# Another sexless marriage



## Pad1968 (Jan 28, 2014)

This is my first post before contemplating going to some sort of marriage/sex counselor. I'm 45 yom and I've been married to my 41 yo wife for15 years we have. 2 children ages 14 and 11. In all we are happy but herein lyes the problem. For whatever reason my wife has lost all interest in any kind of sexual activity with me. She refuses to go to a doctor to rule out and medical condition. Her reasons vary from she can't preform when kids are around to she's not happy with her body lately due to weight gain. I arrange date nights where it's just her and I and constantly tell her she's beautiful but still no sex. This in turn, for lack of a better phrase , pisses me off and then I do things that are mean to her; ignore her, have a few too many beers ect....nothing violent. It seems like a vicious cycle where she shuts me down with no sex and I do behavior she doesn't appreciate. As of this writing I think the last time we made love was 2 or 3 months ago and since sex is so far and in between it didn't last long  if you get my meaning. I'm getting real close to cheating on my beloved wife, not for lack of love, but for lack of an innate desire to have sex. In my profession I have more than enough opportunities to have one night stands so can someone help me before I do something I might regret? Right now I look at our sex life as someone having a nice car that's parked in the garage for months at a time, I just want to take it out for a spin a couple times a week.


----------



## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Welcome to the club. I'm still in turmoil about my situation, so that being the case I will let others help out with advice/opinions. Just wanted to say, you're not alone. We litter the floors of this place.

I'm going on six years and haven't cheated, so my only advice here is to tell you to avoid an affair at all costs.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Three months without sex? That all?!!

I jest - if you are used to 2 x a week which then drops to 2 x a month then something is up (no pun intended!)

You will get many people on here saying as PS13 - do NOT have an affair.
Having an affair is certainly not ideal...but I do understand that when you are thirsty and someone offers you a drink you take it.

The only real advice I can give is that if you really want to try and sort things and stay married to your wife then you need counselling. But, BOTH of you have to accept there is a problem that BOTH of you want to fix TOGETHER.

If she isnt interested, forget it.


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

My opinion has always been, if you're seriously contemplating cheating, then your marriage is already over. If someone loves their spouse, sex or not, they would not hurt them this way. I've gone 6 months without & some on here have gone years & still hold hope, if you cheat, you're done! Get her to go to counseling & find a sex middle ground. If she isn't interested & you have to have sex, then divorce her.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Schedule MC.

Up your sex ranking. Work out in the gym. Be more self confident. Blah, blah, blah. Act happy, self confident. Listen to her carefully. Don't get drawn into shxt tests.

Do a mild 180 until you get her attention.

Schedule MC. Draw a line in the sand. If she doesn't respond divorce her.

She'll be happy that you're a man and stand up for yourself.


----------



## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

woundedwarrior said:


> My opinion has always been, if you're seriously contemplating cheating, then your marriage is already over. If someone loves their spouse, sex or not, they would not hurt them this way. I've gone 6 months without & some on here have gone years & still hold hope, if you cheat, you're done! Get her to go to counseling & find a sex middle ground. If she isn't interested & you have to have sex, then divorce her.


If cheating drives through your mind, I would not say your marriage is over. I would say this is more likely an honest human emotional reaction to sexual frustration. 

If you log in to a dating site and message 16 different women in hopes for a romp at a hotel, well thats different. 

I am by no means in a perfect place to offer advice..but.. You should immediately focus on yourself. Get in shape, be social, be busy, carry confidence (even if you must partially fake it), etc. One of two things will happen:
A. She will see these changes, feel a sense of discomfort, and change her actions.
B. She will not do anything different. At which point you would have a pretty clear vision of what to do. 

I have a similar sexless issue. In my last heart to heart talk with my wife, I explained that I'm no longer relying on her affirmation (physical or verbal) to make me feel happy or loved. I also explained that my job is to be the best me I can be, and I am comfortable with the fact that the best me may not be enough for her in this marriage. Yep, pretty hard hitting stuff. Yep, she was somewhat taken back and visibly upset. But boy am I sleeping much easier knowing I laid it out on the table. 

I don't think your at that point yet with the conversation, but you should make active changes in yourself and see if that has any reaction.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

read married man's sex life primer and follow up on the recommendations.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I was in your situation, and did end up cheating on my wife before I smartened up and ended the marriage. My advice, similar to the others...

Try MC. You've got nothing to lose

Read the "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" and possibly "No More Mr. Nice Guy". See if there's some of you in there, and some things that you can change.

Don't cheat. It won't solve anything. Get out of the marriage before you do that. If you cheat and get caught, it makes the odds of an amicable divorce that much less, which means the kids are going to be affected that much more. Plus, with any future partners, it's much more acceptable to tell them you left a sexless marriage with your honor intact than telling them that you cheated before you left your sexless marriage.

Also, cheating doesn't solve anything. Empty sex does not fix a relationship that's lacking intimacy. 

C


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

As far as I can tell the wife is most likely to let it drag on for a long time. Getting mad or being visibly upset seems like generally the wrong direction. Instead of your wife recognizing that you are hurt she is more likely to see you as another child that needs to be taken care of. 

So simply forget any resentment over this. Make yourself the best person you can be and treat her as a business partner. 

I agree with others that an affair is not the way to go. Be realistic and honest and tell her what your minimum needs are to stay married to her. (including your needs and the kids) If sex has to be a part of it than make a plan and timeline for change. If you are willing to stick it out till the youngest finishes high school or whatever than so be it.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Amongst the very best advice (IMO) that I've seen here on this topic is this post linked below. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/159337-ld-women-please-chime-5.html#post6626393


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

As other srecommended... no cheating, MMSL, 180.

But I'd try a little speech first. Explain to her that you feel like you are meeting her needs, but feel like she is not meeting yours. Tell her that "an intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship" (NOT "sex") is needed in the marriage. It goes hand-in-hand with monogamy. If there isn't one in the marriage, the marriage can't survive.

Tell her that you understand the privacy issue and the body image issue BUT... those are her hangups to overcome.

If she refuses to address those hangups, or can't overcome them, tell her you are willing to try marriage counseling however barring a satisfactory outcome, divorce is likely.

Divorce MUST be an option. Without it, she will see no ramifications for not changing her behavior. Your other option is to lead an unhappy life with a roommate instead of a wife/lover and let her know you won't do that.


----------



## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I agree that having an affair is not a good option and will only cause more heartache and pain. Once you cheat you will always be known as the one who was unfaithful. Marriage counseling of some kind is your best option. Maybe you should consider going alone first and letting the counselor get a good read on you. He/she could then help you with suggestions on how to breach the issue with your wife. 

In any event, the marriage is heading for trouble if change is not made. I work for a Marriage & Family Ministry and have a series of articles I could share with you called _Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs_ if you ask. They are written from a Christian perspective but they outline in detail why sex is so important to a man. This information could be helpful as you begin to open-up to your wife about this issue. We also have counselors available (at no cost to you) if you are interested. Feel free to send me a private message if you would like this information. Good luck.


----------



## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Pad1968 said:


> This is my first post before contemplating going to some sort of marriage/sex counselor. I'm 45 yom and I've been married to my 41 yo wife for15 years we have. 2 children ages 14 and 11. In all we are happy but herein lyes the problem. For whatever reason my wife has lost all interest in any kind of sexual activity with me. She refuses to go to a doctor to rule out and medical condition. Her reasons vary from she can't preform when kids are around to she's not happy with her body lately due to weight gain. I arrange date nights where it's just her and I and constantly tell her she's beautiful but still no sex. This in turn, for lack of a better phrase , pisses me off and then I do things that are mean to her; ignore her, have a few too many beers ect....nothing violent. It seems like a vicious cycle where she shuts me down with no sex and I do behavior she doesn't appreciate. As of this writing I think the last time we made love was 2 or 3 months ago and since sex is so far and in between it didn't last long  if you get my meaning. I'm getting real close to cheating on my beloved wife, not for lack of love, but for lack of an innate desire to have sex. In my profession I have more than enough opportunities to have one night stands so can someone help me before I do something I might regret? Right now I look at our sex life as someone having a nice car that's parked in the garage for months at a time, I just want to take it out for a spin a couple times a week.


Hi,

I'm a cheater and I'm hear to say don't do it! its your life and you have the right to be happy. You need to be brutally honest with her, Yes we women will cry and not take it well and may even be a bit mean as we don't know how to handle criticism well. 

She needs to know you are at this breaking point, I told my husband for years I was lonely and depressed and needed him and was met with a half smile and no improvement, he also used the kids in the house thing to not have sex with me and the sex isn't needed in a marriage to show love....

I cheated over 2 .6 years ago and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry and feel immense anger for allowing myself to go down that path. He asks me at least every few days why!! 

Why didn't I just tell him I was ready to cheat, why did I do this to our marriage and I tell him I just wanted sex, do you know he doesn't believe me, he thinks there is more to it, I went looking on an adult hookup site. It was purely for the need of human touch. 

Now your marriage is different than mine 2-3 months is nothing, when a year passes you by and your shot down you start to think there is no hope. Yes we are in the middle of reconciliation but we will never be the same, there is a good chance if you cheat she will tell you to get the Fvck out and not be willing to hear your excuses as to why.....


----------



## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

I agree with the others who recommend NMMNG and MMSL. Work on yourself and don't get mad or passive-aggressive. 

MC could help, but only if your wife wants to go and wants to change. If she doesn't, trying to force MC might backfire.

And don't cheat. If your marriage is to the point you want to cheat, get a divorce first. After 15 years of marriage, you owe her that much.


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Agree, cheating will change your view of yourself, and not for the better. It's not the answer. Have you been honest with her and told her that if there is no increase in sex you can't continue to live this way? That you are a grown man and can't live like a 4 year old boy?


----------



## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

The only thing a man really has is his self-respect. Either start divorce proceedings or stay put. Don't cheat.

When my wife closed the shop I had to threaten to leave in order to get her to go to counseling. I was prepared to follow through on that. 

Through the counseling process I learned a lot about myself and how to be a better husband. I had to admit that my wife's refusal wasn't the only problem in our marriage. She tried to blame it all on me and I was a better person for accepting the blame on the things I deserved. I changed and continue to work on those things in me. I had to accept that I can't change her. 

The only thing I did was to tell her how much sex means to me. A second counselor we were going to labeled me a "sex addict" for that. I struggled with that for a while until I realized our counselor was full of **** and I quit going. That was only after spending lots of hours and money working on a problem that was fabricated by an unlicensed therapist. Again, part of my growth through that was to learn how to separate crap from truth. I can say that I have matured as a result of this process.

So my advice is to take a serious inventory of any issues you may have on your side of the street. Clean them up and then tell your wife your not happy. It will take 1-3 months for you to do your part and for your wife to notice. It's up to her to want to change for the sake of the marriage. It's then up to you to leave if she continues to not want sex. 

If you do want to leave, leave honorably. Tell your wife that by such-and-such a date if we aren't enjoying sex regularly then you are moving to the guest room. Pick a date 3 months out and follow through. Then while you are living in the guest room if things don't get better set another 3 month deadline before you contact an attorney. Let your wife know your plans and that she has the power to save your marriage by changing her behavior. Again, this is AFTER you have done the work on your side first. 

Get some men around you to support you through this. Do you have any friends who have good marriages? Do you go to church? If so, can you talk to the pastor? You want to find people who can empathize without tell you what to do. I received some really bad advice from people I thought were my friends. I'm still friends with them but I won't talk about marriage issues with them anymore. 

Good luck and I'm sorry you are going through this.


----------



## 0kool74 (Jan 29, 2014)

Pad1968 said:


> This is my first post before contemplating going to some sort of marriage/sex counselor. I'm 45 yom and I've been married to my 41 yo wife for15 years we have. 2 children ages 14 and 11. In all we are happy but herein lyes the problem. For whatever reason my wife has lost all interest in any kind of sexual activity with me. She refuses to go to a doctor to rule out and medical condition. Her reasons vary from she can't preform when kids are around to she's not happy with her body lately due to weight gain. I arrange date nights where it's just her and I and constantly tell her she's beautiful but still no sex. This in turn, for lack of a better phrase , pisses me off and then I do things that are mean to her; ignore her, have a few too many beers ect....nothing violent. It seems like a vicious cycle where she shuts me down with no sex and I do behavior she doesn't appreciate. As of this writing I think the last time we made love was 2 or 3 months ago and since sex is so far and in between it didn't last long  if you get my meaning. *I'm getting real close to cheating on my beloved wife, not for lack of love, but for lack of an innate desire to have sex*. In my profession I have more than enough opportunities to have one night stands so can someone help me before I do something I might regret? *Right now I look at our sex life as someone having a nice car that's parked in the garage for months at a time, I just want to take it out for a spin a couple times a week*.


The solution to your dilemma is easy......either she gets her act together or divorce cometh. You didn't marry this woman under purview of not being satisfied at a later date. 

Any man not getting sex from his wife is well within his place...and entitled....to seek it elsewhere. Should he get divorced before he does it? That's a toss-up. Either way, she will use the divorce-court ass-raping system to mow him to shreds so the end result will be the same. However, she can't claim any kind of moral high ground if she's refusing sex.


----------



## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

I can't say I agree with cheating; however being in a sexless and neglectful marriage myself, I can certainly sympathize with the WS who seeks physical and emotional closeness from someone other than their spouse if they are being neglected. I have talked to my wife until I'm blue in the face, I have suggested counseling, I have pleaded with her to talk to her OBGYN about switching birth control, I have been nice, I have been a doormat, I have been an a.s.s.h.o.l.e I have been a jerk, I ignored her, I have gone back to being nice (because honestly, I'm not a jerk or a.s.s.h.o.l.e)....ALL to no avail. The issue is my STBXW does not think there is any problem with a sexless and affectionless marriage - that's the problem. It's not something I've done, it's something she refuses to address. What I'm going to say now will probably get me flamed by a lot of people; however, in a lot of cases it applies.

In my case I'm divorcing my wife as soon as nursing school is done and I have a job (this summer). I know I'll be labeled the a.s.s.h.o.l.e who only wants sex (not true, I want emotional and intellectual intimacy more than anything else) but I don't care anymore. I could easily go down the path of infidelity - and there have been many opportunities for me to go down that path - I just don't do it because I have strong will power, but I could easily see myself doing that if I was a little weaker and had no finite plans to divorce. 

I think many of the BS's in here are the cause of marital problems that led their WS to cheat. Sure, the responsibility of cheating rests 100% on the WS; however, the BS is at least 50% responsible for the breakdown of the marriage and the circumstances that led to the cheating. Whenever I read BS' say that their WS is a liar because the reason the cheated is that they were neglected at home, I get so angry! It seems like all they want to hear the WS say is "I'm a selfish person, that's why I cheated." I'm sorry, but I completely disagree with this, I think a lot of times the selfish person is the BS because they refuse to acknowledge there is a problem in the marriage. Whenever I read a BS say "I neglected her/him, but..." I stop reading, because that right there is the exact reason why they cheated. I can completely sympathize with the need/want to be physically close to your spouse and after a certain amount of rejection everyone is bound to have a breaking point. PERIOD. It's not a justification to cheat, but often times it is the reason that people cheated - not because they were selfish. Please also realize that I don't mean this is the case in all cases of infidelity, but I can guarantee it's what led a lot of cheaters to cheat.


----------



## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

Marriage Counseling is pointless. There's not a single counsellor in the western hemisphere who'll tell a woman point blank "You are breaking your wedding vows; you are being a selfish, frigid cow; give it up, pronto."

An option is to simply pay your wife for sex. Cease putting your pay into the joint account, and pay her for putting out. Problem solved.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MrWombat said:


> Marriage Counseling is pointless. There's not a single counsellor in the western hemisphere who'll tell a woman point blank "You are breaking your wedding vows; you are being a selfish, frigid cow; give it up, pronto."
> 
> An option is to simply pay your wife for sex. Cease putting your pay into the joint account, and pay her for putting out. Problem solved.


Well, that's interesting advice.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MrWombat said:


> Marriage Counseling is pointless. There's not a single counsellor in the western hemisphere who'll tell a woman point blank "You are breaking your wedding vows; you are being a selfish, frigid cow; give it up, pronto."
> 
> An option is to simply pay your wife for sex. Cease putting your pay into the joint account, and pay her for putting out. Problem solved.


Some women would go for that, and they don't feel like a prostitute either. It's a "game" that them and their spouse pays and the money motivates them.


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

My buddy licked it with his W, "put out, or get out", ultimatum I know but I don't blame him and neither do I see a need to put you partners wants and desires on hold all the time just "because", reasons and Bull Sh!t excuses make a sexless marriage, reasons hold water like he is a quadraplegic but the rest is just BS!!!

Tell her 3X per week or you want out, I did, the only time she skips quota is when she is away, but makes up for it when she gets home


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> My buddy licked it with his W, "put out, or get out", ultimatum I know but I don't blame him and neither do I see a need to put you partners wants and desires on hold all the time just "because", reasons and Bull Sh!t excuses make a sexless marriage, reasons hold water like he is a quadraplegic but the rest is just BS!!!
> 
> Tell her 3X per week or you want out, I did, the only time she skips quota is when she is away, but makes up for it when she gets home


After some amount of time you have to.


----------



## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> My buddy licked it with his W, "put out, or get out", ultimatum I know but I don't blame him and neither do I see a need to put you partners wants and desires on hold all the time just "because", reasons and Bull Sh!t excuses make a sexless marriage, reasons hold water like he is a quadraplegic but the rest is just BS!!!
> 
> Tell her 3X per week or you want out, I did, the only time she skips quota is when she is away, but makes up for it when she gets home


I tried this. It didn't work for me because at the end of the day, my wife has no problem being in an affectionless and sexless marriage - she saw this with her parents, so to her its normal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

P51Geo1980 said:


> I tried this. It didn't work for me because at the end of the day, my wife has no problem being in an affectionless and sexless marriage - she saw this with her parents, so to her its normal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So what are your options?

Stay and continue with it the way it is?

Make a vested effort to get her to change?

Where do you see your life in 10yrs time? Happy? Depressed? In love with someone else who shares your values and respects you?


----------



## I like cake (Apr 30, 2014)

It's pretty frustrating reading all these people talk about a man's needs and how it's reasonable to have them met to a certain extent. OK, I can see that men evidently (usually) have a higher need for sex than women. But women usually have higher emotional needs, and are more sensitive to changes in levels of demonstrated love. 

My husband rails at me that he has a need that isn't being met, but isn't so good at understanding that I do too. And unfortunately for him, if I don't feel the warmth of love and care, I really CAN'T have sex. The mood for sex almost always comes from feeling loved. So the more he talks about how often he needs sex, the more hurt I feel that he isn't thinking about my needs, and the less likely it is that I'll get in the mood. My husband says that for him it's sort of the opposite way round - that sex makes us feel closer - but if I'm feeling unloved, then sex feels like simply meeting his physical needs, NOT expressing love.

Guys have got to understand that ultimatums are often not going to work. An ultimatum sounds like a threat, and that isn't something that gives us a warm fuzzy feeling and gets us horny...


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

MrWombat said:


> Marriage Counseling is pointless. There's not a single counsellor in the western hemisphere who'll tell a woman point blank "You are breaking your wedding vows; you are being a selfish, frigid cow; give it up, pronto."
> 
> An option is to simply pay your wife for sex. Cease putting your pay into the joint account, and pay her for putting out. Problem solved.


Our marriage counselor wouldn't even touch the subject. We hadn't had sex in 3.5 years at that point and the counselor, a female, completely shut me down when I tried to bring that issue up as if it was irrelevant. It sure as hell wasn't irrelevant to me.


----------



## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

committed_guy said:


> The only thing I did was to tell her how much sex means to me. A second counselor we were going to labeled me a "sex addict" for that. I struggled with that for a while until I realized our counselor was full of **** and I quit going. That was only after spending lots of hours and money working on a problem that was fabricated by an unlicensed therapist. Again, part of my growth through that was to learn how to separate crap from truth. I can say that I have matured as a result of this process.


Well you are addicted, kind of like the same way your addicted to water and breathing!



JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Our marriage counselor wouldn't even touch the subject. We hadn't had sex in 3.5 years at that point and the counselor, a female, completely shut me down when I tried to bring that issue up as if it was irrelevant. It sure as hell wasn't irrelevant to me.


On the site for the His Needs, Her Needs book is there a place where you can look up counselors in your area that support that line of thinking. Cause it seems to me that a lot of the men get hit pretty hard by counselors for wanting some sex.


----------



## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I like cake said:


> It's pretty frustrating reading all these people talk about a man's needs and how it's reasonable to have them met to a certain extent. OK, I can see that men evidently (usually) have a higher need for sex than women. But women usually have higher emotional needs, and are more sensitive to changes in levels of demonstrated love.
> 
> My husband rails at me that he has a need that isn't being met, but isn't so good at understanding that I do too. And unfortunately for him, if I don't feel the warmth of love and care, I really CAN'T have sex. The mood for sex almost always comes from feeling loved. So the more he talks about how often he needs sex, the more hurt I feel that he isn't thinking about my needs, and the less likely it is that I'll get in the mood. My husband says that for him it's sort of the opposite way round - that sex makes us feel closer - but if I'm feeling unloved, then sex feels like simply meeting his physical needs, NOT expressing love.
> 
> Guys have got to understand that ultimatums are often not going to work. An ultimatum sounds like a threat, and that isn't something that gives us a warm fuzzy feeling and gets us horny...


Also whether or not you agree with this point of view you need to look at it, not argue it because it is how the other side feels. Whether or not you like it here is a view of what it looks like from the other side. And if you don't want them yelling your feelings are wrong don't yell there's are wrong.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I like cake said:


> It's pretty frustrating reading all these people talk about a man's needs and how it's reasonable to have them met to a certain extent. OK, I can see that men evidently (usually) have a higher need for sex than women. But women usually have higher emotional needs, and are more sensitive to changes in levels of demonstrated love.
> 
> My husband rails at me that he has a need that isn't being met, but isn't so good at understanding that I do too. And unfortunately for him, if I don't feel the warmth of love and care, I really CAN'T have sex. The mood for sex almost always comes from feeling loved. So the more he talks about how often he needs sex, the more hurt I feel that he isn't thinking about my needs, and the less likely it is that I'll get in the mood. My husband says that for him it's sort of the opposite way round - that sex makes us feel closer - but if I'm feeling unloved, then sex feels like simply meeting his physical needs, NOT expressing love.
> 
> Guys have got to understand that ultimatums are often not going to work. An ultimatum sounds like a threat, and that isn't something that gives us a warm fuzzy feeling and gets us horny...


There are at least three categories of 'sexless marriages' where the wife is LD. One is the situation you are talking about, where the man is not meeting the woman's emotional needs. You describe it well. There are undoubtedly lots of these situations and also in some cases, some guys who think they have done everything on their end haven't.

Another category is the LD wife who would really like to be sexual and are trying, but hormones, childbirth, women's issues, sexual abuse, are getting in the way.

But, also realize there are probably a lot of situations where guys on here (a lot of their stories are hashed about and they are grilled, sometimes pretty hard) that HAVE done everything reasonable and loving and tender and supportive only to be rejected point blank by their wives.

these are the guys who are crying out for help, sometimes after years of denial and deserve our sympathy and support.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> There are at least three categories of 'sexless marriages' where the wife is LD.


To those three we should add that there are women who have lost respect for their husbands, sometimes with good reason and sometimes not.

A husband who loses his job and is depressed may have the sex appeal of less than zero.

Some men are too into porn.

Some women are thinking about other men. They want excitement and their husband is not exciting. They know everything about him and he is dullness itself.

So some combination of self improvement, better communication and assertiveness ought to give some hope. But if these don't work, 180 and steer towards divorce but without anger and recrimination.

What happened to the OP?


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> To those three we should add that there are women who have lost respect for their husbands, sometimes with good reason and sometimes not.
> 
> A husband who loses his job and is depressed may have the sex appeal of less than zero.
> 
> ...


Good points all


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Your sex life will more then likely get worse. My husband and I had sex every 2 months. Right now its going on 9 months since the last time


----------



## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Agree, cheating will change your view of yourself, and not for the better. It's not the answer. Have you been honest with her and told her that if there is no increase in sex you can't continue to live this way? That you are a grown man and can't live like a 4 year old boy?


I am in this situation as well. My concern with just telling my h that if there is no increase in sex I can't continue this way is that he will feel forced or coerced into having sex and that is just as bad if not worse than no sex at all. The choice has to come from the "offending" partner ( for lack of a better term). I do agree that cheating is bad for the soul.


----------



## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> To those three we should add that there are women who have lost respect for their husbands, sometimes with good reason and sometimes not.


:iagree:

And good reason or not if this where the problem is this is where you need to work. Starting with an apology always helps. If you don't know what else to say, something to the effect of a sincere "I'm sorry for not always appreciating the treasure I have", always melts my heart and opens the doors to honest communication.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

P51Geo1980 said:


> I tried this. It didn't work for me because at the end of the day, my wife has no problem being in an affectionless and sexless marriage - *she saw this with her parents, so to her its normal.*_Posted via Mobile Device_


This is spot on, especially the bolded part. My wife saw this with her parents, and she sees a lot of her friends like this. In her mind, like P51's wife's mind, it's normal not to have sex. Especially after you have kids, sex becomes the last thing on their mind. Kids, work, etc., take over, then you justify the lack of sex by saying how tired you are, how the kids just suck the energy out of you, etc. If you get a sitter and go out for dinner, when you get home, you tell yourself that you can't have sex as we need our rest in case the kids wake up. It's just a vicious circle.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

It is amazing to me when it is the husband that causes the sexless marriage. I just can't fathom. Now, last night after a weekend of running around non-stop I was completely exhausted and probably would have to be talked into it, so I can see that ... but worst case I would take a rain check for the next night, not long term. I suppose if a guy has performance issues, low T, outright ED then I can imagine they might want to avoid it (embarrassed, doesn't want to fail, etc.) ... but a healthy guy? What I wouldn't give to be in a marriage with a woman who actually wants to have sex.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"A husband who loses his job and is depressed may have the sex appeal of less than zero." LongWalk

To this category I would have to take issue. I agree a jobless depressed husband is not sexy. But that's where a good wife would come in. Losing a job is not that uncommon nowadays. And being depressed is a normal reaction. In that case a wife should support her man rather than scorn him, including trying to boost his confidence and ego by initiating sex.

Of course if he's being an @ss, that's another matter, but otherwise if he's trying the woman should be supportive. Same with the man when the tables are turned if the woman is feeling bad about herself, overweight, depressed, et.


----------



## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

In my experience multi-year droughts are the symptom, not the cause. Things like loss of respect, absence of attraction, and resentment tend to be responsible. Still I can't believe the counselor acted as though your feelings aren't valid! Wow

-seahorse 




JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Our marriage counselor wouldn't even touch the subject. We hadn't had sex in 3.5 years at that point and the counselor, a female, completely shut me down when I tried to bring that issue up as if it was irrelevant. It sure as hell wasn't irrelevant to me.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

seahorse said:


> In my experience multi-year droughts are the symptom, not the cause. Things like loss of respect, absence of attraction, and resentment tend to be responsible. Still I can't believe the counselor acted as though your feelings aren't valid! Wow
> 
> -seahorse


I separated from her around the 3.5 year mark. We started marriage counseling about a month later. I did not separate because we weren't having sex. I was quite aware that the lack of sex was just a symptom and I understood immediately why the counselor wanted to work on the causes but instead of just saying that, she completely dismissed me as if it was unimportant. I'm a reasonable person ... I could have accepted it if she simply said, "we'll talk about that but let's talk about these other things first." I can tell you that a healthy man in a committed relationship going 3.5 years with no intimacy is quite traumatic. It bothered me 1) that she invalidated my feelings, and 2) that I allowed myself to feel invalidated. In short, I was pissed, lol.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I don't the OP was really into the idea of cheating. But the warnings will help him consider the consequences.

Being confident that he is going to solve the problem should improve his situation a lot. Even just knowing that divorce is a possible outcome may help.


----------

