# Sacrificing Dreams for the Sake of your Marriage



## HawaiiBreeze (Jun 25, 2014)

Hey folks

Need some opinions. I have a masters degree in a field where I can travel and work in many countries. My problem is I met my husband and got marriage to him before I got a chance to really have the adventure I wanted. Anyway I love him and want to make this marriage the best I can, however how do I surpress that little fire inside me that keeps saying you could have gone to Africa for a year before you got married. You could have gone to South America...

Its too late now to ask him to move. He cant leave his steady job. And he is dead against me leaving for a year. He thinks it will be detrimental to our marriage and perhaps its right. A year is a long time. Also I am looking for a job right now been a year already! So to say to him, i want to go off to africa, he would go balistic. ANyhoo we dont have kids yet. We just got marriage been about two years.

All my friends and fam say grass is greener in the other side. They say if I had gone, I would be home sick and come home fast. Or the living situation in those volunteer type settings isnt ideal and it wouldnt be all comfortable. And to be honest Im really not that sad I didnt get to have a high flying international career, its just that I wanted adventure travelling and meeting new people and experience a culture and getting work experience doing grass roots work before I got settled in one location. I kick myself for not doing it sooner and slacking off! 

I need help to let things go and move on....OR do you think i should drop everything off, go for 6 months and come back and get it out of the way. My husband would be mad at me though...also 6 months isnt really enough to help me find a job back home (within the same field) as the experience isnt long enough and Im already having trouble finding a job (its been a year now Ive been searching)! 

Any thoughts?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

This is a decision you ALREADY made when you married your husband. He is 100% right that your marriage will be over if you go. It is too late now.

Also I'm not sure what prevents you from finding a job locally?

Dreams are usually just that, dream. Nothing less and nothing more. I know many people say and recommend to chase your dream and all, and I know VERY small percentage of them succeed. But reality is MUCH MUCH different.

I had dreams, but I also accepted that they were not realistic. For every person that succeeds chasing their dream there is MILLIONS that tried and failed, you simply don't hear about those.

Your dream is to go to Africa or South America? Really?

If I was to think of the worst possible place on this planet to put myself into, those 2 would probably on top of my list. Are you aware of the history of these 2 regions? I really hope you know what you are getting yourself into.....

And you know how I know your husband loves you very much? Cause under no circumstances he wants you to be far away or in a place that has a long history of corruption, genocide, war, amongst many other things. Don't get me wrong, I know Africa and South America has it's beauty and all (heck I'm all about nature) but watching it all from my living room couch is WAY more appealing than the hassles of traveling there/spending time there and putting myself in a location that is completely sketchy and unpredictable. No thanks.

I'm pretty sure you already made the decision.....you just haven't accepted it yet, and personally I think you should.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

You did not "sacrifice your dreams for the sake of your marriage." Get that out of your head. You CHOSE marriage, meaning you decided that was your priority. No one made you do anything. Now the choice is made, so you have to accept the consequences of it. Choosing one thing always means not choosing something else.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... If you're really considering going off for 6 months or a year, you weren't ready to get married. My first guess is immature, but I don't know you, obviously. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HawaiiBreeze (Jun 25, 2014)

Truth be told, I wasnt really that mature or ready for marriage. We met and got married within less than a year. i do love him but we have our share of problems. We fight almost everyday. The reason I cannot find work so easily is because the area we live in doesnt have that many opportunities in my career choice.

I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like, how I would be as a person, if I had taken the international work life, like so many people in my field have done. I should have done this about two years ago and this would give me the experience I need to get a job back home too...anyhoo....whatever...not everything you want in life can come true....


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

HawaiiBreeze said:


> Truth be told, I wasnt really that mature or ready for marriage. We met and got married within less than a year.


That's your fault, isn't it?



HawaiiBreeze said:


> i do love him but we have our share of problems. We fight almost everyday.


Sounds extremely unhealthy....



HawaiiBreeze said:


> The reason I cannot find work so easily is because the area we live in doesnt have that many opportunities in my career choice.


And you think going to 3rd world countries will give you that opportunity?

:scratchhead:




HawaiiBreeze said:


> I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like, how I would be as a person, if I had taken the international work life, like so many people in my field have done. I should have done this about two years ago and this would give me the experience I need to get a job back home too...anyhoo....whatever...not everything you want in life can come true....


You need to stop wondering and playing "what if" games in your head.

Does it really matter "what if"?

What if you took your time and took proper steps to build your relationship before you got married?

What if you went abroad and got killed....abducted.....or simply died in a plane crash?

What if the world ended yesterday?

You see where I'm going with this? 

You are chasing a dream in your head, while most likely completely ignoring and not working hard on reality. The reality that YOU made happen.

Regardless where you go on this planet, you will ALWAYS have to deal with the consequences of your own actions.

Work on your marriage and stand by the decisions you have made.

That should probably be your primary concern, not your "dream" (which seems like a nightmare to me)


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

HawaiiBreeze said:


> Truth be told, I wasnt really that mature or ready for marriage. We met and got married within less than a year. i do love him but we have our share of problems. We fight almost everyday. The reason I cannot find work so easily is because the area we live in doesnt have that many opportunities in my career choice.
> 
> I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like, how I would be as a person, if I had taken the international work life, like so many people in my field have done. I should have done this about two years ago and this would give me the experience I need to get a job back home too...anyhoo....whatever...not everything you want in life can come true....


Well, you still have some options, given that you don't have kids:

1) You could take the risk and go abroad anyway. I think there is a very strong chance this would kill your marriage, but you could still try it.

2) You could file for divorce. No kids yet, I assume you haven't even bought a house together or anything, so not the end of the world. If you really don't think you can be happy in the marriage, this might actually be the best thing to do -- staying in a marriage you don't really want will cause more harm in the long run.

3) You could accept your marriage and try to find smaller "adventures" in your life, even some together.

If you're fighting all the time already, that's not good, but I wonder if part of why your fighting isn't your own difficulty accepting the situation you're in. 

In any case, forcing yourself to see things in terms of your options that are actually in front of you instead of what *could have been* is always better, and is often clarifying. Maybe you will realize that you don't really want this marriage, or maybe you will realize that you didn't really want the adventure as much as you thought you did.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Take a vacation to one of those places, do volunteer work during that time if you wish. Have you husband go with you, or go for a few weeks or a month alone. It's a reasonable compromise, you'll experience some of the things you wanted, and may well get it out of your system. If he can't agree to this very limited idea, then perhaps he's being selfish.

A year or six months is too much, I agree. However, a limited experience is better than none, and marriage should not kill all your dreams. A loving partner will help you realize your dreams and support them - though perhaps in a much more limited fashion.

My wife wanted to create a new career after a lengthy illness - she couldn't do what she had been doing before. She went away for three months to take courses and gain a certification that allowed her to pursue a new career that would accomodate her limitations. It was hard, but I fully supported her. She got the certification, and is now pursuing that career. I am happy to have helped her achieve her new dream - and she appreciates that I did. Win-win.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You made a conscious choice to marry before doing what you wanted. 

No one forced you. Now this is your life but it doesn't always have to be. 

life changes all the time. 

I dunno what more to say.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Take a vacation to one of those places, do volunteer work during that time if you wish. Have you husband go with you, or go for a few weeks or a month alone. It's a reasonable compromise, you'll experience some of the things you wanted, and may well get it out of your system. If he can't agree to this very limited idea, then perhaps he's being selfish.


I would be really curious to see if OP is even remotely capable of handling such environment as she describes in her "dream".

How about a little test to get a feel for things. Go ahead and do an Appalachian trail for a WEEK. Assume you will be in LOT worse conditions when you are done (more extreme weather, other people's needs to take care of, environment) and really figure out if your dream is REALLY a dream.

:sleeping:


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Well, you still have some options, given that you don't have kids:
> 
> 1) You could take the risk and go abroad anyway. I think there is a very strong chance this would kill your marriage, but you could still try it.
> 
> ...



4) You could consider an alternate career choice, something in line with your education but of a more practical position in accordance with your current environment instead of something that only seems to fit in some other country.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

You made the wrong decision to get married; either with respect to the person, or the timing. It's ok. That's not popular to say, but that's my opinion. When people decide to marry, no one does a "check" on that for you; literally, ANY TWO people (well, hetero, nowadays, at least!) can simply just decide to do so. And, alert, a lot of people shouldn't, they just shouldn't. I can't for the life of me figure out why people hold so strong to the idea that, oh well, you made the choice, too bad! We'll "allow" people to quit/change jobs, sell/buy a diferent car, or a house....examples of decisions everywhere that we make, that require a lot of investment, be it money, or time, that we are very quick to say, "if you don't like it, it's ok, it worked for a while, but now it doesn't, so move on..." Yet, we will tell people that they have to stick out a marriage - an intense, evolving, involved relationship, that is just ripe with potential issues (see: this forum!) - no matter what, no matter what you have to sacrifice, simply because "you promised." It's completely unreasonable.


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## HawaiiBreeze (Jun 25, 2014)

DoF said:


> I would be really curious to see if OP is even remotely capable of handling such environment as she describes in her "dream".
> 
> How about a little test to get a feel for things. Go ahead and do an Appalachian trail for a WEEK. Assume you will be in LOT worse conditions when you are done (more extreme weather, other people's needs to take care of, environment) and really figure out if your dream is REALLY a dream.
> 
> :sleeping:


Hey this all seems to be valid to some extent and i know you are just trying to help me but I just wanted to clarify somethings cause not everywhere is it that dangerous.

Kenya for instance has a big UN community and gates residences for UN workers. They provide you with support to live there even if outside it might be dangerous to room around yourself.

Also not all SA countries are dangerous! Argentina is like Europe. If you go to Peru and live in Lima, you wont be kidnapped or killed by guerrillas such as in Colombia. 

You are not leading a comfortable life in the US only is what I mean. Heck in many of these third world countries, you can hire people to work for you for cheap and they do all the work and when you come back to the US you feel so nostalgic cause you didnt ever have to cook or clean back there and were spoiled. (this is in the case of people who for instance live in a country for a long time and work there).


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## WillinTampa (Jun 18, 2014)

HawaiiBreeze said:


> Hey folks
> 
> Need some opinions. I have a masters degree in a field where I can travel and work in many countries. My problem is I met my husband and got marriage to him before I got a chance to really have the adventure I wanted. Anyway I love him and want to make this marriage the best I can, however how do I surpress that little fire inside me that keeps saying you could have gone to Africa for a year before you got married. You could have gone to South America...
> 
> ...



That's called marriage --- you're F'd


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

HawaiiBreeze said:


> Hey this all seems to be valid to some extent and i know you are just trying to help me but I just wanted to clarify somethings cause not everywhere is it that dangerous.
> 
> Kenya for instance has a big UN community and gates residences for UN workers. They provide you with support to live there even if outside it might be dangerous to room around yourself.
> 
> ...


Don't get me wrong, I know the world has more GOOD than bad. This applies to EVERY country. But I also know (based on history) that it can only take 1 bad person to ruin the whole country....and the world.

Also, keep in mind I'm from another country and came to US. I've seen and know plenty about other countries.

Bottom line, you won't change the world and whatever work you will do will not really make a dent. There is a GOOD reason why the world is the way it is. 

I've accepted long LONG ago it's mission impossible (as much as I would like to help). I simply apply that logic to my family/household/what's around me. That IS within my control.

Saving the world, will ALWAYS remain a dream no matter what you do.


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## HawaiiBreeze (Jun 25, 2014)

DoF said:


> Don't get me wrong, I know the world has more GOOD than bad. This applies to EVERY country. But I also know (based on history) that it can only take 1 bad person to ruin the whole country....and the world.
> 
> Also, keep in mind I'm from another country and came to US. I've seen and know plenty about other countries.
> 
> ...


OK but I dont want to save the world. I just want to get a little adventure along the way while I get work experience doing it in my career of passion and choice. I have to make my living and I have to be career oriented and advance my career. My husband is holding me back to be honest, but I am too chicken **** to do anything about it cause I fear loosing him and making it worst. I dont know for sure what will happen if I make my dreams come true and i am just a coward. I am settling in life, with him, in this place where there is little room to flourish in my career.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

If your husband had any sense he would D you now before kids show up and you bail on him anyway.

If want to go chase your dreams then do it. D your H first, then do it. But no, you want a cushy safety net of him still being there waiting for you just in case, which doesn't quite make it the adventure you want it to be.

If you do go and your H actually is there when (or if) you come back, he's a total fool.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

I don't think you are being immature. Nothing wrong with going abroad for six months and doing long distance relationship. My friends boyfriend is away for work. He is advancing his career while his f2f is here working too! It shouldn't be the end of a relationship. 

I am just wondering why do you fight everyday? Maybe this is causing resentment on your part and this is why you are day dreaming.

I think you should go and work abroad. I am not happy being dependent on some financially. What if somewhere down the line you have problems in your marriage. Couldn't that be your gut feeling? Intuition? We don't always get I'm touch with this feeling and make a mess out of our lives. I have ignored my gut feeling many times only to regret it later. 

My sister made a similar decision nen years ago and now she is a stay at home mum and sad about it. She isn't happy in her marriage either.

I could be wrong though but this is why I would do if I were in your place;all the answers are within.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

HawaiiBreeze said:


> .... having trouble finding a job (its been a year now Ive been searching)!
> 
> Any thoughts?





HawaiiBreeze said:


> ... The reason I cannot find work so easily is because the area we live in doesnt have that many opportunities in my career choice.....


Umm, get a job in another field?

A lot of people never got the job of their dreams, and instead just started working in any available field, and worked their way up. 

Just get any job you can for now. Wait table, tend bar, bag groceries, clean houses, whatever.


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore (Sep 12, 2013)

DoF said:


> *This is a decision you ALREADY made when you married your husband. He is 100% right that your marriage will be over if you go. It is too late now.*
> 
> Also I'm not sure what prevents you from finding a job locally?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Modify your dreams to include the commitment you've made and allow your husband to be part of them. In no way should you ever consider children until you've become happy with your situation and fully discussed your individual family roles with your H.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I had dreams of having a ferrari before I got married. I could've had one, too.

I still miss having a ferrari. But not so much that I'd dump my wife to get one.

You can travel together. You can do all kinds of things.

You can also mature a bit and realize you made a commitment.


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore (Sep 12, 2013)

DoF said:


> That's your fault, isn't it?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree: This is the attainment of maturity


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore (Sep 12, 2013)

HawaiiBreeze said:


> Hey this all seems to be valid to some extent and i know you are just trying to help me but I just wanted to clarify somethings cause not everywhere is it that dangerous.
> 
> Kenya for instance has a big UN community and gates residences for UN workers. They provide you with support to live there even if outside it might be dangerous to room around yourself.
> 
> ...


That's all fine and good but it's besides the point. The question is how you feel about your existing commitment. Honestly, I'm getting the feeling you've made up your mind to go or you'll be holding resentment that will sink your marriage anyway.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

HawaiiBreeze said:


> OK but I dont want to save the world. I just want to get a little adventure along the way while I get work experience doing it in my career of passion and choice. I have to make my living and I have to be career oriented and advance my career. My husband is holding me back to be honest, but I am too chicken **** to do anything about it cause I fear loosing him and making it worst. I dont know for sure what will happen if I make my dreams come true and i am just a coward. I am settling in life, with him, in this place where there is little room to flourish in my career.


Nothing is free. You stay with your husband and don't travel like you want. You go travel, you leave him behind and risk him deciding he is better off without you.

I do find it interesting that your reasons for going continue to change. They include, but are not limited to:

1) Getting adventure;
2) You were not mature or ready for marriage;
3) You fight every day;
4) advancing your career;
5) resenting him; and
6) settling for him (though you say you love him).

To me, the last one is the kicker. He deserves better. If you really do love him, let him go (he deserves better than a wife who thinks she settled) and figure out what you want. I think it is clear that you have no idea.


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## HawaiiBreeze (Jun 25, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Nothing is free. You stay with your husband and don't travel like you want. You go travel, you leave him behind and risk him deciding he is better off without you.
> 
> I do find it interesting that your reasons for going continue to change. They include, but are not limited to:
> 
> ...


Why can't all those things be reasons. A lot of people get married before they realise they have gotten themselves into too deep and made a rash decision. My husband and I are both in agreement we are two very different people in how we think and we react to fights etc. We are having compatibility problems. But that doesnt mean we don't love each other or we want to sacrifice our relationship. One needs a support companion in life. I am of the mentality that once married one shouldnt divorce easily. I do love him and there are good sides to him but I feel I am wasting my life here (career wise) and I do have some resentment. Anyway life isnt all clear black and white. I sometimes feel I am foolish to chase a dream like many of you have said. Sometimes i feel I should go for what I want and if he loves me he will be supportive. I mean 1 year or 6 months long distance isnt the worst thing.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think you have already posted a thread here about the same thing before under a different name. Ask yourself why you keep stalling on making a decision about this.


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## HawaiiBreeze (Jun 25, 2014)

John Lee said:


> I think you have already posted a thread here about the same thing before under a different name. Ask yourself why you keep stalling on making a decision about this.


because it is a difficult decision... that will make my life go upside down if I choose the wrong one.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

HawaiiBreeze said:


> Why can't all those things be reasons.


They can be. But when they come out over time, it shows that you lack an understanding of what you want.

I am not going to address all the rest that you posted but will pick out a couple: 



> This place doesnt have the career options I want.
> 
> * * *
> 
> ps. a lot of professionals in my field have to choose career vs. stability for S/O. Many focus on career only and travel live in different places. Same goes for english teachers for example (i.e. want to go live in other countries) if their spouse isnt a teacher and has a normal job back home...its a dillema for many of us!


So this is not really about travel for 6-12 months, is it. It is really about you wanting to travel full time for your career. Because if there are no options where you live, traveling for a year won't fix that. Not being honest about that is likely part of the issue.





> I do love him and there are good sides to him but I feel I am wasting my life here (career wise) and I do have some resentment cause I didnt get to have the all high flying international career (albeit my decision to move in with him in his city and agree to marry him).


Your problem is blaming him for a choice you made. You chose to move there and marry him. There is a cost for that.



> Sometimes i feel I should go for what I want and if he loves me he will be supportive.


Is he wrong to flip it around and say that if you loved him, you want to actually not move away for a year?

Finally, you ignore my biggest point - he deserves better. By your own words, you are settling with him. You think you deserve better and are resentful for it. Why do that to either of you? Have you told him that? What do you think his response would be?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm not sure your career will kick off to be honest, in the last two months I have interviewed two individuals with a similar career background. This was for an entry level postition in healthcare. 
They both hit dead ends.
Make sure you know what your future job prospects are really like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

marduk said:


> You can also mature a bit and realize you made a commitment.


Jack adds his comment.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

HawaiiBreeze said:


> because it is a difficult decision... that will make my life go upside down if I choose the wrong one.


This is where you are thinking about things wrong. There is no "wrong" decision here, the important thing is that you choose a path and accept the consequences. The "wrong" decision is to choose one thing while keeping your mind on the other. Commitment is the right choice.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Personally, I think the OP should send her husband here so we can set him straight. 

I see this blowing up 10 years and 2 kids later and she wakes up one day and decides that life is sh!t and has an affair or walks out. Collecting child support on the 2 kids and alimony, all the while blaming her soon to be ex-husband for holding her down and being a controlling pr!ck and telling him that she SETTLED and never loved him. Then que OM.

Here's the thing. She has pretty well said most of it in her posts. This one didn't take much projection at all.

I just don't want all that to happen to the husband.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You keep talking about chasing your dreams, but you didn't do a thing when you had the chance to really go after them and make them come true. You're using your marriage as an excuse for not pursuing these dreams of yours. Humans can rationalize anything to make themselves feel better about themselves.

Now, it turns out your marriage isn't as easy as you thought it would be, and your life isn't what you thought it would be. So instead of doing something to improve either your marriage or your job prospects, you fall back into your "dreams" as a fantasy escape. And conveniently place the blame on your husband for "holding you back."

No one is holding you back. You've chosen this path for yourself.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

HawaiiBreeze said:


> OK but I dont want to save the world. I just want to get a little adventure along the way while I get work experience doing it in my career of passion and choice. I have to make my living and I have to be career oriented and advance my career. My husband is holding me back to be honest, but I am too chicken **** to do anything about it cause I fear loosing him and making it worst. I dont know for sure what will happen if I make my dreams come true and i am just a coward. I am settling in life, with him, in this place where there is little room to flourish in my career.


How is your husband holding you back from finding a job? That is YOUR responsibility. He has NOTHING to do with it.

You decided you wanted to be married and commit, and now you want to be lose and blaming your husband for "holding you back"?

I'm sorry but that is completely ridicules.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

norajane said:


> You keep talking about chasing your dreams, but you didn't do a thing when you had the chance to really go after them and make them come true. You're using your marriage as an excuse for not pursuing these dreams of yours. Humans can rationalize anything to make themselves feel better about themselves.
> 
> Now, it turns out your marriage isn't as easy as you thought it would be, and your life isn't what you thought it would be. So instead of doing something to improve either your marriage or your job prospects, you fall back into your "dreams" as a fantasy escape. And conveniently place the blame on your husband for "holding you back."
> 
> No one is holding you back. You've chosen this path for yourself.


Great point, not just this, most posts in this thread.

OP doesn't seem like marriage material AT ALL.



HawaiiBreeze said:


> Why can't all those things be reasons. A lot of people get married before they realise they have gotten themselves into too deep and made a rash decision. My husband and I are both in agreement we are two very different people in how we think and we react to fights etc. We are having compatibility problems. But that doesnt mean we don't love each other or we want to sacrifice our relationship. One needs a support companion in life. I am of the mentality that once married one shouldnt divorce easily. I do love him and there are good sides to him but I feel I am wasting my life here (career wise) and I do have some resentment. Anyway life isnt all clear black and white. I sometimes feel I am foolish to chase a dream like many of you have said. Sometimes i feel I should go for what I want and if he loves me he will be supportive. I mean 1 year or 6 months long distance isnt the worst thing.


Just about EVERY post REEKS of you justifying ending your marriage for your "dreams". The dreams that you didn't chase or wanted when you weren't married.

Clearly you are going to do whatever you want. 

Marriage has no place for selfish inconsiderate people. You are unwilling to compromise, and that's what marriage is really about. You should get divorced. Your husband deserves someone WAY better than you.

Please, PLEASE send this thread to your husband. He deserves to know.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Well, I have a different perspective.

Do it. If the marriage fails, it was going to anyway.

Chase your dreams. Personally, I think your husband is being selfish by not giving you the space, as there are no children involved. If your international career takes off, it will be up to him to figure out if he wants to follow you. 
First step, start interviewing. Who knows...you may not get the opp you think you will, but you will have the satisfaction of having tried. No regrets.
Second step, if you get an opp, discuss it with the husband.
Third, make the decision looking at all of the factors.

I am assuming you are quite young and probably should not have gotten married. Do not compound the problem. Also, never accept advice on working/living abroad from someone who has never done it or has no interest in it (preferring to stay on their couch). Finally, take a English language grammar course because how you communicate is vitally important when you are abroad. To be blunt, you need to up your game in this area.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Youth is wasted on the young....

I've done many, many things in my life. I've chased dreams and caught them and caught people yet chased them away. 

I don't want to get to the end of my life and say, wow, I shoulda done that when I had the chance... There's no worse regret than that.

You're already regretting not chasing that dream of yours AND getting married. To me, that's a double whammy. There's still time to fix it.

Time to let him go. Whether or not you chase down your career, you already know he's not the right one for you. I suppose he won't even be shocked at the idea of divorce. It's ok to admit you both have different life goals and to separate amicably.

Take a deep breath and DO something. For you. For him. For Life.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

OP, I have no real sympathy for you because I don't think you have a difficult choice at all. You need to leave your relationship because you do not love your husband. People in love with their spouses don't think about living apart for a year unless it was an emergency situation completely out of their control or had to be done. And when they do think about being separated for that long, they know it will hurt. You were not ready to get married, and since you say you fight everyday, that is probably to do with not being mature enough to have a long term relationship. I mean no offense as we all take time to mature. I failed my first marriage because I was too immature for marriage.

The other reason I think you should leave is you will, as others have mentioned, wake up one day and really regret that you didn't go abroad. I have traveled all over the world working and I loved my job. I did it after my first divorce before getting married again. Now that I am settled with my husband, I look back on that time and know that I really had great experiences because I took control and went after what I wanted. If you don't do it, you will hate your husband one day if you aren't starting to already!


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## Julzwife (Feb 23, 2013)

I am just wondering what line of career you are in that will only take off after you have lived in a 3rd world country.


I think your choice boils down to 2 things; your hubby or your career. It's time to decide which one is more important than the other one and be willing to live with the consequences of your decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I agree it's important to chase your dreams. Not doing so is a recipe for a lifetime of regret and resentment.

But does it really have to be all or nothing?

Why, for example, must we assume that because you live in one place now that you are destined to stay there forever? Why assume that because the husband has a job now, that is where he will and must work for the rest of his life? 

There are zillions of options and tons of successful relationships where one person travels extensively or couples live apart for periods of time. These things can be worked out.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

barbados said:


> If you do go and your H actually is there when (or if) you come back, he's a total fool.


Because any time someone goes away from a relationship for a period of time, the person who waits is a fool? :scratchhead:

Is that what you tell all the wives (and husbands) of people deployed in the military too?

After all, quite a few of them won't ever come back.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think this is your typical case of "wanting things you can't have".

We all deal with it. 

Go nuts op, just remember, YOU will be the one that will live with the consequences. 

I wish your husband good luck, you.......you will probably need it WAY more than him (in time). I guess good luck to you too.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

always_alone said:


> I agree it's important to chase your dreams. Not doing so is a recipe for a lifetime of regret and resentment.


Problem is you don't marry someone, then do a bait and switch and then decide to run off chasing those dreams.

And your comparison to Barbados about advising military spouses the same thing is apples and oranges. I'd venture to guess the majority of military spouses married them when they were already in the military and knew they would be deployed.

OPs husband married her not thinking she would get some wild hair up her butt and want to leave him for a year. 




> Why, for example, must we assume that because you live in one place now that you are destined to stay there forever? Why assume that because the husband has a job now, that is where he will and must work for the rest of his life?


There is no such assumption. Again, you marry someone, you don't change the game on them later and expect it to be Burger King and get it your way. 




> There are zillions of options and tons of successful relationships where one person travels extensively or couples live apart for periods of time. These things can be worked out.


Sure, things can be worked out to completely accommodate her if it is to be worked out. Either he just has to put up with it, or he has to quit his job and follow her.

There is a 3rd option......if her desire to leave him to go work overseas is so important, why don't they just get an annulment?

And then when she comes back if she thinks she won't get the urge to do it again, they meet up and decide to give it another go, then deal with it then.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Ok here is a question. You gonna go work abroad and give up sex for a year?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

vellocet said:


> Ok here is a question. You gonna go work abroad and give up sex for a year?


And more importantly, expect HIM to give up sex for a year. Good point. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Problem is you don't marry someone, then do a bait and switch and then decide to run off chasing those dreams.


She has a Master's degree in a field that makes it possible to travel extensively, and has clearly dreamed of this for a while. Do you really think he was completely oblivious to her dreams?

Or more likely that he just chose to ignore them or not take them seriously?

I don't see it as any more reasonable to suggest that his desires should completely trump hers, and there are plenty of ways they could compromise to give them both a shot at happiness


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Lots of jobs require extensive travel:.Long distance trucker, oil-rigger, foreign correspondent, diplomat, traveling salesman, archeologist, anthropologist, geologist, international development worker, musician, and the list goes on and on.

Do we really want to say that anyone who holds such a job is unfit for marriage?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I think some are being a little hard on the OP. Sure, marriage is a compromise, absolutely. But where is HIS compromise? Like another pointed out, if she was already pursuing a degree that indicated these possibilities when they met, he knew about it. Why should she give up completely because he doesn't want her to leave? 

I don't think she's "awful" for getting married. Obviously she loved him or she wouldn't have done that. Maybe she doesn't love him now, or maybe she does......but why does loving him and wanting something for herself have to be mutally exclusive?

I know several married couples who have long distance relationships. Works for them. I was also a military spouce and separations are completely doable. And who says she can't come home for some R&R every couple of months? 

OP, if you are still around, I think the bottom line is sitting your H down and pouring your heart out. Ask him to help you brianstorm on how you can make this happen for you and still keep him happy. Include him in the planning process, let him give his input. If he still refuses to budge, then maybe you two aren't compatible. But if he loves YOU, then he should be willing (even if reluctantly) to at least look at the situation and try to figure it out.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Lots of jobs require extensive travel:.Long distance trucker, oil-rigger, foreign correspondent, diplomat, traveling salesman, archeologist, anthropologist, geologist, international development worker, musician, and the list goes on and on.
> 
> Do we really want to say that anyone who holds such a job is unfit for marriage?


Honestly, yes for the most part. Sure some of those people are married. But most of them are divorced, or just staying married for the kids.

I used to be a traveling IT consultant. I loved it when I was younger but around the age of 27 I realized that if I wanted to ever have a wife and a home, I couldn't spend 5 days a week traveling for 45 weeks every year. I was gone more often than I was "home".

The straw that broke the camels back was when I realized in 2008 that I spent more time in Evansville Indiana (where a client was) than in Columbus Ohio (where I "lived"). 

A few people can make constant travel and a marriage work. But most can't. It takes a special kind of spouse, a unique one. Most people get married because they want to spend time with someone constantly, and if they work a job where they are gone all the time they can't do that.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

As for the OP, my guess would be she got married a bit early without thinking things totally through. She's not alone in that, many many people do it.

However, from what she says about her husband, unless she wants to destroy her marriage traveling for a living is out of the question.

So she either needs to do one of two things.

1. Get over the fact she isn't going to be traveling around the world for work.

2. Divorce and pursue traveling around the world for a living.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

always_alone said:


> She has a Master's degree in a field that makes it possible to travel extensively, and has clearly dreamed of this for a while. Do you really think he was completely oblivious to her dreams?


Doesn't matter. If they were married under a particular understanding, she doesn't get to change it up and expect him to be ok with it. If those are her dreams, then sorry to say she has no business being married unless she enters marriage with someone that has no problem with her leaving him for a year here and there.

If he wasn't oblivious to her dreams and made his feelings known, then she shouldn't have married him.



> *Or more likely *that he just chose to ignore them or not take them seriously?


Yes, its quite possible since he is a man




> I don't see it as any more reasonable to suggest that his desires should completely trump hers, and there are plenty of ways they could compromise to give them both a shot at happiness


Then she should have talked to him about it before marrying him. 

If he doesn't want to be away from his wife for a year, then what is the compromise? He gets to go to Vegas and whoop it up with the boys?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> I think some are being a little hard on the OP. Sure, marriage is a compromise, absolutely. But where is HIS compromise? Like another pointed out, if she was already pursuing a degree that indicated these possibilities when they met, he knew about it. Why should she give up completely because he doesn't want her to leave?


There is no compromise. If people think that its ok for her to leave her husband for a year, then there is no compromise other than he just has to deal with it and becomes unhappy, or she doesn't go now she is unhappy.

The only way there is a compromise is if he is ok with not having a wife for a year. But that doesn't look like the case.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Lots of jobs require extensive travel:.Long distance trucker, oil-rigger, foreign correspondent, diplomat, traveling salesman, archeologist, anthropologist, geologist, international development worker, musician, and the list goes on and on.
> 
> Do we really want to say that anyone who holds such a job is unfit for marriage?


No, but they need to find someone that doesn't give a crap if their spouse is never around.

And while that has been stated, why do you think people don't care if their spouse isn't around for a year at a time?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

OP,

I fully understand your dream. I actually lived it. I lived, worked and travelled for over 7 years overseas in business and absolutely loved every second of it (not the UN). All the hard work, troubles and frustrations. Everything about it was absolute joy.

I would never trade my experiences for anything. Except for the one I love and married. I would drop everything for my love and marriage. Such are my priorities. I would never look back nor would I have ever packed a suitcase if it meant to never have met or be with the one I love. Ever.

I'm willing to bet you can work something out with H. Get creative. They might be able to use his help and expertise. And multiple-national companies might have a space for him were you might be. It will take effort, but possible. That depends on a lot, but doable. If he does not want to go, your place is with him.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Perhaps you married too early indeed and was not taking everything into consideration due to lack of maturity. Well many of us often lacked maturity in many decisions including big ones, as we are not perfect and are at constant growth. But you need to realize that now your decisions is not yours alone anymore, you probably do understand that marriage means two lives linked together so decisions affects boths.

Well, I also imagine sometimes what if I've only met my husband a few years later and traveled to other countries, since my career actually allows me many opportunities to different countries (and they pay much more outside!). Wouldn't it be nice to meet different people, have my own apartment and decorate it the way I dreamed of? Having total freedom and spending the money the way I want, and so on...

But thing is, I have met my husband in the real life. And while we can imagine the what ifs that might sound so appealing, we can't have it all anyways - what if I didn't meet my husband if I chose the alternate way? What if he ended up with someone else? Or what if things weren't really that dreamy anyways?

I can't have it all. But what matters is what I really want, and I want this life I'm having with my husband. He is not my burden, he is my choice.

And what does it matter, at least to me, if I have all those dreams true but don't have him to share?


What matters right now is, are you happy with your current path? With him? It is not sacrificing your other dream if you are actually living a dream too, and are happy.

If it really really bothers you then perhaps you can find ways in which both can compromise in some way that both finds satisfying. But I would say that if it is just a small "what if" that lingers in your mind from time to time, then often the grass is not really that greener at the other side.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Perhaps if these "experiences" of working abroad only lasted for, say, 1 month at a time it might be easier for your husband to deal with. But a year? Why would you expect him to be ok with that?

And lets face it, we all here from people in this forum about "needs". What are you going to do about your "needs" if you leave for Africa for a year?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

vellocet said:


> There is no compromise. If people think that its ok for her to leave her husband for a year, then there is no compromise other than he just has to deal with it and becomes unhappy, or she doesn't go now she is unhappy.
> 
> The only way there is a compromise is if he is ok with not having a wife for a year. But that doesn't look like the case.



There is ALWAYS a compromise. Likely they didn't discuss this in enough detail before they got married. Shoulda, coulda, woulda......it's moot point now. Because they didn't (if they didn't) and now they are here. (And if they did, then yes, the fault is on her for agreeing to something and then changing her mind.)

BUT again, there is always a compromise. He doesn't want to leave his job, which is a VERY good point for him. He doesn't want her to leave for a whole year, again......very good point. But what if she finds a position that allows her to travel for 6 months at a time? Or even a month away here and there? 

Sure, some things aren't for everyone......like physical separation in a marriage. But it's doable. Being faithful during separations is doable. Having needs met during separation is doable. Again, I have experience as a military wife, so I know all too well about separations. Having lived 12 years with an active duty spouse, he was gone A LOT.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> There is ALWAYS a compromise.


Ok, if she truly is going to be gone for an entire year, what would that compromise be?




> BUT again, there is always a compromise. He doesn't want to leave his job, which is a VERY good point for him. He doesn't want her to leave for a whole year, again......very good point. But what if she finds a position that allows her to travel for 6 months at a time?


Still too long I'd guess



> Or even a month away here and there?


That might be better, but it depends on how long he wants his wife away.

Perhaps OP can clarify, will she be gone an entire year? Or would she be able to come home for a week once a month or something like that?

If not, and she will be gone the entire year, then there is no compromise.



> Sure, some things aren't for everyone......like physical separation in a marriage. But it's doable. Being faithful during separations is doable.


Perhaps doable, but why do it if you don't have to if it means you won't be happy?

I'm assuming her husband would be a lot like me. If I marry someone its because I want to be with them. Not be with them in spirit and they are never there.



> Having needs met during separation is doable. Again, I have experience as a military wife, so I know all too well about separations. Having lived 12 years with an active duty spouse, he was gone A LOT.


So how did you get your "needs" met while your husband was gone? And by "needs", you know I'm talking about physical contact/sex.

And remember, she said this:


> And he is dead against me leaving for a year. He thinks it will be detrimental to our marriage and perhaps its right


How does she think leaving for an entire year is detrimental? She obviously thinks its not a good idea, and it would also seem that she probably isn't too torn up about the idea of not being with him for that long.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

always_alone said:


> Lots of jobs require extensive travel:.Long distance trucker, oil-rigger, foreign correspondent, diplomat, traveling salesman, archeologist, anthropologist, geologist, international development worker, musician, and the list goes on and on.
> 
> Do we really want to say that anyone who holds such a job is unfit for marriage?


For some people it would be and I'm one of them. I wouldn't get married and spend my life alone so yes those jobs, for me and some others, would be a deal breaker for marriage.

To the OP can this not be compromised? Yes leaving and living in those places married is unrealistic and you made your choice. Could you and you husband not travel there and just experience them on a vacation?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Doesn't matter. If they were married under a particular understanding, she doesn't get to change it up and expect him to be ok with it. If those are her dreams, then sorry to say she has no business being married unless she enters marriage with someone that has no problem with her leaving him for a year here and there.
> 
> If he wasn't oblivious to her dreams and made his feelings known, then she shouldn't have married him.


Life happens. You don't always get to predict exactly how everything is going to work out. And relationships are two individuals, both of whom have desires, ambitions and needs.

If OP truly kept her h in the dark about her dreams, well yes, surely that was a mistake. But I find it hard to believe. Most of us express what we hope and wish for from time to time.

And he if thought he had a right to clip her wings, well he shouldn't have been so stupid as to marry her.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

This is what the OP said in her first post:



> *And to be honest Im really not that sad I didnt get to have a high flying international career,* *its just that I wanted adventure travelling and meeting new people and experience a culture and getting work experience* doing grass roots work before I got settled in one location. I kick myself for not doing it sooner and slacking off!


It's not really her career; it's her desire to adventure travel that is at issue.

If she really wanted to do the grass roots volunteer work she's talking about, she doesn't have to go to Africa for 6 months to a year. She can hook up with grass roots volunteer work in Haiti, and she can come home whenever she wants. At her expense, of course. One of my co-workers has a wife that does this through their church, and he joins her during his vacations, but she comes home relatively frequently. There's no lack of volunteer opportunities to help people in need close to home!

Where there's a will, there's a way. However, she didn't choose to do any of this when she had the chance to before marriage - _and she didn't try it even during this past year when she wasn't working, not even for a week or two _- so I don't know how much will she actually has for the work. It sounds like she mostly wants the adventure. If so, she can get a job (any job, doesn't have to be in her field) that pays some money and take adventurous vacations where she can meet people and get to know the culture. Teaching, for example, allows one lots of time off in the summers.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

norajane said:


> This is what the OP said in her first post:
> 
> It's not really her career; it's her desire to adventure travel that is at issue.


BINGO!! If she wants to do that, she can do that with her husband. So why doesn't she instead of taking a job to be away from her husband for a year. Not wanting her husband around when meeting these new people and having these new experiences?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Life happens. You don't always get to predict exactly how everything is going to work out. And relationships are two individuals, both of whom have desires, ambitions and needs.


Well as norajane just pointed out, and I completely missed, is OP saying this:

"And to be honest Im really not that sad I didnt get to have a high flying international career, its just that *I wanted adventure travelling and meeting new people and experience a culture* and getting work experience", with work "experience" being a good secondary motive.




> If OP truly kept her h in the dark about her dreams, well yes, surely that was a mistake. But I find it hard to believe.


Of course you do. You'd rather believe that this man completely discards her wants and desires. 



> And he if thought he had a right to clip her wings, well he shouldn't have been so stupid as to marry her.


If she had wings to clip, it means she wanted to be able to go wherever she wants, whenever, and as long as she wants. That's not a marriage.

If she has wings and wants to use them, then use them and get married later.

So its simple, there is your compromise. They take vacations to the places she wants to go so she can meet all these new people.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Of course you do. You'd rather believe that this man completely discards her wants and desires.


On the contrary, I'm simply challenging your assumption that he is all things good and reasonable and she is all things selfish and cruel simply because she has dreams that might not be exactly compatible with his.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

always_alone said:


> On the contrary, I'm simply challenging your assumption that he is all things good and reasonable and she is all things selfish and cruel simply because she has dreams that might not be exactly compatible with his.


:iagree:

Indeed. And yes, those are the kinds of compromises I was talking about. OP shouldn't be viewed as selfish or an improper spouse because she wants to do things in her life. Just because someone doesn't understand our dreams doens't mean we should just ignore them. And having dreams and being married doens't have to be mutually exclusive.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

always_alone said:


> On the contrary, I'm simply challenging your assumption that he is all things good and reasonable and she is all things selfish and cruel simply because she has dreams that might not be exactly compatible with his.


I never said anything of the sort. There you go accusing people of saying things they never said or even implied.

So please, show me where I assumed any such thing.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

That's what I thought


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Looks like OP has left the building. Perhaps she has run off to Africa after all...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you don't go on any vacations? That is what MARRIED PEOPLE DO when they want to travel


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> you don't go on any vacations? That is what MARRIED PEOPLE DO when they want to travel


wouldn't be able to do everything she wanted to do if hubby was there would be my guess.


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