# need some understanding and advice



## helpme13 (Nov 12, 2008)

I've had enough and I want out. courage health happiness


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

He needs to cut it off or you cut him off. If he loves you as he says, he should have no problem cutting off with her. These things start out innocent and end up in a full fledge affair. This happened to me. My wife had a "friend" that was married and they ended up having sex on multiple occasions. You do not want that to happen. That is alot harder to get over. Put your foot down! Good luck.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

sending a dozen red roses, calls and txting all the time.
thats more than an emotional affair. theyve had plenty of time for him to send flowers.
i agree with magicsunset08. put your foot down either that or get a male mate to send you a dozen red roses and see how your hubby thinks then.
either way - im sorry, what a rotten thing to do against you.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

In order for a spouse to reconnect with their partner the EA must end. There is no way around it. He is seeking/getting something from her the he is missing at home. Love, support, attention, ego strokes….? She is married also so that complicates it further. Read all you can on emotional affairs so you have a good understanding of it and confront him with your knowledge.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:

He is clouded by his obvious feelings for her and he might be able to brush it off as an innocent friendship but he has completely lost sight of loving, honoring and cherishing YOU in the process. How has he reacted to your hurt? 

You don't deserve to be in a marriage where your husband's thoughts are with another woman. He's definitely getting something from her that he feels has been missing (attention, feeling desirable, someone he feels he can talk openly to, etc.) and until he's willing to talk about what those things are and end the friendship with her to work on these things with you, he will continue on with this fantasy (when you don't live with the person and deal with finances, day to day issues I believe you have this fantasy that this person is somehow perfect for you)


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

magicsunset08 said:


> He needs to cut it off or you cut him off. If he loves you as he says, he should have no problem cutting off with her. These things start out innocent and end up in a full fledge affair. This happened to me. My wife had a "friend" that was married and they ended up having sex on multiple occasions. You do not want that to happen. That is alot harder to get over. Put your foot down! Good luck.


You're right in this sense. I totally agree with you that he's got to cut it off, but in all honesty will this work? Not by itself. It's kinda like having 1 of the ingredients of the 5 that's required to bake a cake, and our aim is to bake that cake. In this scenario helpme13 wants to turn this relationship around so they're both happy. She's probably feeling jealous to some extent and wants the same attention the husband is giving to the other woman, but right now she's scared and she doesn't know what to do. Fear is holding her back. 

The situation the husband is in, is one that he's addicted to. Dropping an addiction without finding a replacement isn't going to solve the problem.

Currently the husband has at least 3 of the 6 human needs being met with this other woman. I'll quickly list what the 6 are. 

1. Certainty
2. Variety
3. Significance
4. Love and Connection
5. Growth
6. Contribution

1-4 are personal needs of the individual while 5-6 are needs of the spirit.

*helpme13, which of the 3 (or more) needs do you think your husband are having met by the other woman?*

Amplexor is exactly right when he says



Amplexor said:


> He is seeking/getting something from her the he is missing at home. Love, support, attention, ego strokes….?


So helpme13, now that you know that he's addicted to another woman, how do you approach it?

Very basically, you need leverage, interupt his pattern and give him a new meaning. Right now he's getting a lot of pleasure from what he's doing, and it's overriding the pain he'd experience from doing it. What you need to do is to change his perception that if he continues with the relationship that it will be too painful and coming back to you will equal to more pleasure, more than what he's currently getting so he'll want to change.

Now I'm not sure how you're going to do this, but you're going to have to get creative and commit to getting your husband back. I'd like to suggest whatever you do that it's not only obtainable, but also sustainable. There's no point in getting you husband back in the marrage only to loose him to resentment because he was forced to give up something that he didn't want to. He'll just find another external means to meet his needs. That's an example of an obtainable result, but not a sustainable one for your marrage.

A point to start is probably best to understand things from his point of view. So going back to the 6 human needs, what I'd like you to do is to pretend you were him and score the relationship he has with you.

To keep things simple, we'll keep the scores of each category from 0 - 10. 0 being absolutely none, and 10 being asolutely abundant.

So in his eyes, in the relationship he has with you:

* How much certainty does he have with you?
* How much variety does he have in the relationship with you?
* How significance does he feel?
* How much love and connection does he have with you?
* How much is he growing in this relationship?
* How much contribution does he feel he's making to grow the relationship?​If the average scores are 1-3 you have a room mate, if the average scores are 4-6 you have a friend and if the average scores are 7-10 you're both happy and in love.

So if you want to meet his human needs here's a few questions you can ask to help illicit the answers:

* What would give your husband absolute certainty about the relationship you have with him and how can you have fun with this?

* What's something you can do that provide variety that he'll respond to in a great way?

* How can you make your man feel absolutely significant and happy that you're source for it? Make him feel like he's #1 in the world and no one else matters

* What could you do to help him feel a deeper and meaningful love and connection with you? That you both bind together and act as one?

* What could you do that will make your man feel like he's growing and become a greater man all because of you?

* What could you to make your man feel like he's important to the growth of the relationship and feel like he's your source of growth and happiness?​Now things may not always work out the way you planned (first time, every time) right? So let me give you a few tips on how to stay the course.

* Get clear on what you want to acheive out of this

* Know why you're doing this. If you don't do it, how much pain will it give you? If you do this, and recover your marrage, how much joy and happiness will you receive?

* Take note of the results you're getting

* If you're not getting the results you want, change your approach. If it's too serious, try having some fun with this, try changing your tone, how you look into his eyes, how you touch him, where you touch him, etc.

* Keep trying until you get the results you want​You'll need to commit to this exercise and see it through for at least 90 days, otherwise you'll be going back and forther and it just won't have the effect or momentum.

I should also mention there's 3 levels of relationships to bring your awareness up on where it is and where you need to be.

The 3 levels of relationships are:

Level 1 - Where you're both in the relationship for your own needs
Level 2 - You're in a relationship for exchange. An example is, I'll give him this if he'll give me that
Level 3 - When you're both giving to the relationship unconditionally​The stage where you'll need to aim for is level 3 to make any real impact on the relationship. If you commit to level 3 and meeting (this is important, meeting his needs, not what you think he needs) for the next 90 days, the chances are he'll no longer will feel the need to go to the external woman. If you've absolutely given your all after 90 days and your needs aren't being met, you can have a talk to him then on what your needs are and what you must have in a relationship to be happy. In all honesty, If you do that, worst case is he would have had the most incredible experience in his life that he'll never find again, and the truth is, you would have become such an incredible woman that any man would want to have. He'll be nuts not to want to give you more and love you more. I'm betting helpme13 you posted this because you love him and you want to see this through.

So let us know if you're willing to commit and see this through. If you're hesitant or you're not sure, you probably don't have a strong enough reason why. Find out why you MUST do this and you'll succeed. If you have any questions, need clarification or someone bounce ideas off, feel free post back to pm me.


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## helpme13 (Nov 12, 2008)

Everybody enjoy life as I move on and try to enjoy it myself


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I have been in your shoes. Although with my husband (41) it was the 18 year old babysitter. At first they were "friends" she wanted advice on guys she liked and he was like her older brother. He felt flattered. I didn't like it. I did say something and he said "its not like that". Yeah it was, not right away but they eventually had a full fledged affair. So now I constantly think what would I do differently and why did he have this affair when he loves me? When the affair was going on, he still had relations with me but he also told me he was no longer "in love" with me and it was not as passionate as it once was. Now looking back, he said nothing was ever gone just dormant and he had a big role in that. He didn't work for it, he wanted the easy way, a clean slate. Also something new and different, variety as Greatmindset referred too. 

I have changed and today I would never let this happen to me again. I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me and when I confronted him about things I knew were going on he got angry and turned it on me. 

Regret is a useless emotion...having said that since you are in a similar situation...if I could role the clock back what would I do differently? There were plenty of clues that were inappropriate even if he wasn't having sex with her (in your case the texting and roses are not appropriate). When I confrotned him and he got angry with me, I felt guilty and like itt WAS my fault. So I went about pleasing him. Didn't help at all. He kept messing with her while I was caring for kids, cooking him dinner, taking care of his business and he did nothing but sneak off with her.....

When I found definate proof, I'd had enough. I called him told him I knew and to stop lying. Actually he was at that moment at the movies with her. I told him I knew he was with her ... he denied it but said "do we need to talk about this now?" No, I said, not if our marriage is over there is nothing to talk about. He said then its over and hung up. For me that was the end, he said so right? I told her entire family (they were neighbors) he showed up in the middle of this. I was suprised "you said it was over, why are you here?" I told him to leave and he did. I then had the locks changed. I was filing for divorce Monday morning. DONE. CAPUT. In fact I felt RELIEVED I was no longer being made a fool of. How could I go on with my life and maybe one day find a happy relationship if I was still married to someone like him? 

It tore me up, it was hell but on the other hand I needed to do it for me and yeah even our kids. 

When he lost everything, he realized he screwed up big. It took him only an hour to figure that one out. He began calling, texting. I did not answer. He sent a friend over to check on me and asked me to call him. I did eventually and he said "what do I need to do to fix this, I will do anything". He meant it and he has tried very hard ever since. I told him right there if he lied to me again, it was over and if he couldn't commit 110% to fixing this, and it would be hard to do, then don't even start. I also told him no guarantees. He agreed to all of this. 

Why didn't I do this earlier? He went places with her AND my kids! He lied to me and then turned it on me "I didn't tell you because I knew how you'd react!"...so I would let him do things that killed me inside and would not confront him. Why? I didn't want to drive him away. 

The other side of this is to understand something was broken. Here I have no regrets. I committed to saving my marriage during this period before I found out for sure about the affair. He pulled away so I didn't smother him but I would try to connect with him, started some new hobbies and surprised him with date night. I changed my attitude becoming a very positive person despite the hell I was going through. It was working, he was coming back. I also saw the change in his personality about the time the affair began, he was short tempered and unhappy, miserable even. When I changed, I made a difference. I realized I could still make him laugh and make him happy. I savored those moments. Yet he was still going back to her (I found out later)...I think I would have eventually pulled him back but maybe not before I was worn out. 

So in your shoes, I'd commit to saving the marriage first by being posivite. Regardless if he's being an ass, do this for you. Find a group (for me I found friendship and support in a single mom's group) and a new interest. Do these, don't make all your happiness dependant on him. Then surprise him with date night, do something fun and spontaneous and no talk about relationship issues just remember how you used to have fun and bring that back. One person can make a difference. Try to figure out what is missing and fulfill that. You can fulfill variety, try some new things to in the bedroom. 

If he continues to send flowers, tell him that has to stop it hurts you. You also have to be prepared to leave him if things don't change. You are worth more than that. I would also suggest that you try marriage counseling, with the previous addiction he may have more to overcome here than typical and may need some guidance to do that.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

AZMOM,
your reply was simply brilliant! your story deserves to be told over and over again. i so respect you for you bravery, strength and candor! bravo! and thanks for STANDING UP for the sanctity of marriage in the face of what could have been terribly tragic. you are a hero, and don't forget that.


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## helpme13 (Nov 12, 2008)

It's time to move on in life good luck to you all


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

helpme13 said:


> I have since gone and spoke to the other women, she broke off all times with him but now it him pursueing her, he hasn't been able to stop. Some of the other ladies in the office have noticed the same thing. They told the other women to look out because he's married. She said they are just friends and now wants nothing more to do with him since we spoke.


don't be offended by my use of the word "chick" 'cause where i come from in this use it's a word of admiration...

ANOTHER CHICK WHO TOOK THE BULL BY THE HORNS!!!! nice job!!!!

any fallout from your husband yet?


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

helpme13 said:


> I have since gone and spoke to the other women, she broke off all times with him but now it him pursueing her, he hasn't been able to stop. Some of the other ladies in the office have noticed the same thing. They told the other women to look out because he's married. She said they are just friends and now wants nothing more to do with him since we spoke.


Good move helpme13. Glad you took action. Now you need to replace his addiciton to the other woman now. Removing the other woman won't completely solve the problem, depending on the level his needs was being met, your husband is going to have some resentment. Be prepared for it. He's going to feel like you've taken something away from him, and he still has needs to be fulfilled. Now I'm not saying what he's doing was right, it's downright disrespectful to you. I do understand human behaviour tho. Now's the time to fill his 6 needs on scores of 8-10s, fill that gap so he doesn't need to go elsewhere externally to the marrage to fill them.

Keep us posted.


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## helpme13 (Nov 12, 2008)

Hopefully he'll grow in life and not do it to the next girl he meets


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

voivod said:


> AZMOM,
> your reply was simply brilliant! your story deserves to be told over and over again. i so respect you for you bravery, strength and candor! bravo! and thanks for STANDING UP for the sanctity of marriage in the face of what could have been terribly tragic. you are a hero, and don't forget that.


Thank you! That means so much to me.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

helpme13 said:


> I finally spoke to my husband after talking to the other women and we discovered she took him for a ride! She lied to him about our meeting, she said I just showed up and she hopped in my car the meeting was planed. So now he knows she was a lier and was playing games with him to see how far she can go, now he feels like an ASS & a fool for what they did. He fell for her shananigans hook line and sinker. Now he promises me he'll never talk to again even though they work together. Today in work she was pissed at him. He's so afraid now that she's going to try and destroy his job so he gets fired. If that happens I guess he might deserve for what he put me through. Thank you everyone for listening to me and helping me through troubled times you are the best. I will still continue to give you updates to let you know how things are going. We are trying to piece things back together.


Good for you! I know that must have been hard. When I found out about my husband's affair...and his went much further than emotional...and I confronted him I also confronted her by way of her family. When I confronted him we had both said it was over. I actually wasn't trying to ruin her life but I had no one else...her family lived down the street. I happened to catch her brother and blurted out the story. I actually got support from him and he told the rest of the family. They all confronted her and told her how wrong this was. I think that was better than confronting her. I didn't trust myself to do that because I was angry. Although in my case I felt I had nothing to lose, I thought it was over. We are picking up the pieces too. 

There does tend to be fallout from these things and in his case it may be his job. Why does the one who was hurt have to pay too? If he losses his job that will put further strain on you both. If you are picking up the pieces you need to remember you are a team and face anything that may come together. If she harrasses him, best for him to get witnesses and he can file a complaint against her. He should not respond to emails at all but save them, no contact or she could say he is harassing her and he could lose his job (that's what I am assuming you were talking about she'd complain sexual harrassment to get him fired). He needs to protect himself and you and have no further contact.


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## helpme13 (Nov 12, 2008)

Go and live life free as a butterfly, I'm going too


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## helpme13 (Nov 12, 2008)

be free and happy


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

helpme13 said:


> Well people disregard everything I said to you yesterday. He told me he didn't have the other cell phone with him yesterday, but I had called it and it was on which ment he had it with him, so I called it today and it was off because it is to early for him to have it on for her to call. So don't say bravo to me say it to him for one hell of a performance he put on for me. I see now that he's not going to stop and I have to get rid of him. I can't live this way.


I am sorry to hear that but it does sound like he wants his cake and eat it too. Its time to leave him, he won't stop and you deserve better. This will be a tough road for you but you cannot ever find another person to be with who treats you well as long as you continue to waste time with this guy. He doesn't deserve you. Funny thing...I bet if you leave him, he will not want this other woman. I wonder if part of his addiction is the risk factor. Take that away and it will probably boring for him. Be strong!


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## helpme13 (Nov 12, 2008)

music is the key to happiness in some peoples life


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Yes he has lost hi marbles. He might regain them though. He needs help.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

just outta curiousity, what songs remind him of her???? he sounds like he's cracking up!


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## helpme13 (Nov 12, 2008)

happy thanksgiving to everyone


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

helpme13 said:


> it goes something like this oh oh i wonder what shes doing tonight, because a friend wouldn't do something i can' remember the rest of the words off hand. but the song is from the sixties bubble gum music they call it.


sheesh. he's miserable. are there any witnesses to this behavior besides yourself. do you own a video recorder? maybe on you cell phone? he deserves to see this. ridiculous.


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

He's not going crazy. The truth is, he's just trying to meet his needs. He's finding songs that reminds him of her to try to get the sense of feeling of connection. It's really clear as day once the 6 human needs are understood.

If his needs aren't being met in the marriage, he'll continue to find ways to meet them externally. I got a question for you Helpme13, if you don't meet his needs and move towards a level 3 relationship, what will happen to the marriage?


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## helpme13 (Nov 12, 2008)

and a very merry christmas


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

I'm not saying you don't love him, or some of his needs aren't being met. In all fairness, the majority are probably being met at levels 4s, 5s, and 6s. Are these levels honestly what he desires, or does he want them to be met the levels he craves for?

In all sincerity, at what levels 0-10 are your husbands 6 human needs are being met in your husbands eyes?


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## helpme13 (Nov 12, 2008)

peace be with all


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## helpme13 (Nov 12, 2008)

who really knows the meaning of life. thanks to all that listened to me


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