# Absent Bio mom wants mothers day



## M&M214 (Jan 27, 2015)

I feel like I am so emotional right now and I could use some advice. I met my husband​ and his son when he was 17 mo old. I fell in love with both of then very quickly I started helping by baby sitting the week we meet I would watch him when day care couldn't then I started picking him up from daycare when i got off work and spending time with him until his papa or daddy got off work. With in 3 months of meeting we lived together as a family for over a year and I consider him my son. His biological mother has been absent she has only seen him a handful of times in more than a year. and most of those visits have been under an hour in the DCFS office with a social worker present. She has a pain pill addiction and has been arrested several times for arson, assault, purposely causing a car accident to get prescriptions. She even went as low as taking all of our babies pain meds after he had his tubes replaced and his adenoids removed a year ago. that was the last time she has really seen him every visit after that has been supervised. Despite going through treatment to help her with her pain pill addiction she still tested positive for drugs on her last test in April. We still let her see him since it was only a one hour visit at Mcdonalds. and she hadn't seen him since August for 30 min. He was good with her but he treated her just like he treats everyone else we are around. He made it clear that I was his mom. I know I have only been in his life for 15 months but that is nearly half his life. But hear is where I am torn. She wants to see him on Mothers Day. To this point we have cooperated with all of the visits we have arrived on time and waited for her because she was late. I don't ever want to be the reason a child does not see their mother. But I honestly don't think she has been a mother and I don't think he even remembers her. I am a very good mom to him. and I don't feel like she should swoop in and take a holiday she doesn't deserve. I will honestly tell you that I am not really being fair. My ex husband will have my children on Mothers day. And that does not bother me. he supports his kids and Mothers day just happens to fall on his weekend. I could take them because holidays take priority over weekends. But where he is concerned I don't want to take his weekend for a holiday. He works out of town and doesn't get to see the kids as much as he would like. and I don't want to keep them from him. I would appreciate your honest opinion about my attitude. Why am I ok with sharing my kids with their dad but don't want to share my step son with his mother? Do you think we should grant her this visit? Why or why not?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I know it will be hard, but yes, I'd grant her the visit. Will it only be for an hour?


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## M&M214 (Jan 27, 2015)

Since all her visits are court ordered to be supervised the time limit is based on whoever is supervising the visit. DCFS use to supervise the visits but since she missed some of the scheduled visits and was late to all the others and she kept getting in trouble. they closed the reunification possess in their office and left it up to my husband, me, and his dad. his dad refuses to be near her since she tried to attack me while I was holding the baby and he had to stop her. My husband will be working so that leaves me to supervise the visit. and I think an hour is all I could handle.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she has court-ordered visitation, I'd comply with the court order and I wouldn't add anything to it. I'd also sever any and all parental rights as rapidly as humanly possible. She isn't this child's mother. You are. This woman stole medicine from your child. She was an incubator. The woman who loves the child, cares for the child, provides for the child is the child's mother. The one who steals from the child and who prefers drugs to the child is someone to protect the child from.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

M&M214 said:


> Since all her visits are court ordered to be supervised the time limit is based on whoever is supervising the visit. DCFS use to supervise the visits but since she missed some of the scheduled visits and was late to all the others and she kept getting in trouble. they closed the reunification possess in their office and left it up to my husband, me, and his dad. his dad refuses to be near her since she tried to attack me while I was holding the baby and he had to stop her. My husband will be working so that leaves me to supervise the visit. and I think an hour is all I could handle.


I think you should allow the visit too, but for heaven's sake don't go alone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does she have visitation rights? Or is your ex just allowing this?

Sadly I think you have to do the visit.

What time does your husband get off work? It would really be best is he was there. Could it be done on Saturday or Monday? 

How does this woman treat and interact with you? Does she give you a hard time?

What concerns me about your post is that you are so invested in this boy. You feel like you are his mother. In all ways except legally and biologically you are. But those two things are extremely important.

Is your husband considering seeing if you can legally adopt the child? Seriously, it is not only for your protection but for the child's protection. Right now if something happened to your husband, you would be very unlikely to get custody of him... no matter how much you have cared for him.


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## M&M214 (Jan 27, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> If she has court-ordered visitation, I'd comply with the court order and I wouldn't add anything to it. I'd also sever any and all parental rights as rapidly as humanly possible. She isn't this child's mother. You are. This woman stole medicine from your child. She was an incubator. The woman who loves the child, cares for the child, provides for the child is the child's mother. The one who steals from the child and who prefers drugs to the child is someone to protect the child from.


The child welfare case states that the fathers can require her to submit to a urinalysis drug test before any visit. and that her parent time should go by the divorce decree 
The divorce papers say that parent time shall be supervised. but when she has proven that she is clean, drug-free and off pain pills she should have parent time according to the state of Utah Guidelines.


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## M&M214 (Jan 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Does she have visitation rights? Or is your ex just allowing this?
> 
> Sadly I think you have to do the visit.
> 
> ...


I would say he just allowed the visit in April because she did not pass her drug test. And he still let her see him. 

In May 2014 when we met she said she was going to kill me (I'm pretty sure that was the boos talking I didn't feel like my life was in real danger) then after that she was not allowed near me her visits in June, July, and Aug. were supervised by social workers I would be in the play room with him while we waited for her to show then a social worker would take him from my room to her room for the rest of the visit. She was nice to me in April the last time we saw each other she even thanked me for letting her see him. 

I am very worried that something could happen to my husband and I would loose both of them so we are looking into me legally adopting him


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

M&M214 said:


> Since all her visits are court ordered to be supervised the time limit is based on whoever is supervising the visit. DCFS use to supervise the visits but since she missed some of the scheduled visits and was late to all the others and she kept getting in trouble. they closed the reunification possess in their office and left it up to my husband, me, and his dad. his dad refuses to be near her since she tried to attack me while I was holding the baby and he had to stop her. My husband will be working so that leaves me to supervise the visit. and I think an hour is all I could handle.





M&M214 said:


> The child welfare case states that the fathers can require her to submit to a urinalysis drug test before any visit. and that her parent time should go by the divorce decree
> The divorce papers say that parent time shall be supervised. but when she has proven that she is clean, drug-free and off pain pills she should have parent time according to the state of Utah Guidelines.


I personal,y think you're nuts to consider supervising a visit with this woman on your own. This is asking for big trouble.

Follow the visitation schedule and mandates ordered by the court. Tell her she has to provide a drug screening proving she is clean and sober and she herself has to contact DSS to ask for a supervised visit.

Your feelings are irrelevant. She poses a danger to the child. Do not do this.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Unless it's a court ordered requirement, don't allow it, at least not on Mother's Day. She doesn't deserve it. Compromise though and let her see him Saturday - IF your husband is there to supervise.

Do NOT supervise the visit alone. It's not your job, it's your husband's, if he's working too bad, she'll have to see the child another day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

M&M214 said:


> I would say he just allowed the visit in April because she did not pass her drug test. And he still let her see him.
> 
> In May 2014 when we met she said she was going to kill me (I'm pretty sure that was the boos talking I didn't feel like my life was in real danger) then after that she was not allowed near me her visits in June, July, and Aug. were supervised by social workers I would be in the play room with him while we waited for her to show then a social worker would take him from my room to her room for the rest of the visit. She was nice to me in April the last time we saw each other she even thanked me for letting her see him.
> 
> I am very worried that something could happen to my husband and I would loose both of them so we are looking into me legally adopting him


Ok, this info changes things a LOT.

Let your husband handle this. You should not be supervising the visits on your own. You have zero authority and zero rights. She could legally take the boy and you could not do anything about it. Your husband would then need to call the police and even right in court. 

since he has let her see the boy after failing drugs tests and is not requiring one now she has every right to argue that he really does not care about these things.

And I don't think it's safe for you or your stepson.

Unfortunately you did not give us some of the most important information until now.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Fails a drug test not even a month ago and threatened the real mother of the child with murder. This is the life form that wants to show up in the role of mother on Mother's Day? What does a person have to do to prove they are an unfit parent?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Fails a drug test not even a month ago and threatened the real mother of the child with murder. This is the life form that wants to show up in the role of mother on Mother's Day? What does a person have to do to prove they are an unfit parent?


Apparently the father is allowing this.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

OP, 

It seems like your husband bends the rules for his ex-W to see their son. I agree with the others, that you should not be the one handling the visitation. If your husband isn't available, then they need to work something else out. Stay out of that equation for your own sanity.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't think it's safe for you to go alone. Just because she was nice once doesn't mean she won't snap. 

Let me add, the father AND you set a precedence that will be difficult to undo should it continue. NOT requiring a drug test or allowing visits like this will make it difficult in court. I get it that he's trying to be nice, but it's not safe for either of you, could result in parental kidnapping and gives her ammunition.

You won't be allowed to adopt without her giving up her rights. I doubt she will do that. Which means the courts will have to REVOKE her rights. Allowing her to visit without the required testing and appropriate visitation will only support her cause, not yours. However, if she continues to have positive drug tests, then you have more ammunition for the courts to revoke her parental rights. Then you can certainly adopt him.

This story has heartache written all over it. For all parties.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Apparently the father is allowing this.


The father has exhibited very questionable judgement, himself. He's the one who thought this drug addicted bat would make suitable mothering material.


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