# Financial incentive for sex in marriage



## Strattec (Apr 27, 2013)

I'm curious what others on this discussion board think about my situation.

My wife doesn't like sex much, but I do. She doesn't make too much money, and asks money often from me. I decided to make a deal with her in that if we have sex at least 10 times a month, I'll give her $150. She agreed and so for the past year it has been working well.

I know it makes her seem like a hooker, but since she's my wife, I don't see it like that. Does anyone else have a similar arrangement?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

So you pay your wife for sex, an extremely low rate even.

I don't understand how this is satisfactory for you.
Don't you care if your wife wants and desires you?

Why not skip the marriage thing and get a hooker and a maid?
Cheaper in the long run.


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## wifeandmummy (Aug 20, 2012)

wow...just wow.


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## Strattec (Apr 27, 2013)

If I didn't think of this deal, then we would be having a lot less sex. I give her money sometimes to buy clothes or do her nails. It's really no big deal for me. We do love each other, it's just this is something that we have.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Wouldn't have worked in my marriage... All our finances were shared, even though I was often the sole provider. But it sounds an awful lot like prostitution. Even at $15 bucks a pop...

C


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## wifeandmummy (Aug 20, 2012)

Iv just come back to this one...I dont understand how it seems ok to be honist? she wont have sex with you becuase its what you/her want within your marriage but she will for cash? Isnt part of mariage pleasing each other and making compromises for the sake of each others happiness? Im just confused why she would relent for sex for money but not for the sake of your marriage!


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

I'm curious as to how else you demean her. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, if she's cool with her husband treating her like a wh0re, who are we to judge? But it would probably be cheaper, as Tacoma suggested, to hire a maid and see a prostitute.

Seriously, though, whether you see it that way or not, people on the outside see you as treating her like a prostitute by paying her for sex....and the fact that she accepts money for sex, well, that makes her a prostitute.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Not sure I actually believe this one and usually don't reply to posters that come in with a controversial first post but....

JIC this is real, you are financially abusing your wife and treating her like a very very very low paid prostitute. 

You have some serious self esteem issues if you think paying your wife for sex is a good thing. She has self esteem issues for agreeing.

Is there any love in your marriage?


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

LOL. I'd ask for at least $100 a f*ck.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Lionlady said:


> LOL. I'd ask for at least $100 a f*ck.


And I guess it would be tax free. At that rate I stand to make about $1000 per week 

Actually it is a little fantasty of mine to be paid for it, but I digress. OP you got some weird **** going on in your house, good luck with it all.


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## Snow cherry (Apr 24, 2013)

I don't get all the negative replies. If it works for them then what's the problem. Though if I was the wife, I'd want more money than that..I first thought it was $150 per time and thought wow I'd love that...Sephora here I come..literally.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

Strattec said:


> I'm curious what others on this discussion board think about my situation.
> 
> My wife doesn't like sex much, but I do. She doesn't make too much money, and asks money often from me. I decided to make a deal with her in that if we have sex at least 10 times a month, I'll give her $150. She agreed and so for the past year it has been working well.
> 
> I know it makes her seem like a hooker, but since she's my wife, I don't see it like that. Does anyone else have a similar arrangement?


If it works for the two you, you're both ok with it, then it's fine. Do you feel it makes her seem like a hooker? It doesn't. It's nothing more than an agreement between a husband and a wife, and it works for your marriage. Your happy, she's happy, and that's all that matters. You don't need to look for opinions or an amen corner. Be grateful for what you have. Oh, and I have friends who do the same thing.

And for goodness sakes, don't allow anyone to make you second-guess what is working just fine.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

tacoma said:


> So you pay your wife for sex, an extremely low rate even.
> 
> I don't understand how this is satisfactory for you.
> Don't you care if your wife wants and desires you?
> ...


Did you read this part of his post??? "Does anyone else have a similar arrangement?"

That was his one and only question. He didn't ask *anyone* for advice and certainly didn't ask to be judged.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I think you should ask her about getting a frequent customer stamp card...you know...where something like every 10th lay is free

I'm presuming this is a troll...if not, well if it works, it works...EVERY single type of human relationship is fundamentally transactional...this arrangement (if true) is just rather unromantically overt in acknowledging that fact

(Personally, it's the bargain price you've settle on that would kill me...my pride would never allow it)

I made more babysitting...


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

My wife and I are married. I work while she is a stay at home Mom. All money that I make is OUR money. She can spend it whenever she wants. It just seems odd that your wife asks you for money.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Totally agree INTD, that is why I said it was financial abuse. he is controlling the money.
Instead of working together and finding out why their sex life is not satisfying he holds monetary reward over her head. So very dysfunctional.


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## Strattec (Apr 27, 2013)

Sussieq said:


> If it works for the two you, you're both ok with it, then it's fine. Do you feel it makes her seem like a hooker? It doesn't. It's nothing more than an agreement between a husband and a wife, and it works for your marriage. Your happy, she's happy, and that's all that matters. You don't need to look for opinions or an amen corner. Be grateful for what you have. Oh, and I have friends who do the same thing.
> 
> And for goodness sakes, don't allow anyone to make you second-guess what is working just fine.


Thanks. It's good to know you also have friends that do something similar. I've always felt like I was possibly the only one that had such an agreement in my marriage. My post was intended to see if by chance, anyone on this board did something similar. 

My wife is not a prostitute, even though some have accused her to be like that. I'm a bit surprised at the negative responses to my post. I don't see her as that because we're married and in every marriage, there is an exchange or agreement sometimes.

I don't see how this is different from a wife saying if you buy me this dress, we'll have sex or a wife in general, using sex as a reward for when a husband does chores or other things for her. I understand that it is not right way for a marriage to run. I'm just doing what I can to get my needs met.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I don't think you have a healthy relationship at all. 

If you are the sole provider hopefully it's because you can afford to be? Is your wife terrible with money? Why aren't you discussing and making financial decisions together? 

And why doesn't your wife want you? You have to pay your own wife for sex. That's pretty sad. Sad tat you see her as a commodity and sad that she doesn't value herself enough or is desperate for money.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Paying your wife for sex?

Yeeesh. What will they think of next? I know, I'll pay for my wife to have sex with another woman and I can join in, what fun!!!!!!

I wouldn't do that ever.

Marriage is supposed to be a loving situation and giving to each others needs. Not here's money and I need this much sex.

It would of been cheaper for you to be single and hire prostitutes than to be married and then pay for sex.

Prostitutes, escorts, get paid certain amount of money for sex. You pay your wife for sex. No difference.


She chose to be a stay at home mom and have the kids. Didn't have to and could of worked instead.

When the kids are in high school, she can get a part time job and start to make the money and have that income at her disposal.

So, no he isn't holding the money over her head. She chose to have kids and be a stay at home mom, no one forced her!!!

Having kids is the greatest gift any woman can give, life.


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## Strattec (Apr 27, 2013)

Before our deal, we only had sex maybe once a month. If all it took was some extra cash to have more and it's something I can easily afford, then why not? It's like her allowance. 

I know this sounds bad on the outside. It was my solution to prevent a sexless marriage that for now is working.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Strattec said:


> Before our deal, we only had sex maybe once a month. If all it took was some extra cash to have more and it's something I can easily afford, then why not? *It's like her allowance. *
> 
> I know this sounds bad on the outside. It was my solution to prevent a sexless marriage that for now is working.


Wow... now that makes her sound like a child. Even better.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Meh, I don't find this shocking or degrading or necessarily an indication of a bad marriage. We're not given a lot of information about the marriage, and it's hard to draw a conclusion from this sort of detail. If his wife is LD and they have an otherwise respectful and emotionally intimate relationship, I don't see the harm in this arrangement. Maybe it helps her feel like she has some say in their sex life, instead of her just being expected (or feeling pressured) to have sex when her HD husband wants it. Maybe it helps her husband feel less guilty about asking (or at least less reluctant to ask) for sex more often. 

Maybe it's what is saving their marriage, who knows? If it's consensual and an mutually satisfying arrangement, what's the big deal?

For the record, my husband has playfully pulled out a twenty when he's been randy for a BJ at a time that wasn't all that convenient for me . . . and I'm not a ***** and it didn't make me feel like one.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Strattec said:


> Before our deal, we only had sex maybe once a month. If all it took was some extra cash to have more and it's something I can easily afford, then why not? It's like her allowance.
> 
> I know this sounds bad on the outside. It was my solution to prevent a sexless marriage that for now is working.


What happened to looking at WHY she doesn't want to have sex? Resentments, hormonal issues, etc. You are just shoving the real issues under the rug by giving money for sex, this may not work for the long term. It does not sound like finances are shared equally, he is just using finances to get more sex instead of properly negociating finances in the marriage.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Sussieq said:


> Did you read this part of his post??? "Does anyone else have a similar arrangement?"
> 
> That was his one and only question. He didn't ask *anyone* for advice and certainly didn't ask to be judged.


That's the risk you take when you post on a public forum.

Deal with it.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Maybe it's just my fragile ego talking but I like to believe my partner has sex with me because she enjoys having sex with me. The thought I would have to provide an incentive for her to have sex with me is abhorrent. I wouldn't be with her if that was the case.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I don't think you have a healthy relationship at all.
> 
> If you are the sole provider hopefully it's because you can afford to be? Is your wife terrible with money? Why aren't you discussing and making financial decisions together?
> 
> And why doesn't your wife want you? You have to pay your own wife for sex. That's pretty sad. Sad tat you see her as a commodity and sad that she doesn't value herself enough or is desperate for money.


:Iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I don't think you have a healthy relationship at all.
> 
> If you are the sole provider hopefully it's because you can afford to be? Is your wife terrible with money? Why aren't you discussing and making financial decisions together?
> 
> And why doesn't your wife want you? You have to pay your own wife for sex. That's pretty sad. Sad tat you see her as a commodity and sad that she doesn't value herself enough or is desperate for money.


Totally agree. :iagree:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Strattec...the problem with your arrangement is that it shows that your wife doesn't desire you AND that you are ok with not being desired. This won't be sustainable over the long run.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nope, I've never had this arrangement.

How much are you going to pay her to have a child for you?

And $15 a lay is way too low.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Is this worse than the wife bartering sex for her husband to treat her better or meet her needs?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> Is this worse than the wife bartering sex for her husband to treat her better or meet her needs?


No, it's exactly the same cold shallow lack of desire sexuality.

Don't know how one could live like this.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Is this worse than the wife bartering sex for her husband to treat her better or meet her needs?


It's an easy target for people to attack.

My wife just gave me a BJ and I am doing exactly what she wants, which was to drive her to meet a guy who is selling her a set of professional barber clippers that she found on Craigslist.

And geez, I am only too happy to do that. 

It took her less than two minutes and my assignment is going to take over an hour later today.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I just don't get it. You'd probably have still do e that without the BJ right? Marriage isn't about tit for tat. 

If you love someone, you do things to make them happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Complete agreement. Marriage isn't supposed to be tit for tat or paying your spouse for sex. You're to do these things unconditionally for your SO because you want them, think they're hot, love them, etc. Otherwise, why stay married?

What I see are women that give their men sex to get them to do things for them, control them. Or paying for sex? Cheaper to be single and hire escorts and they'd do a much better job at sex and look hotter as well.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

In a lot of threads it seems to me like its implied that sex is somehow a "gift" a woman bestows on a man. He has to in one way or another "earn" it. To me it should be a mutually beneficial experience. Both parties should desire it. 

Sure...you're not both going to desire it equally at the same point in time however you should both want it. If having sex with your spouse is a chore there is a problem.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> And $15 a lay is way too low.


I guess that depends on how good she is. Pay for performance. Perhaps she can earn a tip by going above and beyond.

Whatever.

OP, I'm afraid that this is a short term solution at best. I think that eventually she'll wake up to what's happening and this whole thing will come back to haunt you. When she realizes that you have treated her like a prostitute, how can you possibly answer her demand to know why? I mean, if you stop it yourself you've got a fighting chance. But if she stops it 10 years from now? You'll have no chance at all. And worse, she'll be right!


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I guess that depends on how good she is. Pay for performance. Perhaps she can earn a tip by going above and beyond.
> 
> Whatever.
> 
> OP, I'm afraid that this is a short term solution at best. I think that eventually she'll wake up to what's happening and this whole thing will come back to haunt you. When she realizes that you have treated her like a prostitute, how can you possibly answer her demand to know why? I mean, if you stop it yourself you've got a fighting chance. But if she stops it 10 years from now? You'll have no chance at all. And worse, she'll be right!


Dang straight...if this is the best solution he came up with I feel sorry for him...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Strattec (Apr 27, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> And $15 a lay is way too low.


Well, my point was to minimize the part where I'm giving her money for sex. Had it been more, then it makes this arrangement seem exactly like prostitution in my eyes. If it's less, it's no big deal.

My wife likes this arrangement. She enjoys sex with me because she has multiple orgasms every time. She just sees it as a way for her to get more money.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Strattec said:


> Well, my point was to minimize the part where I'm giving her money for sex. Had it been more, then it makes this arrangement seem exactly like prostitution in my eyes. If it's less, it's no big deal.
> 
> My wife likes this arrangement. She enjoys sex with me because she has multiple orgasms every time. She just sees it as a way for her to get more money.


If it was that good for her won't she do it for free? And, again, why is she in a position of always having to ask you for extra money?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Strattec said:


> Well, my point was to minimize the part where I'm giving her money for sex. Had it been more, then it makes this arrangement seem exactly like prostitution in my eyes. If it's less, it's no big deal.
> 
> My wife likes this arrangement. She enjoys sex with me because she has multiple orgasms every time. She just sees it as a way for her to get more money.


So, what amount would you consider it prostitution? This is really beyond my comprehension. If I had to pay my husband to have sex with me... forget that. I'd never pay him to have sex with me. Why should I pay him money that is OURS? That's right. Any money that comes in is ours, not his, not mine. I do online earning stuff. I do it all. He does none of it. Does that mean he is not entitled to any of it? Absolutely not. ANY financial gains earned belong to the two of us, not just one. I can't imagine having to ask him for money every time I want something, or I want to go to the store. Same with him. If I paid him any money to have sex, it would make him a male prostitute. Sorry, that's what it is. Money for sex = prostitution. Doesn't matter if it's $15 or $150. And if he ever came to me with that suggestion, I'd respond with divorce papers. No way will I stay married to a man who thinks nothing more of me than hired sex. Seriously, I cannot wrap my mind around why someone would be ok with this. It makes absolutely no sense to me.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> I just don't get it. You'd probably have still do e that without the BJ right? Marriage isn't about tit for tat.
> 
> If you love someone, you do things to make them happy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perfect example of framing things in the worst light possible. 

"tit for tat" is defined as "equivalent retaliation"

My wife and I both do something nice for each other and you try to make it sound malicious. That's just you going out of your way to try framing something nice as something bad.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> If you love someone, you do things to make them happy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you really love someone making them happy makes YOU happy.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Ok so to give you the benefit of a doubt.

Is this arrangement really so your wife gets more money or does this feed into some type of fantasy?

My wife wanted the kitchen remodeled, I jokingly told her it would cost her a blow job for every $100.00 of the contractors bill.
After the remodel there were a few times she "officially submitted payment" but it was all in fun.

So, this is seriously source of income for the wife?


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

Strattec said:


> Thanks. It's good to know you also have friends that do something similar. I've always felt like I was possibly the only one that had such an agreement in my marriage. My post was intended to see if by chance, anyone on this board did something similar.
> 
> My wife is not a prostitute, even though some have accused her to be like that. I'm a bit surprised at the negative responses to my post. I don't see her as that because we're married and in every marriage, there is an exchange or agreement sometimes.
> 
> I don't see how this is different from a wife saying if you buy me this dress, we'll have sex or a wife in general, using sex as a reward for when a husband does chores or other things for her. I understand that it is not right way for a marriage to run. I'm just doing what I can to get my needs met.


The exchange of goods and services exists, yes, even in a marriage. Most of us know this. The beauty of a happy, stable marriage is that we take care of each other. It doesn't matter if it's sex, cooking, cleaning, etc. Showing your spouse how much you appreciate him/her can be anything you feel the person will enjoy. My husband knows I love jewelry, so he surprises me with nice jewelry. Sometimes I'll find a nice, fat envelope with cash for a handbag I just have to have. I know surprising him with his favorite meal, or tickets to a jazz festival for him and a buddy make him happy. So it's what I do for him.

As far as the negative comments you received, forget about them. What I've seen on these boards is that some want to make others miserable, like them. Some thrive on being negative, just because. Others are probably in unhappy marriages, and project their frustrations onto others. Some are control freaks who need to put a label on everything, while some are just rude. 

A thinking person knows marriage is not one-size-fits-all. Again, if it works for the two of you and you're happy, that's what matters.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Sussieq said:


> The exchange of goods and services exists, yes, even in a marriage. Most of us know this. The beauty of a happy, stable marriage is that we take care of each other. It doesn't matter if it's sex, cooking, cleaning, etc. Showing your spouse how much you appreciate him/her can be anything you feel the person will enjoy. My husband knows I love jewelry, so he surprises me with nice jewelry. Sometimes I'll find a nice, fat envelope with cash for a handbag I just have to have. I know surprising him with his favorite meal, or tickets to a jazz festival for him and a buddy make him happy. So it's what I do for him.
> 
> As far as the negative comments you received, forget about them. What I've seen on these boards is that some want to make others miserable, like them. Some thrive on being negative, just because. Others are probably in unhappy marriages, and project their frustrations onto others. Some are control freaks who need to put a label on everything, while some are just rude.
> 
> A thinking person knows marriage is not one-size-fits-all. Again, if it works for the two of you and you're happy, that's what matters.


Taking care of each other, yes. You said that you do things because you know your husband likes them or they'll make him happy. 

That's not a literally transactional-based relationship which is what is being described in OP's post.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

If this truly became the social trend, then just chalk me up as being so damn poor that I couldn't even afford her!

Sounds way too much like my wealthy STBXW! She's literally demanding thousands from me, that I don't have, for our 7-1/2 years of marriage together, all while she was busy playing around with two boyfriends on the side!

Obviously she must have a rather inflated opinion of her sexual prowess. If memory serves me right, I don't really believe that it was anywhere close to being that good!


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> Taking care of each other, yes. You said that you do things because you know your husband likes them or they'll make him happy.
> 
> That's not a literally transactional-based relationship which is what is being described in OP's post.


Not literal in the sense that we put it label on it. But it's still the same exchange of goods and services.

I have a friend whose husband lays money on the dresser for her. When she sees the money, she knows she'll have some work to do that night. 
They've had this arrangement for 10 years, and they both love it. They have a happy marriage, and love each other deeply. You'll seldom see one without the other. It started off a joke between them when she lost some interest in sex. She was perfectly ok with it. It's an agreement (like the OP) between a husband and wife.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Sussieq said:


> Not literal in the sense that we put it label on it. But it's still the same exchange of goods and services.
> 
> I have a friend whose husband lays money on the dresser for her. When she sees the money, she knows she'll have some work to do that night.
> They've had this arrangement for 10 years, and they both love it. They have a happy marriage, and love each other deeply. You'll seldom see one without the other. It started off a joke between them when she lost some interest in sex. She was perfectly ok with it. It's an agreement (like the OP) between a husband and wife.


So, in a nutshell, they use money instead of getting to the problem of why the wife doesn't want sex anymore? Instead of discussing the issue to address the actual problem, just throw some money on the dresser so wifey will put out? That's like putting a band aid over a broken arm and wishing it will heal by itself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Strattec said:


> My wife doesn't like sex much, but I do.
> 
> She doesn't make too much money, and asks money often from me.
> 
> ...


Has anyone considered that the wife might find this arrangement sexually stimulating?

He was already giving her money. He's probably not giving her any more money now than he was in their pre-arrangement days. In other words, she's really not profiting more financially by playing the prostitute than she was in the past.

But, she is more interested in sex (when she was not interested at all before).

Now, as a general rule, I would agree with most people here that paying your wife for sex is a bad idea. But, if what is actually happening here is you are just playing out one of her fantasies, then I'm not sure it's a problem.

I would try and clarify and get it out in the open whether this is actually the case. If so, then you might want to extend it to include some husband/wife role playing. 

But, if it's the case that she's just having sex for the money, that's a problem. But, given that she doesn't seem to actually be profiting by this arrangement (vs their old one where he just gave her money) there might be another reason she for her participation in this scheme.


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## Strattec (Apr 27, 2013)

Sussieq said:


> Not literal in the sense that we put it label on it. But it's still the same exchange of goods and services.
> 
> I have a friend whose husband lays money on the dresser for her. When she sees the money, she knows she'll have some work to do that night.
> They've had this arrangement for 10 years, and they both love it. They have a happy marriage, and love each other deeply. You'll seldom see one without the other. It started off a joke between them when she lost some interest in sex. She was perfectly ok with it. It's an agreement (like the OP) between a husband and wife.


Wow, that's just like what we do. So I'm not the only one that's thought of it.


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## Hailey2009 (Oct 27, 2012)

Must admit, part of me is troubled and another part is going on a mental, guilt-free shopping trip ...


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Hailey2009 said:


> Must admit, part of me is troubled and another part is going on a mental, guilt-free shopping trip ...


That's the right attitude  

Zero problems if it works for them... Hell, I’ve bartered before. My vasectomy? Knew I was going to lose that argument, but still didn’t really want to do it.... So, I traded a lifetime supply of racing tires for my balls. We both giggle about it. I could buy tires without guilt, she doesn’t have to feel guilty I went under the scalpel instead of herself.... even though it was the right decision and we both knew it, we just sort of found some common ground that made it all that much easier to go through with without guilt or regrets or a ton of afterthoughts and reflections.

I know a ton of people who’ve done things like refinish the deck for a few “special menu selections” from their wives sexually... Think of all the ‘stupid stuff’ you’ve done to get into a girl’s pants. The offense seems to be money... is it really any different than a promise to do more chores around the house if she’d work on having sex more often? She wants, he wants, they found a solution where they both get what they want without manipulations or a playing a “duty card”.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Hey Racer--hasn't your wife gotten the memo that "racing dollars" don't count in the budget??

I thought it was the first order of racing orientation! I know after the first year my mom added up the costs of that particular hobby, she learned never to do that math again, terrible for the blood pressure!


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