# Everybody knew??!



## Caz867 (Apr 29, 2014)

39 days since DDay...

I finally opened up to two people I know and trust. They knew. They knew??!!??? 

They didn't know without a shadow of a doubt. They didn't have proof. But they knew he was the _perfect candidate _to stray and they knew some things didn't add up. 

I was flabbergasted... Was I so blind??

Those two people and I have a very good, close relationship. Why didn't they say anything? 

Overall, it was a good convo though. I'm glad I opened up. It's as if the weight of the entire world has suddenly been lifted from my shoulders.

Hubby made tons of promises when I found out. Now he is sweeping those under the rug, arguing we're doing fine. What are the consequences for him? NONE. I'm hurt. I'm deeply hurt. He had everything here, at home, to make him happy. I mean everything.

Even for little things, he's telling me _half truths_. For trivial stuff! If he feels he has to 'hide' stuff or withhold from me when it has to do with stupid stuff around the house... I can only imagine the rest....!! _'I didn't feel you needed to know that' _is his reply. Can I be the judge of that please?

I've asked numerous time to sit down and talk. Really talk. There are questions I want to ask. There are things I want to know. I want him to tell me everything. No half truths. Of course, he is not keen. He keeps delaying that convo. He says stirring ***t won't help us. I've decided on a day we will have this conversation. I am not giving him a choice. 

My sister found out her husband had been cheating on her for a long while and her best friend knew. In fact, the best friend and her husband had gone out with my sister's husband and his lover on a few double dates. I just don't understand such behavior... 

Thanks everyone!

Caz


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband should be completely open and honest with you. If he isn't, you won't have a successful R.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Caz867 said:


> Even for little things, he's telling me _half truths_. For trivial stuff! If he feels he has to 'hide' stuff or withhold from me when it has to do with stupid stuff around the house... I can only imagine the rest....!! _'I didn't feel you needed to know that' _is his reply. Can I be the judge of that please?
> 
> I've asked numerous time to sit down and talk. Really talk. There are questions I want to ask. There are things I want to know. I want him to tell me everything. No half truths. Of course, he is not keen. He keeps delaying that convo. He says stirring ***t won't help us. *I've decided on a day we will have this conversation.* I am not giving him a choice.


This is EXACTLY what you do:

You go online and you print out the applicable divorce documents for your state. You fill them all out. You go to your sit down and you put them on the table in front of him for effect. 

You look him straight in the eyes with as serious a face as you can muster and you tell him, "I'm going to give you ONE chance to come 100% clean to me. I want EVERY SINGLE DETAIL (of whatever it is you want to know). If I find out after the fact you left out so much as one minor detail I will drive straight to the court house and I have you served. YOU DO NOT GET TO DICTATE ANYMORE what I need to know or not. I WILL DECIDE WHAT I WANT TO KNOW and your selfishness ends NOW... That's the deal and it's non-negotiable, if you still want to be in this marriage, and I'm as serious as a heart attack. Now TALK!"

And if he doesn't start spilling his guts then you call a lawyer, file and don't look back. Because if that doesn't work then frankly he's a lost cause and is just jerking you around. Unremorseful cheaters WILL cheat again. FACT.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My god, what does your sister advise you???? 

-sammy


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Yep, it is amazing what people will hold from someone that they claimed was a dear and close friend (possibly best friend). 

As for what is good for your relationship, he doesn't get to decide that. It is something that is mutually agreed upon as you are both in the relationship and both have a say in what is good, healthy, or otherwise for the relationship. He already made his choices regarding the relationship and look how that turned out.

I agree that it is frustrating, belittling, and demeaning to find out that the WS decides what they think you "need or have a right" to know and hiding things is nothing to them.

Sorry you rate going through this, just don't let him bully you into situations, agreements, and accept responsibility that you know is not yours or right.

Time for the WS to grow up and be the adult that they think they have been all along.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Many of us are blind. Your friends did not have proof and felt uncomfortable with talking to you about their suspicions. 

Lies. Where do I begin? My wife lied about little things and big things. It was maddening to say the least. The lies are what kept me asking her more and more questions and often times the same questions. I kept telling her "you are lying".

Finally in April 2013 my wife repented and came clean. I caught her in a very small lie a few weeks later that set me off, big time. She got it right away, that even a small lie is not acceptable and is a huge trigger.

Right now he is hiding stuff and you are in false R. Until and only until he stops with all his lies will you be able to start healing.

I would not go through this again as it is horrible.

Your husband is lying about big and small things because he has no respect for you.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Caz867 said:


> 39 days since DDay...
> 
> I finally opened up to two people I know and trust. They knew. They knew??!!???
> 
> ...


Until he can give you everything you need to recover from this....he needs to go. You are not going to have a true reconcilliation which includes him fixing the issues inside himself that led him to cheat. 

Unless those things get fixed, no changes will happen, including your pain.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> This is EXACTLY what you do:
> 
> You go online and you print out the applicable divorce documents for your state. You fill them all out. You go to your sit down and you put them on the table in front of him for effect.
> 
> ...


The tone of the original poster's message sounds like her husband doesn't take her seriously. Wrapped around his finger. Probably why the friends knew he may cheat.

He's going to have to hit right between the eyes and knocked off his feet if you are ever going to be able to have an equal role in the marriage. If he's gotten away with this for years, its going to be tough. You've got to out-resolve him, which may also be pretty tough. 

No hollow threats. No backing down. Tell him what you got to have, and accept nothing less.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Caz867 said:


> My sister found out her husband had been cheating on her for a long while and her best friend knew. In fact, the best friend and her husband had gone out with my sister's husband and his lover on a few double dates. I just don't understand such behavior...


Wow. That is so f*cked up. I'd drop that "friend" like a hot rock.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have him write you a timeline of the affair.

Sometimes, it is better to have him write it out.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

I can relate to your situation.

One of my best friends, that i worked with, ate lunch with, hung out with, EVERYDAY for years, knew that my ex-wife was cheating on me.

I didnt find out intill after D-day that he knew.

He said that he didnt tell me because he didnt want to get involved.

I was blown away and never saw him the same again.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Janky said:


> I can relate to your situation.
> 
> One of my best friends, that i worked with, ate lunch with, hung out with, EVERYDAY for years, knew that my ex-wife was cheating on me.
> 
> ...


Oftentimes someone will come to TAM wanting to know if they should tell an unsuspecting BS that they are being cheated on. The general consensus, I think, is yes, especially if friendship is involved. But for those who have doubts, this post says it all.

OP, your H will not engage with you as you desire until there are consequences if he doesn't. You have some suggestions as to what form these consequences might take. Whatever you decide, you have to draw a line in the sand and stick to it.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

if your H is not giving you the info you need to heal, R will be very hard.

R is already hard enough but if the W isn't willing to do everything possible to help the situation, it's damn near impossible.

sorry you are here and sorry your friends weren't honest with you about what they knew. that really bites.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Read elsewhere on TAM. Spouses may come and go, but friends are forever. 

Surprised these friends did not diplomatically say something. Possibly, they were not sure or at the time really did not put two and two together. Could have been after the fact that it was clear.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

my ex-wife had the gall to lie to her girlfriends, the "wife' half of couples we socialized with. The lie?

That I was the one cheating and she was coping with it the best way she could.

So i would get stink-eyed constantly by them when I didn't even know she was cheating.

Years later I made her call up the leader of that gaggle of women and confess that it was her cheating, not me.

It didn't fix things, they just figured I was emotionally abusive to her and "made" her say that as a cover.

I've written off the whole bunch, but it did hurt to find out I was slurred by my wife and they were so willing to believe her.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Q tip said:


> Read elsewhere on TAM. Spouses may come and go, but friends are forever.
> 
> Surprised these friends did not diplomatically say something. Possibly, they were not sure or at the time really did not put two and two together. Could have been after the fact that it was clear.


Both of your statements are not a given or truth by any stretch of the imagination. Most of my WW's friends knew and didn't say anything to her, me, or anyone else except among themselves (the few close circle of friends that is). They are all now gone, and I know lots of people that their friends bailed on them whether they were the BS or WS made no matter, as people feel that they are judged by the company they keep (and this can be true for the most part).

It could be that they just weren't that good of friend and didn't feel that it was their part to say anything so they kept their mouth shut. Some people would just rather sit back and remain uninvolved as they can then state that they didn't take sides or pass judgment.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

michzz said:


> my ex-wife had the gall to lie to her girlfriends, the "wife' half of couples we socialized with. The lie?
> 
> That I was the one cheating and she was coping with it the best way she could.
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I have been there and experienced this. Then been told that I was just bullying and controlling her into saying and doing what she did. No matter what, after the years of persecution she dealt me, I was never able to hold my head high around those people for they all had a notion about me that was a complete sham and lie. Even when she dumped all over them, their families, and the friendships it was all turned around and blamed on me as I had jilted and pushed her to these things through the years of (abuse, control, whatever) and turned her into a toxic person just like me. They never made an attempt to really get to know me, just villianized me from the get go thanks to all of her " kind" words.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Q tip said:


> Read elsewhere on TAM. Spouses may come and go, but friends are forever.


"<Insert expletive>," If she reads "elsewhere on TAM," she'll quickly learn "friends" are just like spouses and aren't "forever."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Caz867 said:


> 39 days since DDay...
> 
> I finally opened up to two people I know and trust. They knew. They knew??!!???
> 
> ...


Well, whilst it might not help him, it would certainly help *you*.

And at the moment, you are the important one in your relationship.

He needs to man up. And that's not advice I often give.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Caz867 said:


> 39 days since DDay...
> 
> I finally opened up to two people I know and trust. They knew. They knew??!!???
> 
> ...


This one is easy. 99% of the time a person will take the side of their spouse unless the friend has rock solid proof. Without it you become the jealous POS friend who is trying to ruin their perfect marriage and then are jettisoned. Even sometimes when you have rock solid proof (short of video taped sex), the WS will lie their way out and then you become enemy #1.

Now if you had approached said friends and asked, I think something is wrong here... you would have opened that door up for them to communicate their feelings.


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## SADDesign (Mar 25, 2014)

Janky said:


> I can relate to your situation.
> 
> One of my best friends, that i worked with, ate lunch with, hung out with, EVERYDAY for years, knew that my ex-wife was cheating on me.
> 
> ...


Janky -- How about, "I was blown away and NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN." Period. What an a$$.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Caz,

By being strong you will actually become more attractive to your husband. R that requires no effort or pain on his part is too cheap.

If he fails to live up to the demands that the situation of his making has created, then he will fail you and himself.

You are trying R but having doubts. This must affect your sex life. Ask him if he is happy being intimate with you. If he is honest, he must now think it sucks. Hey, you'll be far more likely to open up to him sexually if you're emotionally in a good place.

If you have sex with him, he may figure everything is all right. But ain't that a lie. 

Trickle truth will kill your libido. Tell him that your need to know is big because you are not okay with another woman having secrets nicknames for his penis. All the shxt has to dragged out in the open where you can pour kerosene on it and toss in a lit match.


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