# I am not the ideal wife... But...



## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

I have posted here many times and have worked hard on going to therapy and trying to improve boundaries etc with my husband. 

But sometimes you just need to vent. Case in point... Today. 

I never go to lunch with friends. Ever. My husband had been working a freelance job for an agency for 45 days. Today was his last day. He normally works from 9 til noon. I asked him if he could possibly be home by 1 so I could go to lunch with a colleague. She's been very nice but I had canceled on her due to my work schedule. I made my husband commit to being home by 1 at the latest do I could go to lunch and leave our son to him for an hour. He said no problem. I offered to reschedule again this morning. I told him that I couldn't leave this woman sitting at a lunch table without me there at 1:30. He said no problem!!!!!

At 1:20 I was standing by the door. No husband. So I called him. Got vm. I took my son with me to this lunch. I was so angry. Husband calls me and says he's sorry that they threw him an impromptu goodbye party. He was sorry. He said he would meet me at the restaurant. Park his car and take mine ( with our son in it ). I said okay.., he was supposed to leave keys under floor mat for me. I got out of car and the only request I had was to make sure our son ate lunch. He said okay. 

I walk into lunch (10 seconds after I get out of car) and he calls and complains about his workday. I said gotta go! Click). 

Them I get out of lunch and walk to gather car he parked. No keys. He had both sets. I call him. No answer. I text. No answer. I sit for 20 min. He finally texts and says he's sorry. He has been busy with some client of his (the one he was complaining to me about). I said please come get me. He said okay. I finally find him. Our son asks to ride with me. He proceeds to tell me daddy hasn't given him anything to drink or eat since I left. 

Husband apologizes and says he's been so worked up over the horrible expectations of his client he can't concentrate. 

He says he can't understand why on earth I'm upset with him. He says that he's just stressed and busy. 

I dunno but I am pretty ticked off. I DID handle it. But isn't this just rude behavior????!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i got one general rule for you...

your thoughts and feelings are legitimate. you are not wrong for the way you feel.

your husbands thoughts and feelings are legitimate. he is not wrong for the way he feels either.


it may be rude to you, but unless you know what his reasoning is, you cant know if he just didnt care or if he felt pressured, or if he was just so overwhelmed he could only focus on what was right in front of him.

talk to him. you really cant know what he was thinking and feeling unless you ask him. your not a mind reader.

ps: that also means that its ok for you to feel pissed. the question is, what do you want to do about it? punish him? understand him? find a way to avoid a repeat?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

By the stories you tell, your husband repeatedly shows you that you and you feelings or needs really aren't all that important to him, and yet each time he does so it continues to shock you.

I think given what you've explained that you need to realize that if you need to make plans you need to not require in any way that 
they hinge on him. He isn't going to be on time (he never is) he isn't going to prioritize your request or need above anyone else's (he never does.) There's no consequences for him making those choices besides you being angry, which again he doesn't seem to really care about or even understand.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I tend to agree with Starstarfish, though the reply was maybe a little harsh on your husband.

My dh works long hours and travels extensively. He is home about six to eight days a month.

And even when he is home, he is still working. There are always e-mails to answer, and sometimes phone calls.

You are working, and so you probably feel it should be more fifty fifty. But it sounds like your husband may have feast or famine work, and wants to make hay while the sun shines.

I agree with the advice to not depend on your dh. You will only feel frustrated.

I have told dh to do whatever he needs to do for his work. I want him to be relaxed when he is with us, and if something about work is on his mind, it will linger there and he will not be fully present. I would rather have him fully present less of the time, than present but with his mind on work.

I used to feel really frustrated about this, but maybe I have just given up, lol. If you want to feel angry, well, you have that right. But I am not sure it will change anything. Talking with him might, though. But considering the kind of work he does, he may never be as reliable as you want and be able to make a decent amount of money at what he is doing. 

At least he loves you. A lot of women would really love that. He sounds like he has a good heart. Try to negotiate on the rest. Nobody gets it all. 

Maybe try telling him how much you appreciate how hard he works, and that you want to be supportive. Tell him you have your own needs, too, and you are wondering how he thinks you can both get your needs met. This might all go better if you hold his hand while talking.

Best of luck.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

jld said:


> I tend to agree with Starstarfish, though the reply was maybe a little harsh on your husband.
> 
> My dh works long hours and travels extensively. He is home about six to eight days a month.
> 
> ...


You would really have to read OP's past post to get the whole picture. Starfish is pretty much spot on. Her H keep doing the same inconsiderate stuff over and over. Although she seem more frustrated than shock to me. So I assume she just venting right Mega? It seem like it would reallly help your frustration if you would stop depending on him to do what he say he will do. That sad but better than being frustrate all the time. You don't seem willing to do what it takes to turn things around with him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> You would really have to read OP's past post to get the whole picture. Starfish is pretty much spot on. Her H keep doing the same inconsiderate stuff over and over. Although she seem more frustrated than shock to me. So I assume she just venting right Mega? It seem like it would reallly help your frustration if you would stop depending on him to do what he say he will do. That sad but better than being frustrate all the time. You don't seem willing to do what it takes to turn things around with him.


Okay, thanks. I was not aware of past posts.

Good luck, mega1.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Last time you were very upset that he wasn't bringing in money and he is just wrapping up 45 days of work which must bring in money, right?

To me, you seem very harsh and critical toward your H, mega. No way he forgot to leave the keys on purpose! And he rescued you from the restaurant pretty quick once you reached him, you were not left hanging indefinitely.

In his shoes, I wonder if no matter what he does, he always feels like a failure in your eyes? Forgot to feed your son- OMG what a monster! /sarcasm. How old is your son? Your son needs to learn to speak up and ask when he is hungry and thirsty. Daddy was distracted.

I agree with the others who said you should not hinge your plans on your husband coming through for you. Your *expectations* set you up for frustration. I routinely drive my own car to events because I don't want to rely on my husband for a ride when I am ready to go.

Was 1 Cor 13 part of your wedding? I've bolded some parts for you to think about:
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,* it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.* 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 *It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.* 1 Cor 13
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## Bert (Dec 31, 2013)

mega1 said:


> I have posted here many times and have worked hard on going to therapy and trying to improve boundaries etc with my husband.
> 
> But sometimes you just need to vent. Case in point... Today.
> 
> ...


Hmmmm.... Ok other stuff aside, don't mean to sound rude but, if my wife asked me to come from work so she could pop out for lunch with someone else I would think she was being a bit cheeky and tell her to jog on. ...that's just me though.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

No no. My husband was supposed to be home from work by 11:30. Done. I only asked that he watch our son at 1. I did not ask him to come home so I could go to lunch with someone. Definitely not. 



Bert said:


> Hmmmm.... Ok other stuff aside, don't mean to sound rude but, if my wife asked me to come from work so she could pop out for lunch with someone else I would think she was being a bit cheeky and tell her to jog on. ...that's just me though.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mega1 said:


> I have posted here many times and have worked hard on going to therapy and trying to improve boundaries etc with my husband.
> 
> But sometimes you just need to vent. Case in point... Today.
> 
> ...


I can only speak for myself, but I get the feeling the two of you go out of your way to be insensitive to each other. 

You can vent all you want, but I really don't come here to provide a shoulder for anyone who just wants to say, "Poor me" and not DO something to change. 

You keep doing the same thing. What actual CHANGES have you made?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

mega1 said:


> I dunno but I am pretty ticked off. I DID handle it. But isn't this just rude behavior????!!


You keep coming on here seeking validation for what you feel. If you feel it, what difference does it make what a bunch of cyberspace strangers think?

The portrait you have painted of your marriage sounds pretty crappy to me. JMO. But you stay.

So stay. 

Kathy is spot on. You both perpetuate the nonsense. If he doesn't want to participate in MC, go for yourself.


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