# Wish it worked the same for girls as it does for guys



## Pixi (Mar 7, 2014)

I have to tell you, that I wish our vagina could just shrink up and close so they couldn't have sex with us if we weren't aroused and/or enjoying the sex like their penis just shrinks up and doesn't work when everything isn't just right for them! 

But, no... we are expected to let them use KY and poke us with their penis even when we are bone dry because they aren't arousing us enough to produce our own lubrication. AND, if we don't want to have sex with our husbands because we know that the only thing we will get out of the ordeal is sloppy and unsatisfied then they have to find some way to push that back on us being "low drive" or jump to a conclusion that we must have some trauma from our past that makes us not want sex.

If we could become PHYSICALLY UNABLE to be poked by a penis when they weren't arousing us enough, or we were not getting an orgasm by having our hole just close up like their penis will just go limp... I have to wonder if it wouldn't FORCE them to own the responsibility for their woman's satisfaction.

Women get blamed for not making their men feel wanted and desired and causing ED, but why would we want or desire to be subjected to being poked repeatedly by a penis if it is not doing anything for us other than make us sloppy?????

Okay, rant over.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

First off, hilarious insight.:smthumbup:

I think it would be wonderful if men were forced by physiology, to arouse their women to have intercourse.

I guess the way it is however, makes communication that much more important. 

I think your points are very valid and I think if a husband is behaving like an idiot in bed, then blaming his wife for it, the wife needs validation for her feelings so she feels empowered enough to confront and communicate.

There are items a woman could use on her husband to "force" an erection. But turning the tables would not satisfy most women, I think.
Most women want to be heard and understood, they don't want to inflict the same hardship they have received back on their husbands.

Fun post. Rant away.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I can't relate because the only time I don't want to is when I'm exhausted and just want to sleep, but I love the rant!


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Ha! I was just thinking this last week!!!

If he loses his erection or doesn't get one at all (he's fine medically and he has no problem getting one to porn) I'm supposed to understand.

If I can't get wet, he grabs the lube and goes to town. Then, he wonders why I didn't orgasm. Seriously?! 

I have to come up with ways to keep him interested like toys, dressing up, new positions, watching porn with him, I give him nights where it's just for HIS pleasure (I get nada those nights, he's never done that for me!) and he still told me just two nights ago that he's BORED! WTF?! So, what am I supposed to do, not have sex for a while? Well, if I do that then he will go somewhere else to get it or I will be blamed as being a LD spouse. blah blah blah.

I wish I could put my vagina in a safe and lock it up for a while. Maybe he would find it interesting again after a while.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Guys that are selfish and insistent as described above are immature and don't understand what marriage is about. Its' that simple.
Why do women marry such?

Be careful though of the latent "looking for excuses not to have sex".


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

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Pixi said:


> I have to tell you, that I wish our vagina could just shrink up and close so they couldn't have sex with us if we weren't aroused and/or enjoying the sex like their penis just shrinks up and doesn't work when everything isn't just right for them!
> 
> But, no... we are expected to let them use KY and poke us with their penis even when we are bone dry because they aren't arousing us enough to produce our own lubrication. AND, if we don't want to have sex with our husbands because we know that the only thing we will get out of the ordeal is sloppy and unsatisfied then they have to find some way to push that back on us being "low drive" or jump to a conclusion that we must have some trauma from our past that makes us not want sex.
> 
> ...


Please don't take this wrong, but I wished women would clearly tell us they didn't want sex. And if they don't want to be with us anymore they would clearly tell us. If they just want to stay because of guilt, for the kids, or the financial aspect, they would just say so and us men could decide if we want to live this way or not.
And if it's just because we are not doing something correctly, women should tell us clearly what we are doing wrong or make suggestions.


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## Pixi (Mar 7, 2014)

Oh... it isn't that I don't want to have an orgasm or that I wouldn't like to have physical affection just about every day. To me "LD" means low drive. My drive isn't low. It is probably too high if anything just because I never get satisfaction. Sure, I masturbate with my vibrator and get quick easy orgasms, but that is really comparable to eating gruel every day. Yes, it will sustain you, but you are always hungry for a steak and some potatoes!

I hear ya staarz21 about nights where it is all about him where I will edge him or give him bj's for God only knows how long while he sits at the computer and watches porn... but God forbid I would want him to just go down on me while I read a raunchy romance novel. It wouldn't happen!

Sigh.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Pixi said:


> Oh... it isn't that I don't want to have an orgasm or that I wouldn't like to have physical affection just about every day. To me "LD" means low drive. My drive isn't low. It is probably too high if anything just because I never get satisfaction. Sure, I masturbate with my vibrator and get quick easy orgasms, but that is really comparable to eating gruel every day. Yes, it will sustain you, but you are always hungry for a steak and some potatoes!
> 
> I hear ya staarz21 about nights where it is all about him where I will edge him or give him bj's for God only knows how long while he sits at the computer and watches porn... but God forbid I would want him to just go down on me while I read a raunchy romance novel. It wouldn't happen!
> 
> Sigh.


Now that is different. Don't encourage his bad behavior. You need to set boundaries and enforce them. There is no way my wife would give me a BJ While I sat and watched porn.

You need to tell him how you feel and until things change you don't want to make love to him in any form or fashion.
You deserve better than this.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Pixi said:


> Oh... it isn't that I don't want to have an orgasm or that I wouldn't like to have physical affection just about every day. To me "LD" means low drive. My drive isn't low. It is probably too high if anything just because I never get satisfaction. Sure, I masturbate with my vibrator and get quick easy orgasms, but that is really comparable to eating gruel every day. Yes, it will sustain you, but you are always hungry for a steak and some potatoes!
> 
> I hear ya staarz21 about nights where it is all about him where I will edge him or give him bj's for God only knows how long while he sits at the computer and watches porn... but God forbid I would want him to just go down on me while I read a raunchy romance novel. It wouldn't happen!
> 
> Sigh.


I would love for My wife to tell me what she would like me to do in bed. Things she likes things she doesn't like. I have to try and guess, and from her reactions I choose wrong on many occasions. Best wishes. I truly hope things work out, because an unfulfilled sex life is a bummer. Believe me I know.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Pixi said:


> Oh... it isn't that I don't want to have an orgasm or that I wouldn't like to have physical affection just about every day. To me "LD" means low drive. My drive isn't low. It is probably too high if anything just because I never get satisfaction. Sure, I masturbate with my vibrator and get quick easy orgasms, but that is really comparable to eating gruel every day. Yes, it will sustain you, but you are always hungry for a steak and some potatoes!
> 
> I hear ya staarz21 about nights where it is all about him where I will edge him or give him bj's for God only knows how long while he sits at the computer and watches porn... but God forbid I would want him to just go down on me while I read a raunchy romance novel. It wouldn't happen!
> 
> Sigh.



I can't understand this. I love it when I 'hit the spot' and her arse starts jerking up and down. Such a rush!

Read a romance novel while down there? Really?

Would. Not. Happen.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Here's my rant: I think every guy that wants anal sex should be willing to have a toy about the size of his penis shoved into his anus repeatedly. If he's willing then he's worthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pixi (Mar 7, 2014)

I tried that Thound. We went a very long time without sex (or bj's or handjobs or anything) while I was crystal clear that I didn't want to have sex if I wasn't getting orgasms from it. He was very clear that he didn't want to have sex if it felt like he was being instructed on how to do it. 

He took to relieving himself with his porn and I took to hiding and using my vibrator for satisfaction (which for me was no different than I had always had to do if I wanted orgasms). 

But I got accused CONSTANTLY of having an affair even though I was NOT and threatened often that he would have a revenge affair just to get physical contact. 

Because if I am not giving him affections, regardless of my own needs being unfulfilled, then our marriage is "in shambles". Our marriage has been in some bad places with his unemployment, health problems, and mental issues/anxiety... but if he is getting a bj to porn three times a week from me then the world is a beautiful place.

AND... if I don't make it seem like it is the hottest thing I have ever done, then he starts going limp and it is my fault for not making him feel desirable. 

And before someone tells me to leave him, I can't. Kids with health issues I couldn't handle alone, not being in a place where I earn enough money (even with child support) to afford to house, feed and shelter myself and my kids without him, and having family obligations for the care of my elderly parents that I could not do as a single full time working mother of two chronically ill kids.

At least I am doing what all the men on here seem to want to their women to do. I shut up and put out.:lol:


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Pixi said:


> If we could become PHYSICALLY UNABLE to be poked by a penis when they weren't arousing us enough, or we were not getting an orgasm by having our hole just close up like their penis will just go limp... I have to wonder if it wouldn't FORCE them to own the responsibility for their woman's satisfaction.
> 
> Women get blamed for not making their men feel wanted and desired and causing ED, but why would we want or desire to be subjected to being poked repeatedly by a penis if it is not doing anything for us other than make us sloppy?????
> 
> Okay, rant over.


:iagree:

This is very insightful. It would be great if it were like this for me because then I would get feedback on her enjoyment. My wife is the silent type who doesn't give any indication of her excitement level. She doesn't feel comfortable letting go, moaning or commenting on what feels good. In fact she finds it a turn off to discuss it at all. She wants her man to intuitively know what pleases her but it's very difficult to learn with little feedback. I worked years learning the subtle signs that she is excited and even then it's not consistent. I would really like to know how excited she is or isn't as you described. It would be great to be able do what she does to me when I go soft and bring her back in the same way. 

Not knowing how she's feeling at the moment built up a lot of performance anxiety and insecurity. I learned the hard way that that was more of a turn off to her than not seeming to be concerned. So now adays I concentrate on the assumption that what I am doing is what she wants and don't worry about it. It sounds contradictory but it really seems to work for her. Go figure.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm sure a lot of guys wish their women worked (sexually) the same way they do as well. Flash their penis, wife is ready for sex. Winning!

As far as your issue goes... I personally have never pressed for sex if my partner said no. I'd rather not have sex with someone who isn't into it. 

C


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry pixi. 

Your H sounds like a selfish jerk in bed.

Hope you can figure out a way to get through to him. 

You shouldn't have to put up with this.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Pixi said:


> I tried that Thound. We went a very long time without sex (or bj's or handjobs or anything) while I was crystal clear that I didn't want to have sex if I wasn't getting orgasms from it. He was very clear that he didn't want to have sex if it felt like he was being instructed on how to do it.


I fully sympathize with this. You need to get something out of it and he needs to realize that he can stand to learn from his wife.




Pixi said:


> At least I am doing what all the men on here seem to want to their women to do. I shut up and put out.:lol:


This is duty sex and most men here don't like it and can tell the difference. I feel sorry for you that this is satisfactory to him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Funny...in 41 years I have never said no.


You are both quite horny.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Pixie my heart breaks for you. I wished I had some magical advice for you, but alas I don't.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

meson said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This is very insightful. It would be great if it were like this for me because then I would get feedback on her enjoyment. My wife is the silent type who doesn't give any indication of her excitement level. She doesn't feel comfortable letting go, moaning or commenting on what feels good. In fact she finds it a turn off to discuss it at all. She wants her man to intuitively know what pleases her but it's very difficult to learn with little feedback. I worked years learning the subtle signs that she is excited and even then it's not consistent. I would really like to know how excited she is or isn't as you described. It would be great to be able do what she does to me when I go soft and bring her back in the same way.
> 
> Not knowing how she's feeling at the moment built up a lot of performance anxiety and insecurity. I learned the hard way that that was more of a turn off to her than not seeming to be concerned. So now adays I concentrate on the assumption that what I am doing is what she wants and don't worry about it. It sounds contradictory but it really seems to work for her. Go figure.


Uh oh. It appears we are married to the same woman.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Funny...in 41 years I have never said no.


My wife has never denied me, but there are many times I wish she would have instead of hrmphing,sighing etc.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Thound said:


> Uh oh. It appears we are married to the same woman.


:rofl: Well that explains a lot!


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## Pixi (Mar 7, 2014)

Thound said:


> My wife has never denied me, but there are many times I wish she would have instead of hrmphing,sighing etc.


 Oh... I am not allowed to hrmph or sigh or it goes limp and that is my fault too. I deserve an oscar!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Some of us _do _require arousal in order for penetration to be in any way physically possible... Think vaginismus. It is seen as a disorder, but I've often wondered if it isn't also a 'protection' mechanism.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: Re: Wish it worked the same for girls as it does for guys*



staarz21 said:


> Ha! I was just thinking this last week!!!
> 
> If he loses his erection or doesn't get one at all (he's fine medically and he has no problem getting one to porn) I'm supposed to understand.
> 
> ...


I think you are part of the problem by allowing it and making it your responsibility to make it I.trusting for him. Cut out the porn for one thing. If you don't have that's a boundary the rest is for naught as his need of more will just increase.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Pixi said:


> Oh... I am not allowed to hrmph or sigh or it goes limp and that is my fault too. I deserve an oscar!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But why "hrmph" at all, Pixi? Just say No. If you were saying No all the time, that would be different, but the occasional No (when you're not in the mood or don't feel like it) would be acceptable to any reasonable man.

I love sex, but there are occasions when I'm not in the mood for it, or my partner isn't, and it wouldn't occur to either of us to throw a hissy fit or disrespect one another's need for 'timeout.'


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> But why "hrmph" at all, Pixi? Just say No. If you were saying No all the time, that would be different, but the occasional No (when you're not in the mood or don't feel like it) would be acceptable to any reasonable man.
> 
> I love sex, but there are occasions when I'm not in the mood for it, or my partner isn't, and it wouldn't occur to either of us to throw a hissy fit or disrespect one another's need for 'timeout.'


Dang! Beat me to it. I do not want sex if my wife doesn't want to. I'm a better MAN than that.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Thound said:


> Dang! Beat me to it. I do not want sex if my wife doesn't want to. I'm a better MAN than that.


:iagree:

For my SO and I, sex is something we _share_. We might have a 'right' to _expect _it, but neither of us has a 'right' to _demand_ it. That sort of attitude would place it in a less favourable / desirable light for both of us.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Pixi said:


> Oh... I am not allowed to hrmph or sigh or it goes limp and that is my fault too. I deserve an oscar!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are too funny, Pixi.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I have never done that either. Wow...after some of these thread today I am thinking Mr. Adams is a very lucky man...and I am equally as lucky.


I concur.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Pixi said:


> To me "LD" means low drive. My drive isn't low. It is probably too high if anything just because I never get satisfaction.
> Sigh.



"I can't speak for your woman, but I do have LD after years of having my man not know what he was doing and leaving me unsatisfied." Pixi


So which is it, Pixi? 

I do not know many women who will agree to this:

"where it is all about him where I will edge him or give him bj's for God only knows how long while he sits at the computer and watches porn..."

Nor many that refer to their vaginas as a "hole."


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## Pixi (Mar 7, 2014)

skype said:


> "I can't speak for your woman, but I do have LD after years of having my man not know what he was doing and leaving me unsatisfied." Pixi
> 
> 
> So which is it, Pixi?
> ...


Well, I have low drive to have my holes poked with no satisfaction. Not just my vagina either, it isn't the only hole that he wants to poke. I have high drive to have an orgasm, and I do wish that having my holes poked would do that! 

Just because you don't know many women who will agree to what I do with my husband or what I call my vagina, or anus or mouth doesn't mean that it isn't my reality. The women you know are not the only women that exist in the world.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Thound said:


> ```
> 
> ```
> Please don't take this wrong, but I wished women would clearly tell us they didn't want sex. And if they don't want to be with us anymore they would clearly tell us. If they just want to stay because of guilt, for the kids, or the financial aspect, they would just say so and us men could decide if we want to live this way or not.
> And if it's just because we are not doing something correctly, women should tell us clearly what we are doing wrong or make suggestions.


:iagree:

I was ignorant enough in my youth to think that any healthy person liked sex, and I thought it took a lot to kill that desire. I sure learned differently. I never realized sexual desire was so complicated; it's not for me.


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## Pixi (Mar 7, 2014)

southbound said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I was ignorant enough in my youth to think that any healthy person liked sex, and I thought it took a lot to kill that desire. I sure learned differently. I never realized sexual desire was so complicated; it's not for me.


To be honest, I don't think sexual desire is the complication. I think it happens just like hunger for food happens. I think the complication comes in when it becomes time to take sexual acts and produce orgasmic satisfaction with them.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Pixi said:


> To be honest, I don't think sexual desire is the complication. I think it happens just like hunger for food happens. I think the complication comes in when it becomes time to take sexual acts and produce orgasmic satisfaction with them.


Interesting; I always use the hunger for food and sex comparison.

So, are you saying that people not wanting sex could be due to their partner not being able to please them and bring them to orgasm? I guess we sometimes overlook that in all the sex discussions.

When someone says they aren't getting enough sex, we address everything else, but perhaps we should start by asking, "So, how good are you? Do you rock the other person's world when you do have sex?"


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

It sounds to me that your husband has low self esteem and is watching too much porn.

I'm not anti-porn but in my own experience, when a man watches too much porn both his skill in the bedroom and his appreciation for a real live naked woman goes down. The skills go down because instead of doing what works in real life to get a woman going, he copies what he sees on the screen. The appreciation goes down because looking at 1000s of pairs of different boobs, vaginas and butts is more stimulating (ouch) than the one's you get to see and touch every day. You do get desensitized to things as you use them - everything from caffeine and cigarettes to alcohol and drugs. The same goes for porn.

As for the self-esteem, well, getting told you aren't doing it for your spouse is an ego bruiser for anyone. Having low self-esteem and hearing it will make someone stick their heads in the sand. It's too much for them to hear so they get defensive or shut you out. That's on him and there's nothing you can do about it but tell him what you want, need and what works for you in the bedroom as gently and without blame as possible.

Secondly, I'd challenge you both to challenge yourselves to be "Masters of Your Own/Each Other's Domains". What I mean by this is don't masturbate - no porn and jerking for him. No vibrator and romance novels for you. Do this for one to three months. The longer the better. When you two are horny, then have sex - have all the sex you want with each other but don't take the easy way out with vibrators or porn. 

I'm not anti-vibe either - I have my own lol. But using a vibrator regularly can make you less sensitive down there. Also, you might find it hard or impossible to orgasm by using your own fingers/hand if you've been using the vibe too much. If you can't make yourself orgasm on your own (without a battery powered friend) then don't blame your husband when he can't make you orgasm either - blame the vibe and give it a rest for a while. Think back to when you first started masturbating as a teen and could orgasm easily. If you can't do what you did then to make you orgasm today, that's a sign you may need to take a break so you can get more sensitive again.

Your husband should cut back off of the porn. Porn has it's place (when you are away from each other, once in a while together to spice it up etc.) but it should be an option not a priority when it comes to him staying hard through to orgasm when you're together. It's not normal for a healthy, able-bodied, young male to go limp in front of his naked and willing wife. This is a sign of too much porn use. That's also not exactly "intimate". Since he's so reliant on the porn it's like having a third party in the room at all times. 

If/when you both abstain from the porn/jerking and vibrator/reading respectively, you both will have no other choice but to focus on each other for sexual stimuli. Luckily, the brain being the biggest sexual organ in our bodies is adaptable and you can both learn to find each other sexually stimulating again.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Not to sway the topic too much but your original post had me laughing as it reminded me of this.

 Wanda Sykes - Detachable ***** - YouTube


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Somewhere in this is an idea for an app.

I'm getting started on it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Some of us _do _require arousal in order for penetration to be in any way physically possible... Think vaginismus. It is seen as a disorder, but I've often wondered if it isn't also a 'protection' mechanism.


This. If I am not aroused intercourse is painful to me and nearly impossible. I thought it was a mental thing.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think that long long ago when you realised that your husband was a poor lover you should have taken your stand then.

something like .....I really like you but the man I am with has to be able to give me an orgasm. I like it when you .........and when you.........and I'd really like if you did this for more than 2 second.


if with open honest comunication he still didn't buck up then sorry It all falls on you for not kicking him to the curb.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

southbound said:


> Interesting; I always use the hunger for food and sex comparison.
> 
> So, are you saying that people not wanting sex could be due to their partner not being able to please them and bring them to orgasm? I guess we sometimes overlook that in all the sex discussions.
> 
> When someone says they aren't getting enough sex, we address everything else, but perhaps we should start by asking, "So, how good are you? Do you rock the other person's world when you do have sex?"


I think the vast majority of women with low sex drive are because they are not getting off.

have you ever had sex and failed to orgasm?

I have and I tell my wife thats ok it still felt good but the reality is that if it happened too frequently It would kill my desire for her.

imagine a woman who has never orgasmed with her husband......whats in it for her. closeness .....what a crock I'll take an orgasm over closeness anyday besides you will still have closeness if you orgasm. if you don't you have.....disapointment assoiated with your closeness and who want disapointed closness.

yep I think the first question should be is she orgasming when you have sex and how do you know. and if he says because she told me ......then you got to wonder if shes lying to save his feelings. not realising that saving his feeling now and then crushing them after 20yrs of marriage because you were too shy to say listen jerk you need to munch the box for me to get off. and I didn't tell you so now I taking half of everything and shacking up with the younger dude at work.

I went off there alittl bit but you get the gist!!!!!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> I think the vast majority of women with low sex drive are because they are not getting off.
> 
> have you ever had sex and failed to orgasm?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Pixi said:


> I have to tell you, that I wish our vagina could just shrink up and close so they couldn't have sex with us if we weren't aroused and/or enjoying the sex like their penis just shrinks up and doesn't work when everything isn't just right for them!
> 
> But, no... we are expected to let them use KY and poke us with their penis even when we are bone dry because they aren't arousing us enough to produce our own lubrication. AND, if we don't want to have sex with our husbands because we know that the only thing we will get out of the ordeal is sloppy and unsatisfied then they have to find some way to push that back on us being "low drive" or jump to a conclusion that we must have some trauma from our past that makes us not want sex.
> 
> ...


I honestly would not try to poke a girl and expect her to use jelly if she were not aroused. I hope not many men would.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> wow...I must be more blessed than I even thought....


As someone who's in a similar HD/HD marriage, yes, you are.


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## Pixi (Mar 7, 2014)

Miss Taken, you are probably right on the course to take to remedy things and GENIUS for the youtube link. it made my day!

It is likely laziness on BOTH our parts, not just his, that we fell into these ruts like we have.

If I wouldn't have had access to a vibrator, then I probably would have worked harder and made him work harder to "get it right", and if he wouldn't have had access to porn, we probably would have had to find ways to keep things exciting enough to combat the middle aged plight that fuels the viagara market.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> I think the vast majority of women with low sex drive are because they are not getting off.
> 
> have you ever had sex and failed to orgasm?
> 
> ...


Interesting. I think the first question we should all ask when someone isn't satisfied with their partner's sex drive is, "are they having an orgasm?" "Are you any good." That should always be eliminated first, I suppose. 

My x wife said she was having an orgasm, but i never understood how one could have and not desire more in the near future. That never made sense to me.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

southbound said:


> Interesting. I think the first question we should all ask when someone isn't satisfied with their partner's sex drive is, "are they having an orgasm?" "Are you any good." That should always be eliminated first, I suppose.
> 
> My x wife said she was having an orgasm, but *i never understood how one could have and not desire more in the near future. That never made sense to me.*


Think of it like food. Some people are big eaters; they fill their plates to overflowing at the "all you can eat" buffet, and go back for seconds. And dessert. Other people feel full on less food even if it's super tasty. 

Or think dogs and cats. A dog will eat as many treats as you give and will keep looking for more. A cat might eat plenty of treats, but, at some point, will walk away because it doesn't want any more.

We aren't all wired the same. Even better, the wiring changes over a lifetime. Fun times.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I have sometimes wished that I did not get an erection as soon as I see my wife.
Ok that is an exaggeration. But all she needs is to just turn and smile or look at me in a particular way and bam...the guy is up.

Its like I have no control over it. She is a tease as well so that usually ends up like she owns that part of me.

But after my last flare up and IC for both of us...things are good.
I don't mean to complain. But not all guys like the thing standing up when the brain is saying NO.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> *I think the vast majority of women with low sex drive are because they are not getting off.
> 
> have you ever had sex and failed to orgasm?*
> 
> ...


I think there may be a lot of truth to this. My STBW likes sex. Always has. Before we started sleeping together, we talked quite a bit about sex, and for pretty much her whole life, her physical drive was at about 3-4 times a week. She also O'd about 50% of the time, and never PIV. Since she and I have been together, her drive has gone off the charts...10-15 times a week, and even on days we've already done it a couple of times, she'll still initiates for more. With me, she O's nearly 100% of the time and can in just about any position, oral, fingers, PIV. I think the combination of her already having a good solid desire for sex in general, and then the fact that she is orgasming all the time is why she desires it so often. I know that is just a single anecdotal example but...


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Consider this alternate theory, if you will.

Some of us men were raised proper with a good example. 

Others however were perhaps, not. After all, this is a learned behavior and attitude. 

If you allow your SO to continue treating you in a way you don't like, it won't change. Make him a better man. Make your sons better men. If you don't teach your sons better, they'll learn it from the father that you have this problem with. They may learn it from, or teach it to, their friends. Eventually it becomes accepted. Just like men suddenly thinking it's OK to wear a ball cap to dinner out. I call them out on it every time. I'm not old, but I was raised with old-fashioned gentleman's rules and examples from strong male role models like my grandfather. That's something I see lacking these days.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

I'm very sensitive to chemicals, and lube (even the water based kinds) causes a reaction down there -- which is unpleasant, to say the least. 

We found that out about a month into our relationship. What the doctor told us (DH was at the appointment), was that DH had to take his time and make sure I was self-lubricating before trying anything. Then smiled at me and said, "lucky girl."

I never realized it would be a problem for other woman. It never occurred to me that someone would just pour on the lube, and go about their business without checking in on their partner to see how they are doing. SMH.


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## Pixi (Mar 7, 2014)

MrAvg said:


> Why do you wish to stay married to this man?


He is my hubby. I am not perfect. I have adult tantrums over REALLY stupid stuff sometimes and he absorbs them just because he is the one closest in proximity to me, not because he deserved them. 

I share responsibility for the dysfunction in our sex life. Marriage isn't ONLY about sex. I know this concept is totally foreign to so many (males especially it seems). I am here on TAM because I am looking for a place to vent about what bothers me, research how others who are bothered by the same thing have found resolution, and try to make things better.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Pixi said:


> He is my hubby. I am not perfect. I have adult tantrums over REALLY stupid stuff sometimes and he absorbs them just because he is the one closest in proximity to me, not because he deserved them.
> 
> I share responsibility for the dysfunction in our sex life. Marriage isn't ONLY about sex. I know this concept is totally foreign to so many (males especially it seems). I am here on TAM because I am looking for a place to vent about what bothers me, research how others who are bothered by the same thing have found resolution, and try to make things better.


Has it helped venting here? I know it has helped me in the past.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> I think the vast majority of women with low sex drive are because they are not getting off.
> 
> have you ever had sex and failed to orgasm?


This is probably the case for many women, but not all. Speaking for my wife, she doesn't orgasm--ever. Not for lack of my trying, trust me. She really just doesn't have a drive to HAVE an orgasm, therefore she's unwilling to take steps to put herself in a position where it would be possible. I often wonder if we could get her past that issue if it would improve her drive overall, but I honestly doubt it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

OP--I'm curious, does your husband NEED to watch porn while you're having sex, or is it just a kink he sometimes does.

Also--if it offends you (it would offend me for sure) why don't you put down some boundaries?


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## Pixi (Mar 7, 2014)

It did help to vent about it. I never really set up boundaries because it was a gradual thing over time that just sort of spiraled away really. I used to like to watch the porn too, so it was a win win. I am pretty sure it is just age working against us now and we have to over come it. It did feel good just to get to ***** about it. \


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Pixi said:


> I have to wonder if it wouldn't FORCE them to own the responsibility for their woman's satisfaction.


Please explain why a woman's satisfaction is a mans responsibility?

Are you telling me that decades of the women's movement propaganda was a lie?

I understand your troubles but this line of thinking is kind of detrimental to yourself.

You have to make him understand and if he won't at the very least stop allowing him to use you for his own satisfaction.

You are at least partly responsible for this problem.

You need some boundaries before he'll take you seriously and want to work through this.


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## Pixi (Mar 7, 2014)

tacoma said:


> Please explain why a woman's satisfaction is a mans responsibility?
> 
> Are you telling me that decades of the women's movement propaganda was a lie?
> 
> ...



If you read the thread... you will see me own my responsibility for the problem. Hey... if the men on here whining about their wives not having sex with them would OWN the responsibility for their woman's satisfaction, then their women might not be avoiding sex with them like the plague. :lol: 

When the woman's satisfaction stops being the man's responsibility, she will surely take the responsibility for herself with a vibrator and then the men are no longer needed for orgasms. And then they will (both) whine about the sex they aren't getting. It happened to us. I am not speaking of something I know nothing about.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Pixi said:


> If you read the thread... you will see me own my responsibility for the problem. Hey... if the men on here whining about their wives not having sex with them would OWN the responsibility for they woman's satisfaction, then their women might not be avoiding sex with them like the plague. :lol:
> 
> When the woman's satisfaction stops being the man's responsibility, she will surely take the responsibility for herself with a vibrator and then the men are no longer needed for orgasms. And then they will (both) whine about the sex they aren't getting. It happened to us. I am not speaking of something I know nothing about.


So apparently decades of women's movement propaganda was lying to me.

Thanks, I'll get my woman right back in that kitchen making me a sammich!


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## Pixi (Mar 7, 2014)

tacoma said:


> So apparently decades of women's movement propaganda was lying to me.
> 
> Thanks, I'll get my woman right back in that kitchen making me a sammich!


I make such good slammiches!!! Sure wish that was all I had to do, instead of this suck ass working full time to pay the bills and then coming home to a house that I have to deal with AND then make the sammiches. 

I couldn't tell you what the "women's movement propaganda" has been telling you to know if they have been lying to you, but they sure screwed me by forcing me to work full time to be able to pay the bills while still being expected to do all the stuff that women used to call their full time job. Ya know, making sammiches, baking cookies, etc.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I like a good sammich! I actually do a lot of the cooking but Mrs. Conan makes sammiches.

BTW, I take responsibility for pleasing my wife because we probably never read any books and aren't too educated about who's responsibility it is. But us ignorant folks have some pretty hot sex and Mrs. Conan has O's so intense that she could probably toss me across the room and I am twice her size.


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## tinybuddha58 (Mar 29, 2014)

Wow Pixi, 

I love your rant. My husband is a lazy lover as well. I always have to get him hard and I'll say "what about me?" and he looks at me like I'm crazy because I don't have a penis that needs to get hard! When I decide to have sex with him I always know that once we start having sex I will enjoy it because I almost always orgasm and he always asks me before he O's if I want him to hold out or not. So at least he does care about me in that regard but it sure would be nice if he would do things prior to PIV to help out. I've been very frustrated at the lack of interest in sex that my husband has but after reading some of these posts, i'm not sure what is worse. Lack of interest or too much interest!


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

So, how about instead of ranting or wishing for a closing hole, you tell him what you need from him in order to be sexually satisfied.

Also, a host of women don't spontaneously desire sex even though they're plenty satisfied when they actually have sex. Its often referred to as responsive desire. It doesn't necessarily mean their husbands are no good in bed.

Maybe I missed it, but does your partner simply refuse to do the things you've asked of him? If so I cannot relate. Myself and the men I know want to do whatever it takes to be a stud and rock her world. The bad cases I know of are where nothing he does works for her reliably. There is a problem with setting a precedent that if he can't get you off, its HIS fault, even though you're a veritable Ouija board. It seemingly takes supernatural influence for something to happen. He will begin to associate you not getting off with a fault in him, and HE will likely stop wanting sex or trying to get you off at all.

It seems a simple thing to get a man to give you what you want before he gets off: If he's not, don't let him sprint for the finish.

Do you ladies just lie there while he does whatever he wants, or are you actively engaging and asking him to do things you want? My advice: stop being so passive. Just as someone is often treated poorly because they allow themselves to be treated poorly, you'll have a sexually lazy husband if you allow him to be lazy.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> I guess if everyone worried about their own orgasm....
> 
> OH wait, my H does. That must be why I don't get to have any.
> 
> He's good to go after 5.3 minutes. Sorry, I can O pretty easily, but some work does need to go into it on his part.


What have you asked him for? Is it a set length of time, or is it arbitrary based on how you feel that time? Should he reach his point and then spend the rest of the time holding off for some indefinite period in hopes you O? More communication would be good... give him an idea of how long you need him to last and he can adjust pace accordingly. We usually don't want to be heading for home early anymore than you want us to.

I had one girl friend who after a few times of me finishing just short of her O, blew up frustrated about it. But she was a quiet type. I had no indication she was about to orgasm. We can't read minds. We only know what satisfies us and I had lasted a reasonable time to my mind. Everything else you have to tell us and be pretty specific about.

My exw finally complained that I lasted too long when she didn't orgasm. That she wished I'd have just finished rather than gunning for her orgasm on days she knew it was going to be tough sledding. But how was I to know this?

I don't know about other guys, but I sure wish women were a lot more communicative about where they are and what they want. Too many seem to think a guy should just read minds.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> What have you asked him for? Is it a set length of time, or is it arbitrary based on how you feel that time? Should he reach his point and then spend the rest of the time holding off for some indefinite period in hopes you O? More communication would be good... give him an idea of how long you need him to last and he can adjust pace accordingly. We usually don't want to be heading for home early anymore than you want us to.
> 
> I had one girl friend who after a few times of me finishing just short of her O, blew up frustrated about it. But she was a quiet type. I had no indication she was about to orgasm. We can't read minds. We only know what satisfies us and I had lasted a reasonable time to my mind. Everything else you have to tell us and be pretty specific about.
> 
> ...



Well, we've been having sex for about 5 years now. I am the one the mostly brings up communication for sex. I have voiced calmly and angrily about his leaving me hanging. He gets done and that's it. He's done. Not a hand to help me out or nothing. He is perfectly content just doing what he needs to do. He used to take the time. He got bored. I tried to spice it up. It wasn't enough. He's just lazy now and I'm no longer interested. I get nothing out of it.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> Well, we've been having sex for about 5 years now. I am the one the mostly brings up communication for sex. I have voiced calmly and angrily about his leaving me hanging. He gets done and that's it. He's done. Not a hand to help me out or nothing. He is perfectly content just doing what he needs to do. He used to take the time. He got bored. I tried to spice it up. It wasn't enough. He's just lazy now and I'm no longer interested. I get nothing out of it.


Voicing that he leaves you hanging is one thing, voicing what want him to do when the time is right is another. That he left you hanging last time is likely the farthest thing from his mind at the next sexual encounter. He's seeking you to satisfy his needs... not seeking you to satisfy your needs. Your needs are your responsibility.

He is properly not the seeker of your orgasm. That comes with a whole other set of problems, trust me. Have you specifically asked him to do whatever things will enable you to get off, when it is time for him to do those things? If he refuses to do them, then refuse to do what he wants until he does - making it clear that you have no desire to meet his needs when he won't meet yours - and that getting what he wants by giving you what you want is entirely up to him.


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## Pixi (Mar 7, 2014)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> So, how about instead of ranting or wishing for a closing hole, you tell him what you need from him in order to be sexually satisfied.
> 
> Maybe I missed it, but does your partner simply refuse to do the things you've asked of him?


I have told him what I needed him to do, and that was when he said that it made sex feel like I was a foreman telling him how to do "his job". This would be because he equated "his job" to the sex act itself, not the satisfaction of his wife. 

He equates sexual satisfaction with obtaining and maintaining just enough of an erect penis that it can be vigorously stimulated until his orgasm occurs. This is often possible with a penis that isn't all that erect really. I equated sexual satisfaction with having enough foreplay to be aroused enough to be wet as to allow for penetration (of a fully erect penis) and then receiving stimulation from a fully erect penis that STAYS fully erect while developing a pleasing rhythm (that does not resemble a jackhammer on speed) until it can produce an orgasm for me. 

When I tried to explain this to him, it became me telling him that he wasn't "hard enough", or "big enough" or "didn't pay enough attention to me". So I became needy and he became inadequate all in the same breath... odd really. And it has really snowballed from there. He didn't like approaching me for sex because he felt inadequate (which I am sure has just worsened his ED) and I didn't want bothered with sex because my needs were too burdensome for him AND were never being met anyway.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Pixi said:


> I will edge him or give him bj's for God only knows how long while he sits at the computer and watches porn...


There is women out there who will do this?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> There is women out there who will do this?


several.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

Like Maritime Guy...I am also intrigued by what Pixi said


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

The hard part is finding a man who doesn't take it for granted once he's used to being treated in the most awesome of ways.I'm sure the fellas have this problem too though.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It's not the extended oral that makes me scratch my head but the fact it is while he's watching porn. I would have thought most women would have been put off by the fact he was getting aroused to porn and the contact with her was incidental. 

...I guess I'm jealous.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> It's not the extended oral that makes me scratch my head but the fact it is while he's watching porn. I would have thought most women would have been put off by the fact he was getting aroused to porn and the contact with her was incidental.
> 
> ...I guess I'm jealous.


I feel the same way. Maybe I am missing out.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Pixi said:


> When I tried to explain this to him, it became me telling him that he wasn't "hard enough", or "big enough" or "didn't pay enough attention to me". So I became needy and he became inadequate all in the same breath... odd really. And it has really snowballed from there. He didn't like approaching me for sex because he felt inadequate (which I am sure has just worsened his ED) and I didn't want bothered with sex because my needs were too burdensome for him AND were never being met anyway.


It sounds like you've done your due diligence. I'm not sure how you approach the subject with a man when he's insecure and defensive. Somehow you've got to get past the wall he puts up to protect from feeling inadequate. Some of that might just be excuse making for laziness too though and tbh, I suspect he's spoiled. lol

I've had that wall up myself, for different reasons but probably the same wall, and I honestly don't know what someone could do to get past it that I would believe sincere.

Random thought just occurred... perhaps suggest having *you* nights and *him* nights? That way, you can say you want to be the foreman... your night isn't about him, so shut up and take direction lol. Maybe you each don't even bother with orgasm on the other's night. He has his own night for the minute man sex that doesn't get you off, and he doesn't have to live up to something on your nights... just follow your direction because those nights aren't about him.

What do you think? I'm all about creative problem solving.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> It's not the extended oral that makes me scratch my head but the fact it is while he's watching porn. I would have thought most women would have been put off by the fact he was getting aroused to porn and the contact with her was incidental.
> 
> ...I guess I'm jealous.


How is that much different than being the one to hold a toy for her? The toy is doing the pleasuring and you're incidental...the toy holder...

By the way, my STBW is one of those women who would has no problems doing this exact type of thing for me...


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Pixi said:


> When the woman's satisfaction stops being the man's responsibility, she will surely take the responsibility for herself with a vibrator and then the men are no longer needed for orgasms. And then they will (both) whine about the sex they aren't getting. It happened to us. I am not speaking of something I know nothing about.


I agree with you here, but would add that sometimes it is difficult for both men and women to truly understand body parts they don't personally possess. I've chuckled a couple times at some of the things ladies say about erection. (Please don't be offended.)

The only way past it is not giving up on communication. It's truly unfair that this seems fall on the person being wronged.


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## Pixi (Mar 7, 2014)

Don’t forget guys… that I didn’t mind the edging or the bj’s with porn because it would produce a VERY hard penis for me to get to enjoy. And often, edging (the actual act of bringing him right to the edge of orgasm) often helped with stamina for actual PiV sex. Even if I didn't usually orgasm from PiV, it still felt as close to good as it could when he was very hard and would make the orgasm I would get for myself after sex in the shower feel so good. It was a win win scenario, and I didn’t mind that it might have been fueled, so to speak, by porn and not necessarily by me. I have nice tits, but I only have two and they have looked pretty much the same every day for the two decades he has been having sex with me. There was no harm in my book with having him visually enjoy variety to help “prime things”.

I have been fighting an uphill battle against an aging penis that grows more and more difficult to convince to become and stay erect, and maybe I have spoiled him by making such efforts to “keep it working”. At some point, it became this burden to have to tend to it so it would keep working and I became bitter that nobody was tending to my arousal (or even worried about it really) because it has all been fixated on his penis and how to make sure that we could get it up and get it off. So I vented that I wished my holes would close up if nobody cared about my arousal like his penis shrivels up if I don’t provide a sexual three ring circus for him. I will get over it. I always do.

The idea to take turns sounds like a good one, but not one I am gonna convince him of sadly.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Pixi said:


> The idea to take turns sounds like a good one, but not one I am gonna convince him of sadly.


You won't know unless you try. The way it could take the performance pressure off him and even let him have guilt/anxiety free orgasms on his nights might appeal to him.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Pixi said:


> I have been fighting an uphill battle against an aging penis that grows more and more difficult to convince to become and stay erect....


It's an aging cardiovascular system. What he needs to do is take up running (Or something similar) and eat healthier, but it's the next damn thing to impossible to get someone to do those things if they don't want to.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

My husband has been wanting to just pour on the lube lately and get right to PIV about 30 seconds into kissing.



I've often thought it was unfair that there was an obvious sign on guys to tell if they are aroused. If things start shrinking you know you need to ramp up to seduction, or that something just isn't working. 

With girls the you have to communicate a lot more.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> My husband has been wanting to just pour on the lube lately and get right to PIV about 30 seconds into kissing.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Needing lube IS a sign - it's not like your husband doesn't know that you aren't the least bit excited and ready if he's getting the lube out 30 seconds into it. He knows.

Why do you keep having sex under these circumstances? 

Why don't you stop him when he gets the lube out and ask him to do something else because you need and want to be turned on? Have you told him 30 seconds of kissing immediately followed by lube is a turn OFF?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> If things start shrinking you know you need to ramp up to seduction, or that something just isn't working.


It's not necessarily the woman's fault although many women will own it.

If only sex weren't such a repressed subject and we didn't have to turn to strangers on anonymous forums to gain understanding...we could actually have open and frank discussions.


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