# New here, not sure what to do.



## PurpleElephant

I have been married for a year, we have a son who is almost one! I’m young, 23 and so is my husband. I am not sure what to do with my predicament. 
So I guess I’ll just start on this post. I have always had a low sex drive and it’s basically gone now that I have had a baby. My husband always reminds me of what a good husband he is by being patient. He reminds me of that quite often along with the fact that if I had this lack of sexual desire in another relationship that partner would leave me. Now he does touch me even after I’ve expressed I don’t want to do anything. The touching is light strokes trying to arouse me. 
He says he just wants to express how much he loves me. This has been going on for a while. Lately he’s been asking for bjs and I have expressed that it makes me uncomfortable and that I would rather not. Now he tells me that because he was molested as a child (doesn’t talk much about it) he has to have sex all the time. Which I’m trying, I just can’t ignore the fact that I know I don’t want any thing sexual at the time. 
Then one incident he starts crying because of what happened and I asked what I could do to help him. He tells me to give him a bj, that that’s what will help him. 
It’s gotten to the point where I sometimes avoid going to bed when he does, I’m tired of the sexual coercion. I need help, am I just suppose to do what my husband wants because he was molested? Putting all my emotions aside?


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## personofinterest

> Now he tells me that because he was molested as a child (doesn’t talk much about it) he has to have sex all the time.


First, the above claim is BS

That said, sex is typically a regular part of a healthy marriage. I was the one who always got rejected in my first marriage, and I can tell you that it is indescribably painful to be rejected so intimately.

I would suggest going to your doctor, as there may be a hormone imbalance. If you take BC pills, you may look into switching to one that does not affect sex drive as much.

Here is a core question: Do you love your husband?


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## farsidejunky

Help me reconcile your observation about your husband being patient, while simultaneously being frequently coercive over sex.



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married

personofinterest said:


> I was the one who always got rejected in my first marriage, and I can tell you that it is indescribably painful to be rejected so intimately.


Keep the above in mind going forward. This has broken many a marriage.


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## Noble1

Sorry to hear about your situation.

First of all, if your husband is having issues due to his past, maybe it would be a good idea for his to see someone about it and come up with some other coping mechanisms as well as "sex all the time".

Having said that, I too am in a marriage where I am not getting all the physical love/sex that I want either and it does hurt no matter what the reason is.

I do understand your situation in having a newer baby and just getting into parenthood. Kids change things for sure.

From what you posted, it seems like you are getting frustrated with the constant "demands" for sex which does lead to a downward spiral.

Do you think some marriage counselling would work at getting the two of you back on track?

Good luck.


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## ConanHub

You two could use some counseling from someone with experience in child sexual assault and sex therapy.

Your husband is whiny and manipulative. I don't want to discount his child trauma but he is probably killing what little chance he has at arousing you by being such a pathetic wimp.

You also need help. As long as you are otherwise healthy, your lack of interest in sex is mental and/or emotional.

Having a small child can be taxing but hardly a barrier to a healthy libido. My family is an anecdotal example of this along with many others.

Do you want your marriage to be healthy and successful?

If the answer is yes, you and your husband have a lot of work and growth to accomplish.

If you or he isn't willing to work and grow, I don't personally give your marriage good odds.


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## Yeswecan

Rejecting your H on a consistent basis becomes a thing of pain/hurt for your H. My W would experience this when I would reject her. She cried herself to sleep many nights. I was crushed when I found out she would do this. 

Sex is part of a healthy marriage. Instead of figuring out your H and the desire to have sex/intimacy with his W please take the time to find out why you choose to not have sex.

Let me say, kids do not come first when it comes to the marriage. The marriage(spouse) is always first in everything.


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## StillSearching

I'd say it's best he act like a man that would arouse her, instead of crying and talking about how patient he's being. 

"Let me say, kids do not come first when it comes to the marriage. The marriage(spouse) is always first in everything."...I second this!


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## 3Xnocharm

ConanHub said:


> You two could use some counseling from someone with experience in child sexual assault and sex therapy.
> 
> Your husband is whiny and manipulative. I don't want to discount his child trauma but he is probably killing what little chance he has at arousing you by being such a pathetic wimp.


He is ABSOLUTELY being manipulative and honestly downright gross. None of what he is doing would increase arousal or interest in ANY woman. He is being a real ass. 



ConanHub said:


> You also need help. As long as you are otherwise healthy, your lack of interest in sex is mental and/or emotional.
> 
> Having a small child can be taxing but hardly a barrier to a healthy libido. My family is an anecdotal example of this along with many others.


She stated she's never had much of a libido. Some people in the world just dont desire sex.. it doesnt mean there is something wrong with them, its just who they are, how they are wired. If she had a good healthy drive before baby, I would be more concerned that she has some kind of hormonal or mental issue, but I have a feeling this is just who she is. 

Before you two got married, was your H well aware of your low drive? If so then he was well aware of what he was getting into. Or did you really make a big change in things after baby? I hate to tell you this, but if you are going to stay married, you are going to have to have sex with him sometimes. If this is something you just cannot bear, then you need to get out of the marriage and make sure you either dont get into another one, or have partner on the same page as you.


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## personofinterest

3Xnocharm said:


> He is ABSOLUTELY being manipulative and honestly downright gross. None of what he is doing would increase arousal or interest in ANY woman. He is being a real ass.
> 
> 
> 
> She stated she's never had much of a libido. Some people in the world just dont desire sex.. it doesnt mean there is something wrong with them, its just who they are, how they are wired. If she had a good healthy drive before baby, I would be more concerned that she has some kind of hormonal or mental issue, but I have a feeling this is just who she is.
> 
> Before you two got married, was your H well aware of your low drive? If so then he was well aware of what he was getting into. Or did you really make a big change in things after baby? I hate to tell you this, but if you are going to stay married, you are going to have to have sex with him sometimes. If this is something you just cannot bear, then you need to get out of the marriage and make sure you either dont get into another one, or have partner on the same page as you.


I understand very well where some of this is coming from.....

BUT

Sex is a part of every healthy marriage. Yeah....it IS. If someone doesn't desire sex, the HONEST thing to do is to not marry.

OP, why did you marry someone that you are not attracted to? Did you really think it would be okay to NOT have sex with the man you married?

Sorry to be harsh, but I cannot understand why anyone would think their partner would be fine with no intimacy.

There is a school of thought out there that a magic formula can make a woman want sex or that having sex when you aren't in the mood will create a "sexual aversion." These schools of thought were created by a few people taking a basically good set of principles and perverting them in an ingrown kind of way online.

Sex is a part of a healthy marriage. If you do not desire sex with your husband, it is something that needs to be resolved. And him sucking it up because he should have known is NOT a solution.

I recommend a doctor's appointment as a first step.


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## OnTheFly

Did you have lotsa sex before he committed to you?

If you abstained until marriage, was sex discussed beforehand?

Were promises made, then broken, by either of you?


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## She'sStillGotIt

PurpleElephant said:


> He says he just wants to express how much he loves me.


I read this crap all the time, men wanting to have sex claiming they "just want to _show_ you how much they _love_ you."

But hey, they'll also take a blow job if you're too tired. :rofl: I'd be SO curious to know how a guy is _'showing me how much he loves me'_ when he's laying back with his eyes rolled up in the back of his head while I do all the work. Guess that's a mystery for the ages, kiddies.

This guy though, with the *ridiculous *stories that keep changing while he begs for blowjobs - right down to "I was molested and now I need sex 24/7." Good lord. He's acting desperate because you keep turning him down (obviously).

From the sounds of it, you might have post-partum depression. That could account for your non-existent drive. A mistake lots of women tend to make after they have babies is that they suddenly make their whole LIVES about being a mother and forget that they're women *FIRST*. Unless it's baby/family related in some way, they just aren't interested. Date nights, sex, going out for drinks, vacations alone, weekend get-aways, buying sexy lingerie and serving him up a candlelight dinner - none of that applies to you anymore because it's not family oriented. And THAT'S where you're making your mistake.

I agree that a doctor's visit should be mandatory. I'm not quite sure, however, what one needs to do to go back to being a woman FIRST and shedding the 24/7 'mom' persona. But in all seriousness - if you own a van, or one of those ugly Subarus, that's the first thing you need to get *rid* of on your way back to becoming a woman first. Really. I'm not kidding.


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## SongoftheSouth

No 23 year old man wants to be celibate the rest of his life. You need not own a ouji board or visit a fortune teller to predict your future. I predict he will leave you for another woman or have an affair while you are still married and then leave. Don't need to be all broken out with brightness to see that coming.


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## skerzoid

Purple Elephant:

Did you tell your husband about this problem before you married him? Sex is a basic human need. Do you expect him to go without? 

Marriage vows = " To have and to hold, forsaking all others." I'm sorry to say, if you don't try to find a solution, your marriage won't last long and you will be a single mother.

There was an earlier thread where the opposite happened, with the husband became unable to perform and didn't do much to answer his wife's requests. Eventually got involved with another man in another country. 

Sex is a basic human need. Your belief that he is being unreasonable is sadly mistaken.


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## MattMatt

PurpleElephant said:


> I have been married for a year, we have a son who is almost one! I’m young, 23 and so is my husband. I am not sure what to do with my predicament.
> So I guess I’ll just start on this post. I have always had a low sex drive and it’s basically gone now that I have had a baby. My husband always reminds me of what a good husband he is by being patient. He reminds me of that quite often along with the fact that if I had this lack of sexual desire in another relationship that partner would leave me. Now he does touch me even after I’ve expressed I don’t want to do anything. The touching is light strokes trying to arouse me.
> He says he just wants to express how much he loves me. This has been going on for a while. Lately he’s been asking for bjs and I have expressed that it makes me uncomfortable and that I would rather not. Now he tells me that because he was molested as a child (doesn’t talk much about it) he has to have sex all the time. Which I’m trying, I just can’t ignore the fact that I know I don’t want any thing sexual at the time.
> Then one incident he starts crying because of what happened and I asked what I could do to help him. He tells me to give him a bj, that that’s what will help him.
> It’s gotten to the point where I sometimes avoid going to bed when he does, I’m tired of the sexual coercion. I need help, am I just suppose to do what my husband wants because he was molested? Putting all my emotions aside?


*He needs counselling for his problems.*

he doesn't need to turn you into an automated sex machine. In fact, he shouldn't get to do that. It's not fair, it's not what you signed up for. 

He has hands so I'd guess that masturbation would not be beyond possible for him?


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## MattMatt

skerzoid said:


> Purple Elephant:
> 
> Did you tell your husband about this problem before you married him? Sex is a basic human need. Do you expect him to go without?
> 
> Marriage vows = " To have and to hold, forsaking all others." I'm sorry to say, if you don't try to find a solution, your marriage won't last long and you will be a single mother.
> 
> There was an earlier thread where the opposite happened, with the husband became unable to perform and didn't do much to answer his wife's requests. Eventually got involved with another man in another country.
> 
> Sex is a basic human need. Your belief that he is being unreasonable is sadly mistaken.


But if he needs treatment for his CSA, then he needs treatment from a qualified professional. He doesn't get to have constant sex from his wife to repair his damaged psyche. That's not a marriage.


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