# Why be surprised? More of a vent or WTF....



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

No advice needed, just sharing a recent WTF moment with my WS.

Recently my WS and I were chatting about his sister's recent divorce from her gambling addict WS when the topic of what could have been our own divorce came up. He asked if I kept the divorce papers I had drawn up almost two years ago, shortly after DD. A few of the requirements that had to be met prior to reconciling included selling our house and buying one I can afford with my own salary should the need ever come up; we've been in our new house for about 1.5 years. Other requirements included selling his car and buying a replacement (xOW had been in his car several times); that car was a HUGE trigger for me. I am still maintaining a separate checking account which he has no access to, all of my pay goes into that.

Anyhow, at the time these other aforementioned decisions were made, I was very clear and on more than one occasion that I had divorce papers ready to go should I change my mind and/or reconciling didn't work out for any reason, including a subsequent betrayal after the original DD back in 2012. 

WS looked genuinely surprised :scratchhead: :smthumbup: when I told him that yes, the divorce papers were still saved on my work laptop and no, I had no plans to get rid of them. In my mind, almost two years of R is NOT all that long. I should add that R has been going well, considering, so I have no plans to file the divorce papers either. 

Although I wouldn't accommodate the request if it had been made, WS did not ask me to get rid of the divorce papers, yet he still seems surprised and miffed about their existence  . He says I might as well have his bags packed and waiting by the door should he do something to implode our 20+ year marriage once more. I let him know when he chose his actions by having an affair, he chose any and all associated consequences, divorce papers on standby being one of them.

Later WS told me he understood my POV and was just surprised, and hurt, to learn I didn't eventually get rid of the divorce papers. Yah well, I was a "little" surprised and hurt to discover his affair . 

As I mentioned earlier, R is going well and things are slowly improving. Though sometimes things are said that leave me shaking my head.....like seriously? Yep, a whopping almost two years have passed so go ahead and move that file to the recycle bin. I don't think so. I appreciate the fact that post conversation he approached me to discuss it further and appears to get my POV. OTOH, I am a little taken aback and annoyed by his surprise over it. Seems to me holding onto divorce papers post affair wouldn't be a real shocker. IDK, maybe I'm wrong. Meh.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. I can certainly understand why you still have the divorce file around.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

My Dear Hubby and I are well into Recovery for about five years and we absolutely live every single day as if THIS could be the day that either one of us choose to be done. 

I treat him like it is a gift and a privilege that he chooses to stay, and he treats me the same way, because HELLO! IT IS A GIFT! Every single day!

So I don't know what his deal is. Maybe he thinks "Well after 20 years I get to let my guard down" but OH NO! Any day your spouse chooses to stay with you and act in a loving way is a GIFT! Even after 20 years!


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I tell him that the R agreement made R possible. Give him grades on how he has performed in R. Since it is generally going well, he should be happy that you not displeased.

By the same token you should ask for him to give you a review as well.

Men are often confused by sex and intimacy. Without it we feel unloved. But when we get it we can be complacent in relationships.

Also, I would ask him if getting rid of the D papers would change his behavior? Yours?


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TTR

Ask him to cut off his nuts and give them to you in a jar and then you will get rid of the divorce papers.

Let him think about that one for awhile.

Glad your R is going well.

HM


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

When he chose to have an affair, *he packed his own bags and put them outside of the door*, you've allowed him to bring them back in.. but you're not ready for him to unpack them just yet. I can respect that, and he should too.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm not sure that I agree.

Its almost like having a permanent final warning on your file. If that happened to me I think I would get fed up with this cloud over my head the whole time and would, sooner or later resign.

What might be fairer is to set a time limit whereby if he 'behaves' for two years the warning (aka divorce papers) get wiped.


----------



## crankinfinity (May 5, 2014)

While I don't think you are "wrong", TTR, I don't think it helps.

I agree with askari. I was previously married to a woman who liked to use threats of legal action as a means to keep me in line, so to speak. Sometimes hinting at knowledge of legal recourse.

I had not done anything wrong, she was just subtly controlling.

And while I am not suggesting that you fit the same profile, I do understand how it might make him feel. And he's probably not trying to rugsweep it.

Sometimes if a person's heart is in the right place and they have done the right things, they just want to be forgiven. Having divorce papers on standby 2 years later doesn't appear forgiving.

Does that perspective make sense?


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

he has convinced himself that he will never stray again and he really believes it. he's just surprised you're still not convinced as well. it's a done deal in his mind and he wants it to be for you. 

sounds like things are on the right track for you two. i hope one of these days/years you can get rid of the file for good. 

take care.


----------



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

askari said:


> I'm not sure that I agree.
> 
> Its almost like having a permanent final warning on your file. If that happened to me I think I would get fed up with this cloud over my head the whole time and would, sooner or later resign.
> 
> What might be fairer is to set a time limit whereby if he 'behaves' for two years the warning (aka divorce papers) get wiped.


Fairer? I was subject to STD/HIV testing because of his choices, the possibility WS could have fathered his xOW's baby (it's not his), the discovery of his affair, the discovery of xOW's now xBS having caught herpes from her because of her other OM who did father her child, WS coming close to losing his 20+ year career over his choice to have an affair, the money and time spent on OW, the terrible treatment I received from him while his head was up his a** (aka the fog), the fact I was also not happy but I chose not to have an affair.

It has been almost two years - in other words, not all that long - since DD in which WS did not confess to cheating and actually vehemently denied in the face of my suspicions. Once I heard the "unhearable" on the VAR which was placed in our car he TT'd me for a period of time before finally fessing up to what I can conclude is most if not all of the story. Of course, at first the affair was blamed on me because I was depressed and grieving over my father passing away in a somewhat horrific and totally unexpected manner. In addition, one of our adult children had been deployed to Afghanistan and I wasn't so thrilled about that either. WS no longer blame shifts but I still remember those days in glaring detail, and not because I choose to remember.

The divorce papers pose no great financial risk to WS. Our children are grown, no alimony, barely any debt, community property state. I can support myself financially and he has two incomes, one of which I couldn't touch even if I were to seek alimony. He also holds a PhD in a field where most earners are in the six figures. The only thing he already agreed to, in writing, is he would give up rights to is our house. The reason he would do so is our mortgage is affordable to me on my income - I'm an engineer working for a large government agency. On his income(s) he could be in another home in short order with no financial hardship to him. All the divorce papers do is enable me to file in very short order and be done in 90 days. Basically, he would be unscathed in a divorce with the largest PITA to him being moving out and into a new place.

I don't "hang the papers over his head," I don't make threats, and I don't even talk about the papers in any fashion. Hadn't mentioned their existence again, since around DD time, until our very recent chat. The context in which they were brought up wasn't to make him feel bad or even relating to his affair. He's always known they existed and agreed to them as part of the terms of R. He has full knowledge of what is contained within that paperwork. I let him know during that time, around DD, I would be holding onto the papers indefinitely. No end date. 

WS has made great strides while in IC and while we have been R'ing. I do give him that and let him know. However, what he gambled in our lives by cheating was no small matter to me. There are STD's that never go away and others which translate to a death sentence. HIV and the high risk for ovarian cancer associated with HPV is no joke. He could have helped to bring a child into this world who surely would have been at great risk for being raised in difficult circumstances by a woman who by all indications is not emotionally stable. Never mind what he did to my heart and the view his three 20-something children have of him. They love him dearly but....it's not easy to see your parent in that light. I know because neither of my parents were ever faithful to anyone, including each other. My mom is on her 5th marriage and all of the previous have ended due to adultery; hers, theirs or both. Usually both. Now she's of an age where getting the attention of a potential OM isn't very likely. Other relatives of ours believe age and loss of a more youthful appearance are the only things preventing her from cheating again. 

I digress. Divorce papers which don't kill my WS financially (hardly!) and only get me out with what I've earned in a 20+ year marriage, and hopefully my sanity, well I just don't see them as a huge threat. I'm sorry their existence bothers him but I'm also sorry he couldn't find it within himself to make different choices when he willingly entered an affair and thereby changed the entire landscape of our marriage, permanently. I can forgive, won't forget. If he sees them as a permanent and final warning in his file, he is certainly free to resign from our marriage, full stop. If it came to that I'd be much happier in the long run if he walked away rather than cheated his way out. 

FYI, my response isn't intended to negate your opinion, everyone's entitled to their own, but there is no fair or fairer when it comes to adultery. I don't see myself as a victim to anyone but there are sure as h*ll no winners when it comes to cheating. None.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

