# He wants space....



## tina (Jan 28, 2009)

Hi. I am new here. I have been married to my husband for 17 years next month. We have always had a pretty good marriage. We rarely fought. We have a 16 year old daughter and a 13 year old son. We are both quiet and easy to get along with. 
Last summer I found out he was texting a girl he works with for several months, all day and sometimes into the evening, though I never saw him with his cell???? Although I think at times when he was on his work laptop, she may have been texting his email. So we had it out and he swears she was just a friend. He is a very honest person, so I believed him, and still do, although I do believe they were headed eventually possibly into an affair. He still doesnt think so. She is also married with children. 
We agreed to try to work on our marriage. We went away for a weekend in October, hoping that would spice things up a bit, because honestly things had gotten I guess you could say boring, dull, we were co-existing. I suggested counsleing at the time, but he didn't want to go, said we can work it out ourselves. 
Things have been touch and go since then. I still have issues about the girl he works with, and probably hound him too much about her. They supposedly don't text anymore but how would I really know this because he has a work phone. I want to trust him but my mind tends to work overime.
So a few days ago she requested him on her facebook, which sent me into a tailspin because now all I see is another way to comunicate outside of work. He still swears there is nothing there. He says they just talk at work, she is a friend, but now he says he doesn't know what is worng with him, he needs time and space He isn't leaving, but I don't really know what that means. We are still sleeping in the same bed, but there isn't any intimacy. He says he loves me and he isn't going anywhere he just needs to figure things out. I think WE should be working on this together and possibly going to counseling. I think that when we took our vows, it was for better or worse and we work on things together. Am I wrong? Should I just give him space in our home? 
Thanks


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Because he feels a need to work things out on his own it is very likely he is sorting out his feelings for her. He may be in an emotional affair and not even realize it. It is possible to be in one and not even realize the friendship has crossed over to love. Usually when one engages in an EA there are reasons at home for it. There are things he seeks and gets from her that he is not getting at home. Respect, attention, acceptance, ego strokes…. Any number of things. If he is asking for space, give it to him. It can do wonders for a confused spouse. I understand your need to want to talk it out, that is a normal reaction but pushing can drive him further away. Don’t dote on him but show him you care for and love him. Show this in your actions not your words. Counseling should be kept in mind as a possible course of action. This has the signs of an EA but doesn’t necessarily mean there is one. Don’t overreact and be patient in this.


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## tina (Jan 28, 2009)

Thank you for the response. I think you are right and I will try to be patient. Not very easy for me, but to hopefully save my marriage I am willing to try anything.
Thanks.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Here is what I did:
I asked her to tell me about the relationship. I genuinely wanted to know. I didn't demand she tell me. I wasn't angry, or jealous. I wanted to understand why, and how, he had become important to her. By doing so, *we* interacted more - which led to our talking about *us*. I actually found it a bit empowering. One of two things happens; you reestablish a bond, or your partner chooses to not share the dimensions and details of their 'friendship'. If that is the case, you have still learned a great deal, and can make decisions or take action accordingly.
You may also want to consider counseling - to care for yourself.

So, for full disclosure, in remaining engaged and non-hostile about my wife's 'friendship' it became apparent that she was lying to me. From my point of view, acting like a jealous lunatic wouldn't have changed the outcome at all - and likely only would have prolonged it. See if he will talk to you. I hope each of you have a great deal to say to one another.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Your situation sounds a lot like mine only ours got much worse. When my husband first started texting this girl I know it was platonic but she confided things in him, he gave advice, and they clicked and it progressed to a physical affair. When it first began, I found out by the phone bill. I asked him to stop and he did for awhile...then picked it up again and wouldn't stop. He said same thing it was nothing. He even said that after they started sleeping together and he convinced me that he wasn't and they were just friends. I believed him because I wanted to believe him. We also got along very well but were co-existing. Although we were still intimate, granted maybe once a week or once in two weeks but all the way through the affair we were still intimate...

He slept with her for a period of about 4 months, then I just had to know, but needed confirmation. He left his computer on and no password, he thought he erased all his emails but didn't know they all saved in sent and the photos he was sending her were not platonic! Turns out when I saw those and called him he was with her at the movies..

I called him up, told him I knew. He got angry because I was invading his privacy, I told him he was invading a lot more (how about exposing me to STDs!) and yet he denied. I told him he was full of it and don't come home...ever! 

That was a wake up call for him. He realized he "F#$%ed up his life" (his words) and he called and called until I eventually took his call and he said "how do I fix this". That was last summer and true to his word he is dedicating himself 110% to fixing it. 

I'm not saying this is what is happening here, but it will. In either case he cannot fix your relationship while giving a piece of himself to someone else. You are right to ask him to stop, if not it will continue to deteriorate. I am not proposing an ultimatum, never works instead:

Focus on YOU. What have you always wanted to do for yourself? What, if anything are you unhappy with? (for me it was not being in shape, isolating myself I'd always had so many friends but realized I'd cut them all off, and I wanted to be a better mother). 

Here is what I did (before I discovered the affair and felt our marriage was just falling apart):

- Focused on my kids. I didn't invite my husband just took them to do fun things, feed the ducks, play in the park. I realized we were so wrapped up in our problems they were being ignored. Kids responded very positively. 

- Diet and Exercise program. Today I weigh what I weigh in high school and I love that people who connect with me from high school say "you look exactly the same"...yeah if they saw me a year ago I looked every bit 39. Now, 2 out of 3 times in restaurants I get carded! I bought a whole new wardrobe, a younger less frumpy. I love buying sexy underwear and low cut jeans. I'd never wear before. The exercise is a huge stress reliever and I run daily, I look forward to it, I NEED it. 

- Made some new friends. The old ones contributed, even tried to help her contact him afterward. They weren't friends at all and were a terrible influence. I met some new friends and through them more friends. This was a big change and I realized I needed them. My husband is friends with all of them too and now we all hang out together, our kids hang out together and I don't feel like we are just existing. There is always a party, an event, etc.

- New hobbies: With this my husband joined too. I took up shooting because he loves it, we both took up indoor rock climbing and we joined a slow pitch softball and sand volleyball league together. 

- Joined a Single Mom's group...I didn't know if I'd be single or not but I needed others who understood. Friends who were mine, not his too. These ladies were lifesavers and at the worst time in my life they supported and helped me. Many churches have similar type groups associated with them. 

Through all of this my husband noticed a big change in me, physically and emotionally. He realized, I was going to be fine without him if it came to that. Our relationship had started to improve, but he had not yet ended with her, then I found out and kicked him out. 

I did not have the confidence prior to that to throw him out. When I focused on me I became stronger, more confident and realized he did not deserve me. I put in 110% in to saving the marriage and I did make a difference but until he gave her up it could never be fixed. I remember one day about a month before I found out ... we were going to have lunch together but I texted him and said that I needed to know one thing first...he texted back a cautious what???? I said "can you and will you give HER up?". He didn't respond and picked me up for lunch. I didn't get in the car until he said "yes I can and I have". (supposedly they were "friends" and I told him no contact whatsover, he said yes). 

He didn't. I took my daughter on a trip and he slept with her in our bed. 

So if he tells you he will stop, then all communication must stop. If not then he is willing to risk hurting you for the sake of this person. In that case he doesn't deserve you. If you tell him this hurts you and is causing a problem with your relationship and he still does it, then you have a difficult decision....

Meantime, focus on you. Don't do anything for him, do it for you. And this thing about "I just need space" I heard it too. 

Never hurts to spice up the marriage. Although if he doesn't see that you are focused on him but focused on yourself it will make him think! Take him on a date, what does he like to do? Do something unique, get a sitter, buy a new outfit. Do something different in the bedroom. 

I had done this and my husband still talks about that date I took him on even though we have been on several since. He's also taken up the practice and makes sure we have date night at least twice a month. 

You CAN make a difference just don't let him take advantage of you.


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