# I think I’m in love with my ex-wife again



## matador

Jumping right into it.

I have been slowly reconnecting with my ex-wife over the past 1.5 year, but mostly over the past 8 months (when things became physical). The reconnection is something that we have taken very slowly and casually. Our teenaged kids know, but that was unplanned (one saw a kiss and told the other), if I had my way they wouldn’t know. Most friends and family do not know. My ex has been wanting to move a bit faster than I’ve allowed. I’m not saying she expects to be married, living together again and popping out another kid, but she doesn’t want to be casually dating, in secret, rarely spending the night together, with no title higher than a **** buddy.

I didn’t plan on developing new feelings for my ex. We started reconnecting very slowly and platonically after she separated from her 2nd husband, and became physical about a year later. The sex was supposed to be no strings attached, for me at least. I didn’t think there was a chance in hell that I would ever take her back or call her my wife again. 

I love her. I think some part of me always has. We married young (22/25), immediately had two kids back to back, were separated by 25/27 and divorced after the mandatory separation period. We both contributed to the failure of the marriage. Her actions weigh more heavily, but mine caused the ripple effect that led the demise. We have been divorced nearly 10 years, she was married to another man for most of that time. She left our marriage for that man after having an emotional affair. I blame myself for that because A) She spent months, maybe a year, trying to fix our marriage while I ignored every request and cry to fix it. B) When she told me she had feelings for someone else I told her to go, because that is how little I cared. She wasn’t planning on leaving me that day, and our lives could of turned out very different. That being said, she did make errors of her own (cheating) and they are contributing to the struggles I’m facing now.

The story that my family and friends learned was that she met another man while we were married, fell in love with him, left me and broke up our family to going gallivanting around with him. I made her out to be a terrible person. To take “that” woman back would be an embarrassment and It’s largely why I haven’t voluntarily told my friends or family. 

I want to trust her and be able to move forward. I struggle with trusting that she won’t move on when she finds another interesting man. Maybe that will come in time, maybe it never will and we have no future. I don’t know what she can do to rebuild that trust, aside from inventing a time machine. I am not good with words, but I don’t get the vibe that she would do that again. Though sometimes I wonder, does she think she made a mistake only because her second husband turned out to be such a douce. 

My ex’s second husband has become increasingly difficult to work with. He knows that we are casually seeing each other, or thinks he knows that as he has shown up unannounced numerous times and handful of times I’ve been there. He’s a rude, arrogant, SOB, gym rat who is stepping into deadbeat territory. My ex has 3 young kids with him and he is suppose to have them every other weekend and one afternoon/evening a week. He uses 1/3-1/2 of that time and it’s steadily decreasing. The few times I have seen him there has been a 100% occurrence of him being a cocky ****. Making comments such as “Thanks for loaning her out to me” or “I got the good years out of her, feel free to take her now”. 

She is living in their home, she won it in their divorce. Bad juju, just knowing he use to **** her in that house, she had a whole other life in that house, is uncomfortable. 

She has gotten a lot better in the sex department, unrecognizable to how she was when we were married. That could be age, a decade changes a lot of things, but I can’t help but think were she learned it from. It’s not just her techniques that have improved (i.e., going from doing a hj by just silently and emotionlessly going up and down until I’m chaffed, to using her hand and mouth, not forgetting about the boys, teasing) but also her own. When we were married she couldn’t orgasm ever, she wouldn’t say what she liked or didn’t, she was unwilling to try new things, now she easily orgasms, tells me exactly what to do and doesn’t act like a corpse. 

One of her kids with her ex is 3 and he is a little ****. Sorry to say. It’s probably just the age but jesus christ he drives me insane. I am around those 3 increasingly more often, due to her ****wad not showing up for his time with them, and every time that little boy acts out I feel like I am driven away a little bit more each time. It’s not my kid, and I just picture his ****wad dad and the mind movies and thoughts start playing. 

When we have had the opportunity to spend the night together I don’t allow it or leave midway through the night after sex (which hurts her). Twice we have stayed a full night together but I couldn’t sleep, ended up sleeping on the couch after she fell asleep and rush off or rushed her out in the morning. 

With all that rambling… I love her. I have no idea how we could ever make a future work, but the thought of it not working physically hurts. On one hand I can see her fitting so well into my life again, and on the other hand it would be very difficult (outside sources not her own personality). She has changed a lot of the past decade, so have I, but all of the best parts of her are still there. She has matured and grown into a good woman. When I’m with her and able to turn the rest of the world off, I feel happier than I have in years. When I hold her and don’t let other thoughts in, I never want to let her go again. Her laugh and smile are contagious. She is beautiful and if anything she had become more attractive over the years. I love her mind and the conversations that we have. I love how smart she is. I love debating with her about things, sometimes fighting, and the inevitable making up. I love how she can look at me and I can know what is on her mind without her saying anything. I love watching her with our kids and seeing the young people she has helped them become. I appreciate that she understands she did things wrong and understands why I’m so hesitant. The words aren’t coming to me, but I love that she is thankful that I am even trying. I wish the beginning years of our marriage didn’t happen and I was meeting her now. 

With all of those feelings, I still haven’t been able to commit. Not to marriage, but to anything more than casual sex. I’m hurting her, I can see it and feel it. At one point there was a part of me that wanted to hurt her, I don’t now. I don’t want to walk away either. We aren’t doing this for our kids because they are teenagers and have no recollection of us ever being together. We’re doing this because we want to. 

If anyone has made it through that mess of words, that I tried to make short but clearly failed, any help, tips or telling me I’m an idiot are appreciated.


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## sokillme

So she cheated on you and left you for the guy that she just divorced? Well enjoy it while it last.


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## BobSimmons

Sigh.

Which one is it mate because you're all over the place.

You say you've been slowly "reconnecting" with your ex, taking your time and yet you turn around and said you wanted NSA sex.

She wants to move fast, if you had your way you would hide it from your own kids?????!!??

She cheated on you, left you for another man, left him, slowly had sex with you, which meant you probably didn't date other women, now you're back in love..

Sigh.

Dudes just never learn.

Or they just love TAM that much.


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## Andy1001

When the fog clears try and remember that this woman cheated on you when you were married to her.She now has become single again and you haven’t explained why.She has three children and not much support from her ex husband.You describe him as a douche but why did they separate,was she up to her old tricks?
She is looking for a father for her children and running a guilt trip on you because you are not moving fast enough to suit her.When you told your family and friends about why you divorced her you were speaking the truth.Don’t try and rewrite history because the only person you are fooling is yourself.


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## Affaircare

@matador, 

Let me see if I have this straight:

You and your ex-wife "married young." You have two kids together, now teens

Your ex-wife had an emotional affair during the marriage

She left you and the marriage to be with OM/2nd husband

You bad-mouthed her to your kids and extended family

She married OM/2nd husband, who turned out to be "a rude, arrogant, SOB, gym rat" (SURPRISE! not)

They were married in the neighborhood of 10 years and have 3 more kids together

The OM/2nd husband and ex-wife separated and YOU TWO started "reconnecting"

You've now been sleeping with your ex-wife for 8 months

You want to keep it a secret--she wants to be more than your sex toy

Is that about right?

* * * * * * * * * *

Can you see how ridiculous that looks? You couldn't make it work with this woman when all you had was you and her. Now, it's not only you and her...but add in the complications of another destroyed family, more damaged children, and another demolished husband! 

In her heart of hearts she is a person who turns to others, uses them up, and then moves on to the next. She has shown this pattern with both you and "****wad" and unless she's had some extensive counseling, this is still who she is at her core! That means that chances of her turning to you, using you up, and then moving on to some other guy are about 99.99 percent!!

And I don't care if she's the best lay in town and she learned it from being a porn actress, no lay is worth you putting yourself into the middle of your ex's destructive ways. Look you say you think you love her. I don't think that's love. I think it may be lust and may be infatuation, but love means acting in a way that is loving toward someone. How EXACTLY has she acted loving toward you, your kids, ****wad, or his kids? The fact she spread her legs for you? That's not love! 

Finally, want to know if she's had a huge, life-changing counseling that really has changed her? It's evident, and not by her words. Her words are like spider webs, hoping to pull you in so she can wrap you up and suck you dry. Nope, it's evident in how she ACTS. If she had really repented and was truly changed on the inside, she would maybe speak to you, but even ask she separating and divorcing her 2nd hubby, she would act in a way that is honorable and faithful. She would want until all ink is dry to even CONSIDER dating again. She would work on herself after the divorce for a while and figure out what a healthy relationship looks like. She'd know her own personality type and what types tend to be a good match with her own. She'd know her own Love Language and care enough to ask what YOUR Love Language is and then love you in that language! She'd know where she went off track with not one but TWO marriages and set boundaries for herself, probably not having male companionship until she felt like she had her own boundaries firmly in place and a habit. She's but right up front, open-book, honest! 

See...those are NOT the types of actions you see from her. You see someone doing the exact same thing she did to you...to someone else. She hasn't changed one bit that I can see, but she's using the golden vagina to dangle the bait and hopefully sink her hooks into you. 

AND she want's to "go faster" and "be more than a FWB" 

Seriously, do the wise thing: tell her you have grown a pair and no longer require the services of someone of her caliber. Seek out a lady who has taken the time to make something of herself by demonstrating in actions the kinds of things I mentioned above. And settle for quite literally NOTHING LESS.


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## Mizzbak

matador, in the 10 years since your divorce have you had a meaningful relationship with any other women? Or have you been stuck in some kind of limbo?


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## Satya

I really can't sees l any good coming from this.

It's roses now because you're having sex and the oxytocin is flowing. You can't NOT have an emotional attachment to a woman who was one your wife, but I guess you tried. 

Her ex is going to always be a pain in your side (and she made a poor choice way back when if he is as much of a d-wad as you claim).

Her kids will never accept you. The father will see to that.

I don't know what's worse...maybe different grades of worse: Your emotional abandonment of her at first (which for your benefit I'll chalk up to plain old immaturity), her cheating on you with badboy and leaving, or you destroying her reputation with your family, which has been their intact impression for 10 years!

But it's great now because she learned how to play with your balls and grew into an adult? 

I also think you're all over the place and never moved on properly. Now her ex H is the one she's running from to you. Where's the time for healing?

This just makes me sad for you both. But you're already embroiled and enmeshed so I suppose the only thing I can say is


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## Emerging Buddhist

Stop the casual sex... desire is a cruel manipulator of poor choices.

Ever try to blend oil and water?

This is not the happiness you are looking for.


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## arbitrator

*Be extremely wary!

Looks like you've suddenly reemerged as your cheating XW's "Plan A," but seriously, for how long?

She does have a track record, you know!*


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## GusPolinski

On the one hand, she cheated and left... and that’s bad.

On the other hand, knowing that her OM/2nd ex is just absolutely fuming over the two of you knocking boots must be <mwah!> oh so sweet.

Still, unless you want to wind up indirectly (or, if he’s a deadbeat, more directly than indirectly) supporting his 3 kids, you might do better cutting her loose.


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## matador

I know I sound like an idiot. 99% of me tells me to end it and go back to being civilized co-parents, if that’s even possible at this point. But that 1% is strong. 

You are right that I don't act like I love her. She doesn't feel loved. She has said "I love you" once, I haven't. She has expressed that she feels used and like she's being led on and played with. My feelings are not showing, but it's not because they are not there. I'm guarding myself, and it's a reason previous relationships didn't work out. 

I do however feel appreciated, wanted, loved by her. She doesn't talk about feelings much (anymore), which is my fault as I've shut it down so many times. The way she acts towards me, talks to me, looks at me. I don't feel uncertain about her emotions (Right now. I don't know where they will be in months or years based on history). She has always been good at knowing how to make someone feel loved and appreciated - and demolish that I suppose, I’m not forgetting the decisions she made in the past. 

On one hand, she feels like someone I have known forever, on the other hand she feels like a stranger because we were not close over the last 10 years. For almost 2 years (after our divorce) we had no communication whatsoever and went through a third party. Some things just feel like they fit like a glove, at the same time I'm relearning who she is and having to adjust things that are no longer accurate, or never were. 

I don't believe that people can never change, or that only bad people do terrible things. I wasn't always a great guy and did ****ty things in my younger days, things that I'd never do again. Before I got involved with my wife I had 8 previous relationships of varying lengths, cheated in every single one of them. Never once cheated on my wife (though she needed convincing at times throughout our marriage/relationship), or anyone after her. Time and maturity change people. But maybe this was too bad, too far gone, too much water under the bridge. Like I already said, maybe I'm being a complete idiot that stuck my **** where it doesn’t belong. 

I struggle with her emotional side of her 2nd divorce. She does get emotional about it at times and she has cried over her ex/divorce in front of me. I can tell when she's holding things back, and she does often. I don't know where the line should be. I want to support her. But I don't want to listen to her cry over her ********* ex husband whom she left me for. She knows that and tries to hide emotions over it when we are together. I’d be lying if I said I was unhappy that they divorced. There is a part of me that is happy. Happy that the man she left me, her marriage and family for, turned out to be a ****. Happy that the marriage she traded ours for failed miserably. Happy that she knows what it feels like to be cheated on, to a different but debatably worse extent. Happy that she’s not happy. 

While I think we did jump into this too soon, I don't think it was as soon as people think. She has been separated for close to 2 years and divorced January 2017. He was having an affair, had cheated on other occasions - that she was unaware of - and it caught up to him. She filed for divorce. Karma, it just goes around and around – I was the first recipient. 

Yes, we were married from 04-08 (separated in 07). She met him while we were married, married him immediately after we divorced. They met at work and she had an emotional affair. Over the past months she has given me more details about that time. There was a lot of circumstances around it. Not excusing it, she hasn't tried to make excuses (in the past year). 

I don't want to hurt my kids. I am ashamed to be seeing her again. I feel like that's a given, under the circumstances. I did bad mouth her to many people, including our kids. I KNOW that was very wrong. As bad as her choices were, I made them 1000x worse. Cheating is always wrong, and always bad, but some circumstances are worse and I did everything I could to make her look worse and make her actions look worse. Including lying about details, especially my own side and how long/how much she had been cheating. Example, I made a comment about “my kids probably aren’t even mine”, someone asked if she had been screwing him that long and I ran with it and let people believe that. Wrong, yes. Our friends were all mutual friends and my family loved her, I wanted them all to hate her. It worked and has stayed that way for a decade.

I had 2 long term relationships during those 10 years. I had casual relationships as well. I wasn't sitting in my parent’s basement for a decade never speaking to a woman. The two long term relationships didn't work out, but they had their own up's and downs. I can get into them if I need to, but yes they existed. I loved them both, it didn't work out, things ended. I have dated one woman in the past 8 months (since becoming physical with my ex). Would have been around May June of this year, we went on a few dates but through all if it I was thinking about my ex. She hasn't dated or seen anyone since her separation. 

Obviously, my opinion of her ex is that he is a ****, always was and always will be. (My ex wife has said that he was a really good husband/father, until he wasn't.) He knew we were married when he met her. He didn't have any respect for our marriage, so I won't lose a tear over the destruction of his. I understand that the karma bus came around and ran my ex over. If I must say it, he in theory didn't seem that bad when they were married. He was friendly enough towards me, my ex was happy, our kids like him and both call him dad (which infuriates me), their kids seemed happy. He made a clear change in his attitude towards me when they divorced. I don’t particularly care. Good riddance. But I do understand that if I am to work it out with my ex, he is someone who will always be in the picture. The man who was better than me. More worthy. Who took my place for so long. I agree that his kids will be turned against me, I can see him doing that. I would struggle with fully accepting his kids, especially with him becoming increasingly more of a deadbeat. Half of his visits he skips, and those he does use he either only stays for a few minutes after dumping them with presents, or takes them somewhere extravagant for the day (theme park, zoo, aquarium, etc) to "win". It won't last and she'll be a solo parent of 5 (I have 50/50 custody of our two).


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## GusPolinski

What you might not have considered is that you’re simply familiar and comfortable to her. And, while that novelty may present a pretty strong draw, it’s bound to wear off after a while, especially once she detects your persistent disdain for her children with OM.

Also, if you _really_ think that her affair with her co-worker/OM/2nd ex was _only_ an emotional affair (at least prior to D-Day), then you’re insanely naive.


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## SunCMars

The reason she is so good in bed.
The reason she gives good head.

The reason is in your' head.
That is the reason for her giving you head.

To get in your' head.
To win you over.

The oldest trick in the book.
They love you, they go around the world.

Until you marry her..then.
Then the old fish shows up in the pond again.

And forgets how to swim.
Forgets how to do the back stroke.
And all the other strokes that she does so well, now.
...............................................................................................
The above is a possible outcome.
One, yet undetermined.


Me?
Knowing this, I would give her a chance.

She came back...because she learned her lesson.
She came back..because you taught her that lesson.

The old girl has been around the block..she has.
But now it is you and your **** that she swings around.

You have won, you have won.
It took ten years for her to see the light.

Now, my friend turn the damn thing bright.
Since you do, say you do.

Tell her that you love her, you must.
Tell her that you love the 'new her', not the old.

Let this play out.
Fear not.

I see good...
And from this good, all those years your love withstood.

You now can be Magnanimous.
How can you now be indifferent?

God is giving you another chance.
Take it.

Just Sayin'


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## Evinrude58

I think it's a really bad idea. Everyone has already outlined the reasons.
Don't let your emotions overrule common sense. It's easy to do, but unwise.

You are wasting time that you could be using to meet a woman you could be happy with. 

The fact that you cheated on all your gf's is not a pattern that will serve you well.
Cheating is a hurtful thing, regardless.


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## sokillme

How much of this is the feeling of redemption you get by getting her to commit to you again. Like somehow you prove that she was wrong the whole time if you can get her to come back to you. I mean I get it, but not sure how that helps you in the long run.

You say her ex didn't have any respect for your marriage but neither did your ex wife. This is the person you are trying to get back with? I hope you are not just a rebound. She has used you before. If it was me, I would see this as karma and move on. Then you can be the one that got away instead of the guy she dumped for some looser.


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## matador

GusPolinski said:


> What you might not have considered is that you’re simply familiar and comfortable to her. And, while that novelty may present a pretty strong draw, it’s bound to wear off after a while, especially once she detects your persistent disdain for her children with OM.
> 
> Also, if you _really_ think that her affair with her co-worker/OM/2nd ex was _only_ an emotional affair (at least prior to D-Day), then you’re insanely naive.


There is a level of comfort and familiarity for both of us. You're right she could just be settling right now because she feels comfortable in a sea of unfamiliarity of being a second time around divorcee, single parent and dealing with a lot of **** from her ex. She could be grabbing onto the one thing (me) that is familiar. It's part of the reason I don't want to get too attached. For if/when she walks away again. I can't get more serious and not get more attached, hence keeping her in "**** buddy" status, while she wants to be anything but that. That, and how I feel about her kids is something that I need to sort out if, I know. 

She met him at work. They spent 4 months getting to know each other and slowly building up to the eventual affair. She gave me a very detailed timeline, 5 typed pages. The turning point was a work party they both attended. She went on a dinner “date” with him afterwards. After that they started emailing through their work emails. 6 weeks later she told me that she had met someone, had feelings for him and needed me to try and save our marriage because she didn't want to leave it. She begged me to try. I told her to go be with him, said some things I shouldn't of, literally pushed her out of the house. She slept with him that night. She said she wasn’t planning on it, she was upset and it happened. After she slept with him she didn't think she could ever come back to me. Reading every detail of what she says happened makes a lot more sense than what I can summarize.


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## sokillme

matador said:


> There is a level of comfort and familiarity for both of us. You're right she could just be settling right now because she feels comfortable in a sea of unfamiliarity of being a second time around divorcee, single parent and dealing with a lot of **** from her ex. She could be grabbing onto the one thing (me) that is familiar. It's part of the reason I don't want to get too attached. For if/when she walks away again. I can't get more serious and not get more attached, hence keeping her in "**** buddy" status, while she wants to be anything but that. That, and how I feel about her kids is something that I need to sort out if, I know.
> 
> She met him at work. They spent 4 months getting to know each other and slowly building up to the eventual affair. She gave me a very detailed timeline, 5 typed pages. The turning point was a work party they both attended. She went on a dinner “date” with him afterwards. After that they started emailing through their work emails. 6 weeks later she told me that she had met someone, had feelings for him and needed me to try and save our marriage because she didn't want to leave it. She begged me to try. I told her to go be with him, said some things I shouldn't of, literally pushed her out of the house. She slept with him that night. She said she wasn’t planning on it, she was upset and it happened. After she slept with him she didn't think she could ever come back to me. Reading every detail of what she says happened makes a lot more sense than what I can summarize.


Why didn't she tell you she needed you to save the marriage before she found a boyfriend and went on dates with him. What kind of person is she really? If it was all about you pushing her to him why did it last so long? Again enjoy it while it lasts. Wonder what would happen if he suddenly wanted her back.


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## matador

sokillme said:


> How much of this is the feeling of redemption you get by getting her to commit to you again. Like somehow you prove that she was wrong the whole time if you can get her to come back to you. I mean I get it, but not sure how that helps you in the long run.
> 
> You say her ex didn't have any respect for your marriage but neither did your ex wife. This is the person you are trying to get back with? I hope you are not just a rebound. She has used you before. If it was me, I would see this as karma and move on. Then you can be the one that got away instead of the guy she dumped for some looser.


It isn't something that I think about a lot, but I do from time to time. But you are sort of right. It's not the only reason I'm doing this, but goes through the back of my mind sometimes. I know my wife disrespected our marriage as well. Sometimes I shift the blame onto her ex and less onto her.


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## sokillme

It sucks to be cheated on an dumped once but God forbid you have it happen again to you by the same women years later. Just be mindful of that.


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## matador

sokillme said:


> Why didn't she tell you she needed you to save the marriage before she found a boyfriend and went on dates with him. What kind of person is she really? If it was all about you pushing her to him why did it last so long? Again enjoy it while it lasts. Wonder what would happen if he suddenly wanted her back.


She did, many times. I didn't acknowledge it or listen to her. We were having problems long before she started working with him, and she tried to fix things before she started working with him. We lived together but I could go days without talking to her or noticing her. I wasn't innocent. She tried a hell of a lot harder than I did. She still made mistakes, no doubt about that. She said after she slept with him she knew I'd never take her back (probably true at the time), she kept getting to know him and fell for him. She was happy with him, and thinking about him coming back and wanting her worries me. She says she would never take him back, she left him after he had a long affair and cheated on other occasions. I do worry about it. Their divorce was ugly, realistically I don't see them ever getting back together. But I didn't see us getting back together either.


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## matador

Evinrude58 said:


> I think it's a really bad idea. Everyone has already outlined the reasons.
> Don't let your emotions overrule common sense. It's easy to do, but unwise.
> 
> You are wasting time that you could be using to meet a woman you could be happy with.
> 
> The fact that you cheated on all your gf's is not a pattern that will serve you well.
> Cheating is a hurtful thing, regardless.


We are not exclusive, the doors are still technically open. I do worry about wasting time on her. I'm not getting any younger and at some point would like to find a woman to be happy with again. Maybe, maybe, get married again. I don't see myself meeting someone else right now, but it could happen I suppose. 

*Not all of my gf's, all of those prior to my ex wife. Not on her or any woman I saw after my ex. Still ****ty, but not who I am anymore and not something that most people in my life now know about me. I haven't told any woman after my ex wife about it, because it's not who I am anymore.


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## David51

matador said:


> Jumping right into it.
> 
> 
> 
> I have been slowly reconnecting with my ex-wife over the past 1.5 year, but mostly over the past 8 months (when things became physical). The reconnection is something that we have taken very slowly and casually. Our teenaged kids know, but that was unplanned (one saw a kiss and told the other), if I had my way they wouldn’t know. Most friends and family do not know. My ex has been wanting to move a bit faster than I’ve allowed. I’m not saying she expects to be married, living together again and popping out another kid, but she doesn’t want to be casually dating, in secret, rarely spending the night together, with no title higher than a **** buddy.
> 
> 
> 
> I didn’t plan on developing new feelings for my ex. We started reconnecting very slowly and platonically after she separated from her 2nd husband, and became physical about a year later. The sex was supposed to be no strings attached, for me at least. I didn’t think there was a chance in hell that I would ever take her back or call her my wife again.
> 
> 
> 
> I love her. I think some part of me always has. We married young (22/25), immediately had two kids back to back, were separated by 25/27 and divorced after the mandatory separation period. We both contributed to the failure of the marriage. Her actions weigh more heavily, but mine caused the ripple effect that led the demise. We have been divorced nearly 10 years, she was married to another man for most of that time. She left our marriage for that man after having an emotional affair. I blame myself for that because A) She spent months, maybe a year, trying to fix our marriage while I ignored every request and cry to fix it. B) When she told me she had feelings for someone else I told her to go, because that is how little I cared. She wasn’t planning on leaving me that day, and our lives could of turned out very different. That being said, she did make errors of her own (cheating) and they are contributing to the struggles I’m facing now.
> 
> 
> 
> The story that my family and friends learned was that she met another man while we were married, fell in love with him, left me and broke up our family to going gallivanting around with him. I made her out to be a terrible person. To take “that” woman back would be an embarrassment and It’s largely why I haven’t voluntarily told my friends or family.
> 
> 
> 
> I want to trust her and be able to move forward. I struggle with trusting that she won’t move on when she finds another interesting man. Maybe that will come in time, maybe it never will and we have no future. I don’t know what she can do to rebuild that trust, aside from inventing a time machine. I am not good with words, but I don’t get the vibe that she would do that again. Though sometimes I wonder, does she think she made a mistake only because her second husband turned out to be such a douce.
> 
> 
> 
> My ex’s second husband has become increasingly difficult to work with. He knows that we are casually seeing each other, or thinks he knows that as he has shown up unannounced numerous times and handful of times I’ve been there. He’s a rude, arrogant, SOB, gym rat who is stepping into deadbeat territory. My ex has 3 young kids with him and he is suppose to have them every other weekend and one afternoon/evening a week. He uses 1/3-1/2 of that time and it’s steadily decreasing. The few times I have seen him there has been a 100% occurrence of him being a cocky ****. Making comments such as “Thanks for loaning her out to me” or “I got the good years out of her, feel free to take her now”.
> 
> 
> 
> She is living in their home, she won it in their divorce. Bad juju, just knowing he use to **** her in that house, she had a whole other life in that house, is uncomfortable.
> 
> 
> 
> She has gotten a lot better in the sex department, unrecognizable to how she was when we were married. That could be age, a decade changes a lot of things, but I can’t help but think were she learned it from. It’s not just her techniques that have improved (i.e., going from doing a hj by just silently and emotionlessly going up and down until I’m chaffed, to using her hand and mouth, not forgetting about the boys, teasing) but also her own. When we were married she couldn’t orgasm ever, she wouldn’t say what she liked or didn’t, she was unwilling to try new things, now she easily orgasms, tells me exactly what to do and doesn’t act like a corpse.
> 
> 
> 
> One of her kids with her ex is 3 and he is a little ****. Sorry to say. It’s probably just the age but jesus christ he drives me insane. I am around those 3 increasingly more often, due to her ****wad not showing up for his time with them, and every time that little boy acts out I feel like I am driven away a little bit more each time. It’s not my kid, and I just picture his ****wad dad and the mind movies and thoughts start playing.
> 
> 
> 
> When we have had the opportunity to spend the night together I don’t allow it or leave midway through the night after sex (which hurts her). Twice we have stayed a full night together but I couldn’t sleep, ended up sleeping on the couch after she fell asleep and rush off or rushed her out in the morning.
> 
> 
> 
> With all that rambling… I love her. I have no idea how we could ever make a future work, but the thought of it not working physically hurts. On one hand I can see her fitting so well into my life again, and on the other hand it would be very difficult (outside sources not her own personality). She has changed a lot of the past decade, so have I, but all of the best parts of her are still there. She has matured and grown into a good woman. When I’m with her and able to turn the rest of the world off, I feel happier than I have in years. When I hold her and don’t let other thoughts in, I never want to let her go again. Her laugh and smile are contagious. She is beautiful and if anything she had become more attractive over the years. I love her mind and the conversations that we have. I love how smart she is. I love debating with her about things, sometimes fighting, and the inevitable making up. I love how she can look at me and I can know what is on her mind without her saying anything. I love watching her with our kids and seeing the young people she has helped them become. I appreciate that she understands she did things wrong and understands why I’m so hesitant. The words aren’t coming to me, but I love that she is thankful that I am even trying. I wish the beginning years of our marriage didn’t happen and I was meeting her now.
> 
> 
> 
> With all of those feelings, I still haven’t been able to commit. Not to marriage, but to anything more than casual sex. I’m hurting her, I can see it and feel it. At one point there was a part of me that wanted to hurt her, I don’t now. I don’t want to walk away either. We aren’t doing this for our kids because they are teenagers and have no recollection of us ever being together. We’re doing this because we want to.
> 
> 
> 
> If anyone has made it through that mess of words, that I tried to make short but clearly failed, any help, tips or telling me I’m an idiot are appreciated.




Why do you need to commit to anything? Why not enjoy the relationship you have, enjoy the sex, the romance all the good things that come with no commitment. I have been married twice and both have been good and also bad not terribly bad but bumpy rides for sure. Divorce is expensive and marriage cost very little unless you have a big wedding......If I were a young adult with the knowledge I now have and getting married I'd want a prenup but not anything to do with money. You should think about what you want and what you want to continue and so should you mate and put that down in writing with consequences if any of those things stop.......you should already know that Marriage is hard on a relationship.........you best off single


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## Herschel

Unless you have the rights to your biographical book/movie/soap opera deal, I’d suggest pinching yourself in the face until you concuss. Then, one more, just to remind yourself that you should only ever move forward and not backwards. But if you have the rights, can I have a small part?


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## turtle1214

"Happy that the marriage she traded ours for failed miserably. Happy that she knows what it feels like to be cheated on, to a different but debatably worse extent. Happy that she’s not happy."

If this is true, then this will never work. You haven't forgiven her, not deep down in your heart. If you truly loved her, you'd be able to empathize with her. You wouldn't feel happy about any of her unhappiness. You both need to talk, to communicate. You need to talk about your emotions. The ones you felt 10 years ago and the ones you're feeling now. If either of you struggle, then you need to go to counseling. If you don't work through all the muck, then you'll never get out of it. If you both keep going like you are, it'll be the same thing all over again.


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## Marc878

Good god man!!!!

It's your life to screw up if you want but take good hard look. 3 kids by another man?

Oh I forgot!! You lurve her?

You seem to be making a lot of excuses to try and justify this to yourself. Long term you'll screw your life up again. 

This is a train wreck in the making. She's stayed with him 10 years? Let her continue.

Better wake up sport


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## Rob_1

There are people that never learn, they go through life having their emotions to control them, mostly to their own demise.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Man, you remind me of the robot in Lost In Space. "Danger Will Robinson!" Run my good man run. She cheated once, likely to do so again.


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## OutofRetirement

Is she divorced from her second husband or just separated?

Has she ever been without a guy? How long? Has she ever lived single, or always went from one guy to the next?

Why is she divorcing (has divorced) from her second husband? It's been eight years, she had three kids, it couldn't have been that bad, could it? So why leave him now?

Does she badmouth him to you?

You were OK to get married and have a family with for a while, then you were no good, he was OK to get married and have a family, then he was no good, ... I think I see a pattern here.

One thing I wonder, did she leave him because she started (in her head) thinking about possibilities with you. Comparing you to him, and found him lacking. After all, she had to live with him day in, day out, deal with three young kids, and you she saw or spoke about your kids, but didn't have to really deal with day-to-day chores, finances, work, etc. Not anywhere near her husband. It was like you were the fantasy land. I think I see a lot of that as time passes, a lot of people who broke up in high school or college or while younger had good reasons for that, but when they get a little unhappy, when life gets a little rough, they "re-connect" with their old love, and remember only the good. A lot of cheating starts that way. Is it possible this is how it started with your girlfriend re-connecting with you, at least from her side, even before you knew about it? 

These are my reservations, the main ones, anyway.

From what I can see about reconciliation., the foundation of the reconciliation is the TRUTH. That's like the foundation of the house. If the foundation is weak, the house will fall. After cheating, truth is needed to reconcile. Now you are in a rare situation, a 10-year break between facing the truth, kind of like an extended rug-sweeping period. So by finding out the truth (which I hear you that you wished you wished you hadn't, but I think you were damned if you did and damned if you don't situation about finding the truth), now you are in the same situation of having "just found out." All of the revelations, even though it happened 10 years ago, it happened to you recently. You can read here where guys find out new things 10 years down the road, and it's like the wound is opened up anew. These are just my thoughts about it.

Should you think about it like the therapist says? I sure don't know. I think you might as well rip off the band-aid and get over it now before you get married and then get messed all over again. Well, I mean messed up even more. This woman seems she has made a career of being confused and the guys who love her have the scars to prove it.


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## OutofRetirement

> Why not enjoy the relationship you have, enjoy the sex, the romance all the good things that come with no commitment.


It just occurred to me that maybe it's better to be the cheater, take all the hot sex and easy fun, no real responsibilities to her, no real obligation to her, and just leave all the finances and chores and mundanity to her husband. Let him do all the worrying about where she's going, who she's talking (and doing other things) to, etc., and just throw her a few compliments and "support" her by nodding your head as she complains about her husband, then have hot sex and be on your way.


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