# How to know if my husband is having an emotional affair



## stellagirl25 (Aug 7, 2010)

I am not really sure where to begin... I haven't talked about this with anyone and it is really starting to get to me. I will start at the beginning. A few months ago I had a friend whose husband worked with my husband. She told me that she suspected him of having an affair with a co-worker. I was giving her advice when she told me to watch out because a different girl in the office was after my husband. I kind of blew it off because I trusted my husband and I thought she was over reacting. I did mention something to my husband about it and he assured me that he was only friends with the people at work. So I let it go. I was busy..I was due with my 2nd baby the next month and didn't really have time to dwell on it. Everything seemed fine until a few weeks ago when my friend had a major fight with her husband over an affair that he was having. She then talked to my mom about( she is a family friend) to get advice on what she should do. She also brought up that she had told me to watch out for my husband because he had something going on with a female co worker and she told me but I wouldn't listen. My mom told and she blew it off as well. So I guess after that I still believed my husband but it put a little doubt in my mind and this time she told which girl it was--- so I started to do some digging. Which I have never done before. We have been married for 6 years and I never thought I would need too. So I checked his facebook--nothing there really he was friends with her and she did comment a lot but not enough to make me think anything, so I checked his email and there was only a few chats from November where they spoke everyday for a week--nothing juicy but it wasn't about work. That was all. So I kind of gave up. Then a few weeks went by and I checked his phone and noticed that he didn't have very many text messages. I started to wonder if he was deleting them. I got online and started to check the phone records and noticed that they were texting and talking a lot on the phone and it all started last November. It started out small talking about 30 minutes for the first month but by January they had talked for over 320 minutes!! Plus there were a lot of text message and they worked together too. I comfronted him about this and told him that I thought he was talking and texting her to much. He got mad at me and said that I basically wasn't allowed to tell him who he could and couldn't talk to and that they were just friends. I said are you sure she thinks it's that way? He said that they would talk about her relationship problems etc... but I feel really hurt because they work together all day, they text all day and then he would talk to her on the way home from work- which is any where from 15-35 minutes. He usually doesn't like talking on the phone and you can see on the phone records that he called me and talked to me for two minutes and then either she would call or he would call her and then they would talk the rest of the way home. I never noticed anything but now that I know they were talking so much little things are starting to bug me. Like the fact a few months ago he said that she was moving and needed help and he asked if it was okay if he helped her move. I said no--because it was his day off and he doesn't get very many and I wanted to spend it with him. Then he also told me how he had to help her put wind shield fluid in her car while he was at work because she didn't know how?? Who doesn't know how? Well, things came to a big fight a few days ago because the female co-worker got a new job. I was happy because I thought okay maybe the calling will stop because they don't work together anymore. Well, it didn't. She was texting and calling after work on her last day. ( the phone records show it but he deleted it from his phone) They I noticed she text just to tell him that she got to go to lunch for an hour. Then the records show that she kept texting him but my husband deleted them. I asked him if she had called him or texted him since she quit and he said no. I told him that wasn't true and I didn't know why he had to lie about it. He told me that he lied about deleting the texts because he didn't want me to worry about her. 
I told him how would you like it if I was texting and talking to another guy and hiding it from you? We left it at that because I had to go to work. That night he told me that he sent her an email because she had emailed him about a work thing( at her old job)... and he said he told her that basically they shouldn't talk anymore because they don't work together and it wasn't fair to his wife. He apologised and said that he didn't realize how much they were talking and that I was right. It wasn't right. Would you consider this an emotional affair? What should I do? I am hurt? Please help. I need someone to talk to. Sorry this is so long.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

It sounds like she was after him, and he was maybe enoying the attention a little. I dont think he should have gone so far w/ the calls and texting so much, but it sounds like he realized it was not right and it was bothering you, and doesnt want to push the boundaries any further. Im still kind of confused as to what a EA really is, or whether its really as bad as people make it out to be. In your case, Id say it could have theoretically(i dont know your H) lead to a sexual affair if it continued, since he was actually spending time with her, but I dont think married people, talking w/ people of the opposite sex, as long as they keep a physical barrier, is necessarily cheating. Its hard to say because talking could be totally innocent, or very naughty. On the other hand, sex is sex, no way of confusing it for somthing else. hope it all work out.


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

Even if he went no further than the messaging, he has eroded your trust, and aroused suspicion. He needs to realize that, to go forward from here, your trust in him needs to be regained. As stated here many times, and from my own therapist...TOTAL transparency in all of his online, phone mail etc. accounts is necessary. If he has nothing to hide, he will need to put up with you having access to ALL for awhile. I am having a hard time with that somewhat, since my H has his phone acct. through work, and an email account there, also. However, we weren't dealing with him contacting another...he was spending time and $$$$$ at strip joints. I do now have FULL access to any financial accounts. With therapy, we have set up other safe-guards, so we can work on our marriage. It is by far the hardest thing I have had to do...but we are both committed at this point.

p.s. we did celebrate our 22nd last night!


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## stellagirl25 (Aug 7, 2010)

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't know...in one way, I want to say it sounds like he was, but then again...you don't know (or at least you don't say, anyway) what they talked about. Without knowing what they talked about, it's hard to say. With him e-mailing her and telling her it needs to stop because it's not fair to you (btw, did you actually SEE the email? I'd ask to, if you haven't), I'd say it was innocent on his end, he realized how much it bothers you and knew that he had to put a stop to it. If she initiated most of the texts and phone calls, I'd say it was more a matter of her going after him, if anything. 

Regardless of whether it was innocent on his part or not, I would still tell him that you are not going to be able to trust him right now, and that you will be watching the phone records, and tell him you want to be able to read his emails and such, so that you will know you can trust him. If he's not ok with that, I'd question why.


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## stellagirl25 (Aug 7, 2010)

He told me that she would talk to him about problems with her ex-boyfriends etc. I don't know how long you can really talk just about that? He said that she would ask him for dating advice.. As for the email, I haven't seen it yet. He is suppose to show it to me tonight. I think he really did do it because as of the last two days she hasn't texted him or called.  It is on his work email. I think you guys are right that she probably was after him. She is also a lot younger. I am 28, my husband is 29 and she is 21 or 22.


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## heartbroken2010 (Aug 8, 2010)

Can't figure out how to post but have related question please help!!Ok so is my husband still in love with his ex fiance? I have been married for almost two years. About four years before i met my husband he was engaged to another lady and had to leave the country they lived in abruptly and therefore their relationship died because of the distance. He assured me that he is not in love with her and has no feelings for her and they are no longer in touch. Yesterday i went through his messages and found that his ex had found him on facebook and he had written her an email which said that (a) he regrets leaving the country but more importantly regres leaving her (b) he still thinks about her a lot. I confronted him about this and he told me he is over her and doesn't think about her and i am not second fiddle to her. Is he lying? Should I believe him or what i saw in black and white? Please help


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

It sounds like he is enjoying the extra attention and is probably enjoying the "damsel in distress game." She should back off and he needs to stop the game and recognize why he is trying to feed his ego this way.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

To me it sounds like something was going on, and I dont mean on a physical level but more on an emotional level. Whether it be from her perspective only, or both, something was drawing them to each other. She felt compelled to talk to him and he felt compelled to listen and be the supportive other guy. 
I am currently in your husbands position although i think mine is much worse in that I will be the first to admitt I am having an emotional affair with a colleague. I hate myself for it and it is not right at all i know that. But I cannot stop talking, texting, emailing him etc. My EA started with my work colleague and i being friends at work and enjoying each others company, to him talking to me about how unhappy he is in his marriage, to us admitting our feelings for each other. I dont think your husband took it that far, but I will be the first to say that contact between them needs to be banned. 
I also agree with the other posters that he needs to regain your trust and disclose everything to you going forward. If nothing is going on then he has nothing to hide.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Almost the exact thing happened to us.  This was 4 years ago, and I had found very inappropriate discussions on MySpace, which then led to chats on Yahoo which I couldn't see. And he worked with her and they rode motorcycles together. Very disheartening. After it all blew up, my DH refused to break it off with her because he "worked" with her and they were "friends". He finally did, but things have never been the same since. I wish you luck, and that hopefully he realized it was wrong and he is being honest with you.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

Girl I went thru same thing. I suspected my husband of having feelings for another girl. It got me really upset and caused many fights and I always asked him to stop talking to her but he wouldn't. But when I was 17 weeks pregnant he left me and said our problems can not be fixed. A couple days later he said he wanted a divorce. The next day he wrote in an email how much he loved this other girl. This girl knew me and knew I was prego too. Im trying to say if u have a feeling its probably right, u need to stop it asap. I almost lost everything over something like that bc I let it get to me. They started out talking for few minutes then texting then long conversations too. They worked together too. And all his friends knew and saw it. It took me selling my house and moving states before he woke up to a realization of losing me and his two kids. Trust me and don't stand for it. It will only progress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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