# Sex after divorce



## hurting guy

Quick background. After a 29 year marriage, my wife revealed she is lesbian, and always had been. She kept it secret and buried until our kids were old enough to handle the news. Of course, she had an affair, and I experienced all the lies and betrayal, and rejection. Our sex life was mediocre during marriage. She was a virgin when we got married (I wasn't) and I knew within one month of our wedding that something was wrong. But we both just stuck it out. I always knew something was wrong sexually, and when she revealed her true sexual orientation, it answered all kinds of questions and odd things from our marriage.
Our divorce was amicable, no lawyers, and I take good financial care of her. She is with her partner and they are in love. The divorce has been final since July 2013. 
Here is my concern. I have been completely dominated in my thoughts and actions with getting sex. I would really like to be in a healthy relationship, but I just go from one partner to the next. Since the divorce was final, I have been laid 79 times with 15 different women. Yeah, at some point I decided I should try and figure it out just to see what I have really been doing. So I counted up what I could remember. Last weekend, I had a different woman Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. These are all women that I will date for a little while, enjoy some great sex with, and then move on. They are all very nice people, and I have broken a few hearts along the way because I will allow myself to get into a "mini-relationship." I have found that getting laid is extremely easy. I really enjoy the sex, and the companionship, but I am not allowing myself to get too close to anyone. Other than taking precautions for STD, should I be concerned that I am screwing up my recovery? I justify my actions in my head by telling myself that I was deprived of great sex for a long time, and the rejection I felt during the affair was intense, so it seems natural to want to get go out and get some. Please know, I do not lie or conceal anything with these ladies. I am upfront about my desire to not be in a long term thing right now, and it actually seems like that makes them more ready to hop in bed. But I feel like I might be setting myself up for a problem. Any advice? Am I worrying about nothing and in time, maybe a year or so after the divorce, I will settle down and actually try to develop a real relationship. Or will so much screwing around come back to hurt me emotionally. This is all new to me, so I am trying to figure out whether I really should change my pattern or not. Thanks in advance for your insights.


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## Fenix

Well, first I was going to say that you were a doll...until I got to the last part.  I don't know. That seems like a lot to me but I could be a bit old fashioned. I guess if you are honest and straightforward, it is up to the women to decide if you meet their needs.

How long ago was your divorce? Have you been to IC? I ask because finding out that your wife was a lesbian after investing 29 years in a marriage must have been a huge shock. I cannot imagine that there wouldn't be ramifications. Maybe you are trying to prove something to yourself?


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## lenzi

hurting guy said:


> Other than taking precautions for STD, should I be concerned that I am screwing up my recovery? I justify my actions in my head by telling myself that I was deprived of great sex for a long time, and the rejection I felt during the affair was intense, so it seems natural to want to get go out and get some.


Makes sense to me!


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## hurting guy

Yep, I did IC immediately after she told me everything. Called up and made an appointment the next day. Once she told me, it all made sense. But it was unbelievably hard, and I am still dealing with it in many ways. Because I couldn't change anything, I mainly tried to focus on helping my sons deal with it. I thought it was important for them to have a healthy relationship with her, so that's what I tried to encourage. The hardest part now is the loss of the family that we once knew.
Meanwhile, I have just been screwing around, probably as a way to deal with the pain and get some affirmation after all the rejection and shock. That is what I am thinking. But I worry that I might be making a mistake for my long term mental health. Don't really know what the experts would say. I guess I should go back to my IC and get her input. But just thought I would see what the good folks on TAM would say. People here helped me a lot a couple years ago when I was in denial over what was going on during the affair. The advice given me proved to be spot on and made a real difference for me. So, I am back.


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## Justadude

I have the exact opposite problem, my wife cheated on me and I just know I'm not ready to date again. Divorced in Sept, and I gave up on reconciling in May of last year. I guess we all do it differently, but I just can't muster up the inner reserve to get back in the game.


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## Wolf1974

hurting guy said:


> Quick background. After a 29 year marriage, my wife revealed she is lesbian, and always had been. She kept it secret and buried until our kids were old enough to handle the news. Of course, she had an affair, and I experienced all the lies and betrayal, and rejection. Our sex life was mediocre during marriage. She was a virgin when we got married (I wasn't) and I knew within one month of our wedding that something was wrong. But we both just stuck it out. I always knew something was wrong sexually, and when she revealed her true sexual orientation, it answered all kinds of questions and odd things from our marriage.
> Our divorce was amicable, no lawyers, and I take good financial care of her. She is with her partner and they are in love. The divorce has been final since July 2013.
> Here is my concern. I have been completely dominated in my thoughts and actions with getting sex. I would really like to be in a healthy relationship, but I just go from one partner to the next. Since the divorce was final, I have been laid 79 times with 15 different women. Yeah, at some point I decided I should try and figure it out just to see what I have really been doing. So I counted up what I could remember. Last weekend, I had a different woman Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. These are all women that I will date for a little while, enjoy some great sex with, and then move on. They are all very nice people, and I have broken a few hearts along the way because I will allow myself to get into a "mini-relationship." I have found that getting laid is extremely easy. I really enjoy the sex, and the companionship, but I am not allowing myself to get too close to anyone. Other than taking precautions for STD, should I be concerned that I am screwing up my recovery? I justify my actions in my head by telling myself that I was deprived of great sex for a long time, and the rejection I felt during the affair was intense, so it seems natural to want to get go out and get some. Please know, I do not lie or conceal anything with these ladies. I am upfront about my desire to not be in a long term thing right now, and it actually seems like that makes them more ready to hop in bed. But I feel like I might be setting myself up for a problem. Any advice? Am I worrying about nothing and in time, maybe a year or so after the divorce, I will settle down and actually try to develop a real relationship. Or will so much screwing around come back to hurt me emotionally. This is all new to me, so I am trying to figure out whether I really should change my pattern or not. Thanks in advance for your insights.


I had a similar experience. X wife left me for another guy though. When I was divorced I was in a lot of pain and thought I would just screw every woman I could till I felt better about myself. You are correct that finding willing partners is ridiculously easy. Especially with online dating. 

Then one morning I woke up in bed with a woman who's name I couldn't even remember. I had been drunk and didn't even know where I was really. I'm thinking this isn't me why am I doing this. I sought counseling soon after and stopped dating for about 4 months.


You had most of your adult life in a marriage that was a sham. I would suggest counseling and working on you for a bit. It was only after that I could work on a relationship


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## stillhoping

Yes, get IC. If a highly sexual relationship is what you are looking for, that can be found in a single relationship, not all these. My marriage ended after 28 years, I know how devastating that is.


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## COguy

It's probably a problem if you THINK it's a problem, know what I mean?

If you're thinking about it to the point where you actively go on a forum and post about it, maybe it's time to step back and reassess.

Sometimes we do things to keep the focus off ourself. Sex is fun but if you're filling up your life with women how much time are you really spending working out your issues? Hard to do that with a naked woman in your bed. Maybe that's where the nagging feeling is coming from. Listen to yourself, if you don't think it's right for you, don't try to justify it.


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## EnjoliWoman

:iagree: Yup.

I don't blame you for wanting some fun. But if it's starting to concern you, maybe you are using it as a diversion from your real feelings/issues. It could become a problem if you get to where you can't develop an emotional bond with a woman. 

A little IC wouldn't hurt - tune up the brain a bit. See where you are in healing and moving on. On the other hand, don't worry that you aren't ready for an emotional connection. It's really quite soon and normal to want to protect yourself a bit. Just not to the point you are afraid you might never be able to.


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## Married but Happy

OP, I think your pursuit of brief sexual relationships is a reaction to your ex discovering/revealing she's a lesbian and leaving you. You may just be compensating to assure yourself that you are attractive to heterosexual women. That's okay, but it probably isn't a good way to live the rest of your life!

I know of a similar scenario. A woman I dated briefly in high school married and had two kids, and after 24 years divorced her husband because she discovered that she was a lesbian. I remained friends with her and her husband all those years. He was shocked, too, of course. He quickly got back into the dating scene, but also quickly found a girlfriend whom he married a few years later. Similar situation, but a different response.

Anyway, IC is probably a good idea, and eventually - with or without it - I think you will find that you want a meaningful relationship with one woman and will use your current experiences to help you decide just what you want in a partner, and give you insight to help make an informed choice.


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## Fenix

hurting guy said:


> Yep, I did IC immediately after she told me everything. Called up and made an appointment the next day. Once she told me, it all made sense. But it was unbelievably hard, and I am still dealing with it in many ways. Because I couldn't change anything, I mainly tried to focus on helping my sons deal with it. I thought it was important for them to have a healthy relationship with her, so that's what I tried to encourage. The hardest part now is the loss of the family that we once knew.
> Meanwhile, I have just been screwing around, probably as a way to deal with the pain and get some affirmation after all the rejection and shock. That is what I am thinking. But I worry that I might be making a mistake for my long term mental health. Don't really know what the experts would say. I guess I should go back to my IC and get her input. But just thought I would see what the good folks on TAM would say. People here helped me a lot a couple years ago when I was in denial over what was going on during the affair. The advice given me proved to be spot on and made a real difference for me. So, I am back.


Well, additional IC, a touch base session, couldn't hurt. I would guess that the behavior will taper off. For now, use protection and don't lead anyone on. As long as you are honest, the women can take care of themselves.


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## lifeistooshort

I think you should go beyond telling these women you don't want anything long term and tell them you want hook ups. Because that is what you want. Causal sex with lots of women. That's fine, but you're hurting them by not being entirely straightforward about what you want.

As far as your recovery goes, if its working for you then great. I would think hard about whether what you're doing now is consistent with your values and who you are, because that's the only way I could see problems for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurting guy

Thanks everyone. Lots of good input. I think Colorado Guy got it nailed. I am thinking about the pattern I have been in, which means it probably is time to reassess.
I think what happened is after the divorce, I was seeking affirmation from heterosexual women, as a reaction to being married for so long to a lesbian. But now, I have had that affirmation. I know I am attractive to women, they enjoy sex with me, and come back for more. So, now my ego has been stroked and I feel fairly confident. 
From everything you all said, I decided to go ahead and reassess. There are two particular ladies that I am very attracted to. I think it is time to pick one of them, and focus for a while on being in a relationship with just one person. See what that feels like. Maybe it is time. If it is too soon, I will know it. If it feels right, I will know that too.
I will also go for an IC visit. Probably good for me. Thanks.


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## COguy

I'm glad that you are stepping back.

I would recommend that you might even want to back off dating or women entirely for a while. A relationship can substitute the same thing as sex, it can be a focus to keep us away from looking at ourselves.

To put it succinctly from Dadsdivorce.com, "Don't date when you are still hurt from your marriage, it hurts your red flag detector and that's how you end up with the nut jobs."

There's no rush to be right back in a relationship, figure your sh*t out first.


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## Rowan

COguy said:


> To put it succinctly from Dadsdivorce.com, "Don't date when you are still hurt from your marriage, *it hurts your red flag detector and that's how you end up with the nut jobs*."
> 
> There's no rush to be right back in a relationship, figure your sh*t out first.


:iagree:

I know I'm not in good enough shape emotionally to be able to be objective about a new guy. Anything even approaching normal would probably excite me to the point of overlooking some things that I shouldn't overlook. So, after spending years married to Sir Save-a-ho, I'm not dating right now in order to give my red flag detector some time to recalibrate.


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## Fenix

Rowan said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I know I'm not in good enough shape emotionally to be able to be objective about a new guy. Anything even approaching normal would probably excite me to the point of overlooking some things that I shouldn't overlook. So, after spending years married to* Sir Save-a-ho*, I'm not dating right now in order to give my red flag detector some time to recalibrate.


:rofl:


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## Hardtohandle

OP, just be careful that you don't fall into the trap of only enjoying the honeymoon stage of a relationship and then looking elsewhere when you feel the relationship fizzled out.. 

A friend of mine did that. He dated 100's of woman, but he couldn't keep one longer then 3 months.. 

Funny thing is if you dated one woman you might get laid even more. I see the current G.F. about 5 nights a week and I get just about every night.. Been dating 6 months.. So even at 4 nights a week.. 4x4 (weeks in a month)=16. 16x a month X 6 months = 96 times. 

Plus I think it gets better as times goes by, for me at least. 

Just something to think about. Either way isn't wrong. Until you meet that crazy woman.


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## LBHmidwest

It's all fun until you meet this one. The pre Fatal Attraction movie...

Play Misty for Me...

PLAY MISTY FOR ME - YouTube


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## SteveK

stillhoping said:


> Yes, get IC. If a highly sexual relationship is what you are looking for, that can be found in a single relationship, not all these. My marriage ended after 28 years, I know how devastating that is.


My wife of 28 years just walked out into the arms of her EA and it became PA. How did you cope? I still believe she will come back but I don't know..


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## indiecat

Sex can be used just like alcohol or drugs to self medicate the pain of divorce. And to boost the self esteem.

The women may 'say' they are ok with casual sex, but for most women sex is a bonding experience, I find it very hard to believe that the majority of these women are not hurt when they don't get a call back.
You just aren't seeing the pain they feel, and they are too proud to show it, and you are not around long enough to see it.


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## SteveK

indiecat said:


> Sex can be used just like alcohol or drugs to self medicate the pain of divorce. And to boost the self esteem.
> 
> The women may 'say' they are ok with casual sex, but for most women sex is a bonding experience, I find it very hard to believe that the majority of these women are not hurt when they don't get a call back.
> You just aren't seeing the pain they feel, and they are too proud to show it, and you are not around long enough to see it.


I agree that's why I know that on Feb 12 when my wife gave of herself physically to her EAP she was essentially done with the marriage. She had high morals until this affair started. she was completely manipulated by this OM even though she says she started it...He gave her the signals because he noticed our interactions etc..and she was physically appealing to him and boom..she bit the bait...then almost two years later the PA and then the letter asking me for divorce....Guess what know shes acting lost and confused WTF!!


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## indiecat

She started it?. Well then I don't think she was completely manipulated. She only thinks the grass if greener.


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## firebelly1

indiecat said:


> Sex can be used just like alcohol or drugs to self medicate the pain of divorce. And to boost the self esteem.
> 
> The women may 'say' they are ok with casual sex, but for most women sex is a bonding experience, I find it very hard to believe that the majority of these women are not hurt when they don't get a call back.
> You just aren't seeing the pain they feel, and they are too proud to show it, and you are not around long enough to see it.


I don't agree. You're painting a broad brush. Since my divorce I've been doing what OP is doing, I'm a woman, and I am very clear (and ok) with just hook-ups without too much emotion. As long as everyone is clear that that's what's going on, we women can deal.


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## Media_girl24

I did the same thing as my marriage was ending. (I'm female, BTW) It seemed like the pain of what I was going through was easier to manage if I had something else to think about (in this case, getting laid). I'm not sure it was the healthiest thing, and I do feel a little icky about it when I think about that time, but I was careful (in terms of using protection) and I did have fun. I've had the best sex of my life post-marriage, which has been an unexpected silver lining!


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## Chuck71

After being married for many years and becoming D... I had to look at sex

in a whole new perspective. My thoughts on it, of course changed from 25 to 40

but I always had a fondness of women 35-45...did at 21, still do now at 41

first time having sex with someone other than X....weird...very reflective

some say in a near death experience your entire life flashes before your eyes

my first time, it seemed every girl I had ever been with flashed before mine

glad to say that was a one time flash


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