# Don't feel like i can talk to my wife anymore



## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

Long story short, we have had problems, mostly "my" problems, me being jealous, insecure etc etc. 
She has a job, been there 2 years and has forged some close relationships with mostly men and a woman.

She demanded I go talk to a shrink and I did. Turns out accordingto him I have trust issues from my childhood anda laundry list of bad luck the last 3 yearas and she doesnot help with her small white lies or "oh I forgot". 

After a few months, I started college, been working out regularly and cut down on my drinking from probably 6-8 a night to 2-3 every other night, and the guy didn't think I needed meds any longer just keep heading down the current path, but does think the wife and I need to talk more.

So I try, about anything that bothers me, and she is very condensending and seems insincere. I get a lot of uh uhs and I see, and mostly "oh god, you make me laugh, with a snicker" and she leaves.

Last night I decided to attend an AA meeting, to help me take firm control of my drinking. I've done well, but want more control. 
Well, when i got home, I had a beer anyway, but felt good that I finally at least atteneded and listened. 

I wasn't going to tell my wife, but finally did. She laughed, and said, "what you think u have a problem? Yet your drinking anyway." Told her the reason I went was just another step for me to gain control in my life, be the man I was until the last few years of ****. she just snickered again, said I needed meds and I got the 'whatever'

So I told her I knew trying to talk to her was a mistake and told her to forget about it. 

then she looks at me and and asks me why I am not happy with her and if I will ever be happy with her? 

huh? we've been together almost 16 yrs, have 2 great kids, but it seems since she got this job, we rarely talk or do things together. The kids are a major obstacle with sports in school/school/outside sports, heck this week alone, our only free day is Saturday afternoon/night.

When i suggest we should drop the kids off at my parents and go away say like for this Saturday, she'll out right say No, i'm not leaving the kids.

I'm frustrated I have no one to talk to, told her this, and she goes back to the meds b.s. am I wrong here or am I being manipulted? 

I've read a few books some Christian based ( I need to find myself thru Godand gain control of my life) some psychologically based, and she is starting to seem like a manipulator.
Or a combo of the 2?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I was going to say you are being manipulated but I suspect there is a lot more to this story. Has she always been snarky or is this a new thing since the job?


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

ps- she is mad at me now.
She texted me about an hour or so ago to stay near my phone as a fired employee(Tuesday) just pulled up. 

Texted me a few minutes later saying that the sh.. is hitting the fan the guy is running around screaming and making a scene throwing stuff and grabbing his stuff.

now the office is set up with her and another woman in a front downstairs office with video surviellance up stairs, a back office in the shop for the foreman and another office upstairs(video sur. room) in the shop for the president of ops., and 1 owner's personal assistant (woman). the 2 owners only show up now on Tues/Thurdays

I didn't get the text's as I was on my mower working but called her ASAP :15 minutes after, she said everything was cool he left and the president of ops (male) the 2 owners were upstairs in the office with their guns drawn, talking to the 1 girl on the phone telling her to tell this guy to come back when the foreman was there?

I am pissed! and said that was b.s. they should have been down stairs as I would have been if it were my biz. She then started with all these excuses as to why they didn't come down, and I told her i promise her, if it was their wife and she worked for me, and I let some crazy ass fired employee sit there and berate her as I hid upstairs watching on video, they would be pissed.

As a biz owner I FEEL and maybe I am wrong, ut it is my personal resposibility to keep all my emplyees safe. I told her she needs to look for another job as next time I am there I am letting them know how i feel and she may get fired. She warned me not to.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

First of all I'm sorry that you're going through this but I hope might give you some insight.

Her job being surrounded by men has made her look at you with contempt. Women are attracted to strong alpha males something she's presumably surrounded by. When she comes homes she feels that she's confronted by this needy, insecure and whiney individual who does nothing but moan about this and that. It's a turn off for women hence her snarky comments. 

I commend you for seeking help for your problems but this needs to be a solitary journey. I know you feel like she's let you down as she's the only woman in the world that should be there for you but women have a different expectancy of men, they expect us to weather anything and not complain about it while conversely they expect their men to take all their problems. 

The best advice I can give you is to do a complete 180, absorb your problems and deal with them yourself. You need to show her that you can be very easily independent of her.


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

Complexity said:


> First of all I'm sorry that you're going through this but I hope might give you some insight.
> 
> Her job being surrounded by men has made her look at you with contempt. Women are attracted to strong alpha males something she's presumably surrounded by. When she comes homes she feels that she's confronted by this needy, insecure and whiney individual who does nothing but moan about this and that. It's a turn off for women hence her snarky comments.
> 
> ...


Thanks and I know you are right and I am working on it. Its true when I have 'Flashes" of the old confident me, the one she married, the one that would tell her to F-off and did, when she was wrong and trying to change manipulate, when I am that guy, she is completely different.

I have always been, even in my rough and tumble bar fighting day, and still am a romantic at heart and always have been very compassionate, she called it a 'fault' of mine one time that she fell in love with. So when I think I may have hurt her emotionally by being that guy again, I try to make up for it. We get along great for a weekend, then she heads back to work and its likea light switch, she changes itno uber ***** but she don;t see it that way. its me being weak.

As for Alphamale, don't know how she is feeling aboutthemafter today, shecame homeand apologized and said I was right they acted like little girls hiding upstairs and letting the 2 women down stairs ahndle a problem that wasn'ttheres to handle. Her words, " they are nOTHING like you, they are egootistical a-holes"

now may just be lip service, but i'll take it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Just curious, what type of work does she do and what is her work environment?


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> Just curious, what type of work does she do and what is her work environment?


she has worked herself into the office manager position, basically babysits the VP of Ops in the office as she has taken most of his duties as he is a sterotypical construction worker. doesn't come across as the brightest and definitely not the most organized.

she started off as the only female in a construction office. There was only the foreman, the VP of operations and the 2 owners in the office all day, all male. Not to mention the crews, about 10 guys coming and going. This was sept 2010, since they have grown to have another woman in the office with her as well as a salesman comiing and going, another woman upstairs as a personal asst. to one of the owners, who are only there now twicea week (the owners).

The 'rockstar' I saw at a hockey game one night that the company supplied tickets too, he was looking for my wife but he did talk her up quite a bit, "she has made herself invaluable, not replaceable, the only way she leaves is if I close the doors, and even then I will try and take her on my next business venture"

the only thing that made me curious was my wife asked me if I met his wife as he told her she was supposed to be there, but he brought his brother instead and when he arrived was alrady pretty buzzed.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

dontwanttoloseher said:


> That said, her father left when she was young, and her only uncle died when she was about 11. Her mom passed in 95 (26 wife age) and her sister, my wife's favorite aunt a year or so later.


Which also means in addition to her abandonment issues she likely has a general disdain for men in general hence why she is snarky. And the men she works with she's only seeing the good side of them not the side where they leave their underwear on the bathroom floor at home kinda thing. Hard to compete with that especially if she has decided you are not living up to her standards. Think grass is greener on the other side complex.

Your best bet is to yes go this alone and do a 180. The less needy you are the more attracted to you she will be.

Get thee to the mens clubhouse and read up on how to cool it down. Or read books like No More Mr. Nice Guy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

dontwanttoloseher said:


> she has worked herself into the office manager position, basically babysits the VP of Ops in the office as she has taken most of his duties as he is a sterotypical construction worker. doesn't come across as the brightest and definitely not the most organized.
> 
> she started off as the only female in a construction office. There was only the foreman, the VP of operations and the 2 owners in the office all day, all male. Not to mention the crews, about 10 guys coming and going. This was sept 2010, since they have grown to have another woman in the office with her as well as a salesman comiing and going, another woman upstairs as a personal asst. to one of the owners, who are only there now twicea week (the owners).
> 
> ...


So she spends quite a bit of time with very confident and powerful men. These men are likely very Alpha. Very Alpha men can be both exciting and at times irritating to a woman no doubt. These men may or may not make a lot more money than you as well.

I had to go back and review this. You have some reason for concerns logically but there is nothing specific where you would require her to quite this job ... yet. Right now you have to work on you and be more attractive. Realize however that this may already be at the stage where she is mostly seeing your downside. Start spending more quality time together.

In a marriage when there are careers and children with lost of activities you have to set your priorities straight.

1) Stop drinking unless you are out with your wife and you want one with dinner. She sees drinking as a weakness in you. It is also a waste of your time. Yes, I enjoy drinking. But I don't have much time for it.

2) Jobs take much of our time and energies. Are either of you spenind more than 50 hours a week working or doing work activities. I have been workaholic much of my life. This is a problem. I am doing much better. In some work cultures you are expected to hang out / party with your co-workers. I rarely do this. I see these folks all day long. An occasional get together is one thing but I am not looking for an extended family to compete with my rela families time. 

3) If the two of you do not make the marriage itself the #1 priority you risk a lot of pain. Meaning you have to schedule your time with your wife first and as a the main usage of your off work time.

4) Kids are important. Some "reasonable" efforts to support them in their activities is a must. That said, it sounds like this time takes away time for your marriage. Balance is a tough thing to achieve. This is a choice. You do not help your kids out by having marriage problems. You may want to reduce some of this time in favor of more time with your wife.

5) Start working on yourself. Get in better physical condition. 

6) Do not be disrespected. Be firm with her. Not angry. If she snickers or otherwise puts you down, tell her calmly but firmly that she is not to do that to you. It is not something you will accept. It is all about the presentation. It is very Alpha. No anger to it. No pleading to it. Calm, firm and CONFIDENT. It could be something as simple as "I love you, but do not disrespect me, I will nit accept it." It is especilly important she trat you with respect in front of your children and others. Do not let the conversation go on tangents. Keep it right on the respect. It is not about anything else. If done properly she will have a new found respect and will think twice if the mood hits her. She may or may not do this same thing with men in her office.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Change your moniker.


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