# Can a person develop empathy as an adult?



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

EMPATHY............

My husband is capable of having and showing it sometimes, but it's out the door in the midst of conflict, and/or when I need it most.

He knows this. 

Is it possible for empathy to grow in a person at the age of 39?


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

in the midst of conflict

Most can not or will not feel empathy if they are in a heated arguement. Your emotions are raging, you're not thinking clearly. Let all calm down then have a calm talk.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I think for men empathy is out the door when they get angry but because of how they're biologically rigged. That part of their brain shuts off when they reach their anger threshold at times. Some have shorter fuses than others. I read something on this at one point.

BUT if he doesn't feel empathy regularly then he is a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

The answer is no. And it's no for most people.

By age 39 (actually a lot earlier), you have developed your life's traits. If you aren't empathetic except in extreme situations, you aren't going to show empathy except in those situations.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> The answer is no. And it's no for most people.
> 
> By age 39 (actually a lot earlier), you have developed your life's traits. If you aren't empathetic except in extreme situations, you aren't going to show empathy except in those situations.


Thanks for your replies!
He is empathetic, *except* in extreme situations---when he's upset and/or we are arguing.
He can show empathy for me when something or someone else bothers me, it's when the two of us have a conflict, or when he perceives that he is the cause of my upset, that he doesn't show it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> The answer is no. And it's no for most people.
> 
> By age 39 (actually a lot earlier), you have developed your life's traits. If you aren't empathetic except in extreme situations, you aren't going to show empathy except in those situations.


Aw come on, anything is possible. String theory says so.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Whats string theory, and what did you read about men being biologically wired so the empathy part of their brains shut down in conflict?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I'm on my way out to dinner but I'll look it up and see if I can find it. String theory is a physics/mathematical theory that is complex but I'll sum it up the portion I'm speaking about by saying anything is possible it's just a matter of odds.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Sorry but I can't find the exact reading. I'm not sure where I read it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Chris Taylor said:


> The answer is no. And it's no for most people.
> 
> By age 39 (actually a lot earlier), you have developed your life's traits. If you aren't empathetic except in extreme situations, you aren't going to show empathy except in those situations.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

michzz said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:


Pfft.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

@Trenton: That's ok. I'm more interested in the men's empathy center of the brain shutting off during conflict part than the string theory part. 

I know "empathy" as a general personality trait develops in childhood through socio-emotional connections, etc. 

But like I said, in some moments it is more feasible for my husband to have it than other times. And our therapist seems to think he *can* grow in this area.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Trenton said:


> Pfft.


Someone who applies string theory to such a thing as empathy has a rather interesting take on what I know about personality development.

If someone has NEVER displayed empathy for others by the age of 39 it is very difficult for me to see how they would at that late age.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

@michzz, true, if someone has NEVER displayed empathy for others it would be difficult to see how they'd develop it so late. 

AND good thing my husband is not someone who has never displayed empathy by age 39. Like I said, he displays it, but under certain circumstances, it takes a back seat to defensiveness or anger. 

It might've been more accurate for me to phrase my question as: "Can someone grow in empathy as an adult?" rather than develop it, as if from nothing.

Maybe that's what I'm wondering--is empathy something a person can cultivate or grow in, like listening skills or working out?


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## adrianaidan (Nov 4, 2010)

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
I think this is really nice topic :smthumbup:


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

I think it has a lot to do with how far a person needs to slide across the scale. And if they do not have a mental disorder preventing it. You say that he normally has empathy, then its probably possible. Otherwise, it might take a life changing trauma. Maybe I'm too sensitive about the topic, because I am married to someone with a personality disorder, so I get that alot.

After college, I passed through to the final stages of a position in counter terrorism. Ultimately, I got a better job offer, so I declined. When the psych profiles labelled me as low empathy, it really bothered me. Ultimately, I converted to my wife's faith and now I actually cry in movies ... occasionally. But probably having children changed me more than anything. 

BTW- String theory is a particle physics theory. What happens at the lowest quantifiable particle size, even below quarks and leptons? Einstein imagined phase shifting between particle and energy states, but string theory implies multi-dimensional strings. I think???, but its been a while.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

My husband has empathy for animals, and children. When it comes to adults forget it. He has gotten better over the years with me.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

takris said:


> You say that he normally has empathy, then its probably possible.


The times he seems to LACK empathy are when he feels overwhelmed by his "frustration" in a conflict. 

He's actually said to me that it's harder for him to have empathy for my hurt feelings when he feels that he is the cause of my hurt feelings.

Not ideal. But maybe it's a step in the right direction that he recognizes this in himself. 

In those moments, his imperative to protect or defend himself supersedes his consideration my feelings. I know I may sound a bit clinical and objective, because I need to. It helps me understand and prepare myself for those situations, to wait until he's out of that mode, when he's in a better frame of mind to consider my feelings as well as his own. Otherwise, I just keep feeling hurt.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

michzz said:


> Someone who applies string theory to such a thing as empathy has a rather interesting take on what I know about personality development.
> 
> If someone has NEVER displayed empathy for others by the age of 39 it is very difficult for me to see how they would at that late age.


I think she's saying he's empathetic but shuts off when he gets angry. I do think this can change from behavior modification.

cred, I couldn't find the article I read on the anger response in men. String theory you can look up tons of resources with Google but it was more of a comment on possibility than real proof that your husband can change.

What I intended to get across was that I do believe people can change and that we are all capable of much more than we think.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> It might've been more accurate for me to phrase my question as: "Can someone grow in empathy as an adult?" rather than develop it, as if from nothing.
> 
> Maybe that's what I'm wondering--is empathy something a person can cultivate or grow in, like listening skills or working out?


The answer to that is probably yes, but the range of growth is limited.

And that is true with most traits. You may have someone who scatters their dirty clothes all over the house. The best they can "grow" in this case is to throw them in one place. Chances of getting them to get them to the laundry room, wash them (correctly), dry, fold and put them away are slim.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Trenton said:


> What I intended to get across was that I do believe people can change and that we are all capable of much more than we think.


I knew that's what you meant. Even my developmental psychology professor said, "There are no absolutes or hard-and-fast rules, we just look for trends in the way most or many people tend to develop personality traits."

I was looking for anecdotes and examples of people whose empathy levels have changed in adulthood. Just wanted to know if it was possible. Thanks, everyone for your replies.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> You may have someone who scatters their dirty clothes all over the house. The best they can "grow" in this case is to throw them in one place. Chances of getting them to get them to the laundry room, wash them (correctly), dry, fold and put them away are slim.


Wait a minute, as I read this I'm looking at pride with the stacks of folded clean laundry I have just created. I'M the person who throws dirty clothes all over the house! 

So it IS possible! :smthumbup:


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I have yet to put them away.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I have yet to put them away.


See what I mean???


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I knew that's what you meant. Even my developmental psychology professor said, "There are no absolutes or hard-and-fast rules, we just look for trends in the way most or many people tend to develop personality traits."
> 
> I was looking for anecdotes and examples of people whose empathy levels have changed in adulthood. Just wanted to know if it was possible. Thanks, everyone for your replies.


I know that it's routine for various personality metrics to change over time, like FIBRO-B (?). At the same time it's also possible to get l/t conditions (like ADD) on account of environment, but this is more likely to happen in childhood--current neuro research suggests that empathy centers in the brain don't finish developing until the mid-20s.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

I think anyone can learn anything at any age. it's the "i can't, i'm too old", "what's the point now" or "why should i bother to change" that makes things impossible. If you don't want to change, of course nothing will change. 

You can in fact chance all of your behaviors (acquired in a lifetime), state of mind (confidence, fear etc...) and responses to certain situations. The problem is it takes a lot of time to get rid of any behavior you've had for years and people don't see the point of going through all that effort.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

It's all about learning how. Get some relationship books and learn how to communicate, show empathy and be each other's best, most loving friends.


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