# How can I get him to admit we have a problem



## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

I think my husband is suffering from either early onset ED or PE. He says he either doesn't have a problem or blames me saying the sex is too good. This is sooo frustrating to me. Anything I do such as talking during the act or topping and taking control sends him over the top. Any suggestions ??


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

How old is he? General health? Any new meds?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

He's trying too hard (no pun intended). Sometimes he'll get it up for you and it'll all be fine, but the manner of his mental readiness doesn't match up with his body. 

Hard to describe, but I've been there. Generally is something that shows up after relationship trauma (for me anyway). Not sure what the cure is, either.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

More info needed...

How can he have ED and PE?

I don't see how the two go together.

Sounds like he just has PE. He needs to learn how to control himself. It can be done.

And by the way - guys should not do this by using mental imagery to "turn themselves off." There are physical techniques that are so much better, and who wants to be making love to someone who is thinking about actuarial tables while they are doing you?

Hell, just the idea that someone is doing that is a turn off.

Back to the OP. He can't get it back up for you after he has orgasmed? He should try some supplements. There are some good ones out there.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

catch22gofigure said:


> I think my husband is suffering from either early onset ED or PE. He says he either doesn't have a problem or *blames me saying the sex is too good.* This is sooo frustrating to me. Anything I do such as talking during the act or topping and taking control sends him over the top. Any suggestions ??


WTF? I can see the argument now... "Honey, I have a bone to pick with you." "What's the matter? What did I do?". "Well, the sex we had last night was just too good. Now my Lecherous Larry just turned into my Hibernating Harry"...

The day your spouse has a complaint about the sex being too good is the day you need to punch him in the face - metaphorically of course.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

The sad fact is you can't make someone face their issues. All you can do is live your life to the fullest and work on your own self.

My heart goes out to you. My H sometimes has PE, and also occasionally ED (he has a prescription for that). He's told me the same thing, "you're too sexy and i couldnt control myself". But he is happy to do tantra and karezza with me, get his prescription, explore dominating me to feel more mojo, etc. 

It sounds like your man has a lot of sexual shame, poor guy. :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

If he is getting older this isn't all that uncommon. I have gone through the same thing with big guy. One day it seems litle a marathon to get him going and then another to get him to the finish line! The next day all I have to do is look at him and he is jumping my bones and I swear a tornado just went by and I am running to make sure I don't miss it.....sometimes it feels like your married to two different men and you don't know which one your going to find each day when you get up....;-) 

I guess if we get menapause they get....they get the mid-life thing. Thats what I keep telling myself atleast. Atleast I am getting my exercise..;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> How old is he? General health? Any new meds?


He's 35 ...has has one bout with Afib but won't go bk to the dr.


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> He's trying too hard (no pun intended). Sometimes he'll get it up for you and it'll all be fine, but the manner of his mental readiness doesn't match up with his body.
> 
> Hard to describe, but I've been there. Generally is something that shows up after relationship trauma (for me anyway). Not sure what the cure is, either.


Thanks for your insight anyway. Im grasping at straws right now in this.


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> More info needed...
> 
> How can he have ED and PE?
> 
> ...


Im not saying he does. I don't know. ..he doesn't want to admit there's a problem. Im asking or wondering does he. Yes he/I can get it bk up...but often its the same result. He says something is up with me because I can on occasion pull 3 out of him in one night. Two most of the time. .. but whyyy soooo quickly.? ? It's so frustrating


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> WTF? I can see the argument now... "Honey, I have a bone to pick with you." "What's the matter? What did I do?". "Well, the sex we had last night was just too good. Now my Lecherous Larry just turned into my Hibernating Harry"...
> 
> The day your spouse has a complaint about the sex being too good is the day you need to punch him in the face - metaphorically of course.


Thank you !!! Its Ludacris...he just refuses to accept it him! ! Oh you shouldn't have done this or you shouldn't have done that...blah blah blahh . You know this makes me..blah blah... bump that!!


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

salamander said:


> The sad fact is you can't make someone face their issues. All you can do is live your life to the fullest and work on your own self.
> 
> My heart goes out to you. My H sometimes has PE, and also occasionally ED (he has a prescription for that). He's told me the same thing, "you're too sexy and i couldnt control myself". But he is happy to do tantra and karezza with me, get his prescription, explore dominating me to feel more mojo, etc.
> 
> ...


Yes !! I wish I knew where the shame stemmed from. Im more than willing to help...but my hands are tied if he won't admit and not allow me to. When its good its good......but when its bad; its badddddd.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

I addressed it via, "I'd like you to master me when I put my collar on."

We've had many interesting sexual adventures since I put that collar on, and I have full control of taking it off. We use green-yellow-red as safewords. green is woohoo, it's the sound of the champagne cork and, "let's get freaky baby!"

yellow is ugh, this feels skeezy, please let's exit scene and talk!!! it's not the end of the world, nor the end of the scene, it's merely an interruption and clarification.

red is please give me aftercare NOW.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Is your guy a Catholic?

mine is/was, and he has allllll kinda sexual hangups hiding in his freaky closet....


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Nope not catholic...and i know he wouldn't go for this method. He "agrees" to stuff or talks about doing stuff...just never follows through. A friend of mine says that he is intimidated by my strong personality. Could this have something to do as well with him finishing so fast?


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## toxxik (May 20, 2013)

We went thru this a couple of times in the past year and it made for some really rough times. PE didn't even begin to describe it, both times happened about 10minutes into foreplay and DH offered up no apologies or excuses, he just rolled over and started snoring the first time and the second time he thought he could hide it from me (seriously???) and I immediately called him out. Yes it embarrassed him but that was minor compared to the fact he didn't seem to care about how hurtful his lack of addressing the situation was. There was a full week of the silent treatment each time and the last time I finally lost it. I started out with a good bit of liquid courage for the evening and got it all in the open, his lack of concern, the lying and hiding and all the hurt feelings since I felt like I just didn't matter. It was a rough night but things have improved since then. I wish you the best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Same way I did with my wife... corner the spouse in the kitchen don't let them leave and get them to admit....

1.There is an issue.

2.That it needs to be fully resolved.

3. In a timely fashion.

From that point forward there will be results over time. Hold your spouse accountable.
Make them face reality and commit to solving the issue.

Don't let them minimize it get their word and use it against them if needed down the road. Spouses tend to rationalize their bad decisions/behaviors don't let them. When it affects both of you someone has to be the adult and set the rules.


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Same way I did with my wife... corner the spouse in the kitchen don't let them leave and get them to admit....
> 
> 1.There is an issue.
> 
> ...


I've tried this... this has been an issue off and on for years. Only when the meds for Afib made it not do anything, did he attempt to seek help. Then the dang dr. Was like "you're much to young to start treatment for that " so once he was weaned off the heart meds....(something else that he could give blame to ) then back to the same ol same ol. Smh... guess I should just give up trying.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Guys feel HORRIBLE about PE and ED. It is the most mortifying thing ever, to have a **** that doesnt work how/when a guy wants it to. It is seriously one of the worst sensations a man can have, according to my sources.

Any lover of a man with c*ck issues must tread with the utmost of care. Leave a lot unspoken, and research everything avidly yourself. present any findings in a festive, hey lets try this type of way. Well that's how I have the best luck presenting super-personal critiques!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

salamander said:


> Is your guy a Catholic?
> 
> mine is/was, and he has allllll kinda sexual hangups hiding in his freaky closet....


You know the Catholics have a saint for everything except PE, and that's coming quickly.....


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

salamander said:


> Guys feel HORRIBLE about PE and ED. It is the most mortifying thing ever, to have a **** that doesnt work how/when a guy wants it to. It is seriously one of the worst sensations a man can have, according to my sources.
> 
> Any lover of a man with c*ck issues must tread with the utmost of care. Leave a lot unspoken, and research everything avidly yourself. present any findings in a festive, hey lets try this type of way. Well that's how I have the best luck presenting super-personal critiques!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So basically he's not igging me...he's just embarrassed about it ?
Well since I've went on and on about it in the past...i guess i better just zip it up about it and get to reading even more books than I already am huh...?


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

When faced with powerless situations, I start studying Chopra's "The Law of Detachment". The Law of Detachment | The Chopra Center

So, recently, H and I talked about his increasing ED. (The PE has been since day one, off and on, with awesome streaks and very disappointing streaks. He has Average to High Drive.) And I told him I love and accept him even when he can't get it up.

then I proved it to him by humping him like a pillow, and cumming on his non-erect penis.

It sounds bizarre, and maybe TMI or even gross. But it's not. It's love. And now he believes me. Even when he can't get it up, he can still sexually and emotionally satisfy me.


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

salamander said:


> When faced with powerless situations, I start studying Chopra's "The Law of Detachment". The Law of Detachment | The Chopra Center
> 
> So, recently, H and I talked about his increasing ED. (The PE has been since day one, off and on, with awesome streaks and very disappointing streaks. He has Average to High Drive.) And I told him I love and accept him even when he can't get it up.
> 
> ...


Now that idea I like !! He let me know that he's been checking his blood pressure frequently at work and its been a little high. He won't go to the dr...blames it on th high temps outside. ...but maybe this is the most recent culprit. It attempts to get up....just not a rock solid up. Kinda flimpsy up... Im not sure what his deal has been so for the last couple of days i haven't initiated. Those same last couple of days he's been kinda acting as if he wants to..but can't or something. Lots of spooning while napping and sleeping. Much more than we ever have in a lonnnggg while. A lot of trying to hold me tight while spooning. .but no real "action". I dont understand and have been known to give him the to heck with it attitude. Something I don't want to do anymore as Im trying to change my bad habits. Should I initiate? He's acting like he did back when he was on the Afib meds. That wouldn't dare allow him even a 2% hardness. Im confused and this is so important to me . Just looking for some hard-core advice.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Let him please you without the penis. This is how we are dealing with H's ED issues. Since we started this technique he is almost always hard. We removed the importance of the penis to my sexual pleasure and the problem is resolving itself. Make no mistake about the negative impact this can have on a man's confidence and sexual identity. You don't want your crappy attitude to turn this into a sexless marriage which is what happened to us. Be patient and come jp with ways to orgasm that don't involve his penis. He will gain his confidence which is 90% of the battle.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

doubletrouble said:


> *He's trying too hard*.


is that a diagnosis after reading 3 sentences?


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

"SHAME: Restoring Integrity

GIFTS: Atonement ~ Integrity ~ Self-respect ~ Behavioral change

ACTION REQUIRED: Shame arises to help you moderate your behavior and make sure that you don’t hurt, embarrass, destabilize, or dehumanize yourself or others. Shame is a tricky emotion, because most of us learned about shame by being shamed. The healing practice for shame is to root out inauthentic and applied shame, and to encourage authentic, appropriate, and healthy shame (and remorse) in yourself and others.

THE INTERNAL QUESTIONS: Who has been hurt? What must be made right?"
Embracing guilt and shame « Karla McLaren

Sometimes men are taught having sex is disrespecting or violating their lover, even if their lover would not agree.

Who taught him that at how young an age?
Is that message getting repeated or amplified somehow by his media or environment?
Was he violated at some point, and so could never bring himself to do that to you, the one he loves?

The late Debbie Ford has some amazing resources for doing the shadow work of dispelling toxic shame. - Debbie Ford


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

catch22gofigure said:


> Now that idea I like !! He let me know that he's been checking his blood pressure frequently at work and its been a little high. He won't go to the dr...blames it on th high temps outside. ...but maybe this is the most recent culprit. It attempts to get up....just not a rock solid up. Kinda flimpsy up... Im not sure what his deal has been so for the last couple of days i haven't initiated. Those same last couple of days he's been kinda acting as if he wants to..but can't or something. Lots of spooning while napping and sleeping. Much more than we ever have in a lonnnggg while. A lot of trying to hold me tight while spooning. .but no real "action". I dont understand and have been known to give him the to heck with it attitude. Something I don't want to do anymore as Im trying to change my bad habits. Should I initiate? He's acting like he did back when he was on the Afib meds. That wouldn't dare allow him even a 2% hardness. Im confused and this is so important to me . Just looking for some hard-core advice.





salamander said:


> "SHAME: Restoring Integrity
> 
> GIFTS: Atonement ~ Integrity ~ Self-respect ~ Behavioral change
> 
> ...


Amazing !! Thanks so much. I don't want to cause any further damage or shame for him.Tully grateful for the resource material


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

I hope it helps! Here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Thanks, its so frustrating


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

I posted this on my other thread but I MUST share it here:

Almost certain now its H blood pressure. Tricked him into checking it earlier 143/91....ugggg and he still refuses to go to the dr....smh So now not only am intimately frustrated this man is ill and refusing help...aiii aiii aiiii I give up , whats a 

NEWSFLASH !!!!!!!!!!!! 
AS i was typing this he calls from work and says...i think this bp thing is messing with my manhood !!!!! PROGRESS ,ADMISSION, i can work with this......whew !!!!!


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