# to tell the child or not?



## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

My wife wants the divorce, I don't. Do you tell the child? Why or why not?
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## 1dayatatime (Feb 19, 2012)

I don't think I would considering you will put the child in the position to choose sides. just make sure they know that they are not at fault and that things are not working out but that u will still stay friends.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

It is a difficult decision. How old are the children? It isn't as simple as telling the children it just didn't work out and that their parents will stay friends. I think the children's ages is an important factor that must be considered.


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## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

9 year old daughter, only one. The reason I ask is because my wife resides with my daughter. I moved out. My wife isn't having any of the problems I do because she is with her most of the time and I want my daughter to know that it's her mom that caused this. Obviously I won't tell her that but she isn't feeling the consequences of her decision yet and I think she should. I'm feeling very insecure and definitely want some payback for the grief.
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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

dazed/confused said:


> 9 year old daughter, only one. The reason I ask is because my wife resides with my daughter. I moved out. My wife isn't having any of the problems I do because she is with her most of the time and I want my daughter to know that it's her mom that caused this. Obviously I won't tell her that but she isn't feeling the consequences of her decision yet and I think she should. I'm feeling very insecure and definitely want some payback for the grief.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't say D yet, maybe wait to be sure it's going to go through (filed etc). They do need time to prepare for it, maybe you and your wife can present it as a separation for now. 

Suggested reading w/ scripts 
Helping Children Cope with Divorce, Revised and Updated Edition by Edward Teyber 
It also helps w/ roles and to for problems parents often have to deal with as they go through separation/divorce and what problems to watch for etc.


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## ontheup (Mar 4, 2012)

telling our kids was the hardest thing, they were 10 and 14 at the time, we sat down as a family and my H told them that he was leaving because he no longer loved me and could not live with me anymore. He told them that he would always love them and be there for them and would vist regularily. The kids broke their hearts as they did not know we were having any problem, my daughters comment was but you don't fall out you guys talk and work things out. The only thing is he was not honest with them and it came back to bite him 4 months later when they found out he had actually left for another woman with a 14 year old daughter, my kids did not speak to their dad for 5 months despite me trying to encourage them. 
the important thing for me was to answer any question they had a simply and as honestly as i could without slagging of their dad. I informed their schools of our circumstances so they could deal with any issues that arose at school. That was a smart move as the kids got extra support from the support teachers to help them talk thing through. iat the ages my kids were i found it was better to be honset but without details if that makes sense.


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