# Without a warning. Husband wants to leave me after 18 years



## Jillo123 (Jul 30, 2021)

Hi there, I don't even know where to start. 😔 
Me and my husband have been living in different countries for 2,5 years now. I went to over here with our 2 children, as this is the country where we planned to live after my husbands army career. We wanted the best chances for our children to learn the language, get used to the new culture, built friendships and so on. I must add, I didn't enjoy being where we were based with the army, had no friends and felt very lonely. So we decided TOGETHER that it is best if I start getting settled here with the children. That was April 2019. Everything went well. My husband came to visit on his leave and the occasional long weekend. We knew this wasn't going to be forever and we are strong enough to get through this. Well, March 2020 came and just before the pandemic kicked off, my husband had an accident, was severely injured and couldn't travel anymore. So it all began. Since then we have seen each other twice for a period of no more then 3 weeks at a time. Summer 2020 and Christmas 2020. He left back to work on Jan 3rd. Everything was fine. Daily videocalls... he was always supportive and helpful. The best daddy and husband in the world. Until 3 days ago. We had a few little heated discussions in the past 2 weeks. I guess the impact of not having seen each other in person for 8 months has taken its toll. However, who doesn't argue or disagree from time to time, right? 
So back to 3 days ago. After sulking for a few days without contact, he texts me that I wants to break up. I rang him immediately. No. He doesn't want to save the marriage. 
Just like that. After 18 years. No warning. One of the last texts I had of him a few days prior was that he loves and misses me. 
I can't travel to him. I'd have to go into quarantine. But I am working. I just came off leave. I have 2 children who need to be looked after and have to go to school. 
I could come over without any quarantine. But he doesn't want to. 
I haven't told the children yet. I need him to be here, so we can tell them together in person. He isn't really communicating with me at the moment but is in regular contact with the children over text messages. 
I just don't know what to do. I feel so lost and powerless. 
Thanks for reading. 
X Jill


----------



## Jillo123 (Jul 30, 2021)

*he could come over without any quarantine


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Likely it’s another woman. But he wants to end the marriage. Not a lot you can do.
I’d work toward building a life without him.


----------



## Jillo123 (Jul 30, 2021)

I am suspecting the same thing to be honest... he says, of course, NO.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

They without exception lie, if cheating.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jillo123 said:


> I am suspecting the same thing to be honest... he says, of course, NO.


It is the only logical reason. I can't think of any other reason he would just walk away from a wife and kids, to be alone?


----------



## Jillo123 (Jul 30, 2021)

I never ever thought he would do something like that. We were the " perfect couple". 
It hurts so much. The distance makes it so much harder..


----------



## Jillo123 (Jul 30, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is the only logical reason. I can't think of any other reason he would just walk away from a wife and kids, to be alone?


I know, right? The only other thing I could think of, about 2 weeks ago he started taking anti depressives. And usually, with that sort of stuff it gets worse, before it gets better. Maybe it could be the medication?


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jillo123 said:


> I know, right? The only other thing I could think of, about 2 weeks ago he started taking anti depressives. And usually, with that sort of stuff it gets worse, before it gets better. Maybe it could be the medication?


That could be the case. Those medications change you brain chemistry and can cause many unwanted side effects. That could be explored, but it will be hard to work this out long distance. Has he been struggling with depression for a long time?


----------



## Jillo123 (Jul 30, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That could be the case. Those medications change you brain chemistry and can cause many unwanted side effects. That could be explored, but it will be hard to work this out long distance. Has he been struggling with depression for a long time?


On and off. Ptsd, "daddy issues", his dad left when he was little. His injury. Not being able to be an biological father. ( our kids are adopted. ) , the distance... pandemic... the list is long. 
He always said he could never understood how his dad could to such thing to his mum and kids. He never wants to be a man like him. I just don't understand it. I am here, having to pick up all the pieces with the kids, who have already experienced severe trauma and have behavioural issues. How can he be so cold. Why doesn't he care? I couldn't do enough for us a few days ago...


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’d start the divorce process. If he wakes up before it’s done, so be it. Trying to hope someone wants to be with you is no way to live.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you asked for his reasons?


----------



## Jillo123 (Jul 30, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Have you asked for his reasons?l


Yes. "He just isn't happy anymore" ...but there was no indication. Daily lovely calls, the sweetest text messages... all nice and lovely. Like it always was.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

There's already another woman or he's confident there will be one soon. Sorry, I know it hurts to hear.


----------



## Jillo123 (Jul 30, 2021)

SCDad01 said:


> There's already another woman or he's confident there will be one soon. Sorry, I know it hurts to hear.


Thanks for your reply. I think you are absolutely right.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and look over your phone bill. His new girlfriends number will probably be there.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It could be the depression? I wouldn't disregard that totally.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jillo123 said:


> On and off. Ptsd, "daddy issues", his dad left when he was little. His injury. Not being able to be an biological father. ( our kids are adopted. ) , the distance... pandemic... the list is long.
> He always said he could never understood how his dad could to such thing to his mum and kids. He never wants to be a man like him. I just don't understand it. I am here, having to pick up all the pieces with the kids, who have already experienced severe trauma and have behavioural issues. How can he be so cold. Why doesn't he care? I couldn't do enough for us a few days ago...


Did you tell him that he hated what his father did, and never wanted to be like him, and yet here he is doing the EXACT same thing. I'd be curious about his response to that...


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Did you tell him that he hated what his father did, and never wanted to be like him, and yet here he is doing the EXACT same thing. I'd be curious about his response to that...


Yes. Often people who have a parents who have some sort of character flaw either go down the same road or turn completely the other way. 
He has gone down the same path sadly.


----------



## Jillo123 (Jul 30, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Did you tell him that he hated what his father did, and never wanted to be like him, and yet here he is doing the EXACT same thing. I'd be curious about his response to that...


No, I didn't. Because he is not talking to me anymore. He didn't give me the opportunity of a conversation, other than the one we had when he told me via Videocall. Obviously at the time I wasn't functioning properly. And i just cried and begged.


----------



## Jillo123 (Jul 30, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yes. Often people who have a parents who have some sort of character flaw either go down the same road or turn completely the other way.
> He has gone down the same path sadly.


I am afraid so. But he always detested men like that. Even my brother who only a few months ago did the same to his wife and kids. I just don't get it. The kids still don't know and I really struggle to stay strong.
He doesn't text them first anymore. When the text, he replies. With hearts and how much he loves them. That makes me so angry. If he would really love them so much, he would get his backside on a plane and come over to to the decent thing to talk to them, and maybe me, in person.


----------



## Jillo123 (Jul 30, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> It could be the depression? I wouldn't disregard that totally.


I totally believe it could be to do with it. I would love to talk to him about it. Suggest it might be a reason, but unfortunately he doesn't talk to me anymore.


----------



## Olderwiser (Aug 17, 2021)

My story is almost identical. Everybody told me it was another woman. It wasn't. Like yours, he is away a lot (he is an actor) He is used to not having the family to deal with. The pandemic seemed to throw him into a depression and then one day he told me it was over. Just like that. Two kids, 5 and 10. 

He moved out and started divorce proceedings. He refuses to communicate with me in any way bar through the lawyers, which I refuse to do because it's $500 per email, back and forth. 

Your post struck me because of the similarities. I would never, ever have believed we would have split like this. Neither would any of my friends. There just appears to be NO REASON for it. And the kids are suffering. My eldest won't even stay overnight with him, my youngest does so but returns with a completely different demeanor - less happy-go-lucky. 

We are in mediation but he has now hired a litigator and there is talk of selling the house (where would I live?) I'm a mess.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Olderwiser said:


> My story is almost identical. Everybody told me it was another woman. It wasn't. Like yours, he is away a lot (he is an actor) He is used to not having the family to deal with. The pandemic seemed to throw him into a depression and then one day he told me it was over. Just like that. Two kids, 5 and 10.
> 
> He moved out and started divorce proceedings. He refuses to communicate with me in any way bar through the lawyers, which I refuse to do because it's $500 per email, back and forth.
> 
> ...


There APPEARS to be no reason. I assure you there is. No talk except through lawyers in your situation is really cruel and unreasonable. 
Gotta be a reason. You just don’t know about it yet.


----------



## Olderwiser (Aug 17, 2021)

I agree. And I tend to think the reason he doesn't want to talk to me except through lawyers is because he doesn't want me to ask him what the real reason is. Or maybe he doesn't want to face it himself. 

Thank you for agreeing it's cruel. I'm finding it really hard.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Olderwiser said:


> I agree. And I tend to think the reason he doesn't want to talk to me except through lawyers is because he doesn't want me to ask him what the real reason is. Or maybe he doesn't want to face it himself.
> 
> Thank you for agreeing it's cruel. I'm finding it really hard.


Really, this is incredibly hurtful, I feel emotionally abusive in a huge way.

I really, truly empathize with you on this.
I agree with your conclusion, too. He’s too cowardly to face you, or tell the truth.
I hope you’ll get the divorce and move on fast, although I know firsthand that the pain required to drive the love from someone so they can move on is immense. You’ll heal but the suffering is so hard.
Just know his reason doesn’t matter. The way he’s divorcing you is reason enough to despise him. I’m very, very sorry.

exercise and try to sleep good. Give it some time and the pain will lessen....... eventually.


----------



## Olderwiser (Aug 17, 2021)

Thank you so much. 

I've just found out he is planning selling the house and the kids are devastated. I'm not sure whether to fight it or indeed how to. Most of the lawyers I've had seem completely emotionless and simply say 'that's the way it works'. 

And yet he told our youngest last week that 'things will work themselves out'. 

So hard. Really - thanks for your kind words.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I mean, he's immersed in his own life wherever he is, and it's pretty hard to continue to feel real invested from afar like that. Plus, just sayin, many men just don't consider it marriage if they aren't having sex on a regular basis, so long-distance is different for a lot of them than for a lot of women. 


He kept up his role as father as best he could, but I mean, he's never really there. He has his own life and you and the family have yours. I think he just decided it was a sham. He has his own physical problems, which made his burden greater and daily life more challenging. He may feel he simply can't take on additional problems of managing a family. He may also see himself settling in a different place, but there are still laws about that if you share custody. 

Anyway, sorry it's fallen apart, but I just don't think there was enough to keep it together long-distance like that. I know the choices are both bad: Either uproot your family and follow him around or never see him. I grew up right by an air force base and I felt bad for those poor kids who made friends and then had to move off to Germany or someplace and never see them again. So it's a question of do you make it hard on the kids and keep the wife from having any kind of career by following, or do you have separate lives and take that chance. 

Your comment about the arguing kind of made me raise my eyebrows. Chances are, if you were living together, you'd be arguing more, have more but different issues. Either way, any marriage there are issues. 

The other aspect is he may feel like he's been shaped into a totally different person than the one you married by military life. You may have grown apart but not been in the same room long enough to realize it anyway. But maybe he does. 

Sorry for your troubles. I hope you can sort out the custody.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Is the house in his name?


----------



## Olderwiser (Aug 17, 2021)

I THOUGHT it was in both our names. But now I'm not sure. I keep getting all these surprises....

I can find out though.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Olderwiser said:


> My story is almost identical. Everybody told me it was another woman. It wasn't. Like yours, he is away a lot (he is an actor) He is used to not having the family to deal with. The pandemic seemed to throw him into a depression and then one day he told me it was over. Just like that. Two kids, 5 and 10.
> 
> He moved out and started divorce proceedings. He refuses to communicate with me in any way bar through the lawyers, which I refuse to do because it's $500 per email, back and forth.
> 
> ...


@Olderwiser your story is heartbreaking. But not uncommon, sadly. However, in order to receive the help and support you (and your children) deserve it would be a good idea to start your own, dedicated thread.


----------



## Olderwiser (Aug 17, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Olderwiser your story is heartbreaking. But not uncommon, sadly. However, in order to receive the help and support you (and your children) deserve it would be a good idea to start your own, dedicated thread.


Good point and thank you for the advice. xxxxxx


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Try and stay out of the hopium trap. I love him so he must love me too. Nope, doesn’t work that way.
Right now it would be best to sever any unnecessary contact. If you chase they’ll just move farther away.


----------

