# HD - LD dynamic - When it works



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is a summary of 21 years of observations. 

My W's raw "sexual" desire for me is low. It just is. I actually don't think that is "her" as much as me. I am not the "classical" version of a sexy guy even though I am easy to look at. With that said - there are a short list of things I can do "outside" the bedroom that make her hot. And when I pay attention and do those - they cause her desire to rise. 

Still, even with that we have a pretty big desire "gap". I have been asking myself why she is still happily "willing" to be such a great sexual partner after all these years. 

I am as certain as you can ever be about this type thing that these are the main positive behavioral drivers for "her":
- She is emotionally "meshed" with me enough so that making "me" happy directly makes "her" happy. 
- She likes the sensation it creates of being "ultra" close 
- She is competitive (with herself) about this stuff and takes pride in bringing me to the edge of a cardiac event
- She enjoys being desired - it makes her feel desirable
- She truly believes that "bad sexual partner = bad wife" (this comes from me, and she has embraced it). When we have a sufficient "gap" between sex she will say "I don't want to be one of THOSE women". I just laugh. 

On the down side - when her "low" desire goes to "no" desire she tries to conceal it instead of talking to me. Sadly at that point she is primarily being driven by fear and the guilt associated with not being a good partner. 

I am conflicted about the guilt/fear thing. More so as I age. Trying to move away from that. On the bright side this morning I heard her say "I am in love with you". Haven't heard that in many moons.


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## TrueGentleman (Apr 29, 2009)

I find it amusing that the "when it works" thread is the one with no replies...

Our dynamic felt like this during the first year and a bit. Her depression -- and probably more importantly, how I handled it -- changed the dynamic for the worse. HD - LD is fine with me when it works how you describe it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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