# Need a Mans Advice



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I have been married to my husband for 23 years, during those 23 years we have broke up twice for a total of 1 year. We got back together in June of 2006 after a 9 month break up. We actually were seeing each other from Jan to June when we decided that we loved each other and wanted to stay together. 

Since we have got back together we have had another baby and moved back to his home town, He has a great job, we bought our first home. Things started to get rocky when we moved into our first home in Oct 2010. We have had some talks , there is things that still bother him , things that I did when we were broke up. He still has a hard time dealing with it all. On the 30th of Dec he told me we were done. That I could move out , I told him no cause I would not leave our kids again. 

We have had some talks and some of the things he has said floored me cause I had no idea I was like that. We have not talked about our marriage since last tuesday , when I told him we had a Marriage Counseling appointment. 

I'm so confused cause we do things together, we laugh, we went out shopping , we went out ice fishing, he still calls me his wife. He still talks about things we are going to do in the future together. Yet he won't kiss me or let me kiss him. I have not tried since Tuesday cause he told me I had to stop that his feelings have not changed. He still has his wedding ring on 

I'm so scared to go to marriage counseling tomorrow in fear he is going to tell her he is just done ! 

Any suggestions to what i can do so he will let me back in


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Jaded Heart said:


> Any suggestions to what i can do so he will let me back in


That's difficult to do without knowing why you were 'out' in the first place.

My guess would be that the two of you set some kind of terms prior to your reconciliation, one or both of you is likely not living up to those terms to continue fostering growth of the relationship.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

When I left him in 2005 I left him and the kids. I was with another man for a few months , it was actually odd cause I was with my husband then something would happen and he would leave then I was with that OM . I ended it with the OM cause I wanted my family and my husband back . We have never talked about what I did , it only comes up when we argue. He says that was the worst time of his life that he has so much anger towards me . 

I don't blame him for his emotions.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sounds like you didn't actually address or resolve anything? Am I hearing you right?

At this point, that is on the both of you. His anger is understandable, but it was also his to address, instead of bottling it up and letting resentment build up ... to lead you to exactly where you are now.

You mentioned that you are going to counseling together? You should start from a very basic place; why do the both of you want to make this work?

Presuming that both of you in fact, do want to make it work, there will be very direct steps involved. You should be advised that some of those steps will be far from comfortable. 

I have stated to friends dealing with marital issues in counseling, that some of the best counseling sessions that you have, will be the ones that you feel the worst about emotionally.

My other tidbit? I have a phrase: "Own your sh!t."

In vanilla terms, take responsibility for what you are responsible for.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Thanks so much, I know I'm worried about tomorrow ! But I have nothing to lose , it is already on the table and I know I need to Own My **** as you put it. 

I'm praying that we can come out of this better then ever before. We have never in 24 years worked on our marriage it has always been about the kids and work and other things. 

If we do this and we find that it is not going to work I hope that we will be able to co parent good together. 

I just hope it doesn't come down to that


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Yes, he may say it's over in counseling, but a good counselor will reply with "Why?".

Maybe he never healed from previous separations. maybe he has given up.

Hopefully, whether or not it will be painful to hear, the truth will come out in counseling.


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