# can anyone help?



## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

hello
I am wondering if any guys out there can help me.
My husband of 13 years told me about 3 weeks ago that he wasn't happy anymore and hadn't been in a long time. he told me that he "didn't feel the same way about me anymore" nut that he still really cares about me. He wanted a separation. he started staying at a friends house ( a female) and he said it was just platonic- sleeping on her couch. He had to come home every morning to work on the computer for work, but would leave at the end of the day. I found out that he had started a relationship that was not platonic with this woman ( he is her boss) a few days after we separated. When I found this out, I freaked, and told him that he could either stay and try to work things out ( no guarantees) or go and be with her and risk that his employers would find out what he was doing . The choice was his. He is in the army, and they don't look to kindly on things like that, and if he was caught, it could me that he would be demoted, fined, etc., and that really frightened me, as he is the "breadwinner" in our family. I told him that I would go to the base or unit padre myself if he didn't stop seeing this girl, and try and put the best spin on it that I could- end it now before it got even more out of hand.
He told me he wanted to try and work on things, but he doesn't have "those kind of feelings for me" but he did for her ( he was telling her he loved her, etc. in an email I found). 
He has told me that this other girl wasn't the real issue, but that he thought I didn't trust him, never had, and that I tried to use money to control him ( we never seem to have any). We have three kids, two of whom are autistic, and they can sometimes be a handful. He says that part of his problem is that the house isn't clean enough, things we buy get trashed or broken etc., that I don't have the kids on a "schedule' ( or myself , for that matter). He said that he used to try and help out around the house, but gave up, and that he's too tired a lot of the time to help out. He's angry that there is not more money for "spending money" ( but our children's therapy costs $150.00/hr) , and that I spend too much time volunteering at the local family resource centre, which is , in his view, non-productive.
He has made a room for himself in the basement, and I am trying to talk with him and give due consideration to the points he is trying to make and act on them as much as I can. But today or son knocked a small lamp over which melted the corner of my husbands portable dvd player, which led to another round of "how everything is always messy' and " everything we have gets broken, etc." and that " I am using the kids autism as an excuse for their behavior". 
I still do love the guy and want things to work out, but I don't know what else to do. I have been making an extra effort to keep the house as clean as I can but it still doesn't seem to make a difference. He keeps telling me that i don't understand what he is trying to get at, but I really am trying to. He's also told me that he does have a lot of fun when we are together, but it's not the same, and that he could have gone on the way he was, but taht would have been "living a lie".
Can anyone maybe give some input into what may be going on here?
Two other points of note: he is due to be deployed in November to Afghanistan, and he has also said that all of a sudden food that he used to hate now tastes good (?) and that he is noticing smells he hasn't been able to smell before (?) I don't know if that means anything or not, but it seems kind of strange.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Why the heck are you paying $150.00 an hour for your kid's therapy, if he is active duty Army and both your kids have an autism diagnosis?

Am sorry he is doing this to you and there you are trying to move all the pieces into the 'right' place according to how he wants the game played.

What a jerk he is, and shame on him.

Go to his CO and explain what is going on if your DH does not get his crap together. 

You are being dumped on, sweetheart and he is being a jerk. If he doesn't make things right with you, you get most of his paycheck...and I understand why you two probably haven't much money....military pay (is he enlisted) isn't very much under E-6...still don't understand why you two are paying for counseling for your kids!


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

Our private insurance pays for up to $1000.00/ year for therapy per person. after that, you are on your own.

To be fair, it does seem that he has stopped seeing this other girl- I think more out of fear than anything else ( she could, if she chose, call it " harassment" or "abuse of authority"). He has told me that she is basically a nice person, and that she wouldn't do that ( apparently she likes me, and felt bad about what was going on). I hope he is right in his assessment.

I just don't understand why this sudden change. he says that he felt this way for a really long time, but if he did, he didn't say so or give much of an indication other than complaining every once in a while that there wasn't more spending money.


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

we are canadian, and he is not an office or NCO ( I guess he is the equivalent of an "enlisted man' rank in the American army)


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Oh, I thought you had American military health care.  

Bummer! 

(Sorry, but I HAVE to say here to any American debating whether or not govt health care is "good" deal: I've studied health care all over the world...nationalized medicine really is not good deal! It just _seems_ like it is....folks!)

There is no such THING as no cost health care, or cheap health care! :soapbox:

*Back to your issue (sorry): So he is living in the basement right now?* How old are you and he? How old are the kids?


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

they are six, nine and eleven. This is really confusing and hard for them- the oldest and youngest ( the ones with ASD's) are upset, but it comes out in subtle ways ( scared of the dark for no reason, etc.). My middle kid cries almost every night and has trouble sleeping. 

I just don't understand how he could do this to our family- everything has been turned upside down for us, and I'm feeling really lost. He doesn't like that I have talked to people he might know about what has been going on ( my parents, my aunt, a couple of good friends of mine). I am not trying to make him look bad, but instead I am just trying to figure out what is going on and what to do. It seems like we can have a really good evening, and then something will set things off again.


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

we are both 37 ( he just turned 37 a few days ago)


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