# Should we be "Roomates"



## RBgirl (Feb 3, 2013)

I need some advice. I love my husband, but we have had some serious problems. The can't seem to get the man I married back. He is an addict. Went to treatment. Things were good for a little while. He relapsed. There has been lies, manipulation, and major controlling behavior. I lost all trust with him and started snooping and looking at his phone and finances because he was lieing to me. Things escalated so badly that we were at each others throats every day fighting and it started getting scary like it might get physical. I finally got him to leave and move out. He has been in a hotel room for the past 4 nights. I have been going absolutely crazy without him. I miss him so much. I am lonely. He says he still loves me to, but we both agree that separating is the right thing to do. He wants to "see what happens" and see if maybe things work out in the future and we stay married. 

When I finally got to an emotional state where I was able to stand up to him and tell him that I will not take him back because he treated me so badly he proposed that maybe he could move back in and we be roomates with separate bedrooms. The reason for this is financial for both of us. I am unemployed and can't pay the rent or the bills on my own. He can't afford to pay my bills and a new place to stay on his income. I have not worked in a long time and I am having a hard time finding a job making what I made before. The reason I do not work is because we have an 18 month old and he wanted me to be a stay at home mom which I want to be so much. 

I just need some advice. What should I do? Does anyone think this could work? What kind of rules or boundaries should be in place? With him saying maybe if we are roomates and we might be able to find that love again that we had at the same time. I just don't know. I can't make it financially on my own right now and so that is what is in it for me if I accept. Anyone been there and done that??


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Tough call. Do you miss him as he has been in recent times or do you miss the person you first married? I have no experience with a partner with an addiction problem but I have had a few friends go down that path and I do not consider the 'addicted' person the same as the person I knew. I am 10 months into my separation where my wife walked out on me - I get lonely and I miss her BUT not the person she is now, I don't even know who that is - I miss the person I fell in love with prior to her mid-life brain snap.

I struggle financially as I am self employed (income goes up and down) and need to pay the full mortgage on the marital home which I reside in with my son. It is hard and your circumstances sound like it would be more difficult. But being separated under one roof is very tricky - we did it for a few months whilst my ex looked for a rental place to move into. I still had a physical and emotional attraction to her and wanted to reconcile but she had checked out completely. It was like living with a flatmate you have a crush on but there is nothing you can do about it. 

Your relationship sounds more salvageable than many of us on here. You miss him - he says he still loves you. But I would think that a serious reattempt at treatment for the addiction is necessary (to the point of full recovery) - especially if it was causing things to almost escalate into near physical violence. You should also attend marriage counselling to explore your feelings for each other and hopefully reconnect...but I don't think you can seriously do that until the addiction is addressed. It can be done - I have a friend who was on a $400 a day habit, turned to prostitution but has been clean for 7 years and is a wonderful mom.

As I said - tough call given your financial position and the above are just some of my opinions based on what you have said. Hopefully you will get replies with others here that have more experience with addiction.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Hi, In some ways I am the H in your situation. No addiction but enough changes to the way I acted and treated Mrs.C to be be pretty similar.

I have a lot of issues to work on but she was always my crutch so that I could avoid doing so. You guys need to consider just how separate you could manage to be living under the same roof. Will he really learn to stand on his own living with you or will he want to lean on you some more to get through? Will you be able to actually let him stumble, maybe even fall being so close or will you automatically be catching him?

We have been separated since November but I only moved out on the 7th Jan, let me tell you, it was so hard to not seek her emotional support before that. I still love my wife and she is open to seeing where we end up down the line but right now, even if we get back together, I will be staying at my rental till I/we can trust me to continue treating her right and being a partnership in every sense rather than one of us being an emotional crutch.


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