# I messed things up with my Fiance a month before our wedding :(



## kiyomi (Jul 3, 2013)

He & I have been together for almost 4 years and we are getting married in about a month. A few days ago I was bored on facebook and I started looking up old boyfriends, just because I was curious to see what they were doing with their lives, nothing more. I have never made an effort or even wanted to contact them, as I love my fiance and am very happy with him. 

This morning my fiance looked up our internet history and saw what I had done. He confronted me about it and was very upset, asking how would I feel if I saw him looking up his exes so close to our wedding. I would have been furious and been questioning his motives, as I am sure he is now. I told him that I know I messed up and that I am very sorry, and that it was out of boredom and to please not assume that I am interested in anyone else because I love only him. He was quiet. He just left for work and I hugged him hard and kissed him telling him I loved him & to drive safe. He didnt say I love you back before he left  

I am very ashamed that I even wanted to know what my exes were doing. I dont care about any of them. I feel like a big hypocrite and I am so scared that I have ruined his trust in me and am making him second guess my faithfulness for our marriage. I just need some advice on what to do to prove that I am so sorry for this & that I can be trusted. I want him to know I am sincere & that he is the only man for me. Thank you for any help..


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm sure there will be people here who will think you've done some big wrong. I think it's natural to be curious about people you've known. If you had contacted them in any way, you would have been wrong. Just looking though isn't the same thing in my book. Now that you know how he feels about you even looking at the pages of exes, don't ever do it again.

In a marriage you're going to have many disagreements and even arguments. How you two resolve such incidents will be a big factor in whether you marriage is happy successful one or not. So see what happened as a way to practice those skills while you're engaged. I wouldn't call him or text him incessantly for the rest of the day. Let him cool off and come home. You can tell him what you said in the first part of your third paragraph.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

To spare your feelings I will not tell you what I would be thinking if I were him. But anyway, I wish you luck. You'll need it. He's in a catch22 situation because if he glosses over this you'll lose respect for him and eventually attraction, so you've just upset the balance in your relationship.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

kiyomi said:


> This morning my fiance looked up our internet history and saw what I had done. .


Is anyone else wondering why he would be doing this?? Do you two have a history of mistrust or have you done something like this before? Why would he (out of the blue) check your history, does he check it all the time? Not downsizing what you did but just wondering his reasoning behind checking the history and how often he does it.


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## nishi_25 (Jun 30, 2013)

kiyomi said:


> He & I have been together for almost 4 years and we are getting married in about a month. A few days ago I was bored on facebook and I started looking up old boyfriends, just because I was curious to see what they were doing with their lives, nothing more. I have never made an effort or even wanted to contact them, as I love my fiance and am very happy with him.
> 
> This morning my fiance looked up our internet history and saw what I had done. He confronted me about it and was very upset, asking how would I feel if I saw him looking up his exes so close to our wedding. I would have been furious and been questioning his motives, as I am sure he is now. I told him that I know I messed up and that I am very sorry, and that it was out of boredom and to please not assume that I am interested in anyone else because I love only him. He was quiet. He just left for work and I hugged him hard and kissed him telling him I loved him & to drive safe. He didnt say I love you back before he left
> 
> I am very ashamed that I even wanted to know what my exes were doing. I dont care about any of them. I feel like a big hypocrite and I am so scared that I have ruined his trust in me and am making him second guess my faithfulness for our marriage. I just need some advice on what to do to prove that I am so sorry for this & that I can be trusted. I want him to know I am sincere & that he is the only man for me. Thank you for any help..


Do something 'out of your way' to show sincerity for him, embarass yourself if you have to, or make him laugh, keep bugging him that you love only him. Im sure he will still marry you in spite of what you did. He's probably just waiting for you to really prove to him that he can trust you. Best way, is to make him laugh.  Hope this helps


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## kiyomi (Jul 3, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> That's a really good observation/question.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know why he looked up the history this morning. It is not something that is done normally...But I am not going to be upset at him for checking, I think that we both should be held accountable for our actions..


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

I also see a possible red flag. Has he ever "checked on you" or was overly worried about who you spoke to and what you did?

In other words, does he have a trusting problems?

Does he trust others?

Good friends? Family, etc?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Sometimes, internet history just fills itself in on your browser's titlebar. For example, if he started typing in "facebook" and the browser filled in "facebook/exboyfriend" as an option, then he wasn't really checking up on her.

However, that is irrelevant. I agree that it was a minor breach. The OP can either apologize and give it time, or she can be much more proactive and offer to delete her facebook account. While it's probably not necessary, it would certainly communicate a desire to move forward.

Good luck.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I have a friend that got married some time ago. Before he did, one of his ex's found out and she wanted one more fling before he tied the knot. He is a stand up guy and said no thanks, but it's something that could cause some "trust but verify" situations approaching the big day.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

kiyomi said:


> I don't know why he looked up the history this morning. It is not something that is done normally...But I am not going to be upset at him for checking, I think that we both should be held accountable for our actions..


Good for you! Don't let people turn this into blaming him. 

For future reference, and this is going to take time, 100% transparency and full disclosure is the way to go. It is the secrecy that kills.

My wife will let me look at porn and even have hall passes. So long as she is in control. I don't do hall passes, just not interested. But she will be very jealous and hurt if I looked at porn without her knowing about it. 

Anything that might prompt jealousy - it's a good idea to ask him beforehand. Do it with him, in fact. If he objects, then you can prove his feelings matter more than the curiousity too.

So you learned here. And you can avoid that kind of mistake in the future. Good luck to you.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> It just seems there is mistrust if Internet history needs to be monitored. Under normal, trusting circumstances, that doesn't happen...unless you're under the age of 18 and need parental supervision. Only suspicious behavior warrants monitoring.
> 
> It just may mean that there is a bigger problem than you viewing FB pages of your ex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one said anything about internet history monitoring. And so what that he checked the browser history? He didn't do anything wrong in doing so at all. There are all kinds of non sinister reasons he may have been looking, including just being curious what his fiance was looking at. Nothing wrong with that at all. Beyond going to the bathroom, there should be, nor should there be any expectation of privacy in a marriage if you expect it to work long term.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> No one said anything about internet history monitoring. And so what that he checked the browser history? He didn't do anything wrong in doing so at all. There are all kinds of non sinister reasons he may have been looking, including just being curious what his fiance was looking at. Nothing wrong with that at all. Beyond going to the bathroom, there should be, nor should there be any expectation of privacy in a marriage if you expect it to work long term.


Nothing wrong with it, but perhaps it is an indicator that she has done things in the past that make him more likely to monitor (I don't monitor because my wife has never done anything that makes me wonder, but if she did, I would start). If so, that may alter what she needs to do.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

It is a cheating mindset which will allow you to ponder the possibility of contacting ex's for whatever reason before you get married. Alot of marrieds have not let go of their cheating mindset, and look at their single days as the glory days. You have to kill it if you want to be a successful married, unless you guys are going to be swingers.

I don't think he did anything wrong. It's also going to be very hard for you to have the proper level of grief and remorse to correct the rest of yourself so nothing like this happens again, because your ego and esteem will attempt to protect itself and it will like it does on 99% of the people.

Lying and deception and slick ways do not end easily and many never let it go. I wish you guys the best, and I hope that since you've been hanging out around here you want to model a great marriage, not like reality tv at all where both you and your husband are completely fulfilled in a supportive and loving relationship.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

kiyomi said:


> He & I have been together for almost 4 years and we are getting married in about a month. A few days ago I was bored on facebook and I started looking up old boyfriends, just because I was curious to see what they were doing with their lives, nothing more. I have never made an effort or even wanted to contact them, as I love my fiance and am very happy with him.
> 
> This morning my fiance looked up our internet history and saw what I had done. He confronted me about it and was very upset, asking how would I feel if I saw him looking up his exes so close to our wedding. I would have been furious and been questioning his motives, as I am sure he is now. I told him that I know I messed up and that I am very sorry, and that it was out of boredom and to please not assume that I am interested in anyone else because I love only him. He was quiet. He just left for work and I hugged him hard and kissed him telling him I loved him & to drive safe. He didnt say I love you back before he left
> 
> I am very ashamed that I even wanted to know what my exes were doing. I dont care about any of them. I feel like a big hypocrite and I am so scared that I have ruined his trust in me and am making him second guess my faithfulness for our marriage. I just need some advice on what to do to prove that I am so sorry for this & that I can be trusted. I want him to know I am sincere & that he is the only man for me. Thank you for any help..


It's natural to THINK about people you have shared a portion of your life with....thinking about them from time to time, NOT thinking about them every day. If the relationship was important to you at one point in your life, memories will come back from time to time.

I think lots of people "creep" on their ex'es on facebook, internet, etc. It's fairly common, I know lots of people who do that....like everyone I work with. Sometimes you want to see what the heck they look like today, who they ended up with, if they "let themselves go", etc....at one point, they were your best friend, so it's no major surprise you would be curious about them from time to time.

Actually reaching out to them, trying to talk to them, etc....this is not a good idea if you are in a relationship with someone else. Not cool.

OP was "creeping" on her ex'es, not trying to hook up with them or contact them. Ya, of course her fiance would be upset with this...he's wondering if she secretly wants to rekindle with an ex or something.

I think it's something they can work through and get over....she should ask him if he has ever creeped on one or more of his ex'es and see what he says....I bet you he has, out of curiosity, looked someone up from his past...he may or may not admit this.

It just needs to be talked about, boundaries set out (like no actual contact), and they can move forward.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I look at net history because I go to many different sites, usually for reference, and I always find a site that I would like to go back to, but I'm so absentminded that I will forget what the site was, and have to resort to net history. I'm not "snooping" on anyone.

And, FWIW, I believe that some degree of "privacy" is acceptable in a marriage, but it could easily become "secrecy". Go to the Coping With Infidelity section, and you will find hundreds of threads in which a spouse was cheating, but they would whip out the "my privacy" card to hide what they were doing.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

Hello Kiyomi,



kiyomi said:


> He & I have been together for almost 4 years and we are getting married in about a month. A few days ago I was bored on facebook and I started looking up old boyfriends, just because I was curious to see what they were doing with their lives, nothing more. I have never made an effort or even wanted to contact them, as I love my fiance and am very happy with him.
> 
> This morning my fiance looked up our internet history and saw what I had done. He confronted me about it and was very upset, asking how would I feel if I saw him looking up his exes so close to our wedding. I would have been furious and been questioning his motives, as I am sure he is now. I told him that I know I messed up and that I am very sorry, and that it was out of boredom and to please not assume that I am interested in anyone else because I love only him. He was quiet. He just left for work and I hugged him hard and kissed him telling him I loved him & to drive safe. He didnt say I love you back before he left
> 
> I am very ashamed that I even wanted to know what my exes were doing. I dont care about any of them. I feel like a big hypocrite and I am so scared that I have ruined his trust in me and am making him second guess my faithfulness for our marriage. I just need some advice on what to do to prove that I am so sorry for this & that I can be trusted. I want him to know I am sincere & that he is the only man for me. Thank you for any help..



The "History" function of all modern browsers is not a form of monitoring but for keeping your browsing history under control. Some can see it as monitoring though; but most people never go anyway near the "History" function anyway.

_Let's put it this way, if I was going to marry you and I discovered you were checking out old boyfriends a month before the wedding. This would make me question are you ready for marriage in the first place._

Facebook can either make a relationship/marriage work or destroy it! Here's an idea you can put to your boyfriend.

*1.* Open a joint Facebook account and on the home page put a picture of the both of you together, stating you are about get married. Together ONLY accept and reject friends requests you are both comfortable with. State to everyone on your Facebook page, you are not interested, in ONS, sex-ting, flings etc and are very happy together.

OR

*2.* You can both have Facebook accounts each, but the other must have unrestricted access to it.

I personally like option (1) 

You need to have heart to heart (H2H) conversation with him about a lot of things, but the biggest one's are the boundaries between you, about old boyfriends/girlfriends etc., and the big one, TRUST! Your 4 weeks away from that happy day for the rest of your life, spend as much time together as possible before that big day, and just talk, listen, and where you can laugh. It's good to talk, so just do it...... 

Good luck......


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## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

You sound like an honest, trustworthy person. I think it is natural for a person that is about to get married to wonder if others have married, have children, etc. Not all people that we dated in our past end on a bad note. I dated a lot of people prior to meeting my husband and obviously it didn't work out with them. But we just ended it with "we are too different" . In fact, once in awhile I would fix them up with girls that I met who I felt were a perfect match for them. 

It sounds like just curiosity in regards to who else might be experiencing a happy marriage or getting married. Sounds like you are excited and as humans, we like to see how other people do what we are about to. Yes, I agree that it was poor judgment but it doesn't sound like you had any intentions of doing anything further with it.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

Curiousity is normal. I sometimes look up ex-boyfriends on FB, and I would NEVER in a million years cheat. 

Having said that, your fiance is hurt and he will need to regain trust in you again. He is probably assuming the worst, that you're looking them up because you have cold feet or you still have feelings for them. You need to prove to him that neither of those is the case.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

kiyomi said:


> I am very ashamed that I even wanted to know what my exes were doing. I dont care about any of them. I feel like a big hypocrite and I am so scared that I have ruined his trust in me and am making him second guess my faithfulness for our marriage. I just need some advice on what to do to prove that I am so sorry for this & that I can be trusted. I want him to know I am sincere & that he is the only man for me. Thank you for any help..


Hi Kiyomi,
I sense that you are an honest person based on your admission that had the roles been reversed , you would have felt the same way as your husband.
That is a good sign.

Back in my day, when I was about to get married , the week leading up to our marriage an ex contacted me through a mutual friend and asked for an urgent " meeting." She left a phone # and address.
I didn't respond until after our honeymoon ,by sending a little piece of our wedding cake to her, through that friend.

You are at a very delicate stage in your relationship and your actions may have put a sliver of doubt in your fiancées mind.

But don't panic.
All is not lost.
You simply let curiosity get the better of you , but this can be used to build a stronger bond between you and your fiancée.
Don't beat up yourself about it, he just needs time and reassurance. 
But both of you can use this opportunity to set proper boundaries .

The reality is that ex boyfriends / girlfriends are Trojan horses to a marriage . They appear beautiful ,benign and passive, but they add no value to your relationship and are ALWAYS potentially dangerous. You can never know someone's real intentions ,and most times , we never intend to do some of the bad things we eventually end up doing.

This time , you were lucky, he will get over it , but do ensure that both of you agree to issues regarding past opposite sex flames.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> OK wow. I may have jumped the gun in the sense that maybe he was looking for a previous site he browsed, and I am honestly sorry I said it that way. I realize now he could have been looking for a previous site. I am sorry for that.
> 
> However, why would.anyone just take privacy away from their spouse before it's warranted? That sounds like paranoia to me. You can make a relationship last with trust...not jumping to snooping. So, unless your spouse has given you reason with behavior and/or lies you are entitled to some privacy...like Internet browsing. Assuming from the get go that your spouse is hiding crap from you is not healthy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I still stand by what I said. There should be no expectation of privacy in a marriage. Snooping has nothing to do with privacy, but rather respect. I would never snoop on my STBW unless there was a reason to. If I wanted to see something, I would ask her first because I respect her. That said, I fully expect that if I were to ask to see her phone, she would hand it over, no questions, no in a few minutes, without issue, and no hurt feelings. I certainly would do the same for her. If she is on Facebook and I start to read over her shoulder, there should not be any closing out of things, jumping to different pages, erasing private messages, clearing browser history. I certainly would do the same for her. 

I believe in complete transparency because I believe in trust. Trust is not only believing that the other partner is being faithful, but also trusting that they will not be offended or hurt by being open. If her need to keep things fom me on the general principle of privacy, no matter how mundane is more important than her relationship with me, that's fine. I respect that. It's not mistrustful. It's not controlling. It is a boundary, and I will choose to enforce my boundary and not to be in a relationship with her.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

Has anything like this happened before? It just doesn't seem like a situation out of the blue.
Maybe a bit of history about similar situations would help people understand.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

dblkman said:


> Is anyone else wondering why he would be doing this?? Do you two have a history of mistrust or have you done something like this before? Why would he (out of the blue) check your history, does he check it all the time? Not downsizing what you did but just wondering his reasoning behind checking the history and how often he does it.


I also think it could be an 'accidental' discovery. I've thought to myself "what was that website name again" and hit the history to find it. That's it's main purpose.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> I also think it could be an 'accidental' discovery. I've thought to myself "what was that website name again" and hit the history to find it. That's it's main purpose.


That's what I do as well. I look through the internet history to find other websites whose names I can't remember. It has nothing to do with checking up on my spouse.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

kiyomi said:


> He & I have been together for almost 4 years and we are getting married in about a month. A few days ago I was bored on facebook and I started looking up old boyfriends, just because I was curious to see what they were doing with their lives, nothing more. I have never made an effort or even wanted to contact them, as I love my fiance and am very happy with him.
> 
> This morning my fiance looked up our internet history and saw what I had done. He confronted me about it and was very upset, asking how would I feel if I saw him looking up his exes so close to our wedding. I would have been furious and been questioning his motives, as I am sure he is now. I told him that I know I messed up and that I am very sorry, and that it was out of boredom and to please not assume that I am interested in anyone else because I love only him. He was quiet. He just left for work and I hugged him hard and kissed him telling him I loved him & to drive safe. He didnt say I love you back before he left
> 
> I am very ashamed that I even wanted to know what my exes were doing. I dont care about any of them. I feel like a big hypocrite and I am so scared that I have ruined his trust in me and am making him second guess my faithfulness for our marriage. I just need some advice on what to do to prove that I am so sorry for this & that I can be trusted. I want him to know I am sincere & that he is the only man for me. Thank you for any help..


You don't care for them at all, are about to get married but for some reason felt compelled somehow to research them.

Yeah, I see why he'd be upset and concerned.

Remember, especially guys, people in a situation like this look at the worst possible aspects of this type of thing.

There's not much you can do but be apologetic, humble, move forward and not let this happen again and allow him to check up on you.


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