# I need an opinion or advice please



## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

First I want to say thank you to those who responded to my previous post. It was truly appreciated.

I need either an opinion or advice on the following. As you know I am trying to cope with his infidelity. I second guess certain things because of course I do not trust him. I have found out several things and when I question him, he lies and that does not help. When I show him the proof that he just lied to me, yet again, he shruggs and makes comments without giving me a straight answer.

Here is my question to you: Is it wise for me to continue looking for answers, looking into his past, so to speak. I have discovered that on our wedding anniversary he spend a good part of the day talking to her. He even spoke to her up until he was about to put the key into the front door to let himself into the house. (We were going out to have an anniversary dinner). When I confronted him I told him " you didn't even respect our anniversary date, you called me as I was leaving for work just to see if I had received your so called happy anniversary text. Then spent the rest of the day on the phone with her". Of course, he had nothing to say.

I had asked if they ever shared any photos, he flat out said no. So I confronted him with me finding that he had emailed to her two naked photos of himself. (Something that he had never, in all the years that we have been together, done to me). He said that he did not remember that. How is it that a person emails to someone naked photos and does not remember, yeah right. 

Within our conversations about his betrayal I had asked if they would go out (as oppose to just being in her house). He stated that they never went out because he wasn't going to take the chance on someone seeing them together. I just discovered that he spent one of his famous days off (the one's that he used to spend with her while I was at work) out in the west coast from about 7:30 in the morning until about 8:30 that night. 

It put me in a worse mood than what I was already in when I discovered this. Last night after he fell asleep I was watching television and they made a comment about affairs and all I could see was him on her and them going at it. Something just came over me and I burst into tears for nearly 30 minutes. Eventually it woke him up but I needed to be left alone. He knows that I am not having a good day today and we will be talking tonight. Should I let him know that I am aware of this outing or should I just let it go.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It's hard to say one way or the other, but for me my imagination is worse than asking for details and hearing it so I can put it to rest at some point. In my opinion, he should be working to rebuild trust. If he is still lying and covering up the details it will be difficult for you to heal. I'm sure he feels blind sighted every time you bring up something new, so maybe you both should agree on how to handle your insecurities (which I don't think you should bury) to help you get through this...maybe a scheduled time to talk about it so he knows it's coming or talk to him about why you are asking him questions..it's not to punish him...it's to heal you. I'm in a similar position and struggle with the same thing...what to say and when to just drop it.


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## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

Sweden
I understand exactly what you mean when you speak about the imagination, you are so right on that. It's like I have told him "worse than knowing is the not knowing". The mind tends to wander in all different directions, at least mine does. Let me ask a question of you, if I may. Have you spoken to her to get her side of the story? If so, did it help you in any way? The only reason for which I have not approached her, and believe me, I so want to approach her, is because of all the females that he could have chosen to betray me with he chose a company co-worker. Unlike your situation, the company he works for is a very large company with many locations and she is in a different location than he is. But still, if I were to approach her and things get out of hand he can lose his job as well as her too. Honestly I don't give a damn about her losing her job but right now I can not afford for him to lose his. Like I said it is the only reason why she has not yet heard from me. And I know that that is part of what is making me crazy.

I will give credit where credit is due, he has made changes. For one he changed his day off during the week so that it won't be the same as hers. He has also stopped working on the weekends and is spending it with the family. He is once again becoming the man that I had fallen in love with 9.5 years ago. 

But the hurt and the pain is still there. My emotions of the love that I feel for him and the hate that I feel are constantly clashing with each other. I go through so many mood swings that I feel like Sybil.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I haven't spoken with her to get her side of the story. I did feel that my husband was very forthcoming and did not try to twist things around. What was going on in his mind is all I care about because I feel we couldn't move forward if we didn't get our issues on the table. Much of what he had to say was very painful to hear, but we both needed to make some serious changes so I really needed to tell myself, that was before...when we both were at fault for our marriage being in the state it was...that is not now or who he is now. I have no desire to ever speak with her...I had the chance as I saw her the first time at his Christmas party, but I'm not confrontational by nature and really don't have anything to say to her. The love/hate feelings are totally normal and get better over time...I think as time goes by the love is what is now and in my face...the other feelings pop up, but at the end of those thoughts I always tell myself I'm glad that's in the past now and we've moved forward.


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