# Did I cause my husband's depression?



## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

My husband and I are separated and on the fast track to divorcing. He is really depressed, and it's not clear whether his depression has clouded his judgment and his ability to love me, or whether his unhappiness with our marriage and lack of love for me MADE him depressed. He seems to think the latter. He emotionally withdrew and kind of just watches TV, and he told me to consider the reasons WHY he chooses to watch TV over talk/hang out with me. That really hurt me, as he was implying that it was my fault, but maybe he's right? 

He was always more of a homebody than I was, but it recently over the course of the past year, got SO MUCH WORSE. Any insights?


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

My stbxh did the same. Our mc said these are all excuses. Don't let him make you feel like you caused this. He had a choice in everything and he chooses to watch TV than work on the marriage. I'm sure that doesn't hurt much less, but it's not you. It's him.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

One cannot cause someone else to be unhappy. Happiness comes from within.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Amymarie717 said:


> Did I cause my husband's depression?


no.

you can't make somebody depressed. you can't fix somebody else. you can't make somebody love you.

sorry for your pain.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

Unfortunately, he is being really lazy about setting up IC and he refuses to go to MC because he thinks he needs to work on himself and seeing a counselor together would defeat the purpose, in his mind. So, how is he going to realize this before it's too late?! I feel so helpless! Thanks everyone for your kind replies.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Sorry you are here. Work on you. Lead by example. Pushing someone to go to IC usually won't work. They have to want to do it for themselves.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

It's just excuses. My H would tell me that his drinking was a symptom of the problems we were having. I told him that he was an alcoholic and I would go to AA with him to get help, but he refused, because he never saw himself as a problem. Or he'd rather spend time playing video games and being on FB chat instead of doing something with me. 

No one causes someone else to be depressed. I think people have poor coping mechanisms and in my H's case, he couldn't deal with some of the crisis' we were dealing with. So your H, might be the same. Either way, not your fault. 

Work on yourself and be better for you and no one else. That's what I'm telling myself. It's his loss...


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

zillard said:


> Sorry you are here. Work on you. Lead by example. Pushing someone to go to IC usually won't work. They have to want to do it for themselves.


I know. You're right. But he knows he needs it, so why is he dragging his feet?! He's so lazy about fixing himself and us.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

loveispatient said:


> It's just excuses. My H would tell me that his drinking was a symptom of the problems we were having. I told him that he was an alcoholic and I would go to AA with him to get help, but he refused, because he never saw himself as a problem. Or he'd rather spend time playing video games and being on FB chat instead of doing something with me.
> 
> No one causes someone else to be depressed. I think people have poor coping mechanisms and in my H's case, he couldn't deal with some of the crisis' we were dealing with. So your H, might be the same. Either way, not your fault.
> 
> Work on yourself and be better for you and no one else. That's what I'm telling myself. It's his loss...


Yeah he is not capable of self-reflecting. It's such a shame because he could have (and still can, potentially) save this marriage if he would just talk to someone!!!! But I am not going to wait around forever!! Being in limbo is really the worst place, because you can't really begin to FULLY move on, since there is always a small bit of hope in the back of your mind. That's what is keep me from bettering myself fully. I just need to know if he want out and is just too scared to pull the plug completely, or if he genuinely wants time to sort through things. It's incredibly selfish to keep stringing me along. On top of all the other BS he put me through, I really want to have children, and if it's not going to be with him, then I really need to move on sooner rather than later. No spring chicken here!!


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