystal clear what happened. The cards especially, in her own handwriting, copies of her journal before we reunited that she shared with me about her anticipated feelings for me (she made a copy for me) - but the texts/chats not only have her proclaiming true love, our future marriage, honeymoon, kids and deep expressions and affections, but also the negative things she said about him and her marriage. When you print out the chats it's like you see it on screen - her picture, her comment, my picture, my comment. That's the revenge/"clear my name" side of me so she can't lie/hide/twist/skirt - she'll have to take responsibility for her words. I think I would feel liberated and then another way, feel awful. I think it's going to make a difference what's in the report. If she denied a relationship and portrayed me as a stalker, I don't think I can protect a liar, cheater, abandoner, abuser where she'll lie to me, husband, police and me walk away injured emotionally like this while her life remains functionally intact (lie accomplished). I feel I'm enabling. According to some of her friends from HS, she's had this sense of entitlement since HS because she was one of the "beautiful girls" and got what she wanted. Apparently (and she still does). I saw on cheaterville (no, she's not on there - but she was searched so......) there is some Karma website that said "get your Karma on" and it made me laugh because everyone tells me, "let go, let God" or "Karma" and I say, "maybe I'm the Karma, that's my calling". And we laugh. It's tough - as I said - I go from "I miss her to how could she to these types of revenge (I don't know if exposing truth is revenge - it's truth), but...


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

broder62 said:


> I've received a lot of mixed opinions about telling her husband. The funny thing is that in the CWI forum, they encourage the BS to expose to get the cheating spouse out of the fog with the AP. Well, I didn't know I was the AP because she told me she was separated. I gave her time to deal with the issue but she stayed in the same place. Then, when I saw her last in her hometown, the lies were unfolding (new ones) and I just wanted to expose "the truth". Which is what the husband is supposed to be doing. So, I, as the AP blew it up, she sent me a NC letter (of sorts) and I'm the guy left (which I get) but where this is all twisted was that we were in relationship 16 hours a day for 6 months while I thought I was in an exclusive monogamous relationship with her. It was was emotionally very invested on both sides and deep and the physical relationship began 3 months in and it would compete with any on-screen lovemaking affair it was that sensual, passionate. According to her, the sex was no longer than 15 minutes ever in her life. We would typically go 4 hours and as long as 7 hours. I'm mentioning this because I thought sex was a bonding thing for women and I feel like I'm the woman in this relationship and she's the man. When the husband got the letter, he immediately called the police for stalking (it was unfounded, so it's just an information report). I ordered the report because I understand she made a statement and so did he. I'm wondering what they said because I think it will reveal something. I just think it's odd that first thing a husband does when he finds out his wife is having an affair is not confront the wife, but call the police on the other guy for stalking - so something is not adding up right.


She sounds like the type of woman who will convince her H that you are just crazy and obsessed over her. She is one of those women that will lie and hide this until she dies. I've had bad experiences with people like this before. They will lie forever, just to save themselves from losing their partner (in this case, her husband). 

I'm sorry that she lied to you so much, and led you on in such an extreme way. You thought it was real...and it must hurt very much. 

But always remind yourself every morning...knowing what she has done not only to you, but to her H....even if she ended up leaving her H and ran into your arms...would you want to be with a woman like that the rest of your life? Always wondering if she will do the same to you? That she just up and jumped ship when you exposed her to her H? 

So comfort yourself with the fact that she is a major liar, and a little psychotic. Not someone worthy of trust or your love.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

What a betrayal! I cannot even imagine the pathological liar it would take to lie to both the husband and the lover. That takes some organization & forethought.

I do see the benefit of NC in a break-up (or separation/divorce) situation, as it helps the remaining spouse overcome the devastation of being left. NC could be considered abusive in a "working" relationship, as it is essentially the "silent treatment", which is a power-play by a controlling partner.

I am curious as to why the CWI peeps would jump all over you for dating a separated woman--I have been reading for a few weeks, and have seen more than one suggestion to newly separated people to be seen with other men/women, one even suggesting the newly separated man call one of his stbxw's "hot" friends. I find it interesting, as I cannot think of any of my own friends IRL who actually waited until the final decree to date...it seems to be the "norm" these days.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Rosemary... if you read... this woman he was with... lied about being seperated. She wasn't... nor was she getting a divorce. She just lead the OP on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

The more and more I reflect on it, the more lies come up - and then I realize that there are so many lies, it would be impossible to know, even from her, what was true then, what was true now. Lying is bad. That's what my grandmother taught me at 5. And that's why I don't do it and I think cheaters target "good character" people because they take advantage of their hearts and predictability. So, in a sense, I think writing a letter to the husband and no letting her know should be a personal Independence Day for me. As Albert Einstein said, "you can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it" - so a change of mind/attitude is perhaps what I need. 

I'm wondering, am I codependent or just hurt. I haven't tried to make contact with her at all, which surprises me and codependents are fixers. So, maybe I'm not, just hurting. But I shouldn't, right? I mean, she lied, cheated, betrayed and manipulated me (and her husband and kids) so even if I "got her", what would I get? A liar, cheater, betrayer, manipulator to her husband and kids. I'd be wondering if she was at the grocery story making contact with anybody, a parking lot, anywhere by herself. Who wants to micromanage your mind and the other person. If I got Alzheimers, is she going to be doing "The Notebook" for me or getting laid? I think it's very sad, but why? She doesn't really look sad, looks like she's having a great time and life. Which, maybe I should wonder who is really crazy, me or her. Forget that, she's smart but crazy - and destructive to others.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

Right--she was lying about being separated. OP didn't know that, and is no worse than anyone else for dating a person in separation.

OP, expose the entire affair to the husband--send him _everything_.

Did you get a copy of the police report yet?


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

I did not get a copy of the police report yet. It's her town 250 miles away. I did send for it and should be here within the next couple of days. It was unfounded and just an information report. I have a gut feeling that she said I was pursuing a physical relationship with her and she declined but we were friends and I wrote the letter out of spite - and that the husband believes this story. Just a gut feeling, but my gut was wrong - like, I really thought and believed she was separated and I was the love of her life and we were going to have a child, honeymoon in Fiji - the wedding band from Tiffany's that cost 10K was probably the truth though. Hook, line and sinker. The fog is beginning to lift that I can make fun of myself at moments during the day, but, the first couple of hours in the morning and at night, I'm in a lot of emotional confusion and pain especially after that nuclear blast of a letter saying "I don't love you, will never love you, can't believe I ever thought I did. I don't have one ounce of respect or love for you and I will never forgive you" and less than 12 hours before that letter when she was on her fourth tiring orgasm gazing into each other's eyes with our eye lashes hitting each other and countless I love you and other love sentiments. I just saw her husband "friend" her best friend on FB (I've blocked her and him but not the friend, which I've since blocked). I'm sure she is thinking "lie and mission accomplished" and waiting to predator another affair when her husband is safe having the feeling of rescuing her from herself and improving himself because she obviously cheated because he was emotionally unavailable - I'm pretty sure she had many affairs. She said she has been miserable in her marriage since the engagment (it's in the Facebook Chat) that she never should have married her husband, doesn't want to kiss him and his body all over hers. She is in hospitality sales - it's like an alcoholic working for Budweiser - candyland for her. She carries an air of invicibility and I'm sure she is thinking (or I think somewhere in her she is thinking) "I'm 46 and I've still got and getting better at it". She's very smart, very aware, but plays a completely different person impeccably. Pretty much an experience cheater, lots of experience. There are so many details I could share it would take too much time, but this is why I come up with these theories or conclusions. Of course, I could always be wrong. My mind and heart are in pain and in coping mechanism and trying to survive - so I could be subconsciously playing coping games with myself.

The letter to the husband was "appropriate, well mannered, mature" as much as one could be. The emotions I share here were not in the letter, it was a non-emotional letter - I write (not in this forum) very well. Everyone who has read the letter says "if you're going to tell a husband his wife is cheating on him with you, this is about as polite as it gets". But, the thing is making me feel that she has this "I'm pursuing her story" is the first response by the husband is not to call me - but - to call the police for stalking, which makes me believe she was prepping him for months about a possible "getting caught" saying that I'm pursuing an affair with her. I'm really curious what her statement is, but more so HIS - because HIS will reveal what he believes or told by her in my opinion.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Very strange, part of me wonders if she is in danger, but that is fleeting, would you know of any reason?

And my other thought were sir you were well and truly played.

Reality suddenly turn into fantasy for you, there will be overwhelming emotions, but no proper closure, you have been lied to and deceived, very cruel behaviour on her part.

You can't fix anything and remember if she really cared about you would she of done this to you, people that love us do not want to hurt us.

Very easy for me to say but forget her, send everything you have to the husband if it will give you some sort of closure.  

And as for dating married separated women, some women actually tell the truth, my estranged is 5,000 miles away and sometimes it is difficult getting a divorce, my estranged is going to make it as difficult as possible will i wait to date till that happens, god no, i think he has had enough control over my life i deserve some enjoyment.


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

Danger? Well, of herself. Of her husband finding out that she was cheating on him with me. It certainly wasn't fear from me as we were together around 7 hours prior to him receiving the letter. I think she is really hurt that I blind-sided her, but, at the same time I was blind-sided since day one with the lie about her marital situation and the countless lies to support that. This cannot be her first time playing somebody - I'm not an insecure, inexperienced, can't get a date guy. Cupids arrow hit dead center and I thought - and I think if you read what she wrote to me - she loved me more than I loved her. That's why this is all confusing. I didn't expect when I told the husband (felt I had no choice once she said they were separated, invited me to her town and he spent the night two of the three nights) I just couldn't take it and how I managed to craft a letter that was 100 percent logic and pragmatism and no emotion, I don't know. I really thought she would be upset but ultimately feel unburdened and have to deal with the big elephant in the room, but what shocked me was the nuclear bomb to us and so opposite of every word and behavior we shared in relationship is where the pain is, then the abandonment (it will be 3 weeks) and now I'm left looking at how deep did the lying go and I think the police report will show. I was never married, but, if I got a letter like that, I'm not calling the police, I'm talking to my wife, but......I really hope there is nothing in there that indicates something false about me or us - like "he pursued a relationship with me and I refused". That means the husband is receiving that story and while her and her friends and family think that I'm a stalker (unfounded - thank you law enforcement for getting it right), then, I feel like clearing my name and having her deal with "her" words to me. Again, this is when I'm at my worst and feeling angry....the reality, I forced her to choose, and she chose - and it really is the right decision - I think what hurts is the FU and abandonment in response to what was really a supportive letter to her - but an exposing one to reality of what's going on. I think, as much as this hurts, I was her side dish and that's all she wanted but played me like it was a love story for her because she saw that I was in love and it got out of hand and she lost control of it. I know people who are in affairs, some are my friends, and I try to talk them out of it - but, they said, her husband is her home base, and you were her romance. She's not getting it at home, she wants that and she doesn't want to mix the two. But, they said, when they are in "their" affairs, they are upfront and give the disclaimer "this is an affair, I'm not leaving my marriage" - but as my girl said to me "I knew if I told you I wasn't separated, you wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with me". So, I feel this was ALL premeditated at times and of course, the person that knows the truth isn't talking to me and even if she did - what has she shown me that is true - nothing - so at the end of the day, there's nothing. My friends say, "good, now she is his problem". But, I can't erase my hearts hard drive and memory yet. That's the work, the pain, is the bonding moments I had. They were 200% invested. So....my days are getting better, but sometimes I just want to expose it all and inject the truth into it because I know she's not telling her husband the truth (and why should she, she wants to keep things intact), so I understand, but - at my expense, my name. I just feel victimized by allowing her to lie about "me" and "our" relationship that we built and she nurtured and pursued initially. I'm an easy sap to "forgive" but, I need to put a pink sticker on this nuclear bomb because it's just very ugly right now and a closure conversation is just respect, but, she said she has no respect or love for me so......why am I protecting her - to be a "bigger" person? I would only hit print, then send - I'm in essence not "doing" anything but clearing my name based in her lies. Or am I justifying my anger that I know would hurt her husband? But, which is the bigger issue - the truth, or his feelings - or do I leave it to his brain to figure it out or for her to self-destruct (or recommit but based on what she said and what I saw and what she does, I don't see her morphing into June Cleaver)......sorry, it's Sunday, and one of my bad moments typing this post. Hurting right now....I'll be fine later. This will pass.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

This woman used you. She used you and cheated and lied to her husband and secondarily to you.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Hang in there, all this will seem like a bad dream years from now


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

huh? so you told her husband what was happening and now she hates you?

i do not see why she needs to talk to you or why you care. Its unhealthy man. If an individual gets cheated on i could understand the never talk to me again saying.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Rosemary... if you read... this woman he was with... lied about being seperated. She wasn't... nor was she getting a divorce. She just lead the OP on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


oh i see

idk i do not see why after he finds this out he loves her. I would think finding out such a thing about a person would make you hate them and not love them. She lied to him that is bad


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Broder, man, the bottom line is that she cheated on her husband. If she were with you, she would probably cheat on you as well. A cheater, at the time of cheating, has low morals.

Grieve over a loss of an illusion (because that is all that is was). Have a beer (or whatever it is that you like to drink). Let her go. I know it is hard, but this woman is not worth it. She couldn't even be herself, amidst the lying that had to be done to cheat.


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

I appreciate all of the support. Have to get my heart detached from the memories I believed were real.


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

POLICE REPORT IS IN: As I suspected....the husband's statement said that I wrote I threatened his wife to have a relationship with me and the letter was a letter expressing my interest having a relationship with her. Her statement said the same thing. The police's version said that I started sending her unwanted texts and phone calls after I visited the home in March (our relationship began in January). So many emotions on my part. I called the police and told them the statments were false and I can provide documentation that I have been in a relationship with her (mutually) since January and he said he would supplement the report and talk to her about the seriousness about providing false information on the police report. I did not get the impression or communication that he would talk to the husband. Should the husband receive the proof? I'm sure his statement reflected the story from her as she is in damage control. My "friends" give me advice from "reveal all" to the husband and police, to "don't send anything, just walk away". My heart changes as part of the trauma of all this to me - the love story I thought was real to the hate letter she sent me and the relationship abandonment. Apparently I was used for sex and her feelings were all a lie and I was a victim of "cake-eating". Me personally, I would want to know the truth if my wife were lying and betraying me no matter who was the source. I hate lying that much. I'd rather know the truth and suffer than a lie and have artificial false happiness, but....that's me and not necessarily him - he could be a head in the sand person. I don't buy the "I'm hurting their kids". First, I never told the kids. She told me over and over and over she was separated, coming to me, etc; (not to beat this into the ground). So, the focus I would like is - do I clear the truth with the police (I think yes), do I leave the family alone and just let the police talk to the wife letting her know that "they" know the truth or ??? I'm too confused/emotional about it to act and do anything so I'm counting on your unattached advice. Thanks.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

Since there is a police report with your name on it, I would definitely reveal all to the police _and_ the husband. Do you know how to obtain his work address? Mail his copies there, so she cannot intercept them.


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