# My wife says the cruelest things



## WTFdidshesay?

Hi All,

Bit of background. We have been married for 17 years, two kids. Have been mostly happy but there are always issues.

I was and always have been a car guy so she knew what she was getting into, now she hates my passion with a passion. Cannot stand anything to do with my hobbies, yeah I have a few but they keep me out of the pub!

Anyway, I am 43, she is 41. She has a habit of saying cruel things and then later on apologising for them, like it will all go away.

Last month, she had an Ovarian Cancer scare (since been ruled out), during the testing of which and the waiting for results, I had a stroke. Overall tho, i got through it relatively unscathed, bit of double vision and some inability to rise to the occasion in the bedroom at a moments notice like I used to.

Last night she said to me that she considers it a real kick in the face that she should have to assist in arousing me in order to have sex.........

It was a real WTF moment for me. I could not believe she said it and she couldn't understand why it upset me. She has also recently said that she is no longer 'in love' with me but does still love me. I took that hard, she thinks the whole being 'in love' notion is for twenty year olds and it changes nothing. To me, personally, it changes everything!

Ok, so I've had a stroke and who knows, I may live to be a hundred or I may have another tomorrow and die, so I have been re-evaluating my life, like getting fitter, eating healthier and above all, getting rid of my two project cars that each need a lot of work and buying one nice car that needs no maintenance and I can just enjoy it and drive it.

There is a smallish cost outlay but money is not really an issue, its there and spending it won't break us financially.

To cut a long story short, she hates all the things that I love, even though I was doing them when we first met. She has no hobbies or interests, just reads books or goes shopping. Its as if she doesn't want me to have fun if she isn't.

I really am beginning to think that staying with her will ultimately prove to be a bad thing for me. She thinks that I am the same man I was 20 years ago and there is no excuse to be anything else, that I should do the things that she wants me to do even if it will make me miserable.

I have realised that the one life I have is pretty short and I want to enjoy it and if she doesn't like it, she can hit the road.

Sorry for the rant but any advice would be really helpful.

BTW: I have spoken to a lot of family and friends and they all agreee that I should do what makes me happy, she is the lone voice against this train of thought.


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## EleGirl

What sorts of things do you and your wife do together? How much time a week do you spending doing things with your wife?


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## GreenEyes

*I have realised that the one life I have is pretty short and I want to enjoy it and if she doesn't like it, she can hit the road.*

That is my favorite thing to say!!! I agree, your hobbies are harmless, and hey we all need a hobby.....I mean I don't understand what her beef with your hobby is, it's not a destructive one or anything, and like you said it keeps you out of the bars....I'm a little biased though because my dad works with cars, so does my brother and a lot of people that I know work on building cars and stuff, so I just don't see the big deal and why somebody would down that....


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## Jonesey

I had a stroke. Overall tho, i got through it relatively unscathed, bit of double vision and some inability to rise to the occasion in the bedroom at a moments notice like I used to.

*Last night she said to me that she considers it a real kick in the face that she should have to assist in arousing me in order to have sex.........* After you recently had a stroke??


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## EleGirl

GreenEyes said:


> *I have realised that the one life I have is pretty short and I want to enjoy it and if she doesn't like it, she can hit the road.*
> 
> That is my favorite thing to say!!! I agree, your hobbies are harmless, and hey we all need a hobby.....I mean I don't understand what her beef with your hobby is, it's not a destructive one or anything, and like you said it keeps you out of the bars....I'm a little biased though because my dad works with cars, so does my brother and a lot of people that I know work on building cars and stuff, so I just don't see the big deal and why somebody would down that....


I could see a person having issues with their spouses hobbies if the spouse spent so much time on them that they had no time to together. That's why I asked the OP how much time he spends with his spouse a week.


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## GreenEyes

EleGirl said:


> I could see a person having issues with their spouses hobbies if the spouse spent so much time on them that they had no time to together. That's why I asked the OP how much time he spends with his spouse a week.


That's true, I mean if it is taking up a huge chunk of his time and he's not doing anything with her then I could see her being mad about it, so yeah it would depend on the amount of time he spent on it.

Another thing is that if that whole situation about her "not wanting to have to get you aroused" happened after the whole ovarian cancer scare, she could have just been putting her fear of having sex on you, even though that's not right at all...I mean, when I had a cervical cancer scare, the tests they had to do were so freakin painful that I didn't want anything touching down there period, even a couple weeks after it would make me uncomfortable just thinking about it, but when I tried to explain that to my H it's like he didn't get it and I think he thought I was using that as an excuse (maybe not though, even though I felt that way)...so by her pushing it off on you it took it off her shoulders....I have no clue if any of the testing for ovarian cancer and cervical are the same.....


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## SolidSnake

Yes, its fine having a hobby, as long as your hobby does not prevent you spending enough time with your wife. Dr. Harley says in his books that a couple needs 15 hours a week of undivided attention in order to sustain the feeling of romantic love in their relationship. Do you have any mutual hobbies or activities you can do together?


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## COguy

What would your wife say if she was here? Would she say you don't spend any time with her because you're always working on your cars? What would she say about the relationship?

Also, big red warning flags go up any time you here, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." That's code for, "Someone else is meeting my emotional and/or physical needs" or "I am willing for someone else to meet my emotional and/or physical needs." Those in the CWI forum will all remember hearing that before their lives got shattered.

The constant cruel remarks would be another red flag for me. As well as the sex comment.

Have you done any snooping to see if anything is going on in terms of an EA or PA? Have you checked phone/text records, checked her phone, emails, FB messages, anything like that? Is she spending more time out of the house, dressing nicer, working out more, any new behaviors?


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## Lydia

It sounds like she resents your hobbies because she feels they are cutting into your time together. Perhaps she doesn't feel in love with you anymore because of this. Additionally, she may say negative things to you to get attention or to feel like she counts too.

How much time do you spend with her? Do you take time out from your hobbies to spend time with your wife, perhaps doing something she likes to do and vice versa?


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## that_girl

She hates your hobbies because she's jealous of the time you spend on them, and not on her.


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## WTFdidshesay?

Thanks for all the responses so far.

On the subject of how much time I spend with her, she complains I spend too much time with her, I 'crowd' her etc.

She is happy for me to head out to the shed to work on my cars, it keeps me out from under her feet, she just hates cars and can't see anything beneficial in me owning them. I have tried to tell her that they make me happy and in turn that should make her happy but she just appears to like being miserable.

As for sex, she is still keen, as am I, it's just it takes longer for me to be able and she wants it now and any delay means I am not attracted to her and is an insult to her. I don't understand any of this.

She constantly tells me that she is a ***** and that I am too good for her, now, I believe it.

If she was here, she would say that I have so many hobbies and none of them ever seem to end, like I never actually finish working on a car, my projects just linger on and on and on. I tried telling her that it is very therapeutic and they keep me busy and above all, happy, but to her they are just 'there' all the time. She wants them to go away but she has no idea what she expects will take their place.....probably resentment and alcohol!

Look, i'm not perfect but everyone I have spoken to, including her sister of all people, say I am a great husband, literally every person I have spoken too cannot understand why she is the way she is. I have tried to remain neutral when I explain to them what is happening so as to give both sides of the story and the overwhelming response is 'she is wrong!', most people say that she is extremely selfish and I would have to agree.

Is she seeing someone else, I honestly don't think so, yes she dresses more smartly and exercises all the time, she is trim and attractive but always laughs off any talk of 'other men' liking her or chatting her up. Maybe I'm the biggest patsy of all time?

We have nothing in common at all, except maybe a love of travel but I have to go to the places she wants to go to, not some old museum or fort, if so its a deal breaker. Even If I say lets go to where you want to go and then to somewhere I want to go, Nope!!!!! The whole deal is off, its her way or the highway!

I will soon be getting $210,000 from my trauma insurance. My plan was to sell my 2 project cars which will net about $20000 and then buy myself one really nice car that I could keep forever which would cost around $40000. The rest of the money I was going to put on our mortgage and re-do the kitchen how she wants it, but no, that's too greedy on my part and I have enough cars (even tho I would end up having one less than I do now!).

I have tried to explain to her that life isn't all about paying the mortgage and bills, you have to live your life too but all she see's is 'must pay off mortgage, must pay off mortgage'. It aint living and money for us is good right now, we are financially doing quite well, not rich but there are 4 registered cars in the garage, pay TV, plasma TV's all over the house, the $4000 leather lounge suite she wanted etc, etc.

We are slaves to the machine and she wants to stay that way.

My dad, god rest his soul, worked his pants off doing well, had a heart attack at 46 and lived the next 25 years of his life trapped in a broken body. All the wealth he accrued has been used by his widow, my mum, to travel the world, buy a new house and all the things she ever wanted. He saw none of it!

I don't want to end up that way, I want to have my time in the sun and the thing is I wanted to take my wife with me but it appears to be all about her and what she wants...

Basically, nothing makes her happy.


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## Lydia

Has she always been this way?
If not, is there is some turning of events that could have caused her to become this way?
Does she have issues from her childhood?

I'm sorry you are going through this. Have you suggested individual counseling to her? Do you think she would go, and does she realize that she has a problem?

She sounds very controlling. Do you feel that the stress and work of repairing the marriage is worth it?


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## EleGirl

If you are about to get a good hunk from your trama insurance and you think this is heading to divorce, you might want to see an attorney about how you handle that check.

Since it's an insurance payment to you, it might to your sole asset. If you put in an account that has communty assets... like a joint savings it becomes community property. If you put it on the mortgage, it also becomes community property.

I would love to hear directly from your wife to see her side of all this. 

They way you protay her I'm not sure why you are still there. She mean/abusive to you and seems to have no desire to be any different.


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## Claude Veritas

The kind of Women, you mentioned , as for your wife and mom( just being flat n frank,sorry for the remarks),both are Selfish and Pleasure Seekers...

They dont deserve The Men ,they were married to ,rather they are that what they know themselves to be...


Have a Strong Mind and Be never worried too much....Muster Up in understanding...keep your Health bettering and Hopes aspiring...allowing nothing Crap or otherwise to hinder it..


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## COguy

WTFdidshesay? said:


> Thanks for all the responses so far.
> 
> On the subject of how much time I spend with her, she complains I spend too much time with her, I 'crowd' her etc.
> 
> She is happy for me to head out to the shed to work on my cars, it keeps me out from under her feet, she just hates cars and can't see anything beneficial in me owning them. I have tried to tell her that they make me happy and in turn that should make her happy but she just appears to like being miserable.
> 
> As for sex, she is still keen, as am I, it's just it takes longer for me to be able and she wants it now and any delay means I am not attracted to her and is an insult to her. I don't understand any of this.
> 
> She constantly tells me that she is a ***** and that I am too good for her, now, I believe it.
> 
> If she was here, she would say that I have so many hobbies and none of them ever seem to end, like I never actually finish working on a car, my projects just linger on and on and on. I tried telling her that it is very therapeutic and they keep me busy and above all, happy, but to her they are just 'there' all the time. She wants them to go away but she has no idea what she expects will take their place.....probably resentment and alcohol!
> 
> Look, i'm not perfect but everyone I have spoken to, including her sister of all people, say I am a great husband, literally every person I have spoken too cannot understand why she is the way she is. I have tried to remain neutral when I explain to them what is happening so as to give both sides of the story and the overwhelming response is 'she is wrong!', most people say that she is extremely selfish and I would have to agree.
> 
> Is she seeing someone else, I honestly don't think so, yes she dresses more smartly and exercises all the time, she is trim and attractive but always laughs off any talk of 'other men' liking her or chatting her up. Maybe I'm the biggest patsy of all time?
> 
> We have nothing in common at all, except maybe a love of travel but I have to go to the places she wants to go to, not some old museum or fort, if so its a deal breaker. Even If I say lets go to where you want to go and then to somewhere I want to go, Nope!!!!! The whole deal is off, its her way or the highway!
> 
> I will soon be getting $210,000 from my trauma insurance. My plan was to sell my 2 project cars which will net about $20000 and then buy myself one really nice car that I could keep forever which would cost around $40000. The rest of the money I was going to put on our mortgage and re-do the kitchen how she wants it, but no, that's too greedy on my part and I have enough cars (even tho I would end up having one less than I do now!).
> 
> I have tried to explain to her that life isn't all about paying the mortgage and bills, you have to live your life too but all she see's is 'must pay off mortgage, must pay off mortgage'. It aint living and money for us is good right now, we are financially doing quite well, not rich but there are 4 registered cars in the garage, pay TV, plasma TV's all over the house, the $4000 leather lounge suite she wanted etc, etc.
> 
> We are slaves to the machine and she wants to stay that way.
> 
> My dad, god rest his soul, worked his pants off doing well, had a heart attack at 46 and lived the next 25 years of his life trapped in a broken body. All the wealth he accrued has been used by his widow, my mum, to travel the world, buy a new house and all the things she ever wanted. He saw none of it!
> 
> I don't want to end up that way, I want to have my time in the sun and the thing is I wanted to take my wife with me but it appears to be all about her and what she wants...
> 
> Basically, nothing makes her happy.


OK, has she ALWAYS said you "crowd her" or is this a recent development in the last few months/years? When you were first married did she show resentment that you spent too much time away from her?

Second thing, this post has MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR WARNING SIGNS of an affair. The "crowding her" line combined with "I love you but not in love with you" I would say with 99% certainty means she is involved with someone else. The fact that she's pushing to get time alone and then feeling guilty that you're too good for her, it shows a duality consistent with cheating. Also, dressing differently and exercising is another warning sign. But more than that, you show that you are both distant from eachother, and that is the biggest warning sign of them all.

Your, "she laughs off other men," is a typical response cheaters have when they are cheating. "He's ugly", "I would never do anything like that", "You're being ridiculous", "He's just a friend", "You would only think that if YOU'RE cheating"....these are all common responses from cheaters, my wife did a bunch of them.

Don't misunderstand that I am saying your wife is physically having sex with someone else. The cheating may be in the form of phone or internet chat, text messages, FB chatting, at work only, etc. The fact that she's still having sex with you and wants alone time when you're in the garage, I could probably guess that she's up to something while you are in there working on your cars.

First off, don't be naive. An insane amount of women cheat on their husbands, you don't realize how many it is until you've been cheated on and then spend the next few weeks/months of your life reading about it. Pastors, missionaries, house wives, all cheat. My wife was a stay at home church-going mom, I was in complete denial that she could be sex messaging guys and have a ONS. If my wife could cheat, yours can too.

Second, you need to start snooping. For starters, tell her you're going to go in the garage to work on cars for a while, say whatever line you would normally say when she knows you're going in there (or don't say anything if you normally wouldn't). Then after some time, 30 minutes or so, quietly but unexepectedly come back into the house. What's she doing? Is she being protective or fast with the computer or phone?

The best info is reading text messages, emails, or FB messages. If you don't have access to those, you can get her phone records. You won't see what is being said but you can see who she is talking to and how often. If you don't have access to her phone records (company phone or something), then you can put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car or your house. Last resort is a GPS tracker or PI but if she's just having an EA that won't help you.

Also, VERY IMPORTANT, if you find anything, don't reveal details of what you know or how you got it. Because as soon as you do, that source is no longer a source of information and she will just go underground. If you leave your info a secret, then you can continue to check it to make sure she isn't still lying to you.

Sorry to be so blunt, but if you don't check on this first, you're doing yourself a major disservice. You can be the world's best husband, but if she's in the middle of an affair, she's going to make you into the devil and you won't do anything right in her eyes.

edit: Also wanted to add that after you do this check, if you don't find anything, mention that you want transparency in her phone and computer, see what she says. If she starts wigging out and talking about how you're controlling or jealous, it's a good sign she has something to hide.


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## Acorn

I strongly agree about looking out for an affair, and getting legal guidance about that check.

I get the feeling that your wife feels left out. I'm just guessing, but I'm envisioning that while you are spending time on the cars and at the pub, she is feeling the weight of responsibility for the mortgage and everything else. Perhaps every time she sees the cars, she is reminded about how much time you spend out there instead of with her or on the house. 

You guys might be a lot more fulfilled if you understood where each other was coming from better.


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## WTFdidshesay?

COguy said:


> OK, has she ALWAYS said you "crowd her" or is this a recent development in the last few months/years? When you were first married did she show resentment that you spent too much time away from her?
> 
> Second thing, this post has MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR WARNING SIGNS of an affair. The "crowding her" line combined with "I love you but not in love with you" I would say with 99% certainty means she is involved with someone else. The fact that she's pushing to get time alone and then feeling guilty that you're too good for her, it shows a duality consistent with cheating. Also, dressing differently and exercising is another warning sign. But more than that, you show that you are both distant from eachother, and that is the biggest warning sign of them all.
> 
> Your, "she laughs off other men," is a typical response cheaters have when they are cheating. "He's ugly", "I would never do anything like that", "You're being ridiculous", "He's just a friend", "You would only think that if YOU'RE cheating"....these are all common responses from cheaters, my wife did a bunch of them.
> 
> Don't misunderstand that I am saying your wife is physically having sex with someone else. The cheating may be in the form of phone or internet chat, text messages, FB chatting, at work only, etc. The fact that she's still having sex with you and wants alone time when you're in the garage, I could probably guess that she's up to something while you are in there working on your cars.
> 
> First off, don't be naive. An insane amount of women cheat on their husbands, you don't realize how many it is until you've been cheated on and then spend the next few weeks/months of your life reading about it. Pastors, missionaries, house wives, all cheat. My wife was a stay at home church-going mom, I was in complete denial that she could be sex messaging guys and have a ONS. If my wife could cheat, yours can too.
> 
> Second, you need to start snooping. For starters, tell her you're going to go in the garage to work on cars for a while, say whatever line you would normally say when she knows you're going in there (or don't say anything if you normally wouldn't). Then after some time, 30 minutes or so, quietly but unexepectedly come back into the house. What's she doing? Is she being protective or fast with the computer or phone?
> 
> The best info is reading text messages, emails, or FB messages. If you don't have access to those, you can get her phone records. You won't see what is being said but you can see who she is talking to and how often. If you don't have access to her phone records (company phone or something), then you can put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car or your house. Last resort is a GPS tracker or PI but if she's just having an EA that won't help you.
> 
> Also, VERY IMPORTANT, if you find anything, don't reveal details of what you know or how you got it. Because as soon as you do, that source is no longer a source of information and she will just go underground. If you leave your info a secret, then you can continue to check it to make sure she isn't still lying to you.
> 
> Sorry to be so blunt, but if you don't check on this first, you're doing yourself a major disservice. You can be the world's best husband, but if she's in the middle of an affair, she's going to make you into the devil and you won't do anything right in her eyes.
> 
> edit: Also wanted to add that after you do this check, if you don't find anything, mention that you want transparency in her phone and computer, see what she says. If she starts wigging out and talking about how you're controlling or jealous, it's a good sign she has something to hide.


Coguy, your observation has sadly proved to be accurate. At the time I wrote my first post on this subject, she was involved in an affair. She met a work colleague for sex over an undetermined period of time. she says it was just December of last year but as her web of lies is quite comprehensive I don't think I'll ever know the truth.

BTW, I found this out just yesterday. She was lying and covering up what happened right up to the point I had her lover on the other end of the telephone!

Anyway, she is blaming her deep depression for it and I know she was very low at that stage in her life. It saddens me to think that while I was worrying about her and her possible ovarian cancer and my own stroke and related health issues that she was with another man. I asked her what this man gave her that could I not, and she said that she felt 'alive!'

I, somewhat begrudgingly have agreed to try and save our marriage and our first counseling session is tonight.

I have a million questions and was hoping that people here might be able to help me. For some reason I am fixated on the details of her sexual encounters with this man. I need to know how often it took place, did she practice safe sex, did she do things with him that she won't do for me, when was the first time and when was the last etc etc?

She told me yesterday that she ended the physical side of the affair in December yet he was chatting her up as recently as 3 days ago and talking about screwing her 'again' just a week or so ago before I discovered the affair!

My wife also disclosed to me that they had discussed remaining friends and that there would be no sex yet she also says she didn't have feeling for him..

In a nutshell, I don't believe any of her excuses, with the exception that her depression had made her truly sad and vulnerable. Am I right in wanting to have the answers, am I right in demanding that to rebuild and start again I must know all the truths no matter how bad they will make me feel? I feel that I am only getting told what I need to hear and that's only because she was caught!!!

She has lied so much about so many things, how best do I communicate this and my feelings to the marriage guidance counselor?

Can this marriage be saved or is it even worth the effort?


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## iheartlife

ILYBINILWY is the gold standard. It is rarely, if ever, uttered by a woman who is being faithful. But I guess you know that now.

Yes, it is normal to want the details. Get the information (places, dates, times) but try to avoid the actual minute-by-minute because it results in "mind movies" which for men can be nigh-on-impossible to erase.

She must go NO CONTACT immediately, this means sending a letter to the OM that you proof. Samples can be found on this forum. You deliver it certified mail.

Also--cheaters lie. They love their fantasy. They will do what they need to in order to protect it. You are going to need to spend some time verifying no contact. This is not a permanent solution, this is a temporary bandaid to prove her loyalty and ease your anxiety and for her to give you a reason to trust her. She is going to need to show transparency, all passwords, computers, accounts, cell phones of every kind must be open to you at will.

***who is the OM****? Tell us everything you know about him.


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## Shaggy

Yeah right, they stopped having sex back in December but he was still chasing her in May even though he was cut off? Yeah right. I think you'll find the truth much different than you've been told, and if hewas cut off5 months ago he would have moved on by now.

Do not be so quick to forgive or humble yourself to save ths marriage. Make her earn the chance by proving she can actually be faithful. And while at it require her to take a polygraph to prove she has ended it and told you the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

Cheaters always lie. Don't believe a word until you can verify it. These things usually happen in affairs

-> They had unprotected sex and he came in her.
->They had sex more times than she confessed or you imagined.
-> She did things with the OM that she usually denied you.
->The affair went on much longer than you imagined and did not end in December. She most likely had sex with you after doing it with him 
-> This might not be her first affair.

Unless she can prove them, don't believe otherwise for your own sanity.

I think you are still not processing the betrayal. Maybe the anger will hit you in a couple of days.

Don't make the decision to reconcile too early. Take some time before you commit to it. Many make that mistake.


Absolutely no trickle truthing. Find out the full extent of the truth. You are nowhere near the complete truth.

Give her an ultimatum. You need the full truth about her affair and any past affairs she might have had. She gets one chance and you will forgive her about it. But if you learn anything else sometime that she hid or lied in the future by any means, you will divorce her immediately. Tell this to her so that she seriously gets this and you mean it.

Finally, inform the OM's wife/gf of the affair.(If he has any)


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## iheartlife

WTFdidshesay? said:


> I feel that I am only getting told what I need to hear and that's only because she was caught!!!


Yes.


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## Peachy Cat

I am concerned about her cruel comment in regard to the ED caused by your stroke... that was, indeed, a horrible thing for her to say and there's no reason for her to say it other than to hurt you.

Think about your options, because it sounds to me like she's already checked out on you.


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## COguy

I'm really sorry bro. We never want to be "right" in these cases, I know the kind of intense pain and heartache you are going through. You're life is going to suck for a while. The best thing you can do is accept that, allow yourself to go through all the emotions.

You will be sad, angry, enraged, heartbroken, pissed off, lonely. Actually the stages of grief follow like that of losing a loved one (in many ways I think it is worse): Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It is completely normal to want to know details. I was obsessed with them for a few weeks. I had a million questions. I wish I could give you all the links I read when I went through this, but there are so many and I never saved them. Just google all the infidelity code words and you'll have enough to read for a while. Here's a good one to give to your wife: How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair: 10 steps

Here's a few more I did bookmark: https://www.google.com/bookmarks/url?url=http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/cheating-and-infidelity/how-to-get-over-cheating.html&ei=HQazT_SZKZnyxQWN9rW7Dg&sig2=1I6Gom7n5zbN1WfIgAuijA&ct=b

https://www.google.com/bookmarks/url?url=http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/&ei=HQazT_SZKZnyxQWN9rW7Dg&sig2=dvmg-0St5frGj44b9yYoQQ&ct=b

Another really good one that answered a lot of my questions: SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

Is it Possible to Rebuild Trust after Unfaithfulness? - Christian Marriage Help and Advice (Page 4)

There are a few ground rules that you must do immediately. Do not wait, do not accept her back without making sure these are in place. Any attempt to delay or not follow through with these means she's not truly remorseful.

1. Absolutely 100% no contact!! She writes him a letter, you review it and approve, she hits send, or mails it, and that's it. No goodbye call or meeting, no just friends. If he tries to make contact, she tells you immediately and you deal with it. Restraining order if necessary.

2. 100% transparency in her phone, emails, FB passwords, daily schedule, etc. This goes both ways. She needs to be a completely open book and expect that you will require her whereabouts at all times.

3. She needs to be willing to do what it will take to heal. That means that she is willing to answer your questions openly and honestly. If she doesn't want to put in the effort, end it now, because R is long and difficult and takes a lot of work from both parties.

I've seen enough affairs on TAM now to realize that when you find out, YOU MUST GO NUCLEAR. I think it is best to get divorce papers drawn up and have them ready to be signed. Let her know that this is serious sh*t and that if she isn't 100% committed to your marriage, it's over.

One thing I wish I would have done, because I think it's an incredibly awesome idea and a great gauge of her true interest in the marriage and not the convenience of your husbandry, I wish I would have made her sign a post-nup that if she cheats again she gets nothing (or whatever is legally enforceable).

Last, she was in a long drawn out affair that only ended because you found out. Don't rush into making a decision one way or another. Take your time. You can change your mind at any point during the process. Make sure she's really remorseful and not just sorry she got caught.

Edit: Just read Warlock's post and I have to agree about the Trickle Truth. Let her know up front that you won't tolerate it. Every time you get a piece of info that gets replaced later with something worse, pretend that is the first day you found out, because it's basically like starting over. She needs to be up front and honest with you even if it's a horrible story that hurts her to tell. Even if she thinks it will just cause more pain.


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## COguy

Shaggy said:


> Yeah right, they stopped having sex back in December but he was still chasing her in May even though he was cut off? Yeah right. I think you'll find the truth much different than you've been told, and if hewas cut off5 months ago he would have moved on by now.
> 
> Do not be so quick to forgive or humble yourself to save ths marriage. Make her earn the chance by proving she can actually be faithful. And while at it require her to take a polygraph to prove she has ended it and told you the truth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah if this is the story she's sticking to, I wouldn't even start talking about reconciling yet. This is obviously a lie.


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## 67flh

see your lawyer, stash the money,stash the money....don't pay off that morgage...all you will do is give her extra money at divorce. she's just biding her time till then...


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## donny64

Peachy Cat said:


> I am concerned about her cruel comment in regard to the ED caused by your stroke... that was, indeed, a horrible thing for her to say and there's no reason for her to say it other than to hurt you.
> 
> Think about your options, because it sounds to me like she's already checked out on you.


Yup. Sorry man, I know she's your wife, but she's a self centered, cruel hearted, emasculating bitsh. No sensitive woman would spew such vile garbage to a man she loves. Would not happen. What makes it worse is she was doing it to "stay faithful" to her affair and try to put the blame on you.

This is the same type of woman who would deny you sex, use a medical condition as an excuse, and tell you that you just need to be supportive of her and understand.

Buddy, you sound like a solid guy. Believe me, there are plenty of women out there who could give two craps that you take longer to "get started" in bed. REAL women deal with it and reassure you. Manipulative ones use it against you despite the damage it can do. There isn't a woman out there who doesn't know what attacking a man over an ED issue will do to him. The mean spirited, manipulative ones will USE THAT to damage your psyche.

Sorry, that, combined with the reasons behind it (the affair) would set me to walking and never looking back. I'd be spending the money on a divorce attorney instead of counseling. LIFE IS TOO SHORT to put up with that when you are a decent guy / woman. There are plenty of us out there who are good who would give our left nut / breast for just such a guy or woman.


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## RClawson

So the point of staying with this shrew is?


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## rks1

I am really sorry what you are going through, as it's way too much to deal with. When I was reading the first page of this thread (before I read your post about your w's affair), I was already feeling concerned about you due to your stroke, as you had mentioned that your dad got a heart attack at 46. You have a family history of cardiovascular disease and you are currently on a very concerning path yourself due to your stroke at a young age. You had mentioned in your first post about getting healthy, and I was strongly hoping you would do so to put yourself on a different path to health... as I don't want you to be at risk of a health crisis again in the near future. Dealing with the emotional stress (now with your wife's affair) is really the LAST thing you need right now, as psychological stress is really unhealthy. This situation really bites.  

At this point, it's crucial that you put yourself and your best interests first. I was hoping that after your stroke your wife would encourage and support you to adopt a very healthy lifestyle together... but it doesn't seem like you are getting the emotional support you need from her, especially as there is big trouble in your marriage. I am worried that due to this marriage crisis, your health will take another step backwards, which is not at all good for you right now. (I say this myself as someone who struggles with weight issues, while at the same time being a medical student who knows how important it is to change one's lifestyle to prevent disease.) I am hoping that through all this emotional turmoil, you will do your best to keep your physical and emotional well-being a top priority as best you can. Do your best to eat healthy, or go for a long walk or a light jog to burn off some of your frustrations and anger. I'm sorry your wife isn't doing her part at all, but you need to do what is best for YOU. My best wishes to you...


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## keko

WTFdidshesay? said:


> I feel that I am only getting told what I need to hear and that's only because she was caught!!!


:iagree:

Kick her a55 to the curb and move one. You deserve better then this.


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## aug

COguy said:


> One thing I wish I would have done, because I think it's an incredibly awesome idea and a great gauge of her true interest in the marriage and not the convenience of your husbandry, I wish I would have *made her sign a post-nup that if she cheats again she gets nothing (or whatever is legally enforceable)*.



Do this now. It'll save you.


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## Strings

OP, honestly, you should check out bpdfamily.com.

I've had many, many, and more of your experiences. The isolating you from your hobbies, the gaslighting, the delayed sexual gratification (be ready anytime at a moment's notice or you aren't attracted to her), the guilt-trips.... just check out the site. You might be facing some mental health issues in her that won't turn out well for you.

She's going to make you feel guilty for her misbehavior, and you keep on rewarding her. It won't end until you decide to look out for yourself. She will end up leaving you once she's drained you emotionally and financially, then keep you on a leash while she's getting her positive reinforcement and 'in love' feeling from other men. You'll be the negative emotion dumping ground. No one deserves that.

Sorry, man.


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## WTFdidshesay?

She's a confused piece of work, no doubt about that. Getting her to believe it is another story!

We have been trying to work things out and its a hard fight, lots of fights, arguing, threats to leave (she's packed her suitcase half a dozen times but hasn't gone through with it).

She did say something a couple of days ago that got me thinking tho, it was just after a particularly enjoyable sex session, lets just say it was wild monkey sex, and she said to me "If you'd made love to me like that last year I probably wouldn't have had my affair".

Huh? So it was just the sex? Initially she told me it was because we didn't communicate, I was ignoring her, smothering her, not valuing her and now she tells me she just needed a good f*ck?

I am still torn between staying or leaving and these kinds of revelations just add to the incredibly confusing situation I am in. I don't know what she needs from one day to the next, she tells me she needs space so I give it to her, then she comes to me and says why are you ignoring me? I let her do the things she wants alone and she asks me to come with her, then we fight and she tells me I am not giving her the space she asked for!

She says things like "I need more space", and when I explode and say I thought I was, she says its not enough and then comes to me later and says I misinterpreted what she said and that I am giving her the space she needs just that she forgot? WTF?

In a few weeks my career will be sending me to live interstate for up to 3 years. She is petrified I will use that as an opportunity to leave and its mighty tempting right now, in fact its looking like the only option that will keep me sane!


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## KanDo

I am so sorry you are here. Let me reiterate what others have said. 

1) What your wife tells you is a lie until you prove it isn't! If you don't believe me, read the countless other stories here on TAM (Including mine!)

2) Please say you have set up an account in your own name for the insurance payment and kept that check separate. DON'T use that money for ANY joint expenses

3) You wife is not showing true remorse, at all. Without it your marriage is doomed. Do as COguy suggested and file for divorce. If it wakes her up to the need to reaaly change, ok. If not, you are that much closer to being a free man.

This is not an easy time. But your wife has shown you who she really is. You deserve better.


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## jameskimp

Leave, find someone new in those 3 years.

Life is much too short for you to take her abuse and not be happy any longer.

You guys have nothing in common, and she be rates you for your hobbies. What exactly do u see in her then? Lots of other pretty women out there buddy, take the leap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDL

Hello,

A couple of things to point out. 

Please be advised that her emotions are varied now. That is why she acts so confusing. She does not know what she wants and acts on the many different emotional impulses she has. One moment it's the fear of change, of you leaving of loss, the next may be jealousy then arousal and so on. To keep your sanity you need to understand her emotions for what they are right now. Which is all over the place.

Secondly she seems to have a deep sense of insecurity. She does not love herself and that influenced her negative attitude towards your hobbies. 

In order to begin addressing the issues she will respond to a calm consistent and solid leadership from you. You need to cease being confused and start leading. 

However over the long term if any real progress is to be made she needs to address her own insecurities which by this age are well dug in. She actually needs fulfilling activities of her own along with your support. 

You offering emotional support in the face of her negativity is a very difficult approach especially on your own. If you decide to go down that path I warmly recommend a counselor to help you stay level and gain perspective.


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