# Advise on saving marriage



## m82850207 (Mar 2, 2012)

My husband and I have been married 10 years on April 23rd. I was 16 and he was 19 when we got married. Since last November he has been unhappy. He has agreed 3 times to try and hasn't made an effort. He says, "what's it going to be in 6 mos." 2 years ago I went through the same thing because I felt that I was doing everything to hold us together. We never lived separately, I just requested we sleep separately. That lasted a month and he made a huge turn-around and became a better person. Last year I got into a bad car accident and was off work for almost a year. During that year he took on almost all the responsibilities. I never really assumed my responsibilities back because I had been in a deep depression and diagnosed with two diseases that make life hard period. The day after he told me he wasn't happy again, I found out he'd been texting a female co-worker and hiding it. Let me be clear, I do not think that he's cheating or trying to start an affair. Initially I contacted her and asked her not to respond. Well, a few days later it stopped. Then I found out that he had downloaded an app on his phone to chat without it showing on phone bill. Again, I trust him, not her. Plus I know that it's mostly spite and principle to have his space because he felt I was crowding him, which I was. I was being selfish.  It's been a week and a day since he said he was unhappy and didn't see anything working. He said he really wanted to move out but was staying. Since that day I decided to give my life back to the Lord and be the person I wanted to be and could be for my children, myself, and my family. I decided right then I would fight for my family. He has warmed up to me more. I just was wondering if there were any words of advise for me to continue to fight. I told him that I was going to continue to be selfless when I do something for him or even when I say I love you. I wouldn't expect anything such as reaction, recognition, ect. I also told him I would make sure it was a good time for him to talk and let him know what I wanted to talk about that way he was ready as well (and it worked).


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

m82850207 said:


> I found out he'd been texting a female co-worker and hiding it. *Let me be clear*, I do not think that he's cheating or trying to start an affair.


No let* me* be clear

He IS cheating
at the very least this an EA (emotional affair)

I suggest you read the welcome newbies link in my signature and perhaps post in the CWI section


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## m82850207 (Mar 2, 2012)

He is not emotionally connected to her. He just was trying to understand me more. You're being stereotypical of him. Trust me, I know when something is off, how do you think I found out all I did. I just need advise from men who have maybe felt like their wife wasn't fighting for them and showing them on a continual basis that they loved them unconditionally. I didn't come here to talk about what he's doing. I came to get more tools to fight and win my family. =)


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm puzzled. Why do you trust him, and not her? He's downloaded an app on his phone so you can't see the conversations that I'm assuming you've asked him to stop having. The other woman didn't exchange vows with you, so she owes you no loyalty. You need to deal with the source of the problem, which is your husband and his actions.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## m82850207 (Mar 2, 2012)

I know his motives are honorable, hers are not. He has felt for awhile now that I'm controlling and crowding. This is just his way of setting a physical boundary for me. It's not permanent. Besides...like I said I went thru this 2 years ago. I did the same thing. I thought if I could get inside a guys head it would help me understand him. I acted shady and changed passwords because I wanted to force him to give me space. I wasn't interested in anyone else. I now know it was wrong. She has already shown her true self anyhow. I'm not worried about her.


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## m82850207 (Mar 2, 2012)

Honestly...if I push harder and bring her up more, she wins. I'm focusing on our family and getting back to the real me. When he's with me and our family I don't want her to be mentioned. He doesn't get on his phone when he's with us so if they do message it's not much and he tell me when they have chit chatted and what was said and offers to show me. Being overly distrustful can ruin a relationship.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what are you asking?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## m82850207 (Mar 2, 2012)

What else can I do to show him I am committed to him and our family and that I do love him, without kissing his behind or sucking up


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

m82850207 said:


> I know his motives are honorable, hers are not. He has felt for awhile now that I'm controlling and crowding. This is just his way of setting a physical boundary for me. It's not permanent. Besides...like I said I went thru this 2 years ago. I did the same thing. I thought if I could get inside a guys head it would help me understand him. I acted shady and changed passwords because I wanted to force him to give me space. I wasn't interested in anyone else. I now know it was wrong. She has already shown her true self anyhow. I'm not worried about her.


I totally get all of the above. I think H and I have gone through similar problems and I have talked to male co-workers for perspectives and it's been helpful. I needed male perspective and he wasn't talking or opening up and I had no other males to talk to about it. I didn't give away too much nor was I saying anything I wouldn't/hadn't said to him. 

Have you looked into some of the self-help books? 
I think if I am honest w/ myself I felt our marriage started to fall apart Fall 2010. I wasn't sure if it was just part of our down cycle, I wish I would have worked harder when I first was feeling bothered by our disconnect. I wish I would have bought Gottman's book or tried MC... something so we wouldn't be separated right now.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> No let* me* be clear
> 
> He IS cheating
> at the very least this an EA (emotional affair)
> ...


:iagree: THIS THIS THIS! :iagree:
Rug-sweeping (which is what you are doing and enabling) will not lead to solving what was wrong or missing in your marriage to make him say he was "unhappy" in the first place.
You asking everyone else -- instead of him -- what will make him happy and want to stay/be with you may be exactly what is wrong in the first place -- missing real communication and tackling issues together. 
MC would be the place that I would start.


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## m82850207 (Mar 2, 2012)

2xloser said:


> :iagree: THIS THIS THIS! :iagree:
> Rug-sweeping (which is what you are doing and enabling) will not lead to solving what was wrong or missing in your marriage to make him say he was "unhappy" in the first place.
> You asking everyone else -- instead of him -- what will make him happy and  want to stay/be with you may be exactly what is wrong in the first place -- missing real communication and tackling issues together.
> MC would be the place that I would start.


no I have talked to him I'm simply trying to meet unexpressed needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

1) hes hiding it and is making it more difficult for you to access the texts
2) despite if you wish to think it is an EA, giving attention to someone else of the opposite sex instead of you is damaging to the marriage and you can't mend the marriage until it ceases
3) you have no idea what's being said in the texts so you can't dismiss it like you are and expect it to be all honky dory kosher
4) you aren't a mind reader so trying to meet unexpressed needs is next to impossible


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

how do you show that you are committed to him and your family? answer: be committed to him and your family. If you talk about your H with pride, be near him, show him approval, learn what his love language is and work at meeting his needs he will feel your desire and appreciation.

If you are doing most of those and he is still not invested he has checked out. Judging by the amount of red flags, if this is the case then he is in EA with this OW.


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