# Wife Says she needs space and time to think



## lehrens (Dec 8, 2011)

Ok here goes,
We have been married for 15 years, three boys 23, 25, and 12. We have had a great marriage and friendship since the beginning. We go out together regularly, dinners, dancing, active social life. Always have had good times together. Recently she has seemed distant and just not that into me. My first thought is she has someone else, she swears she doesn't, have asked during many discussions about all of this. Says she feels smothered by me, I do everything in the house and have always bent over backwards to cater to her (I know this is part of the problem) and lately I feel taken for granted an have wondered if she is the right person for me, but every time I do I realize that I am in love with her and always have been.

Anyways we have been civil about the whole thing but it feels like we are strangers when we are at home together. She goes out with her friends (younger and mostly single) and says she does it to miss me and to try to get the spark back by missing me and trying to realize what she has.

This has been going on for a little over two weeks now. I have made it clear to her that I want things to work and that I value what we have built over the past twenty years (together) and she keeps saying to give her time to figure out if she wants the same thing?

How long do I give her before I get tough or start with ultimatums?

How can she just want to throw all that we have built out the window, again we have always had a very good (at least I thought) and strong relationship.

Is this some kind of mid life crises?

We both work hard, and like with most people times have been tough and we have had to struggle, im sure this has been a factor but i just don't know what is going on in her head.

I am trying hard to leave her be and let her do her thing; which is very hard, I figure I give her one more week and then tell her she needs to leave the house and go figure out what she wants?!

anyways any thoughts would be helpful, this is just more about getting things off my chest I guess as I know there are no good or solid answers and not much I can do.

I don't or cant be with someone who doesn't want to be with me

anyways thanks


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Younger friends, GNO.....

Not a good combination, she's either cheating or thinking of cheating. She's looking to see if she's still got the looks to get men, MLC maybe?

As to how long you wait, YOU DON'T WAIT, set your boundaries and stick to them if she balks, file away for a D or let her go out and have fun until she gets bored and comes back to you used and abused. Your choice.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lehrens said:


> Says she feels smothered by me, ..
> 
> ... She goes out with her friends (younger and mostly single)


These are both pretty clear red flags that a spouse is at the very least looking for someone new if they haven`t found someone yet.



> ...and says she does it to miss me and to try to get the spark back by missing me and trying to realize what she has.


Does this even make any sense to you?
It sounds like fog-talk, another red flag.



> Is this some kind of mid life crises?


Sounds like it.



> I am trying hard to leave her be and let her do her thing; which is very hard, I figure I give her one more week and then tell her she needs to leave the house and go figure out what she wants?!


This is a bad idea.
Why let her "do her thing" when it`s fairly obvious "her thing" is distancing herself from you and the marriage?

I`d deal with this immediately by snooping a bit into what she`s been up to.
Check her call logs, PC, e-mail and so on to see if maybe there`s another person involved before I'd take any action.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Boy do I feel your pain. My WAW gave me many of the some lines. For whatever reason she lost her feeling for me and needs space. She left 5 weeks ago tomorrow. 

I keep thinking it is a MLC, but it could be other things. 

Like you, I was an above and beyond husband with doing most of the work around the house and catering to her. This is obviously not healthy in a relationship. You would think is is by what some women complain about, but in our cases, not.

Be strong, look into the 180.


----------



## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Ultimatums don't work. They push away, rather than drawing in.

Getting tough works. Draw the line and don't back down. If she needs time to think about what she wants, tell her to move out and do all the thinking she needs.

Single, younger friends, out late at night. Then she has the gall to say she's doing it to help your relationship? Give me a break, why aren't you pissed off at this point?

Get some pride back in yourself and stop being treated like a doormat.


----------



## lehrens (Dec 8, 2011)

We have always been honest and upfront with each other, always. We have always talked and we have talked many times about this whole situation and I truly believe (maybe being naive) that if it was about someone else she would have told me. My wife is not shy and has always been forward with me but what the hell do I know at this point

Yeah I don't see being out with younger single people as helping in any way and I have always given her some freedoms but more and more she has been taking advantage and yes making me feel like a door matt!


----------



## lehrens (Dec 8, 2011)

When I say ultimatum I mean that if she needs to figure something out she needs to leave and figure it out away from me and her family. Go see what it will really be like out there!


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lehrens said:


> ...I do everything in the house and have always bent over backwards to cater to her...
> 
> ...she keeps saying to give her time to figure out if she wants the same thing?
> 
> ...


you set yourself a very clear and reasonable boundary here, it is time for you to enforce it.

Whatever her reasons, there is certainly an attraction issue going on (as in she has not attracted to you) probably because you don't enforce boundaries and let her treat you like crap. So here is one boundary that you have no reason to waiver on - if she truly needs time and space you give her what she wants, stop taking care of her, ask her to leave, file a separation/divorce and use all that energy for yourself and your children. Make it clear you are not a backup plan, you deserve a W who will put you above all other men.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

For your own well-being though, before you let her have the time and space she is asking for (ie the freedom to date and screw whomever she wants to and can) make sure you get to the truth yourself, it is much easier to find out if there is already an affair now, while she is in the same house... I think "spying" (even of people on other threads think it is entirely wrong an no good can come of it) is the only way you will discover the truth because no cheating spouse EVER voluntarily admits of their infidelity, her words are of little value to you right now, her actions speak much clearer and getting a VAR, checking her cell phone backup logs, computer history or hiring a PA will get you a much better picture of the truth.


----------



## lehrens (Dec 8, 2011)

Thanks for all the input! We shall see soon how things will unfold! Stay tuned!


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Your so nieve. Theres not a wife in the world that would tell her husband she's having an affair while at the same time wants time to think things over. Basically, what she's telling you by her actions is that sh wants space to play th field, but keep you around just in case. Welcome to being on the Fallback bus.

So, first off, go read some books.
"married man sex life primer"
"hold onto your n.u.t.s."
"no more mr nice guy"

Then go visit the Men's forum here. Read up on nice guys
The go to marriedmansexlife.com

Next, you have to decide if your ok with being the fallback guy. If so, that's your choice. But expect a life of being a cuckold.
If, not, then there is no "waiting". Why should you wait and put your life on hold while she gets to take her time deciding?

Personally, I would do one of two things here.
I would either tell her I'm not waiting around in limbo while she plays the field. She can do that on her own time, in her own house, after we seperated.
Or, depending upon my mood, I would tell her that's a great idea! I need to find myself too. So, she gets every second Friday to go out with the girls, but I need Monday's, Wednesday's, and Fridays right after work for the gym. And every second Saturday to go out with my single buddies to find myself, too. Oh, and the guys like going to pickup bars, so I hope your cool with that. Don't worry. It's all good. I mean, what a better place to rediscover myself than those places.

Chances are, option 2 will freak the shat out of her. Because what she is really thinking in her head is that she gets to go have fun. But never in a million years considered that the shoe can easily be put on the other foot. They NEVER consider this. Right now it's all about her.

And stop catering to her. Wtf is wrong with you. She's just a person, not a princess. Never do more than 55 percent of the housework. Your not a butler.

and stop being so beta. Get more alpha in you. Go to the gym. Work out. Get hobbies. Go out with your man friends. Never put her on a pedestal like you have. 

And of course....never ever be afraid of your woman. That's worse than beta. That's omega behavior. Such a turn off to women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "I need space" means: "I've met someone..."

Start checking e-mails, phone records, put a VAR under her car seat, and check out Billy Baroo's thread-it sounds eerily similar to yours. A woman doesn't just switch her feelings off for her H unless there is someone else involved.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

F-102 said:


> I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "I need space" means: "I've met someone..."


Agreed 100 percent.

Also I am agreeing with this entire thread. Such a strong feeling to come and see the good men and women on this forum stepping up with the spot on advice.

To Lehrens, please take all this advice to heart, it is truth.

"I need space", to hear this from a woman, do not take it literal even for one second. Again, not even for one second.

Do not let your woman have the driver seat all by herself in the relationship ever to ever think you must "wait" or "give her space" to "think" or "be confused" or "find herself" or any of this other really just nonsense and smokescreens good men often hear from a woman who is not having thought for the relationship other than to get out and move on smoothly and subtle as possible.

You are responsible for your happiness, and even so, to drop the hammer on some ridiculous Girls Night Out when a married woman who is a mother is behaving as a carefree single woman playing the field.

She is seeking sexual and emotional high from attention she receives at these places and with her girlfriends. It is an addiction, treat it as such, by dropping the hammer on such behavior.

And this is only assuming a best case.

Worst case, and more probable, there is other man or men in the picture and this will only spell trouble and misery. Again, drop the hammer on this behavior.

Dropping the hammer of course, sad as it may seem at first, means that you simply will not be part of an "open" marriage, or be married to a woman that doesn't choose you first above any and all other men, not to mention her own children and family unit, and you express this sentiment calmly and confidently with strength and aloofness, and NEVER with begging, pleading, weakness, or expecting some sort of sympathy (no, you won't get it).

Spend time in the Men's Clubhouse, understand the "180", turning down the "emotional thermostat", masculine dominance, and female hypergamy, and many other topics together to both increase your own attractiveness and snuff potential or actual affairs, to see how all this fits together to this one thing:

Being so much the man demonstrated by your action and behavior (not mere words) as to be without doubt happy and successful either WITH OR WITHOUT her, is the most effective course to put a stop to her nonsense. 

Get to this point, quickly!

I wish you well.


----------

