# To Confess or not to confess...that is the question!!



## unconnected (Oct 7, 2012)

I have posted previously about relationship I have been in and will summarise briefly. I am married for nearly thirty years and my children have all left home having reached adulthood. In September 2012 I re-kindled a friendship with a woman I had met through work a few years ago. Our previous friendship had been one of a romantic kind but not sexual. We had a lot in common and we met and talked about things of mutual interest, philosophy, art etc.
She was at this time living with a much younger man and over the course of our relationship she fell pregnant from him. At that point I decided to end our meetings and for several years had very little contact with her.

She contacted me again last September to help her with some work problems and we met up. By this time she had had a second child and was still living with her partner. She told me she was very unhappy in her relationship and wanted to move her life forward. I once again became romantically involved but again not sexually and over the three months between September and Christmas I met her on about a dozen occasions for meals etc. I led her to believe that there was a future for us and that maybe I would be prepared to share her life for her in the future including the care of her young children. It was always really a fantasy and she knew that after 24 years of parenting my own children I was not really keen on taking on anyone elses. Anyway following a recent illness that gave me many weeks without contacting her and time to reflect on my behaviour and everything I have to lose with my wife, family home friends etc I realised how foolish I have been and so last weekend I spoke with her on the phone and told her we did not have a future other than friends. She was devastated and I apologised to her for not telling her sooner but that it was better that it happened now before either of us had ended our respective relationships.

Now my question is this; my wife knows nothing about this friendship and my 'friend' lives many hundreds of miles from my home, so unless she trys to make contact with my wife there is no chance of them ever meeting, Should I confess all now to my wife and probably devastate her and possibly end our marriage. Is that fair or is that me simply dumping my guilt on to her. I am going to get some counselling to get to the bottom of my behaviour and look at the reasons that may have brought it about. My feeling for now is to rebuild my marriage quietly without confessing and deal with my own issues with help.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

unconnected said:


> I am going to get some counselling to get to the bottom of my behaviour and look at the reasons that may have brought it about. My feeling for now is to rebuild my marriage quietly without confessing and deal with my own issues with help.


I think it's very commendable that you have come to your own realization , and decided to seek counseling.
I also think that it's good that you want to work on your marriage to rebuild it and make it stronger.
A good place to start is by confessing your past indiscretions to your wife. 
She is the person you cheated on.
Also , there is no guarantee that the other woman would not try to contact her in an effort to blackmail you.


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## marriageindia (Jan 17, 2013)

you are yourself a very mature person and i think you are now on the right track. It is really wise and also morally correct to return to your wife and family.


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## Honest opinion (Dec 14, 2012)

Dear OP,I think you made a great choice and chose the women you spend all your life with,all it's ups and downs.your on the right path seeking councelling but in my opinion wait alittle and don't confess to your wife now,I mean god knows how her reaction is going to be towards the whole thing,maybe she will think oh just cuz you where sick you want me back and realize the mistake you were about to do,and she might get upset and cause more problems,wait at least your bonding with your wife is so strong again before you bring it up,good luck


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Confess. To wait will only be torture on you and its best she find out from you rather then someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay...

Scenario 1: You don't tell. She never finds out. Win.

Scenario 2: You do tell

Result one: She divorces you. Loss (perhaps deserved)

Result two: she is hurt but you get over it. You need to eat crow for many years but you are getting help and she's watching you so...half win

Scenario 3: You don't tell. She finds out. She will now question EVERY SINGLE THING you've said and done for the last 30 years. She will feel like a fool and will be less likely to forgive you. 

Come clean.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

JCD said:


> Okay...
> 
> Scenario 1: You don't tell. She never finds out. Win.
> 
> ...


I want to add something to this one. Can you live with your conscience if you don't tell her? Also I suspect your behaviour will have your wife feeling something isn't right and the lack of peace of mind (even thought she doesn't have a clue what the issue is) will negatively affect her and she will effectively be tortured, confused and unhappy. I get the impression your marriage is in difficulty anyway and so the stress of you hiding the affair will leak out of your very pores and your wife will be able to feel something just isn't right. 

So, even if your wife never finds out - it is not a simple win.

That said, I'm in agreement with JCD - Come Clean.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Also, this is your second emotional affair with this woman. Please be aware that if you continue contact with her, even as "just friends" , that you will keep going through this cycle with her over and over and over again until you completely destroy what is left of your marriage. No contact with the other woman unless/until you divorce your wife. There's no room in your already badly struggling marriage for a third party. And it's an insult to your wife and your marriage to pretend to be just friends with someone you've had two affairs with already.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You got away with it the first time, which made it seem less of a sin the second time. The second time was something of a pyschological rehearsal for leaving the wife, who you now have decided you want to keep around. 

Whether to confess or not is a serious question that I think you should hold off on until you've talked to the counselor and gotten some preparation for. It would be irresponsible of anyone to tell you what to do without knowing a whole lot more about your situation and your wife's health and state of mind.


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## unconnected (Oct 7, 2012)

Thanks for all of your helpful advice. I will respond to some of the points made:-

There is a work/professional connection with my 'friend'. Yesterday she contacted my employer in order to bad-mouth me and suggest I had led her on and mis-used my professional position. She provided full details of our relationship. Fortunately I had anticipated this and had the forethought to reveal everything to my boss the day before so she was prepared. She is angry with me for getting myself into such a pickle but also very supportive. She has organised my councelling and my company will be paying for it as they believe it may in part be work-related; too much work etc. Anyway I have had to agree to cut all contact with her and she has been told that my company are dealing with any professional issues but essentially it is not a work matter and we were both adults.

I don't think guilt will be an issue, it wasnt last time so I can live with myself without being tortured if I don't confess. If anything my wife may wonder why I am now happier and more fun to be with because this whole experience has been very stressful and I am so relieved it is over. The time off with sickness really made me see everything in perspective and how much I really value my marriage and my family.

I think for now I will follow the advice about first having some counselling and hope that my 'ex-friend' will not do anything further. She has as much to lose as me by doing so as she has two young children and is very dependent on her partner who is a 'house-husband' and without hims she wouldnt be able to work. It would also damage her own position at work if it were known that she has been involved with a married man with four children. I will take the risk for now and then once I have straightened my own head out decide how much if anything I am going to confess to.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Confess to your wife AND her partner, (and your adult children too). They have every right to know the truth, and should have the right to make decisions about the future of their marriage/partnership with all the relevant information. By not confessing you are still protecting the OW. 

Be sure to confess to both affairs. Be completely honest, write down every detail, share any emails, texts.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Wow, after reading your last post I kinda hope she does contact your wife. Can you at least try to imagine how you would feel if you were in your wife's position? Where's your integrity? Did you lose that with you honor and faithfulness?


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

I do think you should confess to your wife and the OWH. Your XOW is hunting for revenge, so it's better to close off the holes in your armor and give her something else to deal with.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

unconnected said:


> Thanks for all of your helpful advice. I will respond to some of the points made:-
> 
> There is a work/professional connection with my 'friend'. Yesterday she contacted my employer in order to bad-mouth me and suggest I had led her on and mis-used my professional position. She provided full details of our relationship. Fortunately I had anticipated this and had the forethought to reveal everything to my boss the day before so she was prepared. She is angry with me for getting myself into such a pickle but also very supportive. She has organised my councelling and my company will be paying for it as they believe it may in part be work-related; too much work etc. Anyway I have had to agree to cut all contact with her and she has been told that my company are dealing with any professional issues but essentially it is not a work matter and we were both adults.
> 
> ...


She apparently doesn't seem to be thinking about what she has to lose if she went to your boss. If your coworkers know, even just one of them, there is a high chance that your wife will eventually discover this.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think your wife has a right to know so she can also be a participant in affair-proofing your marriage if she decides to stay with you...but there is that risk that she will leave, so only you can decide what is best. We just offer advice.

You see, the OW wants you for her partner. You have had 2 affairs with her & promised her a life together. She probably will try to get you back. It will be difficult for you to resist the temptation.

However with your wife, if she is supportive, the two of you can work together to keep her away from you. Your wife can provide you with strength and support.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow. I had a whole bunch of stuff typed out but deleted it because this thread isn't worth getting banned for.

I sure hope the OW does go to your wife. Your poor wife. Living a complete and utter lie and has no idea


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm all for confessing...

Secrets have a way of slowly eroding the connection of any relationship...if you have any conscience at all...this will eat you up inside....it would be nice to turn a switch and wash away in the ocean our wrongs to someone we love... but it rarely works this way...no amnesia....... hurtful secrets carry a power with them -if we are alive unto our emotions & want to make it right......you have trouble looking yourself in the mirror....

Now .. some people would rather NOT know... I am not this type...if a man kept this from me, and I found out after the fact, I'd want to crucify him.... I'd never trust him again. Beings you burned this woman twice...and if she knew you was married to boot... well, what kind of scruples does she have, to think she will keep your secret.... I wouldn't count on that one. 

Is your wife the type...if you came to her humbly, open, sorrowful and spilled all of this before her...how do you feel she would respond after wanting to beat you up? Make no mistake, she will remember this moment the rest of her life....

But ultimately YOU coming to her ON your own...because you made a horrendous mistake , you betrayed her & you'd give anything to take it back..and make it right....if she sees and feels your heart in this, might have kiss her feet for a year ++ but this is the right thing to do. The honorable thing to do. No marriage is perfect...but people who Love each other can find forgiveness. Even in this. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

unconnected said:


> I don't think guilt will be an issue, it wasnt last time so I can live with myself without being tortured if I don't confess.


 I do predict you will fall into something like this again...beings you do not struggle with a guilty conscience when you "go over fences", your heart pining for another... it doesn't eat you up that your wife feels you have been faithful & true. 

This is a very bad sign.. better a man who couldn't live with himself and was driven to confess his wrongdoing... This is why I have more compassion on honest people ..over those who lie & hide their sins -feeling they are sparing me.. NO... they are only sparing themselves...and their almost "lover".


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

1 - You are susceptible to affairs. It will happen again because you "got away" with it.

2 - Your girlfriend WILL contact your wife. She contacted your employer and that was a warning shot across your bow.

3 - There is something missing in your marriage that you sought out from your girlfriend. What it is may come out in your counseling, but unless your wife participates in resolving/addressing what is missing, you will just move on to another affair.

Tell your wife. prepare yourself for a sh!tstorm. get EVERYTHING out at the same time, including that you are only talking to her about this now because you are afraid she will find out from your girlfriend.


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