# wife having private phone conversations with ex



## Lax (Feb 11, 2010)

Is it appropriate that my wife of 15 years has reconnected with an ex-boyfriend. They had a 4 yr sexual relationship prior to us meeting. She insists on having frequent, long private phone conversations. She tells me there is nothing inappropriate going on. I am uncomfortable. What do I do?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Keylogger time Computer and Internet Monitoring Software

Tap her phone FlexiSPY

I haven't used either one, but they seem to look the best of what's out there.


I think you should also tell her that you are uncomfortable with what is going on. She may feel that everything is innocent, but certainly the guy on the other end of the phone is sexually interested in her.


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

Well, I have had conversations with my ex as well. For some reason or another, these conversations were fulfilling an emotional need I had that I was not receiving in my marriage. I also realized that while I care for my ex, this was not the path I wanted to take and as such no longer contact him. This still remains difficult but it is for the best.

You need to talk with her and let her know that you are uncomfortable, yet trust her. Ask her why she feels the need to have these conversations. Tell her you want to be the one she is talking to. Ask her if she is not being fulfilled in your relationship and what is it you can do to correct that.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Depends......life is long and we go through things. For me I ended it with a girl who I was head over heals for to be with the mother of my 1st child who I later married and had more kids with.

I think about her all the time. I'm very happy in my marriage, but I guess alot of me needed closure of some sort. We talked over Facebook for 7 weeks nothing even remotely flirty almost business like and proper. Then finally we talked about what happened so long ago. I shared my feelings over the years and apologized. Sort of like when two best friends quit talking over something where one clearly screwed up and then apologizes years later. That's what it was like. 

She also shared is very very happily married and acknowledged that she forgave me and that she only wishes the best for me and my wife. That our memories together will always be cherished part of her life as hers are mine.

I still think about her, but it's different now because I really feel closure like she knows, I apologized, she forgave, my guilt is diminshed.

Since then we don't talke much at all and haven't talked over the phone period cause that would be wierd. I'll send a funny joke or video once a week or two. She'll send a news story. For me getting to the core really helped alot. 

Most of the advice you'll get here is "Leave the past in the past" "She/He is going to cheat" "Grow up" "That's a affair already!"

Good luck!! I don't know the situation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her that she's welcome to talk to him as long as you are in the room. If she wants to do it any other time, then she is leading into an emotional affair with him. Hard to argue with that.


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## Lax (Feb 11, 2010)

Thanks for all your advice. She recently started talking to him with me in the room but seems to be on the phone or texting with him everytime I turn around. She assures me there is nothing inappropriate being talked about but they are in constant contact. This really bother me. Am I over reacting? Even if the content of conversations is innocent, I am uncomfortable with how often they are in contact. Am I being an a** for not wanting her to talk/text him so often?


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## Big Bear (Feb 11, 2010)

Before you tap her phone, or spy on her movements, try asking her why it is so important for her to carry on a relationship that is hurtful to you. What is she gaining from it? If she knows it bugs you yet continues anyway she is disrespetful at best.


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## Lax (Feb 11, 2010)

I've tried asking her why. All I get is she doesn't want to have to give up a friend. (meaning him) The other thing she keeps throwing at me is nothing will happen since she does not drive and would have no way to leave to have an affair. In my oppinion this is irrelevent. Excessive phone use in itself I think is having an emmotional affair. She disagrees. She does not believe there is such a thing. I'm getting frustrated!


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## Lax (Feb 11, 2010)

Tried asking her to tone it down. All I get is the run around. I try to tell her that if it was the other way around she would not approve. She tells me she would trust me but I know this is false. For the last 15 yrs she has always been the jealous type. If I even looked at another woman I would be scolded. She is only telling me this since she started talking with her ex after 14 yrs apart. For 14 yrs ex's were off limits in our household (her request). Now that she found her ex. she tells me it is ok to talk with ex's. She is changing the rules to suit her desires. I am not happy.


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## BellaOnlineMarriageEditor (Feb 12, 2010)

Sounds like your wife has double standards. What concerns me is that the conversations are long and private. That makes it seem as if there is something to hide (which may or may not be the case) 

How did you find out about these conversations in the first place? Did she tell you about them or did you discover them on your own?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

aeiousimplicity said:


> Like I always say, "snooping" or "sneaking" is never the answer. Just being cautious or concerned is such a cop-out. You should never have a reason to mess with her stuff. If it ever reaches that point, something needs to be worked out with both of you.
> 
> Anyway, I kind of get her for wanting privacy on the phone. I don't care who it is - my boyfriend, mother, friend - I like being alone when I'm on the phone. I hate the feeling of someone analyzing every word that comes out of my mouth.
> 
> ...


Wow.

So many things.

Once a person is in the middle of an emotional affair, getting their 'fix' of highs from spending time with that person, just saying 'please don't' is a JOKE, 95% of the time. Why would they give up their heroin just because you're unhappy? They're happy - for the FIRST time in their life! (at least, that's what the fog tells them)

Why is she always on the phone with her ex? Because IT FEELS GOOD!

Of course, the OP needs to become a better husband and fill those needs himself, so she doesn't need to look elsewhere, but she is ALREADY in the affair. It's too late to pretend she'll just give it up.


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## Lax (Feb 11, 2010)

The conversations apparently started last May. I did not find out until October. I knew she was occasionally texting with him in August. It escalated from there. She at first told me she did not want to talk to him out of respect for me, but she lied. She had been talking since May. The lies continued. She would tell me she was staying up late to talk with girlfriends. She in fact was talking to him. One day her cell phone rang and I looked at it and his name appeared. I asked her if she was talking with him and she fessed up. This was in October. Things slacked off after that and life was getting better. This past week, everyday she has been on the phone or texting w/ him numerous times a day. (6 or 7 calls a day, ??? texts) Ugh!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you can do is expose the affair so that it is no longer fun. What's the biggest wakeup call she can get? Her parents calling her and saying what on earth are you doing?

What's the biggest wakeup call the ex can get? You calling his wife and saying, are you aware he's cheating?

I would also tell her point blank "You are having an affair" (and hand her a book on emotional affairs) "and I will NOT support it while you destroy our marriage. You either stop contacting him or I will cancel the phone and internet service." 

Women don't respect weak men. She's getting a thrill from him because he's bold enough to cross the line. Be the stronger of the two.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

aeiousimplicity said:


> She might be happy, but she needs to grow the balls & tell him the truth. It sounds like you condone the way she's going about things, which is absolutely ridiculous. He shouldn't be thrown to the wolves because she can't tell him the truth.


 Do you not understand how an affair works? It's too late. She will NOT tell him the truth. She is having an affair! Cheaters LIE to protect their fix. They also rewrite history to justify; by now, her whole marriage has been a sham, and she was just suffering through it until she could reconnect with her one true love. 

There IS no truth with her any more until the ex is gone.


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## Lax (Feb 11, 2010)

First, both her parents are deceased. Second her ex is single. Third, I am not being weak. I have threatened to call him, turn off the phones, etc. This just pisses her off. I want to work things out and have a happy marriage not end up divorced so I am trying not to be too pushy.


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## Big Bear (Feb 11, 2010)

Lax said:


> First, both her parents are deceased. Second her ex is single. Third, I am not being weak. I have threatened to call him, turn off the phones, etc. This just pisses her off. I want to work things out and have a happy marriage not end up divorced so I am trying not to be too pushy.


Threats are not indicators of strength. Agree your not being week, but you are being passive/agressive which can be worse. And she says there can't be an affair because of the distance involved?? Thats just insulting if you ask me. What would happen if he lived next door??

Bear


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lax said:


> First, both her parents are deceased. Second her ex is single. Third, I am not being weak. I have threatened to call him, turn off the phones, etc. This just pisses her off. I want to work things out and have a happy marriage not end up divorced so I am trying not to be too pushy.


NOT accepting an affair in your face is NOT being pushy. It is having dignity and respect for yourself.

So what if she is mad? Your marriage can survive her anger. It CANNOT survive a third person.

She has no siblings you can call and ask for help in saving your marriage? No best friends?


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## Lax (Feb 11, 2010)

her sister is taking her side. Some of her friends that are married still are close with their ex's so I am outnumbered here. I have nowhere to turn.


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## Lax (Feb 11, 2010)

her sister is taking her side. Some of her friends that are married still are close with their ex's so I am outnumbered here. I have nowhere to turn.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you actually spoken to them?

Have you found this guy's family and called THEM? To let them know their family member is breaking up a family?


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## Lax (Feb 11, 2010)

I have no way of contacting any of them without going through my wife. She hates to be embarrassed and contacting any of them would surely embarrass her. This would lead to more trouble for me.


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## Big Bear (Feb 11, 2010)

Wait, so you don't want to embarrass her??? It's time for you to stand up for yourself friend. If you don't want to "cause trouble" then I would not expect anything to change. Why would she change if you're afraid to?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's the point! She wants her fix with OM more than you right now. If she heard from her family and they told her they were disappointed in her, suddenly this guy may not seem like such a good idea. All the fantasies she's building up in her head - ditching you, bringing him home to Thanksgiving Dinner, him being integrated into their family - it'll all fall like a house of cards.

Your marriage can survive her being mad at you! 

It CANNOT survive another man!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And saying you can't contact them without going through her is utter BS. I've seen people hire PIs ACROSS THE WORLD to track down relatives of OM, to contact them.

You're just afraid of your wife's anger, nothing more. 

Any wonder why she's looking for a stronger man?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lax said:


> She hates to be embarrassed and contacting any of them would surely embarrass her.


And that is EXACTLY why you have to contact them. It's the ONE thing that would put a wrench in the works with her affair.

She will not listen to you. Right now, you are the enemy. She's probably plotting with OM on how to get rid of you as we speak.

She WILL listen to - or at least be _affected_ by - her family and their disappointment in her. And you know this. So use the knowledge you have, and FIGHT for your marriage!


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## Lax (Feb 11, 2010)

Wife's sister is taking her side. She unfortunatly does not have any other living family. I am trying not to piss her off because I do not want to end my marriage. She has threatened to separate. We tried counciling for a short time. Wife did not like what councilor had to say. I do not want to end my marriage. I have 15 years of my life invested in it and am not willing to give up yet. She talks to him and plays wifi video games with him and my 14 yr old daughtor so the talking is not of sexual nature. She simply has this NEED to talk to him quite often. Verry frustrated!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, make it a conference call, then. Sign on and become a participant in the game so you can be on there while they are on there. Or trade places with your daughter, as long as YOU are there whenever they talk; at least that way he'll always be aware that she has a husband. Come on. Make some better decisions. And stop letting fear rule your life. You will be ashamed of yourself when she tells you she is moving to his state.

I ask again, how do you KNOW her sister is taking her side? Didn't you say YOU couldn't talk to her? Is your wife TELLING you her sister sides with her? Are you that naive?


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