# How to forgive?



## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

I have never been very good with forgivness, but I have never wanted to forgive someone as badly as I would love to forgive my husband for his EA. I feel like I just dont know how to forgive. HOw do I let it go, how do I stop thinking about it and bringing it up. Im not ready to leave him but Im not sure how to let go.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

You have to let good times replace the hurt. Eventually the hurt will fade, but it won't ever disappear. It's there to remind you not to trust completely nor blindly your spouse. Anyone can cheat given the right circumstances. Work on the present meeting each others needs and let time work its magic.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Has he done anything to help relieve your pain? Has he ended contact? Given you passwords? Talked to you why he felt the need to get involved with someone else? All of it helps to start to healing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am not sure you NEED to forgive. Forgiveness for some involves absolution, and I will never absolve my hubby for what he did. I am moving past it though, and slowly trusting that he will never do it again.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Realize that there is a difference between forgive and forget. I will never forget what my wife did to me, or what I did to her. I still get triggers regarding both of our transgressions nearly three years later. I know that I love my wife dearly and completely and will never hurt her like that again.
I also do my best to be the best husband, lover, and friend that I can be hoping that she will never look for attention elsewhere.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Not being able to forgive is the result of anger. Anger is the product of let down or betrayed. Seeing this reality helps to some extent. The mind takes time to come to understand this.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

Thanks. I know time will heal my wounds I just wish I can speed up the process. 
He works with her and says he has not talked to her, he no longer takes his phone everywhere with him, and yes I have ALL passwords. I check our phone records and there are no more phone calls or text messages. It really doesn't help that they work together and I have no way of truly knowing they stopped talking. He did explain why he did it. He liked the attention and she made him smile while we had problems. We are high school sweethearts and he hasn't been with anyone else. I really believe that we were drifting apart and her paying attention to him made him feel special. But he still can't tell me everything that was said. He says he doesn't remember and that he wants to move forward and forget this happened, she never meant anything to him and it was just something that made him smile while he was feeling down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

stressedmomandwife said:


> Thanks. I know time will heal my wounds I just wish I can speed up the process.
> He works with her and says he has not talked to her, he no longer takes his phone everywhere with him, and yes I have ALL passwords. I check our phone records and there are no more phone calls or text messages. It really doesn't help that they work together and I have no way of truly knowing they stopped talking. He did explain why he did it. He liked the attention and she made him smile while we had problems. We are high school sweethearts and he hasn't been with anyone else. I really believe that we were drifting apart and her paying attention to him made him feel special. But he still can't tell me everything that was said. He says he doesn't remember and that he wants to move forward and forget this happened, she never meant anything to him and it was just something that made him smile while he was feeling down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Trust me as a cheater and cheatee, he remembers every single second with her.
His reluctance to tell you is making it harder for you to get past it.

Ask yourself this, when you were with a new man(Hubby?) that you were head over heels in love with, have you forgotten things that you two said and did?
An affair is such a wonderful, but dangerous drug. It is mental crack. It makes the cheater feel like he or she is on cloud nine. Nothing else occupies the thought process. Work, kids, spouse, food, sleep, all take a backseat to the contact with a new love.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

stressedmomandwife said:


> Thanks. I know time will heal my wounds I just wish I can speed up the process.
> He works with her and says he has not talked to her, he no longer takes his phone everywhere with him, and yes I have ALL passwords. I check our phone records and there are no more phone calls or text messages. It really doesn't help that they work together and I have no way of truly knowing they stopped talking.


So you have little confidence in what he tells you now, Right?
Can you tell him this, so that he can make you feel that he has told you everything? 

If you presume that he has told you everything, then this lack of confidence will not be there. But what you have in your mind is that he is hiding something.




stressedmomandwife said:


> He did explain why he did it. He liked the attention and she made him smile while we had problems.


This in anyway does not absolve him from what he has done.



stressedmomandwife said:


> We are high school sweethearts and he hasn't been with anyone else. I really believe that we were drifting apart and her paying attention to him made him feel special. But he still can't tell me everything that was said. He says he doesn't remember and that he wants to move forward and forget this happened, she never meant anything to him and it was just something that made him smile while he was feeling down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All you need to do is keep patience and persevere. I know it takes time. Maybe he will tell you more in the time to come. Or there is really nothing more to what he has already told you. You need to wait....


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

To add:

One of the reason why he has not told you everything is his perceived fear of your reaction to the knowledge of what he has done. Try to create situation, warmth, he will tell you. Drive the fear or reluctance in him. I understand that you both were drifting and at that time he found this so called new love. Tell him you will not judge, nor react angrily. Make him feel this. This may work.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

There is no way to save your marriage if he continues to have contact with her. That MUST end.

Forgiving my wife was very difficult to do, but necessary to save our marriage. She took longer to forgive herself though. It was also important that I let her talk about her feelings even when I didn't want the subject mentioned anymore.

Your husband must answer every question you ask, no matter what it is. I warn you not to ask about details of their sex acts because the answer will haunt you.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Not being able to forgive is the result of anger. Anger is the product of let down or betrayed. Seeing this reality helps to some extent. The mind takes time to come to understand this.


Very true! I am still very angry. Betrayed is not something that is easy to get over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sven said:


> There is no way to save your marriage if he continues to have contact with her. That MUST end.
> 
> Forgiving my wife was very difficult to do, but necessary to save our marriage. She took longer to forgive herself though. It was also important that I let her talk about her feelings even when I didn't want the subject mentioned anymore.
> 
> *Your husband must answer every question you ask, no matter what it is. I warn you not to ask about details of their sex acts because the answer will haunt you.*


It is not possible for the BS to refrain from asking the details of sexual acts of WS with the AP. In fact, the doubts (dissatisfaction, gaps?) arise because of the need to know full details. The anger is understandable and requires a lot maturity to handle this.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

Nothing sexual happened, it was all just flirting back and forth. I have text her using his phone (I know sounds crazy but I couldn't believe anything he was saying so I felt the need to.) and pretended to be him, there was absolutely no touching/sexting. It was all flirtatious comments, ex: your hair looks nice, you have pretty eyes, you have a nice body etc. I just want to know very single comment made.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You will never know every single comment ever made. That's impossible. But if you're like me, you'll need to obsess about it for a while before you accept that.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You will never know every single comment ever made. That's impossible. But if you're like me, you'll need to obsess about it for a while before you accept that.


Does the urge to know more eventually go away? He insist that I know everything he remembers but if he remembers anything else he will tell me. But he's been saying "that's all" from the beginning and I somehow dig out more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

Hello,
I can very well relate to your anger. Trust me when I say you will get less angry with time, that being said however, even after time has past the anger will all of a sudden sneak up on you with a vengeance.
The one thing I can say is, it is very hard to forgive that kind of behavior. Time will help but you also need his willingness to help you through it the way YOU need to be helped. 
He needs to listen to you and do what you need him to do to help you through this. Make a list of things that are (now) important to you to feel 'safe' again (total transparency, access to e-mail accounts, cell phone texts etc. if thats what you need) The more open he is with you and makes the effort to be honest and transparent the quicker you will get past this.


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## marriedinpei (Jan 15, 2012)

To err is human, to forgive divine. But the cheating spouse has to take full responsibility, not deflect the blame. The cheating spouse needs to be remorseful and needs to structure their life based on complete openess. They must admit they have a problem and work to ensure that it never happens again.

A friend of mine cheated on his wife - once, drunk, business trip. He was so disgusted with himself. She was heartbroken. His job required him to travel on business, and she normally couldn't travel with him - her job, their kids etc. But they made a pact, that they would have one heck of a large phonebill but in the evenings they would be on the phone together. Now they skype. 

I guess you could say there are cheaters who truly earn their forgiveness ... and those who don't.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

He is willing to do anything to help me throu this, a list sounds like a great idea, I am definitely going to try it. I think the hard thing is to believe what he says. When I confronted him about the text messages he tried to lie over and over again, I told him I didn't want anything to do with him and that he needed to move out (out of anger). He asked if there was anything he can do to stay... Once I calmed down I told him he was not to talk to her, not to lie to me and not to delete anything from his phone. I told him to call her that night to tell her that she is not to talk to him and the type of relationship they have is inappropriate. He called but no answer, she text back the next morning and I had his phone so I text her back and told her that the way she talks to my husband is inappropriate and that she should have more respect for me and our kids. She responded that they R just friends and she is engaged and there's nothing going on. I told her she is to stay away from him. That same day, I left to the park with my kids and he text her that he was sorry for bringing her into this, and deleted the text message. I didn't find out until days later when I checked our phone records and saw an outgoing txt to her. I txt him to confront him and he tried to deny it, I sent him a pic of my computer screen and he admitted that he text her that he was sorry. I felt more betrayed than ever, the 3 things I ask him not to do are the first 3 things he did as soon as I walked out of the house. We had a long talk and decided that for our kids and because of the holidays we would be civil and I haven't caught him in another lie but how do I know there are no lies?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

I am sorry to say this but it sounds like they are still corresponding. The first thing he needs to do is stop ANY contact with her. As long as he is still talking to/texting with her there can't be any 'moving on.'

If he doesn't understand that he is not ready to give her up which means your relationship can't even begin to get better or be saved. Does he understand the ramification of still having any contact at all with her?


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

This happened the day after I caught him. I've been checking our phone records since then and there is nothing new. But they do work together and there is no way of me finding out if they talk at work. I ask him every day and he says no. A few times he said he had to ask her to hand her a binder because she works at the front desk. I asked him to keep his binder somewhere else and he says he moved it to the managers office. He says there is absolutely no reason for the, to talk anymore. He deleted her number from his phone. A couple weeks ago she called him and he didn't pick up, the her manager called right after and they needed a password to an alarm. I text her from his phone later that night pretending to be him and asked what she needed and she said the same thing, that she needed a password.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

stressedmomandwife said:


> This happened the day after I caught him. I've been checking our phone records since then and there is nothing new. But they do work together and there is no way of me finding out if they talk at work. I ask him every day and he says no. A few times he said he had to ask her to hand her a binder because she works at the front desk. I asked him to keep his binder somewhere else and he says he moved it to the managers office. He says there is absolutely no reason for the, to talk anymore. He deleted her number from his phone. A couple weeks ago she called him and he didn't pick up, the her manager called right after and they needed a password to an alarm. I text her from his phone later that night pretending to be him and asked what she needed and she said the same thing, that she needed a password.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know it sounds extreme, but I suggest that you convince him to quit his job and get a new one. As long as they are in contact, he could lapse again. He has to understand the severity of his betrayal and the consequences of it. It's not about punishing him, but about valuing your marriage more than whatever convenience comes from not upsetting the apple cart or changing the circumstances. He might otherwise be inclined to rationalize things as not being so serious.


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