# How to handle new relationships with children involved



## User Name (Jun 30, 2013)

My wife and I are separated (not divorced yet). We are living separate and each have our daughter half the week. We have been able to keep it amicable so far for the most part... until now.

I just found out she is seeing someone and while I don't necessarily have an issue with that, I have an issue with how the situation is being handled in regards to our daughter.

My daughter kept mentioning this guy's name and so I asked my wife who this guy was and she said a "friend". Then my daughter started expressing unhappiness with the situation and that's when I decided to look into it further.

Turns out the guy is not just a friend and is someone she is seeing, as my daughter has seen them displaying affection in front of her.

We agreed that we would keep new relationships separate from our daughter until it was somewhat serious. So, because this guy is around my daughter, I have to assume that it's somewhat serious.

I don't appreciate her lying to me, if we're supposed to be working together and keeping this amicable. Actually, the way I found out was that she asked me to watch our daughter so that she could go out on Valentine's Day with her "friend", which I though was really tacky.

I also found out she traveled out of the state with my daughter and this guy, and I wasn't informed about it.

And another thing, she wants to raise our daughter as a Christian, meanwhile she is seeing other men and displaying affection with them in front of her daughter - while still married - just doesn't seem like setting a good example.

So, my question is, do I have a right to know who a guy is if he's around my daughter? And if my daughter is expressing unhappiness about it, do I not have the right to find out why?

Because my wife seems to think I do not have the right.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

These are questions that you need to ask your lawyer.

There is no way I'd be ok with my ex taking our child out of state with out notification. Nor would I be ok with them traveling with my child.

Boyfriends and girlfriends should not be introduced to one's children until the parent has been dating for a year or so. It takes that long to make sure even start to really know each other.

One thing to be careful of I that child molesters specifically look for women with young children to date... that gives them access to children. The chance of child abuse goes up many times when mom's boyfriend being around.

I would see your lawyer could add something to the divorce saying that no opposite sex 'friends' are allowed to be around the child and not travel, in or out of the state without your knowledge.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Unfortunately I think you'll find that unless you can prove that your wife's behavior endangers your daughter (a pretty high hurtle to clear) you don't have any say in what she does. 

In my case my ex starting sleeping with her new bf while she had the kids. I heard about it when the kids started asking questions. When she found out that I knew what she was doing her response was "you can't prove anything..." but she did seem to stop exposing our kids to her exploits.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Shoto1984 said:


> Unfortunately I think you'll find that unless you can prove that your wife's behavior endangers your daughter (a pretty high hurtle to clear) you don't have any say in what she does.
> 
> In my case my ex starting sleeping with her new bf while she had the kids. I heard about it when the kids started asking questions. When she found out that I knew what she was doing her response was "you can't prove anything..." but she did seem to stop exposing our kids to her exploits.


Yes this. It's hard to hear but you have little to no control over any of this. You can attempt to calmly voice your concerns with your x about this situation but you will likely be called controlling. Been through this myself and it's tough. No easy answers.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I have to agree with Shoto & Wolf, that it is really hard to enforce those types of things. My suggestion is for now just keep your eyes & ears open. Make yourself a safe place for your daughter to vent & validate her feelings. 

These types of situations are hard because you can have certain stipulations put in place in the court order, but are you going to go to court EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. trying to hold her in contempt? That can get costly (not just lawyer fees, but time off from work, using up gas to get to court, etc.). Plus, you don't want your STB-ex watching you trying to find an excuse to put you in contempt the minute you start dating someone new. This situation can easily spiral out of control & turn into a tit for tat contempt battle.

Just do your best to maintain your daughter's emotional well being while she is with you. The only things you can control are the things that happen when your daughter is with you. That's the unfortunate part of having a child living in 2 households. :-(


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## A_DelVeccio (Jan 13, 2015)

Your only concern should be that your daughter is safe. Find out if something is there that would make her unsafe... remember children will be upset when either parent finds someone else because they would like their parents to be together.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

She is no longer your wife and you have no real control over what she does as long as the kids are safe.

Some people are just thick though and/or they don't put the kids best interests first. My ex introduced a potential new partner within 2 weeks of meeting her then proceeded to take the kids there every second weekend for the 2 months they were dating. He is so stupid and totally stuffed the whole thing up, the kids were really confused and pissed off. When the relationship failed he didn't even have the guts to tell the kids so instead they started asking me why they were no longer going with dad to XXX's house 

Me on the other hand took it slow, waited over 9 months to intro my partner only after I was quite sure this was going to be a solid relationship. Well we are going really well and his kids and mine (5 in total) are all doing just fine with the blended family we are building.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

It's really messed up for your ex to be bringing another male/father figure into your daughters life in such a short time span.

YES< you have every reason to be concerned. You already know they got intimate too fast and are rushing into things.....without really knowing each other. 

And this UNKNOWN MALE FIGURE is around your daughter, which is sketchy AT BEST.

This should really confirm that she is not the smartest person out there and make you glad you are no longer with her.

Meanwhile, speak to her directly about how you feel about her introducing your daughter to another male figure she hardly knows. 

I would feel that my child is in danger. Who knows what type of this person this guy is etc.

I would also express my concern about bringing in random person into your daughters life and making her making him into a father figure.......without really taking TIME and making sure he is the right person.....AND WHILE MARRIED still.

Talk to your lawyer too, get some evidence and see what they can do with this type of information when it comes to custody etc.

I know I would.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Holland said:


> Some people are just thick though and/or they don't put the kids best interests first. My ex introduced a potential new partner within 2 weeks of meeting her then proceeded to take the kids there every second weekend for the 2 months they were dating. He is so stupid and totally stuffed the whole thing up, the kids were really confused and pissed off. When the relationship failed he didn't even have the guts to tell the kids so instead they started asking me why they were no longer going with dad to XXX's house
> 
> Me on the other hand took it slow, waited over 9 months to intro my partner only after I was quite sure this was going to be a solid relationship. Well we are going really well and his kids and mine (5 in total) are all doing just fine with the blended family we are building.


OP, above post paragraph 1 = doing it wrong (what your wife is doing)

Paragraph #2 = doing it right

Sell this to your ex, it's in the best interest OF YOUR DAUGHTER.

That's really your only focus here.

Also, proceed with the divorce and get this thing wrapped up....


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## User Name (Jun 30, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies.

Another thing that I don't like is that my daughter's mother is always going out (as in social life) and leaving my daughter with other people and letting her sleep at their houses. My daughter doesn't like it. Apparently, her social life is a higher priority than being a mother and spending quality time with her daughter. She only has her half the week, she can go out the other half of the week. That's what I do. When I have my daughter, it's OUR time.

This will probably be another case of "There's nothing you can do about it". As it seems I can only really do something if my daughter's safety is involved.

My daughter is going through the same thing that I went through when I was married to her mom. Her social life is number one, not her husband, and not her daughter.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's what a lawyer's agreement is for. Gives you first right of refusal if she's going out, she has to notify you so you can have your daughter.


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