# Road Rage/Anger Issues



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Yesterday, I had to follow my H in rush hour traffic and he took me down a back road which gets highly congested and backed up. We were at a T-section and the other traffic was letting each car in intermittingly. My H is about 3 cars in front of me and he wedged his way out in front of a car that wasn’t going to let a car come out, for whatever reason. The woman in the car apparently was frustrated that he just helped himself to getting in the traffic, so he says she honked her horn at hime. He threw his car in park and jumped out telling her that every other vehicle is suppose to allow a car out. At this point, the woman just left her window up and ignored him and the light turned and everyone started going. 

I was livid with him for two reasons – He had our toddler son in the car and who is he to tell someone else how to drive? He could’ve easily waited on the next vehicle to let him out, but he butted in and then proceeded to get mad at the woman for not letting him in.

I’m getting at my wits end with his anger issues. We argued about it last night and he didn’t see anything wrong with what he did. Am I overreacting? He has anger issues and he’s been working on them, but this week alone he’s almost gotten in a verbal altercation with another driver twice. I don’t know what happened in the first incident now, because I feel this incident was completely unavoidable and he was just being a bully to this woman.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow, I'd be scared he's going to get himself shot or something.

A few years ago I gave my hubby an ultimatum to either go to anger management or I was leaving. He went, grudgingly, and claimed it was a waste of time, but I think at least some of the stuff soaked into his brain.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Your husband needs some help for this. It won't go away on it's own.

Exercise helps some men, if he's not getting enough.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Cherry, your stories always worry me. I really hope that your husband can learn to deal with his issues. He is way out of line, and needs to figure out how to calm down.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I don't think it's over reacting.

stbx would seriously have me praying for my life when he drove places. he'd get angry, start swerving behind a car, yelling, make unsafe passes, it was just scary.

My road rage is limited to screaming angrily at the speed limit. I get really vulgar, and wait until I can get away from whatever driver is bothering me safely, without risking my life, someone elses life, or my car.

With your toddler with him, his behavior is even less excusable. acting like that is just putting the toddlers life in danger. we've had at least 2 deaths in the last 2 years related to road rage, one of them the guy was chased down and smashed into until he was forced off the road, and died.

those are the only two publicized road rage deaths from the past 2 years, but still. it's never really worth that.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

lovesherman said:


> Cherry, your stories always worry me. I really hope that your husband can learn to deal with his issues. He is way out of line, and needs to figure out how to calm down.


I'm really beginning to wonder if I even want to stay in this marriage much longer. I've been thinking about it a lot since it happened and it's really unfortunate that he is like this. It brings back strong memories of his anger and his violence towards me, not conducive to repairing our marriage. It's pushing me to the edge, I told him that too. It's like he doesn't give a crap about anything when he has one of his adult temper tantrums. 

Hope - I mentioned to him that I'm going to give this six more months to re-evaluate where his anger issues are, but what he doesn't seem to understand is that it's things like this incident that really wears on my attraction to him and my commitment to this marriage. I feel like I have a foot that is inching towards the door out of this marriage. It's scary but he is pushing me out of love with him and quickly this time around. It upsets me tremendously.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Cherry said:


> It's like he doesn't give a crap about anything when he has one of his adult temper tantrums.


That's because his mind is completely shut down logically... all that's going through his brain and veins is pure rage.

I'm sure he realizes when he gets himself into a state like that, but he's unable to stop it. The anger just becomes all consuming. That's why he needs help to give him tools to deal with identifying when he's about to trigger and to learn how to redirect that feeling before he gets into a full blown huff. It happens so quickly though, so he has little time between when the tantrum begins to develop in his mind + heart and when it gets expressed (and is all the more difficult to stop).


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

The biggest problem is that he doesn’t think he’s got a problem. Until he believes he has a problem he wont do a thing about his anger.


So somehow you’ve to get him to see his problem. You have to get him to see it.

A good way is to carry a VAR with you at all times. Then if you record an angry session you can play it back to him in the hope that he can “see himself”.

Better yet would be to video him “in action”. When a person is angry they have like a temporary insanity. In that they are no longer in control of themselves and their focus shuts right down onto what it is they’re angry about. In this state they are truly unaware of the sound of their voice, the expression on their face or their posture.

They just don’t know how scary they are. It would be really good if you could demonstrate that to him either with a VAR or video.


If you do it, let him know what you are doing and why you are doing it.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Browncoat said:


> That's because his mind is completely shut down logically... all that's going through his brain and veins is pure rage.
> 
> I'm sure he realizes when he gets himself into a state like that, but he's unable to stop it. The anger just becomes all consuming. That's why he needs help to give him tools to deal with identifying when he's about to trigger and to learn how to redirect that feeling before he gets into a full blown huff. It happens so quickly though, so he has little time between when the tantrum begins to develop in his mind + heart and when it gets expressed (and is all the more difficult to stop).


Ugh... If he even saw a problem with what he did  which he claims he doesn't. He claims the woman should've known how to drive on that roadway.... That she should've known to let every other car in from that T-section. And apparently he felt it was his job to inform her, regardless of the dangers of the situation.

I was hoping the woman would've called the cops to report him for aggression, she was behind him long enough to get his plate number and I would've sided with the woman in a heartbeat.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I can relate to this, oh boy!

my H had a physical fight with three men in the middle of a three lane carriageway when the lights were red once. If it wasn't for the fact that he was bigger than all three of them put together and help started appearing from cars all around us I dread to think what would have happened. They had done something really dangerous and stupid but he thought nothing of jumping out and having a go at them

it was the only time I put my foot down about his anger and told him if he ever did that again whilst I was in the car I'd leave. It was still quite early in our relationship and he was beyond apologetic. God I still shudder to think about it

but exactly the same as yours, when he was having a tantrum nothing else mattered


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Cherry said:


> Ugh... If he even saw a problem with what he did  which he claims he doesn't.


Wow, is he really that blind or does he not like to admit faults in himself?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Guilty. I'm getting better (I hope), but there were times when I've lost it in traffic.

Even if I wound up doing it again, at least I had the sense to be ashamed of myself.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Browncoat said:


> Wow, is he really that blind or does he not like to admit faults in himself?


He doesn't readily admit his faults. I explained to him that it wasn't normal behavior, what he did. He said he didn't care whether it was normal or not, he felt the "dumb b!tch" needed to know how to drive, so he attempted to tell her. I asked him how he would've reacted if I told him or he saw someone do that to me... he couldn't answer that question.

I don't know anymore.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

GTdad said:


> Guilty. I'm getting better (I hope), but there were times when I've lost it in traffic.
> 
> Even if I wound up doing it again, at least I had the sense to be ashamed of myself.


Texas I see  H is from Texas, is it a state thing?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Perhaps you should ask him what is more important:

always being right
or
saving the marriage

If it's the former he needs to get help and be willing to swallow his pride enough to admit that he, like everyone else, makes mistakes or blow things out of proportion.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Texas I see  H is from Texas, is it a state thing?


Judging from my old commuting days in Houston, I'd have to say yeah, maybe so.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Perhaps you should ask him what is more important:
> 
> always being right
> or
> ...


This sounds great. 

If he only made the connection that his actions AFFECT his marriage negatively. There he has the disconnect. His behavior is in a vacuum (in his mind)... just him going along with his day. It only involves him, not his wife.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Wow. The most I have done is make a smart ass comment. Some one cut me off and they happened to be going to the same store I was. I walked up to them and asked them what kind of car they were driving....they said Honda and I said " I'll know not to buy one, apparently they don't come with f^cking turn signals". It's so not worth getting into a physical confrontation over. ( although 15 yrs ago I might have)


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

GTdad said:


> Judging from my old commuting days in Houston, I'd have to say yeah, maybe so.


Same city even


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Same city even


What do you want to do about dinner tonight, babe?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

A Bit Much said:


> This sounds great.
> 
> If he only made the connection that his actions AFFECT his marriage negatively. There he has the disconnect. His behavior is in a vacuum (in his mind)... just him going along with his day. It only involves him, not his wife.


Or his child sitting in the back seat, who idolizes him and mimics much of his daddy's behavior. He's teaching aggression.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Or his child sitting in the back seat, who idolizes him and mimics much of his daddy's behavior. He's teaching aggression.


So true.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Or his child sitting in the back seat, who idolizes him and mimics much of his daddy's behavior. He's teaching aggression.


Yes of course. Anyone within eyeshot (and earshot) can see how much of an ass he is. HE just doesn't see it in himself.. or he does but not enough to make any real efforts to change his behavior. Everyone around him is expected to adjust to him, not the other way around.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

GTdad said:


> What do you want to do about dinner tonight, babe?


You scared me! lol, I looked at your profile to make sure


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He doesn't readily admit his faults. I explained to him that it wasn't normal behavior, what he did. He said he didn't care whether it was normal or not, he felt the "dumb b!tch" needed to know how to drive


I would have told him how ugly he was. Ugly and unattractive. What's on the inside is coming out and to not have any thought to how his actions affect others is scary as hell. It's pure psycho behavior. 

He's going to run up on the wrong person... It was threatening. I would have been on the phone the minute he jumped out of that car.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Cherry. Do you think he would have done the same if it was a large man driving? Did he just see what he considered to be easy prey?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Cherry. Do you think he would have done the same if it was a large man driving? Did he just see what he considered to be easy prey?


I so thought this too.

My husband is 6' 6" and 285lbs. Bet he would have stayed his ass in the car with that.

ETA: and he's a police officer. He would have gotten out of his car too once he saw someone coming up on him.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I so thought this too.
> 
> My husband is 6' 6" and 285lbs. Bet he would have stayed his ass in the car with that.


I know I would.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> I know I would.


:rofl:

People like to stay out of my husbands way because of his size. The fact that he's a cop is even more intimidating. With his equipment on he's 300lbs. And he can run pretty fast with all that on too, so yeah.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

You know you've read entirely too many children's books when their stories come to mind out of the blue. But LOL here goes, Cherry your husband needs to read this book to your child:

List of Berenstain Bears books - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The bit at the end where poppa gets out of his car angry after an accident only to have a much larger bear appear... well your husband needs the same lesson on manners.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

A Bit Much said:


> I would have told him how ugly he was. Ugly and unattractive. What's on the inside is coming out and to not have any thought to how his actions affect others is scary as hell. It's pure psycho behavior.
> 
> He's going to run up on the wrong person... It was threatening. I would have been on the phone the minute he jumped out of that car.


Those were my exact words to him, it was ugly and unattractive. I asked him if it had been a man, would he have done the same thing... He said yes. I then asked him what would've happened if the dude had a bad day and a gun? He said so be it, we all gotta die one day. I don't get this attitude. All this because a driver wouldn't voluntarily let him in... He could've waited for the next car to let him in! Simple as that.

I explained to him that if he didn't find anything wrong with what he did or how he reacted, then it's up to me to decide how to take that information. Basically letting him know that I need to really consider my next steps in our marriage very carefully. I left the conversation at that. I just don't know anymore.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You're right about that... it is up to you to decide how to take it. He's going to do what he's going to do, regardless of how you feel or how it hurts you.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

cherry, between this and the anger he has directed at you, im afraid i fear for you


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Cherry said:


> He threw his car in park and jumped out telling her that every other vehicle is suppose to allow a car out. At this point, the woman just left her window up and ignored him and the light turned and everyone started going.


This is borderline assault depending on your jurisdiction. Hopefully you can help you husband realize he has a real problem and support him in getting help


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This is borderline assault depending on your jurisdiction. Hopefully you can help you husband realize he has a real problem and support him in getting help


Yes, in our county, it is considered assault and I was hoping the woman would call the cops...seriously. He does need help and he is no longer able to hurt me or scare me, I WILL call the cops on him and he will go to jail. I'm afraid he is starting to lash out else where... I don't know what's going on anymore. I'm thinking hard on this one, after everything else in our marriage.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

My ex was the same way & it really scared me when he did this with our newborn baby in the car. He is still like this and now my sons make the same comments when they are driving about other drivers, but they have different personalities so don't go overboard and get out of the car, but it still bothers me that they think it's cool to be annoyed like their dad  It is baffling that age doesn't bring on some sort of mellowing out with this sort of thing.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

swedish said:


> My ex was the same way & it really scared me when he did this with our newborn baby in the car. He is still like this and now my sons make the same comments when they are driving about other drivers, but they have different personalities so don't go overboard and get out of the car, but it still bothers me that they think it's cool to be annoyed like their dad  It is baffling that age doesn't bring on some sort of mellowing out with this sort of thing.


My H and I had a conversation not a week ago about getting older and setting good examples for our children.

One thing I wonder about with my H (and I should probably check out some Alonon meetings) is if the age old saying about someone's maturity level stopping at the age they began their active addiction. Because seriously this marriage experience has been like raising a teenager. He has been in some sort of active addiction since age 15, he has grown up since that time in jail/prison. I think the longest stretch of his life where he's been clean or out of jail has been with me, and that didn't start until nearly a year into our marriage. We celebrated him getting out of jail on our one year anniversary. I didn't know the extent of his criminal history until our divorce the discovery process. It all revolved around drugs (cocaine/crack). 

Bottom line, my H grew up in a very abusive household (his father), became an addict who spent his entire grown up years on crack cocaine and in and out of the jail/prison system for various misdemeanor/felony charges. He is a statistic. And I have twins with a statistic.

Given this I guess I married the emotional equivalent of 15 year old? 

What the he!! can I do with this, besides screen my one-night stands better in the future?

And to think I'm college educated, come from a well to do family, but on some levels equally dysfunctional growing up and when we met I was in other ways not any better than him. So he's been beneficial on some levels of my own personal growth, him and my beautiful babies he helped produce. He's been a good father to his kids, and he's been working on being better, but this is the very fvcking thing that scares me! Is he entitled to this "one mistake" like he called it? I don't know jerk, you've been entitled to at least 10 pretty big mistakes during the first 4 years of this marriage. Fvck.

I think too much.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Cherry said:


> I think too much.


Doesn't sound like it to me.

You are really the best judge of what to do in any given situation. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Input from others is fine and can give perspective... In the end you need to keep thinking, keep reevaluating the situation and come to your own conclusions on what's best for you and your baby.

Don't be afraid to take time for yourself to be alone in a quiet place to really mull things over. I find often times when I need to think going to a coffee shop alone, or a nature hike helps me gain clarity. I also like to write things down to help get them out of my mind and release them, but I believe I wrote about that earlier here....

You've got a lot going on in your life, and while things are perhaps fine atm... it sounds like things can change in an instant given the volatility of your husband's character/anger.

So no... you are certainly not thinking too much imo. You are doing what you need to do to make some very big decisions in your life and the life of your child.

Unfortunately too your husband won't/can't see the situation for what it is, as he demonstrates when he says that he's made just one mistake. Just don't let that bother you when he gets the "score" wrong... expect him to get it wrong. It will help you not get so angry each time he miscounts his mistakes.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Another problem with road rage is that you never know whether you'll end up running into your 'victims' again...

Many years ago, I was once the target of someone's road rage. Actually the mistake was mine, but it was totally unintended by me and not that much of an issue. Yet this guy in a truck gets upset and flies off the handle, following me into a gas station, getting out of his truck and cursing and calling me names, and being totally inappropriate. I told him I was sorry, but he was still really rude.

A few weeks later, I am working on a project with a team, as we were then undergraduate students volunteering our time to help non-profit organizations. I was the project leader. We go to this woman's house as she's working on a non-profit to provide social services to help teenage mothers, and her home was her office. She was a nice lady, and we were happy to help her with her business plan. However, about half an hour into our visit, her husband comes home.... and I realize he is the same trucker guy who had road rage with me a few weeks prior! My blood goes cold, as I'm standing in HIS house (and don't know if he has a shotgun). I see him walking around in his kitchen, though I don't think he's recognized me yet, and I quickly tell the next person in charge on my team that I have to leave, and I dash out to my car and get the heck out of their house. It was very scary. I never mentioned anything to the woman about her husband, as she was a nice person and probably would have been mortified to know her husband behaved like that to someone who knows her. I am sure she does realize her husband has anger problems though.

I think when people are angry they just fly off into a range without thinking of the possible consequences.

Edit: I wonder if it would have been better for the husband to have seen me there and realized himself how ridiculous his behavior was, and maybe that would have made him not get into such a road rage next time. On the other hand, I was too scared and just escaped the situation for my own benefit.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Cherry said:


> One thing I wonder about with my H (and I should probably check out some Alonon meetings) is if the age old saying about someone's maturity level stopping at the age they began their active addiction. Because seriously this marriage experience has been like raising a teenager.


I've heard that too....my ex was a beer drinker/pot smoker but I am not sure if that was hard-core enough to be related but I definitely felt like he stopped maturing when we met (at 17)...in either case, I think we all have choices whether we let our childhood and past dictate our current and future behavior. Bottom line is he has to want to change in order for him to change and it doesn't sound as if he wants it bad enough at this point.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism...I naturally have an athletic build but since this diagnosis I started putting on weight...to combat that, I started running 5Ks and trained/ran a 1/2 marathon...just to MAINTAIN my weight! So understanding I will never have it like someone with a high metabolism, if I want it I will need to work much harder and not whine about how life is so unfair...we all have our struggles 

Anyway, I think that was a rant to your h and my ex-h but I don't think you think too much...I can imagine how frustrated you must feel at times


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

rks1 said:


> Edit: I wonder if it would have been better for the husband to have seen me there and realized himself how ridiculous his behavior was, and maybe that would have made him not get into such a road rage next time. On the other hand, I was too scared and just escaped the situation for my own benefit.


I was hoping to hear this ending (see him cringe) but you definitely made the right call ... too unpredictable to call the outcome on that one!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

swedish said:


> I was hoping to hear this ending (see him cringe) but you definitely made the right call ... too unpredictable to call the outcome on that one!


My wife was also the victim of a road rage incident a couple of years ago. It still angers me to think about how this guy treated her. It was during an ice storm, and my wife was unable to stop her car, so it tapped his bumper. Didn't even leave a mark. Her first call was to me, and the second was to the police, but the guy was trying to get her to get out of her car so he could give her "a proper talking to". It terrified her. I work nearby, and arrived just before the police. I said some things that I shouldn't but the police was so angered by the guys reaction that he just asked us to leave while he dealt with the guy.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Halien said:


> My wife was also the victim of a road rage incident a couple of years ago. It still angers me to think about how this guy treated her. It was during an ice storm, and my wife was unable to stop her car, so it tapped his bumper. Didn't even leave a mark. Her first call was to me, and the second was to the police, but the guy was trying to get her to get out of her car so he could give her "a proper talking to". It terrified her. I work nearby, and arrived just before the police. I said some things that I shouldn't but the police was so angered by the guys reaction that he just asked us to leave while he dealt with the guy.


Glad that ended well. When I was in my 20's I had a similar incident where a guy tried to cut in front of me and I did not let him in so he followed me home from work...I was nearing my apartment and did not want him to know where I lived so I went to the police station instead. When he saw me pull in, he did not follow


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