# new here and lost!



## missmissy (May 12, 2008)

Hello,
I am new here and hoping to get the support I need. I will apologize now for the length of this post but I feel I need to get my story out to get advice. 

Ok, here goes... My husband and I have been married for 7 years this month. I have 3 children from a previous marrage and he has 2 children from a previous relationship. We also have 2 children together to make 7 children. We have full custody of all 7 children. 

My husband is an alcoholic, admitted. I struggle with the issues that come along with having a husband that is an alcoholic. While he admits he is, and promises to try to stop drinking he just has never been able to follow through with those promises. He has been to AA but it was short lived. 

The first 2 years of our marrage was a nightmare most of the time. He would spend most every night after work in a bar getting drunk with friends. If he was not at a bar he would be in places with friends drinking and doing drugs. He would come home in the early hours of the morning if he came home at all. His wedding ring would be either in his pocket or in his truck he left parked where ever the party happened to be. I lost alot of trust and respect for him every time this happened.(often) I would cry to him almost every day pleeding for him to stop doing this and get help so that we could save our marrage. While he sat with me and agreed every time that it was wrong of him and he wanted to quit, he never did. He lied to me all the time about where he was and what he was doing. Lies, Lies, Lies about drugs and drinking. I was killing me.

To shorten the story I ended up having an affair. I felt so alone and unloved. I looked for anyone who could fill the void that was my life for soooo long. I needed to feel like I was worth someone's time. I admit it was wrong and it kills me to think that I hurt my husband. I live with my own guilt everyday. I just had been so hurt for so long by my husband that I lost myself. I told my husband about the affair and I also ended the affair right away, not for my husband but for myself. Having the affair was not what I wanted, it was what I thought I needed.
I thought that if I had an affair I could get over my husband and be able to leave him. I was wrong. I loved him way more then I thought I did. We did decide to stay together and work on our marrage. That was when he joined AA and it was going well until we moved back in together. Then he quit AA, I was worried that he would go right back to his old ways without it and he did. 

So for 5 years since the affair I have been dealing with all drinking, thinking I deserve it after what I had done to him. Granted he is not as bad as he once was. Now he works out of town 5 to 6 days of the week and comes home during weekends. While he is gone he is drinking every night. He has lied to me about the drinking becasue he knows I will be upset but my cousin works with him and tells me everything. I confronted him about all the lies and drinking and sitting in the bars all night getting trashed only to hear him say he was sorry again and wont do it again blah blah blah, and of course it keeps happening. Meanwhile I sit at home with 7 children and all the bills and problems ect ect... when I say anything to him he gets defensive and tells me I am always yelling at him about something. It is so hard to trust him when he has lied to me for so many years. He does swear up and down that he has not ever cheated on me. I want so badly to believe him but it is just so hard to. I do not treat him like he has cheated on me. It is just something I think about. 

I will say he works very hard and alot of hours to support his family. I have alot of respect for him when it comes to that and I tell him all the time. I try so hard to be a supporting loving wife to him. I do everything I can to make him feel loved and appreciated. I just wish I could get a little back from him. I feel very unloved. I feel like I am not worth loving because when I have a problem with him and his drinking and lies he just throws in my face that I am the one who cheated on him as to say I do not have a right to be mad about anything he does. There is so much I need from him and I fell I deserve. I dont get much at all. I am trying to deal with it and be thankful for my children. I just wish that I could get my husband to understand that I need his love to. I know he loves me he tells me all the time but it is not his words that I need, I need to see it and feel it. I guess he is just not that kind of guy. I am hurt beyond repair I think. I want to file for divorce, and I told him. Of course he does not want a divorce he thinks I am over reacting. I have no idea what to do, he will not go to AA or counselling. What do I do? I need help!!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I am so sorry to hear your story. It must be very difficult to live in this type of situation. To lose all trust in your spouse is a terrible thing, but don’t confuse your indiscretions with his. You did a terrible thing by stepping outside the marriage what ever the reasons. I’m glad you recognized it was not the right thing to do and you made the tough choice. He however continues to damage the marriage and his family with the drinking, drugs and lies. I always try to fine the positives in relationships but yours is very difficult to find them. You can’t make some one change unfortunately. He ultimately will have to make that choice. Have you thought about joining Al-Anon? You may be able to find guidance and support for so many others that have faced your problems. It may be helpful to your marriage or just to your self and kids. Here’s the link and best of luck.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

Al-anon would be my first choice for you, and a good place to start. I would like to say that you made a mistake, that does not mean you are not worthy of love and respect from your husband. He has a disease, an illness, you can not fix that. He has got to want to get help and you have some tough choices to make. You could both use some separate and marriage councelling but that is only if you both want to. Something has got to change because I am sure you are not happy and neither is he. If he doesn't seek help, you need to protect yourself and seek help in dealing with this issue with someone qualified to help you. It is probably not fair for the kids to be living in a household with an alcoholic. I've been there and I knew at the age of 12 my mom was an alcoholic. It was not easy. My heart goes out to you and your family.


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## missmissy (May 12, 2008)

Thank you so much for your support. I tried to talk to my husband about all of this again and it ended in a huge fight. My husband gets very defensive when I confront him. All he can do is throw my affair that I had 5 years ago in my face. When I tell him that I understand he was very hurt from what I did, and I cant apologize enough, I also remind him that the drinking and drugs started long before the affair and that while I respect his feelings he really needs to get help for his problem. I can't really say that drugs are a problem now, he has given that up (as far as I know). 

I just know that I can't forgive myself for the affair until he does. When it is always thrown in my face when ever I have a problem with him I feel he is just using it as an excuse for his wrong doings. How can the affair be the cause of his behavior that started several years before it happened? I am sure it did not help the situation at all but when do I stop letting him blame me? 

My husband is the type of person that just acts like a fight or any conversation that we have about his issues never happened the next day. I end up giving up and letting it go until the next time and we end up right back where we started and this just continues on forever. I feel that he figures all he has to do is suffer through a few conversations and or fights about what he has done, then in a few days it will all blow over and be fine. So in turn he continues to drink and I continue to suffer.
when do I call it a day? When should I say I'm done? Even if I go to al anon myself he will not. I feel like the only way out of this is to leave him. If I stay I am just going to have to put up with this for the rest of my life. I am not sure I can do that.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

Missmissy it seems like you have already given yourself the answer at what you need to do. He has to admit that he has a problem himself before anything can change. Without that you are at a stalemate. You are going to have to give him the ultimatum of getting help for himself with his addiction (drugs/alcohol it is still an addiction) and both of you need help for your marriage, if he refuses to do this for the marriage and your 7 children then it is time for you to leave and look after the children and you. A wake up call is what needs to be done when the behavoir doesn't change he still has an addiction that needs to be addressed. He may still need help getting over the affair but you have proved yourself for 5 years now, that is just an excuse at this point to make you feel guilty and wash over his addiction. It is what he uses to justify his drinking and it justifies nothing. I understand his pain but if it is still fresh in his mind then he needs counceling to help him deal with it. Please seeks a qualified professional, clergy or someone that can help you and your kids. He and only he can help himself. You have a responsibility to protect your children.


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## vicariousrising (May 18, 2008)

Hi there and welcome to the blog world. I ran into your blog via a google search for something else about AA and alcoholism. I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been blogging about it for awhile now.

Anyway, if you are looking for any online support from other spouses with alcoholic partners, you might want to start with Syd at his blog I'm just F.I.N.E.-- Recovery in Al-Anon. He is in Al-Anon and has really gotten a great perspective on life. I think he'd be a great resource. From there, he has links to other blogs to people in similar situations.

Not quite the same, but almost is the blog thejunkyswife.com, whose husband is a heroine addict. She's a strong lady and writes with raw honesty about living with her husband.

Anyway, I wish you best of luck. You're welcome to email me or stop my blog as well (vicariousrising.typepad.com [email protected])

Judith


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