# Porn vs. EA



## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

This thread came to mind because of the comment below that I read in another thread. It's topic was totally unrelated to this one so I'm leaving the OP anonymous:

"For example, I noticed in hindsight that our sex life improved during her EA for obvious reasons. ... Sometimes I am bothered by the thought that she is thinking about the OM (or turned on by conversations they've had) and the thoughts can be difficult to shake."

This is the closest thing I've ever read (stated by a man) that resembles what I see as being some people's (usually women's) issue with porn.

I'm going to state this very generally (aka. stereotypically) so it's not necessary for anyone to throw in that they don't match the gender roles, it's assumed there are some exceptions.

Men - more stimulated sexually by visual cues and are the primary users of porn.
Women - more stimulated sexually by emotional feeds and are the primary readers of romance novels.

*So if you're a man that believes a little porn enhances your sex life with your wife, would you be up for your W having a little EA/romance-novel-reading if it accomplished the same thing? Or vice versa?*


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

DaytoDay said:


> *So if you're a man that believes a little porn enhances your sex life with your wife, would you be up for your W having a little EA/romance-novel-reading if it accomplished the same thing?*


For sure

I don't know about what you said about women and porn. Recently my wife started embracing porn and we have been watching together.

She seems to enjoy it MORE than I do.....


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

DaytoDay said:


> *So if you're a man that believes a little porn enhances your sex life with your wife, would you be up for your W having a little EA/romance-novel-reading if it accomplished the same thing? Or vice versa?*


Reading novels and a little EA are totally different things! 

I really do not think that any man on here or in the world would have any issues with his wife reading novels. Any novels and for any reason...


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

DaytoDay said:


> Women - more stimulated sexually by emotional feeds and are the primary readers of romance novels.


Actually... all women I know who have HD do not read that type of litreture. If a woman views sex as an emotional act only (no basic instinct, no passion to just get it, no fantasies of purely sexual and no emotional nature), then here is you future-no-desire-wife-to-be. First she values sex as a proof of his love and devotion, and then it becomes obsolete once he puts a dimond ring on her finger.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

rubymoon said:


> Reading novels and a little EA are totally different things!
> 
> I really do not think that any man on here or in the world would have any issues with his wife reading novels. Any novels and for any reason...


I won't speak for the men, that's why I asked. An EA and a romance novel are the same in that they both present a fantasy image, which could be used as a mental image for sexual stimulation with an otherwise dull and uninspiring partner. Just like porn.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

rubymoon said:


> Reading novels and a little EA are totally different things! .


:iagree:

Masturbation or aiding sexual interest from a book or porn is completely different from an emotional bond with another person. My wife had a serious EA several years ago and I am sure that fantasies were present when I was with her prior to D-Day. Porn is not an emotional attraction. It can certainly cause a lot of issues in a marriage but not in the same manner as an emotional bond. No, using an emotional affair with some one else is not OK as a sex aid. Any man who has operated in a marriage as a dildo with some one else's face attached to it will understand.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

rubymoon said:


> Actually... all women I know who have HD do not read that type of litreture. If a woman views sex as an emotional act only (no basic instinct, no passion to just get it, no fantasies of purely sexual and no emotional nature), then here is you future-no-desire-wife-to-be. First she values sex as a proof of his love and devotion, and then it becomes obsolete once he puts a dimond ring on her finger.


No one said a woman views sex as an emotional act only, anymore than a man views sex as a physical act only. I'm talking about the images that play through your head during the act.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

Amplexor said:


> Any man who has operated in a marriage as a dildo with some one else's face attached to it will understand.


Versus a woman that performs that role via porn? You really just confirmed my point with your statement.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

EA is definitely different than porn or a romance novel. Although they may all accomplish the same thing as far as sparking the libido an EA involves a real life individual and attachment to that individual. Porn and romance novels is effectively fantasy brought to you by a filmaker or author. 

I have no problem with my partner using porn or romance novels, in fact I would find it titillating to find out she did. An EA would most likely bring about an end to the relationship.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

DaytoDay said:


> they both present a fantasy image, which could be used as a mental image for sexual stimulation with an otherwise dull and uninspiring partner


How can another man be a sexual stimulation for having sex with a dull and uninspiring partner, if women's sexual desire is based on emotions?????? :scratchhead:

If your sex drive is tied to emotions, then it's tied to the man you have those emotions for. So, you are having emotional attachment for an EA-man, and therefore your sexual desire belongs to him as well. How can it be stimulating in sex with a dull husband???


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

Amplexor said:


> You've missed the point completely.


So try me again. I thought I read it very clearly. And it sounds exactly like the sort of words I would use to describe my problem with my H's porn use.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Seems like an EA builds a relationship that remains alive even after the computer shuts down.

a person's relationship with a porn video or romance book ends once either is put down. Hence it is fantasy. An EA is developed because it is a real person (either for excitement or to fill a void etc..). It is reality. It is developing a sexual relationship (give and take, not just video watching) with someone other than your spouse in real life. Unless you have an open marriage, this is generally considered cheating. 

I also think there is something around an EA being like the gateway drug. Smoking pot (flirting) is harmless in itself. But some believe that smokin pot (flirting) could lead to more seriously impactful drugs like cocaine (physical affair). I realize this is like punishing the weed smoker for his or her potential use of cocaine, but you get my drift.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

DaytoDay said:


> So try me again. I thought I read it very clearly. And it sounds exactly like the sort of words I would use to describe my problem with my H's porn use.


Try watching it together. You will see it's not what you think it is. Really.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Day2Day I don't know how an EA can be help any thing in a marriage. Its cheating pure and simple (although I do not view it as bad as a PA, though some people think its worse). I think porn is awful too. 

When I am having sex with my H the only thing that is going through my mind is how good it is feeling to be having sex with HIM. There is no other mind movie or fantasy that i am having. Now going through the day I will fantasize about a sex session we had or might have in the future. All of my fantasizing and stimulation has his body and face attached to it. Period.

Is this odd? Or maybe its because he is the only man I have ever been with ... IDK


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

DaytoDay said:


> I won't speak for the men, that's why I asked. An EA and a romance novel are the same in that they both present a fantasy image, which could be used as a mental image for sexual stimulation with an otherwise dull and uninspiring partner. Just like porn.


I read that some women fantasize about someone else while having sex.

As a guy, I can't get my head around that. I enjoy porn, sure, but when I am having sex I am thinking about the woman I'm having sex with!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I have to agree that porn / erotica are completely different from an emotional affair. If anything they are the complete opposite - Porn / erotica directly stimulate sexual interest, an emotional affair is providing the emotional support that someone feels they want / need.

I have no problems with porn or erotica provided that the viewer / reader doesn't use them and masturbate instead of having sex with their partner, and provided that they realize that these are fantasies and should not be compared to real life.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

DaytoDay said:


> This thread came to mind because of the comment below that I read in another thread. It's topic was totally unrelated to this one so I'm leaving the OP anonymous:
> 
> "For example, I noticed in hindsight that our sex life improved during her EA for obvious reasons. ... Sometimes I am bothered by the thought that she is thinking about the OM (or turned on by conversations they've had) and the thoughts can be difficult to shake."
> 
> ...


I'm going to say I would be "okay" with it, provided it's not used as a visual aid during sex with your partner (if that makes sense).

I see nothing wrong with watching porn, provided the person is not picturing the movie in their heads while having sex with their spouse.

In the same vein, I see nothing wrong with (and let me tread carefully here) innocent or light flirtation between you and another party being used as a confidence boost, which can result in better sex/higher drive, etc.

But there is a fine line between two people, say co-workers, who have a spark or an attraction, and them having an EA (or worse). If you're picturing another person while doing the deed, that's not a good thing... If you're able to take external stimulus and use it WITH your partner, then why not.

If you're using either or to build confidence/drive etc. I see no problem with it. But again, super fine line in both cases.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

rubymoon said:


> How can another man be a sexual stimulation for having sex with a dull and uninspiring partner, if women's sexual desire is based on emotions?????? :scratchhead:
> 
> If your sex drive is tied to emotions, then it's tied to the man you have those emotions for. So, you are having emotional attachment for an EA-man, and therefore your sexual desire belongs to him as well. How can it be stimulating in sex with a dull husband???


I don't think it has to be tied to the man (or woman) you have those emotions for.

Sex drive is sex drive. It can be there for one person and acted out with another. Why not?

I can only speak for myself, but if I see a topless woman on the local beach, that'll be enough to get me going and want to have sex with my wife. I've been turned on visually. And I don't need to picture this other woman while I'm with my wife.

If an attractive woman at the office compliments me and makes me feel attractive, I will feel good about myself, and even possibly turned on. It doesn't mean I want to have sex with HER. I just feel good about myself. Again, my wife will be the beneficiary of that.

Many women and men can go to a nudie bar and come home and jump their spouse. Why not?

Why can't anybody be stimulated visually or emotionally by someone else and then take that stimulation and use it with their partner?


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

alexm said:


> I see nothing wrong with watching porn, provided the person is not picturing the movie in their heads while having sex with their spouse.


But how would you ever know? In the quoted line, the OP clearly had a problem with it even though I'm sure his W never _told him_ she was. Isn't it sort of like when someone tells you "don't think about it," then that's all you can think about?

I have a problem with both EA and porn. I see the damage as the same. That time could be spent investing in your IRL partner in IRL activities. But I appreciate everyone's perspectives.

ETA: I think it's different if it's something that just happens and not sought after, like a compliment from the checker at the grocery store, and if the reaction is just that it makes you feel good about yourself and therefore.....


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think with the prevalence of porn today and how easily it can be acquired it should now be a topic of discussion between couples looking to make a long term committment...similar to finances, children, lifestyle etc. 

Both parties need to be on the same page with respect to porn. If one is deadset against it while the other is sneaking around viewing it every chance they get it will become an issue.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

When you have an emotional affair you are forming a bond with someone outside your marriage, When you view porn or romance novels you are watching or imagining fantasy. It's not the same thing.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

DaytoDay said:


> But how would you ever know? In the quoted line, the OP clearly had a problem with it even though I'm sure his W never _told him_ she was. Isn't it sort of like when someone tells you "don't think about it," then that's all you can think about?


*You don't, it's up to that person to be on the up-and-up.*



DaytoDay said:


> I have a problem with both EA and porn. I see the damage as the same. That time could be spent investing in your IRL partner in IRL activities. But I appreciate everyone's perspectives.


*
I absolutely do, too. But it's not damaging to everyone. Neither is, really. It depends on how far you take both.

FWIW, I take "EA" to mean you're getting something non-sexual from a person outside of your marriage. Frankly, if I do a piss-poor job of complimenting my wife (or even noticing her) and some guy at work DOES, and it makes her feel good, then that's really my problem.

It gets a little bit more complex when she starts talking to this guy about how her husband doesn't do this, or do that, and how HE does. That opens a whole new door. But if she can keep it at the compliment only level, then I don't see what she would be doing wrong.

EA's can, and usually do evolve into a more intimate thing than that, and THAT can be damaging. It's whether one person or the other is willing to cross that boundary.

I will tell you, when I was with my ex wife, she didn't do much complimenting. The opposite, in fact. There was a woman a bit older than me at my office, and she complimented me all the time and made little (usually non-sexual) remarks here and there, and was clearly into me. I would barely classify it as flirting, let alone a real EA, it was just... there. But I DID look forward to seeing this woman at the office. She made me feel good about myself, where my ex wife did not. But it made me feel desirable, at least during the day, and that was a good thing.

If it weren't for things like that, I would have withdrawn into myself even further at home, and things would have been much, much worse. But recognizing that it wasn't ME that was undesirable, it was my wife who had issues, helped me get through some dark times and gave me the confidence to stand up for myself.
*



DaytoDay said:


> ETA: I think it's different if it's something that just happens and not sought after, like a compliment from the checker at the grocery store, and if the reaction is just that it makes you feel good about yourself and therefore.....


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Definitely porn and EA are very different, well in my view anyway. An EA is with another real person, in many cases leads to a full on affair, and generally you are likely to become disconnected from your spouse as you are emotionally captured by another real person.

Porn on the other hand, is a temporary visual cue that I actually think is chemical. There is a study that even says, people watching porn or something similar will get physically aroused. On average it was like a man just has to watch porn for like 5 or 10 min and a women a little bit longer, but just simply watching it and doing nothing will get you aroused... so it's just an instinctual reaction to the act of sex, it's built into our DNA to respond to sex in a certain way, so watching porn just stimulates that. The thing is, you are likely going to watch different people having different types of sex and will get a similar reaction. An EA is tied to a specific person, and things they are specifically and personally saying to you about you and you back to them etc. 

What I would put on a similar level as an EA would be those video sex chats or even sexting with strangers etc.. I am guessing you keep coming back to the same people etc. and establish some kind of connection with them. So again that would likely be a problem.

I agree with MaritimeGuy, porn really should be something that is openly discussed prior to and during marriage. It's something my wife and I did not do, and 5 years into our marriage it turned out that BOTH of us were in fact secretly watching porn behind each other's backs HAH!! Thankfully that ended up just putting us on the same page. But I can very well see how in many relationship, it's just one person doing it while the other is very much opposed to it. Still, an EA is an affair and much worse.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

DoF said:


> For sure
> 
> I don't know about what you said about women and porn. Recently my wife started embracing porn and we have been watching together.
> 
> She seems to enjoy it MORE than I do.....


Be careful. I know it's none of my business but that's a slippery slope, make sure it doesn't take over your sex life. It's addictive in a way that drugs are.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Be careful. I know it's none of my business but that's a slippery slope, make sure it doesn't take over your sex life. It's addictive in a way that drugs are.


... and in a way that an EA is?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

DaytoDay said:


> ... and in a way that an EA is?


OP

one doesn't have to equate porn with cheating (e.g. that it is "as bad" as an EA) to be against both, and to be against one's partner doing either one. one might consider use of porn as violating a marital "boundary" - not considering it cheating but considering it a show of disprespect for one's partner. 

e.g. say your husband flirts a good deal with a couple female coworkers. on occassion he will take one or the other to a local place for lunch. it is debatable whether this is really infidelity. it's not really debatable whether it is in keeping with proper marital boundaries....


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> one doesn't have to equate porn with cheating (e.g. that it is "as bad" as an EA) to be against both, and to be against one's partner doing either one. one might consider use of porn as violating a marital "boundary" - not considering it cheating but considering it a show of disprespect for one's partner.
> 
> e.g. say your husband flirts a good deal with a couple female coworkers. on occassion he will take one or the other to a local place for lunch. it is debatable whether this is really infidelity. it's not really debatable whether it is in keeping with proper marital boundaries....


That's sort of true, short only because every M partnership defines their own boundaries. Some might be fine with it as long as they knew about it, etc.

As I said previously, I have an issue with both (or all three.) I posed the question simply because I like to hear "the other perspective." I think many times we don't do a very good job of putting ourselves in the shoes of our partner. Reading others thoughts/perspectives gives me potential insight into my H's head, posting mine offers the same to others. For example, I found it curious that one poster had no idea that women fantasized about men when they were having sex, whereas the OP in the original quoted post clearly recognized it and was having a hard time with it. Like him, it's hard for me to imagine that my H can spend hours looking at porn, consisting of young/perfect/photo-shopped women, and then not mentally overlay his favorite one over my 50yo IRL body.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

DaytoDay said:


> That's sort of true, short only because every M partnership defines their own boundaries. Some might be fine with it as long as they knew about it, etc.
> 
> As I said previously, I have an issue with both (or all three.) I posed the question simply because I like to hear "the other perspective." I think many times we don't do a very good job of putting ourselves in the shoes of our partner. Reading others thoughts/perspectives gives me potential insight into my H's head, posting mine offers the same to others. For example, I found it curious that one poster had no idea that women fantasized about men when they were having sex, whereas the OP in the original quoted post clearly recognized it and was having a hard time with it. Like him, it's hard for me to imagine that my H can spend hours looking at porn, consisting of young/perfect/photo-shopped women, and then not mentally overlay his favorite one over my 50yo IRL body.


IMO if you cannot accept certain behaviors then that defines a boundary (for him). and vice versa.....partners can then discuss which boundaries are not reasonable. I think yours are.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't think porn and EA's are the same but I do think they can be equally damaging to a marriage. I think the term EA itself is somewhat subjective anyway; what exactly constitutes one? Sexting, naked pics and I love you's are clearly across the line but what about having a conversation about intimate things with someone of the opposite sex? Where does that line cross? I think it can be blurry, just as what's harmful porn and what's not can be very blurry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't think porn and EA's are the same but I do think they can be equally damaging to a marriage. I think the term EA itself is somewhat subjective anyway; what exactly constitutes one? Sexting, naked pics and I love you's are clearly across the line but what about having a conversation about intimate things with someone of the opposite sex? Where does that line cross? I think it can be blurry, just as what's harmful porn and what's not can be very blurry.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: Thus the question in the first place.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Porno is a form of cheating. Viewing it is not much different than if the girl in the picture popped out and materialized in front of the guy viewing that picture. Porno expends emotional and sexual energy away from the persons relationship like a thief commits robbery.

Porn makes sex more exciting for a man because he thinks about the hot girl in the picture as he thrust into his wife. 

So to tie my comment to romance novels, yes a romance novel can cause a wife to cheat during sex with her husband if she imagines a book character is thrusting into her.

Anytime a person imagines their spouse is someone else during sex, that's cheating.

Porno has damaged more marriages than we'll ever know.

Porno and romance novels fill a void that is better filled by a persons spouse.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't think porn and EA's are the same but I do think they can be equally damaging to a marriage. I think the term EA itself is somewhat subjective anyway; what exactly constitutes one? Sexting, naked pics and I love you's are clearly across the line but what about having a conversation about intimate things with someone of the opposite sex? Where does that line cross? I think it can be blurry, just as what's harmful porn and what's not can be very blurry.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Where does one draw the line you ask?

The answer is very easy: anything that you cannot do in front of your spouse is probably cheating. Not much blurry there, right?


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> Where does one draw the line you ask?
> 
> The answer is very easy: anything that you cannot do in front of your spouse is probably cheating. Not much blurry there, right?


But some think there's nothing wrong with porn so they wouldn't have a problem doing it in front of their S. And what could possibly be wrong with reading a book, right? It's the thoughts and pictures and movies that play through the spouse's mind afterwards, that are unavailable to the discerning partner.

So then the line is blurry again.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

DaytoDay said:


> ... and in a way that an EA is?


Yes I believe so. Both wrong in my eyes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jetranger said:


> I read that some women fantasize about someone else while having sex.
> 
> As a guy, I can't get my head around that. I enjoy porn, sure, but when I am having sex I am thinking about the woman I'm having sex with!


Some men fantasize about someone else while having sex with their wife as well. Basically it's something some people do.

I've never done it either. I'm too present during sex to need things like that in my head.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

WalterWhite said:


> Porno is a form of cheating. Viewing it is not much different than if the girl in the picture popped out and materialized in front of the guy viewing that picture. Porno expends emotional and sexual energy away from the persons relationship like a thief commits robbery.
> 
> Porn makes sex more exciting for a man because he thinks about the hot girl in the picture as he thrust into his wife.
> 
> ...


I certainly disagree with this. My x wife watching a porno or reading a Romance novel wasn't the issue in our marriage. Her screwing people at work did. That's the only cheating I'm familiar with


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