# What was the sex like in your marriage when you or your spouse cheated?



## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

I'm in a sexless marriage. I sometimes fantasise about sex with other men. My first post on this forum was actually regarding me thinking about straying but I received some good feedback and I'm trying to deal with it.

I have never cheated, nor have I been cheated on so I'm wondering those of you who have been cheated on or if you were the one to stray - were/are you in a sexless marriage, was the sex at the time dull and you wanted more, or what were the factors involved that pushed the marital boundary to cheat?

Sorry if it's inappropriate to post here, I'm just interested in how it comes about and to help me avoid it happening I guess.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

<sigh>
It is insulting to suggest cheaters are "pushed" to cheat.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Sorry, that wasn't my intention to imply that 

More along the lines of what was the situation when cheating occurred.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

We had a normal sex life. Throughout my wife's affair it continued; sometimes she wanted it more than others but it didn't really change.


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

I'm new here as well. I have a quote that I'd like to share and maybe this might help you. "Be the change you want to see in someone else". I think we all have an inner moral compass that knows what to do. I think it's great that you are here posting but I think it also shows how close you may be to going outside of your marriage. I think you will save so many people so much grief if you do things in the right order. The reality is very ugly. The fantasy is an illusion. It's not real. What is real is the destruction that going outside of the marriage and betraying yourself, your spouse, your vows will do to many people. It's not worth it. Do the right thing and don't compromise that. That's the safe place.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Anomnom said:


> I'm in a sexless marriage. I* sometimes fantasise about sex with other men.* My first post on this forum was actually regarding me thinking about straying but I received some good feedback and I'm trying to deal with it.
> 
> I have never cheated, nor have I been cheated on so I'm wondering those of you who have been cheated on or if you were the one to stray - were/are you in a sexless marriage, was the sex at the time dull and you wanted more, or what were the factors involved that pushed the marital boundary to cheat?
> 
> Sorry if it's inappropriate to post here, I'm just interested in how it comes about and to help me avoid it happening I guess.


Have you told your husband this? I'm sure any man who gets told by his wife that she's started fantasising about having an affair/sleeping with other men because he doesn't want to, will get his act together pronto?

Regarding your question, we sort of stopped. We didn't have a lot of time for each other though.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Have you told your husband this?


Thanks for responding, I know it's not a comfortable subject. And yes I have told my husband this, this is the sort of thing that comes out in fights. He changes behaviour for a few days then right back to his normal..which is more then content with nothing.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

The right thing is to end your marriage, not to start an affair.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex h is a serial cheater. As soon as I had my suspicions, it was nonexistent as I was protecting myself from possibly getting STD's. Then he used the nonexistence as an excuse to cheat. I never cheated and I didn't start dating until our divorce was final. To this day, he still cheats and is proud of it.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

I am the BS, 12 weeks past Dday#2. When my wife strayed we had had sex once in 10mo. We probably had sex 20-30 times in 5 years. We didn't know it at the time but I had low Testosterone. I was also severely depressed. I was shut down emotionally and physically, I had rejected my wife in every way possible. 

Now was that an excuse for her A, NO, it was still her choice to have an affair. So YOU have a choice to make here, and I can promise you an A is the wrong choice, It will open a can of worms far worse than what's open now.

Has your husband been tested for Low-T? (REALLY IMPORTANT)
Have you talked with your husband about this?
Have you told him you CANNOT live this way, really told him?
Have you got into IC and\or MC?
You must try to get through to your husband, even if it means throwing Divorce papers in front of him, moving out, separating, anything but having an affair.

She finally told me one day that she would have passion with or without me, that she would no longer live in a marriage without love, emotion, passion, and yes, sex. That should have woke me up, but when your suffering from low-T, depression you just don't hear it. Hopefully your husband will wake up.

Don't have an A, it will NOT fix your problem, it will only make things worse. Me and my wife are in R, we are recovering from the aftermath of her affair and my rejection. It's tough but we are doing it. I am on T-injections and medication for depression, I have now conquered both problems. Our marriage is on the road to a happy R.

What to do...Get motivated, work on yourself, get healthy, get into IC and try to get him into MC. Try to wake him up, get him to a doctor for low-t and depression. Tell him you cannot live like this anymore. 

Good luck, I am sorry you are dealing with this. It breaks my heart that I caused my wife so much pain and suffering pre-A.
She never really got the "I'm so Sorry" until now.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Um, read your other thread. Your husband threatened to kill you. How the hell is sex still a primary concern?


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## broken a (Aug 18, 2012)

My husband cheated. I don't really consider it an affair considering they really mainly talked and they kissed, but no sex involved. our sex life has always been great, but it was just like well lets have sex.. great job and it's over. Not really much emotion. We're both trying to put the effort back into our marriage. I think that if you put as much effort and you are thinking about an affair or putting into an affair then you're marriage would be great... if it's not worth it then get out!!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I was in a sexless marriage for about 5 years...maybe more. I was despondent over this. My husband just kept saying, we have to be better about it. I wondered how long I could live this way, and I wondered when I'd finally divorce over it.

But I NEVER, not even for one second, contemplated cheating or in any way breaking my marriage vows. 

It turned out my h was in an affair with a former co-worker. He wouldn't have sex with me out of loyalty to her.

Now we are rebuilding our sexual relationship. It isn't perfect, but it's getting better and better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Similar situation iheartlife.
However my stbxh blamed me, said it was my fault.
When I put on a few pounds after being very skinny he said 'I didn't buy into that' and that he was 'fed up looking at my fat arse'.
Should have left him back then, as in no way was I ever fat. I tried to kiss him when he was in the affair and he pushed me away saying 'we don't do that anymore', so probably like yours didn't want to cheat on her with me! After he left he continued to blame me, professed to being faithful (lies he wasn't on a number of occasions) and still justifies his actions. Ironically I'm back to being the size I was when we met 12 years ago through all the stress. I'm 5'6 and a size 4/6. I look great despite all the stress and his OW is really quite unattractive. I still wonder how he can turn to her in the morning and go 'what a beauty' she really isn't! However he has a personality disorder and she boosts his ego no end.
So to answer, very little intimacy but his pd caused him to punish me by withdrawing, and he was never that affectionate anyway. I also never once considered cheating either.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I cheated on my STBXW. At the time I cheated, our sex life had degraded to vanilla sex once a month to six weeks. My wife knew this was a problem, yet was taking passive steps to avoid intimacy, like staying up late till she knew I'd be asleep, making sure the kids were with us on all out of town trips, etc. it had been like that for years, although we used to be once a week.

Cheating won't fix the problems in your marriage in any way. If anything, it will emphasis the issues, and the gulf between you and your spouse will widen. You may be less b1tchy at him and distracted by your effort, but again, this is just a wedge being driven between you two. And even though the lack of sex is a joint issue, these new problems will all be caused by your decision to cheat.

At least, this is what happened in my case. In the end, I ended my marriage about 6 weeks after first cheating, so the end result was the same in any case. I was fortunate that she never found out, and since I didn't end it to be with an affair partner (my affair ended prior to that), she hasn't found out yet, although I'm sure she has her suspicions. In the meantime though, I've lost my integrity and ability to tell any future partners that I've been faithful in the past. 

As others have said... I'd highly recommend being up front with your husband about how bad things are. And if they don't become acceptable, just leave with your integrity intact. I sure wish I had.

C


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

It was non existent. If it did happen it was "hurry up I have clothes in the dryer".


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I was good, 3-4 times per week, it increased at the beginning of EA (I have a good timeline), then reduced t o the bare minimum (1 time/week), then 0 for 1mo after DDay. Once she started noticing I was "gone", she couln't have enough.


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## Lady Betrayed (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm the BS. Our sex life was incredibly active before and during the cheating (we even had sex the morning/day he posted another ad and got caught). It's not an indication of cheating, and a sexless marriage is NO EXCUSE to put your spouse through this indescribable pain. You need to communicate with your husband if you value him even a little.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> Has your husband been tested for Low-T? (REALLY IMPORTANT)
> Have you talked with your husband about this?
> Have you told him you CANNOT live this way, really told him?
> Have you got into IC and\or MC?
> You must try to get through to your husband, even if it means throwing Divorce papers in front of him, moving out, separating, anything but having an affair.


I have had him booked in to see a doctor twice this year and he has cancelled both times.

Have talked to him til I'm blue in the face and said countless times that I can't live like this. He changes for a few days after being more affectionate etc then right back to being the same.

I don't want to divorce so it is an empty threat..we have a baby who has a fantastic dad and I won't destroy that.

I have been to IC a few times but he refuses to go to MC because he said we don't have any problems..and this is my biggest problem.. I can't fix this on my own when he can't even acknowledge that we have issues 


I would never blame my husband 'if' I cheated so to speak. I know 100% that it would be my decision and lack of sex is never an excuse. I guess it's a reason, but definitely not an excuse but I know from being on here the ramifications of what cheating does. I will continue to go to IC.


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

Anomnom said:


> I have had him booked in to see a doctor twice this year and he has cancelled both times.
> 
> Have talked to him til I'm blue in the face and said countless times that I can't live like this. He changes for a few days after being more affectionate etc then right back to being the same.
> 
> ...


 Also, there is the other guy. Don't use him. Its not fair to him. Even if he is game you won't be fulfilled in the long run. It will chip away at you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Beginning of the A, sex was still the same as before. Towards the middle and end of the affair didn't have that much at all because it felt like I was cheating on the OW. Cheating on the OW with my wife, pretty sick isn't it.


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## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

broken a said:


> My husband cheated. I don't really consider it an affair considering they really mainly talked and they kissed, but no sex involved. our sex life has always been great, but it was just like well lets have sex.. great job and it's over. Not really much emotion. We're both trying to put the effort back into our marriage. I think that if you put as much effort and you are thinking about an affair or putting into an affair then you're marriage would be great... if it's not worth it then get out!!


Not to rub salt in your wound or divert attention from the original post, but you said that you DO NOT consider your husband's actions an affair? It most certainly was, especially on an emotional level. I would rather my husband hire a hooker and have meaningless sex with her, than have quickie sex with me and share his feelings, time, emotions, hugs and kisses, and holding hands with another woman. That sounds so much worse and way more intense.
:scratchhead:


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Have you told your husband this?* I'm sure any man who gets told by his wife that she's started fantasising about having an affair/sleeping with other men because he doesn't want to, will get his act together pronto?*


Complexity, as you know, it didn't exactly work out that way for me. Betrayed1 (B1) and I took the long way home..... but we are finally on our way! 

To the OP, I can certainly feel your pain. I was in a sexless marriage for a very long time and not by choice. I went to great lengths to communicate my needs to my spouse and did a great deal of "work" on my end to be the kind of wife, mentally and physically, that I thought my husband wanted and needed me to be. It took a long time to realize that there was a lot more than just physical intimacy missing from our marriage. Actually, the entire marriage was missing. I had an affair that lasted 15 months that ended on May 27th when my husband confronted me. 

My husband and I both have threads here on TAM, but they are quite lengthy. At this point we are working very hard on reconciling. If reconciling were only as difficult as I thought having an empty marriage was this would be a piece of cake. I'm not saying that having a shell of a marriage is the way to live. For me that was no longer an option.... not for even one more day. What I am saying is that you either do everything you can possibly do to repair the marriage, and I know that you can't repair it alone, or you tell your husband that you are ending the marriage.

The biggest accomplishment of my affair was hurting my husband, our children, my former affair partner and myself.

Please encourage your husband to see an endocrinologist to have his Testosterone levels checked. Then, set up some individual counseling sessions for both of you and then some marriage counseling sessions together. 

From reading your initial posts, I think I understand just how close to the edge you are, if you haven't fallen off already. Once I, literally, "made the decision" to have an affair to ease my loneliness and heartache, it took me less than 3 weeks to "select" my target and start a full blown physical affair (PA.) I am not saying that because I am proud of it. I am saying it because it is that easy to make a choice/mistake that can quickly and irrevocably alter the course of your life. Please use extreme caution. Once it is done it can never be undone. I thought my husband didn't desire me. I was sure he didn't love me. I even convinced myself that I no longer loved him. Looking back to just a few months ago, I can't believe the distorted truths that my affair fog (dopamine/endorphins/hormones) allowed me to truly believe.

Again, I am not suggesting that you live in a miserable marriage. I know that I could never go back to the way things were. I can't and my husband knows that. I, also, know that he is just barely hanging on to his sanity right now trying to deal with the painful truth that his wife was emotionally and physically unfaithful and lied to and deceived him for over a year. Why does he do this? Because, lo and behold, he did love me.... very, very much. He had a medical condition.... low Testosterone. Because neither he or I knew or understood that for several years, it resulted in a complete breakdown in our marriage. He didn't know why he lacked desire, motivation, drive, etc.... He just knew that he felt broken and defeated. The more I pressured him to be present in the marriage and in the relationship, the more distance he felt forced to put between us. It was................. hard to find the words to describe the Hell that our marriage had descended into.

Keep posting. You will get some good advice and you will get some.... other stuff () but it will keep you grounded and give you support as you try to navigate your way through this.

Take care.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It was good. Afterwards, not so good. Oh! I just realised. I think I was wondering if my wife was comparing me to her lover's sexual performance. Which hampered me.

I suddenly feel sick.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

My W didn't have a sexual affair, but fell hard for her AP nonetheless. I didn't really notice a difference in our frequency during the time leading up to her EA. The EA was fairly brief, but very strong, maybe 4-6 weeks. I do know that once everything was out in the open and we decided to give our marriage a shot, we had the "hysterical bonding" people here sometimes talk about. 

During that time (starting maybe 2 weeks after DDay and lasting 2-3 weeks), we had sex just about every night. I once counted 9 nights in a row. This was unprecented in our marriage - we are more like 1-2x/week people. It then settled back down.

The hysterical bonding comes when a couple is plummeting to their doom. They are holding onto each other as tightly as possible, not knowing if the plane will crash or ultimately right its course. It's a scary time where sex makes you feel like things might be okay. For both parties.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sex was good for me, not so good for her. My wife cheated and my head was in the sand, when she went out for the "GNO" I made sure I had "mine" 1st. Even when she would come home late at night I'd still take her, but it wasn't nearly as nice.

The sex before she left for the night, was more softer and lets say sharing then the "coming home" sex. I guess in my mind if any guy wanted her they would have to go thru "me" 1st. When she got home, sex was rougher and alot more vocal....alot of name calling, humilation, and spanking. IDK maybe it was her quilt that let me get away with that kind of thing. In hind site it was just her crappy self esteem that both me and the OM's seem to tear down.

Those were some really unhealthy behaviors, back in those days. Not alot of kissing, hell never kissed, back in those days I figured my fWW could get her boytoys to do all the kissing and the forplay, I basicly got mine and thats all that mattered.

Now that I think back her only complaint was the lack of kissing, since sex was happening 3-4 times aweek.

I do regress, when she 1st started (her 1st affair) enough resentment was built up that sex had stopped for some time. I didn't start acting out this sexual abuse until half way thru her 13 year long life style with 20 OM's.

Anyway thats was 2-1/2 years ago, and since then, the both us are way better off with IC, MC, and AM. We both have learned the tools to have a healtier happier lifes....with each other btw.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I noticed a very gradual drop in frequency and Intimacy during the 1 1/2 years of her affair. I actually started calender to track our sex and her going out. Our sex life dropped from about 3 times a week to less then once a week...average. 

The intimacy with her also changed. There was much less kissing and towards the end...to virtually none. The effort she put into sex dropped remarkably as well to a point where I was doing all the work, she returned no favors...basically just laid there. She made it obvious that it was a chore that she would rather avoid. 

She put more effort avoiding sex then actually doing it. She started staying up later then me, complained of headaches, female problems, too tired, stomach aches...etc right before bed. Sometimes she wouldn't bath for days until just before she was planning to see him. I think her reasoning may have been if she was not fresh I wouldn't be interested. I think she just didn't care about me so she made no effort. She convinced me, at one point, that she had a UTI...that lasted for over a month...but never went to the doctor...really?

Her choice of sex positions changed as well. They became the less intimate positions like doggy style and she would try to get me off as soon as possible. She also stopped initiating sex with me altogether even on my birthdays, holidays and special occasions. 

She stopped dressing in sexy underwear around me. In fact, she would wear her "Granny panties" at home instead of the thongs and booty shorts. 

After the "D" day (#3) where I found out about the continued EA, or so I thought (actually was a PA the whole time), all sex stopped. She suddenly had no interest in pretending anymore.

We had no real "Hysterical Bonding" at all. We did have sex about 10 times in the following year but finally I filed for divorce do to her lack of honesty, commitment, remorse, effort...you name it, she didn't do it.


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