# concerned about me now.



## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

ok, so it's all over. my H apologizes profusely, does everything right to make ammends, and I believe he is truly sorry and wants to make things work. 
i have worked through the denial, anger at me, anger at him, unending sadness/crying, confusion at the future, and was seemingly beginning to be happy again.

Sunday morning, immediately when I woke up, I felt different. I was no longer sad or angry. I have no desire to get even. 
Sunday, I just didn't want to be married to him anymore. My love seems to have left. I have spent these last couple of days trying to convince myself I really do love him. But I feel cold towards him. I have not talked to him about this, as I don't want to alarm him ( I have no intention of leaving him) but I cant explain what I feel right now. I'm just not *in love*.

Will this pass?


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## jay62 (Feb 16, 2010)

i actually feel the same as you. It has been a long 6 months since I found out about my H affair. He tries to do evreything for me and says he loves me all the time but I just don't feel the same about him as I did before I found out. I too have not done anyhting about it as I don't want to hurt my kids and family. 
I hope you find what is right for you and you alone as it is a long and sad marraige with out love, as I am begining to find out.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Your love or non-love for him is not some seperate entity that comes and leaves like a spirit. It's simply a matter of being true to yourself and asking if you really forgive him and really want to work it out or not.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Like it or not you are still on an emotional roller coaster. It will continue for some time. Marriages take time to heal. Trust takes time, deeper love takes time. If your husband continues on his current path in accepting his errors, re-devoting himself to you and your marriage, wouldn't that make him a better man and husband then you have had in the past? Give him time to prove himself but just as importantly yourself time to heal, forgive and reconnect. My marriage survived an affair (EA) and we are both so glad we gave it time to.


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

maybe I'm just finished being mad, tired of worrying over whether or not it's really over, sick of thinking about what *really* went on...because i am certain there were lies told, and truths withheld.
maybe i'm just finished with it all. still feel like holding on to see if how i feel will change.


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## Enough!!! (Feb 1, 2010)

Do you think our significant others really get how the betrayal effects the love in a marriage? Does the cheated really get the extent of damage caused to their soul?
As I stated in my other posts, ever since I found out my H cheated... it's just NOT the same. When he says he loves me... my ears here it, but my heart does not. His arms just don't have the warm and security they once had. Maybe it is the constant fear, that it could all be taken away again in one foul "moment of weakness".
Maybe what you describe (as I describe myself), is this is your own body's protective mechanism, setting up walls to prevent further hurt. But as I have come to discover, these walls also prevent love and happiness healing our soul.
Unless you have been cheated on by the one person you love more in this world, you can never truly understand the magnitude of the ONGOING pain that will be felt, sometimes for years later?
My H told me the day I found out, that if the roles were reversed, he doesn't think he would stay?
Why do we as women always feel we have to fix everything "for the family", take the world on our shoulders, to make everything OK? Why do we feel it is our responsibility to fill the void left by our partners betrayal.
I can't say I have gotten to where you are at this stage. But something is off... way off! I thought I was letting him back into my life, but only to a degree. That constant fear is in the back of my mind telling me to protect myself. If my H was to stray again... I will need to be strong for my children, and if I allow myself to become vulnerable to that hurt, I will inevitable become a wreck. And that is not going to help anyone. So it's a double edge sword... If I keep up the wall, I may never experience the love I so desperately want to share again with my husband. If I allow myself to take it down, then I take a huge risk of requiring a straight jacket and padded cell?
I do understand your pain, But you are still confused, give yourself some time. That's all we have!


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

Enough...It is not just women who do this. I have found myself doing this after I found about my wife's affair. It has been about 4 months since I found out. My wife would have had the same reaction as your husband and I would be sitting here alone right now.

Monday - I don't know how long it has been for you but I have had that lack of feeling for my wife that lasted for several days. I know I am still processing a lot of what has happened, and I kind of shut off after a while.

For me I am generally not an emotional person, at least in showing them. I did notice the lack of feeling anything for her, as did she.

Give it some time. I'm not sure where my wife and I are going to end up, but I am just taking it one day at a time. I suggest you do that also.


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

Just decided this morning that I am going to have to talk to him about it. This has gone on since Sunday, and I do not like what I am feeling. I know I may be placing too much significance on *feelings* and not enough on using my head but this is driving me nuts. I can't allow myself to put up walls...that's part of what caused our problems in the beginning.
Now I just have to figure out what to say and how to say it. 
"I dont know if I want to live with you for the rest of my life" doesnt seem to cover it. I have to figure this out, I can't go on like this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honesty is the only road back to a real marriage.

And please don't make any decisions for at least 6 months - your emotions are in control right now, and you need your mind in control.

My mom told me once that there's no shame in quitting a job - as long as you first give that job a full year to deserve you.


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

well, I told him how I am feeling... that I am not sure that I want to be with him, that I absolutely love him, but I am not sure I can continue living with him. Told him I want to work this out, that I want to give us a chance, but that I feel cold towards him.
He said he understands. That's it. "I understand". *&^%!! Not sure what I expected.... almost as if it makes no difference if I stay or go. So, now I am wondering if he is back in contact with the OW, does he give a damn??? Am I reading too much into this? Maybe he just didnt know what to say. He hugged me, said he understands, said he loves me and wants to be with me. Didnt feel very genuine. Now I'm really lost.
I know I am supposed to give this time...as Turnera said... but I jsut dont know how much longer. It has been since Oct 24th.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's probably scared to death to say the wrong thing, to set you off and make you leave. Tell him how you felt about his reaction, and ask him to elaborate. Tell him that, above all, you just need to know what he's thinking and feeling.


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

turnera said:


> He's probably scared to death to say the wrong thing, to set you off and make you leave. Tell him how you felt about his reaction, and ask him to elaborate. Tell him that, above all, you just need to know what he's thinking and feeling.


wow...okay...we just went to lunch and it ALLLLL came out....straight out of the blue! There we were, eating lunch and the discussion turned to friends of ours who are in the big middle of a divorce. 

Then, the discussion turned to "us". That's when I got the reaction from my talking with him the other night. (maybe he just needed some time to think about what I had said???) 

Anyway, ... one more step in the right direction ( I think ). He was definitely worried about me asking him to leave. He says I am all he ever wanted, that the 6 week *fling* was the biggest mistake of his life. 

I can't thank everyone here enough....this board has helped me through the roughest time in my life. All of you here have been a real blessing. Thank you all so much.

Now, not only will I be healing my own heart and relationship, I will help anyone here in any way I possibly can. I am a long way from full recovery, but without this board, I dont know if I would even be on the right track.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Glad to hear this Monday. Good luck. I'm glad you realize this will take time to fully settle out. Probably more than you think so hang in there. Good luck.


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