# My husband wants "space" to consider seperation



## Burndownthedawn

Long long story short - I met my husband at 20, and his two sons (then 8 & 4) he was 25 and a busy man! We dated two years, were engaged for 2 years and now we are going on 3 years of marriage. 

We built an empire out of his business, and we moved 1.5 hours away to be closer to it. I left my family and friends behind twice for him (once before he owned a business and once after). We bought a house together about a year and a half ago. Everything was fine. 

I clearly missed something because we got in a small fight where I was frustrated that he doesn't pay attention to me because he's always away on business (yes truly away, I've gone with him before, it's not another woman). He told me I don't support him enough and I'm not appreciative enough. He threatened to leave and being honest - I convinced him to stay. I told him I didn't want to throw away a beautiful family and all that we've built over a stupid argument. That we are stronger and we are meant to be with each other. I truly believe that us even meeting and being together was literally 1 in a billion chances. 

Its been a few days now, and he's still sleeping in our bed, still cuddling but not interested in kissing/sex/affection really. I am actively working on myself. I have identified what I need to fix, and have been doing everything I can do appreciate him. I am doing all the things I haven't done in a while... I have written love notes, made breakfast, made extra time for us, left him surprises, sent him nice messages, dressed up for a date night... I've made a serious effort. I also haven't criticized him or even really offered any opinions because I know he's frustrated. He says he doesn't want to be "persuaded". I told him to take some time and that I wouldn't talk directly about our issues again until he was ready. He's away all next week, so that will be his thinking time I guess. 

I'm trying very hard to prove to him I'm working on myself for him but I'm terrified he's going to leave and we will lose the very strong marriage we had previously. Up until a few months ago everything was literally fine. Even two weeks ago things were fine - he just said he had a lightbulb moment and wants to be alone. I don't know how to tell him that I want to fix the lightbulb not replace the house, without "persuading him" 

Sincerely, we had the best marriage - goofy and fun, so much affection and love, everyone told me how much we were perfect for each other... Now I feel like I'm drowning. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything without breaking down. 

I just keep thinking that I'm never going to see my stepsons again, and we'll lose the house and I will have to start rebuilding my life from scratch - all without the person I love so deeply and truly. He's my person. 

Any advice would be so appreciated.


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## D0nnivain

I'd try talking & possible MC before giving up the marriage. It seems like there are paths back together but right now you are too upset to see them & may need a little guidance.


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## Burndownthedawn

D0nnivain said:


> I'd try talking & possible MC before giving up the marriage. It seems like there are paths back together but right now you are too upset to see them & may need a little guidance.


I definitely want to talk it out but he says he doesn't want to talk right now (other than the little we did the other day). He's asked for space to consider what he wants. So we're just talking about regular things rather than "us" for now.


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## DownByTheRiver

All you can do when someone wants space is give it to them. 

I don't think you should totally write off that he maybe has an interest in another woman, though. It's not like it's uncommon, even with men who think they're happily married. Doesn't mean he's acted on it, but may be influencing him. He also could just be overwhelmed with responsibilities and be feeling the pressure. Don't keep overdoing trying hard to please and win him. He's too smart for that. Just be yourself. That was good enough at one time. If you ever do find out he's got wandering eyes, you'll hate yourself for putting forth all the effort. Again, you were good enough for him before. Be yourself. Don't be desperate. It doesn't look good on anyone.

Give him space and take some space yourself. What's good for the goose. Go spend some time with family and friends or take up a hobby. Don't do anything dumb, but take some time to yourself. Keep us updated, and good luck.


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## BetrayedX3

I sincerely hope you guys can work it out. 
Be Sure, once y’all do start talking, make sure porn isn’t a factor in the equation. Some married men will “use porn”to “keep from cheating” when they’re away. Porn can get out of hand and become a better option to some men. They literally lose the ability to be sexually attracted to a real person.
I hope y’all make it ❤


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## Luckylucky

Definitely give him space, and ease up on the little notes etc and don’t try too hard either because that may smother him. Be there for him, but do ease off.

Early in my marriage my husband made a mistake and went overboard to fix it. There wasn’t another Man and I wasn’t wanting to leave him, I was really just flooded and needed a little time to get over it, and get over myself too!

I also didn’t need my husband to go through hoops to show me he loved me. You made a mistake, it will get better. Keep listening to eachother and it’ll work out. We all need a chance to grow and be angry and so on.


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## sokillme

Why do you want to save your marriage? Not trying to be a jerk, but it sounds like you were not happy up until the point he wanted space? Is this just a reaction to the possibility of change?

You will not lose your step-sons. You should have some rights.


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## frusdil

So because you expressed some concerns and feelings to your husband, he now wants a divorce?

Are you SURE everything was really ok up until then?


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## Blondilocks

Does he have full custody of his sons? Maybe he needs to take his sons with him next week so he can get a feel for what it will be like when you aren't holding down the fort. Maybe he isn't appreciative enough of you.


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## Burndownthedawn

I love my husband, and we fought like everyone does. I've had a lot of stress lately and been too hard on him. I know I haven't been the best version of me, yes I am truly convinced we were fine not all that long ago. 

He does not have fully custody, he has joint so he's home when they are. They're home every other weekend and chunks of holidays. I do a lot of the work there but so does he, so I'm not concerned about that. We worked that out a long time ago. 

Stepparents have no rights. As far as court is concerned, even if I petitioned for access the chance of me getting any would be slim to none. It will come down to if their parents feel like allowing me to see them. At least until my 15 year old is 18. It's heartbreaking because we are so close. 

We had a slightly better day yesterday. Got some space, but still spent some family time together. I will ease off a little, and just keep praying he comes back to me.


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## MattMatt

Burndownthedawn said:


> I love my husband, and we fought like everyone does. I've had a lot of stress lately and been too hard on him. I know I haven't been the best version of me, yes I am truly convinced we were fine not all that long ago.
> 
> He does not have fully custody, he has joint so he's home when they are. They're home every other weekend and chunks of holidays. I do a lot of the work there but so does he, so I'm not concerned about that. We worked that out a long time ago.
> 
> Stepparents have no rights. As far as court is concerned, even if I petitioned for access the chance of me getting any would be slim to none. It will come down to if their parents feel like allowing me to see them. At least until my 15 year old is 18. It's heartbreaking because we are so close.
> 
> We had a slightly better day yesterday. Got some space, but still spent some family time together. I will ease off a little, and just keep praying he comes back to me.


Why did he get divorced? Does he tend to run away when things get tough?


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## SunCMars

MattMatt said:


> Why did he get divorced? Does he tend to run away when things get tough?


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## D0nnivain

As long as you are still talking about anything there is hope. Do nice things for him . . .fix a favorite meal etc. Don't press the relationship conversation unless he brings it up 1st. That is how you give him space but still be right there. 

Are there concrete things you can do to help grow the business? Yesterday my husband helped me clean out my office & he put together 2 shelving units for the storage space to house old records I need to maintain. I feel lighter because there is less clutter & I feel supported because he helped 

Part of what I read in your post is that he doesn't think you support the business endeavors enough. Where can you help take a load off? Can you input data into a customer manager system (google CRM systems)? Can you do filing? You say you built a business empire so this is a real passion of his. If you are not showing enough interest in this business he interprets it as you not caring about him.


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## theloveofmylife

It sounds like you guys need more quality time together to keep your connection strong. When that doesn't happen, little things can quickly become bigger things. 

Make sure when you ask for attention that it doesn't sound like an accusation. 

"I miss you. Let's do something fun this week, just the two of us." 

NOT

"You're always gone and you never pay attention to me any more." 

With the latter, he doesn't hear your need. He only hears that he is doing something wrong. This is all while busting his butt, which is why he doesn't feel appreciated.


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## DownByTheRiver

Luckylucky said:


> Definitely give him space, and ease up on the little notes etc and don’t try too hard either because that may smother him. Be there for him, but do ease off.
> 
> Early in my marriage my husband made a mistake and went overboard to fix it. There wasn’t another Man and I wasn’t wanting to leave him, I was really just flooded and needed a little time to get over it, and get over myself too!
> 
> I also didn’t need my husband to go through hoops to show me he loved me. You made a mistake, it will get better. Keep listening to eachother and it’ll work out. We all need a chance to grow and be angry and so on.


I agree. Smothering them after they've asked for space is the opposite of giving them space and will just make them cringe and lower their respect for you.


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## Burndownthedawn

MattMatt said:


> Why did he get divorced? Does he tend to run away when things get tough?


His first wife cheated on him twice. The first time he went back and tried to make it work for the kids. The second time he said no way.


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## 3Xnocharm

Don’t dismiss the possibility of another woman. His reaction to your small fight seemed overblown and out of proportion. I’d be curious about what he’s doing during this week he’ll be gone. 

In the meantime, stop sucking up to him and kissing his ass. 


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## frusdil

Burndownthedawn said:


> Stepparents have no rights. As far as court is concerned, even if I petitioned for access the chance of me getting any would be slim to none. It will come down to if their parents feel like allowing me to see them. At least until my 15 year old is 18. It's heartbreaking because we are so close.


That's not always the case honey, particularly as your steppies are in their late teens, it's really up to them not their parents, as to whether they keep a relationship with you or not xx


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## Burndownthedawn

Update: three weeks (almost) post the first conversation we had about seperating and he's been away ten days for work. Finally came home, we talked yesterday. I've been in therapy, I've mended bridges with folks I've hurt, I've genuinely been working on myself. He says he still hasn't changed his mind. He still wants to be alone. He packed a suitcase and went to his mom's. He says we can talk again in a few weeks but I think this is the end of it. I'm just so sad and angry that he won't give us a chance to work at it, because he feels that "we'd just smooth it over and be in the same place in 5 months"... feels like he's giving up so easily. This pain is seriously the worst I've ever felt. How does anyone survive this?


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## Sfort

Burndownthedawn said:


> Update: three weeks (almost) post the first conversation we had about seperating and he's been away ten days for work. Finally came home, we talked yesterday. I've been in therapy, I've mended bridges with folks I've hurt, I've genuinely been working on myself. He says he still hasn't changed his mind. He still wants to be alone. He packed a suitcase and went to his mom's. He says we can talk again in a few weeks but I think this is the end of it. I'm just so sad and angry that he won't give us a chance to work at it, because he feels that "we'd just smooth it over and be in the same place in 5 months"... feels like he's giving up so easily. This pain is seriously the worst I've ever felt. How does anyone survive this?


You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Prepare yourself. It's likely over. It would be a surprise if there is not another woman in his life. Good luck. It's a sad way to be treated.


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## 3Xnocharm

Burndownthedawn said:


> I'm just so sad and angry that he won't give us a chance to work at it, because he feels that "we'd just smooth it over and be in the same place in 5 months"... feels like he's giving up so easily. This pain is seriously the worst I've ever felt. How does anyone survive this?


He is 100% right. He knows he doesn’t want to be there and if he were to stick around, it would be strictly to appease you. 

Do you really want to stay with someone who doesn’t want you?


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## Openminded

I’m sorry. Unfortunately, not everyone chooses to try to repair a marriage. Apparently, he feels he’s done. Could he change his mind? Of course, but it’s best not to count on that. Focus on you and how to create a life without him. It takes time — sometimes a great deal of time — but it’s possible to rebuild and be happy. I know that doesn’t seem realistic now but you can get there. I kept a journal and made lists of things I had to do and things I wanted to do and things I hoped to do. I still have that journal years later. I keep it as a reminder of how far I’ve come. Start by telling yourself you’ll get through this because you will.


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## DownByTheRiver

I'm sorry this is the outcome for you. It's true that some people and that includes myself don't really like to work on things if things aren't quite right which they rarely are. If he feels confident he can be on his own, then I guess that's more his comfort zone then a constant partnership negotiation, go with his lifestyle of being so busy with work I don't know how he sees he can do it but hopefully he's making enough money to hire a bunch of nannies. I'm truly sorry for your loss and the kids loss.


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## Evinrude58

Yes, it’s incredibly hurtful. How does one make it through constant pain? I think getting something going that occupies all your time, that also greatly improves your life is good medicine. I personally think your husband has another woman, but it doesn’t matter. He’s out and you are FREE of him to find a man that WANTS you above all others. He’s out there. Hang in there and learn to be happy and he will find you.
You May feel overwhelmed and helpless. You aren’t. You are you. And YOU can overcome this.


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## Burndownthedawn

I appreciate everyone's kind words more than you could know. I'm going to prepare myself for the worst and pray that he sees that I have always loved and cherished our marriage. I don't know what will happen or who I am anymore but I guess I'll find out in the coming weeks... Please keep me and our kids in your thoughts - I seriously need all the positivity I can get right now.


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## frusdil

In your shoes, I'd be taking my power back now and filing for divorce. If my husband told me he wanted space, I'd give him all the damn space he wants, and he'd never hear my voice or lay his eyes on me again.

Unless there's something you've not told us, this sounds very odd, like he was looking for an out and he took it.


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## Burndownthedawn

frusdil said:


> Unless there's something you've not told us, this sounds very odd, like he was looking for an out and he took it.


I genuinely feel like a fish out of water. It's very strange to me too. I asked a close friend if they truly believed he could be cheating and they agreed that no there's no way with the work schedule (she is involved in work). I truly trust him and don't think he would ever do that to me (but I guess this was a surprise too!). 

I just keep searching for an answer as to why he was loving, attentive, affectionate, kind, amazing... Then suddenly completely withdrew all of a sudden and wants to explode our family and not sure what he wants. I even asked why he wouldn't tell me this before so we could work on it - and he just said he didn't think he could. I am SUPER open so I'm surprised he would say that... 

The whole ordeal is just painful and messy. I'm tired of not eating or sleeping.


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## In Absentia

Is it true what he said to you? That you didn't support him enough and you were not appreciative enough?


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## joannacroc

I had an ex tell me I wasn't supportive enough. It means different things to different people. I thought I was being super supportive in action, but what he wanted was a lot more pep talks and appreciation. I have tried to get better over time at positive affirmations for others but that is so I can grow as a person. In the end we weren't compatible. 

Maybe it's cultural. To an English person a grade on a paper of "satisfactory" is quite good, and about average. To an American that reads as "really s%*$" and "just adequate." Giving praise to Americans, I have to remember to be WAY more effusive than I would naturally be.


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## In Absentia

joannacroc said:


> Maybe it's cultural. To an English person a grade on a paper of "satisfactory" is quite good, and about average. To an American that reads as "really s%*$" and "just adequate." Giving praise to Americans, I have to remember to be WAY more effusive than I would naturally be.


You are not American? I'm not English, but I appreciate the insight...


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## joannacroc

In Absentia said:


> You are not American? I'm not English, but I appreciate the insight...


No, I'm English with some other stuff thrown in, but I live in the US.


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## joannacroc

Burndownthedawn said:


> I genuinely feel like a fish out of water. It's very strange to me too. I asked a close friend if they truly believed he could be cheating and they agreed that no there's no way with the work schedule (she is involved in work). I truly trust him and don't think he would ever do that to me (but I guess this was a surprise too!).
> 
> I just keep searching for an answer as to why he was loving, attentive, affectionate, kind, amazing... Then suddenly completely withdrew all of a sudden and wants to explode our family and not sure what he wants. I even asked why he wouldn't tell me this before so we could work on it - and he just said he didn't think he could. I am SUPER open so I'm surprised he would say that...
> 
> The whole ordeal is just painful and messy. I'm tired of not eating or sleeping.


I'm so sorry you're going through this. Spend time around loved ones if possible. Do you have a friend or relative who can come spend time with you for a while?


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## Burndownthedawn

In Absentia said:


> Is it true what he said to you? That you didn't support him enough and you were not appreciative enough?


I feel looking back on texts, messages, cards, I was very appreciative. I wrote notes and called and did everything in my power to love him. I uprooted my whole life and moved hours away to be close to his work for him which I felt was an ultimate show of support. He thinks I'm unsupportive in that I need quality time and my anxiety makes me frustrated when he calls to tell me he's not coming home from a big job. I am genuinely working on my anxious attachment but when we moved here I had no support system and he became everything. He feels smothered even when I feel like it's not. I'm trying to understand his side and be flexible to change. 


Also yes, I called my mom who is here with me.


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## In Absentia

Burndownthedawn said:


> I feel looking back on texts, messages, cards, I was very appreciative. I wrote notes and called and did everything in my power to love him. I uprooted my whole life and moved hours away to be close to his work for him which I felt was an ultimate show of support. He thinks I'm unsupportive in that I need quality time and my anxiety makes me frustrated when he calls to tell me he's not coming home from a big job. I am genuinely working on my anxious attachment but when we moved here I had no support system and he became everything. He feels smothered even when I feel like it's not. I'm trying to understand his side and be flexible to change.
> 
> 
> Also yes, I called my mom who is here with me.


I understand. I moved countries to be with my wife. 

It seems to me you have quite different personalities. But you both have to work at it. It's a shame he doesn't see prepared to fight for his marriage.


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## Evinrude58

Burndownthedawn said:


> I genuinely feel like a fish out of water. It's very strange to me too.* I asked a close friend if they truly believed he could be cheating and they agreed that no there's no way with the work schedule (she is involved in work). I truly trust him and don't think he would ever do that to me (but I guess this was a surprise too!).*
> 
> I just keep searching for an answer as to why he was loving, attentive, affectionate, kind, amazing... *Then suddenly completely withdrew all of a sudden and wants to explode our family and not sure what he wants*. I even asked why he wouldn't tell me this before so we could work on it - and he just said he didn't think he could. I am SUPER open so I'm surprised he would say that...
> 
> The whole ordeal is just painful and messy. I'm tired of not eating or sleeping.


 1st quote. Not enough books to hold how many betrayed spouses said these exact words.

2nd quote. You feel this is “sudden”.
99% of the time, a sudden change like this is due to an affair. The suddenness is what makes me believe it’s an affair, and the fact that it’s the most common reason for divorce.


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## 3Xnocharm

He’s cheating. No one ever doesn’t have time for an affair. 


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## Burndownthedawn

He went to the house without telling me while I was at work and scooped up stuff for the kids. Doesn't want me to see them this week... and he's making it pretty clear he's not interested in reconciling right now. So, balls in his court. I'm going to start getting my affairs in order and see if sometime in the next few weeks he has any sort of change in heart after I go silent for a while. This is really the worst possible feeling, I desperately wanted us to figure it out but you can't save a marriage alone I guess. Someone send me some positive thoughts that he will change his mind and give us a shot. Or that I will be ok on my own 😔


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## Pam

I am so sorry. It wasn't another woman... until it was. I will send you all kinds of positive thoughts, for your strength and ability to cope. I agree with the 180, go silent, don't contact him, don't beg, as badly as you want to.


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## DownByTheRiver

Burndownthedawn said:


> I appreciate everyone's kind words more than you could know. I'm going to prepare myself for the worst and pray that he sees that I have always loved and cherished our marriage. I don't know what will happen or who I am anymore but I guess I'll find out in the coming weeks... Please keep me and our kids in your thoughts - I seriously need all the positivity I can get right now.


I don't think he cares that you love and cherish the marriage. At this point you need to have some self-respect and stop catering to him and giving yourself false hope. If you don't you could end up in a position of full compromise and zero fulfillment of any kind. He doesn't want to be with you so you should not want to be with him because first requirement to want to be with someone is whether or not they want you. I'm sorry to be brutal, but wishing and hoping and catering to him isn't going to improve your situation. Getting some self-respect and going on with your life is the only thing that's going to help your situation. I feel bad for both you and the kids but it is what it is.


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## Sfort

Pam said:


> I am so sorry. It wasn't another woman... until it was.


Where'd you get that? Did I miss something?


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## Sfort

The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


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## Pam

I got it from being on this board for over 10 years. I've seen it over and over again.


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## Burndownthedawn

Sfort said:


> Where'd you get that? Did I miss something?


Not sure, I did ask him if there was another woman but he said no. I'm still not 100% sure, because who really can be, but as of now I can only take him at face value. 

I wish I could understand. I do appreciate that another poster said basically to respect myself first. I'm trying to do that, it's just hard to get tough love when you're not even close to over someone else. There's no closure for me and I still don't understand. Maybe I never will. It's just a waiting game now of seeing where exactly this goes. Such a waste.


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## 3Xnocharm

Asking if they are cheating is completely pointless, do you really think they’d tell the truth? He is showing all signs of an affair. Have you done ANY sleuthing at all on this?? I agree that finding your self respect is crucial here. Seriously... If he changes his mind and decides to do you the high honor of staying with you... WHY would you still want him? He has proven to you, cheating or not, that he has zero respect for you and no real love. If he were to stay with you, it would only be because it would benefit him in some way, not because he actually wants to be with you. 


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## Hopeful Cynic

Burndownthedawn said:


> He went to the house without telling me while I was at work and scooped up stuff for the kids. Doesn't want me to see them this week... and he's making it pretty clear he's not interested in reconciling right now. So, balls in his court. I'm going to start getting my affairs in order and see if sometime in the next few weeks he has any sort of change in heart after I go silent for a while. This is really the worst possible feeling, I desperately wanted us to figure it out but you can't save a marriage alone I guess. Someone send me some positive thoughts that he will change his mind and give us a shot. Or that I will be ok on my own 😔


You're right, a relationship is something that BOTH people need to be all in to fix. It's not like a group project that can still succeed if one person does all the work and the other person slacks off. You don't have him doing the work, and there isn't anything you can do to change HIM.

And honestly, if you don't have a spouse who is all in, you don't have a marriage worth saving. You can fall down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why he's doing this, or you can focus that mental energy on yourself.

Make a plan. Come up with a list of actions you can take instead of just sitting around in shock. Figure out everything that needs to be divided. Figure out a budget for yourself based on only your income. Decide where you'll live. That sort of thing. Taking control of your future will help you envision being okay. And you will be okay, after the initial shock subsides.

As for his kids, send goodbye messages to them. Tell them you love them dearly, and you're sad that their dad has made this decision, and you'll miss them, and you hope to remain in touch if they need another listening caring adult. Whatever his feelings about you happen to be now, they still love you as their stepmom. They are not going to be able to just turn that off, and are going to be very affected by his actions.


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## DownByTheRiver

Burndownthedawn said:


> Not sure, I did ask him if there was another woman but he said no. I'm still not 100% sure, because who really can be, but as of now I can only take him at face value.
> 
> I wish I could understand. I do appreciate that another poster said basically to respect myself first. I'm trying to do that, it's just hard to get tough love when you're not even close to over someone else. There's no closure for me and I still don't understand. Maybe I never will. It's just a waiting game now of seeing where exactly this goes. Such a waste.


Life isn't fair, but that's why it's doubly important to treat yourself with respect and expect respect from others as a requisite for being around them. Some people will stoop as low with you as you will let them, and even good people won't always love you or be suitable for a longterm relationship just because those are your own needs. You have to be your own advocate, not bend to what other people want trying to make them stay. Be the best you can be -- for yourself. It's all hurtful. It's only more hurtful if you just keep giving and giving something someone doesn't want and can't appreciate for whatever reason. So set your boundaries and be strong. Cry at night if you want, but you be strong and do what you need to do to keep your life on track and not let it crumble over being sad.


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## Burndownthedawn

He's still in the headspace of "I still feel the same way and I feel more like myself these last few weeks" while he's been away from me. He's agreed to talk on monday, I know all the consequences of getting my heart broken and being sad. I know that I should be more concerned about myself right now but I can't help that I desperately love and want to be with him. 

Is there any advice anyone can give on reconciling? Anything I can do better to give us every chance? Please please be kind. I have had the tough love talks - I just want to be given some small ounce of hope here 😔


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## Livvie

Burndownthedawn said:


> Long long story short - I met my husband at 20, and his two sons (then 8 & 4) he was 25 and a busy man! We dated two years, were engaged for 2 years and now we are going on 3 years of marriage.
> 
> We built an empire out of his business, and we moved 1.5 hours away to be closer to it. I left my family and friends behind twice for him (once before he owned a business and once after). We bought a house together about a year and a half ago. Everything was fine.
> 
> I clearly missed something because we got in a small fight where I was frustrated that he doesn't pay attention to me because he's always away on business (yes truly away, I've gone with him before, it's not another woman). He told me I don't support him enough and I'm not appreciative enough. He threatened to leave and being honest - I convinced him to stay. I told him I didn't want to throw away a beautiful family and all that we've built over a stupid argument. That we are stronger and we are meant to be with each other. I truly believe that us even meeting and being together was literally 1 in a billion chances.
> 
> Its been a few days now, and he's still sleeping in our bed, still cuddling but not interested in kissing/sex/affection really. I am actively working on myself. I have identified what I need to fix, and have been doing everything I can do appreciate him. I am doing all the things I haven't done in a while... I have written love notes, made breakfast, made extra time for us, left him surprises, sent him nice messages, dressed up for a date night... I've made a serious effort. I also haven't criticized him or even really offered any opinions because I know he's frustrated. He says he doesn't want to be "persuaded". I told him to take some time and that I wouldn't talk directly about our issues again until he was ready. He's away all next week, so that will be his thinking time I guess.
> 
> I'm trying very hard to prove to him I'm working on myself for him but I'm terrified he's going to leave and we will lose the very strong marriage we had previously. Up until a few months ago everything was literally fine. Even two weeks ago things were fine - he just said he had a lightbulb moment and wants to be alone. I don't know how to tell him that I want to fix the lightbulb not replace the house, without "persuading him"
> 
> Sincerely, we had the best marriage - goofy and fun, so much affection and love, everyone told me how much we were perfect for each other... Now I feel like I'm drowning. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything without breaking down.
> 
> I just keep thinking that I'm never going to see my stepsons again, and we'll lose the house and I will have to start rebuilding my life from scratch - all without the person I love so deeply and truly. He's my person.
> 
> Any advice would be so appreciated.


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## Trident

You need to just go dark and leave him alone. You can’t force him to want to be with you and the more you chase the more he will pull away. If he comes around looking, play it cool and take it slow. Meanwhile work on yourself and think about changes you need to make going forward. You’ve gotten advice similar to this from other posters and you haven’t been receptive which is understandable but the truth is you have no other choice.


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## 3Xnocharm

We generally don’t do false hope here. We want what’s best for each other and most of the time what’s best isn’t what you have convinced yourself that you need or want. 

I can see from out here that your husband is done with your marriage. I believe there is another woman. I’ve been where your husband is. I’ve also been where you are. A marriage can’t work when only one person wants it. My wish for you is to find your self respect and realize that a man who doesn’t want you isn’t worth fighting for or hanging onto. 

I think the only shot you have is to show him that you can live without him. Let him go without a fight and busy yourself living your own life. Let him see you thrive without him. I guarantee the harder you fight for him and suck up and throw yourself at him, the further away you push him. Treat him like a casual acquaintance. Look for the 180 here on TAM (I will try and find a link) Don’t let him use you or take advantage of you. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I’ve done this dance and I know what you’re feeling, and I hope we help you find your strength. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58

The more you show him his old life and woman is there to fall beck on. The more he will head the other direction. Getting mad and moving on is the best way to change his mind. However, he’s got another woman and you better be thankful for unanswered prayers. He sucks


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## Al_Bundy

Right now, he just might want to be on his own and free to build his business as much as he can so he can live the life he wants 5-10 years from now. There's nothing you can do to change that. He's building his future and it doesn't include you.

As others have said, self care is the most important thing for you right now.


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## Blondilocks

Go into surveillance mode on him. Very, very few men will up and leave their wife unless she was cheating, not having sex with him or abuse of some kind was going on UNLESS they have a woman waiting in the wings.


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## oldshirt

There is a real chance he is using this “alone” time to consult his lawyers and accountants etc in drawing up a divorce plan. 

You should be doing the same. 

You don’t actually need to file right now if you do not think it is warranted at this exact moment; but you do need to be able to depend yourself and protect your own interests if it is coming to that. 

If he is as successful and has a much business savvy as you say, then he has access to some very good attorneys and accountants etc and is getting legal and financial advice that benefits him. 

You have the right and the responsibility to protect yourself and if he is pushing for time away from you and for a separation from you, it is not for your benefit. 

You need to start circling your wagons and preparing to advocate for yourself and your own best interests.


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## Burndownthedawn

oldshirt said:


> There is a real chance he is using this “alone” time to consult his lawyers and accountants etc in drawing up a divorce plan.
> 
> You should be doing the same.
> 
> You don’t actually need to file right now if you do not think it is warranted at this exact moment; but you do need to be able to depend yourself and protect your own interests if it is coming to that.
> 
> If he is as successful and has a much business savvy as you say, then he has access to some very good attorneys and accountants etc and is getting legal and financial advice that benefits him.
> 
> You have the right and the responsibility to protect yourself and if he is pushing for time away from you and for a separation from you, it is not for your benefit.
> 
> You need to start circling your wagons and preparing to advocate for yourself and your own best interests.


Not to worry, I have already had a consult with a lawyer and I have a plan together. I also spent some time thinking about financial security and what I would need to do. Some of my planning will be dependent on what I end up with, and what he wants. While I am actively doing something, I'm also open to compromise if he ever feels like talking about it. Should he ever grow a pair. 

He swore he'd text me today and tell me what time he'd be over tonight so we could talk, but he once again broke a promise and didn't even have enough respect to tell me he wasn't coming. 

I'm getting far closer everyday to saying **** this guy and being done. I felt more like myself than I have in years after I talked to the therapist. Funny how we don't always see things that are right under our noses. I appreciate everyone being so kind here, and not sugar coating stuff.


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## aine

joannacroc said:


> I had an ex tell me I wasn't supportive enough. It means different things to different people. I thought I was being super supportive in action, but what he wanted was a lot more pep talks and appreciation. I have tried to get better over time at positive affirmations for others but that is so I can grow as a person. In the end we weren't compatible.
> 
> Maybe it's cultural. To an English person a grade on a paper of "satisfactory" is quite good, and about average. To an American that reads as "really s%*$" and "just adequate." Giving praise to Americans, I have to remember to be WAY more effusive than I would naturally be.


It is not just Americans. I am married to an Asian and he needs praise for any little thing but doesn't give it in return. Sometimes expectations are too high.


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## aine

Burndownthedawn said:


> I feel looking back on texts, messages, cards, I was very appreciative. I wrote notes and called and did everything in my power to love him. I uprooted my whole life and moved hours away to be close to his work for him which I felt was an ultimate show of support. He thinks I'm unsupportive in that I need quality time and my anxiety makes me frustrated when he calls to tell me he's not coming home from a big job. I am genuinely working on my anxious attachment but when we moved here I had no support system and he became everything. He feels smothered even when I feel like it's not. I'm trying to understand his side and be flexible to change.
> 
> 
> Also yes, I called my mom who is here with me.


1. why did his first marriage end? It sounds like he was very young when he got married? He is only 32 now?
2. How did you two meet, after his divorce?
3. How close is he to ex wife (anything going on there?).
4. Sounds like he may have met potential number 3? Men normally do not look for separations unless someone is waiting in the wings. Go into investigation mode.


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## aine

Burndownthedawn said:


> He went to the house without telling me while I was at work and scooped up stuff for the kids. Doesn't want me to see them this week... and he's making it pretty clear he's not interested in reconciling right now. So, balls in his court. I'm going to start getting my affairs in order and see if sometime in the next few weeks he has any sort of change in heart after I go silent for a while. This is really the worst possible feeling, I desperately wanted us to figure it out but you can't save a marriage alone I guess. Someone send me some positive thoughts that he will change his mind and give us a shot. Or that I will be ok on my own 😔


So sorry Burndownthedawn, I cannot imagine what you are going through. Your H sounds like an absolute coward and it also sounds like he may be going back to his ex wife/mother of his kids. if he was having an affair with someone else, she wouldn't want the kids around them yet.
Please go see a lawyer to see what your rights are and then tell his family and your family what is going on so he has less time to come up with a story. He no longer has your best interests at heart, so don't believe anything coming from him. He is the enemy and this is a war.


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## Burndownthedawn

Good point Joanna, I removed this because it's too specific and no one had quoted it yet.


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## joannacroc

P.S. Be careful not to post anything identifiable on here like the photo of family for example, if you wish this to remain anonymous.


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## aine

Burndownthedawn said:


> He's still in the headspace of "I still feel the same way and I feel more like myself these last few weeks" while he's been away from me. He's agreed to talk on monday, I know all the consequences of getting my heart broken and being sad. I know that I should be more concerned about myself right now but I can't help that I desperately love and want to be with him.
> 
> Is there any advice anyone can give on reconciling? Anything I can do better to give us every chance? Please please be kind. I have had the tough love talks - I just want to be given some small ounce of hope here 😔


You need to leave him alone
YOu need to investigate him to see if there is someone else
You need to do a very hard 180 on his ass
You need to stop pining for this excuse for a man.
You cannot nice him back into the relationship
it would be remiss of any of us to give you any advice on reconciling with this man as it would be akin to asking you to be a doormat. The quicker you see this the better for you


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## Marc878

Go online and check your phone bill.


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## In Absentia

Not sure why this thread has been revived... the OP hasn't been on the site for the last 12 days...


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## MattMatt

@Burndownthedawn How are things?


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## DownByTheRiver

Burndownthedawn said:


> He's still in the headspace of "I still feel the same way and I feel more like myself these last few weeks" while he's been away from me. He's agreed to talk on monday, I know all the consequences of getting my heart broken and being sad. I know that I should be more concerned about myself right now but I can't help that I desperately love and want to be with him.
> 
> Is there any advice anyone can give on reconciling? Anything I can do better to give us every chance? Please please be kind. I have had the tough love talks - I just want to be given some small ounce of hope here 😔


Desperation is not at all attractive to anyone, and that's why now you need to put your own self-respect first and not take scraps from him. People won't give you respect unless you set boundaries that require respect. This is why overly accommodating people attract those who will take them for granted and just take advantage of that with little regard for their needs or feelings. They're just following your lead.


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## Burndownthedawn

MattMatt said:


> @Burndownthedawn How are things?


Messy. His family got involved, he's refused to make time to talk about our home or telling the kids. I continue to go to therapy and learn, which has been good. The therapist basically got to a point where she was like "he's either cheating, or a sociopath because he's not understanding emotion in a way that makes sense and he's moved forward too quickly". It clicked a lot of things into place for me when she said that. He's living with his mom, taken off his ring, has been caught lying to me, we haven't talked in a week, he won't even do the bare minimum and discuss the kids and house... But yet when I saw him and the kids a week ago for a few hours (long story, also messy) as I was leaving he gives me a big hug and says "what's wrong, you look upset"... of course I'm upset, I'm being forced to leave the love of my life and my stepsons. The forever I thought I had. Grieve the family and life I've lost. 

He just appears to be done and I'm tired of being tired. My friends have been so supportive and my therapist is god send. I'm just trying my hardest to pick up the pieces slowly and figure out what forward looks like. I tell ya though, the waves of emotion are still crazy. Last night I felt so good and at peace, and today, I'm back to "what I wouldn't give for one more kiss, one more day..." but I know that's how grief works. I am just hoping that this extreme depression/anxiety dissipates. 

It's been the hardest 2 months of my life.


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## MattMatt

We will, of course, be here for you, @Burndownthedawn


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## Sfort

Burndownthedawn said:


> of course I'm upset, I'm being forced to leave the love of my life


How can someone who treats you like crap be the love of your life? Isn't it time to rethink that label? 

Since he has built an "empire" out of the business, be sure to get your share. Don't be too generous. When the truth comes out about what his motivation is to leave the marriage, you will be sorry if you are reasonable and generous. Get whatever the law in your jurisdiction permits.


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## 3Xnocharm

This is true, I really have learned this the hard way. I wasted the last almost six years of my life fighting for someone I loved to love me... don’t be me. Be strong and know you deserve better. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Burndownthedawn

Back with a small update

The kids finally know (as of 6 weeks ago) and that was incredibly difficult. They are heartbroken. They already went through one divorce with their bio parents and now this is going to be another hurdle for them. I'm doing what I can to be available to them but it's hard when they're so far away. I think that's my biggest pain point now. 

Therapy is coming to a close, as it was a free service and only for ten weeks. So that's a little frustrating, I can't afford to pay for anything else so that's trying. 

Stbx has been quiet, as have I, but when we do talk it's only about the separation and kids. I got confirmation a while ago he was seeing someone so now I'm 99% sure he was cheating. Y'all were right and I think I knew that but it was hard to accept. That definitely helped flip the switch from missing him to thinking he's a jackass with no respect for our marriage. 

Settling into single life again but it's definitely a financial stretch since I don't have much help from the ex anymore and I'm the one in the house. 

More or less I just feel lonely, even though I'm seeing my friends now more than I ever have. Not sure how to fix that feeling but I guess it takes time. 

We're trying for mediation now but it's not going to be super fun, and my emotions have evened out a lot but I still have some pretty rough days. 

Just wish he hadn't wasted the last 7 years of my life... It's genuinely been the hardest thing I've ever gone through emotionally and I've overcome some massive obstacles. This one just hit me differently. 

Anyone with more advice would be super welcomed. I don't post here often because I'm trying not to think about it all too much but I'm still checking in here and there. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me... I promise I really do take all of it to heart.


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## Blondilocks

Gently, you need to start distancing yourself from his children. The new woman won't understand your relationship and all you're doing is keeping yourself in pain. Just thank heaven that he is her problem, now.


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## Evinrude58

Burndownthedawn said:


> Long long story short - I met my husband at 20, and his two sons (then 8 & 4) he was 25 and a busy man! We dated two years, were engaged for 2 years and now we are going on 3 years of marriage.
> 
> We built an empire out of his business, and we moved 1.5 hours away to be closer to it. I left my family and friends behind twice for him (once before he owned a business and once after). We bought a house together about a year and a half ago. Everything was fine.
> 
> I clearly missed something because we got in a small fight where I was frustrated that he doesn't pay attention to me because he's always away on business (yes truly away, I've gone with him before, it's not another woman). He told me I don't support him enough and I'm not appreciative enough. He threatened to leave and being honest - I convinced him to stay. I told him I didn't want to throw away a beautiful family and all that we've built over a stupid argument. That we are stronger and we are meant to be with each other. I truly believe that us even meeting and being together was literally 1 in a billion chances.
> 
> Its been a few days now, and he's still sleeping in our bed, still cuddling but not interested in kissing/sex/affection really. I am actively working on myself. I have identified what I need to fix, and have been doing everything I can do appreciate him. I am doing all the things I haven't done in a while... I have written love notes, made breakfast, made extra time for us, left him surprises, sent him nice messages, dressed up for a date night... I've made a serious effort. I also haven't criticized him or even really offered any opinions because I know he's frustrated. He says he doesn't want to be "persuaded". I told him to take some time and that I wouldn't talk directly about our issues again until he was ready. He's away all next week, so that will be his thinking time I guess.
> 
> I'm trying very hard to prove to him I'm working on myself for him but I'm terrified he's going to leave and we will lose the very strong marriage we had previously. Up until a few months ago everything was literally fine. Even two weeks ago things were fine - he just said he had a lightbulb moment and wants to be alone. I don't know how to tell him that I want to fix the lightbulb not replace the house, without "persuading him"
> 
> Sincerely, we had the best marriage - goofy and fun, so much affection and love, everyone told me how much we were perfect for each other... Now I feel like I'm drowning. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything without breaking down.
> 
> I just keep thinking that I'm never going to see my stepsons again, and we'll lose the house and I will have to start rebuilding my life from scratch - all without the person I love so deeply and truly. He's my person.
> 
> Any advice would be so appreciated.


Well,
Wanting space and being away on trips..... almost certainly it’s another woman.
Chasing someone never works. You’d be better off filing for divorce and moving on. Either that will rattle him up and he will pursue you, or he will move on with his new thing.
Never think you know that there’s not another woman. People are fooled all the time. Asking for space/separation after a seemingly meaningless argument..... almost always another person involved. Very sorry.


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## BrandiArcuri

Burndownthedawn said:


> Long long story short - I met my husband at 20, and his two sons (then 8 & 4) he was 25 and a busy man! We dated two years, were engaged for 2 years and now we are going on 3 years of marriage.
> 
> We built an empire out of his business, and we moved 1.5 hours away to be closer to it. I left my family and friends behind twice for him (once before he owned a business and once after). We bought a house together about a year and a half ago. Everything was fine.
> 
> I clearly missed something because we got in a small fight where I was frustrated that he doesn't pay attention to me because he's always away on business (yes truly away, I've gone with him before, it's not another woman). He told me I don't support him enough and I'm not appreciative enough. He threatened to leave and being honest - I convinced him to stay. I told him I didn't want to throw away a beautiful family and all that we've built over a stupid argument. That we are stronger and we are meant to be with each other. I truly believe that us even meeting and being together was literally 1 in a billion chances.
> 
> Its been a few days now, and he's still sleeping in our bed, still cuddling but not interested in kissing/sex/affection really. I am actively working on myself. I have identified what I need to fix, and have been doing everything I can do appreciate him. I am doing all the things I haven't done in a while... I have written love notes, made breakfast, made extra time for us, left him surprises, sent him nice messages, dressed up for a date night... I've made a serious effort. I also haven't criticized him or even really offered any opinions because I know he's frustrated. He says he doesn't want to be "persuaded". I told him to take some time and that I wouldn't talk directly about our issues again until he was ready. He's away all next week, so that will be his thinking time I guess.
> 
> I'm trying very hard to prove to him I'm working on myself for him but I'm terrified he's going to leave and we will lose the very strong marriage we had previously. Up until a few months ago everything was literally fine. Even two weeks ago things were fine - he just said he had a lightbulb moment and wants to be alone. I don't know how to tell him that I want to fix the lightbulb not replace the house, without "persuading him"
> 
> Sincerely, we had the best marriage - goofy and fun, so much affection and love, everyone told me how much we were perfect for each other... Now I feel like I'm drowning. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything without breaking down.
> 
> I just keep thinking that I'm never going to see my stepsons again, and we'll lose the house and I will have to start rebuilding my life from scratch - all without the person I love so deeply and truly. He's my person.
> 
> Any advice would be so appreciated.


This sounds exactly like my situation right now. I felt every single word of this post. I just posted my first post. I don’t have any advice since I’m in the same boat but wanted you to know that I understand exactly what you are going through. _hugs_


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## MattMatt

Wanting space, wants to find themselves, etc, etc, etc.

What they usually mean is:-









It's not truthful to you, because they are cowardly.


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## Evinrude58

Just saw your post and saw that he had “met someone”, as I suspected.

some things that helped me:
I started running and working out. I felt better.
I started working on building a new life. Wrapping my head around the fact that I was misled and made to feel as though I was the terrible husband while my ex was chasing men.

OP,
I hope you get a favorable divorce and I look forward to you posting that you are happy, you w met someone new that treats you well and hate that you ever wasted your time thinking about your ex.
People that discard their spouse after “meeting someone” are undeserving of the kind of loyalty you seemed to have.
Don’t have any further contact with him. Let your attorneys have their way with him.

As a betrayed spouse myself, I know how awful the pain in and how the betrayal crushes your self esteem. But with time, you will feel better and get happy again. My hope is that it won’t take too long. Very sorry.


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## Burndownthedawn

Thank you Evinrude, I read that multiple times in the last few weeks. 

I know it makes no difference to my situation but I can't wrap my head around the following questions... Anyone think of a reason why? 

1) He didn't tell anyone, I have had to have and re-hash the conversation with dozens of people (when they ask "us" to do something, or call me looking for him) even his closest friend (his cousin) didn't know until he called me one day and we talked. That was only two or three weeks ago, and we've been living apart since April. 

2) he wants the divorce NOW, everything is centred on "how fast can we get a divorce?" even though I had told him it's a year from seperation. He doesn't even hesitate with that and I'm actually a little shocked. 

3) why am I still cycling grief and how long does it last usually? I'm moving along ok but I still have really bad days every once in a while.


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## Evinrude58

It takes a while, And while I was deep in it, I had no relief from the pain other thAn sleep. When I woke up, within seconds of consciousness I realized what had gone down and was back miserable. Honestly, I’d say 6 months to be somewhat functional, a year to get where I didn’t dread waking up, and two years to get over the pain. Luckily my ex was so lousy I had constant reinforcement of her lack of character. 

There’s nothing you can do. I did have my best friend’s mother to talk to when I was in a severe bind and she is luckily probably the only person I know that may actually be a walking, real life angel. Probably saved my mental health. I suggest finding someone who you can talk to who you completely trust. Pay a therapist if you can with insurance. It’s worth it not to repeatedly unload on your friends.

In time you’ll get to the point that YOU DON’T ****ing CARE. And it will feel so damn good not to. I was told I’d eventually get there by people here. I did and you will too. You’ll never reach a real why, but you will eventually get to the point you don’t care one way or another.

Something you need to remember: you feel right now you’ll never find another person to live like this. It’s not true. All the negative feelings you have about your life right now: they’re not true. You can make your life however you want it with enough work in the right areas.

I wish I could give you a hug and tell you you’ll feel better tomorrow. You won’t. But I can guarantee you will feel better a year from now. 
I know every day is hard. But I can also tell you with confidence that you will likely never feel this bad about the end of a relationship again. The pain you’re enduring absolutely will make you stronger and you should try to remember it. that way you’ll never pick another person like this again.

Best wishes that you feel better soon.
We humans that have experienced this have some major empathy for how you feel. I wish I could take some of that pain for you. All I can say is that it will pass. It just does it so slowly it’s hard to deal with. The good part is that you’re go to realize with time that this whole thing was a real blessing for your life. It will be easy to see when you’re patient and a good person comes along and shows you real loyalty and love. Hang in there partner. You’ll make it.


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## Prodigal

Burndownthedawn said:


> ...he wants the divorce NOW, everything is centred on "how fast can we get a divorce?" even though I had told him it's a year from seperation.


Just a guess here, but I'd say he wants to move in with his affair partner or marry her. Really sorry you are going through this.


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