# How Bad Is My Situation?



## braveheart2009 (Mar 25, 2009)

Hi,

I have been married for 2 years now and feel I am not getting anywhere in marriage life. 80% of the time has been in constant fights I have tended to be calm and stay quiet recently as this just fuels flames even more as my partner won't lower her end under any circumstances. 

She feels everything is fine and she wants children when literally our relationship is hanging by a thread. We have constant communication problems and she feel I edge towards my family more than her. She likes to be a smart ass and outdo me. She doesn't help me out financially. I can say I do not love her and can't see children coming for a long time until we build trust, honesty and a strong bond. I cannot see it going anywhere. 

I need some direction please.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Since she wants to have kids with you that means that she loves you, but I think she has a bad temper, and she believes is normal. You have to talk with her, and tell her that, if she doesn't change her attitude towards you, you have no future together. Kids will not make your relationship better if there is not love and good communication between you and your wife. 
Kids are a miracle, but they do not do miracles.


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## mom2boys (Mar 28, 2010)

All I can say is that me and my soon to be ex husband thought a baby would help and it didnt.. it only made it worse and now I am going to be a single mom with a 9yr old and a 1 yr old..... NOT good. Listen to your gut.


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## sue1168 (Feb 25, 2010)

Braveheart,

I am telling you this as a FACT: If you two are having problems now..DON'T ADD KIDS TO THE MIX!! You said you don't love her. You need to tell her that. If you think you could possibly love her at some point in the future then you two need to sit down and talk and I would also suggest marriage counseling. Like Momof2boys said, it makes things worse when you think a baby will fix things. It sort of puts your marriage off on your kids because that's what you're focusing on to fix everything. Did your wife grow up in a family where conflict was resolved by fighting and yelling? If so, then she is just a product of her environment. If she acknowledges that she has a problem, maybe she would be open to counseling for her anger issues? To save you AND her a lot of heartache, you need to tell her everything that you put in your post and don't "sugar coat it" either. Good luck to you.


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## braveheart2009 (Mar 25, 2009)

Deb* said:


> Since she wants to have kids with you that means that she loves you, but I think she has a bad temper, and she believes is normal. You have to talk with her, and tell her that, if she doesn't change her attitude towards you, you have no future together. Kids will not make your relationship better if there is not love and good communication between you and your wife.
> Kids are a miracle, but they do not do miracles.


I do not think she does love me. I think the main reason she wants kids is because others who have been married for 2 years are either pregnant or have just had a baby. One of my cousins who is 3 years younger than me is about to have a child and she is saying your older HOW THE HELL HAVE WE NO KIDS WHEN THEY DO? Its that sort of attitude I hate. 



mom2boys said:


> All I can say is that me and my soon to be ex husband thought a baby would help and it didnt.. it only made it worse and now I am going to be a single mom with a 9yr old and a 1 yr old..... NOT good. Listen to your gut.


Sorry to here your situation, but thanks for the advice. I don't think I will have children until 30 odds I feel. How long have you been together? Do you think 5 years together shows committment for a baby? 



sue1168 said:


> Braveheart,
> 
> I am telling you this as a FACT: If you two are having problems now..DON'T ADD KIDS TO THE MIX!! You said you don't love her. You need to tell her that. If you think you could possibly love her at some point in the future then you two need to sit down and talk and I would also suggest marriage counseling. Like Momof2boys said, it makes things worse when you think a baby will fix things. It sort of puts your marriage off on your kids because that's what you're focusing on to fix everything. Did your wife grow up in a family where conflict was resolved by fighting and yelling? If so, then she is just a product of her environment. If she acknowledges that she has a problem, maybe she would be open to counseling for her anger issues? To save you AND her a lot of heartache, you need to tell her everything that you put in your post and don't "sugar coat it" either. Good luck to you.


We have sat down and talked about it and she gets into fights oh my god you don't love me even a little why did you marry me etc etc etc. My wife grew up in a rough area I would say in another country in the middle east where poverty is strife however there family is quite weathly compared to the rest and her father could afford her to go to a big city and a big university and attain a superior qualification over others in her village. I think this has had an effect on her as being a bit boastful and feels superior in a sort of way saying all the time that people who are educated can never be wrong in life matters. I said to her someone with a cooking degree can't get a divorce you say? That's what I am up against. One of my close friends can't understand why we are still together can't believe it says if another guy was in my situation he would have left months ago. 

That's the thing she doesn't aknowledge she has a problem she think she is 100% right all the time and if I mention counselling she will laugh and mock and say can't you sort of your own problems rather than someone else. 

I agree with your statement DO NOT HAVE KIDS until a solid relationship. I am quite a cautious person. Be safe not sorry.


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

I think that you guys should probably sit down and go see a marriage councilor. That way you two can figure out what exactly the problem is and take positive steps in fixing it. Marriage is work, always has been and always will be... And it will work if the both of you want it to and put forth the time and effort that it needs. And if you don't feel she loves you, talk to her about it. I'm sure she'll listen especially with something like that. I know if my husband came up to me and told me He didn't feel like I loved him, I'd take the time out to listen and fix it. Either way, communication is key and a marriage councilor would probably be your best bet.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I am sorry to hear of your dilemma. I am in a dilemma too. The difference I see between your situation and my situation, is that you do not love your partner. 

If you do not love her, then why would you even consider working on the marriage? Are you not certain as to whether or not you love her? You don't even think she loves you. 

If neither one of you love each other, then are you simply considering working on the marriage for the sake of marriage? Are you concerned about being just another statistic? Either way you will be a statistic. Either you fall in the category of failed marriages, or you fall in the category of marriages without love. Which sounds worse to you? I for one, would not want to fall in the latter category, as I would never be happy. At least you have another chance at true happiness, if you get a divorce, but that is just my point of view. Nobody can tell you that you must get a divorce. You have to figure out what you really want, which is tough, I know. I am going through the same tough spot as we speak.

I don't feel that bringing children into your marriage is a good idea. I am certain that having a baby will only make matters worse for you at this time, as you will feel stuck and add the child to your reasons for remaining stuck in a loveless marriage. You will feel that you should stay with your spouse for the sake of the child, on top of your thought of making it work for the sake of marriage. I don't think a loveless marriage is worth saving. 

Now, are you sure you don't love her? Why did you marry your spouse? You must've loved her at one time. Why did the love die? She must've loved you.

I have been in an abusive marriage for almost ten years, and have been separated from my husband for eight months now. My trouble is that I still love my husband, and wish I didn't. If I did not love him, it would make it easier to let go of the marriage... to let go of him.

You have only been married for two years. If there is no love, I think you should cut your losses before things go too much farther and you are tied to your wife for life, for the sake of a child. As time passes in a marriage, more and more assets are acquired, and above all you become more and more co-dependent on your spouse. The level of comfortability, or knowing that you have someone to come home to becomes a weight in your heart and mind. As time passes, the harder it becomes to leave the marriage. You have only had two years together and have no ties to her as of yet. If you cut your ties now, you can easily move on to a new and better life without any baggage.

The only thing that makes me feel better about my situation is that, while not by my own choice, I do not have any children with my husband. I just know that if there was a child between he and I, I would still be living in the same house with an abusive man. I never would have left. It sounds sad really.

I am sorry to say that I do not feel that you should continue to remain married to your spouse, and definitely think bringing a child into the situation would be catastrophic for you, your spouse, and the child. I think you will regret continuing your life with your spouse, and regret being tied to her in the future.

I think your situation is bad, but that you still have the ability to change your situation and have the chance for true happiness. I think that your situation will always be bad, if you do not change it.

Well, there it is. I am certainly no therapist by any means, and if you were to read any of my posts you would know that I am pretty screwed up myself. The only credibility I might have, is that I have always been good at looking at things objectively. Subjectively, I am not so good, but who is?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

No time to write more, but you need to leave--separate at the very least--until she accepts that she has a problem. If she still does not accept that and accept counseling, you have no future together. You've done all you can. Leave with a clear conscious.


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## braveheart2009 (Mar 25, 2009)

Mrs. Segedy said:


> I think that you guys should probably sit down and go see a marriage councilor. That way you two can figure out what exactly the problem is and take positive steps in fixing it. Marriage is work, always has been and always will be... And it will work if the both of you want it to and put forth the time and effort that it needs. And if you don't feel she loves you, talk to her about it. I'm sure she'll listen especially with something like that. I know if my husband came up to me and told me He didn't feel like I loved him, I'd take the time out to listen and fix it. Either way, communication is key and a marriage councilor would probably be your best bet.


She completely denies she slams the doors and is moody all the time and swears saying when when did I do that. I will maybe try a marriage counsiller but I don't think she will go and probbally laugh at me and call me a child like other things. 



crisis1008 said:


> I am sorry to hear of your dilemma. I am in a dilemma too. The difference I see between your situation and my situation, is that you do not love your partner.
> 
> If you do not love her, then why would you even consider working on the marriage? Are you not certain as to whether or not you love her? You don't even think she loves you.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your comments. How do you know you love your husband? Do you think about him always even being seperated? How can you love someone who was so abusive were you just looking at the good times together? I feel I haven't experience true love or any love at all just a ***** of a time. 



sisters359 said:


> No time to write more, but you need to leave--separate at the very least--until she accepts that she has a problem. If she still does not accept that and accept counseling, you have no future together. You've done all you can. Leave with a clear conscious.


I am thinking about seperation so she knows the severity of the problems we have with maybe reconcilation.


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