# Wife Raped by Ex-Boyfriend



## txredneck (Apr 11, 2012)

O k this is a very difficult situation my wife has been harassed by her ex boyfriend I found out by accident when I took her phone instead of mine (we both have iphones and no covers to distinguish them) When I confronted her about it she told she was afraid to tell me as I have threatened to kill the ex in the past because he raped and then beat her into a miscarriage twice that was all before we became a couple I was just her friend at the time. Now we have been married for nearly six years and after I found out she was being harrased we had blow out she she had he was just trying to get her to met up with him and hastn happened. now three weeks later I found a police report and paper work about a rape kit she says the cops just wanted to do one just in case when she called them I know that is bs. Because that was bugging me I checked her facebook that she left her self logged into on my computer (only did that because She wont talk to me) and found a message to our pastor about her being raped and she is hasn't told how do I confront her with the fact that I know the full truth and I am tired of the lies and to make things worse she may be pregnant and I don't think I could handle raising a kid with out knowing if it is mine or not if not I don't care I just want to know Ill love the kid no matter what.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

*Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.*

How approachable are you to her? You mentioned that you've threatened to kill this guy before - regardless of how you feel, this may be the LAST thing she needs right now and the very reason she is afraid to tell you.


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## txredneck (Apr 11, 2012)

*Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.*



Numb-badger said:


> How approachable are you to her? You mentioned that you've threatened to kill this guy before - regardless of how you feel, this may be the LAST thing she needs right now and the very reason she is afraid to tell you.


I would hope that after 13 years of us being together (7 dating 6 married) that she would know that I am not a violent person and wouldnt try to kill him I havent and since finding out that he has been harassing her that threatened him I just told her to go to the cops. and right now I am only worried about her well being but unless she comes clean completely with me and I feel she wont till I confront her especially since How I have had to find out about everything else about this situation and I dont know how to confront her with out hurting her but the lies hurt me and have ruined any trust I have with her.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

*Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.*

And that is what you must express to her. You do need to confront.


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## txredneck (Apr 11, 2012)

*Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.*

I know I must seem like a horrible person for being mad about the lies with everything shes been through. I am not mad about what happened as I know it was not a concessional act on her behalf, and this another reason I some so confused about how to confront her and what to say. I am sorry I am all over the place seeking help is difficult for me and this situation is wreaking havoc on my emotions.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

*Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.*

I am so sorry that both of you are in this situation... That is truly awful... 

I completely understand why you feel hurt by her not telling the truth about what happened. You *want* to be there for her- you obviously love her very much. 

I have been sexually assaulted twice in my life, and stalked by the perpetrator the second time. It is terrifying, and what I experienced obviously doesn't hold a candle to what your wife went through with that ex. 

I know it might not make sense, but she might feel ashamed of being raped. Like there was something she could/should have done to avoid it, or if she was a better person it wouldn't have happened, etc. She might be thinking that it was her fault she got raped and therefore she should deal with it on her own instead of burdening you. She might feel "dirty" and undeserving of support. She is probably experiencing PTSD and is probably not thinking as rationally as she normally would.

It sounds like she is going to need counseling, probably STD tests (and it sounds like pregnancy test as well), and God knows what else. If the test kit can give a positive ID on the rapist (sounds like the ex?) she may have to go through court to have him put away.

It is ok that you feel hurt. You are allowed to feel hurt that she didn't come to you with this, you really are. 

I personally would suggest a gentle confrontation, saying that you know something happened and you just want to be there for her and that you love her no matter what it was. Unfortunately, saying that you feel hurt right now might not be very productive and might make her feel more distressed about her current situation. 

I could not say whether you should express that feeling right away (and again, it is perfectly valid and understandable to feel that way- I'm not trying to say it is wrong or bad of you) but another poster might have better insight on that than me.

Ultimately though, it sounds like she is going to need a lot of love and help getting past this latest experience. Again, I am so sorry.


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## txredneck (Apr 11, 2012)

*Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.*

Thank you for help kitty I will sit her down and try this approach tho I am afraid if I tell her I found it in her face book she will think I dont trust her and it will make her feel worse. when the hospital did the rape test they did an std test and offered her the morning after pill but she refused the morning after pill as we have been trying to get pregnant which makes this situation a little worse but like i said i even if im not the biological father i will still love and cheerish the child like it was mine as i am adopted and never knew my real parents nor ever wanted to as the people who raised me loved me enough to take me in and care for me getting off topic sorry But I wont be able to rest fully at night unless I know.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

*Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.*

Don't feel guilty. When you went on your computer she was already logged in. You didn't snoop - you discovered. There is a difference.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

*Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.*

I'm going to move this to the general forum and give it a new title. It should get more response.

Sorry you are having to deal with such a horrible situation.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

*Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.*



txredneck said:


> Thank you for help kitty I will sit her down and try this approach tho I am afraid if I tell her I found it in her face book she will think I dont trust her and it will make her feel worse. when the hospital did the rape test they did an std test and offered her the morning after pill but she refused the morning after pill as we have been trying to get pregnant which makes this situation a little worse but like i said i even if im not the biological father i will still love and cheerish the child like it was mine as i am adopted and never knew my real parents nor ever wanted to as the people who raised me loved me enough to take me in and care for me getting off topic sorry But I wont be able to rest fully at night unless I know.


You could tell her you saw it on Facebook or you can try sitting her down and saying that you just know something is going on. She's got to be acting differently- it's why you checked FB in the first place, right? I'm saying you can try to avoid mentioning FB, but obviously if she asks directly you will probably need to tell her that you looked because you were worried about her. Yes, it was an invasion of privacy but it was done with the intent of trying to understand what was going on so you could help her.

Random side note: A lot of posters here advocate spouses having access to each other's email/cell phone/Facebook/bank/whatever other accounts by sharing passwords with each other for transparency. 

It is very sweet that if she is pregnant you don't care who the father is. I obviously don't know what her stance is on it- if she rejected the morning after pill she might want to keep it if she is pregnant. Some women do ok keeping their "rape baby," and if she is one then good for her- if not, the two of you might need to decide if adopting it out or abortion would be needed. A baby that is the product of rape can be very triggering to a woman, so it can make any decisions around it even more emotional than normal... especially if she would be unsure if she was getting rid of your child and not the rapist's. >.> 

If she is pregnant and keeps it, a paternity test can be done to see if you are the father since it sounds like that is important to you. It wouldn't make you a bad father to want to know, particularly since you want to love it anyway. 

If you do confront her, make sure she knows that if she is pregnant you would support her no matter what decision she would choose to make (unless of course abortion or adoption is out of the question for you, I don't mean to assume) and that you would love the child as your own even if genetically it isn't.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Are you saying that she was raped twice by him before you two became a couple and now she has been raped by him, again? How and why did the two of them come in contact after so many years? Please enlighten.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Get the police involved..........


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

snif snif..... somethings dosn't add up.

she needs to tell you the whole truth nothing but the truth.

maybe she cheated with him and is now covering her tracks?


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## txredneck (Apr 11, 2012)

morituri said:


> Are you saying that she was raped twice by him before you two became a couple and now she has been raped by him, again? How and why did the two of them come in contact after so many years? Please enlighten.


From everything I can gather she and he have mutual friends that she is still in contact with and he got her cell phone number and our address from one of them that didn't know their history. She has always felt guilty about their past together and he knows that and uses guilt and fear to control her. The police are involved and a detective from our local police department just called her and is talking to her now as soon as I know more I will share.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

There`s info missing here.

This story doesn`t add up as posted.

Why was she with him in the first place?

Did he stalk her?

How`d he get access to her?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Agreed. Something is fishy here. She must have met up with him. Or, he ambushed her somewhere.


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

She went to see this guy without your knowledge, supposedly got raped, reported it to a pastor and you were left completely in the dark.

She doesn't trust you, she isn't being honest with you and her being raped and harassed by an old boyfriend is the least of your problems.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:scratchhead:

His wife won't have reported it if it was anything but a rape, sure wrong place wrong time but we don't know yet.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Taking the high road here for a second.

I am reading it this way:

1) There was a past rape before they were a couple.
2) There was harassment
3) The husband told the guy to stay away form his wife or he would kill him.
4) The ex-BF later found her and harrassed her.
5) She did not let her husband know. The reasons could be varied but taking the high road again, she was afraid her husband would act on this information. This was a complete FAIL. She should have told her husband. Period. Couples need to face lifes challenges together.
6) She was agian raped. Taking the high road again she was stalked and raped. Yes there are all sorts of speculating that could be done hear.
7) She again did not let her husband know. He should have been the second one contacted if not the first with 911 being one of them. There was a rape kit provided by the police and she was talking to a pastor. No one told the husband.
8) The husband later discovered this by accident.
9) The police are involved but we have no information on whether this guy has been arrested or what.

So I am not going to jump to the conclusion that the wife did any actions that could have helped other than she needed to confide in her husband when the ex contacted her again. I know she is a victim, and so is the husband as far as I am concerned.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> His wife won't have reported it if it was anything but a rape, sure wrong place wrong time but we don't know yet.


If she is pregnant she may have reported after a while. Idunno. i agree. :scratchhead:

A very unclear timeline and lots of missing information. Maybe she saw a pastor and he told her to go to the police.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I fear that she was meeting up with him, and having sex. Possibly she has now calling tape because the bf was going to tell hubby about the sex. 

Her not taking the morning after pill sounds very fishy, as does her not telling you she had a rape kit and talking to the police. Surely you would find out your wife was involved with a rape charge.

It sounds too complicated frankly, and that usually means you are bring lied too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I fear that she was meeting up with him, and having sex. Possibly she has now calling tape because the bf was going to tell hubby about the sex.
> 
> Her not taking the morning after pill sounds very fishy, as does her not telling you she had a rape kit and talking to the police. Surely you would find out your wife was involved with a rape charge.
> 
> ...


This is very possible. I doubt very much the high road I outlined above.


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

the guy said:


> His wife won't have reported it if it was anything but a rape,.


Sure she could have.

False rape allegations happen all the time.

She might be trying to frame him to cover up her illicit activities.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

So what does the rape kit show? Sounds like if there was a rape kit done, police involvement and a perp, doesn't sound like she's a cheater covering her tracks, especially risking jail time for false reports and slander law suites. But hey, I guess she could just be some compulsive liar.


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## txredneck (Apr 11, 2012)

the cops are issuing a warrant for his arrest on the charges of sexual assault and harassment. the police wanted her to come down to the station to talk about everything and make sure she will be willing to testify in court


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> So what does the rape kit show? Sounds like if there was a rape kit done, police involvement and a perp, doesn't sound like she's a cheater covering her tracks, especially risking jail time for false reports and slander law suites. But hey, I guess she could just be some compulsive liar.


Happens all the time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> So what does the rape kit show? Sounds like if there was a rape kit done, police involvement and a perp, doesn't sound like she's a cheater covering her tracks, especially risking jail time for false reports and slander law suites. But hey, I guess she could just be some compulsive liar.


You'd think people would fear being caught inthe lies, but sometime the people doing these things are not the brightest, or sometimes they have fried their brains a bit from drugs, so unfortunately it does happen.

I'm a big defender of wronged women, but when the story gets complicated my radar goes off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You'd think people would fear being caught inthe lies, but sometime the people doing these things are not the brightest, or sometimes they have fried their brains a bit from drugs, so unfortunately it does happen.
> 
> I'm a big defender of wronged women, but when the story gets complicated my radar goes off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let's say for the sake of discussion the sex was consensual but now she's looking to bail on the guy and cover her a$$.

He gets arrested, there's a trial, he says it's consensual, she says it's rape. Her word against his.

Worst thing that happens is she's not believed and he gets off.

She'll STILL say the 'judge got it wrong'.

There will always be doubt.

She still wins.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

txredneck said:


> the cops are issuing a warrant for his arrest on the charges of sexual assault and harassment. the police wanted her to come down to the station to talk about everything and make sure she will be willing to testify in court


So you are going to the police station with her then.

I realize they will want to talk to her alone.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Well I know it does. It just seems like a lot of work to cover something that isn't illegal (while cheaters suck, as far as I know it isn't something you get prison time for) with something that is horrible and completely illegal (false police reports and slandering an innocent person).


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Well I know it does. It just seems like a lot of work to cover something that isn't illegal (while cheaters suck, as far as I know it isn't something you get prison time for) with something that is horrible and completely illegal (false police reports and slandering an innocent person).


Its not a lot of work and people frame other people all the time to make themselves appear to be innocent.

You'd rather believe she's been raped than cheating with this guy but it doesn't seem like that's how it went down.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I`m still not seeing how she got into a situation with him where there was enough privacy to rape her.
He raped her twice before and was abusive, why would she even answer a text from him?

I`m not getting it.

Did he stalk her and assault her or what?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

txredneck, where did the crime take place? When?


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

jectruc said:


> Its not a lot of work and people frame other people all the time to make themselves appear to be innocent.


And people have crimes commited against them every single day and the victims aren't liars or inventing things. Happens all the time. Hopefully, if this guy is guilty, they have enough real evidence to throw his pathetic ass in prison. If she's lying, and they can prove that, she'll spend some time in jail for it.


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I`m still not seeing how she got into a situation with him where there was enough privacy to rape her.
> He raped her twice before and was abusive, why would she even answer a text from him?
> 
> I`m not getting it.
> ...


She got together with him, they were in a car or a hotel, or maybe at his place, they had sex, it all came out, and now she says she did it against her will.

Or something like that.



ScaredandUnsure said:


> If she's lying, and they can prove that, she'll spend some time in jail for it.


Unless there's a video of the act, they can never prove she's lying-only that her story isn't credible. 

She won't do jailtime.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> And people have crimes commited against them every single day and the victims aren't liars or inventing things. Happens all the time. Hopefully, if this guy is guilty, they have enough real evidence to throw his pathetic ass in prison. If she's lying, and they can prove that, she'll spend some time in jail for it.


It is unlikely they will prove her to be lying. It will be his word against hers. She will not be charged with anything. They will not set a precedent like this.


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> It is unlikely they will prove her to be lying. It will be his word against hers. She will not be charged with anything. They will not set a precedent like this.


Right.

But certain indisputable facts will come out during the questioning.

I'll bet my A$$ that "how and where they met for the purported rape" will not be anything along the lines of him stalking her, dragging her into his car, or that sort of thing.

It was a voluntary meeting, one of many.

He'll probably provide documentation of the many times they met up with each other to show it was consensual.

She'll deny, deny, deny but it's going to be obvious that she was with him of her own free will even if the actual sex act cannot be dissected to complete accuracy.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

So if her rape kit came back with tears consistant with that of rape, fluids, etc, that should be scrapped because there is no video of a rape? I don't understand, do you not believe that rapes ever happen?


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> So if her rape kit came back with tears consistant with that of rape, fluids, etc, that should be scrapped because there is no video of a rape? I don't understand, do you not believe that rapes ever happen?


Based on the information provided in this thread, the rape kit will most likely show results consistent with his semen.

This only proves sex happened, not forcable sex.

I believe rapes happen.

I also believe that women sometimes regret having sex and turn the tables on their sex partner and accuse them of something they didn't do, for example if the sex was an extramarital affair and she's in the hotseat and is trying to shift the blame.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

There does not have to be any evidence of forced sex to be rape. There may be. As they say no means no.
But it becomes hard to prove of course. If she met him somewhere that will be weighed. Her meeting him somewhere does not give him the right to rape her. BUT it looks very suspicious. She could have been having an affair with him and it still could be rape. Husbands can be found guilty of rape.


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> There does not have to be any evidence of forced sex to be rape. There may be. As they say no means no.
> But it becomes hard to prove of course. If she met him somewhere that will be weighed. Her meeting him somewhere does not give him the right to rape her. BUT it looks very suspicious. She could have been having an affair with him and it still could be rape. Husbands can be found guilty of rape.


Exactly.

Which is why the rape kit results are not important. I think it can be generally agreed there WAS sex.

Which is why all the details of how and where and how often they met are not all that important.

It all plays a role but it comes down to "he said, she said".

And even if the guy "gets off", the person who started this thread may just come to their own conclusion of exactly who "got off" and deal with her on his own terms.

I'm sure if it comes out that there were many clandestine meetings, and that it happened, say, in his home or in a hotel, he won't feel quite the same way about her "being stalked and forced into having sex".


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> There does not have to be any evidence of forced sex to be rape. There may be. As they say no means no.
> But it becomes hard to prove of course. If she met him somewhere that will be weighed. Her meeting him somewhere does not give him the right to rape her. BUT it looks very suspicious. She could have been having an affair with him and it still could be rape. Husbands can be found guilty of rape.


I'll just wait for the OP to come back and explain what happened. He wasn't real clear on any of it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> I'll just wait for the OP to come back and explain what happened. He wasn't real clear on any of it.


Exactly. Which is interesting in itself is it not?


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Exactly. Which is interesting in itself is it not?


Indeed.


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## txredneck (Apr 11, 2012)

I dont have all the details I am still in the dark about alot of it here's what I know, according to what she told the cops in the original report and what she told them today she answered the text originally not knowing who it was when she found out she told him to leave her alone(this can be proven through the saved messages on her phone) she then wen to a mutual friends of both of theirs and he was there. The friend left to go to the store and left them alone when she tried to leave also he then forced him self on her. it all seems fishy I know and i dont know if i fully believe it but i love my wife and want to work through this and will stand by her side


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You need to check her phone records against the Ex`s number.

You need to do some investigating because seriously this does sound very fishy.


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

I know that if I was in that situation and my friend wanted to make a "quick run to the store" I'd be like "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!" 

Then again, I'm not the shy, bashful type of woman. I'm loud and I'll punch anyone in the face if they piss me off.

I do feel for you, though, txredneck. I cannot imagine what's going through your head right now. You sound like a great guy and I hope you both recover from this.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Yeah, if I showed up to the friends house and ex crazyperson was there, I'd turn my butt around and go somewhere else. I wouldn't stay around even with a friend around, let alone when the friend had to run to the store. No way, no how.


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## txredneck (Apr 11, 2012)

I dont know how to go about checking his phone records but I can check hers


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

txredneck said:


> I dont have all the details I am still in the dark about alot of it here's what I know, according to what she told the cops in the original report and what she told them today she answered the text originally not knowing who it was when she found out she told him to leave her alone(this can be proven through the saved messages on her phone) she then wen to a mutual friends of both of theirs and he was there. The friend left to go to the store and left them alone when she tried to leave also he then forced him self on her. it all seems fishy I know and i dont know if i fully believe it but i love my wife and want to work through this and will stand by her side


So rather than call you to let you know he contacted her, she just happened to immedaitely go to the exact place on this planet where he was. That is incredible.

Then the "friend" left to go to the store. There is no way that she should not have screamed and ran out of the door when she saw him let alone let the only other person in the house leave and go to the store. This guy supposedly raped her many years before. And his first act seeing her again was to rape her again. Incredible.

Then she kept this from you until you found it on her phone. Incredible.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

txredneck said:


> I dont know how to go about checking his phone records but I can check hers


The police will


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> So rather than call you to let you know he contacted her, she just happened to immedaitely go to the exact place on this planet where he was. That is incredible.
> 
> Then the "friend" left to go to the store. There is no way that she should not have screamed and ran out of the door when she saw him let alone let the only other person in the house leave and go to the store. This guy supposedly raped her many years before. And his first act seeing her again was to rape her again. Incredible.
> 
> Then she kept this from you until you found it on her phone. Incredible.


Yeah, story sounds hokey. I could see it if he broke into your home or stalked and followed her to the store and did it in the parking lot at knife or gun point. But to stay in a "friends" home while they run to the store, and be alone with him? I guess strange things happen, but I'm starting to think it's a load of crapola. Sorry OP. You should pull all texts and calls within the last 6 months- 1 year. Depending on your carrier, you might need a court order to do that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Right now the cops are asking themselves the same questions as we are asking. 

This is bad, really bad, because if she is lying (and I think she is) the cops will find out and she will do jail time for false reporting and the OP will end up getting his a*s sued by the old boyfriend.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Call the phone company and get her call and text records. Do it ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> So rather than call you to let you know he contacted her, she just happened to immedaitely go to the exact place on this planet where he was. That is incredible.
> 
> Then the "friend" left to go to the store. There is no way that she should not have screamed and ran out of the door when she saw him let alone let the only other person in the house leave and go to the store. This guy supposedly raped her many years before. And his first act seeing her again was to rape her again. Incredible.
> 
> Then she kept this from you until you found it on her phone. Incredible.


When you put it that way..

I can see the "rapists" defense attorney asking her the same pointed questions. 

Her: "I was frozen in a state of shock and he took advantage of me yet again!".

Yeah ok

If this was my wife I wouldn't wait for the trial.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

txredneck said:


> I dont have all the details I am still in the dark about alot of it here's what I know, according to what she told the cops in the original report and what she told them today she answered the text originally not knowing who it was when she found out she told him to leave her alone(this can be proven through the saved messages on her phone) she then wen to a mutual friends of both of theirs and he was there. The friend left to go to the store and left them alone when she tried to leave also he then forced him self on her. it all seems fishy I know and i dont know if i fully believe it but i love my wife and want to work through this and will stand by her side


This story smells to high heaven. I would bet big money that the previous phone text and call history is going to show ongoing contact, if not extensive contact.

Hope I am wrong. If I am however, your wife has to be the most foolish person on the face of the planet.

If the cops don't do their jobs and interrogate her extremely vigorously as well as tear the cell records apart, I guarantee a defense lawyer will.

Signed, the guy who picked the name Posse for a reason....


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

txredneck said:


> O k this is a very difficult situation my wife has been harassed by her ex boyfriend I found out by accident when I took her phone instead of mine (we both have iphones and no covers to distinguish them) When I confronted her about it she told she was afraid to tell me as I have threatened to kill the ex in the past because he raped and then beat her into a miscarriage twice that was all before we became a couple I was just her friend at the time. Now we have been married for nearly six years and after I found out she was being harrased we had blow out she she had he was just trying to get her to met up with him and hastn happened. now three weeks later I found a police report and paper work about a rape kit she says the cops just wanted to do one just in case when she called them I know that is bs. Because that was bugging me I checked her facebook that she left her self logged into on my computer (only did that because She wont talk to me) and found a message to our pastor about her being raped and she is hasn't told how do I confront her with the fact that I know the full truth and I am tired of the lies and to make things worse she may be pregnant and I don't think I could handle raising a kid with out knowing if it is mine or not if not I don't care I just want to know Ill love the kid no matter what.



First I want to get your story straight

Are you saying that you were friends with a woman (who is now your wife) who was beaten by her boyfriend into a miscarriage and raped by him? You two dated then married. Now 6 years after marring her you find out that her ex-boyfriend is harassing her? And you think she was raped by him again recently but you don't know because she wont tell you? Is this correct? 

The police report you found was of a recent date or was it dated before you guys started dating? What makes you think she is pregnant? Why doesn't she have a restraining order against this guy?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You need counseling.
Yes you are her husband and you offered your support but she refused. You can't do anything about the past. It sounds like you are bashing your head against a concrete wall here. If your wife doesn't do the things she needs to do to protect herself, and her relationship with you, then you need to start doing things to protect yourself, from being in turmoil in this relationship. 
Sure, it would be great to have her do all the sorts of things one is supposed to do given an ex and harassment and rape and so forth. Clearly, that is not going to happen any time soon. You can improve your situation by disengaging, and doing damage control within your own boundaries. Your wife is an adult, you cannot force her to do anything in terms of how she handles this. You can collect all the evidence you want, it's not going to help, there was no crime perpetrated against you personally, so it's not your trial. Honestly, I am thinking a good book, and a vacation would be the best thing.


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## Gooch78 (Mar 19, 2012)

Get the police involved, convince her to approach the cops, she needs your support, and you'll need support!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If the police have been informed that her ex raped her and have issued a warrant for his arrest then it is most likely that she had been sexually assaulted by him. The guy has done this before without paying any criminal consequences, so the likelihood of him repeating it is very high.

Now as far as her clueless friend leaving her alone with him, I can see that happening. If that friend was never made aware of the history of his behavior towards her friend. I seriously doubt that she would have allowed him inside her home, allowed her victimized friend to come see her while him having shown his face (most likely would have warned her about his prowling presence) and would never have left her alone if she happened to show up.

Until otherwise proven, I tend to believe the OP's wife assertion that she had been raped.


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## harpongs (Apr 10, 2012)

morituri said:


> If the police have been informed that her ex raped her and have issued a warrant for his arrest then it is most likely that she had been sexually assaulted by him.


Do you have any idea how many times false charges are pressed, bogus restraining orders are filed by (mostly) women using the legal system as a tool to further their own means, whether its posturing for a favorable position in a divorce or getting the heat off of them when an affair is discovered?

The courts are quick to sign on the dotted line because no judge wants to see his or her name in the morning paper after some stalker murders a victim because they were skeptical about the grounds for issuing a warrant.

That does NOT mean the charges are legit.



morituri said:


> The guy has done this before without paying any criminal consequences, so the likelihood of him repeating it is very high.


You don't know what he did before, all you know is that he was "accused" of doing something and he was found to be not guilty. 



morituri said:


> Now as far as her clueless friend leaving her alone with him, I can see that happening


You can see a clueless friend leaving her alone with an exbf that supposedly raped her. Sure, people are stupid and maybe he was completely unaware of the history and forget about the crazy odds of her former exbf stalker being at the house by some crazy coincidence. She gets there, sees the crazy exbf stalker.. and what does she do.. does she leave? No. 

The friend leaves! At which point the woman chooses to do what.. leave? No. She stays there, alone in the house with the crazy ex stalker boyfriend so he can rape her again.

Makes perfect sense to me!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I agree with morituri in the above in wanting to support a woman who may very well have been raped. I get it. Let me be clear I find the story itself to be incredible. Life can be incredible. Sometimes things feel contrived. My radar is up. I am skeptical but not commiting to where that skepticism lies.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I agree with morituri in the above. Let me be clear I find the story itslef to be incredible. Life can be incredible.


This thread is very strange.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

The only part of the story that makes my head want to pop, is that she stayed, after the friend left. If this man raped, beat her to the point of miscarrying, and just in general sounds like a real piece of fecal matter, why in the world would she stay somewhere alone with him? Why not hightail it out of there when she saw he was there, and tell the friend she'd visit some other time/place?

If he's guilty, I hope like hell that he gets the prisontime he deserves. But if he's not guilty, I hope like hell he doesn't get thrown into prison for a lie. 

OP I'm wishing you the best. Either way this goes, it's going to be a bumpy road. Best wishes to you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> ... Is it really a stretch to think she chose to stay in the house when her friend left?


Um yeah, it is for me. Why didn't she just do a 180 the second she saw him and head back to her car? Why did she go in the house? If were a woman, and I saw a man who raped me, I would have high-tailed it outta there. No questions, no goodbyes. 

Her story makes no logical sense. There either has to be more details as to why she stayed with him, or she's flat out lying.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Be as kind, gentle, and protective as you can. You want her to feel safe and if she is afraid that you're going to kill or harm the guy is not going to help her feel safe. Make sure she knows that you love her and do not think badly of her or negatively toward her. Let her know that you are strong enough to share the burden of her pain.

Since you already know that she has confided in the pastor and you know that she trusts him, why don't you also go talk to him and let him know what you discovered and how. Perhaps he may be able to mediate a conversation between the two of you in which you guys can figure out how to connect with each other and be there for each other.

I'm so sorry for what you're both going through. If it is possible to take legal action (and if she wants to take legal action), then I think you should pursue it.

Though you may be tempted to hurt the guy, don't. You could risk getting in trouble yourself, and that leaves your wife unprotected with this predator around.


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## chicago1234 (Jun 30, 2012)

Not sure if you're still checking this site, but let me share a different perspective that may help, based on my experiences.

1. Your wife was horrifically abused by this person in the past. I assume you believe that with your head and heart
2. Women who are abused often form "betrayal bonds" (aka trauma bonds) with perpetrators. Great book by Carnes on this subject that you should 100% buy; I bet it will read like a script of her life
3. You are probably pulling your hair out. Saying "how could you stay alone with that animal!" Same thing happend in my relationship. My wife was raped, and I am struggling mightily to wrap my head around it and believe it too. She did not "make this up" - the shakes, tears and hurt - which did not come out at first, but took time as whe works through it - are very real.
4. If you're like me, you are searching desperately for answers. Unfortunately, you are not going to find them on the internet- trust me, I've tried (thus my reading your post and being online this morning). These people have not gone through what you and your wife have. Unless you've been raped, you just don't get it and are influenced by myths propogated by the media/movies (if there was no fight, where's the bruises, etc.)
5. Get counseling for yourself. YOU will need to heal, and that healing can only come from you. You will never know for sure what happened, but you have been hurt - whether directly by infidelity or indirectly by abuse to your wife.

God bless you, you are in my prayers


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