# We've decided to divorce...so many questions and concerns



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Well, last night we officially decided to divorce. At least in my mind that is what happened. He is forcing me to make all the decisions, it seems. So I guess it can be my fault.

Married 16 years. Three children (14, 7, 4).

We live with my parents. 

We will need to save up money. I asked him if we could be friends and work together to get us both in a good place for the kids. He seemed to agree to that.

So, even though we have decided that this is our course I do not see him moving out until June, after school ends.

Right now he is sleeping in one of the kids room. I am thinking maybe we should bunk two of the kids and get him a queen bed for the other room. He can take it with him when he moves in June. It should make things more comfortable while he is still here.

One of our big problems is that he does not want me to have any say or control over our children's religious upbringing. I no longer believe in the church we are members of. I would like to do other things with the kids half the Sunday's and he says that church is non-negotiable. 

I am a tiny bit worried that he will try to get custody because he did make mention of me getting the kids two weekends and I can do whatever I want the rest of the time. I do not know if he really meant as in visitation or as in church/Sunday activities. 
Twice in our conversation last night I made it clear I want joint custody and 50/50. Although, I would still like to care for them while he is at work (I work at home), but I did not get into details like that.

He said he is going to have his paycheck go into his credit union account and transfer money to the joint account each month. My money all gets put into the joint account. I do have an online checking and online savings that I transfer money into.

I'm a little worried about the financial stuff. Oh, he went through bankruptcy this summer. 

We have nothing, basically. He got a new used car and has a payment on it. I have the old falling apart minivan that is paid for.

I do not know when to tell the kids.

I do not know when to get a lawyer.

I do not know when to start telling friends and family so that I can use them for support.

Should we do MC to help us with the exit or would mediation be a better fit at this point?

I am lost!


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Sorry you are in this predicament. I am in the same situation and don't know what to do either.


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

Starting telling people when you are ready to and if you need help let them help you. I wish I had more to offer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to start protecting yourself financially. Keep as little money as possible in the joint account. depending on which state you live in, the date you decide to divorce is the date of your separation. 

Do something to get a record of this date. For example send him email to dicuss finding a mediator. Get some responses from him and keep those emails.

Do some research online for the divorce laws in your state. YOu can get interviews with attornies to find out what your rights are.... many attornies give half hour to one hour free consultation. See what you can learn.

If the two of you can use a mediator it will save you a lot of money.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Thank you for the replies!

I've already talked to my mom. Mostly because we live together and she isn't stupid. It's pretty obvious this has been on the horizon for awhile. We don't fight...but we don't talk, either.

He has officially moved into one of the kids rooms and the two youngest are bunked together for the transition, at least.

I will start gathering names of attorneys and get info on mediation. 

I will also start to protect myself financially.

I'm also going to start IC for myself and am considering it for my 14 yr old who is having some struggles with school...and he isn't stupid either. He knows it isn't a good sign that dad is not sleeping with mom.

Oh, I am also focusing all my time and energy into my kids and planning. I want to make sure it is clear and obvious that I am the one who does nearly everything for the children.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I bought a book today. I feel a lot more in control as I now have a list of step to follow.

I sent an email to H about finances. I'm very concerned about finances. I just don't even know how we are going to manage this.
Found out that H was supposed to start paying on his student loan again last month and he didn't. So, to pay last and this months payment is $1300+. Argh.

Now I have to figure out how to tell the kids. The oldest, 14, will need to be told. He already knows there is an issue. I'm sure my middle child senses something, too, since we aren't in the same bedroom. I don't want to wait too long.


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