# My marriage is a mess



## VirginiaGuy (May 14, 2009)

I'm at my wit's end with my marriage and figured I would turn to the power of the internet for some feedback.

Second marriage for both of us, no kids for either of us from first marriages, married 13 years now and we have one wonderful 11-year old son that we both love very much.When we met, I was living in Seattle and she was visiting as a tourist. She moved to Seattle to be with me. After a 2-year courtship, we got married and had our son another two years later.

After 9-11, I lost my job and my wife strongly suggested we move to Virginia to be closer to family. I loved living in Seattle more than anything and even without a job, I resisted her appeal to move. She landed a very good job in Virginia and that persuaded me to move.

After 8 years, I still feel homesick for Seattle and she feels I have held a grudge against her for all this time. To make matters worse, we went through some horrendous financial problems this past year. We lost our gorgeous home to foreclosure and declared bankruptcy.

We moved into a nice rental home and our son settled well into the new neighborhood, making friends and doing well in school. 

This happened last August. Both of us are gainfully employed but she started a new job in January. Since then, she has worked nonstop. When I say nonstop, I mean it. She has taken 5 days off work in the past 5 months. It's work that involves special events so she often works from 9am until 1am and every weekend. 

Sex has been sporadic ever since we moved to Virginia in 2001. If we make love 6x a year, I'd say that was about right. The past 4 months, there has been no intimacy at all.

This past week, I lost my temper with her as she is never here and said "whats the point of being married?" Well, she snapped and said that I never forgave her persuading me to leave Seattle and claims I blame her for the financial woes we went through. She said we no longer do anything together, have no common friends or hobbies and I complain about everything imaginable. 

She asked me to move out. I refused saying there was no need for me to move out as she was never there anyway. For the record, I don't think there is another man as I can call her and always hear noisy event activity in the background.

Anyway, she said she set up an appointment next week to discuss "her" situation with a counselor but doesn't want me to go with her.

Giving myself an honest self evaluation, I'm a good enough guy...great father, maintain the house and yard, do laundry, cook, clean etc. but she is right that I have been disrespectful and angry about our situation for a long time now. We've talked divorce many times in the past when this roller coaster ride of a marriage hits a low but this time she is serious.

Should I giver her more space? Should I move out? What should I do???


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm a fine one to be offering advice--I tried everything then finally filed for a divorce a few weeks ago. But, I can see things for a new prospective at this point. I strongly recommend individual counseling for you. You seem to be hanging on to some resentment over the move. In addition, the financial problems aren't helping. And the decision to save a marriage rest on one thing. Are both of you committed to saving the marriage? Without both partners agreeing to work on the marriage, it is futile and exhausting. Next, I recommend you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I can't stress that enough! Had I read that book 10 years ago, things would have ended much differently for me.

Good luck and may God bless you and your family!


----------



## martino (May 12, 2008)

VirginiaGuy,

You have to look at what you have. You and her are
communicating and she is making the time and effort 
to see a counselor those two things are great. Work 
out your issues with where you are living then see 
where you are at. Don't move out, give this some 
time. And yes buy that 5 Languages of Love book.


----------



## VirginiaGuy (May 14, 2009)

Thank you both for the book reference. I ordered it from Barnes & Noble tonight.


----------



## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

All i can say is love is more imprtant than money or where we live or anything if you and your wife truly love one another you both have to make consessions in your marriage you must be happy no matter where you live and be glad to have your family and your wife needs to cut back on work and make time for the family my recent breakup with my wife and her affair with another man whom she is now with gave me a total different perstective on life and love when they say you dont know what you got till its gone well it is really true what i see from just what you have told me is you are both puting other things before your spouse and i think the spouse and what is best for them should be the first priority so just maybe some prioritys are a llittle misguided something you should both think about I surely hope you to can resolve things I would just like to see someone save their marriage for once well GOD bless you and good luck


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

findingpeace-

Can you put you finger on when the sex went downhill the very first time? I'm asking you to cast your mind back to when it first became sporadic. I think that might be a clue to what is going on. I am guessing she is nursing a huge resentment over something.


----------

