# Wife cheated 6 years ago and just found out??!!?



## James79 (Jul 22, 2012)

Hi forum, I dont usually use a forum for anything, but I have come home from work early today and am home alone and just lost!

Wife and I have been married 5 years, have 2 great kids and things have been perfect! My wife has been having issues with some friends of ours and they have been blaming her for this and that - nothing serious, but things that to anyone else she would stand up for herself and really 'let em have it'! But these so called friends she is letting them walk all over her. 

Well yesterday it came out. Wife and I had a terrific night out without the kids and a well earned sleep in. Next minute the wife is crying and she eventually tells me that she wont stand up to her friends because they are "blackmailing" her. Wife then proceeds to tell me that 6 years ago she kissed one of my friends a couple of times (I had the mongrel as a bloody groomsman too). These so called friends bullying her knew about this and are using it against her so she cant stand up for herself.

Wife went on to tell me that this OP back then was there when wife and I were having troubles. She swore on the kids lives it was never more than a kiss and it happened a couple of times. I'm 99% sure I believe her. 

I was a bad drinker back then and most times when I had a few I would go "searching" for an argument with the wife just because I was nasty! I will freely admit I "emotionally abused" her and am not proud of that. I have since then changed and am very proud of who I am today. We had our first child and he was about 6 months old when all this happened. I know if we didn't have our little man my wife and I would not be together now, as he is the reason we both worked extra hard to stay together.

The last 4 years all the hard work we have put into our marriage has really paid off, I love my wife to bits and I will do anything for her. She is the same towards me! We had what I would class as a perfect marriage!

Then this! I tried to tell her yesterday that I am fine with it, but the mind has been playing tricks on me all last night and this morning. Pictures of them kissing running through my head etc. This was 6 years ago - Should I be hurting like I am today?? Should I just forget about it and move on, or is this giving the wife either the "my husband doesn't care" or "I got a free pass" type scenario?

I don't know if asking for details of where they kissed, how they kissed, how long were the kisses, what was their hands doing bla bla bla.... Will getting answers to these help, or paint an even more vivid picture in my head! The OP is long gone, haven't seen or heard from him since the wedding to be honest. Guess this kind of makes sense now as to why he just went off the radar. 

I dont want to leave my wife because I love her so much and our kids deserve a solid family life, but what do I do?? Do I just give it time and things will get better? 

I suppose the other part that concerns me is the fact that if it wan't for these friends bullying her, my wife would never have told me! That hurts alot too!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Will you divorce your wife because she just " kissed another man " over six years ago?

I doubt it.

Would so called friends try to blackmail your wife just because she kissed another man over six years ago?

I doubt it.

Would you have come here if you were 99% sure it was " just a kiss " ?

Your mind is telling you something....
Time to talk to her friends and,
Find out the truth.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Dude, sorry to say this, but there is a lot going on that you don't know about. Nobody blackmails somebody over a kiss 6 years ago, that much is bullsh*t. It was undoubtedly more than just a kiss, and you need to find out what and how much there actually was.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I honestly don't think people would blackmail someone over a kiss. My bet is either it was a long term affair or there are other guys involved too.


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## James79 (Jul 22, 2012)

I agree, my heads telling me to look into this more. I feel this is due to my past 2 serious relationships - I WAS the unfaithful one. 

I actually work with these people who are holding this against her. It is just bickering and childish crap, my wife knows a lot of their secrets and one of them put a status on FB saying about skeletons in the closet. Now that my wife has told me she was more than happy for me to say something to these others letting them know that I know, or letting them break this to me only for me to say that "yeah I know". So based on that, and how transparent my wife has been with this whole thing I'd have to say that yeah, it was just a kiss. 

I came here basically wondering if what I am feeling now is normal. Am I normal for thinking of just forgiving and forgetting and moving on?


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## James79 (Jul 22, 2012)

I think "blackmail" was a bit of a strong wording, more threatening her that if she lets anything slip they would tell me about this. Thus making her just cop their crap. Obviously she doesn't have anything this serious on them, the whole argument is childish.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Compared to her kissing another man, what are they trying to hide. How bad is it, comparable?


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## James79 (Jul 22, 2012)

Well say friend "1" and "2" have an argument - they confide in my wife - Its more stuff like friend "1" tells my wife that friend "2" is ripping of the government for child support. Friend "2" tells wife friend "1" drank drove home the other night. 

It's petty crap like that, every time these friends fight they dump and backstab the other one to my wife. Now they realise my wife knows quite a bit about them and they have all had a falling out the other friends are concerned my wife will spill all. Its really hard to explain, but its not life and death stuff, nor is it going to cause world war 3, its just lots of petty crap. As I said, the wife, now she has told me, is more than happy for me to discuss this with these friends...... Shouldn't that show a sign of honesty there?

I think that its that my wife is USUALLY so honest and perfect that my friends do not have any dirt on her, besides this! The fact she has heaps of dirt on them and the whole friendships had a falling out - they are grasping at the one secret they have.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

:scratchhead: That must've been some kiss to be blackmail worthy after six years.


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## James79 (Jul 22, 2012)

Would people think I was mad for thinking it wouldn't really matter what it was that happened, and I just wanted to forgive? As i said earlier, I was certainly no angel, alcohol, drugs, violence (towards other males - not my wife) I was certainly an absolute pig. I kind of see it as something I deserved for my lifestyle back then. My wife and I had no real relationship back then, but we decided after a little split just before our marriage that we would give it 110% so we can never look back with "what ifs". We did work hard, and it has paid off, it is an entirely different relationship now. 

The other little nagging thing is the wife asked me if I would have cheated on her back then if opportunity arose, and I told her give me an hour to think. Looked through photo albulms etc to bring the memories back of myself, and I answered her honestly - Yes , I would have. She was not asking me to justify herself, just out of curiosity. She doesnt know I'm upset today, I have just let her believe all is fine today.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry you had to come here, friend.
Your wife has to come clean. Of course there's more. I feel you won't divorce her even it "worse" happened. Likely it happened, but she needs to come clean. Almost every wayward in the world will minimize thier involvement, invariably they trickle the truth. Damage control is in our genome. Try to make a safe enviroment for her to make clean (even if you have to fake or lie about it).
You can also do some snooping to find out some of the truth. Does your wife has facebook or comunicate by email with the so called friends? (Later will help you to make a rational decision about them if you keep reading and posting here. Not be in a rush and act impulsively). Get the paswords of her email/FB acounts..., put a keylogger anyway in the labtop/PC, get a hold to her phone texts. Now she fessed up sure enough they will talk (maybe she will start standing up for her self). They will be in fights/arguments about it. You need to be in the front row to learn how it develops nad get your info.
You might even try to trick some of the so called friends (posing as your wife). OK, abusive "friends" are bullying her, they are cowards but you can use them for a while at your adventage. If I were you or your wife I'd dump them ASAP, even with a little of cold revenge, but not before you get your info.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Cross posted with you. Now I have a clearer picture.


> now she has told me, is more than happy for me to discuss this with these friends...... Shouldn't that show a sign of honesty there?


I think so. It's unlikely hey have more onto your wife.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If it was me I would try to set up these so called friends, have your wife plant a VAR and go meet them for some drinks and record the convo.

What are these so called friend gaining by pushing your wife around? Are they making her do thing? Is it some kind of humilation game they are playing with her?

Any way no not sweep this under the rug, and face this head on. there are issues here and if not addressed now they will re appear year down the road.

You already have mindmovies of what happened, you need to face them and get the details of this "kiss" out in the open. The mind movies are tough but the fact of not knowing the details will not help you move on.

You have to get all of this on the table, learn from it and get the help that will affair proof the marriage.

I did not face my wifes 1st affair and she started up again, years later with a different guy.

There are consequences that need to be faced and buring your head in the sand will no solve a dam thing. Your chick needs to see how hurt you really are...again another consequences.

As painful as it is open this can of worm up, and yes it will be painful for your wife also, to relive this shameful behavior....again another consequences.

The both are screwing around with your marriage by not facing this head on and learning from it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So the "friends" can dump there problems and talk about each knowing your wife can't tell. Thats some lame crap.

The big issue is affair proofing the marriage and get the help to understand why your wife has boundry issues or the lack of.

Screw this lame crap about the "blackmail" you have bigger fish to fry in getting your wife the help she needs in prevent kissing other men from happening again.

See my friend that is the bigger issue here.

Get it? I'm talking preventive maintence in your marriage.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

It is perfectly OK for you to want to forgive your wife, but you may want to consider knowing a little more about what exactly you're forgiving about.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The questions you should be asking your wife are:

"Why would these friends think that you kissing a few times would be enough to break up our marriage?"

"If I tell your friends that you came clean to me about kissing other man a few times six years ago, and I ask them how they could even think I would be that upset about a few little kisses all those years ago, what will they say? Will they tell me it was more than just a few kisses?"


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## James79 (Jul 22, 2012)

Thank you so much to you all, you are amazing people to be helping out a total stranger who is feeling low. 

The wife and I have always had a "free for all" relationship regarding facebook, emails, phones etc. She doesn't delete anything and I always use her FB for games etc as I do not have one. She never EVER hides her phone, if she gets a message and I'm near it she will tell me to check it for her, so being deceptive is not a problem!


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## James79 (Jul 22, 2012)

It's kind of ironic, but if I was to list a million people who would cheat, my wife wouldn't come close to making the list, and if we were to tell any of her or my family or friends it would be total disbelief. She is such an amazing person, wife and mother. It took me a long time to see this and appreciate it, maybe a little too long.


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## James79 (Jul 22, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> The questions you should be asking your wife are:
> 
> "If I tell your friends that you came clean to me about kissing other man a few times six years ago, and I ask them how they could even think I would be that upset about a few little kisses all those years ago, what will they say? Will they tell me it was more than just a few kisses?"


This is pretty much EXACTLY what I put to her, trying to bluff her into more info - and she said that it would be fine, she said it would be kind of funny to see their reactions.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

James79 said:


> The other little nagging thing is the wife asked me if I would have cheated on her back then if opportunity arose, and I told her give me an hour to think. Looked through photo albulms etc to bring the memories back of myself, and I answered her honestly - Yes , I would have. She was not asking me to justify herself, just out of curiosity. She doesnt know I'm upset today, I have just let her believe all is fine today.


This conversation sounds like she is working up the courage to tell you more. I think she is trickle truthing you. The kiss may actually be a BJ.

As to forgiving her, she is your wife. You ultimately do what is best for your family.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*Wife then proceeds to tell me that 6 years ago she kissed one of my friends a couple of times (I had the mongrel as a bloody groomsman too). *

Your wife let you get married in front of these people who knew she "kissed" other man. These "friends" don't seem very tight-lipped, so I would assume others knew also - family members of these "friends," boyfriends/husbands of these friends, other close friends of theirs. And your wife let you have this other man in the wedding party knowing this.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

James79 said:


> It's kind of ironic, but if I was to list a million people who would cheat, my wife wouldn't come close to making the list, and if we were to tell any of her or my family or friends it would be total disbelief. She is such an amazing person, wife and mother. It took me a long time to see this and appreciate it, maybe a little too long.


James, have a look at some other threads in this section. Just about all of them start with "I would have never thought my spouse would do this to me" or something along those lines. Don't let your love/trust for her blind you from seeking the truth whether its something you can forgive or not.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

James79 said:


> The last 4 years all the hard work we have put into our marriage has really paid off, I love my wife to bits and I will do anything for her. She is the same towards me! We had what I would class as a perfect marriage!
> .
> .
> .
> I dont want to leave my wife because I love her so much and our kids deserve a solid family life, but what do I do?? Do I just give it time and things will get better?


Well you really did not have the perfect marriage because she was hiding a very big secret. Big enough she was able to be blackmailed over it.

I am pro marriage and pro family, and I also am in favor of taking it slow in making any decisions in your kind of situation. It appears to be something far in the past, so there is no rush.

This "kiss" is obviously bothering you. I think you should see a good marriage therapist who is experienced in dealing with infidelity. You were a drinker and you did crappy things in the past, but that does not erase the fact that she kissed another man. It was still a dis-loyalty to you, to your marriage, and to your family. I don't think you need to flog her over only a kiss, but you do need to process it emotionally. The good news is that you currently have a good marriage and you both have every reason to work productively to get over this. And it is a good opportunity for you both to deal with any left over issues with your behavior towards her in the past.

The other option is for you both to declare everything back then as forgotten and forgiven. If you do this, you have to genuinely accept that the worst case may have happened and that you are able to leave it all in the past.

The one thing you should not do is just ignore it. I think you both need to discuss it and discuss how you both feel about everything involved.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

James, forgiveness has nothing to do with finding out the truth. You can forgive if you want, but you will never, in a million years forget, unless you know ALL that occured. Do you want your marriage to be filled with doubt and suspicion, or do you want a marriage free from dirty, little secrets? It's up to you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Kissing year ago, even before you got married is not grounds for blackmail.

Dig deeper an you'll find it wasn't just kissing, since no one past 8th grade does just kissing, and that likely went on for a while.

She's just feeling you out with soft stuff to see how you'll react when you find the truth.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Time to change friends and jobs, I think!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Guys, since the foundation of the universe, I'm sure there must have been a case where the wife confessed to a "kiss" and it was really just a kiss. Maybe this is the one and only. But you've got to play the odds and that means the OP needs to grill the "friends" and the wife. Read up on body language of liars first, though. google it.


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## James79 (Jul 22, 2012)

I am actually pretty good at picking her body language, and she does seem genuine regarding the fact of it just being a kiss. I just have massive doubts and I'm wondering if that's from thinking about it over and over in my head. I spoke with Wife earlier and explained that I'm having so much trouble with wether or not it was just a kiss - I told her that I'd probably prefer it to have been all the way and leave nothing to the imagination! She still stood fast though claiming if more happened she would tell me without a doubt as she wants this to all be over and done with. 

I discussed also how the truth always finds a way of getting out no matter how much time it takes, and also let her know that if I find out more happened in a month, a year or 10 years that there will be no doubt that I will leave. Not because of the cheating, as that was many years ago, but because of the lies when our marriage is in a good spot.

With everything I have thrown at her and the chances to fess up she still seems quite legitimate that it was "just a kiss". She is at work ATM so maybe another chat later may help. 

The only worry I do carry is what if it was just a kiss, and I'm pushing her so hard basically calling her a liar over and over that she ends up cracking the Sh*** with me and this makes everything worse?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Tell her the same. Give her some time to mull over and ask again


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

If I were you, I wouldn't bring it up again, until after you have investigated. There is no sense in creating any more drama, because she WILL stick to her story, unless confronted by further evidence. But, you NEED to learn ALL you can.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

Wait, this happened before you got married, right? 

I do not understand what the status of your relationship was when this "kiss" happened.

It does not seem to be worth getting worked up about to me.


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## James79 (Jul 22, 2012)

We were engaged with 1 child, but in a very rocky time. I dont think its the kiss thats getting me upset.... Its the dishonesty for 6 years. Its just the whole punch in the guts when things seemed so right! 

I'm furious at the whole scenario for putting doubt in my mind about our marriage, I really hate that! 

I just want to be smacked around as much as possible right now with any truths she has about the scenario because I do not want to move on until its back to a 100% honest relationship. Thats really only going to happen if A: She tells me it did go further, or B: I somehow work out how to accept this is the truth with no doubt in my mind. Anyone got a Lie detector? lol

Thanks again for everyones input, its actually helping to process things in my mind.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

A polygraph may not be a bad idea. You may get more info (if there is more) by just suggesting the polygraph. 

You both also need to rid your lives of these so called friends. People who bring drama into your lives are not healthy for you or your wife to be around. Even the petty stuff. It's a drag on your emotional energy. 

And from past experience, with a blackmailer (who was a member of my extended family), he would encourage me to do things that would get me in trouble. And then he would threaten to tell if I didn't tow the line with him. Then I would finally confess to my parents. And the cycle would repeat. This was during my adolescence but he was older. It took me awhile to realize it was a big bluff. He lost his power when I would confess to my parents. But then would he would weedle his back into being my friend. He would convince me to do something stupid (but that would get me in trouble if my parents knew). And then he would hold it over my head. Getting me to do stuff for him. Give him things. Everything he had on me was petty stuff too. Just stuff I didn't want my parents to know. I finally had to kick him out of my life. He doesn't exist to me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You are making to much of this and you are going to ruin a great marriage.

There is no way to know since the "friends" are being so petty, there is no doubt they would lie for their own various reasons.

Like you said, the two of you weren't married and weren't really together at the time anyway. You also said you would have poked someone else at the time if you had the chance. That doesn't mean she did.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You have a great circle of friends... 
Anyway just grab one of those "friends" and put the burner on him/her. Squeeze for all the info you can. Preferably without the knowledge of your wife.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Wanting a Strong Marriage said:


> A polygraph may not be a bad idea. You may get more info (if there is more) by just suggesting the polygraph.
> 
> You both also need to rid your lives of these so called friends. People who bring drama into your lives are not healthy for you or your wife to be around. Even the petty stuff. It's a drag on your emotional energy.
> 
> And from past experience, with a blackmailer (who was a member of my extended family), *he would encourage me to do things that would get me in trouble.* And then he would threaten to tell if I didn't tow the line with him. Then I would finally confess to my parents. And the cycle would repeat. This was during my adolescence but he was older. It took me awhile to realize it was a big bluff. He lost his power when I would confess to my parents. But then would he would weedle his back into being my friend. He would convince me to do something stupid (but that would get me in trouble if my parents knew). And then he would hold it over my head. Getting me to do stuff for him. Give him things. Everything he had on me was petty stuff too. Just stuff I didn't want my parents to know. I finally had to kick him out of my life. He doesn't exist to me.


from time to time, I do wonder if someone is setting me up for something.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Badblood said:


> If I were you, I wouldn't bring it up again, until after you have investigated. There is no sense in creating any more drama, because she WILL stick to her story, unless confronted by further evidence. But, you NEED to learn ALL you can.


:iagree:

I had the same discussion with my wife, that I want to know the whole truth. We can try to work through anything, but if I find out about _anything_ from any other source it will be an instant deal breaker for me.

She stood firm and said there is nothing else out there.

Do I believe it? No. Do I have any solid proof? No.

Time is your ally here. Either something will surface or you will learn to believe her. I like the idea of the polygraph in your situation. It is a tough thing to do, to ask her to take it. But I think there is validity in the position that you are just unable to get your brain around the idea of her being blackmailed over a kiss, so the polygraph would be the way for you to gain confidence. If she is in the mode of genuinely saying she wants to do whatever it takes to get things straightened out with you, the polygraph might be the right answer.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> *Wife then proceeds to tell me that 6 years ago she kissed one of my friends a couple of times (I had the mongrel as a bloody groomsman too). *
> 
> Your wife let you get married in front of these people who knew she "kissed" other man. These "friends" don't seem very tight-lipped, so I would assume others knew also - family members of these "friends," boyfriends/husbands of these friends, other close friends of theirs. And your wife let you have this other man in the wedding party knowing this.


The OM and WW betrayed you and then your WW and him kept quiet and let him be in the wedding party how sick. You need to ask your WW why did she allow this betrayal to be part of your wedding.

As said before when a WW starts to spill a little truth it's known as trickle truthing. Your WW fears more truth may come out so she tells you a little of what happened to prevent you from digging for more info. Then if one of the "friends" comes forth with did you know what WW and OM did will result in you saying yes I know WW told me all about it. Then the friend then lets it go with out spilling any more info.

Edit to add this is why you must get a polygraph test done.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Blackmailing for a kiss happened six yrs ago, that too when you are not even married. REALLY?

Talk to her friends, let them say what they know.

Bringing the person with who she cheated as best man is...........

A polygraph in a line.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

chapparal said:


> You are making to much of this and you are going to ruin a great marriage.
> 
> There is no way to know since the "friends" are being so petty, there is no doubt they would lie for their own various reasons.
> 
> Like you said, the two of you weren't married and weren't really together at the time anyway. You also said you would have poked someone else at the time if you had the chance. That doesn't mean she did.


Engaged isn't really together?

A relationship doesn't start with marriage.


Plus, there's the whole "didn't bother to mention this fact for six years" thing.

That is a big deal, IMO.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

James,

Do not let your mind start playing tricks on you.

There is something to be said if your marriage is in a great place at this time in your life.

And the fact that you admitted that you were in a very dark place at that time in your relationship also means your fiance (wife now) was in that dark place with you.

There are times when you have to trust her. I think this is one of them.

I do not think there is anything wrong with stressing to her that she should not have held this secret for so many years. Maybe she felt it happened and it was better left alone but your "toxic" certainly used this to their advantage.

So make sure your wife understands this and you want no secrets in your relationship.

Then terminate those friends because they suck! Period.

It sounds like you guys have a great marriage and you did a lot of work on yourself. Do not forget that because a great marriage takes work everyday. 

I think you handled the situation the best you could now make sure your wife feels secure in your relationship and that she can always tell you anything.....

HM64


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

James79 said:


> *Its the dishonesty for 6 years.* Its just the whole punch in the guts when things seemed so right!
> 
> I'm furious at the whole scenario for putting doubt in my mind about our marriage, I really hate that!


*The bolded part. Right there. It is about the dishonesty and deception. THAT...THAT is what is giving you these mind movies. It's because she held this secret for so long that your mind is racing wondering if there are other things that may have happened. Things to cause your "friends" to blackmail her. Let her know that she must come clean with this. Being honest today may hurt, but a lie will last much, much longer.*



Unsure in Seattle said:


> Plus, there's the whole "didn't bother to mention this fact for six years" thing.
> 
> That is a big deal, IMO.


Exactly.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Given the timeframe, "no real relationship back then", the OM disappeared, and your wife's behavior, you may want to get a paternity test done on your first child. If for nothing else, do it for your peace of mind.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

It doesn't matter whether you were engaged or just in a relationship.
You were still together so she went behind your back and betrayed you. That's still cheating.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

If there was no real relationship (as you wrote in post #10) between your wife and you 6 years ago when she kissed someone else, I dont understand why it's a big deal, why the kisses would be considered deception?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

aug said:


> If there was no real relationship (as you wrote in post #10) between your wife and you 6 years ago when she kissed someone else, I dont understand why it's a big deal, why the kisses would be considered deception?


It depends if they were exclusively dating each other or not.
If I was exclusively dating someone and they were doing the same with me, I'd consider it a cheating if I found out they kissed someone else behind my back - because to me, kissing someone else means to cheat.


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## James79 (Jul 22, 2012)

Well..... big night of talking with wife. I told her the importance of the truth right now. Explaining that betrayal 6 years ago is not as bad to me as lying right now. 

BOOM!!!!
the truth comes out. Kissed 2 times, slept with him once, lasted a week etc. Got all the details I asked for
Got dates and location etc. I've never seen someone so upset yet look like a gigantic weight just got lifted.

Now the mind movies are going crazy, nightmares all night last night but I feel somehow better? Why? Is it because I believe her now?

We were in a relationship back then it just wasn't fantastic like now. 

Now where do we go. Wife is happy to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I don't care about those friends at the moment as I have bigger worries. They only knew wife kissed this person too so wouldn't have got anywhere talking with them.

I have hit her up for any other truths because I want a lie free marriage and I believe her when she says no. I never really beloved it was just a kiss, I think I just wanted to. 

I think we can work through this I'm just not sure how. I want the mind movies to stop! I want this dealt with and gone. I don't want to throw this back into my wife's face every fight we have

I love her. She's finally told the truth and I think she deserves a 2nd chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Well, it sounds like you've already made your decision. Very best of luck-


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

James79 said:


> Well..... big night of talking with wife. I told her the importance of the truth right now. Explaining that betrayal 6 years ago is not as bad to me as lying right now.
> 
> BOOM!!!!
> the truth comes out. Kissed 2 times, slept with him once, lasted a week etc. Got all the details I asked for
> ...


You were not married when this happened and from your previous posts you were both acting like selfish, wild teenagers at the time. So the bottom line is that you and your wife have been 100% faithful to each other since you were married.

Then decided to get married and give it 100% commitment and it seems to have worked. I think you can build a stronger marriage than you have now, since the anxiety of this secret has been lifted.

Good luck.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

James79 said:


> Well..... big night of talking with wife. I told her the importance of the truth right now. Explaining that betrayal 6 years ago is not as bad to me as lying right now.
> 
> BOOM!!!!
> the truth comes out. Kissed 2 times, slept with him once, lasted a week etc. Got all the details I asked for
> ...


If she deserves another chance or not is up to you ultimately be careful deciding too soon. No offense but if you let it go this easily you are sending the wrong message. It is ok to cheat on you and have OM participate in the weddi g as long as she's lies to you. 

I doubt you have the full truth now but you want to elieve the trickle truth you are getting. Being blackmailed for this long hmm. Perhaps you should DNA test the kids or tell her that's the plan along with a polygraph. You want to forgive. Find out what you are forgiving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Don't be so quick to jump into forgiving her. The trickle truth ride just began. Yesterday it was only a kiss, today its sex.....

Im still thinking its either still going on or it was more recent.


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## James79 (Jul 22, 2012)

No DNA tests are necessary. Kids are mine its that simple. And yes, I do believe her. This is not ongoing still or recent as this OM is not around. I have not told her what I want to do. I have however told her I'm on a forum seeking advice and talking about it and she thought that's a good idea. She does worry that everyone would be telling me to leave her though. So confused right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You believed her yesterday as well?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

James79 said:


> I have however told her I'm on a forum seeking advice and talking about it and she thought that's a good idea. She does worry that everyone would be telling me to leave her though. So confused right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Confused. I think not 

Sorry my friend but your ride in this has only just left the platform and I have a feeling it will not end up at your desired destination

Actually one short cut is possible here. I'd get her to look at this site and with her by your side go through any random 25 trickle truth stories. See her face when she's spent a couple of hours knowing her lies will eventually still get found out - if not this month then next 

Still, best of luck with it


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

From a kiss to two kisses and sex. They had sex more than just once, and probably had sex since you've been married. I know you want to believe her but she lied for six years. You need to keep pressing for the truth. Ask her to take a polygraph test. Or you could use a little deception yourself and told her you talked to OM and then ask her if she would like to change her story at all?

I know what I'm saying seems mean but she's only telling you what she thinks you can handle right now, it's not the full truth.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You made a mistake yesterday, you are making the same mistake today. Jumping to conclusions and decisions quickly. Remember, she was willing to take the polygraph.

Just take a few weeks to think and see where your mind is and make the decision. Until then, tell her the marriage is on probation. If you reconcile, you need to do it properly. Right now, you are not in the right state of mind.


And not to be a bummer, she only confessed what was threatened to be exposed. While it is unlikely, make sure that there are no other men involved in the situation. Don't ask her. Use your own means to see if you can come up with any proof. And for the next few months, trust but verify.


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## James79 (Jul 22, 2012)

The OM is not around anymore, he found a GF just before the wedding and they have moved on and last I heard live together happily. I am a bit of an IT guru, so trust me when I say she would not be able to hide phone calls, messages, emails, Facebook etc, I would have found it. 

This is definitely not happening now. 

When my wife and I met we hit it off great, she fell pregnant within 3 months, got engaged and 9 months later our boy was born. THAT was where things went pear shaped for me. I wasn't ready to be a father, I started drinking, taking amphetamines and generally stuffing up. We had issues with her ex still contacting her and she told me the way I was acting she wasn't sure if we were as meant to be as we thought. We continued on for a few months basically living together but hating each other. This is when it happened.

It came to the crunch where she wanted to decide wether I was the right person for her, and we decided to take a break. It only lasted a week until we thought for our boy we will dive into this relationship head first. We worked hard, but not hard enough leading up to the wedding. Wife told the OM when I ask him to be in wedding he is to say no, but he didn't. 

We got married and still had a mediocre relationship for a few months then I really got myself sorted. All of a sudden things went from mediocre to truly wonderful. Over the next few years we worked more and more on things and so many people used to tell us they are jealous of our marriage, jealous of the way my wife looks at me and of the way I look at her. She has pushed hard for a 2nd wedding as the couple we are now is nothing like the couple we were back then. Its honestly like 2 different relationships. 

We decided to have another child and we got a beautiful girl. There were massive complications on the operating table and my wife nearly died. This was yet another wake up call for us to live our lives together to the fullest. That was coming up on 2 years ago and things have been perfect! How do I know she isn't wayward now, because we don't really spend any time apart. We are married but also best friends and we also work together! Not much time for an affair there.

I know alot of you are saying trickle truth etc, and you may be right, but I'm wondering now if the details of things back then really make a difference to what we have right now? 

Is it really worth me digging and pushing and put a happy marriage in jeopardy for something that was 6 years ago in a dark time?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Is it really worth me digging and pushing and put a happy marriage in jeopardy for something that was 6 years ago in a dark time?


Depends on what you want, but what about when things aren't so fantastic between you two in the future? You will need to act preemptively to protect the marriage from similar dangers in the future


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> Engaged isn't really together?
> 
> A relationship doesn't start with marriage.
> 
> ...


Well there is this. I may not be clear on the timeline.

*As i said earlier, I was certainly no angel, alcohol, drugs, violence (towards other males - not my wife) I was certainly an absolute pig. I kind of see it as something I deserved for my lifestyle back then. My wife and I had no real relationship back then, but we decided after a little split just before our marriage that we would give it 110% so we can never look back with "what ifs". We did work hard, and it has paid off, it is an entirely different relationship now. 
*


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

no right or wrong answer. it's what you can live with. good luck


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

keko said:


> Don't be so quick to jump into forgiving her. The trickle truth ride just began. Yesterday it was only a kiss, today its sex.....
> 
> Im still thinking its either still going on or it was more recent.


Seriously? You base that on what?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Seriously? You base that on what?


Go back and read post #1/#47.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

James79 said:


> The OM is not around anymore, he found a GF just before the wedding and they have moved on and last I heard live together happily. I am a bit of an IT guru, so trust me when I say she would not be able to hide phone calls, messages, emails, Facebook etc, I would have found it.
> 
> This is definitely not happening now.
> 
> ...


No


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*I am actually pretty good at picking her body language, and she does seem genuine regarding the fact of it just being a kiss. I just have massive doubts and I'm wondering if that's from 

She still stood fast though claiming if more happened she would tell me without a doubt as she wants this to all be over and done with.* 

*I have hit her up for any other truths because I want a lie free marriage and I believe her when she says no. I never really beloved it was just a kiss, I think I just wanted to. 

I love her. She's finally told the truth and I think she deserves a 2nd chance.*

James, why do you think you have the truth now? Throughout this whole thread, you have spoken in such glowing terms about your wife, I am shocked that she has as many enemies as she does, or that she has any enemies at all. The way you tell it, the Museum of Honesty must be getting ready to erect a statue to her outside its doors. 

Your wife doesn't look as honest and good to us as she does to you. That is understandable. You may say we are all bitter and suspicious for having been cheated on, which colors our view, but you must admit to yourself that you've been looking at your wife through rose-colored glasses, too.

The truth might not be all that important to you and, given your situation, I truly understand if it isn't. If I were in your situation, I'm not sure the truth would be all that important to me, either. 

But I don't think you should delude yourself that you have the full truth. You probably don't. And you have been a little deluded about the truth throughout the entire thread here.

1. Don't be too sure that your wife's friends are only aware of the "kiss." They probably know what happened in full detail. Which is probably more than your wife has revealed to you. Do you think your groomsman, Mr. Scumbag Other Man, didn't brag about banging your wife to others in the wedding party or others in general?

2. Kissed him twice, slept with him once? Maybe. Maybe not. How would you know? You can't tell when she's lying or not. Polygraph is not 100% accurate, but probably your best shot if the truth matters to you.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

James79 said:


> I know alot of you are saying trickle truth etc, and you may be right, but I'm wondering now if the details of things back then really make a difference to what we have right now?


As others have said, that is totally up to you and what you need. Trickle truth is just another way to say defense mechanism, IMO. It's something the WS does to "save" the BS. While they might have good intention, if it TRULY means something to you to know the _whole_ truth, then yes...trickle truth is bad. However, if you feel that she admitted enough and you can deal with just that - then fine. Work on your marriage and go forth.

But. And I'm gonna say this once: You didn't physically harm your wife. Yeah, you were f'd up on uppers and booze. That still does NOT warrant your wife having an affair...even if it was before you were married. Please, do not blame yourself for her actions. It was her decision to do this. Not yours. 

I hope the best for whatever you decide.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

"When my wife and I met we hit it off great, she fell pregnant within 3 months, got engaged and 9 months later our boy was born."

That 

"It came to the crunch where she wanted to decide wether I was the right person for her, and we decided to take a break. It only lasted a week until we thought for our boy we will dive into this relationship head first. We worked hard, but not hard enough leading up to the wedding."

Along with this makes me fear WW had been cheating with OM for much more then see has said. And that your first child may be the OM's. 

Wife told the OM when I ask him to be in wedding he is to say no, but he didn't.

If you believe this I have to ask if you want to buy a bridge. 

"We got married and still had a mediocre relationship for a few months then I really got myself sorted."

That's because the affair was still going on. WW attentions were focused on OM. OM laying a line of bull manure on WW to get her to keep putting out but WW eventually gave up chasing OM because he would not marry her. He wanted free milk but felt her not worth the price to buy her dairy farm.

Your WW was knocked up with a lover that would not step up so she had to settle on you.

"I know alot of you are saying trickle truth etc, and you may be right, but I'm wondering now if the details of things back then really make a difference to what we have right now?"

How would you feel if what I said was true?

Unfortunately I have seen this trickle truth story play out this way all every time.

"Is it really worth me digging and pushing and put a happy marriage in jeopardy for something that was 6 years ago in a dark time?"

Worth?

You were the one that came here saying you needed the truth.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

James79 said:


> I know alot of you are saying trickle truth etc, and you may be right, but I'm wondering now if the details of things back then really make a difference to what we have right now?


Good question.What do you think when you're the one with the mind movies? Will your fantasy be working overtime?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

James79 said:


> The OM is not around anymore, he found a GF just before the wedding and they have moved on and last I heard live together happily....


 Who did you hear that from? a friend of hers ?



James79 said:


> This is definitely not happening now.


 okay



James79 said:


> When my wife and I met we hit it off great, she fell pregnant..... taking amphetamines and generally stuffing up. *We had issues with her ex still contacting her* and she told me the way I was acting she wasn't sure if we were as meant to be as we thought. We continued on for a few months basically living together but hating each other. This is when it happened.


So an ex was contacting her. Did she respond? - Yes. Did she contact him? - Yes. You are already (even in retrospect) getting a picture here of your wife's mentality. How ex was he? Was he still around when you started with her? 



James79 said:


> It came to the crunch where she wanted to decide wether I was the right person for her, and we decided to take a break. It only lasted a week until we thought for our boy we will dive into this relationship head first. We worked hard, but not hard enough leading up to the wedding. Wife told the OM when I ask him to be in wedding he is to say no, but he didn't.


So you went into the marriage _*for your boy not because you loved each other beyond anything else*_ and she had sex with your mate. You put the responsibility of excluding a man from your wedding who has shown interest on your wife. On the basis that she was involved with him and wanted to it to continue she made sure he came to it! 



James79 said:


> I know alot of you are saying trickle truth etc, and you may be right, but I'm wondering now if the details of things back then really make a difference to what we have right now?


If you read through this site about trickle truth you'll find out to your disappointment we are 100% right. Sorry



James79 said:


> Is it really worth me digging and pushing and put a happy marriage in jeopardy for something that was 6 years ago in a dark time?


For me yes - If you want an honest relationship to move forward with no 'deceit' history then I'd push her as far as is needed and if she in any way does not accept that then you have an answer right there.

I hope you keep us informed how this goes


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Would it matter if there are few other guys?

Not to be a bummer, but she only confessed what was threatened to be exposed. While it is unlikely, make sure that there are no other men involved in the situation. Don't ask her. Use your own means to see if you can come up with any proof. And for the next few months, trust but verify.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Originally Posted by James79 
"When my wife and I met we hit it off great, she fell pregnant"

Was this when her ex was still trying to contact her? You say you're 100% certain that the child is yours. How do you know? I'm sorry but I think the betrayal runs far deeper than you want to think about. If you want you can sweep this under the rug and live a happy life without the truth. Maybe. But if you really start digging into this you will most likely find the truth horrific. I wish you luck on whatever you decide. I know what my decision would be... truth.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Yeah a paternity test is necessary. Hopefully the OM is not the father. Still it is always best to have the truth rather than live with the questions.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

One word: Polygraph.

It's the only way to be sure you're getting the truth.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

sandc said:


> Originally Posted by James79
> "When my wife and I met we hit it off great, she fell pregnant"
> 
> Was this when her ex was still trying to contact her? You say you're 100% certain that the child is yours. How do you know? I'm sorry but I think the betrayal runs far deeper than you want to think about. If you want you can sweep this under the rug and live a happy life without the truth. Maybe. But if you really start digging into this you will most likely find the truth horrific. I wish you luck on whatever you decide. I know what my decision would be... truth.



OP the decision to R or D is up to you. The choice is not easy and differs for everyone/situation.

However, if it was me, I'd want all the cards on the table. It seems that you want to believe the latest story you were told, but if there has not been any additional cheating on her part, I'd say that SanDC has hit a big point. Her OM was in the picture before you married, the paternity of your oldest is based on what... she said he's yours?? Not an insult, a question to consider.

A polygraph, or *the threat of one* may get you more answers, but you may have more unpleasant news ahead. Up to you if you want to keep digging, depends how important all the answers are to you. 

Also, a paternity test, or the threat of one may also yield more information. 

I think a spouse owes the truth, but my XWW would certainly disagree

Good luck
WD


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

James79 said:


> I know alot of you are saying trickle truth etc, and you may be right, *but I'm wondering now if the details of things back then really make a difference to what we have right now? *
> *Is it really worth me digging and pushing and put a happy marriage in jeopardy for something that was 6 years ago in a dark time*?


 Yeah, this may have happened 6 years ago for her, but this is brand new to you. no different if she did it last night and told you in the morning. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to be angry. This is an ultimate betrayal and for you to react to it is normal even if it did happen six years ago.

As far as the details are concerned. Some people want them and some people don't. You've already mentioned having mind movies. Well, that's your brain trying to "fill in the gaps" so you can try to make sense of this. Sometimes people need full disclosure in order to fill the gaps and stop the mind movies.

Trickle truth is the worst. Because, when you finally think you have it all; something new comes to light and your back to square one. All that work you put towards recovery is all shattered and you have to start again. It's like D Day all over again. 

Look, you said that you were an ass of a husband back then. Okay, you admit that you can be blamed for 50% of the problems in your relationship back then and she can own up for the other 50%. But, her cheating was 100% on her. She made a choice to cheat. I'm sure you did ask for it, it was her choice. 

And remember this, cheaters will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it truely is. Now, I don't know if she told you everything. But, keep that statement in mind.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Had a thought that her friends may not be "blackmailing" as such, but could be they had no respect for her because they know she has been cheating on you. So, they treat her like sh!t?


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## richard931 (Aug 26, 2012)

sounds like you love your family this is the most important thing.if it were only a couple of kisses please let it go.sounds like your wife is truly sorry.check into it farther but if kisses were all forget it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

First, op hasn't been back in a couple months. Second, it wasn't just kisses. She admitted it was sex. She is trickle thru thing him.


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