# which pet takes priority ?



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If you have read other threads I started you know something about my extended family / DH's family dynamic. 

DH & I own a house in Florida. MIL lives in the house & has dementia. DH's brother & his wife moved in over Memorial Day weekend. They live rent free, pay 1/2 the utilities & "take care of" MIL. They have a cat & I'm highly allergic. I put 4 stipulations on them living there: 

1. take care of mom​​2. leave our bedroom alone​​3. don't smoke in the house​​4. board the cat elsewhere when we come down with the dog. (SIL's mother lives less than 5 miles away)​
We're heading down next week & SIL is balking at removing the cat from the home while we are there with our dog. The dog has a high prey drive & hates cats. The dog has killed other small animals like mice. I caught her trying to kill a stray cat that had been teasing her. 

I fear for the cat's life if both animals are in the house together. SIL will understandably freak if the dog kills the cat. We can't keep the cat locked up in their bedroom while we are there because the dog will constantly be at the door, scratching, barking & whining. I worry MIL won't understand & will open the bedroom door. We can't watch MIL constantly. She wakes up at night & wanders about the house. 

DH said "screw it" let the dog kill the cat, not his problem. That is clearly not a solution. 

Do I really have to pay to board my dog to accommodate people who live in my house for free? 

We can't really afford to tick off BIL & SIL because there is no money for an aide or a nursing home for MIL. DH & I would be the only ones paying those bills & it would mean we forfeit our own retirement. We don't have kids so there will be no one to care for us when we are old if we spend all our savings now.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> If you have read other threads I started you know something about my extended family / DH's family dynamic.
> 
> DH & I own a house in Florida. MIL lives in the house & has dementia. DH's brother & his wife moved in over Memorial Day weekend. They live rent free, pay 1/2 the utilities & "take care of" MIL. They have a cat & I'm highly allergic. I put 4 stipulations on them living there:
> 
> ...


Your house, your rules. You made it clear that they couldn't have the cat there during visits, so enforce your boundary. If not they will just keep pushing them.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

It’s your house, so you’re in charge. At the minimum, they should pay for boarding your dog. But they agreed to remove the cat when you visited and that’s the only option if I was in your shoes


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> If you have read other threads I started you know something about my extended family / DH's family dynamic.
> 
> DH & I own a house in Florida. MIL lives in the house & has dementia. DH's brother & his wife moved in over Memorial Day weekend. They live rent free, pay 1/2 the utilities & "take care of" MIL. They have a cat & I'm highly allergic. I put 4 stipulations on them living there:
> 
> ...


I think you tell them they have to keep their cat and their bedroom while you're there and you let that be their problem and their responsibility. So if they let the cat out or they let the mother-in-law let the cat out and don't monitor it correctly and something happens, it will be their fault not your fault. The cat knows how to hide from the dog. 

Then you make sure you get the dog plenty of exercise while it's there so it doesn't have a bunch of excess energy. If you think it would do any good you can hang a handwritten sign on the door saying do not open the door for your mother-in-law. 

But I think you just put it all on their shoulders to keep the cat in since that was an agreement. They can bring the litter box and it's food in there. If you take responsibility for keeping the animals apart then it will be your fault if something happens so just turn that responsibility over to them. If she just says she doesn't want to lock the cat up in there then she's the one making that decision.

I think you can be responsible to be sure your dog doesn't stand pawing
at the door. If you all leave the house together, then you probably should create your dog in your bedroom since you won't be there to monitor anything. Anytime you have a cat they need to have something tall to crawl up on so if there's not something like that in the house, it kind of needs a cat tree. 

I hope they are kind enough to run the sweeper for you before you get there.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Cat has to go. Period.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Kind of off topic. Once a person becomes a certain level Medicaid kicks in and pays for a nursing home.

While I think you should make them stick to the boarding agreement, it might be hard right now in Florida to find that. 

Also they aren’t really living rent free. Taking care of a elderly person in cheap assisted living in Florida casts about 3k a month. If they have higher needs then it costs more. A nursing home is 14k.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why cant her mother care for the cat while you are there? I would stick to what you have said and demand that the cat goes elsewhere for that period of time. No negotiation.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Why cant her mother care for the cat while you are there? I would stick to what you have said and demand that the cat goes elsewhere for that period of time. No negotiation.


Because they are taking care of the mother. She lives there and is in a state that she needs help. 

Don’t know how bad mom is but she doesn’t sound to be able to take care of a cat.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> Because they are taking care of the mother. She lives there and is in a state that she needs help.
> 
> Don’t know how bad mom is but she doesn’t sound to be able to take care of a cat.


Her mum lives 5 miles away. Its his mum they are looking after.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> Because they are taking care of the mother. She lives there and is in a state that she needs help.
> 
> Don’t know how bad mom is but she doesn’t sound to be able to take care of a cat.


SIL's mother, NOT the one who needs care, lives close by.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Kind of off topic. Once a person becomes a certain level Medicaid kicks in and pays for a nursing home.
> * * *
> Also they aren’t really living rent free. Taking care of a elderly person in cheap assisted living in Florida casts about 3k a month. If they have higher needs then it costs more. A nursing home is 14k.


We applied for Medicaid in February but the State of Florida has not made a decision. There is a case pending before the US Supreme Court to be argued later this month that puts all Medicaid funding in jeopardy: _Health and Hospital Corp of Marion County, Indiana v. Talevski _ There is no way Florida is going to add anybody to the rolls until that case is decided. 

If we didn't own this house, I truly believe all of 'em would be homeless at this point. 

When they asked to move in -- after saying for years that they would not take care of MIL -- my biggest concern was the cat / dog thing. I'm furious at SIL for going back on her word. 

@DownByTheRiver -- absent an actual external lock on the door, I don't think locking the cat up in their bedroom is going to work. The consequence of any problem would be fatal for the cat & I don't want that. The only way I see the dog not constantly being at the bedroom door is if we keep her leashed in the house. She's never been crated so I don't see that working either plus it's another expense. 

At this point I'm ready to throw it back in my husband's lap & let him deal.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

D0nnivain said:


> We applied for Medicaid in February but the State of Florida has not made a decision. There is a case pending before the US Supreme Court to be argued later this month that puts all Medicaid funding in jeopardy: _Health and Hospital Corp of Marion County, Indiana v. Talevski _ There is no way Florida is going to add anybody to the rolls until that case is decided.
> 
> If we didn't own this house, I truly believe all of 'em would be homeless at this point.
> 
> ...


Yea. It's tough but it's what you told them up front. I think it's fair to expect them to keep to that. I will say though all of florida right now is having boarding shortages here and there due to the hurricane. We didn't get any of the storm but our vet is full because of people who fled the storm and their hotel doesn't allow pets so they are boarding them here.

I wish you luck. I allowed my MIL to move in about 10 years or so ago. I laid out about 8 things that were non negotiable. I think she didn't meet any of them. It's tough after they are moved in though.

I wish you luck.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I just don't want the cat to get hurt but I also don't want to leave the dog home.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> I just don't want the cat to get hurt but I also don't want to leave the dog home.


House have a garage? Maybe put the dog there. Or isolate the cat in a bedoom. Cats don't need a lot of room.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Both the dog & the cat are inside pets @SCDad01 It's a detached garage & that is where all the stray cats my MILs BF feeds hang out. 

If we lock the cat in the bedroom, the dog will cry at the door & my MIL who has dementia will open the door to let the dog in because she's crying. If I thought the cat could stay secured, I'd try that but can't trust MIL. Not her fault; she's sick but it's not a solution.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> Both the dog & the cat are inside pets @SCDad01 It's a detached garage & that is where all the stray cats my MILs BF feeds hang out.
> 
> If we lock the cat in the bedroom, the dog will cry at the door & my MIL who has dementia will open the door to let the dog in because she's crying. If I thought the cat could stay secured, I'd try that but can't trust MIL. Not her fault; she's sick but it's not a solution.


Gotcha. It's easier to board a cat than a dog. Some cities have cat hotel boarding where the cat gets an entire room with toys, etc. Might want to see that's avail in your area.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

D0nnivain said:


> Both the dog & the cat are inside pets @SCDad01 It's a detached garage & that is where all the stray cats my MILs BF feeds hang out.
> 
> If we lock the cat in the bedroom, the dog will cry at the door & my MIL who has dementia will open the door to let the dog in because she's crying. If I thought the cat could stay secured, I'd try that but can't trust MIL. Not her fault; she's sick but it's not a solution.


If you are truly only worried about the cats safety then a large dog crate for the cat is also a solution. That's all the room they'd get at the vet. But either way. It should NOT be your responsibility. It is your house. You let them know this was going to happen. It's up to them to board their cat or find another acceptable solution.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> We applied for Medicaid in February but the State of Florida has not made a decision. There is a case pending before the US Supreme Court to be argued later this month that puts all Medicaid funding in jeopardy: _Health and Hospital Corp of Marion County, Indiana v. Talevski _ There is no way Florida is going to add anybody to the rolls until that case is decided.
> 
> If we didn't own this house, I truly believe all of 'em would be homeless at this point.
> 
> ...


I guess I'm lucky because my dog is afraid of cats.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Since these are people who probably have very little money I don't think they're going to spend any money boarding the cat and then D0nnivain would end up having to spend the money which isn't fair since they knew this was coming. 

And also what do you bet their cat hasn't had shots or anything and so no boarding place is going to take them without paperwork showing they've been vaccinated and spayed. 

It shouldn't be up to you to police the cat. It should be up to them to police the cat and the mother-in-law from letting the cat out. The more concerned you showed them about this the more they realize they can take advantage of you and make you be responsible for everything that they in fact should be responsible for so I would just start acting like I don't care. I think if I were you I would be more concerned about them letting the dog out side to get run over on the highway than I would be the cat getting out inside the house


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Leave the cat outside for the few days you are there. Cats can live outside. Just make sure you have food and water. I hope they didn’t declaw the cat.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I agree with @bobert: your house your rules. It would be terrible if your doggo killed their cat; have you mentioned to them that your dog has a rather high prey drive? I say that since it's your home that they're living in, they should be more than willing to accommodate your wishes within your home.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

D0nnivain said:


> We can't really afford to tick off BIL & SIL because there is no money for an aide or a nursing home for MIL.


Eh, tough decision but this right here kind of sums it up. If there wasn't the concern of finances attached I'd agree with most others views in that the cat has to go.

What kind of dog is it? I'm asking because you said it's an inside dog, I picture inside dogs as being amongst the smaller breeds.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

my dog would pick up the cat and take it out and leave it there


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

When you say they "take care" of MIL, what does that entail? Is it low level (at the moment) care and supervision, or high level care - ie one of them always has to be home to supervise, she needs a lot of assistance to make sure she eats/bathes/toilets in the right place etc.

If its the latter, they're more than earning their "free" rent. I wouldn't choose to die on this hill. I would board the dog at home, especially if you're only going for a couple of days, or I'd put up with keeping the dog leashed in the house while you're there. Don't get me wrong, they should really be more concerned for the cat, I would be, but this isn't the hill to die on.

If it's only light care MIL needs, and doesn't impact their lives too much in that they can come and go freely and just generally oversee that she's eating, bathing etc. (but that she can do those things herself) that's a whole different thing.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

@frusdil 

MIL cannot be left alone. They are "earning" their keep. 

I'm going to go with the majority & try to keep the dog contained & the cat locked up in the bedroom. We'll see how that goes. All in al I think it will ruin everyone's week.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frusdil said:


> When you say they "take care" of MIL, what does that entail? Is it low level (at the moment) care and supervision, or high level care - ie one of them always has to be home to supervise, she needs a lot of assistance to make sure she eats/bathes/toilets in the right place etc.
> 
> If its the latter, they're more than earning their "free" rent. I wouldn't choose to die on this hill. I would board the dog at home, especially if you're only going for a couple of days, or I'd put up with keeping the dog leashed in the house while you're there. Don't get me wrong, they should really be more concerned for the cat, I would be, but this isn't the hill to die on.
> 
> If it's only light care MIL needs, and doesn't impact their lives too much in that they can come and go freely and just generally oversee that she's eating, bathing etc. (but that she can do those things herself) that's a whole different thing.


Cat still has to go.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Could they put the cat in a room that you won’t be going in? I agree that they should follow your rules but this might be a happy medium.

Edit - I just scrolled up and saw your post. lol Hope it works out!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Putting a outside lock high up on whatever room they would want to leave the cat in would probably prevent the mother-in-law from getting in there because she probably wouldn't even notice the lock way up high or be able to reach it unless she happens to be tall.

For a working knob block with a key that the mil doesn't have.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Putting a outside lock high up on whatever room they would want to leave the cat in would probably prevent the mother-in-law from getting in there because she probably wouldn't even notice the lock way up high or be able to reach it unless she happens to be tall.
> 
> For a working knob block with a key that the mil doesn't have.


I dunno, take the cat on a trip to the vet, terrible accidental medication mishap......
Best all around. 

Or, hey the cat got out, got accidentally run over...just be sure and remove the duct tape....


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

UPDATE: 

Fortunately the dog is kind of dumb. She didn't seem to know there was a cat in the house until my dopey brother in law brought the cat out to meet the dog. The dog barked. Poor cat freaked. Scratched the s*** out of BIL's chest to get away. Cat went back in the room & hid all week. Cat was a bit miffed that he was cooped up but when he heard the dog he hid, behind closed doors. 

All in all thee was peace in the kingdom. The dog avoided the baby gate we put in front of the door so it all worked out.


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