# Wife is emotionally blackmailing me to leave our house



## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

I have a thread running on my ongoing separation from my w. 
I am now in a difficult postion where she is wanting me to leave the house asap. It's been two months since she wanted a divorce and I am waiting for the pettion to arrive in the post. I have agreed to leave the home and give her space. I know we cannot work on anything whilst I am there and the atmosphere is very tense between us as she wants movement on the separation. I am not arguing or pursuing her and just play and look after the kids. I am waiting to get a start date for a new job so that I know where I will be financially. I have explained to her on numerous occasions that as soon as I have some certainty, I will look to move. She unfortunately, will not accept this and keeps texting me asking me to leave and that if I was her friend I wouldn't put her through all this. She has even threatened to leave the house with the kids because she knows that I want her to stay at home as they need continuity during this difficult time. I have agreed to pay the mortgage and give her and the kids support but she just will not accept I need a little more time and tries to make life difficult by blanking me and only speaking if it directly involves the kids or to ask when I am leaving.

It's exhausting and I do want to go but what can I do amongst this constant pressure? She has no right to force me out and I don't want to make things worst but she only has to wait for a week or two.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Andy, frankly between you and i i would give your wife the finger and tell her to F off....stand up to her and tell her you will leave under your terms and not one second before and if she is so upset tell her to leave. Do you honestly want to stay married to this woman...she is a piece of work? Man up damn it


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

She wants out so bad....show her the door. Don't let her bully you out.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tell her to go fvck herself. That house is as much yours as hers.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

She confronted me saying what difference does it make if I am waiting for a start date! I told her that it gave me a vision of the future and that it was important for me to know how I will start to move on. She just screamed at me saying we cannot be friends and to stay out of her face. We have two young kids so we would ideally have to work together. Another issue is I found out she is taking the kids away for all of Christmas this year! She didn't even consult me. What kind of friend is she??


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I couldn't wait to move out of our family home. Don't get me wrong, it was the hardest thing I have ever done, packing my bags and telling my 5 and 3 y/os that this was for the best. But not to be living under the same roof as my enemy has made me a much happier person. I did get lucky, my work let me move into a house they own rent free for a while, so it didn't impact me financially (yet). 

I didn't waste any time on dating, having no sex with your wife for over 4 years does that. I dated a woman within the first week and had some fun. Then found a keeper on week 3 and we can't get enough of each other. Wish you the best, life is too short to be miserable!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Christmas is 10 months away,why worry about that at this point? If you haven't gotten a lawyer yet...you better soon. Most smartphones have recording capability now, you start taping these verbal attacks.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SO,
Just ignore her, tape her craziness with a VAR, and go about your business. the way she is acting, I'm betting within 2 days there will be another man living in your house. You need a lawyer, and you need to accept the death of your marriage. There is no "working on things". It's OVER.
Good luck.....


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

first of all let the courts decide the holiday arrangements...andy something is up i smell a rat.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

this woman is not your friend! 

block her texts and calls or at least ignore them. Lawyer up. be the best dad you can be. if she screams and yells in your face tell her your recording everything said. If she hits you call the police and file abuse charges.

Don't sign anything without a lawyer see it first. take your sweet time moving out as a matter of fact don't move out until you absolutely have to.

start exercising ,eat well listen to some music. be a generally happy guy especially when she's around.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So what's the big deal.....what she fell in love with a homeless guy and he needs a place to stay?

I mean if she wants to be friens then she should go live with the homeless guy.

My point the both of you have a responsibility to raise these kids in a emotionally healthy home, so until you get squared away with work she is going to have to deal with.

Tell her to put her big girl pants on treat this as business deal and so far the way she is acting is just going to effect the kid cuz your hands are tied in the matter period.

I suggest every time she brings this crap up you say the same thing "we already discussed this and you know were I stand"

Just keep saying it over and over again.
You can't control her but you can stay calm and continue to make this statement over and over again.

I'm thinking if she had some were to go and have the kids she would have split by now...but I'm guessing her new homeless boyfriend doesn't have the room in his cardboard box to fit her and the kids.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Friends? No. She's your Soon To Be Ex.

Look... She wants you out so she can develop status quo and control your access to the children. DO NOT MOVE OUT UNTIL THE COURT ORDERS YOU TO. Get a digital recorder. Protect yourself from false charges of DV. Think smart. Use brain and put your heart in a box for now. Everything going forward is a business transaction with dire consequences. Unless you aren't concerned with your children and your access to them to have equal parenting time.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

We decided to build a friendship for the kids sake and see where it took us. I hoped we could be amicable but she is hell bent on divorcing me, getting me out of the house and 'moving on' what ever that means. 

I offered to pay half the mortgage to keep her and the kids at home. I only had their best interests at heart. BUT....that is why I need time to get the start date confirmed . I am happy to rent a room for a few months to keep costs down and be able to stay local to see the girls but she throws it all in my face saying we'll have to sell up if I don't go...I'm only asking for a week or two! 

She wants what she wants and acts as if the house is all hers! She had controlled the marriage and now wants to intimidate me into going asap. 

I threatened her with a court order to prevent her bullying me....she got a bit angry.

I have explained my position clearly and calmly but she thinks I'm making excuses. Believe me, apart from missing the kids, I need some relief from this hell. 

I am now sitting in my cell of a spare room as I am not welcome in the lounge. My eldest daughter won't speak to me as she has taken sides and my w just glares at me. 

Did I hurt my wife's feelings during our marriage..sure but do I deserve to be treated like a dog?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Andy101 said:


> We decided to build a friendship for the kids sake and see where it took us. I hoped we could be amicable but she is hell bent on divorcing me, getting me out of the house and 'moving on' what ever that means.


Amicable= you bend over and take it

Friendship=she gets whatever she wants, when she wants and how she wants.

Your getting divorced, quit believing in the amicable, friendship silliness


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would not hide in a room, I would be walking around like I own the place because you do until the courts say different.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

What you need to find is a backbone my friend.

Dictate your own life.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Do not threaten ANYTHING unless you intend to follow through 100%. You're on her sheet list enough already. If you don't follow through, she will.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Stop being so pathetic Andy. Really...

Your daughter is siding with your b1tch of a wife because she sees your pathetic weakness and is repulsed by it.

Any plans on manning up?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Time to tell them both to pound sand. I'd stay until ordered out. 

Please tell us that you're just kidding about the bullying thing....no wonder this woman wants you out. No wonder she wants you out. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

She approached me this morning to say that as usual I went to bed without talking things through with her. I said, sorry but you told me to get out of your face so I did. 

She continued by saying if I were a friend I would leave as I have to think about HER feelings and what SHE wants. She continued that if I did not have an answer from the job by Friday, she will move out. She knows I desperatly want her and the kids to stay. She said you better start looking for a place soon. 

It's always been about her and what she wants. I swear that part of her control over me is because I think she is so hot. Almost feel addicted to her. My ex thinks my w is a narcissist. If true, I have other issues than just to 'man up'

It's like she has got me where she wants me. Even when we separated before and she was dating other guys, I was her comforter which ultimately helped us reconcile. But only after another woman took an interest in me!

Are there ant good resources when dealing with this kind of controlling narcisstic behaviour? 

I need a plan where I can keep the status quo until the job comes through just to keep things calm.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

No you dont! If she is a narcissist manning up is the only thing that will save you. She has zero respect for you. Tell her you'll help her pack and hope like hell she's serious. Either man up and keep your dignity or keep chasing her like a ***** and keep getting **** on. It's your call. 

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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

What she is doing is unreasonable behaviour. In her mind, this is all about what she wants and if I am her friend, I will respect that and leave. Very little compromise and am not looking forward to sitting on the sofa with her tonight as she has only discusses one thing! I need the security of where I am going with life and also, the place I move to needs to be somewhere I am comfortable with not wherever or with whoever just to get me out. I never thought she would turn like this. I know she has filed for divorce but to her everything is so black and white and we must be apart. Not the behaviour of a friend me thinks.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Andy101 said:


> She approached me this morning to say that as usual I went to bed without talking things through with her. I said, sorry but you told me to get out of your face so I did.
> 
> She continued by saying if I were a friend I would leave as I have to think about HER feelings and what SHE wants. She continued that if I did not have an answer from the job by Friday, she will move out. She knows I desperatly want her and the kids to stay. She said you better start looking for a place soon.
> 
> ...


She can only control you if you allow it. When are you going to accept responsibility and acknowledge your own power? 

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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You keep plowing through the advice that you are receiving and keep going on about her. Do you want help or are you just venting? You better snap out of it soon or you will be living in a car and seeing your kids every other weekend.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

Well much of the advice here is about kicking her to the kirb. Not my intention at all. We have history and two children to consider. I actually want to save my marriage and the only way is to build a friendship from ground zero. I will give her space and move out. I did it before. I think her outbursts are out of frustration . 

Problem now is having a plan how to bulid this 'friendship' without going crazy in the process. I have to learn to detach but don't know how.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Andy101 said:


> Well much of the advice here is about kicking her to the kirb. Not my intention at all. We have history and two children to consider. I actually want to save my marriage and the only way is to build a friendship from ground zero. I will give her space and move out. I did it before. I think her outbursts are out of frustration .
> 
> Problem now is having a plan how to bulid this 'friendship' without going crazy in the process. I have to learn to detach but don't know how.


What the heck are you actually doing dude? In the same post, you were talking about rebuilding with friendship and detaching. You don't do both. You sound like you were regurgitating drivel that other people have told you, without any clear picture of what you actually intend to do.

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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Andy101 said:


> Well much of the advice here is about kicking her to the kirb. Not my intention at all. We have history and two children to consider. I actually want to save my marriage and the only way is to build a friendship from ground zero. I will give her space and move out. I did it before. I think her outbursts are out of frustration .
> 
> Problem now is having a plan how to bulid this 'friendship' without going crazy in the process. I have to learn to detach but don't know how.


Her intention is to be done with you, your intention always loses unfortunately in this day and age.

Friendships almost always start with some measure of respect. Your wife has none for you. All your doing is reinforcing her low view of you by being her "whipping boy" right now. How well has your plan worked so far? 

You start to detach by first getting yourself out of this denial you are in.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Relationship requires respect and trust. You seem to lack both. How can someone respect you if you do not respect yourself?

Are you in therapy and is that therapist helping you develop boundaries?

Btw, the way your wife treats you, your child will learn the same behavior and response since you two are the role models and heavily imprint what normal is to your child. You two make up a major part of her environment and affect how she develops mentally.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Andy101 said:


> What she is doing is unreasonable behaviour. In her mind, this is all about what she wants and if I am her friend, I will respect that and leave. Very little compromise and am not looking forward to sitting on the sofa with her tonight as she has only discusses one thing! I need the security of where I am going with life and also, the place I move to needs to be somewhere I am comfortable with not wherever or with whoever just to get me out. I never thought she would turn like this. I know she has filed for divorce but to her everything is so black and white and we must be apart. Not the behaviour of a friend me thinks.


She is no friend. 

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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Andy101 said:


> Well much of the advice here is about kicking her to the kirb. Not my intention at all. We have history and two children to consider. I actually want to save my marriage and the only way is to build a friendship from ground zero. I will give her space and move out. I did it before. I think her outbursts are out of frustration .
> 
> Problem now is having a plan how to bulid this 'friendship' without going crazy in the process. I have to learn to detach but don't know how.


You're wrong. The only way to save this marriage is to find your manhood, stand up for yourself and tell this crazy lady to go pound sand. 
If you continue doing what you're doing you will continue to get what you've always got. 
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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You have this idea that she has feelings for you. I think you are highly mistaken. She doesn't want to ever reconcile and likely has another man waiting. 

You have got to Move on in order to be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

I had to read this thread through twice, to believe what I was reading.

1)She is not your friend, and has no interest in ever being your friend.
2)You don't need to be her friend, she doesn't want you.
3)The house, I assume, belongs to you as much as to her, because you say you are paying at least half the mortgage. Act like it.
4)She is being a bully, and you are cowering down and allowing it. Why?
5)She isn't just frustrated, something else is going on. I agree that there is another man involved, and she is ready to move on.
6)Get an attorney and assert your rights. You aren't doing yourself or your kids any favors by allowing her behavior.
7)You don't need to talk anything through with her. Don't allow her to continue this.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Andy101 said:


> Well much of the advice here is about kicking her to the kirb. Not my intention at all. We have history and two children to consider. I actually want to save my marriage and the only way is to build a friendship from ground zero. I will give her space and move out. I did it before. I think her outbursts are out of frustration .
> 
> Problem now is having a plan how to bulid this 'friendship' without going crazy in the process. I have to learn to detach but don't know how.


Good luck dude.

See you in a while. You'll get it. Just not yet :smile2:


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

Well if there is someone waiting in tge shadows, how can I expose his existance? She never goes out or shows any interest. She doesn't dress or act differently. The only thing is her constant text messaging and guarding of her phone. That could just mean she doesn't want me to see conversations with her friends or family. 

I can't get close to her phone and she has the kids with her all the time when not at work. It could just be that there isn't anyone yet. Even when I leave, I cannot have the children to stay with me for months so no dating as such. She may just geniunly hate me and can't stand the sight of me. But last time we separated, she ticked every box. It was easy to catch her and a dude was going to the house late at night. None of that behaviour is present this time. 

The thing with my w, is that nothing is straight forward in her thinking. It's all difficult to detect without having her cell phone. Any ideas guys?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, Andy!

It matters not who she is screwing, or why.

What matters is that you cannot let go and it is going to crush you until you do.

Whether she is or she isn't seeing another dude, is totally unimportant. What is important is that she DOES NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED TO YOU. I know that hurts, but if you would just accept this and accept the fact that if you straighten out your life you can heal and be happier. 

She is GONE. Stop wondering, stop overthinking. She is GONE GONE GONE.

Now see a therapist if possible and tell yourself every time you think of her--- accept that she is gone. Pretend she is dead.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Andy Andy andy....

just take a hammer and smash yourself in the hand every 15 minutes...it will hurt less that this.

Stop putting yourself though this pain!!!

No one is worth it! NO ONE

Get your sanity back....you need it and your kids need it


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Andy101 said:


> Well if there is someone waiting in tge shadows, how can I expose his existance? She never goes out or shows any interest. She doesn't dress or act differently. The only thing is her constant text messaging and guarding of her phone. That could just mean she doesn't want me to see conversations with her friends or family.
> 
> I can't get close to her phone and she has the kids with her all the time when not at work. It could just be that there isn't anyone yet. Even when I leave, I cannot have the children to stay with me for months so no dating as such. She may just geniunly hate me and can't stand the sight of me. But last time we separated, she ticked every box. It was easy to catch her and a dude was going to the house late at night. None of that behaviour is present this time.
> 
> The thing with my w, is that nothing is straight forward in her thinking. It's all difficult to detect without having her cell phone. Any ideas guys?


Her thinking is straightforward, she wants you gone. 

You caught her once, you taught her to become more sneaky.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

My w went to her solicitor yesterday to get advice on our finances. We had agreed in principle how I would pay maintenance and half the mortgage. 

Now she wants half my pension, a larger share of the house. She even said that if I earn more money I should give her a slice of it as she is on part time hours! With her commission she earns more than me!

She even said that as the break down of our marriage was all my fault, I should really just walk away from the house and give it all to her!

I disagreed with this, now she will not speak to me about it anymore. I think mediation will be the next route. It's all hurting like crazy...it's hard to believe the woman I love and have two children with would resort to this. 

I know what you guys have been saying is painful to accept but I am so gobsmacked I don't know what to think or do. It really is finished. Now I need some advice on how to move forward. She is just acting like everything is a buisineas deal.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Get your wits about you before she takes you to the freaking cleaners.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Consult your solicitor.

And stop freaking talking to her. She knows how to press your buttons. All it takes is one threat and it sends you into a panic. 

Next time she threatens you, say this:

"I am sorry you feel that way."

If she continues:

"I am not okay with threats", then walk away.

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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

And for the umpteenth time......
What does YOUR solicitor say?!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Retread all your recent threads, you have already gotten the advice you need to follow, many, many times.


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