# Unmotivated Wife



## panama210 (May 22, 2014)

Please forgive the long post, but I wanted to make sure you understood the whole situation before you commented.

Me: age: 32
Her: age 28
Married: 6 years
Kids: 0

We met in Central America where I worked as a contractor. She was 22 and I was 25. She seemed to have her head on her shoulders and we had a few things in common. She told me about how she was the smartest in her class in high school and that she got a scholarship to attend a university in Cuba. After all of the pressure of working so hard throughout school, she passed up the offer and decided to take a long break and go work. However, at the time we met she was not working and staying with her sister and her sister’s son.

After seeing each other for a few months, I emotionally expressed how I wanted to become exclusive with her and that she should move-in with me; she said the sentiments were mutual. A couple of weeks later, I went local bar with a friend to find her with another guy who I later found out she was having sex with. This led me to recall a casual conversation I had with her a couple of weeks prior when she asked me if guys could tell if a woman had sex with another man (IKR). Against my better judgment, I forgave her and eventually got married. Two months later, we end up moving out of that country to Asia. 

We lived there for a year, but she couldn’t work because of her visa status. So I allowed her to stay at home. I recommended that she find some friends and find alternate things to do since taxis and public transportation was very cheap. She also had access to the military base facilities. She never really got involved with any extracurricular activities but would enjoy going with me to one of the local bars to drink (we always loved to drink and I like the nightlife). I found out she cannot handle her liquor publicly because she becomes so intoxicated that I had to carry her on multiple occasions. I also caught her flirting with this guy who was a “friend of a friend” right in my presence. One day, her email was open on the computer and I found an email she wrote to her sister about how she had spoken with the guy she had the affair with previously. Reluctantly, I forgave her again.

We finally worked on her drinking problem which was really hampering our relationship. She seemed to get drunk and not remember half of what happened. One of my favorite past times was going to bars/lounges and have a few drinks and dance…she couldn’t do either one. I’ve changed my lifestyle not just for mine, but the benefit of us both.

Three years ago, we moved back to the States. Throughout the relationship, I constantly motivated her to find a job, go to school, and learn how to drive (most people where she is from don’t drive because of cheap taxis). I had to frequently remind her to complete simple tasks, she wouldn’t eat unless I basically forced her (she had an eating problem but I love to cook/eat), and she didn’t want to leave the house without me. When we did meet another couple, should would unexpectedly get drunk and pretty much embarrass herself and I. I can recall that she pretty much ruined every special occasion I had by her getting drunk and us fighting.

Now in this entire time we’ve been together, I’ve worked full-time and first got my AS, then I got my BS, and I received my Masters last year. After she finally reached out to a school about her enrollment, they told her that she needed a transcript from her high school. The high school will only give her the transcript if she comes in person, keep in mind that we’ve gone back to her country at least 3 times previously. 
She wouldn’t speak English, though she claimed to have taken English classes previously. I would always translate for her. To make her finally learn English I used a game in which she would have to pay a fee (my $) whenever she spoke Spanish.
I had to use threats for her to get a license. She finally got it after I practiced with her and paid for her to take driving lessons (but she still doesn’t know how to drive). I told her to let me know when she wanted to go practice and I would take her after I leave work but she makes up an excuse.

She finally was offered a job working as a receptionist for a low budget hotel on the graveyard shift after I threatened to send her away again for not looking for a job. I took her to and from work the entire time. She quit after 4 months (I agreed) because of safety concerns. While she worked, I let her pay some money towards the bills but the rest was hers. She bought clothes for herself and lots of gifts to take to her family but she didn’t even offer to buy me a soda. Oh, and she has never bought me ONE gift since we’ve been married (not that those are important to me).

She doesn’t volunteer, find a library, or anything productive though there is a bus stop in front of our home. She is not a dirty person and she keeps the place clean, but it would be nice to come home to a meal prepared by someone other than myself or not having to stop by the grocery store when I get off work.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship that lives with her mother. While dating my wife I went to visit by daughter on a couple of occasions but my daughter was something I didn’t really discuss with her at the time because: 1. I didn’t know where the relationship was going and 2. It was some circumstances I had with the mother at the time that made it a touchy subject (though I’ve ALWAYS financially supported my daughter from day 1). 

I’ve always wanted to reconnect with my daughter by being a “real” father. I would bring it up but I never received any support from my wife to do so. She wouldn’t say she disagreed, but neither did she give me any reassurance. She would get upset at pics I had or if I spoke with my daughter in her presence. On a whim I finally decided to fly down for about four days. I had all of my things prepared because I was so excited & nervous to go see my little girl whom I haven’t physically seen in 6 years! Tell me why the night before, the camera I had charged & ready was missing. I gave up on looking for the camera and was glad that I at least had my iPhone. 
After I got back, she never asked me how was my trip or if she could see the pics I had taken with my daughter. But something bothered me and I decided to look through my wife’s things. In the nightstand drawer inside of one of her bags was my camera. She denied hiding it from me and that she found it while cleaning. Yeah right! 

I returned on a second trip to see my daughter that next month for a longer trip. That entire time I reflected on my marriage and when I returned I felt I couldn’t stand being with my wife any longer and that she betrayed me for the last time. 
It was just about my daughter, it was the disassociation from family/friends and the feeling like I was constantly nurturing a child. She doesn’t help support this family financially and couldn’t give me the psychological support when I needed it the most. I’ve always motivated her and stuck by her when she needed me. The final straw was when she turned her back on me when I wanted to reconnect with my daughter. I’ve not saying I’m perfect, but I think I deserve better. I’m at the prime of my life and career and stuck with someone with a high school education, no job experience, and no motivation. Please tell me if I’m wrong.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Agree with you.

Parent/child relationships don't make for good marriages.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

What is your life project or dream?

Have you shared it with her?

Do you know what motivates her? She probably misses her family.

Are you paying attention to her and listening to her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I not stay with a person who did not support my relationship with my child. If you stay with your wife, it will get harder as your daughter gets older. There is already jealousy from your wife where there should not be any.

Then add it to her lack of motivation, cheating, and behavior problems. You work an support your wife, yet she cannot even have a meal ready when you get home? A spouse (man or woman) who is supported by the other should take the major responsibility of the home, cooking, etc. 

From what you way you are justified in divorcing her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It could be that where she is from, for her socio-economic class, her behavior is normal.

Does she want to stay with you? Would she feel comfortable telling you if she wanted to divorce you and go back home?


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## panama210 (May 22, 2014)

Duguesclin said:


> What is your life project or dream?
> 
> Have you shared it with her?
> 
> ...


Our focus was on coming back to the States permanently and purchasing a home. That's what we both desired.

She always talked about going back to school and working. I always supported her. I would have worked and helped pay for her school. 

She can go see her family anytime she wants. We took a flight there about 8 months ago. We have a home phone that she can use to call family anytime she wants. Besides, it's not like she is that close to her family.

She loves to move around and travel just as much as I.

I pay her plenty of attention to the point I was neglecting others in my life.


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## panama210 (May 22, 2014)

jld said:


> It could be that where she is from, for her socio-economic class, her behavior is normal.
> 
> Does she want to stay with you? Would she feel comfortable telling you if she wanted to divorce you and go back home?


I'm very familiar with the culture and that behavior is not normal. 

Of course she wants to stay, because she knows that I'm the only financial support she has. 

My friend is married to her sister (they are on my side by the way) and he told me that the sister had an issue with her staying with them previously in her country and not working. 

She is staying with them now in another state. Again, not working.

She doesn't have to ask me for a divorce...I'm ready to give her one!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

panama210 said:


> I'm very familiar with the culture and that behavior is not normal.
> 
> Of course she wants to stay, because she knows that I'm the only financial support she has.
> 
> ...


If you gave her some clear limits and expectations, and she fulfilled them, would you keep her? Or do you just want to be done?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

You can't save people from themselves and you've done more than your fair share to try to help her. The chronic motivation sounds like chronic depression to me. However, even if she does suffer from it, if she doesn't recognize it or seek help for it, it won't ever change. You also get one shot at life, I don't think it would be fair for you to live out your life with this "jail sentence" of a wife.

Case in point, I have a neighbor upstairs, she rents just one of the bedrooms of our house and an older, disabled lady lives in the other, they're roommates (our house is split into two apartments). She is pretty, young, intelligent, and friendly. She's lived here for FOUR years and has done NOTHING with her life but get a little older each year, her parents pay her rent and give her a stipend to live off of each month.

She lives in a room with 2 cats that she can't even manage to keep it clean it's just a bedroom-sized room so how hard can it be?The walls are thin and I hear her friends talking to her to clean up the mess and say, "How can you live like this?" and she just doesn't care. 

I live in Canada, there are so many social programs that she could access FOR FREE to get an education, counseling, medication for her depression (she told me about her depression and lack of motivation) and better herself but she doesn't. She just passes the time wasting her life, listening to the same sh!tty music... I just think it's such a waste. She doesn't have children or a husband - she could literally do anything and go anywhere she wants but doesn't care. I've tried talking to her, even gave her suggestions for counselors, SSRI's etc. she talks a good talk, acts appreciative towards me for listening/trying to help but at the end of the day, it falls on deaf ears. She just doesn't want to help herself.d

What I'm trying to say is there is nothing you can do to help your wife if she doesn't want to help herself. Your wife is like my neighbour. Just coasting through life. You are paying the bill for it financially and emotionally. 

The cheating is a sign of her emotional immaturity and lack of character - as is her ability to mooch off of you and others and feel zero guilt about it.

Then there's the drinking. She's a problem drinker and just shouldn't drink. You don't have to be an alcoholic to have a drinking problem her embarrassing outbursts/scenes are problem enough.

I think you need to stop threatening and just file. She is not living with you now so make this a legal separation and file. Be grateful that you don't have children with this woman - she acts like a child herself. Then go spend more time with your daughter.


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