# Can two people just be incompatible?



## firebelly1

My H and I have been separated for a year and a half. He initiated it but I was ready for a break as well. Through that time H and I have been talking about what happened, what we each could have done differently, etc but it was only recently that we both seemed to agree that we might try again. Both of us are cautious about that decision. 

One of my major issues is that we have very different styles of communicating. He's from an Irish Catholic family from the east coast and I'm from the passive aggressive northwest. There was an advice column recently in the Washington Post where the person writing in had a fiance that teased her all the time - made fun of her for liking particular things, etc. She found herself trying to hide those things from her fiance rather than "put up" with his teasing. 

I identified with this writer - I've done the same thing - hide parts of myself from my H because I didn't want him to make fun of me. I can see that another woman might take it differently - just friendly banter, to which the response should be teasing him back - but that just isn't my style. It hurts my feelings to be teased. 

The advice columnist suggested that this was a compatibility issue. Do you agree? Should something like this be a red flag that a marriage can't work?


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## PBear

Of course people can just be incompatible. They can even both be great people and incompatible. The real question is, are they willing to work on compromising and understanding the other person. If they're not both willing to do that, then they might as well throw in the towel. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

I had a best friend for 10 years in grade school. We dreamed of sharing an apartment one day until we took a vacation together. LOL

We learned that we can be great friends but we cannot cohabitate.

So not only can people be incapatible but they can have differences that stop them being able to live together as well. Just personal habits can be enough to make someone not be a good spouse for you.


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## firebelly1

PBear said:


> The real question is, are they willing to work on compromising and understanding the other person.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This has been my assumption - that ANY difference can be negotiated if both people WANT to negotiate it. The term incompatibility to me means that even if the two people want and try to negotiate, the differences on their face make the two people unable to get along.


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## In_The_Wind

Yes and I would thank that in one way or another either party would always be disappointed or not happy with the other. For example a clean freak and a messy person they might get along great in every area, except on where and how they live one likes it clean the other when they get around to it would drive anyone insane in my opinion.


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## Mavash.

In_The_Wind said:


> For example a clean freak and a messy person they might get along great in every area, except on where and how they live one likes it clean the other when they get around to it would drive anyone insane in my opinion.


Exactly!!

There are certain personalities that struggle to coexist with one another.

Farm hand marrying a city girl.
Party girl marrying a couch potato.
Spontaneous marrying planners.
Traveler marrying homebody.

Granted sometimes we balance each other out and other times we drive each other crazy. Wise people know the different. Love isn't enough.


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## firebelly1

Just read this in the same advice column. Really good message for me:

"His business: How he treats you (and how he consents to be treated).

Your business: How you consent to be treated (and how you treat him).

If you don’t like the way he is treating you, then you articulate how you feel and what changes you would like to see.

If he doesn’t make the changes, then you get to decide whether you want to stay in the relationship as-is or whether you would rather break up. No trying to change someone."


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## Jellybeans

firebelly1 said:


> There was an advice column recently in the Washington Post where the person writing in had a fiance that teased her all the time - made fun of her for liking particular things, etc. She found herself trying to hide those things from her fiance rather than "put up" with his teasing.
> 
> I identified with this writer - I've done the same thing - hide parts of myself from my H because I didn't want him to make fun of me. It hurts my feelings to be teased.


Heh. I read that column that day (btw, I love Carolyn Hax). 

Well... different styles of communicating is one thing. Being teased and made to feel bad is another. Especially if he does it knowing full well it bothers you and continues to do it. My exH was the same. He said I was "too sensitive" but really he was cruel sometimes. It's about respect. 

If you guys want to give it a go, explain to him plainly that this behavior of his bothers you. That it makes you feel bad and discuss your communicating styles.

If he truly cares, he will not tease you to make you feel bad. 

I think if two people want it bad enough, they will do any/everything to make it work. But it has to come from both sides and respect, on both ends is paramount.


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## firebelly1

Jellybeans said:


> Heh. I read that column that day (btw, I love Carolyn Hax).
> 
> Well... different styles of communicating is one thing. Being teased and made to feel bad is another. Especially if he does it knowing full well it bothers you and continues to do it. My exH was the same. He said I was "too sensitive" but really he was cruel sometimes. It's about respect.
> 
> If you guys want to give it a go, explain to him plainly that this behavior of his bothers you. That it makes you feel bad and discuss your communicating styles.
> 
> If he truly cares, he will not tease you to make you feel bad.
> 
> I think if two people want it bad enough, they will do any/everything to make it work. But it has to come from both sides and respect, on both ends is paramount.


My H has said the same thing - that I'm "too sensitive" and I've debated with myself over it - maybe I am, maybe I'm not. But I think I'm at a point where I accept that my feelings are hurt, that isn't going to change and I don't want to put up with being teased. So, as Carolyn and you recommend, all I can do is ask him to stop. If he stops, it's a reason to stay. If he doesn't, it's a reason to go. Simple. (But not easy.)


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## Mavash.

I'm too sensitive. I admit it, own it and am totally okay with it.

I don't like being teased and therefore my husband respects my wishes.

I know he thinks I'm too serious but that's just who I am and he loves me anyway.


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