# Husband just left, he is confused, advice please.



## Insecure wife (Mar 19, 2013)

My husband just left me and our 2 little boys, ages almost 6 and almost 4. He's been gone for almost 4 days. We have talked on the phone. We met last night to for him to finally open up to me. We. Have been married for 7 years, together 8. 

He says he's not happy. He said he started feeling this way about end of summer last year. There has not been one sign of him being unhappy until a month ago, when he finally told me. I asked if there was another girl and he said no. We just bought our first home, did major renovations to it, then in the middle of it, he got promoted to this new position.

The new position is completely different than what he has been doing for 11 years. 

Fr the last month I've been working on the things I knew I needed to change in myself. We have been incredibly intimate with each other. We have made love like never before, 5/6 days out of each week since the first convo happened a month ago. He told me he felt it was the only thing that was right, right now. 

I have through this month had gut feeling there was something else. I ended up finding out this weekend that he has been going to lunch with a female coworker. Looked at our phone records, making calls to her on it randomly in the last 2 weeks. Last night I asked him questions about her. Asked him to answer honestly. Do you have feelings for her...No. Have you touched her, has there been any physical touch...No.. Are you attracted to her...Yes. He says all they do is go to lunch, he has no desire for another woman right now. I asked if he came home would you walk away from that situation, he said no. She has been the only person that he has felt comfortable talking with.

We met to talk last night, my mom flew in to help me and take care of our boys. He opened up, he has never been good at all at communicating his feelings, he is selfish, not really helped too much when it came to the care of our children. So he started talking. We were kind to each other, honest, no yelling. Towards the end of the convo, it got a little angry and heated but not bad. He just keeps saying he is so confused with he is feeling.

He says I don't want to come home, and work on things only for this to happen again in 6 months. I don't know if I want to work, I don't know what I want. I'm so confused. He got emotional. I said to him, that the things that have become issues in our marriage are all things that we can get work through, it is about working together, putting the effort in to change. 

We had our kids, and I put everything into them. He is selfish by nature. Slowly but surely, we just stopped being respectful of each other, yah, we had lots of happy times in between too. 

He said that she is just a friend, and it sucks that because she is a girl, it looks bad. She is the one telling me to go home and fix my marriage and family. I'm not sure i believe that. They only go to lunch. His coworkers have told him to stop it. 

S here I am obviously heartbroken. I feel in my heart our issues are totally things we can work through and learn to respect each other again. But I believe because of this girl giving him the attention, and he doesn't know how to deal with his emotions, he is choosing not to come home and work on things. I think he is taking the cowardly way out.

So I asked him about a legal separation last night. He said we don't need to talk about that tonight. I told him, I need to know what to say to our boys, they thought you were coming home tonight. This was all just smacked in my face a month ago, with no signs ever you were unhappy. You have continued to treat me lovingly, talk about our plans of the future in the house. Just 2 weeks ago, you said, hey, we need to call dad to have him start drawing up plans for the backyard. I need to protect myself and the boys with how you chose to handle things.

He talks about our future all the time, the way we have been connecting sexually the past month has been so loving, passionate, etc etc. he doesn't know how to deal with his emotions. And here I am to pick up the pieces at home and with our children. 

I have to find a way today to tell the boys daddy isn't coming home right now,I don't know if he will. 

Advice please.... Thank you


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## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

About the girl... 
Clearly the attraction is a factor. But sometimes it is a wakeup call rather than the reason.
I'm not saying ignore it, but... When my exhusband had an affair and left, I kinda hated that other woman, but I was also really sad that he didn't have that kind of connection with me. Yet, I knew he hadn't had that connection with me. It felt horrible, but I also loved him, and had difficulty being angry at the fact that he found that connection.

For you.. I dunno. 
If he is telling the truth, a thing I have difficulty expecting from anyone anymore, then councelling is my first suggestion. My second is... see if you can both come together in a safe environment (with councellor? in a starbucks with others where you have to behave), each have a few thoughts prepared... you get to tell him what you need - some sort of a label to know/understand what is happening, a plan to move forward even if loose... he gets to tell you what he needs - some space to think, an option to come home... and then put time limits on some of the scary ones... okay, he can do this, have his time to figure **** out... but... one month, and then we have to have solid labels... a plan... to either separate, separate and work on it, or just start getting on with the horrible inevitable...

I'm sorry that this isn't more comprehensive. I hope it helps a little. 
For the record, I do believe it is possible to love 2 people at the same time and be really confused about it. It sucks that this is happening to you.


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