# How to show support for spouse



## FromNeptune (Apr 22, 2008)

When one spouse from time to time faces situations (not involving other spouse) where there is no clear solution or out at the moment, and there is significant stress, frustration and anger coming from the situation, (this is not having to do with drugs, alcholol, losing a job, committing a crime) regardless of specific details, the result is the spouse feels lots of stress and guilt. 

It is clear that we cannot expect our spouses to solve our problems or situations. However, are not our spouses there for support even when there is no complete comprehensive understanding the reasons for the situation. 

With this background, how does a spouse show, verbalize, express support for the other spouse?
1. Lecture (from a distance across the room from to the hurting spouse) about how not to get into this situation.
2. Ask questions WHY the spouse did this or that, and WHY didn't the spouse consider another choice.
3. Tell the spouse that they are always misunderstanding what others say and make more out of the situation than they should.
4. Sit closer to the hurting spouse so there can be some reinforced touching (not intimate or sexual touching) while talking about the matter.
5. Possibly even a hug or two when sensing the other spouse is really feeling the stress from the situation.
6. Possibly while giving a hug, express some gentle words like "I am trying to understand, these things happen, I don't have an answer, but together we'll get through it. I'm here right beside in in this" 

This is a real life situation between two spouses and your responses will be appreciated.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Reassurance of your suppport... Empathy is huge, really try to understand and say so, and if you can put yourself in their shoes to imagine how they must be feeling, say it, verbalize it. I don't think a lecture is going to help... unless the spouse has done something wrong. (It's very hard to answer such a vague question without any details). 
Definitely sitting closer and being closer with the spouse in general. If they are stressed try to help them destress and unwind at home, a date night wtih fun would help. Distractions, so they don't overthink the situation would help. Again its very hard to offer specific advice without knowing what you are offering support about... different situations may call for different things.... as an example, a grieving spouse requires something different than a spouse who is stressed with some sort of financial loss.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> 4. Sit closer to the hurting spouse so there can be some reinforced touching (not intimate or sexual touching) while talking about the matter.
> 
> 5. Possibly even a hug or two when sensing the other spouse is really feeling the stress from the situation.
> 
> 6. Possibly while giving a hug, express some gentle words like "I am trying to understand, these things happen, I don't have an answer, but together we'll get through it. I'm here right beside in in this"


 These are absolutely perfect examples and the correct resonse...these will bring understanding, a feeling of love & concern washes over us and we are more willing to openly talk , even though we got ourselves in a "pickle". A feeling of..."we're still in this thing together". Genuine support when needed. 

The 1st 3 examples will only put up defences, a break down of communication, blaming and everything that is not good, a path that will cause more of a divide.


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## FromNeptune (Apr 22, 2008)

Thanks a bunch for taking your time to respond. Agree, it is hard to comment without more specifics. At the same time, it is hard to condense a variety of situations. The list of response options are real life in the marriage relationship between my wife and myself. I am very much Irish and no problem talking and can talk about my feelings-not to get attention or hooorah from crowd but it helps me to talk out something heavy that has happened. I am willing to acknowledge my role and accept responsibility for what I have done, i.e. I am not a quick finger pointing person. But there are times when a situation has happened that was very stressful, sometimes I lose my cool (don't hurt anyone) and I hurt afterwards and talk about it. My wife normally will follow in general the first 3 options, not exactly word for word but the general idea from the options. But I recongnize this is her upbringing. She is from northern Germany, raised in a family of 3 girls, no boys and a mother who was very dominate especially toward her husband. I don't ever remember observing in the time we were dating and married in Germany and around her family frequently of her mother expressing positive, encouraging remarks to her girls. She could find fault but that was the extent. She treated her husband the same. I use to think to myself, "what a poor man," having to put up with such criticism. But seems it is coming around again.

Again, I listed the options just to try to be more objective at first.

Thanks again.


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