# Husband using our teenage son to get to me



## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

A quick summary. I filed for divorce a month ago, so far my attorney hasn't even served my husband with divorce papers...
My son is starting college this year. Since my husband found out about the divorce, he said he will NOT be bringing our son home for the weekend or holidays from college. The drive is 2 hours. All on highway. The drive is long and not an easy one. Heavy traffic. I can't drive such long distances due to I have an old car (my husband purchased himself brand new cars every 3 years).... our son doesn't drive on highway well (he's a brand new driver). So neither I or our son can drive home.or to university... so now my husband says to me : "I will not be bringing him home"....he made that decision without consulting with me just to get me upset/mad. He said : "I'll just go visit him there" (on his own without me) Can he do that? Our son is 18-years-old

I did not show that I am mad, but he did notice that I was upset. Now he takes our son and does EVERYTHING with him all weekends long! If he didn't ride a bike with him, now they ride bikes EVERY DAY, they go to places, to stores. What he's doing, he's alianating me. So on weekends, I end up sitting at home or working and he's doing stuff with our son as "buddy buddy" type. Although he's a financial abuser who is earning well over $100k! I just paid for our son's dentist $3000 and I complained to my husband : "I don't know how to I am going to pay this bill" and my husband just sat there quiet.... I was a stay at home wife/mother for 18 years... had to pay for those teeth from my personal savings since my husband never gave me an allowance.

What do you guys think? I am worrying about this attorney who promises the moon but it's been a month and hasn't done anything yet. I hate that my husband is retaliating at me through our son!


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

anna2020 said:


> A quick summary. I filed for divorce a month ago, so far my attorney hasn't even served my husband with divorce papers...
> My son is starting college this year. Since my husband found out about the divorce, he said he will NOT be bringing our son home for the weekend or holidays from college. The drive is 2 hours. All on highway. The drive is long and not an easy one. Heavy traffic. I can't drive such long distances due to I have an old car (my husband purchased himself brand new cars every 3 years).... our son doesn't drive on highway well (he's a brand new driver). So neither I or our son can drive home.or to university... so now my husband says to me : "I will not be bringing him home"....he made that decision without consulting with me just to get me upset/mad. He said : "I'll just go visit him there" (on his own without me) Can he do that? Our son is 18-years-old
> 
> I did not show that I am mad, but he did notice that I was upset. Now he takes our son and does EVERYTHING with him all weekends long! If he didn't ride a bike with him, now they ride bikes EVERY DAY, they go to places, to stores. What he's doing, he's alianating me. So on weekends, I end up sitting at home or working and he's doing stuff with our son as "buddy buddy" type. Although he's a financial abuser who is earning well over $100k! I just paid for our son's dentist $3000 and I complained to my husband : "I don't know how to I am going to pay this bill" and my husband just sat there quiet.... I was a stay at home wife/mother for 18 years... had to pay for those teeth from my personal savings since my husband never gave me an allowance.
> ...


Check with the lawyer and ask why haven't they served your husband yet. If you don't get a satisfying answer, just look for another lawyer. How did your husband learn about the divorce? Why don't you schedule activities with your son and spend time with him just like your husband is doing? How is this alienating from your son? Is he badmouthing you when they are together? It couldn't be a bad thing for your son to spend time with his dad, but if he is badmouthing you, then he is manipulating your son and it's not good for anyone in the long term. 

Re: expense. All this should be presented to the lawyer. He can't get away with any of it. The faster you can get the divorce processed, the better for you, especially financially. He can't keep the fancy car and leave you with the old car. It has to be fair once you divorce and divide assets and everything else. 
So your first step is to check with your lawyer ASAP! You can't just wait for her like this. If she still want to charge you an hour even if you speak on the phone for 5 minutes, just cancel the contract and find another lawyer. Get your money back from her and find an efficient lawyer.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

anna2020 said:


> A quick summary. I filed for divorce a month ago, so far my attorney hasn't even served my husband with divorce papers...
> My son is starting college this year. Since my husband found out about the divorce, he said he will NOT be bringing our son home for the weekend or holidays from college. The drive is 2 hours. All on highway. The drive is long and not an easy one. Heavy traffic. I can't drive such long distances due to I have an old car (my husband purchased himself brand new cars every 3 years).... our son doesn't drive on highway well (he's a brand new driver). So neither I or our son can drive home.or to university... so now my husband says to me : "I will not be bringing him home"....he made that decision without consulting with me just to get me upset/mad. He said : "I'll just go visit him there" (on his own without me) Can he do that? Our son is 18-years-old
> 
> I did not show that I am mad, but he did notice that I was upset. Now he takes our son and does EVERYTHING with him all weekends long! If he didn't ride a bike with him, now they ride bikes EVERY DAY, they go to places, to stores. What he's doing, he's alianating me. So on weekends, I end up sitting at home or working and he's doing stuff with our son as "buddy buddy" type. Although he's a financial abuser who is earning well over $100k! I just paid for our son's dentist $3000 and I complained to my husband : "I don't know how to I am going to pay this bill" and my husband just sat there quiet.... I was a stay at home wife/mother for 18 years... had to pay for those teeth from my personal savings since my husband never gave me an allowance.
> ...


Why would your husband consult you about decisions like that? If you want your son home from college, organise it. The boy is 18, surely he can figure it out? Catch a bus/train/fly? I do think it's a bit odd he doesn't seem willing to bring him home to his place, but I do understand him not driving back and forth for you. Your his soon to be ex, you filed for divorce, this is the reality of divorce.

I also don't understand how his spending time with your son is alienating the boy from you? Badmouthing you would be alienating you and would be a disgusting thing to do, but it's not clear that that's what he's doing.

Any expenses like the braces for your son should be split 50/50, that's not fair, the boy has two parents. Can you explain how he's a financial abuser?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your son is an adult and at this point in his life he needs to learn to be independent. That means if he wants to come home and visit with his mom(you) he should figure it out. You also need to accept he may not want to come home very often, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it means he is building his own life. His visits should have nothing to do with your stbx.

I say all that because you as well need to learn to live independent of your husband(soon to be ex). You no longer have any expectation that he should work to your benefit or do anything to make your life easier. It boils down to you are no longer his respondsibility.

Is it ****ty of him to play games with you? Absolutly and that's a shame on him. All the more reason to stop depending on him, you won't have any peace until you take away his power to influence your life.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Cooper said:


> Your son is an adult and at this point in his life he needs to learn to be independent. That means if he wants to come home and visit with his mom(you) he should figure it out. You also need to accept he may not want to come home very often, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it means he is building his own life. His visits should have nothing to do with your stbx.
> 
> I say all that because you as well need to learn to live independent of your husband(soon to be ex). You no longer have any expectation that he should work to your benefit or do anything to make your life easier. It boils down to you are no longer his respondsibility.
> 
> *Is it ****ty of him to play games with you? Absolutly and that's a shame on him.* All the more reason to stop depending on him, you won't have any peace until you take away his power to influence your life.


Is he playing games though? How is spending time with their son playing games with his ex? What's to stop her from making plans with the son?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

frusdil said:


> Why would your husband consult you about decisions like that? If you want your son home from college, organise it. The boy is 18, surely he can figure it out? Catch a bus/train/fly? I do think it's a bit odd he doesn't seem willing to bring him home to his place, but I do understand him not driving back and forth for you. Your his soon to be ex, you filed for divorce, this is the reality of divorce.
> 
> I also don't understand how his spending time with your son is alienating the boy from you? Badmouthing you would be alienating you and would be a disgusting thing to do, but it's not clear that that's what he's doing.
> 
> Any expenses like the braces for your son should be split 50/50, that's not fair, the boy has two parents. Can you explain how he's a financial abuser?


I'd say that pretty much sums up my take on this as well.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

frusdil said:


> Is he playing games though? How is spending time with their son playing games with his ex? What's to stop her from making plans with the son?


Yes the wife/son should be the ones making plans if they want to visit, there is no reason the dad needs to be involved, that's what I said in my post. 

I have no idea if the dad is truly "playing games", but the OP did say her husband told her he wouldn't be bringing the son home to visit. I believe she was insinuating he was doing that to punish her, but there could be other reasons he isn't going to bring the son home.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

He won't be doing anything for your benefit any more because you are divorcing him.

There is no reason he would bring you on his visits to your adult son because you are divorcing him.

I think you need to think harder about what it means to be divorced.

Regarding the financial situation, you are likely entitled to a portion of the marital assets, you're lawyer should be able to help you get the funds while the divorce proceeds.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Him visiting son at school = 4 hour drive. Him bringing son home and bringing him back = 8 hour drive. I wouldn’t plan on doing that too often either. Was your husband involved in the school selection process? Did he voice a concern about the distance previously? Most dorms actually close for Thanksgiving break and then again mid December for winter break so your son won’t have an option to just stay there and will have to find a way home one way or another. If your husband dropped dead tomorrow you would need to figure it out, so figure it out. Rent a car for the trip if the condition of yours is the issue.

Many parents get super involved with their kids the summer before they leave for school. All of a sudden the reality that their child is grown and they are running out of time with them hits. Since he is also facing a divorce it isn’t really surprising that he is trying to hold on to something by spending more time with your son.

When you are going through divorce it is hard not to view everything they do as a personal attack and more proof that they are a monster. It might be an attack, or it might not have anything to do with you. But looking at everything that way is exhausting and will take a toll on your health. It is likely he is looking at your actions the same way. Try to take a step back from the crazy-making thinking and just focus on what you need to do.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Op…I hope you are still reading and paying attention, especially to the last couple of posts. I know it’s not easy to read but they are spot on. Divorce is just that. You will not be able to lean on your X for anything. 

Legally, on what’s court ordered. Emotionally, NOTHING. 

Time to put your big girl panties on and figure it out. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

Cooper said:


> Yes the wife/son should be the ones making plans if they want to visit, there is no reason the dad needs to be involved, that's what I said in my post.
> 
> I have no idea if the dad is truly "playing games", but the OP did say her husband told her he wouldn't be bringing the son home to visit. I believe she was insinuating he was doing that to punish her, but there could be other reasons he isn't going to bring the son home.


At first he said he'd bring our son home. Then when he found out about the divorce he said he will NOT bring him home! He said only HE will go on his own, visit our son and that's it! He's been showing us "who's the boss" yesterday he denied our son to buy an ice cream... he is earning more than $100k a year....


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

anna2020 said:


> A quick summary. I filed for divorce a month ago, so far my attorney hasn't even served my husband with divorce papers...
> My son is starting college this year. Since my husband found out about the divorce, he said he will NOT be bringing our son home for the weekend or holidays from college. The drive is 2 hours. All on highway. The drive is long and not an easy one. Heavy traffic. I can't drive such long distances due to I have an old car (my husband purchased himself brand new cars every 3 years).... our son doesn't drive on highway well (he's a brand new driver). So neither I or our son can drive home.or to university... so now my husband says to me : "I will not be bringing him home"....he made that decision without consulting with me just to get me upset/mad. He said : "I'll just go visit him there" (on his own without me) Can he do that? Our son is 18-years-old
> 
> I did not show that I am mad, but he did notice that I was upset. Now he takes our son and does EVERYTHING with him all weekends long! If he didn't ride a bike with him, now they ride bikes EVERY DAY, they go to places, to stores. What he's doing, he's alianating me. So on weekends, I end up sitting at home or working and he's doing stuff with our son as "buddy buddy" type. Although he's a financial abuser who is earning well over $100k! I just paid for our son's dentist $3000 and I complained to my husband : "I don't know how to I am going to pay this bill" and my husband just sat there quiet.... I was a stay at home wife/mother for 18 years... had to pay for those teeth from my personal savings since my husband never gave me an allowance.
> ...


You chose the divorce, now you have to live as if separate from your husband, he has no obligation to make your life easier, that is the reality.
Why not get a bus or a train to the place your son lives or ask a friend to make a weekend of it and go. Where there is a will there is always a way.
You have to now stand on your own two feet and get a new attorney if possible to process your divorce and the terms of how your son will be supported throughout college, in the divorce papers. get it all in black and white. For how many years, what expenses, etc. 
You sound like you still expect your STBXH to be supportive and helpful etc., he wasn't when your were married, why should he be now. The quicker you realize this, the better for you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s interesting that you haven’t mentioned why you’re divorcing your husband. Is there a reason for not being forthcoming with pertinent information?

The days of your husband making your life easier are over when you divorce him. That’s just reality. You getting upset because he’s spending time with his son— well you took yourself out of his life (I’m sure there’s a good reason, although it hasn’t been mentioned)—- so he’s devoting all that time to his son. That seems healthy to me.

lots of unanswered questions here.


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