# is married life supposed to be like this??



## ava marie (Feb 28, 2012)

i am a homemaker i do all the house work, yard work, plumbing home work, basically everything. husband goes to work bring home the money pays all the bills. i am always looking into learning new things going back to school, online courses and such. husband thinks that he knows all he needs to know. kids and i go on daily walks and exercises husband says hes tired after bustin his but at work. never took me on a date never bought me a present never helps with homework. i am not attracted to him. he doesnt watch his weight, i have to beg him to shave i swear the man is a caveman. i am sooo unhappy i dont think it should be like this. i try so hard to find something about him that makes me want to be with him but i just dont see it. it is like he expects life to happen without putting forth an effort. he leaves all the decision making up to me. whenever i ask for his help/input/advice he acts like a child and says "i dont know. what you think?" the kids cant go to him for advice he tells them go to your mother. husband feels like since he brings home the money he don't have to do anything else. sometimes i feel sorry for him. he is like a child. sometimes when it really gets to me i tell him that if he dont do better i will leave he cries but still doesn't do any better. i just dont know what to do anymore. sorry for rambling.


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## ava marie (Feb 28, 2012)

i am just wondering if any one has a similar situation or some advice?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Ava - I can't say I've had a similar situation so I have no experience on which to base advice. What I can tell you is that communicating with your spouse is always a good thing, unfortunately sometimes they won't reciprocate. You ultimately have to realize that people only change if they want to, you cannot make him change. You also have to realize that no one else can be responsible for your happiness other than you. 

What's all that add up to? All you can really do is express to your H how you feel and what you would like to see happen. If he won't engage in dialogue then you just have to make sure you've expressed it to him clearly. You then have to decide what you are and are not willing to accept in your life and what the corresponding actions/consequences are and express those to him. Then, act accordingly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ava marie said:


> i am a homemaker i do all the house work, yard work, plumbing home work, basically everything.


How many hours a day does your husband work at his job?
AS the SAHM you should put just as many hours a day into working around the house as he does on his job. I mean working like cleaning, etc. 
Only after the two of you work equal hours should he ‘help’ you around the house, yard, etc.


ava marie said:


> husband goes to work bring home the money pays all the bills.


You are a lucky woman to have a man who does this. He is providing you with the gift of being a SAHM. It’s is a gift. A huge number of women do not get to do this even if they are married. 


ava marie said:


> i am always looking into learning new things going back to school, online courses and such. husband thinks that he knows all he needs to know.


This is what is called a disrespectful judgment. I don’t know what his career is, but he probably has training at work. Do you tell him that you feel this way about him? I hope not.


ava marie said:


> kids and i go on daily walks and exercises husband says hes tired after bustin his but at work.


You do not give us some important information here.. how long have you both been married? What kind of work does your husband do? Does he have a degree? Is his job physically demanding? Or does he sit all day?
Your husband probably is tired from work. Have you ever worked a job and had the demands of supporting a family? I do, I’m a woman by the way. And I too have a problem with exhaustion. It’s especially bad because I have issues with depression.. mostly because I have a husband who does not appreciate the fact that I support him and his kids (when they were at home). He does his own thing and does little to make things better/easier for me. But it’s the lack of appreciation of what I do for him that hurts the most and depresses me.


ava marie said:


> never took me on a date never bought me a present never helps with homework.


The no dates and no presents is not good. Did he do this when you dated? When you were first married? Or has it changed? When did it change?
About the housework. Again, he should help only after you both work about the same number of hours a day. After that he should help out.


ava marie said:


> i am not attracted to him. he doesnt watch his weight, i have to beg him to shave i swear the man is a caveman.


Sounds like depression to me.



ava marie said:


> i am sooo unhappy i dont think it should be like this. i try so hard to find something about him that makes me want to be with him but i just dont see it.


A good number or marriages get to this point because both spouses ignore the other’s needs. I suggest you take a look at the books in my signature block below next to how to build a passionate marriage. Your marriage needs a tune up. We teach people how to treat us. You need to re-teach your husband how to treat you.


ava marie said:


> it is like he expects life to happen without putting forth an effort.


Well apparently this is not entirely true since he works his butt off to support you and the kids. Your husband sounds depressed. As his wife it’s your jog to help him be the best person he can be. What research have you done find things that could help him. He obviously needs someone right now who loves him to help him get out of this slump. Has he been to a doctor about it?
Go towards what is called a Paleo diet, away from a lot of crabs… mostly good protein and veggies.
Look into DHA supplements and a multi vitamin. They do wonders for guys as the guys get older.


ava marie said:


> he leaves all the decision making up to me. whenever i ask for his help/input/advice he acts like a child and says "i dont know. what you think?"


So he respects your opinion. Too bad. Apparently you don’t like that. I would love to hear his side of this and very thing else too. He would probably say that you shoot him down when he expresses his opinions who he just leaves it to you. This is a common complaint that guys have on this topic.


ava marie said:


> the kids cant go to him for advice he tells them go to your mother.


Well this is not good. He needs to engage more with the kids. Some counseling on this topic might help. 


ava marie said:


> husband feels like since he brings home the money he don't have to do anything else.


A lot of men feel this way. And a lot of women think that a man is supposed to support them and then also do 50% of the house work. It’s a balance. I get the impression that your husband does not feel respected for all that he does for you. That you take him for granted. It a pretty typical thing for many SAHM’s. 100 years ago a SAHM would never expect her husband to do any housework. She would feel that he was giving her the message that he was not happy with her housekeeping. Today a lot of women expect their husband do 50% or more and if he does not she thinks he’s not doing what she should.
I am sole support of my family. I expect my husband to do 100% of everything around the house. He seldom lifts a finger. If he does the dishes and cooks dinner it’s a miracle. He does grocery shop. If he sweeps the floor something catastrophic will occur in the universe. I refuse to do anything except take care of my own stuff. He’s home, I support him, he should do everything else. If he spent 8 hours a day on the house, our house would be immaculate, we should have great meals, etc.



ava marie said:


> sometimes i feel sorry for him. he is like a child. sometimes when it really gets to me i tell him that if he dont do better i will leave he cries but still doesn't do any better. i just dont know what to do anymore. sorry for rambling.


What have you told your husband he needs to do to make things better?

Have you scheduled dates? If so what does he do? If not why not?
You are 50% responsible for the health of your marriage. Since it is you here who is unhappy, the major responsibility to kick start things falls on you. That’s how it goes. And yes I’m holding myself to the same standards with the issues in my marriage.
Here is some more reading for you that could greatly improve your life. You should probably read these before you read the ones I suggest above.

Prevent Your Divorce: The Walk Away Wife Syndrome
Walk-away Wife Syndrome | Divorce Busting

Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again by Michele Weiner-Davis 

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger


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