# Future wife rarley wants sex



## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

This is the first time I have ever really talked to anyone about this but I need to know.

Me and my fiance have been together for over 2 years, when we first met things were great, we would have sex almost everyday, most of the time her initiating it, and she loved it as much as I did, we spent a lot of time together and loved every bit of it.

A few months into our relationship she had to leave for college that was 5 hours away, I really never felt this way about a girl, so I was sure in making the decision to attend the same college as her, which she was extremely ecstatic about. This were great for the first couple of months, but slowly started to decline, she started having sex a lot less, she started to get mean with me sometimes and so on. I thought maybe she was just stressed out from living in the dorms and school, she said she would love to move to an apartment together so I searched for one, and a month later we were moved into one.

Now also before we left for college she started taking birth control again, she gained a good bit of weight, but that didn't bother me one bit, I love her for who she is, not how she looked. We moved into our apartment and things declined even more, we fought often, and I had to literally beg to have sex, yet she always told me she loved me when I asked, and got really upset if I mentioned about maybe we shouldn't be together, or if it maybe wasn't working.

It came to a point where neither of us liked the college life, we decided it was time to move back home, we lived with my parents for a while, and things did improve a little bit between us, we didn't fight as often, but our sex life was still the same.

We both found jobs, and we were engaged at this point, I thought maybe things would continually improve since they were starting to already. We looked for a new place to live after a couple of months and found a nice affordable house and both agreed we wanted to buy it, we moved in together and things weren't so bad, we were pretty happy together, except our sex life was still stagnant. I have talked to her many of times about this and she just says she doesn't know and bla bla, I can't get a real answer from her. She went to the doctor about 3 months ago and switched birth control, this seemed to have helped some, and she stopped taking her anti depressants. I had another talk with her and for about 2 weeks things were actually going well, both with our normal life and our sex life, its like things were back to how they were, but soon that derailed and went right back to pretty much nothing. When I said nothing I mean we are having sex maybe once a week if that, and I have to ask, and she only does it to make me happy, not because she wants to.

I have tried all kinds of different things to stimulate her, buy her flowers, rub her back, do nice things for her and nothing seems to work.

We agreed on our last talk to try to bring back that aspect of our relationship and she said she would really make an effort, but I feel like I have made all the effort and she has made no effort. We are supposed to get married next saturday, and I don't think I want to with the way things are, I have tried to tell her that and she just breaks down into tears and cries for hours, I know she loves me, but what is going on with our sex life, I can't live like this.

I love her more than anything, and would do anything for her, but its just not normal for a couple who are 20 years old to not want to have sex anymore, please help!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Couple red flags, one I'll probably get ripped for pointing out.

She's on anti-depressants.
Bad for the sex drive and a strike against any woman for me iust due to the medication.
If her emotional mind is so weak as to need a drugs to allow her to just get through life she's not someone I'd be hooking up with.

Then there's the big one.

She doesn't want sex.
If you think you're not getting laid enough now just wait until you say "I Do".
Sex will become a happy memory from another life you had a long time ago/

Don't marry this woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Couple red flags, one I'll probably get ripped for pointing out.
> 
> She's in anti-depressants.
> Bad for the sex drive and a strike against any woman for me iust due to the medication.
> ...


I agree with anti depressants, I think they are useless...she has been off of them for about 2 months and has been just fine without them.

I don't want to point all the blame at her either, she always says "all I feel like you want is sex" but what do you expect I am a young man with needs that I'm not having fufilled. I watch to much porn and please myself too much, but I have to or else I would go crazy from the lack of sex, when our sex life was normal I never masturbated, but as soon as it started declining thats when it started again.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

x, if you're not getting the lovin you want now,you sure as hell aren't going to get it after your married. ii really don't think you can fix this either,as she will just tolerate sex until you're married then she will just flip the switch again.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

67flh said:


> x, if you're not getting the lovin you want now,you sure as hell aren't going to get it after your married. ii really don't think you can fix this either,as she will just tolerate sex until you're married then she will just flip the switch again.


I am giving her an ultimatum today, she either seeks therapy to straighten this out or else I am not going through the with the marriage, if she says no, they i am not going through with it. There is absolutely NO reason why she can't have a normal sex life with me especially with how much she says she "loves" me.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

xandrew245x said:


> I am giving her an ultimatum today, she either seeks therapy to straighten this out or else I am not going through the with the marriage, if she says no, they i am not going through with it. There is absolutely NO reason why she can't have a normal sex life with me especially with how much she says she "loves" me.


This is a good plan. Please follow through. You will be one of "us" in a sexless marriage if you do nothing to change this. You're better off finding somebody who will continue to value sexual intimacy in a relationship. Some people just stop caring about it. If you marry one of them you're bound for a life of misery.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

sinnister said:


> This is a good plan. Please follow through. You will be one of "us" in a sexless marriage if you do nothing to change this. You're better off finding somebody who will continue to value sexual intimacy in a relationship. Some people just stop caring about it. If you marry one of them you're bound for a life of misery.


I would just love to know what is going on in her head, there is a reason why she lost interest or doesn't want to do it anymore, and I would love to know why, I think it can be fixed if she gets help now.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

Postpone the wedding. You don't want to be divorced in a year, so don't get married now.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> I would just love to know what is going on in her head, there is a reason why she lost interest or doesn't want to do it anymore, and I would love to know why, I think it can be fixed if she gets help now.


It's called bait and switch...


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Lifeisnotsogood2 said:


> Postpone the wedding. You don't want to be divorced in a year, so don't get married now.


I told her I wanted to postpone it and she said "we can't do that, we spent to much money" I have said multiple times about not getting married yet and she just wont have it she keeps saying "if we don't get married we are just breaking up and will never get married again" I don't know what to do because I really love her, but this is driving me insane, I feel like she hates me.

I also feel like now that she has me and doesn't fear losing me she has no reason to give me what I want, so maybe I should play hard to get.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> I told her I wanted to postpone it and she said "we can't do that, we spent to much money" I have said multiple times about not getting married yet and she just wont have it she keeps saying "if we don't get married we are just breaking up and will never get married again" I don't know what to do because I really love her*Grow a pair and do NOT discuss it with her, do not ask her permission to postpone the wedding, announce to your family and HERS that the wedding is postponed! *, but this is driving me insane, I feel like she hates me.
> 
> I also feel like now that she has me and doesn't fear losing me she has no reason to give me what I want, so maybe I should play hard to get.*NO YOU SHOULD PLAY GET AWAY FROM ME CRAZY LADY! *


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

I can't just play get away from considering we live together, I don't want to leave her, I love her, i love her as a person and I love who she is, the only problem is our damn sex life, if that was normal it would be perfect. I don't want to give up on her just because of that.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Couple red flags, one I'll probably get ripped for pointing out.
> 
> She's in anti-depressants.
> Bad for the sex drive and a strike against any woman for me iust due to the medication.
> ...


Sorry but the comment about having a week emotional mind is so far off of the mark I can't even discribe it. While I understand what you were getting at; your delivery was horrible.

Most people who truely need anti depressants have a problem with reuptake of certain neurotransmitter chemicals produced by the body. Without getting to technical Certain drugs such as SSRI's control the way those chemicals move within the cells and cause them to function at a normal rate. When these chemicals reuptake to quickly it not only can cause depression but terrible migraines and a whole host of other physical (not just emotional) symptoms.

In short it is not a week mind but a a real biological problem.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> Sorry but the comment about having a week emotional mind is so far off of the mark I can't even discribe it. While I understand what you were getting at; your delivery was horrible.
> 
> Most people who truely need anti depressants have a problem with reuptake of certain neurotransmitter chemicals produced by the body. Without getting to technical Certain drugs such as SSRI's control the way those chemicals move within the cells and cause them to function at a normal rate. When these chemicals reuptake to quickly it not only can cause depression but terrible migraines and a whole host of other physical (not just emotional) symptoms.
> 
> In short it is not a week mind but a a real biological problem.


It is true that some people have an actual biological problem causing them to need anti depressants, but I think her doctor didn't know what he was talking about, she just up and stopped taking them and she has actually been way better without them.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> I can't just play get away from considering we live together, I don't want to leave her, I love her, i love her as a person and I love who she is, the only problem is our damn sex life, if that was normal it would be perfect. I don't want to give up on her just because of that.


Well then, welcome to the rest of your life!


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Well then, welcome to the rest of your life!


Yea...that seems like what its going to be.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> Yea...that seems like what its going to be.


Only if YOU decide to live like that!


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> I told her I wanted to postpone it and she said "we can't do that, we spent to much money" I have said multiple times about not getting married yet and she just wont have it she keeps saying "if we don't get married we are just breaking up and will never get married again" *I don't know what to do because I really love her, but this is driving me insane, I feel like she hates me.*
> 
> *I also feel like now that she has me and doesn't fear losing me she has no reason to give me what I want*, so maybe I should play hard to get.


This is the rest of your life you are talking about. Do not go forward with any doubts in your head.

Go back and read this entire thread, pretending that the original poster is your best friend. What advice would you give him?

She should not be your "future wife", she should be your "former fiance" until this is settled.


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

I can almost guarantee a divorce is in the future if y'all get married at this point. It will save you alot of money calling it off now, no matter how much you have already spent. Getting married right now the way you feel, hoping things will change is a BAD idea.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

ChelseaBlue said:


> This is the rest of your life you are talking about. Do not go forward with any doubts in your head.
> 
> Go back and read this entire thread, pretending that the original poster is your best friend. What advice would you give him?
> 
> She should not be your "future wife", she should be your "former fiance" until this is settled.


I talked to her about it, and I was very firm with what I wanted and what was going to be done. She agreed to go see a therapist. She said she feels awful about herself, and she feels that I always just want sex and nothing else thats why she never wants to do it, so I do have to say, its not all her fault, I know I am pushy with it.

She has told me before it really upsets her because she wants to have sex with me regularly but she just never turned on and it makes her feel really bad which makes it even worse.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Couple red flags, one I'll probably get ripped for pointing out.
> 
> She's in anti-depressants.
> Bad for the sex drive and a strike against any woman for me iust due to the medication.
> ...



:iagree: she fell out of the "love" it was not a true love is what i am trying to say. Its best to move on


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't marry her...or this will be your life.

Forever is a long time when you're fighting about sex.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

I don't believe she fell out of love with me, she gets very upset over the though of us breaking up.

She agreed to do anything to fix the problem, that sure sounds like someone who is very much still in love with me, just has a problem.

I don't want to just dump her over sex, it just doesn't feel right.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

xandrew245x said:


> I told her I wanted to postpone it and she said "we can't do that, we spent to much money" I have said multiple times about not getting married yet and she just wont have it she keeps saying "if we don't get married we are just breaking up and will never get married again" I don't know what to do because I really love her, but this is driving me insane, I feel like she hates me.


serious red flag.

Do not marry this woman.
I cannot stress this enough.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

xandrew245x said:


> I can't just play get away from considering we live together, I don't want to leave her, I love her, i love her as a person and I love who she is, the only problem is our damn sex life, if that was normal it would be perfect. I don't want to give up on her just because of that.


Your sex life is the least of your problems.
The lack of sex isn't even a problem, it's a symptom of a really big problem that you are just now beginning to see.

She has issued and ultimatum " marry me sexless now or we're through"

Take the latter choice or regret it until and after the divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Your sex life is the least of your problems.
> The lack of sex isn't even a problem, it's a symptom of a really big problem that you are just now beginning to see.
> 
> She has issued and ultimatum " marry me sexless now or we're through"
> ...


No, she didn't really say marry me now or were through, when I just talked to her about it she said do you want me to tell everyone the wedding is off, and I said no not yet. 

She said if I call off the wedding it would be just like breaking up with her, she never said if I called off the wedding we wouldn't still be together.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I hope you buy good lotion, you're going to need it....


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> I talked to her about it, and I was very firm with what I wanted and what was going to be done. She agreed to go see a therapist. She said she feels awful about herself, and *she feels that I always just want sex and nothing else thats why she never wants to do it, so I do have to say, its not all her fault, I know I am pushy with it*.
> 
> She has told me before it really upsets her because she wants to have sex with me regularly but she just never turned on and it makes her feel really bad which makes it even worse.


Do not, do not, do not go ahead with the wedding until this is resolved!

And now she is shifting the blame to you. Please get this worked out before you go further.

I wish you the best while you look for a solution.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> I hope you buy good lotion, you're going to need it....


I apparently painted a far worse picture than it really is.

We do still have sex, lately, we have been doing it at least 2 times a week, and she initiated it a couple times. But its her past actions that really have me concerned, but she seems willing to try to fix things.

Like I said, I don't want to leave her over a sex issue especially when I really do love her.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I agree with what everyone is saying here that something has to change because it's not working and it will be more problematic later than it is now.

It's possible however that you guys have some dynamics going on here that are very common though. Buy "His Needs / Her Needs" and see if the material points out things going on with you guys. I mean if you want to attempt to make it better anyway.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> I apparently painted a far worse picture than it really is.
> 
> We do still have sex, lately, we have been doing it at least 2 times a week, and she initiated it a couple times. But its her past actions that really have me concerned, but she seems willing to try to fix things.
> 
> Like I said, I don't want to leave her over a sex issue especially when I really do love her.


two times a week BEFORE the wedding means 2 times a month AFTER the wedding. (if your lucky)


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

You know it really could be just a frequency issue and you just want it a lot more than her and your self described "pushiness" makes her feel overwhelmed or "harrassed" causing her to want to avoid it all together beleiving thats "all you care about "..

Its possible if you both compromise..(many have to do this) you getting less sex than you want and her being O.K having a little more than she wants..If she knows you will take the constant pressure off in between some sort of "pre set" # where she knows what to expect that could help a lot..Taking out the "unknown" ..

If you can reach some sort of a specific "expectation" not just an agreement "she will try harder" ..Specific as in scheduling the days of the week agreed to put sex as a priority that day she may not feel "hounded" or "caught of gaurd" when you spontaneoulsy initiate..And she can "prepare" for it...

That works for a lot of couples ...


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> ......I don't want to just dump her over sex, it just doesn't feel right.


Sex is a huge part of any marriage. If this isn't fixed you won't be divorcing over sex, you will be divorcing over lack of sex, frustration, and resentment.

Get a solution that you are sure you can live with or move on.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> You know it really could be just a frequency issue and you just want it a lot more than her and your self described "pushiness" makes her feel overwhelmed or "harrassed" causing her to want to avoid it all together beleiving thats "all you care about "..
> 
> Its possible if you both compromise..(many have to do this) you getting less sex than you want and her being O.K having a little more than she wants..If she knows you will take the constant pressure off in between some sort of "pre set" # where she knows what to expect that could help a lot..Taking out the "unknown" ..
> 
> ...


THANK YOU! This is the type of answer I am looking for.


I didn't come here for everyone to tell me not to just marry her and to leave her. She means a lot to me, and i know I mean a lot to her, there has to be a middle ground.

She never has point the finger at me, I just know I pressure her a lot and I know she said it really bothers her, but when my hormones get going, its hard to resist her. I already told her I would be willing to sacrifice the amount I want as long as she would just work with me, I know there is a way to sort this out.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> That's good to hear xa. So why does she usually initiate? Normally the guy initiates more than the girl. I think because we want it more often is why. We really don't know how often she would be willing to let you "get her in the mood". To me her initiating sex 2 times a week is pretty HD especially if she'd let you try to get her in the mood more often.
> 
> Good luck.


I sat down and talked to her about it a few weeks ago, she seemed to understand more, and I didnt pressure her at all, it was going very well for those couple of weeks. We spend almost her whole birthday weekend at her moms and on sunday she knew I really wanted her.

When we got home she gave me everything I could ever want, she came on to me, even gave me oral which is something shes not to fond of, it was great sex, and I told her that is what i want our love life to be like, I really felt the passion that we used to have.

well, last week she was completely different again, moody, *****y not wanting anything to do with me, which led me to post on this forum. I just really need some sort of stability.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Also thundar, sometimes she will let me put her in the mood, I know she loves oral, but a lot of time she won't even let me do it to her. 

She gets very turned on when I perform oral on her, if she would just let me do it when ever I wanted, there would never be a problem.


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## nobeliefinhim (Aug 31, 2012)

I feel you both are way to young to be having so many problems. If this relationship is this much work when you are so young I am afraid it will not get better only worse if you get married. This is not the girl for you. Go live life you are only young once you have plenty of time to get married


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

I appreciate all the replies, I am going to talk to her about it more, and see where it goes from there.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTE I know she loves oral, but a lot of time she won't even let me do it to her. ][/QUOTE]

I think if she is aware in advance like I said that day is a planned for sex day she will be able to "prepare" ..Many women it doesn't matter hwo much they love oral will get insecure about "freshness" for lack of a better term..If she knows thats on the table on your preset days for sex she can fix herself to be confident in that way.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> [QUOTE I know she loves oral, but a lot of time she won't even let me do it to her. ]


I think if she is aware in advance like I said that day is a planned for sex day she will be able to "prepare" ..Many women it doesn't matter hwo much they love oral will get insecure about "freshness" for lack of a better term..If she knows thats on the table on your preset days for sex she can fix herself to be confident in that way.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for that, I know she probably feels insecure about it, but I have told her many times I love the smell and taste, I really try to make her comfortable.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Thank you for that, I know she probably feels insecure about it, but I have told her many times I love the smell and taste, I really try to make her comfortable.


Excellent keep that up...Having said that she may still think that particular moment..she isnt so "fresh" and will opt to forego for fear of you thinking that time???you didnt "love the smell or taste"..

But yes keep reasuring her ...


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Excellent keep that up...Having said that she may still think that particular moment..she isnt so "fresh" and will opt to forego for fear of you thinking that time???you didnt "love the smell or taste"..
> 
> But yes keep reasuring her ...


I defiantly will.

I know I have been selfish as well, I just wanted to get off not really caring about her. But the past couple months I realized that I have been doing wrong and have been trying to change it, but I know I already caused damage.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> Also thundar, sometimes she will let me put her in the mood, I know she loves oral, but a lot of time she won't even let me do it to her.
> 
> She gets very turned on when I perform oral on her, if she would just let me do it when ever I wanted, there would never be a problem.


As she get's older she may get over that . My wife didn't like it so much when we were new. I mean she liked it but was kind of self conscious.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> As she get's older she may get over that . My wife didn't like it so much when we were new. I mean she liked it but was kind of self conscious.


Yeah, I hope she does, and I hope we can work things out, everyone hits a rough patch once in a while, I just left it go and never really confronted her about it, plus she doesn't listen to me.

I convinced her to talk to her mom about it, if anyone can do it, her mom will talk some sense into her.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I think if she is aware in advance like I said that day is a planned for sex day she will be able to "prepare" ..Many women it doesn't matter hwo much they love oral will get insecure about "freshness" for lack of a better term..If she knows thats on the table on your preset days for sex she can fix herself to be confident in that way.


Oh some will not agree with this but I agree that scheduling helps even though it is not spontaneous. Especially later on when you both have jobs and kids. You really have to schedule or good luck finding any time she's not tired. Plus if you agree and schedule then you're not always asking.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> As she get's older she may get over that . My wife didn't like it so much when we were new. I mean she liked it but was kind of self conscious.


Thats what I was leaning towards too..shes only 20..if he keeps reasuring her and also gives her the option to say no without guilting her she most likely will get over the "how is that not disgusting to you " factor..She eventually SHOULD believe him its actually a turn on for him too..that helps to know..It took me YEARS to believe that..but Im still "particular" as to when its O.K or not..


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I would recommend reading posts on here by guys who have been married for 10+ years and the effects all the rejection has had on their lives. They're in deep, mortgage, kids, toys etc. Sex was good at first, then whamo, bait and switch, now they are having sex once every two months. The damage that has on your self worth is incredible. A lot of people on this board have given you very good advice. You keep defending yourself and clinging to love. Love is a two way street. Therapy may work for her. What if it doesn't? Or what if she tell's you like my wife told me, "your high sex drive is your problem?" I have been living with this kind of sex life for 15 plus years. Oh but I love her.....The longer I spend on these boards the more a realize my marriage has been a sham and a scam. 

If I would have had this kind of advice before I got married I would have given it very serious consideration. Very serious.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTE Plus if you agree and schedule then you're not always asking.][/QUOTE]

This is probably more of an impact than anything..There is not "snap decision " out of the blue and feeling 'constantly "hounded"..when that could or most likely isnt even a thought in her head..knowing ahead of time it IS a thought in her head..Its already assumed(agreed upon in advance ) thats whats going to happen..THEN when its a scheduled day "off" LOL>>she can "relax" and not be worried if hes going to come leaping out the corner and pounce on her LOL!!...It eliminates a lot of "tension"..She can also feel free to show non sexual affection without "fear" he will want to turn it into sex..A lot of women (and men) will in fact stop ALL affection because they are thinking they will expect sex out of every long embrace or passionate kiss...

Its not for everyone but with what hes describing sounds like something to consider...


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> [QUOTE Plus if you agree and schedule then you're not always asking.]


This is probably more of an impact than anything..There is not "snap decision " out of the blue and feeling 'constantly "hounded"..when that could or most likely isnt even a thought in her head..knowing ahead of time it IS a thought in her head..Its already assumed(agreed upon in advance ) thats whats going to happen..THEN when its a scheduled day "off" LOL>>she can "relax" and not be worried if hes going to come leaping out the corner and pounce on her LOL!!...It eliminates a lot of "tension"..She can also feel free to show non sexual affection without "fear" he will want to turn it into sex..A lot of women (and men) will in fact stop ALL affection because they are thinking they will expect sex out of every long embrace or passionate kiss...

Its not for everyone but with what hes describing sounds like something to consider...[/QUOTE]

I really appreciate it dallas.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> [QUOTE Plus if you agree and schedule then you're not always asking.]


[/QUOTE]This is probably more of an impact than anything..There is not "snap decision " out of the blue and feeling 'constantly "hounded"..when that could or most likely isnt even a thought in her head..knowing ahead of time it IS a thought in her head..Its already assumed(agreed upon in advance ) thats whats going to happen..THEN when its a scheduled day "off" LOL>>she can "relax" and not be worried if hes going to come leaping out the corner and pounce on her LOL!!...It eliminates a lot of "tension"..She can also feel free to show non sexual affection without "fear" he will want to turn it into sex..A lot of women (and men) will in fact stop ALL affection because they are thinking they will expect sex out of every long embrace or passionate kiss...

Its not for everyone but with what hes describing sounds like something to consider...[/QUOTE]

Are some women really that apprehensive about sex???? Can relax on a "scheduled day off"? Really? 

I came to this board to figure out why my wife didn't want to have sex with me. I never posted a thread because just reading some of them on here I figured out what I was doing wrong. I was not in charge of my marriage! I have sense taken steps to correct that, and guess what. I can't keep my wife off of me! Man up and see if that helps but for Christ sake PUT OFF THE WEDDING!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> This is probably more of an impact than anything..There is not "snap decision " out of the blue and feeling 'constantly "hounded"..when that could or most likely isnt even a thought in her head..knowing ahead of time it IS a thought in her head..Its already assumed(agreed upon in advance ) thats whats going to happen..THEN when its a scheduled day "off" LOL>>she can "relax" and not be worried if hes going to come leaping out the corner and pounce on her LOL!!...It eliminates a lot of "tension"..She can also feel free to show non sexual affection without "fear" he will want to turn it into sex..A lot of women (and men) will in fact stop ALL affection because they are thinking they will expect sex out of every long embrace or passionate kiss...
> 
> Its not for everyone but with what hes describing sounds like something to consider...


I really appreciate it dallas.[/QUOTE]

 You're welcome...

Oh also you can put in the "agreement" LOL>>that "xtra" is O.K if she wants to initiate sense you are the higher drive and im assuming can quickly be "up for it' on a moments notice..


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

This is probably more of an impact than anything..There is not "snap decision " out of the blue and feeling 'constantly "hounded"..when that could or most likely isnt even a thought in her head..knowing ahead of time it IS a thought in her head..Its already assumed(agreed upon in advance ) thats whats going to happen..THEN when its a scheduled day "off" LOL>>she can "relax" and not be worried if hes going to come leaping out the corner and pounce on her LOL!!...It eliminates a lot of "tension"..She can also feel free to show non sexual affection without "fear" he will want to turn it into sex..A lot of women (and men) will in fact stop ALL affection because they are thinking they will expect sex out of every long embrace or passionate kiss...

Its not for everyone but with what hes describing sounds like something to consider...[/QUOTE]

Are some women really that apprehensive about sex???? Can relax on a "scheduled day off"? Really? 

I came to this board to figure out why my wife didn't want to have sex with me. I never posted a thread because just reading some of them on here I figured out what I was doing wrong. I was not in charge of my marriage! I have sense taken steps to correct that, and guess what. I can't keep my wife off of me! Man up and see if that helps but for Christ sake PUT OFF THE WEDDING![/QUOTE]

You are completely right, I am not being man enough. When she gets home I am postponing the wedding. 

She is as dominant as I am, but I have to be more or else she is going to get her way all the time.

However, how do you be "in charge" without being an *******.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

yes do think about what dallasapple said as a prenup with a "sex" clause.......

Read. Books by Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Are some women really that apprehensive about sex???? Can relax on a "scheduled day off"? Really?


Yes I think mostly though or even specifically though its with a "lower' (with an ER not "low) drive partners with a super high drive spouse who is possibly asking them for sex every single day so you feel like thats "all they think about' you start to feel under "constant pressure" ..When YOU know you dont want sex as often and they know it too..you also can feel like you can never satisfy them and like a failure so the whole TOPIC of sex turns into a negative especially if you start to FIGHT about it..which is inevitable if a compromise cant be reached and agreed upon..which includes knowing when and NOT when that sex is expected..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh and its not just so "she can relax" it takes the GUESS work out for the higher drive..trying to "read her mood" ...and to know that unless there is a reason thats an agreed upon exception he wont be rejected..

Also since women in general think "less" about sex..On the day sex is on she can anticipate it ..and think about it .."think sex" ..maybe "pamper herself" a little ..who knows fresh nail polish ..a "perfumed " bath ...maybe even pick out some lingerie etc..Some women for example feel completely "gross" and "non sexual" if her legs are prickly LOL>>Well if its a sex is on day she can make sure her legs are smooth as a baby's bottom..all these things help her relax and feel "sexy" ...


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Goodness, there are some depressing people on this forum.

Postpone the wedding if it's rather soon or there are things requiring long term commitment (like a deposit on a venue that you can't cancel within six months or something). If it's a while out (a year +) you could probably wait another month or two (depending on the intricacies of your plan of course).

But I'd like to point out that, if I read correctly, she agreed to go to therapy and said she recognized she had some issues to work out? I'm not sure why people are still hounding you to break up with her. It sounds like you got what you wanted in that regard. It also sounds like she's expressed to you concern about how much you "only seem to care about sex" and you recognize that you have been selfish in that regard in the past. Sounds like you guys want to work through things and could benefit from some marital counseling to work on communication and compromise as well as individual counseling for her if she is struggling with depression or self-esteem issues or something. I don't think you're in a situation to feel hopeless right now. You've still got options, and she's agreed to try. Give it a shot, try to be open, honest, but respectful, and you guys can really try to work through these differences and see if you can make this relationship last or not.

But for heaven's sake you don't have to shoot down the whole thing because she's struggling. That's what counseling is for.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

xandrew245x said:


> It is true that some people have an actual biological problem causing them to need anti depressants, but I think her doctor didn't know what he was talking about, she just up and stopped taking them and she has actually been way better without them.


Sometimes medicine is as much of an art form as a science. Sometimes there is no way to exactly diagnose problems like that without resorting to the method of ruling out a particular disease via treatment.

If she is better without it thats great. My point is that the statement tacoma made was a very broad brush that at the least sounded demeaning to those who do have depression issues. I have seen to many people in my career who were devastated by it to not speak up.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

heartsdelight said:


> Goodness, there are some depressing people on this forum.
> 
> Postpone the wedding if it's rather soon or there are things requiring long term commitment (like a deposit on a venue that you can't cancel within six months or something). If it's a while out (a year +) you could probably wait another month or two (depending on the intricacies of your plan of course).
> 
> ...


The wedding is this saturday coming up, everything is paid for, and there are no refunds.

She has struggled with depression in the past, but apparently got better and stopped taking her medication, well when we were in college she started taking them again, and I kinda took it personal that she wasn't happy, but once again she is off of them.

She said she will do anything I want to make things better.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> The wedding is this saturday coming up, everything is paid for, and there are no refunds.


I dont know..she "said" she wants a good sex life with you..If its truly just a matter of a frequency difference but she DOES enjoy sex on a regular basis just not as often as you and she is willing to talk about it with a therapist and compromise I wouldnt call off the wedding this late..

I hate to say it..but if she completely renigs after the wedding then you may even have anullment as an option ..To me?That makes more sense than cancelling the wedding losing all the money....then resolving this issue in a few months anyway then having to pay all over again ..

Another thing that cant be underestimated is you already know at least in part..one of the reasons for the difficulty in the past was the BC pills..Ya know thats like chemically castrating a man and then getting angry at him because he lost his desire for sex..and saying "you must not really love me"..


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I dont know..she "said" she wants a good sex life with you..If its truly just a matter of a frequency difference but she DOES enjoy sex on a regular basis just not as often as you and she is willing to talk about it with a therapist and compromise I wouldnt call off the wedding this late..
> 
> I hate to say it..but if she completely renigs after the wedding then you may even have anullment as an option ..To me?That makes more sense than cancelling the wedding losing all the money....then resolving this issue in a few months anyway then having to pay all over again ..
> 
> Another thing that cant be underestimated is you already know at least in part..one of the reasons for the difficulty in the past was the BC pills..Ya know thats like chemically castrating a man and then getting angry at him because he lost his desire for sex..and saying "you must not really love me"..


You seem to be one of the only that really understand. If i marry her and get an annulment in a month or two, money is wasted, if I just back out of the wedding now money is wasted, either way, its going to happen, but at least if we go through with the marriage maybe we can work things out.

She was on the birth control shot that she got every 3 months, it has only been about 3 months since she got her last shot, things have gotten better over the past 3 months, so who knows, it may completely change once it completely wears off, I can't just give up on her.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Just because she is upset at the thought of you leaving her doesn't mean she loves you. It means she loves the security and routine presence of you. And for argument's sake, let's say she does love you.

She had depression and can relapse quite easily and she doesn't want to have sex to the level of satisfaction you want. You seem to brush off sex like it is nothing . Like that is a petty thing to break up a relationship over. It's a MAJOR factor for contentment in a marriage.

You say she takes you for granted. Imagine what will happen AFTER marriage. She wil have you captured and then see if she listens to you.

Now she is saying anything to reel you in in the short time before marriage you have left and you are falling for it.

Love is clouding your judgement. Be real and logical about this. It's up to you but if you have doubts about marriage, don't be forced into it. Most troubles start for couples after marriage, you're already getting a taste of that now. It wont improve.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You need to cancel the wedding.
She is not sexing you because she only cares about a HUSBAND and she does not want a MARRIAGE... These are two difreent things.

Please, all the money in the world is not worth marrying someone who is not willing to be sexual with you. It is margianlly improvable, but it only makes sense to work on this if you have real finacial entanglements and children.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> I would recommend reading posts on here by guys who have been married for 10+ years and the effects all the rejection has had on their lives. They're in deep, mortgage, kids, toys etc. Sex was good at first, then whamo, bait and switch, now they are having sex once every two months. The damage that has on your self worth is incredible. A lot of people on this board have given you very good advice. You keep defending yourself and clinging to love. Love is a two way street. Therapy may work for her. What if it doesn't? Or what if she tell's you like my wife told me, "your high sex drive is your problem?" I have been living with this kind of sex life for 15 plus years. Oh but I love her.....The longer I spend on these boards the more a realize my marriage has been a sham and a scam.
> 
> If I would have had this kind of advice before I got married I would have given it very serious consideration. Very serious.


This is a very good point Canadian. There are some really good discussions on this and good points from both sides of the issue. It does sometimes come down to HD versus LD where you're just not compatible.

My opinion is it's too early for you to know for sure but It's good news that you are here before the fact and not after.

EDIT: Scratch that. Wedding is only one week. eeh.


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

Hicks said:


> You need to cancel the wedding.
> She is not sexing you because she only cares about a HUSBAND and she does not want a MARRIAGE... These are two difreent things.
> 
> Please, all the money in the world is not worth marrying someone who is not willing to be sexual with you. It is margianlly improvable, but it only makes sense to work on this if you have real finacial entanglements and children.


We bought a house together, a car together, other various payments, I think we have financial entanglement...considering neither of us can afford our house on our own.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> I told her I wanted to postpone it and she said "we can't do that, we spent to much money" I have said multiple times about not getting married yet and she just wont have it she keeps saying "if we don't get married we are just breaking up and will never get married again" I don't know what to do because I really love her, but this is driving me insane, I feel like she hates me.
> 
> I also feel like now that she has me and doesn't fear losing me she has no reason to give me what I want, so maybe I should play hard to get.


This should be the happiest moments of your marriage. If you are not happy now, you will be sorry you married her. The money you spent on the wedding is nothing close to what a divorce will cost after a few years and a couple of children.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> You are completely right, I am not being man enough. When she gets home I am postponing the wedding.
> 
> She is as dominant as I am, but I have to be more or else she is going to get her way all the time.
> 
> However, how do you be "in charge" without being an *******.


By the way it's healthy to get this stuff out of the way and to get both of your feelings straight on this and other issues. I don't think "in charge" is so much needed as knowing what you expect from yourself and her and stepping up to holding you both accountable.

Compromise is fine but compromising principles is not so much.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> You seem to be one of the only that really understand. If i marry her and get an annulment in a month or two, money is wasted, if I just back out of the wedding now money is wasted, either way, its going to happen, but at least if we go through with the marriage maybe we can work things out.


Thats my logic..If you dont get marreid you dont intend on breaking up but to work on this issue and when /if resolved then marry...Then you would just have to pay all over again..If you get married and her tune changes?Or she refuses to adress it?I dont know all the legalities but you could probably get an anullment.Eiter way like you said the money is spent..You are going to work on this issue either way..

And also sense you have acknowledged in fact you have been part of the problem..and YOU are willing to make some changes too???I dont have a crystal ball but like someone else said your situation is not hopeless..


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## xandrew245x (Sep 2, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Thats my logic..If you dont get marreid you dont intend on breaking up but to work on this issue and when /if resolved then marry...Then you would just have to pay all over again..If you get married and her tune changes?Or she refuses to adress it?I dont know all the legalities but you could probably get an anullment.Eiter way like you said the money is spent..You are going to work on this issue either way..
> 
> And also sense you have acknowledged in fact you have been part of the problem..and YOU are willing to make some changes too???I dont have a crystal ball but like someone else said your situation is not hopeless..


I know its not hopeless, I have seen some improvement, but it still concerns me. I am sick of hearing "leave her now", if I wanted to do that, I wouldn't even be here, I would have just up and left her. I am here to seek help on how to fix the problem.

Yes i know I am some of the problem, I don't give her things she wants, which is selfish of me. Which I mean, I don't really take her on dates, or surprise her with gifts or flowers, and I would like to work on that, so its kinda understandable why she feels the way she does.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Lifeisnotsogood2 said:


> This should be the happiest moments of your marriage. If you are not happy now, you will be sorry you married her. The money you spent on the wedding is nothing close to what a divorce will cost after a few years and a couple of children.


Here is the thing though..a LOT of couples are the "happiest" before the marriage and even after the marriage for a while and then still end up with these issues..

Its almost a "good thing" IMHO they are identifying what sounds like some differences in desire for frequency ...which other couples might evne ignore never adress..then end up just gettign in fights about it building resentments on both sides and hating each other..at least they are talking ..and both sound like willing to work on thier end of it with compromise..

Dallas


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> but it still concerns me.


As it should..and as long as she is concerned with you then you have a chance..


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Trying to change or "fix" others is a difficult task. One day she'll say you're the one that needs fixing. 

Reminds me of a joke. 

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb.

One, but it's got to want to change.....

Good luck to you on your wedding day for a fruitful future together. I really hope things work out for you both as it sounds like you are very committed.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> I know its not hopeless, I have seen some improvement, but it still concerns me. I am sick of hearing "leave her now", if I wanted to do that, I wouldn't even be here, I would have just up and left her. I am here to seek help on how to fix the problem.
> 
> Yes i know I am some of the problem, I don't give her things she wants, which is selfish of me. Which I mean, I don't really take her on dates, or surprise her with gifts or flowers, and I would like to work on that, so its kinda understandable why she feels the way she does.


Then at least let her see this blog so she knows how you feel and how others perceive your future. Most of these recommendations will shock her into reality, hopefully.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Trying to change or "fix" others is a difficult task. One day she'll say you're the one that needs fixing.


I dont really see him as thinking he can "change or fix her" rather than discussing with EACH OTHER how they can "meet in the middle"..

I dont see him as "expecting her " to change and be exaclty his perfect ideal ...Or her even expecting him to drop any of his expectations to nothing..

Everything I've suggested would require both to compromise not just her and he hasnt rejected the suggestions..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

While I think your concern is very valid, why didn't you postpone the wedding a long time ago?


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

You don't have to leave her--just postpone the wedding. This problem is not something your going to fix in the next 6 days. No matter how financial tangled y'all are at the moment--your still not married. Marriage takes "financial tangled" to a whole different level. Good luck with your decision.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

241happyhour said:


> You don't have to leave her--just postpone the wedding. This problem is not something your going to fix in the next 6 days. No matter how financial tangled y'all are at the moment--your still not married. Marriage takes "financial tangled" to a whole different level. Good luck with your decision.


Not really not when they apparrently already own a home together..Unless they have children or rack up a LOT of debt soon after the marriage its really not going to change much just becasue of I do..

They like I said are already "financially entagled" joinlty owning a home together..but a short term marriage no children ?Wouldnt alter that much..Like a siad unless say she ran out and ran up a bunch of debt he could be 1/2 responsible for..It woudl be a "simple divorce" or lets say no more complicated than if they broke up now outside of possibly having to hire an attorney..No kids ?No long term marraige no reason he would somehow lose his "1/2" the house..or have to "pay her" anything..


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

Sure--go ahead and get married. Work out the differences later. It makes no sense getting married and already talking about divorce procedures--no sense at all. Marriage is a unbelievable thing, and sir, there is already doubts in your head. Listen to your gut!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sounds like a bridezilla


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Not really not when they apparrently already own a home together..Unless they have children or rack up a LOT of debt soon after the marriage its really not going to change much just becasue of I do..


I agree. Plus I am 99% sure the marriage would happen anyway but would then just be more strained because you lost all your wedding money from the no-go round.

You've already financially tied the knot anyway. Keep asking questions and working together. Communication is key but I don't think canceling the wedding is a very attractive option.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I agree. Plus I am 99% sure the marriage would happen anyway but would then just be more strained because you lost all your wedding money from the no-go round.
> 
> You've already financially tied the knot anyway. Keep asking questions and working together. Communication is key but I don't think canceling the wedding is a very attractive option.


Agreed..Especially I dont think thats what this OP wants..or his future wife..

they woudl save "nothing " by not gettign married IMHO..IF either way they are going to stay together and work on this issue..

Hey OP are you takign a honey moon?...AT LEAST you will be able t look forward to what old timers call "vacation sex"!


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

xandrew245x said:


> You seem to be one of the only that really understand. If i marry her and get an annulment in a month or two, money is wasted, if I just back out of the wedding now money is wasted, either way, its going to happen, but at least if we go through with the marriage maybe we can work things out.
> 
> She was on the birth control shot that she got every 3 months, it has only been about 3 months since she got her last shot, things have gotten better over the past 3 months, so who knows, it may completely change once it completely wears off, I can't just give up on her.


She might want to look at different birth control options. I've known several people who have problems with mood and such on the depo shot. BC can be a tricky game as well since you're dealing with hormones. I'd suggest she talk to her doctor if you or her feel like some of her problems seem to coincide with it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

One thing Op I have in common with you ..I was 19 my husband 21 when we baught the house together ..(that we still own 25 years llater with LOTS of equity.....I "delayed the marriage" and I wasnt "allowed" to move in (I listened to my mother that was "shacking up)..

We jointly oned the home 7 months before tying the knot..(adn me movign in ) both our names on the mortgage..(we each paid half even though put the down payment ..)..

IF we had married and it didnt work out (either one of us wanted out) say within 6 months of marriage (before we had antoher child long story dotn worry about the first one) ..He and I both would have come out "equal" as to division of property..OH wait NO I would have been "1/2" responsible for some of his credit card expendatures..but after all he was usign those for us to go out ot eat and such..Anyway it woldnt have been a ROYAL **** if we had divorced (or annulled) 4 or 6 months after the wedding..More like HE would have had to move back in with his parents and so would have I ..More of an "equal" thing..

Actually HE and I would have made a profit..Because we baught a foreclsure and could have sold the house for more than what we baught it for 18 months later..:lol:

He actually woudl have made out bigger than me..(because I put down he didnt he just signed)...

Anyway the "scare " on getting ****ED is long term marriage with kids..


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

nobeliefinhim said:


> I feel you both are way to young to be having so many problems. If this relationship is this much work when you are so young I am afraid it will not get better only worse if you get married. This is not the girl for you. Go live life you are only young once you have plenty of time to get married


Absolutely best advice I have read... Take your time young man... Move out on your own. If you still want to date her fine. But, you really should take your time. 

I'm 51, wife is 50 and been married 18 years and we have sex 3 times a week... That's even with two boys 11 and 13... We just find it important to share intimacy.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

drerio said:


> Absolutely best advice I have read... Take your time young man... Move out on your own. If you still want to date her fine. But, you really should take your time.
> 
> I'm 51, wife is 50 and been married 18 years and we have sex 3 times a week... That's even with two boys 11 and 13... We just find it important to share intimacy.


I would normally agree with you completely on this drerio. It feels odd actually to be thinking otherwise but each case is different I guess. I mean for me anyway.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I would normally agree with you completely on this drerio. It feels odd actually to be thinking otherwise but each case is different I guess. I mean for me anyway.


Maybe, but just seems like they are getting married based on the momentum built up over the last few years assuming it will carry them towards marital bliss. I may be wrong, and I hope I am, but it looks like trouble ahead very early. 

I would amend my statement to suggest they delay their marriage and consider some serious pre-marital counseling.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

a fool and his money are easily parted....the money part is you paying her alimony,once you get tired of doing the solo sex thing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'd eat the money.

I have eaten the money. I called off a wedding to a man. The closer it got to the wedding, the louder the red flags became. 

Best thing I ever did.

I was the one who called people to tell them. Yes, it was embarrassing and sad, and people were upset. But hey, it wasn't their life. 

Marriage is more than a wedding. We would have had a beautiful wedding. Gorgeous. The marriage would have failed. I know this.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

67flh said:


> a fool and his money are easily parted....the money part is you paying her alimony,once you get tired of doing the solo sex thing.


First of all he may not even live in a state where there is alimony..2nd of all if he does I know in Texas you have to be married a MINMIMUM of 10 years and you have to have specific circumstances to recieve it such as you must prove the person requesting it is at a significant disadvantage to be able to support themselves for example if one was a stay at home parent for many years and has limited job opportunities due to lack of work history.Or if one spouse for example worked to help put the other one through college and now they earn far more than the other..Oh and by the way ..women are ordered to pay alimony too if its the man in the weaker positon ..Not to mention in many of the states where alimony is an option its temporary ..in Texas its a maximum of 3 years or until the spouse is reasonably able to support themselves..

IOW I dont think he needs to be worried about things such as alimony at this stage of his decision ..in fact I KNOW he doesnt.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

xandrew245x said:


> We bought a house together, a car together, other various payments, I think we have financial entanglement...considering neither of us can afford our house on our own.


Making mistakes to perpetuate earlier mistakes is not a good answer. You will be having the courts decide who gets what instead....

Your wife to be has demonstrated how she will react when she gets what she wants out of you... It is to stop giving. 

Ealier I said it's marginally improvable... and it is... but why settle for 50 years of marginal. 

The people here advising you are doing so based on their experience of going through similar situations. Where could you get better advice than that.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Well I have been in very similar situation and Im advising too..just not that the clear cut answer is to cut his ties and run ..the "glimmer" of hope in his situation to ME is this IS being discussed brought out in the open before the marriage has occurred..His acknowledgment that he has "in part" contributed to the issues he knows what his part is and can work on himself too... And SHE isnt saying "I dont see what the issue is " or "your the one with the problem" ..she is being accountable..

As far as Im concerned?Thats more promising than had everything seemed fine then 3-5 years after marriage and a baby or 2 later these issues occured and one or both wont compromise or acknowledge their part in the dysfunction ..Or they cant identify what exactly is CAUSING it in the first place..



> Your wife to be has demonstrated how she will react when she gets what she wants out of you... It is to stop giving.


This also is completely one sided and IMHO not an accurate summation to what has occurred..Did you not read the parts where he acknowledged he had been "selfish too"?How has she "gotten what she wants out of him and then in reacton stopped giving" when he acknowldeges he has acted selfish towards her "too"?

Or does his contribution not even count and its all about her just getting over herself and putting out "for him" regardless of how he acts towards her?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I seen this somewhere and it has stuck with me..."No one puts cheese out once the mouse is caught."


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

O.K...not every difference in sexual desire is a conspiracy theory for the lower drive to cut of sex after you have "trapped the person..

My libido was lower (not LOW lowER) than my husbands and he knew that BEFORE we got married and HE is the one that PUSHED to get married when we did..I was hesitant...If anything he was the one conspiring that after he HAD ME (bought the cow) I could never decline him sex ever again ..problem is he never bothered to tell me his theories on sexual entitlement due to "I do"..

I wish to God we could have had the opportunity or were mature enough to have a dialogue before hand and get some sort of clarity and understanding and acceptance on the matter ...INCLUDING a promise from him to compromise with me not try and "change me" or "fix me" starting litterally on the honeymoon..then proceed to badger me harrass me accuse me of beign "abnormal" becasue I was DIFFERENT than him (which he KNEW before marriage) and completely unwilling to see past his erection to understand me ...

These guys have a CHANCE to work with a DIFFERENCE if they are honest and both WILLING to try and understand the other one and both make a reasonable compromise..Through rational communications ..


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> O.K...not every difference in sexual desire is a conspiracy theory for the lower drive to cut of sex after you have "trapped the person..
> 
> My libido was lower (not LOW lowER) than my husbands and he knew that BEFORE we got married and HE is the one that PUSHED to get married when we did..I was hesitant...If anything he was the one conspiring that after he HAD ME (bought the cow) I could never decline him sex ever again ..problem is he never bothered to tell me his theories on sexual entitlement due to "I do"..
> 
> ...


Not every one, but some are!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

xandrew245x

If you are still listening and completely confused (by all the comments) and yet still determined to marry this woman (your choice), I stand by my statement that you should seriously consider pre-marital counseling. Wish you the best.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

drerio said:


> xandrew245x
> 
> If you are still listening and completely confused (by all the comments) and yet still determined to marry this woman (your choice), I stand by my statement that you should seriously consider pre-marital counseling. Wish you the best.


I agree and myself personally I think EVERYONE should get pre-marital counseling..even if you think you are a match made in heaven..


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I agree and myself personally I think EVERYONE should get pre-marital counseling..even if you think you are a match made in heaven..


I prefer the "seat of the pants" approach. Just do stuff and see what happens :smthumbup:. No I agree.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Not every one, but some are!


Some is one thing..but I see the assumption beign made that IS what this young mans soon to be wife is "planning"..

She would not be making statements such as "all you care about is sex" if she was trying to DECIEVE him into..he would not have admitted he DOES pressure her and has acted selfish(not concerned with her only him getting what he needs)...that lends to her "beleif" all be it "false" ..that he "only cares about sex"..

That is a VERY common dynamic between especially young people with one being super high drive and the other being within NORMS but more average and the super high drive person "pressurign" the lowER drive to do it if you really love me etc..

I dont see any deception on her part (or his) going on here..


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Some is one thing..but I see the assumption beign made that IS what this young mans soon to be wife is "planning"..
> 
> She would not be making statements such as "all you care about is sex" if she was trying to DECIEVE him into..he would not have admitted he DOES pressure her and has acted selfish(not concerned with her only him getting what he needs)...that lends to her "beleif" all be it "false" ..that he "only cares about sex"..
> 
> ...


LOL, see it or not, it could be there.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I bet also she got on BC KNOWING that would lower her libido to try and have an "excuse" to not have sex too?Oh adn when that didnt "work" she feigned "concern" and went to the doctor to switch it in hopes that wouldnt interfere with her natural desire to "trick him" to believing it matters to her?

Yep this 20 year old girl sounds like had it all figured out (the scheme ) by what 18?..How to fake sexual interest to trap the guy?Then months before the wedding (or even a year sounds like) start to reveal her real intentions ?This girl is a pretty bad liar is all I can say....


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> LOL, see it or not, it could be there.


"Could " is not the same as IS...

He "could" be tricking HER into beleivign he really loves her(for her and not just in love with the idea he gets sex on tap) and thinks she "special above the rest" when the reality is he sees the advantage of having a woman guranteed in the bed every night without all the hassle of having to "whoo " and convince a differrent woman every night to satisfy his sex urges..or risk diseases and a criminal record by just hiring a prostitue every day..Could be..

See it or not..Could be there..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> There is absolutely NO reason why she can't have a normal sex life with me especially with how much she says she "loves" me.


O.K here you go ..I hope in counseling they explain this to you ..Just like she is "wrong" (and YOU know it) that "all you care about is sex"..you are "wrong" assuming that NOT wanting sex as frequently as you as you do (which is what you call "high normal) makes her desires "not normal"..

You need to get out of your head that you are the only "normal " one in this relationship just because she isnt identicle to you ..

Differrent from you is not synonomous with "abnormal"..it also is no indicator of not loving someone ...Im a pescatarin (I dont eat any meat but fish and eggs)..my husband eats ALL the meats..beef ,chicken ,pork ...that doesnt make him normal and me "abnormal" or vice versa..It also doesnt mean we dont love each other...

If your differences are SO contradictory ..as in you can NOT be happy with your differences ..she will make you miserable..or you will make her miserable trying to "get the other one " to be exactly like you are both beleiving you're the 'normal one" and the other one is "abnormal" then I agree with everyone telling you cut your losses and end it..


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

You're hijacking the thread dallas... Just saying it's a L O T to read.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I bet also she got on BC KNOWING that would lower her libido to try and have an "excuse" to not have sex too?Oh adn when that didnt "work" she feigned "concern" and went to the doctor to switch it in hopes that wouldnt interfere with her natural desire to "trick him" to believing it matters to her?
> 
> Yep this 20 year old girl sounds like had it all figured out (the scheme ) by what 18?..How to fake sexual interest to trap the guy?Then months before the wedding (or even a year sounds like) start to reveal her real intentions ?This girl is a pretty bad liar is all I can say....


LOL, if it was done on a conscience level she would still be having sex with him, at least until the marriage.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> "Could " is not the same as IS...
> 
> He "could" be tricking HER into beleivign he really loves her(for her and not just in love with the idea he gets sex on tap) and thinks she "special above the rest" when the reality is he sees the advantage of having a woman guranteed in the bed every night without all the hassle of having to "whoo " and convince a differrent woman every night to satisfy his sex urges..or risk diseases and a criminal record by just hiring a prostitue every day..Could be..
> 
> See it or not..Could be there..


Yea, and?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Yea, and?


That was my point to you ..

Could be and ?

The "evidecne" doesnt support it just because it is the case "sometimes"...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> You're hijacking the thread dallas... Just saying it's a L O T to read.


I just adressed the Op on his use of the word "normal" ..I have said my peace I think on the ones who take "could be " as a fact in his situation ..


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> You're hijacking the thread dallas... Just saying it's a L O T to read.
> 
> 
> dallasapple said:
> ...


Just picking.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Just picking.





I like you ..


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

OP, even if you do not postpone the wedding, it is NOT too late to alter your vows. 

When I was married, we said the standard boilerplate vows like 'till death do us part'. Those words are so common as to be almost meaningless and when trouble happens in a marriage, 'till death do us part' often goes out the window. 

Today, if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't say 'till death do us part'. In the vows, I'd actually want to imply that I will stay with the person as long as he keeps treating me with love, respect, intimacy, and I promise to treat him this way every day. As part of the vows, I'd want us to say what we promise to do for each other each day to keep the marriage strong. Make it REALLY specific. 

Here are some ideas: (obviously this is too many to actually use in the ceremony, but you could say more privately)

I promise I will not take you for granted, even after we've been married for 30 years. I promise to keep doing the little things every day like holding hands and sitting down to really listen to you with both eyes and both ears. I will learn your individual love language and do what it takes to make you feel loved throughout our marriage. I will not stop being kind and emotionally and physically affectionate to you as happens in all too many marriages over time. 

I promise to kiss you passionately at least twice a day and give at least you very long four hugs. I promise to be passionately intimate with you (with energy!) at least three times a week unless illness prevents it (and whisper in his ear 'I'll give you BJs twice a week!'). I will make your joy and fulfillment my priority, and expect you to do the same for me.

I promise to go out on a date with you (just the two of us) about once a week, even after we have kids and plan a weekend romantic getaway each year.

I promise to treat you with kindness and respect and not to raise my voice in anger. I will treat your opinion as equally valuable to mine, and work hard to find a win/win compromise when we disagree. In disagreements, I will be polite and calm, take turns speaking and use reflective listening. I will never belittle you, use sarcasm, or indulge in labeling or name calling. I will not say hurtful things in the heat of the moment. I will not walk away from a discussion as long as respect is maintained. 

I will strive to be cheerful and positive in life. I will give compliments and expressions of appreciation 5 times more often than I bring up problems, and will be as kind as possible when mentioning a problem. 

I won't spend more time on social networks, video games, sports, activities with friends, or other hobbies than I do giving you my full attention. I promise to make you and our marriage my #1 priority as long as you will also do the same. I promise to be 100% loyal to you. I will resist any temptation involving anyone outside of our marriage and be wise enough to not put myself in any position where I might be tempted. I will not keep secrets from you. I promise to avoid pornography because of the way it can be addictive and lead to unrealistic expectations. I promise to go to marriage counseling, individual counseling, or sex therapy if either of us asks or feels it would be helpful. If there are problems in our marriage, I will discuss them calmly and not avoid talking about them or working on them. 

I promise to take care of my health and not neglect my weight or fitness, and to see a doctor if you or I are worried about a medical issue or necessary test or medication. I will stay away from addictive substances and activities. 

I promise to leave the toilet seat down ;-) I will do my share of the diaper changes, cooking, and housework. 

I promise to work at an outside job to help pay the bills unless I am ill or taking care of the children when they are small.
I promise to work with you on a financial budget and stick to it, and discuss any large expenditures with you. Any big decisions will be decided together - we will be equal partners in the marriage. 

I'm absolutely aware that marriage and staying in love is a choice. It takes conscious effort and vigilance not to slip into bad habits such as taking each other for granted, not setting aside time alone, or snapping at each other. I'm willing to put in the effort every day for the rest of our marriage. I promise to repeat these promises to you once a month so we will never forget them.

I hope to grow old with you and for our marriage to last for many decades to come. I understand that this will only happen as long as we both work hard to keep our marriage as our highest priority, and maintain these promises to each other.

I typed these off the top of my head, and there are way too many, you'd have to narrow them down to the most important ones. The language could be made more romantic and beautiful. Some of them would only be appropriate to say in the 'non-abridged' version said only in private. 

The idea is to actually say out loud (some of them in front of witnesses) what very specific things you both are committing to do for the duration of your marriage.

Frankly it would be better to start saying these promises to each other during a long engagement and see if your fiance keeps his/her promises. If your fiance can't even keep promises like this before the marriage, it would be very good to find out before it's too late.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

OP, have you had pre-marital counseling? Have you gone to web sites such as marriage builders and done the exercises? Have you both read books together on preparing for marriage (eg. His Needs/Her Needs)? 

Have you had long discussions about what you each expect as far as how many kids, when to have kids, what religion to raise them in? Who will work or stay home and for how long, how to handle finances, and how you will resolve any disagreements (maybe learn fair-fighting techniques)?

Have you had long detailed talks about sex? For example, how often to have sex, how often you each will initiate and how often there will be BJs? Do you want to do anal/bondage/swinging/threesomes/other kinks or options? What else makes for a fulfilling sex life and does your fiance seem to be compatible?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> Most people who truely need anti depressants have a problem with reuptake of certain neurotransmitter chemicals produced by the body. Without getting to technical Certain drugs such as SSRI's control the way those chemicals move within the cells and cause them to function at a normal rate. When these chemicals reuptake to quickly it not only can cause depression but terrible migraines and a whole host of other physical (not just emotional) symptoms.
> 
> In short it is not a week mind but a a real biological problem.


Actually that wasn`t short.


That`s why I used weak as it encapsulates your entire 100 word definition in a single word.

I could describe to you the physiological problems within the tendons of my forearm to describe my carpel tunnel or I can simply tell you "My forearm is weak"

Or I could allow political correctness to obscure my understanding of simple concepts.

I stand by my use of the word "weak"


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I hate to see people need anti depressants because life slapped them in the face or they are not doing what they know they should be and then end up feeling like they are worthless.

It makes me angry that so often the parents did not prepare them.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

He is going to be on here right after the wedding talking about not having sex and being unhappy and forget about telling him anything because he is not going to listen and just think people are comming down on him.

The only way you are going to get sex it to keep her thinking you are going to postpone the wedding so she will know what she needs to do to keep you[Sounds bad].The night before the wedding you need to do every freaky thing you wanted to ever do and if she is not in the mood tell her yoiu will not be there in the morning and you will see how fast she changes her attitude,but after the ring is on the finger you are done.

See you on here after the wedding.


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

I didn't read all 8 pages so sorry if I repeat what others have said. Good luck with the wedding and whatever you decide.

When H and I go through dry patches, it could be because of one or most likely several reasons:

- H is pissing me off! I don't want to have sex with someone who I can't stand to look at for the time being.

- H pisses me off when the only interaction we've had in 3 days is when he's asking me for sex.. No hugs, kissing or cuddling or affection of any kind until he wants sex. Ummmm no sir!

- How H asks for sex..."wanna do it?" "i'm horny" "i'm gonna do you..." makes me roll my eyes. Try not asking for any sex for a week.. just be affectionate and supportive. Break the cycle.. and then start increasing your affections that get the point across that you want to have sex. If she shoots you down.. don't be an ass about it or pout just back off. Try again tomorrow. After a few weeks see what happens. 

- He used to take too long. I got bored... When I wasn't in the mood and doing something else.. I really didn't want to set aside 20 minutes for sex. So we started throwing in more quickies and it made a world of difference for us both. Half of the time it would be a quickie where only he finishes and the other half, I get turned on and then it turns into something longer and more fun for the both of us.

- Physical reasons like UTI's, yeast infections, periods of dryness where sex can hurt ect...

- Insecurity (no matter what you say) is a mood killer.. if we feel ugly we don't feel like having sex.

- I simply didn't find H attractive on a particular day. He use to wear this ugly shirt that made him look like a giant blueberry.. total turn off! Spend excessive time picking his nose... especially rancid breath.... 


Hope that helps!


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