# Quality time... Am I asking too much?



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Hubz has never been a "quality time" kind of guy. I am big on quality time.

We have four fairly young children (9,7,4 and 3) so as you can imagine, time together just us two is quite precious. Having said that, we are lucky in that we have great parents who like to help out so it's not beyond our means.

Hubz works and I'm a stay-at-home mum. It's usually a long day for both of us and I particularly look forward to the weekends for family time and us time where we can. Evenings are quite busy, we usually get an hour or two but I wouldn't term it "quality" time as usually it involves us both being very tired and, maybe me nodding off, and he just never wants to make th effort to talk because he's tired.

Hubz however thinks I'm mad for considering any weekend-day-time as a time to spend in "togetherness." Like today, he got up at lunch, went out to the shop to grab food. Ate, hung around for a little while, went outside for a while to look at the car, went to the car shop to get the car battery checked. Took a while. Came back, disappeared again into the garden with the littlest kids. Played out for a bit. Came back in, announced he was going back to the car shop. 

"Again?" "Yep." "I've barely seen you today!" And then came the corker...

"We live together. We don't NEED to spend time together!" And bounded off!

Er, what?

He knows I'm quite happy to do what I can during the week to take the load off his shoulders in the evenings and weekends. But this is an underlying theme that rears it's head from time to time. He is of the mind that he works + we have four young children = deal with it wifey, time is limited.

Interestingly he is big on prioritising time with the children. And rightly so. He carves out time with them in the evenings and weekends. He says how important it is to him and he does it. I admire that. It just doesn't work the same with me.

What would I like? For him to sit with me when playing a game or watching a film with the kids. A chat in the kitchen whilst making food. Maybe him suggesting kids' bedtime so he can spend some time with mummy.

We do get a couple of hours at some point over the weekend. But I'm reasonably sure that doesn't mean he's okay to ignore me the rest of the week!

Am I asking too much? Anyone have any experience of a spouse being similar with a large family?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I suggest you read up on the temperature of your relationship. At the moment you are the hot one, the pursuer and that puts him by default in the colder, retreating position. Its so weird how this works but the more you pursue anyone the more they will retreat.

The solution will sound counterproductive but I swear it works. Treat the relationship like a rubber band. If he pulls back YOU pull back. If he comes close YOU come close. Don't chase, pursue or complain. It's unattractive and comes across as needy.

This will be very hard for you to do but you need a life outside of him and the kids. Learn to meet your own social/quality time needs temporarily until you reset this dynamic. And how long it takes depends on how long it's gone on. At first when you do this he may seem THRILLED that you're not nagging him for time he doesn't want to give you. Don't let that deter you. Keep going.

Make friends, get a hobby, stay online, be BUSY when he's home put the focus on you and NOT on him. Give him a chance to miss you.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

No you are not asking too much. It seems like he is activity oriented not sit quietly and talk oriented. One of the things that worked for my marriage was doing more activities with the kids where we both participated. You're not alone but it does help with the bonding. 

You can also try scheduling time for some activity that you both enjoy while someone watches the kids for you. A lot of guys just need to do something rather than talk.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Date night.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Tell him that next weekend you want to go dancing and to a dinner or movie. 

Tell him that you will arrange for a take-out dinner and a baby sitter one night during the week so you two can spend some time at a city park, bowling, or visiting friends. 

If none of this works. Tell him you'll find someone to do these things with unless he makes an effort to rekindle your 'together time'


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Have you told him you feel loved when he spends time with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

anyway, I'm a sahm too. Being one can be lonely at times, especially when other neighbors work at offices. If you'd like, I can be your online neighbor. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## monti_83 (Oct 12, 2013)

you know it could be something simple. there may have been something he was really craving from you and you unintentionally ignored it so he could be holding onto that. Or you hold the fact that you are the care giver over him. I work and my wife is a stay at home mother as well there was a time that she use to nag at me about always having to do this and do that so it made the time at home unpleasent and I wanted to spend my time with the kiddies as well cause they didnt nag they just loved the time together. the other thing we did is had game night no tv just good ol board games!


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I do have a couple of hobbies, one of which takes me out of the house each week. Thing is he seems keen for me to go and not terribly bothered when I get back! Maybe I should get out more?

He knows how I feel about this. It does get mentioned but I'd rather the effort came from him than me feeling I'm railroading him into spending time with me so usually I just let it be.

After what feels like a long time with this issue, I have come to accept he just isn't the same in prioritising this. I don't necessarily want to change him so he thinks the same way but get him to meet me halfway just because he knows it's important.

Oh and he steadfastly refuses to go out in the week. Occasionally we can get a date night on a Saturday night but he frequently says that by the time we've organised babysitters and carted the children here, there and everywhere (we usually split the four between two separate sets of grandparents), that it's not worth the effort just for a few hours. Makes me sad.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tobio,
My sister is getting divorced over this single theme. 

She felt increasingly resentful because her H didn't spend quality time with her. 

And yet she looked at it as an entitlement not something that was impacted by her behavior. A lot of her 'talking' to him was complaining. She understands how to be fun - just never wanted to think about how very rarely she bothered to use that ability with her H. 

A big chunk of your time with this guy has been you getting into long term tussles with him over how he behaves/doesn't behave. It seems like an awful lot of power struggles. 



QUOTE=tobio;4982114]Hubz has never been a "quality time" kind of guy. I am big on quality time.

We have four fairly young children (9,7,4 and 3) so as you can imagine, time together just us two is quite precious. Having said that, we are lucky in that we have great parents who like to help out so it's not beyond our means.

Hubz works and I'm a stay-at-home mum. It's usually a long day for both of us and I particularly look forward to the weekends for family time and us time where we can. Evenings are quite busy, we usually get an hour or two but I wouldn't term it "quality" time as usually it involves us both being very tired and, maybe me nodding off, and he just never wants to make th effort to talk because he's tired.

Hubz however thinks I'm mad for considering any weekend-day-time as a time to spend in "togetherness." Like today, he got up at lunch, went out to the shop to grab food. Ate, hung around for a little while, went outside for a while to look at the car, went to the car shop to get the car battery checked. Took a while. Came back, disappeared again into the garden with the littlest kids. Played out for a bit. Came back in, announced he was going back to the car shop. 

"Again?" "Yep." "I've barely seen you today!" And then came the corker...

"We live together. We don't NEED to spend time together!" And bounded off!

Er, what?

He knows I'm quite happy to do what I can during the week to take the load off his shoulders in the evenings and weekends. But this is an underlying theme that rears it's head from time to time. He is of the mind that he works + we have four young children = deal with it wifey, time is limited.

Interestingly he is big on prioritising time with the children. And rightly so. He carves out time with them in the evenings and weekends. He says how important it is to him and he does it. I admire that. It just doesn't work the same with me.

What would I like? For him to sit with me when playing a game or watching a film with the kids. A chat in the kitchen whilst making food. Maybe him suggesting kids' bedtime so he can spend some time with mummy.

We do get a couple of hours at some point over the weekend. But I'm reasonably sure that doesn't mean he's okay to ignore me the rest of the week!

Am I asking too much? Anyone have any experience of a spouse being similar with a large family?[/QUOTE]


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## eguchijw (Oct 21, 2013)

The solution will sound counterproductive but I swear it works.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the book "Divorce Busting". Pay special attention to the section on the 180. You need to get his attention. 

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of them to keep the love and passion alive. 

Your marriage is in big trouble.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eguchijw said:


> The solution will sound counterproductive but I swear it works.


What solution?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Tobio,
> My sister is getting divorced over this single theme.
> 
> She felt increasingly resentful because her H didn't spend quality time with her.
> ...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

No, not at all. Your h should really be making it an effort to spend time with you. I also think he should listen once in a while too. Why not do things as a family on the weekends? Something everyone can enjoy like a movie or bowling? The kids would really benefit from this. I don't know if it will work or not?

I'm a sahm, I have no friends other then my husband. I fully understand how you feel. I need time with my h too. He does put a huge effort into our quality time. I also am a big talker talk all the time to him except mornings, as he likes quite time when he first wakes up. Usually I get to talk while we have our time together. I also let hubby know how much I appreciate him and especially him providing for us. Usually once a year I'll write him a heartfelt letter thanking him for all his hard work and efforts for everything. My h has a very stressful job, so I really try making the home stress free. I also flirt with him a lot, he does it right back. We never stopped this since we started dating. These types of things help our marriage stay strong. My husband is really a family man though and we are a very big part of his life.

I think both spouses should put an equal effort into meeting each others needs. OP, your husband is rejecting your requests and rejection hurts. Communication is so important. I don't know how you are going to get through to him since everyone is different and what works for me might not work for you. I do know that nagging is a huge turn off and so is negativity. I don't know if you nag at him, but if you nag at him, please stop. He will tune you out. 

I really don't know how to get through to your husband, but I do hope you find a way. I know that some people can be so darn stubborn(both men and women). Maybe marriage counseling could help. I'm getting a sense that he does shut you out. Have you ever sat down and try to talk to him? Asking him what his needs are too? Hopefully you can find a way to compromise on this.

Good luck, I do wish you the best.


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