# Frustrated.



## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

I'll probably be hung out to dry on this but here goes.

I've posted in another thread that my wife gets frequent yeast infections. So, with those and her "time of the month" that puts us at sex maybe once per month. Then there's also her tmj pain so oral is pretty much out. I won't go into detail in this thread as I did in the other but suffice to say I sympathize with her issues. Don't beat me up over giving the bare minimum background.

Moving on, I've asked her repeatedly since she has these issues can we maybe spice things up in other ways. But it never happens. I'll ask her to wear "sexy" outfits. Maybe shower together. Sleep naked (hard to do with kids in the house though). Something, *anything* to spice things up. This may be TMI so skip if you want but I've even asked her to let me "finish" in her mouth. The other night she said yes but at the moment of truth...nothing. I've asked about maybe anal but she's not to keen on that one. I do understand a bit but we've done it once before a loooooong time ago so it might be worth a try. 
As I said, we maybe have intercourse once per month but sometimes less. Then maybe every other week or three she'll just invite me into the bedroom and give me a handjob. And it's like the most uncomfortable, unemotional act I can imagine. It's just something she does for me and doesn't feel like it's something she wants to do. So, in a way, I'm thankful but it's become our sex life now and it just isn't fulfilling whatsoever. 

I realize to someone not knowing the whole story I might look bad but I honestly just want our relationship (yes, even physical) to grow. I just can't see living like this for the rest of my life.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Prevent, rather than treat the yeast infections, if possible. That may help improve things, as a first step.

3 Ways to Prevent Recurrent Yeast Infections - wikiHow


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Prevent, rather than treat the yeast infections, if possible. That may help improve things, as a first step.
> 
> 3 Ways to Prevent Recurrent Yeast Infections - wikiHow


As much as I appreciate your concern she's tried everything. I really don't want to turn this into a YI thread.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Unthought Known said:


> As much as I appreciate your concern she's tried everything. I really don't want to turn this into a YI thread.


Was there ever a time earlier in the marriage where you two had a good to great sex life (or at least much better than you have now) when yeast infections were not an issue?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I remember your earlier threads.

U.K., at this point I would suggest visiting a marriage counselor and/or a licensed sex therapist. Your wife needs to know in no uncertain terms that she is NOT meeting any of your sexual needs. She needs to learn ways to be creative in the bedroom and really connect with you intimately; not just give you stale handjobs that are unfulfilling. You've already invested 10 years in an unfulfilling, lackluster relationship; you'll be in the same boat in 10 more years if she doesn't agree to this.

Short of this, I would consider pulling the plug on your marriage. Sound harsh? I don't think so. We only have one life. Why spend it miserable and unfulfilled?

I also think her infidelity issues from years ago have a lot more to do with her sexual problems with you than you realize. Counseling will help uncover those buried issues that were never properly dealt with.


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Was there ever a time earlier in the marriage where you two had a good to great sex life (or at least much better than you have now) when yeast infections were not an issue?


I would say "good" yes. Not spectacular but I realize that's all relative.

And the YI's didn't really start to get very frequent until the last few years. Maybe 5 yrs or so but it's hard to remember.


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> I remember your earlier threads.
> 
> U.K., at this point I would suggest visiting a marriage counselor and/or a licensed sex therapist. Your wife needs to know in no uncertain terms that she is NOT meeting any of your sexual needs. She needs to learn ways to be creative in the bedroom and really connect with you intimately; not just give you stale handjobs that are unfulfilling. You've already invested 10 years in an unfulfilling, lackluster relationship; you'll be in the same boat in 10 more years if she doesn't agree to this.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply.

I know alot of what you said is right and I'm not ignoring that fact but I know my wife would never want to see a sex therapist, etc. We did see a marriage counselor years ago. She absolutely knows she's not meeting my expectations. 

I agree about pulling the plug. I don't take it as harsh. It's the truth. But with kids (who know absolutely nothing of this) it's very difficult. The financial aspects would affect them without a doubt. So, I know it sounds like an excuse but it's a reason.
The infidelity may have something to do with general problems nowadays but we literally started counselling within 2 or 3 days of my discovery. The therapist was surprised at that. I think the therapy helped "us" but I also told her she needed individual counseling at that time. She never did.

Who knows, I might suggest it one day. Just not sure regular therapy can help any more and I know her well enough that she wouldn't feel comfortable talking about sexual issues with a therapist.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Which one of you cheated?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Which one of you cheated?



he said he discovered it so I am assuming his wife did


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> he said he discovered it so I am assuming his wife did




He said "we literally started counselling within 2 or 3 days of my discovery". "my discovery" could mean he discovered it, or it could mean that he was discovered. I guess I was just confused. All I know is, I wouldn't have any patience or tolerance for sexlessness if I was with a woman who cheated on me. One or the other I might find a way through, but not both.


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> He said "we literally started counselling within 2 or 3 days of my discovery". "my discovery" could mean he discovered it, or it could mean that he was discovered. I guess I was just confused. All I know is, I wouldn't have any patience or tolerance for sexlessness if I was with a woman who cheated on me. One or the other I might find a way through, but not both.


She did. Almost 5 yrs ago. 

I ask myself that alot among other things. I stayed 99% because of the kids. Sad but true.

I mean, if I had an affair on my wife and she agreed to repair the relationship I would bend over backwards for her daily. Of course that's easier said than done. And it's even easier to say when it's not reality.

Don't get me wrong, she doesn't treat me bad. We really don't argue alot. Just normal disagreements here and there. 

Sometimes I just wish I would have ended it all right then. But I knew back then that was the easy way out for me but would have been the toughest for my children. Not that they would be scarred for life. I chose the easiest for them but hardest for me. Either way, I can't look back and dwell on my decision.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

You really need to figure out the timing between this problem and her affair.

If you are not going to take action, then she will continue doing whatever she is doing now. There is no way I would stand for this if my wife had an affair.


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

Lila said:


> Aside from the occasional hand jobs, does your wife do anything else in lieu of PIV sex to satisfy you?


other than what I posted? No.


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

Tasorundo said:


> You really need to figure out the timing between this problem and her affair.
> 
> If you are not going to take action, then she will continue doing whatever she is doing now. There is no way I would stand for this if my wife had an affair.


Well, the yeast infections have increased greatly since that time. Therefore the frequency of intimacy has decreased. Her Dr. just said it sometimes happens to some women. My wife is also a person that gets stressed very easily and stress can also cause medical issues so it's kinda a vicious cycle. 
I don't think ones related to the other although I could be wrong.
And I trying to figure out what to do to take action. We've already talked and she knows this bothers me and she says she'll do better/try harder. But it just never really happens for the most part.

Believe me, before this all happened 2 kids and 5 yrs ago, I would be the first to say that I won't stand for it. Things change. Now, if she wasn't remorseful, i'd be gone. And if I had evidence of the affair continuing, I'd be gone. I haven't just laid like a doormat for all these years.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Unthought Known said:


> Well, the yeast infections have increased greatly since that time. Therefore the frequency of intimacy has decreased. Her Dr. just said it sometimes happens to some women. My wife is also a person that gets stressed very easily and stress can also cause medical issues so it's kinda a vicious cycle.
> I don't think ones related to the other although I could be wrong.
> And I trying to figure out what to do to take action. We've already talked and she knows this bothers me and she says she'll do better/try harder. But it just never really happens for the most part.
> 
> Believe me, before this all happened 2 kids and 5 yrs ago, I would be the first to say that I won't stand for it. Things change. Now, if she wasn't remorseful, i'd be gone. And if I had evidence of the affair continuing, I'd be gone. I haven't just laid like a doormat for all these years.


Remorse is shown through actions, not words. Staying with you and being sexless sure seems like unremorseful actions to me. How much have you snooped? Are you sure she isn't simply trying to stay faithful to her affair partner?


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Remorse is shown through actions, not words. Staying with you and being sexless sure seems like unremorseful actions to me. How much have you snooped? Are you sure she isn't simply trying to stay faithful to her affair partner?


I do agree about remorse but as far as the infidelity part of it she has shown actions. There's alot more to it. And I really didn't want to focus on the infidelity but I understand the curiosity as it relates to my relationship.
And, I'm not defending her as much as I'm saying specifically relating to the infidelity she has shown remorse and that is something completely separate from sex. 
Yes, I know 100% waht happened almost 5 yrs ago has not continued. Absolutely. But I can't convince you of this (no offense meant).




Lila said:


> Well then, since oral and PIV sex are not options due to your wife's discomfort associated with TMJ and Y.I., respectively, you're kind of left with just hand jobs and full body massage-type activities for sexual intimacy.
> 
> However, there's no reason for her to reject your suggestions for non-sexual intimacy. Showering together, sleeping naked, and wearing lingerie should be easy requests for her to agree to. Have you asked her why she won't do these things for you?


Oh, for most she has excuses but not in a mean way. I mean, we have two kids so I can see where showering together and sleeping naked would be a little difficult to pull off. I was just thinking of things off the top of my head. I was hoping that she could do the same. So far, nadda.
The way I told her one day was if I broke my leg and couldn't take out the trash I would fill and empty the dishwasher twice as much to make up for it. She laughed and understood my point but nothing changed. 

Again, she's not mean about it but intimacy just isn't a priority to her. To be honest I've almost gotten to the point that the frustration just isn't worth the reward anymore.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

UK...infidelity or not...lack of intimacy or sex is a marriage killer. You're already on a pink messageboard asking for advice on how to deal with this situation. Think about that for a second.

This is NOT sustainable for you. For her...she can go on forever not giving you sex. But if I were in your shoes I would seriously reconsider the fact that you will stick this out regardless of the circumstances for the sake of the kids. I'm doing it right now and its just a really dumb decision...I dont know why Im still doing it. But the kids can most definitely feel my hopelessness. And its just not fair to them.

I hope you find a resolution. Status quo is not an option though.


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## dollygal (Sep 23, 2014)

So it seems basically you're frustrated your wives fulfill several acts that are for your sole pleasure? I imagine you are aware that people don't always get what they want so it may be suited to accept your wife isn't going to dress kinky just for your enjoyment, swallow your load for whatever pleasure you get, or deal with anal insertion for you.

It'd be more suited to compromise on the frequency and desire of the sex you have now. Unless a one-sided fulfilling sex life is what you seek and likely will get if she does these things to spice up the sex life for only your benefit.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

If any 'normal' spouse had a medical reason or a disability that prevented him/her from doing certain things then they compensate in other ways. Or should....if their marriage/spouse means anything to them.

There are lots of men and women who are unable to have penetrative vaginal sex but make up for it in other ways.

Seems to me UK's wife is just not interested. Much like mine.

However I do fully understand where the OP is coming from re the 'difficulties' in leaving...children, financial etc.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

UK, some things to keep in mind.

People asking about the affair wrt to timing, duration, wether it was physical, emotional only, etc have nothing to do with curiosity. It is likely still one of the important reasons for why your sex life sucks today. 

The sex in marriage forum is to discuss issues pertaining to problems in the sexual relationship. However, rarely are those problems the root cause of marital problems. Most problems with sexual intimacy have a deeper root cause that tends to be unrelated to sex at all. Infidelity for one is a biggie. Also, a spouse losing respect for his/her partner, losing attraction for a spouse due to resentment or behaviors that used to be cute now being annoying, etc. 

Is it possible that your wife 1) doesn't have as many YI's as she claims, 2) is in no hurry to seriously fix the issue due to a lack in interest in you or 3) is not suffering from any YI's at all?


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

askari said:


> If any 'normal' spouse had a medical reason or a disability that prevented him/her from doing certain things then they compensate in other ways. Or should....if their marriage/spouse means anything to them.
> 
> There are lots of men and women who are unable to have penetrative vaginal sex but make up for it in other ways.
> 
> ...


Exactly. You answered it as good as I could have. 



Plan 9 from OS said:


> UK, some things to keep in mind.
> 
> People asking about the affair wrt to timing, duration, wether it was physical, emotional only, etc have nothing to do with curiosity. It is likely still one of the important reasons for why your sex life sucks today.
> 
> ...


I probably phrased it wrong. I guess I just don't think the affair has anything to do with the lack of sex. The lack of sex is almost directly related to YI's and her general health, etc. Not that she's a bed ridden, extremely ill person. Again, I could certainly be wrong.

I wouldn't think she's lost respect for me but who knows. Maybe a little less attracted but if I'm being honest, I have as well.

And the YI's are in fact very real. I could give numerous details but I am positive they are there.
I guess I am more or less venting. The best thing I could do for myself is divorce. Or at least separate. But it's not like 100% of the marriage is terrible.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

U.K., I know you don't want this to turn into a YI thread, but I have a couple of thoughts that may be helpful. I think I posted this in your other thread.

If she in fact is having THAT many YIs (and they are documented by her doctor, not just "assuming" they're YIs because she's having an itchy discharge) it's usually a sign that something is seriously out of whack in the "balance" in her body. The first place to start is diet... is she eating a lot of breads, pastas, cakes, pastries, sugar, alcohol, which would all contribute to a yeast overgrowth? Or does she eat a clean Paleo type diet -- fresh, whole, unprocessed foods, lots of raw vegetables, protein, nuts, seeds, healthy oils? That's the first place I would start.

Secondly, there are a lot of reasons why some women have itchy discharge that have nothing to do with yeast. Sorry if this is TMI, but some years back, I was plagued with what I thought were recurring YIs. The doctor assumed it was as well, I would dutifully head over to the drug store to buy Monistat, over and over. Problem kept occurring. My doctor finally investigated further -- it turns out, I had very small benign cysts on my cervix that were producing too much mucous, very uncomfortable, itchy discharge. 15 minute cryo-cauterization of the cervix, problem solved.


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

happy - Thanks for the info. I wouldn't say her diet is very good but it's not all that bad either. Her Dr. has run several tests and TBH I can't recall the results. Again, this has gone on for years. Years.

I think her Dr. just shoves a pill at her just because it's easy to do. I've begged her to go to a different Dr. and get checked but she won't. I personally don't think they are true YI's because sometimes the monistat or the pill her Dr gets rid of them and sometimes it doesn't. It's happened so many times I've lost count. But it's her vagina and I can't make her take care of it the way I would.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Unthought Known said:


> She did. Almost 5 yrs ago.
> 
> I ask myself that alot among other things. I stayed 99% because of the kids. Sad but true.
> 
> ...


Maybe she took you forgiving her for granted, she got what she wanted and is just plodding along with life the way she wants it.....

One question, I cant understand why you cant sleep naked together because you have children?. I have children, but they know not to just come bounding in, and if they are really young, I cant see why this should be a big problem


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> I remember your earlier threads.
> 
> U.K., at this point I would suggest visiting a marriage counselor and/or a licensed sex therapist. Your wife needs to know in no uncertain terms that she is NOT meeting any of your sexual needs. She needs to learn ways to be creative in the bedroom and really connect with you intimately; not just give you stale handjobs that are unfulfilling. You've already invested 10 years in an unfulfilling, lackluster relationship; you'll be in the same boat in 10 more years if she doesn't agree to this.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Unthought Known said:


> happy - Thanks for the info. I wouldn't say her diet is very good but it's not all that bad either. Her Dr. has run several tests and TBH I can't recall the results. Again, this has gone on for years. Years.
> 
> I think her Dr. just shoves a pill at her just because it's easy to do. I've begged her to go to a different Dr. and get checked but she won't. I personally don't think they are true YI's because sometimes the monistat or the pill her Dr gets rid of them and sometimes it doesn't. It's happened so many times I've lost count. But it's her vagina and I can't make her take care of it the way I would.


I think some vigorous attempt to solve this problem is a show of commitment and a willingness on her part to make your unhappiness just as important as her own. She had an affair and I don't agree with you that it does not effect your relationship even 5 yrs later. An affair changes the relationship profoundly. WS needs to show the level of commitment to the relationship that negates the selfishness of an affair. It should be that way for the length of the relationship. 

These two things should be factored into your response in this situation. It is really not about sex. It is that she lacks empathy for you in that she dismisses your distress and she is not working hard enough to deal with a problem that effects the quality of your relationship. Concentrate on these - lack of empathy and shoe of commented. There are things she can try to rid herself of the chronic infection if she wanted to do so. The link below includes some. She can include foods that contain high concentrates of live lactobacillus like yogurt and take pills with lacto. 

Do you exercise, dress nicely, have a hairstyle that is nice? Do you go out with male friends and/or do activities that don't involve her. Do you plan activities with just you and your children? Do you hang on her every word or are you independent? Is she concerned that you may leave or have an affair? 

Vaginal Yeast Infection - Prevention.com


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> UK, some things to keep in mind.
> 
> People asking about the affair wrt to timing, duration, wether it was physical, emotional only, etc have nothing to do with curiosity. It is likely still one of the important reasons for why your sex life sucks today.
> 
> ...


It could be loss of respect since you took her back so quickly.
Were there any childhood sexual abuse issues?
Either way divorce has to be an option for her to wake up so to speak.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

I used to have a lot of yeast infections and it did put a damper on things.

I did those things mentioned in the article, however, the #1 thing that fixed it was wearing panty liners every day and changing them out often. Some women just have more fluids than others, and it being moist is what causes the infections. 

As for her lack of trying to satisfy you in other ways, sounds like she needs a wakeup call of you walking out the door. You can't change lazy without good motivation.

Best of luck to you.


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

melw74 said:


> One question, I cant understand why you cant sleep naked together because you have children?. I have children, but they know not to just come bounding in, and if they are really young, I cant see why this should be a big problem


Personally, I wouldn't even feel comfortable for us to sleep completely naked. I meant topless while the kids are here and naked when they spend the night off which is only about once every 6 weeks or so. Neither has happened.



Catherine602 said:


> I think some vigorous attempt to solve this problem is a show of commitment and a willingness on her part to make your unhappiness just as important as her own. She had an affair and I don't agree with you that it does not effect your relationship even 5 yrs later. An affair changes the relationship profoundly. WS needs to show the level of commitment to the relationship that negates the selfishness of an affair. It should be that way for the length of the relationship.
> 
> These two things should be factored into your response in this situation. It is really not about sex. It is that she lacks empathy for you in that she dismisses your distress and she is not working hard enough to deal with a problem that effects the quality of your relationship. Concentrate on these - lack of empathy and shoe of commented. There are things she can try to rid herself of the chronic infection if she wanted to do so. The link below includes some. She can include foods that contain high concentrates of live lactobacillus like yogurt and take pills with lacto.
> 
> ...


I never said the affair didn't affect our current relationship (if I did, I misspoke). I'm just referring to the intimacy/sex. I personally don't think the affair is contributing to our intimacy/sex issues now. I certainly could be wrong. Sadly, she's always been a bit on the low demand side. Before the affair as well. But now that the other issues mentioned as well as her working and just being tired, two kids, etc. it's dropped off pretty bad. 

She's not dissatisfied with my looks, etc. I'm certain of that. I do have hobbies, etc. I do some stuff with the kids by myself but not alot of time (for any of us). We stay pretty busy in general.

I have no idea if she thinks or has ever thought I would have an affair. She's never accused or even asked me. And BTW I have not ever.
She's changed her diet, soaps, laundry detergent, underwear material and tons of other things. Again, it's her vagina. If she wants to continue having these issues I can't stop it. I've tried suggesting things, etc. Some she does, some she doesn't. BUt I do know they are real and make her miserable.



tom67 said:


> It could be loss of respect since you took her back so quickly.
> Were there any childhood sexual abuse issues?
> Either way divorce has to be an option for her to wake up so to speak.


No child abuse. I guess divorce is an option but as I said. Without each others income combined, the kids will most definitely suffer.
Might be a bad excuse for alot of you to hear but it's the truth.


misticli said:


> I used to have a lot of yeast infections and it did put a damper on things.
> 
> I did those things mentioned in the article, however, the #1 thing that fixed it was wearing panty liners every day and changing them out often. Some women just have more fluids than others, and it being moist is what causes the infections.
> 
> ...


I'll never threaten without following through. If I follow through I have no place to go.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Unthought Known said:


> As much as I appreciate your concern she's tried everything. I really don't want to turn this into a YI thread.


Is she telling you she's tried everything and talked to her doctor or has she actually tried everything? I mean, she's lied to you before.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I have five kids we still manage to shower/bath together, sleep naked some nights and what not.

Time to teach the kids respect for personal space. It is as simple as that.

Using the kids as an excuse by either parent is a huge no no and deal breaker for me personally.


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## Unthought Known (Jul 21, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> Is she telling you she's tried everything and talked to her doctor or has she actually tried everything? I mean, she's lied to you before.


Well, I've seen her take the pills, buy and insert the cream stuff. I've seen her change her diet. I've seen her buy different detergent/underwear. I have absolutely no reason to believe she's lying about her crotch burning/itching. 



CantePe said:


> I have five kids we still manage to shower/bath together, sleep naked some nights and what not.
> 
> Time to teach the kids respect for personal space. It is as simple as that.
> 
> Using the kids as an excuse by either parent is a huge no no and deal breaker for me personally.


Everyone is different. Has nothing to do with my kids respect for me/us.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Regarding yeast infections, do you feel that is happy to have yeast infections to avoid sex with you?

I would assume she hates the yeast infections because they are unpleasant and is doing everything possible to eliminate them. But maybe not.

Yeast infections or not, if she wanted to be more sexual with you she would. This would include more sex, more conversation about sex, more fun around sex, more enthusiasm.

So I don't believe the yeast infections are the problem. They are just masking the problem. 

So, your wife has given you boring unfulflling sex. Then she had an affair. Then she stopped her affair. Then she gave you boring and unfulfilling sex again. As part of the affair recovery process, what did you learn about your actions that were leading her to be non sexual with you? People avoid this becuase it becomes "her blaming you" for her affair. But the way I look at it is if you did nothing wrong, and she has been non sexual with you and cheated on you, then she is a cruel person and you should leave her. IF she can articulate some things you did wrong to turn her off and turn her toward someone else, then you have something you can work with.

Edited to add: Don't dwell on the affiar with her though, since this will reignite her feelings.


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