# Believe husband or other woman



## selenafan (Sep 14, 2012)

My husband and I of 20 years are trying to put back or lives after he had oral sex with a friend of ours our godsons mother. He is doing everything is his power to regain my trust everything is an open book with him. He has told me the samething over and over that he never had feeling for her and that he never had sexual intercourse with just oral sex once not that that's any better. Heres the problem we were very close to our godson I miss him so much but the only way to have any contact with him is to go through her and that's not happening in this lifetime or the next it's ashame he has to pay for their mistake . From the beginning she had a plan she wanted my life and my husband. He said he never planned on leaving me and my daughter that he never stopped loveing me. They also texted for about 3 weeks once a day for about 5 minutes thats it and of course in was nothing but sexing anyway heres the problem I told my husband I wanted to comfront her boy did he get mad he said if you do that i packing and moving out he said she's gonna tell nothingbut lies to break us up he says i swear theres nothing else to tell . I am fighting for our marriage she even told a mutual friend of ours that she only had oral sex with him and that i need to get over it. So why would he get so mad when i said i wanted to comfront her if theres nothing else to tell. and how does he know it would be nothing but lies to come out of her mouth. Do i believe him or her please help me any suggestions or should i just leave it alone and believe that he is truely but honest with me. if there nothing to hide why get so defensive


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Dont believe either of them. Polygraph your husband , if he has told the truth he should be fine with it , if he is not , well you have your answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The ONLY thing I agree with about what your husband said is that the OW will lie. They almost always do. If, as you say, she wants your life, and to be with your husband, she would likely say whatever she could to get what she wants. That said, I don't believe your husband. While they both maintain it was "only oral sex", quite often that's what is said in the beginning.

It was just oral sex.
It was just one time.
Ok, it was twice.
Yes, we had sex, but only once.
etc.

See what I'm saying? I wouldn't believe either of them at this point. But that's JMO. As for the former friend saying you need to get over it because it was "only oral". Really? Is she stupid? Dumb question, I know.  Seriously, though, I doubt she would be ok with her husband (does she have one??) giving or even receiving oral sex from ANYONE other than herself. So, in what universe does she have the right to say you need to get over it? It was sex, whether she wants to admit it or not. YOU dictate when YOU "get over it"... not her, not your husband, YOU.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hey may also want to avoid the major blowup that will ensue.


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## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

to your basic question, neither are trustworthy at this point.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Bunny boiler ALERT!! 

As Eli said, you can't believe either one of them. A polygraph is a great choice in this situation, however if it's something you can't afford (it'll run about $500+ in my area), you need to figure out what your breaking point is. What is your deal breaker?

As for her saying you need to "get over it"...well...BULLSH-T!! There is no simple fix for this crap. No matter how "small" or "short lived" any kind of affair is, you get over it when YOU get over it. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise, be it your husband, the OW, a counselor or a priest. F them. You do this on your time.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Sorry to tell you but the problem is that you with rarely get the truth from either person. He will down play the affair. She with either down play it to protect him or blow it up to be more than it was. The problem is you will never know which one is a 100% truthful.

I would say that you should call or email her. Let her know how disappointed you are in both their actions. And that you will get over when her son can get over not seeing his godmother anymore. If ever.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Option C, polygraph.

If he refuses, then hes faker than a 5 dollar Rolex.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Polygraph is the only way you will be sure of the truth.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You cannot believe either of them. You may never know the truth. So what you need to do is sort out what your feelings are, with what you know. You know they cheated. You know it is not your fault. You know your friendship is over, period, godson or not, you don't have to have that person in your life, so just don't. Ad for your husband, you know he made the choice to cheat, not the ow, he participated, he could have said no, no matter what. His cheating is 100% his to own. You know how he has reacted since you found out. So with that, what do YOU want to do? What can YOU live with? You control only you, so get it straight in your head what you want and go from there. If you want to D, then do it. If you want to R, set your conditions, see if h agrees to them, if he does not, then D. If he agrees but fails to meet the conditions, then D. If you want R and both work to achieve it honestly it is possible, but not easy.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

selenafan said:


> I told my husband I wanted to comfront her boy did he get mad he said if you do that i packing and moving out


If you want this to work, then he doesn't get to make the rules anymore since he's the one who cheated. He's threatening you and calling the shots and dictating your behavior and you cannot settle for that, you're only wasting your time with reconciliation if that's the case.



selenafan said:


> he said she's gonna tell nothingbut lies to break us up


Reminds me of a joke about a farmer who has someone play a joke on him. The guy is a ventriloquist and as they walk by the pig pen he makes it look like the pig is speaking and the pig says "The farmer never feeds me and this place is always such a mess!" and the farmer is surprised and then they walk over to the sheep and the ventriloquist guy is about to make the sheep talk and the farmer says "don't believe anything that sheep tells you he's a LIAR!"

LOL always liked that one.

Point being your husband knows there's more to tell.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Both are lairs and you will never know what really happened. You need to just work on your marriage. You cut her out of your life great . You should get mc to help with this issue. It does not matter what kind of sex they had.That fact is he cheated with her. I wish you the best of luck.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Sounds like TT. keep digging.


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't even bother contacting the OW. If she wanted your life, then she's p****d that she didn't succeed, and all she'll want is to start trouble. 

And yes, I do agree with other posters here that your H is probably not telling you the entire story. It took me eleven months of digging and feeling like I was a crazy woman to find out that yes, my H. did indeed sleep with the OW, not just "try". You contact her, he knows you'll find out more. On the other hand, though (playing devil's advocate here), maybe he's afraid by your contacting her that the lies that most likely will be spewed will set your R back.

I also agree that he has no right to give YOU an ultimatum, and the OW *definitely* has NO right to say you need to get over it. Ugh!! You get over it when you CAN.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

The fact that he immediately freaked when you threatened to contact OW definitely seems to demonstrate fear. He's probably not sure WHAT the OW will tell you. You don't know what it could be. It could be that they had sex or maybe he told her he loved her and he doesn't want that getting back to you. Maybe he told her something personal about you, and he's afraid she'll spill it. Maybe he gave her money. Could be a hundred big or small things that he put in his private little world, and now he's scared to death about you peeking inside. Who knows? Does it really matter? You already know the important part. I don't see any point in confronting the OW. There are 2 possible outcomes to that:

A. She's a selfish narcissist that won't hear anything you have to say. She may even get a kick out of your jealousy. You won't be doing yourself any favors to kick someone with body armor on.

B. She feels truly sorry and remorseful. She's feeling pain for what she did, too. If this is case, I would say that you should let her sit in it until she has the nerve to come to YOU and apologize. There is no point in forcing it. You don't have to tell her that she did wrong and hurt you. She already knows that. If she has a conscience, just think of how much more powerful your silence will be as opposed to a confrontation.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Neither of them will tell the whole truth. It really doesn't matter which version is the truth. Your husband was unfaithful! It shouldn't matter to what degree he was unfaithful. He cheated! Furthermore, neither of you should have any further contact with your "friend". She's not a friend.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SandyLady80 said:


> The fact that he immediately freaked when you threatened to contact OW definitely seems to demonstrate fear. He's probably not sure WHAT the OW will tell you. You don't know what it could be. It could be that they had sex or maybe he told her he loved her and he doesn't want that getting back to you. Maybe he told her something personal about you, and he's afraid she'll spill it. Maybe he gave her money. Could be a hundred big or small things that he put in his private little world, and now he's scared to death about you peeking inside. Who knows? Does it really matter? You already know the important part. I don't see any point in confronting the OW. There are 2 possible outcomes to that:
> 
> A. She's a selfish narcissist that won't hear anything you have to say. *She may even get a kick out of your jealousy.* You won't be doing yourself any favors to kick someone with body armor on.
> 
> B. She feels truly sorry and remorseful. She's feeling pain for what she did, too. If this is case, I would say that you should let her sit in it until she has the nerve to come to YOU and apologize. There is no point in forcing it. You don't have to tell her that she did wrong and hurt you. She already knows that. If she has a conscience, just think of how much more powerful your silence will be as opposed to a confrontation.


It's not jealousy. It's a legitimate concern for her family and her life.


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