# Need advice on how to leave a narcassit



## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Okay I am NOT back with my husband but he wants back. He says all the right things but does all the wrong things. One good new skill you learn after you have been cheated on is you can spot a lie in seconds. Last night our child was sick, it was obviously something he ate so I was trying to get hold of him cause he had fed him. He would not answer his phone but he could text...suspicious. When he finally called later he said he was out with friends, I said rather innocently who were you with. He got defensive so I know he was hiding something. So I did something I had not done since January, I logged in and looked at his text messages. There was one there ironically from about the same time he left his friends from the girl he had his second "affair" with (we were separated but in counselling trying for reconciliation) it said:
Her: You know I want to send you whatever 
Him: I realize that....👍
Her: Thank you... have a good night 😊
Her: I want you ... Feels like I can't have you 😢 

So I asked him outright was she one of the friends that was there. He wouldn't answer directly went in circles. So then I said okay here is a yes or no answer. Are you texting her still? He said no.

Crappy part is were about to leave for a family vacation in 5 days. I cancelled so he is furious. He doesn't know I can still see his text messages so he would be even more mad if he knew that. 

I know this is my fault for letting him near me again. But for all those dealing with a narcissist it is hard to get it out. They are like a drug addiction. I just can't seem to break free. 

I can tell you one piece of advice a narcissist can never change, they may not all be cheaters but they are all liars, selfish and unfeeling humans that will never take ownership or accountability for anything. If you are just starting out with a man or woman like this run as fast as you can cause they can not change. The longer you are in the harder it is to get out.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, what actions are you taking on moving on, did you build a support system around you to help you avoid him, and did you seek therapy to help yourself as of yet?

There is something about him that you find appealing, and possibly there is some trait due to his narcissism that makes you admire him. Hence, seek help for yourself. Slowly changing you could be the key in setting yourself free. Also, keep conversations to bare minimal and do it through text. His voice will trigger thoughts and memories about him. If you were an alcoholic, it would not be wise to smell the alcohol.


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## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

I am passing along some info which was given to me...

Check out the Out of the Fog website and the Narcissists Suck website for information on how to leave.

I am so sorry you are in that situation and I wish you the best of luck.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just leave.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I have left. We don't live together but he can drag me back, he can be charming when needed, he plays to my insecurities. He can be scary and violent and sweet and charming. It is a horrible cycle and if we didn't have kids together I would just get up and hide. One friend said I should let him date this girl and don't say anything. But she is a recovering drug addict in AA and I am worried about her in my Children's life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

180 180 180 180 180

Learn it, live it, love it.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

jelly_bean said:


> I have left. We don't live together but he can drag me back, he can be charming when needed, he plays to my insecurities. He can be scary and violent and sweet and charming. It is a horrible cycle and if we didn't have kids together I would just get up and hide. One friend said I should let him date this girl and don't say anything. But she is a recovering drug addict in AA and I am worried about her in my Children's life.



You should be just as if not more worried about HIM in your/your children's lives. At least the OW is a recovering addict, he is going to be a toxic narcissist forever. You need to look at that statement "let him date"! He is a grown man, accept you can't control him. 

Read "Codependent No More" Melodie Beatty, are you in IC?


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Well, this explains why you were so negative last year when I was dating someone before my divorce was final....

Hope you find a way to get past him altogether. You deserve better.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> I have left. We don't live together but he can drag me back, he can be charming when needed, he plays to my insecurities. He can be scary and violent and sweet and charming. It is a horrible cycle and if we didn't have kids together I would just get up and hide. One friend said I should let him date this girl and don't say anything. But she is a recovering drug addict in AA and I am worried about her in my Children's life.


You can't realistically expect to have any sort of control over any aspect of his personal life for as long as you're looking to excise yourself from it.

Step back, stop communicating w/ him about anything that doesn't _directly_ involve the kids, their health, or their schedules, and leave him to do whatever or whoever it is that he wants to do. Just be sure to take yourself out of that particular rotation, and be prepared to roll w/ the punches (figuratively speaking, of course) and pick up the slack when he drops the ball.

Unfair? Yes, absolutely. But, given all the very unflattering ways in which you've described him, it's probably pretty realistic.

Sorry.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Yeah let him date is the wrong wording. Accepting him dating is better. Don't react even if it is a person I am worried about. I think he uses other women to pull me back in. I have to stop that cycle.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> You can't realistically expect to have any sort of control over any aspect of his personal life for as long as you're looking to excise yourself from it.
> 
> Step back, stop communicating w/ him about anything that doesn't _directly_ involve the kids, their health, or their schedules, and leave him to do whatever or whoever it is that he wants to do. Just be sure to take yourself out of that particular rotation, and be prepared to roll w/ the punches (figuratively speaking, of course) and pick up the slack when he drops the ball.
> 
> ...


Thanks great advice. Now I just need to get out of the business we own together on top of the kids. Our lives are to entangled that is my issue.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

Narcissist are very hard to get away from. They will suck you back in without you even realizing it. You have to just do it! I was separated from my soon to be ex in November 2013 for a week. Then again in starting September 2014 for 4 months. We are now separated again, but this time for good. I just had to finally realize that I was worth more than the lies and manipulations.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

@EnjoliWoman might be able to help


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BTW, did you ever expose OW's affairs to her husband?


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

No I have enough drama in my life already.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I think you need to go dark on him. Tell him you have decided that in order to heal you cannot be in contact with him. Then do not have any direct contact with him. Don't answer the phone or text for him. Find a friend or relative with a backbone to act as your intermediary and insist all communication go through that person. If he tries to communicate anything unnecessary with you, tell the intermediary to simply not deliver the message to you. When he picks up/drops off the kids, don't be at the door. (Assuming they're old enough to go to the door by themselves.)

He can't manipulate you if he can't talk to you. It will probably be like kicking a drug but once you are clear of him for some time, he won't be able to play on your insecurities. And one day you will wake up and say - "what on earth did I see in him ever? Free at last, free at last, oh thank God I'm free at last!"


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

jelly_bean said:


> Okay I am NOT back with my husband but he wants back. He says all the right things but does all the wrong things. One good new skill you learn after you have been cheated on is you can spot a lie in seconds. Last night our child was sick, it was obviously something he ate so I was trying to get hold of him cause he had fed him. He would not answer his phone but he could text...suspicious. When he finally called later he said he was out with friends, I said rather innocently who were you with. He got defensive so I know he was hiding something. So I did something I had not done since January, I logged in and looked at his text messages. There was one there ironically from about the same time he left his friends from the girl he had his second "affair" with (we were separated but in counselling trying for reconciliation) it said:
> Her: You know I want to send you whatever
> Him: I realize that....👍
> Her: Thank you... have a good night 😊
> ...


Let me give you a few pointers and a bit of harsh reality. 
*
DO NOT ENGAGE. * Keep your conversations about your child or anything regarding personal business that you have to. Repeat to yourself and memorize this phrase any time you are talking/texting/emailing and he drags you into some emotional ploy (negative or positive) "If we are done discussing/can't calmly discuss [topic], then I'm going to go/hang up now." And mean it. Hang up, even if he's mid-sentence. If you are texting or emailing, turn off your notifications and do something soothing for a bit - step outside, go get some water - whatever. 

Also, do not reply to any messages that aren't pertinent to the business you share. Ever. Eventually he will stop trying to suck you in. And every reply you write, read it three times and see what else you can delete. If it isn't absolutely necessary and pertinent to the reason for contact, delete it.

*HIS LIFE IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS ANYMORE. * There is no "innocently ask" here. You wanted to know and were taking an approach you thought was innocent. It's none of your business. Period. He could have an orgy, five girls texting and a gay fling and as long as it doesn't happen on his parenting time, fahgedaboutit. In fact, I'm not sure why you needed to know what he ate unless you are concerned about a food allergy. If he's sick, he just is. Protocol is the same either way. 

*NO CYBER-SPYING.* That includes text messages. I don't know how you access them but you are keeping that link between you. Can you purposefully try a wrong password until you are locked out? Or tell him you were hacked and to reset? Anything to keep you from feeling weak and caving to the temptation.
*
HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU.* He never will, he never did. He can't. He is irreversibly damaged. He will use you and will lie and manipulate you/your emotions to accommodate his needs. If you make him look good, he will use you for that. If you anger him or challenge him, he will use you as a punching bag (physically or verbally) and then manipulate you into crying or apologizing to fill his need for attention.

He only wants you back because he thinks he'll look like a failure or a bad father (not because of love), or because he isn't getting enough attention from other sources. Or maybe because it looks bad to his boss, his pastor, his parents... or maybe because he doesn't want to pay child support, or because he doesn't want to move... you name it, it's not because he loves you. Look hard at his life and who would judge him and how it would inconvenience him. Then remind yourself those are the reasons he wants you back. It's not love.

Now is the time to focus on self love. It's the time to fully distract yourself so you can't think about him. In time, you won't be vulnerable to his whines and cries. It was a good move to not go on vacation. He would have weakened your resolve and fake promises and shortly after SDDD.

Hugs.  You are better than this. You are worth more than tidbits of false promise. So is your son. You cannot subject him to a full-time life with this guy. Eventually the criticism and moods swings will be targeted to your son. He will woo your son just like he wooed you - reel in with praise, love bombing and false promises and the minute your son calls him out on it ("but you promised we'd go, Dad") he will react in anger and hurtful words. If you can't keep away for you, do it for him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Does your husband love you, or not?

WHO CARES??

If he loves you lots and lots, yet still treats you as badly as he does, his love is utterly worthless to you and your children.

_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Definitely build up your support system. In order to get away from my N ex of eight years was befriending his sister who absolutely cannot stand him and all the crap he puts women through. From his sister (who I'm no longer friends with) I learned things about my ex that completely turned me off, but it took almost a year of being her friend to release myself from him and his toxic cycle. From time to time I still hurt and want to go back to him. I think it's just side effects from the addiction going on for as many years as it did. 

All I can say is it will be hard and whoever is in your corner has to understand the psychological trauma narcissists put onto their victims.


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## scout76 (Jul 2, 2015)

I want to know how you logged in and read his test messages.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

scout76 said:


> I want to know how you logged in and read his test messages.


Our cell company has a web portal that you can send and receive text messages from. I just registered his phone and I can see everything. 

That being said it is now like another form of addiction. I can see him text and lie to my face over and over. I need to find a way to disable it now.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Read EnjoliWoman's post. Read it again. And again. No truer words and better advice about detaching from a narcissist have ever been written.

Included are ways to force disabling your access to the textual poison that is his ongoing affair.


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> 180 180 180 180 180
> 
> Learn it, live it, love it.


The only 180 you need to do on a narcissist is to turn and get the he!! out of there for good and don't look back.

Following is an excerpt of a post I sent another member considering the same thing. Posted from someone who lived with a narcissist for 20 years in my first marriage before finally pulling the plug...which was the happiest day of my life in that toxic marriage.

_First, you have spent many years invested in this relationship. So, you really need to think long and hard about how good or bad that relationship has been and what the prospects for it going forward. If you've invested most (if not all) of your emotional energy to improving your relationship in those years and it has only gotten worse and not better, the likelihood of it getting better in the future is quite remote. Are you willing to continue with the status quo or the likelihood of a poorer relationship for the next however many years? Again, this was me in my first marriage. I'd put everything that I knew how into it and just didn't have anything left to give. The future did not look good and I finally pulled the plug on it after almost 20 years of marriage. It was the best thing for both of us (in hindsight) because we had become so toxic for each other. She's happier, I'm happier and our kids are happier as a result.

Second, you need to evaluate the impact of your relationship on your children. If your relationship is toxic, it will also be toxic to your children. That's the hardest part to wrap your head around (at least it was for me). I thought that if I broke up the marriage that it would also break the children. But, kids are much more resilient than adults and (while there were many bumps along the way) they rebounded well.

Third, you need to understand the basic issue of a narcissist. They use an air of superiority to mask their real issue which is lack of self-esteem and self-worth. They put others down in order to elevate themselves (in their own estimation). It most often manifests itself from their own childhood and very rarely can be overcome. They need to feel important and the center of attention. They achieve the self-centeredness through angry outbursts, manipulation, emotional blackmail, and other acts which make them appear to be the victim of some sort (and often-times you are made to feel the aggressor). They are generally bitter and can never feel true happiness or contentment (they are most happy at the expense of others). The bottom line is that they are self-centered and incredibly selfish. I was unfortunately married to one just like that and always was afraid of when the next proverbial "shoe would fall" and felt like I was "walking on eggshells" trying not to upset her. It was an awful existence.

Fourth, your spouse will feel remorse whenever he feels that you've been pushed too far. But, the remorse is often short-lived and appears hollow and somewhat caddy (because it generally is). The narcissist cannot feel remorse for very long without becoming a victim of the problem themselves. That's the vicious cycle that they live within and bring you along for the ride.

Fifth, back to the kids. A narcissistic personality can have devastating effects on children of all ages. I'm sure that your spouse is a loving father. But, those awful traits will manifest themselves in your kids. You can only do so much to dilute those effects. My two children have both struggled with those issues in their now young adult lives. I can only imagine how poorly capable they would have become if exposed constantly to those examples their entire childhoods. Not that my ex isn't a good mother (or your spouse a good father), but they use the children to glorify themselves. Sports, school events, church activities, you name it, they push the kids to excel at the expense of the kids (who likely will not even like whatever it is they are pushed to do). But, it's not about the kids, really, but about them and their feeling of superiority through your own children. They will go to great length to keep the kids from failure. They never understand that failure can be a very good thing and something that must be experienced in order to succeed in life. If left too long the effect will be that the kids feel entitled and look down on others just like the parent. They won't experience failure and will always blame others when they do. Mine went through that and I spent several years reprogramming them to understand that they were not entitled or any better than anyone else, and that they must accept responsibility for their own failings and actions._

Bottom line is that a narcissist cannot get over themselves and cannot admit fault in themselves or the damage they bring to a relationship. It's just not in them. So, quit beating yourself up over him and get out to begin your life of bliss.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jelly_bean said:


> Okay I am NOT back with my husband but he wants back. He says all the right things but does all the wrong things.
> 
> So I asked him outright was she one of the friends that was there.
> 
> I know this is my fault for letting him near me again. But for all those dealing with a narcissist it is hard to get it out. They are like a drug addiction. I just can't seem to break free.


No, it's your fault for ASKING him about A WOMAN when you are clearly broken up.

HOLD out your hand so I can slap it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jelly_bean said:


> One friend said I should let him date this girl and don't say anything. But she is a recovering drug addict in AA and I am worried about her in my Children's life.


Oh bullshyte. You're not worried about her in your kids' lives. You just don't want another woman with your man. Even though you gave him away. AS YOU SHOULD HAVE!

At least be honest with yourself.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

jelly_bean said:


> I know this is my fault for letting him near me again. But for all those dealing with a narcissist it is hard to get it out. They are like a drug addiction. I just can't seem to break free.
> .


Hi Jelly
I am not going to give you a hard time. It is hard letting go of a narc. You know it and I know it. Twenty five years in. Fifth year out.

The only thing he wants off you is for you to not be over him.

While you are wondering, checking, thinking about him. He is still in control and loving it. 

Total silence when you have anything shared with them does not work because they can control the shared thing.

Allow yourself to admit that it hurts and it will continue to hurt for ever. That sounds dreadful but really it is liberating. 

This year for the first time it has been quiet. Not because I made any big decisions but because my kid lives with me. We live in a house with secure locks on the other side of the city. I don't talk to her. Don't answer her texts even in one of her manufactured emergencies 

Even with all the crappy ****ty abuse she hurled and abhorrent behaviours. I still "love" her. . I allow the stupid, irrational feeling to live inside me and I know that it is stupid and irrational and I will never act on it. Maybe one day it will end. I do hope so.

I allow that as part of my recovery and it may not be the best way to live but it makes it easier for me to reconcile all those bizarre destructive thoughts I have. 

She texted me a couple of weeks ago. Some stupid ambiguous text with no meaning and I deleted off my phone but it meant she was reaching out yet again. Did it mean that she had recovered, could see the love she threw away?

No. It meant that for that 40 seconds while she texted me she wanted me. She wanted the life she had. After those 40 seconds of genuine remorse and empathy she would move on like it never happened.

And we are left again waiting for their love. Waiting for those moments where we knew that our feelings were not wasted. Where we were validated and all our love was returned. Like a cigarette though it is never quiet satisfying.

Go easy on yourself my friend. Remember that non of it is real. Intercepting the texts would have helped you see that. Now is the time to stop doing that and accept that he lies all the time. 

I hope that the family vacation did not include him?


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

I watched my wife go NC with her textbook narcissist mother 5 years ago. Everything in her life, and by extension through our marriage, my life has been getting better since.

I understand that the children make it seriously difficult but you've received some incredibly good advice here on how to move forward. 

It's a tough gig, but it's doable.

You can do it. 

You have to do it.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

turnera said:


> No, it's your fault for ASKING him about A WOMAN when you are clearly broken up.
> 
> HOLD out your hand so I can slap it.


Actually we were back in counselling to discuss our options for reconciliation. And had made a commitment that we would not date until we made our decision and if we want to start dating it meant no reconciliation.

So I did have the right to ask but he said it wasn't a date he was just hanging out with a friend that he happened to sleep with while we were married.

After that I knew there was no future, no chance, no need to work at it, and no need keep him in my life.

I unfriended him from Facebook, I stopped reading his texts, I hired a lawyer. No looking back now. Just need to settle the business and I can start my only talk to me about the kids.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

ing said:


> Hi Jelly
> I am not going to give you a hard time. It is hard letting go of a narc. You know it and I know it. Twenty five years in. Fifth year out.
> 
> The only thing he wants off you is for you to not be over him.
> ...


Great advice...thanks so much! Yes the family vacation time was to include him that is why I changed my ticket and am only going to meet him to pick up the kids and start my family vacation with just the kids. It was the first time I have ever stood up to him to really. And it was scary but I know I made the right choice. I can't explain it but I think now that I have had a year to recover from the affair I am not in as much of a fog and now that I can see clearly I just knew it was time. Now his panic is setting in and he is wanting me. But your post is what I needed. He doesn't want me he needs somebody, anybody really. He can't and won't change. And once he has his next victim I won't even hear from him.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

jelly_bean said:


> He can't and won't change.


What you say here is the core of it. 

He won't change because he *CANNOT* change. There is no fixing him. 

You won't want to believe it because you are an empathic person.

He has absolutely no understanding of empathy, but he is a judo master in using the weight of your own empathy against you.

Interacting in any way (beyond the bare minimum re the children) is enabling.


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