# Confused... to say the least



## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Hey all, 

I've been dating this woman for about 2 months or so. Initially, I thought it was odd that I was nearly always initiating contact, however, since it was early on, I didn't question it much. About a month in I did say it's cool to contact me every now and again, and she said she would. She did for a bit and then it fell off again. So, I'd contact her every few days. Never really experienced this before, and I a new again to the dating arena, so I wasn't sure if this is par for the course. Anyway, last Monday I made plans with her for the weekend, she said great. Again, silence until Friday. Convo went well, but then after I said looking forward in seeing you tomorrow, she said well need to change that a bit. She said @ 8pm tonight (Friday) her cousin called and wanted to call a family meeting or something between a big issue with her sister, and the fam. wants her there. Time of the event, 8pm Saturday night. She then said, I can meet earlier. She knew I was working then, but then asked what time I'd be done. Basically no time. I just said I wish you would had told me earlier, so I could change my weekend plans around. She apologized for late notice and she'll keep me updated on the situation. I just said it is what it is and I hope it all works out.

Nearly a week later, silence. Ideas?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So she never got back to you after that last comment?
May I ask her age?


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Lostinthought61 said:


> So she never got back to you after that last comment?
> May I ask her age?


She just said thanks. Just turned 33.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Do you get the idea she is not into you?....right now you have more vested in this relationship than she has.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Are you sure she is single and not married or has a boyfriend already?


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Do you get the idea she is not into you?....right now you have more vested in this relationship than she has.


I thought it was weird the lack of communication and the sudden family event on Saturday @ 8pm. Hence the reason why I've not contacted her and just let the chips fall where they may. I am just second guessing myself as I do not want to make a mistake or act too hastily.

Some facts about her.

Lives with parents. Intro'd me to her parents twice. First time was by surprise. I didn't mind as I've been through this before. Is on anti-anxiety medicine (she says she's very anxious, but I've not experienced it). Has only had intercourse twice. Once at 24, then 31, and with me in end of April and two weeks ago. She cannot achieve climax during sex due to the anti-anxiety medicine.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Lostme said:


> Are you sure she is single and not married or has a boyfriend already?


Positive. Also checked the dating sites, she's not on them. So do not know if this is her personality or she's anxious, or what. She even wanted to go away with me on vacation in June (she covers her end). It just feels something isn't adding up.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Five things add up to a whopping number. A whipping number.

1) Anti-anxiety medicine.

2) Sex only two times in her life.

3) Lives with mother.

4) Cannot have orgasm. Teils you this? Tells you her sexual statistics. All after a few dates.

5) Cannot remember what she promises. Breaks promises. Is very undependable.

Five lashes to sting the back of your mind.

This lady is among the walking wounded.

Pass on this one...unless she is fabulously rich and soon to expire.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Easiest thing to see maybe much harder to accept. She just isn't into you. You need to move on.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Just be clear, two other people, not just two times..

I figured after the "family event" @ 8pm on Saturday that she wasn't into me. She did offer to see me during the day, but I was working then heading over to her place to pick her up. Then again, why stay with me for two + months? Have intercourse multiple times, introduce me to her parents, etc.? Very strange..

Assuming she does contact me this week, what do I say? Usually, a woman who is not in to you will not have sex with you; especially when she cannot climax. Let allow state I really enjoy spending time and kissing you.. Again, makes little sense.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I really think you sho I'd move on. Too many red flags.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Next!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

itsontherocks said:


> Just be clear, two other people, not just two times..
> 
> I figured after the "family event" @ 8pm on Saturday that she wasn't into me. She did offer to see me during the day, but I was working then heading over to her place to pick her up. Then again, why stay with me for two + months? Have intercourse multiple times, introduce me to her parents, etc.? Very strange..
> 
> Assuming she does contact me this week, what do I say? Usually, a woman who is not in to you will not have sex with you; especially when she cannot climax. Let allow state I really enjoy spending time and kissing you.. Again, makes little sense.


Not really. This is call the plan b standby. You are just there until someone comes along and blows her away. Then you'll be ghosted. Bottom line is you never make someone a priority who is making you option.


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## Loner29 (May 18, 2017)

Looks like she might be contemplating on taking it forward or is not totally interested. Do not get your hopes up on this woman !!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

She has issues with commitment. That is why she tried and then fell short. Quite common now a days sadly. When they feel they are too close, they shy away. This happened to me a while back when I was dating online. Going physical also means exclusivity, so she may not be ready for that and she spooked. Especially with the parents being introduced as well. 

Let it go and move on. She needs to fix her issues.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

itsontherocks said:


> I thought it was weird the lack of communication and the sudden family event on Saturday @ 8pm. Hence the reason why I've not contacted her and just let the chips fall where they may. I am just second guessing myself as I do not want to make a mistake or act too hastily.
> 
> Some facts about her.
> 
> Lives with parents. Intro'd me to her parents twice. First time was by surprise. I didn't mind as I've been through this before. Is on anti-anxiety medicine (she says she's very anxious, but I've not experienced it). Has only had intercourse twice. Once at 24, then 31, and with me in end of April and two weeks ago. She cannot achieve climax during sex due to the anti-anxiety medicine.


Run forest run!

Red flags all over the place


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are really interested in her, give you one more try. If that falls through walk. She might be one of those women who expects the man to make all the contact. So you would need to contact her.

Or just chuck this up to too many red flags and walk away. This might be your best choice because those are big red flags.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Never been in this position.. I thought the living with parents thing was a bit weird at her age for a woman who's a teacher with a master's degree teaching for near a decade and a half. But, I didn't want to judge, and so I let it pass. Ironically, after we started dating, she brought it up that it's time that she finds her own place, I said your call. The little contact and me nearly always making contact bugged me. I talked to her about it, and she'd work on it. It's been nearly a week and pure silence. I just feel something is being kept from me. For instance, she was at my place two weeks ago, and first time she slept over. We were cooking dinner and watching a movie. She went up to get her phone, and there were 8 or 9 missed calls from her younger sister and BIL. She called them and they were just worried about her, that is it. I thought that was odd. I just wonder if there is something else being held from me. Every girl/woman (going back decades now) who I dated always communicated. Heck, even my ex-wife, after we started dating, we were talking near every night. It doesn't seem like she's dating someone else or looking, but the communication issue is a BIG red flag. It reminds me of the end of my marriage where my ex-wife started to withdraw, but tell me alls good, but we have problems... The living with her parents at 33, that's weird too. I also thought her introducing me to her parents after a month was a bit strange. Again, I wasn't asked, it just happened. She told me to come in and the parents opened the door. Strange. No? 

The last Friday text was just weird. Why would your cousin need to have you and a family meeting at 8pm on a Saturday? Even giving her the benefit of the doubt, she said she'd follow up and keep me updated.. A week of silence. Something doesn't add up. I shouldn't have to be jumping to conclusions. 

I am just trying to understand and find a logical reason for the way she's acting. Could it be the meds? I did ask if she is bi-polar, depressed, etc. She said no, just has anxiety issues. I just said to myself how bad can anxiety be? 

Part of me wants to say, what's going on here. The other part of me says just sit back and see where the chips fall. Perhaps, she wants out, and she went no contact so she didn't have to confront me on it? It's fine, I just would had liked some clarity. I am very upfront and direct. All I ask is to be given the same.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> If you are really interested in her, give you one more try. If that falls through walk. She might be one of those women who expects the man to make all the contact. So you would need to contact her.
> 
> Or just chuck this up to too many red flags and walk away. This might be your best choice because those are big red flags.


The communication issue is driving me crazy. It's like an alert in my head going off. One of the reasons why I backed away to see how she handles the situation. Again, this was discussed already. I believe more than once. When people date, are both supposed to make an effort to communicate? If I am mistaken, please let me know. I do not think she's shy, but she has that anxiety issue I guess. This could make things hard for Jesus himself.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> She has issues with commitment. That is why she tried and then fell short. Quite common now a days sadly. When they feel they are too close, they shy away. This happened to me a while back when I was dating online. Going physical also means exclusivity, so she may not be ready for that and she spooked. Especially with the parents being introduced as well.
> 
> Let it go and move on. She needs to fix her issues.


Certainly possible. However, I didn't push her to do anything.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

itsontherocks said:


> Certainly possible. However, I didn't push her to do anything.


No you didn't, but she has an internal clock that ticks and that ticking is cyclical. Her family may be pressuring her as well. There are external forces that motivate us or pressure us. I'm just saying this based on my experience with people that were all in and then out of the blue checked out so to speak. Then a couple of weeks wanted to come back like if nothing had happened and things were good, then bam...they would go distant again. Their problem and a big red flag to move on from that internal tug a war they had to sort out. It's a waste of your time. They are not ready and may never be.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> No you didn't, but she has an internal clock that ticks and that ticking is cyclical. Her family may be pressuring her as well. There are external forces that motivate us or pressure us. I'm just saying this based on my experience with people that were all in and then out of the blue checked out so to speak. Then a couple of weeks wanted to come back like if nothing had happened and things were good, then bam...they would go distant again. Their problem and a big red flag to move on from that internal tug a war they had to sort out. It's a waste of your time. They are not ready and may never be.


Makes sense your points. I am just surprised someone can spend 2.5 months with someone and then just ghost. Didn't think I'd experience this with a near mid 30 year old. For the 1st half of dating caring and then just dropping off the face of the Earth. Just weird. I wonder if this is the new face of dating I will have to get used too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'm just wondering why you would by choice want to date a woman that has "anxiety issues" and clearly haa other issues. She hasn't called you in a week? Either she's totally uninterested or totally a nut case. Just move on, man. 
You found her. You can find another. Preferably one that doesn't have so many problems she can't make it on her own. She lives with her parents for a reason, bro.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Didn't think anxiety issues were that big of a deal. I just find it strange to go hot and cold so fast. I guess that's part of the anxiety? Trust when I say, it's hard out there in the dating world. Slim pickings with one's who are not single mother's and are not emotionally scarred from a bad break-up... Yea, the parent issue was initially a red flag too. I recall that in the past. It was a nightmare. However, she said she was moving out, so I didn't think much of it. However, the communication problem, from the beginning, gave me flashbacks to my ex-wife. I did discuss, but as we all can see, it did little to help. Such a waste of time.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Guess I am a gluten for punishment. I reached out and said it's cool that you no longer want to date, however, I thought you'd at least have enough respect to inform me instead of just ghosting. She replied back, near immediately, stating why is it up to her to always communicate with me. I was a bit dumbfounded, as I always communicate every couple of days. She then said I was furious when she cancelled at the last minute. for verbatim, here's what I texted when she had this family meeting "I wish you would had given me more notice, as I pre-ordered tickets for us for a show, but take care of family. It is what it is." I then tried calling her, but she wouldn't pick-up. Said to her, perhaps things got lost in translation via text and thought speaking would be better. She texted back, sorry, with a friend now. I texted back, no prob.

A mind-numbing experience to say the least. That will be my last text. It was clear I was just an option, or she just didn't care much about me/us building something. Strange correspondence. She cancels on me, so I am the bad guy. Trying to find logic out of a black hole it seems.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

itsontherocks said:


> Guess I am a gluten for punishment. I reached out and said it's cool that you no longer want to date, however, I thought you'd at least have enough respect to inform me instead of just ghosting. She replied back, near immediately, stating why is it up to her to always communicate with me. I was a bit dumbfounded, as I always communicate every couple of days. She then said I was furious when she cancelled at the last minute. for verbatim, here's what I texted when she had this family meeting "I wish you would had given me more notice, as I pre-ordered tickets for us for a show, but take care of family. It is what it is." I then tried calling her, but she wouldn't pick-up. Said to her, perhaps things got lost in translation via text and thought speaking would be better. She texted back, sorry, with a friend now. I texted back, no prob.
> 
> A mind-numbing experience to say the least. That will be my last text. It was clear I was just an option, or she just didn't care much about me/us building something. Strange correspondence. She cancels on me, so I am the bad guy. *Trying to find logic out of a black hole it seems.*




yep you finally got there. Truth is she just isn't into you. Won't be the last and it's not personal. I'm sure as you date some women you'll not be into either. Just learn and grow.

And remember how ****ty the ghosting made you feel and be a better person and don't do that to others you date. You can see how ****ty it feels.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

I do not take it personally, just wished it was told to me prior. To reply and tell me it's a two way street and why should she always have to contact me, when I hadn't heard from her since she cancelled on me is just mesmerizing. I gave her the out, and it was turned on me. Jus confusing. I never ghosted anyone I believe. I always stated I had a good time and just don't feel it. Usually, never heard back. So this one is a weird one. One would say, if there was little or no interest, she'd just let it be, not reply and turn it around. Then, not take the call. So, I was confused on this one.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

So today was going pretty good and I received the following text:

I am very sad because you are an amazingly great guy, but I just do not feel the chemistry, so I do not think we should see each other any longer. I said ok, Take care of yourself and I hope you find what you are looking for. You will be missed. She replied back and said she'll miss me too.

Very strange, as for the last few weeks, she's be saying she enjoys our kissing sessions a lot and for a woman who hasn't been intimate with a man in two years, I would had thought the Oxytocin would had done something to build a relationship, but since she cannot achieve climax, does that prevent Oxytocin from being released? How does one go from that to this? I hold not ill will towards her, but I just would had liked not to be strong along for no reason. Something rang in my head calling BS on that emergency family meeting at Saturday night at 8pm. But then, she walked back and said we can meet earlier because I really want to see you. I miss you. Then when I did text her after she, in my opinion, ghosted me, she immediately replied and said it's a two way street and why she has to initiate all the time. When we both know I initiate every two or three days. I cannot call or stop by as her parents are there. So I am really left to texting, which I am not really in too. When I called and she let it go to voicemail, I think her "friend" was another dude. In fact, I think the family meeting which I was bumped for, but she'd see me earlier (I.E. backup) was a date with another dude. When a girl says friend, it means a dude. When a girl says girlfriend, it's a friend. We've been on more than a dozen dates, multiple times of intimacy. Who does this?

All in all, I was kept on the back burner as a safety. I could never do that to a woman; especially when I am not only dating them for more than a couple of months, but I even asked are you still on the dating sites. She said no. I just feel humiliated and used. Who introduces you to family three or four times and then less than a month later says she doesn't feel chemistry?

It just sucks.. I could never and never led a woman on. Even when I knew they had feeling and I didn't. The funny thing is that she took me out for my birthday and got me gifts just three weeks ago. She invited me also to family dinner for Easter. 

I know I have a problem with trust. But I really thought I could build something here.. I feel like a failure again. Even worse... A humiliated failure. Not sure if I am up to this dating thing again. They play these games... 

Other's have told me just to block her and ghost her back two weeks ago. I think that is a silly way to handle a situation who you've been intimate with. You approach the issue and try to figure it out. Of course, I did it on Saturday @ 5pm (after work for me), so she was with her "friend". Yet, just a few days before, she was with me in my bed.. Very cold. Very cold indeed.


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