# seeking advice for possible divorce



## 4understanding (Oct 23, 2011)

Wife and I have been having issues for quite a while, but have 2 children that we both love dearly and don't want to hurt. 
She informed me about a month ago that she wants a divorce and has been hell to live with since that time. Thankfully we do have a large home so we have our own space.
She actually scheduled an appointment with a mc for us, I went but she didn't show up, she said no I'm done, its a waste of time I want to divorce. I know she has visited an attorney as have I. I would still like to try to work on things, don't know if we can, but I'm willing to try.
Question is, she keeps asking me if I filed yet, says please send me paperwork. My issue is I think she wants to use this against me to tell the kids look what daddy did, he is making me move...if she wants divorce so bad why doesn't she file?
She is a sahm, hasn't worked is about 7 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'm guessing you didn't ask her why she's want's you to file?


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## 4understanding (Oct 23, 2011)

Yes, she won't reply. We have been married 11 years, kids are 6 and 8. She just says she is waiting...why wait, if she wants it so bad go do it?
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My advice.... you would still like to try. She's the one who wants the divorce. Do not file and do not move out. If she wants this let her be the one who does it. 

You are probably right that if you file she will then tell the children and everyone else that you filed, she did not want to the divorce, poor little her.

Can you give some examples of the things she is doing that are making it hell to live with her... examples of 2-3 of the worst things she had done.

In the mean time there are things you should do (need to do).

Interact with her according to the 180 (see link in my signature block below).

Tell you that you know the marriage has been much less than perfect but you love her and your children and want to still work on the marriage. Tell her that you want to go to MC w/her because even if you do divorce you will need to be able to function as a parenting team for the rest of your lives. A divorce does not end your connection to each other and the need for the two of you to work as a team.

Go to counseling yourself. 

Then, get the books linked to in my signature block below for "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them and do the work they suggest. At some point, as you change you might be able to get her to join you to read and work on this to recover your marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If she asks you again when you are going to file for divorce, tell her that you will do it once she is capable of supporting herself because she will need to do that after the divorce. 

Suggest that she go find a job so that she can start living the life of a divorced woman... working, paying her portion of the bills and her portion of child support.

Of course do this in the nicest tone you can muster up. Smile nicely too.

A lot of SAHM's who go start up on the divorce stuff do not seem to realize that they need to go to work and support themselves. It can be quite a shocker.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I agree with EleGirl. Do the reads she suggested. Start the 180 to protect yourself and diffuse the situation. 

What were the issues? 

Why is she making life hell and forcing the situation straight to D ? 

What have you done to change things?


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## 4understanding (Oct 23, 2011)

She isn't looking for a job or anything, not trying at all.

He way of making thins difficult, is zero communication, saying things in front of the kids they don't need to hear and she just keeps asking me for moneywhich I stopped giving her., I am going to ic, seems to be helpful and have been doing the 180 program and it has helped me very much.
She is used to living well, we have never wanted for anything at all. 
Its been difficult, but at I am being nice to her, however not a doormat!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitefang (Sep 16, 2012)

my wife thinking am cheating her


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## whitefang (Sep 16, 2012)

i talk with my wife online but last month all the time keep telling me that iam talking with othere woman n i open cam for them . n then start problimes between us .she is now not coming online and she turned her phone off .i dont know what i have to do plz someone help me .iam clear with her n i dont chat or open cam with no one .


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

4understanding,
You are doing the right thing. Elegirl is right as well. Show her what life as a divorcee is really like. Keep all money that she does not earn cut off. Nothing, zip, zero, nada. She will get mad at you and curse you out in front of the kids. A good VAR will keep a good record of this. Since she wants D and you are in the same house, you need to keep a VAR on you at all times when she is around to prevent false domestic violence charges. Don't think she won't do it, she just might and being on the business end of a restraining order WILL hurt your divorce when it gets to the courthouse steps. SAHM's, like Elegirl said, think divorce is so great. They think they will waltz into court and the judge will just carve up your paycheck and give them a large chunk of it. That is not the case anymore. When my WW tried that, a lawyer told her the max she would get for spousal is 800$/month since she has no real expenses as I have all the debt. (I make 7K per month). Spousal would only be for 7 years as well. She then tried the child support thing and when that was calculated based on the days we each have the kids she would get 139$/month since I have them 250 days out of the year. So 939$/month MAX. Not a big payday here in Hampton Roads. You can't afford a 3 bedroom apartment on that. So, make sure she understands that with divorce, POVERTY and potentially homelessness await. There is a reason marriage offers security, make sure she understands this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whitefang said:


> my wife thinking am cheating her


Please start your own thread and people and help you there.


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## 4understanding (Oct 23, 2011)

Thanks for the advice, that is basically what I am doing. I bring home around 15k monthly so we live a nice lifestyle. Her behavior has turned so against me, even walking out on the kids quite a bit.
What is a good var to get, or where is the best place to get one?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

4understanding said:


> “she just keeps asking me for money which I stopped giving her”


How have the finances in your marriage been handled up to now? 

Has there been a joint account from which she can get money when she needs it, can go buy the things she needs?

Or have you kept it all in your name and she has to ask you for money?

That quote makes it sound like she had to beg you for money all along. Is this what has been going on throughout your marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

4understanding said:


> Thanks for the advice, that is basically what I am doing. I bring home around 15k monthly so we live a nice lifestyle. Her behavior has turned so against me, even walking out on the kids quite a bit.
> What is a good var to get, or where is the best place to get one?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Walmart and best buy have them. 

Get more than one. 

One to have on your person when you walk around the house and a back up one just in case she finds the first one.

Keep backups of all the recordings you get that are of interest... keep them soemwhere that she cannot get to and delete.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are going to use a VAR you need to be very controlled about what you say and do.

For example, if she starts to argue with you. Just tell her that you are not interested in an argument. Say it calmly. Stay around only long enough to get your persistence on a argument and you repeating that you are not intested in the argument. That you will be glad to discuss this calmly or via email to keep the anger and nastyness down.

if she comes at you physically in an attempt to get the basis for a false domestic violence charge, tell her loundly and clearly to not touch you, not hit you, etc. The walk away. If she follows you.. tell her to stop and get away from you. If she starts to hit you.. go into a fetal position and call 911... 

Always have your cell on you....

it's best if she does not know you are calling 911...

That way the 911 operators will hear wht is going on...

If you think this will not happen in your home.... stick around this forum for a while. All kinds of people here who thought that their wife would not try to make up false domestic violence charges.


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## 4understanding (Oct 23, 2011)

Agree on the var, I will look tomorrow.
As far as money goes, we have always had a joint account that she had full access to without any restraint what so ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

4understanding said:


> Agree on the var, I will look tomorrow.
> As far as money goes, we have always had a joint account that she had full access to without any restraint what so ever.


Ok, that's an important detail to know.


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

Why is she so unhappy, in her words?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

4understanding said:


> Wife and I have been having issues for quite a while, but have 2 children that we both love dearly and don't want to hurt.
> She informed me about a month ago that she wants a divorce and has been hell to live with since that time. Thankfully we do have a large home so we have our own space.
> She actually scheduled an appointment with a mc for us, I went but she didn't show up, she said no I'm done, its a waste of time I want to divorce. I know she has visited an attorney as have I. I would still like to try to work on things, don't know if we can, but I'm willing to try.
> Question is, she keeps asking me if I filed yet, says please send me paperwork. My issue is I think she wants to use this against me to tell the kids look what daddy did, he is making me move...if she wants divorce so bad why doesn't she file?
> ...


What "issues?"

Be honest just because she won't discuss anything now; you know what the issues are.


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