# Husband is abusive. Financially how bad is a divorce?



## WnM36 (Dec 23, 2015)

My husband is verbally abusive to my son. My son has been through a lot already. He was sexually abused. And my husband isn't taking well to it at all. He has turned from the man of my dreams and a great father to completely a burden he is making an already bad situation worst. He's said stuff like that he's gay should kill himself that h';s sick to have let what happen to him happen he needs to have conversion therapy that I'm enabling his "illness". My son's not even gay he just was violated and we've fought about this 2 months already. And I'm ready to call it quits. He's never going to change or shut up. He's just poison. But. He's stuck in my daughter's lives since he's their father biologically. And I don't see how I can make it on my own with 2 kids not even in school fulltime. I just don't think any amount of counseling can fix it but I'm faced with a disaster of a broken family anyway. And I don't even have much work experience since I'm a stay at home mom well have been for 10 years. And I don't get how fast he couldrn into this in such a short period of time.


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## WnM36 (Dec 23, 2015)

I keep telling myself things will go back to how they were or that he'll change for better but it seems it always fails and we just get into more fights verbal fights that is not physical.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Record him if applicable in your state or where you live. There are groups out there that help people leave marriages like yours.

Find work and try being independent. Also, if you have the evidence, and keep track of emails, texts, and voice messages if his messages are abusive. It may help with a restraining order and your child should be in therapy to process what has been done to him so it does not adversely affect him long term.

The longer he is traumatized, the more work and more ingrained, the negative effects will be.


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## WnM36 (Dec 23, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Record him if applicable in your state or where you live. There are groups out there that help people leave marriages like yours.
> 
> Find work and try being independent. Also, if you have the evidence, and keep track of emails, texts, and voice messages if his messages are abusive. It may help with a restraining order and your child should be in therapy to process what has been done to him so it does not adversely affect him long term.
> 
> The longer he is traumatized, the more work and more ingrained, the negative effects will be.


He just says very unconstructive things not through text or email. I think if he wasn't apart of our household it would be more peaceful.

Last time I did this with my son alone as a single mom it was extremely tough. It's just daunting to try to do this being a single mom again but this time of 3 kids.

And he sees a therapist every week. But this tends to be the arguments my husband will argue about saying that the therapist is a liberal and not a good therapist for him because of the reasons I mentioned in the pp. Also added to that he's been trying to brainwash our daughters and doesn't want him around them. So like if we were to divorce I know he'd want custody. And he is financially MUCH more stable than I am. I just feel like I lose everything can't win for losing.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

WnM36 said:


> He just says very unconstructive things not through text or email. I think if he wasn't apart of our household it would be more peaceful.
> 
> Last time I did this with my son alone as a single mom it was extremely tough. It's just daunting to try to do this being a single mom again but this time of 3 kids.
> 
> And he sees a therapist every week. But this tends to be the arguments my husband will argue about saying that the therapist is a liberal and not a good therapist for him because of the reasons I mentioned in the pp. Also added to that he's been trying to brainwash our daughters and doesn't want him around them. So like if we were to divorce I know he'd want custody. And he is financially MUCH more stable than I am. I just feel like I lose everything can't win for losing.



Try looking for resources, use friends adn family for support. The most important thing is your children's mental health. With love and affection, they will succeed far better than if they were mentally dysfunctional.

Again, you will have to improve your job prospect. There are government programs for job and vocational training that pay decent wages upon completion and they help you find a job as well.


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## WnM36 (Dec 23, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Try looking for resources, use friends adn family for support. The most important thing is your children's mental health. With love and affection, they will succeed far better than if they were mentally dysfunctional.
> 
> Again, you will have to improve your job prospect. There are government programs for job and vocational training that pay decent wages upon completion and they help you find a job as well.


I know this is a crisis I can't let him exacerbate it.

I have heard job connect can help I think with job search I just wonder about the quality of employment. Really.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

WnM36 said:


> I know this is a crisis I can't let him exacerbate it.
> 
> I have heard job connect can help I think with job search I just wonder about the quality of employment. Really.



Just find a transitional oone for now, and again, there is vocational training for better jobs. Stay with family if you must, the well-being of your child is paramount.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sadly I have experience in having children who were sexually molested. My step children were 10 and 12 when they came to live with me. Shortly after they moved in (when I married their after) it became clear that they had been sexually molested for a period of about 6 years. Hoping I can help you some here.

How old is your son? How long ago was he sexually molested? and how long did it go on?

How old are your daughters?

Is your son's biological father involved with him at all? Does he pay any child support?

It would really help to know at least what country you live in. Do you live in the USA? And if in the USA what state? Laws are different depending on where you live.

Does your son's therapist know that your husband is saying these awful things to your son?

The first thing that I suggest is that you purchase a voice activated recorder. They are available at Walmart, Best Buy, etc. Keep it hidden on you at all times when your husband is around. The idea is to capture the ugly things he says to your son. This is evidence that he is not a fit parent. 

What your husband is doing does not only hurt your son. It's hurting your daughters as well.

Now, I don't think you have any choice really but to divorce your husband to protect your son. So how do you go about this? First, find an organization that provides counseling for victims of domestic abuse... yes your husband is being abusive. Get into counseling and ask them to help you get away from your husband.

They often will have a list of attorneys who will provide free (pro bono) legal services.

Again not knowing where you live, I'm going to give you some generic advice. 

In divorce you should be entitled to about 50% of any and all assets accumulated in your divorce. If you two own a house, you could ask that you have sole use of it until the children are all 18. Then at that time it can be sold and you and your then ex would split the equity from the sale. (that's one of several options).

Ask for your husband to get only supervised visitation with all of the children. IMHO, he's abusive of all of he children. You will need to ask an attorney how a court will view what he's doing. If you can get counselors to back up on this, it might happen.

You can ask the court to award you both child support and spousal support until the divorce is final. That will give you some time to either get some training or a job. In just about any jurisdiction you will get child support. In some you can also get rehabilitative spousal support. this will give you time to get the training you need to be able to support yourself and the children.

And as someone else said, get help from any friend or family member who is willing to give you a hand. Find one or two people (keep the number small) among friends and family who can be your support system.

Do you have access to money right now? Is there a joint account?

How is your son holding up with all of this and with his stepfather's hateful comments?

ETA: I am guessing that you are in CA because of your reference to JobConnect.

In CA you can get spousal support for half the length of your marriage up to 10 years of marriage. After 10 years, it can be life-long. Though CA is pushing for the lower income spouse to become self supporting. So you will need to talk to a lawyer.

Depending on how much your husband earns, you might be able to live on that and go to school, whether it be a trade school or to get a college degree in a field that you can earn a living at (not all college degrees translate into a living wage job/career).


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Why is the father being abusive? Being connected with sexuality is not a reason for frustration.... (ie to cause anger/yelling)

What is the father yelling about?



Please tell the story properly...with all the important bits, not just emotional snares....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Just find a transitional oone for now, and again, there is vocational training for better jobs. *Stay with family if you must, the well-being of your child is paramount*.


As always I agree with Mr. Fisty 

But I do want to comment on one thing. DO NOT move your children out of the family home until you have spoken to an attorney and the court allows it.

The first time I tried to leave my abusive first husband, I moved out with my son at the suggestion of my attorney. My then husband got an emergency court hearing. The judge chastised me for unilaterally moving my son our to the family home. She refused to accept it when I told her that my then husband was abusive to both me and our 3.5 year old son. She then gave sole custody to my then husband... yes she handed a little kid over to an abusive father. I had no choice but to stop the divorce and move back in with my then husband. It was almost 4 more years before I had was able to build the case to leave with my son and my husband not get full custody.... and to force the issue of abuse so my husband had to go to counseling to have time with his son.

Build your case. Get recordings of your husband's abusive remarks to your son and hopefully of the things he's telling your daughters about their brother.


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## WnM36 (Dec 23, 2015)

My older DAughter is 5. My younger daughteris 9 months old and my son is 15 it happened when he was 14 and 15. He already has issues with this. He has always blamed himself for everything my husband enforcing it isn't true and destroying him in the process I just can't sit and let that happen which is why I feel like I have no choice but divorce.

The sperm donor is actually the problem. In the first place it was a friend of his. He's lost visitation rights so he's not in his life. Really wasn't ever.

I'm actually in nevada. I am considering moving back home to MI though.




EleGirl said:


> Sadly I have experience in having children who were sexually molested. My step children were 10 and 12 when they came to live with me. Shortly after they moved in (when I married their after) it became clear that they had been sexually molested for a period of about 6 years. Hoping I can help you some here.
> 
> How old is your son? How long ago was he sexually molested? and how long did it go on?
> 
> ...


Yeah I am putting my phone on record. I don't know when I'm actually going to announce it though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WnM36 (Dec 23, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Why is the father being abusive? Being connected with sexuality is not a reason for frustration.... (ie to cause anger/yelling)
> 
> What is the father yelling about?
> 
> ...


Hes being abusive ever since we find out my son was raped. That he's now being very verbally abusive because he think he should have been able to defend himself. He doesn't agree with homosexuality my son's abuser was a man therefore to him he blames my son and is very bocal about this in a very poisonous way. And this don't seem to be getting better it's been 2 months and he's still at the same place was before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WnM36 said:


> My older DAughter is 5. My younger daughteris 9 months old and my son is 15 it happened when he was 14 and 15. He already has issues with this. He has always blamed himself for everything my husband enforcing it isn't true and destroying him in the process I just can't sit and let that happen which is why I feel like I have no choice but divorce.
> 
> The sperm donor is actually the problem. In the first place it was a friend of his. He's lost visitation rights so he's not in his life. Really wasn't ever.
> 
> ...


You will have to get court permission to move your daughters out of state. You will have to ask an attorney how likely you are to get permission to do that.


In Nevada, you will likely get spousal support for half the length of your marriage, so 5 years. That is enough time to get on your feet financially.

spousal support in Nevada Archives - Nevada Divorce BlogNevada Divorce Blog


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WnM36,

Check your PMs (private messages).


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Has your son's rapist been prosecuted?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Has your son's rapist been prosecuted?



According to her other thread, under her other name, her son was not raped. He had a same-sex relationship. And if I'm reading it right, other same-sex relations.



http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...eliefs-becoming-problematic-least-advice.html


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> According to her other thread, under her other name, her son was not raped. He had a same-sex relationship. And if I'm reading it right, other same-sex relations.
> 
> 
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...eliefs-becoming-problematic-least-advice.html


I was figuring and not surprised by the ban. This person is relentless.


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