# Everyone's on board but me. Should I just give in?



## Gem

Figured this is the best place to post this.
My boyfriend and I have been living together for 11 months (next month is our 1 year aniversary). Through this time all of our cousins have had more children (both his cousins and my cousins). While with him I've gotten pregnant twice and miscarried both times. I had never been pregnant before so I was scared and worried, but he supported me and made me feel less scared and knew what to do since his siblings are far enough apart that he was old enough to remember and help when his mom was pregnant, but he started constantly complaining and crap when I started showing symptoms and crap. But anyways, once we hit the 6 month mark his family started pressuring us to have kids and get married, but I ignored it. But now my family has started pressuring me aswell. The thing is, my family doesn't even like my boyfriend but they're urging me to at least have 1 kid with him. To be honest, the pressure is really getting to me. I've had depression for a long time and within the past 2 years I've been able to get off of medication and stop counciling and live a full happy and normal life. But all of this pressure is starting to send me back into depression slowly.

And just recently my boyfriend has started talking more and more about kids. Always asking "If we had kids..." It seems like everyone is on board with us having kids but me! I was raised that you wait until you're in a good marriage to have children, you make sure that things between you and your husband are good and that you can afford to have a kid before you even consider having a child. But since my cousins have gotten pregnant and had kids it seems as though what I was taught is just thrown out the window. Even my own mother is telling me to stop living a fantasy dream of being married before kids. In boyfriend's family it's a norm to have kids without ever being marired (his grandparents were together for 40 years before they got married), and it's considered the norm to have kids when you're very young.

I just feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. I want to have kids when I get married, I want to make sure that when I get married my husband and me can support each other and a child. I was raised by a single mother, I know how difficult it is, especially when the father doesn't pay child support. I saw all the struggles my mom went through without anyone to help or support her, I don't want that. And the thing is, I even explained this to my mom and she took offense to it. But anyways, I'm getting pressured to have a kid from all sides, and the thing is, I know I'm not going to get married to my boyfriend, he believes that "marriage is just a piece of paper that makes breaking turn into at least $100,000 expense."

What gets me though is that it seems like I'm the only one who is still keeping in mind that children are expensive, yes I've heard that it is very rewarding to raise a child and all, but it's expensive as hell and right now my boyfriend and I are just barely making it by, so we sure as hell can't afford a kid. And my boyfriend seems to only think of how much 'fun' kids are and how life will be when they're about 5 and older. He seems to skip the diaper years, the tantrums, all of that.

I don't know what to do!! I'm sticking to my guns, but I don't know for how much longer I can. Should I continue to hold out or just give in to everyone?


----------



## turnera

Those people are CRAZY!

Good grief! Do NOT give in. Don't you have plans in life? Goals? Are you going to college? Take care of your OWN future and tell them all to jump in a lake.

I would NEVER have a child with someone I've dated less than at least 2 or 3 years. It takes that long to really know them and know whether you want to spend your lives together. And no one should bring children into the world unless their parents will stay together.

That's just insane.

btw, the 'norm' they are describing is NOT the norm!


----------



## WantsHappiness

This (substitute “good marriage” for long-term commitment if you must):


> I was raised that you wait until you're in a good marriage to have children, you make sure that things between you and your husband are good and that you can afford to have a kid before you even consider having a child.


This:


> I want to have kids when I get married, I want to make sure that when I get married my husband and me can support each other and a child. I was raised by a single mother, I know how difficult it is, especially when the father doesn't pay child support. I saw all the struggles my mom went through without anyone to help or support her, I don't want that.


And this:


> yes I've heard that it is very rewarding to raise a child and all, but it's expensive as hell and right now my boyfriend and I are just barely making it by, so we sure as hell can't afford a kid.


Are all the proper and mature ways to handle deciding when to have children. Anything else is incredibly irresponsible. These people are pressuring you for their own gain, to meet their own needs (for grandchildren or cousins for their kids to play with, etc etc). Believe me I know about that. H has been unemployed on and off for the past year and a half but MIL has been pressuring us to give her a grandchild for three years now. You need to do what’s right for you. Continue sticking to your guns! You have a very good head on your shoulders and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise!

Check out the thread in this section about the current costs to raise a child. Print it out and give it to your bf, maybe it'll knock some sense into him.


----------



## tamara24

No, do not give in. First of all a baby is a huge responsibility and you want stability in order before that happens.

If you have it in your head that you want to be married and settled before making such a commitment, then do it! This bay will effect your life more so than grandmas or your boyfriend. Once you are a mom, you will get that. You are the one that has to take care of the little darling not them. I know there are plety of guys that are honorable and would stand in front of a train for their child, but you can scan other posts here and see for every good guy there is a bad one. He could walk away at any point.

You will know when you are ready to take that step. If you have to question it, it is not the time. If the boyfriend wants a baby then maybe he needs to meet your need of a committment first before he makes a comitment to a child. His mom should stay out of it. You are not married and not required to present her with a grandchild. Your mom had a tough road and her dreams may have been squashed but that does not mean she should encourage you to give up on your dreams.

You need to do what is best for you.


----------



## Gem

Thank you everyone for your replies, it's really nice to know that I'm not the crazy one. I did print out the thread that shows how much it costs to raise a child, I showed it to my boyfriend, he tried to argue that the emotional reward is greater then the costs, I stopped him in his tracks and had a conversation about how things would be if we had a kid. He would have to pick up all the slack that I'm not, and also help with the baby. The baby wouldn't be like a puppy, just play with it a few times until you get tired and then give it away. I also informed him how all of the freedom he has now would be gone. I told him that I'm not going to be like his mothers of his friends' kids, I will make him take care of the child, if we break up he will pay child support and if he refuses then I will take him to court, and I also told him that if I did have a baby then I would have that baby with my family around me; in California (across the country) and he would be going with me there.

I'm glad to say that he's backed off about the baby thing, he values his bank account and his freedom too much.


----------



## turnera

Sounds like a real winner.


----------



## Mom6547

Good job! May you be an instrument of personal growth for you bf! In any event, you have a good head on your shoulders.


----------



## henrietta

What about the relationship? You have been living together and you don't seem to want to marry him. I think maybe you should think about why you are in this relationship.

I would definitely say no way on the baby until you are both ready. The relationship has to be rock solid first.


----------



## unbelievable

Let's analyze this.... His main objection to marriage is that it makes break-ups expensive but he wants kids (which are far more expensive). Living together and having his kids is a pretty sweet deal for him. Doesn't give you much in the way of security. Sounds selfish to me. He had trouble dealing with your pregnancy related complaints for the first six months but he's gonna be just an ideal father when the baby's sick or annoying? 
You may be the only character in this play that has any sense. If he isn't committed enough to walk down the aisle with, he's not committed enough to make human beings with. A dad's job is considerably more important than just paying child support (and I rather suspect this man would be unlikely to do even that of his own free will). People shouldn't make kids they can't afford. It's just irresponsible.
Find someone with a couple of 2 year olds. Invite them to drop off their toddlers at your house for a week while they go on vacation. Assign your boyfriend primary babysitting duty. By the end of the week, I bet all his parental longings will have disappeared. If your other family members want babies, they know how to make them.


----------



## michzz

Read this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family...-cost-raise-child-thru-college-355-906-a.html


----------



## greeneyeddolphin

You mention having gotten pregnant and miscarrying twice. First, I'm sorry for your loss. Second, get some more effective birth control if you don't want a baby yet. Moving on...

I got pregnant with my oldest child while living with my ex-husband before we got married. While I love my child to death, I wouldn't have done it that way if I'd had the choice. It was a massive birth control failure, in my case. 

I think you are on the right track. Stick to your guns. If your family doesn't like it, too bad for them. It's your life, and a child would be your responsibility, not theirs.


----------

