# We tried reconciling and I was fooled again



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I just read over some of my old posts; and it is the same old story. I do not know why it took me so long to accept what needs to happen. My husband and I tried counselling one more time to see if we/I could do this. He has been wanting to get back together for a year and I have been floundering not sure what to do; afraid of the outcome; afraid for my children. But since we have been getting along so well and we have 20 plus years invested in the marriage, I thought it was a good decision.

At the counselor this past Friday, she talked to him about his lying issues. For ten minutes. He promised he was done with that and he was now an open book; I could ask him anything. So in the car I again asked him about his relationship with the co-worker that he had sworn was EA only. I told him that two adults would not have had sex with how much they talked to each other. He swore to me three times that he didn't do anything but "feel her up" promised me he was done lying. I kept asking and then he finally came clean. Yes; they had had sex but "only ten times." As dumb as this sounds, I was shocked he admitted this to me. I was holding onto the fact that nothing happened. So dumb and if anyone was in my situation, I would have told them to get out years ago; this couldn't be true. And it isn't true and I get it now.

A tiny part of me has been holding onto the thought that it never went physical, he was just helping her, listening to her, etc. That is what made me want to reconcile. But all these years-almost four now-it wasn't true.

I wish the divorce would have gone through when I first moved away; almost four years ago. I have wasted so much time and energy believing in something that wasn't even there. Questioning my decision to move my younger children away from him; feeling so guilty about all of this. The worst part was when I told him how selfish it was that he put my health at risk by screwing her that he then confessed that she was tested for STD's before they even started. So the methodical planning of this whole situation blows my mind. It was planned. It wasn't a mistake or whatever. 

I did not know who I was married to. He got away for this for a year that I can prove, but they were close for 3 years so I am looking at this with open eyes finally and accepting that it was 3 years. I never would have guessed that this man would do this to me.

Anyway, finally I am clear and not going back and forth on what I need to do. I am surprised though how hurt I feel today and it almost feels like I have been slammed back to D-Day 1. But I didn't have all the information; wait; I did; but wanted to deny that my husband would cheat on me. 

So I think I win the prize on TAM for hanging on as long as I did and waffling on what I wanted to do and allowing him to treat me like this. Thank God I can move on now. Mediation is scheduled for May and the trial date is September. I am asking my lawyer if things can be moved up so we will see. I am still scared of what the future holds, but I will no longer be treated like this and this decision feels right.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Congrats on making the decision to move on. You're gonna be fine. Wish you well.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Thank you Jellybeans. I truly think I will.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You will. You may not know it completely yet, but I do. 

New beginnings.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5creed

No, you win the TAM prize for being an honest, compassionate, person of solid character, along with many other good traits. You are a great person and your spouse wasn't as good as you. I hope you find peace and happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Thank you drifting on. That made me cry~I want to move forward and find peace for sure.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I watched my father string my mother along for about a year before she finally kicked him out for the last time and then filed for divorce. It was tough to watch. I had to resist the urge to knock the sh*t out of him. Looking back on it, I'm glad that I didn't even though I kind of wish that I had.

Anyway, I'd offer you a  , but I think you're going to be just fine... so I'll offer this instead...

  :smthumbup:


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Thank you Gus!! My two older daughters have been gently trying to tell me the same thing without becoming too involved of course. They were relieved and told me I deserve better than this indecision I haven brought on myself for all this time.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Don't beat yourself up for wanting to believe in love and marriage because it shows what a loving heart you have. It angers me that the STBX took advantage of your willingness to try to R. He had no idea what a gift that was and how miserably he squandered it.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Three years of your husband's affair is indeed a very long time. You knew that he was having an affair, but you wanted him to come clean and you thought that 20 years of marriage is worth saving it. When you found out that the Other Woman was tested for STD, before they engaged in sex, you knew that their affair was methodically planned.

I'm sorry for your pain. However, you have decided to end your misery. You can now walk away with dignity as you placed so much of yourself in your marriage. I wish you the best as I believe that you will be fine.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

5Creed said:


> Thank you Gus!! My two older daughters have been gently trying to tell me the same thing without becoming too involved of course. They were relieved and told me I deserve better than this indecision I haven brought on myself for all this time.


You really do, and it's great that your children have your back.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll call my Mama and tell her that I love her.

/sniff


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

when it feels "right"....i think thats all you needed.....


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Don't be so sure it was so methodically planned out. You may be giving him too much credit. He said she was tested before he bed her? Well I just flew the last shuttle run between Mars and Venus. Just because I say it doesn't make it so.

Take heart that your new life awaits and make it a journey to remember. Good fortune to you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

5Creed,

Your decision to end your marriage may be the best. However, you asked him to speak the truth and he did, or at least he admitted more of the facts. That is positive even if the answers were not good.

I, too, doubt that she was tested for STDs before they began fornicating. I also doubt they used rubbers. These are probably lies. Ten times? Also a lie, most likely.

Tell your husband that even though you are going to divorce, you appreciate his new higher level of honesty.

Go to therapy again to make the divorce smoother if you stand it.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

I am truly sorry that you are experiencing the emotions that you are. It must be thoroughly confusing as well as upsetting.

Yet, before you close the door on your marriage, ask yourself without prejudice:

What made him (after a false start) live up to the pledge of honesty?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I do believe he is remorseful now. He told me that I was too good for him and that he knows he messed up by not telling me the truth in the first place. My issue though is not necessarily that he had sex with her; and all the other women he has been with since then. It is that he continually lied before and then directly after a visit with the counselor when in that session he promised to be upfront. Yes; eventually he did tell me which I suppose is a good point in some way. It took that prodding from me and my asking him if it made sense what he was saying for him to do that. He hasn't acted like someone wanting to reconcile. Presently, he cries a lot now and says it is his biggest regret. I agree that it should be. Our family is no longer together. I have admitted my wrongs in the marriage and what I could have done differently. This latest news is beyond my capability to "get over." My trust in him and any respect I ever had is gone. I am sad, but it is time to now protect myself and have some respect for myself.

By the way; the "ten times" lie is...surprise!! A lie. He stated that 10 or 20 times or however much it was that he broke his marriage vows to me the first time and after that it didn't matter-because he "lost count." Really good justifying there.

Didn't think about the STD testing. Most likely not the full story either. In any event it comes down to selfishness on his part. I was tested right after I moved away and thank God I don't have one!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm sorry but I don't give him one bit of credit for admitting a PA after repeated, extensive lies. That does not show renewed commitment to the relationship, it demonstrates an inability to maintain a lie.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I think so too Pluto. It seems when I look back that lying has become automatic with him. Not dealing with this anymore is very freeing.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

5Creed said:


> I do believe he is remorseful now. He told me that I was too good for him and that he knows he messed up by not telling me the truth in the first place. My issue though is not necessarily that he had sex with her; and all the other women he has been with since then. It is that he continually lied before and then directly after a visit with the counselor when in that session he promised to be upfront. Yes; eventually *he did tell me which I suppose is a good point* in some way. It took that prodding from me and my asking him if it made sense what he was saying for him to do that. * hasn't acted like someone wanting to reconcile*. Presently, he cries a lot now and says it is his biggest regret. I agree that it should be. Our family is no longer together. I have admitted my wrongs in the marriage and what I could have done differently. This latest news is beyond my capability to "get over." My trust in him and any respect I ever had is gone. I am sad, but it is time to now protect myself and have some respect for myself.
> 
> By the way; the "ten times" lie is...surprise!! A lie. He stated that 10 or 20 times or however much it was that he broke his marriage vows to me the first time and after that it didn't matter-because he "lost count." Really good justifying there.
> 
> Didn't think about the STD testing. Most likely not the full story either. In any event it comes down to selfishness on his part. I was tested right after I moved away and thank God I don't have one!


When one has had enough, one steps away from the table. Just the same, I see his as an expression of remorse that he may be wanting to reconcile.



Pluto2 said:


> I'm sorry but I don't give him one bit of credit for admitting a PA after repeated, extensive lies. That does not show renewed commitment to the relationship, it demonstrates an inability to maintain a lie.


He maintained lies for years. He is very, very good at that. He maintained that skill in good shape while in the car from the counseling session. 

Could it be that on further self-examination, and after a good bit of hesitating, he decided to live up to his pledge?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It was only ten times? Like, what, he kept a five bar gate score card for her? :wtf:


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It was only ten times? Like, what, he kept a five bar gate score card for her? :wtf:


It would be amazing if he could have kept count if it was that many.

In the 1960's Bob Dylan was asked how many protest singers there were. He answered "367."


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sorry your R turned out this way but I'm sure your new life will be a good one!


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

We have so much invested emotionally, it isn't easy to walk away. Don't waver, get free. Reconciliation is most often a pipe dream that ends up causing another mountain of pain. Think new life.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I agree with Longwalk, it is probably for the best that you move on, but it is a good sign that he finally came out and told the truth. That means something in him changed between then and now to inspire him to tell the truth. I wonder what?

I'm also curious, since I'm assuming you have told him that you now intend to divorce, aside from his crying and having regrets, how is he responding to this news? Has he said that he will accept the divorce and move forward with that decision? Has he said he believes the marriage can still be saved and wants to work towards proving it to you? Does it sound like he will fight you in the divorce?

There is just this tiny part of me that wonders if he's had a good wake up call here, finally did the right thing by telling you the truth, is finally in a place where he can truly accept what he's done and genuinely realize how lucky he has been with you and be ready to be a great husband going forward, whether that is with you or wife #2. If that's the case... I'd hate to be suggesting to you that you move on right away. That's why I'm curious if he has indicated that he still wants to fight for you and the marriage, or if he is accepting your decision and giving up?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

my wife divorced her first husband she just walked away after Catching him cheating three separate times. she walked away from The house, all the cattle she paid for, all the band equipment she paid for. she just wanted to be rid of him.

Only had to see him one more time for the court date about a month after we met 18 yrs ago. Said she never knew what love and marriage was really supposed to be until me. That if she had to go through it all again to get to me she would.

It will be better....pray the Lord puts you with the person you are meant to be with. Your paths will cross as the Lord directs. Do not force it. It will come. I know because I was Divinely Favored when he crossed the paths of my Beloved and I


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

He has had a wake-up call but I am not sure what finally caused him to have it. I was pushing him and he just let it loose. I do know he is very sorry about all of this. Unfortunately, it is truly too late for me. I can not live like this any longer.

Divinely Favored-thank you for that. Wonderful how you two found each other. I know there are good men out there and maybe I will find one someday.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

He has told me in the past that whatever I decide to do, he will be there for me and accept my decision.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like he has exhausted the two of you with his sneaking, cheating, and lying. It just wears you down, doesn't it? And makes you lose respect. You ask yourself, 'Who is this person who can lie so effortlessly and so convincingly? This person who spends untold hours arranging for illicit sex and setting up systems to hide it?'

Emotionally exhausting and game-changing in how you view your life partner.

I'm so glad for you that you have at least enough truth to make an informed decision and move on with your own life in a healthier way.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

alte Dame-Yes; all of what you said is how my life has been.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

If someone cheats, gets caught, and then continues to cheat, they are unsavable. Of course this permanent change will cause a lot of suffering for you but you're doing the right thing. He'll never change.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

I am sorry that his "aha" moment came too late for you.

Best wishes for our future.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This has to be the *longest limbo story* I've seen on TAM in a long time.

*May 2011* you stated your WH moved out to be with the OW and you filed for divorce. Three years later, your thread was about him wanting to move heaven and earth to be with you, and wants you to stop the mediation process, yet was still with the OW.

Then still decides to Trickle Truth and say it was 10 times. Come one, he moved out to be with OW, of course it was more times than he can count. He kept you as Plan B all this time by convincing you to keep delaying the divorce. He's a master manipulator too, seeing how he keeps using the kids to keep you tied to him. I really don't know how some people can R after such a LTA, but some do. Has he actually broken up with the OW yet? Back in *July* you stated he was "in the process", but he could be lying again.

In your case, you're finally moving on from limbo......but are you really? Its almost *four years after DDay* for you. I hope its true this time, because you've said this before, especially back in July 2014.



5Creed said:


> You are not alone~because guess what?!? My STBX all of a sudden when realizing I was definitely going through the divorce this time has become Mr. Remorseful and Mr. I Want To Get Back Together With You Man! Yes; here is what he tells me now: I am so sorry, I did not know where my head was at, I am done with my girlfriend now, let's do things right this time, we can get our family back, etc. etc. etc. Blah, blah. Things that I might have listened to in the beginning when I found out what he was up to; but now things that are being said too late in my world.


I sincerely hope this isn't yet another "I Am Done" thread, and then disappear, then coming back to post yet another "I am done thread". You deserve better than to live in limbo. Don't let him use the children to manipulate you.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Thanks lordmayhem. I know; I was reading over all my old posts too and agree that limbo hell is where I have been stuck.

Just some clarification though; he did break up with the co-worker OW a couple months after I moved to another state with my kids.What he told me is that he had stopped talking to her as much. Whatever that means as they were/still are working together. He then went through a few girlfriends or so; not sure how many, and had one for two years that he was pretty serious with. They were planning a life together; etc. She lived overseas so that is the girlfriend I was referring to last summer.

Yes; sigh. I have really been a fool all this time. He is so good at manipulating me. But I won't put all the blame on him. I did this to myself wanting to believe that all those years of marriage were worth fighting for. I used to believe that but no more. My children-the younger two-are doing great and that is all that matters to me at this point.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

My point being that they do not need us to stay married to be OK and I am thankful to realize this.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission."
--Gandhi


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

5Creed said:


> My point being that they do not need us to stay married to be OK and I am thankful to realize this.


That may be your turning point as it was mine. Happy that you are out of limbo. I believe you are.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I am very sorry you are here sister. I know the path you are going down is hard but you will have your dignity and freedom when you are done. Your self respect and the knowledge that you have that you can make it alone are wonderful things to have. Good luck in your future and God Bless!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

5Creed said:


> I just read over some of my old posts; and it is the same old story. I do not know why it took me so long to accept what needs to happen.


Damn, 5Creed. 

{{{ Hugs }}} 

I was lied to for 6+ years, prior DD. Your WS has no idea... period. First, I am all about R... but your WS has had his chance. 1st time on me, 2nd Never again.

Quit talking to him. Only let your Lawyers (firm) communicate. 
Only see him in person in front of your Lawyers.
Ask the court for "temporary consideration" to stop him from coming to place of residence without prior approval. 
Have your Lawyers freeze all "asset" transfer... put a Lien on mutual property. 

He is a proven liar. Cheaters are liars by shear definition. Everything he has admitted to is nothing more than 1/2 truth at best. 

Time to look forward... "hide the tears" ... get tough now!


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

KingwoodKev said:


> If someone cheats, gets caught, and then continues to cheat, they are unsavable. Of course this permanent change will cause a lot of suffering for you but you're doing the right thing. He'll never change.


Every case is different. In this case you are most likely right, but in general I need to know more about what is going on before I give blanket answers.

This is serious business here. I'd hate to advise something and have it turn out to be the wrong information. In fact that has happened to me several times. I've tried to learn from those situations, but the general thing I've learned is that indeed, every case is different.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

RWB~

6 years makes those 3 seem like nothing. I admire those who can reconcile. My parents did it; my Dad was the WS several times. I would have kicked him out years before but my Mother stuck by him and they are still married today 50 plus years and seem happy. Their marriage seems to be stronger today than it was before my Mom discovered the affairs.

Speaking of my Mom; she has been supportive of me-however she has pushed me towards getting back together and her reaction when I told her the latest was now that I had the full truth; didn't I think I could give it one more chance. Ummmmmm.....no Mom. 

Another important message to me is this is my life and each situation is different. I am glad it worked out for my parents.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

5Creed said:


> Thanks lordmayhem. I know; I was reading over all my old posts too and agree that limbo hell is where I have been stuck.
> 
> Just some clarification though; he did break up with the co-worker OW a couple months after I moved to another state with my kids.What he told me is that he had stopped talking to her as much. Whatever that means as they were/still are working together. He then went through a few girlfriends or so; not sure how many, and had one for two years that he was pretty serious with. They were planning a life together; etc. She lived overseas so that is the girlfriend I was referring to last summer.
> 
> Yes; sigh. I have really been a fool all this time. He is so good at manipulating me. But I won't put all the blame on him. I did this to myself wanting to believe that all those years of marriage were worth fighting for. I used to believe that but no more. My children-the younger two-are doing great and that is all that matters to me at this point.


Then its time to push thru with the D, so that *YOU* can heal and move on with your life. He's been playing you all this time, keeping you as his Plan B in case it doesn't work out with his other women. 

Good luck and I hope you do it this time.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I don't know what is wrong with me~but I have started grilling my husband; all through email-wanting details on his affair. I know I should not care. I know it doesn't matter anymore because we are getting divorced but I just want to know. Anyone else feel this way? I hate she was in my bed and in my house and how sneaky they were. He told me they met "at least" once a week. So some of the details are starting to come out. He isn't answering hardly any of my questions. Told me last night that he can't keep beating himself up about it and he needs to try and be a better person from here. What a crock.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed said:


> I don't know what is wrong with me~but I have started grilling my husband; all through email-wanting details on his affair. I know I should not care. I know it doesn't matter anymore because we are getting divorced but I just want to know. Anyone else feel this way? I hate she was in my bed and in my house and how sneaky they were. He told me they met "at least" once a week. So some of the details are starting to come out. He isn't answering hardly any of my questions. Told me last night that he can't keep beating himself up about it and he needs to try and be a better person from here. What a crock.



5Creed

I chose to reconcile with my WW after her affair. I had to know everything about my WW affair so I could understand what I was forgiving. In your case I wouldn't want to know if I was divorcing. We are all different though and I understand your needing to know. You aren't right or wrong with wanting to know but ask yourself how much more pain or anger this will give you? Is it really worth knowing? From what I have read of your story I think you know enough, but that's my opinion. I would hate see you in more pain and risk hitting rock bottom by getting more grisly details of what destroyed you to this point. I think if I were in your shoes I would walk away and work on myself. Don't allow your spouse to get under your skin like he has and become indifferent to him and live your life happily. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

drifting on,

I think I am getting near rock bottom with how I feel today. And you used the right word; I do feel destroyed. I wish I didn't but I do. There were times since I have been away from him that I did feel indifferent and I see now looking back-that was the time to act. and get this over with already. Instead I slipped back into my old role and into limbo I have stayed. It is so hard today!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed said:


> drifting on,
> 
> I think I am getting near rock bottom with how I feel today. And you used the right word; I do feel destroyed. I wish I didn't but I do. There were times since I have been away from him that I did feel indifferent and I see now looking back-that was the time to act. and get this over with already. Instead I slipped back into my old role and into limbo I have stayed. It is so hard today!



5Creed

Limbo is hell, plain and simple. You are tortured in limbo and that's not a place you want to be. It is easy to slip back a few steps so that would be normal. Destroyed is also normal, everything around you is gone, I stood in that same spot. It is so difficult to see a future when standing where you are, but place your foot forward then repeat that step. Slowly you will emerge and you will feel stronger, your outlook will begin to change. You will begin to see your future and the opportunities before you. Some days are very difficult, just keep thinking to move forward, an hour at a time if necessary. The day will end and the sun will rise tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day in your recovery of yourself. I'm sorry to see you hurting, I'm sorry this has happened to you, but many people here are pulling for you to make it. Take a deep breath and step forward, you've got this. Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

5Creed said:


> drifting on,
> 
> I think I am getting near rock bottom with how I feel today. And you used the right word; I do feel destroyed. I wish I didn't but I do. There were times since I have been away from him that I did feel indifferent and I see now looking back-that was the time to act. and get this over with already. Instead I slipped back into my old role and into limbo I have stayed. It is so hard today!


Hang in there 5. Use the wisdom that you have learned the past almost 4 years and apply it to yourself now... I know it is like a kick in the teeth. Dont let yourself slip into depression. If you feel you are, reach out for help.

Also, I agree with knowing too much can hurt you. I'm one who has to eat, live and breathe whenever something major is happening in my life and I become the greatest researcher on earth. Does no good when it comes to facts of what behavior your hubby did... your only hurting yourself, not him... not caring is hurting him. 

Start reading & planning about rebuilding your new life it will help you toward a stronger outlook...

~sammy

PS... Our DDay our about the same...I'm still stuck, at least you made a decision to try to work on your marriage... wish I could take my own advise.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

5Creed said:


> I don't know what is wrong with me~but I have started grilling my husband; all through email-wanting details on his affair. I know I should not care. I know it doesn't matter anymore because we are getting divorced but I just want to know. Anyone else feel this way? I hate she was in my bed and in my house and how sneaky they were. He told me they met "at least" once a week. So some of the details are starting to come out. He isn't answering hardly any of my questions. Told me last night that he can't keep beating himself up about it and he needs to try and be a better person from here. What a crock.


Getting the whole truth from a cheater is iffy at best. Some do come clean but most don't. Your husband is very unlikely to tell you all of it. 

I know this is hard. I lived it for 30 years between DD1 and DD2 (obviously not a good way to live). But you WILL get through this and come out better on the other side. My only regret about my divorce was wasting those 30 years. I should have gotten out after DD1. Not everyone deserves a second chance, unfortunately. I learned that lesson a little late but I did learn it.

You have a better life waiting.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

I did the same thing for my mom it was her ex-BF he was a user and verbally abusive it was hard for me to see my mom like that.

As her daughter I wanted to help but I wanted to stay in my place as well. I'm just glad she woke up so is she we're so much better now.

Good luck to you and to your girls I wish you healing and happiness.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

5Creed said:


> I don't know what is wrong with me~but I have started grilling my husband; all through email-wanting details on his affair. I know I should not care. I know it doesn't matter anymore because we are getting divorced but I just want to know. Anyone else feel this way? I hate she was in my bed and in my house and how sneaky they were. He told me they met "at least" once a week. So some of the details are starting to come out. *He isn't answering hardly any of my questions. Told me last night that he can't keep beating himself up about it* and he needs to try and be a better person from here. What a crock.


This confirms -for me at least- that your decision to sever the marriage is the correct one.

He would need more inclination to help you heal for me to change my mind.

Stay strong.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Yes; his attitude has been why rehash all this "old" stuff and why don't we all just move on? It was frustrating to me last night when he wouldn't answer hardly any questions. Instead he deflected or changed the subject. to our kids. All this was being done through email. It may not be new to him however it is to me. Same old things because he lied to me the other day apparently and "came clean" yet again. Really I need to laugh because this is kind of getting comical. I lied about the lie that I told you the other day. I don't want to tell you the truth so I will pretend you didn't ask. IF you press me on it, I will lie again because I will protect myself from being hurt and ashamed of what I did. 

I am going to stop asking for the details. I am going to stop being so angry about this. I need to be a healthy person for my two younger children especially. I will not wallow in all this today. I am sure I can find something better to do~


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

5Creed said:


> Yes; his attitude has been why rehash all this "old" stuff and why don't we all just move on? It was frustrating to me last night when he wouldn't answer hardly any questions. Instead he deflected or changed the subject. to our kids. All this was being done through email. It may not be new to him however it is to me. Same old things because he lied to me the other day apparently and "came clean" yet again. Really I need to laugh because this is kind of getting comical. I lied about the lie that I told you the other day. I don't want to tell you the truth so I will pretend you didn't ask. IF you press me on it, I will lie again because I will protect myself from being hurt and ashamed of what I did.
> 
> I am going to stop asking for the details. I am going to stop being so angry about this. I need to be a healthy person for my two younger children especially. *I will not wallow in all this today.* I am sure I can find something better to do~


That's the spirit.:smthumbup:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

5Creed said:


> Yes; his attitude has been why rehash all this "old" stuff and why don't we all just move on? It was frustrating to me last night when he wouldn't answer hardly any questions. Instead he deflected or changed the subject. to our kids. All this was being done through email. It may not be new to him however it is to me. Same old things because he lied to me the other day apparently and "came clean" yet again. Really I need to laugh because this is kind of getting comical. I lied about the lie that I told you the other day. I don't want to tell you the truth so I will pretend you didn't ask. IF you press me on it, I will lie again because I will protect myself from being hurt and ashamed of what I did.
> 
> I am going to stop asking for the details. I am going to stop being so angry about this. I need to be a healthy person for my two younger children especially. I will not wallow in all this today. I am sure I can find something better to do~


Yes! and start reading;

Coming Apart, 
Why Relationship End & How to Live Through the Ending of Yours
Daphne Rose Kingma

Uncoupling 
Diane Vanghan

Choosing Me before We
Christine Arylo

Rebuilding When your Relationship Ends 
Dr. Bruce Fisher, & Dr. Robert Albert 

Will help you see there is light shinning the other way...

~sammy


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed said:


> Yes; his attitude has been why rehash all this "old" stuff and why don't we all just move on? It was frustrating to me last night when he wouldn't answer hardly any questions. Instead he deflected or changed the subject. to our kids. All this was being done through email. It may not be new to him however it is to me. Same old things because he lied to me the other day apparently and "came clean" yet again. Really I need to laugh because this is kind of getting comical. I lied about the lie that I told you the other day. I don't want to tell you the truth so I will pretend you didn't ask. IF you press me on it, I will lie again because I will protect myself from being hurt and ashamed of what I did.
> 
> I am going to stop asking for the details. I am going to stop being so angry about this. I need to be a healthy person for my two younger children especially. I will not wallow in all this today. I am sure I can find something better to do~



5Creed

You should be proud of yourself after writing this post. As I read this post I could see your strength building. Reconciliation and divorce are a process. You take one step at a time building strength as you move forward. If you get knocked back a step, shake it off and begin moving forward again. Soon you will see limbo way back in the past and you will feel much healthier. Your main goal should be improving and strengthening your weaknesses. Take time to celebrate your accomplishments in the process. You will find that your happiness comes from deep within you and not somebody else. Develope a mantra you say to yourself in the mirror every morning. Something like, I am a good person, or I am worthy, or I deserve a spouse as good as me. Say this each day until you believe it. Your self esteem and confidence will build when you realize what a great person you are. 

Never settle for anything, fight for what you want, better yourself each and every day. Challenge yourself daily, do what you thought you couldn't do, then celebrate your victories with your children. Stand up for yourself and be a role model for your children. Smile each and every day, smile to a stranger each day, if not to better yourself but for the fun of watching people's reactions! Think of success and and reject failure, have faith 5Creed, you've got this.
Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

5Creed said:


> I am going to stop asking for the details. I am going to stop being so angry about this. I need to be a healthy person for my two younger children especially. I will not wallow in all this today. I am sure I can find something better to do~


Yes, keep thinking that way. You're setting an example for your children. No one should have the power to take your happiness away from you. You are teaching them to be strong. You are showing them what respect looks like. Respect for yourself.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed

How are you holding up today? I hope you are doing well. Stay strong, you've got this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

drifting on,

Well I am not proud to say it; but today is really a down day for me. I haven't processed all of this yet so am trying to wade through this s***. The old me would ignore it and not deal; but I have learned being on my own that for me it doesn't work. It usually comes back up somehow.

I guess my main thing today is wondering how this man I married could have changed so much and turned into this stranger. I am remembering things like my youngest daughter's whole first year of kindergarten, or the trip we took to Hawaii for my parent's anniversary. There is a picture from that trip showing him concentrating on his phone texting away with the OW while we were at the airport. Phone records proved this one. 

I know I would tell anyone else that this is pointless, doesn't matter anymore, we are divorcing now and who cares. I am not there yet. I am so looking forward to the day when I am truly and honestly indifferent to all these details and the hurt I feel. Today isn't one of those days.

Thank you for asking though~it does mean something. I know I will get through it.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Geez my thoughts are all over the place today. What I meant by remembering these milestones is that the whole time he was cheating on me, lying, screwing this person and I had no clue. I thought things were fine with us at the beginning of his affair until he started pulling away from me etc. 

The other thing is that he now admits that she wasn't very intelligent to be around or as fun as me. Wish he would just shut up and not say those things to me. I am pulling a complete 180 on him unless it is a legitimate reason to discuss the children and only through text. I ignore any other questions he asks me like how I am etc. It does seem to help.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed

I'm sorry to hear you are having a down day, but you will get through it. There were times I was going from hour to hour, day to day was too long a period for me. Even in reconciliation I remember memories that will make me smile or I think where was my WW at this time. Did I happen to call her when she was with the OM? I had so many questions of what I was doing while she was with OM. Took me a long time to realize I was torturing myself with these thoughts, expending energy on something I have no chance to correct. Initially I was blindsided by her affair but she kept that secret for almost three years. I asked myself why? Why would you cheat? What was so bad that you went elsewhere? Was I that bad of a husband? Do you not love me? Are you not in love with me? How could I possibly deserve this? And the list goes on.

But one day in IC it was pointed out to me, it wasn't me, much like its not you. My confidence and self esteem at all time lows like yourself. I was told there is something broken in my WW, as there is in your WH. I, and you, can't fix what they did. It isn't within our control to fix them. I, like you, can only control myself. I'm not stronger then anyone else here, you might not be either, but we follow the path we take and give our all towards it. That is all we can do. I've been told by my IC I am a good person but I only see my flaws, I think I need to work on many things to be a better person. You might be the same way. I am my own harshest critic, I strive for perfection and I get upset if I can't be what I thought I could be. My IC has asked why I'm so hard on myself, I said because nobody else is. But you and I need to remember that we are good people and we are worthy of achieving what we want. 

You seem to be a great person 5Creed, and like myself you need to remember it wasn't your fault. Days will be difficult and you may struggle, but I believe I can make it, and I believe you will make it. So like me stop torturing yourself and accept that your WH is broken and he needs repair beyond your capabilities to fix. He hasn't even told you everything and try's to deflect your questions. That's not someone who can reconcile, that's someone with a back up plan because he just lost the best person in his life. Stay strong and best of luck. You've got this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Thank you drifting on for sharing this. My counselor has been telling me the same things. Some days I believe her and some days like today I tend to forget. I truly don't want to delve into the possibility of what else he was doing while x or y was happening at our house or in our lives. I think it would kill me to know anything else.

I know I can't control him or change what has happened. I know that I didn't step outside of our marriage. The whys are so tortuous. I am blaming myself today.

I appreciate seeing that you climbed out of it and others here did too. I will make it as I can not stay stuck in this mindset either.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed

How have you been doing the last couple of days? I hope you are doing fine, your emotions are probably all over the place lately. You have support here with many people that will help you through this difficult time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Yes; emotions all over the place! I am very busy today and that usually helps me when I feel like this. My husband is arriving tonight to see the kids and we will go back to the counselor on Monday. I am dreading this so much. Just want to say screw it. My counselor said remember why I am doing this; which is for the kids actually and setting boundaries for our "new" relationship which is co-parenting only. She was worried my husband won't come here as often if he knows that I do want to go forward with the divorce. I really don't care one way or the other as it is only upsetting. As long as my kids are OK. He was coming once a month since I have moved here to see them then switched to every two weeks since we have been seeing the counselor. I have a feeling I will bring up our conversation-"THE" conversation we had last time we saw her and I might with the intention of getting it out so he can see where I stand and why. I don't owe him that but want to put it out there anyway. Plus I get the support from the counselor. Usually I ask him something or say how I feel and I am ignored or discounted or not respected whatsoever if he doesn't agree with it. I know for a fact is someone else is there and is supportive of it then he will be too. Unfortunately my word wasn't/isn't enough.

He is the great pretender. He literally will continue with this sick mindset of his; which is we are best friends, we can hang out all weekend with the kids, he is a wonderful Dad and husband, he will buy whatever the house needs, we are able to spend holidays together and on and on. I have allowed it since it was so easy to slip back into our old roles and pretend nothing needs to be dealt with or nothing has changed. So I as well am a great pretender. He is a good Dad though; will not argue that but he doesn't need me around to do that.

With how crappy I have felt all this time and I think my own counselor has been trying to pound this into my head but not so directly-THIS is what has kept us both from moving on. Our old roles were so comfortable and I knew exactly how to be in that role. Caretaker of the family and husband. Do NOT address any problems. Just keep everything on an even keel with blinders on and it will all go away and everything is fine. That is stopping now. I want to feel better and I want to have a new role now which is being a good parent and concentrating on my kids which surprise I can do on my own!

I am so thankful this board is here and the support from others who understand all these feelings!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed

Great post!! Yes your mind will be racing but just slow down and take a deep breath. You're doing fine. It appears your strength is gathering as I read your post. Keep up the good work. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Haven't posted for a bit so thought I would give an update~in March, my two youngest kids went to spend their spring break with their Dad. My 10 year old was setting up a Skype account so she could talk to her Dad when she is here with me. She mentioned that Dad sure had a lot of friends on his Skype list! Then she told me that he was talking to his "old" girlfriend while my kids were there. I told her that I didn't think so. (He has told me that he broke up with her last summer because of his wanting to get back together with me; promised me he was not in contact with her.) She then said that they were no longer girlfriend and boyfriend but just very good friends that talked to each other a lot. 

Wow. Just wow. Even though my mind is made up about our marriage, this absolutely surprised me because he seemed very committed and remorseful and I thought he was truly 100% in this reconciliation. The thought never crossed my mind that he was still in contact with her. I had told him before he broke up with her that I would not even consider reconciliation if he was still in contact with her. Promises and assurances were made that he was done with her. So after this little revelation, I asked him if he was still in contact with her either through email or Skype and his answer was that she reached out to him in September to wish him Happy Birthday and that they had been talking since then, but she was fully aware that he wanted to get back together with me. Holy s*** I was thrown for a loop again! Damn because I had believed him before...again.

The best part about all this is I was never fully in to get back together and thank God because if I had found this out and been doing all I could to save the marriage; well you all know what that would have felt like.

We are still seeing the counselor to get all this wrapped up and to help with the kids. I did bring it up to the counselor and he honestly did not see anything wrong with what he was doing. He really isn't some vindictive evil person, but he does not understand how this works. And thankfully I do not have to deal with it. The counselor's suggestion to him was to be alone and work on himself and be comfortable alone before jumping into another relationship. He said he liked having her as his "friend" and all I could do was be glad this is not my problem anymore! I am so over the friends excuse.

I keep saying it and I keep thinking the best of him even though we are finished; but this one caught me off guard. If my daughter had not told me, I would not have believed he was talking to anyone. If anything, this situation tells me that I have made the correct decision. As usual though, it saddens me to realize I do not know this man at all. Think I am having one of those divorce grief days~


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

People do reconcile, but successfully? I'm very skeptical and would never try it again, no way to sufficiently trust, it's destroyed. I got badly burned by my ex with R. You would have had to be the marriage police. Seems that majority of POS cheaters get a taste of it and it's like crack to them. Sorry this happened to you, but thanks goodness you're thinking clearly and running from him.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

On 4-23-2015 -


5Creed said:


> Haven't posted for a bit so thought I would give an update~in March, my two youngest kids went to spend their spring break with their Dad. My 10 year old was setting up a Skype account so she could talk to her Dad when she is here with me. She mentioned that Dad sure had a lot of friends on his Skype list! Then she told me that he was talking to his "old" girlfriend while my kids were there. I told her that I didn't think so. (He has told me that he broke up with her last summer because of his wanting to get back together with me; promised me he was not in contact with her.) She then said that they were no longer girlfriend and boyfriend but just very good friends that talked to each other a lot.
> 
> Wow. Just wow. Even though my mind is made up about our marriage, this absolutely surprised me because he seemed very committed and remorseful and I thought he was truly 100% in this reconciliation. The thought never crossed my mind that he was still in contact with her. I had told him before he broke up with her that I would not even consider reconciliation if he was still in contact with her. Promises and assurances were made that he was done with her. So after this little revelation, I asked him if he was still in contact with her either through email or Skype and his answer was that she reached out to him in September to wish him Happy Birthday and that they had been talking since then, but she was fully aware that he wanted to get back together with me. Holy s*** I was thrown for a loop again! Damn because I had believed him before...again.
> 
> ...


On 2-26-2015


5Creed said:


> Yes; emotions all over the place! I am very busy today and that usually helps me when I feel like this. My husband is arriving tonight to see the kids and we will go back to the counselor on Monday. I am dreading this so much. Just want to say screw it. My counselor said remember why I am doing this; which is for the kids actually and setting boundaries for our "new" relationship which is co-parenting only. She was worried my husband won't come here as often if he knows that I do want to go forward with the divorce. I really don't care one way or the other as it is only upsetting. As long as my kids are OK. He was coming once a month since I have moved here to see them then switched to every two weeks since we have been seeing the counselor. I have a feeling I will bring up our conversation-"THE" conversation we had last time we saw her and I might with the intention of getting it out so he can see where I stand and why. I don't owe him that but want to put it out there anyway. Plus I get the support from the counselor. Usually I ask him something or say how I feel and I am ignored or discounted or not respected whatsoever if he doesn't agree with it. I know for a fact is someone else is there and is supportive of it then he will be too. Unfortunately my word wasn't/isn't enough.
> 
> He is the great pretender. He literally will continue with this sick mindset of his; which is we are best friends, we can hang out all weekend with the kids, he is a wonderful Dad and husband, he will buy whatever the house needs, we are able to spend holidays together and on and on. I have allowed it since it was so easy to slip back into our old roles and pretend nothing needs to be dealt with or nothing has changed. So I as well am a great pretender. He is a good Dad though; will not argue that but he doesn't need me around to do that.
> 
> ...



Your last two postings express some very different thoughts and emotions.

Does that mean that you are in serious conflict within yourself?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

2asdf2: No; only accepting that the marriage is indeed ending. If anything, I am more sure than ever that I have made the right choice to end things. The counselor told him that he has been acting like a sneaky teenage boy and his maturity level with this has shown that. I feel it would take years to "fix" him but I am unwilling to live like that and am relieved that I no longer have to!


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

5Creed said:


> 2asdf2: No; only accepting that the marriage is indeed ending. If anything, I am more sure than ever that I have made the right choice to end things. The counselor told him that he has been acting like a sneaky teenage boy and his maturity level with this has shown that. I feel it would take years to "fix" him but I am unwilling to live like that and am relieved that I no longer have to!


I can buy that.

But:

Why do you care who he is friends with?

If you have made it so clear that you are done with him, why would he keep to the commitment of no-contact?


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

He's stuck in adolescent mode with his relationships. He never got past puberty and into man-hood.

He is what he is. Nothing will change. Same promises, same results.

Its his version of Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick.

Its his nature.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

PBDad-Yes this is exactly where he is according to the counselor.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I do not care at all who he is friends with now. My point was we were supposedly reconciling before where the no contact was promised. He said he wanted nothing more than to get back together with me and would do all he could. So my point was how surprising it was to me that he again got one over on me. I already decided that I was done in February when he finally told me the truth about his co-worker and having sex with her. 

Since last September when we were attempting to work things out is how long it was since he had been talking to his old girlfriend who lives overseas-after he promised in counseling there was no contact between them. It isn't that he was talking to her; but more that again I was old a lie and believed it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> I can buy that.
> 
> But:
> 
> ...


It's because he has friends he shouldn't have. And some of them are friends he said he didn't have.

Creates trust issues, right there.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Again, if you have made it so clear that you are done with him, why would he keep to the commitment of no-contact?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I will try to explain this again: I was done with him in February. He had been in contact with his ex-girlfriend that he promised he wasn't talking to when we were trying to reconcile before February. My whole point of the update was not that he was contacting her; because no it doesn't matter anymore- but that all the time he was telling me he wanted to get back together with me he was talking to her. So really we were in a false reconciliation up until February. 

I have known this man for almost 30 years. I was only posting that I was surprised he had been telling me yet another story. So it does not matter who he talks to and is free to do it.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

The timeline was not clear to me. I now understand.


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## malagacoast (Feb 2, 2015)

drifting on said:


> 5Creed
> 
> :iagree:
> But one day in IC it was pointed out to me, it wasn't me, much like its not you. My confidence and self esteem at all time lows like yourself. I was told there is something broken in my WW, as there is in your WH. I, and you, can't fix what they did. It isn't within our control to fix them. I, like you, can only control myself. I'm not stronger then anyone else here, you might not be either, but we follow the path we take and give our all towards it. That is all we can do. I've been told by my IC I am a good person but I only see my flaws, I think I need to work on many things to be a better person. You might be the same way. I am my own harshest critic, I strive for perfection and I get upset if I can't be what I thought I could be. My IC has asked why I'm so hard on myself, I said because nobody else is. But you and I need to remember that we are good people and we are worthy of achieving what we want.
> ...


:iagree:


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Cheaters lie. 

I'm sorry but it seems you are still to attached to your husband and his words. They're all lies. 

Detach, treat yourselves as single. 

The sky is blue= a lie. 

You have to get out of his head and your head. Focus on something needed to move on for you even if it's scrubbing the tile with a toothbrush. 

He lies.


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