# sexless marriage, falling apart



## deluded_adventurer (May 1, 2010)

I'm hoping some of the ladies here can lend some insight:

my wife and I have been together for 30 years and married for 25. we were married for almost 8 years before we had our son (our only child together). prior to him being born we were very much in love, best friends, loyal companions, passionate lovers - we both thought our marriage / relationship was one in a million. understand, we were together for 12 years before we had our son. our love never faded in all that time, it grew stronger. when she was pregnant, I was, I felt, so attentive and so looking forward to his birth. when he was born, he had cholic and pretty much cried for his first 18 months. this may have been where our relationship started coming apart as I didn't handle it too well, particularly as the months went on and on. she was up and very attentive to him, as she needed to be, and was exhausted from it all. I helped where and when I could, as did my daughter from my previous message, but I wish I could have and had been more help. our son is 17 now and has grown into a fine young man, and all is well from that standpoint.

obviously, the intimacy in our life took a real hit during this time. it did come back over time and feebly, but it was never the same. between the work in raising our son and the change in hormones in her body, she never really had an interest in it anymore. when we did make love, it was more of a rote duty than anything she really enjoyed. which hurt, since I am one that thinks that the intimate relationship between husband and wife is probably the most beautiful experience I will ever know in this life.

18 months ago I moved out. I couldn't stand the isolation anymore. I wanted a relationship with a woman. and I found one. but, as nice as it was, it didn't measure up, really, to the memories of my wife. my wife and I remained on friendly terms during all of this. well, as she was going through menopause (we're both in our 50's now), she found a local doctor that was able to balance out her hormones allowing her to sleep, get through all the hot / cold flashes and the general physical upheaval that woman go through. lo and behold, her libido came roaring back! we got caught up again, I told the dear lady I was dating at the time goodbye and my wife and I went to rekindling our relationship. I was in freakin heaven. my wife, lover, friend, mentor... was back! after all those years lost. wow. wonderful doesn't begin to describe. I thought we were on our way to getting it all back together again.

well, the hormone "pellet" she had, of course, didn't last forever. she started getting cold and distant again. I noted to her that maybe her pellet was need replacement. and, she did have an appt a few weeks out, where she received another, and the libido came back. wonderful. this thing was a simple solution to her libido issues. even she noted to me that the pellet made her open and willing for intimate relations with me.

the hormone pellet only lasts 3 months at a time, so she needed to keep getting it in order for our relationship to flourish. which I thought she would. but this last time (which had been at least 9 months now) she decided she didn't want to get it again. needless to say, our intimacy has faded to nothing. she has told me she has no interest in "sex" - which is the wrong connotation completely.

so, now I'm all broken hearted, really, because my wife, the love of my life, truly, has left me again (we still remain friendly). I can't convince her that she should want this hormone therapy. she says she's done with intimacy. I cannot believe it. we were doing so well and making real progress to being as husband and wife again. all dashed on the rocks now.

can any of you ladies explain the reasons / psychology behind this? because I am absolutely bewildered by this turn of events. not to mention saddened, hurt and lonely. all I've ever wanted is this woman's love and affection...

thanks


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I'm sure you know everyone posting on these boards give only their own side of the story. Obviously, that's the only way it can be, except that some are clearly skewed. Your case presents a particular problem in that we cannot possibly know your wife's reason for not wanting the pellets anymore. Having begun menopause myself, I don't have any problems that require me to seek solutions, so I can't say if there are side affects she doesn't want to have to deal with anymore. Perhaps someone taking the same ones your wife has can answer that if you tell us exactly which ones they are and how many milligrams. 

Other than that, perhaps there exists some resentment on her part. There would be if I were your wife. While I can understand you have sexual needs, I don't think I would appreciate your revolving door mentality. And now, I expect, as she probably expects, you are on your way out again to find someone yet again. Perhaps it's hard for one person to understand the needs of another, but understanding doesn't matter if she feels used.

Another possibility is maybe the relationship is not as satisfying for her as it is for you. Sounds like you need sex to keep you happy. What does she need that she is not getting? My point is, if the pellets brought back her desire for sex, I cannot imagine there being any reason a person wouldn't want that to continue (aside from side effects from the cure as mentioned above), except that it has become much less important than other things in her life, relationship, or sexual relations that are not being fulfilled. I suggest you try getting into her head instead of trying to get into her other parts.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Clearly she likes having you in the house. Why isn't she willing to make this compromise for you?



deluded_adventurer said:


> I'm hoping some of the ladies here can lend some insight:
> 
> my wife and I have been together for 30 years and married for 25. we were married for almost 8 years before we had our son (our only child together). prior to him being born we were very much in love, best friends, loyal companions, passionate lovers - we both thought our marriage / relationship was one in a million. understand, we were together for 12 years before we had our son. our love never faded in all that time, it grew stronger. when she was pregnant, I was, I felt, so attentive and so looking forward to his birth. when he was born, he had cholic and pretty much cried for his first 18 months. this may have been where our relationship started coming apart as I didn't handle it too well, particularly as the months went on and on. she was up and very attentive to him, as she needed to be, and was exhausted from it all. I helped where and when I could, as did my daughter from my previous message, but I wish I could have and had been more help. our son is 17 now and has grown into a fine young man, and all is well from that standpoint.
> 
> ...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Read my article here:
Sexless Marriage?
See if you were doing (or not doing) anything on the list.


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## deluded_adventurer (May 1, 2010)

Hi Susan
Wow, you sound a lot like my wife does. I'm not sure what you mean with "revolving door mentality". And your use of the term "sex", to me, indicates thoughts similar to what she feels. It's not "sex" I want, I could likely find that in any number of places. Its her love and affection that makes me feel whole. You're completely correct that she has needs that weren't being fulfilled and I've been working on recognizing these and correcting my past ignorance of them. And, we are getting along pretty well now - we walk the dog, go to dinner, sit and talk, laugh, I rub her feet while we watch a DVD, etc. She just "doesn't know if I'll ever want sex (there's that word again) again". I'm just doing my best to be pleasant, supportive and loving, ignore my desires for her so she doesn't feel pressured and hope that it will all turn out.


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## deluded_adventurer (May 1, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> Read my article here:
> Sexless Marriage?
> See if you were doing (or not doing) anything on the list.


Mark, unable to open your website. I get a "website" not found error.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Try it again, if it does not work for you, I will PM you the article


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## elhi13 (Apr 28, 2010)

Dear Deluded: I am understand your pain and your sadness. I, too, am in a relationship with my spouse that is sexless. I too seek the intimacy of our relationship and its not just the sex. It is the sense of feeling the closeness of that person you love. I have always enjoyed sex, never felt it was an obligation, and to me it completes a relationship. I am 44 years old, have been married for 27 years and the loneliness is too much to bear. I too, have a "good" relationship, I like being with him and doing things for him but that lack of intimacy is so hard on yourself. I feel pushed away, think its me, and I don't understand why he would do this. Just to let you know, not all women think like that. I understand your pain, I understand your loneliness and understand you wanting to try even though underneath it all....it's gone. That's the hardiest part. I am scared to death...I don't want to go...I don't want to look elsewhere...but it is happening. I just wished he would talk to me, look at me...so I could keep on wishing and hoping and let my life waste away. I don't know...how lucky are we that we have someone we love dearly but that one "issue" is what is destroying it? I wish you lots of luck and all I can say...follow your heart..though it is broken...but I don't think I can hang on much longer. It takes a lot of courage to admit this...Good Luck!


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## deluded_adventurer (May 1, 2010)

I have no idea... it makes no sense to me, but then I go more on logic than feelings, the opposite of her


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

deluded_adventurer said:


> I have no idea... it makes no sense to me, but then I go more on logic than feelings, the opposite of her


Di you get my website working?


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## deluded_adventurer (May 1, 2010)

Hi Mark, yes I was able to get to it and I've been reading your various articles. Thanks. After I've had a little time to digest, I was going to report back. Some of what you've written seems spot on to my situation, other parts not so much (but I could be at that river in Egypt)


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

deluded_adventurer said:


> (but I could be at that river in Egypt)


Ah yes... denial - I know it's sandy banks very well


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