# Husband wants an abortion



## Married4G (May 31, 2021)

My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have 3 daughters. He DESPERATELY wants a boy. I was happy with 3 kids and didn't have a desire for a 4th. But, knowing how much he wanted a boy, I got myself ready and willing for another baby. We discussed fertility treatments to do gender selection, but that was not something I was willing to do for many reasons. He suggested potentially getting pregnant, finding the gender out early and if it was a girl, have an abortion. I said that would never be an option for me. We had similar conversations for months and months and finally decided to get pregnant naturally and hope for a boy. I reminded him again abortion was not an option and our chances of a boy were 50/50. Well, we found out a month ago that we are pregnant... with a girl. He was devastated. So upset. But long story short, he has asked me to 'not have the baby' at least 4 times. He pretty much ignores me, so we aren't talking much, unless necessary. He is disappointed in me for not having an abortion and not looking further into or trying fertility treatments. He resents me, and says he will resent the baby. We are seeing a therapist, but have only gone twice at this point. To him, I am choosing the baby over him and choosing the baby over my family. I know I have done nothing wrong and I am doing the right thing, but I cant help but think... how far should a wife go for her husband? How much should a husband has of his wife? 

Has anyone been in this type of situation? I am trying to be patient and understanding of his feelings, but one can only take so much and my feelings matter too. 

Thank you.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I know of a few situations where the opposite happened, it was the women that kept trying for a particular sex when the husbands didn’t want anymore. I haven’t come across a situation like this where it was the male that wanted more children. 

From what I am reading, I am assuming your therapist knows everything you’ve told us, and that he is voicing all of this too. Very important and not recommended that either of you gloss over this in a professional setting, it’s a pretty serious situation. The Crisis has happened, now it needs to be dealt with.

Without judging your husband, and I am not supporting him at all - it is a good thing that he is voicing everything to you, and it appears you have worked with him sensibly all the way through, so communication has been very open - great start. However, you’re faced with a huge future that he has predicted ‘I am going to resent the baby and you’.

Given that an abortion is not an option and everything seemed planned, including what would happen if it was a girl, he has got to get it together. So everyone in your medical team needs to be aware, and if they haven’t suggested it, I would hope that both of you are there for every single appt and session, even outside counselling. That way they see you both interacting and can better understand if there are concerns for the baby or either parent.

Are there any concerns for his mental state at all? I can’t read beyond what little is provided, but is there a desperation at all attached to how seriously he is insisting on this abortion?

The whole situation from his end borders a little on the irrational, but it may be nothing other than me making assumptions.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

And could you please clarify above what you mean by not interested in fertility treatments if you are already pregnant?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

He would be my ex husband before he could blink. That would have happened the moment he suggested trying for a bub and if it was the "wrong" gender then we abort. Omfg. 
What happens if you try 5 times and they're all girls, have 5 abortions?

I could never look at him again.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Your H knew the deal that you agreed upon when you entered this fertilization attempt. The daughter possibility was at least 50/50.

From your lead: "*Husband wants an abortion*". My advice: *He should get one then*.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Edited


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It isn't your fault your husband's sperm only carries the x. Nor is it the baby's. Put any blame where it belongs. 

It isn't reasonable for him to demand you have an abortion. He knew full well what the odds were. I'd tell him he can give the child a boy's name if that will make him feel better. A friend's dad named one of his many daughters Larry - that was the closest he got to the son he wanted.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My father very much wanted a son and never got one since my mother couldn’t have more children after I was born. I‘m probably a better shot than I would have been if he had had a son to shoot with — and he taught me some non-girly stuff — so I’d say he managed to survive his trauma just fine.

Maybe next your husband will suggest giving this one up for adoption and trying again. Too bad for him that he didn’t realize hope isn’t a guaranteed plan. Tell him he’ll have to wait for grandchildren. He might get lucky one day.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

We hoped the fourth would be a boy, but we were blessed with another healthy daughter. It just wasn't meant to be, I guess.

Is your husband really content to just keep killing unborn babies until he gets the kind he wants? And, putting you through all that until he gets his way? Seriously?

I know some people say it's not a baby, blah blah blah, but you know she is. You even know she's a girl. I don't think I could stay married to him, and I certainly wouldn't get rid of a child for him. Let him be resentful elsewhere.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frusdil said:


> He would be my ex husband before he could blink. That would have happened the moment he suggested trying for a bub and if it was the "wrong" gender then we abort. Omfg.
> What happens if you try 5 times and they're all girls, have 5 abortions?
> 
> I could never look at him again.


Agreed, and OP, you need to realise that if he doesnt change his stance this could well lead to the marriage ending. I just cant imagine what that dear little girl would have to go through if he always resents her, brings up the fact that he didnt want her and wanted a boy, she would be forever emotionally damaged. Just imagine if she found out that he had wanted to kill her??? The other children would also notice it, and feel their dads rejection of their sister and probably themsleves for being girls. 
Just the fact that he is pressuring you to kill the child would be enough for me not to want to be with him any more. I wish he could be thankful for the healthy children he has, so many cant have children or have chldren with many health issues. 
Even if you did have an abortion it would severely damage the way you see him, you may well end up being very resentful and filled with guilt for what you let him pressure you to do. 

Honestly unless he has a complete change of heart, if you put those children first you may have to accept what he is and end the marriage.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

frusdil said:


> He would be my ex husband before he could blink. That would have happened the moment he suggested trying for a bub and if it was the "wrong" gender then we abort. Omfg.
> What happens if you try 5 times and they're all girls, have 5 abortions?
> 
> I could never look at him again.


Yup, this here. I'd also kick him so effing hard out of the house that I'd knock him into the middle of next week. I agree with this for 2 reasons: he's a huge jackass for even suggesting this, and should be so lucky to have fathered children. Some of us aren't so lucky, and cannot have a family at all. And the second reason, if there is any desperation associated with his wanting you to get an abortion, and will seriously dislike the baby once she's born, as the mother, I would be scared to have him around her at all. If he's mentally unstable, he could do harm to this child, and seriously injure her, impair her abilities or worse, kill her. I would get my ass out of the house, with ALL of my children in tow, and he wouldn't be allowed access to the newest addition until she were old enough to fully defend herself (i.e., a fully grown adult, who was preferrably well-versed in some sort of self defense and could kick her "father's" ass).

ETA: I'm sorry for the bluntness and swearing; this situation struck a nerve and OP's husband has really ticked me off.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Openminded said:


> My father very much wanted a son and never got one since my mother couldn’t have more children after I was born. I‘m probably a better shot than I would have been if he had had a son to shoot with — and he taught me some non-girly stuff — so I’d say he managed to survive his trauma just fine.
> 
> *Maybe next your husband will suggest giving this one up for adoption and trying again.* Too bad for him that he didn’t realize hope isn’t a guaranteed plan. Tell him he’ll have to wait for grandchildren. He might get lucky one day.


If he does suggest putting your baby girl up for adoption and trying again, just don't. Imagine what she'll feel when she finds you guys in years to come, and asks why she was given up for adoption, and you guys tell her, "because you were born a girl and your dad wanted a boy".


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Openminded said:


> My father very much wanted a son and never got one since my mother couldn’t have more children after I was born. I‘m probably a better shot than I would have been if he had had a son to shoot with — and he taught me some non-girly stuff — so I’d say he managed to survive his trauma just fine.
> 
> Maybe next your husband will suggest giving this one up for adoption and trying again. Too bad for him that he didn’t realize hope isn’t a guaranteed plan. Tell him he’ll have to wait for grandchildren. He might get lucky one day.


A young lady I know was a second daughter and her dad really wanted a son. It has badly affected her sadly.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> A young lady I know was a second daughter and her dad really wanted a son. It has badly affected her sadly.


Yes, unfortunately I’ve heard quite a few similar stories. I was very fortunate with my situation but many aren’t.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Nothing worse than a pathetic guy getting upset at his own shortcomings. FYI: males are the one that carry the Y chromosome for a boy to be created. 

It's his own damned fault, that he couldn't give you the right carrying sperm.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I am so sorry. But honestly, I think your only approach is to begin to prepare to be a single parent. I can sympathize with wanting a specific gender, but I can’t sympathize with anyone who would resent someone for their gender. And given that you made it clear that abortion was not an option, him even asking is reprehensible.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If it’s the wrong gender it gets aborted? Wow....... I don’t even know what to say. 
There are good examples, poor examples and there are horrible examples of men. Your husband is one of the poorest specimens I’ve heard of, definitely far, far to the wrong side of the spectrum. Keep the kid and ditch the toad.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

This is the most awful thing I’ve ever heard and my heart breaks for that unborn baby girl. Is it just a complete lack of faith that makes a man think like that? God blessed him with new life but he wants to cast it out to have his way? I’m sure there’s a deep place in hell for guys like this that persist in unbelief, selfishness and ignorance.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

So why did you agree to have another child with him? Yes, your husband is an immature ass but you are at fault as well. You either shouldn't have decided to have another child, or you should have agreed to IVF and gender selection. 

You agreed to have another child with the guy who wanted you to abort based on genitalia, and now you expect a different result? You made your choice, now you get to live with the consequences. Including what that does to your family and that little girl.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Your husband is an @$$!!!

Having a baby is a huge blessing. 

I can certainly understand the desire to have a boy (after having three daughters). However at the end of the day ALL that really matters is (and what one prays for) is that both the baby and the mother come through everything fine. Praying that the baby is healthy.

Not your jack @$$ husband. He wants to abort the baby??

I sure hope you don't give in to this selfish p^&ck!! He's shown his true colors.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

1. Your husband wants you to destroy your baby that you conceived together
2. that you don’t want to destroy
3. for his convenience/gender preference

Your husband is a piece of ****. I don’t know how to say it any plainer than that


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

How much would you resent _him_ if you destroyed that precious daughter growing inside you to meet his demands?


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