# Clingy husband help



## eclectic

Good morning all. I am new here and seeking advice. I have been married 20 years as of today! Although I am proud of it, I have doubts about my marriage.
I do love my husband, but am questioning how much longer I can accept his increasingly clingy/needy behavior. He is 48 and I am 41. I'm going to try to sum up my issues without this post being too long or off the subject.
My H seems to be increasingly focused on me, where I am, what I'm up to or doing the last several years. He has no hobbies or interests to keep him occupied. He drinks a minimum of 2-3 beers a day when he gets home from work. His average routine when he gets home is to crack open a beer, maybe mow the lawn or help grill dinner, sit on the porch and read, or watch TV in his mancave. 
In our family life I initiate most activites we do and handle most common problems and decisions. I have been feeling like he is just one of my children and he is very immature for his age. I definitely feel like more of a mother to him and it is killing my overall interest in him as well as my sexual interest.
Examples of his clingly behavior would be: following me around the house to the point where I have to close the bathroom door for some privacy. When I have girlfriends over he always has to be involved and won't give us space. This might sound strange, but he 'stares' at me all the time, especially when we're with friends, watching my every move.
In general he seems too interested in my business. I'm sorry to be so vague here.
What I want to know is how do I talk to him about this without hurting his feelings? I have suggested/encouraged him many times over the years to get back into golf or something else he might enjoy. He won't do anything.
I think it's healthy for couples to have separate interests and time away from each other. Last year I joined the YMCA and working out 2-3 times a week. He won't go with me. 
Any advice or opinions are appreciated.


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## Jellybeans

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him his clinginess is having an adverse effect on your libido and how you feel he should try some hobbies/get outside a little bit more. 

Say it in a way that doesn't hurt him. "Husband, when I don't see you for a big part of the day and you come up to me and start getting all sexy... it turns me on more than when we're around eachother 24/7. And we should try that. Promise I'll give you the night of your life. "

"Husband, I think it'd be awesome if you joined the gym/hobby/club/group. You seem to be spending a lot of time at home and it would be in your best interests if you got some outside interests--for yourself and to get involved in things." 

It IS healthy for coupes to have interests outside of eachother. It's actually prob a good thing he doesn't go tot YMCA with you since you said you feel smothered anyway.

Worse case scenario: marriage counselling to really get to the bottom of this!


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## eclectic

jellybeans,
Thanks for your advice. I think you hit the nail on the head! I DO feel smothered! 
I'll wait a couple of days to talk to him about this again. (today is our 20th anniversary, so not the best day, lol).
He's a good guy that is really funny and outgoing. He just needs to find something to do for an outlet. I notice his guy friends get bored with him easily because all he wants to do is talk and drink beer. I will try again to motivate him. The problem is I tire of having to be the motivator in this relationship. I want someone to motivate and inspire ME for once!!! Does that make sense?


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## golfergirl

eclectic said:


> jellybeans,
> Thanks for your advice. I think you hit the nail on the head! I DO feel smothered!
> I'll wait a couple of days to talk to him about this again. (today is our 20th anniversary, so not the best day, lol).
> He's a good guy that is really funny and outgoing. He just needs to find something to do for an outlet. I notice his guy friends get bored with him easily because all he wants to do is talk and drink beer. I will try again to motivate him. The problem is I tire of having to be the motivator in this relationship. I want someone to motivate and inspire ME for once!!! Does that make sense?


It's funny. My H is the same way and he thinks it's chivalrous and it's not. Last week I had a doctor's appointment and he asked if wanted me to go with him. I said no because he talks constantly and my reason for being there is almost lost in the shuffle. Plus waiting in a waiting room with a 3 year old and 10 month old isn't my idea of fun. Well he drove me there and picked me up. We have 2 vehicles - I'm capable of getting there just fine. Then that afternoon I had a friend come for coffee. I don't get to see her often, and H sat the whole time with us and talked and taked and talked to the point where she and I didn't get a chance to catch up.
It is suffocating! 
No clue how to help, but I hear you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

eclectic said:


> The problem is I tire of having to be the motivator in this relationship. I want someone to motivate and inspire ME for once!!! Does that make sense?


Yes, it makes sense. Tell him!


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## Hicks

eclectic said:


> What I want to know is how do I talk to him about this without hurting his feelings? I have suggested/encouraged him many times over the years to get back into golf or something else he might enjoy. He won't do anything.
> .


Why do you have to talk to him without hurting his feelings? If the outcome of your conversation is a better lifetime, isn't it worth a few moments of hurt feelings?

Does your husband care about the lack of sexual interest?

If he does, I would suggest the direct approach. Most men would welcome truthful input on what is blocking them from sex. I would tell him the reason you are not feeling sexually attracted to him is because he is not acting attractively. He is acting more like one of the children, is too clingy, too needy. He seems unmotivated and lazy. He doesn't give you any privacy because he is following you around the house. Remind him to think how he made you sexual when you were dating or newly married and that it takes certain manly behaviors to light your fire for him. Be as frank and direct as you were in your post. That's my advice.


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## chillymorn

some women are so overberring that their husbands quit partisapating in any decision making because it would most likly be shot down. 


sounds like what happened to you guys.


you might not even realise your doing it.


just a thought. 


lets see if I could give an example........


hey babby I was thinking we could get some pizza tonight.

wife:tonight really I have too (Insert likley activity) maybe friday.


husband: hey hon, Iwas thinking of trading in the car for a pick up truck so I could bring more stuff home from the flea market.

wife: do you really need to bring more junk home our garage is already full of other peoples junk. plus how would we all fit into just a truck?

husband: we could just use the other car when we all need to go somewhere together.

wife: that one is kind of small and cramped I really don't think WE need a truck.



when everything goes one sided for a long time thats what you get a puppy dog to try to make you happy. because thats all hes known for a long time.he forgot who he was in his effort to make you happy and love him.


try listening to him and his needs and encouraging him even if you think its stupid or not what you yourself would enjoy.you might be suprised how different he is.



disclaimer . I do not wish to offend so if I'm off base please disregard


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## LillySue

Not sure if what I have to say helps or contributes. I am 43 and my husband is 48. I am changing and growing, he is not. Great guy but I am bored to tears alot. He is fine with things the way they are.

Could you be facing the same issues? Maybe you are more enlightened about yourself now that you are in your forties... so he may be threatened by that? I think women become more introspective as we mature. So when the men stay the same it is less fun or interesting therefore we start looking at other ways to feed our needs.


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## chillymorn

in sickness and in health for richer and for poorer.........bla,bla,bla


but if I grow or change then I'm out of here!


to bad I took your most productive years and half of all your assests your an imature nongrowing person and I'm bored to tears so see ya I'm on to greener pastures.

for shame for shame but this is how I'm starting to view the institution of marriage.

maybe men have trouble growing when there matched up with selfish wives who didn't think of marriage as a team and stifled the growth of their men by not being suportive or encouraging them to be all they could be.


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## Jellybeans

Hey, now--The OP is not talking about greener pastures and how she's going to leave him. 

She is saying she wants him to be less clingy and get involved with outside interests. There is nothing wrong with either of those things.


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## chillymorn

Jellybeans said:


> Hey, now--The OP is not talking about greener pastures and how she's going to leave him.
> 
> She is saying she wants him to be less clingy and get involved with outside interests. There is nothing wrong with either of those things.


didn't say she was.just making a comment.


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## Jellybeans

I see. Your rant just didn't seem relevant to the thread topic. Carry on


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## Unsure in Seattle

Be direct, but you don't necessarily have to hurt his feelings or whatever. Make it a YOU problem, not a HIM problem. "You smother me" is a bit blunt- "I sometimes feel smothered by you" is better. 

I must say, tho', that a teeny, tiny part of me wants to say something along the lines of "Would you prefer your husband show you no attention at all?" But that's likely just me projecting problems from my own relationship.  Seriously, tell him how you feel, but make sure your hear and respond to his feedback. He probably won't know you feel this way- and he could feel insulted or attacked, which isn't the point.


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## Jellybeans

Unsure in Seattle said:


> I must say, tho', that a teeny, tiny part of me wants to say something along the lines of "Would you prefer your husband show you no attention at all?"


Nobody wants that either. It's got to be a healthy balance.


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## chillymorn

is there enough disposable income for him to do the hobbies he likes?

I know sometimes I don't do what I really want to because I feel there is a short fall in the money dept.

plus some of the things I like is expensive.


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## MEM2020

Eclectic,
This is not vague. Nor is it unfair or unkind. His behavior would kill almost any woman's desire. 

How would he react if you printed this thread and showed it to him? 




eclectic said:


> Good morning all. I am new here and seeking advice. I have been married 20 years as of today! Although I am proud of it, I have doubts about my marriage.
> I do love my husband, but am questioning how much longer I can accept his increasingly clingy/needy behavior. He is 48 and I am 41. I'm going to try to sum up my issues without this post being too long or off the subject.
> My H seems to be increasingly focused on me, where I am, what I'm up to or doing the last several years. He has no hobbies or interests to keep him occupied. He drinks a minimum of 2-3 beers a day when he gets home from work. His average routine when he gets home is to crack open a beer, maybe mow the lawn or help grill dinner, sit on the porch and read, or watch TV in his mancave.
> In our family life I initiate most activites we do and handle most common problems and decisions. I have been feeling like he is just one of my children and he is very immature for his age. I definitely feel like more of a mother to him and it is killing my overall interest in him as well as my sexual interest.
> Examples of his clingly behavior would be: following me around the house to the point where I have to close the bathroom door for some privacy. When I have girlfriends over he always has to be involved and won't give us space. This might sound strange, but he 'stares' at me all the time, especially when we're with friends, watching my every move.
> In general he seems too interested in my business. I'm sorry to be so vague here.
> What I want to know is how do I talk to him about this without hurting his feelings? I have suggested/encouraged him many times over the years to get back into golf or something else he might enjoy. He won't do anything.
> I think it's healthy for couples to have separate interests and time away from each other. Last year I joined the YMCA and working out 2-3 times a week. He won't go with me.
> Any advice or opinions are appreciated.


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## eclectic

Thanks for all the advice and opinions! I think I've found the BEST advice forum EVER!!

Jelly: Your insight is great.

Chilly: Although I don't work outside the home at the moment and the budget is somewhat tight, we DO have disposable income for him to golf, bowl, play softball, or be creative in some other way--I would make sure we set aside that money! I'm desperate for him to DO something besides drink beer!!

I have expressed to him my concerns and how I feel many, many times in the last few years. Nothing has changed, no matter how I encourage. If you all knew and understood the dynamics of of my family you may understand why I feel the way I do. But, ****, I could write a novel!! Let me just tell you that I have no family left. My father died in '93, my only sister died of a drug overdose (43 y/o) in '06 and at the same time my mother was dying of mestastisized cancer, which she died from in '07. The personal loss in my life has been great. I had to take care of EVERYTHING in my life, take care of the kids and home, plus work part-time. Hubby was there, but not really. Oh, there is so much more I'd love to tell you all! All the bad events that have happened have been caused by other people or otherwise unexpectedly. Do I feel like a victim? Hell yes!! So, now I'm at the point where I need to move forward in my life because I neglected and lost myself for so many years. I'm working out, looking and feeling good, and I suppose he's threatened by that. He exhausts me emotionally, because like I said earlier, he is like another child to me. 

The only time I see any hint of self motivation in H is after I make love to him. I can't be responsible for ALL his fulfillment! God, that's too much pressure and burden for anyone to endure!

I'm sure you're wondering if I want to leave--part of me does. I want to be free of the burden, yet I'm grounded enough to know life isn't necessarily greener on the other side. I have to think of the impact a decision like that would affect the children. I also fear he would crack and I don't want to be responsible for that! This is truly a tough spot to be in and I'm sure there's so many other people out there that are experiencing the same thing.


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## eclectic

Lillysue:
I definitely think we are going through the same feelings. I, too, want to grow and change. H is stuck in the past I feel. Like you, I feel bored to tears. 

I know my lack of sexual interest bothers him. Trust me, I DO have sexual interest. But, rarely towards him. I'm aware that I am more responsive when other men give me attention now--its almost like I want them to. Yet, I know acting on that attention is not the solution to the problem nor the path that should be taken!


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## Halien

eclectic said:


> The only time I see any hint of self motivation in H is after I make love to him. I can't be responsible for ALL his fulfillment! God, that's too much pressure and burden for anyone to endure!
> 
> .


I'll go out on a limb here and say that the issue is not necessarily that he needs other interests. Did you word the above quote deliberately? Would it be different if you felt like he made love to you? And he did it because he was confident in himself, and his desire for you?

I think that when people suggest that you might have evolved beyond him, and are looking for greener pastures, in many cases this is just missing the point. When you married, you mistakingly thought you were marrying the man who pursued you. What you got was someone who needs to be pampered, taken care of, with almost no thought in his mind of what a women in a mature marriage really needs.

I'm not trying to insult your husband. Its just that I see this so commonly with my coworkers and friends, and then they just scratch their head when their wives speak words like this. Before you two married, he knew what he had to do in order to win you over. He had to be the kind of guy who decided what he wanted in life and went after it, including you. He knew that women were not attracted to couch potatoes, and he was driven to be the kind of person that women would be attracted to. A man with a diversity of interests, who was passionate about his friends and those around him.

I think it would be painful for him to hear, but he needs to know that you want him to be the man he was when you chose him. A guy who was confident about himself and life, or at least put on a good show of it. Describing the symptoms of this confidence, like hobbies and interests, will not get him to a place of understanding. Our modern society makes it difficult to grow into a type of person who looks at life this way. He should have a mental fantasy image of the man he would like to be if life gave him a do-over. Maybe you can encourage him to be more like this man.


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## eclectic

Halien,
Thank you for your insight! I understand what you're saying about looking back at what attracted me to him in the first place. It was because he was kind, gave me lots of attention, told me I was beautiful, did little things that were special and he's very attractive, still. But, I was young and at the time was looking for a way out from under my parent's thumb, so I moved in with him under bad circumstances, so to speak. I didn't see the pattern of alcoholism in his family. His father was a severe alcoholic, horrible father, and remained an angry, unhappy, lonely, bitter man until he died. I'm seeing the same pattern of alcohol (beer) dependency, denial, unhappiness and lack of self motivation within my H.

We watched our wedding video last night. I had mixed feelings from love, joy to sadness. I remember how I was feeling then: anxious, doubtful. If only I had a crystal ball!!

Now I feel I'm almost 42 years old and it's time for me to be "selfish" for once; to focus on my inner peace, health and happiness!! I want to be taken care of by a man--I don't want to feel like I'm his mother!!!!! I'm not saying I need a wealthy guy, nor am I materialistic like that. I just don't want to have to worry anymore about problems, money being one of them. "Take care of me and I'll take care of you!" is my motto, haha. I feel unfulfilled, insecure and resentful in my marriage. If he chooses not to change for his own benefit and self fulfillment, I fear we may have reached the end of our relationship. If we're not happy with each other I believe our children can sense that and it will negatively affect them. Isn't that worse than a divorce? Of course, I'm speaking of a smooth, amicable divorce, if there IS such a thing.


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## Jellybeans

eclectic said:


> Thanks for all the advice and opinions! I think I've found the BEST advice forum EVER!!


Yeah. We're pretty awesome. 



eclectic said:


> Lillysue:
> I know my lack of sexual interest bothers him. Trust me, I DO have sexual interest. But, rarely towards him. I'm aware that I am more responsive when other men give me attention now--its almost like I want them to. Yet, I know acting on that attention is not the solution to the problem nor the path that should be taken!


Oh boy. You need to get this resolved STAT. What is it that is turning you off about him and/or what would make you MORE sexually attracted to him? I am sure if you told him your lack of sex. interest is to due X.. (fill in the blank) it will definitely get his attention and you guys can work at it. Most men don't want to lose sex!



eclectic said:


> I feel unfulfilled, insecure and resentful in my marriage.


You need to sit down and tell your husband today why you are feeling "unfulfilled, insecure and RESENTFUL" in your marriage. Those are all red flags. Please please nip this in the bud before something worse happens. Communicate with him how you feel. Don't let him be the last to know. 



eclectic said:


> Of course, I'm speaking of a smooth, amicable divorce, if there IS such a thing.


There is no such thing as an "amicable" divorce.


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## Halien

eclectic said:


> Halien,
> Thank you for your insight! I understand what you're saying about looking back at what attracted me to him in the first place. It was because he was kind, gave me lots of attention, told me I was beautiful, did little things that were special and he's very attractive, still. But, I was young and at the time was looking for a way out from under my parent's thumb, so I moved in with him under bad circumstances, so to speak. I didn't see the pattern of alcoholism in his family. His father was a severe alcoholic, horrible father, and remained an angry, unhappy, lonely, bitter man until he died. I'm seeing the same pattern of alcohol (beer) dependency, denial, unhappiness and lack of self motivation within my H.
> 
> We watched our wedding video last night. I had mixed feelings from love, joy to sadness. I remember how I was feeling then: anxious, doubtful. If only I had a crystal ball!!
> 
> Now I feel I'm almost 42 years old and it's time for me to be "selfish" for once; to focus on my inner peace, health and happiness!! I want to be taken care of by a man--I don't want to feel like I'm his mother!!!!! I'm not saying I need a wealthy guy, nor am I materialistic like that. I just don't want to have to worry anymore about problems, money being one of them. "Take care of me and I'll take care of you!" is my motto, haha. I feel unfulfilled, insecure and resentful in my marriage. If he chooses not to change for his own benefit and self fulfillment, I fear we may have reached the end of our relationship. If we're not happy with each other I believe our children can sense that and it will negatively affect them. Isn't that worse than a divorce? Of course, I'm speaking of a smooth, amicable divorce, if there IS such a thing.


It is possible for men to transform themselves, IF your feelings for him are not beyond the point of being open to change. Telling him of your true feelings might just be the stimulus he needs. Of course, it might backfire. Regardless, it probably will be no more painful than ultimately asking for a divorce. 

I don't think you are asking for anything unreasonable at all. Despite what people say, we make choices each and every day about what kind of man we will be, and he did not choose to grow. People just use the crutch to believe that we are somehow locked in stone. "I am what I am." This passivity prevents most people in his situation from being willing to make the change.

You'll possibly get much feedback that it is selfish to want him to be something more than he is, and that you married him for better or for worse. Still, without trying to work to get him to change, your unhappiness just grows. It is just possible that he can begin to make incremental changes that give you hope, and your response to these gives him the courage to try harder. Maybe I'm just a dreamer.

At 46, I'm just getting my second wind. I made new health goals, life goals, and got motivated to keep growing, while my wife is ready to coast into old age. Its been a few years since we were able to take an active vacation together. She is coming around now, and we are growing. My point is that these years seem to be a trigger for issues like these. The rat race involved with the pursuit of promotions and financial security lose their appeal, and we focus on the second half of our life. I hope you find this happiness.


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## Hicks

Eclectic, you really need to know that your husband will change if you tell him what you are posting on this board. He will become the confident manly person you are attracted to. You seem to be writing him off and focusing on others. Give your husband a chance but be real direct with him relating his lack of attractive behaviors to your sexual feelings. Have you ever flat out told him that you are not feeling sexual toward him because of this? Don't write him off prematurely. What have you got to lose? Tell him what needs to change to make you feel more sexual and watch him run with it... And if he doesn't then you start the process of writing him off.


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## eclectic

Hicks,
I have talked to him about my feelings before and he gets angry, moody and defensive. I'm not writing him off though. I plan on encouraging him more to have other things to focus on besides me. I am just tired, mentally exhausted at times and need to vent. Although I do question whether I can remain with him, I do love him and would much rather this work out than not.


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## RDJ

I believe that your best move is to stroke his ego. 

Take advantage of anything he may do or say that is masculine and manly.

When he does, let him know what a turn on it is for you.

On the flip side, when he is being needy and weak, subtlety let him know that it turns you off. You can do so with few words, give him a look of disappointment, or if you must, a very short and sweet comment on how you find his behavior unattractive. 

Last, if you have an opportunity to point out another weak, insecure man, such as someone you know or even an example on TV, you could make a statement how this turns you off. This way it would not be directed straight at him. 

It may take some work on your part, but if you stick with it, he should get the message.

Warmly,

RDJ


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