# Young, pregnant, and emotionally done...



## PrettyHippie (Nov 20, 2010)

So to start off, I'm new here and I have the feeling this post is going to be long. After another nasty argument tonight I decided to come here and finally reach out for some...advice, encouragement, sympathy...I don't really know. The basic background is I am 26, my husband is 27, we have a lovely 2yo daughter, and another baby due in a few weeks. We've been married for almost 3 years and most people would think we have the best marriage. It's that case of what goes on behind closed doors... I have about hit my limit with my husband. You know, overall he is a good man. That has to be said. He just has so many issues that he refuses to do anything about. He does not think he has problems. I should say that he never really fit in growing up...a black sheep is a good term. I guess he was picked on and such which led to him fighting in school and just becoming quite jaded. His family, which I do love very much, didn't help the situation too much either. His father is a very prideful arrogant man who feels he is never at fault for anything and it's always the other persons fault. His mother he feels never stood up for him or ever took his side but always did for his sisters and brother. His mom and dad were quite nasty when they fought apparently. Like...horrible name calling and total lack of respect for each other. Now, my parents were by no means perfect and still have their issues. Dad, despite having an amazing mind and PhD still to this day has a major alcohol problem and totally leached off my well payed scientist Mom since I was 2. He'll probably never change and it drives me nuts that he's willing to watch her work her life away while he sits on is but and spends her very hard earned money on booze. Dad's issues just made me a stronger person. I saw what NOT to be in a marriage. You know, despite some of the nasty arguments I witnessed between them there was always a limit they never pushed past. A certain level of respect for each other always was there and certain names and words were just never uttered. Now onto my marriage. My husband and I fight a lot. No easier way to say it. It always seems to end up being about the same things too. My husband ALWAYS plays the victim. Only HE works hard and I'm an "ungrateful brat." I am a stay at home mom, so no I don't bring home a paycheck. I do make soaps and produce veggies and goods to sell that the summer farmers' market, but that isn't good enough apparently. He sure has no problem taking the money I do make though. I do watch our 2yo all day, clean and cook, wash his clothes, etc. He wants to act like he helps me all the time. That I will laugh at. It's just a flat out lie. I don't know why I bother doing any of it myself though because he tells me none of that is as important as what he does or I don't do any of it well enough or fast enough. I apparently don't do ANYTHING useful. I'm a lazy, worthless, b**** so he says. Yes, a b****. He tells me to shut up and to go to Hell every argument...ALL of this right in front of our little girl. He is just so nasty when he's mad. He has anger issues, but won't admit it. I can hardly ever get a word in b/c he just wants to keep laying on his reasons for why he's never the problem. When I finally can fight back he just says he doesn't care what I have to say and isn't going to listen to me b/c I'm wrong. He NEVER takes me or my feelings seriously. I'm never allowed to be truly upset with him. There is always some excuse and it's spun back to being MY fault. He tells me I'm being a "hormonal psycho" and that I need to be put on medication. He even insults my parents with DD right there. This all never gets any better and has been bad since we got married. I guess I just never thought he would be this way, especially in front of our impressionable children. The part that bothers me the most is the fact that he DOES do it in front of our child!!! She will grow up thinking this behavior is alright. I confront him and ask him on what planet he thinks this behavior is ok and he admits that he shouldn't say it, but I just make him "so mad." He says not to start something when he's tired, but he always manages to be tired when something comes up. I of course fight back too and have said some things I shouldn't, but there are certain boundaries you just do not cross. I feel he has no respect for me anymore. I know he doesn't. I have no real attraction to him anymore either. The very last thing I feel like doing with him is sex. The drive is there, but not towards him. He has just pushed me so far away. It doesn't matter what I do or say to make him feel appreciated, it's never good enough and I'm called selfish and ungrateful. I AM so very lucky to be able to be home so our little girl can be home and not in daycare (he wanted this by the way) but I'm never grateful enough for his liking. Plus, we have another baby due in a few weeks! We are both very, very happy about this baby as we suffered a horrible loss last year. But again, it doesn't matter that I'm 9 months pregnant with terrible hip problems and can't sleep anymore...none of that is as bad as poor him. He has not one ounce of sympathy and I'm just suppose to deal with it since I get to stay home. He feels like it is so unfair that he has to go to his very good job with wonderful benefits m-f, 8-5. He doesn't seem to realize how lucky he is...but again, he's a victim, feel sorry for him, nobody else suffers like him. As a result he wants to come home, spend 15 minutes with our DD who so badly wants to play with him, then proceeds to plunk in front of his video games for 2 hours. He demands his "me time." That's fine, I get that everyone needs that, trust me. Yet, he doesn't care that I'm needing to have a break from tending to the 2yo, or get something done, try to grab a bite to eat, shower, or heck, take some "me time" for myself. He just tells me that I'm home all day and his time is more important. So, he just shoves DD in front of a DVD while he does what he wants locked behind the gate in the other room. She just stands there crying trying to figure out why he's ignoring her. Now remember I'm the selfish one. Then he tries to claim that he spends SOOO much time with her. He is just quite immature yet in so many ways. He never remembers his bills, I have to remind him. He's been sent to the collectors twice!! I'm not his darn mother!! Not my job. He ran up a $75 fee to the library b/c he never renewed the items even though I kept asking him about it...yet it was MY FAULT in the end!! And then he wants to complain that there's no money. Like I said, nothing is ever his fault. I am so tired of fighting, so tired of feeling like a dog backed into a corner that can do nothing but lash out, so tired of the yelling in front of the baby, so tired of the crying. I have cried so much. He refuses to take me seriously and refuses to admit he needs to see a therapist. I'm still thinking about going just for myself at this point. He would NEVER admit he's emotionally abusive...but I sure do have the scars and wounds. They were not there before him. I know what he says about me is not true and it's just him being hurtful. Sometimes though I hear this tiny little voice creeping in the back of my mind saying "Maybe he's kind of right. Perhaps you should be a better wife and not so lazy." I do feel like I just want to leave him in so many ways. I fear he will never change and I refuse to waste my life and those of my children on him if it stays like this. A loveless marriage is not healthy for me, or my little ones. I don't know how I could walk away at this point. I'm a homemaker. No income of my own. I do have a 4 year degree, but it's pretty useless at this point. I have no money to pay a lawyer, no way to get on my feet and pay all the bills that he takes care of each month that are technically mine, i.e. student loans. With kids involved I would have to have a good lawyer b/c I don't know what he would try to pull. I have no desire to keep his children from him at all. He has flat out told me he would refuse to pay any alimony either. I just feel completely trapped. He knows I'm dependent on him in this way, so he doesn't take my leaving him threats seriously. I would love to think that there is hope yet...but I just don't know anymore. If you made it through this long, rambling, unorganized mess I owe you a big thank you. I really does mean a lot to me to actually be heard for once.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, especially in the last month of pregnancy. Big hug to you!! 

You are both really young and so much responsibility, it's hard, especially these days when it is so easy to walk away. People are leaving each other left and right. And the kids, sigh.

Well we know that the best situation is for a child to be with their mom and dad, even when dad is not so great. How do we get him to great?

There is a book I've been reading, called Fascinating Womanhood. A lot of women have had success with turning their marriages around with the suggestions. They aren't easy, and a little counter intuitive, but if it helps improve the mood of the house, why not give it a try? It's based on not trying to change him but a change to how you react to him. How to avoid fights, how to put some stability back into the marriage.

If anything, it will help you to calm things down around the house until you are able to leave if that's how you feel after the baby and things are a bit more settled. The family is important to women, the kids are so important to us, it is kind of up to us to set the tone and do everything we can to resolve the issues. Let go of trying to change him, learn new ways to deal with the arguing, and fight to have the kind of home you want and deserve. Hopefully you can get this book and read some of it before you have the baby.


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## missconfused (Nov 19, 2010)

HUGS and I hope your delivery goes well.
I'm in the same boat with one child...I do work but not enough to take care of us. Its scary, and if you feel like you can't work it out with him you need to pull your resources.


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