# Wife wants out, won’t admit it but wants me to take the blame



## costas48 (Oct 6, 2019)

My wife of 21 years has been pushing me out of our marriage for 3 years by limiting sex, being distant etc. and finally found a way to leave: I used to have a hydrocodone problem but haven’t had a pill in 8 years. She was helping me get some old hunting clothes I found in the attic washed up and found 3 pills in a pocket. We have had mice in the attic so I’ve been putting out traps and checking them so I’ve been up there a lot. It’s how I found the clothes. She says I’ve been going up there to hide and take pills. So we fight and fight for 2 weeks that they were old, which they were, until I finally said “maybe I should move out.”
She quickly agrees and goes on and on about how it’s my fault and I finally gave in and said “OK! ITS MY FAULT FOR TAKING PILLS YEARS AGO AND WE CANNOT GET OVER IT” through text. (she has this huge complex about who’s fault everything is). I then said “I’ll bring the kids home tomorrow (we are at our deer camp now) and tell them and get packed up.”
She then says that she will leave and has an apartment picked out already and she just needs support for a couple months until she can find a job. 
BAM! I then knew I was right! She just wants to be on her own. We have a very successful business but it has my name on it, she drives a $140k car, I give her everything material wise and used to emotionally until she shut down. She told me once “I get tired of being Mrs. SoInSo, I’d rather be known by my name.”

So WTF? Does this happen often? We built the business together and have had more success than we ever dreamed. She is gorgeous, a legit 9.5, but thinks she’s fat. She’s just 41 y/o after 2 kids and still only 130 lbs. I’m not ugly. Her kids are gorgeous and healthy. BUT I have doted over her since high school. It used to make my friends sick as I would open doors, pull out chairs, send her flowers randomly and so on. She has no respect for me and sees me as weak. I just always tried to be a gentleman and I think it grew old and became weakness. 

Well, weak left the building yesterday. But still, what’s the deal? I think it’s someone else but it may be her extreme, extreme independence. Any other ideas? I have never been more than 5 miles away from her but she keeps all of our credit cards linked to her phone so she can see what charges I make, she has my “find my iPhone” info bc I never go anywhere that I would care if she found out.
She got mad at me last year over something silly and I called her to apologize and she was luckily landed in Dallas getting fuel on a private jet she chartered for her and a friend for a 3 day trip to Vegas. She spent $14k 8 weeks before Christmas on a very down year for us. But I have NEVER EVER in 21 years had a guys weekend. 
Anyway, what is her deal psychologically? Any opinions are appreciated. I’m about to head home as soon as our kids (13 and 17) wake up and I’m going to start my life over. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want me! But I just don’t get it!!! How many women would kill to have her life? Why does she want out so bad but absolutely not take any of the blame? Again, any ideas appreciated as to what’s going on!!!


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

She has the find your Iphone app so she knows when your in the area. Gives her OM time to disappear.

I am currently going thru divorce, and I am a over thinker. I'm finally realizing that I was too nice, and not necessarily in the bad "Nice Guy" type of way.

If your a hunter you may relate to this analogy.

Think of yourself as a black lab. You've always been there looking at your wife with those big brown eyes, no matter if she ignores you, pushes you away when you come close to give cold, wet nose kisses. Your always underfoot. But your always reliable in forgiving and wagging your tail.

The fact she is so quick to separate sure looks like she has a OM.

Best thing to do is hire a good attorney, get custody if that is what you want, and move ahead. Since she is used to you doting on her, and she still wants out, she has dumped you in her mind long ago, she just didn't bother to tell you.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

costas48 said:


> My wife of 21 years has been pushing me out of our marriage for 3 years by limiting sex, being distant etc. and finally found a way to leave: *I used to have a hydrocodone problem but haven’t had a pill in 8 years.*


Can you elaborate on your drug addiction problem? How long did it last? What sort of stresses did it put on your marriage at the time? Has there been infidelity in the past?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

*Re: Wife wants out, won’t admit it but wants me to take the blame*

Hire a PI. She has a boyfriend. That's why she wants to move out. That will give her unfettered access to partyville.

Do you have find my phone my phone set up to watch her? I would say, if you look at her phone records you can figure out who it is fairly quickly.

Search everything for a burner phone, car trunk, shoe boxes, underwear drawer, shoe boxes, basement etc.

Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car and where she is likely to talk to someone at home. Does she guard her phone? Have sexy underwear she doesn't wear around you? 

You really need to record her convos between her and her Vegas companion. She probably knows everything.

Upside, is she doesn't want to take your kids. They need to know what is going on in an age appropriate way when you find out the truth.

Quickly read the MMSLP book below. It will define your lack of respect from her. 

Has she actually mentioned divorce? You should float the divorce idea to see her reaction. DO NOT LET HER THINK YOU SUSPECT AN AFFAIR. She will double down on hiding it. Get to a lawyer ASAP. They probably have access to a competent P I.

First thing is to go through her phone records for frequently called numbers. His is likely under a woman's name. Also, look for cheating apps, her facebook messages etc. Especially check phone records since she started turning on you. Everything you've mentioned follows the cheaters handbook to a T. Her blaming you is also textbook gaslighting.

So sorry you are here but you need to prepare for bad news. You must be strong for you and your kids.

Also look up the 180 and follow it. It is your best tool at this point. 

Has she mentioned you should still be friends?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

*Re: Wife wants out, won’t admit it but wants me to take the blame*

The 180. This is for your healing in the quickest manner, affair or not. It is not to win your wife back though that occasionally happens.

The 180

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: Wife wants out, won’t admit it but wants me to take the blame*

Relationships can be irreparably damaged by a single event. You addiction may have forever changed her feelings for you. You've not elaborated much on that time in your marriage and I can't help but wonder if you wanted to just sweep it under the rug. Just because it's out of sight doesn't mean it's out of mind. For many, money is a poor substitute for trust and intimacy. 

In any case, she has made her intentions perfectly clear. If you're hoping to talk her out of it by understanding it better, I wouldn't waste the time. I wouldn't be surprised if she already has a new man in mind or is even already involved with one. The train has left the station and you're not on it. I suggest you spend all of your effort working toward the best post-divorce life for you and your kids. There will be time for a marriage postmortem once the dust settles.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

costas48 said:


> pushing me out of our marriage for 3 years by limiting sex, being distant etc.
> She quickly agrees and goes on and on about how it’s my fault
> she has this huge complex about who’s fault everything is
> She just wants to be on her own.
> ...


This is a textbook case of "mid-life-crisis". The MLCer is self-centered, and completely oblivious to his/her own culpability. It's you, it's everyone else other than HER who is causing these emotions.

The MLCer does not want to be who he/she "is", but wants to become an idealized person who has lived "inside" for two decades. Any opportunity to "get out" without blaming him/herself is tailor-made.

Affairs are quite common in MLC. The AP supplies emotional needs while not demanding the responsibilities. Your wife has found a "source of supply" who is not you. This may or may not be another man, but it's quite likely that it is.

MLC is all "about" casting off responsibility for a "former life" and "getting on" with a "new life". Internally, the conviction is hard to bear if the MLCer faces the TRUTH..... that he/she is selfish and sinful, covetous of the "new life" that he/she thinks is possible, if he/she can only "get out". Blame is avoided with any lies which can be conjured up. A "ghost" is called up, the ghost of rewritten history. Your wife is calling up the ghost of drug abuse, even though that ghost is long dead. Recent history is replaced by old news.

It's also common for MLCers to try to "escape" the old life before affair discovery. Affair discovery forces acceptance of blame. It's easier to "live the lie" - the lie that "the affair didn't start until the marriage was over".

I don't know who you believe the Lord Jesus Christ is..... I call Him "Lord" because that's who He is to me.... however, no matter what you believe about His personhood, I think you would have to agree that He is the central figure of human history, and a very wise teacher.

Matthew 13:24-30 is "The Parable of the Tares and Wheat". It is mostly interpreted to be a picture of the final resurrection. However, I have always found it, like so many of the things Jesus taught, to have a similarity of "atom" and "universe". This passage illustrates the mid-life-crisis and what it's effect can be. It can be profoundly revealing to the MLCer, when the time comes, and the "reapers" cut away the "tares" in his/her life, and forces him/her to take personal responsibility for the condition of his/her soul.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

*Re: Wife wants out, won’t admit it but wants me to take the blame*

She wants her freedom....give it to her......turn the channel and move on as best you can. The motives will expose themselves over time and and you will have done so much less suffering. This tack takes discipline.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Re: Wife wants out, won’t admit it but wants me to take the blame*

You leaving your home at this time would be the dumbest move you could make.

Go online and check your phone bill you'll probably find her boyfriends number there.


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## costas48 (Oct 6, 2019)

Lila said:


> costas48 said:
> 
> 
> > My wife of 21 years has been pushing me out of our marriage for 3 years by limiting sex, being distant etc. and finally found a way to leave: *I used to have a hydrocodone problem but haven’t had a pill in 8 years.*
> ...


The problem was from 2008-2011. I was buying them from a friend because the pain pills allowed me to be Superman and make insane money. It really didn’t cause a problem as she used cocaine recreationally, which I did not. I went to her one night crying saying I was scared I was gonna die from a Tylenol overdose bc I was taking 20/day. I went to a clinic for 3 days where I detoxed. I came home and faked the flu for about a week and then went back to work and haven’t had one since, except for after knee surgery in 2015 and I gave her the bottle of 30 Lortab 10’s and told her to hide them where it would not be worth the energy for me to search for them so she just kept them in her purse and counted them several times per day. I took a total of 8. I watched her flush the rest. 
But I was still having pain so I had a friend give me 10 in 2015. I took 7 and the other 3 were what she found recently. I had hidden them in a little pocket in a camouflage jacket and forgot about them. 

She is so self conscious of her weight. In 2016 she started doing cocaine daily. When she reached 98 lbs, I made her stop. I wanted to make her stop sooner but she was so happy with her body, the sex was unbelievable and I just couldn’t bc I was addicted to the sex. She then replaced it with 60mg of Adderall per day and it keeps her weight normal but not where she wants it, but she’s still a knockout!!! A true head turner. I’m not posting about it to demonize her, but to say I NEVER mention the $500,000 she put up her nose. EVER. 
I currently don’t drink or use any drugs at all... I gave up all my friends and she forced me away from my family so now I spend every weekend with my 13 y/o and my daughter when she has nothing else going on. But at my last physical my Testosterone was very low so my doctor has me on T injections and I have started working out again and I am feeling and looking better than ever but she thinks “I’m messing up my body.” And when I’m working out, I’m “avoiding the family.” 
I love her but she will drag up ANYTHING to start a fight and when separation is mentioned, she is the one that has to go “bc our house is toxic.”


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## costas48 (Oct 6, 2019)

Also no infidelity by me in the past. Truthfully I don’t think any from her...until now. And she has all the passwords to Verizon and uses SnapChat all the time. What other apps do people use to cheat? That’s one thing I still have is the master account for Apple so I can at least see if an app has been downloaded.


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## costas48 (Oct 6, 2019)

Also thank you all for your time and advice


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

*Re: Wife wants out, won’t admit it but wants me to take the blame*

I know chat apps Kik and WhatsApp are popular with people who don't want others to know they are chatting. I'm sure there are many others.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

costas48 said:


> The problem was from 2008-2011. I was buying them from a friend because the pain pills allowed me to be Superman and make insane money. It really didn’t cause a problem as she used cocaine recreationally, which I did not. I went to her one night crying saying I was scared I was gonna die from a Tylenol overdose bc I was taking 20/day. I went to a clinic for 3 days where I detoxed. I came home and faked the flu for about a week and then went back to work and haven’t had one since, except for after knee surgery in 2015 and I gave her the bottle of 30 Lortab 10’s and told her to hide them where it would not be worth the energy for me to search for them so she just kept them in her purse and counted them several times per day. I took a total of 8. I watched her flush the rest.
> But I was still having pain so I had a friend give me 10 in 2015. I took 7 and the other 3 were what she found recently. I had hidden them in a little pocket in a camouflage jacket and forgot about them.
> 
> She is so self conscious of her weight. In 2016 she started doing cocaine daily. When she reached 98 lbs, I made her stop. I wanted to make her stop sooner but she was so happy with her body, the sex was unbelievable and I just couldn’t bc I was addicted to the sex. She then replaced it with 60mg of Adderall per day and it keeps her weight normal but not where she wants it, but she’s still a knockout!!! A true head turner. I’m not posting about it to demonize her, but to say I NEVER mention the $500,000 she put up her nose. EVER.
> ...


Goodness gracious. Your lives sound dysfunctional. Pain meds. Cocaine. Adderall. This sounds like an episode of Life in the Fast Lane. 

Have either of you tried individual counseling? What about marriage counseling?


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## costas48 (Oct 6, 2019)

Chaparral said:


> The 180. This is for your healing in the quickest manner, affair or not. It is not to win your wife back though that occasionally happens.
> 
> The 180
> 
> ...


I’ve been trying this but she always says that I’m ignoring her and our kids when I go to the gym. The kids need help with homework etc. so I turn my truck around! Or if I’m working late, and I’m talking 30-60 minutes, I get the guilt trip about how she wanted to have supper together as a family but the kids were starving. In a text a few minutes ago I told her it’s obvious she is unhappy, even when things are going good. She said that’s bc all I remember is the bad times bc when they are good, my mind is on our business. What does that even mean?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

costas48 said:


> I’ve been trying this but she always says that I’m ignoring her and our kids when I go to the gym. The kids need help with homework etc. so I turn my truck around! Or if I’m working late, and I’m talking 30-60 minutes, I get the guilt trip about how she wanted to have supper together as a family but the kids were starving. In a text a few minutes ago I told her it’s obvious she is unhappy, even when things are going good. She said that’s bc all I remember is the bad times bc when they are good, my mind is on our business. What does that even mean?


It probably means that she believes you prioritize the business over her and your family. Just a guess though.


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## costas48 (Oct 6, 2019)

As a business owner with 16 employees, my mind is always on it. I admit I am a workaholic but only from 8am-5pm. I’ve never missed a child’s ballgame. I’m the one that takes off of work and hauls 5 silly boys to games while she had to “leave early to get some things. I’ll see y’all at the game.”
My work is my hobby so rather than just sit w/o speaking and watch the NFL, I’d rather read about my job.


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## costas48 (Oct 6, 2019)

Lila said:


> costas48 said:
> 
> 
> > The problem was from 2008-2011. I was buying them from a friend because the pain pills allowed me to be Superman and make insane money. It really didn’t cause a problem as she used cocaine recreationally, which I did not. I went to her one night crying saying I was scared I was gonna die from a Tylenol overdose bc I was taking 20/day. I went to a clinic for 3 days where I detoxed. I came home and faked the flu for about a week and then went back to work and haven’t had one since, except for after knee surgery in 2015 and I gave her the bottle of 30 Lortab 10’s and told her to hide them where it would not be worth the energy for me to search for them so she just kept them in her purse and counted them several times per day. I took a total of 8. I watched her flush the rest.
> ...


I see a therapist. She won’t go to couples counseling.


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## costas48 (Oct 6, 2019)

hubbyintrubby said:


> costas48 said:
> 
> 
> > I’ve been trying this but she always says that I’m ignoring her and our kids when I go to the gym. The kids need help with homework etc. so I turn my truck around! Or if I’m working late, and I’m talking 30-60 minutes, I get the guilt trip about how she wanted to have supper together as a family but the kids were starving. In a text a few minutes ago I told her it’s obvious she is unhappy, even when things are going good. She said that’s bc all I remember is the bad times bc when they are good, my mind is on our business. What does that even mean?
> ...


I agree. But if she won’t speak to me, I open a book! I hate TV.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

costas48 said:


> I see a therapist. She won’t go to couples counseling.


It seems like you two have a big communication gap. If she won't sit down and communicate with you calmly, and she won't go to couples counseling then there isn't much else you can do. 

You can try going to marriage counseling alone but considering that she's taking 60 mg of Adderall a day, I think you'd be better seeking help from an organization like Al Anon. That's some serious amount of meth she's taking. I have taken 20 mg of Adderall before for a.d.d. and cannot imagine taking much more of it without it affecting my normal way of thinking. I can't even imagine how she gets to sleep each day. Is she taking sleep meds too?


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## costas48 (Oct 6, 2019)

No she doesn’t take a sleep aid and I have told her that her moodiness and constant headaches are from lack of sleep.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

costas48 said:


> No she doesn’t take a sleep aid and I have told her that *her moodiness and constant headaches are from lack of sleep.*


This is very likely the main malady. 


Side effect.

This is caused by her taking stimulants, Adderal for sure, and maybe concurrently taking cocaine?

She needs drug intervention and needs forced isolation and rehab.

Which is not legal unless she is suicidal.

I dread to think about what went on in Las Vegas.

Taking powerful drugs and not eating properly will kill her off early. An accident, a murder, an OD death, a suicide, a terrible disease caught, or cancer or heart problems are coming her way.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Re: Wife wants out, won’t admit it but wants me to take the blame*

Let her go. 

You need to see an attorney ASAP. At least figure out where you stand and what happens next. If the attorney agrees, hand her divorce papers ....like yesterday. 

It doesn't matter what she says, or what she thinks, or what she wants at this point. You have to separate in your mind. They say...marriage is all emotional, divorce is business. 


Work out if you want, start figuring out what your future without her will look like. She doesn't get a vote any more. 

Again, see an attorney ASAP. Before you make any agreements with her. A lot of times, the spouse who wants out has "it all figured out". They try to call the shots, and tell you what you need to do, and how this separation/divorce is going to work. The best thing you can do is educate yourself. Go see more than one attorney if it makes you feel better. She doesn't get to call any shots at all. If she asks, or wants to talk.....you don't have to do that either. It's totally fine to say "I'm not talking about it yet. I'm working on my end." Period and say nothing else until your lawyer tells you to.


The problem with "helping her out for a few months" is that it then becomes, or looks like, something you don't mind doing and can afford to do....so you get stuck paying for her lifestyle, for however long the judge decides. I'd tell her...if you HAVE to tell her something.....that you will be happy to talk about money just as soon as you talk to your attorney. Period. I think it's important to know when to stop talking. When to walk away and not keep defending or explaining your thoughts, plans or actions. She does not get that courtesy any more either. 

I think, once they say "I want out", they no longer get ANY spouse status. They get no courtesies... no more than an acquaintance would get. Not even friend status....cuz friends aren't blowing you off and trying to stay away from you. I would talk weather, dog's antics, or kid schedule....and nothing else.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

costas48 said:


> I’ve been trying this but she always says that I’m ignoring her and our kids when I go to the gym. The kids need help with homework etc. so I turn my truck around! Or if I’m working late, and I’m talking 30-60 minutes, I get the guilt trip about how she wanted to have supper together as a family but the kids were starving. In a text a few minutes ago I told her it’s obvious she is unhappy, even when things are going good. She said that’s bc all I remember is the bad times bc when they are good, my mind is on our business. What does that even mean?


It means she's a nut job..........


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Re: Wife wants out, won’t admit it but wants me to take the blame*

Balance in marriage requires communication and responsibility of both participants. Your RELATIONSHIP has been thrill dependent for a long time. You talk about sex, but not intimacy, caring and connection.

You are married to an addict. She may make bad life choices because of her addiction. Sounds like y'all both have experienced a life of living in the edge. Adderall use builds tolerance---more and more is needed. You can take a blood test to prove you are clean if accusations occur again. 

Likely, she realizes she is in trouble and she deflects/projects onto you. She selfishly expects HER wants/needs to be paramount. Sounds like you are addicted to HER. 

Common Adderall side effects may include:
stomach pain, loss of appetite and weight loss; MOOD CHANGES, feeling anxiety; fast heart rate; headaches, dizziness; dry mouth; and/or sleep problems.

Many Adderall users experience sudden, unexplained angry outbursts that undermine their relationships and well-being. ... hurting the people they care for. They also overdose, have high blood pressure, strokes, and heart attacks at an early age.

See a lawyer to protect you and your family. Discuss your marriage issues with your physician and of course your therapist. Try your best not to be reactive to her. You must feel like you are walking on egg shells........


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Wife wants out, won’t admit it but wants me to take the blame*

So, you did pain killers she did or does cocaine?

I think you need to set a private detective on her. Because she isn't making sense.


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## costas48 (Oct 6, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> costas48 said:
> 
> 
> > No she doesn’t take a sleep aid and I have told her that *her moodiness and constant headaches are from lack of sleep.*
> ...


I have tested her 3x, once recently. No cocaine. She gave up all drugs and alcohol at my asking and her MD put her on the adderall to fight the cocaine cravings and it worked but created a new set of problems. She has mild ADD but she doesn’t need this dosage.


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## costas48 (Oct 6, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> Balance in marriage requires communication and responsibility of both participants. Your RELATIONSHIP has been thrill dependent for a long time. You talk about sex, but not intimacy, caring and connection.
> 
> You are married to an addict. She may make bad life choices because of her addiction. Sounds like y'all both have experienced a life of living in the edge. Adderall use builds tolerance---more and more is needed. You can take a blood test to prove you are clean if accusations occur again.
> 
> ...


You are correct. We found ourselves with an exorbitant amount of extra money after only 2 years in business. Then, just like in the movies, we went overboard. I admit I lack self control but I know when I am in trouble and when to ask for help. So I have learned to avoid any mind altering substances. She does not have the ability to admit a problem. 
And you are 100% correct in that I am addicted to her (mainly sex) as she is so beautiful and sexy. But now no sex + being 42 years old = I don’t like her anymore nor have the energy to put up with her. I’m spending the week getting prepared per my divorce attorney friend I talked to for 2.5 hours. Thank all of you for your encouragement and outside perspectives.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Re: Wife wants out, won’t admit it but wants me to take the blame*

Good luck. I agree that you need a PI and lawyer can advise.

You can become a forum supporter for very little money and have this thread put into a private forum where it won't be googled if you wish since you are looking at possible divorce.

Go to top right of page and click on Get Premium.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

sunsetmist said:


> Balance in marriage requires communication and responsibility of both participants. Your RELATIONSHIP has been thrill dependent for a long time. You talk about sex, but not intimacy, caring and connection.
> 
> You are married to an addict. She may make bad life choices because of her addiction. Sounds like y'all both have experienced a life of living in the edge. Adderall use builds tolerance---more and more is needed. You can take a blood test to prove you are clean if accusations occur again.
> 
> ...


I agree. She's an addict. Talk to your lawyer and doctor about this. Where does she get the adderal. Is it legal?

I still think the odds are high she is cheating. Snap Chat is known as the cheaters app. See if a PI can hack her phone. It can be set up for you to see her texts as they happen.

Have you checked the phone bill? 

Cut her off financially. No mo, no go. Let her look for real work. You leaving can kick you in the butt in a divorce.

Has she brought up leaving to the kids?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

costas48 said:


> You are correct. We found ourselves with an exorbitant amount of extra money after only 2 years in business. Then, just like in the movies, we went overboard. I admit I lack self control but I know when I am in trouble and when to ask for help. So I have learned to avoid any mind altering substances. She does not have the ability to admit a problem.
> And you are 100% correct in that I am addicted to her (mainly sex) as she is so beautiful and sexy. But now no sex + being 42 years old = I don’t like her anymore nor have the energy to put up with her. I’m spending the week getting prepared per my divorce attorney friend I talked to for 2.5 hours. Thank all of you for your encouragement and outside perspectives.


Talking to a divorce attorney is your best course of action right now. Listen to your attorney's advice. Run everything you do by them to make sure that you aren't shooting yourself in the foot in the long run. 

I wish you the best of luck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

costas48;19999027[B said:


> ]I have tested her 3x, once recently. No cocaine.[/B] She gave up all drugs and alcohol at my asking and her MD put her on the adderall to fight the cocaine cravings and it worked but created a new set of problems. She has mild ADD but she doesn’t need this dosage.



Good this, the above.....

Not good, the below...

I am very familiar with Adderall. A familiar of mine uses this and she cannot sleep and she is a bundle of nerves. She is this, two-legged, shaved-legged, snapping turtle. She finds fault with 'most' everything, 'most' everybody.

I hate most drugs.
Some are life savers, of course.



[?]-


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

costas48 said:


> I’ve been trying this but she always says that I’m ignoring her and our kids when I go to the gym. The kids need help with homework etc. so I turn my truck around! Or if I’m working late, and I’m talking 30-60 minutes, I get the guilt trip about how she wanted to have supper together as a family but the kids were starving. In a text a few minutes ago I told her it’s obvious she is unhappy, even when things are going good. She said that’s bc all I remember is the bad times bc when they are good, my mind is on our business. *What does that even mean?*


It means it’s easier for her to leave/bang someone else when she has you convinced that everything is YOUR fault.

You are not her servant.

I’m not going to comment on the insane waste of money and life to excess. 

But your earlier post said she wants you to pay for a place for her until she gets on her feet.
I think she means until she gets off her back. She’s got an OM for sure. 

If she wants to be free, let her. That means NOTHING from you unless it’s court ordered. 

Get custody of your kids for THEIR sake. You seem the less messed up of the two right now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> Relationships can be irreparably damaged by a single event. You addiction may have forever changed her feelings for you. You've not elaborated much on that time in your marriage and I can't help but wonder if you wanted to just sweep it under the rug. Just because it's out of sight doesn't mean it's out of mind. For many, money is a poor substitute for trust and intimacy.
> 
> In any case, she has made her intentions perfectly clear. If you're hoping to talk her out of it by understanding it better, I wouldn't waste the time. I wouldn't be surprised if she already has a new man in mind or is even already involved with one. The train has left the station and you're not on it. I suggest you spend all of your effort working toward the best post-divorce life for you and your kids. There will be time for a marriage postmortem once the dust settles.


Either that or the three pills were a lucky find for her. Perhaps she needed an excuse to really end things (you'd ignored her other attempts) and the pills appeared at just the right time?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@costas48 I have moved your thread to a more appropriate sub-forum.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @costas48 I have moved your thread to a more appropriate sub-forum.


Now, can we move him to divorce court?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@ costas48, there is alot of stuff in here that would drive any marriage over the edge, with the sudden amount of cash, drugs dependency, workaholics, etc. I feel sorry for your kids s you are not bringing them up in a very stable environment.
I would suggest you hire a PI to follow your wife to see what she is up to. There may be a few reasons why she is saying she wants out

1. she has another man
2. She wants more attention and wants to shock you with a threat
3. She is an addict and wants freedom to do whatever she wants without your supervision
4. Her ADD is much worse or even something else such as BPD which would explain her erratic behavior
5. She is a spoilt ****ty person (princess) who has taken from you all this time and expects all her needs to be met without taking responsibility for her own actions. In this case give her what she wants.
Maybe she thinks you will not follow through with divorce

Ensure you follow through on the divorce lawyer and let her see that you will not he held hostage. Do the 180 on her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Get a PI to follow her for a few weeks, see what you are dealing with first.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

zookeeper said:


> Relationships can be irreparably damaged by a single event. You addiction may have forever changed her feelings for you. You've not elaborated much on that time in your marriage and I can't help but wonder if you wanted to just sweep it under the rug. Just because it's out of sight doesn't mean it's out of mind. For many, money is a poor substitute for trust and intimacy.
> 
> In any case, she has made her intentions perfectly clear. If you're hoping to talk her out of it by understanding it better, I wouldn't waste the time. I wouldn't be surprised if she already has a new man in mind or is even already involved with one. The train has left the station and you're not on it. I suggest you spend all of your effort working toward the best post-divorce life for you and your kids. There will be time for a marriage postmortem once the dust settles.


However she's been making use of all his attentions and family funds for lo these many years.

In a perfect world, I know, she would have stated clearly early on if she had changed her mind about wanting to have a forever marriage with H.

OP, this is a clear example of when a perhaps totally self centered SO has been planning her exit for a long time, when convenient for her.

Is there anyway W could have planted those three pills to give herself a "legitimate" leg up on you, as she initiates her exit plan?

A reach, perhaps, but I've learned a long time ago that even the unexpected or thought impossible things can happen.

Good luck to you sir.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The bridge is out and the train is barrelling down the tracks. 

Too many things here going on that are wildly out of control to effectively manage. 

This is going to take lots of lawyers and lots of therapy to sort out.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Keep us updated. You likely will never have an explanation of her behavior and her mindset, and you need to find a way to be ok with that. Otherwise you will drive yourself crazy. The WHY doesnt matter, what matters is finding your way out, removing yourself from the dysfunction.


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