# When kids start exploring their bodies



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I didn't post this in the parent section because there are so few posters there that it would take a while to get a variety of responses.

My (female) cousin's 9 year old daughter was recently caught by her mom masturbating. I say "caught" on purpose because my family is pretty conservative when it comes to sexual topics. I was over her house for dinner yesterday and overheard her and hubby talking. I didn't hear everything but my cousin was very angry with her daughter and and basically said that "good girls don't do that."

I never had the "talk" from my parents. My dad and I used to watch "Cops" on TV and he would be changing the channel when prostitution came up even in my late teens because I apparently couldn't handle knowing what it was (but I could handle meth heads and broken families on the show?).

I educated myself on sexuality. I'm trying to improve my knowledge all the time and listen to women more.

How would you react to children (not necessarily sexually active teens) exploring their bodies? Would you be OK with it? What have you done in your family?

I don't want to raise my future kids the way I was raised.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

My sister started very young indeed and would do it quite publicly as she was not aware that it might be a problem.

The doctor advised my mother not to make a big issue of it but to try to redirect her activities before she got too engrossed if it was in a public place.

I don't have kids myself but I would never take the attitude that "good" children don't do that. I would try to explain that some types of touching are socially inappropriate - I wouldn't want to see the children scratching their backsides in public, or picking their noses, and sexual exploration could be added to that list.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Just to be clear, I don't think she was doing it in public just that her mom walked in on her.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Your cousin is most definitely not doing the kid a favor by scolding her for this. At most a kid should receive a re-direction to do it in private. 

If it persists, this girls husband will be here 20 years later complaining about a wife who's cold and boring in bed.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> For the record I do NOT want to catch my kids which is why I take precautions not to.
> 
> That would be a vision I really don't want.


Well it's too late for me.... 

I can just say that I know my two daughters got both of our drive. Both started very young. The oldest was self soothing around 3, she'd do it to put herself to sleep. 

I haven't had to deal with my son yet (he's 9). I think a boy would be a lot harder of an image to deal with though. Much more "in your face" so to speak about what they are doing.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I have a 13 year old son, so....yeah. 

I knock and wait for him to invite me into his room. I've been doing that since he was about 4. It's polite and it keeps me from seeing things I don't want to see. We also had the "some things are fine to do but should be private" discussion quite early.

Basically, OP, teach your children about sexuality in an open, honest, age-appropriate way, avoid shaming them for natural healthy sexual behavior, and teach them the differences between what's appropriate to do and say in public versus private.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

At that age, I don't think she really knows what she is doing in a sexual way, it probably just feels good. 

Mom is making a mistake by calling her out on it. She should ignore the behavior, If it becomes an issue as it in, she is doing it in public or all the time, then the child needs to be taught that it is a private issue.

Also, in some cases it may be a sign of sexual abuse or exposure.We sometimes make things worse by blowing up about these things. What the child could easily forget or get over in a few days, because a lifetime event.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

I'm Catholic and if you know anything about the religion, you know what I'm "supposed" to think. Now I'll tell you what I really think about masturbation.

I have 2 boys who started fairly young, and I told both of them that this was something to do in private. That was the whole discussion at the time. I don't think there's anything wrong with it (as long as it's done privately or with your partner) and nothing to be ashamed about.

I'd never want to walk in on them, so I always knock. Whenever I think about not knocking, I think about that scene in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" LOL.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I don't think it matters a whole lot about what you tell a boy. They're going to wank, even if they get beaten for it. They'll just hide it better and keep doing it. Any woman who thinks otherwise has no clue about the power of surging testosterone on a young brain. Any guy that thinks that is forgetting what it was like as a teen.

Not so with girls. They can easily get shamed into quitting. Anything but a delicate encouragement to do it in private is harmful to them down the road.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> but I've seen what she does with barbies. She does semi sex play with them. I did the same thing and I started young too.


LOL...I did that too. Lucky for my Barbie, I had a Barbie size GI Joe.

Ken was way to metrosexual for me (and her).


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Babies masturbate, young children masturbate, older children and teens and adult do it. It is an activity that humans engage in from the time they discover that touching themselves there feels good.

With babies, it's actually fascinating to watch. A female will rub her diaper covered vulva region against the T straps in car seats, furniture, the corner of the couch. When she's older and out of diapers, she uses her hand. It was at this age I taught my daughters to touch themselves in private. I remember my specific words, "Touching your bottom feels good and it's okay to do that, but you have to go to your room for privacy to do that, just like we go to the bathroom for privacy to bath or toilet."

As children get older, they have been potty trained and that's when a bit of shame is learned. 

Here is what I posted (ranted) in another thread...


> In a fair world we as parents would encourage our children, of both genders, to fully and freely explore their bodies by actively teaching.
> 
> I know other parents have done what Ive done, as we explain to our daughters about their periods we also explain about their clitoris, where it is and what it does. By the time they are dating we should be explaining the various acceptable methods of sex play beginning with kissing, breast touching, genital touching, oral sex, penetrative sex and PIV as well as anal. But the VAST majority of parents explain periods, PIV and then say don't do it.
> 
> ...


When parents deny a child's right to understand their own body, how it works and what feels good, they are essentially dooming that child to sexual issues once they become adults. It's wrong to do what your sister did and that needs to be undone!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Babies masturbate, young children masturbate, older children and teens and adult do it. It is an activity that humans engage in from the time they discover that touching themselves there feels good.
> 
> With babies, it's actually fascinating to watch. A female will rub her diaper covered vulva region against the T straps in car seats, furniture, the corner of the couch. When she's older and out of diapers, she uses her hand. It was at this age I taught my daughters to touch themselves in private. I remember my specific words, "Touching your bottom feels good and it's okay to do that, but you have to go to your room for privacy to do that, just like we go to the bathroom for privacy to bath or toilet."
> 
> ...


Actually it has been found that even fetus have been seen masturbating so... yes its a natural body urge.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I am also very open with my boys about it. hey its normal but its private until you find someone you love and want to share it with and her with you.

I think its wrong and can create sexual hang up if you scold them about it instead of teaching them about it.


although I will say growing up it was considered wrong among most of my friends and if you mentioned it at all you were teased about being gay or not able to find the real thing.

now days it seem much more acceptable to know that most people masterbate and its perfectly ok/normal thing.


hell they even have national masterbation month or week I think in may.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Babies masturbate, young children masturbate, older children and teens and adult do it. It is an activity that humans engage in from the time they discover that touching themselves there feels good.
> 
> With babies, it's actually fascinating to watch. A female will rub her diaper covered vulva region against the T straps in car seats, furniture, the corner of the couch. When she's older and out of diapers, she uses her hand. It was at this age I taught my daughters to touch themselves in private. I remember my specific words, "Touching your bottom feels good and it's okay to do that, but you have to go to your room for privacy to do that, just like we go to the bathroom for privacy to bath or toilet."
> 
> ...


I agree a lot. People are embarrassed to talk to kids about sex because it's "weird" but if not you then who? The schools? Friends? The internet? Parents should be more motivated to give accurate info then anyone else.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

There's been a variety of answers already but I thought I'd toot my horn here anyways.

From personal experience, I think I've "explored" since I was a fetus. Of course, as a child it wasn't sexual (it just felt good, so I did it) - and GASP, might have even came as young as four if you can believe that. It didn't become a regular thing until I was 8 or 9 and still, it wasn't even remotely sexual until I was fourteen or so, grew boobs, had a period and started really thinking about boys....

I think the reaction this young girl got was deplorable, but forgivable if the mom corrects the situation. I've already been there with my oldest son in terms of the shock value that seeing your LO play with themselves can have as a parent. 

Still, masturbation is healthy and needn't be discouraged or shamed - all that's needed in my free-spoken (the gin and tonic helps), opinion is to teach the child that it's okay but it's a PRIVATE activity just like getting dressed/using the bathroom etc. so keep it in their rooms.

Add to that, I think shaming for girls when it comes to masturbation is terrible too because, we are like ovens, men - microwaves when it comes to sex. When she's of age and married, it would help her, her husband (or wife (though I pray not with a mom that whackadoo about masturbation)), if she knows how to get an O on her own. So many grown women don't know how to do this and that's SAD. It's not your husband/boyfriend's job to teach you about YOUR BODY!

As a mom - well, I don't know about masturbating as a fetus but I do have two boys and their hands have and do wander down to their junk since babies (one is a baby and many a diaper change and every bath time, that's where his hands wander to). It probably feels good to them is all. It's not sexual or perverted and it's totally natural, not "what 'good girls/boys' don't do."


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## Work-In-Progress (May 21, 2013)

I'm a little weirded out by the thought of walking in on one of our kids (2 boys and a girl, oldest is 8). I must say I do get a little chuckle when I give our 20 month old daughter a bath. She's old enough now to stand up when I wash her private parts, and she always squirms when the wash cloth gets to her vaginal area. No such reactions from the boys.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Ummm on the topic of this, I had a spontaneous O when I was maybe 14 while working out.

I can have them doing certain workouts without touching myself. I have heard about other women having this but no one I know personally.

BTW I don't have kids, but shaming them about this kind of thing is out of line and wrong


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