# Making friends online



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I've been married for 13 years. We're both 35. Recently I started playing a scrabble game on my cellphone that has a chat feature. Most of the time I just give friendly hello's or "well played". Just light conversation. Sometimes though the other player or myself (to be fair) will prod a little farther if someone says something interesting and the conversation might get a little deeper. I will say that I always let people know up front I'm married with three kids. There are some players out there looking for more than just chat and that tends to shut those guys up. But I've had 3 now that I've convinced my wife to let me friend on facebook because we just clicked during our conversations. I'm a social person and like meeting new people. People say I've never met a stranger. Anyways, with one person at least I'd like to just speak to her on the phone because she has a lot of stuff to talk about that is interesting to me and I'm getting tired of texting entire conversations. My wife always friends the people that I've friended just to "check them out" so to speak and to be able to see what is being posted. There is no underlying motive to leave my relationship for someone else and move away. I just like talking to new people for nothing more than having fresh conversations. Because of our small town and the lack of activities to take part in my wife and I end up sitting in the living room each night, 10 feet apart, and listening to the tv while we're playing games on our phones or chatting on facebook. I would think that if I had the conversations with my wife present, say on speakerphone, and she's able to listen in that she would get comfortable with my intentions to just be friends with someone and not have the fear that I'm going to try and sweet talk my way into some strangers life. But, I'm a guy and the friend is a girl so there's always, no matter what, always an eyebrow raised when you say you want to be just friends with them. What do you guys think?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My eyebrow is raised...


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I think of it this way. I grew up in a small school. Think really small like a an entire graduating class of 23 people. I had plenty of opportunities to be more than friends with the girls in my class but I never did. We just all became like sisters and brothers. You talk to each other about everything but never is there even a thought of anything more than talking. That's the kind of connection I feel with this new friend.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I think this is an extremely slippery slope and you shouldn't go there and no way in hell your wife should be ok with it. Further I think you and your wife need to sit in the living room, on the same end of the same sofa, leave the damn phones and computers in another room, turn the TV off, and be together - even if it feels like there's nothing to say - just be together. 

Just FYI my wife and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary a little less than three months before the beginning of my EA which started on facebook. I was 38 at the time. You're in the danger zone.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

it's tough to explain but seriously, we've heard every single story the other person has to tell. we can finish each others sentences. we can sit for hours without saying a word and no one feels uncomfortable. This is my wife I'm talking about. I just want new people to talk to. There's no way I'm walking out on 13 years over someone on the other side of the continent.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I hear you but I thought I was the most happily married man in the world the day before my affair partner said "Hi." My wife and I were the same way, we're married 13 but have been together 21. There's nothing wrong with friends, friends of the opposite sex are just exponentially more problematic. Be careful that "just wanting new people to talk to" isn't really trying to get a need of yours met that for whatever reason isn't currently getting met in your marriage. This is what happened to my wife and I and we didn't even realize it until we got the wake up call of my having an EA. Fortunately we managed to survive it and have reconnected even better than we were 13 years ago but I wouldn't recommend it as a way to work on your marriage. 

For what it's worth had someone had this conversation with me before my EA and having to deal with it I would never have believed them that I had unfulfilled needs and that my marriage was anything less than perfect. In a good relationship it's very hard to see. Before I started building such strong relationships with other women, I'd spend sometime soul searching and maybe even attending some marriage counseling just to be sure. I'm sure that sounds like overkill or just silly but infidelity is a tough teacher, a little preventive maintenance can't hurt.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Most of my best friends were met online through a mommy chat board. I love them  I have visited them and they me. 

I have one male friend that I met 8 years ago online...it never went anywhere other than awesome conversation. he and my husband get on fine.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

that_girl said:


> Most of my best friends were met online through a mommy chat board. I love them  I have visited them and they me.
> 
> I have one male friend that I met 8 years ago online...it never went anywhere other than awesome conversation. he and my husband get on fine.


See, I think as long as there is trust then it shouldn't be a problem. If I start hiding the conversations or something from her then of course she's got every right to check phone bills, emails etc. She's got all my passwords and stuff so there's no where to hide.  In the past I had a friend that became our friend and I'd trust her to go to lunch with him and even the movies twice. I'm not the jealous type unless I see a reason for it and she's never given me a reason nor I her. She knows we chat through the game on my phone and now on facebook so I don't see what would be wrong with a phone call now and then.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

one_strange_otter said:


> See, I think as long as there is trust then it shouldn't be a problem. If I start hiding the conversations or something from her then of course she's got every right to check phone bills, emails etc. She's got all my passwords and stuff so there's no where to hide.  In the past I had a friend that became our friend and I'd trust her to go to lunch with him and even the movies twice. I'm not the jealous type unless I see a reason for it and she's never given me a reason nor I her. She knows we chat through the game on my phone and now on facebook so I don't see what would be wrong with a phone call now and then.


What does your wife think? If she's OK - and you behave - that's all that matters.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

As long as it's completely transparent and you practice radical honesty when it comes to communication with friends of the opposite sex then it may well work out fine. Just be very very aware of that very first thing said that you're uncomfortable with your wife knowing about. At that very instant, if it comes, the dynamic will have changed and one or two more steps down that slope and you'll be gone. 

Like I said, it's just exponentially more problematic but not impossible.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I haven't asked my wife just yet. I only posted here to get some advice before jumping into it. What's funny is I seem to be a magnet for young single women on that game. They all think my 13 year marriage is awesome and want to know all about how I make it work, etc. Then they always have some issues in their personal life they want a man's opinion on, stuff like that. I'd say I end up doing more "counseling" than chatting in most cases.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Man o man does that give me the ibejeebies. Just be careful - please, and if your wife even hesitates leave it alone.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

yes, definitely have to respect each others wishes. In my heart I know it's just a friendship so I have nothing personally to be ashamed of.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Dude... I gotta say - your wife needs to be in on every one of those phone calls. Young single women needing advice on personal, relationship problems is one very quick way it starts.

There was a girl who I was leery of and that's how it started... "he's so mean", "we had a fight", then "I need your help", "rescue me"... before long, she was trying to dig her claws into him because he was "one of the few good ones"... 

When I saw where she was headed, I put a stop to him "rescuing" her. He didn't see a thing wrong with it and still says I'm crazy for thinking she had an eye for him, but I'm not blind. She flirted like crazy, was very complimentary of him, became insulting of me and would ignore me when I was present. 

Be afraid of young single women with relationship troubles.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Does it matter at all that these young women live 2000 miles away from them and I will probably never see them in person in my lifetime? Not to knock everyone's advice but most of it comes from their husband or wife having a friend that is in person. Someone from the gym, or a class or something. There's no way possible to be physical with these people that I meet. One girl was even in Sweden!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The woman I had an affair with was an old flame from high school so that's different, but I hadn't seen her in 22 years when she said hello and to this day I still have not laid eyes on her since high school. Facebook, text, email, skype and the like make it extremely easy to have an affair that is everything but physical sex - like mine. I promise it's very very easy. Someone here even coined it a virtual physical affair. 

I was thinking about this last night and had an idea. If you want to see just how precarious this is either you under a different screen name or preferably your wife go to the infidelity room and post this. "Hi, I'm new here and wanted to get an objective opinion on something my husband has asked me. We've been married happily for 13 years and have a really good marriage. My H is a happy extroverted guy and meets people easily. Lately he's gotten into playing online games and he's made some friends on those sites, and even become friends on facebook with some of them. He always tells me who they are and I've even friended some of them myself. Recently he and a woman friend he's made have been communicating a lot and he has asked me if they could speak on the phone. He says he loves me and is truly happy in our marriage and I believe him, but that after 13 years we just know each other and our stories so well that he wants someone to have "fresh conversations" with. He has said I can listen in on any phone call, even offering to call her on speaker phone so I can participate. 

What does everyone think? Should I let him? Do I have anything to worry about?"

Then sit back and see what responses you get. I'll bet a dollar that what you get will really open your eyes as to where this goes more often than not. It would at least give some perspective of how it looks from the other side. 

I don't mean to imply that your intentions are anything less than honorable but the best of intentions can fall by the wayside given the right circumstance. There's a saying, "locks are for honest people." Meaning that people with good intentions need to be aware of not putting themselves into situations where they may disappoint themselves.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> Does it matter at all that these young women live 2000 miles away from them and I will probably never see them in person in my lifetime? Not to knock everyone's advice but most of it comes from their husband or wife having a friend that is in person. Someone from the gym, or a class or something. There's no way possible to be physical with these people that I meet. One girl was even in Sweden!


EA's happen online and over the phone and can go on for years. Why? Because it's an *emotional *attachement. You don't have to physically be near them, or see them in person. This is why 1-900 got popular back in the day... you didn't have to physically be there with the person to feel connected to them in any way. Just talking on the phone was enough. Sometimes it makes people bolder in their conversations because it's harder to say things that may cross a line face to face. Chat rooms are full of people who seek out emotional affairs because they really believe it's a 'safe' way to get their needs met.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> I haven't asked my wife just yet. I only posted here to get some advice before jumping into it.


If there is absolutely nothing to this whatsoever, why not just ask your wife upfront rather than a bunch of strangers in cyberspace? You have nothing to hide from her, and JMO, I would respect my spouse's opinion over a total stranger's, particularly when the situation could possibly affect my spouse.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Prodigal said:


> If there is absolutely nothing to this whatsoever, why not just ask your wife upfront rather than a bunch of strangers in cyberspace? You have nothing to hide from her, and JMO, I would respect my spouse's opinion over a total stranger's, particularly when the situation could possibly affect my spouse.


The only reason I asked you guys first was for a reality check. To kind of sit back and listen to what every one else has gone through both positive and negative. I guess I'm worried that she might over react to the request and ask me to cut off communication with them all together. At least for now I can speak to them. There have been 3 so far that were 'elevated' from game to facebook. Wifey has tolerated all 3 and is so far comfortable with knowing that I chat with them fairly often in game and on facebook. But she is kind of spacey sometimes so I might need to just remind her that I'm even chatting with them before jumping into asking to exchange numbers. :rofl:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> The only reason I asked you guys first was for a reality check. To kind of sit back and listen to what every one else has gone through both positive and negative. I guess I'm worried that she might over react to the request and ask me to cut off communication with them all together. At least for now I can speak to them. There have been 3 so far that were 'elevated' from game to facebook. Wifey has tolerated all 3 and is so far comfortable with knowing that I chat with them fairly often in game and on facebook. But she is kind of spacey sometimes so I might need to just remind her that I'm even chatting with them before jumping into *asking to exchange numbers*. :rofl:



I'm wondering why facebook and the game aren't enough?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm wondering why facebook and the game aren't enough?


Because I don't like spending an hour texting something that would take 5 minutes on the phone. lol


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> Because I don't like spending an hour texting something that would take 5 minutes on the phone. lol


And you think your conversations would only last 5 minutes on the phone???  

These women already have your phone number if you text them. All you're seeking (from what I can tell) is permission to actually _speak _to them, and I think that should come from your wife. If you were my husband I would look at you sideways over the request. You want to talk over the phone with women you never intend to meet face to face (so you profess). WTF is the point then? The lines of communication you currently have are restrictive to you? I imagine after several phone conversations, that will feel restrictive as well.

You're fishing in a pond for stuff you aren't prepared to catch buddy.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

one_strange_otter said:


> I haven't asked my wife just yet. I only posted here to get some advice before jumping into it. What's funny is I seem to be a magnet for young single women on that game. They all think my 13 year marriage is awesome and want to know all about how I make it work, etc. Then they always have some issues in their personal life they want a man's opinion on, stuff like that. I'd say I end up doing more "counseling" than chatting in most cases.


The woman who tried to weasel her way into my spot started with the same dumb lines. My husband thought the ***** was "nice." She wanted to know how we raise the children, what he loves so much about me, how I cook his favorite meal, etc. Insecure women like to find men in happy marriages and tear them apart to prove they're as worthy as the wife. You're underestimating how fast EAs can start and how manipulative women can be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I don't mean text on my phone. no numbers have already been exchanged. Just messages in the chat on the game and in the chat on facebook (which is already done with my wife sitting behind me in the recliner)


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I stand by my comments. You're wanting to tread on thin ice sir. 

Ask your wife how she would feel about you giving these women your number and come back and give us an update.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Insecure women like to find men in happy marriages and tear them apart to prove they're as worthy as the wife. You're underestimating how fast EAs can start and how manipulative women can be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


AMEN!!!

Just for the benefit of the OP mine went from "HI" to full blown EA in just under two weeks. 

There's a reason it's a bad idea to play with fire... That sh!t hurts when you get burned. This is exactly like playing with fire but maybe more dangerous.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

one_strange_otter said:


> I guess I'm worried that she might over react to the request and ask me to cut off communication with them all together. At least for now I can speak to them.


Unbelievable. You've just admitted the reason you haven't told your W is because you want to keep these other women around. You are more worried about losing your relationship with "just friends" than being truthful with your wife. You've already taken it too far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You MUST know what you are wanting to do is not appropriate. Otherwise you wouldn't want to run it by a bunch of cyberstrangers before you approach your wife.

Do not go there, dude.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Unbelievable. You've just admitted the reason you haven't told your W is because you want to keep these other women around. You are more worried about losing your relationship with "just friends" than being truthful with your wife. You've already taken it too far.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah - I had that thought to. He's already got an attachment to one or more of them. Slippery slope here...


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

It's just as difficult to read emotions into a chat message as it is to explain to strangers like yourselves what my intentions are. In truth, only I know where my boundaries are and whether or not I can stand by them. Of course, you'd all have to meet me in person or talk to me on the phone to find that out though.  I can see everyone's point though. You read that there's a man, wanting to talk to a woman, who's not his wife and you take it from there. If you've been burned by it then of course you'll tell someone else not to do it. It's really easy to read into something what you want to believe versus what the truth is. 

And this is not directed at any one person, i'm not trying to flame anyone.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

We're just trying to make sure you recognize it for what it is - you did ask.  It is playing with fire and no one playing with fire ever believes they're going to get burned. I don't question your intentions or anything else for that matter really, like you said, only you know - just be sure you're being totally honest with yourself. And of course your wife. 

I have been burned by it and I'd have bet everything I have that I'd have never fallen to it - not in a million years - but I did.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't trust women! Any woman who hangs around (chats, texts, emails) married men are just trying to start shet.

Women are evil that way. I should know, I used to be one. :lol: Not with married men, but with 'taken' men....back in the day...looong time ago. My girlfriends too. I am not proud. I was just young and stupid (early 20s) Sad thing is, we never wanted anything with the person-- they were taken.  We just wanted to prove that we COULD do it.

Don't stir the pot, mister. No no no...Put this energy into your wife and make male friends online.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> I haven't asked my wife just yet. I only posted here to get some advice before jumping into it. What's funny is I seem to be a magnet for young single women on that game. They all think my 13 year marriage is awesome and want to know all about how I make it work, etc. Then they always have some issues in their personal life they want a man's opinion on, stuff like that. I'd say I end up doing more "counseling" than chatting in most cases.


Oooh the best kind of man!! Taken and still happily married.
If I was 21 again, I could ruin your marriage in less than a month. Not because I wanted you, but because I just wanted to see if I could. And I could.

Seriously, don't do itttt :thumbup:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> Does it matter at all that these young women live 2000 miles away from them and I will probably never see them in person in my lifetime? Not to knock everyone's advice but most of it comes from their husband or wife having a friend that is in person. Someone from the gym, or a class or something. There's no way possible to be physical with these people that I meet. One girl was even in Sweden!


I've been following this thread...it seems to me that you are seeking approval from your fellow posters, and making excuses for yourself to contact these women.

Most posters are telling you to beware, yet you continually justify the need (want?) to venture further with these online friendships.

It doesn't matter if there isn't a possiblity of being physical...EA's are just as bad, sometimes worse. This is what you need to understand.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I don't trust women! Any woman who hangs around (chats, texts, emails) married men are just trying to start shet.
> 
> *Women are evil that way. I should know, I used to be one.* :lol: Not with married men, but with 'taken' men....back in the day...looong time ago. My girlfriends too. I am not proud. I was just young and stupid (early 20s) Sad thing is, we never wanted anything with the person-- they were taken.  We just wanted to prove that we COULD do it.
> 
> Don't stir the pot, mister. No no no...Put this energy into your wife and make male friends online.


Same here...I believe that this is one of the root causes of the issues I currently have. I have immense difficulty with trust...and it isn't that my H behaves inappropriately. It's because I remember the way I used to behave and I know what women can be like, especially young ones, with something to prove. When I think of some of the things I did...well, let's just say I'm not proud!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> If you've been burned by it then of course you'll tell someone else not to do it. It's really easy to read into something what you want to believe versus what the truth is.
> 
> And this is not directed at any one person, i'm not trying to flame anyone.


I never had this situation occur in my marriage. I'm not reading a thing into what you have written. I'm just reading it for what it is. 

And what it is, is this: I fear the gentleman doth protest too much.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> It's just as difficult to read emotions into a chat message as it is to explain to strangers like yourselves what my intentions are. In truth, only I know where my boundaries are and whether or not I can stand by them. Of course, you'd all have to meet me in person or talk to me on the phone to find that out though.  I can see everyone's point though. You read that there's a man, wanting to talk to a woman, who's not his wife and you take it from there. If you've been burned by it then of course you'll tell someone else not to do it. It's really easy to read into something what you want to believe versus what the truth is.
> 
> And this is not directed at any one person, i'm not trying to flame anyone.



The more you insist on going forward with this, the more shady you seem. This isn't something that has happened in my marriage, and my husband is a VERY friendly outgoing person. He has female friends, he has a facebook page, but he's not online all the time. He has plenty of other things to do in real time to bother. He doesn't spend hours on the phone talking to these friends either. Seeking the connection of others isn't as important to him as spending time with and talking to me, his wife.

You sound bored. Bored of your life with your wife and I dare say, bored with your wife too. That's up to you to fix, and whatever you're doing should include her, not have her looking over your shoulder reading your deep chats with women half way across the country. Now you want to subject her to listening to your phone conversations too. 

Sounds like a blast.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> You sound bored. Bored of your life with your wife and I dare say, bored with your wife too. That's up to you to fix, and whatever you're doing should include her, not have her looking over your shoulder reading your deep chats with women half way across the country. Now you want to subject her to listening to your phone conversations too.
> 
> Sounds like a blast.


:iagree: lol...why not have those conversations with your wife?

Well, do what you will....and we'll see you back in a month or so because your wife has had enough and is kickin' you out. lol I kid, but not really.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Ask your wife. If she's OK with it, doesn't matter what we say.

If she's not OK with it - well - we've given you the reality check you claimed to want.

Good luck!


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## ZeroCool (Sep 23, 2011)

Unplug, dude.

Seriously. I work in Social Media and even before this, developing and maintaining large community message boards. Over the years, I have seen way too many folks spend inordinate amounts of time online, and it can and does start to distort perceptions. I think that's where the caution flag comes in. You may find yourself in a place and wondering how the heck you got there.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

How would it go over with you if your wife came to you wanting to talk to men? As a man, I can say I would go all "Isreali Commando" on that situation if my wife came to me with such a request. I would like to think that she would do the same.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

It looks an awful lot to me like you're trying to talk yourself into being OK with this. I've seen this story more than I care to among a lot of my friends. Even when you start out with pure intentions, things like this can go awry very quickly. If you want to preserve your marriage, don't see how close to the line you can live without going over it. Determine where your line is and live about 10 steps back from that line. 

In my life, that means not being emotionally vulnerable with a member of the opposite sex (or allowing them to be emotionally vulnerable with me) when in a one-on-one setting. And by one-on-one, I mean sharing information in a setting that guarantees privacy (including chat or phone calls). If you really want to help this person, direct them to come here. Then you can give advice, but others here can keep an eye on what's going on. 

You don't realize it yet, but you really are playing with fire.


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