# Wife threatening divorce



## husband1111

So where do I begin? My wife and I have been married for several years and we have had our good times and bad, but we seem to have more bad times over the years. She has threatened divorce in the past several times and seems to get closer and closer to going through with it each time. 

I love her very much and I don't want to lose her. I know I am not giving her enough attention. Most of the time I end up falling asleep after our children go to bed. She fills time with TV, video games, her IPAD. I try to do whatever she is doing with her in order to reconnect, but midnight passes and I just can't stay awake as long as she can.

I admit I am terrible at planning things and I don't do enough to plan dates and to plan them well. There have been many dating disasters over the years, even our first date was a disaster. I am amazed that she even stuck around this long.

We don't have sex much anymore, one instance she'll tell me I must be gay and in another instance she will badmouth me for hours because she caught me eyeing another woman in public. I think this is part of a larger problem for me. I get tired at night and this is the only time window we really have where kids or work are not interfering. The other issue for me I think is selfishly my ego as I don't feel comfortable around someone sexually if I already think she thinks I am a loser. 

Our finances are a wreck. Pretty much every aspect of our relationship is in shambles. She says I never help around the house. I try to do dishes, even cook on occasion, but I am no master chef, but she does seem to appreciate it when I cook something even if it is just a steak or something. 

I don't have much of a support system. I don't really have any friends in the area that are outside of our circle that I can confide in. I especially don't feel comfortable confiding in anyone we know when she basically tells me that everyone thinks I am a loser and that she should leave me. I don't want to involve family, that is a whole different thread. Let's just say that any advice I get there will be tainted and will only make things worse down the road. 

Not sure where to begin, or where to go from here.


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## husband1111

Now she is texting me telling me she wants to separate. I am running out of ideas? How am I supposed to react to this, because if I say I need her then I sound too co-dependent and needy. If I don't respond she will think I don't care, and if I beg her to come back, well let's just say that is what I end up doing each time and this is where it ends up.


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## Almostrecovered

well separation isn't a good idea imo, it should be work on fixing things together or divorce as separation is usually just a way of prolonging the inevitable or a way for cheaters to have their freedom to continue their affair while staying married


a few questions for you-


have you investigated the possibility of an affair (do bear in mind some affairs are "emotional" and often carried on thru the internet)?

have you asked her if she would be willing to work on the marriage with counseling or some other avenue of help?


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## husband1111

have you investigated the possibility of an affair (do bear in mind some affairs are "emotional" and often carried on thru the internet)?

That is a real possibility, but please explain this concept of emotional affair before I go any further.



"have you asked her if she would be willing to work on the marriage with counseling or some other avenue of help?"

We have gone through counseling a few different times with money getting in the way of seeing it through past 1 or 2 sessions. For each time, she looks back on each one as me not following their advice and them telling her there is no hope.


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## GTdad

You definitely don't want to beg or plead. Part of me wonders if that's exactly what she wants from you, and I'll get back to that in a minute. I think the best thing you could say is "Wife, I love you and I want to make this marriage work, but I can't force you to be in this marriage. I'll be staying in the house and I'll help you as much as I can to get you settled into a new place." Stay calm, cool, and collected throughout.

I'm no shrink and don't want to talk too much about stuff I don't know much about, but have you ever looked up "borderline personality disorder"? Some of the stuff your wife has said to you, and the fact you seem so beaten down, makes me wonder about your wife. Of course, maybe she's just mean.


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## Almostrecovered

husband1111 said:


> have you investigated the possibility of an affair (do bear in mind some affairs are "emotional" and often carried on thru the internet)?
> 
> That is a real possibility, but please explain this concept of emotional affair before I go any further.
> 
> 
> 
> "have you asked her if she would be willing to work on the marriage with counseling or some other avenue of help?"
> 
> We have gone through counseling a few different times with money getting in the way of seeing it through past 1 or 2 sessions. For each time, she looks back on each one as me not following their advice and them telling her there is no hope.


you can learn more about EA's in the newbie link in my signature


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## husband1111

If I tell her that she can leave she will see that as me throwing her and our kids out to starve on the streets since her job is commission based and she does not make a profit in her current situation. To top that off the cars are loaned to her name so she will throw that back in my face too.

She has kicked me out in the past and I have had to spend nights alone in a hotel when it has gotten this bad in the past and then became accused of taking a vacation from marriage..... argh!


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## GTdad

husband1111 said:


> If I tell her that she can leave she will see that as me throwing her and our kids out to starve on the streets since her job is commission based and she does not make a profit in her current situation. To top that off the cars are loaned to her name so she will throw that back in my face too.
> 
> She has kicked me out in the past and I have had to spend nights alone in a hotel when it has gotten this bad in the past and then became accused of taking a vacation from marriage..... argh!


Make it clear that if she chooses to leave, the kids stay home with you. You can make it work. Don't get bogged down in panic-thinking, start making a plan.


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## husband1111

Almostrecovered, where is the section that discusses EA?


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## Almostrecovered

The bottom of the 3rd post shows how they progress


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## Entropy3000

Don't go for separation. Either work on things or move on. 

You guys are disconnected.

Men generally are more interested in sex when under stress. One exception to that is financial stress.

What would I try to do? I would sit down with her and discuss the routine you guys are in. You should not be waiting for sex / intimacy as a last thing before crashing for sleep. Much of that TV, Ipad and other stuff is mindless wasted energy that leaks your life away.

I suspect she is doing those things as a diversion or as part of shutting down from you. I am not blaming you. I amsuggesting you can give this one last significant chance. Bad habits are hard to break. 

You guys should be spending quality time together. Not wasting it on iPad and TV. Those come afterwards. Try to take a shower together earlier in the evening BEFORE getting ready for bed. Try massages. TV turned off. No distractions and so on.
Go out on dates. But her comments indicate she is looking for you to be more agressive as a man and take charge of the marriage sex life. 

I do admit the iPad could mean an EA. It is probably just something for her to do without you. So you do need to investigate. If there is an EA separation can be a way to take it to a PA.

Do accentuate the positive. If you are a decent cook and she appreciates it make a big deal out of doing this and involve her in some way where you are not isolated from her. 

Don't accept that you cannot plan well. Grow in this area. if you think you suck ..... you will. Start small. baby steps. Plan something simple and do it. Learn for both your successes and your mistakes, but do not give up. This is an area where effort does matter. She needs to see the effort.

In no way am I trying to get you to go extreme Beta. You need to be the Alpha guy who takes change but has the right Beta skills with it.


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## husband1111

I did look at the wikipedia article for EA. I know that my wife doesn't do this in person, but over the internet is very possible. She keeps in contact with ex's via facebook, who are also married. She seems to cite conversations with mutual friends that didn't take place AFAIK especially when it comes to marital advice, but that could just be her reading a forum like this one and pinning it on a friend to add credibility. Who knows. 

Or it could all be in my head.


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## Almostrecovered

Hit the home button of the iPad twice, it will list the most recently used apps. Check any social games like scrabble to see if she chats with anyone


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## Almostrecovered

Uh oh, she has contact with exes on Facebook?


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## husband1111

yes this is quite familiar:

"How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How now she sees that they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after..."


So when she asked if it was ok to talk to ex's (even though I don't) I take it I should have said no. Even to my former best friend she seems to be having this level of conversation. 

I've caught him prying before and told him to mind his business.


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## Almostrecovered

You need to start spying and check out the CWI section, this doesn't look good


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## Entropy3000

husband1111 said:


> yes this is quite familiar:
> 
> "How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
> How you ruined her life
> How she made a big mistake marrying you
> How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
> How now she sees that they were really meant to be together
> How she desperately has to get away from you
> How she's definitely going to leave you
> How she's talking to divorce lawyers
> How they're going to live happily ever after..."
> 
> 
> So when she asked if it was ok to talk to ex's (even though I don't) *I take it I should have said no. * Even to my former best friend she seems to be having this level of conversation.
> 
> I've caught him prying before and told him to mind his business.


Not only NO but HELL NO. This was a big mistake. Exs are totally off limits. No contact at all. So all of this stuff has to end before you can work on the marriage. She is wanting to separate to continue her affair.

Insitgate, Isolate and Escalate. Separation is Isolation.


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## husband1111

On the other hand this is just leaving me more confused than ever. Facebook wasn't always around for EA to take place, so I want to say that it is probably not the source of the problem here. 

Also, all of these "ex's" are out of state so I don't think that those situations would get anywhere. 

The question is what can I do to fix this?


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## Almostrecovered

Well first get proof

Does she only use the iPad or does she a computer? Do you know her passwords or is she secretive about everything?


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## husband1111

I know her passwords, but she gets made when I log into her accounts and she clears her chat histories when I walk into the room. I am pretty sure she wipes them clean even in the message history. Pretty thorough. I don't want to come to spying, and I am IT savvy and know how to track her every move if I want her to but I don't want to make her feel like I don't trust her. Perhaps I am taking the wrong approach though. :scratchhead:


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## Almostrecovered

Every time you post, the more I am becoming certain she is having an affair

Deleting chat histories before you see them is a HUGE red flag. 

Stop the worry over violating her trust, you are doing this to protect your marriage. If you are a savvy IT guy then start snooping without her knowing. 

At this point I suggest you start a thread over in CWI, many of us can help you with confrontation and a plan once you find something


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## Almostrecovered

couple of tips-


keylogger is a must for computers

you can try a VAR in her car as most cheaters will make secret phone calls there as they feel safe

if she syncs the ipad and iphone to a computer instead of using icloud then you can retrieve any texts she makes in the back up files, I can help if you need it


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## husband1111

Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This also makes sense, not just with her relationship with me but with her family and friends. 

So this could be the root of the cause and the EA the consequences.


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## Almostrecovered

well if that's the case then you're in trouble as BPDers rarely seek help or ever admit to it


here's someone who dealt with a BPDer who had an affair

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/29373-distressed.html


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## husband1111

Based on the symptoms I may also have it. So we are just totally messed up!


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## Almostrecovered

well dont be an arm chair shrink just yet

one step at a time, I would think her response to your discovery would be telling

that said, then why dont you get IC for yourself?


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## husband1111

What I find ironic is that I catch her checking my phones as if I were the one having the affair. She can check them all day long I have nothing to hide. 
If I check her phones and email to help her answer clients she will otherwise blow off, then I am the bad guy. 

This is a lot to digest. I need to stop reading.


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## Almostrecovered

that's called "projection"

she figures if she is capable of engaging in appropriate behavior then everyone must be and therefore you too



take a breath and calm down


formulate a plan


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## keko

Almostrecovered said:


> couple of tips-
> 
> 
> keylogger is a must for computers
> 
> you can try a VAR in her car as most cheaters will make secret phone calls there as they feel safe
> 
> if she syncs the ipad and iphone to a computer instead of using icloud then you can retrieve any texts she makes in the back up files, I can help if you need it


This. 

Do all of these, instead of wondering what her mental state or if she is having an affair or not. Get the evidence first then think about your options.


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## husband1111

keko said:


> This.
> 
> Do all of these, instead of wondering what her mental state or if she is having an affair or not. Get the evidence first then think about your options.


I had to take a walk. She sits there blasting me for not calling and checking on my kid when she spent the entire day texting me about what a terrible person I am while I am at work. I try to call and check on them on the way home and no answer and now this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko

husband1111 said:


> I had to take a walk. She sits there blasting me for not calling and checking on my kid when she spent the entire day texting me about what a terrible person I am while I am at work. I try to call and check on them on the way home and no answer and now this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Next time she threatens with divorce take her offer on it. Not seriously but on the outside. Look cold/emotionless. I bet she will be in a big surprise and her behavior will drastically change.


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## husband1111

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husband1111

keko said:


> Next time she threatens with divorce take her offer on it. Not seriously but on the outside. Look cold/emotionless. I bet she will be in a big surprise and her behavior will drastically change.


I have done that once and now I have that added to the long list of reasons of why I am such a useless *******
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husband1111

Actually I don't know if you can consider it a secret affair when she is flat out telling me she wants to cheat on me. She is half way there already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko

husband1111 said:


> Actually I don't know if you can consider it a secret affair when she is flat out telling me she wants to cheat on me. She is half way there already.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For your own sake, can you start monitoring her.

If you act, you can prevent things but if you just whine and complain you'd be kicking yourself years down the road.


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## husband1111

Why monitor. She is admitting to doing it! Apparently she shares intimate details about her sex life to ALL of her exes. The proof is her ken testimony. So now what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko

Divorce, what else can you do. 

Have her served without her knowing, maybe if you're lucky it'll be the last wake up call for her, if not go on with D and don't look back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unhappy2011

Dude, why do you let her talk to you like that? 

You let her talk down to you and she has lost all respect for you.

You should be pissed. Put her in her place. If she does not like it, then good for you. That means you get to be single and **** a bunch of chicks. Thats how it works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

husband1111 said:


> Why monitor. She is admitting to doing it! Apparently she shares intimate details about her sex life to ALL of her exes. The proof is her ken testimony. So now what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell her this is unacceptable and she must go NC with these guys immediately. The go to your lawyer and have the papers drawn up.

But I suspect you will rant some more and then go What should I do.


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## synthetic

Do you have any respect for yourself? How can you allow someone to talk to or text you like that? Are you really that much of a loser?

Grow some balls and tell her to f*** off. Serve her with divorce papers and laugh at her face for being the heartless idiot she is.

She can go share all her nastiness with her exes while you enjoy life without having to answer for every move you make or don't make.

For God's sake man, grow some balls already.

She wants to separate? Help her pack a suitcase and give her a kiss on the cheeks while wishing her lots of luck. She'll need it.


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## Toffer

husband,

For the love of God, please tell you've started the process to divorce this woman.

She is toxic to you

Time to move on and find happiness!


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## Almostrecovered

you arent being very clear here

are you saying you confronted and she admitted it?


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## husband1111

I guess I posted to the wrong thread or maybe the wrong site because I thought this was talkaboutmarriage.com not talkaboutdivorce.com

Whether or not she is threatening this, it is something I don't take lightly. Perhaps some suggestions on working this out was what I was looking for.


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## keko

husband1111 said:


> I guess I posted to the wrong thread or maybe the wrong site because I thought this was talkaboutmarriage.com not talkaboutdivorce.com
> 
> Whether or not she is threatening this, it is something I don't take lightly. Perhaps some suggestions on working this out was what I was looking for.


She doesn't respect you, you dont respect your self, so no this can't work out like this. You need to man up and divorce her.


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## notperfectanymore

husband1111 said:


> I guess I posted to the wrong thread or maybe the wrong site because I thought this was talkaboutmarriage.com not talkaboutdivorce.com
> 
> Whether or not she is threatening this, it is something I don't take lightly. Perhaps some suggestions on working this out was what I was looking for.


I sent you a PM....good luck....you are in tough territory if indeed you are married to a BPD, which it sounds like you are...

Hang tough....it WILL get better


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## wfmarried4life

I think the real question to you is...Do you still love your W? In spite of all the mean things she has said and all the private information she has shared to ex's, do you still love her and want to be with her?

As a couple, you are ONE! She should not be calling you a loser, because in essence, she's calling herself a loser. One of the most important things (in my opinion of course) is to always honor your spouse especially not putting him/her down in front of others.

I don't know if you are religious or not, but you might want to check out the Christian movie "Fireproof." Watch it together. You don't even need to tell her what it's about ahead of time. It's actually a very good movie. There is also a book called "The Love Dare" which is at the heart of the movie. I can tell you that these two things have helped to save my marriage within the last year and half. When I watched the movie, I realized some things that I was doing to upset my husband too, and we were able to open up to each other unlike we have ever done in nearly 20 years together.

Sometimes when one half of the relationship isn't pulling their weight, the other half has to pick up the slack. I understand there is sort of a time limit on that though. It drags one down for sure. Maybe it's your time to pick up the slack for her.

Another thing - to me, if you don't trust your spouse, what's left in the relationship? I wouldn't bother all the spying, etc. I would flat out ask her what the heck is going on. You should know her well enough by now to tell from her reaction if her answers are BS. She may try avoidance of the conversation too. You'll have your answer one way or the other.

I Do believe in marriage and wish you the best.


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## synthetic

husband111,

Trust me I know what you're going through, my wife threatens divorce all the time and I'm sick of it, but to be honest, I wish my wife was doing just some of the same things your wife is doing. It would make it so much easier and such a "no brainer" for me to send her packing.

I'm not a pro-divorce person at all. In fact, I'm at odds with many members here who advocate divorce as the very first solution to every situation. I'm dead against divorce and don't really believe people who claim to have "fallen out of love" with their spouse.

Your situation though calls for a massive wake-up call for both you and your wife. That wake-up call I'm afraid may end your marriage as it stands today. In fact, right now, you don't have a marriage. You have a codependency. She's not carrying her share of the weight as far as honesty, kindness and responsibility go. 

You cannot force her to see the light. You can only force yourself to remain sane by limiting your exposure to her destructive cannon balls.


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## Almostrecovered

husband1111 said:


> I guess I posted to the wrong thread or maybe the wrong site because I thought this was talkaboutmarriage.com not talkaboutdivorce.com
> 
> Whether or not she is threatening this, it is something I don't take lightly. Perhaps some suggestions on working this out was what I was looking for.


so what really are your options then?


you cant control her


you can only control yourself and present consequence when boundaries are crossed, if it doesn't work then at least you have your answer if it is salvageable or not


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## husband1111

Almostrecovered said:


> so what really are your options then?
> 
> 
> you cant control her
> 
> 
> you can only control yourself and present consequence when boundaries are crossed, if it doesn't work then at least you have your answer if it is salvageable or not


Thanks to notperfectanymore for the info on bpd. This explains a lot and hopefully it will help us.


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