# Recovery being sabotaged?



## stupad

Hi . . . for those of you who have responded to my previous posts - thank you. I have now jumped 2 feet first into AA and it has been going well for the last week. I feel a tremendous amount of support such that i've never felt before and I'm feeling very optimistic (cautiously - one day at a time) about my recovery. I've been hitting at least a meeting a day if not two.

For as good as I'm feeling about things, I feel as is my wife is laying down some landmines at time. Now, I realize that I've put her through a lot, and that there needs to be a lot of sober time for her to start to come around - and regardless of how I would love more than anything to speed this up, I cannot. It's a matter of time and it's her journey. I get this.

But we've had a couple of conversations where she has told me that she 'is empty' and 'needs to be filled emotionally/spiritually on her own - without me.' 'She needs a break from me.' I have been sure to acknowledge her feelings without being judgemental (as best I can). And, knowing for myself, that I need to get myself in order before I can start doing for others, including her, and I've expressed this. After one such conversation, she expressed surprise that I wasn't angry with her after her telling me this (as if she expected me to be angry/lash out). And after another conversation along the same lines ("I need to heal myself before I re-engage with you"), where I responded with acknowledgement and support - but without resentment, she seemed to want to be around me and engaging.

I just keep thinking these are 'Fitness Tests for the Recovering Alcoholic' or something. Does anyone else have a similar experience - either as the one in recovery, OR as the spouse of the one in recovery. Now, I realize, that it would be a big jump and courageous for a spouse to admit any 'sabotaging' behavior (either conscious or otherwise), but it would be helpful for me to better understand this. I have been strong against these actions so far, but I am concerned that if something like this happens in a weak moment, I'll mess up - ending back at square one or beyond.

Any feedback would be appreciated. (and if you want to tell me that it's all my fault and I should suck it up, I'm ok with that too). Thanks,


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## Jamison

I'm not real sure what you mean by recovery being sabotaged? In what way exactly?

Also kudos to you for giving AA a chance. It sounds like you are doing the right thing,by taking it one day at a time. Its all anyone can do really. 

As far as your wife goes, I understand how she feels she needs to heal and that she might feel empty. However if she is in Alanon those people should be able to help her not feel so empty. They are there for her support. To tell you she needs to grow emotionally and spiritually without you, is a bit odd to me. Its true that you need to take care of you, and she needs to take care of her, BUT that doesn't mean you detach so much from the marriage that you tell your spouse you need a break from them. 

If she feels she needs a "break" suggest her getting away for a few days or even a week. Make sure this break she is taking or needing is to help with her own recovery not to break away from the marriage. Or do you feel that is what she is wanting?


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## stupad

Hi Jamison - thanks for your post and your encouraging words. I think by sabotage I mean that I feel that she says these things ('I'm empty and I don't need you - right now') as a way to push my buttons and to get some sort of reaction from me (not a positive one). After the first conversation, where she made a point that she was surprised that I wasn't angry, I felt that she expected this outcome - and perhaps even planned for it (???) I'm not trying to be too paranoid, but there is a history of her pushing my emotional buttons - and then I'm the bad guy for reacting in a negative manner while she's in the 'clear'. She does this with the kids too to a lesser degree. I was wondering if this is something that happens as the non-addicted spouse reacts to a changing addicted spouse (e.g., I hated the way things were, but it was a known entity - this new sober person is someone I don't know???)

As far as her needing a break. She has suggested a few times that we separate for awhile so that we 'can work on our communication.' Huh? I never got how being apart can help communication. And, this was a good idea for her so long as I was the one who left. I agreed to give it a try, however, I was not the one who would be leaving. She said she didn't trust me to not be drinking, but when I refused to leave, this idea was dropped.

And as to your last question, I do wonder if she is looking to break away from the marriage. I have asked her this and she says she's commited to me and our marriage, provided I'm commited to be sober. I'm fine with this . . . but I still wonder. When the rough part started 6-8 months ago, her thoughts were about what SHE wants from the marriage, what SHE wants with her life, etc. And she was the first to throw out the D word. I've brough up her use of I/Me instead of WE/US in MC but not sure if it struck home.

For now, i am going with what she has said to me (commited), doing what I have to do for me (which will enable to help our marriage in the longer term), and praying for the best. I did, finally, tell her in the past couple weeks, that I was no longer afraid to lose her, but I didn't want that, and that I was working to making things better, but if she felt it was better for her to be on her own, I would be ok. I didn't want to be clingy and appear desparate - living in fear of my marriage collapsing is no way to live - let alone recover.

Each day is a new roller coaster, which I guess is to be expected to some degree. Thanks for reading.


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## Jamison

Ahh ok I see what you mean now. Let me first start by saying no one can sabotage your recovery if you do not let them. So if you feel she might be trying to, then you need to stand your ground. Your recovery is about you. 

I also understand she is hurt. I also think you acknowledge the fact you have maybe had a hand in hurting her over the years with the drinking. However, it seems you are truly sorry and want to make things right. I do think it takes time, especially after someone has been hurt, to heal. 

However, some of her words do not match her actions. She says, she is committed to you, as long as you are committed to being sober. Ok fine, BUT then turns around and says she needs a break from you and you all should separate so you all can work on communication? That doesn't match her saying she is committed to you. 

I can't help but think she is checked out of the marriage. Hopefully its a temporary thing. I do think sometimes people need to get their heads straight. However, if she is wanting things to work, you don't just up and take a break form the marriage. Her healing should be coming from Alanon and possible counseling, same for you. 

My next question is, how often does she attend Alanon meetings? Also something that might be beneficial and I have seen this work before too. Even though you are in AA, there is no law that says you can't attend a Alanon meeting as well. Sometimes attending one of those can help you see what you might have caused her to feel when you were drinking. The same for her, she can also attend a AA meeting, it might help her see, its not going to happen over night, and that you are committed to being helped, staying sober etc. She needs to have some faith in you and the marriage as a whole. Right now it would be good if she could have some faith in just you that this is something you are trying. 

Once again, stand your ground on your recovery. No one can sabotage unless you let them. It might be just what shes trying to do to see if you will break. To me, if she is doing this as a test, that is not helpful in your recovery. You need someone to have faith, support and encouragement. It almost comes across as her wanting out, but not having a real legit reason to get out, so if she thinks you will crumble and drink again then that gives her reason and justification to leave. Once again, if that is what shes is doing, that is not good. That is not someone who is committed to being helpful, supportive and wanting a marriage to work.


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## stupad

Jamison . . . firstly, wow! thanks. This is one of the first times I feel like I've made any sense in a long time. part of the disease? part of the relationship? I dunno...



Jamison said:


> Ahh ok I see what you mean now. Let me first start by saying no one can sabotage your recovery if you do not let them. So if you feel she might be trying to, then you need to stand your ground. Your recovery is about you.


Agreed. I asked the question as a validation - if there is any 'normalcy in this type of behavior. And, I am feeling good now, just concerned if I'm in a weakened state something like this might cause me to falter.



Jamison said:


> I also understand she is hurt. I also think you acknowledge the fact you have maybe had a hand in hurting her over the years with the drinking. However, it seems you are truly sorry and want to make things right. I do think it takes time, especially after someone has been hurt, to heal.


Agreed. And I've told her this. I'd love to make everything ok by the weekend, but I know I can't.



Jamison said:


> However, some of her words do not match her actions. She says, she is committed to you, as long as you are committed to being sober. Ok fine, BUT then turns around and says she needs a break from you and you all should separate so you all can work on communication? That doesn't match her saying she is committed to you.


Thank you for affirming. I feel the same way and not sure if it's just all sorts of conflicting emotions from hurt, hope, love, hate, fear, pride and on and on. She's controlling and insecure - amongst all these emotions a volatile mix!



Jamison said:


> I do think sometimes people need to get their heads straight. However, if she is wanting things to work, you don't just up and take a break form the marriage. Her healing should be coming from Alanon and possible counseling, same for you.


She goes to Alanon 1/week. And from what little she's told me about it, she doesn't talk much there. I've only seen the Alanon books out once (so either she's not reading them or doing so covertly). I know that she has a big stack of books. We are both in IC and MC - she has the same therapist for IC that we have for MC - which I'm not thinking is a good thing. At one point I asked her about her IC and she asked me if I was afraid the therapist was 'poisoning her mind.' Whoa - where TF did that come from . . .hmmm.



Jamison said:


> Also something that might be beneficial and I have seen this work before too. Even though you are in AA, there is no law that says you can't attend a Alanon meeting as well. Sometimes attending one of those can help you see what you might have caused her to feel when you were drinking. The same for her, she can also attend a AA meeting, it might help her see, its not going to happen over night, and that you are committed to being helped, staying sober etc.


Excellent point about me going to an Alanon meeting. At some point I can suggest her going to an AA meeting. Also, I have not been sharing with her how often I've been attending (12 meetings/8 days) - she most recently said she does not want to be responsible for my recovery (good! she's a bit controlling and I hope she takes this to heart - it's my deal - not hers), and does not want me to feel responsible to her (I get this and I'm good with it). One way for me to do this is to just go about what I need to do - but I think, due to her controlling personality, if she doesn't know what I'm doing, she's not in control and I'm not helping myself. (I know, this gets to be a bit convoluted reasoning.) In our last MC session, I said that she frequently changes the goalposts - which didn't go over very well, but she later acknowledged doing so as a 'way of helping me.' Helping me to go insane??? I do just fine on this on my own.



Jamison said:


> She needs to have some faith in you and the marriage as a whole. Right now it would be good if she could have some faith in just you that this is something you are trying.


She's told me she believes in me (which is really good) but lately things seem to change in the wind. Really good one day, 'emotionally empty' the next, believes in me, then needs others to fill her up, not sure when we can be intimate again, to jumping my bones. (Sorry .. . TMI?)



Jamison said:


> Once again, stand your ground on your recovery. No one can sabotage unless you let them. It might be just what shes trying to do to see if you will break. To me, if she is doing this as a test, that is not helpful in your recovery. You need someone to have faith, support and encouragement.


Agreed. Agreed. Agreed (yikes!) Yes, not helpful (like other Fitness Tests). Agreed.



Jamison said:


> I can't help but think she is checked out of the marriage. * I sort of agree and I hope not! Again, her words contradict this.*
> It almost comes across as her wanting out, but not having a real legit reason to get out, so if she thinks you will crumble and drink again then that gives her reason and justification to leave. Once again, if that is what shes is doing, that is not good. That is not someone who is committed to being helpful, supportive and wanting a marriage to work.


I know. I've asked her enough if she was done with us and wants out and that leads to the 'I'm commited if you are sober routine.' And there are glimmers that things are getting better but then things retrace. 

I pray for patience for myself, for me to have patience for others, and others to have patience for me. Thanks again for all your really valuable affirmations and insights. Maybe I'm not so crazy afterall.


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## Jamison

A book you might want to suggest to her too is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Not sure if she has read that one or not. However, it might be a good read for you as well. She is more than likely codependent and just like attending an Alanon meeting, this book will help shed some light for you on where her reactions or controlling behaviors stem from. Its quite the eye opener. Hopefully she will read it. I'm sure there might be times she is acting a certain way and not even aware of it.

Just remember you attending a Alanon meeting or reading that book is to help you understand why she is acting or feeling the way she is. Same for her, if she were to attend a AA meeting or was to read The Big Book. Its all about putting yourself in the other persons shoes for a brief time just to get some kind of understanding as to what may have happened or is still happening during the healing process for you both.


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## stupad

Jamison . . . I'll get this tonight from my local library. I'm not sure if I will recommend it to her (who's trying to fix whom??? - I know this might sound paranoid, but...)

If she sees me with it, it might pique her interest. And I will be looking up an Alanon meeting as well (or two).

Thanks again for everything. It's good to hear an honest (objective) voice.


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## ItHappenedToMe

Stupad, meet Loyal

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-addiction/29726-wife-back-rehab.html

Flip sides of the same coin.

Hope you can learn from each other.


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