# Not attracted to my spouse :(



## anacata (Feb 13, 2011)

I'v been married 7 years. I'm not attracted to my spouse for many years now. I still want to stay with him but I'm very saddenned because I used to love sex and found it a very exciting fun part of our lives together. When we met he wasn't really my "type" physically, but I fell in love with his personality. Maybe that was the problem? I thought he was attractive, but I never had crazy intense passionate desire for him. 

I don't want to divorce because I like our life together, if only we could get the sex thing out of the way. He seems less attracted to me as well which kind of worries me. We still are intimate at least once a week and usually because I initiate it because I want to feel close to him. Sometimes it's enjoyable once we start it, but often I'm just really bored and not excited. I feel depressed after.

Does anyone else have this problem and have any advice for me? I want to like sex again. I don't want to leave him. I like to read and would love to find a book that my husband and I could work on together to improve our sex life-even if it was like a book with homework and day to day goals. :scratchhead:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I dont have these books, but they sound good -for what you are asking...

Amazon.com: The Return of Desire: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion (9781590303641): Gina Ogden: Books


Amazon.com: The Kosher Sutra: Eight Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life (9780061668333): Shmuley Boteach: Books

Amazon.com: Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages (9780415935517): Barry W. McCarthy, Emily J. McCarthy: Books


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

I do think you should get it out in the open and be honest with him about how you feel...because probably he feels it too...if both of you are in the same page about your relationship and concerns, then you both can do something about..together....if it goes someplace great if it doesnt, at least you both will share the burden.....communication is key....


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

The good news: most any marriage can be salvaged if both partners can be honest about these types of issues. If you view each other as being on the same team, you'll give each other the cheat codes to developing more passion in your marriage. Sweet!

The bad news: failure to be honest is going to make this problem worse over time, likely endangering your marriage. Take care of it by opening up the lines of communication before things disintegrate. 

Sex 1X per week is much more frequent than many people get it. Things can go downhill. Stop them before they do!



anacata said:


> I'v been married 7 years. I'm not attracted to my spouse for many years now. I still want to stay with him but I'm very saddenned because I used to love sex and found it a very exciting fun part of our lives together. When we met he wasn't really my "type" physically, but I fell in love with his personality. Maybe that was the problem? I thought he was attractive, but I never had crazy intense passionate desire for him.
> 
> I don't want to divorce because I like our life together, if only we could get the sex thing out of the way. He seems less attracted to me as well which kind of worries me. We still are intimate at least once a week and usually because I initiate it because I want to feel close to him. Sometimes it's enjoyable once we start it, but often I'm just really bored and not excited. I feel depressed after.
> 
> Does anyone else have this problem and have any advice for me? I want to like sex again. I don't want to leave him. I like to read and would love to find a book that my husband and I could work on together to improve our sex life-even if it was like a book with homework and day to day goals. :scratchhead:


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## Mr.Arm (Feb 16, 2011)

Dear Anacata,

I too have the same feeling. I am no longer attracted to my wife, been a couple of years now. I married her not because of passionate love, but she was my best friend and she still is. Our sex life is not perfect, though I know I want to do more in bed with her, because I enjoy giving more than taking. 

I have openly discussed this with her that I am not turned on and hint her wearing really nice sexy clothes, miniskirts anything that turns me on visually. However she claims she does not want to look like a **** and continues dressing down in really annoying clothes. I simply gave up talking about it instead I decided just to take the initiative and buy her the nice clothes. She refuses to wear them.

I feel that our sex life has gone from bad to worse. Used to love dirty talk and that is out, I just dont enjoy making love to her anymore. I want to do things in bed, shower, at the beach. Just impromptu anywhere for the sake of "wildness", she choses proper protocols, usually after 11 pm, after shower when all I energy is out.

I love to kiss the body all over, I love to give pleasure more than take, but I am no longer turned on verbally and visually, not to mention she did hurt my ego a few times. I simply have no say.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Mr.Arm said:


> Dear Anacata,
> 
> I too have the same feeling. I am no longer attracted to my wife, been a couple of years now. I married her not because of passionate love, but she was my best friend and she still is. Our sex life is not perfect, though I know I want to do more in bed with her, because I enjoy giving more than taking.
> 
> ...


I feel the same way. There is no enjoyment in the same thing, no enjoyment in protocol. I feel that if she initiated with me tonight that I won't really want to go through with it unless she breaks out of her shell. She is also a bedtime, lights off person. She was not like this prior marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

As I man, I would suggest trying to address the sex issue prior to telling him you no longer find him attractive. Although honesty is good, being told, "I am no longer attracted to you," can be a crushing blow.

I am not certain, but it sounds based on your post that the attraction is more based on sexual satisfaction then anything else. Work on addressing your sexual desires before bluntly telling him you no longer find him attractive.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Can't help ya - but feel for ya. Don't know WHAT I would do if I wasn't attracted physically or sexually to my husband - I would probably have to leave.

My problem is that I am extremely attracted to my husband, even after 27 years and his touch makes me weak in the knees.

But, apparently, either he is NOT as attracted to me anymore or he has other issues that he won't discuss.

Good luck though.


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## anacata (Feb 13, 2011)

Thanks for all your responses. I think I will have to check out those books on Amazon. (thanks for the links SimplyaMorous)

For the men who are saying their wives like the later in the night-lights out kind of sex and weren't like that prior to marriage. I really feel for you. I'm worried that my husband feels the same way. I know he must because this is kind of what happenned to me. I lost my sexual desire because of things that happenned in our marriage that hurt me (nothing big like cheating, just small things like him judging me, ridiculing me and trying to change me) and now I do have the attitude that I want to just have sex and get it over with. I HATE this about myself and want what we had before marriage. I understand the need to dress "sexy" and even ****ty at times to peak a man's interest. I don't like to do this in public either (although he wants me to) but I do it occasionally while we are at home together. It excites him a lot and me somewhat. 

There are just so many emotional issues between us. So much hurt that I can't seem to get over. I feel like I am in a shell to protect myself around him because I never know if one joke might cut a little too close to home. He says I'm too oversensitive. 

"Marriedwifeinlove" I would LOVE to feel the way you do about your husband! But I'm so sorry that you feel he's not attracted to you. That must be terribly difficult.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"Commitment" means one does something when they don't feel like it. If people lived and loved together only when they felt loving, there would be no need for marriage, vows, ceremony, contracts, etc. I go to work every day as long as I am physically able. I don't work only when I'm happy with my boss, I feel good about myself, the stars are in perfect allignment,etc. I feed my kids and give them shelter even when they displease me. I pay my bills on time even though I'd rather spend my money elsewhere. If my wife approached me in need of physical attention, as long as I am breathing and capable, I will attend to her needs, even if I'm a little pissed off, even if I'm tired, even if she doesn't look her best. She's my wife and I agreed to assume that responsibility. I'm not willing to delegate it to someone else, so it's my beer. I don't understand the concept of withholding basic needs from someone you allegedly love. Where else in life does one get to disregard a commitment made and still survive in that relationship? I'm almost 50 and not for one day in my life have I had the luxury of only attending to those things I felt like.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Still attracted to my wife, and if i had it my way, we'd make love several times a week. I do believe myself to be a good looking man, a solid 8, but i don't think she finds me as attractive after 11 years of marriage. So she is happy if we make love once every couple weeks. Quite sad sometimes too, i feel as though a part of marriage i am missing out on. Sure she'll give in to my "assualts" of more than once a week, but it feels like more of a chore when done this way.


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

I like to keep it new but when you find a good thing it's best to keep it going, but you have to find a new thing before you wear out the other.
The first thing I'd do is EXPLORE eachother, just spend an hr kissing, licking, and looking. Find out what pleases him and have him do the same to you. Try to make it last, don't rush. Have fun!
My wife is somewhat overweight, she wasn't like that 10yrs ago but I still find her VERY sexy! So there is more to love. We are married, we have no shame, we love sex b/c we love eachother. (Ignor other posts where I tell all my problems)
Mouse


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I am terrified of my relationship turning out like this. I want to do exciting things, and am up for almost anything, if he just shows me he really wants me.

I think to be attracted to him, I need to feel he wants me really badly and just has to have me. I like him to tell me explicitly what he would like to do to me, or have me do to him. I am very attracted to confidant men, in and out of the bedroom.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Once a week wouldn't be enough for me. I need 3 times weekly to be satisfied. 
Before reading a book, remember that sex is about communication. Be honest about what would please you in bed.
I would also recommend that you see your doctor. Your low libido could be due to hormones or depression.
It could also be that since you weren't attracted to him in the first place, it's finally catching up to you. I was with a man when I was 20, whom I loved like a brother, yet found him almost revolting physically. Sex was a huge problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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