# i'm not doing well



## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

I've suffered from anxiety and depression since I was a child. This was aggravated from ignored learning disabilities and made worse by an abusive and neglectful father.

I'm married now and I'm trying to be a good partner to my husband but whenever something goes wrong I feel like crumbling and pray I don't wake up.

I'm on meds and looking for a therapist but the day to day problems are getting to me.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Enchanted:
Please tell your spouse (if you haven't) and get a therapist today!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Is it posible the meds are making you feel worse right now? Or maybe you need a medication adjustment? Hopefully a therapist can be of some help, meds alone never work.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Enchanted:
> Please tell your spouse (if you haven't) and get a therapist today!


My husband knows. I know I need to start calling therapists but it's hard when you're not motivated.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

trey69 said:


> Is it posible the meds are making you feel worse right now? Or maybe you need a medication adjustment? Hopefully a therapist can be of some help, meds alone never work.


Meds are so much easier to get and control than a therapist.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

When I have to tackle something that's much bigger than me, I usually get a notebook.

Start calling therapists. Use one page for each office. Write down their number, name, credentials, specialties, phone number, when you called, who you talked to, what their rates are, how far away they are and their hours, also what sort of insurance they take and sliding scale possibility if that's an issue.

Leave space for if they call back.

Make a plan to visit at least three different viable therapists before making a decision for any specific one.

This will put you in the driver's seat.

The notebook will give you both a feeling of accomplishment as well as physical evidence that you are doing something to help yourself out.

You can also flip to the back of the notebook and start keeping a journal of your daily life including sleep, food, and anxiety meds and triggers/attacks/feelings.

This will be useful for the therapy visits.

You CAN do it. You have to show yourself that you care deeply about addressing your issues. Never mind that your parents didn't do it, they were human, maybe they didn't have the skills or the know-how or they thought you'd grow out of it or it was the school's problem or you weren't acting out so it wasn't an issue or they were just told that more discipline was the solution and so they went way too far with that. You can never tell about those pesky adults that used to be in control of your life. To be honest, most kids keep a lot of secrets, we think that when we were young we were as transparent as our kids are to us today, but often we were not. Kids with problems often bury them deep. Adults then have no clue. Not making excuses, just saying that some of us weren't really good at looking for help as kids, we were mostly interested in escape and hiding. Now you have the opportunity to do everything for yourself that you wished a caring adult would have. That's all good! Because you can.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Enchanted said:


> Meds are so much easier to get and control than a therapist.


Meds are also a temporary fix. They are not the solution alone, They are a band aid. To be able to be truly helped one must find a good therapist and begin the work that needs to be done.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

trey69 said:


> Is it posible the meds are making you feel worse right now? Or maybe you need a medication adjustment? Hopefully a therapist can be of some help, meds alone never work.


:iagree:

Sometimes they can make things worse.....I was having a lot of anxiety and my MD gave me Klonopin same as Xanax, only time release, they made the anxiety go away , But caused me to became terribly depressed. 

see a therapist.....best wishes and hang in there!


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

i have the same issues . I have been in therapy for few months and i was hoping i would see results very soon. Im back where i first started. Waste of money.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> When I have to tackle something that's much bigger than me, I usually get a notebook.
> 
> Start calling therapists. Use one page for each office. Write down their number, name, credentials, specialties, phone number, when you called, who you talked to, what their rates are, how far away they are and their hours, also what sort of insurance they take and sliding scale possibility if that's an issue.
> 
> ...


I do tend to blame my parents for a lot of the problems I have. Some of the problems I have aren't their fault but a lot is. They were my role models and they didn't have healthy behavior.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Jamison said:


> Meds are also a temporary fix. They are not the solution alone, They are a band aid. To be able to be truly helped one must find a good therapist and begin the work that needs to be done.


I know. But the process is too overwhelming right now. I tend to dislike all my doctors. However, I do like my psychiatrist; he gives me my script and sends me on my way.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

mel123 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Sometimes they can make things worse.....I was having a lot of anxiety and my MD gave me Klonopin same as Xanax, only time release, they made the anxiety go away , But caused me to became terribly depressed.
> 
> see a therapist.....best wishes and hang in there!



I'm on Xanax XR and it helps. Also, I take Prozac for the depression and obsessive thoughts.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

jane1213 said:


> i have the same issues . I have been in therapy for few months and i was hoping i would see results very soon. Im back where i first started. Waste of money.


I'm not sure how soon results happen. I know with CBT it's suppose to take shorter periods of time.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sorry you're going through this, Enchanted. You've been here before, though. You know these things come in cycles and better moods are going to come. Try not to get frustrated. It's a sickness like any other and it doesn't mean your whole world sucks or that it will never get better. Just means you have Depression and right now you're in a dark place. By all means, talk to the doc about meds, talk to the therapist, but don't lose hope. Be patient with yourself. You won't be as effective or productive when you're in your dark place. That's ok. You're dealing with a serious and common illness and you're still here. That's a pretty huge victory. It's gonna get better.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Sorry you're going through this, Enchanted. You've been here before, though. You know these things come in cycles and better moods are going to come. Try not to get frustrated. It's a sickness like any other and it doesn't mean your whole world sucks or that it will never get better. Just means you have Depression and right now you're in a dark place. By all means, talk to the doc about meds, talk to the therapist, but don't lose hope. Be patient with yourself. You won't be as effective or productive when you're in your dark place. That's ok. You're dealing with a serious and common illness and you're still here. That's a pretty huge victory. It's gonna get better.


Thank you for your support unbelievable. I have so many good things in my life but when the depression gets bad nothing seems worthwhile. I'm trying hard to overcome these moods but it isn't easy.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Enchanted said:


> I do tend to blame my parents for a lot of the problems I have. Some of the problems I have aren't their fault but a lot is. They were my role models and they didn't have healthy behavior.


You can re-write that story.
When you were younger, did you have friends you visited whose parents you adored (and envied?) Did you have any teachers or other adults in your life you remember as being kind and caring towards you? Even when your parents weren't acting as they could have, did you as a child think/feel how you would *want* them to be acting? If so, then even thought they didn't act as they could have, you still benefited from the situation by *knowing* what would be healthy, and imagining in your mind how you wanted to be nurtured. Accept that instead of what 'happened.' If you think back, you probably had some really excellent coping mechanisms. I used to read, go into the woods, play piano, do math homework, go out running...


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You can re-write that story.
> When you were younger, did you have friends you visited whose parents you adored (and envied?) Did you have any teachers or other adults in your life you remember as being kind and caring towards you? Even when your parents weren't acting as they could have, did you as a child think/feel how you would *want* them to be acting? If so, then even thought they didn't act as they could have, you still benefited from the situation by *knowing* what would be healthy, and imagining in your mind how you wanted to be nurtured. Accept that instead of what 'happened.' If you think back, you probably had some really excellent coping mechanisms. I used to read, go into the woods, play piano, do math homework, go out running...


Honestly, all the adults in my childhood were warped. My upstairs neighbor (male) use to spend a lot of time with me but warned me when I turned 18 he'd sleep with me. Then I had an uncle who use to come by and bring pizza, he molested me when I was 11. 

It was such a weird childhood. The good thing is I have a very nurturing husband whose trying to give me the childhood I never had. Plus, I'm becoming more sympathetic towards my mom since her childhood sucked as well. I don't want my whole life to be about despair but it takes so much energy to be happy.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> I do like my psychiatrist; he gives me my script and sends me on my way.


Sure but how's this working for you? 

It took me 3 years of therapy to 'cure' my depression but I did it without meds. I saw a therapist who can't prescribe meds. Oh sure she recommended them to me and I tried a few but the side affects were worse than the depression I was trying to fix.

This wasn't easy nor fast. It was a lot of blood, sweat and tears but I did it. I left no stone unturned when it came to beating this. I exercised, changed my diet, did weekly therapy, read 100's of self help books, etc. The key to me was I refused to give up. Even on my darkest days it pissed me off to want to keep fighting.

Everyday I'd ask myself how bad do you want it?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I do believe medications can be very helpful for some people, but sometimes they are to easy to get, and to many doctors prescribe them at the drop of a hat with no real therapy to help with anything else.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Sure but how's this working for you?
> 
> It took me 3 years of therapy to 'cure' my depression but I did it without meds. I saw a therapist who can't prescribe meds. Oh sure she recommended them to me and I tried a few but the side affects were worse than the depression I was trying to fix.
> 
> ...


I'm doing mediation to help alleviate some emotional pain with good results. Recently, I tried going off meds and that was a terrible idea. My dose is small enough that I don't experience too many bad side effects. I'm just not motivated to get a therapist. I'd rather post here on the forum for support.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Jamison said:


> I do believe medications can be very helpful for some people, but sometimes they are to easy to get, and to many doctors prescribe them at the drop of a hat with no real therapy to help with anything else.


I've seen myself off meds and it's pretty scary.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Optimally you'd do meds AND talk therapy. There is a friend I'm helping now who is doing that with good success. It's rough on her I won't lie but she is making progress albeit slow.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Enchanted said:


> Honestly, all the adults in my childhood were warped. My upstairs neighbor (male) use to spend a lot of time with me but warned me when I turned 18 he'd sleep with me. Then I had an uncle who use to come by and bring pizza, he molested me when I was 11.
> 
> It was such a weird childhood. The good thing is I have a very nurturing husband whose trying to give me the childhood I never had. Plus, I'm becoming more sympathetic towards my mom since her childhood sucked as well. I don't want my whole life to be about despair but it takes so much energy to be happy.


Yah, it's tough. But there is no other way. You have to start giving yourself all the support and enthusiasm you didn't get from adults when you were a kid. 

I have this dream that I'm going to go to work and live in Mongolia when my kids are grown up (another 10 years which is a short time period.) It's something I'm enthusiastic about, along with some other things that I do on a regular basis for myself. You know how to survive, but what you need practice on, is not more survival, but how to put the survival on auto pilot since you've got that nailed, and conscientiously and purposefully learn the art of living. It won't come naturally, but the more you do it, the more it will become second nature. You will eventually find yourself in 'the flow' more often than not. It's that place you were constantly in as a kid, and constantly derailed from. Well, there's less now to derail you. Somewhere along the line, you started clinging too much to the straight and narrow due to the de-railing. You have to learn how to have waking dreams. Don't worry, humans are specifically engineered to know how to do this. It's what makes us human. The adults in your childhood, they taught you how to survive, which is not human. You have to take drastic steps to detach your brain from the adrenaline/fear/anxiety system. This means meditation (but not too much), it means lowering your blood pressure, increasing oxygen to the brain (I went vegan), working out to show your adrenaline system you can run/move without it being a get-away maneuver, doing some high-risk things that are 'safe' like snowboarding, indoor rock climbing, etc. Give yourself a lot of healthy adventures and healthy risk-taking and it will engage that adrenaline/fear system so that it cannot be overly concerned about imagined/subliminal fear response. It will be too busy wondering why it's up on a rock wall and it won't know you're safely on belay  This kind of approach is called feeding peanuts to the monkey on your back. You keep the monkey occupied with someone it can understand and likes so that it can't cause trouble for you.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Optimally you'd do meds AND talk therapy. There is a friend I'm helping now who is doing that with good success. It's rough on her I won't lie but she is making progress albeit slow.


I think right now I just need support and validation. I'm sick of wrestling with my demons; I'd rather sit with them and watch a movie.

In the past I did talk therapy (2 years) and it helped. But it took time to get to know the therapist and trust him. I have a lot of trust issues. I wish Spring would hurry up and get here so I can go into the garden and dig in the dirt.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My therapist gave me a survey and one of the questions was "I feel that Dr. so-and-so likes me." I answered who cares if he likes me, I just want him to cure me! Actually, my therapists got frustrated with me and one of them said that the first therapist felt like he never got anywhere with me. I said, well, that's his problem. After I finished with therapy I left my husband, and was cured of codependent tendencies, I'm sorry if he (therapist) felt unfulfilled at his job. ROFL.

Anyway, I got kicked out of therapy eventually because there is no cure for being eccentric and my life became fun for me again. Some people go to therapy so they can deal with things in their life they shouldn't have to deal with, like working an 8-5 job with no prospect of ever going to Mongolia for field work. The thing is, now that I've given myself permission to do what I want in life, I will have no problem working that kind of job, long enough to have money for what it is I want.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> I'm on Xanax XR and it helps. Also, I take Prozac for the depression and obsessive thoughts.


My MD has added Zolft to my Klonopin....Its an SSRI just like Prozac.

So I am taking the same drugs as you are (different brands).. So your not alone.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> My therapist gave me a survey and one of the questions was "I feel that Dr. so-and-so likes me." I answered who cares if he likes me, I just want him to cure me! Actually, my therapists got frustrated with me and one of them said that the first therapist felt like he never got anywhere with me. I said, well, that's his problem. After I finished with therapy I left my husband, and was cured of codependent tendencies, I'm sorry if he (therapist) felt unfulfilled at his job. ROFL.
> 
> Anyway, I got kicked out of therapy eventually because there is no cure for being eccentric and my life became fun for me again. Some people go to therapy so they can deal with things in their life they shouldn't have to deal with, like working an 8-5 job with no prospect of ever going to Mongolia for field work. The thing is, now that I've given myself permission to do what I want in life, I will have no problem working that kind of job, long enough to have money for what it is I want.


What kind of therapist gives his patient a guilt trip???


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Enchanted said:


> I've seen myself off meds and it's pretty scary.


I don't think anyone is asking you to go off meds, I think they are saying meds don't usually help alone, therapy is needed as well.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

trey69 said:


> I don't think anyone is asking you to go off meds, I think they are saying meds don't usually help alone, therapy is needed as well.


I understand, it was stated as a part of another conversation. I probably do need therapy but I'm resistant right now to finding a therapist. I have been meditating daily.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Jamison said:


> Meds are also a temporary fix. They are not the solution alone, They are a band aid. To be able to be truly helped one must find a good therapist and begin the work that needs to be done.


Depends on the brain. If the depression and anxiety are endogenous, then drugs are one of the only solutions. You can't fix chemical problems like depression or diabetes by talking about them. Like type 2 diabetes, chemical problems like depression can also be treated with strict dietary control and exercise, but who wants to put effort into stuff like that? I have video games to play and movies to watch.

Up in Canada, it makes sense to just keep taking drugs for life. Brand name phenelzine is about $1 per day with no insurance. Things like generic fluoxetine are about $0.30 per day with no insurance. I have a job with insurance, so I pay nothing. Free drugs, yo. The other up side is that the drugs work _while_ a crisis is happening. My dad died while I was on fluoxetine, and I felt totally fine. My life didn't stop for a second. Find me a therapist who is skilled enough to make things like death roll off your back immediately. People have said that I _should_ feel terrible, but that never made sense to me. Why would anyone want to feel terrible? If I _want_ to feel bad while taking fluoxetine or phenelzine, I'll cut my wrists or something, but I probably won't do that because I generally don't like feeling bad.



> I know. But the process is too overwhelming right now. I tend to dislike all my doctors. However, I do like my psychiatrist; he gives me my script and sends me on my way.


I've had good luck with my psych too. They seem slightly less retarded than general doctors. General doctors are still under the assumption that the brain is magic. Why does it feel happy? Magic. Why does it sleep? Magic. What would cause a brain to feel lonely even when surrounded by loved ones? Evil magic, possibly demonic possession! The psych is less retarded and would say "You're being retarded and irrational because your serotonin is low. Take these drugs and you'll be normal again."


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## Monet19 (Jan 19, 2013)

Enchanted said:


> Meds are so much easier to get and control than a therapist.


You need to be careful with your meds, some won't make you feel better but worse. It's an individual thing and a balancing act, you need to get the type and dose just right for it to work. You need to be very aware of whether they are helping or not...if they are not making you feel better, you need to switch to a different type or different dose. That's where a psychiatrist is essential. You should not be taking mood enhancing meds without a professional monitoring the side efects.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Monet19 said:


> You need to be careful with your meds, some won't make you feel better but worse.


The best advice is that you should do your homework. Read wikipedia, look on forums, see what people are saying. There's a big depression forum with thousands of posts you can read. There's also a social anxiety forum, schizophrenia forum, ADD forum. Check what people are saying about drugs. On the social anxiety forum, I found that the reviews of drugs were incredibly accurate. The ones rated 5/5 really are great, and I've used that as a guide for drugs to ask for. One of the drugs I asked for was so obscure that the doctor had not prescribed it in more than a decade. It turned out to be the perfect drug. 

Another thing is that doctors, especially US doctors, will often push newer drugs that are still patented because drug companies bribe them. I was looking at Costco's website just to see what drugs cost in the US, and some of them are insane. Example: the antipsychotic Abilify is $32.59/pill on Costco's website; generic is not available. Another antispsychotic called Risperdal is only $0.43 for the highest dose. Guess which one your doctor will give you. Don't get scammed by this crap. Know what drugs are available and have an idea what they cost. Insist on getting something that is off patent. You're already feeling like crap, and the last thing you need is some doctor ripping you off with drugs that are literally 76x as expensive.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Monet19 said:


> You need to be careful with your meds, some won't make you feel better but worse. It's an individual thing and a balancing act, you need to get the type and dose just right for it to work. You need to be very aware of whether they are helping or not...if they are not making you feel better, you need to switch to a different type or different dose. That's where a psychiatrist is essential. You should not be taking mood enhancing meds without a professional monitoring the side efects.


I've been seeing the same psychiatrist for five years. I know the combination that works but sometimes I get this idea that I'm "all better" and don't need meds anymore. Untrue. I'll always need meds.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...exercise is also good - particularly on a rigid schedule. (Seriously, the effect makes psychiatric studies hard because it is too big.) Rigid schedules help in general, as does regular sleep.
...dunno...if you've found a stable prescription that actually helps...that's a good thing. Congratulations!! Took my wife about 4 years to get to that and some of the other combos were really, really bad. Y'know, unless there's a real reason to change, I'd be inclined to stick with something that works.
...for talk therapy, you mentioned borderline tendencies in another post...DBT might be helpful. That's CBT** + mental health skills class. And, it works. Typical treatment time is about 3 years for a very significant improvement, but YMMV.*
...oh...and don't be surprised if a therapist vents. My wife's first therapist believed he'd been better off being born a dog. Our many MCs held on until they could no longer bear her presence - and then typically stopped seeing us after shouting fits. They were all pretty good people. Therapists are just people who've chosen to earn a living listening to unhappy people. It isn't always an easy job.
...finally...if you need help finding a therapist...you could try sitting your husband down and asking for help.
'I'm sorry. I'm feeling really depressed and having trouble handling life right now. I don't want to burden you, but I can't handle this on my own. Is this something you can help me with?Please help me find a CBT therapist and a DBT group. Here's our insurance information. This is urgent, so please call 3-5 therapists and set up appointments for me. I know you're busy, but I'd really be grateful if you were to help me out now.'

--Argyle
*If cost is an issue, 'Get me out of here, a borderline's guide to recovery' is a good book - similar to the DBT skills workbook, but 1/5th the length and less academic. Depends on how you prefer learning.
**CBT seems to actually be effective sometimes. Better to learn new behaviors than to dredge up the past endlessly - most of us can do that on our own.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

argyle said:


> ...exercise is also good - particularly on a rigid schedule. (Seriously, the effect makes psychiatric studies hard because it is too big.) Rigid schedules help in general, as does regular sleep.
> ...dunno...if you've found a stable prescription that actually helps...that's a good thing. Congratulations!! Took my wife about 4 years to get to that and some of the other combos were really, really bad. Y'know, unless there's a real reason to change, I'd be inclined to stick with something that works.
> ...for talk therapy, you mentioned borderline tendencies in another post...DBT might be helpful. That's CBT** + mental health skills class. And, it works. Typical treatment time is about 3 years for a very significant improvement, but YMMV.*
> ...oh...and don't be surprised if a therapist vents. My wife's first therapist believed he'd been better off being born a dog. Our many MCs held on until they could no longer bear her presence - and then typically stopped seeing us after shouting fits. They were all pretty good people. Therapists are just people who've chosen to earn a living listening to unhappy people. It isn't always an easy job.
> ...


Argyle this is amazing advice. I have a gym membership and I do go but not enough. I'm going to increase my exercise routine so I don't have too much time to think.


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