# Confused and need clarity



## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

As I have posted previously, my husband asked for a divorce 3 months ago and we are still living in the same home, as we just got the house ready to sell. The realtors came last night to take pictures and get the house on the market. Unfortunately, due to rain and traffic, I was 30 minutes late. I texted my husband to let him know I was running late. When I got there, the realtors already did the photos and my husband signed all his documents. I signed my documents and the realtors left and put the "For Sale" sign on my lawn. Like that wasn't traumatic enough!

Well, after they were gone, my husband stomped around the house, slamming doors and giving me dirty looks. I questioned why he was slamming things and giving me evil glares and he started screaming at me, that I was "unprofessional" being late to the house and continued to call me horrific names  and told me to stay away from him. I decided to stay in the guest room last night as I just didn't want to be anywhere near him. 

This morning, he came into the guest room, apologized to me for yelling and screaming and he wasn't mad at me at all. He was mad that "they were in our home" - meaning the realtors. :scratchhead: Hello???! YOU want the divorce and YOU want to sell the house? So why are you taking your anger out on me? I do not understand why he is lashing out on me? I really need some advice on how to handle this. I am so hurt.


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## sms0422 (Jun 27, 2013)

I understand your feelings, as I have been in the same situation recently myself, with my husband giving me the divorce talk 3-4 months ago. My thoughts are that he is deflecting all his feelings onto you. It isn't his fault; it is yours. He wanted the divorce and wanted to sell the house and move on with his life. You are accepting of this and not fighting him on it - by the way, good for you - which creates even more of a tornado for him. 

Only person he lashes out at is the person who he can - you. Stay strong, my friend.


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

It has been pretty peaceful here this weekend. My husband continues to try to interact with me and showing me care and comfort, as he knows I am extremely distressed over this entire situation. I was so strong earlier this week but the house going on the market threw me through a whirlwind of panic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This sounds like a man who said "I want a divorce" and is not regretting it but feels like the ball is already rolling and doesn't know how to stop it.

The fact that he hasn't moved out when HE wanted the divorce speaks volumes to me. And then he was angry about the house sale.

SOMETHING is going on in that man that doesn't have anything to do with you but prompted him to jump the gun and say he wanted out.

Ask him if he really wants this. I asked my STBX and he admitted he didn't. Nice. Oye. Oh the web we weave...


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

That girl is exactly correct "There is something going on inside this man's head.

Was is a complete suprise to you that he wanted out ?

How long have you been together ?

How old are you two ?

Do you have children ?

More importantly what do you want ?


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## kezins (Aug 25, 2013)

Sounds like he needs some therapy or medication. Maybe it's a good thing you are splitting up before it gets worse.


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

It was a huge shock he asked for a divorce. There was no warning - a bad fight over past drama and then boom! Divorce. Won't go to counseling with me unfortunately. I am going alone. It's both of our second marriages. No children. He is 10 years older than me. Together for 6 years - married for 3. He would threaten divorce during fights before but I always felt he was trying to scare me and it was the whole "shut up" factor. 

I know it's easy for outsiders - my family and friends - to just say for me to move on and I deserve better. I was doing really well with just taking care of myself, moving towards emotionally detaching but the whole house sale threw me off balance. It's finally becoming clear my whole life is changing and there is no hope for us anymore. It's just sad to me and his anger towards me makes it worse on me. I didn't want this divorce or to sell our home. He created this. If he should be angry at someone, it's himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

that_girl said:


> This sounds like a man who said "I want a divorce" and is not regretting it but feels like the ball is already rolling and doesn't know how to stop it.
> 
> The fact that he hasn't moved out when HE wanted the divorce speaks volumes to me. And then he was angry about the house sale.
> 
> ...






My husband is extremely stubborn. He will cut off his nose to spite his face in every situation, unfortunately. I think he feels embarrassed/ashamed about his behavior these past couple of months and doesn't have the strength to face my family or mutual friends after asking me for the divorce. Even if he has doubts about whether he truly wanted a divorce from the get go, he will never admit that nor stop the process going forward. 

I still haven't gotten a real answer as to why he asked for the divorce. He was just unhappy and we aren't compatible. :scratchhead:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

slb121 said:


> My husband is extremely stubborn. He will cut off his nose to spite his face in every situation, unfortunately. I think he feels embarrassed/ashamed about his behavior these past couple of months and doesn't have the strength to face my family or mutual friends after asking me for the divorce. Even if he has doubts about whether he truly wanted a divorce from the get go, he will never admit that nor stop the process going forward.
> 
> I still haven't gotten a real answer as to why he asked for the divorce. He was just unhappy and we aren't compatible. :scratchhead:


Sounds like my STBXH. I've come to the conclusion that I have to be OK with never getting a real answer, because I'm never going to get one. Either he doesn't know the real answer, and he's making up BS reasons to rationalize it to himself, or he's not willing to admit what the real reason is (to either himself or anyone else).

In real life, you don't always get the "closure" that you're looking for. And what counts for "closure" doesn't always help; sometimes it does more damage than good.


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Thank you for your response FIP. It is comforting to know that I am not the only one who is getting vague reasons for the D. 

I am definitely in need of closure here. However, just as you said, I highly doubt I am ever going to get the real reason he thinks divorce is the only option for us. I have to accept that I am trying to put together a 300 piece puzzle with only 100 pieces. Unless my husband ever gives me the 200 other pieces, I am unable to have a complete picture.

It is so bizarre that my husband walks around the house, like nothing is changing. We had two showings on our house on Friday and another three tomorrow. Plus, we have an offer on the table but the offer is way too low so we aren't accepting it. He has not even began to look for a new place to live and when I mention that I am starting to look for an apartment, he tells me it is a waste of time to look now as our house sale will take 60-90 from the time of the contract which gives me plenty of time to look for a place. HUH? I do not know what planet he lives on but usually you close on a house in 30 days. We did when we BOUGHT our home??!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Yeah, I have no idea what any of that means. Much of my STBXH's behavior strikes me as totally illogical, too.

I would say, keep looking for a new place, and start packing up your own stuff in preparation. My guess is that once the place sells, you'll be well prepared, and he's going to be panicking.

If you haven't already, get started on that 180 (I saw your other thread, but didn't read all the way through). And just focus on yourself. You may never get any real answers from him, so don't worry about it. Take care of yourself.

*hugs*


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Thank you! I have counseling tonight which I could not be more grateful for. Especially with the house on the market right now, I totally feel myself spiraling out of control. It is so sad to not only lose the love of my life but losing my home on top of it, makes me feel so empty and alone.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I know how you feel... though I'm not losing my home. But I'm losing the love of my life and my best friend. Whenever something good happens, I want to tell him; when something bad happens, I want to tell him. We moved to a new city 9 yrs ago, and because I was investing so much time working (f/t) while finishing my BA (p/t) and then getting my MA (p/t), I never invested much time creating a social network for myself. He was my social network, and introduced me to people he met through work. So when we split, he took all our friends with him. It can be very lonely, and make you feel alone - which I think makes one more vulnerable to the emotional pining.

So then I remind myself of all the sh!t he put me through, and how I'm only remembering the good things. I remind myself that this is nostalgia, not reality, and that the man I thought I married doesn't really exist. My participation in our relationship was genuine, but his participation was based on pretending to be something he wasn't and deceiving me from the very beginning. (EDIT: He's not a bad guy; he just has REAL co-dependent issues, stemming from childhood trauma. I'm not blaming or name calling. It just is what it is.)

When I get started on that, it does help me break past the loneliness, because it reminds me of why I am here in this place right now. I am here in this place right now because there was a part of me that said, "This marriage is bad, and he keeps ignoring my concerns. I deserve better than what he's giving me, and that's only going to happen if he changes or if this marriage ends." Ultimately, he's not able to change, so the marriage had to end. And this is just part of that process. It sucks right now, but I will come out better and stronger on the other side - as long as I don't get hung up on nostalgia and self-pity.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

And considering everything, he wasn't really a good friend, either. He says that he wants to remain friends, but that's not going to happen. If he was just a "friend" and not my husband, I might have ended things years ago. (Although, he always prioritized his friends over me, and treated them better than he treated his wife, so maybe... :scratchhead: )


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