# Married a man. Divorcing an alien



## LostSmile (Sep 19, 2013)

I have been lurking on here and reading peoples stories, I felt like its about time I share mine and hopefully gain some outside perspective and support. 

For starters.. I am 27, married for 3 years in December, no kids. We moved across the country for my husbands job two years ago. We struggled in the beginning.. One car, one income, isolated from our family, no friends.. It was tough. 

Fast forward a year later.. My husband says, "I don't know if I want to be married anymore". He starts going out all the time, not communicating with me at all, basically acts like I don't exist even though we live together. And it seemed so.. Out of the blue. Like one day he just decided this and shut off. We were separated for 6 weeks, he moved out, we went to counseling, it went well and he moved back in.

A month later, I received a settlement payment from a car accident I was in prior to our marriage. I (stupidly) deposited the check into our joint account. I bought a car, a dog, got a job, everything was going really well. Around Christmas time we started trying to start a family. The first few months nothing. Then in March he tells me that he never wants kids ever and isn't happy and wants a divorce. Refuses counseling again. 

So he emotionally abandons me and of course I do the crying, begging, pleading with him to reconsider. He says he is done, he doesn't want to worry about anyone but himself anymore. He says he loves me but our marriage is over he wants a divorce. Right around this time he is diagnosed with fybromyalgia. He is told by a doctor that stress can cause it, so he decides that I gave him fibromyalgia. Oh, and our dog did a little bit too. It's our fault. And kind of his job, but mostly us. This goes on and on. Him being deliberately cold, stopped saying I love you, stopped hugging me, still slept in the same bed but would act like I was repulsive if we touched even accidentally. Would ask me when I'm leaving, why am I dragging this out our marriage is over, he can't stand seeing me, I ruin his life, etc. and then occasionally he would be sweet to my for about 15 minutes.

I finally decided I couldn't like like that anymore. I hired a shipping company for my car, packed my trunk with as much stuff as I could, and then I packed two suitcases and my dog and I flew back across the country to my family. I needed support, I needed love, but it felt so wrong to leave. I felt like I couldn't stay and couldn't go back. 

Two weeks after I got back, I suffered a miscarriage at 11 weeks. Horrific, and that's all I will say about it. My husband said to me "I'm happy you aren't having a baby anymore" the day I was released from the hospital. Who the f says that. Who says that?????

I went in a tailspin for about a week, texting and calling him like crazy. So emotional, so sad, so incredibly alone, how could he not care. To which he responded with, I am ruining his weekends and trying to make sure he has no fun. And that I'm making his life miserable from all the way over here.

I finally told him enough, don't call me, don't text me, I will do the same. If we need to communicate, email only. Goodbye forever. The next morning, he texts me "good morning lost smile". We just talked about not talking less than 10 hours ago..? I didn't respond.

He will be back here in 2 months and wants to file for divorce when he gets here, I said ok. 

Since we stopped speaking I feel a little bit more free. I am not watching my phone for texts or calls from him and wondering when he will contact me. But my mind always wanders to.. Why doesn't he? How can he throw it all away? How can he be okay with this? I just don't get it. I really don't. This is not the man I married. And a part of me feels so incredibly okay with divorcing him now because I didn't agree to marry who he has become. An alien has replaced his heart and soul and mind with this cruel, cold, mean thing disguised as him.

I wrote so much. I guess all I am looking for is someone to say.. I have been there and you will be okay. I try to tell myself that this was the best thing to happen to my life because now I am free. So how can I be so sad sometimes? I made it 8 whole days without crying. I don't think I have gone that long since March.

In need of some positive vibes my way tonight. Thanks :/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. But it seems that getting free from him at this point is a blessing.

People change, or they just start to show who they really are, after they are settled into a marriage.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Alien indeed. Divorce. Sorry about the lost baby. Good riddance to him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

Don't know what to say that can make you feel better except that many people on this board are going through the same thing.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sorry you're going through this LS. I suffered a miscarriage at 10 weeks so I know what a nightmare that can be. It takes a while for the pain to ease.

It is horrible the way your husband is acting right now. It is like they turn into totally different people. They don't resemble the people we fell in love with or married. It puts us in a strange position because we are left to figure things out and move on, while they seemingly have no problem doing the same thing.

Just try to take care of yourself. Focus on you and have as little contact as possible with him. It really does help. Keep posting here, this is a great place to vent and get advice from wonderful people who are going through the same or a similar situation as yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

At 27, no children, and only 3 years invested in this marriage? Oh yes! run, no, sprint with it! As fast as you can. This is not a man you want for a husband, nor as a father of your future children. If your actually crazy enough to stay with him. Just think about what the next 20 or more years will bring with him? Heck! im even getting chills even thinking about it.


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## LostSmile (Sep 19, 2013)

Thank you for your responses. 

The sad thing is, in my mind I KNOW I don't want that life.. I don't want to struggle for love from someone. I don't want to beg. To plead with someone to show me that they love me, to make me feel loved I'm his WIFE.. We used to be best friends. Now he's a complete stranger. 

But my heart just says why why why.. How can he just.. Throw me away? How can he be so cold? And cruel. His lack of emotion, compassion, and support is downright cruel. How can he do this and why doesn't he want to fix it? How can he be so okay while I feel like my life is imploding. 

He wasted so much of my time. We were only married for 3 years, but he has been in my life for 7 years. All of my twenties. So much wasted time. It enrages me he did this. I am so angry. So hurt. 

He told me he lied about wanting kids so I wouldn't leave him sooner, but he knew the day would come where he would have to tell me and he just thought he would deal with it then. But earlier this year we were trying to have a baby? 

It makes me feel so crazy. Was I in denial for years? Is this who he has always been and I just didn't see it? Or did he change into this person? How do I ever move on from this? How can I ever trust someone not to do this to me when I whole heartedly trusted him not to. How do people get over this??? And why the f do I even care that he's gone. Oh my heart


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry you've had to join us here, LSmile. His cruelty is mind-boggling. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. I had one, too, and his response...wow. 

Are you in any kind of IC? It might help to have some professional perspective, to see signs you might have missed along the way or just to help find some coping skills to get you to the other side. It sounds like his cruelty won't be stopping any time soon, so it's likely you'll be faced with it again during the D process. 

It is jarring to realize how many years you lived with someone in your life, just to end like this. Yes, you are young, but that doesn't mean this doesn't hurt. Some people really are disordered in such a way that they present a facade to 'get' someone, then once they have that someone, the mask drops and they let the real person show. And it's not pretty. 

I'm glad you're no longer contacting him. Please keep that up, for your sake. You might get the urge to reach out, but resist it. Write out what you want to say in a journal or talk about it here. Many of us have gone through this and we understand.

It will take a while to trust again, but remember, he's one man. They are not all like him. This will probably change the amount of trust you put in someone, and how much time it takes to put that trust in him, but really, that's not all bad. You can guard and protect your heart without closing it off.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Dear LC ~

I am your prime example of what would have happened if you stayed married to him.

I am happy that you are getting away with just 3 years under your belt as I have been emotional abused for 30 years and didn't really know until things escalated 4 years ago.

The words and questions in your posts were the exact same things that I discussed with my Psychiatrist this morning.

How can he be so cruel? So cold? Say mean things to me? Not touch me in bed? No affection? Dismiss me? Ignore me? 

Oh, the list can go on and on. It is a horrible situation to be in.

I am giving you the same advice as the Psychiatrist gave me today:

Get away from him. 
He is destroying your self-esteem and soul.
He is bad for you.
Get a good attorney.
You will never understand him.
He cannot be changed.
Concentrate on yourself.
Don't keep in contact with him.
Let him go before he takes more years away from you.

So, LC don't live the misery that I did. Get away. Run. Surrround yourself with your family and dog.
Don't look back.

Promise me that you will get rid of him? 

Very Hurt


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## LostSmile (Sep 19, 2013)

I am in counseling. It helps, I guess I am just having a hard few days. Sometimes I get caught up in "woe is me" and I'm just really sad this is happening.

A friend of mine still lives near him, she told me he was over her house (her husband and mine are best friends) and he told them he misses me a lot. He also said he knows he ruined our marriage. I know it shouldn't matter, but for some reason it just makes me so upset to know. It didn't have to be this way. I begged him not to do this.. To just stop all of the crap and invest back into our marriage and stop pushing me away. 

he kept saying the only way he can be happy is if we are divorced. This isn't the first time he became obsessed with some idea that would make him happy. It is a cycle for him. When we first moved out to California, he said all of his friends had dirt bikes and he needed one to be happy. So instead of using our tax return for a down payment on a car for me, he bought himself a dirt bike. A few months later he said he was unhappy again. Before I recieved a settlement from a car accident, he would say he was only unhappy because I didn't have a job and we didn't have a lot of money. So after I got the money, I got a job, a car, and we had a lot more money. So I thought that would solve the problem. It didn't. He said the only way he would be happy was with a divorce. Now we are separated and when we were speaking to each other, he was still very unhappy. His most recent pursuit of happiness includes him quitting his current job, moving to San Francisco, going to art school and becoming a stand up comedian. I wish I was making this up. 

A part of me really feels like a failure as a wife. I couldn't keep my marriage together. I often find myself wondering what it was I did that made him not like me so much. I wonder how I will ever be comfortable enough to be myself around someone again, the rejection has destroyed me. 

While we were living together and he was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, he went to counseling. He was seeing a counselor and not a doctor. The counselor recommended that he see a doctor for a proper diagnosis, she said he was showing strong signs of a personality disorder and she believed he needed more help than she could give. He immediately stopped seeing her and never went to a doctor. Because she did not feel he was a danger to himself or others, she would not talk to me or anyone about what "signs" she saw. So another part of me feels like I abandoned him when he needed someone. But he was so adamant that he didn't need me. It has been such a hard place to be in. 

Do you think I did the right thing by leaving? Would you have left?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Before you even mentioned what his counselor said, I was thinking the same thing. There is something wrong with him -- more than fibromyalgia. IF (and that's a big IF) he goes into intensive therapy, it will take a lot of work and a lot of time before he's ready to have a healthy relationship -- if he ever is. It says something for the counselor that she was able to pick up on it, many times therapists and counselors don't pick up the traits because they aren't present all the time. 

I am now divorced from someone with (at the least) very strong personality disorder traits. I didn't know about PDs until after he left me and I was in therapy putting my life back together after years of emotional abuse. Without intensive treatment FIRST, l would not recommend ever trying to reconcile with him, even if he comes back to you now and begs you to. This can be part of the cycle with someone with a PD -- you are this month's motor bike -- the thing that he's sure will make him happy.

You did the right thing by leaving -- in fact you are saving your life, and I"m not saying that lightly. If I'd truly known what was going on with my Ex, I would have left. He was diagnosed with depression and OCD, which are more easily treatable, and I chalked his behavior up to that, and kept trying to take care of him, even though he was slowly killing me. And I'm not being hyperbolic or dramatic -- living with him caused me to want to die.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Yes! You did the right thing by leaving. Cut him out of your life. You are young and will meet someone that will fill your life with the love and joy that you deserve. When that person comes along, you will be so thankful that you got out of the relationship with your now husband. Don't second guess yourself, you absolutely did the right thing!!


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## LostSmile (Sep 19, 2013)

I heard from my same friend.. She said he also told her that he needs to start dating to get over me. I don't know why this makes me so upset.. But I am crying. We haven't even filed for divorce yet how can he want to date?? I'm literally sick to my stomach. I wish it didn't bother me. I don't want to care anymore!!!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

LSmile, it's really difficult when you have loved someone like this, because you expect them to take the break-up of your relationship the way you are. They aren't equipped to, but it still hurts you. It's going to take a while for you to get on the other side of this. I've been moved out from my ex for over two years; we got our D this year on Valentine's Day. Yesterday, a couple things happened that again illustrated that he just doesn't have the empathy or decency that he should. I logically know this. I've known it for a long time, but it still knocked me down a bit because he's really the only person in my life who is like this to me. And I have to keep in contact with him because we have a son. Don't be hard on yourself. It's natural to be hurt by hurtful behavior, no matter who it's from. But the best thing to do is detach your emotion from him as your spouse as much as you can. 

He is looking to date because he sees people as things to make him happy, to satisfy him, or to make him feel better about himself. It hurts us because we don't see other people that way, and we take these actions personally. Really, this is about him, not about you at all. It's when I forget this that my Ex's actions bother me.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

Sounds like this guy is so self absorbed he cannot begin to empathize with your feelings-its all about me-way too many people here have been caught up with these types, myself included. 
I know your going through a tough time now, but the old cliché of time heals all wounds is true-it truly just takes time.
You sound self defeating -yeah be glad you don't have to start over in your in mid forties with three kids. Your still quite young-make the most of your life!


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## LostSmile (Sep 19, 2013)

As sad as it sounds.. I'd rather have kids to keep me going than the nothingness I have now. 

I met up with some friends tonight and laughed with people other than my parents and sister for the first time since I moved home. It was nice, but reminded me of the daunting task of finding someone that I feel comfortable with. I still feel so.. Not myself. Uncomfortable in my own body. My sadness makes me wish I could crawl out of myself. 

I had my first "what are you doing back here?" Conversation tonight... And I all I could say was I'm going through a divorce. A couple people asked why. How do I answer this? In this situation I said.. For so many reasons.. I didn't agree to marry the person I am divorcing. What do people say? What do I say? It's weird for me. I'm here because im getting divorced because the person I married is f'ing crazy?? And then they say I'm sorry.. How are you doing with everything.. How do I say, better when I don't talk about it? Do I say.. Heartbroken, how would you be? I know they mean no harm but it seems so... I don't know, a personal question for someone I haven't seen or talked to in 4 years. 

Someone told me tonight after I said I'm getting divorced, that I'm the strongest person they know. Why do people say this. It's like they are highlighting the fact that I'm the person they know that has gone through the most bs and is still alive. I do not want to be this person. I really don't. Do I say thanks? Do I say... I'd rather not be? How unfortunate for me? I wish I knew something appropriate to say. I wish I could say that is literally on my list of the last 5 things I want to hear seconds before I die. The strongest person they know. I want to be the one person they know with the perfect happy life they want. Not the person they know that has experienced all of the bad crap they couldn't imagine going through.

I did get some real laughs in tonight and I'm so very thankful. I was told I was beautiful by friends that I know care about me. It was so nice. A part of me is really scared I'm going to fall for the next person that makes me feel loved since I've been missing that feeling for so long. How do people distinguish between real love and admiration disguised as love? Or lust? I feel like I can't trust myself to know anything anymore. I can't trust myself to even pick what to eat for dinner. I just go back and forth. Should I get this. Or this. Or this. Or I just don't know, this? Someone decide for me. It annoys me that I feel like I can't make decisions. 

I had been going to counseling twice a week, I think I need to go back to that instead of once a week like I'm doing. If you pray.. Please pray for strength for me in this time. I could sure use some :/


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LS it is way too early to start worrying about the next person who will be in your life. Take this time right now to get to know yourself. As time goes on you will be able to trust yourself and your judgement. I know because I can feel myself beginning to get to that place. I'm far from there but moving in the right direction. You will someday too.

Your story about your first night out and dealing with friends and family sounds very similar to mine. I was so uncomfortable my first time going out with people I knew since childhood (but had lost touch with while i was married) I cried before I left the house. I almost didn't go. I'm so glad I did though. Now I look forward to meeting up with them. It has helped me move on.

As for the compliments and making people laugh, same here. I started to become my old self again, a person people liked. It may be the same thing for you. Your "old self" is making its way to the surface again. 

I used that attention as a motivator to start to feel good about myself again. You should do the same. When people tell you that you look good, take it as a compliment. Realize how much being married to stbxh changed you, and not necessarily for the better. If you can make people laugh, consider it a big plus. Let that part of you come out and shine through. I love when people laugh at what I say, it's a confidence booster.

When people say your strong, believe it. People are not lying to you, they just see what you can't right now. You are strong. Tell yourself that every day, several times a day.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> Now we are separated and when we were speaking to each other, he was still very unhappy. His most recent pursuit of happiness includes him quitting his current job, moving to San Francisco, going to art school and becoming a stand up comedian. I wish I was making this up.


No doubt he has routine about not being happy...



> I wasn't happy so I told my wife, Honey, let's move to California.
> 
> Once we got settled, I just wasn't happy. I told me my wife that all my friends had dirt bikes and so I got one with the money we were going to use to buy her a car.
> 
> ...


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

LW, when you write it out like that, it sounds strangely like my Ex, too. On his 3rd 'career' and he just turned 35.


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

LostSmile said:


> Thank you for your responses.
> 
> The sad thing is, in my mind I KNOW I don't want that life.. I don't want to struggle for love from someone. I don't want to beg. To plead with someone to show me that they love me, to make me feel loved I'm his WIFE.. We used to be best friends. Now he's a complete stranger.
> 
> ...


I had a Walk Away Wife as of June 2nd of this year, just that morning she told me that she loved me and kissed me as she left for church, I never heard from her after that to this day. I have asked her numerous times not to tell me that she loves me without really meaning it. I am getting the same treatment as you are, the NO communication, cruel and cold treatment. My wife went running back to mommy because money was a little tight.

I have unanswered questions as to why she left but as a LBS we are left holding the broom to sweep up the mess that they left. I am 3.5 months into my separation and by no means is it over but it does get easier. 

Just six months ago we were discussing having a child as well. We were just waiting on my health insurance to kick in at work then she pulls this crap. How can you go to wanting to have a child with the man you love to abandonment?


I wish TAM had regional meet and greets for us to get together and help us get our minds off of our marriage problems.


LS, I wish you the best and always know that we are here for you


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

LostSmile said:


> The counselor ...said he was showing strong signs of a personality disorder and she believed he needed more help than she could give.


LS, if your H does have a PD, the two that may come closest to what you are describing are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and NPD (Narcissistic PD). Whereas a full-blown narcissist is incapable of loving anyone and is emotionally stable, a BPDer would be capable of loving you (albeit, in an immature way) and would be emotionally unstable.

I caution that, if your H really does have strong traits of a PD, as the counselor suggested, those traits would have not disappeared for three years and then suddenly appeared recently. Rather, they would have disappeared only during the courtship period because his infatuation over you would have held his fears at bay. Hence, if he has strong traits of a PD, you likely would have seen warning signs starting right after the wedding, if not before.

Of course, you cannot diagnose your H's issues. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the warning signs for various PDs by simply reading about them. That's why hundreds of hospitals and mental health centers place descriptions of the symptoms for each PD on their websites. They do this to educate the lay public about how to recognize these warning signs (i.e., PD traits).


> He immediately stopped seeing her and never went to a doctor. Because she did not feel he was a danger to himself or others, she would not talk to me or anyone about what "signs" she saw.


Therapists generally are loath to tell a client -- much less his spouse -- the name of his disorder when he is high functioning with strong traits of BPD. And this likely is also true, to a lesser extent, for NPD, Antisocial PD, and Histrionic PD. Hence, when a person suspects her spouse may have one of those PDs, I always encourage her to see HER OWN psychologist -- for a visit or two by herself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what she is dealing with. 

This information is routinely withheld because it is not in the client's best interest to be told. One reason is that, on receiving such a diagnosis, the PD sufferer almost certainly will immediately quit therapy. If you are interested, I identify several other reasons for withholding this information in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-official-im-getting-divorced.html#post811909. It is important to seek an opinion from a professional who is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not those of your H. Consequently, relying on your H's psychologist for candid advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on his attorney for candid advice during the divorce.


> He was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.


A few studies I've seen suggest that there is a correlation, or comorbidity, between somatization disorders like fibromyalgia and most Axis II disorders. These include Borderline PD, Antisocial PD, Narcissistic PD, Histrionic PD, Avoidant PD, and Dependent PD. See, e.g., Comorbidity of Personality Disorders and Somatization Disorder: A Meta-analytic Review - Springer.

The association of fibro and BPD is discussed in the 2004 Sansone study results at pp. 134-138 of http://www.avoiceformen.com/portal/...sonality-Theoretical-Perspectives-Sansone.pdf. You may want to also take a look at AAPEL - BPD and somatoform disorder.

Because no large-scale study has been done on this issue, there is no hard evidence establishing the comorbidity of fibromyalgia with BPD or other PDs. Although there seems to be connection between the two disorders, having one does not imply you have the other. That is, most fibro patients do not have BPD and most BPDers are not diagnosed with fibro. Anecdotally, I can only say that my exW and her two sisters all have strong BPD traits and all were diagnosed with having fibromyalgia.

LS, if you would like to read about the warning signs for BPD, I list 18 of them in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ried-about-my-son-sorry-long.html#post1297851. If most of the behaviors on that list sound very familiar, you will find a more detailed description of them in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. Take care, LS.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Hear the words of advise from everyone. DO not go back to him.
I am going thru a similar situation, except that I was married for 14 years. I tried to do everything to make my husband happy, (there has to be some sort of codependency on my part).
I am having therapy to deal with my issues and heal. 
I wanted the separation because I felt unwanted, undesirable, and unloved. Plus my self esteem had suffered a lot.
You did the right thing, you are young and strong.
THis is going to be a difficult process, you will be sad, feel guilty, feel like a failure, but you are doing this to save YOURSELF!
One day, you will be okay. It is normal not to be fine right now.
It is normal to have all these emotions.
Just yesterday my stbxh called me and said he felt free now because he had become someone he didn't like nor recognized while being with me. He also told me he never really wanted to marry me in the first place.

Good luck to you, you will emerge a strong, independent woman. Seek help, discover yourself and God Bless.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

LS,

Read what Uptown posted carefully and come back to it on a daily basis.

Your description of your husband fits the Cluster B personality quite well.

I'm in my early 30s and like you, wasted my entire 20s (12 years) on a person unfamiliar with empathy, love and loyalty. I too lost a much wanted baby to that evil girl. She aborted our child at 3 months pregnant without giving a crap about how I would feel. I still have trouble accepting someone could be so cruel.

I'm here to tell you that I'm 3 weeks post-divorce. Thanks to this forum, lots of research on personality disorders and patience, I've finally started to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep posting here and feel free to PM me if you want to discuss details that you may not feel comfortable about here.

If you rack up a few more posts, you'll be able to see my long thread in the private section. You'll probably appreciate the similar experiences we've had in 'extracting love out of cold stone' in our prime years. 

Hang on. You'll make it past the hump. There really is a hump. Keep moving towards it without fear. There's a life after all this BS you've been dealing with.


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## LostSmile (Sep 19, 2013)

Thank you for all of the responses and information. I forgot to add this piece which will make me look less blind to "the writing on the wall" for the past three years. For my husbands job, he was sent to a few different schools around the country. We were apart for the first 11 months of our marriage. We would see each other every few months for a weekend. When we were living apart, I worked full time and went to school full time. I had my own car and my own friends. I didn't bring my car with me when we moved because we could not afford to ship or drive it, along with the cost of moving everything else. So something had to stay behind and my old car was what we left. 

About 4 months after we moved to California together, he started with "I need a dirt bike because all my friends have one and I will be happy it's all I want" even though he had never ridden one in all of the years I had known him. And then 8 months later we went through our first separation and counseling and now a year later we are here. So that's the timeline of our relationship. 

He called me yesterday restricted. We talked for a little while. He sounded so incredibly sad. I almost felt bad for him. But then I reminded myself (and him) how much it must really suck to always get what you want. He wanted me gone, he should be running in fields throwing flowers around crying in happiness, there's 3,000 miles between us-I've gone pretty far away. He said he missed me. And I said, you miss me so much you are going to start dating though right? And he replied with.. Who said that, I never said that blah blah blah. He said he has no friends anymore (long story short, we were best friends with another couple out there. When my husband decided he didn't want to be married and go out all the time, he recruited his married best friend as his wing man. Fast forward to a week ago- his wife found emails from a dating website, he was sending pics, giving out his number, and trying to meet these girls. Wife forbids him to see My husband outside of their home). So apparently now he has no friends at all. He sold our sectional couch and kitchen table, and said he moved our bed into the living room because he hated being in our bedroom. Seems so odd to me. And he also said he had a "meltdown" at work and they sent him to a different building where he only files papers now. So he doesn't even do his job anymore. 

He then told me he is really upset I am not having a baby anymore and he never said he was happy about it (of course.. Because I could have confused happy with any other word..). And he was mad at me for not telling him when I knew and he didn't understand why I didn't tell him. The reason I didn't tell him was because he spent so much time drilling it into my brain that he never wanted kids with me and I just needed to accept it. So when he is telling me he wants a divorce and is being so deliberately cold, why would I share that with him? It wouldn't have changed a single thing. I left when I did because that is when I found out I was pregnant. I left to have a baby and be surrounded by people who would be happy and make us feel loved. You can only imagine my disappointment when I lost it. I felt like I had nothing left. I had lost my husband, my marriage, my job, my home, and then to lose a baby on top of it was probably the lowest point of my entire life so far. And for him to even try to boo hoo to me that he doesn't understand why I didn't tell him.. Just goes to show he will never f'ing get it. 

He then told me he doesn't want me to be with anyone else. And I said, so you don't want to be with me and you don't want me to be with anyone else.. Where does what I want for myself come into the picture. He said that he needs to figure his life out, he wants to have kids when he is financially stable so they don't have to struggle like he did growing up, and he needs to quit his job. Everything's about him. It's ridiculous. 

He said he will be back here in November and wants to see me. I said it was a bad idea. He also made a comment about the "business like emails" I have sent. And I just told him that I have to keep it business like to protect myself because every time I let him close to me, he hurts my feelings and I can't do it anymore. I'm so so so sick of caring. Of feeling anything. I just want it all to stop. One day he loathes me the next he misses me. I can't take it. Hate me all the time or love me all the time but just stop this. I asked him if he thinks it is realistic of him to ask me to sit around and wait for him to figure his life out. When I know what I want and this is not it. And then I just had to end the call I was crying and upset and just so over talking about the same circle we are going in. 

Sorry for the long rant I had to get that all out lol. I talked about it in counseling today too but I just feel so.. Shaken up by the whole conversation. He says he is completely miserable, yet can't acknowledge that he is responsible for his own misery. He wanted me to leave so he could be happy.. So this is what his happiness looks like I guess. He is just a miserable person. I had wished he really would be happy without me, it would have made all of this worth it in a way.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

As a member of the ex-with personality disorder club let me warn yu, part of the disorder is verbatim - "I don't want anyone but you." "You are my life." "I could be with other people, but I chose you."

Don't fall for it. "Enjoy your dirt bikes and babes pal, I gotta go" should be your mantra.

They are never-happys. You use the word happy, you have a shot without this guy but not with him if he does have a Cluster B or Borderline Personality Disorder.

Take care of yourself, the mind games and I love you, I have to leave you crap literally harms your brain and the way you think when you are with these people.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

LostSmile, listen to the other posters here. They have great advice.

Your STBXH sounds very similar to mine - the never-happy man who can't recognize the value of the love of a good woman. As my best friend told me, you dodged a bullet with this one, honey.

Stay strong, and take the advice given here to heart. We all want what is best for you.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

LSmile, there are things that happen to someone who lives with an SO who has a very strong PD, whether Borderline, Narcissistic or any other one. There is an extremely dysfunctional dynamic that results. You are going through a withdrawal, in a way. Your life for so long has been revolving around what has been going on with him, and now the natural pull is to go back, even when you don't outwardly want to, and when you know it's bad. But the dysfunction is still there. It will take a while to separate your emotions and expectations from what he's actually able to feel and think. You wish you could at least see him happy, so that you'd know there was at least some 'positive' result to all this. But that's just it -- they call them personality disorders (as opposed to a mood disorder like depression) because it is more pervasive; it permeates the entire personality, especially based on the person's view of him or herself. Your husband doesn't even really know who he is or what he wants. That's why he keeps chasing after things and activities and people to make him happy. Until he seeks intensive help, which will actually teach him new ways of interacting with people, dealing with situations that cause him emotional distress, or challenge his self-concept, he will never get better. It is sad, and when I understood this for the first time, there was a real temptation to feel pity for my Ex. 

But, these people are grown-ups. They are capable of knowing what it means when someone tells them that their words or actions caused pain. They are still responsible for not choosing to do what it takes to stop hurting the people in their lives. So, to protect _your_self, LSmile, you must continue to walk away from him. And to work on no longer looking for his reason for doing what he's doing, or wondering if he'll change. 

It's about you, now. It's sad to let go of someone you once loved. When a marriage breaks up, there is naturally grief. But when one breaks up from someone with a PD, there's the added facet of grieving that your life may not even have been what you thought it was. I will never *really* be sure if my Ex loved me, or if he had idealized me as part of the pattern of someone with a PD. I just try not to think about my past with him. All I can be really sure of are the bad times, and the pain. The only really good things I can be sure of are the birth of our son, and that meeting Ex got me to finally move away from my mentally ill mother. That's sad after nearly 16 years from first kiss to divorce decree. But there's simply no point in going over it. That's the point that many of us have to get to in order to have our own lives.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> LSmile, there are things that happen to someone who lives with an SO who has a very strong PD, whether Borderline, Narcissistic or any other one. There is an extremely dysfunctional dynamic that results. You are going through a withdrawal, in a way. Your life for so long has been revolving around what has been going on with him, and now the natural pull is to go back, even when you don't outwardly want to, and when you know it's bad. But the dysfunction is still there. It will take a while to separate your emotions and expectations from what he's actually able to feel and think. You wish you could at least see him happy, so that you'd know there was at least some 'positive' result to all this. But that's just it -- they call them personality disorders (as opposed to a mood disorder like depression) because it is more pervasive; it permeates the entire personality, especially based on the person's view of him or herself. Your husband doesn't even really know who he is or what he wants. That's why he keeps chasing after things and activities and people to make him happy. Until he seeks intensive help, which will actually teach him new ways of interacting with people, dealing with situations that cause him emotional distress, or challenge his self-concept, he will never get better. It is sad, and when I understood this for the first time, there was a real temptation to feel pity for my Ex.
> 
> But, these people are grown-ups. They are capable of knowing what it means when someone tells them that their words or actions caused pain. They are still responsible for not choosing to do what it takes to stop hurting the people in their lives. So, to protect _your_self, LSmile, you must continue to walk away from him. And to work on no longer looking for his reason for doing what he's doing, or wondering if he'll change.
> 
> It's about you, now. It's sad to let go of someone you once loved. When a marriage breaks up, there is naturally grief. But when one breaks up from someone with a PD, there's the added facet of grieving that your life may not even have been what you thought it was. I will never *really* be sure if my Ex loved me, or if he had idealized me as part of the pattern of someone with a PD. I just try not to think about my past with him. All I can be really sure of are the bad times, and the pain. The only really good things I can be sure of are the birth of our son, and that meeting Ex got me to finally move away from my mentally ill mother. That's sad after nearly 16 years from first kiss to divorce decree. But there's simply no point in going over it. That's the point that many of us have to get to in order to have our own lives.


THIS. All of this. :iagree:


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

LostSmile said:


> An alien has replaced his heart and soul and mind with this cruel, cold, mean thing disguised as him.


Sorry to see how much you've been hurt,but it seems like you're detaching somewhat and that is good.My guess is that his disguise was who you thought he was and now you're getting the real deal.You helped him through the rough patch due to your relocation and then he didn't want or need you around anymore.It has nothing to do with you as a person.I've come to know that some people are just no good,hide it well when they need to and damage others in the process.All without giving it a second thought.

You're young and have an opportunity to move forward to a better and more rewarding life.Jump in with both feet and don't look back.In the future,someday,you'll heave a big sigh of relief that you didn't waste any more of your precious years with him.Life is short.It really is.Live the best one for you.Take care.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LS - great vent, it must feel really good to get all that out. That's what this place is for, it's a safe place to vent and get great feedback and advice.

Now please do me a favor, let it go. Try not to spend your precious time and energy on trying to analyze his words. He's a messed up individual who doesn't know what he wants. All he knows is he wants to make you miserable too. Don't let him. Concentrate on you and the great life you will build on your own.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

LostSmile said:


> As sad as it sounds.. I'd rather have kids to keep me going than the nothingness I have now.
> 
> ...
> 
> I had been going to counseling twice a week, I think I need to go back to that instead of once a week like I'm doing. If you pray.. Please pray for strength for me in this time. I could sure use some :/


I understand where you're coming from with this... but if you DID have kids, you would be dealing with this guy for the next 18+ yrs. There are some serious horror stories on here about dealing with Exes and co-parenting.

And you don't have nothing. You have an opportunity that you didn't have before: to start over without this albatross around your neck. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, but this break-up could be the best thing that ever happened for you. You just have to make it into the best thing.

*hugs*


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I wanted to say the same thing as FiP, but I didn't want you to think I was minimizing the loss with your miscarriage. I'm sure that's not what FiP is saying, too.

But I will say this. I wanted to have more than one child. Very badly. Ex and I always talked about having 3. Even though I didn't start trying til I was 37, I got pregnant very easily the first time, and the 2nd time, too, 3 years later. But after that miscarriage, Ex started talking about how having DS was _preventing him from living his dreams_. I thought part of his dream was to have a family. And nobody forced him into anything where my pregnancies were concerned. A few months later, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to not try for anymore kids after that. Not because I was too old or was having fertility problems, but because of his personality. 

And I had to realize that, though it was horribly painful to go through, had my baby lived, he or she would have been a 2nd child going through what DS has gone through (and will continue to go through) having a father with Ex's issues. It will be difficult as it is, having to co-parent one child with Ex for another 8 years. 

Like many things in life, LSmile, there are positives and negatives.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I wanted to say the same thing as FiP, but I didn't want you to think I was minimizing the loss with your miscarriage. I'm sure that's not what FiP is saying, too.


Yes, definitely did NOT intend to minimize the miscarriage in any way.


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## sapphire1 (Sep 24, 2013)

You are stronger than you think. You packed your stuff and left. That takes guts.
Emotionally you're going to be up and down. Things get even more confusing when you talk on the phone, or when the time comes for you to see him again. Your emotions will surface. It takes time to heal, and it sounds like you've already started the process. In the moment of emotion sometimes I forget WHY I'm seperated from my H, but then when I sit back, relax and actually think I come back to "reality" and feel more at ease. You're ok, keep telling yourself that.

He is mean and emotionally abusive, and you don't deserve it. Better to be alone. You are in a better place and rebuilding your life. You're going in the right direction!


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

VeryHurt said:


> Get away from him.
> He is destroying your self-esteem and soul.
> He is bad for you.
> Get a good attorney.
> ...


This!


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