# Confused - am I brainwashed???



## FloridaSun (Apr 8, 2014)

I really need to ask someone about their view on the issue, and I am not sure who to turn to.
My husband and I had a massive blow out today (we've been married 12 years), and now I am questioning my sanity.
I am 35 and back in school - for the first time in my life I am pursuing my own dreams. Husband has been very controlling during our marriage, but he is really trying to change his ways. The fact that he is ok with me going to school is major!
Here is the issue: 3 of my classmates (guys) asked me for help with a PPT, since I had finished mine way before the presentation was due.
I had no problem with it, and after class, went to the library - in school - and helped them set up slides and showed them how to do a few things. I was there for about an hour, then left home.
When I casually mentioned this to my husband, thinking it was no big deal - a girl helping her classmates with assignment - he went silent. He was acting odd all day yesterday, and this morning he told me he is upset with me for going and helping my classmates, because they were all guys. 
Now I am wondering if he was right? Was I supposed to decline this? Was I supposed to say no to them because they happened to be guys? It was all harmless, obviously, there is no interest there whatsoever…. It's just that now I am wondering if he was right?
What is some of your's opinion about this issue? Who was right? 
Me or him?
Thank you!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You were right, it's not a big deal. That kind of thing is just part of college life. I had many group projects, presentations and study sessions with classmates. It was a group, in a public setting so no harm no foul.

That said, your husband is entitled to his feelings and you should be respecting them. He's obviously not all that comfortable with you going to school with a bunch of college guys sniffing around. Meet with the same guy twice, and I predict a very bad outcome.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

FloridaSun said:


> *I am 35 and back in school - for the first time in my life I am pursuing my own dreams. Husband has been very controlling during our marriage, but he is really trying to change his ways. The fact that he is ok with me going to school is major!*


I think the answer to your question is in the part of your post I have highlighted, and enlarged.

And are you saying that a simple thing like you returning to school is something major for him?

Stop questioning your sanity, something is definitely wrong, not with you, but with him.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Everyone has things they're comfortable with or not. I think he may have overreacted but I don't think it's odd that your husband didn't feel comfortable with that. If this was the first time you were around a bunch of guys in a while without him, maybe that's why he overreacted. 

I wouldn't be completely comfortable with my girl in a group of all guys studying, but I would understand - it's just school and studying. 

You should just talk to him about it and maybe give him a heads up if there's a posibility of group studies with a bunch of guys. Explain to him how it works. But try not to make it a habit if guys are involved. You may just have to decline sometimes. 



Regardless - you should respect his feelings/desires.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Yes, he is acting unreasonably and has a record of it. Every girl I went out with in college was the same, but you should be able to expect better from your husband.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Your husband is acting ridiculous. Going to school means interacting with other students. Maybe he would be more comfortable in an Islamic country where male and female students are totally segregated. 

If he's acting this way now, how do you think he will react when you get a job and have to interact with co-workers and customers every day?



WorkingOnMe said:


> That said, your husband is entitled to his feelings and you should be respecting them. He's obviously not all that comfortable with you going to school with a bunch of college guys sniffing around. Meet with the same guy twice, and I predict a very bad outcome.


I disagree. His jealousy here is totally unreasonable, and if she tries to accomodate that she is just feeding into his paranoia. 

And you "predict a very bad outcome" by meeting with the same guy twice? Even if it's in a public place like the library?? That's awfully paranoid. Not everyone is an affair waiting to happen.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, would you mind if he went to school and did the same thing to you? 

I don't think you are unreasonable, but your husband is clearly concerned (and he should be). I have doubt that these guys are actually looking for help (come on now) and have interest in his wife.

You add young age to the equation and I can see some jealousy coming up quickly.

I'm pretty sure OP would feel the same way if it was him. Young girls trying to get help from older guy etc.

I would simmer the situation down a bit and tell him that it was a one time thing and you won't be doing it again with the same people. But leave it open ended for new people (even if male) to kind of reach a middle ground. Just so he knows that even though you are concerned, you don't want to go to extreme of things.

If he wants to establish a boundary of no male friendships/buddies etc, you will need to think about that.,.....and recommend accepting (on his end too).

Truth is, no male will ever talk to you, be your friend or even reach out for help (school work or whatever) if they have no sexual desire....you should know this as a woman!!!


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

DoF said:


> OP, would you mind if he went to school and did the same thing to you?
> 
> I don't think you are unreasonable, but your husband is clearly concerned (and he should be). I have doubt that these guys are actually looking for help (come on now) and have interest in his wife.
> 
> ...


As a man, I would dispute this. I suspect the OP is somewhat older that the students involved, who are young enough to possibly want the help of a proper grown up.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> As a man, I would dispute this. I suspect the OP is somewhat older that the students involved, who are young enough to possibly want the help of a proper grown up.


There is ALWAYS an exception to the rule.

Chances are, you are a grown/mature man.

We are talking 20 year old boys here........chances are pretty high that my statement stands.



As long as OP is aware of that and puts up walls/boundaries, there is no problem.

But she should put her husband at ease, clearly he is concerned. I had rough time with this in the past but have learned to let it go and not stress over things that I can't control (like other women). 

It's still woman's job to show her husband that there is no way in hell (in some way/shape or form). Lot of women LOVE attention and all that, which gives man a false sense of security. And the reason why woman have to do it more than man is because they are the gate keepers (men are not).

With great power comes great responsibility.

I'm not saying that attention is bad (well it can be especially if acquired the wrong way......clothing/cleavage etc) but women have to be more sensitive and contain their excitement a bit as it makes their man rather uncomfortable and stirs up wrong feelings etc.

OP, this man clearly loves you very much (if he is concerned about this).

How would you feel if he didn't give a crap at all?? You see how that works?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

DoF said:


> There is ALWAYS an exception to the rule.
> 
> Chances are, you are a grown/mature man.
> 
> ...


Well, I am old anyway.

I have been young long ago. I am well aware that thirty-five seemed ancient. I am also aware that twenty year-olds for all their bravado barely consider themselves men at all and will still be slightly lost. I deal with lots of young lads that age, and they are quite happy to be told what to do. Also, she will be far better at getting things done than them.

If she were twenty, I would agree with you. But that age gap will seem even bigger to them than it does to us. To them, she will look like a Mum.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> Well, I am old anyway.
> 
> I have been young long ago. I am well aware that thirty-five seemed ancient. I am also aware that twenty year-olds for all their bravado barely consider themselves men at all and will still be slightly lost. I deal with lots of young lads that age, and they are quite happy to be told what to do. Also, she will be far better at getting things done than them.
> 
> If she were twenty, I would agree with you. But that age gap will seem even bigger to them than it does to us. To them, she will look like a Mum.


Not true

For example, I have always been more attracted to mature women vs young girls. 

Since VERY young age.

PLENTY of young folks find older mature women VERY attractive. 



Even till this age (I'm in the mid 30s now). I still prefer fully mature woman vs 18 year old even up until 30s. 

I can't really put my finger on what it is either......it's just how I feel.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

He's being insecure. It's part of his control issues.

You were in the school, it's not like you went to their house. There's nothing wrong with what you did. 

He needs to trust you. Otherwise if you let him, all you will end up doing with your life is worrying about HIS feelings all the time.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

struggle said:


> He's being insecure. It's part of his control issues.
> 
> You were in the school, it's not like you went to their house. There's nothing wrong with what you did.
> 
> He needs to trust you. Otherwise if you let him, all you will end up doing with your life is worrying about HIS feelings all the time.


I'm pretty sure he trusts her, or he wouldn't be with her.

He is simply concerned about this event and needs comfort on that end......OP should do that. And if it means not doing it again to make him feel crappy, let that be (again that's up to them to agree upon).

The key here is to listen and be sensitive to what he is communicating to her.

Be positive, again, clearly the guy loves OP very much or he would've give a crap if she simply talked to a male or bang him.

No need to take things to the extreme or make him a bad guy. 

EVERYONE has insecurities and there is no such a thing as 100% trust.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

DoF said:


> Not true
> 
> For example, I have always been more attracted to mature women vs young girls.
> 
> ...


You are a sample size of one, so the Not true is a little full. There are boys who prefer older women and there are lots of girls that prefer older men.

I think that you write about women as the responsible ones, where I expect to be the grown-up one perhaps reflects this a little. It also reflects that you seek responsibility and maturity, whereas I am accepting of daftness. Oddly, it seems mutual.

As a 20 yo, 25 seemed very old. At 22, I was surprised when a 27 year old referred to themselves as young. If I asked a 35 year old for help around a library, it was probably because I thought she would be better round the library than me. We also have to trust the OP that the husband has more history of being controlling that she does of running off with young lads.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> You are a sample size of one, so the Not true is a little full. There are boys who prefer older women and there are lots of girls that prefer older men.
> 
> I think that you write about women as the responsible ones, where I expect to be the grown-up one perhaps reflects this a little. It also reflects that you seek responsibility and maturity, whereas I am accepting of daftness. Oddly, it seems mutual.
> 
> As a 20 yo, 25 seemed very old. At 22, I was surprised when a 27 year old referred to themselves as young. If I asked a 35 year old for help around a library, it was probably because I thought she would be better round the library than me. We also have to trust the OP that the husband has more history of being controlling that she does of running off with young lads.


Can't disagree with any of that.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You say your husband is controlling and all that, without providing any other evidence I can't comment on that.

In regards to the situation you've outlined in your post, I might have reacted similarly. You can eliminate it as a problem by communicating with him and setting proper boundaries.

The thought of my wife hanging out with a bunch of horny college guys wouldn't put me at ease. It's your job to make him comfortable in how you deal with it. Things that would probably help would be communicating BEFORE hand and letting him decide, letting him know your whereabouts and who you are with, and having well defined boundaries established before you are in these positions.

If he's really controlling, none of that may matter, but just from your post I wouldn't consider that controlling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is being unreasonable. 

You were is a public place and stayed only as long as it took to help them out. When you get through with your education you will be getting a job and working with men. He's going to need to get used it.

I work with mostly men. As an engineer I have always worked mostly with men. There has never been a problem because I've made it clear that I was only there for the purpose of doing the work I am paid to do.

Yes I have had guys flirt and even make a pass or two. So what, I can handle that and put them down in a way that allows us to continue working together with no problems.

If your husband cannot handle you living the real world then you need to decide what you will do. Will you limit yourself to appease his insecurities? Or will you find a way to handle this and let him know that you will not let his insecurities limit you.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

DoF said:


> OP, would you mind if he went to school and did the same thing to you?
> 
> I don't think you are unreasonable, but your husband is clearly concerned (and he should be). I have doubt that these guys are actually looking for help (come on now) and have interest in his wife.
> 
> ...


OMG do we even live in the same century??

Reality check. OP pursues her dreams and goes to school. Controlling husband doesn't like it one bit, even if he says otherwise. She might gain a little independence from him, which is frightening. Existing insecurity grows even bigger.

So first thing that happens when she doesn't come straight home (where she should have been the whole time in the first place! says dh) after class? He blows up. Pretext: other guys were there.

Classic passive aggressive.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

COguy said:


> You say your husband is controlling and all that, without providing any other evidence I can't comment on that.
> 
> In regards to the situation you've outlined in your post, I might have reacted similarly. You can eliminate it as a problem by communicating with him and setting proper boundaries.
> 
> ...


Yep, agreed


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## thejjones (Apr 9, 2014)

I don't think what you did was wrong, but maybe next time sending a quick text or a brief phone call before might help. If my husband were going to hang out alone (even in public) with a bunch of young women, I would want to know before and not after the fact. But that's just me.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EasyPartner said:


> OP pursues her dreams and goes to school. Controlling husband doesn't like it one bit, even if he says otherwise.


That's an assumption



EasyPartner said:


> She might gain a little independence from him, which is frightening. Existing insecurity grows even bigger.


Assumption again



EasyPartner said:


> So first thing that happens when she doesn't come straight home (where she should have been the whole time in the first place! says dh) after class? He blows up. Pretext: other guys were there.
> 
> Classic passive aggressive.


Did he blow up? I don't see that in original post.

He was curious where she was and simply asked. He has every right to know as her husband!

Fact that there were other guys there does NOT help (makes it worse).

Perhaps a phone call from OP before hand to make sure he is ok with it would've been in order. Would've went a long way IMO.

So I'm curious, what century are you in?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

thejjones said:


> I don't think what you did was wrong, but maybe next time sending a quick text or a brief phone call before might help. If my husband were going to hang out alone (even in public) with a bunch of young women, I would want to know before and not after the fact. But that's just me.


exactly!

That's why I asked OP to put herself in his shoes first.....


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

DoF said:


> I'm pretty sure he trusts her, or he wouldn't be with her.
> 
> He is simply concerned about this event and needs comfort on that end......OP should do that. And if it means not doing it again to make him feel crappy, let that be (again that's up to them to agree upon).
> 
> ...


So every couple that's together trusts each other? 
From the TAM world of VARs and such....no...not necessarily
Considering the nature of a controlling-type personality, they trust no one but themselves. They like everyone in the compartments they put them in...and thou shalt not escape. 

Trust...control....insecurity. Unless OP gave him a reason to be insecure, there's no reason he shouldn't trust her. Sure everyone has insecurities, but he picked the wrong battle. He was concerned about what exactly? Her interacting with the opposite sex in an environment he wasn't a part of? Better not let her leave the house then....what do to if she gets a job and has to....gasp.....have a meeting with a room full of men! 

Sure she can reassure him. But how many times past one time does she need to reassure him? No reason for him to make her feel bad, or for her to feel bad for his insecurity. She did nothing wrong. She's in school, its part of the program and its ok to interact with and help her fellow students. 

So in my mind..... there is a line....where you listen to your SO and their concerns, and reassure them, and that's what works. Both of you then being on the same page. But you cross that line when your reassurance never works, he's still insecure for no real good reason, and he uses it as a way to manipulate you. So if she reassures him and they move on from it, that's great!


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

DoF said:


> That's an assumption
> 
> *Sure. He's not controlling at all. Sure, go to school already. And then complain when she meets fellow students. Passive aggressive anyone?*
> 
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> Well, I am old anyway.
> 
> I have been young long ago. I am well aware that thirty-five seemed ancient. I am also aware that twenty year-olds for all their bravado barely consider themselves men at all and will still be slightly lost. I deal with lots of young lads that age, and they are quite happy to be told what to do. Also, she will be far better at getting things done than them.
> 
> If she were twenty, I would agree with you. But that age gap will seem even bigger to them than it does to us. To them, she will look like a Mum.


You have got to be living in another world!

When I was 19 I had sex with some women in their thirties. I did not treat them like my mum. Their is a definite chemistry that happens often with women in their sexual prime and much younger men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> You have got to be living in another world!
> 
> When I was 19 I had sex with some women in their thirties. I did not treat them like my mum. Their is a definite chemistry that happens often with women in their sexual prime and much younger men.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 






Now trying to imagine myself with a 19 year old 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I do not speak for always. The post was in reply to an assertion that sexual conquest was almost certainly the only reason. It was this I questioned, I would certainly not argue that it will never happen and I am sorry if I gave that impression.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

Sorry you're married to such an insecure jerk. Next thing he may insist on your wearing a burqa to school!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What will he do when you are working and have to perhaps interact with men in the workplace on a daily basis and work on projects together?

If he sees you working on a school assignment with college aged males a problem, what will his feelings be about you working with accomplished men? I would view men in the workplace as more of a threat than some young college men.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

struggle said:


> So every couple that's together trusts each other?
> From the TAM world of VARs and such....no...not necessarily
> Considering the nature of a controlling-type personality, they trust no one but themselves. They like everyone in the compartments they put them in...and thou shalt not escape.
> 
> ...


Not sure what you are trying to get at here.

Look, she needs to take BABY steps and ease into it. 

Clearly her husband thinks that his wife is pretty vulnerable (as she has been a stay at home mother with very limited communication/interaction/social life etc). 

There is man out there that will swallow her up, spit her up and recycle AND some. Plenty of man out there that have game you wouldn't believe.

She has TONS of stuff to learn and experience before he will be comfortable with her being out there on her own (this has NOTHING to do with trust btw).

That's why I said "BABY STEPS". Ease into it (and seems like OP is doing it). 

Again, I don't think what she did is out of order, HOW she did it is perhaps an issue (would've been nice to tell H that she will be late/helping out students etc).


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

DoF said:


> Did he blow up? I don't see that in original post.
> 
> He was curious where she was and simply asked. He has every right to know as her husband!


She said they had "a massive blow-up."

OP, did he yell at you? se derogatory language? 

Yes, he is controlling and unreasonable. Has he ever been violent?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

struggle said:


> Now trying to imagine myself with a 19 year old
> 
> Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL! Not so far fetched. A year later I met a 31 year old woman, immediately started dating her and sleeping with her and 22 years later it is still getting better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

if the shoe was on the other foot the advice would be different.


just sayin........

did you call him before hand and tell him you were going to the library to study with some guys?

there is no rule that you are under any obligation to help your classmates.

as a matter of fact I can't see any reason to help them at all. 

a simple sorry I can't help you is easy enough to say.

In the real world its dog eat dog. number one first. if they can't hack it more job opportunities for you.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> there is no rule that you are under any obligation to help your classmates.
> 
> as a matter of fact I can't see any reason to help them at all.
> 
> ...



Wow.. that's certainly harsh advice. What happens when she needs some help herself?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Theseus said:


> Wow.. that's certainly harsh advice. What happens when she needs some help herself?



the world is a harsh place.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

The world is not that harsh. In science, people collaborate constantly and generally without immediate payback on the basis that co-operation helps everyone. Students will often help each other out. 

It is not a race against your fellow students, but a chance the learn and understand as much as possible. Helping each other out is the best way to do that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that there are times when helping others is a good idea and times when it's not.

When I was in college I helped out people a lot... this is because the more I explained things, the more I learned. And there is that collaboration thing that builds professional bonds in my field. I do the same thing at work now. It's helped me to build connections that are good for me every bit as much as they are for the other person.

On the other hand, there was that one guy in college who I realized had a habit of getting smart women to do his part of the projects.. then he'd take credit for the work and look good. He never reciprocated by helping or even pulling his own weight. Once his game became clear I would never help him again.


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