# abusive dad back in picture



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I have hidden the hurt and surprise and I have no clue how to or if I need to address this:
My first H was abusive. He used to kick the kids for discipline, try to control them with fear and ignore them when other things were going good in his life. He stole money from them, cancelled their health care to save $25 a month and always f*cked me over with child support. That's the short version. I did thr legal run-around with police, social services and family court to minimize his unsupervised time with our kids.
For the past two years my son has referred to his step dad as his dad. We do have some family issues with step dad being hyper-critical, but he financially assisted my son to buy his first car (gift not loan), and helped him anyway he can using connections for nice rims, subs, window tint and all the teenage stuff for cars.
Well my ex screwed me over for child support and my H said, doesn't matter, I'll help with kids and we'll be a family.
Well all it took was one golf invite and off goes my son. 3 years of no acknowledgement at Christmas or birthdays and all is good.
I know it's his dad. I know I'm allowed to feel whatever I want but I feel kicked in the gut. It isn't pretty or mature. Do I do anything or just let it play out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

His dad sounds like a d-bag, however it is totally normal for a child to want a relationship with their biological parent. There is some kind of bond between kids and their biological parents that cannot be replaced with a step-parent in most cases. I'm a parent and step-parent and know this first hand.

He will figure out on his own what type of a person his dad is without any help (or negative info) from you. Just be there for him if and when he is disappointed in his dad. You don't need to tell him "I told you so" or do anything to make him feel guilty or disloyal or stupid for connecting with his dad. This is about him and his need to know his dad, not a dis he's making to you or your husband.

I'm sorry he has a jerk for a dad. Trust that he knows all you and your husband have done for him. And if for some reason his dad has changed and can be there for him, too, all the better....though not likely.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Kids can experience their parents and decide for themselves.
If they are older and you have taught them to self-advocate and also to know how to handle situations like drunk driving or yelling or kicking or even bad talk about someone else or fishing for information, then you have everything to gain and nearly nothing to lose. I gave a free rein to my son to visit his dad starting at age 10 it had not happened since age 2 so I sent him with his older half-sister. Over the years he visited his dad from time to time and came to the same conclusion I did. I was very supportive of the visits. I liked the stepmom and former stepdaughter who looked after him (she was an adult at the time) so it ended up being good for him. If he doesn't have contact he might get into fantasizing and that's not good either, for many reasons.


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