# One last word to ex?



## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

For those of you that's been cheated on and have gone through a terrible divorce/ breakup..... Did you ever send the "one last word" email/letter to your ex?
I've now been separated for two months.
Long story short, my ex was a liar and a narcissist. 
We are filing for divorce soon and I couldn't help but be irritated with the correspondence. AS IF he is the superior one / did nothing wrong, etc. " Hi, I hope you are WELL...blah blah blah" (His family nor his friends have no idea what he had done....He is creating this appearance as though he is the victim who married a crazy pscho...)

The fact that he is saying "I hope you are well" irritates me because he KNOWS that I spent the last 12 months with him not being able to work due to visa issues (I moved for him from Canada to USA + used to have a successful career etc).
When we finally decided to divorce (after I found out about him cheating etc), I had no choice but to go back and live with my parents for a while as I had sold all my belongings (beds+furnitures etc) when moving in with my ex. He knows I am still living with my parents and struggling to put my life back together..

Most days I am feeling completely positive and ready to move on. But some days, I can't help but be so down and angry at my ex. I just don't think he feels sorry for me at all so I feel the need to remind him how he betrayed me....(I have not sent him anything negative before, if anything, I've only been nice and kept correspondence to a minimum).

The one last word to your ex....would you regret it forever if you send it? or would you regret it forever if you DON'T send it?

What have you done/ what do you think? 

(p.s. I don't have any kids / anything else that ties me to him once the paper work is done, I am done with him forever)


My draft below:


I hope you know that I wish you never proposed to me if you were screwing prostitutes behind my back despite the numerous times we talked about being exclusive. I hope you remember the times you blatantly lied to my face telling me “You have nothing to worry about. You’ll know right away when I’m lying because I’m a terrible liar”.
I hope you know that despite such betrayal, I tried to stay in our marriage to see if we can work on and fix the broken trust.
You can tell whatever stories to your family and friends but I know what really broke our marriage.

I hope you know that FOR YOU and FOR US, I sold everything I owned that cost thousands and gave up my career to be with you. I hope you remember that you not only got rid of me like your returned item, left me with nothing but a year of blank work experience to put on my resume. 
And oh yea, that stupid pieces of paper you wanted me to sign so you can save yourself from getting sued by me. Because you KNOW how screwed I am. 

I hope you’re glad that you got out of this one one up! Or maybe two! A new exciting career which I helped you get, 10k tax refund for “having a dependant”, and some more next year.
I know you are telling yourself again that “people serve a purpose” and that I’m just one of your “chapter”. I've always wanted to let you know what a messed up way to look at like that is. People are not in your life so they can serve you??? 

I hope you are enjoying your “lifestyle”. Shopping, lying, screwing people over and screwing she-males.

Cheers!


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Send it if it makes you feel better and copy in his family and friend. ))) JOKE!!!

Best thing you can do is get out as good as you can and forget about him, problem is it is hard to let things go, hard to be so wronged and see someone 'get away; with it all but he will never see things from your point of view, he will never care/understand and this will frustrate you more, you have to work towards letting go and looking to a better future without him.

Yes it sounds like he screwed you.

Yes he hurt you.

yes we can all see what he did was wrong.

Find a trusted friend or family member and vent to them, see a counselor but try and just work out your next steps.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Therelocatedwife said:


> For those of you that's been cheated on and have gone through a terrible divorce/ breakup..... Did you ever send the "one last word" email/letter to your ex?
> I've now been separated for two months.
> Long story short, my ex was a liar and a narcissist.
> We are filing for divorce soon and I couldn't help but be irritated with the correspondence. AS IF he is the superior one / did nothing wrong, etc. " Hi, I hope you are WELL...blah blah blah" (His family nor his friends have no idea what he had done....He is creating this appearance as though he is the victim who married a crazy pscho...)
> ...


I don't see anything wrong with it, you may regret not sending it if it's important to you but I highly doubt you would regret sending it after the fact. One last piece of your mind may give you some piece of mind, if it's just that, one last thing and then don't oblige the loser anymore and go NC.

But as you know, while giving you piece of mind may help you, if part of its intended purpose is to get him to see anything, you know that won't happen. Anything you send, say or show will simply fall flat because of the type of person he is. He may even get a kick out of it, thinking he is still on your mind in some shape or form.

I would write it out on paper, sort of like how you already did and then just read it to yourself for a period of time and think about sending it, changing the text, etc.

If it is therapeutic to you, after that, send it if you must but the best revenge would not to give that idiot the time of day and send him nothing, go dark on him. If you do send him something, I would send him something that was more empowering to you. I think again, in his warped mind, he is going to see this as him still occupying space in your head. Maybe one way to change that narrative is to let him know of the better life that awaits for you and in a sense the strength you have now and give him a few back handed compliments for making you a better person. I don't know that's just me.

I guess when it comes down to it, the most effective way for you to heal, move on and indirectly serve him the best revenge, is to go out and live a good life and find one of the many people out there that won't do what he did and will give you what you want and need and then some. The letter may fall short of what you want to accomplish with it but there's not a lot of harm that could be done with it either. Up to you .....


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Narcissists cannot HEAR. Your ex does not care about your PoV. You will just be adding more trouble for yourself.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If he really is a narcissist, all such correspondence will do is make him feel bigger. Confirmation that you still are not over him and how important he remains to you.

Leave the past in the past and move on. You are fortunate to be able to make a clean break with no further complications. Don't waste it looking back or dwelling on what you lost. You will recover and live a better life than would have been possible with the low life you were married to.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

So he's a narcissist and a cheater.

The best parting gift you can give him is massive exposure, his parent, friends, family, especially the OWHs, work, facebook, linkedin.

Narcissists hate people laughing at them.

Yes send a letter but to everyone EXCEPT HIM.

Tamat


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

zookeeper is 100% correct. Why give the ex anything.
Dump him have a party with your friends, and realize 
you never have to deal with him again. If you really need 
to get back at him post the party pictures on social media.
Have mutual friends tell him how much fun you had, and how 
over him you are. 

The best way to get back at an ex is to move on and become
10x better. Make him regret what he lost, and do not give him 
the satisfaction of knowing you are not over him.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Therelocatedwife said:


> For those of you that's been cheated on and have gone through a terrible divorce/ breakup..... Did you ever send the "one last word" email/letter to your ex?
> I've now been separated for two months.
> Long story short, my ex was a liar and a narcissist.
> We are filing for divorce soon and I couldn't help but be irritated with the correspondence. AS IF he is the superior one / did nothing wrong, etc. " Hi, I hope you are WELL...blah blah blah" (His family nor his friends have no idea what he had done....He is creating this appearance as though he is the victim who married a crazy pscho...)
> ...


Your husband sounds exactly like my wife, lol. She's lied to everyone, including her parents, about the reason for our divorce making it seem that I caused all our problems. There are plenty of people that know she's lying and even more that now know since I've spoken to them, including her parents, but she still stands by her "I did nothing wrong" attitude. I've thought about having "the last word" with her, but then when I thought about it, there isn't much point to it. I've been having more fun watching her do and say things in an attempt to upset me, and then becoming irate when it doesn't. She's trying to fight me tooth and nail over our finances because she knows what I'm entitled to and that if we were to go to court instead of mediation I would get everything I'm asking for and then some. Every time she tries to low ball me on something using made up numbers, I come right back at her with the actual numbers and shut her up, it's fantastic, I can almost see the smoke coming out of her her, lol.

The bottom line though, since you haven't filed for divorce yet, study up on the divorce laws in your area and get consultations with a couple attorneys' (the consultations are usually free). Then go through and nail down your financials and his the best you can. Get as much information about everything you are entitled to or may be entitled to, and then commit all of it to memory. Going through the divorce process it will drive him crazy when you have factual information and answers to anything and everything. In my case since my wife makes a higher income then me, it's her that needs to pay out to me on everything. She's trying every which way she can to get out of certain things but every excuse she gives I have a response to, to shut her down. Divorce really is a battle, you need to arm yourself with as much knowledge as you possibly can and then some.


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## PaulB (Jun 26, 2018)

There probably isn't a right or wrong answer to that. My advice would be to write the letter, revise it in a couple days or a week, and then put it in an envelope and tuck it away unsent. The letter is for you and not him anyway. 

After the divorce, there is life. This sounds so negative and selfish to say sometimes, but getting divorced was the best thing I could have done several years ago. You'll probably date a few *******s along the way, but there are good, non-toxic people out there. I didn't know if I'd ever let myself fall in love or ever get married again, but when I met my now wife, things just seemed to click in place. We don't have a perfect relationship...because people are all imperfect, but we have a healthy one. You deserve a healthy relationship. Put this toxic one behind you and never look back.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

One of my clients came up with a brilliant send off to his ex wife. On Divorce Day he had a dozen dead roses planted in a turd sent to his Ex Wife's office. He had a severed bull penis sent to her boyfriend. (Apparently he took it as a threat. We responded saying that he should give it to his ex wife to carry around in her purse, as his will join it when the divorce is final-he is being taken to the cleaners)


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Nope, no, nope, no, no. The only way to deal with a Narc is to never deal with them. NO CONTACT. Every single time you have contact with them, they view themselves as having "won." The only way to truly hurt them is to completely and totally disengage and cut them off.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> Narcissists cannot HEAR. Your ex does not care about your PoV. You will just be adding more trouble for yourself.


 THIS^^^ @Therelocatedwife
If you do decide to send your letter, remove the "Cheers" from your letter closing. Leave nothing as a last thought when he reads it except your true feelings.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hi @Therelocatedwife, I totally get where you're coming from, and yes, I wanted to do that same thing with my STBXH. In a nutshell, our marriage wasn't great, and we ended up being roommates. There was no cheating for either party, but there were times that he wasn't very nice to me. I also know that I wasn't the model wife either, and there were things that I did very wrong. But, in the end, he really didn't get it, and I don't know what he was telling his friends, but their questions to him were along the vein of "did you hit her?" Abuse doesn't always involve the physical, and in this relationship, I was mentally bruised. Him and his supporters thought he was perfect and had done nothing wrong, and I was desperate to let him know that he had ownership in our marriage and its demise. But, I took the high road. He's still probably clueless, but now I'm indifferent. I hope he's having an enjoyable life, and I hope he finds someone to share that life with. I don't feel the need to have that last word because my life has improved 10-fold since our separation. I still have my home and dogs (thanks, prenup!), my family and friends have been super-supportive, work is improving, and I've found someone who brings a lot of happiness to my already pretty damn happy life. Our relationship isn't perfect, just like both of us (and we're pretty different from one another), but we have respect and acceptance for those differences. Something that didn't exist in my former marriage. 

My advice to you: keep on keeping on. Put one foot in front of the other, and take life one day at a time. Some days will be hard, somedays will be very hard, but they get easier and happier. I know that the more space I get from my former marriage, the more I can see just how toxic it was, for both of us. Wishing you well and a future of bright days; take care of yourself!


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Magnesium said:


> Nope, no, nope, no, no. The only way to deal with a Narc is to never deal with them. NO CONTACT. Every single time you have contact with them, they view themselves as having "won." The only way to truly hurt them is to completely and totally disengage and cut them off.




So agree with this. My ex did the same to me. Be happy you are free from that rubbish. Best of luck, it does get better.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree with most of what others are saying, which is to write it, rewrite, rewrite it again and again, until it says exactly what you want it to say, then tuck it away or burn it. I was in the same place as you. I was married for 24 years, my ex left me and on the way out she seemed to go out of her way to inflict maximum damage to me. She staged the break up by pushing my buttons and continued to do it thru out. I was and remain angry about it. But stop and think about it - what is the purpose of the letter? Your ex won't care. In fact as others have said it will probably just make them feel bigger.
I have seen my ex wife three times since our divorce. All at events involving our children. The first was my step son's wedding. I could barely keep it together. I had to keep going up to my room to cry. The next time was at my daughter's wedding. I was a little more pulled together then. It helped that my family was there. But I was still broken up and quite frankly afraid of her. I had built her up in my mind to gigantic proportions. The last time was about a week ago at my grandson's first birthday. This time I was under control. I acted as if she didn't matter to me at all. On the way out the door I ran into her. She had this look of fear in her eyes. She mumbled a "hello" I merely said "Bye!" and walked out without looking back of stopping to chat.

I really wanted to say something. But I think my actions spoke louder than anything else. Take your ex of the pedestal and put him in the ground like he deserves.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

There is no doubt in my mind that he knows he screwed you over. He set out doing that for the precise purpose of doing that. But for you to actually TELL him that he screwed you and that you are devastated will only make him smile. No way would I give a person that kind of satisfaction. No way would I allow they have that much power over me.

I read this type of stuff all the time. Had you never heard about this type of thing happening? I don't know why women do this to themselves. How can anyone turn their lives upside down and throw away everything they worked their lives to achieve and obtain for a man they meet online and don't know any more about than what he tells them? You were trusting and wanted to be with someone. There's no fault in that, but you can't blame him for turning out to be the person that he is when you didn't take the time to find out. You just dropped everything and went, rather than taking several leaves of absences, vacations, and long weekends to spend the time with him to thoroughly check him out. It's really terrible that women rely so much on men's words and believe whatever men want them to think. You have to accept some of the responsibility in this that you made a terrible mistake to throw away everything and end up with nothing to be with him. You didn't look out for yourself. You didn't place any faith in yourself. You placed all your faith in him.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

StarFires said:


> There is no doubt in my mind that he knows he screwed you over. He set out doing that for the precise purpose of doing that. But for you to actually TELL him that he screwed you and that you are devastated will only make him smile. No way would I give a person that kind of satisfaction. No way would I allow they have that much power over me.
> 
> I read this type of stuff all the time. Had you never heard about this type of thing happening? I don't know why women do this to themselves. How can anyone turn their lives upside down and throw away everything they worked their lives to achieve and obtain for a man they meet online and don't know any more about than what he tells them? You were trusting and wanted to be with someone. There's no fault in that, but you can't blame him for turning out to be the person that he is when you didn't take the time to find out. You just dropped everything and went, rather than taking several leaves of absences, vacations, and long weekends to spend the time with him to thoroughly check him out. It's really terrible that women rely so much on men's words and believe whatever men want them to think. You have to accept some of the responsibility in this that you made a terrible mistake to throw away everything and end up with nothing to be with him. You didn't look out for yourself. You didn't place any faith in yourself. You placed all your faith in him.


Am I missing a backstory here?


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

*One last eword to ex?*

When he says " I hope you are well". Say back to him.... " I am....and in ways you will never know". then change your number.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Actually you need to send him two last words.
The second word should be off!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't send it. None of it will register with him.


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Thank you everyone for all your replies!!!

I very much appreciate everyone's input and I've decided to go with the option of writing out the email and not sending it... just sending it to myself for now.... I think it will definitely be very therapeutic to have it written down... But I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how I feel anymore.... He absolutely doesn't deserve it and has proven it is a waste of time... It is also so true that even if I sent the email to him, he could not careless!!!! To be honest, I know that somehow he is still having the ability to think that HE is the victim...He definitely thinks I'm the crazy b****. So there's no point. There's a screw missing in his brain so there's no use trying to remind him what he has done. No remorse. 

Also @ StarFires, not sure if you'd read this but I didn't meet my ex online. I met him in the City I lived in....No tinder, or match.com or any of those. I just met him sort of via work. We spent numerous days and even weeks together as often as we could... He and I spent hundreds and thousands of dollars going back and forth to visit each other while we were in LDR. SO MUCH time and effort was invested in this relationship...I met his family, colleagues, friends, etc before tying the knot. That's why I guess I never thought he could possibly be screwing PROSTITUTES..... TRANSGENDER may I add..... behind my back...especially after so many serious talks we had about being exclusive and our future etc..... 

It's a great life lesson truly. I'll be more careful going forward and I plan to get lots of counselling to heal from this process and avoid it in the future. What is truly scary in life as I'm learning.... is how someone you thought you could trust could do this to someone. I honestly think it's absolute pure evil..... It's deceitful, dishonest, and horrible. I guess that's what Narcissists and Sociopaths like my ex would do. But I've been so blessed with having such great people in my life, I never even KNEW people like this exist. Thought it was just in the movies. 

Anyways, thank you all SO much!


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Therelocatedwife said:


> For those of you that's been cheated on and have gone through a terrible divorce/ breakup..... Did you ever send the "one last word" email/letter to your ex?
> I've now been separated for two months.
> Long story short, my ex was a liar and a narcissist.
> We are filing for divorce soon and I couldn't help but be irritated with the correspondence. AS IF he is the superior one / did nothing wrong, etc. " Hi, I hope you are WELL...blah blah blah" (His family nor his friends have no idea what he had done....He is creating this appearance as though he is the victim who married a crazy pscho...)
> ...


He opens his emails with "hope you are well" because it's a standard polite greeting. He doesn't actually care, as you well know. And because he seems to be utterly lacking in empathy, he probably assumes that you ARE well, because he doesn't understand how his actions have affected you.

Writing back and ranting about how not well you actually are isn't going to give him a sudden magical epiphany. It makes zero difference to him, and thus should make no difference to you. There is absolutely nothing to regret or not regret, so the best thing to do is not respond because that's less effort directed towards him and more towards your own recovery.



Therelocatedwife said:


> Thank you everyone for all your replies!!!
> 
> I very much appreciate everyone's input and I've decided to go with the option of writing out the email and not sending it... just sending it to myself for now.... I think it will definitely be very therapeutic to have it written down... But I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how I feel anymore.... He absolutely doesn't deserve it and has proven it is a waste of time... It is also so true that even if I sent the email to him, he could not careless!!!! To be honest, I know that somehow he is still having the ability to think that HE is the victim...He definitely thinks I'm the crazy b****. So there's no point. There's a screw missing in his brain so there's no use trying to remind him what he has done. No remorse.
> 
> ...


Yup, people like him are the star/hero in their own movie, and everybody else is an extra whose only purpose is to enhance the hero's life. Once that purpose ends, they are supposed to walk off screen and never feature again in the movie. You may as well be a human-shaped robot who deactivates when out of his presence. To later receive a letter from the robot would be pointless to him.

This guy knew the lines he was supposed to say to you to forward the script, but he never felt anything behind them.


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## Ditch (Apr 16, 2014)

This will not give you the satisfaction that you are seeking. He obviously didn't care enough about you to not expose you to STD's or worse. Sending that letter will just make him laugh, knowing he got to you. Let it go. For your sake


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You still want him to "get it". You are the one who doesn't "get it". That's who he is.


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