# Way too stressed out



## mitkit46 (Jan 19, 2009)

My husband and i got married Jul of 2007. Not even two years yet and its just horrible.

I lived in nc and he in ga, so I moved to ga. We purchased a 30 yr old house which looked pretty good, but, still there was alot of things that needed done.

He doesn't want to help! He doesn't do this nearly as much as he used to, however, when I asked him to help with things he used to whine, yes, actually whine, and act like a twelve year old. I lost alot of respect for him that first year.

Now, the way it is is if something needs to be done, I typically do it. Usually I can get just about any project done with minimal help from him. For example: Sanding and restaining the stairs, building shelves, painting a room. When I do require his help for something that takes two people he acts like it is such an imposition and most times we have to have a knock down drag out for me to get some help.

For example: I bought this desk real cheap from a company that is closing, so I figured since I have to completely disrupt my office, now would be a good to paint. Well the room right beside it that the office opens up to has the chair rail and trim on the bottom half and is painted white, for continuity sake I wanted to do the office the same way.

I have two weekends to do this in and he is going out of town the first weekend. I asked him to help me friday night and he said he would. Well, we got back from the store (for supplies) at 8:00 pm and he said he didn't feel like helping me that night. 

Now, mind you, he is leaving for the weekend but, can't help me friday night. So, in order to accomodate (as usual), I get up at 5:00 in the morning and cut the trim pieces and have everything ready for him when he decides to get up. When he did, I asked for ten minutes of his time. He helped me, but as usual, acted like it was just going to kill him. I needed him to hold the trim level so I could put just two nails in each of the 4 boards - so I would use him as little as possible. 

Well, when I went to put the rest of the nails in two corner pieces didn't exacty align so I asked him to push on the one piece to force it, so I could put a nail in. 

Boy, you should have heard him, he went baliistic! He screamed about wanting to get out of here by 9:00 o'clock. I told him it would take about 1 minute, and he did it, but, and this is typical, why do we have to have a knock down drag out fight for me to get 1 minute of help!!!????

I mean, I"m the one who plans, researches, and executes ALL, yes all, of the projects around here. I have learned not to bother him, but, sometimes, it takes more than one person - like leveling a 16' board to the wall. I mean, I feel like I am abundantely accomodating him by assuming the tasks myself. I am not used to doing these sorts of things. My men always took care of things like this.

He always seems to like the end result. It is'nt a case of spending the money. He just doesn't want to be bothered with any of it. 

I think since I do the majority of the projects, that he ought to lend a hand when needed and not ruin my whole day by acting like its going to kill him.

I think, he should have gotten up a mite bit earlier, and come to me and said, hey, I want to be out of here by 9:00, so if you need me, use my now. Since he knew we were on a deadline and only had this weekend and next - AND - I was going to be working like a dog all weekend, while he played with his mother and sister out of town. 

I'm just so tired of picking up his slack as far as projects go and then have to fight for the 1% that i ask of him.

He left mad, and I was very mad, and now he's back and as usual, life is supposed to go on as usual. I was hoping that he would have thought about it while he was gone and realize he was an ass and apologise, but, that never happens so everything is just building up and nothing ever gets resolved. I have talked to him til I'm blue in the face and nothing ever changes. 

I'm finding it extremely hard to find a reason to respect the "man".

Lots more than this is wrong, but, I'd figure I'd start with this.

I am so frustrated, and emotionally exhausted.

Any thoughts?


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

My first thought was ... DO NOT have a child with this man until this issue is resolved. Seriously, I have two kids and they are so much work and really requires both adults in the house to keep things together without losing your mind. If he's that lazy and childish, you will be so miserable raising a kid and caring for a home with this blob in your house.

The next thought is, what DOES he do for you? What do you love about him? Is he selfish and lazy in other areas of the relationship?

Counseling seems in order.

BTW, my SIL's husband is extremely not handy. He's not lazy - he's a hard worker and does a lot for his family, but he will not hammer a nail into a wall if you killed him. Anyway, the way they've solved that problem (because they're lucky enough to have the money) is to pay people to do the work around their house. Granted, SIL will do a lot of stuff too (painting, etc) but she does it mostly because she likes. He makes enough money to just pay for the labor. If that's at all an option, take it.


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## mitkit46 (Jan 19, 2009)

He does the absolute minimum, finally, without me having to constantly ask, like he takes out the garbage, most times he makes sure the doors are locked, most times he turns the thermostat down at night and he does most of the running around on his way home from work. 

I do accounting from home, so he's out alot more than me.

We have been in counseling. Now he is in counseling alone and working on hisself, but, I'm not seeing much evidence of that, so i requested that he include me in this so we can work on stuff that will have a direct effect on our "marriage". 

I do work part time most weeks, but often more than part time. Still, I don't believe that should require me to do everything. 

My mother suggests hiring someone to do the work as well, but, like the room I am doing now, I know that it would have cost at least 1200 with all the wood work and the specialized painting - and I only asked for about 12 minutes of his time for that one. We could afford it, however, I can get alot more done than we can afford to pay someone to do. I guess I'm impatient.

I just really can't take it when we have to have a knock down drag out for a tiny bit of help.

Oh yeah, he likes surfing the net and playing video games.

thanks for your reply


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## mitkit46 (Jan 19, 2009)

I'm at my wits end. 

I figured (although at this point I don't know why), but, I figured while he was driving from atlanta to augusta this last weekend after our knock down drag out fight to get 12 minutes of help on the project, that he would think about it and come back and apologize for being such an ass, however, as usual he didn't say one word about it.

Finally, last night I brought it up and what it came down to is that apparently he hadn't given it a second thought and while we were talking about it he said he didn't see it the same way (which is more communication then I usually get out of him), but, he wouldn't say how he did see it.

I don't know what alternate universe he lives in! 

this marraige is impossible - I have moved to the other room and told him it is over. (not the first time - but, hopefully it will be the last time - it always goes back to the same issues anyway) I feel like I am just an annoyance to him. 

I'm 46, I'm not getting any younger or prettier, I am not at all looking forward to going back out there on my own again. Like I said I am currently working just part-time, so I will have to stay here at least long enough to get a few more accounts, but, that doesn't mean I have to be sleeping in his bed!

Oh yeah, we used to f-ck like bunnies before we got married, (s'cuse my french), but, we have had sex just four times since we got married (july it will be two years). When asked why, he just says he doesn't know. But, he can stay up all night watching porn! And he can have hundreds of pictures of girls on his computer! It's ridiculous.

He has been a bachelor most of his life. He doesn't seem to have ANY relationship skills (or common sense). 

I guess when he was visiting me in nc he was on "good behavior" and not ensconsed in work like he is now so, I guess, and he has said as much, he was able to relax more. He is also so negative. He almost always takes an apposing view of things (negative), and because of this it never seems like we are "together" on things. I don't get any affirmations from him. No validation. 

I don't think there is any love or affection in him. Everything is about him. And if I get upset - I'm to blame for being upset - he doesn't consider WHY I'm upset and never tries to make up. I'm just supposed to get over it.

Anyway, Thanks for listening. I think I'll go to the counselor myself although I don't really know what we will talk about, maybe my dread about being single again.

Anyway, thank you, in advance for your input. Sorry so long.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

As far as your sex life goes, all you have to do is forbid him to ejaculate solo. You will be surprised at how the frequency creeps up. When a man cums, it lets of steam and the sexual tension/pressure is not there. By whacking off to porn he is robbing you of your marital dues. IMHO.


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## MrsRutland (Jan 21, 2009)

Try reading the surrendered wife by laura doyle it might not be for you, but since following her advice my otherhalf does more without me needing to ask. I do think its worth reading even if you dont like it you may like a couple of bits of advice it really saved my relationship it was in such a state that i originally bought the surrendered single book!


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## mitkit46 (Jan 19, 2009)

thank you - I'll check out the book


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