# What do you think?



## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Of people that know about your spouses affair and did not tell you?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Not much. I did not have children, I discovered it 1 month in so it did not change much financially. She had been on a dating site for a month and talked about it for several months. Damn then for not giving me a heads up. Two couples WERE my long term to friends pre-marriage. I questions them why they failed to warn me. Did I beat her, treat her like shyt, etc? No, "you were so down about your job situation, we didn't want to add to it".

Well "were" my friends sums it up. For those with kids and/or suffered additional harm from not knowing - I would say those who know were posf (friend)


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I was very angry, my father knew and didn't tell me. I forgave my Dad, had to for my own peace.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Well a former friend of mine knew and I am pretty sure her mother knew as well. 

Its one thing if your trying to protect someone and help them. But they were letting me suffer and I was delusional that we were making up. Its sick and unforgivable.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Ugh there was a dozen if not more who knew I was being cheated on, and I never had a clue even missed the signs when I go back and think about things I get ah ha moments. Those people are no longer in my life either, some tried to say well I wasn't sure of he was cheating her so and so or not/ My answer really because you were hanging out with them. I felt betrayed by all my so called friends.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

I cut them out of my lives.


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## razze (Nov 26, 2015)

How could you possibly forgive anyone who kept that from you?

I sure couldn't.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

^ Forgiveness is for you, not for the other people.

It means you will let go of the desire/wish/thought of revenge, or hoping bad things will happen to them because they hurt you. I'm sure you can see that this hurts you much much more than it hurts the other person(s)...

So although to forgive is very difficult, we should try. For our own peace of mind and well-being.

HOWEVER - forgiveness does not mean you have to forget about it, and let those people back in to your life. You're not obligated to continue a friendship. I probably wouldn't let them back into my life.

This is how I feel about my husband's family. They hurt me a lot and for the longest time, I was SO ANGRY! There was a time I wished my mother in law would fall down the stairs and break her leg (awful I know)...but that's how angry I was. And then I heard news that she really did fall and kind of hurt herself although it was not serious...testament to the power of the universe! But I digress...my point is that I suffered more in hating them than they did in receiving my hate. I've forgiven them in the sense that I know they simply "are" the way they are and it's in the past, I'm not in that situation anymore. However, I will not let them hurt me again. I am not obligated to let them be an active part of my life. I have forgiven but I will not forget...at some point, self-preservation becomes very important. They never apologized, and I've never told them that I have forgiven them...it's enough that I no longer have nightmares about them and am able to start leading a reasonably productive, successful and peaceful life away from them.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> ^ Forgiveness is for you, not for the other people.
> 
> It means you will let go of the desire/wish/thought of revenge, or hoping bad things will happen to them because they hurt you. I'm sure you can see that this hurts you much much more than it hurts the other person(s)...
> 
> ...


They are a large part of the reason he is why he is. I had to learn that about my h's family. His mother is a wag-her-finger-you-need-the-Lord kind of Christian, never once noticing when he was a kid that he might be bi polar or depressed (even though she herself went through a horrific period of depression). She was quick to tell me, when he let the OW grab the phone from him and talk to his sister (and then word got out through the family), that h was a selfish narcissistic SOB and his grandma had spoiled him. Apparently grandma and Ma argued with each other over him, so he learned early that it is fun to have two women chasing you. I could go on but you get my drift. 

When I found out about h's affair, I called a woman who worked with him, who had transferred to another of their branches, and just point blank asked her about what had been going on. She said the OW was working on Saturdays and h staying with her 3-year-old, and how wrong she thought that was. She thought the OW was using the kid to make h bond and she was looking for a stepdaddy with a big retirement check. She said she and others had confronted him and told him what he was doing was wrong. And then I asked her, I appreciate that, but did it occur to NO one where you worked to call ME? She went completely quiet. 

Those people didn't know me and the whole environment was dysfunctional anyway, so I never held it against them. But I think if they had told me either I would have known sooner and had more time to make plans and not been blindsided by him, or I would have been able to confront him and take steps to demonstrate what he was losing before they had time to build a relationship for almost a year. 

It is what it is.


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