# Relationship lies



## Lehua (Jun 5, 2020)

What do you do when you find out that your spouse was never faithful? Never!!

I can’t trust again.

I know it’s him. He even told his girlfriend we were divorced (but we weren’t) and they got married! Obviously, a different and long story there. But all of that just makes me feel like I was just invisible or never mattered. I took care of my family. I was the bread winner, took care of the kids, and took care of the house. I’m just feeling really low.
How do you get your spirits up?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If he got married without divorcing you that makes him a bigamist. 
That’s illegal.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I discovered after 21 years together, 15+ years married, that my husband had never been faithful for more than a few months at a time. 

I got my spirits up by divorcing him as quickly as possible and moving on with my life, having as little to do with him as possible while sharing a child.


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## Lehua (Jun 5, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> If he got married without divorcing you that makes him a bigamist.
> That’s illegal.


Yep. And he lied on his government form (marriage application) because it asks for date of dissolution and I’m trying to figure out what he put but it was a lie.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lehua said:


> Yep. And he lied on his government form (marriage application) because it asks for date of dissolution and I’m trying to figure out what he put but it was a lie.


This link might help you https://www.hg.org/legal-articles/bigamy-in-the-u-s-is-it-criminal-in-all-states-48723


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lehua said:


> What do you do when you find out that your spouse was never faithful? Never!!
> 
> I can’t trust again.
> 
> ...


You need to think of it like this. Say you were on the subway and someone got on and told you that God told them that the sun would explode at 2 o'clock on Saturday. Now lets say you waited until Saturday and guess what it didn't happen. Now do you never trust anyone you talk to in public. You see my point? 

Your husband has just as much relevance as the crazy person who is convinced they are Jesus that you meet on the subway (Actually I should apologize to the crazy person on the subway for putting them in with such bad company). That is also about as much relevance he should have in your future decision making. Sure you can and should feel sorry for the person on the Subway (your husband sounds like a POS so I have no sympathy) but you shouldn't be making assessments of people and even human nature using him as the representation. 

Look it sounds like you picked a lemon, you can go two ways. You can work on your picker and with that and experience make a better more well informed decision or you can write off everyone. Truth is everyone who gets cheated on (I include myself) should at least use that to asses our choices, and how we make those choices. I know I did. That was a good thing, what I didn't do is say all women or all people are full of ****. Just the asshole who cheated on me. The world is full of "less evolved" species of human, the key is to try to keep them as far away from your life a possible. They don't even deserve head space.

Here is the good news not everyone is like your husband, he is not lucky or whatever he is just garbage. Keep reminding yourself that you are a better person then him (yeah I judge people on how they treat others, and everyone should) and should be glad to be rid of him. But also don't settle again. Sounds like you were too nice. (see my other post). Make yourself the best you you can be and then go see what's out there. But even if there is no one remember you can still have a great life. You don't need someone. 

Seriously! Sometimes you just got to say what was I thinking shake your head and move on. Life is too short. 

It's like Star Wars Rise of Skywalker - it was so bad why even waste time caring. (Sorry just watched that abomination.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lehua said:


> What do you do when you find out that your spouse was never faithful? Never!!
> 
> I can’t trust again.
> 
> ...


How long have you been married to him?

Did he leave you before marrying her? Or did he carry on a double life living with both of you and lying to both of you?

Does she know now that he's not divorced from you?

Does she know that her marriage is not valid?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My spirits — and everything else — improved dramatically when I told myself I was finally done and divorce was something I needed to do. Was it easy? No. Was it worth it? Totally.

It doesn’t matter what he put in the form — a lie is a lie. Share that with his new “wife”.


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## Lehua (Jun 5, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you been married to him?
> 
> Did he leave you before marrying her? Or did he carry on a double life living with both of you and lying to both of you?
> 
> ...


We were married 9 years but together 13 years. I mean technically we have been married for 11 years because our divorce is not final.

Yes, he left me and moved in with her immediately.

They have since gotten their marriage annulled by the court for an invalid marriage. She said it’s my fault because I am “still in love with him” and wouldn’t sign the papers. My lawyers communications say other but whatever she can think what she wants. He told her that he thought things were finalized so he didn’t even realize.


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## Lehua (Jun 5, 2020)

Here’s more info:

Once he left, he stopped communicating with me, moved in with his new girlfriend and our kids even moved in too (on the days he had them). I tried to speak to her because I just wanted to know about the women who’d be with my kids, but he stopped it and said I was unreasonable.

Anyway, I ended up having to pay him spousal support. I couldn’t keep up with spousal support, mortgage, and other expense. I was going to lose the house so I had to sell. He stopped communicating with me. He and his lawyer went radio silent on mine. It came to a place where the house would just be auctioned or I could sell and still have a profit. I did the latter. He gladly accepted half of the profits but told me what I did was illegal.
Anyway, he ended up getting married to his girlfriend. We are still married. I tried to finalize things but again radio silent from his lawyer then finally when my lawyer said “It has come to our attention that your client has re-married. We need to finalize divorce and stop spousal support.” His lawyer said she had dropped him several months ago.

Fast forward, his new wife discovered he was still married. She accused me of standing in their way.... But, I wanted to finalize things. They got it annulled. When they got married, kept paying spousal support but I deducted costs of a storage that contained his belongs which included a classic car! I tried to get him to take over things but he ignored it. Now, he filed an action to get back pay on the spousal support because he had to his illegal marriage annulled. I’m so frustrated.


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## Lehua (Jun 5, 2020)

Openminded said:


> My spirits — and everything else — improved dramatically when I told myself I was finally done and divorce was something I needed to do. Was it easy? No. Was it worth it? Totally.
> 
> It doesn’t matter what he put in the form — a lie is a lie. Share that with his new “wife”.


They have since gotten their marriage annulled and now he filed a motion for me to pay backpay because I lessened spousal support after he got “married!” No he said because his marriage wasn’t valid I need to pay up. And he wants 100% of the profits from the house because I sold it without his consent even if he did know!!

he’s a piece of work.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Lehua said:


> They have since gotten their marriage annulled and now he filed a motion for me to pay backpay because I lessened spousal support after he got “married!” No he said because his marriage wasn’t valid I need to pay up. And he wants 100% of the profits from the house because I sold it without his consent even if he did know!!
> 
> *he’s a piece of work.*


In more ways than one.

Count yourself lucky he’s part of your past and not part of your future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lehua said:


> Here’s more info:
> 
> Once he left, he stopped communicating with me, moved in with his new girlfriend and our kids even moved in too (on the days he had them). I tried to speak to her because I just wanted to know about the women who’d be with my kids, but he stopped it and said I was unreasonable.
> 
> ...


Surely the court does will not give him back pay for a period when he was in a bigamous marriage.

Is your lawyer trying that argument?

What can you do to get the divorce finalized so you can get this guy out of your life?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lehua said:


> They have since gotten their marriage annulled and now he filed a motion for me to pay backpay because I lessened spousal support after he got “married!” No he said because his marriage wasn’t valid I need to pay up. And he wants 100% of the profits from the house because I sold it without his consent even if he did know!!
> 
> he’s a piece of work.


I hope you have a bull dog lawyer. Have him sued for bigamy, can that be brought up in your divorce proceedings? Ensure your lawyer and the courts wipe the floor with him if possible. Don't let him away with this, don't be ameniable, this is a war with your XH, do not play fair, he didn't, don't play nice, he hasn't. Throw everything at him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lehua said:


> We were married 9 years but together 13 years. I mean technically we have been married for 11 years because our divorce is not final.
> 
> Yes, he left me and moved in with her immediately.
> 
> They have since gotten their marriage annulled by the court for an invalid marriage. She said it’s my fault because I am “still in love with him” and wouldn’t sign the papers. My lawyers communications say other but whatever she can think what she wants. He told her that he thought things were finalized so he didn’t even realize.


Lehua... STOP seeing this guy as a terrible lose at your one chance at happiness. That just gives WAY TOO MUCH POWER to give anyone in your life. You need to see him and the situation for what it is. He was a long term relationship in your life, like all relationships with human beings involved there was some good but in this case mostly bad. That is because he took advantage of your reasonable and normal human impulse to trust, especially the person you love, and exploited it. Unfortunately some people do that. They are a less evolved species of human.

This is who this guy is, he is not a catch, he is not prince charming. He is Gaston, or Scar to continue to put it in a Disney analogy. Why are you pining away for Gaston, just because he tricked you? Imagine if Bell continued to pine after Gaston at the end of the movie or Samba worried about Scar. No you need to metaphorically throw your ex off the cliff. Sometimes that is really all there is, you don't need long talks to understand why, who cares why, dude is an asshole. Don't waste any more time on him. You know what? Almost everybody has this happen to them at some point in their life, unfortunately for you you are one of the unlucky ones who married the guy and found out, but there are others who waste their whole lives on people like him only to find out when it's too late to move on.

There are people who are tricked and people who trick others. The key is to learn to figure out who they are, granted that is hard and not always possible even for the best. But you can still get to the point that you can pick out most of them. The other key is to not allow what the did to you dominate your life and in a sense allow THEM to dominate your life. You have total control over that, stop letting this guy have power over you. You made a mistake that is OK, we all have from time to time, but the longer you let it influence your life the longer it will persist. Don't compound the mistake by making it more then it was. This guys was bad from the beginning and where you went wrong was you picked him, after that there was nothing you could do. And you picked him probably because he was good at tricking people and you didn't have the wisdom of experience to discern that. I understand that is easier said then done but it still has to be done, hard or not. IT MUST BE and it's time.

Here, right there is what you need to be working on. Not assuming because you married Gaston that everyone is Gaston, or that Gaston was the great love of your life, or you missed your chance. Chance is what YOU make it. Your ex husband is the villain of your story, don't waste your life trying to figure him out or why he did it to you. Most of all please try and stop judging your worth by someone who treats all people like garbage, and believe me liars like him do that to everyone.

Sometimes it's as simple as - you married an asshole. You probably had no experience with that. That is the ONLY THING it says about you, it happens. There is a bright beautiful world out there - and thankfully NOT EVERYONE is an asshole. Heal, learn from your experience, but have some hope that you can find someone else and have a great life, the life you wanted, maybe even the life you thought you had. I think most times people have a better life because they didn't have any context to know how much they settled in the last one. This happens to people all the time, you are no different.

*You didn't miss your chance unless YOU don't take one!*


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