# Help with reconciling after a long term EA



## Luckyone

Me and my husband of 23 years are in MC due to a long term EA he had with an ex-GF. I apologize for not knowing how to share the link to my story, but if you search "Luckyone" you will find it under Coping with Infidelity.

We are currently in MC and working on reconciling. This is our third time in MC over the same thing (the OW); the first time was a couple of years into our marriage and the second was a few years ago. Neither time was I able to get him to understand the nature of his betrayal and as a result resentment built up between us and he just took the relationship more underground. He always saw her as just a friend from his past and nothing more.

I guess in some ways for me - out of sight out of mind - so I never asked questions knowing he would just lie anyways. Every few years something would pop up regarding her and we would have a big blow out. 

A little over a month ago I came across an old e-card she sent him a few years back and upon reading it it hit me that that I no longer waned to be married to him. Not only had I grown tired of not knowing the full extent of their relationship, but we were arguing over every little thing. I asked him for a separation but he refused to leave our home saying he loved me too much and wanted to save our marriage. He asked that I go to MC with him and I agreed, not so much to restore the marriage but so that I could have closures in the event we weren't able to work out our differences. 

After reading the book "Not Just Friends" my husband began to better understand the nature of his betrayal. He has asked for forgiveness and has done everything possible to keep our marriage together, including NC with the OW ever again. He says he feels a lot of remorse for what he did to me and wants to do everything he can to make things right. 

I have been praying about this and I feel (more like I KNOW) that God wants me to forgive him for his trespasses. Actually, let me take it a step further, not only to forgive, but to keep our marriage vows and not divorce. Yet, I am struggling with this. I feel like a child who says "It's not fair". It takes him 20 years to get the OW out of his system and I am supposed to be happy? I feel numb. Do I trust him - no, I never will. Do I think he genuinely feels remorse for what he has done and never plans to contact the OW again - at this point in time, yes. 

I see my husband trying so hard but I feel stuck in the past and unable to see a future. If it were up to me I would probably push for a separation so I can figure out my feelings, but the fear of God and not obeying Him wont let me do that. 

What can I do to get past this?


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## greeneyedlily

I believe God would want you to be with someone you would be able to fully trust and love, in this case even if you come to full forgiveness would you ever be able to not wonder about anything that seemed out of the ordinary. It is a very difficult decision, one I had to make for different reasons than yourself, but I chose to leave, and seriously have never regretted that. Sometimes we have to reap what we have sown, even when we are sorry we have done something wrong. I know this to be totally true. Biggest lessons in life usually have the highest amount of pain attached to them, it finally gets our attention. I wish you all the best, and while I think marriages should stay together, overall there are times when I believe God is ok with too much water has gone under the bridge, and what is best might be a change for both parties.


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## FormerSelf

Trust God with your heart first...and He will lead your to the right place according to His will. That is your first step in knowing how to open your heart to your husband. Pray that God will also grant you discernment to the situation...that while you are trying to trust Him, your husband also needs to open his life to God and get to the root of things. No feel-good band-aids. This is time for both of you to expose some things out in the open and allow for healing.


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## Luckyone

Thank you both for your reply. My emotions are all over the place. One day I am angry at what he did to our marriage and the next I feel guilty for not being able to meet him half way. I will continue to pray and trust God for guidance. I tend to be impatient so I also realize I might need to give myself more time to come to terms with our "new" relationship.


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## FormerSelf

I think we easily try to find our natural rhythm...but get shaken up because what was normal is also a familiar pattern that resulted in the disaster. Unsettling to say the least, so you are right when you say "new" cos it is going to take doing things differently in order to see different results. So don't be afraid to tell your husband "Hey, I know where this leads...lets not go there."


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## darklilly23

Thank you for your story luckyone, I sent you a pm.


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## lifeistooshort

So why is it that God requires you to stay with a cheating liar but God doesn't require him to be faithful?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Luckyone

Lifeistooshort,

God does require him to be faithful and I do too. H has asked for forgiveness, shown remorse and is doing all he can to make things right. I am just having a hard time letting go of the hurt that I feel.


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## lifeistooshort

What makes you think God has an issue with you separating and clearing your head? I think part of the reason you're having trouble is because you don't feel like this is really your decision and you are powerless. Separate for a bit, even if you have no intention of divorcing, and it will accomplish two things: it will give you breathing room and it will let you hb know he could lose you. Right now there have been no consequences because all he has to do is ask forgiveness and you are obligated to give it to him. Christianity is a lovely religion but it's concept of forgiveness is often manipulated to excuse bad behavior and decisions. You might decide you miss him when he's not there and it could make moving forward with him easier. Whatever you decide I wish you peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Luckyone

Lifeistooshort,

Thank you for your insight. The course of action you mention is what I wanted to do. I asked my husband to leave our home but he refused, saying he had made a mistake, loved me too much, didn't fully understand what an EA was, and wanted to work things out. The most he would agree to was to sleep on the sofa in our master bedroom. That wasn't enough for me so I moved to another bedroom. Living separated but under the same roof was not working for me. He was cooking dinner for me and the kids, doing laundry, coming to my bedroom every night to see about me, etc. It didn't feel much different than before. Actually it was better because we were getting along. In a way I wanted to either miss him or hate him, but found myself in limbo. I felt that living apart would help me to sort things out. 

About 6 weeks into MC I ended up moving back into our bedroom but with no intimacy on my part. I hated being in the grey area and felt that we either needed to separate (be in different homes) or make a full effort to reconcile. He had done everything I had asked of him including NC with the EX G. He said reading the book "Not Just Friends" opened his eyes. IMO it was a combination of him reading the book but mostly me finally putting my foot down that I would no longer be married to him if he continued to talk to her. He said he knew I didn't like it but didn't realize I was at that point.:scratchhead: Can we say cake eater? I wish I had found this site years ago. I didn't realize that sticking it out would do so much harm to my feeling towards him and myself. 

So basically, I don't think God has a problem with us separating, but I refuse to leave my home and uproot my children. Husband has been hanging on for dear life and has done everything I ask him short of moving out. 

I have good days and bad days. I wrote the OP on a bad day.


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## eyuop

lifeistooshort said:


> Christianity is a lovely religion but it's concept of forgiveness is often manipulated to excuse bad behavior and decisions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually, it isn't "it's concept of forgiveness" but how people interpret the message of forgiveness. Biblical forgiveness never condones continually being abused or hurt. It is about letting go of your own pain, bitterness and hurt (caused by either the other person or yourself) and giving the situation over to God and letting Him work on the other person (or even yourself).

Forgiveness does not equal "doormat".


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## Westwind

Luckyone said:


> ... I didn't realize that sticking it out would do so much harm to my feeling towards him and myself.
> 
> So basically, I don't think God has a problem with us separating, but I refuse to leave my home and uproot my children. Husband has been hanging on for dear life and has done everything I ask him short of moving out.
> 
> I have good days and bad days. I wrote the OP on a bad day.


Keep trying with him. I know sticking it out all those years results in just going dead on the feelings. You bury it and bury it and emotionally you learn how to be incredibly distant and you do not realize how far apart you have become until it is done when you finally say you have had enough and want out. And, you become unhappy with yourself because you think you should just be able for forgive and let all those built up feelings not be there, that you should be a better human being than that, it makes you feel less. With the other woman gone, you have to make some decisions on what to do. Or, maybe not do anything some more? You learned to be distant to protect yourself and your feelings, but now the other woman is out of there so you do not need the same level of emotional protection. How is the marriage counseling going? Some counselors are better than others so I hope you got a good one. Maybe with the right marriage counselor you can slowly learn to trust and be open again.


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## Mr Blunt

> *Quote of LuckyOne*
> Thank you for your insight. The course of action you mention is what I wanted to do. I asked my husband to leave our home but he refused, saying he had made a mistake, loved me too much, didn't fully understand what an EA was, and wanted to work things out. The most he would agree to was to sleep on the sofa in our master bedroom. That wasn't enough for me so I moved to another bedroom. Living separated but under the same roof was not working for me. He was cooking dinner for me and the kids, doing laundry, coming to my bedroom every night to see about me, etc. It didn't feel much different than before. Actually it was better because we were getting along. In a way I wanted to either miss him or hate him, but found myself in limbo. I felt that living apart would help me to sort things out.
> 
> About 6 weeks into MC I ended up moving back into our bedroom but with no intimacy on my part. I hated being in the grey area and felt that we either needed to separate (be in different homes) or make a full effort to reconcile. He had done everything I had asked of him including NC with the EX G. He said reading the book "Not Just Friends" opened his eyes. IMO it was a combination of him reading the book but mostly me finally putting my foot down that I would no longer be married to him if he continued to talk to her. He said he knew I didn't like it but didn't realize I was at that point. Can we say cake eater? I wish I had found this site years ago. I didn't realize that sticking it out would do so much harm to my feeling towards him and myself.
> 
> So basically, I don't think God has a problem with us separating, but I refuse to leave my home and uproot my children. Husband has been hanging on for dear life and has done everything I ask him short of moving out.
> 
> I have good days and bad days. I wrote the OP on a bad day.



Your husband has done great emotional harm to your marriage. Your “out of sight out of mind” and you both NOT addressing this issue for so many years allowed a lot of resentment to build up for YEARS!


*From what you wrote your husband is serious and doing everything you ask and wants forgiveness.* You have stated that “I don't think God has a problem with us separating” That is between you and God but I will tell you what God does have a problem with. *God has a problem with you having so much pain from bitterness and resentment*. If you are a Christian that believes that God speaks through the bible then you know what God wants for you.

God wants you to trust Him when He says that he wants you to forgive your husband.* In fact God dos not beat around the bush on this subject. He is very clear in Matthew 6:14-15*. I will be blunt with you as I assume you do not want me to avoid one of the main issues. You have not forgiven as God has wanted you to and you are hurting yourself most of all. The forgiveness is for mostly your benefit. *Often you can start forgiveness by just obeying God and giving it your best effort with out feelings. Feeling can come later*.


*God also wants you to have faith in Him and seek him. One of the reasons for that is so that He can reward you. Hebrews 11:6* 

Your peace and security will come from God not from your husband or anything else.
If you are serious about pleasing God then you seek Him and strive to please Him. When you do that then God has promised to comfort you. For me it was much better for me to bring God into the situation because* I feel that betrayal, hurts, resentments, and forgiveness are spiritual matters*

When I was in your condition I had to be spoken to bluntly. I had ordered the book Broken Intimacy” and was hoping to find out how to address my hurts and restore intimacy with my spouse. I was surprised when the book asked me if I had “Broken Intimacy with God” I was finally honest and admitted that I had put other people and things before Him many times. The book asked me the question…” if I wanted forgiveness for treating God that way”. Of course I did! I could not help ask myself, *“If I wanted forgiveness for me putting someone/things first instead of God why am I so hypocritical as to not forgive my spouse?”*

I eventually found out that God and my faith could be depended on to help my resentments more than anything else.
I do not think that this post is going have you singing “Happy Days Are here Again” but I hope that you will get all the help from a person, book, movie, anything that will help you build your faith so that you can get a LOT better. 


*I know how deeply you are hurt but with God, your faith, and all the other resources you can get you can get a LOT better.* I hesitated to be blunt with you because I know your hurts but I had to have someone be blunt with me before I got my eyes focused in the right direction and got the right help. I am hoping that you rid of the soul poison of resentment.


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## Zanne

Mr. Blunt, your post was very insightful and I believe the sort of advice that the OP was seeking, although she may find it hard to read.

I'm on the other side of the coin, so to speak, but it was helpful for me too. Thank you.


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## Zanne

Luckyone said:


> I have been praying about this and I feel (more like I KNOW) that God wants me to forgive him for his trespasses. Actually, let me take it a step further, not only to forgive, but to keep our marriage vows and not divorce. Yet, I am struggling with this. I feel like a child who says "It's not fair".


Omgosh, I could have written this myself! This is exactly where I am at right now.

I'm stuck on the obedience factor too and I feel trapped sometimes - as if I am grudgingly accepting my fate. I know that's a sign that I have more growing to do in my faith, so anymore I am just trying to be patient.

I am also in MC (married 24 years) and one thing we are working on right now is being honest with each other - not making assumptions or playing games, but saying what is on our minds without worrying about reaction or hurt feelings. Also, little by little, I am working on letting go of my trust issues - we just started working on this so I'm not there yet.

I wish that I could offer more advice on the Christian divorce debate, but it sounds like we are at the same point right now.


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## Mr Blunt

> Originally *Posted by Luckyone *
> I have been praying about this and I feel (more like I KNOW) that God wants me to forgive him for his trespasses. Actually, let me take it a step further, not only to forgive, but to keep our marriage vows and not divorce. Yet, I am struggling with this. I feel like a child who says "It's not fair".
> 
> *By Zane*
> Omgosh, I could have written this myself! This is exactly where I am at right now.
> 
> I'm stuck on the obedience factor too and I feel trapped sometimes - as if I am grudgingly accepting my fate. I know that's a sign that I have more growing to do in my faith, so anymore I am just trying to be patient.
> 
> I am also in MC (married 24 years) and one thing we are working on right now is being honest with each other - not making assumptions or playing games, but saying what is on our minds without worrying about reaction or hurt feelings. Also, little by little, I am working on letting go of my trust issues - we just started working on this so I'm not there yet.
> 
> I wish that I could offer more advice on the Christian divorce debate, but it sounds like we are at the same point right now.



Luckyone and Zane
I was there ( “it is not fair”) also at one time..

It was brought to my attention that I had committed putting God in 2-3-4-5th place many times yet He forgave me and blessed me. *I did not say, God it is not fair for you to forgive me. Instead I fully accepted His forgiveness and strove to please Him*. When I fell down I got back up and remembered His mercy and grace and kept trying to please Him.

*I finally got to the point where I wanted to please God more than withhold forgiveness.* My relationship with God was beginning to be more important than my relationship with my spouse. After all I came to realize that my security, emotional health, my hopes, blessings, and most everything else comes from God and that He never betrays you.

Forgiveness is not about your idea of fairness. In fact forgiveness often does not involve fairness at all. Was it fair that God forgave you? Did you earn forgiveness? *Forgiveness involves mercy, grace and dependence and trust in God.*

I am not saying that forgiveness means that you become a door mat and allow yourself to be walked on. Forgiveness means that you put God first, allow the God administered consequences to occur, and trust God to take care of fairness and you give up your assumed right to revenge, punishment, judgments, compensation, or bitter feelings.

*You can ask God today to help you obey Him and then you make the decision to start to release the anger and bitterness and feelings of being put down*. Your spouse did not cheat on you because you are not a good person he/she cheated on you out of selfishness and disobedience to God. The cheater’s character was put down by their own actions. Your worth and character are not damaged by their cheating unless you disobey God like they did. *Obeying God builds your realization of your worth.*

*For me it was huge for me to finally trust that God was going to take care of the issue in His time and BLESS me for my forgiving*. It took several years for me to see that God is always trustworthy so now I can say these things with a bit more certainty. The test was when I could not see those things yet had faith in God. That is where you both are right now.

It really boiled down to me wanting to hold on to my feelings and sense of fairness or trusting God. You and you alone will finally have to make that choice.

Following God is more than praying and then having cookies and milk. It requires for you to trust and obey and then your choices and ACTIONS! It takes a real woman or man with a strong backbone to be Christ-like.

I am pulling for you two ladies!

Blunt


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## Luckyone

Mr Blunt said:


> Your husband has done great emotional harm to your marriage. Your “out of sight out of mind” and you both NOT addressing this issue for so many years allowed a lot of resentment to build up for YEARS!
> 
> Although I tried to address the issue I didn't take it to the level I should have. In the beginning, it was probably a combination of love, not understanding what an EA was (it was just a gut feeling that I didn't like), and him also making me out to be overly sensitive. Looking back I should have gotten support from his family and/or my family. Instead, I kept quite both to protect him and out of embarrassment. It went on for so long because when someone goes underground, and you ask them if they are still talking, and they say "no", you have no choice but to trust and just move on.
> 
> *From what you wrote your husband is serious and doing everything you ask and wants forgiveness.* You have stated that “I don't think God has a problem with us separating” That is between you and God but I will tell you what God does have a problem with. *God has a problem with you having so much pain from bitterness and resentment*. If you are a Christian that believes that God speaks through the bible then you know what God wants for you.
> 
> I have forgiven my H but I don't see myself being with him in an intimate way. Does that mean I have not truly forgiven him? I know I can live without s** but I don't want to be in a s**less marriage. It's not right. I can be his best friend and a business partner in finances and raise our kids but I am afraid to be his wife.
> 
> 
> God wants you to trust Him when He says that he wants you to forgive your husband.* In fact God dos not beat around the bush on this subject. He is very clear in Matthew 6:14-15*. I will be blunt with you as I assume you do not want me to avoid one of the main issues. You have not forgiven as God has wanted you to and you are hurting yourself most of all. The forgiveness is for mostly your benefit. *Often you can start forgiveness by just obeying God and giving it your best effort with out feelings. Feeling can come later*.
> 
> I can already enjoy his company. It was not that hard for me to forgive him enough to be able to do this. But give him back my heart and my body? I can "touch" him but I don't want him to "touch" me.
> 
> 
> *God also wants you to have faith in Him and seek him. One of the reasons for that is so that He can reward you. Hebrews 11:6*
> 
> Your peace and security will come from God not from your husband or anything else.
> If you are serious about pleasing God then you seek Him and strive to please Him. When you do that then God has promised to comfort you. For me it was much better for me to bring God into the situation because* I feel that betrayal, hurts, resentments, and forgiveness are spiritual matters*
> 
> 
> Several weeks ago I went to the alter and just fell on my face before God. I didn't even know what was wrong but I cried out for help and forgiveness. The topic of his Ex-G hadn't come up since 2009-10 and she wasn't even on my mind. I just felt tired, worn, and ready for a change. I found a lot of comfort that day and knew that everything would be okay. Although my H never left his seat and was sitting on the pew several rows back maybe he was the one in need of healing more than me.
> 
> We are going to see the MC again in a few days. I do like him a lot. My husband has done a lot of things that just don't add up. He is being a lot different now. I was prepared to walk away and find a new kind of peace living without him. I know God is a miracle worker but I wasn't expecting this.


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## Mr Blunt

> From what you wrote your husband is serious and doing everything you ask and wants forgiveness. You have stated that “I don't think God has a problem with us separating” That is between you and God but I will tell you what God does have a problem with. God has a problem with you having so much pain from bitterness and resentment. If you are a Christian that believes that God speaks through the bible then you know what God wants for you.
> 
> *Quote of Luckyone*
> I have forgiven my H but I don't see myself being with him in an intimate way. Does that mean I have not truly forgiven him? I know I can live without s** but I don't want to be in a s**less marriage. It's not right. I can be his best friend and a business partner in finances and raise our kids but I am afraid to be his wife.


You asked he question 
"I have forgiven my H but I don't see myself being with him in an intimate way. Does that mean I have not truly forgiven him?"

My opinion is that if you have bitterness and resentment then you have not fully forgiven. However, I am going to give you additional information and let you decide if you have forgiven or not

I have got some information from a famous Christian writer (Dr. Charles Stanley) about forgiveness and am reprinting it below.





> WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?
> Forgiveness is the act of setting someone free from an obligation to you that is a result of a wrong done against you. For example, a debt is forgiven when you free your debtor of his obligation to pay back what he owes you.
> Forgiveness, then, involves three elements: injury, a debt resulting from the injury, and a cancellation of the debt. All three elements are essential if forgiveness is to take place. Before we look in more detail at this process, however, we need to trace the sequence of events that lead to bondage when this process is abandoned. This is important because I believe most people who suffer from an unforgiving spirit do not know that unforgiveness is the root of their problem.
> All they know is that they just "can't stand" to be around certain people. They find themselves wanting to strike out at people when certain subjects are discussed. They feel uncomfortable around certain personality types. They lose their temper over little things. They constantly struggle with guilt over sins committed in the past. They can't get away from the ambivalence of hating the ones they know they should love the most. Such feelings and behavior patterns often indicate that people have not come to grips with the forgiveness of God and the implications of that forgiveness
> 
> 
> We will know we have forgiven when . . .
> Several things occur once the forgiveness process is complete. First, our negative feelings will disappear. We will not feel the same way when we run into these people on the street or in the office. Harsh feelings will be replaced by feelings of concern, pity, or empathy, but not resentment.
> Second, we will find it much easier to accept the people who have hurt us without feeling the need to change them. We will be willing to take them just the way they are. Once the blinders of resentment have been removed from our eyes, we will have a new appreciation for their situation and motivation.
> Third, our concern about the needs of other individuals will outweigh our concerns about what they did to us. Instead of concentrating only on ourselves, we will be able to see our offenders as people with legitimate needs of their own.





> For me it was much better for me to bring God into the situation because I feel that betrayal, hurts, resentments, and forgiveness are spiritual matters
> 
> *quote of Luckyone*Several weeks ago I went to the alter and just fell on my face before God. I didn't even know what was wrong but I cried out for help and forgiveness. The topic of his Ex-G hadn't come up since 2009-10 and she wasn't even on my mind. I just felt tired, worn, and ready for a change. I found a lot of comfort that day and knew that everything would be okay. Although my H never left his seat and was sitting on the pew several rows back maybe he was the one in need of healing more than me.
> 
> We are going to see the MC again in a few days. I do like him a lot. My husband has done a lot of things that just don't add up. He is being a lot different now. I was prepared to walk away and find a new kind of peace living without him. I know God is a miracle worker but I wasn't expecting this.



LuckyOne
Your actions seem to me to be a very powerful sign that God is involved and/or will be involved in your life. If that is the case then I do not think that I should be giving you anymore advice or direction. If God is involved then I need to step aside. I am now excited for you and hope that you will share with me what happens to you in the future as I do think that you and God are going to be a team. *Your humility is very impressive to me and I think that your future will be a very strong encouragement to those of faith*

Thank you for being so brave and honest


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