# Anger & time



## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

When does the anger go away? I have a hard time looking at pictures from the past without automatically thinking of the affair.

I feel like I've spent so much time torturing myself connecting the dots that now there are so many dots connected that I can't think of good times in my life as a father without attaching a negative thought.

I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle but there are days that I wonder how much more I can handle. Just a depressed day I guess.......


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The answer is: TIME. 

Yeah it's cliched and a boring answer but it's also the truth. With time, you will find your anger subsiding. You will trigger in the future but it won't sting as badly.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yep, time. Right after D day I had to put away the photo book I made of our 2009 vacations, because having it sitting out was like a slap in the face to me. All I could see was the fact he was cheating on me the entire time we enjoyed our family vacations that year.

It still bugs me and reminds me, but it isn't like a slap any more, more like a little puff of unpleasantness. I can actually sit down and look through it now without hyperventilating.

You'll get there.


----------



## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Yep, time. Right after D day I had to put away the photo book I made of our 2009 vacations, because having it sitting out was like a slap in the face to me. All I could see was the fact he was cheating on me the entire time we enjoyed our family vacations that year.
> 
> It still bugs me and reminds me, but it isn't like a slap any more, more like a little puff of unpleasantness. I can actually sit down and look through it now without hyperventilating.
> 
> You'll get there.


I hope so. Very difficult to remember what I thought were good times only to get slapped in the face with reality. I literally can't look at pictures of my own kids birthday. I go from anger to sadness then back to anger and then think of how to get even. The cycle is worse than the crime itself. Meanwhile her world is unaffected. What ever happened to karma?


----------



## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Yes, the looking back and wondering whether all the times you thought were genuine were fraudulent. I do this. I see an old movie that we once saw together and wonder whether the cheating had started by then. I remember our trips and family vactions and wonder if it had already started.
But, as another has said, time makes it lessen.


----------



## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

LMAO. Just 2 weeks ago I was very angry but that was b/c I was sent to the worng school for my son's concert.
As far as being angry about the affairs.....I realize she ruined her life, it has no bearing on me and the kids, we can move on w/o her disfunction.  I saw her last night, she is just a shell of a woman who once was. She's lost 50+lbs, she can't walk w/o shaking and speaks like she's got a bar of soap in her mouth....sad but she chose this life and only she can bring herself out to better, clean living. Her BF was there and he has to hold her up b/c she's so weak, he's an older man and doesn't have a very bright future....if he only knew what he was getting into.  Their problem!! 
I guess seeing her fail allows me to move on a lot easier. Her family also sees her as the "problem" and now look to me as a way to see the children.
Mouse


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Alittlefunnnn said:


> When does the anger go away? I have a hard time looking at pictures from the past without automatically thinking of the affair.
> 
> I feel like I've spent so much time torturing myself connecting the dots that now there are so many dots connected that I can't think of good times in my life as a father without attaching a negative thought.
> 
> I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle but there are days that I wonder how much more I can handle. Just a depressed day I guess.......


I don't have an answer for you. But as a Betrayed spouse, I can still taste the anger sometimes. It scares me.

One thing that really triggered a rage was during recovery when he just wanted to stay home on a Saturday night rather than going out. 

Prior to his affair I enjoyed being at home, too. I like to cook and cozy in on weekends. But I never had any objection to going out if he had wanted to. 

But, my cheater husband, told one of the MC's that I was boring because I never wanted to eat out or go out to a club.

In one of the email threads sent to me anonymously between him and his lover, he mentioned how bored he was staying home on weekends. 

So, when he did not want to go out during recovery, I was baffled and than enraged by his claim that he preferred to stay in.


----------



## Alittlefunnnn (Jan 11, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I don't have an answer for you. But as a Betrayed spouse, I can still taste the anger sometimes. It scares me.
> 
> One thing that really triggered a rage was during recovery when he just wanted to stay home on a Saturday night rather than going out.
> 
> ...


Yeah it sucks. It's almost like you compare yourself to the OM/OW. Like you would do this with them because I was this way but now you don't want to because why?


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Anger is normal. Reacting angrily to triggers is also normal for BS.
As Jelly said, it takes time. Pull on.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Be kind to yourself and don't look at the photos.
I was impressed by two girls who had been kidnapped by their noncustodial father and brought to his country in S. America. Their mom got them back. So they were in a scrapbooking class in an after school activity where I was helping out. The two of them just matter of factly cut their dad out from all of the photos they put in their scrapbooks, then they pointed at each other's books and giggled. The thing is, they reacted normally. They loved the photos of themselves because they were there, acting like themselves and in the moment. So they kept that and they got rid of the person who lied to them and betrayed them and took them away from their mom and put them in a situation where off duty agents had to break into their dad's apartment and reverse kidnap them at gunpoint. And they were just kids! But very very good at editing their past to keep the good stuff and get rid of the stuff they didn't want to remember. And kudos to their mom for letting them take all those photos and having their way with them. When I left my ex, my kids also voluntarily went through all of the photos of their stepdad and put them in the trash. I said nothing one way or the other. They also had no problem leaving behind their rooms that were decorated and newly furnished, or the big screen tv or the Wii and access to a constant stream of 'stuff'. We should take a clue from the way that kids react, they don't really think about it, they just do what feels right to them and move on. They don't waffle over holding onto the past, for a kid, their whole life is ahead of them. I think we should also forget about our age and follow suit.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry but I absolutely hate that saying that God never gives you more than you can handle. If this is the case then why is there so many suicides?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> The one I detest is " what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Sorry Nietsche, sometime it just isn't so.



That's the one my boyfriend said to me when his sister was insisting that I wouldn't be able to continue to visit him while he was in the rehab hospital.

I am finding out that it's actually true.
But still, sometimes it's what doesn't kill you will make you wish that it did. Or what doesn't kill you will surely make you suffer. (And of course, it's the response to suffering that does make you stronger, if you approach it from a spiritual sense.)


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Anger is definitely something to deal with.

I'm in therapy for anger, because I keep experiencing situations where my voice or volition or some kind of expectation that you would think is perfectly normal...is denied to me. It's not like I am just angry without any reason. I do have reason, but anger is not a helpful emotion, except for giving you some energy to react/act proactively and progressively in your life. 

The rest of anger is fairly useless. I'm reading a book on anger "When Anger Hurts" and probably the only thing that comes out of anger, is more anger. If you're like me, you try to avoid anger. 

Avoidance is a good strategy for dealing with anger, also turning to dreams or creative solutions to the source of anger...or talking about it...it really has to be discharged one way or the other. 

But there are things to do to prevent anger, like changing expectations, even if they are reasonable ones, of course if they are not working in your favor and have not been met, they're not really 'reasonable', there is nothing that says everything in life will be fair, and it's often not. 

Anger can really damage your health, and affect the way you interact with people, even if you're not aware of it. 

There are so many sources of anger, usually it's a stress response. Or by having needs not met. The thing is to reduce stress or deal with stress, and to make sure you can identify your needs and get them met so that you don't have to be angry about being denied. 

What's helpful is knowing that a few of the myths about anger don't hold up. It's not really a given that people are going to express anger negatively. There are a lot of cultures that don't. So 'letting it all out' isn't really necessary. 

I'm looking forward to learning how to prevent anger and how to avert it if it is getting ahold of me, and how to channel it if it does. 

In my case, I do have legitimate anger because of how I was treated in my biological family, and also how I was treated in my marriages. I can see how the way my biological family treated me led to a lot of internalized anger that feeds into my day to day sometimes. 

Then there is shame, and guilt, as sources of anger. And so forth.

Personally, I would not rely just on time to have anger dissipated. It's better to be a bit more methodical and conscious about how to choose too deal with it. If you have anger it really needs to be addressed, it is telling you something about not getting a need met or some kind of stress or fear that needs to be taken care of.


----------



## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

Time does lessen the intensity of your bad memories. While you're waiting for time to pass, though, you need to be able to deal with your anger and other negative emotions. 

No matter whether you're staying married or getting divorced, you have the next phase of your life to think about - and look forward to. Focus on the positive rather than the negative. When I found myself getting angry, I would remind myself of the positive things that were happening. Sometimes the only positive things I had to think about were the good changes I was making with myself. If that's all I had at that moment, then I made the most of it.

For me, being conscious that anger was destructive to what I wanted to become and achieve helped me disperse the anger. If I started feeling anger, I'd allow myself a foot stomp and then I'd start refocusing.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Like I tell my combat Vets anger is not the first emotion. Anger is typically the result of pain, insult, betrayal, disappointment, etc, and these are the first emotion (s) that trigger anger. Once you figure out what your first emotion is you can begin to find ways of dealing with your anger in a more productive way. Anger is also not wrong. It is what you do with it that can become destructive and a poison to your soul.

I am an expert on anger that got out of control and I am not proud of it. I have taught anger management and use educational materials in counseling on anger management. I finally put it into practice but it almost destroyed my marriage, where I became the bad guy. Talk about role reversals. My wife cheated on me and I became the bad guy. I own it and stopped it.


----------

