# When does the pain go away?



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

I have already asked kind of a similar question before but fast forward a few months later and I want to ask a similar question. My STBXW has had a boyfriend since late September, we agreed getting a divorce in August (100% her idea). I, at first, was devestated with this news. A lot of people assume she was already seeing him while we were still married but I know for a fact they were not. It has now been 3 months since they have been dating and I have improved a considerable amount. I am happier, go out with friends when I can,am a great father….worked my ass off at work to get a raise at work before new year and got it, so finally making decent money….but I still almost on a daily basis think about my ex wife and her dating. I usually will get sad and it will last anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. It just blows my mind how she could date someone so quickly and be “in love” already. I am actually quite jealous because deep down she is a great person, we were just a toxic couple, and I have had to deal with the emotions of divorce by myself while she has someone there for her 24/7. I am bitter still as well. We have a 18M old daughter so we still have to talk and co parent but I am as distant as I possibly can be. Unless its something serious about my daughter (sick, one of needs help due to work, etc) I do not talk to her at all. Am I wrong for being so distant and not communicating? I have blocked her on all social media but will unblock her from time to time to snoop on what shes been up to and its always a mistake, cause i see them together. I guess I am just ranting here, would like to talk to someone who is going through something similar or has gone through it. Feel free to message me. I am slowly getting better and getting over her/her new man. Hes already been around my daughter quite a bit im guessing since they have been together for a few months and I havent even met him yet. I have talked to a few women and its been going well but I find myself being almost needy and coming off as desperate. I find it as a competition with my ex wife to find a new partner just as quickly as she did. Again, just ranting. Feeling a little down this morning lol


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## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

To add to this…I find myself missing the idea of having a companion. I confuse it as missing my ex wife when it is really just the idea of her. She had two children from her 1st marriage and she works nights as a nurse so I was taking care of 3 kids on a regular basis. To go from that to just having my daughter 50% of the time is weird, it definately messes with your mind. Not used to having an empty house at times


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's very early days so give yourself time. It's usually a bad idea to jump too quickly into a new relationship anyway, are you actually divorced yet? 
Concentrate on your daughter who must be very confused by all this poor little thing. 
It's natural that you feel lost but it's not a competition as to who gets married first.


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## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

We are not divorced yet…should be within the next 3 months or so. I am trying my best to be the best father I can be. Its actually easier now than when I was married because I can focus all of my attention on her rather than on wife and 2 step kids.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Stop snooping on her social media...that's called pain shoppin..

As long as you're obsessing over your ex you're in no position to be dating. 

Keep communications limited to your child and business and don't look at anything else. With time things will fade.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Look up the article War Brides by Rollo Tomassi. 

Guys often ask how can she move on so fast? Two reasons for this, one is lack of options for the guy. The other is it's part of how we evolved. 

Good thing is you can control your options. Sounds like you are being more social, got a raise at work. Keep at it, make sure you're hitting the gym too. As your options increase, the number of fcks you'll give about her will decrease.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Going through somewhat similar circumstances, and I think we need to try to become comfortable with our own selves, and being on our own alone for a while, before we can really be a good partner for any new love interest. But it is hard, for sure.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Al_Bundy said:


> Look up the article War Brides by Rollo Tomassi.
> 
> Guys often ask how can she move on so fast? Two reasons for this, one is lack of options for the guy. The other is it's part of how we evolved.
> 
> Good thing is you can control your options. Sounds like you are being more social, got a raise at work. Keep at it, make sure you're hitting the gym too. As your options increase, the number of fcks you'll give about her will decrease.


Spouses are often at different points in the detachment process when the marriage ends. If she requested it she may have been detaching for a long time while it's still fresh for him.

I started dating my bf fairly quickly after splitting from my ex because I'd spent a year detaching from him after finding out about his trash ex gf. It's been 3 years and we're happy.

Ex stonewalled and buried his head in the sand right to the end, convinced (like he always was) that if he just played dumb, threw enough tantrums, and ignored it I'd rugsweep and let it go. It was his MO and had worked for him before.

OP is much earlier on in the grieving process then his ex.

Of course my ex being farther behind in the detachment process didn't stop him from continuing with said trash ex gf......I have wondered if her husband (#5 for her) knew about it.

I can laugh about it now 🤣


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

As much no contact as possibly. Just because you have a child together doesn’t mean you can’t. 
Let her go and free yourself. 
No one can keep you in this but yourself.


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## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Spouses are often at different points in the detachment process when the marriage ends. If she requested it she may have been detaching for a long time while it's still fresh for him.
> 
> I started dating my bf fairly quickly after splitting from my ex because I'd spent a year detaching from him after finding out about his trash ex gf. It's been 3 years and we're happy.
> 
> ...


Yeah you are right about the detachment process being different for both parties. I was so unhappy in my marriage at the end but didnt want to let go because of having a child together and feeling I had too much invested in my wife (spent a good chunk of my 20s with her)….was scared to be alone. We had a decent relationship toward the end but the fights were so toxic, low blows to each other it had built up a lot of resentment. It was time to let go and honestly, I was so terrified of being alone but I have progressed so much in the past few months. Slowly getting better. Just hurts that she moved on so quickly and I guess makes me feel like im easily replaceable. My confidence is still pretty questionable lol


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## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Stop snooping on her social media...that's called pain shoppin..
> 
> As long as you're obsessing over your ex you're in no position to be dating.
> 
> Keep communications limited to your child and business and don't look at anything else. With time things will fade.


If it wasnt for her being in a relationship, I wouldnt care at all about her and her life. I say that in the nicest way possible. I do not hate her or wish bad upon her, I hope one day I grow enough to where we can be “friends” and be great co parents. Just not there yet. Maybe that will never happen. Who knows. As long as my daughter grows up happy and healthy, it doesnt really matter. I used to almost stalk her social media but i do it probably once a week now. So getting better lol I think she would look at my facebook cause she would block/unblock me so i just ended up blocking her and havent looked back


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MattOly94 said:


> Yeah you are right about the detachment process being different for both parties. I was so unhappy in my marriage at the end but didnt want to let go because of having a child together and feeling I had too much invested in my wife (spent a good chunk of my 20s with her)….was scared to be alone. We had a decent relationship toward the end but the fights were so toxic, low blows to each other it had built up a lot of resentment. It was time to let go and honestly, I was so terrified of being alone but I have progressed so much in the past few months. Slowly getting better. Just hurts that she moved on so quickly and I guess makes me feel like im easily replaceable. My confidence is still pretty questionable lol


Try reframing what it means to be replaceable.

The new guy isn't you. He's got his own positives and negatives just like the rest of us. So in a sense you're not replaceable because nobody else is you. In that spirit you're never going to replace your ex because nobody else is her. But if you wish to have another partner you will.

You don't know anything about this new guy. Maybe she lowered her standards...anyone can find someone quickly if they lower their standards enough. Or maybe he's a better match for her.

But who cares? It's not a reflection of who you are. You weren't happy and that's all that matters, so why would you want to replace her? You need a better match.

My father used to say that life is a series of adventures and one adventure must end before you can start a new one. But people often delay the start of new adventures because they don’t end the last adventure.

You and your ex didn't work and this adventure is over. New ones await, so onward and upward. Maybe you'll find a better match.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Honestly, a day will come when you'll feel sorry for her. Moving on quickly is not a sign of emotional health or well being. It's a form of desperation. You're nowhere near over her or ready to date. That's ok. Work on you. Create a life that you adore. Dating can wait. When the time is right, it will be obvious. You'll be so much better off if you use this time for self reflection and to develop a life that makes you happy. Alone. Not with another person to provide distraction or a sense of self. 

When I was single, I remember this kind of catch 22. When one isn't happy, it's hard to attract a healthy partner. If one feels the need for a partner in order to be happy, he's screwed. Focus on the things you want to do and the life you want to live. 

By the way, I'm a divorce attorney. Have been doing it since 1996. You're predicament is not at all unique. The advice that people are often in different places in the mourning and letting go process is spot on. It's really common for the leaver to have done a lot of his or her grieving work while the leavee doesn't see it coming and, thus, find himself or herself in a very early stage. For the leaver it's like hiking into the Grand Canyon. For the leavee, it's like getting thrown in, a far more bruising process.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

MattOly94 said:


> I have already asked kind of a similar question before but fast forward a few months later and I want to ask a similar question. My STBXW has had a boyfriend since late September, we agreed getting a divorce in August (100% her idea). I, at first, was devestated with this news. A lot of people assume she was already seeing him while we were still married but I know for a fact they were not. It has now been 3 months since they have been dating and I have improved a considerable amount. I am happier, go out with friends when I can,am a great father….worked my ass off at work to get a raise at work before new year and got it, so finally making decent money….but I still almost on a daily basis think about my ex wife and her dating. I usually will get sad and it will last anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. It just blows my mind how she could date someone so quickly and be “in love” already. I am actually quite jealous because deep down she is a great person, we were just a toxic couple, and I have had to deal with the emotions of divorce by myself while she has someone there for her 24/7. I am bitter still as well. We have a 18M old daughter so we still have to talk and co parent but I am as distant as I possibly can be. Unless its something serious about my daughter (sick, one of needs help due to work, etc) I do not talk to her at all. Am I wrong for being so distant and not communicating? I have blocked her on all social media but will unblock her from time to time to snoop on what shes been up to and its always a mistake, cause i see them together. I guess I am just ranting here, would like to talk to someone who is going through something similar or has gone through it. Feel free to message me. I am slowly getting better and getting over her/her new man. Hes already been around my daughter quite a bit im guessing since they have been together for a few months and I havent even met him yet. I have talked to a few women and its been going well but I find myself being almost needy and coming off as desperate. I find it as a competition with my ex wife to find a new partner just as quickly as she did. Again, just ranting. Feeling a little down this morning lol


Fake not being needy until it becomes you.
Nobody has to know what is going inside you.
If you, on a date, be more aloof and slightly distance, while being friendly, it will go better for you.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

That's a different sort of advice than I would offer. My feeling is that the source of intimacy is authenticity and vulnerability. Of course not too much or too soon. Women can feel neediness a mile away and it's a huge turnoff. Reason number one why it's best not to date until one is standing firmly on his own feet in a life that he loves and enjoys. So focus on that for now. On figuring out the things that you enjoy and creating a life rich with those things. Then when the time is right, you can begin including friends and ultimately explore the inclusion of ones who might be particularly special.


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