# Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax...Hopefully, on the mend



## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

*Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax...Hopefully, On the Mend*

* Please see my replies to comments on pages 1 and 2 for further insights.*

I have been married for 4 years, together for 9 years and we have 2 year old baby girl. I had a very solid relationship with my husband. I never though infidelity would be an issue or that I would the wayward spouse. After I had my baby, I went through horrible PPD. I lost interest in my husband sexually but I thought my libido was down overall. After all it wasn't like I was looking at other men. In fact, I wasn't interested in sex at all. 

Until I met a man in January 2016. I met him during a class I was taking (real estate). He was all types of wrong but there was instant chemistry. I couldn't contain it. He was 10 years older than me, divorced with 2 teengagers and a live-in gf/baby mama with a baby about my baby's age. I never slept with him and physically we didn't do much but kiss but what I did was way worse. I fell in love with him and gave my heart to him. The last time we saw each other was in May 2016. I found out through a 3rd source that his gf was pregnant (the whole time) and it was just what I needed to stop the day to day affair. The affair did end but he have had conversations by text since. 

My whole world was flipped up side down. Everything I thought I stood for I didn't. I started taking Xanax to cope, to numb (would buy from a friend). It quickly evolved into an addiction. I just felt so much darkness and confusion. The guilt, the heartbreak, the love, the obsession, the guilt again, the toll of sin. I withered into nothing, I wasn't eating (I got to 5'3 and 97 pounds.) Most days I was catatonic. Do you know what its like to not really be anywhere?

I started seeking help in August and as of December I have begun to recuperate. I deleted Whatsapp, I took a look at what I needed to fix in my marriage, I went through intense Xanax withdrawals ( From 2, 2mgs a day to 1,1mg a day) still working day by day on getting sober. I pray everyday to god to rid me of the lust I carry in my heart. I went to confession. I pray hard everyday for peace to be able to love my husband as I once did. I have made bad choices and I have paid. I am still paying. I am in pain everyday. I am trying to create better habits; I stop biting my nails, drinking, started working out. 

The OM texts me every now and then. I mostly don't respond. But I cant bring myself to block him completely. He texted me yesterday about a mutual friend. Every time he texts me my heart stops and I feel weary creep back in. I know the next steps is to shut off all communications but idk why I can bring myself to block him completely. I leave a window open. I remember yesterday just thinking I wanted to take a Xanax. I feel unease. [EDIT: As of this afternoon, I blocked his number]

The truth is that I love my husband but I am not "in love" with him. I feel a yearning in my heart. I feel like something broke inside of me when I had my precious girl. I am crying just writing this. I don't want to break up my marriage (although I have), I don't want a divorce. All I want is to love my husband the way a wife should. I don't want another. If I cant make it love work with my husband then I cant make it work with anyone. I wouldn't wish this torment upon my worse enemy. In many ways I feel damned. Like I betrayed my beloved. The man god sent for me. I took that apple. I know I must sound super religious. I have never been but god is the only thing I have.

I am looking for help. Has anyone been in my shoes? How did you stay strong? Do you have a mantra. I am just trying to put the pieces back together.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

A lot of people will go into detail about what you need, but it's obvious you need counseling. Start it immediately. You also need to block this guy. Look, you'll probably have to let your husband go free, because if you aren't in love with him, but do love him, then that should be a sign to you that you have to let him go and find a woman who will be there for him, will love and cherish him, which you do not. Get into therapy, try to get your head together and forget this guy, he is a symptom, not the problem.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

loosingsleep90 said:


> I have been married for 4 years, together for 9 years and we have 2 year old baby girl. I had a very solid relationship with my husband. I never though infidelity would be an issue or that I would the wayward spouse. After I have my baby, I went through horrible PPD. I lost interest in my husband sexually but I thought my libido was down overall. After all it wasn't like I was looking at other men. In fact, I wasn't interested in sex at all.
> 
> Until I met a man in January 2016. I met him during a class I was taking (real estate). He was all types of wrong but there was instant chemistry. I couldn't contain it. He was 10 years older than me, divorced with 2 teengagers and a live-in gf/baby mama with a baby about my babie's age. I never slept with him and physically we didn't do much but kiss but what I did was way worse. I fell in love with him and gave my heart to him. The last time we saw each other was in May 2016. I found out through a 3rd source that his gf was pregnant (the whole time) and it was just what I needed to stop the day to day affair. The affair did end but he have had conversations by text since.
> 
> ...


Tell your husband the truth.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

loosingsleep90 said:


> The truth is that I love my husband but I am not "in love" with him. I feel a yearning in my heart. I feel like something broke inside of me when I had my precious girl. I am crying just writing this. I don't want to break up my marriage (although I have), I don't want a divorce. All I want is to love my husband the way a wife should. I don't want another. If I cant make it love work with my husband then I cant make it work with anyone. I wouldn't wish this torment upon my worse enemy. In many ways I feel damned. Like I betrayed my beloved. The man god sent for me. I took that apple. I know I must sound super religious. I have never been but god is the only thing I have.
> 
> I am looking for help. Has anyone been in my shoes? How did you stay strong? Do you have a mantra. I am just trying to put the pieces back together.


This first sentence is the most important. Your husband deserves someone in love with him that will live an authentic life with and for him. Your child's father deserves to have a person who will treat him honorably. She needs to see honesty modeled so that she doesn't end up making the same mistakes you did. You deserve to live your life with honor again. The Christian thing to do, is to tell the truth. Tell him.

Yes your marriage may be over but your life won't be. Right now you are in a horrible state of limbo and every day you don't tell him you are betraying him and your daughter. It is continuing a lie or lying every day. And yes that is a sin, a sin that just compounds your grievous sin you committed against your husband. You know that that is why you say "I betrayed my beloved. The man god sent for me. I took that apple." I couldn't describe better what you did.

Part of true repentance is making amends to the ones you have hurt, you have hurt your husband and daughter deeply by your actions even if they don't know it yet. You need to do the right thing. Take your medicine and start to truly heal. Part of the pain is you have lost the agency in your life, that is what cheating does to you. That is what keeping this lie has done to you. It has made you a slave to your sin. Confession is the beginning of freedom. It will be painful and your husband will hurt much worse than you I believe, seeing his hurt will probably hurt you as well, but God will bring it to light anyway. He is not going to let your husband who has done you no wrong live his life like this forever. Better that you use the act of telling him as a kind of first penance. 

After that, you probably need to get some serious IC. It is doubtful that you should be married to anyone right now. You need to fix yourself first.

Though I am very down on what you did, I want to encourage you that there is still hope for your life. There is always hope, but you have to change because your actions now will only lead to more pain in your life. There really is no hope if you continue to live in dishonesty. 

Romans 5:2-7


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

loosingsleep90 said:


> The truth is that I love my husband but I am not "in love" with him. I feel a yearning in my heart. I feel like something broke inside of me when I had my precious girl. I am crying just writing this. I don't want to break up my marriage (although I have), I don't want a divorce. All I want is to love my husband the way a wife should. I don't want another. If I cant make it love work with my husband then I cant make it work with anyone. I wouldn't wish this torment upon my worse enemy. In many ways I feel damned.* Like I betrayed my beloved.* The man god sent for me. I took that apple. I know I must sound super religious. I have never been but god is the only thing I have.


Does your husband know? Does he know about the affair and the addiction? If he doesn't - what he is probably going through is far worse then you. i feel for him not you because you did this to yourself. He has you to thank for his issues.

Its not 'like' you betrayed your beloved. you DID betray your husband.

get to counselling and tell your poor husband. The staying married decision is just as much his as it is yours.


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## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

I didn't mean "like" as adjective...I used it as filler. I did betray him. I wont deny that. 

My husband is a staunch, orthodox catholic. He says divorce is not an option because our marriage is consecrated in the eyes of the church. 

So, I bring him into this world of pain?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Your not in a good place right now, both mentally and physically, you need need therapy, and you need couple counseling as well, but you need to do things in stages...i am glad you blocked the OM, but you need to purge yourself of him completely, meaning anything he gave you, anything he sent you ...everything you need to wipe him out of your life...for now i would work with an individual counselor, you need to fix yourself before you can fix your relationship, but when that time comes then you will need to share this with your husband....but in the mean time, start going out on dates with your husband, noting stressful, simple walks, no distraction.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

loosingsleep90 said:


> I didn't mean "like" as adjective...I used it as filler. I did betray him. I wont deny that.
> 
> My husband is a staunch, orthodox catholic. He says divorce is not an option because our marriage is consecrated in the eyes of the church.
> 
> So, I bring him into this world of pain?


He may change his stance. The biblical stance is very clear you are allowed to divorce due to infidelity. At this point, my opinion is if you don't love him you should divorce him. It's not a sin because you have already created the conditions for a biblical divorce and it is kind of a mercy kill. 

Matthew 19:9

And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality,[a] and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.

You committed sexual immorality so he can divorce. Some Catholics don't see it this way though. But when did any Church really follow the Bible. 

No matter what everyone agrees, the biblical thing to do is to tell the truth. He will find out. Lies don't stay hidden forever, and if you live 20 years like this and then he finds out, the betrayal will be that much worse because it will feel to him like 20 years where he was also cheated out of making the choice to stay. At least if he chooses to stay however misinformed it will be his choice, his agency. 

Read this, this is what you are possibly condemning him to


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## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

Would it be "sexual immorality" since we never had sex? I am not saying I did not betray our vows or I didn't cheat. But what exactly constitutes "sexual immorality?"


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## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

Xenote said:


> Your not in a good place right now, both mentally and physically, you need need therapy, and you need couple counseling as well, but you need to do things in stages...i am glad you blocked the OM, but you need to purge yourself of him completely, meaning anything he gave you, anything he sent you ...everything you need to wipe him out of your life...for now i would work with an individual counselor, you need to fix yourself before you can fix your relationship, but when that time comes then you will need to share this with your husband....but in the mean time, start going out on dates with your husband, noting stressful, simple walks, no distraction.


Hi thank you for your response. 

I have, as of today, completely purged him. 

I have shared with my husband my feelings towards him. He has been trying and we both have been trying as you said to start going out on dates. We actually are doing a second get away weekend this weekend.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

loosingsleep90 said:


> Hi thank you for your response.
> 
> I have, as of today, completely purged him.
> 
> I have shared with my husband my feelings towards him. He has been trying and we both have been trying as you said to start going out on dates. We actually are doing a second get away weekend this weekend.



Remember, you need to take this one step at a time, and you need to realize that anything worth doing, and worth having takes time and will have set backs, when that happens you need to refocus and move ahead....i am going to tell you something, the OM is a leech, you are nothing but a notch on his belt, eventually he will move on to another woman if hasn't already.......you can't trust him, but.....the real hero, is the man you have at home, the man that trust you, the man that has your back, the man who loves his family, he may not currently sway your heart, but you can feel safe in his arms, you know he is looking out for his family well being, and probably the man who would lay down his life for both of you....i would bet anything that OM would run for the hills, that is what ****roaches do. Keep that in mind


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

So between 5 and 6:49 you deleted all MOM contact info and told your husband?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

loosingsleep90 said:


> I have been married for 4 years, together for 9 years and we have 2 year old baby girl. I had a very solid relationship with my husband. I never though infidelity would be an issue or that I would the wayward spouse. After I had my baby, I went through horrible PPD. I lost interest in my husband sexually but I thought my libido was down overall. After all it wasn't like I was looking at other men. In fact, I wasn't interested in sex at all.
> 
> Until I met a man in January 2016. I met him during a class I was taking (real estate). He was all types of wrong but there was instant chemistry. I couldn't contain it. He was 10 years older than me, divorced with 2 teengagers and a live-in gf/baby mama with a baby about my baby's age. I never slept with him and physically we didn't do much but kiss but what I did was way worse. I fell in love with him and gave my heart to him. The last time we saw each other was in May 2016. I found out through a 3rd source that his gf was pregnant (the whole time) and it was just what I needed to stop the day to day affair. The affair did end but he have had conversations by text since.
> 
> ...


Cut any and all contact w/ OM going forward. Do whatever you have to do -- changing phone numbers, changing email addresses, deleting social media accounts, etc -- to make that happen.

Confess the affair to your husband.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

loosingsleep90 said:


> Would it be "sexual immorality" since we never had sex? I am not saying I did not betray our vows or I didn't cheat. But what exactly constitutes "sexual immorality?"


That would be any sort of voluntary contact -- whether physical or not -- w/ any person other than your husband for whom you have sexual or romantic feelings, _especially_ if said contact a) furthers or fuels your relationship w/ this person and/or b) could conceivably lead to actual physical sexual infidelity.


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## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

JohnA said:


> So between 5 and 6:49 you deleted all MOM contact info and told your husband?


I know I am easy target to throw stones at because of my shameful choices. And, a year or so ago I would have judged me the same way you are. 

I didn't do anything between 5:00 and 6:49 p.m. today. All, I did was block his number. Believe me when I tell you that I have been trying to cut off contact with him since last June. Its been a process. It was a bad disease, an addiction. I started in June when I initially deleted him from all social media- he has never been added back. We barely spoke in the summer. Then he started sending me texts via whatsapp about once a month and a few times I texted him. I then had a big break when I officially deleted my Whatsapp. Then, he started texting my phone and now today I blocked him. His number I have memorized so I could always talk to him if I wanted too. Its making the choice not too or give him access to me. 

I am doing the best I can here to piece it back together. I have battled many demons in one year-many afflictions. This is the first time in 9 months or so, I feel I have a grasp back on my Xanax addiction. I am finally coming out of that. That was a big hurdle. Many people cant withdrawal read about benzo tapering. It's more psychological than withdrawing from opioid addiction. 

It's like that saying "I once was blind but now I see." I am slowly getting clarity.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think if you were absent your husband for a year or two and thought you'd lost him, AND couldn't find anyone else to occupy your mind, you'd probably feel much differently about your husband.
I don't know how to tell you to fall in love with him again. I don't even know that it's possible, although I like to hope that it is. 
What's a shame is that you're in love with a man that gets his unmarried gf pregnant while knowingly pursuing a relationship with you----- and yet you can STILL love something like him.
Your husband, you have no romantic feelings for..... 
I can see that you wish that weren't true, but it is.

I don't think you should make any rash decisions until you are certain your mind is clear and you are 100% your old self. 

I wish you luck. You really should try to find happiness in everyday things and get well. Perhaps then you can learn to love your husband again like a wife should.

I have to admit, I find it hard to believe you never had sex with the OM. I wonder if you just can't admit it, even to yourself. If you didn't, I think that's a positive thing.


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## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think if you were absent your husband for a year or two and thought you'd lost him, AND couldn't find anyone else to occupy your mind, you'd probably feel much differently about your husband.
> I don't know how to tell you to fall in love with him again. I don't even know that it's possible, although I like to hope that it is.
> What's a shame is that you're in love with a man that gets his unmarried gf pregnant while knowingly pursuing a relationship with you----- and yet you can STILL love something like him.
> Your husband, you have no romantic feelings for.....
> ...



Hi, 

Thank you for your thoughtful post. Trust me when I tell you that in took me almost half a year to admit to myself that I loved him. Because it was unreasonable. He was a bad man. He was good looking but out of shape. My husband has a beautiful face and physique. There was nothing about him that was better than my husband, nothing! I could not explain why I felt the way I did. And, why I didn't for my husband.

We didn't have sex because a combination of things and circumstances. One doesn't just go into an affair. Its a slow process; you start talking like friends (for example we started talking because of class, we were in a group together), then you start talking a little more, then he sends you a flirty text and you accept it. You think about it, its harmless flirting. Then you meet up for lunch under the pretenses of class. So you see, the whole time its like pool of muck. You start by dipping your toes and you end up completely in. 

There was one time I was having sex with my husband and thinking "could I really do this, bear myself, like this for another man?" Our time together was short. We didn't see each other much and when we did it was for 2 to 3 hrs. He wanted to set up a day where we would spend the day together, I just wasn't sure I could. I knew that I couldn't give him that because I wouldn't be able to go back. I felt too much for him and I couldn't give myself to him. I just couldn't. I already had give him too much and he had given me so little in return. 


I have been taking one day at a time. I have two jobs (coincidentally, 2016 was one of the worst years personally and one of the best professionally/financially), I work in Public Relations and Real Estate. Ever since I have been able to taper down to 1mg, my writing ability is back. I am able to structure thoughts and sentences concisely. That makes me happy. Seeing my daughter's face when I pick her up the afternoons, gives me life. I try everyday to talk to my husband. I read this article that says you can't simply stop thinking of someone but switch your thinking. I have been trying to think about when I fell in love with my husband and why. I am trying to fill my head with those memories.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Your answer as to how you deleted him was reasonable. Understand a great many here (including myself) are BS so we tend to be "prove it". 
I did not throw stones out you, I ask how you where able to delete him so quickly. You need to understand BS without being paranoid and as they listen they have a timeline building in there mind based on what is told them. When something may not fit they ask, when a ew element is introduced that normally be introduce earlier it is question and everthing on the timeline is evaluated, often new questions arise. All of which seems petty to WS or those who have never had a WS. Yet they are not. 

Trickle truth: biggest caused for a reconciliation to fail. The originally adultery destroys trust TT makes sure it is dead. There are more then a few threads when a stray piece of info slips out years later, in one case 40 years that causes the BS to realize they based their decsion on a lie. Yes the WS has been/become a great spouse but the reconciliation was based on a lie. Understand no matter how long ago it occured TT sets the clock back to day one. 

Get ready to fight for your marriage. Your husband may stay and never be happy again. My neighbors waited decades for one of them to die. Strict Roman Catholics and both ex-marines neither would give up. The last decade before she died they actually divided the house in three: his, her, neutral. How bad? They had taped off the refig in half! So get ready to fight. There sl more then a few posters here that have rebounded. But first believe in yourself and believe in your marriage. 

You should start by reading "Not Just Friends" by Dr shirely Glass. Search engine it and there are free copies on line. 

Love busters is spoken highly of.

Five love languages is a good tool to help each of you show love that the other will cherish. Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

Divorce busters has proven effective. Remember TT? A poster here used it get back her BH. He swore he was done, had filed and was looking at new housing. His wife like you swore it was an EA but with just kissing and some groping. Oops info slipped he was gone that day. Two weeks later he was in Nashville with a new woman for the weekend. 

Be kind to your husband and patient but do not allow him to abuse you verbally or emotional. Use counseling to build healthy boundaries. 

Be Well


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## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

JohnA said:


> Your answer as to how you deleted him was reasonable. Understand a great many here (including myself) are BS so we tend to be "prove it".
> I did not throw stones out you, I ask how you where able to delete him so quickly. You need to understand BS without being paranoid and as they listen they have a timeline building in there mind based on what is told them. When something may not fit they ask, when a ew element is introduced that normally be introduce earlier it is question and everthing on the timeline is evaluated, often new questions arise. All of which seems petty to WS or those who have never had a WS. Yet they are not.
> 
> Trickle truth: biggest caused for a reconciliation to fail. The originally adultery destroys trust TT makes sure it is dead. There are more then a few threads when a stray piece of info slips out years later, in one case 40 years that causes the BS to realize they based their decsion on a lie. Yes the WS has been/become a great spouse but the reconciliation was based on a lie. Understand no matter how long ago it occured TT sets the clock back to day one.
> ...


Thank you for your advice. Feel free to ask questions. If there seems to be missing pieces they were not intentionally omitted. It was for brevity. There is just so much I can fit in my OP before it gets too cumbersome that nobody would read. 

I keep thinking of myself at 18. It's almost like ominous psychic reading. You will find the love of your life, live happily, get married, bear a beautiful child and you will betray it all. You'll loose yourself and everything in the process. 

Did I know what I was doing? Yes. I knew what I was doing was wrong. Did I understand the life-long and painful implications of my actions? No, I never knew such darkness. 

I had never done such wrong. Never had I really understood the price of immortal sin. The true pain, the chains you create. That once it is done, there is no going back. You will never be the same person again. It changes you. It changes your soul. 

I keep telling myself what did I do to deserve that the birth of my beautiful daughter would mean the death of marriage. And yes, I felt that my romantic feelings for my husband dissipated after I had my child. But October 2015 to January 2015, is foggy and I recall that a few times I had, perhaps, started to feel a romantic spark for my DH. I think in many ways the OM was a test, a decision. A test which I failed and a decision which I made wrong. 

My DH says that in your lifetime you only get 5 to 6 times to really prove who you are as person. This was one of the moments for me and I did wrong. And, I have walked that dark forest with a heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Did you ever love your husband? I wonder how much of your emotions were consumed by your chemical imbalance from pregnancy, followed by the drugs. Also, you say you loved this guy, but how much can a person addicted and presumably high on Xanax really feel love. Part of what it does is numb all your emotions and gives you a peaceful high. Even right now your endorphins are not right. I would wait a good 6 months to see if your feelings for your husband come back. If they do you may end up feeling much more guilt than you do now, so be ready. 

How much did you tell your husband? What was his reaction, does he understand this was a full blown EA, that you kissed, with dates and such? That you think you loved this guy. From his reaction, it sounds like you downplayed it and didn't describe it as you had here.


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## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Did you ever love your husband? I wonder how much of your emotions were consumed by your chemical imbalance from pregnancy, followed by the drugs. Also, you say you loved this guy, but how much can a person addicted and presumably high on Xanax really feel love. Part of what it does is numb all your emotions and gives you a peaceful high. Even right now your endorphins are not right. I would wait a good 6 months to see if your feelings for your husband come back. If they do you may end up feeling much more guilt than you do now, so be ready.
> 
> How much did you tell your husband? What was his reaction, does he understand this was a full blown EA, that you kissed, with dates and such? That you think you loved this guy. From his reaction, it sounds like you downplayed it and didn't describe it as you had here.


Yes I very much loved my husband. He was the greatest love of my life. I loved him and was in love for years and years. The distance and the love dissipated after my baby. My husband did not understand that I was not ready to have sex and would ask for sex all the time. Then one day, I couldn't take it anymore. Every time I walked the corner there he was. I told him many times I just didn't want too. But finally we did have sex and I hated it. I did not like it. Ughh...and that is when I looked him and thought " I don't think I love him anymore." But I let it go, I was dealing with PPD, then I breastfed till the baby was 9 months so I thought the breastfeeding was the issue, I stopped breastfeeding and I was still not into sex and I could not climax. I thought then perhaps something shifted when I gave birth. It was not until I met OM that I noticed it. 

My addiction did not get full blown until June. I am not sure if I love this other man. I ask myself if I do? Perhaps it is just a fantasy or he is a stand in for what I feel I am missing. While I was having the affair, I started taking Xanax but it became fatal after the affair. I experienced a lot during those 8 weeks with that OM. It felt very real and not real. I cant really tell you if I did or do. I feels like I do. But why? IDK?

I haven't told my DH. I am just starting to get sober and really deal with all this. For many months I thought I wouldn't tell him but now I see I must. What I have done cannot be undone. I just worry about sobriety. I don't want to tailspin and if he does want to leave me. I NEED to be present to feel the pain and be strong for my DD. I have started drafting a letter to him to get my thoughts together. 

I don't wish to leave him. I don't want a divorce. I would wish to be able to get a second chance. To make amends. I think about a life without him and it is so scary and dark. I will never forgive myself for what I have done.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

loosingsleep90 said:


> I didn't mean "like" as adjective...I used it as filler. I did betray him. I wont deny that.
> 
> My husband is a staunch, orthodox catholic. He says divorce is not an option because our marriage is consecrated in the eyes of the church.
> 
> So, I bring him into this world of pain?


*He IS in it. Your world of pain.*

*The worst thing you could do is tell him* that you kissed another man. That you have feelings for this man. *That you have no "strong" feelings for him, your husband*. Revealing these facts will quickly dissolve your marriage. You have my word on this.

People on this blog will strongly say the opposite, that the truth MUST ALWAYS be revealed. I say tell your husband the truth only if this EA is going to get exposed. You have said that you want your marriage to work. Being honest here will torpedo any chance of a good outcome. 

The only reason I am taking this stance is because you did not go "to far". You have genuine guilt and regret and want to do the right thing, going forward. 

However, it must be revealed "at some point" if you cannot get this OM off your back, for you to be no-contact with him. You need to tell this cheater that you want no part of him, you want no communication with him, NC. Tell him that you made a mistake.

As a LAST result threaten to tell his wife what he did and what he has said and texted. Once you make this threat, he can turn that same threat around and can use it against you, to get you to do worse things. I would be careful making any threats, because again, it will bring the worst out of him. Telling his wife is scorched-earth action.

Karma may force this outcome on you. It may not. Be the best wife that you can be "From now, until Death do you part". Good luck.


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## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

ulyssesheart said:


> *He IS in it. Your world of pain.*
> 
> *The worst thing you could do is tell him* that you kissed another man. That you have feelings for this man. *That you have no "strong" feelings for him, your husband*. Revealing these facts will quickly dissolve your marriage. You have my word on this.
> 
> ...


I have blocked this man from everything. I don't think he will be an issue moving forward. Lucky for him I have no proof of our texts or calls since it has been deleted over multiple times. Me and OM live in different counties and don't have anyone in common except a mutual friend we know from class (told me his gf was pregnant in passing, he had no idea we were close). 

It seems so fleeting to think I would divorce my husband because I don't feel those romantic feelings for him. If something does happen then I don't believe in everlasting love, I would never look for another and would never remarry again. I would live alone with my baby girl. Maybe that is all I get, you know. Maybe I asked for too much. Maybe it was good to love, to have married to have a child but it was not forever. Then I don't want it ever again. 

I have been reading. I read Mother Theresa said that for 40 years she doubted there was a God and lived with this doubt BUT she stood by and kept her faith. That is how I feel. I will do what I have to fulfill my duty in god's eyes and his, honestly and truthfully. Even if I don't ever feel those romantic feelings, I want to be his wife over everything. I hope that one day after my punishment is served maybe I can feel those feelings again. 

I cry everyday. everyday. everyday.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

If your husband were to die. 

If he were dead, lying in his open casket and you looked at his "now" lifeless form, would you cry?

Would you cry for him? Or, would you cry only for yourself and your fatherless child?

Make this scenario come to life in your mind. It will reveal whether love for this man exists, or not.

Would you cry for him? Why?


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## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

ulyssesheart said:


> If your husband were to die.
> 
> If he were dead, lying in his open casket and you looked at his "now" lifeless form, would you cry?
> 
> ...


Do you know I have thought of this scenario. I thought about it. I thought about it after I saw the movie Jackie and on Saturday, we were at a hotel and he stepped out to get my tampons but he was taking awhile (he ended up going to the drugstore but he had no phone). 

I would cry, I would kneel. I would write on his tomb stone "A prince among men." I would cry for the admirable man he was, for his smile for being as strong as he is. I would cry for betraying him when I promised god I would never jade him. I would cry for my daughter for not having the chance to know him because she was so blessed to have him as her father. He had so much to teach her more than ever could. He would have taught her about life, faith, duty and prayer. We all had so much to learn from him. He was one of the good ones. 

That's how I feel. I would do my best venerate him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the book His Needs Her Needs, and ask your H to start reading it with you. Read it out loud to each other. Do everything it tells you to do, including the Emotional Needs and Love Busters questionnaires. It's the best way I know of to fall back in love with each other.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think that it is possible that you did not have postpartum depression.

I think it is possible that you had a worse condition, but in a relatively mild form, postpartum psychosis. 

You need to see your doctor and seek psychiatric evaluation as soon as you can with a view to getting medication and counselling.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Did someone suggest "Not just Friends"? It is available on line as a free PDF. I urge you to honor the six "Ps" of life: Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance. When thoughts of him occur focus on what you need to do to reconcile as though your husband knows. There have been several books mentioned, read them to start, pick actions to do and follow though. 

If I missed it have you sought any professional help with your depression? Not the addiction, the causes of the depression and the resulting fallout? An IC who has experience with the facts of your case?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax...Hopefully, On the Mend*

OP, are you familiar with the term limerence?

Read this:

http://joebeam.com/blog/limerence


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## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

*Re: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax...Hopefully, On the Mend*



farsidejunky said:


> OP, are you familiar with the term limerence?
> 
> Read this:
> 
> The Truth About Limerence Affairs - Joe Beam



*Thank you so much for sharing this with me*. This is so on point. Its interesting how they said one partner enters limerence faster and one slowly but it lingers with the latter longer. 

That's exactly how it happened!

OM entered limerence fast and I was slow. I tried several time to cut it off and then I did when I found out about the baby and sadly enough his child was born highly premature (I think about 23 weeks-at the edge of viability.) I remember after our first kissed, he called me the next day and told me "I am hooked!" and I need to see you again. I was hesitant, a little confused of what I was doing and not as excited. As the weeks went on, it was intense, we wanted to see each other. We talked everyday and plan to see each other every week. He had very little time, his gf was highly-Vigilant (gee, wonder why?)and that upset me that he wouldn't meet me half way. One day, we went to lunch, he was super busy with work and he said to me "Isn't this enough? I cant be here. I need to be at work. I am super busy but I came here to see you." and I said "no." 

Because, just how they say in the article, the other person blames LO for all they are risking. However, once we stopped talking after he had the baby my limerence grew and grew. I then started taking more Xanax to move away from these possessive feelings, to not think about him, to not call him. I struggled. I took more Xanax. I try to distract myself but his memory was (and is) something that haunts me. When he texts me saying Hi. I get this feeling like I am crazy. I get shook up. My heart and head race. He comes back into my life. 

I had mentioned that the last time we saw each other was May 2016 but until very recently I cut off all contact with him. It was a slow process and heart wrenching at times.

I wonder if in a sense I did this because I knew he would never, ever under any circumstances be an option. It was so ludicrous. He NEVER could or would be an option _nor_ did I want him to be an option. It all happened slowly and quickly. I never thought of him better or more suitable as my husband. But then my heart aches for him. Like logically, I see it all. I do. But my heart breaks for him. *Its torture. *

Thank you, thank you. It helps me define this phenomenon.


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

loosingsleep90 said:


> I didn't mean "like" as adjective...I used it as filler. I did betray him. I wont deny that.
> 
> My husband is a staunch, orthodox catholic. He says divorce is not an option because our marriage is consecrated in the eyes of the church.
> 
> So, I bring him into this world of pain?


How can you even say this without having blocked and ceased contact with the OM?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax...Hopefully, On the Mend*

I am glad it helped. Now here comes the 2x4.

You have two problems. 

The first is that you prefer to escape reality rather than to deal with your problems. This explains not only your problem with limerence, but also your problem with Xanax. Your husband is absolutely right in that you get tested but a few times in life. You did indeed fail your test. You chose to escape reality rather than to deal head-on with your problems. This demonstrates poor character on your part.

Second, you are selfish. The first selfish decision occurred when you chose to pull away from your husband. The second occurred when you pursued the OM. The third is occurring right now in your withholding of the truth from your husband when you are not even sure if you love your husband like a lover. Concealing the truth is not protecting him. It is protecting you. Any other notions you may have to the contrary is only lying to yourself.

Do you want to be a person of integrity? If not, ignore my post, and carry on exactly as you have. However, secrets are funny, and they have a tendency to cause us to rot from the inside.

Or, you can choose a life of integrity and confess all to your husband. Every Last Detail. Confess to him the same way you would lay it out in confession. Yes, it is going to hurt your husband. However, it's not you telling him that did it, but rather the actions you have already taken.

He may find it in his heart to forgive you, especially if you're willing to do the hard work to show him you can be trustworthy again. Then again, he may not. However, removing that choice for him is simply a continuance of your already selfish behavior.

Only through integrity will you find the path to true redemption.

Good luck, and please keep posting.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

loosingsleep90 said:


> Yes I very much loved my husband. He was the greatest love of my life. I loved him and was in love for years and years. The distance and the love dissipated after my baby. My husband did not understand that I was not ready to have sex and would ask for sex all the time. Then one day, I couldn't take it anymore. Every time I walked the corner there he was. I told him many times I just didn't want too. But finally we did have sex and I hated it. I did not like it. Ughh...and that is when I looked him and thought " I don't think I love him anymore." But I let it go, I was dealing with PPD, then I breastfed till the baby was 9 months so I thought the breastfeeding was the issue, I stopped breastfeeding and I was still not into sex and I could not climax. I thought then perhaps something shifted when I gave birth. It was not until I met OM that I noticed it.
> 
> My addiction did not get full blown until June. I am not sure if I love this other man. I ask myself if I do? Perhaps it is just a fantasy or he is a stand in for what I feel I am missing. While I was having the affair, I started taking Xanax but it became fatal after the affair. I experienced a lot during those 8 weeks with that OM. It felt very real and not real. I cant really tell you if I did or do. I feels like I do. But why? IDK?
> 
> ...


Well look I am harder on cheaters then probably most here. I give them no quarter. I am sure this will shock people but in your case PPD is a real thing. I suffered from PTSD and it was only with anti anxiety medication that I got back to myself. For a time I really started to lose it, like panicking that people were in my bushes stuff, not rational, wanting to look out the window. I basically had to fight these feelings every day. I kept how bad it was a secret most of the time and I was aware what PTSD was so I knew I had to see someone before I couldn't hold it together anymore. When your brain is sick, and not getting the right chemicals it's perception can be skewed. I was on medication for 12 years after that. I healed in about 3 months after taking the meds. To not have the intrusive thoughts was such a relief. I actually relate to a lot of what you describe. 

If it is true that you only kissed him, then I would give it a good year and see what you think after you have fully detoxed. You may look back and see this whole episode is clouded by mental illness. You may look back on thinking about loving him and think, who was that person. I suspect that your love for you husband will return. Honestly I wonder if you didn't self medicate also. 

Right now you still are not in your right mind. But you need to be under a psychiatrist care. Are you? I think part of your letter to your husband should deal with your confused mental state. And I think you should both go to a psychiatrist that specializes in PPD to talk about everything because they will know what can happen with PPD. Also look for some blogs to talk to other suffers. You are coming out of darkness as you say, others have too and can help you with that. start here.


One more thing, and I know it's not my place but if I were you I would also get my tubes tied. I have seen two people who made it through the first child and then decided to have a second only to really lose it. I'm talking blow the family up, institutionalized lose it. I wouldn't risk it.

For now pull out the pictures and the cards that you and your husband shared and try to remember those days. Open yourself up to him again. As you regain yourself let the love you once had for him help you. 

Finally understand the ball is in your husbands court. I think he has a right to say this is too much for him, but if it was me (and you should read my post and you will get what a big deal this is) I would wait a year and see if this is really a medical thing and not a character one. If it was a medical one I think I could move forward.


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## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

*Re: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax...Hopefully, On the Mend*



farsidejunky said:


> I am glad it helped. Now here comes the 2x4.
> 
> You have two problems.
> 
> ...


I can agree with most of what you are saying EXCEPT that I chose to pull away from him. *I DID NOT CHOSE TO PULL AWAY FROM HIM*!! I really didn't. I was so excited to have this baby. I would look at my husband and think "Wow, how exciting to see him as a daD. I cant imagine how close we are going to get." 

Then, I had the baby and everything changed for me. I didn't pull away selfishly. I don't know what happened. A baby is suppose to bring us closer together. We both wanted this and then it did the opposite for me. Something broke. Something got messed up. I didn't want my DH touching me. I didn't want to kiss him. Idk why? I remember loving the way he smelled, I would just revel. Now I don't. I wish I could explain it. I never did that intentionally. I would have wanted nothing more than to have felt how some other women feel towards their husbands as they become the father of their children. I didn't. I was broken.


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## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

KaggyBear said:


> How can you even say this without having blocked and ceased contact with the OM?


 I am not sure if you missed it but I did.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I think that it is possible that you did not have postpartum depression.
> 
> I think it is possible that you had a worse condition, but in a relatively mild form, postpartum psychosis.
> 
> You need to see your doctor and seek psychiatric evaluation as soon as you can with a view to getting medication and counselling.


I think this is absolutely true, the numbness the disassociation. OP you are sick and I don't mean that as an insult. I mean you need a doctors care for a little bit. You are not thinking right. I think you have exacerbated the whole thing with the Xanax. When you are addicted to opiates the pills create endorphins so you body stops producing them. When you quit then it takes a while for the body to catch up. This is probably where you are at and why you are braking down, and can't feel love. I also think you love your husband but because of this disassociation your emotions are not behaving the way you expect them to, you are questioning. 

Post all of this on the blog I posted and ask them what they think. Ask them how they got help and then FOLLOW what they say. 

The good news is if we are right, you can be healed.


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

sokillme said:


> I think this is absolutely true, the numbness the disassociation. OP you are sick and I don't mean that as an insult. I mean you need a doctors care for a little bit. You are not thinking right. I think you have exacerbated the whole thing with the Xanax. When you are addicted to opiates the pills create endorphins so you body stops producing them. When you quit then it takes a while for the body to catch up. This is probably where you are at and why you are braking down, and can't feel love. I also think you love your husband but because of this disassociation your emotions are not behaving the way you expect them to, you are questioning.
> 
> Post all of this on the blog I posted and ask them what they think. Ask them how they got help and then FOLLOW what they say.
> 
> The good news is if we are right, you can be healed.


I've always thought cheaters to have some kind of personality disorder. They are impulsive and refuse to take responsibility for their actions- especially actions that cause emotional pain to someone they claim to care about.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax...Hopefully, On the Mend*



loosingsleep90 said:


> I can agree with most of what you are saying EXCEPT that I chose to pull away from him. *I DID NOT CHOSE TO PULL AWAY FROM HIM*!! I really didn't. I was so excited to have this baby. I would look at my husband and think "Wow, how exciting to see him as a daD. I cant imagine how close we are going to get."
> 
> Then, I had the baby and everything changed for me. I didn't pull away selfishly. I don't know what happened. A baby is suppose to bring us closer together. We both wanted this and then it did the opposite for me. Something broke. Something got messed up. I didn't want my DH touching me. I didn't want to kiss him. Idk why? I remember loving the way he smelled, I would just revel. Now I don't. I wish I could explain it. I never did that intentionally. I would have wanted nothing more than to have felt how some other women feel towards their husbands as they become the father of their children. I didn't. I was broken.


Write all of this on that board. I think you are going to find this comes with the territory of PPD.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax...Hopefully, On the Mend*



loosingsleep90 said:


> I can agree with most of what you are saying EXCEPT that I chose to pull away from him. *I DID NOT CHOSE TO PULL AWAY FROM HIM*!! I really didn't. I was so excited to have this baby. I would look at my husband and think "Wow, how exciting to see him as a daD. I cant imagine how close we are going to get."
> 
> Then, I had the baby and everything changed for me. I didn't pull away selfishly. I don't know what happened. A baby is suppose to bring us closer together. We both wanted this and then it did the opposite for me. Something broke. Something got messed up. I didn't want my DH touching me. I didn't want to kiss him. Idk why? I remember loving the way he smelled, I would just revel. Now I don't. I wish I could explain it. I never did that intentionally. I would have wanted nothing more than to have felt how some other women feel towards their husbands as they become the father of their children. I didn't. I was broken.


What actions did you take try to overcome this problem?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

KaggyBear said:


> I've always thought cheaters to have some kind of personality disorder. They are impulsive and refuse to take responsibility for their actions- especially actions that cause emotional pain to someone they claim to care about.


I agree but this woman may have had a true medical condition that effected her brain, because of the hormones her body produced from giving birth. That is different then the normal, I need someone to tell my how hot I am kind of cheater.


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## loosingsleep90 (Jan 13, 2017)

*Re: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax...Hopefully, On the Mend*



farsidejunky said:


> What actions did you take try to overcome this problem?


Hindsight is 20/20. 

Well at first I just had severe PPD. At my daughter's first month pediatrician appt, the pediatrician looked at me and said "She is beautiful. She is healthy. I am not worried about her at all. I am worried about you." He then called my OBGYN's office and had them schedule an appt ASAP. I was prescribed Zoloft which I hated! I would tell people it was like I could look but I couldnt see, I could touch but I couldn't feel, I hear but I couldn't listen. The last thing on mind was sex. Sex felt awful. I was so consumed with being a new mom. 

I then got off the Zoloft and I had to go exclusively pumping. Me and my daughter never were able to form a good breastfeeding relationship and she stopped latching at 3 months (a huge stressor) by the time the baby was 4 months I didn't feel the PPD as acutely. Although, I was different. I did not want sex. I did not to see sex. If people would talk about it or scene would come on the TV, I would get irritated and very, very uncomfortable. I figured it was the breastfeeding/exclusively pumping. Exclusively Pumping was a huge feat and it was all encompassing. I would pump ever 2 hrs for an hour. I was producing just enough to feed her (huge stressor). It was all about the baby for me. Maybe TMI, but my breast were a big part of foreplay and now I didn't want them even touched. Not to mention they were always raw and bruised from the pump but I didn't associate them anymore as sexual part.

I thought once breastfeeding was over, I would start wanting sex again or feeling that way again. I stopped breastfeeding officially at 9 months when my body gave out on me (I got food poisoning and dried up my already weaning supply.) After I stopped breastfeeding, I had a less acute PPD episode. I couldn't sleep. The Dr. prescribed 3 months of Temazepam. Sex was not painful anymore but I had no desire or interest. Like I said, I thought I just had changed and I had different libido. I was fine with it. I didn't need it OR so I thought.....

Then, I met OM. And, I remember the first time I saw him. He sparkled up my eye and I really couldn't look his way. The class was 7 weeks long and we did not talk at all for the first 4 weeks. He said "When you first walked into class, you made such an impression on me. I thought you were beautiful but I tried talking to you a few times and you blew me off. You seemed like such a snob." I remember it happened gradually but with him I didn't feel uncomfortable about sex. In fact, that woman I once knew was still there. I wanted to be touched, I wanted to be looked at in that way.

I remember looking at him in class before we even talked and thinking " This guys is trouble. Why I am I attracted to him? Sure, he is good looking but a little out of shape. I can tell he drinks...a lot. He looks a little worn out. He is not very dapper."

Like, I said hindsight is 20/20.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,

What is love?

Have you contemplated this question deeply? The feeling you have for the OM you call "head over heels" "love". Is it? Would you give your life for this person? Would you trust this person,whom you know to be of low character based on his pursuit of you while his pregnant GF was carrying his child, to interact alone with your daughter? Do you respect his "letting himself go". Do you think it shows he respects his own body? If he has no self respect do you believe he will/can respect you, or anyone for that matter, like a pregnant GF?

You simply have not given this enough thought. You have "fallen in love" with an idea. You see this man as an escape whereas you see your H as a jailer. You said for years that you "loved" your H deeply but that suddenly you no longer felt that way after the birth of your daughter. Have you considered that on some level you may see your H as a threat? What I mean is that although you say you were elated at the thought of motherhood the responsibility associated with being a parent can be overwhelming.

The angst you felt about being "trapped" by a new life that now looks to you for everything it needs is monumental and can be terrifying. And your H caused this. SO now when he asked for sex you saw it as another possible jail sentence, baby number two. Your fear immediately shut down any positive thought and refused to allow him to "convict" you again. This would also explain why you never had sex with the OM. It kept him from becoming the jailer, threatening you with another responsibility that you were not prepared to handle.

You then turned to the drug in an effort to allay your guilt yes but I believe also to numb your mind to the enormous responsibility of being a mother. Your H is the same man he was prior to impregnating you but your mind has turned him into the villain. May I inquire, was this a planned pregnancy? If so, did you and your H discuss all the ramifications of parenthood and did you express to him any and all reservations you may have had about being a parent? If not this desperately needs to be discussed and understood by your H but also by you.

So then, if you closely examine your "feelings" for this OM I believe that you will see they are not "love" but rather the "love" you feel is merely for the freedom that the OM represents. He left one wife with 2 teenage children and then stepped out on another woman, which he impregnated, to pursue you. It does not get much more "free" than that. He represents what you want and that is to not feel trapped for he certainly does not.

So what you must do is to change your perspective entirely. Instead of thinking that this life has "trapped" you must see the opportunity this life offers. You are a mother, the greatest job any woman can have. Yes it has responsibility but the benefits of seeing that young face light up when she sees you far outweigh any negative, as you said you experienced when picking your daughter up. Children can make life worth living, all you have to do is move beyond yourself. When you do you will no longer see your H as "the one who did this to me" but rather you will see him as before, as a "prince among men". I wish you good fortune.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

*Re: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax...Hopefully, On the Mend*

My advice, get a divorce and move on. Some people are not meant to be married. It must be horrible to have a great husband who cherishes and desires you so much. No woman wants that. 

Dang, a married man wanting to have sex with his wife, HOW FREAKING HORRIBLE! Run into the arms of this older man who can't hold a candle to your husband. Run to the man that would destroy a family for sex. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Had Affair, Got Addicted to Xanax...Hopefully, On the Mend*



loosingsleep90 said:


> Hindsight is 20/20.
> 
> Well at first I just had severe PPD. At my daughter's first month pediatrician appt, the pediatrician looked at me and said "She is beautiful. She is healthy. I am not worried about her at all. I am worried about you." He then called my OBGYN's office and had them schedule an appt ASAP. I was prescribed Zoloft which I hated! I would tell people it was like I could look but I couldnt see, I could touch but I couldn't feel, I hear but I couldn't listen. The last thing on mind was sex. Sex felt awful. I was so consumed with being a new mom.
> 
> ...


Well this changes my thinking again. If you knew you had PPD and you still cheated then I give you less of a pass. I think you should tell your husband and give it a year away from addiction and PPD. But if you don't really love him to force him to be trapped with someone who isn't in love with him. That is just compounding the problem.

I also change my other post if I was him I would be done.


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