# He's leaving I'm trying to be supportive but OMG it hurts !



## AmberLee (Jan 17, 2010)

One year ago almost to the day I called my husband at work and out of the blue (seriously with NO warning at all ) he tells me that he is unhappy. Within 24 hrs after trying to be as supportive as possible I help him pack what he will need to start a new life without me.
Him and I prepare to tell our children. I help him to find an apartment move in etc. I have him come to the house nightly for dinner ( i want the adjustment for our kids to be as gentle as possible) We talk LOTS, we cry,we promise to maintain an excellent friendship.
A week goes by and he comes to me on one incredibly difficult night and asks to come home. He says made a mistake and that we were not what was wrong in his life that our mounting debt was the factor that just caused him to break. Of course I welcome him back with open arms. glad to have him home.
Life moves on we still talk openly about what happened to ensure we are on the right track to keep our marriage healthy.

Jump ahead to today almost exactly a year later. My husband tells me that he again is unhappy and believes he doesn't love me (the way a husband should ) although he does say I am his Best Friend and he wants it to remain that way.

I accept this fully, if it is the case. I have told my husband on many occasions that although I love him very deeply If there is ever a time he no longer feels for me what he should that I will let him go, and because of my love for him I want to see him happy so if he in fact wants to go I do not want to hold my husband in a marriage that he is not happy in.

Here is my fear! He is also very unhappy with many other aspects in his life eg. his job, he no longer laughs the way he did he seems so sad, and he had mood swings ( he will tell me I know I'm grumpy but I don't know why)
I don't know how to handle this, could he be suffering from depression ? if that's it do I leave the marriage and hope he finds the happiness he is searching for ? If he is depressed is it the depression talking and telling him he no longer loves me ? should I fight to stay and try to help him with his depression or give him what he is asking for ?
He has not left the house yet and we have not told anyone of his decision to end our marriage he just knows that as soon as he has the money he will be leaving. 

I am very sorry this is so long but I am alone with no one to ask about this and I have three little boys who will be devastated I really want to make the right choices and right now I have never been more confused.
Any advice or just someone who has done this would be so appreciated.
I really need to know it won't hurt this bad forever


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I feel for you 
I so feel for you

you remind me of me

I am going to speak plainly because I feel that I pretty much have had all those thoughts (my H did it twice as well) 

1. Can you begin to draw a distinction between loving and having compassion for your H and indulging and supporting his every emotion including those which destablise your family?

2. This means that you don't have to stop loving him but you do have to stop helping him.

3. It is HIS decision, his Cr** not yours. 

4. Honestly what do you want? - You want your family intact right? Why would you support him to break the family unit?
Why do his needs come before those of the family and yours?
They don't but that is where is he putting them and so you must re-group.

5. You can't know what is really going on with him - he probably doesn't know - but don't let his depression/confusion/ mess you up anymore.

So practical advice - 
let him go 
don't help him
get the practical stuff sorted - that is how he is going to support you and the boys and how he is going to see them 
other than that don't talk to him about his feelings etc.

I know this is hard to hear but he is no longer putting you first in his life - 
you must act accordingly...
keep on posting and letting us know where you are at...


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## Hurtssomuch (Jan 2, 2010)

Amber I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same thing with my H. He says he is unhappy. He also has a lot of stress and is unhappy with his job. 

He has not left yet, he tells me he wants me to give him time. He has told me that he still loves me, which makes it very difficult. I think he wants to stay but there is just so much he is unhappy about it is taking its tole on him. I also told him that if he wants to leave I will not fight him because I want him to be happy. I am just not sure that him leaving will make him happy so I am trying to work things out. I have owned up to the mistakes I have made in our marriage and I have decided for myself to work on my problems. Whether we stay together or not I have to change somethings about myself. I am working on making myself a better person for me and my children. I have realized that is what I need to do. I know how much it hurts, this sucks.

Do you think he would be willing to go see a counsellor? This may help him understand what it going on with him.

If you think he still loves you than I say don't give up and try to work things out just don't be pushy. I know how hard this is because it has only been 3 weeks since my H told me he is unhappy and |I am trying to cope with this myself.

I hope things work out for you.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Could you convince your husband to try couple's or individual therapy before deciding to end your marriage? Have you discussed the similarity to last year's episode and his subsequent change of heart?

It sounds as of you truly love him. It also sounds as if he needs to really think through what is happening in his life that's making him unhappy. Also, he needs to figure out what HE can do to try and stabilize his life - change jobs, work harder at finances, give to the marriage... etc. Just running away from the responsibilities and expectations in his marriage will not help.

Get help and don't give up!


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## AmberLee (Jan 17, 2010)

Thank you all for your replies. I am feeling so alone and It's nice just to be able to have a little feedback from others who might understand.

Dave is still in a very bad place in is head but I think I may be getting a bit of clarity. I have to admit having done this a year ago with him I never really fully recovered. The experience changed me from a confidant sure of my life woman into one of those whiny clingy girls who need constant reassurance and I hated it.
He still doesn't know what he wants but he said last night that it's the pressure of a family (our kids are not babies any more they are 12,9,7 so it's not a new pressure ?) and us not being able to just up and leave and go to dinner or out to do whatever we want , bothers him. 
I'm left with the thought UMMM WHAT ?? where did that come from and who the heck are you ???

I Still love my husband but holy crap I am soo angry, does he not think I have wanted that kind of freedom at times in my life? Sure I have but I put my kids first and my marriage right beside it. I have always been careful to keep our relationship upfront and not put it behind being a mom. I thought I was doing it all right I haven't Let myself go, we have a very active sex life, we laugh, we conversate, he really is my very best friend. 

I truly don't know what he is thinking but I know that I cannot accept him back in to our marriage and our family at least not right now.
I don't think I can trust him not to do this all over again when the mood strikes him.

I think that's the worst I am madly in love with him, but I know he's not good for me and it hurts knowing that I will do what I have to in order to protect my heart. 

So sorry for the long post but it feels so good to get it out 

Thank you all 
Amber


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## AmberLee (Jan 17, 2010)

Sorry also he is also very reluctant to try counseling


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

At this stage I am inclined to say that anger is a good place to be.
His reasons are not reasons....
this is not logical at all.
I expect that you have asked whether there is anyone else ...and I expect that he has said no 
is this the case?
are you suspicious of this?


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## AmberLee (Jan 17, 2010)

I am 100% sure that there is no one else I did ask him and of course he said no but that's not all I am relying on. 
Dave and I have always spent incredible amounts of our time together.He leaves our house with just enough time to get to work and is always home right after. We do not socialize separately, we even grocery shop together. That's not to say that we couldn't we just always have and enjoy being together.
Also I just don't see him having the energy or desire to be with someone else. What I mean to say is if you seen my previously vivacious,ambitious, hardworking husband you would not use those words to describe him .Now he is always tired,moody and sullen he doesn't want to go out all he does is come home and sit on the couch. 
If I try to encourage him to go out and do things he says he doesn't want to.
In my heart I really don't think there is any one else, but I also thought I knew my husband.

Thanks guys Amber


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Amberlee,

It sounds like depression to me. Stemming from his belief he is failing you and kids because you can't go out and do whatever, whenever. I know it is hard to understand, but us guys will start feeling like that. Like the weight of the world is on us and the ground beneath us is giving way.

I was there. I didn't know it, but those were some of my thoughts. I turned inward away from my w -- started emotionally and then led to physcial withdrawal. I didn't feel worthy. I imagine how my w felt during this time and it pains me. Heck it pained me when it was happening, I just didn't know how to shake it.

I'm glad you are trying to understand him. But he does need counseling of some sort. I never envisioned I would go to counseling or need that "stuff". But I did. That and reading books. Unfortunately my marriage is gone, but I'm not. Not anymore. If you love him and want to be with him, make him help himself. Only he can make himself happy.


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## AmberLee (Jan 17, 2010)

Feelingalone
Thank you so much ! I'm incredibly scared to stay by his side because it hurts so much ,but I'm so scared to leave I do not want this to be the last moments I have with my wonderful husband.

I don't know if he will get help he seems dead set against it. All of the arguments I use he seems able to blow off but I'm going to keep trying.
Thank you again to everyone for the feedback I have no one here to talk to and I don't feel so alone anymore.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Do keep trying to get him help! Recruit others to help you if possible.

I can totally get you being angry. All of us can feel almost ripped off when our partner indulges themselves and we don't. Understanding that depression may be allowing him or even steering him towards these indulgences may help a little with your anger.

And you're not alone


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Seems like depression to me as well.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Whatever the diagnosis is regarding your husband, if he is unwilling to get help...then you have to somehow detach. It's very painful to try to help someone that doesn't want help.

Unfortunately, you are joining the "club" of the confused spouses. Those of us that don't REALLY know why their spouses want out. There seems to be no logic behind their decisions. 

Get help for yourself and become a new you. It hurts like all heck. You will have ups and downs. Read some of Knortohs posts or mine....we are part of your community of spouses that have tried to figure their spouses out and failed.

I've been married for 25 years and recently divorced. He's a wonderful man and father but I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my enemies.

Knortoh has sound advice. I agree 100%.


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## AmberLee (Jan 17, 2010)

Okay so today is better than yesterday (wow that was a bad one) and after praying for him to come to his senses I have realized that I really have to let him go all the way (even in my heart) 
I will rebuild my life I will be a better person from this pain.

But Please guys tell me when does the pain stop being so intense I thought I was losing my mind yesterday. 

Amber


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Has he considered a career change? You might suggest that to him; it sounds like his job is a big part of the problem--the way he comes home each day. Just like women outgrow the SAHM routine, men can outgrow their jobs, too. I think it is much harder, still, for men to accept this and the idea simply does not enter their heads b/c they cannot see how they could support their family in the same way. The reality is, they do not have to; in a marriage, two people can find a way to live respectable, comfortable lives on perhaps a lot less money than they once thought necessary. 

Suggest he look into career counseling, and then let it go. Maybe if he starts talking to someone in this way, he'll be guided toward--or more likely to see the benefits of--counseling. 

As for you and your pain: take a deep breath and realize that part of it is probably fears about hurting your kids. The more relaxed and happy you make yourself, the better off your kids will be. Going through this experience does not have to devastate them; yes, it will hurt but with your help, that hurt will be a source of growth and future strength for them. Talk to them a LOT about their feelings--get them one on one every day or two (not easy; I know!), and talk to them together at times, too. Model "I statements" for them, "I feel frustrated sometimes b/c there has been so much change lately . . ." Ask them for ideas on how to deal with your own frustration, and share with them what works for you. You can share feelings like sadness, anger, joy, etc., at different times. It will create an environment in which your kids feel comfortable sharing feelings, learning to use good communication skills, develop receptiveness to the ideas of others, and ultimately learn to take responsibility for their own emotional well-being. I've never had as many good conversations with my 12 y.o. as since the divorce, and a lot of them are NOT about the divorce but my attention to his feelings and thoughts on that issue has led to him opening up more on other topics (girls!, self-esteem, etc.). 

Time also helps heal the wound of loss in your life--we miss people less as other things/people become more important. The first 3 months were the hardest for me.

God bless. Tough times, but also a growth opportunity. Embrace it and you will be a stronger, happier person in the long run, as I'm sure you know.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

The pain will lessen over time, but be prepared for ups and downs. Somedays you will feel incredibly good, other days you'll feel like you can't breathe, all normal. Are the both of you going to continue to stay together under the same roof as he tries to work through his depression?


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## AmberLee (Jan 17, 2010)

Ash22 
He is here right now with the intention of moving out when he gets some cash to do it but I have no idea how long that will take.

I admit it's hard because I reach for him,but today I started making plans for my own future with the kids and as much as I wanted him to be a part of it It also felt good to be doing something productive.


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## AmberLee (Jan 17, 2010)

Sister359
Your reply made me cry but not in a bad way so thank you. It has helped me draw in a little tighter and focus on getting through today and keeping my kids happy. it's so easy to look and be swallowed up by what will come in the future.

As far as his job we had talked about it long before this and I fully supported him doing something else but he could never decide what it was that he wanted.
We have downsized tremendously from a year ago we lived in a very large 4 bedroom home, had two cars, pool,hot tub all the toys.

We thought his feelings last year were as a result of the debt from all of that.We declared bankrupct and started over.We now live in a 400 square ft rented house and we share a truck. Our bills are half of what they were at the time and thats still not enough for him.
At this point he wants freedom and money and I am sorry to say I am so tired of trying to keep him happy. I don't want to think I gave up on my marriage but I am ready to let him go off an find what it is he thinks he would prefer.
Wether he finds it or not is not up to me I really think I need to move on, but knowing that just makes me sad.

Sorry if i have gone on and on,I am feeling so many different things it's hard to keep one straight thought
Amber


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Amber, you are doing fine. Remember there is no "right" way. Every situation all very similar plays out differently due to the individuals involved.

How old is your H? Could be a combo midlife and depression. And as I said before don't overlook his potential feeling of low self worth due to the events you described. It has a way of hitting a guy and keeping him down for a while.


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## AmberLee (Jan 17, 2010)

David is turning 30 in may and it is really bothering him I will be 33 in may. I thought midlife crisis and depression but then I was worried that I was just looking for any reason to justify everything and to keep up hope.
Do you think it might be?and if it is do I still let him go ? 


AHHHHHHHHH ! Man do i ever feel like screaming,laughing and crying all at once, but then i'd probably be commited. LOL 

Thank you all for caring enough to help!


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