# Wife reached a midlife crisis and took off. Need advice



## Rider on the Storm (Mar 21, 2018)

Hi all, first time poster. 

Seems like a great community with lots of supportive members so I thought I'd drop in and share my story.

My wife and I have been together for 15 years, married for 9. We met when we were in our early 20s. Our relationship was always great, we were very open and honest, no infidelity, we had great communication and so much love for each other. There have been rough times too, for sure. Financial problems were always there, but we kept smiling and went to bed in each other's arms every night. For reasons I won't go into here, last year we both started suffering from depression. I didn't cope with it very well, left my (rather awful) job and was miserable. She started seeing a therapist and taking an anti depressant. After a while she told me she wants to leave, but we discussed it and agreed to see a MC. I recovered from my depression and was getting back on track, but she was already gone mentally at that stage. We've been to 4-5 sessions until three weeks ago she just walked out the door in tears after she saw to it that we have a beautiful last day together, which I thought was kind of brutal. 

In that time frame she has changed substantially, and is experiencing what I call a midlife crisis for a lack of a better term. She is going out more, meeting new people, has a lot of new girlfriends, suddenly interested in every silly activity or idea and just generally acting very weird posting random photos on FB etc. We had a very close relationship, we were together a lot because we both worked from home very often, and I might have been a rather needy husband emotionally. I admit. She feels that this symbiosis was harmful for both of us, leading to us not fulfilling our individual potentials. Now that I'm on the outside I can see this was probably true, although I feel this is a problem we can solve now that it's out in the open. 

Since she left we have had several conversations and even met a few times. I've done the required soul searching and I think I have a good understanding of what she is going through and where I failed. I listen to her and try to be as compassionate as I can. I'm also obviously dead serious about working on my own problems and facing the issues that come up in this process. She cries a lot when we talk, doesn't shy away from hugging me, kissing me, holding my hand, she says she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me but she can't be with me right now, she needs to be alone, think alone, act alone. When I say I want to give her all the space and time she needs, she gets nervous about me even having hope of reconciling to the point of losing sleep over it. The only thing she agrees to is a separation with no time limit, no mutual commitment to solve problems, nothing. After a few hours discussing this, she agreed to a one month NC separation and seeing our MC afterwards. Although, I know for a fact that she is very pessimistic about our chances and that she does not intend to come back after this month (we speak openly about her needing new accommodation etc). I also see no point in going to the MC if she doesn't want to move forward. She claims there is no other man and I believe her although I know for a fact she is being a bit flirtatious and curious. Nevertheless she agreed that for now we both shouldn't be free to see other people, which is good. 

So hear I am. Right now I know the only thing I can do is work on myself. I need a new job, I need to move forward with my own personal dreams and desires, and hope that she sees my commitment to change and forge a new and improved relationship. The only thing that bothers me is whether or not I am hurting this process by keeping my hopes alive... I would love to hear your thoughts.


Thank you all so much


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Sorry to say this but she's cheating on you. There's nothing you can do to change things while her affair is still going on.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Maybe my post will help ease into the advice and information you are about to get from the Vets but get ready and please stay and listen to what needs to be said because it will eventually save you and give you the only chance to save the marriage if you are willing to do anything to save it.

"She claims there is no other man and I believe her" - Don't believe her. Sadly, everything you have explained, everything that you have said, everything that she has done .... pretty much means she is in a current affair or is on her way towards one. The NC separation is for her to have the time of her life with the other man, men or search for them but most likely already has one.

Do you have kids?

If you haven't and please don't take this lightly. Go see a lawyer NOW.

And now, get ready for the onslaught of 2x4s that are about to come your way and tell you what is really going on.


----------



## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Unfortunately in these situations "alone" usually means the opposite. I'm a divorce lawyer and have heard hundreds of stories like this. The person who needs "space" or to be "alone" almost never means that. It means they want space to be with someone else whilst keeping you as a backup in case that doesn't work out.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

yep. most likely cheating, cant stand to see you because of the guilt, she knows that you didn't do anything wrong and would be devastated if you caught her. plus, its hard to date her new boyfriend with you in the way. agreed that you two shouldn't see other people so that she knows she still has you to fall back on if things don't work out with her new man, etc. 

at least, if your story is anything like the hundreds of similar stories that have come through these forums, that's what is going on. 

i would immediately file for divorce. even if she isn't cheating on you, she needs to know that her leaving you in limbo means you will get out of limbo via the most direct method.


----------



## Rider on the Storm (Mar 21, 2018)

Well I do believe her. Even if something did happen as part of her explorations, there is no full blown affair. If there was she would act differently. I know her too well. For example, she would never kiss or hug me, and would tell me I should see other women too. I just know her, this can't be the case. If it is, well, yeah that's pretty much the end of it. The lies will hurt more than the actual cheating. We'll see. 

BTW THERE'S ANOTHER THREAD WITH THE SAME TITLE, PLEASE RESPOND IN THE OTHER THREAD! THX


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

FIRST STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!!!
Marriage is two people. A break really, REALLY!!
NO CONTACT? REALLY!!
I would tell her that if she wants a break then
you will be glad to DIVORCE. She probably has
someone else she is either having a PHYSICAL
AFFAIR with or an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR with. Getting 
you out of the way (NO CONTACT) lets her test to see
how far she can take it. If her AFFAIR fails she has you
to fall back on (PLAN B) If she does not want to work on 
your marriage, no kids tell her goodbye. She may come 
back but I think she is all ready gone. GOOD LUCK
STOP BLAMING YOURSELF AND STOP BEING MR NICE GUY,


----------

