# Need a straight answer



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay, here's the deal: H was the first guy I was ever with sexually. I'd never had oral sex, intercourse, hand jobs...none of it with any of the other guys I'd dated. In fact, I never even masturbated before Hubs. I was a virgin when we first had sex and he said he was too. He said he'd had oral sex with three of his other girlfriends but that he'd never went all the way with them. 

So then after we married he confessed that he hadn't been entirely honest with me. He said that, as far as he knew, he was a virgin with me, but that there were "blank spots" in his memories of his past relationships. That certain memories just dropped off at certain points and he couldn't remember what happened. For instance, one if his girlfriends asked him to come over and, since her mom hated him, he snuck into her room by climbing through her window. He said he remembers making out with her, but then nothing else until the next day. So, he's pretty sure he didn't have intercourse with her but he's not 100% sure because he can't remember. 

Is he just being nice to break the news to me? I mean, it's not a deal breaker or anything. I don't care if he had sex with his last three girlfriends. Okay, I mean I do care but it's not going to anger me or anything. I've told him so but ever since he told me this I've been wondering if he really can't remember or if he's trying to tell me the whole truth in a...not abrupt way. The girlfriends I'm speaking of(well, two of the three)...those relationships were _horrible_ for him. One of the girls went nuts on him and not only cheated on him but went on to try and kill him later. (No freaking joke.) The other, her parents were freaking crazy and made his life hell while he was with her. So I can see why certain areas of those relationships would be hard to remember but...if he didn't have sex with them, why would he need to forget? Know what I mean?

Since he won't/can't give me a straight answer, I figured I'd see what you all think. I know it doesn't really matter in the end but I'd like to know. I'm pretty sure he did have intercourse with them, and that doesn't change anything for me, I just...I just want to know. lol.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Was he doing hard drugs? Drinking a lot?

If not, he's just trying to tell you he slept with them.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Ask him point blank if he needs to be tested for an STD or is a father.


----------



## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

I find it hard to believe that he would "black out" that often, unless he's a really heavy drinker. It sounds to me like he's trying to open the door for a potentially different story than what you've already been told. Sorry...that probably will hurt more than you want to admit right now, and it's just an opinion from one guy. If I were in his shoes and I had a really great woman that I didn't want to lose, I'd be feeling pretty tormented about the issue.


----------



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Since you were a virgin he probably felt that he needed to lie to you about his own virginity. Reason is to protect himself from percieved harm. Harm being you dumping him, or becoming angry, etc, etc.

He is still lying to you for the exact same reason. 

I suppose there is a possiblity that he really doesnt remember, but based on all text in OP, Id go with lying in the interest of saving the relationship, regardless of whether or not lying was needed.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Was he doing hard drugs? Drinking a lot?
> 
> If not, he's just trying to tell you he slept with them.


No, no drugs or alcohol.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Atholk said:


> Ask him point blank if he needs to be tested for an STD or is a father.


Well...that's definitely a straight answer. lol.

He has no STD's. We were both checked. And he's not a father.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

PFTGuy said:


> I find it hard to believe that he would "black out" that often, unless he's a really heavy drinker. It sounds to me like he's trying to open the door for a potentially different story than what you've already been told. Sorry...that probably will hurt more than you want to admit right now, and it's just an opinion from one guy. If I were in his shoes and I had a really great woman that I didn't want to lose, I'd be feeling pretty tormented about the issue.


I kinda thought this was it. If he sees he can't remember, then...well, I have to take him at his word. I have told him that his story sounds really, really fishy(in a much more lighthearted way than that so he didn't feel threatened or like he was in trouble), and he agreed that it sounds like he's using a cop out but insisted that it was the truth. *shrug* So, I'm not going to press the issue. I just wanted to hear what others thought when they heard the same story so that I can accept that he has sex with him and move on. 

At least now if he ever does remember/confess I won't be surprised. lol.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Since you were a virgin he probably felt that he needed to lie to you about his own virginity. Reason is to protect himself from percieved harm. Harm being you dumping him, or becoming angry, etc, etc.
> 
> He is still lying to you for the exact same reason.
> 
> I suppose there is a possiblity that he really doesnt remember, but based on all text in OP, Id go with lying in the interest of saving the relationship, regardless of whether or not lying was needed.


I guess that's the part that's so confusing. We've had a few lengthy discussions about this and I told him that even if he had slept with them, that I would rather know now than have to live in wonder. He said he wished he could remember and insisted that he couldn't. Would he still be lying if he knew there wouldn't be any consequences?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As a guy, I'd say he's not being truthful. Why, or what it means to your relationship, I have no idea.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Kinda curious why he would halfway confess after marriage - kinda like Clinton saying "but I didn't inhale". Why wouldn't he just keep his mouth shut?

AND... has he ever 'blacked out' with you? If not, hmm... seems suspicious.

Only you can determine how much it means to you to know, and how far to go to pry the information out of him.

Best of luck.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But personally, does it even matter?

The lie, yea...for a moment...but...you can't change it and to me, it's really not a big deal.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Honestly, the not knowing for sure one way or the other is what bothers me most. I don't really care if he had sex with them or not. I also don't even really care that he lied. He has apologized for that anyway. It's just the not knowing. 

Last night we talked about it and he said he really does believe that he had sex with two of his girlfriends and just wasn't able to admit it to himself before we married. He says he still can't remember bits and pieces(as crazy as that sounds...I'll have to believe him), but that he's fairly positive that he had sex with two of those girlfriends. So, at least it was nice to hear that from his lips.


----------



## SacredSex (Sep 19, 2011)

You said you needed a straight answer and seeing as how he has not given you one as of yet; Why not have him call the three girlfriends and ask them? I bet they would remember. I doubt they will be as understanding of his "blackout" as you have been. I'm sure their reaction to this silliness would be "Well you sure remembered it then!" and I'll bet it wasn't only once. You might find out more than you want to know.

You say that it really doesn't matter to you whether he did have sex with them or not, and that his having lied to you isn't the issue, as he's already apologized for this. (Just out of curiosity why has he apologized for lying? How can he know that he lied when he still doesn't know if he had sex?) You've stated that it is the not knowing that troubles you. I assume you are both young and perhaps it is a lack of experience on his part that is causing him to go about things in this manner. I think what would bother me and what may be bothering you is your husband seems to lack the emotional maturity to confront a previously stated falsehood forthrightly and without offering up another one in it's place. The "I can't remember if I had sex with them." defense is completely laughable. Is this the only thing he blacks out? Or is he unable to remember other specific activities with multiple partners? Perhaps he can recall going to the movies on dates with these three girls but can't remember a single film they saw (actually this was true for me, when first dating my high school sweetheart, never saw a single film. Every Friday or Saturday night, her mother would drop her off at the theater where I was waiting with the tickets. We would enter the theater, buy a couple of sodas for mixer, and walk into the theater, down the aisle and out the fire exit, into my friend's waiting car and off we would go to drink and have sex in an empty field on the edge of town full of tumble weeds and sage brush. Those were truly wonderful days, but I digress.), or he believes he always orders apple pie at Stucky's after church on Sundays but isn't sure if he has ever eaten it. Its the stuff of alien abduction stories. It's juvenile. 

He has painted himself into a corner and frankly I can't imagine why. First he likely lies to you when he said he was a virgin. Then he decides to kind of fess up and say maybe he did have sex but he "cant remember". Then he goes further and says he's pretty sure he did but still "cant remember", Then further still that he is almost positive that he did but he still "can't remember". So whats going on here? Has he been having flash backs? Does he have a deep rooted gut feeling that "sexy" things might have occurred but his over-protective brain has provided him what most would consider a not-so-plausible deniability on the actuality of it. How does he become increasingly sure that it occurred without actually remembering if it had? I think its pretty obvious that he is lying about not remembering. That my dear is what you need to be concerned about. He is not only time releasing a confession that he lied about that one little thing; "virginity", before marrying you, but he is also asking that you suspend all disbelief and join him in his fantasy world, giving him the mother-of-all benefits of the doubt and believe him when he tells you what is patently ridiculous. And you know it. You are obviously an intelligent young woman. You say, "as crazy as that sounds...I'll have to believe him", but you don't do you?

It is unfortunate but understandable that someone might mis-state their level of sexual experience if they thought their partner would disapprove. If he were later to decide to correct this, it would have been preferable to do so prior to your wedding, but similar fears or worse may have pervaded his thinking. I am unsure of the value to you, him, or your marriage of bringing this up after the fact, but to do so in this way has to make you question his emotional maturity at the very least if not his ability, or lack thereof, to be wholly truthful at all. To right a previous wrong with a new and more pervasive wrong isn't righting anything and calls into question his ability to discern the difference.

Tell him you wish he could remember and that you hope he had done the deed with these girls. Tell him just the thought of it turns you on to no end and hearing him recount the events in detail would drive you crazy with lustful desire. He'll remember real quick. On e thing a man doesn't forget is his first time and that's all there is to it.


----------



## NewlyWedMomy (Sep 10, 2011)

I seriously doubt that he "blacked out" or can't remember I think he's trying to gently tell you he's not a virgin! If it was me I'd just tell him that I appreciate his honesty n trying to break the news and that it wont change my feelings or thoughts of him is he tells me the truth that he wasn't a virgin.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wow the sex was either so bad that he blocked it from his memory or the sex was so mind blowing that it acted like a drug and he blacked out.


I call shenanigans - there's not a chance a in hell he wouldn't remember his first time unless he was super drunk or stoned.


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Look, people gloss over and try to deflect recollections that mean trouble for them. They will have "gaps" in chronological timelines. 

Straight up, you H is full of ****. Period. I have interrogated a lot of people who "couldn't remember". When we were done they remembered, but it wansn't good for them!

I sure as heck remember having sex with people. And stop saying it doesn't matter to you, you wouldn't be here asking if that were the case. He is lying, but is probably doing it to try and not hurt you. Funny how that works sometimes, you lie for the "right" reasons and end up hurting people.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he banged them and is sorry for not telling the truth.

he just don't know how to let you know with him feeling guilty for lieing to you in the first place.

If is really isn't important to you drop it and move on. 


But I also think its more important to you than your letting on.

just know he pick you to be with for the rest of his life.....you must be much better in the sack than they were.

or go out and have some revenge sex with some stranger and ruin your marriage for ever.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I call shenanigans - there's not a chance a in hell he wouldn't remember his first time unless he was super drunk or stoned.


Even then, there's a good chance you'd still remember. I have been both many times and remembered having sex. Just sayin'.


----------



## SacredSex (Sep 19, 2011)

I know you probably haven't even gotten to even read the first one I sent and here I am sending another. I will try to make it shorter than the last. I think it important to consider the time in your lives that this little lie (or potential lie as it were) of his was made. It must have been early of in your courting, and I am sure you had made it clear that you were strong in your religious beliefs, that you had been raised with a strict code of moral conduct, that you were a virgin, and almost completely inexperienced, that you viewed pornography and the viewing of it as a sinful act, that anal sex wasn't on your list of acceptable sexual endeavor, and that your future shared sexuality would be sacred and for the two of you to share alone. And of course he was in full agreement. Amazingly you were both in agreement on all these things and almost equally inexperienced. It almost seems like fate brought you together and you were meant for one another. 

Now you are finding out that perhaps he was a bit more experienced than he could remember, or admit to himself, or perhaps than he let on. He loved you and didn't want to turn you away prior to your getting to know him. Should he tell you the whole truth from the onset, risking an immediate dismissal and loss of opportunity for any future with you? At the time what would have your feelings been about him if he had said; "Well honey, your innocence is just darling and I couldn't be more smitten with you than I am. But you need to know that I've led a sinful life up to this point. I have given in to the temptations of the flesh and have had sexual relations with at least two girls before you. I have to admit that I have viewed pornography in the past and I have willfully partaken in the wickedness of pleasuring myself while gazing upon it and was overcome by it's power to bring about an outpouring of sexual gratification. And to be really honest, while this might shock you, I must say that I am enamored with your cute little butt and have flights of fancy when considering the potential of licking your anus, or even placing my large and needful manhood deep within it and filling you to the brim with my seed. I think it would be great fun to photograph you naked, prancing about like a porn star or dressed up like a hooker. Even better if we were to record our most intimate moments on video, so we can later view ourselves while we do the Sacred Act, forwards, backwards, and zoomed in up close and personal on super slo-mo. Perhaps someday we could convince that cute little girlfriend of yours to join us in a threesome in our marital bed to share the beauty that is our lovemaking and to share with us the bounty of her nakedness. I truly hope this doesn't turn you away from me, because I really do believe I love you honey, and I think God has a plan for us, and this is it." Now this is just a guess, but I think if confronted with the totality of that you would have run screaming, telling him to never come around your parts again.

Now I know you say both of you are aligned on your view of pornography. That he is against pornography, he doesn't view it, and considers doing so to be wrong. I've met a lot of women who believed this to be true of their significant others. I mean what is the guy supposed to say when his new love interest says, "I think pornography is wrong and using it is a sin against God." What is there to say but, "I agree, it's demeaning to women, and harmful to the stability of the family. It is responsible for the deterioration of the very moral fabric that once made this Nation great. We live in the end times I tell you, a time of wickedness and rebellion against Godliness. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah all over again. Hellfire and brimstone, weeping and wailing, oh,... and gnashing of teeth! It's gonna be hell around here. I'M SURE GLAD WE DON'T LIKE PORN!" What else could he say? "Well, I kind of like it?" Nope, not one of the options.

I think it's great that you and he both are as progressive as you are, and are as willing as you have been to try new things and explore your sexuality together as a married couple. I would imagine that your thinking on a number of subjects has changed somewhat since those early days when you were first dating. Don't be too surprised if a number of the things he professed to at the time are found to be somewhat different as you move forward. Many of these topics are embarrassing to discuss, and to come out in support of things or activities that are shunned by polite society while first getting to know a new girlfriend would be very disconcerting. Even the most honest, and mature man would have difficulty laying all his closely held and personal peccadilloes out on the table for all to see. Everyone has a few things that even they are embarrassed to admit to anyone, even their future wife. In some cases especially their future wife.

So I think it's best to keep an open mind as new things are revealed to you. Either about him or about yourself. Take care to to educate yourself as to what these things are really about before laying down concrete opinions on their value. These decisions could have far reaching impacts down the road you wouldn't even consider today.

Let me give you one example and I'll let you alone. I had a young couple that lived in a flat below mine. We got to know one another well and became good friends. They were both very good people. Kind, giving, and caring people. Good to one another, as well as the others in their life. She had suffered some sexual abuse as a child and suffered somewhat from the trauma brought on by this. She was a staunch feminist, who was somewhat introverted, a bit sexually repressed perhaps, and had stated from the beginning her belief that pornography was morally wrong and condemned any use of it. Her boyfriend was a bass player in a steel drum band, was extremely laid back, a super nice guy and had always been successful with the ladies. While he had agreed with her or the morality surrounding pornography he had a secret attraction to it. He didn't want her to think he was a creep, and he really wasn't but none-0the-less there are a bunch of naked ladies in those magazines and DVDs and most guys no matter what they say want to see them. Over time what he had been able to keep a secret at first started to become not so secret. She would find a magazine, or a DVD he had left in the player. For a while he could pass these off as being a band mate's or whatever, but in time it became apparent what it really was. He liked to look at porn while masturbating on occasion. This caused all kinds of trouble, the more she found the more outraged she would become and the more his behavior was driven underground. She was unsure of who she was with and he was feeling beaten up over something that he felt really wasn't a big deal. It got blown out of proportion and began impacting their sex life, and in the end their overall life. 

After they broke-up after 5 or 6 years together, (and there were many reasons, not this alone, just that the relationship had run it's course mainly) she began dating a very good friend of mine. Well she is now 6 years older than she was when she had last entered into a relationship and my friend was a good 10 years older than her and had a number of long term relationships to draw experience from. He was of a mind to be as honest as possible on the key subjects as it's better to find the incompatibilities now going in rather than 5 or 6 years down the road when you're packing your golf clubs, your porn magazines, and your overnight bag into the Volvo and heading to a friends house to stay a while. So when the subject of pornography came up he had a serious discussion with her, albeit light and funny as he always is, but honest. He went on about how he felt the majority of the commercial porn was unhealthy to watch, degrading to both men and women, and anything but what he called erotic. He went further to state that he also felt there was some very good erotic material to be found, be written, printed stills, or video that he found to be very arousing and that he had enjoyed it with a number of his previous lovers to both of their liking. She was taken aback somewhat by this but enjoyed his company and respected his forthright nature enough to give him and his belief the benefit of the doubt. She wanted to see what it was that he found so erotic and see for herself that she was right. Long story short, she found she was in agreement with him and began a lasting appreciation of a number of genres of erotica. What had once proven to be a festering boil on her relationship and played more than just a bit part it its demise, was now something that she enjoyed and found to be a healthy part of her life and relations lasting far longer with her than my friend did. 

The initial stages of a relationship often defines the role we will play throughout that relationship. Often we have no idea something is going to blossom into a long term thing and don't consider that when setting up the persona that will come to confine us for our time within it. If we don't allow for a redefining of this role now and again along the way somethings going to give and it may be the relationship. All I can say is to keep allow for change, in you and your husband. Now is the time in your life that you should be questioning all of your beliefs. Casting away those that no longer reflect who you are as a person. The left over vestiges of others beliefs placed upon you. It's time to develop your own. Perhaps much the same as you have now, perhaps very different. I think you would agree that you have come a long way in a very short time from where you were. In all likelihood that fictional profession of love for your butt provided above would be received much differently now than before.

Good luck.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SacredSex said:


> Now I know you say both of you are aligned on your view of pornography. That he is against pornography, he doesn't view it, and considers doing so to be wrong. I've met a lot of women who believed this to be true of their significant others. I mean what is the guy supposed to say when his new love interest says, "I think pornography is wrong and using it is a sin against God." What is there to say but, "I agree, it's demeaning to women, and harmful to the stability of the family. It is responsible for the deterioration of the very moral fabric that once made this Nation great. We live in the end times I tell you, a time of wickedness and rebellion against Godliness. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah all over again. Hellfire and brimstone, weeping and wailing, oh,... and gnashing of teeth! It's gonna be hell around here. I'M SURE GLAD WE DON'T LIKE PORN!" What else could he say? "Well, I kind of like it?" Nope, not one of the options.


Love this ! couldn't agree more, we BOX our men, they *can't *be honest with us without a shunning or possibly a crucifixion (not that this necessarily applies to the original poster but to many situations I feel it does). Enjoyed your thoughts SacredSex!


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

SacredSex said:


> I mean what is the guy supposed to say when his new love interest says, "I think pornography is wrong and using it is a sin against God." What is there to say but, "I agree, it's demeaning to women, and harmful to the stability of the family. It is responsible for the deterioration of the very moral fabric that once made this Nation great. We live in the end times I tell you, a time of wickedness and rebellion against Godliness. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah all over again. Hellfire and brimstone, weeping and wailing, oh,... and gnashing of teeth! It's gonna be hell around here. I'M SURE GLAD WE DON'T LIKE PORN!" What else could he say? "Well, I kind of like it?" Nope, not one of the options.


Umm... YAH. The ONLY option should be to tell the truth. Why cover things up in your relationship - especially if this came up in the early days - lay it all out. Better to be honest then. If the OP's spouse would have been honest then, do you think that we would even be here commenting on her thread? What if the OP's husband had declared that yes, he did it, and that would have given them the option of praying about it and working together on what was the best course for them. The OP's husband seems to have a history of lying to the OP. That is not a foundation on which to build a marriage.

Be HONEST with your spouse, or your soon-to-spouse. Don't hem and haw around trying to protect them. That just ends up hurting them in the long run. If you can't share your sexuality and your desires with your spouse honestly, then who can you share it with?

"_There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, *a lying tongue*, hands that shed innocent blood,a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers._ " ~ Proverbs 6:16-20

Now, whether pornography is wrong in the eyes of God or not, I leave that up to each person and couple to seek counsel from Him on that.

God Bless.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I didn't see the OP mention porn. Did she delete a post? As others have said, I think he didn't want to hurt her, so he made up a clumsy lie. OP, you need to make it safe for your husband to tell you the truth. Tell him that marriage requires honesty; that there should not be anything you two cannot tell each other.

I would guess that he was protecting you because you were a virgin, but you need to emphasize to him that he can tell you anything, that you do not want to ever have to doubt anything he says to you.


----------



## SacredSex (Sep 19, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Umm... YAH. The ONLY option should be to tell the truth. Why cover things up in your relationship - especially if this came up in the early days - lay it all out. Better to be honest then. *If the OP's spouse would have been honest then, do you think that we would even be here commenting on her thread?* What if the OP's husband had declared that yes, he did it, and that would have given them the option of praying about it and working together on what was the best course for them. The OP's husband seems to have a history of lying to the OP. That is not a foundation on which to build a marriage.
> 
> Be HONEST with your spouse, or your soon-to-spouse. *Don't hem and haw around trying to protect them.* That just ends up hurting them in the long run. If you can't share your sexuality and your desires with your spouse honestly, then who can you share it with?


No, I don't think if the OP's spouse was truly honest then and told the whole truth, the one I believe she hasn't really heard yet, that we would not be here discussing this thread. At least not with this spouse.

Also, I don't think he lied to protect her, I think he did to protect himself.


----------



## SacredSex (Sep 19, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> I didn't see the OP mention porn. Did she delete a post? As others have said, I think he didn't want to hurt her, so he made up a clumsy lie. OP, you need to make it safe for your husband to tell you the truth. Tell him that marriage requires honesty; that there should not be anything you two cannot tell each other.
> 
> I would guess that he was protecting you because you were a virgin, but you need to emphasize to him that he can tell you anything, that you do not want to ever have to doubt anything he says to you.


No nothing spicey has been deleted. The references to porn and and other various activities were drawn from other posts Created2Write has participated in.


----------



## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

Guys will say anything for sex, I know I'm one, especially one in his twenties. Whats done is done. Proceed with caution, lying and marriage do not mix gurl.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

SacredSex said:


> You said you needed a straight answer and seeing as how he has not given you one as of yet; Why not have him call the three girlfriends and ask them? I bet they would remember. I doubt they will be as understanding of his "blackout" as you have been. I'm sure their reaction to this silliness would be "Well you sure remembered it then!" and I'll bet it wasn't only once. You might find out more than you want to know.
> 
> You say that it really doesn't matter to you whether he did have sex with them or not, and that his having lied to you isn't the issue, as he's already apologized for this. (Just out of curiosity why has he apologized for lying? How can he know that he lied when he still doesn't know if he had sex?) You've stated that it is the not knowing that troubles you. I assume you are both young and perhaps it is a lack of experience on his part that is causing him to go about things in this manner. I think what would bother me and what may be bothering you is your husband seems to lack the emotional maturity to confront a previously stated falsehood forthrightly and without offering up another one in it's place. The "I can't remember if I had sex with them." defense is completely laughable. Is this the only thing he blacks out? Or is he unable to remember other specific activities with multiple partners?


Well, here are some details about all of this that may be important. He was a virgin up until his second real girlfriend.(This is my assumption, mind you.) He has said that he never even masturbated until after his first real girlfriend gave him a hand job and that, after that, the only release he had was through masturbation. She and him, he says, never had sex and I believe this. He remembers all of their very short relationship. His second real girlfriend is when he says the blackouts start, and it's more than just sex that he can't remember. He remembers seeing certain movies, but not remembering what they were about or what's in them, for example. There are also bits and pieces of phone/text conversations that he doesn't remember. And, as I said before, sections of making out/oral sex that drop off and he doesn't remember what happened afterward. 

His third girlfriend was a virgin with him and he originally told me(when we were dating) that he only had oral sex with her. But, he spent a full two weeks at her house once and slept in her bed with her. I know exactly what he and I did when we were dating and slept in the same bed together, naked or with clothes on, and it certainly wasn't just oral sex. Since discussing this he has said that he doesn't make any sense for it to have just been oral, when he was there, day and night, for two whole weeks with no parents to bother them. 

This is all hard for me to accept. Firstly, I have a fabulous memory and can't understand how someone could forget sex. I remember my very first orgasm, where we were, what he did to make me climax, all of it. There's no way I could for get it. However, hubs, since we've been together, has always been forgetful. Forgetting to go to the store, forgetting little things I've asked for, forgetting conversations we've had, etc. So, while the forgetfulness seems really sketchy, it's not entirely unrealistic. 



SacredSex said:


> Perhaps he can recall going to the movies on dates with these three girls but can't remember a single film they saw (actually this was true for me, when first dating my high school sweetheart, never saw a single film. Every Friday or Saturday night, her mother would drop her off at the theater where I was waiting with the tickets. We would enter the theater, buy a couple of sodas for mixer, and walk into the theater, down the aisle and out the fire exit, into my friend's waiting car and off we would go to drink and have sex in an empty field on the edge of town full of tumble weeds and sage brush. Those were truly wonderful days, but I digress.), or he believes he always orders apple pie at Stucky's after church on Sundays but isn't sure if he has ever eaten it. Its the stuff of alien abduction stories. It's juvenile.
> 
> He has painted himself into a corner and frankly I can't imagine why. First he likely lies to you when he said he was a virgin. Then he decides to kind of fess up and say maybe he did have sex but he "cant remember". Then he goes further and says he's pretty sure he did but still "cant remember", Then further still that he is almost positive that he did but he still "can't remember". So whats going on here? Has he been having flash backs? Does he have a deep rooted gut feeling that "sexy" things might have occurred but his over-protective brain has provided him what most would consider a not-so-plausible deniability on the actuality of it. How does he become increasingly sure that it occurred without actually remembering if it had?


Exactly. This is what bothers me. Why the change in story? When he first told me that he was a virgin, but had had oral sex and hand jobs and slept naked with almost all of his other girlfriends, I was skeptical. Either he was lying, or had an abundance of self-control. And now...I just don't see why he would change his story unless he was lying or had remembered, but then why not say so? It's so confusing to me. lol.



SacredSex said:


> I think its pretty obvious that he is lying about not remembering. That my dear is what you need to be concerned about. He is not only time releasing a confession that he lied about that one little thing; "virginity", before marrying you, but he is also asking that you suspend all disbelief and join him in his fantasy world, giving him the mother-of-all benefits of the doubt and believe him when he tells you what is patently ridiculous. And you know it. You are obviously an intelligent young woman. You say, "as crazy as that sounds...I'll have to believe him", but you don't do you?


No. Not really.



SacredSex said:


> It is unfortunate but understandable that someone might mis-state their level of sexual experience if they thought their partner would disapprove. If he were later to decide to correct this, it would have been preferable to do so prior to your wedding, but similar fears or worse may have pervaded his thinking. I am unsure of the value to you, him, or your marriage of bringing this up after the fact, but to do so in this way has to make you question his emotional maturity at the very least if not his ability, or lack thereof, to be wholly truthful at all. To right a previous wrong with a new and more pervasive wrong isn't righting anything and calls into question his ability to discern the difference.


And this is what bothers me. The sex doesn't bother me. I've known within myself for some time now that he probably had had sex with those two girls. The lying is what gets me. And, sorry for the confusing. He apologized for lying to me before the wedding. He said he couldn't remember it then either, but that he didn't want me to know he couldn't remember so instead decided to say that he was a virgin. That's what he apologized for.



SacredSex said:


> Tell him you wish he could remember and that you hope he had done the deed with these girls. Tell him just the thought of it turns you on to no end and hearing him recount the events in detail would drive you crazy with lustful desire. He'll remember real quick. On e thing a man doesn't forget is his first time and that's all there is to it.


lol. Then I'd be lying. The idea of him with other women, while doesn't bother me, certainly doesn't turn me on at all. 

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I've gently told him about this thread and what people have said, and still...nothing. I'm starting to wonder if this is going to be something I will never hear the truth on. Either that or he really doesn't remember...


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

NewlyWedMomy said:


> I seriously doubt that he "blacked out" or can't remember I think he's trying to gently tell you he's not a virgin! If it was me I'd just tell him that I appreciate his honesty n trying to break the news and that it wont change my feelings or thoughts of him is he tells me the truth that he wasn't a virgin.


I have. In fact the first time we were talking about it(can't remember which of us brought it up) he said, "So...I may not be a virgin." And I said, "I know" as if it was no surprise. He looked at me with a sort of mild shock on his face and I just smiled and shrugged and said, "You've always seemed to know exactly what you're doing and I doubt that comes with just a lot of oral sex." I made light of it, said I didn't care, that I had suspected it since our first year of marriage, and still...no confession. I've never been angry about it, I've never acted hurt about it(had to pretend a little there, tbh), flat out said that I would just assume he wasn't a virgin with me and _still_, nothing.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> wow the sex was either so bad that he blocked it from his memory or the sex was so mind blowing that it acted like a drug and he blacked out.
> 
> 
> I call shenanigans - there's not a chance a in hell he wouldn't remember his first time unless he was super drunk or stoned.


This is what I figured too. He has told me that his second girlfriend wasn't good at oral sex at all, but I guess that means nothing when talking about intercourse. And he's never been stoned, and he's never been very drunk so...


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Locard said:


> Look, people gloss over and try to deflect recollections that mean trouble for them. They will have "gaps" in chronological timelines.
> 
> Straight up, you H is full of ****. Period. I have interrogated a lot of people who "couldn't remember". When we were done they remembered, but it wansn't good for them!
> 
> I sure as heck remember having sex with people. And stop saying it doesn't matter to you, you wouldn't be here asking if that were the case. He is lying, but is probably doing it to try and not hurt you. Funny how that works sometimes, you lie for the "right" reasons and end up hurting people.


The sex with those girls doesn't matter to me. The lying is what does.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

SacredSex said:


> I know you probably haven't even gotten to even read the first one I sent and here I am sending another. I will try to make it shorter than the last. I think it important to consider the time in your lives that this little lie (or potential lie as it were) of his was made. It must have been early of in your courting, and I am sure you had made it clear that you were strong in your religious beliefs, that you had been raised with a strict code of moral conduct, that you were a virgin, and almost completely inexperienced, that you viewed pornography and the viewing of it as a sinful act, that anal sex wasn't on your list of acceptable sexual endeavor, and that your future shared sexuality would be sacred and for the two of you to share alone. And of course he was in full agreement. Amazingly you were both in agreement on all these things and almost equally inexperienced. It almost seems like fate brought you together and you were meant for one another.


Pretty close. 



SacredSex said:


> Now you are finding out that perhaps he was a bit more experienced than he could remember, or admit to himself, or perhaps than he let on. He loved you and didn't want to turn you away prior to your getting to know him. Should he tell you the whole truth from the onset, risking an immediate dismissal and loss of opportunity for any future with you? At the time what would have your feelings been about him if he had said; "Well honey, your innocence is just darling and I couldn't be more smitten with you than I am. But you need to know that I've led a sinful life up to this point. I have given in to the temptations of the flesh and have had sexual relations with at least two girls before you. *I have to admit that I have viewed pornography in the past and I have willfully partaken in the wickedness of pleasuring myself while gazing upon it and was overcome by it's power to bring about an outpouring of sexual gratification.*


Sorry...had to stop here. The bold part: while he has masturbated in the past, he doesn't masturbate to porn. Unless it's been pictures of me, anyway. Just had to clarify. 



SacredSex said:


> And to be really honest, while this might shock you, I must say that I am enamored with your cute little butt and have flights of fancy when considering the potential of licking your anus, or even placing my large and needful manhood deep within it and filling you to the brim with my seed. I think it would be great fun to photograph you naked, prancing about like a porn star or dressed up like a hooker. Even better if we were to record our most intimate moments on video, so we can later view ourselves while we do the Sacred Act, forwards, backwards, and zoomed in up close and personal on super slo-mo. *Perhaps someday we could convince that cute little girlfriend of yours to join us in a threesome in our marital bed to share the beauty that is our lovemaking and to share with us the bounty of her nakedness.*


LOL. Sorry. You're not offending me or anything, it's just that hubs has never had a desire for threesomes or gay sex or orgies or anything like that.  



SacredSex said:


> I truly hope this doesn't turn you away from me, because I really do believe I love you honey, and I think God has a plan for us, and this is it." Now this is just a guess, but I think if confronted with the totality of that you would have run screaming, telling him to never come around your parts again.


Taking everything as a whole, yes. But, since the only two things I would have objected to are the two thing in bold, and also the two he would never have said, then...perhaps not.



SacredSex said:


> Now I know you say both of you are aligned on your view of pornography. That he is against pornography, he doesn't view it, and considers doing so to be wrong. I've met a lot of women who believed this to be true of their significant others. I mean what is the guy supposed to say when his new love interest says, "I think pornography is wrong and using it is a sin against God." What is there to say but, "I agree, it's demeaning to women, and harmful to the stability of the family. It is responsible for the deterioration of the very moral fabric that once made this Nation great. We live in the end times I tell you, a time of wickedness and rebellion against Godliness. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah all over again. Hellfire and brimstone, weeping and wailing, oh,... and gnashing of teeth! It's gonna be hell around here. I'M SURE GLAD WE DON'T LIKE PORN!" What else could he say? "Well, I kind of like it?" Nope, not one of the options.


While I get what you're saying, if one person is really against one thing and the other isn't...isn't it better to just be honest? I mean, what if that one thing is a deal breaker? I would rather him man up and be freaking honest with me and potentially lose the relationship to find someone I'm really in agreement with, than live in a relationship based on lies. 



SacredSex said:


> I think it's great that you and he both are as progressive as you are, and are as willing as you have been to try new things and explore your sexuality together as a married couple. I would imagine that your thinking on a number of subjects has changed somewhat since those early days when you were first dating. Don't be too surprised if a number of the things he professed to at the time are found to be somewhat different as you move forward. Many of these topics are embarrassing to discuss, and to come out in support of things or activities that are shunned by polite society while first getting to know a new girlfriend would be very disconcerting. Even the most honest, and mature man would have difficulty laying all his closely held and personal peccadilloes out on the table for all to see. Everyone has a few things that even they are embarrassed to admit to anyone, even their future wife. In some cases especially their future wife.


I think this is wisdom, actually. While there are some things I know my husband disagrees with(like porn), I have seen things that he wasn't into before marriage become a massive turn on after marriage. He hated the idea of anal sex before marriage. Said it reminded him too much of one of his former bosses who was gay and tried to pay him into having sex. After marriage, anal sex became a fantasy he wanted to try. In our first year of marriage, rim jobs were gross...icky...nasty. After our second anniversary, rim jobs became a fantasy he wanted to try and is now a practice we both enjoy...And could be what convinces me to try anal sex again sometime. So, I definitely think you're right about this. And I have no problem with that. To a certain extent, anyway. 



SacredSex said:


> So I think it's best to keep an open mind as new things are revealed to you. Either about him or about yourself. Take care to to educate yourself as to what these things are really about before laying down concrete opinions on their value. These decisions could have far reaching impacts down the road you wouldn't even consider today.


More good stuff here. 



SacredSex said:


> Let me give you one example and I'll let you alone. I had a young couple that lived in a flat below mine. We got to know one another well and became good friends. They were both very good people. Kind, giving, and caring people. Good to one another, as well as the others in their life. She had suffered some sexual abuse as a child and suffered somewhat from the trauma brought on by this. She was a staunch feminist, who was somewhat introverted, a bit sexually repressed perhaps, and had stated from the beginning her belief that pornography was morally wrong and condemned any use of it. Her boyfriend was a bass player in a steel drum band, was extremely laid back, a super nice guy and had always been successful with the ladies. While he had agreed with her or the morality surrounding pornography he had a secret attraction to it. He didn't want her to think he was a creep, and he really wasn't but none-0the-less there are a bunch of naked ladies in those magazines and DVDs and most guys no matter what they say want to see them. Over time what he had been able to keep a secret at first started to become not so secret. She would find a magazine, or a DVD he had left in the player. For a while he could pass these off as being a band mate's or whatever, but in time it became apparent what it really was. He liked to look at porn while masturbating on occasion. This caused all kinds of trouble, the more she found the more outraged she would become and the more his behavior was driven underground. She was unsure of who she was with and he was feeling beaten up over something that he felt really wasn't a big deal. It got blown out of proportion and began impacting their sex life, and in the end their overall life.
> 
> After they broke-up after 5 or 6 years together, (and there were many reasons, not this alone, just that the relationship had run it's course mainly) she began dating a very good friend of mine. Well she is now 6 years older than she was when she had last entered into a relationship and my friend was a good 10 years older than her and had a number of long term relationships to draw experience from. He was of a mind to be as honest as possible on the key subjects as it's better to find the incompatibilities now going in rather than 5 or 6 years down the road when you're packing your golf clubs, your porn magazines, and your overnight bag into the Volvo and heading to a friends house to stay a while. So when the subject of pornography came up he had a serious discussion with her, albeit light and funny as he always is, but honest. He went on about how he felt the majority of the commercial porn was unhealthy to watch, degrading to both men and women, and anything but what he called erotic. He went further to state that he also felt there was some very good erotic material to be found, be written, printed stills, or video that he found to be very arousing and that he had enjoyed it with a number of his previous lovers to both of their liking. She was taken aback somewhat by this but enjoyed his company and respected his forthright nature enough to give him and his belief the benefit of the doubt. She wanted to see what it was that he found so erotic and see for herself that she was right. Long story short, she found she was in agreement with him and began a lasting appreciation of a number of genres of erotica. What had once proven to be a festering boil on her relationship and played more than just a bit part it its demise, was now something that she enjoyed and found to be a healthy part of her life and relations lasting far longer with her than my friend did.
> 
> ...


Thank you.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Just for clarification, my husband doesn't view porn, and the times that he has, he's always admitted it. 

Also, I'm a bit...concerned with some of the assumptions being made here about DH. Lying is _not_ something he does often. It's only, ever, been this subject that has given cause for me to be suspicious. Nothing else. And honestly, I only have a few choices:

1. I can choose to believe that he does remember the sexual details of his past relationship and either can't or won't tell me the truth. And, at which case, what else is there to do but accept that he wasn't a virgin with me and move on? Unless I want to question absolutely every single thing he's ever told me based on this one mistake...No, he shouldn't have lied. No, he shouldn't keep lying. But unless he confesses to lying how can I know if he really is? I could choose to contact one of his girlfriends and ask her. (The other is not an option. At all. Ever.) But nothing says she'd be telling the truth either. 

2. I could choose to believe that he really can't remember. As unlikely as this seems, he is my husband and he has said more than once that he really can't remember. He does have forgetfulness issues sometimes. Not to the point of forgetting sexual encounters but the relationships he was in were both very, very emotionally upsetting. Perhaps his brain blocked off certain memories to make coping with those relationships easier to bare? 

I might actually contact one of his past girlfriends and see what she says. She's supposed to be a fairly good person so...Maybe I'll get an answer from her. 

Is that a good idea or a bad idea?


----------



## roymcavoy (Apr 15, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> I might actually contact one of his past girlfriends and see what she says. She's supposed to be a fairly good person so...Maybe I'll get an answer from her.
> 
> Is that a good idea or a bad idea?


This is none of my business, and I certainly don't know what it's like to be "lied to" in a relationship . . .

But, as a man...I'd be a little upset if you started calling my old girlfriends for information about me. It just might "feel" a little underhanded and disrespectful (from HIS point of view). You run the risk of making this issue a LOT bigger than it already is.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

roymcavoy said:


> This is none of my business, and I certainly don't know what it's like to be "lied to" in a relationship . . .
> 
> But, as a man...I'd be a little upset if you started calling my old girlfriends for information about me. It just might "feel" a little underhanded and disrespectful (from HIS point of view). You run the risk of making this issue a LOT bigger than it already is.


This was my concern with that idea as well. *sigh* 

Thank you for being honest. I'll have to figure out something else.


----------



## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

Maybe you should let it go? Just a thought...seems like you are both deeply in love and having a good time.

What do you write?


----------



## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Look, here is the deal. Your husband was aware of your strong religious beliefs. He was into you and wanted to have a shot with you. So, knowing that if he had a sexual past could be a deal breaker (whether it was with you or not he was afraid it was), he told you a lie. The thinking was "if she pre-excludes me as a potential mate based on my sexual past than I don't have a chance to win her heart I will tell her what she needs to hear to let me in". 

What happened......You fell in love, got married and now he is stuck. If he tells the truth about lying he fears you will think that he is a liar in general. So he sticks to this 'I do not remember' story. 

You both are very young and in a new marriage. Instead of being so upset about the lie (and understand here that this is a bit of a one time exception and should be communicated as such) why not just sit him down and tell him "although I'm not happy with you lying to me and that's not how our marriage will thrive, I do understand, and am flattered, that you were so interested in having a relationship with me that you were worried that the truth in this instance may have ended our relationship before it started".

Give him a safe way out of this lie. Forgive him. Reassure him that its not a deal breaker. Tell him you love him. Move on.

oh, and just so you can have clarity.............NO GUY EVER, EVER forgets his first sexual experiences. PERIOD. Unless he's had some severe head trauma


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A little interrogation lesson. We only remember what we remember. So, someone providing you with an undirected narrative can't tell you "I went to the store and then I went to the park and then I don't know what happened and then I went home. We call that deception. A truthful person would just leave out the blank parts when relating the narrative. Of course, if you are grilling someone, asking them "tell me where you were from 1:00pm to 2;15pm on Saturday, they might not remember and truthfully say they don't. If they were just giving me their own story of their Saturday, they would relate only the things they remembered. The rest would be empty blanks. Make sense?


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I wonder if you would even beleive it if you saw it on video. We are not grasping at straws here....


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

PFTGuy said:


> Maybe you should let it go? Just a thought...seems like you are both deeply in love and having a good time.
> 
> What do you write?


I'm trying to let it go, and you're right...we are in love, our relationship is really fantastic.

I write a lot of things; novels, poetry, songs, articles on my blogs...


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

kirkster5 said:


> Look, here is the deal. Your husband was aware of your strong religious beliefs. He was into you and wanted to have a shot with you. So, knowing that if he had a sexual past could be a deal breaker (whether it was with you or not he was afraid it was), he told you a lie. The thinking was "if she pre-excludes me as a potential mate based on my sexual past than I don't have a chance to win her heart I will tell her what she needs to hear to let me in".
> 
> What happened......You fell in love, got married and now he is stuck. If he tells the truth about lying he fears you will think that he is a liar in general. So he sticks to this 'I do not remember' story.
> 
> ...


This is a great post. I will definitely do this. Thank you.


----------



## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> I'm trying to let it go, and you're right...we are in love, our relationship is really fantastic.
> 
> I write a lot of things; novels, poetry, songs, articles on my blogs...


Wow, young to have written novels (pleural). I enjoy reading your posts...I bet I'd enjoy reading your novels.


----------



## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

While I have to say that it does sound pretty far-fetched that he really doesn't remember, I guess I'll play devil's advocate and say that there is a remote possibility that he's being truthful.
When I was a youngster and had my very first kiss (from an older boy who I thought was VERY cute, btw  ), I had a bit of a dissociative experience myself. After it happened, I wasn't sure if I had been imagining it or if it really happened. It felt kind of like a dream, if I had to compare it to something relatable. It actually took me until the next time it happened for me to finally figure out that it must have been real since it was happening again. 
Now, I am a very level-headed and logical, undramatic kind of person, so the fact that I was capable of having this kind of experience is surprising to me, even now. 
So anyway, I'm just saying that it's not an impossibility that what he says is true. During times of extreme psychological stress, it can happen.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

PFTGuy said:


> Wow, young to have written novels (pleural). I enjoy reading your posts...I bet I'd enjoy reading your novels.


 Thank you. So far there's only one that is complete. I'm just working on wording, grammar, descriptions and details. It's been over two years in the making so hopefully it will be finished soon. I'm considering cutting it into two novels to make it easier to edit.  

It's a fantasy(like Lord of the Rings and Narnia type fantasy). Do you like fantasy novels?


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

JrsMrs said:


> While I have to say that it does sound pretty far-fetched that he really doesn't remember, I guess I'll play devil's advocate and say that there is a remote possibility that he's being truthful.
> When I was a youngster and had my very first kiss (from an older boy who I thought was VERY cute, btw  ), I had a bit of a dissociative experience myself. After it happened, I wasn't sure if I had been imagining it or if it really happened. It felt kind of like a dream, if I had to compare it to something relatable. It actually took me until the next time it happened for me to finally figure out that it must have been real since it was happening again.
> Now, I am a very level-headed and logical, undramatic kind of person, so the fact that I was capable of having this kind of experience is surprising to me, even now.
> So anyway, I'm just saying that it's not an impossibility that what he says is true. During times of extreme psychological stress, it can happen.


Thank you.


----------



## SacredSex (Sep 19, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> Just for clarification, my husband doesn't view porn, and the times that he has, he's always admitted it.


I was wondering if you could clarify this statement. You have stated here and and/or on other posts that since your Husband and yourself are Christians you are against porn and the use or viewing of it. Also that he doesn't masturbate to porn. You've restated this as quoted above in an interesting way;
*"...my husband doesn't view porn, and the times that he has,..."*​He doesn't, but when he does...? It sounds as if your husband does view porn. How many times has he admitted it? I'm not sure if these are accidental viewings of porn, like say a friend or "band mate" handed him a magazine when he wasn't expecting it. Or perhaps he stopped and went into a store to ask directions and didn't realize it was an adult book store until it was too late. Or maybe he came to, after a "sex blackout", and found himself naked, locked in a booth at an adult video arcade with hard core gay porn streaming on the screen. (okay just kidding a little there ;-)) It's hard to say but is it possible that maybe he's not as against it as you are?

You made a number of statements such as "my husband has never...", or "my husband doesn't..." and honestly I think it is sweet to believe what he says completely, that is how it should be. However things are rarely as they should be, and I would think if you truly are looking to understand your relationship, and gain good counsel on this or any forum you may need to relax this standard and allow for a little human failing in there. Perhaps; "my husband says... and to this point I've no reason to doubt him." To me not telling the truth in every single instance, doesn't make you a liar. Liar is a big word, and it identifies people who are untruthful as an overall character trait, rendering them untrustworthy. 

I don't know the first thing about your husband, but I've known a lot of men in my life. Good upstanding, church going, family men. And one thing I've learned is that men like naked women, and some like naked men. Given the opportunity to view porn they will. Hard core, soft core, gay, lesbian, whatever their preference they'll take a peek. I don't believe that your husband doesn't view porn, or is 100% against it. He may not do it often, he may think he shouldn't, he may even feel bad about it when he does. But he does. 

I'm picking on porn because its easy but I could be making a similar argument about anal sex. I read your statement about how you husband had no interest, thought it was icky, reminded him of being propositioned for gay sex, grossed him out, until out of the blue one night when you were drunk he slipped it in on you. "Hey honey, I know I've always considered anal sex disgusting but I am now oddly compelled to attempt it." Now he counts it on his list of fantasies. Keep in mind this was supposed to be a list of each of your top ten fantasies, which neither of you could do. So you each did 5. Anal Sex made his list of five biggest sexual turn-ons. It's come a long way in a very short time. A "meteoric" ascent up the fantasy list from disgusting to obsession. It's difficult to believe that he didn't already kind of like the idea.

I see so many threads on here about "Oh my God, we've been married for 10 years, and I just caught my husband doing such and such!!" Well, you've been living with, sleeping right next to, sharing a life with, this same man why didn't you know he liked doing that? Why was he so careful to keep this activity secret for so long? I think too many people rather than open their minds to differing thoughts on things stick their heads in the sand and seek oblivion rather than confront reality. Folks are often too black and white on their beliefs. This is "wrong". That is "bad" This one is "Good", do this one. Because it is easier to be that way than to allow a little grey in there and have to figure it out. If you want to naively believe everything your husband says because you want it to be true, I think you are in for a rude awakening. A consensus amongst those who have posted a response on this thread has been to provide a supportive, reassuring, environment full of forgiveness and love to make your husband feel okay fessing up to the lie and the lost virginity. Whatever. That's nice and all, but it belies the existence of a more significant issue. Why did he lie in the first place? And, what's more difficult than that above, what kind of environment do you need to foster to insure he is comfortable telling the truth from here on out?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

SacredSex said:


> He doesn't, but when he does...?



Sex Panther Cologne- 60% of the time, it works every time.


----------



## SacredSex (Sep 19, 2011)

And it works 40% of the time too!


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

SacredSex said:


> I was wondering if you could clarify this statement. You have stated here and and/or on other posts that since your Husband and yourself are Christians you are against porn and the use or viewing of it. Also that he doesn't masturbate to porn. You've restated this as quoted above in an interesting way;
> *"...my husband doesn't view porn, and the times that he has,..."*​He doesn't, but when he does...? It sounds as if your husband does view porn.


Sorry. lol. I didn't want to ramble but I see that I should have clarified. He doesn't view porn regularly, nor does he believe in viewing porn at all. However, he is still sometimes tempted to look things up. Before we were married he looked up porn twice, and then quit. Since we've been married he's looked up inappropriate pictures once. Since I don't know exactly what it was he looked up I don't think it was porn, but it could have been. He admitted all three occurrences right after they took place and hasn't looked anything else up since.



SacredSex said:


> How many times has he admitted it? I'm not sure if these are accidental viewings of porn, like say a friend or "band mate" handed him a magazine when he wasn't expecting it. Or perhaps he stopped and went into a store to ask directions and didn't realize it was an adult book store until it was too late. Or maybe he came to, after a "sex blackout", and found himself naked, locked in a booth at an adult video arcade with hard core gay porn streaming on the screen. (okay just kidding a little there ;-)) It's hard to say but is it possible that maybe he's not as against it as you are?


He's admitted it to viewing it three times, twice before we were married(before we were even dating, but his confession to it was while we were dating) and then once after we married. I seriously doubt he's not as against porn as I am. We've had some very heart to heart talks and he's always been just as against it. In fact, before we married(when we were dating) I asked him his stance on porn before ever giving my opinion and he flat out stated that he believed it to be wrong on every level. So I'd say he and I are both against it very strongly. Unless you're implying that he lied about that too because he knew my background. In which case his whole person could be a lie. He could even be a girl for all I know. 

I choose to believe him because he is my husband. No, he's not perfect. But neither am I. I messed up in a really big way our first year of marriage and if either of us has a reason to not trust the other, he would be the one who had that reason. Yet, he believes me and trusts me and forgives me. So I extend the same to him.



SacredSex said:


> You made a number of statements such as "my husband has never...", or "my husband doesn't..." and honestly I think it is sweet to believe what he says completely, that is how it should be. However things are rarely as they should be, and I would think if you truly are looking to understand your relationship, and gain good counsel on this or any forum you may need to relax this standard and allow for a little human failing in there. Perhaps; "my husband says... and to this point I've no reason to doubt him." To me not telling the truth in every single instance, doesn't make you a liar. Liar is a big word, and it identifies people who are untruthful as an overall character trait, rendering them untrustworthy.


I'm not sure what you're saying here. I know he struggles with temptations but he has always been straight forward and honest about his beliefs and standards, especially with sexually inappropriate things. He doesn't even look at nudity in movies. I respect that in him. And if he says he's against it, I believe him. Moreover I'm not going to relax on a standard that would have prevented us from ever getting married, no matter which of us had the more relaxed view on porn. We both are against it and if I had been the one who was into porn, he would not have married me. Likewise me with him.



SacredSex said:


> I don't know the first thing about your husband, but I've known a lot of men in my life. Good upstanding, church going, family men. And one thing I've learned is that men like naked women, and some like naked men. Given the opportunity to view porn they will. Hard core, soft core, gay, lesbian, whatever their preference they'll take a peek. I don't believe that your husband doesn't view porn, or is 100% against it. He may not do it often, he may think he shouldn't, he may even feel bad about it when he does. But he does.


With respect, I don't give a sh.it what you think about my husband. If he tells me he doesn't view porn, I believe him. Is he tempted to? Yeah. Heck, sometimes I'm even tempted to look up naughty things. But I don't. And I believe him when he says he doesn't either. I know him better than anyone, and certainly better than you. And I don't appreciate your assumption to the contrary. My husband is not an ordinary man. I believe he has a strong, healthy sexual drive and I also know he has temptations and urges to view porn. But he rarely acts on those urges, and he does believe porn to be wrong. He's not ordinary, and that's why I married him.



SacredSex said:


> I'm picking on porn because its easy but I could be making a similar argument about anal sex. I read your statement about how you husband had no interest, thought it was icky, reminded him of being propositioned for gay sex, grossed him out, until out of the blue one night when you were drunk he slipped it in on you. "Hey honey, I know I've always considered anal sex disgusting but I am now oddly compelled to attempt it." Now he counts it on his list of fantasies. Keep in mind this was supposed to be a list of each of your top ten fantasies, which neither of you could do. So you each did 5. Anal Sex made his list of five biggest sexual turn-ons. It's come a long way in a very short time. A "meteoric" ascent up the fantasy list from disgusting to obsession. It's difficult to believe that he didn't already kind of like the idea.


A lot of things are difficult to understand with him. He deals with overly stressful/painful events in an odd way: he doesn't think about them. This often leads to forgetfulness on his part, to the point where certain conversations and events can be misplaced in his mind. And, someone said here in this thread that it isn't uncommon for sexual turn ons to progress through the marriage. I believe that's what happened with anal sex. The other two girlfriends he had were either horrid themselves, or the situations around the relationship was horrid. I was the first girl he loved enough to consider anal sex with.(His words.) Not difficult for me to grasp at all. I was also very against anal sex and anything involving the anus. Yet with him, my mind is open and my desires have progressed. Again, not difficult to grasp unless you're intentionally looking for the negative.



SacredSex said:


> I see so many threads on here about "Oh my God, we've been married for 10 years, and I just caught my husband doing such and such!!" Well, you've been living with, sleeping right next to, sharing a life with, this same man why didn't you know he liked doing that? Why was he so careful to keep this activity secret for so long? I think too many people rather than open their minds to differing thoughts on things stick their heads in the sand and seek oblivion rather than confront reality. Folks are often too black and white on their beliefs. This is "wrong". That is "bad" This one is "Good", do this one. Because it is easier to be that way than to allow a little grey in there and have to figure it out. If you want to naively believe everything your husband says because you want it to be true, I think you are in for a rude awakening. A consensus amongst those who have posted a response on this thread has been to provide a supportive, reassuring, environment full of forgiveness and love to make your husband feel okay fessing up to the lie and the lost virginity. Whatever. That's nice and all, but it belies the existence of a more significant issue. Why did he lie in the first place? And, what's more difficult than that above, what kind of environment do you need to foster to insure he is comfortable telling the truth from here on out?


I'm honestly hesitant to explain this because your next response will be more negativity and distrust about how I'm just being naive to believe him. But I'd rather believe him and live in happiness then distrust absolutely everything he says just because you, someone who doesn't know him and has never met him, doesn't understand him.

I've read everything you said to him, and he is just as upset about what you have said. I know you probably have good intentions, but you need to alter what you say. Just because you believe something doesn't mean it's accurate or true. And encouraging someone to distrust their spouse simply because you don't understand the individual is nonsense.


----------



## SacredSex (Sep 19, 2011)

First things first; I apologize for speaking out of turn or overstepping my bounds to the extent that I have offended you. That certainly was not my intention. 



Created2Write said:


> With respect, *I don't give a sh.it what you think about my husband.* If he tells me he doesn't view porn, I believe him. Is he tempted to? Yeah. Heck, sometimes I'm even tempted to look up naughty things. But I don't. And I believe him when he says he doesn't either. I know him better than anyone, and certainly better than you. And I don't appreciate your assumption to the contrary. *My husband is not an ordinary man.* I believe he has a strong, healthy sexual drive and I also know he has temptations and urges to view porn. But he rarely acts on those urges, and he does believe porn to be wrong. *He's not ordinary,* and that's why I married him.


I am glad my opinion of your husband means nothing to you. That is as it should be. Please know, however that I don't have a negative view of your husband. I don't hold the same negative view of porn that you do and as such assuming that he like the vast majority of men are drawn to erotic images doesn't have a negative connotation for me as it would for you. Up to this point you had stated flatly that he was against it, thought it was wrong, didn't use it and didn't view it. I haven't known a whole lot of men like that, that I am aware of. You've clarified this for me and I understand now that he like other men has urges to view porn but he doesn't act on them because he thinks it's wrong. I guess I misunderstood. I thought this was more of a staunch opposition to it. For me, things that I am "against", are easy not to do. I am against racism. I don't have urges to join the Klan or burn crosses now and again. I have no problem maintaining my vigilance in this regard. I am against poaching Ivory. I don't kill elephants, or rhinos, and I will not purchase anything made of ivory. I have no problem what-so-ever resisting any temptation to do so. On the other hand, I know that eating fatty foods is bad for me and I should not do it. Many fatty foods taste really good and I am tempted to eat them. I am not "against" fatty foods per se'. I like fatty foods but I know that I should not eat them. Sometimes I fail in my desire to resist eating fatty foods. I have urges to do things that I like doing. I think that is normal. Somethings are not good for me that I like doing, and those are the things I try not to do, but that doesn't mean I don't like them or that I don't like doing them just that I know I shouldn't. I believe this to be normal, or "ordinary". 

I made the mistake of simply assuming he is much like other men. I see here that you have clarified this somewhat indicating that he's anything but ordinary. As such, I have little input. I have no idea what would be an effective approach with an extraordinary man. I would think they would be unique in their way and any advice would have to be tailored to them specifically.




Created2Write said:


> Sorry. lol. I didn't want to ramble but I see that I should have clarified. He doesn't view porn regularly, nor does he believe in viewing porn at all. However, he is still sometimes tempted to *look things up*. Before we were married he *looked up porn* twice, and then quit. Since we've been married he's *looked up inappropriate pictures* once. Since I don't know exactly what it was he *looked up* I don't think it was porn, but it could have been. He admitted all three occurrences right after they took place and hasn't *looked anything else up* since.


One thing is for sure, you are against porn. If that wasn't clear before, I doubt it is lost on anyone now. Even an ordinary man such as myself can pick up on this. You stated that on three occurrences he "looked up" porn. Should I assume he did this on a computer? Porn is available in numerous types of media, electronic, DVD, print. You can even look it up on your phone. You have to be careful viewing porn with computers because they save all kinds of information that can give you away. You can try cleaning up after yourself but it's difficult to get everything and if it's a shared computer with someone who might be upset to find you have been looking at porn that can be dangerous. It's like a ticking time bomb, as it's likely they'll eventually come across it. Although there are very handy applications that can cloak your web travels and clean up your trail for you. Makes for very stealthy porn viewing if there is an issue with your spouse or there are children around the house.



Created2Write said:


> I was the first girl he *loved enough to consider anal sex with.*(His words.) Not difficult for me to grasp at all.


You must see the humor inherent in a statement such as this. I do apologize for having implied that you are naive.



Created2Write said:


> I'm honestly hesitant to explain this because your next response will be more *negativity and distrust* about how I'm just being naive to believe him. But I'd rather believe him and live in happiness then *distrust absolutely everything he says just because you*, someone who doesn't know him and has never met him, doesn't understand him.
> 
> *I've read everything you said* to him, and he is just as upset about what you have said. I know you probably have good intentions, but *you need to alter what you say.* Just because you believe something doesn't mean it's accurate or true. And *encouraging someone to distrust their spouse* simply because you don't understand the individual is *nonsense.*


Have you truly read everything I said? Because it doesn't seem to be getting across as I wrote it. I am not and never have suggested that you should "distrust your spouse", much less "distrust absolutely everything he says". To suggest that I have is nonsense. In fact I went out of my way to suggest otherwise if you will recall the following;

You made a number of statements such as "my husband has never...", or "my husband doesn't..." and honestly I think it is sweet to believe what he says completely, that is how it should be. However things are rarely as they should be, and I would think if you truly are looking to understand your relationship, and gain good counsel on this or any forum you may need to relax this standard and allow for a little human failing in there. Perhaps; "my husband says... and to this point I've no reason to doubt him." *To me not telling the truth in every single instance, doesn't make you a liar. Liar is a big word, and it identifies people who are untruthful as an overall character trait, rendering them untrustworthy.*​
Stating without equivocation that I don't believe falsely representing yourself in this type of situation, in and of itself, would make a person a liar or render them untrustworthy. Perhaps you feel differently.

You have stated that I should alter my words, and to the extent that they have failed to communicate the meaning intended I would agree. But changing what I meant to say, to say something else because you don't like it, or disagree with it is not something I am willing to do. This is a forum where folks post their opinions. This is mine. If you would rather I not post to your threads, I will refrain. I would suggest however if you are not really wanting one I wouldn't request a *Straight Answer*. Or perhaps you should just ask your husband.


----------



## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

I know I'm new in here...but you say it doesn't really matter to you...assume he is trying to break it to you gently and that he did have sex with them and move on...I wouldn't stress yourself about it, unless you think there is something else that he is trying to tell you...

Don't over complicate it for yourself...I would say that he probably wants to tell you for some reason or another, but is afraid of the outcome from being totally truthful...you probably won't be able to totally convince him that there will be no consequences...so assume that he did, but is afraid to tell you and let it go.

My two cents...

Later.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kirkster5 said:


> Look, here is the deal. Your husband was aware of your strong religious beliefs. He was into you and wanted to have a shot with you. So, knowing that if he had a sexual past could be a deal breaker (whether it was with you or not he was afraid it was), he told you a lie. The thinking was "if she pre-excludes me as a potential mate based on my sexual past than I don't have a chance to win her heart I will tell her what she needs to hear to let me in".
> 
> What happened......You fell in love, got married and now he is stuck. If he tells the truth about lying he fears you will think that he is a liar in general. So he sticks to this 'I do not remember' story.
> 
> ...


I agree with this, I know alot of young virgin girls who WOULD dump the guy if she learned this, it is a "deal breaker" for them . My thoughts is ....he didn't want to loose you, so he fibbed. Wasn't right, but his love was so overwhelming, he couldn't face the "possibilty" of loosing you. Even if you knew it wouldn't be a deal breaker, he was ashamed or just couldn't let you down like that, he wanted you to be totally & fullfillingly happy & felt that might crush you emotionally ,even if it may not have-- (and likely he knew those experiences meant nothing to him, so he rationalized them away- tried to bury them -like they never happened)... possibility?

There was another situation like this on this forum where the wife didn't reveal her past experiences to her virgin husband (in this case he did make it clear she would be history), and when he learned of this years later, he was SO UPSET , he was questioning his whole marriage, even saying he would not have married her. 


Here is that thread : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ifes-sexual-past-lies-about-being-virgin.html

I see a little drama here with Sacred Sex. I have to be honest as well, most men WILL slip up & view porn- at some point in this life. Very very few are that good to never feist their eyes upon it. And most WILL hide it, why create drama, plus they feel bad about it themselves, sinful, ashamed depending on their beliefs. 

I have a 20 yr old virgin son, he is a wanna be youth pastor, had you met him, you would think he is the finest example of a young man, he does not even believe in dating per say, but "courting" because of his beliefs but I know , cause we talk about it ALL, he struggles with PORN, he has put things on his laptop to block it, he feels like hell about it , he believes it is wrong/wrong/wrong, sinful and he hates himself when he slips up, but he won't lie about it to others. It is the biggest struggle of HIS LIFE. Nothing else temps him in life, but that --oh yes! Keeps him humble anyway, like he is no better than anyone else. 

Thers is a REASON books like this are written... Amazon.com: Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series) (9781578563685): Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey: Books 

My husband waited to have sex with me also, but let me tell you, he hid 300 playboy magazines from his mom, most of what he learned he got from reading those articles, he did do a little more than look. VERY VERY COMMON. I used to post scriptures on the computer when I caught him (all he ever looked at was playboy bunnies -very tame) , so he hid it from me. Now we are VERY OPEN about it. Even watch some soft porn together. 

Just saying, even the very BEST of men struggle here. Even if you go to this very unique Christian Sex forum, scroll down this long list of subjects and NOTICE which has the HIGHEST number of topics........ Pornograghy 

The Marriage Bed • Index page

But you are right, your husband could be a rare exception, who am I to say!! It is between the 2 of you. I am sure such men do exist. But in a small small minority. 

Even my own Pastor, the very 1st sermon I heard him speak -over 18 yrs ago now, he was openly talking about his addiction to Porn in his youth, I was like "WOW, this dude really says it like it is " --one of the reasons I stayed at that church, I found HIS "open honesty" refreshing.

Not that any of this matters, it is about other men, not your husband, just my 2 cents.


----------



## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

He was afraid to tell you the truth in the beginning because you had "wife potential". My wife was a virgin before me. I was getting more booty than a toilet seat :rofl::lol:, I told her the truth because I wasn't expecting *any *from her. 

But this one time I met a virgin that was hotter than bacon grease , I wanted to tell her that I was King of Jordan and a Super hero that saves cats from trees. But I couldn't lie to her. Of course my sexual experience turned her on, but also made her think that "I'm not husband material" and that I was unfaithful. 

So that's why he didn't tell you the truth.

P.S. I didn't get that much booty (I had my fair share)and that Virgin girl married a guy who's cheated on her 5 times already, each time was because she wasn't in the mood.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

SacredSex said:


> First things first; I apologize for speaking out of turn or overstepping my bounds to the extent that I have offended you. That certainly was not my intention.


Thank you. 



SacredSex said:


> I am glad my opinion of your husband means nothing to you. That is as it should be. Please know, however that I don't have a negative view of your husband. I don't hold the same negative view of porn that you do and as such assuming that he like the vast majority of men are drawn to erotic images doesn't have a negative connotation for me as it would for you. Up to this point you had stated flatly that he was against it, thought it was wrong, didn't use it and didn't view it. I haven't known a whole lot of men like that, that I am aware of. You've clarified this for me and I understand now that he like other men has urges to view porn but he doesn't act on them because he thinks it's wrong. I guess I misunderstood. I thought this was more of a staunch opposition to it. For me, things that I am "against", are easy not to do. I am against racism. I don't have urges to join the Klan or burn crosses now and again. I have no problem maintaining my vigilance in this regard. I am against poaching Ivory. I don't kill elephants, or rhinos, and I will not purchase anything made of ivory. I have no problem what-so-ever resisting any temptation to do so. On the other hand, I know that eating fatty foods is bad for me and I should not do it. Many fatty foods taste really good and I am tempted to eat them. I am not "against" fatty foods per se'. I like fatty foods but I know that I should not eat them. Sometimes I fail in my desire to resist eating fatty foods. I have urges to do things that I like doing. I think that is normal. Somethings are not good for me that I like doing, and those are the things I try not to do, but that doesn't mean I don't like them or that I don't like doing them just that I know I shouldn't. I believe this to be normal, or "ordinary".
> 
> I made the mistake of simply assuming he is much like other men. I see here that you have clarified this somewhat indicating that he's anything but ordinary. As such, I have little input. I have no idea what would be an effective approach with an extraordinary man. I would think they would be unique in their way and any advice would have to be tailored to them specifically.
> 
> ...


I apologize if I misunderstood. I felt that my standards were being questioned and that you were trying to convince me to lower them since "he probably views porn anyway, cause most men do, and just hides it from you because your standards are so high." I didn't put the quotations because that's what you said, I put the quotations because that's what I got from your post and I did NOT appreciate it. 



SacredSex said:


> You have stated that I should alter my words, and to the extent that they have failed to communicate the meaning intended I would agree. But changing what I meant to say, to say something else because you don't like it, or disagree with it is not something I am willing to do.


That's not what I meant, either. I meant that it would be best to save any and all assumptions for yourself and ask for clarification before implying/flat out stating that someone's husband(whom you don't know) probably views porn, because most men you know do. That's a very dangerous thing to say.



SacredSex said:


> This is a forum where folks post their opinions. This is mine. If you would rather I not post to your threads, I will refrain. I would suggest however if you are not really wanting one I wouldn't request a *Straight Answer*. Or perhaps you should just ask your husband.


I _have_ asked my husband. I came here for a straight answer on whether people here thought he was a virgin or not. I have received many straight forward answers to that question and have no qualms with what people have said. I did _not_, at any time, ask if anyone thought he viewed porn. If you straight answer had been directed to what I had actually asked, I wouldn't be offended. But since it wasn't, and since so much of what you wrote went _beyond_ straight forward and crossed over into the realm of things that are not your place to say, I am offended. I thank you for your apologies. No, I don't want you to avoid my threads. You have said some things here and in other threads that I do find valuable. But going so far as to say this,


SacredSex said:


> I don't believe that your husband doesn't view porn, or is 100% against it. He may not do it often, he may think he shouldn't, he may even feel bad about it when he does. But he does.


 is way, way out of line. Your opinion on porn is one thing. Your conclusion that my husband views porn and hides it from me, based on nothing but your personal experience when you've never even met my husband, despite my repeating that he doesn't view porn, is incredibly offensive.


----------



## SacredSex (Sep 19, 2011)

Point taken. Again my apologies.


----------

