# Been with her for 27 years, whats wrong with me?



## nb2wheels (Oct 3, 2014)

I'm new here, been lurking and reading for a while now, decided today I would get involved. After reading a lot of your discussions it seems to me that pretty much everybody is down to earth and logical so Im going to jump in and ask some questions. I'm posting here because I would like to get the female perspective (if any one would like to chime in) and hopefully get the male perspective from someone who has went through this already, as well.

So here goes, I'll try to keep it short.

Started dating my beautiful wife in 1987,married in 1993, First and only child in 1999. About 2003 (I'm guessing) I (we)started getting a little annoyed\bored with quickies, so we started our date nights and about every three months our son would go spend a weekend with his grandparent or aunts and uncles. It was amazing on those weekends when our son was gone because it was like the girl I married had come back to me and the mom I was currently living with would leave. We would go out, have some fun and come home and have some of the most amazing love making sessions ever:smthumbup: and multiple times!

I think at this point I should mention, she takes very good care of herself, works out a lot, watch's what she eats and is still as gorgeous as the day I met her. I also take care of myself, work out and watch what I eat.

She is an amazing mom and wife, we take care of day to day responsibilities together, sometimes get to work out together, team up on laundry, house chores and fixing dinner, all the normal stuff.

To this day we still do all of the before mentioned date nights and date weekends. But they are fewer and further between and she isn't as interested in sex or Me as she was 10 years ago. I've tried everything on the theory of romance - random notes left around the house, in her books, in her bag, sweet text messages daily, smothering her with compliments, gifts, everything I could imagine. As much as she has appreciated those gestures it has NOT increased her interest in me. Because (it seems to me) I'm the last thought on her mind behind work, our son, house hold chores and pretty much anything else you could think of. At this point I know everybody reading this is thinking that she is cheating, that is not a possibility. That's been a thought of mine as well so I've checked. Without going into detail, I am completely positive she isn't cheating.

2 Days ago we sat down and had a heart to heart, I explained to her the way I was feeling and she cried, apologized and said she would work on it, she even initiated love making later in the day. I'm back to feeling ignored. 

Is this just the way it is after being with someone so long? Am I having some sort of mid-life crisis here? Is it going to get worse? anyone have any suggestions? Am I missing something?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I don't think she is cheating, I don't think she loves you any less, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you feel. I have no advice, because I've never been in THAT long term of a marriage before. But I think it's a good thing the two of you can talk. Perhaps she is nearing the "change?" I've heard that can play with womens hormone levels something fierce.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Maybe back off on all the romantic stuff. It's not working and probably just makes you look weak. Find some hobbies and things you enjoy. Be more selfish, check out of the relationship a bit.

The real thing, in my opinion, is that women are less suited to monogamy than men. You are probably going to get a lot of advice about reading MMSL and No More Mr Nice Guy, and advice about making yourself more attractive. I personally think it's mostly b*llsh*t. Sometimes it works. Sometimes guys luck into women that enjoy sex and make it a priority in the relationship. 

Most of us don't. 

The working on yourself stuff probably won't get your women more attracted to you, but it will sets you to care less whether she does or not.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

She may not be cheating in the classic sense, but she may be getting her needs met by the attention of other men in her life. By this I mean that she enjoys inappropriate attention of men that meet a certain criteria, and leads them on by smiling and taking no action to stop inappropriate attention as long as this attention does not cross the line to kissing or sex. Some women enjoy the seduction process more than than sex, and your wife may be such a person. If so, then she is allowing these other men to meet needs that you cannot, since they are new and exciting as they try to talk their way into her life, while you are the same-old same-old guy that is already there. The danger here is not that she is physically cheating with them. It is that such behavior has her mentally moving you over to the friend zone in her mind. To be clear, I am not saying that this is the case, as I do not know enough about your situation. All I am saying is that I have seen such situations before and that you need to check to see if she has such men in her life. 

Start paying more attention to the presence of other men in her life. These are other men that you may not even know are in her life. It could be that guy down the street that times his dog walks to match your wife's walks so that they can chat. It could be the guy that waits for you to not be around your wife at a party before going up and talking with her. These guys will always find excuses that look innocent to touch your wife, and yes she notices and appreciates such touching. These are other men in her orbit that you may not even think that much about. Start thinking and paying attention.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Have you specifically told her how important intimacy/sex is to you and asked her why she is being negligent on that end?

After you get a feel for her answers, ask her if she realizes what intimacy means to a man/you, tell her it's the ultimate way of expressing love.

By her negligence, she is telling you with her actions that she doesn't love you.

Express to her exactly how that feels. In time, lack of intimacy will take toll on ANY marriage.

Many here will tell you that intimacy negligence can be AS BAD, if not worse than cheating!!! 

If she loves you, she should be going up and beyond to make sure you hare completely happy.

Also, it can be that she is simply getting caught up in life and forgets about priorities. Tell her that you don't feel like her priority, and you should be.....long before any kid, house or whatever else she might have going on.

You can also write down bunch of things on cards, and ask her to prioritize it. Husband, Kid, Parents, friends, work, etc etc. 

Make sure you are on TOP of her priority list. If not, you might want to think twice and recognize the person in front of you....and perhaps accept them for who you are. Personally, I would not be with a person that doesn't make me their priority in life.

Be nice, be honest and keep talking to her about it in an adult/healthy way.

good luck


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

How old are you guys? Is it possible she is hitting menopause? How often are you having sex? You said 2 days ago she initiated sex, why are you feeling ignored today?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Here's what I do when my wife wants to act like all this random crap is more important than her marriage.

I spend a day to wash and wax my 10 year old truck while she is in the house cleaning, doing wash or taking care of the kids.

Two can play at that game.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

DoF said:


> H
> 
> If she loves you, she should be going up and beyond to make sure you hare completely happy.
> 
> ...


I believe this to be the case. You should be her top priority. She for you as well. When the smoke clears, kids are gone from the nest what do we have left but each other. If that connection is lost along the way, at the time the nest becomes empty, there were be two people standing there like total strangers to one another.

It appears you have become a roommate. It is repairable. Be persistent with your feelings/concerns about it. If, down the road, something crops up from your W about your relationship it will leave very little question that you expressed these feelings and concerns in the past. They were summarily ignored.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

nb2wheels said:


> Is this just the way it is after being with someone so long? Am I having some sort of mid-life crisis here? Is it going to get worse? anyone have any suggestions?


Yeah, but a nice sports car and go on a road trip. One of those nice corvettes, and the vestiges of Rt 66 are still out there for exploring! Go now, before it gets too cold.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Here's what I do when my wife wants to act like all this random crap is more important than her marriage.
> 
> I spend a day to wash and wax my 10 year old truck while she is in the house cleaning, doing wash or taking care of the kids.
> 
> Two can play at that game.


Sometimes this works. Plus you get a whole bunch of crap done you been meaning to do. 

Stop the flowers, cards and little notes for a bit. See if she recognizes these little gestures of affection dried up.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> I believe this to be the case. You should be her top priority. She for you as well. When the smoke clears, kids are gone from the nest what do we have left but each other. If that connection is lost along the way, at the time the nest becomes empty, there were be two people standing there like total strangers to one another.


Correct. This is very common for parents with YOUNG children. Heck many people don't even THINK about priorities, but I think it's an important thing to keep in mind. 

It helps you focus better and apply actions as needed.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Sometimes this works. Plus you get a whole bunch of crap done you been meaning to do.
> 
> Stop the flowers, cards and little notes for a bit. See if she recognizes these little gestures of affection dried up.


Agreed

little taste of her own **** goes a long way


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## nb2wheels (Oct 3, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> Perhaps she is nearing the "change?" I've heard that can play with womens hormone levels something fierce.


Thats kinda what I was thinking, but if its gonna be like this til death due us part...I probably wont make it that long


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## nb2wheels (Oct 3, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> I don't think she is cheating, I don't think she loves you any less, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you feel. I have no advice, because I've never been in THAT long term of a marriage before. But I think it's a good thing the two of you can talk. Perhaps she is nearing the "change?" I've heard that can play with womens hormone levels something fierce.





Yeswecan said:


> I believe this to be the case. You should be her top priority. She for you as well. When the smoke clears, kids are gone from the nest what do we have left but each other. If that connection is lost along the way, at the time the nest becomes empty, there were be two people standing there like total strangers to one another.
> 
> It appears you have become a roommate. It is repairable. Be persistent with your feelings/concerns about it. If, down the road, something crops up from your W about your relationship it will leave very little question that you expressed these feelings and concerns in the past. They were summarily ignored.


Thank you, I will bring the subject up with her again!


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## nb2wheels (Oct 3, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> How old are you guys? Is it possible she is hitting menopause? How often are you having sex? You said 2 days ago she initiated sex, why are you feeling ignored today?


I'm 44 she is 47, I would say on average we have sex 2x per month and I'm feeling Ignored, because 2 days later we are back to being roommates (thanks for that yeswecan). Its not all about sex, I wish she would just act like I'm important to her, does that make any sense?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

My W and I have been married for 20 years. We, at my own hand, became roommates. She always expressed she wanted more affection from me. I felt I was doing enough working and paying bills, etc. That was my piss poor way of showing affection. Well, I woke up one day to discover I mismanaged a great portion of our marriage. I turned that around. In her words, I have come full circle in meeting her needs in all aspects. It as nothing short of breath taking to hear that. 

It appears your W is mismanaging a portion of your marriage. That portion is you. Gently explain to her at the end of the day, when the smoke clears, there will be one person standing there to support and love her no matter what. That person is you. You would like to feel the same way when at the end of your day she would be standing there to support and love you no matter what.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

nb2wheels said:


> I'm 44 she is 47, I would say on average we have sex 2x per month and I'm feeling Ignored, because 2 days later we are back to being roommates (thanks for that yeswecan). Its not all about sex, I wish she would just act like I'm important to her, does that make any sense?


Makes perfect sense. I would say a majority here at TAM see this as perfect sense.

EDIT: I see she is 47. Good chance the change of life is working. My W is 42. She has already started experiencing changes in the cycle.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Wellcome aboard, nb2

I have been where you are, and managed to get through it with a much better relationship. I will tell you, it wasn't without much effort and guidance. Not getting into it too much, I will tell you it took you both a good while to settle into these habits and behaviors, and depending on how ingrained they have become, it will take time and patience to change. The good news is if you have a good foundation you can correct the course and you both can have the relationship you want.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

One thing that stands out to me is that you seem to be over reaching. We have a flexible boundary I think in our relationships where both partners have to make some effort to meet in the middle somewhere in order to have the loving relationship they both want. On her side, she is getting very distracted with life and kids etc and has pulled back a little from that line and diverted her energies elsewhere. In response, you have pushed your energy further into her area to compensate. This isn't a long term solution as it gives her a new 'norm' for her effort levels required, and it makes you feel like you are expending too much for too little.

I think you could improve this situation because you are both very committed to each other. I think you need to pull back, not completely, but enough to make her notice. Things might get worse for a little while, but in order to correct the balance, you have to adjust your own behaviour to cause a reaction in her that will make her work harder to keep the relationship at the level she wants (deep down, though she may not be showing it right now).


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Just to expand upon what I meant, because I'm not advocating you doing the 180 or anything. What I mean is showing and expressing appropriate and honest responses to what is happening.

E.g. She hasn't initiated/wanted sex for two weeks. You would think a normal response to this might be a husband starting to get frustrated, annoyed, impatient, less affectionate. These I think would be normal and honest responses to the situation. Instead, to try and interest her in sex you may be kissing and cuddling, rubbing her feet, telling her she looks beautiful etc. Basically, showing her that everything is A OK. Well, it's not A OK. You're not feeling loved, you're not feeling satisfied. Just be honest about it. When she asks why you are in such a bad mood, well, "we haven't had sex for two weeks, what do you expect".

One thing to remember if you go the honesty route is that at no point do you need to make her feel like divorce is an option. You can even tell her, divorce is not an option for you, that you'd live in a miserable marriage with her, but one thing you can stop doing is being dishonest in your actions. There needs to be consequences for neglect. A PITA husband may have to be one of them, lol.

Note: I love my brutally honest PITA husband. Being honest about how he felt was one thing that saved our marriage from being miserable.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Not seeing too many red flags but if they appear NEVER say she would never. You do need to find the cause of her loss of attraction.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

nb2wheels said:


> I'm 44 she is 47, I would say on average we have sex 2x per month and I'm feeling Ignored, because 2 days later we are back to being roommates (thanks for that yeswecan). Its not all about sex, I wish she would just act like I'm important to her, does that make any sense?


That makes complete sense. At her age, she probably is going through those changes. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen over night. During this time, she may not initiate sex - that's not to say you shouldn't be having sex, just that she may not be thinking about it..at all...If she loves you, she can find a way to make it work by putting some effort into reminding herself to initiate. 

My FIL wanted to divorce my MIL when she was going through menopause. My H said he remembers all of that quite well. They were fighting everyday and FIL said he thought he was going to run away to another country. She made it through menopause - so did he. They seem really happy now. 

So, it is rough - but not impossible to get through, but she has to be on board with making it work. 

You need to tell your wife how important this is. I know your told her a few days ago, but sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel. Don't worry if she cries. You will feel bad, but this is something she needs to hear. Tell her if things continue this way, that you're not sure you can see yourself staying in the marriage (you said, you feel like you can't do this until death do you part). She needs to know that. 

Once you have told her...specifically...what you need from her - give her some time with reminders..like 6 months or a year...whatever you feel comfortable with. Tell her things really need to improve by that time or you're going to consider separation. You deserve to feel loved by your spouse. If she can't have sex with you, she most certainly can do other things. This seems simple to me to show your spouse you care for them, but for some it's more difficult. 

Usually, I don't agree with the stopping all affection thing that others have posted. Only because it usually leads to a circle where both of you aren't doing things for each other and you're both p*ssed. 

However, in this case I think she needs to know what it feels like to not have your full attention all of the time. She seems to take it for granted. So, take some time and do some things for yourself. Go after work to a bar or pub and watch a game - have a beer. Hang out with friends or family, get some old projects (or new ones) done. There are so many things you can do for yourself. Now is the time to get them done!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Your son is older and her focus is much broader than yours. Have you attempted just taking her instead of romancing her? It is tough to think sex when there are so many other things that need to be done and other demands on you. If you can take her and she likes it then you will have to accept that the dynamics have changed because life has changed but there are alternate approaches available.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You ever watch a dog and cat play? The dog chases and chases and chases, and the cat runs and runs and runs. But sometimes the dog figures out that he's not catching the cat and that the chase is pointless, so he stops chasing, turns around and walks away. You know what happens next? That's right, the cat starts chasing.

So think about yourself and the romantic gestures, the notes, the texts, the back rubs, doing the dishes....all of it. You're the dog my friend. And you're chasing chasing chasing.


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