# I want sex or a divorce



## Glo (3 mo ago)

I have been with my husband for almost 15 years this December. He is really good as a husband. We don't have money issues, like I'm mostly in this relationship because it gives me financial security. We have a mortgage together and a car loan. 

He does not cheat (that I know of), doesn't drink or do drug. In general is a good guy. He has let himself go and is a big guy now. He is but my main concern is that he does not want sex and even when he does is boring and basic. 

This problem has been with us for years and years. But like on 2019 I decided to leave... Talk about it a lot and took the decision to open our marriage online. I have some flirt with people online and we stay together. I think that just made matters worst as I have even less sex, I believe he thinks online sex is enough. 

We have tried therapy, he is not really into it. And I know that he won't change. I'm always thinking about leaving... But if I do would it be better? I would lose so much more than a sexless marriage. 

Fortunately we do not have children (is kind of impossible if you don't have sex and if you do he never cums). I need the strength to leave... I hae also think about opening more the marriage and been able to have sex with other people and not only online. 

I'm lost and needy, I'm still young (34)
I feel I'm wasting in this marriage 

Any recommendations? Have someone been in my position?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Gloriannys said:


> I have been with my husband for almost 15 years this December. He is really good as a husband. We don't have money issues, like I'm mostly in this relationship because it gives me financial security. We have a mortgage together and a car loan.
> 
> He does not cheat (that I know of), doesn't drink or do drug. In general is a good guy. He has let himself go and is a big guy now. He is but my main concern is that he does not want sex and even when he does is boring and basic.
> 
> ...


Does your husband know he is just a paycheck to you?

Are you in love with him?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

So your H gained weight and was probably self-conscious about it and may have played into not wanting to have sex.

You then decide to leave him and then decide again to open your marriage. 

If it's so bad divorce him.

If I were him I would be divorcing you. It's obvious why you've stuck around. It's ALL about what he provides you financially (your words "it gives you financial security").


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

sideways said:


> So your H gained weight and was probably self-conscious about it and may have played into not wanting to have sex.
> 
> You then decide to leave him and then decide again to open your marriage.
> 
> ...


Gives an idea of why she might have married him in the first place.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Gloriannys said:


> I have been with my husband for almost 15 years this December. He is really good as a husband. We don't have money issues, like I'm mostly in this relationship because it gives me financial security. We have a mortgage together and a car loan.
> 
> He does not cheat (that I know of), doesn't drink or do drug. In general is a good guy. He has let himself go and is a big guy now. He is but my main concern is that he does not want sex and even when he does is boring and basic.
> 
> ...


Many of us were or are in dead bedrooms. This happens to many women and men. My marriage ultimately ended over it.

a dead bedroom is almost impossible to fix. Others will tell you what needs to be done to fix it.

what you need to know is that there is nothing wrong with you. Don’t let anyone shame you for wanting sex from your partner. You are very young. You can easily start over and find a man that better matches your sex drive.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd say most people marry wanting financial security IN ADDITION to wanting a good, kind, and (somewhat sexually) compatible person. I'm assuming her husband was all that, and while still a good person, has gotten lazy and obese since then. How many men would put up with a wife who is both obese and a sexual dud? I know I wouldn't and would leave, but it would take time and planning to leave if SHE were the main source of income.

So, I'd say she needs to get a job or a better job, or get training or education to do so. Sure, she'd probably get alimony and an asset split and might be able to leave now, if she had good information and advice about all this.

So, @Gloriannys, talk to a lawyer and figure out how to leave. This situation isn't good for either of you, and band-aids like online sex don't work for long, if at all.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Many of us were or are in dead bedrooms. This happens to many women and men. My marriage ultimately ended over it.
> 
> a dead bedroom is almost impossible to fix. Others will tell you what needs to be done to fix it.
> 
> what you need to know is that there is nothing wrong with you. Don’t let anyone shame you for wanting sex from your partner. You are very young. You can easily start over and find a man that better matches your sex drive.


If it's dead she should have the courage to divorce him. NOT stick around because of what he provides her financially. Also NOT make the decision on her own to open the marriage.

If sex and intimacy is that important to her than she should leave him because it appears it's dead. Of course she shouldn't feel bad ending the marriage if she wants sex. I totally get that. 

Has it always been a dead bedroom?
If so why did you marry him? 
If it hasn't always been this way something is going on. Low T? Self-conscious about putting on weight? You leaving him? You opening the marriage?

If it's dead move on. You don't get to have it all (open marriage and financial security) unless he's a ****.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Gloriannys said:


> I have been with my husband for almost 15 years this December. He is really good as a husband. We don't have money issues, like I'm mostly in this relationship because it gives me financial security. We have a mortgage together and a car loan.
> 
> He does not cheat (that I know of), doesn't drink or do drug. In general is a good guy. He has let himself go and is a big guy now. He is but my main concern is that he does not want sex and even when he does is boring and basic.
> 
> ...


*I'm mostly in this relationship because it gives me financial security.
Talk about it a lot and took the decision to open our marriage online. I have some flirt with people online and we stay together. I think that just made matters worst as I have even less sex, I believe he thinks online sex is enough.
I have also think about opening more the marriage and been able to have sex with other people and not only online.*

You are what I describe as, a woman who wants to be with the good guy for support and security and to party with the bad guys you prefer to be with.
Lucky for your husband he doesn`t have children with you.
You`re 34 and still desirable to men, therefore easy for you to monkey branch and now with dating apps, social media and dating sites, cheating has never been easier especially for young women.
If you are unhappy in your marriage as you claim, then why not be upfront with your husband and leave?
Could be because at this time you don`t have a plan B and concerned you`ll lose your husband`s financial security.
You are a physical cheating wife waiting to happen according to that you have said in your post.
I can`t say any more, otherwise I`ll be banned from these forums.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’ll wait for a return post before I comment.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Have some dignity. 
Learn to stand on your own two feet and support yourself.
You basically have a Sugar Daddy without benefits.
He apparently doesn't want (or like) the benefit package.
Therefore, you should do your SD a solid, and file for divorce.
Then, after the ink dries on the paperwork, find a new SD that wants your benefit package.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

sideways said:


> If it's dead she should have the courage to divorce him. NOT stick around because of what he provides her financially. Also NOT make the decision on her own to open the marriage.
> 
> If sex and intimacy is that important to her than she should leave him because it appears it's dead. Of course she shouldn't feel bad ending the marriage if she wants sex. I totally get that.
> 
> ...


I agree with you.

I must have missed some things she posted. I saw the dead bedroom setup and my eyes went red. I can’t stand the dead bedroom stories. Especially from women. I just don’t know where these “men” are coming from. The women that set up dead bedrooms for their husbands piss me off to know end….. but I truly despise the men that do this to women. It baffles me when a low drive man somehow ends up with a regular sex drive woman or high drive woman.

of course, it’s not just me. I’ve noticed that those of us that have experienced the prison of dead bedroom tend to police our own.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I agree with you.
> 
> I must have missed some things she posted. I saw the dead bedroom setup and my eyes went red. I can’t stand the dead bedroom stories. Especially from women. I just don’t know where these “men” are coming from. The women that set up dead bedrooms for their husbands piss me off to know end….. but I truly despise the men that do this to women. It baffles me when a low drive man somehow ends up with a regular sex drive woman or high drive woman.
> 
> of course, it’s not just me. I’ve noticed that those of us that have experienced the prison of dead bedroom tend to police our own.


Please read the OP`s post in more depth.
In some words she claims it`s a sexless marriage and in other words says when her husband does want sex it`s boring and basic, therefore it is not a sexless marriage.
The OP also says he`s a good guy and then in so many words is saying she no longer finds her husband attractive, which could be why her husband is not feeling the vibes with her during sex.
She is also saying, she enjoys to flirt online and considering opening up the marriage and having sex with OTHER PEOPLE not only online, no mention of finding another relationship but rather she wants to sleep around. I`m not making this up, this is her own statement.
So will she be completely upfront with her husband regarding what she wants to do, or will she cheat behind his back living a life of deceit, deceptions and lies with him?
There is never any justification to cheat in a marriage, regardless whether it`s a husband or wife and a partner is never responsible for making their partner cheat.
Lets get a response from the OP?


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I agree with you.
> 
> I must have missed some things she posted. I saw the dead bedroom setup and my eyes went red. I can’t stand the dead bedroom stories. Especially from women. I just don’t know where these “men” are coming from. The women that set up dead bedrooms for their husbands piss me off to know end….. but I truly despise the men that do this to women. It baffles me when a low drive man somehow ends up with a regular sex drive woman or high drive woman.
> 
> of course, it’s not just me. I’ve noticed that those of us that have experienced the prison of dead bedroom tend to police our own.


Before we all get our panties in a bunch about the partner, keep in mind relationship is a 2-ways street, and we have a one-way story. The OP does not tell us how she really treats the other person or what investments she has made. There is a real chance that the OP has not been a good partner (almost sounds like a gold digger at times) and we cannot discount it.

Given the one-sided narrative, currently (my position will change if the OP gives us information to the contrary), I fully relate and empathize with the parter and not the OP. I have been in an emasculating marriage with a single-mother for 20-years (more due to cultural background) and due to the 1 daughter (now 18-years of age) I have with my Ex. The first thing that wears down is intimacy and without it sex simply becomes a chore and the drive just dissipates. For me, it came down to the point that I did not want to touch my goddamn Ex for the last 3-years; and before that there are times where I would feel my Ex was raping me during sex. So yes, women can mentally castrate you pretty easily with both actions or the lack of it. 

On one hand side they don't have kids, which is good. We don't why. If they plan not to have kids, then that could also take the drive out of sex -- you cannot simply override a deep-seated drive to procreate, a supreme force of nature/life, and then expect things to be ok. 

In any event, divorce is the only solution. It would be better for the man to get out and maybe he will find a parter who is open to having kids and a normal family.


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## Glo (3 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Does your husband know he is just a paycheck to you?
> 
> Are you in love with him?


I would not say he is a paycheck for me as I win more than him as I'm the one with a post graduated degree. I said financial stability not that I'm with him for his money. You assuming that makes you not a help but a prejudice person.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Gloriannys said:


> I would not say he is a paycheck for me as I win more than him as I'm the one with a post graduated degree. I said financial stability not that I'm with him for his money. You assuming that makes you not a help but a prejudice person.


Then why do you need him for financial security? Pay for your own car or get something cheaper, sell the house and get something smaller.

You didn't answer the question. Are you in love with him?


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## Glo (3 mo ago)

Married but Happy said:


> I'd say most people marry wanting financial security IN ADDITION to wanting a good, kind, and (somewhat sexually) compatible person. I'm assuming her husband was all that, and while still a good person, has gotten lazy and obese since then. How many men would put up with a wife who is both obese and a sexual dud? I know I wouldn't and would leave, but it would take time and planning to leave if SHE were the main source of income.
> 
> So, I'd say she needs to get a job or a better job, or get training or education to do so. Sure, she'd probably get alimony and an asset split and might be able to leave now, if she had good information and advice about all this.
> 
> So, @Gloriannys, talk to a lawyer and figure out how to leave. This situation isn't good for either of you, and band-aids like online sex don't work for long, if at all.


Thanks for not assuming, I really hate that people assumed that he is a rich guy that I'm milking. I was really looking forward to some advice and not for being shame and abuse.

Maybe my bad for looking this online, but I feel like if I talk to my family is already over.


LATERILUS79 said:


> Many of us were or are in dead bedrooms. This happens to many women and men. My marriage ultimately ended over it.
> 
> a dead bedroom is almost impossible to fix. Others will tell you what needs to be done to fix it.
> 
> what you need to know is that there is nothing wrong with you. Don’t let anyone shame you for wanting sex from your partner. You are very young. You can easily start over and find a man that better matches your sex drive.


Thanks for the kind words. I'm was sorry about reaching out for this site as everyone is assuming I'm just milking him for money. 

I'm a professional woman with 2 masters degree and a stable work. He works too. 

Two people working is more money and more security, like can I pay my mortgage by myself? Yes, but it will be hard. If I move out I'll need lots of things.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Opening the marriage to outside lovers would be a quick and easy temporary fix. 

There would be a long line of suitors all jockeying for position to be one of your side pieces and you could theoretically have a pretty endless supply of people that would be ready, willing and able to be your fck toy. 

But, at 34 years old and without kids, are you really OK with the idea living like that for the next 50 years? 

For a matter of weeks and months, yeah, you would probably have some of the hottest and bestest sex of your life and you would still be able to maintain your current financial lifestyle. 

But for how long? 

How long before you fall for one of your lovers and want to be with him full time?

How long before your husband gets disgusted with you having fun with other dudes and gives you the boot even though he doesn't really care to step up to the plate himself.

If you were 55 and your kids were grown and you were looking towards retirement and living out the rest of your days doing whatever you wanted to do, I'd say yeah sure go for it. 

But at your age, you can still be in the game for awhile. You could still get with a good looking, virile, successful guy and have a home and family if that is what you want. 

I'm going to throw out a few other things here as well. 

- if you don't want kids and family, then why even mess with being married to a fat guy that can't get it up and is not interested in trying to please you?? Just wish him well, lose the baggage and go get with whatever guy(s) that trip your trigger and do whatever you want. 

- on the other hand, if deep down you actually do want kids and a family, your window of opportunity for finding a good looking, fit and healthy and financially secure guy to raise a family with is closing rapidly and will close further with each passing day. 

Sure you can have fun with ****boyz while still maintaining mortgage payments and sharing the laundry and dishes with the fat guy, but for each day that goes by, the window of you getting with an attractive man that is also financially stable that would be interested in raising a family with you closes further by the day. 

If you do want kids and family, you need to be pulling the ejection handle and punching out NOW and getting on eHarmony by tonight!

Either way, an open marriage and lovers on the side is just a band aid and quick fix that won't last. 

If you want kids and a family, punch out now and sign up for eHarmony now. 

If you don't want kids, none of this really matters all that much and you can just do whatever you with whoever you want and if you fall for someone else or if your H gives you the boot, you can cross that bridge when you get to it.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Gloriannys,

im sorry you aren’t getting enough support here. The problem with many people is that they don’t fully understand what it feels like to be in someone else’s shoes. Many people here have no idea what the pain feels like to be in a dead bedroom. They have no clue. They don’t understand why you would be so desperate to even consider opening your marriage. I know this feeling. I fully understand. I know what it feels like to love someone and that person continues to ignore your needs to feel love in return.

I think your best course of action is to let your husband know that you all need to see a marriage counselor and sex therapist. If he is unwilling - then I don’t think there Is any reason for you to stay in your marriage.

I can tell you this: I am with no one else since divorcing my exwife. It feels much better to be alone than living in a house where my partner won’t have sex with me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Gloriannys said:


> I have been with my husband for almost 15 years this December. He is really good as a husband. We don't have money issues, like I'm mostly in this relationship because it gives me financial security. We have a mortgage together and a car loan.
> 
> He does not cheat (that I know of), doesn't drink or do drug. In general is a good guy. He has let himself go and is a big guy now. He is but my main concern is that he does not want sex and even when he does is boring and basic.
> 
> ...


Get two jobs and get a divorce. Don't count on the next man taking care of you financially though. That's not really done that much anymore except sometimes when the woman is taking care of babies. Financial security when you don't even have kids is a lazy reason to stay in a relationship.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's been decent to you, so you should divorce before you start having affairs just to leave him his dignity. And I would recommend you never get married again if the first thought that comes to your head is open marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Gloriannys said:


> Thanks for not assuming, I really hate that people assumed that he is a rich guy that I'm milking. I was really looking forward to some advice and not for being shame and abuse.
> 
> Maybe my bad for looking this online, but I feel like if I talk to my family is already over.
> 
> ...


OK I understand that but no matter how you word it or water it down or how much money you make, you are still with him for the financial support and security he brings. You are not into him sexually and he does not meet your sexual needs. 

Your choices and options are the still the same regardless of the verbiage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s more difficult for men to fake change when it comes to sex than it is for women so if you want sex I doubt it’ll be from him. Divorce is the better option.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Gloriannys said:


> I'm in love with him, I like going out and playing games with him. He knows all I do and he is my best friend.
> 
> If I did not love him I would have leave years ago. The low sex drive is not something new, it has been from the beginning. But I thought it was not problem, that it would improve and that he is good in everything else.
> 
> ...


I am that Mr Someone you have mentioned.
Sorry, but you do not love your husband and he may be your best friend but you certainly are not his friend perhaps to become his worse enemy, because if a partner truly loves their partner no one or anything could ever steal that partner away.
We are not online trolls, we`re simply saying that how you are going about your marital problems is morally wrong.
Cheating within a marriage is in my opinion in the top list of domestic abuse and should be recognised as such having been on the receiving end of a cheating spouse myself and I can tell you it`s devastating.
Nothing other than you saying you`re either try to work harder on your marriage or you will become fully independent and file for divorce is justifiable for what you are doing.
Sorry this has made you feel like poop, but perhaps this is the wake up call you need and may help you to become a better person, because trust me, no one likes cheaters.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Glo said:


> I have been with my husband for almost 15 years this December. He is really good as a husband. We don't have money issues, like I'm mostly in this relationship because it gives me financial security. We have a mortgage together and a car loan.
> 
> He does not cheat (that I know of), doesn't drink or do drug. In general is a good guy. He has let himself go and is a big guy now. He is but my main concern is that he does not want sex and even when he does is boring and basic.
> 
> ...


I’m sorry but you sound a horrible person stating that you are only with him for financial security. I would not want to be your friend let alone have sex with you! You should be ashamed.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

I’ve read through the responses but I have not seen where you talk about what does your husband say when you have talk about the issue.
Does he say he’ll dio better ? Does he say there is no issue ?
You say it’s always been this way but you thought things would get better or grow. Has he always been overweight? I’m trying to get a timeline straight in my head. Is he around the same age as you?
Just wondering if there are mental things going on with him that interfere with sex for him. Or if he has performance issues and doesn’t want to deal with it.
Because stress, and performance issue and being overweight can be a recipe for no sex.

Hard to give advice by what you have posted so far.
But honestly, I do not think having open marriage is a long term fix. It’s like a band aid.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Glo said:


> I have been with my husband for almost 15 years this December. He is really good as a husband. We don't have money issues, like I'm mostly in this relationship because it gives me financial security. We have a mortgage together and a car loan.
> 
> He does not cheat (that I know of), doesn't drink or do drug. In general is a good guy. He has let himself go and is a big guy now. He is but my main concern is that he does not want sex and even when he does is boring and basic.
> 
> ...


I would like to complement you on your understanding of the basics of your situation and your trying counseling.

At your age, it would be horrible to be locked into a loveless marriage for the rest of your H's life, which will likely be shorter than yours. 

One of the things that is happening more and more with obese men is called Metabolic Syndrome. In men, with large amounts of belly fat, that fat actually converts testosterone into estrogen and destroys their sex drive. It often includes Type 2 diabetes, which can cause circulatory problems including erectile dysfunction. Other problems can include loss of muscle mass, loss of bone density, and heart disease. 

You might want to see if you H has the courage to address any medical issues that may be causing his sexual dysfunction.

You should really read M.W. Davis book the sex starved wife, as she offers you suggestions, and self help advice.

Since you have tried counseling, opening your marriage on-line, and other things. It is not likely to change, unless you H wants it to change. You can't force him to change, but you can draw lines on the behaviors you will allow yourself to accept.

Good luck.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Glo said:


> I need the strength to leave... I hae also think about opening more the marriage and been able to have sex with other people and not only online.


Let me put it this way - opening the marriage will likely give you the belief that can leave without repurcussion. If you hit the outside sex market, hot sexy guys will be promising you the moon and stars. 
Some will be even more financially successful than your husband and will be promising you caribbean cruises and skiing in the Alps and nude beaches in the Mediterranean. 

BUT, you need to keep in mind the guys that will be flocking to you are the guys that like to **** other people's wives. Most won't wont you full time as an actual partner. They will say whatever they need to in order to get in your knickers but actually delivering on those long term promises is a whole other story. 

So what I am getting at is you are contradicting yourself in whether you should leave or whether you should seek sexual entertainment elsewhere as they are two completely different things for two different purposes. 

If you open the marriage to other lovers, then the role those lovers serve is actually to keep you *IN *the marriage. 

And those guys would not be marriage material because if they were in the market for marriage, they would be getting with single chicks. The guys that would be flocking to a married woman to be her sex toy are guys that specifically DON'T want a full time permanent partner. ..... Even though they will promise the sun and moon. 

So, having good looking, successful guys promising you the moon in bed will in fact make you feel emboldened.

But, if you believe those particular guys, then you are a fool and a chump. 

So again it comes down to your ultimate goal. 

If your ultimate goal is to remain in the marriage with your current H indefinitely, then get the lovers on the side and ride that trail as long as the rails will take you. 

But if ultimately, what you really want is a full service marriage with a fit and healthy guy that desires you and pleases you and to have a home and family rather than a house and mortgage - then you need to bail out now. 

If your ultimate goal is home and family with a marital sex life, then the open marriage and outside lovers will just be a delay and a time and energy waste and will just make you older and less desirable to a decent guy when you do make the break away.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Glo said:


> So I do love him, and I have tried to take him to a marriage counselor, a personal psychologist and so*. But he won't do anything unless forced*. I suppose is all my fault as this people are saying, I'm the one taking advantage of a good person because I look at 15 years of my life and say: would you really waste that?


No, I don't believe it's your fault at all. If he knows your suffering and does nothing about it, you have every right in the world to open up the marriage, leave the marriage, or plan divorce him. At the very least, he should have gone and got his hormones checked years ago. When my wife complained to me about not having enough sex, I did what I had to do to shore up that aspect of the marriage. He seems lazy and content; people get like that when they're comfortable. You have to shake things up for change to happen.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Have you discussed with your husband that you actually want to open up your marriage to include going out and having sex with other men ?


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Glo said:


> I have been with my husband for almost 15 years this December. He is really good as a husband. We don't have money issues, *like I'm mostly in this relationship because it gives me financial security*. We have a mortgage together and a car loan.
> 
> *He does not cheat* (that I know of), doesn't drink or do drug. In general is a good guy. He has let himself go and is a big guy now. He is but my main concern is that he does not want sex and even when he does is boring and basic.
> 
> ...


You list his qualities and the first one is that he doesn't cheat, but then talk about how you want to open the marriage up. Don't you realize the hypocrisy? I think you should spend more time looking in the mirror and self-reflecting.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Glo said:


> I have been with my husband for almost 15 years this December. He is really good as a husband. We don't have money issues, like I'm mostly in this relationship because it gives me financial security. We have a mortgage together and a car loan.
> 
> He does not cheat (that I know of), doesn't drink or do drug. In general is a good guy. He has let himself go and is a big guy now. He is but my main concern is that he does not want sex and even when he does is boring and basic.
> 
> ...


Cut the cord. You have a very small window to have children, if you want, and you have some of your best years of sex coming regardless.

You just have a roommate right now and he is depriving you of a vital, intimate connection with the marriage.

Get some legal advice and get your life going.


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## Gennaro461 (3 mo ago)

Sorry to hear of the predicament you find yourself in. This is a tough situation for anyone, man or woman, to be in.

You may be interested in some of the discussions over at the sexless marriage community at iliasm.org for some community support.



Glo said:


> I have been with my husband for almost 15 years this December. He is really good as a husband. We don't have money issues, like I'm mostly in this relationship because it gives me financial security. We have a mortgage together and a car loan.
> 
> He does not cheat (that I know of), doesn't drink or do drug. In general is a good guy. He has let himself go and is a big guy now. He is but my main concern is that he does not want sex and even when he does is boring and basic.
> 
> ...


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)




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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> Gives an idea of why she might have married him in the first place.


She’s 34 and they’ve been together for 15 years. How much money was he making back then?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Jimi007 said:


> Have you discussed with your husband that you actually want to open up your marriage to include going out and having sex with other men ?


Haven't met a guy yet that would allow that without divorce papers.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

gameopoly5 said:


> *I'm mostly in this relationship because it gives me financial security.
> Talk about it a lot and took the decision to open our marriage online. I have some flirt with people online and we stay together. I think that just made matters worst as I have even less sex, I believe he thinks online sex is enough.
> I have also think about opening more the marriage and been able to have sex with other people and not only online.*
> 
> You are what I describe as, a woman who wants to be with the good guy for support and security and to party with the bad guys you prefer to be with.


Not true. They’ve been together since they were (or at least she was) 19. He was great all around but he’s got some sexual issues and he’s let himself go.

The fact that he never came during sex is concerning. That should have been looked into long ago. Maybe some meds?

He needs to lose the weight and get in shape for many reasons. She couldn’t have children because of his situation and failure to even try to fix it. If she needs to divorce, so be it. But this is all on him.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Why is it okay to divorce your spouse over a sexless marriage, but horribly wrong to suggest an open marriage as as one alternative?

Why is it “cheating” if both parties agree to an open relationship?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

CraigBesuden said:


> Why is it okay to divorce your spouse over a sexless marriage, but horribly wrong to suggest an open marriage as as one alternative?
> 
> Why is it “cheating” if both parties agree to an open relationship?


Open marriage can work for some. 

But it likely won’t work forever for most.

In this particular OP’s case, she is still a young, fertile woman that would still be able to find a suitable mate to have a full service relationship and have a home and family.

The question for her is not whether an open marriage would be wrong or cheating but simply whether it would actually serve her well for more than a few weeks or month or two of fun. 

Opening the marriage would certainly get her lots of sex and lots of guys beating a path to her door and fighting over her. That would make her feel alive and vital again for a little while. 

But if what she truly wants is a complete relationship and to have children and a family, then a string of fck boyz that just want to have NSA sex on the side with a married woman is just simply not going to fit that bill. 

If she were 50-60some years old and had a comfortable life with her H and the kids were grown but her H was morbidly obese and hadn’t been able to get it up for the past 10 years and she just wanted to feel alive again and have a real orgasm with an actual human being rather than some mechanical device, then outsourcing the sex when the needed arises may be a viable option.

The problem with any kind of rational discussion about open marriage here on TAM is many of the posters here have been cheated on in the past and any mention of anything outside of strict monogamy is very triggering and threatening.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Deleted. Got suckered in by people reopening a thread abandoned by OP.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Deleted. Got suckered in by people reopening a thread abandoned by OP


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## curiouswife4 (Oct 15, 2019)

I know the OP is long gone but in case she comes by to read any updates here I go. You are a Gem! A wife wanting more sex than a husband is statistic that is strongly skewed the opposite way. Oldshirt is correct; most husbands/men fall all over themselves for a wife who wants sex. You would not have a hard time finding people for sex. You have needs in a marriage that are not being met by your marriage partner. When a partner is not willing to make changes to improve the marriage it is time to move on or move forward. He is a friend, a roommate, a partner, but you need a sex partner in addition. Some people chose the toy route, devices, machines, sex dolls. Some chose webbing , chatting, or sexting. Some chose online affairs. Others find sex partners for sex only (risky). Many find more partners (riskier) or swing. I hate it for you. The decision is a tough one. You may have to pull a wakeup call to get him to be serious about therapy. My husband did. Snapped me out of my dreary existence. I know this is a stretch but I get a sense your man is into porn. Seldom wants sex and never cums. I know, I know there are more issues here but I have seen this to be a root cause more often when the man isn’t into sex and never cums with his wife. Just curious…


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

CraigBesuden said:


> Why is it okay to divorce your spouse over a sexless marriage, but horribly wrong to suggest an open marriage as as one alternative?
> 
> Why is it “cheating” if both parties agree to an open relationship?


It is adultry either way.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

curiouswife4 said:


> I know the OP is long gone but in case she comes by to read any updates here I go. You are a Gem! A wife wanting more sex than a husband is statistic that is strongly skewed the opposite way. Oldshirt is correct; most husbands/men fall all over themselves for a wife who wants sex. You would not have a hard time finding people for sex. You have needs in a marriage that are not being met by your marriage partner. When a partner is not willing to make changes to improve the marriage it is time to move on or move forward. He is a friend, a roommate, a partner, but you need a sex partner in addition. Some people chose the toy route, devices, machines, sex dolls. Some chose webbing , chatting, or sexting. Some chose online affairs. Others find sex partners for sex only (risky). Many find more partners (riskier) or swing. I hate it for you. The decision is a tough one. You may have to pull a wakeup call to get him to be serious about therapy. My husband did. Snapped me out of my dreary existence. I know this is a stretch but I get a sense your man is into porn. Seldom wants sex and never cums. I know, I know there are more issues here but I have seen this to be a root cause more often when the man isn’t into sex and never cums with his wife. Just curious…


All symptoms of hormone imbalance. I could go for 1.5 hr and never get there. I do not watch porn.


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