# Why did you stay?



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Just wondering the reasons and circumstances that the betrayed spouses on TAM stay with their wayward partner? Any regrets? Did it last long term or did you eventually decide to leave?
My sister in law's ex cheated on her while working abroad. She caught him twice with the latest episode ending their marriage in January of 2017. She stayed the first time for the kids. She has had 2 failed relationships since because she finds herself unable to trust a partner. I hope that changes for her. Have any of you carried trust issues from your failed marriages into new relationships? Do you still struggle with trust issues?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

To answer your question about carrying trust issues forward, I divorced but to be honest I haven't had trust issues in my numerous relationships since.

I'm crystal clear from the get go I have a zero tolerance policy on cheating and flat out tell women if I'm willing to divorce over it, then dumping a gf is a walk in the park.

I seem to realize the issue is not "women" but the issue is "her". I know loyal women. I mean if I continue to get cheated on in the future I guess might become jaded lol....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your SIL’s reasons were a lot like mine. I reconciled the first time — and deeply regret it — because I strongly believed in marriage and wanted to keep my family together and felt we could make it work if we really tried. When it happened a second time (that I know of) I got out. I was married a very long time and now I’m unable to trust so no more relationships for me although I casually date now and then. Some people are capable of getting over a huge betrayal from someone they trusted and they decide to try again. I’m not capable and I know it and I’m okay with that.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I stayed. Her affair was emotional and it didn't go physical. I felt there were issues in our marriage that I could help improve, which I know opened that path for her. She was too scared to leave, then we each lost a parent the next year which bonded us more, and we never really looked back. DDay was 11 years ago now and we've been married 25 total.

I don't regret it. Our marriage isn't perfect, but we've done pretty well and made a good life. 

I know I probably COULD have divorced and eventually ended up in a better relationship. But I could have done a lot worse too, and I'd be financially strapped. So while I'll never know with 100% certainty if it was the best move, I definitely know it wasn't the worst one either. Played it safe, and it worked out decently well.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I didn’t stay both times. Both ended in divorce and that I initiated. Tried the second time, hung in for three long years and then bailed. I don’t have many regrets. What’s done is done. I do have trust issues, however. Been in a relationship for two years and trust has been a factor, but there’s been no cheating. I’ve also learned that I like living alone. I think it actually helps my current relationship. Sleepovers 4 days a month I can handle. But it’s sure nice to head back to my house knowing that everything is there the way I left it, with no one telling what I can and cannot do.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Just wondering the reasons and circumstances that the betrayed spouses on TAM stay with their wayward partner? Any regrets? Did it last long term or did you eventually decide to leave?
> My sister in law's ex cheated on her while working abroad. She caught him twice with the latest episode ending their marriage in January of 2017. She stayed the first time for the kids. She has had 2 failed relationships since because she finds herself unable to trust a partner. I hope that changes for her. Have any of you carried trust issues from your failed marriages into new relationships? Do you still struggle with trust issues?


So what’s your story?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Your SIL’s reasons were a lot like mine. I reconciled the first time — and deeply regret it — because I strongly believed in marriage and wanted to keep my family together and felt we could make it work if we really tried. When it happened a second time (that I know of) I got out. I was married a very long time and now I’m unable to trust so no more relationships for me although I casually date now and then. Some people are capable of getting over a huge betrayal from someone they trusted and they decide to try again. I’m not capable and I know it and I’m okay with that.


My sister in law was with her ex since age 15 for a total of 28 years.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

RebuildingMe said:


> I didn’t stay both times. Both ended in divorce and that I initiated. Tried the second time, hung in for three long years and then bailed. I don’t have many regrets. What’s done is done. I do have trust issues, however. Been in a relationship for two years and trust has been a factor, but there’s been no cheating. I’ve also learned that I like living alone. I think it actually helps my current relationship. Sleepovers 4 days a month I can handle. But it’s sure nice to head back to my house knowing that everything is there the way I left it, with no one telling what I can and cannot do.


I (stupidly in retrospect) wanted to work it out with my cheating exW, but she did not and filed. She was in lurve with Sancho. That was 11 years ago, and I still have trust issues and probably always will. Honestly though, I've never 100% trusted any romantic partner, including my exW. I just don't think it's a wise position to take. 

I've been LAT (living apart together) with my gf for over 10 years now, and can't imagine ever living full-time with a romantic partner again. We see each other 1-2 nights per week on average, plus a few multi-day trips a year. We both own our homes, and value our alone time. It's not for everyone, but works great for me and seems to work for her too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tested_by_stress said:


> My sister in law was with her ex since age 15 for a total of 28 years.


Some don’t have a problem trusting again after ending a very long marriage (my exH and I met as teenagers and were married for 45 years) but unfortunately a lot do. It’s inconceivable for me. Hopefully, your SIL finds her path.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

My wife married her HS sweetheart at 18. Lasted 10 yrs. She married to get away from abusive home life. He cheated and she took him back. Her POS dad did a number on her self esteem before hand. 

When she caught it again she just left. She was done. Mfgd home was in both names, she had bought all the band instruments/equipment, the cattle were hers....she just walked away. Found out later friends and family knew but never said anything. Let her be the fool. She did not speak to her parents for years because of it.

I met her 4.5 mo later, went with her to court for divorce decree 1.5 mo later. She moved in with me 2 mo later, married 5 mo later, was 25yrs on May 10.

I went through the **** until she had it out of her system. Several times of saying , I am not your damned ex-husband! I did not cheat on you!

Took a few years, to get it out of her system but now we're golden. She says often that I am only person she does trust, without reservation.

I should be, I have the mental scars from her anger caused by ex.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> My wife married her HS sweetheart at 18. Lasted 10 yrs. She married to get away from abusive home life. He cheated and she took him back. Her POS dad did a number on her self esteem before hand.
> 
> When she caught it again she just left. She was done. Mfgd home was in both names, she had bought all the band instruments/equipment, the cattle were hers....she just walked away. Found out later friends and family knew but never said anything. Let her be the fool. She did not speak to her parents for years because of it.
> 
> ...


fair dues 
I know a bit what it is like dealing whet the scars someone else made , 
sometimes I think it is lucky some I don't know and others have died but not missed


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