# What do you talk about?



## Rebh (Apr 30, 2020)

Been with husband for 16 years and has always wanted to know the amount of people I've slept with.... I've said as low as 3 but as high as 25... but don't want to tell him... I don't think it should matter about your past or what you did but my husband thinks we should know all of the others mistake...wwyd?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Entirely up to you and your spouse. For my wife and I, we know each others numbers and "who" they were. MANY folks do NOT do this (there are MANY threads here on just this subject).

Maybe he has some retro-active jealousy here? Maybe he just wants to make sure none of your ex sex partners are part of the current group of people you deal with? Maybe he is fishing for a complement "Well, you are SO MUCH better than George ever was" type of thing (so maybe some insecurity). Hard to tell.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

People say this is about honesty, but in my opinion, it's not. It's more like dark, morbid curiosity.

I don't believe anything good comes from sharing this information, and it's much more likely to be used against you at some point.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

That discussion should have been at the beginning of your relationship not 16 years later....just tell him some things you are going to take to your grave....or tell him you will write him a letter and upon your death he can know the truth if he wants and you will not be around to hear him say anything.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rebh said:


> Been with husband for 16 years and has always wanted to know the amount of people I've slept with.... I've said as low as 3 but as high as 25... but don't want to tell him... I don't think it should matter about your past or what you did but my husband thinks we should know all of the others mistake...wwyd?



@Rebh based on your other thread, your husband wants to find out about your previous sexual history to throw it back in your face. He gets a sexual charge from it. It has nothing to do with "finding out about each other's mistakes"



Rebh said:


> He always want to talk about his fantasies wanting other women or people watching making a video talking about me and men I've been with in the past... he always want me to talk about other people's d*_is and I don't love doing this but do sometimes so when we were fighting he kept saying I know you've seen bigger... my husband is hung well so he has should have pen*_ envy issues. So I then told him I saw bigger. It was a big fight!! Then we made up... We have had at least 4 threesomes with only women throughout the years... now we have 2 kids under 7 and we still dwell over all the sex he wants and need this will go on all day sometimes.... for some reason now 16 years later he is having a problem with me saying I saw bigger and is agree towards me about it I told him I made it up as I did but no now he says I don't trust you I never have you lie a lot he wants to know my whole sexual past... so now he dosnt drink and beace of this he fells like i should give him much more praise for fallowing throw "sex" but he like to have makeup sex these dsys so he makes us both angree and then a night when kids are sleeping this is his way of fixing things....


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

My wife had a huge number and made sure to disclose that prior to marriage to make sure I was OK with that. (I was and thought/think it’s actually a pro.)

From your other thread on size, given my wife’s large sample I know statistically I’m not her largest nor her smallest. She says a **** is ****, I believe her.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Rebh,

I voted in your poll that I talk about other partners and told the truth, but I want you to understand something. I have been open with the number, spoken generally about "who" and why we slept together, and was truthful about the mistakes I made and what I learned from the mistake. What I DID NOT do was give specific names for every single past partner, give explicit detail about every single past partner and every single sexual act with that partner, or compare any past partner or sexual act to current sexuality in any way. 

I think the concept of being open with a partner, so they know you and know what they're getting into, is a good concept. Honesty and transparence are good concepts. And I don't have a huge and varied sexual past--I'm pretty lucky that way. BUT to create pressure in the present because of the past, or to punish in the present because of the past, is not (in my opinion) beneficial or "a good concept." I communicated about my sex life so my current partner would know if attach emotionally first or just can be physical with no emotional tie. I communicated so my current partner would know what I know about what I do and do not like, sexually. I communicated some various ways I was willing to adapt so he'd know I am open-minded and versatile in expressing love physically. 

But to compare partner B with partner K...size, shape, or skill? I think that's just asking for destruction. Everyone is different. Each partner is different. Don't lie to a current partner, but feeding an urge for details...that just strikes me as asking for trouble.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

minimalME said:


> People say this is about honesty, but in my opinion, it's not. It's more like dark, morbid curiosity.
> 
> I don't believe anything good comes from sharing this information, and it's much more likely to be used against you at some point.


My hubby is my first and of course ge knows that, but he still makes me feel like, “oh you lying”, so yeah no point of sharing that kind of info anyway. They will believe whatever they want to believe and as you said, are going to use against you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> feeding an urge for details...that just strikes me as asking for trouble


feeding details, without an "urge", is every bit as destructive


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Another point I disagree with is that withholding/refusing to answer specific, intrusive questions is synonymous with lying. It's not.

It's a lie to say you're a virgin, when you're not.

Telling someone that your past is none of their business and you won't discuss it isn't lying. It's actually quite upfront, direct and honest.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

minimalME said:


> Another point I disagree with is that withholding/refusing to answer specific, intrusive questions is synonymous with lying. It's not.
> 
> It's a lie to say you're a virgin, when you're not.
> 
> Telling someone that your past is none of their business and you won't discuss it isn't lying. It's actually quite upfront, direct and honest.


What about lying by omission? I did that for about 5 years.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I voted yes, but don't think that's the best answer for everyone. Some can't handle it, have retroactive jealousy, will use it against you/judge you, etc. And some people can handle it, even some details, and it's never an issue. You have to decide how your partner will react, and whether their questioning is intrusive or just genuinely curious.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I try to be honest, but I have held things back. One of my problems is that I have about an 18 month window between high school and the end of my first year university that I only have fragmentary memories of due to drugs and alcohol.

One of the things I haven't been honest with has been a 3-some a year or so after my divorce. It wasn't that great, and I don't want my wife to feel insecure or like I fantasize about that, because I don't. I don't feel good about being honest about that, and I don't feel good about not being sure about numbers because of that hazy time period, but I do try to be honest about experiences and events when asked.

So I didn't really answer the poll, because I'm not sure how to answer it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

At my age, and being that I'm single, I just can't relate to these types of questions.

I would probably laugh at a guy I was dating that wanted to know the details of my sexual history. I'd think it was joke. It's like "dude, I'm 45. Yes there were other partners. No, I'm not going to tell you how many."


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I don't know, Charlie.

Part of being human is that we're separate individuals, and as such, people are owed their privacy.

It's really offensive to me that so many think they're entitled to information - and seem to have no problem getting manipulative and shaming others with how they're 'hiding' in order to coerce to get what they believe they deserve.

In an ideal relationship, we share for the sake of intimacy and to be known.

But more and more, we seem to want to know about others simply as a form of entertainment.

For me personally, omission is a problem if I ask you a direct question, and you choose to give me a false/vague nonanswer.

It's one thing to say, 'I'm not comfortable sharing how much debt I have with you', verses, 'debt's not a problem' - when you actually have tons of debt.

But even then, I've been given all I need to know. I can continue to interact with you, and be content without that information, or I can walk away. I do have a choice.

It's simply not possible to have 100% truth about others, and it's unrealistic to expect it.



CharlieParker said:


> What about lying by omission? I did that for about 5 years.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

I don't really see it as being anyone's business other than your own, but that's just me.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

I think I lying or misleading is wrong.

I don't think the answer up thread "yes I have past partners and I'm not discussing it" is lying. It's a boundary. If someone doesn't like the boundary, they can choose accordingly.

I'm not sure what has changed, or if it's the internet and weird obsession combined, but I agree this whole "I'm entitled to know about every bedroom detail before I met you" is weird, creepy, and a bit pathetic.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer. Depends on a lot of factors. 

My wife does not generally want to know details about my past, though I'm open to telling her if she asks. She knows approximately how many (as I've not kept exact score) and she knows the major players. She's told me about her past because I have asked. When we first got married, that was still a big deal to me, though it's not now. When I've asked, I'm quite sure she's been honest. Ultimately it doesn't matter. We live in the here and now and neither of us has a desire to be anywhere else or with anyone else. That's what's important. Took me a while to get to this place. 

I used to be very insecure and would really get upset thinking about a partner's past. Fortunately, I'd worked through most of that before I met my wife and now, ten years into our marriage, there's almost no energy around it whatsoever. Feels really good, really freeing to know that I can just be me. I used to have stories that had me in competition with partners from the past. Some really good long-term therapy helped to shift this. I'm sure it made things easier for her because I used to sometimes get caught in obsession about such things and it was hard to be in relationship with me. (More before I met her than during the marriage but, as I've said, some of it was still there in the beginning.) Honestly, healing this mostly made things A LOT easier for me. To be so insecure was painful. To feel that I had to be a woman's best lover was an overwhelming burden. 

Now I get that no one can be everything, which frees me to just be myself. I know for a fact that both my wife and I have had way hotter sex with past partners than we've had with each other and that's fine. We're not the same people we were then, plus one really can't compare. One's needs and priorities shift over time. Who and what one finds attractive shift too. I wouldn't want to be the animal I once was because, looking back, it strikes me as kind of violent. I was in relationships where I couldn't wait to rip my partner's clothes off. One partner could orgasm again and again essentially forever. I could go pretty much forever so it was a good match. She was gorgous too. We would both lose our minds in states of ecstasy I didn't know possible. But when I look back on my life, that's not the best sex I've known. It was fun and I'm glad I had the experience, but the best sex was the most loving and intimate sex. I had that with my previous wife (when I was still quite young and innocent) and I have that now with my current wife (who I truly believe will be my partner until one of us passes). I'm sure neither of us would want to go back to who we were years ago, before we met. I'm just grateful she chose me and we love each other so much.


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## tephros (May 24, 2020)

Rebh said:


> Been with husband for 16 years and has always wanted to know the amount of people I've slept with.... I've said as low as 3 but as high as 25... but don't want to tell him... I don't think it should matter about your past or what you did but my husband thinks we should know all of the others mistake...wwyd?


You're under no obligation. It would be whatever I'm comfortable with - no more and no less. Though their motive and personality may affect what I'm comfortable with. Some partners are judgmental about this kind of thing, and some are not. Some are more jealous/insecure, and/or like to enjoy deviant sexual fantasies about your past sex lives and fantasize about being that other person while they're with you. And those are just a few examples of possible motives. The motive may or may not matter to you.

As another poster said, this is a boundaries issue. It's not just about the relationship but also that you as a person have a right to have boundaries. I would never be okay with somebody watching me have a bowel movement, for example (a common boundary to have I suppose). Anybody who lives with me would have to accept that boundary. And so, not talking about your past sex lives may be a boundary you have that others simply have to respect.

I'd recommend against lying though. If true, just say it's private for you and you won't discuss it with partners/anybody. Not getting into details can also be a matter of respecting the privacy of others as well.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Parallax857 said:


> I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer. Depends on a lot of factors.
> 
> My wife does not generally want to know details about my past, though I'm open to telling her if she asks. She knows approximately how many (as I've not kept exact score) and she knows the major players. She's told me about her past because I have asked. When we first got married, that was still a big deal to me, though it's not now.


The important thing here is that she knew this was something you might be interested in, something that potentially could cause issues, if it was something that would be uncomfortable for her, BEFORE you married. That's how it should be. People who aren't open about their insecurities, or don't understand differences in feelings about what "being honest" means, or don't understand the need to set boundaries that both understand and respect... those create huge potential for issues down the road. 

I read so many threads here about weird stuff coming up down the road, most of which could have been figured out, if discussed, prior to getting married. People need to be more open about the things that might bother them. Any areas that feel uncomfortable to talk about... those are things that should be discussed. Differing notions of boundaries and privacy can be deadly.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Honestly, we both did talk about it but not in any specific way. My count was not worth mentioning, his higher but to me it wasn't all that important anyhow, it's history, in the past so not relevant.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Rebh said:



Been with husband for 16 years and has always wanted to know the amount of people I've slept with.... I've said as low as 3 but as high as 25... but don't want to tell him... I don't think it should matter about your past or what you did but my husband thinks we should know all of the others mistake...wwyd?

Click to expand...

*From experience, if your number is closer to 25, I can tell you it will bite you in the ass if you tell him.

*Hard.*

And since he's been hounding you about it all these years, it DOES matter to him. He doesn't care what "mistakes" you've made in your past. He's just being foolish and insisting on knowing because some men are stupid like that - and then wish they didn't know the answer once they get it.

I'm just being honest but he married you NOT knowing the number, so you don't "owe" him sudden honesty. If I were you (and I'm going to catch holy hell for this) I'd tell him it was 4 and you were kidding with the "up to 25." Otherwise, you can expect a complete **** storm for *many* years to come as he continually throws it in your face over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

And over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and.....

I voted "no" in your poll because I try to avoid this subject like the *plague*. I've dealt with this particular brand of hell a couple of times and have learned my lesson. The truth just ain't worth it. Sorry, it's not.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

> *He always want to talk about his fantasies wanting other women or people watching making a video talking about me and men I've been with in the past... he always want me to talk about other people's d*is and I don't love doing this but do sometimes so when we were fighting he kept saying I know you've seen bigger... my husband is hung well so he has should have pen* envy issues. So I then told him I saw bigger. It was a big fight!! Then we made up... We have had at least 4 threesomes with only women throughout the years... now we have 2 kids under 7 and we still dwell over all the sex he wants and need this will go on all day sometimes.... *


I wish I'd known that the guy is just an oversexed degenerate who gets off when the OP describes other guy's d*cks. I wouldn't have wasted my time thinking she needed to protect herself from his 'jealousy.' 

She's got MUCH bigger problems being married to this dog in heat than worrying about retroactive jealousy. Pffft.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I would not answer this question. My husband doesn't know about how many partner's I've had, and I don't know how many he's had. Then they start thinking about it, may hold it against you somehow... I think it's just better left unsaid.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why does he claim they were 'mistakes'? Your experiences made you who you are. As did his.


CharlieParker said:


> What about lying by omission? I did that for about 5 years.


I'm pretty sure she could tell, Charlie.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> The important thing here is that she knew this was something you might be interested in, something that potentially could cause issues, if it was something that would be uncomfortable for her, BEFORE you married. That's how it should be. People who aren't open about their insecurities, or don't understand differences in feelings about what "being honest" means, or don't understand the need to set boundaries that both understand and respect... those create huge potential for issues down the road.
> 
> I read so many threads here about weird stuff coming up down the road, most of which could have been figured out, if discussed, prior to getting married. People need to be more open about the things that might bother them. Any areas that feel uncomfortable to talk about... those are things that should be discussed. Differing notions of boundaries and privacy can be deadly.


Good points. Yes, we were quite open from the beginning. She later told me that her first reaction to me, when I began talking to her as we stood together in a lunch line, had not been positive. She saw me as arrogant. Not really anything I had said or done; her own projection. It flipped quickly. Ten minutes later we were sitting alone together and she was telling me things she had never told anyone. 

We started off on that foot and have been going strong ever since. What's really cool for me is this is the first time I've been in a relationship that didn't fade over time. In fact, very much the opposite. We've been together ten years (married eight) and we feel closer today than we did on the day we met. Things get better and better because we don't leave things unsaid or unprocessed, which forces us to keep getting to know each other more intimately. When I say that I'm not speaking of sex. I'm talking about how we know each other's wounds and triggers. Sharing this stuff requires us to discover it for ourselves. We see each other's pain which allows us to have empathy. We don't judge or blame. Our marriage is a space filled with love and empathy.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Comprehensive pre-marital counselling would suss out issues like this before it becomes a problem years into marriage, or should anyway.


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## tephros (May 24, 2020)

Parallax857 said:


> Good points. Yes, we were quite open from the beginning. She later told me that her first reaction to me, when I began talking to her as we stood together in a lunch line, had not been positive. She saw me as arrogant. Not really anything I had said or done; her own projection. It flipped quickly. Ten minutes later we were sitting alone together and she was telling me things she had never told anyone.
> 
> We started off on that foot and have been going strong ever since. What's really cool for me is this is the first time I've been in a relationship that didn't fade over time. In fact, very much the opposite. We've been together ten years (married eight) and we feel closer today than we did on the day we met. Things get better and better because we don't leave things unsaid or unprocessed, which forces us to keep getting to know each other more intimately. When I say that I'm not speaking of sex. I'm talking about how we know each other's wounds and triggers. Sharing this stuff requires us to discover it for ourselves. We see each other's pain which allows us to have empathy. We don't judge or blame. Our marriage is a space filled with love and empathy.


Good to know that sort of thing is possible.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Rebh said:


> Been with husband for 16 years and has always wanted to know the amount of people I've slept with.... I've said as low as 3 but as high as 25... but don't want to tell him... I don't think it should matter about your past or what you did but my husband thinks we should know all of the others mistake...wwyd?


It would be interesting if you had the poll indicate gender.

I voted yes because I don't want to have stuff like that hidden if my wife wanted to know.

She knows mine due to a casual conversation we were having with close friends but I don't think she really cared. I don't know hers, just that she had several.

Her count probably isn't as high as mine but I don't care either.

The problem that seems to plague mostly women is when their husbands hold their pasts against them in some way or get kind of weird after finding out.

Is your husband insecure? Do you know his number?

Are you satisfied sexually with him?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. Don't lie.

Lying is bad especially to your husband.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> That discussion should have been at the beginning of your relationship not 16 years later


exactly! what's the point of having it now? It only shows a huge amount of insecurity at this point.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

The last guy (I dated I few months ago) started asking me this question with the excuse that "_someone who really cares about you wants to know your every little detail. They need to know who they're dealing with. Someone who doesn't really care about you, doesn't ask you that question, so believe me when I say I really care about you..._" 

For a moment I was like "could he be right? 😕 " 
Thankfully I didn't reveal that number to him but it got me wondering for a few moments. Now I think he was trying to fool me so that I could give him a number. The only thing I said was past experiences make us who we are today, so just be thankful for that. He then said "_that's bullsh*t..._"


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> The last guy (I dated I few months ago) started asking me this question with the excuse that "_someone who really cares about you wants to know your every little detail. They need to know who they're dealing with. Someone who doesn't really care about you, doesn't ask you that question, so believe me when I say I really care about you..._"
> 
> For a moment I was like "could he be right? 😕 "
> Thankfully I didn't reveal that number to him but it got me wondering for a few moments. Now I think he was trying to fool me so that I could give him a number. The only thing I said was past experiences make us who we are today, so just be thankful for that. He then said "_that's bullsh*t..._"


I can't actually picture his mindset.

If a woman has attracted my attention, I'm thinking about us together sexually or otherwise. I'm not even sure why thinking about a woman, who has my interest, with past partners would even happen.

But, I'm not insecure nor do I have cuckold tendencies or RJ which might be related.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I'm not insecure nor do I have cuckold tendencies or RJ which might be related.


Yeah, it could've been RJ. From my understanding of our conversations, he had less partners than me and he felt it that I might've had more than him so he wanted to know where he was standing. At one point he even added "_I know you've had more than me ... _"


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> Yeah, it could've been RJ. From my understanding of our conversations, he had less partners than me and he felt it that I might've had more than him so he wanted to know where he was standing. At one point he even added "_I know you've had more than me ... _"


And if you're attracted to someone why not enjoy them instead of being crazy?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> And if you're attracted to someone why not enjoy them instead of being crazy?


Insecurities got the best of him and didn't let him enjoy me.
His loss. 👎

The irony in all this was that he didn't want to share lots about his past but he wanted to know everything about mine. Not that I wanted to know much about his past but his tendency to talk as little as possible was a red flag and enhanced his broad spectrum of insecurities.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> Insecurities got the best of him and didn't let him enjoy me.
> His loss. 👎
> 
> The irony in all this was that he didn't want to share lots about his past but he wanted to know everything about mine. Not that I wanted to know much about his past but his tendency to talk as little as possible was a red flag and enhanced his broad spectrum of insecurities.


Slim pickings I guess. I feel sorry for single people with potential partners being so pathetic.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Slim pickings I guess. I feel sorry for single people with potential partners being so pathetic.


I feel sorry for the guy. Perhaps because I once was that guy. It's not easy to be insecure and it's not his fault. Early childhood wounding is typically where it comes from. If one is criticized as a child, it can get in deep. Then one may look for ways to compensate. Some do it by developing a skill or by making a lot of money. For some, it gets tied into sexuality. I remember believing I was defective because I hadn't slept with as many woman as most of my friends. I thought that a woman wanting to sleep with me was a kind of validation, particularly if she was attractive. And the big prize was if an attractive woman was a virgin and wanted to lose it with me.

Looking back that was all terribly misguided and ignorant. It's embarassing to admit I ever believed such things. But I mention it anyway in the hope that maybe it might help someone. Shame is toxic and if you believe something's real, it becomes real. Unless and until what you believe changes. The funny thing was once I got clear of those limiting beliefs, that's when suddenly it seemed there were wonderful attractive women all over the place, some of whom were interested in me. I wasn't everyone's cup of tea but I got enough interest. To get to that place, I had to get past my insecurity first.


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