# Husband's family



## 5boys (Feb 7, 2011)

I have big problems with my husband's family am I crazy or is it them? My husband was married 2 times before me, his 1st wife is remarried and they had no children together my problem is with the 2nd wife. My husband and I had been friends in high school and we each married other people then ran into each other several years ago while both going through divorces. We started dating and knew that we really wanted to get married and start a family. We eventually had twins and got married but I am going crazy. My husband's ex wife and his family are all alcoholics and I don't fit in because I'm, not a drinker. When our twins were born no one from his family came to see them even though they were in intensive care for 6 weeks. Then when we got married his mother said we never invited her to the wedding then the story changed to she couldn't get off work. My husband kept saying it was because of him that his mother didn't participate in these events then she said to me it was because of me because I got pregnant and shouldn't have because him and his ex-wife would still be together, mind you his ex wife is great friends with the whole family and is even invited to all the family functions still and it seems I don't get anywhere no matter how hard I try. I take care of their son that they have together because the bar is more important to his ex-wife if we don't have him she just takes him to the bar with her. She calls yelling and swearing at me on our home phone he doesn't even did defend me he sticks up for her and says its part my fault because I argue back and he say's I'm a snob, I just feel she is a terrible mother and should take more responsibility for their child. I am soooo ready to file for divorce because I just feel it will never work if he doesn't stand up to his ex and his mother. I hate how they put all the blame on me, his mother has even said that our children look nothing like him so maybe they are not his. Help I cannot take these people nor him not defending me.


----------



## kristinlloyd (Apr 22, 2010)

WOW! That sounds like a lot to handle. So, my first question - why did he get divorced from the ex-wife (bar lady)? The family seems to love her, but it seems he and she didn't get along very well? 
Also has he given you any reasons why he supports her or stands up for her? (And have you asked this question leisurely- not when in a discussion or argument about her bad behavior, but at a another time when he might be more apt to answer honestly and when not being put on the spot.) 

It seems you have a lot on your plate dealing with the kids and then the family. It seems obvious that his family *seems to believe *that you broke up his last marriage (even if you didn't) and that could come from the ex-wife wanting to demonize you for whatever reason. 

However, if this is status quo for them, how can you live your life harmoniously without them getting to you? If they don't change their behavior, how can you change yours? - I realize that you are not the problem, however, they don't think they are the problem either and since they don't plan on changing their behavior anytime soon, what can you do to change on your end to make things better? 

As for him not sticking up for you, have you ever asked him "why?" He may also fear the ex-wife and mother or he may feel easily manipulated by them and it could be easier for him to throw his hands up in the air than to fight with them. He also may not want to tell you that he feels manipulated by them, or fearful of them, because that would affect his male ego, so he just lets it go. Or, it could be that he doesn't feel he stands up for them at all, but in his mind, he just ignores their bad behavior because it's not worth the hassle. There are many speculations I could make with regard to this. 

On one hand you may feel he doesn't stand up for you, but he might see it as not getting involved, or a fight that is not worth fighting. (meaning the fight with his mom and ex-wife) You see it as worth fighting as to stand up for yourself, but he may see them as not worth fighting with either because he know he won't (can't) win, or just because he doesn't want the drama. 

Families are difficult. So many personalities, so many egos and so many people wanting attention for whatever reason. The main thing is , how often do you see this family and is there a way to distance yourself from them day to day? Also since you seem to be providing childcare for the son from the ex-wife, think of him as a welcome addition and that he'd probably rather be with his dad and brothers than in a bar somewhere. 

Look on the positive side, you have your husband  (and she doesn't) and maybe she's jealous of you. Are you really going to let her get the better of you? Maybe she is trying to make you mad, and it's working. Let her be miserable, but don't let her and his family ruin your marriage. 

~Kristin


----------



## 5boys (Feb 7, 2011)

Kristen, thank you sooo much for the words of wisdom. It's so hard to see it from my husbands point of view because of such hurtful actions and words to me on their behalf but it's exactly like you said, he doesn't like the drama so he said let them talk and be unhappy. I just wish sometimes he would defend me when the ex calls and swears at me. I know his ex is jealous because they had a terrible marriage and she flat out tells me how attracted she is to him still also she is unhappy because our lives are wonderful we travel alot with the kids and own our own business where when they were married he wouldn't come home for days at a time. I think I'll listen to your advice and cut him some slack. Thank you sooo much.

Cathy


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Be glad you don't fit in with this group. Have little contact with his mom, unless it is necessary. When you do, conduct yourself lady like, as I'm sure you do. I'm sure you have caller id, stop answering the phone when the ex # shows up. Let him deal with his ex when it comes to their child.

I have no idea why mils have to be so unkind. I've been thru it also with my in-laws. I just don't care anymore.


----------

