# Oldest daughter heard him on Porn



## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Ok here is a situation. 

A husband has a porn addiction. It's pretty perverted but it's all fantasy during that time. The 30 year old step-daughter happen to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and overheard him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn. She was utterly disgusted. The daughter is living with him and her mom, with her young daughter til she gets a job so all are living in the same house and this happens. 

What kind of advise can I give all involved? Here is how it played out and where things are so far:

1. The daughter went and told her mom out of disgust.
2. The mom confronted the husband and first he acted outraged and defensive because he felt like it's his house and he didn't think anyone was up. I think he was just embarrassed so he reacted.
3. The daughter got upset with the mom because she felt this is where she should draw the line and divorce him, but the mom said she didn't like that this happend but they have been working thru it.
4. After everything calmed down, the husband did approach the daughter and apologized sincerely.
5. The daughter is just disgusted and doesn't want anything to do with him anymore so now they just don't speak and she won't even let her 1 year old daughter around him.
6. The mother has pretty much backed away and let them work it out because she says she doesn't know what else to say about it.

Any thoughts?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Wow.

I got nothing. Maybe some time passing will help but who knows.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

From the account posted, I'm going to take a wild guess that this was some sort of stepfather/stepdaughter fantasy thing. 

According to YouPorn's year in retrospect for 2018, the second highest search term for all men was "Step mom". Not exactly the same thing, but the genre is prevalent, popular, and ubiquitous on even the mainstream porn sites. Just for your information. 

Shaming someone for their fantasy life is not IMHO a good thing, especially if he has never shown any actual predatory behavior. He was sloppy and got busted, which should cause a pretty harsh "behind a locked door" conversation, but asking your mom to divorce the man? That is not her right. Keeping her children away is certainly something she can choose, especially since most sexual abuse comes for a family member. I don't know the man, and I don't know if this is reasonable or not. 

But as long as he is not a predator, this sounds like an embarrassing situation run out of control. Everyone should take an Ambien and he should ensure that it never happens again.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What is there to give advice about, really? Tell the mom to divorce him? She doesn’t want to. Tell the stepdad to quit fantasizing about his stepdaughter? Good luck with that. Tell the stepdaughter to pretend it’s all good again? I don’t think so. 

My advice is to stay out of it.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Cletus said:


> From the account posted, I'm going to take a wild guess that this was some sort of stepfather/stepdaughter fantasy thing.
> 
> According to YouPorn's year in retrospect for 2018, the second highest search term for all men was "Step mom". Not exactly the same thing, but the genre is prevalent, popular, and ubiquitous on even the mainstream porn sites. Just for your information.
> 
> ...


Yes it was more of an embarrassing situation. The mom didn't shame the man, she just brought the situation to his attention and I think his reaction was out of embarrassment. I do think the daughter went too far. I mean yes she felt disgusted but to put that kind of pressure on the mom was not called for. I think the mom hates it happend because now the daughter knows his dirty little secret. The mom and him can handle his "addiction" and I think they are working through it but it's hard to explain all that to someone who doesn't have to deal with it. He's not a pervert or looking at the daughter in a crazy way. The porn just had him caught up. But try explaining that to the person who is disgusted.

I think they are all just letting time heal it all. I feel for all of them because it's just uncomfortable for everyone involved. Thanks.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Openminded said:


> What is there to give advice about, really? Tell the mom to divorce him? She doesn’t want to. Tell the stepdad to quit fantasizing about his stepdaughter? Good luck with that. Tell the stepdaughter to pretend it’s all good again? I don’t think so.
> 
> My advice is to stay out of it.


True. Pretty much I just told the mom let time heal all wounds and let it all just play out. As long as she has a relationship with her daughter and grand daughter, and her marriage is still intact. Move on. The daughter at 30 years old doesn't HAVE to have a relationship with her mom's husband. That may be the only price he husband will have to pay for his "sins" and quite frankly they are not close so I doubt it will be any skin off his back.

Thanks.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

My mother would have said "least said, soonest mended" 

Touch situation. Ugh.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Cletus said:


> From the account posted, I'm going to take a wild guess that this was some sort of stepfather/stepdaughter fantasy thing.
> 
> According to YouPorn's year in retrospect for 2018, the second highest search term for all men was "Step mom". Not exactly the same thing, but the genre is prevalent, popular, and ubiquitous on even the mainstream porn sites. Just for your information.
> 
> ...


And here I'll disagree with the majority. There may be fantasies that are healthy, but a fantasy that involves a family member, something where in real life it would be very disturbing, and played out under the same roof that the family member is currently living... that is going way too far and may require intervention. The whole problem with the addictive nature of porn, for those susceptible, is the blurring of lines between fantasy and reality. I think many would agree that that's the point where porn becomes a problem? And when you use real life characters who could walk in on you? 

This is way too uncomfortable for me to give a pass. The thread title is a bit misleading; it sounds like oldest daughter walked in on him while he was acting out on porn. Should be oldest daughter overheard her fantasizing about HER while viewing porn. Big difference.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

MZMEE said:


> Ok here is a situation.
> 
> A husband has a porn addiction. It's pretty perverted but it's all fantasy during that time. The 30 year old step-daughter happen to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and overheard him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn. She was utterly disgusted. The daughter is living with him and her mom, with her young daughter til she gets a job so all are living in the same house and this happens.
> 
> ...


First, it is the husband and mom's house, so husband can have whatever fantasies he wants in the privacy of his own home. It was the middle of the night, he thought no one was awake...so as an adult human, he's allowed sexually express himself in his house. 

The fact he used step-D's name doesn't mean he was fantasizing about her specifically--sometimes you just gotta pick a name and her name is "nearby" so go with it. Thus I don't jump to the conclusion he was fantasizing about her. 

Daughter has no right that I can see to expect her mom to divorce husband over this. I mean, if mom found D's hubby in his fantasy/kink, she'd probably feel the heebie-jeebies too (cuz who thinks of their parents or kids "that way"). The only exception I can think of would be if husband WAS fantasizing about her specifically (not just using the name) and/or if it was some kind of pedophila kind of kink. 

If D isn't comfortable, she's a fully grown adult and personally responsible for herself...she can move out and support her own self. If she accepts the support of "parental units" she's going to have to accept that they are sexual beings. 

If D wants to keep her child (grand-daughter) away from husband, that's her perogative. She's the parent. She has a duty to protect her child (the grand-daughter) and she's allowed to believe this is too disgusting. Long story short, she can protect her child with a boundary and the grand-parents can decide if they will or will not live by that boundary. If they decide to NOT live by that boundary, then they won't see their grand-kid...it's simple.

D doesn't need to have a relationship with step-dad. They can even be distant. As long as she's living in his house, though, she'll have to at minimum be respectful and civil toward him in his own home. 

If it were me, this isn't a great topic to discuss with kids, but sometimes people just need to have a talk. If I were the mom, I would have a frank talk with the D rather than bury it, and then I'd like D and husband have whatever relationship they are going to have. It's up to the two of them (not her) to relate ... OR NOT.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I gotta go with OMG. 

I don't think porn is very healthy to begin with... 

But that isn't even the issue here. He is using porn to actively fantasize about a person living in the same house. Is the mother out of her mind? If I every remarried and caught my new husband watching porn while fantasizing about my daughter, yes there would be a problem.

The intro doesn't even address what kind of porn. I mean the whole situation to me is wrong but the daughter might be extra offend/ worried if it was any kind of forceful situation like face ****ing, holding down during any act. I haven't see a lot of porn but it seems now days much of it has kind of a unhealthy force or violent tendencies against women. To be watching that while being in the same household is going outside the bounds of fantasy if you ask me. 

It is the difference between a romance novel and an emotional affair. One is clearly not real the other is a few drinks / miscommunication / what have you from some very real actions.

And it does go a long way to note...
1 in 6 women experience rape or attempted rape in their lifetime. The vast majority of which are committed by people known to them and often some form of family member.

Here's clip from a standard psych page. 

"And research suggests that the more times a person predisposed to rape spends engaging in deviant thoughts and viewing risk-enhancing material, the more likely they are at some point to act on them. So visiting such sites is not without risk — especially because the “connections” a person can make to others frequenting the sites and participating in the “games” can result in an unwitting connection to a skilled predator."


So I don't know what advice I'd give the Mom. I don't think the daughter is out of line to speak to her mother about her concerns or to be worried about the situation or to guard her daughter. If he is a porn addict it would take a lot of research to see 'all' the genre's he watches. Maybe he's already addicted to child porn. Who knows. 

I think I'd see if I could help the daughter financially to get out of the house sooner. OF course that is assume she doesn't help herself out of the marriage. I'm afraid I wouldn't be in this situation because I wouldn't 'handle' the porn addiction so well myself.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Came here to say basically what @Affaircare said, but even harsher.

My advice would be to throw the 30 year old child out.

I’m on the fence about “porn addiction.” To me, it’s only a problem if it’s a problem. For some, a porn addiction is if someone watches it at all, for others it’s watching it alone, for others yet it’s only a problem if it impacts the relationship in a demonstrable way. Meaning, it’s hurting your sex life. That’s where I’m at on the spectrum.

If the porn specifically was targeted towards the adult daughter, then that’s squicky for sure. But it most likely wasn’t. You’d look for porn stars that look like the person, not have the same name, I’d think.

So what I think what happened was an adult daughter caught her stepdad going at it in the bathroom. His bathroom.

In my mind, she should either be more discreet about such things and not sit there listening at the door being disgusted when she’s an adult guest of her parent. It’s their house, not the 30 year old adult child. It’s no different than overhearing them bang, and being all “what about your grandchild” when it really should be “are you going to move out yet if you find it awkward to live with your sexually active parents?”

Calling for a divorce... wow, how about an entitled 30 year old child with a kid of her own. If you’re going to keep your kid away every man that’s spanked one to perverted porn, then I guess you’re going to live on a woman-only island or something. And women are no different.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This is kind of a chicken or egg situation. Did the pervert seek out perverted porn or did the perverted porn turn him into a pervert? It doesn't really matter as this guy is a pervert and Mom is chill and working through it. 

Daughter has a right to protect her child however she sees fit. Should she decide to never let her mom or mom's perverted consort be alone with the child, she is within her rights. She would be wise to set up her own domicile as soon as possible.

He's only sorry he got caught - not that he was using his step-daughter as spank material. ****ing creep.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> He's only sorry he got caught - not that he was using his step-daughter as spank material. ****ing creep.


How do we know that? Porn is usually about what people look like, not what name they call each other. The name could have easily been a coincidence.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have no idea why the mother would think she should be with him. Bad enough that he uses porn a lot, far worse that he is fantasising about his step daughter while watching it. If I was that mum I would support my daughter and granddaughter and put them first. I can fully understand how that daughter must feel and I would be upset that my mother wasn't supporting me over him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> I gotta go with OMG.
> 
> I don't think porn is very healthy to begin with...
> 
> ...


Agreed, but even if the daughter moved out the problem is still there. The fact is that this man thinks its acceptable to use porn to fantasise about his step daughter, and she must feel so uncomfortable around him now whether that is living there or visiting. The mum isn't doing enough to protect her daughter and granddaughter and she may well loose them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Even if the daughter moved out the problem is still there. The fact is that this man thinks its acceptable 
to use porn to fantasise about his step daughter, and she must feel so uncomfortable around him now whether
that is living there or visiting. The mum isn't doing enough to protect her daughter and granddaughter and she may well loose them. 
Sorry but their safety and well being is paramount. The mother is abdicating her responsibility by withdrawing and wanting them to work it out. The daughter will always feel very uncomfortable with him now not surprisingly and so would I.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

MZMEE said:


> Ok here is a situation.
> 
> ... overheard him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn.


Please note the OP does not say the husband was fantasizing ABOUT HER. Rather, he was watching his brand of porn and chose her NAME while watching. 

OP uses the term “perverted act” but we don’t know what it was...so it could have just been spanking the monkey (some folks think that’s perverted).

So to jump to assumptions isn’t necessary. He’s allowed his kink in the privacy of his own home. It could well be he was watching a porn with a girl named “Brandy” and step-D’s name also happens to be Brandy. See what I mean?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Marduk said:


> How do we know that? Porn is usually about what people look like, not what name they call each other. The name could have easily been a coincidence.


*"2. The mom confronted the husband and first he acted outraged and defensive because he felt like it's his house and he didn't think anyone was up."*

This is how we know he's sorry he got caught. This is how we know he isn't sorry he used her name, image, whatever.

And, he didn't think anyone was up; so, no harm and no foul - right?

If a person has to have their arm twisted to offer an apology, it isn't an apology - it's an appeasement.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> *"2. The mom confronted the husband and first he acted outraged and defensive because he felt like it's his house and he didn't think anyone was up."*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Which again, proves nothing more than he was caught.

If you can discern what specifically he was defensive over (beyond simply being caught), then your ESP is clearly better than mine.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MZMEE said:


> Ok here is a situation.
> 
> A husband has a porn addiction. It's pretty perverted but it's all fantasy during that time. The 30 year old step-daughter happen to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and overheard him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn. She was utterly disgusted. The daughter is living with him and her mom, with her young daughter til she gets a job so all are living in the same house and this happens.
> 
> ...


Using her name? That's inappropriate at the very minimum and possibly worse.

Her mother is desperate to keep him. So desperate that she is risking her relationships with her daughter and her grandchild.

Daughter should remove herself and her child from this toxic environment ASAP.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

OP, did your friend tell you what he apologized for?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Cletus said:


> but asking your mom to divorce the man?


I can't even see how that had to be a question. My husband wanking it and saying my adult daughter's name would be enough for me to walk. 

Coincidence? Awful HUGE coincidence. 

Private fantasy? Ok, but still a permanent complete turn off. Feel free to fantasize about whatever you like as a single man.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Using her name? That's inappropriate at the very minimum and possibly worse.
> 
> *Her mother is desperate to keep him. So desperate that she is risking her relationships with her daughter and her grandchild.*
> 
> Daughter should remove herself and her child from this toxic environment ASAP.


That's exactly what it sounds like to me.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@MZMEE I think it would be helpful to know whether or not the daughter's name is a common one or not. 

It's difficult for me to feel anything but disgust at the step dad in your story but that's because I have a unique name and it's impossible for me to not think he was fantasizing about his step daughter.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MZMEE said:


> Ok here is a situation.
> 
> A husband has a porn addiction. It's pretty perverted but it's all fantasy during that time. The 30 year old step-daughter happen to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and overheard him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn. She was utterly disgusted. The daughter is living with him and her mom, with her young daughter til she gets a job so all are living in the same house and this happens.
> 
> ...


Hopefully she can get on her feet quickly and get her little child out of the house.

She is doing good to keep clear of him until she can get out. He needs professional help. 

I would be enraged if I was the mother here and my jack off excuse for a husband was living out perverted fantasies about my daughter.

Very sick.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ok. She should get a dummy of some sort and, when she knows her lovely step dad can overhear, start living out an ultra violent torture/murder fantasy of a sex pervert that just happens to have his name.

Just a coincidence........ I'm sure he'll understand.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Which again, proves nothing more than he was caught.
> 
> If you can discern what specifically he was defensive over (beyond simply being caught), then your ESP is clearly better than mine.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


My ESP has always been better than yours.:grin2:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Ok. She should get a dummy of some sort and, when she knows her lovely step dad can overhear, start living out an ultra violent torture/murder fantasy of a sex pervert that just happens to have his name.
> 
> Just a coincidence........ I'm sure he'll understand.


A couple of goons in the flesh named Big Bubba and Big Bubba, Jr. would enhance that fantasy.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> *"2. The mom confronted the husband and first he acted outraged and defensive because he felt like it's his house and he didn't think anyone was up."*
> 
> This is how we know he's sorry he got caught. This is how we know he isn't sorry he used her name, image, whatever.
> 
> ...


Ya, he got caught masturbating by a nosy adult stepdaughter. 

I would have reacted the same way.

The core issue here is: was he doing it while fantasizing about the stepdaughter? If so, I agree that it's gross and he's the problem. If he wasn't, than I think the stepdaughter is the problem.

I have never had a fantasy related to a person's name, ever. And I have quite a rich fantasy life.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Oh man, I'm going to regret this, but what the hell.

The stepdaughter isn't a pre-pubescent 10 year old. She's 30. If her stepfather is fantasizing about her, it's one adult fantasizing about another adult to whom he is not related. 

All of you stepmoms with teenage stepsons who find this nauseating? Don't ever ask for a sincere accounting of your stepson's fantasy life. You might not recover.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Cletus said:


> Oh man, I'm going to regret this, but what the hell.
> 
> The stepdaughter isn't a pre-pubescent 10 year old. She's 30. If her stepfather is fantasizing about her, it's one adult fantasizing about another adult to whom he is not related.
> 
> All of you stepmoms with teenage stepsons who find this nauseating? * Don't ever ask for a sincere accounting of your stepson's fantasy life. You might not recover.*


For the sake of discussion, I wonder how many men would be okay knowing that their wives have sexual fantasies starring their step sons? I also wonder how many step sons would feel okay knowing their step mom's watch porn and diddle to them?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Lila said:


> For the sake of discussion, I wonder how many men would be okay knowing that their wives have sexual fantasies starring their step sons? I also wonder how many step sons would feel okay knowing their step mom's watch porn and diddle to them?


Probably hardly anyone would be comfortable with it. I get that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lila said:


> For the sake of discussion, I wonder how many men would be okay knowing that their wives have sexual fantasies starring their step sons? I also wonder how many step sons would feel okay knowing their step mom's watch porn and diddle to them?


Gross. Age doesn't matter here. If Mrs. Conan's stepdad got caught doing this with her as the focal point of his pathetic wanking or whatever, he would become ex communicated from my direct family.

I also meant to say that gender doesn't make it any less gross.

If I lost Mrs. C and remarried only to find out my wife was living out some kinky fantasy about my son it would be over.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Cletus said:


> Probably hardly anyone would be comfortable with it. I get that.





ConanHub said:


> Gross. Age doesn't matter here. If Mrs. Conan's stepdad got caught doing this with her as the focal point of his pathetic wanking or whatever, he would become ex communicated from my direct family.
> 
> I also meant to say that gender doesn't make it any less gross.
> 
> If I lost Mrs. C and remarried only to find out my wife was living out some kinky fantasy about my son it would be over.


Thanks for responding. I think it's completely disgusting either way but wasn't sure if this was strictly a woman issue or not.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Lila said:


> Thanks for responding. I think it's completely disgusting either way but wasn't sure if this was strictly a woman issue or not.


It's not a woman or a man issue. 

My wife finds oral disgusting.
I find anal a little disgusting.
Many women find rape fantasies disgusting, but just as many women have them. 
Many people find pegging, S&M, and a whole host of other sexual desires to be disgusting. Disgust is in the eyes of the disgusted. 

There is no objective truth here. What's your must prurient fantasy? Do you want to be judged for it? 

The only reason I comment is because this one thing seems to be very high on the list of male interests, if our accumulated data on porn searches is any indicator. And because I'm almost sure to get labeled here, no I am not a stepfather or stepson and no this particular fantasy is not on my list.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Lila said:


> For the sake of discussion, I wonder how many men would be okay knowing that their wives have sexual fantasies starring their step sons?


We're firmly stepping into thought police territory now. 

I don't think you get to choose what - or who - turn you on. I do think you get to choose what you do about it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Personally, I agree with you. 

This man brought this situation on himself because he chose to get off in a space that wasn't truly private. 

But, having said that, I think (as Marduk wrote as I was writing) playing the thought police is quite a slippery slope, and people are entitled to their privacy.



Cletus said:


> It's not a woman or a man issue.
> 
> My wife finds oral disgusting.
> I find anal a little disgusting.
> ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

minimalME said:


> Personally, I agree with you.
> 
> This man brought this situation on himself because he chose to get off in a space that wasn't truly private.
> 
> But, having said that, I think (as Marduk wrote as I was writing) playing the thought police is quite a slippery slope, and people are entitled to their privacy.


His own locked bathroom in his own house in the early morning hours when he thought everyone was asleep isn’t private enough?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Obviously not. 



Marduk said:


> His own locked bathroom in his own house in the early morning hours when he thought everyone was asleep isn’t private enough?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Cletus said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks for responding. I think it's completely disgusting either way but wasn't sure if this was strictly a woman issue or not.
> ...


You are right that fantasies are personal. I still think if I was the step daughter in this situation, I would probably stay the **** away from my stepdad. I would feel sad about having to put boundaries on visits with my mom but I don't think I could forget what I know about her spouse.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I wonder what her name is. 

If it’s something that’s a common name or is a common porn screen name I’d be laughing out loud. 

But... my stepdaughters name is “Ivana Humpalot, you perv!”

You could just search it up on one of the porn sites and see what comes up. If there’s like a million hits, I don’t think she has a leg to stand on. If it’s unique or he admits he was acting out a fantasy about her, then you have a potential problem.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He had to know that there would be a pretty good chance that he would be overheard by someone.

Could he have engineered the accidental outing of himself? Possibly as a way to clue DIL into the fact that he fancies her? 

Or as a way to encourage her to leave his home?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

True, but at the same time I think a lot of people have fantasies that would make others very uncomfortable. Its very difficult when one of these is discovered, but I work on the assumption that those fantasies are out there. 



Lila said:


> For the sake of discussion, I wonder how many men would be okay knowing that their wives have sexual fantasies starring their step sons? I also wonder how many step sons would feel okay knowing their step mom's watch porn and diddle to them?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Lila said:


> You are right that fantasies are personal. I still think if I was the step daughter in this situation, I would probably stay the **** away from my stepdad. I would feel sad about having to put boundaries on visits with my mom but I don't think I could forget what I know about her spouse.


That's fair. 

I would have some subversive (and admittedly probably a little mean) fun with it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> He had to know that there would be a pretty good chance that he would be overheard by someone.
> 
> Could he have engineered the accidental outing of himself? Possibly as a way to clue DIL into the fact that he fancies her?
> 
> Or as a way to encourage her to leave his home?


Again, in his own locked bathroom in the early hours of the morning when he thought everyone was asleep?

I think he did more than enough to be private.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Unless he was _extraordinary_ loud, I really don't get how she was able to hear _and understand_ what was going on - unless she was eavesdropping.

Walking past a closed door in the morning? I'm just not buying that.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

minimalME said:


> Unless he was _extraordinary_ loud, I really don't get how she was able to hear _and understand_ what was going on - unless she was eavesdropping.
> 
> Walking past a closed door in the morning? I'm just not buying that.


That’s my guess. Throw on some porn. Listen for a woman’s name. 

You’ll probably have to listen for a while to hear one.

And it’s unlikely he had the volume cranked at that time of the morning. 

It does provide the stepdaughter for a convenient method to get the stepdad out of the picture, though. She’d have a free crash pad with her mommy as long as she wanted, then.

Again, if he was specifically fantasizing about her, different story maybe. But nothing here says that.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> You are right that fantasies are personal. I still think if I was the step daughter in this situation, I would probably stay the **** away from my stepdad. I would feel sad about having to put boundaries on visits with my mom but I don't think I could forget what I know about her spouse.


In which case the door is in exactly the same place it was when she moved her stuff into the house...and it allows for said stuff to be moved out.

ETA: FTR, I meant the step-daughter.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

The fact he didn't know he was caught until the wife brought it up makes me wonder what the s-d was doing.
Doesn't sound like she caught him by accident. Was there already a strained relationship between him and the s-d? Was she mad at him? He at her? 

If he was embarrassed it would seem he didn't know he had been found out whatever the fantasy was.

I'm with whoever asked it her name is a common name, and what was the history on the device he was using show?
Check the device before deciding.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm wondering if those employing the 'king of the castle' defense would be as vehement if the guy had called out the name of the one year old granddaughter.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Marduk said:


> The core issue here is: was he doing it while fantasizing about the stepdaughter? If so, I agree that it's gross and he's the problem. If he wasn't, than I think the stepdaughter is the problem.
> 
> I have never had a fantasy related to a person's name, ever. And I have quite a rich fantasy life.


This. Adding the name, to me, is where one has to be concerned about blending fantasy with reality and possibly losing track of the difference. It's not the creepiness that's the issue here. Creepy might be worth a pass. It's the personalization that's key. Someone asked (@Lila ?) if if was a common name. My assumptions is that, had it been, that would have been part of the guy's apology. That it wasn't about her, but someone else. Or just a random thing.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> In which case the door is in exactly the same place it was when she moved her stuff into the house...and it allows for said stuff to be moved out.
> 
> ETA: FTR, I meant the step-daughter.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I totally agree. I would be high tailing it out of there ASAP. Applying to every social service assistance offered. No way would I stay there longer than I absolutely had to. 

It's sad. This is going to no doubt strain her relationship with her mother. I'm not sure it could ever go back to the way it was.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Marduk said:


> That’s my guess. Throw on some porn. Listen for a woman’s name.
> 
> You’ll probably have to listen for a while to hear one.
> 
> ...


I got the impression that it was his house? So how would she have a free crash pad?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> I got the impression that it was his house? So how would she have a free crash pad?


The step daughter demanded that her mom divorce the step dad, remember?

While living in his house at 30 years old with a kid of her own?

Having him thrown out of his own house would be awfully convenient for this 30 year old child.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm wondering if those employing the 'king of the castle' defense would be as vehement if the guy had called out the name of the one year old granddaughter.


Have you ever watched any? If so, have you ever searched up someone by name because that's the name of someone in real life that you're fantasizing over?

I've never even heard of that. I'm sure somebody has done it, but I highly suspect it's more about what the actress looks like and does than it is about her name. 

The guy didn't call out her name. At least that's not how I read it. I thought the name was used in what he was watching, not as vocalized by him.

But I guess we're all speculating here. I'll stop until we get more info.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Marduk said:


> The step daughter demanded that her mom divorce the step dad, remember?
> 
> While living in his house at 30 years old with a kid of her own?
> 
> Having him thrown out of his own house would be awfully convenient for this 30 year old child.


The step-daughter has a right to voice her extreme displeasure, to call into question the ethics & morals of the man her mother married, but she does not have the right to demand that she divorce him. That's just wrong. Lots of discussion to go on before divorce is the subject at hand.


----------



## hilariouslaughter (Jan 15, 2020)

If anyone actually thinks he wasn't aware that the name he used was his stepdaughter's name and that wasn't WHY he used it....

I have this cool mansion in the middle of the Pacific Ocean to sell you.

Nothing wrong with masturbating. Something weird about masturbating while thinking about your stepdaughter when she LIVES in the house....


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

minimalME said:


> Unless he was _extraordinary_ loud, I really don't get how she was able to hear _and understand_ what was going on - unless she was eavesdropping.
> 
> Walking past a closed door in the morning? I'm just not buying that.


Dude, in my house you can clearly hear a whispered conversation from one closed door bedroom that's happening in another closed door bedroom. The bathroom, other than having a door, isn't any more private from a soundproofing point of view.

The house my friend grew up in had tiled bathrooms. You could literally hear breathing in the hall because the tiles echoed.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marduk said:


> The step daughter demanded that her mom divorce the step dad, remember?
> 
> While living in his house at 30 years old with a kid of her own?
> 
> Having him thrown out of his own house would be awfully convenient for this 30 year old child.


Machiavellian. The guy is still warped regardless.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm wondering if those employing the 'king of the castle' defense would be as vehement if the guy had called out the name of the one year old granddaughter.


This is, forgive me, kind of a ludicrous post.

Kindly, I don't think any responses even come close to even remotely indicating that type of accusation is warranted.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Marduk said:


> Have you ever watched any? If so, have you ever searched up someone by name because that's the name of someone in real life that you're fantasizing over?
> 
> I've never even heard of that. I'm sure somebody has done it, but I highly suspect it's more about what the actress looks like and does than it is about her name.
> 
> ...


If the bolded is the case it has potential at least to be seen as whole different ball game.

If the guy was moaning out the name it's one thing (bad, we all can say), if it was off a video being played it's kind of apples and oranges.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

This line caught my attention:

3. The daughter got upset with the mom because she felt this is where she should draw the line and divorce him, but the mom said she didn't like that this happend but they have been working thru it.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the step daughter doesn't like this guy, perhaps for good reasons but the mom can't see the forest through the trees, and remains in the marriage.

I'm guessing, with the limited info here. I do believe anything can become an addiction...it's basically if you can't live without it. If the dad in question here can't live without porn, he's addicted to it. If he can't go without it for a week even, he's addicted to it.

The fact that he's blurting out the step daughter's name is gross, and I don't blame the SD for not wanting to be around him. 

The SD has a young daughter of her own, we don't know why she's living there, but to kick her out without a job, wouldn't be kind. I wouldn't kick the husband out over one incident, but reading between the lines, it seems that the daughter is shocked that her mother won't stand up for herself or the daughter.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Just the generic situation "A husband is playing out a vocal porn fantasy using a close relative's name" is very unusual. What if it was his wife's sister? That seems divorce-worthy right there. I can't imagine too many wives would be okay with their husband acting out porn fantasies while he thinks of his sister-in-law. 

Do you know anything about the fantasy or what was said? Was it something generic like "Oh yes, oh Cindy, oh yes", or was it something really graphic and specific like he was acting something out?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"The 30 year old step-daughter happen to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and *overheard him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn.*"

It seems pretty clear to me.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is, forgive me, kind of a ludicrous post.
> 
> Kindly, I don't think any responses even come close to even remotely indicating that type of accusation is warranted.


Why is it ludicrous?


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I understand. I still don't believe it.



MJJEAN said:


> Dude, in my house you can clearly hear a whispered conversation from one closed door bedroom that's happening in another closed door bedroom. The bathroom, other than having a door, isn't any more private from a soundproofing point of view.
> 
> The house my friend grew up in had tiled bathrooms. You could literally hear breathing in the hall because the tiles echoed.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Why is it ludicrous?


Because it immediately jumps to pedophilia and harkens back to "think about the children!"

The worst case scenario here is that the stepdad is enacting fantasies about a 30 year old woman that isn't biologically related to him. I still find it repulsive because it's his wife's daughter, don't get me wrong. I'd have a major problem with that if I were the wife or the daughter, but that's a whole different game than enacting a fantasy about a 1 year old child.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Why is it ludicrous?


Because no responders indicated in anyway whatsoever it would be ok to them in any manner to swap the baby's name. Eewwww.

So it becomes easy to disregard as non applicable the comment. Silly, and intentionally inflammatory.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Marduk said:


> Because it immediately jumps to pedophilia and harkens back to "think about the children!"
> 
> The worst case scenario here is that the stepdad is enacting fantasies about a 30 year old woman that isn't biologically related to him. I still find it repulsive because it's his wife's daughter, don't get me wrong. I'd have a major problem with that if I were the wife or the daughter, but that's a whole different game than enacting a fantasy about a 1 year old child.


But, but... it's his house. What he does in his house is his business and if other residents don't like it then they can get the hell out.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Shoot.

I just realized I'm agreeing with @Marduk again.

I guess some things we don't see eye to eye, but some things we kind of do.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Because no responders indicated in anyway whatsoever it would be ok to them in any manner to swap the baby's name. Eewwww.
> 
> So it becomes easy to disregard as non applicable the comment. Silly, and intentionally inflammatory.


Careful, you're projecting. I wasn't accusing. As I said, I was wondering if their stance would change. And, it appears it would. So, there goes the defense that a man can do whatever he wants in his own home and it's no one else's business.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> But, but... it's his house. What he does in his house is his business and if other residents don't like it then they can get the hell out.


My point is that it is very much a false analogy to make. It's like a husband saying that his wife cannot be around his 1 year old son because his wife was fantasizing about the 30 year old pool boy.

What does fantasizing about a 30 year old woman have to do with fantasizing about a 1 year old baby? Nothing.

Should his wife expect privacy in a locked bathroom in her own home from both the husband and the pool boy? I would say yes. 

Two unrelated issues. Either way, bringing pedophilia into the equation was very weird.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Marduk said:


> My point is that it is very much a false analogy to make. It's like a husband saying that his wife cannot be around his 1 year old son because his wife was fantasizing about the 30 year old pool boy.
> 
> What does fantasizing about a 30 year old woman have to do with fantasizing about a 1 year old baby? Nothing.
> 
> ...


Do you really think the mother of the baby isn't concerned about pedophilia?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Shoot.
> 
> I just realized I'm agreeing with @Marduk again.
> 
> I guess some things we don't see eye to eye, but some things we kind of do.


Of course you do. Porn causes guys to want to sing Kumbaya.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Shoot.
> 
> I just realized I'm agreeing with @Marduk again.
> 
> I guess some things we don't see eye to eye, but some things we kind of do.


I only generally bother voicing disagreement with people I respect, and you're one of them.

Besides, just because I may disagree with you in politics, say, doesn't mean I don't agree with you in many different arenas. As I've said elsewhere, I'm friends with a rootin' tootin' gun totin' Trump voting Texan. I disagree with him about just about everything except bourbon, but he's a hell of a good guy and we have laughs together when he's in town, or I'm down there.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Of course you do. Porn causes guys to want to sing Kumbaya.


OK that's judgmental and offensive. 

I'm taking a time out here because you're seriously crossing some lines.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Weird. I asked for more info because I thought I read it wrong. I read it similar to marduk. Step-dad was watching something that had her name.

Then everyone started saying It was vocalized.

Now, I don’t feel as silly.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

One aspect of this that I think needs to be considered is that it was a man fantasizing about a woman in the house that the woman was living in. She may have thought of the house as a safe place where she didn't have to worry about men coming onto her, but now she knows that's not the case. She knows that he is likely looking at her with lust, fantasizing about how she looks naked, etc. She may have fears he will violate her privacy so that he can see her naked. Certainly that can happen in any living situation, but in this case she clearly knows what is going on.

One way I think about this for me is to imagine what if I got up in the middle of the night and heard my theoretical step-*father* having porn fantasies about me. I would likely not be able to just brush it off. Maybe my mom would be okay with it like the wife the OP (e.g. "he has bisexual tendencies and this is how he deals with them"), but I would be very creeped out and want to get far away from him. Especially if I had my 1-year-old living with me. I might not ask my mom to divorce him, but it would greatly change my relationship with that part of my family and my relationship with my mom would suffer.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Marduk said:


> OK that's judgmental and offensive.
> 
> I'm taking a time out here because you're seriously crossing some lines.


Well, you're no fun.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Do you really think the mother of the baby isn't concerned about pedophilia?


I dunno.

Do you really think she is? What indications are there?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What indications are there?


he’s a man. lol


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## hilariouslaughter (Jan 15, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> "The 30 year old step-daughter happen to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and *overheard him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn.*"
> 
> It seems pretty clear to me.


 It is completely clear. Either people read it too quickly or they are choosing not to comprehend what they read correctly.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, you're no fun.


It's fun to think that all guys that have watched porn are pedophiles?

Wow.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Careful, you're projecting. I wasn't accusing. As I said, I was wondering if their stance would change. And, it appears it would. So, there goes the defense that a man can do whatever he wants in his own home and it's no one else's business.


I get the gist of your argument and agree.
If you have a guest in your home, it is creepy and weird to play pervert fantasies about them while verbally calling out their name.

Sure, you can do what you want to in your own home but making someone extremely uncomfortable or repulsed for your sexual gratification is boorish.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

hilariouslaughter said:


> It is completely clear. Either people read it too quickly or they are choosing not to comprehend what they read correctly.


I think we need clarification before we speculate further.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marduk said:


> It's fun to think that all guys that have watched porn are pedophiles?
> 
> And you're a moderator?
> 
> Wow.


Sense of humor alert! She posts a certain way and was trying to make a point while still having a couple laughs.

I believe she didn't give a good example but she was arguing against his home being an excuse for disgusting behavior towards a guest.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Marduk said:


> It's fun to think that all guys that have watched porn are pedophiles?
> 
> Wow.


WHAT? Where in the hell did you get that?

I think that some men see the word 'porn' and don't bother to read the original post all the way through. Instead, they think "To the ramparts! We must defend! Our freedom is at stake!". Porn - the builder of brotherhood.

Oh, yeah, where did you get the idea that I'm a moderator?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Marduk said:


> Should his wife expect privacy in a locked bathroom in her own home from both the husband and the pool boy? I would say yes.


Here's the thing. I've lived in my house for years. I _know_ the soundproofing is crap and I take that into account. So, no, I really don't expect much privacy when it comes to sound because there isn't much privacy for _anyone_ in my house due to the lack of soundproofing.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Here's the thing. I've lived in my house for years. I _know_ the soundproofing is crap and I take that into account. So, no, I really don't expect much privacy when it comes to sound because there isn't much privacy for _anyone_ in my house due to the lack of soundproofing.


That's a good point. It's reasonable to assume that a resident in the house may get up at some point in the night to go to the bathroom. Unless she was sneaking through the house with the goal of catching him, he can't really say that his privacy was violated. If he acted in a way that a person going about their normal business in the house busted him, it's on him for getting busted. He should have been in a more secluded part of the house or been quiet about what he was doing.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> But, but... it's his house. What he does in his house is his business and if other residents don't like it then they can get the hell out.


So you dont think that we should act with integrity towards other family members who may be either living there or visiting? I have 2 adult step sons, believe me its not appropriate that I watch porn and fantasise about them, even silently. 
I cant understand that mothers 'don't care' attitude towards her daughters concerns. Very selfish.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lila said:


> For the sake of discussion, I wonder how many men would be okay knowing that their wives have sexual fantasies starring their step sons? I also wonder how many step sons would feel okay knowing their step mom's watch porn and diddle to them?


Absolutely, just what I said in my post above. :|


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> So you dont think that we should act with integrity towards other family members who may be either living there or visiting? I have 2 adult step sons, believe me its not appropriate that I watch porn and fantasise about them, even silently.
> I cant understand that mothers 'don't care' attitude towards her daughters concerns. Very selfish.


Her post is sarcastic. She’s arguing exactly what you just wrote in her other posts.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marduk said:


> We're firmly stepping into thought police territory now.
> 
> I don't think you get to choose what - or who - turn you on. I do think you get to choose what you do about it.


Yep you definitely DO get to chose who you allow yourself to fantasise about:surprise: A family member is a complete no no.


----------



## hilariouslaughter (Jan 15, 2020)

Marduk said:


> hilariouslaughter said:
> 
> 
> > It is completely clear. Either people read it too quickly or they are choosing not to comprehend what they read correctly.
> ...


 Actually we don't. It is in black and white in her post.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

This highlights a serious problem with men and porn. What begins as a “harmless” release leads to addiction followed by greater and greater depravity just for novelty and excitement. Now the poor creep is fantasizing about family members... disgusting really. Yeah, porn really leads men astray. So sad... no one will trust him with their daughters- I wouldn’t. Daughters are too precious.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

And this is why i do all my private verbal fantasizing in a different language...

>


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cletus said:


> Oh man, I'm going to regret this, but what the hell.
> 
> The stepdaughter isn't a pre-pubescent 10 year old. She's 30. If her stepfather is fantasizing about her, it's one adult fantasizing about another adult to whom he is not related.
> 
> All of you stepmoms with teenage stepsons who find this nauseating? Don't ever ask for a sincere accounting of your stepson's fantasy life. You might not recover.


Why is a man who is related by marriage even letting himself fantasise about his own wife's daughter? Its completely wrong and inappropriate. Is he going to do the same when his granddaughter is in her teens? I am amazed that anyone thinks its ok. Some people act like we don't have a choice of who we fantasise about, we really do. 
As the mother, her responsibility is to protect her children and grandchildren. I would not trust him to be around them.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CatholicDad said:


> This highlights a serious problem with men and porn. What begins as a “harmless” release leads to addiction followed by greater and greater depravity just for novelty and excitement. Now the poor creep is fantasizing about family members... disgusting really. Yeah, porn really leads men astray. So sad... no one will trust him with their daughters- I wouldn’t. Daughters are too precious.


Nor me, mind you I wouldn't be with a man who watched porn anyway.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Her post is sarcastic. She’s arguing exactly what you just wrote in her other posts.


OK.Thanks.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

minimalME said:


> Unless he was _extraordinary_ loud, I really don't get how she was able to hear _and understand_ what was going on - unless she was eavesdropping.
> 
> Walking past a closed door in the morning? I'm just not buying that.


if the house was quiet I can quite understand how she could hear it.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marduk said:


> That’s my guess. Throw on some porn. Listen for a woman’s name.
> 
> You’ll probably have to listen for a while to hear one.
> 
> ...


Nothing here says she was making it up either and he did admit it.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm wondering if those employing the 'king of the castle' defense would be as vehement if the guy had called out the name of the one year old granddaughter.


Yes, or your 10 or 15 year old granddaughter.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> Sense of humor alert! She posts a certain way and was trying to make a point while still having a couple laughs.
> 
> I believe she didn't give a good example but she was arguing against his home being an excuse for disgusting behavior towards a guest.


I don’t think it was humourous and I don’t think it had anything to do with the stepdaughter because logically that makes no sense. She’s a 30 year old mother. 

I do think it had everything to do with porn and I do think it had everything to do with broad brushing men. 

I’ve been quite vocal on this forum about how broad brushing women is BS and I expect the same treatment about men. 

And about porn: for all you pearl clutching “porn is bad” folks, here’s how it gets used with us: sparingly, only when we’re together, and it’s my wife’s idea and pick 99% of the time. 

This may shock people, but many grown ups can use grown up stuff responsibly. 

And FFS the highest growth in porn use is women!

You guys are wild.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> Nothing here says she was making it up either and he did admit it.


Which is why I stopped speculating and asked for clarification.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marduk said:


> I don’t think it was humourous and I don’t think it had anything to do with the stepdaughter because logically that makes no sense. She’s a 30 year old mother.
> 
> I do think it had everything to do with porn and I do think it had everything to do with broad brushing men.
> 
> ...


I know her posts and happen to disagree with you on this one.:smile2:


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> "The 30 year old step-daughter happen to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and *overheard him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn.*"





hilariouslaughter said:


> It is completely clear. Either people read it too quickly or they are choosing not to comprehend what they read correctly.
> 
> It seems pretty clear to me.


Well, by the rules of grammar instilled in me by those nuns with a yardstick, it is at best ambiguous.

"Him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn" has the clause "using her name" modifying "perverted act", which is a fair possibility if he had the computer audio on.

For it to be as unambiguous as you say, the sentence should be constructed as 

"The 30 year old step-daughter happens to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and overheard him using her name while playing out a perverted act while watching porn."

Not that I think this was what the author implied, and I hate being a pedantic grammarian, but you are being quite strident over it.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well, it might be legal and within your rights to do something deranged and incredibly stupid but there are repercussions.

It is probably legal to eat your lawn mower in most states but you are not going to avoid repercussions for being a first class moron.

Same concept applies to whacking off to fantasies about your stepdaughter and especially being verbal about it.

The mother in this scenario must have a self evaluation and esteem on the level with regurgitated feces to stay with this mountain of dino poop or she is so desparate as to believe she doesn't have a choice.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Here's the thing. The pedophilia angle is a concern but even without having a 1 year old daughter living in the same house and now not knowing.

It's creepy even as the adult daughter. I think wilson's post best described it. And from a wife's perspective fantasizing about live people in the same house is not ok. Fantasizing about my daughter even if she didn't live in our house is not ok.

While the mother doesn't have to do anything the daughter asked. I don't think it is ever over the line for someone who is your flesh and blood and loves you, worries about you to have an opinion and express it to you. The daughter is now uncomfortable there is probably other problems as well and she voiced her opinion that mom should divorce the guy. 

Anyone who doesn't like can live somewhere else including mom (depends on whose house it actually is). 

Further the OP stated that he was caught in a perverted act. " The 30 year old step-daughter happen to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and *overheard him* playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn." Standard English the guy was using her name while playing out a perverted act. Grant you perhaps the OP didn't type what she meant. 

But as typed isn't about porn isn't about pedaphilia it's about inappropriate thoughts and actions directed toward the daughter. And no even if he wasn't saying it aloud having those thoughts about a live person who lives in your house is inappropriate.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Well, by the rules of grammar instilled in me by those nuns with a yardstick, it is at best ambiguous.
> 
> "Him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn" has the clause "using her name" modifying "perverted act", which is a fair possibility if he had the computer audio on.
> 
> ...


C'mon, Cletus. It is hard to take your grammar skills seriously when you can't even get the quotes sorted correctly.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I never knew that people verbalised while masturbating privately. As to calling out her name, it could certainly be a reference to the stepdaughter, although it could also be in reference to an ex, a friend or an acquaintance etc.

At the end of the day though it's his place, his mind and his body. So he can fantasise about anyone or anything he likes while masturbating. That said if his stepdaughter doesn't like him (which is understandable) or like that ('cause most probably don't want to hear that), she can pack her bags and leave.

As to his wife, if she accepts it or doesn't that's up to her, either choice is okay.

For some people (and this may apply to his wife) masturbation and looking at pornography is not frowned upon, and they don't care what people fantasise about sexually while conscious, or dream about sexually while unconscious, especially when such thoughts are not actually acted upon.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> C'mon, Cletus. It is hard to take your grammar skills seriously when you can't even get the quotes sorted correctly.


A refutation poor this is.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

* sigh *

Let me, yet again, quote the original post:



> Ok here is a situation.
> 
> A husband has a porn addiction. It's pretty perverted but it's all fantasy during that time. The 30 year old step-daughter happen to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and overheard him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn. She was utterly disgusted. The daughter is living with him and her mom, with her young daughter til she gets a job so all are living in the same house and this happens.
> 
> ...


I have quoted the ENTIRE POST so there is no taking anything out of context. 

What we know, from this post, is that the husband has a porn addiction. We can imply that husband acknowledges his porn addiction and that wife/mom also knows it's there and is working through it with him based on this: "...but the mom said she didn't like that this happend but they have been working thru it."

Next, the OP says:


> It's pretty perverted but it's all fantasy during that time.


We do not know what this exactly means. I don't think porn is particulary "perverted" (that isn't an adjective I'd use to describe it--I think I'd choose "graphic") but some people might think that straight, normal porn IS perverted. On the other hand, it could be something truly disgusting like golden showers or S&M...WE DON"T KNOW. What we DO know from "...it's all fantasy during that time" is that no matter what his kink may be, in his own home he sets aside time to do this activity, and he does not ACT on it but rather fantasizes about it. In other words, it's all in his head while he watches it on some screen. 

Now here comes the REALLY important sentence:


> The 30 year old step-daughter happen to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and overheard him playing out a perverted act* using her name while watching porn.*


How many of you have actually been to a porn site? It's fairly commonplace for a place to have a couple "regular" guys and gals in their movies, so you can pick out all of movies with "Angela" in it, and all you do is watch "Angela" in different scenarios: solo, with a girl, with a guy, with a couple girls, a gang bang...whatever. So if the step-daughter's name just so happened to also be "Angela", well the dude isn't thinking about HER. He's thinking about the regular girl from his brand of porn (and her fake name). It's also fairly commonplace to have a particular kind of kink, and have various videso OF that kink with titles like "Angela Loves Big Boobs" etc. Use your imagination. Again, the focus is on the kink (aka "Big Boobs") not on the fake name they add to the actress, and REALLY not on the step-daughter. 

NOTE that nowhere does it say that he was playing out the perverted act FANTASIZING ABOUT DOING IT WITH THE STEP-DAUGHTER. It says using her name while watching porn. 

So we can not make the leap that he was thinking of her, being creepy, etc. He was in his own home, it's his kink, his wife knows he likes it, they are working through it, and he did it at a time that he believed he'd have privacy. I mean, GEEZ for all we know, he likes to wear lingerie and while he was wearing a bra and panties he watched a cross-dressing porn with someone who had step-daughter's name. See what I mean? It may not be OUR cup of tea, and we may think "Ewww...cross-dressing" but there is no evidence to jump to the conclusion he was fantasizing about her. [And by the way, if he WAS, then I do agree that would be gross and crossing a line.]

A couple more, really important sentences:


> She was utterly disgusted. The daughter is living with him and her mom, with her young daughter til she gets a job so all are living in the same house and this happens.


Okay so step-D is 30yo and has a 1yo (the grand-daughter aka GD). At 30yo, she is an adult and personally responsible for herself, her food and shelter, her bills, and caring for her own child. The fact that her mom and mom's husband were kind enough to give her a place to stay does not mean it's "her house"--it means she is their guest. The mom and husband are the ones in a marriage relationship and in their marriage, they own the house and it is THEIR house. The step-D is not part of that marriage and is a guest in the home that mom and husband possess. It is legal for a person to have a strange kink in the privacy of their own home as long as they don't harm others or cause harm to someone else's property (like property damage). Again, we don't know what the kink is, but let's say is whacking off into high heel shoes! LOL I'm just saying, that's a little out there, right? Anyway, so where SHOULD a human being who gets sexually excited by high heel shoes express themselves sexually? IN THEIR OWN HOME, right? WITH THE KNOWLEDGE OF THEIR INTIMATE PARTNER, right? And further, he was doing it at night when everyone was asleep (or so he thought). So he's not out prowling around; he's not randomly hooking up with minors; he's not soliciting prostitutes...

The GUEST in his home was disgusted. The GUEST who was up late at night. The GUEST who isn't his intimate life partner. He knew he had this kink and was working through it. His wife knew he had this kink and was working through it. The people who owned the home knew he had this addiction and were addressing it together in a way they both agreed with. 

The next bit tells us what went down. After each think that was written by the OP and is not speculation or assumptions, I'll make my comment. 

1. The daughter went and told her mom out of disgust.
ME: Step-D is an adult and if she has an issue with another adult, why go complain to someone else? Why not take personal responsibility and go straight to the person she has a problem with? I get it--mom's and daughter's have a relationship--but step-D's issue isn't with mom, and she's just trying to put her mom into a position of having to take sides against her own husband. Frankly that step-D is not a friend of the marriage!

2. The mom confronted the husband and first he acted outraged and defensive because he felt like it's his house and he didn't think anyone was up. I think he was just embarrassed so he reacted.
ME: Okay so he's a human being and got defensive. What's your kink? If someone caught you at it red-handed and said it was DISGUSTING and you should be divorced over it, would you defend yourself? (shrug) Seems like a fairly typical reaction to me. Not honorable...but understandable.

3. The daughter got upset with the mom because she felt this is where she should draw the line and divorce him, but the mom said she didn't like that this happend but they have been working thru it.
ME: So the guest in the house is trying to drive the home owner out of his own home, because SHE was offended. She's trying to drive a wedge between the two intimate life partners who knew about his addiction and had reached an agreement on how to deal with it. Sounds to me as if the step-D is entitled and needs to learn how to grow up!

4. After everything calmed down, the husband did approach the daughter and apologized sincerely.
ME: So again, not jumping to conclusions because we don't know what the fantasy IS nor what the step-D's name is... husband was mature enough to understand how this would maybe shake up the step-D and reasonable enough to be the one *to go to her* and express regret for offending her. So he could calm down, stop being defensive, admit to himself the things that were on his side of the road, man up, take personal responsibility, go approach her, and attempt to make amends. Frankly, that sounds pretty reasonable to me. 

5. The daughter is just disgusted and doesn't want anything to do with him anymore so now they just don't speak and she won't even let her 1 year old daughter around him.
ME: Okay, she can be disgusted--that's her choice. She can also withhold her child because as the parent she's responsible for protecting the child. But if she wants to continue to live as a guest in husband's house, she has to accept that she doesn't make the rules and he's allowed to sexually express himself with his wife in his own home. I mean, that the morally acceptable way TO express yourself sexually--with your wife in your own home! 

6. The mother has pretty much backed away and let them work it out because she says she doesn't know what else to say about it.
ME: Personally I don't think mom should be involved. It's between step-D and husband, and they don't have to like each other. Mom is working through it with her husband. At no point to we have any inclination husband was fantasizing ABOUT step-D or pedophila or anything. It was just described as "perverted". What if it was bondage? What if it was getting aroused by teddy bears? Phone sex? My point is that those things are kind of "out there" and no one would want to envision their parents doing that...and yet consenting adults DO. The kids may not like it, but the parents are free to make their own choices AND live with the benefits and costs of those choices.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I really can't understand why we are having this conversation. 

I will call it as I see it:

Stepdad "Oh, Daphne! Let me tie you up, cover you in chocolate sauce, lick it all off of you and then let us indulge in acts of hedonistic carnal congress the likes of which have been unknown since the days of the Roman Empire!" Etc., etc., with several guttural sounds for good measure.

Next day: "Oh, Daphne, would you mind getting some chocolate sauce next time you go visit the store? We're all out, I think."

*The problem is that once a bell has been rung, it's not possible to unring it.*










She knows he fantasises about her. Fantasises about "playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn". So. What happens should he accidentally, of course, takes his fantasies a little nearer to realty? Or even a lot nearer to reality?

He might not, but why would she, why *should* she, take that risk?

Has pornography perverted his mind?

No! Not a bit of it! He is a pervert who has sought out certain types of specialised pornography *because* it feeds his perversion.

I know of someone who acted in a way similar to the stepdad described here. People were told: "Oh, it's only a harmless fantasy. Just ignore it!" 

*He is actually serving a life sentence for killing a woman (a friend of his) as part of his "harmless" fantasies.*

Stepdaughter can't take that risk. Because she has a baby daughter to bring up. 

Her mother doesn't mind her husband having fantasies of him performing perverted acts on or with her own daughter? That's, what? Problematic, perhaps?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

****ing A @Affaircare. I wish I could like this post a thousand times.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@Affaircare

You are making assumptions like the rest of us on many points.

If he was fantasizing about his daughter in law, who is not in a good situation while living in his home with her tiny daughter, he is a goddamned piece of ****.

If your take on it is more accurate, he is still a moron but less onerous.

OP, do you have any clarification on this point?

Was this weirdo fantasizing about his stepdaughter?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Affaircare said:


> * sigh *
> 
> 
> 
> ...




*applause*


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Elizabeth001 said:


> *applause*
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I'll reserve my own applause until we have confirmation from OP of what was meant in terms of the association of the step-daughter's name and the porn fantasy. It's amazing how much has been offered, argued against, defended... mostly because we're interpreting a few words so differently.

There are comments made here by users whose posts I actively seek for input due to their insight and ability to see what others miss. And those users are on opposite sides in this thread. Partly, I think, because of the ambiguity of a single sentence in the original post. Pretty amazing, but a lesson in assumptions of clarity by reasonable people. Or, as Saturday Night Live once put it, "You can't put too much water on a nuclear reactor." Which was followed up later with "You can't stare too long at a nuclear fireball."


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

Lila said:


> For the sake of discussion, I wonder how many men would be okay knowing that their wives have sexual fantasies starring their step sons? I also wonder how many step sons would feel okay knowing their step mom's watch porn and diddle to them?


I'm not a step-son, but I was once a teenage boy. How hard (and loudly) is she diddling, and am I, as her STEP-son? Invited"? She's not MY mom, after all, and my dad and mom have theoretically ****ed everything up anyway. Why not bang step-mom if she is willing? >

Hah.

Edit: No stepsons or stepdaughters. Just never underestimate the depravity of the human mind. SEE: YOUPORN searches for StepX.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

AandM said:


> I'm not a step-son, but I was once a teenage boy. How hard (and loudly) is she diddling, and am I, as her STEP-son? Invited"? She's not MY mom, after all, and my dad and mom have theoretically ****ed everything up anyway. Why not bang step-mom if she is willing?
> 
> Hah.
> 
> Edit: No stepsons or stepdaughters. Just never underestimate the depravity of the human mind. SEE: YOUPORN searches for StepX.


What if you're a typical 30 year old man with a 50+ year old typical step mother? Would that change the way you interact with her? Would it make you uncomfortable? 

In the OPs scenario, what is done is done. The step daughter cannot un-hear or un-see whatever it was she heard or saw. I don't know very many women who would be able to ignore what happened to make a "normal" relationship happen with the step dad. That relationship, and by extension the one with the mother, is forever damaged and that's the true travesty. At the very least, that's one less set of grand parents for the kid to be loved by.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator Notice:-*

OK, folks! We just had a member imply that the OP was a troll.

That's not cool, nor is it acceptable. 

There's a report button for a reason. Use it, but don't call members out as trolls in the threads. That leads to deletion of posts and worse, sometimes.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I think that when this thread got off the rails was when porn became the focus rather than the fact that a guy was using his step-daughter as spank material. 

Possibly the mother could check the sex offender registries and see if her husband is listed. If he isn't, her daughter might feel a little more safe and comfortable around him. And, the husband could always show the mother the porn he was watching so she can determine to what extent the fantasy involved her daughter.

The incident will most likely be rug-swept and the mother-daughter-granddaughter relationship will suffer.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It is hard to believe this post is only a day old. I have been reading while studiously not replying. The trouble in my mind is the definition of the term "perverted".
At one time it meant "having been corrupted or distorted from its original course, meaning, or state." But now reads like this "characterized by sexually abnormal and unacceptable practices or tendencies." but is often used to mean "sexual". And I could go on for pages, but at some point you have to pull back on the reigns and just answer the GD Question. So for convenience here is the question.


MZMEE said:


> -- snip --
> What kind of advise can I give all involved?
> -- snip --
> Any thoughts?


And here is what I would advise MZMEE. 
Don't get involved in a mess like this, this is one of those times where you say, " wow, that must be very hard for you. I'd sure hate for something like that to happen to me." Commiserate, don't get involved. Don't advise, don't label, don't shame. As we say out here in Dairy country when you see a pile of bovine excrement, don't step in it. 
To further explain, as has been clearly illustrated over 8 pages there is no advice you can give, in this situation, that you won't regret.
As to other thoughts, Since I am not catholic, and am more of a classicist, . . . . (never mind I decided I'd regret sharing that as well)


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> *Moderator Notice:-*
> 
> OK, folks! We just had a member imply that the OP was a troll.
> 
> ...


I do apologize to @MZMEE for that on my part. A poor choice of words, it wasn't intended to refer to MZMEE as as troll, just thread similarities to a hit and run post.

Kindly,

RR


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Soooooo much overthinking. 

Dude was watching porn. Ok. Fine. Dude was masturbating. Ok. Fine. 

Dude called out his step daughter's name while masturbating. Not ok. Not fine. Maybe next time wear a ball gag?

If step daughter doesn't like it (I wouldn't either) she is free to leave and live elsewhere.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

AandM said:


> I'm not a step-son, but I was once a teenage boy. How hard (and loudly) is she diddling, and am I, as her STEP-son? Invited"? She's not MY mom, after all, and my dad and mom have theoretically ****ed everything up anyway. Why not bang step-mom if she is willing? >


If the genders were reversed, I doubt if the outcome would be at all similar to what happened in the OP. It would not be surprising if the scenario you proposed is how it would go. But to be comparable to the OP, a guy probably needs to think of a situation that he would be repulsed by. Most guys would be somewhat ok with a woman fantasizing about him because of the way guys think about sex, even if that woman was his step-mother. But I think that the woman in the OP is similar to most women in that she finds that kind of situation repulsive in a generic sense. So for a guy, he needs to think of a situation he finds repulsive. For example, a straight guy hears his stepfather acting out a disgusting porn fantasy with him as the star. Most guys would be very repulsed and not be thinking anything close to "why not bang my step-dad".


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

As a parent, I always listened to the red flags that others generated and successfully protected our children because of it. I think the adult daughter should do the same. 

The OP doesn’t mention other red flags but if there is a problem this can’t be an isolated incident. Yes, I admit I’m reading into it but thoughts become words become actions become habits. 

Despite the circumstances of the adult daughter that has led her to be living with mom and step dad she should follow her gut right out the door. 

She’s probably using dear ole mom for free babysitting and can’t bear to give that up. Easier said than done right? But how disturbed is she that she still lives there? She has no right to interfere in her mother’s marriage unless the mother can’t think, or act independently. 

Advise for step dad: get professional help with addictions. Wife is no substitute for a therapist. 

Advise for mom: tell your daughter that you love her but she needs butt out of the marriage. Tell her to protect her children as she sees fit. 

Advise for step daughter: act on your gut and leave. You won’t regret it

I don’t think the relationship between daughter and step dad will ever recover but maybe in time she will see that he is reformed. Personally I’d never trust him.


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## hilariouslaughter (Jan 15, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> I really can't understand why we are having this conversation.
> 
> I will call it as I see it:
> 
> ...


Exactly. The ONLY reason to not get this is because one is creepily defensive about the right to porn anywhere, anytime, in any way.

BTW, I don't buy this "go on a site and pick a name" garbage fir a minute. We ALL know it was the stepdaughters name on purpose.


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## hilariouslaughter (Jan 15, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> * sigh *
> 
> Let me, yet again, quote the original post:
> 
> ...


This is very exhaustive.

I don't buy the whole "chose your spank girl's name" garbage. This whole post makes me cringe for women everywhere.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As a mother its my job to make sure that my children and grandchildren are not in a situation where they either feel really uncomfortable or unsafe. If I was married to this man I would also feel really uncomfortable about being with him and about him being in anyway alone with my daughter(s) and/or granddaughter(s). For those who think that its not for the mother to help sort out, I disagree completely, she bought this man into their lives so she is definitely partly responsible. There are so many cases where step fathers abuse step children and/or step grandchildren, I wouldn't trust him at all if he thinks its appropriate to act that way. 

Even if she moves out, the situation is still there unless they never meet again. The fact is that as long as he is around nothing will change, he thinks its ok to not only watch porn, but to use it to fantasise about a member of his own family and even worse, while she is in the house. If that mum looses her child and grandchild its down to her.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

pbj2016 said:


> As a parent, I always listened to the red flags that others generated and successfully protected our children because of it. I think the adult daughter should do the same.
> 
> The OP doesn’t mention other red flags but if there is a problem this can’t be an isolated incident. Yes, I admit I’m reading into it but thoughts become words become actions become habits.
> 
> ...


Technically we don't know they even have a relationship. It's very possible Mom married her current H in the last few years, even 5 to 10 yrs and if step daughter lived previously geographically distant maybe they've only met a few times until now.

And H never knew the SD before she was 25 to 30yrs old, which obviously means never as a child.

If the daughter and mother were estranged for many years maybe this is the first or near first time they met.

So far these types of details aren't known.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

Lila said:


> What if you're a typical 30 year old man with a 50+ year old typical step mother? Would that change the way you interact with her? Would it make you uncomfortable?
> 
> In the OPs scenario, what is done is done. The step daughter cannot un-hear or un-see whatever it was she heard or saw. I don't know very many women who would be able to ignore what happened to make a "normal" relationship happen with the step dad. That relationship, and by extension the one with the mother, is forever damaged and that's the true travesty. At the very least, that's one less set of grand parents for the kid to be loved by.


Depends on how hard up I am.:grin2:


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