# Need some opinions, complicated story



## needopinions (May 24, 2014)

Hi all, I'd really appreciate some opinions on my current issue. There's going to be quite a long backstory, so this post may be kinda long.

There are 2 girls, A and B. We were all the in same clique in school and hung out with each other rather frequently.

A few years ago, I met this girl - let's call her A. I got along really well with her, to the extent that her sister even hinted that I would be her future BF. I tried asking her for a date once, but she rejected me. I never asked her why, and we ceased our frequent contact with one another since then.

Shortly after, I entered a relationship with B for a few years. I entered a relationship with her because I wanted to believe that love can be a choice. In the end, B broke up with me. The reason was she felt I didn't like her as much as I liked A.

I took a few months to get over the breakup and coincidentally, I ran into A and we started messaging a bit and caught up over lunch once. It was then I finally admitted to myself that B was right all along, and I really liked A much more than I liked B.
I did some further reflection, and I really feel that I need to do 2 things now, but would like some opinions the 2 things.

1. Meet up with B in person to apologise and tell her the truth.
2. Ask A why she rejected me.

Thanks for reading, any opinions will be greatly appreciated. Do let me know if more details are required.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

1. Is that apology going to help B in her life or relationships in any way, or just be confirming something that would be hurtful to hear, despite the fact she already knows it to be true?

2. Certainly you could ask A that, be prepared for the 'friend zone' speech.

Add in:

3. You should read, "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix which gives insight into what drives attraction and love.


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## needopinions (May 24, 2014)

breeze said:


> 1. Is that apology going to help B in her life or relationships in any way, or just be confirming something that would be hurtful to hear, despite the fact she already knows it to be true?
> 
> 2. Certainly you could ask A that, be prepared for the 'friend zone' speech.
> 
> ...


1. I am not sure if the apology would help B, but the main point of it is probably to allow me finally admit the truth out loud somehow. I guess it's really more for my own peace of mind than hers.

2. I've already been rejected once, so I honestly feel it can't get any worse.
I am still in a dilemma though, wavering between asking her why and waiting it out to see if there's potentially any interest from her.

3. Thanks, I'll be sure to take a look.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I wouldn't have either conversation. Let it go. Either A is interested or she's not. And B has moved on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you?


needopinions said:


> 1. I am not sure if the apology would help B, but the main point of it is probably to allow me finally admit the truth out loud somehow. I guess it's really more for my own peace of mind than hers.


Do not have this kind of conversation with B. Your purpose of doing it would be use her to make yourself feel better. That’s not a nice thing to do. It would only make her feel bad.. she would probably feel emotionally attacked by you. 

If you want to hear the truth stated out loud, stand in front of a mirror and tell it to yourself.

The truth is, while you might be attracted to A, you do not know her. You have no idea if you really would like her better than B once you got to know her better. 



needopinions said:


> 2. I've already been rejected once, so I honestly feel it can't get any worse.
> 
> I am still in a dilemma though, wavering between asking her why and waiting it out to see if there's potentially any interest from her.


If you are interested in her, then ask her.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

needopinions said:


> 1. I am not sure if the apology would help B, but the main point of it is probably to allow me finally admit the truth out loud somehow. I guess it's really more for my own peace of mind than hers.
> 
> 2. I've already been rejected once, so I honestly feel it can't get any worse.
> I am still in a dilemma though, wavering between asking her why and waiting it out to see if there's potentially any interest from her.
> ...


Your response to point one screams *selfishness*. I think you should really reflect on this.

Even though you've been through rejection from Miss A already, it'll still hurt the second time around, but sitting there hoping for a relationship that might never eventuate is just a waste of time. I think you should get it over and done with, ask her, hear the speech about, 'you were a good friend but I just didn't feel that way about you, sorry' and then you can move on.


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## needopinions (May 24, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How old are you?


I'm 20++ but I feel like I'm just a kid in handling such issues.


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## needopinions (May 24, 2014)

breeze said:


> Your response to point one screams *selfishness*. I think you should really reflect on this.
> 
> Even though you've been through rejection from Miss A already, it'll still hurt the second time around, but sitting there hoping for a relationship that might never eventuate is just a waste of time. I think you should get it over and done with, ask her, hear the speech about, 'you were a good friend but I just didn't feel that way about you, sorry' and then you can move on.


Somehow I just feel that I owe her the truth at least, my moral compass must be flawed. Can I safely assume that telling B the truth would do her no good at all?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

needopinions said:


> 1. I am not sure if the apology would help B, but the main point of it is probably to allow me finally admit the truth out loud somehow. I guess it's really more for my own peace of mind than hers.


As others have already said - *DON'T DO THIS.* It just isn't a nice thing to do and will be taken as a back-handed apology. Also, you're just unloading the burden of pain she already felt - hence broke up with you onto her just so you can feel better. She doesn't deserve that. If you need to tell someone how much you liked A, well, tell us, a friend or a counselor. 

I'm not saying that it is, but could it also be you want to tell B this because she dumped you, it hurt and it's just a nice little jab to get back at her for being the one to initiate the break up? _"I'm sorry, you were right all along, I do think A is hotter and more charming than you are after all. Boy do I feel better! Thanks for listening."_ ...or something like it. How would you feel if an ex told you this? 



needopinions said:


> 2. I've already been rejected once, so I honestly feel it can't get any worse.
> I am still in a dilemma though, wavering between asking her why and waiting it out to see if there's potentially any interest from her.


I'm not saying that it can't get better. I've personally dated one guy that I was friends with first (and not remotely attracted to) but developed sexual attraction for... but that's rare. More often those one-sided platonic friendships died a natural death on their own.

So it certainly _can_ and does get worse. You've been friend-zoned by A. Women are often nice, playful, sweet and even a bit flirty as friends... so every once in a while, she might do something that means nothing to her but makes you feel some hope. Add to that, we also want what we can't have. So you can potentially waste years of your life chasing a woman that doesn't want to be with you because of your attraction to her, and reading too much into things that may mean she likes you back.

I'm not sure that asking her why she isn't into you is a wise idea. The times I've been asked that by guys only pushed me further away. But that's just me, YMMV. 

For me, the real answer was _BECAUSE_. I just didn't and couldn't explain it and when asked, felt put on the spot and like he was being needy. No matter what I said to try to answer this question, it was to try to quell his curiosity or let him down easily. That is, until I learned to be more assertive and straight to the point about things. Again, your mileage may vary.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

needopinions said:


> Somehow I just feel that I owe her the truth at least, my moral compass must be flawed. *Can I safely assume that telling B the truth would do her no good at all?*


YES.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

There are 24 letters in the alphabet besides A and B. Time to move on to someone else. Your obsession with A has already cost you one relationship. 

You can let A know you are single again and still interested in her, but that's as far as you should go. Listen to the others here. Don't start conversations that are only interesting to you. All you are going to do is turn women off.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I suggest you move on completely and begin looking for A+.


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## needopinions (May 24, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> I'm not saying that it is, but could it also be you want to tell B this because she dumped you, it hurt and it's just a nice little jab to get back at her for being the one to initiate the break up? _"I'm sorry, you were right all along, I do think A is hotter and more charming than you are after all. Boy do I feel better! Thanks for listening."_ ...or something like it. How would you feel if an ex told you this?


Thanks a lot for this, I should have considered it from her point of view. It shouldn't be all just about me. Honestly, I have no intention to hurt B anymore than I already have.


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## needopinions (May 24, 2014)

So far the general consensus has been to move on completely. This probably wasn't conveyed clearly in the first post, but I did try to, after A rejected me.

I really really liked A, even now.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

OK, I hate to be so candid about this, but you're exhibiting some signs of an immature thought process, which is why someone asked how old you are. 

Your option 1, to tell B, is completely self serving and will do nothing but hurt B more. B will look at you as an a$$ for making her go through that even AFTER you broke up. A break up is a BREAK UP. It's done. If you care at all about her, leave her alone and let her move on without you stomping back into her life for your own reasons. 

Your option 2 (asking A why she rejected you) makes no sense. What for? It's done. If she's into you, you'll know it. She rejected you before, what makes you think she won't do it again? Are you prepared for that? 

Why are you dragging all of this out instead of moving on with your life??


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## needopinions (May 24, 2014)

Love2326 said:


> OK, I hate to be so candid about this, but you're exhibiting some signs of an immature thought process, which is why someone asked how old you are.
> 
> Your option 1, to tell B, is completely self serving and will do nothing but hurt B more. B will look at you as an a$$ for making her go through that even AFTER you broke up. A break up is a BREAK UP. It's done. If you care at all about her, leave her alone and let her move on without you stomping back into her life for your own reasons.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I really appreciate the honest feedback. Please be as candid(blunt) as possible.


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## needopinions (May 24, 2014)

Thanks for all the responses everyone and putting up with my immaturity.

I'll forget about pursuing both options and focus on other aspects of my life instead.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

excellent choice. You will get better at this with time!


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## needopinions (May 24, 2014)

Is there a best way I can express to A I'm still interested in her, without sounding too off putting? Or should I just give up on it.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I think you should just move on. You‘ve already expressed interest in her by asking her out previously and it‘s safe to say she knows you like her. 

Once you express interest, people tend to assume you‘re interested at least until further notice. You liked her, she didn‘t feel the same for whatever reasons. It just happens. 

Go out, do other things. Eventually you will find someone that you like as much as A and that actually likes you back romantically. The bottom line is that a woman that wants to be with you will be with you if you want her to... they wouldn‘t reject or friend~zone you because they wouldn‘t want to chance having you slip away. A is just not that woman - for you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I say do neither. It makes you look like an insecure drama queen.


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