# Now I've Signed as Well - it's effectively done, so why don't I feel better



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Many of you know my story, so I won't re-do it here. She signed the divorce papers Tuesday and I went in and signed yesterday afternoon. It was weird seeing her signature on the pages. She never called or texted to tell me she signed and she still hasn't and yet she was in such a rush about the whole thing. 

I was hoping I would feel relief by this event, but it just hurts still. She has made no attempt of any kind to check in or see how I'm doing. There has been virtually no contact of any kind over these last three weeks since she moved out and I'm sure she and her man are just living it up, while I'm left to pick up the pieces and figure out exactly what did happen.

It still shocks me so much that this woman - who asked me to marry her last August - is capable of just turning off her emotions like a light switch. It is still so surreal to know we just got married in April (she had already been emotionally engaging the other man at that time) and two months later she wants out, two days after that talk, she's moved (I am told she moved right in with the other man), and now three weeks after that we have both signed the divorce papers. And now, this woman who lived with me for two years, dated for three, and married for two months has completely shut me or anything to do with me completely out of her life. Just a complete shutdown and departure and all in a relative flash. It's amazing. I wouldn't be surprised if I never heard from or saw her again in my life.

This is the woman who called me her soulmate and said she loved me like she's never loved anyone else and that she can't see her life without me ever when SHE proposed to ME. This is the same woman that on Valentine's day posted over 200 sticky notes around the house with sweet, romantic, loving notes just everywhere. Then around some time in March - just before the wedding - it all started to change. It was about that time one of the OM's best friends implored me not to marry her and that if she wasn't cheating already, she will with that OM and that this OM (also severe alcoholic, like her), will never give up pursuing her because he feels like I "beat" him with that girl - yes, my STBX was his ex-girlfriend.

It's so confusing still to me. I mean I know her ex was really putting the press on her, but what kind of person lets another man in enough to start the emotional attachment to begin with? We had talked about her being in that bar and around him a hundred times and she would always get mad at me for even suggesting that she shouldn't be around him.

I also found out that she had recently had full-on relationships with other women, just before I came along. Just such a dark twisted person. So as far as I can tell it, her ex - the OM - starts to put the full press on her before the wedding (actually right after we got engaged), filling her up with "you're the one that got away, you're my biggest mistake letting you go" etc. (my STBX actually told me that he had told her some of these things!). He keeps up the pressure, meanwhile, I'm expecting her to act like a woman in a committed relationship and not hang out at bars by herself until 2-4 o'clock in the morning. She tries to resist, but the attraction of being back with a man that cheated on her and wants to make amends along with the promise of the full on party life with no accountability and no responsibility was just too much to resist.

I guess I'll never know for sure, but there is something for real wrong with that girl. I just wish my heart would catch up to my head, so I don't have to still be sad and confused about it anymore.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Look, I get that the abrupt changes since your wedding and the quick divorce have shaken you, but I've got to think that this result is better than finding out 5 years down the road that she's been cheating on you the whole time. It's like the band-aid analogy - it's just been ripped off, so your pain is intense right now, but from where I'm sitting it looks like you'll be better off without her in your life.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

we know you are hurting. But understand this...you dodged a huge bullet. 

The woman who you thought loved you is really an emotional child. No mature, emotionally developed, rational woman would dump her loving, long term boyfriend for an ex and dissolve her marriage so abruptly. 

Betterman...understand and get this through your skull....

There is something very, very wrong with her. She is either emotionally stunted and immature or she is flat out nuts. I think it is a combination of both, but because you have had your love blinders on you were unable to see it. 

It will take you a long time to heal from this betrayal. You will bleed and hurt, but remember that pain is simply weakness leaving the body. You will come out of this stronger, better and wiser.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Please realize that her excessive efforts to convince you she was in this for realz were probably theatrics as much for herself as for you.

She didn't just fool you, she fooled herself too.

Live and learn. It will get better.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

My ex wife asked me to marry her as well
She asked me to move in 5 months after meeting her
She said the same things your wife said...the sweet, romantic stuff
She hung out at bars after she left...at the age of 44
She engaged in sex with women as well, like yours
She didn't text to see how I was doing after the break up
She lived it up while I picked up the pieces too
I was fooled, as you were
Many, many similarities here...she didn't leave me for anyone particular...she had fun first, and now is with someone.

The only difference is...I put in 9 years of marriage first

I know you cant see this now, but you are quite fortunate to have this happen this early and not later...

Take it from someone who got blind sided much like yourself...take care


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Please do some self analysis to understand why you picked a woman like this to begin with. It doesn't sound like she changed much after you married her so if she was like this all along - an alcoholic, going to bars all the time, living the lifestyle that you described - what about that appealed to you? You met her friends, you knew about her ex... you must have had a clear picture. What blinded you? 
You need to understand all this in order to not make the same mistake twice. Get yourself in a healthier, better place. As the others said, you dodged a bullet relatively quickly.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

SARAHMCD said:


> Please do some self analysis to understand why you picked a woman like this to begin with. It doesn't sound like she changed much after you married her so if she was like this all along - an alcoholic, going to bars all the time, living the lifestyle that you described - what about that appealed to you? You met her friends, you knew about her ex... you must have had a clear picture. What blinded you?
> You need to understand all this in order to not make the same mistake twice. Get yourself in a healthier, better place. As the others said, you dodged a bullet relatively quickly.


Yes...focus on what sarahmcd said...

I picked mine because she was a "bad girl"...always fun, edgy, sexy, risky. But, I thought she could stay like this when married WITHOUT straying or getting bored...thought she could enjoy being a bit bad while staying faithful. It didn't work this way, and I was silly to think this. This edginess and devil-may-care attitude flowed into wanting more without being tied to a husband...eventually. She took it many steps further and I should have seen the signs, but I was duped into thinking her pretty little mind could stay focused on me in the meantime. This was immaturity and selfishness from her...and naivety from me. I have to learn to find someone who is more focused on being my wife and partner than being an attention seeking extrovert with no boundaries.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Lloyd, Bandit, and marduk, thank you all very much for your responses. As always, they are spot on. Yes, there is something very dark going on inside of my STBX. As bandit has pointed out in the past, she has a very difficult and dark road ahead of her. I think that alcoholism and addiction are just the surface symptoms of something else very dark going on in there from her childhood. Which leads me to...

SARAHMCD, thanks to much of the input from the wonderful people on this Forum (especially bandit), I have been doing just that, self-reflection as well as counseling. Indeed, there were numerous red flags to start off with - numerous. However, when we first met she was on the "program" from getting her second DUI, so she wasn't drinking. The drinking and interacting with those people and all the other darkness very gradually increased and subsided in ever-escalating cycles after a very "clean" and clear first 8 months or so when she first moved in. It was almost like she was two different people in cycles. As marduk stated, she had us both fooled - me and herself. She does have a really wonderful side when she is clean. However, aside from the cheating itself, the level of coldness and deceit she is capable of is scary. The complete lack of emotion at times and the fact that she can just turn it off like a light switch is also scary. 

Clearly, I have much to address myself related to why I stayed in it as long as I did. Right now, however, I am still grieving a betrayal, rejection, and abandonment that occurred in a very sudden, super-fast and completely resolute fashion (no interest whatsoever from her side to try counseling, etc.). And it's been very tough to let it go. It has just been three weeks now since she moved out and did just sign the divorce docs, which I know is another trigger. My head knows what's what, but my heart (and if I'm being honest with myself) and my ego have been badly hurt.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

deg20 said:


> Yes...focus on what sarahmcd said...
> 
> I picked mine because she was a "bad girl"...always fun, edgy, sexy, risky. But, I thought she could stay like this when married WITHOUT straying or getting bored...thought she could enjoy being a bit bad while staying faithful. It didn't work this way, and I was silly to think this. This edginess and devil-may-care attitude flowed into wanting more without being tied to a husband...eventually. She took it many steps further and I should have seen the signs, but I was duped into thinking her pretty little mind could stay focused on me in the meantime. This was immaturity and selfishness from her...and naivety from me. I have to learn to find someone who is more focused on being my wife and partner than being an attention seeking extrovert with no boundaries.


Yeah, there was some of that with mine too. Very similar. Especially the part about her wanting to be completely free and unaccountable to the relationship. I had seen a prolonged "good time" with her and even her family and friends commented that she was the happiest they'd ever seen. However, edgy girls with addiction and psychological problems, no matter how pretty and confident they seem on the outside, will almost always eventually sabotage anything really "good" in their lives because subconsciously they don't really feel worthy and/or deserving of good things.

I, like you, was also fooled into seeing and believing what I wanted to instead of what was real. And her casual lying along with her narcissism really had me questioning myself - it was just kind of surreal. 

I need to remind myself that her words and her actions are no reflection on me and who I am - in other words, even though it's really hard, I need to not take this personally. Her path really has nothing to do with me or who I am. Easier said than done.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Betterman...its almost like youre in a parallel world with the same woman I was with...the casual lying was huge...actions not matching her words is another...very pretty woman yet she most likely felt she didn't deserve goodness or loving, caring treatment from a man, or found this lame and uninspiring.

I still can't wrap my head around this type of behavior or psychological problem. I guess I know that if I ever had a good, faithful woman who put 100 % into a marriage and focused on me and our happiness as a tandem, Id do my damndest to make something worthwhile like that last forever.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Betterman. consider yourself to be lucky. As everyone have said, you dodged a huge bullet. you did not wasted precious time. Get better and find someone who will cherish and truly love you. At the end of the day, you do not want to be with alcoholic for the rest of your life. Let her OM suffer, o.. he will.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Never ever try to climb inside the head of an alcoholic or addict. It is real estate populated by lies, fantasies and excuses. 

Like I said, any woman I end up with would have to be very strong. I can stay sober for years and years, then all it takes is for me to take my hands of the wheel for a moment and it is total relapse...bingeing and drunk for weeks on end. Ugly to behold.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Bandit, it takes a really big man to be as candid and forthcoming as you have been. One of best friends is also recovering alcoholic and he has very similar things to say. He believes that her situation is especially bad because of childhood abuse. When you talk about lies and fantasies and excuses, that really hits home for me. I am usually very intuitive despite having bought in to my STBXW. All throughout our relationship there were cycles when she "felt" honest and sincere, then there were other cycles where she "felt" dark, deceitful and sneaky - almost dangerous. My body was picking up all the vibes and feeling physical discomfort when she was lying and sneaking around. But my heart was believing someone who was capable of abject deceit while looking you straight in the eye and not even flinching. 

deg20, it is strange how similar the situations are, but I'll bet there's lots more just like us.

I am so grateful to everyone that has responded. It really helps me climb out of my down moments (which are all about my ego feeling a big hit - it's not even really about her, it's about betrayal, regret, embarrassment, etc.). When I have my moments of clarity and lightness (and I believe they are SLOWLY coming around more often) that I realize that her behaviors, words, and actions really have nothing to do with me. In weaker moments, I take it personally and it brings me down. When I have clear moments, knowing that her actions have only to do with her own baggage and programming and not me, I actually can have a moment of feeling bad for her, because as bandit has said, she has a dark, difficult road ahead of her in life and she doesn't even think she has a problem. 

Unfortunately, all too often still, I have many more moments where I think about what I could have done better (even though I don't think it would have changed anything), I think about maybe she was really telling the truth all those times, maybe she didn't really "cheat" cheat on me, maybe her addictions aren't really that bad. It's just crazy and stupid thoughts and moments, but they happen. It's like I am trying to make her out to be deeper and more feeling and emotional than she is . Of course she lies, of course she cheated, of course she is incapable of emoting, feeling, and/or exploring inside herself - she hates doing that. 

Strangely, it probably had to happen this way to really stick. Had I left her during her previous cycles or said no when she proposed, I probably would have regretted it and tried to get her back and we would have done that dance over and over again for a long, long time. It sucks right now (by the way, is it ok to still be grieving after three and a half weeks?), but this is really the best way for all of this to have gone down. I just need to get her completely out of my heart and my mind.


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