# Prisoner in a dark room



## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

Some years ago l my marriage for + 20 years ended. I meet a man l instant feel in love with. He said and did all the right things. And he gave me a lot of compliments and attentions, made me feel l was on the top of the world. We got married 1 1/2 years ago, and l believed l had married an angel. 
Just before our first years celebration l found out that he was on several dating pages. And that he had been on them the whole time we had been together. Pretending to be divorced. He was also chatting intimate with his old girlfriend, pretending to be single. It broke my hart, and took away my value as a person and wife. He told me it had nothing to do with me, he just needed the kick those chats gave him. 
He promised to delete all apps and stop chatting with other girls including old girlfriends. Which to my knowledge he has done. My problem is that something broke inside me, l cry during daytime, during the night when he is asleep. I lost my energy and just feel depressed. Since he stopped chatting his behavior towards me changed. He is no longer gives me compliments, he show me less affection and sometimes l feel that he say or do things just to hurt me, because he know the effect of his words or actions. 
He even told me that his mother is upset with me because l " as the jealous wife" has denied her son to stay in touch with his old girlfriends, something that ruins her update about how they are doing and also conversations about previous memories. Even though l told her that he had taken his old girlfriend out to dinner, letting me believe he had to work extra, or spent time private with her, which made me feel uncomfortable. I am not jealous of nature but strange behavior and lies makes me suspicious. 
Divorce is not an option for me, l know that "the grass is not greener on the other side", and since he is changing l hope we can save our marriage.
My biggest problem is the feeling of hurt and worthlessness l feel. I can explain my feelings and he tells me he will pay more attention to me, but it is only words. Sometimes he even says mean things but with a smile, like it is a compliment. 
I feel l am walking around myself and are so tired of being sad all the time. My trust in him also is gone, which makes me even more sad. Because l feel like a prisoner in my life. Suspicious when he suddenly gets texts and when he switches pages on his telephone when l walk into the room, or turn his phone upside down. Sometimes l think he does those things deliberately just to hurt me, see the pain in my expression. I wonder........


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

From what you said, he is still doing it and his mother is more or less encouraging him. No wonder he is the way he is with a mother like that. 

I am afraid that you have married a man who has no intention of being faithful or of being a good respectful loving husband,or of telling you the truth. 
Unless he dramatically changes I don't think you will ever have good happy marriage. 

Its highly likely that he has cheated physically as well,being that he has met at least one of these women more than once. 

I am sorry but sadly you have married a man with no integrity or moral values. You fell in love before you knew anything about him.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Did his mother really say that? It’s clear he does not know where the boundary lines are because his mum condones his interactions with exes. That’s unfortunately not the worst of your problems. 

I feel sad for you. Your self esteem is in a mess. Are you in IC? If not you should think about it. I’ve learnt in my marriage that my self worth is not determined by my husband. I love my husband, but I don’t depend on him to make me feel good about myself. You need to focus on getting your insecurities sorted through counseling. 

You need to stop letting your husband be your entire world. I feel from your post you’re very focused on him and whatever he says and how he treats you determines how you feel. 

First work on yourself then think about whether you want to continue in this relationship.


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## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> I'm very sorry, but he's not changing. He just got caught. And he very much resents you putting a damper on his running around, so he's punishing you. And he's actually hoping he can make you so miserable on account of discovering that he's exactly the kind of rat he wants to be that he can go right back to cheating, maybe a little more careful. But he's really hoping he won't have to be so careful as to cramp his style too much because you'll be so scared that you won't look and will ignore what you accidentally see. If he had actually been contrite and those relationships with other women innocent but hurtful, he would be being genuinely kind to you. The fact that he's being nasty shows clearly that he likes his relationships with them more than he want a decent relationship with you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...







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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

There is a thrill to meeting new people. It has been mentioned by people quite often.

But it is, of course, destructive to any existing relationship. It hurts those who love the one pursuing the new meetings. Such as you.

Your husband cannot love you and do these things. I cannot believe a person can love someone and choose to do these things.

Some people may say an addicted person might. But I don't buy that. That's just making excuses.

As for his mother, you said your husband told you what his mother thinks. Do not believe anything your worthless lying husband tells you. 

YOUR HUSBAND IS A LIAR.

I have a lot of experience with lies. Your husband breaths lies as easily as the breeze that blows when you walk out your door. Do not believe anything he has ever told you. Ever!

He DOES NOT LOVE YOU. His actions prove that. If he was a pet dog and treated you this way you would know he does not love you, and you would not hesitate to get rid of him.


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## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

pragmaticGoddess said:


> Did his mother really say that? It’s clear he does not know where the boundary lines are because his mum condones his interactions with exes. That’s unfortunately not the worst of your problems.
> 
> I feel sad for you. Your self esteem is in a mess. Are you in IC? If not you should think about it. I’ve learnt in my marriage that my self worth is not determined by my husband. I love my husband, but I don’t depend on him to make me feel good about myself. You need to focus on getting your insecurities sorted through counseling.
> 
> ...




I know, l had walked out of something that was slowly killing me. I left my country, friends and everything behind in search of a new life. I know l try too hard to be a good wife, to make him feel good. I also know that l am in a one way street. That l need to change, it is just that l am not there yet. 
But for me what l did today by writing it down, putting words on my pain helps. l could not share any of this with anyone, to hurtful. And to humiliating. The last 6-7 months has been so hard.
What is IC?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

IC is Individual Counseling.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I can tell you from experience that the grass is, indeed, greener when you leave a man who is a liar and a cheat.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@steven.lill how long after your marriage ended did you start dating your current husband?


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> @steven.lill how long after your marriage ended did you start dating your current husband?




Years) l knew better than to jump from one to another
My ex and l have an friendly relationship. No hard feelings between us. 


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Does he work? Do you work outside of the home? Which of you earns the most$$$? I wonder why a man who has no intention of being faithful would get married just seems kind of stupid unless there is a big monetary gain. You should go see a Dr and get something for depression wellibutran or Paxil. My Sister caught her husband cheating on her and like you she was devastated but then she took His American Express card and bought a brand new BMW z4 convertible she is a very attractive woman long blond hair she said at the time “ can’t waituntil he hets his new statement. She wiped out their joint savings account and just up and left him 
That was a little over a yr ago the lawyers are still fighting over the money but she is happy in her new life.


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## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

I promised to love my husband for good and worse. I feel that leaving him is to easy. Maybe it sounds naive but what about second change? What about giving people a change to change? I am thinking that sometimes we do things without realizing we hurt other, maybe it is learned behavior or we just don't understand the consequences it brings on. I am not trying to make excuses, but explanations. There is no excuses for bad behavior but there can be explanations for why we act or do things. If bad behavior is not corrected or if it has been accepted we will always bring that with us. Putting my hurt feelings aside, l can also se that there is changes in his behavior that is for the better. I know he has talked to a close friend which in turn has given him some good advices. l like him has a lot of feelings to sort through. And that communication also can solve things. Maybe l just need to put hurt feelings and sadness away and start being constructive to build bridges between us. Thank's to all who has taken the time to respond. I hope l can save my marriage rather than walk away. If not, l know that if l later down the road walk away it can be with the same confidence l in my decisions that l always have had. Knowing that l gave it my best)


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## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

David51 said:


> Does he work? Do you work outside of the home? Which of you earns the most$$$? I wonder why a man who has no intention of being faithful would get married just seems kind of stupid unless there is a big monetary gain. You should go see a Dr and get something for depression wellibutran or Paxil. My Sister caught her husband cheating on her and like you she was devastated but then she took His American Express card and bought a brand new BMW z4 convertible she is a very attractive woman long blond hair she said at the time “ can’t waituntil he hets his new statement. She wiped out their joint savings account and just up and left him
> That was a little over a yr ago the lawyers are still fighting over the money but she is happy in her new life.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




We are equal when it comes to finances) 
l am happy for your sister))


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

steven.lill said:


> I promised to love my husband for good and worse. I feel that leaving him is to easy. Maybe it sounds naive but what about second change? What about giving people a change to change? I am thinking that sometimes we do things without realizing we hurt other, maybe it is learned behavior or we just don't understand the consequences it brings on. I am not trying to make excuses, but explanations. There is no excuses for bad behavior but there can be explanations for why we act or do things. If bad behavior is not corrected or if it has been accepted we will always bring that with us. Putting my hurt feelings aside, l can also se that there is changes in his behavior that is for the better. I know he has talked to a close friend which in turn has given him some good advices. l like him has a lot of feelings to sort through. And that communication also can solve things. Maybe l just need to put hurt feelings and sadness away and start being constructive to build bridges between us. Thank's to all who has taken the time to respond. I hope l can save my marriage rather than walk away. If not, l know that if l later down the road walk away it can be with the same confidence l in my decisions that l always have had. Knowing that l gave it my best)
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


 #
A second chance will only work if he is completely repentant, has a complete change of heart, and does all he can to enable you to trust him again. So giving you complete access to all of his phones ipads etc and promising to never ever go onto any such sites again, and to agree to have good strong boundaries with other women.
You may need to make it clear that if he ever does this again the marriage is over, otherwise he will think that he can just carry on like this with no consequences.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I'm sure you do feel hurt--- I would too. But individual counseling would help you-- maybe even marriage counseling would help if you would like. Also my spouse says things to me that his parents say about me or whatever-- I don't believe any of it. I think it's a means of intimidation by him, trying to get the 'ok' that it's alright what he is doing.


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## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

I'll think l need counseling, need help to see the big picture. Yesterday he started mocking me when l asked him why he stopped using my nickname. ( my worries is that he is taking revenge, because he is not allowed to have any contact with ex's or other girls) he was so mean telling me that my question was trivial and he did not feel for answering, and some other mean things. I know l am getting depressed which is no help. My thoughts and worries is eating me up


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Lose the loser. Why waste any more of your life on someone like that?

And be very, very careful if this happens again: " I meet a man l instant feel in love with." Instant love is just infatuation. True love takes time to develop.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's not remorseful. 

He's mad at you for taking his fun away. 

Is this how you want to live your life? If not, move on because he's not changing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

steven.lill said:


> I know, l had walked out of something that was slowly killing me. I left my country, friends and everything behind in search of a new life. I know l try too hard to be a good wife, to make him feel good. I also know that l am in a one way street. That l need to change, it is just that l am not there yet.
> 
> But for me what l did today by writing it down, putting words on my pain helps. l could not share any of this with anyone, to hurtful. And to humiliating. The last 6-7 months has been so hard.
> 
> What is IC?


If you allow his actions to diminish your self worth, then you are looking at this wrong. What he does is NO reflection on you. It reflects on who he is. You have every right to keep your head high and maintain your self worth. He's the liar and cheat, not you. He does not do this because you have low value, he does it because he's is a man of low morals and is selfish.

I had a mother-in-law (MIL) who said things like yours does. My son's father cheated. His mother told me that men have the right to cheat. She said that because her husband cheated on her during their entire marriage. So then, she was glad to see other women cheated on because it helped to make her feel better about herself.

Why is divorce not an option? You are married to a man who really does not love you. He does not put you first. Why are you willing to stay in this situation?

I agree that you need to get some individual counseling. You need help to see your way out of this and to put things in proper perspective.

Are you 100% sure that your husband has stopped all his activities? Has he given you the passwords to all his dating sites and other accounts? Do you have access to all of his email accounts? Do you have the password to his cell phone?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Responses in bold below.




steven.lill said:


> Some years ago l my marriage for + 20 years ended. I meet a man l instant feel in love with. He said and did all the right things. And he gave me a lot of compliments and attentions, made me feel l was on the top of the world.
> 
> *Bad people, users, manipulators, narcissists and people with anti social and personality disorders can pick people they can manipulate out of a crowd like wolves can pick out the weak and sick sheep out of the herd. They are the best at saying what you want to hear and sucking you into their web early on.
> 
> ...


There is no hope for him transforming into a decent person here. The more you stay with him, the more pain and torment and destruction you will experience.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Responses in bold below again. 




steven.lill said:


> I promised to love my husband for good and worse. I feel that leaving him is to easy.
> 
> *But you were deceived by a smooth talking manipulator. You did not know the real him. You were duped and were sold a bad bill of goods. Leaving him will not necessarily be easy but it will be the right thing to do. *
> 
> ...


This is not a communication issue or difference of opinion or perspective between two normal, decent people that counseling and negotiation can help out. 

This is a bad person that intentionally deceives and manipulates people. 

Hopefully @Uptown can take a look at this thread and add some perspective into what you are likely dealing with.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Lill, I agree with @*Oldshirt* that you seem to be describing behaviors that are warning signs for narcissism. I am not suggesting your H is a full-blown narcissist (only a professional can determine whether his symptoms are that severe). Rather, I'm suggesting he may exhibit strong narcissistic symptoms. 

I note, however, that you yourself seem to feel conflicted on the accuracy of what you've told us -- i.e., uncertain as to whether you have been seeing events clearly. You stated three weeks ago, _"l can also see that there is changes in his behavior that is for the better.... Maybe l just need to put hurt feelings and sadness away and start being constructive to build bridges between us."_ I therefore applaud your decision to see a counselor on your own (ideally, a psychologist) to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Take care, Lill.


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## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

Reading through my texts and the answers makes me feel sad. I might be denial to the facts, might be misconceived and lied to, but l believe and hope people can change. I know it takes time l know that that is also what l hope for. I really miss the person l fell in love with, and only want that person back. Maybe desperate, maybe pitiful or l am blinded, l know l am confused and sad/depressed and should not make any serious decisions at this time l am in a dark room, not sure if there is actually a way out


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

steven.lill said:


> Reading through my texts and the answers makes me feel sad. I might be denial to the facts, might be misconceived and lied to, but l believe and hope people can change. I know it takes time l know that that is also what l hope for. I really miss the person l fell in love with, and only want that person back. Maybe desperate, maybe pitiful or l am blinded, l know l am confused and sad/depressed and should not make any serious decisions at this time l am in a dark room, not sure if there is actually a way out
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


We are here for you, to guide you out. 

And if his mother is angry with you for stopping her baby boy from letting her connect to them through him, then perhaps his mother is a part of the problem?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

steven.lill said:


> Reading through my texts and the answers makes me feel sad. I might be denial to the facts, might be misconceived and lied to, but l believe and hope people can change. I know it takes time l know that that is also what l hope for. I really miss the person l fell in love with, and only want that person back. Maybe desperate, maybe pitiful or l am blinded, l know l am confused and sad/depressed and should not make any serious decisions at this time l am in a dark room, not sure if there is actually a way out
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I understand that and understand why you cling on to hope. (Hopium is a powerful drug that clouds the mind and heart) 

But my fear is that your H did not somehow 'change' and did not make a mistake or do something dumb. 

My fear is that this is how he actually is and the nice, charming, benevolent person you met and fell in love with was a façade and a character he was portraying.


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