# Bored



## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

I am so utterly bored.. I know every word that is going to come out of his mouth. We don't fight. We are alike in so many ways. We think alike in so many ways. And i am bored stiff. I sit on our dates trying to figure out what to say... Been married 27 years....


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

do something new.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Welcome to the club. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

So what have you tried to spice things up?


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

We've been trying dates. Not sure how to spice it up.. Only making love a couple of times a month. I wish it was every day, but he is just way too tired. We smile weakly at each other. Been a ton of stuff thrown at us over the last 5 years or so as well.. When we dated, he was the one that made me laugh and kept me from taking life too seriously. He just isn't capable of that any more.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

hazel55 said:


> We've been trying dates. Not sure how to spice it up.. Only making love a couple of times a month. I wish it was every day, but he is just way too tired. We smile weakly at each other. Been a ton of stuff thrown at us over the last 5 years or so as well.. When we dated, he was the one that made me laugh and kept me from taking life too seriously. He just isn't capable of that any more.


Why not?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

It sounds like date night needs to be a lot more stimulating. Forget about going to dinner and a movie..BORING. Try rock wall climbing, go visit museums, go see comedy shows, volunteer, have a cookout, join a meet up group, start a meet up group! Anything but the same ole same ole, get creative and shake things up. Doing new things as a couple makes your world bigger and gives you more to talk about.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

host a costume party in the middle of a nudist colony. 
in canada. in december. 

initiate it with a mass skydiving event. 

boredom cured. your welcome.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Hard to do those things living in a very small town. Still have children to take care of...well not really, teenagers to be here when they need to eat and sleep. ha!! Half of them are gone to college... 

Plus, the job my husband has is very, very stressful and he just doesn't have the energy to do exciting stuff. His medical problem a year ago took it all out of him.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> host a costume party in the middle of a nudist colony.
> in canada. in december.
> 
> initiate it with a mass skydiving event.
> ...


That would not be boring. :smthumbup:

However, maybe start a little slower. Next date night get dressed up, in a dress or skirt mind you, and while you're out tell him "I'm not wearing any underwear." Needless to say you shouldn't be wearing underwear at the time. See how he reacts. The shorter the skirt the better.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Can you start planning to downsize lifestyle for once kids leave so he can see a light at the end of the tunnel to exit high stress job? Thats where to START in your sitch. DUDE


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

does not have to be out of this world exciting. something that maybe you used to like together at the beginning and don't do anymore? Day long hike? biking together, etc. Comedy club? 

Was there anything in your past like this?


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Already have that. 4 1/2 years left to endure. He could probably quit now if he really wanted to, but what he is is so tied to his identity. We are very frugal and have LOTS of money in our retirement and misc. accounts.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> does not have to be out of this world exciting. something that maybe you used to like together at the beginning and don't do anymore? Day long hike? biking together, etc. Comedy club?
> 
> Was there anything in your past like this?


We went to church. Took picnics, etc. We still do all that. My sister used to say we were the most boring couple she ever met. 

Comedy club won't work because of the profanity.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

hazel55 said:


> We went to church. Took picnics, etc. We still do all that. My sister used to say we were the most boring couple she ever met.
> 
> Comedy club won't work because of the profanity.


Is church the only thing you can do together? You are still doing it, so that would not be nothing new. Comedy club was just an idea, there must be something else you would do togerh. Sign up for cooking lessons? Photography, yoga, palatis. anything. as long you both want to give it a shot.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Lots of things to do in a small town. 
Hire a sitter and on a clear night go out and have a picnic under the stars

Go on Netflix and try to find the absolute worst movie ever made and watch it. 

Have wild sex - often.

Find the silliest tourist attractions in your area (worlds largest ball of string sort of thing). 

Buy a toy drone and learn to fly it. 

Get the most outrageous lingerie you can find and wear it for him.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

hazel55 said:


> Already have that. 4 1/2 years left to endure. He could probably quit now if he really wanted to, but what he is is so tied to his identity. We are very frugal and have LOTS of money in our retirement and misc. accounts.


SHOCKING...THIS IS YOUR MAIN ISSUE!!! The stress will prevent any enjoyment and lovey dovey time stuff...DUDE


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

hazel55 said:


> I am so utterly bored..


Boredom is repressed anger, so they say..



hazel55 said:


> I know every word that is going to come out of his mouth.


Is that what's boring you, that he's so predictable? 



hazel55 said:


> We don't fight. We think alike in so many ways.


Tacit mutual understanding not to rock the boat?



hazel55 said:


> And i am bored stiff.


Sounds like you want to see some change. But you want him to lead the way, right?



hazel55 said:


> We are alike in so many ways.


So he may be thinking and feeling exactly the same as you? Wanting to see some shift, some initiative, from you?



hazel55 said:


> I sit on our dates trying to figure out what to say


Why is it that can't you let the conversation flow freely? Is it because you've blocked yourself off from saying - or even being aware of - what you'd really like to say? - which very much would rock the boat, perhaps?



hazel55 said:


> My sister used to say we were the most boring *couple* we ever met


 [my emphasis]

So, you're bored by your husband, your sister's bored by both of you, and, since you and your husband are "alike in so many ways", your husband is probably bored by you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here's a book that should help you a lot. The author also has some good lectures and Ted Talks on youtube.


Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

You have an opportunity to make changes that will make your marriage relationship what you want it to be. But it's up to you to do that.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Do something illegal together. Get drunk together. Role play. Find a way to break out of your comfort zone and see if that affects the libido. 

Question. Forget about your partner for a second. Are you bored individually?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have never heard that boredom is repressed anger. Boredom is lack of stimuli, a lack of new, exciting and or interesting things in our environment.

Frustration is repressed anger.... anger turned inward if you will.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hazel55 said:


> We went to church. Took picnics, etc. We still do all that. My sister used to say we were the most boring couple she ever met.
> 
> Comedy club won't work because of the profanity.


One of the best ways to rejuvenate a marriage is to find something to do together were can support each other, learn together and then turn it into some interesting things to do. 

How about taking up something like suba diving and doing it together.

I know a couple who did this. We live in the middle of the desert.. so no place to suba dive here. But they took lessons that are given in a swimming pool. Then they start taking vacations with the group from their classes... suba vacations. It's been more than a decade now and they are still doing it. They've traveled all over the world to different spots, have made tons of friends.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Find things you can get excited about both individually and together. What are some of things you've dreamed of doing but haven't yet? Traveling to an exotic place, experiences, adventures yet to be had. Put your heads together and find something you both would like to do. Research, investigate and plan to make it happen together. Individually, branch out, find hobbies so you can each bring something new to the table. You need to shake things up and break out of the funk of monotony. Start doing it on your own if he wont get on board.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Mike6211 said:


> Boredom is repressed anger, so they say..
> 
> 
> 
> ...


*I haven't seen my sister in a decade. She said that when we were dating 30 years ago. I honestly don't know if he is bored by me. The only thing that makes him unhappy is his job. *


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

inarut said:


> Find things you can get excited about both individually and together. What are some of things you've dreamed of doing but haven't yet? Traveling to an exotic place, experiences, adventures yet to be had. Put your heads together and find something you both would like to do. Research, investigate and plan to make it happen together. Individually, branch out, find hobbies so you can each bring something new to the table. You need to shake things up and break out of the funk of monotony. Start doing it on your own if he wont get on board.


I honestly don't know what I would be exciting... We've been all over the United States as well as England, Africa, Honduras, France, Germany and Hawaii ( Ok, that is part of the US, but it doesn't feel like it.) 

You travel, but when you come back the same old problems are still there. It doesn't take them away. Your husband is miserable at work. You child doesn't want to be on the planet.... Your parent is dying...whatever... Even when I can get away and forget, it makes it that much harder when you get back to "reality."


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What are your hobbies. what excites you.. your passions.. what are his? 

Do you have a "Bucket list?".. does he... have you ever asked ??










I could recommend a book to help you get started with more pointed questions to open up the communication -to lead to ideas, what you share...things you may have been missing.. all along..... it's not so much about SPICE as reaching deeper to know each other...with open ended questions.. 

The book >>  Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be 

I did a thread on this book here >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-intimacy-insight-open-ended-questions.html

My husband can be "predictable".. I've had to LEAD new ideas, activities, 95% of the time this doesn't bother me... I'm naturally more creative, and feel the freedom to plan, even enjoy it ... though sometimes ....if I sit back and dwell on it. I have caused a fight or 2 that he needs to bring a little more Surprise now & then... (but this always ends in make up sex.. so it's not all bad) 

Which in the relationship has generally lead the "new stuff", planned the vacations.. when was the last time you had a vacation.. do you ever do anything out of your comfort zone??.. 

You say he is only unhappy with his job.. so he's a pretty easy going guy.. so if you come up with a new idea.. is he always game.. does he appreciate doing something new.. 

Sounds like you'd like more sex..







have you surprised him with some sexy lingerie ? Go on a shopping spree.. 

So many ways to spice things up. Introduce a new position.. could visit this website... List of All Sex Positions

So many books on this you could pick up too.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Simply Amorous,

Thanks. I'm printing off the questions.

As far as sex... I've got 10 books or more hidden in my closet... I did get out one, Sheet Music, and marked it up with all sorts of questions...one of which was the person's assertion that you should parade around in more lingerie.. My question was if he really liked that or if it made him feel pressured. I can wear lingerie or even parade around naked and slip into bed and he doesn't notice. As I said, I marked up the book. I asked him a couple of time and he kept saying he would get to it... It is 4 months later..


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you discussed your ennui with your doctor? They might find you to be depressed and can prescribe an anti-depressant. 

Your husband's disinterest in things may be due to the fact that two years ago 'he was happy as a clam' and then he learned that you weren't. 

Frankly, I'd never retire if all I had to look forward to was a depressed spouse every day for the rest of my life.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

I am on an anti-depressent. Let me rephrase the happy as a clam. He was so happy with me and SO unhappy at work. In fact, he was in a state of depression over his work situation ( not that he would admit it). I am the only person he talks to though about stuff like that. I'm tired of being his only emotional support.. Actually everyones... I would pretend to be happy and upbeat and try to cheer him up when he came home complaining about work all the time. All the stress actually caused a major medical event.... He is only working 1/2 time now... I just couldn't handle that anymore. I need someone to cheer me up. I am SO tired of being the cheerleader and just cannot do it anymore. I've done it for 20 years..now it is his turn.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Any other thoughts?


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Why does he continue to work at a job he hates?

Are you working?


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Because sometimes he loved it. Because this job defines him. He dreamed of being it as a small child. He loves parts of his job, there is just one part he cannot stand and you cannot do this job without doing it. He doesn't want to admit he can't do it...well, that is not true. He can, but now that he is in his 50's he can't bounce back as quickly especially since the medical incident.

No, I don't "work." I homeschool our remaining child and teach a couple of homeschool classes and lead some Bible studies.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Any thoughts?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Besides shocking him that you weren't happy a few years ago, what else happened back then? Maybe I'm off here but I'm sensing the rest of the story is missing. Was there someone else in the picture before that took your heart and now you can't feel it with hubby anymore?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I've generally found that bored people are boring people. I'm guessing you don't push yourself out of your comfort zone very much.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Wearing lingerie and having sex on the kitchen table isn't going to fix this. You are obviously not happy with your life. You're on anti-depressants. That's not going to fix anything either. A pill can't make you stop living in a cage of your own making. It might make you ambivalent about it, but it's certainly not going to have the miracle effect of making you happy about it. I'm not saying dump everyone and dump everything and run off with the pool cleaner. I'm saying start doing something, anything, different from what you are doing now. E.g. Go get your motorcycle license. Just an example, and I only thought of that because I did that yesterday. Terrifying and thrilling all at the same time.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

jsmart said:


> Besides shocking him that you weren't happy a few years ago, what else happened back then? Maybe I'm off here but I'm sensing the rest of the story is missing. Was there someone else in the picture before that took your heart and now you can't feel it with hubby anymore?


Nope... Just woke up and thought...wow, we work well together. We make a great team, but I feel like his secretary... At that point we hadn't been on a date in who knows when. He was taking special trips with each child each year, but not with me.. That has changed. Plus, most of the kids are out of the nest now. I don't know. It just feels like a working relationship. 

What has made it worse lately is looking at one of our son's with his girlfriend. He is so protective, so sacrificial. He is just so smitten with her.... I wish someone would be that smitten with me.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

breeze said:


> I've generally found that bored people are boring people. I'm guessing you don't push yourself out of your comfort zone very much.


Yep, I'm pretty boring. I'm terrified of conflict and pretty much like safe.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

hazel55 said:


> Yep, I'm pretty boring. I'm terrified of conflict and pretty much like safe.


So do something about it. You get one life; you can waste it cowering in the corner or you can live it like it's worth having.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

I don't have a clue how to do that.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

hazel55 said:


> Nope... Just woke up and thought...wow, we work well together. We make a great team, but I feel like his secretary... At that point we hadn't been on a date in who knows when. He was taking special trips with each child each year, but not with me.. That has changed. Plus, most of the kids are out of the nest now. I don't know. It just feels like a working relationship.
> 
> What has made it worse lately is looking at one of our son's with his girlfriend. He is so protective, so sacrificial. He is just so smitten with her.... *I wish someone would be that smitten with me*.


Some men, especially introverted men don't know how to show affection but if your hubby has been with you all of these years, you have to know he loves you. 

I would recommend that you both read the "Love Languages" book and get him to read "Married Man Sex Life." Some men need a 2x4 before they get it. 

It can be turned around. My fear is that you are ripe for a smooth talker to snatch you up into an affair. Please guard yourself.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

If you have money in retirement, he should find something less stressful now, or he will die of stress before he spends it. I left a career in IT and went to work in a factory. Less money, LESS STRESS. Much more relaxed around family.

One thing you said caught my attention - 

"When we dated, he was the one that made me laugh and kept me from taking life too seriously. He just isn't capable of that any more." 

You can't expect your spouse to make you happy. That has to come from inside you. He is probably at his wits end trying to keep up with work AND keep his wife happy.

I'll throw some questions/ suggestions out, keep in mind they are coming from a male point of view. 

I'm concerned that he does not pay attention when you walk around naked. He's either not interested, OR, have you done that in the past & used it as a control. Meaning, you get his attention, then shut him down when he attempted to initiate something. If you played that game, you are reaping what you sowed.

Stress can be a real libido killer. Any chance of getting a few days away as a couple. 

On the way to the hotel, tell him you want to reconnect, don't talk a lot, just let him know you want to be with him. Once your in the room, give him a all the way BJ, get a brazilian & tell him to start eating, or something else you normally would never do. Him not paying attention to a naked wife could be he's BORED with you. Get a little freaky. 

The old saying "Be a lady in public & a total ***** in the bedroom"

Dwelling on your boredom is only setting yourself up to be open to the attentions of some other male.

Let your husband know it is OK to leave his current career. It's extremely scary to walk away from a position you worked so hard to get to. Could he take a year break? Find something else with thought of returning later?


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> If you have money in retirement, he should find something less stressful now, or he will die of stress before he spends it. I left a career in IT and went to work in a factory. Less money, LESS STRESS. Much more relaxed around family.
> 
> *From your lips to God's ears..or my husbands. Even my daughter said the other day, why doesn't dad just quit... Because that is who he is sweetie...*
> 
> ...


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

jsmart said:


> I would recommend that you both read the "Love Languages" book and get him to read "Married Man Sex Life." Some men need a 2x4 before they get it.
> 
> .


My husband is VERY affectionate. He holds my hand, cuddles with me in bed, etc. I have Love Languages and 20 other marriage books... I will have to see about the other book. I gave him the book Sheet Music. I marked it up with questions and comments and asked him to read it. i asked him a few weeks later and he said, "Oh no, he hadn't gotten to it..." A few weeks later, same response. That was 4 months ago...


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I could tell you multiple stories of people that I know that worked until one day they finally decided to retire / cut back. They died within a couple of years.

Would you be willing to be in a smaller house? Have you heard of Dave Ramsey? He has a national radio show with the tagline "Debt is dumb and the paid off mortgage is the new status symbol" Sell some assets, invest proceeds and live a simpler, less expensive life.

I spent years working on a career, I have a understanding of his reluctance, but no one on their deathbed says "I wish I could have worked more". My wife used to say that to me a lot, took us awhile to get rid of enough debt so I could take a pay cut.

I know I'm preaching to the choir, I wish you the best! I also commend you for giving him the Sheet Music book.

Also, I think it is really awesome in this day & age you are aware of boundaries and making sure you are not alone with other men. 
Too many stories in the Coping with infidelity where that was not done.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Frazzled,

Smile.. money isn't a problem. We are the Dave Ramsey poster couple. We've never had debt except a house and we paid that off 15 years ago. When we buy a car, we pay cash. Our cars are 10 years old or more. We live off of 1/3 of his salary, but even some of that is put into savings. The other 2/3 we give away or save.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

As a grown woman and mother you should not confused the lack of drama for boredom. Would you be happier if your husband were out gallivanting around with friends playing you out. Read some of the threads of woman complaining about unfaithful husbands. If after so many years he still affectionate that should tell you plenty. You can't fake affection. 

It sounds like maybe you need to look inside yourself. Find out what planted this seed that you're bored. Sometimes things take hold and fester. You need to proactively work on seeing the positive. The path you're on leads to misery for all involved if allowed to follow through to completion. 

Frivorce is a serious problem. 70% of divorces are initiated by woman and most are for frivolous reasons like "I'm bored." , "we've grown apart." ETC. There is an industry that glamorizes the destruction of a marriage and family so the wife can "following her heart." The movies promise an exciting life with a better man and living happily ever after but many times it just leads to loneliness as the woman goes from STR to STR, which leave them feeling cheap as they realize how much they have to give to get so little.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Divorce is not an option and not in my vocabulary. I know that he loves me very much.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

It sounds like he needs to get another interest that will replace his job so he can quit. Otherwise he may end up as the richest man in the cemetery.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Hazel, the fact that you seem to be brushing off every option that is given to you seems to suggest that you have something in mind that you would like to do and are hoping that someone will write that so that you can justify what you want to do in your marriage. If that is the case I understand, I think we are pretty well all guilty of that. What is it that you want to do? From deep inside you.

The only suggestions I can make for you is to find a hobby or something new you can do that is just for you. Scrapbooking, painting, or something similar that you would like to do, perhaps even something you have always wanted to do but never thought you could when the kids were little.

My husband also had a major health issue recently; he had a heart attack nearly 2 years ago. This changed him a lot, and I have found out this is not uncommon. As a doctor, your husband is probably only too aware of his mortality, especially after health problems. I too have had to be the emotional support for him and family for the last 2 years and feel like I am drained of all life as you find yourself. I have started making plans of what I want to do that is just for me and am not looking to my husband any more to be my provider of happiness.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Then stop giving voice to this "boredom." Just dwelling on it give it power. Work on the positive. Know that under your husbands prudence and hard work, you will have a secure retirement. I live in south Florida. Many seniors here. It breaks my heart to see retirees in the Publix parking lot gathering shopping carts or carry carts out to peoples car in the hot Florida sun. 

Your boring husband is busting his hump so that 15 years from now you won't have the excitement of manual labor. He shows his love through work. Return his affection in an enthusiastic manner with that spark in a woman's eyes that get men willing to crawl on glass to experience and stop this talk of boredom.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

You just sound depressed. Boredom can be a sign of depression. Its not really boredom but a loss of interest doing most things and lacking motivation to do much. 

Either your depression is making you feel unhappy with your life or your life circumstances have led you into depression. Talk to a doctor about increasing or decreasing your medicine or switching to a new type. When did you notice these feelings and when/why were you originally put on an anti depressant? Think back to the last period of your life you remember looking forward to something you always enjoyed. 

You mentioned coming back from vacations to reality. You mentioned a dying parent. Is your parent still dying? Why was your son suicidal? With these events going on its not surprising that you are depressed. I would encourage you to seek out therapy to help yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

I'm in therapy... 

Yes, I am eternally grateful that I am married to a good man, a man of integrity. I tell him thank you for the things he does all the time.

I will go look for something new and different to do...our local cc only offers flower arranging, scrapbooking and dog grooming... YUCK.. I won't give up, though. You are right. IT is up to me. 

He is on the phone in bed again, looking at guns and looking at rv boards... Sigh...

Look deep inside and what do I want: sex. I had another dirty dream about my husband last night. So many things we haven't done that I would like to do.... I tried to take a baby step a couple of years ago and left the light on...he asked me why I would do that...so I can see you... He kept his eyes closed the entire time... And that is when I was 35 pounds lighter before the anti-depressents. ( I've since switched the type as it gave me other bad side effects. I've lost 5 of those pounds now and am working and exercising to get back to the size 4 that I know he likes, but an 8 isn't bad after 4 kids)

No, I am not looking for an affair partner... Sex is such an intimate and holy thing. My husband and i have only made love to each other... I am looking for hot sex with him. He is the one I have dirty dreams about... 

But you are right, I should count my blessings because this probably will not change. It just doesn't feel like a "hobby" will fix that. Yes, a lot of things have happened over the last 5 years particularly. My therapist says I have a right to say, this is yucky and I don't like it. I'm just so tired of not being able to fix any of it...

Rather than a hobby, I will probably look for more charity work. That seems like a more productive use of my time.

Thanks again for letting me figure things out by picking your brains..


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

pragmaster said:


> Do something illegal together.


LOL! There's nothing more bonding than sharing a prison sentence.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> You can't expect your spouse to make you happy. That has to come from inside you. He is probably at his wits end trying to keep up with work AND keep his wife happy.


From the way you describe your husband, I'd guess he is pretty intuitive, and likes to solve problems, or at least is in the habit of solving problems for others. (is he in police work by any chance?)

He likely is all too aware of your boredom, and is worrying about that on top of everything else.

Just to toss out a possibly crazy idea, have you ever considered buying a piece of land? A hobby farm, raise a few calves, enjoy the outdoors, build a cabin? Land is a good, stable investment most places, and maintaining it requires your attention. This could give him a way to ease into retirement. Can also create tax breaks, in some instances.

Maybe that's not your bag. Living in town would bore me.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

We live on land. He is taking several calves to the sale barn next week. Thus city gal has learmed to make jam, hot sauce and put up tons of veggies. He has so many plans for this place. He won't be bored, but he cannot imagine not doing his profession.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

hazel55 said:


> My husband is VERY affectionate. He holds my hand, cuddles with me in bed, etc. I have Love Languages and 20 other marriage books... I will have to see about the other book. I gave him the book Sheet Music. I marked it up with questions and comments and asked him to read it. i asked him a few weeks later and he said, "Oh no, he hadn't gotten to it..." A few weeks later, same response. That was 4 months ago...


The married man sex guide book is very female unfriendly.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The Married Man Sex book is for MEN. I recommended that she get it for her husband not for herself. The author is very pro-marriage and the book is a guide for men to improve themselves so they can be better husbands. The book's language could be the wake up call that OP's hubby needs to realize he's not meeting his wife's needs. 

Sheesh to have my wife dreaming about sex with me after all these years. So freaking hot. He needs a 2x4 upside his head.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

jsmart said:


> The Married Man Sex book is for MEN. I recommended that she get it for her husband not for herself. The author is very pro-marriage and the book is a guide for men to improve themselves so they can be better husbands. The book's language could be the wake up call that OP's hubby needs to realize he's not meeting his wife's needs.
> 
> Sheesh to have my wife dreaming about sex with me after all these years. So freaking hot. He needs a 2x4 upside his head.


I'm well acquainted with the book and author. If you like it fine but I don't.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

hazel55 said:


> *Look deep inside and what do I want: sex. I had another dirty dream about my husband last night. So many things we haven't done that I would like to do.... * I tried to take a baby step a couple of years ago and left the light on...he asked me why I would do that...so I can see you... He kept his eyes closed the entire time... And that is when I was 35 pounds lighter before the anti-depressents. ( I've since switched the type as it gave me other bad side effects. I've lost 5 of those pounds now and am working and exercising to get back to the size 4 that I know he likes, but an 8 isn't bad after 4 kids)
> 
> *No, I am not looking for an affair partner... Sex is such an intimate and holy thing. My husband and i have only made love to each other... I am looking for hot sex with him. He is the one I have dirty dreams about... *


 You sound an awful lot like me when I turned age 42..and landed on this forum. just to keep my mind pre-occupied.. so I wouldn't delve into porn sites (sounds awful I know).. 

Like you ....myself & H has only been with each other...after 6 kids.. I got an IUD.. I suddenly had this HUGE sex drive increase.. I wanted to go back in time something terrible...it wasn't about what I missed.. but what "WE" missed...

I just felt like the last 18 yrs were about the kids..and realized we've been missing each other in some ways.. we always did Family vacations.. but never got off alone -just the 2 of us...

So suddenly I wanted to do all those things I felt *we* missed...I was very enthusiastic about it.... Passion & wild sex were at the top of the list.. Mid Life Crisis anyone.. If this was a mid life crisis on my end.. it was seriously one of the best things that ever happened to us.. (not the normal story I know)....

It was ALL Sexual... I wasn't much interested in anything else.. he'd come through the door and I'd about attack him.. 

I took the bull by the horns and & went out of my way spicing things up.. had alot of fun with that..

My husband was game though.. he was a little stressed at his job when I came into this.. I even had his testosterone checked as he couldn't keep up with me.. funny looking back ....We can laugh about this.. I had to downplay why he was REALLY there. (WIfe just wanted more sex!)... 

I just wonder if you're going through that *sexual Surge* some of us women go through.. have found a handful + women posters here who spoke about it.. ??


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jsmart said:


> *The Married Man Sex book is for MEN. I recommended that she get it for her husband not for herself. The author is very pro-marriage and the book is a guide for men to improve themselves so they can be better husbands. The book's language could be the wake up call that OP's hubby needs to realize he's not meeting his wife's needs. *
> 
> Sheesh to have my wife dreaming about sex with me after all these years. So freaking hot. He needs a 2x4 upside his head.


I bought this book out of pure curiosity.. the author used to post on this forum... his explaining the meaning of Alpha / Beta caught my attention.. it was a very different definition over what "Pick up artists" speak about Beta being all Puzzy whipped worthless weaklings.. 

So I bought the book.. I am one of the few women here who is not offended by Athol Kay and how he speaks.. to be fair... my husband could have used some of what has been written in there to get a little more action out of me back in the day.... 

But he was never much of a reader...I'm the reader.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

jsmart said:


> The Married Man Sex book is for MEN. I recommended that she get it for her husband not for herself. The author is very pro-marriage and the book is a guide for men to improve themselves so they can be better husbands. The book's language could be the wake up call that OP's hubby needs to realize he's not meeting his wife's needs.
> 
> *Sheesh to have my wife dreaming about sex with me after all these years. So freaking hot. He needs a 2x4 upside his head.*


I thought the same thing.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It was ALL Sexual... I wasn't much interested in anything else.. he'd come through the door and I'd about attack him..
> 
> 
> I just wonder if you're going through that *sexual Surge* some of us women go through.. have found a handful + women posters here who spoke about it.. ??


Oh my gosh, yes. Someone mentioned what happened a couple of years ago for me to wake up... I got off birth control because he got "fixed." It was like wow... I had no idea the pills were subduing me that much. Yeah, hubby asks why I wasn't like this in his 20's. ( Which made me ask, oh dear... was I not receptive enough. He said I was great.)

But yeah, I feel like what have we missed..... I'm just so horny all of the time... It is horrible...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

hazel55 said:


> I'm just so horny all of the time... It is horrible...


 When Harry Met Sally (1989) - "I'll have what she's having"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCwW-4_I_Zk


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

hazel55 said:


> Oh my gosh, yes. Someone mentioned what happened a couple of years ago for me to wake up... I got off birth control because he got "fixed." It was like wow... I had no idea the pills were subduing me that much. Yeah, hubby asks why I wasn't like this in his 20's. ( Which made me ask, oh dear... was I not receptive enough. He said I was great.)
> 
> But yeah, I feel like what have we missed..... I'm just so horny all of the time... It is horrible...


I completely understand..:smile2: It would be *tormenting* if you feel he doesn't want what YOU WANT, this craving is intense..... I have seen threads here .. where the husband has been shut off for SO MANY YEARS (doesn't sound like in your case thankfully )......but these men have grown very resentful with rejection after rejection after rejection -to where their sex drive has shut down, they almost willed it -didn't care anymore ...then THIS hits the wife.. and it's almost like sweet Revenge.. she then gets a taste of her own medicine... 

It's almost like a cruel trick the Gods play on us.. Men are in their sexual Prime in their 20's.. and women it's our late 30's - 40's. 

I wish I could find the old thread here about a woman who took the pill for years.. when she went off it it. she went WILD for sex.. her husband never thought he'd see the day... it caused him a lot of heartache over the years.. total disconnect... then she felt sooo bad ..... 

I never took hormonal birth control, I always had a drive.. just not AS OFTEN as my husband did...he would've loved every day.. where that just wasn't something on my mind - unless he pursued to get me going, something turned me on...or days went by.. 

Then those tables turned...







...were my eyes opened.. I seriously asked him.. how in the world did he contain himself when he was younger wanting MORE ...

I've found...I have FAR LESS PATIENCE in this area over my husband... I would get very moody if I thought he didn't want me.. 

I went on a lingerie kick... bought sex book after sex book...This was the 1st .....loved this one...

 Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a ManAnything to better my technique ..to get him in the mood for "taking me"... this was the highlight of my day..

This was another good one....it breaks down the different libido types, how we express our desire, explores our expectation- how this can conflict with different libido types.....this book helped me a lot in seeing that we were a very good match.. even if a little backwards compared to the norm..

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life 

Mine also wished I was more like that when we were younger.. had I been... I don't think we would have gotten any work done..

I felt like my mind was hi-jacked or something... I didn't need any foreplay for months... I had other symptoms -sounded like a testosterone surge of some sort.. it was SO DISTRACTING ....yet I ENJOYED Feeding it.. it was like a HIGH... I hardly needed any sleep/ this excess energy ...and I couldn't keep my hands off of him.. .. if he pushed me away. I would have been crushed.. It seemed I had this heightened sensitivity to his wanting me -to go along with my higher drive...

Here is something I found on the net to explain a little of our hormones changing as we age...though mine seemed more like a flood came over me... 



> *Balance the seesaw.* When they were first married, the man remembered, he always took the sexual lead, pulling his wife close and whispering his desire to make love. But now, 20 years later, she often makes the first move.
> 
> Again, hormonal changes are bringing the couple into closer balance. Men and women both produce testosterone and estrogen, but the proportion of each changes over the years.
> 
> The male's shifting levels of estrogen and testosterone may make him more willing to follow than to lead, happy for his wife to set the pace. And as a woman's estrogen declines and her testosterone becomes proportionately greater, she may become more assertive.


You're not alone.. this does settle down in due time... I so understand what you are going through.. 

Just hope you & husband can find a way to connect & enjoy these years....reviving the passion, intimacy, excitement...be open minded to anything he suggests... communication is paramount ...

Anything to reduce his stress on your end..do what you can at home to make his life as relaxing as possible... seek to find what excites him/ turns him on...when he's most likely to be receptive to your advances (mornings are generally the most welcome time for older men -as their Test levels are highest in the am -after a good nights sleep)...

Tap into these things...and hopefully he will come around.. 

If he is very stressed at work.. his testosterone levels could be LOW also.. something to consider..


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Simply Amorous,

Thank you so very much!! I will look into those books..

I've always kept it very peaceful on the home front...too much so. I could be crying and so upset and having a rotten day and when he came home I would be smiling, giving him a backrub, etc.. I didn't want to add to his stress... Until I just couldn't anymore... that was part of the breakdown. I had been so strong for him all of those years. I needed him to be strong for me... It wasn't all his fault. He had no clue how much I was suffering. At one point we were both just so down we would just cry together.

Yeah, the stress of his job caused the medical event a year ago. I have trouble not hating his profession. He cares so much for people, but he has given all of himself and more to them. He has nothing left... That said, over the last year he has been making changes and I have been seeing some progress. He has been learning to say no and to draw some boundaries at work. The work has never been about the money. It has been about serving and helping people. The money has been a nice side benefit, though we see it as something we use to give back and bless others with so we give away at least 20 percent each year. 

He is such a good man and I love him with all my heart. I feel so horrible when I feel discontented... I need to just count my blessings.

Thanks again for the book suggestions... I have about 10 sex books hidden in the closet. I'll see if I can find those and add them to the collection.

I know morning is best, but he gets up at 4:30 each morning and is out the door by 6am most days. Plus, how can I say this politely.... I don't feel Mr. Happy as he cuddles next to me the way I did for the first 15 to 20 years in the morning. Does that make sense? I take advantage of Saturday mornings when he is home.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

jsmart said:


> Frivorce is a serious problem. *70% of divorces are initiated by woman and most are for frivolous reasons like "I'm bored." , "we've grown apart." ETC. *There is an industry that glamorizes the destruction of a marriage and family so the wife can "following her heart." The movies promise an exciting life with a better man and living happily ever after but many times it just leads to loneliness as the woman goes from STR to STR, which leave them feeling cheap as they realize how much they have to give to get so little.


Prove it. Give me links to statistis about it, showing "I'm bored" as a reason for divorce.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> Prove it. Give me links to statistis about it, showing "I'm bored" as a reason for divorce.


That didn't sound right to me either. This is what I found but I don't know the validity of the statement:

The most common reason women give for leaving their husbands is "mental cruelty." When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they have been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husband's efforts to drive them crazy. It is usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating other forms of neglect.

Why Women Leave Men


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

hazel55 said:


> Simply Amorous,
> 
> Thank you so very much!! I will look into those books..
> 
> *I've always kept it very peaceful on the home front...too much so. I could be crying and so upset and having a rotten day and when he came home I would be smiling, giving him a backrub, etc.. I didn't want to add to his stress... Until I just couldn't anymore... that was part of the breakdown. I had been so strong for him all of those years. I needed him to be strong for me... It wasn't all his fault. He had no clue how much I was suffering. * At one point we were both just so down we would just cry together.


 Sorry to hear this Hazel55....this has to be very very difficult on a woman....your husband IS a workaholic...sounds you have always been a pleaser.. a giver.. his helpmate.. but he hasn't been giving AS MUCH in return.. he has taken on this lifestyle which he feels his making X amount of money should be enough... but it's NOT..

You are slowly drowning beside him ...for years even.. while he doesn't realize HOW NEGLECTED YOU FEEL... This is a problem.. and women DO have affairs over this [email protected]#....and men loose their marriages. 

I would think this has caused some *resentment* over the years also?? 



> Yeah, the stress of his job caused the medical event a year ago. I have trouble not hating his profession. * He cares so much for people, but he has given all of himself and more to them. He has nothing left... * That said, over the last year he has been making changes and I have been seeing some progress. He has been learning to say no and to draw some boundaries at work. The work has never been about the money. It has been about serving and helping people. The money has been a nice side benefit, though we see it as something we use to give back and bless others with so we give away at least 20 percent each year.


Your husband needs to look at his priorities...before it's too late... no one has to give away 20% of their income... with as much money as he makes. he is in the fine position to have more options and to scale back... and devout time to his wife..

This is a NEED right now for you.. you need to find a way to communicate this to him.. sternly so he "gets it".. that you are suffering here.. 

Can you give us some idea how many hours a day you get to spend with him, just YOU & Him, you feel affection, his attention, you feel heard, understood?... and how often you do make love, it is just that once a week on a Saturday??

A woman can use the term BORED when trying to stress she's lost her happiness, her will to keep trying, feeling it is hopeless and she feels alone... APATHY has set it..

Here is a post I did a while back on Apathy...



> If someone is not happy, for whatever reason (even if she is too emotional)... if they feel their spouse is utterly oblivious to this - his attitude ..."what is wrong with her, we have a good marriage". All this will scream ...."he just does not get me!!...and there is nothing I can do....this is who he is".......It would zap something deep inside of such women...feeling the marriage has no hope...
> 
> How important, when the laughter stops in the home, the smiles, the I love you's ...to FIGHT for getting back to this place....once again talking to each other , seeking how the other feels, trying to look outside of our lenses to their point of view... ....this is what was needed.....Otherwise one could be silently drowning right beside us.
> 
> ...


Take your sex books out of the closet.. open up to him.. tell him what you need, you crave... how you want passion back.. You are his wife.. You are a priority...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Heatherknows said:


> That didn't sound right to me either. This is what I found but I don't know the validity of the statement:
> 
> The most common reason women give for leaving their husbands is "mental cruelty." When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they have been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husband's efforts to drive them crazy. *It is usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating other forms of neglect.*
> 
> Why Women Leave Men


Excellent article... So very true ! Willard F. Harley....the His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  author, his website there...a great marriage source..

There is a Questionnaire below you & your husband could fill out, this is another way to introduce your needs to him.. if speaking them face to face has been difficult for you.... 

There are the Core Emotional Needs addressed in his book... 


> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> ...










 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









........


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Excellent article... So very true ! Willard F. Harley....the His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  author, his website there...a great marriage source..
> 
> There is a Questionnaire below you & your husband could fill out, this is another way to introduce your needs to him.. if speaking them face to face has been difficult for you....
> 
> ...


I like this author. He's down to earth and offers solid advice.


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## hazel55 (Oct 30, 2015)

Yes, I have all of his books and my husband and I went through this a couple of years ago ( When I first realized something was wrong.)
At that point, he was working 60-90 hours in a week and spending 35 or more family time and he and I got 1 or 2 hours. He was all about family. He takes more time off than anyone else for family vacations. His top needs were 1. openess and honesty 2. affection 3. Family Commitment 4. Attractive wife 5. Sex My top needs were 1. Recreational Companionship 2. Sex 3. Admiration 4. Affection 5. Conversation

After many, many conversations he has realized that I needed to be a higher priority than the kids. We stared weekly dates and some getaways by ourselves. Now that all but one child is out of the house and that one child is a teenager with tons of activities, we have a lot of time by ourselves, especially since the medical issue he is now working 35 hours a week with the exception of when he has to work on the weekends, then it is more like 65-70. Making love has typically been a couple of times a month. 

If I can't even get him to read Sheet Music, I'm not sure what good it will be to get out the other 10.... We have never talked about sex. Our first conversation about it ever was doing those emotional needs questionnaires... That is when I told him I would like it to be 3 or 4 times a week. He said that was fine, but he is generally way too tired for that to have happened.

BTW, I sent you a private message. I'm not sure if it went through or not.


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