# Never felt so alone



## willyoubethere (Jul 14, 2012)

It's hard to know where to begin. I have so many conflicting feelings and fears and it is all eventually taking it's toll on me. I'm sorry if this get s bit long winded, I'll try and keep it as short as possible.
I'm a female who is turning 26 in a couple of weeks time. I've been in a serious relationship since I was 14 years old. I feel I have to say this for you to understand the situation, my parter is 10 years older than me. I feel I have to stress though that nothing happened between us sexually till I turned 16 other than kissing and mild stuff like that. I was adament that I wouldn't go there until I was of age, and he was very respectful of that. He was just out of a marriage when we got together but again I stress that I wasn't the reason that he split from his wife, I feel I must say that. Also, I had just left home, my mother and I have a very turbulent relationship, infact I don't have a relationship with her anymore. I stayed with my great aunt until she died when I was almost 9, because my mother wasn't interested. I was always a good kid and could never understand why she didn't want me. But anyway, my uncle was going to put me in a children's home when my aunt died but my mothers boyfriend at that time convinced her that she should take me back. I stayed there for a few years until like I said I left at 14, I won't go into too many details but there was a terrible falling out (my mother lied about having cancer amongst other things) and I left. So anyway, cutting a long story short, I've been living with my boyfriend ever since then. It has been a very turbulent relationship but filled with good times too, I won't deny those. The last five years my boyfriend's kids from his previous marriage have been staying with us permenatly, they've now just turned 18 (he was only 18 when he had them), they're twins. I've been playing the mother figure for them ever since I was 14 since they visited a couple of times a week. I've been living the life of an adult since I first moved in with my boyfriend. I don't want to place any blame on my partner because at the time I thought I knew what I wanted, but I was just a kid myself, and I realise this more and more each day how young I was in the head back then. I find old diaries and can't believe how I would talk, the things I would say, how childish and innocent they sound, and then realise that this child was in this very serious relationship. I'm generally a very positive person, I have a bright outlook on the world, I have a lot of love in my heart for humanity and I never give up on the idea of peace. I think any trapped or lonely feelings have manifested themselves differently over the years. I've had eating disorders which I think stem from a lack of control that I feel. I used to drink a lot as well. I'm a very shy and nervous person, and drinking always made me more free in my mind. But now I don't drink, although I have thought about it more lately. I realise that I haven't been in love with my boyfriend for a very long time now though. I love him dearly in the sense that he's my rock and he's all I've had for so many years. He's like an internal organ that I'm so reliant on, that I'm not even sure that I could live without even though I want to, in a partner sense. I only met my father for the first time last year. Him and his wife know about mine and boyfriends situation and have accepted it, they both love him, which I guess only makes me feel more trapped. My boyfriend loves me very much, I know this. In the past there has been times where I've tried to split up with him, but the consequenses have been disasterous. He's threatened suicide, and I know he tried to slit hit wrists with his ex wife, he still has the scars. He gets so angry and emotional and it's terrifying. He starts making threats, saying weird stuff like if I go then just know that he won't be responsible for his actions. I know he would never hurt me or anyone else physically, but to go through that, it's the worst thing I can imagine and the twins get dragged in, and it's ugly, really ugly...you have no idea how much it kills me to see him like that and to know I caused it. I can't bear it and I back off, I give in. I'm weak. I stay. I never leave. I'm a coward. I often feel that I'd rather die than put him through that again. But on the other hand, I yearn for a connection. Someone who gets me fully and completely. I've only ever been with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I, even though we're there for each other, we're two very different people, and to be honest, nothing ever runs deep between us. We don't have the same mindset with things, our wavelengths miles apart. And I'm telling you, the loneliness I feel, even in the house with the 3 pets and the 2 kids and the boyfriend...the loneliness is crushing...I honestly feel like my heart is breaking more and more each day. Like slices are just getting cut off of it. I hurt so terribly. Actually physcially hurt. And I feel so guilty, I feel like the devil, for not loving him the way he loves me. I care about him deeply, but not as a lover. God, even writing the words kills me. And after the last time I tried to split up and was a coward and stayed a couple of years back...I now don't believe I could put him through that again. I don't know how I'd explain it to my dad, my boyfriends parents. I'd be causing all this destruction. I can't do it. And now I don't have an eating disorder, I don't drink...I just feel all this pain. All this pain. I'm usually very good at taking my mind off things. I'm a huge fan of music and play some instruments and I would always turn to those things to make me feel better, and they'd work...but now, just over the last few months...nothing helps. Not one thing helps. Every song hurts. I see the sadness in everything and I'm now finding it hard to cope. I've coped for so long and now I'm burning out. I try to paint on a smile by my boyfriend is starting to notice something isn't right. I swear to god I'm trying so hard to be positive but it's now becomming damn near impossible to hide my emotions. When I cry I feel grief, I feel like I did when my aunt died and my best friend from my childhood died. It's the exact same pain I feel, I feel like someone has died. Like I'm mourning. That's the only way I can describe it. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to kill myself and I've always looked down on people who do for what I think are stupid reasons. But I swear to god, I've never been to close to the edge. But I would never do it. No way could I cause that pain to the people who love me. That is just not an option. But for the first time in my life the thought of death doesn't scare me...and that sickens me that I'm thinking like that. It sickens me. I'm passionate about science and seeing the advancement of our planet has always been such an exciting thought to me. I've always wanted to be around to see it, and now...I don't care. I'm completely diguested at myself. I need someone who understands. I can't talk to anyone else in this detail. I'm sorry for writing such a long rant and I've not split in into paragraphs or anything and I'm usually very anal about stuff like that. Sorry for the bad grammer and everything. I just needed to reach out. I don't know what else to do.


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## peterparker (Jul 11, 2012)

First of all, thanks for sharing....I think you must share whatever you need, this will be good for you.

I honestly think that, despite of the help that you can find here, you should visit a professional asap, as maybe the situation that you're living need some extra help as to avoid a depression or something worst.

I encourage you to keep posting your feelings, happenings, findings here, but please, get professional help as well.

Keep the line open, please....and don't do anything that you may regret later.


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## 2betex (May 16, 2012)

I agree that you should quickly get some help. And I also agree to vent here as we people do listen. Your situation is not as bad as you may think, you say you are on the edge, well hopefully this is the edge of getting going in a direction you can live with. I too have been on the edge for quite a while and it has forced me to seek help and go ahead with some changes, I have been married for over 28 years and am now doing it. It is hard but it can be done, stay strong


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

I feel you Willyou..I felt that loneliness and its the worst feeling I have ever, ever felt. I know that edge you feel too..I once went over that edge and I spent a day in emergency mental health..No one came..I didn't know until I got out that the reason was because my wife never told anyone where I was and just stayed at home watching TV. I've been with her in some way more than half my life and I can honestly say, now that she is gone and I know she won't be coming back...It feels alittle different. 

You need to talk to someone. You're not the devil, you're not evil..You're a good person thats had quite a bad hand dealt to her. Take time for yourself..You say you like science and our planet..Go do something you like to do for yourself..Example..I remember gardening with my grandfather when I was a kid and the joy it was..So I started a small garden and I have to say, its quite rewarding..Find something you do for you..Take alittle time out of your day for you..You'll feel better about yourself.

I KNOW after being with someone for that long after that person was your high school love, and then knowing you are not longer compatible with that person destroys you inside and makes you feel like a real POS...But you're not a coward, or weak, or a POS..You just haven't found your inner strength..Its in there..

These people here help alot...And alot of us are going through the same kinda thing..You're not alone..


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

You sound very level headed and sincere, I'm sorry for your suffering. I think you need to look at the reality of your present situation, you are not married after being together for ten years and your boyfriend sounds like he has some extreme insecurity issues. It's time for you to sink or swim, you've been floating for ten years, that's enough. If you were married maybe I would have a different answer but the lack of matrimonial commitment after all these years is a big red flag. You need to find a way to ease out of the relationship without stirring up too much dust. Find a counselor. Find a job if you aren't working. Stash a little money. Set a target date and work toward that goal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Dear girl, this situation is not your fault. There is something very, very wrong with your boyfriend, and you had nothing to do with that. Furthermore, he took advantage of a child by building a relationship with you long, long before you were ready to be making any type of a committment. HE made choices. You should probably understand by now that it is quite odd for a 24 year old man to be involved with a 14 year old. It's just not normal or healthy. That was his choice; you were too young to make an informed choice--and he knew it.

When a partner manipulates you by threatening suicide, you only have 2 choices: give in and be miserable, or call his bluff. You cannot do the latter unless you accept that he may be so mentally ill, he may do it simply to punish you for leaving. That is about as mentally ill as someone can get, frankly. 

My ex threatened suicide twice, and I took him to the ER once and a psych hospital the 2nd time. I just made it clear that he could do what he wanted and I would not feel one ounce of guilt b/c it would be HIS choice. If he wanted to ruin his children's happiness just to "get back at me," he was going to fail, b/c he could not get back at me--I would not accept responsibility for HIS choices. 

Next time he threatens it, call the police. They are required by law to take him to an E.R. for evaluation. Then pack up and leave, and go to a women's shelter. Tell no one. If he cannot have contact with you, he can't try to lay guilt on you, can he? And he may actually find some help from the doctors he sees--and he desperately needs to see a mental health professional, there is no question about it. 

You deserve so much better, so much. Get some counseling yourself--maternal abandoment such as you experienced can be very damaging. You will learn that your mother's inability to parent you had nothing to do with you--she too was suffering in some way (whether she knew it or not) and would have been an awful mother. Maybe at some level she even understood that, and, not wanting you to suffer, she let you go. 

You've had to grow up too fast, and I think it is amazing that you are able to communicate so clearly and that you are smart enough to look for help. 

A domestic abuse hotline is what you need--because you are being severely emotionally abused and controlled. There are resources out there--use them. You do not have to do anything but find help for yourself right now, and learn how to get to the place you want to be in life. God bless.


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