# All but done....seeking final thoughts and considerations pls



## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

I've posted other stories if anyone cares to read them.

The cliff notes version is that I have spent over 4 years in a 100% sexless marriage. We are amicable roommates, remain friends, and largely just co-exist and raise our child.

I became involved in an affair that was since discovered. I have a lot of attachment to my affair partner, the relationship started as a friendship and evolved into much more.

Post discovery we we on and then off again. After my second therapist, a lot of soul searching, reading, considering all alternatives, and talking to a lawyer about divorce.....I decided to take a hiatus from seeing the OW and get my head clear - assure I wasn't in the "fog" as they say.

Fortunately/Unfortunately it has done little to change my perspective. My wife and I are openly discussing our options, we both 100% agree the way we are is no way to live. It's just a facade of a marriage, albeit an advantageous relationship from a parenting and financial standpoint. I just feel like I am dying inside. I'm not proud of things I have done, nor to I accept fault for the state of my marriage. I know the consequences of my actions and my wife accepts her role in this issue as well. So....that that extent, we are hadnling it maturely and can have an objective and constructive conversation.

My issues is that I want a divorce and she wants to repair our relationship. I have only told her I think our chances for repair or slim - I have not formally announced I am filing. I plan to do so in the VERY near term. I also have, what I'm sure is common, some reservations. My concerns are less about my wife and I, and more about navigating through it understanding the impact it will have on my 14 year old. Financially, no concerns, certainly a pinch, but we can maintain current lifestyle and separate homes - I've been preparing for a worst scenario outcome for a long time now.

Lastly the OW. I do miss her, I hope for the best, and although I remain optimistic - I am aware of the odds and understand it may not work out. I just can't base my decision on that being a factor.....the only thing I know is that 4+ years of no intimacy, my betrayal, and a host of other issues has resulted in a relationship I can't see repairing or ever being satisfying under the best of outcomes.

Not sure I really have a question in this other than to hear from anyone that ma have gone through a similar situation or any thoughts on factors I've failed to consider.

It's such a difficult thing to do, hurt someone you still care for - I just think we both deserve better and it seems divorcing and working through intense pain towards a chance of happiness is a better route that extending what has been multiple years of a persistent ache.

Any and all thoughts are appreciated. Thank you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Most divorces are not mutual.
If you are 100% sure this is what you want, file and don't drag out the process by giving her a false sense of hope. I can't imagine anything crueller.


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

Sounds like you’re still in the fog, or at least the “High” of having a woman desire you and be intimate with you. That’s a POWERFUL drug when you feel like you’ve gone cold turkey for so long.

Do you love your wife?

Why did you marriage becomes sexless? That’s the real issue. If someone asked your wife, without you being there, and her thinking you’d NEVER see the answers, what do you think she’d say?

Does she reject you when you try to have sex, so you just quit trying?

Does she ever tell you “I enjoy sex once we’re having it, but I just don’t think about sex.”?

Do you act around your wife the same way you do around the OW? 

Is the OW in a relationship or recently out of one?

You mention “Finding Happiness”. Hate to tell you that if you are dropping the ‘H’ Word like that, and then you also try to mention that you can’t think about a future with the OW, because it might not work out etc…you’re not thinking clear.

Happiness has NOTHING to do with you getting laid. Sure, intimacy and sex are BIG parts of happiness, especially for men. We feel the NEED to be WANTED and DESIRED PHYSICALLY by our wives. We are simply wired that way.

If you wife knows and she still wants to work on the relationship, you have some hard questions in front of you where you BOTH have to be TOTALLY HONEST. (Easier said than done)

Here’s one for you….

If someone told you right now, they could see the future, and that if leave the marriage and end up with OW, that the relationship would not last at all…you knew for CERTAIN it wouldn’t. Would you still be so set on Divorce?

If you have to think about that answer long at all, you might want to really question what’s going on and do some research and reading.

Go HERE

Read his book. Be honest with YOURSELF. HONEST. 

See if you’re guilty of feeling rejected, getting resentful, and simply pulling away.

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, and I’m not going there again.

No one can tell you whether or not Divorce is the right answer, but there are plenty of people who regret it………….women and men.

The Grass may be greener on the other side, but eventually Winter comes no matter where you go.


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

CantBeJustMe said:


> Do you love your wife?
> *Sure, I love my siblings also, love is an ambiguous term. I care for her, wish nothing bad upon her, and I am not angry. At the same time I do not have romantic feelings for her, if I did I would not trust her to reciprocate again, and I have lost any and all sexual interest in her.*
> 
> Why did you marriage becomes sexless?
> ...


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

Well I'd advise at least checking out the book and link I showed you.

Seems you just went longer than most people ever do and you just simply shut down.

Also pays to read this link about sex for women:

Taking Back the Reins: Every Husband and Wife NEEDS to read this

It might be too late. But somewhere along the line there WAS that physical attraction between you two. It was there.

I wonder if you wife is suffering from depression or PTSD, I see where you guys dealt with some tough, tragic issues with children and trying to have more.

Good luck.


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## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

CantBeJustMe said:


> Well I'd advise at least checking out the book and link I showed you.
> 
> Seems you just went longer than most people ever do and you just simply shut down.
> 
> ...


* Thanks again and thank you for taking the time to read the other posts I have provided. I appreciate the consideration. I have read A LOT of books. I keep wanting things to be black or what and they just aren't. I do feel it went on too long. That is a big regret of mine, I think there was a time we could have worked it out, I tried to gt her to do so, but she wasn't read. She's never been ready in fact until she discovered the affair and understood the high risk of divorce. That's a whole other set of issues regarding my belief on her motivation to stay married. I am in the "1%" if you will and that leads me to question if she really wants "me" or wants to retain the life comforts I provide. She hasn't initiated any form of intimacy in years, but she certainly has always enjoyed her lifestyle...hmmm *


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

You gotta be true to yourself ...

I don't understand why so many tells one "Stay and work on it”... regardless, just for the fact ...and I wonder ?, but to what degree of a satisfied life ?

I’ve often heard, in order to predict the further two years, look at the past two years ...and if you want it different, then work from that point ....regardless what the relationships are like . 

~sammy


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> You gotta be true to yourself ...I don't understand why so many tells one "Stay and work on it”... regardless, just for the fact ...and I wonder ?, but to what degree of a satisfied life ?
> 
> I’ve often heard, in order to predict the further two years, look at the past two years ...and if you want it different, then work from that point ....regardless what the relationships are like .
> 
> ~sammy


I think many people say "Stay and work on it" because many people here struggled in a marriage, for various reasons, and many of these people left that marriage. What they realized is that we are prone to making the same mistakes in new relationships, especially if we never really recognized what those mistakes were.
Sure, there are some marriages that can’t be saved. Generally this involves a husband or wife who just refuses to look inward. They are fine with the status quo, even if their spouse is definitely not. Once you’ve taken care of yourself, you can’t make a spouse start looking at what they have been doing. 
My advice is to simply be honest with yourself. If you think you’ve done everything in your power to salvage your marriage, then you can move on. It definitely helps with closure and playing the ‘what if’ game when you can honestly tell yourself you did your best.


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