# Husband got drunk & slept with co-worker, told me next day, how do we recover?



## Tellmegoodnews (Jan 7, 2011)

My husband of 5 years (we're both in our early 30's) came home from a business trip the week before Christmas and told me that the previous night he let things go too far with a co-worker. 

He sat me down, he was shaking, and as he told me my world fell apart. He is extremely distraught for his lack of judgment, admits to having been very drunk, and right then swore off drinking ever again (so far so good with that, which was a bit difficult for him over the holidays). I fully believe everything he's told me; while he expressed poor judgment in his actions, he is not a liar and he's not that good of an actor. 

At first I was feeling mostly upset because first I'm afraid he could have caught an STD and second I'm afraid of what this could do to his job if that woman wanted to cause trouble. I know I can forgive his lack of judgment, given that he told me right away (I believe this incident was a once and only once thing), and when he told me he was crying more than I was (he had had a long drive home alone to think about what he did). He did go to the clinic to make sure he hasn't picked up anything (I believe him that there was no plan ahead on what happened so no then there was protection, and if there had been I think I'd have been even more pissed, plus he says he hardly even got started and never finished, so I'm not as worried that he could have knocked her up), but there are still things that can't really be tested for since they don't always show up right away, so I've gone and got the first of my series of guardacil vaccines. 

He doesn't have to have contact with this co-worker again, he only knew her for a week, and has stated that he plans to avoid her at all costs in the future.

So now we're on to trying to rebuild. I've read through the forums here a bit, and I'm looking for advice on what steps we could be taking next (certain other sites I visited were full of vindictive people seeking revenge, and that's not what I'm looking for). 

After it happened, we spent the weekend together, did a bit of talking. I didn't even make him sleep elsewhere the night after the incident; I figured there was no better time to start rebuilding. I resented him at first a bit for being the person who hurt me so while at the same time being the person to comfort me. We had a good christmas with his family, we've agreed that nobody else needs to know about this, so it was a little strained trying to act the happy couple, but I also think that acting the happy couple helped us regain a sense of normalcy. 

Now, it's a new year, and the holidays are over. There's less to distract my mind from what happened, but the wound is also not as fresh. I'm uncertain as to how much we should still talk about what happened. I'm here because I acknowledge that I still have some desire to talk about it with someone, but I don't want to harp on it, especially to my husband, when I know he's feeling guilty enough as it is. This isn't something I ever want to nag him about or throw in his face, while at the same time, I'm not sure if forgetting it is best either, cuz I feel there may be underlying issues (his confidence, his impassivity, etc) that need to be dealt with in some way still, though quitting drinking is a good start. 

Anyways, that's enough to read for a start, and I thank those of you who've read this, and I appreciate any advice you have.


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

*Re: Husband got drunk & slept with co-worker, told me next day, how do we recover?*

Well, first off, I have to say that I see it as a good thing that your husband told you straight up without you ever having to pry anything from him. 

As far as how much to talk about it, I don't think there is any one right answer. You continue to talk about your feelings until you feel as if you can move on. Now, that being said, if, after awhile, you still can't get over it, perhaps you're talking about the wrong things. More than anything, you need to find out why your marriage was susceptible to this in the first place. It could be the alcohol, but at the same time, no one has a perfect marriage. Get to the bottom of the issues that have driven you two apart over time, even in the slightest. Once you get to the bottom of those issues, you can truly being to rebuild and move forward.

These are just my initial reactions, I'm sure I will have more as I digest the situation. In the meantime, I know there are many others who are with me in saying that you have our support in this. Keep us posted!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

*Re: Husband got drunk & slept with co-worker, told me next day, how do we recover?*

Your husband could have kept it as a secret, if he's a playboy, he wouldn't have come clean, but he told you the truth right away.

So you want a honest husband or a dishonest husband?

If you choose to forgive him, you have to forget his mistake.

You can give him a punishment though * I learnt from Sex & City.

You bought him a special ring that he must always wear. The ring reminders him that he's married & he's not allowed to kiss/sleep with any other woman again expect you. It's not the wedding ring, but a punishment ring for him to remember his mistake.

That's a sweet punishment but I think it works.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

*Re: Husband got drunk & slept with co-worker, told me next day, how do we recover?*

You sound like a very mature and balanced person and I am sure that you will get through this. 

Having said that you must expect issues to surface occasionally and without warning. Not wanting to nag your husband is admirable but he is the one who slipped up, so he needs to answer all your questions and be fully understanding when you have the occasional crisis, which you will have.


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## Tellmegoodnews (Jan 7, 2011)

*Re: Husband got drunk & slept with co-worker, told me next day, how do we recover?*



land2634 said:


> Get to the bottom of the issues that have driven you two apart over time, even in the slightest.


Unfortunately, the main thing right now is his job literally driving us apart distance wise. It's only been the past few months, and should only last two more weeks in the middle of all this emotional mess, we're actually in the process of moving. I think the stress and the drunkenness were the main contributing factors. I asked him flat out if it had anything to do with me, and he said no, definitely not, and I do believe that this was an crime of opportunity more than anything. 

Aside from that, I'd have pretty much told you we did have the perfect marriage before this incident. We don't really argue (we have discussions, but they're hardly ever even heated; the last time we had a real fight that I can remember was last summer, discussing the right way/location to build a shed of all things), we are very open about discussing just about everything in our marriage, and I trust him completely. 

I see the main problem is that he is very impulsive, and I might also say somewhat insecure, but these are the very things I find endearing about him on a day-to-day basis, and I'd hate to really see those things change. I enjoy the surprises in our lives, the spur of the moment decisions at 10pm to go out for ice cream, and the way he wants to be by my side more than anything when we're together. I'm trying to figure out the best way to help him, and talk to him, about curbing these traits of him, while at the same time not being a nag and not changing who he is fundamentally, and that's a challenge.


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## Tellmegoodnews (Jan 7, 2011)

*Re: Husband got drunk & slept with co-worker, told me next day, how do we recover?*



jamesa said:


> You sound like a very mature and balanced person and I am sure that you will get through this.....
> 
> Having said that you must expect issues to surface occasionally and without warning. Not wanting to nag your husband is admirable but he is the one who slipped up, so he needs to answer all your questions and be fully understanding when you have the occasional crisis, which you will have.


Thank you, I try to be mature and balanced, at the same time, I somewhat unfortunately feel it's made me try to be a bit more critical thinking about the whole incident, rather than emotional, and I've had to do my best to get the emotions out instead of sitting on them. The night he told me, I didn't really start crying until like 3am, when it finally got to me. 

He definitely has told me he will be understanding and give me time and space that I need to process this, and he hasn't been pushy or an ass about it at all really. I respect that a lot about him, despite what has happened. I feel so conflicted because part of me wants to despise him and what he did, but there's so much history there of him to love and cherish and adore, and his current actions speak to that as well. So dealing with the issues without it feeling like I'm harping on them, or dragging on and on, is my priority at the moment. I'm just less sure of how to do all that.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

*Re: Husband got drunk & slept with co-worker, told me next day, how do we recover?*

I think you're handling it in a good way. While I don't condone affairs, even if the M is bad, i do believe, to an extent, that people do make drunken mistakes, and I'm leaning towards that here. But the fact that he fessed up, got tested, seems willing to do anything to get back in your good graces, and is even letting you deal with this in your own way, tells me that this is not a recurring problem with him, and though he screwed up, I definitely would be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Perhaps some MC would help, at the very least, you can work on how to make that stress and distance issue easier to manage, and how best for the both of you to deal with this indiscretion-although, I think you are handling it very well.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

*Re: Husband got drunk & slept with co-worker, told me next day, how do we recover?*

I'm impressed with the way he's owning up to this, and how you are being so mature about it. Not sure how I'd react. I think marriage counseling is a good idea. You both need to know how to deal and move on. But other than that, it sounds like you are both moving in the right direction. I agree with MsLonely's post, too.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

*Re: Husband got drunk & slept with co-worker, told me next day, how do we recover?*

You need to talk about it however much you need to talk about it. You'll have questions he needs to answer, not because you want to harp on it or make him feel more guilty, but because you'll need those answers in order to find closure and move on so that you DON'T harp on it and make him feel more guilty. 

Given that he came clean right away, and seems to feel so remorseful, I think he would understand that you need some answers to move on. And given how honest he's been with you so far, I think he'll continue to give you honest answers, even if it does make him feel worse. 

There's nothing wrong with expressing to him how hurt you are, or angry, or whatever it is you feel. Yes, it might make him feel worse for a while. But...you are the completely innocent victim in this, and you feel badly for no reason other than that your husband did something really stupid. You have the right to feel that and to express it, and if he really loves you and wants to get beyond this, he'll be willing to take it because he knows he deserves it and that in the end, you will eventually get past it.


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## Tellmegoodnews (Jan 7, 2011)

*Re: Husband got drunk & slept with co-worker, told me next day, how do we recover?*



MsLonely said:


> So you want a honest husband or a dishonest husband?


I'm not complaining that he was honest at all. 



MsLonely said:


> It's not the wedding ring, but a punishment ring for him to remember his mistake.


I thought about something like this, I honestly considered making him get a tattoo, and mentioned it to him, and he said he'd do it if I wanted, but then I realized that *I* don't need the reminder of his mistake. I don't want to look at something on him and have to be reminded of her. His guilt should be punishment enough, and his actions should be an every-day reminder of our love; not of any mistakes.


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## Tellmegoodnews (Jan 7, 2011)

*Re: Husband got drunk & slept with co-worker, told me next day, how do we recover?*



LonelyNLost said:


> I'm impressed with the way he's owning up to this, and how you are being so mature about it. Not sure how I'd react. I think marriage counseling is a good idea. You both need to know how to deal and move on. But other than that, it sounds like you are both moving in the right direction. I agree with MsLonely's post, too.


Thank you. It's one of those things that you don't know how you'll react until you have to. Before this happened, I probably would have said I'd react by leaving his sorry ass, but actually being in the situation is very different. 

I think when we get settled back into a normal routine we'll have to revisit the idea of counseling. I'm trying to gauge here how necessary it is. I've been to counseling before on my own (for issues with my parents), and did not enjoy the experience, but it could just have been the counselor. So I'm somewhat cautious about going, hoping maybe we can find some books to encourage ourselves to talk between us first.


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