# no sex on birthday



## silverpef (Nov 11, 2011)

I have been married less than a year now, sex life has gone to crap in my opinion. I may get sex twice a week, and its just the wife laying there..no different positions, no nothing..just stick it in mentality.

Then on my birthday recently, I take the day off of work, shes a wife at home, baby is in daycare, whole day by ourselves, and she doesnt do anything during the day, saying IM spoiling her surprise for later, dont be inpatient she says...well evening comes and she ate too much and has stomach problems...
and no sex for my birthday...

Then when I bring it up, all she says is that thats all I can think about and not her feelings...

suggestions?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

start backing way off, dont say ILY, dont touch her or hug her, stick with business discussions. be courtious but firm in all your interactions. see where that takes you, if she doesnt improve on her end then it isnt going to happen


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## mrwawa (Nov 9, 2011)

I think sometimes that we (as men) see sex as a gift from our wives. Thus, we feel that she should "give it to us" on our birthdays or other occasions. To me this is not a good way to think about sexual relations. It turns it into a chore for the woman and something that is expected for the man.

Just my two cents worth.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

mrwawa said:


> I think sometimes that we (as men) see sex as a gift from our wives. Thus, we feel that she should "give it to us" on our birthdays or other occasions. To me this is not a good way to think about sexual relations. It turns it into a chore for the woman and something that is expected for the man.
> 
> Just my two cents worth.


Precisely! It isn't a gift of giving, it is a mutual pleasurable experience. Framing it any other way leads to massive resentment.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I understand where you are coming from... but your marriage is heading for disaster.


Your wife wasn't feeling good and you want her to bang you?

Definitely change your thinking about sex as a gift!
I can almost assure you now you will NEVER get sex on any holiday because you po'd your wife. They hold resentment BIGTIME!


Learn women and lay off the sex expectation... to get better sex. It's all in their MIND.


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## Hopingitworksout (Nov 11, 2011)

Have you asked her WHY she doesn't want to?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

if the shoe was on the other foot they would be saying thing different.

why is the baby in day care and her not at work. 
why did she over eat so much so you guys couldn't have sex. she should have been antisapating some loving its your birthday


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## zpac (Nov 9, 2011)

mrwawa said:


> I think sometimes that we (as men) see sex as a gift from our wives. Thus, we feel that she should "give it to us" on our birthdays or other occasions. To me this is not a good way to think about sexual relations. It turns it into a chore for the woman and something that is expected for the man.
> 
> Just my two cents worth.


I think many women do infact see sex as a gift they give to their man.

Otherwise relationships wouldn't look the way they do. Sex is a reward for good behavior by the woman for the man.

Wives don't just have sex with their husbands, _just like that_. It requires work, effort, endless pursuing and romancing by the man for her to give him sex.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

zpac said:


> I think many women do infact see sex as a gift they give to their man.
> 
> Otherwise relationships wouldn't look the way they do. Sex is a reward for good behavior by the woman for the man.
> 
> Wives don't just have sex with their husbands, _just like that_. It requires work, effort, endless pursuing and romancing by the man for her to give him sex.


Not always. Sometimes wives just want sex and don't expect all the frills around it.

Being husband or wife takes constant effort in the fact that we should always try to treat the other with respect and dignity. Sex is not a reward, just a natural part of loving someone. To use sex as a reward is a problem, imo.

Sometimes my husband isn't romantic...especially after a 12 hour work day. However, he is none the less sexy to me and I still want to jump him.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

zpac said:


> I think many women do infact see sex as a gift they give to their man.
> 
> Otherwise relationships wouldn't look the way they do. Sex is a reward for good behavior by the woman for the man.
> 
> Wives don't just have sex with their husbands, _just like that_. It requires work, effort, endless pursuing and romancing by the man for her to give him sex.


Maybe in your world. Stop with the generalizing. Plenty of us women fall on our backs because we want sex and not because it's Christmas or Kwanza.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I agree. Don't talk about a 'surprise' and then not deliver. That's just rude.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yea, I agree. Don't talk about a 'surprise' and then not deliver. That's just rude.


:iagree:


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## camt76 (Nov 12, 2011)

Well my birthday was on Monday and guess what I got?? My gift was giving my husband 3 handjobs that day and I got NOTHING in return!!!


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

silverpef said:


> I have been married less than a year now, sex life has gone to crap in my opinion. I may get sex twice a week, and its just the wife laying there..no different positions, no nothing..just stick it in mentality.
> 
> *First thing that jumped out at me is it looks like you expect her to initiate. If I want to mix it up with my wife I grab her legs, slide her around, flip her over and bang the snot out of her pretty much any way I want. She does the same, or orders me to **** her from behind or whatever. Whats the problem with making it happen?*
> 
> ...


commom bull**** but you can overcome that:banghead:

you need to learn to initiate aggressively. If she rejects. Go play golf or ride your motorcyle and try again later. All the whiney nonsense is getting you nowhere. Man up grab her for a sexy ride she wont forget. Then flirt with her and make her laigh every day in replacement of all the unattractive whining. 

NEVER complain again. Joe SUAVE doesnt complain and he gets lots of tail. :rofl:


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## Waited4This (Apr 10, 2011)

WOW, Can't tell u how many times I have gone through this. Although me and my wife have no kids


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> First thing that jumped out at me is it looks like you expect her to initiate. If I want to mix it up with my wife I grab her legs, slide her around, flip her over and bang the snot out of her pretty much any way I want. She does the same, or orders me to **** her from behind or whatever. Whats the problem with making it happen?


She isn't interested, or finds the approach you describe to be gross / offensive / degrading / whatever. The OP's wife obviously isn't comfortable with "doing the same" as your wife is, and probably isn't happy with him doing it. 



> .
> 
> Id tell my wife "you bet Im impatient. You are sexy as hell and I want you now and later and later. Then Id dominate. She loves it and tells me so.


And if she told you to p*ss off and stop being so immature, overbearing or disgusting, what would you do then?




> commom bull**** but you can overcome that:banghead:
> 
> you need to learn to initiate aggressively. If she rejects. Go play golf or ride your motorcyle and try again later.


And if she rejects again, and again, and again, and again....
Or she rolls her eyes and says "OK, get on with it, anything for a bit of peace and quiet!"



> All the whiney nonsense is getting you nowhere. Man up grab her for a sexy ride she wont forget. Then flirt with her and make her laigh every day in replacement of all the unattractive whining.


 Now some of this makes sense.



> NEVER complain again. Joe SUAVE doesnt complain and he gets lots of tail. :rofl:


Yeah, but never with the same woman twice


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If it makes you feel any better, my H never gets birthday sex.(not in the last 13 years anyways) Not only does he not get sex, he his forced to spend every single birthday with my family. I feel awful for him. His birthday is on Christmas, so it is very busy. We will sometimes celebrate his birthday the weekend before, but it's not the same. Maybe this year I'll make sure to sneak a quickie before we leave for the day. Having kids around at Chirstmas is always challenging. They are always extra excited and demanding our attention every minute of the day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think if we speak about a surprise...we should try to deliver "something", at the very least a verbal soothing and apology for getting carried away , eating too much , then not feeling well - but so "wanting" to be with him or DO whatever. But the question is ....was it even making love ? I don't think she ever got around to clueing him ? 

I had a similar thing play out... .on our very romantic vacation, my husband ate too much at dinner, I was the high driver then, and wanted it later that night (he knew!), he couldn't perform , but he was so very sorry for doing that. Ya know, that was very appreciated by ME. He didn't treat me like a horndog, *and I was disappointed *but his attitude was wonderful , I a still feel loved & desired & of coarse we waited till the next day. All was good. 

If we get sick, it is understandable, of coarse it's not going to happen -we shouldn't push on our ill spouses, but more could have been expressed on her part, a more gracious attitude -to the let down of the day- with a connecting promise to make up very soon, give him some hope he is not forgotten by any means. And in response, he should have been gracious to her in return.

It has to start with someone. 

I would definitely feel bad if I promised someone something and couldn't deliver, birthday or NO birthday, that is how I live. 

Today is My birthday! And I KNOW my husband would also feel awful inside if he couldn't be there for me in whatever my heart so desired on my special day. I used to want to go out to eat, get a long back scratch at night, maybe a nice body massage with lotion, but now there is nothing I care more for but that sensuous connecting -it just wouldn't be right to miss that on our Birthday!


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> She isn't interested, or finds the approach you describe to be gross / offensive / degrading / whatever. The OP's wife obviously isn't comfortable with "doing the same" as your wife is, and probably isn't happy with him doing it.
> 
> _*How do you know? You got some wild assumptions there. Is your response about you or the OP?*_
> 
> ...


_*Right and since the rest of the suggestions made work for us also, and could work for the OP the rest of it makes sense also. *_


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> _*Right and since the rest of the suggestions made work for us also, and could work for the OP the rest of it makes sense also. *_


I'll say this nice and slow: THERE IS NO ONE SINGLE SURE-FIRE WAY THAT WORKS FOR EVERYONE.

If the way described works for you great, but if it doesn't, it doesn't make those other people any less deserving of help, does it?

I suggest you read some of other threads here, where there are people in marriages who DO have partners who are openly rude or dismissive of the other's sexual needs, refuse to discuss any sexual issues, provide grudging sex at best. 

By the sound of things you don't need any help, but why knock those for whom your method won't work?

BTW, my W and I don't speak to each other anything other than lovingly. But then, we seem to manage lots of sex without any rigmarole, so go figure


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> I'll say this nice and slow: THERE IS NO ONE SINGLE SURE-FIRE WAY THAT WORKS FOR EVERYONE.
> 
> _*I'll say this nice and slow. The word "could" was used. Since you missed that, perhaps you should slow down when you read also.
> 
> ...


Rigamarole? Wheres the ignore button?


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## zpac (Nov 9, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> commom bull**** but you can overcome that:banghead:
> 
> you need to learn to initiate aggressively. If she rejects. Go play golf or ride your motorcyle and try again later. All the whiney nonsense is getting you nowhere. Man up grab her for a sexy ride she wont forget. Then flirt with her and make her laigh every day in replacement of all the unattractive whining.
> 
> NEVER complain again. Joe SUAVE doesnt complain and he gets lots of tail. :rofl:


Men don't even have the right to complain in marriages. EVERYTHING is their responsibility or fault. 

The wife is always right. The wife can do no wrong. 

Just another typical generic "man up", it's your fault, take responsibility reply that is every solution to every marriage problem.

But wifes offcourse can complain all they want.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

zpac said:


> Men don't even have the right to complain in marriages. EVERYTHING is their responsibility or fault.
> 
> The wife is always right. The wife can do no wrong.
> 
> ...


Barring damaged goods, woman respond to what men do and have. Thats the wiring. They either open up or shut down to it. 

Men either get game and maximize their blessings and get sex, love and appreciation or be pissed and stubborn and go without.


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## zpac (Nov 9, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> Barring damaged goods, woman respond to what men do and have. Thats the wiring. They either open up or shut down to it.
> 
> Men either get game and maximize their blessings and get sex, love and appreciation or be pissed and stubborn and go without.


Yes husbands should shut up, never complain and take responsibility for every problem in the marriage 

Seen 1000's of posts like yours. Rarely do they ever actually help. And mostly posters like you don't make them to help. You make them because it makes you feel masculine and cool to tell other husbands with marriage problems to "shut up and man up" like you are some kind of white knight in shining armor who feels the need to defend the wife and bash the husband no matter what.

It's generic and tiresome.


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## zpac (Nov 9, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> Men either get game and maximize their blessings and get sex, love and appreciation or be pissed and stubborn and go without.


Lots of husbands do all that and more and get nothing. Why? Because some(see most) women are just not sexual affectionate beings.

Your formula for getting it doesn't always work. Stop assuming that that it will for every guy. And stop assuming that the husband hasn't even tried and done nothing. Many times he has, and gotten rejected over and over and over again.

What do women do really? Apart from neglecting their husbands from sex and any kind of affection and whining how it isn't how it was when they first started dating(but then its ok to whine ).

I'd like to see you come with the "man up, shut up" bull**** when you have been rejected every single time for years with no sex, no kisses, no hugs or intimacy what so ever with a wife who doesn't even want to share a bed with you. Because MANY marriages look exactly like that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Women want sex. Yep. We do  Whenever I didn't want to have sex with someone is when I just didn't find them attractive anymore-- for whatever reason. 

My husband turns me on in every way, so thankfully, we get busy often


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

silverpef said:


> I have been married less than a year now, sex life has gone to crap in my opinion. I may get sex twice a week, and its just the wife laying there..no different positions, no nothing..just stick it in mentality.
> 
> Then on my birthday recently, I take the day off of work, shes a wife at home, baby is in daycare, whole day by ourselves, and she doesnt do anything during the day, saying IM spoiling her surprise for later, dont be inpatient she says...well evening comes and she ate too much and has stomach problems...
> and no sex for my birthday...
> ...


How old are you and the wife? And how old is the baby? And your wife doesn't work, but your baby is in daycare?

Your wife appears to be in 'obligatory' sex mode. In otherwords, she likely isn't getting her needs really met by you and is just kind of droning on. That's a dangerous place to be, as it can breed resentment in your wife, and then in you, and then your marriage can be in danger.

Have you ever explored what it is that both of you need out of your marriage? There are lots of resources for that - from exploring 'The 5 Love Languages' to the resources on marriagebuilders.com web-site.

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

If you can find out what 'moves' your wife - what connects with her emotionally - maybe it's conversation or flirting or non-sexual touching, then she may begin to see the beauty in connecting with you sexually again. Mostly, though, women want to be shown that THEY - not just their body - but all of them - their hearts and minds - are what you desire and love most of all.

Best wishes.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

zpac said:


> Yes husbands should shut up, never complain and take responsibility for every problem in the marriage
> 
> _*Complaining is unattractive. Consensus was reached on that along time ago. Being unattractive is path to a sexless life. Consensus was reached on that along time ago. *_
> 
> ...


Hearing it over and over is evidence that it works. You throw oiut the baby with the bath water. the final step to solving most human difficulty is acceptance. 

Peace


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

zpac said:


> Lots of husbands do all that and more and get nothing. Why?
> 
> _*Lots more husbands fouled up meeting their wives needs and dont know the way back without help from those that have traveld the path back. You may have yourself convinced you are meeting her needs but it isnt bearing fruit. Perhaps your wrong. Its not unreasonable to question that.*_
> 
> ...


True. I didnt wait that long before I hit the books, cracked the code and fixed it and it wasnt because I was macho. I cried like a ****ing baby that I almost lost my wife by being neglectful like many other members. 

If your experience is different, then you are reading the wrong post. 

Peace


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Im most bothered by her telling you that you werent considering her feelings when you went to her with your concern. 

If your wife uses daycare everyday AND doesnt work (and is healthy)... ummm, eliminate the daycare right now. Calmly state that there is no need for her to have daycare for your child together if she isnt working, and that it is something that you were giving to her out of love for her but since she is not loving you in ways that are important for you, you feel like she has been taking advantage of you. This could backfire on you bc she will say that she doesnt have any energy to have sex after watching the baby all day... poor woman. Now, if daycare was arranged specifically for your birthday only, thats different... but why no together time while baby was away?

You also need to tell her that you felt SHE wasnt considering YOUR feelings when she had this surprise for you on your birthday and then felt ill and never came to you again to make up for it and finally give you the surprise.... but did come to you to tell you that she felt you werent considering her feelings. Pot calling the Kettle black! You cannot let her get away with turning the tables... my husband did it all the time. You have to be willing to face the possibility of no sex to have the guts to do this though... but think of it this way, you arent happy with your sex life as it is anyway so what is there to lose... an uninterested body laying there?

Dont take care of her needs if she doesnt take care of yours AND then blames you for it! You are not being mean, no matter what she says. You are owning your boundaries and she crosses them each time she lays there uninterested in sex and tells you 

Its difficult and frustrating bc both parties are at a stand still cemented into their positions, and believing they are right. It is up to the one being walked over to stir things up to create change. She thinks she is being walked over bc you arent considering her feelings, but she isnt considering yours (she thinks she is). She needs to know she isnt even though she thinks she is.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Worse than no sex on your birthday (the previous two years) is having great sex on your birthday for 5 minutes before she suddenly kills the mood (this year). Even worse than that, I thought she took work off to have awesome sex all day. She had told me she was planning on working unless I wanted to do something. I told her all I wanted to do was eat good food and have epic sex, otherwise I'd just hang out and relax until she got home from work. She said "we'll see". When I woke up and realized she was still home I was so excited and happy. We went out to breakfast but then once we came home she just wanted to play video games alone. Hours later I finally give up and ask if she is going to be in the mood for it soon, she says yeah hold on... 10 minutes later... ok, lets go... 4 minutes later she's done orgasming and starts telling me to hurry up and finish so she can get back to her game... 1 minute later I gave up. 

I believe she's given me blueballs 3 birthdays in a row, and on at least two of her birthdays, two of our anniversaries, and at least once on valentine's day. 

The problem with loving someone is it gives them the power to crush your ego. You expect them to treat you special, especially on your birthday. When they don't, when they instead act like they don't care and show no consideration for your feelings it really ****ing hurts like hell. I don't know what you can do about that but suffer through it and commiserate with your fellow sufferers.


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