# Today I bought some books



## LFC (Jul 14, 2010)

Hold onto your Nuts 
No More Mr Nice Guy

has anyone had success changing there behavioural patterns with these books.

No more Mr Nice Guy recommends therapy which I did not expect.I can also see some of my traits described by the author

The Author also suggests letting your wife read it .


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am the wife, also the Reader. (He hates to read but will listen to anything I want to talk about) I bought both of these books out of sheer curisotity (never finished either but that is normal for me).

Our marriage has always been wonderful for the most part BUT because of his *Passivity *(combined with my religious hangups) -we did miss alot in our marraige- most especially sexually and his NOT being more communicatively vulnerable with me. 

We went through that list together (pages 7-9) , talked about it, out of 15 things he was guilty of 4 and we marked a 1/2 for another 4 so he was definitely too much of a NICE GUY -to his own detriment. He was carrying some silent resentment towards me -that he was so good at hiding, I had NO CLUE at all it was there. He took it out more on the kids, always wonderful to me. 

When I learned of these things, I reacted in 2 ways, I cried and I was ANGRY -because I am so Open, always have been , and he should have been able to bring anything to me. But he choose to 'hide" to "bury" his feelings. That was denying me too. 

Had he used those principles early in our marraige, most especially being more assertive, not being afraid to "tell me what for" (after all I AM the type of wife who ENJOYS some conflict & despises the silent treatment)- I just feel we could have had a much more fullfilling marriage- more affection, more sex, and better communication.

I grew to take him for granted -because of that passivity of his. He rarely challenged me. I have always challenged him but not with the stuff I should have been. 

I have no idea how YOU are as a man, but My husband has a phlegmatic temperment (did a thread on this) and being very calm and passive is accually a part of his make up. For him to suddenly transform into some confident Aggressive male who will put me in my place was very unlikely to happen . BUt he certainly could have tweaked some things and spoken up ! 

I needed to lower some of MY expectations on what that book said and give him room to be who he was even. 

I didn't know the book recommends therapy, never got that far into it. 

So what are the problems with your wife ??

I am curious of you & her temperments to see the dymanic in your relationship--as so often these nice guys marry the more aggressive female. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html 

Or was you a more aggressive man and marriege turned you into a nice guy?? That happens alot too. 

My husband has always been consistent, no changes from before marraige -or after. Just a laid back/ more quiet/ not on a ego trip/ hard working / unselfish man. 

We laughed really hard when we got to the part in the book that said this.....


> " It is not unusual for Nice Guys to form relationships with partners who they believe to be "projects" or "diamonds in the rough".


 Ha ha - that was ME totally when he met me. I was a "project" then & he amazingly had the patience for me -- luckily I turned out to be that diamond. But it took years.

What is your story. I have a big heart for the nice guys, hate when women take advantage, but since I did, I have an understanding of how that can happen too.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I can unequivocally answer your first question; yes.

As for therapy, you should make that decision based upon your own personal circumstances. If you are struggling to modify how you behave or interact, if you get anxious, can't imagine being assertive, or know that you have self-esteem issues, than yes ... you should seek out therapy. But not all 'Nice Guys' need therapy to address or implement those personal changes.

You also have the forum as a resource.

I am vehemently opposed to letting your wife or SO read the book ... while you are doing the work.

Once you have gotten out of weeds for yourself and your relationship, I think it's fine, but I truly believe that if your relationship is already struggling, offering up your efforts or the book as points of discussion is entirely counter-productive.

It isn't something you talk about. It's something you 'do'.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

I can so too that both of those books help me change my ways quite a bit. Especially the NMMNG book. I think Dr. Glover is a genius in being able to talk to men about their "issues"

I did therapy for a long time and I am in a men's group. Both help tremendously. 

I am not opposed to letting your wife read the book, as long as she is open and you are not in the middle of breaking up. I didn't let my wife read the books until we had gotten quite far along in our recovery of our almost divorce. Now she eats this stuff up.

I HIGHLY recommend the Athol Kay book Married Man Sex Life Primer. That has got to be one of the best books. Follow the MAP and can't go wrong.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

LFC said:


> Hold onto your Nuts
> No More Mr Nice Guy
> 
> has anyone had success changing there behavioural patterns with these books.
> ...


I would echo Deej's comments on this.

When you are in conflict and working to man-up, letting your wife read this - and subsequently berate you about it and question "what's real" - is akin to letting your date see you reading a pickup artist book.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

My therapist said letting my wife even see me reading this would bring about comments when she noticed behavioral change. Things like, "is that what the book told you to say?" It can make a woman feel manipulated until you guys get on solid footing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LFC (Jul 14, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am the wife, also the Reader. (He hates to read but will listen to anything I want to talk about) I bought both of these books out of sheer curisotity (never finished either but that is normal for me).
> 
> Our marriage has always been wonderful for the most part BUT because of his *Passivity *(combined with my religious hangups) -we did miss alot in our marraige- most especially sexually and his NOT being more communicatively vulnerable with me.
> 
> ...


I think it reccommends therapy early on in the book.
She is very insecure she grew up without a Father,LSE.
Testing comes mainly from insecurities and usually in the guise of jealousy



SimplyAmorous said:


> I am curious of you & her temperments to see the dymanic in your relationship--as so often these nice guys marry the more aggressive female. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html
> 
> Or was you a more aggressive man and marriege turned you into a nice guy?? That happens alot too.
> 
> ...


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## LFC (Jul 14, 2010)

Definitly a no to her reading the books.Until I get my act together


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