# parental separation...h insists it is NOT affecting children...



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

I have been posting in other topic areas. mainly saparation.
long story short...my h is dx as being depleted testosterone, depression and also in the midst of a mlc.it has been 3 months. we continue to do the norm...he just doesnt always sleep here. he goes to his parents.
i am doing all the right things. councelling and our pastor have been guiding me. my h is in complete denial and blames me and our marriage. he sees nothing wrong with what he is doing.
our girls are becoming resentful that he is "working so much"... he has worked nights b4 so this isnt a strange thing for them.
the issue i am having is it seems they are b coming a bit resentful. they dont want to talk to him on the phone...they want him here with them. they are young...8 and 5 so it is very hard on me...
what can i do to make him see the destruction or to help them


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

lost1234 said:


> I have been posting in other topic areas. mainly saparation.
> long story short...my h is dx as being depleted testosterone, depression and also in the midst of a mlc.it has been 3 months. we continue to do the norm...he just doesnt always sleep here. he goes to his parents.
> i am doing all the right things. councelling and our pastor have been guiding me. my h is in complete denial and blames me and our marriage. he sees nothing wrong with what he is doing.
> our girls are becoming resentful that he is "working so much"... he has worked nights b4 so this isnt a strange thing for them.
> ...


If he has all these physical and emotional issues as well as having to live with his parents, do you really want your kids around him right now?
As far as your kids becomeing resentful, you can play a large role in helping them adjust by telling them their dad is ill right now and can't, helping them to accept the situation rather than become resentful. You should help them by helping them accept what he can do, and if talking on the phone is what he can do right now, you should help them accept it to not give them emotional problems like anger.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

that is exactly what I am trying to do...we want to avoid the daddy is sick scenario as that would only confuse them more.
the working is the best for the situation, as they are accustomed that.
at times when he isnt here, all they want to do is call him. its just heartbreaking to me at times when he does call and they dont want to come to the phone. the last thing we want is for them to be angry or resentful...just unsure of how to accomplish that.
I have given up my career in our time of need and taken the road to solely make sure that when he cant be here i am...just looking for some more insight! thanks!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Personally I'm all for honesty with your kids - the more you 'make' up the story the more you have to keep straight. I think they would understand 'daddy is sick' and be more understanding of that than 'daddy has to work all the time'. Kids understand sick - they don't understand work. At that age I think they see work as a choice for adults, they don't get the reasons why we have to do it. Then it becomes a choice - daddy doesn't want to see us because he'd rather be working. Daddy isn't available to talk when I want to so I'm not going to talk when he wants to. Children are innocently selfish, and I'm not sure how to get around that.

I would say open up and explain it to them in simple terms - they are younger so they don't need details and make sure you repeat 'this isn't your fault' just like when discussing divorce with a child. If necessary get them a counselor to discuss their feelings about their dad and maybe the counselor will be able to explain things in ways they can understand.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

we have been seeing a counselor. she is the one that suggested keeping things as close to what they are used to...hence work. I get what you are saying and at our next session I am going to bring this up again! thanks!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I agree about discussing it with her again - because obviously that advice isn't working so well in this situation. Good luck - I hope things improve soon.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

lost1234 said:


> ...we want to avoid the daddy is sick scenario as that would only confuse them more.


Who is "we"... you mean you and its only your opinion it would confuse them more. More than what? not having any explaination as to his odd behavior?

I have the feeling your trying to justify your own anger and desires rather than deal with the situation.
It could very well be the BEST thing to be honest and tell the kids he is sick. It will help them build compassion and patience rather than try to stick your own anger and desires, assumptions into the mix by no9t being truthful and confusing them.



lost1234 said:


> I have given up my career in our time of need


and why you may be bitter.
I feel you need to deal with your own feelings to avoid rubbing the resentment you have off on your kids.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

Presno,

I am not bitter at all! I am in a sorts angry at the fact that there is nothing I can do to help my husband.That has nothing to do with my girls...only me.

My feelings have and are still being dealt with...I love ALL of my family members unconditionally, including my husband.that is what is rubbing off on my children.

all i was trying to get some help with is trying to decide if we need to change how we are presenting it to them...they are young, they dont want to talk on the phone...regardless of who it is.This hurts my h and me because he is doing as much as he can.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

lost1234 said:


> Presno,
> 
> I am not bitter at all! I am in a sorts angry at the fact that there is nothing I can do to help my husband.That has nothing to do with my girls...only me.
> 
> ...


With all due respect, sounds to me like your trying to lay a guilt trip on him, using the kids to do so.
Just something to think about.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

preso,
ty and i will think about what you have said...that is NOT my intention at all...
i am trying to make this as easy as i can on everyone. i went back and read my original post...maybe my wanting him to see the destruction led you to think that way...
this is an awful time for all of us who are involved! what kills me is that i want to be able to help, and i cant.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

But you can help. How you can help is to make sure the kids are told the truth and can accept things as they are without causing permenant damage... to be patient if you want to remain married. There are all kinds of things you can do, but they may not be things you want to do.
Mostly, what you can do is to keep the kids informed its not personal against them their father is not always available and encourage them to talk to him when he can talk to them.
You can help by keeping it together and keeping the kids together.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

our children are too young to be told any form of the truth here, if we tell them daddy is staying at grandmas to help himself, or because he is sick, or having hormonal issues they wouldnt understand =(
children are literal. all they are going to see is that daddy is staying at grandmas and not with us...

i have thought about what you have said all day.im sorry that you disagree, it makes more logical sense and would seem to cause no permanent damage if they think he is at work. no, they dont understand the whole concept of work but they do know that all the grown ups they know have to go there. 
I do want to remain married and I am seeing and helping my husband through this by caring for our children and myself.
they see him most days after school and he is here for dinner and homework... most weekends,that is giving them the stability and security they deserve.
it saddens me when they dont want to talk on the phone if my h is having a bad day( with the physical issues), as he doesnt want them to see him like that.
I have good and bad days as this is a lot for any family to endure. let alone make perfect sense of. yes, i get angry sometimes when my husband doesnt understand that our girls want him home more, and that is does have an effect on the no matter what the reason.
i guess that is why i come here to talk, vent and get advice. not to complain, i am only human too and i take it day by day...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

lost1234 said:


> our children are too young to be told any form of the truth ..


I disagree.
You can simplify the truth for them and tell it to them in a way
that deflects the potential for any issues that will effect them negatively.

"Daddy can't be here, but he loves you very much"
"Daddy has been sick and will be home as soon as he can"

You can argue with the facts all you want... it's you who has the problem, not your kids, hopefully you won't make your issues theirs.

As the childrens mother, you can make them accept their fathers phone calls, if even for 30 seconds to let him say hello and that he loves them.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

well i wall agree to disagree then,i am not here to debate with anyone. like i said i was looking for suggestions, I am not arguing the facts, i am siply stating them as they are.

we, my husband, myself and a psychiatrist seem to be on the same page, it is youself who is not looking at our whole situation, there are MANY things going on here. I am sorry to sound rude.

it was not myself that had a problem...it is my husband which in turn is making it a problem for myself and my children. right now he has no control over it so i am doing what i need to do to keep things as normal for our daughters as i can. which does not include telling them daddy is sick, and cant be here right now...like i said he is here for for the most part on a daily basis, sometimes days at a time, that is what they are used to and we do this to not disrupt their security and stability.
I do make them accept phone calls , as i said it is breaking my heart not theirs...most days they call him too, this is also what they know to be normal...

what I cant and wont do is argue my situation with you...my husband is ill and taking the necessary steps to get better...i am supporting him. i listen and support, thats all i can do for him.

it seems that you are attacking me...I didnt ask for this i am only trying to get through it...


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