# Making 2x Your Spouse Salary...Joint Account?



## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

So I make 2 times my wife's salary. We have a joint bank account. Everything is paid for out of there.

What has been raised recently is when I wanted to take a small trip on my own, or purchase a new car.

Both of these my wife was against and we have not been able to come to an agreement. Some people have mentioned that since I make more that there should be some "allowance" and give on her part...which there is none.

I have never thought that way until it was mentioned. Just wondering how others feel who might be in similar situations. I know with some recent finance issues the resentment factor does creep into it since I am making so much more. Thanks.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

We have a joint account. He make now almost 3x as much. Truthfully though it suppose to be joint decisions on any thing over $100 unless it's clothes. We each have a clothes allowance. But the way it really works is he decide to do something and then tell me. Like when he decide to renovate our basement. 

I hardly ever object.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Joint decisions are usually the way to go in marriage, but if one person is unfairly controlling or dictating to the other, then both separate and joint accounts can be a solution. Use the joint account for all joint expenses and keep separate accounts for whatever you individually wish to do and not need approval from your spouse (input may be nice, but not control). I do think the separate accounts should be funded equally - marriage is an equal partnership (or should be).


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

We discuss everything over $250.

If we cannot agree, it's waits or we do a compromise purchase. Who makes what salary is not relevant....two became one includes money.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Joint works for us. But since I make the financial decisions, of course I would say that. LOL


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

As a curiosity - why do you want to take the trip on your own? And is this the "revenge" car you mentioned buying because she bought furniture?


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> As a curiosity - why do you want to take the trip on your own? And is this the "revenge" car you mentioned buying because she bought furniture?


She does not want to travel right now. Again I have a good friend who is in Florida on business. So I could do a 4 day golfing trip for very cheap. 

Lol. No not the revenge car. It is the car I planned to get prob two years from now. But my cancer battle has made me not want to wait. Finances are great, rec'd a $100k lump sum recently.. $20k net on a new vehicle does not seem like it should be go to war material. Nothing to do with her furniture purchase.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Stick with it being about differences in financial philosophy. Leave the I make more crap out of it.

Even in 2013 men can make more simply because we are men. Ever see those "what is a stay at home mom worth?" lists. Guys being d!cks about money because they make more is why those exist.

Try to discuss the differences in your viewpoints on living for today vs saving for tomorrow. That is where you should be focusing.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Middle of Everything said:


> Stick with it being about differences in financial philosophy. Leave the I make more crap out of it.
> 
> Even in 2013 men can make more simply because we are men. Ever see those "what is a stay at home mom worth?" lists. Guys being d!cks about money because they make more is why those exist.
> 
> Try to discuss the differences in your viewpoints on living for today vs saving for tomorrow. That is where you should be focusing.


I agree. Just heard a few different takes on that. 

So that is my issue though. I try to explain the living more for now, especially after my cancer battle. But her response is simply she is not comfortable spending at my level. There is no option. It ends there. So I do not know how to proceed without making a large purchase like the car and waiting for the war she said wpuld happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I always made more than my STBXW. Anywhere from twice her income when we first married to roughly 10x at the end. And we always had a joint account. I don't think I ever pulled the "I make more than you so I'm spending xxx" on her either... That seems very wrong. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

When my husband was working, we had his incomeplus my disability. His income was twice my disability payments. Now that he is unable to work, per doctors' orders, at this time... all we have is my disability. We have had a joint account from the start. It never even occurred to us NOT to have a joint account, for any reason.

OP, you mentioned a couple of times about your battle with cancer. Perhaps she sees that current "cushion" as something to hold in case you have to go through that again? And you said buying the car would give you $20k net, out of the $100k sum? Yea.... that's something I would find unacceptable as well, if my husband brought it up. But that's JMO. I understand "live for today" about SOME things... but spending that much on a car? That's just not one of them.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> When my husband was working, we had his incomeplus my disability. His income was twice my disability payments. Now that he is unable to work, per doctors' orders, at this time... all we have is my disability. We have had a joint account from the start. It never even occurred to us NOT to have a joint account, for any reason.
> 
> OP, you mentioned a couple of times about your battle with cancer. Perhaps she sees that current "cushion" as something to hold in case you have to go through that again? And you said buying the car would give you $20k net, out of the $100k sum? Yea.... that's something I would find unacceptable as well, if my husband brought it up. But that's JMO. I understand "live for today" about SOME things... but spending that much on a car? That's just not one of them.


No we have funds for the car. The $100k was added to our retirement funds.


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## Balzaar (Aug 29, 2013)

If the 100K lump sum you received is from an inheritance to you then legally that money is yours alone. 20K for a car? That does not go very far in the car world these days.

If the car is just a want I see her point but if it is a need that is clearly a different animal.

As far a joint accounts go I cannot see any other way in a marriage. If my wife suggested separate accounts it would be a red flag to me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm a homemaker. We have joint accounts. He earned the money he should have a say in how it's spent. I voice my opinion which he respects but the final say is his.


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

My husband doesn't work but I have never felt like the money I make is "my" money. It's money for the family. We discuss all purchases over $100. If anything, he pushes me to spend more on myself because I'm the one working. I still feel guilty driving around in my nice car when he drives a crappy old Jeep. As long as the money either of us wants to spend doesn't jeopardize our overall goals (pay down debt, save for retirement, save for college), then it's a go regardless of who made the money or who wants to spend it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you lost your job and you both had to live on your wife's income, would you lose all decision-making authority in the home? Be careful of the precedent you set because the shoe may be on the other foot tomorrow. I assumed when we got married, we became a family and all resources became family resources. If things go south for you and your wife, a judge will decide who has what and who's responsible for what, so there's no point in arguing with your wife about who has more.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Your cancer may have had a different effect on her than you, OP. Your experience may have you thinking more about today, but it may have her thinking more about tomorrow. 

She may be scared (but doesn't want to admit it) that your brush with cancer made her ponder what life would be like after you. And if you are currently making twice what she does, she may be scared about potentials like - making payments on this new car you want to buy or having bills to pay with only her income.

It may time for an honest conversation about all of that. 

What's your health insurance situation? What's your life insurance policy?


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

Running Mom said:


> My husband doesn't work but I have never felt like the money I make is "my" money. It's money for the family. We discuss all purchases over $100. If anything, he pushes me to spend more on myself because I'm the one working. I still feel guilty driving around in my nice car when he drives a crappy old Jeep. As long as the money either of us wants to spend doesn't jeopardize our overall goals (pay down debt, save for retirement, save for college), then it's a go regardless of who made the money or who wants to spend it.


With almost every married couple I know, the Wife makes more money then the husband! Almost everyone. My wife works. I have not bee able to find full time employment for years. I have worked a few part time jobs and did a big job for free. I have to laugh when the media still reports that women are discriminated against int he work force. I don't see it.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Put me in that category of men that make 3x more. We have split accounts. She is just so crazy with how she handles money. We had a joint account, she see's what's in it and goes crazy. We always got overdraft and gave thousands in fees to the bank over the years. I work hard for that money in a labor intensive field. Averaging 50 hour weeks sometimes as high as 65 hours. No air conditioning. My wife could probably perform my job, but I only know of one woman at work, she has a sit down job driving a forklift. I build heavy equipment prototype machines from blueprints. So this unfair, women make less thing always bugs me. Most women will not work my job and I am getting physically worn out. So I make more, she will enjoy that money when I am in the dirt. Over the years I paid for my wife's college, only for her to say, "I realize I do not want to do that." She is capable, creative, smart, and easily able to make way more money then me at this point in time... but choses a low paying secretary job. I was hoping she would get a decent job so I could go back to school myself and change my profession.

Recent marriage consoling appointment's I got grilled hard over what my wife calls "his money" that I chose to spend how I please. My money pays every single bill in the home except for food, gas in her car, and the trash bill. All car, vacation, healthcare, home, birthday and holiday presents, everything else is paid by "his money." Funny we do not talk about "her money" and how she spends it on what ever she wants because she has almost no household responsibility. But her money is not enough...


The fact that we have separate accounts is from her stay at home mom years. I doubled down on working hard so she could be home. She resented me being away so much.... at least that is her excuse, one of many. I signed over 100% of my money. She was home, she got the mail when it showed up, pay the bills I thought, how hard is that? Anyways she did not pay the bills much. She went out with other moms a lot. She got credit cards out. By the time I found out just one of her credit card payments was $1600.00. I ended up cashing out my life's savings and 401k to pay things down. 

Recently she got more credit cards. I caught her on the phone at 1am ordering more. After a vacation we took she came to me saying "I have no money." She has no money for the past month now. Those two weeks off got her in a bunch of trouble paying off her new cards again. Not going to bail her out again. She is upset because I have been thinking about buying a car too. It is a car I always wanted but she has always hated. I will spend only a few thousand to get it. A few more to restore it. So 10k for a nice car they no longer make that I have always wanted since my teens. I am now 41.

Anyways you can clearly see a dysfunction here. It is a power struggle with money. We have the same struggle with sex. I am in a sexless marriage. Everything is a pissing match that I normally did what I thought was correct to save the marriage. But sometimes you got to but your foot down and just say "This is me, this is what I need, this is what I am going to do. If you do not like this deal with it or move on, because if you love me you will understand this. If you do not love me, please move on so I can find somebody that does."


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The discrepancy in salary is irrelevant. Fairness is relevant.

Wife bought antique furniture for $3000 which you didn't need or want and probably don't want to sit on (even if she would let you).
Wife wanted a winter car to pair with her summer car and spent $15,000.

$3,000 plus $15,000 comes to $18,000. You're only $2000 over her purchased wants. She's going to war over $2 grand. Unreasonable.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> The discrepancy in salary is irrelevant. Fairness is relevant.
> 
> Wife bought antique furniture for $3000 which you didn't need or want and probably don't want to sit on (even if she would let you).
> Wife wanted a winter car to pair with her summer car and spent $15,000.
> ...


Ok, I read that differently. He said $20k NET... which, to me, means there would be $20k LEFT after buying the car. if he meant $20k to SPEND on the car, leaving $80k, then maybe.... still would have a problem spending that, but I've only, ever, bought one brand new car in my life...and we no longer have that one. And, I wouldn't spend $3000 on furniture, antique or otherwise...and winter car vs summer car? Oi... never mind. This whole fiasco is more headache than I need. Still, like I said, I read that $20k net to mean the car he wants is $80k.... and that's WAY too much IMO.


ETA: OP, here's a word for you...since your wife has no problem saying it to you:


*NO!!!!!*


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

My wife and I each have our own investment accounts, IRA accounts, saving bond's and annuities. We have one joint checking account from which all bills are paid. If we need to transfer money into the joint account, it comes proportionately from out investment accounts.

WWHT


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Good comments, I do not think I have more right to finances just was mentioned by some other posters and was confused. Just trying to figure out how to cope with my wife on this really...my update from the other post At Wits Ends over Finances...


So after shopping at the mall with my wife, when we met up she immediately looked aghast at my 2 bags and asked how much did I spend? This happens all the time over the last 10 yrs.

When we got home, she asked whether I in fact needed the $23 shirt I bought since I had so many.

I decided I was done. We had plans for the afternoon I said I need 5 minutes to talk first. I said we needed to stop this and that I felt really bad and like a child when she reacts that way. I would never do that to her.

She replied that if I stopped talking about the car then she would stop her reacting. I said I still was looking for a vehicle and was not prepared to wait another 8 years as she wants me to. 

And I said they are separate issues. She said she did not want to talk about it further. She asked if we were going to have a bad time this aft. I said prob so and I was going to pass. She was steamed, and said then she was passing on the visit to my parents tomorrow. I said that was fair (which I may or may not agree with lol) and left it at that.

As you know, she has no conflict resolution skills and simply stops talking to me. Which she obviously did right after this talk!

I feel kind of empowered, kind of good, kind of something right now..I have no idea when we see each other next what things are going to be like...


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, I read that differently. He said $20k NET... which, to me, means there would be $20k LEFT after buying the car. if he meant $20k to SPEND on the car, leaving $80k, then maybe.... still would have a problem spending that, but I've only, ever, bought one brand new car in my life...and we no longer have that one. And, I wouldn't spend $3000 on furniture, antique or otherwise...and winter car vs summer car? Oi... never mind. This whole fiasco is more headache than I need. Still, like I said, I read that $20k net to mean the car he wants is $80k.... and that's WAY too much IMO.
> 
> 
> ETA: OP, here's a word for you...since your wife has no problem saying it to you:
> ...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, since car cost is only $2k over what she paid for the furniture and the car she just had to have... then get the car. I probably would, in this case. But really, if she is acting like this over every little thing you purchase, every little thing you want... tell her no about the things she wants. She asks if you really need that $23 shirt, ask if she really needed that $200 purse.... Not saying she spends that much on one, nor do I even want to know... just that if she keeps saying no to you, say no to her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> The discrepancy in salary is irrelevant. Fairness is relevant.
> 
> Wife bought antique furniture for $3000 which you didn't need or want and probably don't want to sit on (even if she would let you).
> Wife wanted a winter car to pair with her summer car and spent $15,000.
> ...


Your wife's spending on the above items without your agreement is a huge issue. Then she tries to control your spending, even down to a $25 shirt? 

What would I do? I'd buy the car.

I'd leave her a note explaining that you bought it since she blew essentially the same amount on big purchases for herself without your enthusiastic agreement. Further if she wants have a say in how your income is spent in the future she can start cooperating with you instead of acting like she alone is in control of the money.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I am a female and I make more money... I still run things by my husband. He runs things by me, with the exception of regular bills and groceries, anything else, electronics, etc, is discussed and decided together. 
I totally get your live in the now, cancer is horrible. Congrats on being a survivor! Is there maybe a little bit cheaper alternative car? Meet her in the middle somewhere?? That way you still get what you want. I would ask her flat out, what does she think would be reasonable for you to spend, and buying in cash (you can negotiate better and its then an asset).... see what she says, you may find it's not the "car" but just the total you want to spend on it... but find where she would be comfortable and if that is too little than let her know, you fought, you survived this is your treat to yourself. Then ask her what she would like to be treated to.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Every dynamic is different! I'm lucky I control all things finance from retirement to all large purchases, in fact my wife asks before purchasing anything of value.

I make about 150% of what my wife makes, but at times in the past as much as 400% more.

You want a car buy a car............lol you can't take it with you. Why die just to leave your kids tons of inheritance?


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Your cancer may have had a different effect on her than you, OP. Your experience may have you thinking more about today, but it may have her thinking more about tomorrow.
> 
> She may be scared (but doesn't want to admit it) that your brush with cancer made her ponder what life would be like after you. And if you are currently making twice what she does, she may be scared about potentials like - making payments on this new car you want to buy or having bills to pay with only her income.
> 
> ...


I think this is very much the issue. We always have had issues over money. I am the spender. Although she does fine herself. (2 cars, laser eye surgery,2 $1000 purses..)

I am now though even more in the now. I want to travel again with a friend in Nov. I know she will flip out since I had two vacations in the last 2 years while battling cancer that she didnt. She could have gone away with me, or visited her brother. But she didnt, and she has NO friends..so hard to visit them. So again here we are, with me with a chance to visit a friend away on business for golf for 4 days, for $600 flight and hotel. And she will flip. Guaranteed.

I really do not know how to bridge the gap. In our conversations, her response to meeting in the middle or finding new ground, or reviewing the current finances to see just how fine we are...is always that is just how I feel. She says she is not comfortable spending A, or B etc. That is just how she feels. So how do you argue with that!!!! Its impossible.

Yes have LTD to fall back on and $1M in life ins. But I don't plan on getting cancer again LOL!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm guessing you didn't plan on having it the first time, OP. I mean, honestly, no one plans on these things. Even without cancer, there's accidents, etc. So - I think there has to be a balance between YOLO and being reasonable about the potential for the future. 

Also - if your wife really has no friends, this likely compounds the problem, as she'll be afraid of being totally alone. It's past time to help her or push her into developing her own friendships. She's not friendly with anyone from work?


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> I'm guessing you didn't plan on having it the first time, OP. I mean, honestly, no one plans on these things. Even without cancer, there's accidents, etc. So - I think there has to be a balance between YOLO and being reasonable about the potential for the future.
> 
> Also - if your wife really has no friends, this likely compounds the problem, as she'll be afraid of being totally alone. It's past time to help her or push her into developing her own friendships. She's not friendly with anyone from work?


She talks to people at work and does go for a lunch every few months with one of them. But no other outside work get togethers, and no other friends. 

PS Day 2 and she is still not talking to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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