# I exposed affair and husband now wants divorce!



## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

I found out about my husband's affair by breaking into his phone and reading his messages. I know I shouldn't have done that but I did it because I really love my husband and I had a terrible gut feeling something was going on. I feel terrible about invading his privacy.

He asked me for a divorce (I think? I am unsure of the timeline) before the affair really started but he really pushed for it once he started dating this girl. Once I found out, I called her. She had no idea he was married and she broke it off. She was devastated and she is a real sweetheart. I am grateful for that fact. 

I have exposed the affair to his mother, a few friends, my family, and to him. He immediately told me that now there is no hope for our marriage and he is 100% done. He told me calmly and said he has "made peace with" everything that has happened. The other woman told me that he told her that I had cheated on him (not true) and that he had no feelings for me and that what feelings he had for her were real and that whether or not things worked out between them he was still going to divorce me.

Yet the day I found out (Sunday) we had also had sex earlier in the afternoon. We have been eating dinner together, having sex, I've been dropping him off and picking him up from work, and we have been watching tv and hanging out together. He even slept in the same bed as me a handful of times. The other night I rested my head on his lap and he played with my hair and when the blanket fell off my leg while I was sleeping he pulled it back up and then brushed my hair off my face. That doesn't sound like he has no feelings for me but I could be terribly wrong.

So he is moving forward with the divorce. I am obviously very hurt and betrayed but I love my husband dearly and I think our marriage can be saved. I really, truly do. I think with work and repentance on his part we can do it, but he has no willingness to do that at all right now. 

The other thing is that he has a friend who is feeding him terrible, false information about me and about marriage. He encouraged this affair and is insisting that my husband needs to break it off because I am controlling and pushy and that he isn't happy with me and I know my husband has started to believe it. While this friend is in the picture feeding him these ideas that my husband now sees as facts, I don't see much hope. This friend is unhappy and alone.... they used to be roommates... and it's almost like a "mentorship". It's sickening and I feel like this friend is literally the devil incarnate, but worse... my husband listens to him.

Is there any hope for us? I sincerely hope so. I am praying my heart out for this situation... praying that I can forgive him and praying that he can see how wonderful our marriage is and was and that there is hope.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

I will mention that I personally feel that one of the things my husband believes about me is that I am controlling, intrusive, and forceful... so breaking into his phone just solidified the divorce in his mind and possibly justified his affair to him. I think that was one of the main reasons he wanted a divorce from me is because I threaten his independence in some way (which is an idea I got from talking with his friend when I went to his house and asked him to stop feeding my husband ideas to end his marriage). I am pretty hands on. I know this. I am willing to be more understanding of my husbands desire for independence in his life but he also keeps secrets like... well you know... affairs. 

So my breaking into his phone was just more ammunition for him to feel that this relationship wasn't for him because I am all of those things. 

The affair lasted maybe a month, if that's important information. And he first mentioned divorce in January.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK. First step, expose the toxic friend. How? By giving him his very own presence on CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

yayas said:


> I found out about my husband's affair by breaking into his phone and reading his messages. I know I shouldn't have done that but I did it because I really love my husband and I had a terrible gut feeling something was going on. *I feel terrible about invading his privacy.*
> 
> He asked me for a divorce (I think? I am unsure of the timeline) before the affair really started but he really pushed for it once he started dating this girl. Once I found out, I called her.* She had no idea he was married and she broke it off. She was devastated and she is a real sweetheart.* I am grateful for that fact.
> 
> ...


Bold 1: Don't.

Bold 2: If ever I had an ounce of knowledge on women, don't count on it. Women "smell" these kind of things.

The rest: I was gonna say "see his bluff and go all in", but others are right. That toxic friend of his needs to go first.


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## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. Now, DON'T apologize for going over his phone and messages please!! There should be NO secret passwords, messages, anything in a marriage. Obviously he was hiding something and he was embarrassed. Now he says HE wants a divorce? I can tell you he doesn't love the other woman, otherwise he wouldn't have lied to her the way he did. That's not love but a fantasy. And she would be stupid to still go out with him (oh but so many women are so very stupid). If he wants a divorce so badly, then divorce him because if he STILL doesn't apologize and acknowledges what he did was wrong, and blames you for invading his privacy...my gut is telling me he will continue cheating on you if you stay. The only way to find out if he is truly remorseful is to tell him calmly that ok, you realize he doesn't have feelings for you anymore and you know what? You don't have feelings for him either. Not this damaged, sociopath version of him anyway. If he is not ready to change, you will be miserable. Believe me. I KNOW. I'm one for giving second chances....just ONE. After that, is over and I'm gone. So far, my H has changed, apologized, done the whole thing, really changed, but he knows....this was his one and only chance to make things better, there are no more chances, and I think when they know is for real, then they do change. But as long as they think they can get away with it....they will still cheat. Is in their genes, I don't know but to me, men are very predictable, all seem to be cut from the same cloth....some are better than others, but there is no such thing as a great husband, to me, it just doesn't exist. I know that I'm not perfect, but at the very least, I do have integrity, and my word does count for something.

I'm so sorry again, try to get some counseling please, don't talk to people who are not professionals because you'll be even more confused and hurt. If you can, take time off, go somewhere with one good friend so you can cry it out....and come back stronger, for whatever you decide to do (stay or divorce), you'll need lots of support.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

I don't even know how to get rid of this toxic friend. His father is a pastor for crying out loud. 

My husband has so many good people that want to see our marriage succeed... He listens to them but since this person is validating this behavior he seems to only be listening to him!!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

yayas said:


> I don't even know how to get rid of this toxic friend. His father is a pastor for crying out loud.
> 
> My husband has so many good people that want to see our marriage succeed... He listens to them but since this person is validating this behavior he seems to only be listening to him!!!!


Expose him. Use Cheaterville then use the email the link feature at Cheaterville to spread his fame far and wide.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

yayas said:


> I think that was one of the main reasons he wanted a divorce from me is because I threaten his independence in some way (which is an idea I got from talking with his friend when I went to his house and asked him to stop feeding my husband ideas to end his marriage).


 If he wanted independence he should not have gotten married, as marriage is all about agreeing to unite as a couple as you go though life. Cheaters are cake eaters that want the advantages of marriage as well as the advantages of being single.



yayas said:


> I will mention that I personally feel that one of the things my husband believes about me is that I am controlling, intrusive, and forceful.


 In reading your post you clearly come across as anything but "controlling, intrusive, and forceful". In fact to be blunt, you come across as a doormat that accepts all blame. 



yayas said:


> so breaking into his phone just solidified the divorce in his mind and possibly justified his affair to him.


 In a healthy marraige, other than when you are in the bathroom, there is no expectation of privacy with your spouse. Thus you should not have been locked out of his phone in the first place. You were only locked out because he was cheating and wanted to keep you in the dark about his lying and cheating. You knew that something was wrong, and you were right. You cannot be blamed because he forced you to act in trying to save your marriage. You breaking into the phone to confirm what you knew in your gut was true, did not change the fact that his cheating was destroying your marriage. If your read other threads on any infidelity site, you will see that blame shifting their affair to their spouse is a common cheaters ploy. It is so common you would think that they were all reading from a script. The script tells the cheater that since their spouse is a good person, the spouse will be willing to accept blame as they try to work on saving the marriage. 

Cheater always try to hold their spouse to a standard of perfection that they do not hold themselves to, because as a human they know that you are not perfect and will fail this impossible standard. You will fail because as rule-maker, judge and jury, they want you to fail so that they can blame shift their affair as being your fault. Please do not buy into this bull.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

We are very sorry for your pain, yayas. As others have said, you did nothing wrong by investigating and exposing the affair. From your description there is nothing right now for you to build a reconciliation on--your H is just too far away from realizing the devastation of his behavior and from being accountable for it. MC might help, but until your H feels and shows remorse you should not pursue him with expressions of conciliation. Disengagement is your best strategy at this point--either he will snap into a realization of what he could lose or he will not, in which case you know where you stand and will have avoided a miserable false R.

This is especially puzzling:

_He told me calmly and said he has "made peace with" everything that has happened. _

What does that mean? He is willing to forgive himself (what a generous soul)? Or he is willing to forgive you for the crime of standing up for your rights as a spouse?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

You'll need to get more ice water in your veins if you want to salvage your marriage, like this guy for example.

"Well...................Bye." - YouTube


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

My stbxw was also one that likes privacy. I've learned alot here. Keep reading. All the things he said in regards to you being controlling is not true. It's straight out of the cheaters script. Don't believe a word of it. What your looking for is transparancy. There is lots of wisdom here regarding that. Your trust in him was was twisted in a way that makes you think your doing something wrong by inquiring about his contacts, when in fact you should you already know. You thought you did. I can almost bet for certain that you don't hide anything from him and if he inquired you would gladly tell him because you have nothing to hide.

Sorry your here. This link below will help too. 

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights | betrayed but recovering


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

I do suppose that disengaging is a good plan since he seems to not care... but I fear that will come across as me not caring about things and that I don't have feelings for him anymore. I do, very much, and I am working on forgiving him which is difficult. 

I just want to save this mess. UGH.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

But I do think that it is a "misery loves company" situation. Like this friend and my husband were roommates for 2 years and through that we saw him go through many failed relationships. Not just failed but CRAZY things happened... like girls would randomly show up at his door at odd hours of the night, one girl ended up being a prostitute, girl cheated on him, etc. I felt bad for the guy. He looks at women so poorly now. And part of it is not wanting to see my husband get burned and he "think" he sees all these signs in me and is like "trust me bro I've been here before y'all need a divorce she's got issues". 

As long as he's got that validation I don't anticipate any moves toward reconciliation. He sees this friend as a strong figure who knows exactly what he wants out of life. He has his own business, his own house, a large group of friends, and sleeps with beautiful women all the time. 

This is so hard.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

yayas said:


> But I do think that it is a "misery loves company" situation. Like this friend and my husband were roommates for 2 years and through that we saw him go through many failed relationships. Not just failed but CRAZY things happened... like girls would randomly show up at his door at odd hours of the night, one girl ended up being a prostitute, girl cheated on him, etc. I felt bad for the guy. He looks at women so poorly now. And part of it is not wanting to see my husband get burned and he "think" he sees all these signs in me and is like "trust me bro I've been here before y'all need a divorce she's got issues".
> 
> As long as he's got that validation I don't anticipate any moves toward reconciliation. He sees this friend as a strong figure who knows exactly what he wants out of life. He has his own business, his own house, a large group of friends, and sleeps with beautiful women all the time.
> 
> This is so hard.


Have you talked to his father about what he is doing to your marriage ?


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Have you talked to his father about what he is doing to your marriage ?


he doesn't have a father. his father abandoned him when he was 2 years old. just a mother and a brother.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

yayas said:


> I will mention that I personally feel that one of the things *my husband believes about me is that I am controlling, intrusive, and forceful... so breaking into his phone just solidified the divorce in his mind and possibly justified his affair to him. I think that was one of the main reasons he wanted a divorce from me is because I threaten his independence in some way (which is an idea I got from talking with his friend when I went to his house and asked him to stop feeding my husband ideas to end his marriage). I am pretty hands on. I know this. I am willing to be more understanding of my husbands desire for independence in his life but he also keeps secrets like... well you know... affairs.
> 
> So my breaking into his phone was just more ammunition for him to feel that this relationship wasn't for him because I am all of those things. *
> 
> The affair lasted maybe a month, if that's important information. And he first mentioned divorce in January.


Wow, look at that, he has you taking blame for HIS affair! He's good! 

Let him divorce you, you are better off without this manipulative cheater!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

yayas said:


> I do suppose that disengaging is a good plan since he seems to not care... but I fear that will come across as me not caring about things and that I don't have feelings for him anymore. I do, very much, and *I am working on forgiving him which is difficult. *
> 
> I just want to save this mess. UGH.


Dont waste your time, he isnt sorry or remorseful about it.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

See there are so many good things about my husband. I know this is messed up. I know I don't deserve this. Right now I am hurting but long term I do want to save my marriage. I am confident it can bounce back.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

yaya's, please stop trying to convince us and yourself that this man is worth any effort. He slept with another woman! He discarded you. He doesn't care about you. HE WANTS HER MORE THAN HE LOVES YOU.

Why on earth are you begging for scraps from this douchenozzle????

You are worthless to him, so start treating him likewise. Why would you ever want that skanks seconds?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

You need to 180 on this man as Plan 9 says, you need to get some ice water into those veins.

So long as you let him have power over you: blame yourself for his affair, beg him to stay, try to please him, sexually satisfy him, degrade yourself, analyze all of his actions to look for signs of love and approval et al. your marriage is doomed.

There is something in your husband that is not happy and that has nothing to do with you. So long as you continue doing what you are doing; your husband will continue to think of you as the bane of his existence, the reason for his miserable life and that you are disposable and he's better off without you.

Until your husband works out what it is inside himself that makes him unhappy; he will continue to see you that way. In order to know it's not you, you are going to have to change and the biggest part of change means letting him go.

I know it sounds scary and counter-intuitive but *if you want to save this marriage, you're going to have to be willing to lose it.* The thing about cheaters - hell, the thing about people is that we're stupid. We are always wanting that which we cannot have. Right now, you are a "given" to your husband - moreover, a "given" that he doesn't know if he wants. He takes you for granted and is treating you like garbage because he anticipates that you'll be there to take it.

You need to show him that you're not. You are not an option but a priority. That is why you need to let him go and 180. You need to let him go and detach. You need to start "doing you".

I don't mean this rudely at all but: *GET A LIFE!*

Go out with your friends.
Exercise and eat healthy.
Go on a vacation alone.
Go shopping for a new wardrobe.
Get a hobby.
Take a course.
Learn a skill you've always wanted.
Get your hair done in a new way.
Don't call him or text him throughout the day.
Don't start talks about "us".
Don't compliment him, don't flirt, don't engage in any conversation that doesn't involve bills, groceries, chores, the divorce.
Start going out every day or almost every day.
Keep your conversations short.
Don't talk to him about your life, don't tell him where you're going or when you'll be back. Just go out.
Dress to the nines when he's around and always be on your way out the door.
Don't beg, cry or plead with him or talk about the affair.
Always look happy. If you have to cry, do it in another room.
Look like you are loving and enjoying life and fake it until you make it.

None of the above suggestions are FOR HIM. They're for YOU. Basically show him that you DON'T need him, in fact you'll thrive without him and probably be better off without him in your life. More importantly, show yourself! Who were you before you met? Surely you were just fine without him all those years before you met and you will be if you divorce. Confidence is sexy. Policing, chasing, clinging on is not. 

The above are about things you can do right now to do a 180 on him, show him you are worth your weight in gold, show him that you'll be just fine if he leaves - in fact, encourage him to go. Wish him well, send him off and make him worry that you won't still be there when he gets back - almost all of them do try to come back.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

There are a few of us "suckers" on this forum that said the exact same things you are saying, feeling, thinking, acting, and resisting all in the name of, "We love our spouse and want to save our marriage," when our spouse is being so far from showing zero remorse, and ended up in horrible places, because we just didnt listen to the wise words of some very wise people on this forum .

It seems impossible to believe at this point in time for you, but there is so much truth to it when people tell you, "you can't nice a relationship back," or "if they want to go, let them." 

Tell him you will give him what he want, if he goes with it, what do you have to lose????? 

-sammy


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

yayas,

You're husband is manipulating you plain and simple. You've done nothing wrong.

Where's your anger? Find it now. It will have to come out eventually, but you need to use it to find the resolve to detach from him.

Implement the 180, separate him from your bedroom. File for divorce yourself. Whether you wind up completing the divorce will have everything to do with him turning around; showing you snot bubble blowing remorse, and accepting the consequences for what he's done.

That may never happen, but if it's going to, that's what will get his attention. You can't nice him back. It almost never works.

Sorry you're here. Keep posting.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

I will definitely start working on myself. I have been with my husband since I was 19 years old.... I don't even remember what it is like to be by myself!!! it's a scary thought almost. 

I am obviously scared that I will lose him forever, but I am hurt and betrayed and I can't stop with the mind movies. It's also hard because my birthday is in a week and I have a big dance performance coming up and it's my last one ever because I am retiring from this job after this year and he certainly will ignore both occasions. So difficult for me. 

I don't know how I will even do this!!!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My husband cheated on me for years, never showed me any affection, never bought me any gift for any occasion, never celebrated anything, never went on a vacation. This was a 20 year marriage and I received nothing from my husband. 

Because my husband brought home a paycheck and did not drink, my grandmother always told me my husband was a good man. WTF??

No, my husband was a horrible person. I mean even Charles Manson, I'm sure has some good qualities too but probably not good husband material. 

You are in a place of fear right now and hanging on to the life raft you are familiar with right now. (Your husband)

Don't get a head of yourself. Remember, this is a process and a slow one too. 

I am soooooo happy I am no longer with my husband. And my husband never had my back and is not a good man. 

We all have good qualities, even the worst of us but it should not mean we should settle for bad spouses who don't care about us. 

We must take care of ourselves.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

OP you sound like you do suffer from low self esteem. The fact that he cheated and you found out by getting on his phone, which he then blames you for , and you accept this is evidence of such. 

It's time to stand up and get angry if you have to. You were wronged here not him. I agree with the other posters that he is blame shifting. Stand up for yourself. You are worth more Than this.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

Yayas,

I think you know an that your husband has problems - and yes I mean mental problems. His thought process is not right.

Just because you can still see the person you thought he was and fell in love with, does not mean you are seeing the true person. These type of manipulative people are pros. His actions prove that he #1 does not love you and #2 is very over controlling of you. The way he reacted when you found out about his cheating is not normal - and you need to come to grips with that. You will not change this man and to me the faster you get away from him, the better. 

I know it is very painful and I do feel sorry for you. Please get into counseling as soon as you can - as I believe this man has an unhealthy grip over you and he is going to bring you down if you do not get help.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

yayas said:


> See there are so many good things about my husband. I know this is messed up. I know I don't deserve this. Right now I am hurting but long term I do want to save my marriage. I am confident it can bounce back.


I hope it does but in the meantime your best bet is to do the 180. Take our advice please, start the 180 today if you haven't already. Mistaken gave some very explicit advice, follow it the best you can. Keep posting.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

yayas said:


> See there are so many good things about my husband. I know this is messed up. I know I don't deserve this. Right now I am hurting but long term I do want to save my marriage. I am confident it can bounce back.


Your husband is a rotten person. He is a cheating adulterer and abusive.

He is not being manipulated by a toxic friend, your husband is making a choice, based upon his own free will. He may like the affirmation of this toxic friend, but he is doing this of his own accord.

You are not at fault.

Right now your marriage is over and you need to focus on that.

It will do you no good at this time to hope for things to turn around. You have to plan for the worse.

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Start the 180.
3. Lawyer up.
4. Stop lpleading, begging, saying I love you, I want the marriage to work, stop this.
5. Expose this affair.

I know it stinks, but get mad, and look at what he has done to you.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

yayas said:


> See there are so many good things about my husband. I know this is messed up. I know I don't deserve this. Right now I am hurting but long term I do want to save my marriage.* I am confident it can bounce back.*


Not if you're the only one working on it, yayas.

Your H's friend is an a$$hole.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> I hope it does but in the meantime your best bet is to do the 180. Take our advice please, start the 180 today if you haven't already. Mistaken gave some very explicit advice, follow it the best you can. Keep posting.


Yes, thank you Miss Taken. I like the advice because it will prepare me for the worst but there is also the greatest potential for reconciliation. He would seriously have so much work to do to prove he had changed but I literally cannot even focus on that. 

I don't know how anyone else has endured this before and I am amazed at how common all of this is... I have been reading the forums and it's like some of the stories could have been written by me verbatim. It's so sad to me how many end up in divorce. 

I know how terrible my husband has been acting but I truly believe that he is a great person who did a terrible thing. Regardless, I do need to "man up" and get a grip on my own life. I am not used to that... I am used to getting lost in others and not focusing on myself at all so this will be quite the challenge. I will keep posting. 

Thanks so much for the advice I have already received. I look forward to being a part of this forum!


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Does he respect his mother or his brother? Maybe one of them can talk some sense into your H.

It is so hard to think clearly when you are dealing with such pain. Take care of you.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Does he respect his mother or his brother? Maybe one of them can talk some sense into your H.
> 
> It is so hard to think clearly when you are dealing with such pain. Take care of you.


I have reached out to both of them but I haven't heard back yet. His brother also cheated on his baby mama while she was pregnant and his mother had an affair with a married man. So they have both been there.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Are you ABSOLUTELY sure you want to save this marriage? Just from what you've said, he doesn't sound like he's really into the idea of staying together with you. This sob friend of his seems to have poisoned his mind against you, and that may be impossible to change. I have a really bad feeling about your chances of salvaging this mess. Whatever happens, good luck to you, and I hope to have ultimate happiness.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

are you that afraid of going it on your own, that you would stay with a man who has 1. cheated on you, and 2. stated he wants to be rid of you via D.

Do you have any self respect for yourself WHATSOEVER


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

jnj express said:


> are you that afraid of going it on your own, that you would stay with a man who has 1. cheated on you, and 2. stated he wants to be rid of you via D.
> 
> Do you have any self respect for yourself WHATSOEVER


Well, of course I do.


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## NostalgicOne (Mar 24, 2014)

I totally feel for you. 

Been there and done that.
I felt I was always the cheerleader in our marriage looking back now. I always tried to bring us together whenever I noticed ANY distance. I fought hard to connect and thought I was for many years.
Oneday I looked around in the middle of the lake(proverbially) and wondered WHY we were going in circles,only to realize I was the only one rowing while my partner sat with his arms crossed refusing to row to get to shore. (thanks dr Lillian Glass)

Most of My exs damaging influences(not that I relieve him of guilt) came from guys he befriended in his workplace environment.
He was a Crew Chief for Pro Racing and this idiot J.T. in Cali (we lived east coast) used to smile in My face when I saw him and meanwhile J.T. allowed and encouraged my ex to use his mansion in L.A. and cars etc etc to set up a whole second life.Of course DH told Me how hard he was working to secure his Crew Chief position- he was working hard alright!

Also another crew guy, Jim, used to have sex on a regular basis with the P.R. gal and my ex would say how Jim LOVED his wife and kids and I should've known then Birds of a Feather flock together, EVEN if only the work environment. 

Your gut is NEVER wrong. Mine is what led me to push further for truth finally. He got a computer way before I ever had one and guarded it like a hawk telling Me, "You will mess it up and get a virus" if I tried to learn to use it. Now I know it was because he was hiding and guarding this secret 2nd Life. He slept with his cellphone too (he said because an urgent business call may come in) All Bull.

I did wait til I had proof finally though before I confronted him but when the TRUTH came in, it was like a rolling nightmare train wreck....I still can't comprehend it all even now.(Just wish I had PROOF sooner) But even when presented with documentation he would deny and deny and get angry like I had never seen and yell, "How dare you invade my privacy!!!". My nagging gut and his prior infidelity on a small scale made it so trust (which I previously IMPLICITLY gave him) was gone. 

I don't know your situation but Mine went to great lengths to fulfill his sexual deviance. All I would like to know(which probably doesn't even matter at this point) is whether ALL of the marriage was a lie or not. He felt he owed me no answers or closure after I confronted him with all the evidence, he felt I betrayed him. (WOW!)
I have to believe he never loved Me or Any woman before or after as he STILL is cheating on his new wife. 
It's a head trip I don't wish on anyone. Some people equate a divorce with a death, maybe. I think mine was worse as at least if a spouse dies the living spouse is comforted by the fact the ex will be waiting for them in some other realm and they were loved.
Not knowing if 16yrs of your blood,sweat,loyalty,laughs and tears was a Lie is beyond the worst IMO. 
I wish I had more answers for you on how to approach this but I can only offer My experience. 
If he won't do the work, it's over.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey yayas---if you have self respect, why haven't you jumped ship yet, cuz the ship you are on is sinking


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## NostalgicOne (Mar 24, 2014)

P.S.- I did the 180 - that didn't Phase him. I don't agree that works. All That did was allow My ex to further entrench himself in his other Life.
I tried it all too, I went out, went to school, got another job, made more friends, got new hobbies, traveled, showed him I was desired by others...sometimes when it's over...it's over.
Like I said, in my case this person was just a hollow individual and EXTREMELY self serving. No One else mattered but Tony. Still doesn't. 
If this sounds familiar to your situation I am sorry but you should make plans now for your future without this individual. I DO totally know the pain it causes and the fears and how it wears your self esteem out but please take care of you. Wishing you the best!


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

You got a free hall pass, run for your life!!

If you were controlling, you could have gone to mediation and counselling to address these issues.

If you were abusive he could have again suggested counselling to help solve the issues.

If he was not happy then you could have had an open discussion about what is going wrong and work out how to fix it, counselling or actually separating physically to better your relationship without the need to cheat.

He cheated because he was not happy and he had validation from friends and that validation meant more to him than the "don't do it" comments from others!!

If this girl honestly knew nothing then please be kind to her and leave her be, CV is for those who knowingly or actively seek out married APs, I say this as a guy who saw a young guys life ruined due to unknowingly being involved with a married woman, she wanted sex on the side he was a young guy wanting to get it wet, she was in the wrong, not him.

Get going on sorting out your own life and get your D through asap, *this is not worth saving and it will happen again!!!*

If you are wondering why I say the bold part, he will feel a certain resentment towards you if you force to R and then you will give him further grounds to commit adultery in his mind.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

yayas said:


> I have exposed the affair to his mother, a few friends, my family, and to him. He immediately told me that now there is no hope for our marriage and he is 100% done.


I know many people on TAM advise "expose, expose, expose!", but this is one of the reasons I don't think exposing an affair is always the right solution. 

To start with, your marriage is a private matter between the two of you (and for a time, the OW). You called the OW and she ended the affair. Since the affair was over, there was no reason to drag his mother or your own family into it. Once you ring that bell, it can't be unrung. 

More specifically, it can make reconciliation much harder, as the you just found out. Of course, most people in this forum seem to think you shouldn't reconcile with your husband anyway, but that is your decision, not ours. 

You can expose your husband's friend on Cheaterville if you want to, but I think that's useless and isn't going to get rid of the friend. 



> _Is there any hope for us? I sincerely hope so. I am praying my heart out for this situation... praying that I can forgive him and praying that he can see how wonderful our marriage is and was and that there is hope._


Exactly what are his good qualities and how good was the marriage before the affair? One reason why everyone in this forum is against reconciliation is that we are only hearing about him at his worst moment, not at his best. 

If you really want to work this out, you will probably need professional help, like a marriage counselor. BUT, that won't work unless he also wants to save the marriage! I hate to sound so pessimistic, but it is what it is. Both partners have to be willing to save it, or it won't be saved. 

I would recommend working on yourself and if he comes around and wants to reconcile, then you decide if that's what you still want to do. But in the meantime, I strongly believe you should move on and prepare yourself for a life without him.

If your husband does want to get back together, I also strongly recommend that you make a condition that he cuts off all ties to his toxic friend before you would agree to reconciliation.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

NostalgicOne said:


> P.S.- I did the 180 - that didn't Phase him. I don't agree that works. All That did was allow My ex to further entrench himself in his other Life.
> I tried it all too, I went out, went to school, got another job, made more friends, got new hobbies, traveled, showed him I was desired by others...sometimes when it's over...it's over.
> Like I said, in my case this person was just a hollow individual and EXTREMELY self serving. No One else mattered but Tony. Still doesn't.
> If this sounds familiar to your situation I am sorry but you should make plans now for your future without this individual. I DO totally know the pain it causes and the fears and how it wears your self esteem out but please take care of you. Wishing you the best!


The thing is, the 180 isn't a save-your-marriage ploy. It has nothing to do with getting your ex/wayward spouse back (although it often has that effect for many). 

The 180 is for YOU, so you can begin to heal yourself and improve your life for the better. If you do it solely with the intent of trying to get your spouse back, then of course it's going to fail. 

It's about reinventing who you are, remembering who you were before you met them, picking your confidence off of the floor. It has very little do do with THEM.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Exactly what are his good qualities and how good was the marriage before the affair? One reason why everyone in this forum is against reconciliation is that we are only hearing about him at his worst moment, not at his best.


Well, I suppose this is why this is so devastating. My husband is such a kind and gentle and mild man. He is so sweet and generous. Very funny, involved, hard-working, and wouldn't hurt a fly. He is the kind of guy that would run ahead of a big group of people to hold the door open for all of them and then finally hold the door open for me and kiss me on the cheek. I would drop him off at work and he would run back to the car if he forgot to kiss me goodbye. He was very giving and very thoughtful. We share the same sense of humor, the same thoughts about children, the same goals and the same values. I love who I am around him and I love being around him more than anyone else on this Earth. I have never met anyone like him before. He is truly amazing. This is such a shock to everyone who knows him that he would so suddenly desire a divorce (that's all they know of the situation) because he was so emotional and so in love on our wedding day that he was sobbing uncontrollably as I walked down the aisle. Whenever anyone would talk to him in conversation, he would always somehow steer the conversation to something about me. It would annoy people, but everyone knew he was just madly in love with me and thought it was sweet.

The things he would struggle with were opening up emotionally and being vulnerable. He would leave and avoid emotional conversations and ask that we not have them because he could handle his feelings himself and didn't need to talk about them. I would, of course, pursue him and tell him that it was important that we have those conversations and he felt that this was intrusive behavior. I will admit that my pursuing was unrelenting sometimes because I wouldn't give up until the situation was resolved... but the situation would usually take 10 minutes to get resolved once he would actually open up. Then I would try to make a big deal about how great it was that he was able to open up and he would admit it wasn't so bad, but I'm not sure if he meant it. He isn't comfortable with his emotions at all, but I wanted him to be. I know this was wrong of me and I encouraged him to get help. I know I was very pushy and that he feels like I didn't respect his space. This caused him to retreat further and me to pursue harder. This was, I think, the biggest problem in our marriage. I think being with this girl was easy and simple. He didn't have to be vulnerable and he got all the light parts of a relationship without all the heavy parts. I think he really resents me for pursuing him so much. He's very wrong for running away and not recognizing his part in this dynamic. Please don't get me wrong. I do recognize my husband's fault but I would rather admit my own fault before blaming my husband first. 

The problem, too, is that since he wasn't comfortable talking about anything with me he wouldn't bring this up with me as a problem for fear of making himself vulnerable and being shut down. His father abandoned them and he was abused by his mom's boyfriends emotionally and physically growing up. He was also told to "rub some dirt in it" whenever he was sad because he had to be the man of the house. Not healthy and he definitely needs some help in that department. He is a very weak person in this area and chose the worst possible avenue to "resolve" the way he feels. It's just heartbreaking.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

yayas said:


> Well, I suppose this is why this is so devastating. My husband is such a kind and gentle and mild man. He is so sweet and generous. Very funny, involved, hard-working, and wouldn't hurt a fly. He is the kind of guy that would run ahead of a big group of people to hold the door open for all of them and then finally hold the door open for me and kiss me on the cheek. .


plz tell me why you are trying to convince yourself your cheating, lying husband is such a great guy. he's clearly not.

wouldn't hurt a fly? sounds like he's hurting you plenty.

holds the door open for complete strangers? who cares? he's disgustingly disrespected the woman he's supposed to be loyal to.

truly amazing? plz raise your standards or this will happen again.

and on top of it all, he's divorcing you. 
has he told you why?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I have known folks like your husband. The bottom line is he is a very self centered selfish individual, who does not care about you.

So he never really engaged you in the marriage? Conflict advoidant to the ninfth degree. 

He seems to me to be a pyschological coward.

And would n't hurt a fly? But kill his wife emotionally. Makes sense to me how amazing this man is.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

Cheating is 100% wrong, no two ways about it. divorcing not so much.

He fell out of love and if you reread your posts its easy to see why. This does not justify cheating at all but it might help you in the long run.

On your wedding day you say, in front of everyone, he cried his eyes out in joy.... you say he brought you up in every conversation on every subject with everyone he talked to. This does not sound at all like someone who has trouble with his feelings.

You then go on to explain that you would hound and badger him relentlessly whenever YOU felt he wasn't dealing with his feelings.... Sounds more like he just wanted to avoid confrontation with you and you wouldn't let him. Then, after you backed him in a corner and forced a confrontation anyway because that is what YOU wanted without considering his feelings, you would then continue after the fact to rub it in his face that your way was the best. Kinda a big "Told you So!!!" (you did say you would make a big deal out of getting your way right?)

Very sorry you are here, very sorry he cheated on you.

I totally get why he wants a divorce and can tell you now he wants no part of any R.

Sorry again.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

You break into a spouses phone because they have given you reason not to trust them. So I wouldn't feel bad about that.

Sex doesn't mean someone loves you it just means they are horny.

Outside influences on someone can be difficult but he is the one that decided to cheat.


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## yayas (Nov 24, 2013)

So basically this is the bottom line if I am understanding correctly:

1- My husband has no redeeming qualities.
2- My marriage cannot bounce back from this.
3- I need to realize that I actually am the controlling person he said I was.
4- My marriage is irrevocably, undeniably over. 
5- I have no self respect.

Did I miss anything? I just need to start making a real plan here and all of this is hard to digest...


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You say that he would retreat and that made you pursue further....well, that is exactly how the 180 works. If you feel that something is slipping from your grasp, if you feel that you are losing something valuable, if you feel that the decisions you made are having REAL consequences, that is when you start really looking at it all properly, at valuing what you have treated badly, lost, thrown away. 

Don't be available to him. Make him realise there really are consequences to treating others badly. He will only be heartbroken and do everything to make amends if he feels he is going to lose you and must make effort to win you back (unless of course it is an exit affair, which it doesn't sound that way to me. Sounds like Thorburn summary of him. Your description also sounds like my man. All of it.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

yayas said:


> So basically this is the bottom line if I am understanding correctly:
> 
> 1- My husband has no redeeming qualities.
> 2- My marriage cannot bounce back from this.
> ...


No this is the internet and you will get different opinions. Take what you want and leave the rest. Feel free to fire off at them if need be. Don't take any $hit from anyone. Read more about the 180. Most who have posted don't believe you will R or reconcile with your husband. The thing I will tell you is that if you do a 180, it is for you. The 180 may not work in getting him to take a real look at what he is doing and he may just leave. You may change your mind later and not want him back. You will probably flip flop on this idea several times. 

I will tell you this, is that there is a possibility that you get back together with your husband but you need to do the 180 to make him see you don't need him. You can always call off a divorce at anytime. You have some solid advice on what to do next. I wish you luck. Protect yourself and your interests.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

yayas said:


> So basically this is the bottom line if I am understanding correctly:
> 
> 1- My husband has no redeeming qualities.
> 2- My marriage cannot bounce back from this.
> ...


No, that is not what is being said. Though someone saying you have no self respect was more to do with the fact that you are considering taking him back already, while he has cheated on you, left you, told you he wants a divorce, blamed you for looking at his phone, blamed your behaviour for wanting the divorce.... and it goes on. And you want to save this. These facts are not what a person does who does not tolerate cheating. Therefore, do you tolerate cheating? If you are trying to save things in the face of all this, you are showing him you do. That isn't self respect, no?

1. Your husband has redeeming qualities but they are all a facade. He dies not open up the 'real' him.
2. Your marriage will only bounce back if he realises he has lost the best thing that ever happened to him and then has to beg YOU for a second chance and will do anything to say sorry, show sorry, and win back your love (cue counselling to get to the root of why he won't be open with you... and in fact, will he ever be? If that is just how he is, can you ever trust again never knowing what he thinks or feels, and demanding from him just to sort out the most minor of issues?). 
3. No, someone just pointed out that if you were controlling then the solution is to sort it out. Discuss it, deal with it. But never to cheat. Cheating is 100% him and 0% you. If he had problems with you, why not come to you and sort them? I'll tell you why. Because they only became problems once he cheated. It is so much easier (if you are a manipulative lying cheater) to pluck anything to blame the partner on so he can excuse his cheating. Very poor and very damaging manipulative techniques. All a very clever diversion. From his bad behaviour, he then plucks yours from nothing and slaps you with it so it is your fault. Please don't buy into this. Very selfish. Like I said, he sounds very similar to my man. Read up on manipulation and diversion tactics. It will probably be very enlightening.
4. Your marriage right now is not worth fighting for. And in fact, fighting for this behaviour he is displaying only shows your weakness and his righteousness. He will not change if you fight for what he is giving you. He will only change or be worth the effort to reconcile with him if he realises his consequences. You will only have a marriage worth making effort for if he has hard consequences. And you have to deliver them. As difficult as it will be, you have to be strong, and hard as nails right now. Serious behaviour should reap serious consequences. And nothing less.
5. I have already answered number 5. 

Please, keep reading. And take on board the advice that is a consensus amongst those who have been there and done that.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Yayas*
> I am used to getting lost in others and not focusing on myself at all so this will be quite the challenge. I will keep posting



This is a very important issue IMO. You need t focus on yourself so that you get stronger and more self sufficient. *A cheating spouse almost never responds to a weak person that focuses on everyone else; they take advantage of them*

*Also, a cheating person needs consequences if they ever have a chance of being jolted out of the fog.* DO NOT be an enabler by trying to appease him and nice him out of his betrayal. Most cheaters are way into selfishness and do not care about their spouse’s love; if they did care about their love they would not be cheating.


*Cheater’s mostly respond to strength and consequences if they are gong to change. *


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

yayas said:


> So basically this is the bottom line if I am understanding correctly:
> 
> 1- My husband has no redeeming qualities.
> 2- My marriage cannot bounce back from this.
> ...


You have no idea what you are getting into if you think automatically that R(reconciliation) is the way forward in your current situation.

Your H must have redeeming qualities, what does the OW see in him?

No, marriages do not "bounce back", they are broken down even further by the truth of the deceit and then rebuilt.

Perhaps you are controlling and a complete pain in the hole, but that is a separate issue.

Yes your marriage is over, you need to mourn it's death and start a fresh, now that fresh start does not necessarily have to involve someone new, your WS can be party to it too, but, fresh start means exactly that for you both, walking back into it being just like it was is never good and does not last long, you both have to agree to change in order for a future to exist beyond infidelity.

No, you have no self esteem, you say you want him back, get angry and shred his clothes and dump them on the lawn, get the D filed yourself and get a newer, hotter model with a bigger c0ck and a six pack to pound you all night.

Get out there and find all the things you feel you are missing.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Toxic friends are pure evil. I hate them with a passion. Sorry you're going through this. But being strong willed isnt reason enough to cheat on your wife.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

yayas said:


> So basically this is the bottom line if I am understanding correctly:
> 
> 1- My husband has no redeeming qualities.
> 2- My marriage cannot bounce back from this.
> ...


1. i think you need to be honest about his qualities bc your description of him and the way he behaves don't gel.

2. not if he's sincere about D.

3. if you want to blame yourself, that's on you.

4. see #2

5. idk but i do believe a self-respecting person would demand respect from their spouse.

has he started the divorce?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

yayas

You need to get the focus off of your husband and onto yourself. Have you started IC (individual counseling)? I think it is worth going. You yourself, stated that you usually focus on other people but not yourself. I think it's worth exploring.

When doing the 180, it quite often involves doing the opposite of what you've been doing that is proving isn't working for you. Chasing your husband around, trying to get him to talk when he's told you he doesn't want to open up to you right now is one thing you need to stop doing.


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