# Is is possible she really didn't "go all the way?"



## Youtoohuh (Dec 1, 2017)

Or am I your typical dumbass. I'll try to make this as short as possible because I could literally write a book. 

Suspected something off. Snooped, rooted her phone, dug up nudes and explicit sexts to a coworker. I mean straight up p0rn talk of what she wanted to do to OM. 

Day 1, denied photos, admitted to texts going back over a year after work hours. 

Day 2 presented cellular bills matching photos she sent me. admitted to photos But swore up and down no nudes.

Day 3...DDay. Gave her one last chance to spill the beans. I want it all. Presented her with recovered explicit texts and nude pics. No face pics, no boobs just crotch. 

She lost it. Broke down and spilled the beans. Admitted to everything. How long, the pics, the sexting, the lies. It felt sincere, remorseful and says she will do everything in her power to make this right yadda yadda. Typical so far right? She even admitted that they tried to hook up but timing wasn't right. (More on that in a few) and that it was all just a game to her. She straight up said they were close and it WAS going to happen had i not found out. No emotions, no sex nothing physical ever happened but yes, she admitted she wanted to but says she doubts she could have gone through with the act if it was in her face. 

So during the last few weeks I have been lining up every text with mine, locations, texts with friends, colleagues, calls, receipts. Nope. Can't find ANY evidence of her ever meeting up. 

The most recent attempt was 2 weeks before they "got busted" by my detective work and this one text stands out to me to concur they really didn't have sex.

From OM: "once I bone you, you're gonna want it all the time:

WW: "what's so bad about that"

And I never found anything after that saying otherwise. These last few weeks have been the best ever in 23 years. The openness, the truth? Sexual desires, wants and needs. Literally a marriage 180 and it's been friggin great! BUT...it eats at me. Did They? 

So I scheduled a poly. She flipped her lid. She says after all the progress we've made in that 3 weeks, how great everything has been, how we've been rekindled and feel so close. She agreed to to take it but reluctantly due to Xmas and finances (again typical argument I know) and we really can't afford it. But...it eats at me. Has she really been 100% truthful.


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## Youtoohuh (Dec 1, 2017)

Btw her work environment is heavily under watch with cameras. I won't state her occupation but going through with the act at work would be damn near impossible.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Youtoohuh said:


> Or am I your typical dumbass. I'll try to make this as short as possible because I could literally write a book.
> 
> Suspected something off. Snooped, rooted her phone, dug up nudes and explicit sexts to a coworker. I mean straight up p0rn talk of what she wanted to do to OM.
> 
> ...


I like the way you operate.

You may have caught her just in time.

Then again...maybe not.

Don't back out of the poly.

Are you married to her?

Do you have kids?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Yes she is lying, cheaters are good at lying.

She is only remorseful because she got caught.

She needs to find a new job, give full transparency, write down a timeline of everything, she will trickle truth you and only tell you what she thinks you know.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Youtoohuh said:


> Has she really been 100% truthful.


You KNOW she's not been 100% truthful, because you've already caught her in other lies. So, you KNOW she CAN lie. However, the text you captured seems to indicate that maybe intercourse hasn't happened yet, but even if that is true, she probably did other sexual things with him ... making out, oral, etc. PLUS, she admitted in her text that she WANTED to have sex with him, and she sent him nudes ... pretty damning stuff. 

Keep the poly appointment ... get all the pertinent info, and then make your decision based on the facts and how they compare to your own personal deal breakers. Good Luck!!!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Google hysterical bonding. That should tell you a lot about the last couple of weeks with your wife. 

I think the fact that she balked at the idea of a polygraph tells you everything you need to know. If it were me, I would continue on that track and even set up the appointment. You might get a parking lot confession.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

She doesn't expect you to make her take the poly. She wouldn't have freaked out otherwise. She cheated physically with the OM.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Her fear about the poly might not be this affair, it could be other affairs you didn't catch. Usually in first affairs the people will be a little more restrained because they have guilt/shame that they need to rationalize. Her talk about being boned all the time was so callous that it had the hallmark of a serial cheater. But yeah, I wouldn't trust a word that came out of her mouth at this point. 

You might want to get the book "Never be lied to again" by Lieberman so you're better prepared at spotting her lies. Don't let her know you're reading it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She has only admitted to what you could prove,not an iota more.I personally think polygraphs are a load of rubbish but you may get what’s called the parking lot confession.However if she thinks that three weeks of good behavior makes up for a year of cheating then she is either deluded or still cheating.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Make sure she takes the poly. Ensure that oral sex is also a question. I'm guessing she is buying time to talk you out of taking the poly.


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## Youtoohuh (Dec 1, 2017)

She has givin me a timeline and full transparency. Texts, emails, social networking etc. She says this has been a real eye opener to what she's had the whole time and prays that I will someday forgive her. She cries when she thinks about what she's done to me (emotionally). 

We've been together 23 years and have 3 kids. Very happy family. This in her words was an alter ego, a thrill ride, an unexplained desire to do wrong and it hurts to think about what she did. She took off a week from work as she felt physically I'll.

I have blocked all contact, she has deleted all contacts, family knows, close friends have givin support both hers and mine. Her closest friend has been on the receiving end of it and has been very helpful in the recovery and really put my wife in my shoes. I know she wants to get a new job, and I too demand it and I hate to use it as an excuse not to, but we would financially be stressed to a breaking point making matters worse if she just up and quits. We have set goals for new employment. 

Right now it's easy to avoid the OM as he works on the other side of the building from her. They literally had to go out of each others way to even make eye contact. Contact right now isn't an issue. His wife knows what went on and I hope they are fighting their own battle as well. Yeah...i got her number and sent all the dirty $hit. Pics of his little wang too lol


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

OP she would not admit to anything until you presented undeniable truth, what makes you think she would admit to anything more? She will not admit it until you have proof which might be impossible. The fact is she has no credibility, her word means jack squat. You cannot take her on her word, do the poly. It is Christmas time, this is her gift to you and all she deserves this year is a chance.

Still, can you live with the thoughts of her texts with the other man? Talking about boning her and she wanting it? Sending him pics of her vagina? That man has pics of your wife’s vagina and he can share those or look at them anytime he wants. Do you want to live like this? She has poisenned the well. Do you really want to keep coming back?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

"Wife, I got you an early Christmas present, but we have to go get it" 

Then you drive to the polygraph test. 

Have a pro structure the questions to cover not just intercourse, but everything else. And not just the OM, but anyone else since you two started exclusivity.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I think you would have found proof if they went through it. Can the OM face any consequences? You need to him to disappear. You also need her to get a new job. Save the $500 for the poly and go to Reno and get laid at the Mustang Ranch.


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## Youtoohuh (Dec 1, 2017)

JayDee7 said:


> OP she would not admit to anything until you presented undeniable truth, what makes you think she would admit to anything more? She will not admit it until you have proof which might be impossible. The fact is she has no credibility, her word means jack squat. You cannot take her on her word, do the poly. It is Christmas time, this is her gift to you and all she deserves this year is a chance.
> 
> Still, can you live with the thoughts of her texts with the other man? Talking about boning her and she wanting it? Sending him pics of her vagina? That man has pics of your wife’s vagina and he can share those or look at them anytime he wants. Do you want to live like this? She has poisenned the well. Do you really want to keep coming back?


I hear you brother and those are things I have thought long and hard about. Yeah, I could move on knowing those things happened. She's a beautiful woman with a picture perfect vag go ahead look all you want. But touch? No...thats where I draw the line. 

Yes, her sharing this very intimate part of herself (so far in images only) have put a hurt and crossed so many boundaries it's been tough. But not really knowing the mental state of her mind i can somewhat understand. I do, but I don't. She has destroyed any trust that we built over 23 years. Destroyed it. I am a very understanding and forgiving person. I get how humans work for the most part. Impulsive at worst. Comprehensible at best. She says...and this is funny to me, when we can afford it perhaps with income tax she will gladly take a poly. I too agree with some of you her initial reaction told me all I needed to know. But there's still a dumb and dumber chance she didn't...god I hope (insert head wall bang)


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears you have left nothing unturned. Found nothing to indicate(written) it went physical. The bulking at polygraph is a concern. That would indicate to me it went physical. Everyone would want to be cleared of a falsehood if it was in fact false. And in this situation, I would think your WW would want to schedule like tomorrow.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

don't wait months to do the poly -- do it NOW. She is hoping in a few months, she will have convinced you NOT to do it.

From her reaction, there is more to this (maybe not full intercourse, but ....), and maybe more to "others" in the past. You need to make sure the questions cover all of those items -- search the forums and there are lots of examples of what should be asked.

It may be $500, but 3-4 months peace of mind would be worth that, no?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I think there's a small chance it didn't get physical in terms of intercourse but one thing is for sure they BOTH wanted to do it and badly, they just didn't have the chance yet if they didn't actually do it.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

She went all the way. She has not admitted because you have no smoking gun to confront her yet. Datadump her phone, Look for what she deleted. If no smoking in there as workplace affairs are really hard for getting proof schedule a surprise poly test, My bet is you will get a we only kissed, hand job, oral sex, we only had sex once, I only cheated with him parking lot confession. Ask about others. No matter what she admits to still take her inside. Don't let her talk you out of it. See if she is still lying. Do quickly while she is still discombobulated. Don't wait.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Youtoohuh said:


> She lost it. Broke down and spilled the beans. Admitted to everything. How long, the pics, the sexting, the lies. It felt sincere, remorseful and says she will do everything in her power to make this right yadda yadda. Typical so far right?* She even admitted that they tried to hook up but timing wasn't right. *(More on that in a few) and that it was all just a game to her. * She straight up said they were close and it WAS going to happen had i not found out*. No emotions, no sex nothing physical ever happened but yes, she admitted she wanted to but says she doubts she could have gone through with the act if it was in her face.


The intent was there only logistics stopped it. You may as well consider it having happened.

And the quote in red: That's a lie. Ask that with the polygraph.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

In regard to whether she had sex with him, hopefully she'll go through with the poly and you can resolve this. That aside; just because you don't have any evidence, doesn't mean she hasn't had sex with him. You don't have any evidence to prove she didn't as well. For now, you should assume she did.

I would just tell you, that it would be *extremely* unusual for a married woman to send that type of intimate and explicit material to her AP, *before* they had some kind of sex. That's usually something that cheaters do to relive the prior sexual excitement.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Insist on the polygraph now!

Is the OM married?

She has to quit her job.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Not being rude here, just blunt... 

She already lied to you 3 times, so what makes you think she's telling the truth now?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Satya said:


> Not being rude here, just blunt...
> 
> She already lied to you 3 times, so what makes you think she's telling the truth now?


'Cause she was crying!

She wouldn't have tried to manipulate him, would she?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I think it's likely they didn't have actual intercourse, but I would think something else physical went on. Be sure you ask about all different kinds of contact in the polygraph.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Tell her that the polygraph is your gift to her for this year, after all, she got you a brand new bouncing affair, and that is the gift that keeps on giving. Do tell her that reconciliation depends on the results of this polygraph, and damn the expense, Xmas notwithstanding, she had the affair, and be sure to call it that, and let her know that her behavior is whorish, that never fails to get under their skin. Be sure to include polygraph questions that pertain to acts other than intercourse. They may have lunched in each other's vehicles, and a lot can be accomplished in a back seat. As a further consequence, and this is something you can go through with, or just drop the hint, that you are now looking to step outside the marriage (you do not have to, however, the suggestion puts them into crisis mode ASAP.) They get to find out exactly what you are feeling. Suddenly that comfortable marriage that she found easy to step out of, is threatened and it is all her doing. Your hurt and the damage done to the marriage are still abstract concepts. They do not directly affect her psyche. You stating that you are thinking of having an affair is a direct threat. Let her have a few weeks of betrayal, hurt and fear. It would look good on her. A little sauce for the Xmas goose.

Then, as a further gift, have a conversation with the OM. That is truly illuminating. Of my clients present and past, those that had words with the OM got the truth. Especially if one talks with them without giving the two participants the opportunity to get a story straight.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Was it really impossible for them to go out to the back of his car in the parking lot at lunch? Call the guy. Bluff him. Tell him your wife confessed about having sex with him but you need to know if he used a condom because you're concerned about whether she should get tested for STDs. He'll lie about whether he wore a condom, of course, but whether he says yes or no, it's an admission that they had sex. I'd believe him over her any day.

And don't get swayed about the debate over whether polygraphs are accurate or not. All that matters is whether she _believes_ they are accurate. If she does, polygraphs are a useful tool to elicit a parking lot confession. So it doesn't really matter whether they're accurate or not.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I won’t say they went all the way just because of the text messages you recovered. 

I will say she would have if given the chance. 

Yes she has cheated on you with the intentions of going all the way.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Youtoohuh said:


> Or am I your typical dumbass. I'll try to make this as short as possible because I could literally write a book.
> 
> Suspected something off. Snooped, rooted her phone, dug up nudes and explicit sexts to a coworker. I mean straight up p0rn talk of what she wanted to do to OM.
> 
> ...


*Pardon mois, but the last time I looked, “infidelity” itself doesn’t necessarily entail getting one’s Willie wet! Or even putting it in something!*


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Youtoohuh said:


> I hear you brother and those are things I have thought long and hard about. Yeah, I could move on knowing those things happened. She's a beautiful woman with a picture perfect vag go ahead look all you want. But touch? No...thats where I draw the line.
> 
> Yes, her sharing this very intimate part of herself (so far in images only) have put a hurt and crossed so many boundaries it's been tough. But not really knowing the mental state of her mind i can somewhat understand. I do, but I don't.* She has destroyed any trust that we built over 23 years. Destroyed it.* I am a very understanding and forgiving person. I get how humans work for the most part. Impulsive at worst. Comprehensible at best. She says...and this is funny to me, when we can afford it perhaps with income tax she will gladly take a poly. I too agree with some of you her initial reaction told me all I needed to know. But there's still a dumb and dumber chance she didn't...god I hope (insert head wall bang)


You already know the answer.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Youtoohuh said:


> And I never found anything after that saying otherwise. These last few weeks have been the best ever in 23 years. The openness, the truth? Sexual desires, wants and needs. Literally a marriage 180 and it's been friggin great! BUT...it eats at me. Did They?
> 
> A cynical person would opine the greatness of the past 3 weeks was her attempt to distract you.
> 
> ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Even if she didn't actually have full sex, she was intending to. She also did many things that were so wrong for a married lady. The fact that she got angry about the poly speaks volumes, if she has nothing to hide then why get angry? Even if they didnt have full sex, after a year they almost certainly kissed and fondled and did other things of a sexual nature.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

proximity and desire = high probability they consummated their relationship. Took off early, long lunch, whatever, there is always a way


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Realistically?

Nope.

If he’s married, expose to his wife.

Also, has she quit her job yet?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Youtoohuh said:


> Btw her work environment is heavily under watch with cameras. I won't state her occupation but going through with the act at work would be damn near impossible.


Cheaters find a way.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Youtoohuh said:


> ...*We've been together 23 years and have 3 kids. Very happy family.* This in her words was an alter ego, a thrill ride, an unexplained desire to do wrong and it hurts to think about what she did.
> 
> ....family knows, close friends have givin support both hers and mine. *Her closest friend has been on the receiving end of it and has been very helpful in the recovery and really put my wife in my shoes.* I know she wants to get a new job, and I too demand it and I hate to use it as an excuse not to, but we would financially be stressed to a breaking point making matters worse if she just up and quits. We have set goals for new employment.
> 
> ........ His wife knows what went on and I hope they are fighting their own battle as well. Yeah..*.i got her number and sent all the dirty $hit. Pics of his little wang too lol*





Youtoohuh said:


> ......But not really knowing the mental state of her mind i can somewhat understand. I do, but I don't. *She has destroyed any trust that we built over 23 years. Destroyed it.* I am a very understanding and forgiving person. I get how humans work for the most part. Impulsive at worst. Comprehensible at best. She says...and this is funny to me, *when we can afford it perhaps with income tax she will gladly take a poly.* I too agree with some of you her initial reaction told me all I needed to know. But there's still a dumb and dumber chance she didn't...god I hope (insert head wall bang)


A couple of thoughts. First, Good job on figuring things out, confronting her, informing friends and family for support AND in giving the OM's wife the ammo and information she needs about her POS husband. Well Done.

23years & 3 kids. She destroyed the marriage and your trust. Make her take the poly, but you need to start thinking long term.

Do you want to stay married to her (whether or not she had intercourse with OM)? How do you want to raise your 3 kids? Would you trust her to to take care of them in any kind of joint custody?

Your marriage as you both knew it is over regardless of the poly test. What you need to decide (and what she later needs to decide) is if you think she is worth the effort to build a new marriage (that will be different) with.

If she feels you can't afford a poly, tell her you will spend the money instead with a preliminary divorce attorney, but before you make a decision on either divorce or reconciliation that there will be a poly test.

You also need to set some very rigid boundaries with her NOW. She need to understand that she destroyed your marriage and it can never be put back together. If the two of you decide on building a new marriage she can never flirt, never sext, never send pictures, never allow herself to be alone with another man. I would tell her that if you do divorce her you will probably seek full custody of your 3 children as you don't want them being raised by a wh#re. 

You need to figure out what you want your future to be. Your kids will have all left home before you will ever be able to really trust her again. you might ask her if you should get her the book the Scarlet 
Letter, as her Christmas present.

Good luck.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It is indeed possible she is telling the truth, but she was planning to meet him for sex, so I'm not sure that her not doing it is really much of a comfort. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Youtoohuh (Dec 1, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Youtoohuh said:
> 
> 
> > Btw her work environment is heavily under watch with cameras. I won't state her occupation but going through with the act at work would be damn near impossible.
> ...


I agree they will find a way. Not at her work place I can assure you all that. I have gone as far as backlogging keycards and access dates and times. Let's just say in MY line of work...it didn't happen at her place of work. I could lose my job over the level of CSI work I've done. 

At this point in this whole process, I truly believe and think something no matter how miniscule it was, did happen. I mean let's turn the tides here.

Let's say an attractive coworker started texting me. It was strictly business at first. Then over time a friendship was built. A trust was formed and the flirty waters were tested. They rapidly heated up and resulted in some sexy pics. Soon after...a nude or two (3 actually) were sent my way. Wow...yeah this chick is getting the d. There's no way a hot coworker is going to send me full on twat shots, tell me she wants to do unthinkable things to me and me NOT smashing that pu$$y. Yeah....that ain't gonna happen. You're not getting off that easy chick. 

But that's me. I'm a shallow pos. This dude turned her down every time she mentioned hooking up. Hell half the time she was sitting on the couch...in sweats making up bs lie after bs lie as I was downstairs in my mancave with some buddies or whatever. I know this i lined up all the texts lol she was in such a fake fantasy world it's mind boggling. 

But none of that bothers me anymore. Yeah, she probably did tug on his nuts or whatever. She won't ever admit to it until the poly I know this. But that doesn't bother me. It's the lying. It's the chance after chance and even now I question the truth although I do believe she is sincerely telling me the truth. But because of the lies I will never be able to believe her. I almost want her to lie (or not lie) to me just move on from this. I can ask a million times....is that all? Are you telling me everything? And as many times as she says no my gut just says LIAR over and over. She might be telling the truth. She might not be. But I just don't have the damn money for a $700 polygraph test right now. 

So, who's ready to donate to PayPal for a great cause haha.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I sure hope that you take the earlier poster's advice and look up hysterical bonding, because that is all that has happened. Things are not great. Your wife cheated on you. Whether that cheating culminated in sex or not, she cheated. Look up Emotional Affairs or non physical affairs.

Next, just because you guys are "close" and having lots of sex is just hysterical bonding. Think of it like the puppy love you felt for your first crush. They were everything to you. A hand hold, a kiss...heaven on earth. The thing is, that "over the moon" "forever and ever" was just temporary. Hormones. Whatever. It was intense, but it was fleeting and ultimately insubstantial.

Her reaction to the polygraph is suspicious. Still, the question for you, going in, is what difference is it going to make? I mean still do it, no matter what, but...if she fails then what? if she passes, then what? Either way, she cheated. If she fails, she cheated, had sex, lied about it, and then tried to manipulate you from finding out the truth by complaining about the polygraph. Deal breaker? 

Either way, you have some soul searching to do and realistically, its gonna take months before you feel halfway good about whatever decision you attempt. I don't mean you will feel great, I mean, you will feel less ambivalent, but still ambivalent. Step right up, the man on the right will take your ticket as you prepare to ride the roller coaster from hell called infidelity.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, the chances of her not doing the deed, are less than slim and none. As Gus said, cheaters find a way. Regardless, the intent was 1000% there. She wanted to. That, is in my book, is a bad as doing it. Her intent was to throw the marriage away.

Show her she did.
Divorce her lying ass!

As a further note, the hysterical bonding is equivalent of trying to **** a rotted corpse back to life. That corpse, is your marriage. If my wife cheated on me, if would make me physically violently ill to be in the same room with her. 

Your choice.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

YouTooHuh,

You wrote, *So I scheduled a poly. She flipped her lid. She says after all the progress we've made in that 3 weeks, how great everything has been, how we've been rekindled and feel so close.*

This means there is alot she has not told you and she expects you just to rugsweep this and move on. If she has really told you everything she would take a poly without hesitation. 

Have her write out a timeline for her affair, and any other affairs she has had, and tell her to include everything, and not to lie by omission or minimize. 

The polygraph will then ask her if her timeline is truthful rather than specific questions she can cherry pick.

3 weeks! It takes 3 to 5 years minimum for recovery, and every day she works in the same building or sees OM will reset you to week zero.

Report the OM to personnel to get him removed. Also expose the OM widely. Also send the OMW the contact info. for the polygraph operator.

Tamat


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Youtoohuh said:


> Day 1, denied photos, admitted to texts going back over a year after work hours.
> 
> Day 2 presented cellular bills matching photos she sent me. admitted to photos But swore up and down no nudes.
> 
> Day 3...DDay. Gave her one last chance to spill the beans. I want it all. Presented her with recovered explicit texts and nude pics. No face pics, no boobs just crotch.





Youtoohuh said:


> Has she really been 100% truthful.


 No she has not "been 100% truthful". So far she has only admitted to what you could prove. She did not not come to you on her own and confess to her cheating (sexting and sending nude photos is cheating), you had to catch her. Day 1 she admitted to texting only because you could prove it, and denied that there were photos; this was a lie. Day 2 when presented with new evidence, she admitted to photos because you could prove it, but denied that they were nude; this was also a lie. Day 3 when presented with new evidence, she admitted that they were nude only because you could prove it, but denied that there was actual sex involved; based on her track record of consistent lies, can you really say with any confidence that you believe this to be true? Besides, what if her definition of sex is the same as many cheaters (like Bill Clinton) where they fooled around and gave each other oral, but say that she did not have sex because they did not have intercourse yet? Are you OK with that?


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

I would borrow the money if possible for the poly. If that is not possible (I will probably get some heat for this), you can tell her that you somehow acquired the cash and scheduled a poly to be taken in the next few days. As the deadline approaches, she may come clean. If she doesn't, you can tell her that the polygrapher had to cancel but will reschedule at the earliest opportunity. You don't want to live in limbo for the next few months. If you do, chances are she will come clean after your long period of stewing in your own pain. My best guess is that she is hoping to have the next few months to dissuade you from the action that you absolutely must take. I know this route is dishonest, but it pales in comparison to her obvious betrayal. I might be giving poor advice here, and I encourage other posters to call me out on it if I am. Best of luck.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You don’t have to be able to afford a poly — she just has to _think_ that you can.

Let her hear you on the phone asking questions about the process.

Let her watch as you torture yourself to find a way to afford it. Maybe mention cutting back on lunches or dinners out, cutting out cable TV, or maybe not buying so many gifts this year.

Let her see you reading some literature regarding the “science” behind polygraphs (they’re not very reliable, BTW).

And, all the while, be mindful of any web searches along the lines of “how to beat a polygraph”.

On the day of the test (again, you’re not actually scheduling anything), drive her over to the testing location and see if you get the famed parking lot confession. Tell her she has one last opportunity to come clean — once the car doors open, all bets are off.

And, again, has she quit her job yet?

If he’s married, has everything been exposed to OM’s wife?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

BadGrammar said:


> you can tell her that you somehow acquired the cash and scheduled a poly to be taken in the next few days.


Or, the other man's wife has secretly agreed to pick up half the tab. >


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Youtoohuh:

Splitting hairs is not going to make much of a difference here. Mentally, she was his. She had made her decision and was aching to act on it. 
Now you must decide if that betrayal, the actual decision she made to cuckold you, is forgivable even though their genitalia might not have made contact.
She was all in. Let that sink in. You were out, he was in. Now she is all in with you, is that right? She must be a pretty special snowflake. 
But, if it really makes that much difference to you, she should now be aching to take that polygraph to give you the peace you need. Unless, of course, she knows what will happen if she fails it. You should be pushing for it, if only to see how she reacts as she is in the parking lot getting ready to take the test. You may get a bunch of new information there.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

I don't understand the how the "no contact" thing works. They work together. He works all the way over on the other side of the building. Is that effective? I know I would never walk so far like that, heck, it might take me 5 or 10 whole minutes. Maybe she could meet him at least half way.

How do you know what she does at work? Have you hacked her employer's security cameras?

I wonder if she is smart enough to be able to get a burner phone? Maybe money is too tight for that.

I actually kind of believe that the guy hadn't "bone" the guy as of when the message was sent. Of course, things other than "boning" maybe occurred. The problem is, who can figure out the truth with liars. Someone spending three whole days lying and only admitting when you had to give her the smoking gun, all bets are off on what's true or not coming out of her mouth. Actually, since she lies, maybe just believe the opposite. Probably you end up with a better batting average that way.

Also, I always wonder, was this the first? 23 years, and this is the only time? It's possible. I used to play basketball, once in a while I hit a half-court or even three-quarters shot. So hold onto the possibility.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OutofRetirement said:


> *I don't understand the how the "no contact" thing works.* They work together. He works all the way over on the other side of the building. Is that effective? I know I would never walk so far like that, heck, it might take me 5 or 10 whole minutes. Maybe she could meet him at least half way.
> 
> How do you know what she does at work? Have you hacked her employer's security cameras?
> 
> ...


She quits her job, changes her cell phone number(s), email address(es), social media accounts, etc.


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

I hate that you are going through this. I used to work in a factory. I did know of people who went to “lunch” together and messed around. Also, people would take off early and go get hotel rooms. I knew the couple that did this. I didn’t know at the time, but she told me after the fact. They were both married. I don’t know what she does for a living, but I hope it’s not factory work. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Youtoohuh said:


> Suspected something off. Snooped, rooted her phone, dug up nudes and explicit sexts to a coworker. I mean straight up p0rn talk of what she wanted to do to OM.


What tipped you off that this was going on?


Do the three of you work together?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thedope said:


> She doesn't expect you to make her take the poly. She wouldn't have freaked out otherwise. She cheated physically with the OM.


Or she cheated physically with other men and fears that the poly could out her other lovers?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Youtoohuh said:


> I agree they will find a way. Not at her work place I can assure you all that. I have gone as far as backlogging keycards and access dates and times. Let's just say in MY line of work...it didn't happen at her place of work. I could lose my job over the level of CSI work I've done.
> 
> At this point in this whole process, I truly believe and think something no matter how miniscule it was, did happen. I mean let's turn the tides here.
> 
> ...


Yeah, lying after the fact was the deal breaker for me and Im glad I chose D. I just don't know how you can ever trust someone that lied that much to you. You wont regret breaking it off I can tell you that much.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Youtoohuh said:


> She even *admitted that they tried to hook up but timing wasn't right*. (More on that in a few) and that it was all just a game to her. *She straight up said they were close* *and it WAS going to happen had i not found out*. No emotions, no sex nothing physical ever happened but yes, *she admitted she wanted to *but says she doubts she could have gone through with the act if it was in her face.
> 
> The most recent *attempt *was 2 weeks before they "got busted" by my detective work and this one text stands out to me to concur they really didn't have sex.



Youtoohuh, I can't get past the planning, preparing and her wanting to F him on multiple occasions, only to be thwarted by bad timing and you catching her before it happened. That's the only difference between her getting some a$$hole's **** in her or not. Your luck and fate prohibited this from happening. Her offering that she may have chickened out is part laughable and part insulting. You may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night. It was a desperate attempt to conceal and deflect the full brunt of pure sex she agreed to participate in. She co-conspired without pressure, alcohol, duress or even the loneliness excuse I read too often. She was giving him the pu$$i, PERIOD. Very, very serious offense in my opinion.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Does it really matter when it got that far? It was really only a matter of time. I mean what was her intent?

Also she wants to rug sweep which makes her a bad choice to try to continue with. Proceed with caution. People like your wife make living with them hard. It should be I am treated with respect or I am gone, not I need to be with them no matter what I can't let them go. The first way gives you a chance, the second way leads to a life of misery.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Find the money for the Poly. The longer this goes on the more you will resent each other. Tell her you don't want a x-mas present just the poly. I wouldn't get her a gift either. Use the money on a poly. Ask you parents for money, take a loan, pawn something of hers, etc. tell people who get you a x-mas gift you need cash this year instead. Find the money get the poly ASAP. She is lying. You will get trickle truthed! 100% sure. 

In fact your already being trickle truthed. As other have said she only admits what you can prove. She is lying.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

If OP was serious about t the gonfund me. I'd donate.

The longer you wait the more she is going to be able to spin things to her support network. She will use the delay to blame you for her cheating. So by the time it's confirmed everyone will think you are the bad guy. I have been on a ton of infidelity forums. OM will use this time to paint you as a lying psycho to his wife. So by the time you're can confirm the physical affair OM wife will think your an abusive husband or something. Cheater are manipulative and very good at spinning things. 

Right now she thinks she is safe because you can't afford a the poly. There is zero possibility of you getting the truth without it.

I'm not trying to be a jerk but your letting her get away with cheating on you, and lying about it over $700.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Also there is someone in your circle of friends that know all the details someone friend/family member, and as the above poster mention it's a matter of time before it's you're fault and are reason for the affair. 

Women love to have the secrets alone with those damming texts she never deleted, so look for email address she might have to store all her love letters, pics, etc! Also cloud base photo sharing type site as well. 

Good luck


Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

They usually try to spin their cheating by saying, " the relationship with BS" was already over. We have been over for awhile. BS does not meet my needs, is distant, etc etc etc.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Youtoohuh said:


> She straight up said they were close and it WAS going to happen had i not found out. No emotions, no sex nothing physical ever happened but yes, she admitted she wanted to





Youtoohuh said:


> BUT...it eats at me. Did They?


 The title of this thread, you asking “Did They?”, you asking these questions are all part of the cheaters game. Cheaters have you so focused asking if they did it, that you do not look at the major betrayals that you know for sure that they did. 

Additionally, she has you believing the unbelievable, because she knows that you want to believe. Come on, not only is she telling you that “no sex, nothing physical happened”, but she is also trying to convince you that there were “No emotions” involved, when you know maybe not a 100%, but beyond a reasonable doubt from the texting that there were emotions between them. If you can send someone away for life on less than 100% evidence as long you have proof beyond a reasonable doubt, then you should certainly be able to make decisions on what you know beyond a reasonable doubt.


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## ptw632 (Dec 5, 2017)

Don't walk, RUN. She can't be trusted and that's all you need to know.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

So many threads are like this one. Betrayed husband wanting some detail and advisors getting all worked up about lie detector test which aren't definitive anyway. Marriage is based on trust. If you can't trust her, then marriage is over anyway, no matter what "actually"happened. You are proceeding as if... If she did "all the way" with the OM, then it's over, if she didn't, everything is fine.

Enjoy the hysterical bonding while it lasts, let her think you are over it. She will eventually sneak back to the coworker but much farther underground. They'll use some communication method you can't easily hack like you did with texts and telephone records.

After the hysterical bonding dies off, sign up for ****** Mad with the money you would have spent on polygraph. Tell her that her affair voided the exclusivity portion of your marriage vows. Say that unlike her, you aren't sneaking behind her back, the women you are communicating with on AM aren't coworkers or women you know IRL. Go on a date with one of them or pretend to and see how she reacts when you get back.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

OutofRetirement said:


> I wonder if she is smart enough to be able to get a burner phone?



If she doesn't have one now, she'll have one next time. She now knows he can recover deleted texts and knows exactly how he did it because he gave up the source. There are so many threads on here where a guy shows up saying "My wife cheated on me 8 years ago. Weird it happened again." At first glance this doesn't sound like an extreme case of reconciliation at a'll cost but it doesn't sound as though the cause of this is even close to being uncovered.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Sounds like she was all in and he was just role playing. Talk to his wife. What is actually scarier is that she was just in it for kicks and giggles. She wasn’t even risking her marriage for love just a roll in the hay. 
That means you need to find out from the poly if this is her only rodeo. She was chasing him no matter who started it.

Btw, no, polys aren’t perfect but, they are way more reliable than what comes out of a cheaters mouth. Like a million times more reliable. Find out who local law enforcement uses. You should be able to find a better price than 700 bucks.


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## Youtoohuh (Dec 1, 2017)

Ill keep this one short, i managed to have my employer give me my xmas bonus early and we will find out Thursday wether or not she's being truthful. That is my only concern. Everything else is repairable. The pics, the sexting, the cheating, we can fix that. The dishonesty is what hurt. 

Call me naive, she's worth it....to me. To our family. More than half my life was spent with her. Not willing to give up THAT easy and neither is she over some fantasy land sexts and a couple crotch shots.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Youtoohuh said:


> Ill keep this one short, i managed to have my employer give me my xmas bonus early and we will find out Thursday wether or not she's being truthful. That is my only concern. Everything else is repairable. The pics, the sexting, the cheating, we can fix that. The dishonesty is what hurt.
> 
> Call me naive, she's worth it....to me. To our family. More than half my life was spent with her. Not willing to give up THAT easy and neither is she over some fantasy land sexts and a couple crotch shots.


I understand. The marriage will not be what it once was before this.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Youtoohuh said:


> Ill keep this one short, i managed to have my employer give me my xmas bonus early and we will find out Thursday wether or not she's being truthful. That is my only concern. Everything else is repairable. The pics, the sexting, the cheating, we can fix that. The dishonesty is what hurt.
> 
> Call me naive, she's worth it....to me. To our family. More than half my life was spent with her. Not willing to give up THAT easy and neither is she over some fantasy land sexts and a couple crotch shots.


Sooo... are you cool with her continuing to work with this guy?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

You still need to have a word with the OM. You want him to confess anything that she hasn't. Do not let her know that you are seeing him, and you should do it kamikazee style. Go to reception at their office and say you have a package he has to sign for. When he arrives, ask him outside and then pepper him with questions. Tell him that his marriage depends on his answers.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

You should probably approach this like she was doing a drug like heroin. She was getting an intense high from the affair even if it wasn't sexual. She's now getting that high from the rebonding with you. What happens when things cool down? How is she going to resist chasing the high with some other scumbag? Even if scumbag #1 disappears, there's 100's of other scumbags out there eager to give her what she craves.

She should probably severely curtail her interactions with men, at least for a while. There's the obvious things like no hanging out with men, but she should also refrain from any kind of social chatting unless you're there. That means if some guy at work asks her about her weekend, she gives a pat answer like "fine" and shuts down any further conversation.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

The fact she flipped her lid when you first mentioned poly is of obvious concern. But that can be read a number of ways. She is either lying or she can't believe you don't trust her. Golly gee, I don't trust you after you baldfaced lied to me 3 times in a row...

Keep close tabs on her browser searches looking for how to beat a poly. Is she savvy enough tech wise to use privacy mode with web browsers? I guess though if she has a computer at work she can hide that from you. 

Anyway, you know her best. Hopefully you stumbled into it in time and there was no physical act. You mentioned she appears truly remorseful. Hopefully not remorseful that she got caught but remorseful that she hurt you in one of the worst possible ways. Only if she is truly remorseful can a reconciliation begin. Her agreeing to this poly and the transparency so far is a start. 

Sorry you are going through this. Wish you the best.


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## Youtoohuh (Dec 1, 2017)

I've already talked to him...nope that was a lie. I already went off on the mfer!! Contacted his wife and exposed them. 

As for her working with him no. And as I stated in an earlier post we have set employment goals. It is not feasible for her to up and quit. 

However, now here's the twist. I don't want to give away too many details as her, his and my line of work is of a somewhat "high profile" and the place of employment is a government facility. 

But...this facility is one of my contract customers and I do have full access to the cameras, recording systems, database and all keycard access and access points. I CAN follow their every move with scrutiny throughout the building. Each section, lounges etc are access controlled. How do you think I lined up their workplace whereabouts? 

She has not even seen face of him since this occurred that I can promise. Like stated in an earlier post, they had to go out of their way to even make eye contact. As of now, it's not an issue. Moving along gentlemen...


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Totally agree with other posters on having a dead serous talk with her about boundaries. This sexting did not start out of thin air. She allowed and encouraged to proceed. Ask your wife why would I want to have to police you the rest of your life? You have obliterated all the trust I ever had in you. Not really the type of marriage I had in mind.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Sooo... are you cool with her continuing to work with this guy?


If you decide to R, you should absolutely not accept her working in the same building with him. She quits or no R.

But at this point, I would wait until after the poly results to make that demand. If she fails and you decide to D, it doesn't matter that she has contact; and her having no income is not what you want heading towards divorce.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Ah fool me once shame on you, I am all for second chances! You have to keep the kids in mind. 23 years is a long time, I would ride it out for awhile but keep an eye for anything that might pop up or her actions. The deal is anyone can cheat if they want to. Even thought not at first she did finally open up. I don't think a poly is the answer as I'm not sure how accurate those would be. Maybe it was an alter ego that just hit her at the wrong time. How are things going now?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Youtoohuh said:


> She has not even seen face of him since this occurred that I can promise. Like stated in an earlier post, they had to go out of their way to even make eye contact. As of now, it's not an issue. Moving along gentlemen...


The problem is that it's very easy for the affair to rekindle if they see each other in the future--even years later. Just having him in the same company means she could look him up in the directory, ask others about him, etc. It enables him to stay in her mind longer.

I can understand if you can't afford to have her quit right now, but she needs to be looking for another job to reduce the possibility of a chance meeting at some point in the future.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Youtoohuh said:


> I've already talked to him...nope that was a lie. I already went off on the mfer!! Contacted his wife and exposed them.
> 
> As for her working with him no. And as I stated in an earlier post we have set employment goals. It is not feasible for her to up and quit.
> 
> ...


No contact or no reconciliation.

Anything less and you’re setting yourself up for failure.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Youtoohuh said:


> *...She cries when she thinks about what she's done to me (emotionally)....*


Um, are you sure that is what is causing her tears?

Tears are an excellent manipulation technique. Typically, women are better at turning on the waterworks than men are.

Be careful in presuming this.

And as far as it possible that she didn't go all the way goes.

Let me put it this way.

I'm sure that you could find a duck that doesn't quack, but you'd have to look far and long to find it.

The vast majority of ducks quack.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Youtoohuh said:


> I've already talked to him...nope that was a lie. I already went off on the mfer!! Contacted his wife and exposed them.
> 
> As for her working with him no. And as I stated in an earlier post we have set employment goals. It is not feasible for her to up and quit.
> 
> ...




Youtoo

First, you didn't get the truth when you confronted, only what you could prove. That's your first bad sign. Second she doesn't want to spend money for a poly until after Christmas and early next year at best. That's because she has no intention of taking one. She cries when she realizes how upset you are emotionally, and is upset you don't trust as she said when you requested a polygraph. More bad signs. Yet I'm not even here to beat you up about what you can't see. However, I will tell you she isn't remorseful, regrets only getting caught, and truly has no idea how you feel. That's just for starters. 

What you do have is a wife who trampled over everything she now claims to love. She nuked her marriage, yet now can't believe she almost through it all away. She was the aggressor, and attempted hook ups, even admits to arranging them. Then says she wouldn't be able to go through with it, and sorry, but you should have laughed out loud. She sent OM nude pics, chased him, yet won't take a polygraph due to finances? Your wife is unhappy that you don't believe her, want a polygraph, but says nothing about admitting to only what you knew. Ask your wife this for me, what does she bring to the table that you are attracted to? Her honesty? Her trickle truth? Her morals? Her boundaries? Her disrespect for you? Her not being remorseful? Her delaying any healing for you by not taking a polygraph until next tax season? Your wife has a lot to learn. 

What if your wife had answered this way to issues you are having. 

Polygraph
Wife; of course I will take a polygraph, furthermore I will not have that impact our finances by working overtime or getting a second job. Our Christmas season should not be impacted by my bad choices. 

Truth.
Wife; I have cheated on you and our children. There is nothing I can do to take it back, but I have entered into individual counseling to learn why I did choose the way I did and to learn how to be a safe partner. I am broken, but I can only hope that you allow me some time to prove I can be a safe spouse. If you can't allow me time I hope that after our divorce I can once again compete for your heart and just maybe be your significant other to you again. From this moment forward I will be transparent, honest, and fix myself so that I be a better person. 

Think about it Youtoo, does she communicate on her desk phone at work with OM? Does she arrive home exactly when she could or are there moments she is a little late? Does she eat at work or go off property? Is OM on property at lunch or is he gone too? Can you see the lunch diners on camera? If you want reconciliation, wait six months, let her prove to you with actions how remorseful she is. Don't fall for the tears about your pain, your wife isn't even close to feeling your pain, as evidenced by the polygraph.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

thedope said:


> She doesn't expect you to make her take the poly. She wouldn't have freaked out otherwise. She cheated physically with the OM.


Or she cheated with someone else, some other time.

She may be serial:
Does she like Cereal?
You know, Capn Crunch, Kix, Fruit Loops, Special K, Apple Jacks.
Is her favorite, Trix?

Red Flag on her LD test balking.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Volunteer86 said:


> Ah fool me once shame on you, I am all for second chances! You have to keep the kids in mind. 23 years is a long time, I would ride it out for awhile but keep an eye for anything that might pop up or her actions. The deal is anyone can cheat if they want to. Even thought not at first she did finally open up. I don't think a poly is the answer as I'm not sure how accurate those would be. Maybe it was an alter ego that just hit her at the wrong time. How are things going now?


In my opinion this is awful advice. She cheated don't rug sweep it. Which is essentially what is going on under the current plan. The poly accuracy isn't really a big deal, the fact she makes excuses not to take one is. The "alter ego" is still occurring because she still isn't telling the truth. Also there is no way you can monitor her 100% of the time. Telling yourself you can monitor is just something to tell yourself to feel better. I bet she resist the poly. Keep in mind you can only ask a couple questions. So be careful with what you ask.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Sorry you are here. Unfortunately I would not trust anything your wife says. As for the make up sex that's natural when a partner gets busted especially the female. Its her way of trying to appease you and make you forget what she did.

Keep the poly and ensure she finds a new job as quick as possible.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I will say it again. The OP needs to figure out what he wants long term. 

He is a father. His wife may or may not be a fit mother to raise and mentor their children.

He may want reconciliation and he may feel that he can trust his children with her. Then again he may not, but those are the things I think he should be thinking about not some poly test, the questions to ask and when it should be implemented.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Hesitation over poly = still lying.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Can we get an update buddy?


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## Youtoohuh (Dec 1, 2017)

What an interesting day. Well, the majority of you were hmm..flat out wrong on prejudgment. You simply cannot toss EVERY "cheater" into the same category. This process was nothing as I expected and much more thorough than I had thought as well. My wife was a nervous wreck lol. And for good reason. I've been monitoring her closely and of course her search history as some of you suggested and you know what she said? 

"quit reading **** they're just a bunch of bitter weak people with failed marriages filling your head with ****. I wont let strangers write our book and dictate how we're supposed to react."

We had many more talks and just now got a chance to get to my pc. Shes out cold...mentally exhausted. Literally been chatting for the last ohh 5 hours straight. Some bad, almost all good. No new news to announce sorry to disappoint and we really haven't talked about anything different that we haven't gone over in prior weeks. She's a little upset because she thought this was a big waste of money and I get that. She also understands WHY I insisted we do this even if nothing was going to change. Her initial reaction was because I just didn't believe what she was saying. She said to me "The one f'n thing I'm being honest about and you dont want to believe me." as she pleaded over and over that she was sincere and not hiding ANYTHING else...at all.

The investigator was very thorough. I was allowed to ask as many questions as I wanted (with his help on re-arranging some of the wording) and he used some from experience. This obviously wasn't his first rodeo lol and honestly I wasn't sure how or what to ask to get the answers I was looking for. I guess I was looking for more that just wasn't there. When trust is lost and lies are being told, it was hard for me to put any faith into her honesty. I think shes starting to get that by this point.

We've had a really good week. She has learned more about herself and I have seen so much change in her in just a few short weeks. More than I've seen in ages. More effort and appreciation than in years. We can't be around each other 24/7 so I'm going to quote some of her texts.

"My feelings for you were never gone. My love for you was never gone. I took you for granted. This was a huge wake up call for me and I needed that to realize what I had right in front of me the whole time. Don't think this is easy for me because its the hardest thing I've ever gone through. It's not just "done" for me. I have to live with the damage I've caused. I have to live with the fact I hurt the one person I truly love. I still feel sick every morning when I wake up. This is not going to be easy to heal from."

"I still don't really know "why" it got as far as it did. I can only tell you how it made me feel. But these feelings I have now...guilt, hurt, shame, disgust far outweigh any enjoyment I got out of it. What we had is not gone, just changed. I dont think we are blind or scared, I think our eyes are wide open. My head hasn't been this clear in a long time. YOU are what I want. You have always been what I wanted, I just somehow lost you in my own mind. You are irreplaceable and therefor I will never let you go. This WILL work. I won't let it not work. We cant give up on each other no matter how hard it gets. We've been through way too much. You are my other half."

"I just wish we could rewind time. I'm so sorry baby. So sorry. I f'd up so bad I can't believe I did this to you. I never realized the impact "sexting" would have on us. I dont even know who that was, who I was. It wasn't me. Not the real me at least. I lost myself in it all, I lost you, I didn't realize what I've done until it was too late. I'm so sorry. Never again. Ever. Its me and you we will fix this. I will fix this"

And that's where we are at. Taking it day by day and reflecting on our marriage as it was, how it should have been and how we will work to make it where it needs to be moving forward. Sure it;s had its ups and downs and very stressful over the last few years. Changes did need to happen and its all in hindsight. She knows that's never going to be an excuse as to why she let it get out of hand. And I won't let her either. So did she screw him? Nope...I really dont think so. But I know I'll never let my guard down and she will never put herself in a situation to head down that path again. At least we can hope right? For now, it's one day at a time. Thanks for the support everyone. I need sleep.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Youtoohuh said:


> She lost it. Broke down and spilled the beans. Admitted to everything. How long, the pics, the sexting, the lies. It felt sincere, remorseful and says she will do everything in her power to make this right yadda yadda. Typical so far right?* She even admitted that they tried to hook up but timing wasn't right. (More on that in a few) and that it was all just a game to her. She straight up said they were close and it WAS going to happen had i not found out. *No emotions, no sex nothing physical ever happened but yes, she admitted she wanted to but says she doubts she could have gone through with the act if it was in her face.


So, was this a lie?


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## Youtoohuh (Dec 1, 2017)

Malaise said:


> So, was this a lie?


Yes and no in a sense. That's a hard one to answer. Yes they tried to hook up on several occasions...in text. Could they have? Not really. It was mostly bull$hit and her just telling the guy what she thought a guy would want to hear. but that doesnt even make any sense right? She would be literally sitting on the couch in sweats, on a friday night, with the kids, no sitter nadda and say things like " what are you doing tonight?" knowing full well there was ZERO chance of anything possibly happening. It was a game of cat and mouse. He would do the same. And endless game of "tag you're it."

So that brings us to the second part of that question...would she have. She says she doesn't think so because then the game, the excitement all would have ended. It would have been over. Yeah she wanted to, yeah she said she would have but also said she probably would have chickened out if faced with it and I kid you not said "no way, I could never let another man see my boobs" (3 kids...you get the picture...or not). So I don't know whether or not she would have followed through and quite honestly, I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter it's not going to change anything. The longer I dwell on the what if's the harder this is going to be on myself, and if I'm still with her now, then my mind has been made up what we are going to do about it.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Do you trust her?

You don't care anymore if she would have followed through but that's not the same as trust.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Youtoohuh said:


> It doesn't matter it's not going to change anything. The longer I dwell on the what if's the harder this is going to be on myself, and if I'm still with her now, then my mind has been made up what we are going to do about it.


 A premier job of rugsweeping, good luck with that.




> "The *one* f'n thing I'm being honest about and you dont want to believe me."


 And this bodes real well for your future.


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## Youtoohuh (Dec 1, 2017)

Trust? Hahaha Hell no. What is trust anyway? Is trust not just an illusion? Trust is simply an illusion of this image of "who" you thought a person was. A made up picture in your mind of someone but not actually who they really are at face value. Trust? I don't even trust myself. After going through this, I will NEVER trust another human like I did her (at one point) for as long as I live. when someone says "trust no-one", that really is solid advice...trust me on that


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Can't help but think there would halve been 99% less drama and 4.5 fewer hours of talking if she just said YES to the polygraph at first.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Satya said:


> Can't help but think there would halve been 99% less drama and 4.5 fewer hours of talking if she just said YES to the polygraph at first.


I hope it turns out well for the OP but this whole thread has gone the way of those where the OP chastises posters here because they were "wrong" about their cheater. Their cheater is a special cheater, not like the others. Then a few days, weeks, or occasionally months go by and they come back with "OMG, you guys were right!" followed by apologies and an amazement at how posters on this, or any board like this, knew exactly what was going on and what was going to happen.

I really hope it doesn't go down that way but it usually does. Like 90%+ of the time.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If guys truly had one hundred percent trust in their mate there would be no such thing as jealousy or c”ck blocking. Fortunately for me I was betrayed very early on in life. Knowing the signs I have been a studious guard of the hen house. Also, knowing I would put a bag of clothes on the front porch in a heart beat has served me well.

There is also great comfort knowing there are plenty of fish in the sea and knowing no matter how much one loves someone, there can be a near infinite amount of better loves around the corner. That’s just statistics.

I am so glad she passed the poly. You are very lucky to be one of the ones that caught things in time. Affairs are like freight trains, they can roll along on sheer momentum once they start. 

Be warned however, your emotions have not caught up with reality. There are five stages to grief and you need to look that up and beware what comes next.

First thing you need to do is understand the physical reasons underlying her actions. Download the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER ( it’s not a sex manual, haha)!

With your wife read: NOT JUST FRIENDS
LOVE BUSTERS 
HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS

Those are the books that have been recommended here countless times and they will open your eyes. For both your sakes google “infidelity statistics.” You will both see how lucky you have been.

Don’t be to hard on the folks here that did not believe your wife. Cheaters all act the same with a tiny # of variances. The odds nothing would have ever happened is near zero given more time. Be proactive in protecting your marriage, nothing can go forever on auto pilot.

This is great news and that is a bit rare around here. Good luck!


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Youtoohuh said:


> "quit reading **** they're just a bunch of bitter weak people with failed marriages filling your head with ****. I wont let strangers write our book and dictate how we're supposed to react."


Interesting comment from a wife who was actively trying to fail her own marriage. None of the strangers in here have lied to you like she did. And note that how YOU react is not up to her to dictate.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Men always do this. They keep moving the "my wife is just an awful person after all" goal posts. They find out about texting. "Yeah well... at least she didn't send nudes!" They find out about the nudes. "Yeah well... at least they never met in person!" He finds evidence that they met more than once. "She says it was just coffee... not even a kiss." He finds out they did it in their bedroom while he was at work. "Yeah, but... she says she doesn't love him!" 

Dude. You caught your wife cheating. She has been knocked off the pedestal. It's over. Sorry.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Many times seeing threads of a returning member that have a title...."You all were right". 

The texting of I, I, I, I really focus on herself. Glad you feel better about hearing these I's. What about you? What is your WW doing to make you feel safe?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

A wife does not need to be on a pedestal.

That might be nice in some romantic movies. Real life people are just people, and some of them have a lot of odd issues.

My wife has issues. After all the hell we went through I am glad I kept her. I believe she loves me. But I know she lies. 

Five years after we were married she allowed a friend to seduce her. The next two years were a living hell for Mary because I kept discovering lies. In spite of her lies I learned a lot about my wife which she had never been able to tell me. 

One thing I learned is Mary liked sex to be much less conventional than I had thought she would want. Also, Mary was diagnosed as a pathological liar. It is a sickness and she can not be cured.

Since 1978 I have established controls over Mary. She does not lie to me because I do not ask her questions. I do not need to ask her questions because I know everything I need to know about her through the measures we have put in place. 

Mary seems to enjoy the constant checking and complete transparency. At times she has stated she finds it very comforting. But... she is a liar.

Since 1980 when I decided to keep Mary our life together has gotten better and better. Yes, I cannot trust anything she says. But she does prove she loves me. I could never ask for a better wife.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> What an interesting day. Well, the majority of you were hmm..flat out wrong on prejudgment. You simply cannot toss EVERY "cheater" into the same category. This process was nothing as I expected and much more thorough than I had thought as well. My wife was a nervous wreck lol.


I understand your relief, but understand not too many here were "wrong". She was following the cheater script to a T. If you think this wouldn't have gone further had you not made the discovery, you are dangerously deluding yourself. She trickle truthed you until she had run out of corners to hide in. Had you not done your homework, you'd still not have anything resembling the true story. 

And she can backtrack now and say it would have "never really happened", but the things she said to you earlier indicated it WOULD have:



> She even admitted that they tried to hook up but timing wasn't right. (More on that in a few) and that it was all just a game to her. *She straight up said they were close and it WAS going to happen had i not found out.*


Don't let your relief that she was not able to actually follow through with what she wanted to (because you busted her just in the nick of time) cloud your judgment or perceptions about where her head was, and what was about to happen. And it's not like some dude jerking it to pictures of your naked wife-which she willingly sent him-is any small deal.



> And for good reason. I've been monitoring her closely and of course her search history as some of you suggested and you know what she said? "quit reading **** they're just a bunch of bitter weak people with failed marriages filling your head with ****. I wont let strangers write our book and dictate how we're supposed to react."


So she's upset a bunch of "bitter" and "weak" (there's a laugh) people with "failed marriages" who have been there and done that are offering up advice to a betrayed spouse? 

Put it this way. You did a good job (being IT savvy enough) in uncovering her lies. Had you not been able to do so, you'd still be stuck in the quagmire of "denied photos, admitted to texts going back over a year after work hours" and running around in circles trying to figure it out while she continued to tell you "he is just a friend, and I am helping him through some issues at home right now. Stop being so jealous". Don't let your ability to uncover the tech trail of answers lead you to believe that folks here were "wrong". Because they weren't. Had she another month or two of this nonsense before you uncovered it, you'd of been in here posting about her texts about this guy blowing jizz all over her face in the copy room, and how much she loved it.

Glad you're in a place where you feel you and the marriage can recover from actual events, but don't let that make you for a second believe that was all that was going to happen. Do be glad you caught it in the nick of time and stopped it. But that has everything to do with you being vigilant and savvy enough to uncover the truth, and ZERO to do with her integrity or honesty at this point.

And I've got news for her (and you). All these "bitter and weak people with failed marriages" have been through the ringer. Her marriage is nowhere near saved. You are in a period of relief right now. It will pass. The hurt will continue. And it will turn to resentment and anger. You two have A LOT of rough road ahead before you can consider your marriage not "failed". It can be done, but a newly discovered and killed affair and the fact you haven't signed on the divorce papers dotted line does not a "marriage" make.

Let's see if she's still willing to do "whatever it takes" 6 months from now when you get triggered and your anger over this issue pops up or you question her about her whereabouts, and she tells you "why can't you just get over this already?"


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> A wife does not need to be on a pedestal.
> 
> That might be nice in some romantic movies. Real life people are just people, and some of them have a lot of odd issues.
> 
> ...


As my wife has said of me on occasion when I'm being particularly hard to get along with: "I put my husband on a pedestal....so that I can get the rope around his neck and then kick it out from under him."


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## why_amihere (Sep 26, 2017)

Youtoohuh said:


> "quit reading **** they're just a bunch of bitter weak people with failed marriages filling your head with ****. I wont let strangers write our book and dictate how we're supposed to react."


Wow....

All these bitter and weak people have been there, done that and made it through to the other side. Maybe you can tell your story to try and help others one day and when you do you will realize that telling that story to comfort other people still brings those horrible memories back to you even if you are successful at R. The bitter and weak people here are some of the most well intentioned strongest people I have ever had the pleasure of communicating with. The way she is/was writing the book, how did that work out?


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## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

VermiciousKnid said:


> Hesitation over poly = still lying.


I think I agree with this.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

RonP said:


> I think I agree with this.


Not necessarily. The reality is that polygraphs have a somewhat bad reputation due to their potential to be wrong. I too would worry if I had to take one, for any reason. Their best use is to elicite a parking lot confession.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LOLOLOLOL

Dude, we’re not writing a damn thing.

_Your *wife*_ wrote ALL this ****.

We’re just reading it.

_And we know how to read in between the lines._

All the poly proved is a) that you don’t mind spending your hard-earned cash on junk science and b) that your wife is far more skilled at deception than you gave her credit for.

You’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

In the meantime, I’d suggest you buy a big box of condoms.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

This is still true. Regardless of whatever a loser I might be.



Youtoohuh said:


> * She has destroyed any trust that we built over 23 years. Destroyed it.*


Edit: I posted too soon.


Youtoohuh said:


> Trust? Hahaha Hell no. What is trust anyway? Is trust not just an illusion? Trust is simply an illusion of this image of "who" you thought a person was. A made up picture in your mind of someone but not actually who they really are at face value. Trust? I don't even trust myself. After going through this, I will NEVER trust another human like I did her (at one point) for as long as I live. when someone says "trust no-one", that really is solid advice...trust me on that


Now you don't believe in trust. Sir, let me tell you something that it is going to take you a lot of pain to understand. Trust is the Stuff that relationships are made of. You have this starry eyed idea that you can have a relationship, with out any trust. But that relationship is made up of Nothing. Smoke mirrors and vapors.

You can brush away trust if you choose. See how long the illusion lasts.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

My gut says your being played but time will tell for you, and tell your wife its not bitterness talking, but experience and wisdom through pain and suffering, and we are happier for that. I wish you luck you will need it...she is cunning.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Youtoohuh said:


> What an interesting day. Well, the majority of you were hmm..flat out wrong on prejudgment. You simply cannot toss EVERY "cheater" into the same category. This process was nothing as I expected and much more thorough than I had thought as well. My wife was a nervous wreck lol. And for good reason. I've been monitoring her closely and of course her search history as some of you suggested and you know what she said?
> 
> "quit reading **** they're just a bunch of bitter weak people with failed marriages filling your head with ****. I wont let strangers write our book and dictate how we're supposed to react."
> 
> ...


I reread this and maybe I'm just too effing cynical but the bolded seems to me her telling you what you want to hear.

And I had to laugh at the part in red: That everything she's been saying is a lie.

A Freudian slip? 

You don't trust her. You shouldn't.


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