# Wife and my mother issues.



## sammys12 (Oct 7, 2014)

My wife is always nagging about my mom. there are some points that she is right. but now they had a big fight. for the last 10 years my mother did all my wife requested. always helping out, running errands, helping with the kids and etc.. meanwhile my sister and law and mother in law do nothing. even when my wife had serious knee surgery and was not able to walk for 6 months and then another 6 months on a walker my SIL and MIL did nothing. they came by once every 2 weeks and 2 hours and help. but neither one of them even have a job. they just sit home all day. 
but my mom was there every day, helping with the kids, cooking cleaning and anything my wife needed she was there. while i was working.
once in a while my mom would be a lil annoying and sometimes overbearing and she can get very nervous. but you need to take the good wit the bad. i didn't think it was out of control but my wife thought it was too much.
we had some bumps in the road and decided to get help so we saw a therapists for a bout 1 yea and 1/2. it worked and i would talk to mom about the things that my wife was annoyed at and my mom would apologize. 

but after their fight because my mother mentioned to my aunt how the neighbors children have no discipline and do and say what they want but my wife discipline her kids but when she does it it upset my mom because she hate to see my grandkids upset. but they need it have it in their life. then the next day my mom came over and started washing the dishes and my wife flipped. so the next day they went to talk and they got into a fight.
i went to talk to my mom and she got very pissed. she says i do everything for your wife asked and i don't want you to fight over me. my mom says she cant help the way she says things or the things my mom does make my wife thinks she is trying to control her. she said i never come to you with the things your wife says and annoys me because i don't want you two fight. 

but i wife has a problem that is she very sensitive and the second someone looks at her the wrong way she damns them. now is she trying to ruin the relationship with my parents.

i don't know what to do. for 

the last 4 days that all my wife talks about in the morning she calls he 6 times a day and then when i get home.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

If things are exactly what you wrote, I (a wife) feel that your wife is being disrespectful to your mother. Your mother sounds like a wonderful mom-in-law and has been going above and beyond to help your wife. 

Instead of being grateful, your wife seems to be taking your mom for granted. I feel you need to talk to your wife and have her apologize to your mother. However, I don't know if your wife and mother had a history and if her flipping out was due to something else entirely.

Also from what is written, your mom sounds like she needs to put up some boundaries because your wife sounds like a bully. Your wife is right for disciplining your children and your mom has her right to her opinions. Since your mom sounds like she is very involved in your lives with all the things she has done, she's entitled to her feelings. 

I really feel your wife is overreacting and needs to get over it. If she doesn't want your mom to share her opinions, your wife needs to stop asking your mom for help.


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

Your wife doesn't appreciate all your mothers help.., your mother doesn't have to go there everyday, she is doing it strictly to help your wife , your wife should be saying .....thank you so much for your help, i don't know what i would do, if it wasn't for you being here everyday..
but instead your wife is picking apart the things your mother says she doesn't like.

I would be telling her to either start appreciating what my mother is doing for you, and telling her so.........or get your own mother over here everyday to help you.


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## kbutterfly8 (Oct 8, 2014)

Maybe try to get your mom to ease up and not help around the house for a few weeks. Maybe then your wife will appreciate all that she does for her and understand where she is coming from?


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Is it just me? Your English is hard to read. Anyway,

1. Why your mother needs to be at your house everyday? Is that because your wife had the surgery? Who asked your mom to be there to help? Your mom, you or your wife? If your mom decides to be there every day, then she is intrusive. If your wife asks her to help every day, then your wife needs to appreciate and tolerate her.

2. Don't you know that the key thing to keep peace between your spouse and your parents is to keep distance between them? One house can't have two women making decisions. Your wife and your mom are together every day. I don't see how they will not get into fight.

3. You are apparently side with your mom against your wife. That's not good for your marriage.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to get a job out of the state and move your family away from everyone. My husband and I have been in your shoes. Best move we ever did.


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## Boxing judge (Aug 29, 2014)

Sounds to me that you live with your mother, woman can get very catty. Sounds to me your wife is a modern woman who has no respect for you or your mother.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Ask your mother to stop helping out for a while. Take the kids to see your Mother on the weekend, as a *visit*, not expecting her to look after them or clean your home etc, but to spend time with her. You don't have to take your wife. Maybe give your wife this time as time to herself.

It just sounds like your Mother is constantly there. Always there. Even if she's helping out, this still sounds like your wife is getting no break from her being there. When you don't grow up with someone, having them constantly with you can end up being extremely irritating, justified or not. My own mother nearly went into severe depression when we had a boarder stay with the family. The girl was lovely, and always helped out and kept to herself, but just her presence ended up being extremely aggravating to my mother after a while. It sounds like your wife is getting to this point with your mother. They need some space from each other.

Edited to add: People will tell you your wife is a horrible person, selfish, disrespectful etc, but they aren't the ones in the situation, and they really don't know what it is your wife is feeling. It may have nothing to do with a lack of respect. You wouldn't understand why your wife may be aggravated by the constant presence of your mother because she's *your* mother. If your MIL was always at your house and saying annoying little things here and there that you had to listen to day in day out, maybe you would understand a little better.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I sense defensiveness. Trait that is sure to kill relationships AND marriages. 

Have a serious conversation with your wife about this and show her actual data how BAD this issue is.

Don't do it for your mom, do it FOR YOURSELF.

Also, that would be a good time to remind her how much help your mother has been.....and how little her family has helped.

Also remind her that your mother is FAR FAR FAR from perfect, but it's as close to perfection as you get when it comes to BOTH of your families.

Stay on top of this. It will not only help your marriage, but also your mother.

Think of this as "undoing damage that's been done by your wife's parents".


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I see both sides of this issue.

I'm guessing your an only child or your siblings have moved away?

Your Mom wants to be a part of your life and the only way she knows how to do that is by mothering. She comes over and performs tasks, presumably without being asked. She wants to be with you and your wife so she assumes the only way to do that so often is by making herself useful. While you can't fault her for making herself useful, nor for wanting to be a part of your life, it is really important she give you two space AND it's important for her to have other avenues of emotional connection with other people.

Your Mom really needs to respect the space the exists once her child grows up and marries. She must find other interests and let you live your life. Of course, if she hadn't been so immeshed in your daily life, she might not have been so quick to take over during your wife's recuperation. Instead, you two would have had to specifically ASK for help. While it's nice to have family who will just step in and get things done in a crunch, it sounds like your Mom might have begun to over step her boundaries and instead of helping out she took charge.

You mention your wife's mother and sister and their absense during your wife's recuperation as if their absense without excuse enables your mother's continued immeshment. Their behavior is irrelevant. So I urge you not to compare your family with hers.

You have the very difficult task of getting your Mom to back off a bit and I have an idea to help you.

Encourage your mother to find other interests and other people to engage with. Explain to her that for her own health and happiness, she cannot rely solely on her son for human contact and emotional connection. Arrange agreed upon days and times when she is free to come visit and welcome her, but the other days she must seek out other avenues to spend her time.

Honestly, if you have kids now, do you really expect that when they're in their 20's and 30's you'll be hanging out at their house STILL cleaning up after them? If so, you've screwed up some parenting somewhere along the line. 

Your mom needs to back off, find her own life and let you life yours.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Boxing judge said:


> Sounds to me that you live with your mother, woman can get very catty. Sounds to me your wife is a modern woman who has no respect for you or your mother.


That damn modernity! Sheeshe! You'd think women would be happy to live their lives under first their fathers rule, then their husbands rule and only get to make their own decisions once they are widowed and can rules their daughters in law! 

Life was so much simpler back in the 1800's!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

All I'm going to throw in is that I absolutely despise the term "nag" and any use thereof. It's dismissive and demeaning; someone bringing up something that bothers them is not nagging. The same person that complains about their spouse "nagging" is the same one that will be shocked when said spouse leaves, because they never saw it coming. If something bothers your spouse you should address it, and refusal to address it is often what spurs what some call nagging.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

"All I'm going to throw in is that I absolutely despise the term "nag" and any use thereof. It's dismissive and demeaning; someone bringing up something that bothers them is not nagging. The same person that complains about their spouse "nagging" is the same one that will be shocked when said spouse leaves, because they never saw it coming. If something bothers your spouse you should address it, and refusal to address it is often what spurs what some call nagging. "

What would you call bringing up an issue or area of disagreement, discussing it, having different views or opinions, and then bringing up the same issue, again, and again, and again, making the same points over and over and over again. For example, if a husband desired amorous activity at 7:30 P.M., the wife said she was tired from a long day, and he then made the same request 9 times what would that be.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Even a modern woman like me sees my household as mine to run. It's my domain, and I don't want another woman coming in and taking over. If your mother is coming into your wife's home, her space, her domain, and helping when she isn't asked, then she is invading. 

Even more so with parenting. If your mother is making comments about how your wife parents your children, she is out of line and needs to stop.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Bobby5000 said:


> What would you call bringing up an issue or area of disagreement, discussing it, having different views or opinions, and then bringing up the same issue, again, and again, and again, making the same points over and over and over again. For example, if a husband desired amorous activity at 7:30 P.M., the wife said she was tired from a long day, and he then made the same request 9 times what would that be.


I'd call that a lack of conclusion to the issue, zero compromise and a lack of effective communication.

Edited to add: What the hell, just call your spouse a nag instead and make no effort to reach an agreement/compromise on the issue.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

breeze said:


> I'd call that a lack of conclusion to the issue, zero compromise and a lack of effective communication.
> 
> Edited to add: What the hell, just call your spouse a nag instead and make no effort to reach an agreement/compromise on the issue.


Sometimes bringing up a subject again can makes sense and there can be continued efforts at resolution. Obviously if someone says the same thing 5-10 time it is heard and communicated. Sometimes the nagger may simply want what she wants and basically says, you either do it my way or we will keep bringing the issue up again and again. I am not sure continued rehashing of the same issues over and over ahead is helpful nor do I know a word other than nagging to characterize it. 

Probably what women need to do is bring up issues in a non-confrontational way and promote compromise and indicate their own willingness to resolve other issues or to work towards win/win negotiations. 

Interestingly you didn't respond to my question- if a man asks her for sex 10-15 times when she is not in the mood why isn't she failing at effective communication. When you say things are not resolved, sometimes they are resolved, just not to the satisfaction of the nagger. 

I think men work better if the couple arranges to say have one productive discussion a week on an issue in a non-confrontational nonaccusatory fashion, looking for solutions. Part of this is that a woman may find verbalizing her feelings helps solve issueswhile a man does not.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Bobby5000 said:


> What would you call bringing up an issue or area of disagreement, discussing it, having different views or opinions, and then bringing up the same issue, again, and again, and again, making the same points over and over and over again.





Bobby5000 said:


> Interestingly you didn't respond to my question- if a man asks her for sex 10-15 times when she is not in the mood why isn't she failing at effective communication. When you say things are not resolved, sometimes they are resolved, just not to the satisfaction of the nagger.


Actually, I did respond to the question. You asked, "What would you call..." and I said, "I'd call that a...".

I do however notice that whenever you think of a person as not communicating effectively in a situation where you would describe 'nagging' happening, whether it's the male or the female that is 'nagging', you think that it's the female who is not communicating effectively.

I would generally assume that neither are communicating effectively. Plus, if a situation is resolved to the satisfaction of one party but not the other, it is in fact not resolved at all.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You have to talk to your wife and together decide how much of your mother's help does she really welcome, and how much is too much?

Then you need to talk to your mother, and you will have to be very gentle and sensitive with her. Tell her that you both appreciate all the help and care but you and your wife will take over some of those things. Maybe set the days when she is coming? or you coming over? you have to think it through.

But if your wife still wants her to do all those things for you..... well, then she needs to shut up and put up. That's what my husband did. My mother came over for three months when our first one was born. They both strong headed were arguing all the time. Then when the second one was born it was again my mother volunteering, not his. That's when he said she is the only person we can rely on, so he is gonna bite his tongue, and just let it pass, as appreciation for all she does for his children. They doing together pretty well, I'd say.


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