# My Story



## pretzel (May 15, 2013)

Sometimes there is no advice, but it still helps to talk. There's really not a single person in my life who I feel like talking about this stuff with, so an internet forum seems like a good alternative.

Been with the same woman for 25 years, married for 17. Sounds like a long time? Well, time flies. My wife has several personality problems. For one she's a hypochondriac. She also is obsessed about having me involved in anything and everything she's doing, regardless of how trivial. If I'm in earshot she'll beckon me continuously with any imaginable excuse. Third, she's extremely proud, she will never give me credit for anything I ever do, no matter how big, but she will lobby me for credit for anything and everything she does, no matter how small. I work two jobs, pull down a six figure salary. I got us three houses. I'm very capable at many things. And she expects me to jump to attention whenever she demands. However I will never get any credit for anything I ever do. It has always been that way. I fight it, but make no progress. She comes from a family that does nothing but yell at each other. So she's a yeller and a blamer. Everything that happens is my fault. And everything I say must be wrong. She makes every effort possible to misunderstand everything and anything I say, no matter how trivial. She's controlling to the exreme, everything is a debate. I can't get dressed in the morning without debating with her each piece of clothing I plan to wear. But criticize her clothing and you'll get an earful like you're the biggest a-hole on the planet. She won't tolerate for one second being treated the way she insists on being able to treat me. That's the double standard I'm expected to tolerate with a smile. And I more or less have tolerated it, beyond what I think anybody should be expected to.

But then comes May 2009 and she is diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer. She goes through major radiation, chemo and surgery. But because of the surgery she has developed an extreme case of IBD, she cannot eat out, she cannot even go out easily, she's in the bathroom many hours a day and she claims to be in extreme pain and she's continuously in total mental breakdown from it. Imagine her crying hysterically screaming "do something, do something..." and we run to emergency rooms or I have to run around fetching hot water bottles and medicine and soothing her for hours until she calms down for a short period before the next episode. This is not sometimes, it's every day. Imagine going through that every day for four years straight. She's been to a hundred doctors, they all scratch their heads befuddled and say they don't understand. She has built this up to eight or ten different mysterious conditions in her bowels that take turns tormenting her. None of which are identifiable by any doctors. 

If you think it's hard to be married to a hypochondriac, imagine being married to a hypochondriac who has had cancer. She has a long history of psychosomatic illnesses, but try telling her that her current issues are partly in her head and she will freak out and tear your head off. Such ideas are beyond discussion.

It's like she doesn't even want help, she just wants support. Endless support. And I'm expected to be the bottomless pit of support. Even though I never deserved any credit for anything I've ever done. 

Of course if this leads to divorce, I'll be the a-hole who left his wife after she got cancer. But I'm out of energy, I'm spent. I could go another five years if I knew it would be just five more years. But she's aiming for continuing this for another 40 years until we die. I can't face another 40 years of this. It's every day the worst horror story of frantic craziness. Can anybody be expected to deal with this without going crazy?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Holy cow! Hell No! As I read through you post I kept wondering, why are you allowing her to treat you this way? Who ever said that being a man meant you have to put up with a b!tchy crazy wife?

Have you ever thought of saying no? And when she pitches her fit, you LET HER, and if she gets abusive you go out with the guys, and if she locks the door you go to a friends house!

Your wife has got some serious problems, and if you think you can continue to try to meet her endless needs, your problems are just as bad. Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries!

Don't talk to me that way.
Don't order me around like that.
I don't care how much pain you feel, be nice or do it yourself!
I need a break from being a care giver.
I need a break from you.

Also, I beg to differ about being the bad guy. Having been a care giver myself I know how hard it is to keep giving and giving and giving. But you MUST take some time for yourself and if her family won't back you up and come stay with her while you go fishing for the weekend, get a nurse to come in a few hours a day. 

You have to create you own support or you will blow a gasket! You sound like you're pretty close to that already.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Pretzel, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with everything Pink wrote above, especially what she said about the importance of establishing strong personal boundaries -- and enforcing them. 

I suggest you take a look at Shari Schreiber's description of "Waifs" at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.. I also suggest you look at Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. If either of those articles rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Pretzel.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

Her requests seem to be way above what can be rationally expected of a spouse. Probably best to not give in to them.

If you leave her, that's perfectly reasonable.

If you don't, please start taking care of yourself - probably by getting support from other people and carving out part of your week for yourself. NAMI support groups might be a start - they'd give you a chance to talk to other people in similar situations.

BPD and NPD have a lot of overlap - so - you might also want to look at 'The Wizard of Oz and other narcissists'.

--Argyle


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Sounds like the ugly seed of resentment has already been planted. Sorry your here man. Other guys would have bailed by now.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

The thing I'd add though...she sounds like she's prone to anxiety. For people who are sufficiently prone to anxiety, their fears are probably more real than anything happening to them physically - and capable of causing a lot of pain.

This doesn't mean that you should or even can be responsible for their pain. But, it does mean that resenting them for manipulating you may not be fair. Eg, a few months back, my wife was feeling pretty scared. The best way she could deal with it was by hiding in our bedroom and bashing her head into the wall until (a) the house shook and (b) she was very noticeably bruised. Eventually she got things under control - and - after realizing exactly how embarrassing and painful her behavior ended up being for the following few weeks - she's trying different methods...but...at that moment - repeatedly headbutting a wall was easier for her.

One possibility is that she has narcissistic tendencies but that, when she's stressed and afraid, she acts more borderline. I've seen similar shifts in other people with personality disorders. The amount of crazy usually doesn't shift much, just the type of behavior.

Assuming you do plan to stay - consider 'Boundaries', by Townsend. The general rule of thumb is that it is ok to help people with stuff that is out of the ordinary but not with part of their daily lives. She's a cancer survivor - that's part of her life now. Once she accepts that there's stuff you won't do - she'll either leave or become less unpleasant to live with.

--Argyle


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

argyle said:


> One possibility is that she has narcissistic tendencies but that, when she's stressed and afraid, she acts more borderline. I've seen similar shifts in other people with personality disorders.


Perhaps so, Argyle. As you know, most folks having strong traits of one PD also have strong traits of one or two others. A recent study found that 37% of NPDers have full blown BPD and 39% of BPDers have full blown narcissism. 

However, the specific shifting you describe -- between behaving selfishly and banging her head against the wall -- may not be a shift between narcissism and BPD traits. Rather, you may be seeing a BPDer shifting between two borderline states: 


 (a) turning her anger outward (exhibited as temper tantrums and selfishness, as high functioning BPDers typically do) and
(b) turning her anger inward onto herself (exhibited as self harming and self criticism, as low-functioning BPDers often do).
 My experience is that, when under great stress, even the high functioning BPDers can easily shift into the low functioning state for several hours, if not longer. I saw my HF BPDer exW do it about five times during our 15 year marriage. It was frightening for me to watch because she was trembling, shaking and disintegrating right in front of me. All I wanted to do was throw my arms around her and protectively hold her.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

Dunno. I've also seen temporary changes and dissociation under high stress - usually accompanied by transient paranoia. I could easily be wrong, but...I've also seen long-term shifts. I suspect that PDs have high co-morbidity because they are not particularly distinct. This is, I think, particularly true of high-functioning BPD.

I've listened to my wife explain her thought processes during a narcissistic rage - easily triggered by questioning any career plans. The correspondence to essays on narcissism was eerie. (I cannot let you shake my view of myself, therefore I must destroy you as a person.)

After having career trouble, I've listened to my wife project every one of her failings onto me and rage.

And, following her arrest, I've watched her self-harm and thrash in terror because her other coping mechanisms weren't available.

I guess my point is that - based on situation - people with personality disorders can change their coping mechanisms significantly for long periods - even to the point where their DSM IV classification might change. My experience was that self-harm was pretty easy to deal with, that an utter lack of empathy, complete career focus, and rare inhumanly abusive verbal rages was comparable in difficulty, and that constant projection and abusive rages was very difficult.

My experience was that prolonged helplessness (brought on either externally or through boundaries) tended to result in rapid behavioral shifts towards low-functioning behavior but only modest short-term changes in magnitude. I've seen several high functioning BPD's/NPDs exhibit similar changes when their partners started implementing boundaries.

In pretzel's case, his wife seems to have behaved, with his permission to some extent, in an abusive, controlling, and high functioning pattern for long periods. Now that she's a cancer survivor (and probably very bad at dealing with anxiety anyways) - she's acting very waif-like.

He can stop catering to her constant demands, but she'll probably just shift behaviors to something differently annoying.

Why mention this? Because validation seems to work well with dealing with waif-like behaviors, but it doesn't work at all well with narcissism - and the overlap between high-functioning BPD and NPD is high.

--Argyle


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