# When your X brings the person she cheated on to live with her



## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

So, friends, it has been quite some time since I last posted. And now I have "graduated" from "Going through a divorce" to the "Life After Divorce" category 

I wanted to muse about a touchy topic, or at least for me it is. And that is, relationship of X with person she cheated with (oh, yah, I found out about that a while back...).

To make a long story short, my X, back when we were married, turns out, cheated on me with this guy (20 years younger than her, go figure....). He was a family friend (admittedly more a friend of hers even then than mine) and our kids have known him since they were small. This apparently went on some 2 years prior to D and now, 3-4 years after D, they are in a "relationship" (yes that's my sarcasm) and he is planning to move in with her.

Anyway it's a long story, but my point (at least one of them) is this. How do you deal with a case like this. I mean, true I wish her well, we co-parent our kids, and I would like for her to find someone. But geeezzzz does it have to be that guy?? Grrrr....

At first it was a big shock to me. Not that it was new, but the way it was revealed to me. Actually I have this to be thankful for in many ways as it facilitated my closure with her. Personally I have been doing a lot of inner work, spiritual if you will, etc etc. I am not angry (for the most part). I am disappointed, but not angry. Since he arrived I have put up a wall between them and myself and I only interact with the X regarding the kids. I have never been to her/their house since. Now I might say to myself, common, be an adult about it, etc etc. Let go of it. Even be friends. Isn't that the idea of transcending your ego? Well on the one hand yes, but on the other hand I have compassion for myself also. And as such, why should I put myself in situations that are not comfortable for me. So that is what I have been doing till now.

But then comes the question of the kids. What messages do they get out of all this? Direct and indirect? Of course I have not and will never say to them "kids, daddy does not like that guy since your mom cheated on me with him". But when it comes to not going to their house, always having separate events, etc etc, well I don't think that is the best way either.

Maybe it boils down to time. Just need to give it more time. And like I said he is 20 years younger so I mean how long can that last... (then again who knows, maybe they are truly soul mates and who am I to put that down?).

Anyway, just some thought of mine on this subject post D and in the continuing coping. Glad to hear of any similar cases you would like to share.

Peace.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Eyes, sadly this happens all the time. You just have to be the best parent you can be and let it go. No, they are not soulmates, but it really doesn't matter. Or at least you need to find a way for this NOT to matter quite so much.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

That has to sting brother. I'm sorry she is doing this. Just make sure your kids and all involved know the truth about what is going on if they ask you. But in the end, if her family and friends are willing to tolerate her relationship with him, then that is that. Nothing you can do except control what you can control and that is yourself. You cannot control what your wife tells them about your marriage. She is going to spin it any way she can to make herself look like the good guy. 

The way you fight that is to be the best person you can be. Live your life with integrity and honesty and people will see through her b.s. 

You don't have to be friends with her. Be cordial, be cooperative as much as you can in terms of dealing with the kids. Be as nice to her family as you can. Be the best man you can be at all times. 

Your only interaction with her should involve the kids. Keep contact to a bare minimum. Once the kids are grown, wash your hands of her. 

And this relationship between a guy and a woman 20 years his senior cannot last. She won't be able to have kids for him, she will grow old and more unattractive while he will still be a young man who will need sex and things that she will not be able to give him. They are stupid people.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

My Ex wife left me for the other man and moved in with him the day she left.. They have been together for 2 years now.. 

I have 2 boys, at the time of the divorce they were 13 and 8, today 15 and 10. 

My 12 year old was old enough to understand exactly what went on.. He did not want to see this man. Having been through exactly the same situation when I was 12 I completely related.. 

My Ex wife hasn't seen or spoken to my Oldest in 2 years now.. 

But now youngest.. My youngest goes with his mom 2 days each week on Monday and Tuesday.. They both clearly know that I think this man is a piece of sh!t. But I tell my youngest, you don't have to worry about this stuff because its adult stuff.. One day when you're older, you will understand it and be able to completely relate.. But until then always understand I love you no matter what. Every Monday and Tuesday I speak with my son via a cell phone I had to buy because my Ex wife refused to have me speak with my son..

Now I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I think I am smart enough to learn from others mistakes.. 

Now I can tell you this.. 
There is nothing wrong with disliking someone, and there is nothing wrong with expressing it to your kids.. 

What is wrong is making you kids dislike this person because you don't and its wrong to have your kids make fun of or have some disdain for this person because this is what you're teaching them or telling them what to do..

I can tell you that you cannot control what your Ex wife or this other man tells your kids about you.. 

I have a friend with a 18 year old boy and 2 girls 12 and 10.. 
The wife has brainwashed these kids against him.. My friend thought that when his son was 18 and understood relationships, he would lay it out for him what exactly happen and he would understand.. Well the brainwash made sure none of it mattered.. 

Look here is the reality, there comes a point where this other man is at fault.. I don't know why you're looking to overlook it or rug sweep it.. This sh!t just didn't happen.. He fvcking knew when he was putting his d!ck in her that she was married.. He should have been a real fvcking man with some fvcking morals and let your wife end or fix this relationship without him being in the fvcking middle of it.. 

Did he break you apart ? No, your ex made the choice, but he surely didn't fvcking help it.. He fvcking made it real easy for her, holding her hand through it all.. 

I don't know about you.. But I will never, fvcking never give this man an ounce of respect because he deserves NONE.. There is not a single thing he or or my ex wife can teach my kids. Beyond teaching them how to lie, cheat and be a sneak and ultimately what NOT to do a relationship.. 

I think you're doing your kids a disservice by letting them think what she did and he did are OKAY.. That everyone can get along.. 

Its not true and you're lying to yourself and your kids.. So what do you do ? Put on this fake smile and sit down in their backyard for your kids birthday and pretend its all good ? 

FVCK THAT SH!T... 

I am not telling you to scream at your kids and tell them that this guy and their mom should die.. But suffice to say if the questions come up. Its a simple daddy doesn't like him for personal reasons, when you get older I will explain.. 

Honestly I almost find you weak for even considering being the better man.. You were the better man.. You didn't smash his fvcking face in.. He walked away with your family, isn't that fvcking enough ? Fvck him...

Mind you so you understand, I have custody of my boys and my ex wife pays me child support. I have the house, my pension and everything else.. She walked away with 55k.. Nothing more and I make 4x she does.. And no she is not crazy and I didn't do any scheming to get my kids... They decided to be here on their own.. 
As a matter of fact I begged and pleaded on my hands and knees for my wife not to leave me.. Not once, not twice, but countless times..

So I am not a bitter man living in a shoebox and broke because all my money goes to child support. I'm not bitter, but what is right is right.


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## left behind (Sep 24, 2012)

I'm in the same spot. X had affair, left to be with him and still is today two years later. I feel the same way as H2H (you expressed exactly how I feel) but often think is there a better place? A place where we do transcend the situation. Haven't found it yet if it exists. I won't be around him and hate knowing he is spending time with them when they are with her and he is sleeping over. I hate what they did and don't want people like in my life, still two years later. He is and always will be a piece of sh!t to me.

When the kids ask all I tell them is that they love mom and mom loves them and he is a part of her life and they can decide what part of their lives he will be in. So far they have not pushed the issue but we will have graduation stuff soon and other events where our paths will cross and I do not plan to be around them at this point. Hate to think what the impact could be on the kids so I may end up changing my mind on limited events for their sake. 

How will this work later on if the dislike and lack of joint participation continues? time demands as a result will be tough. I'm not condoning what they did but staying inflexible could end up being a tough thing for the kids.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I've posted about this before. I realize it can be challenging to cope with. 

There comes a point where it simply is no longer an affair. It's not new, covert, exciting, or steamy.

It becomes, just a relationship. 

And is subject to all of the benefits and pitfalls thereof.


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## left behind (Sep 24, 2012)

That's true Deejo, but that doesn't change the character of the people involved. I choose not have people that behave that way in my life. I choose not to associate with other men that would fvck another man's wife or girlfriend, always have. Speaks to their character and trustworthiness.

When I was younger I got stabbed in the leg. The wound became just another scar to me but I never associated with nor like the kid that did it. I wasn't mad about the scar any more but didn't forget what he was capable of doing when our paths crossed. Some men/women are capable of putting it behind them and I hope I can someday. Guess I'm just not there yet.

Sorry Eyes, not helping you much


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Kids pretty much always figure it out.
Even the brainwashing starts to wear off after they move out.

Give them time.


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