# Step children and resentment



## twilightfan

My partner of 4 years have a child together, he also has a son who lives with us full time and i have 2 sons form a previous marriage. My partner's son can do no wrong and my sons receive the blame for everything. His son talks to me like dirt yet when i say anything about it the situation is turned into how my children's behavior is etc.... i'm at my wits end and could use some advice.....
thanks


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## tacoma

How old are all these kids?

How's your marriage besides the kid situation?
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## diwali123

That would really bother me. Have you talked to him about this? 
I know that there are places that specialize in family counseling for blending families. 
Maybe you could agree on list of rules and consquences for the whole family.


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## tacoma

sricky9900 said:


> You must talk to your partner because this can affect your marriage. One more thing, you have to change your parenting style. Treat your husband's children as your children. While they call you dirt, deal with them very nicely.... :smthumbup:


So you are supposed to coddle a disrespectful child?

The one thing you cannot do is treat your spouses children as your own.You don`t have the same authority as a bio parent which is why being a step is a difficult thing to begin with.

This might help the OP,,

Disengaging Essay - Stepfamily Help Page


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My husband treats my daughter as his own. We treat all three the same and we are fair, but very strict. We have rules and we stick by them. We do not allow any disrespect from the children. Believe me, my daughter was a handful growing up, but she's grown into a beautiful young woman. 

I couldn't do it without my husband. He stays calm, gives choices and follows through consequences. If my daughter disrespected us, her punishment was to clean something. Whether it would be cleaning the basement, pulling weeds outside, picking up rocks around the border of our house, ect... The mouthier she was, the more work she was given. It worked, my husband stayed calm the who time. We will do the same to the other two when the time comes. 

She was 6 years old when we married. My husband and I have the same parenting value and style, except he is much calmer then I am. It's worked very well for us, my daughter fully respects my husband and will soon take on our last name when she turns 18 in a couple months.
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## involedfather

I'd like to pick out one statement and try to make a point from it. You use terms like '...can do no wrong', '...blame for everything', 'when I say anything...'. Now I completely understand and appreciate the feeling, and it's probably well founded, but I'd caution against allowing these generalizations in your mind and try to focus on specific situations/incidents. You may even be correct with the generalization, it may be true in 10 out of 10 incidents. However, I think the generalization will be automatically discounted by your spouse because it is so general.

This is NOT easy, I know. Try though, with all you can, to calmly and respectfully be very specific about incidents you have problems with. I think it's absolutely vital for the parents to present a unified parental front. On one side are the parents, the other are the children, ALL of the children. In your house everyone should fall in one camp or the other and there should be no other camps. This isn't adversarial, it's about healthy lines for the proper raising of children.

There was also something said (by another poster) about not being able to treat your spouses kids as your own. I've heard similar statements from very experienced social workers. I respectfully reject this idea, belief, or fact. As I've told my kids, and I only had to say it once, "You're step-mother is not you mom, there is no conceivable way that she could ever replace your mom and she's not trying to, but she is a parent and authority figure in this house and you WILL respect her as such. In this house her law is my law and vice-versa, there is no difference." Along with this the term "You are not my mom..." was officially outlawed in the house. This is a known and appreciated fact but has nothing to do with the discipline or direction currently being provided.

Now you may read this and think, "what an a__hole". I'll tell you though that the peace and harmony in my house rose considerably after having these conversations. I've seen in behavior and discussed with them the feelings that now step-mom is more important to me than they are but I've tackled that head on as well. I also see a great deal of love for their step mom and attempts to drive a wedge between us are non-existent because of my firm stand on the issue.

Good luck. This isn't easy but you can create the home life you're after. Keep the faith and be relentless in your pursuit.


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