# My gf, who's been separated from her husband for over 10 years wants me to move in to her marital home.



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I know there's so many red flags with this situation.

We've been in a relationship for two years now. In the beginning, I didn't care that they never divorced because I didn't have to totally commit and her husband lives in a different state with his AP. Plus, I didn't want a "relationship" anyway at the time, yet two years later, here we are.

They continue stay married because of health insurance and financial reasons. Plus, neither of them really care. He has lived with his AP for this whole time and she doesn't even care. Plus, I think she manipulates her husband to continue paying the mortgage. Alimony without legally divorcing I guess.

Her 'marital' home is a little far for it to convenient for my work, my daughter's school, my friends, and my hike & bike trail, which I seem to frequent almost every day. All that would change if I moved in with her. At the moment, I have a 5 minute walk to work, 2 miles from my daughter's high school, and a block away from my hiking trail.

Personally, I wish they would sell their 5-bedroom house, which is way to big anyway, and we can rent a place close to where I am at now. She works close to where I live anyway, so that makes more sense.

I think if I moved in to her marital home, it would create resentments over time. Deep down, it does bother me that doesn't want to give up her house and divorce until I give her a ring.

If she was legally divorced and wasn't in her marital home, it would be an easier decision. She also has to learn some independence before we move in together.

My lease is up in a couple months, so I have to decide soon. Personally, I'm happy if I stay put. It's just hard taking turns going to each others place.

I'd be grateful for y'all to knock some sense into me.


update: after a little over a week, a lot has changed. I talked to my daughter about the situation. My daughter likes my gf and they get along great, but she wouldn't want to move out to her house. She would be ok moving to a bigger place in the area if we needed a bigger place. Personally, she is happy where she is at and we have a really good system with our custody agreements that has been working out near perfect. The only times that we had issues was when my gf didn't like it when schedules changed. not an issue anymore.

I did tell my gf that I'm going to renew my lease and stay put. She's trying to make me feel bad now. 

I think y'all saved me from a nightmare. 

Thanks.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I dunno. Not real helpful either way this first post I guess, because I'm going back and forth on yes, no.

Leaning no, but there may be ways to mitigate potential issues, so poss yes.

Clear as mud. I see your point on this.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

She's legally married with all the legal and financial obligations and liabilities that entails. It's a home owned by her and her husband. At best, you'd be a tenant. A tenant, mind you, that contributes to the bills in a home he has no say and no stake in because it belongs to his GF and her HUSBAND.

On top of that, she's unwilling to divorce until she gets a ring. So, basically, she doesn't give a flying fig about her husband and wants naught to do with him, but she does like the money he pays for her upkeep every month.

She had a man who gave her a ring. And look how that worked out for him. He's still legally tied to her and she's going to cling to him like grim death until some other sucker agrees to take on legal and financial responsibility for her.

Good God, man, have some respect for yourself. Continue seeing her if you must, but don't put a ring on it or move into her husbands house with her! At least make her cut the apron strings before even considering moving forward.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

She is still married financially to her H. He is paying the mortgage and other stuff. And....if you moving in does not work out you get to leave with your things and your GF still has her house. How grand it its for her!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

nope. I would not do that. too many complications.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Sounds like the perfect scenario... if it doesn't work out, just move out.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> She's legally married with all the legal and financial obligations and liabilities that entails. It's a home owned by her and her husband. At best, you'd be a tenant. A tenant, mind you, that contributes to the bills in a home he has no say and no stake in because it belongs to his GF and her HUSBAND.
> 
> On top of that, she's unwilling to divorce until she gets a ring. So, basically, she doesn't give a flying fig about her husband and wants naught to do with him, but she does like the money he pays for her upkeep every month.
> 
> ...



Definitely see your point. She manipulates her husband because he cheated and she is subtly trying to manipulate me, even though she may not know she is doing that. Even though she has a nice home, I don't like being there because it reminds me she is still married. At least when she came to my play, I was able to ignore it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Why are you willing to be involved with a woman whose integrity you so clearly question? 😳

What are you getting out of all this?



Trickster said:


> Definitely see your point. She manipulates her husband because he cheated and she is subtly trying to manipulate me, even though she may not know she is doing that. Even though she has a nice home, I don't like being there because it reminds me she is still married. At least when she came to my play, I was able to ignore it.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

attheend02 said:


> Sounds like the perfect scenario... if it doesn't work out, just move out.


Another downside would be my daughter would have to deal with the aftermath. She did amazingly well when I divorced because we put her first. This move would be difficult for her.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

minimalME said:


> Why are you willing to be involved with a woman whose integrity you so clearly question? 😳
> 
> What are you getting out of all this?


Anxiety at the moment


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Trickster said:


> Another downside would be my daughter would have to deal with the aftermath. She did amazingly well when I divorced because we put her first. This move would be difficult for her.


Yeah - I'm sure there are lots of factors. I was "kind of" joking. 
It sounds like there is a lot of unfinished business there.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

I do know separated couples that have had long term relationships without issue. It was easier to stay married than get divorced and nobody seemed to mind.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

One problem is I don't believe people should move into one of their existing places. It's just a bad idea because it means one person is essentially homeless despite having a place to go home to. It still isn't theirs even if they pay all or some of the household expenses. Whosever place it is will be doing all the dictating, which renders the other person a guest in what is supposed to be their home. People moving in together should get a place together so it belongs to both of them and no one to do the dictating. And, if you break up, you're automatically the one who has to move....again.

Another problem particular to your situation is she's looking for a sugar daddy. She's not letting go of the current one until she has another one lined up. It's your decision whether to let that be you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Trickster said:


> Anxiety at the moment


Well, that’s telling you something.

Nope. Don’t do it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

No way would I inconvenience my kid to convenience a married woman (no matter what she tells you of their arrangement).

Do not move into that home and inflict drama and insecurity into your child's life.

IMHO, you should rethink what you are pursuing with this woman.

The only way forward with her is she formalizes the end of her marriage.

Otherwise, stay put and move on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Feels like she is hedging. I would be weary of the situation.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

With a child, that kind of directs the decision to no. It would be putting your welfare somewhat in the hands of another. Where that and this situation may not be the total worst for a younger adult living the single life its really a no, if a child is involved.

Better to remain independent and self sufficient for sure.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Trickster said:


> I know there's so many red flags with this situation.
> 
> We've been in a relationship for two years now. In the beginning, I didn't care that they never divorced because I didn't have to totally commit and her husband lives in a different state with his AP. Plus, I didn't want a "relationship" anyway at the time, yet two years later, here we are.
> 
> ...


Not no but hell no.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

How easy is it to manipulate an ex into paying for your things still if you're not having sex with him? Seriously. Men don't just do that.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

StarFires said:


> One problem is I don't believe people should move into one of their existing places. It's just a bad idea because it means one person is essentially homeless despite having a place to go home to. It still isn't theirs even if they pay all or some of the household expenses. Whosever place it is will be doing all the dictating, which renders the other person a guest in what is supposed to be their home. People moving in together should get a place together so it belongs to both of them and no one to do the dictating. And, if you break up, you're automatically the one who has to move....again.
> 
> Another problem particular to your situation is she's looking for a sugar daddy. She's not letting go of the current one until she has another one lined up. It's your decision whether to let that be you.


That's about what I told her.


michzz said:


> No way would I inconvenience my kid to convenience a married woman (no matter what she tells you of their arrangement).
> 
> Do not move into that home and inflict drama and insecurity into your child's life.
> 
> ...



This may make the most sense. She's had over a decade to move on with her life. her youngest is in his mid 20's so even if she stayed in the house until he went to college, she's had plenty of time to detach and even divorce. even though my daughter, likes her and is ok hanging out at her house on weekends, moving would be hard on her.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> How easy is it to manipulate an ex into paying for your things still if you're not having sex with him? Seriously. Men don't just do that.



for the life of me, I don't understand why her husband continue this arrangement, unless it's cheaper to do that than divorce and liquidate other assets that he may not want to do.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sex. And he probably doesn't want to make her mad because he's still carrying a torch, even if he appears to have moved on. Bottom line, neither of them want to divorce.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Trickster said:


> Definitely see your point. She manipulates her husband because he cheated and she is subtly trying to manipulate me, even though she may not know she is doing that. Even though she has a nice home, I don't like being there because it reminds me she is still married. At least when she came to my play, I was able to ignore it.


No. She manipulates her husband because she is manipulative. 

A woman with integrity who is righteously pissed her husband cheated would have filed for divorce, did the asset and debt division, and moved forward without an albatross of a sham marriage continuing to tie her to him legally and financially. 

Either she can't let go of him or she can't let go of his money. Neither bodes well for you.



Trickster said:


> Another downside would be my daughter would have to deal with the aftermath. She did amazingly well when I divorced because we put her first. This move would be difficult for her.


You might want to consider what your daughter is learning from all this. At this point, Dad is dating a married woman who is staying married to leech money from her estranged husband and refusing to retract the claws she has in him until she has a new man to attach to her financially. What kind of message does that send to your teenager about marriage, adult romantic relationships, how adult women and men should behave, etc? Not a good one.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Trickster said:


> I know there's so many red flags with this situation.
> 
> We've been in a relationship for two years now. In the beginning, I didn't care that they never divorced because I didn't have to totally commit and her husband lives in a different state with his AP. Plus, I didn't want a "relationship" anyway at the time, yet two years later, here we are.
> 
> ...


Honestly, I was leaning "_eh, sure... why not?"_ until I got to the paragraph I bolded above. I'm leaning "_Hard No"_ now.

Assuming she wouldn't be charging you rent, and you could always just move out and get your own place again, I don't see the harm. Save money, and see if you're compatible enough to eventually marry and get a new place, or get her Ex's name off the mortgage and assume this one.

But if being in her marital house creeps you out AND is inconvenient for you and your daughter, I'd say don't do it. Tell her your reasons and leave it at that.

This is a good point:


minimalME said:


> Why are you willing to be involved with a woman whose integrity you so clearly question? 😳
> 
> What are you getting out of all this?


And Your answer to this is pretty lousy... I'd keep my own space here if I were you. Let her adjust to your life, not vice versa.

She doesn't have kids of her own living there, does she?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Nailhead said:


> She is still married financially to her H. He is paying the mortgage and other stuff. And....if you moving in does not work out you get to leave with your things and your GF still has her house. How grand it its for her!


She will probably want you to help with the mortgage, I mean pay rent to live there.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

I'm not even sure why you would want to. You have a kid and that is your number one responsibility.

And, you do realize, she is still responsible for his debts unless they are legally separated. If he goes into hospital and they aren't divorced or legally separated, guess what? She's responsible.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't understand why you would date a woman who has an estranged husband. Is there some excitement to this arrangement?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Trickster she treats her husband like this... how the hell might she treat you in the long term?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Trickster said:


> Deep down, it does bother me that doesn't want to give up her house and divorce until I give her a ring.





Trickster said:


> her youngest is in his mid 20's





Trickster said:


> my daughter's high school,


OK I red pretty much all of this and I agree more red flags than a may day parade. 
But the bit that just sticks in my craw is here is a woman who doesn't care about marriage, and demands one.
So you two are in my age range, my youngest is early twenties. Here is what I'm thinking, Call her bluff. 
But you have an obligation to your daughter, so first renew your lease. You are living where your daughter wants to live until she graduates HS.
So that is 1 or 2 or 3 or 3.5 years. Then take her a symbolic ring, (not a diamond for pete's sake). Tell her she has X years to finalize the divorce and split the property. Then after she has removed the bigamy issue, you will marry her with a proper ring. There is no reason for the ball to be in your court. You are legally , financially, and emotionally ready to dte and even marry. You have made your play. She on the other hand hasn't shown up for the game yet. Calling her bluff puts the ball back firmly in her court. It also lays down your boundaries (no moving until after HS, no bigamy). 
Her life is inconvenient because you don't live under her roof. Her solution is to dump the inconvenience on you and your daughter. It's a poor decision from a very selfish viewpoint. The BS about the ring is a sideshow. She doesn't care if you ever marry her. If she did, she would prepare for that by doing the divorce. bigamy is illegal in all 50.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She just sounds like a taker to me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Ok, I see that she has estranged for 10 years. So do you know who your predecessor was?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I don't understand why you would date a woman who has an estranged husband. Is there some excitement to this arrangement?


It wouldn't necessarily be significant. But if she's using her husband as a human ATM? That would give me more than pause for thought.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Trickster said:


> for the life of me, I don't understand why her husband continue this arrangement,


For the life of me, I don't understand why you are even with this woman. Sorry, but she sounds like a user and a taker. Cut your losses and find a woman who will respect you and want you for who you are and not as a financial resource.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why on Earth would you move away from your daughter's high school?!???!!?????? 

If she wants to live with you, she can rent out "their house" (the one she owns with her HUSBAND) and come live with you. Her children are out of the nest.


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## Vorpal (Feb 23, 2020)

I have some experience. Moved into a GF's house. Every dynamic changed. For the worse. After 6 months, moved out and found my own place near work, near my friends and near avocations. Away from drama 24/7 and away from "this is my place, we'll do it my way."

Imagine being with her 24/7. Imagine being a househusband, gardener, and Mr. Fixit for whatever goes wrong. 

Imagine being free. Oh, wait....you are free now. Why would you change?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Imagine when you're fed up with her she will never divorce you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Trickster said:


> Even though she has a nice home, I don't like being there because it reminds me she is still married


Did you ever tell her this? Also, it seems very impractical for your life to move there -- longer commute, schools, etc.
I think you need to have a non-emotional discussion as to why it wouldn't work at her place.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Trickster said:


> I know there's so many red flags with this situation.
> 
> We've been in a relationship for two years now. In the beginning, I didn't care that they never divorced because I didn't have to totally commit and her husband lives in a different state with his AP. Plus, I didn't want a "relationship" anyway at the time, yet two years later, here we are.
> 
> ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If she has no intention of divorcing her husband then stay away. Put your child first, its hard for teens to change schools, they have all their friends and interests right near by, and you have your work. If you really want to be with her despite the fact that she is married, give her 3 months to start the divorce process and if she hasnt by then then end it is my advise. Dont get a place together until she is actully divorced, otherwise if you do it now she will have no incentive..


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sort of unusual situation. I agree with @Mr. Nail.

Brainstorming here.

There are many possible reasons for her marital situation--religious, financial, family. Perhaps her ex has so much financially he prefers to contribute this way. Who would get the house if something happened to her? Who pays taxes on this large house--utilities, upkeep? Who makes emergency decisions?

He may feel guilt for his infidelity? There may be pressure on both GF and ex from many areas. WE do not know. But the complications of this scenario could be many.

She works, is she eliglble for health insurance? He might even contribute this amount to her anyway. Perhaps, you know more but do not choose to say.

Your daughter is important and a great reason not to move. Kids this age NEED to be with friends, social groups, to have the ability to easily participant in after-school activities. Is your ex involved with daughter--what would change?

I know a couple who have an extensive group of legal contracts because they do not choose to marry--a bit of a different situation. You would be giving up too much in my opinion if you sacrificed your life for hers.


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

I vote no. Don’t complicate your nice life, the convenience you have with your daughter & your routines you enjoy. Your girlfriend has issues. Enjoy her company on your terms. She really needs to unload the Ex before playing house with you. Good luck 🍀


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It took you awhile to finally call time on your marriage. As I recall, at least part of that was because you didn’t want to disrupt your daughter’s life. So don’t disrupt it now either.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There are many easy no's, and only queasy yeses.

I vote no.

Too risky.

Find a new GF, with only such baggage that one decent man can bear with his arms, and legally carry.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I wouldn’t do anything moving in wise or a ring until she is divorced. Separation is one thing and I think ok to start moving on. Especially with her husband living with his affair partner. How could she expect you and your daughter to move into a place that her husband is paying for.

Don’t move in with her. No ring until she divorces her husband.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Trickster said:


> Definitely see your point. She manipulates her husband because he cheated and she is subtly trying to manipulate me, even though she may not know she is doing that.* Even though she has a nice home, I don't like being there because it reminds me she is still married.* At least when she came to my play, I was able to ignore it.


So tell her that. Tell her there's no future for the two of you while she's still married. Tell her it isn't something you can argue or have a logical conversation about. It just is. If support from her not-ex is more important than a relationship with you, then obviously this is not LTR material.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

why are you investing years dating a married woman?

better just why are you dating a married woman?

better even is why you ignore being separated is not divorced?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

No.

Just no.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Wait... Did she really tell you she demands a ring from you before she will divorce her husband? 

A quality woman would have figured out finances and cleanly divorced and learned to stand on her own two feet financially, even if it was hard. 

I did.


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## young&sad (Nov 4, 2020)

I would hard pass out of that situation. She needs to learn to stand on her own before asking you to uproot your entire life, and your daughter's. Maybe she should consider renting out the house and moving elsewhere for a little.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you really want to teach your child that it is ok to date and then to live with a person who is married to another and to live in that person's marital home? That it's ok to uproot your child and do whatever the parent wants for the sake of easier sex?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Do you really want to teach your child that it is ok to date and then to live with a person who is married to another and to live in that person's marital home? That it's ok to uproot your child and do whatever the parent wants for the sake of easier sex?


Which of the two wants the easy sex?

Not OP...

His married GF might.

-or-

She senses OP is pulling away from her.
Hence, wanting him to move in, hence, the ring wanted.
She wants to keep close tabs on our poster.

OP already has a ring from her.
She put it in his nose, so as to jerk him closer.

Sex is a good thing, but not good enough on its own to justify marriage.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You should also think of your reputation. I would not date, seriously at least, a man who is capable of wasting years with a married woman. I would be worried that I can't provide enough drama for the guy.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Whatever you do, you are modeling life for your daughter. Don't be surprised if she grows up and brings home a married man or moves in with one if you modeled it. It might be ok with you, but if not - don't live your life contrary to a way you would want her to live hers


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s still married and wants a ring. Laughable.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

No offense, she's just reeling in her next simp. Oh, that's right. Wonder who that is.
Just some food for thought.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Trickster, honestly she doesn’t seem like a quality person. I think you deserve better than this. 

I vote a big fat NO on moving into her house 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Vorpal said:


> I have some experience. Moved into a GF's house. Every dynamic changed. For the worse. After 6 months, moved out and found my own place near work, near my friends and near avocations. Away from drama 24/7 and away from "this is my place, we'll do it my way."
> 
> Imagine being with her 24/7. Imagine being a househusband, gardener, and Mr. Fixit for whatever goes wrong.
> 
> Imagine being free. Oh, wait....you are free now. Why would you change?



ok. This made me laugh. I kind of like spending a little time apart. I would probably go nuts if it was 24/7 I actually enjoy my alone time.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

sunsetmist said:


> Sort of unusual situation. I agree with @Mr. Nail.
> 
> Brainstorming here.
> 
> ...



I would give up seeing my daughter during the week. It's far enough away to make commuting to school near impossible. It's also too far for her friends to have their sleep over nights. the more I think about it, my daughter could decide to stay with her mom full time and I would hardly ever see her.

I have 1 1/2 years until she graduates. I can wait until then to make any changes.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So I guess you're going to continue seeing this woman. I'd be very interested to know what you find attractive about her. And I'm not asking that to jump on you and go all judgmental. She must possess attributes you really like. What are those?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm not a fan of dating separated people. I've seen this play out more than once and they're usually still emotionally entangled with their spouse even if they're not getting back together.

Glad you decided to at least hold off moving in.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Until she ends her first marriage I cant see this relationship has any future. if she is really interested in you, then she would start the divorce process.


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