# early stages of emotional affair...?



## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi,

I hate that I feel I have to post this, but I would love to hear some different perspectives on my situation.

I think my wife is in the early stages of an emotional affair via facebook. I noticed that she had been acting strange around me the last few days (i.e., very aloof, easily irritated, overly sensitive). 

One day she left her facebook open on our iPad and, because of her change in behavior, I thought I'd take a peek. Almost all of it was uneventful, but I noticed an exchange of facebook messages with a guy who's married, who she doesn't have any other connections with (no mutual friends, not in same line of work, etc.). I have no idea who this guy is or how they met. Anyway, the messages are mostly harmless, especially on her part, but his messages get quite flirtatious. Honestly, I find his messages upsetting and not something a married man she be writing (let alone to a married woman), but she doesn't say he should stop. 

I non-confrontationally asked her last night if everything was okay with us. If she was okay. She told me everything was fine. I told her she's been acting different, and looking at me different--that she didn't have that loving look in her eye she normally has. In a monotone voice she told me everything is fine. I explained her actions and body language tell me otherwise, but she held her position. I didn't mention the facebook messages. 

I checked again today and all of the messages to and from him had been deleted. She didn't have any other changes to any of the other conversations on there (I forwarded the messages to/from him to myself to preserve any "evidence"). I think I find this the most disconcerting thing--that now she's trying to remove any evidence of her communications with him. 

What should I do? Should I continue sitting quietly and see where this goes? Should I confront her about this guy? I've thought about randomly asking about him in a casual way, but there's nothing to suggest I should even know this guy exists (they never post on each other's walls). Any help would be appreciated! 

I tried to keep this short, so I realize there may be some more info needed. If so, please ask and I'll supply it. Thanks!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Not just friends...start here

Infidelity Q & A - Dr. Shirley Glass

Dr. Shirley Glass - Quiz: Is your On-Line Friendship Too Friendly?


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Okay, that quiz was eye-opening. Now what? Do I confront her immediately or try to gather more evidence? Right now I have nothing that suggests they've taken it beyond facebook (texting, email, etc.).


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I dont know about you personally but when I find something its very hard for me not to say something. If I keep my mouth shut I end up getting angry and eventually blowing up about it.

If you are able to keep quiet and keep gathering evidence you should, that would be your best bet. You can tell from her actions that she is going to delete and hide what little bit she thinks you might have already found, if there is more she will work harder at hiding it.


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## I want to smile again (Nov 29, 2012)

You need to TALK to her, she may not be cheating, but harmless conversations eventually will lead to cheating.
You love your wife, so be honest with her, and tell her exactly what you read and what she did and why you read her exchange between her married male "friend".


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

LetDown: that's exactly my concern. I must admit I'm close to boiling over. I'm having trouble focusing on other things now. However, I feel if I confront her now with what I have she'll turn this around on me, and she might find other ways to continue it. Then again, if I don't confront her she may take it down a path from which we can never return...

She used to always be available on gchat, which is how we primarily communicate during the work day. Now she's always "offline."


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> Okay, that quiz was eye-opening. Now what? Do I confront her immediately or try to gather more evidence? Right now I have nothing that suggests they've taken it beyond facebook (texting, email, etc.).


read this also..
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

As far as confrontation, what do really know for sure at this point, she is talking to someone on-line you dont know the depth of it, one way or the other..and she delted the messages...

Soon some of the others will be popping in to give some advice...

I suggest you read it all, take what will work for you and apply that.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

always better to attack EA's earlier than later imo

since you have enough proof (and if it is fairly evident it isn't physical) I say to confront soon 

since it isn't a full blown EA yet I highly suggest you make it about boundaries instead of flat out saying she is cheating


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

ihatefacebook said:


> LetDown: that's exactly my concern. I must admit I'm close to boiling over. I'm having trouble focusing on other things now. However, I feel if I confront her now with what I have she'll turn this around on me, and she might find other ways to continue it. Then again, if I don't confront her she may take it down a path from which we can never return...
> 
> She used to always be available on gchat, which is how we primarily communicate during the work day. Now she's always "offline."


Its a tough place to be in. Do you think she might be texting the person also? Can you get phone records to check?

I cant believe I didnt think of this while ago...its the first thing most mention. Get a keylogger and put it on the computer.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

as I read more I do think you need a little more investigating

damn ipads are tough to get info from tho


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't say a word to your wife and find out who this guy so you you can find out who his wife is. Then contact the OMW (Other Mans Wife) and inform her that your wife and her husband have been flirting and you want her support in ending this before it gets out of hand.

The OM (Other Man) will tell your wife, she willbe pissed at you and give you all kinds of labels like "controling" "jealous" even "insecure". Respond to her by letting her know that you are protecting the marriage and you will not control her and if she chooses to continue the EA then she knows were the door is.

You need to let her know that you will no longer share her with anothe man, that these are your boundries and if these boundries are crossed there will be consequences.

You can't nice your way out of this so don't try, expose this to OMW and while the OM throws your wife under the bus to save his own marriage your wife will see OM true self.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> as I read more I do think you need a little more investigating
> 
> :iagree:
> May be pulling the trigger to soon, The OM man is trying to ramp it up and she hasnt responded to that. (or it appears that way)
> ...


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I understand your wife. This guy is flirting with her, how often do YOU flirt with her? Do you make her feel appreciated or has it become more roomatish? I think at this stage it's not an EA but I think she's wondering if there's more to life. Chick flicks have ruined it for us.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Struggling: thanks for the helpful links and advice. I'm thinking deeply about all of it. I want to make sure I've studied all of the angles before I do anything to make things worse.

Iwanttosmile: thank you. That will probably be the course I take. I need to figure out the best way to do it, though. 

Almost: I like the boundaries idea. The issue I'm having is how do I revisit this when I've already asked her about her different behavior and we've already discussed emotional affairs (after we talked about her ex-husband's infidelities while they were married).


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Time for a keylogger on the PC

Also get copies of her cell phone records and look for a lot of texts/calls to one or two numbers you don'r recognize


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the responses so far. It's getting hard to respond individually. 

kipani: I regularly tell her how beautiful she is. She feels fat and ugly right now because two months ago she came off her birth control (we're trying to have a kid).

Unfortunately, Sprint does not keep text logs. I check the call log and everything looks normal. She does almost all of her facebooking on her phone, though. She takes it everywhere, in the bathroom, bedroom, wherever, it virtually never leaves her side. 

Facebook does not say who the OM's wife is.


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## mochamom (Nov 28, 2012)

I want to smile again said:


> You need to TALK to her, she may not be cheating, but harmless conversations eventually will lead to cheating.
> You love your wife, so be honest with her, and tell her exactly what you read and what she did and why you read her exchange between her married male "friend".


This says it all... if you love her, follow those suggestions. I know, this is exactly how it happened with me, and if my husband had not have questioned me about my behavior (the EXACT same way your wife is acting now). I would have been in a full blown affair. He saved our marriage.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> Struggling: thanks for the helpful links and advice. I'm thinking deeply about all of it. I want to make sure I've studied all of the angles before I do anything to make things worse.
> 
> Iwanttosmile: thank you. That will probably be the course I take. I need to figure out the best way to do it, though.
> 
> Almost: I like the boundaries idea. The issue I'm having is how do I revisit this when I've already asked her about her different behavior and we've already discussed emotional affairs (after we talked about her ex-husband's infidelities while they were married).


You are welcome, you sound like someone who's semi got thier head on straight (who really does?) Keep it there, dont loose your cool...

*but his messages get quite flirtatious. Honestly, I find his messages upsetting and not something a married man she be writing (let alone to a married woman), but she doesn't say he should stop*. 



Yes it is all about boundaries...and the guy cleary has none


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

If I were you I would try to get more info, there is no way you can question her about this other guy without giving up the fact you looked at her fb. Once you do, she will immediately go underground and you will have a much harder time finding anything of any significance. Right now you dont have really much to go on at all other than the fact she had a conversation on facebook.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

roostr said:


> If I were you I would try to get more info, there is no way you can question her about this other guy without giving up the fact you looked at her fb. Once you do, she will immediately go underground and you will have a much harder time finding anything of any significance. Right now you dont have really much to go on at all other than the fact she had a conversation on facebook.


That's exactly my concern. My problem is I don't know how much more of this I can take before I burst...

Struggling: thanks for the semi-compliment.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> Hi,
> 
> I hate that I feel I have to post this, but I would love to hear some different perspectives on my situation.
> 
> ...


I would ask her who this guy is. 

Ultimately you will be wanting her to unfriend him and block him.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

mochamom said:


> This says it all... if you love her, follow those suggestions. I know, this is exactly how it happened with me, and if my husband had not have questioned me about my behavior (the EXACT same way your wife is acting now). I would have been in a full blown affair. He saved our marriage.


Thank you for this anecdote! Can you tell me how he confronted you? What did he say? How did you respond? If you've already posted this somewhere, you can send me a link if that would be easier. Thanks!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> That's exactly my concern. My problem is I don't know how much more of this I can take before I burst...
> 
> Struggling: thanks for the semi-compliment.



It's to easy to assume the worst, at this point you dont know it all, It does needs nipped in the bud, but you need to do that the right way...NO BURSTING, anger or into tears either...

She's your wife you know her better than anyone, what does your gut tell you... deep down.

Entropy3000 has this stuff spot on, read some of his posts..click on his user name and you can follow links to his other posts


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Can you jail break the ipad?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

As one who believes in transparency and one who has been in an EA I say do not wait. Do not attack but find out what this is about. Then discuss boundaries. I suggest you do His Needs Her Needs and set some boundaries.

EAs can explode overnight. You need to know who this guy is. You also need to have the type of relationship where you can talk about this stuff. So do it.

My wife saved our marriage by doing this.

Understand that this does not have to be about cheating at all. In fact DO NOT ACCUSE HER OF CHEATING. This is a boundary issue.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Deep down: I think she's going to be angry that I "invaded her privacy," and deny that she's done/doing anything wrong. Ultimately, I think OM is much more in the wrong, but my wife needs to know her behavior isn't okay either.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> As one who believes in transparency and one who has been in an EA I say do not wait. Do not attack but find out what this is about. Then discuss boundaries. I suggest you do His Needs Her Needs and set some boundaries.
> 
> EAs can explode overnight. You need to know who this guy is. You also need to have the type of relationship where you can talk about this stuff. So do it.
> 
> My wife saved our marriage by doing this.


Entropy: thanks for the advice. What did your wife say to you? How did you react?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> Deep down: I think she's going to be angry that I "invaded her privacy," and deny that she's done/doing anything wrong.


The only prviacy in a marriage is in the bathroom. So far she hasnt done anything ok..but the other guy has!!! so why is that ok?

Question, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would your wife react?


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Can you jail break the ipad?


Maybe? But I don't know what jail break means.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> Deep down: I think she's going to be angry that I "invaded her privacy," and deny that she's done/doing anything wrong.


How inappropriate are the guy's conversation ? Do you have these conversations saved in case she denies them ? 

It could well be that she was deleting the much risque conversations earlier too but got extra careful when you confronted her about it..

Does she use the home computer ? It is easier to install keyloggers on the PC. Any chance the ipad will shipped off to a service center for a few days because of some problems ?


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> The only prviacy in a marriage is in the bathroom. So far she hasnt done anything ok..but the other guy has!!! so why is that ok?
> 
> Question, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would your wife react?


No doubt she'd be hurt and angry. I have a password code on my phone, but I've told her it several times and let her go through my fine. She also routinely asks who girls are on facebook that have posted on my wall. In hindsight, this appears to be the classic "cheater accusing the other of cheating."


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> Maybe? But I don't know what jail break means.


That was what I feared.. 

Can you follow the instructions here ?

Untethered Jailbreak iPhone/iPad/iTouch iOS 5.1.1 | iJailbreakGuide.com ?

It will something similar to this


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> How inappropriate are the guy's conversation ? Do you have these conversations saved in case she denies them ?
> 
> It could well be that she was deleting the much risque conversations earlier too but got extra careful when you confronted her about it..
> 
> Does she use the home computer ? It is easier to install keyloggers on the PC. Any chance the ipad will shipped off to a service center for a few days because of some problems ?


We each have our own laptops. However, she does almost everything on her phone. It was readily apparent that she routinely deletes messages from him, as the conversation history I found was mid-conversation--he was clearly responding to something she sent him.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ihatefacebook said:


> Deep down: I think she's going to be angry that I "invaded her privacy," and deny that she's done/doing anything wrong. Ultimately, I think OM is much more in the wrong, but my wife needs to know her behavior isn't okay either.


In a perfect world your wife would smile at you, agree with you and defriend OM.
But we are not in a perfect world and the good thing about her getting angry is that you are doing a good job in making her fantasy inconvienent to continue. You will know the madder she gets the better job you are doing in protecting the marriage.

It suck to watch as they bang there head on the ground, scream, and cry when they can't have what they want.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

ihatefacebook said:


> Deep down: I think she's going to be angry that I "invaded her privacy," and deny that she's done/doing anything wrong. Ultimately, I think OM is much more in the wrong, but my wife needs to know her behavior isn't okay either.


If someone has nothing to hide, they don't mind these "invasions". 

(background... I was the betrayed partner, long time ago. current husband is a great guy, no unfaithfulness or hiding crap)

Other night DH wanted to look something up on internet. His Smart phone was charging.

Me: "Here, use mine."

Him: "uh, what's the code"

Me: "Like this." (show him the pattern to open it)

[DH surfs for his answer, then reads a few other things, then hands it back]

Me: [watches TV, helps child with socks, unconcerned]

That is how people act when there is nothing to hide. 

~

What's she hiding? Something you are not privy to. This relationship is already past boundaries if she is getting rid of the evidence.

If the other man is that important, there are already 3 ppl in the relationship. If she is nurturing the friendship and feelings for the OM, she's not nurturing the friendship with you.

I would be very, very cautious about making a baby with someone who's got her mind on someone else whilst she's supposedly trying to become a parent with you.

Red flags. lots of them


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Foghorn: the scenario you just described is exactly the way it works when she uses my phone. I seldom, if ever, even touch her phone. 

And the fact that she's deleting the conversations, especially right after I discussed these things with her makes me sick to my stomach.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> Entropy: thanks for the advice. What did your wife say to you? How did you react?


Long story short, she saw the exchanges in email as inappropriate. Since I was in an EA I thought we were just good friends. I listened to my wife. Even ended up changing jobs over this. After I went through withdrawal I saw she was right. 

We later did His Needs her Needs. Learned a bunch.

That was back almost 15 years ago. It shook me up. Why? Because I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing. I was wrong. This has to do with brain chemicals.

Soooooo. The best way IMO for you to proceed is for you to engage this with her in a loving manner.
This does not mean accept her having a relationship with another man. EAs are for the most part very innocent looking. BUT they must be dealt with early. 

I mean, hey. Who is this guy? That matters a whole lot. In any event it may be that she must go NC with him however the reason it matters is that it will tell you so much. 

We could speculate how she knows him but just ask.

Remeber there is no privacy in a marriage. Not when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex.

Good luck. I would not wait.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

ihatefacebook said:


> Foghorn: the scenario you just described is exactly the way it works when she uses my phone. I seldom, if ever, even touch her phone.
> 
> And the fact that she's deleting the conversations, especially right after I discussed these things with her makes me sick to my stomach.


Yeah, I feel you. It's damning behavior.

All the more reason to do your homework and try to nip it in the bud (before it goes full-blown PA, if it hasn't already).

I'm pulling for you. Best of luck.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Struck a nerve with me..... as mentioned above...online EA's do seem to "explode" into a full blown addiction out of no where. There is something supernatural about the way they progress.....uncanny. Take heed and don't downplay it. My spouse went from "hey where are you from?....to I'm in love and want to leave my life and run off with her within a two week time frame. It's the black tar heroin of online addictions IMHO. 

Keeping her phone under guard and deleting evidence combined with her suspicious behavior is all the evidence you need. 

I screwed up when I confronted because I was actually joking and had no idea.... it wasn't until that moment that I confronted him that I actually suspected something. If I had been on the ball, I would have been smarter about it. 

Lucky for me, when I made my "joke"....."hey are you screwing around on me via the internet because you seemed obsessed with it today"....he fessed up right then...joy of joys!!! Then he promptly ran upstairs and deleted all the chat logs and evidence so couldn't read their love stories. Maybe it was best that way...less to be haunted by. 

At any rate..... blow this up and out.....the most common mistake that all suspecting spouses make is refusing to expose. Exposing is the key to ending it.....it shines a light on the behavior and reality crashes in fast. 

No begging....expose, use a scorch the earth method and then if she is remorseful you repair.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

I plan on bringing it up this evening. I plan on being non-confrontational, loving, respectful, and concerned for our marriage. 

Is it normal to be sick to my stomach with nerves? I feel like I'm about to vomit...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ihatefacebook said:


> I plan on bringing it up this evening. I plan on being non-confrontational, loving, respectful, and concerned for our marriage.
> 
> Is it normal to be sick to my stomach with nerves? I feel like I'm about to vomit...


Good stay as focused and calm as you can and do not let her blame you tell her you can't control her but you can control what you will put up with. No more deleted texts or she moves out.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

you dont have a lot of time. there is no steady progression to an EA, it could flip to true emotional attachment at any time.


If you dont know how to broach the topic - here are some suggestions. Note that the best approach is the outright blunt and honest one, but as others have said, we dont live in an ideal world, and I also see that you are worried how your wife will react to your "intrusion" on her FB. 

So that said - here is another way -

Is there any way at all you can look up OMW? look at his friends, his locations, how your circle connects to his. Get that name first. Even if you cant get contact details, at least get the name - say you find it is "June"

Once you have that, you should log into her FB (ask her to do it) and ask her who this guy is. If she doesnt do the log in, say you had an interesting call from someone you dont know called June. You couldnt speak to her, but she left a vmail and sent you some texts. She sounded angry about something her husband said to your wife. 

Dont play this up. Use it to open the conversation and to get the texts introduced.

OR

If you were unable to find the OMW name, just say you got a call from an irate woman saying bad things about your wife and OM which you didnt really catch since the connection was weak. So who is this OM? How do you know him? If she denies knowing the name, say that the woman who called also sent some texts -you can bring those up (keep a hardcopy ready). What is going on?
________

Again, my preferred approach is the upfront and blunt one. But use above as you will...


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## Doingmybest (Oct 2, 2012)

It's important to kill the EA. You seem to get that, and keep believing that is true. I caught my wife in the early stages of an EA, and, after hedging around in a "I'm an unthreatened 21st century man and trust my wife" fog, I realized that I was making a huge mistake and insisted she stop communication.

There is no doubt for either of us now that this was the right thing to have done (D-day was back in August).

In your case, if your spouse is being cagey, I think you need to get more info before further confrontation - unless it starts taking too long. Don't let the EA continue too long; once she admits to herself she has feelings for the OM she will start concocting reasons you are a terrible husband.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

P.S. in either approach I gave you, there is no downside - what will your wife or OM do? confront OMW? how? what will they tell her? If they are dumb enough to do so, that works to your advantage.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Irrespective of either approach mentioned in my post, dont confuse these with exposure to OMW. What I gave you were conversation starters with your wife. You should still do what needs to be done for contacting OMW.

P.S. drop the wife's phone in the bath. or forget it somewhere where a truck can run over it.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

ihatefacebook said:


> I plan on bringing it up this evening. I plan on being non-confrontational, loving, respectful, and concerned for our marriage.
> 
> Is it normal to be sick to my stomach with nerves? I feel like I'm about to vomit...


Yes, it's normal. It's scary.

Listen, I approve of your plan to be respectful and loving. That's good. 

But don't go all "beta". Don't be a doormat. There are only room for two in a marriage. She needs to choose one of you. Refuse to be her back-up plan. And she can't get both of you - the security of her marriage plus the thrill of the affair - at the same time. That's called "Cake eating". Not ok.

Don't take any crap about how you're invading her privacy, cramping her style, or any of the rest of that defensive shiat. That's "Blameshifting". She will try to blame you, because she was behaving badly. It's not acceptable.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd take a little time to get my head in a good place before confronting (like one more day?) but that's just me.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> I plan on bringing it up this evening. I plan on being non-confrontational, loving, respectful, and concerned for our marriage.
> 
> Is it normal to be sick to my stomach with nerves? I feel like I'm about to vomit...


Can't really say how this might turn out.. She might take it further underground and without the evidence, you can't do anything..You have to take her words at face value. While normally this is a good way to solve issues, if she is indeed cheating on you, lying about it won't be a problem.

What about this guy ? Do you plan to talk to him after your talk with your wife ?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I personally wouldn't wait to confront. Put a stop to it before it even begins to look like any kind of EA! Why wait until she's head over heals and its too late. 
Say 'honey you left you FB profile open the other day and I took a look. Who is this guy you are messaging' . See how she responds. Then tell her you don't like it and she must stop!
Her FB page shouldn't be locked from you anyway. Transparency is crucial to a successful relationship. I learnt the hard way! Don't let this go on! It'll only take a couple of weeks and she'll be giving you the lybnilwy speech!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And what phone does she have ?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

daggeredheart said:


> ...online EA's do seem to "explode" into a full blown addiction out of no where. There is something supernatural about the way they progress.....uncanny. Take heed and don't downplay it. My spouse went from "hey where are you from?....to I'm in love and want to leave my life and run off with her within a two week time frame. It's the black tar heroin of online addictions IMHO.
> 
> .


This is sooooo true! Don't wait! My WH went from "everything is fine - I love you - we are good" to "I don't love you anymore and don't want to spend the next 15 years of my life unhappy. I deserve to be happy. I tried to make a list of reasons why I still love you and can't think of any" (very harsh words - if you wait, you may hear them to) all in 8 weeks (although he was already gone before those 8 weeks - made EA a PA after 5 weeks of online chat and texting and skyping. Makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it - please don't wait - would hate to see you have to experience that. 

Approach her by saying - "Hey, I know you said we are good, but I want you to know why I asked. You left open your FB account and I saw flirty texts between you and another guy. When I asked you how we were, I didn't mention the texts, but you felt a need to delete them. Please tell me who this man is and why you are flirting with him and why you immediately deleted the messages. I want want to give you the beneft of the doubt, but in all honesty, I love you, and this feels like an affair waitiing to happenif it is not stopped now."

Just my $0.02 from a BS who's worst nightmare started talking to my husband of 15.5 years and 2 children later on Facebook. I hate it too.

An affair will make your spouse the cruelest person you have ever met. They won't think twice about cutting your heart out once they are in a full blown affair. Do not wait.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

I hate Facebook too. My wife did the same thing. Got to be friends with someone on Facebook. By the time I discovered that the conversations had turned inappropriate, she'd started hiding things, lying, etc. I played nice and listened to her explain that he was just an old friend. Yeah, right. I shouldn't have been nice. I should have put my foot down and had her end it right there. Now? Ex-wife !!!! Don't be a fool, don't let it continue. End the facebook contact.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

in case you're wondering, ihfb, the "lybnilwy speech" = 

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

Means the A has gone so far as to produce alienation of affection.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Thank you, everyone, for all of your stories and advice. The "explosion" people keep mentioning fills me with resolve, but also an undying dread. 

W and OM have 1 facebook friend in common. OM's wife is not on facebook, and the only mention of her is by one of OM's friends who said he can't wait to meet her. No name or other information about her that I've been able to find. 

Someone above said something about trying to be 21st century and cool with it. I tried that for the last few days and the only thing it's done is make her feel okay and me sick. I have to bring this up now.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Warlock: she has a Samsung Galaxy SII.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Don't be cool with it! It could cost you your marriage!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Doingmybest (Oct 2, 2012)

ihatefacebook said:


> Someone above said something about trying to be 21st century and cool with it. I tried that for the last few days and the only thing it's done is make her feel okay and me sick. I have to bring this up now.


That was me. I used it as an example of what NOT to do; I tried it, and eventually realized it was a HUGE mistake.

Don't let your desire to be a "reasonable" guy continue to screw things up; you know this is a problem and need to put a stop to it now.

Just trying to help you keep your resolve! I needed to have it hammered into me.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

I CONFRONTED HER.

I maintained my composure and explained to her what I found, why I was looking for it, and what I needed from her.

As soon as I started she knew exactly what and who I was referring to. She tried to downplay it a little by saying the emails were silly and benign and that he was always the initiator. I told her it wasn't silly to me, and that I couldn't accept them communicating going forward. She agreed and volunteered to cease communication and unfriend him. I asked her to do it right then and there, in front of me. I also asked that she send a message to him explaining why they would no longer be facebook friends. It took some gentle convincing but she messaged him and unfriended him. 

Thank you to everyone for the advice, stories, and support. I probably would not have gone through with it if I hadn't come here first. For anyone in the future who goes through a similar situation, feel free to ask me any questions.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Now your real work begins........ you are not anywhere in the clear yet.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Read up and become informed on the following topics.


Taking it underground

Affair addictions

True remorse

Bidding for connections- or "how do we fix marriage boundaries" 

Vulnerable marriages -- how did we let our guard down? 

They've tasted the forbidden fruit does that mean rinse and repeat or was it truly a one time event?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Can you jail break the ipad?


yeas ou can..Do you want the link.. pm if so


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Honestly, the taking it underground part is the part that scares me the most. Now that she knows I know her facebook password, even if she doesn't change it she'll either find another medium or try to be even more careful (if she insists on doing this again).

I really need to find a way to track her text messaging. Sprint is useless in this regard. She has a Samsung Galaxy SII. Any thoughts? 

p.s.: am I being too distrustful by already planning on her doing it again? When does this become a self-fulfilling prophecy?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ihatefacebook said:


> Deep down: I think she's going to be angry that I "invaded her privacy," and deny that she's done/doing anything wrong.


Your marriage can survive your wife's anger. It can't survive another man.

Get the keylogger on there tonight.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a key logger on her laptop ASAP 

You should also put a var into her car to catch if she is talking with him.

Mean while use spokeo and pipl to find his home and his wife.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or hire a cyber PI to get his family's info.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> I CONFRONTED HER.
> 
> I maintained my composure and explained to her what I found, why I was looking for it, and what I needed from her.
> 
> ...


Wait for "You are making a big deal out of it" when you bring it up again. You made a mistake when you accepted her reason that it was benign.

What did she exactly say in her NC message ?

If you can, talk to the OM on phone and how you will contact his wife with all the evidence if you contact your wife again inappropriately


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Honestly I don't have time to read all of the replies to your post tonight so if this is redundant my apologies. 

I was happily married, contacted on FB by an old GF from HS who I literally had not thought of in 20 years, and 10 days - 10 DAYS!!! - later we were swapping I love you's. 

My only point is to illustrate how fast this can go south on you. Listen to the people here. They know what they are talking about and do not delay.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

ihatefacebook said:


> Honestly, the taking it underground part is the part that scares me the most. Now that she knows I know her facebook password, even if she doesn't change it she'll either find another medium or try to be even more careful (if she insists on doing this again).
> 
> I really need to find a way to track her text messaging. Sprint is useless in this regard. She has a Samsung Galaxy SII. Any thoughts?
> 
> p.s.: am I being too distrustful by already planning on her doing it again? When does this become a self-fulfilling prophecy?


How does your wife know the other man? How long? Does he live nearby? Does your wife ever see him in person?

Who is the mutual friend?

What was her attitude when you confronted? Apologetic? Gave him up easily? Blocked him or just unfriended him?

What about her reaction or what about the whole situation makes you think she might take it underground?

Why was she allowing him to talk like that to her? Why didn't she say anything to discourage it? How does she feel about him?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> I CONFRONTED HER.
> 
> I maintained my composure and explained to her what I found, why I was looking for it, and what I needed from her.
> 
> ...


She needs to block him as well.

So who the heck was he? It matters. Knowing will help us know where she was at and what you need to do.

It is NOT over yet. I suggest you do His Needs Hr Needs and set boundaries together so this does not happen again. Also there needs to be transparency.

But indeed who was he and why were they FB freinds to begin with?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> How does your wife know the other man? How long? Does he live nearby? Does your wife ever see him in person?
> 
> Who is the mutual friend?
> 
> ...


All of this matters.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> Honestly, the taking it underground part is the part that scares me the most. Now that she knows I know her facebook password, even if she doesn't change it she'll either find another medium or try to be even more careful (if she insists on doing this again).
> 
> I really need to find a way to track her text messaging. Sprint is useless in this regard. She has a Samsung Galaxy SII. Any thoughts?
> 
> p.s.: am I being too distrustful by already planning on her doing it again? When does this become a self-fulfilling prophecy?


Prepare for the worse, hope for the best. You will know in a few days if she is emotionally back, though this is sometimes faked.

Send him a message and ask him if his wife knows he is trying to seduce women on facebook.

Put a VAR in her car, most cheaters are caught this way when the BS comes here looking for help.

And if you can afford it have a PI look into it.

I believe she already thought you suspected something and really, you have no idea how deep or serious it was.

If you have any info on him try spokeo.com, also google him and his mutual friend.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

I don't know how much this will be of help to you now, since you have already taken a good course of action. But, please read my story in my "How I Got Here" thread. I feel that I was in a similar position a few years ago. Hopefully you squashed it early.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> Honestly, the taking it underground part is the part that scares me the most. Now that she knows I know her facebook password, even if she doesn't change it she'll either find another medium or try to be even more careful (if she insists on doing this again).
> 
> I really need to find a way to track her text messaging. Sprint is useless in this regard. She has a Samsung Galaxy SII. Any thoughts?
> 
> p.s.: am I being too distrustful by already planning on her doing it again? When does this become a self-fulfilling prophecy?


Try this for her phone. Mobile Spy | Cell Phone Monitoring Software | Smartphone Spy App 

This one for laptop,home pc.


Remote KeyLogger - Software Informer. Remote Keylogger secretly captures everything users do on a computer. You will see what they type, t.... This one is intressting. One of the most impressive features is "chat capturing". Remote Keylogger is one of a few keyloggers that captures both sides of chat conversations of the most popular instant messangers such as AIM, ICQ, MSN and Yahoo! Messenger.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> I CONFRONTED HER.
> 
> I maintained my composure and explained to her what I found, why I was looking for it, and what I needed from her.
> Great, you handled it right, calm, cool, collective.
> ...


Like someone else said now begins the real work, read HSHN, 5LL, and Not just friends, (will help you both come up with boundaries within your marriage)
you will need to figure out the whys to all of what has happened and how to prevent it in the future, maybe IC MC???

If you ignore the core issues thats just rug sweeping, you both cant just get over this, you have to work together to get thru it.., It's your marriage and you love your wife, throw everything you have at it including the kitchen sink..


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

IHATE

Give her a few weeks to hang herself and then check facebook to see if you still have access. That is telling if she changed it or not.

Also get access to her cell.

There can be no secrets between spouses!

Work on that premise alone.

You already know your wife cannot be trusted.

Throw her some rope to see if she hangs herself and judge her by her actions.

HM64


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I agree with those telling you not to let your guard down yet. This stuff dies hard, inspect what you expect. She must block him, MUST!!! You still need to do the key logger/spyware thing. It's too easy to create alternate email addresses and Facebook accounts for them to use to carry on. Statistics say the will not quit, only take it deeper underground. Be vigilant!


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## AngelicaJ (Dec 5, 2012)

Hello, I am responding because I just went through something similar and I know how upsetting it can feel. I have to give a generalized response as I don't know you or your wife, or the specific nature of your relationship. First of all, I will tell you that in my case my "emotional brain" probably over-reacted, making me feel more anxious and upset than I truly needed to be, making it more difficult to think rationally about the situation. If you recognize that in yourself, take some deep breaths or whatever calms your nerves so you can organize your thoughts. Next I would ask how your relationship was before this came up? Any problems/issues? In my own case things have been fine for 10 years without any issues related to other women, so this was new territory. I truly wanted to contain myself because I didn't want to come across as jealous or controlling, but because of the way I was feeling I couldn't. I told him how it made me feel which let to a bit of an argument and a couple days of hard feelings but a few days later and we're joking about it. (He deleted the messages and is no longer responding). I think it would be best to talk to her about the messages but don't accuse her of anything. Just explain how it makes you feel and get communication open. Beyond that don't question her feelings for you as it sometimes pushes people away, but show her you love her, & revive the old sparks and passion. Sometimes conflict can't be avoided. It's a natural part of all relationships. Good Luck. Hope all works out well.


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## Doingmybest (Oct 2, 2012)

ihatefacebook said:


> Honestly, the taking it underground part is the part that scares me the most. Now that she knows I know her facebook password, even if she doesn't change it she'll either find another medium or try to be even more careful (if she insists on doing this again).
> 
> I really need to find a way to track her text messaging. Sprint is useless in this regard. She has a Samsung Galaxy SII. Any thoughts?
> 
> p.s.: am I being too distrustful by already planning on her doing it again? When does this become a self-fulfilling prophecy?


Great job! First step done, and she seems to have responded fairly well.

Next steps: continue convincing her that online EA's are a threat to your marriage. Hopefully you've got some time before the addiction craving gets too strong, make your points quickly. Google facebook affair, online affair, and show her articles that make the danger clear.

See if you can get her to stop FB entirely, perhaps by only the next couple of week to begin with. My wife handed over password and login to me, and she's thrilled now that she isn't blowing all day online any more.

Increase your quality time with her.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi Everyone,

Sorry for the delayed response. People have asked a lot of probing questions, so I'll attempt to quickly answer them here.

She met the guy at a party several years ago before she and I met. He asked her out at the time (neither were married) and she rejected him. He then added her to facebook. She claims that he always initiated contact, and when she wouldn't respond, he would continue messaging her asking her why she didn't answer him. This continued after he got married. This continued after she and I started dating and got married (of course, I didn't know it at the time). Her explanation for why she was deleting his messages and not messages from others was that if she kept all of his messages she would have literally thousands of messages from him.

Personally, things have been very stressful for me at work. I've been insanely busy and gotten very little sleep. Consequently, I've been irritable and less than affectionate with her. And because I noticed her starting to withdraw, that only made it worse. However, since I found out about this guy, I've been more diligent in expressing affection, both in words and deeds. Of course, none of this excuses her conduct.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Another quick update: after she messaged him telling him they couldn't communicate anymore, he replied. He said he understood and was respectful of our wishes. My guess is my wife isn't the only woman this guy is doing this with.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> Sorry for the delayed response. People have asked a lot of probing questions, so I'll attempt to quickly answer them here.
> 
> ...




Her story sounds far fetched and too convenient...White lies or something much worse, I do't know. 

And think about what is happening right now. Your wife was cheating on you emotionally and when you found out, you started being more affectionate..Hmmm


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He sends her thousands of messages, but he's willing to 'respect her wishes,' now? Ask her for his phone number and call him and tell him to back off or you'll come looking for him.

Harley recommends that you spend 15 hours a week together to keep the love alive. Start finding ways, even if it's just 15 minutes for a cup of coffee, or doing a jigsaw puzzle while your tv show is on.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Dig for more. I agree with warlock. She has been getting messages from him for years. She could have told him to stop and unfriended him a long time ago. Her answer is just the tip of the iceberg. Expect to find more because I have a strong vibe that she is trickle truthing.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

She told me point blank that he has never had her number nor she his, and they have never communicated in any form other than facebook messenger. The only time she's ever seen him in person was at that party several years ago.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Her story sounds far fetched and too convenient...White lies or something much worse, I do't know.
> 
> And think about what is happening right now. Your wife was cheating on you emotionally and when you found out, you started being more affectionate..Hmmm


I see what you're saying. My plan was to never confront her about it and hope that my love and affection would naturally end it. But now in hindsight it looks like giving the squeaky wheel its grease. I hope she doesn't start squeaking more now...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ihatefacebook said:


> I see what you're saying. My plan was to never confront her about it and hope that my love and affection would naturally end it. But now in hindsight it looks like giving the squeaky wheel it's grease. I hope she doesn't start squeaking more now...


Trust with verification for the next month or so.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Here's another thing: yesterday, before the confrontation, she posted a couple of pictures from our wedding and us at a football game. How can you post your wedding pictures one minute and then secretly message another person the next? Was it possible she thought messaging with him was entirely harmless?


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

She gave him up awfully easy, didn't she.

And her excuse for deleting the messages doesn't fill me with optimism for OP's marriage, she can't even admit to herself let alone someone else that she was covering her tracks. 

Rationalization at top speed.

Watch your back OP...


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Has she blocked him?

Also ask her to add you to FB. Keep an eye on the friend count and who she adds.

Also keylogger.

You are not out of the woods yet.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

Cdelta02 said:


> Has she blocked him?
> 
> Also ask her to add you to FB. Keep an eye on the friend count and who she adds.
> 
> ...


I'm on facebook. I have my own account and my own friends (with some mutual friends). I've paid attention to who she adds from the time we started dating. She was friends with him before she and I even knew each other, and they never posted on each other's walls so I had no reason to think anything of him. And yes, she has blocked him.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> Here's another thing: yesterday, before the confrontation, she posted a couple of pictures from our wedding and us at a football game. How can you post your wedding pictures one minute and then secretly message another person the next? *Was it possible she thought **messaging with him was entirely harmless*?


How could she post pictures of you..same as people that are in PA's screw thier AP and then go home to thier spouse and pretend everything is ok...because everything in fairytale land is all puppy dogs and rainbows..

She deleted 1000's of messages from him (1000's) and kept it from you and now you are wondering if she may have thought it was harmless....Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Huh? Think, McFly! Think..
It wasnt harmless for you now was it?...maybe thats why she hid it for so long.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you install a keylogger yet?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

turnera said:


> Did you install a keylogger yet?


Not sure a keylogger is gonna work since he said she uses her phone almost exclusively for email, chats, Facebook.

On the other hand - it could not hurt.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If she thinks he'll be checking her phone (and he'd BETTER!), she'll move to another form of contact.


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## ihatefacebook (Dec 4, 2012)

I have not installed a keylogger yet. I will do that with the iPad and her laptop (although she never uses her laptop). I need to get something on her phone. I do check her phone in those rare moments it's not attached to her. So far I haven't found anything in the text messages, gchat, yahoo im, email, or anything else.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ihatefacebook said:


> I see what you're saying. My plan was to never confront her about it and hope that my love and affection would naturally end it. But now in hindsight it looks like giving the squeaky wheel its grease. I hope she doesn't start squeaking more now...


:slap:


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