# Do I tell him I won't marry him until it's solved?



## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

I'll start from the beginning...sorry for the long post, but I am at a loss and feel completely numb to emotions, everything...

Porn was never an issue in the beginning of our relationship, I knew he watched it sometimes, and I was completely fine with it. About a year ago, it became a problem for us, and for me. He would stay up every night until 4 AM to watch porn and get off, would never come to bed with me anymore, he would come ask if I was "available" and when he did that, I obviously felt like a piece of meat, so no, I wasn't available, and his back up plan was porn. 

It tore me down, it made my self-esteem go down, it made me feel just so ****ty it is indescribable. We didn't have sex for months, and before then, there wasn't any intimacy or love or affection...I was simply a sex toy. Not to mention, he would watch it on his phone on his breaks at work, on his lunch hour at work, sometimes when I was right there beside him...

Fast forward to about a month ago, we had a long talk...he finally admitted it was a problem for him, and that he was the type of guy who had to have it all the time, or none at all. He told me he cared how I felt, and he told me to delete everything off his phone, off his computer, and I did. He suggested that if he watches it again, we put a porn blocker up that only I know the password to...but I know that wouldn't work.

For one month, I know he didn't watch any porn. (This I know forsure) He finally masturbated by himself the other night and throughout the month, I began to trust him and I began initiating sex more, and we were having what I thought was great sex anywhere from 5-7 days a week. I'm pregnant and can't do a lot of crazy ****, but I did open up more after I started trusting him.

Last night I found out he watched porn the other night when he was in the bedroom on the phone when I was on the couch because I had the stomach flu and he didn't want to catch it. a month ago I asked him to tell me about it if he had a relapse so we could work on it right away and so I didn't feel like he was trying to hide it from me. The same day he watched porn at work on his break because he was "bored". I see a pattern here, and because of our issues in the past, and he knows this...when he watches porn, I don't want to touch him. I don't want to be sexual with him...nothing.

He made the decision after a month of not watching porn, to just go ahead and do it, with a snarky attitude when we talked afterwards...which slowly diminished. He knew how I felt about it, he knew my issues with it, he knows it's a problem for him...we both do. 

So, I am numb now...I don't know how to feel, what to do - but I am very close to telling him we aren't getting married until this issue is solved. I told him I would never leave him because of it, and would do everything to support him, and I have and always will...but that doesn't mean that I have to feel tied down in a mariiage when some of the things he says make me think he'd just go farther down the tube and end up thinking about cheating, or actually do it. 

I don't think I am wrong for feeling this way, I have always calmly talked to him about it, discussed how both he and I felt...but I feel like this issue isn't fixable with us. He doesn't want to go to counselling, he doesn't believe in councellors, and thinks they will all be against him...so...would it be wrong of me to say I won't marry him because of the way I am feeling? 

I don't want to give him an ultimatum, that isn't how I am intending this to go down, but I feel like with issue, it's going to be an ultimatum either way.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

It sounds like he definitely has a porn addiction. There are some here who have experience with this and will give you good advice.


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## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

Thanks for reading and replying - I don't want anyone to be mean, I am not a selfish woman by any means, and his feelings matter just as much as mine do to me...so I am hoping someone can give me some advice.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Dalicias said:


> Thanks for reading and replying - I don't want anyone to be mean, I am not a selfish woman by any means, and his feelings matter just as much as mine do to me...so I am hoping someone can give me some advice.


I think you are very smart to be concerned and deal with this before getting married. I know from reading other's posts that it can turn into a huge issue and destroy a relationship.


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## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

I know it's not right to check his phone history and internet history - but when it became a problem for us, I felt like it was my job to make sure it doesn't get as far as it once did again...I don't do it to be nosy, but more to make sure our relationship doesn't go down the ****ter - because I know he wouldn't bring it up until it gets as bad as it needs to for him to realize again that it's a problem. 

I want to not only look out for myself and our children, but I want to make sure he is stable and he was happier in that month he didn't watch it - he was more involved with me and our kids, and the planning of the new baby...it's gotten bad enough that I can instantly tell without checking up on him when he's watched porn, he feels guilty about it...and I told him that if he feels terrible after doing it, and feels guilty - then it's just not a good thing for our relationship.

Last night I threw my hands up and told him - look, you know my feelings on the subject, and he tried to ask me to have sex with him last night after I found out and he knows I didn't want to touch him. I just don't understand how insensitive he can be towards me. 

Why would I want to have sex with you after I just found out you relapsed with porn? I feel like he isn't allowed to be mad me, I have told him how I have felt, I have told him what my boundaries are, I have told him time and time again...that I don't feel sexually attracted to you when you watch porn anymore because of the problems it's caused.

As an example, when we moved to our new apartment in January, we hadn't had internet set up for a week. Once we did get the internet set up, I was up doing my homework for school, and he blatantly asked when I was going to bed in a tone that was just horrifying to me. "When will you shut yourself into the bedroom so I can watch porn and get off?" I always felt like when I went to bed, I couldn't get up to get a glass of water, I couldn't go pee, because he would get defensive or sometimes even frustrated that I interruped him. 

I walked out that night...I went for a walk...told him to do his business. Minus 30 degrees outside, I didn't give a ****. I just feel like he doesn't care about my feelings at all...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When his porn use affects your sex life, the time he has to spend with you and his getting a good night's sleep... yes he has a problem. You are right to be concerned about it.

With his new attitude.. the snarkyness, he is trying to now to intimidate you into just putting up with the porn.

IMHO, you should definately tell him that you will not marry him until it's solved. If it is not solved before marriage, it will get worse after marriage.

You will need to decide what "solved" means. Does it mean that he can never, ever access porn again? Does it mean that he can only use it when he does so with you? Or does it mean he gets one time a week/month/year to use it.

If he is not sincere about stopping it he will get more secretive about it and get better at hiding it.

One of the things that bothers me about internet porn is not only the porn itself but all of the interactive things on line that people get into. There are chat rooms where people go to have sex, there are video sites where people got to watch others have sex and sometimes join in with them. There are sites where people go to meet others who will meet them in real life for a one time (or sometimes an on going) sex encounter.

At 3am when you are asleep how and he’s on the internet, how are you going to know what he is doing? A keystrock and screen capture software is about the only way you will. And do you really want to spend time looking over his keystrokes and screen captures to see all that he’s doing?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dalicias said:


> I just feel like he doesn't care about my feelings at all...


As with any addiction... he does not care about your feelings. It's the fix from his drug that he cares about. That is what addictions are about. The fix he is getting are the brain chemicals that are produced by the porn and by getting off on it.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

you know what? Sometimes it's okay to watch porn, but when it starts interferring with your relationship, then it becomes a big problem. He has a major problem. He needs to get professional help unfortunately and just as unfortunate, you can't be the one to do it. He has to get this fix. I would tell him that you will support him in anyway possible, but he needs to seek help for this or the relationship can't go forward.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

First I will apologize if I come off rude. 

But why did you decide to get pregnant before all these issues are resolved and you are not even sure if you want to marry this guy?

All problems in marriage/relationship affect children. It's a big deal to bring a new life to the world and to try to give the kid the best possible. 

Hope you will work on the issues very hard.


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## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

I made a video with him that he didn't even watch ever that was on his phone, well when we had the talk last month, he told me to delete that too, because it would put him in a "porn watching mindest", so solved to me is no porn at all it seems.

Now, when we had the talk last night, again, he said something that bothered me dearly...he mentioned how he masturbated to me, and got off, but sometimes he wants variety I guess, I forget how he worded it, but it was very hurtful...it's like he flat out said he doesn't want just me. Some of the things he said last night makes me think he would seek out further "experiences". I asked him what it was going to be like when the baby comes and I CAN'T have sex for two months? 

His reply was simply, "I don't know."

It's scary when the person you love makes you feel like he needs more and more and more...and that you're not good enough anymore...he has told me because of the porn that now instead of looking at girls on the street as just the regular old manly thing to do, taht it got to the point where he thought sexual thoughts about them, and he didn't like that...

How do I react to these things he says and then trust him??


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## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

Well, I do want to marry him - I know that. I want to marry HIM - not the porn. The porn is an issue standing between us right now. As you can tell, I am working very hard on these issues, but really, there's so much I can do.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Dalicias ~

I agree with the others. Don't marry while there is such a large issue looming overhead. His porn use, or rather mis-use, is a symptom of something bigger underneath - an underlying selfishness or addictive type personality, an inability to focus on a larger picture and another's needs and desires (which is needed to make a successful marriage).

Does he acknowledge it as a problem in your relationship? And the "it" here is his general attitude toward you, which is manifesting itself with the porn use/hiding/lying?

Most of us have some amount of addictive tendencies - we tend to crave the thrill of the here and now over the benefit of something richer and deeper in the future. BUT, being able to defer those thrills is what sets us apart from anything else on this earth, and what also shows you whether he is truly ready for the commitment of marriage or not.

You can empower and respect yourself by sticking up for what you believe is right and for what you would want in a marriage. Do it NOW, as it does not get any easier after you get married and your lives become even more entangled.

There are places like the following that can help a person in your circumstances try and sort things out and get support:

Hope & Help for Family & Friends of Sexaholics 

Best wishes.


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## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

He knows how ****ty I feel today, and I am talking with him as I speak here, I told him I was thinking about writing him a letter, but I didn't know if it was worth the time or not...so we'll see if he really wants to be in a marriage with me, if not, I have no problem being his life partner as long as he's doing what he can to try and fix these issues he has...

I will do everything to support him and help him, because I am in love with this man - he is a great man. I have every bit of faith in him, but the trust is gone for me, and that's something I know he can rebuild if he wants to...I just have to see what he truly wants for our relationship.


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## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

This is what he replied to that with...

Well I think I can guess the content anyway. You want to make clear in writing how you feel about porn and me watching it. How maybe you feel worthless and unloved by me watching it and how you feel that I will do what I want regardless of how you feel. Im willing to admit that watching it again was a lapse of my better judgement. The pain it has caused you is not worth any satisfaction or whatever that I could get from it. I love you Alicia, and Im truly sorry. I know you wont take these words seriously but I'll say them anyway. I feel that the trade off between watching porn and losing my best friend/wife/all else is not worth it. Maybe I needed to see what pain my watching it actually does cause but I feel stupid for falling. I hope you can forgive me, and help me to recover your trust. I love you.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Wait before marrying him. I wish I'd waited. My H has porn related issues that have basically ruined our entire sex life. We are close to sexless at this time, after only 6 months of marriage. He doesn't seem willing to work on things, claiming to be too embarassed over it all. I'm quickly losing patience, I am still young, and have a long and healthy sex life (potentially) ahead of me. The next step for me is leaving. I've had it up to my eyeballs with it all.


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## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

CandieGirl - I am so sorry you are going through that. I know how hard it is. I told him I can't marry him. That I will stick by his side and be his life partner and help him in anyway I can, but it's up to him to want to fix this. 

He knew how I felt and decided to hurt me anyways so he could get of to a pair of fake tits and whatever - so I told him I don't trust him. He doesn't care about my feelings right now, and I have told him I don't want him to just say things to make me happy. Piss me off, I don't care, but be honest with me. If I am not good enough for you, tell me. 

I don't need nor want a divorce in my future. We shall stay common law until every fear of mine is justifiably gone. When I can trust him, he'll know it. We have a lot to work on and I told him not to take my feelings as a personal attack on him. We'll work through it day by day together...


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## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

Well, you don't really know him. He wants to marry me and the sooner the better to him. I don't believe I am making a mistake by saying I will stick with him, because I will. I love him with all my heart, and despite this problem, he's a great man, and I am not going to give up on him just because he has a problem with porn. We'll work on it until it's fixed. If that takes until I die, then so be it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I agree with jennifer1986. It sounds like the guy has a problem. But, you've responded by saying that, if he keeps watching porn, you'll live with him and raise his kids. But, if he stops watching porn, you'll live with him and raise his kids, but you'll also sign a piece of paper and take his last name. That's not a wide range of outcomes.

I guess if you taking his last name is really that big a deal to him, he'll kick his addiction. Otherwise, I would expect that he would stick with plan A and let you live with him, raise his kids, and he gets to have his fun.


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## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

Thank you Dean...I understand how some might think I need to push the extreme right now, but I feel as though he hasn't warranted that yet, and will just make him feel like what's the point? I want to push him, and will, but I want to help him, not hinder his success or progress, etc. 

When I said yes when he proposed, it was just as big of a deal and commitment to me than signing papers and taking his last name. I, in that moment made a promise to him, and to myself. I'm going to keep that promise. He knows what he risks losing if he decides not to help himself. A loveless marriage and seperate bedrooms, a life he would feel miserable in, and I know this 100%, so if it came to that, that would be his rock bottom.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Agree with others. Don't marry this guy.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Dalicias said:


> When I said yes when he proposed, it was just as big of a deal and commitment to me than signing papers and taking his last name. I, in that moment made a promise to him, and to myself. I'm going to keep that promise. He knows what he risks losing if he decides not to help himself. A loveless marriage and seperate bedrooms, a life he would feel miserable in, and I know this 100%, so if it came to that, that would be his rock bottom.


What some of us are suggesting, is that you have a skewed sense of commitment. You're OK with having children with the guy, but you haven't been quite ready to wear a ring on your left hand or change your name?

As I said before, because of your children, your range of possible outcomes is pretty narrow. Regardless of what he does, you'll live with him. Regardless of what he does, you'll raise his kids. You're just negotiating the frequency of sex. If he's able to meet his sexual needs with porn, then you don't have much to bargain with.

Still, I hope it works out for you. A mother and father, married and living together, is the optimum child-rearing environment. 

Good luck.


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## Dalicias (Nov 27, 2011)

The one child we have now is not biologically his. We didn't exactly plan the second one. So, no I never made any decisions to have kids...but I have to take what comes. I told him before that I have no problem up and taking the kids and moving in with my mom if it ever became a problem again that he wasn't WILLING to fix. So, he knows that if it came down to it, he would lose his family.

I have been wearing a ring on my left hand for the past year-ish. However, to be in a legal commitment with a man who you can't trust is just not the sensible thing to do. This protects me and my kids if ever things go so far south that I just can't help him anymore. 

As for right now, it is painful, heartbreaking and frustrating, but we haven't been to counselling, haven't really given more than a month to try to seriously fix the problem, so I am just saying that extreme measures come after everything else hasn't worked, and we're just not at that stage yet.


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