# When to have that "not ready for anything serious" talk...



## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

I have only been divorced a little over a month. We were separated for 1 1/2 before that. I have been dating a little but most don't go past the 2nd date. One guy I have been seeing for months (started before the divorce was final but I was separated from my ex). We see each other maybe once a week. We have never had the "talk" but I'm pretty sure neither one of us wants anything serious (or else one of us would have brought it up, right?). 

I have reconnected with another guy I have known for many years. We have gone out on a few dates and we always have fun. He is a nice guy but I'm just not ready for a serious relationship right now. Last time I saw him he asked me if I cared if people we both know find out that we are dating. I said that I don't mind if close friends know but I don't want to go public with anything (like posting something on Facebook). I feel I need to tell him that I don't want anything serious right now. I think a lot of guys assume that women naturally want to be in serious relationships. I'm not sure that he does but I don't want any misunderstandings. 

Its not like I want to sleep with a bunch of men, I just don't want to settle down with one guy right after getting divorced. He is also divorced but it has been years for him. Is it safe to assume that neither person thinks you are in an exclusive relationship until you have that conversation? I have never had to have that conversation with a guy before. If it was a guy I met at a bar or dating website, I wouldn't care so much. The fact that we have known each other so long (and have mutual friends) complicates things.

btw, I'm still seeing the first guy which is part of the reason I'm asking.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Well...does any of this "dating" or "seeing" include sex? Because that's the real question. Are you really wanting to say you want to keep having sex with him but not exclusively? Or would you be okay with exclusive sex but you don't want friends and family to think you are "dating" anyone? What does it mean to you when you say "nothing serious"? You have to define what that means to you and then tell him. 

If you're question really is - is there a way to tell him I don't want to be sexually exclusive without freaking him out? The answer is - you won't know until you try and then be prepared for freak out.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think most people would realize that having sex doesn't mean exclusive like it may have at one time.

I think the discussion should be soon after having sex though. Maybe during the next date.

The discussion should have happened when he asked if he could let people know he was seeing you.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> I think most people would realize that having sex doesn't mean exclusive like it may have at one time.
> .


Based on threads I've seen (and instigated) here I don't think this is true. People all have very different ideas about this and you have to be explicit if you really want to know.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You can tell him that while you don't have any problem with anyone knowing you two are dating, that you are also dating other people, and don't want the relationship to be represented to others as exclusive, as if they see you out with anyone else, it will (1) be awkward and put people in a bad situation unnecessarily and (2) could harm your general reputation. 

If you've known this guy for a while, it shouldn't be an issue to discuss this with him. If it is, then maybe he will break up with you and it won't be a problem any more ;-)


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

momto2 said:


> I have only been divorced a little over a month. We were separated for 1 1/2 before that. I have been dating a little but most don't go past the 2nd date. One guy I have been seeing for months (started before the divorce was final but I was separated from my ex). We see each other maybe once a week. We have never had the "talk" but I'm pretty sure neither one of us wants anything serious (or else one of us would have brought it up, right?).
> 
> I have reconnected with another guy I have known for many years. We have gone out on a few dates and we always have fun. He is a nice guy but I'm just not ready for a serious relationship right now. Last time I saw him he asked me if I cared if people we both know find out that we are dating. I said that I don't mind if close friends know but I don't want to go public with anything (like posting something on Facebook). I feel I need to tell him that I don't want anything serious right now. I think a lot of guys assume that women naturally want to be in serious relationships. I'm not sure that he does but I don't want any misunderstandings.
> 
> ...


I'm curious - how old are your kids? I only have one that is 15 and yet I can only squeeze in 2 dates a month when I try. That is some impressive time management.

It's dangerous to assume at all. Personally I assume nothing. 

You can always ask him where does he see this going. I'd bring it up. I think the time to make expectations clear is before sex but sometimes that cat gets out of the bag so requires a bit post coitus clarification (I'm channeling Sheldon!). It can be awkward but it's only fair to them AND yourself.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Sounds like you need to be more up front and direct with what you are actually looking for. Make sure your dates know that there are more than one of them. Especially if sex is involved. I know that I personally do not like to share sex.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Twistedheart said:


> Sounds like you need to be more up front and direct with what you are actually looking for. Make sure your dates know that there are more than one of them. Especially if sex is involved. I know that I personally do not like to share sex.


:iagree: If you are seeing someone on a regular basis like you mentioned with the first guy (and you said you have been seeing him for a few months), you definitely need to have that talk with him. He might be assuming you two are getting towards being more exclusive. While you are getting cozy with another guy. Just be honest and open.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think you should have said something when he asked if it was ok to let others know you are dating. Because right now you are dating two people. 

Just tell him "I am not looking for anything serious right now." Honesty is the best policy.

It sounds like you may be sleeping with both guys.

Use protection.


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## CaptainLOTO (Nov 6, 2013)

Two things I agree with and I think both need to be present.

1. Early Honesty - first few dates & preferably before sexual activity

2. Clarity - "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" could mean so many things. Sex? Exclusivity? Public appearances? Moving toward co-habitation? Meeting each others kids - especially if they are young?

Adult dating has extra complexities and we should all be mature enough to be honest and clearly state where we're at.


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

Thanks for everyone's replies. Sorry I didn't respond sooner. I have had a rough couple of weeks. I have decided that I'm not ready to date anyone at this point. I need to go to therapy first to resolve some issues that I have had since childhood (fear of intimacy, low self esteem, etc.). Long story that I'm sure you all don't want to hear right now...I'll save that for the therapist . I think that was the reason I was dating 2 guys. I was looking for something from both of them that I wasn't totally getting from either. I have realized that I'm not that type of person and it wasn't making me feel good about myself. When I am ready to date it will be with one guy only (and a guy that actually wants to only date me). 

I let some things slide when I first started dating my ex. He never really put me first and it showed during our marriage. I'm not saying I should be first all the time but it seemed like I was 3rd or 4th (video games and his family came before me always). 

And I didn't really have time to date. I was constantly stressed out between spending enough time with my kids and dating. I also need time for myself! I'm making my kids and myself a priority from now on. Oh...and they are 16 and 11. I think they need me more than ever at this age.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm curious - how old are your kids? I only have one that is 15 and yet I can only squeeze in 2 dates a month when I try. That is some impressive time management.
> 
> It's dangerous to assume at all. *Personally I assume nothing. *
> 
> You can always ask him where does he see this going. I'd bring it up. I think the time to make expectations clear is before sex but sometimes that cat gets out of the bag so requires a bit post coitus clarification (I'm channeling Sheldon!). It can be awkward but it's only fair to them AND yourself.


This is the best post divorce re dating advice. Nothing is for sure until you clarify it. I had been dating a woman for while and thought we were exclusive. Nights at her house....nights at mine. Then I find out she is banging one other guy and dating another 2. Like did she even have a job??? She got me on the technicality of I never specifically asked her to be exclusive. I thanked her for the life lesson and moved on. You have to clarify everything....EVERYTHING


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

I think it is best to clarify everything. When do you have that talk? Before you have sex? 2 dates in? A month in? I never know when to do it. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to rush into something but I also don't want to waste my time with a guy who is sleeping around. I have to learn how to be more assertive in relationships. I never know how to ask for what I want.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm confused. I thought you wanted to know when to say you're not ready for anything serious -- I would just be honest from the get-go: that you aren't looking for anything serious.


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

I'm probably not ready for a serious relationship right now. I don't know if I'm ready to date either. I have decided to take a break from dating anyone. Guy #1....I deleted and blocked his number. I was sick of the games he was playing. I think that is why I was so attracted to him. I always seem to like guys who aren't available. That probably due to my own commitment issues. I started therapy last week. I need to resolve some issues I have from childhood before dating anyone. Guy#2...I told him that things were moving too fast. Plus I didn't think it was fair to string him along if I didn't like him as much as he liked me. He kept texting me that he couldn't stop thinking about me. I don't feel the same way.

I don't know why I thought I was ready to start dating so soon after my divorce. I think it was because I was so lonely in the last few years of marriage. I need to be okay with myself first. I think posting here made me realize that I wasn't really happy dating several men. I didn't feel good about myself. I'm not really that type of person. When I'm ready to start dating again it will be with one person only. And I will make sure to clarify things early.


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