# Need help with this one



## venomdog (Jun 19, 2010)

I am in a very strange situation I have relationship with this girl from last 2 months. After few weeks I told her everything about my past relationship and any one night stand I had with girls and also asked about her pasts, she said she had nothing in the past. 

Although I had relationship in past but it was never meant to be serious, it was more of a sexual need and I used to clear my intention before getting into any act, so it was always mutual understanding thats it. But with this girl I am quite serious and want to marry her. 

Anyway, something inside me always warned me that she is hiding something and although I tried to know abt it many times but I am always told that she never had any affair. A week before our engagement I again asked her the same question this time I was bit smart in my talks and persuaded her to come clean, which opened the can of worms. She not only had one but two relationship in the past and the first one was very serious, even her parents know about it and they were getting married but somehow it was put off (she yet to convince me with her reason as why it was called off) and the second one was a short one with her colleague, which she again didn't want to elaborate. 

So, guys now I am in a strange situation had she told me about it when I asked her I would have thought about it, now it is too late as all my friends and family know that we are going to get engaged and now this. 

Not only that she is now upset and I don't know why as if I did some mistake asking her past, she don't pick my calls. I did told her its fine with me what happened to you in the past, but it looks like she is not convinced and she thinks that she lost me as I am not going to forgive her, as girls thinks different than guys. A very good saying "Men wants to be first love of a woman and women wants to be his last". 

I am not sure what to do next, I did talked about it to my dad and he told me that its fine it was her past and now we should move on. 
On the other hand I think am I really going to live with this? Will I have the same respect for her in future and what if I hurt her in future because of this. 

Guys please help me if some of you had the same situation like me my question is how hard is it? and what do you think I should do.
I can say that I think she likes me and also care for me, but then she should have told me at very beginning now I don't trust her love and care anymore. 

Help me!!!


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Here is the thing: just because you ask someone a question does not mean they are obligated to answer it. Perhaps she did npot yet feel secure enough to share her intimate life with you at that time.

I have been in a similar situation, where the truth was withheld until an awkward time. I was angry and hurt, but knew I loved the person and didn't want to be with anyone else. We have had some difficulties, as all couples do, but are happily married despite "bumps" in the road.

Obviously she did not tell you because she was not ready. Partners must respect one another's emotional space. Loving a person means not beating them up, verbally, when disappointment, since it is not helpful. A successful marriage depends on forgiveness. No one is perfect, it's an impossible standard.

Some pre-marital counselling may do you both some good, to establish a healthy way of communicating with one another.

Best,

Lyn


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

I am not sure I understand what you are asking, venomdog...

Are you having second thoughts about your fiance, because she had past relationships?

Or, are you having second thoughts about this - because she didn't tell you everything when you first asked?


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## venomdog (Jun 19, 2010)

Lyn said:


> Here is the thing: just because you ask someone a question does not mean they are obligated to answer it. Perhaps she did npot yet feel secure enough to share her intimate life with you at that time.
> 
> I have been in a similar situation, where the truth was withheld until an awkward time. I was angry and hurt, but knew I loved the person and didn't want to be with anyone else. We have had some difficulties, as all couples do, but are happily married despite "bumps" in the road.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response it helped me. sorry to get personal but you said it happened with you, but how you get on with it. You or he never compared you/him to your/his past relationship along the way. I mean its hard for me to digest the fact that my girl loved someone to a point where she wanted to marry. I mean I can be next guy for her, whom she can forget the next day she find another.  .


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## venomdog (Jun 19, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> I am not sure I understand what you are asking, venomdog...
> 
> Or, are you having second thoughts about this - because she didn't tell you everything when you first asked?


First I was upset because of this. 

and now I have question because of this 


> Are you having second thoughts about your fiance, because she had past relationships?


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

venomdog said:


> Thanks for your response it helped me. sorry to get personal but you said it happened with you, but how you get on with it. You or he never compared you/him to your/his past relationship along the way. I mean its hard for me to digest the fact that my girl loved someone to a point where she wanted to marry. I mean I can be next guy for her, whom she can forget the next day she find another.  .


Well, let's see. The first time or the time I discovered his affair, six months ago?

I htink the time most similar to yours was the first time, 12 years ago just before we married, and I mean, just before.

There were so many positives in our relationship, that I remember early on, having been married before, as had he, thinking that the only reason to marry is because you just have to be with this person, come what may, and trust me...stuff will come and some will be messy, because life is messy.

Some people decide to marry because they don't see any reason not to. I think this is a big mistake, but at any rate, you love the person, you love their mind, you love their character and you BRING OUT THE BEST IN ONE ANOTHER. 

We had known each other 3 years by the time I found out about something which he kept from me when I felt there was no need to, but his revelation of it, all this time, later, really was a shock. I felt betrayed and that he had not been honest with me. Our wedding was in 2 months. I had to make a decision: am I going to throw away the life I know we need to have together because he didn't tell me something when we first met? Hmm.

No, I decided, I am not throwing our life away because my feelings are hurt. He was sorry that I was hurt, we discussed it and I made a decision to focus on our new life together as opposed to someone from his past who was not a good match for him.

If there is true love, I say, focus on the positives, the best and learn to forgive. Learn to be happy in the fact that your lover chose YOU and is following through to marry YOU, after breaking it off with HIM because he didn't measure up to her standards for a husband, You DO.

Marriage can be healing or if you let it, can be a nightmare. You are going to have to make some decisions regarding controlling your thoughts and words and looking at her commitment to you as good enough.

Best,

Lyn


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## venomdog (Jun 19, 2010)

Lyn said:


> Well, let's see. The first time or the time I discovered his affair, six months ago?
> 
> I htink the time most similar to yours was the first time, 12 years ago just before we married, and I mean, just before.
> 
> ...


Thanks Lyn for such a positive response I have no words to thank you; I was in real thinking process and then your post really made me to take the positive side of it. 

Thanks again


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Several things here:

1. You revealed your fiance's past love life to your father? Not good form.

2. You pressured her to reveal her past love life to you despite her wanting to keep it private.

3. You revealed your sexual past to her and trivialized it.

If I'm not mistaken, there was no overlap between you and she getting together and any of her past relationships.

I get the impression that you have misgivings about her because she has had a sexual past, but none regarding your own.

It's a kind of a double standard.

At this point it seems as though you two are not a match. You could have been but you appear to want to shame her for really not a bad past romantic life.

I think you have blown it.


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## venomdog (Jun 19, 2010)

michzz said:


> Several things here:
> 
> 1. You revealed your fiance's past love life to your father? Not good form.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response michzz 

I needed someone to discuss this so I chosen my dad which I think is fine as I know my dad. 

I thought otherwise but may be I am wrong I thought its in her interest to hide it from me, because unlike mine hers was quite serious and you know how it works; then I was not convinced with her reason of break off when she revealed it. 

My sexual past was something I wanted to share as I wanted to be honest as much as I can. 

I agree here with your observation its kind of double standard I am applying to this situation; but I think I overcame that phase now and I do accept her past. 

I am going to take it easy for now and do a little but more thinking until the day arrives; but as of now I am quite happy to accept the things and move on. 

Thanks again for your thoughts and I try my best make it work.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

venomdog said:


> Thanks Lyn for such a positive response I have no words to thank you; I was in real thinking process and then your post really made me to take the positive side of it.
> 
> Thanks again




You are so very welcome! 

Best,

Lyn


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