# If he's a "Nice Guy" then what am I?



## Worthy (Jul 19, 2012)

My husband and I have been married about 9 years. We have two boys under 10yrs old. We're both in our 30's. About a month ago I consulted a lawyer about filing for divorce. After learning of the expense and crazy process, I lost my resolve and didn't proceed any further. I explained what happened to my husband after he questioned me over a packet that arrived in the mail from the lawyer I had visited. He told me he wouldn't sign divorce papers. It was nice to hear, but I think he's slowly losing his will to fight for me/us.

Here's what's been going on for the last 9 years we've been married...

As soon as we were married the sex dropped to maybe once a month. We didn't have sex on our wedding night, or the night after, or the night after...it was a good two weeks before we had our first marital sex ( I think I should've taken that as a warning sign).

Granted, I WAS pregnant when we got married (yeah, yeah shotgun vegas wedding) and he had this hangup about "poking the baby." Let me add that I was in a size 3 wedding dress and not showing at all at the time. So he had some mental block going on.

So I blamed the first few years of infrequent sex on me being pregnant twice within two years and stress over new babies and staying up all night and all that. We weren't what you would call "kid people" prior to having our own accidents (horribly irresponsible, I know) so there was a huge adjustment period.

Whenever we did have sex, it was hit or miss. One time could be spectacular with me outnumbering him in orgasms and finding sheets and pillows strewn all over the floor after. Another time would be a total embarassment to him, a quick embarassment if you know what I mean. Other times he just lost his erection because he was anxious or too eager to please or overthought things (or so he says).

We never cuddled after sex. I'm now wondering if that's something that would've kept me more attached to him. After "bad" sex (which was most of the few times we had sex) he would shut down from mortification or WHATEVER, I STILL don't know. So he would ignore me. I would cry silently, feel rejected, blah blah blah.

Zip to present day, husband has slept on the couch the past two nights. I DID NOT send him there, he went running off on his own. Here's why:

Two nights ago, at about 2am, I start groping him because I've only been able to get sex if I just take it (which is really sickening and tiring by the way). He responds and climbs on board. Somewhere between thrust one (me yanking off his shirt) and thrust two (us using arms and my legs to push is underwear down his legs) he loses his erection and tries desperately to jam it in flaccid. I can feel the bad feelings coming...

He climbs off and lays down on his side of the bed, silent. I'm silent. Naked. Waiting. Hoping? At this point all I want is to NOT be ignored. I could use a little sign of warmth.

After waiting a few minutes I get dressed and go to the bathroom. When I get back to the bedroom he's not there.

Now here's the funny (actually depressing) thing. This same thing happened about a week ago except not the exact same sexual situation, but he ended up out on the couch. I was in bed crying and I TEXT from the BED to him on the COUCH, "why is it so easy for you to ignore me?"

He comes moping in and says, "It's not.'

WTF????

Here's some more backstory...he's been on this forum. He's asked for advice. This came after he saw the divorce "informational" packet the lawyer sent me. So I suppose the thought of divorce was enough to kick him into gear. 

Husband has learned that he's a "Nice Guy." He wants to please me so bad he's consumed with it. He thinks by not being pushy and not arguing, that he's being loving. He has told me he's afraid of me and I scoff at him, and he laughs back saying, "I know." Meaning it's as ridiculous as it sounds because I'm so cute and little and sweet and funny.

He's learned a lot about himself from reading No More Mr Nice Guy...but he can't seem to put it into action. He still ignores me. Still runs. Seems to be getting more intimidated by me. It's almost as if KNOWING what the problem is is making everything worse. On both sides.

He acknowledges that he should never leave me and should instead comfort me. He acknowledges that I need a man, not a baby. He knows it all, acknowledges it all, says the right things...yet STILL crawls the couch, to get away from me and the problems I suppose.

He's told me over and over how attractive I am. How much he wants to have sex with me...YAK YAK YAK I say (but not to his face). He's also said that he's repressed his sexual urges. Why would anyone on this holy earth ever do THAT??!!!!

So it just makes me mad and hopeless, because instead of being an ignorant jerk, he's now being a deliberate jerk.

I just re-read this and it sounds awfully lighthearted but that's not how I feel at all. I just can't face it anymore or take it seriously because it hurts so much. I want to leave as bad as I want to stay.


----------



## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Sounds like you aren't very patient with him to be honest. He obviously has a problem, it may be a sexual problem rooted deeply from his past.
You seem like an overwhelming personality just reading your post. It's not a bad thing, I am one too it's just that people like us tend to unintentionally intimidate people wherever we go.
The best thing you can do is let him know that you care about his anxiety and that you will be patient with whatever it is that's troubling him. Seek counseling. I'm a big advocate for counseling because I finally found a good one. When you have a good one who can delve into these things they tell you things that open your eyes.
Seeking divorce was the worst thing you have done so far. You think he's being a deliberate jerk but he isn't. He is genuinely scared. Scared of what, no one knows but finding the lawyer's packet probably pushed him further back into his hole.


----------



## Worthy (Jul 19, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> Sounds like you aren't very patient with him to be honest. He obviously has a problem, it may be a sexual problem rooted deeply from his past.
> You seem like an overwhelming personality just reading your post. It's not a bad thing, I am one too it's just that people like us tend to unintentionally intimidate people wherever we go.
> The best thing you can do is let him know that you care about his anxiety and that you will be patient with whatever it is that's troubling him. Seek counseling. I'm a big advocate for counseling because I finally found a good one. When you have a good one who can delve into these things they tell you things that open your eyes.
> Seeking divorce was the worst thing you have done so far. You think he's being a deliberate jerk but he isn't. He is genuinely scared. Scared of what, no one knows but finding the lawyer's packet probably pushed him further back into his hole.



I'm frustrated with him for sure. As for being patient...well...can I say it's been 9 years? 

I totally get what you're saying though, I will let him know I will wait for him because I'm going to anyway so why not reassure him?

I'm so hurt and resentful that it's just hard to give anything.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

My H is somewhat of a nice guy too. I know if he couldn't get it up or lost it I would be upset. But I fairly convinced that the reason we only do it once a week is because he only has sex when he is 100% sure that he will get hard and maintain it. 
Can you maybe think about what he is feeling? In that situation I would go to him, ask him how he is doing, put the focus on him and not me. 
It could very well be a physical problem that needs to be looked into. Has he talked to a dr about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Here's a few random thoughts...

You went to a lawyer to divorce him. You didn't pull the trigger but in his mind the hammer is ****ed (no pun intended) and if his ED thing keeps up (no pun intended), you will. He's just waiting.

He IS a nice guy and you are aggressive. You woke him up at 2 in the morning for sex. But then, when the problem starts, it's

" I'm silent. Naked. Waiting. Hoping? At this point all I want is to NOT be ignored. I could use a little sign of warmth."

Yet it sounds like you did not continue after him. He deflates and you lay there expecting him to suddenly inflate and carry on. He can't, he's hurt by it and heads for the couch.

Next time he heads for the couch, grab his hand and say "no, you sleep in bed with me and we'll work this out together." Period.


----------



## Worthy (Jul 19, 2012)

It's so hard to completely explain the situation and I've only focused on the sex part. I've had numerous discussions with him over what I need and want...he listens and nods and SAYS all the right things. I've always asked him back if there was something he needed, anything that bothered him, he always answered "no" and was always agreeable.

Even after him reading No More Mr Nice Guy and discovering a lot about himself he never realized, he can't tell me what it is that HE needs. My reasoning is that maybe I wasn't giving him what he needed. I started questioning if I was still attractive to him. He's always sworn up and down that he thinks I'm hot. I ask him, then why don't we have sex? His answer is always "I dont know"

However, that book did help him realize he wasn't accepting that he had any part in making me unhappy. He couldn't accept that he wasn't being anything but kind and wonderful. He admitted to me that when I had those talks with him about what I wanted...he thought I was nutso.

We get along completely in every other way, he is my best friend. We have no issues raising our children, dividing housework. We don't squabble over money (because there just isn't any to fight over ).


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Worthy said:


> We get along completely in every other way, he is my best friend. We have no issues raising our children, dividing housework. We don't squabble over money (because there just isn't any to fight over ).


Do you "get along" because he rolls over and does everything you want him to do? That is the Nice Guy MO. Makes for a pretty wonderful life for you. He may be leading a life a quiet desparation.

The issue could be that you're aggressive and he's emasculated. No wonder he's having trouble in the sack. 

I see a lot about how he's not "satisfying" you. I'm sorry to hear that. In such situations of quick completion, will he go south and try to satisfy you orally?

Also, when was the last time you made the session about him? If he finishes quick, why not go south, get him rolling again and go for round 2? Has this ever been part of your playbook?


----------



## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Let's see. When he went flaccid, you lovingly took him in your mouth to help out.

Right?


----------



## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

My H and I have been together 20 years now... we've had our share of problems and continue to. We've both been accepting of eachother's bad behavior (and rug sweeping issues instead of just dealing with them). It is kicking our a$$ now that we are 40 and 38 the one problem we never really had was sex. Thank goodness 

Until recently, problems with ED has entered the picture mainly from side effects of medicine and high blood pressure. When this first started happening, he was humiliated, I was crushed and we withdrew from eachother. Probably out of fear... I'm afraid he's going to tell me that he no longer enjoys our sex/He's afraid I'm going to say he's less of a man. More rug sweeping... My irrational thoughts came flooding in.. he isn't attracted to me, he thinks I'm boring, holy sh!t things start to sag when you get older maybe I'm "loosening" up (hence the word IRRATIONAL) the list went on and on. None of this was helpful...

We fairly recently finally had the "uncomfortable" talk and got our fears out on the table to deal with them. Turns out as he's getting older, he needs more foreplay as well since it doesn't "fire up" as easily as in our teens/early 20's. Now even if he does lose his erection, we lay together, cuddle, talk, carress, kiss... Not every time sometimes we just lay there cuddling and talking but we don't turn away from eachother which is what we both needed reassurence that this isn't the end. Sometimes the kissing, caressing, etc. leads to a FANTASTIC round 2  

Don't allow this to get rug swept

Don't let irrational thoughts take over

Do more teasing, enticing instead of just groping (if my H has his back to me I'll take my shirt off, cuddle my b00bs to his back while tickling his back, kissing his shoulders, neck, rubbing my hands down his side over his butt and go towards "the goods" pull away, more tender kissing, rubbing my hand over his chest, down his stomach again toward the goods (maybe slightly "brushing" over it) 
Whispering what you want him to do to you or what you want to do to him while nibbling his ear is a BONUS!

Doesn't take long for my H to roll over and get into it. 

Hope this helps...


----------



## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

lovingsummer said:


> My H and I have been together 20 years now... we've had our share of problems and continue to. We've both been accepting of eachother's bad behavior (and rug sweeping issues instead of just dealing with them). It is kicking our a$$ now that we are 40 and 38 the one problem we never really had was sex. Thank goodness
> 
> Until recently, problems with ED has entered the picture mainly from side effects of medicine and high blood pressure. When this first started happening, he was humiliated, I was crushed and we withdrew from eachother. Probably out of fear... I'm afraid he's going to tell me that he no longer enjoys our sex/He's afraid I'm going to say he's less of a man. More rug sweeping... My irrational thoughts came flooding in.. he isn't attracted to me, he thinks I'm boring, holy sh!t things start to sag when you get older maybe I'm "loosening" up (hence the word IRRATIONAL) the list went on and on. None of this was helpful...
> 
> ...


Great story. You're a good role model of how a woman can be loving to a man in a way that's very important for not only him, but both of you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Worthy,

From what you posted, the two of you started out badly in the sex department with early pregnancies and all the stress that brings. Then you felt ignored and it's been downhill since then.

The two of you would most likely benefit from a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. They will help the two of you find a better way to deal with this.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Worthy, it's up to you to decide if you wish to stay with him.
Just know that there are a lot of women who see nothing wrong in treating their husbands in the manner that you are being treated. Just watch the Dr. Phil show and you will see it and even hear "Feel" insist it is the guys fault in some way.


----------



## Mr steal your girl (Aug 11, 2012)

Why is your husband scared of you?...How is the sex? Is he breaking your back, is the sex just plain ole vanilla or is he chopping you down like johnny appleseed?

I think you're just a woman that has sex and he has some sexual issues. Get a porn tape, buy some sex toys, viagra, wear a sexy outfit, whisper in his hear. Maybe he's not comfortable. I don't think it's you. I might that he has some physical issues going on.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Where the Heck is the Foreplay?????? Take your time, get comfortable. Try out your fantasies. Role Play. Talk dirty or sexy. 

Ex. I came home from work and I was taking off my shoes in the doorway when heard my wife walking down the hallway. I remember hearing the clicks of her shoes and thought it sounded a little different. When she came within sight around the corner all she was wearing were these high heeled platform shoes and a collar around her neck............Man I almost lost it..:BoomSmilie_anim:.I was so surprised and instantly aroused. I still had the door half way opened when she stepped out in the living room. It was an evening to remember. (as I was writing this I had a smile on my face) I will always remember that night. The stress from work went away the whole week............oh ahh... anyway just try something different to spice up the bedroom


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

He probably went to the couch to cry and didn't want you to see it. Others have said it, get him in to see a doctor about it. Remember, he has feelings too, you're probably not the only one hurting here.


----------

