# one and done



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

How many thought if ever they were cheated on they would divorce ASAP and then found out they wanted to reconcile? What was the basis of your original ideal and why did you relent?
I myself don't know what I would do. Told my kids one and done and then with WR'S situation said it was situational. 

I love my h. I would be devastated if he cheated. I would want to R but I doubt I could. He has a history.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Actually....I had always assumed I would go on a total revenge killing spree.....knowing full well my life would most likely end at the same time.

I'm not kidding. I'm totally serious.

What I did not know at the time was just how much hurt can affect you. When it really did happen to me (and I had no clue...total suprise), I turned into an emotional mess. I didn't even think about the OM for several weeks. I was more likely to just kill myself than do anyone else any harm.

Good news is I got past that phase pretty darn quick.
I learned a lot about my self through all of this.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I just never even let the thought once pervade my mind, however in hindsight I should have seen this coming before I ever got married, thought it was just part of wife's youthful past, but when we were first started dating she was quite religious, went to church weekly. I wasn't very churchy but a lot more conservative christian thinking and gladly went with her. Early on in dating as our makeout sessions started to get hot she put up a big barrier and I respected it, but then she felt a lot of shame cause I think she realized I was long term material and was so scared to admit she'd cheated on her previous boyfriends as well as once with a married man.

I had so much love for her and the fact she admitted it made me realize she had changed and I never really gave it a second thought, the past was the past right? (typical nice guy thinking)

Well when our wedding day was drawing near a relative of hers went through an affair and W told me if she ever cheated that she would want be to boot her to the curb. I thought it was a little strange she was telling me this but I figured it was her way of telling me if I ever cheated she'd boot me to the curb.

I guess I should have saw the signs and listened to her when she basically was telling me that if she ever gets bored she's going to take the first chance she gets to cheat??


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I am a case study on this. I was crystal clear that would be my action if it were to happen in this my SECOND marriage. And like it-guy, I fully believed serious crimes were going to get committed.

But when there's a child involved, all selfish choices kind of go out the window. So I'm *trying* to see if I can get to R... not sure I will, but in the excruciating pain I somehow didn't pack up and leave on DDay... to even my own amazement.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I actually never entertained "what I would do" in that situation because I honestly never ever believed my husband would ever cheat on me. Not once. I felt very confident and secure in our marriage especially since he hammered it in my head how much he hated cheaters. Sure, I made references to how I'd chop his balls off if he ever did it to me but I never actually fathomed he ever would. Naive? Yes. 

It happened and I forgave him. I also cheated on him. He was not as forgiving.

We didn't reconcile. We divorced although we are still in contact. I do wish him the best.


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## Seriously (Jun 21, 2011)

I think that A's are something that you just never know how you will react until it happens to you. You can "what if" all you want but until the day you discover it you just never know.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Seriously said:


> I think that A's are something that you just never know how you will react until it happens to you.


:iagree:


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

I had always thought that if she ever had an affair that I would drop her in a hot minute. I even helped my brother leave his wife over an affair she was having on him. I told him step-by-step everything he needed to do, such as getting his belongings, his share of the money from their account, removing his name from all bills. I was his biggest cheerleader on leaving his wife. I even had a good friend in the same situation. I told him the same things I told my brother to do. Both of them followed my advice and left their cheating wives. My brother had been married less than a year and my friend had been married for 6 years.

When I found out about my wife's affair, I couldn't bring myself to just up and quit. I left her in limbo for a couple of weeks while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do. I really wanted to R almost immediately after finding out, but I didn't want her to know it. I didn't want her to think I made light of her affair in any way. I even told my mom that I felt like a hypocrite for trying to R after I had gotten my brother and my friend away from their cheating wives. I told her that when it came right down to it, I was a pu$$y for not following my own advice. My wife is fully aware right now that if I can't get past her affair, that our marriage is over. I am slowly starting to see signs of moving past it, so I guess that's a good thing?


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

I too always thought that. You never know until it happens. I do know I will not allow her to hurt me again. I have made a promise to myself, verbally in front of her, that I will leave. I know I deserve better than to be treated that way and life is to short.


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

I was always sure I would never be accepting of being in a relationship with a person who would cheat on me.

I can't believe I am saying this, but I took him back 3 times after 'one-night-stands' and more times that were also purely physical but not all the way (groping, ...). 

He was so remorseful each and every time - each time caugh him 'off guard', but obviously he didn't do enough to change.

Now we're in a situation where I had gotten myself involved in an EA/PA (ended), and when I confessed to him, I learned that he had repeatedly cheated on me over the past 7 years.

Despite the devasting pain my H feels because of my A, he still wants to pursue R, but I am so scared and hurt and fear that after taking him back a fourth time, there may be more to come.

Plus, despite having many super-awesome attributes that are rare in a person, our marriage had other issues (since I didn't know about his As over the past 7 years) that led to me giving in to temptation and having an EA/PA. So, I am fearing that those things may not sufficiently change either.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I figured my WW would have run off and I won't have a choice in the matter. Back in the day I often hoped this would be the case. But she kept coming back and I realy didn't care. I spent my whole marriage being indifferent to my wife and of course she found comfort in other. It wasn't until reasently that I started caring and when I did we just both seemed to click.

So the "one and done" wasn't my plan it was more "do you want a healthier marriage then stop sleeping around"


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I am not convinced by the folks who say "Just wait till it's you..." I know myself. I know what I feel what I think.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I agree that no one really knows how they will react. And I think if you havn't ever been a BS you really don't know.

I guess I know exactly what would happen to me if it were to ever happen again. I suspect I would be turned into the same pitiful mess as the first time around. I'm not going to kid myself about that. I know what it felt like, and I know how I could just go back to that again.

I understand how someone could get caught in a cycle of being cheated on, forgiving, being cheated on again, forgiving again, ect.....

I think we all have to have some respect for ourselves and keep this kind of crap from happening. Some folks on here just left the first time, and thats fine. I simply made the decision that I would leave the second time.

During our talks I have told my wife that if it ever happened again, I would walk out the door. I know that I would not want to leave. I know that I would want to R. But, I would have to force myself to walk out that door to salvage whatever is left of my life. Just sit back, support my kids, and stay as far away from her as possible.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I agree with those that say you don't know until he happens. I always said, if my H ever cheats - there's the door and I'd get a divorce in a hot minute! (and i neer thought he would EVER do that.) THEN it happened, and the minute I found out I was hit with this intense feeling of not wanting to lose him (accompanied with trouble breathing, dizziness and intense nausea!)

I also have 2 small children who adore their daddy and I couldn't imagine them having to live without both parents NOR can I live w/out seeing them everyday. 

You just don't know. You can speculate, you can judge but you truly just don't know.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Here is another question. So many ppl cite children as why they stayed. If there were no kids would you have honestly left? A lot of me sees kids as an excuse to stay instead of a reason. Wanting to know it isn't me, he still wants me, may be more of it. But the pain you must endure to get there, do you ever feel truly chosen again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

No kids involved in my case. So that's why I am wondering if this is the last chance to 'cut my losses' in the hope I won't be too old to still have a chance to have children.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

... with someone you can trust...

I say go for it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

For me, the cheating was part of an overall pattern of abuse. Only part of the bigger picture. By itself, the impact was not fatal to the marriage. What was fatal to the marriage was the abuse and the underlying personality patterns and personal morals of my spouse.


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## mkl (Jul 9, 2011)

You shouldn't sell yourself short. If you are not happy and if you don't love your spouse you should end the marraige. Staying together for the sake of the children is not good for anyone.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I won't say I'm still here working at R JUST for my son, but I have thought about this a lot for an enormous amount of time and I can truly say if it were not for the child I would not be here trying in the first place. He allowed me to even open the door to the possibility of R; her remorse, effort, work, willingness, transparency, sympathy, and frankly tolerance for my pain and expressions of it keep me in it. So far, at least.

If I arrive at a realization that I just can't be with her, will be too unhappy, then I won't stay just for the child, but it sure lets me tolerate significantly more pain and accept much less an ideal wife and partner, and dramatically lowers the bar in my own happiness requirements. My entire value system has been shaken to its core and is being reinvented. I don't like it, but it is.

And as I told my wife in a fit of rage early on at DDay, his existence absolutely was the only thing that saved bodily harm, major crime(s), and significant costs and time away. I know this with all my being.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's like re registering a totaled car as 'salvage'. Oh sure it's drivable and it might even be in pretty good shape. But it was totaled and put back together and it's impossible to get insurance on the car - only liability to others. So yeah, you might get back together but it's a salvage job after driving the car into a creek or a wall or setting it on fire. Don't expect miracles and be ready to finally junk it when the time comes.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

2x is my doppelganger in this mess. I've been devastated, then re-devastated after trickle truth revealed a PA in addition to the EA. Add the blatant lies on top of that and I've spiraled into wanting to do things that are . . . irrational. That all being said, seeking the advice of my closest friends (we have left family out of the picture), I want to give this a try as I think it's selfish to my two children to just up and leave without a least seeing how I feel in a few months. My D-Day was reset as of Sunday, and I think all the facts are now on the table. My WW doesn't realize how bad the lies tangled things up.

Add that just up and leaving reduces my time with my kids which I adore to at the best 50%, it appears you have to choose one of the ****ty options that are on the table.

Like others have said here too, I think in my heart I can get to where I need to be, but being a doormat in previous EAs she has had, I need to man up and let her see that I am not taking anything from this point on. So we are currently in an 'in-house' separation for now (which essentially means contact limited to a couple of words here and there while I see if I get to the point of wanting to R).

If she as much as sends a 'you are sexy' text to another man for the rest of her life, I will bounce as fast as possible. And probably pound in a face with the force of the three previous ones I should have pounded in as well.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Then make sure you DO get "her remorse, effort, work, willingness, transparency, sympathy, and frankly tolerance for my pain and expressions of it" to keep YOU in it. 

I told my wife I want her to sit down twice every day and think about what she has done, and assuming she is sorry, to find a way to tell me and to tell me why (not just "I'm sorry", but sorry for what), until I tell her to stop. That is a bit over the top, I know, but I sure as hell think about it a lot morethan twice a day. And you know what? It helped me to hear some of the words, even when they got repetitive, and it helped me to 'see' her effort. 

I feel for you, dude. We have ZERO good options - a true lose-lose situation. What I've realized is that while it is now ultimately my decision, it's really up to her right now. Her effort keeps me in the game. She stops, I go. She continues, I wait it out... and every day DOES seem get a teensy bit easier, fwiw... those moments with the child that just happen sontaneously, whiuch cannot be replaced or done over that I don't miss out on, I am real glad for being there. I've let that drive me to the effort going in. Good luck.


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> It's like re registering a totaled car as 'salvage'. Oh sure it's drivable and it might even be in pretty good shape. But it was totaled and put back together and it's impossible to get insurance on the car - only liability to others. So yeah, you might get back together but it's a salvage job after driving the car into a creek or a wall or setting it on fire. Don't expect miracles and be ready to finally junk it when the time comes.
> My god that is an awsome statemeent......has so much truth to and makes it very easy to read. I will have to use that one.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> If she as much as sends a 'you are sexy' text to another man for the rest of her life, I will bounce as fast as possible.


Seriously thinking about this, I'm wondering if a post-nup is a good option that can realistically be pursued, implemented, and if necessary enforced. 

Like, she cheats again or even leaves me with the impression she could be cheating, I get to take take ALL our stuff and she leaves with nothing but required child support. I mean nothoing buth the clothes on the back and what I choose to gove her. Nothing.

Anyone got real experience?


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

ClipClop said:


> Here is another question. So many ppl cite children as why they stayed. If there were no kids would you have honestly left? A lot of me sees kids as an excuse to stay instead of a reason. Wanting to know it isn't me, he still wants me, may be more of it. But the pain you must endure to get there, do you ever feel truly chosen again?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has two children from a previous relationship. They live with their father because of some BS about 9 years ago. We don't have any children together and couldn't because she had tubal ligation after her last pregnancy. I knew all of this going into marriage with her and had at one point really wanted kids of my own prior to our marriage. I gave up that option, willingly, to be with her. I gave up a major dream of mine to have her in my life for the rest of it. This is another reason her affair cuts so deep. Her affair meant my sacrifice was absolutely worthless and treated by her as such. The sad thing is, this is also the reason I wanted to attempt R. Since she replaced my only dream in this life, I wanted to make sure I gave it every effort. Our life has been better since the affair was exposed and I do feel that if our life continues as it is right now and only gets better, then I wouldn't have given up my dream for nothing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Here is another question. So many ppl cite children as why they stayed. If there were no kids would you have honestly left?


We did not have children and divorced.


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