# He'll never get it



## katies (May 19, 2015)

So last year hubby went to a business event where he met OW2 and it was such a trigger for me we had to go to MC to straighten it out. I said I just wanted a heads up, or to talk about it. He seemed clear on that.
I knew it was coming up last night, he never said anything so I assumed he was not going. He met a friend and I out at 6:30 and she asked (she's a business person too) if he went and he said he stopped by for a few minutes. He told me who he talked to, for how long and I believe him.
But I was FURIOUS when we got home because we were supposed to talk about it beforehand. 
He didn't remember. He said it was just another event for him. I said I've had to take sleeping pills for 4 nights because it triggers me so much. He said he doesn't remember dates and why didn't I bring it up myself...?

We have been doing really well lately. But he simply wants to go about as if nothing ever happened and I would like him to take care of me in a special way during these trigger days.
He said do you want to know my entire calendar every single day? And he started to tell me what he had planned for the month.
I said no - but could you keep about 3 days a year in mind that will be triggery for me? 

I do not know what to do. We are so so different. I cannot believe we spent an entire session on MC over this and he just didn't do anything. And he didn't apologize for it because he didn't feel he did anything wrong. He was just doing his job. 
I said here's what I wanted to hear: "you know the business thing is coming up and I'd like to stop by for a few minutes." BEFORE it actually happened. That is ALL I need. 

What did he apologize for? I missed an eBay auction for a pair of shoes because we were having this discussion. I was outbid. He said it was his fault I lost the shoes. 
Seriously, THIS is what he apologizes for? 

I feel we should always be taking care of each other by considering the other's feelings. He feels we should march on as if nothing happened. He can't believe it's been 5 years and I still bring things like this up. 

I feel like I want to spend a lot of money. That's the only thing that gets through to him.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

He heard you. He just doesn't care to do what you ask. It's that simple. And that sad.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Marriage counseling is, by and large, very focused on helping the couple to communicate effectively. The assumption, of course, is that the problems they're having are because they are not _really understanding _one another, and that once they do, things will be better. See, there's a built-in expectation that the problem is that your partner doesn't understand, and that if he or she did, they would stop doing things that they now understand hurt you and start meeting your needs. So you're left with the idea that if only you could figure out _how_ to communicate what you want more clearly, make your partner understand, help them to 'get it', the relationship would improve. 

But the harsh reality is that, sometimes, the problem is not that a partner doesn't understand. They _do_ understand. They just don't want to do whatever it is that you need. 

OP, it sounds like you may be doing what I did for far too long: Spinning your wheels, tying yourself into knots, and driving yourself a little bonkers trying to fix how you're communicating so that he'll understand what you are trying to tell him and will then automatically start to meet your needs and stop doing things that hurt you. What was really tough for me to fully process and accept, was that my husband did get it. He just didn't care to do anything about it. You need to take honest stock of the situation and your marital dynamic and figure out if your husband really doesn't know what you need, or if he just doesn't care to do what you need. The two are _very_ different problems.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just the fact that there IS an OW2 should be enough that you need get out of this "marriage". Guarantee you there will be an OW3. He actions have proven that isnt remorseful and wants it rugswept. It will happen again.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Please understand I am not trying to bash a person who has cheated, but very few fully understand the repercussions of their decisions. In my opinion your husband is not fully remorseful and perhaps lacks empathy towards you. A way you may be able to have him relate is to ask him if he remembers his first date with you and the first time you were both intimate with each other. If he remembers, then tell him that his affair dates are remembered by you, and not in a fond way like his memories of you are. 

Explain to him how the date feels to you, the pain and how you feel as if you are suffocating. If he were fully remorseful he would feel your pain, notice that you are suffocating from the trigger. He could then take an action towards relieving your trigger in a positive way. Communication, he could tell you the date is approaching, give you a hug then make you feel safe by being vulnerable himself. Such as, "I know the date is approaching, but only you are what I think and care about, it's you that I love. I would like to sit down and talk to you as my work will require that I attend this event. I would like feedback from you as to how to best get through this terrible date". 

Best of luck to you.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Just the fact that there IS an OW2 should be enough that you need get out of this "marriage". Guarantee you there will be an OW3. He actions have proven that isnt remorseful and wants it rugswept. It will happen again.


oh, I don't believe this. It's been 5 years and he's not a serial cheater.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

katies said:


> oh, I don't believe this. It's been 5 years and he's not a serial cheater.


And you know this how? Someone who has no remorse is bound to repeat.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> And you know this how? Someone who has no remorse is bound to repeat.


it was a reactionary response to my affair.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> So last year hubby went to a business event where he met OW2 and it was such a trigger for me we had to go to MC to straighten it out. I said I just wanted a heads up, or to talk about it. He seemed clear on that.
> I knew it was coming up last night, he never said anything so I assumed he was not going. He met a friend and I out at 6:30 and she asked (she's a business person too) if he went and he said he stopped by for a few minutes. He told me who he talked to, for how long and I believe him.
> But I was FURIOUS when we got home because we were supposed to talk about it beforehand.
> He didn't remember. He said it was just another event for him. I said I've had to take sleeping pills for 4 nights because it triggers me so much. He said he doesn't remember dates and why didn't I bring it up myself...?
> ...


Does he trigger at all from your cheating? I am asking because maybe if he does you can point out that you are going through similar to what he does when he triggers. 

I know this isn't nice to hear but maybe subconsciously he is punishing you still, or maybe he feels because you did it to him you don't warrant the effort. "Why should I care if she triggers she brought it on herself anyway", that kind of thinking.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Does he trigger at all from your cheating? I am asking because maybe if he does you can point out that you are going through similar to what he does when he triggers.
> 
> I know this isn't nice to hear but maybe subconsciously he is punishing you still, or maybe he feels because you did it to him you don't warrant the effort.


He has not mentioned triggering in a while. He says he tries to forget and live a happy life. He made a special point to mention that dates are not important to him. I said they are to me. I can feel my body respond as we get closer. He said the day I confessed he wouldn't even know. 
How would I find out if he's subconsciously doing this though.
He has said he cares that I trigger.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

katies said:


> it was a reactionary response to my affair.




Make that TWO responses. With that kind of justification it can easily be three. Once that door is opened ime, it doesn't close. The barrier is lowered permanently.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Make that TWO responses. With that kind of justification it can easily be three. Once that door is opened ime, it doesn't close. The barrier is lowered permanently.


it wasn't for me. I had one affair and never another.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

katies said:


> it wasn't for me. I had one affair and never another.




I know. I read all your threads. But your H is not like you. I was opining on this cheating, not yours.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> I know. I read all your threads. But your H is not like you. I was opining on this cheating, not yours.


ah.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

katies said:


> So last year hubby went to a business event where he met OW2 and it was such a trigger for me we had to go to MC to straighten it out. I said I just wanted a heads up, or to talk about it. He seemed clear on that.
> I knew it was coming up last night, he never said anything so I assumed he was not going. He met a friend and I out at 6:30 and she asked (she's a business person too) if he went and he said he stopped by for a few minutes. He told me who he talked to, for how long and I believe him.
> But I was FURIOUS when we got home because we were supposed to talk about it beforehand.
> He didn't remember. He said it was just another event for him. I said I've had to take sleeping pills for 4 nights because it triggers me so much. He said he doesn't remember dates and why didn't I bring it up myself...?
> ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> He has not mentioned triggering in a while. He says he tries to forget and live a happy life. He made a special point to mention that dates are not important to him. I said they are to me. I can feel my body respond as we get closer. He said the day I confessed he wouldn't even know.
> How would I find out if he's subconsciously doing this though.
> He has said he cares that I trigger.


I agree with the other poster I don't think it's that he doesn't understand I think the you poisoned the well and he just doesn't think the effort is worth it or worse he thinks you don't deserve it. I think lots of people who stay with people who cheated on them lose the kind of respect they once had for them. They are not going to put forth the extra effort because of it. 

He has already shown that he was willing to pay you back in the most brutal fashion. You say yourself that his affairs are a direct reaction to yours. Maybe this is the same on a smaller level. You say he told you that dates are not important to him, but this might not mean he doesn't trigger, maybe it means he triggers no matter what the date is. So who cares about dates. So he is saying no matter what the date he triggers all the time tries to forget and live a happy life, and if you have a few days where you trigger then welcome to the club.

I am not saying this is a good thing but just saying it's possible that is how he feels. There used to be a thread on SI by men who had lost respect of their wives because they cheated on them. I can't find it but the gist was the idea that they had lost the reverence that a man wants to have in his wife, they are coming to terms and grieving the fact that they won't be married to a person they feel that way about. Women go through the exact same feelings. They now feel like this is the person they are stuck with, not the one that they thought they had. I think when BS come to terms with this some just decide that they are no longer going to make the extra effort. 

Maybe that is where you guys are. I'm sorry if that is painful, it's hard to write and I could be totally wrong but at least there is another possibility for you to explore.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> I agree with the other poster I don't think it's that he doesn't understand I think the you poisoned the well and he just doesn't think the effort is worth it or worse he thinks you don't deserve it. I think lots of people who stay with people who cheated on them lose the kind of respect they once had for them. They are not going to put forth the extra effort because of it.
> 
> He has already shown that he was willing to pay you back in the most brutal fashion. You say yourself that his affairs are a direct reaction to yours. Maybe this is the same on a smaller level. You say he told you that dates are not important to him, but this might not mean he doesn't trigger, maybe it means he triggers no matter what the date is. So who cares about dates. So he is saying no matter what the date he triggers all the time tries to forget and live a happy life, and if you have a few days where you trigger then welcome to the club.
> 
> ...


He does most other things I have asked though. I guess if he didn't do anything else I Would think this but he seems to understand and reach out with the other things I've asked for. When he can tell I'm down and he knows I need a connection he can ask about it and do things where we connect.
It's just this job thing is a ****** for us.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Jessica - I'm not going to do that, although I kind of want to I won't because it goes against my value system now.
I have to WIN his respect? I'm going to act with integrity and how he feels about my actions is his deal.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

katies said:


> Jessica - I'm not going to do that, although I kind of want to I won't because it goes against my value system now.
> I have to WIN his respect? I'm going to act with integrity and how he feels about my actions is his deal.


No, you don't have to win it...my point is that he is disrespecting you by not being fully transparent with you.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

katies said:


> I missed an eBay auction for a pair of shoes because we were having this discussion. I was outbid. He said it was his fault I lost the shoes.


Use Auction Sniper. You enter your maximum bid and it automatically bids for you at the last possible moment up to the maximum specified bid.

Auction Sniper: eBay Sniper and eBay Bidding snipe, bid sniping for eBay

Oh, and divorce your husband. 

Your life won't get better until you do. He just doesn't care.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

stixx said:


> Oh, and divorce your husband.
> 
> Your life won't get better until you do. He just doesn't care.


:iagree:

Before you have kids. He's got passive-aggressive tendencies and those tend to worsen over time. Has your MC addressed this with him?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@katies, please forgive and correct me if I'm wrong here, but you're simultaneously upset with your husband and defending him whilst posters are telling you that he's doing disrespectful things to hurt you on purpose. I think he is, too, and I think his "reactionary" response to your affair doesn't magically make his behavior excusable. I understand there is history and circumstances here, but if he seriously wanted to heal the relationship, he'd be helping you, not passively hindering.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Jessica38 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Before you have kids. He's got passive-aggressive tendencies and those tend to worsen over time. Has your MC addressed this with him?


oh well, we've been married 30 years and have 4 grown children.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Satya said:


> @katies, please forgive and correct me if I'm wrong here, but you're simultaneously upset with your husband and defending him whilst posters are telling you that he's doing disrespectful things to hurt you on purpose. I think he is, too, and I think his "reactionary" response to your affair doesn't magically make his behavior excusable. I understand there is history and circumstances here, but if he seriously wanted to heal the relationship, he'd be helping you, not passively hindering.


well that's just it. He helps me MOST of the time. And I'm not sure he is doing these things to hurt me on purpose, he just doesn't understand why it's a big deal.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I think some people are dense and self absorb. If it's not important to them then it's of no consequence even if they are in a committed relationship. Just like some people are able to tell you the date of their first kiss, date, or anniversary and others these dates aren't important enough to remember. I think your husband wants to forget about the affair so he doesn't want to give it much thought but he isn't sensitive to how those dates will always be permanently stamped on your heart of heart. You need to convey to him how this changed you and him wanting to forget about it doesn't change the fact that it's an ugly reminder that was caused by his actions only and he needs to be sensitive that this anniversary is a trigger for you and will be for the rest of your life and part of him honoring you is to acknowledging that he's responsible.

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

katies said:


> oh well, we've been married 30 years and have 4 grown children.


Ah, got it. Then you already know what you're dealing with and have decided to accept it?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Jessica38 said:


> Ah, got it. Then you already know what you're dealing with and have decided to accept it?


He hasn't been a PA person our entire married life.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> Ah, got it. Then you already know what you're dealing with and have decided to accept it?


Her husband has cheated on her with at least 2 other women (that she knows about). 

He's unremorseful, uncaring, just wants to sweep it all under the rug and move on like nothings happened. He's uncaring, insensitive, selfish, and will not accept responsibility for his actions.

Yet here she is still begging him to get into marriage counseling and fix everything. 

I don't think she's accepted it, she's got herself half convinced that things are going to get better. 

As if there's a chance in Hell of that ever happening.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

stixx said:


> Her husband has cheated on her with at least 2 other women (that she knows about).
> 
> He's unremorseful, uncaring, just wants to sweep it all under the rug and move on like nothings happened. He's uncaring, insensitive, selfish, and will not accept responsibility for his actions.
> 
> ...


This is not true. He is remorseful and caring, just not about these kinds of things. 
I'm begging him to get into marriage counseling? Um, where did I say that? 
Things are gradually getting better but we occasionally run into road blocks like what happened last night.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

katies said:


> This is not true. He is remorseful and caring, just not about these kinds of things.
> I'm begging him to get into marriage counseling? Um, where did I say that?
> Things are gradually getting better but we occasionally run into road blocks like what happened last night.


He cannot pick and choose what he wants to be remorseful and caring about.

Because if he does- it's just an act, he's not being sincere. 

Ok sorry my mistake, you didn't write that you're begging him to go to MC.

If you left it up to him whether or not to go to MC, what would he do?


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

katies said:


> He hasn't been a PA person our entire married life.


Has your MC addressed this issue? If I were you, I'd start there, otherwise you'll be spinning your wheels about his lack of care and concern for making you feel safe in your marriage.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

katies said:


> So last year hubby went to a business event where he met OW2 and it was such a trigger for me we had to go to MC to straighten it out. I said I just wanted a heads up, or to talk about it. He seemed clear on that.
> I knew it was coming up last night, he never said anything so I assumed he was not going. He met a friend and I out at 6:30 and she asked (she's a business person too) if he went and he said he stopped by for a few minutes. He told me who he talked to, for how long and I believe him.
> But I was FURIOUS when we got home because we were supposed to talk about it beforehand.
> He didn't remember. He said it was just another event for him. I said I've had to take sleeping pills for 4 nights because it triggers me so much. He said he doesn't remember dates and why didn't I bring it up myself...?
> ...


My guess is that he never volunteered what he would do to protect this marital boundary. It is "your" thing, so he doesn't have natural energy to fulfill it. I am not saying he can't or won't be able to. The goal for you is to elicit within him understanding and then naturally create a solution to adequately protect you and the relationship.

Thoughts?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

stixx;17656353
If you left it up to him whether or not to go to MC said:


> He would go if I wanted to go. I don't want to go. If we spent an entire hour on this a year ago and he couldn't remember what came of it then it would be a waste of time.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

katies said:


> He would go if I wanted to go. I don't want to go. If we spent an entire hour on this a year ago and he couldn't remember what came of it then it would be a waste of time.


I'm thinking the problems you have require more than one hour of marriage counseling per year.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

We were dismissed from MC about 2 years ago, after three years of it. 
I don't think the problems we have can be solved by MC. What would more MC do for us?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Relationship Teacher said:


> My guess is that he never volunteered what he would do to protect this marital boundary. It is "your" thing, so he doesn't have natural energy to fulfill it. I am not saying he can't or won't be able to. The goal for you is to elicit within him understanding and then naturally create a solution to adequately protect you and the relationship.
> 
> Thoughts?


I thought I did that by talking about this exact issue and event at MC a year ago. I thought we had come up with a very reasonable solution.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Didn’t your husband ‘’friend’’ on Facebook recently, a woman who he is friends with her husband, at the gym? And she is in her late 20’s? You’d think after two rounds of infidelity, that he’d finally get it. But, it seems like he just doesn’t care, rather than he is unaware of your feelings.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> Didn’t your husband ‘’friend’’ on Facebook recently, a woman who he is friends with her husband, at the gym? And she is in her late 20’s? You’d think after two rounds of infidelity, that he’d finally get it. But, it seems like he just doesn’t care, rather than he is unaware of your feelings.


this is true.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

katies said:


> We were dismissed from MC about 2 years ago, after three years of it.
> I don't think the problems we have can be solved by MC. What would more MC do for us?


MC could help your husband learn how his passive-aggressive behavior is hurting you and your marriage.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Jessica38 said:


> MC could help your husband learn how his passive-aggressive behavior is hurting you and your marriage.


He would not see it as PA behavior. He would see it as moving on with life.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

katies said:


> We were dismissed from MC about 2 years ago, after three years of it.
> I don't think the problems we have can be solved by MC. What would more MC do for us?


It's like an experimental, untested drug for fatal brain cancer when there's other available treatment.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

katies said:


> He would not see it as PA behavior. He would see it as moving on with life.


If he were single, that would not warrant counseling if it works for him. The question is: Does that work for you and your marriage? If not, he needs to consider your needs and feelings. Don't you agree? If not, let me know and I'll stop posting here as I can't be helpful to you.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Jessica38 said:


> If he were single, that would not warrant counseling if it works for him. The question is: Does that work for you and your marriage? If not, he needs to consider your needs and feelings. Don't you agree? If not, let me know and I'll stop posting here as I can't be helpful to you.


The ENTIRE issue is that because it doesn't make sense in his head, he can't see how I have concerns or hurt feelings or think it's unacceptable or whatever. Me simply saying "that hurts" should be enough. 

I'll give another example - I wanted him to sell the affair car that OW2 was in. They made out in it, I heard it on the VAR and would not step foot in it. I even said it couldnt' be parked on our property so he parked it in the street for 5 months and one day - and we have a 3 car garage. But because he couldn't decide what kind of car he wanted to get and because he wanted to get a good deal, it took him that long to sell it and get another. He trudged out there in the snow and rain and had to scrape and he could't understand why I wanted it gone. He COULD NOT wrap his head around it. He wasn't being PA, he really just didn't get it.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Did you previously post under a different name?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Did you previously post under a different name?


yes.
I think it was stephscarlett.
I had to change when the website changed privacy settings or something like that.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

katies said:


> I thought I did that by talking about this exact issue and event at MC a year ago. I thought we had come up with a very reasonable solution.


From what you've said, don't detect that he has ownership in it. How did "we" come up with the solution in MC?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

katies said:


> yes.
> 
> I think it was stephscarlett.
> 
> I had to change when the website changed privacy settings or something like that.




Thanks. That's what I remember. The yoga pants thread. 

Your H is not stupid. He knows what you want.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Relationship Teacher said:


> From what you've said, don't detect that he has ownership in it. How did "we" come up with the solution in MC?


I think MC made the suggestion that we talk about it beforehand and we both agreed.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Your H is not stupid. He knows what you want.


So what do I do? Leave or continue to bang my head against the wall? To be clear, it's gotten better as time has gone by. He was totally clueless at the beginning.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> So what do I do? Leave or continue to bang my head against the wall? To be clear, it's gotten better as time has gone by. He was totally clueless at the beginning.


I forget, how long were you married before you cheated? How long before he cheated back? How long ago was that? Personally I think there is a possibility he is still hurt and angry. I don't think he is going to tell you because he probably thinks nothing is going to change that. He is probably just giving you the most he is willing to. He may know that his cheating is wrong and won't do that again but maybe that is really as far as he is going to go.

I am not saying this is right, he is wrong but I think this is what happens when the adoration that you once had for your spouse is destroyed. I think it is very hard not to be disheartened and cynical at least it would be for me. In your mind you have taken on some of the responsibility for his cheating as you did on this thread, whether that is right or not people can debate, but I wonder if in his mind he feels let down. Not just by you but by the situation. 

I don't know how you fix it though. Marriage is hard enough without 3 instances of infidelity in it. Maybe in these instances you will just have to suffer if you want to stay married.


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## Youngwife1000 (Mar 26, 2017)

katies said:


> This is not true. He is remorseful and caring, just not about these kinds of things.
> I'm begging him to get into marriage counseling? Um, where did I say that?
> Things are gradually getting better but we occasionally run into road blocks like what happened last night.


I'm in a similar position, I never cheated, but he has and I found out a few weeks ago. He is remorseful and wants us to get MC. I have good days and bad. Some of the triggers can be really silly, like I was tidying up our shoe rack and I start thinking...... I wonder if you wore those shoes, or ironing i will think, did you wear this top. It just feels awful. I'm going to try hard to keep this marriage together and I believe he wants it too.
I just wanted to say, I'm with you on painful trigger points. 
Maybe write him a letter on how you feel. Maybe the initial confrontation backs him into a corner where he's not able to instantly soothe your pain, and seeing your pain might possibly remind him of his, so it's best avoided. I don't know, but a letter might help him process. Just a thought.
Well done for giving your marriage ago and if sadly down the line there is no resolve at least you can say you tried. If you guys can get through this, I hope you both become stronger and please share. I'm at the beginning of infidelity pain and need all the encouragement going. Xxx


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> I forget, how long were you married before you cheated? 24 years How long before he cheated back? 1.5 years later How long ago was that? 5 years ago Personally I think there is a possibility he is still hurt and angry. I don't think he is going to tell you because he probably thinks nothing is going to change that. He is probably just giving you the most he is willing to. He may know that his cheating is wrong and won't do that again but maybe that is really as far as he is going to go. kind of agree here
> 
> I am not saying this is right, he is wrong but I think this is what happens when the adoration that you once had for your spouse is destroyed. I think it is very hard not to be disheartened and cynical at least it would be for me. In your mind you have taken on some of the responsibility for his cheating as you did on this thread, whether that is right or not people can debate, but I wonder if in his mind he feels let down. Not just by you but by the situation.
> 
> I don't know how you fix it though. Marriage is hard enough without 3 instances of infidelity in it. Maybe in these instances you will just have to suffer if you want to stay married.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Youngwife1000 said:


> Maybe write him a letter on how you feel. Xxx


this is a good idea. 

I'm so sorry you're hurting! You should start a thread!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> Didn’t your husband ‘’friend’’ on Facebook recently, a woman who he is friends with her husband, at the gym? And she is in her late 20’s? You’d think after two rounds of infidelity, that he’d finally get it. *But, it seems like he just doesn’t care, rather than he is unaware of your feelings.*


This ^^^ in bold x 100



katies said:


> So what do I do? Leave or continue to bang my head against the wall? To be clear, it's gotten better as time has gone by. He was totally clueless at the beginning.


Katie, with all due respect I think that it is YOU that will never get it. As the others have said, this is not a matter of you not communicating effectively. It is more about him not accepting or believing the message. He does not want to make the effort, either because he doesn't care or doesn't agree with you that it is a problem. He knows it a problem for YOU. It is just not a problem for HIM.

You are banging your head expecting a different outcome, thinking that it is something YOU can do to change the outcome. A few other veteran posters here have same issue with their H's. They and you think you can somehow just get them to see the light and all will be well. C'mon, K, you are smart. You keep thinking that your H thinks or cares like you do. He does NOT.

IMO, he just has no desire or motivation to do it. If he wanted to get into some hot thing's pants, he surely would be listening and do what it took to get there.

I don't believe he was clueless at the beginning. Just unwilling. 

As for the car, he heard you. But he was reluctant to follow through. A power struggle. He followed the letter of your request, but not the spirit. Parking it on the street? WTF? The amount of money difference between selling it then or now was insignificant to your household. He did the bare minimum. This whole excuse was just an excuse, not a valid explanation. 

You don't bang your head against the wall. You set boundaries and consequences for his actions. But he already knows there would not be any real consequences. You had ONE affair. He didn't leave. He had two to even the score. You didn't leave. He knows nothing will happen with him seeing OW1, 2 or 3 at a work related event. Him telling you ahead of time reduces his power in the marriage. His job is a position of power. That is his currency.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> This ^^^ in bold x 100
> 
> 
> 
> ...


oh, I think I understand. That is why I said MC is useless. I accept and stay or leave.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> oh, I think I understand. That is why I said MC is useless. I accept and stay or leave.


I got to be honest if my wife cheated on me after 24 years of marriage I wouldn't care ether. That's why I wouldn't R. This is probably pretty much par for the course after damage like that is done. I mean he has already done far worse. Not excusing him what I am saying is it's like a expensive vase that is broken over and over and then glued together. It ain't gonna be the priceless object it once was. I know many people on here and other sites like to push this idea about how the marriage can even be better. But really most aren't they are just the same marriage they were before with a bunch of awful crap and long lasting pain thrown in. I don't think expecting better or even the same is realistic. The person you are married to is not the same. I think your husband has accepted this. Maybe it's time to change your expectations if you are going to stay married. I also think it's time to change them if you are going to be happy.

Triggers and pain from these episodes are going to be a part of your marriage for as long as you still love him. Like they say you never get over the affair you just learn to live with it. 

May I ask why are you staying married?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

katies said:


> I think MC made the suggestion that we talk about it beforehand and we both agreed.


That is what I anticipated you telling me. This is a boundary violation of his activity. It is his job to come up with his own plan to navigate the boundary with you on board. "Agreeing" to it might have been desired in the moment to have you back down from your complaint/appease you (possibly other explanations).

Do you have established boundaries that are relatively black and white?

Does it make sense that he needs to create his own plan?

Thoughts?


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

"He"ll never get it". You nailed it right there. If you can live with it, that's all that matters. If you don't want to, that's a tough change to make. But possible 


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