# willing to do what it takes, but what does it take?



## hopefulme (Aug 12, 2011)

I’m hoping someone can give me some advice. I feel like I’ve made the worst mistake of my life. I’ve been lurking here for a few months, and finally decided to ask for help. 

Here’s the story. Married 8 years, together 10 years. One 4-year old daughter. 5 months ago, after a couple of months of being distant and angry, my husband told me that he realized how unhappy he is in our relationship. Since then he wrote me a letter telling me about some of my traits (Love Busters and being unemployed while we had financial problems) that he’s been bothered by for the past 10 years, and yet this is the first time he’s actually communicating these issues to me. 

He asked for a separation 4 months ago, and we’ve been living together since in our condo for financial reasons. Now he’s talking about selling the condo, so that we can pay for 2 separate apartments. 

After he wrote me the letter I asked him to go to couples counselling but he refused because he said that he didn’t think it would help and that the dynamics between us would never change. He said he didn’t want to change his mind about the separation because he’d be upset with himself if he didn’t follow through on it. He has changed though. He’s started going to the gym, buying new clothes and has started going out regularly on weekends to a karaoke bar where he has been making a new circle of (mostly female) friends (thanks to Facebook I’m aware of all this). 

I did some snooping and discovered that he’s also created an online dating profile. When I asked him about this he told me that he “just met one woman and it was weird.” He said he made the profile mainly for confidence and to see if anyone would be interested in dating him. He also said that he gains a lot of confidence from going to karaoke and likes the compliments he receives for his singing (I should add that he’s going out to the bar at 10pm, after 8 years of going to bed at 10pm).

After lots of reflection, introspection and lots of reading I’ve finally “woken up” and realized that I was driving my husband away with Love Busters (selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts and independent behaviour. I was depressed following the birth of our daughter, then my mum died... and then I didn’t go back to my full-time job and just became “stuck.”

I love him. I think he’s the smartest, kindest, and most gentle man I’ve ever met and I’m ashamed of and regret my behaviour. My heart is breaking and I can’t believe I took him for granted and drove him away from me. I want to give him the space he’s asking for, and I also want to work on myself and save our marriage.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can work on saving our marriage (by myself) before he gets his mind set on divorce...?


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

Talk to him. He needs to hear: "I love him. I think he’s the smartest, kindest, and most gentle man I’ve ever met and I’m ashamed of and regret my behaviour. My heart is breaking and I can’t believe I took him for granted and drove him away from me. I want to give him the space he’s asking for, and I also want to work on myself and save our marriage." 

Also, try to get him to counseling. Tell him you realize you need to change and you want to know what to do. Good luck!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Be careful. Any expression of reconciliation from you, may be viewed with suspicion as an attempt to manipulate him back into the marriage. Tread carefully.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

She IS trying to "manipulate" him back into the marriage! LOL. Although "manipulate" might be a strong word. "Coerce" might be deemed more appropriate! lol


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Take care of yourself. If you're depressed, get some help. Start going to the gym yourself. Focus on you right now, like he's doing for himself. But you have to really mean it for you, not just for him. It took losing my ex for me to get the help I needed for depression. We may well have driven them away, but we can't go back and change it. We can only go forward.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

morituri said:


> Be careful. Any expression of reconciliation from you, may be viewed with suspicion as an attempt to manipulate him back into the marriage. Tread carefully.


:iagree:

I would say you want to work things out, but you need to work on you first...and let him know it's ok to leave.

If you love him, you have to let him go.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Time for you to be introduced to the 180 degrees rules - if you haven't been introduced already. What are the 180 degree rules? They are a set of guidelines to help you become emotionally strong to the point where you can confidently move on with your life with or without your husband. 

*WARNING* the 180 degrees rules *ARE NOT* a manipulation tool to end your husband's affair and making him want a marital reconciliation - though that often happens in many cases as a side effect.


Click *180 degrees rules* to read them and apply them.


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## Yummy2011 (Jun 1, 2011)

I have tried a few of these rules already and got an apology email within hours of implementing them. I'm not looking for reconciliation though. I'm just done giving a damn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulme (Aug 12, 2011)

Thanks for your replies.

I have been taking better care of myself. I've lost 25 pounds this year and I'm back down to my pre-baby weight. I go to yoga classes. I'm trying to dress more attractively and have started noticing that I'm getting glances from men when I'm out. I spoke with my doctor and she's put me on Wellbutrin for depression. It's 5 weeks and I think I notice a slight difference in my attitude. I'm seeing a therapist who is encouraging me to move on.

My husband arranged for a real estate agent to come over today to assess our place and tell us how much we can get when we sell. Husband wants to put it on the market in the next few weeks. A definite reality check for me.

I have read about the 180 and I really need to do it for myself. I will do it. I think I'd also like to write a letter to my husband to tell him that I recognize the mistakes that I made and my contribution to the failure of our marriage. I will tell him what I'm working on, and as advised here, I will tell him that I'm letting him go (but not sure how I'm going to do that right now). I'd also like to include an apology for screwing up so bad. I'd also like to tell him how much he means to me and how much I regret everything, but I don't want to cross the line into begging him to come back. Damn, I miss him so much.

Any thoughts?


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

hopefulme–
Regarding the letter you intend to write...please don't write it as an attempt to get him to change his mind about anything. It's a very personal, emotional and delicate subject that you either have to do for yourself or don't do it at all. If you aren't sure you can let go then you may want to wait until you actually are. Believe me, I've written this letter to my wife and, after being separated for 5 months, have discovered that it was the only thing I could do that would bring me clarity in our situation. It took me 19 times before I got it worded right, and took about an entire month of getting it to that point. I wasn't being slow, but you'll be surprised that every time you think it's ready, it's not. It's a very emotional process writing it, and a lot of that emotion actually helps you to let go further. Granted, this 'letting go' doesn't mean that you give up on him completely, but you do everything you can for yourself and yourself only. It may be preparing you for the end, it may get him to see something he isn't seeing now. But regardless, you must be firm in saying what you're willing to do for the marriage, for yourself (don't be specific in saying exactly what you're doing) and for the both of you. If he does not meet you half way it shows that he isn't willing to be your husband. And should that be the case, you must be prepared to walk in the opposite direction permanently. Marriage requires two. Ending it requires one not willing to work for it.

Secondly I would not outright apologize for things you've done. It will come across to him as being weak. This letter should be used for you to stand your ground as an individual who is deserving of a healthy relationship. Not for him to think he has an upper hand. Acknowledge faults generally, but do so in a way that reflects that you BOTH were part of the demise. Don't be too specific. Write to the point and leave it at that. The same goes for using the word 'regret'. You may want to stay away from words that bring negative thoughts about the relationship.

I can provide more insight from my own experience if needed, but again...if you are going to do this, you must do it for the right reasons and with yourself in mind at all times. Bottom line: you WANT this to work & be resolved, but it's not going anywhere unless he puts in 100% effort in as well. And you HAVE to be ready to walk away if he has no ambition to look at & fix the relationship again.


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## hopefulme (Aug 12, 2011)

lost,

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I've read a few of your threads and our stories sound similar, even the timing, although I'm still living with my spouse until I find a job. 

The letter, if nothing else will help clarify for me what happened in my marriage. I'll edit it until I'm certain I'm ready to let go. And I will write it from a position of strength, not desperation. 

I'm not sure that I agree with you about not apologizing. I think he does deserve an apology for a few things I haven't yet mentioned. For example, we faced financial difficulty last year and near bankruptcy. I was unemployed and didn't help with finances. I can't believe I was so clueless. I could've, should've got a job to help out. But I was selfish and didn't.

We have our first session with a separation mediator this week. I've asked him if he wants a divorce but he won't say. He's said that he "just wants to get through this part right now" (the separation agreement). I hate being in this limbo.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Hopeful,

I wouldn't recommend writing any letter that sums up your marriage and what has happened. Better topics would include:

Positive characteristics you see in your husband
Affirmation of your love and your desire to reconcile your marriage
A repeat of your wedding vows and your sincere determination to stand by them


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Lost-

That was excellent advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulme (Aug 12, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> Lost-
> 
> That was excellent advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I agree. Thank you.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

Absolutely welcome. Please feel free to tap my brain for thoughts or experiences regarding this. Like I said, I've been through this process and have come out stronger than ever, while realizing a lot of things I hadn't before...both about her and myself. I know it feels like the end of existence when that letter is actually sent, but at the same time it shows love to the other and to yourself more than you'll ever know. All you can do is have faith, be strong and lovingly step away.


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