# First Timer Here...



## SadInWV (Jun 20, 2012)

This is huge for me. I never thought I would actually post in a forum for help about this but I don't know what else to do. I'm very sad and hurt and I feel completely lonely in my marriage. Here's some background... Married 12 years as of this past May. 3 children who I dearly love, great life if you look from the outside. Like people would absolutely die if they knew how I felt.  
The hubs is a wonderful father, loves his kids... a great provider, makes a wonderful living for us, but when it comes to being a husband. ? I'm completely lonely!! Its been this way for YEARS... and I'm finally at a point where I feel like it comes down to be financially secure but be lonely all the time, or get a divorce and try to make it on my own. I'm scared to death! I don't know what to do.  I just know I can't stay married and feel like this. 
I need him to be affectionate to me, not walk through the kitchen and smack my butt and say Thanks for dinner Mommy. ?? That doesn't cut it. When I tell him this, he's like I don't know what else you want from me. ? And then we end up in an argument and I end up feeling like its all me. I would love to hear from people who are in or maybe have been in this same situation... because I feel incredibly guilty for THINKING about leaving. I don't want to hurt my kids. Ugh... some insight would help. Thanks...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, it sounds like a very good case for Marriage Counseling -- you guys need a neutral party to mediate some of these differing expectations.

But just as an aside? Money's just money. Yes, it's important, but your self-esteem is important too.


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## SadInWV (Jun 20, 2012)

I have a counselors number... I just haven't gone yet. Thought I would get some thoughts here first. I think he will go with me for sure, I just don't know how much it will help. I've asked him for years to be affectionate, its like it doesn't matter to him. Or he says I live in a fairy tale... maybe he's right. ? Maybe I do expect to much from him. :-/ I do think you're right though. I need to keep my self esteem in mind. Being a Mom, we tend to put ourselves last always.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Um what is it EXACTLY thats bothering you?Im not saying that in a mean way I just dont want to read into things..Do you feel "womaniized" with the slap on the butt?(I did but thats not the point)..what is it that you want?So you can tell him..Hes probably "dumb" and has no idea..he sounds like a great guy just clueless..what do you want?

Dallas


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

SadInWV said:


> I have a counselors number... I just haven't gone yet. Thought I would get some thoughts here first. I think he will go with me for sure, I just don't know how much it will help. I've asked him for years to be affectionate, its like it doesn't matter to him. Or he says I live in a fairy tale... maybe he's right. ? Maybe I do expect to much from him. :-/ I do think you're right though. I need to keep my self esteem in mind. Being a Mom, we tend to put ourselves last always.


(((HUGS)))))

Dallas


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## SadInWV (Jun 20, 2012)

I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I'm his everything. ? Maybe it is because we've been married for so long. :-/ Im not naive enough to think that its going to be all rainbows and roses all the time, but I mean what should a normal marriage be like at the 12 year mark. ? How often should we have sex? Do you still sit on the couch together and watch tv? Snuggle? Allll that is practically non existent. I've honestly stopped trying I think. I used to be a very loving and sexual person, but after hearing I'm not in the mood so many times you kinda just leave it alone. I mean isn't that what the wife usually says? lol I just don't get it. I don't understand him.  
I've never really felt womanized... I'm used to how he is when it comes to that stuff. That's his "way" of being affectionate. He's always been sort of a chauvinist. lol He's very old fashioned, and thats his view. A woman's place is in the kitchen kinda thing. Which he knows drives me nuts. I would LOVE it if he would cook with me! I guess I just feel like emotionally and physically we've run out of steam. :-/


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

You know he is just completely confused by all this when you tell him and has not idea what he's doing wrong. He probably loves you just as much as you love him. Men and women just need different things from each other. By just being there, you make everything he does as far as providing for his family worthwhile. To him that would be meaningless if you weren't there. By just being in the house, you are providing him with comfort and stability he needs so feel loved. He doesn't understand that you need something different from him. 

When you tell him he's not giving you what you need, what he feels is shame. It makes him feel like a failure. Frame it in a way that makes him feel more manly instead of like a failure. Don't tell him how it makes you feel when he DOESN'T do it. Tell him how it feels when he DOES. Then he'll want to do it.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

have you sat down and had a heart to heart with him in specificity. Not fussing at him about not doing it but saying look I need xyz. Its important to me and I feel lonely. I can't continue to live like this.

I don't mean to seem as if you aren't doing that. Just trying to wrap my head around the entirety of the problem. I know if my wife did that to me I would move heaven and earth to please her. Again I don't mean to imply anything here but if she *****ed at me about it, that would not work but if she just said this is what I need from you then she would absolutely get it post haste!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It sounds like you have lost the "*emotional connection" *a long time ago...you was busy with kids, he started doing his own thing... it has become a habit, he feels he is being the faithful provider, taking care of his family, good dad... that is all a woman needs. WRONG! 

I get where you are coming from, haven't lived it personally though. 

Your top "Love language" is likely "*TIME*" ...... if you crave his touching... affection.."*Physical Touch*" is following right behind. We all want to feel like we are the Cat's meow to our spouse....if you want to hear that in words, this is "*Words of Affirmation*". 

I agree with Stonewall, don't sugar coat it, sit him down and really tell him how you are feeling...deeply feeling, like you are drowning and you CAN'T keep living like this... too many don't say a word...but stuff and allow Resentment to slowly build over a long period of time, communication becomes a wall.... 

Then in the desperation, if they meet another who gives them a little attention they are thirsting in the desert for.... they become weak to & before you know it - can fall into something that could take your heart by storm. 

This is not the answer...

Alerting him & getting into Marital Counseling to save & recapture what was "once upon a time" ...and for the futures of your 3 children. This IS your answer. 

Could also take a few days, condense a heartfelt letter , just writing out how you are feeling gives you more understanding of where you are... and where you NEED to go....and with him....then you can read this to him face to face - when the timing is right. 



The Five Love Languages: Knowing a Person's Love Language is Vital to Healthy Communication | Suite101.com

Test online to find out what you are -maybe he could take it also. The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages® 

 The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts : Gary Chapman: Books


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## SadInWV (Jun 20, 2012)

Thank you SimplyAmorous... you seem to actually understand how I am feeling. We have had some major talks, and I have actually used the words I feel like a withered plant. As silly as that sounds, I need to be watered! I've told him this. For years I've told him this... It almost feels like a viscious cycle to me. We'll have a fight, then blow up and talk, and then we both try really hard for a while... then bam. Its like nothing ever changes. We end up right back where we were.
I see that he thinks he provides well for us, he's here for the kids, and he says to me I let you do whatever you want. ?? I've told him you can buy me everything in the world, thats all fine and good but if theres nothing between you and me then what? He takes it as I'm ungrateful and unappreciative.  I just don't think thats right. I don't mean it that way at all. But I can't help how I feel. ? There have been some underlying issues here... the lack of sex and affection is what bothers me most I think. When it really came to a head was about 2 years ago... Im just going to put it all out there for you guys. Even tho this isn't like me... 
We had our son in Aug., and like most couples especially 3rd time around we didn't have sex for a while. BUT prior to this probably like 4 years into our marriage his sex drive really dropped off. And back then I didn't know what to think... he would say he wasn't in the mood a lot. This really hurt my feelings... in my mid 20s with 2 children but still good lookin in my opinion. Just the rejection over the years has gotten to me. 
I got to where I didn't even try to initiate anything sexual. When we did have sex, he would always initiate. 
So jump to almost 2 years ago... had our baby boy in Aug. December came and right after Christmas I thought I would buy some nice lingerie and surprise him. I put it on, and it was like he didn't even notice. He could care less. He tells me the whole its not you its me song and dance. But still... to someone who has just had a child, not so good for the self esteem. 
He was completely embarassed and doesn't like to discuss anything about it, but he tells me he's having "issues" with his erection because of the medicine he takes. (which is a whole other issue in itself... Oxycontin, for chronic headaches) I can honestly say I've never noticed any erectile problem tho. When we do have sex, even though its not very often, its usually good sex. So since that rejection after Christmas of 2010... I just really felt like something was broken. ? I would tell him this and he would say everything is fine, I just don't like to talk about it. So last fall, I come across a bill for a go phone. And when I confront him he says he doesn't have it any more, but he finally admitted to using it to call 900 #'s and having phone sex, because he didn't want to be a disappointment to me. But they started texting that phone so he through it away, he felt incredibly guilty about it. Since last fall I've really had a hard time getting past it. I put on a brave face, but as time goes on I really find myself getting bitter towards him. He on the other hand thinks everything is just fine... I feel like its a stick your head in the sand thing. I don't really know what to do, but I know that something has to change.  

I know thats a lot that I just divulged... but I'd like to see what people looking in would say. This isn't an easy thing, but I'm fairly young and I don't want to live all my life like this. Thanks in advance...


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

I went through a life like that for over 21 years. I finally left. I needed to be *important* to someone...ME, as a person, not as role (wife). My (ex)husband was faithful, hard working, a good father and dedicated family man, good provider, and at one time we had good sex (that diminished; his sex drive was always lower than mine. Plus he wanted more of a 'zaftig'....or chubby...woman and I am slender; he,too,got more pleasure from viewing women online than with me). I didn't particularly MATTER to him. But he was (and still is!) a good man. After the children graduated high school, I left. Many many times I think I should have left sooner. 

I am now married to a man who cherishes me. It makes all the difference in the world.


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