# Newbie here, and a madhatter



## rainfan (Oct 26, 2012)

Where to begin? I have been married nearly 10 years, together 16 years, and have one young child. I initially started this intro with saying my husband had a physical affair that was discovered over 2 years ago. Really, it should start like this...I just got dumped by my emotional affair partner of over 3 years, if I am being truthful. But, I have just started being truthful to myself, and not to my husband yet. You see, in my mind, what I was doing was nowhere near as bad as what he did. That is a lie that I have been telling myself for a long time. My EA partner is an ex-boyfriend, there was and is actually love, in a screwed up way, I guess. WH's affair was more like a series of ONS with the same person when he was away on business. Not sure if there was any love. I have examined so many parts of these affairs. Kind of understand why so much of it happened, but I want to understand why I let it happen. My EA partner is a mess! He suffers from depression, and has stopped taking his meds, he was in a terribly abusive relationship for many years in which she repeatedly threatened her own life with a gun and I suspect threatened him as well. She just recently and suddenly passed away at what began as an allergic reaction to an unknown allergen, so he is dealing with that grief and guilt. And the kicker, he was a meth user 6 years ago and started using again. His life is so opposite from mine. I am a stay at home mom, generally happy, non drug using stable middle age person. My mom is an alcoholic and prescription drug addict-mean, hard to love, and unpredictable and has been my whole life. Classic, I know. The ex boyfriend from so many years ago has been my confidante throughout my husband's affair and its fallout. We haven't seen each other in person, he has tried, but lives far away and I didn't want to see him until recently because I didn't want it to cross over to the physical. Well, in the last few months, our relationship was advancing quickly and looking like a physical meeting was about to happen, and I was looking forward to it, but knew it would mean the end of my marriage and lifestyle as I know it. Then he tells me he unexpectedly met someone and wants to see where it goes. And the relief I felt was unimaginable! Although, I admit I am jealous, too. I know that if my H found out that this guy was a drug user that I very possibly could lose custody of my child! How could I have ever been so foggy? Still foggy? To think that I could save this guy from himself, yet risk everything?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Hello, and welcome to TAM. Please make use of the enter key, makes it much easier to read. 

I read, but can you clarify on what exactly you're asking here?


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## rainfan (Oct 26, 2012)

Sorry about the run on paragraph! I am a train of thought writer, I guess. 

My question is...Why would I risk everything for so little in return? 

Especially, when I saw first hand the destruction of my husband's affair.

I saw the selfishness of it. I saw the regret and the remorse. I saw our complete devastaion.

Why would I do this after seeing all that?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I suppose you both went to counseling? You could benefit from IC as you been traumatized and have (probably) narrowly averted a potentially disastrous decision to take up with a tweaker. 

You may find that the best solution to your issues is to divorce but you cannot remain in a marriage where neither you or your spouse can be trusted.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

rainfan said:


> Sorry about the run on paragraph! I am a train of thought writer, I guess.
> 
> My question is...Why would I risk everything for so little in return?
> 
> ...


Because most of the emotions and problems of your husbands affair have been rugswept. Hence you feeling justified in your EA. Therefore theres a lot of resentment there that makes you vulnerable to affairs, since in your head it'd only be fair since he had one.

Also when most people engage in affairs the thought of what they could lose rarely enters the picture. 

Reading Devistated Dad's thread is a perfect example of such single mindedness, and just what the after effects are. 

However, despite his PA to put it roughly, both of you f*cked up. 

You need to tell your husband about your affair. He'll be pissed, but then you'll both be able to go into marriage counseling with all the cards on the table. And from there, to build a stronger relationship because what you have now sounds precarious at best. 

You may be inclined to hide the EA, I wouldn't suggest it. He could find out, or someone in the know could blow the whistle on you. And while no one on your end may know of the EA, that may or may not be the same for your affair partner.

Finding out from snooping or a random stranger is 10x worse than being told the truth.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Whatever your husband did, you planted the seed; you gave to another man parts of your heart that belonged to your husband. Eventually, as your mind gets more clear, you will begin to see your hand in this.

It's time to put all your cards on the table and decide if you two are still interested in staying in the game.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

One more point. Your post is very telling, you don't seem in the least bit devastated that your husband had sex with another woman, your post was focused on yourself and the other man.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Whatever your husband did, you planted the seed; you gave to another man parts of your heart that belonged to your husband. Eventually, as your mind gets more clear, you will begin to see your hand in this.
> 
> It's time to put all your cards on the table and decide if you two are still interested in staying in the game.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

So you are here mostly because you BFF dumped you for another woman, a legitimate GF.

I think you need to think hard about owning your stuff.
You knew it was wrong your attachment to this OM when it started. Maybe you downplayed in your head but it waw wrong, you knew it.
You zero doubts is was wong when you discovered your husband transgressions. You had to deal with his betrayal therefore you weren't unfamiliar with EAs ,the slipery slope... yada yada

Did you cruely demand things from your husband to repair the damage he did? Yes.
Did you stop. Nope.
Did you use his lack of effort to repair the damage to keep the EA going and eventually heating? Sure
Did you confess at any time? Nope.
Will you confess now? Nope. Extreme, unique circunstances.

Clean your side of the street.
As every wayward:
Send him a NC letter.
Block him from any ways of comunication.
Stop searching him online, by third parties, stop searching new, legitimate GF info, go cold turkey.

Start thinking you are a wayward, no different than your husband, likely worse, more entitled. You started earlier, then aplied double standards, didn't stop at this while demanded changes from your husband. Used "anger" to justoify yourself (as the average wayward does).
I hope you start authentic personal recovery. I fear you are just pissed off due OM was not that into you as you believed. You had your ego wounded. You have ben rejected by another man you was playing along with.
Stop believing you deserve cake.

As long you don set the bar higher for yourself you can't set it for others because deep down you know you don't deserve it.

Finnaly, newflash: Nobody can fix anybody else, specially the bad boys you are attracted to.


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## rainfan (Oct 26, 2012)

I was so devastated when I discovered my husband's affair! The OW sent me a text saying he lied to her about being married for 4 years prior to DDay. H says OW was just trying to get back at him by telling me that. He says the A started just a few months before DDay with them seeing each other during two of his business trips, and that they were only aquaintances the 4 years leading up to their first sexual encounter.

I don't know who to believe about that. And that was the devastating part. I have thought about those lies every day for over 2 years. 

My H had many many opportunities for affairs through the years. Now, I have no idea if he ever cheated prior to this one. 

Allowing my EA to escalate like it did, and being upset at its demise, is what I am questioning myself about now.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

rainfan said:


> Allowing my EA to escalate like it did, and being upset at its demise, is what I am questioning myself about now.


This is what you should be focusing now. The rest is no more than shifting the blame. Now it's possible he started before? I see, that way you wouldn't be the first, therefore not that bad.
Even if that's truth you didn't know a darn thing about it before your DDay! 
Why do you bring this the very moment you are pissed of your OM dumped you?
You are shifting the blame. You are not owning your sh!t.
You are again using you husband transgression to keep the focus off yourself and your issues. 

Work no yourself, friend. Wear the wayward hat.

Again:
Did you send OM a NC letter?
Did you block him?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

BTW, I highly doubt a judge give your husband the full custody becuase you had an online EA no matter the kind of man OM is!
Online EAs doesn't cut in courts.
What's going on here is you are not only a wayward but the the kind of wayward who refuses o be acountable for her actions.
Big surprise.


May I ask what were your demands towards your husband when you caught him?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> My question is...Why would I risk everything for so little in return?


WHY???? Because the one person who you should have been able to trust, betrayed you.

I have been where you are. It's not nice.

What do you want to happen?

My wife and I, we reconciled. But what do YOU want?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And when this new woman dumps him because he is an emotionally messed up meth user, what are you going to do them?

My worry here is that the main problem you are focused on is that your OM with whom you were planning on a PA with, is shagging someone else.

You should be trying to save your marrage and family, and proof your marriage against future cheating.

Yet that doesn't seem to be the course you are on. I fear and believe that when the OM gets dumped you will run to him. 

Please don't go there, you've been given, perhaps your very last chance, at saving your marriage and family.

You and your husband need counselling, with someone who has experience with cheating.

You need to confess to your husband.

And you both need to give each other full transparency. No secrets. No private little ways of having secret relationships (Aka cheating) on the side.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh and seriously, your ex is a meth head. Wtf are you thinking? You want to have sex with that? You want him around your kid? You want you around meth?

Run like hell from that.


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