# I Need Advice



## Knightdriver (Oct 1, 2010)

Normally, when I need advice of this nature, I would consult with my wife. But obviously, if I'm posting in this section, that's not an option. 

Quite plainly, I've become afraid to touch my wife and I don't know what to do. Over the last few weeks I've been more dysfunctional in bed. It used to be incredibly easy, having sex with my wife, now even when I want it, I dread it. 

Truth is, my wife is only middle aged, but her teeth are in bad shape and I'm afraid they're going to fall out at any time. I feel like there's nothing I can do about this. I don't like looking at her when she smiles because all I can do is worry about when her teeth are going to fall out. 

I try to talk about getting this fixed, but we went to the dentist and they said either dentures (which would be $12,000), better dentures (which would be $30,000) or full implant replacement (which would be $100,000). These quotes were WITH insurance. 

I immediately suggested a second opinion, but she wouldn't do it. I even got so far as setting up an appointment with a dental implant specialist, but in the end she said she was uncomfortable taking off work to go. I felt partially responsible because I wasn't as diligent as I could have been about getting her x-rays from the previous dentist. 

When this subject comes up she cries and says there's nothing we can do. So we do nothing. I can't insist on getting the second opinion I want so badly, because she always finds a way to convince me to stop trying to do something concerning her teeth. 

We once fought about it so badly that she went for all the low blows, attacked me in all the places she knew I was emotionally vulnerable, nearly inducing a mental breakdown. It was the kind of fighting that one thinks is reserved for a person who's dying slowly of a wasting disease. It remains the only time this has happened. 

This was over two years ago and I'm only getting more worried. I don't like bringing it up to her because it feels like a problem with no answer, and talking about it will only end up in a fight (because it usually does). She seems to have resigned herself to being toothless. But this is not acceptable to me. 

I keep telling her that I will love her regardless, but I always feel very guilty, because I know there is this chance now that I might want a divorce anyway because I'm getting less comfortable around her sexually. I keep fearing her teeth will fall out during sex. I can't get that image to leave my mind. 

I am completely beside myself. I can't bring the subject up, I can't do anything other then wonder how to suddenly earn A LOT more money, which if I could work that magic, I'd already have done. 

I feel horrible, and when we're together all I can do is think about how horrible I feel. I want this feeling to go away, and unfortunately getting divorced would make the dread go away..for me. 

I feel trapped, I can't help her with this because she never wants to deal with it. I always just tend to slide into her way of thinking about this and end up in the land of well-there's-nothing-we-can-do. 

I hate living in that place. I want to feel comfortable and attracted to my wife again. 

Help.


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## MJUltra (Sep 28, 2010)

You have to be honest with her but you can't sit there and judge her either. If you've been married to her for years, then I assume the tooth issue has been one that has been years in the making. Whether it's bad genes, neglect or disease, I doubt it happened overnight. If you side-step the issue much longer, all you do is drive yourself crazy, and drive a wedge between the two of you. While not exactly the same argument, if you were obese and your wife couldn't stand the sight of you, wouldn't you rather she told you about it (in a loving way) so that you could do something about it -- which would improve not only your health but your marriage?

While implants/dentures are expensive to be sure, something, even if it's just talking about it, is better than the current course of action. Being frozen gets you nowhere. Don't give up on the possibility that the two of you together are stronger than either one alone, and that you can find a way to make the situation better, even if it's not perfect.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sure she is just as devastated as you are. I would suggest going together to talk to some sort of counselor, pastor, whatever, to air it out and tell the truth.


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## Knightdriver (Oct 1, 2010)

Actually, we did end up having the conversation. So that was good. I'm hoping it will help things. But I'm starting the think the stress over that was only a symptom of the real trouble. And if it is, the trouble lies in myself.

Thing is, I've never felt that amazing, passionate, whirlwind love with my wife. I've always felt like I've had to slow down and be reasonable. I know she loves me, I know I love her. When we work, we work, when we don't work, we find a way to make it work. It's been like this for our entire relationship. 

But on some level, I'm still not getting the love I want. I grew up feeling that love was like something out of a romance story. And even if you two weren't absolutely, always, madly, passionately in love, you could point to moments in your relationship, where you knew it was the case and be happy in that. But I have never felt that. 

I feel like I am trying to swoop in through the open window, sword and roses in hand and I am met with an obliging, willing, but ultimately practical princess. I feel simultaneously a little disappointed and like I shouldn't complain. She has never withheld sex or affection (despite my own problems in that arena). But when I hold her, she doesn't want to fall into my arms. And that hurts. 

I sometimes feel like we're not two adults in love, but two scared, damaged children, who love each other, but aren't quite what we had in mind. Or maybe it's just me. 

If I try to go on a bout of romanticism, she will look embarrassed and deflect things with cynical humor. While I can horse around with her in front of others, she's obviously uncomfortable with it. I want us to be the Great Romantic Couple, but she seems reluctant to play along. 

When I look at other women, I think about approaching them and flirting with them. How, yes, I might get rejected, but I might also get to see them blush or be enchanted with my antics. I see the possibility of getting what I'm not getting now. 

I had this one girlfriend who I had all this with. The candles, the roses, and silk sheets, everything. Hell, I read poetry and we poured wine. We did all that. My wife, isn't into that stuff. There's always something more important to do. Maybe I feel the same way, I don't know. 

I feel a little trapped. No more roses, no more wine, so more candles and silk. No longer romantic, but domestic. I shouldn't complain, but I do, I hate it. I kind of want to leave her, find a girl more into sexual/romantic displays and risk it all on the off chance that I can have those days with someone again. 

Maybe I just don't want to be married anymore. Maybe I don't see the point of not living my life exactly the way i want to, if I don't get to have children. She never said she wanted my children. Why the hell am I compromising my life?

There was a period where I asked if she wanted them. I REALLY stressed that she has to be completely open and honest with me. She said she could take or leave having kids. That hurt and was a relief all at the same time. 

But now, I look back on it, and...I don't know. 

I realize that I'm kind of dumping my mind raw and unfiltered here. I think the bottom line is that I don't know what I want. When I got married, I knew. But now I don't.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I hate romance. It does embarrass me. And it feels utterly alien to me. I just hate it. My husband has had to accept it, because I can't fake being that way.


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## Shano (Sep 30, 2010)

I personally love it. But it depends on the person and how they did it. If that makes sense. I've dated a lot before marriage, and when someone did something genuinely sweet it was really nice. But if they did the same thing and was a bit reluctant in doing so or felt like they had ultra motives for it, that feeling ruined the "glow of the moment".

One of the sweetest things my husband did, was last V-day I was sick and suffering a miscarriage and the flu all at once. He tucked a dozen roses where I found them waking up. It was super sweet, until he was like "go pick out one of the vases I got so and so, they are downstairs in the". And it sort of soured the mood a bit.

I kept one of the roses and dried it out, because it was like the first flower he ever gave me. But then I also never used one of the suggested vases and instead just used one of our tea glass containers from the kitchen.

And he's got a huge collection of those vases you get when you buy flowers in them. So I know he bought a lot of flowers for others, but in the whole time we've been together? I only got them once.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Reckon I know exactly where you’re at. Life is chock full of “practicalities”, I think of them as engine room stuff. Paying the bills, washing, ironing, cooking, gardening etc. etc. All good and very necessary. Romance? That’s top deck stuff, the real cream of life. For me romance is how pure love is demonstrated. It’s not a “service”, it’s a thought, a concept, a shared ideal. When romance is not there what does the other stuff count for? No romance? No “in love”.

Bob




Knightdriver said:


> Actually, we did end up having the conversation. So that was good. I'm hoping it will help things. But I'm starting the think the stress over that was only a symptom of the real trouble. And if it is, the trouble lies in myself.
> 
> Thing is, I've never felt that amazing, passionate, whirlwind love with my wife. I've always felt like I've had to slow down and be reasonable. I know she loves me, I know I love her. When we work, we work, when we don't work, we find a way to make it work. It's been like this for our entire relationship.
> 
> ...


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## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

You, really have no clue on what true love is​For one, if you loved her as much as you, say you do; you, would not be on here writing all this mean stuff about her teeth and about them falling out while making love; well, as you put it having sex.... If you, if really love her- you, would not be judging her for the way she looks, and sure in the heck would not be broadcasting about her teeth on here. That should be something between the two of you...​
Yes, this is a site to come for help​But, this is a little nuts to be asking something like this. _*True love comes from the heart- and loving a person comes from their heart- it has nothing to do with their looks. Looks do not matter; it's what the person holds deep down inside*_​ Also, I have family member who do have fake teeth and it is not as much as you say it is- not even close and no, they do not even have insurance for theirs either- It only covers from $1,000- $1,500 the most that the people in my family paid was less than $1,500 of their own- so you must really be bad on how your wife is and wants her to have pegs placed into her mouth or permit ones that are not removable- that would be the only way it cost that much.

If you are not happy with her anymore​Then leave her stop trying to change her. Love, is not that way- by the sounds of it her teeth were bad when you met her- meaning you fell in love with her being that way. So deal with it and know what the meaning of true love is. And stop judging on their looks.​


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have to disagree with blueeyedbeauty. I subscribe to the theory from marriagebuilders.com, which says that we each have our own unique Emotional Needs. And one of the most common ENs is to have an attractive spouse. Sorry, but it IS human nature to want to be with someone attractive. It's nothing to be ashamed of. 

Now, there's a difference between natural born beauty - which we have no control over - and someone who takes good care of themselves so as to be attractive. We all owe our spouse at least taking good care of ourselves.


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## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

turnera said:


> I have to disagree with blueeyedbeauty. I subscribe to the theory from marriagebuilders.com, which says that we each have our own unique Emotional Needs. And one of the most common ENs is to have an attractive spouse. Sorry, but it IS human nature to want to be with someone attractive. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
> 
> Now, there's a difference between natural born beauty - which we have no control over - and someone who takes good care of themselves so as to be attractive. We all owe our spouse at least taking good care of ourselves.


I have read many of books- and have been through so much in my life- more than anyone should ever be... I would be here for hours telling you people about my life, things that happened to me and so much more- the one thing I do know about is what love is, and true love is... You do not have to agree with me- but I know what I am talking about


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Knightrider,

Just an idea, but maybe there's a dental college withing striking range of you. She might negotiate a deal with them. My dad got some very state-of-the-art dental work for a very low cost at one. He's positively thrilled with the work they did. The techniques would be the very latest and greatest and under close supervision.


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