# Husband of 25 years cheated



## queenmary (Apr 15, 2017)

2 weeks ago I found out that my husband of 25 years was cheating on me. I found the information in his phone (it was not uncommon for either of us to be using the others phone). 

I walked out of the store and he didn't come after me. Called a friend to pick me up and eventually I went back to our house only to find him not there. After hours of text messages he finally called me and said he would come home. He found me crumpled on the floor and bawling my eyes out. He was so cold...not the man I know. Told me he had been unhappy for years, which came as a shock because we did everything together and were always laughing and being affectionate. In our marriage we had small disagreements but would always resolve them. I started having pre-menopausal symptoms (turning 48 this year...he's already 48). I was getting all of this checked out with my Dr. He never expressed his unhappiness to me or any of our friends. 

I left our home at 3am 2 weeks ago. After driving around for hours, went back home only to find the locks were changed. Was able to get my clothes but that's it. Yes, I know this is illegal for him to do.

We have mainly communicated via text. We met in person 2x and he tells me he still loves me and wants me to be 'happy' and he's not the guy to provide that for me anymore. I'm miserable right now....does he not get that? I cant sleep or eat. He says he loves me and wants me to move on and be 'happy'. He is still seeing the other girl (who is 30 and is a co-worker)...even though he verbalized and texted saying he wasn't.

I'm still deeply in love with this man. I want to work it out but he says NO! I'm trying to keep myself busy but i find myself wondering what he's doing and if the 'girl' is in my home (he says she isnt but ya, well he's lied before so...)

I'm so lost....just want to sleep and not wake up. My friends get mad at me for saying that but it's my honest feeling (no I'm not going to do it....just want the pain to stop). I know it's all 'new' and yes I hear everyone when they say the pain will go away in time. 

I keep waiting for a call/text saying come home....I am in therapy right now and I have good days and bad...the nights are the worst because i have nobody. :frown2:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard.

The first thing you need to do is to see a doctor about depression. You would most likely benefit from some antidepressants for a while. They would help you deal with the situation as right now you are in a depressive state and avoiding your problems.

Why did you allow him to kick you out of your own home? By you just accepting him kicking you out, you are helping him stay in the affair. He now has the house and the OW. What did he lose? Nothing. He has not even lost you because you are just sitting around waiting for him come back to you. Lucky him. He has the house, a younger woman and you as his backup plan.

Your husband has to suffer the pain have facing the read world over his affair and the bad way he is treating you.

If you want to get your husband back you need to not let him walk all over you.

First off you need to get back into your home to live here. It is still your legal residence. So when he's at work, either go break into a window and change the locks. (or call a lock smith have the lock smith change the locks. You will need to prove to the lock smith that it's your legal residence. Just get some of your mail and your driver's license with that address on it.) When he gets home, give him a new key. And tell him that if wants to have an affair, he is the one who needs to leave.

If he gives our grief, or tries to kick you out again, dial 911. The police will come and tell him to cut it out.

Is this other woman married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

queenmary 


I saw your post on another thread. You mention the book "His Needs, Her Needs".

My suggestion is that you first read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. 

Then, after that there are two books that would help you:

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"

Read them in the order I've talked about there here. They are all writen by Dr. Harley and go together. The first one, SA, will tell you what to do to try to get your husband to work on reconciliation with you. Only after that can you work on the next two books.

Then you read "Love Busters". This book is about stopping the things that each of you do that kills your love for each other.

Then, once you have stopped the love busters, you read "His Needs, Her Needs". This books is about rebuilding passionate love. You can only rebuild love after the affair is over and after you both stop the love busters.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

QM - I am so sorry that you are here.

The way I see it, you have two options. There are many possible outcomes, but those will come later and are not under your control right now. In terms of courses of action - you can step back quietly and fade into the woodwork, like your husband wants you to do; or you can fight for the life that is yours by right. I'm not talking about getting your husband back. I'm talking about the home and the peace of mind that was yours.

It does seem to me that you are suffering from a crippling depression right now and that you should see a medical professional about that. I would also recommend seeing a counselling therapist if that is possible. Do you have family or feinds that can offer you emotional support right now? I don't normally agree with making decisions in the grip of strong emotions, but I think that what you need to do right now is to get angry. Furiously livid. Your husband had an affair and then treated you like an unwanted pet that he dropped off in the woods, hoping it would stay there.

What is your financial situation? Where are you staying at the moment? Can you see an attorney to understand what your rights are? As Elegirl says, having you locked out of your marital home is illegal if it also your legal residence. If you know who the affair partner is, can you start making her and your husband's affair as uncomfortable in real life as it should be on their consciences? If she is a co-worker, what is the company policy on workplace relationships? Is she married and if so, does her husband know about the affair? There are many possible actions that you can take to strengthen your own position. But getting back into your own home should be a high priority.

You need to start fighting for yourself. You have been waiting and hoping that the man who you thought had your safety and best interests at heart would come back and save you. He isn't going to. The only one who can save you right now is you. My thoughts are with you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

See an attorney.

Make sure HE pays for this.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@queenmary

Are you okay financially? Do you have a place to stay if it is unbearable to be at your marital home. I mean, what if his girlfriend is living there right now?

Are you able to maintain/run your car, get groceries, pay bills on your own?

Any sympathetic family to help and support you; at least temporarily?

I agree with everyone who says that he has no right to kick you out of the house. If he won't leave; and the conditions there are emotionally destroying, then I was just hoping you have a back-up plan.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Sorry to hear that but the truth is once romantic love is gone, it cannot be willed into or out of existence. Your husband has lost it and cannot just think it to return. You still have it and cannot think it away. Your therapist probably told you this but you cannot let your happiness depend on another. It think the term is co-dependency. Many married people view themselves as half of a couple with no "Me" identity.

Love is a chemical reaction in your brain and no on really knows why are genes make us attracted to one person and not the other. You cannot look at a guy and tell yourself that you want to be attracted to him. We have no control over it. You need to let go and build a new life based on you and not as half of a couple. The other problem you are running into is that new love is always more exciting then old love. There are several types of love and your husband is experiencing new love. That is the type of love that makes you want to spend all of your time with your lover, not see their faults and even gives you rushes of pleasure just thinking about them. Everything they say is fascinating and your existing relationships fall by the wayside.

My wife and I were polyamorous for most of or marriage. We understand the dangers and problems of falling in love with a new person while you are already in love with someone else. It is sometimes difficult to manage more than one relationship due to it being stressful, logistically difficult and emotionally draining trying to make each lover not be jealous of the other. The bad news for you is that those psychologist report that the majority of people pick one relationship over the other to alleviate the stress and, in the case of cheating, the guilt, lying and deceiving. 

I have posted this many times, the problem with monogamy is that it is not natural as we are genetically designed to be attracted to and want to, have sex with others. It is a construct of society and religion, to both control and bring order to the world. What better way to control people than through sex, their primal urge in life. Monogamy forces you to discard your old lover, the one you built a long life with, if you want to also love another. You and me and everyone else entered into marriage knowing that we had a 50/50 chance of failure. We all also thought that we would never divorce. Love is so strong a feeling that it allows us to enter into a lifelong contract whose longevity depends on the toss of a coin. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. The problem is when one still loves and the other does not. 

When my first fiancee of 5 years cheated on me, saying the same thing about still loving me and all that, the only way I got over her was to find a new love. I did, and that did the trick for me. The difference with me is that I am very self reliant. One of the benefits of our poly former life is that we each view ourselves as individuals and not half of a couple. We are each a whole and not a part. My heart goes out to you but the sooner you realize that no matter what you do, nothing will change, the sooner you can move on with your life. Some still in love transfer those feelings to the departed spouse and cannot understand why they will not try to make the marriage work. You cannot make him love you again. Even if he returns out of guilt, the same problems that existed before will still exists. In fact, your life will be worse because you will forever be suspicious of him. You will accuse him of cheating. You will bring up his cheating every time you have a big fight. You will never regain the level of trust in him that you once had. In short, your marriage will never ever go back to the way it used to be so thinking so is not realistic as painful as it may be. 

Sorry, but you can end up like my cousin who never got over her cheating husband and ended up never loving again or be like my sister who divorced her cheating husband and built a new and better life with a new boyfriend when she was 55 years old. Choose a new and better life. It really can be yours.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard.
> 
> The first thing you need to do is to see a doctor about depression. You would most likely benefit from some antidepressants for a while. They would help you deal with the situation as right now you are in a depressive state and avoiding your problems.
> 
> ...





^^^THIS^^^


OP I have been exactly where you are, I was married for almost 25 years when I found out my now Ex was having an affair with a 29 year old gold digging subordinate at work. I can sympathize with how you are feeling, I'm so sorry this is happening. 

I know you want him back and you want to save your marriage, this may be possible but not while the affair is active. You need to stop playing nice with him and do a hard 180 (google the 180 affaircare.com has a page detailing it). Have you exposed the affair and the OW? 

When I was in your shoes I was a hot mess but I got my stuff together and went to see every good divorce lawyer in my area. I didn't tell my Ex anything, I kept him in completely in the dark. I kicked him out and stopped speaking to him except via e-mail or text (answered very slowly and only if it was $ related). After being caught and denying the whole thing, they were "just friends" of course...He wanted to reconcile, but after giving myself time to think about what life would be like with a cheater for a spouse I filed (surprised him at work). It gets better! I am very happy with my decision, my Ex is alone and still wants to reconcile. I sold the house which I was awarded in the divorce and bought a beautiful new home that is exactly what I wanted. I'm so much happier than I could have imagined. Yes I am just as happy as I was when my marriage was "good". This is not the end of the world, it might feel like it right now...But it will get better.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

QM - I see that you are already in therapy (sorry, I missed that). How many sessions have you had and do you feel as though you are getting clarity on how you should proceed?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm so sorry to read this.  I don't understand how you can be kicked out of your own home?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard.
> 
> The first thing you need to do is to see a doctor about depression. You would most likely benefit from some antidepressants for a while. They would help you deal with the situation as right now you are in a depressive state and avoiding your problems.
> 
> ...


Thank you @EleGirl for your very insightful post.

Sorry QM that your marriage is yet another casualty of infidelity. Your long term marriage is now gone, and your WS killed it in the worst way. He is done with you. You need to be done with him too. 

See a lawyer, continue counseling for just you, get back in your home ASAP. 

Hopefully you are on medication by now because you are going to need it. Your WS is among the few that are just to abominable to even think they are the same loving spouse you lived with for 25 years. He is not that man. That loving husband has been replaced by this terrible cheater that doesn't care about you. He is too consumed with himself. Very selfish and very destructive new him.

The guilt you think he feels is a lie. How can he feel guilt when it is not him that is suffering living away from his home, dumped, replaced, and thrown away like yesterdays trash?

If he felt guilty, he would not have you thrown out and wanting you to move on. He wants you to be happy so that he doesn't look like the bad guy he knows deep down that he is. 

Expose him and expose the OW. Let everyone know what type of scum he has now become together with a lowlife OW who comes between a couple married for 25 years! She is way below your standards which is why she is with him now.

What honorable man throws his wife of 25 years to the curb and locks her out of her own home? No one will see it as OK either. You need that kind of exposure to get help in him seeing that there are consequences to his underhanded actions. He has betrayed you and treated you terribly through no fault of your own. Seek compensation through monetary means. What he did has no price that he can ever pay. He is a terrible person for you right now and probably for ever. 

Toxic people need to be as far away as possible from the people their toxicity harms terribly. That is what he is to you now. 

I'm sorry, but the sooner you realize that he is not who he used to be, the sooner you can heal from this terrible blow.

Find that anger that needs to come sooner than later. It will propel you to move forward and find the best life you can live without his dead weight in the picture. 

Your loving husband of 25 years is dead, sadly, never to return. Mourn your loss and free yourself of this monster that has replaced him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@queenmary

How are you doing today? Hope you are still reading here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@queenmary

How are you doing today? Hope you are still reading here.


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## queenmary (Apr 15, 2017)

Thanks EleGirl.

I am still here...was just out and about today keeping busy. I gained a lot of clarity today and him and I have agreed to meet tomorrow. I have decided to tell him that I'm moving back to OUR house and he can move out and then we can attempt some sort of reconciliation with professional help. Yes I am in counseling and have spoken to my Dr about depression. Hesitant to start taking depression meds...I have a follow up visit next week to see if things changed and if we both feel they are necessary.

While I appreciate your candor, I'm having a hard time with some of your responses as I'm still in love with this person so it really doesn't do anyone any good to 'bash' him at this point. Maybe at a later time but bashing him doesn't help anyone who is trying to heal themselves.

I completely understand that what he did was illegal and yes I am taking steps to get all of my legal rights. Sorry if my original post was misleading as I'm not just going to wither into the woods. I am a strong person who's just kind of lost right now. Was really looking for some help/insight for me (not him).

thanks again.


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## queenmary (Apr 15, 2017)

thanks for your words....again I'm having a hard time with the harshness of some of the responses. I'm seeking help for myself. I understand everything you are saying (trust me).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mary,

I think your feelings are very raw right now. So things on a forum like this can seem to be a bit harsh. Just know that people posting here are trying to help you. Take what makes sense to you and just leave the rest.

I really hope that you do read the book "Surviving an Affair". It will give you a lot of insight and a very good plan on how to handle things.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

queenmary said:


> I'm miserable right now....does he not get that?


I'm sorry to say this but he doesn't care. Please see a lawyer get what is rightfully yours. You may be to week to fight, but that is what the lawyer will do for you fight. My dear you need to fight. Him locking you out of your house is disgusting. Tell your friends and family. Get support and take his every last dollar. 

You will get through this but your husband is dead. Better get strong now. Please fight for yourself.


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## queenmary (Apr 15, 2017)

kristin2349 said:


> ^^^THIS^^^
> 
> 
> OP I have been exactly where you are, I was married for almost 25 years when I found out my now Ex was having an affair with a 29 year old gold digging subordinate at work. I can sympathize with how you are feeling, I'm so sorry this is happening.
> ...



Thanks for your words. I will check out the website you have recommended. Yes the OW has been put on 'blast' and so has her family (as they all work for the same company). Not sure what tomorrow holds but right now I'm taking it one day at a time and healing myself (and getting my house back)


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> queenmary
> 
> 
> I saw your post on another thread. You mention the book "His Needs, Her Needs".
> ...


Why are you telling her to read books about fixing the marriage when she can't even get back in her house?!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Two things you need to realize in life if you want to be healthy. For all of the wonderfulness of love, there are more important things in life than love. It is more important that you are treated with decency and respect then even your love for your husband. Love is not enough to make a good marriage. Despite what the songs and poems tell us, love is not enough to live on. 

The second thing is that everything ends. Relationships end. It is painful but it is a part of life. You do yourself grave harm if you hold onto something that is unhealthy for you because you don't want to experience the pain of the ending. Holding on to something that is dead just prolongs the pain. If you are incapable at this point to see your marriage as over. At least see the man who you married as over. This person who has done this terrible thing to you is a new person. He killed your husband.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

queenmary said:


> Thanks EleGirl.
> 
> I am still here...was just out and about today keeping busy. I gained a lot of clarity today and him and I have agreed to meet tomorrow. I have decided to tell him that I'm moving back to OUR house and he can move out and then we can attempt some sort of reconciliation with professional help. Yes I am in counseling and have spoken to my Dr about depression. Hesitant to start taking depression meds...I have a follow up visit next week to see if things changed and if we both feel they are necessary.
> 
> ...


Queen Mary, this is tough what has happened to you after so many years of marriage. It is good you are getting counselling, this will make you stronger. Of course it is hard to get over the man you have loved all these years but there are a few issues you must consider

1. Your WH is not the man you fell in love with, he has moved onto a younger woman and treated you as garbage, that may be harsh, but this is a reality you have to come to terms with. If you do not then you will not be strong enough to do what you need to do
2. You need to take your rightful place back in your home. 
3. You must get a lawyer and see what your options are. 
4. You must tell all family and friends what he has done, he has to be accountable to others. What he has done will be frowned upon. Do not cover for him.

4. Your WH may or may not be in a fog which will not last or he may well have made the break from you permanently but until you start to operate from a place of strength and take back some control, you will not be in any position to direct your own life

5. I am hoping that you get stronger, work on yourself, hopefully you will move on from this man. 

The most important thing in marriage is that we do not depend our spouse to complete us or make us happy that must come from within.

You have not told us how your marriage was , how your menopause affected it, however a loving and decent man would stand by you. All the best on making your way back to normalcy with or without him.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Can you explain why you think you love a person who would treat you and your marriage this way?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

queenmary, people are being "harsh" because that's actually the better path towards reconciliation. If you grovel and beg for reconciliation, he'll lose both respect for you and any remaining attraction he has. He needs to understand that you're not his fallback plan, even if you fully intend to be his fallback plan. This is a time when you do not show your hand.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am sorry you are here my Lady.

Your Husband is a big fool. I would give everything to have someone to love me for 25 years. What a fool he is. I cant belive it. 

First thing you need to do is move back to your House. If he wont let you in call the Police,Swat team,anything that comes to your mind. It is still your House. 

He is finding excuses for his actions and he will try to hurt you saying some harsh words.Dont listen to them.
Remember this is not your fault.

Expose them.Let your Family and Friends know what a dumb man he is. Also they are co-workers. Report them. Go nuclear.
If you have Kids tell them. A good Father and Husband would never do this. 

He is moved on so dont beg him.You dont want to be a Plan B. 

25 years.I feel some anger typing this,damn.

Stay strong and best wishes to you.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I completely understand about the books advise. Queen Mary is in a lot of pain. Everything is so raw and mind-boggling right now. 

She is a fixer. She wants to fix things. Sadly, she can't fix what she didn't break. In these early stages it is very difficult to see the awful truth that what you treasure, love and cherished is completely gone. The bulldozer her husband hit her with shows us her emotionally broken self. She can't see this because this type of trauma leaves no marks on the outside. But the damage has indeed been done. time and knowledge will alleviate and help with the healing process. 

Thank you for letting us know you are being proactive towards getting back into your home, exposing your situation, seeking legal council and getting medical help. 

I am truly sorry if my comments were harsh for your WS. The anger monster got to me. He is not you though. My anger is not for you, I empathize with you as I have been where you are. I feared you were thinking of harming yourself. I wanted to trigger your anger because it was that anger that helped be get off my codependent and natural born fixer ways and fight for me and my kids even if all I wanted was to die. I was very suicidal in those first 4 weeks after D-day. I knew something was wrong when I couldn't shake off the suicidal thoughts the first two weeks. I got on meds and at the 4 week mark, the anger stage hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Whether your marriage survives or not, you do need to realize that your WS is not who he used to be. If he is not remorseful and willing to bend over backwards for you, you cannot nice him back.

The books will help you understand and answer things your WS cannot answer honestly. 

A good book to also read is from abandonment to healing. It is not about infidelity but death. Your old marriage is dead. A new one may bebuilt.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I think for him to change the locks on you speaks volumes on how lost your husband is in himself and where his mind is not willing to make healthy decisions. For the moment... this is who he is and no matter how you may resolve this, he will not be the same as much as you may wish him to be. Accepting this is always hard, but is the first critical step for looking at the pain that encircles you and changing how you see it.

Love is a powerful tool, but the only one we can truly count on to wield it masterfully is ourselves and too often we forget that it is best used on ourselves... especially when we have entrusted others with it. Sadly, they become complacent in it's care, it gets a little bent or rusty, and then it doesn't quite hold up for the job when neglect has happened and it is handed back to us for self-application. You trusted him to keep it well-maintained and are now disappointed and hurt in addition to holding the tool that you're not quite sure how to use for yourself at the moment.

No better time like the present to relearn it's mastery. 

My first thought about the locks would be to notify local law enforcement, then hire a locksmith to let me back in to my home, and with an LEO presence, regain access to all I am entitled to.

His actions are a legal cornucopia of everything in your favor... let the lawyers do what most of them do best, protect your rights.

In the meantime, admit the truth to everyone... he broke your heart (for the moment), but not your spirit and find your authentic power (hint: it's not in him). He took advantage of you, he broke his vows, he intentionally has tried to hurt you... this is not love on his part.

Your love is not misplaced, but right now, it is misapplied. Giving effort to something that will not benefit is a wonderful practice as long as what you are giving it to does not hurt you... this does, so time to dial it back a little. Of course you love him, or what used to be him, can you love what he has become? 

I would think not... but the man he was and you respected, keep that idea of love in your pocket for the times you want to think of how kind you can be for someone who returns your respect, your passion, your patience, and your love, realizing that for love to grow, it must be returned in-kind.

That's the love you want for yourself.

Sadly, he may not be able to provide that for you again. This is where acceptance kicks it in the pants...

To focus on thinking straight for your best interest, place yourself in a position of non-judgemental strength... what is happening in your life is not good or bad, fair or unfair. It just is. What acceptance helps us do is learn to deal with life-changing obstacles like abandonment, betrayal, or loss. This may seem silly to many, but it is far from passive, it's a training ground for clarity and action as you begin collecting all the things due you as you proceed through what may be the inevitability... divorce.

But if you do not divorce, it also gives you the foundation for seeing that he is staying with you for all the right reasons... and they must be the right reasons because if they aren't, letting go is required.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst... loving yourself more every step.


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## queenmary (Apr 15, 2017)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @queenmary
> 
> Are you okay financially? Do you have a place to stay if it is unbearable to be at your marital home. I mean, what if his girlfriend is living there right now?
> 
> ...


Yes, I am ok financially and I'm staying at a family members house. I have lots of friends and family support.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

queenmary said:


> thanks for your words....again I'm having a hard time with the harshness of some of the responses.


Dang.....and I hadn't even replied until now. I'm not known for my sugary sweet posts; I leave that to the bleeding hearts. :grin2:

QM, just remember to* respect *yourself at all times going forward. A man whose willing to treat you like you're some kind of squatter in your own home and throw you out to the wolves by changing the locks is a *despicable *excuse for a human being. I don't care_ how_ much you love him - that doesn't negate the TRUTH. You need to face it and stop looking at him with your rose-colored glasses.

You've allowed an incredible amount of disrespect from him and yet you still defend him here. I'd really be curious what you'd tell your 26 year old daughter (if you had one) if she came to you telling you her husband had locked her out of the house during the wee hours of the morning with only the shirt on her back, then told her she needs to move on because he's unhappy and has found someone new and she needs to find somewhere else to stay.

What would you tell her? You'd tell her EXACTLY what we've all been saying to you.

And whatever you do, please respect yourself and DON'T do the 'pick me dance,' begging him to come back to you. That's about as degrading as it gets.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And whatever you do, please respect yourself and DON'T do the 'pick me dance,' begging him to come back to you. *That's about as degrading as it gets.*


Not to mention it rubs the cheater the wrong way. The pick me dance is classic fixer mentality and very codependent. Very poor coping mechanisms that should be eradicated as of yesterday.

If you have a good counselor, those are one of the first things he/she needs to work with you to fix in YOU. Sadly, you have to allow it. You are focused on fixing a marriage that is dead. 

Rebuilding a new one is possible "only" if your WS is remorseful and sees how important it is to get that marriage back. You can't fix anything without him and his willingness to go into it 100%. Half assing it won't cut it. You going into this pulling all the weight he should be pulling is half assing it as well as him not doing the heavy lifting or not going into 100%.

It's what we all call here a "fake reconciliation". Be weary that you don't fall into that trap. The only thing you win with that is wasted time. 

Just go back and read some of the posters on the CWI part of this forum. 

Your reaction is not unique, the majority of us tried it to no avail. I did it for a month, some do it for months, years, or never get out. That doesn't change the truth. The marriage died on d-day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Why are you telling her to read books about fixing the marriage when she can't even get back in her house?!!


You really need to back off. I'm not sure why you think you are the post police around here but you have been doing this a lot lately.

Not that I need to explain anything to you... but just to show how much you don't know about what is going on ........ On another thread, she said that she was going to read "His Needs, Her Needs". So I explained to her that this was not the first book she needs to read. 

By the way, she is getting back into her home. That was the first thing I suggested that she do. She's doing it.

I know that for you, the only solution you have for any betrayed spouse is for them to end the marriage, burn all bridges, and take no prisoners, etc.

But the OP said that she wants to try to recover her marriage, she has a right to decide what she wants to do with her life.

Demanding that a person do what you want her to do and coming out with a 2x4 to beat it into them is the quickest way to drive a poster who is in a fragile situation off of TAM. It happens constantly.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

QM, I had a hard time with the tough love style of many of the posters here on TAM when my ex first left me. It's not that they were wrong, it was just that I was so completely raw. For some people tough love isn't useful. Here is the knowledge that was useful. First, I had to grieve my husband as if was dead. The person he was no longer exists. Now somebody else is in his body, and despite appearances that new person is not your husband. The others thing that really helped me was the realization that's I was not alone. Other people have walked this path before and survived. It's been almost 3 years for me, and I still miss the man he was. But he is not that man anymore. The person he is now is a cheater and a liar. I don't really understand why he became that person, but he did. In terms of practical advice, get a lawyer and follow their advice. Do not trust yourself to make the best decisions for you. Get a good counselor and a good lawyer. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

queenmary said:


> Yes, I am ok financially and I'm staying at a family members house. I have lots of friends and family support.


Do and your husband have separate finances? Or do you also have joint accounts?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You really need to back off. I'm not sure why you think you are the post police around here but you have been doing this a lot lately.
> 
> Not that I need to explain anything to you... but just to show how much you don't know about what is going on ........ On another thread, she said that she was going to read "His Needs, Her Needs". So I explained to her that this was not the first book she needs to read.
> 
> ...


Your right. I just don't want to see this poor woman make her self any more vulnerable then she already is.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*QM ~ Seems I'm habitually late to the party, but your H really can't legally do that to you!

Where are/were you living when he changed the locks out on you?

If you haven't already done so, please consult with a good "piranha" family law attorney to explore all of your many joint property rights! It's most ascertainable that he could well be the one thrown out of the house when this gets to court ~ not that you'd want to necessarily continue living there anyway!

Welcome to TAM! So sorry to see you here but you've come to the best possible venue for help, understanding, and advice!*


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Two things you need to realize in life if you want to be healthy. For all of the wonderfulness of love, there are more important things in life than love. It is more important that you are treated with decency and respect then even your love for your husband. Love is not enough to make a good marriage. Despite what the songs and poems tell us, love is not enough to live on.
> 
> The second thing is that everything ends. Relationships end. It is painful but it is a part of life. You do yourself grave harm if you hold onto something that is unhealthy for you because you don't want to experience the pain of the ending. Holding on to something that is dead just prolongs the pain. If you are incapable at this point to see your marriage as over. At least see the man who you married as over. This person who has done this terrible thing to you is a new person. He killed your husband.


This is excellent advice. And I'd add to that, that it's important to learn some things about yourself during this time, too. Why are you so eager to stay in a bad marriage? Why are you so eager to run back to a guy who betrayed you, and locked you out of the house? I have a feeling there's lots more to the story than this, people don't just change over night. They don't go from loving amazing husbands, to locking their wives out and banging their coworker. I have a feeling your husband ''changed'' a long time ago, and his affair is just a symptom of something greater.

So, to me, this a learning opportunity in that it's time to look at yourself, look at what you want out of life, and heal. This will be hard to work through, but sometimes these things happen to show us how strong we are.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

QM, please take to heart the advice you received about learning why you are wanting to save a marriage to a man who would do this to you. 

My first marriage ended much the same as your situation. I wasted literally years because I refused to answer that question. It would have meant accepting that my whole marriage had been a lie because I never truly knew the person I was married to....And that was just too damn painful. I spent years in kind of a trance state of denial trying to avoid that pain. I was finally able, with the help of the right counselor and medications that I was finally able to feel that crushing pain, work my way through it and come out on the other side. But in the meantime, I was not able to accomplish anything good for myself or my kids. I am still trying to make up that lost time.

I am not saying you need to have everything figured out tomorrow...Or next year even. Just don't find that comfortably numb spot where moving back is not an option and moving forward is too painful and unpack there. 

The fact that you still love your husband does not change the fact that he has done something abhorrent to you. Why do you love someone who could do that to you? 

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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Nice to hear that you have support from Family and Friends. I am sorry if I offended you saying your Husband is a fool but I belive lots of your friends told you the same. 

You want to save your Marriage and I can understand that. You love him,spend almost all of your life together but you have to realize you cant "win him back". 

He have to apologize for all his actions,then prove to you that he is sorry,remorseful and will never do this again. 

In your case it is going to be hard because he is acting like he is moved on. Also dont forget about his job. If you want to stay together he must change his job because other woman is working there. No Contact with her no matter what.

His Affair is a long one. You dont just kick your Spouse out of the House for a one night stand. They planned to live there,in your House. 

Remember this is not your fault.

Stay strong my Lady.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> To focus on thinking straight for your best interest, place yourself in a position of non-judgemental strength...* what is happening in your life is not good or bad, fair or unfair. It just is. *What acceptance helps us do is learn to deal with life-changing obstacles like abandonment, betrayal, or loss. This may seem silly to many, but it is far from passive, it's a training ground for clarity and action




Emerging,

I realize the above quote is only a section of your kind, well meant post.

But, with regards to what I bolded, how can what is happening to OP be neither bad or good, just or unjust.

I don't understand Buddhism [obviously], so I'm assuming [probably in error??] that these are Buddhist teachings; and it _is_ interesting.

But just from a gut-level, empirical view of life; I think some things *are* bad, good, just or unjust.

It is bad and unjust that OP's husband threw her out of her house. It is not neutral. Right?

I'm not starting an argument. I loved the benevolence I sensed in your post. I just don't see how there can be an absence of moral value in such a situation.

@queenmary

Sorry, I don't mean to threadjack by getting offtrack on philosophical issues.

You are saying that you still love your husband; and folks here are asking how you can still love someone who would treat you so egregiously bad.

Do you mean you are still physically in love with him? Like, still find him handsome, it's thrilling when he touches you?

If so, it's really important to have as little-to-no in person contact with him as possible.

Hormones and physical attraction make it very difficult to think clearly and logically.

And, I am truly sorry for you if you do still love your husband on a physical level. It's awful that he still has that hold over you. That would give him too much power.


Hope you're doing well; I mean as well as can be expected under the circumstances----sleeping, eating regularly, and so forth.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Emerging,
> 
> I realize the above quote is only a section of your kind, well meant post.
> 
> ...



Argument? Heavens no!

The more I practice Buddhism the more I seek to remove suffering and the mechanisms that bring it... good or bad, just or unjust, are labels of judgement we apply to balance the things that are happening to us in our lives. Of course things are easily defined based on if they make us happy or sad, our lives easier or harder, heartfelt or heartache, and it is easier to accept when it is on the positive but when the negative knocks us for a loop we need those "is that so?" moments so we are not defined by our pain and discomfort but more by our ability to look past that which hurts us and see that while it may be in the way, it is nothing that will stop us from taking that next step to a better way.

In the end, do I want to give credence to others that try to impose suffering on me, or do I see it for what it is... an attempt to throw me off my path of mindful goals.

I understand how it may seem closer to the vest and inapplicable with someone you love and are in a relationship with, in their worst they cause suffering beyond measure because you are open trusting, exposed and vulnerable as love should be, but in the end we have to ask ourselves at those times they are at their worst without judgement "if you do not want to be with me, please go find the happiness you need", and then love ourselves more. 

Judgement tells us we are owed something, and in those moments of pain and disappointment the sooner we can realize that we will not get it from those that hurt us, it is much better to let go than to dwell on that which is no longer attainable in what used to be a loving relationship.

It isn't an absence... it is a replacement of something that was lost, then found again in ourselves.


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