# What would you do?



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

If you were married and your wife had multiple affairs and you suspected that one of your children were not yours, would you have a paternity test done? 

I ask because this is the situation regarding my husband. He was married for six years and during those six years his ex wife had multi affairs. He suspects and has been told by a few people in his and her inner circle that his son may not be his. He's told me he struggles often with wanting to know, but being afraid of what the results may be. His son is 9 y.o. and my husband has been very involved in his (both childrens) life from the start. 

Strangely, his ex opted out of receiving child support from him, for either of his children. 

In New York one can't just opt to have a paternity test done without it being ordered through the courts first. 

If I were a guy, I'd want to know either way. Of course not being in that position, it's easy for me to say I'd want to know. 

What's your feelings?


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Keep me in denial. In the end, how you raise a child means more than who donated the sperm.

I would have wished I had never been told. 

Same thing on an affair. If my wife had an affair and had a true change of heart without being "caught," I would rather never know.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I would not want to know. If I was told it would not change my feelings for the child. Not the kids fault. However, feelings of love,warmth and home for the W would disappear in a second.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Tortdog said:


> Keep me in denial. In the end, how you raise a child means more than who donated the sperm.
> 
> I would have wished I had never been told.
> 
> Same thing on an affair. If my wife had an affair and had a true change of heart without being "caught," I would rather never know.


My answer would be the exact opposite of the above.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> My answer would be the exact opposite of the above.


if the kid is 9, no good will come out of finding out. if we were talking about a baby, i'd want to know.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Tortdog said:


> Keep me in denial. In the end, how you raise a child means more than who donated the sperm.
> 
> I would have wished I had never been told.
> 
> Same thing on an affair. If my wife had an affair and had a true change of heart without being "caught," I would rather never know.


I agree with this "In the end, how you raise a child means more than who donated the sperm." And regardless of the ****ty hand my husband was dealt by his nasty/trashy ex, he is an amazing Dad. I think he too, often wishes he was never told. He had suspicions though about his son and the affairs. He confronted her about the affairs and she coldly admitted to them.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> I would not want to know. If I was told it would not change my feelings for the child. Not the kids fault. However, feelings of love,warmth and home for the W would disappear in a second.


My H and I have talked about this. I've said it wouldn't change his love for his son. He agrees. I just wish I knew how to help him with the struggles he often feels.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> My answer would be the exact opposite of the above.


Seems to me that knowing that there's a possibility that he IS the actual father would be worth it to now and set my mind at ease. Then again, not being in the situation and the chance that the results could be the opposite, it's easy for me to say what I'd do.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

If he is trying to get moolah from the other guy...then hell yeah. 

Otherwise, what good does it do. Seriously, it would only make things worse.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If he does not provide child support, then it would be stupid at this juncture to go to court to disprove paternity. It would cost alot of money, and even if he is not the bio father he is still the father in the eyes of the law... Thus he'd be opening a can of worms that could wind up in him paying child support, since his ext gets dragged into court anyway.

If he gets custody sometimes and can access his child's hair samples, he can do a DIY genetic testing kit avialble at walmart or whatever.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

I would want to know, and I'd still love the kid anyway. It's better to know, than to have the kid find out at some later age, due to something medical, for example, where you can't control the situation where it's discussed with the child.

Not to mention the medical benefits of knowing.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

dubsey said:


> I would want to know, and I'd still love the kid anyway. It's better to know, than to have the kid find out at some later age, due to something medical, for example, where you can't control the situation where it's discussed with the child.
> 
> Not to mention the medical benefits of knowing.


^^ This, especially since there will be times (I assume) where he has custody and cr*p can happen where family medical history would be nice to know (or at least not use his if he is indeed not the bio dad).


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Hicks said:


> If he does not provide child support, then it would be stupid at this juncture to go to court to disprove paternity. It would cost alot of money, and even if he is not the bio father he is still the father in the eyes of the law... Thus he'd be opening a can of worms that could wind up in him paying child support, since his ext gets dragged into court anyway.
> 
> If he gets custody sometimes and can access his child's hair samples, he can do a DIY genetic testing kit avialble at walmart or whatever.


Good point!


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

dubsey said:


> I would want to know, and I'd still love the kid anyway. It's better to know, than to have the kid find out at some later age, due to something medical, for example, where you can't control the situation where it's discussed with the child.
> 
> Not to mention the medical benefits of knowing.


This was a topic of one of our discussions about the situation also.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

naiveonedave said:


> ^^ This, especially since there will be times (I assume) where he has custody and cr*p can happen where family medical history would be nice to know (or at least not use his if he is indeed not the bio dad).


Yes, the children are with us every other weekend. And that thought has crossed our minds. Whatever the case, I support whatever decision he makes, of course.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It's odd she doesn't want child support.. I would lean towards them NOT being his .. since she doesn't care about the child support.. she probably figures that way... he'll never push the issue.. and the kids get treated by 2 different men.. (if those bio dads are in their life , that is).. maybe not!... and she knows he's a darn good man.. 

I am a woman & have pretty strong feelings on this issue... I would want to know.. for men who don't.. I think they are wonderful , very unselfish & giving IF they can love like that, even suspecting these kids may not be his.... my hat is off to them all...

But that ISN'T ME...I wouldn't be able to live with not knowing... that in itself would make me ANGRY....if I found out they weren't , sad thing is... it would sour & emotionally affect many things... he's not paying for their child support.. but those who do.. I find it a grave injustice...

I wouldn't want to pay for a kid that wasn't mine...and I'd want damages.. Good thing I am not a man, and I pray this sort of thing never happens to a son of ours.. 

With so much casual sex & Cheating in our society..I think we are behind the times in making sure men are not screwed in this area personally.. A man has a right to know this before his name goes on any birth certificate.. I find it criminal - that if he finds out later.. how the women gets off scott free here.. she should have to owe him damages.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Doesn't the child have a right to know who is biological father really is? If he has biological siblings and other relatives? Not to mention the child should know his genetic issues.

Swab the child's mouth and send it off to the lab. Put an end to the lies now. You could always contact Maury.

BTW, if your H and his ex-W share custody about 50/50, neither would get child support.

IamSomebody


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

IamSomebody said:


> Doesn't the child have a right to know who is biological father really is? If he has biological siblings and other relatives? Not to mention the child should know his genetic issues.
> 
> Swab the child's mouth and send it off to the lab. Put an end to the lies now. You could always contact Maury.
> 
> ...


Legally, no, there is no right to know.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Tortdog said:


> Legally, no, there is no right to know.


Yes there is for the father who may not be the bio father. That right exists in the US. Since the test is not to change child support and he has the kids 50/50, he can test all he wants when they on his time....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Tortdog said:


> Legally, no, there is no right to know.


I feel Morally it's always the right thing to do...just as morally deceiving a man into thinking a child is his has to be one of the worst betrayals.... our legal system only cares that children are taken care of.. so they don't have to foot the bill.. 

There was a 20/20 I caught many yrs ago now.. never forgot it...it was due to a medical issue with one of the 3 sons ...they tested the Dad to see if he could be a donor or something.. and here this is when he learned he wasn't the father.. he went on to learn 2 of his 3 sons were not his ...He was devastated....

Then he was ANGRY...I sat there appalled how he couldn't do a damn thing about it.. his wife was still seeing her lover...while this other man didn't have to legally pay a dime... 

I think this was one of the 1st times I realized the court system is worthless.. there is no justice . I was outraged for that Father..


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

I am opining on the right of a child to know. My understanding is that there is a right to prevent the child from knowing.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I would want to know. He doesn't have to do a "legal DNA" test. Over the counter DNA test are sold at almost all drugstores. They are fairly simple to perform. Accuracy is also very good.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I was raised by a man not my biological father.  He's always been Daddy. So, yes, who donated the DNA doesn't matter so much when it comes to being a Daddy. However, now that I am older and have run into health concerns, it would have been extremely helpful in diagnosis and treatment if I had the other half of my family medical history.

If I were your DH, I think I'd do the private DNA test. First, because knowing makes a difference. If he knows one way or the other, he can stop wondering and just live without this question humming away like background noise. Second, of course, for medical reasons.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I am a man and would want to know. The uncertainty would be worse for me than finding out a child isn't biologically mine. The child has a moral right to know who his bio father is, too.

I would do a test. It can't be illegal to do so.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

That would suck if the kid died of a heart attack in 20 or 30 years cuz his bio dad had a family history of weak tickers.

Or he suddenly drops dead in some high school football game years from now.

Its really sad this kid can't take any precaution a head of time cuz the fact is his own mom probably doesn't know who the dad could be.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It's odd she doesn't want child support.. I would lean towards them NOT being his .. since she doesn't care about the child support.. she probably figures that way... he'll never push the issue.. and the kids get treated by 2 different men.. (if those bio dads are in their life , that is).. maybe not!... and she knows he's a darn good man..
> 
> I am a woman & have pretty strong feelings on this issue... I would want to know.. for men who don't.. I think they are wonderful , very unselfish & giving IF they can love like that, even suspecting these kids may not be his.... my hat is off to them all...
> 
> ...


I agree with all that you've said. If I were a man, I'd want to know, too. I don't know if there is another man involved in my step sons life or not. For his sake, I'd hope his mom was considerate enough to take the good/bad into consideration. I'm thinking not though. She's not that type person. She's really only concerned with herself. 

The sad part is this situation at times causes my H and I issues. He often caters to her whims because he's afraid she'll go after him for support. Where I say, if he found out the truth, maybe he'd have a leg to stand on, should she decide to do it. Regardless, of the outcome she could go after him for support at any time, in which case we'd pay it but it'd be nice to have something to possibly go on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

the guy said:


> That would suck if the kid died of a heart attack in 20 or 30 years cuz his bio dad had a family history of weak tickers.
> 
> Or he suddenly drops dead in some high school football game years from now.
> 
> Its really sad this kid can't take any precaution a head of time cuz the fact is his own mom probably doesn't know who the dad could be.


Totally agree!!! My husband is such a kind, caring, great dad that it amazes me he doesn't take this into consideration when thinking about the situation. Likely he does think about it but the fear wins out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Thor said:


> I am a man and would want to know. The uncertainty would be worse for me than finding out a child isn't biologically mine. The child has a moral right to know who his bio father is, too.
> 
> I would do a test. It can't be illegal to do so.


It's not illegal, but if we were to buy one of those tests at a drug store and sent it in to the company that does the tests, they wouldn't do it because in New York, it has to be court ordered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> I was raised by a man not my biological father. He's always been Daddy. So, yes, who donated the DNA doesn't matter so much when it comes to being a Daddy. However, now that I am older and have run into health concerns, it would have been extremely helpful in diagnosis and treatment if I had the other half of my family medical history.
> 
> If I were your DH, I think I'd do the private DNA test. First, because knowing makes a difference. If he knows one way or the other, he can stop wondering and just live without this question humming away like background noise. Second, of course, for medical reasons.


And sadly, I know it eats away at him a lot. I don't know how to approach the topic anymore because it's so emotional to him. It breaks my heart for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

ne9907 said:


> I would want to know. He doesn't have to do a "legal DNA" test. Over the counter DNA test are sold at almost all drugstores. They are fairly simple to perform. Accuracy is also very good.


I would totally do that (as long as H agree) but the company that processes the tests said they wouldn't do it because in New York it has to be court ordered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel Morally it's always the right thing to do...just as morally deceiving a man into thinking a child is his has to be one of the worst betrayals.... our legal system only cares that children are taken care of.. so they don't have to foot the bill..
> 
> There was a 20/20 I caught many yrs ago now.. never forgot it...it was due to a medical issue with one of the 3 sons ...they tested the Dad to see if he could be a donor or something.. and here this is when he learned he wasn't the father.. he went on to learn 2 of his 3 sons were not his ...He was devastated....
> 
> ...



How awful! Some people just suck. I despise this woman for what she's done to my H. He is such a great man. Even after she admitted to cheating, he wanted to keep his family together and not break up the home. He thought they were working things through when she decided to take the kids and leave. 
Edited to add: I'm glad she did decide to leave because now I have an amazing man to love the rest of our lives. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

LadybugMomma said:


> I would totally do that (as long as H agree) but the company that processes the tests said they wouldn't do it because in New York it has to be court ordered.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


oh I see.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LadybugMomma said:


> I would totally do that (as long as H agree) but the company that processes the tests said they wouldn't do it because in New York it has to be court ordered.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just googled this..  6 Simple Steps For Paternity Testing In New York State.

So different states have different rules here... I never knew this or heard this spoken on threads of this nature.. I thought ALL could do this on their own, in the privacy of their own homes & pay for the results.. Guess not.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just googled this..  6 Simple Steps For Paternity Testing In New York State.
> 
> So different states have different rules here... I never knew this or heard this spoken on threads of this nature.. I thought ALL could do this on their own, in the privacy of their own homes & pay for the results.. Guess not.


Yes, some dumb rules we have here. It shouldn't be such a issue to find out if your children are yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

IamSomebody said:


> Doesn't the child have a right to know who is biological father really is? If he has biological siblings and other relatives? Not to mention the child should know his genetic issues.
> 
> Swab the child's mouth and send it off to the lab. Put an end to the lies now. You could always contact Maury.
> 
> ...


Funny, I've thought before that there's always Maury, but I'd be embarrassed to be on the show. If it could be done in private, sure. 

As for custody, they do share, but the arrangement they've agreed on is every other weekend they're with here with us. He also goes to their home and takes them out to dinner, the park, ice cream etc at least once during the week. We often get them other times for various things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I know they are divorced, but did she sign papers terminating child support?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Any relatives living elsewhere that wouldn't mind sharing their mailbox?

Where there is a will there is a way. Government rules be da%mEd!


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Any relatives living elsewhere that wouldn't mind sharing their mailbox?
> 
> Where there is a will there is a way. Government rules be da%mEd!


I have thought about this too! I know for sure family that I have in other states would be willing to share their mailbox. It's getting H to want to do it. Idk if "I" have any reason good enough to approach the subject again and get him to understand the importance of doing this. Is there even any reason for ME to be concerned with it? We've had issues in the past with him feeling like he had to kiss ex w's a$$ for unnecessary reason due to him being afraid she'll retaliate and go after him for support (which she could at any time for whatever reason) but I've clearly stated my boundaries and things have been better. So, I'm not sure I have enough valid reason to bring this topic up again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I worked in health stats for a few years. There are many benefits to knowing genetic past for the child. It's a hard spot for your husband to be in.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

LadybugMomma said:


> I would totally do that (as long as H agree) but the company that processes the tests said they wouldn't do it because in New York it has to be court ordered.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not true. The NY Courts have ruled that if a prosecutor presents DNA evidence in court, the analyst must testify in court about the testing. *ONLY* in cases such as this.

Find a lab that knows what they are talking about.

IamSomebody


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I know they are divorced, but did she sign papers terminating child support?


A parent cannot relinquish rights of another person. Child support is for the child, not the parent. Also why pre-nups cannot deny child support.

Why haven't the OP and her H contacted a family law attorney to find out their rights and responsibilities?

IamSomebody


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## llahti (May 4, 2016)

I think her not wanting child supports speaks many many words, that if she seeks child support she might think that the paternity test will happen and then the truth comes out.... with that being said.....

I think if he found out that the child was not his it (very slight might) might change his feelings some.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

LadybugMomma said:


> It's not illegal, but if we were to buy one of those tests at a drug store and sent it in to the company that does the tests, they wouldn't do it because in New York, it has to be court ordered.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just did a quick search and one of the dna lab sites says either a physician or lawyer licensed in NY state is required to order the test. It does not say the court must order it. Your husband's lawyer or doc could order the test, though it sounds like the kids would have to be taken to their office to collect the sample.

Idk if NY law prohibits an informal paternity test, one that won't be used in court, without all the rigamarole of getting a doc or lawyer to order the test, showing ID to the person taking the samples, etc.

I missed how old the kids are. If they're young they won't have any idea what the cheek swab is for. If it were me, I'd find a relative or very trusted friend with a non-NY address to send the results to if I couldn't get my lawyer or doc to order the paternity test in NY. I'd do the swabs myself since the test is for information not for court use.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Oh boy, were they legally married or what? Did they do a quick divorce, while not settling custody and visitation? I'd get with a family lawyer and discuss options. At 9 years old, the laws are against your husband.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

IamSomebody said:


> A parent cannot relinquish rights of another person.


I asked her a question, I made no statements. I am trying to understand why the ex didn't go after him for support. I'm wondering if it was a ploy. She signs something, he waits and now it is too late for him to fight paternity and not pay support. 



> Child support is for the child, not the parent. Also why pre-nups cannot deny child support.[/FONT]


*shrugs* I know, I paid child support and know the system in and out for my state.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK call me an anarchist (some have even added, vigilante) etc but I go by what I believe is morally right and then find a way to make it happen (as legally as possible).

The legal system while being good by and large, is also flawed and cannot always be relied on to do the right thing. Thats just the way it is - not perfect!

So from my own point of view:



I would want to know from a moral standpoint if a woman duped me into believing the child was mine - even if I loved and supported the child. It would not stop me from loving and caring for the child but it would change how I treated his mother a great deal! Am I vengeful - hell yes! Would she pay for it - someway, somehow, someday. She would understand the full impact of what she did and maybe even stop her from doing it to someone else or at least get her to come clean to others she had done it to.


As dubsey said, I would need to know from a medical point of view to understand if the kid has a biological father that had certain medical conditions etc. Also from a donor point of view.


I believe that the kid has a right to know too - court system be blown!


And on the subject of cheating and affairs, again I would want to know for similar reasons to the first (above). Even if she never did it again and truly loved me now.


My DNA I guess.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Thor said:


> I just did a quick search and one of the dna lab sites says either a physician or lawyer licensed in NY state is required to order the test. It does not say the court must order it. Your husband's lawyer or doc could order the test, though it sounds like the kids would have to be taken to their office to collect the sample.
> 
> Idk if NY law prohibits an informal paternity test, one that won't be used in court, without all the rigamarole of getting a doc or lawyer to order the test, showing ID to the person taking the samples, etc.
> 
> I missed how old the kids are. If they're young they won't have any idea what the cheek swab is for. If it were me, I'd find a relative or very trusted friend with a non-NY address to send the results to if I couldn't get my lawyer or doc to order the paternity test in NY. I'd do the swabs myself since the test is for information not for court use.


The children are 11 & 9. I wouldn't have a problem doing it myself, but I would never without my H being ok with it. Idk if it's a subject that I should be involved in or even have any business being concerned with. Of course for medical and moral reasons I'm concerned but H is still unsure of the whole situation. And it's such a touchy, emotional subject for him that I don't even know how to bring the subject up again.

Edited to add: Thank you for doing the research on the subject! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

IamSomebody said:


> A parent cannot relinquish rights of another person. Child support is for the child, not the parent. Also why pre-nups cannot deny child support.
> 
> Why haven't the OP and her H contacted a family law attorney to find out their rights and responsibilities?
> 
> IamSomebody


For whatever reason, in the divorce the ex opted out of receiving child support. I've seen the divorce papers and it's written in there. I'm pretty positive she can withdraw that at any time and he'd end up paying, which is fine, but I've just always been baffled why a mom would opt out of child support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, I won't say all because who knows, but everything I've read and know about child support their agreement is basically worthless. It's why it is better to fight for joint and pay than try and trust the other person to never go to court. If she gets angry and decides to go back you guys can be sued for arrears and monthly support by OSCE. Yes, from DAY ONE since the child was born.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

LadybugMomma said:


> The children are 11 & 9. I wouldn't have a problem doing it myself, but I would never without my H being ok with it. Idk if it's a subject that I should be involved in or even have any business being concerned with. Of course for medical and moral reasons I'm concerned but H is still unsure of the whole situation. And it's such a touchy, emotional subject for him that I don't even know how to bring the subject up again


At those ages it certainly becomes a much trickier situation. I think I would do it under some kind of pretense as far as the kids are concerned. Talk to the doc ahead of time and then tell the kids it is for something different. I can remember getting my throat swabbed for Strep, so I'm sure the doc could either say nothing or come up with some vague non-answer if one of the kids asked.

I don't think the kids should be told ahead of time that their paternity is suspect. And since I have no experience in this area, I would consult with someone like a child psychologist or family therapist before telling them if it does turn out your H is not their bio-dad.

What a complicated and crappy situation his ex has created for the kids. 

As far as it being your business, I guess in a way it really isn't. The only thing would be the moral issues of the kids knowing who their bio dad is. I think there are strong arguments for finding out and then telling them if it is some other man. But it sure is a tricky situation for you whether to bring it up or not. Right now I am leaning to you not bringing it up, but have some prepared approach to use if the topic comes up some other way.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Apart from the whole, legal/moral argument, the child support legal stuff, and everything else, what is the husband thinking/feeling? And how will this test impact the relationship with the child? These tests are a Pandora's box: once you get and learn the results, you can't unlearn them. 

Now, if he find's out the child isn't his, what then? Will he want to continue seeing the child? And if he does, will he still be able to care/support, or will it be too difficult for him to face? Will he choose to cut it out of his life? 

And how will that impact the relationship with the other children? If one isn't his, is it possible that the other aren't too? More doubts could surface, and he could want to test all of them. This could lead to more emotional pain for him. 

And what about the child? If he learns that 'daddy' isn't daddy, how will that impact him? How will that impact his relationships going further? And not just family (mother, possible daddy, possible new daddy, siblings) but other relationships? I was much older when I found out, so who knows how it could affect a 9-year old.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sorry, I won't say all because who knows, but everything I've read and know about child support their agreement is basically worthless. It's why it is better to fight for joint and pay than try and trust the other person to never go to court. If she gets angry and decides to go back you guys can be sued for arrears and monthly support by OSCE. Yes, from DAY ONE since the child was born.


Yes, there's that as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Thor said:


> At those ages it certainly becomes a much trickier situation. I think I would do it under some kind of pretense as far as the kids are concerned. Talk to the doc ahead of time and then tell the kids it is for something different. I can remember getting my throat swabbed for Strep, so I'm sure the doc could either say nothing or come up with some vague non-answer if one of the kids asked.
> 
> I don't think the kids should be told ahead of time that their paternity is suspect. And since I have no experience in this area, I would consult with someone like a child psychologist or family therapist before telling them if it does turn out your H is not their bio-dad.
> 
> ...


I'm a thinker. In some ways it's good, in other ways it's not. As for the here and now there really isn't a dire need to find out, but I think of the chaos, heart break, anger etc that it could create by having to find out later in life, should there be a medical emergency or someone has a slip of the tongue or what have you. 

You're absolutely right, H's ex has created a fine mess here! It breaks my heart sitting here looking at my step children's pictures on our wall and thinking that neither of them resemble their dad one bit. 

As for being the thinker I am, I always have a ready approach for things like this. One, recently, where we were watching a program where adults find out they were adopted and later find their bio parents. I asked my oldest (22) how he'd feel if I told him now that his dad wasn't really his dad? My H was sitting in the room with us, and my son said "I'd be pissed off SO much" and he went on to explain why. 

I hope at some point my H was taking in what my son was saying.
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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Broken at 20 said:


> Apart from the whole, legal/moral argument, the child support legal stuff, and everything else, what is the husband thinking/feeling? And how will this test impact the relationship with the child? These tests are a Pandora's box: once you get and learn the results, you can't unlearn them.
> 
> Now, if he find's out the child isn't his, what then? Will he want to continue seeing the child? And if he does, will he still be able to care/support, or will it be too difficult for him to face? Will he choose to cut it out of his life?
> 
> ...


My H and I talked about all those things should be ever decide to get a test done. He says it wouldn't change things at all. That he'd still want to be a active part of his sons life, regardless of the results. 

As for my SS, it's hard to say how he'd feel if he found out now. I guess in my eyes, knowing now, would mean that he'd have more time to learn of potentially having another dad and maybe siblings etc. Whereas if he were an adult and found out, he could have missed the opportunity to know more of the extended family/grandparents etc. 

H once said he has no doubt that his daughters is his child, and it's very possible but still as I said in another response, looking at her, I see no resemblance to my H. 

Despite every single thing....it's a real crappy situation. H's ex makes me sick at the choices she's made that could potentially have a negative affect on everyone involved.
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