# Need help ASAP wife in affairw ant to leave but cannot



## gnusmas (Jul 11, 2010)

So this may be a long one. Here is the brief; I confronted my wife 3 times about a possible affair. She came pretty close to saying that one is going on. She has taken off her wedding ring, says she no longer loves me, and told me to get the f%^^** out the house. This was 2 days ago.

Here’s the background. We have been married for 8 years. We have known each other for about 2 years before. Both of us are professionals. We have 2 children, one 3.5, the other is 1. I guess the precipice of this entire event started about 2 years ago. I used to work for the Federal Government. I lost my job due to the politics of the time. I was able to get work consulting, but that dried up later during that year. At the same time, my wife had a miscarriage. It was a very traumatic event for both of us, and especially for her. She got into a rage verbally assaulted me, then called the police. I have never touched my wife in any way associated with violence. In her background, which is dark there has been this. Her mother was physically abused by 3 husbands. My wife was also physically and sexually abused by them. This has affected their side of the family severely. Recently I discovered that my brother-in-law has become homeless- but that is another story… 

As my contract work wound down, I began to teach high school. I am also a certified Spanish teacher. If any of you are teachers out there, then you know that permanent jobs are very scarce today. I was lucky to have a good lot of savings and I used this augment our income until some real work came. After the birth of our daughter, my wife wanted her mother to live with us. I told her no, hell no. Everyone said that by doing that it would ruin your marriage. It did exactly that. Our house is not that big. We gave the second largest room to her. Beds broke, furniture broke, all mysteriously, including all the major household appliances that were replaced a year ago. Tires were slashed on my car. Door locks no longer worked properly. Food disappeared. What I am getting at is that there was a deliberate campaign of sabotage in order to spark some sort of violent reaction from me which never came. Things eventually got so bad, that I would up literally living in the garage. I ate and slept there, while pretending with my oldest child that nothing was wrong. My wife and her mother ate out all time. My wife would disappear from the house for up to 5-8 hours at a time, and would never say where she went. Once when I confronted her, she said “aren’t you going to hit me now?!” I walked away. 

From living in the garage, I eventually caught pneumonia in December, which nearly killed me. I spent 3 weeks in the hospital recovering. When it was time to go home, my wife said she would not pick me up. I eventually traveled back to Chicago, to my parents’ house to finish my recovery. When Christmas and New Year’s came, my wife told me to stay away. I literally had to force my way into my house for my son’s birthday, and my wife threatened to call the police if I came for my daughter’s first birthday. 

While in Chicago, I also taught, and I eventually found a job with the Army that would give me the type of salary and security that I had before. The problem is that we have to move to another state for this. My wife works from home, her boss does not care where she lives as long as she can connect to the internet. She was willing to move to Korea with me, but is unwilling to move somewhere else in America. She is receptive about this job, but when I came home for Father’s Day, it was the same f^&&* you, get out. She did this in front of the children. This was the first time that she was not wearing her wedding ring, the first time she said she does not love me, and the first time I confronted here on the adultery issue. My wife has a thing she does with her eyes when she lies. The type of job I do for the feds requires me to scan people for lying. I scanned her 3 times, and she failed all three times. The worst of it is that for almost 2 years we have not had sex; and for a year not slept in the same bed, but after all of this drama, she decides to sleep in the same bed with me, rub against, me, but when I try to touch her, she scolds me. I believe her plan is to try to get some sort of police report on violence or rape so that she can get some sort of legitimate cause of divorce and to make her look like a victim. Again, I am not that type of person. My jobs depend on that I am not, but this is what I am seeing. 

I feel so betrayed. A lot of people have hurt through the recession, I made sure that we were not in the street, but maybe teaching was not that glamorous for her. I believe that she is jealous for what I am about to do for the Army, and is also to hold back on documents needed in order to enroll her and that children in benefits programs. Everyone tells me to get the hell away from her, that I deserve better, but as I have seen on this site, I can say as everyone else, I still love her too much, and I cannot go through being single again, and looking for another partner again. I have suggested counseling to her, but getting her to one is like asking Bin Laden his address. 
If anybody has any thoughts, or help, please let me know.

Thank you very much!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Everyone tells me to get the hell away from her, that I deserve better, but as I have seen on this site, I can say as everyone else, I still love her too much, and I cannot go through being single again, and looking for another partner again.


First question: what exactly do you find attractive about this person? 

Second: What brought you together in the first place?

It seems to me that while I never argue for divorce, I would suggest staying away until you can begin to do some serious work. You leave a lot out, and hint at much more. While you do go into a lot of detail, something doesn't seem right with what you write - there is too much between the lines. 

So, take it slow and easy, and I would highly recommend documenting EVERYTHING that goes on - keep very detailed and strict records, and keep them somewhere safe - at work, with a friend, relative - etc.


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## gnusmas (Jul 11, 2010)

Thank you for your response. On the first part, she was the most sweet and courteous person I have ever known. We have done things together that others can only dream of. 

On the second part, we met at my work at USDA in DC. She was looking for funding. Both of us are from IL, and one thing led to another. It seemed so perfect. 

On your other point, if I went into more detail, I would be writing a 10 page letter, but in brief, my wife goes through relationships with men that last approx. 4-5 years. She gets them to pay for everything, and thus has amassed a small fortune over the past 20 years. When she tires, she cheats, or denies sex to the partner in order to make them cheat. She use this fact in order to end the relationship. With her mother present, and being married, she is trying to resort to something dark. I will be on this current contract for over a year. It will be terrible for my son to not to see me. My parents divorced when I was young, and it pained me for many years. I cannot let that become a generational illness. 

On documentation, I have all the e-mails, voice-mails, texts, and call records. Since at the moment I am not at home I do not have the financial documents, but I can get those from the bank. Now that I have a had a few months to think about it, basically giving my house to my mother-in-law and living in a garage like a dog- I was wrong. I a very peaceful, easygoing guy, and I have never been in a situation like this before. 

Thanks for your advice


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

More about documentation: I can understand why you would collect the email, text, etc. That is important for confrontation regarding an affair - keep all that. 

However, I am talking more about day to day life: journal your exchanges with her. Be specific. Write down conversations to the best of your ability. Document threats, verbal exchanges. promises, broken promises, actions, etc. Record times and dates. The reason, as you probably surmise, is self-protection. By keeping a careful journal, if any danger does arrive, you will have documentation to present to an attorney, in court, etc.

If you feel that you are in danger living with her, you are within your rights to leave. This is not divorce, it is separation, and it is often necessary in cases of abuse. In essence, your best course of action is to regroup, focus on the marriage, and yourself, and do a very careful inventory of where you were, are and will be. In other words, for a good while, you will most likely need to figure on a 'single' existence; especially if you wish to salvage your marriage. Right now, it appears, from what you write, to be on a fast downhill slide to a possible violent confrontation (police, false charges, etc.) - something you would best avoid. I would be entirely skeptical of all she says and does, and would expect the very worst. I would not even put it past her mother adding to the mix. 

This is (if what you write is true) a toxic relationship, a reversed abusive one - and, as with all abuse victims, you need to step out of the dance long enough to get your footing and to be able to start seeing clearly.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I'm the first relationship my wife has had in which there is no physical violence. Not even after catching her in the middle of her EA. Looking back at that day and the days that followed, she made some attempts at "Hit me, it's my fault." which I would ignore since it's not in me to hit anyone for any reason...although hitting the OM probably would have felt really really good. I ended up putting my fists through a couple of thick glass sliding doors in the OM's apartment.

I believe the abuse and her mother's support of the abuse (She said of my wife's ex husband 'If he's hitting you stop doing what ever it is that is making him angry') that led her to believe that all men do this.

Not sure if it's within your ability but something like an audio recorder or video recorder to catch whatever happens on tape may keep the police from arresting you.


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## gnusmas (Jul 11, 2010)

Sorry for not getting back sooner. Your words have wisdom. They are the same that everyone in my family tells me- to get out for a bit. I leave to my job in GA on Mon., and to be honest on this I am re-enlisting in the Army. MY wife is not coming, but I wish she would. She gave me plenty of insults, especially about my manhood. I have been doing PT for the past 4 weeks getting ready for this after being out and, my mind is clear, and I am also tired. I am tired of being treated this way. I am tired of my wife trying to dominate me, and belittle everything that I do. If it was not for me, she would now have her job- which is another story. Did I tell you that on my way to Chicago, I had a mysterious blowout on a new tire? When I was able to get help, the person at the shop told me that the tire was deliberately cut. I am not making this crap up, I wish I was. I am done here. I need to live again. If any of you have any words, please let me know. I just can't live like this anymore!


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## gnusmas (Jul 11, 2010)

My brother showed me how to setup a cellphone recorder. I also have bought some cheap digital recorders, but they have a life of about 21hrs. It pushes a man to the limit. I'm glad to hear that someone else has heard those words. What is going on in America?! Our wives cheating, men are the victims, and women want to be victimized! I don't understand!! I need an answer- somehow- someway-


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Gnumas~

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I'll be honest with you--I think that the affair is the least of your worries at this point. Just based on the little bit that you've written here, I would say that your wife is abusive--verbally, emotionally, mentally and most probably physically! And the really sad part is that whilst there is literally TONS of support and assistance if the man is the "abuser" and the woman is the "victim"--if a woman is the "abuse" and the man is the "victim" there is virtually none. 

I would refer you to a few pages to get a little info that can help you. First, there is a site that is FANTASTIC called Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse website that is all about abuse and the cycle abuse, etc. On that site, there is a very good page called A Post in Support of Battered Guys that I think would be really helpful to you. Another is the Public Information bank- Male Victims Of Domestic Violence page--which again has info on being a male victim of abuse. Finally here is a page with a LOT of resources and references for a man who has a wife that is the abuser: MenWeb-Domestic Violence. 

Please take a look at these pages and learn what you can, and my advice to you would be to stay away from her if you can, set up no contact, and once you are safe see if she's willing to even consider her part and her issues. If she is willing to go to individual counseling and anger management, and practice a healthy relationship with you, then if you want you can give her the time to heal and practice that with you (maybe a year or so). If she's not, I would say at minimum go for a legal separation and protect yourself.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Remember all your wife has to do is say you threatened her or were violent and the cops will remove you from the house. She doesn't have to prove it when the cops come to the door. They will give you a restraining order preventing you from seeing your wife and children. This will take a long time to undo and during that time you will not be able to see or talk to your children!!! Get out of the house NOW!!! And see a lawyer!!!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Remember all your wife has to do is say you threatened her or were violent and the cops will remove you from the house. She doesn't have to prove it when the cops come to the door. They will give you a restraining order preventing you from seeing your wife and children. This will take a long time to undo and during that time you will not be able to see or talk to your children!!! Get out of the house NOW!!! And see a lawyer!!!


This is by far more important than ending the affair. That can come later, after you are situated in a safe place where you cannot be harmed. THEN you can begin to work on your relationship. But until then, the priority is to begin building an airtight case for yourself - protection from possible harm, documentation of transactions and interchanges, and reason for custody of the kids. 

Until you are out of the abusive situation, there is no means by which you can combat infidelity: all your work will simply blow up in your face, resulting in more harm.

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Now playing: Earth Trybe - Celebration
via FoxyTunes


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Sorry if it sounds like I'm doubting you but.....I'm doubting you. If your wife wants a divorce, all she has to do is get a divorce. She doesn't need evidence of anything at all, and especially does not have to provoke you to violence and get herself beaten up and possibly even hurt very badly in order to get a divorce. She also did not need to *force* former suitors to cheat in order to end those relationships. And why break up her own possessions to make you hit her? Why would she expect you will beat her because she or her mother broke the bed or something else in the house? You introduce things and then don't explain them, so I wonder what else is going on that you haven't told us, like what does "things eventually got so bad" that you began living in the garage mean? There is just too much here that is unexplained and absolutely no reason for her to think she needs cause for ending her relationships or marriage or to get a divorce. All she has to do is end things. It is just too simple.

According to your story, she is trying to kill you. But you tell us about your tire being cut in your original post and how much you love your wife. Then you come back two days later telling us again about the tire with indignation and disgust and saying you are now fed up....and you wish she would go to GA with you. Seriously now.

I don't know what your story is, but you are not fooling me. I guess you had some time on your hands. Maybe you do this on the internet on a regular basis.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Susan - if what he is writing is true (I withhold judgment without all the facts) then she does not want to leave. She wants him to stay. If this is truly the abuse situation described (which is pretty 'text-book') then she would lose her target if he left. She will leave when she gets all she wants from him. 

Not enough facts to look one way or the other, but it is never too late to present advice in public that others can use in similar situations. I've found that many people lurk without adding comment - and learn from reading. It can be very helpful.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> Susan - if what he is writing is true (I withhold judgment without all the facts) then she does not want to leave. She wants him to stay. If this is truly the abuse situation described (which is pretty 'text-book') then she would lose her target if he left. She will leave when she gets all she wants from him.
> 
> Not enough facts to look one way or the other, but it is never too late to present advice in public that others can use in similar situations. I've found that many people lurk without adding comment - and learn from reading. It can be very helpful.


I'm not talking about her, anything she supposedly did, or what her motives might be. I am talking about him, the story he told, and the reasons he gives for what she does. None of this story makes any kind of sense. In the very least, it would not make sense to him. Anyone knows you don't need to provoke cause for divorce or to end a relationship. Therefore, why give us these reason? Because he knows none of this is true. He had to offer some kind of justification for the gullible-at-heart. And if someone is trying to kill you, you'd get the clue long before I did.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

It makes sense if he is somewhat dependent personality... the conflict he expresses comes from wanting her to be around but not wanting "her"... and also explains staying with someone who clearly wants to get him to aggress on her or simply involve the police not out of need but out of destruction of him. Tpete said that he is her target, yep. Im reading that she doesnt want him to leave, or want him to want to leave, but rather push him to the edge so that he abuses or leaves so she can fulfill that victim role she has come to expect and helps to create.

I think gnusmus... you should document, not aggress (which it sounds like you wont), and leave as quickly as you can, and take your children with you... if anyone knows about her personality they need to be recruited as witnesses for you ASAP. If she doesnt get help, she will destroy your career in someway bc she is seeing that you wont aggress on her to validate her deep seeded trauma. You do not want your children growing up with that... the 1 year old has hope if you get her away, the older one even though still young, will remember.

I dont always advocate for divorce, but this is a deeply disturbed woman froma a deeply disturbed mom/upbringing. You can work on your own self esteem issues once you leave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why on earth are you staying with this crazy family?

Document the abuse and the cheating, file for divorce, and get custody of your kids. Save them.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

One more reason to get out and take the kids is that you could be seen as endangering them if authorities figure out what they have been exposed to and you have facilitated it by staying there with the kids. You dont want anything flipped around onto you. You are so deeply routed in this that you are having trouble seeing it from an outside perspective...

If you stay she could flip this around on you with lie or truth, she in no way can end up raising those kids if she is as you say she is. Narcissistic injury knows no bounds... leave quietly and quickly. Do not forewarn her, she will lose it and use it... against you. Tell lawyers what you are doing that you are leaving with the kids for their safety and you are not "abandoning" you are removing self and kids from a volatile situation.

good luck.


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