# My husband is addicted to Porn and won't have sex with me.



## Happysoul (Sep 14, 2009)

This is my first time writing in a forum...
My husband and I have been married for over five years and together nearly 8 and have two children.
My husband very rarely has sex with me and normally only when I bring up the issue that he is not being affectionate. I know he watches porn at least twice a week as the links are in the history column on our computer.
For years now I have walked in on him masturbating in the shower and know that he gets up before me in the mornings and masturbates to porn in front of the computer. 
I did not know before we got married that he was obsessed with porn as we didn't have a computer. We now have had a computer for about four years.
After about two years and sex maybe once a fortnight (If i am lucky) I noticed that his Dads sent him over the years heaps of porn. And this only makes it more supported.
I have a very high sex drive and would love sex 3 4 times a week. And he makes out that I am being over the top and invasive. To the point where I feel bad for asking. I have since stopped.
Just to add both of us were molested as young children. I was fortunate enough that my parents had me go to counselling very early on (11yrs old) my husband has never told his family and also never had counselling for this.
I would really appreciate any advice on how I can deal with this as I am feeling really down about this and am at the point of wondering if I am better off just moving on I have tried to openly and caringly discuss this with no improvement.


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## Treadingcarefully (Sep 1, 2009)

Happysoul said:


> Just to add both of us were molested as young children. I was fortunate enough that my parents had me go to counselling very early on (11yrs old) my husband has never told his family and also never had counselling for this.
> I would really appreciate any advice on how I can deal with this as I am feeling really down about this and am at the point of wondering if I am better off just moving on I have tried to openly and caringly discuss this with no improvement.


That sucks. You both got screwed up and luckily you got counselling. He needs counselling too obviously. His coping mechanism is screwing him up more.
He needs to face up to the fact that by escaping into fantasy, and masturbating to images, he is losing out on the real love affection and sex of a real person, which will help him to heal rather than prolong his addictive behaviour.
How does he react when you talk to him about it?
Has he considered counselling? Is he afraid/ashamed?


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## Happysoul (Sep 14, 2009)

Hi There,
Thank you for your reply most people don't want to touch this topic. 
It does suck and yea I can see what you mean by my husbands coping mechanism is the escapiam into fantasy.
I have addressed this with him but not for some time now. But I will be revisiting the subject before too long.
He has and we have had counselling on three occassions but he usually works away feeling perscuted by the therapist for not wanting to be with his wife. Admittedly I have never really brough up the issue of the porn as the addiction component has really only dawned on me very recently.
He is very much in denial about the impact his past has and is having on his sex life, interest in porn and the affect it is having on me.
When I speak to him he says nothing and makes out as though I am having ago at him. Yes I know I am talking to him... never yeeling just hoping for a discussion but nothing.
I am sure he is ashamed of what happened as a child as his was by another man and did not realise that this had all taken place until he was about 20 when he was no longer surpessing the abuse.
I am not sure what exactly he is afraid of... this is something I want to look into further myself. And perhaps will pursue a counsellor that specailises in the area of sexual assault.
He is seeing a therapist/ life coach at the moment however he has told me that he is really focussing on his career at the moment... bluffing his way out of it again unfortunately.
Thank you Happysoul.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

Until he gives this up he will sink deeper into this cess pool of imagination...Yours is a story of many women...It consists of loneliness and sorrow...Look into some web sites that battle this disease...Your problem being that he does not need you to make love with him...He has his imagination which he is taking with him to the shower or wherever he goes...The horrible problem of this habit is that the wife's sexual parts no longer look good to him...Instead it is the man or woman that he is looking at...There he becomes lost in his own lust...He must stop...Cold turkey....Or this will probably ruin your marriage....


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## KeepLoveAlive (Sep 7, 2009)

He does need to get some help with this. You probably know that more than anyone. And the fact his father is supporting this is incredible. Complete denial of what the problem is.

Insist he have private counseling, not marriage counseling. This is probably not something he will want to go in depth in front of you.

This will continue to be an issue unless he does something about it.


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

just an idea...what if you joined him...next time you see him tell him you want to join him but that you want to have sex also. See what he says...if he tells you no, i agree he needs to talk to someone about this habit and negecting you in the process.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Joining him won't lure him back to his wife. I've never heard of real sex as a means of getting a guy to give up porn.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

He has no want of his wife/partner joining him...He is living in the land of Oz....He wants no interruptions....He has his young harem....There is a "keep out" sign on the door....Only by walking away from this can he find real happiness....If he stumbles, she must help him up....It is a long road ahead...But, it can be accomplished....


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I can speak a little on this topic having had a 15 year porn addiction, 10 of those years in a relationship with a woman that was just as freaky as I. That was great and no problem was apparent. My current Wife would turn and run after throwing up if I tried half the stuff that I used to do with the ex. We had our own porn stash, she had her favorite stars and I had mine, we each had our sex toys, we were freak.
Although I don't think that the porn has ever been the actual problem/issue, in my life but my deviance.

I have always been a freak, the porn was just something to look at that mirrored my internal "demon(s)" and I am an artist too boot and can see images in my mind, in great detail and so my own mind was the most perverse place I enjoyed the sickness.

On the other kind of side topic to this thread.

Growing up, I had a cousin who's house I would always frequent when my Mom was working. This boy cousin of mine was two years older than me and we grew up together.
I remember my Mom always warning me not to let anyone touch me in my privates and if they do to tell her and I always thought that she was just tripping over nothing.
I had never felt in any danger of that and I thought my Mom is sick for thinking that kind of stuff.
I do remember an uncle, (the Dad of that cousin of mine) that ended up coming out later that he was a molester, letting me climb up on his bed, I was very little like 3 or 4 or so, can't remember but I could talk already, and my Aunt coming in right away and taking me out of the room and sitting me in the living room to watch tv. 

No molestation actually happened "that I can remember" and at the time I didn't think much of that memory other than me liking to climb things and a nice uncle that took the time to even play with me.

Later it came out that he had been molesting a step daughter of his with my Aunt and an adoptive daughter of that same Aunt. She knew about it and he had a kid with her daughter that they ended up raising as their own. 

This kind of thing apparently does happen more often than the news reports it, or families talk about it.

Anyway, I ended up being a sexual deviant, porn addict and I don't have "having been molested" as an excuse, although apparently I came close. I think some of us are just more sexual than others for reasons unknown.
If I had to blame something, I would have to blame the fact that my Mother used to hound me all the time about not looking at listening to or even thinking of inappropriate material. Being pentecostal that's a long list of stuff, so my interest in all things sexual at a young age was that analogy of the cookie jar. 

Just talk about it with him, what you see as a problem is simply him enjoying himself, indulging his sexual fantasies. 

I agree with the person that said that he does not need a partner in it but I disagree i think with that same poster in that this is an issue that he needs to walk away from in order to be truly happy. I have toned down my sexual exploits since my new Wife is a total prude but I still have the perversions in my head and like to surf porn sites to satisfy those desires.

Not harming anyone, plus if he does not wish to have sex, he doesn't have to. Not just women can stop having sex with their mate and be well within her rights. Women have emotional issues and stop having sex with their husbands and almost everyone cheers them, you go girl. 

Men should have the same freedom.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

carmaenforcer said:


> I can speak a little on this topic having had a 15 year porn addiction, 10 of those years in a relationship with a woman that was just as freaky as I. That was great and no problem was apparent. My current Wife would turn and run after throwing up if I tried half the stuff that I used to do with the ex. We had our own porn stash, she had her favorite stars and I had mine, we each had our sex toys, we were freak.
> Although I don't think that the porn has ever been the actual problem/issue, in my life but my deviance.
> 
> I have always been a freak, the porn was just something to look at that mirrored my internal "demon(s)" and I am an artist too boot and can see images in my mind, in great detail and so my own mind was the most perverse place I enjoyed the sickness.
> ...


Seeing I am probably the nameless woman who said this: Excuses are made to suit the person with this habit...Why would you marry a woman who is a prude having such a high sexuality as you do?..The person who walks away won't be truly happy as he is in sexual heat with his nude harem that he sees... However, with work he can find it...It is a terrible habit...His Upper....His Wife's downer.... 

On your statement that "Man should have the same freedom"????.... Come on..Poor excuse...And what does a man gain for playing sex with a computer?....That is besides the possible loss of his erectile powers in life?...When you become your own greatest lover, how can women duplicate this?...You become a quick draw artist in bed with your partner...That is if you are able to get it up....She better not ask for foreplay as you can't last that long as your mind is on the hot babe on the computer....Hey guy, I know life...Sexual Dysfunction among men is now epidemic....I know, I used to Mod that Forum among many others...Wife's crying and husbands begging for help....And believe me I have helped a couple of them...Told them how to find it again....I will not argue this point...I will simply state my views.....In the long run, who wins and who loses...


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## Relationshipexpert (Sep 4, 2009)

Just do one thing copy him in his activities.You also start watching porn with him.Let him feel the pinch that you used to feel till now.I hope this will do a little bit.Tit For Tat!!


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

carmaenforcer said:


> I can speak a little on this topic having had a 15 year porn addiction, 10 of those years in a relationship with a woman that was just as freaky as I. That was great and no problem was apparent. My current Wife would turn and run after throwing up if I tried half the stuff that I used to do with the ex. We had our own porn stash, she had her favorite stars and I had mine, we each had our sex toys, we were freak.
> Although I don't think that the porn has ever been the actual problem/issue, in my life but my deviance.
> 
> I have always been a freak, the porn was just something to look at that mirrored my internal "demon(s)" and I am an artist too boot and can see images in my mind, in great detail and so my own mind was the most perverse place I enjoyed the sickness.
> ...


Exactly sombody like you,carmaenforcer, could have safed all this tipping...Your whole dialogue is just, I don't know how to describe it! YOU are still an addicted and yes YOU need help as well! nomatter if molested or not! 

Yes, it is true, she needs to walk away from ALL that and so her husband in first place!!!!
Porn is an evil thing!!!!!! here so you can see where you're at!

Free info about porn and sexual addictions. and please click on "Why it's harmful"
actually you should read the whole thing!!!

but back to you Happy Soul! He needs to stop that!!! And please don't ever try to join him! When I read stuff like that I get angry! Is he having Sex with you when you want it? NO, so why in the world should you support something stuff like that and than I can just repeat it is an very very EVIL thing!!!
Honey, I'm going through the same. The thing is that I realised early that that was NOWAY how to continue a marriage. Now it's up to my hubby! And nobody else. I can't force him!

But be strong! You should try to read some of those things too the link I posted obove. It will make you understand more about porn. Now it's your turn to study as much as you can about it. So you will learn how to deal with you husband, the correct way (I'm glad you did not yell at him, I cryed, yelled, said it in a nice way , every kind of way.) And it describes at lot more things that are very helpful!!!!

But at the end he has to be the one that has to see his mistake. But by his father supporting this kind of crap it's making anything better!

I feel with you! I pray for you and your husband!!!!!

God bless you!


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

Relationshipexpert said:


> Just do one thing copy him in his activities.You also start watching porn with him.Let him feel the pinch that you used to feel till now.I hope this will do a little bit.Tit For Tat!!


what for an expert! Just to tell you! Evil on Evil is going to crash in each other!!!!!!!!! That what is going to happen it's just that she is going to get addicted too someday!!!!

you have to fight the Evil with the Good!!!!!!!! Hate with Love!!!!! 

remember that !!!!!!!


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

Porn is not evil, people who judge people because their morals conflict are evil.

*Happysoul*

When you addressed this issue with him in the past, what was his side of the argument/discussion?

Us men are just more sexually driven (in general) that most women. Like I said before, I was with one of those women that was just as sexually freaky as I was and she loved porn, she never cheated on me or had an issue with the freakiest of my sexual exploits. Lord Satan, I miss her.

But anyway, there is nothing wrong with your man, he is a normal human male and is just trying to explore his sexuality, whatever that may be, it's not up to you or anyone else.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Carma, you're one messed up person. Your choices, your excuses, your blame. Nobody is cheering on a woman who stops having sex with her husband for no reason and you know it. 

This man the original poster is talking about is NOT a normal man. He's a shade of a man. He had a lot of nerve marrying if this is the way he is goign to be... just like your wife.

I think you'd do anything to defend men at this point, whether it makes sense or not. Why don't you join a movement and surround yourself with other bitter people?


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*dobo*


> Carma, you're one messed up person.


This coming from the person who's top reply is 
"just get a divorce" not just to myself but to a bunch of people posting problems that you don't agree with.

Yeah, let me listen to you.

You and other people here trying to spit enlightenment, haven't developed strong biased options on relationships in general from your past experiences.
I am not defending the man so much in this case, because, we haven't even heard his side of it or his response as to why he's doing what he's doing, as I am defending the porn. 
Men will be perverse and have been since the dawn of man, way before porn, men have been screwing sheep out in the wilderness, molesting their own children and cheating on their Wife's since before written language. 
Porn is not the problem and this guy does not have a problem because he'd rather masturbate than have to deal with his Wife.

I would love to have normal sex with my Wife when ever she'd ask for it, and I do whenever she asks for it, as long as she needs it to last and without a problem getting it up, and I've seen a lot of porn in my lifetime.

What does make me prefer the internet or porn women is not that they are hotter than my Wife (whom is HOT physically) 
or that my hand feels better than my Wife's private parts, but that I don't have to worry about my hands feelings or jump through hoops to get sex from my porn women, nor do I have to cuttle after of talk about my feelings.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I am torn on this. I understand both sides but I think carma is thinkint with sex and no emotional attachment. I think anybody who was attached to a women wouldn't need to jump through hoops to have sex. He should want to because he wants her happy. Yet my wife and I used porn as fun not replacement. I still say I would rather have sex with wife over my hand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

carmaenforcer said:


> Porn is not evil, people who judge people because their morals conflict are evil.


I didn't know that porn is a person!

Porn = Adultery = Sin = Evil


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## MBuck26 (Sep 13, 2009)

carmaenforcer said:


> *dobo*
> 
> 
> This coming from the person who's top reply is
> ...


This is always interesting to see people come on this site for help, and to state their advice but you have individuals like dobo and the Likes . that call names and encourage counseling ..Lmao... this guy makes a point ..If looking at naked women is a problem ..then everyone in a hospital watching a baby girl being born has a problem (call it what it is ), we are brought into this world naked ,that should tell you that God condoned nakedness, then why dont we ?? Masturbating is one of those things you do, Not because your not atracted to your wife or you wanna deprive her. sometimes its just a Lazy thing ..I have Masturbated in the shower in the morning to avoid waking my wife for sex, also I enjoy mastubating at times because I no Longer have to bounce and pounce for a half Hour Pleasing the other party..Selfishly I just want mine right now..and at time my wife is on the rag and I am Horny ..What would you rather your Husband watch porn or Go and make Porn with other women ? my Wife Condones me watching porn, and checkin out other women ,9though i do not exercise this right often) she has come to Love me as me and doesnt Look to change me but accepts me as I came .. If God can Look down on all of our faults, ugly deeds and hidden trapping within our heart. Why do we have such a problem with it ..?? and his Love continues ..We dont wanna Really Love people we wanna change them to fit what we want and then we will Love them ..Thats not true Love ..if True Love is unconditional , and You Love your spouse what is the problem with the Condition? Love should outwiegh the current condition and compel you to overlook it and continue in Love ..God never Forced anyone to change, He gave us choice and free will and stepped back and let us take our own course and decisions, why is this so hard for us ..STOP TRYING TO CHANGE PEOPLE . its not your job ..you didnt create this person and you sure as hell cant give them purpose ..

and another thing .Name calling and telling people they are screwed up , and need counseling . isnt helping eithier ..you wanna help people then Break the chains and yokes that they are entangled in ..I bet that you cant,(if we had the power to deliver these people this forum wouldnt exist) instead all you people will do is refer them to someone else . .counselers cant help you anymore than Dr.phil can ..what they will do is however is cramm your head full of guilt that you are not doing something you should, when in all reality they have no idea what you should be doing in the first place ..If what we were taught marriage is supposed to be is true ..then why is there resistance ?? if there are things in your life creating resistance is it possible that you are trying to make something fit that doesnt belong , or making something out to be what it isnt ?? just a thought. ..


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## MBuck26 (Sep 13, 2009)

:iagreeodo seems Like a scorn Lover ..Bitter and leaky like a runny faucet ..


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

Hater Hater said:


> I also enjoy masturbating instead of having sex with my Wife because I also don't feel like pleasuring her sometimes and just want to get mine without all the work.


:scratchhead: you are selfish!! but at least you are honest!



Hater Hater said:


> God, is the only person that can ask anyone to change who they are, but most women do try to change their men huh


:iagree:


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

Hater Hater said:


> *italiana86*
> 
> Thank you, I can see from you past posts that you have a much more conservative and restricted idea of sexuality than I do but I also admire and encourage your honesty too.
> 
> People should be able to have their own opinions and be able to respect others for doing the complete opposite without judging them for it, even if we completely disagree.


:iagree: but you should try at least not be that selfish 
I don't know your wife and what she has done to "deserve" it, maybe she does not, but everyday can be our last so we should be aware of how we act and specially with people that we love!

God bless you


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## MBuck26 (Sep 13, 2009)

Selfishness is GOOD you should try it its easy ..you simply eliminate any thought or consideration for the other party's feelings or emotions . and breathe--wooosaaahh---PEACE ...at its epiphany...lmao...j/k


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## zengoddess (Sep 20, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> I am torn on this. I understand both sides but I think carma is thinkint with sex and no emotional attachment. I think anybody who was attached to a women wouldn't need to jump through hoops to have sex. He should want to because he wants her happy. Yet my wife and I used porn as fun not replacement. I still say I would rather have sex with wife over my hand.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sadly, my husband preferred his hand and his porn/cyber gals to me.


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

zengoddess said:


> Sadly, my husband preferred his hand and his porn/cyber gals to me.


I'm sorry to hear that!!!

But so you know he is addicted when he acts that way!

NO man or woman should prefer porn over their spouses or girl/boyfriends !!! if it gets to this point it gets really frustrating and sad at the same time!!!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

CF, I honestly don't see in what you wrote that you or your ex were in any way deviant--using porn and toys in a good sexual partnership isn't deviant! Maybe there was something about the way you used them or the types of porn you watched that you consider deviant, but that wasn't stated.

As for the OP: yes, if the porn is interfering with the marriage, he has an addiction that is unhealthy. If he used porn only when you weren't in the mood for sex, or masturbated at such times, fine. But turning to porn and rejecting you when you do want sex (and he wants it, too, just not with you) is hugely problematic. 

And to whomever says it is "selfish" to masturbate: of course it is! That's the whole point! Sometimes a person wants the release of orgasm without wanting/needing the emotional connectedness of sex. Sometimes the partner isn't available or willing. The only time masturbation is a problem is when one uses it DESPITE a ready and willing partner. No person in a good marriage will choose sex alone over sex with someone he/she loves when it is a good time for both. Most marriage counselors encourage masturbation in the more highly-sexed partner when there is a significant difference in sex-drive. 

And I think it is very thoughtful to use masturbation to let one's spouse sleep in if you feel she wants sleep more than sex. You can always make it up later if you find out you made the wrong call!

Edit: I meant to write, also, that any time a person is choosing masturbation OVER a willing/available partner, it isn't the masturbation that is the problem; that's just the symptom. The question then becomes, why don't you want to have sex w/ your partner? Why do you prefer hand over him/her? The answer may have little to do with sex and a lot to with deeper issues in the marriage.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Sister I agree 100%.. Sex with husband and wife is emotional. If you choose not to have sex with your spouse over yourself you are 2 things. First selfish and second emotionally unattached any more.. Might as well not be together so you can find a person to be connected to.. I agree Masturbation is ok and porn is also but not if you have a willing partner. As I said before I would NEVER masturbate over my wife. I enjoy making love to her and try to please her any way I can. It's not work it's fun. Those who think it's work isn't in love with their spouse. Sorry but it's true. It's a gift we all should be using. Wake up guys stop being selfish...


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

Loving Husband said:


> Sister I agree 100%.. Sex with husband and wife is emotional. If you choose not to have sex with your spouse over yourself you are 2 things. First selfish and second emotionally unattached any more.. Might as well not be together so you can find a person to be connected to.. I agree Masturbation is ok and porn is also but not if you have a willing partner. As I said before I would NEVER masturbate over my wife. I enjoy making love to her and try to please her any way I can. It's not work it's fun. Those who think it's work isn't in love with their spouse. Sorry but it's true. It's a gift we all should be using. Wake up guys stop being selfish...


yes and you are totally right, even thou porn is a sin, if husbands do those things only if their wives are not "available" this is something different, it hurts for a wife too, but at least he does choose this over his wife! But when it gets to the point that he choose this over his wife this is a addiction!!!! and they need help!!!! I read so many things about that, that people that are trying to tell others that porn is here not the problem are or addicted themselves or really do NOT know what they are talking about!!!
sorry I'm not trying to offened anybody.


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## EmotionallyDeepInThought (Oct 28, 2011)

Loving Husband said:


> Sister I agree 100%.. Sex with husband and wife is emotional. If you choose not to have sex with your spouse over yourself you are 2 things. First selfish and second emotionally unattached any more.. Might as well not be together so you can find a person to be connected to.. I agree Masturbation is ok and porn is also but not if you have a willing partner. As I said before I would NEVER masturbate over my wife. I enjoy making love to her and try to please her any way I can. It's not work it's fun. Those who think it's work isn't in love with their spouse. Sorry but it's true. It's a gift we all should be using. Wake up guys stop being selfish...


Thankyou Loving Husband for such simple yet effective words. I think a lot of women feel the same way as you do. Porn and masturbation should only be ok when you have an unwilling partner. Sex is not the only important thing in a marriage, but it certainly plays a very important role in it. My husband is starting to watch porn more and more everyday and I'm always willing to give it to him. Even if it means me popping out of the office during a lunch break. I have approached him about it, but he says that I want it all the time. I have a high sex drive and I stopped asking for it so much in return for quality. So far STARFISH is the best way to describe him when it comes to love making. To him, making love to me is now a chore. He claims that he is tired all the time, yes...I believe he is being selfish when he would rather have sex his hand than me...if anyone else out there is having the same problems, I suggest that you do what I did and start getting quotes for counselling. I guess you will find out whether they really love you if they are willing to look into the problem and try to fix things. Loving Husband, I wish every man was like you and could see that sex between husband and wife should not be a selfish thing...rather a beautiful act called LOVE.


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## anony_ (Nov 6, 2011)

Make a video of him masturbating, and release it on some website where his colleagues can see it, but people would then say that you can't satisfy him... :rofl:


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## beast (Aug 4, 2012)

Happysoul said:


> This is my first time writing in a forum...
> My husband and I have been married for over five years and together nearly 8 and have two children.
> My husband very rarely has sex with me and normally only when I bring up the issue that he is not being affectionate. I know he watches porn at least twice a week as the links are in the history column on our computer.
> For years now I have walked in on him masturbating in the shower and know that he gets up before me in the mornings and masturbates to porn in front of the computer.
> ...


If this is a big problem for you, then yes you should move on. He will never stop because he is a man. Its just what men do. Good luck in finding a man who doesnt look at porn or masturbate. I think I saw one in the old folks home yesterday.


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## beast (Aug 4, 2012)

Happysoul said:


> Hi There,
> Thank you for your reply most people don't want to touch this topic.
> It does suck and yea I can see what you mean by my husbands coping mechanism is the escapiam into fantasy.
> I have addressed this with him but not for some time now. But I will be revisiting the subject before too long.
> ...


Also, stop trying to psycho analyze him or he will leave you for sure.


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## chasing_rainbows (Apr 3, 2012)

beast said:


> Also, stop trying to psycho analyze him or he will leave you for sure.


bitter troll


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Are you both Christians? There is a Christian movie about marriage called "Fireproof" and the husband in the movie has a porn addiction.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

THis thread is 3 years old.


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