# Did my wife have a one night stand?



## lanbcit68 (Jul 16, 2014)

My wife and I have been married for 15 years, I am 42 and she is 40. Three months ago we had a big fight and we did not talk to each other for a week. During that week, for a few nights she went out just before I get home from work and don't return until 12. As soon as she got home she went straight to her computer and chat with someone online.

After a week, we resolved we problems and that`s when things went strange.

She would go out with me and buy really sexy lingerie. For a month we would have really good sex and in the past she never gave me oral sex but that month was different. She would put on the sexy outfit and did things that she would not do for the past no matter how many times I asked. I asked her why the changes and she just said I have not been fair to you before.

After about a month or so she went back to the usual boring way and no kissing or touching during sex.

I am confused about the short sudden change after the fight. Where did she go during those nights? Did she have a one night stand with someone she meet online?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Well, you have some red flags but no real proof. You certainly have enough to warrant monitoring her. In addition you should check her on-line cell phone records for texts, calls to unknown numbers, etc. Pay close attention to the dates and times she was out late. Check her internet history for sites visited and searches.

You'll get a lot of help here with the monitoring methods, but they include:

VAR (voice activated recorder in her car)
spyware on cell phone
key logger on her computer
GPS tracker on her cell or in her car

More extreme: PI and polygraph test.

Is she guarding her phone? Is she deleting texts? Do you have free access to her phone and computer?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Mmm after 15 years she suddenly starts all that !?

You can't be sure but that all sounds very very suspicious to me 

I'm guessing yes.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

lanbcit68 said:


> I am confused about the short sudden change after the fight. Where did she go during those nights? Did she have a one night stand with someone she meet online?


Hard to tell if she had a PA...who was she chatting online with? Has she cheated in the past? Where did she say she went on those nights out? What does YOUR gut tell you?

Do you have access to online logs/history? Do you have access to the phone bill? Are you paying attention to her mileage on her car? Does she hide/keep/secure her phone from you? Some things to think about doing now. If she doesn't continue that type of behavior (which is good) you may never find out what she was doing.

Don't be surprised if more than one person suggests here that she was 'practicing' on you for another person.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

By the way, fight or no fight;her staying out late and you not knowing where she is, crosses a marital boundary and you shouldn't have accepted it. At some point you need to simply ask her what she was doing and tell her that can't happen again. 

You might want to wait to confront her though, after you've had a chance to monitor her.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening lanbcit68 
It is also possible that she was tempted by the thought or an affair and that made her realize that she had not be paying you enough attention. Maybe she did the right thing and tried to fix things at home rather than go outside.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

do you have access to her emails?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Maybe it was just make up sex. She made up with you and now that the dust has settled, she can go back being the normal or abnormal boring wife and hope you don't question or snoop about her whereabouts. Pretty good tactic IMO.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening lanbcit68
> It is also possible that she was tempted by the thought or an affair and that made her realize that she had not be paying you enough attention. Maybe she did the right thing and tried to fix things at home rather than go outside.





6301 said:


> Maybe it was just make up sex. She made up with you and now that the dust has settled, she can go back being the normal or abnormal boring wife and hope you don't question or snoop about her whereabouts. Pretty good tactic IMO.


Oh, maybe not.

You posting here shows that your gut is telling you something.

Your best friend is the VAR and other monitoring device. Go detective mode for a while.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

maybe not. 

Perhaps your response to the fight (your making up) was especially good, it answered her questions, and fears,about the relationship. Maybe it was like a giant fitness test to see if you really still loved her, and would fight for the relationship. 

Emotional blackmail? yes. Immature? yes. Happens? yes.

Was sex mentioned during the fight? was it a factor (dead bedroom, etc)?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Find out who she was talking to and going out with at that time.

Check phone records and access her e-mail and Facebook conversations from that time.

One possibility is indeed a fling/affair she was engaged in at the time. 

Another could be a friend or relative who told her to start working on the issues in your M if she cared about fixing it.

No way to tell at this point.

I do not think you should question her about these sudden changes, and equally sudden reversal back to the norm, until you have monitoring methods in place such as those suggested by badmemory.

After they are in place, you can calmly confront/question her on the odd behavior and change.

Then sit back and monitor extensively.

She will undoubtedly deny anything going on...but if there is anything there she will reach out to either a friend/confidant who knows what happened or the AP themselves talking about how you are suspicious.

If nothing happened, she will still reach out to her closest friends and tell them about your worries on the issue.

Either way, the monitoring will have a good chance of revealing to you if something has happened.

Good luck.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

My guess...she hooked up with a guy when she went out, felt guilty afterwards and tried to assuage her conscience by sexing you up. Once her guilt was gone so was the increased sex. Her chatting online may have been with the guy or with one of her friends for advice. Is she still acting distant? Is she still displaying red flags?


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

sorry you are here. 
you have been given some great suggestions. if you want to uncover the truth, get busy now. 

and i gotta say it - wth is up with wives not giving oral? how do you even make it down the aisle with someone that doesn't like to please you that way? i do not understand.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you MUST KNOW----make her take a POLYGRAPH----it may cause your mge to go down the drain, on trust issues, in re: her side of the mge ---but right now it seems to be slipping away anyway


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

It sounds like your wife had a fight with her boyfriend, was pissed off, had a fight with you.

Then replaced him with you for a month.

Then makes up with the BF and you are back to normal, straight boring sex.

Did I leave anything out?

Enough red flags. Follow the previous advice and look for the OM. I do not think it was a ONS at all.

Just a break from her affair.

Time will tell. Be quiet and investigate.

Maybe my imagination is running wild today.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hmm... Hard to say. Definitely some orange/red flags, though. Time to start digging.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What was the initial fight about that you didn't speak for a week? Who instigated the fight? 

If she chastised you for leaving dirty dishes in the sink, then didn't speak to you for a week, it was her way of rationalizing stepping out.

What kind of phone does she have? Do you have access to the billing statement? Have you searched her phone messages, calls, texts, FB messages, linkedIn messages, online games such as Words (most have chat features). Check phone browser (safari) history. If she is emailing him it could be from a secret Account that the phone isn't set up for. 

Or, could be nothing.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Start checking up on her. Don't let her know what you are doing. Don't let on what you are thinking. Act completely normal. If nothing turns up, fine. No harm.

Don't start worrying about the following, just a list of items to consider. So don't get excited.

Go 007 on her. VAR in car, check emails, sent and deleted, browser history, be on look out for burner phones. Install tracking software on PC. Webwatcher or whatever. You can recover deleted messages off iPhones too. Browser history may show new email accounts. Also watch for default logins for email may show a different one in the login screen.

Does she keep her phone close to her now-a-days. Other behaviors changing. Disappears to talk on the phone or messages. Maybe late at night.

Keep in mind IF there is an OM, he may be a PUA -who take advantage of events like this - and coach her for secrecy. Don't want you to get paranoid, just aware. Relax and investigate.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

> Did my wife have a one night stand?


You don't have enough information to conclude one way or the other.

What you DO have is enough probable cause to start investigating her. That means VAR, keylogger, etc. I don't usually advocate spying on a spouse UNLESS you have circumstancial evidence. In this case, I'd say you have enough justification. Her behavior is at best suspect and at worst indicative of a cheater. I hope you don't find out your gut was right. More often than not, it is. Good Luck.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Snoop around the history and tech stuff and phone bills. Gather what you can. Then ask and gauge the reaction. You know her, and have been with her awhile. Trust your gut. If her answer seems ‘off’ it probably is.

There are strong redflags here. Yet, even my own adulterous had this phase where one of her friends (female) was having her read Cosmo’s type ‘how to spice up your sex life’ stuff and talking. So when I first started asking, she made up some bull and it felt ‘off’. She essentially didn’t want to tell me she was reading that kind of trash she usually makes fun of. But she did eventually tell me…. And it fit perfectly into place with the call logs and internet browser history so I felt at least that was the truth.


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

aug said:


> Oh, maybe not.
> 
> You posting here shows that your gut is telling you something.
> 
> Your best friend is the VAR and other monitoring device. Go detective mode for a while.


His thread is focused on the possibility that she had a one night stand.

If she did, the question is what then? Something happened that made her go into sexy gotta-win-him-back mode. Her actions don't strike me as preparing for someone else, but it's hard to read the mind of a cheater.

If you really want to know, time to go James Bond. Based on OP post I would suspect she had a one night stand and went into hysterical bonding. The chatting was probably along the lines of "Oh God, I ****ed up, what do I do." If chatting was a major problem outside of this isolated incident, you wouldn't have brought it up.

Also... you might want to tell your wife: "Remember when you were dressing up in naughty lingerie for me? I really miss that." DON'T ask for sex that night. Just leave it hanging. See if she responds.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

If it were me, I would be asking about what triggered her to try to spice your marriage up.

You will know whether she has cheated from the answer. A blank look and a lame reason means she is cheating.

A D&M about how she was feeling, what she wanted from the marriage and an emotion based reason for wanting to make a change might mean she isn't and was making a genuine effort.

But.... I give it a 80% chance she cheated. It doesn't sound good at all and reeks of a lot of the similar things I saw with my WW.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is possible she went out with a female friend those evenings who chastised he,r telling her she was at fault and she should treat you better.

Your wife's idea of following that advice was to give you more sex, then go back to her old ways of behaving.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> It is possible she went out with a female friend those evenings who chastised he,r telling her she was at fault and she should treat you better.
> 
> Your wife's idea of following that advice was to give you more sex, then go back to her old ways of behaving.


Yeah, it is possible, but.......................

It's the online chatting that bothers me. No female friend has that much time and from what I can gather, most women don't want to do that sort of conversation online.

Watch and ask questions,. It will become obvious soon enough.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

poida said:


> Yeah, it is possible, but.......................
> 
> It's the online chatting that bothers me. No female friend has that much time and from what I can gather, most women don't want to do that sort of conversation online.
> 
> Watch and ask questions,. It will become obvious soon enough.


Unless she was on a site like TAM?:scratchhead:


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

The question is, so what? A single isolated ONS over a many year long marriage with no physical consequences (STD or preg) is really not that bad in the grand scheme of things. If you discovered it you'd have to put your foot down hard to make sure that you stand up for yourself suitably, but it's really nothing compared with the countless horror stories on this site and others. Chances are that VAR will turn up something between jack and s**t. If you can uncover what she chatted about that day you will probably get a concrete answer, but otherwise, unless it's REALLY bothering you I'd suggest moving on.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

NoRush said:


> The question is, so what? A single isolated ONS over a many year long marriage with no physical consequences (STD or preg) is really not that bad in the grand scheme of things. If you discovered it you'd have to put your foot down hard to make sure that you stand up for yourself suitably, but it's really nothing compared with the countless horror stories on this site and others. Chances are that VAR will turn up something between jack and s**t. If you can uncover what she chatted about that day you will probably get a concrete answer, but otherwise, unless it's REALLY bothering you I'd suggest moving on.


Champion rug sweeper here. Hate to break the news to you NoRush but some of us care about infidelity. It's a deal breaker.


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Champion rug sweeper here. Hate to break the news to you NoRush but some of us care about infidelity. It's a deal breaker.


"Okay." Clearly I must be a "champion rug sweeper" because I think that an isolated incident that might have involved a slip (NOT confirmed, purely speculative at this point) is worth digging up. Go look at other posts I've made if you think that I'm dismissing the damage that infidelity can bring to a relationship. But a keyword in that is "can." It depends on the personalities involved and it depends on the extent of the crimes -- because not all cases of cheating are equal.

OP wonders if she had an ONS during a particularly rough patch in their marriage. Classic HB and one incident in which she spent a lot of time chatting. No reason to suspect continued affair. If cheating has occurred, she has not come clean, but that's not exactly the standard response.

Here is the issue: if you try to dig, there's a chance you get caught. Ideally he should try to find a way to access computer logs of the chat. Other than that do you think digging is worth the risk? If his hunch is right and this was an isolated ONS then a VAR will get nothing except a brand new set of relationship problems if he gets caught spying on her. And woe to the husband who gets caught snooping on a wife who is actually innocent.


*TL;DR:* there's a difference between rug sweeping a known affair that has damaged a relationship in a fundamental way and trying to dig up skeletons of an affair that MIGHT have happened at some point in the PAST with NO sign of continuation or repeat.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

NoRush said:


> "Okay." Clearly I must be a "champion rug sweeper" because I think that an isolated incident that might have involved a slip (NOT confirmed, purely speculative at this point) is worth digging up. Go look at other posts I've made if you think that I'm dismissing the damage that infidelity can bring to a relationship. But a keyword in that is "can." It depends on the personalities involved and it depends on the extent of the crimes -- because not all cases of cheating are equal.
> 
> OP wonders if she had an ONS during a particularly rough patch in their marriage. Classic HB and one incident in which she spent a lot of time chatting. No reason to suspect continued affair. If cheating has occurred, she has not come clean, but that's not exactly the standard response.
> 
> ...


If you suspect an affair for any reason and you do nothing you're rug sweeping, and that's what you're suggesting here. I have read your posts in other threads and you come across as a wayward rather than a betrayed.

I say if your gut is telling you there's a problem you investigate. If you investigating is enough to ruin your marriage then no great loss, it was already on it's last legs.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Champion rug sweeper here. Hate to break the news to you NoRush but some of us care about infidelity. It's a deal breaker.


More to the point, a ONS is but the tip of the iceberg. It's the relationship problems that she isn't telling you about and that causes a ONS to occur that will ensure this ends in tears.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

NoRush said:


> "Okay." Clearly I must be a "champion rug sweeper" because I think that an isolated incident that might have involved a slip (NOT confirmed, purely speculative at this point) is worth digging up. Go look at other posts I've made if you think that I'm dismissing the damage that infidelity can bring to a relationship. But a keyword in that is "can." It depends on the personalities involved and it depends on the extent of the crimes -- because not all cases of cheating are equal.
> 
> OP wonders if she had an ONS during a particularly rough patch in their marriage. Classic HB and one incident in which she spent a lot of time chatting. No reason to suspect continued affair. If cheating has occurred, she has not come clean, but that's not exactly the standard response.
> 
> ...


Tis a conundrum indeed. Getting caught monitoring would not be good at all. 

Personally I wouldn't be going as far as a VAR or anything like that, but I would be keeping an keen eye out. Checking her phone occasionally, checking her email etc. We know our women and we know when something suspicious is up.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would definitely get a var and if she uses a pc I would install a key logger.

you will know soon enough that way.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

NoRush said:


> Here is the issue: if you try to dig, there's a chance you get caught. Ideally he should try to find a way to access computer logs of the chat. Other than that do you think digging is worth the risk? If his hunch is right and this was an isolated ONS then a VAR will get nothing except a brand new set of relationship problems if he gets caught spying on her. And woe to the husband who gets caught snooping on a wife who is actually innocent.


In an earlier post you suggested that unless it was really bothering the OP he should just move on. I would suggest that by posting here it demonstrates that it IS bothering the OP. And it is his anxiety that will damage the marriage. So how does he address this anxiety? By ignoring it? That is the surest way to build resentment. He has to address it head on. If his wife will not be truthful and he still feels that she is hiding something that is affecting THEIR marriage then he needs to investigate for his own peace of mind. If he should get caught? So what? He's not the one hiding something that concerns both of them and is affecting the marriage. Woe to the husband caught snooping? I say woe to the wife that threatens the marriage with secrecy.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

lanbcit68 said:


> that week, for a few nights she went out just before I get home from work and don't return until 12. As soon as she got home she went straight to her computer and chat with someone online.
> 
> She would go out with me and buy really sexy lingerie. For a month we would have really good sex and in the past she never gave me oral sex but that month was different. She would put on the sexy outfit and did things that she would not do for the past no matter how many times I asked. I asked her why the changes and she just said I have not been fair to you before.
> 
> ...


It is okay for her to be not fair to you now?
I think you should get into a 007 mode.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

Another possibility (that I've seen before):

She had a ONS, as he suspects. Cheaters rarely use protection, and a ONS OM would be even less likely 2 worry about that issue.

She realizes she could get pregnant, so she has wild sex with her husband for a month so that, if she does become pregnant, he thinks he's the father. If she doesn't get pregnant, she's in the clear, as her H will be none the wiser (if he does no investigating, that is).

-ol' 2long


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Did my wife have a one night stand?*



2long said:


> Another possibility (that I've seen before):
> 
> She had a ONS, as he suspects. Cheaters rarely use protection, and a ONS OM would be even less likely 2 worry about that issue.
> 
> ...


That's an unsavory thought but certainly as valid as other suggestions. I don't know how you could live with someone like that if true.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Either increasing sex or decreasing sex is a big red flag for cheating women. Its odd she felt unfair to you, gave you much better sex for a month..........and then quit. That looks like another red flag. The texting is yet another red flag. These are inconclusive however.

You definitely need to investigate though.

Did you up your game when she upped hers. Did you romance and date her? Did/do you give her oral? Did you increase and match her enthusiasim? What did she get in return for making things better?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

NoRush said:


> "Okay." Clearly I must be a "champion rug sweeper" because I think that an isolated incident that might have involved a slip (NOT confirmed, purely speculative at this point) is worth digging up. Go look at other posts I've made if you think that I'm dismissing the damage that infidelity can bring to a relationship. But a keyword in that is "can." It depends on the personalities involved and it depends on the extent of the crimes -- because not all cases of cheating are equal.
> 
> OP wonders if she had an ONS during a particularly rough patch in their marriage. Classic HB and one incident in which she spent a lot of time chatting. No reason to suspect continued affair. If cheating has occurred, she has not come clean, but that's not exactly the standard response.
> 
> ...


Huh?
This is not helpful to the OP


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

One night stands are what terrify the most.

I mean, how would you know? I could totally go out and have one, never do it again for the rest of my life, and there's no way in hell my wife would know.

Let's say I go to a club with the boys, bang a girl in the bathroom, walk away. There's no evidence of anything. And if I'm careful not to change my behaviour...

Easy peasy to get away with.

I'd never do such a thing, but after my previous marriage, I get worried as hell whenever my wife is out with the girls or away.

What do you watch for?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> Either increasing sex or decreasing sex is a big red flag for cheating women. Its odd she felt unfair to you, gave you much better sex for a month..........and then quit. That looks like another red flag. The texting is yet another red flag. These are inconclusive however.
> 
> You definitely need to investigate though.


That really is a disturbing thought. "Guilt sex" as a result of an ONS. During the fWW affair, I received some "guilt gifts", although I didn't know it at the time. I thought she was just being loving, which was in between her erratic affair behavior.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

marduk said:


> One night stands are what terrify the most.
> 
> I mean, how would you know? I could totally go out and have one, never do it again for the rest of my life, and there's no way in hell my wife would know.
> 
> ...


Yep, exactly. Red flags are helpful, but they're not always there. If someone really takes the time to think about how they can get away with it, they can and they will.

That said, this is a very tough one. We here at TAM are conditioned to point out what the red flags are (and we can find them...) and there are, as Gus said, some orange ones here.

She could also have been very happy that you two worked out the fight, was glad to have you back and thus showed you. If you didn't show your happiness in return, then perhaps that's why the hot sex dried up - she wasn't getting the same vibe from you that she was giving out herself.

Maybe the person/people she was talking to were her friends, and she was looking for advice. Going out drinking also isn't a sure sign of anything going on. If you live in the same house and you aren't talking at all, then neither of you will want to be around each other. Going out with friends (and especially drinking) helps to get ones mind off what's happening IRL.

I wouldn't rug sweep, obviously, but be prepared for the worst if you get caught snooping. If she didn't do anything and was extremely happy to have not lost you after the big fight, then having you question her faithfulness may be grounds for divorce. (or at least another major fight).

Tough situation, man. I'd be snooping, but only superficially. Phone records, check her texts if you can, check to see if any have been deleted. Web history, Facebook, email, etc. Just remember that when you log in to Facebook, or Gmail/Hotmail, etc. other people can see that they're online. If you're in her Facebook at 3 in the morning and one of her friends sends her a message because they can see that "she" is online, you may get busted.

I think at this point, a recording device is a little too much. You can sort of explain away checking her phone if you get caught and you use your imagination. Checking the computer isn't hard when she's not home. Email are Facebook are dodgy, but if you know the password and can get in while she's not around, easy enough to get away with, especially if nobody notices the account is online, or asks her what she was doing up at 3am next time they see her.

Try explaining a hidden recording device in her car or purse, though. Not happening.

Good luck.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I really am trying to understand this situation.


Your wife (of 15 years, no less) and you had a big fight - you are both in your 40's, so please help me with what a big fight might constitute or what might have caused the big fight.

Anyway as a result of this big fight, you didn't talk to each other for a week (must have been a humdinger of an issue). During this week, she completely forgets her boundaries and goes out to some unknown place at night returning at midnight (drunk ?) to start chatting online with someone (that you do not know ?)

Then after a week you made up. Must have taken some making up to get over a fight of this magnitude - what did you do to make up or how did you do it ?

Then for a period of 1 month she gave you good sex something she has not given you before and then went back to "no touching/no kissing" sex. Was this the norm from day 1 of your marriage ? If not, then apart from the "good month", when was the last time you had good sex (as opposed to what you get now) ?
From this you are worried that she might have had a ONS because


the ONS guilted her and she decided to let you have some too ?
she realised you were better in the sack ?
or else, she realised what exactly ?

I am just trying to get a better understanding of the situation and your thinking. Do you have kids ? Has she cheated before ? Have you ? By the way you have made just that first post in 3 pages so far. Please do chime in.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lordmayhem said:


> I received some "guilt gifts", although I didn't know it at the time. I thought she was just being loving, which was in between her erratic affair behavior.


Yep, me too. When I connected the dots, months after we had split up, I almost wanted to be sick.

And not because of the high possibility I was going somewhere some other guy had been the night before, or even the same day, but because I had thought those things were out of love or appreciation.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

NoRush said:


> "Okay." Clearly I must be a "champion rug sweeper" because I think that an isolated incident that might have involved a slip


I don't know about you but I've never "slipped" and landed in another person's genitals before. Maybe you're a "ignorance is bliss" guy but I'm not. I want the truth because I respect myself. And ONS types are never one and done. Their philosophy is "so whose next?"


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Its odd she felt unfair to you, gave you much better sex for a month..........and then quit. That looks like another red flag.


maybe not. 

If it was a conscious decision to change her behavior, it'd be like a diet or trying to exercise for a New Year's resolution...most people stick to for 3 or 4 weeks then fall back to the old ways.

Gym members hate January...it's packed full with resolutioners.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

Only one post here and on loveshack. I don't think this is real.

-ol' 2long


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Bfree, this 'tactics' is probably as common as 'I'll get pregnant so he will have to marry me'




bfree said:


> 2long said:
> 
> 
> > Another possibility (that I've seen before):
> ...


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Turin74 said:


> Bfree, this 'tactics' is probably as common as 'I'll get pregnant so he will have to marry me'
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You're probably right. I guess I just prefer to think most people are honorable. I'm a bit naive that way. My wife thinks it's an endearing quality.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

2long said:


> Only one post here and on loveshack. I don't think this is real.
> 
> -ol' 2long


:iagree:


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Well, because its a CWI section, I'd say 'most people are honorable, the rest are their spouses'.  

Seriously, the pregnancy suggestion is scary but real, I would be very worried if I was OP. Especially if there was no condom (and even if it was, small needle makes miracles). Doesn't look good if she got pregnant.



bfree said:


> Turin74 said:
> 
> 
> > Bfree, this 'tactics' is probably as common as 'I'll get pregnant so he will have to marry me'
> ...


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Real or not, all I can say is I'm glad I've never been in a relationship where if she seemed to enjoy sex, I'd wonder what the hell she's been up to.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Turin74 said:


> Seriously, the pregnancy suggestion is scary but real, I would be very worried if I was OP. Especially if there was no condom (and even if it was, small needle makes miracles). Doesn't look good if she got pregnant. _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


Reminds me of the story of two ship wreck survivors on a life raft that sprang an air leak. One told the other, "look like I'm going to leave this world due to the same thing that brought me into it; a leaky rubber"


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Ancient tribe: a boy asks his mother: my father's name is Grisly Bear because he is strong and wise. Your name is Sun Shine because you're so pretty and caring. My brother's name is Flying Eagle because of*his strong vision. So why did you name me a Leaking Rubber?




ThePheonix said:


> Turin74 said:
> 
> 
> > Seriously, the pregnancy suggestion is scary but real, I would be very worried if I was OP. Especially if there was no condom (and even if it was, small needle makes miracles). Doesn't look good if she got pregnant. _Posted via *Topify* on Android_
> ...


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## lanbcit68 (Jul 16, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> I really am trying to understand this situation.
> 
> 
> Your wife (of 15 years, no less) and you had a big fight - you are both in your 40's, so please help me with what a big fight might constitute or what might have caused the big fight.
> ...



The fight was about me being late for her parent's dinner and she said I never cared for her side of the family. We have three kids together and after the third child I had myself fixed so I don't think the one month sex was about getting knocked up since it could not possiable be mine. We ended the fight after a week when her parents demanded the two of us sit down and talked because she had been dropping the kids off at their place after school that week. 

From the first day of our marriage, sex was never eventful, and when I asked her why a sudden change at the beginning, she said she had not been fair to me and when it died, I asked again, she said that it just wasn't herself. I asked her if she ever slept with anyone else since we got married, she had a blank look took a second or two and said she has been faithful.

She does not have many friends and as far as I know they are all moms from the kid's school so going out late would be strange with them. She was not drunk after those nights out and when I asked her where she went after the fight she told me she was just driving around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

2long said:


> Only one post here and on loveshack. I don't think this is real.
> 
> -ol' 2long


It's amazing that some people still "call others out" when everyone knows the correct way to raise a concern about the legitimacy of a post *is to use the report button*.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lanbcit68 said:


> From the first day of our marriage, sex was never eventful, and when I asked her why a sudden change at the beginning, she said she had not been fair to me and when it died, I asked again, she said that it just wasn't herself. I asked her if she ever slept with anyone else since we got married, she had a blank look took a second or two and said she has been faithful.
> 
> She does not have many friends and as far as I know they are all moms from the kid's school so going out late would be strange with them. She was not drunk after those nights out and when I asked her where she went after the fight she told me she was just driving around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe she was. I actually did this for a few days when my ex wife broke the news to me that she was leaving. I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to burden my friends with this that early, and I just wanted to clear my head. I wanted to be alone. I know plenty of people who do this for fun, because being in your car by yourself is about as close as one can get to solitude these days.

The hot sex for a month after may very well have been because she came to the conclusion that week that she really, really loved you and didn't want to be without you, or lose you.

But you need to tell us more about you two as a couple. Otherwise you're just venting here, and that's not really what this place is for. If it's advice you're looking for, you need to fill people in on your back history - have either of you ever cheated? Do you actually have any reason to suspect she had a ONS, or has somebody on the side? Do you guys fight often? Do you appreciate each other and show this? etc etc etc.

As it stands now, none of the information you've given us can point anybody in any direction. It's all speculation based on what little you've said. Maybe she did sleep with somebody. Maybe she didn't.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lanbcit68 said:


> I asked her if she ever slept with anyone else since we got married, she had a blank look took a second or two and said she has been faithful._Posted via Mobile Device_


This is concerning. Orange flag for sure.

She may not have SLEPT with anybody else, but there are other things you can do.

She may also have been so taken aback at the question that it took her that second or two to understand what you just asked her, and she gave you an honest response.

This is really for your gut to decide. Also you do need to snoop around a little bit, but I still suggest not going overboard. Just look around.

A quick suggestion: some time when you know you're going out and she's going to be home, let the battery on your phone die out (and "lose" the car charger). Ask her if you can borrow hers while you're out, just in case you break down or something.

Gauge her reaction to your question. If she freely hands it over right that second, no worries. If she hmms and haws, or says no or disappears for a few minutes before coming back with it, then start to worry.

If she has nothing to hide, she'll hand it over immediately.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

^agree with everything Alex has posted. Tough to say anything one way or the other at this point. 

As far as her response to if she has ever slept with anyone else since you were married. 

She paused for a second or two before answering NO. Red flag
Or she immediately said very emphatically, NO!!!! How can you ask me that??? - red flag. She protests too much.

So really it's lose-lose even if she is innocent, so I wouldn't read a lot into it.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

The second or two pause before responding could be nothing. Responding immediately could mean nothing. I would think a person who has cheated might be prepared to be confronted and immediately answer no while a person who had no reason to believe they would be asked the question might be surprised and take a second to respond. Really hard to read anything into it.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> The second or two pause before responding could be nothing. Responding immediately could mean nothing. I would think a person who has cheated might be prepared to be confronted and immediately answer no while a person who had no reason to believe they would be asked the question might be surprised and take a second to respond. Really hard to read anything into it.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


On the other hand, someone who cheated but thought they had it completely covered up may have been surprised by the question. I think pondering this is akin to chasing a dog around a tree, fun for the dog but you get no where.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lanbcit68 said:


> The fight was about me being late for her parent's dinner and she said I never cared for her side of the family. We have three kids together and after the third child I had myself fixed so I don't think the one month sex was about getting knocked up since it could not possiable be mine. We ended the fight after a week when her parents demanded the two of us sit down and talked because she had been dropping the kids off at their place after school that week.
> 
> From the first day of our marriage, sex was never eventful, and when I asked her why a sudden change at the beginning, she said she had not been fair to me and when it died, I asked again, she said that it just wasn't herself. *I asked her if she ever slept with anyone else since we got married, she had a blank look took a second or two and said she has been faithful.*
> 
> She does not have many friends and as far as I know they are all moms from the kid's school so going out late would be strange with them. She was not drunk after those nights out and *when I asked her where she went after the fight she told me she was just driving around.*


Uhhhhh...

Start digging.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Whats this afraid to get caught snooping crap ??
If my wife got mad, so fricking what !!
Yes, we know our women, BUT they should know their man.

So if his guts are screaming something is not right to the extent he got caught snooping, SHE damn sure should understand.

Snoop all you want, and if caught, pull the poly on her butt.

We all have read of the cheater being angry cause the op didn't trust them.

shakira song say hips Don't Lie,,, me,, Guts don't lie


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> On the other hand, someone who cheated but thought they had it completely covered up may have been surprised by the question. I think pondering this is akin to chasing a dog around a tree, fun for the dog but you get no where.


dog around tree - exactly. And boy, can it run!

I'd avoid any further questioning with her. The moment to catch her surprised and assess any reaction is gone. That question about sleeping with anyone else.. not prepared well enough. It gave her wriggle room. In her mind she can justify batting this one back to you because she didn't 'sleep' with the guy if there was one. Other physical stuff, quite possibly, sleeping - nah.

I was in a similar position last year with my w. I came here too late after showing my cards/suspicion far too quickly. 

You can't control her but you can get the family quickly back to a normal running state which is not as easy as it sounds with all that going round in your head. This will eat away at you either way - whether you keep questioning her and make things worse or if you keep it inside you and be strong and force her hand. She may feel the need to contact OM again if things settle at home and it appears it's all blown over. Just make sure you have refined your detective skills and have any vars etc. in place. Think it through very carefully. 

Like me, you may never find out but you had some real serious suspicions but no real proof. An element of trust is now missing for me and I fear it will be the same for you. The most important thing for you to do in all of this, regardless of what ever happened or whatever will happen is to MAKE YOU STRONG. This situation can turn you into a pathetically poor version of yourself but you have to fight this. You need to get into shape, look at the 180, pick out relevant bits, read the MMSL etc books advised on TAM to make you the more alpha person you can be. It will help you be a better person for your kids through this too.

On another note - the initial bust-up about her family. Did she have a case here? Have you ignored her issues about how you feel/don't feel about her family. Could you have avoided this situation if you'd have listened to her concerns?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhhhh...
> 
> Start digging.


I agree. She had to think of her answer to the question on sleeping with anyone and also, while it may be just driving around, we are talking driving around for many hours. Nothing concrete, but definitely time to start digging. Also I like the "my battery is dead, give me your phone please" test - if she hesitates in any way, dig dig dig!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

OldWolf57 said:


> Whats this afraid to get caught snooping crap ??
> If my wife got mad, so fricking what !!
> Yes, we know our women, BUT they should know their man.
> 
> ...


It's a slippery slope, imo. You have to choose what your boundaries are in how far you are going to go, depending on the situation.

In this case (and as I said above), I think OP can get away with checking email/Facebook/general computer, and even if caught, explain it away or even just come out and tell her what he's doing.

In regards to checking her cell phone, that's a little trickier, but can be done without him having to steal it from her (see my suggestion a page back).

Now a recording device in the car? *I* think that's too far in this case. If it's discovered (big "if", I know) AND she has truly done absolutely nothing, he's not going to get out of that.

IMO, recording devices (and PI's, etc.) are best left for when you have almost no doubt about something going on, and you simply need to confirm.

I just fear that in this case in particular, we don't have enough information to be able to properly determine much of anything, let alone suggest to put a recording device in his wife's car or purse. Given what OP has written here, it's 50/50 in my books, probably even less than that. Whatever evidence he has is completely circumstantial right now.

I mean if I were in his wife's shoes, and I just had a huge week-long fight with my wife, DID actually go out driving a few times to clear my mind, never even spoke to somebody of the opposite sex, let alone cheat or even have it cross my mind, came to the realization that I truly loved my wife, didn't want to lose her, and therefore we made up and had a good month of honeymoon sex - I would be rightfully horrified if I discovered a recording device hidden in my car.

Discovering your partner of x-number of years doesn't trust you could be just as damaging as if you discovered your partner WAS untrustworthy, know what I mean?

That's why it's a slippery slope.

(he should be checking out the computer and phone, though... but not much more)


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

lanbcit68 said:


> ...After a week, we resolved we problems and that`s when things went strange.
> 
> She would go out with me and buy really sexy lingerie. For a month we would have really good sex and in the past she never gave me oral sex but that month was different. She would put on the sexy outfit and did things that she would not do for the past no matter how many times I asked. I asked her why the changes and she just said I have not been fair to you before.


Surely hysterical bonding/guilt sex after the affair?


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

earlyforties said:


> Surely hysterical bonding/guilt sex after the affair?



yes very possible.....why did you call him surely?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A5t5_O8hdA


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

If she had to think about it before telling you there was no one else, that in itself is VERY suspicious. If it were me, I wouldn't be trusting a thing she says. Might be good to keep looking for evidence of possible infidelity. If there's absolutely nothing there, so much the better.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey No Rush---so a ONS in a long term mge---is no biggie---you are kidding right---where in the married script or the taking of HOLY SACRED VOWS---does it say that it is all right for another man to ENTER YOUR WIFE, under any circumstances, for any reason----I suppose to you that hot grinding dancing/and passionate kissing with another man are also all right----if one wants to do those kinds of things---they should be single----if you are gonna be married then you RESPECT, and HONOR, your VOWS---each and every day you are MARRIED----or you get DIVORCED


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

If I am so suspicious that my guts are rumbling, then it's on me.
Call me selfish old fashion, or just plain crazy, but I have to live with me.

I walked years ago, and you know what, my son is fine.
She started having feeling for someone. That's all it took.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> It's amazing that some people still "call others out" when everyone knows the correct way to raise a concern about the legitimacy of a post *is to use the report button*.


You might ac2ally find this hard 2 believe, but in the more than 12 years I've been on infidelity fora, this hadn't occurred 2 me.

:scratchhead:

So, if I had reported it and it had been removed or something, who'd learn anything from the experience?

-ol' 2long


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You know what? I don't think I would be upset if my husband were concerned enough to put a var in my car if the decision was because he loves me and wanted to find a way to stop the affair I wasnt having.., that's probably weird. He would learn I wasn't cheating and feel better and I would learn that he is willing to risk upsetting me in the name of trying to save our marriage..,


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## dgtal (Jun 11, 2010)

another invisible op


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Umm, this is a tough one. She could very well be innocent of everything.

Do we see red flags???

The outfits... the going out late... the not knowing where she was...the kinky sex...

Dig deeper, if possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

marduk said:


> One night stands are what terrify the most.
> 
> I mean, how would you know? I could totally go out and have one, never do it again for the rest of my life, and there's no way in hell my wife would know.
> 
> ...


There is a reason somebody gets busted for that: It's so darn addicting. 

Really, think about it. Let's say you go away with it: You'd try it again, wouldn't you? Cake eating would just be so tempting. You could get away with it one time... two times..... but eventually you're going to get nailed.


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