# still confused after so many years..anymore insight?



## theshiva89 (Nov 17, 2015)

so it all started back when I was a senior in high school. I came from a rather small town, and people were super close minded there, including my parents. A few people had came out of the closet, but not many. Anyways, I would notice myself checking out other men's penile regions during P.E. I didnt think much of it at the time, as I thought it was normal and that I was just comparing the size of my penis to other guys. Fast forward to my freshman year of college, and I noticed that I started becoming more curious about anything that involved the penis. From giving oral sex, to getting anal..the curiosity grew by the day. I started looking at bi and gay porn on occasion, and that just made the fantasies more intense, more vivid. Fast forward a couple years, and I meet my wife. Urges are still there, and trying to push them away. I began to seek the advice from her female friends after we graduated from college. I didnt know how to handle my thoughts, and thought it was a good idea at the time. The sad thing was, it ended up costing my wife and i the friendship with her best female friend from college. The girl was in our wedding too. Apparently she didnt appreciate me talking to her before my wife. my wife and I have spoken a few times about things..but its always kinda akward. It has been discussed twice. Once after she found out i had spoken to other women, and the second was after i had trouble performing during sex.

What do you all think? Was I wrong for seeking advice from her friends? How do I deal with the shame I feel from these fantasies? Is this common?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ya, that is not something you talk to your wife's friends about, you shouldn't have involved them in your sex life at all. 
Shame- Were you brought up religious? Do you enjoy and want sex with a woman? Go and make an appointment with a sex therapist, go a few times on your own and have them help bring your wife into it to talk to her about it together.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Tell your wife the truth. That you have gay/bisexual tendencies. Stop hiding behind "I am so confused". You are not confused you know what you want. You are just spineless in admitting it to yourself. 

Stop putting other people in the middle of a conversation that you should be having with your wife. This is not a confused question. This a you being dishonest dilemma. That is why your wife's friend is mad. You are deceiving everyone and playing the poor me, I am confused card. Everyone is sick of it. Get real. Tell the truth.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm unclear about when you opened up to your wife's friends about your sexual fantasies involving men. If it was before you were engaged/married, it's not a breach of trust and I can understand why you might not have wanted the girl you were dating to know you had sexual thoughts involving other men. However, once you and your wife started to get serious, yes you should have spoken to her about your fantasies.

You're essentially questioning your sexual orientation/identity. That's absolutely something your wife should have known BEFORE you married.

Regarding your quest to figure out if your gay or not, it's not always an easy thing to answer. Some people know absolutely what their sexual identity is and some people take a long time to figure it out. 

I think you might be gay or bi. You don't mention how you experience a sexual attraction to your wife,mor if you experience sexual fantasies involving women. Just being married doesn't mean you're bi. Falling in love with your wife doesn't mean you're bi. People can fall in love with anyone and sometimes that love doesn't always involve a sexual attraction.

Am I Gay? A Guide for People who Question their Sexual Orientation


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

One interesting phenomenon I have read about on the internet is that many people seek out their sexuality through novelty. So someone that watches a lot of porn that is geared towards a heterosexual orientation will eventually loose interest in that content, and eventually start watching something that includes group sex. Then as various combinations of groups sex become more novel, one finds themselves watching something bisexual without even noticing. Then as that becomes boring, one might find themselves watching the various ways in which others of the same sex masturbate, or even homosexual videos which is primarily driven by seeking out something novel. 

Then at the end of the day you have someone that was exclusively attracted to heterosexual fantasy that through overstimulation and seeking novelty one day stops and thinks they might be homosexual. 

That may or may not be your case, but that phenomenon has actually been a studied pattern of behavior in those researching the effects of porn on today's society. 

Once you let go of the shame, you can just be yourself again whatever that may be! So do talk about it with your wife. Don't force her to try anything awkward like pegging (unless she wants to), but mostly have her help you let go of the shame since you mentioned that was how you felt.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Don't try to put a name on your sexual interests, it doesn't matter. What you do need to decide is if you can be happy just with your wife. 

Most people have some sexual attraction to people other than their long term partners. Most people have fantasies that they don't tell their partners. 

How much you should tell your wife depends on her reaction to discussions of sexual fantasies.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

theshiva89 said:


> ....From giving oral sex, to getting anal..the curiosity grew by the day. I started looking at bi and gay porn on occasion, and that just made the fantasies more intense, more vivid. Fast forward a couple years, and I meet my wife....
> 
> ....What do you all think? Was I wrong for seeking advice from her friends? How do I deal with the shame I feel from these fantasies? Is this common?



What do I think? Doesn't matter. Is it common? Not very common.

Seeking advice on sexual matters from one of your wife's girlfriends and not your wife? Not a great idea.

Some advice. Hopefully before you and your wife create a child, you need to do some serious introspection. You are married. Do you want to stay married and what does marriage mean to you and to your wife?

If you choose to stay married in a traditional marriage, then you will need to remain faithful to her and have her as your only sex partner. I would suggest that if you choose marriage that you talk to your wife and tell her that you love her to pieces and she is the only one for you, but that you have urges that you would like her to help you control. Probably a sex therapist marriage counselor would help a lot in that discussion, especially one who has some training in bisexuality. The ST may be able to suggest ways that you and your wife can interact with each other to help you each get what you need out of your marriage. 

Good luck.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Most people have some sexual attraction to people other than their long term partners. Most people have fantasies that they don't tell their partners.


I sometimes have fantasies of being on the international space station, going on a space walk, and seeing if an anonymous team of scientists at nasa can get me off with the robotic arm, but you will not find me on the phone with nasa everyday begging them to help my dreams come true. 

Instead I enjoy letting my wife program the Sphero for a round of weiner derby on top of our bed sheets!

Badsanta


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

theshiva89 said:


> so it all started back when I was a senior in high school. I came from a rather small town, and people were super close minded there, including my parents. A few people had came out of the closet, but not many. Anyways, I would notice myself checking out other men's penile regions during P.E. I didnt think much of it at the time, as I thought it was normal and that I was just comparing the size of my penis to other guys. Fast forward to my freshman year of college, and I noticed that I started becoming more curious about anything that involved the penis. From giving oral sex, to getting anal..the curiosity grew by the day. I started looking at bi and gay porn on occasion, and that just made the fantasies more intense, more vivid. Fast forward a couple years, and I meet my wife. Urges are still there, and trying to push them away. I began to seek the advice from her female friends after we graduated from college. I didnt know how to handle my thoughts, and thought it was a good idea at the time. The sad thing was, it ended up costing my wife and i the friendship with her best female friend from college. The girl was in our wedding too. Apparently she didnt appreciate me talking to her before my wife. my wife and I have spoken a few times about things..but its always kinda akward. It has been discussed twice. Once after she found out i had spoken to other women, and the second was after i had trouble performing during sex.
> 
> What do you all think? Was I wrong for seeking advice from her friends? How do I deal with the shame I feel from these fantasies? Is this common?


I knew this post was familiar. It's also been posted on 4 other sites since last May:

Seeking female opinions..was I wrong for asking for advice from other women? - Talk About Marriage


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> I knew this post was familiar. It's also been posted on 4 other sites since last May:
> 
> Seeking female opinions..was I wrong for asking for advice from other women? - Talk About Marriage


Good catch, SM!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theshiva89 (Nov 17, 2015)

Ok, I want to clarify something. The friend of my wife, was also a close friend of mine. Her and her husband were super close with my wife and I in college. I felt I could go to her for support and clarity on how to handle the situation and talk to my wife about it. Am I sexually into her, as well as women in general? Definitely. Always have been.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

theshiva89 said:


> Ok, I want to clarify something. The friend of my wife, was also a close friend of mine. Her and her husband were super close with my wife and I in college. I felt I could go to her for support and clarity on how to handle the situation and talk to my wife about it. Am I sexually into her, as well as women in general? Definitely. Always have been.


If you want to wrap your head around what you have done, imagine that your wife had some "unknown" sexual tendencies and she would only confide in your best male friend from college (also her friend) to whom she is also definitely attracted to. 

Not cool.

Marriage is about opening your self to vulnerability to your spouse so that you can love and care for one another, and you broke that vow of trust with your wife by going to not only another friend first, but one you also find attractive.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

theshiva89 said:


> Ok, I want to clarify something. The friend of my wife, was also a close friend of mine. Her and her husband were super close with my wife and I in college. I felt I could go to her for support and clarity on how to handle the situation and talk to my wife about it. Am I sexually into her, as well as women in general? Definitely. Always have been.


Okay, so you're bisexual, or bi-curious. There's your answer about that.

Discussing this with somebody other than your wife or best (preferably same-sex) friend - not a great idea. Especially if this person is friends with your wife. That's kind of a no-brainer, IMO. Most people have somebody close they can confide things to, but doing it with a mutual friend is a no-no. Puts them in a very bad situation.

As for these urges - pretty common I'd say, depending on one's sexual experience. If you're the type who's sown his/her wild oats before marriage, you're not likely to find yourself wondering if you've missed out on something. If you didn't have a whole lot of experience prior to marriage, then you're more likely to start thinking about what you may have missed out on.

But here's the thing: most people probably haven't done everything they've wanted to before getting married and many of us will feel, at one point or another, that perhaps we missed out on something - no matter how much we love our spouse. But that's life. Very few people accomplish absolutely everything they want or desire in life, sexual or non-sexual. Work, relationships, accomplishments, travelling - anything. This includes sexual encounters.

One can choose to obsess over these missed opportunities and eventually resent one's partner, or they can choose to embrace the path they have chosen and be happy.


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