# How long does reconciliation take?



## Bronco00

My wife moved out a little over a year ago. We have seen each other off and on over the last year. This past month she decided to work on our marriage. About 4 months after she moved out she had an affair for 3 to 4 months. It is over now. I am pretty sure this was not the reason she moved out. She says she didn't feel valued in the marriage and that I took her for granite. I have never wanted a divorce and I want to be with her. Like I mentioned she decided this month to work on the marriage. When we go out everything is fine and we get along just like we used to. I have asked her to spend some days together instead of hours together but she hasn't. What would be appropriate time frame for me to say we need to take the next step and we need to live together again to see how things go?


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## Adelais

What were her reasons for moving out?

What are her reasons for wanting to work on the marriage now?

Is she in counseling? Are you?

Perhaps the two of you should have counseling, individual and marriage (meaning together) counseling to figure out what the problems were and if they have been addressed/corrected before you decide to recommit to her. She left, now she wants to get back together. I understand that you didn't want to end the marriage in the first place, but if the reasons she decided to leave aren't fixed, you are just opening yourself up to being deserted again by her the next time she decides to call it quits.


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## ConanHub

You aren't in reconciliation.

She left and decided fvcking another man while still married to you was a good idea.

How did you find out?

How has she shown remorse?

Who was it?

I think you should date someone else for 4 months and get back to her on the subject.

Sheesh!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre*

lol You are so blunt sometimes, Conan.  I was with you until that second to last sentence.


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## Marc878

What's the plan? She moving back into the home?

Was it her idea to reconcile? If so how did that happen?

Do you have MC lined up?

You don't seem to have many specifics and seem very vague.

A true reconciliation with two working together could take 2 to 5 years.


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## ConanHub

*Deidre* said:


> lol You are so blunt sometimes, Conan.  I was with you until that second to last sentence.


That sentence was frustrated sarcasm.

This situation is ridiculous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH

The short answer is 3x the length of time where they were not really emotionally invested (checked-out) with the marriage, whether thru affairs or non-caring.


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## thread the needle

ConanHub said:


> That sentence was frustrated sarcasm.
> 
> This situation is ridiculous.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


New members first post at a different place in his process than you. 

Compassion would have been helpful. Help is the point of TAM remember? 

Turning new members into punching bags that come here seeking help and support isn't cool. 

Whatever your problem is, I hope you figured it out before you unleash the unhelpful mean spirited crap on the next new person that comes in here hurting and seeking support and insight delivered with kindness and patience

Two thumbs down. Some get too comfortable here and forget the point of being here. 

It isn't take cheap shots at the vulnerable. Go kick puppies somewhere else maybe or join a boxing league and beat someone up that wants to fight with you.

To OP, the timing of reconciliation varies with the values activities and milestones achieved. There are no dependable rules other than it depends on all the variables. At this point I don't think she is ready for what you want but you appear to need to work on yourself any way. Good luck


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## ConanHub

thread the needle said:


> New members first post at a different place in his process than you.
> 
> Compassion would have been helpful. Help is the point of TAM remember?
> 
> Turning new members into punching bags that come here seeking help and support isn't cool.
> 
> Whatever your problem is, I hope you figured it out before you unleash the unhelpful mean spirited crap on the next new person that comes in here hurting and seeking support and insight delivered with kindness and patience
> 
> Two thumbs down. Some get too comfortable here and forget the point of being here.
> 
> It isn't take cheap shots at the vulnerable. Go kick puppies somewhere else maybe or join a boxing league and beat someone up that wants to fight with you.
> 
> To OP, the timing of reconciliation varies with the values activities and milestones achieved. There are no dependable rules other than it depends on all the variables. At this point I don't think she is ready for what you want but you appear to need to work on yourself any way. Good luck


I actually punch hamsters.

OP.

Your situation is ridiculous thus my frustration.

You are aiming too low and don't think highly enough of yourself.

My advice is to let her go. You do not have a healthy individual self image and no self respect.

She is definitely not in a position to reconcile. She left to play and is still playing with you.

She should not have taken vows and then decided to play games with your life.

Please look up the 180 and start doing it. Tell her to grow up and get help, IC, before approaching you again and that doesn't include screwing other people!

You should probably at least have divorce papers drawn up and have her served.

The process can be called off if she stops playing games gets serious about being a grownup, married woman!

You need to establish firm and healthy boundaries for yourself and stop putting up with her selfish and childish behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thread the needle

ConanHub said:


> I actually punch hamsters.]


Don't quit your day job. Comedy isn't working



ConanHub said:


> You are aiming too low and don't think highly enough of yourself.
> 
> My advice is to let her go. You do not have a healthy individual self image and no self respect.
> 
> She is definitely not in a position to reconcile. She left to play and is still playing with you.
> 
> She should not have taken vows and then decided to play games with your life.
> 
> Please look up the 180 and start doing it. Tell her to grow up and get help, IC, before approaching you again and that doesn't include screwing other people!
> 
> You should probably at least have divorce papers drawn up and have her served.
> 
> The process can be called off if she stops playing games gets serious about being a grownup, married woman!
> 
> You need to establish firm and healthy boundaries for yourself and stop putting up with her selfish and childish behavior


Solid advice above OP, except it isn't helpful to call your situation with a low self-esteem crises "ridiculous". 

Things occur in this order 

1. Betrayal
2. Betrayed spouse takes a self esteem hit causing bad decision and flawed thinking full of false hope and lowering of standards of treatment they will accept
3. Betrayed passes thru each phase of mourning the loss of love
4. Thinking straight and self esteem is restored
5. Good decisions are made

None of it is "ridiculous". It's all a natural common progression. 

Unfortunately part of mourning is anger and some here are still in that stage even if they aren't aware of it.


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## MAJDEATH

*Deidre* said:


> lol You are so blunt sometimes, Conan.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I was with you until that second to last sentence.


ConanHub is like that, he recommends divorce 99% of the time, at the first sign of adversity in a marriage.


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## C3156

I guess I will be blunt too. Your wife moved out a *year* ago. She has no interest in spending any real amount time with you. She has gone out with _at least _one (1) guy (that you know about) and had a torrid affair. I will have to speculate that you have not pursued counseling nor have you tried to understand what she was telling you was missing from your marriage.

What makes you think that your wife is ready to reconcile with you? She said so? You really need to fix the root cause of why she left before you jump back in the marriage.

She dumped you a year ago. The fact that you are still pining away for her makes me agree somewhat with Conan. Personally, I would say show some self respect. Even if you have no plan to follow through, file the divorce papers. Make her realize that you are willing to move on and not just be her fall back guy. And talk with a professional to try and understand why she left in the first place.


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## ConanHub

MAJDEATH said:


> ConanHub is like that, he recommends divorce 99% of the time, at the first sign of adversity in a marriage.


Only in cases like yours. Probably more like 100%
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

thread the needle said:


> Don't quit your day job. Comedy isn't working
> 
> 
> 
> Solid advice above OP, except it isn't helpful to call your situation with a low self-esteem crises "ridiculous".
> 
> Things occur in this order
> 
> 1. Betrayal
> 2. Betrayed spouse takes a self esteem hit causing bad decision and flawed thinking full of false hope and lowering of standards of treatment they will accept
> 3. Betrayed passes thru each phase of mourning the loss of love
> 4. Thinking straight and self esteem is restored
> 5. Good decisions are made
> 
> None of it is "ridiculous". It's all a natural common progression.
> 
> Unfortunately part of mourning is anger and some here are still in that stage even if they aren't aware of it.


Chill out thread. Have enough awareness to realize when someone listened to your advice.

I didn't call OP ridiculous. This situation absolutely is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

*It's indefinite and there is absolutely no timetable!

But even more importantly, there is no measured guarantee of success!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayOne

C3156 said:


> I guess I will be blunt too. Your wife moved out a *year* ago. She has no interest in spending any real amount time with you. She has gone out with _at least _one (1) guy (that you know about) and had a torrid affair. I will have to speculate that you have not pursued counseling nor have you tried to understand what she was telling you was missing from your marriage.
> 
> What makes you think that your wife is ready to reconcile with you? She said so? You really need to fix the root cause of why she left before you jump back in the marriage.
> 
> She dumped you a year ago. The fact that you are still pining away for her makes me agree somewhat with Conan. Personally, I would say show some self respect. Even if you have no plan to follow through, file the divorce papers. Make her realize that you are willing to move on and not just be her fall back guy. And talk with a professional to try and understand why she left in the first place.


This is the closest to what I would advise. 
She gone, OP. You're, at this point, at best, a fall back plan. She'll keep stringing you along, while having fun elsewhere. Because she knows you'll keep hanging around like a love struck puppy.

Man up. File for divorce and move. Unless that is you like being sloppy seconds. 

Conan, while being a d1ck about it, is also on the money. He's just putting it in terms that don't pu$$yfoot around. Which, IMO, you need to hear.


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## Bronco00

Thanks I guess for the advice. Not used to this forum so I am assuming all comments were answering my question. 

Yes I have been to a counselor. She went to one herself but stopped because she didn't like it. 

I thought my post was detailed. A little update. I actually met with a lawyer and had her served about a month and half ago. I heard from her right away when she got served. My goal was to show her I was serious and have her served and if she didn't want to work on it then I would know. Basically an expensive way to get her to talk or move on. She asked if I would withdraw the petition. I didn't do it right away because I was serious that things needed to change and the communication level needed to increase. After a week or so I had the lawyer cancel the petition. At first we did talk a lot more but barely in the last week and half. It is very frustrating and confusing because I have no idea how she feels because she has a difficult time telling me and her lack of communication is why we are still at a stand still. I have tried not contacting her, I had tried everything but she continues to string me along. If she wanted out I gave her that opportunity by filing but she didn't want out so I have no idea what she wants. Actually she probably has no clue what she wants. She said we have made progress but my understanding of the progress is further along then hers. The only way we will know if it will work is talk about why we are at this point and then need to spend a few days together here and there while still living apart and then that will help to decide if we want to continue with the process. The going out for a few hours here and there will not accomplish anything since we already know that works. I just wish she talk to someone.


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## ReturntoZero

Re-file the petition.

She got you to back down. You're plan B.

In case you're wondering, I had a similar experience. My wife said she wanted to work on it, but she implemented a "solution" that was even worse than the original relationship.

Only after a long bruising separation did we find each other.

If you're not up for that - and I'm talking more than 18 months to two years, get it over with and divorce.

If she wants you, she'll find you later.

Then YOU can decide.

Right now, she's holding the cards. She complained about your initiative and you folded.


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## MAJDEATH

Plan on about 3 years for a full R, if all goes well, longer if there are problems along the way.


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## 3Xnocharm

Bronco00 said:


> Thanks I guess for the advice. Not used to this forum so I am assuming all comments were answering my question.
> 
> Yes I have been to a counselor. She went to one herself but stopped because she didn't like it.
> 
> I thought my post was detailed. A little update. I actually met with a lawyer and had her served about a month and half ago. I heard from her right away when she got served. My goal was to show her I was serious and have her served and if she didn't want to work on it then I would know. Basically an expensive way to get her to talk or move on. She asked if I would withdraw the petition. I didn't do it right away because I was serious that things needed to change and the communication level needed to increase. After a week or so I had the lawyer cancel the petition. At first we did talk a lot more but barely in the last week and half. It is very frustrating and confusing because I have no idea how she feels because she has a difficult time telling me and her lack of communication is why we are still at a stand still. I have tried not contacting her, I had tried everything but she continues to string me along. If she wanted out I gave her that opportunity by filing but she didn't want out so I have no idea what she wants. Actually she probably has no clue what she wants. She said we have made progress but my understanding of the progress is further along then hers. The only way we will know if it will work is talk about why we are at this point and then need to spend a few days together here and there while still living apart and then that will help to decide if we want to continue with the process. The going out for a few hours here and there will not accomplish anything since we already know that works. I just wish she talk to someone.


So what this proves is that she doesn't want a divorce...however, she doesn't want YOU either. She likes having the security of the marriage under her, and is only screwing with your feelings to keep you there, thus her security blanket stays in place. You should want and demand better for yourself, file and follow through.


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## Adelais

MAJDEATH said:


> The short answer is 3x the length of time where they were not really emotionally invested (checked-out) with the marriage, whether thru affairs or non-caring.


Ridiculous! So R after a drunken quickie at a bar should only take 3 times the amount the quickie took??

My husband had a 2 week EA, and it has taken us years to heal, because he was not willing to deal with his issues, and I am an unforgiving person.

The correct answer is that R takes a long time, up to many years, depending on how well the issues are dealt with and how both people are committed to R.


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## MAJDEATH

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> 
> The short answer is 3x the length of time where they were not really emotionally invested (checked-out) with the marriage, whether thru affairs or non-caring.
> 
> 
> 
> Ridiculous! So R after a drunken quickie at a bar should only take 3 times the amount the quickie took??
> 
> My husband had a 2 week EA, and it has taken us years to heal, because he was not willing to deal with his issues, and I am an unforgiving person.
> 
> The correct answer is that R takes a long time, up to many years, depending on how well the issues are dealt with and how both people are committed to R.
Click to expand...

If he had a 2 week EA, he was probably checked out of the marriage for 6 months or more, so 1.5 yrs is about right for full R with trust returning.


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## Marc878

I suspect her other man is still in the picture. Check her phone bill. That's probably the reason for the separation. You probably never suspected it. If they are in anyway in contact the affair is still ongoing.

I agree with the others refile and move on. Very hard to reconcile after a sexual affair.

It'll never be the same.

Learn from it and start over.

Read
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=uoiaP1w3_NVtnr0kEATD74imljI-


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## Marc878

Bronco00 said:


> My wife moved out a little over a year ago. We have seen each other off and on over the last year. This past month she decided to work on our marriage.* About 4 months after she moved out she had an affair for 3 to 4 months. It is over now. I am pretty sure this was not the reason she moved out.* She says she didn't feel valued in the marriage and that I took her for granite. I have never wanted a divorce and I want to be with her. Like I mentioned she decided this month to work on the marriage. When we go out everything is fine and we get along just like we used to. I have asked her to spend some days together instead of hours together but she hasn't. What would be appropriate time frame for me to say we need to take the next step and we need to live together again to see how things go?


Wake up. There's more to this than you think.


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## the guy

Its way easier to not communicate then to keep track of all the secrets and lies she has.

I'm guessing if she were to ever open up to you...you may not like what she has to say?

I say go through with the divorce then remarry if shyt works out.


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## SunCMars

ConanHub said:


> You aren't in reconciliation.
> 
> She left and decided fvcking another man while still married to you was a good idea.
> 
> How did you find out?
> 
> How has she shown remorse?
> 
> Who was it?
> 
> I think you should date someone else for 4 months and get back to her on the subject.
> 
> Sheesh!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see both sides to this. We do not want to scare them all away!

The truth hurts, hence the push back from the empathetic crowd.

I have a suggestion. Let the good counselors ladle out their warm porridge first.

Give them a page or two to soft soap the troubled poster. Give the guy the bubble bath and neck rub.

Then unleash that Tasmanian Devil.


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## SunCMars

ConanHub said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I like this answer the best.

He gave us all the 180, go dark response.

Maybe invisible ink.


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## SunCMars

Marc878 said:


> Wake up. There's more to this than you think.


The affair may be over...*this affair *may be over. This guy [may] or [may not] be still in her life, in her thoughts, in her plans.

If it is over with this guy, will there be *more... men*?

She may still be playing the field, sorting through the duds. 

Duds, not dudes! Some are both. She may be sifting and sniffing, still.

The timeline is on her terms. Accept that. Move on. Let her see you doing well. 

Create your own terms. No clinging or drama from you. 

This may inspire her to give you a real chance. She is thinking about it. That is obvious with the short dates and all.

Stand tall and have pride in yourself....politely pull back, do the 180 response. Be too busy for her. She is in an uncomfortable spot, keep her there, force HER hand, do not let her do the reverse psychology on you. 

The 180 will pay off, within a month or so. Yea or Nay.

Both outcomes are good, in the long run.


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## Adelais

MAJDEATH said:


> If he had a 2 week EA, *he was probably checked out of the marriage for 6 months or more*, so 1.5 yrs is about right for full R with trust returning.


Wow, Maj, you think so? LOL. How do you know he wasn't checked out for 6 years? Or how do you know he wasn't drunk when he met her, and had poor boundaries, but loved the attention, so kept it going? (Actually neither of those is how it happened.)


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## ReturntoZero

MAJDEATH said:


> If he had a 2 week EA, he was probably checked out of the marriage for 6 months or more, so 1.5 yrs is about right for full R with trust returning.


This is the KEY point.

Emotions rule - not actions.

Someone decides they're done and they mail it in and "quit" - but they stay.

The "soon to be betrayed spouse" makes some sort of internal bargain and trudges forward.

But, you're already "on the clock"

The affair may be brief, or whatever. It's the duration of how long you were not connected without any sort of "re-connection" that makes this rule true.


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## MAJDEATH

ReturntoZero said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> 
> If he had a 2 week EA, he was probably checked out of the marriage for 6 months or more, so 1.5 yrs is about right for full R with trust returning.
> 
> 
> 
> This is the KEY point.
> 
> Emotions rule - not actions.
> 
> Someone decides they're done and they mail it in and "quit" - but they stay.
> 
> The "soon to be betrayed spouse" makes some sort of internal bargain and trudges forward.
> 
> But, you're already "on the clock"
> 
> The affair may be brief, or whatever. It's the duration of how long you were not connected without any sort of "re-connection" that makes this rule true.
Click to expand...

This is so true! Emotional investment in the relationship is key, without it you are just going thru the motions. I wish I had known this fact back then.


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## Lostinthought61

Let's be perfectly honest Bronco...your plan B...she can tell you anything you want to hear and you can tell yourself anything you want to believe but deep down you will alway be plan B.


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