# Do your discuss with your children?



## TillySmyth (Nov 28, 2016)

I have a 13 year old daughter. My husband is not her father nor is her bio father involved in her life. My husband and I have been having problems for a while now and while my husband and I are "working" on things. I say "working" because in all honesty I'm trying to fake it until I make it. Or fake it until I don't. However this turns out. 

Anyway...do you discuss the possible divorce with your children? She's told me in the past that she doesn't feel like he loves her. And that she's really tired of all the fighting. Or do I let her think everything is OK and not discuss it with her.

Any advise is appreciated.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

My father always tried to keep me in the loop, so to speak, during his marriages. 

When i stilled lived with him...it seemed again to simply telling me what i already knew. 

He did, however, always stress that regardless of what happened, he would always love me and be there for me. He always has. 

I still appreciate that he did that


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Oh gosh. I would be wary of over-confiding. She might be a teenager, but her mind is still developing and she is at a very vulnerable age. What did your husband say when you told him your daughter didn't think he loved her? Does he show affection to her? Spend time with her? 

It started when I was about 11, but my mother would talk to me about EVERYTHING. How awful she thought the latest thing my father did, was. How much she hated the way he treated her. He was insensitive, or penny-pinching, or not grateful enough. She never would leave. She was completely negative about 80% of the time, and would say things like "I don't complain, I just carry on." She would never go to therapy for her obvious depression, or divorce him. I felt awful for her. And for him. But in the end I felt quite resentful. It made my childhood feel very unstable. I felt at any time she might leave. My childhood was punctuated by fights about ridiculous things like roasted potato methods and walking the dog. Everything was a fight. And I always had to hear about it afterwards. It made me dread talking to her. 

If there are major developments, like you looking for a new place, or planning separation definitely talk to her as calmly as possible to keep her in the loop. Otherwise, talk to your friends or a therapist. Remember, she is a kid.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Children are so aware... what they do not know, or understand, they fill in the blanks with either accurate information of being informed at a level they can understand with the right amount of information, or with inaccurate information they have not learned to understand but have to maneuver into ways that guess... often in error to the situation and fear arises.

Fear may still arise from the knowing, but at least it can be addressed as it is a founded one.

Now is a good time to teach that life is not positive all the time. That feeling angry and frustrated, scared or anxious is okay, it's how we deal with it that matters. 

These feeling make us human... and that's a good thing.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I don't think marriage problems are the concern of children - you are at the risk of parentifying them and creating worries that may not be there. However, if you feel a child is picking up on tension then it is important to be honest with them in a way that is appropriate for their age. Unless you are definitely going to get a divorce or separate I wouldn't even mention it. But it is perfectly OK to explain disagreements.


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

TillySmyth said:


> I have a 13 year old daughter. My husband is not her father nor is her bio father involved in her life. My husband and I have been having problems for a while now and while my husband and I are "working" on things. I say "working" because in all honesty I'm trying to fake it until I make it. Or fake it until I don't. However this turns out.
> 
> Anyway...do you discuss the possible divorce with your children? She's told me in the past that she doesn't feel like he loves her. And that she's really tired of all the fighting. Or do I let her think everything is OK and not discuss it with her.
> 
> Any advise is appreciated.


Honestly, I do not think discussing a divorce with a child before it happens is fair to the child. I do not know when the right time to bring it up would be. But to talk about it before hand would be unfair. It's as if you want the child to help you carry the burden. A child is too young for that in my humble opinion.


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## TillySmyth (Nov 28, 2016)

It's not as though I want to share the burden with her. I know she feels the tension around the house. I also just don't want her to be unprepared for what could be. I want her to be prepared in case it were to happen but don't want to place adult weight on her shoulders.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

kindMe77 said:


> Honestly, I do not think discussing a divorce with a child before it happens is fair to the child. I do not know when the right time to bring it up would be. But to talk about it before hand would be unfair. It's as if you want the child to help you carry the burden. A child is too young for that in my humble opinion.


*While a child definitely does not deserve to be either of their parents "crutch" within a given divorce situation, at the very same time, they definitely don't need to be kept in the lurch about the ramifications of a social situation which is going to greatly impact them as well as their immediate and long term future!

IMHO, that would be equally as unfair!

Regardless of the circumstances, they always need to know that they are loved, and will continue to be loved, and try to insure them that both of their parents will always be there for them, with the best interests of the kids at heart!*


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

TillySmyth said:


> It's not as though I want to share the burden with her. I know she feels the tension around the house. I also just don't want her to be unprepared for what could be. I want her to be prepared in case it were to happen but don't want to place adult weight on her shoulders.


Divorce does not happen instantaneously. It can, and probably will, take months. When a decision is made will leave plenty of time to explain what is going on.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

peacem said:


> I don't think marriage problems are the concern of children - you are at the risk of parentifying them and creating worries that may not be there. However, if you feel a child is picking up on tension then it is important to be honest with them in a way that is appropriate for their age. Unless you are definitely going to get a divorce or separate I wouldn't even mention it. But it is perfectly OK to explain disagreements.


Perfect advice.

I divorced my kids dad when they were 4 months, 2 and 4 years. I then kicked my current husband out when they were 17, 19 and 21 - the oldest didn't live at home. This is pretty much how I handled things.


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## TillySmyth (Nov 28, 2016)

Thank you so much for all your advice!


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

joannacroc said:


> Oh gosh. I would be wary of over-confiding. She might be a teenager, but her mind is still developing and she is at a very vulnerable age. What did your husband say when you told him your daughter didn't think he loved her? Does he show affection to her? Spend time with her?
> 
> It started when I was about 11, but my mother would talk to me about EVERYTHING. How awful she thought the latest thing my father did, was. How much she hated the way he treated her. He was insensitive, or penny-pinching, or not grateful enough. She never would leave. She was completely negative about 80% of the time, and would say things like "I don't complain, I just carry on." She would never go to therapy for her obvious depression, or divorce him. I felt awful for her. And for him. But in the end I felt quite resentful. It made my childhood feel very unstable. I felt at any time she might leave. My childhood was punctuated by fights about ridiculous things like roasted potato methods and walking the dog. Everything was a fight. And I always had to hear about it afterwards. It made me dread talking to her.
> 
> If there are major developments, like you looking for a new place, or planning separation definitely talk to her as calmly as possible to keep her in the loop. Otherwise, talk to your friends or a therapist. Remember, she is a kid.


It's definitely important to be wary of over-confiding. There is a thing called Parentification, and it is very abusive to children. 

It looks like you've got your head in the right place. Just avoid alienating your kids from your spouse, and avoid confiding in them. If you're going to talk about it, it should be in a "hey, I want you to be aware of these things because they affect you" kind of tone. 

You may even want to talk to your H about it, and approach her together, so that no one gets the idea that the other is trying to manipulate the children against them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TillySmyth said:


> It's not as though I want to share the burden with her. I know she feels the tension around the house. I also just don't want her to be unprepared for what could be. I want her to be prepared in case it were to happen but don't want to place adult weight on her shoulders.


If she's noticing the tension and you're both AWARE that she's noticing the tension - i.e., if you and she are having a conversation and it looks like she's wanting to talk about it, discuss it in vague terms.


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