# New "member" here



## birmingham (Dec 4, 2013)

Hello, 

I am writing in the first 24 hours of confirmation of my husband's affair. According to him it only ended 2 months ago. When I started putting the pieces together last night (after I read angry emails from her -- looked like he was attempting to end the affair), I realized it has been going on for at least a year. I am still in shock but fortunately, able to go to work and function somewhat normally. I feel many things now, anger, foolishness, naivete. In a way, relief that my suspicions were confirmed (I'm not that crazy!). I'm puzzled also at my own ambivalence about staying with him. He confessed right away which sort of surprised me. Now I have no idea what's next. He seems remorseful but still avoiding me. this is something I never thought I'd be writing about -- very surreal experience! 
Birmingham


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm sorry you are here, this link is very helpful:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## birmingham (Dec 4, 2013)

Thank you! this is very helpful. Trying to stay strong.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I am very sorry you find yourself here. Just keep posting how you feel. It was therapeutic for me. You will waffle between leave him now and give him a chance. You don't have to decide right away.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Please keep reading, get info. Take some time to figure out what you want (be prepared for it to change as you process)

Have you exposed the OW and established firm NC rules along with a letter?


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## birmingham (Dec 4, 2013)

Thank you Different Guy. I'm so upset and the more I read here the more confused I am. I know it's still so early, it's like going through a death of sorts. There's the initial denial, then shock, etc. 
It is helping to communicate with strangers who are new allies as I don't want to tell my family (at least not yet).


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## birmingham (Dec 4, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> Please keep reading, get info. Take some time to figure out what you want (be prepared for it to change as you process)
> 
> Have you exposed the OW and established firm NC rules along with a letter?


Hi Kristin, yes and no. it's a little more complicated as his affair was a LDR in another country (where he is from, so he goes there more often than I do). He's already agreed verbally to not contact her anymore. I checked his email account tonight and he's already deleted all of OW emails. We haven't sat down and discussed it ftf yet. 
I was hoping he would have taken the night off of work to meet me but he is working tonight. He's avoiding me he says b/c he feels very ashamed. I'm so angry inside but am keeping my cool.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

I understand. I am 3 months out from finding out about my wife's cheating. I haven't told anyone, but some counselors, my pastor, my boss, and the great people here.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Exposing is a wonderful tool to help stop the current affair and hopefully future affairs. 

Affairs like the dark and not the light of day. Sometimes cheating spouses take the affair underground after being caught.

Expose, expose and expose.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

harrybrown said:


> Exposing is a wonderful tool to help stop the current affair and hopefully future affairs.
> 
> Affairs like the dark and not the light of day. Sometimes cheating spouses take the affair underground after being caught.
> 
> Expose, expose and expose.


There are pros and cons in exposing.

I lean towards exposing in most cases.

Exposure for the most part is a tool to end the affair. It puts eyes on the parties involved. If the woman is married expose it to her family. Here are some things to consider. 

1. Get tested for STDs. And have your husband tested as well and ensure that he signs a release for those labs to be sent to you.
2. Get as much detail as you need. I wanted all the details. I am haunted by some. I have a recording of my wife having sex three times in one meeting with her XOM. I am still haunted by hearing the moans etc.
3. Go see an attorney. If for nothing more to get advice on your legal options. Don't let your husband know about this. You have pleanty of time to decide what course of action you will take, but getting legal advice early will help you in future decisions.
4. Don't be in a hurry to forgive. You have just been slammed. Your emotions will be all over the place. Learn as much as you can about the emotions you will experience.
5. Expect your husband to lie. Cheaters typically follow a script. They will often trickle truth. Tell you a little here and there.
6. NC - no contact. Have your husband write a letter to the woman. You should review this letter. It should state among other things that she should never be in contact with him ever.
7. Don't focus on the "why". Don't ever believe that any of this is your fault. Your husband is 100% at fault. You did not cause him to do this. The why will drive you batty. We tend to want to know why. Take it from me, it is not worth the time at this point.
8. Don't be in a hurry to go to marriage counseling (MC). If your husband comes clean on everything, shows remorse, has ended the affair, then MC may be helpful, but don't jump into it too soon. 
9. Your life will be a roller coaster for a while. Anger, bitterness, depression, crying, etc will be your gift and it is a very unpleasant gift. Your ride for the next several days, weeks, months will not be fun. Expect your emotions to be all over the place.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Exposing is a wonderful tool to help stop the current affair and hopefully future affairs.
> 
> Affairs like the dark and not the light of day. Sometimes cheating spouses take the affair underground after being caught.
> 
> Expose, expose and expose.


THIS!!
Tell everyone...before the WS tells friends/family their warped twisted self serving version of the story...it eliminates all possible sources of support where the ws intends on lying and trickle truthing...they cant turn to anyone who doesnt already know about it, thus they have to face what they did


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

So sorry you're here but many of us feel your pain. I am only 2 weeks out from finding out my wife was having an affair and I know that numb feeling you're having.

Luckily, I have been able to keep it together for work although it is very hard to concentrate sometimes. You're going to get all sorts of advice on here, but you have to do what you feel is best for you.

Take your time, let your emotions settle a bit before making big decisions. I never thought I would be here posting in this section but here I am almost every day. Its horrible but try to keep your head up and move forward.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Thornburn is right on with his next steps. Please heed his advice. I did not expose right away and it kicked me in the ass. Exposure is the only sure way to kill an Affair.

My wife sent no contact letter, I read her texts and emails to stay away but they ended up talking again and seeing each other.

Sorry you are here and get yourself to a doctor ASAP


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

birmingham said:


> I realized it has been going on for at least a year. I am still in shock but fortunately, able to go to work and function somewhat normally. I feel many things now, anger, foolishness, naivete. *In a way, relief that my suspicions were confirmed (I'm not that crazy!). *I'm puzzled also at my own ambivalence about staying with him.
> 
> ... this is something I never thought I'd be writing about -- *very surreal experience! *


Birm,

4+ years out from catching my wife cheating. 

I too in some "warped" way was relieved when I knew the truth. Our marriage had turned into a grind and nothing I tried seem to matter to her. In truth, Cheaters are not just betraying vows... they are stealing years from your life. 

The roller-coaster is just pulling out of the station. You quote a "very surreal experience". Yes indeed. You will question if anything with your H was ever real. Was it all just a game, a make believe world? Were you just a stand-in to look good for the pictures, the family? All the while he pursued his secret agenda. 

You say he is avoiding. Yes, I imagine he is ashamed. Tough! It's time he brought you up to speed on just who he really is. In the weeks, months ahead you will have to make a decision. All BS eventually do. It needs to be an informed one. 

One final... Cheating and the emotional high that goes with can be an addictive behavior. There is a real possibility that the affair caught is not the first he has engaged in.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I like exposing BUT NOT AT WORK unless you are out to destroy the person.

You will go through many phases. Im guestimating your ambivalence is based on the pain somewhat being offset at relief that you were not crazy and right all along.


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## birmingham (Dec 4, 2013)

Thank you all for your responses. It's so difficult to read but very important. God, how naive I was!!!


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

birmingham said:


> Thank you all for your responses. It's so difficult to read but very important. God, how naive I was!!!


isn't it crazy how blind we can be?

when i discovered my husband had slept with another woman last year and i had no freaking idea, it really threw me for a loop. 

i'm new here too, been lurking for a while, but i've seen lots of great advice given. 
take care of yourself and good luck.


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## birmingham (Dec 4, 2013)

day 4? since D-Day. I've been sick so unable to form a thorough or consistent thought. I have several fleeting thoughts though and appreciate your feedback:

1. The idea of exposing. I like it but I also feel my own shame about exposing, like it's a vengeful act. I feel like it's going to really hurt the people I tell (my family especially). it's going to make things messier and less controlled. Right now I need to be in control and I feel that if I expose on a big level I'll lose that control. 
2. Cultural differences especially regarding infidelity. H is from a different culture which has a history of machismo (most do, I know). What didn't surprise me about the affair was the reported principal reason: he wanted more sex. He'd told me about this in the past. I am just not as interested in sex and it has been a problem in the past (something I know needs my acknolwedgment). My concern is that the affair became EA as well as PA. 
3. How much time and energy to spend on the OW? She is in a dfferent country. I don't know her but I know a lot of people there so I want to know more about her. I am thinking of hiring a PI to do some background checking. I don't want to run into her some day without knowing who she is! At the same time I don't want to waste my energy on her.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Im usually a big fan of exposure to family. Then again culture may make him a hero for boning a different female. YMMV.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

RWB said:


> Birm,
> 
> 4+ years out from catching my wife cheating.
> 
> ...


Has your marriage gotten better now 4+ years out?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@birmingham I saw your recent post on my thread. What is your status? Let us know so we can help you!


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