# getting what I wanted?



## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

I have a huge dilema that I have to solve within the next 3 weeks. My wife and I have been married for 18 years and recently I discovered her in an EA (started to turn to a PA with kissing). That is over, and my wife and I are currently in counseling which has really helped our relationship. I did not want her to have an affair, but when I busted her with the OM kissing, it really turned me on (as well as pissed me off that she was doing this, I know very mixed feelings). I told her about this and in the process, she admitted to me that her first husband asked her to have sex with his friend in front of him, and she did. The marriage obviously ultimately failed. She vowed she would not do this ever again (even though I admitted to her that it was my fantasy as well). I left it at that. Then later on when she was talking about the subject I asked her if she would ever just kiss (make out) with someone in front of me. She hesitated and said that she would have to think about that one. I left it at that on the advice of others on this site. I know our marriage is in the recovery process and I didn't want to rock that boat. We are now much more open about what we want from each other than ever before. I have been doing several things for her that I didn't before, and she is now trying to make an effort to do things for me that she wasn't before. It is not perfect yet, and we still have a ways to go. So here's my problem. Yesterday, a old co-worker of my wife (who now still works for the same company but in a different branch a thousand miles away, we'll call him Brian) came back into town and was at her office. He has always had a thing for my wife. He would ask her to go out for drinks after work with him and my wife always declined. I told her that he just wants to get into your pants, she always just blew it off, saying he just likes to party and that even if she wasn't married, he would just be too young for her to have a relationship with. He is 12 years younger that her (32) and single. So he asked her to go out to lunch with him. She called me at work and asked if I mind if she goes. I said no problem. When she came home that evening she told me that he hit on her at lunch, and she just politely told him she was married. But then she asked if I still wanted to watch her make out with someone. I asked her why she was bringing this up now? She told Brian at lunch that I had asked her to do this recently. He said that he would be more than happy to help out (big surprise). She said she would be willing to make out with him in front of me on a couple of conditions
1. She only makes out with him (and maybe alittle heavy petting)
2. she keeps all her clothes on. No sex with him, ever.
3. she would be fullfilling my fantasy, so I will never bring it up again.

I agreed to all of these terms, but I am worried that this might be too soon in our recovery to do this, and am thinking that maybe we should wait a year until our marriage has had time to grow. Brian will be in town in three weeks and he thinks this is going to happen. I know this is a big fantasy of mine, and I'm thinking if I turn her down now, I will never get the chance again. But if we do this too soon I am taking a Huge risk. She told Brian that she will not sleep with him so there is no misunderstanding. Should I ask her to do this but at a later time?


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Russ, I remember your thread in the infidelity forum. Sorry about my frankness but based on everything that happened you are acting like an idiot. You are asking for trouble. Your wife has already shown that she is 100% capable of cheating. You're not only willing to let her but you are actually encouraging her to make out with another guy. hmmm, let's think of all the bad ways this can end. 

Russ, you don't take your marriage seriously. You and your wife have some serious problems and instead of trying to resolve the problem of your wife being interested and having relations with other men you are actually encouraging it! 

I suppose if you don't care if your wife ends up sleeping with other men then this scenario is probably fine. If you don't want her to then saying you are foolish is being too kind.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

russ101 said:


> 3. she would be fullfilling my fantasy, so I will never bring it up again.


Huge red flag, she is doing this under coercion. Russ you have been here several times asking about this and virtually all have told you to not do it. You are trying to override your wife's wishes and boundaries with your own fantasy. If not respecting your wife's wishes like this was a pattern in the past then I think that should give you a clue as to why she strayed in the first place. 

Reluctant wife + shaky marriage + horny co-worker + self centered husband = DISASTER


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

We'll I think I am going to listen to all of your posts and tell her that even though this is something that I would like to see, I think it would be better if we waited a while (maybe a year or so?) until are marriage is on better footing (even though things have been getting much better, its only been a month and a half). This is killing me (since she made the offer, I have not brought it up), but I think it is the correct choice to make at this time. Thanks for all of your replies (even the harsh ones).


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Or maybe just forget about it? It is a fantasy. Keep it in your mind...don't act on it. It takes two VERY secure/responsible adults to go this direction, and even then it usually ends in disaster. Give it up.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Thanks Larniegrl, I do not know if I want to give up the idea completely (it is something that I have been desiring for a long time), but I do understand the foolishness of trying to do it while our marriage isn't as strong as it should be. So I decided to tell her last night that I think we should wait a while until our marriage gets stronger before I ask her to do anything like this. So you think she would be happy that I'm not asking her to do this right? Wrong, she acted irritated and pissed off, saying, So now you want me to tell him we're not going to do this after all? I am going to look like an idiot! You need to make up your mind! Then she says I think we should just go through with this and get it over with. I said I told you I would not bring it up again and I haven't. She still thinks we should go through with this in three weeks (when he is back in town). I told her I still don't think we should do this now. Lets wait. I told her I would talk to him if it would makeher look like she is an idiot. She said no. Lets just do this once and for all. As of this post, we have still not resolved this issue. Its getting to the point that I (almost) wish I had never told her, even though I crave it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So do it. What could possibly go wrong at this point?

You encouraged hert to spend time with another man and were both angry and excited when you caught them doing the very thing you have asked her to do again. She sets it up and you tell her to pull the plug. You obviously have tremendous difficulty with setting boundaries between the desire of fantasy and the complexity and consequences of reality.

You still harbor the fantasy of watching her have sex, and at this point you aren't coercing her into anything.
So let her make out with the dude. Who knows, it could be the very thing that gives everybody exactly what they want. Or not ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

This post deserves a direct response. 

If you do this with your wife you are a fool. I have no probems with swingers or swinging (it is not for me though) but, i believe it has huge risks even for people who are not pre-disposed or have had history of infidelilty. This is a slippery slope.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Well, I have not been able to talk my wife out of hooking up with Brian for a make out session. The three of us are meeting up on Friday for drinks at a local bar (our kids are spending the weekend at their grandparents) and are planning to come back to our house afterwards. I have to admit, I am very excited about this happening (although as I have said, I would have prefered it happen much later). We are not telling anyone about this (including our marriage counselor). It feels very weird that we all know what it going to happen that night after we leave the bar. My wife says she is going to wear her black dress (which she knows I love her to wear, short skirt, low cut blouse, she hardly every wears it anymore) and when we get back to the house she will make out with Brian for as long as I want. She will allow some heavy petting (hands up her skirt etc.) but she is not taking her clothes off, and she will not have sex with him. I said I am ok with whatever she is ok with. I'm sure Brian is elated with this (I know he has been trying to get in her pants for a long time, and he is now only in town 3 or 4 times a year). I actually think my wife is very much looking forward to this, as she is insistent that this take place. I always thought my wife was attracted to him, but she would never admit it. She says she is doing this for me so I can get it out of my system, but I suspect, she is also doing it for herself as well. I will let you all know how it goes after Friday.


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## missgypsy (Mar 25, 2010)

wow! you are nuts! She is a $%^%^&###*** hope that doesnt get me kicked off of here.... bad bad and more bad... with that said she is a cheater, prob, always has been, and now you have given her permission... this is going to back fire, probably on you both... you caught her kissing someone WITHOUT your permission and now she's got it... actually she has demanded that it goes on... and you are wasting your counselors time, let your counsler know... why hide??? A fantasy is a fantasy for a reason... in your mind, your dreams... wow


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

Look up the word "cuckold"


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

I agree with most of you that this is a bad idea right now. It is a fantasy of mine and my wife is using that to her advantage I think. I again told her yesterday that we should wait, and even brought it up at our marriage therapy session (he thought this was a bad idea, he said that it has been his experience that most marriages don't survive this eventually). My wife was mad that I brought it up there and afterwards she said this is a one time offer, I'm not going to do this ever again. So I agreed. We are meeting on Friday night, and going back to our house afterwards. I decided that I would have a timer out and that she can kiss him for 10 minutes. Part of me is really looking forward to this, and part of me is really dreading it (weird I know). She has been deliberate about their not being any sex with him though and only kissing (and maybe alittle heavy petting) going on. I did see a text she sent Brian this morning (from late last night) where she told him that she would see him on Friday. Nothing out of line, but he answered her; I'm definitley looking forward to it! She did not reply.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Russ~

I've decided to add you as one of the few to my ignore list, and I wanted you to know why. 

I don't believe you're actually here for advice to improve your marriage. I think you're here for your own selfish reasons, one of them being the thrill you get telling others of your little three-way. 

Your wife was unfaithful to you emotionally with another man, and rather than do the work necessary to truly be intimate with her and look at yourself, your choice is to serve your own selfish fantasies to watch her with yet ANOTHER man. I don't see anywhere that you treat her like someone worthy of respect, dignity or beloved treatment--but rather more like a puppet to be used. I don't see you examining WHY she became romantically involved with OM#1 or your contributions to the vulnerability in your marriage nor doing any work on yourself to become a better man, husband or father. 

So based on the fact that I think this is all sort of a creepy attempt at voyeurism--I'm done. Good luck.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Affair Care,

Sorry you feel that way. I really do want advice (though I admit I don't always take it, I'm weak in that area). My problem is that I am being torn internally in two directions. At this point, my wife seems to have changed as someone who was very against this at first, but now is saying, I'm doing this one time and thats it. Get it out of your system. Even after I reconsidered, and said lets wait, she still wants to in her words "get this over with, once and for all". Again, thank all of you for your advice (you too, affair care). It was appreciated


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Just an update. I think I may have answered my own question. I decided (for better or worse) since I was so torn between whether to allow my wife to do this or not, I was just going to leave it in the fantasy world (as many of you have said I should). I decided to call the OM Brian, and talk to him. I called last night (while wife was still at work) and told him that I decided that this would not be a cool thing to do right now, even though I was the one that wanted it in the first place, and he was very cool with it (he said no problem, but if the two of you want to still go out to dinner, let me know, I said not this time, but thanks anyway). Didn't know if wife would be relieved, or mad. We'll today she called me at work and basically yelled at me the whole time I was on the phone with her (how can you make me look like an idiot in front of him, etc.) and that now this is never going to happen no matter what I say (which I can probably say I am somewhat relieved). Now I just have to deal with one PISSED OFF wife for quite some time. She doesn't forget easily.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Russ.....

It may be better from now on to approach things rationally, rather than jumping from one desire to another - try learning what it means to have a good strong relationship - and then PROACTIVELY pursue that. Do things on principle rather than on a whim.... 

Whims tend to bite you very hard in an unexpected place, at an unexpected time...


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Thanks Tanelornpete, I will at least attempt to do this (I know that I am weak at times). My wife is barely talking to me right now though. She did say that we should at least meet Brian for dinner as we had planned. I said that I would agree to this (Brian was fine with me calling the whole thing off) as long as we parted ways after dinner. As long as I am there I don't have a problem with it. We both have many issues to work on and as soon as her anger subsides, I am going to try and get back to that. The strength of our marriage is going to be my main priority right now. I will worry about other things much later.


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