# Back Again



## tombaby (Oct 17, 2012)

It's been a year and a half and for a while things were good. We found each other again, were doing counseling and then we slipped back into old patterns.

On Valentine's Day I heard the I love you but am not in love with you. The day started out great, she got home from her conference (No not one of "those" things), and curled up on my lap. I even got unsolicited i miss you and i love you texts. I was down because she was tired and didn't want to do anything together. I blew up and told her that I'm not important to her, and our marriage is failing. She responded by saying similar things. I brought up the D word. She said that's what she wants. 

She feels nothing, is numb, lost, lonely and confused. She wants to want to be in love, but most days there is a void. She has generalized anxiety disorder, depression, and even thinks she's having a Quarter Life Crisis. I looked it up, they are real. I told her I'm willing to help her through all this. If she needs space, alone time, anything to help her find herself again, I will support her beause that's what I want to do.

Initially, she agreed to counseling and was still saying I love you. We went on a couple dates and had fun. She says that is the tombaby she wants all the time, but too much has happened. She just wants to feel happy. I told her we will get there, but just don't give up yet. We truly do have a wonderful life together. Less than two months ago she posted an unsolicited Thank You on her FB page saying how thankful she is to have a wonderful, loving husband who supports her through everything. 

We had a huge blow-up at Christmas; it got physical (Most definately not our norm). She was angry, trying to hurt me and i got fed up and swung my arm behind me to get her off me. I caught her good. I felt so horrible and just started balling. She cried to, but then came over to me and started wiping away my tears. She said "I'm not going anywhere. You're my husband! I'm your wife! We are going to fix this." We cried, and I thought things were going to get better. We kept talking about going back to counseling, but finding a time was rough because of her new job. She went to her mom's for a few days. I left her alone. She came home on her own and jumped into my lap saying "I'm so sorry I left. I can't picture my life without you in it."

Fast forward a month or two later and here we are. On the precipice of divorce again. The ILYBNILWY statement, and she's pulling further away because we are in the same house and I keep pestering her. I'm really trying not to. It sounds like she wants to do counseling, but if I don't leave her alone that option is going to go away.

In the few days after Vday, she was still saying ILY. She was still cuddly (although much less). She agreed to counseling and giving it until August (Our 5 year anniversary) to see if there were lasting changes. Then my emotions got the best of me. I kept talking and asking questions. Generally irriating her to where she feels like she needs to escape.

I know she doesn't know what she wants. I think she wants our forever, but is afraid to put in any more effort. She's cold and distant, but then I get glimpses. She came home the other night after a night out and just cried in my arms. Said that she doesn't know what's wrong with her. She wants to be happy. That our 3 year old can't even pull her out of the depression any more. I told her I'm here for whatever she needs. She then crawled into bed crying and said that she feels like Parker and I deserve someone better. 

Then just last night, she came home and was sad. Told me that she would have loved me forever. This was after I told her, I'll give you what you want. (I was down. Rock bottom. Thinking thoughts so bad that I brought my children to Grandma's. She was angry about that, but it was the right choice). Anyways, I talked to some friends and lifted myself up. Something broke in me. I was able to be ok with her going out and not dwelling on who, what, where (Not my norm either). When she got home I told her that I want her to be happy, so I'll let her go and give her what she wants. I won't force her to stay. She gave me this sad little look and choked out, "You don't want to go to counseling with me?" I told her that i didn't think one session would do anything. She looked at me sheepishly and said "One could lead to two..."

At the same time, when we are together, she'll talk about plans down the road. Do you want to go to my co-workers singing thing in April? We should eat here sometime. We should go camping. It's driving me crazy.

Tombaby


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Tombaby,

Very interesting that you came back to TAM after such a long hiatus.

What from your old thread and understanding is different today. Did you return because of the PM?

Has you wife seen other men during these long absences? If so, it seems that even OM don't make her happy.


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## tombaby (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm back because I'm in trouble again. Trying to talk here instead of to her. Things were good for a while, and then she started feeling depressed. She kept telling me that it wasn't me. She just overwhelmed with new job and being a wife and mom. She was getting real down on herself. Anxiety/Depression and all that.

No other men. She doesn't leave for long. Usually a week at the most. She goes to her moms, calms down and the comes home. I'm hoping I don't get an "open your eyes" comment. I truly do trust her. She knows what it feels like to be the other woman when dating a guy through a divorce. 

Recently, I'm starting to worry though. After the ILYBNILWY statement we talked about separation terms. She said she's at the point where if a guy wants to talk to her and she likes him, she'll give him her number. Talk about devastation. She said and has always said that she'd rather be honest about that.

I don't believe there is anyone at the moment, but I do know the attention from other guys in nice when you're 25 and feeling lonely, depressed and ugly. Plus she's beautiful, so she could get plenty of attention. She just wants to be by herself. It's a feeling she always fights. She gets these feelings of wanderlust.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

The thing about the idea of their being another person in the picture is it's always a possibility and something none of us can overlook. We tend to make excuses as to why they are being faithful because it's such a hard thing to imagine. I hope that's not the case with your marriage but you do need to think about that and look into it.

Try not to suffocate her with your questions or attention. Be confident in yourself and always remember that in the end, one way or the other, you will be alright. 

I hope for the best for you two. I will say too that if she's willing to try MC still there's always a chance things will improve. She must still care enough if she's put that our there. If you love her I'd take that opportunity and run with it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't understand why you would bring up divorce if that's not what you want? You can't unring that bell. Divorce should be brought up as a last ditch effort, not because you're mad she's too tired to go out. As you've found out there's always a chance your bluff is going to be called.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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