# Physical violence threats



## descarado (Mar 13, 2012)

Hello all, 

I've posted in this forum before, back when I had issues with my wife using sex as blackmail.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/56055-sex-blackmail.html

While that problem has been resolved, I've found a new, rather more disturbing issue. When my wife gets very, very angry, she'll resort to threats of physical violence. 

IE, her first level of anger involves her throwing stuff around (although she's "matured" from throwing plates to throwing her stress ball, or stuffed animals).

But if she gets even more angry, then she starts talking real violence, and doing violent actions: stabbing the chopping block with a knife, for instance. Then screaming stuff like, "You piss me off anymore and it might be you next."

I tell her that I don't respond to threats and that these type of threats will lead to the destruction of our marriage. She then tells me that this is no threat-- it's her telling me, matter-of-factly, that this is what she feels like doing.

This type of stuff SCARES the living crap out of me. An instant change from a sweet, funny girl to someone matter of factly saying that she'll stab me.

She says the only way to resolve it is to not piss her off that bad, and she says she gives out a lot of warnings before her anger goes to that level. That's actually true, but I figure there's NOTHING in a relationship that should spark this type of behavior.

What do I do? Take her to a psychologist? She's always had anger issues, which she's tried to deal with via meditation and stress balls and such, but while it helps her deal with her day to day anger it sure ain't helping when she gets REAL angry...

To give some context, we've been married now six years and I think I've seen this before two or three times now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude when I was slaping my old lady around i found that it was getting more and more violent, IE hitting the wall to fake hitting her to hitting her.
I know anger and your old lady will phuck you up one of these days cuz this sh1t grows and it gets worse until you get the help.

It took a year of anger management to get my crap together. That was 52 sessions, with a great shrink and rewiring my brain. 

Until your old lady checks her self she will make a very bad choice that will cost her a lot.

My advice sir, is until *you* give her a consequence that will change her behavior...she will continue with this bad behavior and hence the change she will make to keep her family intacked.

Its tough brother , but you can't nice your why out of this sh1t...what sucks id she might never change no matter how much she looses...but then again lets hope I'm totaly wrong here!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

On a side note, I was beating on my old lady cuz I suspected her cheating on me. For what its worth she kept screwing around even when I was still hitting her.

The point is your chick ain't going to change a damn thing with this behavior...

Even though my old lady was still screwing around my sh1t was all about me and it was all about fixing my self....my old lady screwing around was all on her and her adultory, just like my anger was all on me and how I didn't like the person I became .

Poelpe like me and your chick get help cuz we don't like what we have become no matter who in in our life of what excuses we have ...at the end of the day its about us and until your chick figures that out and take action and stops using words to *try* to fix her shqt she won't get it.

Tough love isn;t about what we abusers have to go through, its about what our loved one go through.. having to be tough in letting us go cuz were so phucked up.

Letting your chick may be the hardest thing you have to do, but it just might save her no matter if your still around or not.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If you give in to the fear of what she might do then she wins and will continue to use intimidation as a tactic to force you to do whatever she wants. I might get flamed for this but personally, I would fight back. No need to hit her, at the worst case you only need to restrain her. If you have no martial training just join a short security training course for basic grappling.

Turn the tables on her, and if she brandishes a blade I would move in to restrain her physically. But that's just me, I don't take sh-t like that. Another way, which would be risky is that you could also call her bluff and chances are she'll probably just break down crying instead - OR her rage will overtake her common sense and you'll have to restrain her anyway. But that's just what I've experienced when STBX chucked her hissy fits. 

Anyways a stabbing isn't that bad depending on where you recieve it, most clothing do provide some protection so use it. Unless of course she pulls out a gun or revs up a chainsaw or something heh - I wouldn't worry about any permanent damage from what she might do, though if she does start chasing you around with a chainsaw... then well, different story.

All I'm trying to say is, don't let her push you around. Push back and assert your strength, she might act all b-tchy and angry trying to scare you but you will be surprised how quick she will panic once she realises she can't bully you around.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

the guy said:


> Dude when I was slaping my old lady around i found that it was getting more and more violent, IE hitting the wall to fake hitting her to hitting her.
> I know anger and your old lady will phuck you up one of these days cuz this sh1t grows and it gets worse until you get the help.
> 
> It took a year of anger management to get my crap together. That was 52 sessions, with a great shrink and rewiring my brain.
> ...



You're not wrong at all. This will escalate to actual physical harm.

OP, you must get out. This doesn't mean you have to end the marriage. It just means that you send a clear and unequivocal message that you will not live in a home where threats to harm you take place. You will not come back to home unless/until she has worked on herself.

I have seen your other thread and I'm not sure why you are still minimizing her behavior? I know there is a stigma attached to being an abused husband, but your life is a hell of a lot more important than that stigma!


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## descarado (Mar 13, 2012)

hello all,

thanks for the advice. i've been giving this more thought as a result.

anon,



> I have seen your other thread and I'm not sure why you are still minimizing her behavior? I know there is a stigma attached to being an abused husband, but your life is a hell of a lot more important than that stigma!


the reason why i do so is because 1. it's not as if this is a daily thing-- we have arguments quite rarely and something like this, as said, two-three times in six years. 2. she does try to improve. she used to have even worse anger management issues, so she took up yoga, meditation, and to using a stress ball. it's helped with her day-to-day stress and anger but obviously it's insufficient for her much more deep-seated anger problems.

that's not to say any of this behavior is acceptable.

she's been open to going to anger management courses or seeing a therapist, so i'll arrange that for her now. and if this happens again, then i'll just make arrangements to live with a friend or at a hotel until she learns not to do so. and if this continues, then yes, i'll consider all my other options.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

descarado said:


> But if she gets even more angry, then she starts talking real violence, and doing violent actions: stabbing the chopping block with a knife, for instance. Then screaming stuff like, "You piss me off anymore and it might be you next."
> 
> I tell her that I don't respond to threats and that these type of threats will lead to the destruction of our marriage. She then tells me that this is no threat-- it's her telling me, matter-of-factly, that this is what she feels like doing.
> 
> This type of stuff SCARES the living crap out of me.


As it should. Your wife sounds unstable, manipulative, emotionally abusive and maybe like she has a personality disorder. 

You can't control her but you can let her know how this makes you feel.

If she tries anything funny, call the cops. 

She is abusive.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> As it should. Your wife sounds unstable, manipulative, emotionally abusive and maybe like she has a personality disorder.
> 
> You can't control her but you can let her know how this makes you feel.
> 
> ...


You should press charges on even threat of physical abuse. It's your only response and can be a bucket of cold ice water of reality. Not doing it, allows things to spiral even more out of of hand.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> As it should. Your wife sounds unstable, manipulative, emotionally abusive and maybe like she has a personality disorder.
> 
> You can't control her but you can let her know how this makes you feel.
> 
> ...


You gotta get out of there. That thing inside of her that allows her to do that to you, will rationalize stabbling you in your sleep...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Trey, I agree with you about her being capable of doing it. People who say they are serious and have no problems with speaking to someone this way, making threats like this are definitely capable of carrying it out.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Trey, I agree with you about her being capable of doing it. People who say they are serious and have no problems with speaking to someone this way, making threats like this are definitely capable of carrying it out.


The display of violence and threat of violence is a violent act in itself. Violence grows like sipping on alcohol. You start out as a kid "uggh, how can anyone like this..." Then later your drinking it like water. I wouldn't let them progress it any further, stop it in it's tracks.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It still sounds like just a case of acting up to me, but that's just my opinion, especially considering her pattern from blackmailing to this.


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## descarado (Mar 13, 2012)

well, i confronted her about the behavior yesterday. after trying to work herself up into some indignation, she deflated like a balloon and apologized for her behavior/threats.

she agreed to find and take an anger management class. i said if this wasn't enough, i'd be more than happy to go to couple's counseling, as well. and if this type of behavior happened again, i'd move out to a hotel until she got her crap together. 

i mentioned that it just wasn't normal to make these type of threats or worse, to say they were just statement of fact. no matter how angry i got with her, i'd never consider beating on her. i think that's when it got through and she started crying. 

in any case i think...or hope...she got something out of this. today's her bday, hope it doesn't get too awkward! 

anything i did right? wrong?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Good job. You set down clear boundaries along with clear consequences. Now you MUST be prepared to walk out the door the very second she makes any threatening gesture or says the words. Keep an overnight bag packed with a simple escape essentials. Dont give her any warnings AT ALL! She grabs a knive and stabs the cutting board while angry with you. You walk to your over night bag and then you walk out the door. No Conversation, no replies, no look back, except to make sure she isn't following you with the knife... You simply walk away and out the door. THIS will communicate that your boundaries are NOT to be tested!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

And she will test them at some point. If you fail the test, you're back at square one.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

I have found it more useful to keep the overnight bag in the car. You basically want to give as few warnings as possible. It is also preferable to set up an acceptable place to stay the night in advance. I can guarantee that finding a hotel/motel late at night is a PITA.

Beyond that, it may be wise to have a chat with the local police department and any friendly neighbors, just to give them a heads up. And carry a cellphone or other recording device. 

DV enforcement in the US is not even-handed towards men. So, your wife can, if she so chooses, slam her head into the wall and call 911. They'll put you in jail on no evidence. Any self-defense beyond the absolute minimum to avoid serious injury is probably not a good idea. (Personally, I'd prefer soaking up a few bruises first if the police are likely to be involved.) In practice, not that she will necessarily try that, a fair number of men have avoided jail time by recording violent interactions as they happened. Concealed recording is technically illegal, but it seems that, in cases of violent assault substantiated by recording, people are rarely/never prosecuted for those recordings.

That said, your most recent interaction seems hopeful. 

--Argyle


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Several different types of mental illness come to mind when I read this. You need to get out and take care of yourself. Talk to family members or someone who might could help convince her to seek some therapy. It might be a good idea you seek some for yourself as well. You have been effected by her damaging behavior.


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