# Torn between the choice of career and motherhood



## FeatheredSerpent (Sep 8, 2017)

Okay, I'll try my best to explain my situation.

I'm 27 years old, I graduated in Architecture college two years ago and, as I had planned with my husband, we married right after.

1- The economy in my country, Brazil, went through a recession. There is still low expectation of recovery for the next year or more.
2- I gratuated in the recession, I was unemployed for one and a half year regardless of my efforts.
3- I'm currently employed in a job and area outside of my expertise. It is a low-income job with little expectation of growth. It is supposed to be temporary. After all, better this than nothing, right?
4- But will it really be just a short time? There is still so much for the economy to recover and architecture offices are still struggling to survive. I didn't stop distributing CVs and still no answer. I started to realize that I might stay in this job for more than only 6 months.

5- My husband is eight years older than me and has a stable and well paid job. Money isn't a problem for us.
6- In my current situation, I earn 1/10 of what my husband does.
7- How much he earns compared to me, I think, doesn't bother me. I never liked to be dependent from my parents and I also hated to be my husband's dependent. I personally feel childish for that. So earning, even if just a little, means that I'm not spending his money anymore and that makes me feel better.
8- And this mentality continues even if he insists that I don't need to worry and that I should view his money as our money.

9- Since young I wanted to be independent, to leave my house because I knew while I was under my parents wings I had little opportunity to actually experience the harsh world. But when I look back, I can't help but think how I utterly failed in this single wish I have for myself.
10- I entered a long college (six years), I made an interchange (+1 year), I graduated, I was unemployed (+1 1/2 year), and I finally was able to start to earn something at 27 and half.

11- I don't know if this is effect of the recession and the year I was unemployed. I look back and can't help and think how much time I lost studying to achieve absolutely nothing. The recession taught me that what I was told "If you study hard and have a diploma in hands from a good college, then you have higher chances in the rat race" is an utter lie. It guarantees nothing.
12- I cringe at the idea of "study more, go make a pos-graduation while you wait the recession." I think I already spent too much time studying and it didn't solve nothing. Studying more seems the equivalent of pressing the same button and expecting a different outcome.
13- I was taught that a balance of study and practice are better suited for people who look for a career. Study-oriented curriculums might be viewed negatively exactly because said people lack experience. So the idea of studying more conflicts with my perception that I need experience in order to have my CV viewed as desirable.
14- I lost total confidence in my CV. It is mostly my college and few internships and it lacks what I was warned about, experience.
15- I fail to see my job as adding anything of substance in my CV other than having another word instead of unemployed.

Now the biggest reason why I'm so worried:

16- It all started with my husband joking about the idea of having children, many children!
17- He said he would like to have children before his 40s. He already feels too old.
18- We agreed on the idea of having children.
19- But I began to search about motherhood and career women. It scares the **** out of me.
20- He noticed I began to suffer on the idea of having to choose between my uncertain attempt of a career and postponing children or having them sooner and practically say good bye to any chance of an actual career.
21- He stopped pressing me on the matter
22- But I still suffer with the thought.

I want to have children and I hate the fact that I'm 27 and achieved nothing. I look back, people were supposed to graduate from college younger than I did, start doing jobs younger, at my age I was supposed to be achieving something, to have at least some experience. But I don't.
Only now I'm finally having a chance to go to the work-force, only now I can give my blood and time to it and try to do something with it. But it is also the best time to attempt to get pregnant. And give your blood to the work while having a child is conflicting to me. 

I want to take care of a child until it is at least 1 year old. And if I have more than one, it means how long I'll be out of the work force? How much will it damage my already weak CV?
But if I can't see I'll achieve something in the next year or so, is it really worth postponing children to something as uncertain as a career that might never happen?
Am I prepared to throw my diploma in the garbage? No
I already had my experience as a Stay at Home during my unemployment, I know that is something I don't want, it goes against what I viewed me doing and the expectation I have for myself.

I don't know... I simply can't decide and feel at ease in the present. I can't help and blame myself for failing to achieve something at my current age. I blame myself for having to postpone my and my husband's wish to have children to something uncertain that I might never reach. And I know I would blame myself if I give up my diploma, or that I fail to be independent.

In no way I'm complaining about my husband, my fear is to juggle career with motherhood. After researching about it, I found mostly negative points. One affects the other and there is no way to come around. To grow in your work you must dedicate time and effort to it, but if you have small children, your priorities will be split and you won't be able to give such time and blood to your work. It simply doesn't add up. Something must suffer and I can't choose which one I have to sacrifice.

Actually I do, I do prefer to sacrifice my career, but considering that I barely have one career to sacrifice, it feels more like career suicide. I feel like I don't even have a chance in the work force. To show who I am and what I can do. I will never be able to have a taste of earning enough money and be recognized, to be considered good at what I do.

I feel like wasted potential, and I know that it is all my fault, there is no other to blame other than false expectations. I chose poorly so far, so how can I know, if I choose work now and family later, or family now and work later, that I'll ever make a good choice? I can't even trust my own choices.

I feel too insecure, I don't trust my skills, my choices, my CV nor I have high hopes of achieving anything soon (be it economy alone that is still too slow to move any direction). I feel like I am one bad-choice-away to fail my only goal to be independent.

I needed someplace to rant about this.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm almost 37 and have no children, and I've wanted them since I was 23. Life has dealt me a tough hand, more than once.

I would say, have children if you're on fire to have children. IMO it's better to have them when you're younger and if your husband can support a growing family.

Do your best to stay educated. Work part time from home if you need to. Do your best to contribute. It's possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are far too hard on yourself.

Yes, it can be hard to have a career and be a mother as well. On the other hand, it sounds like you have resources that could help make this a lot easier on you.

If you have a child (or children) do you think that your husband would expect you to do all the housework and all the child care? Or would be willing to do about 50% of all that needs to be done?

You can hire a housekeeper, nanny or whatever you want to call the person. So all you do is spend time with your child and your career.

I'm a software engineer. When my son was young I had my own business. I did a lot the work at home. I hired a woman to do housework and 'nanny' work. When I had an appointment, she watched my son. When I was home working she also watched him. That way I could get work done. But I could also take a break and spend time with my son.

Later I rented an office space. I turned one of the office rooms into a playroom where my son and my assistant's daughter played, napped, etc.

Your biggest problem right now is getting into an architectural firm, or a job somewhere as an architect. Are there professional organizations that you can join? Is there one for female architects? If so, join it.

If there is not a women in architecture organization in Brazil, why not start one? Get in touch with other female architects and students in Brazil and invite them to join. The best way to find a job is through networking. So either join an organization if one exists or start one. 

Also look for volunteer opportunities that can use your skills as a architect.

You can do both, have a career and have/raise children.

When my son was young, I spent most of my non-work time with him. I read him books, played with him; we did science projects because he loves science; shot off rockets; and his friends came over and played with him all the time. He had all the love and attention a child could want and need from a parent.

Today he's your age, working on a Phd in Physics and Nano Science. Clearly my being a working mom did not hurt him one bit.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Why do you want children?

I ask because it seems that a lot of people have children because it seems the normal thing to do, but without really thinking through the decisions. 

Its the most important decision of your life. Huge pluses and minuses.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My older daughter is getting her graduate degree in your field in May. I know a thing or two myself about the field... I'm in product design.

First, can you find anything part time related to architecture? Even for lower pay, but to keep current. Here there are lots of opportunities where you can volunteer or work reduced hours. 

Second, can you take part time classes? In your field of course. Also fire up your computer and keep the stuff in your head. 

Third, children... In the USA architects marry architects very often. There's a reason. Working a crazy hours job is hard enough. 1-2 children, not too hard. A Brady Bunch? Nope (Brady Bunch was a TV show with 8 kids blended family and an architect dad. Hilarious but unrealistic). With a live in nanny not too difficult. 

Both my parents worked and I turned out ok. My wife and I work and we have two wonderful daughters now in college. With the right support network it's quite possible. 

It almost feels like two issues here, even 3. Job, career and kids, and how many.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

In the words of the old philosopher Mick Jagger.

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need." 

So why not have a kid now why the economy is bad but keep looking for the dream job. If and when you get it you can start your career. Personally I don't think you should give up anything your 27 not 67. You have plenty of years to start your career. I know it doesn't seem like it now but there really is hope for both. You are not the first women who wanted both, lots eventually had both. Sounds like you married a good man, cherish him, talk to him, use him for support and you both do it together. 

Life when you are just starting out is hard. Actually it's just plain hard. But you can't just give up when things are taking too much time. Nothing really good in life comes without risk or pain. Everyone who did great things suffered both. 

So I say have a kid and keep pursuing your career until you get that too.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

As other posters have mentioned, considering the state of the economy, right now might be the perfect time to start a family. If firms aren't hiring full-time architects, you could potentially work part-time or freelance projects while the kids are young, which you could add to your resume/portfolio, and use to launch a full-time career once the kids are school age. 

There are two other advantages to this:

1. Having kids earlier rather than later means that they are grown and in college by the time you're in your early 50s, which means you get to enjoy your golden years as empty nesters with a lot of freedom. And if they have kids, you'll be young enough to enjoy the grandkids and watch them grow up. If you wait to have kids, then you are still raising and supporting them when you should be retiring, and you'll be really old when the grandkids come along.

2. You won't have to take a career break to have your family, which can be a major blow in terms of seniority and salary. Having the family now and putting off the full-time career for a few years won't hurt you as much as you think, especially since you won't be mommy-tracked (because you've already had your kids). (I don't know if that's a thing in Brazil, but to give you an idea, read In their own words: women who faced demotions after maternity leave and The Mommy Track Myth)


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

And if you think your profession has it hard there... It's not the greatest here either.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I hate to be a wet blanket, but in my experience, having kids often does have a significant negative impact on a career unless you have a stay-at-home partner. 

Children are a huge time sink, the often have issues that cause you to need to leave work early etc. 

When my wife and I had a short-term foster child for 6 months, it had a huge impact on my job. 

Its not an absolute, but on average I think that there is a real tradeoff between children and career. That doesn't mean that people shouldn't have children, but they should do so with realistic expectations.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Oh my goodness you have a lot to say. I was married at 30 and had the kids by 35 so you should be fine with what you choose to do or how you look at it. I chose to stay home with the kids and now that I'm older it's difficult to get back to work. I should've at least continued taking classes to keep my skills up or go for a masters BUT I didn't so I'm stuck. My main focus was the kids-- they are doing great but I do regret some not taking care of my work skills.

Some friends had kids AND returned to work. Even thou it was difficult at the time, they are happy that they continued on with work. It's also great to have a partner who helps out as well!!!

You can do what you feel is right BUT I would recommend that when you do decide to have kids to at least work part-time, volunteer, take extra courses. And make sure your husband is involved too because you will need his support with whatever you decide. My spouse got used to me doing everything when I was home and now he freaks out when I'm gone.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

uhtred said:


> I hate to be a wet blanket, but in my experience, having kids often does have a significant negative impact on a career unless you have a stay-at-home partner.
> 
> Children are a huge time sink, the often have issues that cause you to need to leave work early etc.
> 
> ...


I agree. The whole idea that women can have it all is BS.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its also not just limited to women. There are an increasing number of men these days who put a lot of time into raising children - with corresponding impacts on their careers.





FeministInPink said:


> I agree. The whole idea that women can have it all is BS.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FeatheredSerpent said:


> Okay, I'll try my best to explain my situation.
> 
> I'm 27 years old, I graduated in Architecture college two years ago and, as I had planned with my husband, we married right after.
> 
> ...


Why can't you have children and then in a few years go back to the career? Children are a full-time job and far more important and worth while than any career. 
IF you are so desperate to be independent then why did you get married? Marriage is about commitment and sharing and depending on each other. Money in a marriage is both of yours, not 'his' or 'mine'.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Oh man. Been in your shoes, and I know exactly how you feel. 

My husband is an architect. He has a MArch, which he graduated with in the heart of our recession here in the USA. 

I also went to school for architecture (undergraduate), but as I was dating my husband at the time, and began to watch him go through it, I started to have second thoughts. In my 3rd year of undergrad, I changed direction slightly and morphed my degree into more of an urban planning/engineering focus. My undergrad took me 5.5 years to complete (I also worked during school to pay for it), and in the end my husband and I graduated with our respective degrees at the same time. 

My husband had interned for many years with a local firm and they were willing to hire him as soon as he graduated. I ended up floundering when applying for jobs, couldn't seem to get my foot in the door anywhere in the recession. My husband was eventually able to work a miracle for me and got me an interview for an entry level position with his company. I was hired. I wasnt paid well, but I felt like I should just be grateful to have a job at all. 

I worked there for a couple of years, then suddenly and unexpectedly, we found out I was pregnant. I was shocked and terrified. My H and I were not married at the time and while we wanted children eventually, we were not anywhere near ready for that to happen. There's more to that story, which isn't relevant here, but we knew we were keeping the baby. I just prayed it didn't interfere with my work and budding career. This company appeared to be weathering the recession OK. But alas - eventually the recession hit even the biggest and most robust companies, and there was a major layoff. Over 50% of the employees were let go at the same time, and I was one of them. My husband got to stay with the company, but under a reduced salary. (Everyone who kept their job was under the condition of reduced salary.) 

I ended up 7 months pregnant when I lost my job and out of work for 18 months, sending resumes everywhere and unable to get any job at all. Even something minimum wage! I interviewed a few times when pregnant, that was an utter failure. I had my son and told myself, as soon as the doctor gives me the clearance to go back to work, I'm back in the job hunt. Well - guess what, I got pregnant again before that happened! I now have two children who are approximately 11 months apart. I went back to working full time when my second child was 6 months old. Being a stay at home mom wasn't for me (honestly, I wasn't good at it) and we needed to use my degree! We needed the money! Maybe if money wasn't an issue for us, I would have felt differently... but we weren't going to be able to make our bills unless both of us were working. 

It seems like the USA is slowly climbing out of its recession, but my H and I are also fortunate to live in an area of the country that has a large employer base. When I got back into the work force after having my kids, architecture was still a dying business. I ended up leveraging my degree in a different way...I landed with a transportation planning firm (that's big business where I live) have made that my career ever since. I no longer use the architecture side of my degree at all really, I am in an engineering firm now and my salary surpasses my husbands at this point. That's no slight on him, only to say that "thinking outside the box" when trying to find a way to market and use my degree paid off for me. I know a lot of people who also have done the same thing in a post recession climate...ending up in a field that is kind of similar to their degree field, but not exactly, and certainly not where they thought they would be working when they graduated. Some of us have landed in our fields just as a jumping point until we could get to where we wanted to be, and others like me have chosen to stay where we landed and make our career there. 

I always tell my husband that I am honestly SO THANKFUL that we didn't get a chance to plan our children. We are both the type of people who would have agonized over the decision because we are both very career minded, and now that I've had kids, I can tell you with clarity that there really is never a perfect time to do it. There's always something to have a reservation or hesitation about. My oldest is 8 years old now and I seriously think to myself every year since my kids have been born - if I didn't have them right now, would this be the year that I chose to start a family? The answer is always nope, I'd want to wait until we had ____(insert something here)___. A bigger house, better salaries, a better car, whatever. You name it. 

Personally, I am glad that we had our children when we did. Pregnancy was harder on me physically than I had ever thought it would be, and I think that might get harder as you get older. Also, you may think that leaving a career you've already established to have a child would be easier (I don't know what the laws are in Brazil, but here in the US there are certain laws that keep your position for you for a small amount of time when you have a baby.) Now that I'm more established in my career, honestly it's not. Maybe I am jaded because I work, and have always worked, in a male dominated industry but there is little patience for those who are out of their position for any significant length of time. As you said yourself - there is an expectation of dedication to the career and if you are pregnant or in and out having babies, it's really difficult to focus on the work and getting ahead. It's just something where you kind of have to choose during that time in your life what to focus on, and it's gut wrenching sometimes. I was left feeling like I couldn't give my whole self to either my babies or my work and that I was losing on both sides. Now, my kids are getting older and much more independent which makes me feel OK about focusing more on my career. There is more balance to it. 

The choice of motherhood vs career may seem like you are etching your destiny in stone when you make it, but you really aren't. It is OK to make a decision that is "for right now", and to re-evaluate the decision later. If you want to have a baby, it is OK to do that, let that be your focus for now and then focus on the career later on. 

Take what your husband says to heart. If he can support you and you aren't fretting over money while you are in this situation, that is a huge gift! 



Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

For many people the practice of architecture is too much, especially firm life. DD1 is a phenomenal designer and history / theory expert but wants no part of big firm life. Her significant other is the opposite, a practical nuts and bolts designer who loves firm life. She's decided to pursue a PhD and teach. 

Considering I raised her and her sister I would have no problem playing nanny for her when the time comes. 

She reports Brazil has some awesome architects btw.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Its also not just limited to women. There are an increasing number of men these days who put a lot of time into raising children - with corresponding impacts on their careers.


Agreed. And now that it is happening to men, and men are finally realizing that it's a problem, maybe something will happen. Maybe changes will be made.

I'm not trying to be snarky. It's just that a lot of these "women's issues" are dismissed as non-problems... until men start experiencing it. Or we (women) are not believed. I see it happen all the time. It takes a male champion, someone with a penis to verify that it's actually a thing.

It's everyone's problem, not just women's. But society has ignored it for a very long time because it only impacted women. If men weren't impacted, it was overlooked.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't know that there really is a fix for this. Maybe its a natural trade-off that someone who dedicates more of their time and energy to children rather than to their career should expect their career to advance more slowly. I don't see this as "unfair" in any way, there are lots of costs (including very large financial ones) to having children, this is just another. 

I think that having more men in this position does help because it will help separate gender issues / discrimination from parenting issues. Back when almost all stay-at-home parents were female, it was difficult to separate the two issues. Now that a significant number of men stay at home, it should be easier to cause genders to be treated equally without needing to give parents the same career opportunities as non-parents. 





FeministInPink said:


> Agreed. And now that it is happening to men, and men are finally realizing that it's a problem, maybe something will happen. Maybe changes will be made.
> 
> I'm not trying to be snarky. It's just that a lot of these "women's issues" are dismissed as non-problems... until men start experiencing it. Or we (women) are not believed. I see it happen all the time. It takes a male champion, someone with a penis to verify that it's actually a thing.
> 
> It's everyone's problem, not just women's. But society has ignored it for a very long time because it only impacted women. If men weren't impacted, it was overlooked.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Now that a significant number of men stay at home, it should be easier to cause genders to be treated equally without needing to give parents the same career opportunities as non-parents.


I'm not sure how more men staying at home helps this. I think this would have come along anyway--maybe slower than it should, but it would still happen. It would seem to me that more men staying at home might be of benefit to the men who have stayed at home in the past and suffered the social ostracization from doing something "unmanly." but more men being at home doesn't help women in the workplace get a fair shake. More women in the workplace is what has helped women get a fair shake. We're reaching a critical mass so that this will become the norm rather than the exception. 


The bottom line is that each couple needs to do what is best for them. In cases where the woman has the greater earning potential or the more dynamic career, then for family reasons, the couple may choose that the man be the one to sacrifice career maximization. This may mean staying at home or it may merely mean working but missing out on some advancement opportunities, as women have traditionally done. 

I saw this a lot in the military. Women who marry a military member have sever career limitations since military members get transferred frequently. To maintain a separate career and get transferred to a place not of your choosing every 2-3 years, is just not possible. The military spouses who worked successfully typically had very mobile careers. Most common was nurses--they are in demand everywhere and when you move, there's a good chance you can get in with a facility near your husbands duty station.

But as times changed, I saw more and more women in uniform. Now, if a man wanted to stay married to the military woman, it is he who would have to sacrifice career opportunity. Often, they became SAHDs. Sometimes this was good to have a full time parent in the home (as opposed to full time day care) as the additional stability helps children deal with the trauma of frequent relocations.

Just as many military wives were nurses, I expect the future will reveal successful military marriages where the woman is the career military person as having military husbands in highly portable but traditionally male job classes. For instance, there are shortages in skilled trades all over the country. A qualified electrician or plumber can generally find good work anywhere he goes. 

It's also worth noting that I saw lots of dual military couples, which is to be expected. But with the frequent moves, its not always possible for both to take successful career paths and still stay together, so one separates. If the woman has the rippin' career, the man may be the one who separates from military service. I say an increasing number of cases where the woman was the superior military officer and earned promotions for which her husband was passed over. So who shoul bail was pretty obvious.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The way I think it helps is that in the past there were two different issues that got conflated: Opportunities for women in the workplace and opportunities for primary care parents (or whatever term you want) in the workplace.

Since the great majority of primary parents were women, the on-average slower progression of women's careers couldn't easily be identified as being caused by discrimination or by parenting. Now that there are men who are primary parents, it is easier to separate the problem and look for signs of gender discrimination. 



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I'm not sure how more men staying at home helps this. I think this would have come along anyway--maybe slower than it should, but it would still happen. It would seem to me that more men staying at home might be of benefit to the men who have stayed at home in the past and suffered the social ostracization from doing something "unmanly." but more men being at home doesn't help women in the workplace get a fair shake. More women in the workplace is what has helped women get a fair shake. We're reaching a critical mass so that this will become the norm rather than the exception.
> snip


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Have babies. Get a nanny.

Or, if you want to wait a few years, get a thorough checkup from your OB; while there, discuss your concerns and talk about whether or not you should consider freezing some eggs.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Have your children, and work part time. In Brazil you can have multiple domestic employees to take some of the burden off you. Take advantage of that. Do not leave your profession. If your husband turns out to be a jerk, and cheats, or you get divorced, you will be glad you have kept your profession alive.

This advice is from a professional who left her profession to raise a family. My husband cheated and wanted a divorce. I and my children would have had a very difficult time living on the small alimony and child support we would have received. I had been away from my profession for 15 years at the time of his infidelty. My children were 13 and under and I would have needed training to even reenter my field.

The difficulty of getting back into the work force, while homeschooling children is part of the reason I have not divorced him 8 years later, now that I have realized that his cheating was just the tip of the iceberg regarding his character flaws that damage our marriage, our family, and my heart.

Although we reconciled, I could kick myself in the a** for leaving my profession completely. Had I worked just part time, I could have easily transitioned to full time after a divorce. With the rampant cheating and high divorce rates of today, I will not advise my daughters to completely leave their professions to raise children. It is simply not wise.

Work part time even if you only use the money to hire a nanny, cook, and housekeeper since you live in Brazil. Heck, you probably already have a cook and housekeeper. All you need is a nanny.


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## FeatheredSerpent (Sep 8, 2017)

Okay, to be fair, I received notification of two comments here and nothing more, so I thought the topic was dead. I was very surprised when I found this topic with 20 replies.

I know it took me long to reply, but during this time I still wasn't able to soothe my concerns. I thought I did, but they returned recently.

I see no problem doing part-time jobs, I would really appreciate them in fact and the idea of later, when said children are at school age, to return to full-time jobs seems to fit well with what I would like to do.

However, I don't know if my worries have more to do with the recession and how it affected my confidence. I don't know if I'm blowing things out of proportion but the feeling I have is that if I commit one slip I'll destroy any chances I have to even get a job.

During the time I was unemployed I tried architecture firms and construction firms, but those were struggling to keep themselves barely alive during these difficult years and have no interest in hiring people if they have no projects to do. Such situation didn't improve yet and my bet is that, with 2018 being the election years, things will keep somewhat stagnant till the end of the next year.
After one year unemplyed I began shooting to every direction, malls, jobs that weren't related to my area, low-paid jobs, frerelances. But I was rejected by even those.

Yes, I have a low-paid job now, it has its advantages, but it is supposed to be temporary and yet I see I don't have other choice other than stay where I am for at least one year or even more, because I still have no reply from the CVs I send.

After this experience in the market, I can't help the feeling that I'm extremely undesirable. I can't help the feeling that all the dedication I gave to entering one of the best universities in my country, all the years I spent studying, were completely useless. All this time I spent studying I could have been doing something else, and even if I did scientific researches and internships, they still seemed like useless effort. It wasn't enough, I chose something wrong and I'm not sure what.

If I'm undesirable to the market now when I was supposed to be the most interesting "young, recently graduated, willing to work for the minimum", if I stay away to raise children, even if only for one or two years, won't it make my Curriculum look even worse? Won't it make me look even more undesirable? Not only the time away from the market, but doesn't having small children make women even less desirable to hire?

Is it really just a temporary state? Or such undesirability is true?

I had a plan (work in an architectural firm to gain experience), then a second (send as many CVs, go door to door talk with architects in an attempt to get a job, ask for friends and family help with contacts), then a third plan (shoot CV everywhere) and I'm currently in the forth (I got a low-paid job, better than nothing but it is supposed to be short-stay and it won't). I find myself unable to think of a fifth plan because I can't weight my choices and their consequences anymore. I can't trust what I thought was true or what I thought would be the best route because my guts got me nowehere.

So I find myself trying to decide if waiting or not to have children, but I can't "see" where these choices will probably take me. 
All I see is that both options will probably lead me to negative consequences: get too old and have difficulty to get pregnant, lose career and not be able to return where I previously was or wait till older age and still be nowhere career-wise. Or have children now and I can't help the feeling that it will kill any chance I have in returning to the market.

I think this has more to do with psychology and economy than marital problems.
Sorry, but I needed somewhere to rant.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My daughter is graduating next May with a graduate degree. Realistically speaking she can get lots of jobs - top ten university etc - but the pay is pitiful until license. Like 35-40k$ after investing 7 years. And long hours etc. She's going for PhD thankfully.

If university is low cost, can you get a business degree and work on the business side, real estate, etc?


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

I agree with the business degree angle. Then you can do consulting while raising kids. I don't know how easy it would be to do architecture consulting so hmm could you pivot into interior design? Sorry, I don't know the industry or your goals so well. 

I'm 37 and had been trying before the big "reveal" of cheating in my marriage put a damper on that. (Some) People have said I should have had a kid earlier, but then it would have been with cheating ass cheaty mc cheatpants so silver lining. I still think it's possible to have a fulfilling home and work life, but it might not be the ideal work-life balance depending on where your focus is. Many women in my field are able to do it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It can be surprisingly difficult to find jobs even if you are very skilled. Companies need to be looking for the same skills AND need to notice you. I'm trying to hire someone now and I have >200 resumes for a job with very specific and unusual technical requirements. Lots of people lie and I can't interview all of them. So I do my best to filter based on resumes, but I'm sure that there are some qualified people that I have missed. (along with the unqualified ones that I have interviewed).


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Actually architecture or design of any kind is much easier to hire for. People have portfolios and you can quickly see if they can design like Zaha or not. It's also a field where the school does matter a lot by virtue of the alumni network, reputation, and so on. 

If the op is reading, reach out to school alumni. They're a good bet. Update your skills (Revit? BIM? 3D? LEED?) Try for MBA.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

uhtred said:


> I hate to be a wet blanket, but in my experience, having kids often does have a significant negative impact on a career unless you have a stay-at-home partner.
> 
> Children are a huge time sink, the often have issues that cause you to need to leave work early etc.
> 
> ...


My wife and I have full-time careers and place our personal relationship plus earning a living before our children. We also don't spend any of our weekends taking our children to sporting events or keeping them entertained.

My wife also goes away for work a couple of times a year for a few days at a time. While I tend to go away for a few days once every month or two and sometimes twice a month. We have also never relied on our families of origin to help with the kids either.

For us kids simply aren't a big deal, we feed, clothe and provide shelter for them. While trying to raise them fairly, with discipline, boundaries and high expectations as well. Although they do take up some of our time and do cost money, raising them has mostly been pretty easy.

Our youngest is 14 and our oldest is 17, both of them have friends, are academically accomplished and have both represented some of their schools in athletic sports at zone and regional level. While our youngest is an accomplished clarinet player (she has been in various bands, including one that is award winning) for her age and is also excellent at mathematics as well.

That said when they were very young they did require more attention so my wife took a year off on maternity leave for each child. While I ended up taking close to 3 years off to stay at home with the kids after she returned to work the second time.

Following my return to work I have mostly worked out of home except for when I go away. While my wife has always worked no more than 15 minutes walk or drive from work. Before I stayed at home with the kids I worked 15-20 minutes drive away from home, so no significant commuting for us. We also used long day care for a time, which helped as well.

We found once the kids reached school age it got a lot easier after that.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

I'm from Europe so I'm not sure if what I say would apply. What I've noticed is that the less employment opportunities a certain career has, the more impact having kids can be. In other words, when employers are the ones holding advantage and get to pick their hires while paying badly, the less humane and understanding they have about employees even having family.

Having kids is not rrslly that big of an impact if your career is hot. I work in IT and am flooded with HR contacts all the time, I don't feel that a year or so of pause would really be a big deal at all. When the market needs you, you get hired even if the employer finds a few things inconvenient.

Which leads to the issue of employability in your case. Is the market demanding your area of expertise or is there lack of opportunities? If not, then what do the hottest candidates has that you can also have?

Also, do you desire independence or also do have a passion for architechture. I ask this because I've seen people of different areas including this moving to IT because they can't have a decent employment. If you are mainly interested in being independent then you might consider alternate paths that can lead to more success. If not, still find out alternatives related to your area that makes better money.

Again, from what I've seen, the more employability you have, the less impact having a child has. When people needs specialists they will need them. I've seen women in my area, IT, that still has career while raising kids, while women in other areas with lack of employability often suffering even with employers accepting their pregnancies. It's really a big difference how they are treated.

26 is not a late age, I've started around this age and have a kid at early 30s yo. You can revise and plan your career right now and have kids later. Although with your husband's finances it doesn't seem too hard since it might enable hiring nannies to help at home.


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## BradWesley2 (Jul 15, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> I agree. The whole idea that women can have it all is BS.


Amen to that sister. The whole "You go girl, you can have it all", is really total bullshyt.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Motherhood, no one ever says on their deathbed, "I just wish I had more time to spend on my career".


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