# Coming up on two years. Stay strong folks!



## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

It has been quite a while since I have been here, and like most of you, my life was absolutely obliterated close to two years ago. I got to thinking about TAM and all the help it brought me, so I thought I would stop by and offer some support for all of those currently going through the same pain I went through.

I wont go into the details (you can search out my threads) but, from d-day to my divorce being final was just about 2 and a half months. This was a close to twenty year marriage that was over in the blink of an eye. I still don't know what caused the ex to up and leave two years ago, but I can safely say that I don't really care.

I'm asked by folks how I ever got through it, and how long does the pain last? The simple answer is that there is no answer. BUT, the human spirit is an extremely strong one and there does come that day when clarity sets in, you dust yourself off, and you get back on the horse of life. You may be rolling your eyes at that thought (I know I did) but, trust me, it happens. And if it happened to me, it can happen to you. I can't even put into words just how much of a mess I was. Through all the pain and agony a strange thing will happen; you'll find yourself. 

And, that "self" will be a stronger person than you ever believed.

In my particular case, I was an absolute mess for close to a year. I thought that the rest of my life meant nothing without my ex as a part of it. My entire future for 20 years had her in it, and that was now dead. I had no future.

Or so I thought.

One day, about a year ago I just thought "enough" and decided to get on with my life. Through a mutual friend, I met a great girl. We have been dating for about 5 months and I have found happiness in places I never new existed within myself. The ex and I never had children as she was a cancer survivor, and the new girlfriend has 3 little ones who I absolutely adore. Her ex was a raging alcoholic and for her to find happiness she knew that she was going to have to make huge decisions in her life. She has now been divorced a little over a year (separated for a year prior to that) and she truly believes she has found the perfect guy (hooray me ).

I don't know what the future holds for either of us, but I do know that whatever direction it goes, I will be fine. And that is what each of you going through this needs to know. You *will* be fine. Go through the stages. Let your mind and spirit heal. Try not to keep asking the "why" questions, and start answering the "where" questions. You will find them...

As for the ex, she is an absolute mess. Oddly, I am at that point where I thought I would never be in that I help her every now and again as I'm comfortable with being somewhat "friends". I truly do want the best for her and do not wish her any harm at all. That is a place within myself I *never* thought I would be.

I suppose I will always love her, but I am no longer in love with her. ;-)

-D


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

I wish I could fast-forward my life to where you are now.


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

me too Blue!!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

So, frigginlost, I haven't read your threads from before, since I haven't been on TAM that long, but I'm happy to hear that things are going well for you. I like to hear stories like yours, because it shows me that there's something better waiting for me on the other side of all of this.

Thanks for posting


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Thank you for this post. I wish more people who have made it to the other side would come back and post. We need it.


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

Thank you for the encouraging words. It gives me hope that I will be just as strong as you one day!


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

I'm just over 3 months in. This seems like it can't be done. I'm so lost...


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

frigginlost.....I am very happy for you (and a little jealous). I hope we can all get to your place someday.


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

I hope all of us can get through our pain. This is the worst thing I ever will go through.


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

I've had previous relationships that were harder to get over than this mess of a marriage. The first few months sucked and were only extended by a bogus attempt to "fix" anything by the WAW. I see through the BS and I know I'm better off. Hell, I've been persuing all the goals I had when I met her and now there's no stress. People are morons. Let them go.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

somethingnewmaybe said:


> I've had previous relationships that were harder to get over than this mess of a marriage. The first few months sucked and were only extended by a bogus attempt to "fix" anything by the WAW. I see through the BS and I know I'm better off. Hell, I've been persuing all the goals I had when I met her and now there's no stress. People are morons. Let them go.


Good for you - but make sure you're actually dealing with the loss/grief, and learning from the break-up, and not just avoiding it.

Just sayin'  

I don't know how long you've been apart, but my STBXH says that he's already mourned our relationship, and when he got over it he decided to move on and start dating. Sorry, but if you start asking all kinds of women out a month after you've separated, and get into a serious relationship after only four months, you haven't actually dealt with anything.


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

I'm sure she jumped from my relationship to the next. She's hiding whatever she's up to, or what transpired over the last few months but the script follows that of a cheater.

I have no desire to date. In fact, I'm staying true to my vows until this marriage is over.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

somethingnewmaybe said:


> I'm sure she jumped from my relationship to the next. She's hiding whatever she's up to, or what transpired over the last few months but the script follows that of a cheater.
> 
> I have no desire to date. In fact, I'm staying true to my vows until this marriage is over.


Me, too. I probably won't date anyone until the divorce is finalized, or at least filed, which I expect will be early November. Everyone is telling me to get out there, but I just want to focus on me. For over a decade I've been attached to and living with a man who claims that he never really loved me. Why would I want to jump into a relationship after that? He did a LOT OF DAMAGE. I want to make sure I'm well on my way being healed before I start dating again. Doing so any earlier is a disservice to myself and whomever I might date.


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