# Kicking the OW out of my brain



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

I am in a transitional point in my relationship. A few weeks ago, I was prepared to start individual therapy to deal with some of the trauma related to my partner's affairs, after spending 6 months in couples therapy. Before that could happen there was a breach of trust related to my partner withholding information from me about the past out of fear of my reaction. The act of withholding was worse than the information itself so we decided to work through it. Now, we are in couples therapy more frequently, and he is getting individual counseling as well.

The problem is that I feel stuck, and unable to commit to moving on after such a recent betrayal of trust. I have anxiety issues, and there is a constant loop of worries that is on repeat in my head, sometimes it's on 'mute' and sometimes the volume is always the way up. The loop always includes normal worries about money and the future but since the A it has also included paranoia about the OW.

This is compounded by the fact that the OW is mentally ill and still appears to be actively seeking a chance to reconnect with my partner. It is hard to let my guard down when I know she is waiting to pounce. I know my partner is not interested, she was abusive towards him - but somehow I can't get her out of my brain.

Today I took a sick pleasure in seeing that she checked one of her public dating profiles at 10:30 last night. Thinking about her being lonely looking for dates, while I was sleeping next to the man she tried to steal from me, doesn't make me feel better but I do care about it more than I should. I wish I had no compulsion to monitor her whereabouts. It is hard because I have no closure with her but I can't tell her to f*ck off because she is nuts and wouldn't respond rationally at all. 

I feel really trapped and unable to move forward. I trust that my partner has been a saint since he confessed - I have scoured his email, facebook, phone, etc. and we've also been joined at the hip so I know his whereabouts. But I am still haunted by the trauma of past events and thoughts of the OW.

Anyone else dealing with something similar?


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

It sounds like you have a number of things going on making the situation more challenging: dealing with the affair, dealing with a possibly unstable OW and what she's up to in regards to her behavior and the history of anxiety for you that has tangled this up a bit more. 

Of course you have a fear response and are desparate to get on solid ground! If your guy behaves in a way to encourage this it will help but it might take some time. What I'm picking up from you is that your guy is extremely tuned into your anxiety and is trying to manage it by withholding info - which now has backfired because it's only further derailed your trust. What might have been an attempt on his part to be helpful isn't actually so helpful now, right?

I'm glad to hear your in intensive couples therapy - and he's individual therapy. I'm not clear whether you've started your own therapy but I strongly encourage you to do so to help you sort through the roots of your own anxiety and be able to distinguish between your past and your present. It can be hard, especially when you've been triggered!

Regarding the OW, try to remember that it's not her behavior you should remain too hyper-fixated on - it's your partners!


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Can I rant for a minute?
I'm relapsing and feel like doing all the below to my H's OW:

- punching her in the face - giving her a black eye she'll have to explain for days.

- throwing red wine on her face - in public - while I shout "How dare you - you awful tramp!"

- Verbally confronting her in front of others "Surely I'm not the FIRST wife of a man you slept with that has confronted you!"

- Best of all, I'd like to read that she decided to jump off a bridge.

Sorry.
I told you I relapsed. Ok. Now I feel better.
Right with you Night Owl. Probably will be for the rest of my life.


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

I don't know if this will be helpful to you or not..........


All I can say is that I can empathize with you,Night Owl.
It is hard not to think about it a lot.

The analogy that comes to mind for me is:

Knowing that an OW is still persistantly pursuing your H is like
knowing that there's a venemous snake in the corner of your room. Even if it doesn't move, it's hard not to want to be aware of its every move......you become hyper-vigilant.

When you know there's someone, who is not in the least concerned with your best interests, trying to interfere with your life and peace of mind, it's a normal reaction.

So don't beat yourself up too much if it's hard to remove her from your mind immediately.......it's a process. You're still fairly fresh in the recovery process.It's nearly impossible to switch gears overnight.

Has your H sent her a NC letter? It does sound like you don't have to worry about him going back to her, based on your post.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

stillINshock said:


> Can I rant for a minute?
> I'm relapsing and feel like doing all the below to my H's OW:
> 
> - punching her in the face - giving her a black eye she'll have to explain for days.
> ...


I am actually really glad it's not just me!

Things I wish I could do:

Take out a billboard with her picture on it that describes all of the mortifying sexual stuff she is into ("pony play" where she dresses like a horse, for one) 

Expose her re: all of the fake health scares (cancer, pregnancy, anxiety attacks) she has pulled to manipulate people.

If/when she shows up to one of the charity benefit shows I run (she's done it before), tell her that we do NOT want her money, not even for charity, and kick her out.

Kick the everloving CRAP out of her. I would do it in a way that maximizes pain but minimizes evidence (i.e. broken bones). Maybe waterboarding, lots of people don't think it's torture, right? 

Get right up in her face and just HISS at her that she IS worthless and powerless and nothing, hopefully setting her off so that she offs herself. 

I don't feel guilty having these thoughts, because she is basically a human disease. Coincidentally I was talking to someone familiar with her type of mental illness last night who does not know her/the situation. We were commiserating about how BPD is largely untreatable and how so many people with it are just hopeless. It is in the same category as antisocial personality disorder for me (sociopaths) - there is not much hope for rehabilitation and they will probably do way more harm than good in their lives. I feel like they are not really people, just empty human husks.

Anyhow, that was therapeutic, thanks for listening.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

NightOwl, 

So sorry you feel stuck in the process, It's normal after a set back...
If you have decided to still move forward and save your marriage just take it slow, go for the therapy sessions for yourself and your recovery. Just focus on you.......
Forget about the OW she is not worth wasting any of your time on.
My therapist told me to stop trying to fix everything and stop trying to make to many decision before I was ready and equipped to do so.
He also told me to only focus on my husband's actions towards me and the marriage and that would show me over time that he can be trusted and believed in again.
He said to look at the situation as a long term thing, the longevity of my husband's commitment is where I will see that he is serious about our marriage and me...
Just work on getting yourself healthy and happy and be the best you you can be.
It's hard to put your emotional self out there again, but I always think if I didn't I would always wonder what could have been.....and if it doesn't work out at least I tried.....
The OW has taken enough from you, don't give her the power anymore........She is not worth it.......you are!!!!!


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