# just can't forget those words.



## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

15 months since seeing messages on instant messenger from my husband and his "internet friend" the sex chat was bad enough but the emotional messages were a knife in my heart, considering he hasn't and doesn't ever show those emotions to me. He ceased talking to her and hasn't been doing anything untoward since BUT I just can't get those words out of my head, just want him to express those emotions that he shared with her with me  Perhaps he doesn't feel that way with me anymore, although he says he loves me. How on earth do I stop those hurtful words going round in my head - some days are good and some bad, this week is a bad one. Anyone experienced the same and got over it (apart from divorce). We have been together 36 years and after all this time I just don't know anymore


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Have you told him what your needs are? 

Sorry but I have no experience with reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

An EA is fantasy. Dr. Phil says it's easy to be up on a love cloud with someone when you don't have to do the 'damn dailies' with them; like mow the lawn or put out the garbage etc.

If he had ever gotten together with her in real life it would have lead to fights and heartache all around, and the 'lovey-dovey' stuff would have come down to 'who took the last slice of bread' discussions. Stop the words by reminding yourself that what he had was nothing based on a REAL man-woman relationship. He was on fantasy island. She could have been a man or a 98 year old woman that he was corresponding with for all he really knew. 

Do you vent on a bad day? Do you tell him that it would be NICE to hear some terms of affection from him at times? I dated a guy many years ago, and he was upfront with me. He said 'I'm hurt because you never call me honey, or never make the first move to hug me or kiss me'. I respected him for that because he was brave enough to express his needs.


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## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

Working dad -

Have told him many many times that I would like him to show me the same kind of emotion but with very little success.

Indiecat - no he is not a man or a woman of 98.

His internet friend was a women half my age, he had her as a facebook friend so not so much a fantasy - he had been talking to her for several months and were at the stage of wanting to get together, although I know this didn't happen because of the distance.

Thanks for taking the time to reply:smthumbup:


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

He had an EA. 

It sounds like he may have gone NC with her, but have you checked lately? Did he give you all of his passwords?

I hope you did not rug sweep the situation. 

How would he feel if you had some kind of affair? What has he done to show you he is sorry for not just getting caught, but for what he did and how it made you feel? 

Has he gone to counseling with you? Has he planned any romantic dates with you? 

What would you like for him to do in addition to sharing those emotions with you?


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## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

harrybrown

Oh I check everything and I am 100% sure he is not in contact with her.

He doesn't like talking about it as it ends in arguments and he "hates arguments"

He had two MC sessions, but really ignored everything that he was told!!

Date nights - maybe 3/4 in 15 months, but really I am the one that organised them!!!

More sex would be good - before his EA no sex for many many years, he says we can't have sex 24/7 stupid excuse I know.

So no he hasn't done a lot to SHOW me he is sorry, he SAYS he is sorry, but that is only words and that is what he said when I confronted him about his EA they were"just words" - so were our marriage vows.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

essexgirl said:


> harrybrown
> 
> Oh I check everything and I am 100% sure he is not in contact with her.
> 
> ...


Action speaks volumns. Words alone don't. Action and words together speaks multiple volumns.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

essexgirl said:


> He doesn't like talking about it as it ends in arguments and he "hates arguments"
> 
> He had two MC sessions, but really ignored everything that he was told!!


The more you can resolve the easier it is to move past things. You need to get to a point where you can bring up a trigger without 'attacking him' or him feeling 'attacked'. He probably feels bad when you bring it up, GOOD! He should.

But the point isn't to make him feel bad, it's for him to understand what you need. Most every trigger holds some clue, something to be discovered, about you, about him about you both. 

I held back with my FWW for a year letting her know how I felt at any particular moment. Nothing was getting better while I was doing that. I had to let her know when something bothered me and when I needed her to do something for me. 

Our MC helped us come up with ways to talk about 'it' without it being an attack on anyone's part. It's normal when we are in pain to lash out at anything that causes more pain, and talking about it causes more pain in the short term. But long term it's required to rebuild trust.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

I don't telling you this but from what you have posted it sounds like he is sorry he was caught, not sorry for his actions.

You are doing the work, he isn't and he is the one that screwed up. You're organizing the date nights? Not cool. Do not listen to what comes out of his mouth, actions only are what will show you.

My wife had an intense EA several years ago. I will never forget some of the words I saw she told the OM. Never. I wondered the same thing you are wondering. Just remember this - it's not about you. It's about his lack of character.

Work on yourself. Take a stand with him.


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