# O.L.D. decision making



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I'm feeling overwhelmed with this online dating thing lately. I started out on Match late last year, and wasn't a fan of it, so now I'm on Bumble. I like this one because it gives the power to women to initiate conversations. So, I've met a few men, most haven't turned out to be anything other than a coffee/drink/walk outing, and that's okay. I've met 3 contenders though, and am having a problem narrowing it down. I'm notorious for choosing the wrong man, and would really like to NOT do that this time. How does one make that decision?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Why do you have to narrow it down? I would keep seeing them all and rule them out as you see fit. This is what dating is IMO.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

IMO one decides that NO ONE is better than the wrong one. And then one is happy alone until the right one is found.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Date all of them a few times and decide which one you have the best spark with, then see if he's also narrowed his choices with women down to you being his top pick too.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Dating is the process of narrowing it down. Way too many narrow it down before they start dating and that is where most problems start.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

And trust me the men are doing the same thing so don’t feel bad about it and there is no need to tell the man what your doing unless he asks specifically.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Online dating,is this what the world is coming to.
I remember the good old days when you picked up a woman in a bar or nightclub,maybe a gym or even an elevator.
Now it’s so complicated lol.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

In this situation, your past and your doubts, I agree with the recommendations. Don't even think about 'choosing' now, don't rush it, take your time and you should get a better sense over time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Online dating,is this what the world is coming to.
> I remember the good old days when you picked up a woman in a bar or nightclub,maybe a gym or even an elevator.
> Now it’s so complicated lol.


Yes, complicated.

Now you have others to compare any and all too.

Under a bright light and with all the manly data points to observe, none of them seem cut it.

You set the bar too high for most, too low for the ones that tickle your fancy.

The good ones are sleepers, they surprise you when they open their wings, not so much their mouth.

The sleepers look ordinary until they open their throttle, open their heart..

When your fun meter and your fuzz basket gets continually stroked, you miss out on the little things, the small looks, the small niceties a man offers.

Your mind and your fuzz buzzing basket get numb from all the little attentive pats and such. 

Take a break. 
Live for yourself for a short time. 

Let the hotness subside, cool off.


The Typist I-


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

OLD can be weary even to those who enjoy it most the time. Take a break from time to time. It allows you to come back with fresh perspective .


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Do you ever meet guys IRL? I've found that is a better way of doing things because you know right away if you have a spark. Plus you get to flirt, which is amazingly fun.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

A few things helped me with choosing well, but no matter what, it takes time spent with prospects to learn about them. And even if you choose to be exclusive with someone, you have to be able to walk away if a serious issue arises that can't be fixed. You CAN'T change someone, and it's hard for someone to change themselves. Never forget that, and be ready to move on if this kind of serious problem comes to light.

The first thing that helped me - very much - was knowing my personality type (Meyers-Briggs is particularly good for this, as it isn't about diagnosing disorders). Learn your own type, and then what types best match your type. (In brief, xNxx types should almost never date xSxx types, only other xNxx types.) I'm INTJ. ALL of my best matches were with INFJ.

The best insights I found in all other aspects of compatibility were addressed in the book "Are you the one for me" by Barbara DeAngelis. Find it, read it, do the exercises (most are fun!), and apply the lessons to anyone you date, and ask them about things to find out their views, past experiences, and behaviors. It seems to work - it certainly did for me! It may not be widely known, but I have yet to find anything more pragmatically useful.

Again, once you do the above and find a match, time will tell if they really are compatible. Dealing with stressful events shows true colors - anything from a spontaneous road trip, to a serious illness will reveal character.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Once again you’re trying to narrow when you should widen your loop.

Don’t settle on one until you have reason to believe they are a superb person and have a track record of treating people well, especially under duress.

Your bf’s bail at the slightest stress. Find one that doesn’t bail on people without logic and forethought.

Don’t date alcoholics, drug addicts, or pot smokers or gamblers.
Date people who seem to have their lives together.

Ursula, date from a mindset of abundance rather than scarcity.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Online dating,is this what the world is coming to.
> I remember the good old days when you picked up a woman in a bar or nightclub,maybe a gym or even an elevator.
> Now it’s so complicated lol.


(Coming from someone who has never dated online, because I am married.)

I think that OLD might actually be better than how we picked (or accepted) a date in the "good old days." In the old days, a person dated someone without knowing much about them except that they were good looking, had personal hygiene and mannerisms that fit one' standards, and maybe you knew where they worked. The rest you had to find out by actually being around them...on dates.

Now one can know a WHOLE lot more about the prospective date before ever meeting face to face. I think that would eliminate a lot of duds, and narrow down the chances of having a good match with fewer dates.

But I am talking from the perspective of a person who would be looking for long term relationship material, not a ONS.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Date as many as you can find time for.

I remember one week I had drinks on Wednesday night, drinks on Thursday night, dinner on Friday night, dinner and a show on Saturday night, and a ride through the country on Sunday afternoon. Hell, I was glad to get back to work on Monday and finally relax. 

The scheduling can get tricky but it_ can _be done with a little creativity. :grin2:

I would also advise keeping index cards on each one. There's nothing more embarrassing than saying to your date, "so...tell me more about your childhood in Peoria" and they tell you they've never even *been *to Illinois and you must have them confused with someone else. Man, I *hated* when that happened. So I had to start keeping notes on them.

Have the time of your life. Why narrow anything down? The minute you do that, you put all your expectations into one person and most of the time, that just leads to disappointment.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> Do you ever meet guys IRL? I've found that is a better way of doing things because you know right away if you have a spark. Plus you get to flirt, which is amazingly fun.


Sometimes! I was at the dentist earlier this week; first appointment of the day, and it was me and a man about my age in the waiting room. We struck up a conversation, and learned a lot about each other in those 10 minutes. I left my business card for him at the end of my appointment. The only other time it's happened before this was in 2007, when I met and had a year and a half relationship with a man in the concert band that we were both in.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> A few things helped me with choosing well, but no matter what, it takes time spent with prospects to learn about them. And even if you choose to be exclusive with someone, you have to be able to walk away if a serious issue arises that can't be fixed. You CAN'T change someone, and it's hard for someone to change themselves. Never forget that, and be ready to move on if this kind of serious problem comes to light.
> 
> The first thing that helped me - very much - was knowing my personality type (Meyers-Briggs is particularly good for this, as it isn't about diagnosing disorders). Learn your own type, and then what types best match your type. (In brief, xNxx types should almost never date xSxx types, only other xNxx types.) I'm INTJ. ALL of my best matches were with INFJ.
> 
> ...


Funny, I'm an INFJ! Thanks for the book rec. The one that you have: does it have a photo of a woman (the author?) on the cover, or is the cover purple? And yes, everything from spontaneous plans to a stressful day at work to a serious illness reveals gobs of character. Oddly, one of the men who I've spent some time with is currently out of town, dealing with the fairly sudden death of his brother (his only sibling).


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Once again you’re trying to narrow when you should widen your loop.
> 
> Don’t settle on one until you have reason to believe they are a superb person and have a track record of treating people well, especially under duress.
> 
> ...


So many good thoughts, thanks Evinrude. I would like to eventually narrow it down, but actually am also broadening my loop at the same time. I have a coffee meetup with a new man Saturday evening.

Out of the three on my current roster (does that sound bad?), 2 have stable careers, 1 works hard but doesn't have what I would call a 'career' type job; none take drugs, with 1 getting drug tested regularly for his work; All drink about as much as me (once in awhile); and I have no idea about gambling, although one works in a casino. One is 40, divorced with 2 small children and lives next door to his ex-wife because it's easier for the kids. One has 4 very grown kids, and the eldest of those has 2 kids, so that makes the man I'm seeing a 44 year old Grandpa. The last one has never been married, no kids and is 46.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Funny, I'm an INFJ! Thanks for the book rec. The one that you have: *does it have a photo of a woman (the author?) on the cover*, or is the cover purple? And yes, everything from spontaneous plans to a stressful day at work to a serious illness reveals gobs of character. Oddly, one of the men who I've spent some time with is currently out of town, dealing with the fairly sudden death of his brother (his only sibling).


Yes, it does have the author on the front of the dust jacket. I don't recall the color.

The book I used for interpreting Myers-Briggs for dating is the second edition, "Please Understand Me II" - I've seen some sites get the interpretation wrong and recommend the wrong types for matching. Essentially, you want someone with the same communication style (abstract, for xNxx types versus concrete for the xSxx types). The N types are much less common than the S types, so it can be harder to find a match. However, from what I've seen, the N types seem to congregate online.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

I have to agree with everyone else don't narrow the field widen it BUTTT If I take you at ur word. Organize a ranking system, date them until there is a clear winner and loser then dump the winner and date the loser. If you are right and u always choose the wrong guy then choose the opposite. lol


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Ursula said:


> I have a coffee meetup with a new man Saturday evening.


Ahhh, the dreaded coffee date (a.k.a. the kiss of death). It shows no creativity and is about as exciting as going to the dentist. For about $5-10 more you could go play mini golf, or race go carts, or go jump on a trampoline, or watch a live band at an outdoor concert (many of these are free), or each buy something new to try eating at the farmers market, or pick apples at an orchard. Anyway, try to have fun and hopefully the caffeine will keep you alert enough to pay attention!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> Ahhh, the dreaded coffee date (a.k.a. the kiss of death). It shows no creativity and is about as exciting as going to the dentist. For about $5-10 more you could go play mini golf, or race go carts, or go jump on a trampoline, or watch a live band at an outdoor concert (many of these are free), or each buy something new to try eating at the farmers market, or pick apples at an orchard. Anyway, try to have fun and hopefully the caffeine will keep you alert enough to pay attention!


I don't mind going for coffee for the first meetup, in fact, that's what I normally do/suggest, or what is suggested by the other party. It works: it's a comfortable environment, hot stuff to sip on, and the meetup only goes for an hour or 2, which is good, especially if things aren't going uncomfortably. If things go really well, extending our time together is always an option. Coffee doesn't keep me alert... It's a relaxant for me, according to my naturopathic doctor.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you don't mind me quoting an old favorite: "a date is supposed to be a fun filled, romantic opportunity, with a chance for sex to happen". Coffee dates do none of those things. They are boring, platonic, and only rarely lead to sex. But hey, if they work for you then go for it!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> If you don't mind me quoting an old favorite: "a date is supposed to be a fun filled, romantic opportunity, with a chance for sex to happen". Coffee dates do none of those things. They are boring, platonic, and only rarely lead to sex. But hey, if they work for you then go for it!


Well, I'm not really comfortable with going to a stranger's house for sex after knowing them for a couple of hours, nor would I feel comfortable letting them into my home. So, sex on a first date has only happened for me once, after a lunch date, and I never saw him again. I do know though that if there's some sparkage on our coffee date, that will lead to more dates, and those tend to be more fun-filled and active (doing something we're both into).


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Scratch the guy off your list who lives next to his ex wife and 2 kids. Sounds like they still play house.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Scratch the guy off your list who lives next to his ex wife and 2 kids. Sounds like they still play house.


I agree. That's waaaay too close. No privacy.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Scratch the guy off your list who lives next to his ex wife and 2 kids. Sounds like they still play house.


Possibly. It also could mean that he is a person who is dedicated to still being available daily for his children. It also could show you that he is easy to get along with when things aren't going great. Plus, it means he doesn't have a volatile relationship with his ex, which probably produces way less drama than a man that does. You would have to be around for a while to see if it was a problem or not. 

If I could do this with my ex I would, and there is zero attraction or desire to still play house with him. If I wanted to do that, I would still be in the same house. This would be a nice solution for the kids to still have easy access to both parents. This would make him MORE interesting to me personally, because family is very important to me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A dude that lives next door to his ex wife? Not conducive to a good relationship. If you married him you can bet she’d have a problem with this and that pertaining to his new wife and her kids....Just the nature of the thing.

I agree he’s likely easy to get along with, and puts his kids before his own feelings—- or more likely still likes his ex. Could be several different scenarios. None likely good for future wife.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yes, but everything has potential to be an problem. I'm saying I just wouldn't count him out instantaneously because he has found a scenario that is working for their kids. Why not see how the situation actually is? If they fall in love and the proximity is too close, he can move if they both decide that is best. 

Its extremely hard for people whose marriages ended in disaster, deceit, anger and resentment to understand the feelings a ex-couple with kids may have when your marriage didn't end that way. I get so many comments about my current hubby and I still being good friends with my ex. I have learned to understand that the people who are most shocked by it usually hate their ex, and that they will probably never be able to understand what it is like to still genuinely care about and cherish your friendship with that person you spent decades building a life with.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Possibly. It also could mean that he is a person who is dedicated to still being available daily for his children. It also could show you that he is easy to get along with when things aren't going great. Plus, it means he doesn't have a volatile relationship with his ex, which probably produces way less drama than a man that does. You would have to be around for a while to see if it was a problem or not.
> 
> If I could do this with my ex I would, and there is zero attraction or desire to still play house with him. If I wanted to do that, I would still be in the same house. This would be a nice solution for the kids to still have easy access to both parents. This would make him MORE interesting to me personally, because family is very important to me.


Yes, but that is You.

The EXH may have other ideas.

It is the perfect storm or sunny day waiting to happen.

Emotional thundershowers for the next two days, backyard sunning in her bathing suit the next. 

Him looking over the fence, him missing what he had.

Him remembering what was so fondly touching...... to him.

Any new BF better be aware.

I like your reasoning, however.
You are sound.

The EXH sounds lost without her.

Be ready for three in his relationship.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Spicy said:


> Yes, but everything has potential to be an problem. I'm saying I just wouldn't count him out instantaneously because he has found a scenario that is working for their kids. Why not see how the situation actually is? If they fall in love and the proximity is too close, he can move if they both decide that is best.
> 
> Its extremely hard for people whose marriages ended in disaster, deceit, anger and resentment to understand the feelings a ex-couple with kids may have when your marriage didn't end that way. I get so many comments about my current hubby and I still being good friends with my ex. I have learned to understand that the people who are most shocked by it usually hate their ex, and that they will probably never be able to understand what it is like to still genuinely care about and cherish your friendship with that person you spent decades building a life with.


I agree with what you said, but have to say—- why would someone divorce if they were able to stay friends? I guess there are lots of reasons, but it seems a shame. I guess you’re right, no harm in giving him a chance and seeing what the situation is, but it still looks fishy to me.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree with what you said, but have to say—- why would someone divorce if they were able to stay friends? I guess there are lots of reasons, but it seems a shame. I guess you’re right, no harm in giving him a chance and seeing what the situation is, but it still looks fishy to me.


And you are probably right. Plus you ask a valid question. In my situation my ex had severe emotional issues. I gave him my all for over 20 years, and then my tank ran dry. I couldn't help him anymore. He had used me up. I had long since fallen out of love, but still do absolutely care very much for this man, his future, our children etc. 

Zero animosity, zero desire to ever go back though. Staying "close" has been a blessing for our kids, and my husband has no jealousy and cares about my XH welfare too. I think it takes a unique set of circumstances and the right blend of personalities. It is probably rare, but we do exist. You will find us on the back aisle next to the unicorns and fairy dust


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Araucaria said:


> Now one can know a WHOLE lot more about the prospective date before ever meeting face to face. I think that would eliminate a lot of duds, and narrow down the chances of having a good match with fewer dates.
> 
> But I am talking from the perspective of a person who would be looking for long term relationship material, not a ONS.


I've never experienced online dating... so I preface this with 'whadda I know?' ...but it seems to me, the mystery and naturally getting to know someone is kind of lost. Women I work with know a whole lot about the guy before they've even reached the second date. Call me old school, or just old, but getting to know someone in person rather than through their social media just seems more interesting, and perhaps intriguing to me. 

* ducks from potential flying tomatoes *


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Ursula said:


> How does one make that decision?


The decision on being exclusive? Or whom to date? 

As Amos Lee sang, keep it loose, keep it tight. 

_There is so much more in love than black and white
Keep it loose child
You gotta keep tight
Keep it loose child
Keep it tight _


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

@heartsbeating I'm totally with you on O.L.D. even though not only have I not done OLD but I've only dated my husband of 13 years. But meeting online just seems so artificial and impersonal like going shopping for a car or a house. I mean of course you need to give even more due diligence to a life partner but it just seems so mechanical. 

Even dating itself these days is just so messy judging from what my family and friends go through. I told my Mom the other day that if anything happened to me and hubby I would probably end up being single for life. Not by choice but because of the rules of the game these days.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The obvious problem with online dating is in most cases, you don't know the person or anyone that DOES know them. So you start talking. They sound freaking awesome. They say all the right things. They sound so upbeat, so successful, so happy, so responsible...... Their previous relationships were not THEIR fault, the past partners were cheaters, crazy, mean, selfish, etc. The O.L.D. person is also super attractive from the pictures.. (people rarely post anything but the best pics of them ever taken, lol) And they are really into YOU and only you..... or so you think. 

There's no basis for finding out their true track record of relationships and how they live their everyday life, if their poots stink, if they have halitosis, if they are a hoarder, if they are selfish...... Or if they're just hard to get along with.

Other than that, O.L.D. is a wonderful thing. One never has to be lonely, for sure. But being with a person that's not THE ONE can be pretty lonely to me. That's why I enjoy seeing other people find that one special person. It changes their life. I like to see people happy. 
I met several ladies through O.L.D. I met my wife elsewhere. But got within a month of getting married to an O.L.D. person. So it can happen. I do know a couple of people that met through O.L.D and are happily married. One just has to really ask a lot of questions on that first real date and see their friends and family and their real life as soon as possible if one thinks the person is a legitimate prospect.

I can say this: they all seem wonderful online....... PERFECT.... and nobody is... Especially me.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> *The obvious problem with online dating is in most cases, you don't know the person or anyone that DOES know them. So you start talking. They sound freaking awesome. They say all the right things. They sound so upbeat, so successful, so happy, so responsible...... Their previous relationships were not THEIR fault, the past partners were cheaters, crazy, mean, selfish, etc. The O.L.D. person is also super attractive from the pictures.. (people rarely post anything but the best pics of them ever taken, lol) And they are really into YOU and only you..... or so you think.
> 
> There's no basis for finding out their true track record of relationships and how they live their everyday life, if their poots stink, if they have halitosis, if they are a hoarder, if they are selfish...... Or if they're just hard to get along with.*



All of that is true. However, it's also true of that wonderful person you meet in a bar, in your running group, at the gym, or anywhere else. Unless you meet someone through family or friends - and even then in many cases - there's just really no way to know much in the way of intimate details about them unless you spend the time to learn about them in person. The purpose of dating is to determine if you two are compatible as a couple. Personal responsibility and due diligence are always required. And that's the case whether you're introduced by mutual friends in a church group or are introduced by an algorithm on Match.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Possibly. It also could mean that he is a person who is dedicated to still being available daily for his children. It also could show you that he is easy to get along with when things aren't going great. Plus, it means he doesn't have a volatile relationship with his ex, which probably produces way less drama than a man that does. You would have to be around for a while to see if it was a problem or not.
> 
> If I could do this with my ex I would, and there is zero attraction or desire to still play house with him. If I wanted to do that, I would still be in the same house. This would be a nice solution for the kids to still have easy access to both parents. This would make him MORE interesting to me personally, because family is very important to me.


These were my exact thoughts on this man. When he told me this information, he did so rather sheepishly, and I think he was surprised by my reaction, which was something to the effect of, "that's a fantastic setup for your kids; the best of both worlds". He said that while things aren't fantastic with his STBXW, they get along for most part and co-parent well. Their kids mostly stay with their Mom, but they have full freedom to go next door to see their Dad whenever they want, and I kind of think that's awesome. They're 3 and 6 years old, and they need both parents available to them. If I'm honest, this information made me think more of him.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Ursula said:


> These were my exact thoughts on this man. When he told me this information, he did so rather sheepishly, and I think he was surprised by my reaction, which was something to the effect of, "that's a fantastic setup for your kids; the best of both worlds". He said that while things aren't fantastic with his STBXW, they get along for most part and co-parent well. Their kids mostly stay with their Mom, but they have full freedom to go next door to see their Dad whenever they want, and I kind of think that's awesome. They're 3 and 6 years old, and they need both parents available to them. *If I'm honest, this information made me think more of him.*


Just remember that it's possible to think very well of someone for their life choices, while also recognizing that you don't have to be on board with making those same choices for yourself. Sure, it's great that he and his ex-wife can get along and can co-parent well while living next door and allowing the children to move freely between homes. But do you really want to be in the middle of that scenario? Do you want to be the test case for them figuring out if this arrangement actually works in real time when there are other partners involved? It's okay to look at a situation with admiration, and yet still not want to be a part of that situation. Personally, I'd think that one through very carefully before you decide if that's something you actually want to deal with in real life.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> I've never experienced online dating... so I preface this with 'whadda I know?' ...but it seems to me, the mystery and naturally getting to know someone is kind of lost. Women I work with know a whole lot about the guy before they've even reached the second date. Call me old school, or just old, but getting to know someone in person rather than through their social media just seems more interesting, and perhaps intriguing to me.
> 
> * ducks from potential flying tomatoes *


You're not wrong! I'm 40, started dating when I was 20, and boy have things changed in 20 years. I would also prefer to meet someone organically, but the chances of that happening are slim for most people. I did meet that one man at the dentist though, but that was the first time that happened in about 10 years. OLD puts people in contact with a lot of people quickly, and yes, you do know a bit about someone before meeting in person, which I actually find kind of neat. It means that there's usually a lot of stuff to talk about on that first meet up. The only OLD person that I've sought out on social media though is the man who lives next door to his STBXW, and that's only because he's a local photographer, and I wanted to see more of his work, since I'm also an amateur photographer. So, I totally creeped! :grin2:


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rowan said:


> All of that is true. However, it's also true of that wonderful person you meet in a bar, in your running group, at the gym, or anywhere else. Unless you meet someone through family or friends - and even then in many cases - there's just really no way to know much in the way of intimate details about them unless you spend the time to learn about them in person. The purpose of dating is to determine if you two are compatible as a couple. Personal responsibility and due diligence are always required. And that's the case whether you're introduced by mutual friends in a church group or are introduced by an algorithm on Match.


So, so true. Back in 2006, I was setup with this "really great guy" by a coworker who had turned into a good friend. The guy was her husband's cousin and best friend. We dated for about 8-9 months, and holy macaroni was he a piece of work. Things started out great, and he really was a great guy, and by the end of it, he had told me that I wasn't allowed to spend time with my family/friends, give up all of my hobbies, and he wanted to move me out to a lake lot an hour outside of the city where we would be living year round. It was pretty secluded. I had to sneak around to visit my family/friends, and in the end, he got scary, so I ran for the hills. Never, ever again have I let anyone set me up with a "really great guy".


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Meeting people through family and friends, or even just through your usual activities, is great. However, that pool of people is very limited. If you have unusual requirements or aren't in the mainstream yourself, the chances of meeting someone compatible this way are very poor. Even OLD is difficult in that case, as most people will still lack the traits you may want, but the OLD pool is _so much_ deeper and broader, that it is more likely that you'll find someone with the traits you want, who also wants the traits you offer. So, the more "average" you are, the more likely either "in-real-life" dating OR OLD will work for you.

I'd never have met someone compatible if I hadn't used OLD after leaving my ex. There may have been a few compatible women nearby, but there was no good way to encounter them - I tried the few avenues that might have worked, though. While it may be nice to get to know someone in person, from the beginning, it's more effective to already know something about them so you can avoid wasting time on (what wouldn't be) obvious dead ends.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rowan said:


> Just remember that it's possible to think very well of someone for their life choices, while also recognizing that you don't have to be on board with making those same choices for yourself. Sure, it's great that he and his ex-wife can get along and can co-parent well while living next door and allowing the children to move freely between homes. But do you really want to be in the middle of that scenario? Do you want to be the test case for them figuring out if this arrangement actually works in real time when there are other partners involved? It's okay to look at a situation with admiration, and yet still not want to be a part of that situation. Personally, I'd think that one through very carefully before you decide if that's something you actually want to deal with in real life.


Oh absolutely, and if I'm honest, being in the middle of such a situation isn't something that interests me a whole lot. However, he also just rents for the time being, and said that he decided to do that because it would allow him to see his kids more often. If we continue to hang out, and things progress to the point of living together in years to come, a discussion would be had prior to that on where to live.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

The idea that OLD is like buying a car or a house is ludicrous. One does not need to "sell" themselves to a house or a car. A house and car do not get to decide if they want to be "bought". In the end, it ends up being much the same as meeting someone IRL, you still have to present yourself and find the presentation of others appealing. 
Some positive differences are the pool is much wider and deeper and there is a lot less guessing. Most everyone (there are a few but they are the exceptions) is available (you can't say that about IRL) so no guessing. A negative might be that you probably don't know anyone that knows them, nor they you. So at times it is much more a shot in the dark. But even that can be positive as you are free to decide without feeling obligated to a friend, sibling or co-worker.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Ynot said:


> The idea that OLD is like buying a car or a house is ludicrous. One does not need to "sell" themselves to a house or a car. A house and car do not get to decide if they want to be "bought". In the end, it ends up being much the same as meeting someone IRL, you still have to present yourself and find the presentation of others appealing.
> Some positive differences are the pool is much wider and deeper and there is a lot less guessing. Most everyone (there are a few but they are the exceptions) is available (you can't say that about IRL) so no guessing. A negative might be that you probably don't know anyone that knows them, nor they you. So at times it is much more a shot in the dark. But even that can be positive as *you are free to decide without feeling obligated to a friend, sibling or co-worker.*


I'm now down to two, as one, who was apparently a dog lover, came over to hang out, and he met my dogs. One of them is super-friendly; the other is standoffish and protective of me, and dude got growled and snapped at. Dude said that if he should be attacked, he would have to call in to report it and my dog would be put down. So, needless to say, he didn't last long in my house, and he won't be back. My dogs also met the man who lives next door to his STBXW, and they both nuzzled up to him and really liked him.

As to the bold, it's in regards to the other man I'm "seeing". Turns out that he's best buds with a coworker on my team who's desk is about a dozen feet behind my own. Not sure how I feel about this, but it kind of makes me a little uncomfortable. He's a really nice man though, although I'm not yet physically attracted to him, but that usually develops with time on my part. I haven't seen him for 2 weeks, as he's been out of town dealing with the death of his brother.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@Evinrude58... when did you get married and how did I miss that??


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Ynot said:
> 
> 
> > The idea that OLD is like buying a car or a house is ludicrous. One does not need to "sell" themselves to a house or a car. A house and car do not get to decide if they want to be "bought". In the end, it ends up being much the same as meeting someone IRL, you still have to present yourself and find the presentation of others appealing.
> ...


I'm curious... if your dog did attack someone/a new date in your house, how would you want them to respond?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I'm curious... if your dog did attack someone/a new date in your house, how would you want them to respond?


Well, first off, my male dog (D) wouldn't attack someone just because; he would defend himself or me. Secondly, anyone that I date has been larger than me, and my male dog is 12 pounds, so as much damage as he would like to inflict, someone 15x larger in weight than him can do much more. That being said, D wouldn't be able to "attack" per say, when I sad that, I paraphrased the dude that was over. He would nip. If this happens to someone new that I bring into my home, I would like to think that they would talk to me about it first. I would discipline my dog, and that would be that. It's not like my dog is a Black Russian Terrier or Irish Wolfhound who weighs as much as or more than your average person. Both of my dogs could be dropkicked like footballs.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> @Evinrude58... when did you get married and how did I miss that??


Last March. A lady I had met many years ago..
Her daughter asked me if I knew her mom and I realized who she was since they look so much alike, and told her daughter I did and that she was always very helpful and that I thought very highly of her. I got a fb message from her mother a couple of days later and the rest is history.
I’m happy, my wife treats me well, I’m back to feeling like myself, I have a new project I’m working on that has been very successful financially..... I’m working really hard and things are going well.

I really enjoy my new wife AND my new stepdaughter. Been having a lot of fun teaching her how to drive.
I try to teach the wife, but she’s already developed too many bad driving habits and is a lost cause 👹

Really glad I’m not dating anymore.

Enough of my threadjack, lol.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > I'm curious... if your dog did attack someone/a new date in your house, how would you want them to respond?
> ...


Yes, your dog sounds small so that was very stupid of that guy to say!


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