# He loves me but he controls me



## Instafix9 (Nov 11, 2015)

I need some major help. My fiancé and I have been fighting over money etc for at least a week. NON STOP.

He's told me "why don't you just leave me.." and also told me that since meeting me his life has gone into the ground. He has put so much effort into our relationship that he feels he has let his career and family life slip away (despite my encouragement to always put those things first)

He keeps insulting me all day long. Telling me I?ve ruined his life. He?s lost his shape because he doesn?t work out as much because he put some first. He?s lost his money because he?s ?chasing after me?. ?You think I want to spend the rest of my life like this?!?? 

I make enough to carry even more than my own bills. He says that my ?extra? should go to saving for the wedding.. and he constantly gets on me for spending ANYTHING. He got mad that I bought a present behind his back for my mother. He said I was favoring my family over him and I should always clear purchases of any sort with him first. Then he told me that I was not on his team and I betrayed him because of this purchase.

Now he has a point that I have been hiding money because he acts like this. I had a secret stash of money because I didn?t want to be chastized for buying presents for family or friends. He went through my purse and saw the receipts and asked me wtf. So the fights began non-stop. He calls me a liar. Demands to see all my bank accounts for the past 6 months or he won?t marry me. Now he says i?m not trust worthy and he constantly holds it over my head. HOURLY.

Yes I hid money because he kept objecting to any money I spent on my daughter. He went nuts when I asked to pay 200 dollars For school sports supplies for her. So when he forbid it - I started stashing money. I wasn?t going to allow my fiance to prevent my daughter from the best ESPECIALLY since I knew I was making more than I spent? 

That?s where the hiding of money began

Yesterday morning I almost left him- I broke down crying as I was packing to leave. He came home and begged me to stay. He told me that everything could be fixed ? he understood that he was difficult with me. 
I stayed ? I told him I love him and couldn?t leave?but I needed him to stop emotionally abusing me?stop the anger. He said he would. One hour later ? it began again.

?How do you ever expect me to trust you?? 
?You pick your boss over me?.? ?You think this feels good to be betrayed by you?? ?Everything is for you or your family?I get nothing but shi*? ?You are ungrateful?? ?You announced on FB we are getting married?.you realize __ (our friend) is thinking boy he doesn?t realize how STUPID he is?to marry her?? 
?You like stabbing me in the back?? ?You know that you haven?t made love to me in 2 days?you think this is healthy?? ?You are cold ? you don?t love me anymore?? When I started crying after being pelted with this all day ..he said ?you like being a victim, huh? You think I want to see you crying and trying to manipulate me??

This went on all day long. THEN - he stopped ? hugged me and told me that he loved me more than he could ever say. I went for an errand and I came back and he had a brand new handbag and roses for me. He started crying telling me he never wanted to lose me and he loves me more than he could ever describe. 

Well ?I melt when he does that. I stay and want to figure out how to make this work. But, I have a secret and I am dying inside. He gets remorseful and I want to stay but 2 days ago ? we had a horrible fight. He threatened to take my phone away and confiscate it and message all my contacts to ?ruin me?. I didn?t think he was serious but the problem is he lied to his employer so he didn?t have to pay my bill. He got them to think my phone number was HIS second work line? and they have been paying my bill for 6 months. Well when he threatened to take over my number he said he would use his employer to do so? He also threatened to supeaona my own bank records! 

So, when I was leaving ? I emailed his IT department and told them that I needed to control my own phone line again and that I was UNAWARE that my fiancé had told his employer that it was HIS work number. They immediately gave me my own number and bill back and said they completely understood. I never told him what I did because we repaired things?.and hoped that it wouldn?t be a big deal.

Well now we are back together (despite his constant pelts of anger and threats) and I found out his boss called a meeting with him Friday. I know it?s about this?he has no clue. I worry he will be fired and of course that was not my intention ? but I needed to have my own phone line back and not be threatened with being ?ruined?.

So here I sit ? trying to figure out what to do. Do I leave and never look back when he leaves in the morning for work? We are planning a wedding and when things are good ? they are terrific. But, clearly when things are bad - they are horrid. I just cry ? and deal with the pain.

He wants me to open all my bank accounts for his review from last 6 months and even my retirement. He is demanding I do that tonight. 

Should I do that and tell him about his IT department?


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

He may not get fired but he may be reprimanded. But whatever you do, don't show him your finances and accounts. This guy sounds a lot like my first husband. His first wife cheated on him and after we married, he was jealous, insecure, controlling, and when I went back to college, he became physically abusive. He was an azzhole and I left him. 

It IS true that in a healthy marriage relationship, all the financial aspects need to be on the table, but there's nothing wrong with each person contributing to the running of the household and having discretionary money left over for their own use. But if this guy is insecure and controlling about you buying your mother a gift, you are not likely to be in a position to negotiate together, and fairly, what goes where in terms of living expenses and discretionary money. He has deep seated insecurities, it seems to me, based on your description, especially where it comes to money. And you may not be ready to give up your financial independence. If that's the case, that's okay, but you can talk to him about who contributes what without opening up your accounts. You can make a spreadsheet of your income and what your bills are and what's left over, and how you budget for things like food and gas for the car or other forms of transportation. 

In other words, you can share your financial reality and still be self protective. His response to how you present your financial situation will help you determine his motive. If he will accept your explanation and presentation of your finances, without demanding access to your accounts, that's one thing. If he wants to see and wants access to (and perhaps control over) your accounts, that's another thing. 

It is a serious problem that he gets upset about $20 for something for your daughter. That would have been the moment I walked out the door. And he promises to stop verbally and emotionally abusing you and an hour later he's at it again? The guy needs help, but you guys need to be apart while he gets it. 

It is just my opinion, but from what you've described and from where I sit, you need to leave this guy or take a break from living together while you're money's intact and your self-esteem hasn't been any more shot to hell. If he gets fired, he does. He needs to deal with his own POS tendencies, and you need to get stronger and have better radar for creeps like this. And you need to get strong if you're going to put some distance between him and you and not let him talk you into staying or coming back into the relationship. 

Either way, if you want to respond to his desire to know your financial situation, there are ways you can do it, but just be careful.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Instafix9 said:


> I need some major help. My fiancé and I have been fighting over money etc for at least a week. NON STOP.
> 
> He's told me "why don't you just leave me.." and also told me that since meeting me his life has gone into the ground. He has put so much effort into our relationship that he feels he has let his career and family life slip away (despite my encouragement to always put those things first)
> 
> ...


Fiance? This is easy - don't even think of marrying this guy as it will only get worse after you marry him.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Instafix9 said:


> *Do I leave and never look back when he leaves in the morning for work? *We are planning a wedding and when things are good ? they are terrific. But, clearly when things are bad - they are horrid. I just cry ? and deal with the pain.
> 
> He wants me to open all my bank accounts for his review from last 6 months and even my retirement. He is demanding I do that tonight.
> 
> Should I do that and tell him about his IT department?


Well, no, don't do that. That's cowardly unless you're afraid he will physically harm you. He's likely getting fired since he stole from his company, and he'll be very angry at you I'm sure. Although I suppose it's possible his boss won't tell him that you are the one who turned him in?

You need to call off this wedding. This is a very unhealthy relationship.


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## Instafix9 (Nov 11, 2015)

Well the issue is my daughter. He doesn't even like me to spend money on her, if he is not directly involved. He says when I pay those things, I am betraying him. 

The other thing is he flips out over spending. He is in charge of the money and some days he says we are fine. Then others he will wake up and say I am driving him into bankruptcy! He will threaten to sell the house ...and tell me again that I'm ruining his life. 

This man is aggressive. Manipulative. Jealous and angry...but strangely I know he loves me. He protests etc but then will break down crying and tell me how much he loves me and wants to die next to me. 

I feel so conflicted.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Instafix9 said:


> Well the issue is my daughter. He doesn't even like me to spend money on her, if he is not directly involved. He says when I pay those things, I am betraying him.
> 
> The other thing is he flips out over spending. He is in charge of the money and some days he says we are fine. Then others he will wake up and say I am driving him into bankruptcy! He will threaten to sell the house ...and tell me again that I'm ruining his life.
> 
> ...


And meanwhile, you're dying inside next to him right now.

How old is your daughter? How long have you guys been together? Does he have children?


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## Instafix9 (Nov 11, 2015)

We have been together for 2 years. My daughter is 7. He has 4 kids from his previous marriage.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Instafix9 said:


> We have been together for 2 years. My daughter is 7. He has 4 kids from his previous marriage.


And why did that marriage end?


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## Instafix9 (Nov 11, 2015)

It sounds like he fell out of love with her and had an emotional affair ...and divorced.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Instafix9 said:


> It sounds like he fell out of love with her and had an emotional affair ...and divorced.


Was it with you?


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## Instafix9 (Nov 11, 2015)

No. He's been divorced for years. Not me.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Instafix9 said:


> We have been together for 2 years. My daughter is 7. He has 4 kids from his previous marriage.


None of the problems you are having now will instantly disappear once you are married. In fact, most will likely get worse.

IMO, loving someone has no element of control to it-just the opposite. If you truly love someone you want that person to have the freedom to become everything they seek. You want your partner to soar, not to imprison them. But that's just me.

What you have described here is not the kind of relationship that should culminate in marriage. I"m sorry.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would definitely leave him if I were you. You just need to make sure you can do it safely.

He is not mature enough to love you. And he is clearly an abuser, being demanding and controlling, then conciliatory and needy, then demanding and controlling again.

He needs to become more stable and consistent. Also, the lying has to go.

I wonder if a 12 step program could help him. He probably will not go unless he sees no other option. If he loses you, he might be ready to face his weaknesses. Not sure, though.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> None of the problems you are having now will instantly disappear once you are married. In fact, most will likely get worse.
> 
> IMO, loving someone has no element of control to it-just the opposite. *If you truly love someone you want that person to have the freedom to become everything they seek. You want your partner to soar, not to imprison them.* But that's just me.
> 
> What you have described here is not the kind of relationship that should culminate in marriage. I"m sorry.


Wow. I love that, Pluto.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

So ended his first marriage by cheating. Now he's insecure and controlling. He has HUGE issues. 

Look, I get that you love him and he loves you, but that isn't enough to make a marriage work. You can love a real loser and a creep, but that won't make him a good marriage partner. Love doesn't conquer all, and really, if someone is going to work on themselves and resolve some of their issues, like why they cheated to end a marriage instead of just ending it, they have to love themselves enough to work on themselves. He doesn't sound like the type to do that. And if he has four kids and is paying child support, I can see why money would be an issue, but his approach is, in my opinion, over the top.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Instafix9 said:


> This man is aggressive. Manipulative. Jealous and angry...but strangely I know he loves me. He protests etc but then will break down crying


Works, doesn't it?

You KNOW he's abusive and controlling. 

WHY ON EARTH would you willingly walk into a marriage with that?

Educate yourself. If you have to have information to get you to leave him, read Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men. It will tell you why he will never change, why it will only get worse, why staying is the worst mistake you can possibly make.


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## Instafix9 (Nov 11, 2015)

Yes, and he even gets angry with me when I go to work meetings ...that he believes are not necessary. 

But then he will break down crying saying how much he loves me and can't stand living without me.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Instafix9 said:


> Yes, and he even gets angry with me when I go to work meetings ...that he believes are not necessary.
> 
> But then he will break down crying saying how much he loves me and can't stand living without me.


He's a mess. Don't be a mess with him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Looks like weirdo is back. This must be some kind of record for ban breaking. 

Can't even vary the story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Looks like weirdo is back. This must be some kind of record for ban breaking.
> 
> Can't even vary the story.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh man! Fell for it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It's great that you are discovering who he really is, and what kind of partner he is, before marriage. You now have the ability to take control of your life and your happiness by leaving him. 

Love is not desperate and controlling. He may "love" you in his way, but his way is abusive, manipulative and makes you miserable. 

You really need to figure out why it is so hard for you to leave when it's so clear that you should walk away and never look back.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

jld said:


> I would definitely leave him if I were you. You just need to make sure you can do it safely.
> 
> *He is not mature enough to love you*. And he is clearly an abuser, being demanding and controlling, then conciliatory and needy, then demanding and controlling again.
> 
> ...


this


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP do you see anything in the future that ends with "happily ever after?" I'm not talking wedding vows, I'm talking real life. Why would you stay?

It sounds like both of you want this to be over but neither is strong enough to make the break. He cries and begs for forgiveness because he doesn't want to take responsibility for being the one to end it, he wants to lay that on you. It's just another control game, he can blame everything on you, the problems, the breakup, blah, blah. And you keep sticking around which just pisses him off even more. 

You want it done, he wants it done, the day you move out is the day both of you will be happy. He may even follow up with a "I've changed, I need you, please come back" phone call or two but don't fall for it, there's nothing good about you two as a couple.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Looks like weirdo is back. This must be some kind of record for ban breaking.
> 
> Can't even vary the story.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was kind of wondering the same thing... Eerily similar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Dump him, he is controlling and jealous of your daughter. Put your daughter first. The divorce rate of second marriages with children are 70%. You shouldn't be combining money any with him as you two aren't married.


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## Instafix9 (Nov 11, 2015)

The other issue is that I have just realized that he has used all of the money I had saved for taxes etc for next year -- for his own bills.

So, If I just leave today I would have to clean out the joint checking account and I would still lose money because he has used my cash for his own purposes. He told me HE would pay the taxes by the time they are due. But, his property taxes are most important.

When I told him THIS is why I hide money -- he freaked out and said that I don't trust him and that I am a liar. I said, "where's my money?" He makes up stories about how I spent it on this or that -- but when I look -- I have a HUGE amount that should be set aside for my taxes.

So, do I drain the account? and just cut my losses over whatever else he owes me?



Happilymarried25 said:


> Dump him, he is controlling and jealous of your daughter. Put your daughter first. The divorce rate of second marriages with children are 70%. You shouldn't be combining money any with him as you two aren't married.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

He's stealing your money. What do you think you should do?


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## Instafix9 (Nov 11, 2015)

He says the reason he's been using my money is that he's considered it as "our" money and that he moves things around until the bills are due and that he would pick up my slack if I didn't have enough. But, some days he says we have enough and he goes out and shops -- and days like yesterday -- he says that I am driivng him into bankruptcy because he spends money to try an make me happy. He started talking about selling the house before the property taxes were due because he says we can't afford it.

Then today? He's saying all is fine and good.

The other issue is -- will he get fired for using my phone line on his work account?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Who cares what he says about it? What he is actually doing is stealing your money. What do you think you should do when someone steals your money?


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## Instafix9 (Nov 11, 2015)

Well I see what he's doing -- I know he isn't really STEALING -- but if I asked him for my money TODAY he would tell me he has none -- that he has to pay the property taxes with it. So, my only recourse would be to clean out the bank account for what we do have and take off with it and put it into my own account.

I just feel so sick to my stomach about the whole thing. I probably caused him trouble with his job. And he's currently texting me asking me why I have to meet with different people at work (since they are men). He is saying "you went to work telling me you were only meeting with xyz guy and now you have meetings with other guys??? WTF is this?"

I said i'm in the office -- I have to meet with co-workers. He said that I looked too dressed up this am and he thinks I'm up to no good. He says my actions are making him very uneasy. I'm just at work!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Is that how you want to live your life?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes you leave while he is not there. You start .moving asmuch out before that as you can without him noticing. You leave while he is gone so he cannot talk you into staying.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes you drain the account and get out of there.

Weirdo, I think that you and your story are real. People here have given you hours upon hours of input. But you refuse to follow forum rules. You keep creating accout after account..... one for each situation. I even pmd you to give you a chance to set things right around here. You blew me off. 

This account will be banned too when I get home from work tonight or sooner if another mod sees it.

Just leave this abusive man, take care of your son and get into couseling to figure out why you hook up with abusive men and why you think you do not need to follow forum rules


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good grief. Just grow up and do what's right - move on from an abusive, controlling jerk.

How hard is that to understand?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Just clean out the account and move on, the money you lost will be worth it in the long run. If this man knows what is in your account, that money will be gone and he will manipulate you into giving it to him.

For you and your child's sake I would pack up and get out, since you make your own money. It will only get worse especially if you marry him, it is good thing you are seeing his true side before you married him.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Instafix9 said:


> Well the issue is my daughter. He doesn't even like me to spend money on her, if he is not directly involved. He says when I pay those things, I am betraying him.
> 
> The other thing is he flips out over spending. He is in charge of the money and some days he says we are fine. Then others he will wake up and say I am driving him into bankruptcy! He will threaten to sell the house ...and tell me again that I'm ruining his life.
> 
> ...


This is not love in any way shape or form. You need to leave immediately for your own sake and your daughter.

No partner should ever tell you that you can't spend money on your daughter. Can you imagine how she will feel if she sees her mother obeying someone telling her not to spend on her own daughter?

This anger will get worse, much worse, once you are married. He gets angry and blames you for everything and takes no responsibility for his own actions. Someone who loves you would not behave like this, there is no reason or justification that can be made for it.

He needs help but you aren't his, metaphorical, punching bag and the danger is that you could become a literal punching bag. 

I'm sorry to say this, or sound harsh, but after his actions towards you if you see that as loving you you really need to get help and/or counseling for yourself once you have left.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

This man is a monster. I am sure he treats your daughter poorly in other ways too, you may be blind to it because he has you so caught up in your own emotional mess with him. He thinks you are stupid, like a total moron, and point blank treats you like it. He does things like says you are being manipulative by crying, and then he turns right around and tells you he loves you so much and cries, and look how well it works on you! You said yourself, you melt when he does that. How can you be ok with this being your example you set for your daughter of how a woman deserves to be treated. Do you want your daughter growing up with so little self esteem because this abuser you live with thinks shes not even worth having school supplies? I fear greatly for your daughters emotional well being. Her bio father ought to be livid with you for making his daughter live in such an abusive home.

ETA I know way too many, seriously damaged adult women who spent their childhoods watching their mom chase after some abusive POS. You cant even imagine what you are doing to her. Seriuosly, stop being so selfish and think about your daughter.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The name 'instafix' is appropriate. They seem to think TAM is their instafix for all of their problems. Get a backbone, for God's sake. And put in a bid on a new brain - yours is not working properly.


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## Instafix9 (Nov 11, 2015)

I am just trying to figure out if I should stay gone today or go home tonight and leave in the morning with more of my things. I don't know what's best at this point because he watches me like a hawk. And he will be very upset when I leave in the am.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Instafix9 said:


> I am just trying to figure out if I should stay gone today or go home tonight and leave in the morning with more of my things. I don't know what's best at this point because he watches me like a hawk. And he will be very upset when I leave in the am.


Well, since you'll be banned by the time either one of those happens so none of us will know the "true" outcome, so I personally am starting to lose interest in this tale.


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## Instafix9 (Nov 11, 2015)

I will private message Elle girl. I don't wish to be banned I need support.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Good. Everyone here would like to help if in fact your story is real, and I tried on your original thread. But if you keep making new accounts with the same story it calls your credibility into question. 

The advice will not change with reposts of the same story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

He isn't going to change. 

This type of controlling angry person tends to be dangerous over time. 

You need to go to individual counseling to find out why you would stay with someone who is so controlling and angry....

Do not show him any financial records. 

You should tell him about the phone line so he doesn't get surprised at work. You don't really want to get a guy like this fired. He's unstable on a good day....



Instafix9 said:


> I need some major help. My fiancé and I have been fighting over money etc for at least a week. NON STOP.
> 
> He's told me "why don't you just leave me.." and also told me that since meeting me his life has gone into the ground. He has put so much effort into our relationship that he feels he has let his career and family life slip away (despite my encouragement to always put those things first)
> 
> ...


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## casanova56 (Aug 9, 2016)

My boyfriend acts the same way. I do everything for him. Just bought him a new phone, just put a down payment on an apartment so we can relocate. I have the better job to support us. I try everything to make him happy but he is always so upset with me over anything and everything. He disrespects me in front of our friends and family and thinks that it is okay. He tries to control me and tell me what I can and cannot do. He has taken my phone and keys from me multiple times so that I can not leave the house. I feel he uses me. Even with sex. It's his way when he wants or not at all. He thinks he should get what he wants all the time. And when he doesn't, he takes it out on me and treats me like dirt to make himself feel better. He knows it hurts me and he watches it happen then might apologize later but that is very rare. I have really bad anxiety and this stress does not help and I don't know what to do anymore. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

See a lawyer and get legal advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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