# Resources for Going Through Separation/Divorce and Rebuilding



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Hi, fellow TAMers!

I've gotten such great advice from all of you, both from responses to my individual threads, and from reading others' threads. Many of you post links to excellent resources, be they books, videos, articles, or other websites - but they are scattered ALL over the forum, and sometimes it's hard to find something someone else posted.

These resources are super important for someone who's going through a separation or divorce, because as helpful as we've all found TAM to be, the majority of the work, growth, and healing happens offline, individually.

So, I thought that we should have a RESOURCE thread where we can share materials and resources that have helped us to understand, learn, grow and heal, so that new and future TAMers can find them as well.

(Aside to the MODS, it would be AWESOME if we could make this a sticky thread!!!)

My only requests for posters to this thread are the following:

No hijacking/tangential comments or posts - think of this like a resource library, and your post/links is a new resource. Limiting posts only to relevant resources will also help other TAMers to navigate the thread.
When posting, include a link and why this is a good resource or how it helped you - this will allow other users to identify the resources that will be best for them.

Thanks, and I look forward to everyone's contributions!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Some of the books I've been reading and have found helpful are (the first 2 are pretty funny, not to mention quick reads, and laughing helps. They're a good place to start before moving onto more serious books.):

He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys: Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo: 9781416909774: Amazon.com: Books
(This one's more about dating than marriage, but it's still helpful and puts things into perspective. It's also quite esteem-boosting.)

It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy: Greg Behrendt, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt: 9780767921961: Amazon.com: Books
(Also more about dating break-ups than marital breaks, but still good.)

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship: Mira Kirshenbaum: 9780452275355: Amazon.com: Books
(This one is really good if your struggling with "I love him and I want to be with him, but he makes me unhappy." This one's a long one, and I'm not quite finished with it yet. It's pretty dense, and will require a lot of introspection.)

Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours: Daphne Rose Kingma: 9781573245470: Amazon.com: Books
(Great, GREAT book -- helps to understand why some relationships end and some continue on, and this applies to non-romantic relationships as well. Also requires a lot of introspection.)

Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So Well: Ashton Applewhite: Amazon.com: Books
(This is a great book to help you recognize that this is NOT the end; in fact, the future is much brighter than you realize. This is more of an academic/scholarly book, rather than a self-help book, but it has a lot of women's individual stories about ending their marriages, and how they're better off for it. I found it to be mostly inspirational; I didn't find much practical advice in it, but I enjoyed reading it. This is also a long, dense book, so I would suggest reading bits at a time interspersed with reading other books.)

Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal: Vikki Stark: 9780986472107: Amazon.com: Books
(While my husband wasn't technically a Runaway Husband, his behavior was very similar. I found that this book had a fair amount of practical advice, and REALLY helped me to understand why he did what he did, and helped me recognize that it wasn't my fault. I'm almost finished with this one - it's a quick read.)

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You: Susan J. Elliott JD MEd: 9780738213286: Amazon.com: Books
(I've only recently started this one, but I've heard good things about it. I bought it because I really do want to use this experience as a springboard to become the person that I've always wanted to be, and to really make a positive change in my life.)


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

*Articles:* Coping with Divorce/Stages of Emotional Divorce
(the titles of these articles should be pretty self-explanatory)

The Psychological Stages of Divorce
7 Steps To Overcome Your Divorce | This Emotional Life
Emotional Coping and Divorce - Divorce - Support Resources for Coping and Moving on After Divorce
Coping with a Breakup or Divorce: Moving on After a Relationship Ends <-- Very detailed article, great!

*Articles:* Narcissists
(My STBXH is a p/a narcissist. These articles helped me understand his behavior, see how it negatively impacted me and our relationship, and helped me to separate his behavior from my sense of self-worth.)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/em/76546 (The Narcissist's Dilemma: They Can Dish It Out, But . . .)
http://www.psychologytoday.com/em/1019 (Afraid to Rage: The Origins of Passive-Aggressive Behavior)
The Covert (Closet/Stealth) Narcissist - Malignant Self-Love/Covert Narcissism (Narcissistic Personality Disorder - NPD)


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Resources for dealing with a BPD wife, particularly in my case, a *BPD Waif*.

Abused Men: How Covert Abuse Begins, Part One | Shrink4Men

Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out

BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-world-the-borderline-mother-and-her-children

Borderline Waif | Borderline Personality Disorder


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

This should be a sticky. Starting reading now


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

ne9907, hope it helps! If you come across any good resources, please post them!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OK, I'm resurrecting my thread because I've got some more resources to add.

I see this one recommended a lot: Co-Dependent No More
When you want to break your habits of co-dependency. There's also a companion workbook. I haven't read this one yet, but it's on my to-read list at the moment.

The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed
I've realized that a lot of my issues in relationships stem from my anti-relationship with my mother growing up. I picked this up to start working through those, and I'm reading it right now. It's taking a little longer than I expecting, because it's pushing a lot of buttons... which is good, because I know it's doing the job. This book seems to be geared towards women, but I think male readers could benefit as well, if they had a weak/flawed relationship with their mother.

Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame
Shame runs rampant in American society specifically, and people use shame to try to control the actions of others, which can be very detrimental to one's emotional health. I'm still reading this one, but it has excellent reviews on Amazon, and I'm finding it helpful so far. It seems like a good companion to _the Emotionally Absent Mother_.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

What a great idea! Thanks for starting this. Looks like there are a lot of good books here which I haven't read yet. Time to go book shopping. 

I found that affirmations my therapist pointed me towards did zero for me, but a daily peek at Buzzfeed Animals was a huge morale booster. Silly but true.


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