# My wife is pregnant and I'm freaking out



## Ericlobster

So my wife is pregnant.

She always wanted a baby and I usually shrugged it off.

"Maybe in the future hon" - My usual reply.

What I meant by that was "heeeelllllll noo" . . . 

Anyways, I'm 36, she is 38 and almost at 20 weeks.

The first time I heard the news when she was 6 weeks, I literally died.

I felt this news was WORST than aids / cancer combined.

The thing is we were actually living really nice easy lives b4 the news.

My income was hovering around the 100k a year mark (On and off but still good).

Depending on what I charged my clients but around that region.

We were travelling (Just started business class), and your man here was super care free and relaxed.

Suddenly everything (At least in my mind) has changed.

It's like I was finally living my dream (Owning my own business) that I worked 17 years for and it just got snatched.

I was so upset in the first few weeks that I let all my clients go. 

I mean what do I have to look forward to now? What's the point of making money?

A month later, I figured no matter what is the situation, money and oxygen are always a necessity. 

So I got one of my clients back and just stopped running on my savings.

Much needed relief . . . thank god!

However, money is not the issue.

It's my freedom. Is it gone?

I'm a very young at heart person so I have no idea what to expect.

I don't understand the idea of kids. We were both really happy but she use to say "We'll get more happiness!!".

I was like "My life is freaking perfect now - I'm happy as ever".

Anyways, I can go on and on but I really need some help, advice or tip from someone here.

My friend said "Just relax dude it's normal" but he's single.

What can or should I do?

Love my wife but I feel my self image / goals everything just got turned upside down.

My in-laws are awesome and blessed in every way you can think of but
I have NO CLUE what happened here or what's the meaning of this?

Unfortunately, from my own family side, all the "men" are losers in my perception as they struggle financially and have plenty of kids.

WTF . . .

Sorry if I sound immature just thought maybe someone here went through the same thing . . .


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## Luminous

Ericlobster said:


> So my wife is pregnant.
> 
> She always wanted a baby and I usually shrugged it off.
> 
> "Maybe in the future hon" - My usual reply.
> 
> What I meant by that was "heeeelllllll noo" . . .
> 
> Anyways, I'm 36, she is 38 and almost at 20 weeks.
> 
> The first time I heard the news when she was 6 weeks, I literally died.
> 
> I felt this news was WORST than aids / cancer combined.
> 
> The thing is we were actually living really nice easy lives b4 the news.
> 
> My income was hovering around the 100k a year mark (On and off but still good).
> 
> Depending on what I charged my clients but around that region.
> 
> We were travelling (Just started business class), and your man here was super care free and relaxed.
> 
> Suddenly everything (At least in my mind) has changed.
> 
> It's like I was finally living my dream (Owning my own business) that I worked 17 years for and it just got snatched.
> 
> I was so upset in the first few weeks that I let all my clients go.
> 
> I mean what do I have to look forward to now? What's the point of making money?
> 
> A month later, I figured no matter what is the situation, money and oxygen are always a necessity.
> 
> So I got one of my clients back and just stopped running on my savings.
> 
> Much needed relief . . . thank god!
> 
> However, money is not the issue.
> 
> It's my freedom. Is it gone?
> 
> I'm a very young at heart person so I have no idea what to expect.
> 
> I don't understand the idea of kids. We were both really happy but she use to say "We'll get more happiness!!".
> 
> I was like "My life is freaking perfect now - I'm happy as ever".
> 
> Anyways, I can go on and on but I really need some help, advice or tip from someone here.
> 
> My friend said "Just relax dude it's normal" but he's single.
> 
> What can or should I do?
> 
> Love my wife but I feel my self image / goals everything just got turned upside down.
> 
> My in-laws are awesome and blessed in every way you can think of but
> I have NO CLUE what happened here or what's the meaning of this?
> 
> Unfortunately, from my own family side, all the "men" are losers in my perception as they struggle financially and have plenty of kids.
> 
> WTF . . .
> 
> Sorry if I sound immature just thought maybe someone here went through the same thing . . .


Impact in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1... 

The above is for the incoming responses you are likely to get...

One thing about your post that struck me. You said you were happy as things were, but she wanted 'more'. 

Did you ever consider the fact that her wanting more, combined with her biological procreation window closing, might cause this to happen?

As much as it is in the past, if you didn't want kids, perhaps a more affirmative stance would have been appropriate, rather than being wishy washy, and leading her on.

If you look upon other men in your family as weak, then learn from their mistakes and do not be


----------



## BioFury

Ericlobster said:


> So my wife is pregnant.
> 
> She always wanted a baby and I usually shrugged it off.
> 
> "Maybe in the future hon" - My usual reply.
> 
> What I meant by that was "heeeelllllll noo" . . .
> 
> Anyways, I'm 36, she is 38 and almost at 20 weeks.
> 
> The first time I heard the news when she was 6 weeks, I literally died.
> 
> I felt this news was WORST than aids / cancer combined.
> 
> The thing is we were actually living really nice easy lives b4 the news.
> 
> My income was hovering around the 100k a year mark (On and off but still good).
> 
> Depending on what I charged my clients but around that region.
> 
> We were travelling (Just started business class), and your man here was super care free and relaxed.
> 
> Suddenly everything (At least in my mind) has changed.
> 
> It's like I was finally living my dream (Owning my own business) that I worked 17 years for and it just got snatched.
> 
> I was so upset in the first few weeks that I let all my clients go.
> 
> I mean what do I have to look forward to now? What's the point of making money?
> 
> A month later, I figured no matter what is the situation, money and oxygen are always a necessity.
> 
> So I got one of my clients back and just stopped running on my savings.
> 
> Much needed relief . . . thank god!
> 
> However, money is not the issue.
> 
> It's my freedom. Is it gone?
> 
> I'm a very young at heart person so I have no idea what to expect.
> 
> I don't understand the idea of kids. We were both really happy but she use to say "We'll get more happiness!!".
> 
> I was like "My life is freaking perfect now - I'm happy as ever".
> 
> Anyways, I can go on and on but I really need some help, advice or tip from someone here.
> 
> My friend said "Just relax dude it's normal" but he's single.
> 
> What can or should I do?
> 
> Love my wife but I feel my self image / goals everything just got turned upside down.
> 
> My in-laws are awesome and blessed in every way you can think of but
> I have NO CLUE what happened here or what's the meaning of this?
> 
> Unfortunately, from my own family side, all the "men" are losers in my perception as they struggle financially and have plenty of kids.
> 
> WTF . . .
> 
> Sorry if I sound immature just thought maybe someone here went through the same thing . . .


Having a child is not the end of the world. Yes, you won't have as much freedom as you had before, but dwelling on it is hardly going to make your life any better.

Thus far, you've been your own worst enemy. Letting all your clients go? Seriously, what were you thinking? You weren't, is what I'm guessing. Best not make any more stupid decisions such as that.

Presuming you can get your client base back to where it was, you have the potential to lead an entirely comfortable life. Your life will be different than you had imagined it, but that doesn't need to be a bad thing.

You're going to be a father one way or the other. You just need to decide whether you're going to be a bitter villain about it all, and make both yourself and your wife miserable. Or, whether you're going to adjust, grow a set, and make this the best time of your life.


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## Decorum

I think ypu will feel differently when you hold that little baby.

I had a great single life, did awesome in my career, but looking back the best thing I did, the thing I remember most is helping to raise my children to good productive adults.

No regrets whatsoever. 

Pull yourself together.


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## aine

You sound a bit self centred tbh. If you want to keep your wife and your family, I suggest you get your head out of your ass quick and start to think about becoming a Dad, a good provider and a good support for her. if your actions follow how you are currently speaking, she will pick up on it and believe me she will not forget. This is supposed to be a happy time for a couple one where the H steps up the the plate and is there for his woman. If you didn't want a kid then you should have voiced those concerns and told her before getting married, not now.


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## notmyjamie

Having a child is a very stressful time. And the fear of the unknown can be quite difficult. Add in the fact that you never really wanted to have a child and of course you're feeling overwhelmed. The problem is that this child is coming and unless you want to **** up your marriage and lose your wife and child you need to figure out how to live with the changes that are coming. 

To that end, I think some counseling would be a good idea for you. It sounds like mostly, you are scared because you haven't had any good male role models in your life. A counselor can help with this. Also, I think you should be honest with your wife about how you're feeling. Tell her the truth, you are scared because you have no idea what to expect or that you'll be able to be a good father but that you really don't want to screw it up. I'm sure she's noticed that you've been off the rales lately and I'm sure she's taking that personally. A pregnant woman needs her partner's support and if you haven't been supporting her, it's time to apologize and explain why. DON'T say "I was happy before and now life is ruined" but do say you're scared and not sure what you're doing. 

Also, it's time to build back up your client list and rebuild your business. Parents need money. If you want to continue to live a good life, you'll need money. End of story. 

If she hasn't already had it, go with your wife to her big ultrasound appointment that is usually booked right around now. Seeing your baby might help you to forge a connection now. There are many Dads (and Moms) that don't bond with their kids right away. Don't be scared or surprised if that happens to you. It's a very common thing but people act like the second you hold that baby you'll be in love. It doesn't always happen that way. Sometimes it takes a long time for it to happen. Just keep faking it until it happens for real. By that I mean, hold your baby, care for baby by doing the diaper changes, etc. Ask your wife how the baby's day was, etc. Even if it's not your inclination to do those things, do them anyway. They will help you bond with your baby over time.


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## Rowan

Ericlobster said:


> So my wife is pregnant.
> 
> She always wanted a baby and I usually shrugged it off.
> 
> "Maybe in the future hon" - My usual reply.
> 
> What I meant by that was "heeeelllllll noo" . . .
> 
> [Snip]
> 
> Sorry if I sound immature just thought maybe someone here went through the same thing . . .



Honestly, you do sound immature. Because, as a grown man, one would expect you to be able to use your words and in an appropriate time and fashion. Which you clearly failed to do. By your own admission, you did not want children and absolutely failed to honestly convey that to your partner - either before or after marriage. You weren't just unclear, you were dishonest. You led her to believe that you wanted children in the future, when you actually did not. That's immature. That's deceptive. 

And not only were you deceptive with your wife on this issue, you also did nothing to take responsibility for not becoming a father. Sex causes babies. And most forms of birth control are subject to some level of failure even when used properly. If you weren't willing to be a father, you either needed to not have sex, or to do as much as you could to ensure very highly effective birth control. Not your wife. You. _You_ should have ensured highly effective birth control, via a vasectomy if necessary, for yourself. Because you were the one who was very sure you never wanted a child.

So, OP, this isn't your wife's fault. Nor is it the fault of the baby, the universe, God, the Fates, or any other construct. This is your fault. You weren't honest about your feelings when there was still time to do something about it. And you weren't responsible enough to ensure your own sterility when there was still time to do something about it. Thus, you are left with only a few options: You can continue to behave like a self-absorbed boy and continue being an asshat throughout the pregnancy and your child's infancy, until your wife has had enough and leaves you. You can man up and be a good husband to your wife and a good father to your child, making amends for getting spooked and your temporary (if severe) decent into asshattery. You can let your wife know what's really going on with you and how you really feel, deal with the fallout, divorce amicably, and be generous and good-natured regarding child support. 

But whatever you do, learn to be honest and upfront with your feelings and to take responsibility for yourself. It's time to grow up, OP.


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## Livvie

Don't know what to say except that if having a child was something you didn't want this much, you should have taken extreme precaution to not have one. Like two different kinds of birth control.

Maybe when the baby gets here you will love him or her more than you anticipate.

Being a parent is the most fulfilling thing I've ever done. Maybe it will be for you, too.


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## uhtred

There is a saying among pilots that the least important things are the runway behind you and the fuel you didn't put in the tanks. Which is to say it doesn't matter at all how you got here. 

You will soon be a father. Be a damn good one.


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## Ursula

Ericlobster said:


> So my wife is pregnant.
> 
> She always wanted a baby and I usually shrugged it off.
> 
> "Maybe in the future hon" - My usual reply.
> 
> What I meant by that was "heeeelllllll noo" . . .
> 
> Anyways, I'm 36, she is 38 and almost at 20 weeks.
> 
> The first time I heard the news when she was 6 weeks, I literally died.
> 
> I felt this news was WORST than aids / cancer combined.
> 
> The thing is we were actually living really nice easy lives b4 the news.
> 
> My income was hovering around the 100k a year mark (On and off but still good).
> 
> Depending on what I charged my clients but around that region.
> 
> We were travelling (Just started business class), and your man here was super care free and relaxed.
> 
> Suddenly everything (At least in my mind) has changed.
> 
> It's like I was finally living my dream (Owning my own business) that I worked 17 years for and it just got snatched.
> 
> I was so upset in the first few weeks that I let all my clients go.
> 
> I mean what do I have to look forward to now? What's the point of making money?
> 
> A month later, I figured no matter what is the situation, money and oxygen are always a necessity.
> 
> So I got one of my clients back and just stopped running on my savings.
> 
> Much needed relief . . . thank god!
> 
> However, money is not the issue.
> 
> It's my freedom. Is it gone?
> 
> I'm a very young at heart person so I have no idea what to expect.
> 
> I don't understand the idea of kids. We were both really happy but she use to say "We'll get more happiness!!".
> 
> I was like "My life is freaking perfect now - I'm happy as ever".
> 
> Anyways, I can go on and on but I really need some help, advice or tip from someone here.
> 
> My friend said "Just relax dude it's normal" but he's single.
> 
> What can or should I do?
> 
> Love my wife but I feel my self image / goals everything just got turned upside down.
> 
> My in-laws are awesome and blessed in every way you can think of but
> I have NO CLUE what happened here or what's the meaning of this?
> 
> Unfortunately, from my own family side, all the "men" are losers in my perception as they struggle financially and have plenty of kids.
> 
> WTF . . .
> 
> Sorry if I sound immature just thought maybe someone here went through the same thing . . .


First off, yes you do sound immature. Secondly, it’s a baby, not the freaking plague. You say that you “literally died” when you heard the news. So, you collapsed, your organs shut down, you went into cardiac arrest and some talented surgeons brought you back to life? Why in the world would you think that the news of a baby is worse than aids and cancer combined? You do realize that there are probably posters on here who are battling one or the other, and you just disrespected them in a serious way.

Did you and your wife even talk about having a family before you got married? Are you one of those men who just smiled and nodded without giving an actual opinion? If you didn’t talk about it, you really should have. If you smiled and nodded, shame on you. This is what open, honest communication is all about — being open and honest about your needs and wants. I had a husband who was the opposite of that; he’s not my husband anymore.

It sounds like you’re real comfortable living the carefree life that you’re used to, and a baby will seriously infringe on that. You have no clue what happened here? Really?

So, calming down and thinking rationally… You make good money, enough to support your growing family with ease. Your freedom, or at least some of it will be gone, yes. Things change when you have kids; there are others besides yourself to consider, so you’ll need to get used to looking past your own nose. It sounds like your wife comes from a grounded, supportive family, and it sounds like yours is the opposite with all the men being “losers” (your words, not mine). Did you have poor role models growing up? That could be the root of your mindset on this.

Personally, my advice to you would be to seek help, and to be more supportive to your wife. If you cannot do that, my advice to your wife would be to hire the best attorney she can find, and to hightail it out of that marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm

You should have been honest with her, bottom line. How the hell was she supposed to know you didnt want this unless you came out and told her early on that I DONT WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN. Also you should have been militant about birth control. Now that its happening, you need to step up and actually be a dad to that child you helped create. Stop being so selfish.


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## MAJDEATH

I'm gonna go against most of the advice given so far and say this man is right. She will change big time and having a child will totally disrupt your lifestyle. Sexlife - gone. Wife's attractive figure - gone. Savings - gone. And you will be the third priority in your own house.

How about adoption for cash? Win-win.


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## personofinterest

MAJDEATH said:


> I'm gonna go against most of the advice given so far and say this man is right. She will change big time and having a child will totally disrupt your lifestyle. Sexlife - gone. Wife's attractive figure - gone. Savings - gone. And you will be the third priority in your own house.
> 
> How about adoption for cash? Win-win.


You're very.....abnormal


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## NobodySpecial

Ericlobster said:


> So my wife is pregnant.
> 
> She always wanted a baby and I usually shrugged it off.
> 
> "Maybe in the future hon" - My usual reply.
> 
> What I meant by that was "heeeelllllll noo" . . .


You lost me here. Kids or no kids (well that ship has sailed) learn to SPEAK to your wife and LISTEN to her or you will be divorced inside of 10 years.


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## NobodySpecial

MAJDEATH said:


> I'm gonna go against most of the advice given so far and say this man is right. She will change big time and having a child will totally disrupt your lifestyle. Sexlife - gone. Wife's attractive figure - gone. Savings - gone. And you will be the third priority in your own house.
> 
> How about adoption for cash? Win-win.


MAJ - have you ever considered you are not the best hinged to give this kind of advice?


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## red oak

Your response to her bordered on passive aggressive. Grow a pair. Be a man. Be upfront. Let this be a lesson to always;
Say what you mean, mean what you say.


Ericlobster said:


> So my wife is pregnant.
> 
> She always wanted a baby and I usually shrugged it off.
> 
> "Maybe in the future hon" - My usual reply.
> 
> What I meant by that was "heeeelllllll noo" . . .


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband

I have 3 kids, raising them to age 18 was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I have 3 kids, raising them to age 18 is the MOST REWARDING THING I HAVE EVER DONE!!!

Pull your head out of your azz. Just yesterday my middle son called cuz his snowblower was acting up. 

My phone rings, I say hello, I hear "Hey Old Man, I need your help." I diagnose over the phone & off he goes blowing snow. I miss that kid, but he's got his own life now. (ps - can't stand the song Cat's in the Cradle, makes me tear up)

WTF are you doing letting clients go. Your gonna need money for kids, or child support if ya don't start taking care of your wife.

If you & I were face to face, I'd take you out for a beer & set you straight. Which is what you need someone to do.

The sun doesn't rotate around Uranus, take care of your wife. Be there for delivery. If she wants help taking that first shower after delivery, help her instead of having the nurses do it. She will appreciate the care & attention.


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## sunsetmist

So, your choices are freedom versus child? Just because your family of origin was dysfunctional, it doesn't mean you have to be a failure at fatherhood--unless you choose to be.

You love your wife? Sounds like you love yourself more! Y'all need to have a serious discussion--now. You'll be in it for support, but she can likely find someone to help her raise that precious child.


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## LeGenDary_Man

Ericlobster said:


> So my wife is pregnant.
> 
> She always wanted a baby and I usually shrugged it off.
> 
> "Maybe in the future hon" - My usual reply.
> 
> What I meant by that was "heeeelllllll noo" . . .
> 
> Anyways, I'm 36, she is 38 and almost at 20 weeks.
> 
> The first time I heard the news when she was 6 weeks, I literally died.
> 
> I felt this news was WORST than aids / cancer combined.
> 
> The thing is we were actually living really nice easy lives b4 the news.
> 
> My income was hovering around the 100k a year mark (On and off but still good).
> 
> Depending on what I charged my clients but around that region.
> 
> We were travelling (Just started business class), and your man here was super care free and relaxed.
> 
> Suddenly everything (At least in my mind) has changed.
> 
> It's like I was finally living my dream (Owning my own business) that I worked 17 years for and it just got snatched.
> 
> I was so upset in the first few weeks that I let all my clients go.
> 
> I mean what do I have to look forward to now? What's the point of making money?
> 
> A month later, I figured no matter what is the situation, money and oxygen are always a necessity.
> 
> So I got one of my clients back and just stopped running on my savings.
> 
> Much needed relief . . . thank god!
> 
> However, money is not the issue.
> 
> It's my freedom. Is it gone?
> 
> I'm a very young at heart person so I have no idea what to expect.
> 
> I don't understand the idea of kids. We were both really happy but she use to say "We'll get more happiness!!".
> 
> I was like "My life is freaking perfect now - I'm happy as ever".
> 
> Anyways, I can go on and on but I really need some help, advice or tip from someone here.
> 
> My friend said "Just relax dude it's normal" but he's single.
> 
> What can or should I do?
> 
> Love my wife but I feel my self image / goals everything just got turned upside down.
> 
> My in-laws are awesome and blessed in every way you can think of but
> I have NO CLUE what happened here or what's the meaning of this?
> 
> Unfortunately, from my own family side, all the "men" are losers in my perception as they struggle financially and have plenty of kids.
> 
> WTF . . .
> 
> Sorry if I sound immature just thought maybe someone here went through the same thing . . .


_"I was so upset in the first few weeks that I let all my clients go."_

No matter what, never take your income base (and clients) for granted. This is destructive behavior, and you are not single anymore.

_"It's my freedom. Is it gone?"_

Reality check: You are MARRIED, and it is not about JUST YOU anymore; you have a FAMILY OF YOUR OWN now, and you need to think on these lines now.

When a woman marries, chances are very high that she would want to have children with her husband. Your wife is 38 yeas old, and her biological clock is ticking. This is her only shot, and you should be supporting her instead.

If you were not willing to have children then you should not have married in the first place, or conveyed to your now wife about how you feel about this matter before tying the knot. However, this ship has sailed for you, and you need to understand your responsibilities in a marriage. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.

_"I don't understand the idea of kids. We were both really happy but she use to say "We'll get more happiness!!"."_

I agree with your wife on this; she is trying to convey her INNER feelings to you. Your child can be a source of greater bonding between you and your wife because your wife will feel more fulfilled in this way, but you need to be forthcoming in this regard and not let her down.

Consider my case; my baby girl is the best thing happen to me in a while, and brought me and wife closer to each other then ever before (strengthened our bonding). We had a fulfilling life beforehand but it wasn't enough; my wife wanted a child, and I said "Yes, Ma'am." Of-course, this wasn't an easy thing; I had to sort out 'my issues' first, and I did. My wife is the better provider then me at the moment, but she think very highly of me regardless. When she learn about issues of other couples, she admire me more. On my end, I am just trying to do my best, to fulfill my responsibilities.

Keep in mind that this is not about JUST YOU anymore, your wife's happiness should factor-in EQUALLY. If she is happy then she will make you happy and fulfilled as well.

Relax, and try to come to terms with the emerging reality: https://pregged.com/scared-about-becoming-a-father/

Recommended:










_"Unfortunately, from my own family side, all the "men" are losers in my perception as they struggle financially and have plenty of kids."_

Who is forcing you to have plenty of kids? You only need to revisit your sexual practices. Feel free to discuss and/or explore birth control options with your wife: https://www.birthcontrol.com/options/

Some woman are not into birth control pills (my wife is not), but additional birth control options are on the table.


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## frusdil

You were deceptive with your wife. You should have been clear with her BEFORE you married her, that you didn't want children.

You also should have ensured that she could not get pregnant by using your own birth control.

I suspect that you will feel completely different once you see your baby on the ultrasound screen. You'd better get used to the idea, because like it or not, this bub is coming.


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## Taxman

Well, I do not think that I have ever heard a more immature post in my life. Damn, if you never wanted children, you should have owned up to it and let your wife find a more suitable mate. Then, you let your clients go? Why? In a fit of rage? Anger? Depression? Sorry dude, I have been a self employed accountant with fairly impressive client list for over 40 years. My partners and I have a boutique firm, and we have been in business for over 25 years. This is where I want to be now. Before that, I was in a fairly high powered position in our financial district. That is where I wanted to be then. The announcements of both of our children sent me into utter joy. I could not wait. Having kids made me the man that I am. It did not impede my life or lifestyle one bit. It enhanced my life. My daughter is a revelation. Having her, turned me into a raving feminist. She saw barriers in front of her, and broke through them like tissue paper. She says that I am her cheerleader, and whenever I can lend a hand, I am THERE. She is an obstetrician and gynecologist. My wife has said that she had my son to give me another playmate. He is my buddy, and a regular denizen of my man-cave. We share a lot of interests, and when I am stuck for staff, I can count on my son to fill in (even though he is really not into what I do.) He is as well a professional, there is not an IT system made that he cannot analyse and improve. 

Kids do not slow you down or tie you down. Certainly there are new considerations with kids, BUT I challenge you to come to my diningroom table and hear the incredible discussion, my kids (including the STB new son in law), my wife, and myself. It is loud, intelligent, sometimes profane, always entertaining, and would never be possible without my kids. AND A BIG PS: I am now in the position to be grandpa. I already have plans: Every new animated movie. Disney World. Cruises. Vacations. Sure I will still have romantic getaways with my beautiful and sexy wife of 42 years, but we both get to be kids again with our grandchildren.


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## Lostinthought61

When my wife told me we were having triplets, i had to sit down.....i was taken back by doubt in myself.....that was almost 25 years ago...we have 4 beautiful daughters and thank god everyday that i had the pleasure and the honor of being their dad....no money in the world or freedom in this world will ever replace making their lunch every morning, driving them to school, holding them when a boy broke up with them, hugging them on their best days and on their worse days. Even today when i walk into their empty bedrooms, flashes of memories hit at once and i cry if i had but day to relive them. Nothing i will ever do in this world will be as great as being their dad for one day, i could be not be any happier than where they landed in life. One of them even help create that dragon into space. I want you to remember something...that child picked you as a father...don't let it down.


----------



## sokillme

Being a man is about stepping up and being brave. Good news for you now is your chance! What is your worth going to be?


----------



## MattMatt

Ericlobster said:


> So my wife is pregnant.
> 
> She always wanted a baby and I usually shrugged it off.
> 
> "Maybe in the future hon" - My usual reply.
> 
> What I meant by that was "heeeelllllll noo" . . .
> 
> Anyways, I'm 36, she is 38 and almost at 20 weeks.
> 
> The first time I heard the news when she was 6 weeks, I literally died.
> 
> I felt this news was WORST than aids / cancer combined.
> 
> The thing is we were actually living really nice easy lives b4 the news.
> 
> My income was hovering around the 100k a year mark (On and off but still good).
> 
> Depending on what I charged my clients but around that region.
> 
> We were travelling (Just started business class), and your man here was super care free and relaxed.
> 
> Suddenly everything (At least in my mind) has changed.
> 
> It's like I was finally living my dream (Owning my own business) that I worked 17 years for and it just got snatched.
> 
> I was so upset in the first few weeks that I let all my clients go.
> 
> I mean what do I have to look forward to now? What's the point of making money?
> 
> A month later, I figured no matter what is the situation, money and oxygen are always a necessity.
> 
> So I got one of my clients back and just stopped running on my savings.
> 
> Much needed relief . . . thank god!
> 
> However, money is not the issue.
> 
> It's my freedom. Is it gone?
> 
> I'm a very young at heart person so I have no idea what to expect.
> 
> I don't understand the idea of kids. We were both really happy but she use to say "We'll get more happiness!!".
> 
> I was like "My life is freaking perfect now - I'm happy as ever".
> 
> Anyways, I can go on and on but I really need some help, advice or tip from someone here.
> 
> My friend said "Just relax dude it's normal" but he's single.
> 
> What can or should I do?
> 
> Love my wife but I feel my self image / goals everything just got turned upside down.
> 
> My in-laws are awesome and blessed in every way you can think of but
> I have NO CLUE what happened here or what's the meaning of this?
> 
> Unfortunately, from my own family side, all the "men" are losers in my perception as they struggle financially and have plenty of kids.
> 
> WTF . . .
> 
> Sorry if I sound immature just thought maybe someone here went through the same thing . . .


I will translate the above: ME! ME! ME! I! I! I!

You don't sound immature, you ARE immature.

You are letting your wife and child down and you let your clients down.

Grow up or you will regret your actions.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Mr Lobster seems to have left the building.


----------



## Yeswecan

Ericlobster said:


> So my wife is pregnant.
> 
> She always wanted a baby and I usually shrugged it off.
> 
> "Maybe in the future hon" - My usual reply.
> 
> What I meant by that was "heeeelllllll noo" . . .
> 
> Anyways, I'm 36, she is 38 and almost at 20 weeks.
> 
> The first time I heard the news when she was 6 weeks, I literally died.
> 
> I felt this news was WORST than aids / cancer combined.
> 
> The thing is we were actually living really nice easy lives b4 the news.
> 
> My income was hovering around the 100k a year mark (On and off but still good).
> 
> Depending on what I charged my clients but around that region.
> 
> We were travelling (Just started business class), and your man here was super care free and relaxed.
> 
> Suddenly everything (At least in my mind) has changed.
> 
> It's like I was finally living my dream (Owning my own business) that I worked 17 years for and it just got snatched.
> 
> I was so upset in the first few weeks that I let all my clients go.
> 
> I mean what do I have to look forward to now? What's the point of making money?
> 
> A month later, I figured no matter what is the situation, money and oxygen are always a necessity.
> 
> So I got one of my clients back and just stopped running on my savings.
> 
> Much needed relief . . . thank god!
> 
> However, money is not the issue.
> 
> It's my freedom. Is it gone?
> 
> I'm a very young at heart person so I have no idea what to expect.
> 
> I don't understand the idea of kids. We were both really happy but she use to say "We'll get more happiness!!".
> 
> I was like "My life is freaking perfect now - I'm happy as ever".
> 
> Anyways, I can go on and on but I really need some help, advice or tip from someone here.
> 
> My friend said "Just relax dude it's normal" but he's single.
> 
> What can or should I do?
> 
> Love my wife but I feel my self image / goals everything just got turned upside down.
> 
> My in-laws are awesome and blessed in every way you can think of but
> I have NO CLUE what happened here or what's the meaning of this?
> 
> Unfortunately, from my own family side, all the "men" are losers in my perception as they struggle financially and have plenty of kids.
> 
> WTF . . .
> 
> Sorry if I sound immature just thought maybe someone here went through the same thing . . .


A whole new world is about to open for you. It will be a great new world if you let it. The countless things I do with my kids. Concerts, amusement parks, fishing, car shows...list goes on.


----------



## Ursula

NobodySpecial said:


> Mr Lobster seems to have left the building.


I think Mr. Lobster wanted us to pat his little red crustaceous head and hold his little claw, and tell him that he's the smrtest lobster in all the sea!


----------



## MAJDEATH

Can a husband not change his mind after an unintended pregnancy has begun? If not, then wives should be restricted from terminating a pregnancy unless there is spousal consent.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

MAJDEATH said:


> Can a husband not change his mind after an unintended pregnancy has begun? If not, then wives should be restricted from terminating a pregnancy unless there is spousal consent.




So are you implying that, because the one who DOESNT have to carry the baby or give birth “changes his mind”, the one who does is expected to terminate?? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## oldshirt

I feel (… or should I say - have felt) your pain. 

I was also not the least bit baby/child oriented and would have lived a long, happy life without kids. 

I don't know if I can honestly say that I actively did not want kids, but I was at least completely ambivalent about it and couldn't have cared less about it. 

I was 37 when the unintended bomb dropped. I tried to not let it get me down but it did. I was happy and loved our life before kids. Afterwards it was not joy and happiness and marital bliss. I think that is a societal fraud that humanity perpetuates on the next generation so they don't let the species die out. 

I too was devastated and heartbroken and not the least bit elated or excited. It was more of a source of anxiety and stress rather than a source of joy and excitement. I tried to never show it to anyone but I doubt people are that easily duped. 

I know people will accuse me and all non-child oriented people of being selfish, but why is someone who isn't child-oriented and doesn't want kids more selfish than someone who has them because they want them??? Why isn't it considered selfish to reproduce when you want them? 

But anyway..... 

On paper I was/am a good dad. I did everything I was supposed to do. I loved them, fed them, changed them, played with them, taught them right from wrong etc etc etc etc..... but every moment was a challenge and felt like trying to cram a square peg in a round hole. 

My wife lost respect and grew resentful of me because I wasn't a natural and it wasn't something that I was yearning in my heart and just flowed naturally in my actions. 

I have probably been resentful of her over the years too because in an instant she became a completely different person. 

Either way, it definitely did not draw us closer together. We were good beforehand. If anything it pushed us apart because were so different in our attitudes towards kids and parenting. 

If there is still a shame left in this world, it is for people who don't want kids. There were times I felt like an imposter in an alien world. Like I was the fake in a world of 'real' parents. Like I was going through the motions. 

If there is a payoff, it is now that they are in their teens. I can relate to them and talk to them and do things with them now. They are my best friends. Now I can do things with them and go places with them and have actual conversations with them. 

As I grow excited about their development and upcoming adulthood, my wife is experiencing angst and is saddened that her babies are growing up. 

I have been calling it "Relay Parenting". In some ways she is passing the parenting baton to me. 

If I have a message for anyone here it is if there is someone out there reading this that in their heart really does not want kids or is completely ambivalent about it - DON'T!!!! Go ahead and get snipped. It is well worth a couple days with an ice pack. 

Does it get better? for some people - sure! There are countless stories of people falling in love once they hold their baby in their hands. Hopefully the OP will be one of those. 

Mine wasn't in an instant but something that grew over the years as they developed and matured. 

But there are also countless other examples of people that just simply should not have them and a countless examples of people who simply walk away. 

the truly dark side are the Scot Petersons and Chris Watts of the world that actually abuse or even kill their pregnant partners and/or kids. 

I pray the OP has a big change of heart and is just having some cold feet upon finding out the news.


----------



## WorkingWife

You knew she REALLY wanted a baby, and your feeling was HELL NO. Why did you lie to her (probably for years) and say *maybe in the future?*

Immature is not the word I would use to describe you, you were flat out deceitful, selfish and uncaring. How many years of her life has she invested in your relationship thinking "someday" you were going to be ready for a baby? You would have happily robbed her of the opportunity to be a mother just to keep her with you "having fun."

I don't know what to suggest to you. It's not wrong to not want children, but it's HORRIBLE to lead someone who does on just so they'll stay with you.

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but you may have been enjoying life right now, but trust me, neither of you would be "having fun" if she literally lost the opportunity to have children because of your deceit. Once it was too late she would probably become so resentful and bitter toward you that you would not want to be traveling or doing anything else with her anymore.

A lot of men don't want children but when they come they find they really love them with all their heart and are SO GLAD it happened. Hopefully that will happen for you, but since your instinct was to dump your clients when you found out she was pregnant, instead of picking up the pace to support your wife and future child with more financial security, I suspect that will not be your reaction.

Well, just know the child won't be a baby forever. And kids can be a whole lot of fun, and very rewarding in a much more significant way than traveling and playing all the time. If you build your business back up and make as much money as you can there will be more money for babysitters and daycare.

Other than that, all I've got is: Suck it up, buttercup.




Ericlobster said:


> So my wife is pregnant.
> 
> She always wanted a baby and I usually shrugged it off.
> 
> "Maybe in the future hon" - My usual reply.
> 
> What I meant by that was "heeeelllllll noo" . . .
> 
> Anyways, I'm 36, she is 38 and almost at 20 weeks.
> 
> The first time I heard the news when she was 6 weeks, I literally died.
> 
> I felt this news was WORST than aids / cancer combined.
> 
> The thing is we were actually living really nice easy lives b4 the news.
> 
> My income was hovering around the 100k a year mark (On and off but still good).
> 
> Depending on what I charged my clients but around that region.
> 
> We were travelling (Just started business class), and your man here was super care free and relaxed.
> 
> Suddenly everything (At least in my mind) has changed.
> 
> It's like I was finally living my dream (Owning my own business) that I worked 17 years for and it just got snatched.
> 
> I was so upset in the first few weeks that I let all my clients go.
> 
> I mean what do I have to look forward to now? What's the point of making money?
> 
> A month later, I figured no matter what is the situation, money and oxygen are always a necessity.
> 
> So I got one of my clients back and just stopped running on my savings.
> 
> Much needed relief . . . thank god!
> 
> However, money is not the issue.
> 
> It's my freedom. Is it gone?
> 
> I'm a very young at heart person so I have no idea what to expect.
> 
> I don't understand the idea of kids. We were both really happy but she use to say "We'll get more happiness!!".
> 
> I was like "My life is freaking perfect now - I'm happy as ever".
> 
> Anyways, I can go on and on but I really need some help, advice or tip from someone here.
> 
> My friend said "Just relax dude it's normal" but he's single.
> 
> What can or should I do?
> 
> Love my wife but I feel my self image / goals everything just got turned upside down.
> 
> My in-laws are awesome and blessed in every way you can think of but
> I have NO CLUE what happened here or what's the meaning of this?
> 
> Unfortunately, from my own family side, all the "men" are losers in my perception as they struggle financially and have plenty of kids.
> 
> WTF . . .
> 
> Sorry if I sound immature just thought maybe someone here went through the same thing . . .


----------



## WorkingWife

oldshirt said:


> I know people will accuse me and all non-child oriented people of being selfish, but why is someone who isn't child-oriented and doesn't want kids more selfish than someone who has them because they want them??? Why isn't it considered selfish to reproduce when you want them?


I don't think it is selfish to not want children. But I think it is unconscionable to lead on your spouse with "someday" when you know you do not want them.


----------



## NobodySpecial

MAJDEATH said:


> Can a husband not change his mind after an unintended pregnancy has begun? If not, then wives should be restricted from terminating a pregnancy unless there is spousal consent.


What does that have to do with this thread?


----------



## aine

Majdeath, are you feeling ok, you seem out of sorts on this thread with all your comments?


----------



## Thound

I you literally died, how did you post this? Over react much. Here is how I feel about my kids. I wouldn't take anything for them, but I wouldn't wish them on anyone. My life is so much fuller especially now with the grandkids


----------



## personofinterest

MAJDEATH said:


> Can a husband not change his mind after an unintended pregnancy has begun? If not, then wives should be restricted from terminating a pregnancy unless there is spousal consent.


 Apps are you aware of how outside of normal thinking your brain really is? Now I kind of agree with you about the termineation of pregnancy thing. I mean the father did help create the baby. But anyone who thinks that deciding to give away a baby because the man is pouting about it is a viable option just isn't normal.


----------



## personofinterest

WorkingWife said:


> oldshirt said:
> 
> 
> 
> I know people will accuse me and all non-child oriented people of being selfish, but why is someone who isn't child-oriented and doesn't want kids more selfish than someone who has them because they want them??? Why isn't it considered selfish to reproduce when you want them?
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think it is selfish to not want children. But I think it is unconscionable to lead on your spouse with "someday" when you know you do not want them.
Click to expand...

This


----------



## Luminous

aine said:


> Majdeath, are you feeling ok, you seem out of sorts on this thread with all your comments?


He is merely highlighting an alternative perspective that, whilst not fitting the expected narrative of most others in here, still has a basis in reality, depending on your point of view, and life experiences.


----------



## oldshirt

WorkingWife said:


> I don't think it is selfish to not want children. But I think it is unconscionable to lead on your spouse with "someday" when you know you do not want them.


In my case I did not lead anyone on with 'someday.' It wasn't that I consciously knew that I did not want kids, I was just very ambiguous and really had no interest and didn't care. I was in neutral. 

If my wife had came to me and said she had made up her mind and did not want kids I would have said "Ok" and then asked if she was in the mood for Italian or Mexican for dinner that night. 

I knew that she was child-oriented and would eventually want children and since we are all kind of brought up and raised and expected to have families, it was just something I was resigned to do.


----------



## oldshirt

oldshirt said:


> since we are all kind of brought up and raised and expected to have families, it was just something I was resigned to do.


In retrospect, this is something in our society that should probably change. Unless someone, man or woman, has an actual yearning and positive desire to have children, they probably shouldn't. 

If someone is completely ambiguous or knows they do not want kids, they should embrace that and be ok with that and their friends and families and the rest of society should accept that and stay off their backs about it. 

There are lots of people out there that absolutely should not have children that are being pressured into it and made to feel they are wrong or defective etc that are bearing offspring just due to family and societal pressure.


----------



## personofinterest

I never understood the idea of pressuring people to have kids. I have several friends who are childless by choice, and there is absolutely nothing "wrong" with them. They just chose not to have children. Why is that some shameful thing? I choose not to have cats lol. Certainly we do not want people who DON'T want children being forced!

My oldest absolutely knows she does not want children. I won't go into all the details, but I completely believe she knows what she wants. She also has a myriad of gynecological issues that are painful. She wants a partial hysterectomy. But she is single and 23, so no one will do that. They all say "she'll change her mind and regret it." I think that should be HER decision. But I digress.

I will say, once the bell has rung and your spouse is pregnant and happy, you need to do her the service of leaving her to find a better candidate OR suck it up, step up, and be a father.


----------



## oldshirt

I am a bit older than most here and I grew up I rural Midwest farm country. 

At that time and place, it was a very strong cultural expectation of marrying young and popping out kids.

I was ambivalent about marriage and kids etc and I was often treated as an oddity and even as some kind of womanizer or man-child etc. I dated and had GFs and such and had a good career etc and there were people that acting like I was using and abusing women by not marrying them after dating consistently for multiple months.

I even had some people subtly ask if I might be gay since marriage/children wast at the forfront of my priority list.

When I did get married (at 31) one of my wife's relatives( who I has never even met before) demanded that I tell her when were going to have kids at our wedding reception. I tried to politely deflect the topic and not make a scene and she was visibly put off that I did not have a solid plan in place and was not sharing it with her.

Was she rude and boarish?? ABSOLUTELY. But that is how it was at that time and place; she was just the most overt.

I also had a close female friend who was confident in her choice to not have kids and she scheduled to have her tubes tied in her upper 20s.

The church ladies and middle aged biddies at work were openly disrectfull to her face in telling her she was selfish and self absorbed and even implied she was some kind of hussy and town tramp even though she was married and had been with the same man for many years. 

I would hope that the cultural pressure and judgment in urban areas is much less today, but the pressure and expectation historically is very real.


----------



## threelittlestars

YOU ARE A BIG, SELFISH BABY.... 

I have three kids, I wanted them so bad and after I had them I had a bit of post pardem depression. I think I suck as a parent. But my kids still fulfill me. They bring so much joy to hard times. 

You are acting like a pathetic little brat who had a toy taken from him. You upset the cart and threw a temper tantrum. 

YOU SHOULD BE DEEPLY ASHAMED AT YOURSELF. 

At this point you dont DESERVE this gift, this chance.... You are unworthy


----------



## Taxman

Oh and the literal hell we were put through when we decided that we were done after two. My mother and MIL were put off, incredibly. My mother was the worst offender: I pointed out that both pregnancies were not good, she was confined to bed at the end of both pregnancies, the first for gestational diabetes, bordering on pre-eclampsia and the second for placenta previa. In short, she bled, and was in danger of losing both the baby and her life. My mother said in front of my wife, what if I want a child with the....drumroll please....NEXT WIFE. (What gave her that impression, was beyond me). When we announced that I was going to undergo a vasectomy, my MIL kept saying that we had such a nice "pattern", it would be a shame to stop using it. They both failed to recognize that I stood a chance of losing my wife, and I will not ever roll the dice on that. I had to say to both of them, "Do you not understand that another pregnancy would threaten her life?" My mother said we were making drama, hers got it. I think that we could have handled another child or two, however, we knew the risks after the first, and we had a second. After that, we were both inclined not to gamble. PS, the vasectomy meant that we NEVER again had to worry about trips to the pharmacy. A BAREBACK BONUS!


----------



## WorkingWife

Thound said:


> I you literally died, how did you post this?


LOL, I know this is OT but I have noticed that suddenly there are LITERALLY a lot of people who LITERALLY don't know what LITERALLY means but LITERALLY use the word frequently...


----------



## WorkingWife

oldshirt said:


> In my case I did not lead anyone on with 'someday.' It wasn't that I consciously knew that I did not want kids, I was just very ambiguous and really had no interest and didn't care. I was in neutral.
> 
> If my wife had came to me and said she had made up her mind and did not want kids I would have said "Ok" and then asked if she was in the mood for Italian or Mexican for dinner that night.
> 
> I knew that she was child-oriented and would eventually want children and since we are all kind of brought up and raised and expected to have families, it was just something I was resigned to do.


Yes, and this makes perfect sense. I know several couples my age with no children by choice and both spouses are really good with that decision. I'm really glad that at least now you are getting pleasure from your relationship with your children, and that even though you really weren't into children, you rose to the occasion as best you could. And now that they're older and more relatable it's starting to pay off for you. 

I wanted children badly, but I was never into babies and never had an overwhelming desired to be pregnant. I married my 2nd husband at 38 and he swore he wanted children but kept putting it off due to finances. Then after 40 we decided rather than having a baby we wanted to adopt older children from the foster system, maybe siblings. He swore up and down he wanted to do this but foot dragged for TEN YEARS (sick to his stomach or headache every time a critical class or appointment came up). After menopause hit I remember one mothers day just sitting in my office and crying all day. I feel like he robbed me. When I divorced him he tried dangling that carrot to get me back "I still want children, I'm going to do it with or without you..." STFU.

Anyhow, I agree with you that it's very unfair for people to label those who don't want children as "selfish" -- Are they selfish in general? Or are they just self aware and responsible to not take on something they don't want to do?

In the OP's case though, I was really disturbed by the fact that he did know he did not want children and was willing to lead on his wife instead of just telling her and letting her decide what she wanted to do with her life in light of that information.


----------



## NobodySpecial

oldshirt said:


> In retrospect, this is something in our society that should probably change. Unless someone, man or woman, has an actual yearning and positive desire to have children, they probably shouldn't.
> 
> If someone is completely ambiguous or knows they do not want kids, they should embrace that and be ok with that and their friends and families and the rest of society should accept that and stay off their backs about it.
> 
> There are lots of people out there that absolutely should not have children that are being pressured into it and made to feel they are wrong or defective etc that are bearing offspring just due to family and societal pressure.


Yes, yes, and how do I say yes more vigorously. My son does not want kids. My daughter is leaning that way. Sure they are young ... whatever. My son told my in-laws this, and they just about died. Why on earth would they care? They'll be dead anyway. My FIL asked don't I want grand kids. I am sorry. But what *I* may or may not want should have NO BEARING AT ALL on my children's very important decision.


----------



## Ursula

MAJDEATH said:


> Can a husband not change his mind after an unintended pregnancy has begun? If not, then wives should be restricted from terminating a pregnancy unless there is spousal consent.


It's OK to not want to have children, or to change one's mind about that down the road, but that's something that NEEDS to be communicated openly and honestly with one another. OP outright lied to his wife, and led her to believe that someday he'd be happy to have a family with her, and that is downright unfair to her and to the baby she's carrying.


----------



## Diana7

oldshirt said:


> I feel (… or should I say - have felt) your pain.
> 
> I was also not the least bit baby/child oriented and would have lived a long, happy life without kids.
> 
> I don't know if I can honestly say that I actively did not want kids, but I was at least completely ambivalent about it and couldn't have cared less about it.
> 
> I was 37 when the unintended bomb dropped. I tried to not let it get me down but it did. I was happy and loved our life before kids. Afterwards it was not joy and happiness and marital bliss. I think that is a societal fraud that humanity perpetuates on the next generation so they don't let the species die out.
> 
> I too was devastated and heartbroken and not the least bit elated or excited. It was more of a source of anxiety and stress rather than a source of joy and excitement. I tried to never show it to anyone but I doubt people are that easily duped.
> 
> I know people will accuse me and all non-child oriented people of being selfish, but why is someone who isn't child-oriented and doesn't want kids more selfish than someone who has them because they want them??? Why isn't it considered selfish to reproduce when you want them?
> 
> But anyway.....
> 
> On paper I was/am a good dad. I did everything I was supposed to do. I loved them, fed them, changed them, played with them, taught them right from wrong etc etc etc etc..... but every moment was a challenge and felt like trying to cram a square peg in a round hole.
> 
> My wife lost respect and grew resentful of me because I wasn't a natural and it wasn't something that I was yearning in my heart and just flowed naturally in my actions.
> 
> I have probably been resentful of her over the years too because in an instant she became a completely different person.
> 
> Either way, it definitely did not draw us closer together. We were good beforehand. If anything it pushed us apart because were so different in our attitudes towards kids and parenting.
> 
> If there is still a shame left in this world, it is for people who don't want kids. There were times I felt like an imposter in an alien world. Like I was the fake in a world of 'real' parents. Like I was going through the motions.
> 
> If there is a payoff, it is now that they are in their teens. I can relate to them and talk to them and do things with them now. They are my best friends. Now I can do things with them and go places with them and have actual conversations with them.
> 
> As I grow excited about their development and upcoming adulthood, my wife is experiencing angst and is saddened that her babies are growing up.
> 
> I have been calling it "Relay Parenting". In some ways she is passing the parenting baton to me.
> 
> If I have a message for anyone here it is if there is someone out there reading this that in their heart really does not want kids or is completely ambivalent about it - DON'T!!!! Go ahead and get snipped. It is well worth a couple days with an ice pack.
> 
> Does it get better? for some people - sure! There are countless stories of people falling in love once they hold their baby in their hands. Hopefully the OP will be one of those.
> 
> Mine wasn't in an instant but something that grew over the years as they developed and matured.
> 
> But there are also countless other examples of people that just simply should not have them and a countless examples of people who simply walk away.
> 
> the truly dark side are the Scot Petersons and Chris Watts of the world that actually abuse or even kill their pregnant partners and/or kids.
> 
> I pray the OP has a big change of heart and is just having some cold feet upon finding out the news.


This is why those who do NOT want children should never marry those who DO. Its not rocket science.
Its not about what we all think of those who don't want children, that's entirely up to them, its about NOT lying to your spouse and NOT pretending you want a child when you clearly do NOT. That's just downright cruel.


----------



## MAJDEATH

Ursula said:


> It's OK to not want to have children, or to change one's mind about that down the road, but that's something that NEEDS to be communicated openly and honestly with one another. OP outright lied to his wife, and led her to believe that someday he'd be happy to have a family with her, and that is downright unfair to her and to the baby she's carrying.


I don't think he ever lied to her. He just said "maybe" in the future. Now they have some decisions to make about their future. Adoption sounds like a viable option (and a vasectomy )


----------



## MAJDEATH

Luminous said:


> He is merely highlighting an alternative perspective that, whilst not fitting the expected narrative of most others in here, still has a basis in reality, depending on your point of view, and life experiences.


I do have some personal experience in this area that shapes my perspective.


----------



## personofinterest

MAJDEATH said:


> Luminous said:
> 
> 
> 
> He is merely highlighting an alternative perspective that, whilst not fitting the expected narrative of most others in here, still has a basis in reality, depending on your point of view, and life experiences.
> 
> 
> 
> I do have some personal experience in this area that shapes my perspective.
Click to expand...

 Do your children know you wish you had given them away? I hope not


----------



## Blondilocks

personofinterest said:


> Do your children know you wish you had given them away? I hope not


He doesn't have any biological children.

Divorce would be a better option than the mother giving up her child for adoption. She obviously wanted this baby.


----------



## personofinterest

Blondilocks said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> Do your children know you wish you had given them away? I hope not
> 
> 
> 
> He doesn't have any biological children.
> 
> Divorce would be a better option than the mother giving up her child for adoption. She obviously wanted this baby.
Click to expand...

 If he has raised any children, they are his children.


----------



## Blondilocks

personofinterest said:


> If he has raised any children, they are his children.


Of course, they are. By not being a biological parent, he has no idea of the impact of his suggestion. It is highly doubtful that a woman who has repeatedly expressed a desire to have a baby would give it up for adoption to appease a husband who is so immature that he cut off his nose to spite his face.

She can get another husband; but, time is not on her side to get another baby.


----------



## NobodySpecial

MAJDEATH said:


> I don't think he ever lied to her. He just said "maybe" in the future.


"What I mean was HELL NO".



> Now they have some decisions to make about their future. Adoption sounds like a viable option (and a vasectomy )


Right. No. I would divorce before I adopted out my CHILD because my husband lied to me. That would be a pretty easy decision for "us" to make. Want your freedom? Rock it.


----------



## Jus260

Decorum said:


> I think ypu will feel differently when you hold that little baby.
> 
> I had a great single life, did awesome in my career, but looking back the best thing I did, the thing I remember most is helping to raise my children to good productive adults.
> 
> No regrets whatsoever.
> 
> Pull yourself together.


People who don't want kids before they have kids, still won't want to be a parent after they are born. Either you want kids or you don't. Now that this bell has been rung, it can't be unrung. It's like being a teacher. If you don't want to teach, you probably shouldn't go to school for a degree in education just because you will be able to find a job teaching easier than finding a job in some other field.

Some people want to be married more than they don't want to have kids. That isn't fair to the kids or the spouse who wants kids.


----------



## Ursula

MAJDEATH said:


> I don't think he ever lied to her. He just said "maybe" in the future. Now they have some decisions to make about their future. Adoption sounds like a viable option (and a vasectomy )


No, I'm sorry, he lied. He stated in his original post that what he was telling her was "maybe", but what he actually meant (but never communicated) was "helllll no". That's misleading, and a lie, and it's wrong. His poor wife was lead on for God knows how many years, and now she's going to have some hard decisions to make if her "husband" doesn't buck up and step up. The future decisions don't just include a vasectomy; they include pondering a divorce.


----------



## Decorum

Jus260 said:


> People who don't want kids before they have kids, still won't want to be a parent after they are born. Either you want kids or you don't. Now that this bell has been rung, it can't be unrung. It's like being a teacher. If you don't want to teach, you probably shouldn't go to school for a degree in education just because you will be able to find a job teaching easier than finding a job in some other field.
> 
> Some people want to be married more than they don't want to have kids. That isn't fair to the kids or the spouse who wants kids.


That generalization is sometimes true, sometimes not. He will see if it is true for him.


----------



## threelittlestars

MAJDEATH said:


> I don't think he ever lied to her. He just said "maybe" in the future. Now they have some decisions to make about their future. Adoption sounds like a viable option (and a vasectomy )


You are insane! Adoption is NOT an option when the wife WANTED the baby! 

what planet do you live on bro?


----------



## Jus260

Decorum said:


> That generalization is sometimes true, sometimes not. He will see if it is true for him.


To me it's the same as putting a person into a management role at work who doesn't want to be responsible for people. They were put into that job because they are good at their own job but the desire for being responsible for other people isn't there and it probably never will be.


----------



## Cynthia

@Ericlobster, It is difficult to bare your soul and write a post about how upset you are about something to be harshly criticized and basically reprimanded. I am going to try to encourage you to look at things in a new way. The day I found out that I was pregnant with my third and last child, I cried. My husband, on the other hand, was ecstatic. Thankfully, because he helped me see things in a much better light and my attitude quickly changed.

My husband and I had our first child after ten years of marriage when I was about to turn 30. She was planned, but I wasn't super excited and wasn't really that interested in having children, but once I was pregnant, I realized that it was time to change my attitude and learn to love my child. Today I have three children who I absolutely adore. My life pretty much revolves around them and their families. They are a joy and a delight to my life.

My recommendation to you is to embrace this new phase in your life and make the most of it. Children can be a huge blessing if you choose to love them and you take your role in instructing them seriously. Children are not very smart. They seem absolutely brilliant, but their brains don't finish developing until they are around 25. They don't have the capacity for understanding or wisdom that adults do, but they soak up knowledge like little sponges. One mistake that people make with children expecting too much from them. They seem so smart, and they are, but they are not able to make judgments like adults are. They need a lot of instruction and a ton of patience and love. When you do that for a child, you will be able to develop a positive, healthy relationship that should last for the rest of your life.

I found that sharing things with my children gave me a new perspective. They made life more fun. Everything is new to them and they have zero context to understand it. That builds with time, but it is great fun to engage with them and enjoy their learning adventure.

If you look at it that way, you should find that having children is one of the greatest pleasures in life. They don't take away from life. They add to it immeasurably. I hope you make this shift in your attitude and are able to enjoy your children as much as I enjoy mine.


----------



## MAJDEATH

Maybe the OP was just trying to avoid a big argument whenever his W brought up the baby discussion. So he said "maybe" later. Haven't you ever said something to appease your spouse because you are tired of arguing? My W keeps talking about starting her own business. It is a horrible idea and will never work. But I tell her that I am really looking forward to reading her business plan and seeing the bank loan pre-approvals. I know they will never happen, but it avoids an argument.


----------



## Betrayedone

BWAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! You're ****ed dude. You knew this was going to happen but you still couldn't deal with the reality. Your problem.You needed to keep it zipped or deal with the problem before it became a problem. Welcome to fatherhood!


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

I can't imagine people finding life more fulfilling without kids than raising your own. Kind of the entire point of existence.


----------



## Blondilocks

threelittlestars said:


> You are insane! Adoption is NOT an option when the wife WANTED the baby!
> 
> what planet do you live on bro?


Don't forget that he recommended "...adoption for cash. Win-win". That amounts to selling the baby which is illegal in the US. Totally repugnant recommendation.


----------



## NobodySpecial

MAJDEATH said:


> Maybe the OP was just trying to avoid a big argument whenever his W brought up the baby discussion. So he said "maybe" later. Haven't you ever said something to appease your spouse because you are tired of arguing? My W keeps talking about starting her own business. It is a horrible idea and will never work. But I tell her that I am really looking forward to reading her business plan and seeing the bank loan pre-approvals. I know they will never happen, but it avoids an argument.


We are talking about children here. Lying to avoid an argument is not a great plan. Lying about wanting children some day is a very bad plan.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Blondilocks said:


> Don't forget that he recommended "*...adoption for cash. Win-win*". That amounts to selling the baby which is illegal in the US. Totally repugnant recommendation.


Wow. Really?? I can't find that. That is insane. I mean skip outrageous all the way... I don't know. Is repugnant a strong enough word?


----------



## Mr.Married

When I was 22 my wife told me she was pregnant and I pooped a sack of bricks. 2 years later she was pregnant again and I pooped a 2 story house.
My youngest is in her last year of high school and guess what .... We did it and I survived.

I just needed to grow up and be a man ........ and so do you.

It takes two to tango ..... learn to lead the dance.

You had your chance to say "hell no" but you didn't

Bottom line is that if you maintain the BS you will only both be miserable.


----------



## Blondilocks

NobodySpecial said:


> Wow. Really?? I can't find that. That is insane. I mean skip outrageous all the way... I don't know. Is repugnant a strong enough word?


Post #12.


----------



## NobodySpecial

MAJDEATH said:


> I'm gonna go against most of the advice given so far and say this man is right. She will change big time and having a child will totally disrupt your lifestyle. Sexlife - gone. Wife's attractive figure - gone. Savings - gone. And you will be the third priority in your own house.
> *
> How about adoption for cash? Win-win.*


Are you serious? Is this sarcasm?


----------



## Handy

$100K a year? I raised 2 kids and my was a SAHM on half that income. It is doable.

Point #2, women get pregnant even when using birth control.

The only way to be 100% sure yoy W doesn't get PG is to not have PIV sex, and that sounds like a problem to me.


----------



## Diana7

MAJDEATH said:


> I don't think he ever lied to her. He just said "maybe" in the future. Now they have some decisions to make about their future. Adoption sounds like a viable option (and a vasectomy )


She wants the child, she is hardly going to give her much wanted baby away.


----------



## MAJDEATH

NobodySpecial said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm gonna go against most of the advice given so far and say this man is right. She will change big time and having a child will totally disrupt your lifestyle. Sexlife - gone. Wife's attractive figure - gone. Savings - gone. And you will be the third priority in your own house.
> *
> How about adoption for cash? Win-win.*
> 
> 
> 
> Are you serious? Is this sarcasm?
Click to expand...

It is very common for the giving mother to receive financial assistance, especially for a well bred child.


----------



## oldshirt

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I can't imagine people finding life more fulfilling without kids than raising your own. Kind of the entire point of existence.


People who are not child-oriented do not feel that way at all. Often times just the opposite in fact. 

To someone not into kids, they can feel that anyone that is fertile can bare offspring and there is nothing rewarding or any kind of higher purpose in dealing with a screaming, pooping, puking entity and basically brings life as they know it to an end. 

Non kid people see kids as the end of their good life, end of their freedom, end of their sex life, end of their happy days, end of their career opportunities - just the end.


----------



## oldshirt

One thing that Amy Schumer (who is ironically pregnant now) said in one of her stand-up routines that struck a big cord with me is she said that whenever one of her (presumably married and in their upper 20-30s) friends tell her they are expecting, her initial, default reaction is - "Oh no!! I am so sorry! Is there anything I can do? Do you need a ride?"

That is exactly my reaction as well. someone could be 30 years old and married five years, and my gut reaction is shock and horror and sympathy. 

Logically I know that they may be happy and excited and I've learned to congratulate them and pretend to be happy for them, but my gut reaction and instinctive response is that of condolence and sympathy. 

It's a whole different mindset and mentality than most people seem to have. 

To non kid people, pregnancy and child bearing and child rearing etc are something bad that has occurred and a failure of preventative measures.


----------



## WorkingWife

CynthiaDe said:


> [MENTION=287241]
> I found that sharing things with my children gave me a new perspective. They made life more fun. Everything is new to them and they have zero context to understand it. That builds with time, but it is great fun to engage with them and enjoy their learning adventure.


This is a really good point. I was not into children before I had my step daughters. But there is something so fun and magical about seeing the world through a child's eyes. Holidays, activities, learning things -- things that have become mundane -- you get to relive all those great experiences like it's the first time, and make them special for your children. And teaching them stuff really is so rewarding. Believe it or not, so is making sacrifices for them. Having them turn to YOU when they have problems. 

It's really hard to explain until you've experienced it. Some people really don't like parenting, but a lot of people who think they want nothing to do with it are incredibly surprised with how well they take to it.

I know a couple where the H had no children. At SIXTY his wife comes home one day with her 2 year old grandson because the parents were on drugs. The H was like "OH HELL NO..." Within days he was beyond attached to the little guy and they did everything together - ball games, etc. The kid has grown up to be a REALLY GOOD guy in his early 20's now. Everyone assumes they are father and son. The H talks about how much he loves his son/g-son and how grateful he is to have him, but when his wife walked in with that baby he was TERRIFIED.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

oldshirt said:


> People who are not child-oriented do not feel that way at all. Often times just the opposite in fact.
> 
> To someone not into kids, they can feel that anyone that is fertile can bare offspring and there is nothing rewarding or any kind of higher purpose in dealing with a screaming, pooping, puking entity and basically brings life as they know it to an end.
> 
> Non kid people see kids as the end of their good life, end of their freedom, end of their sex life, end of their happy days, end of their career opportunities - just the end.


Regardless of atheist or religious beliefs, the entire point of life is to procreate. But who am I to rob someone of their self centered ways? To each his/her own. I just think non kid people are suffering from mass delusion if they think they can't have freedom, a sex life, a career, or a happy life. What is the point in working all that hard for your career, all that money and everything if you are just going to die and not pass it on to anyone? I believe it's just fear that drives people away from kids, not any of that other stuff. People are prone to letting fear control their lives and decisions. So I guess that's fairly normal.


----------



## frusdil

As someone who was never able to have my own, biological child, I implore the OP to embrace this miracle.

Not having my own children, especially with my husband, is my only regret and I will take it with me to my grave. I would have done anything to have my own children, anything :crying:


----------



## Blondilocks

frusdil said:


> As someone who was never able to have my own, biological child, I implore the OP to embrace this miracle.
> 
> Not having my own children, especially with my husband, is my only regret and I will take it with me to my grave. I would have done anything to have my own children, anything :crying:


You and me, both. ((( )))


----------



## personofinterest

MAJDEATH said:


> NobodySpecial said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm gonna go against most of the advice given so far and say this man is right. She will change big time and having a child will totally disrupt your lifestyle. Sexlife - gone. Wife's attractive figure - gone. Savings - gone. And you will be the third priority in your own house.
> *
> How about adoption for cash? Win-win.*
> 
> 
> 
> Are you serious? Is this sarcasm?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> It is very common for the giving mother to receive financial assistance, especially for a well bred child.
Click to expand...

You need professional help. Seriously.


----------



## Blondilocks

personofinterest said:


> You need professional help. Seriously.


Yep, I had to sit on my hands for that one.


----------



## WorkingWife

frusdil said:


> As someone who was never able to have my own, biological child, I implore the OP to embrace this miracle.
> 
> Not having my own children, especially with my husband, is my only regret and I will take it with me to my grave. I would have done anything to have my own children, anything :crying:


Same Here. I didn't want the biological children as bad as you but the fact that I never had kids of "my own" not even through adoption is my biggest regret. And I can assure the OP if his wife wanted children the way you and I did and never got to have them because of him deliberately stringing her along, then his fun and sex life with her would come to an end regardless when she finally realized what was really going on in her marriage.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

personofinterest said:


> You need professional help. Seriously.


Adoption or foster care for money is pretty common in the hood. I'm not sure if these kids are getting much out of it tbh. When foster mom is on her own ssi check then gets kids only to get their checks as well. 

I worked at a high interest loans place in the hood for a while. I had to get away because I was becoming pretty bitter at all the stuff I would see. We were right next to the WIC office as well. I have a POS 2013 Hyundai Elantra. Paid a pentaly because we couldn't afford healthcare for my entire family. These folks drive up to the WIC in 2018 Yukons on expensive rims with custom grills and sound systems. Pick up their WIC food. Then come to us to try and get a loan. I could go on for hours about the stuff I've seen. People trying to verify their addresses with denial letters from the state trying to get ssi disability for their kids. Obviously they're not disabled in any way, they just want government handouts. Very common in the hood. Any way they can get government handouts, they will try. Basically part of hood culture. They all know someone who will help forge documents. We did taxes as well. People trying to claim any and every person they can for child tax credits. 

The thing is there's people who legit need help and are trying to better themselves. My heart goes out to them and I'm happy to help. But with our system comes a culture that creates lazy, good for nothing, leeches. Including people who absolutely do have kids for extra income. Had a mother in full sincerity tell one of her daughters who only got about $400 back on her taxes "this is why you need to have some kids." When her older sister who had 3 kids from 3 different men get $6500 back. 

With all that said I feel extremely bad for men and women who want to have their own children but can't. I can't imagine how that must hurt while seeing 40-50 million abortions per year world wide, and others having kids for nothing more than their own personal financial gains.


----------



## MAJDEATH

Blondilocks said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> You need professional help. Seriously.
> 
> 
> 
> Yep, I had to sit on my hands for that one.
Click to expand...

Perhaps my life experience has been much different from yours regarding the value of human life.

But to the OPs question - he doesn't want kids, she does. How do they work it out?


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

MAJDEATH said:


> Perhaps my life experience has been much different from yours regarding the value of human life.
> 
> But to the OPs question - he doesn't want kids, she does. How do they work it out?


Just another example of two people not truly communicating in their marriage. My guess is it will end in divorce and he will be an absentee father who tries to ease his own guilt by throwing money at his child. 

Or maybe he will have a complete change of heart the second he sees his child. It's like turning on a light switch you never knew was there. Hopefully for his child's sake, this will be the case.


----------



## Blondilocks

MAJDEATH said:


> Perhaps my life experience has been much different from yours regarding the value of human life.
> 
> But to the OPs question - he doesn't want kids, she does. How do they work it out?


It was the "well bred" part of your statement that got to me.


----------



## NobodySpecial

personofinterest said:


> You need professional help. Seriously.


I am trying to imagine this conversation. Having wanted a baby and saying so, having "husband" say "gee, honey let's adopt the baby out. We'll get money. I know, we can buy a boat!"


----------



## NobodySpecial

MAJDEATH said:


> Perhaps my life experience has been much different from yours regarding the value of human life.
> 
> But to the OPs question - he doesn't want kids, she does. How do they work it out?


I would suggest he start with some honesty. Kind and gentle honesty. So that his wife can make an informed decision.


----------



## personofinterest

TheDudeLebowski said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> You need professional help. Seriously.
> 
> 
> 
> Adoption or foster care for money is pretty common in the hood. I'm not sure if these kids are getting much out of it tbh. When foster mom is on her own ssi check then gets kids only to get their checks as well.
> 
> I worked at a high interest loans place in the hood for a while. I had to get away because I was becoming pretty bitter at all the stuff I would see. We were right next to the WIC office as well. I have a POS 2013 Hyundai Elantra. Paid a pentaly because we couldn't afford healthcare for my entire family. These folks drive up to the WIC in 2018 Yukons on expensive rims with custom grills and sound systems. Pick up their WIC food. Then come to us to try and get a loan. I could go on for hours about the stuff I've seen. People trying to verify their addresses with denial letters from the state trying to get ssi disability for their kids. Obviously they're not disabled in any way, they just want government handouts. Very common in the hood. Any way they can get government handouts, they will try. Basically part of hood culture. They all know someone who will help forge documents. We did taxes as well. People trying to claim any and every person they can for child tax credits.
> 
> The thing is there's people who legit need help and are trying to better themselves. My heart goes out to them and I'm happy to help. But with our system comes a culture that creates lazy, good for nothing, leeches. Including people who absolutely do have kids for extra income. Had a mother in full sincerity tell one of her daughters who only got about $400 back on her taxes "this is why you need to have some kids." When her older sister who had 3 kids from 3 different men get $6500 back.
> 
> With all that said I feel extremely bad for men and women who want to have their own children but can't. I can't imagine how that must hurt while seeing 40-50 million abortions per year world wide, and others having kids for nothing more than their own personal financial gains.
Click to expand...

I am an adopted child.

You generalization is idiotic and offensive. Don't bother replying to me unless it is to apologize.


----------



## personofinterest

NobodySpecial said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> 
> Perhaps my life experience has been much different from yours regarding the value of human life.
> 
> But to the OPs question - he doesn't want kids, she does. How do they work it out?
> 
> 
> 
> I would suggest he start with some honesty. Kind and gentle honesty. So that his wife can make an informed decision.
Click to expand...

Yes....this is sanity


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

personofinterest said:


> I am an adopted child.
> 
> You generalization is idiotic and offensive. Don't bother replying to me unless it is to apologize.


Not sure what I said to offend you or anyone adopted or that choose to adopt, but I apologize. It's no secret people take advantage of children in many ways for their own personal gain. Including foster care. That's not to say all, most, or even a significantly large number do, but I've seen examples of it myself. That's why I had to get away from that job because I was becoming increasingly bitter about our government assistance programs. Also, its a pretty crappy line of work essentially taking advantage of people for their own profits and there was a lot of stuff I wasn't comfortable with doing that I was asked to do. I didn't last long there. Ended up jisr quitting on the spot after 5 months. I would rather withdraw from 401k then continue to work there.


----------



## personofinterest

TheDudeLebowski said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am an adopted child.
> 
> You generalization is idiotic and offensive. Don't bother replying to me unless it is to apologize.
> 
> 
> 
> Not sure what I said to offend you or anyone adopted or that choose to adopt, but I apologize. It's no secret people take advantage of children in many ways for their own personal gain. Including foster care. That's not to say all, most, or even a significantly large number do, but I've seen examples of it myself. That's why I had to get away from that job because I was becoming increasingly bitter about our government assistance programs. Also, its a pretty crappy line of work essentially taking advantage of people for their own profits and there was a lot of stuff I wasn't comfortable with doing that I was asked to do. I didn't last long there. Ended up jisr quitting on the spot after 5 months. I would rather withdraw from 401k then continue to work there.
Click to expand...

I must have rearranged words in my head.

I thought you said adoption and foster care ARE basically using children for money and THEN went on to say it was common in the hood.

Sorry that I must have grossly misread.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

personofinterest said:


> I thought you said adoption and foster care ARE basically using children for money and THEN went on to say it was common in the hood.


No, and perhaps I could have worded that better. My wife and I have put serious thought into foster care once our two go off to college. We had our kids young enough that we will have a lot left to give before our gloden years. Not to say someone fostering children in their later years aren't doing great work. I just can't imagine empty nesting at 45. We'll be even more financially stable in 10 years and what are the two of us going to do that is significant at that point if we don't have kids to look after and care for?


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Hey OP,
Have you ever had a contract out on your life while having the plague and being in Siberia w/ only shorts and flip flops on? Well that's "literally" a walk in the park compared to having a kid. You are about to do something no one on earth has ever done before. How will you survive?
Seriously though, frickin' get a grip and man the **** up. Look at the bright side (especially for the kid), *Maybe it's not yours.*
You actually abandoned your own business when you found out? 
Wow!
SMDH


----------



## WorkingWife

personofinterest said:


> I am an adopted child.
> 
> You generalization is idiotic and offensive. Don't bother replying to me unless it is to apologize.


I am adopted. What was offensive in his post? What am I missing?


----------



## frusdil

Blondilocks said:


> You and me, both. ((( )))


(((Hugs)))



MAJDEATH said:


> Perhaps my life experience has been much different from yours regarding the value of human life.
> 
> But to the OPs question - he doesn't want kids, she does. How do they work it out?


He knew she wanted children, he also knew he didn't. He should have spoken up much sooner and taken extra precautions with birth control if he was that sure of himself.

Anyway, too late now, that ship has sailed. That bub is coming whether he likes it or not.


----------



## MAJDEATH

frusdil said:


> (((Hugs)))
> 
> 
> 
> He knew she wanted children, he also knew he didn't. He should have spoken up much sooner and taken extra precautions with birth control if he was that sure of himself.
> 
> Anyway, too late now, that ship has sailed. That bub is coming whether he likes it or not.


She knew he didn't want kids. She knew she did. She should have thought about that before marriage. Where were her birth control measures?


----------



## personofinterest

MAJDEATH said:


> frusdil said:
> 
> 
> 
> (((Hugs)))
> 
> 
> 
> He knew she wanted children, he also knew he didn't. He should have spoken up much sooner and taken extra precautions with birth control if he was that sure of himself.
> 
> Anyway, too late now, that ship has sailed. That bub is coming whether he likes it or not.
> 
> 
> 
> She knew he didn't want kids. She knew she did. She should have thought about that before marriage. Where were her birth control measures?
Click to expand...

Nope, she didn't know.

You are wrong, sweetie pie


----------



## NobodySpecial

MAJDEATH said:


> _*She knew he didn't want kids*_. She knew she did. She should have thought about that before marriage. Where were her birth control measures?


Your attempt to justify this because it resonates with some feeling you have that you have been cheated includes just ignoring the facts. She did not know he did not want kids. Because _he lied to her_.


----------



## frusdil

MAJDEATH said:


> She knew he didn't want kids. She knew she did. She should have thought about that before marriage. Where were her birth control measures?


No she didn't know. He was very wishy washy and led her to believe that "sometime in the future" they would have children. He never definitively told her he didn't want them.


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## uhtred

Some things do not allow compromise - children are one of these. This should be discussed early, and if there is a disagreement, the relationship should end. This is just too important. 

OTOH people's feelings can change. If you have been married 10 years, and them someone decides that children are the most important thing in the world to them, but you don't want children, you are in a truly horrible spot.

If a woman who wants children accidentally gets pregnant form a husband who doesn't, you are in a horrible spot.


This is one of the many things that children should be taught about relationships when they are growing up. 

No matter how it happened, once you have children, they are your to responsibility. 




MAJDEATH said:


> Perhaps my life experience has been much different from yours regarding the value of human life.
> 
> But to the OPs question - he doesn't want kids, she does. How do they work it out?


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## Rob_1

Well, the original OP was a one hit wonder, but the tread has taking a life of its own.


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## BigToe

Ericlobster said:


> Sorry if I sound immature just thought maybe someone here went through the same thing . . .


Grow up. Sorry if I sound condescending. Yes, you can be sure hundreds of millions have gone through the same thing, seeding a baby and living a wonderful life regardless.


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## Betrayedone

OP doesn't have the nads to reply to the heat........


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## TheDudeLebowski

Betrayedone said:


> OP doesn't have the nads to reply to the heat........


Are you surprised? Clearly the OP laid out he's a spineless worm. Imagine stringing along the person you made vows go for years on end. A decade even. The very person you made public vows to be open and honest with. To love and cherish more than any other, including self. Through thick and thin. 

This is a guy who strung along a person for a decade. Lied about his intentions. Then when the crap hit the fan, made even more incredibly stupid and rash decisions regarding his own career. I don't know the guy, but simply based on the story he gave us about himself in a single post, he's a real grade A loser and POS. His poor wife. Hope the OP locates his ball sack, realizes he is in fact a man, and steps up and does his best as a husband and father. If not, well, I don't feel sorry for men like him who feel the full brunt of the legal systems when she gets full custody, takes half his **** in divorce, and throw in alimony for having wasted some of the best years in her life with a loser like that. 

Sometimes I think the courts are unfair. Sometimes I agree with the decisions and don't feel bad for the stupid loser husband one single bit.


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## Diana7

To deceive someone for years about wanting children, to marry someone knowing that they want children and you don't, is appalling and cruel.


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## MattMatt

Elvis seems to have left the building.


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## Taxman

MattMatt said:


> Elvis seems to have left the building.


Truth hurts.


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## Ericlobster

Horrible news but I had to come back and share it. 

I hope I can save someone.

We were on our way to having a perfectly healthy boy and at 5.1 months then suddenly, stillbirth.

Knot in the umbilical cord. This was just a week or so before I finally started thinking that having a child is ok.

I had no idea I would madly fall in love with this child right after he passed away. Now we have nothing.

I don't know why I rejected him from the beginning, I just had no clue, no awareness of how lucky I was. 

How such a beautiful lady decided to have a baby with me and I just don't know . . .

She didn't deserve this at all. Nobody does. 

I remember how she cried when the doctor confirmed the baby is not moving. 

Mother's cry... I will never forget it. Why me!! Why me!!! My baby!!! Our baby   

Then going through the whole procedure, watching my wife go through all that pain and suffering.

She didn't deserve this at all. She's a kind alpha female but I've never seen her this weak. Especially
when walking to the hospital, squeezing my hand and her shoulders all shrugged. I've never seen her so scared.

We had no family there, just us and an incredible midwife angel.

The best time of my life was holding our little baby and playing hide and seek with it in the hospital room.

WTF was I thinking????? Horrible perception of life I had.

She's now with her mum recovering - Thank god for her parents for always helping me as well.

I remember at least 3 times I made her so upset during her pregnancy that she started crying. 

She even cried in the shower because of me a couple times. 

I can't even picture that without crying myself . . . WTF was wrong with me.

How can I make a pregnant woman cry? With my own baby inside her?

I always made sure she was super happy and this was her final dream, 
why didn’t I come to my senses - why!!!! WTF!

WTF was I thinking???!!!!!!!

Anyways . . .

I just want to say that I haven't stopped crying, we both can cry at a drop of a hat and yeah . . . for DUMBASSES
like me who think having a child is anything but an incredible blessing . . . 

You're not a man bro.

You're not.

You're just not.

What's the point of having a life when you have no family? 

Heck a child is what officially makes you a family. It's a piece of you and who you love.

It’s normal, it’s evolution it’s like the best part of being alive. 

I can't even read that VILE UGLY initial post. Shame on me for those disgusting thoughts.

I still don't know how I thought this would be anything but a blessing, I just don't know where those thoughts came from.

I'm a loving caring person but I don't know how I acted like this about this topic.

I was worried about money but I found out we had enough in savings (People in mud huts are having babies).

I was worried about providing a healthy environment but her parents and her side of the family
were static about the news.

ALL THIS IS JUST LOW LIFE EXCUSES!!!! When such a blessing comes, you always find a way. 

Whatever you are worried about with having a baby is all bull!!! It’s just your $hitty perception on life. 
Which is probably based on your own side of the family. It's false. 

God / the Universe please give us a second chance (PLEASE!!!!!), we are both waiting here with open arms.

Please make us a family again god. Please 

Oh man . . . 

The tears are flowing like water.

If you don’t want a baby and you’re a guy, it’s because you were raised in a **** environment yourself.

F your past. Have lots of kids and raise your own family.

Your past doesn’t define you.

You do.

Make your own family. Screw your parents or other family. You make your own family like a man.

I wish I came to my senses. I miss our little boy so much - We’ll miss you FOREVER my luv - FOREVER!!!!!

Thank you for teaching me what love and family is - I wish there was a better way to learn all this.

LUV U MISS U SON - MISS U LIKE CRAZY 

Our hearts are shattered. Please pray for us. Please pray we get another go at this. 

She’s so dedicated that she’s now removing her fibroid that may have played a part.

It wasn’t that, I know it was my extreme lack of support. I feel our little cutie came to teach papa a lesson   

Lesson learned son lesson learned. LOVE U and please come back. We’re waiting for you.

Both of us never had to see the hospital in our entire lives as we’ve always been healthy but now everything has changed . . .

If someone you truly love, wants to have a baby with you, you f’n go start a family.

I don’t deserve anyone’s sympathy for what I said and how I acted, but I sincerely hope you don’t do what I did.

Love your lady. Make her happy, especially during this time. You’re about to have the best gift in the world. Celebrate together.
Even if conditions don't seem ideal. Even if your apartment isn't big enough, even if your business is unstable. Again, it's all in your head, just bring that bundle of joy in and all will be fine. You'll figure it out.

Having a child is a blessing beyond you can imagine. It’s god rewarding you with love energy
that you and your partner made together. 

You don’t need anyone, just you three are perfectly fine.

Only LOVE matters.

*sighs*

Sorry my luv - I just didn't know - We're waiting for you - See you soon


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