# Sex problems



## Bejutsul (Jan 9, 2022)

Having problems with no sex in marriage, i'm and young and this is huge problem for me :// have anyone same problems?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

First, you talk to each other, tell him/her how you feel about it. You try to find solutions together. If that does not work, you can try marriage counseling, if he/she will go. If they won't go, or it doesn't help, you can always divorce, which many of us here have done when there is no change after a reasonable time and approach to improving the problem.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Where are you from .... religion an interference issue??


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## Bejutsul (Jan 9, 2022)

Married but Happy said:


> First, you talk to each other, tell him/her how you feel about it. You try to find solutions together. If that does not work, you can try marriage counseling, if he/she will go. If they won't go, or it doesn't help, you can always divorce, which many of us here have done when there is no change after a reasonable time and approach to improving the problem.


I try everything but she is just not interesed. For her 1 time pre week is ok, and i have big problem with that. I don't know, i think i'm only one step before affair


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## Bejutsul (Jan 9, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> Where are you from .... religion an interference issue??


Serbia, no :/


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bejutsul said:


> I try everything but she is just not interesed. For her 1 time pre week is ok, and i have big problem with that. I don't know, i think i'm only one step before affair


Cheating isn't the solution. It's also a terrible thing to do.


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## Bejutsul (Jan 9, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> Cheating isn't the solution. It's also a terrible thing to do.


Ok, then solution is? Divorce and destroy marriage of 10 yr, or be sad in marriage?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Bejutsul said:


> I try everything but she is just not interesed. For her 1 time pre week is ok, and i have big problem with that. I don't know, i think i'm only one step before affair


Once a week may not be spectacular, but not a sexless marriage. Especially if the sex is good. And there is NEVER a reason to cheat. Leave or stay, don't cheat.

What have you tried, specially? What have the conversations been like?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Bejutsul said:


> Ok, then solution is? Divorce and destroy marriage of 10 yr, or be sad in marriage?


Cheating destroys the marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bejutsul said:


> Ok, then solution is? Divorce and destroy marriage of 10 yr, or be sad in marriage?


Have you told her how strongly you feel about this? Can you compromise to say twice a week?


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## Bejutsul (Jan 9, 2022)

Diana7 said:


> Have you told her how strongly you feel about this? Can you compromise to say twice a week?


Yes i have try, but she ignore it


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

Bejutsul said:


> Having problems with no sex in marriage, i'm and young and this is huge problem for me :// have anyone same problems?


Instead of just assuming that she is the problem and that your only recourse is to cheat on her....have you REALLY sat back and evaluated if you are doing the things she needs in the relationship to feel sexual? 

Is she overwhelmed with house tending, does she work full time, is she also a full time mother? Does she have enough time to herself to even feel like a sexual person, instead of a 24/7 nanny, caretaker and maid? If she has no time to herself to even think....then are you willing to step in and help? Or is it just easier to go cheat?

Do you have actively date her? Do you ask for her opinions? Do you value her input? Do you try to stimulate her mind? Do you put effort into showing her that you find her to be an exciting, desirable woman, through your words and actions? If you do not, are you willing to step up your dating game? Or is it just easier to go cheat?

Have you hurt her feelings? Have you devalued her as a person by treating her more like a 'sex on demand' object? Do you need to atone for actions in the past that might have swayed how she thinks about you as a person. Are you willing to make up for that. Or is it just easier to go cheat?

Have you have disrespected yourself as a person always begging for sex, instead of learning how to be person that stands up for yourself. Maybe you are a 'Mr, Nice Guy' that she no longer respects because you have become a pushover. Are you willing to learn more about how to stand up for yourself and do the self care it takes to gain back respect for yourself? Or is it easier to go cheat?

No one can possibly answer any of this for you. The only real question is....are you willing to do the work to talk to a professional, to acquire self help information, to positively diagnose problems that might be within yourself. Or, will you just take the easy, coward way out, and go cheat?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Bejutsul said:


> Yes i have try, but she ignore it


And what did this conversation look like. Cause the pouty little dance that many men do is unattractive. Also it is self serving when it is during a time you are initiating sex. What is the current life looking like? Are there small children? How much do you both work? 

What has she told you about the other parts of your life. I find many women try to communicate things that they need or that turn them off and sometimes men don't listen or connect that with sex. If she's constantly asking for your time and attention and the only time you pay attention is when you want sex that is a turn off that type of thing.

I would instantly be divorcing you if I knew you where actually considering an affair. Whether you go through with it or not the fact that she's having sex 1/week and you think an affair is an option shows low moral value and low priority for your marriage. You say you don't want to destroy your marriage of 10 years... And you think an affair is going to improve it. Wow. Even if she never found out is just makes you of poor character.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

A sexless marriage is unacceptable. 
That said, you need to figure out WHY your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you. It’s almost a statistical certainty that she’s not simply asexual, so why doesn’t she want you?

You’re operating under the assumption that the problem is all her. Maybe it is, but that’s unlikely.
Why doesn’t your wife desire you sexually? Was it always this way, or did things deteriorate over time?

If your wife is not attracted to you and doesn’t desire you sexually, that’s in large part on you.
And it usually stems from a lack of respect for you as a man.
Are you physically fit/attractive? 
What’s the leadership dynamic in your marriage?
Are you bringing fun, flirty excitement to the relationship from a masculine frame?
Are you whiny/needy/passive in your marriage?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Once a week isn’t a sexless marriage. That you think an affair won’t “destroy the marriage” speaks to the lack of commitment you have to your marriage and the complete lack of respect you have for your wife.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Bejutsul said:


> Ok, then solution is? Divorce and destroy marriage of 10 yr, or be sad in marriage?


To fix it at both of your satisfaction and as a team. Or to divorce if there is no way to do it as a team.
Cheating is not a team oriented solution but an only individual one, so not compatible with being in a couple.
If it´s not what you have as core value of the relationship, then and perhaps that´s where part of the problem is.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Bejutsul said:


> Ok, then solution is? Divorce and destroy marriage of 10 yr, or be sad in marriage?


Yes. Better than cheating, mate. 

If you really feel as strongly as you do, seems to me the obvious solutions are 1) make your marriage better, or, 2) end it.

Before cheating or divorce, please consider having a frank discussion with your spouse about how serious you see this problem. It's so serous to you you're considering divorce. Your spouse needs to know that her partner is in a very bad place in their marriage.

Hey good luck, OP. Please talk to your spouse.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

I did write a book on the subject! *Check it out here. The Dead Bedroom Fix.*


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bejutsul said:


> Ok, then solution is? Divorce and destroy marriage of 10 yr, or be sad in marriage?


Be the better person. You divorce. Don't cheat. You'll devastate her and you'll end up hating yourself. You divorce, and don't feel bad about it. If you aren't compatible sexually then you aren't compatible. You go your separate ways.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DudeInProgress said:


> A sexless marriage is unacceptable.
> That said, you need to figure out WHY your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you. It’s almost a statistical certainty that she’s not simply asexual, so why doesn’t she want you?
> 
> You’re operating under the assumption that the problem is all her. Maybe it is, but that’s unlikely.
> ...


Once a week isnt sexless, its just not enough for him. I am sure they could compromise. Maybe to twice a week.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Bejutsul said:


> I try everything but she is just not interesed. For her 1 time pre week is ok, and i have big problem with that. I don't know, i think i'm only one step before affair





Bejutsul said:


> Yes i have try, but she ignore it


First of all, I have been in a sex starved marriage. There are many husbands who are in sex starved marriages, who would be thrilled to have sex with their wife once a week.

After my wife told me that she was never going to have sex with me, I felt like I was the victim to a frigid woman. Yes, none meant never again. I embarked on a program of introspection and learning about relationships. What I found is that I was part of the problem. She was also part of the problem, but I needed to change my behaviors and apologize to her and get her to forgive me before she could start down the path of changing her behavior and attitudes toward me.

Saying that sex only once a week is justification for an affair, is a horrible statement about you and about your view of what marriage entails. As to holding a real conversation with your wife, I doubt it has happened where she felt comfortable enough to tell you in a way that you could hear.

Since you have been married 10 years, I suggest that you and your wife get a good marriage counselor to help you talk about all the problems in your relationship and why sex once a week has become such an issue with you. You may not believe it, but your "glass is half full and not half empty." 

Good luck. There are no easy solutions, it takes lots of introspection on your part, lots of reading, lots of empathetic listening and sometimes help from a professional counselor.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Once a week isnt sexless, its just not enough for him. I am sure they could compromise. Maybe to twice a week.


How do you compromise to twice a week, when she likely doesn't even want once per week?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

manwithnoname said:


> How do you compromise to twice a week, when she likely doesn't even want once per week?


Compromising doesn't work. "FINE. If you want twice a week... I GUESS we can do that." Wow... sounds hot.

Read this: *The Dead Bedroom Fix.*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> How do you compromise to twice a week, when she likely doesn't even want once per week?


He never said she did didnt want sex once a week.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

dadstartingover said:


> Compromising doesn't work. "FINE. If you want twice a week... I GUESS we can do that." Wow... sounds hot.
> 
> Read this: *The Dead Bedroom Fix.*


Compromise can absolutely work.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Cowards cheat


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> He never said she did didnt want sex once a week.


Well, she certainly doesn't want it more.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

dadstartingover said:


> Compromising doesn't work. "FINE. If you want twice a week... I GUESS we can do that." Wow... sounds hot.
> 
> Read this: *The Dead Bedroom Fix.*


Yes, that's my point. She's already doing it more than she wants.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

How is your emotional intimacy outside of the bedroom? Do you guys hug or kiss ? Do you tell each other “I love you?” Be honest with yourself, have you let yourself go? Not saying you have to have six pack abs but if you’re a slob or not taking care yourself hygienically and physically that would kill any woman’s desire.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Also have to agree with others that sex once a week is NOT a sexless marriage. It’s leas than many husbands want but you’re still regularly having each other. We have had quite a few husbands that are having sex a couple of times a year or even less. 

You need to up your game if you want your wife to desire you more. Talking, nagging, and sulking will never work. If you really feel you have tried everything and once a week is a deal breaker, you need to divorce. Don’t commit adultery. Leave the marriage with honor not as a scoundrel.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Sex once a week under duress (e.g. duty sex or pity sex) is still something of a sexless marriage, unfortunately. Yes, the physical act has been performed, but if her heart wasn't in it, it really doesn't count. And I would avoid falling for the "do the dishes more" trick. I've never seen it succeed in all of the similar stories I've read. 

Do not have an affair. Keep your honor. Bail out of this situation if she's unable to fix it properly.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Sex once a week under duress (e.g. duty sex or pity sex) is still something of a sexless marriage, unfortunately. Yes, the physical act has been performed, but if her heart wasn't in it, *it really doesn't count*. And I would avoid falling for the "do the dishes more" trick. I've never seen it succeed in all of the similar stories I've read.
> 
> Do not have an affair. Keep your honor. Bail out of this situation if she's unable to fix it properly.


In a way this is worse than none at all. Makes you more of a bad guy if you bail.


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## hplove (Jan 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Compromise can absolutely work.


Desire doesnt work that way.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Bejutsul said:


> _*Ok, then solution is? Divorce and destroy marriage of 10 yr, or be sad in marriage?*_


I'm not your mother. Do what you want.

You act as though we should have some kind of magic answer for you and when we don't, you get angry. 

Obviously, SOMETHING happened to make your wife no longer want you. Maybe you should take more time trying to find out what that something *IS.*


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

Bejutsul said:


> I try everything but she is just not interesed. For her 1 time pre week is ok, and i have big problem with that. I don't know, i think i'm only one step before affair


Sounds to me like you are making a case for an affair. Once per week is not bad if you are raising a family, working, cleaning the house, etc. 

1. How is the sex for her??? Maybe you need to reconsider how you approach her and how you take care of her during sex?

2. Sex for a woman is (the majority of the time) a FINAL step, not the first. A woman who is happy and feels love does not avoid sex all the time. Do you help around the house? Do you say nice things to her during the day and encourage her? Do you touch her with love when you pass her (not in a sexual way)?

3. Do you schedule time together in a sexual and non sexual way?


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