# Stuck in the pain



## wellthissucks (Feb 27, 2016)

In Dec 2014 my husband explained to me that he had received a handjob from a masseuse earlier that year. After three weeks of me trying to process and asking questions he came clean that it had actually been sex 4 times (would have been 5, but one was too ugly) over the course of our 9 year marriage. I moved out in Feb 2015 on the advice of a Chaplin we were talking to.

After a few months apart he volunteered for deployment. He returned 2 weeks ago and was extremely mad that I wouldn't let him move into my apartment.

Those are the bare facts. 

Emotionally I feel as if I am just as raw as I was when I finally discovered the truth. I turned my shock and hurt into self-loathing. I am too meek to rage. I just cry and wonder what is so awful about me that would make hookers more appealing. 

He has lost patience with me. In his eyes he has been perfect since his eventual honesty. He has waited and given me space. Now in his eyes I am just being unreasonable. I miss him and I can't stand him. I need help. I hurt all the time. 

I need perspective or advice or harsh words or just to vent my story. Thanks for your time.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

What do you want? Do you want to be with him or divorce him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wellthissucks (Feb 27, 2016)

That is essentially the problem. I don't know. I don't know how to decide. He was my first love and I idealized him. The pain is near constant and I don't know how to get well enough to even think logically about the choice.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You miss a man who has sex with prostitutes?

Or do you miss the man who he pretended to be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wellthissucks (Feb 27, 2016)

I miss the man I thought he was. 
Why do I feel so guilty for even thinking about a divorce? I don't understand what is wrong with m brain.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

wellthissucks said:


> I miss the man I thought he was.
> Why do I feel so guilty for even thinking about a divorce? I don't understand what is wrong with m brain.


First you have to accept that he is not the man you thought he was. He is a low down man-wh0re who has sex with prostitutes. And lies about it. His respect for you is so small that he can have no empathy for the pain he has caused you.

Once you accept the truth - then ask yourself again if you miss him. How can you miss something that never existed or something you never had?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

It is hard to get over infidelity, have you gotten any counseling?Please see someone if you are not, it does help.

He has no right to dictate when it has been enough time, and you should be over it. He broke the vows not you, so if he wants a marriage with you it has to be on your terms not his. 

I hope you got tested for std after you found out about him sleeping with prostitutes. When my ExH cheated I was on a roller coaster, I always reminded myself of the bad stuff he did and it made be stronger it is not easy to get over, but you can and will.

Do you want to be with a man you can't trust to even get a massage? do you want to be with someone that will lie to you? do you want to be with someone that will put your health at risk? (Giving you something penicillin can't cure) Do you want to be with someone you can't count on? You need to ask yourself these questions and more.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Nothing is wrong with YOUR brain. 
You were betrayed. 
You feel deceived. 
You are disappointed. 
You are hurt. 
Your feelings are normal.
Go easy on yourself.
Be Strong.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

How old are the two of you and how long have you been married?

Any kids?

Do you work outside the home?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

When he enlisted, were you consulted? Did you get any input? 

I know you were separated at the time, but i wonder if you just wound up feeling abandoned and now he just expects to come back home? 

I think you could have some basic resentment for the fact he #1 moved out and then 2# enlisted, and #3 he was not participating in your healing. 

Our D-days are pretty close. I found out dec 12 2014. Girl....Im still so messed up. I am still in so much pain, and up till this week i felt meek and weak. Why i feel strong is i started calling the shots, and putting my steel toe boot down. 

If you don't want him back yet just tell him, he has been gone so long you don't want to rush into things. He can take you on a few dates, and you can get to know each other again. If he went to war, he is a different man.


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## wellthissucks (Feb 27, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> How old are the two of you and how long have you been married?
> 
> Any kids?
> 
> Do you work outside the home?


I just turned 30. We have been married nearly 10 years. No kids. I am a teacher.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Did you suffer abuse in your past?

Childhood abuse or later?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What prompted his initial confession?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

wellthissucks said:


> In Dec 2014 *my husband explained to me that he had received a handjob from a masseuse earlier that year. After three weeks of me trying to process and asking questions he came clean that it had actually been sex 4 times (would have been 5, but one was too ugly) over the course of our 9 year marriage*. I moved out in Feb 2015 on the advice of a Chaplin we were talking to.
> chances are, he did a lot more naughty stuff. hate to say that, although at this point it probably doesn't matter. who's counting. but this should factor into your decision
> 
> *After a few months apart he volunteered for deployment. He returned 2 weeks ago and was extremely mad that I wouldn't let him move into my apartment*. good for you
> ...


why in the world would we have harsh words? you're in pain and righteously so. last thing you need is harsh words.
keep venting it helps. I've been there.


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## wellthissucks (Feb 27, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Did you suffer abuse in your past?
> 
> Childhood abuse or later?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Parents were physically and emotionally abusive, but not to the extreme. Not making excuses, but I don't want exaggerate it.


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## wellthissucks (Feb 27, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> What prompted his initial confession?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So this is an additional mind f&#$...
He confessed post-coitus. It was pillow talk. I told him that I was impressed by us given the marriage statistics in the military. Then he confessed a little bit... like he was testing the waters. Turns out we are just one more failed marriage statistic.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I confessed my addiction to pornography to my wife post coitus.

Pillow talk is like alcohol. Emotions flow free.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

grame said:


> I'm thinking your timing could have been a heck of a lot better.


I couldn't agree more.

I didn't say I did it right...



But I am trying to give an outsiders perspective.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> I confessed my addiction to pornography to my wife post coitus.
> 
> Pillow talk is like alcohol. Emotions flow free.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Did she not already know?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> Did she not already know?


Nope. 

She knew I viewed it periodically, but just like my alcohol use, the extent was far greater than she knew. Also like the alcohol, I was hiding it.


Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Nope.
> 
> She knew I viewed it periodically, but just like my alcohol use, the extent was far greater than she knew. Also like the alcohol, I was hiding it.
> 
> ...


Could you talk about it over on your thread, her reaction when she found out? I think you mentioned it once, but only briefly.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Were you stronger and starting to detach while he was deployed?

You say you are meek and I think this probably makes it harder for you to make affirmative decisions for yourself. I would suggest doing your best to strengthen your self-confidence. You have your own life that is ultimately not determined by your WH. You don't feel like it right now, but you know that it is logically true.

Try the 180 to help clear your head and develop independent thinking:

The Healing Heart: The 180

The military life is extremely difficult when it comes to maintaining a healthy marriage. Don't feel pressure to 'be over it.' He doesn't understand what he has done to your heart and mind. Ask him how long it would take for him to be over it if you had sex with four different men.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The fundamental question that you must answer to move forward is can you accept this man's character. Can you accept him as a father to your children? Would you want your children to emulate his behavior? And lastly, would you advise your own daughter to stay with a man like this or would you tell her she deserves better?

Unless he shows deep contrition and remorse, he is simply playing you and trying to appease your anger. This will happen again. If he were truly deeply concerned about you he would be moving heaven and earth to try and repair the trust he has destroyed. If you were my daughter I would advise that you move on and find a decent man, they are out there. I wish you good fortune.


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## wellthissucks (Feb 27, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> I confessed my addiction to pornography to my wife post coitus.
> 
> Pillow talk is like alcohol. Emotions flow free.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I appreciate the outside perspective. Hope all is going well for you.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

wellthissucks said:


> I appreciate the outside perspective. Hope all is going well for you.


Thank you.

This is not going to be news to you, but this is not going to be easy. 

Here is the bright side. You do not have to make a decision now. Take your time, allow your emotions to settle a bit, and then decide what direction you would like to go.

I am retired military. I know the challenges of separation from deployment and overseas assignments. What he did was horrible. 

What you need to decide is if he is worth it. It really is that simple. Because if he is, it will make reconciliation worthwhile, and will make the unbearable bearable in the rigors of being married to a military man.

If he is not worth it, walk away. The challenges are too great to endure for someone who does not measure up.

Immerse yourself in something you love doing this weekend. Relax, try to settle your emotions a bit.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady.

Your husband is serial cheater and he is never going to change. He should be angry on himself,not you.

You said you dont have kids. Easier for you to move on and find yourself a better man who is going to respect you and love you.

Stay strong.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hi there. So sorry your husband cheated on you 

What healing have you done for yourself? 

When you separated, did you want to get back together eventually? Or were you done?

Why on earth would he think he was entitled to move in with you? BTW, bad advice for you to move out originally. You should have kicked HIM out. You're not still taking this chaplain's advice, are you?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

wellthissucks said:


> No kids.


RUN for the hills and thank god you didn't catch an STD from this pig.


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