# 'Step' Grandparenting



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My daughter and her boyfriend P have a son who is 2. P was married previously, they had a son, and she brought a son to the marriage. So there are 3 boys ages 2, 6 and 10. The older two live with their mom and her partner through the week and for 1 weekend a month, The other 3 weekends they're with P and my daughter. The oldest does not know his dad, he calls P his dad. We do not see the older two anywhere near as often as our grandson, but when we do we have fun with them.

The 10 year old is having problems and it's been decided he's moving in with my daughter and P. I have reservations about this (which I know perfectly well mean nothing because I have no say in the matter) because of the way he treats his 6 year old brother. Basically, he's a huge bully. He does things on the sly designed solely to be an ass and to get a reaction from his brother. Separate the two and get him by himself and he's ok. My worry is that he'll treat the little guy the same, and I am of course more protective of him because he's my grandson. Which probably isn't right either, but we don't have a real grandparent/grandchild relationship with the two older ones. I don't know if we're even considered 'step' grandparents, because they don't live with my daughter full time. Well, till now anyway, the older one that is.

I'm not afraid of the 10 year old bullying the little guy at our place - if/when we babysit we are perfectly fine disciplining him, and his mom and dad are fine with us disciplining too. It's at home I am worried about. My daughter knows exactly what's going on and so does P, but I know that when they're around us they don't always catch it. Who would with three little boys running around?  It should be better with two boys instead of three, right? Also, P's parents watch our grandson also, and they're a lot older and, frankly, slower than we are. So I worry about what the 10 year old is going to do then 

Would you be worried? I am a huge worrier when it comes to the little guy. It drives me nuts, frankly. I also feel somewhat guilty for not feeling the same way about the older two as I do towards our grandson. Maybe guilty isn't the right word exactly though.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cut yourself some slack, how can you not feel closer and more protective of a baby and a baby you've known since birth! Even if the baby was brand new to you you'd still feel more protective over him. 

Have you seen the 10 year old pick on the baby? It's one thing for him to pick on the brother he lives with, normal even to an extent. But picking on a baby...that would indicate some serious behavior problems that you don't mention and since you didn't mention them I'm assuming his issues aren't that serious.

However, the boy is only 10 and being sent to live with his other parent. Why? What are the issues happening and how does your daughter and P intend to address them? That's the only concern you "rightly" can show here. If they have a behavior plan in place, even just a general idea, then the baby should be just fine.

You're in a bit of a tough spot with this boy because the last thing he probably needs is to feel like the unwanted step child by a grandparent. Maybe you could spend some extra alone time with him and develop a better rapport that helps you feel more confident in his behavior with the baby?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Cut yourself some slack, how can you not feel closer and more protective of a baby and a baby you've known since birth! Even if the baby was brand new to you you'd still feel more protective over him.
> 
> Have you seen the 10 year old pick on the baby? It's one thing for him to pick on the brother he lives with, normal even to an extent. But picking on a baby...that would indicate some serious behavior problems that you don't mention and since you didn't mention them I'm assuming his issues aren't that serious.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply  It makes a lot of sense.

I haven't seen him pick on the little guy per se, but he does do inappropriate things. Like pick him up and carry him around and drop him. Despite having just been punished for it. Or taking something away from him.  He doesn't do that very often because the little guy doesn't really react the way the older one wants. (ie he doesn't FREAK OUT like the 6 year old does) but that will change as they get older.

The reason the 10 year old is being moved has to do with stealing more than anything it sound like. I'm trying to get an idea of what the plan going forward is. Part of it is getting him away from some bad influences, but to me that's only a band aid solution and doesn't address the underlying issues. I've suggested therapy, but it doesn't sound like that's happening, not right now anyway.

I like the idea of one on one time with him. I'm going to see if that's an appropriate thing from P and my daughters, and the moms, perspective.


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