# Posting on TAM with spouses...Am I tooo Open?!?!?!?



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Last night h and I had a conversation that sort of bothered me.... He was upset that I was posting my true feelings about different threads. He said seems like when I post I sound like a bitter woman?!?!?!? More importantly, he said if he wanted to express his feelings he would get another username?!?!?!? I wasn't sure how to respond to that because it was my impression that the forum is here to openly talk about your emotions/feelings. 

IMO it seems he would rather have a wall to block me out rather than to have me see his true feelings? He initially didn't have a problem with us both as members of TAM but now it seems different. For me, I love the fact that he can see my raw feelings without censorship...but for some reason he can't or doesn't want to return (what I would call) the favor. :scratchhead:


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Hmmm
all I can say is that both my H and me being on TAM with the conflicts we have, would do more harm than help.

It seems to me that if two spouses are not having a lot of problems, openness on TAM is good and healthy.
But if you're in a lot of conflict, it could turn into public arguing.

Find out what is and isn't ok to say in front of others here, and do your best to stick with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Hmm.. seems to me that whatever feelings you post on here, he takes personally in the sense that he may be embarrassed what people might think about him. Whatever you write, he feels it's reflecting badly on him.

He shouldn't have publicly admitted he is your husband, I suppose. Then he would have a sort of anonymity shield around him.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

2sick said:


> IMO it seems he would rather have a wall to block me out rather than to have me see his true feelings?


Within the context of an online forum, this really shouldn't be a factor. Presuming that you and he do share your feelings with one another in the context of your marriage.

If he chooses not to be as open in online discussions as you do ... I think it's ok to simply acknowledge it and carry on. I fail to see how this harms your relationship dynamic.

I see no correlation between his choice to not share strong feelings or emotions on TAM, versus how that has any relevance to how he feels about you.

Hell, if you are curious how he feels about a subject you are passionate about, you have the benefit of being able to look up from your keyboard and ask him


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Over the years there have been several cases where both spouses came on TAM to present their cases. I remember a couple of them got down right ugly. If you and your husband are going to do this please keep it respectful.

Honestly I don't think you are being too open. That's what anonymous forums are for. It's a place where you can do your "journaling" AND get feedback.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Deej,

How would your ex have reacted to your observations posted here?


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Hmmm
> all I can say is that both my H and me being on TAM with the conflicts we have, would do more harm than help.
> 
> It seems to me that if two spouses are not having a lot of problems, openness on TAM is good and healthy.
> ...


:iagree: I'm not sure my husband would appreciate my open, honest feelings on some issues so us both being on here would definitely do more harm than good.

While he knows I'm on here and knows I post what issues are occurring, I'm not sure he could "take" some of what I've said. He already thinks I don't like him, only stay because I feel sorry for him, etc., I think some things I have said might validate those feelings for him even though they are not how I really feel.

Here though, I feel I can be VERY open and just let it all hang out - since it's anonymous. I don't have to worry about what I'm saying and how I'm saying it and that is very freeing and allows me to get some things out that my husband probably wouldn't want to hear or listen to.

Maybe he thinks that you have been too open FOR HIM. And this is making HIM uncomfortable - but that's his problem, why is it yours? You and him might both be on TAM, but you're still anonymous to US, so why does it matter?

Have either of you USED what was said against each other negatively or in the midst of an argument? If so, then that might be his fear - giving you MORE ammunition towards him. That's the reason my husband and I leave what IS SAID by the both of us in MC in MC - we don't discuss it afterwards or use it against each other later down the road.

Could that be the actual issue?


----------



## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

2sick said:


> He was upset that I was posting my true feelings about different threads.


Not exactly, I expressed concern that you post your true feelings before sharing them with me. Furthermore, I try not to cast you in a negative light or put you down on the forum.



> IMO it seems he would rather have a wall to block me out rather than to have me see his true feelings?


I have to admit that revealing my true feeling can be like pulling teeth sometimes but I would like to think that I would share with 2sick before posting to an quasi-anonymous forum.



> He initially didn't have a problem with us both as members of TAM but now it seems different. For me, I love the fact that he can see my raw feelings without censorship...but for some reason he can't or doesn't want to return (what I would call) the favor. :scratchhead:


I don't have a problem with us both being on TAM I just don't necessarily like bickering though TAM.


----------



## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> That's the reason my husband and I leave what IS SAID by the both of us in MC in MC - we don't discuss it afterwards or use it against each other later down the road.


That's strategy sounds wonderful in theory, but I'd worry that the tooth paste cannot be put back into the tube, so to speak. How do either of you keep from playing egregious statements made in MC over and over again in your head?


----------



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Within the context of an online forum, this really shouldn't be a factor. Presuming that you and he do share your feelings with one another in the context of your marriage.
> 
> If he chooses not to be as open in online discussions as you do ... I think it's ok to simply acknowledge it and carry on. I fail to see how this harms your relationship dynamic.
> 
> ...


 Believe it or not I've discovered some things about him and his feelings that he had not expressed to me and also I really love to hear his response to OTHER people's pov because you are right I Know EXACTLY how he will respond to me and vice verse!!!!


----------



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Over the years there have been several cases where both spouses came on TAM to present their cases. I remember a couple of them got down right ugly. If you and your husband are going to do this please keep it respectful.
> 
> Honestly I don't think you are being too open. That's what anonymous forums are for. It's a place where you can do your "journaling" AND get feedback.


I don't know if you've seen our older posts. I think they helped and think they were respectful. AND DEFINITELY great for feedback and even though we know each other it is anonymous to everyone else.


----------



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> 2sick--
> 
> i think you sound perfectly normal.
> 
> ...


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Conrad said:


> Deej,
> 
> How would your ex have reacted to your observations posted here?


Tears and body blows mostly, I should think ...

It's actually a good question. I've thought about it quite often actually. If she stumbled upon this site, I don't doubt for a moment that she'd be able to pick me out of the lineup.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Deejo,
You have a unique voice - she would quickly pick you out. 

I think it is better to be able to write with zero filter and I couldn't do that consistently if my W was on here.




Deejo said:


> Tears and body blows mostly, I should think ...
> 
> It's actually a good question. I've thought about it quite often actually. If she stumbled upon this site, I don't doubt for a moment that she'd be able to pick me out of the lineup.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

2sick said:


> we know each other it is anonymous to everyone else.


I would never have guessed. Good job!


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I think in a general way this is the issue: IRL to each other you two probably 'think' some things that you know better than to 'say' to each other...but here on an anonymous forum you might think, "Well hey, no one knows me, I can say what I really think!" 

The trouble is that what we think can sometimes be pretty whiney and selfish  Yeah...me too! So once you've written like that...out loud...you kind of have put that out there for the world to see. And at the moment it may have been what was really ringing around in your head, and some part of you may have been thinking "Darn I can not get this out of my mind! Let me vent" or "Maybe someone can point me in a better direction...." but the fact of the matter is that even anonymously, you said out loud some pretty 'less than lovely' things about your spouse OR you put how you perceived it and that may be 100% your real perception, but it wasn't theirs AT ALL. So now yours is out as if it's "fact" and a couple people get on your thread saying, "YEAH! You're right!" or making a fairly quick to judge, tough love statement...and your spouse is like "HEY! That's not my side AT ALL and you know it's not and you misrepresented me and now a bunch of feminazi's are telling you to divorce me!" 



Soooooo...I don't see any trouble with two spouses posting on here, but it's under the condition that what's said here is spoken to them first--within the intimacy of your relationship--and under the condition that what you say here is about you and your side and your thoughts and your feelings, not about them or what THEY thought or felt (let them do that)...and some part of you realizes that what you write, your spouse will read, so be as kind as you can be and still be honest.


----------



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> i have posted on it?!! i though i was talking to you?!?
> 
> geez...maybe i should read a lot closer before i post....


:

Not this one.lol he's bad news...no pun intended.


----------



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I think in a general way this is the issue: IRL to each other you two probably 'think' some things that you know better than to 'say' to each other...but here on an anonymous forum you might think, "Well hey, no one knows me, I can say what I really think!"
> 
> The trouble is that what we think can sometimes be pretty whiney and selfish  Yeah...me too! So once you've written like that...out loud...you kind of have put that out there for the world to see. And at the moment it may have been what was really ringing around in your head, and some part of you may have been thinking "Darn I can not get this out of my mind! Let me vent" or "Maybe someone can point me in a better direction...." but the fact of the matter is that even anonymously, you said out loud some pretty 'less than lovely' things about your spouse OR you put how you perceived it and that may be 100% your real perception, but it wasn't theirs AT ALL. So now yours is out as if it's "fact" and a couple people get on your thread saying, "YEAH! You're right!" or making a fairly quick to judge, tough love statement...and your spouse is like "HEY! That's not my side AT ALL and you know it's not and you misrepresented me and now a bunch of feminazi's are telling you to divorce me!"
> 
> ...


:iagree:
I suppose that's why I like both us being on so if there is confusion about what the other was saying it will come to light here. For clarification, I only say things that have already been said ...guess it wasn't heard. Either way it's now been heard.


----------



## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> I think it is better to be able to write with zero filter and I couldn't do that consistently if my W was on here.


Yet you endorse computer key stroke loggers, very interesting?


----------



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

827Aug said:


> I would never have guessed. Good job!


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bad News said:


> Yet you endorse computer key stroke loggers, very interesting?


Hey Marco... thought you got banned.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I think in a general way this is the issue: IRL to each other you two probably 'think' some things that you know better than to 'say' to each other...but here on an anonymous forum you might think, "Well hey, no one knows me, I can say what I really think!"
> 
> The trouble is that what we think can sometimes be pretty whiney and selfish  Yeah...me too! So once you've written like that...out loud...you kind of have put that out there for the world to see. And at the moment it may have been what was really ringing around in your head, and some part of you may have been thinking "Darn I can not get this out of my mind! Let me vent" or "Maybe someone can point me in a better direction...." but the fact of the matter is that even anonymously, you said out loud some pretty 'less than lovely' things about your spouse OR you put how you perceived it and that may be 100% your real perception, but it wasn't theirs AT ALL. So now yours is out as if it's "fact" and a couple people get on your thread saying, "YEAH! You're right!" or making a fairly quick to judge, tough love statement...and your spouse is like "HEY! That's not my side AT ALL and you know it's not and you misrepresented me and now a bunch of feminazi's are telling you to divorce me!"
> 
> ...


Ok - you are now in my pantheon of favorites.

Of course, I won't tell anyone who the others are.

This is one awesome post.

Many let their whiny-assed baby out in this forum.

I suppose that's helpful to them - but not at all helpful if their spouse reads it.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

WOW! I'm part of the pantheon!  
 I think I should celebrate or something.


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

If I were to have an issue with my sweetie, I'd be on here whining and complaining and looking for advice. But this is MY playground...he'd have to get his own place to play! No way would I be open to him being here. If he came anyway, I'd leave. 

And I want to be in the pantheon! Can I submit my application?


----------



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

major misfit said:


> If I were to have an issue with my sweetie, I'd be on here whining and complaining and looking for advice. But this is MY playground...he'd have to get his own place to play! No way would I be open to him being here. If he came anyway, I'd leave.
> 
> And I want to be in the pantheon! Can I submit my application?


MM, why would ya leave if he joined? AND I'm assuming it's not the greek gods pantheon?!?!?!?


----------

