# Young Newlywed in Over My Head!



## geneseeker (Feb 5, 2011)

My husband, we'll call him Jack, and I have been together for 3 years, married only a few months. Jack is a very loving husband, a good guy, caring, supportive, a mother-in-law's dream! But, he comes with a lot of baggage from a previous marriage. He and his ex-wife, let's refer to her as Peach, have two absolutely precious kids, who I love very much. 

Peach is one of those women who follows all of the crazy ex-wife rules. Now, I realize that she is bitter for a reason, but manipulation on her level is unacceptable! I won't even go into that...just know that she is, unfortunately, a part of my new life. Jack's father has fallen under Peach's ways and refuses to acknowledge my existence. I have not even met or spoken with any of Jack's family. *My family adores Jack and treats him like a son/brother.*

Let me say again that Jack really is a great guy. I hate to feel like I am bashing him. Through a bitter divorce, Jack was stuck with a huge amount of debt and a ridiculous child support payment. Instead of being an adult and living frugally for a while until the debt is gone, he wants to make minimum payments and spend any extra money he has on hunting gear, going out with friends, and on and on. He doesn't cook, clean, pay bills, or take care of things unless I ask (more than once). Honestly, it's like I married a teenager. 

I am definitely far from perfect...probably further than Jack. I am constantly stressed out, which makes me pretty irritable. My life is so full of graduate school, work, and taking care of a home, that I find it hard to make time for fun things. And, even if I did have time, I wouldn't have any fun because I would be so anxious about all of the things I SHOULD be getting done! I expect too much and am a perfectionist. But, I feel like my life has been pretty successful so far. I managed to save enough money to pay cash for a very nice, barely used car. After that was paid for, I started saving again. This $20K+ didn't get me a shiny car...it went towards legal fees for Jack to have his child support and visitation modified, and a few thousand towards the credit card debt left over from Peach's home furnishings (NICE!). I do all Christmas/Birthday/holiday shopping for everyone except for myself and pay for most trips to visit the kids 10 hours away.

The savings that I have now, I am refusing to part with. I am planning to keep saving until I am ready to buy a house and hope to have a very nice down payment. Of course, I couldn't ever get a loan with him...the fact that the house that Jack and Peach own TOGETHER (still) is flirting with foreclosure isn't too great on his credit! She was supposed to sell after their divorce, but she didn't feel like it...I suppose Jack is ok with that. I definitely am not!

I feel like I am a tugboat pulling a barge through mud. Love just doesn't seem like it is enough. When I tell Jack that, he doesn't understand why. I don't know whether I should run as fast as I can or try my hardest to make it work. I never in my life imagined that I would get a divorce, especially only months after getting married.


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## geneseeker (Feb 5, 2011)

Honestly, I would appreciate any advice. I hate how negative my post sounds reading it again, and I don't want to sound like I am unappreciative. I am just going through a hard time and was looking for someone who may be able to share a few words and help a little. Thanks for reading my long post(s)!


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. Blending families has got to be difficult even under the best of circumstances.

I am not sure if I can really offer you any advice. But, it does sound like you have rescued him from having to take responsibility for grown up stuff like bills and cleaning. 

Have you tried counseling yet? Does he know how unhappy you are?


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## geneseeker (Feb 5, 2011)

Thank you, notaname, for your response. Blending families has been really tough. His kids can't even tell me that they love me without their mother freaking out (which is a pretty normal activity for her). It's just terrible, and definitely not how I thought my life would be.

We have been to counseling. We went when we got engaged and talked about the same issues. Unfortunately, it didn't really help. It seems like we will get into these huge fights, and he will try for a while. Then he forgets about it all and it goes right back to block 1. I am going to talk to a new counselor on Monday. I think that it will be good to have someone to talk to about everything.

Last week, I told my H that things were over between us. He absolutely freaked out. Right now he is not living with me (he's about 1,000 miles away). And, I figured that before he picked up his life to move here, I should tell him how I was feeling. He first said he was moving where I am anyways. Refused to let things go. Then, he says that he's ok and he realizes things between us are over. When I went to talk to a lawyer, he freaks again. I just don't know what to do. I'm so scared that I made a mistake by getting married, but I'm also afraid that I will make a mistake by getting a divorce. I just don't know what I should do! Maybe I will get out a sheet of paper and pull the pro's and con's list together...it sounds silly about such a huge decision. But, I just don't know what else to do at this point!


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## geneseeker (Feb 5, 2011)

And, then I find out that the's been talking to other women. As of right now, I know about five of them. Says he didn't sleep with any of them, but it's hard to believe. When you text someone until 2 am, then are texting again at 6 am...that screams sex to me. I guess all is confirmed. Now just time for some paperwork!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Jack is a child. He obviously isn't ready to prioritize and act like a real man. Real men don't put hunting gear and other frivolous items before their children and wives.

I would tell him what you need from him, go to relationships counseling, ask him to help make a budget he can stick to and if he didn't put 100% effort in, I'd be gone.


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## geneseeker (Feb 5, 2011)

Then, tonight I find out it has been more than talking. I found out about oral sex that went on before I even mentioned divorce to him. Unreal. When you trust someone, you just don't even imagine these things. How absolutely terrible could a person possibly be? I can't even describe the pain and anger that I am feeling.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I am very sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much more.


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## geneseeker (Feb 5, 2011)

Thank you.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

geneseeker said:


> Thank you.


I'm very sorry things worked out that way. You didn't deserve that. At least you can be free and make your decision without second guessing and guilt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## geneseeker (Feb 5, 2011)

That is very true. Thank you, golfergirl!


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I am so sorry. I know that you and peach are not allies but it might be interesting to hear her side of it in this light... I would be tempted to call...

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this place. I hope the future is bright! At least you are free and have no fault in it...


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## geneseeker (Feb 5, 2011)

It is SO funny that you say that, Shianne. She called me last week. And we had a NICE talk! I was absolutely floored. And, even before she called, I had been thinking that I was realizing how she felt but much less...they had been together for 11 years and have two kids together. We definitely won't be best friends, but she was very kind to me. She said that she was sorry that I was having to go through this, that no one deserves it. THANKED me for taking such good care of her kids and for loving them the way I did, for showing them a good example by being a smart hardworking woman!!! And, she said that I will get through this, I am a strong woman. I felt like such a fool that I just cried. I believed him. How sad. I don't understand how I fell into his trap. I don't think of myself as an idiot...or I didn't before.


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## Asking4Flowers (Mar 2, 2011)

One thing I want to say is never insult yourself. When you get down on yourself you allow negativity in. As women, we always want to take responsibility for everything. But you are not an idiot and your life will go on. You will learn from this but looks like the mister is not able. Having a desire to love and trust another person is never a fault...


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