# Deleted thread, I am really ticked off (question and a partial vent)



## Theseus

And it wasn't even my thread. The reason I am ticked off is because I cared about the issue, I spent a VERY long time composing a carefully worded response, then a short time later the thread is deleted, probably by the OP, since there was nothing objectionable in the thread to cause moderators to bury it. But we don't know, because it just vanishes as if it never existed. 

So the 45min or so I spent are down the drain, and I will never get that time back. I feel all that effort was now a waste. :banghead:

The thread in question was here (link won't work now, of course):
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/195426-dumb-reason-consider-leaving.html

Anyway, here is my point. Shouldn't there be a better way to do this? Not allow OPs to delete threads after a certain amount of time? Or only allow OPs to delete their posts but keep the thread intact? (that would at least keep the responses). Or at least keep a placeholder there so people at least know the thread was deleted? 

I don't know what the best answer is. All I know is that I have been posting here for awhile, have some friends here, but am seriously reconsidering staying if the things I write can just be erased from existence on a whim. To add insult to injury, my response is EVEN ERASED FROM MY OWN COMMENT HISTORY as if it never even existed! I was seriously questioning my own sanity when I couldn't find it again. There has to be a better way to handle that at least!


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## Anon Pink

As some one who has deleted her own threads .... When I deleted my own threads it never occurred to me that people might be upset that their carefully crafted and kind replies be deleted along with the thread. I started a few threads, got out of it what I needed and then didn't want it left up. 

Don't know about the thread you linked though. Has the OP been banned? If not send a PM and ask them about it...


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## Theseus

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Start your own thread and put what you said on it...others can chime in or not...then only you can delete it.


Thanks, but not possible now, since it's lost and my internet history won't pull it up.


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## Theseus

Anon Pink said:


> Don't know about the thread you linked though. Has the OP been banned? If not send a PM and ask them about it...


Interesting idea, but in this case I only remember part of the OP's name. 

That's the problem with the way thread deletion works here, it is like a sci-fi movie where all traces of existence are vaporized...


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## larry.gray

I can relate the frustration.

We had a rather epic thread in SIM by a now banned poster. This guy complained about a lack of sex, and just wanted to blame his own wife. He got loads of good advice, but it would require him to actually do something - most of all, take some ownership and fix things. There were several of us men who were previously in his shoes encouraging him and making lengthy replies. 

If that thread was still up, it would be very good reading for other men in his shoes. It was some of my best advice I've given here.


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## larry.gray

Theseus said:


> Interesting idea, but in this case I only remember part of the OP's name.
> 
> That's the problem with the way thread deletion works here, it is like a sci-fi movie where all traces of existence are vaporized...


Moderators can still see it. Perhaps you can get one of them to pull the text?

DJ talks about looking at deleted threads all the time. He likes to see why people are pulling them, in case it was for abusive posts.


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## Unique Username

I posted on that thread and went back to see and couldn't find it either
and Yep I though - hmmm what happened there

I just hope that her husband didn't see it and it created more problems or something

Other than that - Meh!

I've noticed that a lot of people really don't know what OTHER things are considered Abuse

we know about Physical and verbal violence

but there are many others too


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## Theseus

Unique Username said:


> I posted on that thread and went back to see and couldn't find it either
> and Yep I though - hmmm what happened there
> 
> I just hope that her husband didn't see it and it created more problems or something
> 
> Other than that - Meh!
> 
> I've noticed that a lot of people really don't know what OTHER things are considered Abuse
> 
> we know about Physical and verbal violence
> 
> but there are many others too



Actually Unique, the funny thing is my post STRONGLY disagreed with yours, I disagreed with your bringing up domestic violence into the equation (since there was no violence in the OP's description). 

I also pointed out a lot of ways that the OP was also to blame for her situation (most notably, the hypocrisy of her attacking her husband for threatening to leave, yet she had already threatened to leave him!). Maybe the OP deleted it because she didn't like someone criticizing her?


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## Unique Username

See that is where you perhaps misunderstood

as domestic violence isn't the normal PHYSICAL or VERBAL abuse but can come in many forms

emotional abuse 
withholding of affection
isolation 

many other things

seems you took it at the literal meaning of Physical Violence 
and that is NOT what I was referring to

I'm working right now

but later I will post some links so you can educate yourself on those OTHER forms of abuse that spouses use as Domestic Abuse
and women do it to men too - so this isn't a gender thing


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## Unique Username

Could very well be, but since he hadn't posted that probably isn't the case in this particular situation

But It certainly is a good reason why threads are deleted in many, many other cases


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## Unique Username

Just in case anyone wants to learn EXACTLY what I was referring to

since it is an eye opener when you actually realize the many forms abuse takes

and again - From EITHER GENDER

It is really an eye-opener when you discover that you have been in an abusive relationship. We usually think of domestic violence as simply someone physically assaults another or verbally abuses them. But, in fact, there are many, many forms of abuse.

Here are some links for more information regarding how to tell the signs of domestic abuse. There is a wide range from withholding affection as punishment, withholding sex, withholding money or transportation, withholding medications etc. etc.

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Causes, Symptoms, Help

Emotional Abuse Â« Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness

Knowing the Signs of Domestic Abuse â€” Vermont Network

Do you:

feel afraid of your partner much of the time? 
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless? 

Does your partner:

humiliate or yell at you?
criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? 
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
act excessively jealous and possessive? 
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family? 
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?

or this

What Is Your Relationship Like?
Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don’t know how to describe it?
Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?
Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner’s eyes?
Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
Do you have to account for every moment of your time?
When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as ***** or nag?
Does your partner prevent you from going to work or school, or from learning English?
If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny, or say you don’t deserve anything?
Does your partner threaten to withdraw your sponsorship or send you back to your country of origin?
After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?
Does your partner use the children against you in arguments? Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?
Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?[/QUOTE]


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## Theseus

Unique Username said:


> See that is where you perhaps misunderstood
> 
> as domestic violence isn't the normal PHYSICAL or VERBAL abuse but can come in many forms


Unique, c'mon!

I understand, but it's a leap to take annoying or rude behavior and elevate it to "abuse" to such a level that you need to consult with a domestic violence network.

Some of the "abuses" the wife mentioned were things like her husband looking at porn and secretly smoking cigarettes, and not waiting around 20 minutes for her to pick him up from work. She said he also went on Facebook and looked at women (she wasn't clear whether he's just looking at them or trying to hook up with them). 

I think the worst one was him telling her she shouldn't be allowed to get mad. But judging by some of her nitpickiness, I could understand his frustration would drive him to say that. She never mentioned him going into rages or threatening to hit her, or anything like that. 

Truth is they both were to blame, and they both need MC to find more constructive ways to argue. I just thought that is the better way to go - I don't see how it was useful to imply the OP should flee for her life and call a hotline to help her escape! (it wasn't just Unique, a couple other people suggested similar courses of action)


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## Unique Username

Good lord, I never said that anyone should run away or call a domestic hotline

I merely suggested that one make themselves INFORMED of the different aspects of spousal abuse

which ISN"T just PHYSICAL violence or Verbal Abuse
as you keep jumping back to that

and my point exactly - is that people need to be aware that abuse comes in MANY forms.

Thank goodness we are stupidly arguing the point HERE
rather than in someone's personal thread.

I nowhere said that she WAS being abused nor did I tell her to call a hotline nor did I say she should run for the hills. 

But with telling someone that they can't be angry for 2 weeks - well that is pretty stupid isn't it

AND - perhaps her "nitpicking" as you said might actually be a form of abuse AGAINST her husband

so AGAIN, my point was to educate and you missed it again. Did you read ANY of what I wrote?

and the above post was from another thread not hers
in hers I just left 2 links and a sentence.
So where you came up with me calling domestic VIOLENCE is totally off the mark as I simply didn't do that


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## Theseus

Unique Username said:


> Good lord, I never said that anyone should run away or call a domestic hotline


It was not just you, a couple other people said she should leave her husband immediately. 



> and the above post was from another thread not hers
> in hers I just left 2 links and a sentence.
> So where you came up with me calling domestic VIOLENCE is totally off the mark as I simply didn't do that


You are mistaken, you left more than 2 links. You put the same links you put in this thread, with the "domestic violence and abuse" one at the very top. 

True, you didn't specifically call her situation "domestic violence", but that's the implication most people would take from that.


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## Unique Username

It was not just me? It wasn't me at all.

Apparently, you skim over things and read into them whatever you want. 

For the last time - I WAS MERELY OFFERING knowledge - to learn what the OTHER kinds of domestic ABUSE are..........
and I said SHE could be Abusing him - but more likely they both were inflicting several different kinds of emotional abuse upon each other.

Well, Mr. Right Fighter - I looked over a few of your threads and other postings and seems like you are a really combatative person, and seems you are generally unhappy. I am sorry you have all this pent up angst.
Enjoy arguing with someone else.
I have much better things to do with my time.


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## happy as a clam

I also find it frustrating when a thread suddenly disappears. I've noticed a couple recently are just gone.

Oh well, the thread does "belong" to the OP in a sense. I like Mrs. JA's suggestion to compose in Word and save it on your computer. Or if you're on a mobile phone, use a Note app, copy and paste.

SteveK's epic thread just vaporized too... although he did explain why he took it down.


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## Theseus

Unique Username said:


> Well, Mr. Right Fighter - I looked over a few of your threads and other postings and seems like you are a really combatative person, and seems you are generally unhappy. I am sorry you have all this pent up angst.
> Enjoy arguing with someone else.
> I have much better things to do with my time.



Holy cow, that is "combative" to you? I mostly agreed with you. Maybe you took my tone the wrong way here? But now that you are trying to taking things to the personal level, OK, I'm done arguing with you too.


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## Unique Username

Well, perhaps we misunderstood each other then.

And I am sorry for taking things to a personal level.

But, I still don't want to argue.


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## CopperTop

Theseus said:


> And it wasn't even my thread. The reason I am ticked off is because I cared about the issue, I spent a VERY long time composing a carefully worded response, then a short time later the thread is deleted, probably by the OP, since there was nothing objectionable in the thread to cause moderators to bury it. But we don't know, because it just vanishes as if it never existed.
> 
> So the 45min or so I spent are down the drain, and I will never get that time back. I feel all that effort was now a waste. :banghead:
> 
> The thread in question was here (link won't work now, of course):
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/195426-dumb-reason-consider-leaving.html
> 
> Anyway, here is my point. Shouldn't there be a better way to do this? Not allow OPs to delete threads after a certain amount of time? Or only allow OPs to delete their posts but keep the thread intact? (that would at least keep the responses). Or at least keep a placeholder there so people at least know the thread was deleted?
> 
> I don't know what the best answer is. All I know is that I have been posting here for awhile, have some friends here, but am seriously reconsidering staying if the things I write can just be erased from existence on a whim. To add insult to injury, my response is EVEN ERASED FROM MY OWN COMMENT HISTORY as if it never even existed! I was seriously questioning my own sanity when I couldn't find it again. There has to be a better way to handle that at least!



After being a long time lurker, I joined and submitted my first post because I was told that I need to find someone to talk to. To connect with people. To realize that I don't have shoulder the load alone.

People tried to help, but after a couple of days I pulled my thread. I didn't like myself and the way I sounded because it wasn't me. I sounded...petty and weak. I'm embarrassed that my marriage is failing and I can't seem to save it. 

Now I feel guilty about it, just for the reasons you stated. It wasn't fair or nice to the strangers that stepped in to offer advice.

I'm sorry for what I did. But sometimes people do things they later regret. I do. I suspect we all do. It's part of being human.


Copper


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## GettingIt_2

I've had the same frustration of composing a well thought response only to have it disappear when I attempted to post it because the thread no longer existed. 

Lesson learned, and I compose it in another program where it can be saved then transfer it. It would be nice if there was a "save draft" option that could be used when composing. 

I often thought it would be useful for there to be a way to archive the threads we post in; although I also very well understand that OPs should have the final say over their threads. 

I guess if you really wanted to, you could find a way to export and save threads for your own personal archive. (Or go REALLY old school and print the out!) I do wish I had some of my best posts saved somewhere, but typically they are good because of the particular give and take of a thread less so than as stand-alone posts.


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## ScrambledEggs

I have been hit with this a few times. When I feel like I have written something especially profound, for myself anyway, I now just copy it into my web journal. I don't write a lot of soul searching in my journal but I do like to record observations, events, and how I view them as well what I think are good ideas and observations. Thats enough for me.


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## jdd

Theseus said:


> Thanks, but not possible now, since it's lost and my internet history won't pull it up.


Compose longer responses (or ones you care to make sure are saved) in something like Google Docs (free unlimited space for text documents). It will save all revisions and auto-saves every word you type, forever (or until you delete the document).


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## bjchristian

I find that my thread with a lot of great advice and post, lost the OP, then it was deleted, then it was working again and then it now is no where to be found.

Not sure what happened. Requested it to be fix with the mods. Keeping my fingers crossed.


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## JASON58

I think the poster has the right to delete there posts for whatever reason.


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## Deejo

Just make sure that all of your posts are awesome, that way it isn't so bad when you lose one.

On a more serious note, we get requests from users all of the time to "please, delete all of my posts ..."

Most often it is because their posts have been discovered and are causing further issues, or even potential physical harm in their real lives.

To be clear, we can't. We can't press a button and remove someones 5 or 5,000 posts.

They must do so manually. 

The 'feature' for a thread starter to be able to remove their initial post is never going to be revoked, and if the first post is removed, the thread is removed. Just the way it is folks.


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## PBear

It's an Internet forum, not a thesis. FWIW, I've been on here for years, and never noticed any of my posts deleted, unless a user deletes a thread or the mods delete a thread. Doesn't help you, but that's been my experience. But if your stuff is really important to you, I'd recommend you regularly back it up. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

PBear said:


> It's an Internet forum, not a thesis.


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## Deejo

I'm going to post another little gem that I have put up from time to time, to help with perspective.

If ever, when you are posting, you think that what you have to say is more important than what the OP has to say or how they feel about their circumstances, you are over-invested.

People get banned for this. They lose their mind if the OP doesn't respond to their post, take their advice, or acknowledge their POV.

It ain't about you. (The plural you, not you Theseus)


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## heartsbeating

My posts are mediocre at best so there's not much being lost if it goes anyway! I'm curious that another one bites the dust and I'm not going batty, 'Huh, I'm sure that thread was here...' 

I've deleted early threads simply as our marriage is now in a different time, place and space continuum. Perspective has changed, the dynamic has progressed... I can't relate to the person I was then but they served their purpose at the time. 

For those who give fantastic advice though, I could see how it may be useful to others in a similar predicament but I'm sure the OP takes something from it nonetheless.


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## Trickster

I am one who has deleted a few threads.

I deleted some of them because they got derailed or hijacked. 

It has been hard for me to delete my threads. They are part of me, my heart and soul. I have spent hours upon hours on TAM. When I read back over my threads, I don't even recognize my own posts...

I also deleted some threads and may have to delete more as I progress closer to D. I don't know if any of it would help or hurt in the event of a divorce.
even when I delete threads, I do remember what posters tell me. 

FWIW,

TAM HAS HELPED ME! Even if some threads are deleted, I hope Tammers don't give up on me just because I deleted older threads that are no longer relevant. There is no longer a need for anyone to post a link to an older stupid thread that I started a year ago... That's history...I am no longer that man i was a year ago.


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## meson

Theseus said:


> And it wasn't even my thread. The reason I am ticked off is because I cared about the issue, I spent a VERY long time composing a carefully worded response, then a short time later the thread is deleted, probably by the OP, since there was nothing objectionable in the thread to cause moderators to bury it. But we don't know, because it just vanishes as if it never existed.
> 
> So the 45min or so I spent are down the drain, and I will never get that time back. I feel all that effort was now a waste. :banghead:
> 
> The thread in question was here (link won't work now, of course):
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/195426-dumb-reason-consider-leaving.html
> 
> Anyway, here is my point. Shouldn't there be a better way to do this? Not allow OPs to delete threads after a certain amount of time? Or only allow OPs to delete their posts but keep the thread intact? (that would at least keep the responses). Or at least keep a placeholder there so people at least know the thread was deleted?
> 
> I don't know what the best answer is. All I know is that I have been posting here for awhile, have some friends here, but am seriously reconsidering staying if the things I write can just be erased from existence on a whim. To add insult to injury, my response is EVEN ERASED FROM MY OWN COMMENT HISTORY as if it never even existed! I was seriously questioning my own sanity when I couldn't find it again. There has to be a better way to handle that at least!



Then maybe you should reply to any thread or post!


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