# Wife and I Unsure Which Direction to Go



## oklahoma1701 (Dec 19, 2011)

Forgive the long post...

My wife and I have been separated for a little over 3 months. During the initial couple weeks, it was a lot of shock and confusion on my part. Sure, I knew we weren't doing great, but I never thought that we'd hit that point. Since that time, things have over time, settled down. 

We never really fought during our marriage. We never really fought much during the separation either. We've come to agreements on things like custody/visitation, division of assets, etc. Almost immediately after the separation, we agreed to begin working with a divorce mediator. I reluctantly did so, because I didn't like the idea of us trying to reconcile and head for divorce at the same time. Her argument was that we might get ugly later and she wanted to make sure we agreed to things before it turned that way. (That made me suspicious)

I found out a little later that she had cheated on me. I was devastated for a while. Then, after a lot of reflection on the subject and the circumstances that led her to that place, I confronted her. She was shocked/embarrassed/guilt-stricken and she told me that we could never reconcile. I told her that had forgiven her and we continued to talk.

I didn't understand it at the time, but I was pressuring her a bunch to come back home. And, my impatience led me to confront her and end our reconciliation talks so that I could clear my head and accept that we were done. I could never get anything out of her that led me to believe that we might reconcile.

I ended up dating somebody for a few weeks after that, and once she found out about it, she finally started to show signs that she still cared. I have since broken off all ties with the other lady in favor of trying with my wife.

Since then, we started meeting for lunch multiple times a week and having good conversation, some of these talking about what she was doing in therapy, etc. We even went out a couple times for some fun daytime dates (bowling/shooting pool/lunch). It showed that we are still capable of having a good time together.

Anyway, fast forward to Thanksgiving. We spent the holiday itself apart, but we took our kids and took a trip to Branson together as a family, each of us sleeping in a bed with one of the kids). It was nice to be under the same roof again. I actually got some great sleep that night. It was a fun trip overall.

We started talking about spending Christmas together. (She has our kids on Christmas morning) This past week, we attended my company Christmas party as a family, her Company Christmas party, her family's Christmas celebration on Saturday, and another Christmas gettogether. Basically, we more or less spent every day last week together in one form or another. 

We aren't 'dating' at this point, but we have agreed to take the divorce off the table until we know for sure if one or both of us wants to go that way. I am going to start seeing her therapist in early January and we are supposed to see her together shortly after that. 

What I want to ask is... do you think she's only having us be together for the holidays as nostalgia? Or do you think she is reconsidering the idea of us getting back together at some point? We have an open-ended separation right now. Trying to let both of us grow and heal and see if ultimately we can be together again. I just can't help but wonder if when the holidays end, we will be back on the road to divorce.

I am a changed man. I know where my half of things went wrong and I never want to be there again. I don't know if she can get past the past though and look forward to a future with the man that she married only better.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I would think you`re doing well considering the problems.

This is the key for me to be able to say that.



> I ended up dating somebody for a few weeks after that, and once she found out about it, she finally started to show signs that she still cared.


It would appear that like many people (women in particular) your interest in another female forced her to truly consider where your relationship was heading and she got off the roller coaster when she realized she was really going to lose you.

Give her a shot if you can.


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## oklahoma1701 (Dec 19, 2011)

I've had to adopt the attitude that there is no wrong answer to this situation. Either I will be happy with her or I will be happy without her. I can't make the decision to reconcile on my own. I just know that if we get back together, we will make it work. We have communicated better during the 12 weeks of separation than during the entire 9 years of our relationship. I told her that I trust her to make good decisions from this point forward during the separation. I don't want her meeting other guys, but I can accept that she will/does. I don't really want to date anybody else again, but I fear that if she does and I don't then she is going to forget she still has these feelings. And, my patience isn't exactly well developed. So, this has been an exercise...


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I have a similiar thing happening and wondering if the holidays are the reason or she is coming around. She left six weeks ago and has shown an interest just this past weekend to spend more time. Plus she called today to propose spending Christmas eve together (not over night sadly), but Church, Dinner, Movie and gift exchange. 

I am hoping this has more to do with long term change than just for the holidays.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I wish us both well and more than just a seasonal fix to the marriage!


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## oklahoma1701 (Dec 19, 2011)

Agreed, 'This_is_me'. Maybe a Christmas miracle! My wife and I are exchanging gifts. I didn't get her anything fancy, given the separation. I had to be practical this year and I didn't want to get her something that would guilt her into anything. I want her to come back because she wants to, no other reason. I'd rather her be happy someplace else than by miserable with me, you know?


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Love your guys faith in the season!

Suppose to go to her grandma's house with the kids, she's been gone for 9 weeks with the OM. Grandma's says "It's an open holiday". I say, "If she shows up with the OM, I'm outta here!" 

Don't think she will show either way, personally.

I sent her Kindle back through Amazon after I found out about the OM. I can find a rock in the yard to wrap if necessary!


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## oklahoma1701 (Dec 19, 2011)

That stinks, hurtingsobad...


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## oklahoma1701 (Dec 19, 2011)

My wife was acting all depressed yesterday. I asked her what the trouble was and she said that her 17 yo daughter might have to have her ovary removed. I want to be there for them both, but given the separation, I'm trying to find the right balance of showing concern without smothering the situation. I have to take her the car tag today, and I thought I might ask her if she wants to get out of the house to shoot some pool or go to dinner. Anybody think this would be a bad idea? My thought is, we shoot pool and she can get anything out that she needs to without moping and being depressed alone at her place.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Considering the circumstances, I'd just express your best wishes for her and the child, and then stay out. She left, not you. Remember that. If she wants back, she needs to do the heavy lifting.


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## oklahoma1701 (Dec 19, 2011)

I hear you, Dadof3... And I really try to back off and let her be, but I can't help wanting to be there for her. I understand that part of the reason that she left in the first place was the fact that often I wasn't there for her when she needed me. The epiphany of reflecting on my life after she left was basically what I need to do to show that things will be better. To be semi-cold and leave her be just doesn't feel right. I know. I'm an idiot...


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

She cheated on you and left you. Man up!


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## oklahoma1701 (Dec 19, 2011)

So abandon the marriage because of a kiss? Believe me, zsu234, I am perfectly capable of moving on with somebody else. I have full confidence in that. I just don't want to end my marriage with the person I said 'for better or worse' to... If she and I try at reconciling and it doesn't work, I'm ready to 'man up' as you put it. But, for now, I want to try.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Oklahoma,

You may be addicted to her. I know that sounds stupid, but I was addicted to my STBXW.

Google "Signs of an addictive relationship" and see if it applies.

Just a thought....

Take care man!


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## oklahoma1701 (Dec 19, 2011)

Its weird... Since the separation, I've settled back into my bachelor habits of keeping the house clean, cooking, etc. I know for a fact that I don't NEED anybody else to be happy. That's why I don't think I'm addicted to her. I do miss her companionship though. And I miss sex! lol


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## StrongerNow (Jan 11, 2012)

Don't listen to haters. If your secure there is not a thing wrong with working to keep your family together,

I'm going through a very similar situation with my husband and just came back to these boards after many years of desperate threads.

Good Luck to you both!


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## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

I am separated too, and I am happy I have nice townhouse. I decided if she decided to comeback fine, if not I will find somebody else. What I cannot get rid off is guilt. I always think why we separated.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi Oklahoma,

One thing I am not seeing here is whether your wife is committing herself to meeting your needs in the future as part of this potential reconciliation process.

Another thing I noticed was that she knows you like sex (she must by this point) and knows you can get someone to meet that need - that's why she stepped in when you were dating. But she still tries to control your interactions (when you guys will meet, what you guys will do).

It feels like there's still a bit of a power play here - like she's going to do just enough to keep you interested and away from other women. It seems odd that she had an affair, yet for you (her husband) she both acts like she wants to work things out (which would necessarily mean being sexual with you and not some OM) but keep her distance.

I think you need to make it clear to her that making the marriage work going forward means that she will become comfortable meeting your needs within what you feel is a reasonable timeframe. You already have been without her and know it can be good. You have seen that she is capable of meeting her own needs without concern for you. You know you can generate interest, and certainly you will find a lady who is right for you - why would you want to move backwards in that regard?


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## oklahoma1701 (Dec 19, 2011)

I don't disagree with what you are suggesting, DTO. It is a strange feeling and I've never been in this place before. She is doing a lot of power-play type moves, but at the same time, she has done several things during the last month that lead me to believe that she really does want us to get back together.

We spent everything Christmas together... my family, her family, office parties, etc. Why do this if we are done? We also had a heart to heart and got everything out on the table. 

We agreed to suspend the divorce indefinitely and agreed to start marriage counseling. This is due to begin in a couple weeks. 

We spend New Years Eve together with my friends, when she very easily could have gone out with her 'bar hopping' girlfriends. 

Yes, it hurts to have somebody else exert control over the situation and there are times that I just want to toss in the towel, but I keep thinking how great we could be if we just start the counseling and start dating regularly. 

If it isn't in the cards after that, I can wash my hands of this with a clear conscience. But, my problem is that my personality needs me to at least TRY to fix it. 

I know I probably seem nuts...


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