# didnt throw husband a bday party.



## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

Im feeling all kinds of ways right now.

This year, like last year, for his bday i decided to just make the hub a bday cake, sing him happy birthday, alone nothing big because its a weekday, and do something with his fam/frnds over the weekend. 
One day before his day, he hinted that he was expecting a surprise party with all his friends, or he was expecting me to invite all his friends over (on the weekday).
Normally i would have done this already, it would have been my pleasure! But I didnt and I dont want to plan it this time. The reason being is because 2 birthdays ago (our first year married) i did throw him a surprise party with his fam, and his friends and he hated it. He had a sour face the whole time, which was rude. Didnt try to at least appear grateful to not only me, but his friends/fam...and he specifically told me he didnt like these kinds of things, especially on weekdays. I was so hurt back then. We didnt talk for days. And i swore to him i would never plan anything for him again since he hates them so much.
Well im sticking to my word now, and now hes making me feel bad that i dont want to plan anything big for him. That hes changed from that time and that hes dissapointed/mad/sad. I told him that if he wants people over, other than his already invited family, he could call them over himself.

I wish I could let go of the resentment or hurt from two years ago, but im having a hard time doing so. Especially when he never goes out of his way to make my bdays a big deal either. We go out to dinner, which is enough for me, but sometimes ive expected lil somehting extra, which didnt happen and i just let it go because I guess i know hes not detail-oriented.

I guess I want to know opinions on my situation...am i wrong...advice...etc


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tell him exactly how you felt during that fateful surprise party without starting any sentence with "You did... You said...You never...you always..." Begin your sentences with "I feel, I felt"

"I felt embarrassed, hurt and really upset when I last threw the surprise party. I felt neglected, hurt and disappointed when you did not do anything special on my birthday. I feel resentful about how we have handled our birthdays and I'm at a loss on how to make our birthdays happy times and not times for disappointment and hurt."


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

That seems so odd that he wants you do this this very thing but was upset the last time you did it. 

You need to be clear why you have resentment about this so he can explain. Maybe he was just sick that day or had a really bad day at work so he couldn't enjoy the party two years ago?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Clearly there's more to this than you've typed here. Chances are he's saying he's changed to address or tackle another ongoing issue in your marriage. I don't think his feelings towards surprise parties have changed at all. Just like many men, he hates them (I do too).


Are you two on good terms generally? Is the relationship rocky?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

martita said:


> Well im sticking to my word now, and now hes making me feel bad that i dont want to plan anything big for him. *That hes changed from that time and that hes dissapointed/mad/sad.* I told him that if he wants people over, other than his already invited family, he could call them over himself.
> 
> I wish I could let go of the resentment or hurt from two years ago, but im having a hard time doing so. *Especially when he never goes out of his way to make my bdays a big deal either. * We go out to dinner, which is enough for me, but sometimes ive expected lil somehting extra, which didnt happen and i just let it go because I guess i know hes not detail-oriented.
> 
> I guess I want to know opinions on my situation...am i wrong...advice...etc


There's obviously more to the story. What changes is he referring to?

Why does he feel entitled to a surprise party?

IMO that's self-centered.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Way to teach him a lesson for being an ungrateful, inconsiderate oaf.

Changed his mind? Hardly. He was an oaf when you did it and is now being an oaf cuz you haven't.

Underlying theme of "You can't do anything right" with a goal of psychological dominance in the relationship. Watch out for similar signs.

Oh. And put 11 candles on his cake and tell him they're representative of his sulking mental age.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Way to teach him a lesson for being an ungrateful, inconsiderate oaf.
> 
> Changed his mind? Hardly. He was an oaf when you did it and is now being an oaf cuz you haven't.
> 
> ...


Perfect!!! :rofl:


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Martita-

It definitely sounds like there is more to this than your husband not being a gentleman or for this unusual 180 with regard to a surprise birthday party. (IMO, these are symptoms of something deeper).

It sounds like perhaps both you and your husband no longer feel cherished within your relationship and now your both leaking out resentment (you in your reflection of how other women's husbands are more courteous than yours and he in his reaction to no big birthday surprise).

How much undivided attention time do you and he spend together each week doing something you both enjoy together?


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## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

synthetic said:


> Clearly there's more to this than you've typed here. Chances are he's saying he's changed to address or tackle another ongoing issue in your marriage. I don't think his feelings towards surprise parties have changed at all. Just like many men, he hates them (I do too).
> 
> 
> Are you two on good terms generally? Is the relationship rocky?


We are good right now, pretty good. We were actually perfect until the whole no party planned thing came up...



> There's obviously more to the story. What changes is he referring to?


I dont even know for sure. Hes implying hes become more caring towards that kind of nice gestures i guess. 



> Why does he feel entitled to a surprise party?


More than entitled...he was expecting one as a nice gesture i think. Most wives do this right...but since the events of two years ago, well you know.



> You need to be clear why you have resentment about this so he can explain. Maybe he was just sick that day or had a really bad day at work so he couldn't enjoy the party two years ago?


He said he had a headache at the end of the argument. But that is not an excuse to show everyone how unhappy you are with their presence.


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## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

cons said:


> Martita-
> 
> It definitely sounds like there is more to this than your husband not being a gentleman or for this unusual 180 with regard to a surprise birthday party. (IMO, these are symptoms of something deeper).
> 
> ...


Con, perhaps you are right now that i think about it.
We spend only 9pm+ nights together during the weekday due to our work schedule, and weekends. We are both in our 20s, so between school and job (no kids yet) we see each other less than we would like. I know for my part i have been feeling resentful in many ways, but many of that stuff im probably over exaggerating. I dont know if he is feeling the same way...i will bring it up next time we talk...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I don't think he's entitled to a surprise party, but I don't think you should hold that small event from 2 years ago over his head as a source of resentment and backlash.

So he acted upset and ungrateful 2 years ago. I'm sure we're all guilty of being assh0les to our loved ones from time to time. If this is not a frequent thing with him, why resent him?

Don't throw him a surprise party (I don't think you could at this point anyway), but instead of telling him about your reasoning (resentment from 2 years ago), just say you're gonna try to make this a better year for your marriage instead of focusing on a single night.

Try to open some channels for the resentments to pour out from your relationship. Get rid of them. They're toxic.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

The question you should be asking yourself is why anyone over the age of 12 feels entitled to a birthday party. 

:wtf::banghead:


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Omar174 said:


> The question you should be asking yourself is why anyone over the age of 12 feels entitled to a birthday party.
> 
> :wtf::banghead:


My first instinctive reply to this thread was "Birthdays are for children", but I realize for some people it's a significant thing. I don't get it. I hate my birthday and everybody else's birthday! It's such a stupid thing :scratchhead:

You won't believe it but in my previous marriage I had a father in law who was approaching 82. My marriage was pretty rocky at that time and I hadn't spoken to him for a few weeks. One day, I see him at the mall and he gives me this cold shoulder and a dirty look. I figured, my ex-wife must've said something about our problems but I still didn't like his attitude. After saying hi and all, I asked him what was wrong and to my astonishment he said:

...
..

wait for it...


...

..

"How come you didn't call to say happy birthday to me last week?"



It was one of the defining moments of my previous marriage. I figured at that point what a self-centered bunch of c*nts I was dealing with!


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

synthetic said:


> My first instinctive reply to this thread was "Birthdays are for children", but I realize for some people it's a significant thing. I don't get it. I hate my birthday and everybody else's birthday! It's such a stupid thing :scratchhead:
> 
> You won't believe it but in my previous marriage I had a father in law who was approaching 82. My marriage was pretty rocky at that time and I hadn't spoken to him for a few weeks. One day, I see him at the mall and he gives me this cold shoulder and a dirty look. I figured, my ex-wife must've said something about our problems but I still didn't like his attitude. After saying hi and all, I asked him what was wrong and to my astonishment he said:
> 
> ...


Personally I love to celebrate things. I believe life is boring if we don't ensure we have lots of fun and celebrate everything we can. 


Also your FIL might have been genuinely hurt. Some elderly people don't gave much to look forward too.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Also your *EX-*FIL might have been genuinely hurt.


I hope so.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

*LittleDeer* said:


> *Personally I love to celebrate things.* I believe life is boring if we don't ensure we have lots of fun and celebrate everything we can.
> 
> 
> Also your FIL might have been genuinely hurt. Some elderly people don't gave much to look forward too.


Me too. 

I love celebrating my kids' birthdays, because it makes them happy. 

I also love celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

But I just have to scratch my head at a grown man who gets his itty bitty little feelings hurt if he doesn't get a birthday party.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Birthday parties are for children and narcissistic adults. 

Tell him to grow up


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## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

Update guys!

First, thanks for your povs!

Yesterday we had a very small get together with his family and closest friends. I was surprised because he was very thankful the whole night. I dont know if he just talked to anyone or he came around, but he was so pleasant last night. We did talk a little and he apologized for being an ******* before, and i told him that for his next bday we'll plan something bigger. We talked over a few other things, but overall it was a good night 
He is a self centered guy lol but not as immature as you guys may think  sorry if i made it seem that way!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Perhaps he's changed and realized he wanted a party this year. Sounds like he had a good time.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Glad to hear about the good communication between both of you...

...we ALL have moments when our little boy or little girl starts to reign...it's when we become our higher selves and acknowledge our mistakes, make amends, and move forward.

When someone posts, we only get a snapshot of a person, and it never is a complete summation of that individual.

I'm happy that the celebration was well received.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I love a happy ending!

KEEP TALKING! Encourage him when he does and allow him a little wiggl room. In general, men are not socialized to be comfortable with feelings. They need a little encouragement.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Communication again for the WIN!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

YupItsMe said:


> Birthday parties are for children and narcissistic adults.
> 
> Tell him to grow up


 :iagree:


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Omar174 said:


> Me too.
> 
> I love celebrating my kids' birthdays, because it makes them happy.
> 
> ...


I agree with that. I don't really care about birthday parties. Usually we celebrate by having dinner with family or friends. 

I'm just talking about celebrating in general. I would think it was weird if my spouse got upset that I didn't give him a birthday party.


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## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

samuraijack: Lmao! Thanks!

Cons, and everyone else: Thanks for your insights!

Im glad that i dont feel like holding onto that event from 2012 anymore either. We hadnt touched that subject in 2 years. Now that we finally did and seeing how appreciative he was of everyone last night, I guess thats what I (and him) needed.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Martita, I'm hitting 50 in June. My W asked if I wanted a large party. I said no. I feel odd in situations like that. For me, bday parties are family dinner. Cake. No gifts please. It is not necessary. Let's face it...men are oddballs. I know. I'm one of them.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Marking the birthday of a loved one is akin to changing the oil in the car - in terms of its relative importance.

If you change the oil in the car once a year, your engine will really be happy that you at least changed it that one time. It's not perfect, but it may be enough to survive another year without breaking down. If you change the oil regularly, though, that oil change on the "oil-change anniversary" becomes less important to the overall health of the car. 

Birthdays are kind of like checkpoints, reminders that we let people who are important to us know that they are important to us. I've noticed that - in times of my marriage when I felt ignored or taken for granted - that birthdays were critical in terms of getting at least some acknowledgement from those around me. But since making some changes in the past few years (not acting quite so much like the roll-over NMMNG I used to be), I am treated better on a daily basis and I now place less emphasis on the importance of birthdays.

So, my advice is to use the concern over birthday recognition as a barometer of the health of the relationship with those around you. For those of you saying "birthdays aren't important, grow up," you may want to thank your lucky stars that you're probably in a relationship situation where the acknowledgement of your importance comes on days other than when it is mandated by the social norms of "birthday wishes." 

At the same time, don't belittle those who do place a big emphasis on birthdays. Some people are trapped in largely unloving, lonely relationships. Focus on one's own birthday is not always a sign of immaturity. It's more likely an indication that something else is missing from the relationships in their life. From an affirmation standpoint, birthdays may be all they have.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Yup. Effective communication reigns.

If it's game on for next year, don't forget the chocolate rice crispy cup-cakes,, or the treacley corn flake ones. I don't celebrate my birthdays but, if I did, there could be no forgiveness for a party lacking in those sticky little splendours. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Yeswecan said:


> Martita, I'm hitting 50 in June. My W asked if I wanted a large party. I said no. I feel odd in situations like that. For me, bday parties are family dinner. Cake. No gifts please. It is not necessary. Let's face it...men are oddballs. I know. I'm one of them.


I'm also turning 50 in June - on the day my youngest daughter graduates from high school. We'll have party focusing almost all on her. Wife might have me blow out candles at some point, but I prefer it to be daughter's day.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MarriedTex said:


> I'm also turning 50 in June - on the day my youngest daughter graduates from high school. We'll have party focusing almost all on her. Wife might have me blow out candles at some point, but I prefer it to be daughter's day.


And that is the way it should be handled. The days of red plastic firemen helmets, cake with sparklers and a Tonka truck are over. Simple happy birthday and I'm good.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Tell him exactly how you felt during that fateful surprise party without starting any sentence with "You did... You said...You never...you always..." Begin your sentences with "I feel, I felt"
> 
> "I felt embarrassed, hurt and really upset when I last threw the surprise party. I felt neglected, hurt and disappointed when you did not do anything special on my birthday. I feel resentful about how we have handled our birthdays and I'm at a loss on how to make our birthdays happy times and not times for disappointment and hurt."


:iagree:

OP - this really is all the advice you need.

PERFECT!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Way to teach him a lesson for being an ungrateful, inconsiderate oaf.
> 
> Changed his mind? Hardly. He was an oaf when you did it and is now being an oaf cuz you haven't.
> 
> ...


I was sort of thinking that 11 might be two too many!!


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