# mother desire with relationship roadblock



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I think this is the best section to post about this. Curious if others have felt that way. Have you ever had your desire to be a mother, "baby fever," and your marriage being a wreck coincide? I am trying to figure out ways to cope with this. Usually when people feel this way about wanting a baby I feel that they want to have that baby regardless of the circumstances, maybe even think that the baby will "fix" their marriage. Well, I am the opposite. Although for a little over a year now I have had the desire to become a mother, I have no desire to have one with my husband, at the moment. Like zero. In fact right before things had taken a turn for the worse we had talked about trying to conceive, and of course that plug was rightfully pulled. I am very wary of having a baby with this man until I know that we are going to survive and strengthen our marriage, basically not get divorced!

Point is, I still have a strong desire to be a mother. After trying to conceive plans getting cut out last year, I kept thinking if we worked on things that we maybe could the next year. The way things are going that doesn't look too hopeful either. We are starting counseling, but I feel that things need to be "good" for at least a year until we would even think of having a baby together. But, like I said, I am still heartbroken. I am so ready to be a mother, just not with my husband as of yet. I am worried about the ol' "biological clock." I am in my late 20s, so I know have quite a bit of time, but I had wanted to start a family by now. And knowing that the soonest that could be possible would be a year is heartbreaking. And if my husband and I do get a divorce, then even longer. Sometimes I am mad at him for "ruining" our chances of having a family, but I know that I am probably also to blame. 

How do I deal with this "grieving" type feeling of delaying a family? Besides seeking to repair the marriage, which we are now pursuing. It is so strange to want to be a mother, but not necessarily with your husband (though I do with him, just not with the way things are).


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I think what you're going through is probably fairly common. I would like more kids, but my relationship with H is the only roadblock. It is frustrating, because we're in a place in life where we have the money and space, but things are just so bad that I won't do it. I'm 35 too, so this probably means the end of childbearing for me. We already have 2 kids though, so it's different.

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant, that's mostly how the longing expresses itself. But in your situation, where you don't have kids yet, I'd set a serious deadline for either feeling confident trying for kids or separating, maybe 6 months or a year from now.

Good luck.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

northernlights said:


> I think what you're going through is probably fairly common. I would like more kids, but my relationship with H is the only roadblock. It is frustrating, because we're in a place in life where we have the money and space, but things are just so bad that I won't do it. I'm 35 too, so this probably means the end of childbearing for me. We already have 2 kids though, so it's different.
> 
> Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant, that's mostly how the longing expresses itself. But in your situation, where you don't have kids yet, I'd set a serious deadline for either feeling confident trying for kids or separating, maybe 6 months or a year from now.
> 
> Good luck.


thank you for sharing your advice. We are similar in the area of having most everything else in our lives "together" as well; I finished my degree, we bought a house, husband got a job that brings in more income and we are financially sound, we've been married for a few years and have done some travelling. It seems that the more we got things in our life together was when it seemed our marriage began to fall apart. Very frustrating. Setting a deadline seems to be necessary now, I was ok with the original plan being delayed as we don't always get what we want in life when we want it, but to delay this a few more years is difficult to take. I never saw myself giving that type of ultimatum before, though. It is very scary.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

If it gets hard, just remember how much harder it will be to navigate a crappy marriage and possible divorce with children. SO much harder! 

What are the specific issues are there in your marriage right now?


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

northernlights said:


> If it gets hard, just remember how much harder it will be to navigate a crappy marriage and possible divorce with children. SO much harder!
> 
> What are the specific issues are there in your marriage right now?


very true, and that is one of the factors that has made me not give into my desires to have a baby, with him, so far. Our issues are mainly communication. My husband has become emotionally abusive, and it has worn on me so much that I fly off the handle as well at the tiniest amount of ridicule from him. And then it is just 2 stubborn people fighting. It has gotten so bad that there is no friendship there anymore. We have tried some self help things, and it just didn't work for us. I have my part to be blamed for most definitely, but I also know that my husband must be struggling with something that he isn't aware of or won't admit. He is upset and unhappy with something 95% of the time. I am hoping that counseling can help him and us with that.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I hope it's ok that I bump a few week old thread of mine as I am feeling down about this again... but it just makes it a million times harder having a close friend pregnant with baby number 2 as I enjoy shopping for her kid probably way too much because I half pretend that I am shopping for my own... sigh. I am so in baby mode. I want to be starting my family right now. My husband is even a bit older than me... is he not concerned? I hate that this is how our life together is turning out to be. I turn that part of me off the majority of the time, and then when it creeps up I like have this full on break down... I/we waited so long to have kids and now it seems we are losing that threshold to be able to do so. My husband doesn't seem future minded at all about anything, he doesn't mind having his personal life on pause as long as his professional life is thriving. It kind of makes me want to go back in time and have children earlier in our marriage... who knows how things would have turned out if we had. Maybe better. I know at least that part of me would be happy right now.


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