# So lonely and needing advice badly.



## lola1978 (Mar 8, 2010)

I am a new member and I usually wouldn't ask complete strangers online for marital advice, but I need some words of wisdom from anyone. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and known each other for 13. Sex in the beginning was pretty good, although that was the only time he would ever show affection. No hugging, kissing, I love you, or anything. If we weren't having sex, we were not affectionate. I accepted that as a part of who he was, a lot of men are not openly affectionate. It did bother me a lot, but eventually I adapted. Then our sex life started dwindling down to nothing. For the past four 1/2 - five years the sex has become so infrequent. Six times a year, if I am VERY lucky. I have tried talking to him about it, but he always says it's stress, he's tired, or he talks to me like I am some kind of sexual deviant. I tried asking for a compromise of once a week. And every time I ask for sex or even make a reference to it, it is always "not tonight". 
In addition to this complete lack of sex, he has steadily become more affectionate. Hugging, kissing, making sure to tell me every day that he loves me. When I try to bring up our sex life (even very delicately) he uses this in a "I show you affection all the time, sex isn't everything". I know it is not everything, but it is important to me. He knows this. I am only 31, I am no supermodel, but I am attractive enough (he married me so it would be safe to assume he thinks so too) and I am not shy or "dull" in that aspect of our lives and am more than happy to be a giver. 
The lack of sex had finally gotten so bad that I ended up having an affair (I know how wrong this is, but I did warn after he wouldn't listen to me for years this would happen). To be honest, it was wonderful. I was satisfied in ways I never have been before, and the other man always made me feel beautiful and desired and just so happy. My husband found out and after a lot of agonizing discussions, we decided to make our marriage work. But now I am even more miserable than I was before. The sex has not improved and one would think that it would even form his fear of me being unfaithful again. The affection is still there but sex has stopped again, and when I tried to tell him I wanted it, it was right back to the same old habits. 
I just can't take this anymore. I am so lonely. I feel unwanted and unattractive and worthless. My self esteem is completely shot. I do think it is even worse now than before because for a brief time I did feel loved and desired by the other man. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to make my marriage work, and am grateful that he has forgiven my infidelity. Another part of me wants to feel loved and desired and beautiful again. 
I just don't know what to do. I am tired of crying all the time, am tired of feeling lonely and empty and neglected, am tired of being constantly rejected. Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you everyone.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

hi lola

well done for opening up your thoughts - even if you don't find suitable advice a lot can be clarified simply by writing-out a problem.

I can't see any mention of a counselor here, nor medical check-ups for your man. Have you tried to get help of that sort?

I suspect that your warnings to your man will have felt like a threat to him, rather like something hanging over his head. Few people will respond positively to that - I can imagine your man just retreating further into his shell. That's the opposite of what you want.

I sense you do have hopes for your relationship - I suggest you stop the threats and go and seek advice from a qualified, experienced counselor.


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## lola1978 (Mar 8, 2010)

Hi Steve,
Thanks for your thoughts. I was trying to keep my post as short as I could, since I know I tend to ramble on sometimes, especially in letters and such. 
I did talk to a counselor for about a year. I tried to have my husband come with me, and he did one time and said it was stupid and he wasn't going back, and told me he didn't think any of the marital problems were his, but I should keep seeing counselor so I could get help with my problems. So I did keep seeing her, and it really helped a lot just to be able to talk to someone about everything I was feeling. I have since stopped seeing her since her practice moved over an hour away, and in all honesty I can work on my problems and faults until I am perfect, but since marriage is a joint effort it doesn't seem to help much if only one spouse is willing to work at the problems and change things that are wrong.
I also did talk to our family doctor. This is embarrassing, but I guess I can only expect honest feedback if I am open right? Well, I had originally went to our doctor and asked him to put me on a medication to lower significantly or take away my sex drive. I know a lot of the heavier anti-depressants can have this effect, especially in women. I told him the agitation from all the "sexual tension" was really starting to affect me and maybe if the physical aspect of wanting sex was gone, I wouldn't feel so stressed. He did tell me though that I wasn't being neurotic or a deviant, that sex actually releases a boost of serotonin and that's what makes it so pleasurable. Though he refused to put me on a medication that would take away my sex drive, he said I was to young and that is a horrible thing to do to a person if you don't have to, but would it help if he prescribed something for my husband. YES, I told him, thinking that would actually help. So the doc gave me Levitra and Viagra to see which one worked better for him. Physically they worked for him. He could take that little blue pill and 1/2 hour later with almost no prompting, instant erection. The problem is is that he won't take them. I think that has made it even harder for me. If a man has a pill that will give him the means to have sex, yet still won't - what does that say about me? I mean, even if he won't have sex because he is not attracted to me or whatever, if all it takes is a pill to be able to preform to make your wife happy then why not do it? I know I do things for him, I would not normally want to do, like cleaning his truck or making sure to be a good hostess when his friends come over, etc. I don't want to do those things, but I do it for him because I do love him and it's something small to make him happy. What I ask for is considerably less work and time consuming, and not to mention should be more fun.
I do understand what you are saying about the warnings sounding more like threats. I knew that when I was saying them. I was just at the end of my rope, and had exhausted every other idea I had. Nothing else helped and always ended up in rejection. Of course, I would never "threaten" with that again, since I did have an affair, to remind him of that fact would just be cruel. 
This is why I am at the end of my rope. I have tried everything from the mild to the most extreme, with no results. My husband is not a bad guy, he had faults, but then again everyone does. And I know sex doesn't solve all our problems, but the lack of it is causing a lot more problems than there should be I think.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Hi lola. i feel for you. after about three months of sex with my H he decided he didnt want sex anymore. But he always wanted to cuddle, kiss, etc. and like your H, he was very vague about it. I went to all kinds of extremes to help him- from dressing up, making dinner, doing things he liked, to playing hard to get and disinterest. Even after i found out that he was jacking off to porn instead, i still thought i could help him. after years of these charades we started doing a boundary book together and in one of our talks he told me that he resented me for "forcing him" to have sex with me. wow.

I took that news incredible hard. I was incredulous and utterly humiliated. After all i did for him, for us, that's what he was feeling, resentment towards me! 

But now, i kind of laugh and think, how could i have not seen it. how could i have been so blind. He wasnt interested and i just kept pushing. a member on here gave me such good advice that i think about all the time and try to use. he told me that all i had to do for things to get better was to stop trying so hard. 

its so simplistic and so bitter sweet. because i knew once i stopped trying, once I relinquished control and gave up all the frantic antics, i would suffer, and my heart would break. and maybe that's what i was trying to avoid. 

I stopped trying- for my H that is. i stopped trying to fix his problems. my heart broke. i suffered, a lot. but i think once you stop trying to control your spouse, allow yourself to feel the pain, then you can start to heal and move on. but if you continue in the mode of trying to fix your H's problem, you keep suffering all the time and there's no healing or moving on.


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## lola1978 (Mar 8, 2010)

That is good advice - to stop trying so hard. I have done that before, but I always end up "blowing up" at some point because I am so frustrated. And of course that never helps. And it is so hard to be affectionate with him at all anymore. After years of the only intimate contact being sex, to have it switch up where there is no sex but lots of "lovey" affection, it just seems that he is always holding something back. And after all the constant rejection, from general affection in the beginning to sex in the past few years, it is almost impossible to open up to him anymore.
I just have no idea what to say to him anymore, or if I even should say anything to him at all. I talked about our problems until I was blue in the face - no help. I tried not talking about our problems - no help. I have even tried talking about the lack of sex like it was my problem alone, and that I was worried it was building resentment. Which it is, and nothing. 
I just hate all this bitterness and resentment I feel all the time. I mean, he has a lot of wonderful qualities and for those that are not so great, I can get past. I am not perfect either and I know he has to put up with things that he probably doesn't like either. I just don't understand how sex can seem to be such a big deal. I wish it wasn't, but I guess I can't help how I feel. I hate to resign myself to a marriage like this. The thought of that is just so depressing I can't stand it. I think I am just afraid that if I stop trying to fix these problems, I won't care if they get better or not. There is already so much distance and bad feelings, I am at the point where if he isn't going to have sex with me I don't even want him to touch me. I don't tell him I love him. I make no move to show any type of affection towards him. I know this is wrong, but I can't help it. I started distancing myself to show him how that type of rejection hurt, I wanted him to feel lonely like I have. I thought that maybe if he understood than things could start to get better. They obviously didn't and now here I am.
I think I will try what you said - about not trying so hard. I am already hurting and at this point I don't think the marriage can actually suffer anymore. At least not for me it can't.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi lola

the more i look through this forum, the more I sense there's an epidemic of depressed, frazzled, stressed-out men some of whom sound as if they are hanging on by their fingernails. I begin to wonder how much of this is caused by the economic down-turn making bread-winners freak out about where next week's money is coming from. And if that is the case, the impact on relationships seems inevitable.

But hubby is sustaining some levels of a warmly loving relationship - and so I do wonder why he wouldn't try harder with counseling...and with Viagra. As you say, it does the job and, given your natural desire for love-making I wonder why he avoids it. Does he feel unmanned, inadequate, perhaps? Maybe the extra-marital affair hit him harder than either of you realized? I can only speculate. 

Is there some online forum or other source of discussion where men discuss - in a positive, wholesome way - the benefits of Viagra? I wonder if he is indeed feeling dislocated by the affair, then the pills simply reinforce a sense of abnormality? As I say, I can only speculate. I do think Blanca's suggestion that you stop trying so hard is a good one. If hubby eventually feels able to initiate, rather than react, that might be very helpful.

I hope you'll forgive me for smiling just a little when I read of your trip to the doctor for suppressants - I was a hair's breadth away from doing exactly the same thing myself for the very same reasons some years back. I know it's not funny - I was permanently desperate, literally almost driven mad with desire and my lady was beyond reach in a black depression. At first I didn't handle it well and, like your situation, that set up another chain of new difficulties - one problem at a time is enough!

Is there some other way for you both to share sensual pleasure - maybe learning massage together, or have things deteriorated beyond that point?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lola1978 said:


> I think I will try what you said - about not trying so hard. I am already hurting and at this point I don't think the marriage can actually suffer anymore. At least not for me it can't.


Just remember that if you take something away (your effort towards getting love from your H), you have to replace it with something else. that's probably why you blow up. You have to find a way to meet your needs that does not involve him. harboring resentment towards him is not a good thing to replace your efforts. that will just make things worse for you. You need love, attention, and respect. To get those things you cant be full of resentment and bitterness. You have to learn to separate with love, and try to find love elsewhere. and it doesnt have to be one thing to replace him, nor does it have to be an affair. it can be a lot of little things. it does take time to adjust though.


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## lola1978 (Mar 8, 2010)

Hi Steve 
Thanks again for your input. It is nice to get some insight from a man about any of this. I have girlfriends I have tired talking to, but its hard to be open and admit constant rejection. And I cannot talk to any male friends as I feel this would be emasculating to my husband, even if he didn't know about it. So that leaves me here.
I do wish the affair was the reason behind all this. If that's what it was I could take this as my "punishment" for doing something wrong. Sadly this had been going on for years before the affair happened, which I think is what led me to that. My husband apparently thinks so to. We ended up in a big fight this morning over paint colors for the bathroom we are remodeling. I tried to be passive and let him pick. Since I am not a passive person at all he figured there was something wrong and lost it, and instantly came up the affair. So I let him yell and vent since there is nothing I can say in my defense really. He goes on to say that he is making a huge effort to be affectionate towards me because my infidelity was also his fault - if he had shown me more love and attention like I had been asking for years, I wouldn't have sought it elsewhere. Now maybe this is where I got a little nit picky, but as much as I appreciated him taking some of the blame, the words "huge effort" really stood out. It felt like another rejection that he should have to make such a 'huge effort' - but maybe that's just me being overly sensitive?
I have explained (and did again this morning) that the affair was not about companionship, it was about sex. To be perfectly blunt I needed to get laid. I am used to being alone in our marriage, my husband is the toolpush on a gas and oil rig (toolpush is the one in charge of the guys working the drill - pipe) and he can be gone anywhere from a few days to a couple months at a time. Sometimes we get lucky and he's running the rig close to home and can be home at nights. And then we have the times where he takes off for a few weeks just to be home. And going without sex while he is away has never been a problem. It's part of life. It's just when he is home or I can travel to be wherever he is I can't understand why the absence of sex. Especially when he's home for a few weeks. And since the affair happened he transferred himself to one close to home so he can be here every night. I understand this is a trust issue and I think I will be more relieved for him when he feels he can go back out on the road. 
I was so happy to read that you were "a hair's breath" from talking to your doc about suppressants. Not for you of course, because I know to well what a horrible feeling it is to feel that is your option. I was just relieved that I wasn't the only one. I was starting to think that maybe there was something wrong with me and maybe I was some kind of sexual deviant that I would need medication to control it. It's comforting to know that I was not the only one who felt they should go so drastic a measure. 
So let me ask a question that as a man you may have more insight than I. Today was the first time my husband acknowledged that the affair was his fault as well as mine. And he is trying very hard to make me happy and be more loving. I cannot understand why if no sex was the reason for the affair why in the world would he be trying everything else and not sex? Maybe it's just me, but it stands to reason that if I went outside the marriage for sex, maybe that would be the area we should be working on. Or is there anything I can do to make this situation better? Any thoughts are better than the none I am coming up with.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Or is there anything I can do to make this situation better? Any thoughts are better than the none I am coming up with.[/QUOTE]


Hi lola,

a few thoughts in haste and more later. "Anything I can do?..." this is why I ask wether you might both consider learning a shared sensual skill like massage. It gets you together with great intimacy but in a way that doesn't have to be loaded with sexual expectation for both of you. It could give your man a setting to become the giver - to give you deep sensual pleasure without feeling that he has to 'perform'. I know this isn't the same as making love but if it became the first step on a long road...?


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## lola1978 (Mar 8, 2010)

Blanca said:


> You have to learn to separate with love, and try to find love elsewhere. and it doesnt have to be one thing to replace him, nor does it have to be an affair. it can be a lot of little things. it does take time to adjust though.


Thanks for the advice Blanca. I have tried to separate myself and still maintain the love that I had once had for him. And it's not that I don't love him now. Although I think the feelings of anger and resentment have almost completely taken over. And I have no idea how to make them go away. 
Sadly as well, is that I have tried to replace the efforts to have a sexual relationship with my husband with other things. I am already a very busy woman, with two young children. Up until 6 months ago I also worked full time as a nurse. I stopped working full time in order to go back to school to get my bachelors so that I may switch to pediatric nursing. I also recently picked up a couple nights a week bartending, at first just to get out of the house and have some interaction with people in a more informal setting, but as it turns out I really like it. Mostly for the attention I end up receiving from the men at the bar. It's kind of like an ego boost I guess. Although I have to wonder if that may not be making the situation at home that much more poignant because I have plenty of other men flirting or trying to get me to go home with them and my husband won't. 
Besides all that I really do try to fill every spare moment of time with projects or activities. But even with everything else I have to do and want to do, it doesn't seem to fill that void. And now it just seems so much worse since we sleep in the same bed. For years he slept downstairs while I slept upstairs. Since we weren't having sex this was fine with me. I like quiet music and almost no light when I sleep whereas he can't fall asleep without the TV on. Now that he has come back to our bedroom to sleep it is just awful having to lay there next to him every night and know there is no possibility of anything more than sleep. I don't know, maybe that's just me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lola1978 said:


> Now that he has come back to our bedroom to sleep it is just awful having to lay there next to him every night and know there is no possibility of anything more than sleep. I don't know, maybe that's just me.


omg lola i completely feel for you. im tearing up over it. i know how you feel. im out on the couch and my H is in bed- why, because i cant stand sleeping next to him. its torture. i rarely let my H touch me at all anymore. its just too much for me to know that all he wants is a hug. 

im sorry about all your resentment and anger. i was there for a few years, too. really hated his guts. but now im just sad. so maybe its just a process. you've been at this longer then I so maybe i'll cycle back to resentment in a few years.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Blanca said:


> omg lola i completely feel for you. im tearing up over it. i know how you feel. im out on the couch and my H is in bed- why, because i cant stand sleeping next to him. its torture. i rarely let my H touch me at all anymore. its just too much for me to know that all he wants is a hug.
> 
> im sorry about all your resentment and anger. i was there for a few years, too. really hated his guts. but now im just sad. so maybe its just a process. you've been at this longer then I so maybe i'll cycle back to resentment in a few years.


Sorry I'm in a rush (kid to get up, meeting to go to, yada yada) so I might not express myself the best, but that bit really resonated with me - not of me but of my OH. I know he considers the past x months total rejection, and although I know he'd love to make love he rarely does anything physical to initiate because he knows because of a mix of me & my issues & us and our issues, I don't want it to be straight from stress/arguments to full on sexual encounter. Is there any chance he simply wants to 'get back to know each other again' in an affectionate, physical way WITHOUt fear of it automatically having to progress to sex? sorry didn't re-read the thread this time.....has he actually said he doesn't want to make love ever again with you? When you've spoken of it does it always go pear-shaped & end up stressful & not terribly constructive? sorry again if all this has been covered off, but that phrase really rang true for us & I wondered if it might be the same kind of scenario.


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## lola1978 (Mar 8, 2010)

Blanca - I was so relieved to read what you had written. When I wrote that comment I could just imagine how it would sound to anyone reading it. The words selfish and ungrateful kept popping into my head. Especially since I have just engaged in behavior that is just as wrong as his behavior. But since I can't help how I feel it makes no sense to pretend when I am writing about it. I have to act at home all the time, especially with my husband. He gets so angry when I show any sadness or frustration or anything other than happy. I know this because every time I am not upbeat he gets irritated and tells me I need to go to a doc to have him put me on meds cause he isn't going to deal with me being upset. Sometimes I think he just wants a 'Stepford Wife'. 
I am sorry to hear that you have been going through a similar situation for years. This whole thing is almost unbearable on a day by day basis, sometimes I wonder how I have made it so many years like this. I can't imagine how you have done it either. What do you do to fill the void? Because I imagine that you are probably just as lonely as I am and I know that feeling more than anything else is enough to drive me up the wall.

Madimoff - I am completely sure who you were addressing in your post, so I thought I would answer for myself real quick. My husband has not made a blanket statement like he doesn't ever want to have sex with me again. However, no matter what I have done to initiate sex he rejects the whole thing. Even when I have subtly hinted at it or told him something along the lines of wanting it that night (just in case he had at some point he didn't like spontaneous sex anymore) he always makes excuses. It's especially devastating when I know he is just making excuses. The last time I had tried to have sex with him (even though I knew putting myself out there would more than likely lead to rejection) he said he couldn't - he had a headache. Not 20 minutes later he was out the door to go out with some of his friends for the evening. I can't even begin to count how many times he has had such ailments that would prevent him from having sex for all of 5 minutes and then turn around and leave to go to the bar, to go hunting, to help someone fix something. And every time I have tried to sit him down and discuss this it is the same refrain from him - I am being stupid, sex isn't all that important, there is more to marriage than sex and my favorite - if I need to "get laid" that badly why don't I just go take care of myself. So I really can't give him the affection that he apparently now wants from me (he went YEARS without all the hugging, kissing, or even being able to say that he loved me). I have more of the attitude that if he can't even make an effort to give me what I need as far as intimate attention, then why should I give him what he wants/needs as far as attention? 

I did try earlier this evening to make an effort to just go up and hug him. This was pretty much a last ditch effort on my part, I thought if maybe I initiated some affection it may have some more feeling to it, or with any luck I might just feel a little more connected to him. The only thing I could think was "how long do I have to stand here hugging him when there are much better things I could be doing". Not to mention the whole thing felt awkward and seriously uncomfortable. This would be one of the reasons I am online at 2 am instead of upstairs in bed with my husband.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lola1978 said:


> I know this because every time I am not upbeat he gets irritated and tells me I need to go to a doc to have him put me on meds cause he isn't going to deal with me being upset.


omg...smack him please. I hope you let him have it for that.



lola1978 said:


> What do you do to fill the void? Because I imagine that you are probably just as lonely as I am and I know that feeling more than anything else is enough to drive me up the wall.


i am very lonely, and very sad. as you can see im on here, a lot. that's one thing i do. going to counseling helps a lot. in fact, i stopped going for a few weeks and i exploded on my H. but mostly i have hope that i can do something about this feeling. i was very happy with my life before i met my H. i was single, not having sex, but i had a good job and some good friends. unfortunately most of who i was has crumbled, but i have confidence i can become that person again. id really like to make some good friends that i can go out with, and have a good job. so i have some goals to eradicate this feeling. i dont think my H has to change for me to feel better. i think that's a huge part of it. i think my H and i will drift apart as i change, but im ok with that. as long as im happy.


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## Flanders (Feb 26, 2010)

Have you ever thought of swinging? Or think of your husbands needs? Maybe you are not doing it for him? Take him to a massage parlor that might livin things up, my wife is taking me to one on Saturday!


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## lola1978 (Mar 8, 2010)

Hi Flanders
As far as the swinging goes, that isn't even in the realm of possibilities. My husband would never agree to that. Believe me I have thought of my husband's needs, at length. I have offered him an open marriage, no questions asked, just as long as no other women are brought back to the house. He said no. I have brought other women home with me because that was something he liked, although I hated it. I stopped that one rather quickly, because it bothered me to much and then he didn't want that either, if it was that bothersome to me. I have done everything possible for him in the bedroom. In fact, as inconsiderate he is about this subject most of the time, I think he would also be the first one to say I have done everything possible to please him in the bedroom. He would also say I am good at what I do.
The difference between my marriage and the stereotypical man - woman sex scenario, is that in comparison to say ice cream, my husband is vanilla all the time, whereas I am all 31 flavors. 
Thanks for the suggestions, but believe me, I have tried everything. Or at least suggested everything, if he won't try it, then the fault's on him.


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