# Husband cheated and it has been devestating



## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

Hello, 
I found out my husband of 27 yrs cheated over the last few months. Before I go any further, I too have cheated in the past and it was very hurtful to him as well. I’m not innocent by any means and I regret the terrible choices I made. Now, back to him cheating. He literally has no emotion. He wants me to act like it didn’t happen. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He gets angry when I cry and he keeps saying things insinuating that the reason he cheated was because I did it to him in the past. He smokes which is something I never knew about and he never liked for As long as I have known him.He is a liar. I don’t recognize him and the only explanation I can come up with is he no longer loves me. I am alone. Anyone have any advice for me?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, some betrayed spouses do cheat as pay-back. If you don’t feel you can reconcile then it’s best to move on. But if you really want to stay with him, and he agrees, then you both have a great deal of work to do. How does he feel about reconciling?


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

*Cls2002*

Your past infidelity is NOT an excuse for HIS!!!!! Got that?

I say start planning for divorce. Get all your financial info together and visit a lawyer to learn your options.

Regarding NOT divorcing - your husbands current attitude is not going to allow reconciliation. Seems he harbors
hurt and/or hate for your past - and thinks (as you say?) that your the cause of his path. Bovine Scatology!!!!

Can you talk to friend/family or ?? to get some support? If not - maybe Individual Council?

You haven't provided much info - do you have children? Relatives nearby? What is the history of your marriage?
Do you have means to support yourself if living separate? More info will help folks make suggestions on how to proceed.

edit - fix spelling - got to get a better checker


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## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Yes, some betrayed spouses do cheat as pay-back. If you don’t feel you can reconcile then it’s best to move on. But if you really want to stay with him, and he agrees, then you both have a great deal of work to do. How does he feel about reconciling?


He wants to stay together, but can I trust what he is saying? Idk. Trust went out the window the moment I found out he cheated. He may have not trusted me because of my past, but I trusted him with my life before this happened. Also, like I said as long as I don’t have any crying or outwardly visible emotions he is ok, but if I do then he gets pissed. There is no empathy for me. Which makes me question how much he truly cares about how hurt I am


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Cls2002 said:


> Hello,
> I found out my husband of 27 yrs cheated over the last few months. Before I go any further, I too have cheated in the past and it was very hurtful to him as well. I’m not innocent by any means and I regret the terrible choices I made. Now, back to him cheating. He literally has no emotion. He wants me to act like it didn’t happen. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He gets angry when I cry and he keeps saying things insinuating that the reason he cheated was because I did it to him in the past. He smokes which is something I never knew about and he never liked for As long as I have known him.He is a liar. I don’t recognize him and the only explanation I can come up with is he no longer loves me. I am alone. Anyone have any advice for me?


How long ago was your affair? What was your reconciliation like? It sounds like he never got over it… was the whole thing swept under the rug?

Regardless of the past, @ShatteredKat is right, you don’t “owe” him an affair. Let go of that burden and address the issue right in front of you. When he tries to blame you, don’t let him. Cheating (as you know) is a choice cheaters make and there’s nothing the other spouse can do to stop it.

Is he still in contact with OW?


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## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

ShatteredKat said:


> *Cls2002*
> 
> Your past infidelity is NOT an excuse for HIS!!!!! Got that?
> 
> ...


He will not acknowledge that the anger and coolness he shows towards me is also hurtful and I agree it is not gonna allow me to grieve and us to reconcile. We have grown children and I can support myself. I have a counselor that I talk too, but that is it. My husband could be a huge support, but the blatant lack of empathy will not allow him to


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cls2002 said:


> He wants to stay together, but can I trust what he is saying? Idk. Trust went out the window the moment I found out he cheated. He may have not trusted me because of my past, but I trusted him with my life before this happened. Also, like I said as long as I don’t have any crying or outwardly visible emotions he is ok, but if I do then he gets pissed. There is no empathy for me. Which makes me question how much he truly cares about how hurt I am


Going forward — regardless of what happens — don’t trust him or anyone else 100%. Definitely not like you did before. That’s just asking for trouble. Maybe he feels you deserve to feel the pain that he felt. You’ll have to decide if you think you can create a new marriage because the old one is gone.


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## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Yes, some betrayed spouses do cheat as pay-back. If you don’t feel you can reconcile then it’s best to move on. But if you really want to stay with him, and he agrees, then you both have a great deal of work to do. How does he feel about reconciling?


He is here physically, but appears checked out emotionally. I love him so much and I want to work things out, but I cannot if he doesn’t allow me in emotionally


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did he tell you or did you find out?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Cls2002 said:


> Before I go any further, I too have cheated in the past and it was very hurtful to him as well. I’m not innocent by any means and I regret the terrible choices I made.


Cls2002,

Men often don't register their pain on the surface, but it lingers for years and grows with time. If you rugswept then this is just balancing the scales to him and ending the injustice.

Are there things the two of you did not do to recover from your affair?

The two of you may have to recover from both affairs at the same time. Did you ever give him a detailed confession was the OMW informed, were there consequence for the OM.


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## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> How long ago was your affair? What was your reconciliation like? It sounds like he never got over it… was the whole thing swept under the rug?
> 
> Regardless of the past, @ShatteredKat is right, you don’t “owe” him an affair. Let go of that burden and address the issue right in front of you. When he tries to blame you, don’t let him. Cheating (as you know) is a choice cheaters make and there’s nothing the other spouse can do to stop it.
> 
> Is he still in contact with OW?


No. He says it is over. I believe him, but I think it changed how he feels about me


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## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Did he tell you or did you find out?


She told and he immediately confessed everything


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cls2002 said:


> She told and he immediately confessed everything


Did she think he would leave you for her?


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## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> Cls2002,
> 
> Men often don't register their pain on the surface, but it lingers for years and grows with time. If you rugswept then this is just balancing the scales to him and ending the injustice.
> 
> ...


I confessed after getting caught. I have no clue about the OM and any consequences. I left that behind years ago. I love my husband, but I want him to accept that I am emotional and hurt. I just want some compassion. We can get through this, but not if he is being so cold


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## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Did he tell you or did you find out?


She told and he immediately confessed


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## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Did she think he would leave you for her?


Yes. That was the plan


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## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Did she think he would leave you for her?


Yes


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cls2002 said:


> Yes. That was the plan


He told her that he was going to leave you? And changed his mind?


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## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Did he tell you or did you find out?


She told and then he immediately confessed


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Cls2002 said:


> No. He says it is over. I believe him, but I think it changed how he feels about me


You must know by now (being that you’ve had an affair) that you cannot control him, his feelings, or the effort he puts into this? You can only control you. Stop chasing him, work on your own stuff and let him figure out what he needs to do if he wants to stay married. He already knows exactly what he needs to do, if you did all the right things after you cheated (did you?). If he doesn’t do the work to fix his side of things… then your choices are narrowed to rug sweeping, or leaving.


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## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> He told her that he was going to leave you? And changed his mind?


Yes


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## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> You must know by now (being that you’ve had an affair) that you cannot control him, his feelings, or the effort he puts into this? You can only control you. Stop chasing him, work on your own stuff and let him figure out what he needs to do if he wants to stay married. He already knows exactly what he needs to do, if you did all the right things after you cheated (did you?). If he doesn’t do the work to fix his side of things… then your choices are narrowed to rug sweeping, or leaving.


I think I did, but I don’t know what is real or right anymore. He is going to leave me. I have no choice.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you feel that if he does leave it’s likely for her?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

As others have mentioned, the initial cheating sets things in motion many times. I have seen and heard quite a few stories where the initial betrayal causes so much resentment that eventually the betrayed cheats, too. I think it is just human nature. Some Betrayed people feel they were taken advantage of and that this is unfair, unjust. Of course, they are right. So, they cheat force number of reason to even the score.
How long ago did you cheat? How long was the affair? What, if anything, was done to help your husband heal? Did you suffer any consequences? Who was your affair partner? Was he married?


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Cls2002 said:


> Hello,
> I found out my husband of 27 yrs cheated over the last few months. Before I go any further, I too have cheated in the past and it was very hurtful to him as well. I’m not innocent by any means and I regret the terrible choices I made. Now, back to him cheating. He literally has no emotion. He wants me to act like it didn’t happen. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He gets angry when I cry and he keeps saying things insinuating that the reason he cheated was because I did it to him in the past. He smokes which is something I never knew about and he never liked for As long as I have known him.He is a liar. I don’t recognize him and the only explanation I can come up with is he no longer loves me. I am alone. Anyone have any advice for me?


If a spouse cheats it means that spouse does not love their partner, because if a partner truly loves their wife/husband, no one could ever steal that partner away, not under any circumstances. 
Cheating is an absolute choice and never can a spouse be responsible for their partner cheating.
When a spouse cheats the marriage cannot recover, the trust will be gone and the cheated on spouse will bear a grudge for the remainder of the married life.
I believe cheating is in the top list types of domestic abuse and should be considered as such by the divorce system.
I have no sympathy for cheating wives/husbands.
You have 2 options, either follow your husband`s example and stay together taking into consideration that your marriage will not be the same as it was before you had an affair and let it go, or divorce.
That`s the reality of your situation.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Cls2002 said:


> He wants to stay together, but can I trust what he is saying? Idk. Trust went out the window the moment I found out he cheated. He may have not trusted me because of my past, but I trusted him with my life before this happened. Also, like I said as long as I don’t have any crying or outwardly visible emotions he is ok, but if I do then he gets pissed. There is no empathy for me. Which makes me question how much he truly cares about how hurt I am


how did you find out about his cheating?
How do you expect to reconcile if he doesn’t acknowledge your feelings in this situation?
Did you two do any counseling after your cheating was discovered?


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

How many relationships have you had in the past, how many times have you been caught?

How long did your relationship last (month/year)?

when did you get caught Did your husband notice or did om's wife or mutual acquaintances give information?

Did you leave om behind after you got caught? Did you make contact with om?

Have you been completely honest with your husband about the relationship after you got caught! or Lying, hiding, dripping continued

did you get mc/ic with your husband and tried to use lies, downsizing, manipulation etc. to protect om in therapy as well?

Has your husband been given medication in therapy?

If your husband had written here when he caught you, I would have asked him the above,

trying to stay with cheaters is difficult, people who have a relationship and lie to their face during the relationship

saying "i love you" "just sex" "he has no meaning" is trigger

your husband has to think about how many times you said the same thing to om, moreover, if you love him while cheating, he questions why you cheated,

Why does a woman in love cheat?

the only option left for your husband is that he is sexually inadequate for you,

The experiences with om make the husband obsessed with the size and performance problem that is every man's nightmare.

It's not surprising that he's out. He needs to prove himself and may want to stick with a woman who makes him feel strong.

I don't want to advocate cheating, but I accept that cheated people express their trauma in different ways.

After a blow to love and trust, it is not possible for the partner to continue the relationship by absorbing everything and covering it up.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sounds like you both enjoy drama. If you cheated, now he's cheating...why are you both pretending with each other that you want to make your marriage work? 

Your affair may not have been recent, but he probably never forgot it. His affair may be because he fell out of love with you ever since that affair. Not necessarily revenge, but your affair changed the tone of the marriage. The fact that he's telling another woman he's leaving you for her (what a lucky girl that is!  ) should cause you to not want to be with him, anymore. I don't know, love doesn't look like this...


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Cheating hurts both parties. The cheater feels guilt and confusion and realizing now that they cannot take back the incident they either feel they have to lie, cover up their actions, or become very vulnerable at a cost of losing their partner. The later seems the hardest to do. There are various reasons for cheating. Do you know why you cheated on your husband? Have the two of you been able to talk about this and had you felt he forgave you for your actions? Sometimes there is revenge cheating but it does not make it any less devastating nor does it justify his actions. Do you feel he has held onto anger for your action? Is he passive-aggressive? 

You are grieving and want his comfort which you are not receiving, I understand this and can validate what you are feelings. 

If the two of you cannot sit calmly and talk and both reach a point of forgiveness for one another with steps on how to move forward, you might want to consider marriage counseling so a thurd party can help you both communicate and understand each other.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Cls2002 said:


> He wants to stay together, but can I trust what he is saying? Idk. Trust went out the window the moment I found out he cheated. He may have not trusted me because of my past, but I trusted him with my life before this happened. Also, like I said as long as I don’t have any crying or outwardly visible emotions he is ok, but if I do then he gets pissed. There is no empathy for me. Which makes me question how much he truly cares about how hurt I am


I can understand your anger. He agreed to reconcile with you, and then pulls this. Not helpful to healing the relationship. It's certainly a betrayal, but I wonder, you say he isn't empathetic to talking about it. When he was in your position, were you willing to empathize with him and answer any questions he had. I want to just understand if he is acting the way you did in the past or not. 

It's not a solid foundation to continue this marriage, because now, he may fear a retaliatory cheating move on your part. It's a bad cycle. I'm not saying you created it, because he agreed to work on the marriage, and he certainly did not by doing this. He could have not forgiven you and moved on. Why work on it only to cheat?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

He says he wants to stay in this marriage.....but it is hard to do that when he doesn't sound like he has any remorse in his actions...and frankly based on what you are writing he behavior is one of being a complete jerk....if i were you i would look up 180 rules, an follow it...also i would meet with a therapist or the like for yourself i suspect he will not want too, i think what works best for him is rug sweep all of this away, which you should not do.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

How long ago did you cheat?
How long were you cheating for?

I would assume that you hurt him badly when you cheated, and that part of the relationship and his love simply died at that time. He may have truly believed that he could get passed it, he probably rugsweep it, but once a little time passed and he could really think, he knew he settled for a cheater. At this point, he should have ended the relationship... but maybe revenge was part of it.

Now you know how he felt.... perhaps you never acknowledged or understood how bad it was for him. You now have a very broken relationship. You basically have both nuked each other.

This probably sounds harsh, but I frankly don't have much sympathy for you. You started a ball rolling down hill that couldn't be stopped when you cheated.

Its probably now time to do what should have been done when the initial cheating happened.... end it.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I'm sorry it's devastating, but now you know first hand what he went through when you cheated. Sorry, but I have no sympathy for you. If his adultery was in retaliation, then using logic, it wouldn't have happened if you stayed faithful. 

Your marriage sounds like a mess. Probably best to split and go your separate ways.


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## CrapMan (7 mo ago)

The hubby is getting payback. God for him.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Cls2002 said:


> He is here physically, but appears checked out emotionally. I love him so much and I want to work things out, but I cannot if he doesn’t allow me in emotionally


You love him so much that you cheated on him. That's really messed up. Are you and he in counseling (not that I think it will help much)?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cls2002 said:


> I confessed after getting caught.


Soooooo….. you didn’t actually confess. You got caught.


in addition, you keep saying that your trust in him is destroyed. Yeah that makes sense.

ever stop to think that he has no reason to ever trust you considering you cheated on him first?


I personally think a long background story to you cheating first is necessary. How exactly did you reconcile, or did you just rug sweep and go back to “normal”? If that is what you all did, you let your husband know that cheating is ok to do. Just say you are sorry and all can be forgiven and everything can go back to the way it was.

with The minimal detail you’ve given, it sounds like that is what you did for reconciliation.


regardless, I’m sorry this happened to you. No one should ever have to go through this level of pain and what your husband did is not right. If he couldn’t reconcile with your affair, he should have left.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

CLS2002,

Perhaps take a step back and read some of the BH threads to get an idea what your BH went through and why he never completely healed.

From what you wrote it sounds like he never forgot or forgave although he might have said so.

If I am reading what you wrote correctly both you and the OM got off easy leaving only your BH with the pain. 

Generally the sex is never the same for a BH after his WW has an affair as WWs rarely love their BHs as passionately as before. And that lack of something which BHs can't even finds the words for accumulates year after year until something breaks.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I would also suggest both you and him write out detailed timelines for your affairs subject to a polygraphs.

He may never have believed your confession and suspected you omitted details and minimized.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

ShatteredKat said:


> *Cls2002*
> 
> Your past infidelity is NOT an excuse for HIS!!!!! Got that?


Actually sounds like a pretty good reason to me.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

So let me see here, you had an affair. He waited a fair amount of time and had a revenge affair. Whether he meant it or not, it was geared specifically to hurt you. I have been in the divorce business for a few decades. You and your H are by no means unique. What you are experiencing is a form of dissonance. Even though you transgressed, his response to it is completely unexpected. Nobody ever considers the response to infidelity. Most times, the response is emotional. Some times there is a revenge factor. Usually when the betrayed party is more shocked, I find that the revenge factor raises its head. He is likely feeling guilty that his response to infidelity was more infidelity, however, in my discussions, particularly with men who had been betrayed, there are two more common responses (as opposed to those of female clients) The first is to physically confront the affair partner. The second is to have an affair of their own and purposely stick it up their spouse's nose. His lack of emotion is telling; he has meted out your punishment, and you have served your sentence. That is why there is no emotion involved. Yes you are hurt, but make no mistake, it was done purposely to hurt.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Two wrongs may not make a right but they often make things even. Now they can both feel similar pain which may lead to more empathy.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

TAMAT said:


> I would also suggest both you and him write out detailed timelines for your affairs subject to a polygraphs.


I would suggest they both divorce and move on with their lives. This is a very toxic relationship and has little to no chance of survival.


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## RoseyPosey713 (2 mo ago)

I was cheated on in my marriage. I took my ring of my finger and started dating other men. If he wanted me, he could earn me. But I didn't want him back. We ended up divorcing. ..and I continued dating seeing other men. 

Let him go and be single...then choose whether or not to file for a divorce...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

When was your affair?

How long did it last?

Did you have sex in your own home?

How how did your husband discover your affair?

What was done for reconciliation?

How long was you husband’s affair?

Did he bring her into your home?

Empty nest? For how long?

I am just trying to get a idea of what has happened from the beginning of all of this.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Kput said:


> Two wrongs may not make a right but they often make things even. Now they can both feel similar pain which may lead to more empathy.


Unless he just doesn’t give a rat’s ass about OP. He could have just stayed until the kids were on their own then returned the favor of causing pain.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I can’t help but notice that in your post you only talk about how you feel about his cheating and how miserable you are but don’t speak about how he must have felt when you did the same. Empathy works in both directions.


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## Cls2002 (2 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Do you feel that if he does leave it’s likely for her?


No


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

And you’re really ’selective’ about which questions you will answer.
Why is that I wonder? Hmm.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Cls2002 said:


> Hello,
> I found out my husband of 27 yrs cheated over the last few months. Before I go any further, I too have cheated in the past and it was very hurtful to him as well. I’m not innocent by any means and I regret the terrible choices I made. Now, back to him cheating. He literally has no emotion. He wants me to act like it didn’t happen. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He gets angry when I cry and he keeps saying things insinuating that the reason he cheated was because I did it to him in the past. He smokes which is something I never knew about and he never liked for As long as I have known him.He is a liar. I don’t recognize him and the only explanation I can come up with is he no longer loves me. I am alone. Anyone have any advice for me?


Have you ever heard the saying "there's no honor among thieves"?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

He's probably mad that she told you. Let him be angry for a while. Who knows - maybe he's mad at himself. Did it only happen one time or was it a continual thing? It sounds like there is a whole lot more to it than what we know (not of your fault). Who knows what he was telling her to make her come and tell you about it.


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