# At Crossroads, so hard to walk away fo



## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

About 18months ago my H had an EA. We were going through a rough patch in my marriage. I was controlling, abusive and have anger issues. I since been to IC

We decided to give our M another try. I found out 5 days ago they they have been back in contact via texting. I feel betrayed again and have lost trust. WH has been remorseful, begged me to stay etc. I know the best option is to walk away from someone who has hurt me twice, but my heart breaks when I think about doing it. Part of me thinks he is genuinely remorseful and would not do it again, the other wants to kick him to the kerb. This would hurt me more than giving him another chance.

We have been married 19years with a 17 year old son. 

I am at a crossroads and at lost what to do. Any advice?


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

BoooBooo said:


> About 18months ago my H had an EA. We were going through a rough patch in my marriage. I was controlling, abusive and have anger issues. I since been to IC
> 
> We decided to give our M another try. I found out 5 days ago they they have been back in contact via texting. I feel betrayed again and have lost trust. WH has been remorseful, begged me to stay etc. I know the best option is to walk away from someone who has hurt me twice, but my heart breaks when I think about doing it. Part of me thinks he is genuinely remorseful and would not do it again, the other wants to kick him to the kerb. This would hurt me more than giving him another chance.
> 
> ...


BoooBooo, the only differences between your situation and mine is that I have a 17yr old daughter.....oh and my wife cheated on me.

My advice having just been through 6months of hell is GET OUT NOW!!!

Like my wife, your husband will not change.....my wife had 6 EA's the last of which (for certain) was physical; the previous 5 could well have been as well but I never found out.

Like you, I wanted desperately to save my marriage until I realised that there was NOTHING worth saving....the sense of betrayal and pain endured is simply unbearable and you're unlikely ever to get over that. There will probably always be that element of doubt in your mind.

Get free, enjoy your life and know that there is someone out there who will adore you, treat you with respect and love you for you; you say you were controlling and abusive. Perhaps you were but to your credit, you have addressed those demons but whatever the case, it still does not justify your husband's affair.

As the first MC said to my WW, "he could have pushed you all the way up to the fence but you made a conscious CHOICE to jump the fence....say it again A CONSCIOUS CHOICE!!!! That's what cheaters don't accept....their choices and the consequences thereof.

BB, best of luck with your decision and for what its worth, it is very very painful I know, and it seems like the world is collapsing around you. BUT, the sun will come up tomorrow, life will go on and when you make the decision to take back your locus of control, it gets easier by the hour.

I was with my STBXW for 23 yrs and married for 19 yrs.....I don't have a single adult memory that doesn't include her. But, that said, I'm 42yrs old, have a successful business, a beautiful daughter who lives with me and the world is my oyster!! 

:smthumbup:


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

Thanks for your reply.....i am battling with this. There are times when I just need him to say sorry a million times and throw himself at my feet then seconds later I want to walk away. I truly love him. Only last week we were on holiday and I was made to feel so very loved. My heart is so crushed when I think of what he has done. He tells me she was her support when we went through the horrible phase in our marriage.

He is insistence he will not contact her ever again and loves only me. I want so much to believe, but feel scared that which ever decision I make will be the biggest mistake of my life.

My H is a very 'helpful' person and falls for the 'damsel in distress' I need your help kind of thing. The first time, she said she wanted his help to find her boyfriend a job, this time she wanted his help to put together a 'work' album. She is an ex co-worker. Who wants mementoes of their work place! H found it all very flattering and said it made him feel good about himself.

How can I believe this is it? How can I walk away from someone I love very much, despite this? :-(


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

BoooBooo said:


> Thanks for your reply.....i am battling with this. There are times when I just need him to say sorry a million times and throw himself at my feet then seconds later I want to walk away. I truly love him. Only last week we were on holiday and I was made to feel so very loved. My heart is so crushed when I think of what he has done. He tells me she was her support when we went through the horrible phase in our marriage.
> 
> He is insistence he will not contact her ever again and loves only me. I want so much to believe, but feel scared that which ever decision I make will be the biggest mistake of my life.
> 
> ...


BB, if I could have a "do over", I would have insisted on a seperation in February when I found out. Lord knows I was given some sage advice by the folks here on TAM but like you, I thought I could "fix her", make her love me again and truly believed in my love for her being able to transcend everything that had happened.

IT CAN'T Hun!!!

You love him for sure that is still a reality now because the wound is fresh....

At best, you guys should seperate and do some deep introspection....again, I was given this advice, not only here on TAM but also by many close friends. Why did I not follow it? 

In my pathetic state, I wanted to "control" her movements and it was only when I traveled again on business in May that I realised that there was no way I could stop her from cheating on me whether I was at home or not.

So here's the thing, if you seperate and he hooks up with her (or anyone else) you will probably never know. You need to decide whether you can cope with that and I doubt I could have despite what I said above about seperating if I could "do over" the last 6months.


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

That is it....I do feel our love will get us through this. H Has been adamant that whatever route I choose he will not contact her again. However, the thought of saying goodbye and closing the door on this one is very hard to take.

But I know I can never be sure that he will not do this again, and of course they all protests they won't.

My son thinks that it is my fault as I am so horrible to Dad...(his words)


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

Can I ask, what has changed for you to ask for a separation now?


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

BoooBooo said:


> Can I ask, what has changed for you to ask for a separation now?


I am not seperating, I am divorcing her. My STBXW is a serial cheater who has decided that an emotional disconnection from me 17yrs ago when our daughter was born is just cause for her to behave the way she has....

I could not do the seperation thing to allow her to"find herself" which is basically a licence to go and screw her brains out around town and then decide whether I am "all that" and want to come back.... I have been a doormat for way too many years now.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Dave. Glad to hear you have a path to move forward. Godspeed! You will be better off

OP just as the decision to cheat was his. The decision to r or d is yours. 

Have you asked him to take a polygraph? Judge his reaction. Don't be surprised if you get a last minute confession of additional details.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

BoooBooo said:


> That is it....I do feel our love will get us through this. H Has been adamant that whatever route I choose he will not contact her again. However, the thought of saying goodbye and closing the door on this one is very hard to take.
> 
> But I know I can never be sure that he will not do this again, and of course they all protests they won't.
> 
> My son thinks that it is my fault as I am so horrible to Dad...(his words)


Was the Ea just helping her get her BF a job, and working on an album? Were there I love you's exchanged, or just sticking to the subject...It could be that she was being predatory, and he didn't really pick up on it........

I think you should expose her to her BF, and at if it won't affect your husbands job, at work too.....Get 2 var's, one in his car, and one wherever he talks on the phone when at home...

Have your husband go totally transparent, tell him you are consulting a lawyer about a divorce, and tell him the ball is in his court as to whether the marriage is going to last....He needs a serious wake up call, RIGHT NOW...

You will find out from the var's if the EA has gone PA.....And if it has stopped for real....

good luck

the woodchuck


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

Initially, it was a friend thing, which developed into 'I love yous', it really hurts typing that knowing he said it to someone else.

H said she made him feel wanted and needed as I never needed him, I am independent and working. I have always told him that although I never needed him, I always want him. He said his ego was being stroked by being needed. 

Woodchuck, She does seem a bit predatory as she is a single mother and my H is quite successful and high up in the Company, however, as it has been pointed out, H made the decision to text. He did pick up on this and he was flattered. She is 12 years younger than him. That is what he told me.

Funny thing is, I have a gut feeling that he wouldn't be so stupid as to call her as everything is transparent and was so from the last EA. The only reason I found out about the texts was because I wanted to see the data usage from our holiday. I wished I hadn't stopped checking a long time ago. This bout of texting started 6 weeks ago with approx 380 texts.

I have not asked him to take a polygraph, but I have asked him to tell me the contents of texts/ pics and that I would send his phone/sim away to get these.

The reason this is such a difficult decision is I thought we were beginning to get back to how we were when we first met, with the emotional connection. I don't feel an emotional disconnection to him despite this. 

He is very remorseful and upset, crying begging etc. the sticking point for me is this is the second time.

H doesn't blame me for what he did, he says it was the attention, and flattery. He says he has low self esteem and that why she made him feel so excited and good about receiving her texts.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to put some protectoins in place in your marraige so it is very hard for him to start doing it again.

-- He blocks her from phone or gets a new phone
-- You see his phone / passwords / computers etc
-- etc.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I had two DD's similar situation to yours in that H lied to me for 6 months after DD#1 that he was not in contact...turned out he was even right thru marriage counselling, etc.

In hindsight I wish I had kicked him out because now 15 months later I find that it makes me feel resentful that he lied to me, looked me in the eye and said nothing is going on.

Your H needs to have severe consequences for what he did and I think kicking him out is the way to go. Your trust is shot...and honestly no matter what kind of a wife you were he had no right to do that behind your back he could have left the marriage instead.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Did you confront his OW? I would...H's OW was long distance and believe me I did not hesitate to let her know what I thought of her.

As well I told as many people as I could about what H did...

In our case son was disgusted by his dad and that was a good thing because it caused great shame for H.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Low self esteem...give me a break...tell him to start lifting/running marathons/take a course, etc. etc.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Do they work together? No contact is a must if you want to save your marriage.


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

This is what I am afraid of. My mind is tormented. I keep coming up with he is remorseful now and know how much it hurt me so why do it in the first place.

Sometimes they so stupid, thinking it is only texting and they will never get caught. He keeps telling me he 'gets'' my hurt, but do they really? I want to hurt him bad too and the way to do this now is for me to walk away. However, the realisation of this tears me up.


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

Vi_Bride 04, as far as I am aware there is absolutely no contact. There is transparency and H knows that getting back together is off the table at any hint of any contact. If she contacts him, he is to ignore and show me the texts.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

BoooBooo said:


> This is what I am afraid of. My mind is tormented. I keep coming up with he is remorseful now and know how much it hurt me so why do it in the first place.
> 
> Sometimes they so stupid, thinking it is only texting and they will never get caught. He keeps telling me he 'gets'' my hurt, *but do they really?* I want to hurt him bad too and the way to do this now is for me to walk away. However, the realisation of this tears me up.


I think in some cases they do. I believe my wife does. Last evening my wife and I had a good talk. I have been out of sorts the past several days. I told her after she asked me some questions, that if I really told her what I was thinking, it would not help and would only be me ripping into her. I told her I had triggers over the past several days and that I need to find constructive ways to deal with them and I would be unfair if I throw them into her face. I really want to at times, I really want to rip into her, there are times I just want to go into combat mode (like in Iraq) and ambush her arse. I did enough of that over a month ago. It helped at first and then it just got old for her and me. And frankly, it got to a point where I was not being fair. I had to find better constructive ways of communicating my pain and hurt to her and sometimes just saying I am having a horrible day and thoughts just keep poppling into my mind (without having to go into detail), was enough. My wife is really trying hard to be there for me and it is not fake. We have had some terrible fights, but in the end we have been able to muddle through even these times. A few weekends ago I went and visited the sites that my wife had sex with the XOM. I should not have gone there, but I wanted to see some of these places. In one way I am glad I did it, but it pis*ed me off and added to the big fight we had. 

How do you get over the pain and hurt? Time. Talking it out. Letting your emotions run their course. And when you will hopefully have moments where you turn corners toward healing. And then there will be days where you think you are coasting along fairly well and wham. But it does get better. 

It is a two way street. Both of you have to work on it. The WS does have to do most of the heavy lifting, and when you see that they are, then you need to come along side them and start helping carry that load. But a lot depends on your husband at this point.

Your emotions are normal under the circumstances. Your wavering between various courses of action are also normal. I would suggest that you get to the point of where you are at peace with leaving him. That you reach a conclusion that he is not really worth it. That once you reach this point and you decide to stay, it is your choice and he should forever have an attitude of wanting to kiss your as* for granting him this gift. 

I have gotten this from my wife, but seriously, I don't want to continueally rub it in her face.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Wideopn Dave said:


> I could not do the seperation thing to allow her to"find herself" which is basically a licence to go and screw her brains out around town and then decide whether I am "all that" and want to come back.... I have been a doormat for way too many years now.


QFT above. WATCH OUT on separations. It makes screwing another way way easier. We have seen this ?How many times?

/begin hijack
Welcome to the other side Dave! It is interesting to watch people go thru their periods of trouble. finish. then come to the other side as advisors here. 
/end hijack

OP Dave was where you were several months ago and is now helping YOU.


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

I don't think a separation is on the table, it will be all or nothing.

Thorburn, thank you for post. H tells me he will work at it and do what ever I need at this point. How do I come to terms that I am able to leave him? I don't need him financially so am not dependent on him for anything. For me it is only because I love him that I am finding this so difficult and hurtful. Is he worth it....I ask myself this constantly :-(

H will talk to me whenever I ask, but I can see the frustration, when I do.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Unless someone has experienced it first hand I truly believe that they cannot "understand" what the BS goes thru.

Especially in cases of EA's because I think the mentality is nothing physical happened so it is not as bad...

My H would keep describing his online conversations with his EA as "idle chitchat"...hmmmmm I do not call it idle chitchat when his EA thinks she is going to move over here and live with him for the rest of her life or when they are telling each other they love each other....

SOrry idle chitchat is what I do with people at work, etc. I do not tell guys I work with that I love them and want to live with them.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Don't stay for the memories or your child (although he's 17 already). Stay because you think the marriage worth fighting for.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

BB,

What is the likelihood that they just resumed texting after all this time? Especially since you stopped monitoring him. I would say small. It would also be unusual for a man to have an EA this long and it not go physical. Most men just aren't built to have long term EA's. Not saying it's impossible, but you need to understand the percentages.

You drew a line in the sand after you found out about the first EA. He crossed it. Now you're in a tough spot. You lose credibility by staying with him. Because without a significant consequence to him this time, he's all the more likely to repeat that behavior. 

I'm not necessarily advocating you to divorce him, but he needs to believe that you are. Separate from him for at least a week or two. Get a free consult with a divorce attorney. Implement the 180 to detach for a while. Let him understand what it feels like to lose a wife for cheating.

Then expose him to your family and his family. 

If after this, he continues to show remorse, and you still want to R, you can go from there. But this time, make sure he agrees to firm boundaries, is transparent, and demonstrates consistent remorse. And don't stop monitoring him.

If he so much scratches his @ss the wrong way; leave him and don't look back.

Divorce may be the better way to go, but as I see it, this is the next best available option for you.

Keep posting and we can help you discern his level of remorse if you decide to R.


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

I am in tears now because I want to believe he is remorseful, I want this to work, but as you pointed out he already fooled me once. 

How can I stay and still have any self respect left, as it is my self esteem is shattered to pieces.

How can the WS says oh she made me feel good not totally aware the devastating consequences to the BS.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

BoooBooo said:


> How can I stay and still have any self respect left, as it is my self esteem is shattered to pieces.


That is the eternal question that all BS's have to answer for themselves. I had to as well. You are the only one that can answer it.

If you do stay, I suggest you follow my advice and give him those consequences. If he still shows remorse after that and you decide on R, you won't have to look back and regret not testing his resolve enough.


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

We had a long talk last night and H said he will do whatever I need him to do. He came home early from work because I was having a texting 'rant' about him not giving a s#%* about me in any of this.

He was very honest and told me some things I did not want to hear. H wants to be loving and hold me all the time. I need to see these texts and pic messages to see if he is telling me the truth about what they contain. I think seeng these will help me in my decision.

can anyone tell me whether wondershare Dr phone works. Is it worth paying for?


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## GreenThumb (Jul 5, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I think in some cases they do. I believe my wife does. Last evening my wife and I had a good talk. I have been out of sorts the past several days. I told her after she asked me some questions, that if I really told her what I was thinking, it would not help and would only be me ripping into her. I told her I had triggers over the past several days and that I need to find constructive ways to deal with them and I would be unfair if I throw them into her face. I really want to at times, I really want to rip into her, there are times I just want to go into combat mode (like in Iraq) and ambush her arse. I did enough of that over a month ago. It helped at first and then it just got old for her and me. And frankly, it got to a point where I was not being fair. I had to find better constructive ways of communicating my pain and hurt to her and sometimes just saying I am having a horrible day and thoughts just keep poppling into my mind (without having to go into detail), was enough. My wife is really trying hard to be there for me and it is not fake. We have had some terrible fights, but in the end we have been able to muddle through even these times. A few weekends ago I went and visited the sites that my wife had sex with the XOM. I should not have gone there, but I wanted to see some of these places. In one way I am glad I did it, but it pis*ed me off and added to the big fight we had.
> 
> How do you get over the pain and hurt? Time. Talking it out. Letting your emotions run their course. And when you will hopefully have moments where you turn corners toward healing. And then there will be days where you think you are coasting along fairly well and wham. But it does get better.
> 
> ...


Crossroads,
One portion of your response resonated with me and I wanted to clarify. You mentioned to the OP that she needs to get to the point where she is at peace with leaving WH, thinking he's not worth it. Then make a decision. I feel I am at this point with my WH one week shy of 90 days since DDay. I am thinking that my feeling this way points to D rather than R because I feel as if my intellectual wins over my emotional self. Why do you believe that the OP/BSs need to get to this point and when they do, don't you think this is antiR, at least to some degree? I suspect this is a thread jack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

BB: Listen carefully to advice given here!

Thread jack alert: sitting here reading this, a big smile breaks out on my face when I see it is Dave offering advice.....welcome to this side Dave. Be prepared to get yelled at, told off when they don't like what you say, but now another paddle in the water for your journey.

BB: so sorry for your pain. YOU are not responsible for your H decisions. I am the poster child for thinking it was my actions that drove my WW to cheat. Now two years later I know better, for whatever you/I did, they chose to break their vows we didn't.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> BB: Listen carefully to advice given here!
> 
> Thread jack alert: sitting here reading this, a big smile breaks out on my face when I see it is Dave offering advice.....welcome to this side Dave. Be prepared to get yelled at, told off when they don't like what you say, but now another paddle in the water for your journey.
> 
> BB: so sorry for your pain. YOU are not responsible for your H decisions. I am the poster child for thinking it was my actions that drove my WW to cheat. Now two years later I know better, for whatever you/I did, they chose to break their vows we didn't.


I agree....I too took 100% of the blame at the time for what H did...now I take 0% of the blame for what he did. It is easy for the BS to blame themselves because the WS makes them feel like well if you did this or didn't do this then poor me I would not have had to cheat...understand that line is total bull****!

I remember telling H that I would go myself to counselling to fix me and because I had gained about 20 lbs over the years that don't worry I will lose that weight...I feel disgusted with myself for carrying so much of the burden about what he "chose" to do.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Take your personal power back and if you want to stay this guy better do no contact and you have open access to everything he owns.


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

H has taken 100% of the blame on the EA, he has said he will do anything I ask of him. Also The transparency thing was set up before, I just didn't keep a check on it :-( 

I am still thinking is H worth this hurt? It is vey hard to decide either way. I don't know where I am.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I totally get where you are coming from regarding if it is worth it...I struggle with it too. I don't know once someone betrays you especially twice it is so hard to regain trust back.


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

Found a place to stay, still not sure whether to go ahead, we are both circling each other warily :-(

I think we know that once the decision is made there will be no turning back from either of us.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I have heard good things about thr book "Surviving an Affair" and the Marriage Builders website. Just steer clear of the forums.


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

I given H all my conditions and asked him to read 'Not Just Friends', he is asking me to help him to help me by not turning away from him when he tries to hold me. 

My anxiety levels goes crazy, part of me want him to hold me and get back to our intimacy levels which has taken us nearly a whole year to get back. The other just wants to hurt him so bad :-(


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

BoooBooo said:


> That is it....I do feel our love will get us through this. H Has been adamant that whatever route I choose he will not contact her again. However, the thought of saying goodbye and closing the door on this one is very hard to take.
> 
> But I know I can never be sure that he will not do this again, and of course they all protests they won't.
> 
> My son thinks that it is my fault as I am so horrible to Dad...(his words)


are you so horrible to dad? why would he say that?
Not your fault he cheated of course but are you horrible?


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

The first EA, we were going through a rough patch where H said I was controlling and angry all the time. I am ashamed to admit I was also quite emotionally abusive too. 

However, after the first EA I went to IC and stopped the abuse and my anger has been tempered. For example, the name calling has completely stopped but I still loose my rag occasionally with son rather than husband now. 

During the last 18months, it has been much better but H said that I would argue with son and then turn my anger at him and 'have a go'at him. I ask H to support me in this, but H says he can not as I should not be shouting at our son as I am the adult here. This is the me being horrible to dad bit. 

H tells me the initial contact with the OW was due to our (son and I) constant arguing, and he needed someone to talk to.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

BoooBooo said:


> The first EA, we were going through a rough patch where H said I was controlling and angry all the time. I am ashamed to admit I was also quite emotionally abusive too.
> 
> However, after the first EA I went to IC and stopped the abuse and my anger has been tempered. For example, the name calling has completely stopped but I still loose my rag occasionally with son rather than husband now.
> 
> ...


I am glad to see you are trying to work on it, sounds like some anger management is in order though. Kids don't respond well to being yelled at often. It turns them into weak adults that are easily controlled. Or worse, emotional abusers themselves. Also sounds like it was bad enough that your husband needed to talk to someone but was afraid to talk to you. I think he made a bad choice and should have given you an ultimatum, either get control of your self or I am gone would have been a much more mature decision than to look outside the marriage. You both have some blame as with all affairs. Time to really hear one another's needs. 
Also sounds like the child has resentment for the treatment received and you have to realize there is a valid reason for that.


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

Thanks for your insight, the yelling was only when son was being 'lippy' with attitude. Though, it doesn't excuse my behaviour.

I am going to try to work on R with H. I am finding it difficult to walk away from our 24 years together and 19 year marriage.

I do see him being remorseful and although early days, the last couple of days have seen him doing some 'heavy lifting' as well as beginning to read NJF


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BoooBooo said:


> About 18months ago my H had an EA. We were going through a rough patch in my marriage. I was controlling, abusive and have anger issues. I since been to IC
> 
> We decided to give our M another try. I found out 5 days ago they they have been back in contact via texting. I feel betrayed again and have lost trust. WH has been remorseful, begged me to stay etc. I know the best option is to walk away from someone who has hurt me twice, but my heart breaks when I think about doing it. Part of me thinks he is genuinely remorseful and would not do it again, the other wants to kick him to the kerb. This would hurt me more than giving him another chance.
> 
> ...


Well, one of you decided to work on your marriage.

Get legal advice on a post-nup.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

BoooBooo said:


> H tells me the initial contact with the OW was due to our (son and I) constant arguing, and he needed someone to talk to.


Sorry, but this is bullcrap. Did he also tell you it is easier for him to talk to women?


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

Yes, actually he did. H also has lots more female friends than males. Do you think I am making a grave mistake? H has been telling me all weekend that he will do what ever it is I require, even moving out if necessary. Feeling insecure about my decision :-(


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

BoooBooo said:


> Yes, actually he did.


 Of course he did. I heard the same excuse form my wife. I've read the same excuse in multiple threads. That's why I asked. It is a BS response. I am not talking about having female friends, but the fact he trotted out the tired "it is easier" excuse. IMO, it is a cover so they can say an Ea or PA "just happened." 


> H also has lots more female friends than males.


Now, you do sound like you have anger management issues and you need to work on that permanently. You also need to see an Individual counselor. It sounds like your jealousy stems from his "harem." That may be the root of your issues. it sounds like he has too many girl "friends" and he acts inappropriately with them. Instead of dealing with that specific problem, you rage at him and the kids. In this way, you avoid the real problems of your marriage.


Anger management issues or not he should have talked to you or gone to a counselor. Talking to another opposite sex friend can lead to trouble. I have female friends and NONE of them know about my wife's EA. That can open doors and avenues that should not be approached by someone of the opposite sex. Unless, of course, they are a counselor or someone in a similar position.


Also, quit taking this out on your child it will lead to resentment and hate. Walk out of the room, take a walk, go get a drink of water, but make sure you think carefully before you speak. 



> Do you think I am making a grave mistake?


 Not if you are doing it for the right reason. If you are doing this because of his inappropriate actions it isn't a mistake. 

If it is pure anger and rage then it might be a grave mistake. I am not saying you can't be angry, but you need to make sure it isn't a knee jerk reaction because of your anger management issues. You need to sit down and really evaluate your position.



> H has been telling me all weekend that he will do what ever it is I require, even moving out if necessary. Feeling insecure about my decision :-(


As they say, "the proof is in the pudding." He can't be trusted around women. He needs to end all female friendships, tell you about ALL inappropriate relationships, give you all passwords to everything and learn the difference between controlling and trust.

Also, he needs to tell you if there were any other EAs or PAs before you go forward. Heck, tell him you want a polygraph and watch his reaction. Make no promises of staying together, working things out or anything that implies a promise. He needs to trust that you'll make the right decision with the truth, just like you believed all of his women friend were "innocent" relationships.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

BoooBooo said:


> Feeling insecure about my decision :-(


 Just because you feel insecure about your decision to R, does not mean that it is the wrong decision. Your situation sucks. Like they said in the movie Argo, there is no good option, only the "best worst option". Now that you have decided that the best worst option is R, stop second guessing yourself and move forward doing your best to R. Give it your best shot. Yes it may fail no matter what you do, but you only increase the odds of it failing if you do not fully commit to it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BoooBooo said:


> That is it....I do feel our love will get us through this. H Has been adamant that whatever route I choose he will not contact her again. However, the thought of saying goodbye and closing the door on this one is very hard to take.
> 
> But I know I can never be sure that he will not do this again, and of course they all protests they won't.
> 
> My son thinks that it is my fault as I am so horrible to Dad...(his words)


I think you would benefit from reading "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Start with that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BoooBooo said:


> H has taken 100% of the blame on the EA, he has said he will do anything I ask of him. Also The transparency thing was set up before, I just didn't keep a check on it :-(
> 
> I am still thinking is H worth this hurt? It is vey hard to decide either way. I don't know where I am.





BoooBooo said:


> I was controlling, abusive and have anger issues.


And I'll bet he's still not quite ready to trust that you will not start mistreating him again.

I would think that in such a situation, a lot of forgiveness by both of you is part of the cure.

Since you are not yet ready to let this marriage go, give it one more try. Put strong boundaries in place. ("His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" are good books for this.)

Give is a set time period... evaluate in 6 months. Than at a year and so forth.


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

Thank you for all your replies, they have given me food for thought. Elegirl, you are definitely right about H worried about me mistreating him as he has brought this up quite regularly whenever I have 'a go' at him. 

H tells me he feels a disconnect when this happens and I admit when this situation arises, I usually shrug off his attempts at trying to hold me etc....

Philly, I do have anger management issues, we are both going to have some IC and MC as a way forward. Me for anger management and H for his self esteem issues. What you said re taking out on my son makes sense, this is what H has always said and that was his main reason for not 'sticking up for me as H thinks yelling at our son is out of order.

TRy, H says he is committed to make a go at this, I do too, but scared of being made a fool of again, hence the faltering. I hear what you are saying and will make a concerted effort not to let again doubts or negativity to cloud my thinking.


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

H and I had a big barney tonight. During today I was flirting with him via texts. I was with a friend and was discussing another friend's situation in which she hinted to us that her H was a player and she was ok with it as it was only sex. My friend points out to me that my H was not the type and he would be a fool to do anything etc. as I was really pretty etc.

This got me thinking and upset me a bit as I then went down the pity me route, if I am so pretty etc, why did my H get involved with an EA.

When H got home I was a little distant as I was feeling sorry for myself. I tried to explain to H how I was feeling and he blew up saying I was deliberately needling him and I was being manipulative and playing him. H said he went out of his way to be loving to me and I shunned him. He stormed off to bed and I am left wondering what the he!! Did I do? :-( 

God I hate this rollercoaster. It isn't working is it?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

BoooBooo said:


> H and I had a big barney tonight. *During today I was flirting with him via texts.* I was with a friend and was discussing another friend's situation in which she hinted to us that her H was a player and she was ok with it as it was only sex. My friend points out to me that my H was not the type and he would be a fool to do anything etc. as I was really pretty etc.
> 
> *This got me thinking and upset me a bit as I then went down the pity me route, if I am so pretty etc, why did my H get involved with an EA.
> *
> ...


Dear BoooBooo,

There's an old expression that I think applies to your situation: time to sh!t or get off the pot.

Your WH deserves whatever he gets. You don't deserve any of this. That said, you are making your situation worse by vacillating between trying half-heartedly to reconcile with him one minute and acting as if you want to dump him the next. What you described today is a prime example. You say you were flirting with him while he was at work but, because you heard something that disturbed you, when he got home, you shunned him.

Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. He's trying to win you back and you, within the span of a few hours, send him positive and then negative signals. Yes, he should be big enough and sorry enough to put up with this but, obviously, he either can't or won't. So it's up to you to decide what you really want. If you want to give him another chance, then at least give him encouragement when he does the right things. If you don't, then divorce him and get on with your life. Even you recognize that what you're doing isn't working.

I also question whether some of the advice you are getting on TAM/CWI is helping you. Most people here have been seriously bruised by infidelity and have a no holds barred attitude about how one should treat a WS (not that they necessarily treated their WS the way they are advising you to when they had the chance). Not saying that this attitude is wrong but it is not conducive to reconciliation. I suggest you read Thorburn's thread (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/67156-i-am-back-gets-worse.html) if you want to see one approach to reconciliation that seems to be working. There are many others that might also help you (_e.g._, calvin's, Someday Dig's and MattMatt's).

Again, I'm not telling you what to do. That is for you to decide. I'm just suggesting that you think harder about what you really want -- to save your marriage or to end it -- and then focus on making that happen.

Wishing you the best.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*YOUR HUSBAND*
Your husband made a terrible mistake by getting involved in the EAs
There is no way that I can put a positive spin on an EA of any kind
From your posts he is desperately trying to make it up to you.
He has agreed to every bit of accountability that you have stated.
He is crying and remorseful
He is going to have to endure the pain that cannot be avoided
He tries to be loving and hug you.



*YOU*
You have stated that you are controlling, have anger issues, and were emotionally abusive
You seem to have a rocky relationship with your son and your son thinks that you are to blame for your husbands situation.
Your husband does not blame you he blames himself
"He said he went out of his way to be loving to me and I shunned him."
"I usually shrug off his attempts at trying to hold me etc...."
You talk to your friend about her husband being a player and she allowing him to have sex with another woman ( very anti-productive?)




You said that you both are going to go to counseling.

*I SAY RUN RUN to counseling because you BOTH need it very badly*


Blunt


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## BoooBooo (Jul 26, 2013)

Carmen, Ohio, you are right about putting myself in his shoes for the minute, because when we spoke about what happened the night before, H said that when he got home he felt very positive about us moving forward but he then felt really down when I didn't respond to his hugs etc.

We have agreed to shelve any negative thoughts of a divorce at the moment and give it one month and then revaluate.

Mr Blunt, we are in the process of choosing a counsellor, just waiting for our assessment session.

I do see that my vacillating between staying and going isn't helping.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

BoooBooo said:


> Carmen, Ohio, you are right about putting myself in his shoes for the minute, because when we spoke about what happened the night before, H said that when he got home he felt very positive about us moving forward but he then felt really down when I didn't respond to his hugs etc.
> 
> We have agreed to shelve any negative thoughts of a divorce at the moment and give it one month and then revaluate.
> 
> ...


BoooBooo, how are things going with you?


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