# Therapeutic Post



## Tampa (Apr 16, 2017)

Married for 10 years, and we have a kid. Typing out this post is therapeutic as its really my only outlet. 

When I first started dating my wife, I met her parents. She immediately began talking to her parents like they were sub-human. Barking orders, angry responses to simple questions, demanding to be helped, etc. This was strikingly different than how she acted around me. I actually remember looking at her like, "what is going on?". She just looked at me odd and shrugged. Fast forward 4 years, we are married, and now she treats me like she treats her parents. I blame myself, as I should have realized that this was going to happen. Interesting note, I see this dynamic between her and her mom. Her mom has to help people (or she flips out) and my wife requires to be helped (or she flips out). 

She is a stay at home mom and works all day doing stay at home mom work, I am a CEO of a company. I spend hours practicing for a public speech I need to do in front of hundreds of people, and gaining the confidence to do the speech. And she spends minutes yelling at me and removing any sense of confidence that I have. I get complaints everyday how I dont do enough for the family, or for the home. I work all the time to take care of my family. If I so much as leave a glass somewhere in the house, she blows up at me and starts talking to me like I am not a human. I cannot leave any signs that I live at the house. My only refuge is my dirty clothes hamper where I can just toss clothes in, and my office where I can put papers on my desk. The other day I left my shoes in the incorrect spot and she blows up crying at me. ugh.

So we go to therapy. Therapist asks me, "what do you want out of this?". I reply, "to be respected as a human". She replies with a freaking huge list of things that I dont do. Though, we know how the ending of therapy goes, "you cant change them, you can only change you". So, now I live in constant worry that I am forgetting to pick up my shoes, or that I may have forgotten a glass somewhere in the house, or else deal with the repercussions. Funny story, I actually brought photos of the inside of our home to therapy once, and had her find the items that I had left out.. In her word, "things that I leave out for her to deal with."... She was unable to find evidence that I lived in the house using the photos... 

Sorry I am all over the place. The other thing I notice, is that when my wife meets someone new - she is so nice to them! It's not until she loves someone that she starts to rip them apart. The other thing I noticed, is I don't think she can tell when she is ripping someone apart. For example, if I ask her why she just exploded on her parents, she will ask me - "what do you mean?". How do you get someone to treat others with respect, when they don't even realize what they are doing? Another sad thing, is she is starting to treat my parents this way now, and my parents are the sweetest and kindest people  

I do stand up for myself, but it doesnt change her behavior. I have tried talking to her the way she does to me, tried defending my actions, tried leaving the room, tried leaving the home.. I am in constant worry that I am going to forget to help her, or forget to pick something up that I left behind me, or forget to take care of what she is worrying about. If I forget something, I pay the consequences. I stay because I want to see my kid everyday of the week.

Ok, I feel better now. Thanks for giving me a sounding board.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Where does one begin...where does one end? End it? Not life, but life with "these" miserable people.

And simple as it sounds, there is no other solution. You got a lemon.

Lemons are sour. You must add copious amounts of water, sugar and forgetfulness to the mix to make them palatable.

I hope you got beautiful children out of this. The only plus.

Move on. Leave her to her own devices. I will say no more. My closet has odd folks "there", also.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Check out borderline personality disorder (BPD)... 

Alternatively, she may have just figured she can push you to divorce and win the alimony lotto.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wow, I am sorry to hear this. She does not sound like a very nice person. And your living in fear does not sound sustainable.

Have you asked her how she would feel if you treated her the way she treats you? Be sure to give her specific examples.

On a deeper level, though, she does not seem very happy in herself. Probably very hard on herself if she is so critical of others. Was that explored in therapy?


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

"If I so much as leave a glass somewhere in the house, she blows up at me and starts talking to me like I am not a human."

Me too! I know what you are going through. And you have children! I know you love your children but I bet you wish you could turn back the clock. I have had 16 years of this. No way out man unless you want to lose you children. And would you leave the children with her? No way. She will only turn the crap she throws at you onto them (if you leave I mean)

Mine is exactly the same! 

But I work at home and so does she - I am stuck with her all the time. I have to tip toe around. Is that you going to the toilet again! That's three times in an hour! You never change.

At least you can get some peace when you go to work.

Mine also explodes on her family. When her mum visited they had a row and my wife threw a laptop at her - injuring her shin. 

There's so much about men abusing women and rightly so - but it cuts the other way too though.

People say - dont take that crap - leave her etc. Ha - but you have children eh. Sort of complicates matters a little.

You poor guy - I know exactly what you are experiencing.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

jld said:


> Wow, I am sorry to hear this. She does not sound like a very nice person. And your living in fear does not sound sustainable.
> 
> Have you asked her how she would feel if you treated her the way she treats you? Be sure to give her specific examples.
> 
> On a deeper level, though, she does not seem very happy in herself. Probably very hard on herself if she is so critical of others. Was that explored in therapy?


she will most likely say she never gives reason to be spoken to like that - you behave like crap - and are treated accordingly - that will be her response.

you people dont know what this guy is dealing with - not a rational person.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Where does one begin...where does one end? End it? Not life, but life with "these" miserable people.
> 
> And simple as it sounds, there is no other solution. You got a lemon.
> 
> ...


good reply - except "move on"

where to?

do you seriously suggest he leave his kids in the care of an unbalanced angry wife? They will need his protection from her from the sounds of it.


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## Tampa (Apr 16, 2017)

MrRight said:


> good reply - except "move on"
> 
> where to?
> 
> do you seriously suggest he leave his kids in the care of an unbalanced angry wife? They will need his protection from her from the sounds of it.


Exactly. I love seeing my child every day. I am also concerned that my child will grow up with the same attitude  So, at least I can be here for now, to show my kid how people should be treated. I'd love to "flip a switch" and have my wife change to a normal person, my life would be so easier if I can stay married to her. However, I am not a fool. At some point I need to be happy, and enjoy that fact that I am alive and healthy. I would be awesome if its with her, and it will still be awesome if its not with her.

Funny story. I sit around worried that I may have forgotten to do something that would cause her to blow up. However, if I asked her right now: where is your purse? where is your ID? where is your wallet? where is your phone? where are your glasses? She would have no idea. There is no penalty to her forgetting anything. When she goes to find these things, she blows up at me that I am not helping her hard enough to find them. ugh.


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## Edward333 (Feb 13, 2017)

I am also married (for now) to a woman who treated me exactly the way the OP is describing. I'm embarrassed to say it took me 12 years to wake up to reality and file for divorce.

Thank God I didn't have kids with her.

My divorce will be finalized in another couple weeks and I couldn't be happier. I feel like a 130 pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders.


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## FamilyMaid (Apr 22, 2017)

She sounds as "pleasant" as my husband can be at times. We haven't talked about anything important in the past week. I flipped the tables on him and he's afraid to say anything. Let him stew in it a bit. I'm just tired of being attacked about everything. 

Maybe that would work on her, too, but don't ignore the children.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

Tampa said:


> Exactly. I love seeing my child every day. I am also concerned that my child will grow up with the same attitude  So, at least I can be here for now, to show my kid how people should be treated. I'd love to "flip a switch" and have my wife change to a normal person, my life would be so easier if I can stay married to her. However, I am not a fool. At some point I need to be happy, and enjoy that fact that I am alive and healthy. I would be awesome if its with her, and it will still be awesome if its not with her.
> 
> Funny story. I sit around worried that I may have forgotten to do something that would cause her to blow up. However, if I asked her right now: where is your purse? where is your ID? where is your wallet? where is your phone? where are your glasses? She would have no idea. There is no penalty to her forgetting anything. When she goes to find these things, she blows up at me that I am not helping her hard enough to find them. ugh.


Amazing - you sound like you are describing my wife. Mine also says - usually when we are just about to go out - where's my mobile phone? Find it! Mine's also got a thing about having to clean up anything after me - you've blocked the sink again! why didnt you wipe down the worktops! and when she does the cooking the cooker looks like a multi topping pizza and I have to clean it. All this despite me being the sole breadwinner.

How old is your youngest child? Mine is 16 - not far off getting his university place - so I have some light at the end of the tunnel. The early years were the worst - I am starting to get nervous now that we are reaching an endgame position.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

Edward333 said:


> I am also married (for now) to a woman who treated me exactly the way the OP is describing. I'm embarrassed to say it took me 12 years to wake up to reality and file for divorce.
> 
> Thank God I didn't have kids with her.
> 
> My divorce will be finalized in another couple weeks and I couldn't be happier. I feel like a 130 pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders.


Yes thank god you didnt have kids. I was planning to leave mine after I realised what I had married. But guess what. I got careless and one day she told me she was pregnant. I cant begin to describe what I felt about that news. 

When you tell people on forums you are in this mess they say - well you have to leave - it's bad for the kids staying together. They have no idea.


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