# Spicing things up!



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

We've been married for 34 years and have a good sex life (2-3 times a week). My wife rarely says no to sex and we both enjoy each other a lot. Over the last year or so I've been wanting to explore new things, anal, role playing, talking dirty, some light bondage etc. Trouble is, the wife is pretty tepid about it. I usually get a "maybe" in response which to me is basically a no (just delayed). From my perspective, I would try whatever she wanted because it's her and I want to satisfy her. I want to try new things but am willing to work slowly if that's what it takes.

Has anyone else been in this same boat? What helped your partner want to explore? Or ladies, from a woman's perspective, what are the things you/women like that I might do for her? Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I do think that you need to have a heart to heart and ask her about the things that you would like to do and how she REALLY feels about them. Sounds to me as if she isnt that keen but says maybe so as not to hurt you. If she says no to any of the things, please just accept that and not pressure her in anyway as that could ruin the good marriage/sex life you have. 

Do you know why you have just wanted to do these things in the last year after such a long marriage? Could it be what you have seen in porn say? 

Sounds as if you have a good sex life, many men would be so happy to have that after such a long marriage, so just tread carefully. 

Personally there are things that I just wouldnt do such as anal sex, thankfully my husband is no more interested in that than I am. I am not a masochist so not a fan of pain. 
As for what your wife may like, impossible to say we are all different. She may just be happy with what you do now, its worked for 35 years and up till now you seemed happy with it.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Don't talk about it when sex is not on her mind. Slowly push boundaries when things are hot and heavy...you'll know by her reaction if she's on board or not.


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> My wife rarely says no to sex and we both *enjoy* each other a lot.


Mine is no doubt the minority opinion, but why do you want to "fix" what isn't broken? You say your relationship isn't broken, what caused you to think things needed to be "spiced" up? Talking to your friends, reading forums online, watching porn?
Travel this road gently or you may end up fouling up a good relationship. If you and your wife are both happy now, what is wrong with enjoying what you have. There are a bunch of threads you can read here about dead bedrooms and every other problem in the world, lots of people would love what you have now/


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I have nothing to add but following this thread for any good advice as our sex life is definitely in the "Cold to Moderately Frozen" category.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> We've been married for 34 years and have a good sex life (2-3 times a week). My wife rarely says no to sex and we both enjoy each other a lot. Over the last year or so I've been wanting to explore new things, anal, role playing, talking dirty, some light bondage etc. Trouble is, the wife is pretty tepid about it. I usually get a "maybe" in response which to me is basically a no (just delayed). From my perspective, I would try whatever she wanted because it's her and I want to satisfy her. I want to try new things but am willing to work slowly if that's what it takes.
> 
> Has anyone else been in this same boat? What helped your partner want to explore? Or ladies, from a woman's perspective, what are the things you/women like that I might do for her? Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated.


Read the link.

Many women want their husbands to be more dominant in bed. 

Some don't.

There's no real way to tell and asking ahead of time won't help you.

So, the only real answer is to just slowly start doing what you want and see what happens (although this doesn't work with anal. *That,* you'll have to ask about ahead of time).

What a woman says she wants when she's not aroused and what she wants when aroused can be completely different. Personally, I always wanted to weasel my way through things like this by telling her what I'd like and hoping she'd keep that in mind later during sex. Didn't work.

Just forging ahead for the last couple of years, I've gotten plenty of "that was hot" and "I liked the new thing". Our sex life is better than it's ever been. My wife agrees.

My wife says she doesn't like performing oral after PIV. I kind of suspect that if, in the heat of the moment, I pulled it out and put it in her mouth, she'd be fine with it (she might even say it was "Hot"). But some chances I'm not willing to take yet.

I'm not really comfortable with this. It would sure be a lot easier if women could tell you what they want in bed (assuming they even know) but it seems like the only way it works.









8 Clues That Your Wife Wants You To Be More Dominant In Bed And 9 Ways To Avoid Common Mistakes In Execution - Dr. Psych Mom


Many more women than men think secretly wish their husbands would take charge in bed (and out of bed). Here's how to navigate these waters.




www.drpsychmom.com


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

great advice from Buddy


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Changing the basic sexual dynamics is not something that can be forced for lack of a better word. So I think @Buddy400 and @manwithnoname are on point. Talking and discussing the desire to spice things up is fine, but a more organic approach is much more likely to be successful and will also be much more satisfying. As an example roleplaying when one partner is just kind of going through the motions will end up being something you might as well not even tried, though the willingness to try I'm sure is appreciated. For my wife and I spontaneity is the hottest spice, so we discuss different ideas we come up with and might work them in if the moment is right. But both of us prefer natural progression to forcing different things. 

Also for my wife reading erotic literature and occasionally watching porn keeps her sexual, creativity flowing. She had a hard time finding good erotic stories so I started writing for her. Since I know her so well, what words not to use (If a story has moist p (female genitalia) she is turned off), and I know what kinds of situations and characters will turn her on she really likes when I write a good short story. Usually my stories are 10-12 pages, I have written probably 2 dozen for her. That is something that really gets her juices flowing and allows me to work ideas into the stories I might like in a way that gets her excited about the idea without out me really saying hey you want to try x tonight. It plants a seed that will sprout when the time is right. Sometimes the idea she takes from a story isn't even the idea I intended but it all works in the end. 

After being together for many years, and having had sex with each other thousands of times keeping spontaneity and creativity going we feel is really important. And good sex begets more and better sex. Mediocre stale sex begets mediocre and stale sex. 

Communicate and verbalize ideas and desire but like the others said work it in when the time is right. And neither of you should be discouraged if a new idea ends up being a flop.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Have you talked to her about what she likes? I would say that would be a good way to explore. It might sound from her perspective as though she has to explore what you find exciting with you. That she feels pressured. Which doesn't feel exciting. If you have more mutual discussions about what you both like then you might have better luck. Sometimes it is in how you phrase it too - if you frame it as you wanting to continue to explore and grow together so she can find things as exciting as you do, rather than "spicing things up" which sounds a bit like you find her boring now and might turn her off the whole idea. Generally if you talk together about things you want to explore rather than having a list of things just you want, you might find her enthusiastic - that way your menu is a bit more collaborative and more fun. She feels like she has some choice and you get to find out things about what she likes.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I do think that you need to have a heart to heart and ask her about the things that you would like to do and how she REALLY feels about them. Sounds to me as if she isnt that keen but says maybe so as not to hurt you. If she says no to any of the things, please just accept that and not pressure her in anyway as that could ruin the good marriage/sex life you have.
> 
> Do you know why you have just wanted to do these things in the last year after such a long marriage? Could it be what you have seen in porn say?
> 
> ...


Thanks for the response. You may be right about her not wanting to hurt my feelings. I'm not a big watcher of porn so this doesn't originate from that. I've been wanting to to try new things and I see these urges as another expression/direction of our physical intimacy. These desires are directly related to her and her alone as someone who I can be vulnerable in front of, someone to whom I can express these desires. I think it is human nature to always want to explore and who better to explore intimate acts with than the person who knows you best, the person you've had an intimate life with. She may ultimately not want to explore new or different aspects of sex, but now that I think on it, I guess I see it as a way to know her desires more deeply and intimately. If that makes sense? I am happy and I realize not everyone is as lucky as I am to have an intimate partner for so long. Tread carefully is good advice...thanks!


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

manwithnoname said:


> Don't talk about it when sex is not on her mind. Slowly push boundaries when things are hot and heavy...you'll know by her reaction if she's on board or not.


Thanks for the response, I think this is a good idea, and I'll give it a try!


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Mine is no doubt the minority opinion, but why do you want to "fix" what isn't broken? You say your relationship isn't broken, what caused you to think things needed to be "spiced" up? Talking to your friends, reading forums online, watching porn?
> Travel this road gently or you may end up fouling up a good relationship. If you and your wife are both happy now, what is wrong with enjoying what you have. There are a bunch of threads you can read here about dead bedrooms and every other problem in the world, lots of people would love what you have now/


Thanks for the thoughtful response. I know I am lucky. Many friends of mine talk about dead relationships and its heartbreaking. I am happy and part of that is looking for new ways to explore to please us both.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> Have you talked to her about what she likes? I would say that would be a good way to explore. It might sound from her perspective as though she has to explore what you find exciting with you. That she feels pressured. Which doesn't feel exciting. If you have more mutual discussions about what you both like then you might have better luck. Sometimes it is in how you phrase it too - if you frame it as you wanting to continue to explore and grow together so she can find things as exciting as you do, rather than "spicing things up" which sounds a bit like you find her boring now and might turn her off the whole idea. Generally if you talk together about things you want to explore rather than having a list of things just you want, you might find her enthusiastic - that way your menu is a bit more collaborative and more fun. She feels like she has some choice and you get to find out things about what she likes.


It was probably a poor choice on my part to title this thread what I did. I've never phrased it to her that way because we do have good sex and frequently. I realize I'm coming across as a guy who wants his cake and to eat it too (so to speak)
She is a bit of an introvert so expressing her desires (at least to me) seems private to her. I do know from some of her responses that there are things she is interested in and I pay attention. I have told her about some of my fantasies but try hard to avoid the appearance of a "list." I'm more vocal than she is so my best option may be to STFU and observe. Thanks for your reply!


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## 10 minutes (Dec 30, 2020)

Ask for just one of your wishes for your birthday present. Say there’s nothing else you want. I find that women are more willing to go the extra mile when it’s for your own special occasion, as your birthday is all about you! I once asked for a certain new experience for my birthday that my wife had never tried, and now she wants to do it often.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

10 minutes said:


> Ask for just one of your wishes for your birthday present. Say there’s nothing else you want. I find that women are more willing to go the extra mile when it’s for your own special occasion, as your birthday is all about you! I once asked for a certain new experience for my birthday that my wife had never tried, and now she wants to do it often.


You're lucky. My only special occasion wish was I got to buy a high dollar glass of Scotch at a bar one year. Didn't even have sex this past birthday let alone get any wishes granted.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Buddy400 said:


> Read the link.


Some good reads at that link (for M and F). Thanks for posting it. 



joannacroc said:


> if you frame it as you wanting to continue to explore and grow together so she can find things as exciting as you do, rather than "spicing things up" which sounds a bit like you find her boring now and might turn her off the whole idea.


I think this post is really good advice (the whole thing, even though I only quoted some). 

I would also add that if you, OP, are kinda feeling bored or too routine about your sex life then your wife probably feels the same way. I see a lot of people talk about boring/routine sex. In my experience, it seems to be more men but its not just men.. yet it never seems to register with people that their partners might be feeling the same way. Just some food for thought.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

10 minutes said:


> Ask for just one of your wishes for your birthday present. Say there’s nothing else you want. I find that women are more willing to go the extra mile when it’s for your own special occasion, as your birthday is all about you! I once asked for a certain new experience for my birthday that my wife had never tried, and now she wants to do it often.


Not a bad idea! Thanks!


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Changing the basic sexual dynamics is not something that can be forced for lack of a better word. So I think @Buddy400 and @manwithnoname are on point. Talking and discussing the desire to spice things up is fine, but a more organic approach is much more likely to be successful and will also be much more satisfying. As an example roleplaying when one partner is just kind of going through the motions will end up being something you might as well not even tried, though the willingness to try I'm sure is appreciated. For my wife and I spontaneity is the hottest spice, so we discuss different ideas we come up with and might work them in if the moment is right. But both of us prefer natural progression to forcing different things.
> 
> Also for my wife reading erotic literature and occasionally watching porn keeps her sexual, creativity flowing. She had a hard time finding good erotic stories so I started writing for her. Since I know her so well, what words not to use (If a story has moist p (female genitalia) she is turned off), and I know what kinds of situations and characters will turn her on she really likes when I write a good short story. Usually my stories are 10-12 pages, I have written probably 2 dozen for her. That is something that really gets her juices flowing and allows me to work ideas into the stories I might like in a way that gets her excited about the idea without out me really saying hey you want to try x tonight. It plants a seed that will sprout when the time is right. Sometimes the idea she takes from a story isn't even the idea I intended but it all works in the end.
> 
> ...


Great post! Thanks for taking the time. I'm trying to get to the point where I pick up more on the nuances of her reponses. I'm not worried about flopping, I guess I'd expect it here and there. Funny you should mention writing as I do some of that for a living (not erotica lol) and the wife is a voracious reader. May be an avenue - thanks again!


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> We've been married for 34 years and have a good sex life (2-3 times a week). My wife rarely says no to sex and we both enjoy each other a lot. Over the last year or so I've been wanting to explore new things, anal, role playing, talking dirty, some light bondage etc. Trouble is, the wife is pretty tepid about it. I usually get a "maybe" in response which to me is basically a no (just delayed). From my perspective, I would try whatever she wanted because it's her and I want to satisfy her. I want to try new things but am willing to work slowly if that's what it takes.
> 
> Has anyone else been in this same boat? What helped your partner want to explore? Or ladies, from a woman's perspective, what are the things you/women like that I might do for her? Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated.


I am going to suggest that you find a play checklist that you two can use to help determine what you (collectively) want, are interested in, have done, and rate it all. I have one I commonly use. Feel free to PM me and I will give you a link.

Basically you both fill it out, then compare them and discuss what things you have in common, and what things that are low scored but are not hard limits.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

manwithnoname said:


> Don't talk about it when sex is not on her mind. Slowly push boundaries when things are hot and heavy...you'll know by her reaction if she's on board or not.


While acknowledging opinions can vary, this is not a path I recommend. When you are in the middle of a sexual high, you really aren't fully in your right mind, and might agree to something that you later regret. Agree to the limits and trials prior to any actual activity. However, with the first sentence, you defantly want to make sure you two are in a state of mind to be talking sex. Don't bring this up when you or her have things on your mind other than sex.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Mine is no doubt the minority opinion, but why do you want to "fix" what isn't broken? You say your relationship isn't broken, what caused you to think things needed to be "spiced" up? Talking to your friends, reading forums online, watching porn?


Think of it in the same way that many people think of their cars, especially the older types. They aren't broken but they love working on those cars, trying to improve them and tweek them. Not to mention that pretty much all advances are made by people thinking that "I can improve this". Why shouldn't marriage/relationships also be subject to improvement, despite being currently satisfying?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Changing the basic sexual dynamics is not something that can be forced for lack of a better word. So I think @Buddy400 and @manwithnoname are on point. Talking and discussing the desire to spice things up is fine, but a more organic approach is much more likely to be successful and will also be much more satisfying. As an example roleplaying when one partner is just kind of going through the motions will end up being something you might as well not even tried, though the willingness to try I'm sure is appreciated. For my wife and I spontaneity is the hottest spice, so we discuss different ideas we come up with and might work them in if the moment is right. But both of us prefer natural progression to forcing different things.
> 
> Also for my wife reading erotic literature and occasionally watching porn keeps her sexual, creativity flowing. She had a hard time finding good erotic stories so I started writing for her. Since I know her so well, what words not to use (If a story has moist p (female genitalia) she is turned off), and I know what kinds of situations and characters will turn her on she really likes when I write a good short story. Usually my stories are 10-12 pages, I have written probably 2 dozen for her. That is something that really gets her juices flowing and allows me to work ideas into the stories I might like in a way that gets her excited about the idea without out me really saying hey you want to try x tonight. It plants a seed that will sprout when the time is right. Sometimes the idea she takes from a story isn't even the idea I intended but it all works in the end.
> 
> ...


Do you "publish" your stories? Grommet's Plaza is a good place to do so. I've got one up there.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

maquiscat said:


> Do you "publish" your stories? Grommet's Plaza is a good place to do so. I've got one up there.


My wife is pushing me to. I might compile them and publish a book of short stories at some point. But first i'd have to do some serious proof reading and editing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Thanks for the response. You may be right about her not wanting to hurt my feelings. I'm not a big watcher of porn so this doesn't originate from that. I've been wanting to to try new things and I see these urges as another expression/direction of our physical intimacy. These desires are directly related to her and her alone as someone who I can be vulnerable in front of, someone to whom I can express these desires. I think it is human nature to always want to explore and who better to explore intimate acts with than the person who knows you best, the person you've had an intimate life with. She may ultimately not want to explore new or different aspects of sex, but now that I think on it, I guess I see it as a way to know her desires more deeply and intimately. If that makes sense? I am happy and I realize not everyone is as lucky as I am to have an intimate partner for so long. Tread carefully is good advice...thanks!


I appreciate that you describe wanting to put your urges into practise as a way of 'expressing your love and physical imtimacy,' but some may see some of the things you suggested as the opposite. For example the role play you want, is that you wanting her to pretend to be someone else? If so then she may think, well what is wrong with me being me? Is he tired of me? Doesn't he enjoy our sex life?
Anal sex, I appreciate that some do it, but for me that is far from a loving act that would express intimacy. Plus it can damage the anus long term and cause a lot of pain. Thankfully my husband has no interest in that whatsoever.
Being tied up, again I dont see that as loving or intimate, for me that leans a little towards forced sex, abuse and rape for my liking,(I know some would scoff at that but I dont care), so thats why I say tread carefully as you have a good marriage and good sex life, as we do too, and you could undermine that by suggesting these things and certainly by her seeing in anyway that you are pressuring her.
Sound her out gently, but if she seems unhappy about anything then leave it. As you know and I know, you can have a great and fullfilling sex life without those things. One important life lesson is to be thankful for what you do have and not always yearn for what you dont. .


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

maquiscat said:


> While acknowledging opinions can vary, this is not a path I recommend. When you are in the middle of a sexual high, you really aren't fully in your right mind, and might agree to something that you later regret. Agree to the limits and trials prior to any actual activity. However, with the first sentence, you defantly want to make sure you two are in a state of mind to be talking sex. Don't bring this up when you or her have things on your mind other than sex.


OP already tried bringing it up, and got a maybe. That's why I recommended "slowly" easing in to it so he can gauge the level of willingness and enthusiasm from his wife. If she regrets it and doesn't want to do it again, she'll tell him in the moment or later on.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> _*Over the last year or so I've been wanting to explore new things, anal, role playing, talking dirty, some light bondage etc. *_


May I assume you'll be the FIRST in line to try the anal sex you're badgering her about?

She can use a strap-on and then you can tell her how it was when she's done with you. Then, she can decide whether she'd like it done to her or not.

*



I've been wanting to to try new things and I see these urges as another expression/direction of our physical intimacy.

Click to expand...

*LOL. What a crock of crap this is. Own your ****. You want to fly your freak flag and try some new stuff. Stop with all this nonsense that you want to do it as an "expression of our physical intimacy." You sound like a Harlequin novel. 🤮


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> Think of it in the same way that many people think of their cars, especially the older types. They aren't broken but they love working on those cars, trying to improve them and tweek them. Not to mention that pretty much all advances are made by people thinking that "I can improve this". Why shouldn't marriage/relationships also be subject to improvement, despite being currently satisfying?


So he should see his wife and marriage like an old car?????


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> OP already tried bringing it up, and got a maybe. That's why I recommended "slowly" easing in to it so he can gauge the level of willingness and enthusiasm from his wife. If she regrets it and doesn't want to do it again, she'll tell him in the moment or later on.


I would say that a woman saying maybe usually means no but trying to let him down gently. .


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I would say that a woman saying maybe usually means no.


In my experience "maybe" always means "no" even with non-sexual things


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> So he should see his wife and marriage like an old car?????


I'm pretty sure that wasn't @maquiscat 's point.

🙂


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Disagree that role-playing is asking her to be someone else, anymore than she is asking OP to be someone else if he is exploring that together. If it's not to her or your liking, that's different, but in and of itself it doesn't necessarily mean you want someone else. She or OP could fulfill a fantasy while still being faithful to their spouse and explore it together. Think the advice to explore lists together is smart because you might find things out about your spouse that you didn't know and maybe you share some fantasies that you could explore. It puts things on a more even playing field and puts the emphasis back on both of you versus what you want and what you have to do in order to get it, which won't necessarily grow you both together.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> So he should see his wife and marriage like an old car?????


🍿 oh boy!


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> ...you might find things out about your spouse that you didn't know...


Excuse me, but after 34 years there are things the OP doesn't know about his partner? If so, seems the communication must have been somewhat lacking for a long time. Maybe the wife will be the one surprised to find "things" out about her husband when they have "the conversation" about "spicing things up". Not sure how that surprise will manifest. Maybe the reason the OP was asking how to propose these changes is because he knows his wife well enough to know the proposal won't be well received.

Words are impossible to retract once spoken, they echo forever. There is another thread on here where a wife blew up her marriage with a few poorly chosen words, "you are too old to have sex more often than I want to have it."

For us, 99% of sexual communication isn't verbal. Body movements, touching, rubbing, caresses, kissing, licking, sighs, groans, very few words. And after many years we know what we enjoy, and with some touching, caressing, whispering either of us can adjust the repertoire. No discussion needed.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> So he should see his wife and marriage like an old car?????


Way to miss the point. There are plenty of things out there, "not broken" as you put it, that that people try to improve upon.

Here's another example. If your budget isn't broken, then why try to improve it by increasing income or reducing expenses?

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

10 minutes said:


> Ask for just one of your wishes for your birthday present. Say there’s nothing else you want. I find that women are more willing to go the extra mile when it’s for your own special occasion, as your birthday is all about you! I once asked for a certain new experience for my birthday that my wife had never tried, and now she wants to do it often.


This is encouraging. I hope women read this.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> May I assume you'll be the FIRST in line to try the anal sex you're badgering her about?
> 
> She can use a strap-on and then you can tell her how it was when she's done with you. Then, she can decide whether she'd like it done to her or not.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the observation that I have some skills as a cheap romance novelist. It's a career I hadn't considered. As for anal, I haven't badgered her about that at all. In fact, I haven't even brought it up to her but expressed it here as one of the things I'd like to try. And yes, I understand the inevitable and obvious reverse of that. Tread lightly as many here have suggested...


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

The Mighty Fred said:


> This is encouraging. I hope women read this.


I think thats more fantasy than reality.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sex swing brother. Buy a sex swing. It will change your life.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Sex swing brother. Buy a sex swing. It will change your life.


You know, that aint a bad idea and something that might interest her. Thank you sir!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> You know, that aint a bad idea and something that might interest her. Thank you sir!


You can position her just so... It works well for optimum g-spot stimulation. You can hit it at angles impossible on the floor or bed.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

The Mighty Fred said:


> This is encouraging. I hope women read this.


Hooo Boy talk about your stereotypes. Look at the TAM pages there are plenty of women who aren't getting the sex they want from their man. Boring sex isn't a man's realm only.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Thanks for the observation that I have some skills as a cheap romance novelist. It's a career I hadn't considered. As for anal, I haven't badgered her about that at all. In fact, I haven't even brought it up to her but expressed it here as one of the things I'd like to try. And yes, I understand the inevitable and obvious reverse of that. Tread lightly as many here have suggested...


Which the reverse is funny because men's prostrate is stimulated by anal which is why anal sex among men is often pleasurable. Women don't have a prostrate so the pleasure is more elusive. A man might find a strap on fun because they can still orgasm.
There is nothing as powerful in a woman anus. However the pleasure nerves connected to the clitoral region are actually wide spread so women can find pleasure there as well but it isn't as easy as men. The clitorus has many more nerve endings than most other parts of a womens sexual experience so that is why clitoral orgasms are the most common. 
If you want a great orgasm try stimulating the most nerves all at one time so a vibrator on the clitoral region and a double penatration hang on.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> Sex swing brother. Buy a sex swing. It will change your life.


I have had two and find neither comfortable or workable. This is the topic that I started here at TAM on. Can you say which swing you have and 'how' it works so well for you. Is your wife really flexible?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> Way to miss the point. There are plenty of things out there, "not broken" as you put it, that that people try to improve upon.
> 
> Here's another example. If your budget isn't broken, then why try to improve it by increasing income or reducing expenses?
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


If we mentioning money, its true that some will never be happy no matter how much money they have, the same with some people with their sex lives.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> If we mentioning money, its true that some will never be happy no matter how much money they have, the same with some people with their sex lives.


So then you are not seeking any pay raises? Are do you claim your income broken?

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> Which the reverse is funny because men's prostrate is stimulated by anal which is why anal sex among men is often pleasurable. Women don't have a prostrate so the pleasure is more elusive. A man might find a strap on fun because they can still orgasm.
> There is nothing as powerful in a woman anus. However the pleasure nerves connected to the clitoral region are actually wide spread so women can find pleasure there as well but it isn't as easy as men. The clitorus has many more nerve endings than most other parts of a womens sexual experience so that is why clitoral orgasms are the most common.
> If you want a great orgasm try stimulating the most nerves all at one time so a vibrator on the clitoral region and a double penatration hang on.


I'd never write anal off for the reason you describe. If my wife wanted to strap on a (reasonably sized) dildo and go at me from behind, I'd do it if she got pleasure from it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> If my wife wanted to strap on a (reasonably sized) dildo and go at me from behind, I'd do it if she got pleasure from it.


Same, I mentioned it to her before since she did it (anal) for me and she wasn’t interested. I’m not interested enough for myself even though I know a guy who loves it (his wife uses her hand with a thick rubber glove).


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> Same, I mentioned it to her before since she did it (anal) for me and she wasn’t interested. I’m not interested enough for myself even though I know a guy who loves it (his wife uses her hand with a thick rubber glove).


I'm pretty much up for anything (minus adding another person to our sex life) and I also accept that certain things may flop or not be of interest. I think the key is to maintain an open mind and give it a try - especially with a partner who knows you and you can be at ease with.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Same here although I am much more adventurous than my wife. On the other hand, I’m quite happy doing the same thing over and over as well.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> Same here although I am much more adventurous than my wife.


I have a feeling many husbands might say the same thing if asked. I have a feeling they'd be wrong. 

Womens desires/fantasies or ideas for adventures might different than mens, doesn't mean they're non-existant.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So Married said:


> Womens desires/fantasies or ideas for adventures might different than mens, doesn't mean they're non-existant


Maybe. I haven’t been able to get her to do one of those “yes/no/maybe” quizzes but have run through some stuff verbally and she was a no to all of it. Then again I wasn’t bringing up stuff like her banging other guys while I watched crying in a corner.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> So then you are not seeking any pay raises? Are do you claim your income broken?
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


As I said some will never be happy no matter how good their income is. No matter how rich they are. The OP has a great marriage and sex life, yet he is willing to put that at risk for some of his fantasies, not hers, his. We have seen here time and time again how going along with mainly the husbands fantasies have ruined marriages. How hurt the wife ended up, how what they had was lost.
I wish people would be more thankful and content with what they have, more caring about their spouse than themselves.

We have 2 men here right now who have posted in the last couple of weeks or so who say they love their wives, who have frequent sex with a willing wife yet for who its not enough. They want more and more, and when they have that they will still want more and more.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> I'd never write anal off for the reason you describe. If my wife wanted to strap on a (reasonably sized) dildo and go at me from behind, I'd do it if she got pleasure from it.


Do you enjoy pain?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> As I said some will never be happy no matter how good their income is. No matter how rich they are. The OP has a great marriage and sex life, yet he is willing to put that at risk for some of his fantasies, not hers, his. We have seen here time and time again how going along with mainly the husbands fantasies have ruined marriages. How hurt the wife ended up, how what they had was lost.
> I wish people would be more thankful and content with what they have, more caring about their spouse than themselves.
> 
> We have 2 men here right now who have posted in the last couple of weeks or so who love their wives, who have frequent sex with a willing wife yet for who its not enough. They want more and more, and when they have that they will still want more and more.


You are missing the whole point. You initially put out that if something is not broken don't fix it. You seem to fail to concept that most people, yourself included I'm willing to bet, have plenty in their lives that they are satisfied with where it is, yet they will still work to improve it. So why doesn't your concept work there? Why shouldn't they seek to improve their sex lives? What makes sex the "if it's not broke don't fix it" situation, but you never hear anyone say about their income, "if it's not broke don't fix it" when thinking about asking for a raise or taking a better paying job? Or is there, in your opinion, a situation wherein a spouse can seek to improve their sex life, and if so, how? Mind you this is from a "we already have a good sex life" position.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> We have 2 men here right now who have posted in the last couple of weeks or so who love their wives, who have frequent sex with a willing wife yet for who its not enough. They want more and more, and when they have that they will still want more and more.


is this a surprise. 
Sex is great.
but even great plain vanilla sex gets boring after a while. at least for some people. 
And that is not directed at men only, PLENTY of women have the exact same issues with boredom.

the big trick is to spice things up with your spouse, instead of going looking elsewhere. In such matters, often on partner is bored and wants more, but the other partner is fine and does not understand. Then four years later the roles switch....


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## 347055 (Nov 7, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> In such matters, often on partner is bored and wants more, but the* other partner is fine and does not understand*. *Then four years later the roles switch....*


So would think after four years+-, a light would go on and BOTH partners would understand one another. Unfortunately humans are self-centered enough that unless things are going exactly as both want it then someone isn't satisfied and pushing for change.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> is this a surprise.
> Sex is great.
> but even great plain vanilla sex gets boring after a while. at least for some people.
> And that is not directed at men only, PLENTY of women have the exact same issues with boredom.
> ...


I have often pointed out that if you go to local BDSM munch groups, you will often find monogamous couples. It's so sad how many people think that "spicing things up" somehow automatically means bringing in other people.

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> Excuse me, but after 34 years there are things the OP doesn't know about his partner? If so, seems the communication must have been somewhat lacking for a long time.


It's ironic that you suggest the OP has communication problems, when you then go on to encourage the OP to not communicate with his wife, the desires he wishes to share with her. Then go on to imply that a lack of verbal communication with you wife about sex is some sort of communication pinnacle.

That said unless your wife is stored in some freezer somewhere, I can assure you that she has changed through the years you have known her. So one can be in a long marital relationship and still enjoy sharing discovery and change with ones spouse.



> Maybe the wife will be the one surprised to find "things" out about her husband when they have "the conversation" about "spicing things up". Not sure how that surprise will manifest. Maybe the reason the OP was asking how to propose these changes is because he knows his wife well enough to know the proposal won't be well received.


@FlaviusMaximus is pretty clear that he is looking for advice, from those who have gone down the path he hopes to explore. So that he may feel more confident in himself to express his desires with his wife, in the hope that she may share that journey with him.

He isn't asking how to maintain the status quo, he is asking how people introduce new sexual experiences, throughout their long term sexual relationships.

Since you feel it is best not to bring up such things, and have no inclination to talk about such things with your own wife anyway. You clearly have no experience of what the OP is asking for.

People who fix bayonets and go for the objective, are more likely to seize it. Compared to those who cower behind the mine tape unwilling to advance for fear of failure.

The reality is that the people who get to share a splendidly rich variety of sexual pleasures. Get to enjoy such things, because they are the kind of people who are not afraid to verbalise their desires. The people who don't speak up and express such desires, simply don't experience as rich a variety as those who do.

If you settle for less, you are sure to get less.

If you want more, you need to take the initiative and push forward.



> Words are impossible to retract once spoken, they echo forever. There is another thread on here where a wife blew up her marriage with a few poorly chosen words, "you are too old to have sex more often than I want to have it."


If people find themselves in marital relationships, where it is best that they do not share with their spouse what they desire or how they feel honestly. Then they aren't in a great relationship to begin with. And if they think they are in a great relationship, yet feel compelled to avoid such honesty. Then their great relationship is nothing more than a shallow illusion.



> For us, 99% of sexual communication isn't verbal. Body movements, touching, rubbing, caresses, kissing, licking, sighs, groans, very few words. And after many years we know what we enjoy, and with some touching, caressing, whispering either of us can adjust the repertoire. No discussion needed.


Congratulations on almost never talking about sex with your wife.

Given that, am I right to presume that the sex life you share with your wife is fairly limited in terms of variety and seldom changes at all?

I mean if no discussion is needed, can you share with the OP. How you or your wife introduced anal sex to your marital repertoire without any talk about it. I mean did you just push it your wife's behind without warning because no discussion is needed?

At the end of the day since neither you or your wife can literally read each others minds. Neither of you can possibly know all of what you both desire sexually if you both keep it in your heads and fail to ever verbalise it.

So your eschewing verbal communication, actually isn't the better path to marital sexual communication.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Do you enjoy pain?


My wife and I certainly don't enjoy pain, yet we enjoy lots of anal sex because it doesn't hurt.

If you're doing anal sex right it shouldn't hurt. If it does hurt, that's natures way of telling you that you're doing it wrong.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Personal said:


> My wife and I certainly don't enjoy pain, yet we enjoy lots of anal sex because it doesn't hurt.
> 
> If you're doing anal sex right it shouldn't hurt. If it does hurt, that's natures way of telling you that you're doing it wrong.


This.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Has anyone else been in this same boat? What helped your partner want to explore? Or ladies, from a woman's perspective, what are the things you/women like that I might do for her? Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated.


I don't think it's ever too late to share and explore new sexual things with a long term partner. Introducing new sexual things, can bring renewed enthusiasm and excitement to longstanding sexual relationships. Being vulnerable, by sharing what may see rejection, is also a way of expressing confidence and derring-do that is sexually attractive and can bring great sexual reward.

The other thing that is also worth appreciating is that being reticent, and thinking the worst. Won't necessarily protect you from a dead bedroom either. So why not be more bold and seize the day, while it remains?

Good luck whatever you do.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> I'd never write anal off for the reason you describe. If my wife wanted to strap on a (reasonably sized) dildo and go at me from behind, I'd do it if she got pleasure from it.


I can't imagine your wife getting pleasure out of a strap on for you.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> I can't imagine your wife getting pleasure out of a strap on for you.


ok


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> I can't imagine your wife getting pleasure out of a strap on for you.


Your lack of imagination means nothing to the pleasure women can derive. Starting with the simplest, there are strapons out there designed to stimulate the wearer as well. So physical pleasure is possible as well. She may, as many partners do, dervive pleasure from his pleasure. There actually are such selfless people in the world within the area off sex. Finally, she might find pleasure and enjoyment in holding the dominant rolls, in the control.of the situation.

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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> Then again I wasn’t bringing up stuff like her banging other guys while I watched crying in a corner.


Ouch!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So Married said:


> Ouch!


She didn’t do that but some people are into it apparently. There is a whole “****“ alternatively “cuckquean” think where people do it on purpose. So I have never talked with my wife about that because I have zero interest in either of us doing it.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> As I said some will never be happy no matter how good their income is. No matter how rich they are. The OP has a great marriage and sex life, yet he is willing to put that at risk for some of his fantasies, not hers, his. We have seen here time and time again how going along with mainly the husbands fantasies have ruined marriages. How hurt the wife ended up, how what they had was lost.
> I wish people would be more thankful and content with what they have, more caring about their spouse than themselves.
> 
> We have 2 men here right now who have posted in the last couple of weeks or so who say they love their wives, who have frequent sex with a willing wife yet for who its not enough. They want more and more, and when they have that they will still want more and more.


Willing to risk my marriage? That's quite a leap. My marriage can take bringing up a few fantasies I'd like to pursue. Obviously I am not risking a happy marriage over this. My wife is perfectly able to say no or yes. My preference would be that she try things first and decide. I'll be perfectly clear here, I'd like her to indulge some of my fantasies (she might like them if she tried them, she might not) and I understand that I would be obliged to return the favor if she wanted. Our marriage is not threatened by this.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Willing to risk my marriage? That's quite a leap. My marriage can take bringing up a few fantasies I'd like to pursue. Obviously I am not risking a happy marriage over this. My wife is perfectly able to say no or yes. My preference would be that she try things first and decide. I'll be perfectly clear here, I'd like her to indulge some of my fantasies (she might like them if she tried them, she might not) and I understand that I would be obliged to return the favor if she wanted. Our marriage is not threatened by this.


If you have an honest discussion with your wife or go through checklists together as someone else her recommended, that could be a good start? I would honestly move well away from your just having a list of things you want to try like a bucket list? I'm sure that's not how you have presented it to her or would approach it with her, but I'm just saying if a partner came to me with a list of things they want, that might feel overwhelming and a bit demanding versus start with 1 thing you'd like to try or go over an extensive list with BOTH of you filling it out independently then swapping and seeing where you guys might have some common interests you want to explore together? Does that make sense? Be ok with the fact that there will be some things she will not want to try that you want, and there may be things she wants to try that you aren't comfortable with.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> If you have an honest discussion with your wife or go through checklists together as someone else her recommended, that could be a good start? I would honestly move well away from your just having a list of things you want to try like a bucket list? I'm sure that's not how you have presented it to her or would approach it with her, but I'm just saying if a partner came to me with a list of things they want, that might feel overwhelming and a bit demanding versus start with 1 thing you'd like to try or go over an extensive list with BOTH of you filling it out independently then swapping and seeing where you guys might have some common interests you want to explore together? Does that make sense? Be ok with the fact that there will be some things she will not want to try that you want, and there may be things she wants to try that you aren't comfortable with.


All of your post makes sense. I think in the course of posting these questions and responses it's hard to anticipate every question so the initial post misses some details. I've brought up a few things to her and gotten no or maybes, never as a list. I haven't or wouldn't nag her. Sometimes I suggest in the "heat of the moment" during sex or just when we're talking. For the maybes I give her some time but I return to them after a while. 
To be fair as an example, she is cool with sex outside (we hike a lot) usually with the idea we'll have sex just off the trail (the possibility of getting caught I think is a turn on for her). I appreciate that and enjoy it also, just looking to expand. Thanks for your perspective, I appreciate it!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

The sex outside and in public places sounds really hot but the fear of getting caught, arrested and put in a sex offenders list has scared my wife away from it for good. We live in Florida and they are really bad about enforcing those laws. Couple here just got convicted for sex on a beach and they could face a few years in prison! Yikes!


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> The sex outside and in public places sounds really hot but the fear of getting caught, arrested and put in a sex offenders list has scared my wife away from it for good. We live in Florida and they are really bad about enforcing those laws. Couple here just got convicted for sex on a beach and they could face a few years in prison! Yikes!


There's more in the way of places to be discreet where we go but you're correct, here it is considered public indecency and while a first offense is almost always knocked down to a misdemeanor, a repeated offense can land you in the slammer.


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