# (Part 2) Wife still cheating so I just filed for divorce.



## collin8550

Made this new post since the original kept getting messed up. I'll try to put a link in the old thread if I can figure it out.

Anyways, WW has stopped texting and trying to get back together the past few days. She didn't even call to talk to the kids the last few days they were with me.

Today when I dropped them off to her, she went crazy and said she can't afford the house anymore. And said I should just take the kids because she has no money and can't even afford to drive to work tomorrow (funny though because we had to wait at her house for her to get home from the store 15 miles away).

She threw some bags of my clothes that she had out the door for me to pick up and then was trying to argue with me in front of the kids as I was getting in the car to leave. As I shut the car door to leave, she opened it back up and was arguing still. 

She also said she has done nothing but try to be nice and make the divorce easy for me and the kids, and I am wrong for making things difficult. 

Then she called my mom later (who I am currently staying with) and told her all the same stuff. She also told her that she is done and no longer wants me to come home.

Then she sent me a long text saying I am mooching off my parents and that they don't really want me here and that she is going to go against the terms of the separation and take the kids and go live with OM since he is a friend and will help her out since I won't. 

I told my friend all this earlier, and she said I should call the lawyer tomorrow and try to get full custody. I want to do that but I don't think I can handle them full time on my own. I start a new job in 1 month, that pays a lot more, so I will be able to get my own place and have more options. But with my schedule it will still be hard to get the kids to and from daycare/school.

So now I feel pretty down and am worried about the kids and also worried about WW trying to get me to finance her affair once she finds out I have a new job eventually.


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## honcho

It sounds like she made up with her boyfriend so now she has no interest in you again as per her cycle it seems. You didn't "run back to her" when she was playing nice this last round so she is ticked off so she wants you to feel bad.


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## xMadame

She cannot afford the house? Are you paying her child support?


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## Marc878

collin8550 said:


> Made this new post since the original kept getting messed up. I'll try to put a link in the old thread if I can figure it out.
> 
> Anyways, WW has stopped texting and trying to get back together the past few days. She didn't even call to talk to the kids the last few days they were with me.
> 
> Today when I dropped them off to her, she went crazy and said she can't afford the house anymore. And said I should just take the kids because she has no money and can't even afford to drive to work tomorrow (funny though because we had to wait at her house for her to get home from the store 15 miles away).
> 
> Awwwww, maybe she shouldn't have wrecked her life and yours.
> 
> She threw some bags of my clothes that she had out the door for me to pick up and then was trying to argue with me in front of the kids as I was getting in the car to leave. As I shut the car door to leave, she opened it back up and was arguing still.
> 
> Desperation!!!! You were supposed to be lost without her. Poor muffin
> 
> She also said she has done nothing but try to be nice and make the divorce easy for me and the kids, and I am wrong for making things difficult.
> 
> Really, all you're going is giving her what she wanted. Funny how that works. Be careful what you ask for. You might get it.
> 
> Then she called my mom later (who I am currently staying with) and told her all the same stuff. She also told her that she is done and no longer wants me to come home.
> 
> Good, maybe she'll shut up now
> 
> Then she sent me a long text saying I am mooching off my parents and that they don't really want me here and that she is going to go against the terms of the separation and take the kids and go live with OM since he is a friend and will help her out since I won't.
> 
> Hmmm, sounds like he doesnt want the kids.
> 
> I told my friend all this earlier, and she said I should call the lawyer tomorrow and try to get full custody. I want to do that but I don't think I can handle them full time on my own. I start a new job in 1 month, that pays a lot more, so I will be able to get my own place and have more options. But with my schedule it will still be hard to get the kids to and from daycare/school.
> 
> Make sure you get full CS from her. Cut no slack here
> 
> *So now I feel pretty down and am worried about the kids and also worried about WW trying to get me to finance her affair once she finds out I have a new job eventually.*


The divorce is filed what you make on the new job won't count. Get out of the victim chair and figure it out. Look at this as an opportunity


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## Affaircare

@collin8550, 

#1--Rather than thinking about how you "wouldn't be able to handle the kids on your own", change your perspective and look at it like this: what if you and STBXW were happily married and she just died one night. Like...she had a stroke or a heart attack in the night and was just gone? Somehow or another, as their dad, you would work out something such as putting the kids into aftercare or hiring a teenager to come to the house and sit with them until you got home or something. Right? You would make it work somehow! 

It's exactly the same now. You are an adult and you made children. Their mother is not very mentally healthy and they need you as much as possible. Figure out a way to make it work. 

#2--Even if you went for full custody, you wouldn't be awarded the kids just because she got mad one day and yelled at you and yelled at your parents. Assuming that she was 100% cooperative in the divorce (which she won't be), it would be AFTER temporary orders, mediation, case management hearing, and trial...so a year or more down the road. So I would recommend until then that you take your kids as much and as often as you can. The fact she can't afford the house is not your concern--that is the consequence of choosing adultery over fidelity. She may not have thought of that price, and if she did think of it, she may not have thought you'd make her pay it! But nonetheless, that is NOT your concern. She is a grown woman and she has to figure that out, AND it can't involve her moving the kids in with OM. Now...you may not be able to stop her from moving in with OM if she's bound and determined. But you can prevent the kids...and that will look bad to the judge (that she abandoned her children so she could shack up with AP). 

So let her decide for her own life, and you go ahead and start getting ready to probably have the kids more. She's very, VERY likely going to do her best to guilt you into paying for the house "for the kids" or blaming you for not being able to afford it, etc. so you just prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for that attempt, and get ready to be the stable, dependable parent for your children, okay? Will it be ideal to have your kids living at your parents' house? No. Talk about crowded!! But it will be fine and everyone loves each other. That's what counts.


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## phillybeffandswiss

collin8550 said:


> Made this new post since the original kept getting messed up. I'll try to put a link in the old thread if I can figure it out.
> 
> Anyways, WW has stopped texting and trying to get back together the past few days. She didn't even call to talk to the kids the last few days they were with me.
> 
> Today when I dropped them off to her, she went crazy and said she can't afford the house anymore. And said I should just take the kids because she has no money and can't even afford to drive to work tomorrow (funny though because we had to wait at her house for her to get home from the store 15 miles away).
> 
> She threw some bags of my clothes that she had out the door for me to pick up and then was trying to argue with me in front of the kids as I was getting in the car to leave. As I shut the car door to leave, she opened it back up and was arguing still.
> 
> She also said she has done nothing but try to be nice and make the divorce easy for me and the kids, and I am wrong for making things difficult.
> 
> Then she called my mom later (who I am currently staying with) and told her all the same stuff. She also told her that she is done and no longer wants me to come home.
> 
> Then she sent me a long text saying I am mooching off my parents and that they don't really want me here and that she is going to go against the terms of the separation and take the kids and go live with OM since he is a friend and will help her out since I won't.
> 
> I told my friend all this earlier, and she said I should call the lawyer tomorrow and try to get full custody. I want to do that but I don't think I can handle them full time on my own. I start a new job in 1 month, that pays a lot more, so I will be able to get my own place and have more options. But with my schedule it will still be hard to get the kids to and from daycare/school.
> 
> So now I feel pretty down and am worried about the kids and also worried about WW trying to get me to finance her affair once she finds out I have a new job eventually.


Calm down and get out of your own head. Your friend is correct.

Save the text, contact your lawyer and file an emergency custody order.


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## GusPolinski

And there it is -- the only reason she ever wanted you to come home is because she can't afford to maintain her lifestyle without you.

She sounds pretty BSC.

Push for custody. Figure out the details afterward.

Lots of single parents out there that make it work.

Document EVERYTHING.


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## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Made this new post since the original kept getting messed up. I'll try to put a link in the old thread if I can figure it out.
> 
> Anyways, WW has stopped texting and trying to get back together the past few days. She didn't even call to talk to the kids the last few days they were with me.
> 
> Today when I dropped them off to her, she went crazy and said she can't afford the house anymore. And said I should just take the kids because she has no money and can't even afford to drive to work tomorrow (funny though because we had to wait at her house for her to get home from the store 15 miles away).
> 
> She threw some bags of my clothes that she had out the door for me to pick up and then was trying to argue with me in front of the kids as I was getting in the car to leave. As I shut the car door to leave, she opened it back up and was arguing still.
> 
> She also said she has done nothing but try to be nice and make the divorce easy for me and the kids, and I am wrong for making things difficult.
> 
> Then she called my mom later (who I am currently staying with) and told her all the same stuff. She also told her that she is done and no longer wants me to come home.
> 
> Then she sent me a long text saying I am mooching off my parents and that they don't really want me here and that she is going to go against the terms of the separation and take the kids and go live with OM since he is a friend and will help her out since I won't.
> 
> I told my friend all this earlier, and she said I should call the lawyer tomorrow and try to get full custody. I want to do that but I don't think I can handle them full time on my own. I start a new job in 1 month, that pays a lot more, so I will be able to get my own place and have more options. But with my schedule it will still be hard to get the kids to and from daycare/school.
> 
> So now I feel pretty down and am worried about the kids and also worried about WW trying to get me to finance her affair once she finds out I have a new job eventually.


What she is saying to you now..... is what she was telling the POSOM last few weeks.

By the 4th.... she will revert back to you, if not sooner. She wants an ATM machine.... whether it 

be Collin, POSOM, POSOM #2, POSOM #8 to help pay for the house. With POSOM... if he is even

still in picture.... this is where he runs for the hills. He signed up for tawdry, nasty sex..... NOT

a ready made family to move in with him. Collin.... she has overplayed her hand at the poker 

table. You called her hand.... now she is screwed. She is angry, very angry. She is devolving.

Lock your doors at night.... a prowler(ette) possible will arrive. Slim chance you would get FC but....

don't hurt to ask. She doesn't want you back Collin, she even don't want the kids, she is in search

of her savior, Mr. Fixer, Mr. Nice Guy. That is her ONLY priority. Then... she may want to see the 

kids more. There is no telling what she will do... she doesn't even know. But to "take the kids,"

get your lawyer involved. She wants to keep the kids from you so you will come home if she 

does. It's summertime, school is out until August / September. Danny from the UK has a thread

and his WW did the same thing. You're in the States Collin.... if she pulls the taking the kids,

I would swear out a warrant for kidnapping. Will it work.... who knows. But it may curtail

her agenda. I hate you are in this crazy drama..... and still have what.... eight months of

it to go. I won't lie.... it won't get any better. Well.. until she finds another pogo stick to 

bounce on.


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## She'sStillGotIt

collin8550 said:


> . I want to do that but I don't think I can handle them full time on my own. I start a new job in 1 month, that pays a lot more, so I will be able to get my own place and have more options. But with my schedule it will still be hard to get the kids to and from daycare/school.


Welcome to the world of SINGLE WORKING MOTHERS. *They* have to find adequate and affordable daycare, *they* have to make sure their kids get to where they need to be on time in the morning,_* they*_ have to make sure they're at their job on time after doing all that, and *they* have to make sure their children are picked up within the time frame allowed at the end of the day. And lastly, _*they*_ have to find a way to 'handle them' on a daily basis even though you claim you can't handle them on your own full time. Most mothers don't really have a choice.

I find it amazing that millions of women are *expected *to do this on a daily basis, and *DO* do this on a daily basis, yet here you are whining that it's just 'too hard' to do that. Good thing all these working single moms don't have that attitude. And as your wife is working and caring for the kids on a daily basis, she's just one of the many women expected to find a way to get this accomplished.

How nice it must be to have the ability to 'opt' out when it's inconvenient for _you_.



> So now I feel pretty down and am worried about the kids and also worried about WW trying to get me to finance her affair once she finds out I have a new job eventually.


Look, I think cheaters suck. Plain and simple.

*However*, you haven't mentioned that you have to pay her alimony, so how is it *you* would supposedly be 'financing' her affair? You're apparently not financing anything since she can barely afford to keep the house. And if you go for 50/50 custody to avoid paying child support, you'll need to re-think your stance about how 'hard' it is to coordinate getting your kids to school and daycare and getting them at the end of the day on time. And if you don't go for shared custody and she's the primary custodial parent, you'll be paying CHILD SUPPORT to support your children, not to "finance her affair." Food, clothing, a roof over their heads, hot water, electricity, clean sheets to sleep on, medical needs, a well maintained and safe vehicle to take them wherever they need to go, school supplies, money for school trips, hobby costs, dental visits, Christmas and Birthday presents don't all just happen by magic. They cost MONEY and a lot of it. And let me tell you, the custodial parent always ends up paying WAY more than the one paying child support, and they work MUCH harder at raising the kids that the non-custodial parent.

You're not 'financing' anyone's affair if you're referring to child support payments. You're simply paying a small share toward what it *really* costs to raise your kids.


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## bandit.45

If you want to keep some custody of your kids you need to buck up and make it work somehow with your new job. I'm kind of in agreement with everyone else here: quit whining about things and try to look at the positives.


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## VladDracul

She'sStillGotIt said:


> *However*, you haven't mentioned that you have to pay her alimony, so how is it *you* would supposedly be 'financing' her affair?


He is trying PCees. What he really means is that he doesn't want to pay for something he ain't getting (and somebody else is) PC is usually inconstant with reality and oftentimes science.


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## dubsey

There isn't an employer on the planet that won't work with you on dealing with kids as a single parent.


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## turnera

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Welcome to the world of SINGLE WORKING MOTHERS. *They* have to find adequate and affordable daycare, *they* have to make sure their kids get to where they need to be on time in the morning,_* they*_ have to make sure they're at their job on time after doing all that, and *they* have to make sure their children are picked up within the time frame allowed at the end of the day. And lastly, _*they*_ have to find a way to 'handle them' on a daily basis even though you claim you can't handle them on your own full time. Most mothers don't really have a choice.
> 
> I find it amazing that millions of women are *expected *to do this on a daily basis, and *DO* do this on a daily basis, yet here you are whining that it's just 'too hard' to do that. Good thing all these working single moms don't have that attitude. And as your wife is working and caring for the kids on a daily basis, she's just one of the many women expected to find a way to get this accomplished.
> 
> How nice it must be to have the ability to 'opt' out when it's inconvenient for _you_.
> 
> Look, I think cheaters suck. Plain and simple.
> 
> *However*, you haven't mentioned that you have to pay her alimony, so how is it *you* would supposedly be 'financing' her affair? You're apparently not financing anything since she can barely afford to keep the house. And if you go for 50/50 custody to avoid paying child support, you'll need to re-think your stance about how 'hard' it is to coordinate getting your kids to school and daycare and getting them at the end of the day on time. And if you don't go for shared custody and she's the primary custodial parent, you'll be paying CHILD SUPPORT to support your children, not to "finance her affair." Food, clothing, a roof over their heads, hot water, electricity, clean sheets to sleep on, medical needs, a well maintained and safe vehicle to take them wherever they need to go, school supplies, money for school trips, hobby costs, dental visits, Christmas and Birthday presents don't all just happen by magic. They cost MONEY and a lot of it. And let me tell you, the custodial parent always ends up paying WAY more than the one paying child support, and they work MUCH harder at raising the kids that the non-custodial parent.
> 
> You're not 'financing' anyone's affair if you're referring to child support payments. You're simply paying a small share toward what it *really* costs to raise your kids.


Thank you for this. Even married moms are usually the ones to handle 95% of all this; the only difference is that there might be two incomes. The time commitment doesn't change.


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## TheTruthHurts

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Welcome to the world of SINGLE WORKING MOTHERS. *They* have to find adequate and affordable daycare, *they* have to make sure their kids get to where they need to be on time in the morning,_* they*_ have to make sure they're at their job on time after doing all that, and *they* have to make sure their children are picked up within the time frame allowed at the end of the day. And lastly, _*they*_ have to find a way to 'handle them' on a daily basis even though you claim you can't handle them on your own full time. Most mothers don't really have a choice.
> 
> I find it amazing that millions of women are *expected *to do this on a daily basis, and *DO* do this on a daily basis, yet here you are whining that it's just 'too hard' to do that. Good thing all these working single moms don't have that attitude. And as your wife is working and caring for the kids on a daily basis, she's just one of the many women expected to find a way to get this accomplished.
> 
> How nice it must be to have the ability to 'opt' out when it's inconvenient for _you_.
> 
> Look, I think cheaters suck. Plain and simple.
> 
> *However*, you haven't mentioned that you have to pay her alimony, so how is it *you* would supposedly be 'financing' her affair? You're apparently not financing anything since she can barely afford to keep the house. And if you go for 50/50 custody to avoid paying child support, you'll need to re-think your stance about how 'hard' it is to coordinate getting your kids to school and daycare and getting them at the end of the day on time. And if you don't go for shared custody and she's the primary custodial parent, you'll be paying CHILD SUPPORT to support your children, not to "finance her affair." Food, clothing, a roof over their heads, hot water, electricity, clean sheets to sleep on, medical needs, a well maintained and safe vehicle to take them wherever they need to go, school supplies, money for school trips, hobby costs, dental visits, Christmas and Birthday presents don't all just happen by magic. They cost MONEY and a lot of it. And let me tell you, the custodial parent always ends up paying WAY more than the one paying child support, and they work MUCH harder at raising the kids that the non-custodial parent.
> 
> You're not 'financing' anyone's affair if you're referring to child support payments. You're simply paying a small share toward what it *really* costs to raise your kids.




Your insulting tone which is dripping with resentment just might get in the way of your attempt to help.

While I agree with the content I think you might do better to pause after you're triggered and give yourself a bit of time before responding

Just my $.02. Please pause before responding 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## phillybeffandswiss

Your wife chose to "opt out" of the marriage and then "opt out" of reconciliation. You wanted to reconcile and she didn't until, things became untenable as a CHOICE making MARRIED mother. All problems DIRECTLY related to her affair.

Look dude, you do get to complain how hard it will be because she blew up the marriage. You do get to fret because the entire dynamic changed. You do get to worry and complain about daycare and a myriad of other things. Yes, you do get to talk about financing the affair. It is new to you and it is something those "millions of moms" complained about when they were suddenly thrust into single parenthood or by choice. You do get to worry about the millions of things single mothers *AND FATHERS* do everyday, because you are going to join this group when this divorce is official. Technically you are one now, but once finances, property and custody is court mandated you will truly be a single father. Make sure you grasp, these people didn't suddenly and magically wake up and say "Hey, I'm a single father yeahhh i know what to do no complaints or stress."


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## phillybeffandswiss

VladDracul said:


> He is trying PCees. What he really means is that he doesn't want to pay for something he ain't getting (and somebody else is) PC is usually inconstant with reality and oftentimes science.


He has an entirely different thread, this is part 2. He filed for divorce back in November so, nothing has been ironed out yet concerning CS or Alimony.


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## 3Xnocharm

Why did the cheater get to stay in the house?? Stop letting her browbeat you the way she does, grow a backbone. She doesn't get to complain about the divorce because SHE is the one who caused it. Remember that, and I suggest that you get good and pissed off about this entire fiasco!


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## VladDracul

It would behooves old Collin to keep in mind that a woman don't have to dig you to allow you to hang around and pay her bills.


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## Mr Blunt

> And said I should just take the kids because she has no money and can't even afford to drive to work tomorrow


Assuming that your wife is a POS and you are a good father then use her fog and anger to get as much custody of your children as you can... Your children are the biggest prize in this divorce....You have already lost your wife.....Get your attorney to help you use her fog so that you can get legal custody.


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## michzz

You can ignore the parts of the "advice" that touts only one gender as being responsible for childcare after a divorce. That's expression of someone's own issues.

The part to take to heart is the idea of getting day care in place. It's not so hard to do if you're a task-oriented guy.

I had a before-school day care lady that I'd drop the kids off at at 6:30 am. She would take them to school after feeding them. The after school care place had a shuttle bus pick them up at school. I would retrieve them after work about 6 pm.

Was it ideal? Of course not! Was it expensive? You better believe it. Was it worth it? Yes.

Was it better than leaving them with my awful ex-wife? Of course! And she didn't want to watch them all day either. She preferred her freedom to go ***** herself in the day.

So your job starts in a month. Get started NOW on putting the day care in place.


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## jb02157

Pushing for full custody seems the right thing to do here. Document all of this conversation you had with her and all you have with her going forward, definitely the part where she wants you to continue to take the kids. Her reasons for that are immaterial since you are giving her money. I would also think about putting a VAR in the car so you can capture all of the luscious comments she spews. It may be hard getting full custody but since she doesn't seem she wants custody the female biased court system may decide to grant it to you.


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## Chuck71

The first official child custody arrangement sticks unless there is a huge change in agendas.

Judges don't want to hear the same case every six months... it makes them earn their paycheck, cuts into

their time at the golf course, and cuts into their drinking time. If the opportunity arises, cease it.

Yes it will be tiresome, limits your time but it is temporary. Kids are resilient as #$^^$#@

and before you know it, they're in jr. high (middle school for yous Y2Kers) and participating in 

sports and clubs. Most schools open their doors very early and offer after-care. Free of charge.

The last elementary I taught at opened their doors at 6:30 and had after-care until 4:30.

There was an after school care ran by a retired teacher from 4:30 to 9:00. And this was in a town 

of less than 1,500 people in the middle of the Smoky Mountains.


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## collin8550

All of you who have followed the original thread from the beginning, thanks for the comments. And those of you that just jumped in, especially you "she'sstillgotit", you dont know what you are talking about. We have 50/50 custody but I keep the kids about 70% of the time because my ex doesnt want them. And when she does have them she is constantly calling to try and get me to discipline the kids over the phone because she cant handle a little stress and does crazy stuff, such as fuss at a stranger over the internet. 

There are plenty of single fathers out there, but you dont hear about them because no one feels sorry or has sympathy for men. And i guarantee I am 10 times a better parent than your sexist, bitter @$$. I know you are tired after leaving your airconditioned office after a busy 8 hour day of handling your bosses dry cleaning and keeping track of her meetings and her kids soccer schedule. But as parents we have to find the strength to keep going. 

My ex earned more money than me our entire marriage. And she was happy to point out that she didn't "need" me. Yet now she does because her affair partner has no money and wont give it to her if he does. She makes just enough to pay the bills and the mortgage, because she doesnt want to move in with her mom a mile down the road like i had to do, because why should her lifestyle change any just because she chose to have an affair. And of course she would rather me give her money so she can afford the house and OM can live there for free and cancel his apartment lease and use that extra money to pay for dinners out and vacations. And why should i give her money based on 50/50 custody when i keep the kids about 18 days per month compared to her 12 or so, because she chooses to go out friday and saturday nights and i choose to take the kids instead of letting her mom keep them. Not to mention how she miraculously has money to go out but doesnt have money when the kids need a school book or new clothes. 
And I don't mind spending every penny I have to improve and sustain the kids' quality of living. But I don't want to also improve my ex wife's quality of life by default. I was already doing that when she chose to give that up for an affair. 

And if you get triggered so easily from simply reading a stranger's post on the internet, I wonder what goes on behind closed doors when you get triggered and have your kids around you? Maybe you aren't cut out for single parenthood and need a man to help take care of you. You may not be as strong as the countless other single mothers in the world and even the great women right here in this forum.

I know there are men out there that don't want to pay child support and expect the mother to work and raise the kids on her own. But that's not me. If it was up to me, I would have full custody and pay 100% of the kids' expenses, and let them occasionally spend a few nights with their mom whenever they wanted to. Which she had originally agreed to do before I filed for divorce. But she spoke to some people and they talked her out of that. But if I get my way and we end up doing that arrangement, I am 99% certain that she will ask to keep them less and less until she sees them for an hour or two once per month. And then a year or two from now, she will get a different job or marry some sucker and try to fight me and get the kids back and force them to spend time with her after they are even more attached to me and it causes them more trauma to be away from me.

And to answer the other posters, i work in the chemical plant/refinery industry. I have to be at work between 430 and 5 am while on days and 430 and 5pm when on nights. And it rotates every few days. So either I have to wake the kids up with me at 3am and bring them somewhere to drop off, or have someone come to my house and sit with them until 6am and get them ready for school. And i also have to get someone to watch them when I am working nights. And plants run 24/7 nonstop. I have to be at work on time to relieve the other person so he/she can go home and rest to come back in 12 hours to relieve me. So there is no way the employer will adjust my schedule. I have to rely on family members or find some kind of in home nanny. But it's pretty scary to have a stranger spending that much time alone with my kids. The one positive thing about my schedule though, is that I only work 7 days out of every 2 weeks, instead of 10 days like most people. So that leaves me with more days off to play with the kids. 

That reminds me of another thing. If I have to pay my ex, that means I will have to work overtime and on my days off to support her. So that takes away much of my time I could spend with the kids. So why can't she work on her days off instead to pay her bills and mortgage? Why should I have to work my days off so she can have more free time to devote to her affair?

I'm sorry for the rant. I never do that and am not the type to argue with people on the internet, but it really bothers me when a woman like "shesstillgotit" thinks she is special because she jumps on the single mother bandwagon and tries to take credit and compare herself to the many single mothers that really do have it bad and have to struggle terribly everyday just to put food on the table. And someone like her thinks she is struggling because she has to drive a Ford instead of a Porsche. And has to help with homework instead of laying on the couch watching American Idol in the evenings. And has to drive to the lake for vacation instead of flying to Hawaii. 

My one and only female friend is a single mother of two boys, who was abused by her husband and almost killed and had to escape to save her and her kids' lives. She struggles everyday and gets no help or money from anyone. And she has a few hours to rest every Sunday, but chooses to bring her kids to church instead of sleeping in or watching tv, so they will grow up with a good religious background. And she also manages to find time every month to volunteer and help other abuse victims. And she never complains or tries to lecture strangers on the internet. She is a real woman and is raising 2 dang good little boys. And she tells me I am the best and most hard working father she knows. She knows my whole story and said I am a wuss if I end up giving my spoiled, pathetic ex a dime.

And she is just one of many great mothers who are exactly like her And doesn't think they are special or deserve recognition because they have some struggles. 

And "shesstillgotit", save yourself the time of trying to post a long reply explaining how you have it so bad and struggle like the other REAL single mothers out there, I don't care. Use that time instead to catch up on your housework or do something fun with your kids.


----------



## pbj2016

I wondered if the condescending post of hers was going to push you off the deep end. The bold italics in that post was extra precious. Glad you are standing up for yourself. 

Bottom line is your kids are more important than any shenanigans your WW tries to pull. The only accolades you need won't come for years until your children are grown (or older). For now, it is one day at a time doing the right thing regardless of circumstances. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> All of you who have followed the original thread from the beginning, thanks for the comments. And those of you that just jumped in, especially you "she'sstillgotit", you dont know what you are talking about. We have 50/50 custody but I keep the kids about 70% of the time because my ex doesnt want them. And when she does have them she is constantly calling to try and get me to discipline the kids over the phone because she cant handle a little stress and does crazy stuff, such as fuss at a stranger over the internet.
> 
> There are plenty of single fathers out there, but you dont hear about them because no one feels sorry or has sympathy for men. And i guarantee I am 10 times a better parent than your sexist, bitter @$$. I know you are tired after leaving your airconditioned office after a busy 8 hour day of handling your bosses dry cleaning and keeping track of her meetings and her kids soccer schedule. But as parents we have to find the strength to keep going.
> 
> My ex earned more money than me our entire marriage. And she was happy to point out that she didn't "need" me. Yet now she does because her affair partner has no money and wont give it to her if he does. She makes just enough to pay the bills and the mortgage, because she doesnt want to move in with her mom a mile down the road like i had to do, because why should her lifestyle change any just because she chose to have an affair. And of course she would rather me give her money so she can afford the house and OM can live there for free and cancel his apartment lease and use that extra money to pay for dinners out and vacations. And why should i give her money based on 50/50 custody when i keep the kids about 18 days per month compared to her 12 or so, because she chooses to go out friday and saturday nights and i choose to take the kids instead of letting her mom keep them. Not to mention how she miraculously has money to go out but doesnt have money when the kids need a school book or new clothes.
> And I don't mind spending every penny I have to improve and sustain the kids' quality of living. But I don't want to also improve my ex wife's quality of life by default. I was already doing that when she chose to give that up for an affair.
> 
> And if you get triggered so easily from simply reading a stranger's post on the internet, I wonder what goes on behind closed doors when you get triggered and have your kids around you? Maybe you aren't cut out for single parenthood and need a man to help take care of you. You may not be as strong as the countless other single mothers in the world and even the great women right here in this forum.
> 
> I know there are men out there that don't want to pay child support and expect the mother to work and raise the kids on her own. But that's not me. If it was up to me, I would have full custody and pay 100% of the kids' expenses, and let them occasionally spend a few nights with their mom whenever they wanted to. Which she had originally agreed to do before I filed for divorce. But she spoke to some people and they talked her out of that. But if I get my way and we end up doing that arrangement, I am 99% certain that she will ask to keep them less and less until she sees them for an hour or two once per month. And then a year or two from now, she will get a different job or marry some sucker and try to fight me and get the kids back and force them to spend time with her after they are even more attached to me and it causes them more trauma to be away from me.
> 
> And to answer the other posters, i work in the chemical plant/refinery industry. I have to be at work between 430 and 5 am while on days and 430 and 5pm when on nights. And it rotates every few days. So either I have to wake the kids up with me at 3am and bring them somewhere to drop off, or have someone come to my house and sit with them until 6am and get them ready for school. And i also have to get someone to watch them when I am working nights. And plants run 24/7 nonstop. I have to be at work on time to relieve the other person so he/she can go home and rest to come back in 12 hours to relieve me. So there is no way the employer will adjust my schedule. I have to rely on family members or find some kind of in home nanny. But it's pretty scary to have a stranger spending that much time alone with my kids. The one positive thing about my schedule though, is that I only work 7 days out of every 2 weeks, instead of 10 days like most people. So that leaves me with more days off to play with the kids.
> 
> That reminds me of another thing. If I have to pay my ex, that means I will have to work overtime and on my days off to support her. So that takes away much of my time I could spend with the kids. So why can't she work on her days off instead to pay her bills and mortgage? Why should I have to work my days off so she can have more free time to devote to her affair?
> 
> I'm sorry for the rant. I never do that and am not the type to argue with people on the internet, but it really bothers me when a woman like "shesstillgotit" thinks she is special because she jumps on the single mother bandwagon and tries to take credit and compare herself to the many single mothers that really do have it bad and have to struggle terribly everyday just to put food on the table. And someone like her thinks she is struggling because she has to drive a Ford instead of a Porsche. And has to help with homework instead of laying on the couch watching American Idol in the evenings. And has to drive to the lake for vacation instead of flying to Hawaii.
> 
> My one and only female friend is a single mother of two boys, who was abused by her husband and almost killed and had to escape to save her and her kids' lives. She struggles everyday and gets no help or money from anyone. And she has a few hours to rest every Sunday, but chooses to bring her kids to church instead of sleeping in or watching tv, so they will grow up with a good religious background. And she also manages to find time every month to volunteer and help other abuse victims. And she never complains or tries to lecture strangers on the internet. She is a real woman and is raising 2 dang good little boys. And she tells me I am the best and most hard working father she knows. She knows my whole story and said I am a wuss if I end up giving my spoiled, pathetic ex a dime.
> 
> And she is just one of many great mothers who are exactly like her And doesn't think they are special or deserve recognition because they have some struggles.
> 
> And "shesstillgotit", save yourself the time of trying to post a long reply explaining how you have it so bad and struggle like the other REAL single mothers out there, I don't care. Use that time instead to catch up on your housework or do something fun with your kids.


THIS post is legend. For once..... a guy speaks up. After dealing with brow beatings.

Quite common on threads. I may make up another screen name just to like your post twice.

:allhail:


----------



## alexm

> THIS post is legend. For once..... a guy speaks up. After dealing with brow beatings.
> 
> Quite common on threads. I may make up another screen name just to like your post twice.
> 
> :allhail:


There are elements of truth to both sides in this, so let's not beat up on she'sstillgotit. It's a matter of perspective after all. Perhaps she was a little harsh, and perhaps she was triggered, but that kind of thing goes on here ALL the time.

Were there assumptions made? Well, yes. But unfortunately, not all men/fathers are like Collin. My own wife's ex and father of her children was (is) not like him, and her frustration at these types of men would be justified in his case.

The reality is that it IS the mother who most often has to make all these sacrifices - or at least more of them.

10 years removed from her ex, my wife is still living this (and now I am, too). I am more of a father to the kids than the real dad is, despite his insistence back then that custody be 50/50 to avoid alimony. It is what it is, and we just live with it - and accept that the kids are with us 70% of the time. It's honestly fine with us, and we can afford it anyway, so at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.

When you start looking at it from the perspective of somebody wins and somebody loses, that's just detrimental to the whole process of parenting. While it irks us that bio dad changes the schedule ("sorry, something came up, can't make it"), the reality is that he is the one that suffers (or will suffer) in the long run. He can tell them all he wants "sorry buddy, had to work late", but all they hear is that something else is more important.

Around here, the schedule is 'supposed' to be 50/50. What it actually is is 70/30. The young one sleeps there one weekend every 2 weeks, and is picked up twice a week for about 3 hours. Often late, so he eats dinner here those nights, too. It's already at the point where it's more of a hassle for him than anything. And on the weekends he's over there, they don't often do anything, and thus he misses out on things we'd otherwise do over here, as a family.

He's old enough to start putting 2 and 2 together, and he now regards this as 'home' - not over there. There have been numerous times where he's asked if he can stay here instead, and we're always happy to oblige, provided bio dad is okay with it (sometimes he's not...). Once he's a teenager, I can guarantee he'll spend less and less time over there, and bio dad will have to deal.

The long and the short of it is that bio dad insisted on 50/50 custody and split of everything, and has never come through. Whether it's working late or some other reason, the reality is that the kids aren't priority number one at all times. Over here, they are, including by me. And the kids SEE this - he doesn't, not yet, anyway.

Unfortunately, this IS the norm for many divorced dads, and she'sstillgotit's post was not unwarranted in general. To Collin, it obviously was, and perhaps he deserves an apology as a result. But she also doesn't deserve a pile-on for her post, IMO. Over all, she's not wrong - she just was to this particular divorced dad.


----------



## MJJEAN

@collin8550

My friend works a similar schedule at a local plastics plant. She always said anyone opening a home daycare for 2nd & 3rd shift workers would make a mint off her co-workers alone.

Could your single mom friend babysit for you? Of course, you'd pay her. You get daycare you trust and she makes extra money. Win win.

If not, do you have a notices board at work? Friend had one in her company break room and advertised for a sitter. A SAHM married to a fellow employee took the sitter job as she was used to the shift schedule.


----------



## arbitrator

collin8550 said:


> Made this new post since the original kept getting messed up. I'll try to put a link in the old thread if I can figure it out.
> 
> Anyways, WW has stopped texting and trying to get back together the past few days. She didn't even call to talk to the kids the last few days they were with me.
> 
> Today when I dropped them off to her, she went crazy and said she can't afford the house anymore. And said I should just take the kids because she has no money and can't even afford to drive to work tomorrow (funny though because we had to wait at her house for her to get home from the store 15 miles away).
> 
> She threw some bags of my clothes that she had out the door for me to pick up and then was trying to argue with me in front of the kids as I was getting in the car to leave. As I shut the car door to leave, she opened it back up and was arguing still.
> 
> She also said she has done nothing but try to be nice and make the divorce easy for me and the kids, and I am wrong for making things difficult.
> 
> Then she called my mom later (who I am currently staying with) and told her all the same stuff. She also told her that she is done and no longer wants me to come home.
> 
> Then she sent me a long text saying I am mooching off my parents and that they don't really want me here and that she is going to go against the terms of the separation and take the kids and go live with OM since he is a friend and will help her out since I won't.
> 
> I told my friend all this earlier, and she said I should call the lawyer tomorrow and try to get full custody. I want to do that but I don't think I can handle them full time on my own. I start a new job in 1 month, that pays a lot more, so I will be able to get my own place and have more options. But with my schedule it will still be hard to get the kids to and from daycare/school.
> 
> So now I feel pretty down and am worried about the kids and also worried about WW trying to get me to finance her affair once she finds out I have a new job eventually.


*Collin: Sorry to see you going through this mess but sounds as if you are married to an angry faithless, unconsciable, unrepentant cheater!

First off, she needs to know some ground rules:
You are no longer in the business of being a sounding board for her emotional tirades! Same goes for your kids as well as your parents ~ in person, on the phone, or otherwise! Keep a journal detailing dates, times and sites of such occurrences! 

Since it's apparent that you will end up with custody of the kids, make your situation known to your employer! If you are a valued employee, they will sympathize and help you out to the best of their ability, whether it is additional time to shuttle them around or for you to procure someone to perform that task for you! 

Sorry to see you in this mess, my friend, but coming to TAM for help and honest counsel was one of the better choices that you will ever make!

Stay strong!

And if you don't have one, get yourself a good "piranha" family attorney who will do his damndest to drag her drawers through the mud for all of her prevarications! 

Those kids need a leader ~ that, unfortunately, is nowhere to be found in her job description!*


----------



## wmn1

collin8550 said:


> All of you who have followed the original thread from the beginning, thanks for the comments. And those of you that just jumped in, especially you "she'sstillgotit", you dont know what you are talking about. We have 50/50 custody but I keep the kids about 70% of the time because my ex doesnt want them. And when she does have them she is constantly calling to try and get me to discipline the kids over the phone because she cant handle a little stress and does crazy stuff, such as fuss at a stranger over the internet.
> 
> There are plenty of single fathers out there, but you dont hear about them because no one feels sorry or has sympathy for men. And i guarantee I am 10 times a better parent than your sexist, bitter @$$. I know you are tired after leaving your airconditioned office after a busy 8 hour day of handling your bosses dry cleaning and keeping track of her meetings and her kids soccer schedule. But as parents we have to find the strength to keep going.
> 
> My ex earned more money than me our entire marriage. And she was happy to point out that she didn't "need" me. Yet now she does because her affair partner has no money and wont give it to her if he does. She makes just enough to pay the bills and the mortgage, because she doesnt want to move in with her mom a mile down the road like i had to do, because why should her lifestyle change any just because she chose to have an affair. And of course she would rather me give her money so she can afford the house and OM can live there for free and cancel his apartment lease and use that extra money to pay for dinners out and vacations. And why should i give her money based on 50/50 custody when i keep the kids about 18 days per month compared to her 12 or so, because she chooses to go out friday and saturday nights and i choose to take the kids instead of letting her mom keep them. Not to mention how she miraculously has money to go out but doesnt have money when the kids need a school book or new clothes.
> And I don't mind spending every penny I have to improve and sustain the kids' quality of living. But I don't want to also improve my ex wife's quality of life by default. I was already doing that when she chose to give that up for an affair.
> 
> And if you get triggered so easily from simply reading a stranger's post on the internet, I wonder what goes on behind closed doors when you get triggered and have your kids around you? Maybe you aren't cut out for single parenthood and need a man to help take care of you. You may not be as strong as the countless other single mothers in the world and even the great women right here in this forum.
> 
> I know there are men out there that don't want to pay child support and expect the mother to work and raise the kids on her own. But that's not me. If it was up to me, I would have full custody and pay 100% of the kids' expenses, and let them occasionally spend a few nights with their mom whenever they wanted to. Which she had originally agreed to do before I filed for divorce. But she spoke to some people and they talked her out of that. But if I get my way and we end up doing that arrangement, I am 99% certain that she will ask to keep them less and less until she sees them for an hour or two once per month. And then a year or two from now, she will get a different job or marry some sucker and try to fight me and get the kids back and force them to spend time with her after they are even more attached to me and it causes them more trauma to be away from me.
> 
> And to answer the other posters, i work in the chemical plant/refinery industry. I have to be at work between 430 and 5 am while on days and 430 and 5pm when on nights. And it rotates every few days. So either I have to wake the kids up with me at 3am and bring them somewhere to drop off, or have someone come to my house and sit with them until 6am and get them ready for school. And i also have to get someone to watch them when I am working nights. And plants run 24/7 nonstop. I have to be at work on time to relieve the other person so he/she can go home and rest to come back in 12 hours to relieve me. So there is no way the employer will adjust my schedule. I have to rely on family members or find some kind of in home nanny. But it's pretty scary to have a stranger spending that much time alone with my kids. The one positive thing about my schedule though, is that I only work 7 days out of every 2 weeks, instead of 10 days like most people. So that leaves me with more days off to play with the kids.
> 
> That reminds me of another thing. If I have to pay my ex, that means I will have to work overtime and on my days off to support her. So that takes away much of my time I could spend with the kids. So why can't she work on her days off instead to pay her bills and mortgage? Why should I have to work my days off so she can have more free time to devote to her affair?
> 
> I'm sorry for the rant. I never do that and am not the type to argue with people on the internet, but it really bothers me when a woman like "shesstillgotit" thinks she is special because she jumps on the single mother bandwagon and tries to take credit and compare herself to the many single mothers that really do have it bad and have to struggle terribly everyday just to put food on the table. And someone like her thinks she is struggling because she has to drive a Ford instead of a Porsche. And has to help with homework instead of laying on the couch watching American Idol in the evenings. And has to drive to the lake for vacation instead of flying to Hawaii.
> 
> My one and only female friend is a single mother of two boys, who was abused by her husband and almost killed and had to escape to save her and her kids' lives. She struggles everyday and gets no help or money from anyone. And she has a few hours to rest every Sunday, but chooses to bring her kids to church instead of sleeping in or watching tv, so they will grow up with a good religious background. And she also manages to find time every month to volunteer and help other abuse victims. And she never complains or tries to lecture strangers on the internet. She is a real woman and is raising 2 dang good little boys. And she tells me I am the best and most hard working father she knows. She knows my whole story and said I am a wuss if I end up giving my spoiled, pathetic ex a dime.
> 
> And she is just one of many great mothers who are exactly like her And doesn't think they are special or deserve recognition because they have some struggles.
> 
> And "shesstillgotit", save yourself the time of trying to post a long reply explaining how you have it so bad and struggle like the other REAL single mothers out there, I don't care. Use that time instead to catch up on your housework or do something fun with your kids.




amen. 

Great post.

BTW, keep moving forward Collin and be vigilant. You deserve so much more


----------



## wmn1

Chuck71 said:


> THIS post is legend. For once..... a guy speaks up. After dealing with brow beatings.
> 
> Quite common on threads. I may make up another screen name just to like your post twice.
> 
> :allhail:



love it


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## phillybeffandswiss

.... Not going to derail the thread.


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## Marc878

So it's time to say "be careful what you ask for you might get it".

Poor muffin she's angry because her cake got taken away.


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## lisamaree

Collin, I am sorry you are here. I'm going to be honest that I haven't read your other thread but I wanted to throw out some ideas about the childcare situation. You mention you are staying with your parents, are they able to help you at all? Could you drop them at your parent's house all dressed and ready to go with a packed breakfast and they just drive them to school in the morning when the kids wake up for school? In the evenings maybe you do similar with a packed dinner, dressed in PJ's and bathed, and ready for bed and then you pick them up after your shift? At least temporarily til you figure something else out? Maybe comp them for their time and gas whatever you can afford to pay.

Just an idea. I remember my mother was a single mother and she was an RN. She worked night shift a lot and we would go to a overnight daycare (I'm not sure if they have those anywhere but maybe you can look into that as well) and we'd sleep until she came to pick us up and drop us at school. Things aren't always perfect but you have to do what you can. I remember having to walk to a friend's house after school and have dinner at their house many times (my mom comped them for dinner) and my mom would come late night to pick me up. I don't even know your childrens' ages but that may also be an option as well for some days if you know any of their friends' parents.


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## collin8550

Thanks everyone. 

Things have been going pretty good the past couple weeks. WW hasn't bothered me at all since early June I think. So I guess her and OM are getting along good. 
We usually swap the kids on Sundays around noon or later. She brought them Sunday morning without even talking to me first to make sure I was home or to make sure I didn't have a lady friend over (not that I would anyway, but she doesn't know that). So when she showed up I had just got out the bed and her and the kids were tapping on the bedroom window thinking I was still asleep. So I told her to talk to me first before bringing the kids and she flipped out and tried to fight but I went in and shut the door. Then she sent a bunch of texts trying to get me to fight.

But other than that I haven't heard much from her. She looked terrible though. Much fatter and just terrible looking overall. I almost feel sorry for OM that he has to be with someone that ugly and crazy. 
But I think this may be the longest she has gone yet without trying to get me to come home or stop the divorce. And the end of May and early June was the longest she has ever gone with begging me to get back together. So maybe all that is over with for good. But it's probably more likely that her and OM made up over whatever they were fighting about a month ago and are due for another fight. 

I met with the lawyer last week about getting more than the current 50/50 custody, but he pretty much talked me out of trying and said it would be better just to do what we are currently doing if she keeps giving them to me a lot during her time. 

Also, I'm thinking I can get my own house soon, and since I work shift work, on the 3 or 4 days I have to work every week, I can stay at my parents with the kids and let them bring the kids to school. And i can find someone else to help eventually.


----------



## Chuck71

Things will eventually smooth out. The kids will get into a routine. Glad your parents are there to help!

Her wanting to fight is her wanting to anger dump on you. Why.... she is mad at POSOM but can't take

it out on him.... he might leave. Then she has to start begging you back again. She doesn't have 

that scheduled until early August. You see her pattern now. Keep your focus on you

and the kids. And just laugh at your XWs antics. The more you move on, the more funny you

will see them. Great progress Collin......


----------



## 3Xnocharm

She was for sure out of line showing up hours early to drop them off. What would she have done if you werent there, just left them by themselves? Good for you for not letting her goad you into a fight. I think you are starting to see just how much better off you are without her!


----------



## JohnA

I think @She'sStillGotIt point still stands in general, if not to Collin's. I hate how many men yield on custody because they don't see how they can do it. Bull, if their WS can do it, so can they. 

Collin, the plan to let your kids stay with your folks on work days sounds like a winner. You and Danny seem like trend setters in that from Day one you both want all the custody you could get. Hope to see more guys like you two in the future.


----------



## Chuck71

JohnA said:


> I think @[B]She'sStillGotIt point still stands in general, if not to Collin's. I hate how many men yield on custody because they don't see how they can do it. Bull, if their WS can do it, so can they. [/B]
> 
> Collin, the plan to let your kids stay with your folks on work days sounds like a winner. You and Danny seem like trend setters in that from Day one you both want all the custody you could get. Hope to see more guys like you two in the future.


Because the courts are slanted. I've never had kids but would more than welcome an open 

debate about it. I've seen too many friends and close friends get their throat cut by the court system.


----------



## JustTheFacts

So far so good. All the best for you.


----------



## JohnA

Agreed @Chuck71 but the guys who did read the laws, got good lawyers and gamed the system. If custody is a 100 yard dash woman have anywhere from a 50 yard start to an 80 yard start, unless the husband is proactive from the first day of a child's birth. 

Water always runs downhill. Create a channel and it will flow. "Best interest of the child" study it, live it.

Danny's thread is a case study 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/372466-between-rock-hard-place-ws-2-a.html


----------



## bandit.45

Keep on keeping on Collin. You're doing fine.


----------



## Stang197

collin8550 said:


> All of you who have followed the original thread from the beginning, thanks for the comments. And those of you that just jumped in, especially you "she'sstillgotit", you dont know what you are talking about. We have 50/50 custody but I keep the kids about 70% of the time because my ex doesnt want them. And when she does have them she is constantly calling to try and get me to discipline the kids over the phone because she cant handle a little stress and does crazy stuff, such as fuss at a stranger over the internet.
> 
> There are plenty of single fathers out there, but you dont hear about them because no one feels sorry or has sympathy for men. And i guarantee I am 10 times a better parent than your sexist, bitter @$$. I know you are tired after leaving your airconditioned office after a busy 8 hour day of handling your bosses dry cleaning and keeping track of her meetings and her kids soccer schedule. But as parents we have to find the strength to keep going.
> 
> My ex earned more money than me our entire marriage. And she was happy to point out that she didn't "need" me. Yet now she does because her affair partner has no money and wont give it to her if he does. She makes just enough to pay the bills and the mortgage, because she doesnt want to move in with her mom a mile down the road like i had to do, because why should her lifestyle change any just because she chose to have an affair. And of course she would rather me give her money so she can afford the house and OM can live there for free and cancel his apartment lease and use that extra money to pay for dinners out and vacations. And why should i give her money based on 50/50 custody when i keep the kids about 18 days per month compared to her 12 or so, because she chooses to go out friday and saturday nights and i choose to take the kids instead of letting her mom keep them. Not to mention how she miraculously has money to go out but doesnt have money when the kids need a school book or new clothes.
> And I don't mind spending every penny I have to improve and sustain the kids' quality of living. But I don't want to also improve my ex wife's quality of life by default. I was already doing that when she chose to give that up for an affair.
> 
> And if you get triggered so easily from simply reading a stranger's post on the internet, I wonder what goes on behind closed doors when you get triggered and have your kids around you? Maybe you aren't cut out for single parenthood and need a man to help take care of you. You may not be as strong as the countless other single mothers in the world and even the great women right here in this forum.
> 
> I know there are men out there that don't want to pay child support and expect the mother to work and raise the kids on her own. But that's not me. If it was up to me, I would have full custody and pay 100% of the kids' expenses, and let them occasionally spend a few nights with their mom whenever they wanted to. Which she had originally agreed to do before I filed for divorce. But she spoke to some people and they talked her out of that. But if I get my way and we end up doing that arrangement, I am 99% certain that she will ask to keep them less and less until she sees them for an hour or two once per month. And then a year or two from now, she will get a different job or marry some sucker and try to fight me and get the kids back and force them to spend time with her after they are even more attached to me and it causes them more trauma to be away from me.
> 
> And to answer the other posters, i work in the chemical plant/refinery industry. I have to be at work between 430 and 5 am while on days and 430 and 5pm when on nights. And it rotates every few days. So either I have to wake the kids up with me at 3am and bring them somewhere to drop off, or have someone come to my house and sit with them until 6am and get them ready for school. And i also have to get someone to watch them when I am working nights. And plants run 24/7 nonstop. I have to be at work on time to relieve the other person so he/she can go home and rest to come back in 12 hours to relieve me. So there is no way the employer will adjust my schedule. I have to rely on family members or find some kind of in home nanny. But it's pretty scary to have a stranger spending that much time alone with my kids. The one positive thing about my schedule though, is that I only work 7 days out of every 2 weeks, instead of 10 days like most people. So that leaves me with more days off to play with the kids.
> 
> That reminds me of another thing. If I have to pay my ex, that means I will have to work overtime and on my days off to support her. So that takes away much of my time I could spend with the kids. So why can't she work on her days off instead to pay her bills and mortgage? Why should I have to work my days off so she can have more free time to devote to her affair?
> 
> I'm sorry for the rant. I never do that and am not the type to argue with people on the internet, but it really bothers me when a woman like "shesstillgotit" thinks she is special because she jumps on the single mother bandwagon and tries to take credit and compare herself to the many single mothers that really do have it bad and have to struggle terribly everyday just to put food on the table. And someone like her thinks she is struggling because she has to drive a Ford instead of a Porsche. And has to help with homework instead of laying on the couch watching American Idol in the evenings. And has to drive to the lake for vacation instead of flying to Hawaii.
> 
> My one and only female friend is a single mother of two boys, who was abused by her husband and almost killed and had to escape to save her and her kids' lives. She struggles everyday and gets no help or money from anyone. And she has a few hours to rest every Sunday, but chooses to bring her kids to church instead of sleeping in or watching tv, so they will grow up with a good religious background. And she also manages to find time every month to volunteer and help other abuse victims. And she never complains or tries to lecture strangers on the internet. She is a real woman and is raising 2 dang good little boys. And she tells me I am the best and most hard working father she knows. She knows my whole story and said I am a wuss if I end up giving my spoiled, pathetic ex a dime.
> 
> And she is just one of many great mothers who are exactly like her And doesn't think they are special or deserve recognition because they have some struggles.
> 
> And "shesstillgotit", save yourself the time of trying to post a long reply explaining how you have it so bad and struggle like the other REAL single mothers out there, I don't care. Use that time instead to catch up on your housework or do something fun with your kids.



I know this post is older but BRAVO! Perfect response. Love it.


----------



## Stang197

collin8550 said:


> All of you who have followed the original thread from the beginning, thanks for the comments. And those of you that just jumped in, especially you "she'sstillgotit", you dont know what you are talking about. We have 50/50 custody but I keep the kids about 70% of the time because my ex doesnt want them. And when she does have them she is constantly calling to try and get me to discipline the kids over the phone because she cant handle a little stress and does crazy stuff, such as fuss at a stranger over the internet.
> 
> There are plenty of single fathers out there, but you dont hear about them because no one feels sorry or has sympathy for men. And i guarantee I am 10 times a better parent than your sexist, bitter @$$. I know you are tired after leaving your airconditioned office after a busy 8 hour day of handling your bosses dry cleaning and keeping track of her meetings and her kids soccer schedule. But as parents we have to find the strength to keep going.
> 
> My ex earned more money than me our entire marriage. And she was happy to point out that she didn't "need" me. Yet now she does because her affair partner has no money and wont give it to her if he does. She makes just enough to pay the bills and the mortgage, because she doesnt want to move in with her mom a mile down the road like i had to do, because why should her lifestyle change any just because she chose to have an affair. And of course she would rather me give her money so she can afford the house and OM can live there for free and cancel his apartment lease and use that extra money to pay for dinners out and vacations. And why should i give her money based on 50/50 custody when i keep the kids about 18 days per month compared to her 12 or so, because she chooses to go out friday and saturday nights and i choose to take the kids instead of letting her mom keep them. Not to mention how she miraculously has money to go out but doesnt have money when the kids need a school book or new clothes.
> And I don't mind spending every penny I have to improve and sustain the kids' quality of living. But I don't want to also improve my ex wife's quality of life by default. I was already doing that when she chose to give that up for an affair.
> 
> And if you get triggered so easily from simply reading a stranger's post on the internet, I wonder what goes on behind closed doors when you get triggered and have your kids around you? Maybe you aren't cut out for single parenthood and need a man to help take care of you. You may not be as strong as the countless other single mothers in the world and even the great women right here in this forum.
> 
> I know there are men out there that don't want to pay child support and expect the mother to work and raise the kids on her own. But that's not me. If it was up to me, I would have full custody and pay 100% of the kids' expenses, and let them occasionally spend a few nights with their mom whenever they wanted to. Which she had originally agreed to do before I filed for divorce. But she spoke to some people and they talked her out of that. But if I get my way and we end up doing that arrangement, I am 99% certain that she will ask to keep them less and less until she sees them for an hour or two once per month. And then a year or two from now, she will get a different job or marry some sucker and try to fight me and get the kids back and force them to spend time with her after they are even more attached to me and it causes them more trauma to be away from me.
> 
> And to answer the other posters, i work in the chemical plant/refinery industry. I have to be at work between 430 and 5 am while on days and 430 and 5pm when on nights. And it rotates every few days. So either I have to wake the kids up with me at 3am and bring them somewhere to drop off, or have someone come to my house and sit with them until 6am and get them ready for school. And i also have to get someone to watch them when I am working nights. And plants run 24/7 nonstop. I have to be at work on time to relieve the other person so he/she can go home and rest to come back in 12 hours to relieve me. So there is no way the employer will adjust my schedule. I have to rely on family members or find some kind of in home nanny. But it's pretty scary to have a stranger spending that much time alone with my kids. The one positive thing about my schedule though, is that I only work 7 days out of every 2 weeks, instead of 10 days like most people. So that leaves me with more days off to play with the kids.
> 
> That reminds me of another thing. If I have to pay my ex, that means I will have to work overtime and on my days off to support her. So that takes away much of my time I could spend with the kids. So why can't she work on her days off instead to pay her bills and mortgage? Why should I have to work my days off so she can have more free time to devote to her affair?
> 
> I'm sorry for the rant. I never do that and am not the type to argue with people on the internet, but it really bothers me when a woman like "shesstillgotit" thinks she is special because she jumps on the single mother bandwagon and tries to take credit and compare herself to the many single mothers that really do have it bad and have to struggle terribly everyday just to put food on the table. And someone like her thinks she is struggling because she has to drive a Ford instead of a Porsche. And has to help with homework instead of laying on the couch watching American Idol in the evenings. And has to drive to the lake for vacation instead of flying to Hawaii.
> 
> My one and only female friend is a single mother of two boys, who was abused by her husband and almost killed and had to escape to save her and her kids' lives. She struggles everyday and gets no help or money from anyone. And she has a few hours to rest every Sunday, but chooses to bring her kids to church instead of sleeping in or watching tv, so they will grow up with a good religious background. And she also manages to find time every month to volunteer and help other abuse victims. And she never complains or tries to lecture strangers on the internet. She is a real woman and is raising 2 dang good little boys. And she tells me I am the best and most hard working father she knows. She knows my whole story and said I am a wuss if I end up giving my spoiled, pathetic ex a dime.
> 
> And she is just one of many great mothers who are exactly like her And doesn't think they are special or deserve recognition because they have some struggles.
> 
> And "shesstillgotit", save yourself the time of trying to post a long reply explaining how you have it so bad and struggle like the other REAL single mothers out there, I don't care. Use that time instead to catch up on your housework or do something fun with your kids.



I know this post is older but BRAVO! Perfect response. Love it.


----------



## collin8550

Just checking in. Nothing really has changed in the past couple months. 
I had a birthday party for our 4 year old a couple weekends ago. WW had been asking if we could have a party for him together at her house, but I told her I wanted to have my own party at my house for my family and friends, because we aren't comfortable going to her house. She didn't like that idea and said we should have one party so he wouldn't get spoiled from having two parties. So I just ignored her. 
The day of the party, she was unaware that I had went thru with the party. She called to talk to the kids and they told her we were in the middle of a party, and she flipped out. She called my mom and yelled at her. She texted me a bunch of texts complaining that it was SELFISH for me to throw him a party, and that it's not fair that I took that from her because "you know how much I look forward to decorating and having his parties"
She was also angry because my lady friend, whom she is convinced I am dating, was there at the party with her kids.

That lasted a few days with her being mad. She tried to go to a lawyer and get me to have to pay her money for child support since I have a much better paying job now, but nothing ever came of it.
A few days later, she started trying to be nice and started sending random texts like she always does right before she starts begging me to take her back. But it finally died down and she never said much else and i havent heard from her for a few days. 
Before all of this happened, it had been at least 6 weeks since she bothered me about getting back together or tried to complain or be mean.
I think this is the longest it's been without her bothering me. So maybe it's finally done and she has given up on hope that I will take her back.
Or maybe her and OM haven't been fighting much and are getting along good, so she has no reason to bother me. Either way, it has been nice and peaceful, except for that week of stress after the birthday party.


----------



## GusPolinski

As you've discovered, nothing drives a crazy ***** even crazier quite like being ignored.

Bravo, sir.

How're things going in terms of the actual divorce process?


----------



## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> Just checking in. Nothing really has changed in the past couple months.
> I had a birthday party for our 4 year old a couple weekends ago. WW had been asking if we could have a party for him together at her house, but I told her I wanted to have my own party at my house for my family and friends, because we aren't comfortable going to her house. She didn't like that idea and said we should have one party so he wouldn't get spoiled from having two parties. So I just ignored her.
> The day of the party, she was unaware that I had went thru with the party. She called to talk to the kids and they told her we were in the middle of a party, and she flipped out. She called my mom and yelled at her. She texted me a bunch of texts complaining that it was SELFISH for me to throw him a party, and that it's not fair that I took that from her because "you know how much I look forward to decorating and having his parties"
> She was also angry because my lady friend, whom she is convinced I am dating, was there at the party with her kids.
> 
> That lasted a few days with her being mad. She tried to go to a lawyer and get me to have to pay her money for child support since I have a much better paying job now, but nothing ever came of it.
> A few days later, she started trying to be nice and started sending random texts like she always does right before she starts begging me to take her back. But it finally died down and she never said much else and i havent heard from her for a few days.
> Before all of this happened, it had been at least 6 weeks since she bothered me about getting back together or tried to complain or be mean.
> I think this is the longest it's been without her bothering me. So maybe it's finally done and she has given up on hope that I will take her back.
> Or maybe her and OM haven't been fighting much and are getting along good, so she has no reason to bother me. Either way, it has been nice and peaceful, except for that week of stress after the birthday party.


Next time just hang up on her.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Just checking in. Nothing really has changed in the past couple months.
> I had a birthday party for our 4 year old a couple weekends ago. WW had been asking if we could have a party for him together at her house, but I told her I wanted to have my own party at my house for my family and friends, because we aren't comfortable going to her house. She didn't like that idea and said we should have one party so he wouldn't get spoiled from having two parties. So I just ignored her.
> The day of the party, she was unaware that I had went thru with the party. She called to talk to the kids and they told her we were in the middle of a party, and she flipped out. She called my mom and yelled at her. She texted me a bunch of texts complaining that it was SELFISH for me to throw him a party, and that it's not fair that I took that from her because "you know how much I look forward to decorating and having his parties"
> She was also angry because my lady friend, whom she is convinced I am dating, was there at the party with her kids.
> 
> That lasted a few days with her being mad. She tried to go to a lawyer and get me to have to pay her money for child support since I have a much better paying job now, but nothing ever came of it.
> A few days later, she started trying to be nice and started sending random texts like she always does right before she starts begging me to take her back. But it finally died down and she never said much else and i havent heard from her for a few days.
> Before all of this happened, it had been at least 6 weeks since she bothered me about getting back together or tried to complain or be mean.
> I think this is the longest it's been without her bothering me. *So maybe it's finally done and she has given up on hope that I will take her back.*
> Or maybe her and OM haven't been fighting much and are getting along good, so she has no reason to bother me. Either way, it has been nice and peaceful, except for that week of stress after the birthday party.


LOL......... she is a long way from being done, trust me.

Learn to say -I'm sorry you feel that way- if she continues.... -I see things otherwise- and...

if she's on a roll.... -Done yet?- Hang up.

She is saying the same thing over and over, just changing the words.


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## BobSimmons

collin8550 said:


> Much fatter and just terrible looking overall. I almost feel sorry for OM that he has to be with someone that ugly and crazy.


I'd imagine if you were still with her, any weight gain and change in appearance would have forced you to divorce her, being that ugly..

Interesting how perception shifts though..or the need to outwardly de-objectify in order for semblance of piece of mind.


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## VFW

The purpose of having one party at her house, is so she can control the situation. You were wise to have your own party, in fact it would be good to start new traditions as part of your new life. Your time and attention is the most precious commodity that you have and what they crave. The same is true of your ex, when you wouldn't beg her to come back, see started acting negatively, just to get your attention. Now you have failed to respond to her tantrums, this really ticks her off, so she moves on to your mother. I have found that the best way to deal with this irrational behavior is to act even more calm. Lower your voice, speak slower, let her rant, but don't respond. When she demands a response just let her know that it is unfortunate that she is stressed over the situation that we just need to move on, that this conversation is obviously going nowhere at this time, so lets reflect on the situation and talk another time, goodbye now (and then hang up the phone). I see an great improvement from your earlier posts, so you are definitely making progress, though it may not always feel like that to you. Hang tough brother, you are on course for a great new life.


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## Rubix Cubed

BobSimmons said:


> I'd imagine if you were still with her, any weight gain and change in appearance would have forced you to divorce her, being that ugly..
> 
> Interesting how perception shifts though..or the need to outwardly de-objectify in order for semblance of piece of mind.


Or maybe she has always been that way and now Collin sees her for what she really is, after all Love is blind. When he loved her he saw her as perfect, now not so much.


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## 3Xnocharm

Geez, you can do whatever birthday stuff for your own kid that you want to do, none of her damn business. No one told her that SHE was forbidden to have a party too, and that excuse about spoiling him is crap. So what if it spoils him a little bit, his parents just split up, for crying out loud, two birthdays is one of the FUN things that gets to happen because of that, LOL. You are doing a good job not giving her the attention she seems to think she can demand, just stick with it and eventually that crap will stop.


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## Mr Blunt

> *i keep the kids about 18 days per month compared to her 12* or so, because she chooses to go out friday and saturday nights and i choose to take the kids instead of letting her mom keep them. Not to mention how she miraculously has money to go out but *doesnt have money when the kids need a school book or new clothes.*


*Can you document the bold words above so that you may be able to get more custody in the future?*


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## collin8550

Thanks everyone. 

The divorce is still taking forever. My state has a 1 year waiting period if kids are involved. So I have until January before I can finalize. 

I did speak to the lawyer about getting more custody since WW gives the kids to me a couple days earlier every week because she doesn't want them. But the lawyer said it's a gamble with this judge and that I could end up with worse custody. He said I will have a much better chance if she will hurry up and get rid of the house. And he said since she is giving me the kids more than she is required, that I should just enjoy that for now.

WW still hasn't mentioned getting back together for a month or so now. But she texts about the kids everyday just about, to discuss what she wants to get them for Christmas and how I think she should discipline them. Just stupid stuff that she has no reason speaking to me about. Just trying to pretend she is a good mother I suppose. But I don't fall for it and don't give her the satisfaction of discussing the kids unless it's something that is actually important.


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## collin8550

We are supposed to swap the kids on Sunday afternoons, but once again she messaged me on Saturday asking if I wanted them early.
Saturday morning I said yes, that I wanted them but wouldn't be able to get them until Saturday night. Saturday night i texted and said I was ready to get them and she said, "I don't want you to say that you keep them more than me. I was just asking if you wanted them because they asked if they could come stay with you".
I've gotten them a day or two early just about every weekend except for 3 in the past 10 months. 
She doesn't want the kids, but she doesn't want people to think less of her for not wanting them.


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## EleGirl

Just play it cool and take them every chance she gives. The more you have them the better.


----------



## honcho

collin8550 said:


> We are supposed to swap the kids on Sunday afternoons, but once again she messaged me on Saturday asking if I wanted them early.
> Saturday morning I said yes, that I wanted them but wouldn't be able to get them until Saturday night. Saturday night i texted and said I was ready to get them and she said, "I don't want you to say that you keep them more than me. I was just asking if you wanted them because they asked if they could come stay with you".
> I've gotten them a day or two early just about every weekend except for 3 in the past 10 months.
> She doesn't want the kids, but she doesn't want people to think less of her for not wanting them.


She isn't worried about people thinking less of her but screwing up child support or custody in court. Just play the game, if she asks questions like that play dumb


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> We are supposed to swap the kids on Sunday afternoons, but once again she messaged me on Saturday asking if I wanted them early.
> Saturday morning I said yes, that I wanted them but wouldn't be able to get them until Saturday night. Saturday night i texted and said I was ready to get them and she said, "I don't want you to say that you keep them more than me. I was just asking if you wanted them because they asked if they could come stay with you".
> I've gotten them a day or two early just about every weekend except for 3 in the past 10 months.
> She doesn't want the kids, but she doesn't want people to think less of her for not wanting them.


Document, document, document.


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## chillymorn69

Collin,

Your kids are lucky to have you. At least they have one very good parent!

Stay the course. Your the man!


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## Chuck71

Take advantage of the extra time for now. As the D final approaches.... bet the farm she will

want them more.... for custody % and child support. That way it would be easier for her to try and

control you through the kids. It's all a power thing..... always has been, always will be. 

Be aware a time may arise where she refuses for you to see the kids at all. Happens all the time.

Just read these boards to see.

Funny though... you never hear of a H doing that. Why? He'd be thrown under the jail.... that's why.


----------



## TAMAT

Collin,

You wrote, *She doesn't want the kids, but she doesn't want people to think less of her for not wanting them*.

Really sad what you wrote here, but I think it shows the incredible power of an affair to alienate people from their loved ones. 

Your WW will want them back when she is old and decrepit no doubt, or if she needs money from them. I've seen it happen. 

Tamat


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

GusPolinski said:


> Document, document, document.


Trust me, this is no joke. I talked a little about my friend who went through court mess. I told him to save all texts and emails. He now has full custody. Not saying this will happen for you, but documents were the key in making it happen. it's harder for a judge to say "best interest" when there is proof you are the primary parent.


----------



## Chuck71

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Trust me, this is no joke. I talked a little about my friend who went through court mess. I told him to save all texts and emails. He now has full custody. Not saying this will happen for you, but documents were the key in making it happen. it's harder for a judge to say "best interest" when there is proof you are the primary parent.


To add to PBnS..... "if you do not document it, it did NOT happen." Yes... sad but way it is....


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> We are supposed to swap the kids on Sunday afternoons, but once again she messaged me on Saturday asking if I wanted them early.
> Saturday morning I said yes, that I wanted them but wouldn't be able to get them until Saturday night. Saturday night i texted and said I was ready to get them and she said, "I don't want you to say that you keep them more than me. I was just asking if you wanted them because they asked if they could come stay with you".
> I've gotten them a day or two early just about every weekend except for 3 in the past 10 months.
> She doesn't want the kids, but she doesn't want people to think less of her for not wanting them.


Hows yousa doin?


----------



## collin8550

Hey I'm doing pretty good. Got another month or two before the divorce is final. Things have been fairly quiet for the past 2 months or so.
Our wedding anniversary was 2 months ago and WW was texting me for a week or so before then trying to ask if I still wanted to go thru with the divorce. I ignored her like always. I had forgotten all about the anniversary until she reminded me.
Lately she has been being super nice and in a good mood every time we swap the kids. She still occasionally texts about the kids and then follows thru by trying to go off topic about random stuff. I had to remind her a few days ago to only message me important stuff about the kids. It seems like she is trying to act like we are friends or still a couple.
I have been a little depressed for the past few weeks, but I've struggled with that for the past 25 years. I think I need to get the doctor to swap my medicine. It seems like no matter what kind of anti depressants I take, it stops working after a while and I have to change to something different. But other than that, I'm not sure why I have this very mild depression lately. Since I moved out a year ago, I've felt great nearly everyday, until the past couple weeks. 
Other than that, I've been doing great.


----------



## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> Hey I'm doing pretty good. Got another month or two before the divorce is final. Things have been fairly quiet for the past 2 months or so.
> Our wedding anniversary was 2 months ago and WW was texting me for a week or so before then trying to ask if I still wanted to go thru with the divorce. I ignored her like always. I had forgotten all about the anniversary until she reminded me.
> Lately she has been being super nice and in a good mood every time we swap the kids. She still occasionally texts about the kids and then follows thru by trying to go off topic about random stuff. I had to remind her a few days ago to only message me important stuff about the kids. It seems like she is trying to act like we are friends or still a couple.
> I have been a little depressed for the past few weeks, but I've struggled with that for the past 25 years. I think I need to get the doctor to swap my medicine. It seems like no matter what kind of anti depressants I take, it stops working after a while and I have to change to something different. But other than that, I'm not sure why I have this very mild depression lately. Since I moved out a year ago, I've felt great nearly everyday, until the past couple weeks.
> Other than that, I've been doing great.


Start working out you will be surprised how well this helps and the side effects are great too, as in you look better and have more energy.


----------



## Marc878

Stay on the hard 180. 

Let's be "friends" is just cheater script. They all do this.

Nice job!!!!


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Might just be the holiday blues. Quite common this time of year especially with the newly separated/divorced.


----------



## Suspicious1

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Might just be the holiday blues. Quite common this time of year especially with the newly separated/divorced.


Yup, first thing I think of as well. 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Hey I'm doing pretty good. Got another month or two before the divorce is final. Things have been fairly quiet for the past 2 months or so.
> Our wedding anniversary was 2 months ago and WW was texting me for a week or so before then trying to ask if I still wanted to go thru with the divorce. I ignored her like always. I had forgotten all about the anniversary until she reminded me.
> Lately she has been being super nice and in a good mood every time we swap the kids. She still occasionally texts about the kids and then follows thru by trying to go off topic about random stuff. I had to remind her a few days ago to only message me important stuff about the kids.* It seems like she is trying to act like we are friends or still a couple.*
> I have been a little depressed for the past few weeks, but I've struggled with that for the past 25 years. I think I need to get the doctor to swap my medicine. It seems like no matter what kind of anti depressants I take, it stops working after a while and I have to change to something different. But other than that, I'm not sure why I have this very mild depression lately. Since I moved out a year ago, I've felt great nearly everyday, until the past couple weeks.
> Other than that, I've been doing great.


That sounds VERY familiar.....

Do you think it may be because of the holidays and the extended hours of darkness?

Working 3rd shift can play a part too.

You have came through this disaster in excellent form. So many times a WW cries out she

is unhappy, trapped, miserable, and wants out. Then you give them what they want and....

work on yourself to be a better man. Then they chase you. #headscratcher


----------



## RonP

collin8550 said:


> Hey I'm doing pretty good. Got another month or two before the divorce is final. Things have been fairly quiet for the past 2 months or so.
> Our wedding anniversary was 2 months ago and WW was texting me for a week or so before then trying to ask if I still wanted to go thru with the divorce. I ignored her like always. I had forgotten all about the anniversary until she reminded me.
> Lately she has been being super nice and in a good mood every time we swap the kids. She still occasionally texts about the kids and then follows thru by trying to go off topic about random stuff. I had to remind her a few days ago to only message me important stuff about the kids. It seems like she is trying to act like we are friends or still a couple.
> I have been a little depressed for the past few weeks, but I've struggled with that for the past 25 years. I think I need to get the doctor to swap my medicine. It seems like no matter what kind of anti depressants I take, it stops working after a while and I have to change to something different. But other than that, I'm not sure why I have this very mild depression lately. Since I moved out a year ago, I've felt great nearly everyday, until the past couple weeks.
> Other than that, I've been doing great.


Re your medication, go back to the dr as it could mean the dose needs to be change, not necessarily the drug you are taking.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband

Chuck71 said:


> That sounds VERY familiar.....
> 
> Do you think it may be because of the holidays and the *extended hours of darkness?*
> 
> *Working 3rd shift can play a part too.*
> 
> You have came through this disaster in excellent form. So many times a WW cries out she
> 
> is unhappy, trapped, miserable, and wants out. Then you give them what they want and....
> 
> work on yourself to be a better man. Then they chase you. #headscratcher


On your days off, try get some sunshine! Take some walks outside to get fresh air and sunlight. The worst is behind you!!


----------



## SunCMars

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> On your days off, try get some sunshine! Take some walks outside to get fresh air and sunlight. The worst is behind you!!


Yes, stand in the light of the Sun...
Not mine! My light is out. Looking for that damn switch.

You.......... trip the light fantastic.

Pass on the sunglasses. Bare some skin, get some Sun/vitamin D. 
Maybe vitamin D supplements. D-3, not anything less.


----------



## collin8550

Probably is the holidays making me down. I've always had depression around the holidays since I was a teenager. It's not nearly as bad as it's been in the past though. Maybe that's the medicine helping. 
I agree with the exercise though. I definitely want to start that back up. Since I stopped exercising, I feel tired and lazy. And I'm out of shape now. I was in shape right at the time the separation started and I felt like I could do anything.

I think I will start back at the gym tomorrow. I have to eat better too. I've been eating a bunch of unhealthy junk lately. But I think if I fix all that I will be back to 100%.

Since we've been separated almost a year now, and WW seems to have calmed down in the past couple months, do you think she is accepting things now and all her craziness and bothering me to get back together may be done with now? We have the property dividing part of the divorce and finalization coming up next month or early February. So I suppose that could set her off again though.


----------



## GusPolinski

She’s likely just busy with holiday stuff.

Expect her to go off the deep end again in the days and weeks following your next set of interactions with her, and then again once she sees the final march to divorce within her sights.

Stick to the 180 and continue to document everything.


----------



## MJJEAN

collin8550 said:


> I have been a little depressed for the past few weeks, but I've struggled with that for the past 25 years. I think I need to get the doctor to swap my medicine. It seems like no matter what kind of anti depressants I take, it stops working after a while and I have to change to something different. But other than that, I'm not sure why I have this very mild depression lately. Since I moved out a year ago, I've felt great nearly everyday, until the past couple weeks.
> Other than that, I've been doing great.


Have you been evaluated for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)?


----------



## honcho

Once the date starts getting close to be surprised if she starts trying to talk to you and ramp up some craziness. Your in the lull in the storm right now.


----------



## BobSimmons

Rubix Cubed said:


> Or maybe she has always been that way and now Collin sees her for what she really is, after all Love is blind. When he loved her he saw her as perfect, now not so much.


Fine, she's ugly inside, but he was commenting on her outward appearance. She gained weight and now she's a beast? The switch from love is blind perfection to that is a little much. But to each their own.


----------



## Rhubarb

sokillme said:


> Start working out you will be surprised how well this helps and the side effects are great too, as in you look better and have more energy.


I second that big time! F*!# the pills. I started lifting when I was getting divorced. First off when you come out of the gym you are way tired and for some reason it's hard to be depressed when you are in that state. You just feel relaxed. Second I've noticed doing weights fixes stuff. I had back pain before. I had pain in my knee and both shoulders. I'm 55 and have some miles on me. But still everything has gotten a lot better since I started. Finally I look pretty good now. My wife even told me she thinks I look better than my trainer. He's still way more buff than me but, but I'm like leaner and my wife likes that look. Really it's a total win/win. The biggest hurdle is starting out. Once you start seeing results it gets easier.


----------



## dubsey

MJJEAN said:


> Have you been evaluated for Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)?


Yep, even if you suspect it a little, before going in, try taking vitamin D. It helps my kid immensely. It takes about 3-4 weeks to kick in, but his energy level goes way up, and gets rid of "the winter stupid" that he always seemed to have between Thanksgiving and Valentines day.


----------



## MJJEAN

BobSimmons said:


> Fine, she's ugly inside, but he was commenting on her outward appearance. She gained weight and now she's a beast? The switch from love is blind perfection to that is a little much. But to each their own.


People will sometimes overlook personality if the body is hot. Once the shiny hot body changes into something less objectively hot, they start to look at the whole package and realize they were idiots.


----------



## collin8550

Getting ready to finalize the divorce any day now. I just have to get the $600 or so dollars to pay the lawyer.

WW texted today and was asking when I was going to file. I told her I was working on getting a house and waiting to save up the money and asked if she would split it with me. She didn't answer but asked a bunch of stuff about how am I going to take care of the kids when I work if I have a house of my own and that the kids should stay with her on the days I work. I already got all that worked out, but I just told her I was busy and couldn't talk. 

An hour later she texted and said we could pay her lawyer to finalize the divorce and split the cost. I said ok and she said she will set it up tomorrow. I still need to speak with my lawyer tomorrow and see if he disagrees with that. 

Anyways, it's kind of surprising that after a year or more of her trying to stop the divorce and get back together, she is ok with it now. I kind of figured she would try to fight me or go crazy somehow. Not sure what she is up to. But she has done that a lot over the past year, where one day she is glad to be getting divorced and then a few days later she is begging me to forgive her. 

I'm ready for all this to be over with finally, but I also have anxiety waiting for her to act crazy again. But oh well. Just have to tough it out a little longer and it will be behind me.


----------



## naiveonedave

collin8550 said:


> Getting ready to finalize the divorce any day now. I just have to get the $600 or so dollars to pay the lawyer.
> 
> WW texted today and was asking when I was going to file. I told her I was working on getting a house and waiting to save up the money and asked if she would split it with me. She didn't answer but asked a bunch of stuff about how am I going to take care of the kids when I work if I have a house of my own and that the kids should stay with her on the days I work. I already got all that worked out, but I just told her I was busy and couldn't talk.
> 
> An hour later she texted and said we could pay her lawyer to finalize the divorce and split the cost. I said ok and she said she will set it up tomorrow. I still need to speak with my lawyer tomorrow and see if he disagrees with that.
> 
> Anyways, it's kind of surprising that after a year or more of her trying to stop the divorce and get back together, she is ok with it now. I kind of figured she would try to fight me or go crazy somehow. Not sure what she is up to. But she has done that a lot over the past year, where one day she is glad to be getting divorced and then a few days later she is begging me to forgive her.
> 
> I'm ready for all this to be over with finally, but I also have anxiety waiting for her to act crazy again. But oh well. Just have to tough it out a little longer and it will be behind me.


you need to make sure her lawyer doesn't last minute screw you. That may be her plan on the offer to save some $ now and leave you hanging....


----------



## turnera

Let her lawyer draw it up and then take the papers to your lawyer for review before you sign anything.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Getting ready to finalize the divorce any day now. I just have to get the $600 or so dollars to pay the lawyer.
> 
> WW texted today and was asking when I was going to file. I told her I was working on getting a house and waiting to save up the money and asked if she would split it with me. She didn't answer but asked a bunch of stuff about how am I going to take care of the kids when I work if I have a house of my own and that the kids should stay with her on the days I work. I already got all that worked out, but I just told her I was busy and couldn't talk.
> 
> An hour later she texted and said we could pay her lawyer to finalize the divorce and split the cost. I said ok and she said she will set it up tomorrow. I still need to speak with my lawyer tomorrow and see if he disagrees with that.
> 
> Anyways, it's kind of surprising that after a year or more of her trying to stop the divorce and get back together, she is ok with it now. I kind of figured she would try to fight me or go crazy somehow. Not sure what she is up to. But she has done that a lot over the past year, where one day she is glad to be getting divorced and then a few days later she is begging me to forgive her.
> 
> I'm ready for all this to be over with finally, but I also have anxiety waiting for her to act crazy again. But oh well. Just have to tough it out a little longer and it will be behind me.


Be VERY careful. Run this by lawyer. Personally.... I don't think she is up to anything.

She is sincere. She has came out of the fog and is in the 'OMG I F'd up' stage.

Best time to get a deal done. Be prepped for a lot of apologies if she is.

Most WW don't apologize nor admit to anything. I think yours will.... I may be dead wrong... who knows

Maybe it will ease the co-parenting. You will still get anger dumps.... just not as many.

Keep climbing.... keep striving...... you're Collin 2.0.....


----------



## [email protected]

Be ready for an ambush!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Dont do it. It sounds easy and logical, but I got [email protected]@ed using the same lawyer as my ex husband. Stick with what you have been doing.


----------



## Walloped

Just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this.


----------



## collin8550

I don't think she will be doing any apologizing. She begged and apologized off and on for the past year after I left and filed. She finally is acting like she has come to terms. She does still buy me Christmas gifts and birthday gifts though. Even though I completely ignore them. Maybe if/when her and OM split up she will be bothering me again. 
Also, my depression is acting up again lately. I felt fine all week until today which is when I have to take the kids back to her. It's like the week I have them flies by and then they have to leave. And they say they want to stay with me forever and hate her house and that makes me feel worse. But oh well, it usually passes in a day or two.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> I don't think she will be doing any apologizing. She begged and apologized off and on for the past year after I left and filed. She finally is acting like she has come to terms. She does still buy me Christmas gifts and birthday gifts though. Even though I completely ignore them. Maybe if/when her and OM split up she will be bothering me again.
> Also, my depression is acting up again lately. I felt fine all week until today which is when I have to take the kids back to her. It's like the week I have them flies by and then they have to leave. And they say they want to stay with me forever and hate her house and that makes me feel worse. But oh well, it usually passes in a day or two.


That's one of the sad truths about D. If BS would "think" about what they will be giving up

and losing.... maybe rationale would take over. But.... we are here.

Time always flies by when you're having a great time.... glad to hear you and the kiddos are 

having a blast. Always keep in mind, when the kids get older, they will have more 

of a say in where they stay. Be patient. As for the XW.... she will more than likely "never give up hope"

you will one day... take her back. But that is her problem, NOT yours.....


----------



## inging

Finally caught up with your thread.. It is like a trip down memory lane for me!

Being a single dad is rewarding but ( like a single mom) is difficult. My kids are grown up now. It has been a long and difficult road with periods of depression for my kids and constant interference from my Ex. I use interference because that is exactly what it is. She offered nothing of any value to the kids, just attempted to interfere with their lives. So much of that still makes me angry. 

She also agreed to do the joint Divorce which would have made things easier for everyone. Then, at the last minute refused to sign, so I had to go around again and Divorce her unilaterally. In the end I am glad I had to do that. I walked out of that court room with a feeling of relief mixed with sadness. It is not a feeling I had ever felt before. It was empowering 

The next stage was that I had "stolen" her kids, poisoned their minds against her. This went on for years. I had said nothing just allowing her actions to speak. 

The kids have blocked her now because they became tired of her ranting ,apology and then further ranting. Punctuated by longer and longer periods of silence. 
I have no idea what she is doing, no clue as to her feelings. Almost a year ago I blocked her completely. I do know she is still seeing the OM on a casual basis. They never moved in together, they never travelled the world. They never lived that dream 

It is amazing how we change and grow. I barely recognise the man who loved her so completely, pandered to her moods, tried to read her mind. What I do recognise is that she is and was a very broken broken person who used me to help negotiate the world.
It is like a drug, that kind of dependence a person has on you. I mistook it for love and respect. 

It was only when it was over I could look hard at myself and see my own desire to be wanted and fear of loss had driven this.


You are doing fine. Be gentle with your self and remember to stop and look up at the stars.


----------



## Taxman

My client discovered his wife in a long term affair. He knew immediately, that he was going to divorce. She was oblivious to his discovery, and pretty much treated him like crap. He enlisted one of our PI's to get dirt on the OM. The OM, was a supplier to her company. One of his biggest accounts. The first volley was a meeting with HR and AP at her company. She was called in, asked if she had a relationship with OM? She denied, but was met with pictures taken by the PI. She was white-faced, and begged HR not to tell her husband. She was discharged. My client then visited OM's company. He let them know that there was a major lawsuit coming their way, if they did not fire OM immediately. That was accomplished as well. Now, both cheaters have lost their jobs. Next, that afternoon, he pays a visit to OBS. Supplies her with pictures, bills, you name it. OM arrives home, already completely defeated. He was met with the wrath of god. She was livid, and at the first denial, out came the pics, the recordings. His goose is cooked. She had already told their church and his parents. Defeated? His last call was to his lover, asking if she would take him in. Too bad as her world had just come to an end.

My client came home, and found his wife crying. She said, through no fault of her own, she was "laid off". Shortage of work. He goes "Oh? Thats a surprise." "They were supposed to fire you for cause." She gets the deer caught in the headlights look. Yes, I had a busy day today, I was tying a can to your tail. I saw your employers, and told them all about your affair. I demanded that you be dismissed. Then I had a word with your loverboy's company and he was fired. Then I saw his wife, and she wants both of you dead. NOW, I want you out. Tonight. I do not care where you go, you can go to hell for all I care. Go to your parents, or your siblings or go live under a bridge somewhere, this is my house, and you are no longer welcome. The divorce was final last year. The OM has re-established himself at another company. His marriage is on the rocks. Apparently, she went out and had a revenge affair. Dumb move. My client's wife has not as yet landed another job. She works for her Mom & Dad, as they are now paying her bills.


----------



## 3putt

Taxman said:


> My client discovered his wife in a long term affair. He knew immediately, that he was going to divorce. She was oblivious to his discovery, and pretty much treated him like crap. He enlisted one of our PI's to get dirt on the OM. The OM, was a supplier to her company. One of his biggest accounts. The first volley was a meeting with HR and AP at her company. She was called in, asked if she had a relationship with OM? She denied, but was met with pictures taken by the PI. She was white-faced, and begged HR not to tell her husband. She was discharged. My client then visited OM's company. He let them know that there was a major lawsuit coming their way, if they did not fire OM immediately. That was accomplished as well. Now, both cheaters have lost their jobs. Next, that afternoon, he pays a visit to OBS. Supplies her with pictures, bills, you name it. OM arrives home, already completely defeated. He was met with the wrath of god. She was livid, and at the first denial, out came the pics, the recordings. His goose is cooked. She had already told their church and his parents. Defeated? His last call was to his lover, asking if she would take him in. Too bad as her world had just come to an end.
> 
> My client came home, and found his wife crying. She said, through no fault of her own, she was "laid off". Shortage of work. He goes "Oh? Thats a surprise." "They were supposed to fire you for cause." She gets the deer caught in the headlights look. Yes, I had a busy day today, I was tying a can to your tail. I saw your employers, and told them all about your affair. I demanded that you be dismissed. Then I had a word with your loverboy's company and he was fired. Then I saw his wife, and she wants both of you dead. NOW, I want you out. Tonight. I do not care where you go, you can go to hell for all I care. Go to your parents, or your siblings or go live under a bridge somewhere, this is my house, and you are no longer welcome. The divorce was final last year. The OM has re-established himself at another company. His marriage is on the rocks. Apparently, she went out and had a revenge affair. Dumb move. My client's wife has not as yet landed another job. She works for her Mom & Dad, as they are now paying her bills.


----------



## tom72

Taxman said:


> My client discovered his wife in a long term affair. He knew immediately, that he was going to divorce. She was oblivious to his discovery, and pretty much treated him like crap. He enlisted one of our PI's to get dirt on the OM. The OM, was a supplier to her company. One of his biggest accounts. The first volley was a meeting with HR and AP at her company. She was called in, asked if she had a relationship with OM? She denied, but was met with pictures taken by the PI. She was white-faced, and begged HR not to tell her husband. She was discharged. My client then visited OM's company. He let them know that there was a major lawsuit coming their way, if they did not fire OM immediately. That was accomplished as well. Now, both cheaters have lost their jobs. Next, that afternoon, he pays a visit to OBS. Supplies her with pictures, bills, you name it. OM arrives home, already completely defeated. He was met with the wrath of god. She was livid, and at the first denial, out came the pics, the recordings. His goose is cooked. She had already told their church and his parents. Defeated? His last call was to his lover, asking if she would take him in. Too bad as her world had just come to an end.
> 
> My client came home, and found his wife crying. She said, through no fault of her own, she was "laid off". Shortage of work. He goes "Oh? Thats a surprise." "They were supposed to fire you for cause." She gets the deer caught in the headlights look. Yes, I had a busy day today, I was tying a can to your tail. I saw your employers, and told them all about your affair. I demanded that you be dismissed. Then I had a word with your loverboy's company and he was fired. Then I saw his wife, and she wants both of you dead. NOW, I want you out. Tonight. I do not care where you go, you can go to hell for all I care. Go to your parents, or your siblings or go live under a bridge somewhere, this is my house, and you are no longer welcome. The divorce was final last year. The OM has re-established himself at another company. His marriage is on the rocks. Apparently, she went out and had a revenge affair. Dumb move. My client's wife has not as yet landed another job. She works for her Mom & Dad, as they are now paying her bills.


Don't mean to derail this thread, but I really enjoy reading your stories


----------



## becareful2

Taxman said:


> My client discovered his wife in a long term affair. He knew immediately, that he was going to divorce. She was oblivious to his discovery, and pretty much treated him like crap. He enlisted one of our PI's to get dirt on the OM. The OM, was a supplier to her company. One of his biggest accounts. The first volley was a meeting with HR and AP at her company. She was called in, asked if she had a relationship with OM? She denied, but was met with pictures taken by the PI. She was white-faced, and begged HR not to tell her husband. She was discharged. My client then visited OM's company. He let them know that there was a major lawsuit coming their way, if they did not fire OM immediately. That was accomplished as well. Now, both cheaters have lost their jobs. Next, that afternoon, he pays a visit to OBS. Supplies her with pictures, bills, you name it. OM arrives home, already completely defeated. He was met with the wrath of god. She was livid, and at the first denial, out came the pics, the recordings. His goose is cooked. She had already told their church and his parents. Defeated? His last call was to his lover, asking if she would take him in. Too bad as her world had just come to an end.
> 
> My client came home, and found his wife crying. She said, through no fault of her own, she was "laid off". Shortage of work. He goes "Oh? Thats a surprise." "They were supposed to fire you for cause." She gets the deer caught in the headlights look. Yes, I had a busy day today, I was tying a can to your tail. I saw your employers, and told them all about your affair. I demanded that you be dismissed. Then I had a word with your loverboy's company and he was fired. Then I saw his wife, and she wants both of you dead. NOW, I want you out. Tonight. I do not care where you go, you can go to hell for all I care. Go to your parents, or your siblings or go live under a bridge somewhere, this is my house, and you are no longer welcome. The divorce was final last year. The OM has re-established himself at another company. His marriage is on the rocks. Apparently, she went out and had a revenge affair. Dumb move. My client's wife has not as yet landed another job. She works for her Mom & Dad, as they are now paying her bills.


What country did they live in that the divorce was not known to both parties? It doesn't sound like she knew he was divorcing her.


----------



## 3putt

becareful2 said:


> What country did they live in that the divorce was not known to both parties? It doesn't sound like she knew he was divorcing her.


The only thing she didn't know at that point was that they were both getting ready to experience a tsunami exposure. I'm assuming the filing came at a later time, but probably not much later.


----------



## becareful2

3putt said:


> The only thing she didn't know at that point was that they were both getting ready to experience a tsunami exposure. I'm assuming the filing came at a later time, but probably not much later.


I misread. D'oh!


----------



## 3putt

becareful2 said:


> I misread. D'oh!


Oh gee, I've never done that.


----------



## collin8550

WW has been super friendly and nice for the past couple months. It's a nice change from her constant cycling through anger and begging to get back together the past year. She seems to have accepted the divorce and that I am never getting back together with her. Now she kind of acts like everything is good in the world and she wanted a divorce all along and we are just 2 good friends deciding not to live together anymore. Of course that's not how I see it.

Last weekend the kids had an overnight indoor camping trip with a bunch of other families, and both me and WW were there. Me and the kids slept on the floor and WW slept on a mattress. After laying down to go to sleep, WW said I could sleep on the mattress with her if I wanted, so I wouldn't have to sleep on the floor. I declined by simply saying '' I'm alright''.

And then a couple days later when she came to get the kids from me for her week, they threw a fit wanting to stay with me and not go to her house. Normally she would have got angry and taken it out on me, but she just laughed and shrugged it off.

It's great if she can continue to act this way, but it kind of worries me that it may be a trick or temporary or something. It seems like maybe she is on anti depressants or something.

I've been thinking the past couple days, that I am jealous of BS's without kids. It would be so nice to be able to completely block her out of my life, but I can't because of the kids.

Also, I've been wondering why the first 8 or 9 months since I seperate, I was constantly dating and looking for a girl to spend time with, and now for the past 6 months or so, I have had no interest at all in dating. It seems that I was happier when I was dating, but now I just don't feel like it. I'm just afraid if I wait too much longer to start back dating, I may never have a good relationship.


----------



## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> WW has been super friendly and nice for the past couple months. It's a nice change from her constant cycling through anger and begging to get back together the past year. She seems to have accepted the divorce and that I am never getting back together with her. Now she kind of acts like everything is good in the world and she wanted a divorce all along and we are just 2 good friends deciding not to live together anymore. Of course that's not how I see it.
> 
> Last weekend the kids had an overnight indoor camping trip with a bunch of other families, and both me and WW were there. Me and the kids slept on the floor and WW slept on a mattress. After laying down to go to sleep, WW said I could sleep on the mattress with her if I wanted, so I wouldn't have to sleep on the floor. I declined by simply saying '' I'm alright''.
> 
> And then a couple days later when she came to get the kids from me for her week, they threw a fit wanting to stay with me and not go to her house. Normally she would have got angry and taken it out on me, but she just laughed and shrugged it off.
> 
> It's great if she can continue to act this way, but it kind of worries me that it may be a trick or temporary or something. It seems like maybe she is on anti depressants or something.
> 
> I've been thinking the past couple days, that I am jealous of BS's without kids. It would be so nice to be able to completely block her out of my life, but I can't because of the kids.
> 
> Also, I've been wondering why the first 8 or 9 months since I seperate, I was constantly dating and looking for a girl to spend time with, and now for the past 6 months or so, I have had no interest at all in dating. It seems that I was happier when I was dating, but now I just don't feel like it. I'm just afraid if I wait too much longer to start back dating, I may never have a good relationship.


You will have a better chance when you are no longer emotionally invested in your wife at all. When her mood swings don't even matter to you. It takes time but you will get there. Remember your happiness and even your misery are not tied to her. Eventually your kids will get to the age that you won't even have to see her. She will just be a women from your past.


----------



## BluesPower

*So yeah, they do this...*



sokillme said:


> You will have a better chance when you are no longer emotionally invested in your wife at all. When her mood swings don't even matter to you. It takes time but you will get there. Remember your happiness and even your misery are not tied to her. Eventually your kids will get to the age that you won't even have to see her. She will just be a women from your past.


SKM is correct, you want to get to the point that you just really don't care. 

And yes, they go through these ups and downs. I forget if she is still seeing her OM, but at this point they are happier if things are going well with the OM. Also, they are always up and down, it is the only way that they can actually cope with the fact that they blew up their life, your life and the life of their child. 

Me Ex W, and yeah she had affairs, but there are worse things that someone can do to you believe it or not...

Anyway, My Ex W, before she left the house, had the audacity to be pissed off that I was spending my weekends with one of my GF's. She was actually pissed. 

I just looked at her and laughed. And she wanted to be friends as well. I told her that, "If at all possible, I never want to see you again, our kids are older, I actually would like to never hear your voice if possible. But you should understand, that I would not give you a drink of water if you were dying of thirst. I will hate you until the day I die. After what you have done to me, it is what you deserve."

Now a days, I hardly even think of her. It is a wonderful place to be...


----------



## BluesPower

*So yeah, they do this...*



sokillme said:


> You will have a better chance when you are no longer emotionally invested in your wife at all. When her mood swings don't even matter to you. It takes time but you will get there. Remember your happiness and even your misery are not tied to her. Eventually your kids will get to the age that you won't even have to see her. She will just be a women from your past.


SKM is correct, you want to get to the point that you just really don't care. 

And yes, they go through these ups and downs. I forget if she is still seeing her OM, but at this point they are happier if things are going well with the OM. Also, they are always up and down, it is the only way that they can actually cope with the fact that they blew up their life, your life and the life of their child. 

Me Ex W, and yeah she had affairs, but there are worse things that someone can do to you, believe it or not...

Anyway, My Ex W, before she left the house, had the audacity to be pissed off that I was spending my weekends with one of my GF's. She was actually pissed. 

I just looked at her and laughed. And she wanted to be friends as well. I told her that, "If at all possible, I never want to see you again, our kids are older, I actually would like to never hear your voice if possible. But you should understand, that I would not give you a drink of water if you were dying of thirst. I will hate you until the day I die. After what you have done to me, it is what you deserve."

Now a days, I hardly even think of her. It is a wonderful place to be...


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> WW has been super friendly and nice for the past couple months. It's a nice change from her constant cycling through anger and begging to get back together the past year. She seems to have accepted the divorce and that I am never getting back together with her. Now she kind of acts like everything is good in the world and she wanted a divorce all along and we are just 2 good friends deciding not to live together anymore. Of course that's not how I see it.
> 
> Last weekend the kids had an overnight indoor camping trip with a bunch of other families, and both me and WW were there. Me and the kids slept on the floor and WW slept on a mattress. After laying down to go to sleep, WW said I could sleep on the mattress with her if I wanted, so I wouldn't have to sleep on the floor. I declined by simply saying '' I'm alright''.
> 
> And then a couple days later when she came to get the kids from me for her week, they threw a fit wanting to stay with me and not go to her house. Normally she would have got angry and taken it out on me, but she just laughed and shrugged it off.
> 
> It's great if she can continue to act this way, but it kind of worries me that it may be a trick or temporary or something. It seems like maybe she is on anti depressants or something.
> 
> I've been thinking the past couple days, that I am jealous of BS's without kids. It would be so nice to be able to completely block her out of my life, but I can't because of the kids.
> 
> Also, I've been wondering why the first 8 or 9 months since I seperate, I was constantly dating and looking for a girl to spend time with, and now for the past 6 months or so, I have had no interest at all in dating. It seems that I was happier when I was dating, but now I just don't feel like it. I'm just afraid if I wait too much longer to start back dating, I may never have a good relationship.


Thanks for the update! I still say she is numb inside. I see the cycles still coming... just a "cooling off"

period nowadays. I can relate to your jealousy, with couples D with no kids.... I'm one of them.

I raised her son as my own and had he not turned into a thug.... I'd like to think we would still

have a connection. He's almost 30 now.... hasn't evolved past his 18 y / o brain. But.... he has turned out

just like his dad.... and uncles. The older your kids get Collin.... the less you have to engage your XW.

When a WS realizes... they F'ed up and lost the life they "really did" appreciate, they will try every

way possible to re-claim that. That is why BS are hounded for years sometimes. A WS weakness is....

accountability. When will the D be final?

Dating.... post-D when you have been M 8-10+ years is a mixed bag. It was totally different

in the mid-90s and for you early-00s. The concept is the same but going about it is different.

I'm not a fan of it either.... but the huge setback.... is the people in your dating pool.

I always liked older women.... but I had to date younger, due to wanting child(ren).

What I found were bitter, angry, resentful people.... who will probably never get over their D.

Some were justified.... their XH cheated, walked out, left her with 1-2 kids. Yeah.... I'd be PO'd too.

But that's not my problem....and I will not be your anger dump when you have to spout off about

your -bad investment- By this I mean... Buying stock in K-Mart, Blockbuster, Radio Shack

back in the early '00s. Good, sound, solid investment.... which ten years later... turned to cow dung.

Collin.... there are healthy people out there wanting to date.... they're just hard to find, they're

amongst the many more whom you would care not to date.

Collin... how will the custody go with summer vacation upcoming?


----------



## collin8550

Custody will be the same over the summer. I'll have a week on and a week off.

Most of the girls I dated so far have been much better than the Ex in every way. I thought the first one I dated post D was very nice, but then when number 2 and 3 were exactly the same I realized they are just normal and WW was just selfish from the very beginning.

But that seems crazy how they are generally nicer when things are going good with OM. I believe it, but how can it be that good if you are trying to get your ex husband to share a bed with you? I don't think I would want to date someone who offers to let her ex husband share a bed with her at a camp out. I don't see how a relationship like that can ever be good.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Custody will be the same over the summer. I'll have a week on and a week off.
> 
> Most of the girls I dated so far have been much better than the Ex in every way. I thought the first one I dated post D was very nice, but then when number 2 and 3 were exactly the same I realized they are just normal and WW was just selfish from the very beginning.
> 
> But that seems crazy how they are generally nicer when things are going good with OM. I believe it, but how can it be that good if you are trying to get your ex husband to share a bed with you? I don't think I would want to date someone who offers to let her ex husband share a bed with her at a camp out. I don't see how a relationship like that can ever be good.


The OM doesn't know she makes advances at you. If you would take her back, she would dump

him in a heartbeat. Thing is.... it would be honey and wine for about 6-9 months... then it would slowly

go back to the way it was before. You've been there, didn't like it, and don't want to go back.

Wonder what OM would do if he knew? But... when he and your WW/XW are together and 

somewhat functioning normally... she leaves you alone. If OM dumped her.... she would be all

up your ass wanting you back, full court style. But she wasn't true to you, ain't even true to her AP.

She relied on you to make her happy..... that is HER job, NOT yours.

She is angry, hates herself, thought someone else would make her "happier," and... how's that worked 

out for her? I'm glad you have reached the point of knowing who she "was," and who she "is" NOW.

About dating..... you can date almost anyone for 6-9 months and it seems wonderful. When the bandages 

start falling off and the skeletons fall from the closet.....reality sets in.


----------



## turnera

collin8550 said:


> Also, I've been wondering why the first 8 or 9 months since I seperate, I was constantly dating and looking for a girl to spend time with, and now for the past 6 months or so, I have had no interest at all in dating. It seems that I was happier when I was dating, but now I just don't feel like it. I'm just afraid if I wait too much longer to start back dating, I may never have a good relationship.


This is extremely common and basic psychology.

She pulled away your control over your own life. You no longer had a say in whether you had a complete family, because you trusted her to have your back. So it's natural to feel like you'd go after other women to VALIDATE YOUR WORTH. That's an offshoot of your lack of control over your life, AS WELL AS a response to a female saying 'you're not enough.' You needed other women to tell you you WERE ENOUGH. It had nothing to do with these individual women. And it's why we always tell men to NOT date right after getting dumped.

Please understand one thing: men 'age' differently from women. Think of George Clooney. He must be 60 by now; but he's still hot. Women, on the other hand, don't age that well. Plus, there are more women than men on 'the other side' of 50. So you are going to have NO PROBLEM attracting women.


----------



## ABHale

collin8550 said:


> Custody will be the same over the summer. I'll have a week on and a week off.
> 
> Most of the girls I dated so far have been much better than the Ex in every way. I thought the first one I dated post D was very nice, but then when number 2 and 3 were exactly the same I realized they are just normal and WW was just selfish from the very beginning.
> 
> But that seems crazy how they are generally nicer when things are going good with OM. I believe it, but how can it be that good if you are trying to get your ex husband to share a bed with you? I don't think I would want to date someone who offers to let her ex husband share a bed with her at a camp out. I don't see how a relationship like that can ever be good.


She cheated on you and she will cheat on him. 

I know you wouldn’t do this but. >

If you did hook back up with her and had pics to send to the OM. That would really rock his world. >


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## collin8550

Since I seperated from my ex WW about 18 months ago, I've only been talking to her if it involves the kids. She has gotten better in the past few months by not messaging me begging to get back together or wanting to talk about our marriage.
I've gotten her trained to the point where she only texts to tell me of an upcoming appointment or event for the kids, or to see what time we will be swapping the kids. But she still has to throw in a little extra. For instance, yesterday I texted to see if she wanted the kids an extra night or if she wanted my mom to get them since I had to work that night. She said either one was fine and I said OK. And then she followed up by sending a text saying she brought the kids to the lake and sent a pic of them swimming. Same thing today when she texted to say she dropped the kids off to my mom. I said OK, and then she followed that by saying she took them to the water park today and sent another pic of them at the water park. I always ignore these little extra texts she sends, since it isn't important info that I need to know and I don't want to respond and give her an opening to make conversation.

Is that wrong? My mom says I should communicate better, to keep her from going to the judge and saying I'm not coparenting very well. But I've told her countless times to only text me if it is important regarding the kids. And I don't think it is necessary or helpful for us to share with eachother what we did with the kids earlier that day.

I could understand if maybe something had happened to the kids while they were at the lake or Waterpark, like an insect sting or something that I need to monitor. But I don't think i need to see her bragging about how great a mother she is for finally bringing the kids to do something fun.


----------



## Marc878

You're doing fine. There is no need to crack that door open.


----------



## BluesPower

collin8550 said:


> Since I seperated from my ex WW about 18 months ago, I've only been talking to her if it involves the kids. She has gotten better in the past few months by not messaging me begging to get back together or wanting to talk about our marriage.
> I've gotten her trained to the point where she only texts to tell me of an upcoming appointment or event for the kids, or to see what time we will be swapping the kids. But she still has to throw in a little extra. For instance, yesterday I texted to see if she wanted the kids an extra night or if she wanted my mom to get them since I had to work that night. She said either one was fine and I said OK. And then she followed up by sending a text saying she brought the kids to the lake and sent a pic of them swimming. Same thing today when she texted to say she dropped the kids off to my mom. I said OK, and then she followed that by saying she took them to the water park today and sent another pic of them at the water park. I always ignore these little extra texts she sends, since it isn't important info that I need to know and I don't want to respond and give her an opening to make conversation.
> 
> Is that wrong? My mom says I should communicate better, to keep her from going to the judge and saying I'm not coparenting very well. But I've told her countless times to only text me if it is important regarding the kids. And I don't think it is necessary or helpful for us to share with eachother what we did with the kids earlier that day.
> 
> I could understand if maybe something had happened to the kids while they were at the lake or Waterpark, like an insect sting or something that I need to monitor. But I don't think i need to see her bragging about how great a mother she is for finally bringing the kids to do something fun.


Like Marc said, you are doing fine. Just ignore the extra stuff. 

You can send a one word response, and that is cool, it does not hurt you. 

They do this crap, and like others have said, and just like my Ex has tried to do, and you don't have to bite. 

Thanks, Cool, Great, all of these simple one word responses take care of it. 

You know, in some ways, these things are symptoms of THEM. You know, you cheated, you betrayed, you tore about our life, so at this point I don't have a lot to say to you. 

And the best part is, you don't even have to say the above line, you could just start a pool at the office or wherever, to see how long she keeps doing before she actually understand that she is dead to you...


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## Tatsuhiko

I think with every situation you should take the time to determine whatever is in your best interest and the kids' best interest, and behave that way. You want to be kept in the loop about things she's doing with your kids, and you want to encourage your XW to keep you informed. And your mom is right: you need to be just polite enough to keep her from behaving vengefully. I can completely understand that you're angry with her. I would be too, and probably for the rest of her life. But in every situation with her, think about what benefits YOU. Make sure you're not behaving in a way that's designed to only hurt her. It's not hard to say "thanks for the photos". This helps ensure that she'll always keep you apprised of the kids' activities. When she tries to take the conversation further, just politely disengage or keep your responses brief.


----------



## Handy

If it is in the interest or betterment of the kids, I think she is being a good parent. I know divorced people that do not send pictures of the kids while they have them and it irritates the spouse that doesn't have them.

I send pictures of my grand kids to the dad (lives out of town) and he tells me he would have only found out later when he has the kids. He asked why his XW couldn't do what I do.

Tatsuhiko is right, just say "thanks for the photos". Your XW isn't costing you anything by sending the pictures. OK you are still upset about her cheating, that is normal but DO NOT let that resentment spill over into the kids life.


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## Sports Fan

See a shark of a Divorce Lawyer push for full custody and show her what poverty really looks like.


----------



## collin8550

WEXW has been bringing the kids around OM for a month or so now even though it is against the stipulations of our seperation until the divorce is final. I haven't worried about it since the divorce is about to be final anyway. But earlier today my 4 year old son, while we happened to see a part of a movie where a guy licks the side of a lady's face and across her mouth, he responded ''that's what mama's boyfriend does to me.''. But he was laughing about it like it was a game.

So later I sent exWW a message describing that to her and said to keep him away from the kids or I am filing to hold her in contempt of court for going against the terms of our seperation, and also that I will file a criminal complaint against him.

It was late when I sent the message, so she probably hasn't read it yet.

But I doubt there is much I can do criminally since the POS is a cop and they will say I am just being a jealous husband or trying to get revenge. But I don't think a grown man should be putting his tounge on my kids face, and I don't want my son to accept that as normal and then it progress more and more over time.

Also, I messaged WEXW before all that to say since the kids are out of school, on the days I am off work during the week, I would like to get the kids and keep them instead of daycare keeping them. And then I will return them to their mom when she gets off work. So nothing would change for her, just the kids would be with me instead of at daycare for 1 or 2 days during her weeks of custody. But she said no because the kids already hate going to her house and she doesn't want them to spend more time having fun with me and make them want to visit her even less.


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## Kamstel

Contact child services or whatever it is called in your area and file complaint about the licking.

It is odd at best


Good luck


----------



## bandit.45

CPS. Now.


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## bandit.45

Was the OM's police captain ever notified about the affair?


----------



## threelittlestars

Umm... Notify CPS, yes in reality it is probably innocent but IDGAF he is the other man. I would not feel comfortable with him licking my kid even if he was my brother. I would ask it to stop. But this is the OM. 

And inform the police captain... But yeah I would not work with this wench.


----------



## collin8550

Yeah the police captain was informed not long after D day almost 2 years ago, but he just gave him a talking to.


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## DjDjani

Hello, how are you doing? Are you still close with that lady friend of yours? Marry her. You will be happy for the rest of your life with her.


----------



## *Deidre*

collin8550 said:


> WEXW has been bringing the kids around OM for a month or so now even though it is against the stipulations of our seperation until the divorce is final. I haven't worried about it since the divorce is about to be final anyway. But earlier today my 4 year old son, while we happened to see a part of a movie where a guy licks the side of a lady's face and across her mouth, he responded ''that's what mama's boyfriend does to me.''. But he was laughing about it like it was a game.
> 
> So later I sent exWW a message describing that to her and said to keep him away from the kids or I am filing to hold her in contempt of court for going against the terms of our seperation, and also that I will file a criminal complaint against him.
> 
> It was late when I sent the message, so she probably hasn't read it yet.
> 
> But I doubt there is much I can do criminally since the POS is a cop and they will say I am just being a jealous husband or trying to get revenge. But I don't think a grown man should be putting his tounge on my kids face, and I don't want my son to accept that as normal and then it progress more and more over time.
> 
> Also, I messaged WEXW before all that to say since the kids are out of school, on the days I am off work during the week, I would like to get the kids and keep them instead of daycare keeping them. And then I will return them to their mom when she gets off work. So nothing would change for her, just the kids would be with me instead of at daycare for 1 or 2 days during her weeks of custody. But she said no because the kids already hate going to her house and she doesn't want them to spend more time having fun with me and make them want to visit her even less.


Your soon to be ex wife sounds like a psychopath. She has no concern for the kids, and allows a random guy to lick their face? A lot of predators prey on single parents, so I wouldn't take this lightly. 

Other than that, I'm so happy you're getting out of this horrible marriage.


----------



## collin8550

Well I wouldn't classify him as a random guy, they have been in a long term affair off and on.

She responded this morning to my messages saying it wasn't that big of a deal and they were just playing and wrestling around. I texted back that it is inappropriate and to keep them away from him. 
One good thing to come out of it is that she was angry so she called her lawyer and paid to finalize the divorce. I called my lawyer to pay today, and they said I didn't need to because she had paid for it with her lawyer. So that saved me 600 dollars.

She messaged that it would be great if I could pay half of it. I wish I had responded, '' well I had to pay 600 for paternity tests, so we can call it even. ''

I don't really talk to my lady friend anymore. I never was interested in dating so soon, and I think she was.

Because of the stuff with my kid, now I am feeling some of the things I was feeling after D day. Instead of before it was all about my wife, now it's about my kids.


----------



## bandit.45

collin8550 said:


> She messaged that it would be great if I could pay half of it. I wish I had responded, '' well I had to pay 600 for paternity tests, so we can call it even. ''
> .


That was actually a really good comeback. 

Nothing wrong with sticking it to her every once in a while. She stuck it to you enough didn't she?


----------



## dadstartingover

collin8550 said:


> Well I wouldn't classify him as a random guy, they have been in a long term affair off and on.
> 
> She responded this morning to my messages saying it wasn't that big of a deal and they were just playing and wrestling around. I texted back that it is inappropriate and to keep them away from him.
> One good thing to come out of it is that she was angry so she called her lawyer and paid to finalize the divorce. I called my lawyer to pay today, and they said I didn't need to because she had paid for it with her lawyer. So that saved me 600 dollars.
> 
> She messaged that it would be great if I could pay half of it. I wish I had responded, '' well I had to pay 600 for paternity tests, so we can call it even. ''


When my ex and I were talking about money when we split, I mentioned that she should be paying for my full gamut of STD tests (came to around $500 out of pocket). She was very offended... Then countered by saying she would pay for the kids' monthly healthcare fees if I took the STD stuff off the agreement. 

In essence, she paid thousands of dollars so that there wouldn't be "Paid $500 for STD tests" on the record. Works for me.


----------



## GusPolinski

dadstartingover said:


> When my ex and I were talking about money when we split, I mentioned that she should be paying for my full gamut of STD tests (came to around $500 out of pocket). She was very offended... Then countered by saying she would pay for the kids' monthly healthcare fees if I took the STD stuff off the agreement.
> 
> In essence, she paid thousands of dollars so that there wouldn't be "Paid $500 for STD tests" on the record. Works for me.


Ha!


----------



## collin8550

WW messaged today out of the blue '' do you hate Me? '' I just ignored until later when 
I messaged her to say make sure OM's behavior is appropriate with the kids, like the lawyer suggested. And she said I was ridiculous and all that. And then went in to a long rant about how she knows the affair was a mistake and she would take it back if she could and she is sorry she is still friends with OM. And then transitioned into a bunch of anger over me getting ready to buy a house and all kind of random stuff.

I replied that I am not discussing any of that and going to bed. But she is still messaging as I type this. Basically saying she isn't a bad parent and the kids are just mistaken that I spend more time giving attention to them than her.

One thing I've noticed since D Day though, she always refers to OM as a friend. I guess it makes it seem less bad in her mind.


----------



## Lostinthought61

You mightwant to remind her when the kids are old enough the will know the truth about her friend.


----------



## 3putt

Lostinthought61 said:


> You mightwant to remind her when the kids are old enough the will know the truth about her friend.


With all due respect, I wouldn't do that. It will give her time to mold the situation to her advantage. Never tell the other team what play you're going to run or when.

And Collin?.......just ignore her ramblings. It's all bull**** to make herself feel better about herself. Don't respond at all. Let her wallow in it.


----------



## sokillme

Why don't you try to suggest she gets some IC. Tell her if she really wants to be friends she needs to deal with her issues and IC is a way to start, I would suggest even offering to pay for it. I am not telling you to be friends or anything like that but for God's sakes anything to get her away from that dude and that dude away from your kids.


----------



## oldtruck

Why has the OM's inappropriate behavior with the children has not
been reported?


----------



## MThomas

Just finished your threads. Truly a piece of work. Isn't it nice to know a friend, just a friend, is licking your children. Disgusting! I would have asked where else does that damn tongue go. Does not sit well with me. Guess I'd be waiting for a court appearance. 

She was unable to get under your skin with her begging to take her back or forgive her for her misgivings. Now she goes to the children, to irritate you. She is planting seeds in your children, knowing you will flip a gasket. I live in a suburb and it is common knowledge many WW cheat with cops. Be aware you may get pulled over a bit more than in the past. That's how it works here, maybe not where you live.

She knows she made huge mistakes, admits it. Now she knows you want nothing to do with her and she simply asks for forgiveness. I am currently investigating the fact if my wife is too cheating. Not certain but if she is, no forgiveness. She will have to own it.

I missed where you gave the ages. How old are the children?


----------



## Evinrude58

You’re doing well. Ignore. Move forward.
Defend. Move forward some more.

First thing you know she’s a distant memory


----------



## Openminded

She's not going to do the right thing by keeping the OM away and even if she did it wouldn't last forever. And she's probably going to caution your son not to tell you anything that goes on at her house. 

Adults don't lick children's faces. Period. I would want that on record with CPS.


----------



## collin8550

The children are 4 and 7,both boys. I wonder why there are a lot of WWs having affairs with cops where you live? Around where I live, most of the normal girls don't have any desire for cops. 

According to her, the licking on the face was while wrestling around because my kid did it first so he did it back. But still, I wouldn't put my mouth nowhere near a kid that isn't mine, even to kiss on the cheek.

According to the lawyer, I can't do anything at this point but text or email her to ensure OM is appropriate with the kids. He said if I suspect they have been sexually assaulted, then we will meet and discuss a plan. So basically, I have to let things die down for a while, and then a year from now when things get worse, I can try to do something then.

ExWW texted me as soon as she woke up this morning, to make sure the kids don't call my mom '' mama''. Because on Skype last night, my youngest did that thinking it was funny. I ignored her all day until she asked some stuff she needed for the kids dental insurance. And then I had to get some info from her that I need for a mortgage. But she was being nice all the rest of the evening.

I want to keep messaging and bugging her to get to the bottom of the behavior with OM. Because I am certain if something worse did happen, she would try to hide it and rationalize that it was a one time thing or something like that. But I don't think I will accomplish much other than aggravate her, which is kind of fun to me.

What do you think, keep questioning her or just wait and talk to the kids in a few days when I get them?

By the way, if eveeything goes thru with this house, I will be right next to my kids school and daycare, but unfortunately I will also only be about 3 miles from ExWW. And I will be alone, without my mom and dad to deter her from showing up at the doorstep. I think I will put a hidden camera and mic at the front door.


----------



## collin8550

I picked up the kids today to start my week of custody, and in the car ride home, my 7 year old starts talking about how OM yelled at him for scratching his car with a rock and that he doesn't want to stay at mama's anymore because of OM coming over there. He also said OM pinches him and his brother in the butt and it hurts.

I messaged WW later to tell her this, and she immediately started messaging back denying it and wanting to FaceTime the kids. I just ignored because there was no point in arguing. Next thing I know, she is at my parents house and comes in to the room with me and the kids saying we need to discuss this. Then, in a stressed and angry tone, the she starts questioning the kids asking them about everything they told me. They answer her back, and she redirects their answers by saying "was it really like this way instead?. '' or " are you afraid of OM or do you think he tries to protect you? " She had also messaged me saying she told OM to yell at him for scratching the car. And she threatened me with all sorts of things if I try to get OM in trouble with his job (he is a cop).

I could tell the kids were answering their mom with what they knew she wanted them to say, because they were afraid they would be in trouble. She wasn't questioning them as a concerned parent, but more like telling them they are wrong and OM isn't bad, and trying to minimize and tell them what they feel instead of listening and figuring out why they would say that.


----------



## MThomas

collin8550 said:


> The children are 4 and 7,both boys. I wonder why there are a lot of WWs having affairs with cops where you live? Around where I live, most of the normal girls don't have any desire for cops.
> 
> According to her, the licking on the face was while wrestling around because my kid did it first so he did it back. But still, I wouldn't put my mouth nowhere near a kid that isn't mine, even to kiss on the cheek.
> 
> According to the lawyer, I can't do anything at this point but text or email her to ensure OM is appropriate with the kids. He said if I suspect they have been sexually assaulted, then we will meet and discuss a plan. So basically, I have to let things die down for a while, and then a year from now when things get worse, I can try to do something then.
> 
> ExWW texted me as soon as she woke up this morning, to make sure the kids don't call my mom '' mama''. Because on Skype last night, my youngest did that thinking it was funny. I ignored her all day until she asked some stuff she needed for the kids dental insurance. And then I had to get some info from her that I need for a mortgage. But she was being nice all the rest of the evening.
> 
> I want to keep messaging and bugging her to get to the bottom of the behavior with OM. Because I am certain if something worse did happen, she would try to hide it and rationalize that it was a one time thing or something like that. But I don't think I will accomplish much other than aggravate her, which is kind of fun to me.
> 
> What do you think, keep questioning her or just wait and talk to the kids in a few days when I get them?
> 
> By the way, if eveeything goes thru with this house, I will be right next to my kids school and daycare, but unfortunately I will also only be about 3 miles from ExWW. And I will be alone, without my mom and dad to deter her from showing up at the doorstep. I think I will put a hidden camera and mic at the front door.


Man in uniform I guess. Many cops have this belief they are above the law, not all but many. Non-metro areas have this quite often. My kids are a lot older. So he did it because your son did. Thank goodness your son didn't grab his junk accidentally. Poor excuse, piss poor. I never kissed my step-daughter anywhere but the forehead until she was crying in my arms. Cheek afterwards. She was about 16 too.

The calling your mom "mama" is so minute. It's a poke, a jab. To get you away from the licking incident. I would wait to question the kids when they return. You will not get a straight answer from her, I promise that. 

Highly recommend the cam and voice. Your XW seems to be scattered and unpredictable. Better safe than sorry. True shame you have to think this way.


----------



## MThomas

collin8550 said:


> I picked up the kids today to start my week of custody, and in the car ride home, my 7 year old starts talking about how OM yelled at him for scratching his car with a rock and that he doesn't want to stay at mama's anymore because of OM coming over there. He also said OM pinches him and his brother in the butt and it hurts.
> 
> I messaged WW later to tell her this, and she immediately started messaging back denying it and wanting to FaceTime the kids. I just ignored because there was no point in arguing. Next thing I know, she is at my parents house and comes in to the room with me and the kids saying we need to discuss this. Then, in a stressed and angry tone, the she starts questioning the kids asking them about everything they told me. They answer her back, and she redirects their answers by saying "was it really like this way instead?. '' or " are you afraid of OM or do you think he tries to protect you? " She had also messaged me saying she told OM to yell at him for scratching the car. And she threatened me with all sorts of things if I try to get OM in trouble with his job (he is a cop).
> 
> I could tell the kids were answering their mom with what they knew she wanted them to say, because they were afraid they would be in trouble. She wasn't questioning them as a concerned parent, but more like telling them they are wrong and OM isn't bad, and trying to minimize and tell them what they feel instead of listening and figuring out why they would say that.


CPS pronto. It's only going to escalate. It is not the OMs job to discipline your/XW kids. Not in the least. If anything, start a papertrail with CPS. The barging in, oh hell no. If your parents will not stop it, you should. Btw-they should have.

You can bet XW and OM have a fill the kids mind talk right before you get them. Maybe wait a few days before you ask the kids. Give time to wind down. But what is going on, is not right. They seem to try and push your buttons hoping you will do something stupid and they can lock you up. All that is, nothing more.

Request a conference with you and XW with lawyers and judge present. Stipulate exactly what you do not want to occur at the other person's residence. Then when it happens you have more latitude to pursue action. Your XW is more interested in jerking your chains and the OM than she is with her children. She will regret that one day. OP coverall bases or CYA in corporate terms.


----------



## collin8550

Hey remember me?

Things have been going good the past year or so. Got a new, good paying job and a new house. I have been taking a break from dating for the past year, but I'm starting to get bored now.

Exww hasn't been communicating with me much this past year either. 99% of her communication has been about the kids, with the occasional personal question that I just ignore. 

Yesterday, first thing in the morning, she texted to say her and her AP got engaged. Said she wanted to tell me before hearing from someone else. I just told her that has nothing to do with me and she said she was letting me know because of the kids, and I said I would handle any issues with them when they happen.

I feel kind of weird now, I guess since it brings back all the memories of the infidelity. Anyway, that's why I turned to TAM, just to talk about it and figure out what I am feeling.


----------



## turnera

It's a hit to your ego, and there's nothing wrong with that. Perfectly normal. But you seem to be in as good a place mentally as you can be.


----------



## Lostinthought61

I can't recall Collin, are the kids old enough to know the truth of their affair and the other question is how do they see him?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Whatever happened with the issue of him yelling at your kids/them not wanting to be over there?

You having weird feelings about her engagement is normal. I know you hate that it affects you at all, but hey we are all human and that happens, unfortunately. It doesnt sound like he is much of a catch, so you should probably expect drama in the coming years.


----------



## collin8550

Kids are 5 and 8, so they don't really understand much. I told the 8 year old when we first separated that mama had a boyfriend and wasn't supposed to and that's why we were splitting up.

Nothing ever happened with the yelling and licking and all that. Nothing has happened since then that I know of. The kids still hate going to their moms though. But they never mention the AP. They say it's because she is mean and won't play with them and all that. I think she just ignores them pretty much.
The oldest actually asked me if we could get CPS (he knows who they are because a neighbor called them on my ex once before for not watching the kids while playing outside), and tell them that mom is mean so they can come stay with me permanently. He said it as a joke, but only because he knows that's not something he should want.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

If they really dont want to be there, maybe the custody arrangements need to be revamped.


----------



## Marc878

collin8550 said:


> Hey remember me?
> 
> Things have been going good the past year or so. Got a new, good paying job and a new house. I have been taking a break from dating for the past year, but I'm starting to get bored now.
> 
> Exww hasn't been communicating with me much this past year either. 99% of her communication has been about the kids, with the occasional personal question that I just ignore.
> 
> This is actually good. It takes awhile for them to realize it's over. They don't get it's not all about them easily.
> 
> Yesterday, first thing in the morning, she texted to say her and her AP got engaged. Said she wanted to tell me before hearing from someone else. I just told her that has nothing to do with me and she said she was letting me know because of the kids, and I said I would handle any issues with them when they happen.
> 
> IMO, no response was needed here. This was just to get your attention. You are correct. It's nothing to you.
> 
> I feel kind of weird now, I guess since it brings back all the memories of the infidelity. Anyway, that's why I turned to TAM, just to talk about it and figure out what I am feeling.


You've done well with NC. Always ask yourself. Does this require a response? The less contact the better in these situations.


----------



## Marc878

collin8550 said:


> Kids are 5 and 8, so they don't really understand much. I told the 8 year old when we first separated that mama had a boyfriend and wasn't supposed to and that's why we were splitting up.
> 
> Nothing ever happened with the yelling and licking and all that. Nothing has happened since then that I know of. The kids still hate going to their moms though. But they never mention the AP. They say it's because she is mean and won't play with them and all that. I think she just ignores them pretty much.
> The oldest actually asked me if we could get CPS (he knows who they are because a neighbor called them on my ex once before for not watching the kids while playing outside), and tell them that mom is mean so they can come stay with me permanently. He said it as a joke, but only because he knows that's not something he should want.


Once they get older they can have a say on who they live with but right now you won't get more than 50/50.

Just be an awesome dad and focus when you have them. Build the bond and relationship. It's all you can do at this time.

You handled this well. You didn't lose a wife. You got rid of a cheater and out of infidelity.

Make sure you fix your picker for your future.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Hey remember me?
> 
> Things have been going good the past year or so. Got a new, good paying job and a new house. I have been taking a break from dating for the past year, but I'm starting to get bored now.
> 
> Exww hasn't been communicating with me much this past year either. 99% of her communication has been about the kids, with the occasional personal question that I just ignore.
> 
> Yesterday, first thing in the morning, she texted to say her and her AP got engaged. Said she wanted to tell me before hearing from someone else. I just told her that has nothing to do with me and she said she was letting me know because of the kids, and I said I would handle any issues with them when they happen.
> 
> I feel kind of weird now, I guess since it brings back all the memories of the infidelity. Anyway, that's why I turned to TAM, just to talk about it and figure out what I am feeling.


Wasn't she making plays on you right and left to get you back? She knew the AP was a mistake in action

and choice. Now she must have a pillow to land her delusional ass on when it hits the ground.

She traded a bag of gold, you, for a bag of candy corn. She knows she downgraded that much....

but she refuses to drop the candy corn. She must have some "consolation prize." She sought "happiness"

and spun the wheel, got the AP. Didn't work out as she planned. Now she is trying to turn

the AP into a second version of you.


----------



## collin8550

Yeah Chuck she was chasing after me for over a year, literally begging at several points. She still texts every year on our anniversary too.


----------



## jsmart

You need to continue working on being the best you possible. Not for her or any other woman but for yourself. Nothing will make you feel better than living life well. That is in your control. 

To be honest, it sounds like life has indeed improved for you, which is good but there still must be something missing in your life, if her announcing the engagement threw you for a loop. 

Have you been working on any hobbies to expand yourself socially? Are you hitting the gym to be the healthiest version of yourself? Are you taking care of your appearance (hair, beard, hygiene, clothes, etc) ? Being very fit and liking what you see in the mirror will help you feel bullet proof. 

If you haven't done these things, then you have your marching orders. Don't be cheap on yourself. Don't have to be a label hoe but once in a while splurge on something for yourself. 

Don't forget the hobbies. They will help you expand your social circle. Another suggestion, take up a martial art. Fitness and hobby in one. Joining an MMA gym will whip you into fighting shape within 6 months.


----------



## Marc878

Just keep in mind that any unnecessary contact has a negative affect on you.

While it seems like she's had to settle for what turned out to be a plan B (other man). That's what this is. Like most they find that out after the fact. She doesn't have any other option. She probably informed you hoping you'd get jealous and have a change of heart. *BUT !!!!!!!*
It doesn't change who she is. Her character is set. 

You could never trust or undo that damage. Plus once a person cheats the capability is there and it often repeats. 

I've seen way too many think they have successfully reconciled only to go thru it again. The character never changed but the cheater was able to control it for a period of time but unless they can make major lifestyle changes, develope boundaries and the discipline to maintain them their old habits resurface at a later date.

While nothing is 100% there are no guarantees and past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior.

I've managed hundreds spread over many different departments and while I've heard people can change I've never seen them change their core character traits. It's like an alcoholic. They may be able to control it but can never change the fact that they are an alcoholic.

Anytime you reconcile you are taking a chance at getting a second dose of infidelity.

You were smart in divorcing her. Infidelity is bad enough but I think a false R and the wasted time/life is worse.


----------



## collin8550

I recently just started back exercising and taking care of myself, and it has made a big difference. I'm still not back to where I was a year ago when I felt awesome, but I should be soon. I was thinking about going back to do MMA after I did it for a year or so a while back. But other than that, I don't have any hobbies or social circles. I have work friends invite me to drink beer occasionally, but I don't want to pick up that habit.


----------



## sokillme

Just remember, even when they say they love you people who cheat don't have the depth to give you the kind of love most people are looking for. Love for them is a feeling they feel -- THEY FEEL. Notice love is about them. Real love is something you give to someone else. 

This is the relationship your wife has with this other guy. 

Maybe one day you will find someone whose love is about giving it to you.


----------



## personofinterest

sokillme said:


> Just remember, even when they say they love you people who cheat don't have the depth to give you the kind of love most people are looking for. Love for them is a feeling they feel -- THEY FEEL. Notice love is about them. Real love is something you give to someone else.
> 
> This is the relationship your wife has with this other guy.
> 
> Maybe one day you will find someone whose love is about giving it to you.


Great points


----------



## sokillme

personofinterest said:


> Great points


Yeah, assuming a BS is not a monster, a healthy attitude for them to have should really be "I deserve better." I wish I would see it more.


----------



## FieryHairedLady

A neighbor called CPS cause an 8 y/o is playing outside. WOW!

In his own yard?


----------



## jsmart

collin8550 said:


> I recently just started back exercising and taking care of myself, and it has made a big difference. I'm still not back to where I was a year ago when I felt awesome, but I should be soon. I was thinking about going back to do MMA after I did it for a year or so a while back. But other than that, I don't have any hobbies or social circles. I have work friends invite me to drink beer occasionally, but I don't want to pick up that habit.


Then you know what you have to do. MMA training will get you in tremendous shape but you must really stick with it. Go hard. Also it's important that you develop hobbies that will get you interacting with others with similar interest.

That's the reason you feel bad. We're social animals that need friends. Even an introverted person needs to have at least a couple of buddies that have his back. Make it your short term goal to get out there. I'm not talking about girls. That will come in time.
I'm talking about getting involved in activities that can help you foster friendships that can last a life time. 

As for your XWW, she's proven through her actions and choices that she's garbage and beneath you. Embrace that. As for her POS. Think about it. He's Wifeing up a cheating divorce with kids? That's some serious loser **** right there.


----------



## collin8550

The neighbor that called CPS on exww is apparently an alcoholic and is one of those people that stay home and stare out the window all day looking for something to get angry about. I had to go in the middle of our separation and meet with CPS to keep them from taking the kids from exww.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

collin8550 said:


> Yeah Chuck she was chasing after me for over a year, literally begging at several points. She still texts every year on our anniversary too.


Does the guy she intends to marry know she has been begging you and chasing you all this time? Astounding loyalty and faithfulness she continues to present...wow. 

Think about that for a bit, and be grateful and thankful you are not him and she is no longer your problem.


----------



## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> The neighbor that called CPS on exww is apparently an alcoholic and is one of those people that stay home and stare out the window all day looking for something to get angry about. I had to go in the middle of our separation and meet with CPS to keep them from taking the kids from exww.


I curious why you did that? Maybe some consequences was just what she needed to get her **** together? You said yourself even your kids have mentioned it. Did you always cover for her? Did her parents cover for her as well?


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> Hey remember me?
> 
> Things have been going good the past year or so. Got a new, good paying job and a new house. I have been taking a break from dating for the past year, but I'm starting to get bored now.
> 
> Exww hasn't been communicating with me much this past year either. 99% of her communication has been about the kids, with the occasional personal question that I just ignore.
> 
> Yesterday, first thing in the morning, she texted to say her and her AP got engaged. Said she wanted to tell me before hearing from someone else. I just told her that has nothing to do with me and she said she was letting me know because of the kids, and I said I would handle any issues with them when they happen.
> 
> I feel kind of weird now, I guess since it brings back all the memories of the infidelity. Anyway, that's why I turned to TAM, just to talk about it and figure out what I am feeling.


My reply...

“Careful, I hear he likes to f*ck other dudes’ wives.”


----------



## MattMatt

collin8550 said:


> I recently just started back exercising and taking care of myself, and it has made a big difference. I'm still not back to where I was a year ago when I felt awesome, but I should be soon. I was thinking about going back to do MMA after I did it for a year or so a while back. But other than that, I don't have any hobbies or social circles. I have work friends invite me to drink beer occasionally, but I don't want to pick up that habit.


The habit of drinking the occasional beer with friends or regularly going out and seeking out alcohol free beers?


----------



## collin8550

I texted her yesterday evening about getting the kids the following day (even though it's her week with them) since they will be at her mom's but I'll be off of work. Normally she responds to every text within seconds, last night she ignored me for several hours and finally responded angrily and arguing with me. I just played it cool and then she finally did a 180 and calmed down and began to work with me. She is probably mad that I didn't respond jealously to her engagement a couple days ago. But anyway, her attitude reminded me of her anger and yelling during the marriage and affair and how miserable she is.


I often wondered if he knew she was chasing me. I think they fight a lot (at least they did during the affair, constantly), maybe that's part of the reason why.


I can handle a couple of beers occasionally, but I have to be careful because I'll make it a habit and blow my diet and start eating a bunch of junk and skipping the gym.


The CPS thing was a fluke. I could have went along with it and tried to hopefully wake her up some, but I would have been lying. She's a below average mother and is selfish even when it comes to the kids, but I don't think it's bad enough for CPS to be involved.


----------



## jsmart

That POS is going to be very controlling of her. He knows deep down that if she can betray the father of her kid and the man that she had so much history with, what's to prevent her from cheating on him.

I'm sure she's already not happy but has to go along with her choice. She's already permanently damaged her relationship with her kids. Family and close friends all know what she did to the family. So with all her bridged burned, she has to put up this defiant front to save face. She knows she's being judged. This causes her to cling to her bad boy even harder. 

Now that she's been with him for a while, she sees that it doesn't live up to what she built it up in her head. The thrill of the chase and sneaking around is over and all that is left is life without everything you valued.

This loser POS is wifing up a cheating divorce with kids because that's all he can get. Only a simp would put a ring on that and I'm sure she subconsciously knows that. Which lowers her view of him.

It hurts her that you're no longer affected by her relationship. It's means she's lost her plan B. Mark my words, when you finally start dating a woman that you're serious about, it will rock her world.


----------



## Chuck71

The AP was her Plan B starting after Collin refused her advances. His XWW just wanted an AP, she never

imagined having to "settle for him." She will cheat on him, if she hasn't already. That is a 

no-brainer. She would take Collin back in a heartbeat today, next month, next year.

As @jsmart said, he will be controlling of her.... a WW with kids. This guy must be a low income, ugly dude.

Her payback by Collin refusing her...has hurt her tremendously. But what will "break her" is when the

kids become of age and want little or nothing to do with her. That's when she will develop a drinking

problem, crying as she looks at old photo albums where the kids were young and Collin was her H.

Collin.....this may not happen until 6-8 years down the road, but it will.


----------



## Marc878

collin8550 said:


> I texted her yesterday evening about getting the kids the following day (even though it's her week with them) since they will be at her mom's but I'll be off of work. *Normally she responds to every text within seconds, last night she ignored me for several hours and finally responded angrily and arguing with me.* I just played it cool and then she finally did a 180 and calmed down and began to work with me. She is probably mad that I didn't respond jealously to her engagement a couple days ago. But anyway, her attitude reminded me of her anger and yelling during the marriage and affair and how miserable she is.
> .


She told you about her engagement to get a rise out of you. Now she's mad because you didn't react.

Bud, you were supposed to beg for her. >

If you stay hard NC she'll eventually get it.


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> I texted her yesterday evening about getting the kids the following day (even though it's her week with them) since they will be at her mom's but I'll be off of work. Normally she responds to every text within seconds, last night she ignored me for several hours and finally responded angrily and arguing with me. I just played it cool and then she finally did a 180 and calmed down and began to work with me. She is probably mad that I didn't respond jealously to her engagement a couple days ago. But anyway, her attitude reminded me of her anger and yelling during the marriage and affair and how miserable she is.
> 
> 
> I often wondered if he knew she was chasing me. I think they fight a lot (at least they did during the affair, constantly), maybe that's part of the reason why.
> 
> 
> I can handle a couple of beers occasionally, but I have to be careful because I'll make it a habit and blow my diet and start eating a bunch of junk and skipping the gym.
> 
> 
> The CPS thing was a fluke. I could have went along with it and tried to hopefully wake her up some, but I would have been lying. She's a below average mother and is selfish even when it comes to the kids, but I don't think it's bad enough for CPS to be involved.


Show up to the wedding and give a toast. Mention how glad you are that she finally stopped harassing and chasing you to settle down with the guy with whom she’d been cheating.

Put emphasis on the word “settle”.


----------



## collin8550

Kids just got here and said "guess what? Mama is getting married". I asked them if they wanted a guy and 2 girl kids living there and they said no, of course. But they actually seem kind of excited as far as I can tell. I asked them where they were going to sleep and they said they were going to get bunk beds in their room. That house is already tiny and stays junked up, so it will be miserable. The kids also say POS house is terribly messy with dog fur and junk everywhere. So I may end up having to call child services after all.


----------



## collin8550

Yeah the POS is a loser. He lives in a rundown trailer in a trailer park, and has to borrow money from people all the time from what I hear.

And on top of all that, since the separation, exWW has gained a lot of weight and looks like a line backer. To be honest, I think the dude could probably get someone better than her. Not sure why he likes her.


----------



## jsmart

What does that say about your XWW that she blew up her family to be with this loser? They're getting what they both deserve. Life with her bad boy is not living up to what she imagined it would be when she was sneaking around lying to everyone. 

Taking the lifestyle hit combined with her status going from married mother with an intact family to remarried woman with kids shuttling between homes and seeing them endure a step dad is going to make for growing regret. Especially when you finally start dating.

And this simp worked hard to steal a married mother. That she's already putting on weight before they're even married, means she's not into him as much as before. 

I really want you to up your intensity on your self improvement. I know you've been busy with a new job and getting into a new house, (very awesome btw) but you need to work on yourself. It's been a year and it's time you get out there. There's a good woman that's looking for a man like you but you won't find her in your house. You must build your social circle.

Your kids will be happy to see daddy with a kind sweet woman. They may be to young to fully understand what happened to their family but they can see daddy's alone. Let them witness you continue to rise from the ashes.

@collin8550 GET OUT THERE.


----------



## honcho

collin8550 said:


> Yeah the POS is a loser. He lives in a rundown trailer in a trailer park, and has to borrow money from people all the time from what I hear.
> 
> And on top of all that, since the separation, exWW has gained a lot of weight and looks like a line backer. To be honest, I think the dude could probably get someone better than her. Not sure why he likes her.


They all seem to gain weight. Sooner or later she will start losing weight which will mean she's on the hunt for a replacement Mr perfect.


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> Yeah the POS is a loser. He lives in a rundown trailer in a trailer park, and has to borrow money from people all the time from what I hear.
> 
> And on top of all that, since the separation, exWW has gained a lot of weight and looks like a line backer. To be honest, I think the dude could probably get someone better than her. Not sure why he likes her.


Throw in a “...anyway, thanks for taking ‘Fatty’ off my hands, dude. Hopefully she’ll at least slow down on the value meals so you don’t have to spring for that double wide before next year’s tax refund...” at the end of the aforementioned wedding toast.

:lol: :rofl:


----------



## collin8550

Thanks for all the encouragement. It helps tremendously. 

My diet and exercise has been going good so far. It's only been a couple weeks but I'm already looking better in the mirror and feeling better. A few more weeks of this and my confidence level should be back up pretty high and I'll start dipping my toes in the dating pool.


----------



## [email protected]

Collin8550, I think everyone here is proud of you.


----------



## Marc878

OH my!!! When she finds out you're dating the bugging will ramp up.

You are supposed to remain celibate because she's irreplaceable. How could you do this to poor muffin???


----------



## Chuck71

Her M her AP..... no big deal, we're "in love"

Collin dating "anyone".....explosion

That's usually how it works.

She gets to lay up with her AP, white trash

where Collin dates a female 0.00001% more attractive than WW.....explosion 

WW will attack you any way possible....and will use the kids to try and do it.

Be @50k, cool....firm.....dispassionate. 

"I'm sorry you feel that way"
"I see things otherwise"
"Done yet?"
"Remind me to GaF" (personal addition)


----------



## jsmart

Marc878 said:


> OH my!!! When she finds out you're dating the bugging will ramp up.
> 
> You are supposed to remain celibate because she's irreplaceable. How could you do this to poor muffin???


I totally agree. Even though she's living in a trailer with a POS loser and is obviously hitting the wall hard, she still thinks that she's the best that Collin can get. Like many WW's, she can't believe her husband can be a catch or that another woman would value him. 

When the new and improved @collin8550 eventually finds that woman that rocks his world, he will really see the bitterness in his XWW. She will blame him for how her life turned out.


----------



## collin8550

Yeah she is pretty much following the exact same life path as her mom, who has been single the last 20 years since her 2nd husband left. The only difference is her mom didn't cheat, unless she hid it from everyone very well.

Her mom is an overweight ogre with false teeth since she was about 40. But her 2nd husband moved in with her and brought his kids and they lived in a cramped, miserable little rundown trailer, which she still lives in today.

Not only is exWW following in her footsteps, she is starting to look more like her everyday.


----------



## TDSC60

collin8550 said:


> Yeah she is pretty much following the exact same life path as her mom, who has been single the last 20 years since her 2nd husband left. The only difference is her mom didn't cheat, unless she hid it from everyone very well.
> 
> Her mom is an overweight ogre with false teeth since she was about 40. But her 2nd husband moved in with her and brought his kids and they lived in a cramped, miserable little rundown trailer, which she still lives in today.
> 
> Not only is exWW following in her footsteps, she is starting to look more like her everyday.


The old saw holds true. "If you want to know what a possible wife will look like at 40 years old.......look at her mother."


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Collin, keep your eye on the future. Make goals for yourself. Write these goals down. Make yourself a better person. You can do it, and look forward not back as the past is the past an there is not a thing you can do about it. Become a lean mean dating machine.


----------



## MattMatt

"I will never be like my mother/father" says every clone ever created.


----------



## collin8550

Exww was supposed to get the kids tonight, but she texted to see if I wanted to keep them the rest of the week till next weekend. She's pretty much acting like she did after dday and again after the separation. She doesn't have any interest in the kids right now it seems, and she had been doing better I thought for the past year since she cut way back on trying to get back together with me. Maybe the wedding coming up has her back in the fog mentality. It's kind of aggravating. I never wanted my kids to have a mom they won't have a relationship with when they get older. 

I told her i would keep the kids this week since they want to stay. She said they probably do want to stay with me so they won't have to go to daycare all week while school is closed for Easter. But I told her that they haven't mentioned anything about daycare. They have been saying some bad things about their mom all weekend, like they don't like her and don't want to stay with her. Also, my niece and nephew we're talking with my kids about their mom getting married, and then talking about OM because they met him a couple times at a birthday party. Niece and nephew said they don't like him because he is creepy and scary. 

I want to message exww and tell her somehow that the kids don't like her and that she needs to try to build a relationship with them now before OM moves in after the wedding and the kids are miserable and begin to hate her and hate being there, but I don't want her to get the wrong idea and think I want her back or am bothered by the wedding. I probably just won't say anything.


----------



## honcho

collin8550 said:


> Exww was supposed to get the kids tonight, but she texted to see if I wanted to keep them the rest of the week till next weekend. She's pretty much acting like she did after dday and again after the separation. She doesn't have any interest in the kids right now it seems, and she had been doing better I thought for the past year since she cut way back on trying to get back together with me. Maybe the wedding coming up has her back in the fog mentality. It's kind of aggravating. I never wanted my kids to have a mom they won't have a relationship with when they get older.
> 
> I told her i would keep the kids this week since they want to stay. She said they probably do want to stay with me so they won't have to go to daycare all week while school is closed for Easter. But I told her that they haven't mentioned anything about daycare. They have been saying some bad things about their mom all weekend, like they don't like her and don't want to stay with her. Also, my niece and nephew we're talking with my kids about their mom getting married, and then talking about OM because they met him a couple times at a birthday party. Niece and nephew said they don't like him because he is creepy and scary.
> 
> I want to message exww and tell her somehow that the kids don't like her and that she needs to try to build a relationship with them now before OM moves in after the wedding and the kids are miserable and begin to hate her and hate being there, but I don't want her to get the wrong idea and think I want her back or am bothered by the wedding. I probably just won't say anything.


Saying anything is a futile effort and no matter how you try to handle it will go badly because she will only perceive in a way thats not intended. 

She is making the choice to me a crap mom and shes got to live with the consequences that will eventually come from it.


----------



## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> Exww was supposed to get the kids tonight, but she texted to see if I wanted to keep them the rest of the week till next weekend. She's pretty much acting like she did after dday and again after the separation. She doesn't have any interest in the kids right now it seems, and she had been doing better I thought for the past year since she cut way back on trying to get back together with me. Maybe the wedding coming up has her back in the fog mentality. It's kind of aggravating. I never wanted my kids to have a mom they won't have a relationship with when they get older.
> 
> I told her i would keep the kids this week since they want to stay. She said they probably do want to stay with me so they won't have to go to daycare all week while school is closed for Easter. But I told her that they haven't mentioned anything about daycare. They have been saying some bad things about their mom all weekend, like they don't like her and don't want to stay with her. Also, my niece and nephew we're talking with my kids about their mom getting married, and then talking about OM because they met him a couple times at a birthday party. Niece and nephew said they don't like him because he is creepy and scary.
> 
> I want to message exww and tell her somehow that the kids don't like her and that she needs to try to build a relationship with them now before OM moves in after the wedding and the kids are miserable and begin to hate her and hate being there, but I don't want her to get the wrong idea and think I want her back or am bothered by the wedding. I probably just won't say anything.


How old are your kids? Any idea what is wrong with your wife, was she always like this?


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## 3Xnocharm

Her relationship with the kids is HER responsibility. Period. Don’t interfere. She will hang herself soon enough. 

If the kids over time continue not wanting to see her, please have their backs. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Yeah she is pretty much following the exact same life path as her mom, who has been single the last 20 years since her 2nd husband left. The only difference is her mom didn't cheat, unless she hid it from everyone very well.
> 
> Her mom is an overweight ogre with false teeth since she was about 40. But her 2nd husband moved in with her and brought his kids and they lived in a cramped, miserable little rundown trailer, which she still lives in today.
> 
> Not only is exWW following in her footsteps, she is starting to look more like her everyday.


The very FIRST time pop met my 2nd love's (college sweetheart) mom, he never liked her.

-Son.... look at your sweet cute g/f now.....and look at her mom. That will be her ass in 20 years-

He was 110% right and is one of the golden popisms I remember, nearly 30 years later.

Edit-It was more her crappy disposition than looks


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## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Exww was supposed to get the kids tonight, but she texted to see if I wanted to keep them the rest of the week till next weekend. She's pretty much acting like she did after dday and again after the separation. She doesn't have any interest in the kids right now it seems, and she had been doing better I thought for the past year since she cut way back on trying to get back together with me. Maybe the wedding coming up has her back in the fog mentality. It's kind of aggravating. I never wanted my kids to have a mom they won't have a relationship with when they get older.
> 
> I told her i would keep the kids this week since they want to stay. She said they probably do want to stay with me so they won't have to go to daycare all week while school is closed for Easter. But I told her that they haven't mentioned anything about daycare. They have been saying some bad things about their mom all weekend, like they don't like her and don't want to stay with her. Also, my niece and nephew we're talking with my kids about their mom getting married, and then talking about OM because they met him a couple times at a birthday party. Niece and nephew said they don't like him because he is creepy and scary.
> 
> I want to message exww and tell her somehow that the kids don't like her and that she needs to try to build a relationship with them now before OM moves in after the wedding and the kids are miserable and begin to hate her and hate being there, but I don't want her to get the wrong idea and think I want her back or am bothered by the wedding. I probably just won't say anything.


As Honcho stated..... any attempt is futile. She would simply do it, to spite you. But always keep

a close pulse on the kids. If they start becoming socially uninterested and / or falling grades 

you may want to contact your lawyer about trying to obtain the kids FT. Yeah yeah yeah, slim chance

BUT....if your children are being placed in an environment that stunts their growth emotionally 

and intellectually you have an obligation to retaliate for the best interest of the kids.

The courts are still slanted.....but not as bad as before.


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## [email protected]

Perhaps Collin ought to alert child protective services.


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## Chuck71

[email protected] said:


> Perhaps Collin ought to alert child protective services.


Which could very easily turn into a urinating contest. Reason I mentioned attorney.


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## jsmart

It's sad to see how a WW becomes so self centered. But to be honest, that's becoming very common. WHs have traditionally behaved this way and were rightly called out and scorned by his kids but now you're see more WW doing this and so many want to tip toe around them, so as to not hurt their feelings, telling them "you're not a bad person." or you're still a good mother." meanwhile they're causing so much chaos. 

If you were to read the threads of married mothers on LS, you would see how little their kids matter. It's 24/7 pining for their MM. Wishing that he would leave his family. Asking if what they had was real and will he call her again over and over in different ways. 

That saddest thing about that, is that the kids suffer the emotional lost of their mother. Since those are not POS kids, he doesn't care if they're emotional damaged. He just wants all of her time. The courts can mandate that a man continue to provide for his kids but there's no such way to mandate that a woman continue to love and nurture her kids.


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## collin8550

Yeah it is sad. Exww just texted to see if I would have a problem with POS and his daughter moving in now before the wedding in November. We have a stipulation in the divorce that says neither of us can have any unmarried people from the opposite sex stay overnight with the kids there. 

I didn't answer her. He must be losing his trailer or something.


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## 3Xnocharm

collin8550 said:


> Yeah it is sad. Exww just texted to see if I would have a problem with POS and his daughter moving in now before the wedding in November. *We have a stipulation in the divorce that says neither of us can have any unmarried people from the opposite sex stay overnight with the kids there.
> *
> I didn't answer her. He must be losing his trailer or something.


Email her a copy of *this* portion of your decree, let THAT be your response.


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## jsmart

collin8550 said:


> Yeah it is sad. Exww just texted to see i*f I would have a problem with POS and his daughter moving in now before the wedding in November*. We have a stipulation in the divorce that says neither of us can have any unmarried people from the opposite sex stay overnight with the kids there.
> 
> I didn't answer her. *He must be losing his trailer* or something.


So POS has main custody of his daughter? That would mean your Ex is going to have the privilege of being a full time step mom too. So your kids will not only have to deal with her loser bad boy but with daugher as well. Maybe she'll be a better step mother than she is mother.

You said that she wants for them to be able to move in, does that mean they don't live together now? He's in his trailer and she's in her own place? 

This is the real ugly part of divorce and why so many BHs take so much abuse just to keep the family intact. Once she's under some new man's influence, the kids take a back seat. Have to keep the new man happy.


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## Marc878

collin8550 said:


> Yeah it is sad. Exww just texted to see if I would have a problem with POS and his daughter moving in now before the wedding in November. We have a stipulation in the divorce that says neither of us can have any unmarried people from the opposite sex stay overnight with the kids there.
> 
> I didn't answer her. He must be losing his trailer or something.


This is probably unenforceable. Just because you have it written out doesn't mean the court would act or at least in a timely manner. And you'd probably have to pay an attorney, etc, etc.

I would just ignore her as much as possible. You can only control your side.

Your kids may not like it but unless there's some provable evidence she'll maintain 50% custody. Trailer, dirty house, etc isn't going to get you a thing.


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## Taxman

Colin, I am going to tell you the secret to getting anything you want out of her. Be silent. The kids already do not like being around her. When they get older, the courts will accept their opinions. In the meantime, she is fat, living in a trailer with a POS very soon, and probably hating her life. Let her wallow in the filth that she created. You keep your silence, move on, look good, build a nice nest egg, have the nice house, find the nice girl, and build a family that she can only look at from a distance and wonder wtf she did wrong. This, as I have described is the face of Karma. Karma gets to kick your ExWife in the teeth for being a lowlife. So she is going to be a fat ugly lonely old woman, whose own children will have nothing to do with her. 

Sounds like one of my Mom's girlfriends from back in the day. She was a piece of work. When her husband got too sick to work, she kicked him out. When her sons did not OBEY her, she turned her back on them. Her grandchildren never got to know her. When I was injured at school, she accused me of hurting myself on purpose so that I could monopolize my mother's time. As time wore on, this woman was left totally alone. No friends no family. My mom was nothing if not persistent, she maintained the strained friendship. Her sons honored their father, and had nothing to do with their mother. She cursed their lives. At one point my mother said that she had earned her loneliness, after having driven everyone away. Her remarks, if they were not willing to do what I wanted, to hell with them. I took my mother to this woman's funeral. We were two of five, including clergy. Her sons, and her ex did not attend. What was most interesting, is that she died intestate, no will. I was the closest thing to a professional that she had around, so my opinion was required. I said that the estate should go to next of kin. So, I contacted both sons, invited them to my office and laid it all out. They, initially did not want a cent. I said to them, that, she probably did not want them to have anything at all, it would be the ultimate revenge if they profited from her estate. They took their parts, I took a fee, and hoped that she is rolling over in the grave.


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## TJW

Taxman said:


> Karma gets to kick your ExWife in the teeth for being a lowlife. So she is going to be a fat ugly lonely old woman, whose own children will have nothing to do with her.


I don't know if I believe in Karma. But, I do have to say, that I have watched it in action (if it exists). I came to my senses and got away from an old SO. She has become exactly as described, over 35 years I have been gone, except that she regained her kids along the way. I'm really glad her ruin wasn't total, but she has become a hermit.


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## collin8550

No. POS and exww don't live together yet, just because of the divorce decree forbiding it . I replliied to her that she needs to follow the rules.. She didn't argue or anything, but just immediately started to talk about the kids randomly and about her car being in the shop. She probably was hoping to get me mad since I havent said anything about the marriage. 


POS actually has 5kids. 2 are in their 20's, 1 is a teen from a prior affair and lives with her mother, and the youngest 2 girls share custody with his ex wife . They were both supposed to be moving in with exw and POS. Not sure why she only mentioned 1 moving in today.


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## collin8550

And no, POS doesn't have full custody of his daughters. He has them 50/50. He works shift work like me, and the days he is off, he has his youngest 2 daughters. And the way our schedules alternate, when he is off I am working. So anytime he is with exww, she has her kids and he has his. They only have alone time if they have a sitter.


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## Andy1001

collin8550 said:


> And no, POS doesn't have full custody of his daughters. He has them 50/50. He works shift work like me, and the days he is off, he has his youngest 2 daughters. And the way our schedules alternate, when he is off I am working. So anytime he is with exww, she has her kids and he has his. They only have alone time if they have a sitter.


When POS moves in I will give it a month before the **** show begins.


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## collin8550

That's what I'm thinking. I was thinking maybe a year or two at most, but being that the house is tiny and overcrowded with 3 people living there , adding another 2 or 3 people will be miserable. And exww is lazy and never cleans and multiple people say POS is just as bad. There is no storage at all in the house, and exww is a pack rat bordering on hoarder. So you can't even sit down with out having to move stuff to the floor.


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## sokillme

Maybe be open to the fact that your kids might want to come live with you most of the time.


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## collin8550

Definitely. They already want to live with me full time now. They said the other day that they wish mom would do stuff with them without having to bring POS Everytime.


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## Affaircare

@collin8550, 

Let me tell you a story about my own ExH and my Dear Hubby's ExW. Both were on the narcissistic spectrum, and both had affairs and would not stop. Both thought we "held them back" in the marriage and they deserved so much more...so they had that entitled kind of mindset. I had two children, and Dear Hubby had five total--three that were still in the home, two grown and moved out.

My exH was a Disney Dad. He wanted shared custody and didn't want to pay child support, and yet he would go a month or two without even seeing the kids and when he did, he would just take them out to McD's ... once he honestly took them to Disney! Dear Hubby's exW was the exact same way: she wanted shared custody and she didn't pay ANYTHING toward child support (she had a law degree from an Ivy League college--Dear Hubby was a graphich artist)...and yet she would take them once a month for the weekend if she took them at all. 

We decided even before we were married that we would just accept that. Nope, it's not fair, but life isn't fair. All the kids stayed with us about 95% of the time, and we didn't get our exes to split costs evenly...but we knew the kids were all in a safe place and loved. Both exes had multiple "partners" and had no conscience about bringing around strangers in front of the kids. Neither ex put the kids before themselves. Soooo...Dear Hubby and I just agreed that we would suck it up and live with it for the kids' sakes. Yes, we sometimes had mac n cheese with hamburger for dinner. Yes, we had to make Halloween costumes at home and save up for computers and games. But in the end, there are seven well-adjusted adults in the world today because we just accepted that it wouldn't be fair and raised them as best we could. 

Your exW is a piece of work, and you won't be able to "make her" be a better person or parent. It's not fair that she made children with you and you'll have to be a parent by yourself. But here you are. I know it's sour, but it is what it is, and I say just accept that you'll have the kids and let them be with you safe and loved as much as you reasonably can.


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## collin8550

I was just thinking last night that maybe since exww has pretty much left me alone the past few months, hadn't been trying to get back together and had actually been taking the kids to do stuff (even if it's only when OM and his kids can go), and has seemed like her life was getting back on track somewhat, that maybe she would get married and be happy and turn into a decent mother. 

But just a few minutes ago she texted wanting to know the password for one of the games on the kids iPads. I said I didn't know. Then she went into a long tirade about how the youngest kid is whining for the game and that she was going to throw the iPads away and that she is sick of them whining. I told her to do this little tickle game that they like, to make them forget about wanting to play the iPads. She texted back that she tried and it didn't work and that now he is mad at her.

The whole scenario reminded me of what I most hated about her during the marriage. I instantly remembered all the times she had that same attitude and how aggravating it was.

Keep in mind that POS and his kids haven't moved in yet , so she hasn't even had to deal with the extra stress from all that yet. But like I mentioned in a previous post, it's like she is back to going thru the way she acted while in the fog. I imagine me and the kids are in for an eventful year or two going forward. 

By the way, if everyone is getting tired of reading these mundane updates , let me know and I will stop. But it does help me feel better to get it out and I like having a record to go back and look at. Plus I like reading updates from other betrayed spouses on their threads.


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## jsmart

Collin, TAM is here to be your sounding board and a place for you to vent. We're here to provide advise or to just lend an ear. 24 hours a day, there's a TAMer who can pull you back from the brink.

I do agree that she will get worse once POS and his kids move in. More stress will make her less patient with your kids. She has the less than half the time yet she has a short fuse. I can imagine POS chiming in about how your kid is being a brat. They're not his kids, so I doubt he's going to be all patient with your ex spending some much time and energy on them.


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## 3Xnocharm

Geez no wonder your kids don’t want to be there. 

Document. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## honcho

collin8550 said:


> I was just thinking last night that maybe since exww has pretty much left me alone the past few months, hadn't been trying to get back together and had actually been taking the kids to do stuff (even if it's only when OM and his kids can go), and has seemed like her life was getting back on track somewhat, that maybe she would get married and be happy and turn into a decent mother.
> 
> But just a few minutes ago she texted wanting to know the password for one of the games on the kids iPads. I said I didn't know. Then she went into a long tirade about how the youngest kid is whining for the game and that she was going to throw the iPads away and that she is sick of them whining. I told her to do this little tickle game that they like, to make them forget about wanting to play the iPads. She texted back that she tried and it didn't work and that now he is mad at her.
> 
> The whole scenario reminded me of what I most hated about her during the marriage. I instantly remembered all the times she had that same attitude and how aggravating it was.
> 
> Keep in mind that POS and his kids haven't moved in yet , so she hasn't even had to deal with the extra stress from all that yet. But like I mentioned in a previous post, it's like she is back to going thru the way she acted while in the fog. I imagine me and the kids are in for an eventful year or two going forward.
> 
> By the way, if everyone is getting tired of reading these mundane updates , let me know and I will stop. But it does help me feel better to get it out and I like having a record to go back and look at. Plus I like reading updates from other betrayed spouses on their threads.


I'd be shocked if this marriage ever happens. She wanted you back and you rebuffed her attempts. She probably accepted the proposal hoping you'd finally see your running out of time and you'd tell her you want her back or some such foolishness. 

This guy/marriage has train wreck written all over it, even she must see that


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## FieryHairedLady

The updates are great! 

Glad people here can help.

Play the long game. Be the best co parent ever. Her and new hubby want moire time together? Sure drop them off at your house, etc. 

Maybe even offer to take them completely off her hands for the next 3 months so the other kids can get adjusted in their new home.

haha

Oh gee, the kids are real comfy here, maybe they can just stay with me FT?

How soon til the kids get to decide where they live?


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## collin8550

Thanks everyone.

I'm not sure how long before gets kid to decide where they stay. They are 5 and 8, so I guess it will be a while still. But I can imagine them complaining more and more until she finally just gets fed up and tells them "fine, just stay with your dad forever." But I think after a week or two she would feel bad and try to get them back.


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## Andy1001

collin8550 said:


> Thanks everyone.
> 
> I'm not sure how long before gets kid to decide where they stay. They are 5 and 8, so I guess it will be a while still. But I can imagine them complaining more and more until she finally just gets fed up and tells them "fine, just stay with your dad forever." But I think after a week or two she would feel bad and try to get them back.


What you could do is allow POS to move in with her,they will probably fight so much that the wedding will be canceled. 
But then she may turn her attention back to you.It’s not an easy decision you’re going to have to make. 
As for the kids,be the best parent you can be. Make your home a place that your kids are happy to come back to,because the three ring circus that is your ex’s life is going to make her home very uncomfortable for anyone unfortunate enough to live there. Keep an eye on school attendance and homework being turned in etc. If you can prove that them living with her and POS is having a detrimental effect on their education you may get primary custody. 
The one thing I would advice you is to keep a written record of everything involving her and your kids. Every time she asks you to take them earlier or keep them later,every missed appointment,school attendance level,basically anything that makes her look bad is ammunition for you.


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## jsmart

collin8550 said:


> Thanks everyone.
> 
> I'm not sure how long before gets kid to decide where they stay. *They are 5 and 8*, so I guess it will be a while still. But I can imagine them complaining more and more until she finally just gets fed up and tells them "fine, just stay with your dad forever." But I think after a week or two she would feel bad and try to get them back.



Wow, your youngest is 5. That means she started whor... when she had a 3 year old at home? What a classy lady. Now the kids lives are in turmoil so she can follow her heart and chase after her loser bad boy. 

It is only because you have been going above and beyond, that your kids are doing as well as they are. Her chasing after a gutter life style requires that you be extra squeaky clean for the kids sake, which I'm sure is why you haven't been able to have a romantic life. You're all about the kids. 

We're always bombarded with how great single moms are for supposedly doing so much. The husbands who abandoned those families are rightly condemned but when men step up like you have, there's nary a word of praise. I'd bet there's not a word of condemnation for your ex either. So I take my hat off to you.


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## Decorum

I read your updates each time. They are good, and I think they are a benefit to others too.


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## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> I was just thinking last night that maybe since exww has pretty much left me alone the past few months, hadn't been trying to get back together and had actually been taking the kids to do stuff (even if it's only when OM and his kids can go), and has seemed like her life was getting back on track somewhat, that maybe she would get married and be happy and turn into a decent mother.
> 
> But just a few minutes ago she texted wanting to know the password for one of the games on the kids iPads. I said I didn't know. Then she went into a long tirade about how the youngest kid is whining for the game and that she was going to throw the iPads away and that she is sick of them whining. I told her to do this little tickle game that they like, to make them forget about wanting to play the iPads. She texted back that she tried and it didn't work and that now he is mad at her.
> 
> The whole scenario reminded me of what I most hated about her during the marriage. I instantly remembered all the times she had that same attitude and how aggravating it was.
> 
> Keep in mind that POS and his kids haven't moved in yet , so she hasn't even had to deal with the extra stress from all that yet. But like I mentioned in a previous post, it's like she is back to going thru the way she acted while in the fog. I imagine me and the kids are in for an eventful year or two going forward.
> 
> By the way, if everyone is getting tired of reading these mundane updates , let me know and I will stop. But it does help me feel better to get it out and I like having a record to go back and look at. Plus I like reading updates from other betrayed spouses on their threads.


Collin..... I've followed your story since, I'm guessing 2016. Personally....I like hearing your updates.

99.9% of others are as well. People here at TAM pull for you. I have quite a few friends whom I met here,

I stay in touch with in back chat. Yeah they say I have helped them but I think knowing these men 

and women, have made me a better person. There's been a number of times in the past,

where I thought /wonder how 'ol Collin's doing/ Granted my ADHD has my mind racing 90 to 

nothing all the time. But it's like "family" here. Your post exudes positivity.... you were devastated

when you found out she was cheating. You picked yourself up, followed through with the D and was a steadfast

great father to your kids. Your posts are a road map for BS who just got here, and are in agony.

I still do updates, my D was just over 6 years ago. A lot of people read mine but don't post.

But that's perfectly OK. Most of mine are here's what happened, here's what I did, here's

how I feel..... Not really asking for advice.

Your WW will M this loser, she has backed herself into a corner and is doing this to "save face."

But it won't last 18 months. It has disaster written all over it. Sad part is your kids have to watch

this unfold. And carry this with them. My parents had a very dysfunctional M and it messed me

up pretty bad when puberty hit. I know the kids are too young right now but ask your attorney,

Can they talk to a child psychologist and have their thoughts documented. A judge may consider

this earlier than you think.


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## collin8550

Great comments everyone. Thank you. 

I actually did think about telling her that POS could move in early, just so they would fight. Or to try and lead exww on to have an affair with me and make POS angry. Even though it would feel good to get revenge, it isn't worth the energy, plus I'm not that type of person and I would lose the moral high ground that I enjoy right now. 

I remember finding out later, that during the affair, exww would feel guilty and try to cut POS off (and remain best friends of course) and focus on her marriage and family. I've seen old texts where POS would get jealous and mope around and try to guilt and manipulate her back into the affair. So I imagine he is going to be miserable while they are married and Everytime she has to talk to me about the kids or sees me at a function for the kids, and they will fight over that.

Today has been the best I've felt since hearing of the marriage coming up. My exercise and diet is still going good and I'm already making good progress.

I was also thinking, about how the past year or so that exww hasn't been bothering me much and has actually seemed to be turning into a halfway decent mother. Right around that time is when we adjusted our custody schedule (at my request) to fit my new job. So instead of having a week at a time with the kids, exww has been having them only 2 or 3 days and then I would have them 2 or 3 days. So right when she is getting sick of them after 2 days, it would be my turn to take them. But now for the next month I have to work everyday straight. So we will go back to 1 week of custody at a time and I will just see them in the evenings at my mom's house. So that could be part of why she is reverting back to angry mom, since she won't get a break from the kids for 5 more days.


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## collin8550

Forgot to say, the youngest child may have actually been 2 when she started whoring around. I remember towards the end, she would come home from work late after not seeing the babies since early that morning, and walk past is without saying hello or even looking at the kids, and go straight to take a bath for an hour or so. That used to make me hate her more than anything. But being naive, I thought it was post partum depression or something of that nature because I was certain she could never cheat.


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## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Forgot to say, the youngest child may have actually been 2 when she started whoring around. I remember towards the end, she would come home from work late after not seeing the babies since early that morning, and walk past is without saying hello or even looking at the kids, and go straight to take a bath for an hour or so. That used to make me hate her more than anything. But being naive, I thought it was post partum depression or something of that nature because I was certain she could never cheat.


Don't beat yourself up.....you trusted in her, she stepped outside the M. 110% on her. Funny the sorry POS

would mope when she cut him off and now.....he has her ALL to himself. I can see him at a bar very 

soon, drinking...asking total strangers 'HITF did I screw my life up'

But it's like the old saying -Be careful what you wish for- 

Collin...... I want to ask..... Will it bother you, she is M him? It's ok to say yes.


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## collin8550

I think it prob will bother me. Especially if it goes the opposite of how I predict, and they turn out super happy and the kids stop wanting to come to my house because they have so much fun with exww and POS. And if exww ends up with some kind of super high paying job. 
I'm often pessimistic about things, though I keep it to myself and try to be optimistic. 

But, I don't think I would care if exww met a normal guy that was nice and friendly and good to the kids. I may would actually be friendly with him. But marrying the POS seems worse. I guess because if it's successful, that pretty much justifies her affair and all the damage done to me and the kids. 

The positive though, is that the more I get bothered or sad, the more motivated I am to exercise and better myself and to be a better father.


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## notmyjamie

collin8550 said:


> But marrying the POS seems worse. I guess because if it's successful, that pretty much justifies her affair and all the damage done to me and the kids.


It does not, in any way, shape, or form justify that. Not by a long shot. It says they are two people of low morals who belong together. And even if they look happy to you, that's no guarantee that they are...both of them have to live with the knowledge that their romance started off trashy. Yuck.

But by all means, keep up the healthy behaviors you've been doing. It can't do anything but help you!!!!


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## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> I think it prob will bother me. Especially if it goes the opposite of how I predict, and they turn out super happy and the kids stop wanting to come to my house because they have so much fun with exww and POS. And if exww ends up with some kind of super high paying job.
> I'm often pessimistic about things, though I keep it to myself and try to be optimistic.
> 
> But, I don't think I would care if exww met a normal guy that was nice and friendly and good to the kids. I may would actually be friendly with him. But marrying the POS seems worse. I guess because if it's successful, that pretty much justifies her affair and all the damage done to me and the kids.
> 
> The positive though, is that the more I get bothered or sad, the more motivated I am to exercise and better myself and to be a better father.


Chances are....if the two of you didn't have kids, you would be much farther along. You still have to

interact with her. Every blue moon you might catch a glimpse of who she was a long time ago.

Just remember..... Mz Collin 2009 has left the building. Mz Collin 2019 is center stage.

You had her, at her best. No one else can say that


----------



## Rubix Cubed

collin8550 said:


> But marrying the POS seems worse. I guess because if it's successful, that pretty much justifies her affair and all the damage done to me and the kids.


 Man, you are so wrong about this. NOTHING justifies her affair.
That's like saying if a bank robber breaks out of jail, it justifies the bank robbery.
Be secure in the fact that nothing justifies her cheating and that for their entire (likely very short) life together they'll be thinking in the back of their minds " Well, they cheated with me. What will keep them from cheating on me?" Your EXs jealous AP is in for a world of hellish mental anguish. So sit back and smile.


----------



## honcho

collin8550 said:


> I think it prob will bother me. Especially if it goes the opposite of how I predict, and they turn out super happy and the kids stop wanting to come to my house because they have so much fun with exww and POS. And if exww ends up with some kind of super high paying job.
> I'm often pessimistic about things, though I keep it to myself and try to be optimistic.
> 
> But, I don't think I would care if exww met a normal guy that was nice and friendly and good to the kids. I may would actually be friendly with him. But marrying the POS seems worse. I guess because if it's successful, that pretty much justifies her affair and all the damage done to me and the kids.
> 
> The positive though, is that the more I get bothered or sad, the more motivated I am to exercise and better myself and to be a better father.


I only know one marriage that started as an affair that lasted any amount of time and while they are still together it's far from a happy fairy tale and much more a feel of they are just stuck with each other. I wouldn't lose much sleep wondering how happy the lovebirds will be in the future.


----------



## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> I think it prob will bother me. Especially if it goes the opposite of how I predict, and they turn out super happy and the kids stop wanting to come to my house because they have so much fun with exww and POS. And if exww ends up with some kind of super high paying job.
> I'm often pessimistic about things, though I keep it to myself and try to be optimistic.
> 
> But, I don't think I would care if exww met a normal guy that was nice and friendly and good to the kids. I may would actually be friendly with him. But marrying the POS seems worse. I guess because if it's successful, that pretty much justifies her affair and all the damage done to me and the kids.
> 
> The positive though, is that the more I get bothered or sad, the more motivated I am to exercise and better myself and to be a better father.


It's not going to be successful. People like you wife are not capable of making deep relationships, that takes introspection and being deep enough to have them. Could she have money? Maybe, but that doesn't make you happy except for a short time. 

Your ex-wife is broken. You are actually lucky she's gone. 

Now stop worrying so much about her and the past and start putting the same energy into your future.


----------



## Chuck71

honcho said:


> I only know one marriage that started as an affair that lasted any amount of time and while they are still together it's far from a happy fairy tale and much more a feel of they are just stuck with each other. I wouldn't lose much sleep wondering how happy the lovebirds will be in the future.


To echo honch's statement, way back in the days of AOL... I was chatting with a female. She lived

in an area of FL I was considering re-locating to. We began to talk and realized we were about to go

somewhere "where we shouldn't." But we had deep chats.... she told me of her XH, who left her and 

two kids for a girl, who....left her H and kids, for him. They always fought, said other was cheating

(shocker huh), and were miserable. I think she said they made it eight years. Eight hard years.

But that's what cheaters get, and deservedly so. Her XH virtually dismissed the kids.

Today, his D is M, has kids and has zero to do with him. Karma..... at it's finest


----------



## sokillme

You should stop worrying about her. That part of your life is over. But your life isn't.


----------



## Marc878

She's toxic as hell. Just look at the bight side and be glad you're out of that mess. You can't think of two things at a time so concentrate on you.


----------



## jsmart

collin8550 said:


> I remember finding out later, that during the affair, exww would feel guilty and try to cut POS off (and remain best friends of course) and focus on her marriage and family. I've seen old texts where POS would get jealous and mope around and try to guilt and manipulate her back into the affair. So I imagine he is going to be miserable while they are married and Everytime she has to talk to me about the kids or sees me at a function for the kids, and they will fight over that.
> 
> Today has been the best I've felt since hearing of the marriage coming up. My exercise and diet is still going good and I'm already making good progress.
> 
> I was also thinking, about how the past year or so that *exww hasn't been bothering me much and has actually seemed to be turning into a halfway decent mother. Right around that time is when we adjusted our custody schedule (at my request) to fit my new job. So instead of having a week at a time with the kids, exww has been having them only 2 or 3 days and then I would have them 2 or 3 days. So right when she is getting sick of them after 2 days, it would be my turn to take them. But now for the next month I have to work everyday straight. So we will go back to 1 week of custody at a time and I will just see them in the evenings at my mom's house. So that could be part of why she is reverting back to angry mom, since she won't get a break from the kids for 5 more days*.


What is this with her being tired of her own kids? What kind of mother would tire of her own kids after a week? The kind that is with her new man and is pre-occupied with keeping him happy. The kids of her old man are now low priority.

Go read the threads of WWs on LS. See how little their kids matter to them. They even admit to feeling guilty for being emotionally absent with their kids. Yet they would jump at the chance to bust up their families if their MM was willing to do the same. But since most WH don't want to go there, they stay married to their poor BH who has no clue why everything he tries to save the marriage doesn't work.


----------



## jsmart

collin8550 said:


> Forgot to say, *the youngest child may have actually been 2 when she started whoring* around. I remember towards the end, *she would come home from work late after not seeing the babies since early that morning, and walk past is without saying hello or even looking at the kids, and go straight to take a bath for an hour or so. *That used to make me hate her more than anything. But being naive, I thought it was post partum depression or something of that nature because I was certain she could never cheat.



That the issue with situations like that. You're trying to be an understanding supportive partner, while the whole time she's stabbing
you in the back and throwing the kids stable home life away. 

Imagine a little 2 year old, that hasn't seen mommy all day. They would be so excited to see mommy to only have her coldly walk right by them to take an hour long bath must have been confusing for them. That was in the beginning of their "relationship" when she's feeling all of these butterflies and exciting hot sex would have been taking place often. Pretty f'd when you think back on it.


----------



## jsmart

collin8550 said:


> I think *it prob will bother me. Especially if it goes the opposite of how I predict, and they turn out super happy and the kids stop wanting to come to my house because they have so much fun with exww and POS. And if exww ends up with some kind of super high paying job.*
> I'm often pessimistic about things, though I keep it to myself and try to be optimistic.
> 
> But, I don't think I would care if exww met a normal guy that was nice and friendly and good to the kids. I may would actually be friendly with him. But marrying the POS seems worse. I guess because if it's successful, that pretty much justifies her affair and all the damage done to me and the kids.
> 
> The positive though, is that *the more I get bothered or sad, the more motivated I am to exercise and better myself and to be a better father*.


You just continue to level up and things will work out fine. Work on yourself across the board. Mind, body, and soul. Start reading books fill your mind with positive roll models of men with honor and courage. Don't want to come across as preachy but prayer, sincere and from the heart, can positively help. When I had my dark time, Jesus was my rock but whatever your belief, delving deeper can be enriching, and lastly what you've already begun, physical activity, has tremendous benefits. Work to strengthen yourself in all areas and you will reap a richer life that will be a blessing to your kids and any future Ms Collin.

As for your kids, though they are young they have eyes to perceive and judge things. I'm sure your 8 year old probably has developed the ability to see through BS. She can see that it was mommy who brought another man into their lives and how much attention she gives him. She can see that daddy's alone and focused on them. Those things are not forgotten. 

There will come a time when they're older that they will wonder why they didn't grow up in an intact family and will delve deep for answers. When they finally get the truth, of how their mother wrecked their family and how daddy was the one who fought to keep things together, fighting injustice after injustice to finally have to give up after their mother ran off, their opinion of mommy will really be formed. It will be when your ex is older, and wants to have a life with them and their future kids, that she will curse herself for what she wrought.

So no, this POS can offer them toys and trips to wonderful places and your wife could become a millionaire entrepreneur and she couldn't undo what she's done. Even if daddy continues at a mediocre job and can't provide more stuff, it was him, who stood in the gap, when the storm came. He sheltered his girls as best he could.


----------



## collin8550

That's what was always weird to me, that during the beginnings of the affair, POS actually left his wife and was wanting exww to join him, but she kept stalling and refusing and of course that made him more mad. She goes through phases where she cares for the kids a little and then back to being aggravated with them. 

And I have turned more to Jesus lately. I've always been a Christian, but my faith always gets stronger when I am going through bad times.


----------



## collin8550

By the way, what is LS, so I can read the threads there?


----------



## Rubix Cubed

collin8550 said:


> By the way, what is LS, so I can read the threads there?


Loveshack. I'm not sure I'd waste my time if I was you.


----------



## jsmart

collin8550 said:


> That's what was always weird to me, that during the beginnings of the affair, POS actually left his wife and was wanting exww to join him, but she kept stalling and refusing and of course that made him more mad. She goes through phases where she cares for the kids a little and then back to being aggravated with them.
> 
> And I have turned more to Jesus lately. I've always been a Christian, but my faith always gets stronger when I am going through bad times.


So POS is a dual home wrecker? He keeps getting better and better. Have you spoke to his Ex to find out what their breakup was all about? She may have answers to what went down with your ex . 

It's usually women affair partners that want to leave the marriage. The men will usually future fake them to keep the wanton sex coming but rarely do they follow through with their lies. The men that do leave, are usually leaving a cold wife and are using the affair partner to cowardly monkey branch to a new woman to avoid being alone or the affair partner is of a much higher sex rank than their ex. 

You want to get a good dig at POS and your Ex. Find his ex and get to "know" her. She too may love to get a dig at your ex. Imagine you dropping off your kids with POS' ex waiting in car. OMG, talk about ripping into his heart.


----------



## collin8550

Yeah POS and his ex were already having trouble when he left. I think she had a revenge affair after POS first affair, so he used exww as a crutch to help get away from that. But I haven't verified that. That could be a lie coming from POS to help justify his 2nd affair. Also, I suppose exww is a little better than POS ex maybe. Exww is 8 years younger, but their looks are pretty much equal. Other than that, POS ex seems like a better woman and better mother.

I have spoken to POS ex. I exposed the affair to her originally and we talked occasionally and I learned a lot about POS and exww from her. I had sent her some screen shots of exww begging me to come home after the separation and try to fix the marriage. She asked if she could show that to POS, but I told her no at the time because we were still working on custody for the kids and I didn't want to jeopardize that. But I haven't talked to POS ex in about 6 months or more. I did see a couple days ago on Facebook that she took a picture with some guy that looked like a boyfriend, but her status still says single. Maybe that was the catalyst making POS want to get married, to get back at his ex since she is dating? I don't know though. 

Maybe I will talk to her this evening. But I did think about dating her before or at least working together to get the ex's mad, but she is 3 years older than me and I don't want to get feelings for her and then still have to deal with POS even more.


----------



## Marc878

^^^^ yep you're out of that mess so stay out. Your path should be forward


----------



## jsmart

collin8550 said:


> Yeah POS and his ex were already having trouble when he left. I think she had a revenge affair after POS first affair, so he used exww as a crutch to help get away from that. But I haven't verified that. That could be a lie coming from POS to help justify his 2nd affair. Also, I suppose exww is a little better than POS ex maybe. Exww is 8 years younger, but their looks are pretty much equal. Other than that, POS ex seems like a better woman and better mother.
> 
> I have spoken to POS ex. I exposed the affair to her originally and we talked occasionally and I learned a lot about POS and exww from her. I had sent her some screen shots of exww begging me to come home after the separation and try to fix the marriage. She asked if she could show that to POS, but I told her no at the time because we were still working on custody for the kids and I didn't want to jeopardize that. But I haven't talked to POS ex in about 6 months or more. I did see a couple days ago on Facebook that she took a picture with some guy that looked like a boyfriend, but her status still says single. Maybe that was the catalyst making POS want to get married, to get back at his ex since she is dating? I don't know though.
> 
> Maybe I will talk to her this evening. But I did think about dating her before or at least working together to get the ex's mad, but she is 3 years older than me and I don't want to get feelings for her and then still have to deal with POS even more.


Well, since POS' ex appears to have a boyfriend, then maybe that ship has sailed but if not, that would be a fantastic way to strike back at him. Even though he won by getting your younger wife, it will still hurt him DEEPLY.

But since you said she's older than you, it may not really affect your ex much. To get at her, she needs to see you with a younger, hotter woman. one that she sees you're really in love with and who you can have a child with.
That's will be the stake through the heart. But by the time that happens, you won't give a F what she feels because you'll be totally detached.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Yeah POS and his ex were already having trouble when he left. I think she had a revenge affair after POS first affair, so he used exww as a crutch to help get away from that. But I haven't verified that. That could be a lie coming from POS to help justify his 2nd affair. Also, I suppose exww is a little better than POS ex maybe. Exww is 8 years younger, but their looks are pretty much equal. Other than that, POS ex seems like a better woman and better mother.
> 
> I have spoken to POS ex. I exposed the affair to her originally and we talked occasionally and I learned a lot about POS and exww from her. I had sent her some screen shots of exww begging me to come home after the separation and try to fix the marriage. She asked if she could show that to POS, but I told her no at the time because we were still working on custody for the kids and I didn't want to jeopardize that. But I haven't talked to POS ex in about 6 months or more. I did see a couple days ago on Facebook that she took a picture with some guy that looked like a boyfriend, but her status still says single. Maybe that was the catalyst making POS want to get married, to get back at his ex since she is dating? I don't know though.
> 
> Maybe I will talk to her this evening. But I did think about dating her before or at least working together to get the ex's mad, but she is 3 years older than me and I don't want to get feelings for her and then still have to deal with POS even more.


Rule #1-Live your life to the fullest and to hell with your WW and POSOM

Rule #2-Anytime you can jab, go for it...... but be ready for ANY response


----------



## collin8550

So I called POS's ex to talk to her. Didn't realize it had been almost a year to the day since I spoke to her last. 

Anyway, she said she is engaged. And the funny part is, right after she got engaged, a few days later is when exww and POS got engaged. I wonder if the 2 engagements are related?

She also said that POS moved back in with his mom several months ago, and couldn't afford the trailer any longer. She said he never has any money.

So I guess part of the engagement for him is to make his ex mad and also to move out of his mom's house.

Also, he has 3 of the kids living with him. 21 year old, 15 and 10 or so. So it sounds like there will be 7 people living in exww's cramped house. And she said exww will have to bring POS youngest daughter to school in the mornings, which is out of her way to work. And it's a different School than my kids go to.


----------



## notmyjamie

jsmart said:


> Well, since POS' ex appears to have a boyfriend, then maybe that ship has sailed but if not, that would be a fantastic way to strike back at him. Even though he won by getting your younger wife, it will still hurt him DEEPLY.


I'm not sure ending up with a woman you'll always have to wonder if she's cheating or wants back with her ex is something I'd classify as "winning" no matter how attractive she may be. He is a loser in so many different ways I'm losing count.


----------



## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> So I called POS's ex to talk to her. Didn't realize it had been almost a year to the day since I spoke to her last.
> 
> Anyway, she said she is engaged. And the funny part is, right after she got engaged, a few days later is when exww and POS got engaged. I wonder if the 2 engagements are related?
> 
> She also said that POS moved back in with his mom several months ago, and couldn't afford the trailer any longer. She said he never has any money.
> 
> So I guess part of the engagement for him is to make his ex mad and also to move out of his mom's house.
> 
> Also, he has 3 of the kids living with him. 21 year old, 15 and 10 or so. So it sounds like there will be 7 people living in exww's cramped house. And she said exww will have to bring POS youngest daughter to school in the mornings, which is out of her way to work. And it's a different School than my kids go to.


I was going to write sit back and watch her crash and burn but I guess it's already there. Seriously what a great life she has set up for herself.


----------



## honcho

collin8550 said:


> So I called POS's ex to talk to her. Didn't realize it had been almost a year to the day since I spoke to her last.
> 
> Anyway, she said she is engaged. And the funny part is, right after she got engaged, a few days later is when exww and POS got engaged. I wonder if the 2 engagements are related?
> 
> She also said that POS moved back in with his mom several months ago, and couldn't afford the trailer any longer. She said he never has any money.
> 
> So I guess part of the engagement for him is to make his ex mad and also to move out of his mom's house.
> 
> Also, he has 3 of the kids living with him. 21 year old, 15 and 10 or so. So it sounds like there will be 7 people living in exww's cramped house. And she said exww will have to bring POS youngest daughter to school in the mornings, which is out of her way to work. And it's a different School than my kids go to.


This has happily ever after written all over it.......


----------



## Rubix Cubed

honcho said:


> This has happily ever after written all over it.......


 Crappily ever after ...


----------



## Chuck71

honcho said:


> This has happily ever after written all over it.......


Their set-up reminds me of an old 70s sitcom, The Dysfunctional Bunch. They're reality-show worthy.

All they need to do is sublet the basement to Tweety Bird and Window Cork.

Then MTV would pick up the series...


----------



## collin8550

Exww texted asking for money for the kids' summer camp, but she still owed me for some of their medical bills, so I told her to subtract it from that. 
Now today she texted a bunch saying she isn't trying to be a b**** about the money and if she is coming across that way, that's not her intention. I told her that I will pay half of the kids stuff when they have expenses, but the rest of her money troubles are not my concern. 

Then she was complaining about me telling her yesterday to deduct the money from her debt to me, because she said she can't afford all that at once like I can. She said it's not nice for me to "throw it in her face" about owing me money. But then she kind of started trying to act civil and normal, so I said "I didn't throw anything in your face when I had to pay for paternity tests and STD tests and lawyer fees."
She sent back a bunch of stuff about how those tests and lawyer fees don't count because that is something I wanted to get, and I should have just believed her that the kids were mine LOL. And she also said she isn't going to try to help remind me of the kids events upcoming and stuff like that anymore.


----------



## skerzoid

And the saga continues.


----------



## Marc878

It's just a business transaction now. This won't get better. 

You may have to decide whether you limit the kids activities because she's broke or pay it yourself. If you can't afford it then there isn't much choice.


----------



## jlg07

One thing --don't pay HER the money. Pay whatever it is directly so you know that it went for the kids and not anything else.


----------



## collin8550

It's funny because she has already texted to remind me of the kids camp schedule, after saying 2 hours earlier that she was done reminding me of their stuff. She's crazy I think. No one goes from angry to normal that fast.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> It's funny because she has already texted to remind me of the kids camp schedule, after saying 2 hours earlier that she was done reminding me of their stuff. She's crazy I think. *No one goes from angry to normal that fast.*


Oh hell yes they do, when it "suits them." Still...... and this is not the 1st time I have said this....

"Her $ is her $ and your $ is still......her $." She cheated, wanted out, you gave this to her..... NOW

she don't like it. That is ZE-FREAKING-RO of your concern. Many times WW set up summer camps on

their XHs scheduled time and expect HIM to pay for it. Oh hells ass no. If you owed her $, she would bring it up

every 8th hour. But if she owed you $, how damn dare you even say that. Get the picture?

-Ms XWCollin, you can cover these costs due to you owing me in past transactions. This is fact and not up

for debate. If you want to anger dump, try your next H."


----------



## jsmart

She's reminding you because she wants you to pay for the camp. There new relationship is probably going to be pressed for cash. Doesn't POS have kids of his own that he has to pay child support for?

Even if he doesn't already have kids, a lot of guys that get with a woman with kids, don't like to spend their money on those kids. So it could be POS pushing your ex to chase you down for the money.

Just because she got with a guy that doesn't want to spend his money on her kids, doesn't mean she gets to hit you up for additional money. Make sure you don't continue to be the ATM.

PS: I had to laugh at her comment that you should have believed her concerning the STD and DNA.


----------



## Chuck71

jsmart said:


> She's reminding you because she wants you to pay for the camp. There new relationship is probably going to be pressed for cash. Doesn't POS have kids of his own that he has to pay child support for?
> 
> Even if he doesn't already have kids, a lot of guys that get with a woman with kids, don't like to spend their money on those kids. So it could be POS pushing your ex to chase you down for the money.
> 
> Just because she got with a guy that doesn't want to spend his money on her kids, doesn't mean she gets to hit you up for additional money. Make sure you don't continue to be the ATM.
> 
> PS: I had to laugh at her comment that you should have believed her concerning the STD and DNA.


POSOM already has one BS to pay...... he damn sure don't want another. The secret sex was "like so amazing,"

but now it's real. Not fun. More like work. They wanted to be together....now they are.

Just wasn't what they signed up for...... Shocker huh LOL #becarefulwhatyouwishfor


----------



## frusdil

jsmart said:


> Even though he won by getting your younger wife, it will still hurt him DEEPLY.


POSOM ended up with a cheating skank, homewrecking *****...he hardly won. Sucked in I say! 

OP - even IF they do get married, and that's a big if, the chances of it lasting are less than 5%. Once the honeymoon's over and reality sets in everything changes..."ooh it's 7pm...he's late home...where is he/who's he with/what's he doing"...on both sides because they're both lying, cheating, skanks.


----------



## honcho

collin8550 said:


> Exww texted asking for money for the kids' summer camp, but she still owed me for some of their medical bills, so I told her to subtract it from that.
> Now today she texted a bunch saying she isn't trying to be a b**** about the money and if she is coming across that way, that's not her intention. I told her that I will pay half of the kids stuff when they have expenses, but the rest of her money troubles are not my concern.
> 
> Then she was complaining about me telling her yesterday to deduct the money from her debt to me, because she said she can't afford all that at once like I can. She said it's not nice for me to "throw it in her face" about owing me money. But then she kind of started trying to act civil and normal, so I said "I didn't throw anything in your face when I had to pay for paternity tests and STD tests and lawyer fees."
> She sent back a bunch of stuff about how those tests and lawyer fees don't count because that is something I wanted to get, and I should have just believed her that the kids were mine LOL. And she also said she isn't going to try to help remind me of the kids events upcoming and stuff like that anymore.


My brother ex would constantly be hunting for cash using the half expenses angle and listened to more than one tirade about how "unfair" he was and how he could afford it and she couldn't. My brother is much more cold hearted and his response was almost always that she should learn how to hook a guy who has a job instead of finding yet another unemployed soul mate to shack up with......


----------



## collin8550

Yesterday evening I went to pick up the kids from exww house , and POS vehicle was parked there. That was the first time he had ever been there while I was supposed to be coming. Exww was in the yard with the kids trying to rush them into my car. So I asked where POS was and she said none of my business. So I went and opened the door to the house and he was sitting on the couch. I told him that if I hear anything else about him licking my kids (look at the post around 1 year ago if you forgot all of that) or if he touches them we are going to have a problem. 
So he comes outside and I says that thats not true and I said that he is calling either me or the kid a liar, and he kind of didn't know what to say and was acting like he was scared to death. By then exww came and stood between us and said I needed to leave, a and I kind of started at them about 5 seconds and smirked and walked off.

So of course I got a bunch of texts from exww last night complaining and I told her that if I hear any more complaingg from the kids about him yelling at them or licking them or touching him that I will be right back to put a stop to it. She said Im just mad at POS because the affair. And I said no, I'm glad because my life is 100% better now. She complained some more and I told her I wasn't arguing anymore.

Then today she sent a bunch of mean texts threatening to bring me to court to keep the kids from me (she has said that 100 times before) and complaining that I never cared for her when we were married. And that my life is only better because I improved due to her affair. I told her to leave me alone and she got more mad and said they are going to get married next week now instead of at the end of the year or whenever it is actually planned. I started to say that basically she is threatening to marry a coward POS and destroy her life just to spite me. But I just ignored it. She was also mad because the kids told her I had a date tonight, because she brought that up.

But it felt good to confront POS and see him scared to death and acting like a little baby. The first time I tried to confront him way back after dday, he hid from me and sent his sister out to say he wasn't there, but I saw him when I pulled up the driveway. But it was very hard not to physically assault him this time. I came close and almost lost control. 

But I feel pretty good now that I got all that out my system.


----------



## Marc878

Ok now leave it alone. You are giving her attention whether you realize it or not.

Go back to limited contact. If you want to move on beyond this mess.

If not you'll just stay wrapped up in it.


----------



## Chuck71

frusdil said:


> POSOM ended up with a cheating skank, homewrecking *****...he hardly won. Sucked in I say!
> 
> OP - even IF they do get married, and that's a big if, the chances of it lasting are less than 5%. Once the honeymoon's over and reality sets in everything changes..."ooh it's 7pm...he's late home...where is he/who's he with/what's he doing"...on both sides because they're both lying, cheating, skanks.


And to beat it all..... she would take Collin back in a millisecond.... today, tomorrow, next week, next month.

Talk about a cheater "settling" LMFAO


----------



## Chuck71

honcho said:


> My brother ex would constantly be hunting for cash using the half expenses angle and listened to more than one tirade about how "unfair" he was and how he could afford it and she couldn't. My brother is much more cold hearted and his response was almost always that she should learn how to hook a guy who has a job instead of finding yet another unemployed soul mate to shack up with......


So love DON'T pay the rent????? Bon Jovi lied to me 30 years ago....


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Yesterday evening I went to pick up the kids from exww house , and POS vehicle was parked there. That was the first time he had ever been there while I was supposed to be coming. Exww was in the yard with the kids trying to rush them into my car. So I asked where POS was and she said none of my business. So I went and opened the door to the house and he was sitting on the couch. I told him that if I hear anything else about him licking my kids (look at the post around 1 year ago if you forgot all of that) or if he touches them we are going to have a problem.
> So he comes outside and I says that thats not true and I said that he is calling either me or the kid a liar, and he kind of didn't know what to say and was acting like he was scared to death. By then exww came and stood between us and said I needed to leave, a and I kind of started at them about 5 seconds and smirked and walked off.
> 
> So of course I got a bunch of texts from exww last night complaining and I told her that if I hear any more complaingg from the kids about him yelling at them or licking them or touching him that I will be right back to put a stop to it. She said Im just mad at POS because the affair. And I said no, I'm glad because my life is 100% better now. She complained some more and I told her I wasn't arguing anymore.
> 
> Then today she sent a bunch of mean texts threatening to bring me to court to keep the kids from me (she has said that 100 times before) and complaining that I never cared for her when we were married. And that my life is only better because I improved due to her affair. I told her to leave me alone and she got more mad and said they are going to get married next week now instead of at the end of the year or whenever it is actually planned. I started to say that basically she is threatening to marry a coward POS and destroy her life just to spite me. But I just ignored it. She was also mad because the kids told her I had a date tonight, because she brought that up.
> 
> But it felt good to confront POS and see him scared to death and acting like a little baby. The first time I tried to confront him way back after dday, he hid from me and sent his sister out to say he wasn't there, but I saw him when I pulled up the driveway. But it was very hard not to physically assault him this time. I came close and almost lost control.
> 
> But I feel pretty good now that I got all that out my system.


She is mad you don't fall for her BS..... and makes empty threats based off of...... what makes HER

mad. She is talking to hear her ass roar, trust me. Now she will M him sooner to "punish you"....

that's what a 16 y/o would say and do. The next time this happy-ass yells at your children or

licks them (WHY?), involve the authorities. Don't go punch his lights out.....that's kinda what she

wants. For you to be temp in jail and she gets the kids. Then you pay CS out the wazoo and she will

bargain with you to drop charges if you take her back. Ah...Chuck you's crazy.... 

Well your XWW is BSC. Collin..... I'm glad you admitted it will bother you a bit, she is getting M.

As others have said, ain't gonna last. I still see him bolting. But XWW is zero, zilch, nada now

of who she was at one time. You are losing out on nothing. If you just met her, would you date her?

With her track history? 99% sure you'd say hells to the no. You had her when she was amazing.

No other guy can say that.....now she is virtually trash. All which started from a cheap, hormone-induced 

mistake. Let her live with that mistake..... you go on being Collin 2.0, the hot, new bad ass.

Think of it like this....XWW was like an employee on their 1st day of work, when she met POSOM.

Doing everything, all the little things, giving 110%. FF a year later and more often than not, the

employee half-asses things, takes no pride in their work, passes the buck, etc. THAT is what POSOM is getting.

I'd send the poor guy a sympathy card after they wed.


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## collin8550

Haha Thanks for the comments. Yeah I'm over it all now. And you are right Chuck, if I met her for the first time now, I would never date her.
I feel like I set the tone where if he does do anything to the kids or try to fuss at them or spank them, he will think twice about it and the kids will tell me.


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## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Haha Thanks for the comments. Yeah I'm over it all now. And you are right Chuck, if I met her for the first time now, I would never date her.
> I feel like I set the tone where if he does do anything to the kids or try to fuss at them or spank them, he will think twice about it and the kids will tell me.


Yelling at them, spanking them...is NOT in their job description. That is YOUR job, and EWW's.

POSOM just signed up for the XWW, not the kids

PS-Continue to fly..... Pink Floyd style


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## collin8550

Just checking in, it's been a while. Today is exww and pos wedding day. So that's probably what brought me here. I'm a little sad, just because it brings up all the old thoughts of the affair. But other than today, I haven't thought of any of this stuff in a long time. 

Anyway, I've been dating this great girl for about 5 months or so now. We've talked about getting married and maybe having another kid. Everything is great, but I feel like I'm always trying to catch her in a lie. I guess because of the trauma from the affair. She seems to think I'm the greatest man to ever live , besides Jesus, but I feel like I still can't trust completely and worry she is lying.

I' don't worry about her cheating, since she doesn't have male friends and doesn't go out with friends or anything like that. And she shares all of my same views on marriage and divorce and infidelity. But I can't help but worry that she lies. 

I would imagine this is fairly common after infidelity, or am I just crazy?


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## cp3o

collin8550 said:


> ......But I can't help but worry that she lies.
> 
> I would imagine this is fairly common after infidelity, or am I just crazy?


Why would you think that the two are mutually exclusive>

Speaking from my own experience, your concern is, I suspect, shared with most BS. 

Infidelity - the gift that keeps on giving.


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## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> Just checking in, it's been a while. Today is exww and pos wedding day. So that's probably what brought me here. I'm a little sad, just because it brings up all the old thoughts of the affair. But other than today, I haven't thought of any of this stuff in a long time.
> 
> Anyway, I've been dating this great girl for about 5 months or so now. We've talked about getting married and maybe having another kid. Everything is great, but I feel like I'm always trying to catch her in a lie. I guess because of the trauma from the affair. She seems to think I'm the greatest man to ever live , besides Jesus, but I feel like I still can't trust completely and worry she is lying.
> 
> I' don't worry about her cheating, since she doesn't have male friends and doesn't go out with friends or anything like that. And she shares all of my same views on marriage and divorce and infidelity. But I can't help but worry that she lies.
> 
> I would imagine this is fairly common after infidelity, or am I just crazy?


Dude you are not the first. Everyone gets cheated on every once in a while. That's life. Sounds like you got a good thing going with this new women, why not put your effort into her. Stop worrying about a "bag of garbage".


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## Adelais

Take your time, @collin8550, and don't get in a hurry with your girlfriend. Time will prove whether she is a worthy/faithful match or not.

Have you been to counseling?


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## Mr.Married

Adelais said:


> Take your time, @collin8550, and don't get in a hurry with your girlfriend. Time will prove whether she is a worthy/faithful match or not.
> 
> Have you been to counseling?



:iagree:


As above .... no need to hurry. She will prove in her own time her good self worth and trust-ability. I've never been cheated on that I know about, but
I would very likely guess that most people in your position have difficulties trusting again after being burned. I sure that is normal.

BUT !!!!!!!!! .......... Just because it is normal doesn't mean you get to berate your new girl over and over to provide proof of everything she says. The issue
is for you to solve within yourself ......


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## collin8550

I've been to counseling a couple years ago. Only about 2 sessions but I didn't like the counselor and never found a new one.

I don't berate my girlfriend, but I do obsess over things in my mind, especially if she does or says something that has anything in common with exww. I immediately start thinking,"oh well, I guess she will be a cheater like exww".


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## MattMatt

collin8550 said:


> I've been to counseling a couple years ago. Only about 2 sessions but I didn't like the counselor and never found a new one.
> 
> I don't berate my girlfriend, but I do obsess over things in my mind, especially if she does or says something that has anything in common with exww. I immediately start thinking,"oh well, I guess she will be a cheater like exww".


Take it slow, and get back into counselling again. Hopefully you'll find a better one this time.


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## syhoybenden

Don't let paranoia run your life.

You are still damaged. You have not yet healed.

Does your new friend know that? If not please let her know.

Let her know that this is why you want to take things slow. It's only fair.

You have had to deal with unfair. You don't want to put anyone else through that, do you?

Go ahead and take it slow.

Slow and steady wins the race.


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## alte Dame

Five months is not a long time. You have plenty of time to learn to trust her - or not. I would try to let things develop organically and not worry about the future at this point.


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## TDSC60

Once burned - twice shy.

It takes time for trust to return. But you are still not trusting your own instincts. If not in IC, get one.

Comparing your GF to EX is not unexpected, but jumping to "she is cheating" because of a random comment and without any evidence at all is a little overboard.

If you see a possible future with this girl, talk to her about your feelings.


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## Chuck71

Collin.....most people are guarded after going through an A. Tell her that. You're gun shy but do not

make her suffer from what your EWW did. With time you can easily tell when something is off.

Spring will make it three years with my 5th love. Often I am aware something is bothering her 

before she brings it to my attention. Your g/f is not like your EWW at all...or you would not be dating her.

I'm guessing your g/f has kids and is D. Did she go through infidelity as well? She may be guarded

as well. If a couple has transparency it is the best safeguard. As is communication. When communication

breaks down, one or both begin shutting down. That's when the trouble begins...


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## Chuck71

Collin...... how's life been with you?


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