# How to cope when he doesn't want childern?



## jrose711 (Jun 6, 2012)

Its that simple. I don't know what to do I've been wanting a child for over a year now and have been waiting. He said he would be ready in a year well that was last month and he in not ready. I'm depressed and feel betrayed. The entire time he was telling me how excited he was going to be and how the timing was perfect. I have no idea what changed, but now he wants to wait again. Has anyone gone through this?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are you both? How long have you been married? What reason does he give?

C
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## jrose711 (Jun 6, 2012)

We're both 25, we own our house, he has a great career. We've been together for almost 3 years. We just got married last month, but last year he told me it was his dream to get pregnant on our honeymoon and has talked about just as much as me. Then at the last min said he was just saying that to make me happy. Now we're married and I have this hate for him for lying to me and I don't know what else to do, but learn to cope with it since I don't want to force him. I'm just so unhappy I can't sleep and I just getting more and more depressed everyday


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Jrose, you are both really young. Did he say that he wasn't ready, or did he imply that he'd never want a child?

I think it's a bit early to give up on the relationship. If he says definitely he never wants a child, then that's one thing. But did he?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would also say it's early to call it quits, but the two of you need to get a discussion going about why he switched his opinion. Maybe with a counselor or mediator.

Assuming it went down as you describe, it was an ******* move on his part. He should have been upfront with you before the wedding. I'd be really curious about his side, though.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

jrose711 said:


> We're both 25, we own our house, he has a great career. We've been together for almost 3 years. We just got married last month, but last year he told me it was his dream to get pregnant on our honeymoon and has talked about just as much as me. Then at the last min said he was just saying that to make me happy. Now we're married and I have this hate for him for lying to me and I don't know what else to do, but learn to cope with it since I don't want to force him. I'm just so unhappy I can't sleep and I just getting more and more depressed everyday


You just got married. I had two kids back to back right after getting married. Trust me when I speak from 10 years of experience and say, let the man slide on this one, I know you are hurt, but look at this logically, you have SOOOO much time. ENJOY each other a little bit longer first. The last thing you want to do is rush him in fatherhood if he is not totally ready, talk to him calmly and ask him why he is holding back and ask him how much longer so that you can have an understanding and let him know how important children are to you, but do realize, that marriage is the foundation of a happy home for children, and you are just beginning to experience all that marriage offers. Maybe it is financial to him, maybe he is scared, maybe he just wants to enjoy you. Because face it, once you have a child, he loses a peice of you (my husband said for every child his peice of his "pet name" pie got smaller, as did the literal pie on the table)... it's very true. I think other Mom's would tell you the same. I love my kids, but I wish my husband and I had more time to enjoy each other before rushing into parenthood.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

My advice . . . take with a grain of salt . . . but this is something that should have been discussed BEFORE you got married. Children are either something you do or DO NOT want. People who DO NOT want them should not have them or be forced to have them - the results can be devastating.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jrose711 said:


> We're both 25, we own our house, he has a great career. We've been together for almost 3 years. We just got married last month, but last year *he told me it was his dream to get pregnant on our honeymoon and has talked about just as much as me.* Then at the last min said he was just saying that to make me happy. Now we're married and I have this hate for him for lying to me and I don't know what else to do, but learn to cope with it since I don't want to force him. I'm just so unhappy I can't sleep and I just getting more and more depressed everyday





jrose711 said:


> Its that simple. I don't know what to do I've been wanting a child for over a year now and have been waiting. *He said he would be ready in a year well that was last month and he in not ready.* I'm depressed and feel betrayed. *The entire time he was telling me how excited he was going to be and how the timing was perfect.* I have no idea what changed, but now he wants to wait again. Has anyone gone through this?


For those who say "this should have been discussed before getting married"... her posts state that it WAS discussed before marriage. He gave her a time frame and everything. She was cool with that. And now, after getting married, he is saying "not now... not now"... And, the OP is wondering if he is just putting her off because he isn't ready or because he doesn't want kids, period. 

Jrose, talk to him. If it is bothering you that much, TALK TO THE MAN! The only way you will find out for sure is if you hear it straight from him, one way or the other. We can only speculate as to what he is thinking and feeling.

Now, as to the "oh, you are too young" feelings here... 25 isn't exactly a baby! I had my first child at age 25, second at age 31, and third at age 33. Not everyone wants to be pushing 50 when their kids are graduating high school.  

I do agree, however, that because you are newly married, it isn't exactly a dealbreaker...UNLESS he committed fraud. I.E. he said he wanted kids just to get you to marry him, but in reality had/has no plans to ever get you pregnant. Yes, you are newly married (just a few months), but you HAVE been together 3 years. You never stated whether you lived together first. If so, it's not like that aspect is really new. But, it still is an adjustment. Regardless, sit down and discuss this with him. Come up with a plan, if he truly does want a child and is not just placating you.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> For those who say "this should have been discussed before getting married"... her posts state that it WAS discussed before marriage. He gave her a time frame and everything. She was cool with that. And now, after getting married, he is saying "not now... not now"... And, the OP is wondering if he is just putting her off because he isn't ready or because he doesn't want kids, period.


I'm sorry - but it does appear that he was telling her what he thought she wanted to hear but had no intention of carrying through. Like I said - take it with a grain of salt . . .


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

jrose711 said:


> We're both 25, we own our house, he has a great career. We've been together for almost 3 years. We just got married last month, but last year he told me it was his dream to get pregnant on our honeymoon and has talked about just as much as me. Then at the last min said he was just saying that to make me happy. Now we're married and I have this hate for him for lying to me and I don't know what else to do, but learn to cope with it since I don't want to force him. I'm just so unhappy I can't sleep and I just getting more and more depressed everyday


I can't tell if you are upset about not having a child right now or if you're upset that he lied. Likely both, but being that you are resigned to live with it makes me think you're mostly upset and depressed about not getting pregnant right now. I think you are making a terrible mistake to resign yourself to his admitted deception. No one in their right mind decides to "cope" with their husband lying to them. I would be livid, and yes, it absolutely would be a deal breaker for me because I won't live with never knowing when and if he is ever sincere. Others seem to think his deception will work out better to not have kids yet, while glossing over the operative word - deception. So what that it might be better for a newly-married couple to wait. What has that to do with the issue? It was a controlling tactic, and I would not let my husband get away with it. 

You came here to vent about his lie and not being able to have a baby as he promised. So, you didn't mention anything else about him, but I know there is more. I have no doubt he is controlling in other ways. If he will lie like that to dupe you into marrying him, he controls you in every way he possibly can. Or, how many other times has he made promises with no sincerity and then just "changed his mind?" There is no way this is his one and only account, so I know what you are going through and wonder why you have resigned yourself to all that too. You don't just "learn to cope" with whatever he wants to do to you.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

If he doesn't want a kid, he doesn't want a kid.. if you force the issue one of three things will happen

1. he will cave and resent you forever
2. he will not cave and you will resent him forever
3. you will get pregnant and stay together just for the kid

You got married a month ago and already its baby, baby, baby??
Not to sound mean, but are you a wife or a baby recepitical??


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

katiebird said:


> my advice . . . Take with a grain of salt . . . But this is something that should have been discussed before you got married. Children are either something you do or do not want. People who do not want them should not have them or be forced to have them - the results can be devastating.


oh!! The results are devastating!!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

geek down said:


> If he doesn't want a kid, he doesn't want a kid.. if you force the issue one of three things will happen
> 
> 1. he will cave and resent you forever
> 2. he will not cave and you will resent him forever
> ...


Her issue, it seems, is that they have been together for three years. A year ago, he said "let's wait a year". She waited the time he asked. He claimed he had hoped she'd get pregnant on their honeymoon, which was a month ago. Yes, they've been MARRIED for a year, but how long have they lived together before that? He said he'd be ready, and now he's reneging. I agree, don't force someone to have a child if he (or she) doesn't want to. By the same token, if someone doesn't want children, he (or she) needs to be honest about that. Don't misrepresent yourself. Let the object of your affection make an informed decision. Now, it is possible that he really is just not ready. He may just need more time. At the very least, jrose needs to sit down and really talk about this to him, if she hasn't already.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

wow, you are only 25. I wouldn't be ready either! Enjoy this time just the two of you. I had my first at 31. We were too busy seeing the world and being just us. Get use to being a married couple first before having a child. Its a precious time just for the two of you. Your eggs are just fine, give it some time.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Its a big leap from being married to fatherhood. It sounds like he has some doubts. Dont look at it as a bad thing. Is he the type that wants to be sure he is doing the right thing? He probably has some doubts. Its not like your wanting to buy a puppy. I can tell you I didnt get married until I was 25 and didnt have my son until I was almost 30. Its a lot to think about. He might just have some doubts that he would be a good father. I would suggest to encourage him and let him know how good a dad he would be to a new baby to get him over this doubt. I had some of these feelings, its kind of scary. Its unknown territory and finality that your youth is now gone and your in the next stage of your life. Be patient.


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

My son who is now 34 was strung along by his partner for 11 years... Saying she wanted children. It turns out she has never wanted them. When he found out he called off the wedding.
I know he is really gutted about this but as they both live in Australia and have a great lifestyle, he is trying to convince himself that he can live with this.... I am not so sure he can.
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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

You two are young. What is the hurry? Sometimes after marriage, wives start focusing so much on children that they forget their husband. Sounds like you're already doing that. Think of how much more you'll do that when you do have a baby. 
Just because he isn't ready yet doesn't mean he was being deceptive. Sometimes people think they will be ready for something in a certain timeframe, but then realize they aren't. 

Take it from someone who had a baby with a partner who wasn't ready...it doesn't work out well. I raised my.child alone for most of his life after we divorced. He left the area because he didn't want to pay child support. I didn't finish college until much later. My job prospects were less because I had trouble affording childcare. Every man I met at that age wasnt interested in a readymade family, so I didn't get a lot of second dates. Think long and hard before forcing this issue right now. Concentrate on being a wife first. Have fun without all the constraints of having a child.
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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jrose posted in the parenting forum about this as well. The picture is a bit clearer from what she posted there. AND, the other post was made before she posted here.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family...-wanting-child-when-he-doesnt.html#post805037


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

Sorry. This sounds like a difficult situation. It seems very unfair that he would tell he wanted children when you did just to make you happy. I can see saying he loves your fav. dress when he doesn't, saying dinner is so delicious when it is just okay, but lying about when he wants children? Quite unfair. 

The good news is that you are quite young and you guys have plenty of time (I know this doesn't mean much, you feel ready and you want it and that's totally fair). You need to have a discussion about being up-front when it comes to such important issues. 

Hope you guys can work it out, hopefully this is a hiccup in an otherwise long and happy marriage


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Jrose, 

It sounds like you are really sad. I feel bad for you. I think in order for you to get an accurate response you have to clarify: 

-Is it no kids period or no kids right now?
-were you living together before marriage? 
-did you make it clear that you wanted kids young? 


While i agree with others that 25 is young it is your perrogative to want that. If he represented that prior to marriage and he told you he told you that because "that is that he said that to make you happy" then that is to me committing an act of fraud. Not to be technical but, he represented a material fact, he wanted to have kids and have them young (which he so much as admitted his motive was to "make you happy" now you have relied on this missrepresentation by marrying him. Now since he has his prize (you) he is not following through on his promise. 

If he is saying NO kids (not just right now, to me you have to make a decision to stay married without the prospects of a starting a family under good conditions (or not all) or leaving. 

Now that i write this I wonder if your relationship has changed or if there is sometning that has changed now that the wedding hype and honeymoon have passed. I know of alot of men and women that change for the worse after getting married. Don't know U so can't say. Just a thought. 
Either his feelings for you have changes and/or he is a jerk or he has had a change of heart regarding having children. None of these reasons to me set up a good scenario for long-term success for you and him. 

Sorry to be blunt. Good luck.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You're both very young and, although you've been together for 3 years, have only been married a month. Parenthood is a huge step, IMO, and if I were you I'd give him as much time as he needs to feel comfortable with the idea. I should think the worst thing you could do right now is pressurize him, as it could seriously damage your relationship. I would give him all the time he needs, OP, because you both have all the time in the world to become parents.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Ok so i pasted your other post here so others could have the whole picture. 

It is still unclear if he NEVER wants to have kids but, this paints your H to be a real tool. Now that he has a wife at home to care for his daughter he..

Anywhay her is your post for everyone to be more enlightened with. 
good luck i will pray for you. 


So, my husband and I just get married last month. We are both 25 yrs old and we have been together for 2 1/2 years and have lived with each other for 2 yrs. We both have daughters from previous relationships. They are turning 5 this month and starting school in the fall. Has has a wonderful career as a firefighter and I am going to school for my early childhood education and could be done as soon as may 2013. We own our house, I was just able to buy a new mini van out right. We have a wonderful relationship we love our kids. Not everyone is perfect but i truly feel that our life is as good as it could be. We're not rich, but we're doing fine. Despite all of this I find myself upset, depressed and even crying on a regular basis. 

For over a year now I've yearned for another child. We have such a wonderful life and family I wanted to bring another life into it. My husband has agreed with me since I first brought it up, but wanted to wait because he wasn't ready/ we weren't married at the time. He told me how important marriage is to him and how he wanted more children also, but we needed to be married. I was still upset, but I understood and we planned our wedding I even pushed it back 2 months. The whole time we talked about trying to have a baby. He would even talk about how excited he was to try and conceive on our honeymoon and how great it would be if I came back pregnant. He said it was something he always wanted. He even said how he couldn't wait till we were married so then we wouldn't have to use birth control anymore and we could just have as many as we wanted or until we felt we had enough kids. I was excited and it really did help. It made the yr go by fast and I knew i could wait for a baby till marriage bc we talked about it all the time and i felt like we had a plan. So i focused on the wedding and was excited about our life together. 3 months before the wedding I stopped all birth control he even came to the app. with me. We wanted to make sure I was regular and could get pregnant easily. During this time I suffered through a lot of pain due to the endometriosis or pcos the drs think I have, but they said it still looked good to get pregnant and the pain would stop when i stopped getting periods. It was difficult, but i knew we wanted a baby so i did it.

Then a few weeks before the wedding he comes out and tell me he really doesn't want to start trying to have kids. He said he was just telling me that to make me happy. So i started using BC again, but I'm devastated. I don't know what to do. I feel like I already waited for him. He promised this is all he wanted was to be married so I let him take his time and planned the wedding and the whole time he told me he would be ready and excited to try after that. BUt here we are married and he no longer wants to try. I'm so unhappy i haven't slept well in over a week, I'm crying all the time and worst of all i'm being a horrible mother. I don't want to be with them. I don't want to touch my husband and i feel hate towards him. I'm already thinking worst case scenario and thinking about how much time i'm gonna give him till i leave. Its crazy and don't know what to do. I'm lost this desire of having another child has been on my heart for over a year now. Its making me crazy I felt think i could get through it because I was counting down the months and days till we could try and then this. I don't know what to do he said maybe next year, but what if hes just lying again? I have no trust for him and I know this is going to ruin our relationship. Does anyone have any advice? 

Sorry its so long I just wanted to make sure everyone got the whole picture


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tjohnson said:


> Ok so i pasted your other post here so others could have the whole picture.
> 
> It is still unclear if he NEVER wants to have kids but, this paints your H to be a real tool. Now that he has a wife at home to care for his daughter he..
> 
> ...


Thank you for posting her actual post... That's what I linked to above. Basically, the endometriosis and/or pcos is a tough thing to deal with when you want kids. I have friends who have dealt with this and the one who has endometriosis has said how painful it is, and was put on bc pills to keep that at bay, as much as possible. Going off them, she had quite awhile before she was able to get pregnant. Pcos, however, is a totally different ballgame. Again, difficulties getting pregnant. It's good that jrose's doctors are optimistic about pregnancy, but I do know that pcos is REALLY tough to deal with when trying to get pregnant. Endometriosis, I only know from one friend. Pcos I know from multiple sources... can take many years to get pregnant...sometimes, even with having to go thru fertility treatments. 

Now, if this TRULY was a "bait & switch" you need to decide whether you can live with him not wanting children ever, or not. Otherwise, take the wait and see approach, and hope your condition doesn't get worse.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I don’t know this man or his character. However bases only upon what you said as a man I would venture to say it is most likely he has mislead you to get you to marry him. He has gone back on his word twice and has basically said he was “telling you what you want to hear to make you happy” 

I wholeheartedly reject the wait and see approach! People who are suggesting that perhaps are viewing you as very young and are biased perhaps by the idea that you can wait. What if you wait 1yr, 2yrs…he still says no? What does it matter if it is now or in two years? 

Furthermore, more important than finding out if he wants kids now is if this man is a total dirt bag. I mean he is a great provider and you as a single mom do and should view this as a major plus however, if he is going to lie about material things like this then he is truly in my opinion a person of highly questionable character. Perhaps this is an isolate incedent but, in my 47 years on this planet I have found that people tend to do things and make decisions that are dictated by their character and that typically does not change. To me this is more important than whether you twist his arm to have kids or not. 

I hope i am wrong. Again i pray for a favorable outcome in this regard.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

River1977 said:


> I can't tell if you are upset about not having a child right now or if you're upset that he lied. Likely both, but being that you are resigned to live with it makes me think you're mostly upset and depressed about not getting pregnant right now. I think you are making a terrible mistake to resign yourself to his admitted deception. No one in their right mind decides to "cope" with their husband lying to them. I would be livid, and yes, it absolutely would be a deal breaker for me because I won't live with never knowing when and if he is ever sincere. Others seem to think his deception will work out better to not have kids yet, while glossing over the operative word - deception. So what that it might be better for a newly-married couple to wait. What has that to do with the issue? It was a controlling tactic, and I would not let my husband get away with it.
> 
> You came here to vent about his lie and not being able to have a baby as he promised. So, you didn't mention anything else about him, but I know there is more. I have no doubt he is controlling in other ways. If he will lie like that to dupe you into marrying him, he controls you in every way he possibly can. Or, how many other times has he made promises with no sincerity and then just "changed his mind?" There is no way this is his one and only account, so I know what you are going through and wonder why you have resigned yourself to all that too. You don't just "learn to cope" with whatever he wants to do to you.


I have to agree here. This is not much different than guys who were baited and switched by women promising good sex and then simply never provided. You should be prepared for the possibility that your husband will manipulate you or simply ignore your perspective in other aspects of your life.

As noted elsewhere on this thread, this is at its core a respect and character issue. Having a kid with this guy means you run the risk that you will drive him off or he will resent the child. This is not something in which you can compromise like sex.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Now, if this TRULY was a "bait & switch" you need to decide whether you can live with him not wanting children ever, or not. Otherwise, take the wait and see approach, and hope your condition doesn't get worse.


Actually, if this is a bait and switch then the OP should simply cut her losses and get out now. The root issue is not whether or not to have kids (either is a legitimate lifestyle choice), but rather that he manipulated her into marriage.

The last thing that she should be doing is putting herself in a situation where she (or a third party) depends on him for anything whatsoever.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

DTO said:


> Actually, if this is a bait and switch then the OP should simply cut her losses and get out now. The root issue is not whether or not to have kids (either is a legitimate lifestyle choice), but rather that he manipulated her into marriage.
> 
> The last thing that she should be doing is putting herself in a situation where she (or a third party) depends on him for anything whatsoever.


Unfortunately, I didn't word my comment the way I should have. My point was that only SHE can decide what she wants to live with: stay with the man who manipulated her or get out and find a man who will truly value her. Moot point, it seems. OP hasn't been back since she posted her two threads.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

They've been together three years.
She's 25 not 19.
He has told her he wants children but keeps putting her off.

Sounds like the makings of a bait & switch to me.

OP, talk to him, find out exactly why he wants to wait.
Don't accept some vague answer like "I'm just not ready".

Inform him that a child was a major reason for your desire to marry and there will be consequences that affect the marriage in a major way if he's been bull****ting you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enigmaticveil (Jun 18, 2012)

I am totally confused now I came here because I too am going through this and friend said this would help ...almost seems as if she's taking a bit of a bashing. Well I too feel betrayed and I don't think its fair to be made to feel wrong for wanting a family with the man you love and tethered yourself to in front of God and love ones. I wanted some way of talking this out and finding real ways to help me battle the feelings inside ...but all I see here is don't push him ...poor guy and wait some more....my friend said this was a women to women chat up ....where's the love ....anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens God bless!!!


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