# My husband has too many best female friends...either divorced or widowed....HATE IT!!



## jessy81 (Dec 2, 2012)

I hate this I hate this I hate this!!! He is always the consoling best friends, the secret keeper of so many women around him...his friend's about-to-become divorced wife, a woman or 2 at work!!! it's absurd & damn hurtful!!! I can't stand it!!! He introduced me to all his friends but I can't stand the constant chatting & phones talking about their secrets while I just sit there & watch him become their therapist! I DON'T TRUST THESE WOMEN ONE DAMN BIT!!!! AT ALL!!! I don't know what the hell to do!!


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## Orca-gal (Nov 20, 2012)

You are very patient but patient in a dangerous situation. Today I'm talking of a husband who has cheated with one of the women he called friends. He is a good man, very friendly and makes good friends of women. My last post in 2012 read as follows : I have been married for 24 years now, 15 years of that were great except the last 8 years when he entangled himself with another woman. He wrote her letters, sent cards, emailed her, chatted on skype and gmail, phoned, smsed, exchanged pictures. All my warnings, discussions, pleadings, crying seemed to fall on deaf ears. He maintained they were only friends but invested his energies more in this woman. Finally he cut his ties when I applied tough love, I threw him out of my mind, took care of myself, and prepared myself to leave at the right time. What he did was not my baby anymore, I was out of his life though living with him. I still carried out all necessary duties in the home. This eased my pain and i started mapping out my life. When it hit him that I was 'not with him' he made a u-turn to start mending things. Years of disrespect are not easily mended. 

If you do not take a tough stand right now, you will continue to suffer anger, suspicions, resentment and finally your marriage will be either be history or badly damaged. Take a strong stand. 
Wish you the best

So if you do not check what is going on you will end up in my situation. He only confessed now to infidelity. Despite his infidelity he still kept the woman in the name of being civil. When I took action he dropped her. I contacted the woman to and threatened to expose her. 

I am now looking at divorce.


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## jessy81 (Dec 2, 2012)

i am only 4 months married now ...this is both our 2nd marriages..u can imagine how increasingly frustrated i feel...he doesn't understand that having different sex close friendships is the most dangerous thing EVER! He can't act like he was single..he really can't! I want to talk to this woman....about to get divorced since he introduced her & we r supposedly now "friends" to back the hell off! He is nobody's best friend anymore...nobody...he has friends...so do i...but nobody should be close like that but me....for Godsake if he were a saint i still can't ever trust the women around him!! What kind of woman befriends a married man like that???? I was divorced & I NEVER EVER EVER ATTEMPTED to get NEAR any committed man...ever!!! I'm crushed about this...and terrified..terrified...i don't wanna upset him...but i don't wanna be cheated on years from now...and i can't handle feeling so stressed like this! I chose him to marry because I knew I would never feel sad or unsafe with him....now..right now..i feel both! I'm extremely upset about this...


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## Orca-gal (Nov 20, 2012)

Your husband is the number 1 problem. Four months of marriage and he is behaving like this. You are in for a long battle. You are seeing his true character. Accept this behavior and soon you will talking a different story. You need to take stern measures if you are going to save the situation. Depending on your financial status you could move out temporarily to send your message. I do not see it getting any better. This is something you are going to live with for years. He may change to save the situation but will go underground with his women friend.


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## jessy81 (Dec 2, 2012)

that's exactly what i'm afraid of...going underground....now i know everything & he involves me in their "secrets" (i wanna barf!!) if i tell him anything, he'll still be best friends behind my back....i can't control anything he does....i'm terrified....i am thinking of taking him out somewhere nice & calmly talking about how irrelevant if what a saint he is, is making me damn uncomfortable & upset...........my feelings should matter over any damn thing...esp. female single friends! i appreciate him introducing me so it's all "legit" but that does not at all give him or her any excuse to remain besties!!!

Should I do that? Discuss it calmly over dinner somewhere nice?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jessy81 said:


> he doesn't understand that having different sex close friendships is the most dangerous thing EVER!
> 
> i appreciate him introducing me so it's all "legit" but that does not at all give him or her any excuse to remain besties!!!


Jessy, it sounds like you always knew this is how he operated. Is that right? Meaning, he's always had a ton of "besties" who are women and always carries on talking with them and being their "secret keeper." If that is the case, then marriage was was very unlikely to change that. You can talk to him but realize if he was this way before you said "I do," then you "got what you paid for" so to speak. 

I dated a guy once who was best friends with his woman, an ex with whom he had a romantic past. It was the reason we stopped dating. I could not keep dating him because we viewed this so differently. Just different boundaries.


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## Orca-gal (Nov 20, 2012)

Jessy81. My hubby legitimately introduced the woman to me as a friend of his. She came into my house. I sincerely welcomed her and I left it at they are friends. I could not be everywhere he went. Behind my back, everything I dreaded happened. How you come to meet these women does not count, it is what may happen behind you back with these familiar friends.
Try your luck and talk to him. He may change but also expect to be told off as an immature lady, jealousy etc. but be strong and fight on. He will give all sorts excuses. 
Anyway he is not the graveyard for women's secrets. He should not even be there. Mine was being a graveyard for another woman's problems and he was sucked in.
Are there no other women where those ladies can confide in??


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## Orca-gal (Nov 20, 2012)

Jessy81. Another two cents. When I started dating my husband he had a very close female lady. I did not know at first. When I realised there was a close friend I was confused but he assured me they stayed in one town as neighbors so I let it pass but back of mind I was uneasy. Along the way he would make strong female friends but I took it lightly but I continued complaining. I did not nip the problem much early so in laters it happens that it is another woman he brought very close to him that has wrecked my home. I battled this later friendship of his for 10 years!! And what did I get, cheated on. It is this serious. Be strong!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you date before you got married? Why did you marry someone who behaved this way?

You could get him to read the book "Not Just Friends" with you. And like the others have said, the problem isn't solved by chasing off the other women. You need to deal with HIS behaviour, not theirs. Otherwise, someone new will just take their place.

C


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

jessy81 said:


> I hate this I hate this I hate this!!! He is always the consoling best friends, the secret keeper of so many women around him...his friend's about-to-become divorced wife, a woman or 2 at work!!! it's absurd & damn hurtful!!! I can't stand it!!! He introduced me to all his friends but I can't stand the constant chatting & phones talking about their secrets while I just sit there & watch him become their therapist! I DON'T TRUST THESE WOMEN ONE DAMN BIT!!!! AT ALL!!! I don't know what the hell to do!!


I have a solution for you Jesse. Here's how you can get him to knock it off with the girls: find a few men that are friends and have them around; call these men; text them chat with them to all those sorts of things pretty soon hubby is going to get really mad and jealous and forget all about the girls and he'll be thinking about how is going to eliminate your men.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jessy,

It sounds like your husband is Knight in Shining Armor. That means that he spends his time and energy rescuing damsel's in distress... all the while ignoring his wife.

He most likely does it because it's a HUGE ego boost. It feeds that need in him. It's a character flaw.

How long did you date him?

When you met him, were you having problems that he "helped" you trhough?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Opposite sex friends? Unacceptable. Couples? Sure. But no one-on-one.

You gotta ween him of this pronto. He's spending his time, energy and attention on other women rather than you. He is probably a bit of an attention wh0re too.

Counseling? A book like Not Just Friends may help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: My husband has too many best female friends...either divorced or widowed....H*



foolscotton3 said:


> "Yeah.... so my husband tells me you have been going through some issues, I just wanted you to know, I'm great at these sort of things."
> 
> 
> I love it!


Better yet......

Let's say that her husband has two friends, Betty and Jane.

The wife goes to Betty and says that "H told me that you are having a really hard time with (fill in a problem). He's just such a good friend with Jane, helps her all the time. He tells me that Jane's problems are (list some of Jane's problems). And I was telling Jane your problem. She thinks you should..... (fill in some nonsense that Jane thinks Betty should do.)

Then do the same thing with Jane in reverse. 

Even give them each other's phone numbers so they can support each other... then watch the fir fly.


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

I had a huge reply typed up and it glitched out =/ I need to go right now, but I will be back! Hang in there!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Intheory is correct. Dunbar states that we can only form so many attachments. Most will be superficial like name, age, physical feature, and little else. We are only capable of forming a few intimate attachments. The more he spreads himself out, the weaker yours will become. We have only a set amount of receptor cells for attachments. Also, he is rolling a set of dice with your relationship on the line. He is creating intimate bonds with these other women, and they are probably fulfilling some emotional need he has for affirmation. The danger is one of these bonds overtaking yours. In all honesty, if you ask him if he loves any of these women, he will say no. But a MRI, will probably prove differently. The truth is, he does have some form of love for these women. So now, you are hoping it does not go beyond that, and your not sure if an emotional affair is starting to form. It is easy to slip into a relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

intheory said:


> The thing is; *human couples bond stronger with exclusive intimacy.* Whether that is the amount of time spent together, the amount and quality of sex, the sharing of hopes, dreams, ideas.
> 
> When you start spreading yourself too thin giving these intimacies to people other than your partner; you weaken your bond to each other.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> *Dunbar* states that we can only form so many attachments. Most will be superficial like name, age, physical feature, and little else. We are only capable of forming a few intimate attachments. The more he spreads himself out, the weaker yours will become. We have only a set amount of receptor cells for attachments. . . .


I looked this person up.


Robin Dunbar - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Very interesting.


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