# I just don't know



## Tjense01 (Dec 24, 2008)

How can I love someone that falls in love with another male, someone she talks to online for over 6 years as a friend and then goes off to see him for the first time and sleeps with him. 
Coming home after her vacation and ignoring me, and treating me like I am just there to be the money maker and not a husband, 
Then when I say something, I find out I been making her feel unhappy for a long time. 
I love my wife, and still, i am always going to be hurt inside. 
I asked her about the affair and she said she feels guilty and yet she doesn't. 

We were unemployed throughout our first year of marriage, money was hard to come by, and I found a great job that made it so I can afford and nice place for the both of us, I was more worried about the job then my wife, I see where I failed on this relationship, and I want to fix it, but she keeps telling me its most likely to late, and I just don't see it. 
Her friend called her up yesterday and said, leave him or I will leave you forever, and she said she couldnt do that to me, and asked him for a week and he left her, which I think he did. 
I cannot trust my wife like I did anymore.

I hate having visions of her affair everytime I close my eyes. it makes it hard for me to sleep, and i cannot eat food like I did.

I got a appointment with a marriage consuler, and hoping they can show the way for us. 

I want to change to be what my wife wants, I can see what she says about me, and I want to change it just so she would leave me, but I am always afraid that even if I become that person, she will leave anyways cause someone says hello, you are a nice person.


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## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

Don't take all the blame for this. Your wife betrayed you. You both have to want it to repair this. You are on the right track with counseling. I wish you the best. I know you must be hurting so much.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

"she said she feels guilty and yet she doesn't."

If she SAYS she feels guilty, then why don't you believe her?
Do you think she's lying?
That might be a hindrance right there...In your mentality if you don't believe the things she tells you. 
There has to be trust, and benefit of doubt in a relationship.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I hope the counseling goes well for you.

Just make sure you are not smothering your wife in the mean time. You mention wanting to change to be what she wants so she doesn't leave you. THIS WILL NOT WORK! First, it is dishonest, to you and her. Second, it will not make you happy in the long run. The only thing you can do is be true to yourself. Correct mistakes you have made in the past, work on yourself to make you a better person and be the man she fell in love with in the first place.


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## Tjense01 (Dec 24, 2008)

After spending time with the family over the christmas break, things seemed to be ok, we decided to try going on a date that evening. but I was still filled with anger, she had to talk with him again when we got back.
so yesterday, I asked her to leave, to go back to her family so we can have time to think,

i disconnected her cellphone so she cannot use it to call him, and i just cried for hours after she left, this is so hard, i love my wife, and asking her to leave, killed me inside, and I think about her everything second of the day. I know she hates me right now, but I think its for the best if we are ever going to work things out.

I am not trying to change for her, I am trying to find what made me change and how I can hopefully fix it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

What you have done is called tough love and sometimes it can force a wondering spouse to come to their senses as to what they really want and what they are truly risking. She may come back or may not. Either way you have stated your boundaries. Good for you.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

I agree with Amplexor.


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## Tjense01 (Dec 24, 2008)

when is usually a good time to call after a seperation to see how she is doing?
I want to send her flowers to show there is still passion in me for her.
is this wrong? would that just push her away?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I would suggest you give her time to let this set in. Don’t send flowers, don’t dote on her. You are correct it may drive her further away. If she left without putting serious effort into staying she’s left already to some extent. Let her reach out to you first at this point, it has only been a day. You can read more about tough love in Dobson’s “Love Must be Tough” It is a good read on how tough love can bring a spouse closer. Your situation with your wife is difficult. She is involved with both an EA and PA. It was completely unacceptable for her to call him right after your “date” together. In order for her to come back to you as your wife she will need to completely sever all contact with him. Not easy to do after six years of contact.

Did you follow through on the appointment with the counselor? Also to your statement that you want to change into the person your wife wants you to be is bogus. You have to be yourself, you can’t pretend to be someone else. Certainly you can learn to pay less attention to your job and more to her. You can also improve in many aspects of your marriage but you can’t lose yourself in trying to be what she wants. You have made some errors in your marriage that made your wife unhappy, this is to be sure. But she is the one that stepped outside the bounds of marriage not you. Don’t beat yourself up over this. She is the one in the wrong at this point. Use the knowledge of this fact as strength in tough love.


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## Tjense01 (Dec 24, 2008)

I sent the appointment up for the 5th of Jan. I am nervous about it, the "what-ifs" are playing in my head. She played the card of maybe its just too late, and I am playing maybe this is what we need.

I am starting to not worry about work that much anymore since I told my workplace what is going on in my life and they seem very supportive about it. That really takes a huge load off my back during this bad economy.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Moving forward with counseling is positive. Don’t be afraid of the “what ifs”. You need to understand them before you can address the problems. Yes it might be too late but that she is willing to go to counseling is a good sign she has not written your marriage off. You are likely in for a long haul in your recovery. Strap in and be ready to commit to fight for it. If she is willing to try also, even better.


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## Tjense01 (Dec 24, 2008)

well, I told her no contact for least two weeks, I cannot talk with her, I am going to the Marriage consuler myself. To help me cope with my emotions over this whole thing. Also to help me realise if this marriage is going to work or not. God, everytime I hear her voice, its like Heroin, I get so high and forget about everything, then once its gone, it just stings and world falls apart around me. 
Today she came home to get more of her things, I was not here, but she called me at work and I told her not to talk to me for a while, so she can think to herself as well. 

I think which everway this goes, I am ready for it, yea I will be hurt, but time can heal my wounds and changing what I did wrong will help myself grow and be a great person to whoever is going to be in my life.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Stay strong and I hope the counselor helps. Good luck and keep us posted.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

freeshias4me said:


> "she said she feels guilty and yet she doesn't."
> 
> If she SAYS she feels guilty, then why don't you believe her?
> Do you think she's lying?
> ...


um, she cheated on him, i think i would be very suspicious.

and as for trust...........:scratchhead:


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## Tjense01 (Dec 24, 2008)

well, my theraphy was going good... getting through alot of my issues. 
she wanted me to call my wife to see if its ok, for her to talk to her. 
so, going against the 2 weeks of no talk, I called just for that.. 
Her Dad said, she is not here, went to FL... I am thinking OMG
how, she had no money... 
I found out she went to NY to see her "Fling", and I am extremely pissed, and now I am about to call it quits on this marriage.

She promised me, no commimunication to either of us, and she goes off to see HIM...

to me, she is a ugly ***** right now

I told her parents everything, to tell them I will always love them, but I cannot stay in this marriage. She just told them that she was unhappy... never told about the affair, but I came out with it. I had to tell them for closure of what really happen, and that I am seeking help to get over this and over my past life.

any feelings I had for her is gone.
she is not worthy of being with me, she is not worthy of anything to do with us.


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## Tjense01 (Dec 24, 2008)

I wish i could take back what I said on my last post, but I can't.. I take responibility for my actions.. 

I am still in love with my wife, right now, I just want her love and support through our tough times.. but I doubt she can even think clearly enough to see me as someone in her life.

Its like she doesn't think she is married anymore, and I am just some person... that is what I am thinking about right now, is why go to the place where all the pain started.. why go back to the place where the mistake happen? 

she emailed me yesterday "I know ive really ****ed up! I'm very sorry and I know you dont believe me. I need to figure some stuff out for myself and thats why I didnt really tell anyone. I know you will never forgive me now "

I can't forgive when you show you don't want forgiveness.. I wrote her... honesty and trust is gone, but i want to build that back... right now, I think she needs to be with me, yeah it sucks to be with me right now... but its better than being with the person that has no regret sleeping with her, and wants her for his own...


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

sorry dude, I been reading this thread, and let me get this straight....

She is screwing around on you with this guy....

You deserve BETTER....no one here is going to say it, but i am going to say it.

This marriage is a joke, she is playing you and seems to just be feeding off of you.

How old are you? 20's or 30's? 

plenty of women out there my friend, you can do better.

She is playing a game, buying time and waiting for you to call it quits so she is not responsible.

She cheated on you several times, and had a Long winded Emotional affair...

Dude, get it over with, move on, there are plenty of GOOD women out there, yea it will be tough in the beginning.

But you are killing yourself emotionally, while she is screwing around on you.

Let her go, and find someone that is good for you.

Plenty of dating sites for when you are ready.

If it were me and my wife....She would be gone, or I would be gone....


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

She is betraying you, and her marriage vows. Don't take all this on yourself. You can't be the scapegoat for a decision she consiously made, to cheat. The responsiblity for going there, lies with her, and her only. The problems in the marriage, likely both of you, since it is almost never one person totally. Her solution, to cheat... wrong, and all on her, whether she feels it was justified or not, you just don't do that , not when you're married. If she is still going to see him, no matter that you're trying hard to get counseling, and save your relationship, then it might be time to move on, only you know.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Marina :iagree: she is rigth on the money


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## Tjense01 (Dec 24, 2008)

Being an adult is doing what is needed and keeping your promises. A married woman should maintain composure when with other men, not only because she is married, but because she is a grown woman, not an impulsive child.

she need to grow up, she’s not a child, and she’s a wife. She has to take responsibilities for everything she has done. There is nothing I will do to help her in her situation, she brought this on herself, and her childish behavior over the years we were married and dating.

I am not going to be a doormat to her; she made me a rock from her actions, no regret for what I need to say when the time comes. If she wants to work on it, I will make it clear what I want from her, and if she says no, tough!

When I see her now in my mind, I picture a small child crying for what she can’t have…

She cannot run forever… one day you will have to face me for what she done..

I didn’t marry a child, I married a woman…


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

best of luck, butn what I see is that she had two men and can lose both, as long as she has one she will be happy, But she will want more and continue to do so.

They say once a man cheats he will always be a cheater....

same goes for the woman.

I would really cut off contact and move on with my life.


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