# 180?



## CWOG (Jun 11, 2012)

I don't want to ruin it everytime we communicate, which means I'm ok with not communicating at all if It's necessary towards getting the marriage back. I don't know completely how I should respond to him. Mostly when we communicate (since he's been gone) It's not quite about us. Three times he had to come and pick up a check that came from a previous job. One time he came so that I can help him fix his PS3. Once he came to spend time with his step daughter, other times it was for his belongings... I haven't been able to get the 180 off the ground yet. I don't know if I messed up telling him some time just after he left that God told me he plans for us to be together. I previously told him I would be waiting for him and that as long as we are still married that I wouldn't want anyone but him. :/ I don't talk that way now, but hope it hasn't delayed him returning. Should I stop ALL communication? If so, what do I do if he calls me and just have friendly conversation? We are still friends on Facebook and on Playstation. Should I keep that as it is? Thanks for helping me. Truly appreciate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CWOG (Jun 11, 2012)

Well, I think I've ruined it. I don't know. I texted him recently and got upset because he ignored my text and phone call (which I rarely did since he left). I then text back and told him I was tired of him ignoring me and would just move on with my life. He got upset and went to Facebook and made a post... saying "I guess it's just me?? Love you mama" I'm sure he was directing the post to me. But why on Facebook? I knew the post was relating to me, but I don't know why he did it. What purpose did it serve. The woman is friends with him on Facebook. She recently posted a message that showed up on his page--stating that she was at her bff house with her baby--tagging his name. It's like the woman is trying to make me jealous. If she truly has him, why try to post stuff to make me jealous? I don't get it. When I saw her post I deleted him from my Fb friends list. He tried to friend me back twice the same day. I ignored him, so he just click the subscribe button to subscribe to my public posts. I'm a bit confused on his behavior. I texted him later asking him about him sending the friend request, and then tells me he was trying to unfriend me... how odd being that he clicked the subscribe button to subscribe to my public posts after I didn't accept his friend request. He got mad when I told him we weren't even friends anymore on Facebook, he told me not to text him anymore. I'm totally off course on the 180. Now I'm trying the no contact again since he told me not to text him. Should I not post anything public where he can see it on Facebook? I hear that if the cheating spouse was unhappy before the EA that the 180 might not work. I don't know. Maybe I'm going about this all wrong.  Help!


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

CWOG said:


> Well, I think I've ruined it. I don't know. I texted him recently and got upset because he ignored my text and phone call (which I rarely did since he left). I then text back and told him I was tired of him ignoring me and would just move on with my life. He got upset and went to Facebook and made a post... saying "I guess it's just me?? Love you mama" I'm sure he was directing the post to me. But why on Facebook? I knew the post was relating to me, but I don't know why he did it. What purpose did it serve. The woman is friends with him on Facebook. She recently posted a message that showed up on his page--stating that she was at her bff house with her baby--tagging his name. It's like the woman is trying to make me jealous. If she truly has him, why try to post stuff to make me jealous? I don't get it. When I saw her post I deleted him from my Fb friends list. He tried to friend me back twice the same day. I ignored him, so he just click the subscribe button to subscribe to my public posts. I'm a bit confused on his behavior. I texted him later asking him about him sending the friend request, and then tells me he was trying to unfriend me... how odd being that he clicked the subscribe button to subscribe to my public posts after I didn't accept his friend request. He got mad when I told him we weren't even friends anymore on Facebook, he told me not to text him anymore. I'm totally off course on the 180. Now I'm trying the no contact again since he told me not to text him. Should I not post anything public where he can see it on Facebook? I hear that if the cheating spouse was unhappy before the EA that the 180 might not work. I don't know. Maybe I'm going about this all wrong.  Help!



Hi there

Sorry to hear your having a hard time. My perception of the 180 is that most people (including me) do it in the hope that it saves a marriage, but its ultimate purpose is to give you the chance to work through your own emotions and thought patterns regardless of what happens in the end. There are some amazing people on here who have so much more useful advice to give you, but there are a few things i would suggest.


Firstly, do not do anything on facebook! your marriage is prob far too important to you, to enter into the tit for tat game over facebook. Its not the right place to do it. This may not be the right advice, but i feel that if you ignore completely anything he does on there, eventually he cant fail but notice that you have not reacted, no matter how much it may have hurt, you will show maturity and retain your own self respect and dignity in the process. Let him continue with his games and leave him to play them, alone. I certainly wouldnt allow his bff, to think that she holds any importance whatsoever in your life. she is inconsequential, nothing, so ignoring her would be my choice. (Easier said than done though i know, we are only human arent we!)

Secondly, so many people said this to me in the earlier days, and i never thought a day would come that i would be able to do it. Some days i still cant, but others thankfully, i can. But simply, concentrate on you right now, look after your body and mind. It really will do you good. Pamper yourself if you can, take long walks, go the gym, have some girlie time etc. But Do not tell your husband abt anything your doing for yourself, let him notice subtle changes without you saying a word, if it is not being pushed in his face, he can never attribute it being for him, and he will again see that your are placing some importance on yourself. And it wont do him any harm to realise that you are not sat by the phone waiting for him to call etc. 

I think its human nature to micro analyse every move we make at the moment, as its all so important, and personally, i was so terrified of doing anything at all that could make things work. but it is exhausting pre thinking every scenario out before the words have even left your mouth, so stop. Try relax, Obviously be careful what you say, a little thought is required, but being yourself is far important i believe.

I hope that you have a better day today.

Best of luck
x


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## CWOG (Jun 11, 2012)

blossom29 said:


> Hi there
> 
> Sorry to hear your having a hard time. My perception of the 180 is that most people (including me) do it in the hope that it saves a marriage, but its ultimate purpose is to give you the chance to work through your own emotions and thought patterns regardless of what happens in the end. There are some amazing people on here who have so much more useful advice to give you, but there are a few things i would suggest.
> 
> ...



Thanks, sweetie. I promise you, I am trying really hard to ignore him. I even temporarily suspended my Facebook account before because I didn't want to see anything that might make me respond. I even went as far as to give my neighbor access to my account so that I didn't slip and go to his page. She changed my code for facebook... everything. I was doing good until I realized he is still friends on fb with my daughter and I have access to my daughter's fb acct. It's a shame I use her account to still be nosy on his page. I want this to stop. I don't want to be like this. Some days aren't so hard for me, but I do not go one day without thinking about him. Everyday is like a challenge for me. I get involved in things but those things last for only a moment and when that moment pass I'm back to thinking about him again. Some days I woke up from my sleep in tears. I'm better now than I was at the beginning. But I'm still trying to get pass this. I don't think on the EA much, but I think a lot about how he quickly left and how he isn't so eager to want to at least try to see if we will work out. So I shouldn't posts any facebook posts public? The bff is the woman's bff, not his bff. I do understand that the 180 is for helping myself even if he doesn't come back. I just want to put this hurt sadness and anger behind me already.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The 180will not do anything to help you get your spouse back.. in fact it's a dangerous thing to do if getting back together is your goal. It seldom leads to reconciliation. 

The purpose of the 180 is to protect youself emotionally. Over time with the 180 your love for your husband will die. The only hope for reconciliation is if he see the light before your love for him dies.


You probably should get the book "Surviving An Affiar" if your goal is to get your husband back. You would want to to Plan A for a while before doing Plan B (Plan B=180).

The book explains these plans and other things that can help you.


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## CWOG (Jun 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The 180will not do anything to help you get your spouse back.. in fact it's a dangerous thing to do if getting back together is your goal. It seldom leads to reconciliation.
> 
> The purpose of the 180 is to protect youself emotionally. Over time with the 180 your love for your husband will die. The only hope for reconciliation is if he see the light before your love for him dies.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. Sadly, I feel hopeless right now. I read your advice about Facebook, but noooo, I was stubborn and went back on from my daughter's page and read something the OW posted that showed up on my husband page yet again.  I wouldn't have taken it so hard had I had someone here to help me through it. Because of my christian beliefs, I won't allow myself to meet anyone new while I'm still married. I even thought about it but felt too sick in the stomach to think of me not with him any more. I had someone (my neighbor) to talk to that was sort of helping me heal from the pain until she went sour on me. She was accusing me of untruthful things and was acting as though she was jealous that I was talking about him. I don't know what happened but she got tired of me venting and crying about him I supposed. So I told her that I was going to just hang back on our friendship for a little while as I try to heal on my own with prayer. I guess she got upset with me for it because I found out yesterday that my car got keyed up across the hood and the side. I know it wasn't the woman my husband is with because he lives nearly 50 minutes away and the ow also lives in the same city where he is. This woman knows nothing about me other than what I post on Facebook-- and that's nothing about where I stay or even what my car looks like. Also, I have a few family members stay near me so my husband wouldn't have someone do something that dangerous risking going to jail and being caught by my nosy famly. And since my neighbor has been the one acting guilty about it, it must have been her.  It's sad really because I thought she was there for me. I don't talk to family because they just tell me not to put up with him leaving and just divorce him. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I'm so afraid of falling back into the depression. I know I should have stayed away from Facebook, but now that I saw the woman's post today about they are going to spend 4th of July together, it hurts so bad. My day is spoiled. I don't want to do anything but go to sleep for the rest of the day. I thought I was showing good progress trying to get over it, but her message put me back some steps. I can't afford IC right now. I don't know what to do. I do a lot of reading and research and prayer... I guess I'm pretty much stuck with just dealing with it until I'm completely healed of it. Sometimes I want to hate him for making me feel this way.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

i'm sorry that your day is this way, i got so sick of checking her facebook all day,checking to see if she changed her status. the day i felt better was when i deleted all family & mutual friends & blocked her ass, try it


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

or do what I do 

1. Don't have facebook
2. Delete your e-mail account
3. Throw away your cell phone


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## CWOG (Jun 11, 2012)

our vision shattered said:


> i'm sorry that your day is this way, i got so sick of checking her facebook all day,checking to see if she changed her status. the day i felt better was when i deleted all family & mutual friends & blocked her ass, try it


I told my sister about it and she sent him a text about him allowing the OW to post the stuff to his page. Well, I don't have to do anything about Facebook now. He blocked me and made friendship to daughter restricted to where she only see his public posts, so I just deleted him off her Facebook, too. I did see (before I deleted it), that he changed his status from "separated" to "In a relationship with"... and had her name. Another injury to my wounds.  But it is really forcing me to move forward whether I want to or not. I can't look like a fool with all this. My emotions right now wants me to run towards filing those divorce papers. I don't know what to do really. I know I won't date while I'm married and I don't know if I should wait for his return. This is a first for me, so I don't know. I hear people say all the time their spouse cheated, separated, etc... but when I talk to people about mine doing it, they want me to leave him. I feel like crying. I feel a horrible mess. I was ok with allowing him one more chance if he decides he wants to come home. Does this mean accepting that he is in love with another woman right now and waiting for him to leave her and come back to me?? I know it's really all on whether I want this or not. I guess I'm just trying to understand is it bad to want to give him another chance while right now doesn't even look like he wants one. Has anyone in here been through same thing... treated cold like this and he/she said he/she didn't think it would work out and left home to be with the emotional affair? No one in my family experienced exactly what I'm experiencing even though quite a few of them have either cheated or been cheated on. Only a small few reconciled though. I seriously need help on this one. God knows I do. What's even more complicated is that I had prayed before the marriage, got confirmation from God that we were meant to be, even asked for signs from God that I actually got. Not asking easy stuff that can likely happen anyway--the kind of sign that when it happens, you know it wasn't just coincidence. I've been going on faith. I went to God more than once for confirmation that the signs I was getting and what I was feeling was actually coming from God. I know some of you might not believe in God, or christian life---biblical stuff, but I do. Being that said---I feel that God has told me, more than once, that my husband will return. It's all this stuff that I see that makes it confusing and frustrating sometimes. I am not lying when I say this man is a totally different person since he left. I don't know this man, his behavior, how he's going about it... It's all a blur now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you need some closure here. Your husband is not going to give you that because he's ok with cheating.

My advice is that you see an attorney and file for divorce. Remember that you can draw a divorce out for a long time and if the two of you get back together the divorce can be stopped up to the day it's final. And you can even get remarried after that.

But at least you will have taken action. You will be surprised how much better you feel once you feel like he is not calling all the shots.

If your income is less than your husband's have your attorney file for spousal support while the divorce is in progress. If you ahve children there will be child support as well.

Do you have a job outside the home?


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## CWOG (Jun 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like you need some closure here. Your husband is not going to give you that because he's ok with cheating.
> 
> My advice is that you see an attorney and file for divorce. Remember that you can draw a divorce out for a long time and if the two of you get back together the divorce can be stopped up to the day it's final. And you can even get remarried after that.
> 
> ...


Yes, I have a new job but haven't started the orientation yet. I wanted work but I'm back at the job that was one of the major causes behind my depression. I couldn't find anywhere else soon enough. I can't take sitting in this house. I was eligible for rehire so I applied and they took me back. I also just found out from my sister she never sent the message to him. I thought he blocked me after she sent a text to him. He blocked me, I suppose, because my daughter said hi to him on that post where the girl mentioned them two spending today together.  He didn't block her, but he made it to where she would only see his public post. So I just removed him off her page too. As for the divorce. It's complicated. I suppose I should pray on it. Because for me to go and file, it's saying I don't have the faith to wait on God. I guess I will let time pass and see how it goes. I can only hold on for so long. If I can't wait any longer, I guess I will just let go and tell God I don't want him back. Now I'm even more sad that I will not be able to perform at the job that had me stressed and depressed with social anxiety last year.  I need a serious miracle.


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