# Husband says he doesn't think getting married was a good idea



## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

Hey all, longtime lurker, first time poster here. I've been reading a lot of threads and replies and this seems to be a great place to talk about my problem.

About a week ago my husband told me that some friends of ours who got married around the same time we did, are splitting up. Like us, they got married very young. Then he said, "I'm starting to think that getting married as young as we did wasn't a good idea. A lot of times I wonder what each of us could have been if we hadn't gotten married." 

I'm 30; he's 31 and we've been married since I was 19 and he was 20. We've known each other since we were kids and he's the only guy I ever dated. He had another girlfriend briefly in high school. 

The biggest problem in our marriage has always been a large gap in our sex drives. Like a lot of couples, he has a higher sex drive than I do. He travels 4-5 days per week for work, going to a different city each time but I do try to make it a point to have sex a couple of times during his stays at home. We jokingly refer to the week of my period as "blowjob week." I've told him before that I will give him oral sex any time he wants and I always try to agree if he wants to have sex. He wants me to initiate more. I tried initiating more but he said he could tell my heart wasn't in it.

When I was sixteen years old I was raped by my husband's (then boyfriend's) older brother, who was in his late 20's at the time. Yeah, I married my rapist's little brother. My husband HATES his brother and has been estranged from him ever since he was old enough to cut off contact. I've been to counseling, _we've_ been to counseling, we've tried movies and toys and medicines and creams and changing birth control, but deep deep down there's a part of me that cringes at being touched. I don't know if it's because of the rape or if that's just the way I am. I know other people have recovered from worse things. 

My husband and I get along very very well. We treat each other with respect and kindness. We don't scream or argue with each other; I think he's just kind of tired of being married to someone he has to try so hard with. I don't believe there is a 3rd party but he has admitted to an online porn addiction. I don't have much of a problem with it. If I had a wife who didn't like to be touched I'd probably use porn too. 

When I think about getting divorced I feel grief and fear, but also a sense of relief at never having to have sex again. 

He told me to take some time, get my head together, and think long and hard about what I wanted and that he would do the same. Just hoping you guys can offer some wisdom and advice.

Thank you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you want to be married to him or not? 

That is the question.


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

And a very good question it is.  I just don't know. Imagining life without him is like imagining life without my own skin. He's been a huge part of my life since I was young. I love him and I want the best for his life. 

I have an appointment with a therapist/counselor this Friday.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I have an appointment with a therapist/counselor this Friday.


Good for you! My suggestion would have been IC for you. When you talk to your therapist, ask for a recommendation for a counselor who specializes in rape trauma. It couldn't hurt to give it one more try. Even if it doesn't solve your marital issues, YOU need to try to get better if at all possible. At your age, you should be interested in a strong, active sex life. (Not judging you, just hate to see you miss out on an important part of your human existence.)

BTW: I hope your husband's rat-bast*rd brother did prison time!


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