# Made a Big Mistake, need advice!



## saradffy (Mar 28, 2018)

I will keep this as short as possible. So i met my now husband around 4 years ago. It was not love at first sight or I never felt a connection, but he was attractive and I liked him. I guess we kinda just stayed together because I liked him and we had fun together. Even throughout our relationship I questioned my feelings but I still stayed with him. He proposed and at the time everything was good so I said yes. We got married, and I still have second thoughts. I married him for the wrong reasons. He has a great job, attractive, super likeable, etc. I figured I would have a great life with someone I liked. I recently woke up one day and I just can't do it anymore. I have tried to love him the way I should but I'm mentally exhausted. I feel like I am wasting my life, but I don't want to feel like this.It is now at year 4 and I can't stand being around him. He feels like my brother/best friend and thinking about sex with him makes me cringe. I realized now I made a big mistake. I don't believe in divorce, but I need some positive insight if our marriage can get better. Can my feelings change for him? They weren't that strong to begin with, but at one point I did want to marry him, etc. If anyone can give me some positive feedback about love and feelings and marriage that would be great. I don't have anyone to talk to about this.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It sounds like it can get better. A lot of the problem seems to be your attitude towards him rather than he's doing bad things. So if you can change your attitude, then you could find happiness.

The solution is probably not for him to do a lot of stuff to make you fall in love with him . Unless you can point to things that he's doing that are objectively bad, you should do a lot of introspection and personal development to change rather than having him do everything with the hopes it will change you.

In many cultures, couples in arranged marriages learn to be in love, or if not in love, at least happily married. So if they can make it work, so can you.

But a lot of this will depend on you. Do you think you actually want to be married? Being married is generally *not* a relationship filled with a passionate love. Sometimes it happens, but more likely it's like a deep friendship and intimacy. The passionate love you feel in the first year or so will certainly fade. If you can only be happy if you are in that state, you may want to carefully consider if marriage is right for you.

I know you said you don't believe in divorce, but a lifetime is a long time to stay in a relationship if you're not happy. If you're not with the right person, or not right for marriage at this time, carefully consider your decision and how it will affect you decade after decade.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

saradffy said:


> Can my feelings change for him?


One can't change what was not there to begin with. What you have posted it does not appear this marriage will work out. Unless of course you want the marriage to work out. But you are here inquiring with others.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

saradffy said:


> ... throughout our relationship I questioned my feelings but I still stayed with him. ... I still have second thoughts. I married him for the wrong reasons. ... I recently woke up one day and I just can't do it anymore. ... I feel like I am wasting my life ... thinking about sex with him makes me cringe. I realized now I made a big mistake. I don't believe in divorce, but I need some positive insight if our marriage can get better.


No, the marriage cannot get better with the mindset you have. I don't know what "positive insight" you seek. It's up to you to control your own thoughts and feelings. The only thing I can suggest is you start looking at the positive attributes you husband brings to the marriage. You don't specify what it is exactly about your husband that turns you off. Without knowing that, and going on what you said, it doesn't sound like your marriage, which you call a "big mistake" is salvageable.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

saradffy said:


> I married him for the wrong reasons.


Yes, you did. What does your husband think about that ?



saradffy said:


> I don't believe in divorce


I would have to say that based on results, you DO believe in divorce. Because what you have now is a divorce..... it only has not been finalized by a legal paper.

I am assuming your aversion to divorce comes from Christian upbringing. If that is true, then please consult Matthew 23:24, and ask yourself "....is this marriage the gnat, or the camel ?...." and "...is a divorce the gnat, or the camel ? "


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> No, the marriage cannot get better with the mindset you have. I don't know what "positive insight" you seek. It's up to you to control your own thoughts and feelings. The only thing I can suggest is you start looking at the positive attributes you husband brings to the marriage. You don't specify what it is exactly about your husband that turns you off. Without knowing that, and going on what you said, it doesn't sound like your marriage, which you call a "big mistake" is salvageable.


I read it as the H physical attributes are the problem.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

saradffy said:


> ....i met my now husband around 4 years ago. It was not love at first sight or I never felt a connection, but he was attractive and I liked him.
> 
> ....... I questioned my feelings but I still stayed with him.
> 
> ....He proposed and at the time everything was good so *I said yes. We got married, and I still have second thoughts. I married him for the wrong reasons. He has a great job, attractive, super likeable, etc. I figured I would have a great life with someone I liked. *I recently woke up one day and I just can't do it anymore. I have tried to love him the way I should but I'm mentally exhausted. I feel like I am wasting my life, but I don't want to feel like this.*It is now at year 4 and I can't stand being around him*. He feels like my brother/best friend and *thinking about sex with him makes me cringe*. I realized now I made a big mistake. *I don't believe in divorce,* but I need some positive insight if our marriage can get better. Can my feelings change for him? They weren't that strong to begin with, but at one point I did want to marry him, etc. If anyone can give me some positive feedback about love and feelings and marriage that would be great. I don't have anyone to talk to about this.



Don't people understand the concept of "commitment" anymore and that marriage is a commitment to your spouse and the marriage. The whole in sickness and health till death due us part thing is about commitment and a realization that everything will not be a romantic bed of roses. There will be hard and difficult times in most long term marriages, but it is the commitment that the two people have to the marriage and each other is what makes a marriage flourish.

Why don't you start by reading some of the books, magazine articles, etc. on "settling for Mr. Good Enough."

Next why don't you sit yourself down in front of a mirror and take a close look at you and what you are or are not contributing to the happiness within your marriage. Seriously, you were "mature" enough to agree to marriage. You say you don't believe in divorce. You cringe at having sex with your H and he probably knows that and as such you are sabotaging your marriage.

Get a copy of the Gottman's book the Art and Science of Love. It has several daily and weekly rituals that happily married couples do to increase intimacy and bond to each other. It takes just a few minutes a day. If you do the rituals there is a good chance your marriage will grown the two of you closer to each other.

Actually, why don't you try marriage counseling, maybe with a Sex Therapist to help you understand how you can improve your marriage.

Good luck.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your post is inherently cowardly. Here is why:

You don't love your husband the way a wife should, but you don't believe in divorce. Well, what's worse? Divorcing, or keeping you and he prisoners in a sham of a marriage where he is unaware that his wife does not love him? That is a far, far greater sin in my opinion. 

If you are not willing to divorce, then at least tell him how you feel. Be honest and forthright. I guess if he then chooses to divorce you, at least you won't be the bad guy... he will be the bad guy. But you will be off the hook.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, you married a man you weren't in love with and weren't chemically attracted to and now realize your folly. Your options are to accept your decision to marry and learn to be content with his companionship for the next few decades or divorce.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Let me guess? Is he a real nice guy, pleasing and puts you first before himself? If so you are married to my carbon copy (you my STBXW clone) and maybe I can help.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, how happy are you with your life in general, aside from your marriage? How happy are you with yourself?


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

You might not believe in divorce, but you don't get to make that choice for him. You need to be painfully honest with him about how you feel. He can then make an informed decision for himself. What you're doing right now is very unfair to him. He has a right to find someone who is in love with him if he chooses to.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> I read it as the H physical attributes are the problem.


And you draw that conclusion from what? She refers to her husband as "attractive" several times.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> And you draw that conclusion from what? She refers to her husband as "attractive" several times.


saradffy


> sex with him makes me cringe





> guess we kinda just stayed together because I liked him


Why? I'm not getting the vibe there is a physical attraction.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> saradffy
> 
> 
> Why? I'm not getting the vibe there is a physical attraction.


He maybe outwardly attractive, but it sounds like he doesn't get the butterflys going for her. Maybe its his size or endurance, or maybe its just a lack of the alpha trait that women innately gravitate towards. This is when marriages get nuked by infidelity...I feel she isn't too far away from some Chad swooping in, telling her sweet things, and they do the forbidden.

The only thing I can say is tell him how you feel, don't mince words. Its not like you stand to lose much if it doesn't work out.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Be honest enough to get out of this relationship with him, and give him his freedom just as soon as possible!

He and you both deserve far better out of life!*


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> I read it as the H physical attributes are the problem.


I read it as she isn't sexually attracted to him. 



Prodigal said:


> And you draw that conclusion from what? She refers to her husband as "attractive" several times.


Something I think a lot of people, particularly men, don't really get is that a handsome face and good body don't necessarily make a man sexually attractive to a woman. I've met many men that had great physical appearances, but who I was simply not sexually attracted to. Lack of chemistry.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

saradffy said:


> I will keep this as short as possible. So i met my now husband around 4 years ago. It was not love at first sight or I never felt a connection, but he was attractive and I liked him. I guess we kinda just stayed together because I liked him and we had fun together. Even throughout our relationship I questioned my feelings but I still stayed with him. He proposed and at the time everything was good so I said yes. We got married, and I still have second thoughts. I married him for the wrong reasons. He has a great job, attractive, super likeable, etc. I figured I would have a great life with someone I liked. I recently woke up one day and I just can't do it anymore. I have tried to love him the way I should but I'm mentally exhausted. I feel like I am wasting my life, but I don't want to feel like this.It is now at year 4 and I can't stand being around him. He feels like my brother/best friend and thinking about sex with him makes me cringe. I realized now I made a big mistake. I don't believe in divorce, but I need some positive insight if our marriage can get better. Can my feelings change for him? They weren't that strong to begin with, but at one point I did want to marry him, etc. If anyone can give me some positive feedback about love and feelings and marriage that would be great. I don't have anyone to talk to about this.


Pretty simple really. Quit being a coward and admit to him your true feelings. Give him the information to make decision based on facts, not the person he thought he was married to.

You married him not because of your feelings of love and devotion to him. You married him because he would make a suitable fixture in your life and what he could provide. That's a really big slap in the face.

Now go on and fess up to him.

He will find another woman that loves him as much as he loves her. Then you will be welcome to do as you please.

Better yet, send him here and I (along with others) will set him straight.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> I read it as she isn't sexually attracted to him.
> 
> 
> 
> Something I think a lot of people, particularly men, don't really get is that a handsome face and good body don't necessarily make a man sexually attractive to a woman. I've met many men that had great physical appearances, but who I was simply not sexually attracted to. Lack of chemistry.


Every woman is different and has her own unique taste. Ever single one. No two women are alike in their likes and dislikes. We men, on the other hand, are a mile wide and an inch thick. We'll bang any woman with a pulse as long as she's vaguely attractive and has some enthusiasm. We make do with the cards dealt us. 

I consider myself to be uglier than a mud fence, but I have had girlfriends who tell me I'm very attractive and who obviously were into me. I don't know why because I just don't see it. But they saw something that turned them on so I went with it.

And then I've had women avoid me like I'm a pile of stinky Surstromming.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Every woman is different and has her own unique taste. Ever single one. No two women are alike in their likes and dislikes. We men, on the other hand, are a mile wide and an inch thick. We'll bang any woman with a pulse as long as she's vaguely attractive and has some* enthusiasm.* We make do with the cards dealt us.
> 
> I consider myself to be uglier than a mud fence, but I have had girlfriends who tell me I'm very attractive and who obviously were into me. I don't know why because I just don't see it. But they saw something that turned them on so I went with it.
> 
> And then I've had women avoid me like I'm a pile of stinky Surstromming.


Just the bolded is good!


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm going to be the party pooper. I have a pretty selective set of criteria in a woman. I would be extremely selective about where I chose to drop my fishing pole, so no, I'm not gonna bang anything until they have passed my criteria.

Just saying.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Has some cute guy noticed you at work or the gym or something?


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Windwalker said:


> I'm going to be the party pooper. I have a pretty selective set of criteria in a woman. I would be extremely selective about where I chose to drop my fishing pole, so no, I'm not gonna bang anything until they have passed my criteria.
> 
> Just saying.


Standards are good!  They demand respect. If you have standards, you are telling the world how you feel about yourself...that you are confident in who you are and know what you deserve. In my humble opinion, there is nothing sexier than standards.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Saraffy, I think you should examine the reasons you don't love him. Is sex unfulfilling? Is there no communication? Do you no longer have fun together? Does he compliment you or does he criticize you? You only tell us how you feel about him, or don't feel as it were, but you don't tell us much about your relationship. 

I can't help thinking he's not all that into you either and may have married you for the same or similar reasons that you married him. Or, he does love you but just doesn't know how to garner love from a woman? He might be a nice but bland kind of guy, whereas you need more than that. Love has to be cultivated and nurtured.

Yes, your feelings can change. And yes, your marriage can be better. However, if neither of you are making effort to cultivate love, then love can't blossom. You have to first stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about him. Then, do the things for him that you would want someone you love to do for you. Ordinarily, he will then feel compelled to reciprocate. Trying to make yourself love him cannot work because you can't force feelings you don't have. But you can make yourself do things for him in order to garner HIS love, and he will in turn make effort to garner your love. If he doesn't, then you'll know he pretty much shares your same feelings. But remember my first suggestion to examine the reasons that you don't love him and work on those. For example, if sex is not sexually satisfying, then tell us why that is, and perhaps we can offer some tips to help you help him in the bedroom. Or, if there is lack of communication, maybe we can help the two of you communicate better. Please be specific.

But yeah, your marriage can get better and your feelings for him can improve significantly if you work on garnering love. Did you know there is an exercise that makes complete strangers fall in love? It's called the 36 Questions to Fall In Love. It's supposed to be a 45-minute exercise, but many couples take up to 2 or 3 hours, so don't rush the process. At the end of the Q&A session, the two of you are supposed to stare into each other's eyes for 4 silent minutes. 

Schedule an afternoon or evening together and try this. Your feelings for each other will definitely improve because you both take the time to be honest and vulnerable with each other.

After doing this exercise to cultivate your feelings, and hopefully love for each other, then work on nurturing the relationship. The 40-day Love Dare can help tremendously with that. The premise that the Love Dare teaches is the meaning of unconditional love, which is not that you love someone regardless of who they are, what they do, or how they treat you, but that unconditional love means you love without conditions, meaning you don't expect the other person to reciprocate. Love is not a tit for tat proposition. You think of the other person as having a great level of importance in your life and do things for them without expecting them to do things for you in return. You can do the Love Dare as scheduled over the 40-day period, or, in your case, you can decide to stretch it out a little bit and complete it in 60 or 80 days. Just remember you are to do these things without expecting him to reciprocate because you're doing the Dare to nurture his love and that reflects back onto you.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I meant to add the you can ignore the religious references in the Love Dare if you are not religious. It's not just for religious people because the principles are universal and anyone can easily do the dares.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

No kids?

Do the right thing and say goodbye now. As for not believing in divorce, do you believe in making this nice guy's life a living hell for the next 20 years?

As for cringing when you think about sex with him...he'll feel the resentment, the neglect and he'll see the diversion. And, that will send him into depression eventually, or at least to read--along with me--reddit's deadbedroom subtopic. I know whereof I speak.

The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference.


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## saradffy (Mar 28, 2018)

I just want to take the time to say how grateful I am for your message. I came here looking for help, and you gave me great suggestions. I am going through a really hard time and it's making me depressed. If you have any other advice or personal experience you would like to share I would highly appreciate it.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Windwalker said:


> I'm going to be the party pooper. I have a pretty selective set of criteria in a woman. I would be extremely selective about where I chose to drop my fishing pole, so no, I'm not gonna bang anything until they have passed my criteria.
> 
> Just saying.


After a few drinks, your selective criteria widens a little...


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

saradffy said:


> I just want to take the time to say how grateful I am for your message. I came here looking for help, and you gave me great suggestions. I am going through a really hard time and it's making me depressed. If you have any other advice or personal experience you would like to share I would highly appreciate it.


We sure can! We need the answers to some of the questions though, like what it is that turns you off about him. Don't hold anything back in the answers. That could help us and you find out what the root is here but sadly, someone else could have nailed it as well, if you are someone that is in high demand in terms of attention, both you get it easily and you desire it, it's going to really impact your marriage and how you treat and think about your husband.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

If you believe in good, by default you believe in evil. The same goes for marriage. If you believe in marriage, you believe in divorce. You have but one life here on this earth, if you truly feel you are wasting it be being married to this man, you owe it to yourself to divorce him. You also owe him honesty. So go to him, tell him how you feel, that is the least you owe him.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> After a few drinks, your selective criteria widens a little...


That's a possibility.

I don't drink in public. If I drink, I drink in private, which is rarely.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Saradffy, so tell us what you have decided to do, what suggestions you're going to try. If you want to respond to a particular member, click the black "Quote" button at the bottom of their response, then add your reply underneath their words you are quoting. I offered some suggestions for working on your marriage and to help you and him fall in love with each other. Quite a few people suggested you leave him, and some suggested you tell him how you feel. We can't tell who or which of those suggestions you were referring to so please let us know what you have decided to do.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She is not going to answer any questions. 

I’m not going anywhere else with this thread except to say. You married a man you didn’t love and you are about to destroy his world. Choke on that for a little, maybe you can find a way so it doesn’t hurt him so bad when he finds out you don’t love him.


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