# Confused



## Desperate for answers (Dec 29, 2017)

Three years ago, my husband had a one night stand when he left his job after 14 years. I found out the following day (Valentine's Day!). It caused a great deal of upset in the family home. We have 2 children together and they were absolutely distraught. I decided to give the marriage a go, but set ground rules which he appeared to stick to. It has been difficult as the trust element was broken.

I went to see a counsellor to talk things through. I have been open and honest with him about how I was feeling and things were looking up. We even started having date nights again.

Two years later, my children told me that they had walked in on their dad whilst he was on his computer. He told them off for coming into the room (he was in the kitchen). My children told me a couple of days later what they had seen on his screen. Apparently he was talking to a 22 year old about what turned her on. My eldest son even asked me what a clitoris is. I confronted him when he came home from work and he said he was lonely and it was just someone to talk to. He promised he would not go on any sites again. He was full of apologies and said it was a moment of complete madness. I decided to try and put it behind us and move on, but told him that he has to be open and honest with me. I told him this was the last time I would forgive him as I could not keep taking his hurt. Three strikes and your out.

On Wednesday morning, I woke up coughing at about 4am and noticed he was not in bed. I went downstairs to the kitchen where he was sitting using his phone. I asked him what he was doing and he said that he couldn't sleep and was playing a game. We had a drink and both went back to bed. In the morning, I woke up and clicked on the internet on his phone and saw that he had been back on the website. I confronted him and he admitted that he still uses the website regularly for sex chat and role play.

I am devastated. We have been together for 20 years, married for 15 years. I thought we were getting on and things were looking up.

He says that he is a sex addict, but he definitely isn't with me. 

Can anyone help me to make sense of this?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Your husband is having his cake and eating it as it were.

You have to be quite harsh in order to make him see how important this is to you. Setting boundaries must have consequences if he breaks them - otherwise he apologises for 10 minutes, looks contrite and then goes straight back talking to young women.

He isn't a sex addict and this is a cheap bid to gain sympathy and make it so he doesn't need to own the problem.

Set boundaries. Tell him if you catch him again, he leaves.

It sounds incredibly harsh, but threaten a divorce and FOLLOW THROUGH if you catch him. You can always stop the process, but you have to be prepared to lose your marriage in order to save it.

You need to be more harsh than you will think is reasonable, but your husband is NOT being reasonable and is betraying your trust.

Good luck and please keep us updated. It can really help.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NotChrisAnyMore said:


> Hi,
> 
> Your husband is having his cake and eating it as it were.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I agree with @NotChrisAnyMore. (And good afternoon, Chris!)

@Desperate for answers as you spell counsellor like I do, I'm presuming you are in the UK? If so, I suggest you speak with a Solicitor to learn what your options are.

In the UK grounds for divorce are:-

Adultery.
Unreasonable behaviour.
Desertion.
2 years separation with consent.
5 years separation (no consent required)

Adultery is out (if you continue to have sex with a spouse after you learn they committed adultery it is considered that you 'forgave' them.)

However, his behaviour is utterly unreasonable and would make a good basis for an action for divorce, should you want to pursue that route. 

You might be in Canada and in Canada it is somewhat different:

The spouses have been living apart for at least a year. One spouse committed adultery. One spouse treated the other with physical or mental cruelty to the point that living together is no longer possible for the spouse who was mistreated.

If in Canada, the mental cruelty option sounds possible, though consult with a lawyer.

If you need any specific advice, please give only as many details as you feel comfortable with.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I dont think I'd wait for next time. I'd get some separation papers printed off the internet fill them out and give them to him. Talk to a lawyer. You dont have to go through with it but you do have to scare the bejesus out of him. He doesnt get how hurtful this is to you or he wouldnt have continued doing it-after he was caught, after his children caught him.....

To me this is the same as cheating although I'm sure some would disagree. It inflicts pain, it crushes trust, and is a betrayal of the marriage. How would he feel if you were having sex chats with some young stud? I would imagine it would make him sick. I would ask him to sleep somewhere other than the bedroom till you get your head together-even if it means on a blowup mattress in the basement. I would book an IC appointment to discuss it with someone professional.

I wish you luck and kindness.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You’ve already given him enough second chances along with the requisite amount of rope to hang himself with! And it appears that he has graciously complied!

Given that, I would think that his situation is terminal, and that unless he willingly submits to psychological counseling, you need to be in a good family attorneys office being thoroughly advised of both your property and custodial rights! *


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

He cheated, you forgave, but you set a few required ground rules. 

He broke them. 

It's over, even if you haven't yet accepted the reality of it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Desperate for answers said:


> Three years ago, my husband had a one night stand when he left his job after 14 years. I found out the following day (Valentine's Day!). It caused a great deal of upset in the family home. We have 2 children together and they were absolutely distraught. I decided to give the marriage a go, but set ground rules which he appeared to stick to. It has been difficult as the trust element was broken.
> 
> I went to see a counsellor to talk things through. I have been open and honest with him about how I was feeling and things were looking up. We even started having date nights again.
> 
> ...


All this sex addict BS aside, he’s a serial cheat with 3 strikes... that you know of.

He’ll never stop cheating; whatever you decide, you need to accept that as truth.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

He's a bullsh*t addict.

The more lines you keep drawing in the sand the lesser he cares about stepping over them.

You continue to forgive and "put it behind you" the more it pops up in front of you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You told him 3 strikes and he's out. So now it's time to file for divorce. He did it because he does not believe that you would leave him. He's been doing it constantly and you have caught him only 3 times. So the odds were in his favor. But you caught him the 3rd time.

If you do not divorce him now, he's not going to change. He's only going to be completely reassured that he can treat you any want he wants and you will not leave him.


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