# Is it time to pull the trigger?



## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Ok, this damn rollercoaster just doesn't stop. 

Fast recap: Married 23 years, 3 kids. Last year W went into therapy, saying she was depressed, not sure she wanted to be married. Very tough year during which time it came to light she had an affair. We worked through it, things seemed to be getting back on track. 

Then three weeks ago she hit me with "I have no passion for you. Love you but don't feel fulfilled in the marriage". We decided to try to work on reconnecting and try to make it through the summer. This morning I asked her about her being down and she said she is having a hard time detaching from the outcome. In the course of the convo she said she is not sure she can ever rekindle her feelings because she is not attracted to the 'core' me. 

So I ask...is there any point to continuing this? Or is this just her passive/aggressively trying to push me to be the bad guy and file for divorce? I am seriously frustrated and confused by it all. 

Thoughts?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi struggling sorry you here It sounds to me that maybe the affair has gone underground or is still going on. Only you can answer that question if you feel you have done all you can then I say yes pull the trigger maybe going through the process showing her you are serious could get her off the fence


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

These sound like the words of someone still in an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Sorry I haven't replied, been trying to mull over everything. 

No the affair is over. I have a pretty good lock on her accounts and communications. The OM did some stupid (read stalkerish) things that have pretty much shown her that he is the a-hole that I knew he was.

However, I am thinking that she is still getting her emotional needs met elsewhere. Whether friends (she has one good male friend and one good female friend who are her go-to when she is upset) or her therapist she doesn't seem to be getting what she needs from me emotionally.

She has told me that I need to be able to handle ambiguity with no reassurances in the months ahead. So basically, I am in limbo with no plan of action, no way of helping the situation and no real guarantees that it's going to end well. Joy.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

You can turn it around and tell her that you cannot accept ambiguity in the coming months. What you can accept is a genuine attempt to join with you in saving the marriage. If she cannot accept this, then I agree that it is over. I think you should still make it clear that indifference is never acceptable in a marriage, so this is her choice. In my opinion, she's speaking a lot of hogwash, treating her attraction as though it is some ethereal cloud that chooses on its own if it wants to decend upon her. I've been married 25 years, and if we've learned one thing is that this 'core attraction' is something we have complete control over if we choose to work for it. You deserve that with a woman who isn't spoiled.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

@Halien - that's the weird part. She claims that she is working to save the marriage and rekindle her feelings. She just doesn't want me seeing everything as either all good or all bad. If we have sex I shouldn't read into it that everything is going to be ok. If we fight I shouldn't read into it that we're doomed. And because she's so unsure of what she wants or all this other crap she can't give me reassurances that things are getting better. 

So it's a bit frustrating and just feels like I'm spinning my wheels while waiting for the emperor to give my marriage a thumbs up or thumbs down.

I've been working on improving me and being a better man (bad case of Nice Guy syndrome) and I have had some decent success. So I am more inclined to take action and there is no action for me to take (according to her). 

Limbo sucks.

Oh and I dig your location. Loved Firefly and Serenity myself. ;-)


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> @Halien - that's the weird part. She claims that she is working to save the marriage and rekindle her feelings. She just doesn't want me seeing everything as either all good or all bad. If we have sex I shouldn't read into it that everything is going to be ok. If we fight I shouldn't read into it that we're doomed. And because she's so unsure of what she wants or all this other crap she can't give me reassurances that things are getting better.
> 
> So it's a bit frustrating and just feels like I'm spinning my wheels while waiting for the emperor to give my marriage a thumbs up or thumbs down.
> 
> ...


It just seems that when a person has been married as long as you have, for your wife to suddenly think that love and attraction don't take an active work of dedication is just short of losing her mind. To be honest, this was why I latched on to the location in Serenity, because it seems like so many of the issues I see on this site are like people who are taking Hollywood movie themes as gospel, and have forgotten the "earth that was".

Its just an opinion, but I've seen it referenced in articles, but women (and men) who fall into affairs in long term marriages tend to look at attraction very much like your wife describes. They will view attraction and the 'feeling' of love as something like a foreign entity, of which they are a victim.

The point in bringing this up is to suggest that you consider researching the subject of attraction and what it takes to maintain it in a long term relationship. Also, if you could find an experienced, mature counselor for her, perhaps this would help. My wife and I went through premarital counseling with a wise native american with great credentials. One thing that impressed us about him was that he always said that when a person makes comments like your wife does, it should instinctively make her question herself instead of you, because she would've never married you if that attraction wasn't really there.

The best that you can do is to be the kind of man you always tried hard to become, and find the place where you are ready to tell her that the immature belief of love that she holds, which also led her into her affair, is no longer acceptable to you. It is linked, I strongly believe. If you act upon this assumption that what she is doing now is the same thing that stood as a root cause for her infidelity, I think your decision making process can be clearer.


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