# Initial attorney consultation



## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

So the husband is on the road. Last night he started pushing me about "what's wrong" that he can tell I've been checked out the last few months (gee, wouldn't have anything to do with the whole swinger/swapping thing, would it?). Anyway, I finally told him that I did not think we would be coming back from this and he needed to start preparing himself for all outcomes. Basically, I could not get him to understand the core problem. He just keeps repeating that he wishes he had never asked for that, didn't realize what it would do to me, etc. Swears he will do whatever it takes to stay together, and in his mind, I'm sure he would. Six months ago, that would have melted me but I just feel too far gone now. He knows I'm going therapy and is happy I am "fixing me." I told him I did not care what he did, who he slept with, whatever. Just want him to find a way to be happy and that is most likely not going to come from us being together as a couple. The old habits are just too ingrained and I don't trust myself or him not to fall back into them. Another thing that troubled me incredibly, is that when I expressed a moral issue with having sex with people outside the marriage and how that made me feel like less of a person, he appears to see none. That's a pretty large gap to deal with.

Anyway, main point, prior to this, I had set up an initial consult with an attorney that is to take place tomorrow afternoon. Not to necessarily start anything formal, but to get an idea of where I would stand as far as spousal support, children, asset division (especially since a business is involved), etc. I would most likely end up paying the spousal support since my earning ability is 2.5 times his. I really don't want anything from him but to be good parents to our children and be able to keep my house (which I could afford with my income) so my children are not uprooted from there. He could feasibly move to his mother's home down the street from us at least for now. I don't look for this consult to be something that changes my mind in any way, I just want a decent idea of where I would stand and changes I would need to make. Question is, what information do I need to be prepared to provide at this first visit, any documents I need to take, anything like that. This is entirely uncharted territory for me (thank goodness) and I'm a planner. I like to be prepared.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Other than needing your identification and the full name of your husband and his place of employment and the address and phone number for that, I doubt you'll need any other documentation. just start writing down all your questions now so you don't forget something. the attorney should be a family law attorney.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Sorry you're going through this. Things will be better on the other side, so hang in there!

You won't need any detailed documentation for the first consultation. Since you have minor children, you are wise to use an attorney. You'll get the lay of the land for your area on how divorces usually proceed and what the judges award.

Child support is set by your state laws, so there is nothing really to discuss about that. Custody is a different issue, so have a clear idea of what you want as a best case and what you would take as a minimum worst case. As far as asset division, it is probably 50/50 of the net value unless there are specific situations such as inheritances or a prenup. Spousal support us generally not mandatory, meaning if he doesn't demand it then you won't have to pay it. Just because your potential is greater than his doesn't mean he gets it. How much you each actually make today is important, as are any agreements you've made such as one of you being a stay-at-home parent. If one of you is making less than you might, then it can become contentious determining what is a fair number to use in calculating spousal support.

It would be helpful for you to have your incomes for the last few years. Look at your income tax returns and jot down those numbers. Find the market value of your home today and the amount owed on your mortgage. Zillow is one source for an estimate of current value. You can search for median pay for your professions in your location if you think spousal support might not be based on your current pay but rather on potential future pay. Write down your current parenting time and his. For example, if one of you works on a fishing boat 3 weeks of each month then that is important information.

You aren't litigating this in front of a judge at the first meeting, and you don't have to convince the atty that your position is correct. The atty is going to tell you the basics, and with a little bit of the above data he/she can give you a better guesstimate of what the likely outcomes will be.

Mediation is well worth doing if you are both willing to try it. Just don't rush to sign any documents. Know your position before you go in. Almost every divorce ends up decided between the spouses outside of court even if an ugly court process begins. Not wasting money on attorneys is smart. But don't rush into giving away the farm just to get it done! Very many of us in the early days are willing to give a lot away out of a sense of being fair or just wanting to have it done.

Good luck!


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You are going to want to know your financial information. So tax returns, income (usually it's the last 3 months but with covid, that might not be accurate), all debts (mortgage, business, credit card, vehicle, student loans, etc), all assets (house, vehicles, business, bank accounts, retirement, stocks, etc). If there is inheritance or premarital assets, know that information as well. 

If you have a pre/postnup, take that. If you have a separation agreement, take it. If you have talked about the separation, jot down what you've talked about. If you are filing at fault, you will want whatever "proof" you have to see if it is even admissible or enough.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

As far as child custody, I would just advise you to insist he get joint custody. Judges tend to default to it, but if they don't you should insist on it. Usually that means one of you gets the kids 2 and a half days a week and one day the weekend, and that is what is fair with you both juggling jobs and your leisure time and social time. That way, you aren't doing most of the work and heavy lifting and just leaving him free to just be the "fun parent" on weekends. He should have half the responsibility, and that way you have time to rest and shop and see friends and work without constant interruption. It's so important that you both sign an agreement to exactly when each is responsible for the kids because one of the most unpleasant things about divorce is one parent calling and trying to get out of taking the kids because of work or play and upsetting the schedule of the other parent. If you don't get it all down in an equitable schedule with both of you doing your part, problems will be worse and you'll have to deal with each other more often . It won't be long until you're expected to drop what you're doing so he can go off for the weekend with his new girlfriend. So make him take half the parenting responsibility and no exceptions and don't let asking favors even get started. 

Also, if it gets to the point you don't want to deal with him much, the judge can order you communicate only by email through one of the special apps for parents sharing custody. The app saves all the emails so if it gets nasty, you can take them before the judge. It basically prevents you from fighting with each other. If one asks for a favor, disrupting the other's schedule, it's all right there. Exceptions are made for emergencies, but very limited, like the child went to the ER. 

Most people go into this thinking they can handle the other, but once you are dating (he will hit the ceiling) and he is dating, it all becomes a different ballgame. If one of you loses your job, having these clear responsibilities will inform them how to handle what job they take, etc. They will have to plan around it knowing their kid schedule instead of taking whatever they want and counting on you to cave in about it. So keep this all on paper, signed by a judge, a clear schedule.


----------



## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> As far as child custody, I would just advise you to insist he get joint custody. Judges tend to default to it, but if they don't you should insist on it. Usually that means one of you gets the kids 2 and a half days a week and one day the weekend, and that is what is fair with you both juggling jobs and your leisure time and social time. That way, you aren't doing most of the work and heavy lifting and just leaving him free to just be the "fun parent" on weekends. He should have half the responsibility, and that way you have time to rest and shop and see friends and work without constant interruption. It's so important that you both sign an agreement to exactly when each is responsible for the kids because one of the most unpleasant things about divorce is one parent calling and trying to get out of taking the kids because of work or play and upsetting the schedule of the other parent. If you don't get it all down in an equitable schedule with both of you doing your part, problems will be worse and you'll have to deal with each other more often . It won't be long until you're expected to drop what you're doing so he can go off for the weekend with his new girlfriend. So make him take half the parenting responsibility and no exceptions and don't let asking favors even get started.


You are right and I was planning to ask for 50/50. I want us both to be able to move on and provide well for our children while finding our own happiness. Part of my burnout is that I have shouldered the large majority of the household and parenting responsibilities along with being the primary earner. He has recently decided he wants to be more involved , and that's great for the kids but doesn't change my mind. He needs to be made to help with all that. Only kink will be that he travels a lot some parts of the year, but we will work that out. I don't think it will take long for him to find a new girlfriend once he accepts the reality of the situation. Heck, I wish he would start dating now. Now when I start seeing someone, yeah, you're right, he will hit the fan.


----------



## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

Thor said:


> Sorry you're going through this. Things will be better on the other side, so hang in there!
> 
> Mediation is well worth doing if you are both willing to try it. Just don't rush to sign any documents. Know your position before you go in. Almost every divorce ends up decided between the spouses outside of court even if an ugly court process begins. Not wasting money on attorneys is smart. But don't rush into giving away the farm just to get it done! Very many of us in the early days are willing to give a lot away out of a sense of being fair or just wanting to have it done.
> 
> Good luck!



Thank you. I would very much like to settle out of court. I don't look for him to fight me much on material things, and yes I am at the point where I just want to be done, so I have to be very careful there to be fair to myself as well. My main problem now is actually convincing him I am in fact done. That I do not think this is reparable and that we will be better off as separate entities and possibly friends later. We are no longer good for one another as a couple.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Farmlady said:


> You are right and I was planning to ask for 50/50. I want us both to be able to move on and provide well for our children while finding our own happiness. Part of my burnout is that I have shouldered the large majority of the household and parenting responsibilities along with being the primary earner. He has recently decided he wants to be more involved , and that's great for the kids but doesn't change my mind. He needs to be made to help with all that. Only kink will be that he travels a lot some parts of the year, but we will work that out. I don't think it will take long for him to find a new girlfriend once he accepts the reality of the situation. Heck, I wish he would start dating now. Now when I start seeing someone, yeah, you're right, he will hit the fan.


Him traveling is for HIM to work out and shouldn't involve you. He will have to find a way to have childcare. It will be his problem on those days, not yours, and don't make any agreements to cover for him because what if you want to take a job sometime that won't allow you that freedom? Then his problem becomes the thing holding you back. So don't agree to anything like covering for him when he's out of town. 

You will no longer have to cover for him. He will have to adjust his work situation or be prepared to hire a lot of childcare or relatives to help. Don't get involved in that or show a willingness to do so or you'll just get taken advantage of and it will hold YOU back. I'm glad you're good with 50/50. Saying that's what you want up front will save him from trying to leverage custody to get other things he may want.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, I think your biggest hurdle will be convincing him that you really are done. He thinks he can talk you back Into staying with him — especially if he closes the marriage again — and you’ll probably have to be brutally honest to shut that down. It’s possible he’ll keep trying even after he has a new girlfriend. Some never give up.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He needs someone who thinks the same way he does. I doubt that whatever he decides to do will make him happy long-term — some people just never are — but that’s his problem.


----------



## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

Openminded said:


> He needs someone who thinks the same way he does. I doubt that whatever he decides to do will make him happy long-term — some people just never are — but that’s his problem.


Pretty much exactly what I told him. It is not fair to either of us for him to keep trying to please someone who can no longer love him as a wife should. He deserves to find someone who wants the same things he does and that is no longer me. It's going to hurt. I've been hurting for months. My real hope is that he learns from this and is able to form better relationships going forward. There is just too much damage to this ship.


----------

