# Between a rock and a hard place



## flowmaster2871 (Jun 18, 2013)

I've been married to my wife for over 8 years. Our sex life was great for years but eventually dried up. She hasn't been attracted to me in years. This recently came out in therapy. We've been going to counseling off and on for two years and things are still essentially unchanged. She does try to be more open to having sex but its the same bare minimum in quantity and quality.

I travel frequently for my job and I find myself looking to find someone to scratch the itch. I know affairs are wrong and I don't want to do that. I want my wife to be my only sexual release and outlet but that seems to be more of a fantasy than reality. I am not sure I could go through with it at the end of the day but on the other hand, I'm not sure I could say no either. 

I feel like I'm standing in a field of dry grass, juggling a lit match and gasoline with my spouse holding a hose and refusing to put the fire out. No relationship is 100 percent affair proof. However, I feel like ours is right there. I want to be with her but there is quite a bit of built up frustration, resentment and needs gone unmet. 

Ive told her I'm starving for attention and asked her if she wanted me to cheat on her. Once she said go ahead but I know it was out of her frustration. 
I do try to be romantic and do what makes her happy but I'm often unhappy because of the lack of attention/fulfillment that my attitude quickly sours. I'm not the perfect husband but I try to take care of her needs, especially the ones that are most critical to her. I don't get the same from her. 

I know I can't be the only person on the planet to be married to a good woman but won't step up to the plate and be the sexual partner I need her to be. She is physically fine and there are nothing medically wrong. I'm completely frustrated and not sure what to do. What do you do when you are craving a juicy steak and your partner would rather diet or not eat at all?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Comic Ron White: _Im a pretty good dog, but if you dont pet me once in a while - it's pretty hard to keep me under the porch.._

I know. not funny.

So - still going to counselling and what... nada? Status Quo? Has there been any direction? Are either of you dollowing it or resisting it? Whats going on?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

flowmaster2871 said:


> I've been married to my wife for over 8 years. Our sex life was great for years but eventually dried up. She hasn't been attracted to me in years. This recently came out in therapy. We've been going to counseling off and on for two years and things are still essentially unchanged. She does try to be more open to having sex but its the same bare minimum in quantity and quality.
> 
> I travel frequently for my job and I find myself looking to find someone to scratch the itch. I know affairs are wrong and I don't want to do that. I want my wife to be my only sexual release and outlet but that seems to be more of a fantasy than reality. I am not sure I could go through with it at the end of the day but on the other hand, I'm not sure I could say no either.
> 
> ...


In your shoes I would leave the marriage, or at least start the process and see if that jerks her out of it. Sex is so integral to marriage that I would say she has already left. What have you got to lose?


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## flowmaster2871 (Jun 18, 2013)

From her point of view, she was blissfully unaware sex was a big deal for me until we went into counseling. Never mind that I'd beat the drum on that topic for so long the sticks broke and my hands were bloody. The result of counseling is there is less of a resistance and an acknowledgement that something needs to change, but she accuses me of only wanting her for sex and that I want sex every night. The first is lubricious and the second is true to the extent that I am attracted to her and she still turns me on. She makes me feel like a pervert or sex fiend but my desires/wants/needs haven't changed, hers did in a very major way. 

When we were first together, we had sex almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. We did a lot of experimentation and a variety of different things. There were almost no limits and it was (as far as I know) mutually satisfying. We had a "adult toy box" full of his/hers items and now we have none. I know that sex diminishes and evolves over time due to age/hormones. Ours did not evolve or mature, it burned out.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Oh, you certainly aren't the only person on the planet with this problem! Its sad to read the many stories here of the men who have disinterested wives and who are living without sex.

I am pro marriage and pro romance. I will never condone an affair (even though I certainly can see how one gets to that point.) I think there comes a time after therapy and numerous conversations on the topic ( with no change taking place) - that it is time to separate for a while and see if that makes a difference.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mr. OP,

Your willingness to stay in your sexless marriage is commendable. 

But if it is hurting to you, then maybe you need to change a thing or two, or making another effort where results could be expected. In actuality, TAM is a treasure trove of pertinent information, especially in regards to sex in marriage. 

I would recommend you to _read_ these thread carefully (yes, each and every post, especially the OP's) to gain further insight about "sexless marriage" syndrome from both sides.

This is a success story, required readings for both men and women (thank you Mrs. GettingIt!)
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...-now-how-i-get-my-husband-trust-me-again.html

There are some more good advice in this thread below:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/83665-how-happy-you.html

This below is a story of a man who finally had enough and file for divorce. But not before making very very serious efforts for years. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/67022-ld-wife-has-turned-me-off.html

This one is a sad story, required readings for men who can't let go.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/67027-cruel-unfeeling-wife.html

Well, surely these are enough reading materials for a weekend or three. Happy reading and good luck!

I have been giving the same advice on other threads as well, so I hope there will be more people who would take their time to dive through many past discussions in TAM which are very valuable to broaden their perspectives.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Your wife's responsibility is to take care of your needs and you take care of hers.

You are both not your own anymore, its how to please the other half.

Sex is no big deal to her due to kids, menopause, meds might be needed, she is seeing someone else, or she is genuinely LD.

MC hasn't done much at all either.

I would divorce her if she's not willing to change for the better of the marriage and actually take care of your manly needs.


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## flowmaster2871 (Jun 18, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I am in your situation and it sucks. I don't have any solutions.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

flowmaster2871 said:


> I travel frequently for my job and I find myself looking to find someone to scratch the itch. I know affairs are wrong and I don't want to do that. I want my wife to be my only sexual release and outlet but that seems to be more of a fantasy than reality. I am not sure I could go through with it at the end of the day but on the other hand, I'm not sure I could say no either.


Trust me on this one (or go spend some time reading in the Coping with Infidelity forum), remove an affair from your list of options. If you go that route, eventually, not getting enough sex will be the very least of your problems and you will look back longingly on this pre-affair time as "the good old days" that you would sell your soul to get back to. Infidelity is a deep, dark, horrible, permanent hole you don't ever want to visit, regardless of whether you are the cheater or the cheated upon..


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