# Infidelity on both sides.. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️



## Steffieloo7 (9 mo ago)

So, my husband and I have been together 19 years, married 18. Have three amazing boys.

Our relationship hasn’t been rainbows and butterflies and it has been dreadful at times. About 5 years in, I began talking to a friend of his. He hyped me up, told me how gorgeous I was and I ran with it. 

We talked only for about 3-4 weeks before we both decided we were making a huge mistake. Cut it off completely! Keep in mind, we were never intimate, never met face to face. Only talked via MySpace. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hubby asked me if anything was going on, I admitted it and told him it was over and that was that. I had realized what a huge mistake I had made. 

That was in maybe 2008/2009. Fast forward to 2019. I started seeing warning signs. Red flags, if you must. My husband is a teacher, you see and my kids would see things at school and come and report to me. My middle son came home one day and told me his dad was buying a female coworker lunch.. I asked him, he said all teachers gave him money and he went and bought it with his debit card and kept the cash. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Then I asked my husband why he was so late from work everyday. 

My son told me that he was walking down to her room and waiting on her to walk out everyday. A little back story, I was raised by a cheater. My step dad had a new woman every month when I was growing up. I know what to look for. So then my husband gets a cellphone off of our plan. Big red flag. I could no longer see who he was calling or texting if I checked it. I suspected someone and I asked her and she said, oh no, I would never with a married man. Turns out she was. Here comes October 2019, he tells me he is unhappy and we need a break. Apparently, I *****ed too much. Great! 

He moves into his parents house but comes to my house everyday to “talk” which didn’t result in much talking. More, me crying and him being cold and disconnected. He was so angry with me during this separation. So angry. I cannot figure out why. I cried and begged and pleaded with him to stay and save this thing we call love. He said no, he didn’t love me anymore, he wasn’t happy with me. That broke every part of me. I mourned him like I had lost a parent. Only worse because he was still there. I had to deal with the loss with him still being there. I cried and begged for months. Probably 4-5 months. That was when I realized he really didn’t love me. Until one day, I woke up and that was it. 

I was tired of the ******** and the games and I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I cut off any intimacy, I didn’t cry, I didn’t want him! I was finally okay. He had gotten an apartment, he hated me enough to not want anything to do with me. I remember thanking god that he finally left me alone. I was happy, I was living, I spent so much time with my kids while he was gone. It felt good. He would occasionally call and whine to me about child support and how I’m taking too much. But I was over it. Then after about 6-7 months of separation, he came back asking me to forgive him. He said he made a huge mistake and he still loved me and it took us being apart to realize how important it was. 

I wasn’t with the ******** so I didn’t acknowledge it for a while. Eventually, I let him come back because obviously, I’m my mothers child. He came back, pledged his love to me, the same as he had done at the courthouse many years prior. I forgave him and things have been great. He has been attentive and loving and just good. Better than he ever was before. Then like a week ago we were arguing and I asked him if he had had a relationship with her. He denied and so I said I had seen their conversations. I hadn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ He then told me he never meant to like her and he never meant for anything to happen. He swears that they never got physical, only talked. He does work with her and her room is right next to his so that’s an issue for me. 

He had changed job locations this school year and he said he did it to get away from her. She followed him. Now I’m struggling to get the image of the two of them out of my head. I feel disrespected and gross. But do I even have a right? Because I talked to someone years ago. I feel hurt and angry and I have a death wish out for her. And I just have so many emotions that I don’t know how to deal with them. Can this even be fixed? He seems to think it can. But can I trust him again? 

Can I love him again like I did before? These are questions only I can answer but I cannot seem to find that answer. I cry all day. He works with her. She is trashy and so is he. But how do I get over these sad feelings? Like I said earlier, I’m my mothers child. Why am I so willing to put up with this? Perhaps because I did something similar and he didn’t leave then so I feel like I owe it to him to stay. I also struggle now that I know the truth. 

Because everything around our separation seems like she is the reason. I know now why he got his own phone and perhaps why he even left me. She was new and exciting. I’m not convinced that they weren’t physical but he would never tell me. He will take it to the grave with him. That’s just the way he is. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Maybe some advice. Maybe a friend.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Steffieloo7 said:


> So, my husband and I have been together 19 years, married 18. Have three amazing boys.
> Our relationship hasn’t been rainbows and butterflies and it has been dreadful at times. About 5 years in, I began talking to a friend of his. He hyped me up, told me how gorgeous I was and I ran with it. We talked only for about 3-4 weeks before we both decided we were making a huge mistake. Cut it off completely! Keep in mind, we were never intimate, never met face to face. Only talked via MySpace. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hubby asked me if anything was going on, I admitted it and told him it was over and that was that. I had realized what a huge mistake I had made. That was in maybe 2008/2009. Fast forward to 2019. I started seeing warning signs. Red flags, if you must. My husband is a teacher, you see and my kids would see things at school and come and report to me. My middle son came home one day and told me his dad was buying a female coworker lunch.. I asked him, he said all teachers gave him money and he went and bought it with his debit card and kept the cash. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Then I asked my husband why he was so late from work everyday. My son told me that he was walking down to her room and waiting on her to walk out everyday. A little back story, I was raised by a cheater. My step dad had a new woman every month when I was growing up. I know what to look for. So then my husband gets a cellphone off of our plan. Big red flag. I could no longer see who he was calling or texting if I checked it. I suspected someone and I asked her and she said, oh no, I would never with a married man. Turns out she was. Here comes October 2019, he tells me he is unhappy and we need a break. Apparently, I *ed too much. Great! He moves into his parents house but comes to my house everyday to “talk” which didn’t result in much talking. More, me crying and him being cold and disconnected. He was so angry with me during this separation. So angry. I cannot figure out why. I cried and begged and pleaded with him to stay and save this thing we call love. He said no, he didn’t love me anymore, he wasn’t happy with me. That broke every part of me. I mourned him like I had lost a parent. Only worse because he was still there. I had to deal with the loss with him still being there. I cried and begged for months. Probably 4-5 months. That was when I realized he really didn’t love me. Until one day, I woke up and that was it. I was tired of the  and the games and I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I cut off any intimacy, I didn’t cry, I didn’t want him! I was finally okay. He had gotten an apartment, he hated me enough to not want anything to do with me. I remember thanking god that he finally left me alone. I was happy, I was living, I spent so much time with my kids while he was gone. It felt good. He would occasionally call and whine to me about child support and how I’m taking too much. But I was over it. Then after about 6-7 months of separation, he came back asking me to forgive him. He said he made a huge mistake and he still loved me and it took us being apart to realize how important it was. I wasn’t with the ** so I didn’t acknowledge it for a while. Eventually, I let him come back because obviously, I’m my mothers child. He came back, pledged his love to me, the same as he had done at the courthouse many years prior. I forgave him and things have been great. He has been attentive and loving and just good. Better than he ever was before. Then like a week ago we were arguing and I asked him if he had had a relationship with her. He denied and so I said I had seen their conversations. I hadn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ He then told me he never meant to like her and he never meant for anything to happen. He swears that they never got physical, only talked. He does work with her and her room is right next to his so that’s an issue for me. He had changed job locations this school year and he said he did it to get away from her. She followed him. Now I’m struggling to get the image of the two of them out of my head. I feel disrespected and gross. But do I even have a right? Because I talked to someone years ago. I feel hurt and angry and I have a death wish out for her. And I just have so many emotions that I don’t know how to deal with them. Can this even be fixed? He seems to think it can. But can I trust him again? Can I love him again like I did before? These are questions only I can answer but I cannot seem to find that answer. I cry all day. He works with her. She is trashy and so is he. But how do I get over these sad feelings? Like I said earlier, I’m my mothers child. Why am I so willing to put up with this? Perhaps because I did something similar and he didn’t leave then so I feel like I owe it to him to stay. I also struggle now that I know the truth. Because everything around our separation seems like she is the reason. I know now why he got his own phone and perhaps why he even left me. She was new and exciting. I’m not convinced that they weren’t physical but he would never tell me. He will take it to the grave with him. That’s just the way he is. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Maybe some advice. Maybe a friend.


Steffie so sorry you’re in this terrible situation.

I think yours is not uncommon though. Many betrayed spouses simply can not get over the betrayal, even when the wayward spouse is truly doing everything possible. Reconciliation is really hard, even under the best of circumstances.

Do you suspect your husband of anything at all right now? No red flags of any kind?

You say that your husband was likely physical with OW, and I agree. But WH needs to come clean with you. You could require a polygraph confirmation to help you get to the truth if you want.

However, I’m not sure knowing this truth would help you. Based on the tone of your post, just the fact of the betrayal in the first place is what is killing you, is that right?

Your previous infidelity is part of the problem, I’m sure. Trust was violated and at a minimum, allowed WH to somehow justify in his mind talking to OW in the first place. However, your EA cannot be used as a justification for his EA/PA, nor do you have to accept his infidelities or somehow suppress your distaste of it.

His infidelity is a separate event that took place a decade later. You have every right to be pi$$sed, and you do NOT have to put up with it. If the OW and WH are working together then its likely they are still talking, and may have never truly ended. WH should notify the school about their affair and ask for help in separating OW from him. They should NOT be working together!

But I also wonder, if everything was put right…could you recover from it? I have my doubts based on your language. So why go through all this? Why not divorce? You don’t even have to have a reason at all, but you have several.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

My opinion, as someone who has been on both the betrayed and unfaithful side in my marriage, is that regardless of your past actions feeling like this is normal and to be expected. Just don't start doing the "well, what YOU did was worse" thing because it won't help. You were both wrong, you both damaged the marriage, and now you both have to do a lot of work to fix it. 

There are couples who do properly reconcile, and there are a lot of couples who stay together but don't truly reconcile. You want to be in the former group. If not, you are better off divorcing. Reconciliation will take a lot of work and it can take years to move on from where you are now. 

Can you trust him again? It's possible. It will take a lot of time and work on both ends, and it will probably ebb and flow. You have to be willing to learn to trust him again, and that's a hard and vulnerable place to be. He needs to do the work that is necessary for you to be able to trust him again. Right now it doesn't seem like he's doing that, but even if he does everything right it will still take years - and you may never be able to trust him again. Some people just can't. You won't ever (or shouldn't ever) blindly trust him again or trust him the way you once did though. 

No one here can tell you why you have decided to stay, though I'm sure your childhood and your own infidelity do play a role. You really do need to figure out why you want to stay and if you are doing it for the right reasons though. That's something that a therapist could help you discover. 

To be honest, how you are feeling is not going to go away anytime soon - and it never really does completely go away. Even years down the line there will still be moments and days where it pops up out of nowhere. It's something that you learn to live with. You can also learn to better manage those thoughts and emotions, but it takes a lot of time. 

I totally understand your feelings towards the other woman and wanting death wishes for her, BTDT. However you do have to remember who you should be mad at. Your husband. He is the one who betrayed you, not his colleague. Feeling that way is totally normal though, and I'm not sure it ever completely goes away. Just remember, even if she did drop off the face of the Earth it wouldn't change what your husband did or how you feel about it.

On that note, your husband needs to stop working with this woman. I believe you said he moved schools and she followed him, which if true is getting a bit stalker-like. He needs to get her out of his life if he wants reconciliation to work. He also needs to want to properly reconcile and rug sweeping the affair(s) will not work out. 

You should both read the book "_How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair_" by Linda MacDonald. It will show both of you what he should be doing, and if your affair wasn't properly dealt with then it may show you what you can do for him as well. Another one you both could probably benefit from is "_Not Just Friends_" by Shirley Glass. 

Therapy is pretty much always needed though, both individually and together. Individual therapy comes first, and most therapists suck so it can take trial and error to find the good ones.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You had an affair with his friend and he swept it under the carpet but never trusted you again. 

Instead of being a coward and cheating on you he should have just divorced you. What sticks out to me is your kids being involved in this. Neither of you have good boundaries. 

You don't "owe" him anything but you do need to do everything in your power to make your kids feel safe and I can only imagine the thoughts that are running around in their heads.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Sweetie, I sense a self esteem issue here. I am just an old jarhead, but I can read between the lines. Where you are now is no way to live. Get into counseling and work on yourself. You need to be the best you can be for yourself and your children.

Your husband is a piece of work. My gut tells me if they are in proximity to each other there is a high probability of something going on.

Life is too short to be living as you are. Now for my motivational pep talk of the day I tell others on here from time to time, repeat this 1,000 times. “I am a worthwhile person. I am worthy of love and respect”.

Oh, and one last thing. A cheater will lie to you with a straight face. Believe none of what comes out of his mouth..


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## Steffieloo7 (9 mo ago)

sideways said:


> You had an affair with his friend and he swept it under the carpet but never trusted you again.
> 
> Instead of being a coward and cheating on you he should have just divorced you. What sticks out to me is your kids being involved in this. Neither of you have good boundaries.
> 
> You don't "owe" him anything but you do need to do everything in your power to make your kids feel safe and I can only imagine the thoughts that are running around in their heads.


I wouldn’t say my children were involved at all. I just know that my middle son used to come home and tell me that he noticed his dad flirting with this woman and he knew it didn’t look right.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You should stop being your mother's child and have left him in his apartment. You understand the damage that does. There is really nothing we can tell you, you know what to do. Even if he is not in an ongoing affair he is with her everyday so it can start up again at any time.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

You're crying every day because you don't know the truth, did it get physical, where is it at now, does he suddenly 'not like her' etc. To make it worse, they work next door all day. OMG, how horrible for you

He doesn't have that luxury to be 'like that' i.e. you said 'he'll take it to the grave'. Not acceptable cos you seem to be just accepting that. He's your husband. You need the 100% truth.
I'd tell him all that, very firmly... ASAP.

It's hard to believe they didn't get together when he left you for 6 months, after his red flags, working late & off-the-plan cell. Cheaters think BS are dumb. 
Logically, who else would he have gone to for sex, for example.
I'd ask him that. . . ASAP. 

Working next door all day, that's a tough one. It's very easy to cut someone off, even if working with them. Just don't speak to them beyond the polite hello/bye in front of others & for work things. Has he done that? Or do they still lunch together, does he wait outside her door like before. 
I'd ask him how he engages with her now. . . ASAP. 

I'd ask her. Yup.
She lied to you before. I'd confront her and tell her I wanted the truth this time. I'd also tell her that he told you he moved to get away from her and she followed him to his new job. See what she says to all that. You probably have a better chance of getting the truth from her rather than him (esp if she actually wants him, is she married?).
I'd tell her all that and ask her. . . ASAP. 

It struck me that you sounded so definite before when you 100% decided you were over it. . . until he came back. 
He put you through hell back then, he sounded very cruel. Now, 3 years later, you're going through hell again, crying every day. Don't let him muck you around this time. Tell him that too, Be firm, you want the 100% truth. Do it for you, and for your kids. They'll know something is up with you. 

Look at all the ASAPs above. 
All you need is the truth. You'll never rest until you're sure that you have it. 

PS How do you mean they are both trashy? It's kinda odd for someone to call their husband trashy.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

I think you are correct to view things as even now. I highly doubt your husband ever made peace with your having cheated, especially with his friend ( some friend m eh?).
There is symmetry now, although you are the one who first opened Pandora' s box. I know 5his tit for tat, two wrongs etc. seems simplistic, maybe even petty and juvenile. But, there is something about this particular transgression( cheating) that seems to generate more of a need for getting even than other offenses.
I think it may be because the attack is so personal( betrayal) as it is, often, taken as the cheater' s commentary on the adequacy, desirability, value as a person by the betrayed. Other transgressions do not seem to cut nearly as deep.
In some ways, you may be lucky, as, rather than going forward forever harboring resentment and hurt, perhaps your husband will feel vindicated. This could clear the way for a better marriage than one where only one betrayed, as the playing field is now even.
His lasted longer than yours. OTOH, you brought infidelity into a previously unblemished marriage whereas he brought it into one you already tainted. So, perhaps things are more or less even.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

If he is still working near her, that’s a no go. Even if it’s not his doing that they’re working at same place. That has got to be the first change. Also, do you really think he’d go to the trouble of leaving, getting separate phone, renting an apartment unless he was getting sex??? Most likely not. Most likely he or she were tired of nearly getting caught in the car in a dark parking lot or tired of paying for a hotel room.

The only advice I have to offer is to work on yourself and see how it goes. You deserve to be treated respectfully. Rug sweeping what happened will not do anybody any favors. The bad will always be there just under the surface. Find a good counselor to help you.


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## Steffieloo7 (9 mo ago)

********** said:


> You're crying every day because you don't know the truth, did it get physical, where is it at now, does he suddenly 'not like her' etc. To make it worse, they work next door all day. OMG, how horrible for you
> 
> He doesn't have that luxury to be 'like that' i.e. you said 'he'll take it to the grave'. Not acceptable cos you seem to be just accepting that. He's your husband. You need the 100% truth.
> I'd tell him all that, very firmly... ASAP.
> ...


By trashy I meant that they both screeex up and that makes them both trashy in my eyes.


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## Steffieloo7 (9 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> I think you are correct to view things as even now. I highly doubt your husband ever made peace with your having cheated, especially with his friend ( some friend m eh?).
> There is symmetry now, although you are the one who first opened Pandora' s box. I know 5his tit for tat, two wrongs etc. seems simplistic, maybe even petty and juvenile. But, there is something about this particular transgression( cheating) that seems to generate more of a need for getting even than other offenses.
> I think it may be because the attack is so personal( betrayal) as it is, often, taken as the cheater' s commentary on the adequacy, desirability, value as a person by the betrayed. Other transgressions do not seem to cut nearly as deep.
> In some ways, you may be lucky, as, rather than going forward forever harboring resentment and hurt, perhaps your husband will feel vindicated. This could clear the way for a better marriage than one where only one betrayed, as the playing field is now even.
> His lasted longer than yours. OTOH, you brought infidelity into a previously unblemished marriage whereas he brought it into one you already tainted. So, perhaps things are more or less even.


I wouldn’t say our marriage was untarnished. But that was the first infidelity. Believe me, our marriage has not been great. And I should have left many times before. But I didn’t. And now I feel as if I need to stay for him.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Steffieloo7 said:


> I wouldn’t say our marriage was untarnished. But that was the first infidelity. Believe me, our marriage has not been great. And I should have left many times before. But I didn’t. And now I feel as if I need to stay for him.


Yes, I am sure there were issues, probably caused in part by both parties. Typically, one who has cheated, by definition, has character issues that allow for deception i,e. a lack of integrity and empathy( imagine the hurt caused, in particular , by a betrayal with a friend), poor communication skills and poor problem solving abilities. So, I would imagine your husband may feel you are equally, if not majorly, responsible for the pre- cheating issues in the marriage. Yet, at that point, before you cheated with his friend, he had not resorted to cheating.
Cheating is considered by many therapist to be just about the most severe form of emotional abuse. Quaere whether a person capable of such extreme abuse was likely to have been the ideal spouse when the initial betrayal involved his friend.
So, I am sure you are right, there were problems but almost nothing rises to the level of betrayal by infidelity.
I just believe, having spoken to many betrayed husbands, that almost none let his wife's s cheating slide and they retained a lot of resentment. 
Now, things seem even. You now know what it feels like. The initial transgression probably set this up.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Steffieloo7 said:


> By trashy I meant that they both screeex up and that makes them both trashy in my eyes.


Would you consider having an emotional affair with your husband's friend a bit on the trashy side? Seems particularly cruel, causing more humiliation and embarrassment than with someone outside his circle of trust.
I get the feeling(could be wrong) that you consider your betrayal, the initial betrayal, somehow less egregious. 
Yet, it was brought upon a previously unblemished ( in terms of fidelity, anyway) marriage and it involved his friend. I imagine it cost him that friendship and word may have got out among his peers. That is pretty tough stuff.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Steffieloo7 said:


> About 5 years in, I began talking to a friend of his. He hyped me up, told me how gorgeous I was and I ran with it. We talked only for about 3-4 weeks before we both decided we were making a huge mistake. Cut it off completely! Keep in mind, we were never intimate, never met face to face. Only talked via MySpace. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hubby asked me if anything was going on, I admitted it and told him it was over and that was that. I had realized what a huge mistake I had made.


I understand that you are trying to emphasize the distinction that you were never physically intimate, but I'd think that emotional infidelity is just as worse.

What I'm thinking here is that your husband still has unresolved and hurt feelings about your affair. 

What you described is among the worse kind of betrayal. It involves a close friend and significant other. Think of it this way, at the beginning he was trusting you implicitly and he was trusting his friends implicitly. He probably saw odd happenings that he may have ignored because he thought that he was just imagining things. Then the odd coincidences started piling up, enough for him not to ignore them. Usually people think about how to broach this topic with their wayward partners because that discussion has a potential to get derailed fast and leading to an outcome that he did not necessarily want.

I sincerely think that you did the right thing by coming clean when he asked. If you had lied to him, he probably would have dug further and once his suspensions confirmed, the outcome would not have been pretty. 

So, he found out about this in 2008/2009. Instead of working on it and resolving the issues surrounding your emotional infidelity, he decided to keep it quiet which I think ended up festering in his mind. 

I'm just typing down all these thoughts here because this might give you a glimpse in a male thought process and may help you towards working on resolving your issues and concerns here. 



Steffieloo7 said:


> He then told me he never meant to like her and he never meant for anything to happen. He swears that they never got physical, only talked. He does work with her and her room is right next to his so that’s an issue for me.


It is hard to feel the amount of hurt you are feeling right now because of this. I do not profess to understand what you are going through and I can only hope that you both resolve this. One thing I wanted to suggest is to think about how you are feeling about his infidelity and the hurt that is caused by it. I'm guessing that this is probably somewhat similar to what your husband was going through during 2008/2009 period. 

Also, how was your relationship with each other since 2008/2009? Was there good emotional and physical intimacy between the two of you that made you feel nurtured by your partners? Did he felt nurtured by you?

If I may suggest, please find a good couple's counselor and work on your relationship with self, relationship with each other and get to the root of what it is that made you both cheat. Go deep and find that out. Cheating is a long series of decisions and there is always an option of backing off every step of the way. If you don't find out what is it deep inside that made you cheat, then how can you convince yourself and your spouse that it'll not happen again.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Steffieloo7 said:


> By trashy I meant that they both screeex up and that makes them both trashy in my eyes.


Sorry @Steffieloo, I don’t know what screeex up means either 🙄 😅.
Tbh I think he’s gotten his revenge. He left you for 6 months/said v cruel things/was having ‘something’ with OW before he left/hasn’t been honest with you bout it, mb to this day/ he worked with her & still does. . . all these years later. 

Not minimising your EA but if all that isn’t punishment for you, I don’t know what is.
You were honest immed & knocked your EA on the head after 4 weeks & you didn’t work with AP (I do know it was very tough on him cos he was his friend). Thing is yours was finished/over in a month & didn’t ‘drag out’.

Mb he’ll never get over your EA.

Or cos you said your marriage had a lot of problems even back in 2009 before your EA/there were a lot of problems all the way thru/you say you should have left many times before which is a very big thing to say… mb you guys just don’t work well tog. 

You say you need to stay ‘for him’. Imo that’s not a good enough reason to stay (though it would be great if you could work it out).

What do 'you yourself’ want for the rest of your life. Staying cos you ‘have to for him’ won’t be much of a life. And it would likely end up in a mess.

What’s really bothering you? the truth bout OW i.e. you feel you haven’t gotten the truth. if it was a PA, would you leave?
What would need to happen for it to be fixed in your eyes? 
Sorry I’m a little confused about all that…

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know what it’s like, it kinda takes over one’s life in the worst possible way.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

You do know that he's lieing about no sex, right?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Steffieloo7 said:


> So, my husband and I have been together 19 years, married 18. Have three amazing boys.
> Our relationship hasn’t been rainbows and butterflies and it has been dreadful at times. About 5 years in, I began talking to a friend of his. He hyped me up, told me how gorgeous I was and I ran with it. We talked only for about 3-4 weeks before we both decided we were making a huge mistake. Cut it off completely! Keep in mind, we were never intimate, never met face to face. Only talked via MySpace. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hubby asked me if anything was going on, I admitted it and told him it was over and that was that. I had realized what a huge mistake I had made. That was in maybe 2008/2009. Fast forward to 2019. I started seeing warning signs. Red flags, if you must. My husband is a teacher, you see and my kids would see things at school and come and report to me. My middle son came home one day and told me his dad was buying a female coworker lunch.. I asked him, he said all teachers gave him money and he went and bought it with his debit card and kept the cash. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Then I asked my husband why he was so late from work everyday. My son told me that he was walking down to her room and waiting on her to walk out everyday. A little back story, I was raised by a cheater. My step dad had a new woman every month when I was growing up. I know what to look for. So then my husband gets a cellphone off of our plan. Big red flag. I could no longer see who he was calling or texting if I checked it. I suspected someone and I asked her and she said, oh no, I would never with a married man. Turns out she was. Here comes October 2019, he tells me he is unhappy and we need a break. Apparently, I *ed too much. Great! He moves into his parents house but comes to my house everyday to “talk” which didn’t result in much talking. More, me crying and him being cold and disconnected. He was so angry with me during this separation. So angry. I cannot figure out why. I cried and begged and pleaded with him to stay and save this thing we call love. He said no, he didn’t love me anymore, he wasn’t happy with me. That broke every part of me. I mourned him like I had lost a parent. Only worse because he was still there. I had to deal with the loss with him still being there. I cried and begged for months. Probably 4-5 months. That was when I realized he really didn’t love me. Until one day, I woke up and that was it. I was tired of the **** and the games and I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I cut off any intimacy, I didn’t cry, I didn’t want him! I was finally okay. He had gotten an apartment, he hated me enough to not want anything to do with me. I remember thanking god that he finally left me alone. I was happy, I was living, I spent so much time with my kids while he was gone. It felt good. He would occasionally call and whine to me about child support and how I’m taking too much. But I was over it. Then after about 6-7 months of separation, he came back asking me to forgive him. He said he made a huge mistake and he still loved me and it took us being apart to realize how important it was. I wasn’t with the ****** so I didn’t acknowledge it for a while. Eventually, I let him come back because obviously, I’m my mothers child. He came back, pledged his love to me, the same as he had done at the courthouse many years prior. I forgave him and things have been great. He has been attentive and loving and just good. Better than he ever was before. Then like a week ago we were arguing and I asked him if he had had a relationship with her. He denied and so I said I had seen their conversations. I hadn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ He then told me he never meant to like her and he never meant for anything to happen. He swears that they never got physical, only talked. He does work with her and her room is right next to his so that’s an issue for me. He had changed job locations this school year and he said he did it to get away from her. She followed him. Now I’m struggling to get the image of the two of them out of my head. I feel disrespected and gross. But do I even have a right? Because I talked to someone years ago. I feel hurt and angry and I have a death wish out for her. And I just have so many emotions that I don’t know how to deal with them. Can this even be fixed? He seems to think it can. But can I trust him again? Can I love him again like I did before? These are questions only I can answer but I cannot seem to find that answer. I cry all day. He works with her. She is trashy and so is he. But how do I get over these sad feelings? Like I said earlier, I’m my mothers child. Why am I so willing to put up with this? Perhaps because I did something similar and he didn’t leave then so I feel like I owe it to him to stay. I also struggle now that I know the truth. Because everything around our separation seems like she is the reason. I know now why he got his own phone and perhaps why he even left me. She was new and exciting. I’m not convinced that they weren’t physical but he would never tell me. He will take it to the grave with him. That’s just the way he is. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Maybe some advice. Maybe a friend.


I’d bet $ he physically cheated pretty quickly and for a good while, he moved out and tried to make it work with her. She was probably at his apartment nightly. When the guild wore off the turd, he came back begging. 

You said your marriage has always sucked, so there is nothing TO save. It sounds like you two never really resolved your EA, and now his lies and hiding the extent of his affair; and his ex girlfriend followed him to a new school which is just… wow. Oh let’s not forget his kid saw his inappropriate behavior first hand, knew it was wrong and told you several times… Poor kid was smack in the middle of this thing. But you know exactly how that feels don’t you?

So, what are you doing? Trying not to be the “bad guy” because you had an EA first? Or maybe this is a string that’s tied to your childhood. What’s behind your thought process here of why you took him back? Think about this. 

I think you should find a really good counselor. I have a feeling you need to resolve some things you carry around from your upbringing. I think you have a lot of work to do to break this cycle, because your child is now set to choose a cheater, or be a cheater if you don’t try and do something healthy and meaningful in both your lives.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Steffieloo7 said:


> So, my husband and I have been together 19 years, married 18. Have three amazing boys.
> Our relationship hasn’t been rainbows and butterflies and it has been dreadful at times. About 5 years in, I began talking to a friend of his. He hyped me up, told me how gorgeous I was and I ran with it. We talked only for about 3-4 weeks before we both decided we were making a huge mistake. Cut it off completely! Keep in mind, we were never intimate, never met face to face. Only talked via MySpace. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hubby asked me if anything was going on, I admitted it and told him it was over and that was that. I had realized what a huge mistake I had made. That was in maybe 2008/2009. Fast forward to 2019. I started seeing warning signs. Red flags, if you must. My husband is a teacher, you see and my kids would see things at school and come and report to me. My middle son came home one day and told me his dad was buying a female coworker lunch.. I asked him, he said all teachers gave him money and he went and bought it with his debit card and kept the cash. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Then I asked my husband why he was so late from work everyday. My son told me that he was walking down to her room and waiting on her to walk out everyday. A little back story, I was raised by a cheater. My step dad had a new woman every month when I was growing up. I know what to look for. So then my husband gets a cellphone off of our plan. Big red flag. I could no longer see who he was calling or texting if I checked it. I suspected someone and I asked her and she said, oh no, I would never with a married man. Turns out she was. Here comes October 2019, he tells me he is unhappy and we need a break. Apparently, I *ed too much. Great! He moves into his parents house but comes to my house everyday to “talk” which didn’t result in much talking. More, me crying and him being cold and disconnected. He was so angry with me during this separation. So angry. I cannot figure out why. I cried and begged and pleaded with him to stay and save this thing we call love. He said no, he didn’t love me anymore, he wasn’t happy with me. That broke every part of me. I mourned him like I had lost a parent. Only worse because he was still there. I had to deal with the loss with him still being there. I cried and begged for months. Probably 4-5 months. That was when I realized he really didn’t love me. Until one day, I woke up and that was it. I was tired of the **** and the games and I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I cut off any intimacy, I didn’t cry, I didn’t want him! I was finally okay. He had gotten an apartment, he hated me enough to not want anything to do with me. I remember thanking god that he finally left me alone. I was happy, I was living, I spent so much time with my kids while he was gone. It felt good. He would occasionally call and whine to me about child support and how I’m taking too much. But I was over it. Then after about 6-7 months of separation, he came back asking me to forgive him. He said he made a huge mistake and he still loved me and it took us being apart to realize how important it was. I wasn’t with the ****** so I didn’t acknowledge it for a while. Eventually, I let him come back because obviously, I’m my mothers child. He came back, pledged his love to me, the same as he had done at the courthouse many years prior. I forgave him and things have been great. He has been attentive and loving and just good. Better than he ever was before. Then like a week ago we were arguing and I asked him if he had had a relationship with her. He denied and so I said I had seen their conversations. I hadn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ He then told me he never meant to like her and he never meant for anything to happen. He swears that they never got physical, only talked. He does work with her and her room is right next to his so that’s an issue for me. He had changed job locations this school year and he said he did it to get away from her. She followed him. Now I’m struggling to get the image of the two of them out of my head. I feel disrespected and gross. But do I even have a right? Because I talked to someone years ago. I feel hurt and angry and I have a death wish out for her. And I just have so many emotions that I don’t know how to deal with them. Can this even be fixed? He seems to think it can. But can I trust him again? Can I love him again like I did before? These are questions only I can answer but I cannot seem to find that answer. I cry all day. He works with her. She is trashy and so is he. But how do I get over these sad feelings? Like I said earlier, I’m my mothers child. Why am I so willing to put up with this? Perhaps because I did something similar and he didn’t leave then so I feel like I owe it to him to stay. I also struggle now that I know the truth. Because everything around our separation seems like she is the reason. I know now why he got his own phone and perhaps why he even left me. She was new and exciting. I’m not convinced that they weren’t physical but he would never tell me. He will take it to the grave with him. That’s just the way he is. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Maybe some advice. Maybe a friend.



Ok,
Sounds like a pretty basic divorce. You both treat each other bad. You want him he is sick of you. He wants you, you are sick of him. 
This seems like a basic divorce. You may as well just pull the trigger. This seems pretty dead and you both have hardened your hearts to each other and you've both been messing around with other people outside of the marriage. It sounds pretty gross and toxic. Nothing to salvage. 

I did notice the old "child support" angle. A woman getting child support. How cliche. I assume that means the kids live with you 100% of the time....otherwise I don't know why anyone would pay you to raise your own kids if they live with both parents. You keep food and clothes at your residence. He keeps food and clothes at his. You each pay rent, heat and electric where you each live....no one "OWES" the other a things. Since apparently YOU got paid I'll assume that means he didn't have the kids any and you just raised them 100%, food, clothes the whole nine yards.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Steffieloo7 said:


> So, my husband and I have been together 19 years, married 18. Have three amazing boys.
> Our relationship hasn’t been rainbows and butterflies and it has been dreadful at times. About 5 years in, I began talking to a friend of his. He hyped me up, told me how gorgeous I was and I ran with it. We talked only for about 3-4 weeks before we both decided we were making a huge mistake. Cut it off completely! Keep in mind, we were never intimate, never met face to face. Only talked via MySpace. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Hubby asked me if anything was going on, I admitted it and told him it was over and that was that. I had realized what a huge mistake I had made. That was in maybe 2008/2009. Fast forward to 2019. I started seeing warning signs. Red flags, if you must. My husband is a teacher, you see and my kids would see things at school and come and report to me. My middle son came home one day and told me his dad was buying a female coworker lunch.. I asked him, he said all teachers gave him money and he went and bought it with his debit card and kept the cash. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Then I asked my husband why he was so late from work everyday. My son told me that he was walking down to her room and waiting on her to walk out everyday. A little back story, I was raised by a cheater. My step dad had a new woman every month when I was growing up. I know what to look for. So then my husband gets a cellphone off of our plan. Big red flag. I could no longer see who he was calling or texting if I checked it. I suspected someone and I asked her and she said, oh no, I would never with a married man. Turns out she was. Here comes October 2019, he tells me he is unhappy and we need a break. Apparently, I *ed too much. Great! He moves into his parents house but comes to my house everyday to “talk” which didn’t result in much talking. More, me crying and him being cold and disconnected. He was so angry with me during this separation. So angry. I cannot figure out why. I cried and begged and pleaded with him to stay and save this thing we call love. He said no, he didn’t love me anymore, he wasn’t happy with me. That broke every part of me. I mourned him like I had lost a parent. Only worse because he was still there. I had to deal with the loss with him still being there. I cried and begged for months. Probably 4-5 months. That was when I realized he really didn’t love me. Until one day, I woke up and that was it. I was tired of the **** and the games and I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I cut off any intimacy, I didn’t cry, I didn’t want him! I was finally okay. He had gotten an apartment, he hated me enough to not want anything to do with me. I remember thanking god that he finally left me alone. I was happy, I was living, I spent so much time with my kids while he was gone. It felt good. He would occasionally call and whine to me about child support and how I’m taking too much. But I was over it. Then after about 6-7 months of separation, he came back asking me to forgive him. He said he made a huge mistake and he still loved me and it took us being apart to realize how important it was. I wasn’t with the ****** so I didn’t acknowledge it for a while. Eventually, I let him come back because obviously, I’m my mothers child. He came back, pledged his love to me, the same as he had done at the courthouse many years prior. I forgave him and things have been great. He has been attentive and loving and just good. Better than he ever was before. Then like a week ago we were arguing and I asked him if he had had a relationship with her. He denied and so I said I had seen their conversations. I hadn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ He then told me he never meant to like her and he never meant for anything to happen. He swears that they never got physical, only talked. He does work with her and her room is right next to his so that’s an issue for me. He had changed job locations this school year and he said he did it to get away from her. She followed him. Now I’m struggling to get the image of the two of them out of my head. I feel disrespected and gross. But do I even have a right? Because I talked to someone years ago. I feel hurt and angry and I have a death wish out for her. And I just have so many emotions that I don’t know how to deal with them. Can this even be fixed? He seems to think it can. But can I trust him again? Can I love him again like I did before? These are questions only I can answer but I cannot seem to find that answer. I cry all day. He works with her. She is trashy and so is he. But how do I get over these sad feelings? Like I said earlier, I’m my mothers child. Why am I so willing to put up with this? Perhaps because I did something similar and he didn’t leave then so I feel like I owe it to him to stay. I also struggle now that I know the truth. Because everything around our separation seems like she is the reason. I know now why he got his own phone and perhaps why he even left me. She was new and exciting. I’m not convinced that they weren’t physical but he would never tell me. He will take it to the grave with him. That’s just the way he is. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Maybe some advice. Maybe a friend.


Hi there, 
I'm sorry to read about this situation. I am in teaching and I will say this. It is possible they got physical, it's also possible that they didn't. They may or may not have had sex, but could have kissed or whatever. It's hard to say, but he had feelings for this female co-worker, that is a certainty. What type, I don't know, more than likely physical, but who knows if more than physical. Either way I get your frustration. 

I do wonder something though...
-Did he say what led to him to her? Were there issues in the marriage before, like serious ones? Did you guys sweep your problems under the rug or ignore the issues in marriage? I'm not excusing his behavior in any way, but sometimes that could lead someone to do what he did. If that is not the case, then there really is no justification for it. And him coming back months later to me means they didn't work out and now he wants his comfort. The ball is in your court. You don't have to stay where you are unhappy if you are able to support yourself. It's unfair that you have to be in such despair, you know? 

I've heard of lots of people working on marriages they are unhappy in, because they think they are too old or not financially independent, or fear what people think It's really sad now that I think about it, that people decide to live a lie. But I understand the reasons, no judgement on them. Think about what you want to do, focus on yourself and really soul search, because you then have to remain with a man you don't want.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

I just want to comment that it is amazing how when their little fantasy side action becomes reality and it doesn't work out how they come running back. IMO, the best thing for an affair when they don't want to end it is to let them live the reality with this "perfect soul mate" and let them see that the grass isn't greener. 

That being said I am sorry that you are going through this although I know you have made some mistakes as well. It is terribly hurtful and confusing to be with someone who is supposed to "love you forever" (and you to them) and know about all of these lies and cheating going on. I don't know if you can mend this but you have to decide if you would even want to try. If so the number one thing is --he MUST not work with this ow, no matter what it takes. Also I don't know if this is an option or if finances are an issue, but if you decide to move forward-- getting a post nuptial with an infidelity clause in it.Let's see if he will sign it. Then you will see how serious he is about coming back together in honesty. Good luck!


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> I just want to comment that it is amazing how when their little fantasy side action becomes reality and it doesn't work out how they come running back. IMO, the best thing for an affair when they don't want to end it is to let them live the reality with this "perfect soul mate" and let them see that the grass isn't greener.
> 
> That being said I am sorry that you are going through this although I know you have made some mistakes as well. It is terribly hurtful and confusing to be with someone who is supposed to "love you forever" (and you to them) and know about all of these lies and cheating going on. I don't know if you can mend this but you have to decide if you would even want to try. If so the number one thing is --he MUST not work with this ow, no matter what it takes. Also I don't know if this is an option or if finances are an issue, but if you decide to move forward-- getting a post nuptial with an infidelity clause in it.Let's see if he will sign it. Then you will see how serious he is about coming back together in honesty. Good luck!


That is a good post. I think word for word, it would be perfectly applicable as a reply to a post, had it been made by @Steffieloo7 's husband.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Asterix said:


> That is a good post. I think word for word, it would be perfectly applicable as a reply to a post, had it been made by @Steffieloo7 's husband.


Agreed. This would work for both sides.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Steffieloo7 said:


> So, my husband and I have been together 19 years, married 18. Have three amazing boys.
> 
> Our relationship hasn’t been rainbows and butterflies and it has been dreadful at times. About 5 years in, I began talking to a friend of his. He hyped me up, told me how gorgeous I was and I ran with it.
> 
> ...


I hope you two can come to some kind of terms to co-parents your kids, while living separate lives. Your journey as a married couple is over, there is too much pain there. I hope you two can find happiness elsewhere. Best of luck!


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