# Moved Out, Family Forced Me To Forgive Him



## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

It's been 4 days since I moved out of our apartment after finding out about husband's third affairs with tons of pictures of them together. I had made up my mind that I can't go back to him, he didn't even try to apologize, still trying to defend himself, lies lies and more lies that's all he ever gave me. It's because I'm thinking for my own sanity and my 3 years old boy's future that I MUST leave now.

Things has gotten so ugly at my parents' house. My dad is the one who is more reasonable and all of my life, I've always connect better with him and he understands me better than my mom but he's not here, he's out of town for work and probably won't be back until Thursday or Friday. She just said to me that painful sentences again this afternoon "If you would've taken care of your body..." kinda speech and I just completely lost it. I mean how could she blame me? I told her "Look at the movie stars, they're skinny but some of their husbands cheats on them too! It doesn't matter what size you are if your husband is a chronic liar and cheater nothing will stop them!" She got mad and I just started yelling at her that my brother yelled I better stop or he's gonna slap me.

I am so broken right now I just want to kill myself and get it over with. You know there's only so much I can take as a person.

My mother's first comment when I showed her the pics were exactly that "If only you would've taken care of yourself..." I mean I know I'm not as skinny as I used to before I had my son, I actually gained more in the past few months because food was my comforts, I have no sex life, months of rejections took a toll on me and I eat my loneliness. Beauty salon are cheap here but I have no time to go there, we doesn't have any maid like most families have here that can watch over my son for a couple of hours, my parents' house is about 1-1.30hr drive from the company's apartment. Her words just felt like a knife in my stomach. Isn't that the same as telling someone who just got raped "You wear your skirt too short!"...

God knows I am carrying so much quilts as it is now. You know I played that 'if only's I did this, if only I wasn't so emotional maybe he wouldn't cheat on me. But to hear my own mother lashed me out on how I look it really really makes me want to die.

She have no idea that for months I hide this from the family of how the cheater and I has been living like roommates, how he never touch me let alone have sex with me. Although he and I did had sex the night before my birthday, now I feel so disgusted, because I know he's already seeing her and chances are sleeping with her too. This thoughts makes me go crazy inside, feeling filthy but I couldn't say this to my mother and let her get away with always criticizing me. God only knows how many girls he had slept with all of these times.

She keeps pushing her way to make me take him back and when I exploded today and told her I'd rather die than take him back as a husband she said "This is why you will never have a good husband if you can't control your temper!" All of my life, I have always try to bottled things up inside me because I hate confrontations, I hate arguments, I hate fights and I know it's wrong because by the time it overflows and I just exploded I can yell and screamed because I couldn't hold it back any longer.

I just don't know what to do right now...if I have money I'd probably take my boy and move somewhere far from my mom but I have no job, no savings, nothing.

I really feel like I had just been stabbed right now.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

First off I'm going to say that you are incredible. The situation you are going through right now is horrible but from your words you are handling it as best as you can. You have a lot of strength and I admire you tremendously.

Secondly, let all those comments made by your mother roll off your back. My mother has made similar comments to me as well in the past, now its gotten to the point where I flat out ignore them. I know they are hurtful but as you said...she didn't know the whole situation. If she did I would really hope that she wouldn't want her daughter staying with such an *******.

Thirdly, whats your status? Status being job, finances, living situation? It sounds like yes you need some help right now as far as a place to live, but from what it sounds you wouldn't want to stay at your parents house to long, a person continuously berating you does no good.

And the if only I had done this or done that....? That's normal, we all do that. Don't beat yourself up over this. What your H did was wrong I don't care if you gained 300 pounds!! Its no excuse for all the lies and the cheating...its not only affecting you its also affecting your son....who by the way how is he holding up? And please try and make sure that comments your mother makes are not in front of you son...

On the other hand it wouldn't hurt to start exercising...and I'm not saying it to help you lose weight, I'm saying it b/c when you are depressed and stressed out working out is the best way to get some of that negativity out. Face it right now more than ever, you need to stay healthy...working out gives you a very healthy outlet.

Hang in there. You are strong and you can get through this. Just know that this too shall pass, it just may take some time.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Listen to Ash...she is a strong woman. If you have time read her story. 

Part of helping yourself is MOVING! I am not talking about doing exercise (although that may benefit) but pursuing jobs/counseling/reading self help books/setting boundaries/church/whatever. 

I know finances aren't there but there are still some things that you can do. It probably will be forced. Many of us have been there and the pain can almost kill you. I have.

You are worth sticking around for yourself and your child...

One step at a time.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

morningdew~

If I could suggest that there are some international cultures and even some generations here in the USA who would not consider infidelity... as something to end a marriage. For example, even as recently as my grandmother, the attitude was much moreso that a woman "put up" with sex as a duty and that if a man was unfaithful...oh well, that's how men are. As long as it was somewhat discreet it was no reason to end a marriage. 

Thus if your mom is from another culture or maybe from an era or generation who would think that men are allowed to cheat and it's to be expected, that might explain why she is reacting as she is. 

Here in the USA there are some unrealistic expectations of marriage too. For example, we expect to be "in love" the whole time we're married. _Really? All 70 years? LOL_ We expect our spouse to "complete us" and bring us happiness. _Really? One person should make you happy for 70 years?_ All I'm saying is that not everything that we learn about marriage as we grow up is realistic nor is it right. 

In real life, it is reasonable to expect your husband to be faithful to you and you alone. As women have children and grow older, not always but often we do add a few pounds--and yet that is not a justification for infidelity. If it were, then if a man gained some weight after the wedding, it's okay for the wife to cheat!  Also as you mentioned, some of the most beautiful women in the world have had cheating husbands: Halle Berry and Jennifer Aniston to name two--so that is not an excuse to be unfaithful. The fact of the matter is that looks fade, so no it's not cool for a woman to utterly "let herself go" but it's also not cool to expect a 40 year old mother of three to have the body of a 20 year old either. I bet your mom doesn't have the same body as she did when she got married!

Anyway, it sounds like your mom is giving you absolutely TOXIC advice. If you have no other place to go, I'd suggest keeping any contact with her to a minimum until your dad gets home. Ideally if you have another place to go--go there. If you have a job of your own, look for your own apartment and if not...start looking for a job so you can take care of yourself and your son.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Ash, CW, & AC, thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. 

Yesterday after that painful argument with my mother I sent a message to one of my aunt (her sister) who is a pastor and I pretty much confessed everything that's been going on in this marriage for nearly 2 years. Of how after he cheated twice before never once he apologize and I was the one who apologized owning my mistakes that might drove him to other women(s) arms. How filthy I felt inside knowing he had sex with me then found out later he was already screwing around. 

Apparently my Aunt called my mother. They talked then she called me into her bedroom. She sat me down and asked me why did I told my aunt all that, why didn’t I open up to her instead and I just told her everything…how I feel, how the marriage has been like since China. I said although in my soul I know she didn’t meant to hurt me but her words really did hurts so badly. I told her everything, things that I’ve been holding back. Told her how after what happened twice, he never even apologizes or says “Look, I screwed up but trust me I’ll fight for your trust again!” Never...he and I just resumed life as if nothing happened. Denials and lies that’s how I see it now. Told my mother how much I tried to make it work out again, even ask him if he doesn’t love me anymore I will set him free because I can’t live like a roommate forever but he kept saying he loves me, loves our son that we are what matters to him most, yet he failed to show me that and I felt the total opposite of his words for months. The trust did returned but because I forced myself to do so for my own sanity and I did believe him when he said he had to work long hours, didn’t come home at all, had to go out of town…I trusted him and never even think of checking up on him. Thought the stress from his job drained him too much that he can’t even show he cares anymore but the longer it gets the harder it is for me to act as if things are normal when behind closed door it’s not. We smiled, we played the happy family for the world to see but when we’re home, we both got lost in our own world. Me trying to compensate what I didn’t receive from him, which is affections, appreciations by getting online and he’s playing with his cell phone. Same scenario almost every night…the lies and deceives hurts me more than anything else. When I had trust him again, I’m being taken for a fool. In December he said he realized he’s been working so hard but things will change, but ever since he got back from his last international business trip in January, we never go out together as a family let alone he have time to spend alone with me and now I know why. I told my mother how much I want to scream and wailing in pain from all these but I can’t, I had to hold it back inside. Told her how after finding out about this makes me feel totally disgusted when I think he and I had sex on march 1 while he’s already seeing her and chances are had slept with her more than once. I feel like I want to scrub my whole body…We both cried so much as I let everything out in the open and I told her why I can’t take him back even when I still love him, yes no matter what he is the father of our precious little boy and I will love him forever for that. My bitterness is just too much and I don’t think he will ever change. He had his chance to come here, he knows where I am but he didn’t bother to come although I did told him I need some times alone but part of me was hoping he’d come and try to salvage what’s left of this marriage.
After the talk, my mother said if divorce is really what I want then she won’t tell me otherwise. She told me to stop thinking of the pain, of the betrayals but to move on, that she and my dad will always be there along the way no matter how hard it is. 

That sets my spirit free…we then hugged one another crying, apologizing for the words we had said out of frustrations, we prayed together. It was beautiful! After that I really feel different. I feel like I can move on, I can focus on what I need to do now and stop worrying about causing shame to my family because they will have a divorced daughter. Truly, I feel enlightened…liberated from the pain that was ripping me apart for the past few days. Feels like huge heavy burden has been lifted off of my bent shoulders. 

As for my little boy, I know he can sense something is wrong. He only wanted my mother and that hurts me too inside, he still let me hold him and kiss him but he'd rather have his grandmother to give him his bath, even getting his juice. I had asked him if he wants to go back to the apartment and he said no, he wants to stay at his grandmother's house. My heart really breaking mostly for him but I know by staying and sticking with someone who can't be faithful will set up a bad example for him in the future. 

AC, you are so spot on. In my Asian culture, divorce is still considered a taboo and a big NO NO although lately many more young couples brace the public scrutiny and make changes.

Thank you again so much. I feel like now I can move on and calmly face him when the time comes.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Update on him: he just sent me an email basically told me I need to pay for the electricity bill since the atm card that he have (which is in my name) is blocked. Yes, I called the bank telling them I lost the card so he can't have access to what little money that's left there. 
I replied calmly telling him he still have $500 then he'll be fine and can pay for it himself. He replied but he doesn't have an ATM card (to transfer the payment). To that I only answered "Well maybe you should consider all this before you screwing around behind my back" and of course he replied: "just keep thinking that's what happened its ok with me cause i know it didn't"

See the denials? When I got the screaming evidence photo of him and that girl on-board a flight somewhere (I checked the picture and it was taken with his cell phone and the date confirmed this too) to which the driver confirmed because he went to the airport to picked him up last month and that girl was there, they even gave her a ride home. 

It didn't bother me as much as before but I still can't handle all the lies and denials.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

I do felt better today but made the mistake of sending him an email about how I feel and he replied that he still love me, he miss me and our son even wrote: "I do love you like I promised u from the beginning I would."

Part of me still love him...he's the one man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the father of my son. He stood by my side when I had my post partum depression after I went through a very difficult and life threatening pregnancy. Problem is I don't see any regrets coming from him...keep saying nothing happen between him and that girl, that they're just friends bla bla bla (I wish I can post the picture here). In my email I wrote him that if only he would have appologized and said something like "I know I screwed up but I do want to work things out and let me show you..." you know. 

I guess I'm just having doubts tonight. I still love him and I do miss him but there's too much pain and he had broke my heart over and over and over again. I don't know if I can handle another one if I do go back home to him. 

What should I do? He said he suppose to go abroad again for his business trip so I will have lots of times to think...is this normal to feel this way? I love him still but it feels like I have a big gaping hole on my chest right now and nothing he said could ever heal it.


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