# My Story: From Dday1 to Done (though he doesn't know it yet)



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Here's my story. Yesterday, everything changed with new information I found (thanks to the web history tools in his gmail account). A bitter acceptance swept over me and I am planning how to logistically divorce my WS and cause the least harm to him because after all of this, I still love him. If you know my story from other threads, skip to the update section.

Dday 1 -
I didn't know TAM, and I didn't know better - like many I rugswept. I found that he had a secret email account and was participating in chat rooms with girls from his country. Ironically, there was no overt sexual language. But disgustingly, he used endearing tones and suggested how much he liked each girl. I was horrified, and I flipped on him. I picked him up from work and he balled during our conversation. He promised to never do it again, but had I known TAM, I would have known that he wasn't truly remorseful. Whenever I was upset, he became upset that I wasn't over it yet, that I was dwelling on the past, and that I was holding us back. (Pathetic I know.) I played the nice, forgiving role (though I was always suspicious and privately checking his browser history).

Things got better, so I thought.

Dday #2
The day of our 2nd anniversary, I had this weird feeling and asked to use his phone to make a call. We were riding in the car, and he was taking me to the university where I was supposed to meet a project partner. When I was acting like I didn't know his phone to buy time, I noticed him constantly looking over. That made me more suspicious. In the end, I found random numbers, and wrote them all down. I wouldn't give his phone back though he insisted. When we arrived at the university, or slightly early, I jumped out of the car with his phone and ran. He tried to find me. I felt like I was in this Hollywood movie trying desperately to hide from him as he chased me in the car. I got away. It was near 8pm at the time. I was in shock. I found a dark corner near the clock tower at the university, and began calling each random number. Three numbers led to random girls.

He had his minimizing stories ready when I got home. And he acted like they were just co-workers and someone who he met and wanted to go out for a coffee with (not okay at all). The next day I google the numbers and find that one of them is a local escort. I just wanted to puke. I confronted him with, and like all WS he only admitted once I had solid evidence and his story changed.

He admitted to one further detail. That the Britni from work was actually a stripper. He admitted going to a strip club (the day before our anniversary, a few hours before we celebrated our anniversary) and the girl giving him her number.

Following all of this, I went through the stages of shock, denial, anger, depression, resentment, etc. It has been a horrible roller coaster ride and the worst experience of my life. My perspective on love and humans has changed for the worse. I'm now paranoid and suspicious and though I know it is irrational I'm disgusted by men. When I ride the bus and look at tired couples, I wonder how many are living despite betrayal.

At first, I take time to just be. No decisions on R or D. Just trying to make it through the day. Eventually I try to R. He tries too. No contact, remorseful (though not thoroughly), and starts doing much more around the house and doing sweet little things for me (buying flowers, morning massage, etc). Later I realize our R was false. I should've known it was false by his remorse sometimes being overshadowed by frustration with me "still" being cold towards him.

Dday 3 - 
I realize that while he deletes his browser history, google stores a record of his searches in his gmail account. I find that five days prior he searched the term "strip clubs". At this point I write a thread asking if it is time to throw in the towel. I printed divorce papers and said we are done. (In my head, I wasn't yet ready to be done.) 

He cried like never before. He was a mess and didn't go to work the next day. He tried desperately to reassure me. He said he needed just one last chance, that he now realized what he might lose. We had a lovely day, the next day, I decided that there is nothing to lose by giving it one last chance. I've gotten much colder by this point. I see myself as more friends than lovers. We found a new park nearby and explored it together for hours (with our dog). We had a great night. I wasn't hopeful for our long-term future, but I decided to give him his one more chance. I explained that he needed to tell me everything, everything, everything. That if I found out later, we were absolutely done.

Since this point he has been very different. Very very remorseful. And yet......

UPDATE to my story: Dday #4

Last night, I got into his google web history and find nothing since this point BUT I find what he never told me. He had told me that he had started searching for escorts a week or so before his first phone call to an escort (which I found on Dday #2). He convincingly told me again and again that it never took place. I caught him in time. But he intended to do so (which was bad enough in my eyes).

Well, I found in his history that the first time he searched for "girls for sex [name of our city]" was August 22nd. This sunk in me deeply yet I didn't cry. I was hardened by everything perhaps. I continued searching through every single day in the history (which only shows google history when he is signed into his gmail). I find that he searched again on October 1st. Again on October 14th. Again on October 16th. The search terms were so disturbing. The worst was him searching hotels where he could take prostitutes. 

There is NO WAY that someone has been searching this thoroughly and repeatedly over a period of time and not have actually carried it through. I know without a doubt (and before I was 90% sure that it had to have gone physical) that he has been sleeping around on me, not just intending to do so.

Worse. OMG, how many prostitutes has he had sex with???? I am so disgusted. I better get ANOTHER std test. I tested in January. You know, I'm going to make sure he gets tested this time. I'm so disgusted for having had sex with him since all of this. Now I am done, no more sex.

It makes me sad that I will never again have sex with him. Our romantic relationship is now over. On my end, I am done. He doesn't know yet. I'm only trying to figure out how to end this in the best possible way. I'm in grad school and I can't afford (in energy terms) to carry this all out during this second half of the term. Summer will have to wait. Til then, no more sex. I will consider us only friends. Because I still love him. He is clearly a sex addict.

Actually, last night and today I am no longer really mad at him. No resent really. Instead, I am consumed by pity. I feel sorry that he is a sex addict and ruining his own life. He is seriously destroying all that he has, just like a drug addict does.

But I'm too young (late twenties) and there are no kids involved. I don't want to live with doubt, suspicion, and waiting for my heart to be stomped on once more. I love him, but I can't let myself go down with him. 

I may try to help him get into IC just for his own sake. I just wish he could calmly accept that we are done. I want to end things amicably. But I know he is going to go off the deep end. I'm scared he'll hurt himself. And I'm also dreading telling his family. His mom who I love so so dearly, who is in another country, and who gets physically ill when anyone has trouble. One of the most selfless people I have ever met. 

I'm really concerned about his family. While I dread telling all the people I know, they'll just feel sorry for me and whisper to one another about the shocking details of the story. No one will be hurt dramatically but me. My parents will be fine. But his. He was the pride of the family. Sad sad sad. But I can't let myself be hurt.

This marriage has come to a screeching halt forever more. I lament but only for what I "thought" I had. I feel so sorry for him. More than myself. I will move on. Thank you for your comments and just for reading. I do feel very alone right now as only I know that our marriage has ended.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Sorry to hear it has gotten worse.

What will you do next?


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> Here's my story. Yesterday, everything changed with new information I found (thanks to the web history tools in his gmail account). A bitter acceptance swept over me and I am planning how to logistically divorce my WS and cause the least harm to him because after all of this, I still love him. If you know my story from other threads, skip to the update section.
> 
> Dday 1 -
> I didn't know TAM, and I didn't know better - like many I rugswept. I found that he had a secret email account and was participating in chat rooms with girls from his country. Ironically, there was no overt sexual language. But disgustingly, he used endearing tones and suggested how much he liked each girl. I was horrified, and I flipped on him. I picked him up from work and he balled during our conversation. He promised to never do it again, but had I known TAM, I would have known that he wasn't truly remorseful. Whenever I was upset, he became upset that I wasn't over it yet, that I was dwelling on the past, and that I was holding us back. (Pathetic I know.) I played the nice, forgiving role (though I was always suspicious and privately checking his browser history).
> ...


I am glad that you have made your decision but, He will continue the charade of vulnerability. He will beg, cry, do better, try harder. If I were you I'd get away from him. He is using your "love" to hurt you. This time when you confront you need to ask him to leave or you need to leave. He knows you and knows how to manipulate you well enough to ruin your resolve. If this is not true then you would have left a long time ago. You have been manipulated over and over. Take that power away from him and leave and pursue your future outside of his influence. I wish you the best of luck and give yourself the best chance at a happy future and get out of the situation you are in.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Hey Chris,

I'm glad you responded. I worried that no one would read my post since it was so long.

The plan is for me to get through my studies and work on accepting the fact that I will be alone in the near future. Also, I'm debating how to communicate this to him without turning him into a wreck. I know when I tell him he won't be able to go to work and will just cause me a lot of stress with him moping and perhaps threatening to hurt himself. More likely he will repeatedly say his life no longer has purpose and things like that which insinuate that he may harm himself. That is very stressful for me. And I need to get through school.

I'm not sure how this will exactly work out. I will tell my sister first. She is good at giving advice. I really don't know how to tell him. I may try to help him find help. But it's all costly and takes so much time and effort. I have to do the work since English is still a work in progress for him.

Thanks again Chris. I really really appreciate your reply and any others who do so. Makes me feel a little less alone.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> Hey Chris,
> 
> I'm glad you responded. I worried that no one would read my post since it was so long.
> 
> ...


I put the above line in bold to help you see my point. Him turning into a wreck is a tool to use you by. He doesn't deserve a face to face encounter. At this point for your sanity call him on the phone and tell him you know everything and that it is over. Tell him he needs to stay somewhere else. Look I am not trying to be mean but I think you have become somewhat codependent on him. That is why you have not left him. Therefore in this circumstance don't get yourself in a situation where you can be manipulated. Tell him he has messed up and kick him out or find an apartment. Otherwise I fear that you will continue in this unhealthy emotional roundabout and find yourself stuck emotionally.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

badbane said:


> I am glad that you have made your decision but, He will continue the charade of vulnerability. He will beg, cry, do better, try harder. If I were you I'd get away from him. He is using your "love" to hurt you. This time when you confront you need to ask him to leave or you need to leave. He knows you and knows how to manipulate you well enough to ruin your resolve. If this is not true then you would have left a long time ago. You have been manipulated over and over. Take that power away from him and leave and pursue your future outside of his influence. I wish you the best of luck and give yourself the best chance at a happy future and get out of the situation you are in.


Hi Badbane,

Thank you too for your comment. Right now, I feel so different. I feel a total resolve and calmness about ending our relationship. I just need to do it as smoothly as possible and without ruining my studies. If we had enough money to live separately and more than one car, I would make him move out. 

I guess I don't think I need to rush because I feel strong enough to emotionally distance myself while being in one apartment. Practically, it is easier for us to coexist like roommates UNTIL summer (late May) when I have time and energy to focus on helping him have a safe landing (somewhere else).


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

badbane said:


> I put the above line in bold to help you see my point. Him turning into a wreck is a tool to use you by. He doesn't deserve a face to face encounter. At this point for your sanity call him on the phone and tell him you know everything and that it is over. Tell him he needs to stay somewhere else. Look I am not trying to be mean but I think you have become somewhat codependent on him. That is why you have not left him. Therefore in this circumstance don't get yourself in a situation where you can be manipulated. Tell him he has messed up and kick him out or find an apartment. Otherwise I fear that you will continue in this unhealthy emotional roundabout and find yourself stuck emotionally.


Badbane,

I get what your saying. But I'm not going to crush him. My love is real for him. We are done, that is for sure. But I care too much about him as a person (not as my husband anymore) to just dump him out and make him homeless. But thank you for making sure I am self-aware of what I'm doing.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> Badbane,
> 
> I get what your saying. But I'm not going to crush him. My love is real for him. We are done, that is for sure. But I care too much about him as a person (not as my husband anymore) to just dump him out and make him homeless. But thank you for making sure I am self-aware of what I'm doing.


okay I get it. Just be aware that because of his addiction he will breakdown. There is no way that you will not crush him. He is living in a fantasy where you he has no consequences and he can be free and run around with whomever he can afford. He thinks that by turning on the waterworks breaking down. hiding his stuff better that he will get you back. You need to understand you never "crushed" him and you crushing him is probably the best thing for him as well as you. He won't stop doing what he is doing until he hits rock bottom. You playing roomates for will be a trainwreck. What are you going to do when you start dating again?


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

You are probably in for a roller coaster of emotions. Your current resolve may well crumble; you may feel almost uncontrollable anger, grief, bitterness, sorrow. 

Remember, this is about *you* and whatever you feel stay true to yourself.

I have to go out for a day or so but you will surely get good advice from others.

Good luck.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

badbane said:


> okay I get it. Just be aware that because of his addiction he will breakdown. There is no way that you will not crush him. He is living in a fantasy where you he has no consequences and he can be free and run around with whomever he can afford. He thinks that by turning on the waterworks breaking down. hiding his stuff better that he will get you back. You need to understand you never "crushed" him and you crushing him is probably the best thing for him as well as you. He won't stop doing what he is doing until he hits rock bottom. You playing roomates for will be a trainwreck. What are you going to do when you start dating again?


OMG I don't ever want to date again! Seriously though, we aren't going to live together forever. This is a temporary situation until the summer. I'm NOT going to be dating in the near future. I am repulsed by men right now!


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> OMG I don't ever want to date again! Seriously though, we aren't going to live together forever. This is a temporary situation until the summer. I'm NOT going to be dating in the near future. I am repulsed by men right now!


You say that but lets just say you run into this guy that really likes you. Has a good head on his shoulders, and isn't a sex addict. You really have to understand stating the above you understand that he wins. I am not trying to be confrontational please understand that I wish i could convey tone of voice on here. But I am stuck with text. So I would highly recommend you look up "the 180". I don't have a link to it but I am sure someone will post it for me thanks guys. 
You need to stop worrying about this guy and start worrying about yourself. Start focusing on what you want without regard for your STBXH. It is time for you to be honest with yourself about your own feelings and to separate yourself physically and emotionally from you STBXH.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

badbane said:


> You say that but lets just say you run into this guy that really likes you. Has a good head on his shoulders, and isn't a sex addict. You really have to understand stating the above you understand that he wins. I am not trying to be confrontational please understand that I wish i could convey tone of voice on here. But I am stuck with text. So I would highly recommend you look up "the 180". I don't have a link to it but I am sure someone will post it for me thanks guys.
> You need to stop worrying about this guy and start worrying about yourself. Start focusing on what you want without regard for your STBXH. It is time for you to be honest with yourself about your own feelings and to separate yourself physically and emotionally from you STBXH.


I know all about the 180, though I really wasn't ready for it before. Now I am! I feel released from the pathetic hope I had clung to before.

Don't worry, I appreciate your posts. You're trying to help me! About meeting some great guy - seriously, I've got decades to live (and perhaps find a true gentleman). Right now I want to be free to just live independently. I'm remembering what it was like when you didn't have to negotiate your life. When you just did as you pleased. I'm looking forward to that freedom. 

A strange strength and conviction has come over me. I am done with him. But again, what's best for me is to end this all as smoothly as possible. I don't want to live with guilt or to know that I could have been kinder in ending it. 

I appreciate your advice. But I am going to pull the plug on our marriage carefully, and loving him no matter his weakness. He is a human being. He is messed up. I won't stomp on him. But now I am in control. That's the difference.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

No, you don't have to crush him but like alcoholics he probably will never change until he hits rock bottom. Helping him hit bottom gently won't really help him.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> No, you don't have to crush him but like alcoholics he probably will never change until he hits rock bottom. Helping him hit bottom gently won't really help him.


But it will help me.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Good luck. Glad to see you're realizing you have to move on for your own sake. It's good to be cordial with your husband and I realize you care about him but if you plan on moving on I wouldn't even try the "We can still be friends" approach or try to help him through his issues. That's most likely just going to continue to enable him and make it harder for you to take the steps necessary to detach. 

You'll be open to manipulation on his part and it sounds like he knows how to use it effectively on you. I know you feel resolve at the moment but your feelings are going to go back and forth as time progresses and this draws out.

Also I'm a bit curious why you can't kick him out. Does he not have a job or income to support himself? He can't look for his own place or move out?? I ask because I have a friend in this situation where his cheating ex-girlfriend is still living with him rent free for over 3 months now after being caught cheating on him because he seems to think the earth will somehow swallow her whole and she'll drown in eternal hellfire if he sends her packing, even though she has options if he did. And despite the fact they're broken up her just staying there and living with him is making it much harder for him to move on with his life. I'm realizing he's pretty co-dependant on her even though he doesn't seem to realize it.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Hi Jasel,

Our situation is complicated in that this is not his home country. It's hard enough to get apartments where we live with our income put together. He does work. We both earn about the same. He's also not able to receive services from our government since he's not a citizen. We only have one car in both our names.

He can't even fill out paperwork on his own. He's very smart but his English is not there. Actually he only has an education through 9th grade because his family needed him to work - though honestly he is just as smart as me IQ-wise.

The language barrier and nationality issue along with low income (relative to housing costs here) make living separate very very difficult. I don't have time to help him find another place that will accept much lower income and his not having a credit history and all the complications that come with him not being from here. When I finish this first year of grad school, I'll help him. I don't want to sacrifice my studies right now.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Wow that sounds like my friend's ex. Doesn't have a high paying job, lives rent free off the money HE makes, has no family in the State, atm besides going back home to (which she _could _do her mother would take her back no problem) she has nowhere to go, couldn't afford to keep living in Chicago on her own, yet she goes and cheats on the guy who puts a roof over her head and didn't seem to give a thought to the consequences of cheating on him (not that he ever laid any down after she got caught anyway). On top of being selfish some people have no common sense.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Wow that sounds like my friend's ex. Doesn't have a high paying job, lives rent free off the money HE makes, has no family in the State, atm besides going back home to (which she _could _do her mother would take her back no problem) she has nowhere to go, couldn't afford to keep living in Chicago on her own, yet she goes and cheats on the guy who puts a roof over her head and didn't seem to give a thought to the consequences of cheating on him (not that he ever laid any down after she got caught anyway). On top of being selfish some people have no common sense.


Some differences: 

First, we are both paying rent. I'm not supporting him. We are both equally supporting our lives. He works very hard. He also does more cleaning and housework than me since I am loaded with school work and he knows I'm having a hard time. He's a sex addict but not a complete prick using me. 

Second, he has ZERO family here. If his family was here, yes I would make him go stay with his family. It's much more complicated because of him moving to the USA to be with me.

To be clear, he will be moving out. I just need to get through this term of grad school before I put my full energy into making that happen.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

totallyunexpected said:


> Some differences:
> 
> First, we are both paying rent. I'm not supporting him. We are both equally supporting our lives. He works very hard. He also does more cleaning and housework than me since I am loaded with school work and he knows I'm having a hard time. He's a sex addict but not a complete prick using me.
> 
> ...


What you're doing is more than fair, in my opinion. And probably more than he deserves. He made a decision to cheat on you all over the place, and multiple times. HE made the decision to cheat, impacting your relationship, you, his mother, etc. 

And I say this as someone who cheated, not as someone who has been hurt by someone else's actions. 

I'm sorry that you are being hurt so badly by someone you cared about. I am concerned by your actions, though... You may want to do some reading on co-dependency, if you haven't already. I'd hate to see this situation repeat later in your life. I'm not saying that you have a problem with it, but suggesting that you look at yourself and your personality.

C


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry totallyunexpected.

I am sure your decision to quit is very right.

Don't cave in. He is not worthy of it.

Save yourself.

Prayers.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

totallyunexpected said:


> Some differences:
> 
> First, we are both paying rent. I'm not supporting him. We are both equally supporting our lives. He works very hard. He also does more cleaning and housework than me since I am loaded with school work and he knows I'm having a hard time. He's a sex addict but not a complete prick using me.
> 
> ...


Ya your situation is definetely more complicated. Hope it works out.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I feel silly. I thought by codependency it was meant that I was dependent on him - which I scoff at because I'm very independent in spirit. 

But then on PBear's suggestion I am reading up on this. It might be me. Still not sure. I'm reading wikipedia on it right now. If you have a great description of it or website, please share. Thanks.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

There's a book "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. If you find time to do some reading, it might be of interest to you. 

Codependent No More - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

C


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

TU,

I don't know how you married this guy. By the way, I did not read your "towel" thread.

I am sure women are real good at selecting spouses. Going by the poise, tenor of your posts, I am even more surprised.

Good riddance, thank God!


----------



## rebeccarawks (Mar 9, 2013)

Wow... your story sound eerily familiar. We have kids though. I felt at peace with my decision too until he started pulling the 180 on me and then I felt desperste to have him back. I have an appt with IC next week to try to address that issue. You may want to look into that for yourself. There is likely some underlying root that allowed you to be victimized by him. It is easy to say it wont happen again but statistics do show that there are patterns. Hang in there!


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

He is really really good at making me responsible for helping him. I confronted with the latest evidence, but really the only thing that I can prove which he didn't tell me before was that he began searching for prostitutes at the end of August. Before he made it sound like Octoberish though he never gave a precise date.

He still insists that he never actually had sex, that it was all curiosity online and that it only hit the phone stage the week that I checked his phone. Highly unlikely - no impossible. 

He also made it clear that if I leave him he will end his life. He has no family here. This is all so unfair. It really shows how selfish he is - putting me in the position to be forced to accept a life below what I deserve or guilt for him committing suicide. That is so horribly selfish. He says he's thinking about "us", but I continually remind him that it has really been about his survival. If it was about my pain he would have stopped hurting me when he first saw my heart broken and the flood of tears. If he really loved me, and put me first, he would set me free.

This bodes very poorly for any future. I don't want to live with someone who puts himself first time and again. I want to be done. I need to get through this Spring and my last term of grad school. The good news is he seems to be so affected like this that he is transformed and treating me soooo good and willing to talk endlessly about everything, to listen to all my questions and lamenting. That will help me find closure. That doesn't mean it changes "our" future. I am no longer envisioning myself forever with him. But I will enjoy receiving some very much deserved honest treatment.

Oh one more thing: He said he would rather lose his eye sight and go deaf than lose me. He said if that's what it takes he wants to go to the doctor and have them remove such capabilities so that he can't seek sexual gratification elsewhere. Tempting? 

Thanks to all for helping me keep perspective on this.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

TU,

Dont take his bull****. If you were so precious to him, why would he do online search for prostitutes?

Doesnt add up.

I think you should be firm. I think you should protect yourself first legally, take advise on this guy's moral blackmailing.

Take real care,
AU


----------



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

totallyunexpected said:


> OMG I don't ever want to date again! Seriously though, we aren't going to live together forever. This is a temporary situation until the summer. I'm NOT going to be dating in the near future. I am repulsed by men right now!


Boy, do I understand this feeling. My D-day was 10 days ago. Last night I went out with a girl friend. I got attention, which was nice, I danced with a guy, kissed another guy, but it felt so very very wrong. I felt repulsed.

Hopefully one day we will both meet lovely men who will not cheat on us.

Don't give in to his emotional blackmail. If he wants to commit suicide or gouge out his eyes, let him. It's NOT your fault. It's his fault for being a dirty cheating [email protected] Do NOT take any blame for his behaviour.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

totallyunexpected said:


> Hi Badbane,
> 
> Thank you too for your comment. Right now, I feel so different. I feel a total resolve and calmness about ending our relationship. I just need to do it as smoothly as possible and without ruining my studies. If we had enough money to live separately and more than one car, I would make him move out.
> 
> I guess I don't think I need to rush because I feel strong enough to emotionally distance myself while being in one apartment. *Practically, it is easier for us to coexist like roommates UNTIL summer (late May) when I have time and energy to focus on helping him have a safe landing (somewhere else)*.


You do understand that the whole time your still living together, he's going to be pulling at you heart-strings, right. Looking for "one last chance". Be prepared for this...


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Yes, I understand that he will be pulling at my heart-strings. He has been doing that already, and indeed it has been nice! That said, I have emotionally distanced myself from him and made it clear that I don't want to have sex with him at all in the near future (months from now). I have no desire for sex anyway. Even his affectionate gestures don't feel the same. He is actually sincere right now, but I still feel it's all a fraud. That it's all for "us" as in his interest in "us" existing. To be fair, he is trying sooo hard to make me happy and he is being remorseful like never ever before. It's weird and nice.

BUT - I am already cold. He was too late. In fact, I don't even care to check his history or to see if he is lying. I don't care that he is being honest at this point. That paranoia been replaced by indifference. I am checked out mentally. I am done. I don't think of him and me as "us" anymore but rather he is he and I am me and "we" are not meant to be.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> Hi Badbane,
> 
> Thank you too for your comment. Right now, I feel so different. I feel a total resolve and calmness about ending our relationship. I just need to do it as smoothly as possible and without ruining my studies.


You state your position calmly, but firmly, and say that there is no discussion. 

Manipulative people will always try to snare you into a discussion, ask you to justify, put on the act of being so hurt, try to "reason" with you. Do not even begin. The only type of answer for you is "that is my decision". Walk away. 

If he hounds you then you have to leave to study at the library or lock yourself in your room, but do not engage. Ideally if you have to live in the same apartment then create a refuge for yourself where he can't get to you. They try to wear you down in order to make you vulnerable to their manipulation so the best defense is that place of refuge.


----------



## march16 (Mar 16, 2013)

Please be careful, i think you should have your sister with you when you start the process of letting him know it is over. You will never be able to concentrate on your studies if you have him in your apartment moping about, If you are too kind a soul to kick him out, maybe you should consider staying with a friend or family for a few weeks, giving him a time frame to be out of your life. Your personal safety and future are the most important things now. Take care.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

> There is NO WAY that someone has been searching this thoroughly and repeatedly over a period of time and not have actually carried it through. I know without a doubt (and before I was 90% sure that it had to have gone physical) that he has been sleeping around on me, not just intending to do so.
> 
> Worse. OMG, how many prostitutes has he had sex with???? I am so disgusted. I better get ANOTHER std test. I tested in January. You know, I'm going to make sure he gets tested this time. I'm so disgusted for having had sex with him since all of this. Now I am done, no more sex.


Okay. I am going to say some things you don't want to hear. But you need to understand (some) men better.

If you checked my online history, you'd find about a bazillion hits on Thai 'bars'. Bars which have a number of girls who seem to not to be able to afford many clothes, if you catch my drift. Girls who also aren't amiss to going out to have 'dinner' with an eligable (well heeled) gentleman...or man...or vaguely male like figure. Age, attractiveness, health, and hygiene only have an issue on the price of dinner.

I even followed a link to this little service which would provide a limo, a 'personal assistant' to pick you up straight from the airport and take you to a first class hotel room to avoid the stresses of having to actually go bar hopping for 'friends'. Photos and services fully described.

And I have no incentive to lie. Your opinion of me doesn't matter one whit. I never slept with a one of them. Not one.

So why? Curiousity. Fantasy. Seeing how other people did things. Tittilation. Poor boundaries (I am working on that)

I've even gone to the bars. Mostly I got drunk and bored.

But...I never CALLED anyone. Wander in, see the talent...wander out. Sort of like a strip club (Life decision...I am NEVER doing that again! I feel rather dirty about the whole thing...but I am glad I experienced it just to get it out of my system. I have ZERO curiosity about the bar lifestyle anymore)

So it's possible he is telling the truth...but phone calls...

I think you are doing the right thing. Your absolute certainty is probably 90% certainty, but you don't want to live with the UNcertainty.

I get that and I applaud you for making the seperation as painless for both of you and as logistically smart as possible.

He's abused your trust and has a problem. That's fine. He crossed the line too many times.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

march16 said:


> Please be careful, i think you should have your sister with you when you start the process of letting him know it is over. You will never be able to concentrate on your studies if you have him in your apartment moping about, If you are too kind a soul to kick him out, maybe you should consider staying with a friend or family for a few weeks, giving him a time frame to be out of your life. Your personal safety and future are the most important things now. Take care.


Thanks for your concern! Unfortunately, my parents and sister are in another state. I only moved here this fall and I don't have anyone that I trust THAT well here. :-(

But really I can manage fine. My soul has grown cold. But I still love him AS A PERSON (i.e. not as a lover). Oh well. Life. I'm too young to feel this damn old.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

JCD said:


> Okay. I am going to say some things you don't want to hear. But you need to understand (some) men better.
> 
> If you checked my online history, you'd find about a bazillion hits on Thai 'bars'. Bars which have a number of girls who seem to not to be able to afford many clothes, if you catch my drift. Girls who also aren't amiss to going out to have 'dinner' with an eligable (well heeled) gentleman...or man...or vaguely male like figure. Age, attractiveness, health, and hygiene only have an issue on the price of dinner.
> 
> ...


JCD,

Thanks for offering your perspective. I imagine you are the minority. He is adamant about not having had sex or done anything physical with these girls. Again and again, he asks frustrated "how can I prove that I didn't do something that I didn't do?" It doesn't really matter. The intent was there. The phone call. Moreover AFTER having seen my pain searching strip clubs AGAIN.

I'm not sure if he "gets" my pain or not. Maybe he does but somehow thinks that the solution is not to stop what he is doing but instead to be sneakier about it. I'm pretty sure he is on a temporary break at least. But the uncertainty about the future really does it for me. I made a lot of sacrifices for him, and really I know he won't find anyone as good as me (in the USA who loves his culture and we get along so well etc). It makes me feel more pity for him. He is messing up his life as well as mine.

Thanks to you all for keeping this thread alive. Today I keep daydreaming in a blah-way. It's like I'm thinking about something and yet nothing. I feel this distant confusion but specific thoughts are not running in my mind. I'm just thankful that we are not messing up some kid's happy life. I'm now at the age where I guess we are supposed to endure pain in order to experience life.


----------



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

> Maybe he does but somehow thinks that the solution is not to stop what he is doing but instead to be sneakier about it.


And that's your problem right there.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Robsia said:


> And that's your problem right there.


I agree.

Part of my curiosity is coming from a VERY sheltered childhood (though it might also be part of his problem)

Whether he did it or not is irrelevant. What matters is how YOU see it and if it is acceptable. Obviously, in your case it is not.

So there is no need for any guilt. He's had three chances. You need offer no more.

I just wanted to convey that curious and active are two seperate things. And I admit it isn't a good thing *I* have done either...but it is far less a sin than you would think on the surface.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Update:

A couple weeks have passed since I last updated you all on my situation.

Since Dday #3 (2.5 weeks ago) my WH has been remarkably remorseful. The saying that (in cases of infidelity) you have to be ready to lose your marriage in order to save it is confirmed in my case - not that it is saved yet. I had printed the divorce papers, and I was ready to be done. He fell apart and begged and begged and pleaded with me. 

Since then, he has changed so much. It's sad that the only thing that will change a cheater is their own pain. My pain had no influence on his behavior, but when he realized he was about to lose it all, suddenly he has the strength to change.

Honestly, he has been really wonderful. Sadly, I have been so cold. He might as well be affectionate with a cold brick wall. I'm so numb that I don't feel a thing emotionally other than confusion and uncertainty. But intellectually I recognize all his behavioral changes.

We had a very lovely evening. I was feeling depressed in that vague, limbo-ish way. He talked to me about it, and he apologized sincerely for being the reason that I am in such a depressive state and unable to study properly. It was change to have him willingly help me and talk to me, rather than me pulling teeth to get him to feel major remorse.

It's much easier to write about the bad stuff. But honestly since Dday 3 he has done everything right. In some ways, I wish he would mess up. At first I didn't care, but then I started checking again (google web history which I activated on his account)... And it was like I was disappointed to not find anything. It's as if I want him to mess up so that I can be done.

Yet I don't want that. I know. I just want to escape the mess I am in. And it seems like divorce would be that escape. Yet if things are salvageable I of course want us to stay together. I just don't know if it is worth the risk - the possibility of a future of heartbreak. How strong is he really? Will he be strong a year from now, five years, twenty?

I've detached from him significantly but he is doing all the things a remorseful husband should be doing, and that makes my heart hold onto the string, however thread bare it is.

Thanks for your support along the way. I fear happiness is far off. But the pain is so much duller than a few months ago. So I guess I'm alright.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Good to hear that.

However, be on the guard. Treat your wounds first. Take a good care of yourself.

Maybe the affair has gone very deep underground and your tools of verification are now known....

That's why be vigilant.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I feel the urge to update my story again, as I near a month from my last (and hopefully final) Dday (#3).

Two things are defining my assessment of me:

1. I feel this affair has sucked the very life out of me. I am so depressed and unable to shake out of it no matter how good external factors may be.

2. My husband is behaving like a truly remorseful person and trying his best to save me!


So I waver between not caring about my existence and then seeing how much my husband is trying and wondering why my emotional state is lagging so far behind is efforts.

I am now able to have a picture of him and my dog cuddling on the back screen of my phone. If he weren't doing everything I needed, I would not be able to do that. Before I really did not need any more reminders about his existence. The photo helps me to build positive associations because I really love how he is with our sweet dog.

At times I feel that I am desperate to "catch him" doing the wrong things - being defensive, searching for thrills, etc. But nope! He is doing everything right. Bizarre. 

While I still maintain that most cheaters do not "get" the pain they cause their partner until they themselves are in pain and are suffering the reality of losing the cheatee, I also believe that their capacity to empathize may increase after that point. I'm not sure how it works, but at least it's what I am observing with my husband.


----------

