# sexual miscommunication



## Mary1974 (Sep 2, 2010)

I've been married for 10 years and have two kids. I love my husband very much and we share alot of similar interests and get along very well. But, to be honest, our sex life sucks! Ok, I've never really talked about this FULLY (yes, I've had lighthearted talks with my girlfriends) with anyone and I'm just going to spill the beans because I just need some honest opinions. I would especially appreciate a man's point of view. 

Basically I feel like, although we know each other very well in other areas, we do not know each other sexually. The last five years has seen our sexual activity go way down. We're having sex every two months and it feels like a chore. We're both tired and stressed out. That's the basics.

Here is what I'm ashamed to say and would never, ever, say to my husband or anyone I actually know because I adore my husband and would never want to hurt him. I don't consider my husband a good lover and I want to cry as I write this because I love everything else about him and I feel like I'm betraying him even by saying this here. I had sex with about 20 guys from the time I was 15 until I was 27 and they all seemed to understand my body better than he does after 10 years of marriage. I've gradually lost interest in being with him sexually. He seems to think I have problems because I was abused when I was a child but I feel like I've gotten over it and actually like sex, I just feel frustrated with him.

I've tried to tell him how I would like to be touched but it seems like he forgets. He grabs me too hard, bites my nipples too hard and when he touches me downstairs he's far too rough (with fingers and tongue) and I lose sensability. I feel like I'm somehow hurting his self-esteem when I try to tell him something about my body. He also thinks I have a hangup because I can't have an orgasm other than through manual stimulation but I know tons of women like this. I love the feel of him inside me but I can't come unless I stimulate myself and now I feel guilty doing it because I feel deficient or something. 

I know he's trying in the way he thinks best but the other day he just ended up hurting my feelings. He asked if I fantasized about being with a woman and when I said yes, he asked me if I ever fantasized about my friends, um, not. He told me he wanted to "rent" a couple of women so we could watch. He was very serious. He's never mentioned these things to me before and it kind of shocked me but I tried to be opened minded as he's never really talked to me about things like this before. I can get into watching pornos (not ritualistically) but I draw the line there. I prefer monogamy with a bit of spice. I wouldn't mind trying some toys. It's strange because I've asked him countless times what his fantasies are but he's not forthcoming, he evades. I'm sure one of them is being with two women, which is pretty normal for a guy and I'm happy to indulge with movies. 

So what do I do? How do I communicate my likes and dislikes and really get him to listen? How do I get him to communicate his likes and dislikes, without him suggesting prostitutes? I want to be into him and what he's doing to me and what I'm doing to him.

Please advice!


----------



## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

You have to come clean with him. Do it in a non-threatening way. You simply cannot keep this from him. Most men are receptive to instruction and like most men, they need the instruction multiple times before it sets in. It's taken some time, but my husband has learned the right way to touch me down there. It was easily a year after we married before he could get me to O from sex alone with him in control. In the beginning I had to ride the pony, if you know what I mean, which put me in control and it would happen. 

You have to talk to him though or it'll never get better.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You have to tell him, and then tell him again, and then tell him again, and keep doing so until he gets it. Either sit down with him at some time when you are not about to have sex and didn't just have sex, and tell him. Or...I find that sometimes well placed sounds and movements can be even more effective. 

Pulling away from a touch that doesn't do anything, while pressing into one that does. A moan or a whimper when he does something really well, asking him not to stop, things like that. If he's not receptive to actually talking about it, this might work. It'll take time, just like talking, but he might eventually get it.


----------



## Mary1974 (Sep 2, 2010)

Thanks so much. It really felt good to get that out. These boards are great and I really appreciate the advice. I know a talk is long over-due. My husband has Catholic, conservative parents so his comfort zone is a bit different from mine. My mom was a hippy and talked about her sex life with me, which was another kind of irritating, lol. Anyways, I really do want to work on this and consider it important to our relationship and I think we're both suffering from this lack of communication. I think it's importance just got shoved aside with kids and work related stress, of which we're both guilty parties.


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I think a better strategy than TELLING him what YOU want is to open a conversation about how to have sex be better for BOTH of you. I sense that in your post, this is what you're looking for anyway - you love your husband and want to keep him around. 

For a lot of people, when someone says, "I'd like a little more this, or a little less that," what they hear is, "you're doing it wrong." For a man who is already insecure, that's likely to be so loud that he won't be able to hear your message over his own insecurities.

So I'd suggest possibly getting some books or instructional videos and making the suggestion to your husband that you try a few new things together, to see if you like them. Maybe you can address the stress and strain at the same time by carving out some time to put everything else aside and just be together. Try some things that are not directly sexual, like just holding hands for a while and talking about what's great in the marriage, what you love about each other, and that kind of thing. 

The key is to give your man a clear way to win, and to engage him in the conversation without letting his insecurity filter dominate the space.

Last thing: I bet you've had more sexual partners than he has, right? So that means you are dealing with a sexually inexperienced man, and possibly one who is threatened by your greater experience. That is tough on guys... tread carefully, and always with an invitation.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

YOu know, I love reading your post and taking to heart what you write as a guy.

The women I have been with have said that I have been good in bed, but I am lacking in other departments and whereas your husband could work on being a better lover, I need to work on my other departments because it's actually heartening to see how much you love your husband, so much so you worry about hurting him.

The moral of the story for guys (and gals): sex isn't everything, is it?

Personally, I think if you husband tries a little harder (but just relaxes too. . .a bit of an oxymoron, I know), this can definitely be fixed.

Me. . .I am not so easily fixable. I need handyman lessons, how to be mature, and other things beside making women nearly explode in orgasmic delight and end up in a quivering heap of wetness.

(yes, this post is a bit tongue in cheek  )

Good luck. . .seriously though, if your husband could truly, TRULY understand that about himself, it wouldn't be so bad. . . .but tred very carefully. . .no man wants to hear,

"Honey, you are great in every other aspect of my life. . .except sex."

Even though that is a bonafide compliment, it just isn't a great consolation prize as his ego is certainly derived from that. IT would be better in a few months/years to look back and just laugh and say, "Yeah, I was fumbling around a bit back then."

(as we all do)


----------



## Mary1974 (Sep 2, 2010)

Thanks so much. You know I think just writing this message helped alot. I wrote it openly and honestly and it helped me get some of my frustrations out and hearing your opinions and thinking on the feedback has also helped me to recognize where I'm going wrong and what I can be doing better. I think with kids and life, and did I mention kids, lol, I haven't been giving this the attention it needs and deserves. I think I just got bogged down in my frustration and kept putting it on the backburner. Our girls are getting older and more independent and we just went on a ten-year anniversary trip (first trip alone in 10 years!) so I think I've been thinking on it alot more. 

I tell you I had a moment of reckoning when I was talking to some other mothers from my children's school. We were talking about one of those favorite topics parents love to talk about, setting limits. And I while I believe that limits and discipline are very important I also said, "I don't think there is any limit on physical affection. No matter where you are and what you're doing you should always have time to show your love through a hug or a kiss for your child. They should never doubt you love them and this is the best way to reinforce that." It hit me that I wasn't giving the same to my husband because in husband and wife talk isn't this the ultimate show of physical affection? So then I wanted to know why I wasn't and what were our individual parts in this. I love and respect my husband very much and I definately don't want to lose him and I don't want him to lose me.

On another note my husband has had many partners more than me but I think he's inexperienced in the way that he's never fully opened up about sex or really investigated it. I think there is a big difference between doing and learning, if you know what I mean. I think there are people with few partners who have very few inhibitions with those partners and they end up becoming very good lovers because they're not shy to ask and to learn. I think my husband really likes to do but is shy to ask, which probably comes from the way he was brought up. He was shocked to know that I had talked to our eldest daughter about sex (she's almost ten). 

So I really appreciate the advice that has been given. I need to break down the wall without damaging the structure. All four of you have been unanimous. It has to be done but it's all in the doing, isn't it? I'll be giving you suggestions a try .


----------

