# Parenthood/couplehood - how to balance?



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

There are a few threads on TAM at the moment discussing issues around being married vs being a parent. I've been thinking about it a lot, it's certainly something that my husband and I struggled with after our first daughter was born.

My husband and I had been together a long time before we became parents. We were very happy. We were financially secure, we planned for and wanted our baby, we had some family support and a healthy, single baby. We were as prepared as its possible to be.

Yet we were really shocked and unbalanced by the change in our lives. We ended up very unhappy for a couple of years, and we could easily have separated. 

So what happened? A big part was our baby was a terrible sleeper. A scream before each sleep, wake-every-hour, take-an-hour-to-resettle sleeper. Until she was almost 12 months, and then she still didn't sleep through until she was well over two. 

So I was permanently exhausted. That made me cranky and in a bad mood. My husband withdrew, which is how he handles conflict. I withdrew in retaliation. I thought he didn't care, didn't miss me the way I missed him. Our sex life dwindled away, I thought he didn't care. 

Also, when our baby was three weeks old, my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer and a brain tumour. Thankfully, he responded very well to treatment, and is well today, six years later. But at the time, we thought he might not have long to live. My husband felt I was prioritising my dad over our baby, I felt he was being unsympathetic and unsupportive. 

We managed to sort things out when my daughter was four and her sister, one. Things weren't terrible the whole time, but I'd say for a good two years they were. 

Anyway, now things are great again, but there are many things we still can't do. We don't leave our kids with babysitters at night, we haven't been away together since the oldest was born. My parents are great, but they both still work part time, they're in their 60s and I think having two little kids for the weekend is too much to ask. 

So how have we managed to get back to loving one another? I had a very good example of a happy marriage growing up, my parents were always loving, respectful and physically demonstrative with each other, even though they could rarely get away together as all their families were interstate. They also made my brother, sister and I feel totally secure and absolutely beloved. There was no doubt that they would each save their children from drowning before they'd save each other.

This is a very long post. I'll finish now. What I'm interested in are real, practical ways that parents stay connected as married people while still being able to give their children everything they need emotionally. And for babies and toddlers, that's a lot.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Like you we were relatively well prepared for the arrival of our first. As DW had trained in child care we had a relatively smooth ride with daughter no 1.

Things got more difficult when no. 2 arrived, just because of the extra demands. We employed au pairs which generally worked well for us. We had two requirements. The young women had to be out of their teens and studying at university, or graduates. That delivered a degree of maturity and a certain minimum level of intelligence.

One of the au pairs met her husband when living with us, which meant she kept coming back. It also means he found himself emigrating to Spain, getting married, changing his career and fathering two daughters. We certainly changed his life for him! She is also a godmother to our youngest.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Me and hubz had a different start as I already had two children from my previous relationship. IMO this put us at an advantage because we never had that alone couple time that a lot of married couples have at the start of their relationship, or prior to that. So it was always a case of having to work round the children. And when we got together, my eldest was three, but the youngest was a baby, around ten months old.

I was trying to carve a life out for myself as well as being a mum and working too. So within that, dating was something I kept completely separate for a while. I felt a lot of guilt for the fact that my second would never even remember her dad being around, and found balancing work and the little ones difficult as I felt I wasn't spending enough time with them - at that point their dad met someone else and wasn't interested for a while so I was doing everything.

Hubz was living at home with his mum and was not-quite-thirty so it was a huge departure for him! He saw before we had children of our own what it was like so the transition to being parents when we had two more wasn't a huge shock.

We are lucky to have helpful family and so we are able to spend time together once a week to go out for tea and arrange extra date nights at the weekend where we split the kids between two sets of grandparents, or the elder ones with their dad and the younger ones with hubz's mum, which happens maybe once every month or couple of months. 

We also have a holiday once a year without the kids. Nothing fancy but five days or a week away. Takes a bit of organising but is really worth it! This year it might end up being two long weekends as our four-year-old starts school in September which is when we usually go away so we have to work round that.

As I'm a stay-at-home-mum, I do things with the kids. In our particular situation, I have recognised a need for the older two to have a degree of quality time with me alone from hubz, so we go out together every week to do something fun of their choosing (within reason!) while hubz gets to spend quality time with the younger two. We try for a family get-together once a month, and on the weekends where the older two are with their dad, we take the younger two out to things more geared at infants rather than trying to cater for them all (the older two are 9 and 6, and the younger two are 4 and 2.)

We did have a particularly low point after the birth of the littlest for a few months, after a fantastic and longed-for home birth, he slacked off for a few weeks leaving the burden of doing everything on me, then when baby was five months, he had a small EA. We learned a lot about ourselves and our relationship and things have got better ironically because of it.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

> This is a very long post.


Not long enough! I'm interested to hear what you did to make things better. I'm pregnant with my first and I admit these posts have been a bit concerning.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Like you we were relatively well prepared for the arrival of our first. As DW had trained in child care we had a relatively smooth ride with daughter no 1.
> 
> Things got more difficult when no. 2 arrived, just because of the extra demands. We employed au pairs which generally worked well for us. We had two requirements. The young women had to be out of their teens and studying at university, or graduates. That delivered a degree of maturity and a certain minimum level of intelligence.
> 
> One of the au pairs met her husband when living with us, which meant she kept coming back. It also means he found himself emigrating to Spain, getting married, changing his career and fathering two daughters. We certainly changed his life for him! She is also a godmother to our youngest.


Was your wife a SAHM? I can see where the Nanny would help during the day but how did you make time for intimacy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I hope more Moms and Dads will weigh in on their experience whether good or bad. Sure would be appreciated!
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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I look forward to reading what others have to say on this topic as my wife and I are always looking for ways to balance our lives.

See, up until a little over a year ago I was the captain of a private jet. I flew people all around the world and was constantly gone. My wife, Regret214 on the forums, worked very hard at her job and we have 2 children now ages 7 & 10. I flew for 10 years. I walked away from the job October 2011 because I missed my family. I wanted to be home.

The first thing I learned after our Dday...yeah, it sucks pretty bad but we've been working on reconciliation since March 2012 - anyway, the first thing I learned was that we needed to balance parenthood and couplehood. Working on our marriage which suffered such a tremendous blow was vital. However, our children were put on the back burner for the first couple months. They never went without. Don't get me wrong. They had food, clothes and everything they needed. They simply didn't get the FULL Mommy & Daddy that they deserved. It makes me sad to remember those months.

So...after a long winded opening - Date night. Regret and I make it a point to schedule at least one, if not two date nights per month. We have a standard sitter who we use and can give a week's notice and we're good to go. Date night can be dinner, a movie, a social get together. Anything as long as it's just us and we know the kids are being well cared for.

Kid's Date Days...yep - they get them, too. Most of the time we do something together as a family, however there are other times where Regret will take our daughter somewhere and I'll take our son somewhere. JUST as important, I will sometimes take our daughter somewhere and she will take our son. Yes, seeing a big guy with a little girl at Disney's Princesses on Ice just has to be a sight to see. But she's Daddy's Girl and I'm secure enough to hold that glittery magic wand while she adjusts her princess gown.

We have a set schedule for bed time for the kids. It's non-negotiable. 7:30 for her and 8:00 for him. Period. That way, even on weeknights, we have at least 2 hours of just "US" time. We can sit and chat or watch a movie. Regular tv time is only on Mon/Tue when the Voice is on but that's the only tv show we watch. The tube stays off. Also...laptops, tablets and phones are not allowed during US time. It's easy to get in that trap. We've been there.

Anyway - hope to read more ideas from others. It's always good to want to improve ourselves, our marriages AND our relationships with our kids.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Two words.

Sleep training. 

I know there are exceptions but I had all 3 of mine sleeping through the night by 3 months. 12 years later and I'm still a stickler for bedtimes. This didn't happen by accident I trained them to do this. When they were little bedtime was 7-8 which left plenty of adult time.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Firm sleep schedules.

We had the kids in bed between 7-8 pm every night no matter what. Adult time would be after that, unless one of them were sick.

Without firm schedules things go to pot for the most part. I've worked a full time job while raising both of my children. They're 4.5 years apart, but they shared pretty much the same schedule. Because I had to work, I had to employ a daytime sitter so leaving them with others was not an issue for me. I only had 2 people that I trusted so they kind of grew up with them and that made things easier too. Once they were school age, they stayed in before and after school programs instead of the sitter and that also worked well.

My mom would volunteer to keep them on some weekends to give me a break, and honestly I think it was mainly because SHE missed hanging with them. But I can't emphasize enough that children need a schedule to make it all work. Hour by hour every day should be planned out. They get used to it, and when it's off, you will KNOW IT. lol


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lyris said:


> This is a very long post. I'll finish now. What I'm interested in are real, practical ways that parents stay connected as married people while still being able to give their children everything they need emotionally. And for babies and toddlers, that's a lot.


It may seem contradictory, but making sure that you each get a little "me" time as well. I know that at times, my wife was so spent from the kids that having one more person to take up time was unappealing. Getting her out to do some of her things (the gym, a salon, or coffee with a friend) a couple of times a month helped her to want to be around me (and the same for me).

Also, the sleep schedule for the kids is critically important, as it means sleep for the parents.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

FrenchFry said:


> We've stressed manners so we feel comfortable taking our son to slightly more adult places where we can enjoy ourselves and he doesn't create a scene. We also aren't afraid of walking out of a place if he acts like a two year old. This is working for our son because we know he likes dim sum way more than mac n' cheese.  This is keeping our sanity too, while we treat him to kid places, we also get to continue grown-up time as well.
> We give him leeway for his age, but we expect him to be more of a mini-person than a child is the best way to put this.


My two-year-old can't even talk properly yet - there's no way I'd ever expect him to act like a mini-person! He's a screaming tantrumming wailing banshee child - and I know kids as he's my fourth, I really believe in age-appropriate discipline. He can just about grasp please and thankyou but at two, there's no way he actually understands the concept of manners so I wouldn't put us through the stress of holding him to the standard I'd expect, say, our four-year-old who gets it.

We like doing family things like you mention that are for us AND the kids but we don't go in with high expectations at that age. We go, do it, or try and have to leave halfway but it's no biggie, we tried and we learned not to put pressure on ourselves.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Nearly an empty nesters here but there are two things the we felt were excellent in all three areas. Parent, spouse and family.

1.) Family dinner together as often as possible for us that was 5+ evenings a week. When they get to be teens it gets tougher with access to transportation and extracurricular activities. We always considered the evening meal as the family "soul" of the day. We talk, catch up, argue and deal each other smack. I miss those days.

2.) Family board game night. Right after dinner. No phone, no distraction, no TV. A couple of hours of uninterrupted time a couple of nights a month. We did this from Chutes and Ladders, to Sorry, to Monopoly to Risk as they grew up. Another rule, we pick the music and we varied it to give them some exposure. I still get a kick when I take one of their cars in for service or help them out with a tank of gas. More than likely Ry Cooder, Clapton, Billie Holiday, Beatles, Zep, Joan Jett, Muddy Waters, or Manhattan Transfer is in the CD than something from pop radio. 

Those two things gave my wife and I plenty of time together plus the bonus of enjoying our kids.

Getting nostalgic and misty eyed now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lyris said:


> Anyway, now things are great again, but there are many things we still can't do. We don't leave our kids with babysitters at night, we haven't been away together since the oldest was born. My parents are great, but they both still work part time, they're in their 60s and I think having two little kids for the weekend is too much to ask.


Have you talked to your parents about this? What do they say?

I'm in my 60's. If I had grandchildren and their parents would not allow me to watch them once in a while I'd be very hurt.

There would be nothing better than to have grandchildren spend a an evening or night every few weeks. 

If your children do not learn to trust others, what will you do if something happens, like one of you ends up in a hospital for a while? Building a support system is important.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Amplexor you're bringing me back too. We're empty nesters now and I miss weekly game nights. (We like the same types of games you do, and I'm a bit of a collector. We even have Mousetrap!)

H and I still play together, and we manage to play with the kids when they come visit. Love those times!!

Sorry OP. Hijack over.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

As a pregnant first time wife I just wanted to say Thanks for all the responses. I can't wait to read them when I get home.
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## wifeandmummy (Aug 20, 2012)

This is a huge issue for us right now. Hubby and I were married in 05 and then our first daughter was born Nov/06, son was born May/09 and both of the children were planned..then bombshell number three made her appearance feb/11 and she wasnt planned in the slightest.

Parenting has put a massive strain on our marriage and I find that it has been a sliding/domino kind of effect for us really. Combining two different parenting styles can be very hard especailly when both parents want to be hands on and have a big say in the upbringing.

We have alot of issues going on in our mariage right now and we did seperate for 6 months last year and we are now working on R. I can 'blame' the stress of parenting on most of our issues...the loss of emotional conection through being completly exhausted (the two youngest were AWFUL sleepers as babies despite good bedtime routine from birth), I breastfed and we co-slept, we have totaly different ideas on parenting and all in all its been almost devistating to our marriage. We are currently working hard on our issues but we arnt out of the woods yet by any means. My husband struggles to cope with change and issues which crop up out of the blue which happens when you have children and means that his stress levels are through the roof ALL the time and it means that he is constantly over-reacting to everything.

Its exhausting and bloody hard work and if I didnt have fond memories of WHY we got married and had a family in the first place then im not sure we would still be here almost 8 years down the line!

Sorry mine wasnt a lovely dovey 'cloud 9' type story  We try to make as much time for each other as we can, no children sleep in our bed now, the kids are in bed for 7.30pm latest and then its 'our time' etc...I feel like its a huge massive effort all the time to keep the marriage going along side the parenting but I know its just part of the ride


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

We have a full house, with one on the way. We do many of the same things others have listed~family dinners, dates, etc. In addition, neither of us have time-consuming hobbies, and we don't get overly distracted with friends.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

As our son is autistic, he took over our lives. We had very little time for one another. But what reconnected us was simply date nights. We started out just going out to dinner and going home. Over time we stayed out longer and added movies, dancing, hotel rooms, picnics, and weekend getaways to our repertoire. We also try to meet for lunch, or coffee during my breaks from work. We just try to spend time alone with one another where ever we can.

At first we didn't even know what to say to one another and it was kind of uncomfortable. But we kept at it and now we love being alone together.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Marriage takes effort, with or without children. 

I've been through this two ways:

1. Married my husband when my daughters were 8 & 10. This was complicated to blend us all together as a family. It was and wasn't successful to varying degrees. I should have done a better job staying out of conflicts between the girls and my husband to allow them to develop their relationship more. I shouldn't have allowed my girls or my husband to come to me complaining about each other but should have deflected it back to them. The successful parts is that we all get along well now, we all love each other and support each other. I worked hard to make my husband a priority but didn't make time alone a priority for a few years.

I stopped our weekly girls' night of pizza and movies on Friday night. I rarely went out with my hubby alone. Looking back, I would change that and go out at least once a month just the two of us and make it a rule that we are not to talk about work or the kids. Make it a true 'date'. 

2. We became parents together 10 months ago to a little boy. We live in an area where we have no family or friends for support. I am determined to learn from the past. We're moving closer to our daughters, family and friends in 2 months. We WILL be spending a few nights a year (at least) by ourselves away from all children. We WILL be spending at least 2 nights a month out for a date. love my son but he will not suffer from spending time with his sisters or babysitters. 

I've learned from my daughters that kids grow up, they move out and on to their own lives. Hubby and I will be left together. It is up to us to feed and nourish our marriage so that we have something left when that happens.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> LOL tobio! Yeah, I've got a banshee here too, but he's also a huge chatterbox as well so I know I've lucked out on the pleases and thank yous.
> 
> I do give tons of leeway for 2, but by treating him like a mini person I mean more like this afternoon:
> 
> ...



Love this approach!!! We're starting to do this with our 10 month old. Which shirt would you like to wear (offer 2 choices). 

Which cup would you like (offer two choices)?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> Marriage takes effort, with or without children.
> 
> ....
> 
> I've learned from my daughters that kids grow up, they move out and on to their own lives. Hubby and I will be left together. It is up to us to feed and nourish our marriage so that we have something left when that happens.


^^^ THIS. We as a couple are all we have after the kids move out. Please make it a priority. Men, date your wives. Women, seduce and love your husbands. Turn your hearts toward each other. You're going to be changing each other's Depends some day so be nice to one another!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

My mom remarried when I was 10. I was distraught about this since it had been just the two of us for a while. I told her I didn't want it to happen, cried and threw a fit.

She hugged me, wiped my tears and then told me that she would always love me but that when I grew up and left home, this was the man she wanted to spend her life with. I will say, this broke my bratty, rotten heart at the time but I honestly have never forgotten it. 

We do need to continue to date, woo, seduce our other half. Women need to continue to do the little things that attracted their husband, keep flirting, keep doing thoughtful things just because we're thinking of them. It's not any ONE thing we do right or screw up. It's a million of the little things we get right that keep things working.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Have you talked to your parents about this? What do they say?
> 
> I'm in my 60's. If I had grandchildren and their parents would not allow me to watch them once in a while I'd be very hurt.
> 
> ...


My parents do look after them during the day. Right now, my dad looks after my youngest every Wednesday while I work. When we visit them, my husband and I often go out during the day.

My children trust plenty of people. They have no separation issues, during the day. Right now, we are preparing for my oldest to have a sleepover, she is very excited about it. My youngest is not ready, and I'm not willing to put her through distress by insisting. She'll be ready in her own time, just like her sister now is. 

If you have an anxious, sensitive child, it's not in their emotional best interests to force separation before they're ready. My older daughter was a very sensitive, anxious 3-y-o. My husband and I dealt with that by allowing her to stay close to us as much as she needed, which was a lot, while encouraging little forays of independence. She is now a confident, secure 6-y-o who amazes me with her bravery about things daily. 

Even with hindsight I can't really say what would have helped us. We did have firm bedtime routines, we tried all kinds of things to help her sleep, none of which made any difference. We weren't willing to leave her to cry though, so sleep training wasn't a possibility. 

I do know, both from my experience and friends, that babies tend to really show up and magnify any flaws in your relationship. So ours were, bad communication about negative stuff, a tendency to take on each others' moods and emotional dependence on each other. All got much worse, predictably. 

Also, I have always been the steady one, the emotionally stable one, the one who would eventually insist we resolve problems. After my first baby was born and my dad got sick, I was all over the place emotionally. My husband didn't know how to help, although looking back, he did try, and I didn't know how to ask for his help. Maybe without that dynamic things would have been easier.

So given that we don't leave our kids at night and are more on the attachment parent side than a lot of people, how do we stay connected? We have two date nights at home each week. One is take away and either a movie or chatting. Then we have some other kind of date, tonight my husband has a special prize coming, because he won another game we played last date night. 

We also don't co sleep full time. Right now, I start the night out in our bed and then when/ if my 3-y-o wakes up, usually at about 2am, although sometimes she sleeps through, I get in with her for the rest of the night. I'm looking forward to my youngest sleeping as well as my oldest in the next couple of years. 

And we're just nice to each other. We send texts during the day, I buy him little treats, I let him sleep in, he makes sure I get a nap on the weekends, we always touch each other as we go past...all those everyday things mean a lot. And sex, obviously. Sometimes we get interrupted, sometimes the kids are sick or have a nightmare, mornings are mostly out still due to early waking 3-y-o. But we manage 2-5 times a week, barring one if us being sick.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I didn't read beyond the first post - but this struck a chord with me.

Honestly, I think no matter how prepared you really think you are for kids, you just can't help but have your marraige take a hit.

For us, it was pretty brutal. We were in a serious relationship, but not engaged when I got pregnant unplanned. I was a mess. I didn't even know if I wanted children EVER, and then I got pregnant. My husband was overjoyed. Quickly after that, we got engaged, and within 8 weeks we were married. Shotgun wedding. Soon after, our son was born. 

I had to learn how to be a wife and mother at the same time. And one thing that I still struggle with, is that I do not truly believe he would have proposed to me at that time had I not gotten pregnant. He swears it's not true, and I have since dropped the subject and do not speak a word of it, but I am convinced that we would not have gotten engaged if not for my pregnancy. And that is a pretty hard pill to swallow.

Nevertheless, we are here. Right after my son was born (at 8 weeks PP) I found out I was pregnant again with #2. So we never had time to settle into our roles as parents before we were preparing for baby #2. 

Keep in mind at that time, we had both just graduated college and were looking to start our careers - didn't have stable jobs or living arrangements yet.

The first years of our marraige were the worst. My son was a high needs baby, never ever slept and had colick/reflux. He was still up multiple times a night, and only 11 months old, when our daughter was born. I had a 2 week old baby at my sons first birthday party. Our lives were complete chaos and it was every man for himself, do whatever you can do to survive type of living - there was no room to worry about growing a relationship in those circumstances.

The only thing that kept us together, was my husbands pure excitement and optimism at being a father and a husband. I am being completely honest. There were many, many times I wanted to give up. I didn't embrace my role as a mother right away...I felt I wasn't cut out for it. My husband TAUGHT me how to be a mother, and taught me in turn how to be a wife to him. I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude to him for the way he handled our first couple of years and how much patience he had with me and the two kids when the three of us were a complete train wreck. 

It wasn't until things slowed down a bit and we both got back on our feet, about two years later, that we stepped back and realized we were married (we never even celebrated being a married couple, it didn't even hit us) and that we have to keep that marraige going somehow. 

We owe a lot to my in-laws as they have a great relationship with our kids and they are always available to babysit. We take advantage of it frequently, too. I always feel like we have a lot of making up lost time to do since we missed out on our newlywed days so we have date nights usually once a week, and we make the most of them.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

My kids are young adults/teens. But, I do remember those days!

First, I think the marriage absolutely has to come first. Date nights with a babysitter are important. It's good for the parents and the kids. Then, when they're a little older, overnights at grandma's. I had the best mom who absolutely couldn't wait for them to spend a night. I called her Club Grandma. Really, if you're marriage doesn't survive, in the end the kids will end up with so much less.

Sleep is important. I was lucky in that my babies were good sleepers and slept through the night by 3 mo. We always had early bedtimes and good routines. I always read them a story before night time which was great time together. I started with Pat the Bunny. I even read to them until my youngest went to middle school. By then it was the Lord of the Rings series. Earlier bedtimes give you a chance to reconnect with H and recharge.

Also, no TV/gaming systems on school nights M-Th. This helps wear them out for a better night's sleep and helps them with school.

Family dinners are still important. We connect as a family. They learn about us, we learn about them, we learn to talk over topics. I love our conversations. It binds us together.

Finally, it helps if your mate is involved. I don't think it's good for one spouse to do all the child rearing. I was lucky in that my H changed many a diaper. He also took as many sick days off as I did for sick children (I worked part time at first, then full time when all were in school.) He was my partner. I did not criticize his child rearing skills, he didn't criticize mine. We figured it out together.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Another helpful hint. ASK your partner for help when you need or want it. Be specific. Mean are not mind readers and its easy to build up resentment if you're feeling he isn't do as much as he should. I learned that the hard way. So now we talk, no resentment, more sex and intimacy. Win win situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

This is an excellent thread too for those of us who do not have children in our marriage. 

After a near lifetime of wanting to raise kids, I've been off the bandwagon for going on a year now. I just find myself very territorial of my marriage, and the freedom of my life in general, and that clashes directly with my lifelong desire to be a dad. My wife had entered into major baby mode, but that changed a few months ago. She started to see how her friends lives had become consumed by their children, and how adversely kids have affected their marriages, and the flexibility of their lives, and now she too is off the kids wagon in a big way. I do believe we will eventually have children together, be it via adoption or biology, but right now we're very happily childless.

I don't come to TAM much anymore, but it's really good that threads like this exist. They are an enormous source of information, and in some cases even hope, for those of us who are very wary about children negatively impacting marriage. It's good to see that some have stuck a nice balance between good parenting and having a good marriage.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I think you both have to be able to put yourself in the other's shoes and feel respected and appreciated for the effort and hard work you are doing. When you do feel like you are being neglected, it's important you are able to talk to each other in a non-accusatory manner and frame it as "how can I help you spend more time with me." 
Of course it is much easier to write than to actually put into action. We are only beginning to feel like we have a handle on things and our son is going to be four years old soon. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

For me, it was a strict bedtime once the baby was about 2. 8pm for her, 9pm for the older one. After that, it was our time.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

We had grandparents that helped a little.Our problems weren't young children .We could figure out a way to connect .Older children (teens) actually caused our stress.Babies were no big deal.Babies sleep and just need a book /puzzle /and a burrito apple slices and a sippy cup..teanagers need drivers liscence /college tuition /and bailed out of jail LOL!!


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

We also were very strict with sleep schedules and did sleep training at 8 months. It was tough but very worth it in the long run. So we always have our evenings together.

Now recently Hubby has come up with something else. In lieu of buying each other birthday and anniversary gifts, we put that money to one weekend away together....just us, no kids. This year it's just a one nighter since 2 nights might be too much for my parents, but it's happening this month and we are SO excited about it  Next year we'll try for 2 nights since the youngest will be 7. OP this is something maybe you could consider....one night once a year might not be too much imposition on your parents.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Yes, I think when our youngest is five or so, it will be possible to leave our kids with my parents overnight. 2 more years!


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