# Husband oblivious to situation?!



## wifey82 (Aug 4, 2011)

Something fairly unusual happened today. My husband managed to have a conversation about us with me which did not fall into an argument or him walking off. What has shocked me is that he still appears to be utterly oblivious to the problems we are having. A year ago we last discussed our problems and I put the ball into his court and said I was going to back off the pressure completely and leave it to him now. So until this conversation today we have just been living our lives as normal with no mentions of our problems. 

Anyway while he seemed to be open to talking, I used the chance to tell him a few home truths which shocked him I think. I had told him that I had had a difficult year which he cannot have helped but to have noticed. I told him that I was finally coming to terms with some of the painful realities of our life together but that I was getting there and that I feel so much better and calmer now. I said that I was coming to terms with never having sex again and never being able to have kids. I told him I had been doing so major thinking over the last year and that my overwhelming conclusion had been to stick with him even with the problems we have. They pale into comparison with the thought of him not being there. (trust me this is all I have been battling with for the last year - it has not been decided lightly!)

I asked if he was of a similar mind as he was the person instigating the current restrictions on us and surprisingly he did not agree with my assessment of us at all. He asked why on earth we were never going to have sex again and why arn't we ever having children? - I remind him it has been over a year since I told him I wanted to have sex but I wanted to remove the pressure and leave it with him but nothing had been done by him. I pointed out that it had been over 2 years since we last had sex (once) and that it had been 7 years since we last had sex because it was fun and enjoyable (this part only lasted for a year!) and had only had sex once or twice a month during those 7 years and mostly only as a result of me getting upset and arguing with him during a frequent argument about sex. I said I don't think we even know how to have sex together anymore it has been so long! I said I feel so much more settled and confident in myself knowing that we are officially sexless and so no longer keeping the flame of 'maybe it will be tonight' alive whenever he hugs and kisses me. Plus with the children - they cannot be created without sex and that I would hate him forever if he only decided to 'use' me to get kid when he finally decides he is ready for children. I reminded him that the hospital had only given me until I was 30 to have kids and that that deadline was quickly approaching and that there was no way I would consider IVF. I said the ship for kids had sailed and we missed it and that was that. 

He claimed total ignorance of the conversation a year ago and my passing the issue to him (I knew he wasn't listening to me!) he claimed he was unaware of the 30 age limit (I have told him multiple times and he could have come to the hospital with me to speak to the specialists!) He maintains that he doesn't want to give up on sex in the long term and that we are too young for kids as early 30's is the right time. I said this is all very nice but what are you going to do about it? Is this just more talk or is something actually going to be done? He just shrugged and said he didn't know and he still could not tell me why we were sexless. I said exactly that is why I have made the decisions I have! I said I was not unreasonable - if he ever makes up his mind well he knows where to find me and that the body sleeping next to him each night can be more that just a cuddly hot water bottle!

Am I being unreasonable? I love the guy to bits but he is just so oblivious to the glaring problems we have - they just don't seem to matter to him! I have to deal with them to save myself from the depression it causes me trying to figure it all out. - even after todays chat where is he - upstairs in his office while I am downstairs on my own! Gah how can he claim obliviousness?!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Perhaps your husband is in some sort of denial. It sounds as if you have told him numerous times about having a child by the time you are 30, or it's a no-go. On the other hand, he may be someone who doesn't have the best listening skills in the world. When you laid it all out and asked him what he made of the situation, he just shrugged and returned to his man cave.

You say you have decided to stay regardless. It sounds like a very lonely, unfulfilling marriage for someone so young, and it sounds like it has been an ongoing problem for a long time.

When I shut down sexually it was because of my husband's ongoing alcoholism, which in itself was a major turn-off for me. You don't indicate that either of you have any issues with substance abuse, so could it be he's depressed, doesn't have a high libido (which I find somewhat difficult to believe in a man).

How about unresolved issues on his side? Does he resent you for some reason? Does he give you any clues as to what is bothering him, or does he just isolate and act like he's clueless all the time?

It's your call to stay or go, but I don't think I could do it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

There is one piece of this that I don't get. Why are you ok with him looking you in the eye and pretending he doesn't know what is happening? 

He should man up and be straight with you:
1. Darling I have always liked you as a companion and never really been attracted to you. Which is why you always had to get angry to get sex from me. 
2. Like everything else in our marriage I will decide when and if we have kids. Don't bring it up again. If I decide I want them, we will. If not, then not. Your preferences are not important.







wifey82 said:


> Something fairly unusual happened today. My husband managed to have a conversation about us with me which did not fall into an argument or him walking off. What has shocked me is that he still appears to be utterly oblivious to the problems we are having. A year ago we last discussed our problems and I put the ball into his court and said I was going to back off the pressure completely and leave it to him now. So until this conversation today we have just been living our lives as normal with no mentions of our problems.
> 
> Anyway while he seemed to be open to talking, I used the chance to tell him a few home truths which shocked him I think. I had told him that I had had a difficult year which he cannot have helped but to have noticed. I told him that I was finally coming to terms with some of the painful realities of our life together but that I was getting there and that I feel so much better and calmer now. I said that I was coming to terms with never having sex again and never being able to have kids. I told him I had been doing so major thinking over the last year and that my overwhelming conclusion had been to stick with him even with the problems we have. They pale into comparison with the thought of him not being there. (trust me this is all I have been battling with for the last year - it has not been decided lightly!)
> 
> ...


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