# Gender Differences in Willfully Performing Oral Sex



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

It has been rather apparent that the vast majority of males, as a rule, love receiving oral sex from their partners. But if they conversely stop receiving it for whatever reason, it does not seem to preclude them from continuing to perform oral upon their partner. At least, I know that seems to be the case with me.

Any commentary on that rationale?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Hope.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Great answer, Deejo! Please proceed to the head of the class!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

In my social circle it seems much more men don't want to give oral sex but are more than happy to receive it, and many of their partners continue to give it even though they aren't getting in return although some do stop eventually because they are tired of the 1 way street.

Even just a quick google search of "my husband won't give me oral sex" and you can see that the selfish oral receiver isn't a one gender thing.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

Just stop doing the dishes until the blowjobs resume.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I have seen so many threads here of people, both men and women a like, who say their partner refuses to go down on them.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The problem with blow jobs is that once completed the blower doesn't get to have that lovely erection where she wants it. Conversely, going down on a woman doesn't preclude later penetration.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Who said anything about completion? Or are we just assuming that?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> Who said anything about completion? Or are we just assuming that?


Hmm, I just assumed.

In that case it's a pretty damn selfish person who doesn't do at least some oral frequently. And selfishness is not gender specific.

Do you feel like we, both men and woman, should t have to ask for sexual moves that turn us on? 

I think there is a mistaken belief, and I used to be one, who felt that a blow job had to be concluded in that manner and so I avoided it entirely. Don't know when the light bulb went on that I could go down yet not stay down...


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Oral is far more integral to getting a woman to orgasm and full enjoyment. 

For a man, well we’re going to get there with or without it and once we’ve gotten there, well it isn’t going to last a whole lot longer. 

Therefore, performing oral on a woman is a good way to assure a happy customer and happy customers mean repeat business. 

Performing oral on a man however, is like throwing a couple extra dollars to a waiter that you already tip 20% anyway. It’s nice, but he or she is going to be happy with the 20% itself.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

SpinDaddy said:


> Oral is far more integral to getting a woman to orgasm and full enjoyment.
> 
> For a man, well we’re going to get there with or without it and once we’ve gotten there, well it isn’t going to last a whole lot longer.
> 
> ...


I was going to post pretty much this exact thing.

But I would add that women should know, as should men conversely about women, that enthusiastic oral attention is deeply affirming of your partner. 

Men love their penises and love when their partners also love their penises. Conversely. Women have a bit of a love/hate relationship with their vulvas and vaginas. We love the way it feels and we sometimes love what it means, but that damn mess every month... F*** that man!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I enjoy the occasional gratuitous BJ. It's always good as foreplay, and she gets her oral with multiple O's followed by PiV. Round 2 for me is often a BJ, and I don't feel guilty as she's had plenty of O's by then.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Totally agree with your sentiments, Anon! And yours too, SpinDaddy!


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> But I would add that women should know, as should men conversely about women, that enthusiastic oral attention is deeply affirming of your partner.


*This.* Is oral necessary for a man to achieve orgasm? No. What good oral sex is, and I assume it's the same for women, is a very loving, intimate and pleasurable act of selflessness and worship of your partner. It can be done as a prelude to intercourse, it can be done as a stand alone act... or certainly it can be done simultaneously. It feels great. It's fun. If done enthusiastically (which is more important than skillfully, at least for a man) it shows a man that you enjoy being with him and pleasing him. And any man worth his salt will respond by learning how the woman enjoys being orally pleasured and doing it regularly. 

As to OP's question... I am one of those men who regularly performed oral on my wife and never received it in return. She claims that the act makes her jaw hurt, which I accepted. I suggested we find ways to do it where it wouldn't be uncomfortable - mixing a little oral in with a hand job, only doing it for a short period and not worrying about orgasm, only working on whatever part she could handle and not the 'whole thing'. Gave her books/articles to read, suggested she talk with a friend. Nope. Nothing. Never. 

For years she received regular oral, regular orgasms (often multiple) and took it all for granted. Her weight increased, her libido decreased. As our sex life began to fall off the cliff, I started the '180' stuff. I wanted to see how long she'd go without receiving oral before she'd ask for it or even mention it. I'd often told her in the past that she could have it whenever she wished, as I loved giving her orgasms. Still waiting.

Not ready to divorce, and not realistically ready to cheat/outsource. But at least once a day I long to both give and receive fantastic oral sex. I miss it.


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## Beingpushedaway (Dec 10, 2014)

I've seen it go both ways, too.

I know guys who take pride in their ability to please a woman sexually - no matter how. I've known guys who don't go down on their lady because of irregular menstrual issues. 

I've known ladies that refuse blowjobs and I've known ladies that love to give them - (we will call them married ladies and single ladies).

My wife used to love to give them. Used to do it quite regularly to finish. Would even say "thank you" when she was done. Now wont. Meanwhile I'll go down on her any time. Why is a woman like a wet noodle? They both wiggle when you suck them.

There is an episode of The Sopranos about this topic. There was a negative thing in the Italian Community if you went down on a woman. One of the characters (Uncle Junior) was dating a girl who bragged about how good he was giving oral. Word got back to him and he was made fun of. He ended up dumping the girl for not keeping her mouth shut. I am not sure if there is a cultural connection or not. When I was in high school the old joke was that black men wouldn't go down on women. Sopranos - "real Italian men." 

I may be rambling here, but some guys do and some guys don't I guess.

Oddly, I dated a woman who was divorced. When she was unhappy with her husband (even at the end) she wouldn't have sex with him, but would give him all the BJs he wanted. I couldn't figure out why that was punishment to him.....


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

SpinDaddy said:


> Oral is far more integral to getting a woman to orgasm and full enjoyment.
> 
> For a man, well we’re going to get there with or without it and once we’ve gotten there, well it isn’t going to last a whole lot longer.
> 
> ...


That's a very practical way of looking at it that, IMO, misses the whole point of the thread.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
In my case I enjoy doing oral for my wife because I enjoy her reaction. She enjoys it quite a bit, but its not her favorite thing.

She really hates doing BJs, will do one for my birthday, but that's it. Sad, they are my favorite thing - probably because I can't get them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Which invariably leads to a related quration regarding starting to date a woman. If a man, or even a woman, places a high priority on oral sex(from both the giving and receiving perspective), how does he/she effectively communicate that, more especially if either of them have summarily developed a soft spot in their heart for their perspective partner, and knowing full-well that a marked aversion to oral sex on either of their parts, could well be a deal-breaker?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> Who said anything about completion? Or are we just assuming that?


Someone, perhaps 60 Minutes, the President, Beyonce, could do a great public service by defining this.

A "blowjob" is oral sex on a man to completion.

"Oral sex" is oral sex on a man as foreplay or all oral sex on a woman. Oral sex to completion on a woman doesn't count as anything special since nothing particularly out of the ordinary is involved with "completion" and she's still ready to go for PIV (if not more-so).

I can understand some objections to "blowjobs" since it takes PIV out of the picture and the "completion" is somewhat messy. Also, as a stand-alone, unreciprocated act, it is the ultimate gift.

No blowjobs? Unacceptable, but understandable.

No oral sex??? What's up with that?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> No oral sex??? What's up with that?


High "ick" factor. 

Three engineers were discussing the nature of God. The first said, "When you consider the complex structure of the skeleton and the muscles, it's obvious that God must be a mechanical engineer." 

Said the 2nd: "No. The thing that makes that makes a human being human is the brain and nervous system. When you consider all the electrical signals that must be transmitted and processed, it's clear that God is an electrical engineer" 

3rd guy: "You're both wrong. Only a civil engineer would put a waste disposal pipeline right through a recreational area."


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

One part of a guy being a giver orally to a woman is that the likelihood of having full on sex with her increases dramatically if she likes what you are doing.

At the very least she will reciprocate.

If it is a one-way session?

Then you know you are dealing with a selfish lover.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> Someone, perhaps 60 Minutes, the President, Beyonce, could do a great public service by defining this. . . .


President Clinton already went down that road:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4XT-l-_3y0

CLASSIC!


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Beingpushedaway said:


> I've seen it go both ways, too.
> 
> I know guys who take pride in their ability to please a woman sexually - no matter how. I've known guys who don't go down on their lady because of irregular menstrual issues.
> 
> ...


I actually get this - he doesn't get to touch her. She can detach mentally while she's doing it. She's doing only what's necessary - getting him off.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> Which invariably leads to a related quration regarding starting to date a woman. If a man, or even a woman, places a high priority on oral sex(from both the giving and receiving perspective), how does he/she effectively communicate that, more especially if either of them have summarily developed a soft spot in their heart for their perspective partner, and knowing full-well that a marked aversion to oral sex on either of their parts, could well be a deal-breaker?


Seems that folks can actually have a conversation about it. But this is one of the reasons I like the OK Cupid online dating site. There is a questionnaire and you can indicate how important this is to you.Barring that...conversation either before or after sex, or you see how things go with sex. 

Nothing wrong with saying, during a conversation in which you each ask what you are looking for in a mate, what sexual things are deal breakers for you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do a lot of women have small mouths or get pain in their jaws?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I certainly couldn't afford to pass up this story! Had an older cousin many years ago, when I was in high school, advise us family boys then in high school and college: "Boys? When it comes time to find yourself a gal to settle down with, just be sure that she has small hands and a small mouth. It makes your "yang" look bigger!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> I certainly couldn't afford to pass up this story! Had an older cousin many years ago, when I was in high school, advise us family boys then in high school and college: "Boys? When it comes time to find yourself a gal to settle down with, just be sure that she has small hands and a small mouth. It makes your "yang" look bigger!


LOL!&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Beingpushedaway said:


> . . . . There is an episode of The Sopranos about this topic. There was a negative thing in the Italian Community if you went down on a woman. One of the characters (Uncle Junior) was dating a girl who bragged about how good he was giving oral. Word got back to him and he was made fun of. He ended up dumping the girl for not keeping her mouth shut. I am not sure if there is a cultural connection or not. When I was in high school the old joke was that black men wouldn't go down on women. Sopranos - "real Italian men." . . . .


Curious, although my family is half *** and half Mick, as a young man, an Uncle told me “If you’re good at eating the coochie you will own your woman” and I’ve always found that to be true.


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Do a lot of women have small mouths or get pain in their jaws?


Good question. Leads to other questions. My wife genuinely finds it physically uncomfortable to do. Is this somewhat psychosomatic? Could be, as the 'affliction' seems to only come up or cause discomfort related to the act. She does grind her teeth in her sleep a lot, so perhaps there is persistent jaw pain. Who knows? 

I'd never come across a woman complaining of this before, about giving oral to me or any other man. I know some men complain of their mouth/jaw aching when having ' to do it too long' with a woman. Some women have difficulty reaching orgasm. Of course, some men have difficulty _bringing_ a woman to orgasm. 

Let's assume the discomfort is real in some women and prevents giving a 'traditional' BJ to completion. Someone who genuinely wants to please their partner will improvise, adapt, and overcome - to borrow a phrase. I have on and off bouts with severe arthritic pain and immobility due to injuries/operations suffered as a child. I have never let that keep me from sex. If it keeps me from doing one thing, I'll explain and make up for it by doing another. That's the difference (and the frustration) for me. Creativity and desire will find a way. Apathy and selfishness will find an excuse.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OnAnIsland. My wife grinds her teeth too. She also has a small mouth. We really got into it one time with her getting very hot and aggressive. She ended up with a very noticeable mark/bruise on her lip.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It could be the benefit from performing, I love driving my girl wild and hearing her moan from the pleasure I give her. It's a huge turn on. Maybe conversely women don't get aroused by giving head to a guy? Not to say they mind doing it but maybe the reward just isn't as high?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> It could be the benefit from performing, I love driving my girl wild and hearing her moan from the pleasure I give her. It's a huge turn on. Maybe conversely women don't get aroused by giving head to a guy? Not to say they mind doing it but maybe the reward just isn't as high?


But does it end with this so you are left turned on while she's done? 
IME oral on a woman usually is at the start, then PIV (or something else to finish him) where BJs to completion are more often stand alone with nothing for her. TAM is the first place I have heard of men giving oral as a standalone.

So for myself it would turn me on a lot but I try to shut it off because I know it's just going to leave me frustrated.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> But does it end with this so you are left turned on while she's done?


No, I love doing it for her but it is not a turn on. If I've done it properly for a good long while and she decides she wants PIV there is a minute or two of mental gear changing needed to get with the program on my part cause I am likely to not be immediately ready to go.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Umm... I'm quite happy to give or receive with my SO on a moment's notice... No gender difference here as far as I can tell.

:rofl:


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> But does it end with this so you are left turned on while she's done?
> IME oral on a woman usually is at the start, then PIV (or something else to finish him) where BJs to completion are more often stand alone with nothing for her. *TAM is the first place I have heard of men giving oral as a standalone.*
> 
> So for myself it would turn me on a lot but I try to shut it off because I know it's just going to leave me frustrated.


:iagree:

This has never happened in my 27 years of having sex. My SO loves giving oral, but I doubt it would occur to him to give oral as a standalone though he has received that often.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

But there are a good number of gentlemen, myself included, while on the receiving end of a really good BJ, would much rather finish up PIV, as it just naturally feels so much better. Much more often than not, the only times that BJ's has ever been done to completion, at least on moi, is if my partner is temporarily incapable of finishing me off with PIV because of a latent period or for some other viable reason.

Conversely, the only time that I will ever shirk performing oral on my lady is during her period or infrequent menstrual cycles. Otherwise I absolutely crave going down on her, and with no equivocations whatsoever!


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Well isn't TAM great! I've done this many times as a quickie and loved the look of despair when she realizes the OO is not going to be followed by PIV. I wink and tell her she'll get that later...


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

interesting question...

I go downtown on the Mrs..typically 3 to 4 times a week...before PIV ensues. Sometimes she just doesn't want it...other times..wants it aggressively...haven't noticed a pattern either...random.

She gives me the BJ complete typically twice a day (morning...lunchtime-sometimes and when I get home pretty much every night)...sometimes 3. Not always before PIV though- but always right after...she calls it the cleanup. Which will typically leads to round 2. 

I think I won the wife lotto. She sure seems to love giving BJ's. If we're alone in the car...forget about it. Her record is 7 BJs during a 7 hour road trip. I've never felt so empty in my life. 

I can't recall ever giving her oral as a stand alone...It needs to be put right in after the first O...she is quite insistent about that. 

I would tend to think the most important thing would be to be unselfish in bed...women love to give, which can make things pretty one-sided. Best not to let that continue.

Its worked for me since 1989.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Do a lot of women have small mouths or get pain in their jaws?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I use to have that problem too. 

A good technique includes MANY techniques not all of which include a fully opened mouth.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> It could be the benefit from performing, I love driving my girl wild and hearing her moan from the pleasure I give her. It's a huge turn on. Maybe conversely women don't get aroused by giving head to a guy? Not to say they mind doing it but maybe the reward just isn't as high?


I get aroused by having him in my mouth and sucking on him, but getting him to the finish is more work than a turn-on. Not to say I mind the work but the part that really turns me on is just playing with it with my mouth however I want. I think I have a bit of an oral fetish? I'm more aroused when my clit's being stimulated if I can also suck on something at the same time.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

firebelly1 said:


> I get aroused by having him in my mouth and sucking on him, but getting him to the finish is more work than a turn-on. Not to say I mind the work but the part that really turns me on is just playing with it with my mouth however I want. I think I have a bit of an oral fetish? I'm more aroused when my clit's being stimulated if I can also suck on something at the same time.


My current wife is this way.

ex acted like she didn't like it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening SlowlyGoingCrazy
Except for rare cases of giving a sexual "gift" neither person should ever be left frustrated. If (for whatever reason) the guy finishes first, after he recovers he should find some way to please his partner. 



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> But does it end with this so you are left turned on while she's done?
> IME oral on a woman usually is at the start, then PIV (or something else to finish him) where BJs to completion are more often stand alone with nothing for her. TAM is the first place I have heard of men giving oral as a standalone.
> 
> So for myself it would turn me on a lot but I try to shut it off because I know it's just going to leave me frustrated.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> I actually get this - he doesn't get to touch her. She can detach mentally while she's doing it. She's doing only what's necessary - getting him off.


Strange how this is so different for people.

To many, oral is more intimate. Others (like Clinton), it's no big thing.

To me oral is far more intimate, that's my mouth on her genitals!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

The only time that I can ever distinctly remember refusing my XW's request for a sexual encore was after I gave her an exhilarating "O" through oral, then she got me to Shangri-La via the one-two punch of BJ + finishing PIV; she was so turned on that when she immediately communicated her desire for Big "O"#2, she pushed my face in a Southerly direction for more oral on her right after I had finished up in her.

Sorry, but I just couldn't bring myself to do that!


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> Strange how this is so different for people.
> 
> To many, oral is more intimate. Others (like Clinton), it's no big thing.
> 
> To me oral is far more intimate, that's my mouth on her genitals!


I don't think this is everyone. I think more women are likely not to let you get near them if they are that pissed off, but I can totally see where this was completely lacking in emotional intimacy for her.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Due to prior abuse, my wife won't let me below her 50 yard line.

She asked me what I wanted one time & I said " To see you, smell you, taste you, and feel the texture of your body on my tongue"

It was the wrong thing to say, but I couldn't help but express my desires.


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> The problem with blow jobs is that once completed the blower doesn't get to have that lovely erection where she wants it. Conversely, going down on a woman doesn't preclude later penetration.


Brilliant! I always joke "the worse thing about giving a blow-job is it ruins that magnificent erection!" 

This is such a bummer considering giving one is such a huge turn on! I feel so lucky to feel that way though! My biggest fear is that it'll go away some day but so far (for the last four years anyway, I'm good!)

My darling partner just shakes his head when I thank him for letting me give him a blow job! We typically end up having a thank you contest afterwards! Sometimes I feel so weird.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Joylush said:


> Brilliant! I always joke "the worse thing about giving a blow-job is it ruins that magnificent erection!"
> 
> This is such a bummer considering giving one is such a huge turn on! I feel so lucky to feel that way though! My biggest fear is that it'll go away some day but so far (for the last four years anyway, I'm good!)
> 
> My darling partner just shakes his head when I thank him for letting me give him a blow job! We typically end up having a thank you contest afterwards! Sometimes I feel so weird.


Would having him give you oral sex first and then you give him a bj work for you both. Sounds nice that you are both so greatful for having each other.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> But does it end with this so you are left turned on while she's done?
> IME oral on a woman usually is at the start, then PIV (or something else to finish him) where BJs to completion are more often stand alone with nothing for her. TAM is the first place I have heard of men giving oral as a standalone.
> 
> So for myself it would turn me on a lot but I try to shut it off because I know it's just going to leave me frustrated.


If my Gf had her way every encounter would start and finish with oral. She can't get enough


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Catherine602
Its possible that she enjoys doing it - a lot. Remember, there are people who's fondest sexual wish is to be given a spanking. YKIOK

The question though is whether she REALLY is enjoying it and not just doing it out of a sense of duty. If so, then all is good. 



Catherine602 said:


> Wolf do you mean she gives you bj and gets nothing herself?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> The problem with blow jobs is that once completed the blower doesn't get to have that lovely erection where she wants it. Conversely, going down on a woman doesn't preclude later penetration.


Here's the work around, AP:

First, he goes down on you until you orgasm. Of course, this means that you now need a good pounding, which he obliges until you're satisfied. Last, he gets to stretch out on his back and catch his breath while enjoying his BJ to completion. Everybody happy!




ConanHub said:


> Do a lot of women have small mouths or get pain in their jaws?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have a small jaw, and pain used to bother me. But with "training," I was able to develop and stretch those muscles and it's rarely a problem anymore, even for marathon sessions. 



richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Catherine602
> Its possible that she enjoys doing it - a lot. Remember, there are people who's fondest sexual wish is to be given a spanking. YKIOK


I genuinely like giving oral to my husband, and it's not uncommon for him to get stand alone BJ's. What I really like is for him to _order_ me to give him one. He struggles with doing that with confidence but he's working on it.

Spanking for me + BJ for him=Double win for GettingIt!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hubby and I both love oral, giving and receiving. I LOVE to go down on him...I would do it anywhere, anytime...mmmmhhhhhhmmmmm...yum. The only thing I can't bring myself to do is let him finish in my mouth...I just can't.

Luckily we both love him being inside me and finishing there, so it's not an issue


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Googling 'why won't my husband go down on me' is how I ended up finding this board 18 months ago.

I guess the strange thing about my case is that I gave regular blow jobs (because I wanted to) and had gotten no oral myself for 18 years. Now that I'm getting oral the blow jobs have all but stopped because I realize the unfairness of my previous situation. 

However he's still being stingy with all things sexual. That doesn't help.


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Would having him give you oral sex first and then you give him a bj work for you both. Sounds nice that you are both so greatful for having each other.


Sometimes I truly just want to give to him in a way he can just lay back and relax without having to think about anything other than what he wants to. I go into it with the mindset that it's just for him. It almost always fails because it always turns out to be such an arousing experience for me. It's almost like I feel that I'm doing it to myself. I swear this is the only man I've ever responded to this way. I guess we just have very good chemistry.
He'd gladly return the favor and sometimes I accept but it almost seems unfair since returning the favor does involve work on his part which he's never complained about. 
Typically in those cases I just finish things myself with him lending me a hand, or a finger rather which in my mind is easier for him. I'm glad I'm able to do that with him as a participant/observer and it doesn't take very long because as I said I'm already aroused by then. 
We are very lucky. We're old too so it makes it even more special. I keep wondering if/when it'll fade but so far so good....so very, very good. I love that man.


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Richard
> The problem is no matter what she says, adult relationships thrive on the basis of an exchange of satisfactions. This is true especially in relationships between men and women. Some women get the sexual pleasure they need out of giving bj's, some don't and are left frustrated. The trick is to be able to tell the difference.


Well said Catherine! It's important for the woman to let him know. Sometimes I really do just want to give and not receive for a number of reasons; time constraints, just wanting to save it for later because at my age a day's rest makes the next one even better, etc....my trick is convincing him that it's ok to sometimes just be the recipient. He's such a giver but I know how he feels because sometimes I'm the only one receiving as well. 
Communication really is the key.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Which invariably leads to a related quration regarding starting to date a woman. If a man, or even a woman, places a high priority on oral sex(from both the giving and receiving perspective), how does he/she effectively communicate that, more especially if either of them have summarily developed a soft spot in their heart for their perspective partner, and knowing full-well that a marked aversion to oral sex on either of their parts, could well be a deal-breaker?


If everyone at the table is sexually self-aware, conversations like these are normal and part of what is expected as you move from dating someone toward a relationship.

If it is a deal breaker to you, you need to be able to say it to your partner. I liked Catherine's answer on this, but not all women are going to say "yes, I like it just to box you in". Some will very happily say "yes, I like it" because they actually like it. Or they will say "meh, I'm ok at it, not great, I don't hate it, can we negotiate?"

If you are having a sexual relationship with someone but can't even discuss where your real desires and deal breakers are, then you are cheating yourself and your partner out of having the best chance for a successful relationship. And if you do get duped, that totally sucks...but you should definitely still have the conversation. Topics like this should be open, flowing, evolving, and easy. If you plan to have sex with just one person for the rest of your life, get it out on the table what you hope for and expect out of your current and future sex life. No one else will ever be your agent in this area, we all have to negotiate our best deal possible. That means being able to really discuss the facts with each other.


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> If everyone at the table is sexually self-aware, conversations like these are normal and part of what is expected as you move from dating someone toward a relationship.
> 
> If it is a deal breaker to you, you need to be able to say it to your partner. I liked Catherine's answer on this, but not all women are going to say "yes, I like it just to box you in". Some will very happily say "yes, I like it" because they actually like it. Or they will say "meh, I'm ok at it, not great, I don't hate it, can we negotiate?"
> 
> If you are having a sexual relationship with someone but can't even discuss where your real desires and deal breakers are, then you are cheating yourself and your partner out of having the best chance for a successful relationship. And if you do get duped, that totally sucks...but you should definitely still have the conversation. Topics like this should be open, flowing, evolving, and easy. If you plan to have sex with just one person for the rest of your life, get it out on the table what you hope for and expect out of your current and future sex life. No one else will ever be your agent in this area, we all have to negotiate our best deal possible. That means being able to really discuss the facts with each other.


But hear's the rub.......when I first got into my current relationship I remember specifically telling my partner most woman don't give many blowjobs because frankly they don't like giving them for a variety of reasons. I said that because I believed it. I'd give them but not because I loved them. As the relationship developed I became a woman who loves to give blowjobs. Because now I do. I love giving them to him, because he's him. He's the cleanest man I've ever met for one thing (perhaps he really took to heart the importance of making it appealing), not to mention I absolutely and unexpectedly fell in love with his smell to the point of often wishing he wasn't so darned clean because usually I can't smell anything at all he's so clean and his natural scent is something I crave. 
So with the right person you can learn to love things you'd never thought you'd love based on previous experiences. I know now that if I don't love the way the man smells I'm probably not going to love having sex with him the way I do with this man. 
I'm paranoid getting old because aging changes your smell. In some other languages they even have words for old people's smell. And I surely don't want anything changing!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> Wolf do you mean she gives you bj and gets nothing herself?


She has from time to time. And I have her from time to time


Interesting to me you use the term "nothing for herself". She certainly feels like she gets plenty from pleasing me as I do rom pleasing her.

I feel sorry for people keeping a sex scorebook


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Joylush said:


> But hear's the rub.......when I first got into my current relationship I remember specifically telling my partner most woman don't give many blowjobs because frankly they don't like giving them for a variety of reasons. I said that because I believed it. I'd give them but not because I loved them. As the relationship developed I became a woman who loves to give blowjobs. Because now I do. I love giving them to him, because he's him. He's the cleanest man I've ever met for one thing (perhaps he really took to heart the importance of making it appealing), not to mention I absolutely and unexpectedly fell in love with his smell to the point of often wishing he wasn't so darned clean because usually I can't smell anything at all he's so clean and his natural scent is something I crave.
> *So with the right person you can learn to love things you'd never thought you'd love based on previous experiences*. I know now that if I don't love the way the man smells I'm probably not going to love having sex with him the way I do with this man.
> I'm paranoid getting old because aging changes your smell. In some other languages they even have words for old people's smell. And I surely don't want anything changing!


This is true but...The conversation should still be had, and IF either party really isn't that into any aspect of giving or receiving oral, they should state how they feel at that time, regardless of what may later change.

Your situation was pretty close to mine. However, my current H and I did have the conversation prior to moving further into committment, and I did tell him I wasn't that into it (giving oral). He had no problem with this because the rest of our intimacy was fantastic and he just wasn't that worried about it. But I was honest with where I was at, at that time.

Later I've changed how I feel completely. He's happy about that, but since I may NOT have changed my mind it was important to give my honest answer in the beginning so he could decide if he wanted to proceed or not.


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

I personally don't like him giving me oral. I also stopped liking giving him oral. I used to enjoy it but then he went through a phase where he didn't shower before sex and umm ew it tasted like he just took a dump every time. That ended that for a while. Then when he brought back good hygiene I started giving it to him again but then he pre-cums constantly and it makes me gag, sooooo we're back to not doing it...


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> I get aroused by having him in my mouth and sucking on him, but getting him to the finish is more work than a turn-on. Not to say I mind the work but the part that really turns me on is just playing with it with my mouth however I want. I think I have a bit of an oral fetish? I'm more aroused when my clit's being stimulated if I can also suck on something at the same time.


I think I'm the same way. Whether we're kissing, it's his fingers, his penis, my own fingers... my mouth is usually very busy during sex. Total oral fixation lol.

I like oral, both giving and receiving. I do like to give no-strings, stand alone BJs but he doesn't often let that happen too much, he wants to touch me and make me orgasm too. I am the same way though on the receiving end. He has given me stand-alone oral but it drives me crazy not to reciprocate.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> Are you implying that you feel sorry for me because I expect an orgasm when I give one? Well don't feel sorry for me. It would be too frustrating for me. He does not ask for that.
> 
> Generosity in that area never occurred to me until I read about it here. Some women more giving than me, i guess. He does get unreciprocated bj but it's when I am in the mood. It does please me to see him relax and not worry about me. No scorecard but I appreciate all of the hard work and sacrifice he does for me and the family.
> 
> ...


Nope you suspect wrong. She read my post when I posted. Scorecard was her word not mine I just used it cause I agree with her. IF she was the type of woman who only cared about her own pleasure I wouldn't be with her. If I was the kinda guy who only cared about my own pleasure she wouldn't be with me.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> I feel sorry for people keeping a sex scorebook


I don't think anyone starts a relationship keeping any conscious scorecards. It's just what happens if things are unbalance, sometimes it takes years to not be ok with it. After all those falling in love hormones are gone and your "taker" starts getting annoyed.

It can happen with anything, not just sex. If you are consciously keeping score or not, there's either a balance being maintained or there's a partner that gives more than the other and that person will likely notice eventually and not be too happy with it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't think anyone starts a relationship keeping any conscious scorecards. It's just what happens if things are unbalance, sometimes it takes years to not be ok with it. After all those falling in love hormones are gone and your "taker" starts getting annoyed.
> 
> It can happen with anything, not just sex. If you are consciously keeping score or not, there's either a balance being maintained or there's a partner that gives more than the other and that person will likely notice eventually and not be too happy with it.


Exactly my point. In the grand scheme are you being kept happy and is your partner feeling the same way. If an imbalance occurs, aside for the occasional oops, then one of the partners is selfish. So no I haven't ever and Wouldnt ever keep a scorecard. I work hard to please my partner from the first one I ever had to the current one I now live with. I expect the same. If I felt it was ever one sided then it's time for me to move on. It's about balance.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> Wolf you are keeping a scorecard in a general sense. It's not selfish, it's human nature. In healthy relationship, it's not on an Excel sheet. It's general satisfaction with your partner and the degree to which your needs are met. How else would you know there is an imbalance? Balance requires a scale and scales measure things.
> 
> My point is that the problems that emerge in some relationships is that each person values things differently. Generally, it's along the the lines of valuing what you are doing and not finding out what your partner values. Then there is conflict and feelings of being unappreciated. It's especially a problem when the rose glasses come off.
> 
> ...


 Lol I'm not angy I really have no idea where that's coming from. And we can certainly agree to disagree . I don't agree in keeping score. all I concern myself with is am I trying my best for my partner, is she trying her best for me. I never consider, hey I did this for her so she better do this for me. Not my way of thinking about realtionships at all. Sexual or otherwise. I am well aware that people here condone and enforce using sex as a weapon or as a bargaining chip in realtionship. They are free to do so but I won't live that way and never have. Thankfully no shortage of women who feel the same :smthumbup:


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

You are are wise woman!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> W
> 
> Women have a tendency to give more sexually in the beginning stages of the relationship. That's good to know so that you set up a dynamic that will work long term. The common lament that sex charges for the worse for the man after commitment may come out of this factor.
> 
> .


This is so true. The "scorecard" only enters the picture when someone begins to feel like they're not being cared for as well as they care for others. And I think this is true for both men and women.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Lol I'm not angy I really have no idea where that's coming from. And we can certainly agree to disagree . I don't agree in keeping score. all I concern myself with is am I trying my best for my partner, is she trying her best for me. I never consider, hey I did this for her so she better do this for me. Not my way of thinking about realtionships at all. Sexual or otherwise. I* am well aware that people here condone and enforce using sex as a weapon or as a bargaining chip in realtionship.* They are free to do so but I won't live that way and never have. Thankfully no shortage of women who feel the same :smthumbup:


While this is true, it's not the whole picture.

Take a member posting on this thread who gave her H BJ's all the time...for 18 years while never having an orgasm herself. Her husband never gave her oral. He never sought her pleasure. He assumed whatever he was doing we fine with her. She NEEDED to stop giving him BJ's. Yes, score keeping. Yes, using sex as a bargaining chip. But since he STILL isn't showing any concern for her pleasure it is clear, to me at least, that her deep care and concern for showing her love to him fell on deaf ears.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> The problem with blow jobs is that once completed the blower doesn't get to have that lovely erection where she wants it. Conversely, going down on a woman doesn't preclude later penetration.


That entirely depends on the refractory period of the man involved. 

If the dude can get fully stiff in 10 to 15 minutes, that means she get's to look forward to being on the receiving end oral sex for 10 to 15 minutes before her ride.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Or if her fastidious job of finishing him off orally subsequently causes "Pike's Peak" to wilt, then there's absolutely nothing inherently wrong with making a quick trip down to the "Y" for a fantastic "all-you-can-eat buffet" and get your fill, all while waiting to once again "make things hard on her!"


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think it probably has more to do with who likes sex more. When one spouse is more interested in sex I would guess that they feel it is in their best interest to please their partner as much as possible. They also have more general enjoyment of seeing their partner pleased. 

Women also have the advantage of having both in the same session.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> While this is true, it's not the whole picture.
> 
> Take a member posting on this thread who gave her H BJ's all the time...for 18 years while never having an orgasm herself. Her husband never gave her oral. He never sought her pleasure. He assumed whatever he was doing we fine with her*. She NEEDED to stop giving him BJ's. Ye*s, score keeping. Yes, using sex as a bargaining chip. But since he STILL isn't showing any concern for her pleasure it is clear, to me at least, that her deep care and concern for showing her love to him fell on deaf ears.


Totally disagree ...... She needs to leave him. If you are voluntarily staying in a one sided selfish realtionship then that's on her. Now maybe she doesn't care and just gave oral and didn't care about her own but she found it interesting to complain about it online....I don't know whom you're referrrig to. But I do know that in a realtionship you can only try to change and blame the other person for so long and then if you stay that's on you. 

But never underestimate the power of playing the victim card. Some relish I'm it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I think a "scorecard" is OK but only if it is a very long term one and covers a wide variety of things. What matters is that both partners feel like they are getting all of the love and amount and variety of sex that they want.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> In my social circle it seems much more men don't want to give oral sex but are more than happy to receive it, and many of their partners continue to give it even though they aren't getting in return although some do stop eventually because they are tired of the 1 way street.
> 
> Even just a quick google search of "my husband won't give me oral sex" and you can see that the selfish oral receiver isn't a one gender thing.


:iagree:

This. Truth.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Lila said:


> I think this whole thing boils down to how each person in the relationship views oral sex. Is it a critical ingredient to the cake batter or icing on an already delicious cake?
> 
> For some, oral sex adds extra spice to the sex. For others, it is part of the basics. It's probably worth it to ask this question before committing to a LTR with someone, male or female.


What complicates that is when partner changes their mind and will not explain why or be swayed.

That whole bait and switch attitude towards intimacy some people have.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> Here's the work around, AP:
> 
> First, he goes down on you until you orgasm. Of course, this means that you now need a good pounding, which he obliges until you're satisfied. Last, he gets to stretch out on his back and catch his breath while enjoying his BJ to completion. Everybody happy!
> 
> ...


OK. I have to go there. What "training" can help jaw pain?

Maybe exercising her mouth with a toy?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

For my part. Mrs. Conan gets oral about 99.99% of the times we have sex.

It is usually part of our repertoire and about 75% of my game with her. She also has never had a PIV O even though she really wants PIV all the time. She gets a stand alone performance once in a blue moon, she really does want PIV and has yelled at me, with a smile on her face, to slam it home NOW when I was teasing her for too long.

I have started to change up a little and been more dominant with getting oral from her, I have always been dominant when she and I want it in other areas.

We both liked my approach, I threw a pillow on the floor and had her kneel totally naked and give me oral while I stood.

It really got both of us worked up and hot but she had a hard time going for very long, jaw pain.

It was still a real boost to our session and I plan on doing it a lot more but I am concerned for her discomfort.

Would love to hear some techniques for small mouth women and also "training" techniques as well.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

My situation is different than most I think.

Like Scarlett I gave blow jobs (to completion) a lot. Like once a week or more. But it was never reciprocated.

With the help of this forum (and Anon Pink  ) I learned better. So yes, in a way I keep a sexual score card now. I stopped giving blow jobs to completion. Like slowgoingcrazy I would get all worked up, and then in 2 minutes he would get off and leave me high and dry. Uh no thanks. 

I still give him oral as foreplay probably 90% of the time. I'd say he gives me oral 10% of the time, for less than 5 minutes. 

There is still some tension, and un-balance there. Neither of us agree what it fair. And yes I may be a "mean person" for not giving him blow jobs anymore. But frankly, I don't care. 

I have no qualms about giving oral to completion if it was reciprocated to me, or if even I was stimulated to completion in other ways. No stand alone acts here anymore. There is a difference between being giving, and being taken advantage of. I'm slowly learning that line.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> My situation is different than most I think.
> 
> Like Scarlett I gave blow jobs (to completion) a lot. Like once a week or more. But it was never reciprocated.
> 
> ...


Where do you women find these guys??? I swear there has got to be something missing from their brains!!!


What man does not want to destroy his wife with orgasms and hear and see her writhing in passion and in the grip of lust and desire?

I am thinking of starting a sex boot camp for these sexually retarded men!

How well do you think I would do business wise?

Unfortunately, there seems to be quite a market.

This would not require hiring a high cost prostitute, sex instructor/therapist, to sleep with your husband so it might just take off as a business.

I have already instructed a younger man, a friend, on how to get it going with his wife, who at the time, did not want sex with him and actually never enjoyed sex that much.

She can't keep her hands off him now and has transformed into his private stripper.

Sorry gals. Just feeling your frustration! There is no reason that your husbands can't be better lovers!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Conan as a woman who hasn't had sex in over a week, your post makes me sad. 

I mourn what I don't have.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Conan as a woman who hasn't had sex in over a week, your post makes me sad.
> 
> I mourn what I don't have.


Well keep being pro-active and standing up for yourself. Not the same but I have been feeling the pain of no sex. That will be fixed this Wednesday! Mrs. Conan and I will end our 5 month separation.

Just to commiserate, I have been MBing like a mad man! LOL!

3x on a slow day and 5x in 2 hours on a bad one!


Keep at it and don't give up. Other than sex, is your H intimate or show affection and love?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Well keep being pro-active and standing up for yourself. Not the same but I have been feeling the pain of no sex. That will be fixed this Wednesday! Mrs. Conan and I will end our 5 month separation.
> 
> Just to commiserate, I have been MBing like a mad man! LOL!
> 
> ...


So happy for you that you will be home soon! Is this your final time away?

I'd rather not thread jack, so if you wish to ask about my marriage you're welcome to PM me and/or check out my thread, and I'll be happy to answer any questions. 

ETA: The fact that a man could go 5 times in one day, much less 2 hours is an enigma to me.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

michzz said:


> What complicates that is when partner changes their mind and will not explain why or be swayed.
> 
> That whole bait and switch attitude towards intimacy some people have.





Lila said:


> My theory is that those folks fall under the 'added spice' category. When complacency sets in, and sex becomes a means to an end (orgasm, intimate connection), the people who see oral sex as extra see no benefit in partaking in it. They think if basic stuff will get them to the finish line, then what's the need for extra stuff?
> 
> Now this isn't to say that all people who see oral sex as icing on the cake think this way, but I do believe that those who think this way _and_ become complacent are the ones that stop oral sex.


If all it took was the basic stuff to have a satisfying orgasm, I'd have never even have had sex, just taken care of it myself.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Just to commiserate, I have been MBing like a mad man! LOL!
> 
> 3x on a slow day and 5x in 2 hours on a bad one!


Wooooaaahhhhh big fella!

Save some for the Missus!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

T&T said:


> Wooooaaahhhhh big fella!
> 
> Save some for the Missus!!!


LOL! No worries. I'm a freak.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> LOL! No worries. I'm a freak.


I probably did the same at age 15  :rofl: 

Oh, I remember when my wife and I first met! 

I'm an old fart now lol


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> OK. I have to go there. What "training" can help jaw pain?
> 
> Maybe exercising her mouth with a toy?


About two years ago I basically completely started over with learning how to give a killer BJ. I read (on line) about what men enjoy about oral, and watched instructional videos and porn for ideas. I told my husband I wanted him to tell me exactly what he liked and didn't like, and then I went to town. We'd have "sessions" in which I'd do a lot of different things and ask for his feedback and guidance. These sessions weren't for the purpose of getting him off (although he always did)--they were for me to learn and experiment, so I would go at my own pace, and rest when I needed to, and go very slowly when I needed to. Eventually I could do oral for an hour or more without a problem (with some switching to other things for short diversions here and there.) 

The key was that he didn't tell me "do this, go faster" or grab my head and try to control it. He just leaned against some pillows, put his hands behind his head, and let me lead. 

I saw a vast improvement in my endurance, jaw strength and flexibility, and, uh, depth abilities in a fairly short period of time. 

If you wife is willing and if you two have good communication, I think she could reduce the amount of discomfort and increase her endurance for giving oral, too. She really has to want to, though. Enthusiasm for the activity is probably the most important factor.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> OK. I have to go there. What "training" can help jaw pain?
> 
> Maybe exercising her mouth with a toy?


I hear keeping it clamped tightly shut for 8 or so hours works wonders.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cletus said:


> I hear keeping it clamped tightly shut for 8 or so hours works wonders.


You are soooooo bad!

Getting it. Thank you very much for that. I think letting her practice on me at her own pace is a wonderful idea and she will probably go for it. 

WOW! A couple of years ago you really did get it.:smthumbup:


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> About two years ago I basically completely started over with learning how to give a killer BJ. I read (on line) about what men enjoy about oral, and watched instructional videos and porn for ideas. I told my husband I wanted him to tell me exactly what he liked and didn't like, and then I went to town. We'd have "sessions" in which I'd do a lot of different things and ask for his feedback and guidance. These sessions weren't for the purpose of getting him off (although he always did)--they were for me to learn and experiment, so I would go at my own pace, and rest when I needed to, and go very slowly when I needed to. Eventually I could do oral for an hour or more without a problem (with some switching to other things for short diversions here and there.)
> 
> The key was that he didn't tell me "do this, go faster" or grab my head and try to control it. He just leaned against some pillows, put his hands behind his head, and let me lead.
> 
> ...


One sure fire way to learn how to give killer blow jobs-gay porn!


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> Or if her fastidious job of finishing him off orally subsequently causes "Pike's Peak" to wilt, then there's absolutely nothing inherently wrong with making a quick trip down to the "Y" for a fantastic "all-you-can-eat buffet" and get your fill, all while waiting to once again "make things hard on her!"


This is true, but for some of us that is second best. It's good no doubt but I prefer PIV orgasms more. I know it may not be the norm but oral for some is second best.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Hmm, I just assumed.
> 
> In that case it's a pretty damn selfish person who doesn't do at least some oral frequently. And selfishness is not gender specific.
> 
> ...


I almost never finish from a BJ. I simply look at it as foreplay.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Oral sex on my wife has been off the table for years, for various reasons. It only recently, as in the last month, came back up as something my wife wants (my wife is very orgasmic, gets off in a number of ways, so she's not reliant on it like many women). 

Yet lack of oral on her never equaled lack on me. To be frank, my wife loves my c*ck in her mouth. BJs have nothing to do with her doing something _for me_ exclusively, it's a mutually beneficial act. 

That's how I see anything in bed. Is it mutually enjoyable? If not, no matter who's doing the licking and sucking, it's tough to keep a habit up that one of you isn't getting much from.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

It's not my intention to hijack this thread, but this subject has always intrigued me.

My wife and I have a pretty good sex life. But in 34 years together (married for 26), I can count the number of times she has let me perform unreciprocated oral on her on two hands. And those times have invariably involved her drinking alcohol.

Lately, she has not been very interested in letting me go down on her. She always enjoys it when she lets me, and has multiple orgasms almost every time. But lately, our sexual routine has involved her giving me a BJ until I am hard, which turns her on and gets her wet, then she practically demands PIV. About half the time she uses a vibe on her cl!t while we do PIV, and she almost always orgasms, vibe or no vibe.

She has told me many times she is uncomfortable with me giving her unreciprocated oral, she always wants PIV afterwards.

So wise ladies of TAM, why are so many women uncomfortable with getting standalone oral? I know there are the usual reasons:

- They think it's icky down there even when it is not
- They feel disconnected from their partner
- Lack of trust and/or attraction with partner
- Sensitivity (not really a factor in my case)
- Lack of partner skill (I don't think this is a factor for me)

I have tried to explain to her that when she gives me a standalone BJ, she gets very turned on, and enjoys pleasing me. When I tell her it's the same way for me when I go down on her, she says that it's totally different for women, but she seems unable or unwilling to explain herself.

I would really like to better understand why so many women are not comfortable with receiving unreciprocated oral.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

keeper. My wife flat out loves PIV! She really loves and desires me in her the majority of the time. She doesn't even O from PIV but sometimes just wants it without anything else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

There are "so many" women who are uncomfortable with unreciprocated oral sex being performed on them?

I've heard a lot in my life, and that's frankly a first for me.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Vanille said:


> I personally don't like him giving me oral. I also stopped liking giving him oral. I used to enjoy it but then he went through a phase where he didn't shower before sex and umm ew it tasted like he just took a dump every time. That ended that for a while. Then when he brought back good hygiene I started giving it to him again but then he pre-cums constantly and it makes me gag, sooooo we're back to not doing it...


I'm sorry, but this is just TMI.


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> If your wife is willing and if you two have good communication, I think she could reduce the amount of discomfort and increase her endurance for giving oral, too. She really has to want to, though. Enthusiasm for the activity is probably the most important factor.


And there it is. Whether about oral sex or simply good conversation, success will always depend on two people genuinely wanting the same goal. There'll be missteps and misunderstandings, but the momentum and effort is all going in the right direction. You'd have to try to screw it up if you have that going for you.

I think about all the things that I and my wife could be enjoying if she thought about her marriage the way you decided to think about yours. Barring some sort of debilitating medical issue, it all comes down to that. I have found that I get as frustrated with marriage advice sometimes as I do with my marriage. Much of advice is predicated on the assumption that we both want to communicate and be intimate and _whoops!_ we're just doing it wrong. Even good advice about improving myself, being loving and patient and fair... it improves me, yes, but it does nothing for my marriage until my wife decides to join the effort.


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

OnAnIsland said:


> Good question. Leads to other questions. My wife genuinely finds it physically uncomfortable to do. Is this somewhat psychosomatic? Could be, as the 'affliction' seems to only come up or cause discomfort related to the act. She does grind her teeth in her sleep a lot, so perhaps there is persistent jaw pain. Who knows?
> 
> I'd never come across a woman complaining of this before, about giving oral to me or any other man. I know some men complain of their mouth/jaw aching when having ' to do it too long' with a woman. Some women have difficulty reaching orgasm. Of course, some men have difficulty _bringing_ a woman to orgasm.
> 
> Let's assume the discomfort is real in some women and prevents giving a 'traditional' BJ to completion. Someone who genuinely wants to please their partner will improvise, adapt, and overcome - to borrow a phrase. I have on and off bouts with severe arthritic pain and immobility due to injuries/operations suffered as a child. I have never let that keep me from sex. If it keeps me from doing one thing, I'll explain and make up for it by doing another. That's the difference (and the frustration) for me. Creativity and desire will find a way. Apathy and selfishness will find an excuse.


Damnit.
This whole thread has been rough to read. But this post here echoes my thoughts.

It takes a long time for my wife to orgasm, PIV-only orgasms are near impossible. But I have enjoyed giving her oral over the last 20 years, and love making her scream. 45 minutes is not uncommon, if we have the time.

But it is not reciprocated. She has jaw pain. Yet, there is no enthusiastic alternatives. I know her tongue works, I've seen her lick an ice cream cone. And I only really wish for some foreplay from her.

Anyway, I'm going to share something that I realize now is very embarrassing. Sometimes while giving one of the marathon oral sessions, I'll be giving her multiple orgasms, but it's obvious we're riding the waves to the BIG ONE. Sometimes I think we've hit it, but then she starts breathing hard again, and we go another round. This can happen over and over until it finally happens. She absolutely erupts -- and then pushes me away, with a "no more!" and no more touching. And I mean no touching at all. And while she heaps on the praise, or ranks it as a the best ever, there I was getting turned on by it all, and now there is no followup PIV or anything. It's just over.

I guess I feel it's selfish of her to chase that motherload of an orgasm, knowing that it means shutting me out afterwards. If she was a giver, wouldn't she stop me on the 2nd-to-last one, and we could finish together with sex?

Obviously we have communication issues, and obviously I have other issues.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

The last two men I was with said they hated going down on women and refused but were more than happy to receive oral. And asked for it often.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ariel_angel77 said:


> The last two men I was with said they hated going down on women and refused but were more than happy to receive oral. And asked for it often.


Those are men who should get very, very used to the sound of the word "no".


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> OK. I have to go there. What "training" can help jaw pain?
> 
> Maybe exercising her mouth with a toy?


There is a fantastic book called "Blow Him Away" that was written by a speech therapist and is full of exercises that will solve jaw pain problems, as well as increase the strength and dexterity of the tongue.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I've never had a man offer or give me unreciprocated oral sex, and like some other women here, never heard of it until being hear at TAM.

I've had many men request (or insist!) on getting it themselves, often in pretty entitled and obnoxious ways.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

always_alone said:


> There is a fantastic book called *"Blow Him Away"* that was written by a speech therapist and is full of exercises that will solve jaw pain problems, as well as increase the strength and dexterity of the tongue.


*Now we know exactly what we can give to our better-halves/significant others as Holiday "Stocking Stuffer" this Christmas!*


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

JerryB said:


> I'll be giving her multiple orgasms, but it's obvious we're riding the waves to the BIG ONE. Sometimes I think we've hit it, but then she starts breathing hard again, and we go another round. This can happen over and over until it finally happens. She absolutely erupts -- and then pushes me away, with a "no more!" and no more touching. And I mean no touching at all. And while she heaps on the praise, or ranks it as a the best ever, there I was getting turned on by it all, and now there is no followup PIV or anything. It's just over.
> 
> I guess I feel it's selfish of her to chase that motherload of an orgasm, knowing that it means shutting me out afterwards. If she was a giver, wouldn't she stop me on the 2nd-to-last one, and we could finish together with sex?
> 
> Obviously we have communication issues, and obviously I have other issues.


We're married to the same woman, it seems. She's all yours.


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