# Two introverts dating



## SARAHMCD

I've started dating a man who is an introvert like me (maybe more so). Before I'd met my husband, 10 years ago, I did about 2 years of online dating. Usually I met a guy, went on date 1, if a little spark and conversation went well, went on date 2. Could usually tell then if there was interest in pursuing (on both sides) any further. Chemistry is a big factor. 

With this guy, we've been on several dates now (7 or 8?). We seem to really like each other and there's definitely physical chemistry. But we've both remarked on the fact that there are often silences between us - sometimes slightly awkward. And we're not doing the "talking until 3 am thing" that you hear about and seems to define if you're really "clicking". 

I think we're both used to dating someone who is more extroverted; keeps the conversation flowing and pulls us out. But strangely, I'm more interested in this guy than I've been with anyone in awhile. Being introverted means we don't just chat about the weather, we have more deep, meaningful conversations - which, if you don't know each other well yet, are a bit hard to strike up at times. 

Has anyone else had this problem? I hate to give up on the potential here but I'm wondering if his good looks and our physical chemistry is blinding me to the fact that "it" just isn't there. Should I just give it more time?


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## SamuraiJack

On the Introversion scale about how far along are you both?


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## Married but Happy

It could be introversion, early days in the relationship, or perhaps one or both of you are boring! (Surely not!) Don't you both have pasts with some interesting events, or hobbies, or family drama you can share, at least? Or philosophical discussions, ideas about what you want in a partner for a relationship, boundaries, etc.? It sounds like you're discussing some of those - no need to hold back if you're both interested, is there? How about all the issues here on TAM that people have about relationships, from number of past partners to retroactive jealousy, or what's acceptable in other sex friends or flirting?

My wife and I are strongly introverted, but we seldom ran out of things to discuss with each other. Silences were _comfortable _silences. Only when we were with other people whom we didn't know well were we quiet(er).


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## minimalME

I'm extremely introverted, and I've found that I prefer other introverts.

Last year, I tried dating an extrovert for 3 months. I get overstimulated _very_ quickly, and my mind would just go numb with the amount of talking - and with his ongoing schedule of activities and events.

Both of my parents punished me with silence (for days on end), so the only time lulls are an issue for me is during unresolved conflict.


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## SARAHMCD

I prefer introverts as well. I used to be highly attracted to extroverts - maybe because they did all the talking and socializing so I didn't have to. I used to feel like I had to be popular so I always felt less than. Since then, I'm much more comfortable in my own skin. 
The extroverts did not understand my need for quiet time and privacy sometimes. We were not compatible. They could just party and socialize from morning through the night. I need a break. I like to read, write and just "be" by myself at times. That said, I have several close friends and do 'get out there' and take classes, go to Trivia nights, etc. But I'm most comfortable being one-on-one with someone in a conversation. 

I think its a matter of getting to know each other better- building that trust - for both of us to open up. Of course, there's also the issue that we've both recently come out of our marriages (him a year, me just a few months). So that's a factor I'm sure. I haven't quite determined his introversion on a scale yet. He does seem to go out a lot - one-on-one with friends - or just does his own thing. He did tell me the thought of going into a room full of strangers where he's expected to mix and mingle makes him quite anxious. So I'm still learning I guess!


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## 3Xnocharm

Are you sure its the silences that are awkward, and not just each of you projecting that silences are SUPPOSED to be awkward? I know that sounds dumb, but since you are both introverts (same here!) you are probably not used to silence being ok. Like, you are sitting there worrying that HE thinks its a bad thing, but then HE is thinking the same thing from HIS side....

I will take silence, awkward or otherwise, over constant blabbering anytime. I was in a relationship before with a man who was VERY extroverted...always had to be the center of attention...and it was exhausting! I cant tell you how many times I wanted to just crawl under the table because of his constant and embarrassing talk and bullsh!t when other people were around.


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## SARAHMCD

Actually he made note of them in an email to me after our 4th date or so saying "we're both quiet people and sometimes our encounters feel a bit awkward, yet we still seem to make it work". I wasn't sure what to read into that!! He pointed it out, but still wanted to see me again, so I guess I should take that as a good sign! Still, the negative word "awkward" threw me. 

Keep in mind, he's a good looking guy in his late 30s with a lot going for him. Its not like he's desperate and hanging on to me because there is no one else. 

Part of it may be me being out of the dating pool for so long....and him too, for that matter. Nerves and thinking too much about what to say next or how to sound interesting, instead of really listening to the other person and using follow up questions. Getting out of our own heads (where introverted people tend to live!). It does seem to slowly be getting more comfortable....still, I find after about 3 hours together, we're done (in terms of conversation I mean). Perhaps we need to start "doing" more together as opposed to just dinner/drinks where you're in a position to constantly feel the need for conversation. 

This is not to say we never have interesting or fun conversations, just that in almost every encounter, there is some point where it seems to fall a bit flat. But as he says, "we seem to make it work" so perhaps time is key.


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## pragmaster

If silence is awkward I don't think either of you are truely introverted. Lol. It's usually awkward for the extrovert . 

I think you're just over thinking it, probably out of fear. 

Both of you should just get wasted one time.


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## Sammiee

SARAHMCD said:


> Being introverted means we don't just chat about the weather, we have more deep, meaningful conversations


Being introverted means you're shy, fearful, socially awkward and usually lack self esteem. It does not mean you have deep meaningful conversations.


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## 3Xnocharm

Sammiee said:


> Being introverted means you're shy, fearful, socially awkward and usually lack self esteem. It does not mean you have deep meaningful conversations.


Um, NO, we are NOT these things! 

10 Myths About Introverts | CarlKingdom.com :: Home of Carl King


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## skype

Sammiee said:


> Being introverted means you're shy, fearful, socially awkward and usually lack self esteem. It does not mean you have deep meaningful conversations.


This is nonsense. The corollary that extroverts are loud, obnoxious, self-centered attention seekers is also nonsense.


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## SARAHMCD

Sammiee said:


> Being introverted means you're shy, fearful, socially awkward and usually lack self esteem. It does not mean you have deep meaningful conversations.


Wow. Being introverted does NOT mean you lack self esteem. Or that you're fearful or socially awkward. Here's some characteristics for you:
-they enjoy quietly being alone
-they are highly introspective
-they prefer to know fewer people at a deeper level
- they are great listeners
-they have a lot of fun (even reading a book is fun!)
- they don't enjoy being center of attention
-they don't like to talk about themselves
- they want to *really* get to know you
- they notice things others often miss
- they easily see other people's point of view
- they aren't necessarily shy
-they are drained by high energy people
- they like to take things slow


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## Sammiee

who knew


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## SARAHMCD

Oh - and thanks for the tip about getting wasted together - You might be on to something there!!!


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## 3Xnocharm

SARAHMCD said:


> Oh - and thanks for the tip about getting wasted together - You might be on to something there!!!


As introverted as I am, alcohol makes my mouth run! lol!!


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## minimalME

Misleading title, but a good article - Revenge of the Introvert


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## southbound

Sammiee said:


> Being introverted means you're shy, fearful, socially awkward and usually lack self esteem. It does not mean you have deep meaningful conversations.


Huh?  I never heard that used to describe an introvert before.


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## SARAHMCD

Update. So things have progressed. We started texting and flirting and our last date this week was a lot of fun. I was much more chatty, shooting question after question at him. About his past, about some current projects he's working on, etc. Which got him talking. However, he didn't really shoot much back at me. He rarely seems to ask things about me - more than "how was your day?" or some other recent event type question. No probing questions or really getting to know you questions. If I share something I'm interested in, he will ask a few questions, but he rarely initiates. I feel like if I didn't do 80% of the talking, there would be a lot of silence. 

Is this just a guy thing? And an introverted guy thing at that? 

I don't want to waste too much time or get any hopes up with someone that is just not into me. If he just needs more time to feel more comfortable opening up that's fine. 

But I just left my ex-husband who was very self-absorbed and rarely showed interest in me so I'm feeling like I might be following a bad pattern here. Or am I way over analyzing things??


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## 3Xnocharm

Sarah, this keeps up, meaning him not asking about you, then I would say you should dump him. It may just take him longer than most people to really feel comfortable and warm up to someone. Give it a little time doing what you are doing, and if he doesnt start reciprocating...be done.


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