# Afraid I'm Repeating My Mistakes



## hurtnohio

Hello all,

It's been a while. Just as an update, my divorce was final in January. I've been breathing a sigh of relief ever since. My ex has found a new boyfriend, and she's already introduced him into our son's life. I am not crazy about it, and I've discussed this wit her in front of my son's counselor, and I'm going to be meeting this guy soon. I couldn't care less about the relationship the two of them have; I hope they live happily ever after. But I am VERY concerned about him meeting my son so soon. I'm keeping a very wary eye on this.

But that's not the purpose of this post.

I have also started dating again. I've been out with maybe four women, and three of them have been nice, polite first dates where you give each other a polite hug at the end of the night, go your separate ways and don't have any more dates. And that's OK. Not every date is going to work out.

But then there's the gal I ended up dating. Almost from the beginning, we had chemistry. We had similar outlooks on life. I enjoy intelligent conversation, and this lady has a Master's Degree and works in a very challenging field. She does very well at it. And part of her job includes investigations, so she's a keen observer of human behavior. She's wicked smart. And she's gorgeous to boot. She's the kind of woman who is sexy without being ****ty; sexy and classy at the same time. 

We've dated a few months now, and I'm starting to see a few things that worry me. And since I'm still struggling to learn the lessons I need to learn from my failed marriage, I'm afraid I'm repeating some of my past mistakes.

As an aside, I'll say that a counselor I had for a while warned me that I'm attracted to troubled women, and we need to figure out why.

So here are some anecdotes that have me concerned:

She will often take on a spacey, almost trance-like appearance and become very incoherent. She'll blurt out things that make no sense whatsoever. (Like she'll ask me why my face reminds her of her dog's or similar weird stuff) Once these episodes start, she'll suddenly say she's going to bed. Even at 5 in the afternoon. And she'll often sleep for hours. But then she'll get up at 3 AM and decide she needs to clean the floors in her house.

I've asked her to get medical help, but she's so far refused.

But when she wakes up, she'll seemingly be her sharp-witted, incredibly articulate self. Except she insists on cleaning the floors at 3 AM.

She's a self-made woman and she is very proud of that fact. She does have a nice house, that she bought on her own after her own divorce 3 years ago. 

One night, she admitted to me that she had dated a guy about 6 months prior to me who smoked marijuana, and she and he got high in her living room one night. When I told her I had a very serious problem with that, she became very defensive. I told her that what she did in her own house was her business, but that I had a son to be worried about (she's smart enough to know that my son shouldn't be brought into this relationship until we've been together a while). She got sarcastic and asked me why I would think she's even want to meet my son because he's sometimes snotty with me over the phone. I almost left on the spot, but she apologized. But then she pointed all around her house and said, "How dare you question my responsibility, when I have all THIS?"

After a period of intense discussion, she did say she agreed with me that smoking pot was not the healthiest choice she could have made, and that this was one of the reasons she dumped that boyfriend.

She's had some minor flooding in her basement, and I suspected it had to do with drainage (or lack thereof) outside her house. So when I heard a thunderstorm approaching this past summer, I went outside and stood near the storm drain to see if I could get a feel for how the water was moving during a heavy rain. I told her I was going out back to watch the drain. About 10 minutes into the storm, she showed up, soaking wet, completely disheveled, and screaming at me about why would I leave her without telling her. I was so dumfounded, I didn't know what to say. She kept yelling at me and finally said, "F**k you!"

I almost walked out the door that very moment, but she apologized and said that she was just scared. She said that she had abandonment issues from her mother's abusive behavior, and she promised to get counseling for her issues. She did see a counselor for a couple of months, and after opening up quite a bit, she seemed to have come to some resolution about some stuff.

A couple of weeks ago, she went on a trip with me. Once she got home (I was still on the road for business, so I was still in my hotel), she acted very agitated with me. I kept asking what was wrong, and she said it wasn't me. She said it was "The knowing look" earlier that day. Huh? She said a flight attendant at the airport that morning before we went our separate ways looked at me with a "come hither" look, and that she was upset about it because the flight attendant "wanted me." I don't even remember the flight attendant in question. I certainly don't remember any "come hither, knowing looks."

I tried to lighten the mood a bit. I have a travel mug I love to carry with me on trips. I said maybe the flight attendant was admiring my mug. Later that night, my girlfriend texted me a picture of a wrap she printed up on her computer that says, "Coffee makes me poop!" She said I could wrap that around my mug so my coffee mug wouldn't be so sexy. I had a good laugh and yet....the whole thing seemed a bit off to me.

On Thanksgiving Day, we ate alone because she doesn't have contact with her family and this was the year for my ex to have our son on T-giving. She ate about 3 bites, then grew weepy over her late sister (who died about two years ago), and decided to go to bed. I tried to encourage her to talk about her sister, but she said she just wanted to sleep. I spent the rest of Thanksgiving afternoon in front of the TV, wondering what the hell I should do. To help her. And maybe to protect myself. 

This past Saturday, she was telling me about a new, George-Foreman-type grill she had purchased at Macy's. She said she had already cooked Chicken Picatta on it. One of our inside jokes is that she is such a good cook. She's really a genius in the kitchen. And she often calls herself an "overachiever." When she was telling me about her Chicken Picatta, I laughed and said something like, "We mere mortals would have just cooked a hamburger to break in our grill, but you go straight to the Chicken Picatta." She said she felt like I was calling her pretentious. I apologized and said I was only joking about her tendency to be an overachiever in the kitchen. I said pretentious is the last thing I'd call her. We basically moved on and had a good day together.

On Sunday morning (at precisely 1:53 AM, when I was asleep in my bed), she texted me that she wanted to talk about Chicken Picatta.

When I finally responded with an "OK," at around 7 AM, she said that I was making her out to be a snob and she didn't like being criticized. I replied, "I'm sorry my words hurt you." She told me she wasn't going to accept my apology unless I could tell her why it had hurt. I told her honestly I couldn't. She said I made her out to be pretentious, and she doesn't care a thing about pretense, and then she canceled a get-together we had planned on Monday.

We talked last night and tried to come to an understanding, but she started blaming me of trying to make her take the blame for everything. She said that my taking offense to her cancelling the trip was my way of making her "hide her feelings in the marshes," while she's always been empathetic to my feelings. The more the conversation went, the weirder (to me, at least) it got. I almost told her that I wanted to end things right now, but I can't quite bring myself to do it.

Here's why.....

When she's "on," there is no one who is funnier, more with it, more intelligent and sexier than this woman. She gets me on a lot of levels that I don't even get myself. She has been there for me to cry on her shoulder. We've laughed and cried and loved together. When she's in her right mind, there's no one I'd love to be with more.

But when she starts getting jealous of "knowing looks" in the airport, or when she rejects my concerns about her previous drug use by showing me the house she's been able to afford because she's good at her job, or when she yells "F**k you" when I'm trying to help figure out why her basement gets flooded......I have visions of the scarier times with my ex wife.

I actually thought the other night that if I continue seeing this woman, I might actually have to apologize to my ex wife for leaving her. Because in some ways, this new person is even more over-the-top.

I understand that I may seem self-serving here. I'm only presenting my side of the story. But any TAM long-timers here know that I at least TRY to tell it like it is. We all have biases and preconceptions, but I TRY to be as objective as I can be.

I want to think that things with the new woman will work out. Because when we're close, I have feelings of closeness with her that I used to think were only in fair-tales. But when we seem to slip off the rails together, things get very strange in a hurry.

Please tell me if you think I'm the problem here. If this is salvageable and if I'm just an ******* who needs to get his act together, that would actually be a relief to me, because then I'd have something to work with. But I'm not completely sure that's it.......

But I'm fearful that I'm repeating some of my past mistakes by ignoring some red flags because I'm feeling attached to her......


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## pidge70

Run....seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi

Based on the examples you provided this woman is a mental case.


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## TheGoodGuy

Hormones off a bit? Bi-polar? I say that because my ex would have strange mood swings at random times. I began to refer to it (to my IC not in front of her) as "fifty shades of Ex". But depending on the day it would literally change hour by hour and minute by minute. The strange thing is how "normal" she was the first couple of years, and then it went downhill from there. She refused to get any real help as well.

So maybe a therapist that can prescribe meds is in order to help balance hormones?


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## Johnconrad

Hurt,

Run

Fast.


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## Openminded

I don't know whether you really are repeating your mistakes or not but she's not for you. She has some serious issues going on. 

Move on.


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## Catherine602

The first thing that may help is to figure out why you did not end this relationship the first time she exhibited abnormal behavior. It's good that you realize that there is a pattern. You can't reflect and get better while in a chaotic relationship. She has a diagnosis and she knows what it is but she has not chosen to share that with you. That means there is no real connection because you don't know who she is.


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## GusPolinski

pidge70 said:


> Run....seriously.


For reals.


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## EleGirl

Yes you are repeating the mistakes from your past relationship. But it might not be the mistakes you are thinking of.

The mistake you are repeating is that your gf has done many things that are of concern. some of them are abusive. But you are still there. This is how a person gets sucked in to a bad, abusive relationship. they keep excusing away things that they should run from.

I'm with the others. End this relationship. Every minute you spend with this woman is a minute that you cannot spend looking for a not-crazy, hot, intelligent woman who you can have a good relationship with.


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## SamuraiJack

Hmmmmm...lemme guess here.

Master's in social work...works for social services.
Investigates child abuse and neglect.
Is really good at it because she is just as damaged as they are.

Places unreal expectations on herself, doesnt like animals and has a three different bottles of diet pills from TV...and the makeup sex is incredible!

Son, you are either dealing with a functional borderline personality or a dissociational personality.

I think it would be best to excuse yourself from rescueing this "fair maiden".


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## hurtnohio

SamuraiJack said:


> Hmmmmm...lemme guess here.
> 
> Master's in social work...works for social services.
> Investigates child abuse and neglect.
> Is really good at it because she is just as damaged as they are.
> 
> Places unreal expectations on herself, doesnt like animals and has a three different bottles of diet pills from TV...and the makeup sex is incredible!
> 
> Son, you are either dealing with a functional borderline personality or a dissociational personality.
> 
> I think it would be best to excuse yourself from rescueing this "fair maiden".


Not exactly....

Master's is in history. Not related to her job, but she had the focus and smarts to actually get a Master's...which is something I never did.

She works for a large corporation. She investigates fraud and theft (both internal and external).

No diet pills I know of, but she has revealed a past history of anorexia. She says she's past that now that she's older. But she's also introspective enough to say you never completely get past eating disorders and she must constantly watch that her relationship with food doesn't become unhealthy.

One thing that's kept me around so long is that she has moments of self-reflection when she seems to get it. After the "F you!" in the rain, she apologized and promised never to say that again to me. After going ballistic when I questioned her about her drug use, she eventually apologized and agreed that illegal drug usage is a deal-breaker.

Even as I type all this, I'm realizing how lame I sound....


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## Jellybeans

Have you talked to her about how you feel? You could maybe start there. 

If you feel a nagging feeling that something is off- trust your gut. Dating is to find out if you are compatible.

Re: the weed. You emtnioned her "drug use" like she's some hardcore crack smoker. She admitted to smoking pot once - that doesn't make her the devil. 

With that said - again - how do YOU feel? Do you want to keep seeing her? If so, have at it but explain to her how she makes you feel when she does XYZ. 

Ah, relationships.


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## Jellybeans

hurtnohio said:


> I actually thought the other night that if I continue seeing this woman, I might actually have to apologize to my ex wife for leaving her. Because in some ways, this new person is even more over-the-top.


:rofl: This made me laugh.

The sleeping thing makes me wonder if she's a narcoleptic.


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## Jellybeans

SamuraiJack said:


> Master's in social work...works for social services.
> Investigates child abuse and neglect.
> Is really good at it because she is just as damaged as they are.


Eh. So anyone with a master's in social work who works with neglected children is "damaged?" I don't think so. With that said, she does seem like she's got a few screws loose.


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## Jellybeans

GusPolinski said:


> For reals.


:rofl:


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## movealong

Karpman Triangle.


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## SamuraiJack

Jellybeans said:


> Eh. So anyone with a master's in social work who works with neglected children is "damaged?" I don't think so. With that said, she does seem like she's got a few screws loose.


Not everybody...I was having what I thought was a hunch. 

However I can tell you that the field tends to attract an awful lot of people who could easily be considered "damaged".

From MY experience anyway.

Yes. I would definitely use the term "erratic".
Sort of wonder if its not a seizure type state as well.


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## lenzi

Jellybeans said:


> Eh. So anyone with a master's in social work who works with neglected children is "damaged?" I don't think so. With that said, she does seem like she's got a few screws loose.


The poster suggested that she's good at social work with neglected children _because_ she's damaged- not that anyone who works with neglected children is damaged.

It's been my experience that many therapists seem to be more screwed up than their patients.


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## SamuraiJack

lenzi said:


> The poster suggested that she's good at social work with neglected children _because_ she's damaged- not that anyone who works with neglected children is damaged.
> 
> It's been my experience that many therapists seem to be more screwed up than their patients.


...and THAT is why I no longer work in the field...:smthumbup:


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## mtpromises

I would say you are repeating a negative pattern.


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## hurtnohio

Jellybeans said:


> Have you talked to her about how you feel? You could maybe start there.


I have. More than once. A couple of times, we actually had a lot of back-and-forth. It was mutual and we seemed to come up with some agreements for making things better moving forward.

Tonight, I was open and it didn't go well. But first, a little background....

She told me at one point that the reason she thought I was calling her a "snob" was because previous boyfriends had done so. And that usually was when she ended the relationship. (As a side note, today she also sent me a humorous text in which she referred to herself as "pretentious." She was joking, but still....)

Or when she yelled "F You!" at me in the rain, she said she was seeing her mom's face when she did it; she claimed she wasn't yelling "F you" to me as much as to her mom. 

So tonight I told her that sometimes, I felt a lot of anger being funneled my way because of people who had hurt her in the past. I reminded her that she thought I was calling her a snob because other boyfriends had done it, that she told me she was yelling "F You!" to her mother but instead I absorbed it, and I said I felt as if her unresolved issues regarding her sister's death stole her (my gf) from me at Thanksgiving. I tried to make it clear I didn't blame her, but I also said I deserved more in life than to be the proxy for someone else who hurt her.

She replied that SHE in turned deserved to meet my son, and if my ex-wife's new boyfriend can meet him, than why couldn't she? She said I had made her invisible.

I think this is a textbook example of two people talking PAST each other without really hearing each other......



> Re: the weed. You emtnioned her "drug use" like she's some hardcore crack smoker. She admitted to smoking pot once - that doesn't make her the devil.


Well, she also told me she did LSD in college. While she says she wouldn't touch that crap now, she does seem kinda proud that she wanted the strongest stuff out there. She said that some was made with rat poison and others without; she also sought out the stuff with the rat poison in it.

She claims there's a certain amount of LSD that will drive a person insane. I don't know if that's true, but she claims she took three times that amount.

And it's odd....even though she doesn't touch the stuff now, she doesn't tell the story with the attitude of "Wow, I'm lucky to be alive!" It's more like, "Well of course I did LSD in college...didn't everyone?"

And for someone who was allegedly a hard-core LSD user at 19 to supposedly be drug-free for two decades and to smoke pot at age 42 because of peer pressure from a date? Not sure what think about that.....



> With that said - again - how do YOU feel? Do you want to keep seeing her? If so, have at it but explain to her how she makes you feel when she does XYZ.
> 
> Ah, relationships.


I really love her and care for her. But at the same time, I'm kinda afraid of her. I'm not sure who's got the worst issues, but I do think this; I'm not sure we're healthy for each other.


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## gulfwarvet

Wow..... this woman is delusional -schizophrenia? One thing is certain hang around with this woman long enough and you will go nuts-believe me I know.


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## Satya

My personal opinion... 

A few months worth of a relationship is too brief to be introducing children, especially if they are under say 15. Also, she is telling you what is fair and right about a situation she has no say in or control over. I would indeed call that behavior "pretentious." 

Like others, I'd recommend running. It sounds like there is too much unresolved healing she really needs to do and you cannot help her.


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## arbitrator

She is giving you a "free sample" of what married life would actually be like with her ~ she seems to be a "problem child" all on her own accord!

I'm greatly inclined to agree with your counselor in that you do seem to be attracting nice, but troubled women! I think that I'm perhaps in the same boat as you are and I know exactly how you feel.

I would "lose" this gal with all deliberate speed and work with your C in trying to find out why it is that you are attracting these types of women!


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## Catherine602

Brother, I worry about you. It has to be unhealthy to listen to what she said and not feel compelled to end the relationship. Here you are repeating old patterns. She revealed that she has poor judgement, projects negativity from past experiences and is open to drug use. She also wants to meet your child for reasons that make no sense to me. 

The pattern you are repeating is that you formed an intimate relationship with a fantasy person. You met and fell in love with what you hoped she would be. Then you ignore all evidence to the contrary. I think you are afraid that you will not meet someone that fulfills most of your requirements for a good LTR so, you create them.

Take a leap of faith and let this woman go. Date at lest 10 women before getting into a serious relationship with anyone. You'll acquire the ability to reject crazies and get to know sane women. You will also see that you don't have to settle on someone unsuitable as if they were the last woman on earth. 

There are many woman that you will meet and somewhere in that group will be someone for you. You will be what she is looking for too. Wouldn't it feel good to be loved for who you really are?


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## hehasmyheart

She will not be a good match for you. She sounds crazy, and full of drama.

Let her go, but be careful. I'd say try to detach little by little over some period of time. She sounds unstable, and she may not handle a sudden rejection well.

You might even consider making her want to be the one who ends it with you, to be on the safe side.


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## hurtnohio

I hear what you all are saying. But I do have a few questions:

1) Could her sleep disorder (whatever it is) be the cause? She rarely gets more than 3 hours of sleep a night. She says she only sleeps well when I'm around; since she lives alone, she says she's afraid to sleep too deeply in case someone breaks in. I've read that screwed up dopamine can do weird things.

2) I don't want to be "that guy" who comes on here portraying himself as the victim. I'm sure I've done some thought less and insensitive things. For example, in September I forgot her birthday. In my defense, I was in the process of putting my father in a nursing home because of Alzheimers, but I still forgot. But you know what? She was completely understanding of my oversight.

In the case of the "F you" in tbe rain, she claimed she hadn't heard me tell her I was going out back. She said she had wondered the whole house calling my name loudly and I hadn't responded. I never heard her, but I can see how that might cause fear. I don't think I deserved an "F you!", but I can understand her fear.

How does one tell the difference? How can you tell the difference between normal disagreements that will happen from time to time and crazy or abusive behavior?

I don't want to come off as trying to appear perfect. I'm not. I've never cheated and even when angry I always try to respect her as a person. But I know I'm not perfect and I'm sure I've given her reason for anger at times.


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## I'llUseMyEars

You are defending her right to treat you poorly and with disrespect.

No one deserves the "f you" attitude, whether single or married.

That in itself would have made me drop her. She has no reason to change, she can treat you badly and you still hang around. Her sleep pattern is none of your concern. She needs to be the one to seek an answer for it, not you.


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## 3Xnocharm

hurtnohio said:


> I hear what you all are saying. But I do have a few questions:
> 
> 1) Could her sleep disorder (whatever it is) be the cause? She rarely gets more than 3 hours of sleep a night. She says she only sleeps well when I'm around; since she lives alone, she says she's afraid to sleep too deeply in case someone breaks in. I've read that screwed up dopamine can do weird things.
> 
> 2) I don't want to be "that guy" who comes on here portraying himself as the victim. I'm sure I've done some thought less and insensitive things. For example, in September I forgot her birthday. In my defense, I was in the process of putting my father in a nursing home because of Alzheimers, but I still forgot. But you know what? She was completely understanding of my oversight.
> 
> In the case of the "F you" in tbe rain, she claimed she hadn't heard me tell her I was going out back. She said she had wondered the whole house calling my name loudly and I hadn't responded. I never heard her, but I can see how that might cause fear. I don't think I deserved an "F you!", but I can understand her fear.
> 
> How does one tell the difference? How can you tell the difference between normal disagreements that will happen from time to time and crazy or abusive behavior?
> 
> I don't want to come off as trying to appear perfect. I'm not. I've never cheated and even when angry I always try to respect her as a person. But I know I'm not perfect and I'm sure I've given her reason for anger at times.


Really? Why are you looking for excuses? Go back and read your own posts. The woman is nuts and you are wasting your time.


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## Rowan

From experience, I know how hard it can be when you're in the middle of a situation to recognize how dysfunctional things are. You're wondering what's normal, what's not. You're introspective enough to know each person contributes to the relationship dynamic, so you're aware that you're not perfect either. You're thinking that perhaps if you were better or different or more or less....something....then these "little" things wouldn't bother you so much, might even not exist at all. You're thinking that someone you care about is, surely, deserving of the benefit of the doubt.

But, here's the thing: Would you want your best friend, son, father, or brother in the relationship you're in right now? 

We're aware that we don't have the whole story from both sides. But we're also aware - as you cannot be in this case - that it doesn't matter. The things that are going on in your relationship are not normal or healthy. I'm not saying that she's a bad human being. I'm saying that she's apparently not capable right now of being a good partner. And it is not only not your job, it's also not within your abilities, to "save" or "fix" or "help" her be healthy when she's clearly not working on doing it for herself.

You can not fix or change or save her. 

Believe it. It's the truth.


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## Lone Shadow

"You may be right, I may be crazy. Oh but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for."

Sorry to say, I don't think you can run fast enough.


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## IWantGreatMarriage

After reading your post, am struggling to understand what's so great about this woman.
RUN!!!


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## ButtPunch

IWantGreatMarriage said:


> After reading your post, am struggling to understand what's so great about this woman.
> RUN!!!


My guess is she's good looking and makes good money. 

Otherwise he would have already left.


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## ThreeStrikes

ButtPunch said:


> My guess is she's good looking and makes good money.
> 
> Otherwise he would have already left.


Yep. And she's a project he wants to fix.


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## hurtnohio

ThreeStrikes said:


> Yep. And she's a project he wants to fix.


I'm a little uncomfortable with the tone of the last couple of comments; not necessarily the content, but the tone. By referring to me in the third person, this is starting to feel like members on here are gossiping about me amongst themselves rather than addressing me.

These comments were posted ABOUT me in the third person and not apparently addressed to me, but this is a thread I started, so I'm going to respond anyway.

She does have a succesful career, but honestly I make more than she does. Her success at least INITIALLY led me to believe she had her act together; people who are complete social misfits don't generally have good careers. In her case, I fear she knows how to act the part of the corporate manager at work, but at home she lets the demons run free. And that should be telling all by itself.

Yes, she is attractive. But she's not a supermodel. I am attracted to her physically, but isn't that a normal feeling for someone you're dating?

I don't see her as a project. I have a lifetime project figuring out how to get emotionally healthy myself. 

I don't know how to define chemistry, but it just seemed to be there from the first time we met. Even at the time, I remember asking myself if that was a bad sign, as I've read that "instant chemistry" is often the power a borderline has to lure you in. Like that line from "Hotel California" that says, "I was thinking to myself this could be heaven or this could be hell...."

I had hoped at one point that if I just explained to her how her behavior hurt me, she'd get it and we could go back to the good times again. That should have also been a red flag; I used to spend days rehearsing to myself how to explain to my ex-wife how destructive her actions could be, vainly hoping if I were articulate enough maybe she'd get it and knock it off.

I mainly came on here to make sure I wasn't overblowing what I was seeing. I will do the right thing, but my sense of loyalty and fair play makes me want to make sure I'm not acting selfishly.

And yes, I know that taking care of myself is not acting selfishly. I know that intellectually, but I sometimes still struggle to internalize that truth.

I have my issues with codependence and I know that. But I don't want someone to "fix." And while I do want to be physically attracted to anyone I date, no physical beauty is worth enduring personal abuse.

I intend to take action this weekend. Thanks for the insight. And if you have any comments to make about me in the future, I'd appreciate if you direct them TO me instead of conversing ABOUT me in the third person.

Thanks.


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## ButtPunch

hurtnohio said:


> I used to spend days rehearsing to myself how to explain to my ex-wife how destructive her actions could be, vainly hoping if I were articulate enough maybe she'd get it and knock it off.
> 
> I mainly came on here to make sure I wasn't overblowing what I was seeing. I will do the right thing, but my sense of loyalty and fair play makes me want to make sure I'm not acting selfishly.


Explaining will get YOU know where. Women don't communicate like we do. 

I think it's time for you to get selfish.


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## 3Xnocharm

Hurt, dont take too much offense, I think some of us thought you had abandoned your thread!  

You deserve better than this woman!


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## Mr The Other

hurtnohio said:


> Hello all,
> 
> It's been a while. Just as an update, my divorce was final in January. I've been breathing a sigh of relief ever since. My ex has found a new boyfriend, and she's already introduced him into our son's life. I am not crazy about it, and I've discussed this wit her in front of my son's counselor, and I'm going to be meeting this guy soon. I couldn't care less about the relationship the two of them have; I hope they live happily ever after. But I am VERY concerned about him meeting my son so soon. I'm keeping a very wary eye on this.
> 
> But that's not the purpose of this post.
> 
> I have also started dating again. I've been out with maybe four women, and three of them have been nice, polite first dates where you give each other a polite hug at the end of the night, go your separate ways and don't have any more dates. And that's OK. Not every date is going to work out.
> 
> But then there's the gal I ended up dating. Almost from the beginning, we had chemistry. We had similar outlooks on life. I enjoy intelligent conversation, and this lady has a Master's Degree and works in a very challenging field. She does very well at it. And part of her job includes investigations, so she's a keen observer of human behavior. She's wicked smart. And she's gorgeous to boot. She's the kind of woman who is sexy without being ****ty; sexy and classy at the same time.
> 
> We've dated a few months now, and I'm starting to see a few things that worry me. And since I'm still struggling to learn the lessons I need to learn from my failed marriage, I'm afraid I'm repeating some of my past mistakes.
> 
> As an aside, I'll say that a counselor I had for a while warned me that I'm attracted to troubled women, and we need to figure out why.
> 
> So here are some anecdotes that have me concerned:
> 
> She will often take on a spacey, almost trance-like appearance and become very incoherent. She'll blurt out things that make no sense whatsoever. (Like she'll ask me why my face reminds her of her dog's or similar weird stuff) Once these episodes start, she'll suddenly say she's going to bed. Even at 5 in the afternoon. And she'll often sleep for hours. But then she'll get up at 3 AM and decide she needs to clean the floors in her house.
> 
> I've asked her to get medical help, but she's so far refused.
> 
> But when she wakes up, she'll seemingly be her sharp-witted, incredibly articulate self. Except she insists on cleaning the floors at 3 AM.
> 
> She's a self-made woman and she is very proud of that fact. She does have a nice house, that she bought on her own after her own divorce 3 years ago.
> 
> One night, she admitted to me that she had dated a guy about 6 months prior to me who smoked marijuana, and *she and he got high in her living room one night*. When I told her I had a very serious problem with that, she became very defensive. I told her that what she did in her own house was her business, but that I had a son to be worried about (she's smart enough to know that my son shouldn't be brought into this relationship until we've been together a while). She got sarcastic and asked me why I would think she's even want to meet my son because he's sometimes snotty with me over the phone. I almost left on the spot, but she apologized. But then she pointed all around her house and said, "How dare you question my responsibility, when I have all THIS?"
> 
> After a period of intense discussion, she did say she agreed with me that smoking pot was not the healthiest choice she could have made, and that this was one of the reasons she dumped that boyfriend.
> 
> She's had some minor flooding in her basement, and I suspected it had to do with drainage (or lack thereof) outside her house. So when I heard a thunderstorm approaching this past summer, I went outside and stood near the storm drain to see if I could get a feel for how the water was moving during a heavy rain. I told her I was going out back to watch the drain. About 10 minutes into the storm, she showed up, soaking wet, completely disheveled, and screaming at me about why would I leave her without telling her. I was so dumfounded, I didn't know what to say. She kept yelling at me and finally said, "F**k you!"
> 
> I almost walked out the door that very moment, but she apologized and said that she was just scared. She said that *she had abandonment issues from her mother's abusive behavior*, and she promised to get counseling for her issues. She did see a counselor for a couple of months, and after opening up quite a bit, she seemed to have come to some resolution about some stuff.
> 
> A couple of weeks ago, she went on a trip with me. Once she got home (I was still on the road for business, so I was still in my hotel), she acted very agitated with me. I kept asking what was wrong, and she said it wasn't me. She said it was "The knowing look" earlier that day. Huh? She said a flight attendant at the airport that morning before we went our separate ways looked at me with a *"come hither" look, and that she was upset about it because the flight attendant "wanted me." I don't even remember the flight attendant in question.* I certainly don't remember any "come hither, knowing looks."
> 
> I tried to lighten the mood a bit. I have a travel mug I love to carry with me on trips. I said maybe the flight attendant was admiring my mug. Later that night, my girlfriend texted me a picture of a wrap she printed up on her computer that says, "Coffee makes me poop!" She said I could wrap that around my mug so my coffee mug wouldn't be so sexy. I had a good laugh and yet....the whole thing seemed a bit off to me.
> 
> On Thanksgiving Day, we ate alone because *she doesn't have contact with her family *and this was the year for my ex to have our son on T-giving. She ate about 3 bites, then grew weepy over her late sister (who died about two years ago), and decided to go to bed. I tried to encourage her to talk about her sister, but she said she just wanted to sleep. I spent the rest of Thanksgiving afternoon in front of the TV, wondering what the hell I should do. To help her. And maybe to protect myself.
> 
> This past Saturday, she was telling me about a new, George-Foreman-type grill she had purchased at Macy's. She said she had already cooked Chicken Picatta on it. One of our inside jokes is that she is such a good cook. She's really a genius in the kitchen. And she often calls herself an "overachiever." When she was telling me about her Chicken Picatta, I laughed and said something like, "We mere mortals would have just cooked a hamburger to break in our grill, but you go straight to the Chicken Picatta." She said she felt like I was calling her pretentious. I apologized and said I was only joking about her tendency to be an overachiever in the kitchen. I said pretentious is the last thing I'd call her. We basically moved on and had a good day together.
> 
> On Sunday morning (at precisely 1:53 AM, when I was asleep in my bed), she texted me that she wanted to talk about Chicken Picatta.
> 
> When I finally responded with an "OK," at around 7 AM, she said that I was making her out to be a snob and *she didn't like being criticized. I replied, "I'm sorry my words hurt you." She told me she wasn't going to accept my apology unless I could tell her why it had hurt*. I told her honestly I couldn't. She said I made her out to be pretentious, and she doesn't care a thing about pretense, and then she canceled a get-together we had planned on Monday.
> 
> We talked last night and tried to come to an understanding, but she started blaming me of trying to make her take the blame for everything. She said that my taking offense to her cancelling the trip was my way of making her "hide her feelings in the marshes," while she's always been empathetic to my feelings. The more the conversation went, the weirder (to me, at least) it got. I almost told her that I wanted to end things right now, but I can't quite bring myself to do it.
> 
> Here's why.....
> 
> When she's "on," there is no one who is funnier, more with it, more intelligent and sexier than this woman. She gets me on a lot of levels that I don't even get myself. She has been there for me to cry on her shoulder. We've laughed and cried and loved together. When she's in her right mind, there's no one I'd love to be with more.
> 
> But when she starts getting jealous of "knowing looks" in the airport, or when she rejects my concerns about her previous drug use by showing me the house she's been able to afford because she's good at her job, or when she yells "F**k you" when I'm trying to help figure out why her basement gets flooded......I have visions of the scarier times with my ex wife.
> 
> I actually thought the other night that if I continue seeing this woman, I might actually have to apologize to my ex wife for leaving her. Because in some ways, this new person is even more over-the-top.
> 
> I understand that I may seem self-serving here. I'm only presenting my side of the story. But any TAM long-timers here know that I at least TRY to tell it like it is. We all have biases and preconceptions, but I TRY to be as objective as I can be.
> 
> I want to think that things with the new woman will work out. Because when we're close, I have feelings of closeness with her that I used to think were only in fair-tales. But when we seem to slip off the rails together, things get very strange in a hurry.
> 
> Please tell me if you think I'm the problem here. If this is salvageable and if I'm just an ******* who needs to get his act together, that would actually be a relief to me, because then I'd have something to work with. But I'm not completely sure that's it.......
> 
> But I'm fearful that I'm repeating some of my past mistakes by ignoring some red flags because I'm feeling attached to her......


I would not be worried about the pot, though you are free to be if you like. 

However, blaming her Mum not her is an issue. Blaming you for her being paranoid is a concern.

You're not repeating mistakes. You are taking note of them. Good stuff, you give the rest of us great hope.


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## pidge70

Hurt, your son already has one mentally unstable woman in his young life. Do you really want to subject him to this woman? What if she decides to treat him as she does you?


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## Johnconrad

ButtPunch said:


> Explaining will get YOU know where. Women don't communicate like we do.
> 
> I think it's time for you to get selfish.


Let me be a little more direct.

Explaining is actually ok - one time. Any more than that is approval seeking. You mentioned how you rehearsed ways to "get through" to your ex.

That is a HUGE red flag.

If you're struggling to "get through" to the other person, you are displaying a value inferior to hers.

If you weren't inferior to her, why would you be struggling to make her to understand something? Why would it be important?

This is a subtle, but incredibly important point.


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## Pam

Oh my. This woman is scary; I'm seeing pet bunnies. You need to exit the scene, but do it very carefully. I do like the thought of making her think it's her idea, though.

No way, no how, do you let your son within miles of this woman, she needs to be invisible to him. If she "sees mom's face" once, she'll "see it" again and again. This has very little, if anything, to do with her sleep problems. 

No. Just no. Back away, carefully, but back away.


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## ricky15100

*Re: Re: Afraid I'm Repeating My Mistakes*



SamuraiJack said:


> Hmmmmm...lemme guess here.
> 
> Master's in social work...works for social services.
> Investigates child abuse and neglect.
> Is really good at it because she is just as damaged as they are.
> 
> Places unreal expectations on herself, doesnt like animals and has a three different bottles of diet pills from TV...and the makeup sex is incredible!
> 
> Son, you are either dealing with a functional borderline personality or a dissociational personality.
> 
> I think it would be best to excuse yourself from rescueing this "fair maiden".


Wish I could like this a thousand times, absolutely spot on!!!!


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## ricky15100

I have a funny feeling you blew off the other dates because they were normal, and you didn't get that immediate intense chemistry that you get with unstable women, masters at mirroring and convincing you that you have the world in common. You are about to repeat history my friend


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## SamuraiJack

Pam said:


> Oh my. This woman is scary; I'm seeing pet bunnies. You need to exit the scene, but do it very carefully. I do like the thought of making her think it's her idea, though.
> 
> No way, no how, do you let your son within miles of this woman, she needs to be invisible to him. If she "sees mom's face" once, she'll "see it" again and again. This has very little, if anything, to do with her sleep problems.
> 
> No. Just no. Back away, carefully, but back away.


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