# Missing Out?



## MissingOut? (Dec 18, 2014)

New to this... OK, I'm 35, married since the age of 30 to my wife who is now aged 31. Together for nearly ten years, no kids yet (although we're trying). She was my first girlfriend, and my sexual experience before meeting her was very limited. I wasn't quite a virgin but I certainly never 'sewed my wild oats'. I'm a good-looking guy, but I've always found it very difficult to approach women that I'm attracted to. Hence, I sort of fell into my relationship with my wife, from a basis of hanging out and being friends. I even resisted the relationship for a little while. 

I love my wife: she is my best friend; we share almost everything and I find it difficult to imagine not being with her. At the same time, I am deeply conflicted and feel like my life is a daily internal struggle. The thing is, I never lusted after her, never felt the butterflies and the infatuation and the urge to rip her clothes off. I've never really had that with anybody –– never experienced what people tend to describe as 'being in love', other than unrequitedly. Every day, I have an intense desire to have this experience with someone. I haven't cheated, but I constantly think about it, and if the opportunity arose I'm not sure I'd be able to resist. I wasn't even gonna come on here, but I just saw the most beautiful woman in a café and felt an urgent need to vent. When I see a woman that I'm really attracted to my heart feels so heavy; I feel so frustrated and it invariably ruins my mood for a long while afterwards.

My wife is pretty, but I've never had that intense level of attraction that I have felt for innumerable other women (acquaintances and strangers in the street) past and present, and whom I see around me on a daily basis. In short, I'm not satisfied sexually, and I constantly feel like I've missed out on something important (at least, important to me). 

I feel hugely guilty for thinking like this, and guilty for coming onto this forum. But the fact is I've felt like this for nearly a decade (this is not a new feeling), and I'm terrified of waking up in another ten years and feeling the same way, but twice as frustrated for twice as much time having passed. At the same time, I'm not a very pro-active person, and I doubt I'd have the balls to break up (and shudder at the thought of inflicting that pain on my wife), and to go it alone (I'm pretty financially dependent on her, and on our partnership).

I don't really know what kind of response I'm looking for on here. But these, I suppose, are among my questions: Is this situation normal? Is it typical male bulls**t? Was it wrong of me ever to have stayed in the relationship for as long as I have, without being attracted to my wife? She wants children –– marriage has made me feel trapped and I'm terrified that I would resent children for making me feel even more so.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why did you marry her if you were not attracted to her?

Serious question.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Basically you SETTLED for your wife...sounds you were awkward around the ladies...too shy to make a move with those you REALLY WANTED...who tripped your triggers.... so you just leaned into what was .. when she pursued you..even with some resistance...better to have taken it slower.. not committed/ gotten married...knowing this was unresolved in your heart..... as this causes much more pain down the road.. for you both...

.. Pretty much one of the reasons I feel it's best for a man to pursue a woman...as too often he will end up feeling LIKE THIS....

Very unfortunate...you're feeling this for 10 long years.. surely she feels it too....what do you think ?? You can't be all that enthusiastic ...struggling with this.. even in giving her compliments ..or have you been a good faker over the years?

I guess my question is.. how blindsided is she going to be when the truth comes out -how you really feel?

What is your sex life like? Is it more than "just looks" here or do you also wish for more in other areas...like more adventurous sex, personality, attitude.. more excitement ?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Why did you marry her if you were not attracted to her?
> 
> Serious question.


 Well, about 30 percent of people settle when it comes to marriage. Unfortunately for his wife, he is one of them. Time was passing, and he did not know how to , or stay in a relationship, so he settled when someone had enough interest in him. He should divorce her right away, before he wastes her life. He is probably keeping her decieved.


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## MissingOut? (Dec 18, 2014)

It is basically the physical side of things that's not right. That's the excitement I crave. 

Ten years is a long time, but yes, I'm a pretty passive guy I guess. I'd never really been on a date with anyone before my wife.

My issues have come out in our conversations in the past, several times over the years, but my wife made me swear that she'd rather I just left one day out of the blue than that I ever raised these issues again. So I'm bottling them up... and here I am.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And yet you chose to stay. That was your choice. I feel bad for your wife.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MissingOut? said:


> (I'm pretty financially dependent on her, and on our partnership).
> 
> I don't really know what kind of response I'm looking for on here. But these, I suppose, are among my questions: Is this situation normal? Is it typical male bulls**t? Was it wrong of me ever to have stayed in the relationship for as long as I have, without being attracted to my wife? She wants children –– marriage has made me feel trapped and I'm terrified that I would resent children for making me feel even more so.


What, is this a business deal? You are dependent on your partnership? No, this is not some male bull*hit. This is a person that is deceiving another. If you feel trapped, spill the beans. Get out now. Do not continue on with this charade. Let you W find true happiness with another.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

You are not missing out on anything and the grass is not always greener on the other side. Sounds like you have these fantasies, which we all do, but ruining your marriage over them is silly imho. Are you sure you are not attracted to her? What don't you like? Is she overweight? If so, have you tried excersizing with her? The way she dresses? Buy her cloths. There are things that can be done to make her more attractive and no put you in a shi! storm.

If it's just perverted sex, try to get her into it. Never know...


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

First, you're married, not blind. Being attracted to other women isn't unusual at all. And let's be honest, we're not all going to marry a 10, so there are likely many physically more attractive than our wives.

With that out of the way, this sounds like a grass is always greener situation. If the marriage is overall quite good, why leave? Do you really think you'll do better? Especially if you're bad at landing women. 

But if this is too much to bear, do not have a child with this women. Children will make your feelings worse, not better. At least not until you get your straight about it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening MissingOut
I think this sort of feeling IS common for many men and women. Some is driven by Hollywood style fantasies - but some of what you are missing is real. There are people who have wild passionate sex. 

I think very few if any couples maintain that sort of relationship for a long time. I think it is associated with newness. Its also difficult to maintain with all of demands of everyday life.

It might be something you CAN have once in a while on vacation. Can you talk to your wife. See if you can every now and then get away for a week of wild passion? My wife and I sometimes can do this - and joke about having an affair with each other.

If you really aren't attracted to your wife and feel like you can't be, and its not just situational, then you need to think. Is she missing passion as well? Its not doing either of you a favor to stay in a passion-less marriage.

One thing PLEASE do not have children until you are absolutely sure of what you want. I speak from experience - my father never wanted me, though he always did his duty by us, and I was aware of it from a very young age. It is not a good way to grow up.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

What you're looking for is lust, not love. It's a chemical reaction in the brain, nothing more. It wears off - you can't maintain that kind of chemical overload indefinitely, unless you keep pursuing it with new people. I still very much lust after my husband, but the days of feeling "heady" are over. But this? This is much better. I'll take the comfort of love over the adrenaline rush of new sex any day.

You were friends with your wife before you started a romantic relationship, so you skipped that lust phase. You already knew her, so there was no rush of "the chase" or discovery.

Additionally, if you had limited sexual experience, I have to wonder if the sex you're having now is just not cutting it. Is she repressed in bed? Are you? Are you physically attracted to her, and her to you?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MissingOut? said:


> It is basically the physical side of things that's not right. That's the excitement I crave.


 you mean NOT getting enough sex or more creative sex...too vanilla / on the cold fish side (this would be hard on any man, even if the wife was sexually stunning)......or she is not physically HOT enough for you but there is adequate sex in your marriage ?


It's true the grass isn't always greener, some of the things you love & greatly appreciate in your wife -you may have a hard time finding in one of those women who you can't help falling over walking down the street..she might be someone else's nightmare.




> My issues have come out in our conversations in the past, several times over the years, but my wife made me swear that she'd rather I just left one day out of the blue than that I ever raised these issues again. So I'm bottling them up... and here I am.


 this is a very bad communication dynamic here.. can you elaborate on WHAT was discussed here.. that you wanted more excitement in your sex life ?? and she threw you to the dogs basically saying "It's not going to happen... take me as I am.. or just leave.. but I won't have this conversation again" 

Am I reading this correctly ??

This is not healthy...she has contributed to your feeling trapped with this attitude..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with Simply that it's not healthy and maybe she made him feel he couldn't share -- but at the end of the day, he chose to date her, stay with her and marry her for a DECADE all the while knowing he isn't that "attracted" to her. That's on him. 

Have you ever told her you're not "attracted" to her? She could be operating under the idea that he is. Gosh I feel bad for anyone in that situation. Horrible.


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## MissingOut? (Dec 18, 2014)

Lila said:


> you seem to believe you were somehow cheated out of a passionate relationship.


That is kinda how I feel. It sounds very selfish, but I always had the (perhaps Hollywood-fantasy) idea that that would happen someday. I can't help but feel that that's a major life experience that I'm missing out on. 

I'm pretty sure I have told her in the past that I wasn't attracted to her. Sometimes she'll mention me having said things like that to her, and that it still hurts her now when she thinks about it. I think I used to say things that might convince her to break up with me, but that never happened. She's told me she'd never leave me. 

She's not overweight, and as I said she's pretty. Other guys are attracted to her. I guess I'd say she's just not really my type. The chemistry isn't quite right... something like that. Who knows?

We have fairly regular sex, but I can't say I really give it my all.

Thanks everyone for your replies so far. I think my problem and my confusion is borne out by the two camps that the responses seem to be falling into: a) the grass isn't really greener, carry on as normal; and b) this is a charade, get out now. 

How to tell between the two? (Especially when I have little in the way of a frame of reference, i.e. previous relationships.)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MissingOut? said:


> I'm pretty sure I have told her in the past that I wasn't attracted to her. Sometimes she'll mention me having said things like that to her, and that it still hurts her now when she thinks about it. I think I used to say things that might convince her to break up with me, but that never happened. She's told me she'd never leave me.


Ok. That changes my response. You say you're pretty sure, but if you definitely told her you aren't attracted to her - you both chose to stay together after knowing this. It's on both of you. 

If a man told me he's not attracted to me, the last thing I would do is marry him. I would have ended it LONG ago. I am guessing she may have low self-esteem and/or settled for you, too and that you may be co-dependent. 

So what are you going to do?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MissingOut? said:


> That is kinda how I feel. It sounds very selfish, but I always had the (perhaps Hollywood-fantasy) idea that that would happen someday. I can't help but feel that that's a major life experience that I'm missing out on. *I'm missing out on a Lamboughini because I purchased my wife a pool. I do not get to experience it. Oh well, it was my choice. *
> I'm pretty sure I have told her in the past that I wasn't attracted to her. Sometimes she'll mention me having said things like that to her, and that it still hurts her now when she thinks about it. I think I used to say things that might convince her to break up with me, but that never happened. She's told me she'd never leave me. *Pretty sure you told her in the past is like being a little bit pregnant. Did you or didn't you? I believe you lead her on to some degree. She appears to have hoped for the best. *
> 
> She's not overweight, and as I said she's pretty. Other guys are attracted to her. I guess I'd say she's just not really my type. The chemistry isn't quite right... something like that. Who knows? * Sheesh...none of this came up during dating and the wedding?*
> ...


Sir, people miss out on things their entire lives because of the choices they made. This was your choice to marry a woman that you just really did not care for. :scratchhead: I don't see it improving and recommend you allow yourself to try the green grass and your W to find happiness.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MissingOut? said:


> I'm pretty sure I have told her in the past that I wasn't attracted to her. Sometimes she'll mention me having said things like that to her, and that it still hurts her now when she thinks about it. I think I used to say things that might convince her to break up with me, but that never happened. She's told me she'd never leave me.


 personally I would not understand HOW a woman can stomach this.. but to each their own.. 



> We have fairly regular sex, but I can't say I really give it my all.


 you are just NOT in love with this woman.. face it.. 



> Thanks everyone for your replies so far. I think my problem and my confusion is borne out by the two camps that the responses seem to be falling into: a) the grass isn't really greener, carry on as normal; and b) this is a charade, get out now. How to tell between the two? (Especially when I have little in the way of a frame of reference, i.e. previous relationships.)


Buy this book... Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship:  to help you sort it all out...so then you won't be teetering...



> Trying to make the agonizing decision whether to get out of a troubled, potentially life-wrecking relationship is the specific ambivalence this book addresses. The reader is offered a focused way to deal with one critical issue at a time rather than sort endlessly through the whole messy bundle of emotional pros and cons. Kirshenbaum's expertise allows her to pinpoint the pertinent questions. The Boston psychotherapist, who does relationship counseling, offers a series of them, amplified with guidelines: "Power people poison passion"; "If your partner can't even see what it is about him that makes you want to get out, it's time to get out"; "If it never was very good, it'll never be very good." And threaded through the book, which is written in a sympathetic, chatty, accessible style, are validating anecdotes that dramatize how other people have experienced and responded to the same problems the reader is going through.


But whatever you do - do NOT have children !!

Just seems if you stay....all it will take is "your type" walking into your life (new co-worker, etc)...this will shake you & you won't have the power to resist this sort of "chemical" passion if it hits you in between the eyes...now if you had that strong foundation with your wife...this would help a great deal, but it was never there from the start.....I don't foresee this ending well..


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You need to divorce. For her sake, even if she can't see it right now. She will thank you later.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

This makes me very sad.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> This makes me very sad.


I was thinking the same thing! I am sad for both the OP & his wife.


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## MissingOut? (Dec 18, 2014)

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. There is a further issue, which is that we're currently having fertility treatment (early stages), and she is having a very, very difficult time thinking that she'll never be able to have children.

I feel like I owe it to her to have a child with her, and that I should stick around for this. I know she'll be a great mother, but I'm a bit unsure about being a father, at least right now. But then I'm not getting any younger...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

No. Just no.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I hope this is a troll post. Because it is so cruel and far from making any logical sense that the mind boggles.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

MissingOut? said:


> Thanks everyone for your thoughts. There is a further issue, which is that we're currently having fertility treatment (early stages), and she is having a very, very difficult time thinking that she'll never be able to have children.
> 
> I feel like I owe it to her to have a child with her, and that I should stick around for this. I know she'll be a great mother, but I'm a bit unsure about being a father, at least right now. But then I'm not getting any younger...


No. Full stop. 

Having kids with someone you don't have a good marriage with, and barely even want, is a bad idea. 

Her not having kids is not your problem. Yeah that sounds harsh, but you don't bring kids into a relationship that may not be lasting. You DO NOT OWE HER A CHILD. It's a HUMAN. You do not owe anyone A HUMAN LIFE.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

jld said:


> No. Just no.


Exactly, NO!!! She deserves to have a child with someone into the marriage. You are going to bail, why do that? If she is in fact pretty, believe me she will move on to someone new. Whatever she is telling you now will change as soon as D happens. From the sound of things, she deserves better than you anyway..sorry, call it like I see it. Once she meets someone who appreciates her, you are just a memory.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Observer said:


> If she is in fact pretty, believe me she will move on to someone new


I agree with your post but I'll add that even if she wasn't pretty she still will move on to someone new, someone who will want her and not just feel like they missed out by not having a really hot girl.

OP - you aren't doing her any favours by staying with her. 

What makes you think you can get the really hot girls anyway?
You said you are passive, not an attractive quality for many women, and that you are financially dependent on you wife- also not attractive to many women.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I agree with your post but I'll add that even if she wasn't pretty she still will move on to someone new, someone who will want her and not just feel like they missed out by not having a really hot girl.
> 
> OP - you aren't doing her any favours by staying with her.
> 
> ...


Yes for sure, sorry. Ones mans garbage is anothers treasure.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Have you asked her, point blank to her face, if she wants to spend the rest of her life with a man who is not attracted to her and, from the tone of your comments here, only loves her the most platonic sense of the word?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Coming from one who struggled with secondary infertility for over 6 plus years..one thing I could not have dealt with was worrying my dear Husband may leave me someday ... if he wasn't THAT into me.. ..

This may be why she is hanging on for now.. but it's not right.. remember...a woman can get "donor insemination" too.. don't think you are the only means of her having a child.. It also sounds she carries YOU more financially.. isn't that what you said in the opening post ? 

You need to release her so she can find a man who loves her and wants to be there through all the trials and tribulations ..including if/ when a baby is conceived.. so the Joy can be felt deeply by both with a great hope for the future of this family.... Don't give life to a child where you will leave his or her Mother.. knowing this before hand...it's very cruel.. just shouldn't be happening or even considered.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MissingOut? said:


> Thanks everyone for your thoughts. There is a further issue, which is that we're currently having fertility treatment (early stages), and she is having a very, very difficult time thinking that she'll never be able to have children.
> 
> I feel like I owe it to her to have a child with her, and that I should stick around for this. I know she'll be a great mother, but I'm a bit unsure about being a father, at least right now. But then I'm not getting any younger...


You owe her an apology and yourself some IC. Sure, she will be a great mother...with a absentee H and father to the child because....well you just don't like her. 

You act like you are sacrificing yourself....it is not necessary. Face the music. Advise your W the entire arrangement that she has been financing is a farce.*YOU ARE A FRAUD!*


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## MissingOut? (Dec 18, 2014)

IC?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

MissingOut? said:


> IC?


Individual Counseling
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening MissingOut
for the sake of potential children, do not get this woman pregnant until you sort things out. It will wreck your lives and the lives of your children. Timidness is OK in most relationship issues, but this is too important to let slide by.




MissingOut? said:


> Thanks everyone for your thoughts. There is a further issue, which is that we're currently having fertility treatment (early stages), and she is having a very, very difficult time thinking that she'll never be able to have children.
> 
> I feel like I owe it to her to have a child with her, and that I should stick around for this. I know she'll be a great mother, but I'm a bit unsure about being a father, at least right now. But then I'm not getting any younger...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MissingOut? said:


> I feel like I owe it to her to have a child with her, and that I should stick around for this. I know she'll be a great mother, but I'm a bit unsure about being a father, at least right now. But then I'm not getting any younger...


Oh dear god no!!! DO NOT BRING A CHILD INTO THIS. Are you nuts????

I feel for your wife, this is so sad


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Oh dear god no!!! DO NOT BRING A CHILD INTO THIS. Are you nuts????
> 
> I feel for your wife, this is so sad


Somewhere along the line, whether it's cultural, educational, or something else, society has really failed to instill in people just how big of a deal it is to have a child. Have a ****ty marriage? Hey, try having a kid, that'll fix it! Can't afford a child? Who cares, it's your right to crap out another one!


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

"I wasn't quite a virgin but I certainly never 'sewed my wild oats'. I'm a good-looking guy, but I've always found it very difficult to approach women that I'm attracted to."

Sounds like you did try and "sew your wild oats" before getting married you just weren't as good at it as you would have liked. What makes you think you'd be better at it now?


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