# Trouble with my husband's sexual desires (hotwife complex)



## aabhudson

My husband and I have been married for 3 years but have been together since we were 13. We've grown up together and and shared every experience of adolescent and adult life together. 

Within the last year, it has come to my attention that my husband has a 'hotwife' interest. He told me it started when we were in HS and we were in a friend's car with me between him and another male friend. My husband said it started him thinking about how hot it would be to watch another guy touch me. Well, four years ago he and another male friend got drunk and convinced me to have a sexual encounter with both of them. I have regretted it and hated myself for it ever since. I feel dirty and bad because up until that point my husband was the only man I had ever been sexual with. Three years later I can barely look that friend in the face which is heartbreaking because we were very good friends up until that point. My husband loved it. 

I recently walked in on him pleasuring himself to porn where a man was watching his significant other have sex with another man. I was very upset by this as he knows how I feel about porn. It hurt me deeply because we have made our own videos for his private viewing and I don't understand how he could make a conscious choice to watch other women when he has videos and pictures of me. He explained it wasn't about the other women, but about the scenario of a man watching his wife have sex with another man. Still, it hurt me.

I installed several tracking devices on our computer so I could know what he was doing and when. He swore he wouldn't watch porn anymore. 

I went out of town to visit my father for a week and when I came back I checked the programs. He had been watching more 'hotwife' porn, so I confronted him about it since he swore he wouldn't do it anymore. Anyway, long story short he agreed that I should be able to have the programs on the computer since he has proven to be untrustworthy and he wants to win my trust back. I told him porn was unacceptable because we have our own videos but that erotic fiction was alright. (It's something about him looking at other, real women that bothers me, not him reading about fictitious scenarios.)

Anyway, after taking our baby over to visit my mom, I looked at our browser history and he had been reading MFM erotica, which is fine, but has now got me concerned. 

We have talked about his desires and how he wants to watch me with other men and I have explained to him that it is just not going to happen. I am concerned because we are not on the same page sexually. I do not want to sleep with other men. If I did, I would not have married my husband. It hurts me that he would want me to because it makes me feel like he doesn't love me as much as I love him, as I would NEVER share him with another woman. I know it is just a sexual preference thing, but I do not understand it. He has tried to explain that it is about watching me have pleasure, but if that is the case why can't he just watch our videos? I am having pleasure in those, so why is that not enough? We have sex very regularly and it is almost always great, but when I am away from home why are the videos of us not enough to satisfy him? Why does he continue to seek out this 'hotwife' desire?

Is there anything I can do to help him feel sexually satisfied without sleeping with other men? Can someone please explain to me (In non judgmental terms) why my husband is turned on by the idea of me sleeping with other people? I am not judging him, I just do not understand it, as it is not my sexual desire. And is there any way for me to keep from getting my feelings hurt by it? Because they are very very hurt right now. I feel inadequate and am wondering if monogamous sex will eventually not be enough for him. 

He has never expressed any desire to sleep with other women and when we had the encounter three years ago, he and the other male never touched, so I am not concerned with 'latent homosexuality'. I really just want to understand why he finds the scenario so arousing, because I do not. Anyone who has this desire, if you could please explain it to me, do. I just want to be sexually satisfied and I want the same for my husband, but it is hard to with hurt feelings and without understanding why he feels the way he does.


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## Kaboom

He doesn't love you any less, that's one thing you need to understand. The hotwife fetish is complex for both men and women. There's several variations, but your husband was being completely honest in what he said about it being a turn on watching you with OM.

Part of the issue is that you see sex one-dimensionally, which there's nothing wrong with that in itself, but he sees things from a far more liberal perspective. The fetish itself is fantastic when both parties are on the same page, but as you can read from several topics here- married couples are often not on the same page, and many times, not even in the same book.

As you have clearly stated that you tried it, you felt dirty, and have no reason to do it again. I think the only advice I can offer is that you let him know what the limits are on your involvement in his fantasy- but also understand that he's very turned on by these fantasies, so why not let him "get it out of his system" by letting him watch the porn once every 15 or 30 days or something? Or have you thought about maybe roleplaying the fantasy somehow just between the two of you (him pretending to be the OM or something)?

One thing I've noticed with most couples, is that when one gets turned on by something outside the marriage, the spouse inside the marriage tends to see a stronger libido and better sex. 

Instead of shutting his fantasies out entirely, maybe find a way that you can support the fantasy without having to involve a third party.

I used to be part of the "lifestyle" including threesomes, cuckolding, hotwives, etc.. and frankly, it's been a really positive and sexually liberating thing for me. While it's clearly not for everyone, I do honestly believe those drawn to it are not sick or perverted, so much as just finding their sexual stimuli. It's really no different than bondage, roleplaying, or any other "kink", with exception that 3rd parties are involved. 

Maybe you could also find your own 'kinks' and open up to him about it. If you truly believe simple straight sex, 3-4 positions, occasional oral is really enough to satisfy a life-long sex life in marriage, then you are fooling yourself. Maybe it's enough for you, but not for most. (My opinion, of course).

I do wish you luck in finding the common ground and open honesty between yourself and your husband to make everything perfect in the bedroom. Feel free to message me if you want some more in-depth understanding of hotwives.


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## tacoma

So your husband has a fantasy that you aren't willing to bring to reality.(understandably)

So your reaction to this is to attempt to deny him any and all outlets for this fantasy by threat of divorce.

That's not gonna turn out too well.

You are attempting to control his sexuality and that's going to end badly.


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## tacoma

Kaboom said:


> Instead of shutting his fantasies out entirely, maybe find a way that you can support the fantasy without having to involve a third party.


Like being happy he's able to indulge the fantasy in porn instead of trying to convince his wife to have sex with other men ...maybe.


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## Theseus

aabhudson said:


> I really just want to understand why he finds the scenario so arousing, because I do not. Anyone who has this desire, if you could please explain it to me, do. I just want to be sexually satisfied and I want the same for my husband, but it is hard to with hurt feelings and without understanding why he feels the way he does.



Wow. I see so many problems here, I hardly know where to start, but I'll start by trying to answer your question. 

I suppose I have this same "hot wife" fetish (although I've never heard it called that). I would love to see my wife with another man (or woman). I'm afraid you may never really understand it, because *even though I have this fetish myself, I don't really understand it*. And the funny thing is, when I was much younger I used to be incredibly jealous. Back when we were dating (non-exclusively), my wife went on a very innocent blind date with another guy but I was still out of my mind with jealousy. But if that happened today I would be thrilled. I really have no idea why I changed over the years, but I'm certain that part of it is that I eventually became much less insecure and much more confident about her feelings for me. But for the act itself, I'm not sure. It may be a combination of humiliation, healthy primal competition, or raw sex/carefree nature of the situation, or a combination thereof. If someone can think of another reason, I'm all ears.

If I know other men are interested in my wife, it also gives me a LOT of motivation to keep going to the gym, so there is a practical value too. I'm not joking.

*BUT* - I would NEVER want the other guy to be a good friend or co-worker, or family member. That's where you both made a huge mistake, IMO. It's much better to do something like that with someone completely outside of your social circle, so you don't end up losing a good friend or worry about rumors spreading. 


Finally though, being jealous of him watching porn is ridiculous. What if he felt it was cheating for you to read romance novels, or watch a movie with a famous actor you really liked? Wouldn't that seem a tad control freakish?


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## Mavash.

My husband has a fantasy of seeing me with another woman. Is that going to happen? Um not in this lifetime. Lol

So he gets his fix by watching girl on girl porn occasionally. It's not personal it's just something he finds a turn on. Has nothing to do with me not being enough. It's me he wants to have sex with. Porn to me is like anything else it can be bad or good. All depends on the person watching. It has never been a problem in my 21 year marriage and I'm no longer threatened by it. It used to bother me so I do understand.


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## Entropy3000

Mavash. said:


> My husband has a fantasy of seeing me with another woman. Is that going to happen? Um not in this lifetime. Lol
> 
> So he gets his fix by watching girl on girl porn occasionally. It's not personal it's just something he finds a turn on. Has nothing to do with me not being enough. It's me he wants to have sex with. Porn to me is like anything else it can be bad or good. All depends on the person watching. It has never been a problem in my 21 year marriage and I'm no longer threatened by it. It used to bother me so I do understand.


I think this also brings up a point that some things are best left to be fantasies.


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## Mavash.

Entropy3000 said:


> I think this also brings up a point that some things are best left to be fantasies.


I agree and honestly he's only said it a few times. I'd be annoyed if he said it all the time because well it's not going to happen. Lol


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## Entropy3000

Mavash. said:


> I agree and honestly he's only said it a few times. I'd be annoyed if he said it all the time because well it's not going to happen. Lol


Wow. If my wife had a fantasy to see me with another man there would be a real problem. 

Maybe this is not the same thing ... But why not? LOL.


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## ClimbingTheWalls

These videos you have made; are they of you and him having sex?

If he wants to watch you having pleasure without him being involved, what about masturbating with him watching, or making a video of you masturbating? Perhaps even going so far as inventing an imaginary lover so that as you pleasure yourself you are speaking someone else's name and not your husband's.


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## johnnycomelately

I have the same fantasy. 

You have every right to not fulfil his fantasy, but to police his fantasies and his masturbation habits is excessively controlling in my view. I would never presume to tell my wife what she is allowed to masturbate to, and I wouldn't take kindly to her doing the same to me.

Your husband is probably never going to get over this kink, so you can either leave him or find a way to accommodate him without compromising your principles.


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## Mavash.

Entropy3000 said:


> Wow. If my wife had a fantasy to see me with another man there would be a real problem.
> 
> Maybe this is not the same thing ... But why not? LOL.


It's hot to see two women together. Two men? Um not so much.

Maybe to some women but not me.


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## MattMatt

He needs counselling. *Not from a counsellor but from a therapist.* He is abusing you, but is too daft to realise this.


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## Plan 9 from OS

I would say that the husband in this relationship has a Dumb Ass complex. I couldn't resist saying that.

I hate to make value judgements, but I think there is something fundamentally wrong with the mind of anyone who desires to become a cuckold. OP, don't actively engage in this lifestyle. However, I would consider letting him have his porn fetish - so long as he can remain committed to you romantically and can still have a normal relationship with you. If his consumption of this kind of porn gives him his fix, then that should do. However, if his use of this porn only fuels his desire to be cuckolded, then he needs therapy.


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## Entropy3000

Mavash. said:


> It's hot to see two women together. Two men? Um not so much.
> 
> Maybe to some women but not me.


Right. If my wife had ever said such a thing it would have ruined our marriage. I get that it is more socially acceptable to verbalize two women. But indeed my post was meant in jest.


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## Anon Pink

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I would say that the husband in this relationship has a Dumb Ass complex. I couldn't resist saying that.
> 
> I hate to make value judgements, but I think there is something fundamentally wrong with the mind of anyone who desires to become a cuckold. OP, don't actively engage in this lifestyle. However, I would consider letting him have his porn fetish - so long as he can remain committed to you romantically and can still have a normal relationship with you. If his consumption of this kind of porn gives him his fix, then that should do. However, if his use of this porn only fuels his desire to be cuckolded, then he needs therapy.



I was under the impression that a cuckold fantasy was different from the hot wife fantasy, even though they both involve OM. I thought a cuckold was when a husband gives up, even temporarily, his power as husband and allows another man to take over, there is an element of humiliation involved. Whereas hot wife is almost the opposit. The husband's ego is being stroked because his wife is so hot. Like showing off your waaay cool toy and allowing a select few to play with it. This has elements of power and control that are given up in a cuckold situation. 

Maybe I am missing something?

To the OP, we all have fantasies and they are not usually under our power to prevent that scenario from being arousingly erotic. His hot wife fetish, in itself, is not something to be worried about. I can't force myself to find some scenarios erotic, they just don't do it for me and work the opposite of being arousing.

You were very brave to give him his fantasy that one time. I'm sorry you are ashamed of it, because I think you should be proud of yourself for being open to exploring. You did it, didn't like it, don't want to do it again, end of story. He's said he is fine with your boundaries and respects your desire to not do it again. That's perfect! This is a good thing, not something to worry over.

He continues to explore his fantasy via porn. Personally, the only concern I would have with this would be desensitizing himself, by allowing himself to become obsessed with it, to real sex with his real got wife. If your sex life is otherwise unaffected, I don't see a reason to be concerned.

I think it's always a mistake to try to control a husbands choice of porn, unless it goes to incest/beatiality/extreme sadism. We really can't help what turns us on. Ive read that 70% of women have rape fantasies. That doesn't mean we want to be raped. But does kind of point to a scenario of wanting to be overpowered, giving up control, being ravished. 

A man with hot wife fantasies could get fueled by role play in which he pretends to be the OM while you talk about how your husband is watching. You could make a new video from his watching vantage point, then edit it to cut to shots of him actually pretending to watch.

I guess what my LONG winded reply is essentiall saying is to encourage open loving communication so his fantasy can be realized occasionally with out crossing your boundaries.


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## Showem

Humm... perhaps you should be a little more open minded here. There are many books and blogs on this topic. A strong marriage can get stronger from exploring these fantasies. Some women that embrace this can really bloom.


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## Shazz1991

Anon Pink said:


> I was under the impression that a cuckold fantasy was different from the hot wife fantasy, even though they both involve OM.


There is a difference here. My hubby loves me showing off and flirting with other guys and them taking an interest in me - not out of humilation but as a way of confirming to him that I am a 'hot wife' desired by others and so boosting his ego (because I am his). I've not gone as far as sex with another (quite!) but we have talked about and it is a shared fantasy - which we may enact some day.


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## PHTlump




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## learning to love myself

Shazz1991 said:


> There is a difference here. My hubby loves me showing off and flirting with other guys and them taking an interest in me - not out of humilation but as a way of confirming to him that I am a 'hot wife' desired by others and so boosting his ego (because I am his). I've not gone as far as sex with another (quite!) but we have talked about and it is a shared fantasy - which we may enact some day.


Were in the same place you are, My husband has this same fantasy. We had a man over to massage me everywhere ;-) No sex as of yet. 

I was very worried this would destroy our marriage, but it has made everything hotter. 

The biggest thing is communication, no matter how odd a question or answer, it also helps that we have been together forever.


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## sinnister

Guys this thread is a year old......


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## gluvst

First time poster - long time lurker. I have enjoyed browsing tis forum for awhile now and I think that this media does a lot of good in marriages given that much of the advice given is based on real life experiences and situations.

I think that how a problem is solved in any relationship varies from one marriage/friendship/relationship to the next because just as we each are unique as people, so too are relationships unique and no two are exactly alike. Therefore, the OP and others should use the "supermarket theory" when reading and considering advice that I would say is always given with the best of intentions. That is to say this - just as you don't go to a grocery store and buy one of everything on the shelves because you only have so many needs, you pick and choose what you put in your shopping cart and take home with you. I suggest that it is so here as well where you can apply bits and pieces from a lot of contributers but you certainly can't use all of the suggestions or information.

As a man who has been with the same wonderful woman for close to 40 years, I can attest to having done our share of exploration sexually over the years including threesomes and swinging. Speaking for myself, I have no regrets as each experience only served to enforce the bond between my wife and I and in fact, our brief swinging experience with two other couples probably contributed to saving our marriage. We are both secure in our love for each other but we were going through a sexual dry spell and things seemed to be starting to go sideways. We agreed to try to put the spark back into our sex life and sought out another couple with whom we became close friends and with whom we entered into exploring foursomes. 

My wife and I would make the hour and a half drive to our friends home where we would associate as friends and often ( but not always or every visit ) end up in their family room doing things that most people only fantasize about. I think that the reason that this worked so well for us was that we always discussed the experience with each other and we were open as to what we had liked and were apprehensive about.

Our sex life at home was never better and when we stopped the sexual encounters, things remained very, very hot for a long time. Eventually, the flame began to flicker again and when I suggested that we find another couple to play with, she was entering menopause and her libido basically crashed. What has followed has been a long, sexless married life that nothing seems to breathe life back into. 

My point here is that bringing another person or other people into a marriage is not for everyone and often it results in disaster. In our case, it worked very well and we'd do it gain were we younger and certain things were different in our lives. We talked about it a lot before actually deciding to go through with placing an ad in a local swingers publication. We took our time and placed a few ads before we found the couple with whom we felt connected to and with whom we chose to share each other.

In doing this, I'd suggest that communication between you and your SO is vital. Set your boundaries and standards and make a firm commitment not to compromise for the sake of a fast good time. Decide on exactly what you want in the other couple and stick to those requirements and never settle for second best. Never, ever push the other person to compromise those standards just because you are eager and horny - stand firm to what you want and given enough time and effort, you will probably find the right couple. It took us almost a year to finally find the right couple and it was well worth the wait, believe me. My wife was hesitant initially and I made sure that she was totally involved in the decisions and what happened so that it was an experience that we enjoyed as a couple and it was not all about what just she or I wanted or did not want.

If jealousy is going to be an issue, then stick to fantasies because jealousy is an ugly monster that will chew up your marriage and spit out the remains onto the dung heap. If your SO wants to try the hot wife or swinging scene and you don't, then at least give him/her the respect of trying to be open minded and talk and consider the other person's needs. Wanting to experiment is all too often regarded as a threat by one partner and the road blocks go up instantly and there is no discussion. Maybe - in fact likely - the experience isn't a good move for many marriages but there is no doubt that easing gently into new experiences can be huge in making a marriage much, much better. We can get too caught up in our own selfish desires - or lack there of - and kill intimacy through trying to prove a point and taking a hard stand on intimate issues. No one enjoys everything sexual but very often, allowing something new into the bedroom strengthens the bond and is a good thing. At least, that is my opinion based on my experiences. Not too many things can build resentment within a man more than a wife who digs her heels in and refuses him the pleasure and relief that most men seriously need because she wants to prove a point or because she is simply vindictive about something and uses sexual denial as punishment. Communication is huge and we need to talk about the good, the bad and the ugly and yes, sometimes we have to give in and compromise, but that's what love really is about, isn't it? Having a selfless regard and appreciation for your mate's needs and wants. Rest assured that this applies to us guys as much as to the ladies. At least that is my opinion.


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## cuckolded husband

Hello, nice to meet you. I know a lot about this fantasy having had to explore many things when hurt by my own wife's affair. The " hot wife " fantasy is basically a desire to place you on a pedestal your husband wants to feel a really deep love and lust for you. He must love you deeply as it is, but he may have a problem with intimacy and needs a power difference between you and him in order that he be aroused. He has probably viewed porn a bit too much for his own good and has come to believe a lot of what he sees to be true when it is acted out. You can repair the situation but it will take you to take the initiative. At the moment he is driving the type of power exchange he wants. You must take him on and drive that situation. You can use tease and denial as your tool restricting what he sees of you or indeed what he gets He will respond very positively to that. There are devices called male chastity devices which can be placed on the male to prevent masturbation. Most likely he will love that also. If you can use these tools you can keep the fantasies within your bedroom and private and save your marriage. Your husband will respond positively and you can guide him back to sane intimacy until a point where he actually enjoys normal married sex with you. I hope this helps but please reply if you need any more information. And do not despair male control has been around for a very long time hundreds of years in fact.


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## alexm

Wow, zombie thread indeed.

Anybody else wonder if the husband ever showed these home made videos to other guys? Or posted them online for others to watch?

If he's got such an obsession with other men being involved with his wife, and she's not into that, wouldn't sharing these videos be another way of him acting out these fantasies?

On that note, I can't quite understand the prevalence of home made videos. I mean, I GET it, it's exciting and there's an exhibitionist side to it all, but the downside can be bad.

Case in point, my ex wife and I made one, once. It was on a hi-8 tape, never transferred to the computer or DVD or anything. When we divorced, she must have remembered it at some point, and freaked out a little, asking me for the tape and if I ever converted it to another format. I genuinely didn't know what happened to it, and left it at that. But it became a bone of contention for a little while, until she eventually dropped it. A few years later, while in the midst of a move, I came across a box of hi-8 tapes, most unlabelled, and the camera (by that point an old technology, lol). I reluctantly went through each tape, because I knew there was stuff there that I'd like to keep for posterity, but all the while dreading that the sex tape would pop up. It never did, though there were a handful of tapes that had been damaged and were nothing but static and snow.

I couldn't help but think that if this tape had survived, and I was a lesser man, I could have done some damage to my ex wife with it, and I understood how she must have felt about it when she remembered it all those years before. I was also insulted that she even entertained the thought of me putting it online or sending it to her friends or something, but nonetheless, I understood where she was coming from, and I didn't like that feeling.

I have never asked my current wife to do something like that, as a result. People break up, people divorce, and those things DO end up online. Computers also get hacked, houses get burglarized, etc. The chances that something like that can wind up being viewed by thousands (or more) in this day and age is greater than we think, and that's enough for me, anyway, to never do that.

Thread jack! What do you guys think about recording your intimate moments and the fear of it falling into the wrong hands (including those of an ex, for example)?


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## Heavywithahammer

tacoma said:


> So your husband has a fantasy that you aren't willing to bring to reality.(understandably)
> 
> So your reaction to this is to attempt to deny him any and all outlets for this fantasy by threat of divorce.
> 
> That's not gonna turn out too well.
> 
> You are attempting to control his sexuality and that's going to end badly.


:iagree:

P.S. if my wife ever spied on me in any way, shape or form or told me that I cannot do something like watch porn it would be a big problem as I would never so those things to her. We are each others spouses, not each others babysitters.


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## LoveLonely

Kaboom said:


> Maybe you could also find your own 'kinks' and open up to him about it.


I strongly second this. He may even be so into you that it turns him on even if he doesn't like it.


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## spanz

aabhudson said:


> I installed several tracking devices on our computer so I could know what he was doing and when. He swore he wouldn't watch porn anymore.
> 
> .


wow, you are serious? This is not a joke? what is wrong with YOU. Let him watch his porn. Watch it with him. Find out what interests him sexually, and go along with it. What are you, his mom?


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## lfortender

Do you believe i have the same fantasies your husband has? My wife doesn't know but i fantasize about her having sex with another man. By seeing now your post on how you feel about your husband i can imagine how my wife would feel if i tell her my secret, i dont think is a good idea i bring this to her!


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