# He's making me miserable!



## mnadcox (Oct 30, 2015)

My husband and I haven't been married that long and I'm starting to regret it. He is driving back into depression. I recently lost my job and he insisted that instead of finding a new job, I stay home with the kids. He has 2 and I have one. I agreed even though I hate not having my own money but it would be better for the family. But ever since, he constantly likes to remind me that he does all the hard work and thinks I'm suppose to wait on him hand and foot. If i say that id like to go back to work, i get fussed at bc he might have to pay for afterschool care. Plus, when we first decided to do this, he said he would put me on his bank account so I would be able to get groceries, etc. Now he is refusing to do that and insists I have to come ask him for money if I need it. And it's not like I'm a big shopper, I buy myself new clothes like once a year. He owns a 2009 mustang and recently bought himself a new Chevy Silverado. My car is a 1998 Honda Accord that is burning oil and knocking under the hood and already has 200,000 miles on it. When I suggest that we should sell the Mustang (he NEVER drives it) and get me a family vehicle since I'm the one hauling kids around, he says no. On top of all this, he constantly criticizes me. He never compliments me. Recently I started an exercise routine and I can't even do that when he's home because he makes fun of me. Really, he makes me feel like **** . We never do anything and if I want to go hang out with a girlfriend he tries to make me feel guilty so I don't even do that anymore. And all that is the tip of the iceburg. It gets even worse when it comes to the kids. For instance, I have to make my son and his boy eat whatever is served for dinner and listen to them complain bc they can't have pizza like his daughter. She only eats chicken nuggets, pizza and french fries and he allows that. Not only is it extremely unhealthy for her, it makes the other two feel bad. But if I bring this up it turns into WWIII. I don't know what to do anymore. When I try to talk to him about this stuff he either changes the subject or just leaves. I'm literally losing all my sanity, help!


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Would it come as a shock to your H if he read what you've just posted? ...OR... Are these conversations, arguments, fights you've had so many times you're loosing hope?

I'm conflict avoiding by nature. "Anything for a quiet life" defines me well if I don't consciously change my behavior. 

My initial reaction to your post is "GET OUT NOW!!" but that is very dependent on your answers to the questions above.

From my personal experiences I will warn you that becoming a stay at home Mum is putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. The longer you're out of the workforce the more trapped you can become. To have that kind of relationship certain things MUST become a given....

1. Shared Income. You BOTH work & the money 'YOU' (as a couple) make is shared. Financial choices are made TOGETHER. As a couple you have decided that financially & (hopefully) emotionally the best thing for your FAMILY is this he works out of the house & you work in. It's not HIS money anymore. 

2. You're a Team. That's what a FAMILY is. Your post gives the impression that you are 2 families squished together in the same house. A family needs family rules. It can't work as you & your kids living with him & his daughter. This is just living together!

3. OMG! You sound like a lady who's being told what to do & doing it! You have just as much power in this M as he does! You're supposed to be a couple NOT a dictatorship! He married you, he didn't buy you!!! What do YOU want? 

I know you say that you haven't been married for very long. Why did you marry him? (just REALLY think about that. I hope you embraced being alone before you said "I do!"). Don't be too fast to throw in the towel. You chose to marry eachother. Hopefully there was lots of love there. It sounds like you haven't really thought about blending & becoming a family. Some professional help could make a huge difference. 

Do you both bring a lot of baggage to this M? 

I'm sorry. I hope this helps a bit. It's just me thinking out loud. Only you know yourself & your relationship....AND what you WANT & NEED your M to be.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

It sounds like you married a man just like my husband! Finances were always a sore point for us. I think it would be wise to tell your husband this is 2015 and not 1950. You are both equal and one is not above the other. If resentment has well and truly set in then this is a dangerous place to be. I would suggest writing him a letter to remind him why you married him, what giving up your job meant and everything else you posted above. I would hope that he would approach you to talk about the issues that are building a wedge already. I have been where you are right now, sadly nothing improved whatsoever and we are soon to be divorced for this and a mountain of other issues. All the best to you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You said you H is driving back into depression, is this being treated? My ex had depression off an on his entire life, sometimes it was pretty manageable, other times-not so much.

And HE is not making you feel anything. You are. OP, I'm not trying to attack you, but no one can make you feel something unless you permit it. There is no unit to this family, no balance and no boundaries.

You want to go back to work and are afraid of having a fight with him. Let me ask you, what will happen if you have a fight? Unless you are concerned for your physical safety, have a fight! State your position and set your goal. You either live this way and accept this is how it is, or you take direct actions to change the dynamics. Understand that you cannot change him, but you can change what you are willing to accept in the relationship.

I"ll also say he is financially and emotionally isolating you. Get access to family money, get access to friends and family. Those are absolute necessities to survive. If you are afraid the fights will get physical, then you have more problems and should immediately leave.


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

No one says you have to listen to him when he tells you not to work or what to cook for your children.

He's being controlling, and you're allowing it.

You have only yourself to blame for that.

No need for it to be WW2, that takes two people fighting. You don't have to engage, just do your own thing regardless of whether or not it pisses him off, if he wants to talk to you about it as an adult, you'll listen otherwise he can screw off.

He wants to pout, or leave, or change the subject, then let him. Meanwhile do what you think is necessary, including getting a job for starters.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

You not having access to money and a safe vehicle is ridiculous and a plain and simple failure to care for his family. 

Allowing his daughter to eat unheathly food non-stop is also a failure in his part. 

Get yourself a job, take care of your kids and do what needs to be done. 

You should start driving the mustang as well.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Oh no. Oh, no no no.

I think the OP meant her husband was driving HER back into depression. OP, how old are you and how old is your child? Is there any family you can reach out to? If there is, then let him see the back of you, this isn't going to get better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I really think that you need to go back to work. Your husband is clearly very controlling and now that you are a SAHM, his control issues are becoming extremely visible and a huge problem.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, I am a SAHM too, stepmum to our beautiful daughter. My husband doesn't do much around the house - and fair enough because my job is running the house, but he does help me out with mopping the floors as I have a bad back, and if I ask him for a bit of a hand with putting a load of washing on or unpacking the dishwasher he's only too happy to help.

I would never accept not having equal access to OUR money. No f'n way. Don't stand for that. If he won't give you access, then you go back to work and open your own account.

It does seem that he is trying to control you, and you're far more vulnerable now that you're a SAHM.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you should go back to work. It's not in you or your kids best interests to be left at his mercy. He's in a position of trust as the sole income earner and he has broken that trust already. Just start looking for jobs. If he complains you can tell him he didn't keep his promise and he has left you no choice.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

mnadcox said:


> My husband and I haven't been married that long and I'm starting to regret it. He is driving back into depression. I recently lost my job and he insisted that instead of finding a new job, I stay home with the kids. He has 2 and I have one. I agreed even though I hate not having my own money but it would be better for the family. But ever since, he constantly likes to remind me that he does all the hard work and thinks I'm suppose to wait on him hand and foot. If i say that id like to go back to work, i get fussed at bc he might have to pay for afterschool care. Plus, when we first decided to do this, he said he would put me on his bank account so I would be able to get groceries, etc. Now he is refusing to do that and insists I have to come ask him for money if I need it. And it's not like I'm a big shopper, I buy myself new clothes like once a year. He owns a 2009 mustang and recently bought himself a new Chevy Silverado. My car is a 1998 Honda Accord that is burning oil and knocking under the hood and already has 200,000 miles on it. When I suggest that we should sell the Mustang (he NEVER drives it) and get me a family vehicle since I'm the one hauling kids around, he says no. On top of all this, he constantly criticizes me. He never compliments me. Recently I started an exercise routine and I can't even do that when he's home because he makes fun of me. Really, he makes me feel like **** . We never do anything and if I want to go hang out with a girlfriend he tries to make me feel guilty so I don't even do that anymore. And all that is the tip of the iceburg. It gets even worse when it comes to the kids. For instance, I have to make my son and his boy eat whatever is served for dinner and listen to them complain bc they can't have pizza like his daughter. She only eats chicken nuggets, pizza and french fries and he allows that. Not only is it extremely unhealthy for her, it makes the other two feel bad. But if I bring this up it turns into WWIII. I don't know what to do anymore. When I try to talk to him about this stuff he either changes the subject or just leaves. I'm literally losing all my sanity, help!


Do you know the number for your local woman's shelter?
Time to take you kid and use it.
You are not in a position to negotiate evenly or to have respect shown to you (or to give it). Don't burn bridges, don't go to well meaning friends who will **** in your brain to get their own social drama happening.

Get space.
Get councillors who take straight.
Realise its not all your fault ... but it's not all his either.

Work out what _you_ want, what you expect.

Then deal on a level - but distant - playing field. Not on the current powder keg. Communicate _lots_, but take what is said in return very lightly.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I differ in my opinion from many here. I believe that you currently have the most important job on this planet. You are the molder, shaper and director of the next generation of homosapien. Neglecting your job carries far worse consequences than any other occupation in this world. If you desire evidence of this I present your H as exhibit 1. If his parents had performed their job then you would not be here posting now.

Having said that, the only real option you have, short of D, is to calmly and rationally tell your H that things are going to change. He needs to realize that your role is at least as important as his and his support is as necessary to you as yours is to him in his role. He must be made to see this and sadly, because he was not made to see it during his early development, then it will be more difficult for you now than it would have been then. It is much more difficult to "discipline" an adult but that is what you must now do.

I say it is more difficult because it is like trying to discipline a king. Once someone is in a position of "power" it becomes almost impossible to coerce them because you have nothing with which to "punish" them for not obeying. He controls the money so you cannot threaten to take that away. You cannot force him into a timeout and ,unless you are much superior in your physical development, you cannot issue a "spanking". So then, in the absence of reasonable dialog, your only choice becomes to "punish" him with the threat of leaving. This threat however, is hollow and meaningless and will have no effect unless you are fully committed to following through and he knows that you will. This is still problematic in that he may not have significant mental wherewithal to see the loss of his family as severe enough of a consequence to alter his behavior but, at this stage in his life, it is practically your only option. I wish you good fortune.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

How did you lose your job? 
Was it because of things he was doing in the home environment that made it difficult for you to get to work, and did he invade your work day in any way?

I used to have a husband who was more or less as you describe.
Used to.

It was very abusive, but not always physically (although this sometimes masqueraded as sex, which he called 'lovemaking' although it wasn't that after all.) It took me a long while to see this, because I very much wanted to be married and to have a family and had invested heavily in it with my time, money, etc. 

I had to give up having that dream when it came to this person. I don't like having a divorce. But it was the healthy thing for me to do, and for my kids. The truth is, once an abuser thinks he has you trapped, then his true colors show. They do know how to trick and entrap. But entrapment is in their minds, it cannot be in yours. Once you take any kind of action on your own behalf, trust me, it will snowball. You will find your self-respect and see the truth in whatever situation you're in.

I read Wolf in Sheep's clothing and it was helpful. 
And it can be difficult. Even now more than 5 years later I still have some issues from that period of time in my life that require caretaking and management. The longer you put up with an abusive situation, the more work it will require later in life. 

I have left husbands like this twice. Once in 1991 and once in 2010. I have known intelligent and capable women who have had far worse than myself and stayed far longer. I think intelligence and capability work against us...we can do many things trying to 'solve' the situation...according to all the advice given to have a good marriage. But, it doesn't apply when it comes to abuse...and abusers have a way of quickly blocking off our normal frame of reference to disturb and confuse our thinking, even depriving us of an environment where we can have one single clear thought...sleep deprivation, keeping us on our toes, closing off friendships, keeping our minds occupied with avoiding conflict and being the object of suspicion, gas lighting, making up stories about people we might otherwise trust, etc. 

Dig deep inside and find your truth. It is there.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

breeze said:


> I think you should go back to work. It's not in you or your kids best interests to be left at his mercy. He's in a position of trust as the sole income earner and he has broken that trust already. Just start looking for jobs. If he complains you can tell him he didn't keep his promise and he has left you no choice.


Exactly, this. 

Being the sole provider is a position of trust and responsibility...there is no responsibility without accountability. He is accountable for the state of your home, vehicle, finances, etc. 

Hold him accountable


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You know what is nice about being your own person?? You get to make your own choices!!!! You don't like the current situation and I do not blame you, you want your own money so you want a job and I can understand that......go for it!!!! It will all work itself out but you have a right to your life and your happiness, don't let your husband's desires control you. Trying to make others happy does not make us feel good about ourselves.

I have been married for 23 years and my husband is a super tight wad penny pencher. Whenever I start dipping into "his" money too much because my income has gotten low then the comments start coming.....anything from the kids using too much toilet paper and milk to asking me if I have hidden bank accounts...serious! I call this his anal side.

The two of you need to work as a team and that means sitting with him and working out a budget as to who pays for what, you need to have access to all accounts without his giving you permission to spend, that is ridiculous. I think that these type see their money as theirs and probably have issues with sharing. If you get a job then you need to figure out how much of your income is going into savings, not just your husband is allowed to have extra money. Equal means equal but this means you will have to step to the plate and make sure that happens.


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## Roxxolid (Jul 29, 2015)

He's a controller and a narcissistic personality. You're up against it, girl. Unless you can put your foot down and have him own his issues you are looking for the door. It's not going to be easy either way but I would bet that he will decline the opportunity and you'll be at the lawyers office by Christmas. Best of luck.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You really need to go back to work ASAP. I don't think your husband has any idea what it means to be the wage earning outside worker supporting a family with an in-home worker. He does not seem to appreciate or value what you are bringing to the table. 

It may be prudent to never get yourself into a position of financial dependence on him. Keep up your with your friends and relatives.


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## pickil65 (Oct 15, 2015)

Tell him that if he won't add you to the bank account you're going back to work, if you are going to be the stay at home mom YOU need to pay the bills. My husband and I go back and forth paying the bills in our relationship and we always talk about what is getting paid. And he needs to treat all the kids the same, if the boys have to eat the dinner so does the girl, he cannot play favorites. Is baby mama involved, talk with her find out her side of why the relationship didn't work. Most times you only get the one side of the story, take advantage of the baby mama in this situation and find out why they didn't work out you might find that she was having similar issues.

Has he always treated the girl better than his boy? 

Sorry to say but it sounds like the abuse is just going to get worse, get a new job ASAP because the longer you are out of work the harder it will be to find work.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You need to stand up for yourself. It might not be easy, as you try to avoid conflict, but it seems that things are getting worse and worse for you. He does sound selfish and controlling. He has two nice cars, and you have to drive kids in old car? No access to money? He is turning you into house maid, instead of wife.


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