# Need help with EA, "space"



## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

This place is a real eye opener, wish I would have found it sooner, or realized I needed to. Hoping to get some perspective on my situation, as I’m really struggling to understand it. 

After 12 years together I was somewhat blindsided with “I think we need space” speech. 

We’ve had issues with communication, emotion, I realized it but apparently too late. 

The last six months or so she’s been increasingly involved in Facebook, and that has widened the divide between us. I could tell she was getting there what I wasn’t giving her but I just couldn’t figure out how to get past that, and reconnect. She was mad at me for not trying and I was mad that she was more interested in playing online.

This is what I know now. The day before we need space, she moved her EA from Facebook to phone conversation, just prior to that everything was normal so I think that conversation was the catalyst. This is an old acquaintance from high school, guy is 1,000 miles away but I’m sure they’ll get together.

Space wasn’t defined but I moved out, she said she didn’t want me to take all my things and I should just go do something for myself that weekend and give her time to think. Since then, about a week and a half, she’s on the phone two hours a day with him and our space has seemed to become a total break up, blames me for everything under the sun and now she just want’s to be friends 

I’m not on Facebook but mutual friends have told me he was “in a relationship” the exact moment she changed to single. Right now she’s cake eating ,doing several unnecessary things to keep me in the picture to some extent. The confusing part is it now sounds like total break but many of her actions don’t match her words, and I just don’t understand how you can go from I love you to we’re through in a few days. 

She denies it and says she doesn’t want to be with anyone right now and doesn’t know that I know about the EA, I’m not sure what I think may happen but can’t decide if I should tell her that I know, even know who it is.

I know it’s pathetic but I feel like I’m being set up to be the back up plan and maybe that means there’s still a chance, I don’t think she’ll drop the guy but I’m wondering if it's better to just do it her way and see how it plays out or if telling her what I know and going NC would help or hurt any chance of future reconciliation?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

is OM married?

if he is tell his wife


next move back into the house, if she wants to have space to cheat then she can move her ass out

next get a lawyer and file for D

the best way to stop cake eating is to show her that you will not be a part of it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would move back home because you lose a lot of legal ground if you leave the marital home.

Then I'd serve her with divorce papers, yes, right there at your home. It's clear she is involved with another man.

YOu said you feel like a back up plan--that's because you are. She does not have your best intentionso at all. You know that. 

Have her served. Hard consequences.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> is OM married?
> 
> if he is tell his wife
> 
> ...


Haha. I am laughing over here cause our advice was nearly the same. Great minds.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

tidal1 said:


> I know it’s pathetic but I feel like I’m being set up to be the back up plan


You are being set up to be plan B, and you will be as long as you'll accept it. 



tidal1 said:


> and maybe that means there’s still a chance,


Maybe, but only if you put your foot down, stop playing nice guy and bust the affair.



tidal1 said:


> I don’t think she’ll drop the guy but I’m wondering if it's better to just do it her way and see how it plays out or if telling her what I know and going NC would help or hurt any chance of future reconciliation?


NO NO NO!!! Listen - I had a two month EA with an old HS flame who found me on facebook - she's on a rocket ship to disaster and denial is the copilot. She has to go no contact - HAS TO!! She's going to fight you tooth and nail - call you a son of a b!tch, tell you she hates you, that you're controlling, that she doesn't love you, and everything else she can think of to hurt you and get you to ease off and let her go back to affair fantasy land. That will be her only objective - to find a way back to the affair - and you as the obstacle will the focal point of her scorn. 

She's addicted - as surely as if she was doing meth in the back yard - she's addicted. Treat her like someone you're trying to get clean. Don't act weak, nervous, scared, hurt, needy or unsure. Tell her, if you do A, B and C then D, E and F are going to happen - and then make sure D, E, and F happen. Don't spend any time right now trying to decide if there is a chance, or if you want to take her back or if you can forgive her or anything else - there is nothing to discuss until you bust the affair - nothing. 

Do some reading here - there's lots of great advice and people who want to help. 

Oh - and time is of the essence for you. I hadn't heard from my AP (affair partner) in 22 years the day I received her friend request - we went from "Hi" to "I love you" in 10 days. This sh!t moves at light speed man - don't delay - every day she's in she's that much deeper.


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> is OM married?
> 
> if he is tell his wife
> 
> ...


He's not married so guess she just wanted to clear the way for a new relationship and keep me hanging just in case. 

Should have mentioned but we're not married, engaged for years though. Always led me to believe it wasn't a priority.

Do have a very expensive ring though, I don't want it back yet but curious as to why she hasn't offered and just couple days ago talks about how much she likes "her ring" 

We hung out at weekend, it was crazy, almost like normal until she gets her fix from the OM


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude your chick is cheating on you and you leave...WTF! go back home ask her to leave and she can come back when the OM is out of the picture. Geez!!!!!!!!!

Let me guess its your dime that pays for the internet? Nice your paying for her EA.

So I imagine soon the OM will be sitting in your lazyboy and eating your food that you pay for?

Go back home and confront your wife and start making this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible. Your WW needs to face the consequences for her actions and the reality of this BS.

Man up brother and stop being a doormat. You know damb well shes cake eating and you let her. You need to get her pissed off big time. Until you start pushing her away she won't see what she is about to lose. Respect is commanded.

Crush this fantasy and crush it know before OM has her on her knees and starts breding her.

1st order of business is expose this affiar to the OM GF or wife, and don't tell your wife, she 'll find out soon enough.

2nd order of business is move back home.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Just went thru this myself. Do NOT give her what she wants. Move back into your house and file for divorce. Anything else will just prolong the situation and lead to a PA. Believe me I know!!! Do NOT play Mr.Nice Guy. You need to man up now before it's too late.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Move back. I need space, omg. My wife used that line on me three times that she cheated on me. late 1999 to 2000 - online sex with four guys around the world. 2010 - EA online sexual stuff. 2011- EA/PA. Move back. I need space is I need to work on my new relationship and fantasy and you are interferring. 

Get firm - break off FB, no contact with OM.

Expose it to everyone. This is the quickest way to end the fantasy.

And don't tell your cheating wife what you are going to do.

Don't beg or plead with her.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> He's not married so guess she just wanted to clear the way for a new relationship and keep me hanging just in case.
> 
> Should have mentioned but we're not married, engaged for years though. Always led me to believe it wasn't a priority.
> 
> ...


You are seeing the fantasy bubble she's created, "up close and personal." 

Here's the thing--you cannot trust a word out of her mouth right now. She is going to say anything and everything to make sure her fantasy continues. If she is getting some benefits from you, the "old shoe," she will continue to enjoy those as long as you will let her.

As everyone else says, move back in.

If you need more insight into what is going on inside her head, a great book on emotional affairs is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Many (most?) EAs go PA just as soon as they can, especially once I love yous are exchanged.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Who's name is the phone in? Who owns the computer? If you decide to confront her do not leave her alone with her phone. 

You can wait this out and put a keylogger on the computer but if you already know then expose it.


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

Great advice, thanks. 

But I feel like the only thing that would happen if I went back and told her I know is she would probably make it clear it's over and I need to leave. She's in the fog right now.

I guess that's fine, I already tried that but was sucked back in a bit and that actually made me feel angry, but thought some contact better than none at all.

At times I'd like nothing more than to drop his name to her, but that would likely force NC for sure I think, and that's what I'm unsure of. 

Everything is mine so it would definitely force a total and clean break, just thought maybe it's best to not go there yet.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

What have you got otherwise?? You've got a roommate consuming resources you provide, taking advantage of you, and treating you like a fool. What have you got to lose? Your only chance of saving it is to bust the affair - hard and fast. If she tells you it's over - go get her suitcases and tell her to pack - let her go. She's got to get the 2X4 of reality. Hopefully she'll get it before you decide it's over.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

tidal1 said:


> Great advice, thanks.
> 
> But I feel like the only thing that would happen if I went back and told her I know is she would probably make it clear it's over and I need to leave. She's in the fog right now.


Who gives a [email protected]? It's your house too, presumably, right?

GO HOME.

Expose the affair to people you know. She has you by the balls. Are you gonna take it? Or are you gonna stand up for yourself and show her who means business???


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Move back. Seriously. Like others have said, if she wants to continue the EA, she can do it somewhere else. Why should she be allowed to use YOUR resources to cheat? My DH gave me that ultimatum with my EA two years ago. He point blank said that he won't pay for me to cheat on him, period.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And when you do move back, make sure you do it with a quiet confidence.

"Honey, I"m hooooooooooome." LOL. 

No but seriously, go home. Be confident. If she gives you smack, tell her "Wife, I thoguht about it and it just doesn't make sense that I'd leave my home when you are the one who wants a separation and are having actively having an affair while we're married with X (his name). So Daddy's back. If you want to have an affair, that's on you but it personally doesn't work for me. Either we are both committed to our marriage or not. I am all for restoring things and working on things, but not while you are openly cheating while we're married. Choice is yours." 

BE CALM. DO NOT fall into her trying to bait you into arguments. The more confident, calm, cool you are--the most WTF she will feel and that, my dear, will be your trump card.

Trust that.


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> Great advice, thanks.
> 
> But I feel like the only thing that would happen if I went back and told her I know is she would probably make it clear it's over and I need to leave. She's in the fog right now.
> 
> ...


I agree with everyone else here. You HAVE to go back to your house - it's your house! Stop looking at her like the person you fell in love with and look at her for what she is now - a cheater!

If she wants to cheat, then she can go move in with her new boyfriend. 

I think you're being too nice to her. She's playing you 

If you go back and confront her, and she says she's going to leave, then count yourself lucky! That means you dodged a bullet marrying someone that is so selfish that she thinks she can cheat right in front of you and get away with it. I would bet she'd do it again, because she obviously doesn't have any remorse!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I can see from your posts that you're scared to push her away. You are scared of losing her. She is 'only' a girlfriend, and you don't have divorce to hold over her head, after all is said and done.

Here's a tip--that we, ALL of us, can see, and we are puzzled why you cannot: 
she has pushed herself away from YOU. She has pushed YOU right out of your home. _You can't push her any further away!_

You have NOTHING to lose at this point by moving back in. You will not win her back waving at her through the windows of your home. All you are doing is demonstrating to her--proving to her with each passing day--why she made the brilliant move of falling for her EA partner.

Compared to you--and I can say this without ever having met him or you--he is strong, masculine, tough. He can fight fierce dragons, he is saving her from a life of ennui and milquetoast men--like you. Oh, I know, that is a pile of crap. In fact, he probably is a loser--maybe he's unemployed, or he's got a GF right now that he's forgotten to mention, or he owes the IRS $50,000. But she is not preoccupied with getting to know the real him. She's just enjoying every minute of the pretend him inside the fantasy bubble.

Pop the fantasy bubble and you stand a chance of becoming the knight in shining armor who picks up the pieces of the EA gone south. Enable the fantasy bubble (you are doing a terrific A+ job at this so far, BTW!) and you will "push" it up high into the air so that it can float far away into the distance, with her inside it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Until you get rid of your fear of losing her, she knows she can do whatever she wants while you stand idly by.

DON'T BE THAT GUY.


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

Alright guys, it seems so obvious seeing it in writing but let me make sure I'm following here.

A week ago she needed space and I a weekend to myself.

Since then the EA has progressed every night on the phone and she's told me we're wrong together, blames me for things she never has before, and says she and I should just be friends.

That obviously says we're through, however, I know a lot of it is the emotional high she's on and she really didn't get that far away in a few days, and her recent behavior confirms this. 

I've pretty much resigned myself to the idea that it's over and my options are to either go in there and blow it all up and end up with no communication at all

Or let her do what she want's while I do the same and see if anything comes from what little we're left with now. I know it's not much if anything but it's something more than nothing.

Consensus seems to be to tell her what I know, and I want to, I guess I just really am worried that I don't have any real leverage to tell her to stop and I'd be closing the door completely, a door that she's left open however small it may be. 

To me this was a bit contradictory, I need to go back but that would likely result in NC and I could already do that without the showdown and be able to retain something.

I guess what I'm failing to see is it isn't going to get any better by leaving her alone, and I should just confront her because we'd probably stand about as much chance with NC as we do with whatever this is we have now.

The men will understand this part, we've since had ex sex, and I'm not sure why but she actually agreed to have it some more so I'd be lying if I said that doesn't make me put up with a lot of sh** but I'm going to try and take this advice and bring some closure of some kind to this mess.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> Since then the EA has progressed every night on the phone and she's told me we're wrong together, blames me for things she never has before, and says she and I should just be friends.
> 
> That obviously says we're through, however, I know a lot of it is the emotional high she's on and she really didn't get that far away in a few days, and her recent behavior confirms this.


You are dead on, it IS an emotional high.

What you are not getting is, HOW do you get her off this emotional high.

Whether anyone likes it or not, biology plays big role here.

Women are not attracted to wimps. When you caved and moved out, you:

--helped the EA to thrive--you said so yourself!

--gave her a "kick me" sign and told her to tape it to your back

both of these things are convincing her you are a DOORMAT! Doormats are limp, boring, and unattractive, and you use them to wipe your shoes.

What is the antithesis of a doormat? Tell us in your own words--what would a proverbial tough guy have done?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Get your damn ring back! And use the money to buy a set of balls.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

tidal1 said:


> Alright guys, it seems so obvious seeing it in writing but let me make sure I'm following here.
> 
> A week ago she needed space and I a weekend to myself.
> 
> ...


I am sorry you are here. Unfortunately you are not reading the situation correctly. Your girlfriend does not respect you in the slightest. With you out of the home and letting her have her EA (or PA for all you know) you are reinforcing her vision of you as undesirable. THERE IS NO POSITIVE OUTCOME FROM THIS COURSE OF ACTION. 

GET OFF THIS ROAD!

If you really want this woman, move back into your house. Tell her you know. Tell her she either goes no contact or she is out of your house. Don't be nasty, needy or beg. Be positive, happy and be willing to let her find her happiness elsewhere. Two things could happen. 

1) She chooses to stay and you have what you want. (you will have a long haul picking up the pieces, though)

2) She moves out and you end up right where you are now except you have your self respect and she will see you as a man, not a sniveling wimp. Even if she moves out, there is a good chance that the EA will fall apart and she will want to return to the relationship

The course you have chosen is the one that has the least chance of a successful outcome. Please read the "just let them go" thread and "Man up" stuff. You need it! Also, if she leaves, get your ring back. In almost every state that ring is yours until you get married.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

3 things:

1) It's not about controlling her or telling her what she can or can't do. It's about your boundaries and what you are and are not willing to accept from her. If she can't respect your boundaries, then wish her well and end it. Stop allowing the disrespect of her carrying on with OM in your home.

2) The ring is part of the contract of her agreeing to marry you. If she leaves, get the ring back. Don't let her leave with it or you'll end up having to sue her to get the value. And as a rule, it's not good to sue people you've slept with.

3) And lastly, sorry to say, but a bf/gf thing (no matter how serious, is not being married. It's an audition for the real thing. She has failed her audition and got you scrambling to fix this. UGH, MAN the F*** UP. That is your only hope. With her, and in life.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Your getting the only advice that gives you any chance of ever seeing your LT Gf again. 

Move home. Tonight.

Confront her and tell her that if she wants to continue the EA she can go somewhere else to get space.
Stay calm.
if she moves out then she moves out. The thing is that at least you will have your house to sleep in! 

Do you have joint finances? Start the ball rolling on separating them out now. Specially the phone!

This is your ONLY chance of stopping this. Do it. Do it all now. If this goes PA then you might as well forget her. 

We have see enough EA like this to know that you have to act fast.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Let me tell you a little story,
About 15 years a go my W had an A and I blow it off, started to do my own thing and she did hers That A lasted a month and she moved on.....she moved on to 20 other men and had a life style that became more and more dangerous. My W became self distructive with booze and ONS by 2010. 

You are approaching this wrong, blow this crap up now, let her get pissed. Mad is good it means you are doing something right. So stop letting your chick emotionally black mail you and confront her.

Forgeting it and just doing your own things does not work, I can tell you this with the up most certainty.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

tidal1 said:


> Great advice, thanks.
> 
> But I feel like the only thing that would happen if I went back and told her I know is she would probably make it clear it's over and I need to leave. She's in the fog right now.
> 
> ...


Dude, it's already over. She had you move out of your house so you wouldn't get in the way of her cheating. The choice has been made and you lost. Now stop being a doormat waiting for her to stop cheating and take back your life and your future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

tidal1 said:


> Or let her do what she want's while I do the same and see if anything comes from what little we're left with now. I know it's not much if anything but it's something more than nothing.


And this is the worst choice of all of your options.

Know that. 

You talk of "leverage" and not sure what "leverage" you have but you, sir, have a lot of leverage. Instead of letting her play Limbo with you, tell her the game is over. Either she commits to the marriage or you are done. It's quite simple, really.

Stop letting her call all the shots.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Seriously, take the advice you're given here. I wish I had been on this forum when I first discovered my wife's affair. I played nice and tried to show her how much I cared and loved her. She in turn walked all over me. She didn't even begin to feel bad until we legally separated and now she's depressed that I've filed for divorce. Yours will continue to walk all over you until you take a hard stand and show her that her behavior will not be tolerated. Even then it may be too late.

Do what's best for you and make sure that she knows that you're no longer her doormat. She wants to date other people......divorce her.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Just to clarify--tidal correct me if I'm wrong--they are not married, they are engaged.

Fortunately, she REALLY likes the beautiful, expensive ring he gave her, she told him so after he moved out.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Forgot they weren't married. Take the ring back and pack her bags then !!


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

Yeah we've been engaged for 5 yrs, together 12. 
The ring's not really a concern, it's just one of several things I didn't think she would want to hang on to and I know from discussions over the years that she knows to give it back, and I don't quite understand why you wouldn't if things are really at a dead end.

Anyway, I txt her I'm coming back tomorrow, no response, guess I'll find out soon enough.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

is it a house or apartment and whose name is it in?


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> is it a house or apartment and whose name is it in?


That house is in both our names, I have one I came in with only in my name so that's where I went. 

She has other options if she really can't stand it, if nothing else tomorrow should at least be interesting


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Quit being afraid of her. If the house or apt is in both your names she cannot make you leave, and vice versa. Start a hard 180 once you move back in, and I mean a HARD 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Heres the 180 link:

http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> That house is in both our names, I have one I came in with only in my name so that's where I went.
> 
> She has other options if she really can't stand it, if nothing else tomorrow should at least be interesting


You have your own house? 

Stay there while you work out the details of breaking the engagement and disentanglling yourself from her life once and for all.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I didn't see you had your own house. I thought you were out on the street sleeping in a box or something. 

That changes the dynamic then. I would break off clean with her and go dark on her. Stay at your place. Let her pay the house note.... She will have to buy you out if she wants full tenancy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Let her pay the house note.... She will have to buy you out if she wants full tenancy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



File for divorce, try to work it out where they both pull the equity out of the home, if she can afford to carry the note then she gets another mortgage in her name so he's not affected if she defaults, or the court orders the house to be sold, or whatever.

He can't just tell her to pay the whole mortgage because she's a cheater and he is outta there.

He's got to go through the proper procedures.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

donders said:


> File for divorce


He is not married!!!!!


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> He is not married!!!!!


Oh. Never mind then.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Sorry donders! It just keeps coming up in this thread.

Tidal, I'd still move back into the joint house. I don't see any R with you in separate houses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

Well that didn't go so good, yelled at about boundaries, etc. 

Said we would have had a chance until me coming back last night.

She doesn't know this but I did find out she booked a flight to see the guy so I really didn't care that I was prob doing more harm than good in her eyes. 

I told her I knew, knew his name everything and she still denies. 

I've never known her to lie but everything out of her mouth these days is a lie, you would think they would just own up to it.

I'm just going to cut her loose, get my stuff back. She can't afford her own cell phone so maybe he'll get her one. Think I might wait until close to the weekend of the trip before I turn it off though.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> I've never known her to lie but everything out of her mouth these days is a lie, you would think they would just own up to it.


It does not work that way. In order for her to prepare psychologically to have an affair WHILE LIVING AND ENGAGED TO ANOTHER MAN, she has had to start lying to herself, first and foremost. Then she had to hide the worst of it from you, so she had to lie some more. Pretty soon, lying is a way of life for her and she hardly knows where the lies end and the truth starts.


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

She's such a different person over the last several days I honestly can't believe what I'm hearing from her.

Not just the lies but how she thinks about me, now she's making it out to anyone and everyone that I'm some sort of psycho stalker boyfriend that won't leave her alone. 

Really amazing to watch this unfold, at least I can say I know where we stand now for sure.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the ring back, sell it, and take yourself on a nice vacation with a buddy. 

What you are loving through is the affair fog and it won't go away until the affair dies. He constnt tslking to him keeps reinforcing it.

Since it is your cellphone, have him numbers bloked from calling it, and see if you can block the cell calling him.

Why should you finance her cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> Well that didn't go so good, yelled at about boundaries, etc.
> 
> Said we would have had a chance until me coming back last night.
> 
> ...


Did she use her own money to book this flight ?? If not I would have no problems with you cancelling that reservation -- and DO NOT TELL HER. She wants another life with another guy -- let her or her new BF pay for her flight.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You "had a chance until you came back" AND she's booked plane tickets to see him? Can you see what a joke of a statement that is? She's just annoyed because you are preventing her from communicating with him at all hours and at her convenience. She wants to joyfully pack her bags full of cute lingerie, maybe a new outfit or two, etc. but she can't exactly do that while you are in the house.

*ing already asked this: are your finances separate?*

are you funding this escapade in any way, shape, or form? I'd cut that off no matter what your plans are with her for the future.



tidal1 said:


> Not just the lies but how she thinks about me, now she's making it out to anyone and everyone that I'm some sort of psycho stalker boyfriend that won't leave her alone.


I hope you immediately spread the word far and wide to mutual friends and family that she has recontacted a male high school friend, developed a secret long-distance relationship with him, and is now preparing to travel to meet him. Do not let her get away with making it out like "things were bad between you" and then by magic she "just happened" to meet Mr. Wonderful. Cut that off at the pass before she steps one foot out the door.

The truth is, she is not married to you. You may want to puncture her fantasy--I certainly would--but she has been confiding in this man and hiding a huge amount of hopes, fears, and dreams from you. As you can see for yourself, after some time passes, it's like you hardly know her. She has changed and she didn't let you in on it while doing it. Someone else already said this--an engagement is a trial period for marriage and she gets an F.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

tidal, just my opion..since the games over, i would get back that ring, and keep quiet till that plane leaves...then since you previously said that everything in that house you bought, clean the house out,EVERYTHING goes. utilities in your name? shut them off,you said phones in your name--off it goes,bank accts and credit cards same crap,but wait till planes in the air,wish her a happy vacation when she calls you pissed.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

67flh said:


> tidal, just my opion..since the games over, i would get back that ring, and keep quiet till that plane leaves...then since you previously said that everything in that house you bought, clean the house out,EVERYTHING goes. utilities in your name? shut them off,you said phones in your name--off it goes,bank accts and credit cards same crap,but wait till planes in the air,wish her a happy vacation when she calls you pissed.


and fortunately you have another house in your name to move all your stuff into.

You probably will recoil at doing this, because you don't want to "hurt" her. Even though all these things are yours to do with what you will. Get a good mental picture of what she's going to do first thing when she gets off that plane, if you need to harden your resolve.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Tidal, you and your (ex?)fiance are each failing to see something. 

What you're failing to really see is that your only (and not very good) chance to save it is to break it and then see if there are enough pieces to put it back together. 

What your fiance is failing to see is that it's not up to her if there's a chance - she's the one who's got an other man and has broken the relationship between you. 

You both seem to be laboring under the premiss that she's the one in control. She shouldn't be and there is no chance to save this as long as she is.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Tidal, you and your (ex?)fiance are each failing to see something.
> 
> What you're failing to really see is that your only (and not very good) chance to save it is to break it and then see if there are enough pieces to put it back together.
> 
> ...


Let her go -- in your head and your heart. It will be tough --and this is easier said then done -- but it is best you find out now then after you got married -- and/or have kids. Life has a way of closing doors for a reason -- and when one door closes another will open.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

> Well that didn't go so good, yelled at about boundaries, etc.


Excellent Bet the word ""controlling" came up.



> Said we would have had a chance until me coming back last night.


You went home. great. She means by that is that she doesn't want you around to spoil her limitless and continuous communication with the OM



> She doesn't know this but I did find out she booked a flight to see the guy so I really didn't care that I was prob doing more harm than good in her eyes


. 

She booked a flight.. Okay this sounds like she has made her mind up. When she did that she assumed she would be coming home afterwards. Make it clear that it won't be an option if she leaves.




> I told her I knew, knew his name everything and she still denies.
> I've never known her to lie but everything out of her mouth these days is a lie, you would think they would just own up to it.


You know when she is lying. Her lips are moving. She will look you dead in the eye when she does this. Just keep repeating that you know, and there is no point in lying. Do this calmly.

If you have joint finances. Separate them NOW. She will burn through cash faster than you will believe. 

The engagement is off. Get the ring back before she leaves to see her new lover. 

I am so sorry about this. Stay with us. It is going to be rough.




> I'm just going to cut her loose, get my stuff back. She can't afford her own cell phone so maybe he'll get her one. Think I might wait until close to the weekend of the trip before I turn it off though.


She will have to afford her own everything. That is the deal. 
You can not be in a relationship with two people. She seems to think you can at the moment.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

ing said:


> You can not be in a relationship with two people. She seems to think you can at the moment.


You can if one of them is willing to be a doormat. For a while at least.


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

In the end most of you guys were right, I could have hung around a while and played the waiting game but that's no way to live.

Trying to be friends was just prolonging the inevitable, we could have never gotten along while she runs around trying to "find" herself.

I actually stayed calm throughout this and when she finally stopped denying everything she just resorted to firing insults all day via txt. 

She started digging back 10 years for things to complain about, and when she ran out of ideas hit me with the old standby, controlling. I've never heard her say that the entire 12 years, and I've been anything but controlling, unless she means I prevented her from having affairs maybe. 

I told her get her own cell phone, took my ring back, although she doesn't know about that yet, should be fun. It's by no means hope diamond but it was a huge commitment on a ring for me, 25K.

Her mother is going to help her with everything, fitting as she was definitely an obstacle between us. Funny part of that is she thinks she's getting her daughter all to herself again, has no idea she's simply jumping from one relationship to another. 

Feels a lot better, now I can read everyone else's depressing stories.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Good to hear tidal, don't let others treat you as such again.

Start preparing yourself financially for divorce. Distance yourself from her and spend more time on your own/with other friends.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

good job tidal,only thing that could be better is quit telling her you are going to do things,and just do them...have you seperated finances yet?


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

You know this isn't "over" right? Unless you decide that you're done, that is.

Now that you've busted her out of fantasy land, it's gonna be up to OM to fulfill all her needs because she no longer has both of you. Then reality will begin to set in for her. Many exes come crawling back at that point.

Have a plan for that time.

$.02


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Was the ring a gift?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

hang in there brother,
You do understand your chick is going off the same script mine did and many here at TAM.


The blameshifting and "now that you did that" b*llsh*t is exactly what we all hear, I'm having a sence that you were prepared for it hence the calmness in you. Is that correct?


If she goes on that trip tell her you will consider it abandonment and will pack her stuff up and ship it to her mothers or store it. If there is any chance of R that trip will take it all away for you. The sad part is it may give her a dose of reality and want you back when she returns...a case of "that the grass is not always greener".

Now is the time to prepare your self and protect your self finacialy

turn the phone of now
close all joint accounts 
see your doctor for some meds
see a lawyer for your options

If she choose to go on this trip inform here that she will not be welcome back and she will need get her own place and her own utilites, including cell. Finacially you are warning her b/c she will be coming back to nothing.

As tough as these tactics seem, it is a reality she needs to face before the trip, the sooner you start the sooner she will see the consequences for her actions.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

keko said:


> Good to hear tidal, don't let others treat you as such again.
> 
> Start preparing yourself financially for divorce. Distance yourself from her and spend more time on your own/with other friends.


except for the fact that he's still not married!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Was the ring a gift?


It was an engagement ring. They weren't married.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> I actually stayed calm throughout this and when she finally stopped denying everything she just resorted to firing insults all day via txt.
> 
> She started digging back 10 years for things to complain about, and when she ran out of ideas hit me with the old standby, controlling. I've never heard her say that the entire 12 years, and I've been anything but controlling, unless she means I prevented her from having affairs maybe.
> 
> ...


Her insulting you and rewriting the relationship history--typical cheater's script. If she didn't blame you, and she didn't lie to herself to make you out as the bad guy, her brain would crack in two from the strain of this appalling betrayal.

The mom stuff--the $25K ring stuff--the you bought everything stuff and she apparently doesn't make enough money to support herself stuff--this sounds like Entitlement Syndrome (which I just made up). You will see that some cheaters come from a very entitled place--they get everything they want, and typically mummy and daddy introduced them to the concept back when they were in diapers.

Judging from the experiences of others, this attitude toward life, in a cheater, often signals a serial cheater. So maybe her career was just getting started.

I am sorry, I know that you were hoping she would stay with you, her love of 12 years, and not run off for someone she barely knows and then only via a computer screen. Assuming she has not met up with this guy before, don't be too surprised if she shows up on your doorstep again in a few weeks. As baldmale said, better have a plan, because I bet she knows how to twist you around her finger 'real good' when she cares to turn on the charm.


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

Hey, iheartlife, I like the entitlement comment, I've told myself many many times that she has a rather distorted sense of entitlement. 

Did I mention I even sprang for new breasts a week before this?

Finances are easy, she had a credit card of mine, vehicle, and phone. It was almost like having a kid actually. Working on the home but the rest of the household stuff is just wasted money now.

There are 2 kids, hers from before me, 16 &18. I don't mind I guess but she told them without asking that I'd still be there for them, sucked me back in for a moment but still thinking what to do there. I've known them since they were 4&6, hard decision and bio dad not in picture much. 

By the way, I did not meet her during her first marriage nothing to do with me, over before I came along. But the blame game does sound very similar to what I used to hear about her ex H. 

Looks like differing opinions on the ring here, I haven't even discussed that with her now but over the years I've heard her talk about proper etiquette and I've heard her say if the woman breaks it off it goes back.

I guess it can be called a gift though and I'd revisit that if I were in the wrong but I don't think I am.


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

Don't know if you guys have seen this but I ran across this, it could have been written about her, spot on so maybe the author is on to something here. 

Women's relationships today follow
a very predictable pattern:


They push men for commitment

They get what they want

They lose interest in sex

They become attracted to someone else

They start cheating

They become angry and resentful

They begin telling their partners that they need time apart

They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Was the ring a gift?


Engagement ring, which is given not as a gift but is exchanged as a token in a contract.

I recall reading about a really expensive rock that got given and the engagement got called off. Guy took her to court, and the judge ruled that she had to return it since she called off the wedding.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

tidal1 said:


> In the end most of you guys were right, I could have hung around a while and played the waiting game but that's no way to live.
> 
> Trying to be friends was just prolonging the inevitable, we could have never gotten along while she runs around trying to "find" herself.
> 
> ...


This is straight out the book. The controlling thing is about you not allowing her to have the affair. I You have done all the right things for the start of the recovery. Digging back through the years to find bad things is pretty common. In one of the vile, bile spitting justification sessions, she called a discussion my stbxw pulled up something from 27 years ago from before we were together.

In about a week your going to hear sentences like:

"My private life" and be given pitying looks. 
After she has been with the OM a few days she is going to be smug and quite frankly plain evil in her thoughts and actions. 

The woman you knew has gone. Her head is turned.


It may not feel like it now but in some ways you got a lucky escape. 
You do not have kids and you are not married. This means you can do the one thing that those of us who do share kids can't do. You can strike her from your life. This may sound awful but believe me, it is better than having to deal with the zombie formerly know as partner.

Get some meds. 
Do some exercise
Eat healthy.
Go easy on the booze. It is a depressive.
Vent here when you need to. 

I am very glad you got a 25k ring back!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> Hey, iheartlife, I like the entitlement comment, I've told myself many many times that she has a rather distorted sense of entitlement.
> 
> Did I mention I even sprang for new breasts a week before this?
> 
> Finances are easy, she had a credit card of mine, vehicle, and phone. It was almost like having a kid actually. Working on the home but the rest of the household stuff is just wasted money now.


Well, it will be interesting to see if the OM is happy to finance her lifestyle. Or maybe mama will pick up the tab. Either way, not your problem unless you let her return for more.




tidal1 said:


> There are 2 kids, hers from before me, 16 &18. I don't mind I guess but she told them without asking that I'd still be there for them, sucked me back in for a moment but still thinking what to do there. I've known them since they were 4&6, hard decision and bio dad not in picture much.


 That is really, really, really sad. This is probably the most obvious evidence yet of the 'fog' of infatuation that she is in. It is always chilling when a woman abandons her kids like that. 



tidal1 said:


> By the way, I did not meet her during her first marriage nothing to do with me, over before I came along. But the blame game does sound very similar to what I used to hear about her ex H.


It would be interesting to know what broke up the marriage. 



tidal1 said:


> Looks like differing opinions on the ring here, I haven't even discussed that with her now but over the years I've heard her talk about proper etiquette and I've heard her say if the woman breaks it off it goes back.


It is proper etiquette to give the ring back. But whether or not it is considered a gift vs. something she must return if the engagement is broken is a matter of state law. However, it might be the case that since it's an incredibly expensive ring and the two of you specifically discussed that she'd return it in the event you broke up, that you'll have enough evidence to show that it wasn't a gift (which cannot be recovered).


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I suggest once you get your stuff in order that you go completely and totally dark on her. Accept and reply to no contact from her at all.


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Well, it will be interesting to see if the OM is happy to finance her lifestyle. Or maybe mama will pick up the tab. Either way, not your problem unless you let her return for more.
> 
> 
> That is really, really, really sad. This is probably the most obvious evidence yet of the 'fog' of infatuation that she is in. It is always chilling when a woman abandons her kids like that.
> ...


Her ex actually just contacted me, I took the kids out, they told me how they never see her anymore and that she promised more time now that I'm gone, blames me for her ignoring them, but they still see me more than her. 

So he called to talk about the kids but I'm sure he wanted to get into things so we did. Turns out theirs was a very similar situation.

I knew there was cheating on both sides as they were 18 when they married, but she left in an almost identical manner, email affair one thing led to another and they needed a break.

So I guess what they say may be true, once a cheater....

I think everyone should have a look at these type of boards even in the good times, prob avoid having to come back later. 

I was getting few things out of the garage when a flower delivery came today, chocolates & flowers, I just had him leave them right there in the sun all day.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> Her ex actually just contacted me, I took the kids out, they told me how they never see her anymore and that she promised more time now that I'm gone, blames me for her ignoring them, but they still see me more than her.
> 
> So he called to talk about the kids but I'm sure he wanted to get into things so we did. Turns out theirs was a very similar situation.
> 
> ...


I am almost certain that I read another thread on this board some time ago with the exact same situation--the betrayed spouse spoke with the prior ex and discovered that there was cheating in that relationship too. In fact I think I've read it in more than one thread.

What is such a shame is that she clearly sees cheating as a way to exit a relationship rather than fix it. And by fix it, I mean, actually communicate her needs to you so that you can respond. This does not bode well for her future relationships. Some people are very, very broken.

The kid thing is such a tragedy. It is bad enough to hurt a partner--it is the height of selfishness--but to do that to one's own children is really in a separate league. This is someone who is most certainly NOT life partner material. Her fiance is the most stable person in their lives? I mean, how screwed up is that?

On the subject of the boards--the truth is, no one ever thinks infidelity will happen to them. And everyone thinks their situation is special, their partner would never lie, they can tell when their partner is not being honest, etc. So unfortunately while it would be a great idea if people received a short advanced education on infidelity, I think it's one of the hard lessons people have to go through to fully understand.

Hope the flowers are good and brown and the chocolates covered with ants. Hooray for tiny victories.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I like what you did with the choc and flowers. Well played.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Tidal,

I know you are sad but you should rejoice!

Because after 12 years you see the woman she really is.

And my man, you could have been married and had children with her.

Keep your ring. She is cheating on you.
Sell the house. Because she is cheating on you. See an attorney regarding the division of assets.

I am sure you love her kids like they are your own. All you can do is still care about them and decide if they can still be in your life if. That is your call. I am sure the kids are very sad because they now see that their Mom's behavior for what it really is. Cheating not only hurts the loyal partner but the fallout hurts the kids too!!!

That woman has some sense of entitlement. Very selfish!

I am glad you woke up. Sorry you had to pay for the boob job. 
You do know she got them for the other guy. Ask the attorney if she can pay you back!!! LOL!

Good Luck an Let us Know How you Make Out!

HM64


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm surprised no one posted this for you. Print it off and give it to your ex:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

F-102 posted an excellent summary about how these re-connecting with old flame affairs usually go:


Quote:
Originally Posted by F-102 
It may have gone something like this:

They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"

Then it would have morphed into talk about:

What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...

...get the picture?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good going Tidal. Do what the guy says: isolate and protect your finances. I would also list one or both houses-- or rent one out-- don't burden yourself financially.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Get your damn ring back! And use the money to buy a set of balls.


Tidal1, I'm glad you got the ring back. 

You can buy a lot of balls for 25K. :rofl:


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

Alright guys, got one more decision I wanted to ask about before I screw up.

I didn't play my cards too well as far as leaving any possibility at reconciliation, but she is still dangling that out there. I don't ask her, it just sort of comes up in conversation. 

We're done, we have spoken a bit and she still denies everything and acts like we may have a possible future, I don't believe that and don't think she really does either.

Anyway, found out that she is going to see this guy next weekend, she still denies he's anything more than message buddy on FB but I'm trying to decide if I should just tell her I know about her trip and if she goes there will be absolutely no more contact.

My guess is this is a long distance thing and she knows it wont last, wants to have her fun while keeping me in as much of a holding pattern as she can.

I don't think she'll not go, she may not even care, I'm just confused as to how much she's trying to keep me hanging on vs just refusing to acknowledge what she has done, and thought it may give her something to think about if she really is sincere.

Or maybe just keep my mouth shut and let her be single? We are broken up. 

Not sure what I think it will accomplish but hard to get closure when they constantly plant this doubt in your head. 

Why do the dumpers never admit they're moving on, be much easier on dumpee?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> Why do the dumpers never admit they're moving on, be much easier on dumpee?


If you figure out a solution to this problem, get a patent right away.

As for the reason, it boils down to pure selfishness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Don't bother wasting your thoughts on why she is doing this or not doing that. She is a cheater and that's all you need to know.

Were you co-owners on a house?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Don`t allow her to delude herself for a moment that R is a possibility.

Inform her you don`t give a damn who or what she does because you`re done.

Dude, stop toying with a chance of R!
You dodged a massive bullet here thank your lucky stars and go out and find a new chick to have some fun with.

The ring?

Damn right you get it back.

"Proper Etiquette" says the ring is a symbol of a promise between the two of you, you giving it and her wearing it.
That promise is broken, Etiquette states you get the ring back since she broke that promise.

Actually at $25K **** "Etiquette" take the ring.


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Don`t allow her to delude herself for a moment that R is a possibility.
> 
> Inform her you don`t give a damn who or what she does because you`re done.
> 
> ...


Yeah I got the ring, she was pissed, turned that into me breaking boundaries to sneak in and get it back.

Joint house but we're fixing that right niw so no real reason for anything other than total break. 

I was so over this garbage a week ago, don't know what happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Whether you want to reconcile or not you should let her know you know about her affair and that she is going to meet her cheating partner. At least one of you could be honest.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Plus she thinks she is being so slick and making a fool of you.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

tidal, of course she's gonna dangle a carrot in front of you, she sure don't wanna totally screw up her money train. as numerous others here have said "you've dodged a major bullet", if anything you should be getting down on your knees and saying thanks to god for this one.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her out right that her going to be with him for the weekend has shown you there is no remorse and that she is committed to hooking up with him.

Then when she does go - either don't be there when she returns, or have her stuff in storage.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> Yeah I got the ring, she was pissed, turned that into me breaking boundaries to sneak in and get it back.
> 
> Joint house but we're fixing that right niw so no real reason for anything other than total break. _Posted via Mobile Device_


Excuse me, since when is it "breaking boundaries" and "sneaking in" to a house that YOU bought? Correct me if I'm wrong, I don't believe she has any money to buy anything, pretty much? Your name is on the title. F breaking boundaries! You better not have apologized to her about this


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

67flh said:


> tidal, of course she's gonna dangle a carrot in front of you, she sure don't wanna totally screw up her money train. as numerous others here have said "you've dodged a major bullet", if anything you should be getting down on your knees and saying thanks to god for this one.


Yes, she's going to go see someone she barely knows. Heck, she might step of the plane and change her mind then and there. How on earth will she get the $$ to fly back to home base if you aren't still playing sugar daddy? What, is she mentally deficient as well as selfish? Hardly.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Tidal,

Either let her know about the trip or call her while she is out there to put her in a foul mood.

Either way you should walk away from her.

She is so not worth it.

Get rid of the tainted goods my man.

Fresh fruit tastes so much better!!

HM64


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

She doesn't want you back. She just wants her sugar daddy and, of course, that big ol' 25K rock that you took back.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Tell her out right that her going to be with him for the weekend has shown you there is no remorse and that she is committed to hooking up with him.
> 
> Then when she does go - either don't be there when she returns, or have her stuff in storage.


Hanging around to play second string in a relationship is just not acceptable. Read Shamwow's thread. He just left her and went dark. Seems to have worked for him.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*she still denies everything and acts like we may have a possible future ... she still denies he's anything more than message buddy on FB ... she knows it wont last, wants to have her fun while keeping me in as much of a holding pattern as she can ... I don't think she'll not go, she may not even care, I'm just confused as to how much she's trying to keep me hanging on vs just refusing to acknowledge what she has done *

She wanted to visit him in secret, without you knowing, because she's not sure yet. She needs to kick the tires and look under the hood before she gets off your gravy train and onto his.

She didn't give the ring back because she's not ready to let go yet. She might have told you in the past she knows the score about the return of the engagement ring, but she is "special" and what applies to everyone else does not apply to her. She had it in her head that you would want her to keep the ring, even if she was the one leaving. She was working on a way to rationalize keeping the ring.

The fog got so thick she forgot you weren't married and she gets nothing if you split. She forgot that your money was not her money.

*but I'm trying to decide if I should just tell her I know about her trip and if she goes there will be absolutely no more contact ... thought it may give her something to think about if she really is sincere.*

No way you could threaten total breakup to stop her from going to see the other man. She is convinced she can patch this up with you no matter what happens. If it doesn't work out with the other man, expect her to come back to you acting like you're crazy, she just had to see an old friend who was feeling down.

Let her know that if she goes, it's a dealbreaker, you'll definitely never reconcile, you'll split up for good. You don't have to tell her this, but even if she doesn't go, it doesn't mean you have to try to reconcile with her. But, I too think she will go no matter what. If it doesn't work out with OM, she'll stick to her old-depressed-buddy-needed-cheering-up story and she figures if she sticks with it and doesn't waver, you'll eventually take her back.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> If it doesn't work out with OM, she'll stick to her old-depressed-buddy-needed-cheering-up story and she figures if she sticks with it and doesn't waver, you'll eventually take her back.


and I'm not altogether convinced that you won't take her back, just as she expects...honestly, it feels like nothing much has happened, except that you took back the ring. Are you moved into the house, or not? Or did her saying you had "broken boundaries" scare you back out of your own home?


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> and I'm not altogether convinced that you won't take her back, just as she expects...honestly, it feels like nothing much has happened, except that you took back the ring. Are you moved into the house, or not? Or did her saying you had "broken boundaries" scare you back out of your own home?


Nah, I know what to do, just takes a little reading here to get my head on straight again. We broke up, I'm in my house & she's taking the other one, her mother is helping her. 

Turning point was when I stopped by unannounced, she was acting like she didn't know if I was going to hurt her or something, I thought she was kidding and just kept laughing until I realized she was serious. That's when I realized how crazy she is right now.

I've been going out, dating, I went dark and less than a week she was calling and I got sucked back in a little. Seems like she calls, I give in and it only turns into another chance for her to bash me, lie to me. 

She got her own phone now, I don't even have the number. I only met with her other day to find a graceful way out of visitation with kids that aren't mine, it's hard to move on without actually moving on. She was pouring it on, made it sound like she's just hanging out wanting only to be alone, messed with my head again. 

I think I'll mention it, might get some satisfaction from it anyway, she gets pretty bent when I call her out on her lies. 

I think she's convinced herself of her own lies, I did tell one of our friends and it got back to her, she asked me why I lied to them and I could only look at her, I was just thinking, one of us has a serious problem with reality right now.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> We broke up, I'm in my house & she's taking the other one, her mother is helping her.


So her mom is buying you out for that house? Wow, she is one lucky gal.

It's interesting that you're choosing not to confront her. I suppose there is no point, since there is no divorce and you're moving on.

She quite a manipulative young lady. Guard yourself.


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## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> So her mom is buying you out for that house? Wow, she is one lucky gal.
> 
> It's interesting that you're choosing not to confront her. I suppose there is no point, since there is no divorce and you're moving on.
> 
> She quite a manipulative young lady. Guard yourself.


There's not a great deal of equity, I just want it in her name and be done with it so her mom will help with that. She's bought in to the lies as well, she thinks she's getting a daughter back and they'll be bosom buddies or something. 

I am going to confront her, wasn't sure because every bit of contact seems to drive us farther apart and she get's to me with thoughts of R, until I get on here and hear it straight. 

May not do any good, she still denies he's anything more than FB friend when she knows I know that's a lie, but I think I'll feel better not letting her think she's getting something over on me.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> There's not a great deal of equity, I just want it in her name and be done with it so her mom will help with that. She's bought in to the lies as well, she thinks she's getting a daughter back and they'll be bosom buddies or something.
> 
> I am going to confront her, wasn't sure because every bit of contact seems to drive us farther apart and she get's to me with thoughts of R, until I get on here and hear it straight.
> 
> May not do any good, she still denies he's anything more than FB friend when she knows I know that's a lie, but I think I'll feel better not letting her think she's getting something over on me.


Who is watching her kids this weekend when she flies and meets her new "friend" ??


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

who cares, she made her choice, since they broke up she isnt cheating anymore

tidal needs to just start doing things for himself and having fun and sometime down the line find a good woman who will earn his trust and love


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Tidal,

Now you see how "crazy" a cheater can be. THey say their lies so they can believe their lies. It is how they can cheat without feeling guilty.

Walk away. Go dark. Do not talk to her again.

Go make some good history with a good woman who will love you and no one else.

Sure you will miss her kids. They will miss you more. That is her problem not yours.

Move on and never look back.

HM64


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Man will you stop talking to this woman. You said you was so over this. Well start acting like it. The only thing you have to talk to her about is the house. Nothing personal at all. You really sound like you will take her back. Just tell her you know she did the same thing in her previous marriage. Then tell her she is not that slick, that you know she actually booked a flight to go see him. Then you look her dead in the eye, and say " THANK YOU "" for keeping me from wasting the rest of my life and money on someone like you". I mean, can you see what your marriage would have been like ?? If she felt so confident to do this now, just think how she would act if she had legal papers on you. Protect yourself man. Stop talking to her yesterday.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Tidal1 -- any update ?? Hope you are doing better.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

You should call up one of her friends and start dating one of them


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Uh no

Best if he moves on and has a happier life


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