# When wayward's file divorce



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

After reading some interesting posts on many threads, I've seen that more often than not, the betrayed spouse is the one who usually is faced with the decision to file divorce or not. And based on all the various experiences, it seems that the BS taking this step has a positive affect in terms of marital recovery. But what Afternoons when the wayward files? It seems this is not the case most of the time, but are these situation more prone to really end in divorce? 

I guess I ask the question because that's what happened in my case and it looks to really be the end. I eventually found out, confronted, exposed, and everything so she filed.  I made the decision that I was gonna fight as hard as I could but nothing worked starting with me moving out so that my ww could get some space. I know that was my first mistake but it was done before I had any idea that infidelity was an issue. I would love to hear thoughts on this...

By the way, I'm doing really good dealing with it all now. I just wanted to see how common this is because I always seem to see it the other way around.
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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I would say that if the wayward files divorce is pretty much imminent.

They`re just done and want out.

Have you told her you may be willing to reconcile.
It could be that she just doesn`t even think you could want to so is trying to get it over with.

Have you spoken about it?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

You can read my saga on the thread "could someone explain this fog?". Its been going on for a year. She didn't file until I confronted a guy she was having an affair with. She actually told her family we wouldn't be going through this if I had just left her alone. My translation: if he would have just let me have my fun and not say anything, I would've stayed with him. That's funny...
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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

My ex Husband also filed after I exposed the affair to his family and few close friends. What appalled me the most is how calculated everything was on his end. In my case there was very little time between me finding the evidence and confronting. Not saying I was not going to file myself but I certainly gave him the opportunity to explain himself. After I exposed his affair we did not even have one conversation to say why he did it so I never got a real closure. 

My divorce was final about a year ago. He is still with his 50 year old wh**e. I try to move on but everyday seems like insurmoutable struggle. He still denies his affair at least to me. 

Funny thing, the OW just put up her house for sale. On the realtor.com website I just saw photos of the inside of the house. Recognized some of our old furniture including a Panda bear that belongs to our son(just made me sick). They live together but my ex also has an apartment where all his mail comes but I am almost positive that he is in her house most of the time. And this ***** collects alimony from her ex husband.

My ex moron of a husband has been paying off for some repairs and renos in her house before the listing. He has left me on the joint account so I still have access to it(I don't check it very often any more).


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I would say that if the wayward files divorce is pretty much imminent.
> 
> They`re just done and want out.


Sounds like an "exit affair."


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I kinda thought that, too, but I it just didn't seem to fit because wife had just started medicine to help with conception of our second child (she has a pituitar tumor). We were also actively looking for our second home.

It started with a ONS that wasnt discovered until 1 1/2 months after we separated for her "space". I don't know. I guess I really shouldn't worry about it anymore.
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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I filed, but was, essentially forced to. My XW was invested in having it appear as if I was the moving force in the divorce. In reality, despite being given ample opportunity, she would not stop cheating.
But, I guess, in her mind, she felt that , at some point, she would be able to tell our kids I divorced her. Of course, she was not counting on the fact that I went public with the affair and exposed to the entire family. 
I also, think, that on boards like these , where folks seem to be more willing to at leat consider reconcilliation, it may be more common that the BS files, after efforts have been unsuccessful
Perhaps among folks not coming to these sites, the cheater knows that being busted means certain divorce, as the betrayed has an abo****e zero tolerance. So, the cheater files pre-empively, perhps to give the appearance that the betrayed was so bad that the cheater filed.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I am wondering if mine is going to file... I am not in a big hurry right now as I have all the money and I have the kids. I didn't want a divorce, he is the one that says he doesn't want to try to save the marriage. Hearing those words really hurts.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

My ex husband started the affair when our son was not even 10 months old. We spent 2 years fighting infertility and then I became pregnant out of the blue. He told me 6 months before I discovered the affair that if he got laid off from the job in CT(where we transferred from Canada) he would take 6 months off to spend them with me and son(we had no debt and he had it in his contract that they would pay him a year's worth of salary. He was a CEO of a company). We were making plans about moving somewhere else in the world, having another child. So how can something like this be an exit affair? The OW who worked with him did not start working at the company until after our son was born. She was fully aware who I was and that he had a child.

And now he goes around telling people how we have had problems for "years" conveniently omitting the fact that he had an affair.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I discovered my x affair on a Sunday morning. She left that day moved in with OM. Monday at ten am I texted her told her we needed to talk. she replied, My attorneys name is......his phone is...... Tuesday in the am she filed for divorce. Not ninety days later we were divorced. I offered R she was not interested. I believe that if the WW files it is as mentioned. They are done and want out. Certainly the deal in my case. We never had a talk about what happened, she never gave me a chance at R, just not interested. I believe now as I did then that she has more mental issues that just being unhappy with me, maybe that is just me still in denial. but how do you account for someone throwing away thirty years of marriage with no discussion, no remorse otherwise?


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

notreadytoquit said:


> My ex husband started the affair when our son was not even 10 months old. We spent 2 years fighting infertility and then I became pregnant out of the blue. He told me 6 months before I discovered the affair that if he got laid off from the job in CT(where we transferred from Canada) he would take 6 months off to spend them with me and son(we had no debt and he had it in his contract that they would pay him a year's worth of salary. He was a CEO of a company). We were making plans about moving somewhere else in the world, having another child. So how can something like this be an exit affair? The OW who worked with him did not start working at the company until after our son was born. She was fully aware who I was and that he had a child.
> 
> And now he goes around telling people how we have had problems for "years" conveniently omitting the fact that he had an affair.


Very, very common. These folks really go on a PR campaign to keep a lid on the cheating. I can't tell you how may times I have see a cheater play the domestic violence card or the child molestation card, as well.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

So what do you suggest I do in my defense so to speak? 

Maybe I should start going around saying that he has mental issues. He started his affair while in position of power, used part of company money to finance the affair(and I have paper evidence of that). HE no longer works there. He and OW and many others were laid off few months before I discovered the affair.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Everything above applies to me. One of her friends, who lives in another state, is 40, divorced, has a gambling problem and lives with his mom. But every dog has his day and mine is just around the corner. Yesterday she was reminding how she was not vendictive how she had been very nice to me because she didn't turn off the electricity, didn't turn off my phone, etc. I guess the part where she divorced me, split up my family and trying to take half of what I own isn't being a greedy, heartless b***h. She was trying to convince me that she was being very nice in this divorce because she fears me dropping the bomb on her and her co-workers.
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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

notreadytoquit said:


> So what do you suggest I do in my defense so to speak?


Nothing, stay above it.

The people you care about know the truth, screw the rest of them.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Hoosier said:


> I discovered my x affair on a Sunday morning. She left that day moved in with OM. Monday at ten am I texted her told her we needed to talk. she replied, My attorneys name is......his phone is...... Tuesday in the am she filed for divorce. Not ninety days later we were divorced. I offered R she was not interested. I believe that if the WW files it is as mentioned. They are done and want out. Certainly the deal in my case. We never had a talk about what happened, she never gave me a chance at R, just not interested. I believe now as I did then that she has more mental issues that just being unhappy with me, maybe that is just me still in denial. but how do you account for someone throwing away thirty years of marriage with no discussion, no remorse otherwise?


It wasn't like that with us (I know not all are the same). We were actively working for our second child and looking for a new house. She only filed when I confronted her om (by phone and nonviolently). He cut ties that day because she told him she was divorced. That made her mad. She filed the next day.
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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

My cheating wife filed for divorce then informed me that she had been in a series of affairs for the entire marriage and "our" children were in reality hers with two other guys. The divorce wiped me out and she along with one of her drones ended up with the house since the idiot judge insisted that I needed to provide for her and "our" children regardless of whom the father might be.
It took me two years to get back on my feet financially but not even ten minutes to get "over" her.
She recently contacted me wanting to make amends since she and her non working drone had managed to lose the house for non payment of a second mortgage. It wasn't clear if she expected me to provide for her stud, but it seems that I was already doing it for the last year before the divorce.
Her children have both graduated from college, at my expense, and allegedly aren't answering her calls to them.
Life's a biotch.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

marksaysay said:


> It wasn't like that with us (I know not all are the same). We were actively working for our second child and looking for a new house. She only filed when I confronted her om (by phone and nonviolently). He cut ties that day because she told him she was divorced. That made her mad. She filed the next day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes you are right every situation was different. i guess some of us will never know the answers to some questions and it is really difficult to move on in life like that . But I guess we have to do it. I just can't believe the transformation of this man that used to be my husband.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Cheaters deserve to lose everything.

Probably filed because she had detached silently a long time ago whilst you were still attached. The whole experience is so much harder because there is no discussion, no reconciliation, nothing. No closure.

This type of cheater is calculating, cold and basically devoid of empathy for another's feelings.

Probably filed to get in there first to save face from being dumped. 

It is a trait by someone intrinsically selfish, so scared of being alone that they use another to make the transition easier to exit.

Such people can never be happy in themselves because they seek happiness by draining it from another. This type of cheater is fundamentally abusive in nature.

Users and abusers. No doubt blames everyone for everything wrong whilst not taking responsibility for anything they did during the relationship.

Likeable and charming but with a sting in the tail. Basically it is a bad streak and that type of person is someone that should make you want to run.

Stay clear because such types can be very destructive and damaging to a LS mind, body and soul.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Agreed. If you look at his thread in the divorce forum, you'll see that she filed for bankruptcy. She's trying to avoid her half of the marital debt and stick him with all of it. This WW is doing anything and everything to hurt him.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Lazarus said:


> Cheaters deserve to lose everything.
> 
> Probably filed because she had detached silently a long time ago whilst you were still attached. The whole experience is so much harder because there is no discussion, no reconciliation, nothing. No closure.
> 
> ...


you made quite a few good points here. My ex husband is also in sales(and very good at it) so he is able to project the good guy image when needed, but deep down he is exactly like you describe it. He does not like failures so I think the filing for divorce was also preemptive strike. But in my investigation before confronting him I saw that he was looking at apartments, and reading articles how infants may be affected by divorce(our son was not even 1 year old when this fiasco started). I just don't know how neither I nor anyone else that had met my ex H never said anything to me to warn me about this relationship in the 9 years we were together.

Oh and one time he text me before I went for my biopsy.He did not know what I was going for but said "he hoped it turned out ok". I think this was more along the lines him hoping that nothing bad happens to me so he does not end up being full time father.

In my case the OW was also in the process of divorcing her 2nd husband so she was ahead of the game in that process and gave adequate coaching to him.

I feel bad for the people in CT this week with no power but not for my ex and the OW.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

While I understand about the thought that intrinsically, this is who my wife is, I have a totally different take. From a spiritual standpoint, it is nothing but Satan's attack on God's institution of family through my wife. For 11 yrs, she was NOT selfish at all. Controlling, I'll give you that. This had always been an issue because I didn't always let her have her way. As the man and leader of the home, I wasn't suppose to. I've learned that this was something she not only learned from who she described as a controlling mother (and she was right) but also a coping mechanism due to being sexually abused by her stepfather as a teen (I only learned this about 2 yrs ago). I found out people who have been abused feel the abuse was something they couldn't control so they would try to control everything as adults. She would often try to start an argument about the route I drove home from church (my route had too many stop signs).

She wasn't selfish. She would often get down about trying to help all of her friends and family but no one was ever willing to do things for her. She was quite often the go-to person for everyone. I would tell her that she would drain herself trying to be everything for everybody and that sometimes she would have to say no.

She was very active at our church, supporting me in my ministry, volunteering to be the church secretary when the previous one retired. She almost never missed church, went to bible study, asked questions of me to gain more biblical understanding. She was talking to people at her job about God, taking them copies of my sermons, a lot of other things. I know this is currently not who she is right now, but that person is not dead, just MIA. I believe this is a spiritual fight and one that only God can turn around. 

A close family friend, a middle aged women to whom I exposed said it best. She said, "Satan knew he had little chance at really getting to your wife without first getting her preacher husband out of the way". It would seem he's done a pretty good job at this point. I haven't totally given up but I've given it totally to the ONLY one who can do something about it, God.
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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

my WW filed. I forced it. I wasnt paying for it and the terms of the protective order I have issued against her OM stated he goes to jail if they communicate EVER so long as we are married.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Oh my brother! Mark I posted some overly stern words to you in another thread and for that I apoligise.
Mark three times I have prayed my wife back after she left me. You are so correct that God can heal and make it all new and afresh again. He is a miracle worker. But oh my how much prayer and devotion to the Lord that it takes when a WW is riding high on sin and all the attention that a good looking cheating woman can get in this society we live in. America in my opinion (sorry folks if this is disturbing) is a nation that exists to breed and produce women that cheat and *****hop from bed to bed. Despite the pleas of any man that may love them and pleads for them to be a faithful wife. Our entire culture glorifies women like this...think about this you television viewers and school students!
These women are so strongly supported and assisted in their behavior that even their co-workers assist them in their attempts to get away from their husbands and live their own lives that they so much deserve (supposedly).
This very evening though Mark,the woman that I have asked to come back to me four times now...was brought into question by a close relative of mine that more or less insisted that I have a DNA test done for one of my children to see if that child was really mine. 
God requires us to forgive and I have and can still even if this child proves to be not mine. But after years of proof and millions of red flags,it has become obvious that she is a free moral agent and even after God brought us back together in the past,she cannot break free from that spirit that she loves. Mark...it's her choice ultimatly and not Gods. God tries to keep people out of hell but they still choose to go there despite what Jesus did.
I am not saying to give up! But saying that you might want to see her real desires despite what God may be trying to do with her. I would love to find out that she repented and came back but my wife has made me want to change my user name from Bartimaus to 'DoubtingThomas'. God doesn't stop those that are hell bent on their own will. I have now accepted that my wife is hell bent and determined to do her thing and that God may have to kill her to get her to change. But some would die and go to hell 100 times before they give up their will. My woman is that,hope yours isn't.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Nature vs. Nuture. 

Bart, I have read your story, and was deeply saddened by it. However, infidelity is conducted by both men and women. Men can be just as vile, cruel, and soulless as the cheating wife. Plenty of stories here abOut cheating husbands. 

Ted Haggard: a coward, a liar, and a manipulator. Betrayed his followers, his family, and whatever god he claimed to believe in. I don't buy into that Christian megachurch nonsense - which certainly didn't breed infidelity. It's an act, based on the choice, committed by the individual.
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