# help



## taral816 (Dec 1, 2007)

I recently found out my husband of 10 years had an affair with my neighbor. when will all these horrible feelings go away and when will every song place or thought stop making me think about it? He told me about the affair he said because he wanted it to end and realized what he needed he already had. I do feel we can make it work but it's impossible when I can't stop thinking about what he did.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If it is a matter of when will the feeling of anger going away?

When you feel you can trust him again. Because he was honest enough to tell you about the affair says much about him. I think the next logical step is for him to life his life like an open book for a matter of time. That will show you (again) that you can trust him. Until you can trust him it will hurt.

COunciling might be a big help for the both of you as well, during tough times most people can not communicate well and councilors can often show you how to communicate. One method used is the 5 minutes a day scream only for 5 minutes a day can you vent, yell etc. It is controlled therefore doesn't go down hill like an argument would.

draconis


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## Soulhavoc (Dec 2, 2007)

It is likely you will be reminded often by the things you named. And with time, different for each individual, those things will eventually fade into the background. There may always be a sight or sound that may remind you of what happened. But on day 1 that sight or sound may bring you full heartbreak all over again, while by day 365 you might only suffer a quick jaw clenching while the thought passes by instead of lingering like it used to. 

There is no doubt from your post that you love him so try to realize that you would likely have these thoughts had you walked away the day you found out. To his credit you say he told you about the affair which indicates that he was suffering a good bit of guilt for doing something he knew would hurt you badly. I agree with Draconis, some counseling through this may very much give you some security and support that you will need to get you through this and attempt to bring things back to where they were before this happened.


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## hoggwild (Dec 2, 2007)

(((taral816)))

Oh, hon. I know how you feel.  My husband and I are 9 months post-affair right now -- while he strayed with 3 women, the other two were one-night stands; his 7 week affair was with a woman that lives two blocks from us.

*How recently did your husband tell you about his affair?*



> He told me about the affair he said because he wanted it to end


*Has he in fact ended his affair with her?* Has he notified the other person that he is ending the affair? This, I think, is crucial for you to begin healing. *Has he ended all contact with the other person?*



> when will all these horrible feelings go away


This differs based on the individual person and the circumstances involved. Many liken the pain associated with infidelity to that of the death of a family member or close friend. You will most likely experience the same stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Don't be surprised if you pass back and forth between some of the stages, especially anger and depression, before you move into the acceptance stage.

I've seen various statistics on the length of time it takes to recover emotionally from an affair, but the numbers I see coming up over and over again is two to five years. I was overwhelmed by this at first, but having reached 9 months out I can see how this is pretty realistic.

*What is your husband doing to help you heal?*

This, I think is key -- he needs to help you heal from this if your marriage survives this ordeal as a healthy relationship. 

While his guilt over what he was doing may have led to his confession to you, is he demonstrating true remorse over his actions? There is a difference, I think, between guilt and remorse.

*Are the two of you in marriage counseling?*

Infidelity is a difficult hurdle to overcome, and I personally don't see how anyone does it successfully without professional help. Our marriage counselor has been a lifesaver, and I don't think we could have made the progress we've made without her.

(((hugs))) Keep posting. There are others that both empathize and sympathize with you. And, feel free to PM me anytime.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

taral816 said:


> I recently found out my husband of 10 years had an affair with my neighbor. when will all these horrible feelings go away and when will every song place or thought stop making me think about it? He told me about the affair he said because he wanted it to end and realized what he needed he already had. I do feel we can make it work but it's impossible when I can't stop thinking about what he did.


My heart goes out to you.

The feelings you are having now may open up other issues for you that haven't been dealt with before. Often, the lack of control or influence can be a bigger, and longer lasting, issues. For many, there is no recovery from an infidelity so close to home, especially if the other party, the neighbor, is still living nearby. It would be superhuman to be able to cope with the proximity issues.

Don't keep expecting so much from yourself. It is perfectly honorable to respect yourself first and leave the situation. Life is too short to continue your suffering without addressing it on practical levels.


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## never2L8 (Jan 9, 2012)

I just found out that my husband had a one time PA and a 6 month EA. I can no longer listen to the music I used to love. Driving through town makes me cry for all that I have lost. I can't think of kissing him without thinking of her kissing him. He was my first boyfriend, which means I have never been with anyone else in any way. He had an affair with an ex girlfriend from college. I am dying inside.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You can't recover alone. Get some counseling individually, and together as a couple. And kudos to your husband for confessing and choosing you. Yes, he's going to have that label of "Cheater" with him for life now, but he obviously wants to rebuild the trust to 99.999%. The 100% is gone. We cheaters do that.

You can also try reading this book that I've seen recommended here: http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174

Consider yourself lucky that he confessed, and chose you. Yeah, I know lucky doesn't sound right. But other outcomes are much worse.

Good luck


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Contact the neighbor's husband or boyfriend. This is essential that you do this and expose the affair to them. If you do not then you are sending a message to the OW that it is acceptable to screw your husband without worry about any consequences from you.
2. Make sure your husband and yourself get tested for STD's.
Good luck.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

bryanp said:


> 1. Contact the neighbor's husband or boyfriend. This is essential that you do this and expose the affair to them. If you do not then you are sending a message to the OW that it is acceptable to screw your husband without worry about any consequences from you.
> 2. Make sure your husband and yourself get tested for STD's.
> Good luck.


Absolutely. The OW's guy deserves to know too.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Look at the dates carefully. This is an old thread with a new victim.


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## LostCPA (Apr 15, 2011)

Dellia said:


> Absolutely. The OW's guy deserves to know too.


Unfortunately, I have lived this nightmare. My stbXw had an affair with our neighbor until I caught her. I am sorry for your pain, but there are several things that you need to do to end this affair if you have any thoughts of trying to recover your marriage.

1.	You need to tell neighbor’s wife as you have been told above.
2.	Your WH needs to establish No Contact with his affair partner. That is hard when they live next door. So, as hard as this sounds, either you and your WH need to move or the neighbors need to move. I didn’t think this was important, so we tried to skip this step. What happened was that every time the affair partners saw each other in passing, they were taken back to the fantasy high of their affair and eventual they started sleeping together again. That is why I am soon to be divorced.
3.	You need to establish clear boundaries of what is acceptable to you if your spouse wants to recover the marriage. Anything short of total compliance to your requirements would send me straight to divorce. I know he may have a few slip ups here and there, but he needs to be committed to making you feel safe and he must be honest when he is tempted or when he falls short. For example, he agrees to NC with his AP and he runs into her on the street. He needs to immediately tell you that he saw her and then he needs to do whatever is necessary to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Don’t be afraid to be firm with him. I was afraid to push too hard for fear of pushing her further away. What I actually did was create an environment where she was able to take the affair further underground. Your marriage can’t begin to heal until the affair is completely over, so the most important thing you can do is fight to kill this affair. Exposure to the OM’s spouse and your husband’s family is step one and complete NC is step 2.


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