# Twenty Year Marriage - About to Separate



## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Hello,

first time caller..... Thanks for listening.

I am 45, Wife if 46. son 17 and daughter 13. We have been married for 20 years last November. I was diagnosed with Diabetes in 2001, and in many years of denial ignored it. 

Married in Cali, moved to Denver for 12 wonderful years. Brought successful small business back to So Cali when my parents got sick. Business failed due to moving back to Cali, I was in depression for a few years, tried various ways of support. I was given the ultimatum in 2007, get a good job, support the family or else. I sucked it up, went to a trade school and learned a new profession, ended up getting a job in my previous line of work, but found a 2nd job in dealing poker at nights. Continued to work at third job from the home on weekends.


Wife worked when we were married, up till our 2nd child was born. Since then has become a devoted Dr. L fan, stays at home, did help out inthe business and took a very short stint at babysitting our nephew back in 2006/7. since then she tried doing the home business, but was not successful at it and is telling me in non verbal ways she does not intent to work.

For the last two and 1/2 years, between the two primary jobs I work over 80 hours a week including a one hour commute each way from the Santa Clarita Valley to the South Bay. I have made it know that I would like her to work at least during the kids school day, but preferably a 40 hour a week job either in SCV or the San Fernando Valley. She has done little in looking for jobs up until yesterday.

Our budget is a point where we do not go into the Red, but we have little savings, bad credit and the need to replace two cars in the next 24 months. We also believe that helping out our kids go to college is important.

November 2009 I began to see a new doctor to treat my diabetes. He read me the riot act about my health. due to a back condition last spring I gained over 30 pounds, from my 5 cortisone treatments. My blood sugar was not in control and if I could not get it into control I would need to start an insulin regiment. I also needed to find an extra hour a day for cadio exercise. On a typical day I leave for my primary job at 9:, get there at 10 work till 6:30 -8pm depending on workload and traffic and get home at 9m. When I pull a dealing session I may not get home till after 1:00 AM,plus I deal on Saturday nights and sundays at times.

In December I saw my friend since I knew before kindergarden die of breast cancer at 45. Just before leaving for a business trip my eye doc said I was starting to have the initial signs of macular degeneration. Last week, on a business trip I had a hypglycemic incident that made me think I was going to have a heart attack.

At this point, I want to ask for a separation with the intent to move to the south bay to live. This is not the only problem in the marriage, just the major one right now. We also have not been intimate for 12 months, and probably averaged sex once a month since the first child was born. I am ready to get out.

Please advise and thank you for listening.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I cannot understand why so many women believe it is NOT their responsibility to support the family as well. Your wife may not listen unless you make it clear that your healthy REQUIRES you to make changes that include her earning $$$. You need to work less, not more. She needs to step up to the plate. 

Separating will create additional expenses--how will you deal with that? It would be worth consulting a lawyer first to review the way things may work out for you--both positive and negative outcomes. Don't take an action that will make things worse, although it it weren't for your health, I'd say go ahead and leave if she won't do her share. 

Good luck. Please try to take care of yourself!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dennis,
It sounds like your wife is very comfortable steadily working you to death. Literally. Why is that? 

I DO think you are wise to move on. Her lack of effort in supporting you so you can have a tolerable schedule and exercise, is very sad. 

And it sounds like she doesn't really love you since the sexual starvation thing is not how a loving spouse behaves.



DennisNLA said:


> Hello,
> 
> first time caller..... Thanks for listening.
> 
> ...


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

I have talked to my parents and for the first few months I am going to live with them. It is commute neutral, but will show the point I mean business. After a few months I plan to move much closer to work. My current boss does not want me to leave, I am very highly valued and is asking the CEO for a raise. I hope enough to get a small apartment or share a room down here.

My parents are very happy to have my kids and myself visit on the weekends. I will have some time to consult with a lawyer before I move closer to my job.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Dennis,
> It sounds like your wife is very comfortable steadily working you to death. Literally. Why is that?
> 
> I DO think you are wise to move on. Her lack of effort in supporting you so you can have a tolerable schedule and exercise, is very sad.
> ...


I was not a good person to live with during the business failures. I can admit to that and I do believe there is a very deep seeded resentment still left from that period.

I have taken much of my commuting issues out on her for the last few years, which is not fair but we are all human.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Have you two tried marriage counseling yet? Sounds like there are lots of issues in the marriage and they may not have been dealt with yet. What is home life like for the kids today? Do they suspect something isn't right?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How are you going to save for college with two households to pay for? Let's be honest, ok? You are leaving because YOU aren't happy. Before you ruin your kids' world, what about sitting down with your wife and looking at ways to fix your marriage? What have you changed? 

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Fill them out (both of you) and vow to make changes based on the information you find out about each other for 6 months. You owe your children that much. Plus, for about $200, you can do a phone counsel session with the originator of the website, who has saved thousands of marriages with a no-nonsense approach to making positive changes.

The plus to all this? She will start caring about you again, and you'll start getting sex again. Isn't sex with a happy, loving wife better than MAYBE getting sex with whatever woman you can get drunk at a bar, most likely divorced, bitter women in their 40s and 50s who are desperate enough to hope you'll date them if they give you sex? Not pretty? Welcome to the divorced scene. That grass is NOT greener, Dennis.


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## SuzyQ64 (Jul 19, 2010)

I think he owes his children a good healthy model for what a marriage SHOULD be, I am not one to talk, but I think sometimes it ruins our kids lives MORE to let them see a loveless marriage.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I think you need to balance work and family. You can't be gone from 9am-1am, plus weekends, and expect to have a good marriage. Obviously money is important, however instead of continuing with three jobs I think you need to start looking for a single job that pays more money so you can start spending time at home. You may be valuable at your current work and your current boss may not want you to leave, but if their pay scale requires you to get two other jobs to make ends meet then you are going to have to give them some bad news.

Likewise, to that end, your wife needs to get a job immediately. If you both worked a single daytime job you might make enough money not to require YOU working three jobs.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

No, separating is much worse than kids seeing a "loveless" marriage, don't kid yourself. If you want to blow up your kids lives, leave. 

As far as your blood sugar, your DIET will have much more to do with it than cardio for an hour. I would definetly search out a nutritionist. 

Hang in there.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

To update a bit.

I no longer work the third job. This was the one I could do on the couch at home, but in the long run attention was not good for the kids.

Bog Toe. My primary job earns is an above average salary for Los Angeles. If I change jobs, I would be happy getting the same salary. Overtime has diminished from the primary job over the last 18 months which is good.

Locard,

My routine over the last 18 months has been about 45 mins of cardio every day, plus 20 mins of resistance. Mentally I love my cardio time so I am not giving it up. My BMI is in the normal range, my body fat is down to 12.5%. I have lost 20 pounds since my post in early 2010. My last a1c test was at 5.5 which is in the non diabetic range. While I am eating better, the cadio is a big help in my control plan also!

As for my wife, she refused to search out employment for another 3-4 months after the discussions in Jan / Feb of 2010. I could tell as she would not delete the internet history. In May I finally started putting my 2nd job money into a separate account where she had no access to it. It freaked her out and she had employment by September.

As for sex, its a whole nother issue. I tried to initiate shortly after she got her job. She flatly rejected me at this point. I finally discussed these issues in depth with my therapist afterwards. I concluded from therapy that I had been in a very dysfunctional marriage for most of the 20 years. I also concluded that my mental health has improved in the last few years, but not initiating, having no expectations that she can provide for my needs in this area. Since about November when she started to have an interest again in sex, I have been the party in withdrawl. While we have had a few conversations about it, I did say that my mental health has improved without it and I do not want it right now. 

I will not live in a sexless marriage, but my oldest was a high school senior, my youngest was a freshman, last school year was not the year to commence action. Plus a lawyer said it would be good on the economic front to let her work for a year before filing. 

So now I am back at a decision point. Oldest off to College away from the house. If I would of filed last year, he would of qualified for about 15K in Federal and State College grant money. We have no money, so he will be taking out loans / working to cover those expenses. I hate that the tipping point may be economics.

I go back to therapy next week. The conclusions will most likely be that I will just need to rip the band aid off now. 

If I do not file soon, my son will loose out on grant money for his second year. Wife and I are living as roomates. I am rambling if you have read this far. 

Thanks for reading


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Time to leave. Seriously. You deserve better. And not only that, if you DO make plans to leave, she may be more motivated to actually WORK on the marriage. You CAN get love back, but not in the status quo. Separate or divorce and see what happens. You can always remarry. You can date again. And this time, she'll have to prove to YOU why you should take her.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I disagree. How is two homes with payments and needing babysitters going to improve the lot. There is a 13 year old who needs a father for the next few years. Best wishes and stay on track with the good work you are doing with your health!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's your solution, then? Turn off his mind? Settle to be the meal ticket for a family? What is he teaching his daughter then? My dad left when I was 12 and it was hell, but so is staying in a home where people hate each other. By being willing to leave, he at least opens the door to his wife changing. This way, nothing is changing.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Locard said:


> I disagree. How is two homes with payments and needing babysitters going to improve the lot. There is a 13 year old who needs a father for the next few years. Best wishes and stay on track with the good work you are doing with your health!


My 13 year old is not 15 and a incoming sophomore. I have spent a lot of time with her in the last 18 months since I first posted this. We cook just about every dinner together on weeknights and spend after dinner time together until her mom comes home. 


Tunera makes a lot of sense. My parents and grandparents stayed in a loveless marriages. Yeah my parents will celebrate their 50th this year but I doubt if either is happy about it. Its time to break the cycle.


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## AmIwrong (Jul 13, 2011)

I understand what both of you are going through. I have been married for 21 years and it has been more down days then up. My H has always had an addiction to video games, i thought over time he would put it away; he didn't. I left him about 3 weeks ago, we have 4 children, however; he choked his own child and uses bad language towards her. I have tried to work on our marriage but nothing seems to work, when i threaten to leave in the beginning he would say that he was going to change. I have been a full time mom the entire relationship, he has had 4 affairs on me, left me, allowed his family to mistreat our kids as well as myself. Yet, I still stayed, I feel guilty for leaving but I do not love him, he says that he loves me but i don't see how that is possible. My aunt passed about 2 years ago and my mother and I went to the funeral that was out of town. My mom paid for the hotel and our food, my father drove down the next day, however my H stated that he would drop some money off to my father to bring to me to at least feed our kids. Well, that never happened, he stated that he did not have any money. Later I found out that he did, it was hit from behind in my van by a police and was paid over 7000.00...he opened a secret bank account and hid the money. yet i stayed, he told me that he was not going to change. i worked to save money for a family vacation to florida, we drove down and he allowed his child to ride uncomfortable just so that he could. I was raised that as parents we sacrafice for a children, but he thought not. He would wait for me to go to sleep and would take the t.v. from the children just so he could play his game. also, when our sons where younger he would make them play with him. I know that i should not feel guilty but I do, why? don't know but i can truly say that i am afraid of the unknown. I have never lived on my own, i went from living with my parents to living with my husband. i stayed for my children because i have seen how my brothers children turned out. now, my H is depressed because i left, but he has been that way for some time, we have not slept together for about 3 years. i use to tell him that he treats me live a prostitute because he would have sex with me then run off and play his game. the only thing different was he didnt pay me. also, when our child would get sick at school he would not answer his phone to go and pick her up; my mom would have to drive from across town to pick her up. he never would talk to me over the phone, he never had time for us, yet he is depressed. please help with some advice; i am totally lost...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AmIWrong, please start your own thread so more people will help you.

Dennis, please note that I prefer you staying and getting professional help. That is the ultimate solution.


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