# So I told him tonight



## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Deleted


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I'm sorry you are hurting.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Uh, ok....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry you feel like this, (am in the same boat myself). trying and separate yourself from him and take some time away to get your thoughts together and see your situation for what it really is. Maybe he just needs a wake up call or maybe there is something deeper that is wrong?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Congratulations, you are now on the path to a happier future. I too was in a marriage without sex for 4 years (!!). I call it a sexless and loveless marriage. What a way to live! Once I got to the acceptance phase, I moved out and haven't looked back. Been so much happier in these past few months. I can't wait until the D is finalized. 

If you don't have kids, consider yourself lucky. I'd move out tonight if I was you. I have two young kids, so my journey is a little more complicated. You can do this!


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Our kids are all out of the house (second marriage for both of us). 

I will be staying at my sister's for at least a little while. She left town a few months ago on short notice to take a new job and her house is sitting empty with furniture until she can get back and make arrangements to put it on the market.

His daughter is getting married next month and I told him we did not need to make any announcements about anything until after the wedding. She will be pretty upset by this and I don't want to ruin things for her. 

When I left this morning he seemed so sad and just said that he didn't want me to go. I replied that he had left me no choice as the pain of staying has become greater than the pain of leaving. He had no response. 



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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Aine, there is definitely something deeper wrong. He suffers from pretty severe psychological ED and refuses to address it. Instead he has turned to heavy porn use and apparently I am supposed to be okay with that. 

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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

So difficult when you still love each other but one cannot/will not address the issues. I understand to well....

My divorce was yesterday.

Heavy Porn Use....which can first the chicken or the egg? Porn or ED...often they can go hand in hand. Sometimes, you have to protect yourself from any more damage.

Hugs to you...


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Corpuswife;15147737
Heavy Porn Use....which can first the chicken or the egg? Porn or ED...often they can go hand in hand. [/QUOTE said:


> Which came first? Sexless marriage, emotional abuse, porn, or ED.
> 
> I'm dealing with psychological ED and feel it was brought about by my sexless marriage and wife's rejection.
> 
> ...


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I haven't read your other posts, but you are at least ending it with honor. So many of both genders resort to adultery. Take pride in you have not added adultery into the mix.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Thank you for the kind responses. I don't have internet access where I am staying so posting for me is hit and miss.

I don't honestly know which came first. He has not been very open about the whole thing which is part of the problem. All he has told me is that ED has been an issue for him on and off most of his adult life. He saw a counselor for awhile but was never committed to it. I told him about six weeks ago that if things didn't change I could not stay. He got an Rx for Viagra. It is still sitting in the medicine cabinet. And then last weekend I found out he had joined yet another porn site and something just broke inside me and I knew that I was finally done.

In every other way he really is a good man and I know he loves me. It isn't the porn that bothers me so much and it isn't the ED that bothers me or even the lack of sex so much as his unwillingness to address it. He thinks I should just be okay with it. I think that is what hurts the most. He likes sex just not with me.

Anyway....I am rambling.

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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The first thing that a counselor will ask regarding a client with ED ...."is there any porn use?"

It doesn't mean that porn always causes ED. ED can be caused by a variety of issues.

However, excessive use of porn often produces the side effect of ED.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Yes the counselor he briefly saw immediately told him to cut out the porn. That lasted maybe three days. He just took it further underground. My sense is that it started as performance anxiety and the porn use has exacerbated the problem. That's really just a guess though 




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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Well, my sister has a real estate agent coming in next week to clean and make repairs and start showing the house. She said I could stay there until it sells , but I really don't want to be there while she is showing it. So I am going back to our house on Sunday night. He has agreed to move into the guest room. We have just had a couple of text messages back and forth since I left. In one he said that he hopes we can discuss things when I come back and he "will do what I want". I am not sure what he meant by that, but if he meant that he will do what I want so that I will stay...what I want is for him to want me. And I don't think that is something he can just decide to do...just more evidence that he really doesn't understand what this is all about. I told him I am not up to discussing anything other than making legal decisions and deciding what we need to do with the house. Neither one of us wants to stay there.

The irony is that I have pretty much lost any kind of physical desire for him. Unless you are some psycho stalker who gets off on being ignored, a person can only take so much rejection/disinterest before they start feeling the same and also lose that attraction. But I don't think he understands that it is really not about the physical act so much, it is more about what the lack of the physical act implies. 

Does that even make sense?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Completely. It is not just you who sees it that way.

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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

So I went to my stepdaughters bridal shower today. Hung out with my husband's ex's husband (ex spouse in law?) drinking mimosas all afternoon. That was fun 

Got back to my sisters and found a note from the real estate agent...painters and cleaners coming tomorrow. I've been evicted. Going home. This should be interesting.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Yes I felt the same way. If he pushes for another chance and you can do with at least grave doubts and not to pacify him. Read and print put @DayOne thread. The issues in his marriage while very different show a long and grueling journey of over a year. Delete all IDs and tell him: We will separate for a year, I will work on building a new life, but if you can keep a journal for a year and see a IC/MC individually for nine months and the spend 3 months working with me and the MC I will agree neither of us date or socialize or remove our wedding band.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Things at home have been surprising pleasant. Mostly staying out of each other's way but he has been respectful and considerate. 

He did tell me that he got an offer from a friend for free tickets to a show for a performer we both enjoy. He usually comes thru town every year and we go but when I saw tickets when on sale this year I never mentioned it . Anyway he asked if I was interested an I said no. I could tell he was disappointed. We do have tickets to another show in a couple of weeks for a guy he loves. Not sure what to do about those. I may suggest he take his younger daughter. She is also a big fan but lives 3 hours away.

I am really starting to dread his (older) daughters wedding. They are doing a destination wedding in Florida about 8 hours from us. There are going to be several days of prewedding events the week prior for family and the wedding party. I am thinking about making work an excuse and driving down myself or with my daughter and son in law on Friday. Even under the best of circumstances these types of things with his ex and his side of family are awkward for me. Their divorce was fairly amicable and his mom and siblings have much more history with her. It is like a family reunion and I feel a bit out of place. Nobody's fault just the way those things go. I really hope my daughter can go so I at least have someone to talk to.

I snooped on his phone earlier and saw a series of text messages with his bff of thirty five years. He lives 3 hours away so don't see each other often but are closer than brothers and have been through some serious sh#t together. The convo started out just basketball chit chat and then H said he really hoped Bff makes it to the wedding he needs to talk him because "keep it to yourself but I think I have fuc#ed up another marriage". Didn't see a response from Bff but I am glad H is reaching out to him. He is a great guy and I have alot of respect for him.

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How about just skipping the wedding?


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

jld said:


> How about just skipping the wedding?


That is an option I have considered, but it would be my very last one. I do care about my stepdaughter and I think it would really hurt her if I didn't go. Plus, I want to see her get married. I just wish I could go as a regular guest.

My stepdaughter is very much a worrier and adores her Dad. It wouldn't be fair to drop something like this on her now and if I made up some other excuse for not going, it would just hurt her feelings.

It would also put H in an awkward position and pretty much ruin the whole event for him. I told him from the start that I was fine with keeping this between us until after the wedding. I don't see the point in stirring up hurt feelings and drama if not necessary.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Can I ask how many years you have been married? You are very fortunate to have some place to go to give yourself time to sort things thru.

I am in your same situation except my husband does not have ED. Porn use for my husband started when he was a teen. He sought his satisfaction thru porn instead of asking girls out. He lusted from afar feeling he would be rejected and I think it angered him that he felt these girls would not be interested. Those thought processes have never changed unfortunately and as an adult he became a heavier porn user, collecting boxes of magazines, had the Playboy channel. His first marriage last 4 years. I don't think it was just the porn use that destroyed it, he too is a heavy drinker and does not communicate well. He wants control and he wants you to please him without being told how. He expects his women to manage the relationship and to go to him for sex, again I think it is the rejection level. I think too he has a fear of getting to close so you get this feeling of come close/stay away. 

When I met him we had both been divorced awhile and he had not dated at all but again he was very caught up in porn. My first flag.....I did not know about porn addiction and had no idea that a man would choose to please himself with porn instead of going to his wife for intimacy. It was me that pursued him and he kept his distance. I would ask him if he wanted to be with me and if he loved me (this was before we ever married) and he would reassure me. I had no idea what passive-aggressive was but I have lived it with this man. I have read many books on the subject, my counselors have all said he is PA and he matches the description to a T.

It has not been a good life. He had his first emotional affair in the first year we were married. he already was not putting time into his marriage but then he started seeking the attention and getting caught up in fantasies over other women. Once we had internet in '94 his porn addiction became an all time high. We have been to many counselors and they all tell him to stop, try to help but he easily falls back into his habits. He does not get that I have been emotionally wounded by his behavior and that the trust is gone. He expects me to rebound into the naive person I was before and start going to him for sex again and when I don't he takes that as a rejection and falls right back to his old habits. We have talked but he doesn't get it. he thinks the solution to our bad marriage is for us to sleep in the same bed and have sex. His connection to women is sex. I could do just what he wants but it won't stop the porn use or him seeking other women thru porn or trying to get them to engage in his jokes and conversation. He has had 3 emotional affairs that he admits to and who knows what all has actually taken place. 

I am currently working with an attorney but have not told him yet that I want a divorce. Our youngest is still at home and college classes for her this year finish next month so I plan to wait til then.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

AVR1962, we have been married 4 years. Together 7.

I have found no evidence that he has "gone live"...so to speak...with the porn usage. That would have been a deal breaker much earlier than this for me.

The ED was pretty apparent from the beginning of our relationship...and it honestly did not bother me. We made things work other ways and I had no doubt that he was attracted to me. We had a semi-long distance relationship the first 2 years and pretty much saw each other only on the weekends, so I wasn't even aware of any porn use for quite a while. It wasn't until we moved in together (long story how that actually happened, but it wasn't something that we really had planned to do) that both his porn use and drinking became obvious to me. By that time the physical relationship had cooled considerably. I know everyone thinks "then why did you marry him"...there seems to be a lot of that on this board. But without going into my whole background...my first marriage was very emotionally and psychologically abusive. It took me several years to deprogram from that. Despite our troubles in this area, my H is an exceptionally considerate, supportive good natured man.That felt so good after what I had been through and I really thought that I could deal with no sex life. Everything else about our relationship has been easy and comfortable and loving. Even addressing his drinking was that way, because he was not defensive about it and was willing to open up to me and allowed me to support him in his sobriety. Everything he is not willing to do with the porn problem. If it wasn't for the porn, I think there is a chance that I could stay without sex. I am not insensitive to the ED issue and if that was all that was keeping him from being intimate, I think I could deal with that. It is being replaced with porn that is the problem. It is also resentment that he has developed a "work around" for himself, but doesn't consider that it leaves me no options but to be celibate my whole life or cheat. As time has gone on, I have been less and less able to handle the resentment and the regular reminders of how little he wants me. 

I don't know if any of this helps you or not. I believe that my H's issues stem from a very deep seated and severe fear of intimacy and related performance anxiety, but he has shut me out of any real understanding of where it comes from and supporting him in overcoming it. Some honesty and transparency from him on that would go a long way with me. It sounds like your H may have some of the same internal issues but expresses them in a more PA and angry way. I am sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything else.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Well, had an extremely intense discussion last night. Probably the most honesty and transparency he has ever offered the whole time we have been together. He was quite broken. 

I tried to walk fine line between being compassionate but also stick to my guns. I told him where we go from here is entirely up to him. I told him what I expected the "end game" to be, but how we get there was totally up to him. I will be willing to help depending on what he needs, but everything needs to be at his own initiative whether it is counseling or seeing different medical doctors or whatever he thinks he needs to do. Right now, more than anything what I need is assurance that he actually desires a normal, loving sex life. And I can't have security with that if I am the one driving all the effort. It has to be him doing it. For financial reasons, neither one of us can leave until end of summer at the earliest, so we made that kind of a deadline. Not that we have to be fully recovered by then, but I need to at least know that he is actively, wholeheartedly trying. He asked for specific examples of what I would consider to be trying and I thought that was fair enough. I am working on that. In the meantime, we will continue to live essentially as roommates but agreed no dating. 

So we'll see. Part of me wishes that I had just waited until I could afford to just leave.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

I am sorry you hurt, I was on the other side of that not too long ago. I felt a crushing hurt. At least you were honest and straight forward, I found out that I was being kicked to the curb AND that she had a f***buddy already.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Ramble on! Porn sites?!?! Wow, seems to me that being cuddled up to a woman who loves me is infinitely more desirable-but that is just me. Too bad my (soon to be) ex didn't see things that way... She seems to have confusing "frakking" (Sci-Fi nerd, sorry) with "love making." Sorry, just a little hurt and bitter.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, believe it or not, you have done the hard part in telling him. That is the worst. As far as him making serious changes is concerned, do you really think there is a chance that you could ever really want him again? If not, then let him off the hook and he can do his own thing. I ask because I know for myself, having been there as far as being DONE, that's it, I was DONE. My feelings were just...dead. I knew this, and knew there was nothing in the world my ex(s) could possibly have done or said that would make me stay. So like I said, if this is where you are, then just let him be, for his sake.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Good answer, thanks. Me, I am just now wrapping my head around the fact that the divorce is NOT MY FAULT! I have been loving, faithful, devoted, caring, helping (around the house, etc.), and the kind of guy that held her hair when she puked and (without complaint) cleaned up after. Yes I made my share of mistakes but I always loved and gave all to her. I could not change-anymore than I could ever hate her. One can only do so much...


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Thanks for the replies. We have been living pretty much separate lives. He sleeps in the guest room...l spend alot of time at the gym and keep to myself when I am home but it hasn't been too awkward or unpleasant. He didn't tell me what it was but he did tell me he'd been "working on what he needed to". I have seen a subtle change in him, less defensive.

We had a friend die unexpectedly on Monday . the funeral is Friday about two hours from here. Several of our old friends from college will be there and are planning to stay the weekend. Not quite The Big Chill...but close. He knows I'm tight on money now and offered to pay for my own hotel room for me if I wanted to stay the weekend. I think I will just drive back Friday night. He is staying the weekend it will be nice to have the house to myself.



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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

wringo123 said:


> Aine, there is definitely something deeper wrong. He suffers from pretty severe psychological ED and refuses to address it. Instead he has turned to heavy porn use and apparently I am supposed to be okay with that.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


I think it's the other way around. He used porn and it caused ED.

Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction (2014) | Your Brain On Porn

High Fructose Porn Syrup | Married Man Sex Life


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

wringo123 said:


> Thanks for the replies. We have been living pretty much separate lives. He sleeps in the guest room...l spend alot of time at the gym and keep to myself when I am home but it hasn't been too awkward or unpleasant. He didn't tell me what it was but he did tell me he'd been "working on what he needed to". I have seen a subtle change in him, less defensive.
> 
> We had a friend die unexpectedly on Monday . the funeral is Friday about two hours from here. Several of our old friends from college will be there and are planning to stay the weekend. Not quite The Big Chill...but close. He knows I'm tight on money now and offered to pay for my own hotel room for me if I wanted to stay the weekend. I think I will just drive back Friday night. He is staying the weekend it will be nice to have the house to myself.
> 
> ...


Seems like your done. Why lead him on trying to jump through hoops thinking he might have a chance. If you were still vested you would have taken his offer or better yet stayed with him in his room and see if there is anything left.

I say stick a fork in it. Call it a day.


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## Bon242 (Apr 7, 2016)

I think you did the right thing. Always do what your heart says.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Bon242 said:


> I think you did the right thing. Always do what your heart says.


 @Bon242 That is not always the best advice. Most often you do what your head or gut says. Your heart often points in the wrong direction.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Bon242 said:


> Always do what your heart says.


Umm, "always"? You've obviously never experienced the fog.

I would recommend you NOT do this. There is a time and place to listen to your heart and a time and place to listen to your head.

Oh, and then there's your gut. Ignore that one at your peril.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Just wanted to touch base and thank everybody for their perspective. Things here are odd...I think he is seeing a counselor and maybe even doing his own 180. Not sure what to think. I am feeling a bit disoriented.

The funeral weekend was strange. Long story that needs alot of background to understand. Not really up to going into the whole thing tonight but would like to share maybe tomorrow to get some outside perspective. Right now I just wanted to say how much I appreciate this forum. I don't post much, but I read alot and have found a lot of insight and wisdom here.



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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

ED and Porn use. That's a new one on me. What does he do while he's watching porn?

:scratchhead:

Make sure he's 100% on-board before you take him back. Too soon and he's back to old habits again. 

So he can get it up for videos but not you? Is that how it works?

Are there women in the porn he watches?


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