# women ... do you like/love sex or dislike/hate sex?



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Based on some posts on another thread here on TAM.....

I believe that most women love sex... and have been asked to prove it. What better way to find out then to ask women themselves. So of course I've devised this scientifically accurate poll to find out. Inquiring minds want to know.

As a woman do you love sex?

Or do you endure it and could you go the rest of my life without sex.

ETA: The poll if for sex with the 'right person'. Not sex with someone you would not want to have sex with.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't hate it, I was the type who is ok with it maybe 2-5 times a month. I am more the "get it done and over with",,, I'm not usually up for all the foreplay.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I love it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Another who loves it, here. Even in my "low" periods with my husband, I loved sex. I only felt like I had to "endure" it when I was emotionally disconnected from my husband. Even then, I wanted sex. I even told my husband recently that once a week is NOT enough for me. If I had my choice, I would choose 2-3 times a DAY... but willing to compromise at 2-4 times a week. Now, if I could get HIS drive in gear! 

Oh, Ele, I saw that post. I agree with you. Both of my sisters and I have talked about sex and LOVE it... and then there are the MANY female friends I have who love sex. So, I agree with you. Based on MY experience (which is significantly less than yours as I am only 36)... MOST women DO love sex! And that's single AND married.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Any correlation between regular orgasm vs. minimal/none?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

keko said:


> Any correlation between regular orgasm vs. minimal/none?


Not sure what mean?

Regular orgams = not like sex?

Regular orgams = like sex?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Another who loves it, here. Even in my "low" periods with my husband, I loved sex. I only felt like I had to "endure" it when I was emotionally disconnected from my husband. Even then, I wanted sex. I even told my husband recently that once a week is NOT enough for me. If I had my choice, I would choose 2-3 times a DAY... but willing to compromise at 2-4 times a week. Now, if I could get HIS drive in gear!
> 
> Oh, Ele, I saw that post. I agree with you. Both of my sisters and I have talked about sex and LOVE it... and then there are the MANY female friends I have who love sex. So, I agree with you. Based on MY experience (which is significantly less than yours as I am only 36)... MOST women DO love sex! And that's single AND married.


I agree with you that in a relationship where I feel emotionally disconnected it can feel like 'enduring' sex. But that does not mean that I don't love sex or could live without it. It means that the relationship is bad. It's time to fix the relationship or move on.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

I love sex, but I do not like to feel pressured into sex. 

The more pressured I feel, the more it tends to make me react as if I am being raped/molested. I do not know if my husband understands this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

keko said:


> Any correlation between regular orgasm vs. minimal/none?


The better the sex the more I want. Does that answer your question?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

keko said:


> Yes.


For most I'd think that regular orgams = like sex.

works for me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anony2 said:


> I love sex, but I do not like to feel pressured into sex.
> 
> The more pressured I feel, the more it tends to make me react as if I am being raped/molested. I do not know if my husband understands this.


I guess you need to figure out how to get this across to your husband.

How often do you want sex? How often does he want sex?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I guess my username sums up my feelings!

I absolutely LOVE SEX....in my free time ..often it is what consumes my very thoughts...there is always a sweet "anticipation" there . I have never once in my life looked upon sex as a chore....it has always been a source of pure Joy, the sweetest Pleasure God has bestowed on us & fullfillment to a very deep place in my heart. 

I did take it for granted for too many yrs in our marriage - not exactly going Bonkers for it every day, I allowed other things to flood my mind -but I never once used a headache excuse, and once he got me started, I was on fire. I was never deprived -it was there for the taking at my beck & call. 

It brightens my world, puts the biggest  on my face, it gives me hope.... Just the thought of it drying up -being taken from our lives....would wither my soul, Life would loose it's luster somehow. 

Nothing fullfills me more than making love to the man I adore most in this world & feeling his desire for me in return. 

It is the highest of the highs, an act we want to revive and revisit every day, something that never grows old... we cherish every moment in each others arms. 

To my husband, it is only "making Love" .... likely why I feel this strongly. The emotion he shows is something I live for.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I guess you need to figure out how to get this across to your husband.
> 
> How often do you want sex? How often does he want sex?


I would like it nightly if he didn't make it as long as a marathon or think it is a performance. 

I dont know how often he would like it. He says he is horny all the time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anony2 said:


> I would like it nightly if he didn't make it as long as a marathon or think it is a performance.
> 
> I dont know how often he would like it. He says he is horny all the time.


How long are the marathons? Why do you think he seems it a a performance?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lmao... sorry anony... the marathon part strikes me as funny...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

I like it a lot with the right person AND when the feeling/timing is right. With the wrong person or when there is a lot of tension in the relationship, my feelings range from not liking it to not being able to stomach it.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

..


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How long are the marathons? Why do you think he seems it a a performance?


I like to let things flow naturally, it isn't the length of time for me really, but he keeps feeling like he has to last a certain length of time or he isn't "good enough". I think he got the idea that it is a performance from something that he read. 

Pfft, for me, if we both enjoy it, I wouldnt care if he lasted 3 minutes or 4 hours.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anony2 said:


> I like to let things flow naturally, it isn't the length of time for me really, but he keeps feeling like he has to last a certain length of time or he isn't "good enough". I think he got the idea that it is a performance from something that he read.
> 
> Pfft, for me, if we both enjoy it, I wouldnt care if he lasted 3 minutes or 4 hours.


Have you tried to tell him some of this ..that some times quick it good? That variety is good?

One thing that has been suggested is that if you want to change your spouses sexual behavior ... praise the behavior you want to increase.

Like have you ever told him that you'd love to just have a quicky? (at the moment that you want one?)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

in my tree said:


> I like it a lot with the right person AND when the feeling/timing is right. With the wrong person or when there is a lot of tension in the relationship, my feelings range from not liking it to not being able to stomach it.


Ok, my poll implies that it's sex with the right person.

I doubt that any person enjoys sex with 'the wrong person'. I don't think that men do either.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

At the moment I am chasing my hubby around the house constantly. It may be due to peri-menopause (I think I am turning into a bloke, I have started cursing as well). Hubby has been away now for 6 days, I know it will be good when he is back tomorrow, but I feel no need to take care of myself while he is away. Therefore I conclude that it is my hubby making me horny.
Part of that also is a big change in the attitudes of both of us towards each other, we are really making an effort to communicate well, understand each other & not push each other's buttons. It is making a difference to every part of our marriage.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Have you tried to tell him some of this ..that some times quick it good? That variety is good?
> 
> One thing that has been suggested is that if you want to change your spouses sexual behavior ... praise the behavior you want to increase.
> 
> Like have you ever told him that you'd love to just have a quicky? (at the moment that you want one?)


What I am talking about isn't just 'having quickies' per say, I am saying I would like a relax and go where sex takes you. I would also like to practice Tantra. 

Yes, I have talked to him about this several times.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anony2 said:


> What I am talking about isn't just 'having quickies' per say, I am saying I would like a relax and go where sex takes you. I would also like to practice Tantra.
> 
> Yes, I have talked to him about this several times.


I've wanted to experiment with Tantra as well.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yep... I love it. 

I'd happily have some sort of sex play every day.

I'm sure the fact we have this connection has helped us through some tough times.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are we seeing a trend here?


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## Zab (Jul 25, 2012)

I dont really like it but I wouldn't say I'd rather not have it at all. Because when I have sex with my husband there's this emotional connection happening, so I can say I'd like to have it just once in a week or in two weeks. Not too often- that would be nice.


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

I love sex and would have it every day if H allows. I asked two close friends last night and one said more than once a week is generous, and the other siad her average was 2-3 times a month. Sad thing was they saw nothing in that and I felt guilty as I was very similar to them in their thinking but since H's EA and our R, I just can't get enough of him. (sigh). How the tables turn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

Love sex with my husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mc1234 said:


> I love sex and would have it every day if H allows. I asked two close friends last night and one said more than once a week is generous, and the other siad her average was 2-3 times a month. Sad thing was they saw nothing in that and I felt guilty as I was very similar to them in their thinking but since H's EA and our R, I just can't get enough of him. (sigh). How the tables turn.


I think that for a lot of people life's responsibilities start to take precedence and sex get put on the back burner. It’s sad because relationships suffer for it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Moving this back to the top 'cause we need all of the women to vote!!!!


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I love sex. I've always enjoyed sex, but I think a big part of the reason for that is my husband. In our 22 year marriage we've gone through periods of sex a couple times a week while our kids were young and we were exhausted, to every day. No where along the way did he ever make me feel quilty or inadequate. He's always made me feel wanted, loved and desired, whether I said yes or no, initiated or just went along, whether I was at my thinest or not. He has gone along with my wildest fantasies, so I feel safe being open with him. I sometimes wonder if I'd feel the same way about sex if I hadn't met my husband.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I take medication that gives me some sexual dysfunction, so I don't get a lot out of sex physically, but I do like it for emotional reasons. I feel closer to hubby emotionally when we've had sex and it makes me happy knowing he enjoys it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the vote out!!!!!


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I LOVE sex and am very sexual. I HATE sex with someone who doesn't know what the hell they are doing or with a one pump chump. I'd rather masturbate than be a blow up doll for a sloppy pumper. uck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

well endless... that is putting it out there... LOL


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I love sex. In the middle of it, I feel closer to my husband. It's an intense, pleasurable bonding experience with my husband. After a stressful day, I can't think of anything better to brighten up my day. I am happy to have some form of sexual contact at some point every day.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Some people love to hate it. We call them martyrs, enablers and such.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I love being in bed with my husband, while we enjoy the best aspect of a loving marriage.


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## Browneyedgurl020610 (Apr 18, 2012)

Love sex with my hubby. I think the only time I don't care for it is when I'm on my period.


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## BRIGETTEDARIS (Aug 15, 2012)

I LOVE it!! I couldnt last more than a couple days with out it. I drive my husband crazy, Needless to say married with 8 kids at 27 y/o and yes all from my husband. There is something about the act that makes me feel so feminine and just wanted by him!! Not to mention the relaxation it causes thru-out my entire body!! Just feels to good to every say no!! :smthumbup:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Perhaps it's time to bring this thread back up to get the votes from the new women on the forums.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So, 1 in 10 men will be in a sexless marriage, guaranteed heh


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

RD, no one has posted that they will not have sex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

15%-20% of American couples have a sexless marriage. (Couples have sex 10 times per year or less.)

“Most professionals believe that low desire is experienced by men and women equally. So what is his side of the story?”

So men (YES MEN) are the ones withhold sex about half the time.

Read more: FOXSexpert: Five Reasons Men Stop Having Sex | Fox News


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Dislike
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*LittleDeer* said:


> RD, no one has posted that they will not have sex.


Well 7% don't enjoy it, that's pretty much the same thing as "will not have sex" for me. I personally can't be with someone who doesn't enjoy sex, a man wants to feel he's pleasurable for a woman too ya know


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Well 7% don't enjoy it, that's pretty much the same thing as "will not have sex" for me. I personally can't be with someone who doesn't enjoy sex, a man wants to feel he's pleasurable for a woman too ya know


Did you see that post of the study that shows that men choose to withhold sex and thus create a sexless marriage as often as women do? So it's not a woman thing. It's both genders who do this... equally.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

animal 2011 said:


> Dislike


Could you tell us why?


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

It just doesn't feel like much of anything when he is inside me. No matter what guy I've been with its the same thing, don't feel much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

animal 2011 said:


> It just doesn't feel like much of anything when he is inside me. No matter what guy I've been with its the same thing, don't feel much.



What about other stuff? Like foreplay, him giving you oral, etc?


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I don't really know what foreplay is. He does do oral and I only like that a little bit. It's the only way I can finish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

animal 2011 said:


> I don't really know what foreplay is. He does do oral and I only like that a little bit. It's the only way I can finish.


How old are you and he? How long have you been married (or together)?

Forplay is things like kissing, and kissing each other head to foot, touching each other.. just doing things that get each other sexually aroused before intercourse. Women generally need foreplay to really get into sex. Quickies are good sometimes. But longer sex with lots of foreplay is much much better.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I love it if it is done right.

That means don't ignore me all the time and then 5 minutes before he wants to do it, rub his wee wee on me and grope me a couple times and then ready to stick it in.

Oh of course they all start out wonderful attentive lovers but as time goes on, they just want to get theirs.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

We are in our late 30's. Together 8 years. All that foreplay stuff you talked about would just annoy me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imhopeless (Dec 18, 2012)

I LOVE sex now that I'm married to my child's father. I loved it before too but always felt guilty after it was over. After these years of emotional pain after sex it now feels so much more comforting and soothing.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

animal 2011 said:


> We are in our late 30's. Together 8 years. All that foreplay stuff you talked about would just annoy me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So then why did you choose to bind yourself and someone else into a sexual relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I agree with you that in a relationship where I feel emotionally disconnected it can feel like 'enduring' sex. But that does not mean that I don't love sex or could live without it. It means that the relationship is bad. It's time to fix the relationship or move on.


That's why I put other.I love sex when we are in a good place outside of bed too.But I have also "endured it" and even hated it and wanted nothing to do with sex when the relationship is completely screwed .But I MISS it at the same time and can still have the physical desire and the longing to LONG for him..Its a conflict ..I love sex ..I feel the physical desire..I miss it.(I miss him)..but I cant stand the thought of having sex with my husband if we are in a messed up place..in any heavy conflict it feels emotionally shallow or even degrading.But I will DREAM about being in that good place and having sex with him and even have the female version of "nocturnal " orgasm.In other words I can "love sex" but hate him so I have endured ...or go without.

Just having the sex part doesn't make me feel "loved" magically if I feel unloved/disrespected in other areas.Just knowing he feels loved if we have sex doesn't make ME feel any more loved .And I don't even get how he could feel like its me "loving him" either if I have sex with him while I feel like a hate his guts.

Just sayin...


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I don't get a lot out of sex physically, but I do like it for emotional reasons. I feel closer to hubby emotionally when we've had sex and it makes me happy knowing he enjoys it.


This. I don't get as much out of sex as other posters do - I'm one of those women with "faint" orgasms, so - while I enjoy them, they aren't the angel's weeping, earth shaking experience that some people have, its far more subtle. So, I tend to enjoy it more for the emotional aspects than the physical ones, including how happy it makes my husband, and generally its during sex that I get a big portion of my "Words of Affirmation" fulfilled. 

So - while I'm not physically driven to have it every day - we still average three/four times a week. And yes, because of my bodies kind of lower-running natural reactions I have to consciously make an effort to be more enthusiastic, but that isn't because I don't love my husband, or don't enjoy sex with him - its just the way I seem to be built.

So - I voted for "Other" - because I don't neccessarily love the sex for the sake of the sex itself, I like the connection it inspires.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> 15%-20% of American couples have a sexless marriage. (Couples have sex 10 times per year or less.)
> 
> “Most professionals believe that low desire is experienced by men and women equally. So what is his side of the story?”
> 
> ...


I have a friend who is married to one of these LOW drive men..it is very hard for me to fathom...he even seems the more Dominant type....personality wise..... I guess he is very un affectionate, and it's killing her... it has caused such resentment, she doesn't know how much longer she can hold on, it has affected everything.... the Red flags were there in the beginning though.... he just didn't seem to need it- not like the other men before him......his 1st wife cheated on him....2nd wife -it didn't last... she is the 3rd. ...

They moved in together so quickly... a bonding took place and they just went into marriage, she thought it would get better..years later, it is the same.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I think 'most women' don't really like sex, but are just not bothered too much by it.

The women who respond on threads and poll's like this one, are biased and probably already more into sex.

In all of our family and friends cirlces it is a kind of taboo, when brought on the table people kind of freeze, and say nothing, or there is some joking along the tradional lines of expectation. That looks to me like simulation, afraid for what others would think.

It makes my wife and me think there is actually not much of a sex life, let alone some erotic life, in existence with most couples. Only some drunk fooling around now and then.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I think 'most women' don't really like sex, but are just not bothered too much by it.
> 
> The women who respond on threads and poll's like this one, are biased and probably already more into sex.
> 
> ...


Oh good grief. Please do tell all of us women what we think and feel. We surely do not know for ourselves.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Oh good grief. Please do tell all of us women what we think and feel. We surely do not know for ourselves.


??

I give my observation and conclusion. It's what I think. 

The bias of participation selection at polls seems obvious. 

So where do I go wrong, you maybe mistake my thinking for telling how you think?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

See_Listen_Love said:


> ??
> 
> I give my observation and conclusion. It's what I think.
> 
> ...


Yes what you posted is your observation and conclusion based on a very small sample of women; some of the women you know. This is also a very select small group of people. Is this also not a biased selection?

I found it interesting that you ignored what women here say about their feelings about sex.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I don't want to go into hair cutting about biassing, but it's not, because I talk about all women I know. So I do not moderate the selection. 

The selection is small, but the reason I made this observation is because I read (a lot) about this subject, and that is because the rate of divorce is so very high now. A female mentioned years ago to me, that a lot of those divorcing in our village were living like brother and sister before. And that was the first spark of interest for me. Relatively young people living as brother and sister. How could that be. Since then I followed news and science on the subject. 

I do not ignore what women say here, in contrary, the poll where 84% say they love sex was reason to think about who visit this thread, and why that % is so contradictory to other statistics. Ah now you will ask: 'What statistics', and since I would have to google I say, you have to look for yourself, I have no time at this moment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

See_Listen_Love said:


> A female mentioned years ago to me, that a lot of those divorcing in our village were living like brother and sister before. And that was the first spark of interest for me. Relatively young people living as brother and sister. How could that be. Since then I followed news and science on the subject.


A recent study of sexless marraiges came up with an interesting bit of statistics. One of them is that married men choose to abstain from sexual activity with their wives/girl friends at the same rate as women make this choice.

LD also occurs at about the same rate in men as it does in women.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,328226,00.html


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I love sex and some form of sexual contact everyday or twice a day suits me.

Have to say that all my close GF's seem to be the same.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> A recent study of sexless marraiges came up with an interesting bit of statistics. One of them is that married men choose to abstain from sexual activity with their wives/girl friends at the same rate as women make this choice.
> 
> LD also occurs at about the same rate in men as it does in women.
> 
> FOXSexpert: Five Reasons Men Stop Having Sex | Fox News


A good article I think, I did not blame either sex with the problem, if that is what you thought. Just because the tread was about women, I gave my opinion about their side.

I had quickly checked for some statistics, I read books from Kinsey, Masters and Johnson and Shere Hite, but I do not own them. Luckily the site of Kinsey's has some interesting statistics too.

They are worse than mentioned in the Fox article (about 20% have problems) in the age group 50-59, 'Married Women': 82% has from no sex at all during the year to a maximum of once a week. 

A couple of times a month is not enough in my view to be called a healthy sex life. 

I agree with you that there is also a problem with men. But I think when men have a low sex drive there are medical issues at hand.

I think people should have quality sex 2-3 times a week, and give that a priority in their relation. Before kids...

You can argue about the 'should', ofcourse. It is just my opinion on what is needed to have a great emotional and physical bond with your partner, have fun, have joy, be intimate, have great sex.

Seen my first reaction you know I am fully aware of the sobering reality of most people in that aspect. It is often said by them, sex is not very important any more. Never I hear about good or great sex.

My impression is they look at sex like a sweaty, short, cumbersome experience, with the quality of having it under blue neonlight in concrete room.

It can be very different...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Love, love, love it! Only with my husband of course.

The only things that will stop me if I'm having female issues(that cause secondary vaginismus, which is curable!!! Yay), bladder/kidney infections or if I'm throwing up. I'll also wait a few weeks after a major surgery also. Otherwise, I'm always hinting or asking. Our kids are plenty old enough to entertain themselves, so we just lock the door. We don't wait for them to go to bed.

Hubby knows my hints, so he can take it or leave it. I don't want to be pushy at all. I'm the one mostly initiating. My drive has been very high for about two years now. I hope it stays this way for a very long time!


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

There is nothing like the feeling of post sex euphoria


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Love it. But I'm extremely high drive so that's to be expected


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> For most I'd think that regular orgams = like sex.
> 
> works for me.


I liked sex in the past and orgasmed but no one ever GAVE me an orgasm.I always had to use my fingers in conjunction with intercourse and I never had an orgasm from oral or anything else.So sex was a "eh" kind of thing for me.I didn't crave it or need it really.
Then SO came along.He somehow gave me orgasms with no help from me.First time it happened,not gonna lie,I cried :rofl:
Now I have to have it from him every day.

Like and "eh" went to LOVE and NEED it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Did not care for it with my ex - it was duty sex, even with the orgasm, tho I faked it to get it over with a lot but emotional abuse tends to do that to a person's interest in sex!

With lovers after that I do love sex. I don't know what my drive is since I have never had a chance for a regular sex life since but with people I care about it's been great - not always orgasms but always the intimacy and arousal.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Did you see that post of the study that shows that men choose to withhold sex and thus create a sexless marriage as often as women do? So it's not a woman thing. It's both genders who do this... equally.


Actually, that is not what the study said (although the article did). From the article:



> An estimated 20 million marriages in the U.S. are without physical passion. Framed differently, 15 percent to 20 percent of American couples have sex 10 times per year or less. Such issues are rarely one-sided. Most professionals believe that low desire is experienced by men and women equally. So what is his side of the story?


It may be the study determined that half of sexless marriages are because of the husband making that choice, but for whatever reason the article does not say that. Perhaps it is sloppy reporting, but my guess, based on the authors views, is that the report either did not conlcude that or did not ask that question.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bump


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Zombie thread


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't consider this a zombie thread.

When we are concerned about zombie threads, it's because the OP is long gone and their topic if years old. Posting to someone who is long gone about something in their life that happened years ago is a waste of time.

Threads like this one that address a topic that this a more universal/ageless topic are ok to keep going over the long haul.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

EVERYBODY knows ALL women hate sex


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thound said:


> EVERYBODY knows ALL women hate sex


LOL and in this thread we get a chance to talk about how much we hate it. >


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Love it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Love.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Love it. But i hate bad sex. Rather do without.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I don't consider this a zombie thread.
> 
> When we are concerned about zombie threads, it's because the OP is long gone and their topic if years old. Posting to someone who is long gone about something in their life that happened years ago is a waste of time.
> 
> Threads like this one that address a topic that this a more universal/ageless topic are ok to keep going over the long haul.


It's also not a zombie thread when the person reviving it is the OP.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I LOVE sex. Love it. I love making love to my husband, and would do it every day if I could. He's delicious


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> Love it. But i hate bad sex. Rather do without.




Yeah, I'm starting to feel that way myself.

Doesn't mean you don't love the person. Just that sex is turning into a chore that you don't get much out of.


Sex and love ARE different.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> It's also not a zombie thread when the person reviving it is the OP.


Haha. Very true. Plus, even if Ele wasn't the OP, she is a mod... a mod who bumped a relevant thread. 

Oh, and to answer her question... love it.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How many of those women who love sex, love it frequently, or love it with their current partner? It's one thing to love sex, but another to actually have it.

For example, I love sex, but almost never had it with my ex.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> How many of those women who love sex, love it frequently, or love it with their current partner? It's one thing to love sex, but another to actually have it.
> 
> For example, I love sex, but almost never had it with my ex.


Because he has his own physical and psychological issues, I do not pester him for it. However, I do not turn him down, and I definitely make sure he knows when I am in the mood. But if he wanted it everyday, or every other day? Absolutely. And he is the only one I am with, and the only one I will be with, unless, God forbid, he dies.

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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

I love sex, but in the last few weeks of pregnancy I've been increasingly tired and lethargic, so have been unable to have it more than a couple of times per week. Before that we'd have sex 2-3 times per day most days. 

I hope it doesn't change after having the baby, but a lot of friends and family have said that it probably will...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> How many of those women who love sex, love it frequently, or love it with their current partner? It's one thing to love sex, but another to actually have it.
> 
> For example, I love sex, but almost never had it with my ex.


The answer to those questions are in the below linked thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/236514-women-whats-your-sex-drive-like.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fcm1228 said:


> I love sex...and for me 5 times or 6 a week will be perfect ....but!!! I when you have someone that don't like!!!!


You left a word out of that last sentence. Could you fix it so that we know which it is.....



I when you have someone that* YOU *don't like!!!! 

or

I when you have someone that don't like* IT *!!!!​


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Yeah, I'm starting to feel that way myself.
> 
> Doesn't mean you don't love the person. Just that sex is turning into a chore that you don't get much out of.
> 
> ...


How did that happen?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fcm1228 said:


> I have someone....that....don't like...


Ah, you don’t like your spouse.

Why not start a thread in the General Relationship Discussion forum and share with us what’s going on. We might be able to help you.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I think SOME women lose interest in their husbands because they become domesticated fat and lazy. When their man loses his edge he becomes less desirable. That's why I'm thinking of taking up cage fighting.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I am thrilled, absolutely THRILLED to see the results of this poll. 

I am an extremely high drive female who is so happy to see that so many of my sisters are the same way. Society, forums, etc., would have us all believing that men are high drive and women are not. 

If I could (gf and I are in an ldr), I would be having sex with my girlfriend multiple times a day, every day. We really click with similarly high drives and attitudes towards kink. 

I thought I was sort of freaky for a while, but now I know that I'm in good company! >


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thound said:


> I think SOME women lose interest in their husbands because they become domesticated fat and lazy. When their man loses his edge he becomes less desirable. That's why I'm thinking of taking up cage fighting.


Yes and some men also become disinterested in sex with their wives. It happens all the time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fcm1228 said:


> No..no... I don't say that....only....she don't like sex....there are women that don't like sex....there for!!!!


The purpose of this thread is for WOMEN to talk about whether or not they like sex. Not for men to complain about their wives. Like I said, if you want to talk about your marriage and your wife, start your own thread.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

introvert said:


> I am thrilled, absolutely THRILLED to see the results of this poll.
> 
> I am an extremely high drive female who is so happy to see that so many of my sisters are the same way. Society, forums, etc., would have us all believing that men are high drive and women are not.
> 
> ...


Here is another thread on the topic that you might find interesting. Here on TAM we mostly hear from men complaining that their spouse does not like sex. Clearly it's a self-selected group that does not represent women as a whole, not in a long shot.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/236514-women-whats-your-sex-drive-like.html


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Well I have had 5 long term relationships in my life (long term being longer than 6 months) maybe another 8 or so shorter relationships lasting 1-6 months. All of them loved sex. Never met a one that didn't so you can add another 14 votes from my experience


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Here is another thread on the topic that you might find interesting. Here on TAM we mostly hear from men complaining that their spouse does not like sex. Clearly it's a self-selected group that does not represent women as a whole, not in a long shot.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/236514-women-whats-your-sex-drive-like.html


Grazie!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yes and some men also become disinterested in sex with their wives. It happens all the time.


That seemed so bizarre to me until lately. After 15 years of rejection feeling unwanted and undesired I'm losing interest in my wife.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

These polls are fun and interesting, but people need to keep in mind that the selection effects here are very large. Most people are on TAM because of some issue in their marriages, and frequently that issue involves their sex life. I think we have to expect to see a lot of people (of either gender) who would really enjoy sex if only......

Lots of women really enjoy sex. Lots of men really enjoy sex. Lots of couples have great sex lives. 




EleGirl said:


> Here is another thread on the topic that you might find interesting. Here on TAM we mostly hear from men complaining that their spouse does not like sex. Clearly it's a self-selected group that does not represent women as a whole, not in a long shot.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/236514-women-whats-your-sex-drive-like.html


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> *How many of those women who love sex, love it frequently, or love it with their current partner*? It's one thing to love sex, but another to actually have it.


Meeeeeeeeeeee!!


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## Justus3 (Oct 18, 2014)

I voted I love sex!!!!


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

introvert said:


> I am thrilled, absolutely THRILLED to see the results of this poll.
> 
> I am an extremely high drive female who is so happy to see that so many of my sisters are the same way. Society, forums, etc., would have us all believing that men are high drive and women are not.
> 
> ...


I have always had friends, sisters etc that talk about sex and love it. Finding a quality partner is the more difficult part of the equation. 

I always knew women love sex, what I didn't know when I got married the first time is that some men are not healthy sexual beings.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

LOVE sex, but just not with my husband!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

uhtred said:


> These polls are fun and interesting, but people need to keep in mind that the selection effects here are very large. Most people are on TAM because of some issue in their marriages, and frequently that issue involves their sex life.


For all of the women who voted that they love sex, I would be curious to know "why" each of them is here.

A few of them undoubtedly originally came here with a sex issue, but I think most of them ended up here for some other reason.

I think the high numbers of women saying they love sex is a selective sample at TAM, but I don't believe it is that far off from the normal population.

I don't read trash mags like Cosmo, but why the hell would every single cover spout headlines about how to have the best orgasms and how to give the best blow jobs if "most" women (who read that mag) didn't love sex? 

Even Oprah's magazine has plenty of sex and sex related articles. Who do you think is reading those if not for women like us here who love sex?

The biggest "secret" is not that women love sex, it is that there are more men with low sex drives than most people would assume or imagine. Those men will not be openly discussing their lack of a sex drive, which means that the assumption that "all men want sex" appears to be true since the low drive ones will not step forward.

But in this day and age, the high drive women ARE stepping forward and to some of you that seems like it is a skewed percentage, that's mostly just because you had already assumed less women love sex than men do.

Think of it in the natural world....why would one gender of any animal "like sex" more than the other gender? Nature doesn't design us that way, she made it so that both genders would naturally be drawn toward the opposite gender and would want to procreate. In humans, we also want to recreate and bond through sex. There is absolutely no biological reason to assume that men or women want or like sex "more" than the other.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is unfortunately still a lot of social pressure out there. Men can't admit that they don't like sex for fear of being labeled as "gay". Women are reluctant to admit how much they like sex for fear of being labeled as [women who want too much sex]. (sorry, rules don't let me use the word).

Since its assumed that all men want sex, women who's partners feel that they don't worry that it is *their* fault, that they are unattractive. 

Men who's partners don't want sex are told to "man up", or "be more alpha". etc. 


Its hard to know the numbers but its clear that there is a huge range in how much people of both genders want sex and what sort of sex that they want. This is all fine as long as the compatibility is OK. Unfortunately since people don't talk a lot about varying sexual desires, people don't know to be alert for this early on in dating. Instead they either put up with too little sex, or pretend to enjoy it more than they really do in order to make the relationship work. 






Faithful Wife said:


> For all of the women who voted that they love sex, I would be curious to know "why" each of them is here.
> 
> A few of them undoubtedly originally came here with a sex issue, but I think most of them ended up here for some other reason.
> 
> ...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Its hard to know the numbers but its clear that there is a huge range in how much people of both genders want sex and what sort of sex that they want. This is all fine as long as the compatibility is OK. Unfortunately since people don't talk a lot about varying sexual desires, people don't know to be alert for this early on in dating. Instead they either put up with too little sex, or pretend to enjoy it more than they really do in order to make the relationship work.


This really just points to lack of relationship skills, not to which gender may like or want sex more than the other.

Most people want sex and like it. This comes naturally. At the same time, most people do not naturally know how to have a great relationship or know what signs to look for that it is not the right relationship.

The two things are not directly related usually (aptitude for relationship skills versus desire for sex).


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Yeah, I'm starting to feel that way myself.
> 
> Doesn't mean you don't love the person. Just that sex is turning into a chore that you don't get much out of.
> 
> ...





ConanHub said:


> How did that happen?




How did sex turn into a chore; with little return?

Well, decades long PE was something that always had to be worked around, and was very frustrating for _moi_ to work around. But I did. And I say "I" advisedly. I did most of the working around and compromising in order to get an orgasm with my husband. And, when you're young and horny and still very much infatuated; you do that. It's a selfish thing, to a point. " He's beautiful...I just WANT him".

The last several years have added the dimension of my husband's significant weight gain, low testosterone; which has been further complicated by blood pressure meds and anti-depressants. If you don't know of the side effects of those meds on sex drive and erections---have a fun coupla hours on Google learning something new :laugh:

SO.... the timing is always off, I feel like a nuisance asking, the physicality is becoming workably impossible. So on and so forth.

And you being to wonder if it's really worth the effort. And supposedly, if you starve your sex drive, it gets weaker and weaker....and sometimes it seems like the best option.

Not the most desired option, not the happiest option.

Are you also asking how I got to the conclusion that sex and love are not the same?

Because even though sex has mostly gone out the window; I still love my husband. And I would rather go without sex, than go without him. You're either gonna "get" that, or you aren't. It can't be explained.:x


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> This really just points to lack of relationship skills, not to which gender may like or want sex more than the other.
> 
> Most people want sex and like it. This comes naturally. At the same time, most people do not naturally know how to have a great relationship or know what signs to look for that it is not the right relationship.
> 
> The two things are not directly related usually (aptitude for relationship skills versus desire for sex).


Preach on sister!

I couldn't agree more with this post!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

notmyrealname4 said:


> How did sex turn into a chore; with little return?
> 
> Well, decades long PE was something that always had to be worked around, and was very frustrating for _moi_ to work around. But I did. And I say "I" advisedly. I did most of the working around and compromising in order to get an orgasm with my husband. And, when you're young and horny and still very much infatuated; you do that. It's a selfish thing, to a point. " He's beautiful...I just WANT him".
> 
> ...


Thank you for illustrating your situation.

I fully understand the difference between sex and love. I'm a former man ho. LOL!

You have my sympathies about your situation. Your husband is probably not motivated to improve his health and lose some weight?

What is PE if you don't mind educating me?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Thank you for illustrating your situation.
> 
> I fully understand the difference between sex and love. I'm a former man ho. LOL!
> 
> ...



PE is premature ejaculation; and it is of the devil. :frown2:

No, he is not motivated to improve his health and lose weight.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

notmyrealname4 said:


> PE is premature ejaculation; and it is of the devil. :frown2:
> 
> No, he is not motivated to improve his health and lose weight.


This just drives me bonkers!

There is so much he can do to improve his health, from T levels to weight loss thereby controlling blood pressure.

The premature ejaculation is absolutely a solvable problem as well.

He is fortunate to have your love.

I'm not trying to be rude or insulting but I'm genuinely curious.

Have you ever been tempted to stray? I have quite a few stories about this issue. Almost worth starting a thread over but people might be shy to talk about it here.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> This just drives me bonkers!
> 
> There is so much he can do to improve his health, from T levels to weight loss thereby controlling blood pressure.
> 
> ...




Yes, I know all of that.

My husband does too. He won't do anything that bores him (exercise); and he won't eat low calorie diets, or anything like that. He doesn't really eat much. His metabolism must be sunk at this point.

I believe in weight loss and muscle building to increase T naturally. I wouldn't want my H to take medical testosterone.

If he wanted to, it's his body. But there is no way on the earth, that he is going to a doctor and saying, "I have almost no sex drive, I fall asleep all the time, I wake up tired; should I go on testosterone?" It's admitting to the sex part that would bother him. He will not admit to having issues to some stranger; even if that stranger is a doctor.

His low levels were discovered "accidentally" when he got blood work done about two years ago. The doctor offered no solutions, or even talked about it with him. They left a message on his voicemail, telling him he had high cholesterol and low testosterone.:scratchhead:

I'm not sure that PE is solvable.

He is fortunate to have my sexual fidelity; I suppose. But I couldn't get turned on cheating. And I'd never divorce him because he's lost his sex drive. Stuff happens.

I always think he could have done better than me anyway. But that is a long story. Basically, I've been very happy to be with him. And especially at the beginning, I was blown away that he asked me out.

I sometimes need to have sex so bad that I feel pangs all over my body, and I get teary-eyed. Sex together is getting increasingly non-productive. The best answer I can come up with is to let it go. All things must pass.

I love my husband, warts and all. There isn't too much of sacrifice in it really. I get a lot from my marriage, on non-sexual levels.

One weird "good" thing about it, is that it keeps things real. It is a reminder that we are getting older and that we are going to die one day. So, enjoy every bit of life that you can. Live in the now and savor every positive thing, "time's a wastin' "


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Yes, I know all of that.
> 
> My husband does too. He won't do anything that bores him (exercise); and he won't eat low calorie diets, or anything like that. He doesn't really eat much. His metabolism must be sunk at this point.
> 
> ...


PE is very solvable.

Despite your situation I love your attitude!

I'm generally a positive outlook guy and take things in stride because life does throw you curves once in a while.

I'm also a thick headed barbarian who won't hesitate to tackle a problem.

I would not be as accepting as you but, as I suspected, you get a lot out of your marriage.

Thanks for sharing your perspective!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> For all of the women who voted that they love sex, I would be curious to know "why" each of them is here.
> 
> A few of them undoubtedly originally came here with a sex issue, but I think most of them ended up here for some other reason.


There are other threads on TAM where women address why they are here. Sex is not the only topic.

Affairs in their marriage: husbands who are emotionally and/or physically abusive; husbands who do not want sex; and on and one.

I came to TAM because my husband refused to get a job, lived on his computer, ignored me and his kids (from a previous marriage), and at that point he chose to make the last 5 years of the marriage sexless. I was in a deep depression and I needed help to get out of the depression and divorce the guy. Like I said, the problems that bring people here are often far more complex than just sex. Even when people come here complaining that there is not enough sex in their marriage, the problem is usually far deeper than just little to no sex.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

My wife appears to love sex, and thankfully she loves having sex with me (as she initiates it as often as I do). 

So, I did not come to TAM for this reason or related reasons. I had a problem, a problem with drinking and the way in which it was affecting my relationships with my wife and sons. I have since traded this addiction for an exercise addiction which seems to benefit our sex life more now than before. This latter addiction does not seem to impair our relationship. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Ikaika said:


> I have since traded this addiction for an exercise addiction which seems to benefit our sex life more now than before. This latter addiction does not seem to impair our relationship.


Some people have addictive type personalities. So what you did was a really good idea.

You direct all that focus and energy and obsession, if you will--towards something really positive.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ursula said:


> LOVE sex, but just not with my husband!


Ok young lady. You planted the hook. Please, by all means, elaborate.✨


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

First off ConanHub, thanks for referring to me as a young lady! I just celebrated 39 years, and am not feeling overly young these days. :smile2:

I have loved sex in the past with certain boyfriends, and I even enjoyed it a bit more with H before we were engaged. Hubby was a virgin when we met, and hasn't exactly been easy to teach when it comes to between-the-sheets activities. He outright hurt me during our earlier days, not meaning to of course, but I thought of it more like a kid in a candy shop: utter excitement to the point of not really being aware. So, I covered up certain areas of my body because I got tired of being hurt, of telling him to please be more gentle, and of having to deal with that every time we were in a sexual situation. I covered up for a good long while, and he never questioned anything. Eventually (a couple years later), I told him the reasoning, and he was a bit surprised (he had forgotten that I told him how much his touch (pinching, biting) hurt). 

I've been thinking about this A LOT lately because I want to get to the root of the problem. And so, another reason that I can't seem to get over the lack of sexual enjoyment is that when we first moved in together, and for quite some time after that, he treated our living situation like that of roommates. He would wash up the towels that he used on wash day, and leave all the others for me to wash. He would pick through the dirty pile of dishes for the ones that he used, and leave the rest for me to do. I should've nipped this is the butt right away, but I guess I thought that he would change his ways, or that maybe he was in a rush. Nope, his reasoning: he didn't think to do the rest of the towels, and he didn't know that the other dishes were dirty. And so began a vicious cycle of thinking about our relationship as that of roommates. I still think of it that way, and I consider him to be more of a buddy or a brother now, which makes sex extremely uncomfortable!

So now, I enjoy pleasuring myself, and dreaming about the day when I'll have an equal in life, someone who is less socially awkward, who is genuine and doesn't put on faces to get what he wants, who is OK with putting others before himself sometimes, and someone who I'm sexually attracted to, to the point of daydreaming about ripping their clothes off at the end of the day. :grin2:



ConanHub said:


> Ok young lady. You planted the hook. Please, by all means, elaborate.✨


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

39 is young! 

I think a partner who wants to please you can always learn what to do. A partner who doesn't will never be a good lover. 

The other side of that is the need to clearly communicate - and for him to listen. I do find it strange that some people do not seem to listen. OTOH, maybe communication that is obvious to one person isn't obvious to the other. 




Ursula said:


> First off ConanHub, thanks for referring to me as a young lady! I just celebrated 39 years, and am not feeling overly young these days. :smile2:
> 
> I have loved sex in the past with certain boyfriends, and I even enjoyed it a bit more with H before we were engaged. Hubby was a virgin when we met, and hasn't exactly been easy to teach when it comes to between-the-sheets activities. He outright hurt me during our earlier days, not meaning to of course, but I thought of it more like a kid in a candy shop: utter excitement to the point of not really being aware. So, I covered up certain areas of my body because I got tired of being hurt, of telling him to please be more gentle, and of having to deal with that every time we were in a sexual situation. I covered up for a good long while, and he never questioned anything. Eventually (a couple years later), I told him the reasoning, and he was a bit surprised (he had forgotten that I told him how much his touch (pinching, biting) hurt).
> 
> ...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

We have actually done this: spent time talking about likes/dislikes, and then participating in sexual activities, which were great directly after the conversation! But, the next time was back to normal; what we had talked about had been forgotten, and the pinching/biting was back. After a year and a bit of trying, I started to give up unfortunately, and that's my fault. I guess we could've preceded every encounter with a conversation beforehand, but it was just getting to be too much and too frustrating. OTOH, I do think that he wants to please me, but he doesn't know how, and I no longer know what to tell him. But yes, what might be obvious to one isn't to another!



uhtred said:


> 39 is young!
> 
> I think a partner who wants to please you can always learn what to do. A partner who doesn't will never be a good lover.
> 
> The other side of that is the need to clearly communicate - and for him to listen. I do find it strange that some people do not seem to listen. OTOH, maybe communication that is obvious to one person isn't obvious to the other.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

I absolutely love sex and feel incredibly lucky to have a partner with similar drive and tastes. 

In my previous relationship I lost all sexual attraction to my partner so I know what it feels like to be LD with an HD partner. It really is an absolutely miserable situation and I can't help but feel tremendous pity for both spouses in a relationship where one is naturally LD.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ursula said:


> We have actually done this: spent time talking about likes/dislikes, and then participating in sexual activities, which were great directly after the conversation! But, the next time was back to normal; what we had talked about had been forgotten, and the pinching/biting was back. After a year and a bit of trying, I started to give up unfortunately, and that's my fault. I guess we could've preceded every encounter with a conversation beforehand, but it was just getting to be too much and too frustrating. OTOH, I do think that he wants to please me, but he doesn't know how, and I no longer know what to tell him. But yes, what might be obvious to one isn't to another!


Often times people do not make changes until they in so much pain that it basically forces them to change.

I'm saying the following probably more to others reading here who might have similar issues as I do think this is way too late for you. One thing that I see in what you wrote is that in a lot of ways you taught him that the biting, pinching, etc. are ok because you put up with it for so long. For something verbal communication just does not work. Had you responded immediately to every bit or pinch in a very strong negative way, like just end the sex immediately with a strong rebuff, it might have taught him not to do that to you. Instead your allowing it taught him that it was ok, even if you did fuss about it some.

The same kind of thing goes for the laundry, the dishes, etc. 

It is so hard to deal with issues like this. Some people are so self absorbed that they do not notice the normal reactions that others have. It's like we need to use the proverbial sledge hammer to get them to notice and to change.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It sounds like the problem was him, not you.

Not to you, but to others, it is important to be clear about the difference between "I don't like XYZ right now", and "I don't like XYZ ever", or possibly "Every once in a while I want XYZ, and I'll let you know". 

Another difficult one is explaining that something can be not enjoyable, but still cause you to have an O. 




Ursula said:


> We have actually done this: spent time talking about likes/dislikes, and then participating in sexual activities, which were great directly after the conversation! But, the next time was back to normal; what we had talked about had been forgotten, and the pinching/biting was back. After a year and a bit of trying, I started to give up unfortunately, and that's my fault. I guess we could've preceded every encounter with a conversation beforehand, but it was just getting to be too much and too frustrating. OTOH, I do think that he wants to please me, but he doesn't know how, and I no longer know what to tell him. But yes, what might be obvious to one isn't to another!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@EleGirl, I never thought of it at the time, but yes, I should've shut the sex down completely after those instances of biting/pinching. Instead, I pulled back, and usually said "Ouch, that hurts!". He'd apologize, and we'd carry on. Shutting it down would've at least got it through a little faster that I meant business. Same thing for the laundry/dishes/housework. Hindsight is 20/20, and I definitely should've used the proverbial sledge hammer!
@uhtred, it was both our faults; not just his. If I could go back to when we were dating, I'd have been a lot stronger with him, and stuck to my guns more. Unfortunately now, even though things are changing a bit, I think it's too little too late. :|



EleGirl said:


> Often times people do not make changes until they in so much pain that it basically forces them to change.
> 
> I'm saying the following probably more to others reading here who might have similar issues as I do think this is way too late for you. One thing that I see in what you wrote is that in a lot of ways you taught him that the biting, pinching, etc. are ok because you put up with it for so long. For something verbal communication just does not work. Had you responded immediately to every bit or pinch in a very strong negative way, like just end the sex immediately with a strong rebuff, it might have taught him not to do that to you. Instead your allowing it taught him that it was ok, even if you did fuss about it some.
> 
> ...


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