# It may be over ...



## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

Hi everyone ... I posted this same thing in the Sex in Marriage forum but only got one response. I was hoping maybe if I posted here instead, which is probably where it fits more now that I think about it, I'd get a few more responses.

I posted a while back about my virtually sexless 28 year marriage and lack of communication with my H. We've been doing MC since March and I've been in IC for a year now. My H and I are both 50 years old.

Up until now, we've had sex about 4 - 5 times per year throughout our marriage ... not due to me but to HIM. I've spoken to him many times thru the years about this but nothing ever changed ... not one little bit. I've become increasingly unhappy and for the past year things have not been very good between us at all. In March I wrote him a detailed letter explaining my feelings and thoughts about our situation, asking him for help to make things better. We started MC that month.

We have not had sex since that time ... March. I've become so resentful at what we've missed out on in our marriage that I pretty much said no more. I think he was relieved and never tried to initiate .. not that he ever did anyway. We've had sex about 4 times total since last summer.

He's been on Zoloft for a year now and says he feels much better about life. But now I'm left with the baggage and am really struggling to regain any kind of feelings for him. We've been roommates for so long that I lost those romantic feelings for him long ago. He's a good man ... has been a good provider (we BOTH work good jobs) and a good dad. But I've never really felt like I had a HUSBAND. 

Two weeks ago, we were visiting his family out of state. We'd had a pretty good day ... visited a museum and botanical garden, had a nice lunch. After going back to our B & B that evening, he started to initiate sex. Keep in mind he'd also drunk (drank??) a 6 pack of beer before this. I tried to respond .. I really did ... but I'm just dead inside. It felt like a stranger was touching me. I didn't actually say no .. I never have .. but I wasn't responsive either. After a couple of minutes he said .. no? I just looked at him sadly and he left to go back to his family farm. I wasn't sure he'd come back to our room that nite but he did.

The next morning I asked to talk about it. He said ... if we can't make love after having a great day together and being in this beautiful room, then we never will. I asked what that meant to him and he said ... a totally platonic relationship. I said .. thats exactly what we've HAD.

We talked again a few days later ... he said if we can't move on from this and move past it that we should get divorced. He doesn't want to live the rest of his life without occasional sex. I asked him why now? He said that with the Zoloft he doesn't have the baggage anymore ... then said he could apologize 100 times but if I can't get past the resentment then we'll never be able to move forward. I said I didnt know if I would ever be able to be with him like that again. That part of me is dead ... I don't even think of myself as a sexual being anymore. It's been too long and it's just too awkward. Part of the issue too is that if i ever DO get those feelings back I don't want OCCASIONAL sex, which is what he said he wanted. That was the problem in the first place. It's painful for me that way and just too awkward. It feels like we have to learn each other all over again every single time when we only have sex once every 2 or 3 months.

We had our first MC session yesterday in a month and basically we just repeated the same things. The counselor said I may not be able to move past it ... and that would be a loss for both of us. I said we've lost too much till now. She also said I may eventually be able to resurrect those feelings again. 

My H works the night shift and has for most of our marriage. He's only off on weekends every 6 weeks so most nights I sleep alone. I now have come to dread the nights he's off because I don't want to have to refuse him again but there's no way I can ever have sex again. 

So ... we either have a platonic relationship or go our separate ways. I've tried to get back my feelings but they're gone. He deserves someone that wants sex once in awhile ... but that's not me anymore. 

I guess I don't really have a question ... other than wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and managed to come back from it. When you feel dead inside ... is it possible to come to life again?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No probably not. The other person is immovable. They won't move one inch from what they want. The person who says 'no' always has the upper hand it seems because there's never an incentive for them to change. The like what they are and see any change from that as some kind of implied violence against them which they will forever hold against you, assuming they consent at all.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

Thanks Runs ... and I agree. Problem is NOW, since he's on Zoloft he thinks everything should just be fine again ... HE feels better so what's MY problem? 

So now I've become the with-holder of sex ... not out of some nasty kind of retribution but simply because I canNOT have sex with someone I don't have those feelings for. H was my first and only ... I've never been with anyone else. 

I just don't know where we go from here ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well it's like the old joke. The doctor gives a man Prozac and Cialis, the ironic thing is if either one works he can throw away the other. In my mind it looks like his doctor hasn't successfully treated him. It's like sawing off your hand to 'cure' lefthandedness.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

I've wondered about that too. He's been on it for over a year now and says he has no plans to go off of it. I didn't think anti-depressants were meant to be used for life ... the doc just keeps renewing his prescription.

Ironically, when I came back in July after being gone for a week, I went to the doc myself for a script for Zoloft. She gave me 4 weeks worth at 25 mg ... the lowest dose. I have yet to take one. I just can't put it in my mouth. I don't want to feel "better" that way.


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