# Roller coaster of a marriage



## Buttercup_456

Hello!! My husband and I have been married for less then a year now. Our marriage started off strong but after a month things took a turn. My schedule was really busy, when we first got married. I wasn’t giving him much time and it was him trying mostly. However, when I realized what was happening, he started to back off. It’s like we both were taking turns to distance ourselves. The last few weeks have been good. We were on better terms. However, these last couple days I can feel the distance again. It’s not coming from me anymore. I feel like it’s my husband. He works night shift and I work day time. But I still don’t think it’s normal for a couple to only communicate for 10 minutes within the last 48 hours. We communicate with our coworkers more then we communicate with each other. It doesn’t sit well with me. But I believe it doesn’t affect him. We had this talk before, where I say I’m invested in the relationship more then he is, but it doesn’t stick with him. I feel like he values his alone time more then me and I feel like he misses his single life. When things are good, they’re really good. But it doesn’t last long. I’m now realizing he doesn’t care about my whereabouts. He says he doesn’t want to be controlling and that he trusts me. But I think he doesn’t care. What hurts is that I love him and really want this to work. When I speak he listens and he’s respectful. However, I’m tired of feeling like I’m throwing myself at him. I shouldn’t feel this way with my husband but I do. 

I’m sorry. I just am frustrated and needed to vent.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

I strongly encourage the two of you to seek counseling as you are headed down the wrong road. Communication is the linchpin of a marriage. Without adequate communication your marriage is likely to fail.

There is an excellent book my MC recommended to me Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, PhD. It is about keeping love and intimacy in your relationship. I am halfway through it and it is excellent.


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## LimaTango

I would also recommend book "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" 

It speaks extensively on the dynamic of how men and women often communicate differently. And if misunderstood, it's possible you're inadvertently pushing each other away.


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## EleGirl

Buttercup_456 said:


> Hello!! My husband and I have been married for less then a year now. Our marriage started off strong but after a month things took a turn. My schedule was really busy, when we first got married. I wasn’t giving him much time and it was him trying mostly. However, when I realized what was happening, he started to back off. It’s like we both were taking turns to distance ourselves. The last few weeks have been good. We were on better terms. However, these last couple days I can feel the distance again. It’s not coming from me anymore. I feel like it’s my husband. He works night shift and I work day time. But I still don’t think it’s normal for a couple to only communicate for 10 minutes within the last 48 hours. We communicate with our coworkers more then we communicate with each other. It doesn’t sit well with me. But I believe it doesn’t affect him. We had this talk before, where I say I’m invested in the relationship more then he is, but it doesn’t stick with him. I feel like he values his alone time more then me and I feel like he misses his single life. When things are good, they’re really good. But it doesn’t last long. I’m now realizing he doesn’t care about my whereabouts. He says he doesn’t want to be controlling and that he trusts me. But I think he doesn’t care. What hurts is that I love him and really want this to work. When I speak he listens and he’s respectful. However, I’m tired of feeling like I’m throwing myself at him. I shouldn’t feel this way with my husband but I do.
> 
> I’m sorry. I just am frustrated and needed to vent.


The two of you are not spending enough time together. Without at least 15 hours a week of quality time, just the two, your relationship will fall apart. It's pretty much already happening. Couples who work different shifts have to work extra hard to make sure that they get together time because it's a lot harder for it to happen organically.

There are two books that will help you restructure your relationship to bring back the passion and connection: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs. Read them in that order and do the work they lay out. Then talk to your husband and hopefully he will agree to read the books with you can do the work together to restructure your relationship.


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