# money, money, money



## mackeral1 (Oct 30, 2009)

My husband and I have been married almost four years and we have two children between us. One is mine from a previous relationship and the other is ours together. I stay at home with the kids and he is the one who works outside of the home. He makes good money and we can live off his paycheck alone. We have decided to keep our seperate bank accounts and not share one together. He puts all of his pay check into his account and I do not get any of it at all. Since he has all the money he writes out all the checks for the bills. I have maybe two bills a month that I need help paying, one is for the chiropractor and the other is for my daughter from a previous relationship. As soon as I get the bills for my things I go to him let him know what they are for and how much they are. Most times they never add up to more than $100.00. He always tells me that he just spent X amount of money on bills and so he doesn't have the money right now and I need to wait until next pay check. Well next paycheck comes along and when I remind him of my bills he yet again gives me the same story, I spent X amount of money on bills and I need to wait till next paycheck. Eventually he pays my bills but that is months down the road when they either start adding up because of interest or because they have sent me several notices about it. I love my husband more than ever but sometimes I have doubts as to whether he loves me all that much or not if he puts my needs aside. We have had several talks about this but I always end up looking like the bad guy in the situation or like a money grubber when I am not at all. How do I get him to realize I should be apart of the bills he pays every month and not just something he has to do to avoid conflict with bill collectors?


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

ask him to put a small portion of his pay in your checking account (like $25/week). then when the bills come in, you pay them.

the amount is small so it won't hurt to do it on a weekly basis and then you have control over paying these bills.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Perhaps he doesn't value what you do as a SAHM. This doesn't seem like an equal partnership. How do you even buy groceries? Or he does that too? Are you getting child support on your daughter? If he won't agree to work out a fair arrangement, you may want to see about a part-time job.


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## mackeral1 (Oct 30, 2009)

Some times he thinks all I do all day is watch tv and yell at the kids. Equal is not part of his vocabulary as far as I can see. When it comes time to buy groceries we go to the store together and he pays for them but if I want to add something to the cart it has to be approved by him or he makes me feel guilty for buying it even if he says I can have it. I am supposed to be getting child support from my daughters father but he never keeps a job long enough and the court system won't do anything about it. I would go and get a part time job but he makes that hard for me too. He wants me to have a job where I go to work after him so I can cook his lunch plus make his work cooler wash him work clothing and not have to send the kids to day care. And if I found a job like that and had to send the kids to daycare I'd have to pay for that out of my paycheck so I'd be making no money so I'm kind of SOL.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

If you are basically living paycheck to paycheck you are putting yourself in a financially untenable situation. Your only options are cut down on expenses or find ways to bring in extra income.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mackeral1 (Oct 30, 2009)

We are doing well financially. We are not living paycheck to paycheck. I feel like I am living with a guy who is like my money is mine and if you need any go get your own or live with it. How do I talk to him and get him to realize that he knew he had to share when he decided to marry me or he was thinking she is easy to push around I can make her do anything.


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

mackeral1 said:


> We are doing well financially. We are not living paycheck to paycheck. I feel like I am living with a guy who is like my money is mine and if you need any go get your own or live with it. How do I talk to him and get him to realize that he knew he had to share when he decided to marry me or he was thinking she is easy to push around I can make her do anything.


Why are taking care of his stuff? - cooking lunches, his work clothes etc - if he isn't taking care of your stuff? - your bills, spending money etc.

I think you really need to convince him to manage money jointly. You could tell him that since he wants to keep your money separate (him controlling it all) that you will start dealing with household chores separately as well. Just do stuff for yourself and the kids. Why should you be making his life better if he doesn't treat you as an equal. Let him do his own laundry and cooking.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Money equates to power, and power equates to control. That's pretty how it works in this society. You are in the distasteful position of having to depend on your spouse for your very survival. And he knows it. He also enjoys being in the driver's seat.

You say you love this man. That's fine, because you live with him and see his good qualities too. However (and you knew a "however" was coming, didn't you?), I'd sooner live in a pup tent and eat mac n' cheese everynight than ever grovel to a man again for money.

Been there, done that, bought the teeshirt, and took it back to the store. It was demeaning to me. And I think my ex got some sort of kick out of seeing me squirm when he paid the bare minimum on my gas credit card, or paid the card at the last possible second.

If you can live with someone determining what you buy at the grocery store, that's okay too. That comment had blood spurting out of my eyes, but I don't take well to a man telling me whether I can buy decent two-ply toilet paper or the cheap one-ply stuff. 

I don't eat rib eye steaks, and I am very mindful of everything I purchase at the store, but if I couldn't get a box of granola because "THE BOSS" didn't think I needed it, I would be asking myself what I needed to do to get off from under being the child in what is supposed to be an adult relationship.


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## mackeral1 (Oct 30, 2009)

I just don't understand why it is so hard for him to share. Some times I feel like I am not living with a husband but a child I have to take care of. I know there is good in him. His parents had the same thing happen to them that we are going through and he told me that he would never let that happen to us and yet he is modling right after them as to what they did and it upsets me very much. I do things for him because I love him he does things because he doesn't want people to think bad of him. I don't know what I can do to get him to realize that what he is doing is wrong. Some times I feel as though he only married me because of our son we had before marriage. If he really loved me he would make sure my and the childrens needs were met first over his own and we are second rate to him. I need some way to find out if he really does love me without coming right out with it.


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## oneonone (Sep 1, 2011)

Chelhxi said:


> Why are taking care of his stuff? - cooking lunches, his work clothes etc - if he isn't taking care of your stuff? - your bills, spending money etc.
> 
> I think you really need to convince him to manage money jointly. You could tell him that since he wants to keep your money separate (him controlling it all) that you will start dealing with household chores separately as well. Just do stuff for yourself and the kids. Why should you be making his life better if he doesn't treat you as an equal. Let him do his own laundry and cooking.


:iagree: RIGHT ON! He sounds very selfish and like a control freak. I could never live like that. That is just not appropriate. You should have a say so in how the money is spent. It is not just his money. It's yours too if you both made the decision for him to work and you to stay home caring for him and your family. Marriage Counseling is in order if you ask me. Doesn't sound like he respects you enough to listen to what you think. Get him to listen to someone else and that might help.


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## oneonone (Sep 1, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Money equates to power, and power equates to control. That's pretty how it works in this society. You are in the distasteful position of having to depend on your spouse for your very survival. And he knows it. He also enjoys being in the driver's seat.
> 
> You say you love this man. That's fine, because you live with him and see his good qualities too. However (and you knew a "however" was coming, didn't you?), I'd sooner live in a pup tent and eat mac n' cheese everynight than ever grovel to a man again for money.
> 
> ...


very good response above...I totally agree here. Something to think about.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He is being an ass hole. Sorry to be blunt.

You are being walked all over.

As you are married everything he earns is also your and vise versa.

It is never ever a good idea not to have any idea of the finances for either sex. He could rack up dept or any number of things and you would have no idea.

The money should be worked out together.

I personally would not trust him at this point, and he is not behaving like a loving caring husband.


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

Mackeral1, you married the wrong man. He is a selfish controlling person that really needs a maid more than a wife. He makes 100% of the money which means he can take 100% of the control. When he married you, he also agreed to take on your load. He cannot pick and choose the components of your life that he likes. You and your stuff are a package deal. He does not respect you nor does he value what you value. You made a huge mistake marrying this man, and men like him rarely change. I would start investigating an end-game move...oh wait! That takes $$$ and you have none...he has you stuck and you are stuck for sure. I have three daughters and he is the last type of man I'd want them to marry. I will be married myself April 2012, and if I were like your husband, the best thing my fiance should do would be to leave me ASAP! I'm sorry you are with a selfish, selfcentered, control freak...I hate to not end in a high note, but men like that almost never change.


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## freshstart (Sep 1, 2011)

Makaral, I applaud you for asking for advice instead of taking things in your own hands. I hope you ignore the negative comments being posted about your husband, that doesn't help you at all. it only causes more problems if you let it. My advice to you is sometimes you have to make a POWER move with your spouse, something they would never expect you to do. I believe you should let him know that you are getting full-time job (even if you aren't) and start going on interviews. Tell him you will put the children in daycare/school and you will still prepare his lunches and stuff the night before. tell him why you want to make that decision because you feel like he has so much responsibility and you want to contribute with things so he doesn't have everything on his shoulders including the money you need for the chiro and your child. Hopefully he will see that you are serious and you are not willing to wait on his money anymore. Finally, I will say that if that's the biggest problem in your marriage just paying a bill late each month, you guys are doing great.


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

freshstart said:


> Makaral, I applaud you for asking for advice instead of taking things in your own hands. I hope you ignore the negative comments being posted about your husband, that doesn't help you at all. it only causes more problems if you let it. My advice to you is sometimes you have to make a POWER move with your spouse, something they would never expect you to do. I believe you should let him know that you are getting full-time job (even if you aren't) and start going on interviews. Tell him you will put the children in daycare/school and you will still prepare his lunches and stuff the night before. tell him why you want to make that decision because you feel like he has so much responsibility and you want to contribute with things so he doesn't have everything on his shoulders including the money you need for the chiro and your child. Hopefully he will see that you are serious and you are not willing to wait on his money anymore. Finally, I will say that if that's the biggest problem in your marriage just paying a bill late each month, you guys are doing great.


This advise won't work because it is based on a lie, and it is not real. Often people will avoid the "negative" bacause they wrongfully think being negative or being told negative things is bad. These people are mistaken, and ignorant. 

First off, getting a full time job when one has young kids at home is a selfish thing and it does not put the children at the highest priority. I would ignore such feel good, manipulative advise that is a lie and is not real. Better to go with real, and sometimes that means listening to negative talk.

Don't be optimistic. Don't be pessimistic. Be real. See things as they really are.


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## mackeral1 (Oct 30, 2009)

I appreciate all of the advise and last night I had a talk with my husband and he told me that he feels pressure being the HOH. He feels like all he does is work and has nothing to show for it except the fact that his family is happy and healthy. Shouldn't he be glad of that? He wants for us to be equal partners but it is hard to do with the kids right now. We discussed that I should get an allowence for a while until I start working when the kids are in school full time. We will find out soon enough if he is willing to give me the allowence or not but I feel he is. If not you will know about it soon enough plus I will be taking a little vacation with the kids to make him realize that he needs us.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sex in a marriage is very similar to money.
It can be something that the wife "gives up" only when absolutely necessary after making the husband wait a certain number of weeks, or it can be shared with the idea that each partner's sexual needs will get met. In other words, if he wants to manage his money a certain way, you can manage your sexuality the same way. And tell him why.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

mackeral1 said:


> He makes good money and we can live off his paycheck alone. We have decided to keep our seperate bank accounts and not share one together. He puts all of his pay check into his account and I do not get any of it.



You and he decided to have separate bank accounts. Why when you don't have an income.? No money is going in, so why have one.

WE= meaning you two talked about it and agreed. You had your say.

With no job where did you think your income would come from :scratchhead: Of course he puts HIS check into HIS account, who wouldn't. Why would he give you money, or allow you to spend from HIS account when you two agreed on separate bank accounts.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

mackeral1 said:


> If he really loved me he would make sure my and the childrens needs were met first over his own and we are second rate to him. I need some way to find out if he really does love me without coming right out with it.



Needs, or wants.? He is meeting needs. You have a home to live in, clothes to wear, food to eat, utilities. Do you have a car and does he? Who pays for the gas in your car, the upkeep?

What you are lacking, is your wants being met.


Now you are taking a vacation :scratchhead: but you have no money. Who's paying for it? Perhaps, husband?

You want him to realize he needs you. That game will blow up in your face. He knows you are coming back. He will enjoy his alone time, his quiet time, and when you return you will have the home to clean. 

For some reason I don't see this guy being a bad guy.


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## slavemom (Aug 25, 2011)

mackeral1 said:


> I appreciate all of the advise and last night I had a talk with my husband and he told me that he feels pressure being the HOH. He feels like all he does is work and has nothing to show for it except the fact that his family is happy and healthy. Shouldn't he be glad of that? He wants for us to be equal partners but it is hard to do with the kids right now. We discussed that I should get an allowence for a while until I start working when the kids are in school full time. We will find out soon enough if he is willing to give me the allowence or not but I feel he is. If not you will know about it soon enough plus I will be taking a little vacation with the kids to make him realize that he needs us.


All he has to show for it is that his family is happy and healthy? That sounds like something to be thankful for to me. 

Did you ask him what else he expects from being the HOH? Maybe he feels like you two don't have enough couple time? My own husband and I are working on some issues at the moment and that seems to be one of his complaints so I thought I would pass it along. 

But that he won't even pay your bills which total $100 or less a month is unacceptable. I'm sure you earn more than that by all the things you do for him. I know if my husband had to pay someone else to do all the things I do he might not be able to afford it. At least my husband has sense enough to realize it so money is not an issue with us. 

It is a good point you brought up earlier about the child care. I know a lot of people say SAHMs should just go get a job if they need money. But it's not always that easy. Childcare for two young kids can be expensive, add to that all other work related expenses and unless she gets a really good job there is not always much left when it is all said and done. 

I agree with the previous posters that maybe you should cut back on the things you do for him if he can't mange to do some things in return. Washing his clothes and running his errands should be worth at least $100 a month.


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

4sure said:


> Needs, or wants.? He is meeting needs. You have a home to live in, clothes to wear, food to eat, utilities. Do you have a car and does he? Who pays for the gas in your car, the upkeep?
> 
> What you are lacking, is your wants being met.
> 
> ...


Really? Really? It is exceedingly obvious that this husband is a controlling insensitive a-hole. As a man, and future husband, I would never treat my wife like this guy does his. He is a prick and why this wife wants to somehow win him over is beyond me...why is she wanting something with such a control prick? Now THAT is a more important question...don't tell me it's because of love...that's BS and as anyone in the know will tell you, love is never, ever enough.


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## wild_irish_rose (Aug 6, 2011)

mackeral1 said:


> I have maybe two bills a month that I need help paying, one is for the chiropractor and the other is for my daughter from a previous relationship.


I find it interesting that you say he has a problem paying for a bill for your daughter that isn't his. Does he also give you a hard time about paying for costs associated with your other child? Does he treat your daughter differently from your child together in ways other than this? Is it possible that he resents paying bills that he believes should be getting paid by your ex-husband?


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