# New Here...Looking for support!!



## HappilyNeverAfter (May 31, 2011)

Thank God I have found a support forum!! I am dying in my situation and desperately need to talk to people who know what I'm going through. BG story:

H has had several A's in the 8 years we have been married (4 to be exact). The first time I chalked it up to being caught in a week moment. I quickly forgave him and took him back telling myself he realized he made a mistake and he would never do it again. 

The second time was during a deployment. I had strong suspicions about it but he didn't admit it until I found out about a third affair (third one was EA, but the other three were physical) TWO YEARS LATER! (So 2nd and 3rd affairs I found out about at the same time).

It took a looooong time to get over that one. But eventually we did, and I thought we were becoming a solid loving couple again. He was the perfect husband for a while UNTIL......

Training in VEGAS happened for 8 weeks!!! Nearly a week after he got there, he met some girl in a bar, and things quickly got serious! This was on a whole new bookshelf of the library of our drama!! Things got physical after a couple of days, the details of the relationship and the lengths he went to to lie to me about the relationship are just mind blowing!!! He definately fell into a major Fog! All the while I was at home thinking everything was fine, while he was in vegas telling this girl he was going to leave me for her, and that he loved her, and planning for her to come to our home to visit!! SERIOUSLY! It was way out of control! When I found out about it I moved out and moved two hours away, but came back after two weeks because he cried and begged me to come back, and like the sucker I am I did it. Well it only took two days after he got back from vegas and I found pictures of her on his laptop. I ofcourse was enraged and destroyed the laptop because he was still lying even after all his tears and begging and pleading. I packed up again and moved back out. And this time I stayed. He kept telling me he didn't know if he loved me, but he didn't know if he loved her either. He completely forgot about everything good in our relationship. I am not a controlling, nagging wife, so he completely made me look like a psycho to this 21 year old****tail waitress in Vegas! UGH!! So I move out and he was still texting her as much as he always did, even when he would drive down to visit me and our two kids. My five year old even over heard her name and picked up very quickly that there was another woman connected to his dad (that was something we really tried to shield, so it was a blow that our kid knew there was a girlfriend). To go into details would just take way too long, and by anyone elses standard I should leave him and not look back, but I am a woman that believe in God and his miracles. Hogwash to some, but I firmly believe in having faith in this matter and that divorce is not a choice God would want m to choose, no matter how bad the details are. Still though, faith and forgiveness doesn't take away the pain. He says he has no more contact with her. I know that she has gotten back with her ex-boyfriend, and I think it's kind of an ego bust to my H. He has said for weeks that he wants us to work things out, I feel like a back up though. And he has been trying to put effort into things. Not as much as I'd like him to but he has let his heart get hard and he is very ashamed! He has been in this funky mood for the past two days and after much coaxing about what was bugging him, he showed me some scars on his back and his arms from when they were physical, and he said "This is the reminder I have for the rest of my life for what Ive done and I hate myself". Well I have to think about it constantly too! I can't get mental images out of my mind, and it's destroying me. I moved back in our home this week, to see if we can reconcile. I'm praying for Gods intervention to change his heart. Time for me though is at a stand still. I still feel lost. I have a job interview this friday and Im going back to nursing school in the fall. Im trying to make some positive changes for myself, because I can't change him. I guess I' just looking for support to beable to think more positively about things while they are in such a bad state. Thanks for letting me write this novel.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

God said you can divorce for infidelity. I would think god would look at you and say "nice, but I gave you that out for a reason." He is a serial cheater and they don't suddenly cure.

Has he ever gone into therapy to find out why his **** keeps landing inside of other women? 

Changing you is great. But if he won't pull his weight, all the boo hooing in the world won't change the extremely high likelihood that he will do it again and again. Esp because you allowvit.

Have an std test now and regularly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappilyNeverAfter (May 31, 2011)

Well that wasn't quite what I meant by support. Maybe I picked the wrong forum.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

What do you want to hear?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappilyNeverAfter (May 31, 2011)

Well first, your unsolicited advice about getting tested for stds were unneccesary and frankly none of your business. And educating me on what God says about divorce,is what you may believe but is not what was written in the bible. Infidelity is a reason to get divorced but God would rather there be reconcilitation. I encourage you to brush up on your scripture before informing people what God says about divorce. Thirdly yournot to mention you tasteless comment about getting therapy to see why he can't keep his **** out of other women. There was nothing supportive about your post so why would you even bother postig other than tiger a reaction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Ok, don't get an std check. Your life, literally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"H has had several A's in the 8 years we have been married (4 to be exact)."- This is what I will never understand. 

Exactly ClipClop, "What do you want to hear?" Did you come here for people to tell you to forgive him AGAIN for multiple affairs? Let me tell you something someone told me once- "A REAL friend tells you like it is." Get it- GOOD!

This is a start though-"Im going back to nursing school in the fall. Im trying to make some positive changes for myself, because I can't change him." My best bet is to leave this DOUCHE-BAG! Now, you don't like it, go to some other forum where they coddle you, and make you into an enabler. There I said it!


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

> Well first, your unsolicited advice about getting tested for stds were unneccesary and frankly none of your business.


o.0 Well I thought this was rather good advice, it's one of the first things I did as soon as I found out about my husband's affair. Sometimes people are so upset after finding out they don't even think of the possibility they might have contracted an std from their wayward spouse.



> And educating me on what God says about divorce,is what you may believe but is not what was written in the bible.


I didn't think ClipClop was trying to 'educate' you, rather trying to be helpful and give an alternative point of view. And seeing that the best predictor of future behaviour is what you've done in the past, I agree that your husband is very likely to cheat again. And he keeps cheating on you because you keep taking him back, he has no had no real consequences for his actions.

I'm unsure about what kind of support you want? Do you want people to say it's ok to stay with him, when it clearly isn't? He is putting your life at risk by continuing to be involved with other women, risking both your physical health and your mental health. Are you able to live the life you know you should be living, while you stay with him?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HappilyNeverAfter said:


> H has had several A's in the 8 years we have been married (4 to be exact).


I did not have to read any further.

He's a serial cheater. Either you tolerate living in a marriage with him is always going to be this way or you move on. 

If you stay, expect more of the same.

Yes, get tested for STDs and then go back in 6 months to 
re-test.

You know of 4 women he's slept with. There are probably many more.


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

My husband has never admitted to cheating on me except for wanting a divorce ASAP through a text message which made me think he was cheating... So what did i do?? I went and got tested for STD's and guess what?? I tested positive for one!! Luckily for me it was a treatable one! Do yourself a favor and get tested since he has admitted to you that he has cheated on you...

We are only trying to help you not trying to degrade you by any means.. This forum has helped me out so much in the past month.


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

Oh forgot to mention...

You mentioned deployments and training.. Your husband must be in the military... Mine is to, therefore I know what your going through!


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

If you know of 4, there are more that you are clueless about, get tested for STDs.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

When people post replies to your post you have to remember that everyone here knows that you are in pain and have been in the same place you are now.. They know that you are looking for some help and then offer the advice based on experience.

I will tell you up front that I do not believe in God. This does not mean that I am an ethics free zone..

Your husband has behaved in an appalling way to someone he supposedly loves. 

If someone loves you do they inflict pain on the person they love, not once but multiple times?

Why do you keep forgiving him? 

You deserve more than this. He says that he feels terrible and it "Just happened" The fact is that it didn't "just happen" he allowed it to happen. he CHOSE to do this to you. Several times and then [and this may be out of line] used your convictions and faith against you.

If I was you I would divorce him. He does not respect you, your children or your faith.

Please don't see the advice here as an attack. 
People are trying to protect YOU. Putting YOU first.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Everyone here is giving you great advice. I came here about 2 months ago needing support and these guys have all been wonderful in helping me to "see" things I couldnt see before. I am also a believer. God says He hates divorce but if your spouse is guilty of adultery, then you are not bound to stay. You may divorce. I also believe in reconciliation. I did that. My husband cheated on me and left me in 2003 for ow. I stood for my marriage. (I wish I would have known about this site in 2003) For 2 years, I hoped and prayed God would bring my husband home, and in 2005, my H did come home. But guess what? God gives us all free will and my H only continued to cheat on me. Since our reconciliation, he has been with 2 women that I know of, that I know of! There could be more. I know God would not want me to stay in a marriage where I am abused and not treated right. Same for you. We all know what you are going through, please do not take offense to any advice. These are good people here and ClipClop has given me some great advice on my own situation. I've been where you are, where I wanted everyone to tell me that being with my H was the right thing in spite of his infedility. Guess what? It wasnt right for me. I have since filed for divorce and I have not regretted doing so. I wish you luck and I hope all works out for you for the best.


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## HappilyNeverAfter (May 31, 2011)

Yeah I wasn't asking fir advice. I came here for support. I've gotten enough advice. Clearly this is the wrong place for me so if a moderator comes across this please delete this thread because its obviously helping no one and I will go about my way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

What do you mean by support? Nobody wants you to hurt more. The path you are choosing guarantees hurt. How can anyone knowingly support someone who is hell bent on causing themselves greater harm? 

Let's say your GF's h beats her. Every other year she ends up in the hospital with broken bones and bruises. She hopes and prays he will stop. But in 8 years, he has done this 4x and we are not even counting the occasional black eye.

How would you support her? Would you fail to tell her that one day she will end up dead if she doesn't leave him? Is that caring? Is that love?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OP, what kind of support do you want?

Perhaps you wanted everyone to tell you to keep holding on, he will change and give up the myriad of women he's cheated on you with?

If so, good luck to you.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I came to this forum to make sense of my head after my wife told me of her fling. I wanted to hear TRUTHS, both ugly and comforting. I needed to hear from people who have and still are standing in a similar pair of boots and this site has helped me greatly in sticking at the relationship, understanding what is rolling around in my brain and what was rolling around in my wifes brain before, during and after the 'incident'. 

What I find strange is the number of people who come on here merely to validate their own assumptions, throw genuine help and advice back in the faces of those who know through experience, then sulk away and seek their subjective answers elsewhere.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

HappilyNeverAfter said:


> Yeah I wasn't asking fir advice. I came here for support. I've gotten enough advice. Clearly this is the wrong place for me so if a moderator comes across this please delete this thread because its obviously helping no one and I will go about my way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



*sigh* 

You don't tell someone with a terminal illness, "You'll be okay. Everything will be fine." Support is being there for someone in their time of need. Making sure they're comfortable and looking out for their best interests. You don't lie to their face. You help them cope with their reality. 

People are trying to be supportive by telling you what they've learned from their own experiences with infidelity. From what you've described, people on this forum are alarmed and concerend. They don't want you to keep living this nightmare over and over again. We know how it hurts. We've experienced the unbearable pain ourselves. To see someone set themselves up to be hurt again is painful to watch.

I first discovered my H's infidelity a few months ago. The amount of pain and hurt I've experienced in such a short time is staggering. I'm willing to move forward and build a better marriage. However, if he ever puts me through all this pain again, after all the MC, self realization, and attempts at personal growth... if he breaks his vow to be a better man and husband, I'll be done. The first discovery of betrayal stole my innocence, the second would steal my love. 

Good luck to you and I hope you find the support you're looking for to move forward with your life in a positive way. The nursing school sounds like a great idea.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Saffron said:


> *sigh*
> 
> The first discovery of betrayal stole my innocence, the second would steal my love.


:iagree::iagree: I am so stealing that! :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> What I find strange is the number of people who come on here merely to validate their own assumptions, throw genuine help and advice back in the faces of those who know through experience, then sulk away and seek their subjective answers elsewhere.


I don't find it so strange since it's so common but I do find it frustrating. People want to hear what they want to hear. Some posters just come on and then lash out at the responses or justify their positions and don't listen to anything anyone is saying. To those, I say "Good luck."


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Slightly off topic JB, but reading your posts (looking from the DS POV) have been very helpful to me. This site alone has given me reassurances and helped me to deal with the hardest time of my life so far. All help appreciated


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Numb, I am glad to hear I can be of help and offer insight


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't find it so strange since it's so common but I do find it frustrating. People want to hear what they want to hear. Some posters just come on and then lash out at the responses or justify their positions and don't listen to anything anyone is saying. To those, I say "Good luck."


:iagree:

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. What's also common is when people come back months or years later saying people were right and they should have listened. Or they come back under another screen name.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I wonder if any of the other women this husband had the affair with were married, had children, had faith in their marriages. I wonder if the affairs were found out by them, how they would have felt, and their respective children and families lives were torn apart. Imagine the most precious times those families had, and think about how it will be from this moment on for them all. Shine a light on who you married for once.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. What's also common is when people come back months or years later saying people were right and they should have listened. *Or they come back under another screen name*.


Yep! I think there's a recent one of those. LOL. 



Shooboomafoo said:


> I wonder if any of the other women this husband had the affair with were married, had children, had faith in their marriages. I wonder if the affairs were found out by them, how they would have felt, and their respective children and families lives were torn apart. Imagine the most precious times those families had, and think about how it will be from this moment on for them all. Shine a light on who you married for once.


I don't think the OW cares. Truly. I don't. They do not care about the married person's marriage, because if they did, they wouldn't get involved with a married person. And I do not think anyone can really and truly understand how it feels to be cheated on by a spouse until it happens to them.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And I do not think anyone can really and truly understand how it feels to be cheated on by a spouse until it happens to them.


I so agree. I've always been strong mentally, yet this has given me such a kicking. I'm black and blue on the inside.
I feel that the only thing worse would be the loss of one of my children, and I hope I never, ever have to experience that.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

HNA, try hang in there. You have only two questions to answer, do you stay or do you leave, and only you can make that soul-searching decision. Every one of us here are looking for help and support. Please stay, maybe just reading about others will help .


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