# God I am just so frustrated



## Cowart69 (Jul 29, 2009)

I am a husband and father of two great kids....just turned 40 this last weekend.

- We have been having money troubles over the past couple of years....both me and my wife work but her pay because she works for tips has just been drastically cut over those years and we were outliving our means (not that we were lavish spenders to begin with)

- We had money in the bank due to a settlement I received from a car accident and from our income tax.....but over the course of this past year that money has just been sucked up into our bills....this and a combonation of lack of finances have just dwindled it away slowly but surely.

- A couple of months ago I started approaching my wife about the fact that it might be time to declare bankruptsy and get our finances back under control......she basically ignored me as much as I tried to talk to her. After a while I gave up trying and starting using our credit cards to make ends meet....now we have gotten to the point where they are maxed out as well.

- I go back to her again and say it is really time to see a BK lawyer. She says that she wont sign the papers unless we walk away from our house (our house has issues that we dont have the money to fix such as the septic tank has been getting ready to go out) I explain to her that it makes no sense to walk away from the house we would owe more on a different one (we got a decent deal on this house) and what would happen to our pets? Our kids are still in school? We would be better off going BK, keeping the house, then using what we were saving per month to fix the house we had. She wanted nothing to do with it and said she would refuse to sign.

- Fast forward to this morning. She texts me at work and asks why the Mortgage Co. is calling "well honey we are behind one month" she goes off.....threatening to walk out on me and angry that we had spent the money in the bank. Our debt issues are compounded by the fact that there are days when she just takes days off (with no pay) so she can do fun things with her friends. I have tried but to no avail to explain that it really hurts us when she does that.

I did everything I could to avoid getting to this point.....I tried to get a part time job but cant find work because I have to commute back and forth to my job. It is also compounded by the fact that I was diagnosed with diabetes this year and now I am sick a lot of the time.

To make matters even worse I dont know if it is the fact that I am really down on myself that I cant provide for my family right or because of my illness......and this is really embarrising for me to say but now I cant perform in the bedroom either. I try I really do but there is something wrong. I honestly dont feel like a man anymore with everything that is going on and I have been carrying the burden of this debt for so long it is starting to get really heavy.

Part of me wants to tell her that if she wants to run because times are tough then get the #uck out......then another part of me knows that I really do love her and my kids to death. It has been really hard to express it to her because when she likes to have fun she likes to drink and party (she isn't overblown in this area) while myself I force myself to stay away from alcohol because I dont want to lose control of what is already a very percarious situation. There are times I would like nothing more then to get drunk and try to get away from the hell my life has become. I have been trying so hard to keep my family together I almost feel like I get no help and that my wife is just along for the ride and is getting to get off because she dont like the ride anymore. 

I just dont know what to do....it is like a impossible situation. My wife actually takes not burden at all from this and is making it like it is my fault that all of this has happened.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Well as far as your diabetes, there are meds. I take them. 

Eat more sensibly and moderately. 

Sell anything that you don't need. 

For the ED, ask your doctor for some samples. They usually come in a 3 or 4 pack. See if those help. But not if you take nitrates. 

I filed for bankruptcy because my exwife burned down the house and hadn't made an insurance payment for a year! Yeah, my credit was bad, but it will get better. Just don't accept any more cards while you're in bankruptcy! 

Stop using the credit cards unless absolutely needed. Get rid of all but one (keep the lowest interest rate or the lowest balance). Get check cards instead - you can't spend what you don't have. 

My exwife had run up a lot of debt, too and I finally used my IRA to get out from under it. That's a whole nother thing, too.

Oh yeah, your wife needs to help more. She can't be partying or running around. It reminds me of the Titanic.


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## Cowart69 (Jul 29, 2009)

Thanks for the response.....

I take the meds....I think they might be what is causing some of the ED problem but I cant be sure because I am depressed a lot of the time as well...thats why I dont drink I dont want to make a bad situation worse.

I use my check card....it is just that there have been some months were we didn't have enough and then i would turn to the credit cards.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

You've got a lot going on, between the stress of your finances and your illness, the ed isn't all that surprising.

Your wife sounds like she is in denial of the situation. As if she just ignores it, put the responsibility all on you it will just happen and she won't have to sacrifice or change her lifestyle. Unfortunately, that's not reality. 

Is there anywhere you can cut back? Cable TV, internet, cell phones, gym memberships, eating out? 

I'm sorry that you both are going through a rough time.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Omg....are we all just drowning in financial woes? Times really are tough everywhere...not just here, huh?

Sorry Got fixated on the financial part. It is one of the number one reasons for divorce.....and whoa.....when are things gonna loosen up a bit?

So sorry for your problems. Your situation sounds so familiar....scraping to get from week to week. Takes two....and she has to be on board with working and cutting back.....that is a fact.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Money issues are common for many people, it comes from living beyond ones means.
I don't have these issues because I have always lived below my means. People get credit and they max it out. They want everything NOW !!!
It is tempting to live like that if you don't plan to live a long time but the bills do come and someone has to pay them.
My husband is not as tight fisted with money as I am.......
but I do try to watch it as there is no way I want any debt.
I see it as a downword spiral that takes decades to get out of. You should consider your spending habits and stop using credit. Try to live below your means. That way you will never sink into 
poverty and these issues. People don't like to hear that but thats the realities of it and debt is a big problem for many.

Because of my choices and refusing to get into debt,
I think I will even be able to survive Obama ! hahaha !
Hey, I even bought a new car with some of that money ( that the USA doesn't have) he's handing out !
He is a big spender for sure, glad I was able to get a peice of it.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Wonder what other free money Obama and the dems are going to come up with?
I'm going to file for a write off for the new air conditiong unit
per the energy bill on my taxes....
and got 4500 from the govt for a trade in on a car worth about 1,000.......maybe 1500 tops, so that was a great deal on my new car...

since
CD's are paying less than 1% now so I have to recoup some money. 
I pray the next thing is the dems start to cook the books like they did when Clinton was in office, so my investments in the stock market go waayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy up and I can sell for big profits.
My life will be a very happy one then, so thats what I'm waiting for, as Obama and the dems are handing over money to people who spend money, right now is a good time to spend some on upgrading the house and new vehicles.... and of course
summer clothing as fall clothing is coming in and there are super bargains with summer stock.
This is how I spend money, when there is a bargain in it for me. I can wait a long time for the right bargain as doesn't have to be a RIGHT NOW purchase. If more people did this, there would be far less personal debt.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Preso...just a polite request. Can we keep political stuff out of here, please? That'll derail a thread quicker than a poodle on a fresh-waxed floor. Thanks.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

DownButNotOut said:


> Preso...just a polite request. Can we keep political stuff out of here, please? That'll derail a thread quicker than a poodle on a fresh-waxed floor. Thanks.


debt and politcs go together.
I am saying, don't be like the government and get yourself further and further into debt.
It was an example of debt and who wins...


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Well, I am a fan of Suze Orman internationally acclaimed personal finance expert : The Suze Orman Show : Will & Trust Kit : FICO Kit : Insurance Kit : Women & Money Susie Ormand

If I had a spouse who lived beyond his/her means I'd get rid of the financial deadwood. 

In my world, you work if you can work, you don't spend more than you got, and unless you are in FULL time school you don't get handouts.

Taking off WORK to party with friends...and this is a MOTHER with children who are about to lose their home???

Yup, *she looks like deadwood to me*! I am sorry you have diabetes _and_ a wife who has air between her ears. Make a change, man...you will feel better, and SHE will learn what *real* life is. Some spouses don't handle "tough" well, seems like you have one of those that is showing her true colors.

*STOP* reading here if you don't want political input as below:

Preso, it's _We the People_ in debt, not "the govt". Last time I checked _We the People_ were a democracy, we _are_ the govt aren't we, woman? :scratchhead: 

I for one, am rather pissed they are mis-using the $45,000 in taxes me and DH paid in last year! Glad I don't live in CA where they let *illegal immigrants* go to COLLEGE at instate rates....no wonder CA is going broke. Look what happened in Massachusetts recently: they've been giving free health care to *illegals* and now they are having to cut it as the program is going broke.  Geniuses at work....


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Well, I am a fan of Suze Orman internationally acclaimed personal finance expert : The Suze Orman Show : Will & Trust Kit : FICO Kit : Insurance Kit : Women & Money Susie Ormand
> 
> ....



I used to like suzi orman very much.. ordered a bunch of her books and used to watch her show, until she said to buy QQQ
which I lost money on...
after that I stopped having so much faith in her words as she said it was an absolute winner. I ended up holding it for like 5 or 6 years and sold it at a small loss.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> Preso, it's _We the People_ in debt, not "the govt". Last time I checked _We the People_ were a democracy, we _are_ the govt aren't we, woman? :scratchhead:
> 
> ....


No Sandy, this girl is not in debt so we the people ( a generalality) is wrong, as I made sure not to get into debt.

So, no... we the people ( I am a people) are not in debt !

I am not fan of Obama or the dems but at least for the time they are going further into debt( headed to 3 trillion) on doing something for american citizens too and not just spending it all overseas helping all the other countries.
I took advantage of this program ( cash for cars) although I do not think the program is a good idea ( more debt for the govt)...

but I'm with you if my husband was some lazy spending slacker, I'd dump him. 
When I dated I met some like that and POOF they were out of my life !


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Cowart69 said:


> - We have been having money troubles over the past couple of years....both me and my wife work but her pay because she works for tips has just been drastically cut over those years and we were outliving our means (not that we were lavish spenders to begin with)
> 
> - We had money in the bank due to a settlement I received from a car accident and from our income tax.....but over the course of this past year that money has just been sucked up into our bills....
> 
> ...


what are you spending money on when you say all your bills? since your not spenders....... ?
It sounds like you bought more house than you could afford and yes I think it would be a good idea to live below your means in one you can easily afford, even if its not real purty.

If she refuses to move and your septic tank is out, you can set up a potty in the garage and she will have to tough it out until you can afford to fix the septic tank... if she is willing to make sacrifices, you maybe can keep the house but make sure she will...

it would be like camping out for awhile


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Preso, I am a fan, not a follower of SO, . Am sure she's made a killing off of books, wish I could write a book and sell millions of them!


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## Cowart69 (Jul 29, 2009)

The question about what the money goes on is a interesting one.....while my wife was in the process of telling me how she was going to leave me she asked the same thing? We make XXXX amount of dollars how can we possibly not be paying our bills.

- Our mortage isn't really that much compared to what other people are paying....we would easily pay this much if we were paying rent.

- Credit cards got WAY out of control and to be perfectly honest this is an area that is totally my fault. Christmas. My wife keeps telling me to stop spending mony on her and the kids for Christmas but for some reason I just had a really hard time doing that. This past Christmas was the first time in years where I spent very little on the cc's and it was really tough. I dont really buy anything for myself but I want everything for them.

- I am a former military and I was gettin my GI BILL money that got cut off at nearly the beginning of the year. My plan to compensate was to get a part time job and go into the guard to make up for the lost income, but that is when my diabetes was discovered and messed up both plans.

- At one time my wife was actually making more then I was....easily. Just for reference the tip job my wife has is a blackjack dealer for a local casino. And back when times were good they were really good.....hundreds of dollars a night to go along with my job (this is also the only job she knows how to do as she only has a HS education) well the last two years the tipping has gone down the tubes right along with the economy. There are nights where she would bring $5.00 home. When your budget s used to having a much larger amount and you are waiting for it to turn around but never does then you compound it with a partership where one person doesn't want to here about money problems and the need for change.....well that puts us where we are.

I was going over everything this morning. I pay my bills on the 1st of the month....when all the bills are paid (utilities, mortage, credit cards, heloc, etc) I have around $200 left from my check. The rest of the month we have to rely on what my wife makes. When she isn't making anything I end up having to compensate using money I dont have (i.e. borrow from credit cards)

What I was trying to do was get us out from underneath all of that debt except for the utilities, mortgage, and her car payment giving us breathing room.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

why don't you start by having a garage sale ? sell everything you don't need or use. Since you overspent buying things, your going to be able to sell them, that should help very much.
People are big into garage sales with the economy bad. I had one and made 800 dollars the first day ( I was decluttering)

If you end up having to move, thats just less stuff you have to move.


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