# sex/masturbation/ different questions



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I have a couple of questions and didn't want to hijack other thread.

1. I've read here many times that a good, frequent sex life is reflective of how the rest of the marriage is going. If one partner doesn't want sex, it is probably due to some dissatisfaction with the rest of the marriage. Is that always the case? It seems like less of a problem if both partners are on the same track. 

What if both are satisfied with sex once every 4 months? Even if both are satisfied, is that a sign that resentment or other problems could be lurking underneath. Even if they are both satisfied and sex is never an argument, should they be asking themselves, "why do I not want sex more with the person i love"? Could there be an underlying problem? 


2. I have read that masturbation is totally natural and that "everybody" does it at some point, and if they say they don't, they are lying. A poster in another thread stated that his wife thought masturbation was gross and never did it. That was how my x wife was. I remember the subject came up once and she said she had never done it, not even before marriage when she was single. I don't recall a big explanation, but she just thought the idea of it was weird and never had the desire. 

I don't think it odd if someone says they don't in a sexually satisfying marriage, nor do I find it odd that it wasn't something that dominated their youth, but when someone says they have "never" done it, that seems a bit unusual. Does anyone buy this? Should that have been a red flag when my x told me before marriage that she had never masturbated in her life? Perhaps that was a sign that her sexual interest was very low.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

southbound said:


> I have a couple of questions and didn't want to hijack other thread.
> 
> 1. I've read here many times that a good, frequent sex life is reflective of how the rest of the marriage is going. If one partner doesn't want sex, it is probably due to some dissatisfaction with the rest of the marriage. Is that always the case? It seems like less of a problem if both partners are on the same track.
> 
> ...


To answer your first question, marriage can develop beyond the sex, agape. This reminds me of the case where a woman married a man who was 15 years older or so and when she turned 45 he was too old and didn't want sex as often so she divorced because she didn't want to cheat on him. Such is love? No. Love needs to be planted, grown, watered, pruned, if you both are satisfied at once every X amount of time, then thats fine.

For your second question, masturbation is NOT natural, I do not see why many doctors and people beleive that its good for you and even go to the extent of it preventing prostate cancer? So to the man who doesn't masterbate say goodbye to your prostate? Masturbation is a selfish act which is hedonistic at its core to give yourself pleasure, which people call a "release". For men, masturbation affects focus, concentration, it affects your body physiologically, it affects the attention towards your spouse and messes with your dopamine release for when you do have sex. There are plenty more CONSTRUCTIVE ways to release that frustration and transcend it in and out of a relationship.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Satisfying sex in a marriage is about both parties being pretty much content with the pace, quality, and frequency of sex. If two people love one another, but both are uninterested in sex, that's a good match. If they don't feel deprived, or stifled, than a sexless or near sexless marriage is perfect for those two parties. 

My wife NEVER masturbated before we got married. Never. Not during our long relationship, and not before that. My wife was my best friend for years, and wouldn't have lied about that. And I use to encourage her to indulge in masturbation, but she never got the point. She has started masturbating over the last 2 years, but it's very infrequent, and it only happens when she wants sex really badly and I'm either not in the mood.

And my wife has a high, healthy sex drive.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

southbound said:


> I have a couple of questions and didn't want to hijack other thread.
> 
> 1. I've read here many times that a good, frequent sex life is reflective of how the rest of the marriage is going. If one partner doesn't want sex, it is probably due to some dissatisfaction with the rest of the marriage. Is that always the case? It seems like less of a problem if both partners are on the same track.


Not always the case. Sometimes medication (anti-depressents), health and even life (death in a family such as loss of a child) can do a lot to damage a sex life but it's not the fault of either person.



southbound said:


> What if both are satisfied with sex once every 4 months? Even if both are satisfied, is that a sign that resentment or other problems could be lurking underneath. Even if they are both satisfied and sex is never an argument, should they be asking themselves, "why do I not want sex more with the person i love"? Could there be an underlying problem?


Once again, not necessarily. We've read countless stories of wives who seem to almost hate sex, and plenty of stories of men who seemingly care very little for sex as well. If it so happens that a woman and a man who are in these situations should meet up, then they will likely have a sex life like you described. And that's fine, for them.




southbound said:


> 2. I have read that masturbation is totally natural and that "everybody" does it at some point, and if they say they don't, they are lying. A poster in another thread stated that his wife thought masturbation was gross and never did it. That was how my x wife was. I remember the subject came up once and she said she had never done it, not even before marriage when she was single. I don't recall a big explanation, but she just thought the idea of it was weird and never had the desire.
> 
> I don't think it odd if someone says they don't in a sexually satisfying marriage, nor do I find it odd that it wasn't something that dominated their youth, but when someone says they have "never" done it, that seems a bit unusual. Does anyone buy this? Should that have been a red flag when my x told me before marriage that she had never masturbated in her life? Perhaps that was a sign that her sexual interest was very low.


My ex-wife said the same thing. She said she tried it once, but it felt uncomfortable and weird and didn't go back to it. And I believe her because sex wasn't something she seemed very interested in period. She was all about having numerous emotional affairs (I believe strongly some got physical, but more so to keep the emotional affair going than anything). I think masturbation is a sign of how often someone thinks about sex on their own. No one suggests you go masturbate (unless it's a marriage/relationship kink you're into I guess), so to masturbate you need to have a mind which is geared at least somewhat towards sex. LD typically isn't, so the ratio of masturbation is likely to be low. At least that's my opinion.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My STBXW said she never masturbated prior to marriage, and never shared a single sexual fantasy or desire with me in 18 years of marriage. My GF told me about looking at her father's Penthouse magazines, having orgasms from a bathtub faucet and masturbating regularly from her early teens. 

Guess which one I'm having a much more satisfying sexual relationship with? FWIW, my own sexual experience is much more like my GF's rather than my wife's, with the exception that I was a virgin till about 23.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> For your second question, masturbation is NOT natural *WHAT? How is something that so many primates and other naimals do, and that like 90% of humans do not natural?*, I do not see why many doctors and people beleive that its good for you and even go to the extent of it preventing prostate cancer *This is based on long term studies showing a positive correlation between more frequent ejaculations and less instances of prostate cancer - the ejaculations are not necessarily from masturbation*? So to the man who doesn't masterbate say goodbye to your prostate? *No, just as a man who doesn't smoke is not immune to lung cancer, just a probability issue based on evidence. *Masturbation is a selfish act which is hedonistic at its core to give yourself pleasure, which people call a "release". *Eating ice cream is also hedonistic, as is watching most things that are on TV, same for buying almost anything in almost any store. Why buy Doritos when one can subsist on oatmeal and celery?* For men, masturbation affects focus, concentration, it affects your body physiologically, it affects the attention towards your spouse and messes with your dopamine release for when you do have sex. *It affects concentration positively or negatively? All men are the same I suppose. Messes with dopamine? Doesn't exercise do this too? Sleep? Work? Stress? *There are plenty more CONSTRUCTIVE ways to release that frustration and transcend it in and out of a relationship. *Why does it have to be about frustration? Are there less CONSTRUCTIVE ways too? Aren't there more constructive things to do than watching baseball? Should I therefore stop?*


I'll take repressed closemindedness for 200 Alex. (Just being a sarcastic jerk - internet being anonymous and all).


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

PBear said:


> My GF told me about looking at her father's Penthouse magazines, having orgasms from a bathtub faucet and masturbating regularly from her early teens.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hahahaha... me too  The bathtub faucet was my first real lover!


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

it is a red flag in a relationship if you have a high drive and your prospective partner has never masturbated and hasn't much in the way of fantasy. That tells you that the partner and you may have compatibility problems when it comes to sex.

In my experience this can still work out okay but it is a red flag nonetheless.

As for sex every four months, if you are both happy, why not? It's not like the marriage police will knock on your door. I think that is a big "if". I wasn't happy with our sex life when we were having sex twice a week. Each couple and each person is different.

I think in most cases if someone doesn't like sex, they are blocking it somehow, shut down to it, and have some issues that can be dealt with and when they are, this person will "unlock", perhaps with a different partner, and almost be a different person, sexually speaking.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Hahahaha... me too  The bathtub faucet was my first real lover!


Oh yes..................the bathrub faucet!!! I still have a place in my heart for it!!!! :smthumbup:

I started masturbating at a young age...........hey why not? If feels good! I still do it, even though I'm married and have a daughter. I love it! It's a very natural thing to do. 

I think that people that are against it, have never done it, etc., just don't know their bodies at all, nor what it's capable of.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

southbound said:


> I've read here many times that a good, frequent sex life is reflective of how the rest of the marriage is going. If one partner doesn't want sex, it is probably due to some dissatisfaction with the rest of the marriage. Is that always the case?


I dont know if that is ALWAYS the case, but it makes alot of sense to me. If people are in a great marriage, best friends, totally attracted to each other and they show that attraction for one another, then yes, I'm sure they are having frequent awesome sex.

On the other hand, if there is resentment in the marriage/relationship, sex will likely not happen as often as 1 partner prefers. 

JMO!


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Southern Wife, I love your signature. 

As for the OP: "Frequency" does not necessarily determine the health of a relationship. Some couples are fine with once a month, others need it every other day. A healthy sex life is unique to each couple.

As for masturbation...I don't think masturbation is an indication of a high sex drive. I rarely masturbate(I really don't enjoy it much) and I have a fairly high libido. I never masturbated before marriage, ever.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> Southern Wife, I love your signature.


Thanks! :toast:


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Oh yes..................the bathrub faucet!!! I still have a place in my heart for it!!!! :smthumbup:
> 
> I started masturbating at a young age...........hey why not? If feels good! I still do it, even though I'm married and have a daughter. I love it! It's a very natural thing to do.
> 
> I think that people that are against it, have never done it, etc., just don't know their bodies at all, nor what it's capable of.












Don't we all? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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