# Confused on what to do about my marriage?



## loveless to hope (Nov 10, 2011)

I'm 27yrs and my husband is 37yrs and we have been married going on 5 years now. My husband is my first love and I love him dearly, but i marriage is far from rosy. I started dating my husband when I was 18yrs old and he was my everything. We dated while I finished my senior of HS and we continued to date during my college years. We got married 2 weeks after I graduated from college and I moved into a ready made family. I had the house, the car, and everything a newly married woman could want, but I was unemployed and it hurt to not be a contributor in our marriage. I was unemployed for a while and my whole focus was finding a job. My husband felt neglected from me searching for a job and he engaged in an emotional affair with a woman he met online. He felt bad about the relationship and he told me about it and i was hurt but i forgave him. 

It was hard, but I was able to forgive and and move on from the past. We started to rebuild our marriage and we moved on. Within in a year, I started to have an attraction to someone i worked with and I told my husband of my attraction for the guy. When I told my husband of my attraction, my husband expressed to me how it turned him on when he thought about me sleeping with another guy. I should have been the better woman, but i wasn't and I began to seek the attention of the guy. My husband actually coached me on what to say and I finally had an affair with the guy. My husband liked the fantasy of me sleeping with someone, but when I let selfishness take over it made him mad. This was not a good time for me, because i ended up developing depression and emotional hurt. 

I vowed to never make that mistake again and me and my husband forgave each other. We moved on and we tried yet again to rebuild our marriage. Things were hard but it felt that we are making progress. My husband works on commission at his job and sometimes he makes really good money and we decided to celebrate a really good week by going to dinner and going to a night club. We had never been to a club before and found it exciting to experience something new together. We had agreed that we would could dance with other people. At the club, I danced with a man that I just really connected with and we danced the entire night. After this exciting time, I exchanged numbers and I met him for dinner the next day. My husband wasn't happy but he stated that he wanted to pursue a open relationship. I went to dinner with the guy and we ended up having an affair. My husband also met a woman online that he went to dinner with and movies and he slept with two hookers. 

I was really hurt because for a while, my husband and I weren't spending any time together and we didn't do anything or go anywhere, but he took another woman to expensive restaurants and going to movies with this woman. I became very jealous and I know this was very selfish of me because i was seeing someone else too. i just felt that my husband was doing things for a woman that was not even done for me. This was a very stressful time for me because i was jealous and depressed. I didn't want to live like this anymore and we stated that we need to stop or we would lose our marriage. 

My husband and I have had multiple affairs and he has had a drinking problem, gambling problem, and we have had serious financial hardships. I use to have really good credit and now it is trashed because our behavior. When we got married, we were strong christians and we prayed together and went to church together every sunday, now our marriage woe has made my husband not even believe in god anymore and I feel like it's my fault. 

Now, we are broke and I feel unhappy and i just feel that we are in a unhealthy marriage. I'm seeking help for my issues, because i know that i'm fully responsible for the troubles in our marriage and i too was a awful woman. I have gotten to a point in my life that i'm at rock bottom and i want out of the marriage. My husband states that he loves me and really want to work on our marriage for the last time. he says that he think that we are meant to be together, but we were stupid and made awful mistakes. He states that if we work that we can rebuild our marriage. i don't know anymore because i'm tired of all of our problems and drama. My husband has sense given up drinking, and smoking, but i still feel that he has gambling problem and he stated that he will give it up to make us work. My family states that i really need to try to work it out if he really wants to work it out. My parents said that if he's willing to try that i should since he has taken me back due to my multiple affairs. they stated that he didn't give up on me and i shouldn't give up on him just yet. I'm so confused and don't know what to do. I love my husband, but i think i want out of this marriage, but i'm really concerned about him and his well being and i feel that he will get into a big depression if i leave and will lose everything that we have built together. I'm 27yrs old and i don't know what to do. Can this be saved? Can we win this? thanks for your advice.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow!

Only 27 and you've had multiple affairs etc,and so has your husband.

Honestly you have lived the fastened cheating lifestyle and you've found it to be hollow and filled without satisfaction. 

I really don't see how the two of you can claim to love one another, yet do callously cheat. I just don't see it being possible to save your toxic relationship,

That said, your going to find it hard to find a guy that ixnt a player himself who is going to be able to trust you and settle down,more specifically that you would be able to find a boring of monogamous guy interesting enough to stay with him. You've lived a pretty fast life.

Who do you want to be in 5 years? If you had a son, what kind woman woud you want him to date? Perhaps you can use that girl as a role model to live up to?

As for your husband, ditch him, he hasn't shown you a life of love or respect. Instead he is a player who took you along for the ride,but hasn't invested his love or passion in you. He instead has used you for his jollies. Ask yourself are you happier and prouder of who you are now, or who you where 10 years ago?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Listen, you explored a lifestyle choice and found out it didn't work for you. It was hurtful and you both learned valuable lessons. If you are both willing to work on things, then you most certainly can win. 

You did some really stupid things and you now want to escape the drama and from the sounds of it so does he. So, what are you waiting for? You are the one currently keeping yourself in drama because you are confused. You say it's been five years? What if you committed to six months of no holding back, doing EVERYTHING you both can do to make it work. If after those six months are over and you can see it's not working, then leave. At least you'll be able to walk away without spending the rest of your life wondering "what if".


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I think you should give the marriage another chance. But you have to do things differently this time. Both of you have to work on changing. Both of you need to set goals and work on them together and individually. You need to talk about possible warning signs that will indicate you are going down the wrong path again. Changing this time, must be different. There is hope. Do not give up.


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