# Breakthrough - Small, But I'll Take It!



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I'm just so excited, a small, but important breakthrough in my quest to change the dynamic of my marriage and improve or re-ignite our intimacy and sexual relationship and I wanted to share it with those that have helped me so much.

The last week, my husband has been acting "different." The only way to put this into words is he is initiating more conversation with me, he is phrasing what he says to me so as it does not sound like criticism, he is helping out more (cooked dinner twice this week and asked me if he needed to run any errands), and he is still initiating the majority of the phone calls, though I have thrown him one or two.

Well last night was a BIG hurdle (at least for me/us). We were in the bedroom watching TV and he was complaining that he couldn't get to sleep and was very tired. I teasingly said "how about some "exercise" to help you get to sleep, are you interested?" I expected, based on past history that I would be promptly rejected, he then said "I'm interested, but very tired."

Woot-woot! Now to some this may seem insigificant, but to me - it was HUGE. He let me know, in a loving and caring way that yes - he was interested, i.e., wanted me, but that he was tired. I actually had a smile on my face. I told him "I appreciate that you are interested and I'm sorry you're tired, we'll get that exercise some other time." I was ok - while I was rejected, he was cognizant of "how" he was rejecting me and let me down easy and gave me a "reason" why he wasn't interested and a valid one at that.

Never thought I would be happy about the "way" I was rejected, but this was a big step. Not a flat-out NO, not a "is that all you think about is sex," not a "I don't feel well, can't you see that?" It made a big difference in how "I" felt about the rejection - I was okay with it, didn't feel let down and didn't feel as though I wasn't wanted.

So...a small breakthrough to some, but huge to me.

Just wanted to share! :smthumbup:


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Yay!!! :smthumbup:

Sometimes small things can turn into bigger things!


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I'm just so excited, a small, but important breakthrough in my quest to change the dynamic of my marriage and improve or re-ignite our intimacy and sexual relationship and I wanted to share it with those that have helped me so much.
> 
> The last week, my husband has been acting "different." The only way to put this into words is he is initiating more conversation with me, he is phrasing what he says to me so as it does not sound like criticism, he is helping out more (cooked dinner twice this week and asked me if he needed to run any errands), and he is still initiating the majority of the phone calls, though I have thrown him one or two.
> 
> ...


Congrats! Although, perhaps you should have encouraged him with positive reinforcement by offering to "do him" and let him pass out. That's my usual response to "I'm too tired."


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I am glad that this is a small 'breakthrough' for you. For me, it is just another excuse.

She will sit up until 1:00am watching TV, folding laundry, whatever to avoid me. Then when she comes to bed, she says, "Sorry, it is too late, I am tired".


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I am glad that this is a small 'breakthrough' for you. For me, it is just another excuse.
> 
> She will sit up until 1:00am watching TV, folding laundry, whatever to avoid me. Then when she comes to bed, she says, "Sorry, it is too late, I am tired".


Heh. Set the clocks back.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Heh, I'm glad for you MWIL. Hope this continues and as far as rejections go, this is how they should go.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Yeaaa Next tim maybe offer bj tell him to relax and enjoy. Of course you don't want to get into a habit of giving to him with no reciprocation but once in a while to prime the pump would not hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> Yay!!! :smthumbup:
> 
> Sometimes small things can turn into bigger things!


What I'm counting on....:rofl:


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I am glad that this is a small 'breakthrough' for you. For me, it is just another excuse.
> 
> She will sit up until 1:00am watching TV, folding laundry, whatever to avoid me. Then when she comes to bed, she says, "Sorry, it is too late, I am tired".


Sorry for you. We were actually in bed together and I could TELL that he was actually tired, the very first time he's said - I'm interested, but tired. 

Normally it's just a NO or hell no, or is that all you think about or I don't feel good...so little steps!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> Congrats! Although, perhaps you should have encouraged him with positive reinforcement by offering to "do him" and let him pass out. That's my usual response to "I'm too tired."


I thought about it, but he REALLY was trying to get to sleep, kept yawning.

But, maybe next time...:smthumbup:


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> glad you are talking. dont be discouraged by a few set backs...learn from them.
> 
> since he got sick..is it like meeting a whole new person?? and now you get to figure out all thrie kinks and find a new way to fight and to resolve prob???


YES, BIG YES HERE.

He is like a new person and the last 2 years post-TBI have been very hard and very challenging.

There are things I don't even post here - little things like putting the toothpaste back EXACTLY where he left it (he has a condition called object permanence), so I have to make sure nothing on the floor, everything on counters, etc., back EXACTLY where his brain remembered them when I clean, no open cabinets if he comes in the kitchen, LOTS of things I don't complain about here...I almost went NUTS - literally...but I'm coming through the fog, slowly, and I feel it lifting everyday and for that I am grateful!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Heh, I'm glad for you MWIL. Hope this continues and as far as rejections go, this is how they should go.


And THAT'S exactly why it was a BIG breakthrough. 

Nasty rejection just makes it worse.

Gentle, loving rejection - with a valid reason - whole different ballgame - it was actually OK and I felt good.

I hope it keeps up too - but I have to continue to do my part to change how I behave and keep off the pressure.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Yeaaa Next tim maybe offer bj tell him to relax and enjoy. Of course you don't want to get into a habit of giving to him with no reciprocation but once in a while to prime the pump would not hurt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what Ian said and I considered it, next time I will.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MWIL,
Happy for you  

As the HD partner I can tell you that I 1,000 percent understand how you feel. My W has "declined" sex many times in our 21 years together. And she does it the way he did. In a kind and loving way. And THAT makes all the difference. If she ever looked at me and snapped "no" that would feel like being stabbed in the heart. 

But when she looks at me and says "I am sorry babe, I am tired tonight, would it be ok if..." that doesn't make me feel bad at all. 





MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I'm just so excited, a small, but important breakthrough in my quest to change the dynamic of my marriage and improve or re-ignite our intimacy and sexual relationship and I wanted to share it with those that have helped me so much.
> 
> The last week, my husband has been acting "different." The only way to put this into words is he is initiating more conversation with me, he is phrasing what he says to me so as it does not sound like criticism, he is helping out more (cooked dinner twice this week and asked me if he needed to run any errands), and he is still initiating the majority of the phone calls, though I have thrown him one or two.
> 
> ...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> i understand why its so hard....i would say have more tolerance and patience.
> 
> you just have to find where you fit in with him being sick, and understanding that he is very angry with his condition...he is likely to take it out on you, and its hard to just let it roll off your shoulders.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> i understand why its so hard....i would say have more tolerance and patience.
> 
> you just have to find where you fit in with him being sick, and understanding that he is very angry with his condition...he is likely to take it out on you, and its hard to just let it roll off your shoulders.
> 
> ...


As for the cold issue, look at Raynauds Phenomenon, hubby has it and hands hurting when cold are one of the side effects.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MWIL,

The way we talk is very important to us. 

It is a kind of art. 

We want to convey the same meaning, but we can hurt people by being rude and ill mannered, we can heal people by being polite and well mannered. 

A lot of people make innocent mistakes by saying things without much consideration, they hurt people without knowing. 

We have to be careful, considerate, and mindful when we say things. 

A good step for your husband. It always feels good living with somebody who is polite and considerate!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Glad to hear that, my friend. So happy that he's helping out more.
I like the blow job suggestion too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

I would like to know the secret to a successful communication, like yours. I feel that most of my wifes and my problems have been based on poor communication skills.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

remmons said:


> I would like to know the secret to a successful communication, like yours. I feel that most of my wifes and my problems have been based on poor communication skills.


Now I wouldn't go so far as to say that any improvement, no matter how small is the result of good communication in my marriage. 

To be honest - our communication sucks - probably always has, but more evident after his TBI.

He is a very quiet, introverted person - was when I met him, still is today. Likes to be alone, holds everything inside, doesn't have any feelings (what he says), doesn't want to discuss them, etc. Not outwardly physically demonstrative - not a hand holder in public, a hugger, etc.

I'm just the opposite - an extreme extrovert - never met a stranger, perfectly at ease in a room full of people I dont know, outgoing, have lots of feelings and let them out frequently (sometimes not at the right time), want to discuss everything (sometimes to death and beyond), and I have no personal space - stranger needs a hug - I'm there!

So - we are opposites and compromise is in order - mostly on my part, because I can "quiet" down easier than he can get "louder."

So what happens in my house lately is:

- I get upset, start telling him how rotten things are, how I feel neglected, etc.
- He just stares at me, says nothing or pretends he doesn't hear and continues to watch the TV.
- I get frustrated, get it all out, then leave the room and feel sorry for myself somewhere else.
- He puts me on "freeze" mode for a couple of days and won't talk to me (although lately the "freeze" is only lasting a few hours, maybe some change here!).

Then we start all over again the next time I get upset, feel neglected, etc.

He complains very little - I complain a lot.

Maybe I'm the bigger problem than he is - hard to face - but I am looking at that possibility. Or maybe, I've finally come into my own and am sticking up for myself - don't know yet.

So I'm sorry, but I would be THE VERY LAST PERSON you should come to about communication in marriage. But, we are in MC and hopefully this will improve.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

> He is a very quiet, introverted person - was when I met him, still is today. Likes to be alone, holds everything inside, doesn't have any feelings (what he says), doesn't want to discuss them, etc. Not outwardly physically demonstrative - not a hand holder in public, a hugger, etc.
> 
> I'm just the opposite - an extreme extrovert - never met a stranger, perfectly at ease in a room full of people I dont know, outgoing, have lots of feelings and let them out frequently (sometimes not at the right time), want to discuss everything (sometimes to death and beyond), and I have no personal space - stranger needs a hug - I'm there!
> 
> ...


Ummmm, WOW. You have just described me and my wife almost perfectly!

I am the introvert and she is the extrovert. I was the one to go out frequently, she was more than ready. This is what was possibly the reason that my wife had the EA. I did like to hold her hand as frequently as possible though, but kissing in certain public places was somewhat hard on me.

We were opposites as well. We seemed (or so I thought) that we had a magnetic attraction. The difference for us though was when she started telling me how rotten things were, I would go out to the garage and tinker on a project. This was my quiet time, my time to unwind and to process what just happened. Once my freeze mode was over and I was ready to talk, her freeze mode would be on and she wouldn't talk.

I will not admit that she is the bigger problem, for I feel that a relationship is 50/50, but she does have some bigger fish to fry than Ido. Maybe all of my faults or concerns have not been brought out to the open yet.

To me, you two have somewhat developed a system for communicating and understanding each other to the point where you both can say something that won't adversely affect each other in a negative way.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> the doctors actually though she had that and told her had had to loose some fingers.....later, they dont know exactly what she has. they said its close and in the family tree as raynauds, but its not exactly the same....
> 
> so we all just make life adjustments.


My step-daughter has this, but our doctors called it Raynauds Syndrome. How ever it is called, it is debilitating to the person who has it. She has to wear gloves constantly until the weather gets above the temps of the 40's or 50's.


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