# Husband has been sleeping with his best friend, need advice



## kim1 (Apr 15, 2013)

I'm here because I have proof my husband has been cheating on me and I need advice. 
It's simple actually. We were sitting on the couch last week watching movie previews with my sister's kids so we could decide what to rent. Husband just upgraded his iphone to the iphone 5 so I was playing around with it on the internet. For some odd reason, he just took the phone out of my hands. He didn't say anything but just grabbed it. I didn't say anything either but it seemed kind of strange. I never go through his phone because I thought he didn't have anything to hide. 

When he went to sleep, I went through his phone. He keeps a code on it which I know is my birthday. I didn't find anything suspicious on it until I made it to the pictures. That's when my heart fell to the ground.

There are tons and I mean tons of pictures of my husband giving oral sex to his best friend which is also a male. Even more disturbing is the fact that the majority of the pictures show my husband's face covered in semen. I just totally lost it and started crying. To make matters worst, there is a video of him giving his friend a blow job in the parking lot. They basically do it in between some cars in what looks like my husbands job and it ends with my husband down on his knees covered in semen.

As you can guess, this has turned my world upside down. I haven't told him what I found but I left to come stay with my mother. This same best friend of his used to hit on me and tried to get me to cheat with him. I never told my husband because I didn't want to ruin their relationship but I also never gave in to his advances. What kind of behavior is this and what should I do? We have been married for 3 years and planned to have a child next year when I finish school.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Holy sh*t! This is awful. What do you want from this situation? Is the marriage over? Definitely, do NOT have kids with this man. You have been shown he is capable of cheating, you have a double whammy in that any future with him will be racked with unease towards both men and women. No one is safe! So, do not tie yourself to him further. 

Leave him, and tell him his best friend hit on you too. Though you never took him up on his offer. His best friend is poison.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, this is bad. Sorry you are going through this.

If I were you, I'd assume that this is not the only sex your husband is having with men. He seems to like doing this in risky situations.. like in the parking lot at work. Gads if he got caught he'd probably lose his job and they might call the police as well. Does his best friend work with him? Or does more effort have to go into planning this sort of thing for them?

A lot of times when a person seeks out risky sex situations they do it in many places. For example picking up men in public bathrooms is a very common one. Advertising for casual sex on Craigslist is another.

Also keep in mind that even if your husband does not seek out sex with other men in different venues, his friend might. This can expose you to a lot of STD's. You need to get STD tested asap.

Your husband will probably never be able to be faithful to you since you cannot satisfy this sexual urge he seems to have. He needs another man to do it.

Are you thinking of divorce? This seems like the only option you have.. unles you are ok with your husband doing this. And it sounds like you are not ok with it.

When are you going to let him know that you are aware of his dirty little secret?


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## RogerDA (Nov 3, 2012)

Kim,

the first thing you need to do is protect yourself. He is engaging in very high risk behaviors. Sex acts in a public parking lot, especially where you work, is a very bad sign.

As EleGirl said, you need to get checked for STDs now!! 

You also need to plan for how you will confront him. Time, place etc... Also, where will you go if you need to get away from him. Are you ready to kick him out?

I too have been on the receiving end of a bizarrely deceptive spouse. Circle the wagons and protect your heart. But you really, really need to use your head right now. Because if you are not very careful your love for him and the family you have built will blind you to so many dangers and red flags. This kind of breach of trust is not the way to start a marriage or a family. And this behavior is not the type of thing that can just be passed over or explained away.

Always remember, he knew that you could access his phone yet he kept those pictures there. If he had a modicum of sense and did not want you to find them there are plenty of Apps in the iTunes store that would have allowed him to keep them hidden and you would never know they even existed. If a cheater really doesnt want you to know they are cheating, there are many ways they can hide what they are doing. And they do not need to be technological wizards.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Oh dear!
This is not the type of thing anyone male or female would expect to see regarding their partner. 
First line is as suggested here so far is self-protection. Sadly you will need to refraine from any sexual contact until youve been checked for STDs. 
In the mean time I suggest some very quick legal advice. This is clearly a breakdown in the marridge. Im afraid you will need to give though as to if you want to stay with this guy. If it were me the answer wuld e a firm NOPE! But we dont know your situation with children, committment etc. 

You woud be wise to get some of the shots across to your phone and delete the history from his phone so that everything you do is covert, you dont need him deletng and hiding any more from you. Then you can start the reveal process. Its not going to be nice at all infact ist going to hurt like hell. but you need to understand taht even if your H is Bi, you should nt find out like this or be put at risk that could cause you health issues.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

I am really sorry you are in this awful situation. 
You are quite remarkable actually to keep your cool and not confront him when you saw those pictures and the best approach is to start making your exit. Make sure you can support yourself and have somewhere to live, even if you have to go to your parents it is better than staying with him.
And no matter how much you love him, he will not change. Not having children is a blessing for you. Leave him, you are young, you will find someone else. 
Start planning your future without him……


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## kim1 (Apr 15, 2013)

Looking back, I can't believe I was so stupid and naive. Throughout our time dating and until now, I never had any reason to spy on him. He was the perfect man. Never would I have thought this would happen to me. He has been friends with that scum bag before we even met so there's no telling how long this arrangement has been going on.

It hurts so much thinking about those pictures. He looked so happy in the pictures and its disgusting to think that he would turn around and kiss me after that. I seriously don't think I can recover from this. I wanted to spend my life with him and now this.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

This is so terrible! My heart hurts for you! Don't let him know that you know. Not yet. I know it will be hard but wait for the other more experienced members hear to advise you. I'm sure they will be here shortly. There are important things you need to do before you confront.

This is important Kim1 *do not confront until the others get here!*


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## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

Kim, 
I am so saorry to hear about this. As a straight man, it is hard to wrap my mind around this whole situation. I know you say he is the perfect man to you and you wanted to have children with him. The thing is, you don't know him at all. Hiding a crush or an office flirt is one thing. But this is huge. He has been hiding not only an infidelity but his whole sexual orientation. He may be bi-sexual, but i guarantee you never even had the slightest suspicion that your husband was capable of this. Also, he has risked your health. Get checked ASAP!! He could have transmitted an STD that could affect your ability to have a child without transmitting to the child as well. I am so sorry for you. You are in the right place to get input and insight.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Doing it in public places and having photos and a vid on his phone tells me this dude wants to be caught!

Also, sucking another mans penis tells me he is chemically imbalanced or wrongly wired!

Arent you so glad you found this out before having children with him? I hope you havent contracted HIV in the process though 

Just a thought (maybe i'm a bit sick), but go get tested for HIV, assuming it comes back negative, tell him to sit down that you have some terrible news for him. Then tell him you had some random tests done at your gp and you came back + for HIV, and you dont understand how this has happened since you have been utterly faithfull the whole time. Then sit back and enjoy...


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Please leave, he is this kind of gay people who get married live a lie and get married to lie to people He is not good, leave him. He is a cheater, he will give you STD, not only he cheated but he keeps the pictures! this is a sign that the relationship with the man is more important than you marriage


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## nodirection (Jul 30, 2012)

Just count your blessings that children are not involved. That makes for a much much easier transition.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Also that man wanted you to cheat because he and your H want to find a way to bring him into your family as menage a trois. He wants to find a way to have you caught by ur H and than the H would say " you did it with him and now i can do some with him and it would be your fault| connect dots together!


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

Piss him off the dirty bastard.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

I'm really sorry that you are here. You have to do what is right for you. I can only speak for me. If I didnt share a child with my spouse, I would have left. You deserve the best. The shock will end. You will find your worth within yourself. It will get better. You deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

kim1 said:


> I'm here because I have proof my husband has been cheating on me and I need advice.
> It's simple actually. We were sitting on the couch last week watching movie previews with my sister's kids so we could decide what to rent. Husband just upgraded his iphone to the iphone 5 so I was playing around with it on the internet. For some odd reason, he just took the phone out of my hands. He didn't say anything but just grabbed it. I didn't say anything either but it seemed kind of strange. I never go through his phone because I thought he didn't have anything to hide.
> 
> When he went to sleep, I went through his phone. He keeps a code on it which I know is my birthday. I didn't find anything suspicious on it until I made it to the pictures. That's when my heart fell to the ground.
> ...


I'm sorry this has happened to you. This type of behavior simply means he is attracted to men. You'll have to let him know that you saw the photos, and try to remain calm. I'd want to know how long this has been going on. Personally, this would lead me directly to a divorce attorney.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Kim. Be thankful you don't have kids. You need to D asap. Your husband is a gay man who is refusing to come out. You are simply his front.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Before you do ANYTHING, you should find a local lawyer, and find out if infidelity has any bearing in your area if you divorce. If it does, your lawyer can advise you as to your next steps (like getting copies of the pics). If nothing else, you get find out your rights and responsibilities.

I don't think this is something you can "fix", unless you're willing to have an open marriage. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant now. But I'd just be planning on how you can get out of there ASAP. 

C


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

kim1 said:


> Looking back, I can't believe I was so stupid and naive. Throughout our time dating and until now, I never had any reason to spy on him. He was the perfect man. Never would I have thought this would happen to me. He has been friends with that scum bag before we even met so there's no telling how long this arrangement has been going on.
> 
> It hurts so much thinking about those pictures. He looked so happy in the pictures and its disgusting to think that he would turn around and kiss me after that. I seriously don't think I can recover from this. I wanted to spend my life with him and now this.


Yes you can and will recover. It seems that way because it's still fresh in your mind. It's important to realize that none of us are perfect. I think if you look back you may think of something small you observed with his behavior that shrugged off.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

PBear said:


> Before you do ANYTHING, you should find a local lawyer, and find out if infidelity has any bearing in your area if you divorce. If it does, your lawyer can advise you as to your next steps (like getting copies of the pics). If nothing else, you get find out your rights and responsibilities.
> 
> I don't think this is something you can "fix", unless you're willing to have an open marriage. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant now. But I'd just be planning on how you can get out of there ASAP.
> 
> C


Kim THIS all the way! 

PLUS the Dr appointment to get tested. 

If you find out his actions have no bearing on the divorce walk out and never look back. No point in spending another moment with him. No need to confront or ever face him again. Hopefully you were renting and all you need to do is arrange to get your stuff. Have a family member do that for you. 

If it's more complicated than that you can get plenty of help here. Just post the circumstances.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

First I so sorry this happened to you...take care of you right now. It sounds like your husband is Bisexial or Gay and that this is a long-term relationship he has had with this other man. I have a feeling your husband knows about his friend hitting on you....since the friend hit on you my guess is they are both Bisexual. They may be looking to see if you would like a threesome relationship or the best friend is trying to come between you two. 

Either way get STD tested and make sure you have copies of the photos in case you need them for a divorse. Unlike other divorses....men who are unfaithful with other men don't want any publicity....they are in the closet for a reason they don't want anyone to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Get copies of those pictures. Whatever ends up happening, they will be like gold.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Yes get out of the marriage as soon as you can. Move out, stop contact other then legal matters and they can be done by an attorney. There is no hope for a person of this nature!


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Fleur de Cactus said:


> Also that man wanted you to cheat because he and your H want to find a way to bring him into your family as menage a trois. He wants to find a way to have you caught by ur H and than the H would say " you did it with him and now i can do some with him and it would be your fault| connect dots together!


+1

This goes way beyond him being secretly gay. 

Your husband had an entire plan for your life that you knew nothing about. His male lover was in on it.

Get out. This is a hopeless situation. There's nothing to salvage. There's nothing to work out. You're marriage is done. 

Kick him out of the house/apartment today. File for divorce immediately.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you told your parents or anyone else of what you found on his cell phone?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Thankfully no children are involved. I've known a guy who came out after a lengthy marriage, and he had also been carrying on with men for most of his life, in secret. He even donated blood regularly just as a way to have his blood screened for HIV without having to go to his doctor or a clinic. Disgusting double life.

You cannot fix this man. He's gay but won't fully embrace it, so he uses you to give him the appearance of a "normal" life. Stop being his "beard".

SO sorry you are here.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

barbados said:


> Kim. Be thankful you don't have kids. You need to D asap. Your husband is a gay man who is refusing to come out. You are simply his front.


:iagree:

She should also D because of the health risks involved, she doesn't want to catch HIV from him. He's obviously the "catcher" in his homosexual relationship.


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## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

Kim, 
I think you need to dissect this a little as well. You have been hit by a double whammy.

First: If the scenario was different and you found pictures and videos on his phone of him involved in a sexual act of any kind with another WOMAN, would you be able to forgive him and work towards reconciliation.

Second: If you knew before you starting dating or before you married your husband, that he was into homosexuality, would have stilled dated and married him?

If your answer to BOTH of these was yes, you might be able to work towards reconciliation, but you would have a LONG road ahead of you. 

If your answer was NO to one or both of these, you sadly don't have any chance of reconciliation. 

Whether it was a man or woman, he still cheated. That needs to be a seperate factor from the homosexuality. 

The fact that he was doing something with another man is a HUGE lie and misrepresentation of who he his and who he portayed himself to be to you. 

Our collective views on homosexuality shouldn't have any affect on the conversation. 

If you were a man saying that your boyfriend cheated, we wouldn't all be so taken back. It is easy to let that cloud things. 

Seperate the two issues and decide if you can deal with any of it. 

So very sorry that your in this position. 

I am a little past a month of finding out my wife of 13 years slept with my now former best friend. We are working through it. I, we all can empathize with your pain.


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## littlesweetling (Feb 16, 2013)

Kim1 - sorry to welcome you to the group. I have and am walking in very similar shoes. I have been married for over 30 years to my husband and have caught him cheating repeatedly (men and women). This is not the group you want to be in....your young, take the advise here and get out of the relationship now! You can't fix this and you did nothing to cause it!!! He needs professional help and only he can change himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

If you husband is bisexual or gay there's likely no "fixxing" that. He might be able to suppress that side of himself for a while but it will probably manifest secretly. Which means you will likely be exposed to STDs or worse.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Yea I would be willing to bet that he is pretty much gay but is able to pull off the straight man. Also given that he is doing the oral it would appear that he is likely the equivalent to the female of the relationship. I would expose this to his mother and father only for now. I would also get checked for STD's and file. There is not point in continuing this relationship especially if he is just acting.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Your husband is on the "Down Low"...he enjoys sex with men but enjoys the benefits of marriage. You have NO hope for a normal marriage...time to start the process of moving forward with your life and leaving him in your past. So sorry....


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I absolutely agree with above poster. Get copies of those pictures! They will be like gold! Put them safely away, several copies, online, with a lawyer, wherever they will be totally safe. This means that if they count as leverage in a divorce settlement, you have leverage. If he turns nasty, you have leverage. If you need them, you have them.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

Yikes! Sorry Kim.

Just to confirm. STD panel, lawyer, divorce, live new and fulfilling life with an unconfused man. With him, your future is bleak and full of turmoil. Without him, you will feel pain for a year, then your future will be sunny and happy!

Good luck Kim.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

badbane said:


> Yea I would be willing to bet that he is pretty much gay but is able to pull off the straight man. Also given that he is doing the oral it would appear that he is likely the equivalent to the female of the relationship.


Yes, I would say he's the _"catcher"_ and the OM is the _"pitcher"_.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

There is always a flutter of ignorant views expressed whenever a 'gay' story is posted on here.

Sure, the husband is bisexual. Bisexual men in marriages are no more or less likely to stray from marriage than hetrosexual men. It's an orientation, not some sort of uncontrollable compulsion which must be met, just as I don't screw any woman that I'm attracted to when I'm in a marriage. 

This should be treated in EXACTLY the same way, as if the OP had found photos of her spouse with another woman. Fundamentally there is no other difference.

All this talk of STDs is the same as it would be with any sexual partner also. Unless it has been proven that he indulges in unprotected anal sex, which we have NO idea if he is, then it's no more a case of potential to catch something, than it would be with any random woman. 

Also trying to work out if he is the 'catcher' or 'pitcher' from who was going down on who is ridiculous....do you think 'pitchers' never do that too?

At the end of the day, this is infidelity and should be dealt with as such. The sexual orientation of the OP or her husband does not fundamentally change that.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

mrtickle said:


> There is always a flutter of ignorant views expressed whenever a 'gay' story is posted on here.
> 
> Sure, the husband is bisexual. Bisexual men in marriages are no more or less likely to stray from marriage than hetrosexual men. It's an orientation, not some sort of uncontrollable compulsion which must be met, just as I don't screw any woman that I'm attracted to when I'm in a marriage.
> 
> ...


Respectfully disagree:

Betrayal number one: Affair
Betrayal number two: Bisexual

(you can rearrange if you like)

The foundation of the marriage is based on the union of a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman (I am a raging democrat so don't care). This marriage is a sham from it's inception if the foundational principle upon which it was formed is entirely false.

An affair is a corrupt and hurtful event. Often a mistake due to fog etc., etc., that can be repaired under the right circumstances. How do you repair that she married a non-heterosexual man? 

If, like me, you believe that bisexuality, or homosexuality is a chromosomal occurrence, it follows that his behavioral pattern is absolutely not subject to reversal, which renders reconciliation entirely and utterly impossible.

_Edit_:

I agree that pitcher and catcher comments are adolescent at best.

STD panel is a must. There are higher rates of promiscuity among non-heterosexual people. We can debate the reasons all day long, but it is likely that if H is closet, then he might be testing waters. Again, a heterosexual WS may target the object of their desires, whereas, in this case, H may be out there trying to come to grips with his fundamental tendencies.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

PastOM said:


> Respectfully disagree:
> 
> Betrayal number one: Affair
> Betrayal number two: Bisexual
> ...


I'm sorry but that is just incorrect.

We are talking about sexual orientation. That has nothing whatsoever to do with ability to commit, or ability to stay loyal. If we consider the kinsey scale to be true, there are not that many 'truly straight' or 'truly gay' people anyway - everyone is somewhere on the spectrum.

A bisexual person (we have absolutely NO evidence that they are homosexual and in a pretend marriage, please remember that) is no more or less likely to stray than a hetrosexual person is. If you commit to someone, you commit - regardless of orientation.

I'm not getting away from the fact this IS betrayal and needs to be dealt with as such, I just feel putting too much weighting on the orientation is just leading to bad advice.

As for Reconciliation - that would depend on a number of factors....whether the betrayal was caused due to a gay man being in a sham marriage, whether it was experimentation, if he was a serial cheater (with men and/or women) and so on. If however, the grounds for reconciliation are met - and these would ultimately be the same grounds as for any relationship - then I would even suggest that the husband being bisexual may even make this easier, as there is not an emotional connection to another woman to deal with amongst all this. It would need total openness, trust and commitment from the WS, just as any relationship would.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

mrtickle said:


> I'm sorry but that is just incorrect.
> 
> We are talking about sexual orientation. That has nothing whatsoever to do with ability to commit, or ability to stay loyal. If we consider the kinsey scale to be true, there are not that many 'truly straight' or 'truly gay' people anyway - everyone is somewhere on the spectrum.
> 
> ...


I really like your answer, but still disagree.

You, and the researches of the subject may well be in tune with the variances of center line heterosexuality, but I am a firm believer that most of us, even the overly erudite, pay little mind to expansive thinking of human developmental science when considering our partners.

I'm not claiming to be right about this at all, nor am I competing here. I understand your points, but disagree that this is just an additional piece of information when dealing with foundational relationship issues.

As for being easier to reconcile. The mind movies now move from torrid sex with the buxom lady, to a seaman covered face. Perhaps my own societal influences are overly strong, but I do not see how the latter can be a more acceptable image than the former - merely from my perspective.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Copy everything you can and prepare for divorce. Since you have never snooped before there is very likely stuff on the computer too.

It's advisable to retain as much evidence as you can. At a minimum it will avoid the denials cheaters always use and also get him to agree on divorce forthwith.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mrtickle said:


> There is always a flutter of ignorant views expressed whenever a 'gay' story is posted on here.
> 
> Sure, the husband is bisexual. Bisexual men in marriages are no more or less likely to stray from marriage than hetrosexual men. It's an orientation, not some sort of uncontrollable compulsion which must be met, just as I don't screw any woman that I'm attracted to when I'm in a marriage.
> 
> ...


But to be fair, he should have said to his wife to be: "By the way, I am bisexual."

(Gee! I just used that weird Britishism "to be fair!" )

BTW... I think that it might be possible that OP could seek an annulment as the basis of their wedding might be seen to have been other than it was depicted as.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> But to be fair, he should have said to his wife to be: "By the way, I am bisexual."
> 
> (Gee! I just used that weird Britishism "to be fair!" )


He may not have even considered that side of things at all when they met or got married. Especially if he is fairly young still.

We still don't know anything other than the betrayal with his 'friend' which amounted to oral sex. Anything else is guesswork on our part (incidently, and this is MY guesswork....if there were 'tons' of photos of oral sex, I wonder if this is the only aspect he has indulged in - simply because if there was anal sex, there would also be photos of that too I would think, seeing as he was being a bit nonchalant about keeping his sex pics on his iphone anyway!)

Back to the topic - I know people who have experimented, and not carried on down that path. I know people who have 'come out' as bisexual to some degree and remained in a loving marriage (and in one case, where the wife has embraced this side of things as part of their own lovemaking). Each to their own.



> BTW... I think that it might be possible that OP could seek an annulment as the basis of their wedding might be seen to have been other than it was depicted as.


I don't think this would work, although I don't know US marriage law. 

All we know is that they have been married for 3 years, and presumably have an active sex life as they were planning for a child. 

It may indeed be a sham/lavender marriage, but the signs look more like experimentation or a bisexual husband with a lack of relationship boundaries to me.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

mrtickle said:


> There is always a flutter of ignorant views expressed whenever a 'gay' story is posted on here.
> 
> Sure, the husband is bisexual. Bisexual men in marriages are no more or less likely to stray from marriage than hetrosexual men. It's an orientation, not some sort of uncontrollable compulsion which must be met, just as I don't screw any woman that I'm attracted to when I'm in a marriage.
> 
> ...


I believe the poster mentioned a photo of her husband with semen all over his face, that's a strong commitment to unsafe sex. It's probably germane, in that if he's trying to hide it he may be pressuring himself into even riskier behavior.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

carolinadreams said:


> I believe the poster mentioned a photo of her husband with semen all over his face, that's a strong commitment to unsafe sex. It's probably germane, in that if he's trying to hide it he may be pressuring himself into even riskier behavior.


I'm not sure that is true, although I'm not a medical professional.

I would say having a face covered in semen is probably one of the 'safer' activities you can get up to.

I've heard some Japanese girls are quite fond of that method too


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

One other point.....this 'best friend' he has - what is HIS orientation?

Is he a gay guy who may have influenced the husband?
Is he married too?

I only ask because from what I have come across, male friends from 'before' such experimentation, are not often partners in this sense, as the friendship doesn't generally 'cross that line'. I am wondering aloud if this 'best friend' has been relatively recently on the scene


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mrtickle said:


> One other point.....this 'best friend' he has - what is HIS orientation?
> 
> Is he a gay guy who may have influenced the husband?
> Is he married too?
> ...


I'd seriously question if these two were ever "friends" in the traditional sense.

Most likely this is what their relationship has always been.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mrtickle said:


> He may not have even considered that side of things at all when they met or got married. Especially if he is fairly young still.


Would you agree that if he was aware of his bisexual orientation before marriage and led her to believe he was hetero THAT is a misleading fundamental betrayal?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mrtickle said:


> He may not have even considered that side of things at all when they met or got married. Especially if he is fairly young still.
> 
> We still don't know anything other than the betrayal with his 'friend' which amounted to oral sex. Anything else is guesswork on our part (incidently, and this is MY guesswork....if there were 'tons' of photos of oral sex, I wonder if this is the only aspect he has indulged in - simply because if there was anal sex, there would also be photos of that too I would think, seeing as he was being a bit nonchalant about keeping his sex pics on his iphone anyway!)
> 
> ...


Could be. I knew a couple like this. It ended badly. They divorced on the grounds of his adultery with a man.

He then proceeded to cheat on boy friend after boy friend. As for his wife? Last thing I heard she was living with a woman who looked like a lorry driver.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Would you agree that if he was aware of his bisexual orientation before marriage and led her to believe he was hetero THAT is a misleading fundamental betrayal?


I don't think it would a betrayal in itself, if he wasn't planning on acting on it and wanted to remain completely faithful to his wife, although it would certainly unfair not to mention it if it was something he wanted to act on. 

Many, many bisexual men are in firmly committed, monogamous relationships, just as many bisexual women are. I imagine only a small percentage of them are 'open' about that side of themselves within the relationship though.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Could be. I knew a couple like this. It ended badly. They divorced on the grounds of his adultery with a man.
> 
> He then proceeded to cheat on boy friend after boy friend. As for his wife? Last thing I heard she was living with a woman who looked like a lorry driver.


So he was probably a serial cheater, regardless of his partners sex then!

And clearly the idea spurred his wife on to consider her own bisexuality (which presumably she hadn't done before!)


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## kim1 (Apr 15, 2013)

I really appreciate all the friendly advice. I finally gave in and told my mother today. She told my brother and now he's looking to go kick his ass. I did talk to my husband on today and he's claiming that it was all a big joke. He said that they play around like this all the time and it was nothing.

Of course I'm not buying that and as much as I love him, it looks like divorce is the only option. This so called friend of his is engaged and I'm thinking about contacting his fiancé to tell her what I found. At least, she can make her decision before her world is torn apart like mine.

I didn't think to save the pictures. I was in shock and crying at the time that I didn't think to try to copy them. I'm going to get tested for stds but honestly, I'm scared. We had sex 2-3 times per week and there's no telling what he exposed me too.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

A joke?? Is that the best he could come up with? They play around like this all the time but has never told his wife about their little game. Wow! I'm glad you found out now instead 5-10 years down the road.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Ok....after that last post by the OP I gotta say. NHNW....im calling bs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

kim1 said:


> he's claiming that it was all a big joke. He said that they play around like this all the time and it was nothing.


Sure, that's why he concealed it from you and took the phone away.

I need to start joking around with my wife's little sister. :lol:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

kim1 said:


> I did talk to my husband on today and he's claiming that it was all a big joke. He said that they play around like this all the time and it was nothing.


This is a typical cheater tactic upon D-Day: Gas Lighting

Glad you didn't buy it one bit.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kim1 said:


> I really appreciate all the friendly advice. I finally gave in and told my mother today. She told my brother and now he's looking to go kick his ass.


How old is your brother? I hope that you and your mother can get your brother to back down from this threat. As you know, beating up your husband would be a hate crime and thus he’d get a much worse conviction.


kim1 said:


> I did talk to my husband on today and he's claiming that it was all a big joke. He said that they play around like this all the time and it was nothing.


Oh yea, it as just a joke? He expects you to believe that? Just a couple of guy panning for the camera I suppose. Good grief.


kim1 said:


> Of course I'm not buying that and as much as I love him, it looks like divorce is the only option. This so called friend of his is engaged and I'm thinking about contacting his fiancé to tell her what I found. At least, she can make her decision before her world is torn apart like mine.


You really do need to contact his fiancé. I doubt she knows about this and deserves to know the truth so that she can make a choice on if this is what she wants in her life.


kim1 said:


> I didn't think to save the pictures. I was in shock and crying at the time that I didn't think to try to copy them. I'm going to get tested for stds but honestly, I'm scared. We had sex 2-3 times per week and there's no telling what he exposed me too.


You are most likely ok. With things like STD’s, it’s better to know than to not know. There are treatments for most of them. 

Are you going to tell his parents?

Get ready because he is very likely to spin this since you have no hard evidence.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Kim,

I'm sorry. Your husband is not who you thought. Get a divorce. There is no coming back from this. He cheated with a man... That is not something that will get better...


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

mrtickle said:


> There is always a flutter of ignorant views expressed whenever a 'gay' story is posted on here.
> 
> Sure, the husband is bisexual. Bisexual men in marriages are no more or less likely to stray from marriage than hetrosexual men. It's an orientation, not some sort of uncontrollable compulsion which must be met, just as I don't screw any woman that I'm attracted to when I'm in a marriage.
> 
> ...


LordMayhem is not ignorant. His views are not ignorant. 

Get that through your head.

And stop determining which views are "ignorant" based on your own personal gauge. Or society's, for that matter.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

kim1 said:


> I really appreciate all the friendly advice. I finally gave in and told my mother today. She told my brother and now he's looking to go kick his ass. I did talk to my husband on today and he's claiming that it was all a big joke. He said that they play around like this all the time and it was nothing.
> 
> Of course I'm not buying that and as much as I love him, it looks like divorce is the only option. This so called friend of his is engaged and I'm thinking about contacting his fiancé to tell her what I found. At least, she can make her decision before her world is torn apart like mine.
> 
> I didn't think to save the pictures. I was in shock and crying at the time that I didn't think to try to copy them. I'm going to get tested for stds but honestly, I'm scared. We had sex 2-3 times per week and there's no telling what he exposed me too.


Kim, I'm sorry but there's no way the "joke" story could be true.

I live with my best friend and his wife, and he and I are the absolute best of friends. I would ride into hell to save him. 

But there's no way I would be doing those kinds of things with him- it is the act itself that you have discovered. Intend is irrelevant. 

You're on the right track, and holding up remarkably well. I admire you. This is horrible, and you deserve better.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

Vanguard said:


> LordMayhem is not ignorant. His views are not ignorant.
> 
> Get that through your head.
> 
> And stop determining which views are "ignorant" based on your own personal gauge. Or society's, for that matter.


Well I wasn't specifically referring to LordMayhems post, just a general observation about TAM whenever this subject comes up.

If you choose to view knee-jerk generalisations and borderline-homophobia as acceptable then fine, but I think the OP also needs to focus on the infidelity itself initially rather than the orientation, especially as we simply do not know that much about the exact situation and background. 

I think its the one subject on TAM (where any infidelity has any bisexual element) where I think a lot of BAD advice is given, based on peoples individual prejudices. TAM is awesome where it comes to advice on breaking up affairs, confrontation, coping strategies etc, and it makes me cringe to see some of the comments in threads like this as it devalues a lot of the good things that are said elsewhere. All in my opinion of course.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

mrtickle said:


> Well I wasn't specifically referring to LordMayhems post, just a general observation about TAM whenever this subject comes up.
> 
> If you choose to view knee-jerk generalisations and borderline-homophobia as acceptable then fine, but I think the OP also needs to focus on the infidelity itself initially rather than the orientation, especially as we simply do not know that much about the exact situation and background.
> 
> I think its the one subject on TAM (where any infidelity has any bisexual element) where I think a lot of BAD advice is given, based on peoples individual prejudices. TAM is awesome where it comes to advice on breaking up affairs, confrontation, coping strategies etc, and it makes me cringe to see some of the comments in threads like this as it devalues a lot of the good things that are said elsewhere. All in my opinion of course.


I see what you're saying but in the end how relevant is it? On the Kinsey scale the op's husband is clearly not Liberace level gay, but the withholding of his bisexual orientation coupled with his infidelity is pretty damning.

I'm not a fan of the religious substrate here either but on a strictly secular level we can come to the same place.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Tell the fiance'


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## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

Rand OmGuy said:


> Kim,
> I think you need to dissect this a little as well. You have been hit by a double whammy.
> 
> First: If the scenario was different and you found pictures and videos on his phone of him involved in a sexual act of any kind with another WOMAN, would you be able to forgive him and work towards reconciliation.
> ...


I still think this is the best way to approach this situation


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## littlesweetling (Feb 16, 2013)

Mrtickle - I wish there was a way to compartmentalize things into "cheating" and "same sex desires" but for me there is no way to separate them. When you spouse betrays you with another, you feel the loss of a special bond you had with that spouse. You work to mend that bond and build that love together. You examine what the other person gave your spouse that you didn't. All of these things are made more complex when you discover your spouse is bi or gay. For example...everything you believed now comes into question in your mind...the base elementt of truth you believed was that your spouse was attracted to you as a female (or male if your the husband)... now you have to start there with your doubts/questioning... you realize you can't believe anything you ever thought you knew. 

I know it is very difficult to help people like kim1 and I but please remember this is about her asking for help not about supporting LBGT rights. She has additional complexities to her issue, but she needs our focus. Believe me it is a lonely place to be. How do you tell you friend or coworkers .... by the way caught my husband on the down low with a man.
.you don't!! This is not the same as your spouse cheating with someone of the opposite sex. 

Best of wishes to you kim1, my prayers are with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

littlesweetling said:


> Mrtickle - I wish there was a way to compartmentalize things into "cheating" and "same sex desires" but for me there is no way to separate them. When you spouse betrays you with another, you feel the loss of a special bond you had with that spouse. You work to mend that bond and build that love together. You examine what the other person gave your spouse that you didn't. All of these things are made more complex when you discover your spouse is bi or gay. For example...everything you believed now comes into question in your mind...the base elementt of truth you believed was that your spouse was attracted to you as a female (or male if your the husband)... now you have to start there with your doubts/questioning... you realize you can't believe anything you ever thought you knew.


Agree, but all of that is the same regardless of who the cheating happens with.



> I know it is very difficult to help people like kim1 and I but please remember this is about her asking for help not about supporting LBGT rights. She has additional complexities to her issue, but she needs our focus. Believe me it is a lonely place to be. How do you tell you friend or coworkers .... by the way caught my husband on the down low with a man.
> .you don't!! This is not the same as your spouse cheating with someone of the opposite sex.


Believe me, I'm not supporting LGBT rights in all this. Just urging against snap-judgements and the filling-in-the-gaps that goes on by people who have seemingly limited or no experience with these particular situations. 

I'm not saying it isn't complex, and a resolution to the situation is not going to be easy, however in some ways if the WS is still attracted to the BS and proves to be 100% committed to rebuliding the trust and relationship, then the dynamics of this situation may be easier to recover from than say a medium-term emotional and physical affair with another member of the opposite sex would be. But a lot of that depends on the exact situation, which none of us (including the BS right now) know. 

I just think the advice to immediately file for divorce, get the hell out of dodge and never look back seems to differ from the general advice to confront, be prepared to D but also consider reconciliation based on set conditions that is dished out when the AP is of the opposite sex. I'm just saying I don't think there is too much fundamental difference in this case.

There is perhaps one thing I would resist doing just yet in this case, and that is around exposure. It is highly unlikely that the infidelity is emotionally-based and therefore there is perhaps no 'fog' to speak of, and routinely suggested exposure to friends, family and work is perhaps not to be advised here, as such a move could be absolutely catastrophic to any hopes (if the OP has them) of reconciliation. The stigma attached may also serve to turn the BS's life into a nightmare and possibly drive him away from his family (based on their views and prejudices). It would be seen as an extremely confrontational and aggresive move here which would almost certainly end the marriage in a heartbeat. I do however concur that it needs to be exposed to the OM's girlfriend for the reasons mentioned on here - it is only fair that she knows. 



> Best of wishes to you kim1, my prayers are with you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree. Hope Kim1 and her husband sort this horrible situation out as soon as they can.


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## littlesweetling (Feb 16, 2013)

mrtickle - you actually believe that..."in some ways if the WS is still attracted to the BS and proves to be 100% committed to rebuliding the trust and relationship, then the dynamics of this situation may be easier to recover from than say a medium-term emotional and physical affair with another member of the opposite sex would be."....I don't even know how to respond to a statement like that. I guess I am to close to this situation to be responding so I will just bow out...but you are sadly way off on this one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Kim1, so sorry for what you are going through. So very sorry. 

I think you must keep in mind as you make your way forward .....there is so much that you don't know, you have been deceived on so many levels. The ONE thing that you must memorize.... your husband is a master liar. His life is a lie. He is a schemer on a higher level than most of us will ever encounter. Do not believe anything he says. It sounds like perhaps he has even deceived himself. Protect yourself and believe nothing from him.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

mrtickle said:


> There is always a flutter of ignorant views expressed whenever a 'gay' story is posted on here.
> 
> Sure, the husband is bisexual. Bisexual men in marriages are no more or less likely to stray from marriage than hetrosexual men. It's an orientation, not some sort of uncontrollable compulsion which must be met, just as I don't screw any woman that I'm attracted to when I'm in a marriage.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry I don't agree with that whole thing it does matter because it is another set of lies that she didn't know about. If he is gay and he knew that and married her anyway that is a selfish act on himself and there is no way he didn't know this at all before he married his wife. As a woman you think ok if it;s another woman maybe just maybe you can compete with it so to speak but another man and she didn't know about it? that is deceit on a whole other level sexual orientation DOES matter especially when two people get married to one another and there is a mutual understanding of his/her sexual orientation. She from the sound of it was never given the chance.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Kim: I am so very sorry to hear of your plight! It is totally beyond deplorable and you are so undeserving of it. Don't confront just yet, but start making firm plans to get the hell out of Dodge! Your H is closet "Bi," with a heavy propensity of being totally gay. He doesn't need you ~ and you damn sure don't need him!

Meantime, try to do these things while prepping for the inevitable:


As painful as it may seem to do, try to get his phone only for a few minutes while he's sleeping and have those pictures transferred to a computer file. You may well need them in court.
Start interviewing for legal counsel to represent you so you can have your rights and your property protected.
Get to an MD post haste to insure that you haven't contracted some kind of an STD.
Get yourself immediately into IC(individual counseling) to help get you through the sordid trauma of all of this.
Notify only your own family right now; his can wait until later!
Leave the domicile, or have him leave, once confrontation has been made. I'd still recommend moving yourself, so as not to be saddled with the memories of him there with you!
And if you go to church, get with a pastor so you can let him try to bolster your spirituality, more especially in trying times like these.

And greatly give thanks to God that you don't have kids right now. There will come a point in time that He will provide you with someone who loves you, and only you, beyond measure; and together with you will provide for that family that you have so ardently dreamed of. And thank Him for having the good fortune of finding a place like TAM in which to lay your troubles down to your brothers and sisters here, who largely are going through marital troubles of their own.

And keep your head up, my dear! You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of!


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

mrtickle said:


> Well I wasn't specifically referring to LordMayhems post, just a general observation about TAM whenever this subject comes up.
> 
> If you choose to view knee-jerk generalisations and borderline-homophobia as acceptable then fine, but I think the OP also needs to focus on the infidelity itself initially rather than the orientation, especially as we simply do not know that much about the exact situation and background.
> 
> I think its the one subject on TAM (where any infidelity has any bisexual element) where I think a lot of BAD advice is given, based on peoples individual prejudices. TAM is awesome where it comes to advice on breaking up affairs, confrontation, coping strategies etc, and it makes me cringe to see some of the comments in threads like this as it devalues a lot of the good things that are said elsewhere. All in my opinion of course.


So what you are saying is that because this affair involved two men it isn't any different than a man and a woman. Sir may I ask if you found pictures of your wife. Extensive pictures of your wife with another woman. You then determined that you now have to try and understand if your wife is even interested in men or if she is just putting on a charade. I am not ignorant nor am I foolish enough to believe the bogus science that people are by nature stuck in the middle. Giving a bj to a neighbor and taking massive amount of pictures as a keepsake should tell you something. 

I don't take pictures of my wife naked for the kids. I keep them for private use when we are lonely. And we are who we are most when we are alone. So when this guy is alone do you think he is sitting there thinking about his wife. Or is he secretly pulling up the pictures to arouse himself? 
The evidence and logic that point to the fact that this man is likely an in the closet homosexual is staggering. I am not homophobic nor do I hate gay people. But I won't look a chicken in the face and call it a rooster.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

My thoughts are that the wife might not see him as the man of the house or the protector because of the submissive graphic. That is the added element that I think would be a challenge if she choose to reconcile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

The whole 'sperm on the face' thing speaks to a fetish on the part of the husband. How exactly does Kim satisfy that kink?

As far As exposure, it is solely up to her. If we treat THIS. Cheating no differently than heterosexual cheating, he gets no protection on the other front. Equality is equality. Do you think a woman is less humiliated when her cheating is exposed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

The thing is.... their whole history is a lie. This man has been living a double life...deceiving his wife for a long time. He is a messed up liar. There is no way I could trust him again.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

I am not going to post on this thread any more.

I am clearly in the minority of one, and I still think there is some terrible advice and lots of comments jumping to all sorts of conclusions. I'm not sure whether this is a cultural thing here, perhaps it is. Either way, I want no further part of it as everyone seems to have made their mind up about this particular topic.

Hopefully the OP will pick and choose the advice she receives, and do the right thing, whatever that may be


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

littlesweetling said:


> mrtickle - you actually believe that..."in some ways if the WS is still attracted to the BS and proves to be 100% committed to rebuliding the trust and relationship, then the dynamics of this situation may be easier to recover from than say a medium-term emotional and physical affair with another member of the opposite sex would be."....I don't even know how to respond to a statement like that. I guess I am to close to this situation to be responding so I will just bow out...but you are sadly way off on this one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you've been through this kind of thing personally, I'd say you are far more qualified to talk about it than MrTickle or anyone else. Don't bow out just because some posters insist on being right.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

mrtickle said:


> I am not going to post on this thread any more.
> 
> I am clearly in the minority of one, and I still think there is some terrible advice and lots of comments jumping to all sorts of conclusions. I'm not sure whether this is a cultural thing here, perhaps it is. Either way, I want no further part of it as everyone seems to have made their mind up about this particular topic.
> 
> Hopefully the OP will pick and choose the advice she receives, and do the right thing, whatever that may be


I do not mean to ostracize you at all. Maybe I missed some of the comments to which you were referring but I honestly don't recall seeing any ignorant or "homophobic" posts. 

And you'll have to forgive me if I seemed to come on strong. There is no one on this forum who gives better advice than Lord Mayhem, and I feel very strongly about him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I do not regard myself as homophobic, nor ever have, but how they choose to carry on their lifestyle, as opposed to how I choose mine, is not exactly my cup of tea. That is strictly their preference ~ and their business!

And it really doesn't take a heterosexual or a homosexual to greatly monopolize the acts of deception or infidelity; that trait is a universal one, I'm afraid!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> I do not regard myself as homophobic, nor ever have, but how they choose to carry on their lifestyle, as opposed to how I choose mine, is not exactly my cup of tea. That is strictly their preference ~ and their business!
> 
> And it really doesn't take a heterosexual or a homosexual to greatly monopolize the acts of deception or infidelity; that trait is a universal one, I'm afraid!


Do they really choose to carry on their lifestyle?

Oh, yes! In exactly the same way I choose to ogle women with thick thighs who wear mini skirts? That kind of choice?


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> I'm not a fan of the religious substrate here either but on a strictly secular level we can come to the same place.


why is homophobia seen as a religious 'thing' - the most homophobic guy I know is 100% secular, and then some, and this is not unusual.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Yessongs72 said:


> why is homophobia seen as a religious 'thing' - the most homophobic guy I know is 100% secular, and then some, and this is not unusual.


I'm talking about the posts I see here, not specific to this thread. In fact I find the term homophobic to be intellectually disengenuous. Who is scared of gay people?


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> I'm talking about the posts I see here, not specific to this thread. In fact I find the term homophobic to be intellectually disengenuous. Who is scared of gay people?


with you on the grammar - its just that 'homophobia' is the term generally used these days to describe (in the UK) anyone who has any sort of disagreement with any aspect of homosexuality.


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## kim1 (Apr 15, 2013)

Well everything is pointing towards divorce at this point. I talked to him again today and he kept trying to downplay the photos like they were nothing. He even tried to get his friend to talk to me to say that they were a joke and that they were photoshopped. I do know my husband can be a jokester sometimes but he is pretty homophobic in the past. I just can't lie to myself because I know what I saw.

Also, another indication of something strange going on is the fact that he deleted the pictures. He claims that he did it out of anger. Either way, I have to start accepting that this whole relationship has been a sham. I have nothing against gays but on the other hand, I would have been willing to give him another chance if he cheated with a woman. I guess I know what I need to do but I just have to keep thinking about everything before I make a decision. Outside of this incident, we have been in a very happy and loving marriage.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Kim, i was wondering what happened to you since we did not hear from you. Thank you for the update. Be strong. Your H is manipulative with his lover , that other guy. Be careful they play a game. Do not be so naive, how can he keep pictures of them if it was a game?. Please get out this relationship. He thinks he is smart, you have to stand up tall and show him that you are not stupid. Do not let him insult your intelligence and continue to hurt you. He only want to keep you to avoid scandal. You deserve better than him.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

kim1 said:


> Well everything is pointing towards divorce at this point. I talked to him again today and he kept trying to downplay the photos like they were nothing. He even tried to get his friend to talk to me to say that they were a joke and that they were photoshopped. I do know my husband can be a jokester sometimes but he is pretty homophobic in the past. I just can't lie to myself because I know what I saw.
> 
> Also, another indication of something strange going on is the fact that he deleted the pictures. He claims that he did it out of anger. Either way, I have to start accepting that this whole relationship has been a sham. I have nothing against gays but on the other hand, I would have been willing to give him another chance if he cheated with a woman. I guess I know what I need to do but I just have to keep thinking about everything before I make a decision. Outside of this incident, we have been in a very happy and loving marriage.


Kim1: Man, woman, whoever he cheated with, does it really matter? And his excuses? Good god, who does he think he's fooling? 

His actions point to damage control 100%. He's trying to minimize and erase. It's a quite common but disturbing piece of human behavior: eliminate the evidence and you can not only act as if it doesn't exist but you can believe your own lies. Freud called it "kettle logic": the kettle I borrowed is returned to you damaged? Well, it wasn't me that damaged it because it was already damaged, and it's not damaged in the first place, and besides that, I didn't even borrow it from you.

His refusal to even acknowledge what's been going on is proof enough that there's little to nothing you can do about him. He's gone off the sexual deep end and has been looking for adventures, the nastier the better.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Kim,

Your husband is gay, angry and confused. He may be a homophobe in that he may be afraid that he actually is gay, well because he is. There is no joking about a picture with semen on his face.

It may be something he has struggled with all his life. he probably does not want to be gay, but he is. It sounds like he hates himself a bit for what he is and tried to be happy being straight, but he just couldn't do it.

You may be very angry at him for the lies and betrayal, but honestly he probably hates himself now more than anything. I don't see him ever being faithful to you because of his urges for other men being so strong.

I am sorry for you and I am sorry for him. I would still D him. He needs counseling. He has been lying to you and cheating on you for a long time. You need to do the 180 on him. He needs to own his behavior and figure out what path he will walk the rest of his life.


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## littlesweetling (Feb 16, 2013)

Thanks InlandTXMM, this is a hard pill to swallow as a spouse. Fortunately Kim1 is young and there are ni children involved. I am glad to see she came back and posted again. 

Kim1 - glad to hear you mum and brother are supporting you. I agree with the posters that getting some individual counseling might be helpful...talking helps you sort through your thoughts. This can really mess with your head and make it hard to think straight. Also, your spouse is down playing this...my guess is he doesn't want to be outed. If he is like my husband, he really doesn't want to come out, he will never admit it even if you catch him in the act. There are always excuses. My guess is he hates himself and what he has done more than you can imagine. Remember this is a decision he made in marrying you and then experimenting with men on the side, he needs to own up to his actions and take responsibilty. Stay strong and take care of yourself. I would talk to a lawyer and understand your legal rights as soon as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Do they really choose to carry on their lifestyle?
> 
> Oh, yes! In exactly the same way I choose to ogle women with thick thighs who wear mini skirts? That kind of choice?


Matt! That's my shortsighted wording and I do apologize. The wording should have been *"how they conduct their lifestyle, either through genetics or by choice."*

Thanks for calling me out on it. No offense, but you remind me of one my very dear law profs from yesteryear who was quick to catch such things, and help us to use it as a learning tool. And that's a very good thing!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

No more options than to file for divorce.
Don't even try to second guess the obvious. His lies are completely ridiculous. Pity him.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

This is a very heart breaking situation. I hope you have friends and family members who can provide support. You are one fighting 2 people , your H and his lover. They are a team and they will do what is possible to dismiss your discovery. They are working together to find what lies to tell you , bse they know once it is out, everybody will not their sexual activities together and orientation. You never know what they are planning together when they are together. Please be careful!! .if it was a joke, why did he delete the pics? Why should you believe them when your H ‘s lover tried to sleep with you!? This is a situation where a partner /spouse tries to brainwash another. He wants to make you believe you are wrong. And if you stay will him, he will never change , He will continue to manipulate you. Even if you had a good life together, he is a liar, there is more you do not know. Try to look back maybe you will find some hints that can remind you some situations that will help you how he lied to you even in the past. Even if you decide to stay with him, Chances are that you will leave him in a couple years. He is not the right person for you, and I don’t think couple counseling will change him, as long he does not accept what he did. Be strong.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I remember years and years ago I had a roomate (a guy) who was this big macho firefighter. He used to carry on about "filthy gays". He had a girlfriend then too.

Anyway years later I run into his old girlfriend. I asked if they were still together, she said no.. she had caught him in bed with another MAN!!!

Anyway another thing to consider, not that its your job to fix him, is sexual addiction. Its real, the addiction drives loving, straight men to do things just like this. Sex with other men - even when they are straight. Sex with women, animals, god forbid, children. Extremely high rish sex, risky in where they have it and unprotected sex with lord only knows who. Its a serious sickness. 

Read "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes, PhD. Interesting read. My STBXH has just been diagnosed with this condition. Now it has been explained to me, along with his recent BiPolar disorder, it all makes perfect sense.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

If the pics had been photoshopped then the original pics and pieces imported would have been shown to you. You would not delete them because you would want to prove how they were constructed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kim, do you have access to any computers your husband uses. I doubt that the photos have been completely deleted. They are most likely moved to somewhere else. 

Look for removable storage devices. Also search the computer drives for file extentions.. such as *.jpg, *.gmp, *.png. Sometimes people hide files in places that they think no one will ever look. So if you search entire drives.. like the C or D drive you might turn something up. Also search for terms like @gmail.com and his friend's name.

Of course I can understand if you do not want to ever see those pictures again.

You say that if he was with another woman, you might give him another chance. I would bet that if you saw similar pictures of him having sex with a woman you could not get over that either. Somethings can never be erased from one's mind.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Do they really choose to carry on their lifestyle?
> 
> Oh, yes! In exactly the same way I choose to ogle women with thick thighs who wear mini skirts? That kind of choice?


In the purest sense, your attraction to them is hard-wired.

Your ogling is a choice.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> If the pics had been photoshopped then the original pics and pieces imported would have been shown to you. You would not delete them because you would want to prove how they were constructed.


Oh man I missed that somewhere. He's claiming the shots of him and the best friend were photoshopped?! :rofl:

Worst excuse. Ever.


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## littlesweetling (Feb 16, 2013)

Kim1 - interesting as it may sound men that are "in the closet" outwardly in public act very homophobic. It is part of the cover for their behavior and for some men it is part of their resistance to deal with own desires...if I act completely the opposite then my attraction feelings will go away. I discovered this to be true with my husband also. Once I started researching the topic of straight wives and gay /bi husbands I learned that is a common behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He didn't photoshopped the video, that's for sure.
It's as ridiculous as the classic "it's not what it seems" when they are caught clearly in the act.
He's terrified it's going to be exposed.


ETA It's not only becasue he's gay but becasue he's a sex freak. Who save pintures of themself with the face covered in cum?


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