# New here and need advice...



## endofstatusquo (Oct 13, 2011)

Hello!

After reading the forum for a while, I feel like I may be an oddity here. I am going to divorce my wife, but not because she (or me) is having an affair of any kind. I'm going to initiate a divorce because just about everything that makes a marriage a marriage is gone for us.

I'm approaching 50 years old and we've been married over 20 years, have three kids (college, high school and toddler--yes, toddler. Something to discuss another time). I'm working overseas as a civilian contractor in support of our military. And before you ask...no, there's not another woman over here. My apologies if the following seems non-emotional...but I've had years to think about all this and (other than the unrealistic idea that this can be done without hurting anyone) I'm mostly beyond the emotional side of it.

My wife isn't a bad woman...other than not having sex with me for years, she's essentially the same woman I married. She's gained some weight...but haven't we all? We argue a lot about stupid stuff...we have seriously divergent world-views...we have different work-ethics (I work, she doesn't--even though she has the education for a really good job)...and the physical environment at home is repugnant to me (and I'm a slob at heart!). She's not abusive (unless you count the no-sex thing) and is a good mother to our kids. In short, it's hard to find a serious reason to point to and say, "I just can't stand this any more". In my mind, the argument for moving on always comes down to "I want something better"...which seems like an extremely petty and selfish reason to think about ending a 20+ year marriage. Of course, there's also the toddler...who complicates the situation...the older two kids, not so much.

The best word I can come up with to describe my feelings about my marriage is indifference...and have been in "indecision limbo" for at least 4 years now. After going through the diagnostics in "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" and doing other individual MC work...I've decided to take the next step.

Some facts:

I'd like to get this started, but need to think out the order of things. Obviously, I'm out of the country...but I'll be home for a few weeks after the first of the year. I assume I could have all of this handled by an attorney (i.e. by remote control), but I really feel like I owe it to my wife to break the news to her directly...and hope to do a no-fault, mutually agreed divorce. 

I don't think she will be totally surprised (we've discussed the need for change and possibility of divorce several times in the last few years)...but the reality of it happening will probably be a shock. She will likely be very sad and angry at the news and afterward for a while...but will likely be ok once she realizes it's the new reality. 

I had thought about writing her a personal, handwritten letter...breaking the news before proceeding with filing, etc when I'm home...but also I'd like some advice on steps (financial, etc.) to take before taking this route.

I hope this has made sense...sure seems like a long way to ask for help. This is a serious proceeding though...and I'd like lots of input before deciding on just what process or direction to take with this.


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

Face to face. If you can't do that...it's because you've lost yours.


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## endofstatusquo (Oct 13, 2011)

Tommo:

That's my feeling as well. I think I owe her that much. The other idea was just that, another idea.

Thanks


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

i'm smack dab in the middle of this sort of thing. Not to my liking but it's got to be...


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