# How do I deal with the jealousy?



## celestialsunberry (Jan 7, 2011)

What do I do? I love my husband more than anything. I tell him this. He knows that I care about him, no matter how much money he makes, or what he does.

Right now, I'm the sole provider. We live in a small town; jobs are hard. I understand what it's like, etc.

We're working on our fourth year of marriage. Now...right after we got married, my husband met some people online, we met them in person, and the girl didn't like me. We had a lot of problems due to this, and, he would go spend twelve hour days with them multiple times a week and tell me to not talk to him while he was out, and so, you know, I respected him. (He even out with the girl all the time alone!) It was kind of ridiculous. We were both working at the time, and I've always brought in some kind of income.

We moved to a new apartment at the end of last year. During that time, my husband was an over the road trucker driver, so, I lived alone for a long time. Of course, when you live alone, you begin to remember things about yourself that you forgot—like, self confidence, or taking care of yourself, instead of waiting on everyone else all the time.

So, my husband's been out of work for a month or so now. For the past few weeks, I've met some new online friends. They're just online, most of them are married, and they're just...friends. I've had very little friends the past few years due to marriage and just living in such a small town. So, for me, to have friends, is epic.

But now that I found friends, my husband is jealous. He's so jealous of me playing online with them. He gets upset every time I play. He wants to talk to me, get my attention, and then he gets upset when I don't respond well after his continual pestering. In the past, he's been all, “You're too clingy!” and any time I wanna hang out, he just blows some kind of a gasket. 

Because he's home all the time, it's not like we really get a chance to be apart from each other. I love to be with my husband, but, I want some space, too. These people aren't even in real life! I do not go out to spend twelve hour days with them alone. I had them add him as a friend, too, and they've played with him. I've tried to include him.

I don't think my husband is dealing well with my new-found independence. I've always been there to take care of him. He got the same way a few years ago when I took a night job. He started becoming really needy.

I cook, I clean, and I spend time with him. He just....gets so upset, and now he took out some change, and drove away in the car because I started playing with my friends. It's almost bed time. He constantly expects me to bend to his rules, yet, he won't abide by them himself. You know, I'm a lot kinder, and now that he's in a position where I have friends, suddenly, it's like I'm doing the wrong thing by enjoying some time with friends. 

I can understand he might feel replaced, or useless, but he needs to grow up. I don't know what to do. I mean, I say, “Hey, if you don't want me to play, it's cool.” You know, it's not like I talk to them every day of my life, yikes! I don't know what to say to him. I think he just ran off to his brother's. It's just kind of sad to see him this way and it's not fair. I don't understand why he expects me to “follow his rules,” but, he couldn't possibly be that lenient. What do I do and how do I help him get over his insecurity and jealousy?


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Ya know, one thing I've learned from being married...I don't care how close two people are, each one needs their own space/alone time/friends. That's not to say couples shouldn't share mutual interests or social circles...just that, as human beings, we all need some time/friends to ourselves. 

My husband and I got laid off within 2 weeks of each other in 2008. I will never forget how much we fought during that time because...well...all we did was hang out together. We didn't have money to go out, we looked online for jobs in shifts, ate every meal together, rarely left the house, etc. Whenever schedules change (we've been through this too many times to count) there's an adjustment period of getting used to being in each others' space again. I can see how this would especially affect you, after having trucker husband who's gone most of the time (my dad's a trucker, too...I know how hard it can get to be by yourself!)

You say you don't know what to do...have you just told your husband this stuff? If you have and he ignores it...you may have a bigger problem. But, as it stands...a discussion about boundries could go a long way. It's totally normal and healthy for BOTH of you to have your own friends/lives (long as it doesn't become a higher priority than your life together.) If he's naturally insecure/jealous, you may not be able to change that...however, you can certainly find out then assuage any fears he has.

I'd suggest just having a completely open discussion with him. Tell him it hurts your feelings that you can't seem to have any time to yourself. Tell him you know he feels vulnerable and you understand...but he has a right to his own friends, too. 

I'm also currently the sole provider in my house. I can tell you firsthand, this takes a huge toll on a dude's self esteem (unless he's unemployed by choice.) But basically, being jobless can make a guy feel absolutely useless. You may want to take this into account, too...he might just feel like he needs to demonstrate some other value to you other than bringing money into your house so you don't decide to leave him (not that you would...just hypothesizing on the mind of a jobless, insecure man.)

Sounds like you guys love each other, though...just open up, be honest (yet gentle and non-accusatory) and you can work through it. 

Good luck to you!


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Play what?


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I know this has nothing to do with this thread, buuuuttt I myself am trying to over come my jealousy, and controlling behavior. I'm one of those passive aggressive needy types. I have gotten better and I think it goes back to my insecurity. Your husband maybe feeling insecure as you are the bread winner at the moment.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He is jealous (MAYBE...just my opinion) because he knows he was up to no good when he was foolin' around online.

Total projection, imo. 12 hours with people and you were told NOT to contact him?! Wtf is that about?? you are his WIFE. The woman didn't like you? She liked him though....yea. I smell bull shet.


----------

