# help!



## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

We just spoke and are trying to divide our money and stuff... SO PAINFUL! he has already found a new place to live and seems like he'll just give me anything i want (within reason) to go away - it's the worst feeling in the world!!! Nobody cheated! He just decided he doesn't want me anymore and I'm so heartbroken 

How did you go public with your divorce? I am in school with a very close class of like 60-70 people and only a few know, but I might as well just be open about it. Why am I hiding this? Do I need to be ashamed?


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## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

Amymarie717 said:


> We just spoke and are trying to divide our money and stuff... SO PAINFUL! he has already found a new place to live and seems like he'll just give me anything i want (within reason) to go away - it's the worst feeling in the world!!! Nobody cheated! He just decided he doesn't want me anymore and I'm so heartbroken
> 
> How did you go public with your divorce? I am in school with a very close class of like 60-70 people and only a few know, but I might as well just be open about it. Why am I hiding this? Do I need to be ashamed?


When my wife came to divide our stuff she was like a robot, not emotion at all. She actually did not take hardly anything, like nothing ever mattered. It was totally painful for me. They act like them don't care etc., but you know what, they are just hiding it. They act so happy in their new life. I am good friends with her brother and know that her "new life" is not fun. 

I got a lot of painful things said to me like " I don't desire you anymore", "what we had is dead", and " I don't find you attractive". It hurts bad I know. I also know they are just trying to make themselves feel less guilt.

Don't hide it. Nothing to be ashamed about, as long as you did everything you felt you could to save it, if it was worth it. I can finally tell anyone who asks, and not feel ashamed. I know it is not fun to tell people though. 

You are heartbroken now, but everyday is a new day and you will feel better. You will get through it. I have confidence. I thought I would not get through it but everyday is a little tiny bit better for me. One day we will be happy and free again from the pain.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I can't wait to be completely happy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I am so sorry you are hurting. I think even if he is done with the marriage, though, he is feeling this too. I know my husband and I are both conflicted. It can change by the minute who wants to work in this and who wants to leave. This is familiar, and even if he doesn't want it...leaving the familiar is terrifying.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

striker711 said:


> When my wife came to divide our stuff she was like a robot, not emotion at all. She actually did not take hardly anything, like nothing ever mattered. It was totally painful for me. They act like them don't care etc., but you know what, they are just hiding it. They act so happy in their new life. I am good friends with her brother and know that her "new life" is not fun.
> 
> I got a lot of painful things said to me like " I don't desire you anymore", "what we had is dead", and " I don't find you attractive". It hurts bad I know. I also know they are just trying to make themselves feel less guilt.
> 
> ...


He told me those same hurtful things, that I was "more like a sister than a wife" "not attracted to you," and "the spark is completely dead for me."

Yeah, I did what I could to save the marriage- short of holding him hostage and begging him to stay. It just kills me when he talks to me so business like with zero emotion. He doesn't want many things either. He created an excel document outlining what he wants to give me within like 24 hrs of my asking him to think about it. Just shows how ready he is to get out. 

I see what you mean about it getting SLIGHTLY easier at times, but when I hear his voice or get a text/email I massively regress into major depression and deep sorrow over this loss.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

BFGuru said:


> I am so sorry you are hurting. I think even if he is done with the marriage, though, he is feeling this too. I know my husband and I are both conflicted. *It can change by the minute who wants to work in this and who wants to leave.* This is familiar, and even if he doesn't want it...leaving the familiar is terrifying.


He's been consistent all along with wanting to leave. Like he has NO doubts! How could that be? People divorce and break up all the time, but when you're going through it, it seems like the most ridiculously painful nonsensical horrendous thing EVER


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

lee101981 said:


> I can't wait to be completely happy!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Completely? I hope it's possible to experience total happiness at least once more before I die!


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## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

Amymarie717 said:


> I see what you mean about it getting SLIGHTLY easier at times, but when I hear his voice or get a text/email I massively regress into major depression and deep sorrow over this loss.


Ok, so it took me, literally eight months after she left, to decide that I wasn't going to contact her anymore because I never felt better afterwords, ( we are not divorced yet but soon will be). I know what you mean about hearing their voice. You feel normal and sane for a little bit after the contact and then crash emotionally. I used to wait for the moment that she would txt/call/ or email. I know what you mean about hearing their voice. It is a huge loss and I still have trouble with it every single day, you are not alone in the way you are feeling, but is does get better. I am not fixed yet though. 

They say the most hurtful things possible to make themselves feel less guilt. I endured it all, as I am sure you have as well. It is tough to take that from someone you love and have opened your heart so completely to. 

This doesn't make it any easier today though, I know Amy.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I keep thinking he is going to walk thought the house !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I keep thinking he is going to walk thought the house !
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hate coming home to a dark cold empty house it sucks.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I hate the weekends he has the kids!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

This strikes a chord with.

In the back of my mind, I keep hoping that I will get home from work and my wife and baby will be waiting for me, smiling.

My rational mind tells me otherwise these days. I used to keep the house spotless just in case she decided to come back one day.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

striker711 said:


> Ok, so it took me, literally eight months after she left, to decide that I wasn't going to contact her anymore because I never felt better afterwords, ( we are not divorced yet but soon will be). I know what you mean about hearing their voice. You feel normal and sane for a little bit after the contact and then crash emotionally. I used to wait for the moment that she would txt/call/ or email. I know what you mean about hearing their voice. It is a huge loss and I still have trouble with it every single day, you are not alone in the way you are feeling, but is does get better. I am not fixed yet though.
> 
> They say the most hurtful things possible to make themselves feel less guilt. I endured it all, as I am sure you have as well. It is tough to take that from someone you love and have opened your heart so completely to.
> 
> This doesn't make it any easier today though, I know Amy.


It DOES make it easier. Thank you. I love waking up to new messages on TAM. It makes me feel like my feelings are normal and quite common, and that this is all just part of the healing process that it will (hopefully) not last forever. 

Random thought: A lot of people tell me I'm lucky that we never had children, but what they don't get is that I want to have children! Betrayal and abandonment hurts whether there are kids involved or not. Sure there are no kids involved to feel the pain, children don't deserve that, but he took away my chance at having kids (I feel). Thank goodness that medical technology will be able to manipulate the sh*t out of my future old body if I finally meet another man who wants to start a family with me. 

I still send him texts that warn him to be 100% sure before throwing me away. It's not that he is going to change his mind or that I want him to, but this all went down over the course of 3.5 weeks, and I hope any second thoughts sit with him forever and torture the core of his being. I know we need to part ways. But I want him to question himself forever and struggle eternally with whether he could have done anything (since he did not try at all) to save the marriage. He just walked out one day and never looked back. Never wanted to discuss our problems. Just "knew" that our love was dead.


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