# Her needs for sex after PA with OM



## LoveFightDie (Jun 19, 2011)

my wife wants me to pull her hair during sex, but its what the other man did. when we talked about it she said she liked it, but when i looked disappointed, she said she doesn't want me to do it. she was very adamant that i pull her hair, now she doesn't want me to do it because i know the other man did it. how do i handle this?


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## LoveFightDie (Jun 19, 2011)

thanks, finding. we had a talk about our sex life after her PA, and she was telling me a lot of stuff i didnt know she was into. the pulling hair thing mostly. its like she's either a different person, or she never told me what she wanted.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

LoveFightDie said:


> or she never told me what she wanted.


Is probably closer to the truth. Lack of communication - that was the problem in my marriage too


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My deal is a little oppisite, I was into rough sex and CW was wasn't.

So heres my perspective, since we are making an atempt to R (going well I might add) we are both meeting each others needs. Our behaviors in the past caused this problematic marriage. Basicaly both our needs were not being met and as we drifted apart we did our own thing. For me it was my career, for her it was companionship with young horny men.

It got to a point were we both needed to change behaviors. I guess what I'm saying is her affair was a by product of our unhealthy marriage, so what the OM's did for her or to her was not the point in the R it was how we treated each other and now meet each others needs there by preventing our old behaviors from coming back.

So be it sex or time together or emotional support...what ever, meeting the needs for each other is what counts. We just have to suck it up... man up and do the hard work required to meet each others needs. 

So in closing stop thinking about how the OM did this and that and focus on the healthy reality that you are meeting her needs period...nothing more nothing less. Come on its all about each other now, so don't go back to those old habits that most likely created the affiar. Take the comfort in the fact it is you and only you that your wife is enjoying and you are providing her with pleasure not pain or hurt from a unhealthy sex life and marriage.

She is communicating to you, embrace this and step up to the plate and take your new roll as alpha male with pride and confidence...not questions of doubt.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

Your W likes a little rough stuff. Give it to her - pull her hair, bite her neck, pinch her.. Well, you get the idea. Use the passion you feel for her and go for it. You'll both love it.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I think it is likely that she never told you before probably thinking that you would think it was weird. I think it is less likely that the OM did it, she liked it, and now she wants you to do it so she can think of him. Be thankful you have a woman who likes to play a little rough instead of one that just lays there like a bump on a log. Do some experimentation to see how far you can take it. She wants to be submissive and wants a man who is going to take control in bed.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

By telling you not to do it, she is egging you on. She's playing. She likes it rough and if images another guy doing her roughly don't make you do her roughly, then nothing will. She knows this and is using it to get what she wants. Since this seems like quite a big issue rather than simply a single bedroom trick, it goes far beyond hair pulling. I bet she had her passions rattled by intense rough play and she needs that with you.

Doesn't mean you have to submit to being dominant (?) but could be worth exploring this side of things. You also might find it therapeutic in dealing with her affair and she may as well.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

She may have not even known she liked it until it was done to her. i didn't know certain things turn me on until I started watching porn when my husband was having his affair. Now that we are trying to rebuild I told him about the things I watched and wanted to try and I must say I'm happy I did. Crazy enough though we have never had a problem in that area. He is a sensitive type of love, never rough. Which drove me boonkers sometime now I know why. I wanted it a bit rough.

Enjoy it and explore more. Seems he has peeked her interest with it now you take her futher. It may bring you closer together. Good Luck.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

If this is a trigger for you, don't do it. She's the one who can't demand things from you... OMG you're just coming out of the grief stage and she wants you to do what OM was doing with her. She's probably thinking about him when you do this- NO ****ING WAY!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She going to thinking about the OM no matter what goes on, atleast LoveFightDie can get some spankings in.

Seriously A- I can see your point if thats a trigger, well then there both screwed, now that they can't have sex with out fulfilling each other were do they go from here.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

There's other ways to get a little rough with her- If you know what I mean. He doesn't have to pull her hair just to get her off. I could think of couple of things right off the bat, but won't post them here. But if this particular thing bothers him, he shouldn't have to feel obligated to do it... know what I mean.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

OM kissed her so now what..more triggers.

I mean my wife wasn't a virgine when I met her. I've watched enough porn to know what the hell the OM and my cheating wife did. I made the choice to keep my wife I'm sure as hell not going to let her affair dictate how I have sex with her, but I will learn from it and take from it in that what will better my marriage. 

Ya triggers suck big time, and yes I try to avoid the things that can bring them on, but I'm not going to let her past BS run/ruin my life. I'm better then that crap.. infidelity sucks big time and it will not define me 

Thats just me I guess.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"OM kissed her so now what..more triggers."- You make a good point, but you're not triggered by it- HE IS. He needs to find another way to get her off, while not visualizing. Furthermore, his wife told him that OM did it, and she liked HIM doing it. You can't tell me that as fellow guys, we can't think up of things other than hair pulling. 

By the way, my FIL, on occasion pecked my wife on the lips from time to time, and I didn't trigger. So its a moot point from this aspect.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

a-I like the way you think, yes good and healthy point.. there are other ways to deal with this issue, so it can be worked out with communication between the both of them.

Point well made


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I wouldn't be able to. It would bleed over into hate f^cking. I know it would.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Just find something else a little rough to do. Make something up. Seriously the possibilities are endless. We are all adults here so I'm gonna throw some tame stuff out.

Throw in a little dirty talk.
Get a firm grip on her while your doing it (sholders, butt, legs...whatever)
Put your hands on the back of her head/neck if she goes down on you (dont push though)

She may like the impression that she is being controled, without actually being controlled if you know what I mean. Only you and she can judge how much is enough and how much is too much.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"She may like the impression that she is being controled, without actually being controlled if you know what I mean."- Yup... a little soft choking never hurt no one either, bro.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

In a normal relationship you need to establish some ground rules on what "I like it rough" means. I would have to imagine that coming back from infidelity that's more important that ever. That's just good safe sex practice.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Fk it. Just take her. Go and totally and selfishly take her. Pull her hair. Hold her hands by her wrists above her head. Spin her around. Spank her. Grab her ankles, hold them high. Whatever. If she wants that, give it to her. 

Triggers or no, it's up to you to get past them. The faster you can, well....the faster you can.

Seriously. My wife had an EA only. But lots of dirty talk, of course. The first few times after R, I had triggers just having sex...like if she was imagining the OM instead of me. Finally, I just had enough. I can't be a slave to my triggers. She either wants me in bed, or she doesn't . Not my call. But fk the triggers.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

I think you just need to let her know it's something you may be into... In time... But if it's too soon don't do it. Let her know it's too soon. Do it when you feel comfortable. But le her know that. That it's not something you don't want to do, but if you jump into Otto early, it could take the focus off of th intimacy your trying to rebuild. 

Also, when you are ready, dont tell her, suprise her. Maybe after a bottle of wine. If she's willing to work on the marriage she should understand your position on this , but it does open up the opportunity to learn things that turn her on, as well it's a two way street. If youve wanted to try something and were afraid to speak up before. Now would be the time. What's the worse she can say to you ? Unless it involves farm animals
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Take the opportunity to dig deeper beyond hair pulling to find out what she likes in addition to hair pulling. This isn't about pulling her hair during sex, or the OM. it's about seizing the opportunity for a more satisfying experience, and you should take it by expanding the one specific action to move to a place you're both more satisfied. She's telling you she wants/likes it rougher -- take it to the nth degree, go bananas if you do too, go for it, take it as far as you can, let the walls that used to exist come down. If you don't, yes it's a problem. Talk, research, experiment, and (assuming it suits you) find a way to push the envelope right to the edge and beyond, so that you know it really is too far. The key is getting what you BOTH want out of it, which requires communication in and out of the bedroom now. 

I do agree she's a bit insensitive to asking you to do something the OM did, specifically, as you get through the grief stage. But if you're good with it, youi should take it for what it is - her being open and honest about what she wants... if you're not, then you should be working to get what you want, too, in mutually satisfying ways.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The sex triggers suck big time. Did that in my first marriage, it wasn't fun after a while. This is why my deal breaker is a PA this time around. I will not deal with sex triggers again, not after what happened the first time.


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