# I think I married a freeloader.



## threedogs

Hi all. 

My husband and I have been married for just less than a year. I love him dearly and in all aspects but one I consider him a wonderful, loving, caring man.

I think I married a freeloader.

We have lived together in my home since before we were married, he did not own a home. Now that we are married I consider all things, his and mine, now "ours", but I am still the only one paying on the mortgage/electric/trash/tv/internet etc. 

I only have a slightly larger income, we both make decent money. I work in sales. He has many connections in my field and could really help me/us by simply making some phone calls and beating the bushes, he says he has done these things but in over a year nothing has ever come of it. 

When I attempt to speak calmly about these matters he stares blankly at me and says nothing. I don't know how to react to this. The man is almost 40 years old. 

I have a very specific lifelong goal I am trying to achieve this year, and it will require me to save some money. I have begged him for help, either to pitch in financially or send business our way through his connections. I get blanket statements such as "You know I will do anything to help you". So far anything = nothing. I feel as if my goal is unimportant. 

HELP. How do you make a man want to chip in and provide a little for his wife? Is that even possible? Should I just call a spade a spade?


----------



## PBear

How long did you date before you married him? Where did he live before? Does he have a job? Didn't you talk about finances before getting married/living together? Why do you let him get away without saying anything in response? Is that how he normally responds when he doesn't want to answer a question? Is this his first marriage?

So many questions... 

C


----------



## In_The_Wind

Why are you the only one paying the bills ??? I would set an immediate boundary like 50/50 on bills thats fair.


----------



## unbelievable

He was 39 and basically had nothing when you married him? Where did you get the idea that he'd be a motivated provider for his wife? It sounds as though he'd be more than happy to sponge off you for the rest of his days if you allowed it. I would suggest splitting bills and handing him a stack which would be appropriate for his income. You wouldn't have to ask or beg or be frustrated. Those would be "his" and he would be responsible for them. 
I'm of the opinion that a 40 year old man is what he's going to be and neither you nor anyone else has the power to seriously change his character. You might beat some minor behavioral performance out of him but his character was formed before he was 8. Apparently the value you hold dear (that a good man supports his wife) isn't one he shares. Not a fan of divorce but a lazy man or a selfish man is about as useless as mammaries on a boar. I believe I'd make it painfully easy for him to contribute his fair share but I'd become determined to dump him like a bad habit if he wouldn't.


----------



## threedogs

Yes, PBear, we talked about finances, obviously. We decided to leave the home in my name, I would continue to pay the mortgage on it every month, and in return he would pay some smaller bills (electric, tv, what have you) and start hustling a little for my business to offset the cost of the mortgage.

This is both of our first marriage. Not sure how I am supposed to keep him from "getting away" with saying nothing? Take away his toys? He's a grown man. It's confusing. 

Now that I think back on it, it sounds stupid, I should have demanded 50/50 from the get go. We have dated for several years.

I blame myself for allowing this to happen, now how do I get out of it?


----------



## threedogs

That is a good idea, unbelievable. This month I should keep some of the smaller bills and just hand them to him. If they don't get paid, I suppose I have my answer. You are also right, it does hurt me that he does not seem to value my goals.


----------



## PBear

threedogs said:


> Yes, PBear, we talked about finances, obviously. We decided to leave the home in my name, I would continue to pay the mortgage on it every month, and in return he would pay some smaller bills (electric, tv, what have you) and start hustling a little for my business to offset the cost of the mortgage.
> 
> This is both of our first marriage. Not sure how I am supposed to keep him from "getting away" with saying nothing? Take away his toys? He's a grown man. It's confusing.
> 
> Now that I think back on it, it sounds stupid, I should have demanded 50/50 from the get go. We have dated for several years.
> 
> I blame myself for allowing this to happen, now how do I get out of it?


How do you get out of it? You list what your needs are, and say that he has to start checking off that list. If not, he's free to move out. If he doesn't, you start divorce proceedings and having him kicked out of the house, if you have to.

Is this how he dealt with uncomfortable discussions prior to getting married?

C


----------



## COGypsy

Since he doesn't care to pitch in, then I would say that it's perfectly reasonable to give up some things to save for your goal. Things like cable, data plans on his cell phone, turn the heat down all the way.... I mean he's the one whose willing to do anything to support you, right??


----------



## threedogs

I like your style, CoGypsy! From now on it's liver and onions 


I feel like there is a bigger issue weighing on my mind, if this is such a hassle now, what happens when (if) there are kids involved? I can support us, but children on my income alone is out of the question.

Are these just bumps in the road and lessons we learn along the way in our marriage? Or something more?


----------



## tennisstar

Don't let this continue. He either starts paying part of the bills or you tell him you're divorcing. It will get way worse with children. Put your foot down immediately. And make sure he continues paying. Hold off on kids until he's proved he can and will contribute.

I've been here...believe me, not pretty!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## COGypsy

threedogs said:


> I like your style, CoGypsy! From now on it's liver and onions
> 
> 
> I feel like there is a bigger issue weighing on my mind, if this is such a hassle now, what happens when (if) there are kids involved? I can support us, but children on my income alone is out of the question.
> 
> Are these just bumps in the road and lessons we learn along the way in our marriage? Or something more?


My ex was ALWAYS that way. I actually let the cable/internet get disconnected a couple of times to provide consequences for him not paying what he'd agreed to. His idea of bill paying was "if they want money, they'll call" because heaven forbid he write a check or buy a stamp. Even taking over the actual paying of the bills, I still had to nag and nag every month. It chipped away at a lot of trust between us.

I think that figuring out the operations of your household is usually a bump in the road of a new marriage. However, the fact that he won't pay his share OR help make the money to cover the difference seems to be a bigger deal than that.


----------



## Blondilocks

Tell him it's time to put his money where his mouth is and hand him a bill for what he owes for the entire time you've been married. Tell him to write you a check right now. 

If he just stares, tell him you're going to pack his bag and he knows where the door is. Freeloaders are just leeches.


----------



## Omego

Is he frivolous with his spending, or just not very proactive and content with things as they are? Can you suggest that his salary go into a joint account and tell him that you will handle the finances equitably?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sandfly

threedogs said:


> I like your style, CoGypsy! From now on it's liver and onions
> 
> 
> I feel like there is a bigger issue weighing on my mind, if this is such a hassle now, what happens when (if) there are kids involved? I can support us, but children on my income alone is out of the question.
> 
> Are these just bumps in the road and lessons we learn along the way in our marriage? Or something more?


What was in your joint marriage vows - did it include the phrase 'for richer for poorer'?

Or did it say "for work connections and for better than decent money"


----------



## Wiltshireman

OP.

IMHO

You and your husband obviously did not spend enough time having meaningful conversations before you embarked on marriage.

Couples MUST find out about each other’s hopes, dreams, plans, and ambitions to see if they are compatible BEFORE they get into a serious relationship. Look at a prospective partner’s history it can be a guide to their future behavior. If a man has managed to get to his late 30's without accumulating any appraisable wealth then the chances are he will never have any. 

My advice to anyone starting a relationship, Spend more time fumbling with your words and less time fumbling with your partner’s underwear. Lust does not pay the bills or support you in times of need.


----------



## Jellybeans

threedogs said:


> We have lived together in my home since before we were married, he did not own a home. Now that we are married I consider all things, his and mine, now "ours", *but I am still the only one paying on the mortgage/electric/trash/tv/internet etc. *


Why?

Why doesn't he help you with the bills?

Have you never told him he needs to help? 

This situation would not work for me at all. Especially since he has a job.


----------



## Jellybeans

Wiltshireman said:


> *My advice to anyone starting a relationship, Spend more time fumbling with your words and less time fumbling with your partner’s underwear.* Lust does not pay the bills or support you in times of need.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Love this!


----------



## AiMom

I would of been straight forward with him and asked him to help pay the bills.


----------



## RandomDude

threedogs said:


> Hi all.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for just less than a year. I love him dearly and in all aspects but one I consider him a wonderful, loving, caring man.
> 
> I think I married a freeloader.
> 
> We have lived together in my home since before we were married, he did not own a home. Now that we are married I consider all things, his and mine, now "ours", but I am still the only one paying on the mortgage/electric/trash/tv/internet etc.
> 
> I only have a slightly larger income, we both make decent money. I work in sales. He has many connections in my field and could really help me/us by simply making some phone calls and beating the bushes, he says he has done these things but in over a year nothing has ever come of it.
> 
> When I attempt to speak calmly about these matters he stares blankly at me and says nothing. I don't know how to react to this. The man is almost 40 years old.
> 
> I have a very specific lifelong goal I am trying to achieve this year, and it will require me to save some money. I have begged him for help, either to pitch in financially or send business our way through his connections. I get blanket statements such as "You know I will do anything to help you". So far anything = nothing. I feel as if my goal is unimportant.
> 
> HELP. How do you make a man want to chip in and provide a little for his wife? Is that even possible? Should I just call a spade a spade?


At first I was going to ignore this thread, as I despise freeloaders of both genders. But after reading this....

"I only have a slightly larger income, we both make decent money"
Do you even fking understand the term "freeloader"? lol

FFS I was sole provider since marriage, and yes I did consider my wife a "freeloader" at one stage as a SAHM. But it wasn't until divorce that I realised how much she actually contributed to our family environment.


----------



## PBear

RandomDude said:


> At first I was going to ignore this thread, as I despise freeloaders of both genders. But after reading this....
> 
> "I only have a slightly larger income, we both make decent money"
> Do you even fking understand the term "freeloader"? lol
> 
> FFS I was sole provider since marriage, and yes I did consider my wife a "freeloader" at one stage as a SAHM. But it wasn't until divorce that I realised how much she actually contributed to our family environment.


They make the same money, but she's the one paying all the bills. Do YOU understand the term "freeloader"?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude

I read further...

I'll have to apologise, nvm my previous post.


----------



## threedogs

Thanks guys for the input.. have been trying to chip away at this bill paying problem.. to shut me up he gave me 100 bucks towards the electric bill. Thanks? 

I gave him all the account names and passwords to the electric, trash, internet, tv, so nothing is a secret. 

He now says he does not want to pay for a property that his name isn't on which doesn't make sense, we're married now, it's a shared asset. I offered to put his name on the deed, printed out the necessary paperwork and filled it out for him, all he had to do was sign and we'd go get it notarized and file it but that seemed entirely too much work for him and he hasn't said another word about it. 

I feel like I shouldn't have to pester him about helping to pay for our shared expenses. I feel like a nag asking him to pitch in, somehow he makes me feel like I am wrong. 

I feel like giving up.


----------



## threedogs

Oh, and did I mention, it was my birthday this week.. no dinner, flowers, card... I got a happy birthday text and that was it. 

For his birthday, I bought him a car. 

Clearly he is upset with me for trying to sort out this financial roadblock... 

I think I suck at marriage!!!!


----------



## PBear

OP, you never did say how long you dated before you got married. 

And I don't think you suck at marriage. I do strongly question your people picking skills, though...

Had either of you two been in long term relationships before? Have you considered counseling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## threedogs

Dated for 2 years, lived together for 1, I blame myself for continuing to foot all the bills in the beginning and not saying anything or expecting him to pitch in. I made myself into a doormat. Trying to un-do that is hard.


----------



## Omego

Why did you buy him a car? It sounds like you are enabling this kind of behavior....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Omego

Our posts crossed. Yup, there is a lot to undo. Time for an ultimatum perhaps?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blondilocks

Face it, he regards you as his sugar mama - his meal ticket. And for God's sake, tear up the paperwork to put his name on the deed to YOUR house. 

Next, heftybag his crap and throw it and him out the door. Let him find someone else to support his cheap a$$.


----------



## threedogs

What do I say? Pay half the bills or get out? I don't want to come off too abrasive, but I want the situation resolved. He makes me feel very bossy about all this, like I am expecting too much of him. I don't think I am?


----------



## PBear

threedogs said:


> What do I say? Pay half the bills or get out? I don't want to come off too abrasive, but I want the situation resolved. He makes me feel very bossy about all this, like I am expecting too much of him. I don't think I am?


You've tried being subtle. You've tried being nice. So yes, now it's time to put on your *itchy panties and lay down the law. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## adv

threedogs said:


> Oh, and did I mention, it was my birthday this week.. no dinner, flowers, card... I got a happy birthday text and that was it.
> 
> For his birthday, I bought him a car.
> 
> Clearly he is upset with me for trying to sort out this financial roadblock...
> 
> I think I suck at marriage!!!!


I'd probably sell that car you bought him for his birthday if I were in your situation. Let him pay for his own car since he can't seem to do anything else.


----------



## turnera

threedogs said:


> He now says he does not want to pay for a property that his name isn't on


:rofl:

You got scammed.


----------



## turnera

threedogs said:


> Oh, and did I mention, it was my birthday this week.. no dinner, flowers, card... I got a happy birthday text and that was it.
> 
> For his birthday, I bought him a car.


Is the title in your name?

Sell it.


----------



## turnera

threedogs said:


> What do I say? Pay half the bills or get out? I don't want to come off too abrasive, but I want the situation resolved. He makes me feel very bossy about all this, like I am expecting too much of him. I don't think I am?


What you are describing is a Giver. He KNEW you were a Giver, because Users can SENSE a Giver from a mile away. I'm gonna guess that, throughout your 'dating,' you have been paying the bulk of all expenses? 

IMO, the most important thing you can do is start going to regular therapy to learn to value yourself and stop being a Giver. Once you love yourself and don't NEED someone else 'thinking highly' of you, you will have no trouble kicking his sorry ass out, and being sorry you waited so long.

But, there is always the possibility that, once you DO learn to stand up for yourself and stop propping HIM up, he'll learn to stand on his own two feet and pursue you. The right way.

But it'll never happen as things are now.


----------



## Jellybeans

threedogs said:


> Oh, and did I mention, it was my birthday this week.. *no dinner, flowers, card... I got a happy birthday text and that was it. *
> 
> *For his birthday, I bought him a car.
> *


WTF? Are you Jennifer Lopez?

This would never work for me. I would be so turned off by a man who behaves as your husband does.

He doesn't want to pay on property that doesn't have his name on it but he has no problem living there and getting all the sex he needs right?

WTF?


----------



## turnera

Jellybeans said:


> WTF? Are you Jennifer Lopez?
> 
> This would never work for me. I would be so turned off by a man who behaves as your husband does.
> 
> He doesn't want to pay on property that doesn't have his name on it but he has no problem living there and getting all the sex he needs right?
> 
> WTF?


Don't forget the free car.


----------



## PBear

I get a chuckle out of this thread title each time it pops up. You THINK you married a freeloader? Geez, look up "freeloader" in Wikipedia, and it just links to this guy's Facebook page!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Right?! Haha. :rofl:


----------



## DTO

threedogs said:


> Yes, PBear, we talked about finances, obviously. We decided to leave the home in my name, I would continue to pay the mortgage on it every month, and in return he would pay some smaller bills (electric, tv, what have you) and start hustling a little for my business to offset the cost of the mortgage.
> 
> This is both of our first marriage. Not sure how I am supposed to keep him from "getting away" with saying nothing? Take away his toys? He's a grown man. It's confusing.
> 
> Now that I think back on it, it sounds stupid, I should have demanded 50/50 from the get go. We have dated for several years.
> 
> I blame myself for allowing this to happen, now how do I get out of it?


Leeches are an issue for me. Life is expensive. My family values are everyone pitches in and nobody lives for free. Men and women both need to pitch in (substantially) somehow, and even kids have chores. That a grown man is content to sit around and not even try to add value or better himself is bizarre.

So, the house is in your name? As in, you had it before you married? That's a blessing - far better than if it was an asset acquired during marriage (i.e. in both your names), since you'd be paying 100% of cost anyways.

You absolutely need to lay down the law. He needs to help out (or at least be trying to improve his skills if he isn't qualified to do anything substantial) or you need to kick him out.


----------



## Blondilocks

The husband has a job and earns about the same as his wife. He just thinks he should be subsidized. Would like to see the size of his bank account since he hasn't been paying any rent or utilities since he moved in with her.


----------



## turnera

Probably spending it on his mistress.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

OP:

Your marriage is SUPPOSED to be a PARTNERSHIP. If it's NOT, then it's a parent/child relationship...guess which one YOU are?!?

If your H does NOT support your 2014 goal which you alluded to in your earlier post, then it's time to reassess your goal, or cut him loose.

If your H DOES support your 2014 goal, then let him PROVE it. Sit down and make a DETAILED monthly budget. Sit down with him and go over it; get his input on things that you can whittle down (meals out? cable tv? etc). After you two have agreed on a monthly figure (remember to include insurance, haircuts, clothes, lunches, etc), divide it in half! That is how much EACH of you MUST contribute every month.

Tell him that for YOU, this is a deal-breaker (if, indeed, it is). If he won't sit with you, won't discuss it, won't pay his half, then you're ALWAYS going to be his "Mommy", not his wife. DON'T HAVE KIDS WITH HIM!

If having an independent, contributing, mature partner is IMPORTANT to you, then demand that this happen or move on to find someone who CAN meet YOUR needs to have an adult partner, not an overgrown teen.


----------



## TiredFamilyGuy

I feel I should offer support, but first something nags at me, I have a doubt this is the entire story. 

You work in sales, not a profession known for selfless giving. You want your husband to make sales calls for you: now I would be exquisitely uncomfortable about exploiting my professional contacts for gain: maybe he feels the same way. Have you asked him if the idea makes him feel uncomfortable? Salespeople can sometimes see all of life through that lens : "beating the bushes" may be normal to you, not to him. 

You say you both agreed the entire arrangement - but he just isn't doing his side. Well, that's extremely clear. Or ...Is it that you wanted to keep the house in your name and he was truly OK with that and with paying bills too...or was that your idea and he caved? Assuming that he did really agree:.How much of the bills was it agree that he pay? How much *should* he pay? Seeing as you keep the house, is it half, a third, a quarter, what? Does he buy groceries and think that is doing his part? It seems a bit undefined: "Some of the smaller bills" is much woolier than "x hundred dollars" or "a third of non-mortgage expenses". So no way to avoid it, have that discussion now and frame things in those terms. 

I wouldn't be surprised if something completely not about money emerges: about control (yours or his), about passive aggression or insecurity, maybe on both sides.

Is there anything else - perhaps not financial - where you are getting your way but he is not? Not all fairness is to do with money. What is this mysterious life goal you want to achieve ? The situation as you describe it is unfair to you and does not need this as an excuse or reason to act: but I am curious as to why you allude to it without saying what it is. 

On the assumption you are completely on the level here, I would just say - communicate and don't let it slide. FYI I have always earned much more than my spouse, but instantly pooled my greater assets with hers when we married: I see that as the best way. Then again, I ran into different problems with her later but quibbling over bills isn't one of them. 

Good luck, keep your cool and be scrupulously fair: it should be that you both get what you want, but neither has advantage or evades cost.


----------



## Bobby5000

"You've tried being subtle. You've tried being nice." She tells him 10 times a week what she wants. 

I would try speaking nicely to him. He apparently makes some money so freeloader is somewhat inaccurate. 

When women talk in that nasty sarcastic voice, you almost automatically turn them off. It takes a lot of will power to realize the message may make sense even though you don't like the way it's given. 

How do you get women to use the nice, pleasant feminine voice they use at parties and work, instead, of the annoying sarcastic tough voice husbands get.


----------



## temperance

threedog, if you don't do anything now, you will not have children because you already know it is going to be tough without a responsible husband. I am in a similar situation, except it has been over 10 years. Remember we woman has a limited biological clock. 

Life events can change, now you have the finance to support but doesn't meet it will always be that way. 

Eventually you will feel like he is a child and you are the mother. You will lost respect for him and with man's big ego he will feel disrespect by you. Sex and attraction diminish and resentment build up over time, in my case years. 

Try to resolve any of these issues with him, but give you a time limit so you won't end up like me wasted a decade of life and still stuck in the situation. People don't change much, at the end of the day, you can't change anyone, you can only change yourself.


----------



## Kylie84

threedog- I can speak from experience as a child from a family where my mother has worked her a$$ off for 30 years and my father has worked virtually 0 DAYS in the last 30 years...
Which would be ok if he did some housework or looked after us as kids but neither ever happened.
As a result of not really working (he did the odd job for cash occasionally which he never handed over to mum) he never had any money to contribute to ANY of the bills including any money towards our schooling, food ANYTHING.
Of course mum would mention her displeasure with this behavior by nature of screaming and yelling abuse which obviously got her nowhere as she is STILL doing it. It worries me because her work is in a field where she needs to remain fit and healthy but she now has lots of bad health issues some of which are a result of heavy drinking which she does as that's her answer to her unhappiness.
I lived every day of my first 18 years of my life hearing how unhappy they both were, and now over 10 years after that am still hearing it. At least I don't have to live with it anymore. 
IMO she has enabled his laziness and disrespect because she continues to pay for everything and scream at him for it, but offers up no ultimatums to show she is serious with her threats.
This whole situation still upsets me and makes my blood boil.
I wouldn't want any other person being in my mothers situation or what was my situation.
DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN.
You cannot avoid being direct with him on his avoiding being fair ESPECIALLY when he is working too. No excuse for this at all.
Please don't look back at this in 30 years and regret your life

I have a question too actually- if you are paying for virtually everything, where is HIS money going? Is he saving it? For what?


----------



## JASON58

I think if he was really a free-loader he would not have a job and certainly would jump at the chance to get his name on the house and property...
he just seems like a guy that wants to earn an income and keep his money..
You are too good to him, and you should tell him to leave, even if he starts paying a bit, he will have resentment towards you.
You really shouldnt have to plead and beg for him to help out, this is just common sense, and he has none.


----------



## chillymorn

I think your right. you married a freeloader.

go see a lawyer.


----------



## threedogs

Wow been a while since I've posted on this thread... Things have gotten slightly better but still not really fair and equal...

Husband had a conniption one day saying he wouldn't pay a dime unless his name was on the deed... Okay fine. I put his name on the deed. It may have been a poor move on my part but I really do want our marriage to work. 

Now he pays EXACTLY half of the mortgage, like down to the penny, but does not chip in for electric/trash/tv/internet. We've been doing alternating grocery purchases but 3 times out of 5 he "forgets" his wallet and I end up paying. 

He has also begun to pay for the car that I bought for him to use, he did have it serviced and just replaced the brakes, so that's good. 

So, things are slooowly moving in the right direction, but I feel like it shouldn't be this hard for a grown man to at least carry his own weight financially. 

On the child/family front, I have expressed to him numerous times that I am nervous about our financial stability and I would really like us to build up a nest egg. I get one of two responses, A. Blank stare into space with no communication at all or B. The age old "I'll take care of you honey. Trust me" with no plan or outline or idea whatsoever 

We've also been going to counseling, which I don't think is helpful considering the fact he has not done any of the activities or exercises the therapist has asked us to do, basically going there just makes me realize how pointless my marriage is and what a huge mistake I have made. 

However, I made a vow, I want to try and stick it out and try to turn this 40 year old man child into someone I can love and live happily with. I think he's a good guy who has managed to escape all forms of financial responsibility and planning until this point in his life. I just don't think he knows how to live like an adult, which is shocking and terrifying. I think he is trying, he might be as slow as a desert tortoise, and as dense as a block of iron, but I think the intention is there 

Should I keep going with this? Set a deadline? I fear that 5 years from now we will be in exactly the same spot, and that terrifies me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kylie84

threedogs said:


> Wow been a while since I've posted on this thread... Things have gotten slightly better but still not really fair and equal...
> 
> Husband had a conniption one day saying he wouldn't pay a dime unless his name was on the deed... Okay fine. I put his name on the deed. It may have been a poor move on my part but I really do want our marriage to work.
> 
> Now he pays EXACTLY half of the mortgage, like down to the penny, but does not chip in for electric/trash/tv/internet. We've been doing alternating grocery purchases but 3 times out of 5 he "forgets" his wallet and I end up paying.
> 
> He has also begun to pay for the car that I bought for him to use, he did have it serviced and just replaced the brakes, so that's good.
> 
> So, things are slooowly moving in the right direction, but I feel like it shouldn't be this hard for a grown man to at least carry his own weight financially.
> 
> On the child/family front, I have expressed to him numerous times that I am nervous about our financial stability and I would really like us to build up a nest egg. I get one of two responses, A. Blank stare into space with no communication at all or B. The age old "I'll take care of you honey. Trust me" with no plan or outline or idea whatsoever
> 
> We've also been going to counseling, which I don't think is helpful considering the fact he has not done any of the activities or exercises the therapist has asked us to do, basically going there just makes me realize how pointless my marriage is and what a huge mistake I have made.
> 
> However, I made a vow, I want to try and stick it out and try to turn this 40 year old man child into someone I can love and live happily with. I think he's a good guy who has managed to escape all forms of financial responsibility and planning until this point in his life. I just don't think he knows how to live like an adult, which is shocking and terrifying. I think he is trying, he might be as slow as a desert tortoise, and as dense as a block of iron, but I think the intention is there
> 
> Should I keep going with this? Set a deadline? I fear that 5 years from now we will be in exactly the same spot, and that terrifies me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good luck.


----------



## PBear

My answer hasn't changed.

Where does his money go? Do you guys have any idea of each other's financial status? And what possible rationalization did he come up with for not paying half the other bills?

As far as grocery shopping, I'd either ask him to see his wallet before leaving the house, or hand him the grocery bill when you get home and wait patiently (in his face) till he pays you. You could also start passively-aggressively forgetting your purse, too. 

Quite frankly, you guys are still a mess. 

C


----------



## turnera

threedogs said:


> try to turn this 40 year old man child into someone I can love and live happily with


:banghead:

What's the #1 biggest mistake made in marriages, threedogs?

I'll tell you.

It's women who marry men that they want to change.

Why is it a mistake?

Because it doesn't WORK.



> I fear that 5 years from now we will be in exactly the same spot, and that terrifies me.


No, five years from now he will divorce you and take the house from you because you put him on the deed and he's been paying exactly 1/2 of the mortgage.


----------



## Jellybeans

threedogs said:


> We have lived together in my home since before we were married, he did not own a home. Now that we are married I consider all things, his and mine, now "ours", but *I am still the only one paying on the mortgage/electric/trash/tv/internet etc. *
> 
> I only have a slightly larger income, *we both make decent money*.
> 
> When I attempt to speak calmly about these matters he stares blankly at me and says nothing. I don't know how to react to this. *The man is almost 40 years old. *
> 
> I get blanket statements such as "You know I will do anything to help you". So far anything = nothing. I feel as if my goal is unimportant.
> 
> HELP. *How do you make a man* want to chip in and provide a little for his wife? Is that even possible? Should I just call a spade a spade?


I am assuming you are not 18. So you should know by now, that you can't "make" anyone do anything.

Yes, he is a freeloader. Who has a job and doesn't put a single dime toward your home. A 40 year old man.

And you married him knowing he was like this.


----------



## Jellybeans

turnera said:


> :banghead:
> 
> What's the #1 biggest mistake made in marriages, threedogs?
> 
> I'll tell you.
> 
> It's women who marry men that they want to change.


----------



## Jellybeans

Once again, I am reading threads backwards which makes me have to come back and read the most recent thing.



threedogs said:


> Wow been a while since I've posted on this thread... Things have gotten slightly better but still not really fair and equal...
> 
> Husband had a conniption one day saying he wouldn't pay a dime unless his name was on the deed... Okay fine.* I put his name on the deed.* *It may have been a poor move on my part *but I really do want our marriage to work.
> 
> Now *he pays EXACTLY half of the mortgage, like down to the penny, but does not chip in for electric/trash/tv/internet.* We've been doing alternating grocery purchases but 3 times out of 5 *he "forgets" his wallet *and I end up paying.
> 
> He *has also begun to pay for the car that I bought for him *to use, he did have it serviced and just replaced the brakes, so that's good.




You put him on the DEED? 

He said he wasn't paying because he wasn't on it? Yet he lives there and doesn't even put in from GROCERIES/tv/internet?

Oh. 

I hate to sound like my mom (no, I don't, she's a wise woman) but, you knew what he was when you married him. 

I seriously can't even.........


----------



## BURNT KEP

Great that he is paying half the mortgage but what about the things on your other thread? Did that ever get resolved? There seems to be way too many issues in this marriage and now he's on the deed of YOUR house. Good luck with that.


----------



## Jellybeans

This was in your other thead:



threedogs said:


> HAHA!!
> 
> 
> This is so good it needs its' own thread!
> 
> Found my husband's secret stash of nudie pics from his ex.. I suspected they were having an affair but now I have the proof.. he says the truth is he was keeping them for blackmail because she owes him $$!! I must have moron tattooed on my forehead!!
> 
> What outrageous lies have your cheating spouses come up with to justify or cover up their actions?
> 
> Unbelievable!!


----------



## BURNT KEP

Jellybeans said:


> This was in your other thead:


I would have been gone myself with both of these things going on. I think someone needs to grow up and put his big boy pants on.


----------



## tennisstar

He's a loser. And you aren't being smart. You aren't going to change him. I've been there, done that. Ended up broke!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam

threedogs...

Why, oh WHY, did you PUT HIS NAME ON THE DEED?

Up to this point, you have paid for the ENTIRE house. Now, suddenly he owns half. *ugh*

I would insist he take his name back off the deed.


----------



## Deep Down

OK threedogs, too late now on the house deed, same as me.

On a practical front - We have an account that all our bills come out of, automatically. We know how much needs to go into it each pay, and we each pay half. Then it's done and noone needs to do anything. It takes a bit of work but worth doing to get it set up.

Sounds also like you need to keep your money separate and where he can't get to it. 

My DH is useless with money, but now determined to improve once he realised how important it was to me. I expect mistakes ahead for us, but atm its going ok. 

You have bigger issues I think. The excuse for his nudie shots of his ex is incredible. Can I suggest you make it obvious how important all this is for you? 

You can't change him, all you can do is explain what you think and feel about the situation, and what you want. If he chooses not to come along, ditch him early before you lose too much of your house.


----------



## Openminded

I think you got the title of your thread right when you first posted. Putting him on the deed? You will live to regret that one. Forgetting his wallet? Don't walk out of the house unless he shows you he has it and cash or his debit card with him.


----------



## EleGirl

How much equity did you have in the house before you put his name on it?

Your husband is still a freeloader. He does this because he knows that he can get away with it.


----------



## Kylie84

When did she find out he is cheating on her? Feels like we are getting less than half the story here


----------



## Jellybeans

happy as a clam said:


> Why, oh WHY, did you PUT HIS NAME ON THE DEED?
> 
> Up to this point, you have paid for the ENTIRE house. Now, suddenly he owns half. *ugh*


:iagree:


----------



## Jasel

threedogs said:


> However, I made a vow, I want to try and stick it out and try to turn this 40 year old man child into someone I can love and live happily with. I think he's a good guy who has managed to escape all forms of financial responsibility and planning until this point in his life. I just don't think he knows how to live like an adult, which is shocking and terrifying. I think he is trying, he might be as slow as a desert tortoise, and as dense as a block of iron, but I think the intention is there


No offense but I see this so many times in failed relationships. Where people think they can "change" their significant other if only they try hard enough and stick it out. Although you see it more with people in their late teens and 20s than late 30s and early 40s. It rarely works. When people tell you who they are, believe them. When people SHOW you who they are, you DEFINITELY believe them. Your husband is showing you exactly who he is. The good AND the bad. It just doesn't sound like you're able to accept it. If he's still behaving like this at the his age he's most likely not going to change. And I have to agree with the other posters that putting him on the deed was a huge mistake.


----------

