# I gotta fix this..



## B_Wayne (Jan 24, 2014)

Forgive me if I lack sense in some parts.. I am a little shaken up.

I am 24 and my Fiancé is 21. We met in college and she got pregnant within 2 months of us having met. It was tough, of course, but both coming from a down home country background, we knew what we should do. We got serious and she moved in with me well before the baby came. It was a huge change for me. I was always here and there with relationships. I realize now that I have always chased romance but anytime I found it, I never knew what to do. I was a quite promiscuous young man. Being with one woman has proven to be difficult. After a couple encounters with being caught talking to other women, My Fiancé became quite sour, understandably. I wanted to fix things and make it up to her but she had pulled back so much that it became so difficult to deal with her and I began to resent her. She seemed more interested in the social networking world and nonsense than actually paying attention to ME. She is quite immature sexually and has RARELY ever came on to me. I have always had to be the dominant one, which to her, is sexy. To me, not so much... She, since the baby has continuously gained weight and refused to do anything about it. With my athletic background and over all outlook on health and fitness this is a huge bump in the road for me. My frustration, with this and her general immaturity had become so frustrating that I reached out elsewhere to get my attention. 
When my baby was born, I left college and began working entry level at a retail furniture store. I knew with the tough economy and being so young, I would need to work double time to get somewhere. I immediately impressed my supervisors. I have since gone through two promotions and I am now Sitting behind a desk merchandising for our store. I run several projects trough out our company and I am given tons of extra responsibility. Still working hard to move up and make more money to give my daughter the things I never got. In the middle of all of the stress at work and home, I found myself talking to a colleague. I found this young woman to be somewhat attractive and we had a great likeness in our thoughts. Not getting the compassion I wanted at home, this woman had a great deal of my attention. She confided that she had a major physical attraction to me and wanted to act on it. We began texting and sending photos. We even, out of shear insane timing, met up in a shop closet. We small talked for a moment, next thing we knew we were kissing. 
Shortly after that, and a ton of intense emails and text messages, my fiancé got ahold of my phone, got wind of the bad business and spiraled into a fiery tornado. I told her I would fix it and it would stop and I would make it up to her. She calmed down, gave into my pleading and we hung in there. Well.. Even Knowing I was risking my family, and losing the daughter who is my pride and joy, I was still selfish and continued to talk to this woman. I just could not get a response from my fiancé at home and I needed a connection from a woman. I slept with my colleague and things got intensely out of hand. We emailed all day every day that we could. We developed a great chemistry, as forbidden as it was, we could not stop. I began to care about this woman. She, who had a boyfriend and claimed to be in a similar situation as I, seemed to be everything I was missing. Even though during these acts, I knew it was wrong, I knew I did not love her like I wanted to love my fiancé, and knowing her and I would never make it in a real relationship, the connection we shared intellectually and sexually was so gratifying that I couldn't let my self stop. It was like I was addicted to her. 
Well into our selfish affair, her boyfriend found the same bad news on her phone. He then contacted my fiancé and they immediately developed a sort of alliance. I left home, and have been attempting to calm her any time she speaks to me of our daughter. She has been fair and is giving me fair time with her. But when I see my little girl with me away from her HOME, it kills me. I tore her life to pieces and didn't give her a chance. I would do anything to fix her world that I destroyed. I told the woman at work that I was done. That I was so incredibly sorry to have went along with our selfish acts and If I had hurt her. I cared about this woman, and still wish I could help her as well but I know my family deserves better, so I told her not to talk to me. 
My fiancé decided to talk to me after a few days of this nightmare. She told me that she wants our family. But she wants me to stay away from her until she is ready. She says she will attempt to date me again away from Our Daughter to keep her from being confused. I am ok with what ever she wants. She has made it clear that I will not be welcome back into the house until I have a new job. Although I understand her request, It is going to be hell. There is no way I can start somewhere else making what I make now, which barely keeps us afloat. 
I love my family. I love my daughter to no end and I pride myself for being such a great parent. I can not go the rest of my life without my daughter and her mother. They deserve a real man to be there for them and that is what I am going to do. I just don't know where to start. I am going to make my fiancé my number one. I will do everything in my power to be honest to her and confide in only her. but I just do not know how to support us without my job. don't get me wrong, with everything I have done, I owe this woman everything. But I still have to consider our well being. with our financial obligations and our ridiculously overwhelming student loans, there is no way I can quit this job and begin entry level. 
Please help me with any insight. I know I need help. I have resorted to this because I simply can not budget counseling or therapy. This is in hope to further open my selfish eyes and help me build myself into what I want to be. A good husband and great father. [/FONT]


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Sounds to me like your real interest is in the "colleague". Think about what you're saying Dawg.

"_I found this young woman to be somewhat attractive and we had a great likeness in our thoughts. 

Not getting the compassion I wanted at home, this woman had a great deal of my attention.

the connection we shared intellectually and sexually was so gratifying that I couldn't let my self stop. It was like I was addicted to her. 

I knew I did not love her like I wanted to love my fiancé_," ( you love the girl you want to marry my man, not want to love her.)

Other than the kid, what else do you have with the gal you claim you want to marry?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude...

Getting someone pregnant doesn't mean that getting married is a good idea. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wow, ironic you call your fiance immature. Look in the mirror little boy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

You suck as a fiance/husband so focus on being a good father instead. Don't get married. Make regular child support payments and BE THERE for your child ALWAYS. Be a good role model so when the time comes for her to date and get married she chooses a good guy based on what she has seen growing up. With that said, please understand that she will most likely have a stepfather in her life along the way. That's a reality!

I'd recommend not getting married to anyone until you grow up a little bit. And use condoms with future girlfriends.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> You suck as a fiance/husband so focus on being a good father instead. Don't get married. Make regular child support payments and BE THERE for your child ALWAYS. Be a good role model so when the time comes for her to date and get married she chooses a good guy based on what she has seen growing up. With that said, please understand that she will most likely have a stepfather in her life along the way. That's a reality!
> 
> I'd recommend not getting married to anyone until you grow up a little bit. And use condoms with future girlfriends.


This
...And stay away from commited women!


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Ever heard of a paragraph? Please edit your post so it's easier to read.


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## NovellaBiers (Dec 11, 2013)

First you must stop blaming your fiance of your affairs. The affair is 100% your fault.

You are not a good parent or a real man. A good parent and a real man does not have affairs.

I suggest you let your fiance be free to find a real man who can be a proper parent to her daughter.


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## B_Wayne (Jan 24, 2014)

Fair enough folks... I expected immense criticism. 
I realize that the way I wrote this up it seems as if I have never "loved" said Fiancé. I assure you I do. She is my world. Our whole relationship hasn't been this way. I Simply made a few mistakes and I am also maturing. I realize now that if I would have focused my attention away from the colleague, and towards my fiancé, I am sure everything would have been great. I was having negative thoughts of my fiancé because of my own guilt. I Drove myself away. I love my fiancé very much and it is killing me knowing that I have not expressed that to her. I understand we are a young couple. We have a lot to learn. So me admitting what I have done wrong and how incredibly bad I want to REALLY do better is still grounds for you people to say end the relationship? Just give up? In your honest opinions, can a young man recover from this? Knowing that I want nothing more in this world than to be a good honest husband to HER going forward and being a good dad to my beautiful daughter?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

B_Wayne said:


> A good husband and great father. [/FONT]


Its always suspect when a cheater gives themselves props.

A good husband? Good husbands do not cheat on their wives.

A great father, sure. But then again, if a father cared about their children's well being they wouldn't have done something that is so destructive to their lives. But I'll digress on that one.


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## B_Wayne (Jan 24, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Its always suspect when a cheater gives themselves props.
> 
> A good husband? Good husbands do not cheat on their wives.
> 
> A great father, sure. But then again, if a father cared about their children's well being they wouldn't have done something that is so destructive to their lives. But I'll digress on that one.


I realize all of this... 
I said this is what I WANT to be...


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

B_Wayne said:


> I realize all of this...
> I said this is what *I WANT* to be...


Here is the problem...it's not all about you. You have damaged your fiance PERMANENTLY. Even if she forgives you, she will never, ever forget. And every day you go to that job she will wondering if you're fvcking that "colleague" again. Trust is imperative in a successful relationship and you killed it and make no attempt to earn it back. 

You say that you want to move forward, but guess what...you lost that privilege when you stuck yourself inside your "colleague". It is no longer your decision. It's your fiance's and I suspect she will make decisions based on her needs, the needs of her daughter and what ACTIONS she sees you taken. What you want falls to the bottom of the list. Words are empty.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BWayne

We get that the economy is bad.
We understand you have debt and bills to pay.

But when you mess around at work you pay the price.

Your fiancé has every right to demand you find a new job.

Somehow you have to do that. It helps restore trust.

And you also need to finish school and get a degree.

That is how you will most benefit your daughter and yourself.

HM


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You guys got together too young. She got pregnant, had a baby, and you guys decided to play house. Neither one of you was ready for that. 

Your only job now is to be a good father. Provide for your little girl. Make her your purpose for being. You can do that even if you don't live together full time. You are still young. Mature. Eventually, another woman, and perhaps even your daughter's mother, will see what a stand up guy you are as a father and will love you for it.


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## B_Wayne (Jan 24, 2014)

I understand all of this? How am I not making an attempt to earn trust back? I told her I would work on the job situation. That is a small price to pay. I know she needs to do what is best. She thinks that IF I can prove myself to her, than she can move forward with me. I plan on doing just that. That being said, I cant just quit this job and have no income. That would annihilate her and I BOTH financially. I DID inform my boss of the situation and she has made it clear that what ever I need will be fine. There is no reason for the girl and I to even cross paths. I was advised not to make any rash decision in leaving, due to broader horizons within the company. 
Look, what I have done to My Fiancé is unforgettable. But I KNOW I can do better. God gave us all the power to do the right thing. I know I can and will be the right man for her.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

tulsy said:


> Ever heard of a paragraph? Please edit your post so it's easier to read.


God, I was going to say this, I gave up reading this half way through..... Bloody nightmare.


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## NovellaBiers (Dec 11, 2013)

You need to go NC with the OW immediately. Unfortunately this means you need to look for another job.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

B_Wayne said:


> I understand all of this? How am I not making an attempt to earn trust back? I told her I would work on the job situation. That is a small price to pay. I know she needs to do what is best. She thinks that IF I can prove myself to her, than she can move forward with me. I plan on doing just that. That being said, *I cant just quit this job* and have no income. That would annihilate her and I BOTH financially. I DID inform my boss of the situation and she has made it clear that what ever I need will be fine. There is no reason for the girl and I to even cross paths. *I was advised not to make any rash decision in leaving, due to broader horizons within the company*.
> Look, what I have done to My Fiancé is unforgettable. But I KNOW I can do better. God gave us all the power to do the right thing. I know I can and will be the right man for her.


I am going to disagree with you. If you want to keep your fiance, you (or your work girlfriend) need to leave the company. Plain and simple. Forget the advice of your coworkers/boss and listen to your fiance, if you want to keep her.

I am twice your age and married over 20 years with kids in college. My H was making a pretty darn good income at his job. He had an EA at work (did not even put his weenie in her!) and I was about to divorce. HE LEFT HIS JOB! I know you have debt, but it can be done. We have kids in college to pay for, a mortgage and car notes. HE LEFT HIS JOB...FOR ME...TO EARN MY TRUST. And guess, what? I'm still with him. I still don't trust him, but his ACTIONS have given me the hope and desire to work with him. This is my experience and why I'm giving you this advice. I actually want good things for you, your fiance and your daughter. Everyone here on TAM does!


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## B_Wayne (Jan 24, 2014)

I see... Thank you. I am not begging to keep this job. I know It needs to change. I told her I would figure it out. I am working on coming up with a plan.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

B_Wayne said:


> I see... Thank you. I am not begging to keep this job. I know It needs to change. I told her I would figure it out. I am working on coming up with a plan.


Just remember that time is not on your side in this case. You need to move swiftly. Good luck to you!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You loved her. Perhaps. But not enough to be faithful to her and your little girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Ignoring the fact that statistically speaking your age, and especially her age, make it almost impossible for you two to have a successful marriage, you have already cheated, been caught, and cheated again. 

You arent even married yet, and your fiance has already had 2 D-days and 1 false R. Your chances are even lower with that in the picture. 

For the sake of providing a dissenting point of view and actually trying to address your specific questions, I'll break it down for you.

The reason you got the response you did from this community is spelled out clearly in the language you use to describe the situation. You keep using language/words to sound like you understand that you acted inappropriately and selfishly, and to sound like you are "manning up" and "owning" the affair and other inappropriate behavior. However, its obvious that you do not actually understand what those concepts mean.

Throughout your entire story you justify your actions and attempt to excuse your behavior because you still think your ego/image actually means something. 

You could have boiled your entire story down to:

"I was irresponsible and despite the fact that I was attending college, and had many sex partners, still lacked the intellect to use a condom while having sex, and in addition to potentially spreading sexually transmitted diseases, I got a girl pregnant. 

Instead of considering all available options, including emergency contraception, adoption, familial help, counseling, abortion, etc., I continued to think only of myself and my self image and went with the route that would make me seem like I was actually a responsible person. 

I didnt realize that an actual relationship took major effort, and quickly got bored of doing the work. I saw a hot piece of azs at work, and because up to this point I've only been thinking of myself, decided to have an affair. 

I got caught, but because I'm a selfish pile of crap, and cant handle not seeming like I'm a man, I told the woman I got pregnant, my fiance, a bunch of lies. Because I knew she would be scared ****less to leave, I continued having my affair. My affair partner got caught too, and now that I cant have sex with her anymore I want to have sex with my fiance again.

I still dont want to put any meaningful work into any of this, and want to keep my options open, and by that I mean I still want to have a shot at having sex with my affair partner, so I will try to figure out how to continue working where my affair partner works, and use the excuse of money or whatever else I can to justify doing so." (even if this last part happens to not be the case, it will still look that way to your fiance.)


Did either one of you finish your educations? Have you researched what assistance programs are available to you and her based on income? There are free or nearly free counseling and mental health services out there, if you and her dont start attending regular individual counseling immediately, you stand no chance. If you dont start couples counseling shortly thereafter, you dont stand a chance. If you stop attending counseling before you are able to teach a class on it, you wont make it. 

If you or your affair partner do not quit the job immediately, you dont stand a chance. If you do not understand the reason for that in the next few days, I doubt you ever will. Here is a hint, a marriage can survive many things if it is built and maintained properly, including financial hardships, but it can never survive the involvement of a third person (your affair partner)

Reconciliation is possible, my wife and I are well over two years into ours, and despite the incredible amount of hard work it takes, it is very rewarding and our relationship grows with each passing day. Reconciliation requires two willing participants who have, or are able to learn, the skills they need to communicate in an appropriate manner. They must be able to set out and defend proper, healthy, relationship boundaries, and learn to recognize red flags and warning signs.

The advice youve been getting so far may sound harsh, and the idea may be very unappealing to you because your ego and self image may be tarnished should you split up with your fiance and do your part to financially support her. However, it is the best advice anyone can really offer you. 

In addition to dealing with the usual obstacles of reconciliation, both of you still have to develop and grow as individuals, and learn how to function as a couple. It is honestly a nearly impossible task, but to even have a shot at testing the feasibility of trying to make it work, you would have to commit to no contact with the affair partner (you quit the job or your affair partner quits if you "cant") and total 100% transparency in your relationship with your fiance, if she even wants to try and work it out with you that is, and if I was her parents or friends, I would not be supporting that kind of a decision.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You want to be a better man, which is admirable, but what does she want? I had a boyfriend in my 20's who cheated the way you did & when he proposed marriage I was stunned. I had no intention of hitching my wagon to a man I couldn't trust.

And that's your problem. She may never trust you again. You can work as hard on it as you like, but it's really up to her at this point.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

B_Wayne said:


> Being with one woman has proven to be difficult. *After a couple encounters with being caught talking to other women*, My Fiancé became quite sour, understandably.
> 
> *OK, that was enough about your faults, now let's talk about your fiance's faults. Let's count them.*
> 
> ...


Whatever you do, don't let her look at this thread.

I am assuming you are genuine about wanting to save your marriage, or you wouldn't be posting here, but your fiance does not seem gullible to me.

She also doesn't seem like she improved any of those things on your list of her faults. Did all of that good sex with the other woman take away all of your resentment for your fiance not paying you enough attention?

You talk a good game. What you need now is less talk, and more action. Are your skills not transferable to another employer? If you get a job elsewhere, why does it have to be entry-level?

You're all over the place, guy. It's obvious you're in damage-control mode. Re-read that first post of yours as if some other guy wrote it and honestly tell me if it would inspire any confidence that the guy actually was going to change. Doesn't it just sound like the guy who wrote it will say anything to get what he wants, which is back in her good graces? Your fiance thinks the same thing.

Time to put up or shut up.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Re-read that first post of yours as if some other guy wrote it and honestly tell me if it would inspire any confidence that the guy actually was going to change.


Let's go a step further. Re-read your post while visualizing that's it's written by your daughter's boyfriend twenty years from now. Would you want your daughter to tolerate that behavior? Would you want that kind of guy to raise your grandchild? Would you tell your daughter to go back to him?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

B_Wayne, I stopped reading after the first 3-4 lines. I would suggest taking "responsibility and consequences 101" but it won't work. You're going to blame shift and it's always going to be someone else's fault. Well get used to it buddy. Sometimes people change but most of the time they don't and you probably won't.


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## B_Wayne (Jan 24, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## B_Wayne (Jan 24, 2014)

I realize how ridiculous my post was. Terriblly worded and i even confused myself in reading it over. Like i said to begin with. Im a little shaken up. Brain is in some what if a rebuild mode, if you will. I have neen on the job hunt like no ones business folks. She told me NOT to quit until i had something lined out. I made it clear that if she was willing to go through the financial hardship, i would not go back a single day. That isnt what she wanted. Hated that idea as matter of fact. I know my word isnt worth anything now. But if i wasnt genuine, then i wouldnt be reaching to the dam internet for help. I really do love this woman. I have been ignorant and unfair to ger. But i am genuinely willing to do what it takes for just a CHANCE to show her that I can fix myself. People CAN change. Problems CAN be solved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Yes they can change...but only you can change you. You have a lot of real hard work ahead of you if that is what you want. You have some fundamental relationship issue that need to be addressed and you need to address your infidelity. I would suggest MC and ICE for both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## B_Wayne (Jan 24, 2014)

I know this is going to be a long hard road. Especially for her. I just want to add that all of the "excuses" in my original post were completely on me. This post was intended to portray me setting my ego aside and finally realizing what i SHOULD be. I know that this woman has done nothing wrong. She has been unbelievably perfect and I let my OWN insecurities create this problem. Any negative mark in our relationship from her has completely cause d by me in the first place. I have spent an immense amount of time with my pastor from when i was a kid. Thank you all for every word. I am looking forward to updating this post well down the road with how well we are..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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