# Reasons for Porn Use



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

In order not to thread Jack a different thread, I am starting this thread regarding porn use. 
@UpsideDownWorld11 stated:



> Usually men only resort to porn as a last resort, unless they have an addiction of some sort. It's not that men want the porn star, but they are by the nature of their profession what is readily available.


 I have heard different reasons for Porn use by men, including the two mentioned above, but they are not the primary ones. Per everything I have studied and read, usually men resort to porn out if habit/boredom and for entertainment purposes. It's why even people in good marriages/relationships still watch. 

What say you TAM?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I disagree.
frequently.
I lived in a rough area as a child and my first exposure to porn was finding some other kid's stash. As nudity was strictly banned in my household, the concept of all of that exposed skin was quite shocking. Until the internet, porn was hard to aquire, especially in the much nicer areas I lived in as an adult. I really didn't "need" porn at that time but it was everywhere you clicked. There was variety. There was the illusion that there were women out there who had sexual energy to spare. An interest. A drive. Again shocking in comparison to home life. A real turn on the head when the gatekeeper becomes the panderer. 

So, not so much filler for a lacking life as a safe space to be accepted.

OM I'm totally screwed up aren't I?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lila said:


> In order not to thread Jack a different thread, I am starting this thread regarding porn use.
> @UpsideDownWorld11 stated:
> 
> 
> ...


*I would ascertain that porn usage is primarily exercised whenever a marital partner has duly lost, for whatever reason, their sexual outlet either through their spouse or significant other!

In no small measure, they're praying that it compensates for their sudden or long term lack of biological release! *


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

@arbitrator has the reason guys I have spoken to about it say. They don't have a marital partner who is interested in sex, and porn is the "lesser evil", as compared to adultery. They would never actually "cheat", but mentally justify the porn.

Porn is carefully crafted to support a fantasy in which the woman WANTS the man sexually. This is the only place in their lives where this exists, for many of them


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Hmm...i know this comes up time to time but i think people unfamiliar tend to overthink this...

Masturbation is natural. Can only speak for myself but as a guy i'm highly visual. Human bodies are stunning and made to be admired. Sometimes but not always and never necessary, adding visual to the mental can really add to the experience. That's really all there is to it.

Of course anything can be abused...as a replacement or substitute or addiction. I'm guess those with strong feelings either have direct experience with someone who abused...or have heard stories and assume it's the norm. I don't think it is the norm.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

For me, it's not a last resort. I have a willing spouse who, under normal circumstances, would gladly do it every day. I turn her down more often than not but still have solo time. It's easier, more relaxing, and there is no disappointment or pressure. 

Sometimes I am just bored and it's available.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

As I mentioned in the other thread, men and women view porn differently. A male can become sexually aroused by many things, including porn. A man does not have to be emotionally connected to a female to get aroused. If he did, there would not be such things as one night stands.

I have no clue what drives people who are "addicted" to porn. That's a diagnosis a professional would have to make. People go to movies for entertainment. Some men watch porn for entertainment. Some women watch porn for entertainment. Some men masturbate to porn. Some women masturbate to porn. 

Some people watch porn for educational reasons - to learn new positions, possibly. Other people watch it to see what may be considered amazing feats with the human anatomy. Some people may watch to see what the anatomically blessed people do with their blessings. The reasons are as varied as people. 

While it's hard for a male to understand why a woman is threatened by the male's use of porn, if they have a committed relationship, the male has an absolute duty to honor her wishes and stop viewing it. The female is under no obligation to make the male understand her feelings. She's entitled to them. If the male tells her to "Just get over it", he does not and does not want to understand her feelings, and the relationship is probably in serious trouble.

In general, from discussions I've had, men do not understand why porn is a threat to a female companion. From other discussions I've had, women to not understand why men need to get their jollies from porn, suggesting that they are not meeting their companion's sexual needs. Each side is entitled to their feelings. If one side finds that their companion's popping chewing gum is upsetting (see misophonia), the other companion should stop chewing gum in front of him or her. If one sides finds their companion's porn use is upsetting, the other companion should stop using porn. That's what relationships are made of.


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## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

So if porn use is a haven for the poor starved husband with no other outlet....how does that square with the 14 year old who is addicted? Or the college guy who just shared a pic of his ex girlfriend with the entire fraternity? 

I don't doubt that many men have found solace in porn due to selfish, frigid, refusing wives. But let's be honest. Porn is much bigger than a dead bedroom stopgap.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> I disagree.
> frequently.
> I lived in a rough area as a child and my first exposure to porn was finding some other kid's stash. As nudity was strictly banned in my household, the concept of all of that exposed skin was quite shocking. Until the internet, porn was hard to aquire, especially in the much nicer areas I lived in as an adult. I really didn't "need" porn at that time but it was everywhere you clicked. There was variety. There was the illusion that there were women out there who had sexual energy to spare. An interest. A drive. Again shocking in comparison to home life. A real turn on the head when the gatekeeper becomes the panderer.
> 
> ...


Just to make sure I understand you correctly... You do think porn use with men is predominantly to meet a need they may be missing within their relationship? Fantasy fulfilment?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

For me, my stbx was available for duty sex. It was unfulfilling for me and I was always disappointed that she was never into it or enjoyed it. I felt that it was forced. So I turned to porn after she went to bed. I wasn’t disappointed or sad after porn. I was with my stbx.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I think people watch it for the obvious reason, they enjoy it. I also think the over whelming majority of us can do so without becoming addicted. With that said I do think our appetite for it evolves. When you're a teenager and in your early 20s it really doesn't matter if you're in a sexual relationship. Chances are you are watching it anyway, because you are pretty much always horny. As I have grown older, my appetite for it has significantly declined. To me its like stopping by McDonalds for a cheeseburger an hour before going to steak house. You still can eat at the steak house, but you won't enjoy it as much. These days I only view it if I won't see my partner for days, and I am rethinking even that. 

There are times that I have watched it with a partner, but if anyone has ever tried that its almost pointless. Basically you get so aroused in the first five to ten minutes of watching it that neither of you is paying any attention to the movie anymore anyway, even when its the old school classic ones with "so so" stories and acting. It serves as background noise. I don't think most of us prefer watching it when you have someone sitting there right next to you that you could be having fun with instead.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

@Lila if you want you can move my posts from that thread over here too. I didn’t see you had made this one before I posted more on that one.

I’ll answer the question for myself. When I watch porn it’s because it makes me tingly down there and masturbating feels better when watching than when not watching.

Being bi sexual I was very keen to find any girlie mags I could get my hands on since adolescence. Back then I didn’t see men in mags. Later when I found that there is porn and pics of both men and women I was happy to expand my viewing.

Nowadays if I watch porn it’s because I want to see an eggplant. They are so beautiful and unusual to see in person. I still love seeing beautiful breasts as well. Looking at or watching either gets my motor running and feels great.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Faithful Wife, I'm going to leave your comments on that thread since you were interacting with the OP. 

Its interesting reading all of the responses to "why".


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

bobert said:


> For me, it's not a last resort. I have a willing spouse who, under normal circumstances, would gladly do it every day. I turn her down more often than not but still have solo time. *It's easier, more relaxing, and there is no disappointment or pressure.
> *
> Sometimes I am just bored and it's available.


I had an ex-girlfriend whose former husband was this way. Not that this is your situation at all. It was your use of the word "easier" that caught my attention. According to her when she was married her husband simply decided that watching porn was easier than having sex, and he told her that himself. She ended up divorcing him because over time his actions and even words let her know that he was ok meeting his needs with porn, and didn't care enough about her needs. The crazy thing is the guy was really missing out, because she was extremely attractive and highly sexual too. I can't imagine she wasn't down to do most of the things he was watching in his movies. In fact looking back on it, I wonder if her bedroom behavior was her, or did she simply think thats what she needed to do to keep a man interested in sex because of her experience with him. The woman even had a separate collection of heels and boots she never even would wear outside the bedroom. But I digress, I guess some people do decide that watching porn is easier than having actual sex, but I can't imagine that it feels better, and what about their spouses (are they okay with this). Admittedly I don't know your story, and this thread isn't about your life. I am simply pointing out that there are others that feel the same way that you do.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Here’s an article I also posted on that thread from Psychology Today, which basically shames women for having any issue with their mans porn use.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.ps...707/husbands-watch-porn-wives-despair-why?amp


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> For me, my stbx was available for duty sex. It was unfulfilling for me and I was always disappointed that she was never into it or enjoyed it. I felt that it was forced. So I turned to porn after she went to bed. I wasn’t disappointed or sad after porn. I was with my stbx.


This might be a good point covering a wide spectrum of similar circumstances. 

Porn has *an almost universal content component*; the women "actors" *always express an absolute desire physical and vocal to be in the present and have / be having sex with the man*. And the man the same, for the woman. 

That component of showing, ensuring the man knows she's really wanting to have sex with him appears I'd think would be the key for the man (irl) to having a fulfilling encounter with his W or partner. 

I know this is something that both partners "should be" showing each other *but itrw all I read about is cases where "she" does her duty, maybe the minimum, shows she wants him to hurry and finish, never initiates at best, starfish at worst.*

Please note this isn't a rant against women by any means (Lord no!) just looking analytically at musings on the topic.

The simple answer is men and yes some women like to see nekkid men and women, but some of the whole group might have these deeper reasons that if some circumstances were different may not be looking at porn.

Or I'm wrong all the way around. Take your pick, or offer more opinions. 

Good topic!


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

justlistening said:


> So if porn use is a haven for the poor starved husband with no other outlet....how does that square with the 14 year old who is addicted? Or the college guy who just shared a pic of his ex girlfriend with the entire fraternity?
> 
> I don't doubt that many men have found solace in porn due to selfish, frigid, refusing wives. But let's be honest. Porn is much bigger than a dead bedroom stopgap.


I'm always a little hesitant over these dramatized porn studies. What exactly does porn addiction entail if you aren't in a relationship? Is this where you are watching porn at school/work? Or is it just someone watching porn each night before going to bed? Or is it watching it more than once a day but no affect on school/work/social life?

My porn use is directly correlated with access to sex. If sex is plentiful, I can go without indefinitely. If it slows to a drip, then I start getting a little antsy after a couple days.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

My thoughts on porn.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> *My porn use is directly correlated with access to sex. If sex is plentiful, I can go without indefinitely. If it slows to a drip, then I start getting a little antsy after a couple days*.


I kind of think this is how the over whelming majority of men are when it comes to porn. With the exception of young men of course. No amount of sex is ever enough for them. In college years I knew guys that would swap DVDs/Videos back and forth like baseball cards.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think people watch porn for a wide variety of reasons.

Its difficult to know, but I think that if I had an active sex life with my wife, I would rarely if ever have any interest in porn.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

...


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Lila said:


> Just to make sure I understand you correctly... You do think porn use with men is predominantly to meet a need they may be missing within their relationship? Fantasy fulfilment?


If we accept the hypothesis that I view porn as *fantasy fulfilment* then the fantasy would be "a fantasy in which the woman WANTS the man sexually". As a result of reading here for many years, it is difficult for me to accept that as a fantasy, because I talk to women every week who actually desire to have sex with men. 

Also If I'm viewing porn to meet a need missing in my relationship, Then I would actually be agreeing with the original hypothesis. But more troubling would be the idea that fantasy fulfillment is a "need".

Honestly, I don't talk to men about their reasons for porn use. The only way to get a predominance would be to do a survey. To answer your question, I use porn because it has shock value. I believe I mentioned Variety.


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## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> justlistening said:
> 
> 
> > So if porn use is a haven for the poor starved husband with no other outlet....how does that square with the 14 year old who is addicted? Or the college guy who just shared a pic of his ex girlfriend with the entire fraternity?
> ...


The porn addiction I was referring to is in the life of a 14 year old who has so pervasively used porn, he steals his parents ' licked electronics, tried to repeatedly access it at school, has been banned from the public library, and is currently going through required therapy after underage porn was found on his school-issued tablet.

You can scoff, but you have to be willfully blind to not understand that addiction is a thing and it's growing among young people.

Perhaps you're worried about your sacred cow being gored.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

justlistening said:


> The porn addiction I was referring to is in the life of a 14 year old who has so pervasively used porn, he steals his parents ' licked electronics, tried to repeatedly access it at school, has been banned from the public library, and is currently going through required therapy after underage porn was found on his school-issued tablet.
> 
> You can scoff, but you have to be willfully blind to not understand that addiction is a thing and it's growing among young people.
> 
> Perhaps you're worried about your sacred cow being gored.


The tale of that 14 old is tragic, but I view it as an outlier. Are you proposing porn should be banned altogether? I know some that feel that way. But its not one of those things that is possible to do IMO. It would work about as well as prohibition did. Meaning alcohol was outlawed, but people still drank anyway. I will concede however that the internet has made it more of an issue. It can be unhealthy for some, even for people who aren't addicted in the classic sense. Some people latch onto a fantasy idea they see in porn, become obsessed with making it a reality, and it destroys their real life relationship. The whole cuckold fantasy thing comes to mind, as well as other very specific sex acts that some may view as taboo, or just plain gross.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's not complicated. Both men and women watch porn to enhance masturbation. Yes, more men than women--at least admitted to since there is still social stigma attached to doing so for women.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TJW said:


> @arbitrator has the reason guys I have spoken to about it say. They don't have a marital partner who is interested in sex, and porn is the "lesser evil", as compared to adultery. They would never actually "cheat", but mentally justify the porn.
> 
> Porn is carefully crafted to support a fantasy in which the woman WANTS the man sexually. This is the only place in their lives where this exists, for many of them


:iagree:


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## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

ReformedHubby said:


> justlistening said:
> 
> 
> > The porn addiction I was referring to is in the life of a 14 year old who has so pervasively used porn, he steals his parents ' licked electronics, tried to repeatedly access it at school, has been banned from the public library, and is currently going through required therapy after underage porn was found on his school-issued tablet.
> ...


I never mentioned or advocated the banning of porn. 

I just can't help but but be amused at the level of denial people will use to ignore the fact that porn can be damaging due to their own love of porn and terror over the idea that someone might try to take it away.

It's a funny irony.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I need to add a speaking-only-for-myself caveat to my signature.

I'm not a particularly heavy consumer, but it has played the role of the surrogate wife. The couples in porn have a varied and enthusiastic sex life. They have oral sex. They touch each others genitals. They try different positions with varying amounts of success. The advent of the personal video recorder allowed an entire new genre of actual couples enjoying themselves in their own bedrooms.

Porn has in part saved my marriage. It allows me a fantasy outlet substitute for my staid partner. But even with a much more adventurous wife, it would probably still play a (much smaller) role. No two people provide everything for one another. This seems a perfectly reasonable way to gloss over those differences.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

michzz said:


> It's not complicated. Both men and women watch porn to enhance masturbation. Yes, more men than women--at least admitted to since there is still social stigma attached to doing so for women.


That's the crazy thing. Maybe its just who I pick but my ex-wife would occasionally watch it a little when I wasn't around. I knew because she would tell me about it. Of the girlfriends I have had since I wouldn't say they watch it as much as men, but they dabble from time to time. Not sure if this is against the rules to go into specifics, but one woman I was seeing for a brief time was into watching double penetration porn. She wasn't particularly interested in doing that in real life, but she liked the fantasy of it. I was shocked that a girl next door type found that sexually exciting, but I didn't judge. Ultimately we didn't work out, but it wasn't because of that. The topic came up because she asked me what kind of porn I was into. I felt pretty boring and vanilla after hearing her answer LoL.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> michzz said:
> 
> 
> > It's not complicated. Both men and women watch porn to enhance masturbation. Yes, more men than women--at least admitted to since there is still social stigma attached to doing so for women.
> ...


I’ve learned to never ever tell a man what kind of porn I like. No matter what they say, they can’t handle the answers. And what I like is not anything that weird or whatever. Just that like you said, even double penetration stuff is not that weird but made you feel vanilla. That’s what I encounter all the time. A guy says hey want to watch some porn and I’ll just say nah, I’m positive we don’t like the same stuff, lol.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I’ve learned to never ever tell a man what kind of porn I like. No matter what they say, they can’t handle the answers. And what I like is not anything that weird or whatever. Just that like you said, even double penetration stuff is not that weird but made you feel vanilla. That’s what I encounter all the time. A guy says hey want to watch some porn and I’ll just say nah, I’m positive we don’t like the same stuff, lol.


.
Funny you should say that. I can definitely see that a lot of men would feel that way. It didn't really bother me though, even though we weren't quite exclusive, I never once thought she was going to go out and grab two guys and make the fantasy a reality. My current girlfriend digs some BDSM porn stuff. Some of which is too much for my taste. I learned long ago you can't have it both ways. If you want to have a relationship with a sexually adventurous woman, you can't be insecure about her fantasies or her past. 

Just a theory but perhaps the insecurity some men have about women that enjoy porn is that they worry its easier for a woman to make their sexual fantasies a reality if they are so inclined? In general I do think many men worry that women that are open minded and free spirited about sex are more likely to cheat. I really don't know.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> .
> Funny you should say that. I can definitely see that a lot of men would feel that way. It didn't really bother me though, even though we weren't quite exclusive, I never once thought she was going to go out and grab two guys and make the fantasy a reality. My current girlfriend digs some BDSM porn stuff. Some of which is too much for my taste. I learned long ago you can't have it both ways. If you want to have a relationship with a sexually adventurous woman, you can't be insecure about her fantasies or her past.
> 
> Just a theory but perhaps the insecurity some men have about women that enjoy porn is that *they worry its easier for a woman to make their sexual fantasies a reality if they are so inclined*? In general I do think many men worry that women that are open minded and free spirited about sex are more likely to cheat. I really don't know.


I suppose if my wife ever finds an unemployed mercenary shape changer billionaire, or two, I'll have something to worry about . . . . .


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

justlistening said:


> I never mentioned or advocated the banning of porn.
> 
> I just can't help but but be amused at the level of denial people will use to ignore the fact that porn *can* be damaging due to their own love of porn and terror over the idea that someone might try to take it away.
> 
> It's a funny irony.


I don't believe anyone here said it "can't" be damaging. 

More like the topic "alchohol *can be* damaging". Or pick your similar vice of choice. 

Moderation in all things. Not condoning, not condemning. 

I thought the link to the articles in Psychology Today in the first page of this thread was a great read. Anyone who hasn't perused the articles may find it interesting to take a gander.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> I suppose if my wife ever finds an unemployed mercenary shape changer billionaire, or two, I'll have something to worry about . . . . .


LoL, exactly. I think we should just leave our partners alone when it comes to their fantasies. As a total and complete Star Trek dork. I wouldn't mind hooking up with a gorgeous purple woman with three boobs. Hmmmm....that sounds even weirder when typed than in my head.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

uhtred said:


> I think people watch porn for a wide variety of reasons.
> 
> Its difficult to know, but I think that if I had an active sex life with my wife, I would rarely if ever have any interest in porn.


Same here. My wife has no interest in sex, so i occasionally use porn (although it has to be real stuff). If my wife had a sex drive, then I wouldn't use porn or masturbate in the shower to thoughts of us back when we actually had a somewhat regular sex life.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> LoL, exactly. I think we should just leave our partners alone when it comes to their fantasies. As a total and complete Star Trek dork. I wouldn't mind hooking up with a gorgeous purple woman with three boobs. Hmmmm....that sounds even weirder when typed than in my head.


She was green and only had two boobs, but they were magnificent. 

I am now compelled to confiscate your Star Trek Fan Club card and destroy it in your presence. Sorry.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Star Trek, and Voyager?

How about Seven of Nine?
Talk about great uniforms.

Or Enterprise? I forget the female Vulcan officer's name but another great uniform fit there.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Star Trek, and Voyager?
> 
> How about Seven of Nine?


You mean 38 of double D?



> Talk about great uniforms.


The Borg make the best implants, dontcha think?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Cletus said:


> She was green and only had two boobs, but they were magnificent.
> 
> I am now compelled to confiscate your Star Trek Fan Club card and destroy it in your presence. Sorry.


LoL, I know that! My assumption is that such a woman would probably exist in the Star Trek universe somewhere if there was a green one. Please don't take my Star Trek card its all I have. /END Thread Jack


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Follow on question because I don't want to start another thread.....

For those that do use porn, would you be okay with going to a live sex show or club to watch others have real life sex? Why or why not?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Lila said:


> Follow on question because I don't want to start another thread.....
> 
> For those that do use porn, would you be okay with going to a live sex show or club to watch others have real life sex? Why or why not?


Not enough shock value without the shape changers.
No, not my cup o' tea. just too personal. I like my porn with an off switch.


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## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

ChargingCharlie said:


> uhtred said:
> 
> 
> > I think people watch porn for a wide variety of reasons.
> ...


That has to be so hard.

I know someone whose spouse refused to have sex with them while using porn for years.

The neglected spouse ended up engaging in technology-free multisensory pornography.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Lila said:


> Follow on question because I don't want to start another thread.....
> 
> For those that do use porn, would you be okay with going to a live sex show or club to watch others have real life sex? Why or why not?


Nope. When I watch porn, it's when a couple is filming themselves, so it's somewhat private (somewhat, because at least one of them is posting it on the internet for all to see). If it's not that, then absolutely no interest.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

justlistening said:


> That has to be so hard.
> 
> I know someone whose spouse refused to have sex with them while using porn for years.
> 
> The neglected spouse ended up engaging in technology-free multisensory pornography.


I've learned to deal with it. If/when we go out without the kids, as soon as we get into the car, my wife reflexively lets me know that she's either really tired and/or has a terrible headache (literally happens every time). Like one of the other posters, I figure my very occasional porn use is a hell of a lot better than having an affair (which I have no interest in pursuing).

I've mentioned this before - all but one of her friends talk about how they don't like sex and are perfectly content to go without forever. The one friend who has a high sex drive is a "freak" according to my wife. Since this is her view of sex, then I at least know what I'm dealing with.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ChargingCharlie said:


> I've learned to deal with it. If/when we go out without the kids, as soon as we get into the car, my wife reflexively lets me know that she's either really tired and/or has a terrible headache (literally happens every time). Like one of the other posters, I figure my very occasional porn use is a hell of a lot better than having an affair (which I have no interest in pursuing).
> 
> I've mentioned this before - all but one of her friends talk about how they don't like sex and are perfectly content to go without forever. The one friend who has a high sex drive is a "freak" according to my wife. Since this is her view of sex, then I at least know what I'm dealing with.


Well durn.

Hang in there!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Here's my porn experience with the ex......

I had a higher sex drive than him. Not everyday, but I was good for at least several times per week, which was more than him. As he continued to get older his ED, which he'd had to some degree since I met him, continued to get worse. He refused to acknowledge or deal with it (he refused to deal with anything even remotely uncomfortable). He'd even admit that I was all kinds of patient with him and tried my best not to make him feel bad about it.

But he had a very specific porn fetish, which I knew he'd been watching because I saw his browser history. It was pretty mainstream and I was happy to indulge him. But it got to the point where that's all sex with him ever was.....indulging is fetish. Even when it became clear I wasn't enjoying it he'd continue to push it; maybe it was a last ditch effort to help stay erect, I don't know (because he wouldn't talk openly about anything uncomfortable).

So I began to enjoy it less and less with him. Whereas before I looked forward to it, I then looked for ways to avoid it....not that he wanted it much anyway. Yet through it all he was on his porn site.

So which came first.....the ED or the porn? I have no idea and it no longer matters to me. But I can say that it very much contributed to my leaving him because we really had no emotional connection, so sex was our only real way to connect, and since touch is my primary love language it was a band aid.

I suppose it was ultimately good for me that the sex dried up (and discovering that he'd kept his ex gf around didn't help) because I'm much better off without him. But for anyone here that might be using it instead of sex with their wife because it's easier, just keep in mind that you may well be damaging your bond. Maybe it's already damaged, but this will make it worse.

Since my ex was the first man over 49 (he was 50 when I met him...I was 31) I'd been with I honestly thought this was normal for men over 50. Imagine my surprise when I finally left him and started dating a then 53 year old man (I was 44 by this point) and he had no problem keeping it up and keeping it up often. I'm happy to know that this is not necessarily just how men over 50 are.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

CC, when she does this: "If/when we go out without the kids, as soon as we get into the car, my wife reflexively lets me know that she's either really tired and/or has a terrible headache (literally happens every time). "

Do you ever shut OFF the car, and say "well, I don't want you to go out if you are tired and have a headache. i guess we should just go back inside"?? I wonder what her reaction would be, esp. if she really wanted to go out to dinner/whatever?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lila said:


> Follow on question because I don't want to start another thread.....
> 
> For those that do use porn, would you be okay with going to a live sex show or club to watch others have real life sex? Why or why not?


Been to one and it was absolutely gross. In my mind I thought it would be so naughty and sexy and fun. In reality it was a lot of people I would have never ever wanted to see naked and made me feel so grossed out. Never again.

Although there are some Vegas shows with nudity and sexual themes I would definitely go see. Just not a club where random people show up and have sex, ugh.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> CC, when she does this: "If/when we go out without the kids, as soon as we get into the car, my wife reflexively lets me know that she's either really tired and/or has a terrible headache (literally happens every time). "
> 
> Do you ever shut OFF the car, and say "well, I don't want you to go out if you are tired and have a headache. i guess we should just go back inside"?? I wonder what her reaction would be, esp. if she really wanted to go out to dinner/whatever?


No - I should but I don't bother. Figure I'll at least get a meal, but you're correct - if you're so tired/have a headache, why are we bothering going out? I'm wondering if this is why her ex left her. It's really hard to believe that this is the same woman who took me to her apartment on our first date where we proceeded to get naked and fool around.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Lila said:


> Follow on question because I don't want to start another thread.....
> 
> For those that do use porn, would you be okay with going to a live sex show or club to watch others have real life sex? Why or why not?


Your thread is making me feel like a deviant, but yes I have done this. There are a handful of "Lifestyle" themed resorts in the world. I spent roughly three days at one with my girlfriend. We didn't love it. Yes there was sex everywhere in the open, and people were pretty much naked at the beach, the pool, and the jacuzzi too. Both the pool and the jacuzzi had beds around them in addition to the standard chaise lounge chairs. The nightclub also had a "playroom". Me and my girlfriend pretty much did it everywhere. We didn't find it particularly erotic watching people though, we were surprised by this. Its not something we would do again. We were basically treated like fresh meat the whole time we were there because the resort gave us first timers bracelets to wear in a different color (yet didn't tell us this when we checked in). We were there because we wanted to be voyeurs and have sex in public, but ultimately we found ourselves annoyed.

We were the most attractive guests there at the time, so the staff always pestered us to volunteer for their poolside sex games even though we always said no. The other guests were nice, but it didn't feel genuine to us. If I had to compare it to something I would say it felt like the other couples were speed dating us when they would introduce themselves. They were nice, but everyone was asking the same questions, it was obvious they were vetting us. By the last day of our trip I was in a very very bad mood. Neither of us wanted to ruin our relationship just to be a part of someone else's fantasy. They say swingers are respectful of non lifestyle folks, but that wasn't our experience. Not our kind of crowd at all. The whole trip was a complete bust in my opinion. Even the public sex we had wasn't as exciting when everyone else is doing it too.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > Follow on question because I don't want to start another thread.....
> ...


When I went I did not have public sex. But I was with some people who did. Myself and my friends were definitely the hottest people there out of at least 200-300 people. That seems like it would be great right? But it’s just not. It makes you the target of everyone in the whole place - - who were all very unattractive to me and I just felt skeevy about it all. 

I really wanted it to be fun but it wasn’t. It was certainly an adventure though. The kind you have a great story about maybe but not the kind you loved and want to repeat it. 

Thank god I was with friends who somewhat protected me. During the time they were having public sex I just hid in the bathroom.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Lila said:


> In order not to thread Jack a different thread, I am starting this thread regarding porn use.
> @UpsideDownWorld11 stated:
> 
> 
> ...


We pretty much only use it together. When used in small doses, it can add variety, give ideas, and give insights into what turns on your partner in ways that you didn’t know before.

Interestingly, we only seem to use it when the marriage is good, or when my wife is struggling “getting out of her head” due to stress or whatever.

Neither of us have much in the way of hang ups about it, though, although my wife did when we first got together. Her ex hid his porn use from her and lied about it, and also cheated on her. I did none of those things, and she’s far more into it than I am in general.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Lila said:


> In order not to thread Jack a different thread, I am starting this thread regarding porn use.
> @UpsideDownWorld11 stated:
> 
> 
> ...


I don't use porn out of boredom. I use it because my body tells me I need to ejaculate. My mood gets worse. I have a little difficulty concentrating. There are other things my body does, but I'm literally too embarrassed to talk about them and feel they would be TMI for public consumption. 

I never used it because I was bored. When I was younger, if wifey didn't want or couldn't, I might use it to relieve much of the above. I rarely used it in my second marriage, though she thought I used it due to a lack of desire for her. In fact, it was an issue with my health, including the prescriptions I was taking. At the time, I did not know what was wrong. 

Just a few times, I watched it with her, though she never had any real interest other than to ask what I liked and wanted to do with her. I had no desire to add what we were seeing to our bedroom. Almost all of it is nearly impossible for the average person and it is all fantasy in visual form, just like romance novels are fantasy porn for many women. It's just a different medium.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Lila said:


> Follow on question because I don't want to start another thread.....
> 
> For those that do use porn, would you be okay with going to a live sex show or club to watch others have real life sex? Why or why not?


I think lots of us hear about something and our minds create some sort of interesting idea of what it was like when the story telling is good. When reality hits, it's like going to a strip club. Mostly disgusting women who don't give a damn about you and only want to pry some cash from your wallet. Some will even do more than just dance. When you first walk in, the very first time, you are excited. As you sit there and gawk, you realize just how disgusting you are. She's showing you her body, but you are paying for it. 

A little further than that is watching a live sex show, in my opinion. 

Years ago, there was a bar in the big city that had one night where folks would get up on stage, keep clothes on and pretend to have sex. It drew a crowd. I could never bring myself to go there. I felt dirty thinking about it. 

There used to be and may still be a club not far away that was for swingers. I was told all about it by my second wife, though she only knew it through hearsay. Yeah. What she told me made me feel like I needed a shower and made me question my attraction to her. All of the things MeToo is about were done there. Though, the women were supposedly willing. 

This severely confuses me. How can you be for MeToo and also for a swingers club? I bet there are some in the group that are. It makes no logical sense to me.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Lila said:


> Follow on question because I don't want to start another thread.....
> 
> For those that do use porn, would you be okay with going to a live sex show or club to watch others have real life sex? Why or why not?


That is creepy as hell.


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## Edelbrock2423 (Jan 30, 2020)

I can't speak for the man personally... I know I have been told by former lovers and current spouse that it is out of boredom and a quick release.

As a woman anytime I have been tempted to pull up a quick video or wanted to browse was for the quick temporary fix to a small or bigger problem! 

Out of boredom, when things were sour in a relationship and sometimes even when things were going good... 

sometimes taking care of ourselves is a whole lot easier and a lot less messy than dealing with your partner or someone else


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I think lots of us hear about something and our minds create some sort of interesting idea of what it was like when the story telling is good. When reality hits, it's like going to a strip club. Mostly disgusting women who don't give a damn about you and only want to pry some cash from your wallet. Some will even do more than just dance. When you first walk in, the very first time, you are excited. As you sit there and gawk, you realize just how disgusting you are. She's showing you her body, but you are paying for it.
> 
> A little further than that is watching a live sex show, in my opinion.
> 
> ...


There is nothing unwanted going on at these clubs. It’s all consensual.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> There is nothing unwanted going on at these clubs. It’s all consensual.


If random men touching you is disgusting, why aren't random men touching you disgusting?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

LOL Messed with your head. Didn't I?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> LOL Messed with your head. Didn't I?


Nope. Having been there I know that random men still did not touch me because they are not allowed to without permission. Again, it’s consensual. Just because someone is there doesn’t mean they have consented to being touched.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Nope. Having been there I know that random men still did not touch me because they are not allowed to without permission. Again, it’s consensual. Just because someone is there doesn’t mean they have consented to being touched.


Just because someone is at that swingers' club doesn't mean they have consented to being touched? Correct. It's also correct that those folks have some introspection to do because they have conflicting boundaries. 

I know what you meant. I know what you mean. I understood before I posted. I wanted to draw attention to the above for consideration, not judgment.

Edit: Sorry for the threadjack. I'll start another.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Just because someone is at that swingers' club doesn't mean they have consented to being touched? Correct. It's also correct that those folks have some introspection to do because they have conflicting boundaries.
> 
> I know what you meant. I know what you mean. I understood before I posted. I wanted to draw attention to the above for consideration, not judgment.
> 
> Edit: Sorry for the threadjack. I'll start another.


None of the ones I encountered had conflicting boundaries. And neither did I.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Just because someone is at that swingers' club doesn't mean they have consented to being touched? Correct. It's also correct that those folks have some introspection to do because they have conflicting boundaries.


I wouldn't say they have conflicting boundaries. I was at a swingers resort for three days so I learned an awful lot about the lifestyle from people all over the world. They aren't terribly touchy feely in a sexual way unless you're open to it. But, yeah they do like to hug a lot when they first meet you, and they stand really close to you when they talk to you, that took some getting used to. I really just didn't like it. The fantasy of it, and the reality of it were not aligned for my girlfriend and I. Ironically a place that was supposed to be super sexy, was very unsexy for us.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> I wouldn't say they have conflicting boundaries. I was at a swingers resort for three days so I learned an awful lot about the lifestyle from people all over the world. They aren't terribly touchy feely in a sexual way unless you're open to it. But, yeah they do like to hug a lot when they first meet you, and they stand really close to you when they talk to you, that took some getting used to. I really just didn't like it. The fantasy of it, and the reality of it were not aligned for my girlfriend and I. Ironically a place that was supposed to be super sexy, was very unsexy for us.


Reality is usually not as good as fantasy. I wasn't judging you or anyone. I do believe there is a conflict with personal boundaries. I know it is consensual, for the most part. I'm sure there are times when someone joins in that folks would rather avoid. No one that I know wants to offer themselves to everyone. 

I'm struggling a little with what I posted, but I do believe it's bull**** that those with the most complaints tend to be those who have the lowest boundaries. At least, that's how it seems to me.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Yes, there are at least two distinct cases, on where someone turns to porn because their partner rejects them, and then the other where someone watches porn an rejects their partner. I feel that it isn't OK to watch porn and reject your partner. 

There are probably also people with good sex lives who watch porn.




justlistening said:


> That has to be so hard.
> 
> I know someone whose spouse refused to have sex with them while using porn for years.
> 
> The neglected spouse ended up engaging in technology-free multisensory pornography.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Here’s an article I also posted on that thread from Psychology Today, which basically shames women for having any issue with their mans porn use.
> 
> https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.ps...707/husbands-watch-porn-wives-despair-why?amp


I just don't see where in that article that women are "shamed".


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Lila said:


> What say you TAM?


I use porn to enable masturbation.

The more sex I have with my wife, the less I masturbate. So, the less I masturbate, the less I use porn.

My one requirement is that the women must be enjoying themselves (or at least seem to be).

The "hotness" of the women isn't much of a factor (although they can't be repulsive).

It's more the acts and the attitudes.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Lila said:


> Follow on question because I don't want to start another thread.....
> 
> For those that do use porn, would you be okay with going to a live sex show or club to watch others have real life sex? Why or why not?


I've thought that would be hot



Faithful Wife said:


> Been to one and it was absolutely gross. In my mind I thought it would be so naughty and sexy and fun. In reality it was a lot of people I would have never ever wanted to see naked and made me feel so grossed out. Never again.
> 
> Although there are some Vegas shows with nudity and sexual themes I would definitely go see. Just not a club where random people show up and have sex, ugh.


But, it probably would not


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> I just don't see where in that article that women are "shamed".


By telling women they have no right to ask a man to forego porn. Even if they find something that greatly disturbs them. And that they have no business trying to check into what their man has been doing in private.

To me that’s true in an uncommitted relationship. But totally not fair for faithful loving wives who sincerely would not love their man anymore if she knew the truth about what he was doing.

We had a thread here once by a wife who found tons of violent rape porn of young women on her husbands browser. She described that these groups of dudes would be there with a young woman who looked like a teenager, then beat her bloody and blue and gang raped her.

This woman had teenage daughters in the home.

Men at TAM told her it was none of her business and he was entitled to his private time and that it had nothing to do with her.

Fortunately the woman valued herself more than that and told everyone she didn’t care what men say, she cannot love him anymore knowing he was into that and was leaving him.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> Buddy400 said:
> 
> 
> > I just don't see where in that article that women are "shamed".
> ...


It's fair for a woman to ask that of her man and for him to honor that. It's also fair for the man to revoke that deal should sex slow down. The trick is finding the magic number of agreed sexual encounters per week on average.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> It's fair for a woman to ask that of her man and for him to honor that. It's also fair for the man to revoke that deal should sex slow down. The trick is finding the magic number of agreed sexual encounters per week on average.


I’m in agreement that couples should have their own rules and boundaries and should both live up to them.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> I just don't see where in that article that women are "shamed".


I read the article and thought it was dismissive of women's concerns over porn use.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I know this is in the mens forum but as a porn watcher I would like to say that I watch porn because it fills a need, it feels good, and I always have the best orgasm. And I never refuse sex to my partner.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think like any subject it is possible to point to the extreme arguing then that a whole subject is good/bad.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

So now we are down to who's shaming who. 

I Knew better than to post here.

Men's club house, please come in and club a man.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> So now we are down to who's shaming who.
> 
> I Knew better than to post here.
> 
> Men's club house, please come in and club a man.


Has anyone "clubbed" you?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Lila said:


> I read the article and thought it was dismissive of women's concerns over porn use.


I'd agree with "dismissive".


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> By telling women they have no right to ask a man to forego porn. Even if they find something that greatly disturbs them. And that they have no business trying to check into what their man has been doing in private.
> 
> To me that’s true in an uncommitted relationship. But totally not fair for faithful loving wives who sincerely would not love their man anymore if she knew the truth about what he was doing.
> 
> ...


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> We had a thread here once by a wife who found tons of violent rape porn of young women on her husbands browser. She described that these groups of dudes would be there with a young woman who looked like a teenager, then beat her bloody and blue and gang raped her.
> 
> This woman had teenage daughters in the home.
> 
> Men at TAM told her it was none of her business and he was entitled to his private time and that it had nothing to do with her.


Alert me when that happens again so that I can attempt to better represent "All Men".


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > We had a thread here once by a wife who found tons of violent rape porn of young women on her husbands browser. She described that these groups of dudes would be there with a young woman who looked like a teenager, then beat her bloody and blue and gang raped her.
> ...


Please don’t put words or ideas into my mouth or post. I gave one example of one real woman and what she came up against when she came here for help and advice.

I have seen countless other similar stories by women where others told her she had no right to even know what her man does in private.

In no way does this mean I’m saying “all men”. In fact there are lots of men on TAM who are married and who support women in their feelings on matters like that.

I’m just telling people what I have seen and how women are continually told it’s men’s right to hold onto whatever porn they want. I’m not saying this is right or wrong either. I’m just saying that we women usually have been told it’s none of our business and to just assume he is watching porn even if they say they aren’t. Which is what the article said.

It doesn’t matter to me what anyone watches or what they do. It can matter to their spouses and partners though and just telling the spouse to stay out of it is wrong, IMO.

My own life, my own watching habits, and my own preferences are things that I do one way when single and a different way in a relationship. Seems like men here on this thread said pretty much the same. 

I don’t feel like anyone here cares what I do and I don’t care what they do. Is that not clear? If not, I give up.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sadly, my intro to porn happened at a young age and became a habit long before adulthood. I don’t think any adolescent male probably has the willpower to avoid it in this sex obsessed culture. Even after my religious conversion the habit continued simply because no one ever really called it out as wrong (my thought was that no one gets hurt so it must be ok- what a lie). A good priest addressed this in the confessional finally and within a couple years (and many more trips to the confessional) I was finally successful at rooting it out of my life. Escaping it’s grasp is probably the best thing I ever did for my marriage (and my own self respect). It’s probably the hardest habit I’ve ever had to break.... I never really wanted to be that guy... it was probably easier to self medicate than just suffer the fullness of what being “male” is. Now, I suffer it somewhat gladly knowing I can be “true” to my beautiful wife and my creator...

I’m sure all the men on here will justify their porn use but truth be told- no one really wants to be “that guy” . The fact is that it’s easier to justify the behavior than actually correct it. It’s easier to live in ignorance than to make a truly informed opinion. It’s easier to self medicate than suffer. Wish more men would grow some balls and just throw the stuff out... we do need to protect our young sons and brothers (and to some extent our daughters) from this sad and disgusting habit.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

CatholicDad said:


> Sadly, my intro to porn happened at a young age and became a habit long before adulthood. I don’t think any adolescent male probably has the willpower to avoid it in this sex obsessed culture. Even after my religious conversion the habit continued simply because no one ever really called it out as wrong (my thought was that no one gets hurt so it must be ok- what a lie). A good priest addressed this in the confessional finally and within a couple years (and many more trips to the confessional) I was finally successful at rooting it out of my life. Escaping it’s grasp is probably the best thing I ever did for my marriage (and my own self respect). It’s probably the hardest habit I’ve ever had to break.... I never really wanted to be that guy... it was probably easier to self medicate than just suffer the fullness of what being “male” is. Now, I suffer it somewhat gladly knowing I can be “true” to my beautiful wife and my creator...
> 
> I’m sure *all the men on here *will justify their porn use but truth be told- no one really wants to be “that guy” . The fact is that it’s easier to justify the behavior than actually correct it. It’s easier to live in ignorance than to make a truly informed opinion. It’s easier to self medicate than suffer. Wish more men would grow some balls and just throw the stuff out... we do need to protect our young sons and brothers (and to some extent our daughters) from this sad and disgusting habit.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Please don’t put words or ideas into my mouth or post. I gave one example of one real woman and what she came up against when she came here for help and advice.
> 
> I have seen countless other similar stories by women where others told her she had no right to even know what her man does in private.
> 
> ...


I was simply, sincerely saying "if there are men saying such things, I'd like to know so that I'd have a chance to better represent my gender".

That's all. 

I haven't seen that sort of thing on TAM. But, maybe it wasn't a topic that interested me so I didn't follow the thread or it didn't make the impression on me it should have due to my confirmation bias.

You often seem to attribute a subtext to my posts that, honestly, just isn't there.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Please don’t put words or ideas into my mouth or post. I gave one example of one real woman and what she came up against when she came here for help and advice.
> ...


Ok then what did the “all men” in quotes in your post to me mean if it didn’t mean you were implying I meant “all men”. Why even include that if it wasn’t about something I said, while quoting me?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> Please don’t put words or ideas into my mouth or post. I gave one example of one real woman and what she came up against when she came here for help and advice.
> 
> I have seen countless other similar stories by women where others told her she had no right to even know what her man does in private.
> 
> ...


Are you talking about the one who’s daughter in law overheard something playing coming from the bathroom?

If so, how do you know this? OP never posted more detail about it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Marduk said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Please don’t put words or ideas into my mouth or post. I gave one example of one real woman and what she came up against when she came here for help and advice.
> ...


No. I think I know what post you are referring to. That one was recent. The one I’m talking about was a long time ago and was very specific. The wife saw the rape porn herself on his browser and described it here. It was really a very gross and scary situation, IMO. She never came back after telling everyone she didn’t appreciate being told she should just ignore it, she knew she could never look at him the same way again and that she was leaving him.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok then what did the “all men” in quotes in your post to me mean if it didn’t mean you were implying I meant “all men”. Why even include that if it wasn’t about something I said, while quoting me?


Okay. The quotes were a mistake. Not intentional. I literally meant that I would want to show that all men are not like that.

Maybe I've just seen "All Women" and "All Men" in quotes too much lately.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Ok then what did the “all men” in quotes in your post to me mean if it didn’t mean you were implying I meant “all men”. Why even include that if it wasn’t about something I said, while quoting me?
> ...


Fair enough. And yes if I see another post like that I will tag you so that you can reply in a different way than the men on the post I’m talking about did.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Okay, not trying to pile on. I noticed this:

"But totally not fair for faithful loving wives who sincerely would not love their man anymore if she knew the truth about what he was doing."

I also noticed a thread topic that comes up now and again, but never dies. Retroactive jealousy and it's affects on a relationship. 

It made me think of the numbers threads we've had. Some men seem to want to have a little insight into the sex lives of their fiancé prior to that commitment. It is a make or break deal for some. I felt the statement was in a similar vein. 

Why isn't it? 

Also, I don't care about that sick porn thread. A little role playing is one thing. That's quite another. I would think the number of TAM men who would agree with me would surpass those who disagree.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Okay, not trying to pile on. I noticed this:
> 
> "But totally not fair for faithful loving wives who sincerely would not love their man anymore if she knew the truth about what he was doing."
> 
> ...


I agree it’s similar. Some men would want to know about a woman’s past so he can make a fair evaluation of whether they want to be with her or not, and some women would want truthful answers about what kind of porn a man watches if any in order to make a fair evaluation of whether to be with him or not.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I agree it’s similar. Some men would want to know about a woman’s past so he can make a fair evaluation of whether they want to be with her or not, and some women would want truthful answers about what kind of porn a man watches if any in order to make a fair evaluation of whether to be with him or not.


Didn't expect any answers tonight. I've got a bit of insomnia.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> No. I think I know what post you are referring to. That one was recent. The one I’m talking about was a long time ago and was very specific. The wife saw the rape porn herself on his browser and described it here. It was really a very gross and scary situation, IMO. She never came back after telling everyone she didn’t appreciate being told she should just ignore it, she knew she could never look at him the same way again and that she was leaving him.


Oh, wow. Terrifying.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> No. I think I know what post you are referring to. That one was recent. The one I’m talking about was a long time ago and was very specific. The wife saw the rape porn herself on his browser and described it here. It was really a very gross and scary situation, IMO. She never came back after telling everyone she didn’t appreciate being told she should just ignore it, she knew she could never look at him the same way again and that she was leaving him.


Yet it's a well established fact that many women have rape fantasies. I presume most of us here would say it would be in bad taste to call out a woman who was indulging in that fantasy in her own porn use - especially since we know that most women do not actually want to be raped.

But a man doing the same is gross and scary, even if we know for a fact that increased porn use correlates with LESS sexual violence (even if I don't know enough about this one specific type of fantasy to make that statement with conviction) - because most men don't want to be rapists, either.

This is quite clearly a double standard. An understandable one perhaps, with the disparity in sexual violence numbers between the genders. But what would be seen as **** shaming in one context is seen as justified in another. That's why you get the "ignore it" advice. People's fantasy lives are private and disconnected so much from reality that drawing conclusions about their motives from their porn use is a hopeless and counter-productive cause. For both men and women.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > No. I think I know what post you are referring to. That one was recent. The one I’m talking about was a long time ago and was very specific. The wife saw the rape porn herself on his browser and described it here. It was really a very gross and scary situation, IMO. She never came back after telling everyone she didn’t appreciate being told she should just ignore it, she knew she could never look at him the same way again and that she was leaving him.
> ...


All that may be true, but we also get to decide for ourselves who we can feel love for. I certainly could not feel love for a man who frequently watched the type of extremely violent rape porn the woman in the post I’m talking about described. I don’t care if it didn’t mean he would actually ever want to do anything like that, just the fact that he wanted to watch hundreds and hundreds of that type of videos, where women were literally beaten bloody and blue, would make me unable to love him. It may be his right to watch, but it’s my right to judge that this is not someone I would ever want to be with.

At the same time, some of the porn I watch may make some men never want to be with me either. And I’m ok with that. They have that right too and I would understand it may make them think I’m a freak. Which I kind of am.


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## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

It's hilarious how much of a pretzel people will twist into to defend ALL porn ALL the time.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

justlistening said:


> It's hilarious how much of a pretzel people will twist into to defend ALL porn ALL the time.


In Church on Sunday? Check.
At the office in a closed room? Check.
At the office in an open workplace? Double check.
On a date in the restaurant? Of course.
At a funeral? Why not?
On the bus? In the car? Would you like it in a box? The more graphic the better!

Perhaps you meant something else?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I suppose in the end the only reason I watch porn is to . . . . see if someone's listening.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

To each their own, among consenting adults.
............................................................................................

My only fear is that we will all soon lose our imperfections to some illusion. 

Porn is such an illusion. 

Living that illusion, there will be no one to judge us, rate us, provided we are not violent.

We will become extinct, by not accepting anything less than stellar performance in everything we attempt.

Our sexual partners will be automons, robots, they will accept us as participants, not needing of ratings.

Since males and females are sufficiently different and often mutually emotionally exhausting, we will then have no desire or need of the opposite sex.

*Soon, there will be only virtual and no real life.*

Our numbers will plummet for lack of contemporary sexual interplay. Sex of all stripes will be boring.

(In the more advanced societies, not in the third world).

We will have, by then, seen it all.

This will lead to what the Romans did for entertainment. More and more barbarous sexual cruelty.

Witness the acts of ISIS.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> To me its like stopping by McDonalds for a cheeseburger an hour before going to steak house. You still can eat at the steak house, but you won't enjoy it as much. These days I only view it if I won't see my partner for days, and I am rethinking even that.


Right, and online porn in particular serves similar elements as fast-food which may appear attractive to the consumer; such as perceived efficiency, a focus on quantity, standardization (of digital interface), and the reliance on technology. And, from a cynical stance, much like fast-food and many other aspects of our society, the result is increased passive consumption that inadvertently results in a lack of substance, reduced human interactions, decreased values, decline in creativity and free thought, exploitation, increased anonymity, and dehumanization. In a society where such structures have become common place, it is understandable why and how it has become part of dominant society.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> I think people watch it for the obvious reason, they enjoy it. I also think the over whelming majority of us can do so without becoming addicted. With that said I do think our appetite for it evolves. When you're a teenager and in your early 20s it really doesn't matter if you're in a sexual relationship. Chances are you are watching it anyway, because you are pretty much always horny. As I have grown older, my appetite for it has significantly declined. To me its like stopping by McDonalds for a cheeseburger an hour before going to steak house. You still can eat at the steak house, but you won't enjoy it as much. These days I only view it if I won't see my partner for days, and I am rethinking even that.
> 
> There are times that I have watched it with a partner, but if anyone has ever tried that its almost pointless. Basically you get so aroused in the first five to ten minutes of watching it that neither of you is paying any attention to the movie anymore anyway, even when its the old school classic ones with "so so" stories and acting. It serves as background noise. I don't think most of us prefer watching it when you have someone sitting there right next to you that you could be having fun with instead.


I would suggest to the man who claims he isn't addicted that he stops the porn for 3 months and sees what happens.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Lila said:


> In order not to thread Jack a different thread, I am starting this thread regarding porn use.
> @UpsideDownWorld11 stated:
> 
> 
> ...


Talking on a forum is easier than a conversation with a woman. This sounds horrible, but if I write a point it gets posted. My posts are not cancelled because someone wants to complain, nor do I have to carefully read every single post and reply with a meaningful and thoughtful response that understands what they wrote, what they were feeling, what was motivating them to write it and reply considering what I am saying and how they will hear what I am saying. 

Because, human interaction is difficult if you are responsible for the result.

So, porn is hugely easier.

But, like the internet forum, real life is ultimately necessary and better.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> To each their own, among consenting adults.
> ............................................................................................
> 
> My only fear is that we will all soon lose our imperfections to some illusion.
> ...


When real life does not matter, then what is real?

What we percive happens only when we are there.

Banal bull****. We can all write that. If we wanted to be idiots.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> When real life does not matter, then what is real?
> 
> What we percive happens only when we are there.
> 
> Banal bull****. We can all write that. If we wanted to be *idiots.*


Hmmm?

Start writing..

I see you live in California, uh, that Californica.

I have an Id. 
I have an Id, an Ego, a Superego

Dost thou?

Yes, I am owning of an * Id yet.*

Your's seem broken, and thy Ego has been trumped by your Super Ego.

Hmmm?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Hmmm?
> 
> Start writing..
> 
> ...


*Yours.

*And everything else.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Mr The Other said:


> ...and reply considering what I am saying and how they will hear what I am saying.
> 
> Because, human interaction is difficult if you are responsible for the result.


Sure, however, it's one thing to have a difference of opinion, and another to be disrespectful. Because, whether you consider it or not, there are humans on the other side of the screen, who likely are feeling and interpreting what is being said/written. Just like you are. And just like I am. While my role is not to police the forum, I'm still a reader of your words (to SunCMars) and as a fellow random of the interwebz with an opinion, this style of interaction is not cool. At the very least, perhaps take a moment to pause, and consider that you are still responsible for the result online.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Lila said:


> In order not to thread Jack a different thread, I am starting this thread regarding porn use.
> @UpsideDownWorld11 stated:
> 
> 
> ...


My wife and I have watched porn. We did it as something different and fun - adding a little spice if you will. That mostly back in the day when you could rent full length porn movies that had a plot. It served as sort of foreplay and added some interesting things to talk about. I don't think that we ever made it through an entire movie.

We've watched a little since then. Now our favorite porn related activity is for one of us to go down on the other while that person watches a porn video and describes in graphic detail everything that is going on. Again, it's just a fun occasional spice added to our fun.

I've watched a little porn on my own. I would sometimes do it when I was traveling for work or when my wife wasn't feeling well. To be honest, I'm more of an erotic story person that a video watcher. I find it more arousing.

I don't know anything about my wife's private porn habits. She may never watch any or maybe she does. I've heard that a small, but non-trivial percentage of porn watching is done by women. I do know that she likes an occasional erotic story because I've seen her buy some of those books on her e-reader account. We've never read one together. Maybe we should.

Aside from the occasional person that gets so hooked on porn that they use it to substitute for real sex, I don't see what the problem with porn is. It's not like people watching it are going to confuse porn for the real world. If you think that is an issue, you must have even more serious problems with people watching crime shows or movies like Silence of the Lambs. 

As for violent porn, I'll just say that it's not my thing. While I've watched porn of things I wouldn't want to do in real life (for example, group sex), I can't imagine watching something in which either partner is hurting or humiliating the other. I don't see how that would be a turn on. Everyone has their own kink, but I would be very hesitant to get involved with someone turned on by that stuff. I'm not suggesting that it be banned, but I don't want it in my life.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> I would suggest to the man who claims he isn't addicted that he stops the porn for 3 months and sees what happens.


Hi, you're back. Anyway, yes this is a good way to find out how dependent on porn you are. Really 2 weeks will give you a good idea if you are addicted. 

On the other hand, going without sex with my partner for 45 days pretty much convinced me that I wasn't in love. Or was addicted or something. Anyway absence for no good reason (she "forgot") certainly forever changed my attitude to her. 

Would 3 months porn free change my attitude towards it? Would three months free of any sexual pleasure change my attitude towards that? Would it bring me peace?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In this day and age, could it be said that because the last couple or so of generations have grown up with porn always just another click available (routine item) with them, that these and future generations will have less stress from having sexual relations than past generations?

Or more?

Or to me certainly, that the great mystery of sex with a woman is greatly demystified, so when it happens in a young person's life, that the feeling of mutual exploration is diminished?

Or will the potentially less stress on the subject give rise to more enjoyment their whole lives?

Or reduced enjoyment?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It is for the art. The amazing cinematography of Boink Me With Your Big Meat part 3 is worth the watch by itself. Not to mention the amazing writing and storyline.>


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Lila said:


> In order not to thread Jack a different thread, I am starting this thread regarding porn use.
> @UpsideDownWorld11 stated:
> 
> 
> ...


I never really needed a "reason". I guess entertainment and curiosity are reason enough.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I was just watching the newer episodes of Altered Carbon and as in many more modern futuristic movies or shows, sex run wild abounds.

Which reminded me of this thread, and here we are.

Sex on demand, in virtual, or itr, it seems the human race is entering the outer fringes of the on ramp of sex becoming a non magical act, a commodity. 

Whereas when I was a teen, it was fantastic to learn how and enjoy. Nowadays it seems younger generations aren't having that opportunity.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Now I'm not stating pro or con, or that I never, or won't again. Just how easy access has changed relationship building


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