# DH is becoming racist, sick of tirades



## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

Dh and I have been married 10 years. We have 3 kids. Dh has several advanced degrees. He's a Democrat. We are active in our mainline Protestant church. We live in a liberal, racially diverse suburb of NYC. 

With this background, I am shocked and kind of appalled that Dh is expressing more and more racist views, often in front of the kids. He uses racist slurs, sometimes within earshot of others on the playground or at the kids' school. Sometimes he seems to be joking, but I can't figure out what's going on. I've tried to bring it up gently, that I don't like these ideas or language. He won't have a reasonable conversation about it, and he doesn't want to change his mind, and he's indignant when I bring it up. But, frankly, it's deeply embarrassing to me, and I'm terrified the kids will repeat this stuff at school, or my friends will find out his views. I don't want to jeopardize my (otherwise good) relationship, but I'm sick of hearing this garbage. What do I do??


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

PenguinCat said:


> He won't have a reasonable conversation about it, and he doesn't want to change his mind, and he's indignant when I bring it up. But, frankly, it's deeply embarrassing to me, and I'm terrified the kids will repeat this stuff at school, or my friends will find out his views.


It sounds like he is ignoring your feelings on the subject. Does he respond positively when you voice your concerns and feelings about other topics? 

Maybe he is racist. I wouldn't try to preach to him, because you can't change an adult, and it sounds like he knows his beliefs are wrong based on your social environment. But you can set boundaries for how he behaves around you and your children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why would anyone be surprised at a democrat being racist? It's not unusual at all. 

_ETA: Because of that statement above.. posters have started to trash me as a racist on this thread. So let me help those who have low reading comprehension. Another way to state it is that being a democrat does not preclude a person from being a racist. It's a provable fact._

If this is a change in they way your husband as behaved and thought in the past, they you need to look beyond his racism words/actions. When a person makes a significant change in their views on something as significant as racism it's generally a sign of some kind of either emotional trauma that occurred or some kind of mental illness setting in. I've even heard of brain tumors causing these kinds of changes.

Or your husband has been a racist all along and only now dares to let it all hang out.

Racism is generally a form of extreme paranoia... fear of an entire group of large people.

What else has changed in your husband during this time?


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## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

I agree, I think it's an issue of boundaries. Dh is generally very good to me and to the kids, he's very devoted to us. But I feel like I'm in a weak position to disagree with him. I don't work, I stay at home with the kids, there's no way I could survive on my own at the moment. So yes, I have a hard time putting my foot down if I don't like something, because I have no leverage. I'm not an equal in some ways. And I'm usually ok with that, but I don't have unlimited patience. My solution to the racist talk so far has just been to talk to the kids when he's not around, and tell them my views, and tell them they will get called to the principal's office if they repeat what Dh says.


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## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

Maybe he's always felt this way but is more vocal about now. I don't think there's been a sudden change...I think he's getting increasingly frustrated by life in the Northeast--absurdly high property taxes, high cost of living, crumbling infrastructure, feelings of treading water financially. And I think he's starting to scapegoat as a way of dealing with his feelings.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

That would make sense if your husband is feeling backed into a corner. A person can start to feel like the whole world is against them. 

Have you considered getting a job to help out financially to take some of the strain off him?


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## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

Honestly if I were working it would be a net financial loss, given the high cost of childcare and commuting. I'm planning to get a masters degree and go back to work when my kids are older. We're actually doing fine financially, but it's easy to look around and see people, neighbors, working on Wall Street etc who are very wealthy. And it can be frustrating. I guess it's an explanation for where some of this is coming from, but it's sad.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Does you husband work for the city? I ask because I had a friend since we were 5 years old I never heard say / joke a racist remark but once he took a certain city job he started to sound like Daniel Carver of the KKK.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

PenguinCat said:


> I agree, I think it's an issue of boundaries. Dh is generally very good to me and to the kids, he's very devoted to us. But I feel like I'm in a weak position to disagree with him. I don't work, I stay at home with the kids, there's no way I could survive on my own at the moment. So yes, I have a hard time putting my foot down if I don't like something, because I have no leverage. I'm not an equal in some ways. And I'm usually ok with that, but I don't have unlimited patience. My solution to the racist talk so far has just been to talk to the kids when he's not around, and tell them my views, and tell them they will get called to the principal's office if they repeat what Dh says.



I can't stand a racist, but honestly this post I find more alarming.

I don't think people in healthy marriages speak in terms of "leverage" and being afraid to speak up because of financial repercussions. 

If the man is suddenly displaying racist tendencies that you find abhorrent, and is indoctrinating your vulnerable children with this tripe, you shouldn't hesitate to speak up. And if you feel there is a legitimate reason that you can't due to potential financial retaliation, you've got far bigger issues on your hands than an ignorant, racist fool of a husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jaquen said:


> I can't stand a racist, but honestly this post I find more alarming.
> 
> I don't think people in healthy marriages speak in terms of "leverage" and being afraid to speak up because of financial repercussions.
> 
> If the man is suddenly displaying racist tendencies that you find abhorrent, and is indoctrinating your vulnerable children with this tripe, you shouldn't hesitate to speak up. And if you feel there is a legitimate reason that you can't due to potential financial retaliation, you've got far bigger issues on your hands than an ignorant, racist fool of a husband.


:iagree:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

jaquen said:


> I can't stand a racist, but honestly this post I find more alarming.
> 
> I don't think people in healthy marriages speak in terms of "leverage" and being afraid to speak up because of financial repercussions.
> 
> If the man is suddenly displaying racist tendencies that you find abhorrent, and is indoctrinating your vulnerable children with this tripe, you shouldn't hesitate to speak up. And if you feel there is a legitimate reason that you can't due to potential financial retaliation, you've got far bigger issues on your hands than an ignorant, racist fool of a husband.


I agree with you. In addition to being a racist, it also sounds like he could be misogynist as well. If the balance of power for a stay at home mom with kids is negative as compare to the man of the house, and she can't speak up for her views without fear of retribution, chances are that Mr. Racist is also Mr. Misogynist. Trying being mixed race, successful, a single parent not on welfare and also a woman. There are racists and misogynists everywhere. In order for them to minimize their perceived failures in life, they need to have someone to blame it on. So they pick on people they perceive as weak, or who have less power, usually economically but not always. They will find whatever weak spot it is and attack it. 

So if wife feels like she can't speak up for herself, what about the kids. Are they secretly feeling guilty for enjoying a certain teacher who is of the race their dad is dissing (who knows what race dad is and what race he's dissing, could be any way and Sunday too...) Are they censoring their friends, not bringing home legit invitations or inviting friends home...will they be reluctant to talk to a social worker of the race their dad is abusing in their presence? 

This is a huge issue, not just one of an adult choosing to be tolerant of her husband. Regardless of what can be said to the kids to show them that it is wrong, the kids are probably going to censor their lives.

My own best friend in high school couldn't date a guy because of his color. Sure she could have, but her father threatened to cut her out of the family. So Daddy was a racist, and well, she married some guy of the same color as her and he cheated on her. But hey, her dad approved of him. Now this, her dad was in charge of a military unit. He was also misogyist, refused to sign any applications or for loans for my friend to go to college. Said he wasn't going to waste money on a girl because she would quit work and have babies which is what she should do. Well, my friend had a form of epilepsy and with her meds she couldn't be pregnant. Couldn't even adopt. Shows what Dad knew, she had to work to keep having health benefits. But hey, it's just words right? No harm done!! Daddy must be kept from having a fit. Don't rock the boat.

I had to say goodbye to my best friend, awesome lover and fiance when I was younger. I took him traveling out of our small town. I discovered he was a racist. Nothing could be done to change his opinion, what's worse, I discovered that he liked females who were not of his race. Well, then I realized that I am not of his race...but can pass for his race. Not cool. I think he was into me because of my looks, they catered to both his racism and his sexual appetite, depending what he needed. So much for just being loved for being myself. I guess you can have your cake and eat it too, so long as somebody is willing to serve it to you on a silver platter. That person would not be me. 

As a mixed race person, I hear everything. People say stuff not knowing. It's funny, a white person who is racist will see me as white. They say all kinds of rude things in my presence, and I say nothing. I prefer to think that they are ignorant, I live in NH, people have limited experience. If they find out I'm mixed race I still say nothing. But people of my races always recognize my race. Racist remarks are never just racist remarks.


The only good thing I can say about this is that maybe it is a brain tumor or something like that, and he is not racist. But the fear of saying something because of disempowerment and disadvantage in one's own home....probably not a brain tumor. Just mean.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

PenguinCat said:


> *But I feel like I'm in a weak position to disagree with him. I don't work, I stay at home with the kids, there's no way I could survive on my own at the moment.*


Sigh...another one...

You have put yourself in such a position of dependence that you can't even speak up....even when someone is poisoning your kids??? 

Seriously, get a job. You have a duty to your children and yourself to do better.



> With this background, I am shocked and kind of appalled that Dh is expressing more and more racist views, often in front of the kids. He uses racist slurs, sometimes within earshot of others on the playground or at the kids' school. Sometimes he seems to be joking, but I can't figure out what's going on.


There are a lot of things that can spur this...including, believe it or not, mental disorder.

You need to "woman-up" and talk to him and figure out what's going on. And then you maybe need to suggest that he speaks to someone else. You also need to set boundaries...regardless of the fact that you're not self-sufficient.

Is he angry? Is he frustrated? Is he having a mental issue?

I'm interracial and bigotry is often caused by a combination of fear, life frustration and ignorance. You have to root cause what's going on with him if this behavior is getting more pronounced with time.

As for your children, make sure you keep their friends and acquaintance base diverse. The best way to attack bigotry is to assure you have contact with a large range of ethnic backgrounds. Its hard to stereotype and judge people when you know and love them. Its your job as a mom to expose your children to the world. And regardless of the position of weakness you've put yourself in your marriage, its also your job to be able to stand up to your husband when he's doing something which exposes your children something detrimental to their emotional and potentially physical health.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Why would anyone be surprised at a democrat being racist? It's not unusual at all.


 Really? Nothing like a good case of foot in mouth disease. I didn't realize that being a Democrat qualifies one as a racist. 

I would venture a guess that you find quite a bit of racists in all walks of life and in other political parties as well.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

6301 said:


> Really? Nothing like a good case of foot in mouth disease. I didn't realize that being a Democrat qualifies one as a racist.
> 
> I would venture a guess that you find quite a bit of racists in all walks of life and in other political parties as well.


I guess the poster was assuming these are white democrats. But nobody said anything about their racial identity. For all we know this guy could be Cuban Jew dissing on whites. There are plenty of people of different races who have racist prejudices against other races. It's not always a white thing, that's a racist prejudice type of thinking in itself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

6301 said:


> Really? Nothing like a good case of foot in mouth disease. I didn't realize that being a Democrat qualifies one as a racist.
> 
> I would venture a guess that you find quite a bit of racists in all walks of life and in other political parties as well.


The OP makes it sound as though it's unheard of for Democrats to be racist. My point is the same as yours... there are racists in ever walks of life, political parties, etc.

Nowhere did I say that being a Democrat qualifies one as a racist. I said that it does not exclude one from being a racist.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I guess the poster was assuming these are white democrats. But nobody said anything about their racial identity. For all we know this guy could be Cuban Jew dissing on whites. There are plenty of people of different races who have racist prejudices against other races. It's not always a white thing, that's a racist prejudice type of thinking in itself.


I made no such assumptions. I was simply addressing the rather simplistic and untrue assumption by the OP that being a democrat would somehow mean that your husband would not/should not be a racists.

It seems that people are not making assumptions to the point of calling me a racist.. nice going.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I never called you a racist Ele. I just thought you weren't clear enough. If you took offense then please accept my apology.

Although I can't understand why she even brought up the political party thing. I got a feeling that this guy has hidden his racist side and now it's coming out.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I apologize as I can usually write with more clarity. I also agree that anyone can be a racist. In fact, my kids and I are guilty as we call any boxed food that has chemicals and strange unreal food colorings, White People Food. Like the infamous White people cake my daughter brought home from a school function that had a cake walk, that we did our best to eat, but it ended up in our trash bin...we still make fun of it...it looked good, and we tried to eat it, but failed. We know it is wrong to label it this way, but since we only ever see white people eating it and enjoying it, that's what we call it. :-( I guess we could call it something else, if anyone wants to make a suggestion. But we see it as a good classification, as people go out for Mexican, Chinese, Ethiopian, Cuban...why not classify the White people food as White people food?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I apologize as I can usually write with more clarity. I also agree that anyone can be a racist. In fact, my kids and I are guilty as we call any boxed food that has chemicals and strange unreal food colorings, White People Food. Like the infamous White people cake my daughter brought home from a school function that had a cake walk, that we did our best to eat, but it ended up in our trash bin...we still make fun of it...it looked good, and we tried to eat it, but failed. We know it is wrong to label it this way, but since we only ever see white people eating it and enjoying it, that's what we call it. :-( I guess we could call it something else, if anyone wants to make a suggestion. But we see it as a good classification, as people go out for Mexican, Chinese, Ethiopian, Cuban...why not classify the White people food as White people food?


 No problem with me but just for the fun of it, what would be considered "white people" food?


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## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

Yes, I realize Democrats can be racist. I included that detail because in our local political landscape, Democrats generally align themselves with social policies that favor things like busing to achieve racial diversity in the schools, and housing policies that promote building low-income housing in more affluent communities, which often (though not necessarily) means minorities moving into homogenous communities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

6301 said:


> Really? Nothing like a good case of foot in mouth disease. I didn't realize that being a Democrat qualifies one as a racist.
> 
> I would venture a guess that you find quite a bit of racists in all walks of life and in other political parties as well.



Clearly Ele's point flew right over your head.

She obviously was saying that being a democrat doesn't make one immune to racism, which is actually a common thought amongst more liberal minded people.

Republicans aren't all racist and democrats aren't all accepting. That seemed to be her point.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

your being very vague in your description as to what he is actually saying. For you to consider racist.

is calling someone colored considered racist?

I use the particular phrase because someone used it in a conversation and after he left some thought it was and some didn't when I asked some close friends who are black (opps is that racist) some didn't care for colored but they didn't think Black was bad. so racist remarks can be tricky they seem to change depending on who and where you live.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I apologize as I can usually write with more clarity. I also agree that anyone can be a racist. In fact, my kids and I are guilty as we call any boxed food that has chemicals and strange unreal food colorings, White People Food. Like the infamous White people cake my daughter brought home from a school function that had a cake walk, that we did our best to eat, but it ended up in our trash bin...we still make fun of it...it looked good, and we tried to eat it, but failed. We know it is wrong to label it this way, but since we only ever see white people eating it and enjoying it, that's what we call it. :-( I guess we could call it something else, if anyone wants to make a suggestion. But we see it as a good classification, as people go out for Mexican, Chinese, Ethiopian, Cuban...why not classify the White people food as White people food?


Maybe the reason that calling it white people food makes no sense is because.. Well it's not white people food. 

Mexican, Chinese, Ethiopian, Cuban are not foods that refer to race. They are the types of foods that are indigenous to particular ethnic, or cultural, groups. 

The group that some people call "white people" is made up of people from across quite a few dozen (at least) ethnic groups. 

Food from Caucasian cultures is as diverse as say food from Korea, Japan and China. White people and their cuisine comes from Ireland, England, France, Germany, Italy, etc etc. It’s as diverse as food form China, Japan, Korea, Indonesia, Vietnam, etc.

For example the food eaten in Ethiopia is very different from food eaten in most other parts of Africa. 

"chemicals and strange unreal food colorings" are white people food? Really?

Maybe you could call it just junk food… you know and leave he racial insults out of it? What a concept?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> your being very vague in your description as to what he is actually saying. For you to consider racist.


:iagree:

PenguinCat, can you give us some examples of the racist things that your husband is saying? Knowing the degree of the problem would be helpful.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

People will be people, regardless of their political affiliation.

Penguin, I would agree with the others that this behavior needs to be confronted. Let him know how is speech is ugly and, frankly, is abusive in the way that he will be responsible for perpetuating such thinking in his children. If he is a churchgoer, ask him how he plans to explain that to God, risking the spiritual health of his own kids.

However you say it, NO equivocating!. Be clear and concise that this behavior is UNACCEPTABLE. If he scoffs you or blows it off, then you need to decide what the next course of action shall be, as YOU WILL NOT be in a position of powerlessness concerning this.

If he seems to respond appropriately to your concerns, start having talks with him about areas in your lives that need to change in order to lessen his stress and inappropriate scapegoating of other races/cultures. Get to the heart of the matte with him. If he isn't that sort of guy to talk about his feelings or wants to shrug it off...give him a chance to absorb what you said and see if he cools it off. If not, then insist upon counseling, bring in pastor...let him know that you will not stand idly by, even to the point of asking him to leave for a season.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

6301 said:


> No problem with me but just for the fun of it, what would be considered "white people" food?


Start with Betty Crocker, Nabisco, Campbells and Pepperidge Farm and add Mrs. Butterworth's (they cleaned up her racial identity I think). Then go from there? But there's foods that cross the line, like La Choy. Sounds Chinese, but is categorized by us as White People food. Which is also the category of most Chinese restaurants in my state/area, including the one I eat at with my work partner, who is from Beijing originally. We are under no pretense that we are eating actual Chinese food, even though it is cooked and served by Chinese and we speak Mandarin there often. Even the Chinese call it white people food and it's not really much like anything you'd find in China. What do you think they call stuff like Kentucky Fried and McDonald's and Pizza Hut in Asia? They call it something. It's not Mongolian or Chinese or Mexican. But if we call it white people food around white people who actually eat it, I guess maybe that is not really PC. We should really change it, maybe we will just call it notrealfoodunfitforhumanconsumptionnowonder26percentofamericanshavediabetes. What's really sad is people in other countries want to be like us, so they are eating our food, by our I don't mean the food my kids and I eat, but out country's typical diet. They think if it must be better, since Americans eat it. It's a status symbol.

Anyhow, racist is racist. We all have prejudices, but we can rise above them even while acknowledging them and trying to change our beliefs through deliberate selection of new experiences.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Start with Betty Crocker, Nabisco, Campbells and Pepperidge Farm and add Mrs. Butterworth's (they cleaned up her racial identity I think). Then go from there? But there's foods that cross the line, like La Choy. Sounds Chinese, but is categorized by us as White People food. Which is also the category of most Chinese restaurants in my state/area, including the one I eat at with my work partner, who is from Beijing originally. We are under no pretense that we are eating actual Chinese food, even though it is cooked and served by Chinese and we speak Mandarin there often. Even the Chinese call it white people food and it's not really much like anything you'd find in China. What do you think they call stuff like Kentucky Fried and McDonald's and Pizza Hut in Asia? They call it something. It's not Mongolian or Chinese or Mexican. But if we call it white people food around white people who actually eat it, I guess maybe that is not really PC. We should really change it, maybe we will just call it notrealfoodunfitforhumanconsumptionnowonder26percentofamericanshavediabetes.


There is already a name for it... junk food.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

jaquen said:


> Clearly Ele's point flew right over your head.
> 
> She obviously was saying that being a democrat doesn't make one immune to racism, which is actually a common thought amongst more liberal minded people.
> 
> Republicans aren't all racist and democrats aren't all accepting. That seemed to be her point.


 As I said before, I didn't think it was clear enough and I did tell Ele that I was sorry.


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