# Can a wife be "too affectionate"?



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I think I may have become a bit of the proverbial doormat.

I tend to be extremely affectionate with my H. We both have physical touch as our top love language, but I can't keep my hands off him and I'm always telling him I love him, offering him things, etc. I sometimes wonder if this could get old for him, make him feel suffocated, mothered, etc. I asked him today and he said no, he loves it - which was a huge relief because it's what comes naturally to me. 

So my question is for both men and women: Men: would it drive you nuts if your wife were constantly all over you, basically running after you asking you if you need anything, a lot of unsolicited physical contact? Women: do you do this? 

It's gone into high gear this weekend as H has a mild cold - I've been practically falling over myself squeezing oranges, running out to the pharmacy, baking him a cake (that one was his request, to be honest, but he wouldn't have asked if I didn't have a history of falling over myself to make him anything he wants at the drop of a hat), making homemade soups, tucking blankets around him, making smoothies, fawning over him, bringing him newspapers, etc etc. 

If he were to tell me that it was too much, I think it would be very hard for me to accept. I think a big part of the "physical touch" love language for me is being the one who shows love rather than receiving. 

So... I think I might be turning into a doormat. As long as he doesn't get turned off by that, and I'm not feeling used or resentful, I don't know that it's a bad thing. I have been warned by others that if I "spoil" him now, it will be almost impossible to get him "un-used" to all this later, if I end up feeling used. 

As a quick example, we had been living in our last apartment for 5 months when I asked him to put something in the freezer for me; he couldn't figure out how to open the freezer door because he'd never done so in 5 months of living there! He literally doesn't even get a glass of water for himself!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

MEM has a great thread about this called the thermostat:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

The problem with being too affectionate is that your spouse may feel smothered and lose respect for you. You are his wife, not his mother, and you need to be an equal partner with him. If he truly doesn't feel overwhelmed by your treating him this way, then don't worry. 

But your gut is telling you that you need to dial back the obsequious behavior, so I would make a conscious effort to cool things off a bit. It will feel awkward at first, but after a few weeks it will become second nature.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I love the concepts of "5 Love Languages". I would also recommend to you the book "His Needs, Her Needs". You might find that while his love language may be physical touch, there are also other areas that you can capitalize on to bring the most out of him. You both would probably benefit from it. 

To answer your question, though, it can get a little of for ME because I'm not a touch person.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes and you can be too rich, too famous, too beautiful, have too many people love and adore you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would classify myself as an overly affectionate wife. But NOT in the suffocating motherly sense, but in the affectionately "seductive" sense. It is more... I can't keep my hands off of him sexually, anytime I am near they gravitate to those places all men want our hands to go too and not let go. I do alot of "I want you's" equally as much as I love you's. 

Heaven forbid, if HE didn't like this, I would find it emotionally crushing for one... then I seriously think it would pi** me off. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about this, cause he CRAVES it . Plus he is just as touchy Feely as me. 


If your husband is truly a Physical Toucher like yourself, and he is not showing boredom, if he makes comments to how wonderful you are to him, then all should be good. Unless you are feeling like a doormat, maybe you are resenting doing so much . I am not the type to get my husband every glass of water, only if I am up & ask if he wants something kinda thing. We pretty near do for ourselves -except me making him breakfast before work, meals, packing his lunch. 


Now, on the other hand, the possibly "suffocating Motherly doormat" part of this, I have a single girlfriend like this, she is NOT very sexual at all but .....extremely "motherly", she almost needs a "needy man", this works for her. It has turned men off, even my husband said that would drive him crazy, she dated a guy I fixed her up with for a time, he didn't like it either, it was just "too much". 

My thoughts.... turn some of that waiting on hand & foot motherly affection and put your energys into more of the Seductress affection, I just doubt he will get tired of that any time soon, he will be wanting to serve you, become your doormat. 

For instance, if my husband got sick, I would do the whole chicken soup thing too, sure, all that other stuff you mentioned probably wouldn't even enter my mind (tucking him in, jumping at his every request) but I could see me laying there with him, after he's done with that soup, touching him all over, massaging him, even maybe leading to a BJ, just to take his mind off of his aching back, sore throat, whatever it is, using pleasure for my aimed "affection". Nothing motherly about that!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Sounds good to me!! I would be fine with that  and in the end as long as he loves it that's all that matters.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Brian. said:


> Most women are not affectionate enough! So no I don't believe a wife can be too affectionate since it's mostly the other way around.


Stop with this "most women" BULLSHET! I'm really getting fed up.

Some women are not affectionate enough, just like some men are not affectionate enough.

Regarding the OP, I am the same way as yourself. My husband likes it  I guess it works for us.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

> But your gut is telling you that you need to dial back the obsequious behavior, so I would make a conscious effort to cool things off a bit. It will feel awkward at first, but after a few weeks it will become second nature.


Do not do this if it's just to play games/get a reaction/engineer a response. You say you enjoy this dynamic and he says he enjoys it as well. It is this pervasive advice over the past years/decades that, in my opinion, damages relationships more than it helps. 



> So... I think I might be turning into a doormat. As long as he doesn't get turned off by that, and I'm not feeling used or resentful, I don't know that it's a bad thing. I have been warned by others that if I "spoil" him now, it will be almost impossible to get him "un-used" to all this later, if I end up feeling used.


You say you like the situation and I'm not sure why you would let others' opinions interfere in your relationship with your husband. We seem to always want to encourage people to find faults that aren't really there in some faux attempt at seeking "balance" instead of letting things play out naturally. I can tell you OP from your post that they don't make many of you anymore.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think that some women can be too affectionate, yes. It could come across as smothering, too mothering, clingy, etc. But if your husband isn't pushing you away or otherwise indicating that it's a problem, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Personally, I thought it was borderline offensive to watch my dad hold out his coffee cup, and my mom to come running to fill it. I resolved in my teens not to treat my spouse like that; I don't want to take my partner for granted and not appreciate her. But apparently I can see (as I aged) that it works for them, so who am I to object? However, that could have gone the other way, if I would have determined that was the "proper" relationship for a husband and wife, and married someone who didn't feel the same way. Something to consider, anyway... In any case, your husband is fortunate to have someone who cares for him so much.

C


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> I think that some women can be too affectionate, yes. It could come across as smothering, too mothering, clingy, etc. But if your husband isn't pushing you away or otherwise indicating that it's a problem, I wouldn't worry about it too much.
> 
> Personally, I thought it was borderline offensive to watch my dad hold out his coffee cup, and my mom to come running to fill it. I resolved in my teens not to treat my spouse like that; I don't want to take my partner for granted and not appreciate her. But apparently I can see (as I aged) that it works for them, so who am I to object? However, that could have gone the other way, if I would have determined that was the "proper" relationship for a husband and wife, and married someone who didn't feel the same way. Something to consider, anyway... In any case, your husband is fortunate to have someone who cares for him so much.
> 
> C



I thought the same thing about my grandparents! I would comment to my gramma that she should not be his servant. She turned to me ( I was 13) and said, Someday you'll find someone that you WANT to do these things for...

I didn't believe her. Well, I didn't believe her until I met my husband. Now, I "get" it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I thought the same thing about my grandparents! I would comment to my gramma that she should not be his servant. She turned to me ( I was 13) and said, Someday you'll find someone that you WANT to do these things for...
> 
> I didn't believe her. Well, I didn't believe her until I met my husband. Now, I "get" it.


Well, I posted in the Ladies Forum before, about my GF wanting to do things for me, and trying to acknowledge that she truly wants to do these things for me. The same way that I want to do things for her, like changing her tire, putting a new hard drive in her computer, etc... You know, manly stuff!  

I am getting better at loosening my undies when it comes to letting her stuff for me. And I still respect her, and appreciate what she does for me.

As far as too affectionate physically, I got nothing. Both of us are apparently touchy-feely people, and are in pretty constant contact when we're in the same room. It doesn't seem possible to be too affectionate that way. But that's me (and her)... To someone who isn't on the same physical wavelength, it would likely drive them bonkers.

C


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

All right, lots of responses, general view seems to be "if it works for you, go with it" which is my gut feeling anyway. I have just read so many times about how women shouldn't let themselves turn into a doormat (and that word being used as an insult), etc. 

*that_girl*


> She turned to me ( I was 13) and said, Someday you'll find someone that you WANT to do these things for...
> 
> I didn't believe her. Well, I didn't believe her until I met my husband. Now, I "get" it.


This describes how I feel too. I never wanted to act like this with anyone else. My parents are sort of like this but I think more out of habit and their particular personalities than anything else. They're not very affectionate, but my mom does pretty much everything for my dad. 

*lovesherman*


> But your gut is telling you that you need to dial back the obsequious behavior, so I would make a conscious effort to cool things off a bit. It will feel awkward at first, but after a few weeks it will become second nature.


My gut isn't telling me to dial it back, it's more of an intellectual curiosity thing for me. My gut is telling me that this is how we are as a couple, and it feels right to me, but after a lot of reading, I started feeling insecure about whether I might be "suffocating" him (clinginess, demonstrative of affection) and thus pushing him away - so I asked him, and he said "no" - but then I wanted to see what others thought. I think if he had said, "well, maybe a little..." I would have been *shattered*.

*SimplyAmorous*


> For instance, if my husband got sick, I would do the whole chicken soup thing too, sure, all that other stuff you mentioned probably wouldn't even enter my mind (tucking him in, jumping at his every request) but I could see me laying there with him, after he's done with that soup, touching him all over, massaging him, even maybe leading to a BJ, just to take his mind off of his aching back, sore throat, whatever it is, using pleasure for my aimed "affection". Nothing motherly about that!


I like the way you think!  There is plenty of that too... but I wasn't too worried that I was "overdoing" that side of things, since I haven't read too many threads on TAM starting "my wife gives me too many BJs, how can I get her to stop."  Your post is right on with my experience too, on the sexual side of things!

*mr.rightaway*


> Do not do this if it's just to play games/get a reaction/engineer a response. You say you enjoy this dynamic and he says he enjoys it as well. It is this pervasive advice over the past years/decades that, in my opinion, damages relationships more than it helps.


That was my immediate thought when I read that too - I am very proud of the fact that we have a completely game-free marriage (and relationship before that). I love things as they are and he says he does too, so I'm going to go with what works. Everything I do comes naturally and is just me expressing how I feel, I'd rather not suppress my feelings AND deny him something he enjoys, unless he really honestly doesn't enjoy it.

*PBear*


> Personally, I thought it was borderline offensive to watch my dad hold out his coffee cup, and my mom to come running to fill it.


This was probably the sentence on this thread that made me think the hardest! It made me realize that I don't actually act like that in front of other people. When we're in public, or have people over, I'm much more "normal." I'll ask him to help me bring in the dishes, or whatever. And I tend to brag to my friends that he cleans the bathroom, takes out the trash, does the floors, and all the "deep" cleaning (this is true, by the way). We don't have children and aren't planning to, but I think if we did have children, I probably wouldn't do it in front of them either - which would mean really restricting the way we interact, since children are around a lot of the time! And to be honest, not changing the dynamic of our marriage is the #1 reason we decided not to have children - but you're definitely right. There's a very strong sense that you just don't do things like that in front of other people, much less children who are paying attention and developing ideas about how adult men/women interact.



> As far as too affectionate physically, I got nothing. Both of us are apparently touchy-feely people, and are in pretty constant contact when we're in the same room. It doesn't seem possible to be too affectionate that way. But that's me (and her)... To someone who isn't on the same physical wavelength, it would likely drive them bonkers.


It was important to me to be with someone who was on the save 'physical wavelength' (I like that phrase!) as me - not like I interviewed people, but I didn't feel a strong attraction to people who weren't like that. My husband, from the beginning, was very physical, and it was definitely a huge turn-on for both of us that we were both like that. We did the Love Languages test later (both of us) and we scored almost identically, which was kind of cool but just confirmed what we already understood without having seen it in writing.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

It is possible to be too affectionate. I messed around with a guy who was that way. When we first met he even admitted that he had a tendency to turn into a lost puppy. I thought it was cute and didn't really understand since I had never dealt with it. Well he NEVER took his hands off me! It was so annoying! And I'm a lovable, affectionate woman. Every couple of minutes when we were together he'd lean into my face for a kiss. Whenever he'd go to the bathroom or one of us would leave the room, he'd lean in for a kiss. Cute at first but afterwards I saw what he meant by "lost puppy." He didn't do everything for me though...I turned out to be somewhat of a "sugar mama" to him since his a$$ didn't have a job. Maybe this was his way of "paying me back?" Don't know but it's up to the couple and what their level of "too much" is.


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