# Alone and very, very confused.



## BMC1984 (Jan 21, 2010)

Hi.

New member here, I have no one I can talk to about this so have thrown it open to the world! 

I'm neither the Husband nor Wife of a cheater, I'm the son.

My mother is having an affair with the MD of the company we BOTH work for. I've had my suspicions for over a year now and last February I confronted my Mother and she admitted it, though she claimed that it was nothing sexual, and it was nothing. Which in all fairness I believe to be true, because if she's not at work with me, she’s at home (50km away from where the boss lives) so logistically it isn't possible. 
During the Past year I’ve managed to put it to the back of my mind, but on Monday I found further txt messages from the boss and a torn up smutty note written by my mum to him in his bin. 

My parent’s marriage is no way perfect, they've been together for over 30 years, so things are bound to get somewhat stagnant, and I appreciate that. I was THAT close in telling my dad on Monday night, but I stopped myself, worrying that my actions could potentially make things worse.

For me, its the lies that are making me feel physically sick. I work with them both, and it's hard not to show how angry and upset I am, they carry on as they always have done, but flip that and then I see the smutty notes and text messages (Yes I’m spying, but she's driven me to it) 

What is really worrying me is that they're plotting their future plans (I have no evidence to suggest that this is happening, just my imagination going into overtime) perhaps making sure that their respective children have all flown the nest and then they'll hit their partners with a divorce. My father's no spring chicken, he'll be 60 in a couple of years, how can he be expected to start over at that age? It'll be alright for Mother and Boss; they can sail off into the sunset!

Having said all that, at this point I really cannot see that happening. Will she really risk being ostracized by the entire family, because that's what will happen? I have a huge family both on the maternal and paternal side and we're all very close, is she going to throw that all away for another man? 

I just don't know what to do for the best. I was tempted to go in all guns blazing and give her an ultimatum, but I’m worried if I do that I could live to regret it.

Should I just keep my mouth shut? or start shouting the odds?? 

Thanks.

BMC, Richmond, London, UK.


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## whatliesahead (Nov 3, 2009)

For what it is worth, here is my opinion. I would tell your mother that she needs to inform your father of what has been going on. You should let her know that if your father EVER asks you anything (assuming she has not told him) that you will NOT lie for her, that you will tell him the truth.

You need to realize that you are in the middle of this, not of your own choosing, and you may be risking your relationships with both of your parents.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

it's a tough one. Have an honest talk with your mother, tell her everything that you told us - you shouldn't be in the middle of this, but kids always are. Tell her how much this situation is bothering you and discuss this matter in more detail - how to proceed, what are her plans, does she want to leave her husband, is she really ready for all that decision brings...etc. Try and think positively for now and talk to her.


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## BMC1984 (Jan 21, 2010)

Thank You. 

I know I have to do something. The worry I have is if I do talk to her, I may force her into a decision which perhaps she may regret. I'm just a coward. Confronting her was the hardest thing I ever did, and the thought of having to do it again... well... I cant even bring myself to think about it.

As i've said previously, I don't want to make the situation worse. What if this is a flash in the pan type thing (begining to think otherwise) and I end up ruining coutless people's lives? 

I understand that this must be very exciting for them, adrenalin, lust, love...whatever it is. Perhaps what they need is a reality check? Sneeking around like a couple of teenagers when they're both in their 50's is pathetic! and make them understand what they're doing is totally wrong!

If they are that devoted to one another, why not get divorced from their respective partners and start a fresh. I'm starting to think that they both want their cake and eat it!


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

BMC, Its pretty simple to me. I can probably feel comfortable in betting the bank that it is what you are thinking it is, and maybe more. Dont for a second believe that they can't find the time to consumate the affair. 

What I personally would do though is confront her. I would take the angle that she is doing a poor job of setting the example to her children/family of how to behave as an adult who is married. Is that how she wants her children to behave with their own families? May sound harsh but its the reality of what is happening to you right now, regardless of what it actually is doing to you that way. It's safe to say it is doing some miserable things to you mentally and emotionally. That in itself is enough.

Don't blame yourself for this or whatever outcome your confronting anyone would have. You are not the one doing anything and you can not beat yourself up over anything that you do, your not ruining lives, they are. Its their own selfish behaviors and no one elses.

Also, I would not tell her what you know under any circumstance. Just tell her you know everything and leave it at that. Do NOT EVER tell her otherwise. It forces her to contemplate it and come clean.

Good luck.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

"...What if this is a flash in the pan type thing (begining to think otherwise) and I end up ruining coutless people's lives?..."

B - PLEASE don't feel that YOU would be responsible for lives being ruined. That would be her gift to everyone - NOT yours. Do what your gut tells you to do. You know what is right and it is AWFUL that she is doing this to you, her son. No. Wrong.

You could set a date for her, tell her she has until that date to either resolve it and be happy staying with her marriage, or come clean and deal. OR you will for her.

It is my guess that she is living in a false reality right now. And when turly confronted with the real world she will act as her gut tells her to. 

The reality is that you may have discovered the end of your parents marriage before they did. I'm sorry to say it, but it might be the case. But if your father doesn't even have the chance to deal with it himself - with truth - then it isn't a marriage right now anyway. Not one your Father should want I'm sure.

Good luck. Be strong. Do the right thing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you were married would you want to know if your wife was cheating? Would you want your son to tell you if he was the one who knew? Of course you would. Tell your father.

And tell the MD's wife, so she also can make an informed decision.

This it the ONLY way you can save your parents' marriage.


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