# New to all this and need advice!



## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

This is my first time posting in a forum and english was not my first language so please bare with me. I'm on my early forties and my wife mid 30's, we have been married for about 12 years and have one child, my son from my first marriage that we both have raised so far. We both have very good jobs and a very comfortable life style, my wife and my child have always been my world, I have never been abusive. I discovered about a month ago that my wife was having an emotional affair with a police officer who was discharged/dismissed whatever is the term from the police force due to some mental issues, I confronted wife about the affair and everything I knew, she denied, then said they were just friends, then admitted they had seen each other a couple of times, kissed and he fingered her but claims nothing else happened, gave the speech they love each other and she has never been this in love or attracted to anyone as she feels for him, despite this claims she has stopped the affair. I guess I'm looking forward some opinions, advice, anything I can get. Thanks in advance.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You need to validate that the affiar has stop by doing your own research, investigate this quitely and never reveal your source. It often happen that after confronting, the affair will cool down until you cool down.

Never beg or cry, it unattractive and only empowers your wife to start the affair back up , if it in deed stopped.

Exposer, if the nut job cop is married then let his wife or let the girlfriend know.


In short; find out as much as you can about affair and OM (on your own), make the affiar as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible to continue or restart.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

There is more than a good chance that she is continuing to 'trickle truth' you and that she most likely had sexual intercourse with the OM. If she allowed him to kiss and finger her, she was most receptive to going all the way with him. For this reason, you must insist that the two of you get tested for STDs.

If you want to R (reconcile) with your DW (disloyal wife) then you must be willing to divorce her if she does not agree to total transparency (her passwords to all email, social network sites, text messaging, etc.), be willing to send a letter of NC (no contact) to the OM telling him that she does not want to see him ever again, and be willing to do her part of the heavy lifting in marital recovery. You must be firm on these non negotiable conditions otherwise you are setting yourself up for a false recovery.


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## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

Thank you for your help! 

What is the best way to gather information? Should I hire a private investigator? The guy she was or is having an affair with has someone I not sure if a wife or girlfriend.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife use a cell phone to communicate with him? How about a computer?

If she does, check her cell phone for calls and texts between them. also check for phone calls. If she uses a computer, you could put a keystroke tracking software on the computer and see what she is doing there.


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## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

I would assume a cell phone, she has a laptop but she always leaves it at the office, I checked our home phone bill when I found out and there were no calls made from the house.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

dude your wife allowed another guy to finger her, what's there to investigate?


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## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

she claims she cut contact with him.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

How remorseful is she? Did she tell you she wants to work on reconciliation?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Don't believe those lies. How could someone who says " they love each other and she has never been this in love or attracted to anyone as she feels for him" just suddenly cut off contact?

You can't just turn the other cheek so easily for her for stepping outside your marriage and more preferably find a wife that doesn't allow herself to be fingered by police officers with mental issues. This is a woman with no morals.


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## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

She says she wants to work it out, cried alot, was depressed for a few days but now kinda acts like if nothing ever happened, I'm not sure if this is normal behavior or not but I feel devastated and just don't know what to think or if I can believe her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Marriage counselling immediately. Tell her that you will give her one shot at the marriage. She has to tell you all the truth. If you find more later on, you will dump her and file immediately. Your reconciliation should be based on the entire whole truth not half truths. You should assume that they did have sex. Women mostly tone down the level of sex in the affair to lessen the hurt usually. Find out where you are lacking in the marriage in the counselling


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No you cannot take her word because it has no value. Only her actions count. Something which you should calmly and respectfully convey to her. What is she willing to do to 'work on the marriage'? What is she willing to do for you to start the slow process of regaining your trust? These are questions that she must begin to answer in order to make a sound decision to either R (reconcile) or D (divorce).


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

lost1970 said:


> She says she wants to work it out, cried alot, was depressed for a few days but now kinda acts like if nothing ever happened, I'm not sure if this is normal behavior or not but I feel devastated and just don't know what to think or if I can believe her.


It's just damage control. If she was truly remorseful she wouldn't act like nothing happened after a few days. She wants to work it out because she doesn't want lose her lifestyle not you, if she was scared of losing you she wouldn't have disrespected you like she did. 

And are you sure she's upset about hurting your feelings or her being told to give up the "love of her life"? I suspect she views you as a push over that will take this and get over it after a few days hence the obligatory water works and her acting like nothing happened.

If you love her, I suggest counselling, if you can't after this then divorce her.


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## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

I suggested marriage counseling as I love her and want to save our marriage, also for the sake of my son who sees on her the mother he never had but she refused, doesn't want to talk about it with a stranger and said we can fix it but I not sure how can we fix it if we dont talk about it, I'm going through alot of confusing thoughts and basically can't talk to no one.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I suggest some users tell him about the 180 to get his wife into counselling.


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## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

Well like one of you suggested and taking the chance with wife asleep, just checked her cell phone, the affair is still going on, she lied, what do I do now? Confront her? What is the best way to handle it?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I told you man.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Put keylogger on her PC and get hold of her call&message history from the phone.

As others said they had full-blown PA; affairs don't suddenly stop at fingering.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

DEMAND she goes to counselling or you're going to divorce her. No ifs or buts. Put your foot down with this.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Check out the 180 link in EleGirl signature.

*****footing and being understanding didn't help me in such situation. Only announcing divorce made a difference.


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## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

thanks! There's alot of texts, calls and some disturbing pictures, I'm in disbelief right now. I don't have access to her computer she leaves it at office. I will check the 180 link. Should I confront her tomorrow morning? or gather more evidence?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Gather everything before she deletes them. Make sure your stuff is watertight then confront her.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

I think from all your posts that this is an PA (she had sex with him) and not only an EA...

she is continuing the affair and making a fool of you because you are aloving this...you are to soft towards her and there are no consequences for her actions...

First if you want a possibility to save your marriage you must be prepared to lose her...you must man up ,expose the affair to your family,her family and all of your friends ( the exposure is the only way to stop the affair),dont beg her,and file for divorce so that she knows that you are serious (if the things get better you can always stop the divorce)...

Read the 180 and please start respecting yourself because if you dont respect yourself neither will she...

P.S. and no you dont need more evidence,you just confront her in the morning and say that you are filing for divorce and then expose the affair to everyone...and if after the confrontation she agrees to work on marriage you still need to expose so that the affair doesn't go underground...

Good Luck


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## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

I will cancel all credit cards and close all joint bank accounts, will also cancel other luxuries I'm sadly paying for and follow the advice I'm getting here.


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## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

My family lives overseas and her family are in laws from hell, have never approved our marriage.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Be prepared for more tears and begging. Rent a heart of stone for the day.


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## johniori1 (Dec 28, 2011)

You can't just turn the other cheek so easily for her for stepping outside your marriage and more preferably find a wife that doesn't allow herself to be fingered by police officers with mental issues. This is a woman with no morals.


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## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

Confronted her, doesn't want to hurt me but she is not willing to give up this guy, did told me the "love of my life" sentence. I will go ahead with the plan of canceling all the cards and joint accounts more the ridiculous luxuries I have allowed.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ask her to leave the family home for even if she doesn't it will be a powerful statement that you will not tolerate this abusive disrespect from her. Tell her that she should be with "the love of her life" because she is now HIS responsibility. Affairs thrive on fantasy and once she has to deal with the OM's crappy issues on a daily basis, the fantasy will die.

Also, locate an attorney and file for divorce. When she gets served it will show her that you no longer want to be married to a cheater.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Please see an attorney at once. She continues to lie to you so the chances are pretty good that they have been having intercourse. She just was in damage control when she said he only fingered her. Cheaters never tell you the full truth at the beginning. 

You will need to get tested for STD's. See an attorney immediately concerning your options. She is trying to play you for a fool and she has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

And ask your attorney what are the implications to you if your wife gets pregnant by the OM while the two of you are legally married. Most states consider a child born while a couple is married, a child of the marriage, which means that unless the husband contests the paternity of the child his wife gives birth to, he is legally responsible. Like many cheating wives, your wife probably isn't practicing safe sex with the OM and she is playing Russian roulette every time she and the OM have intercourse.

Ask your attorney if by having her served with divorce papers, if that absolves you from any pregnancy related legal issues.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

lost1970, who cares about cancelling credit cards, she's not a teenager, you need to divorce her. She told you she's not giving up the guy, she DOESN'T WANT YOU. 

Divorce her ASAP and contact your attorney before doing anything financial


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## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

Thanks everyone. She should have been home about 4 pm, it's past 9 pm and she is still not here, tried to call but her phone has been off all day. I went ahead and separate all the money and cancel all credit cards. My business partner also suggested a divorce lawyer he knows and I should be meeting with him until the end of the week. Thank you for your help, I'm for sure feeling lost.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Lost, you need to expose this.......call the police, tell the supervisor that your wife is having an EA/PA with the sick in the head ex-police officer, likely she is with him, not returing calls and you are affraid for her safety, and to a lessor degree, your safety.

Remind them of the behavior that got him fired........


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

stay strong Lost, you don't have to put up with a cheating woman. Make sure you protect your money when the divorce procedure moves along.


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## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

Well she came home an hour ago, she was with him all day, didnt went to work, admitted they have had sex a couple of times but most of the time has only been fingering, don't want to divorce me but again gave me the love of her life sentence and that cannot give him up, when I recovered myself from the shock I told her I'm not willing to have this kind of marriage and I will file for divorce, she then told me fine. I know this is a forum and no one here knows me but I swear for the life of me I have been a good husband I do not understand how we went from point A to B, I'm beyond confused and just can't get it, I feel like my head is exploding. I have done nothing to deserve this.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Get to a lawyer, separate your finances, ask her to leave the house......EXPOSE to friends/family. Get a restraining order to keep the sick OM away from your son....the OM really has to be one f##ked up dude to be fired from a police department - cops have very protective unions. I would go to the PD administration and voice concerns about this dude...likely has guns and not in his right mind.

Inform your wife that she is to not have conversations with your son, for good measure give her your wedding ring.....

Hit her with the 180, hit hard.....do you have somewhere you can send your son to......at least until she leaves the house?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lost1970 said:


> Well she came home an hour ago, she was with him all day, didn't went to work, admitted they have had sex a couple of times but most of the time has only been fingering, don't want to divorce me but again gave me the love of her life sentence and that cannot give him up, when I recovered myself from the shock I told her I'm not willing to have this kind of marriage and I will file for divorce, she then told me fine. I know this is a forum and no one here knows me but I swear for the life of me I have been a good husband I do not understand how we went from point A to B, I'm beyond confused and just can't get it, I feel like my head is exploding. I have done nothing to deserve this.


Even if you had been a crappy husband, you would still not have deserved to be cheated on, nobody does. There is always the option of divorce for people stuck in bad marriages with lousy spouses.

Tell her to call the OM to come pick her up as well as her things. She is now his responsibility and he should take care of all of her emotional needs. Let's see how long that lasts. 

Lastly, file for divorce. The divorce is not going to magically happen overnight so if she ever comes out of the fog , ends all contact with the OM, is willing to become totally transparent to you, and you still want her, then you can proceed to rebuild the marriage.


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

wow I just read your thread and I'm so sorry this happened to you no one deserves this kind of pain. The way she has been treating you is completely and totally unacceptable and a kind of cruelty that comes from true selfishness. You've have already taken the first of many steps you will need to take to get through this and that is to separate the finances next is to tell her she has to leave the home and if she refuses tell her you and your son will be leaving (It works in your favor as far as custody goes that he's not hers biologically) Next follow up with a hard 180 she needs to see that you are not going to be a doormat and walked all over and that you want monogamy or nothing at all. Finally you need to begin divorce procedures always keep in mind that these can be stopped any time you like but if she's not willing to recover the sooner you start them the sooner it's over. Please keep in mind that all the advice here is not bulletproof sometimes your just going to have to follow your gut wherever that may lead you best of luck I hope it works out.


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## lost1970 (Jan 3, 2012)

Thank you! A quick update. I have lawyer appointment tomorrow. Wife is aware of her rights and refuses to leave the house but claims she will in a few days. Found out this guy was an ex bf, we met overseas and I moved to the US 13 years ago, left all my life behind because of this woman, I can't help but think I have been nothing but a bank account to her, didn't our marriage means anything, how can she do this to my son? to us????????????


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