# I will wait for him forever?



## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

on have read this many times before on this site and a few others that I read but am not a member. Loveshack am surviving infidelity. 

I'm not sure this is the right place to ask this question.but here goes.

I don't think I have am one of those people that believe that true remorse even exists.I believe people have regrets but not really true remorse.
it is just so difficult to get inside someone's head to Know.

when a Wwife says I will wait for him forever


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

Does anyone know about a wayward who has said this and has done exactly that or is in the process of doing this.


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## Todi (Aug 5, 2013)

I have often asked my STBXW if she's REALLY sorry or just sorry that she got caught. She has always replied with "I'm really sorry", but copious amounts of evidence always point to the latter...

I agree there are regrets, but I also don't believe "true remorse" exists. At least not in the vast majority of cases. I would assume that true remorse comes with TONS of heavy lifting from the betrayer.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jeffery said:


> on have read this many times before on this site and a few others that I read but am not a member. Loveshack am surviving infidelity.
> 
> I'm not sure this is the right place to ask this question.but here goes.
> 
> ...


Wait for who...? Her BH?

LOLOLOLOLOLOL


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Difficult to know. I think that there are two groups of people , those that put themselves first and think little of betraying their P and those in spite of difficulties etc who will not do that to their P. The former group lack a form of empathy for the betrayed otherwise they would not cheat. Therefore it is probably safe to say in general that they never feel true remorse because they do not empathise or really understand the pain and damage they cause,


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Wait for who...? Her BH?
> 
> LOLOLOLOLOLOL


Gus don't be such a cynic! I've seen a WW wait forever for her betrayed husband - she was riding around town on one of these...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Gus don't be such a cynic! I've seen a WW wait forever for her betrayed husband - she was riding around town on one of these...



Prolly depends on what you mean by "waiting".

In any case, any WW professing her commitment to _waiting_ for her BH probably has (or _had_) a BH that decided she wasn't worth _wading_ through all of her bullsh*t.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I watched a video of a therapist that I thought summed it up pretty good. After talking to hundreds of cheaters, Almost all of them were sorry & remorseful about hurting their spouse & all the pain it caused, but none of them were sorry for the experience & excitement of having an affair.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I watched a video of a therapist that I thought summed it up pretty good. After talking to hundreds of cheaters, Almost all of them were sorry & remorseful about hurting there spouse & all the pain it caused, but none of them were sorry for the experience & excitement of having an affair.



"I'm sorry that it hurt you, but I'm not sorry that I did it. I mean... why couldn't you have just been OK with it?"


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I watched a video of a therapist that I thought summed it up pretty good. After talking to hundreds of cheaters, Almost all of them were sorry & remorseful about hurting there spouse & all the pain it caused, but none of them were sorry for the experience & excitement of having an affair.


Can we be honest here - the cheater has fun while cheating - that is the ugly truth. The chase, the seduction, the danger, the sex - its all one giant fun game for them. They were intoxicated by it all and got off on the experience. if they R or D - they can not deny they were having fun before they got caught. It's the consequences they don't want - but the fun and sex - heck yeah!!

And if it is a LTA you can bet they were enjoying the sex a lot! That is the ugly truth.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

Aine I have heard this before and I totally agree with you


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

watched a video of a therapist that I thought summed it up pretty good. After talking to hundreds of cheaters, Almost all of them were sorry & remorseful about hurting there spouse & all the pain it caused, but none of them were sorry for the experience & excitement of having an affair.

I believe this is so true that is why I not even for sec considered r


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

anyone with a story of hope?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

There was one on here tears, I 100 % beleive she was remorseful and regretted it. But the others not so much.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

There are a few posts here where there are happy ending. Where the cheating spouse did do all the right things and won the betrayed back.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> There was one on here tears, I 100 % beleive she was remorseful and regretted it. But the others not so much.


Tears and MrsJohnAdams but with those two - they had a ONS and not a LTA - I totally get why a BH could and would forgive that. They both seem like sweet, decent ladies.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

Me personally I would never ever ever forgive or forget cheating, no second chances with me. My wife knows this and she is the same. I 100% trust my wife.

They know that they are destroying the marriage when they do it, they don't care all the cheaters care is about themselves. Why would anyone want to stay married to a person like that. I don't care if you were married 30 great years and had 1 slip up.

Like the Italian couple last year I read about married 60 or 70 years. They in their 80s or 90s he found a letter she had wrote to a guy in the early years of their marriage. Basically saying she cheated...... He divorced her.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

Tears story was the reason I joined tam back in 2012

She said she would wait even after her ex husband started dating.

Butttttt. Even she admits on going on two "dates" while they were trying to r and it seem to slow their r down and he took longer to recommit


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

Dates with another man


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Jeffery said:


> Tears story was the reason I joined tam back in 2012
> 
> She said she would wait even after her ex husband started dating.
> 
> Butttttt. Even she admits on going on two "dates" while they were trying to r and it seem to slow their r down and he took longer to recommit


did she sleep with her dates? her h was sleeping with other women...


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Jeffery said:


> anyone with a story of hope?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation.html

One of the best threads on TAM.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> did she sleep with her dates? her h was sleeping with other women...


Not that I recall, but I have not been on her thread in a long long time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jeffery said:


> on have read this many times before on this site and a few others that I read but am not a member. Loveshack am surviving infidelity.
> 
> I'm not sure this is the right place to ask this question.but here goes.
> 
> ...


True remorse does exist.

Trouble is, sometimes it comes too late, like after the BS has moved on.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

My WW professed undying love to me, and that she was 'sorry' and 'remorseful'. But once she saw that I was going to be financially fair in the divorce she headed for the exit. 

She wanted to live a very different lifestyle than I did. But she was too scared to leave me. I provided her with security and stability and she thought she could live a secret life behind my back. Once she realized she could make it on her own, she dropped all pretense of wanting things to go back to the way they were.

I think comments like "I'll wait for him to come around" or "I'll wait for him forever" are just further manipulations to give false hope. If the wayward had that kind of will power they wouldn't have cheated in the first place.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Gus don't be such a cynic! I've seen a WW wait forever for her betrayed husband - she was riding around town on one of these...


*Truth: It's one of those white pointy things that my RSXW stuck up my rear, and never bothered even looking back!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Acoa said:


> My WW professed undying love to me, and that she was 'sorry' and 'remorseful'. But once she saw that I was going to be financially fair in the divorce she headed for the exit.
> 
> She wanted to live a very different lifestyle than I did. But she was too scared to leave me. I provided her with security and stability and she thought she could live a secret life behind my back. Once she realized she could make it on her own, she dropped all pretense of wanting things to go back to the way they were.
> 
> I think comments like "I'll wait for him to come around" or "I'll wait for him forever" are just further manipulations to give false hope. If the wayward had that kind of will power they wouldn't have cheated in the first place.


It's all one big childish ego stroking game for cheaters. That's why true Rs - i mean where the couple is happy and healed are rare.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Truth: It's one of those white pointy things that my RSXW stuck up my rear, and never bothered even looking back!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cheaters love one person - themselves...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> True remorse does exist.
> 
> Trouble is, sometimes it comes too late, like after the BS has moved on.


*... or even worse, has died!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

This sums it up....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I think true remorse does exist. BUT I think people who are capable of true remorse are the type of people who would never cheat in the first place. So, I think it is VERY rare for a cheater to feel true remorse. I would guess that it's the cheater who realizes on his own that he's doing something horribly wrong, and so he ends it without ever having been caught. And how often does that happen? 

My uncle cheated on my aunt. They've reconciled, and he has expressed a great deal of remorse to me. But it was always about how he was remorseful for hurting my aunt, for disappointing my grandparents, for hurting my cousin (his daughter), etc, etc--but I've never once heard him expressing remorse for fvcking another woman. And I don't think he's remorseful about that; I think he would have kept on with her if my aunt would have allowed it.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> *I think true remorse does exist. BUT I think people who are capable of true remorse are the type of people who would never cheat in the first place. So, I think it is VERY rare for a cheater to feel true remorse. * I would guess that it's the cheater who realizes on his own that he's doing something horribly wrong, and so he ends it without ever having been caught. And how often does that happen?
> 
> My uncle cheated on my aunt. They've reconciled, and he has expressed a great deal of remorse to me. But it was always about how he was remorseful for hurting my aunt, for disappointing my grandparents, for hurting my cousin (his daughter), etc, etc--but I've never once heard him expressing remorse for fvcking another woman. And I don't think he's remorseful about that; I think he would have kept on with her if my aunt would have allowed it.


Bingo!!! both faithful and unfaithful partners face challenges in marriage but only one chooses to go [email protected]#$ someone else in order to deal with their problems. As far as a WS waiting forever? :rofl:
They could barely wait till you were out of sight to [email protected]#$ their lover now they are going to wait home for you to come back - that has to be EXTREMELY rare...does not seem to be in the cheaters DNA. LTAs are particularly deplorable those folks are waiting on no one.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> I think true remorse does exist. BUT I think people who are capable of true remorse are the type of people who would never cheat in the first place. So, I think it is VERY rare for a cheater to feel true remorse.


My sentiments exactly....


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I watched a video of a therapist that I thought summed it up pretty good. After talking to hundreds of cheaters, Almost all of them were sorry & remorseful about hurting there spouse & all the pain it caused, but none of them were sorry for the experience & excitement of having an affair.


this ? 

Esther Perel: Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | TED Talk | TED.com


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Truthseeker1 said:


> This sums it up....


These kinds of threads always drive me crazy, because obviously I am living proof that there "can be" true remorse. Now I will admit, it is *EXTREMELY rare*: meaning maybe 1 in 100 if that many. But it does happen. In all my time here on TAM (which you'all can see is many years) I can probably count on one hand the number of Disloyals who turned it around and showed true remorse so that they could rebuild a new marriage. 

But this quote actually really struck me--and @Truthseeker1 I know you and I don't always see eye-to-eye but I'm not calling you out here--I think you just happened to be the person who posted what a lot of Loyals feel. 

I completely agree with this part: "Cheaters are cowards that are tempted to chase the fantasy of what could be...." It is absolutely 100% cowardly to have an affair, because true courage would be to FACE the issues the marriage is having and ADDRESS them--even if the addressing them means separating. Escaping into "Fantasy Land" is an act of cowardice. 

And to some degree I think I lot more people "escape" than just Disloyals. Many people avoid their own issues, blame others, escape into booze or games, or compare their own marriage to "their friends" or "their neighbors" and think they are entitled to better--like they could trade in their spouse for a newer model! LOL That kind of thinking is so pervasive! "What's in it for me?" rather than "What do I need to change about myself to make my life better?" 

But this part here: "...instead of courageously addressing their own self-destructive behaviors and cultivating what is." Okay read above--obviously I do agree that choosing infidelity is cowardly; the truly courageous thing would have been to address issues. And here's where/why I think so few Disloyals ever hit "true remorse"--because in order to achieve true remorse you do, in fact, have to do the courageous thing: face your self-destructive behaviors (the ones you ran away from) -AND- face the damage you've done -AND- do the work to repair or rebuild what you destroyed -AND- cultivate what you plowed under!

I think if a person is not courageous enough to address their own issues, they usually are not courageous enough to face additional things too! 

But here's where it gets weird. Think of those here on TAM who did achieve "true remorse" -- folks like EI, MrsAdams, Tears .... I include myself in the group. I don't of any of us as folks who just didn't have morals or who just did it for the thrill. I think most of this group are people who HAVE the character qualities to be better people, who have the morals and courage, but who had something happen in their lives that messed them up or set them on their ear and the coping mechanism to THAT thing was a completely wrong choice. 

Anyway...that's my theory. Does a truly remorseful Disloyal exist? I think so, but it's about as rare as a white tiger.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

could you give me a link to their stories this EI & Mrs. John Adams


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> These kinds of threads always drive me crazy, because obviously I am living proof that there "can be" true remorse. Now I will admit, it is *EXTREMELY rare*: meaning maybe 1 in 100 if that many. But it does happen. In all my time here on TAM (which you'all can see is many years) I can probably count on one hand the number of Disloyals who turned it around and showed true remorse so that they could rebuild a new marriage.
> 
> But this quote actually really struck me--and @Truthseeker1 I know you and I don't always see eye-to-eye but I'm not calling you out here--I think you just happened to be the person who posted what a lot of Loyals feel.
> 
> ...


 @Affaircare first off I have a tremendous amount of respect for you and your posts and I think we see eye to eye more than not.

Yours was an EA - while I'm not condoning it you STOPPED short of consummating it and carrying on a PA for YEARS. I know, i know it's not the majority of TAMers view but your emotional infidelity while wrong was nowhere near the worst of what I have seen and not only have you owned up to it but you nurse a sick husband and make sacrifices for love. My hierarchy goes like this EA-ONS-LTA you are at the very bottom. I do not view you in the same light as a WS in a LTA.

That being said even being remorseful the cheater can never comprehend what they have done unless they have been cheated on -remorse while good and unfortunately rare still leaves a wreckage which takes years to clean up. The betrayed is NEVER the same and while some argue the cheater is never the same - the cheaters wounds are self-inflicted the BS has these wounds inflicted upon them. 

Remorseful spouses should be encouraged and if they become better people that is fantastic but the ugly truth is they have destroyed something permanetly.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

One more point - people in LTAs enjoyed it while they were involved in it. They received a tremendous amount of pleasure - it's a high, an addiction - those who deny that are lying. when you have to go out of your way to repeatedly have sex with someone you are enjoying it immensely.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

eastsouth2000 said:


> could you give me a link to their stories this EI & Mrs. John Adams


Here are some links to profiles and then you can find their posts from there:

MrsMathis

AnnieAsh

Regret

EI

Mrs. John Adams

tears

Also here is the epic Reconciliation thread


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> Here are some links to profiles and then you can find their posts from there:
> 
> MrsMathis
> 
> ...


Rookie4's story was the most compelling on the reconciliation thread...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)




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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Un Amor Perdido had a thread similar to Tears.

ONS with a college acquaintance, confessed to her husband, last word was they were doing fairly well with some minor setbacks in reconciliation.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> I think true remorse does exist. BUT I think people who are capable of true remorse are the type of people who would never cheat in the first place.





BetrayedDad said:


> My sentiments exactly....


Yep. In a broad sense, at least. Would make a good poll.

True remorse is like penicillin, it has to be cultured from some nasty fungus.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jeffery said:


> Does anyone know about a wayward who has said this and has done exactly that or is in the process of doing this.


Yep. Me.

I was in a stupid revenge affair, though I wasn't aware of what I was doing.

When I realised what I was doing I stopped the affair and confessed to my wife.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

I am a cheater and I am here to say that genuine remorse can and does exist within us. When D-Day arrived, I was clueless. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew that if my wife ever found out that it would hurt her. I knew that it would possibly be the end of our marriage. What I didn't understand at the time was the depth of the pain I had caused and all the wreckage I have created. Frankly, I am amazed that she decided to stay married to me. Looking back on it now after months of therapy, I have to be honest...I wasn't truly remorseful over what I had done. As I entered into very extensive therapy, as the layers of lies, deceit, self centeredness, were peeled back...It began hitting me....hard.

I remember one night after she finally took me back into our bedroom, we had just finished making love and I was looking at her face, caressing her and thinking how beautiful she is...and it hit me like a ton of bricks (I'm tearing up right now rethinking this)...and I sobbed like I never have before in my life. We held each other for an hour while I spilled my guts to her. I acknowledged her pain. I owned my selfishness and told her as much.

It has been 9 months to the day since D-Day (12/19/14) and not one single day has gone by where I don't think about how I have hurt the woman I love so deeply...Not...one...single...day.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Jeffery said:


> Does anyone know about a wayward who has said this and has done exactly that or is in the process of doing this.


I've seen it personally....Its very sad(and self inflicted) and shows true remorse and regret..DUDE


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> I am a cheater and I am here to say that genuine remorse can and does exist within us. When D-Day arrived, I was clueless. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew that if my wife ever found out that it would hurt her. I knew that it would possibly be the end of our marriage. What I didn't understand at the time was the depth of the pain I had caused and all the wreckage I have created. Frankly, I am amazed that she decided to stay married to me. Looking back on it now after months of therapy, I have to be honest...I wasn't truly remorseful over what I had done. As I entered into very extensive therapy, as the layers of lies, deceit, self centeredness, were peeled back...It began hitting me....hard.
> 
> I remember one night after she finally took me back into our bedroom, we had just finished making love and I was looking at her face, caressing her and thinking how beautiful she is...and it hit me like a ton of bricks (I'm tearing up right now rethinking this)...and I sobbed like I never have before in my life. We held each other for an hour while I spilled my guts to her. I acknowledged her pain. I owned my selfishness and told her as much.
> 
> It has been 9 months to the day since D-Day (12/19/14) and not one single day has gone by where I don't think about how I have hurt the woman I love so deeply...Not...one...single...day.


Have your realized yet how much you have hurt yourself? Does she realize how much you've hurt yourself?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> Have your realized yet how much you have hurt yourself? Does she realize how much you've hurt yourself?


Being involved in all the therapy I've been in, yes. I've successfully damaged myself over the past 40 years to the point of "almost" being beyond repair. Hell, sometimes in therapy I don't even know who I am or if what I am saying is actually sincere and real as I've been living a lie for all these years. And yes...there have been moments over the past few months where it has been so dark that I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I have on many occasion cried myself to the point of exhaustion...completely spent and "cried out".

I just hope I end up liking the "real guy" I become once I peel back the years of fraud and deception. I hope he is a nice guy after all the effort I've been putting into myself and my marriage.

I hope this makes sense, but those of us with personality disorders often get good at putting up a "front" and over the years, we begin to believe that the "front" is the real us and not the other way around. In other words, we begin to believe the lie.

Don't know why I've been blessed with a woman willing to see it through with me, but I truly am blessed that she has chosen to stay. I'll make good on my promise to her...and I believe she knows that as well now.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MountainRunner said:


> Being involved in all the therapy I've been in, yes. I've successfully damaged myself over the past 40 years to the point of "almost" being beyond repair. Hell, sometimes in therapy I don't even know who I am or if what I am saying is actually sincere and real as I've been living a lie for all these years. And yes...there have been moments over the past few months where it has been so dark that I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I have on many occasion cried myself to the point of exhaustion...completely spent and "cried out".
> 
> *I just hope I end up liking the "real guy" I become once I peel back the years of fraud and deception. I hope he is a nice guy after all the effort I've been putting into myself and my marriage.*
> 
> ...


You will like the "real guy" that you find when all is said and done. I KNOW you will.

You want to know how I know?

Because it's the "real guy" inside of you who made the choice to face your demons and work for a change. That wasn't the front making that decision. It was the "real guy" speaking up for himself.

And the "real guy" who would do that is someone worthy of respect and love. I think you'll find the "real guy" inside is a pretty phenomenal person.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

terrence4159 said:


> There was one on here tears, I 100 % beleive she was remorseful and regretted it. But the others not so much.


EI and B1 plus several others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> I watched a video of a therapist that I thought summed it up pretty good. After talking to hundreds of cheaters, Almost all of them were sorry & remorseful about hurting there spouse & all the pain it caused, but none of them were sorry for the experience & excitement of having an affair.


"Cheating saved my marriage". 

"Despite all the pain it caused, I think I am a better person for the experience." 

"My affair, while painful, ended up bringing us closer together." 

"I shot my wife in the face, but her nose actually looks better now...."


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> EI and B1 plus several others.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't forget Pidge. 



Oh.....wait.....


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

MountainRunner said:


> I am a cheater and I am here to say that genuine remorse can and does exist within us. When D-Day arrived, I was clueless. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew that if my wife ever found out that it would hurt her. I knew that it would possibly be the end of our marriage. What I didn't understand at the time was the depth of the pain I had caused and all the wreckage I have created. Frankly, I am amazed that she decided to stay married to me. Looking back on it now after months of therapy, I have to be honest...I wasn't truly remorseful over what I had done. As I entered into very extensive therapy, as the layers of lies, deceit, self centeredness, were peeled back...It began hitting me....hard.
> 
> I remember one night after she finally took me back into our bedroom, we had just finished making love and I was looking at her face, caressing her and thinking how beautiful she is...and it hit me like a ton of bricks (I'm tearing up right now rethinking this)...and I sobbed like I never have before in my life. We held each other for an hour while I spilled my guts to her. I acknowledged her pain. I owned my selfishness and told her as much.
> 
> It has been 9 months to the day since D-Day (12/19/14) and not one single day has gone by where I don't think about how I have hurt the woman I love so deeply...Not...one...single...day.


yes i understand what you are saying but i would ask you . what would you do if your BS decided they needed a divorce how long would you stay "remorseful"? How long would you wait ?

i am reading about a number of members on another forum who have stated they would wait however long it took even if BS dated other people.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Jeffery said:


> yes i understand what you are saying but i would ask you . what would you do if your BS decided they needed a divorce how long would you stay "remorseful"? How long would you wait ?
> 
> i am reading about a number of members on another forum who have stated *they would wait however long it took even if BS dated other people*.


At this point, it's just self-flagellation. Paying penance for their sins. But for what? For whom, if the marriage is over? This sort of thing smells like keeping up appearances to me, more so than real remorse. "Look how sorry I am for what I did! I am throwing myself up on this cross, and still my partner won't forgive me! My partner is the one causing me pain, because she cannot forgive me, even when I'm making this huge sacrifice!"

Self-flagellation crosses into the realm of selfishness. It stops being about the actual remorse, and proving to/showing others just how remorseful one is. It's more about the performance art than it is for anything else.


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## whiteviper (Aug 8, 2015)

It's possible to be with someone without having strong connection. I know someone who had cheated and didn't have serious relationship for years after their divorce, even after the ex had gotten remarried. Finally she got a new guy but she still said that her ex was the one and that she still loves him. Straight out of Barry Manilow's Even Now. The new relationship is just to diminishes the loneliness i guess


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> Self-flagellation crosses into the realm of selfishness. It stops being about the actual remorse, and proving to/showing others just how remorseful one is. It's more about the performance art than it is for anything else.


This is a good thought but do you think it applies to all WS ?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

RTBPs wife. It was clearly tearing her apart. She outed herself to friends family and even the neighborhood.
The only one I am dead sure of in all my time here.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Jeffery said:


> This is a good thought but do you think it applies to all WS ?


To condemn oneself to purgatory (and making that declaration public) by waiting "forever" on a spurned lover who has moved on, is generally a pretty manipulative (selfish) move because it puts the BS on the spot. As an action, it's designed to make the BS look like the bad guy if the BS doesn't come back.

It's kind of like an over-the-top public proposal. When a guy does one of these big, public proposals, it puts the woman on the spot, where she feels obligated to say "yes." The guy could be a total a$$hole, he could be abusive, he could be an addict, but because he professes his love and desire to marry her in a public forum, SHE is the one who looks like a b!tch if she says "no," and everyone says, "Oh, that poor guy, she turned him down in front of all these people, what kind of person does that?" when they don't realize that he treats her like sh!t when no one is looking.

This vow to wait for her forever is kind of the same thing. It doesn't show that he's changed, or that he's learned from his mistakes. It doesn't prove anything to the BS. All it is, is a slightly bigger illusion to convince the larger world that he's a changed man, and that it's really the BS's fault when the BS decides not to buy into the farce. It's a manipulative, bully move.

I think that any WS who has REALLY learned from their transgressions should understand that grand gestures like this don't really mean anything, and if they truly want their BS back, the BS will only be won over by genuine actions and demonstrable change, and even that may not work if the BS has moved on. A WS who has really learned and is remorseful would recognize that perhaps the best thing for the BS is if the WS lets them go completely, and is supportive of the BS finding a new partner. 

There are exceptions to every rule, or so they say. But I would be extremely skeptical of anyone who says, "I will wait forever for him/her!" when that person had no problem going out and fvkcing other people when they were together.


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