# Guilty for years!!



## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

This is a journey of my life. Just to clear it, The incident started 28 years ago in my country now i am in USA since 3 years. Life worsened with my H and I am out of my marriage since 4 months and filed for divorce 3 months ago
This is the link to my other thread for background information if needed
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ion/12611-28-years-marriage-what-ca-i-do.html

How would have been my marriage if this incident didn't happen ???
For years i held the blame and the mistreatment from my H
For years i felt guilty
For years i tried to walk in my H's shoes and to justify all his actions......
and this incident is the most important reason that made me stay in unhealthy,verbally and emotionally abusive marriage for 28 years.

I was 18 years old and newly married. We were hosting my father in law for couple days. My H use to work the night shift. We had only one bedroom so my father in law was sleeping in the same room with me. I woke up at night when he was touching me and trying to get to my private parts. I FROZE only my mind was working . I was Shocked. Crying in silence. Calling God to help me to make him stop and not go farther. But DAMN i couldn't say anything I couldn't say NO STOP!!!!
The next day i was begging him to not do that again i told him i don't know how to say no i don't want what happened but i don't have strong personality to stop what you did, please don't do that again i am your son's wife you are LIKE MY FATHER. He promised to not do it again and hugged me and i believed him and forgave him. hehh!!!
The second night he did it again and also I COULDNT SAY NO

Most my values were violated my all well being crashed down my self respect, the respect of others (the father image), my privacy,my commitment to my marriage, my inner peace, my security......

I did NOTHING he left the other day and after a while our circumstances changed and we had to go live in his house. I was scared to tell my H and i thought maybe he regretted what happen and won't try again
But he was sexually harassing me so i found the strength to tell my H and it was the disaster.... My H had the shock of his life and this affected all our marriage for years because his dad was the reason of all his problems and he turned from idealizing me to switch me black evil...

We had to live with my Father in law for 10 years because of financial problems and with the passing years he kept sexually harassing me every once in a while i was lying to my H scared to tell him the truth to not make him suffer i was suffering alone because we can't go nowhere else but i was stopping him not to protect my boundaries that i don't know how to protect but to protect my H's well being so i don't have to tell him one more time and hurt him like i did before.
But the way i was stopping my father in law was weak because i don't want him to get upset with me and i was trying to find excuses to his behavior. In other meaning i was using the lock to my front door but keeping the back gate open then running to close it when he tries to use it.
It is true he wasn't getting anything but i was exhausted from running back and forth to keep my doors closed 

The priority in my mind was the well being of the others

I hated myself and my weakness i felt guilty i lost more my self confidence and security i lost my self respect and my H's trust to be able to stand up for myself and i lost my peace of mind i felt ugly i felt angry and hurt and suffering like a prisoner my life was hell...

Later I was handling the harassment and my H mistreatment and life unfairness because we don't have the finances to move away from my FIL... We stayed 10 years in his house.....


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## RJHT (Nov 18, 2010)

You really need out of this situation...go tell someone and find a place with friends. You should have put an end to this years ago, or at least your husband should have at the first mention of what happened. Finances are not a reason for living with this abuse. There are too many agencies out there that can help abused women and scared women call one or at least call the cops they can get you the help you so desperatly need!


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Thank you RJHT
Sorry if i didn't clear this point in fact i have another thread about my marriage but i wanted to open this one for the importance of the subject in my life
I am out of this situation 12 years ago and also out of my marriage 4 months ago and i filed for divorce 3 months ago. 
The reason i am posting this is ME and the feeling of guilt that i lived with for years i still have this feeling that i was some how a reason of the change that happened to my H

I wrote this story to get some analyse discussion and input to it and to take it out of my mind

I appreciate all kind of opinions


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Pandakiss said:


> i am so sorry that you have to go through this. it is heartbreaking. i dont have much in the way of advise, i just wanted to tell you, yu will be in my thoughts and prayers.
> 
> i dont know why your h isnt supportive, sometimes men want to fix whats broken, he cant. he is your better half, and you hid it so well from him, that now he has to deal with every emotion all at once. he couldnt protect you from the most violent acts.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, honey, I am SO sorry you had to endure that! It's abominable how women are treated and how, in some cultures, it's even worse. There was a story on NPR last week about a girl in the Middle East who was raped, and she was brave and told everyone but they can't get proof; as a result, her own father is saying he may have to slit her throat for how SHE has embarrassed the family. It just disgusts me.

Know now that you have done the ONE right thing for you. The only thing you could have done at this point in your life.

I would ask you to, if you ever have dealings with your husband again, I would ask you to get closure on this by telling him how horribly his father's betrayal AND HIS REFUSAL to protect you on it. He needs to hear that this is a BIG part of your disappointment in him, and he needs to know that HE could have done something for YOU, and he didn't. He needs to own that for the rest of his life, just as you will have to livve with the horrible memories and feelings.

{{{LVS}}}


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

LVS, I am so sorry you had to suffer so. I agree with Turnera that it was your H's failing that he would not stand up for you and protect you. I agree that he should be held accountable for what he allowed to happen to you -- as though he was prostituting you in exchange for his father's willingness to provide a roof over his head. 

If you haven't told your brother, I sure would tell him and see if he dare advise you to return to a family so dysfunctional and sick that the father and son used you -- one for kicks and the other in exchange for free rent. If your brother still wants you to return to that sick family I would tell him he must not love you as a sister. What you endured at the hands of those two men -- one of whom must have strong BPD traits and the other of whom may be a sociopath -- is simply appalling.

Further, I suggest your discussing with your therapist whether your D28 should know about this. It makes me sick to think of her trying to pressure you to return to her father because she has no idea how low he stooped as a husband -- turning that sociopath loose on you and then having the gall to blame you. Finally, I suggest that you provide a link to your first thread so that interested readers can easily see background information that is not repeated here.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Thank you Pandakiss and michzz for your support



Pandakiss said:


> ...i dont know why your h isnt supportive, sometimes men want to fix whats broken, he cant. he is your better half, and you hid it so well from him, that now he has to deal with every emotion all at once. he couldnt protect you from the most violent acts.


In fact i told my H about the first incident when we were hosting his father. I hid later when we moved to his house. It was easier for me to not tell him because of the way he dealt with the situation the first time.
Yes now i think he should have being dealt in different way he kept things inside him he didn't face his father until after a while 



Pandakiss said:


> he is mad at the world himself, his dad, and in a twisted way you of which he gets mad at himself all over again. he is trying to process all this information. like supercomputer, acept he isnt one and his speed in slow, and its all at once all over.


Yes as you said Pandakiss you described him like if you were there that's how he was it was hard for him to process any information he cried like a little child he hated his father more and hated himself because he couldn't protect me he didn't blame me or hate me because i was innocent but deep inside him he hated my weakness. Through the passing years with the way he was treating me he showed me how much hate he is holding inside him in many and different ways


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> Oh, honey, I am SO sorry you had to endure that! It's abominable how women are treated and how, in some cultures, it's even worse. There was a story on NPR last week about a girl in the Middle East who was raped, and she was brave and told everyone but they can't get proof; as a result, her own father is saying he may have to slit her throat for how SHE has embarrassed the family. It just disgusts me.



Yes i have heard many stories like this one but they are not were i use to live though we have this shame thing but not the killing things
but we have society rejection if something happened to a girl even if she was raped it is a shame to the whole family and her parents can't walk head high in front of the others and her chance to get married is very low she may lose all her friends too well i guess death is better lol but now things are changing 



turnera said:


> I would ask you to, if you ever have dealings with your husband again, I would ask you to get closure on this by telling him how horribly his father's betrayal AND HIS REFUSAL to protect you on it. He needs to hear that this is a BIG part of your disappointment in him, and he needs to know that HE could have done something for YOU, and he didn't. He needs to own that for the rest of his life, just as you will have to livve with the horrible memories and feelings.
> 
> {{{LVS}}}


turnera you put your thumb on my wound hmmmmm
Do you think a BPDer will understand that???

The reason i said so is because in the meeting he made with me and our 3 kids ( i am glad i have it recorded)
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid.../12611-28-years-marriage-what-ca-i-do-10.html
He confessed how much he mistreated me instead of mistreating his father
But all what he said then was to show the good side to make me change my mind of leaving him
and when everything he did failed he showed back his ugly face and before i left he kept saying i should have divorced you long time ago after a year of our marriage ...
What i meant to say turnera HE KNOWS i told him how much i held from his father and how much i was scared to tell him to not hurt him but when i told him his question was *did he get anything* and when i said no he was relieved and with his sick mind he didn't care this much for how i felt 

Even my FIL many times threatened if i don't do what he wants he will f*** my mother and one time he threatened to kill himself I was strong and didn't show him that i am afraid of him but he made me for a big while scared i couldn't tell my mom about what happened but i warned her to be careful with him


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, here's my honesty. You are in a society that puts men first and women secondary. Even throwaway. You've lived in America long enough to realize that women do NOT have to be treated this way. You want MORE. As you SHOULD.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Uptown said:


> LVS, I am so sorry you had to suffer so. I agree with Turnera that it was your H's failing that he would not stand up for you and protect you. I agree that he should be held accountable for what he allowed to happen to you -- as though he was prostituting you in exchange for his father's willingness to provide a roof over his head.


Before we went to live in his father's house he asked me if his father ever tried to touch me again i lied and said no i was hopping that he changed but also i knew i am going to live a very hard life 
He didn't prostitute me in exchange we had war in my country and the economic was tight that's why he decided to sell our house and go live with his parents like that we have enough money to live together because we and his parents were all living from the income of a small grocery store
And his father was addicted to alcohol the chances for me to be alone with him was rare and even then he wasn't getting anything from me but he kept trying while drunk i had to deal with this nastiness for years 



Uptown said:


> If you haven't told your brother, I sure would tell him and see if he dare advise you to return to a family so dysfunctional and sick that the father and son used you -- one for kicks and the other in exchange for free rent. If your brother still wants you to return to that sick family I would tell him he must not love you as a sister. What you endured at the hands of those two men -- one of whom must have strong BPD traits and the other of whom may be a sociopath -- is simply appalling.


In fact the reason i told my brother was because my H was saying stupid things to him and to my parents about me it was really hard and embarrassing to talk with my brother about that but i did before i moved out but i don't know how much he think i am guilty for allowing this to happen to me



Uptown said:


> Further, I suggest your discussing with your therapist whether your D28 should know about this. It makes me sick to think of her trying to pressure you to return to her father because she has no idea how low he stooped as a husband -- turning that sociopath loose on you and then having the gall to blame you. Finally, I suggest that you provide a link to your first thread so that interested readers can easily see background information that is not repeated here.


I edited the first post and added the link thank you Uptown to remind me of that
About my D23, it will come time i will tell not only my D but also all my kids about the therapist opinion and also about what my FIL did to me


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> i don't know how much he think i am guilty for allowing this to happen to me


You are not guilty for "allowing it to happen." You were given a choice between two evils (tolerating the father-son conspiracy against you and going it alone without any resources to support you). You chose what you considered to be the lesser of those two evils. Of course, your B knows that. I therefore am appalled that he advised you -- after hearing that revelation -- to remain with your bullying H and his sociopath father. Clearly, the person taking the high road here is NOT your B. He owes you a big apology and should seek your forgiveness, IMO.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Wow Thank you Uptown and thank you all of you my friends i never saw it the way you are seeing it
When i wrote this thread i was expecting someone to blame me for something, for anything. I also was expecting someone to defend my H. hmmmmm
I can see how much of low self esteem i was living. The pain i am feeling now is more deep because all the memories are flashing back i remembered when my father in law was saying rumors about me to my mother in law to pressure me to be with him and i wasn't. He hurt me a lot and i had to keep my mask and smiling at him when anyone is around 

I lived a lot of suffering from my H family, And i had to deal with his dad and his sister who was living with us and whom i don't know if she is BD or BPD (now after 12 years of moving out from their house she is regretting all what she did to me) and his uncle who tried to abuse my oldest son sexually when he was 4 years old.  

When things was about me i was forgiving and forgetting and letting go BUT when my H's uncle tried to hurt my child I was like the tiger ready to attack i kicked him outside the house and didn't allow him to talk to my kids after that.
But also i didn't tell anybody even my H till now he doesn't know i didn't want to hurt him also it was easier for me to handle all the pain than handle my H's reaction if he knew and live more in hell

The last thing that happened from one member of my dear H's family was last year. His other sister's husband raped me more than one time i told a friend and this friend told me to call the police but i was scared i didn't want to brake down my h's family. 
I told a priest and the priest warned him that if he hurt me again he is going to report it to the police
A month later he tried to rape me again i fought him and scratched him and ran and locked my door. 
This time the priest was going to report the incident but i said no i am going to tell my brother in law so i did
My BIL talked to him and warned him that he is going to get the police for him after my BIL knew about what he did he never approached me again...

I held all the pain and didn't tell my H who was me more emotionally and verbally abusing me too. 
And even after all what he did to me before i moved out and after the lies that he said about me after i still didn't want to tell him or hurt him....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Once you've been out on your own for awhile, you will start to regain that strength, and you'll start to see the truth, that you've been manipulated and brainwashed, because of your good nature. Being away from the abuse, you will start to learn how to be proud and sure of yourself. NONE of what happened to you is your fault.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I am so sorry. You were older but I wanted to say that I have been in your shoes. I KNOW that sometimes sex abuse can steal your voice. When it is someone that should be protecting you and caring for you like a father that shock and emotional pain steals your voice. I would most often pretend to sleep while I wished I could float away until it was over. The the guilt and the self blame...

You are not alone and I am sorry that you have these memories. 
He should have protected you. My mother should have protected me. They didn't but we survived!! We can't stop now


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Thank you Shianne for your supportive words

I am sorry you also went through that. Your situation is even harder, mine with a father in law but yours with your real father. I feel so sorry but also so proud of you i read in your thread you have done a lot to overcome your hurt.

Keep your head up and take care of Shianne...


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Maybe i made this thread to cry each time i read it. 
It has being long time i didn't check it just now i saw your post Homemaker_Numero_Uno. Thank you for your kind and true words.
(BE KIND TO YOURSELF) It is true i never was kind to myself.

Years and years, days and nights, many and many and many times through the years i slept crying, self blaming and feeling pity for my H and feeling myself guilty as much as his father was even more because i am the one who allowed it. I should have stood up for the values i had but i didn't. So for me all what happened later was as consequences that i deserved. 

I know it is over now but i can't take out of my mind how much i suffered for nothing and i made myself suffer even more... 

But i am glad that i sorted these things out ( i posted this thread at first to hear people blaming me to hear at least one of you saying that there was a good reason for my H to treat me the way he did, and to hear you blaming me for that because in my other thread everyone was supporting me against my H)

By posting this thread, for the first time i feel better about myself and i can see how much i was wrong and treating myself bad


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I am glad to hear you are not blaming yourself. What your father in law did was rape, he did not have your consent. many women freeze when sexually assaulted. I am very sorry for what you have been through.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Same here! Glad you're healing.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

be strong beautiful!!!!! Stay true to yourself!!! That is the road I am traveling....if you ever wanna talk, I answer my pm's


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