# Is it possible to have an emotional relationship with him after all this?



## xox (Jul 19, 2011)

Hey everyone...

I am having a difficult time emotionally in my marriage and I would like some advice.

Some background:


My husband and I were married when I was 19 and he was 21. We were not ready for marriage as we were only dating for a total of 10 months before we got married. We are 27 and 29 now.
I wouldn't say we were in love when we got married though we did love one another. He was kind of a rebound for me and I was the last girl in our church that he didn't date (because I had been in a 2 year relationship).
We were both involved in a cult-type church. Very controlling which is why we were married so young. Obviously the church doesn't agree with premarital sex or messing around (we had messed around quite a bit). We were pretty much forced to be married.
Our first year of marriage was sabotaged by the fact we weren't financially or emotionally ready to be married. We lived in a shack (maybe 450 sq ft) without a bathroom (no shower, no toilet) for over a year. I had to walk or drive to his mothers for showers and bathroom privileges. I worked day shift and was alone all evening and he worked evenings until 2-3am so we never saw each other except weekends. All the while we were paying tithes to our church which could have afforded us a decent place to live.
We fought constantly about the church and how I wanted to leave and he didn't. I felt he didn't love me because he saw how I was tortured there but wouldn't leave because of fear and his own attachments.

While it's complicated to explain 8 years of marriage in one post we managed to stay together. In the first 3 years of marriage before my first child was born things got physical often and I was usually the one to start it. I would be trying to tell him how hurt I was by this church and he wouldn't hear it. He would start patronizing me, making fun of me and I would end up smacking him or pushing him etc which lead to physical altercations. Mostly him holding me down, screaming loudly in my ear. I was desperate to be heard and when he would make fun of the hard time I was facing in the cult it would set me off.

After my first son was born the physical fight all but stopped. The last time he 'pushed' me in the face was a fight about the church almost 2 years ago. We were in the car and we were arguing over something. I mouthed off and he got extremely mad. I was pregnant at the time and it was the last straw she when we arrived home I went into our room and packed my bags. I was all but ready to find a hotel room for my son and I when he busted out crying (he never ever cries when it comes to me) and apologized on his own free will. (something I never got in the past was a free-will apology) I told him if he ever laid a finger on me again I would leave him and we would divorce. He hasn't touched me since.

To clarify I never left him because I had nowhere to go. My mom and dad lived 10 miles away but they are hoarders (like the kind you see on TV) and I couldn't go back to that environment.

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I do feel that I am over most of the above. We have moved on nicely and even somewhat happily despite everything. After having a talk with my mom this spring he finally relented and we left the cult. Since then I feel like our relationship will survive which is something I couldn't say the beginning of this year.

My problem with this relationship is that we don't connect emotionally. We aren't friends and I don't feel like he understands where I am coming from. He's quite a push-over and people pleaser and it does end up hurting our relationship more than helping it.

When I try and talk to him we never have a sit down conversation and when I ask to talk to him he shuts down. When we do talk I am normally sitting on the couch and he stands 10 feet away in the kitchen looking at the wall. He never looks at me when we have discussions. This is about anything and he is always this way with everyone so I know it's not just me.

When I bring concerns to him he doesn't understand them. When I ask him why certain family aspects don't bother him when they hurt me so badly (family favoritism) he doesn't have an answer for me. He tells me he is emotionally shallow and just doesn't see things the same way. He feels if he says anything to my IL's based on my feelings he is being controlled by me because it isn't his feelings. I reminded him when I hurt it should hurt him but he doesn't see it that way..

He is just not an emotional feeling type of guy and 8 years in I know that's what I need. I need to know he is my friend and I can count on him to stand up for our family when need be. Also he never compliments me or makes me feel like a wife. When he touches me or hugs me I feel like he only wants sex.

Sexually our relationship is mostly lukewarm. We DTD every other day for the most part but I do it just to make sure he is satisfied and I have no desire. Maybe 1 time a month we are both into the deed. I am very self conscious of my stomach after 2 kids and this hurts us sexually as well.

I've asked that we both attend marriage counseling. He first says it's not covered under insurance (is it?) and kind of scoffs at the idea helping anything. He thinks just because he left the cult our relationship should be better and doesn't understand why I am still unhappy at times.

I am not leaving him and he is not leaving me. For the most part we are just going through the motions and I know I want more than that. Neither one of us has someone we could call a friend. I know I am emotionally damaged and unable to connect with people because of the spiritual abuse.


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## xox (Jul 19, 2011)

Hoping someone has some advice.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

xox said:


> Hoping someone has some advice.


Sorry, just wanted you to know someone has read your posts; had a bit of a toughie myself today (mother fading fast unless someone gives her the necessary op.....) and that's not to make light of your problems. 
Good luck, get back here later I hope.


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## xox (Jul 19, 2011)

Thanks for reading madimoff. Wishing your mother the best.

Guess there's no light at the end of the tunnel for me. So is my life.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

xox said:


> Thanks for reading madimoff. Wishing your mother the best.
> 
> Guess there's no light at the end of the tunnel for me. So is my life.


To tell you the absolute truth I cam back not because I remembered your thread, but because your thread title pulled me in. I'm sorry. I know for you it's a big deal and that's all that actually matters. That doesn't mean I think it's not a big deal, it's just trying to make it clear I understand you're here for a reason. I'm just sorry for you that no-one else has (hopefully _yet_) got onboard to give you some pearls of wisdom. 
I don't think I've got the oomph to give you much in the way of advice/wisdom but I would say this: worry about yourself. Sure your kids, that goes without saying. But if there's something you've wanted to learn, or do, go on and do it. It shouldn't damage a healthy marriage, in fact it should be a strength. A weak marriage it could go two ways. But for you? It can only really be good. Worry about you and your kids. Learn what you want to learn, do what you have time to spend doing. Your hub won't lose out majorly, I imagine because you know how to spread time around. At least you might feel better about yourself ..... with or without him or anyone else........


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## Dr Snuggles (Jul 19, 2011)

Hi there. sorry I didn't see your thread earlier. I have a very similar story to yours. My husband and I got married at 19 years of age. We are now both 35 years old with 4 kids. We had to go to court to get married, co's we didn't have the support of our parents. In the first couple of years, we fought alot! I never became physical, but he did. I left him for 6 months and took him to court and slapped a criminal charge of domestic violence and assault against him...he only slapped me accross the face, but I was able to nail him for that. Since then, we have no emotional connection, hardly ever have sex...same thing as you...I don't enjoy it and want to get it over with. I am tired all the time. I also recently found out that we is having an emotional affair with one of his ex-girlfriends from high school. He doesn't confide in me, and quite frankly, I think he only cares about me because I am the mother of his children. He says we got married to young and he was "too ambitious". What does that mean??? We are going to marriage counselling now, but he is good at manipulating, so I don't know what to expect. I would suggest you do the same as I did...educate yourself and get into the working world and become financially stable. Marriage counselling is covered by the medical aid, so go for it. If it doesn't work, you have a stable income to support yourself and your children. I can't give you anymore advise other than just to make sure that your husband isn't possibly having an affair. That could also be the reasons for the "lost" feelings that should be in place as a husband. Anyone else agree?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

It doesn't matter that it's not covered on insurance, if counseling is what saves your marriage won't it be worth it?

I think you should write your husband a letter, outlining that you love him, love that he left the cult, but that your physical and emotional relationship are way off being healthy and you feel if things don't change you will end up divorced. Let him know it's not what you want, you want to work on it, however you need a professional to help.

Let him know you both will have to change and learn and grow, not just him.

Good luck.


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## Dr Snuggles (Jul 19, 2011)

Good Advice Syrum....i totally agree.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As far as the cost of counseling goes... If he thinks that's too expensive, have him get some quotes on the cost of divorce, alimony, and child support...

C


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