# Help - Pull Away or "Man Up" and "Fight"



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

For the first time I really feel like I need a break from everything about my wife.

Lately she has been trying to get closer to me, but it seems she only wants to do this on HER terms. For example, checking her iPhone every 15 minutes on the rare occaisions we actually spend time together. She knows I'd prefer that she actually be with me than to fiddle with that damn thing, and of course it makes me wonder who or what she is so invested in that she can't leave it alone for any length of time.

Am I risking anything by pushing for very limited contact at a time when she seems to want to get closer?

Some things I read tell me that I should "Man Up", show her I'm willing to Fight For Her and that I should try to sweep her off her feet.

Big problem - I'm still angry, and I'm just not sure I want to "Stand up" and "Fight" for her right now. I'm not sure if she's worth it.

So - my question - *am I wrong to push for more time apart at a time when she seems to want to become closer?*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If she's having an affair, it doesn't matter what you do, until the affair is dealt with. _Everything_ that happens during the time she's having the affair is a lie, is veiled with crap, is distorted. Any decisions made during that time should not be invested in.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I would NEVER tolerate that phone nonesense - it is a very non-verbal message that you aren't very important or worthy of respect. So my message would be - if you want to spend time together I need to know with absolute certainty that you have ended your other relationship with the other guy. And I need to know that until I say otherwise you will give me TOTAL access to any phone/email account with no resistance at all. 

AND you need to know that the phone will go in her pocket and stay there while you two are together. If she calls that controlling - turn it around - she needs to now show you that YOU are the most important adult in her life. If she can't, move on. 




nice777guy said:


> For the first time I really feel like I need a break from everything about my wife.
> 
> Lately she has been trying to get closer to me, but it seems she only wants to do this on HER terms. For example, checking her iPhone every 15 minutes on the rare occaisions we actually spend time together. She knows I'd prefer that she actually be with me than to fiddle with that damn thing, and of course it makes me wonder who or what she is so invested in that she can't leave it alone for any length of time.
> 
> ...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't "think" the EA has continued - I "think" it has ended - but at this point I'm no longer playing Sherlock Holmes.

I don't know who she was texting - could have been a new girlfriend. Could have been the pope. Maybe she has a new spiritual advisor - I'm not asking questions.

So far MEM and Squirsh seem to be saying move on - so I guess that means creating more space is a non issue.

Turn - IF I have no reason to think the EA has continued - any issues with demanding space? Hell - we are in a Trial Sep! But we were supposed to try dating a bit - try to have some good times with very limited interaction.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nice,
You are missing my point. During a date - it doesn't matter who she is texting - if she cannot totally focus on you and only you then YOU are wasting your time with HER. She should be trying to make up to you for the EA. Instead she is partially ignoring you on your very infrequent dates together. WHY would you tolerate that. 

Me - in a friendly voice would say. Hey I don't want to keep you from what is clearly a more important interaction then we are having. And then get up to leave - and unless you get an instant apology and she puts the phone away - just shrug and walk and that should be your last date unless SHE comes to you to make up and promise to leave the phone in her pocket while on a date with you. This really isn't hard. Do you really think SHE would be ok if you did that texting/phone thing to her? Cause I really doubt it. 

This is not being alpha - just assertive. And when I do this type stuff I rarely radiate anger - just determination. If you do A I will do B. Simple easy logic. No wasted energy or emotion. 

You have TRAINED her not to respect you. Now you have to UNTRAIN her......



nice777guy said:


> I don't "think" the EA has continued - I "think" it has ended - but at this point I'm no longer playing Sherlock Holmes.
> 
> I don't know who she was texting - could have been a new girlfriend. Could have been the pope. Maybe she has a new spiritual advisor - I'm not asking questions.
> 
> ...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

MEM - got it - but at this point the date is over. If we have another date, and she is too invested in her phone, I will try your approach. If she won't put her toy away, I'll end the date early.

I understand and agree with your approach - for future reference.

What about my question - does asking for or demanding more space put the relationship at risk if she wants to be closer?

At this point, I feel like I'm entitled to all the damn space I want, and it seems like she wants our time together to be on HER terms, so why should I care? But that goes against the "she wants to see you fighting for her" approach.

I feel overloaded and overwhelmed with advice, clues, etc., I just need a break.

I think I know the answer (take a damn break), but I've thought I knew before and then read something on here that convinced me I'm clueless more often than I'd like to admit.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sorry - I get it - I was not answering your question. Now I will try to do so. First of all, you should not be fighting for her. Remember part of the reason she got bored, hunted another man (and yes it is hunting - women are just as good at it as men) is you are too nice. Part of being TOO nice is trying to solve HER problems for her. So - if you want to test HER commitment level - then you let HER come over and cook you a nice dinner and give you a nice back massage. And I am not being funny/joking/sarcastic. 

I would simply say - "if you really miss me - you can come over and cook me dinner and afterwards we can talk while you give me a killer back massage". If she says "yeah right" then you have your answer. If she isn't willing to fight for YOU at this point then you cannot make this work. 

Sometimes - deep sigh - this stuff works out and sometimes you have to start over with someone new. Your wife is currently trained to walk over you. So actively train her by telling her the price of access is she has to do for you. 




nice777guy said:


> MEM - got it - but at this point the date is over. If we have another date, and she is too invested in her phone, I will try your approach. If she won't put her toy away, I'll end the date early.
> 
> I understand and agree with your approach - for future reference.
> 
> ...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Thanks MEM. Once again, appreciate the thought, but feel the timing is off. At this point - I can fix my own dinner, and would rather pay for a massage.

Maybe I'll give her that opportunity next week.

At this point I need space - and if she can't respect that, I have my answer.

Actually, I think I am taking your advice - I'm just not asking for a massage and dinner.

Somebody out there - just let me know if I'm missing something.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the method I learned, which has worked miracles on many, many people:

You learn what YOU do that she doesn't like (Love Busters), and you stop doing them, period. You stop poking holes in her Love Bucket with the LBs.

You learn what her top Emotional Needs are, and you MEET them. You make sure she isn't getting her need for conversation met by some 'friend.' You make sure her need for financial stability is met by paying all the bills and saving up for a great vacation. Stuff like that. These ENs that you meet for her fill her Love Bucket. Hopefully by now, there are no LBs poking more holes in the bucket so that all the good work you do meeting ENs doesn't go draining out all the holes.

You do these things to improve yourself, not just for show (she'll know). YOU become a better person. 

You take steps to spend 15 hours a week together doing non-work or 'have to' stuff. That means at least an hour a night, and at least 5 hours on the weekend. Together. Doing stuff like you did when you were dating. This is imperative. You have to get 'good' feelings when you spend time together so that she associates you with 'good' feelings and wants to be around you more, to get more 'good' feelings. Jigsaw puzzles, washing the dog, taking a hike, window shopping...whatever, just spend time with her!

It sounds easy, but in your situation, you are having to do all this FOR her, while not expecting anything in return. At least for now. This is a psychological game you're playing. You can't MAKE her want to be with you. But you _can_ make being with you so enjoyable that she comes to prefer it over anything else.

Think of the husband whose wife nags at him all the time; after awhile, he'll find reasons not to come home. Home means nagging. Work means admiration and success. 

Make YOU be her definition of admiration, success, and whatever else her top Emotional Needs are, and make sure there aren't any LBs going on. 

If she really loves you, this will bring her closer to you so she'll want to put that phone down, cos you are a better option.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Turn - my mind seems to be at war with itself. I feel in no shape and have no desire to meet anyone else's needs.

Once again - a good suggestion - and I looked at the Lovebusters survey last night after you suggested it yesterday. Maybe next week.

If I ask for space (an odd thing to do while separated) - and she truly loves me - then no problems.

If I have this wrong, please let me know.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> Somebody out there - just let me know if I'm missing something.


Nope. You are balls on. Actually, I'm not sure I fully understand your fear. I'm assuming that you feel that such a decision could jeopardize an opportunity to reconcile or undo any progress the two of you have made?

Here is the really important piece; the two of you haven't made any progress.

There is still no balance. No change in the dynamic of how the two of you interact. No sense of ownership on her part. She wants you to do that and she believes that you will oblige. Your marriage simply cannot work as it stands.

Taking a break, I believe is your best choice, as I indicated in the other thread.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's such a thing as staying around a wayward spouse too long. If you give and give, and get nothing in return, you fall out of love. At marriagebuilders, they have what they call Plan A (what I just described) and Plan B. They recommend Plan B when you reach the point that _you_ seem to have reached - no feelings, or worse. The purpose of Plan B is to preserve what love you DO have left, before you literally can't stand that person any more.

Basically, it means separating, and leaving or giving them (depending on who's moving out) a love letter of sorts. It tells the wayward spouse what YOU would require to be in a relationship with them again. But it states that, without those things, you simply have to distance yourself to keep from growing to hate that person for not Giving you any love in return. In Plan B, you cut off ALL communication. If you have kids, it means finding someone to help hand off the kids for visitation. If you have to interact for finances or whatnot, it means finding an intermediary to pass messages. If the spouse is still actively in an affair, it means that the intermediary filters ALL knowledge about the affair so you don't have to deal with it; and also all 'emotional' baggage and other BS, so that you can recover from the abuse you've endured.

Sometimes, it has the effect of being a huge wakeup call to the wayward spouse, and they come back and agree to what you need. Sometimes it doesn't, and you separate for good. So it's only recommended when you feel you've been too beaten down to continue.

You might want to consider it.


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