# Need help



## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

I found out my wife of 6 years has been cheating on me just yesterday. The last couple years of our marriage haven’t been the best though. We’ve both been pretty distant and the “magic” is gone. I am probably mostly to blame for that since I work manual labor and long hours so I get home and don’t really ever want to do anything. I started thinking something was up a few weeks ago so I asked her about it and of course she denied it. I’m not proud of this but it got so bad that I bought a camera to put in our room while I was out of town for work. Sure enough this confirmed it. I didn’t see anything but heard phone conversations. I was crushed. I’ve never felt pain this bad. I flew home early without telling her to confront her. Once she knew I had put the camera up she naturally was pretty mad but came clean. Some guy she met online who is also married. This is exactly what her Mom did to her Dad when we first got married. She was thee to pick her dad back up and saw how devistating it was. She broke things off with him and we setup a marriage counciling appointment in a few days. Deep down I still love her but I don’t know if I can ever look at her again without thinking of the other guy. I have so much hate for him I can’t stand it. Also I told her to delete all her social media accounts, which she did. Last night as we were talking she told me if our marriage gets as bad as it was she would probably cheat again. That hurt about as much as the actual betrayal. She also says if we work things out she won’t let me be “nosy” with her texts and messages because she couldn’t live like that. She really does seem legitimately sorry but when she says those things I just don’t know. I told her I didn’t blame her, I know why she did it. She needed attention and she wasn’t getting it from me. We have a two year old daughter in the mix as well. I guess I’m just wondering if it’s even possible to forgive and forget. Like I said I can’t stop thinking of the two of them together. I just don’t want this pain anymore but I don’t think I can let her go.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

she is showing zero remorse. Basically blaming you for the affair and not tolerating any consequences for her own bad behavior (checking up on her is going to have to be a consequence). you need to seek legal representation and have her served to a) either knock a large dose of reality into her or b) start the process of doing the inevitable. Based on what she told you, she is not safe for you or anyone to be married to.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

WOW!!! i am sorry your here, but you need to regain the reins on this marriage....she does not get to set the rules...you need serious come to Jesus meeting with her and make it REALLY CLEAR these are the conditions for this marriage to go forward. you need to grab your balls back...she lied...period she cheated period. there is no excuse for that.

1.You will have complete transparency on everything and i mean everything she is involved in 
2. she is either remorseful completely or she is gone.
3. She accepts that she cheated no excuse on you 
4. she tell you his name and you expose him to his wife
5. she will tell you what she will do to fix this marraige
6. she will accept the fact that your trying to earn a living to support your family...what a piece of crap 
7. you will have her take a STD test
8. you will DNA your daughter i don't care if she is yours you are proving to your wife you don't trust her
9. she will tell you what she will do to regain your trust and if she cheats again there is no going back, no second chances 

so if she does not like these rules there is the freaking door you will not bow to her wishes. time to put on your big boy pants...remember you will not apologize for spying on a cheat ....NEVER EVER APOLOGIZE FOR SPYING ON A CHEATER...it comes with the territory...cheaters lose their privileges


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

That’s what I was afraid of. I read some things yesterday about that but have been in denial. I just want things to go back to normal or at least as normal as they could get. I guess they never will be. Deep down I think she’s just done with me. She said she needed some time apart to think of what she wants too. I just wish I could go back in time and fix things before this all happened


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Expose to the OM to his wife ASAP.
I did it. It's dam liberating.
It will most likely stop him from contacting her again.
Get the power into your hands.


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

I want to do that so bad. I don’t have any info on him and I told her I wanted to do that and she wouldn’t give me any info either. She says it’s because she doesn’t want this to ruin another family too


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Even if you reconcile after counseling, things will never ever be the same! It is no fun going through life having to look at her through eyes grown out of the back of your head!

Trust is never fully regained!

See a good family attorney to advise you fully of your property and custodial rights!*


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Rumbles said:


> I want to do that so bad. I don’t have any info on him and I told her I wanted to do that and she wouldn’t give me any info either. She says it’s because she doesn’t want this to ruin another family too


how thoughtful of her!

pretty illuminating too, to think that the point at which she thinks the family was ruined, was when the spouse found out!


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Rumbles said:


> I want to do that so bad. I don’t have any info on him and I told her I wanted to do that and she wouldn’t give me any info either. She says it’s because she doesn’t want this to ruin another family too


Do happen to have at least his name and location. I'm sure one of us if you private messaged us would be glad to look it up if that's not frowned upon? There's not guarantee that we could find it or if it would even be the right person but maybe we can get you started?


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

The only info I have is his wife’s name that I heard on a phone call and it’s only a first name. I took her phone when I first confronted her on everything but she locks it. She has it back now


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Rumbles said:


> I want to do that so bad. I don’t have any info on him and I told her I wanted to do that and she wouldn’t give me any info either. She says it’s because she doesn’t want this to ruin another family too


She is protecting and valuing the OM's M more than your own ... think about what that really means.

I'm sorry, we've all been there and know how bad is sucks, but she simply isn't giving you anything to work with here. Time to lawyer up and get the process started.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Rumbles said:


> I want to do that so bad. I don’t have any info on him and I told her I wanted to do that and she wouldn’t give me any info either. She says it’s because she doesn’t want this to ruin another family too


If she's protecting him she's still in the affair. Her desire for time apart is also a sign she's still in the affair.

She needs consequences to smack her in the face. Hire a lawyer, file for divorce and have her served. On the day she's scheduled to be served, notify her parents (particularly her father) and let them know you're divorcing her for doing the same thing to you that her mother did to her father. Notify all friends of the marriage. If you're religious notify pastor/priest/rabbi/imam/guru/whatever. Do this all in as short a time as possible and ask each of these people to give her a call. All on the day she's served. Get this going ASAP for maximum effect.

If you do that and she's not blowing snot bubbles begging for another chance, complete the divorce.

Also do a dna test on the kid. It's not to determine if you're the actual father, it's to show her how badly she's damaged your trust in her. And if it turns out that you're excluded, then go ahead and dump her.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Appears your W is sorry she got caught. Do you have kids? If not, cut and run. Honestly, who the hell would want to live under the thumb of "if our marriage gets like this again I will cheat again."


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

This might not be the right place to ask this but as far as my daughter and custody goes... I know it’s often times the mom who gets them. But she has had mental health problems since before we got married. When we were married for only a year she tried to kill herself (she was the one her dad went to for support after his divorce from her mom and I guess the stress of it all got to her. Which makes this even more shocking to me) she spent a few days in an inpatient mental health care facility. I stayed with her obviously and helped her get back up. She is abusing adderal right now too to lose weight. I think that’s when this started happening. She’s always had a low self esteem and recently has been feeling better about herself. I don’t know if I could prove this in a custody battle though. I don’t know if it would help me either. I love my daughter so so much. She’s the thing that’s keeping me going. She loves her mom too tho. They spend more time together since I’m at work a lot but she just plops her in front of the tv and plays on her phone. It would kill me if I knew that’s all her childhood was going to be


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Transparency with her phone and accounts needs to be a requirement if you are going to try to reconcile. She needs to understand that she broke your trust and this is one way to earn it back. It doesn't sound like she understands that. She's too concerned about her privacy right now. You need that phone and she needs to willingly give it to you. If she doesn't, that says a lot about how she is going to help you heal in the future, doesn't it? 

And she thinks you need to separate? She just wants to continue seeing her boyfriend. I am sure that is all that is. By the way, if you have to spy on her in the future, don't tell her that you have done so. If you learn something new, come up with a reason for your knowledge some other way. She talks in her sleep or something.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

I also wanted to add that it sounds like you're taking the blame for her affair, and you should not. There is no excuse for having an affair. If she had issues in the marriage, she should have come to you and explored the option of marriage counseling. If that doesn't work, then you divorce and then you seek out another person. Please don't take the blame for what she did. Her affair is 100% on her.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Rumbles said:


> She told me if our marriage gets as bad as it was she would probably cheat again.
> 
> She also says if we work things out she won’t let me be “nosy” with her texts and messages because she couldn’t live like that.
> 
> I told her I didn’t blame her, I know why she did it. She needed attention and she wasn’t getting it from me.


You are a newly betrayed husband, so you need to educate yourself about the decision making process around whether to consider R or D. The biggest factors will be your wife's demonstration of remorse, her willingness to accept consequences for her cheating and your capacity to forgive.

I can assure you, from what she said to you, she in neither remorseful nor willing to accept consequences. What she told you should be *absolutely unacceptable* to you if she wants you to consider to R. She cheated because she wanted to and you are in *no way* responsible for her A. She could have "talked or walked". Instead, she chose to break her marriage vows. She is *100% responsible* for that. You need to change your mind set and understand that reality. 

Right now your wife is not R material. She may never be. My advice to you is to to separate her from you bedroom, implement the 180 to detach, see an attorney to start the divorce process and put together your exit plan. If she turns completely turns around you can postpone the D and check back here for more advice. Most of us know what a remorseful spouse looks like.

Good luck and keep posting.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Rumbles said:


> I want to do that so bad. I don’t have any info on him and I told her I wanted to do that and *she wouldn’t give me any info either.* She says it’s because she doesn’t want this to ruin another family too


 Really sorry you're here, but now that you are you would be wise to listen to the advice given by everyone here.
Your only chance of saving your marriage is to file for divorce. As odd as that sounds, it most always takes definitive, drastic action to shake the wayward wife out of her fog.
By not telling you who the Other Man is she is choosing OM's welfare over your's and your marriage. By not allowing you to be "nosy" she is prepping the battlefield for her next affair, and with her attitude, you can safely bet there will be more. See a lawyer, file for divorce, and if she becomes remorseful (not regretful) and does the heavy lifting to earn you back, THEN you can see about stopping the divorce. The absolute wrong way to approach this is the Nice Guy/It's all my fault, Pick me dance approach. It will show weakness and that will repel her worse than anything.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her dad what she is doing.
There is no reason to believe she isn’t going to continue the affair. 
Can you get is number from your phone bill? 
There are sites that will find his info from the number. If you can afford it hire a PI. 
If you try to play nice and play the pick me dance you will definitely end up divorced. Not sure why you would want to stay married to her though. She has zero love or respect for you or her family. She has also cheated on her daughter. 

First thing, tell her dad. Her mom too if they ever made up. Ask her what the difference is in her and her mom.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Rumbles said:


> This might not be the right place to ask this but as far as my daughter and custody goes... I know it’s often times the mom who gets them. But she has had mental health problems since before we got married. When we were married for only a year she tried to kill herself (she was the one her dad went to for support after his divorce from her mom and I guess the stress of it all got to her. Which makes this even more shocking to me) she spent a few days in an inpatient mental health care facility. I stayed with her obviously and helped her get back up. She is abusing adderal right now too to lose weight. I think that’s when this started happening. She’s always had a low self esteem and recently has been feeling better about herself. I don’t know if I could prove this in a custody battle though. I don’t know if it would help me either. I love my daughter so so much. She’s the thing that’s keeping me going. She loves her mom too tho. They spend more time together since I’m at work a lot but she just plops her in front of the tv and plays on her phone. It would kill me if I knew that’s all her childhood was going to be


A good lawyer could help you explore your options here. You should seek one out anyway, just to figure out what what you might deal with if you indeed come to divorce. I also agree that she needs a wake-up call, and you slapping down divorce papers in front of her just might do that. But don't do it if you don't mean it and can't follow through. Right now you're being just a little too nice.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Rumbles said:


> I want to do that so bad. I don’t have any info on him and I told her I wanted to do that and she wouldn’t give me any info either. She says it’s because she doesn’t want this to ruin another family too


Bull****! She cares nothing for the other family and cares nothing for your's. She is protecting the other man and the affair. She has no remorse. Blames you. Says she can't live with you wanting to know what she is up to on line. WILL NOT NAME OTHER MAN.

You need to understand that what YOU thought of your wife before you found out was a fantasy. She was not the faithful, committed, caring woman you thought she was. Or she changed once OM came into her life. The old wife and marriage is dead. Can you commit to life with this new woman whom you cannot trust and basically tells you she will cheat again if she feels like it.

Get out.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Since you are worried about your daughters welfare and safety you need to find a good attorney immediately.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

toblerone said:


> how thoughtful of her!
> 
> pretty illuminating too, to think that the point at which she thinks the family was ruined, was when the spouse found out!



do you realize she cares more about the OM feelings than yours? there is nothing to fix she has destroyed everything


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Rumbles said:


> I want to do that so bad. I don’t have any info on him and I told her I wanted to do that and she wouldn’t give me any info either. She says it’s because she doesn’t want this to ruin another family too


You need to tell her that one condition of reconciliation is that she tells you who the OM is and all of his info (phone#, social media handles, etc). If she says no, then go file divorce papers.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Another day, another wife cheating on her husband.

Sorry you're dealing with this, from someone who has dealt with this, 16 years later It's still affecting my life. It's much easier to divorce and move on, the marriage will never be the same, and you'll never look at her the same, or trust her at all.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

She just keeps saying she doesn’t want to ruin another marriage. I told her that she’s just protecting him. I can’t beleive this happened to me. I can’t stand this pain anymore. Shes standing right here telling me why she IS truely sorry when I am telling her all the things you guys are saying point to she is only sorry for getting caught. I can’t belive her. I can’t believe she did this to our family


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Rumbles said:


> She just keeps saying she doesn’t want to ruin another marriage. I told her that she’s just protecting him. I can’t beleive this happened to me. I can’t stand this pain anymore. Shes standing right here telling me why she IS truely sorry when I am telling her all the things you guys are saying point to she is only sorry for getting caught. I can’t belive her. I can’t believe she did this to our family


Well I tell ya, you are then helping hide your W infidelity. Do you want to be a part of hiding the dirtly secret? Do not let your W rewrite the marital history. You end up looking like the jerk. Further, the OM W should know. Would you not what to know?


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

She setup counciling for later today. I will wait to see what happens there. I hope they just break her down and make her feel a fraction of the pain she’s giving me. Your responses have been eye opening, thank you. I don’t have any close friends anymore and I needed someone to talk to


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Rumbles said:


> She setup counciling for later today. I will wait to see what happens there. I hope they just break her down and make her feel a fraction of the pain she’s giving me. Your responses have been eye opening, thank you. I don’t have any close friends anymore and I needed someone to talk to


Don't bother. Waste of your time when your W is still in infidelity. Save your money on the counselor. Take back control. Your W is driving the train at the moment. That should not be happening. Be decisive.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Rumbles said:


> She just keeps saying she doesn’t want to ruin another marriage. I told her that she’s just protecting him. I can’t beleive this happened to me. I can’t stand this pain anymore. Shes standing right here telling me why she IS truely sorry when I am telling her all the things you guys are saying point to she is only sorry for getting caught. I can’t belive her. I can’t believe she did this to our family


She's so far gone on the other side of remorseful that there's no point in even talking to her. Counseling is pointless and a waste of time and money. Implement the 180. Don't tell her you will be divorcing her, just do it. Let her find out when she's served. In the worst way, she needs to feel what it's like to lose her husband for cheating. 

If having her served gets her attention, then you can start the conversation again; giving her all your expectations to be met before you consider R. There's no in between. She either meets them or the D will continue.

Time to take off the kid gloves and use action instead of words.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

All the posters above have it right....your wife is not sorry nor is she remorseful.

Your wife is protecting her OM like you mentioned. 

The potential way out of this is to consider the current marriage ruined and your wife that you knew is gone.

See what you can do with this new "wife" if you even want to.

Give it a few days for your feelings to settle and then do what you need to for you.

Good luck.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rumbles said:


> I found out my wife of 6 years has been cheating on me just yesterday. The last couple years of our marriage haven’t been the best though. We’ve both been pretty distant and the “magic” is gone. I am probably mostly to blame for that since I work manual labor and long hours so I get home and don’t really ever want to do anything. I started thinking something was up a few weeks ago so I asked her about it and of course she denied it. I’m not proud of this but it got so bad that I bought a camera to put in our room while I was out of town for work. Sure enough this confirmed it. I didn’t see anything but heard phone conversations. I was crushed. I’ve never felt pain this bad. I flew home early without telling her to confront her. Once she knew I had put the camera up she naturally was pretty mad but came clean. Some guy she met online who is also married. This is exactly what her Mom did to her Dad when we first got married. She was thee to pick her dad back up and saw how devistating it was. She broke things off with him and we setup a marriage counciling appointment in a few days. Deep down I still love her but I don’t know if I can ever look at her again without thinking of the other guy. I have so much hate for him I can’t stand it. Also I told her to delete all her social media accounts, which she did. Last night as we were talking she told me if our marriage gets as bad as it was she would probably cheat again. That hurt about as much as the actual betrayal. She also says if we work things out she won’t let me be “nosy” with her texts and messages because she couldn’t live like that. She really does seem legitimately sorry but when she says those things I just don’t know. I told her I didn’t blame her, I know why she did it. She needed attention and she wasn’t getting it from me. We have a two year old daughter in the mix as well. I guess I’m just wondering if it’s even possible to forgive and forget. Like I said I can’t stop thinking of the two of them together. I just don’t want this pain anymore but I don’t think I can let her go.


You need to divorce.

Be sure to expose the affair to the other man’s wife.

Also, DNA your kid.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

badmemory said:


> She's so far gone on the other side of remorseful that there's no point in even talking to her. Counseling is pointless and a waste of time and money. Implement the 180. Don't tell her you will be divorcing her, just do it. Let her find out when she's served. In the worst way, she needs to feel what it's like to lose her husband for cheating.
> 
> If having her served gets her attention, then you can start the conversation again; giving her all your expectations to be met before you consider R. There's no in between. She either meets them or the D will continue.
> 
> Time to take off the kid gloves and use action instead of words.


100% correct


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Take her phone back and ask her for the code. She refuses pack her a suitcase and show her the door and tell her to expect to be served with a divorce petition. 

You have to expose to the OM's wife. Your cheating wife is keeping the phone locked because she is still in contact with him. She has already showed you how much she can lie to you. It is second nature now for her.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Rumbles said:


> I found out my wife of 6 years has been cheating on me just yesterday. The last couple years of our marriage haven’t been the best though. We’ve both been pretty distant and the “magic” is gone. I am probably mostly to blame for that since I work manual labor and long hours so I get home and don’t really ever want to do anything. I started thinking something was up a few weeks ago so I asked her about it and of course she denied it. I’m not proud of this but it got so bad that I bought a camera to put in our room while I was out of town for work. Sure enough this confirmed it. I didn’t see anything but heard phone conversations. I was crushed. I’ve never felt pain this bad. I flew home early without telling her to confront her. Once she knew I had put the camera up she naturally was pretty mad but came clean. Some guy she met online who is also married. This is exactly what her Mom did to her Dad when we first got married. She was thee to pick her dad back up and saw how devistating it was. She broke things off with him and we setup a marriage counciling appointment in a few days. Deep down I still love her but I don’t know if I can ever look at her again without thinking of the other guy. I have so much hate for him I can’t stand it. Also I told her to delete all her social media accounts, which she did. Last night as we were talking she told me if our marriage gets as bad as it was she would probably cheat again. That hurt about as much as the actual betrayal. She also says if we work things out she won’t let me be “nosy” with her texts and messages because she couldn’t live like that. She really does seem legitimately sorry but when she says those things I just don’t know. I told her I didn’t blame her, I know why she did it. She needed attention and she wasn’t getting it from me. We have a two year old daughter in the mix as well. I guess I’m just wondering if it’s even possible to forgive and forget. Like I said I can’t stop thinking of the two of them together. I just don’t want this pain anymore but I don’t think I can let her go.


Hey man am very sorry for all that, I know it's crushing how you're feeling.
Same thing here, I found out six months ago my wife had two affairs and the rest is pretty similar to your situation. I still love her no matter what besides being the mother of my kids and we're working things from the ground. I let my marriage go frozen, we were living just like roommates, we both became to the point that we thought didn't care anymore about each other and I took responsibilities for the low degree of my marriage but never will accept the fact that it's my fault she cheated, which is a fact no matter how she put it. It was her own choice and fault. Sadly I don't see here any private message section so I could give some more personal details but now I am in the process of rebuilding my life amending a few things needed to be fixed between my wife and I. I wish you the bestest in your marriage. I know it will be tough these days with those trigger-videos playing in your mind night and day. So you have to fight those thoughts getting really busy, no breaks. As soon as you feel those images playing in your mind, literally, get your ass up and start doing some phisical activities. Now, if you love her, if you think she's worthy of your love and think she loves you, then fix the whole thing together. The worse thing you can do is lose control of your self. I know what am talking about, I'm still rehabilitating from the hit. I wish you the best.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Rumbles said:


> This might not be the right place to ask this but as far as my daughter and custody goes... I know it’s often times the mom who gets them. But she has had mental health problems since before we got married. When we were married for only a year she tried to kill herself (she was the one her dad went to for support after his divorce from her mom and I guess the stress of it all got to her. Which makes this even more shocking to me) she spent a few days in an inpatient mental health care facility. I stayed with her obviously and helped her get back up. She is abusing adderal right now too to lose weight. I think that’s when this started happening. She’s always had a low self esteem and recently has been feeling better about herself. I don’t know if I could prove this in a custody battle though. I don’t know if it would help me either. I love my daughter so so much. She’s the thing that’s keeping me going. She loves her mom too tho. They spend more time together since I’m at work a lot but she just plops her in front of the tv and plays on her phone. It would kill me if I knew that’s all her childhood was going to be


In all 50 states any prior suicide attempts will gain the other spouse full custody. You're golden as far as custody goes unless she goads you into doing something stupid. Make sure that doesn't happen.

EDIT: I realize I assumed this suicide attempt was documented? That means she went to a hospital and then psychiatric treatment? If only you and she know about the suicide attempt then in the eyes of the court it didn't happen.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Rumbles said:


> She said she needed some time apart to think of what she wants too. I just wish I could go back in time and fix things before this all happened


The old "I need some time to think". Means one thing. She needs time away from you to be able to continue this and make her bold move to see if there is anything permanent possible with this other man.



> I don’t have any info on him and I told her I wanted to do that and she wouldn’t give me any info either. She says it’s because she doesn’t want this to ruin another family too


Oh, how considerate of her! *facepalm* She doesn't get the option. She gives him up now, or gets the hell out now. Her window of opportunity to not "ruin another family" came and went the moment she crossed a line and took another man's penis into her body.

She gives him up NOW. There should be ZERO discussion about any other thing until she gives him up. Every time she asks you something, wants to talk about something....ignore her with a "Name or shut up" rebuke. 

She knows (at this point) what exposure to the OMW means. It means this is over before they had time to solidify plans for a life of cotton candy clouds and rainbows together. 

The OMW MUST know so this can be blown the hell up and put a stop to. And so he must answer for what he has done. Right now YOU are the only one suffering. You need to correct that ASAP.

Doesn't want to give up passwords and be monitored. Won't live like that? Fine, she doesn't have to. But she'll do it alone.

Find your backbone quick, act, and stand firm.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> "if our marriage gets like this again I will cheat again."


And I'm sorry, THAT, RIGHT THERE, would be the point of no return deal breaker for me. She is going to have the tits to threaten you with another affair on the very same day you discovered the first one? Goodbye.

She is telling you up front that she will not honor her marriage vows in the future, and is intent upon causing you extreme pain should you "not behave" to her liking. Believe her now, or she will prove it to you in the future. Again.

I mean, come on she's not even trying to claim it was a "mistake"! She is saying she intentionally did this, and will intentionally seek out an affair partner and do it again in the future. I can't ever recall hearing a WS say that here before. That's a whole new level of "FU" to a betrayed spouse. 

Again, believe what this woman is telling you now about who she REALLY is.


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

I kicked her out, I was still too in shock to do that last night. That seemed to knock a little sense into her. She was bawling when she left. Crazy thing is her BEST FRIEND just had her husband leave her the day they got home from the hospital after having their first baby. Then the situation with her Dad a few years ago. She’s been very close to how crushing this **** can be and still does it herself. Her dad knows now, he’s on my side. He’s been really helpful with all of this.


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

VermiciousKnid said:


> In all 50 states any prior suicide attempts will gain the other spouse full custody. You're golden as far as custody goes unless she goads you into doing something stupid. Make sure that doesn't happen.
> 
> EDIT: I realize I assumed this suicide attempt was documented? That means she went to a hospital and then psychiatric treatment? If only you and she know about the suicide attempt then in the eyes of the court it didn't happen.


She was in a state facility so it will be on record. I figured there would be something like that. This is a load off my mind if/when it ends up getting ugly


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Did she provide other man's name, address and phone# before she left?


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Did she provide other man's name, address and phone# before she left?


She did not. But at counciling today the therapist told me I should wait until Monday to do that so I’m not just doing it out of hate. But she also told my wife that if I want to do that Monday she should turn over that info. Wife agreed to


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

Pepe1970 said:


> Hey man am very sorry for all that, I know it's crushing how you're feeling.
> Same thing here, I found out six months ago my wife had two affairs and the rest is pretty similar to your situation. I still love her no matter what besides being the mother of my kids and we're working things from the ground. I let my marriage go frozen, we were living just like roommates, we both became to the point that we thought didn't care anymore about each other and I took responsibilities for the low degree of my marriage but never will accept the fact that it's my fault she cheated, which is a fact no matter how she put it. It was her own choice and fault. Sadly I don't see here any private message section so I could give some more personal details but now I am in the process of rebuilding my life amending a few things needed to be fixed between my wife and I. I wish you the bestest in your marriage. I know it will be tough these days with those trigger-videos playing in your mind night and day. So you have to fight those thoughts getting really busy, no breaks. As soon as you feel those images playing in your mind, literally, get your ass up and start doing some phisical activities. Now, if you love her, if you think she's worthy of your love and think she loves you, then fix the whole thing together. The worse thing you can do is lose control of your self. I know what am talking about, I'm still rehabilitating from the hit. I wish you the best.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


This sounds very similar to my situation. I would like to talk to you about it more if you’re up for it. Sent you a request


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Your therapist is a fool. You are doing it to break up the affair. Plain and simple. The OM did not rape your wife. She had sex with him because she wanted to. And hid it from you behind your back. Pure Deceit. Lying. Cheating. 

Your wife just showed you be delaying handing over that info she values protecting the OM over her own marriage and has zero respect for her own husband. Ask your therapist why would you want to stay married to a woman who values protecting another mans lies over her own marriage to her own husband?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

She is giving the OM a weekend so he can prepare cover a story that some crazy guy is going to contact her and say there was an affair. Mark our words. Classic cheater tactic.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Rumbles said:


> She did not. But at counciling today the therapist told me I should wait until Monday to do that so I’m not just doing it out of hate. But she also told my wife that if I want to do that Monday she should turn over that info. Wife agreed to


Well THAT is bull****. She now has 4 days for her and the OM to work out their strategy and get their stories straight. And you can bet they are feverishly working on it.

You will either be made out to be an over the top jealous, mentally and physically abusive lunatic, and he will warn his wife in advance this is coming from "some crazy husband of a friend", OR;

He and / or her will find a friend(s) to play the part of the OM and wife.

Final option, is she will continue to clam up and not give it to you. 

I'd bet my next paycheck they are not just going to sit back and let this happen and let you contact his wife. No freakin' way.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

She’s spending the weekend prepping her boyfriend. Do you not even have a phone number for him? Any access to her online mobile phone bill?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

```

```



Rumbles said:


> I want to do that so bad. I don’t have any info on him and I told her I wanted to do that and she wouldn’t give me any info either. She says it’s because she doesn’t want this to ruin another family too



Check your phone bill his number will be there. Inform his wife.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

OP, listen to these people. They know what they are talking about. I guarantee you collectively they have seen more cases of this than your therapist. It's bizarre how similar these stories are.


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

I’m trying to hack her iTunes password right now to sync her messages. I can get the phone records but if I can get the iTunes stuff that’ll give me even more info


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

when you expose do it without warning. 

sit back and let them deal with it.

OM has had time to cover himself but if you have proof (his pic) it wont matter


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

I found the password and everything sync. I have pics, conversations, everything I need to bring him down. Now I just need to think of something clever to text him seconds before I tell his wife and his world gets destroyed. I would be lying if I said I’m not going to enjoy this


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Rumbles said:


> I found the password and everything sync. I have pics, conversations, everything I need to bring him down. Now I just need to think of something clever to text him seconds before I tell his wife and his world gets destroyed. I would be lying if I said I’m not going to enjoy this




I would bypass texting. Just TELL her! 

She really needs to know what her husband has been doing. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Just tell her. Let her catch him in the lies. She deserves the truth on who her husband is. He deserves no warning, Not even a millisecond.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Rumbles:
1. Lawyer Up NOW!! 
2. DO NOT TEXT HIM!!! Just his wife! No warning! Nuke Him! 
3. Demand that you and your wife get tested for STDs. Explain to her that one of the reasons you would never go to a 
prostitute is that they have sex with other men and that is a danger to you and your daughter's health.
4. DNA test the kid to show your wife that you mean business.
5. Put her stuff in a storage locker and give her the key.
6. Get your ducks in a row with the medical records. Have them ready to go.
7. Do not cry in front of her EVER again. There is nothing less attractive to a woman.
8. Listen to these two songs everyday for a week:








9. Now get out there and kick her a$$ (figuratively)!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Rumbles said:


> She just keeps saying she doesn’t want to ruin another marriage. I told her that she’s just protecting him. I can’t beleive this happened to me. I can’t stand this pain anymore. Shes standing right here telling me why she IS truely sorry when I am telling her all the things you guys are saying point to she is only sorry for getting caught. I can’t belive her. I can’t believe she did this to our family


Believe it.

Only then can you work to overcome.
Denial and sticking your head in the sand will only keep you in limbo.

Believe that she sucks.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

*do not text or contact the other man*


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## trueblue2017 (Dec 1, 2017)

Here are my thoughts....

1. Being lonely leads to many affairs. That being said, you did say you understood you were distant, the magic was gone, and you didn't want to do anything. So - understand that even though a spouse shouldn't CHEAT when they are lonely, they often do. YOU have to realize your part in this falling apart as well, and it sounds like you do. And you have to actually fix/change that if you want things to work. You can google 100 things to do with your wife. You can get the book "101 Nights", You can vow to make more time in the evenings together, even if you have to try and get used to staying up a little later, or establishing an earlier bedtime together, without TV, where the two of you can reestablish the magic. 

2. Being able to look at her without thinking of the other guy - I am going to tell you, if you want your marriage to work, this is going to have to change. I'm sorry, I know it's hard. But you need to be honest with yourself. If you don't think you will eventually be able to do this, then you are going to have a huge roadblock to making this work. Sometimes the damage is too much for someone to take, and that's when you have to man up and leave. So - if you can't look at her, even after counseling, etc., without thinking of the other guy - then I would do yourself a favor and leave. Because it will never work if you can't look at her without thinking of what she did wrong. Try and remember, it really has nothing to do with the other guy. He's just a guy - and a guy is gonna get it when he can. This had more to do with you and her and your failing relationship than it had to do with the other guy.

3. Her stating if you work things out, you can't be nosy with her texts and messages forever. I'm sorry, but I agree with her. Of course RIGHT NOW, you need total transparency. She needs to rebuild trust. But there has to be an end point to that, and you can't take this out on her forever. So, right now - you be honest with her and tell her that you are going to need total transparency until she regains your trust. And then you can promise her that, at some point, once she has regained your trust, you will be prepared to forgive her completely and allow her the same privacy that we are all entitled to. In my relationship, we share all of our passwords and are very open about phones/texts/emails/social media. But if that was not the understanding before her mistake, eventually you are going to have to go back to the way it was. Because it's not fair to choose to stay with someone - but then to also take it out on them forever or to hold them to new rules forever because of one mistake. 

4. I cannot express this to you enough - it sounds like you love your daughter very much - but that should NOT EVEN BE A CONSIDERATION in your decision to stay with her Mom or not. You have to make that decision separate from that. Because your daughter will always be your daughter - and you are going to have rights to her and rights to custody - and kids are resilient - more so than we think. Often people stay for the kids thinking they're doing them a favor - but they are often much better off when parents separate if the relationship is full of angst, fighting, distrust. So please DO NOT STAY FOR THE CHILD. And, by the way, judges are leaning more towards 50/50 custody these days more than ever. 

5. If you want to know the REAL TRUTH if she wants you or wants out - give her an easy out. Tell her "look, I love you, and maybe I wasn't being the greatest, most fun, most attentive husband, and I am telling you right now - I VOW to change that IMMEDIATELY. I have a plan and am going to take action to do my part to change that. But you will also need to do your part to be completely transparent with me and work hard at gaining back my trust. But I also want to give you an option - I only want you to stay if you are 100% committed to making this work. So - this is your chance right here, right now. To be completely honest with me. I need to know right now if you want to do whatever it takes to fix this, or if you want to give up and go our separate ways, and if you be completely honest with me right now, I won't get angry, I won't hate you, I won't take it out on you, and I won't try and hurt you. I am giving you an easy out if that is what you want. Because I only want to be with someone who is 100% committed to making this work. So what is it. Do you want to stay or go? It can't be a maybe. A maybe is a NO. If she wants it, she will say YES. 

6. If she chooses to go, or hesitates at all, then you need to realize it's over. If she chooses to stay - and this shouldn't take much thought on her behalf, she should be thankful to even be given the OPTION to stay - but if she does choose to stay, then you CAN work this out if you do it right and you are both committed to it. It will take work. It will take change. It will take communication. On BOTH of your parts. But it CAN happen. People CAN change. You CAN fix broken relationships. But the key is both parties have to REALLY WANT TO. 

Good luck! I'm trying to be brutally honest with you from what I know about relationships and how they work and counseling many, many friends and family members who have gone through infidelity. Some are still married and stronger than ever, some should have given up but put more years of work into it and ended up failing anyway because one partner wasn't committed, and some left and moved on and are much better off. It just depends on what you both want and are capable of. And - I cannot reiterate enough - you need to be honest with her AND yourself. If you aren't capable of truly forgiving and forgetting, then DON'T SAY YOU ARE.

Hope this helps in some way!


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

It sounds as though you are blaming yourself too much. There was a point in my marriage where I felt my husband was more focused on his work than my needs but I’ve come to understand that he is doing to provide for his family. I can’t say I’ve been entirely blameless in my marriage. I did see attention from men as a source of satisfying my emotional needs. Looking back I can say that I lack emotional maturity at that time. I don’t know if your wife has the same emotional maturity. 

Your wife has made a choice. The situation might have led her to cheat but it a choice amongst other ones that she could have made. It doesn’t sound like she is remorseful either. She has made her move by her cheating and now it’s your turn to made yours. R or D? I hope all goes well for you.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Rumbles said:


> She was in a state facility so it will be on record. I figured there would be something like that. This is a load off my mind if/when it ends up getting ugly


No sweat. You're golden on custody. If she has a lawyer, they'll tell her the same thing. They'll also tell her to play nice with you in an effort to get you to do a custody agreement before the court gets involved. Do not agree to anything because as far as family court will be concerned, you'll win full custody. If she has a documented suicide attempt, and it appears she does, she'll only get supervised visits.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

trueblue2017 said:


> Here are my thoughts....
> 
> 1. Being lonely leads to many affairs. That being said, you did say you understood you were distant, the magic was gone, and you didn't want to do anything. So - understand that even though a spouse shouldn't CHEAT when they are lonely, they often do. YOU have to realize your part in this falling apart as well, and it sounds like you do. And you have to actually fix/change that if you want things to work. You can google 100 things to do with your wife. You can get the book "101 Nights", You can vow to make more time in the evenings together, even if you have to try and get used to staying up a little later, or establishing an earlier bedtime together, without TV, where the two of you can reestablish the magic.
> 
> ...


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

OK - I'm going to put in my 2 pennies worth. But before that, I will confess that whilst I am usually a fairly rational and objective person, my kryptonite is an unrepentant spouse. They cause me to lay aside reason and accelerate rapidly to white hot anger. @trueblue2017 , I'm surmising that you've never been personally cheated on by your spouse and whilst I understand your need to communicate openly and frankly based on what you have observed, I do think you are discounting the very natural and extremely potent anger a BS feels and ignoring what is just in this situation ... 



trueblue2017 said:


> Here are my thoughts...
> 
> 1. Being lonely leads to many affairs.
> And yet conversely, many thousands and thousands of lonely, married people all over the world choose to honour their vows and spouses and not have an affair. If they are finding their marriages unbearably lonely they go to their partner and share that and try to work it out. And if they can't accomplish that, then they end their marriages with honour and respect on both sides before engaging romantically with anyone else.
> ...


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

R,

No remorse, no guilt, no honesty, no consequences... No marriage.

Bail Now.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Divorce her and get 100% custody. You won't pay her a penny! You're a lucky man, a lot of people including me, envy you.


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

Honestly all the things that she said were DAY OF me finding out. Not immediately when I confronted her but maybe 12hrs later. I think we were both still trying to process things, she was still in shock. I kicked her out yesterday and that seemed to bring it all home for her. She was bawling, she took full responsibility and did say she would do anything it takes to stay with me. The counciler is having us separate through the weekend and go back on Monday. She said it was all too fresh for us to be making any life changing decisions. I have to agree with her. My emotions have been running wild and I have several ups and downs a day. I know she made the choice, I know I am not to blame for her choice but I do take half (or more) responsibility for the state of our marriage has been in the last few years. I still don’t know if I want to work things out or not. She told me I could read every text she gets and check through her phone whenever I want to. I’ve never been the jealous type, never thought I needed to keep tabs on her until these last couple months. I don’t want to HAVE to check her phone forever either so it comes back to the trust thing. If/once that’s rebuilt I can go from there. The biggest thing is I really don’t know if I’ll be able to forget the OM. I feel like he’ll randomly pop back up in my head forever. It’s still only been two day though so I don’t know anything yet. Thanks for everyone’s input so far. This has been a pretty rough time for me. Does anyone else have any input on forgetting the OM? Any ideas?


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Rumbles, 

I am very sorry for how you are feeling. This sucks. Unbelievably. 

Right at the moment, you are in shock. And that's OK. Your first instinct is probably just to try making the pain go away by forgetting everything as quickly and as much as possible. We call this rugsweeping and it isn't healthy. You need to give yourself time and space to work through things in a healthy and complete fashion. What has happened is a big enough deal that you shouldn't rush it ... and certainly shouldn't be making any long-term decisions right now. I was recommended to wait 6 months to a year before making a decision. And I am glad that I did. It meant I made a more rational decision rather than just responding out of my pain and anger. From how you write, I think that you are still trying to excuse your wife's behaviour and that's also OK. But it is likely that there will soon come a time, as you are able to process it, that you will get really angry at what has happened and at her. This is normal and healthy and you need to work through that as well, even if you choose to separate from her. If only because you will always share a child. 

Recovery "times" for infidelity (i.e. being able to forget/forgive) run to many months, even years. I am ca. 18 months from my last D-Day and I can think of the OW with reasonable calm. But it still hurts and I still have occasional bad days. But in general, my life is on an even keel and I would describe myself as content, tending to happy.

My husband and I have spent a lot of the past 18 months in both individual therapy (IC) and marriage counseling (MC). I would recommend both if you can afford the time and money. This isn't something that you want to sweep under the carpet, however much you want to "get over it" as quickly as possible. Burying the pain and issues associated with it just makes a re-occurrence more likely. And at the very least, it will slowly poison your marriage little by little even if you think you can "just forget".

I found TAM to be a mine of helpful information and support. There will be people here who think you should try reconciliation if you can and more people who think you should just divorce your wife. What I can say is that you don't have to make up your mind yet. Right now, you can just focus on getting yourself back on your feet and taking one day at a time. I am glad that your wife is re-thinking what she feels and thinks. As she works through what she has done and how she has damaged the ones she professes to love, if she puts in that work, be open to listening to her. Not necessarily to save your marriage (because you don't have to decide that yet) but just to heal the hurts between you as much as possible.

Thoughts with you.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Rumbles said:


> Honestly all the things that she said were DAY OF me finding out. Not immediately when I confronted her but maybe 12hrs later. I think we were both still trying to process things, she was still in shock. I kicked her out yesterday and that seemed to bring it all home for her. She was bawling, she took full responsibility and did say she would do anything it takes to stay with me. The counciler is having us separate through the weekend and go back on Monday. She said it was all too fresh for us to be making any life changing decisions. I have to agree with her. My emotions have been running wild and I have several ups and downs a day. I know she made the choice, I know I am not to blame for her choice but I do take half (or more) responsibility for the state of our marriage has been in the last few years. I still don’t know if I want to work things out or not. She told me I could read every text she gets and check through her phone whenever I want to. I’ve never been the jealous type, never thought I needed to keep tabs on her until these last couple months. I don’t want to HAVE to check her phone forever either so it comes back to the trust thing. If/once that’s rebuilt I can go from there. The biggest thing is I really don’t know if I’ll be able to forget the OM. I feel like he’ll randomly pop back up in my head forever. It’s still only been two day though so I don’t know anything yet. Thanks for everyone’s input so far. This has been a pretty rough time for me. *Does anyone else have any input on forgetting the OM? Any ideas?*


Take him down. Inflict as much pain as legally possible on him. If your wife really is remorseful she'll help you. Start by having her quit her job and file a sexual harassment complaint against him. If she hesitates she's not all in and you should kick her to the curb. And it should go without saying at this point that his wife needs to be informed, and your wife needs to provide you any information you need to id the guy so you can find his wife. _Do not under any circumstances let your wife know that you're going to notify his wife ahead of time._ While it's a decent test of whether she's all in or not there's plenty of other stuff to show that, and you don't want to take any chance of her interfering if she's not.

If she does quit and file the complaint, there's probably going to be a settlement offer. Part of it should be that the employer pays for counseling for a year or two. Any cash settlement should be turned over to you to deposit as marital funds. Check with your lawyer about post nups in your area.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Rumbles said:


> Does anyone else have any input on forgetting the OM? Any ideas?


You won't.

Least I haven't and its been five years.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Mizzbak said:


> Rumbles,
> 
> I am very sorry for how you are feeling. This sucks. Unbelievably.
> 
> ...


I don't 100% agree with the whole "wait 6 months to make a decision" approach. Swift hard action is better than wishy-washy indecision. It's true you don't really know right off the bat if you really want to divorce or reconcile, but you will have a better chance of reconciliation if your wife understands that she's the one that has to fight to save the marriage. Divorce is a process, not an event. The person who files it can cancel it or pause it at any time up until the judge signs the final decree, so file immediately and see how hard your wife fights to save the marriage.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Rumbles said:


> Honestly all the things that she said were DAY OF me finding out. Not immediately when I confronted her but maybe 12hrs later. I think we were both still trying to process things, she was still in shock. I kicked her out yesterday and that seemed to bring it all home for her. She was bawling, she took full responsibility and did say she would do anything it takes to stay with me. The counciler is having us separate through the weekend and go back on Monday. She said it was all too fresh for us to be making any life changing decisions. I have to agree with her. My emotions have been running wild and I have several ups and downs a day. I know she made the choice, I know I am not to blame for her choice but I do take half (or more) responsibility for the state of our marriage has been in the last few years. I still don’t know if I want to work things out or not. She told me I could read every text she gets and check through her phone whenever I want to. I’ve never been the jealous type, never thought I needed to keep tabs on her until these last couple months. I don’t want to HAVE to check her phone forever either so it comes back to the trust thing. If/once that’s rebuilt I can go from there. The biggest thing is I really don’t know if I’ll be able to forget the OM. I feel like he’ll randomly pop back up in my head forever. It’s still only been two day though so I don’t know anything yet. Thanks for everyone’s input so far. This has been a pretty rough time for me. Does anyone else have any input on forgetting the OM? Any ideas?


Reconciliation is your choice. It is good that your wayward wife has accepted transparency as a start. Just don't be fooled with a false reconciliation. Time will tell on that. You still should expose to the OM's wife. If you choose to reconcile there will be a second set of eyes watching the OM now. If you don't choose to reconcile still expose so the OM's wife now knows who she is married to. It's the right thing to do. 

Bottom line is your wayward has no say in exposure. These are your facts and you have to the right to disseminate in any way you see fit. If your wife protests on exposure this is about her protecting the OM and her own reputation. It shows you where her loyalties lay. Don't be afraid that by exposing that the OM's wife will kick him out and now the OM and your wayward will run away together. Let them. You don't want to be married to a wife like that anyway. Say good riddance to that. 


Reconciliation is not a instant process like a on off switch. Don't get sucked into a situation where this gets swept under the rug and you are being pressured by the therapist to forgive and simply move on quickly. Reconciliation does not work like that. It will take years to rebuild the trust you once had in her. It's not going to happen overnight or over 4 days. If you are being emotionally manipulated to forgive immediately find another therapist.

In essence your marriage died when she cheated on you, all trust is now gone. She killed it. Not you. She killed it by cheating. If she was unhappy with you she should have spoken to you first, not open her legs to another man behind your back. Do not let anyone pressure you to take the blame on this. Reconciliation is a new marriage. It's your choice and no one else's if you want to do that.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Take him down. Inflict as much pain as legally possible on him. If your wife really is remorseful she'll help you. *Start by having her quit her job and file a sexual harassment complaint against him.* If she hesitates she's not all in and you should kick her to the curb. And it should go without saying at this point that his wife needs to be informed, and your wife needs to provide you any information you need to id the guy so you can find his wife. _Do not under any circumstances let your wife know that you're going to notify his wife ahead of time._ While it's a decent test of whether she's all in or not there's plenty of other stuff to show that, and you don't want to take any chance of her interfering if she's not.
> 
> If she does quit and file the complaint, there's probably going to be a settlement offer. Part of it should be that the employer pays for counseling for a year or two. Any cash settlement should be turned over to you to deposit as marital funds. Check with your lawyer about post nups in your area.


They are consenting adults.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> They are consenting adults.


Not that I agree with the above, but it appears that I'm crossing threads. This wife is not ****ing her supervisor at work so the stuff about contacting the employer should be disregarded.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

trueblue2017 said:


> Hope this helps in some way!


Here, let me translate this.

Pick me!
Pick me!
Pick me!
Pick me!



Hell, NO!
Do not understand any circumstances do the pick me dance. Have some self respect.


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## Ckone1800 (Jul 13, 2015)

Rumbles said:


> Honestly all the things that she said were DAY OF me finding out. Not immediately when I confronted her but maybe 12hrs later. I think we were both still trying to process things, she was still in shock. I kicked her out yesterday and that seemed to bring it all home for her. She was bawling, she took full responsibility and did say she would do anything it takes to stay with me. The counciler is having us separate through the weekend and go back on Monday. She said it was all too fresh for us to be making any life changing decisions. I have to agree with her. My emotions have been running wild and I have several ups and downs a day. I know she made the choice, I know I am not to blame for her choice but I do take half (or more) responsibility for the state of our marriage has been in the last few years. I still don’t know if I want to work things out or not. She told me I could read every text she gets and check through her phone whenever I want to. I’ve never been the jealous type, never thought I needed to keep tabs on her until these last couple months. I don’t want to HAVE to check her phone forever either so it comes back to the trust thing. If/once that’s rebuilt I can go from there. The biggest thing is I really don’t know if I’ll be able to forget the OM. I feel like he’ll randomly pop back up in my head forever. It’s still only been two day though so I don’t know anything yet. Thanks for everyone’s input so far. This has been a pretty rough time for me. Does anyone else have any input on forgetting the OM? Any ideas?




I am a few years out and still think about my WWs affair. A totally different type of thought process now, but I don't think it will ever go away, certainly not forgotten. To forget is similar to rug-sweeping, and you should not do that. If you choose to reconcile, you should still remember what she, and others, are capable of doing to you. 

The marriage counseling thing should stop. You do not currently have a marriage, therefore look into individual counseling. 

Your wife seems like a manipulative type of person, and you seem very gullible. I was too. Know that staying with her can allow her to persuade you, whether it is by sexual or emotional games, just keep that in mind. You want her to be as remorseful as you can possibly imagine, not just playing the part. 

Look at her actions before hearing her words. Watch carefully to determine whether she is trying to fix herself or trying to control you. It can be a fine line, but being skeptical at this point is important, if you are attempting reconciliation. 


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## trueblue2017 (Dec 1, 2017)

Let me be clear about some things. 

Here are my thoughts...

1. Being lonely leads to many affairs. 

{{Let me reiterate - this SHOULDN'T be the case. But it DOES happen. It's awful what she chose to do to you instead of face the fact that she was lonely or not fulfilled and talk to you about it. So, please understand I'm not making excuses for her behavior. And I'm not saying in any way that it's YOUR FAULT she chose to do this. But the reality is - it does happen. And you owning up to some contributing factors is HUGE of you to be able to do at this point. Tells me that you're a good man, and really self-aware. She should thank her lucky stars that you are as caring as you are.}} 


2. Being able to look at her without thinking of the other guy - I am going to tell you, if you want your marriage to work, this is going to have to change. 
{{I completely agree with the comments to my point that said this is easier said than done - this is probably one of the hardest things you will have to do!}}

I'm sorry, I know it's hard. But you need to be honest with yourself. If you don't think you will eventually be able to do this, then you are going to have a huge roadblock to making this work. 
Of course she created this, I was not saying that SHE doesn't have a ton of roadblocks to making this work. 
{{I'm just talking about for your part of it, personally. I'm not talking about all of the things she's going to need to do - which are MANY. I'm just saying that I know girls who have put the affair behind them and changed, but the guy incessantly calls them, checks on them, even tracks them on GPS, YEARS after the affair, and all it does is lead the woman to want out again. So, you CAN check up on her forever, but at some point, it becomes counterproductive.}}

Try and remember, it really has nothing to do with the other guy. He's just a guy - and a guy is gonna get it when he can. This had more to do with you and her and your failing relationship than it had to do with the other guy.
{{The people telling you to contact him or to ruin the guys life, that is NOT sound advice and you are barking up the wrong tree. That is like when a man has an affair with the woman, and the woman goes and tries to destroy the other woman - it's not the other woman's fault - it's your husbands!}} 

3. Her stating if you work things out, you can't be nosy with her texts and messages forever. I'm sorry, but I agree with her. 
{{I'm not suggesting you trust her blindly - she has got to work HARD to earn your trust back! BUT - "living in an environment of perpetual suspicion" is what I'm referring to. That is NO WAY for anyone to live. It's no way for YOU to live either! Do you really want to be with someone you have to check the miles on their car? Follow them on GPS? Call them 30 times a day at work? Check their phone every night? Right now, that may be what it takes to get through this and earn your trust again, but EVENTUALLY, living in an environment of perpetual suspicion will ruin a relationship, even if it's warranted. Sometimes you have to be willing to take a chance. I'm not saying if you see her texting secretively while you're half asleep or see behaviors that seem suspicious you shouldn't revisit things. I'm saying - it can become obsessive, the need to check up on someone - and the more you do it, the more you feel you need to do it. So at some point, you will need to go "all in" and trust her again. Not now, but eventually in the future.... Never be BLIND, but don't get caught in the checking up forever trap either.}} 

RIGHT NOW, you need total transparency. She needs to rebuild trust. But there has to be an end point to that, and you can't take this out on her forever. So, right now - you be honest with her and tell her that you are going to need total transparency until she regains your trust. And then you can promise her that, at some point, once she has regained your trust, you will be prepared to forgive her completely and allow her the same privacy that we are all entitled to. In my relationship, we share all of our passwords and are very open about phones/texts/emails/social media. But if that was not the understanding before her mistake, eventually you are going to have to go back to the way it was. 
{{Yes, you are entitled to make any "rule" you want. But eventually, those rules get old to BOTH parties, and they can actually keep reminding you of the past mistake and prevent you from really moving on from it. Once you two heal and work together on overcoming this, do you really want to live with someone you can't trust forever? Do you really want to check up on someone forever? That's all I'm saying here. Right now, make the rules. Set them straight. Be firm, tell her this is the way it's going to be. Whatever ultimatums you see fit until you can trust her again. All I'm saying is that EVENTUALLY you have to get over it. It may feel right now like that's never going to happen, but with the right work and the right communication, it can.}}

Because it's not fair to choose to stay with someone - but then to also take it out on them forever or to hold them to new rules forever because of one mistake.
{{Yes - to clarify - I agree mistake was the wrong choice of words. It was a decision. But one she is now regretting, thus she made a "mistake" and realizes she shouldn't have done it. Please understand when I say forever, I mean years down the road once she earns your trust back. It may take a year or two! It takes time to earn trust back!}} 

4. I cannot express this to you enough - it sounds like you love your daughter very much - but that should NOT EVEN BE A CONSIDERATION in your decision to stay with her Mom or not. You have to make that decision separate from that. Because your daughter will always be your daughter - and you are going to have rights to her and rights to custody - and kids are resilient - more so than we think. Often people stay for the kids thinking they're doing them a favor - but they are often much better off when parents separate if the relationship is full of angst, fighting, distrust. So please DO NOT STAY FOR THE CHILD. And, by the way, judges are leaning more towards 50/50 custody these days more than ever. 
{{I stand by this. And cannot express this enough. Of course you have a family and you have to consider that and how it will affect all. But don't let your child be the deciding factor in what you choose, because your child will be OK, I promise. As long as she has the love of both of you - she will be ok. It's important to make this decision based on the two parties that have to go through all of this - you and her. I don't mean "do not acknowledge that she exists" - but don't use it as the deciding factor.}} 

5. If you want to know the REAL TRUTH if she wants you or wants out - give her an easy out. Tell her "look, I love you, and maybe I wasn't being the greatest, most fun, most attentive husband, and I am telling you right now - I VOW to change that IMMEDIATELY. I have a plan and am going to take action to do my part to change that. But you will also need to do your part to be completely transparent with me and work hard at gaining back my trust. But I also want to give you an option - I only want you to stay if you are 100% committed to making this work. So - this is your chance right here, right now. To be completely honest with me. I need to know right now if you want to do whatever it takes to fix this, or if you want to give up and go our separate ways, and if you be completely honest with me right now, I won't get angry, I won't hate you, I won't take it out on you, and I won't try and hurt you. I am giving you an easy out if that is what you want. Because I only want to be with someone who is 100% committed to making this work. So what is it. Do you want to stay or go? It can't be a maybe. A maybe is a NO. If she wants it, she will say YES. 
{{I was just saying, too often, people stay because they don't want the "hassle" of leaving. Remove the "hassle" and make it easy on her to leave - and you'll get the TRUTH.... Because, as you know, if she doesn't truly WANT to stay, it's not going to work. But, from your more recent posts, it seems as though after a little time apart and her actions are showing that she really does WANT to stay.}} 


6. If she chooses to go, or hesitates at all, then you need to realize it's over. If she chooses to stay - and this shouldn't take much thought on her behalf, she should be thankful to even be given the OPTION to stay - but if she does choose to stay, then you CAN work this out if you do it right and you are both committed to it. It will take work. It will take change. It will take communication. On BOTH of your parts. But it CAN happen. People CAN change. You CAN fix broken relationships. But the key is both parties have to REALLY WANT TO. 
{{I hope this works out for you both!}}

Good luck! I'm trying to be brutally honest with you from what I know about relationships and how they work and counseling many, many friends and family members who have gone through infidelity. Some are still married and stronger than ever, some should have given up but put more years of work into it and ended up failing anyway because one partner wasn't committed, and some left and moved on and are much better off. It just depends on what you both want and are capable of. And - I cannot reiterate enough - you need to be honest with her AND yourself. If you aren't capable of truly forgiving and forgetting, then DON'T SAY YOU ARE.
{{Understand it's going to take some time to forget about the OM. Right now, you can't imagine you'll ever forget him. And right now, there's no magic way of forgetting him unfortunately. But the more power you give to him - the harder it's going to be to forget him. When you really realize this has nothing to do with him, you will realize that it doesn't matter his size, shape, color, it doesn't matter what he looks like, acts like, what he did that you didn't do. Hell, he may have just been at the right place at the right time and preyed on someone who was feeling weak. Stop giving your power to him. He's just a guy - like any other guy. Once you realize he doesn't matter - that there are a zillion HIMS out there - it could have been anybody, and often, the person doesn't CHOOSE that person, it just happens that their paths cross at the right time to make it happen. But it's going to take some time to get over thoughts of him. Allow yourself that time. Give yourself a break. And ultimately, if you are having trouble letting go of that part, maybe therapy can help that. I wish you the best of luck! No one ever said it's going to be easy to forgive and try again. But if BOTH of you really want this - and both of you are committed to doing whatever it takes - you can do this! But I promise, the more you keep thinking of him, the more power you are giving to him.}} 

Hope this helps in some way!


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

She is currently groveling. It’s hard to convey everything on here too. It’s impossible for all of you to know the history me and her have and I know that doesn’t always matter. It hasn’t been the easiest marriage for sure but me and her have endured through harder things than the average couple goes through. She has gone through major major trauma herself too. Not this before but it was major. I’m not making excuses for her either, what she did was wrong and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive her for it. 

I did have second thoughts about contacting the OM directly tho and decided not to (most of the scenarios played out in my head ended with me in jail haha). This is a pretty rough situation to be in and all of the responses of every kind have help me immensely


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Rumbles said:


> She is currently groveling. It’s hard to convey everything on here too. It’s impossible for all of you to know the history me and her have and I know that doesn’t always matter. It hasn’t been the easiest marriage for sure but me and her have endured through harder things than the average couple goes through. She has gone through major major trauma herself too. Not this before but it was major. I’m not making excuses for her either, what she did was wrong and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive her for it.
> 
> I did have second thoughts about contacting the OM directly tho and decided not to (most of the scenarios played out in my head ended with me in jail haha). This is a pretty rough situation to be in and all of the responses of every kind have help me immensely


And by the way, there is not such thing as forgive and forget.
Of course forget is easy if you love her but you will never forget. That will be a scar you will have forever man. Again sorry for your agony

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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Pepe1970 said:


> And by the way, there is not such thing as forgive and forget.
> Of course forget is easy if you love her but you will never forget. That will be a scar you will have forever man. Again sorry for your agony
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


Am sorry I meant FORGIVE is easy when you love, but you'll never forget

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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

trueblue2017 said:


> Let me be clear about some things.
> 
> Here are my thoughts...
> 
> ...


Let me condense this flood of words down a little bit for you. Either sweep it under the rug or divorce, because it's not fair to her to go through all the miserable crap it takes to do a real reconciliation.

I don't buy this. If the marriage is worth saving, it's worth putting in the work and accepting the consequences for her actions. _If she's not willing to put in the work and accept the consequences then she's not worth wasting your time trying to save the marriage_, so if she balks just move on.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

When you want the affair to be over you will contact his wife. Do NOT contact him under any circumstance. No good will come of it.


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## trueblue2017 (Dec 1, 2017)

Rumbles said:


> She is currently groveling. It’s hard to convey everything on here too. It’s impossible for all of you to know the history me and her have and I know that doesn’t always matter. It hasn’t been the easiest marriage for sure but me and her have endured through harder things than the average couple goes through. She has gone through major major trauma herself too. Not this before but it was major. I’m not making excuses for her either, what she did was wrong and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive her for it.
> 
> I did have second thoughts about contacting the OM directly tho and decided not to (most of the scenarios played out in my head ended with me in jail haha). This is a pretty rough situation to be in and all of the responses of every kind have help me immensely


Rumbles, 

I'm really glad you had second thoughts about contacting him. You're right, no good will come out of it, nor will it come out of calling his wife. What goes around comes around, and HE WILL GET HIS. But on your end, it's best to start by making him a non-factor in your life and giving him no power. Does she still currently work with him? That would be a problem for me, if that is the case, I can imagine it's going to be even harder for you! When I say "forgive and forget" - I mean forgive and get over it basically, but they're right - you'll NEVER entirely forget. And I'm not saying, as Nucking Futs said, to "sweep it under the rug or divorce." I'm saying think long and hard about it. Like you said, nobody knows your entire history... sounds like you've been through some other trauma, and got through it. Take your time, there's no rush to decide NOW. Go to counseling, individual first would be helpful, then together if you do decide to give it another try. And of COURSE she's going to have to go through all of the "miserable crap it takes to do a real reconciliation" - that goes without saying! I would let her know up front to expect that it could take a year or more for her to rebuild trust, and if she isn't willing to do the time, then she shouldn't have done the crime! But what I was saying is that - ULTIMATELY - in the end, the goal is to be able to trust her again. Not to be able to check on her forever. That's an exhausting way to live for BOTH of you, I know someone living that right now, about 4 years after the affair, but she ALSO STILL WORKS WITH THE GUY, and that really compounds the situation. I would almost go as far as to say she needs to find a new job! I wish I could give you some suggestions on how to stop thinking and obsessing about him, that's a great question for a counselor. They can offer all kinds of practical suggestions for things like that. Do you have unanswered questions about him? Do you think sitting down and talking to her one time and asking everything you want to know might relieve this for you? If so, you're entitled to some honest answers. If it were me, I'd keep trying to put it in perspective, and keep saying to myself, it's not about him. He's nobody. He doesn't matter. It could have been anyone. Anyhow, what you're doing - talking to people, bouncing things off of people and getting advice is a good, positive thing! At least it's a healthy outlet for your despair. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do! And don't be afraid to make demands. You are entitled to that right now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Expose to OM's wife. Do not make the mistake of hiding their affair.

No warning just do it. It's about the only way you have of trying to end their affair.

Don't think for one second it'll stop just because you found out.

Keeping quiet now will just enable it further.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Call up OM's wife and expose. Get a lawyer and let them present to court her past mental issues.
If she was lonely, she could have talked to you, asked you to get a different job, etc. Her deciding to cheat is all on HER.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Nothing kills an affair like exposure.

Additionally, if you were the one in the dark and the OBS knew, wouldn't you want her to tell you?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

This story has a number of choices made that were wrong and immoral.

Telling the other man's wife would not be one of them.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

I just found this site and have been reading though a few of the threads. I've been though the whole wife cheating thing and got divorced but I am now happily remarried and have custody of my son. My advice is don't cave in to her crying. If you are anything like me you will never get the image of your wife in bed with another man out of your head. It will haunt you if you stay with her. 

I think a lot of the advice I see here is pretty good. I had to find it out the hard way. At first I was in denial for a long time. Then when I couldn't deny it any longer I acted like wimp, cried, pleaded etc .... It just made things worse. Finally I just said "F**k THIS!" and completely changed my attitude. You have be strong. That doesn't mean malicious. Don't do anything illegal that will land you in jail. Just do what you need to do in a cold and calculated manner. Take control. As I said I advise divorce, BUT even if you do want to stay with her, being hard nosed is the only way she will ever respect you. Maybe you think you weren't the perfect husband and bear some responsibly. I'm sure I wasn't perfect either, nobody is perfect. However, unless you cheated yourself, or abused her, it's really not your fault .

Tell the OMW. Wouldn't you have appreciated it if someone had told you? There are people I hate now because they didn't clue me in. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for her. In a way she's your comrade in all this even if you don't know her. Give her a chance to make a decision. It's the right thing to do. 

If I look back now at the way I was, I'm SO happy I chose to move on. My life is 1000% better. I started going to the gym three times a week. I'm 55 and for most of my life I was never buff, but I am now. I bought new cloths and in general went on a self improvement kick. That gave me the confidence to find a beautiful woman in her 40s who had been though some hard luck martial problems of her own. Now I'm golden. My Ex has even called me up a few times crying that she still loves me. I take no pleasure from it even though I know some people might. I'm way over her....... In any case, just do it. You will thank yourself when it's all over.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

OP, reading your posts, my radar picks up sensations that you want to make her delete all her social media, establish no contact with the OM and move on as quickly as possible.

Also your wife is in the same mind set, but along with "i will probably cheat on you again".

It is clear that with this woman, you will spend the rest of your life looking back over your shoulder. The moment you slip, she will bring up the "not enough attention" card again.

You would be wise to put your foot down NOW. Don't accept any more bullshyt from her. She is married to you and has to behave accordingly.

Otherwise you will come back after a year with a thread titled "You folks were right". It happened before, many, many times.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

The apple does not fall far from the tree. 

You, my friend, have just gotten your "Get out of jail free" card. Just in time for Christmas. It may not seem like a great gift right now, but a year or two from now you will understand. Sorry for your grief. 

And run for the hills.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Rumbles said:


> I found out my wife of 6 years has been cheating on me just yesterday. The last couple years of our marriage haven’t been the best though. We’ve both been pretty distant and the “magic” is gone. I am probably mostly to blame for that since I work manual labor and long hours so I get home and don’t really ever want to do anything. I started thinking something was up a few weeks ago so I asked her about it and of course she denied it. I’m not proud of this but it got so bad that I bought a camera to put in our room while I was out of town for work. Sure enough this confirmed it. I didn’t see anything but heard phone conversations. I was crushed. I’ve never felt pain this bad. I flew home early without telling her to confront her. Once she knew I had put the camera up she naturally was pretty mad but came clean. Some guy she met online who is also married. This is exactly what her Mom did to her Dad when we first got married. She was thee to pick her dad back up and saw how devistating it was. She broke things off with him and we setup a marriage counciling appointment in a few days. Deep down I still love her but I don’t know if I can ever look at her again without thinking of the other guy. I have so much hate for him I can’t stand it. Also I told her to delete all her social media accounts, which she did. Last night as we were talking she told me if our marriage gets as bad as it was she would probably cheat again. That hurt about as much as the actual betrayal. She also says if we work things out she won’t let me be “nosy” with her texts and messages because she couldn’t live like that. She really does seem legitimately sorry but when she says those things I just don’t know. I told her I didn’t blame her, I know why she did it. She needed attention and she wasn’t getting it from me. We have a two year old daughter in the mix as well. I guess I’m just wondering if it’s even possible to forgive and forget. Like I said I can’t stop thinking of the two of them together. I just don’t want this pain anymore but I don’t think I can let her go.


Ok. You have a remorseless, entitled cheating ho on your hands and you are a **** wimp.

That is not a good combination and I'm not trying to be cruel.

Your best bet is to expose to the OW, get your legal ducks in a row and kick her nasty, shameless butt to the curb.

I do not recommend reconciliation in this instance at all.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Rumbles said:


> This has been a pretty rough time for me. *Does anyone else have any input on forgetting the OM? Any ideas?*


Forget... short of a lobotomy, not going to happen. You will never look at your W again and see the person you married.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Get your attorney and listen closely to their advice. Your counseling sessions are of no value right now as this affair is continuing. Expose the affair to the OMW & to your famililes. Your wife is already a liability given her mental conditions in addition, she is cheating. She is also difiant & I do not see remorse at all. She is just sorry she got caught and now realized that she'll have to make her own living. Given her mental incapacity, you're most likely going to be awarded custody of your child. Move on as you deserve a better life and a better wife. Sorry you are here.


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

3 days later she came to the house to spend time with our daughter. We talked for quite a bit. Not really about the affair but just small talk really. I left to go run some errands. I feel no emotions one way or another. It’s very odd. I’ve never been one to show emotion too much anyway but this has got me confused. I currently don’t feel mad or even sad about it. No hate no love no nothing. I don’t quite know how to process this. And honestly last night I think I had the same feeling


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Rumbles said:


> 3 days later she came to the house to spend time with our daughter. We talked for quite a bit. Not really about the affair but just small talk really. I left to go run some errands. I feel no emotions one way or another. It’s very odd. I’ve never been one to show emotion too much anyway but this has got me confused. I currently don’t feel mad or even sad about it. No hate no love no nothing. I don’t quite know how to process this. And honestly last night I think I had the same feeling


You're starting to detach, that's a good thing. You can look at your situation from 50,000 feet.
You have hit that same spot of letting go, that you get after being at a funeral of someone you loved.
Your wife stuck a knife in your marriage, killed it dead. 
There really is nothing she can do to make it right.
Let go of the hurt, ask God to help you forgive her, and file.
Focus on yourself and your daughter.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> You're starting to detach, that's a good thing. You can look at your situation from 50,000 feet.
> You have hit that same spot of letting go, that you get after being at a funeral of someone you loved.
> Your wife stuck a knife in your marriage, killed it dead.
> There really is nothing she can do to make it right.
> ...


Or it's a defence mechanism?


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

It’s hard to describe. I feel like if it were detach I’d still want her away from me but I didn’t care she was there. I didn’t care either way. Didn’t want her gone, didn’t want her to stay. No emotion just empty


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Or it's a defence mechanism?


I had that thought too. When someone gets handed a huge crap sandwich, defenses have to go up. 

Regardless, with the lack of emotion, hopefully @Rumbles can see the situation for what it is and make some decisions.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like you are shutting down to protect yourself. It's like you are circling your own wagons. If this is the case, it won't last. The way this usually plays out is that you go through stages (sadness, numbness, anger, etc.) until, a few years after the shock of infidelity, you discover that you've lost respect for your WS and are no longer in love. At this stage, you regret having reconciled or are happy that you divorced.

Not all people have things go this way, but as with everything else, there is normative behavior that we can recognize.

I definitely agree with all of the others who are encouraging you to expose this POSOM to his poor wife. Right now he's afraid of you, but he will be emboldened over time if you don't tell her, at which point he will have no problem continuing the A. The more time you waste, the less effective your exposure, in my opinion.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Rumbles said:


> 3 days later...
> 
> *I feel no emotions one way or another. It’s very odd. *I’ve never been one to show emotion too much anyway but this has got me confused. I currently don’t feel mad or even sad about it. *No hate no love no nothing.*
> 
> I don’t quite know how to process this.


R,

It's called In-Difference.

As mentioned earlier, you are detaching from the hurt and betrayal in self defense.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

RWB said:


> R,
> 
> It's called In-Difference.
> 
> As mentioned earlier, you are detaching from the hurt and betrayal in self defense.


I think he's still in a state of shock


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Have you exposed yet?

His wife should know, it's the right thing to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rumbles said:


> I just want things to go back to normal or at least as normal as they could get.


Really? You just want to go back to being distant, paying no attention to your marriage, working long hours and ignoring her?

What's in it for her?


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Malaise said:


> Have you exposed yet?
> 
> 
> 
> His wife should know, it's the right thing to do.




Like! Like! Like! Like! Like! Like! Like! 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

turnera said:


> Really? You just want to go back to being distant, paying no attention to your marriage, working long hours and ignoring her?
> 
> What's in it for her?


Not really what I meant. I want to go back to before when my wife wasn’t f***ing some other guy. But would I rather go back to how it was instead of her sleeping someone else? You bet

And it’s not like the state of the marriage before was all my fault. Yes I had a hand in it but it still takes two. I couldn’t pay attention to her because she wouldn’t look away from her phone for more than two seconds. Could I have done something else about it? Been more persistent? Sure, but I didn’t and now I’m here


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Rumbles are you going to expose to the OMs wife?


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

Yes I am. Today


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rumbles said:


> I couldn’t pay attention to her because she wouldn’t look away from her phone for more than two seconds.


So she was on her phone 24/7 before you started being distant?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Rumbles, glad that your are telling the OMs wife. She deserves to know who she is married to. 

And don't blame yourself for you wife deciding to cheat on you. You worked long hours to provide for your family. You came home tired from doing physical work. That is never a excuse for her to sneak behind your back and give herself to another married man. Remember, she never came clean with her concerns nor did she confess to cheating. You only find out because you went into detective mode. If you had not caught her she would still be smiling at you, sleeping with you etc. This is on her , not you.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Rumbles said:


> Yes I am. Today


It is SO difficult for most people to inflict emotional pain upon another, but you are not the person who caused this pain. She deserves to know. You're doing the right thing.


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

I would like to give you a glimpse into your future. 
About 2 and a half years ago, I caught my wife in an affair.

For a week she wouldn't tell me who it was. At one point I asked her, "do you still want to keep ****ing him?"
She said she didn't know.
That night I lost my **** and took her phone. I told her if she didn't tell me who it was, I was going to snap it in half. 
She "kind of" told me who it was. She mispronouced his name on purpose. 
I went through facebook trying to find who it was but gave up because...well, I was at a dead end.
We went through the same thing. She was protecting him. She wanted it to continue. 
A couple weeks passed and she talked as if she was remorseful. 
I believed her because I wanted to believe her.
Our anniversy came (same day as my birthday) and she came home from work. She sat on my lap and told me how committed she was to the marriage. 
Looking back, I should have known. I cried while she sat on my lap however, she didn't show any emotion. She just kind of sat there.

For the next few days I thought about it. She showed no emotion, she protected him, etc.
Well....why I didn't think of this before I didn't know. I went to AT&T's site and looked at the history.
I found his number and how often they talked.
This was where I was shocked. 
I found him on facebook and promptly found his wife through his page.
I called his wife immediately (she was at work).

She confronted him and over the next few days, we compared notes. Both continued to lie about everything. On our anniversary, she even asked him if they could still ****.
Once I told his wife is when my wife actually showed any remorse. I wanted so desperately to have my family. I made excuse after excuse for her and even accepted the blame she put on me for HER actions. 
Our daughter was 2 at the time. I could not accept having yet another child grow up in a broken home. 

Now in retrospect, there are things I shouldn't have ignored.
Her protecting him was the biggest flag of them all.
It was because she didn't feel as if she did anything wrong. My pain and suffering at the time meant nothing to her.
Its important so I'll say it again.
By protecting him, she minimizes your pain.
These red flags cannot be ignored or fixed through MC.

I hate to be the one to say this but, she isn't special.
She isn't going to change.
She will continue to lie to you.
She WILL do it again.

::Edit::
I need to add something. It is ok to take responsibility for things she felt you did wrong.
DO NOT, ever, take her affair and carry it on your shoulders. That is BS and I am still angry at myself for accepting that responsibility.
If she cries now or acts as if she is sorry.
Stop and think.
Shes putting on a show hoping you'll bite. 
Dont.


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

turnera said:


> So she was on her phone 24/7 before you started being distant?


Yes, she has always been addicted to her phone. It was mostly shopping and Facebook and stuff but she constantly was on her phone.


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

I wanted to add something else.
You are faced with a catch 22. 

If you stay and try to reconcile, chances are she will lose respect for you.
By trying to mend things, you actively let her walk on you.
In your mind, you're doing the right thing. Accepting that people make mistakes is a noble thing and should be recognized.
Its mature and forward thinking. 
But its also not the reality it should be.

My wife lost respect for me for accepting her mistake and sweeping it under the rug.
She went on to have several more affairs.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Rumbles said:


> Yes, she has always been addicted to her phone. It was mostly shopping and Facebook and stuff but she constantly was on her phone.


I suspect She was cheating longer than you know or with others. Datadump that phone. Now that you have passcode you may find others she was involved with, Remember she never confessed. She only admitted to what you already know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nah, just divorce her and move on.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Rumbles said:


> Yes, she has always been addicted to her phone. It was mostly shopping and Facebook and stuff but she constantly was on her phone.


Ok here's the deal. If you decide to forgive her and start working on your relationship, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT LET HER CONTROL HOW YOUR RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE. You can always fix the mistakes from the past but don't let her tell you how your relationship should go. 
Just an example. She's start demanding from you to be more romantic because you weren't before. I know what I'm telling you. Don't become a Romeo bending over backwards for her jumping the hoops. Listen to what she tells you (assuming she wants this to work out) but don't over do it. Whatever you do to work on your marriage, do it on your own terms, not hers. Let her know, by cheating on you she lost the privilege to be the queen. She has no right to demand anything from you and also watch her if she's actually working things out in your marriage, don't be the only one doing the changes or adjustments, let her bring something significant to your relationship. Remember this is a two way street.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Well? Did you tell her????


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

I read a lot of forums. Everyone who tries to place nice guy gets divorced it literally never works. The only success I've seen has been.

1. Do the 180. Don't try to do a modified version or half assed attempt at it. Workout and eat healthy as well. Don't engage in arguments with her, etc.

2. Expose. Don't tell her your going to expose. Expose all at once. This means your family, your mutual friends, WW family, OM wife and family, her workplace, his workplace, If you can see OMs Facebook friends then them, literally everyone


3. Get in counseling after things calm down after exposure. 

You may even want to file for divorce to show your serious.


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

dianaelaine59 said:


> Well? Did you tell her????
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Yes I did. She is a professional woman who I think is also going to school. She kept it short and told me that he came clean a couple of days ago and that they were working on their issues. She wished me luck


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Rumbles said:


> Yes I did. She is a professional woman who I think is also going to school. She kept it short and told me that he came clean a couple of days ago and that they were working on their issues. She wished me luck


It's no coincidence that he "confessed" two days a ago. That likely means your wife contacted him to warn him very shortly after you confronted. There's no telling what convoluted tripe he came up with to explain it after comparing notes with her. That's why it's so important to expose to the OM's wife immediately, if not at the same time, that you confront your wife. 

But at least delayed exposure is better than no exposure.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

badmemory said:


> It's no coincidence that he "confessed" two days a ago. That likely means your wife contacted him to warn him very shortly after you confronted. There's no telling what convoluted tripe he came up with to explain it after comparing notes with her. That's why it's so important to expose to the OM's wife immediately, if not at the same time, that you confront your wife.
> 
> But at least delayed exposure is better than no exposure.


He was smart, he know how that works. He covered the bases in the last in inning

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

badmemory said:


> It's no coincidence that he "confessed" two days a ago. That likely means your wife contacted him to warn him very shortly after you confronted. There's no telling what convoluted tripe he came up with to explain it after comparing notes with her. That's why it's so important to expose to the OM's wife immediately, if not at the same time, that you confront your wife.
> 
> But at least delayed exposure is better than no exposure.


I wished I could’ve exposed him the day I confronted my wife but I literally had no information on him except his wife’s name I heard over a phone call. This was all done over a Facebook messege and now I’m starting to think the the OM got to it first. The response was this 

“thanks you for your message. He told me a couple days ago and we are working on our issues. Good luck to you and your wife.”

I found nothing too odd about it initially and I was going to just leave it at that too. She would likely be in pain and maybe didn’t want to accept it or talk about it yet. But then I decided to reply to wish her luck as well and found I had been blocked. That doesn’t seem like a normal response to me but I don’t know. I don’t want to keep hounding her if it was indeed her but now I have my doubts. Any good methods on getting a cell phone number?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> Really? You just want to go back to being distant, paying no attention to your marriage, working long hours and ignoring her?
> 
> What's in it for her?


That's my gal....

Let em' have it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

don't be surprised if the OM's wife reaches out to you in the weeks or months to come...she is most likely in reactive mode presently and it has not completely sunk in...give it some time, but make sure you keep what evidence you uncovered and keep it safe. she may ask for it...in which case you will share it with her but only in person.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rumbles said:


> I wished I could’ve exposed him the day I confronted my wife but I literally had no information on him except his wife’s name I heard over a phone call. This was all done over a Facebook messege and now I’m starting to think the the OM got to it first. The response was this
> 
> “thanks you for your message. He told me a couple days ago and we are working on our issues. Good luck to you and your wife.”
> 
> I found nothing too odd about it initially and I was going to just leave it at that too. She would likely be in pain and maybe didn’t want to accept it or talk about it yet. But then I decided to reply to wish her luck as well and found I had been blocked. That doesn’t seem like a normal response to me but I don’t know. I don’t want to keep hounding her if it was indeed her but now I have my doubts. Any good methods on getting a cell phone number?


The She, the other wounded, the OMW.

May be He, the POSOM, the one who did it in the night.
Alas, to your's wife's delight.

Find her, talk to her in person. If she is the one who FaceBooked you, then blocked you...your' job is done.
Done is not done until confirmed. 

You need the satellite pictures, the drone photos of POSOM's life blown to bits.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

trueblue2017 said:


> Try and remember, it really has nothing to do with the other guy. He's just a guy - and a guy is gonna get it when he can. This had more to do with you and her and your failing relationship than it had to do with the other guy.
> {{The people telling you to contact him or to ruin the guys life, that is NOT sound advice and you are barking up the wrong tree. That is like when a man has an affair with the woman, and the woman goes and tries to destroy the other woman - it's not the other woman's fault - it's your husbands!}}


Much of what you have written is either OK, somewhat OK or Good.

Except the part above.

reference: The POSOM...

He needs to get his gets.
His gets handed to him...
With a dull, roll around pizza knife.

To keep him from getting again and again.

And POSOM's wife needs to get her gets from him....at least fifty percent of his 'Get-his-burg Address'.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Rumbles said:


> This was all done over a Facebook messege and now I’m starting to think the the OM got to it first.


That's very possible. I would attempt to call her to make sure. You can find her phone number if you want to find it bad enough.


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

badmemory said:


> That's very possible. I would attempt to call her to make sure. You can find her phone number if you want to find it bad enough.


I guess the good news is if it was the POSOM that intercepted the messege he has probably let his guard down and thinks he’s in the clear for now. I found a number for her work. Is that a bad idea to contact her at work?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, contact her at work.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Sorry you are here @Rumbles. 
This all sounds pretty familiar to me.
You are at a hard stage because what your wife is doing is confusing to you. In time, it will make sense. Sounds very similar to my story.

Here's the simple version of what your wife is likely thinking/doing now;

- hates you for not paying her enough attention (bitter, child like reaction, guilt minimisation)
- was unable to clearly tell you that the current state of your marriage was unacceptable to her (poor communication skills, insecure)
- was unhappy in the marriage and emotionally wanted out (again, didn't communicate this due to insecurity and being the initiator of the divorce)
- sought outside option for emotional needs (childlike yearning for father figure to approve and give attention)
- got caught (upset only due to childish emotional response - candy being taken away)
- still doesn't want to live with the guilt of enacting divorce (wants to re-write history to salvage reputation)
- hoping you divorce her (blame shifting complete, ability to re-write history)
- maintaining contact with you, being nice, doing things with you (guilt minimization for her, no intention to actually R)
- Half arsed R actions (again, guilt minimization, no intention to complete R, still hoping you D)

So in short, you can see that she wanted out, she still wants out, and she will continue down that path whilst minimizing her own guilt, re-writing history and justifying her actions all the way until you finally throw your hands up in the air in desperation and file for D. 

After D, her re-written history of your marriage is that, you were away all the time, as ****ty husband, you DROVE her to cheat, and then when she tied to R, you gave in on the marriage and divorced her. She will make sure that she convinces as many of her friends and family as possible of this story and will probably be quite successful.

The sooner you realize this, the sooner you will know how to handle the situation and take action.

A remorseless woman does not want to be in her marriage. The sooner you file for D, the better the outcome for you.

Don't get me wrong, having been through this, I would still recommend trying for R if a partner was truly remorseful and doing EVERYTHING in their power to regain your trust.


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## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

You absolutely call her at work. Nothing wrong with that at all.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Rumbles said:


> badmemory said:
> 
> 
> > That's very possible. I would attempt to call her to make sure. You can find her phone number if you want to find it bad enough.
> ...


No it's a great idea. Do it ASAP


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

thedope said:


> No it's a great idea. Do it ASAP


Contacted her at work. It WAS her husband that replied to me on Facebook then deleted the message and blocked me. Spineless piece of ****


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## why_amihere (Sep 26, 2017)

How did she respond when you talked with her?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Rumbles said:


> Contacted her at work. It WAS her husband that replied to me on Facebook then deleted the message and blocked me. Spineless piece of ****


Somebodies in big trouble!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

why_amihere said:


> how did she respond when you talked with her?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Glad to read you contacted the OM's wife. How did your wayward react? Did she find out independent of you? If so they are still talking behind your back. Unless the OMs wife called yours and gave her a piece of her mind. 

What are your next plans in handling this?


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Glad to read you contacted the OM's wife. How did your wayward react? Did she find out independent of you? If so they are still talking behind your back. Unless the OMs wife called yours and gave her a piece of her mind.
> 
> What are your next plans in handling this?


She actually said he told her last night so I didn’t have to experience dropping that bomb on someone. She is still in shock. She has been texting me questions. I told my wife and she was upset, mostly because she didn’t want me and the OMW to KEEP talking haha. She was hoping it would be a single conversation and it would be over. I find that pretty hilarious. As far as my plans go I’m really not sure yet. I’m just taking it one day at a time and still kind of in disbelief over this whole situation.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

I recommend sending her a package of all the evidence you have so far so she can continue to confront her husband and catch his lies. If he does not lie I would then guess that your wife prepped him in what to expect. A clear trespass of no contact and further evidence that your wife is still loyal to him, not you. Your wife trying to minimize your exposure is another clear example of where her loyalties lay. 

You are in a clear state of shock, Someone you trusted absolutely, your best friend and partner stabbed you in the back. She betrayed you in the worst possible way a women can betray her husband. That being said it's normal to be in shock. Exercise hard, eat well, stay off the liquor. Consider seeing a counselor if you think that might help. 

As for your wife she is still in the affair fog trying to rug sweep. Is she asking to please come home? What has she done since you asked her to leave the marital home to try and fix the mess she created?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> I recommend sending her a package of all the evidence you have so far so she can continue to confront her husband and catch his lies.


Send it to her at work, certified, requiring a signature.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Rumbles said:


> Contacted her at work. It WAS her husband that replied to me on Facebook then deleted the message and blocked me. Spineless piece of ****



Someone needs to keep a log of posts like this. This is exactly what people warn could happen. It would help to be able to show real examples when this advice is given.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> I recommend sending her a package of all the evidence you have so far so she can continue to confront her husband and catch his lies.


 Screw that,Deliver it in person, and have a chat with OMW. OM has already shown he's adept at intercepting stuff.
Tell your wife AFTER the fact and watch the jealous hypocrisy make her head pop. Win/Win for you when you could absolutely use a win.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

This is a 2-year-old article but it was one of the more publicized cases of "reciprocity violation".

https://www.nraila.org/articles/20150412/gov-chris-christie-pardons-shaneen-allen?affiliat=


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Screw that,Deliver it in person, and have a chat with OMW. OM has already shown he's adept at intercepting stuff.
> Tell your wife AFTER the fact and watch the jealous hypocrisy make her head pop. Win/Win for you when you could absolutely use a win.


Meet the OMW for lunch, hand over the printouts, etc, then tell you wife when you are done. Wear a raincoat when you tell wife because her head will explode & you will get splattered.

Her reactions are all indicating she is more concerned with the OM instead of her husband.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Rumbles said:


> Contacted her at work. It WAS her husband that replied to me on Facebook then deleted the message and blocked me. Spineless piece of ****


Nice job. You won't regret it


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Amazing job!!! It’s so much easier when you have a teammate on the other end, isn’t it.

I hope that you laughed at your wife when she expressed concern with you talking to her.


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## Rumbles (Nov 29, 2017)

eric1 said:


> Amazing job!!! It’s so much easier when you have a teammate on the other end, isn’t it.
> 
> I hope that you laughed at your wife when she expressed concern with you talking to her.


I definitely did laugh haha. She was NOT amused but it shut her up.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Rumbles said:


> I definitely did laugh haha. She was NOT amused but it shut her up.


i would certainly continue to talk to her for now...just to make sure that this is indeed over and also to compare notes if any....i would meet her for coffee.


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