# Wife cheated after 15 years



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

Good morning, hope all is well. Well as the title says my wife of 15 years has cheated on me. we have two kids and are trying to work it out. 
She has been great for the past month but there are a couple of things that bothers me and I am not sure what to do. one is her phone, she has a lock on it and won’t take it off. If someone texts her and I am around she tells me who it is, but I just don’t understand why she has it locked. For years she never had it locked until now. the other thing is now she wants to go out with her friends dancing, I don’t want her to feel that she can never go out, I think in time when the trust comes back she can. I think going out with friends is a great thing but I think it is too early. What does everyone think? Thank you in advance for your help.
regards


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

If she still has it locked, its because she's still expecting messages from the OM. Easily verified by pulling the records from your phone company.

Solution to going out: go out with her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You found it!

 (The CWI section)

First things first: is he married? is she still in contact with him?

That locking her phone and moving away from you when someone messages her is not going to fly if she wants her marriage to you to work.

Know that. Tell her that. 

She broke the trust--she needs to help restore it -- through ACTIONS.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Friend, it sounds very much like you rug swept her A. 

One of several consequences she should have received was being totally transparent. That means you have all her passwords and access to all her communication devices. You should absolutely accept nothing less.

In regard to going out with friends without you; That crosses a boundary that many married couples have, even with no A involved. But when you add her cheating to the mix, that would not just be a no, but a hell no. 

Did you expose her A? To her family, your family and the OM's wife or SO?

Is she accountable for her time?

Is she really demonstrating remorse? Because refusing to share her passwords and asking to go out with friends, is not how she shows it.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

can pull phone records, in her name. jellybeans, yes i found it thank you, yes he is married, he was having probles and left her but now they are trying to work it out. the locking the phone thing really bothers me, she dont move away when someone texts her, she will tell me who it is, even show me. i just dont understand why she still has it locked


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry but things certainly aren't going "great" from what you're saying. She needs to face consequences for her actions and be transparent. Locking her phone and going out dancing with female friends is something you should shut down or hand her walking papers.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

breathe69 said:


> Good morning, hope all is well. Well as the title says my wife of 15 years has cheated on me. we have two kids and are trying to work it out.
> She has been great for the past month but there are a couple of things that bothers me and I am not sure what to do. one is her phone, she has a lock on it and won’t take it off. If someone texts her and I am around she tells me who it is, but I just don’t understand why she has it locked. For years she never had it locked until now. the other thing is now she wants to go out with her friends dancing, I don’t want her to feel that she can never go out, I think in time when the trust comes back she can. I think going out with friends is a great thing but I think it is too early. What does everyone think? Thank you in advance for your help.
> regards


I posted on the other thread but it has been moved here so I will repeat the gist for you.
Grow a pair PLEASE!!
She had an affair. I say had loosely as I feel it continues to this day. 
Phone locked..why? I know the reason, so do you. Stop being stupid!!
married this long and all of a sudden just after an affair she wants to go out to meat markets with friends dancing and I assume drinking. How did the first affair happen?
No reason for a married woman to go out to meat markets unless she is shopping. If she wants fun, then be fun with her. Or is her definition of fun mean getting away from you?
You need to man up. She wants a man and you are not acting like one. She has shown to be a cheating spouse and continues to keep secrets and do what she wants. Your feelings do not matter. Why should she feel differently, since you are enabling it.
Tell her to unlock the phone in front of you today. no advanced warning!! Demand it and make it a deal breaker if she will not. Then if she does read all the messages and write down all the time stamps of the calls she sent and rec'd as well as the text message time stamps. Then compare them to the phone bill. They will not match. No spouse not hiding something that has already had an affair would refuse this request unless they are still cheating. 
If you are not willing to do this, then you are hopeless, at least for now you are. 
To all men I say this. Woman want a MAN. You either be one or they will find one. They do not want a doormat or a wounded puppy as their lovers. Start making demands my friend. Take care of yourself do not be so concerned of how she feels. At minimum one of you needs to care about YOU.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Time to man up I think. You need the ability to confirm that she's not talking to someone all the time and that means no lock and ability to view phone records. She doesn't get the right to go out alone anymore. She'll try to paint you as controlling. Tell her tough sh*t.

Refusal to accept your terms shows a lack of remorse for her actions and where her priorities are - at that point, you stick to your guns and show her the door if necessary.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You state in your first thread that she is home every night and on the weekends, so you wanted to believe that she was no longer in the affair. Was she going out a lot before ? Was this an affair with a co-worker ?


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

badmemory, ok not sure where to start, yes her family and friends know, this has been going on for about 10 months, she was in and out of the house, staying at friends!!!! was a really hard time for me, it got to the point where i couldnt take it and talked to a lawyer, i truly love my wife and going to lawyer was the hardest thing i could have ever done. i would really like to just move on and for the most part things have been good, we are always doing things together, we are a family again, its just these little things that gets me nervous. it could all be nothing, i just dont know, scared and lost


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

You're doing this wrong. If you want to stay with her, the lock comes off the phone, for starters. You're still being cuckolded. And wanting girls nights out? Come on! You are showing her no consequences. She knows she can have sex with other men, and continue to betray and keep secrets from you - and you will do nothing.

What you need to do - even if you want to save your marriage, is tell her you are divorcing, unless she stays home, unlocks her phone, and takes a polygraph to prove she isn't still seeing this other man - because she is.

Time to take your balls back, my friend.

Her keeping the lock on and wanting girls nights out (yeah right), shows she has ZERO remorse for cheating and likely still is. Sorry man.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

yes she was out all the time, work durning day then out at night. and i agree with everyone else, time to man up


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You want the marriage to move forward? Then stop playing games with her. Her phone is locked and for a reason so it should tell you that she's not being honest with you. It takes two to make the marriage work and so far your the only one that's putting an effort in doing that. 

Sit her down and go eye ball to eye ball with her so she finally understands that your not playing games with her and tell her that her locking her phone is unacceptable and she either unlocks it and keeps it unlocked or your filing for divorce. Make her understand that her irresponsible behavior caused this mess and it's up to her to either fix it or move out. You have to do this in a way that she knows your not putting up with her BS and the balls in her court. No excuses. No putting it off and let her know that if she can't do that then it's time to leave.

If you know who the guy is, let his wife know what's going on. She deserves to know and if your wife gets pissed, tell her that she has no one to blame but herself. If she learned how to behave you wouldn't have to do this.

As far as her going out with her friends. Tell her that isn't happening right now. She broke the trust in the marriage and right now you don't trust her and that has to be earned back and so far by her not unlocking her phone should tell you something. 

It's up to her to show that she can be the wife you want and if it's too hard for her then she's not worth keeping.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

breathe69 said:


> yes she was out all the time, work durning day then out at night. and i agree with everyone else, time to man up


So has that pretty much been the majority of your marriage? It definitely sounds like you were the doormat and let your wife walk all over you. If she's always been like this, then there is a possibility that this guy wasn't her first affair.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You forgave too quickly and now she is starting to test you again. Ask yourself why you are in such a hurry to take her back? Im not saying you were wrong to, but i sense desperation from you and you better believe your wife does too. Cheaters must believe you will end the marriage. Will you? What is your true dealbreaker? Bottom line: Toughen up and dont rugsweep.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

breathe69 said:


> .... i just dont understand why she still has it locked


She could be testing your boundaries like my WW did. Mine held onto the idea that married people should trust each other. It bothered her severely that she was being 'treated as a child'. More of a 'principle' stance. So, she kept the lock on the phone at first like some rebellious teenager.

The ramification; I did the full 180 and began detaching again. She wants a lock... fine. Then she won't have me. That's really the only power you have. I could have cancelled her phone or any number of little vindictive things. Didn't see the point of it. If she wasn't going to respect or own why I needed access on the device she used to betray me was necessary, she wasn't worth hanging onto. 

The 180 gives me a chance to mentally prepare being without her and sets the tone that she's really nothing more than an option in my life. Work on you; You'll be alright without her. It also allows it to sink in for her and 'do something' before I get too far away to want to come back.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

6301 said:


> You want the marriage to move forward? Then stop playing games with her. Her phone is locked and for a reason so it should tell you that she's not being honest with you. It takes two to make the marriage work and so far your the only one that's putting an effort in doing that.
> 
> Sit her down and go eye ball to eye ball with her so she finally understands that your not playing games with her and tell her that her locking her phone is unacceptable and she either unlocks it and keeps it unlocked or your filing for divorce. Make her understand that her irresponsible behavior caused this mess and it's up to her to either fix it or move out. You have to do this in a way that she knows your not putting up with her BS and the balls in her court. No excuses. No putting it off and let her know that if she can't do that then it's time to leave.
> 
> ...


I bet her friends knew she was cheating and are in no way a "friend of your marriage" 
If she is being influenced by her friends then they need to go away as well.
My wife had a toxic friend. My wife was given an ultimatum.
Friend goes away. Simple really. I am not afraid to let go of my wife. I love her and it would crush me, but having to wonder and worry is too painful and destructive. Better to start over IMO. My wife knows my love for her. She also knows I am a strong enough man that if she is not faithful as a spouse and a 50% partner to this relationship then I will move on and find some one else. No patience for this type of behavior is all that works in the long run. You will if you have not already notice that you are going to be told the same thing over and over by the posters. Most here learned too late and have been damaged. They learned though. You ready?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

breathe69 said:


> Good morning, hope all is well. Well as the title says my wife of 15 years has cheated on me. we have two kids and are trying to work it out.
> She has been great for the past month but there are a couple of things that bothers me and I am not sure what to do. one is her phone, she has a lock on it and won’t take it off. If someone texts her and I am around she tells me who it is, but I just don’t understand why she has it locked. For years she never had it locked until now. the other thing is now she wants to go out with her friends dancing, I don’t want her to feel that she can never go out, I think in time when the trust comes back she can. I think going out with friends is a great thing but I think it is too early. What does everyone think? Thank you in advance for your help.
> regards


Okay Breathe, the first thing you have to come to realize is that, although you feel like you've made progress with your WW, you haven't made ANY! You know that weird feeling deep in your stomach, that even though everything on the surface feels like it's moving in the right direction, there's something in your gut that is telling you this isn't right.....That voice, whisper, whatever....THAT is the voice you need to listen to.

I know this sucks, but what's happening is rugsweeping. The affair happened, you two addressed it and basically "moved on". 

Here's some very important questions

1. What has been done to fix your wife? A person who cheats is "broken". There's something wrong inside them that would allow them to cheat on a 15 year marriage. What is being done to help her fix those issues?
2. What consequences did your wife suffer from having an affair (she wants to go out dancing PS that would be an instant NOPE NEVER AGAIN for me. Dancing isn't something a WW is allowed to do any longer. She still has her phone locked...why don't you get to answer her phone or look at the texts when they first come in?)
3. What kind of counseling are you both in?
4. What types of books have you read?
5. How is she showing you that YOU are her first priority? (ps she's showing you you're not with the dancing and phone)
6. How long has it been since D-Day?
7. Have you drawn up a post-nup? (this is critical)
8. Has she done a polygraph?
9. Does she expect you to "just believe her"?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

breathe69 said:


> badmemory, ok not sure where to start, yes her family and friends know, this has been going on for about 10 months, she was in and out of the house, staying at friends!!!! was a really hard time for me, it got to the point where i couldnt take it and talked to a lawyer, i truly love my wife and going to lawyer was the hardest thing i could have ever done. i would really like to just move on and for the most part things have been good, we are always doing things together, we are a family again, its just these little things that gets me nervous. *it could all be nothing, i just dont know, scared and lost*


Okay Breathe, I'm going to talk in a very touchy feely way, because I think you need that (ps that's not an insult, I have very strong emotions towards my wife and I show them)

I bolded something. You're scared and lost and your wife put you there. Her NUMBER 1 agenda should be to help you through this. To do whatever it takes to help you recover, to find you and to reassure you. But she's not...is she?

Actions my friend....look at actions when it comes to whether or not a WW is remorseful and truly ready to recommit. You can't believe their words,...for obvious reasons.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She may have a legitimate reason to lock her phone. Security is a good reason. If she does, you should have the password. And you should be able to pick up her phone at any time and look at what is on it.

Keylog the home computer. Install tracking software on her phone. She should agree to this as part of reconciliation. She has to prove she is worthy of your trust, which means you have to see she is being openly honest over a period of time.

Because it appears she is still hiding things from you, it may be best for her not to know of all the spy tech you put in place.

For example I would put a VAR in the car and anyplace in your home where she may make secret calls. You could put a GPS tracker on her phone. If it is an iPhone there are ways to do it easily with fine-my-phone. You could put a gps tracker on the car to verify she goes where she says she is.

Review all your bank records and credit card statements. Look for anything which indicates location or purchases which are ongoing and suspicious.

Search carefully for a burner phone. Check every cubby in the car, including the spare tire and jack areas. Check her purse. Search her dresser and closet. Search everywhere you can think of. Do this without her knowledge.

You should read one of the books on recovering from infidelity, and then she should read it. I like "After the Affair" by Janis Spring, though there are others people here recommend.

If you go to marriage counseling, beware the counselor who wants to move forward without digging much into the past. Your wife needs to reveal everything about what happened before you can heal. She needs to understand why she did what she did so that she can avoid doing it in the future.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your insight, the problem with me (and I know it’s a problem) is I do forgive to quickly, I am not the man that stays mad all the time, or is demanding, I work hard, take care of my family and always put my wife first. I agree that I do need to stop being a doormate, 
I can see she is trying, calling me every time she leaves work and then again when she gets home, or if she needs to run out to store she will call, if her phone goes off she will show me who it is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

breathe69 said:


> Good morning, hope all is well. Well as the title says my wife of 15 years has cheated on me. we have two kids and are trying to work it out.
> She has been great for the past month but there are a couple of things that bothers me and I am not sure what to do. one is her phone, she has a lock on it and won’t take it off. If someone texts her and I am around she tells me who it is, but I just don’t understand why she has it locked. For years she never had it locked until now. the other thing is now she wants to go out with her friends dancing, I don’t want her to feel that she can never go out, I think in time when the trust comes back she can. I think going out with friends is a great thing but I think it is too early. What does everyone think? Thank you in advance for your help.
> regards


I think you should tell her you won't stay with her unless she either takes the lock off or gives you the password. Anything less is you being a beta male, and there is NO way for her to be attracted to you if you are.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

breathe69 said:


> if her phone goes off she will show me who it is.


When you're _around_.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

breathe69 said:


> can pull phone records, in her name. jellybeans, yes i found it thank you, yes he is married, he was having probles and left her but now they are trying to work it out. the locking the phone thing really bothers me, she dont move away when someone texts her, she will tell me who it is, even show me. i just dont understand why she still has it locked


She tells you who it is and shows you when it's someone besides the OM. She's trying to make you believe she has nothing to hide, and yet her phone is still locked. If she's just worried about her phone security then you should also have her password.

This is pretty damn obvious...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's nothing wrong with changing your mind, btw. "Wife, it's clear now that I can't handle being with you when your phone is still locked. I've discovered it appears to be my hill to die over. If you won't keep your phone unlocked, I'll start making plans to separate. This isn't a marriage."


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The affair is still going on, that's a fact. Why? Because she refuses access to her phone. She shows you what she wants you to see, nothing more.

Full transparency means you have access to her phone at any time (gives you the password) and any passwords to any and all her accounts. Full transparency is a cornerstone for True Reconciliation. Its essential in helping to rebuild the trust that she broke. Yet she still password protects her phone *FROM YOU*.

It's quite clear: *YOU ARE IN FALSE R*, and the affair is deeper underground.

If she was truly remorseful (another cornerstone of R) she would be doing anything, including being fully transparent, to regain your trust.

Three and a half years later, I can pick up my fWWs phone any time that I want to. Any time. She wouldn't even think of password protecting it from me because that would be an automatic deal breaker and R would be forever off the table.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your insight, the problem with me (and I know it’s a problem) is I do forgive to quickly, I am not the man that stays mad all the time, or is demanding, I work hard, take care of my family and always put my wife first. I agree that I do need to stop being a doormate, 
I can see she is trying, calling me every time she leaves work and then again when she gets home, or if she needs to run out to store she will call, if her phone goes off she will show me who it is.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

breathe69 said:


> badmemory, ok not sure where to start, yes her family and friends know, this has been going on for about 10 months, she was in and out of the house, staying at friends!!!! was a really hard time for me, it got to the point where i couldnt take it and talked to a lawyer, i truly love my wife and going to lawyer was the hardest thing i could have ever done.* i would really like to just move on* and for the most part things have been good, we are always doing things together, we are a family again, its just these little things that gets me nervous. it could all be nothing, i just dont know, scared and lost


No you really just don't want to move on. What does moving on mean? Forgetting what happened? You're playing happy families now but you really haven't resolved anything have you?

Who did she cheat with?

Why did she cheat?

How do you know she won't cheat again?

Has she been totally honest and *OPEN* (which she obviously hasn't as she still keeping her phone locked)

She was going out during the affair, she's still going out now..why haven't you stopped that, more importantly if she was truly remorseful she would know such actions would reflect negatively on her, but the simple answer is..

She is not remorseful, so going out and hurting your feelings doesn't matter to her..

Also, are these the same friends she was going out with during the affair? Why hasn't she dropped them or you insist on her stopping contact with them.

You're rug sweeping. Time to assert some control and as they say..grow a pair. If she still want to go out, and lock her phone, then tell her fine, she can do it, here are the divorce papers, if you're truly not sorry and you can't see what you're doing is having a negative affect on us then we're done.

Have some respect for yourself. Maybe then she might have some respect for you.

Good luck to you man.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

breathe69 said:


> Thank you everyone for your insight, the problem with me (and I know it’s a problem) is I do forgive to quickly, I am not the man that stays mad all the time, or is demanding, I work hard, take care of my family and always put my wife first. I agree that I do need to stop being a doormate,
> I can see she is trying, calling me every time she leaves work and then again when she gets home, or if she needs to run out to store she will call, if her phone goes off she will show me who it is.


In other words, you have only become the provider, the live in roommate and babysitter. You need to improve this about yourself.

Its not about staying "mad" all the time. Its about enforcing boundaries and protecting your marriage, which you have failed to do because you are the live in babysitter and provider now.

So what if she shows you who it is? You don't know who she's called or received calls from when you aren't around. You don't know about any text messages or anything like that. That is NOT full transparency. That's called smoke and mirrors, and she has you fooled.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

BobSimmons said:


> No you really just don't want to move on. What does moving on mean? Forgetting what happened? You're playing happy families now but you really haven't resolved anything have you?
> 
> Who did she cheat with?
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

She's still having GNOs? :wtf:

We have yet another one who is afraid to protect his marriage and is afraid of being "controlling" and being "mad". This is why this WW will continue to cheat over and over again until he changes himself.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

If the phone's locked and you don't have the code the cheating never stopped.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

breathe69 said:


> Thank you everyone for your insight, the problem with me (and I know it’s a problem) is I do forgive to quickly, I am not the man that stays mad all the time, or is demanding, I work hard, take care of my family and always put my wife first. I agree that I do need to stop being a doormate,
> I can see she is trying, calling me every time she leaves work and then again when she gets home, or if she needs to run out to store she will call, if her phone goes off she will show me who it is.


Ok, I think you are unconsciously applying your thought patterns and values onto her. You would never perpetrate deceptions. You would feel horrible if you hurt your wife. You would want to help her feel better if you did hurt her. You would honestly show her your phone when a message came in.

The problem here is that your wife has a very different psychology than you do. She is quite capable of deceiving you. She has lied to you many times about very big things. She does not put your feelings and needs ahead of hers.

So you have to start seeing the real her, and you have to stop evaluating her actions based on your own psychology. Start evaluating her based on who she really is.

I think you would learn a lot from the 2 part book "Women's Infidelity". It is available online as a pdf. The author sells it for a ridiculously expensive price, but if you look around you might find a copy of it somewhere for a more palatable sum.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

I believe she does show remorse to an extent, I mean she past him the other day and he waived, she told me, she didn’t have to, I would have never found out. with the phone lock, yes it bothers me, but really it is very easy for her to delete a message from the day even if it wasn’t un locked. She has also sent me her phone logs.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Ovid said:


> If the phone's locked and you don't have the code the cheating never stopped.


I have to agree with this. My wife did the exact same thing. Between me catching her the first time (DDay 1), and catching her the second time, (DDay 2), she locked her phone, and even changed her password regularly. Didn't want me spying on her.

It's because there is a reason. 100%. 

You are in false reconcilition my friend. Been there. Done that. 

My wife doesn't lock her phone anymore. And hasn't since we very nearly separated over DDay 2. 

Take it from someone who really has seen the difference between his wife Saying she's not talking to the OM, and actually Doing it.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Thor said:


> Ok, I think you are unconsciously applying your thought patterns and values onto her. You would never perpetrate deceptions. You would feel horrible if you hurt your wife. You would want to help her feel better if you did hurt her. You would honestly show her your phone when a message came in.
> 
> The problem here is that your wife has a very different psychology than you do. She is quite capable of deceiving you. She has lied to you many times about very big things. She does not put your feelings and needs ahead of hers.
> 
> So you have to start seeing the real her, and you have to stop evaluating her actions based on your own psychology. Start evaluating her based on who she really is.


:iagree:

Breathe,

Many of us were once like you. We tend to judge others as we would act or think. You are an honest, fair, trusting man. It is clear by the way you express your actions.

She is NOT. She is a different person than you.

Your mission now is to come to terms with the "real" woman your wife is, not the one you have perceived for the past several years.

You say you "forgave" her, but you are not to a place emotionally or mentally where you can do that. You do not know the truth yet. It is much deeper than you know about. She is rugsweeping, deceiving, hiding, and probably blameshifting her actions.

It is very, very difficult to accept who your wife really is beyond what you have known.

So sorry you are now part of us. Glad you found TAM. You will survive, but it will change you forever.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

breathe69 said:


> I believe she does show remorse to an extent, I mean she past him the other day and he waived, she told me, she didn’t have to, I would have never found out. with the phone lock, yes it bothers me, but really it is very easy for her to delete a message from the day even if it wasn’t un locked. She has also sent me her phone logs.


Dude, it's not just the texting. My wife used her gmail account and only used it with her phone. Texts/phone records can be clean all day long but she can still email him from a gmail account and there is no way for you to see it.

Now, my wife leaves her phone out all the time, no password. I can look at it daily if I still felt the need to. Huge difference.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Son, you have to be either a troll or the largest block head that has ever walked on God's Green Earth!

She shows you a name of someone on the phone, let's say the name is Sally. However, do you know it's really Sally? Maybe Bob, huh?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Dude, it's not just the texting. My wife used her gmail account and only used it with her phone. Texts/phone records can be clean all day long but she can still email him from a gmail account and there is no way for you to see it.
> 
> Now, my wife leaves her phone out all the time, no password. I can look at it daily if I still felt the need to. Huge difference.


Yup!

My exWW created a fake name and contact info for her AP. It was disguised as a woman co-worker. She had a couple different email accounts too.

She can delete texts and calls no problemo.

She can use chat features that leave no trace such as smart phone game apps, Facebook, etc.

It happens almost EVERYTIME when people cheat. It is really easy to clean the slate, and act innocent.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

she shows me all her emails. well maybe the ones she dont delete. she did come clean and told me everything, every question i had she answered, and even knowing it was going to hurt me she still did. in my eyes that takes allot for someone to do. i know we have a long way to go, and i know she is sorry for riping our family apart. yes some of her actions are not right but hoping intime she will see that those need to change. i am going to focus on me, get my self stronger and if she is there in the end then great, if not then i will deal with that then.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

kenmoore14217 said:


> Son, you have to be either a troll or the largest block head that has ever walked on God's Green Earth!
> 
> She shows you a name of someone on the phone, let's say the name is Sally. However, do you know it's really Sally? Maybe Bob, huh?


ya i thought of that to but i know the # of this guy, and i know its not in there.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

My ex used to keep her phone unlocked and just deleted the texts before she got home. iPhone to iPhone texts don't show up on the cell phone bill either because they are done through iMessage from Apple. So because most of her toxic friends and the OM had iPhones it was pretty easy to hide. OMW smartened up and got some software she used to retrieve the deleted texts from his phone. Don't underestimate what cheaters will do to cover their tracks. You have to stay one step ahead of them.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

breathe69 said:


> she shows me all her emails. well maybe the ones she dont delete. she did come clean and told me everything, every question i had she answered, and even knowing it was going to hurt me she still did. in my eyes that takes allot for someone to do. i know we have a long way to go, and i know she is sorry for riping our family apart. yes some of her actions are not right but hoping intime she will see that those need to change. i am going to focus on me, get my self stronger and if she is there in the end then great, if not then i will deal with that then.


You did not come here for help. You want us to agree with you.
Notice not a single person here does. We must all be wrong and you are right. Oh wait, you thought you had a good marriage before and you were wrong, must have been a fluke.
Come on man. Just listen to yourself, it's pathetic.
WHY IS HER PHONE LOCKED? WHY ARE YOU NOT INVITED TO GO OUT WITH HER? WHY DOES SHE STILL HAVE GNO AT HER AGE, ESPECIALLY AFTER TEARING YOUR MARRIAGE APART?


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Breathe,
> 
> ...


thank you, i have been through allot over the past 10 months, yes i do forgive her, i will never forget what she has done or how bad it hurt. i understand that everything i thought of her is out the window. I don’t know much but what i do know is i love my wife very much, yes i hate her for what she has done, i don’t think it is right or accept it, but people make mistakes. now i also know i could easily be with someone else where i would have to worry about this but my heart is with her. been through allot in the past 15 years and not willing to through it away over a mistake. with that being said i will not lay down and be kicked, so i will continue to keep making myself stronger and see what happens.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

You need to be able to access her phone records online without having to rely on her sending them to you. If she has a password for this that you don't, get it from her. This is one of the most important tools that you have.

That way, when you look through her phone (I'm confident that you'll do this) you can compare the phone to the phone records to determine if she has deleted texts or phone calls.

I agree with the other poster about putting a VAR in her car, at least for a few weeks.

One other thing, remember cheaters lie, they trickle truth. If she told you she waved at OM, something more than that likely happened. But even if that's true, why is she giving him a friendly wave?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

breathe69 said:


> yes some of her actions are not right but hoping *intime* she will see that those need to change.


In time breathe? I don't think you have that luxury. *LISTEN* to what we're telling you.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Read some of the stories here and wake up. Or we can wait for your dday 2 post.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

badmemory said:


> OP,
> 
> You need to be able to access her phone records online without having to rely on her sending them to you. If she has a password for this that you don't, get it from her. This is one of the most important tools that you have.
> 
> ...


ok thank you, does anyone know a VAR thats not to expensive


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

breathe69 said:


> ya i thought of that to but i know the # of this guy, and i know its not in there.


I don't suppose it has occurred to you that maybe he changed his number....or maybe now has a burner phone?

You really need to educate yourself about cheaters. Spend some time reading the heartbreaking threads in CWI. I know you want to believe what she says, but she had no problem lying and cheating on you. 

She has cheated on you, she should be doing everything humanly possible to make it up to you. She should be completely remorseful and completely transparent. No secrets, no locked phones. You should have total access to everything. 

How sweet of her to report to you he waved and she didn't wave back....she's giving you crumbs. Maybe what she didn't mention was she then pulled a u-turn and they met up in the grocery parking lot and made out like teenagers.

You are setting yourself up for heartbreak if you don't turn things around soon.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

badmemory said:


> In time breathe? I don't think you have that luxury. *LISTEN* to what we're telling you.




ok


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Everyone who has read and responded to your post sees her and her actions objectively. You see her subjectively because you want to ascribe certain attributes to her that just aren't there. 

I agree with the others on these points:
*If the affair isn't still 'full on' then it's on hold while you cool off. The locked phone is testament to this. 

*There's a good probability that she was encouraged and praised for her 'independence' by toxic friends so why let her continue to see them? It's shouldn't be in the cards for a long time if ever. 

*Place a voice activated recorder in her car where she won't likely find it. Test it on your car first. Check it for at least a month. You'll find out what's going on when she thinks it's safe to have 'honest' conversations while driving home.

*Ask her who else knew and approved of her affair - they're out of your lives forever. 

*Find a counselor who is experienced in marital infidelity and make an appointment. 

*Inform the OM's wife immediately and let her know what the affair has done. Don't let on that you suspect the affair of continuing - she'll alert the OM and cause more chaos. 

Being "mad" is counterproductive and a sign of a weak person. But being vigilant, demanding respect, honesty, and openness is not. You need to have the mindset that regardless of the love you have for her, you love yourself more - and thus won't settle for less than the truth and the companionship of a trustworthy and honest partner.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

breathe69 said:


> ok


One thing you have going for you, unlike many other newly betrayed posters we see here; is that you apparently understand that we're trying to help you save your marriage.

It's called tough love. We want your best outcome. I'm glad you are man enough to continue to post. Hang in there.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Everyone who has read and responded to your post sees her and her actions objectively. You see her subjectively because you want to ascribe certain attributes to her that just aren't there.
> 
> I agree with the others on these points:
> *If the affair isn't still 'full on' then it's on hold while you cool off. The locked phone is testament to this.
> ...


wow thank you so much. realy thank you everyone for pointing out my wrongs. i truly need that.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you and your wife read the book, not just friends?

You also need to stop being a nice guy.

You are at war with the enemy and she is your wife. She still locks her phone and wants to go out dancing? Why not dancing with you?

And get the phone unlocked!


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

badmemory said:


> One thing you have going for you, unlike many other newly betrayed posters we see here; is that you apparently understand that we're trying to help you save your marriage.
> 
> It's called tough love. We want your best outcome. I'm glad you are man enough to continue to post. Hang in there.



yes i do know that, and i truly thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Her phone is a symptom. You see her with a phone and you don't trust her. Your marriage is not in a good place. Your plan to get stronger is a good one.

Did your sex life suffer during the affair. After Dday? And how is it now? Did she do things with him that she didn't do with you?

He waved at her. Obviously he still values their friendship and/or the sex they had. She didn't wave back, did she? Put on a scowl?

How did you discover the affair?

You apparently are not convinced that she is remorseful.

Are you lifting weights? Getting into shape? Are you overweight? Smoke? Drink? Watch a lot of TV?

You sound like a proactive person who is willing to change/take action.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Have you and your wife read the book, not just friends?
> 
> You also need to stop being a nice guy.
> 
> ...


Why would she read a marriage help book he gives her? She hasn't even stopped her cheating behavior yet. 

Some of you people are too quick to start throwing these books out that are meant for reconcilliation purposes. 

This guy needs to put the kabosh on the affair first and take conrtrol of the situation, not worry about his WW's needs and feelings. No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life Primer are the only two books he should be reading right now. 

And he needs to intiate divorce and do a hard 180 until she unlocks that phone and startes acting truly repentant.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

breathe69 said:


> Good morning, hope all is well. Well as the title says my wife of 15 years has cheated on me. we have two kids and are trying to work it out.
> She has been great for the past month but there are a couple of things that bothers me and I am not sure what to do. one is her phone, *she has a lock on it and won’t take it off*.


Then she isn't working on the marriage. She wants to keep her secrets. 

If she won't take it off, I think you need to consult a lawyer and get the paperwork started.




> the other thing is now she wants to go out with her friends dancing


Nope, sorry. She f'd that up when she became a cheater. Granted, you don't own her and she can do what she wants, but I wouldn't put up with her going clubbing.

Dancing with her friends, ya, riiiiight. Like that all she wants to do. 




> I don’t want her to feel that she can never go out, I think in time when the trust comes back she can.


She can go out with friends. Nothing wrong with going to a movie, dinner, shopping, etc.
But there are certain things a proven cheater should not be doing, and if they truly are working on the marriage then they wouldn't even consider going clubbing.

I think you need to divorce her.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

When are you going to demand the password for her phone?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

breathe69 said:


> I believe she does show remorse to an extent


Not if she still wants to go out partying and clubbing.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I totally agree with Longwalk's post. 

You need to start doing a few things for yourself. I like the idea of getting a gym membership or finding a way to workout. You need to improve yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

You have to be able to recognize that just because you love someone you won't spend the few precious years you have on this earth in kowtowing to them. 

Spend quality time with your kids. Teach them something new - learn something new yourself. 

The affair has destroyed your marriage. It's like your home was hit by an EF5 tonado and you merely want to continue to live in the rubble, cleaning off a little space and pretending the house is just fine with no real damage done.

Your marriage 'house' was destroyed - face it. It needs rebuilding. She needs to shoulder her share - the lion's share. As is, she's telling you the house if fine and encouraging you to believe that. 

Show some strength. Act as if you have courage and courage will come to you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

breathe

You are getting a lot of great advice.

I know you probably feel like we are hammering you. What we really want you to do is look at the advice we are giving you.

We all have been in your shoes. We know what you fear.

I recommend the VAR in her car. Hide it well. Get a midgrade device at Target or Walmart. 

Send a PM (private message) to weightlifter. He will guide you about what VAR, what batteries to use and what settings should used as well.

You are too trusting. It is because you love your wife.

But when I hear about the locked phone and her wanting to go out and party all I see is a woman that got over her Affair too quickly.

But it also makes me wonder why this woman would rather not spend quality time with her husband and kids?????

There is nothing wrong with forgiving her but only if she has earned it.

Be ever watchful.

HM


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

breathe69 said:


> She has also sent me her phone logs.


Does that mean she hands you her phone also so you can COMPARE the phone logs to see what was deleted?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

INDICATORS OF REMORSE
* Actions match words.
* Accepts full responsibility for the affair without blaming the BS, a bad marriage, or other outside factors.
* Expresses sorrow for hurting the BS and the M.
* Shows compassion and actively assists the BS with handling triggers.
* Does not become defensive or shut down when BS brings up affair-related emotions, issues, or questions.
* Answers questions honestly and completely.
* Does not avoid the BS or become frustrated that the BS is not “healing fast enough.”
* Contributes at least 60% of the joint effort at rebuilding the marriage.
* Actively works to understand why he or she made the choice to have an affair and shares insights with BS.
* Does not think solely about himself or herself. Considers how actions impact the BS.

Remorse is so important to R. It’s the conerstone that everything else is built on. Without it, the M can not heal.



From AffairCare... Reconciliation vs Rug Sweeping: 
Remorse involves far more than just saying “I’m sorry.” It’s conveyed through consistent actions. The above list is not comprehensive, but it is meant to be an example that the FWS’s behavior should be clear sign that he or she understands the pain the A caused and is committed to healing the M. Simply hanging around the house is not remorse. And it is not R.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If your wife really loves you, is NOT cheating, and IS remorseful, she will welcome you checking up on her.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Breathe,

Are ya beginning to see that we are all agreeing that she is still deep into the A?

Very good posts have been written to you.

You are at a the point where you have, or soon will, have an epiphany about your situation.

You already know she has betrayed you. The problem really lies with your mindset of quickly wanting to forgive her.

DO NOT FORGIVE HER!!!! At least not yet. She has to prove herself for a very long time by her actions. The actions suggest she is cheating on you CURRENTLY.

My good man, you should be filing for a D. It really is the way to end your suffering, and possibly get her attention.

You can reconcile (R) and forgive AFTER you have either divorced, or on the threashold of it.

Read some threads! Read the ones that are by betrayed husbands (BH)s that go on for several weeks/months. You will see how predictible and common these things are.

YOU DESERVE AN HONEST WIFE.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

showing you the phone with a name popping up isnt good enough. Mine listed her boytoy name under the mans daughter and everytime she left the house to visit, she always said she was going to see the daughter. and while technically true she would see the mans daughter she was going to meet him. 
When asked why she would be at the mans home, she told me she had an interior decorating job at the home, she did that part time. 
Next time she shows you the phone and its a girls name that pops up, call the number back right away from her phone, bet a man answers. 
I made this same mistake as you the first time I busted my soon to be ex, a few years ago, I basically put a stop to it right away, it was the very beginning stages of an ea. We had a long talk, I forgave her and thought it best to just chalk it up to a bad decision, lack of judgement and move forward and not talk about it. I should have been more pro-active, more open about the hurt and worked on helping each other thru it and not just bury my head in the sand.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

breathe69 said:


> yes i do know that, and i truly thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.


 She cheated on you for 10 months with another man, and you forgave her without even the most basic of consequences. Right now she is thinking "you mean that is it, wow no big deal really". Not only was divorce not really on the table, but she gets to lock her phone, and talk about going dancing with her toxic girlfriends.

Just for starters, let her know that, other then when you are in the bathroom, there is no expectation of privacy in a good marriage. You must demand full transpancy that includes all passwords without complaint and an agreement not to delete anything (other than SPAM) without showing it to you first. You must also tell her that as a consequence of her cheating that there will be no more girls night out. Another consequence of her cheating is that she must dump all of her friends that knew of the cheating. You must be willing to file for divorce and mean it if she is not willing to comply. 

In light of her cheating, her locking her phone from you, and planning on going dancing on girls night out, shows that she does not respect you. She cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect. Please understand that most men divorce their wives if they cheat. She needs to be thankful that you are even giving her a second chance. If she thinks that the consequences that I listed above are to high a price to pay for a second chance, then she does not think that cheating on you is a big deal and she will do it again. Without respect and true remorse there can be no long term reconciliation. It is time that she really act remorseful and willingly accept consequences. Notice that I said "act remorseful" and not "talk remorseful". Talk is cheap, demand action.

As a side note, there are many apps that allow texting that is not recorded by your phone provider. For instance, many cheaters play Word With Friends because they can look like they are playing a game while using the text feature to text their affair partners. Bottom line you need to have full access to the phone.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

She is only showing you controlled information. That will not get it done. Your rug sweeping will come back to haunt you if you do not address the problem. 

Place a var in her car. If she does unlock the phone or give you the code, be careful of a burner phone or an app to hide the texts. 

She is not being transparent. That is not good. As far as her telling you that she saw him and he waived. Maybe that is part of the story. Maybe she also found another om to replace him. She has certainly learned how to hide this better. 

Your goal sounds to me like you want to R. If that is the case I urge you to do so correctly. Rug sweeping is not the right way to heal your marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

thank you everyone for all your help. there a re some really great post.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> breathe
> 
> You are getting a lot of great advice.
> 
> ...


how do i find weightlifter? sorry new to all of this


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

He will find you, or look at the community link on the top of the page. You can search for him, and send him a pm.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Just look up on the right top of the page, and click on the private messages. Send him a pm.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

as already mentioned
she CHEATED
she IS a liar, a deciever
she can NOT earn trust back with words...her words are poop
actions...actions are what earn the trust back

100% transparency...she gives you ALL the passwords, 100% access to all email/phones/facebooks

she writes a letter of NO CONTACT to the om, lets you deliver it

YOU tell her (and do it) your exposing the om to his family, especially if hes married...if she tries to protect him, red flag

she has to go out of her way to assure you with actions NOT WORDS that she is being totally honest with where she is, who shes with, what she is doing...and has to answer questions without any deception

SHE LOST the right to privacy when she spread her legs for someone else...if she truly wants to make it work, she will...if she just wants you as back up, or wants her cake and eat it to, then she wont


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

breathe

check your PM


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> breathe
> 
> check your PM


thank you!


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

If I was hiding an affair from my wife, I would store my mistress's phone number, on my cell phone, under the name "hank the plumber" for example...she would never know...unless of course she had full access to my phone and realized I was porking ol' hank the plumber...


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

My X locked her phone, but the phone records gave away most of her texts. I say most, because the Iphone texts became invisible over wifi in a software upgrade. BUT, when she was 3G you would see. Once she thinks you are onto her phone though, she can get a burner phone.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

She's taken the affair underground....well, not really because she knows she doesn't have to take it that far underground, like resorting to using a burner phone or something like that, because she knows you'll believe her when she says she's sorry and she wants to work it out. She knows her husband well.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

She's meeting him or maybe even someone new when she goes out with her friends. They are covering for her. She told you everything because she knew you would forgive her and take her back no matter what. You have to show her you are not plan B. She has to know there are women out there that would love you as their plan A. You need to know that too.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Make sure she does not find out you post here. And please dont send her here to read this. At least not until you know shes back on your team.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Do not discount this possibility: maybe she is telling the truth and NOT hooking up with him (the POSOM) again...

...but, she has been locking her phone because she doesn't want you to see the messages that her GFs are sending her. This may tie in with the GNOs. They may be saying things like; "Girlfriend, have we got a hot hookup for you this Friday night", or "Honey, that cute guy from the club last week has been asking about you".

Her toxic GFs have reintroduced her to the single party girl lifestyle again, and she likes it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> If I was hiding an affair from my wife, I would store my mistress's phone number, on my cell phone, under the name "hank the plumber" for example...she would never know...unless of course she had full access to my phone and realized I was porking ol' hank the plumber...


"Gee honey, you sure do talk to this plumber fellow a lot. You must have some pretty bad pipe clogs"


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

John Lee said:


> "Gee honey, you sure do talk to this plumber fellow a lot. You must have some pretty bad pipe clogs"


now THATS funny!!!


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear breathe69,

Having read all your posts to date, I think the most important thing for you to do right now is to read _"No More Mr. Nice Guy"_ by Dr. Robert Glover. You can download a PDF version at the following website: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf.

What you will learn from it is that you have it within you -- if you are willing to work on yourself -- to become a confident person who can solve problems on your own, rather than having to rely on the advice of others. You will also learn how to respect yourself and how to deal with people (like your WW) who mistreat you.

Please, download it and start reading it today.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife came clean in late April after years of cheating. Today she went back to our hometown for a doctor's appointment. It is near where the XOM lives. She did this for a over a year when we were in false R. She said it was over, I believed her, yet for over a year she was still having sex with him. I put a VAR in her car when things were not making sense and caught her.

R has been going pretty good this time. I know the difference between real R and false R. yet today I put a VAR in her car just to verify.

If my wife locked her phone, I would shut it down. I have the legal right to do so, the account is in my name. I did it in February, but I also knew she had a "burner phone". 

Your gut is telling you that this is bugging you. I will tell you that you are in false R. She is still behaviing like a cheater. 

I would not confront her about the phone. I would get the VAR's going. Don't go too cheap. You want one with a good battery life and one that can record quite a long time. Like was said, weightlifter will give you good advice there. 

Why not confront about the phone? I still believe she is cheating. The more you confront the more she will more than likely take it underground. At least she shows you the phone right now. She may slip up if something is going on. She may not always erase things. I suspect that name changes on her menu are likely as well. My wife was texting a guy that she entered as a GF. The guy ended it quickly and nothing more then a few text messages but still, she was smart enough not to have his name and used a girls name instead. She lived in the same area code so I thought it was her not a him.

They get smart at hiding stuff.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife had a sexual affair

You need to set non negotiable boundaries before you resume the marriage:

1. She can go out ,with you, you are her husband and going out dancing and drinking and having fun is what married women do with their husband to have fun with him and build their relationship , it's also what single women do to meet guys - which one does she choose?

2. No secrets. Full transparency, including sharing passwords.


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## lacey99 (Oct 18, 2013)

If someone texts her and I am around she tells me who it is, but I just don’t understand why she has it locked.

different situation but my son and his buddy were talking about this (they didn't know I could hear them)...they have a "standard/code person" they use to answer their parents when they innocently ask them "who ya texting?, (especially if they don't want to get into who it really is)...could be what your wife is doing??? unlock seems to be mandatory to regain any shred of trust ..


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

kenmoore14217 said:


> Son, you have to be either a troll or the largest block head that has ever walked on God's Green Earth!
> 
> She shows you a name of someone on the phone, let's say the name is Sally. However, do you know it's really Sally? Maybe Bob, huh?


yup, mine did that too. Girls name from work was a guy she met on ****** *******.com I guess she wanted to save the dude some money since it cost guys cash to send msgs. They'll do watever it takes and yes, she had a password on the phone and blamed it on me cuz she didnt want me snooping. Wonder why i would snoop?


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

Man this sucks. She is going to keep cheating. Be there for your kids and make sure they understand she chose to abandon the family not you. Sorry.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If your wife is REALLY serious about R---where she does what is required of her---that being---SHE DOES ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING---it ain't happening in this case

Your wife does NOT GET TO MAKE ANY DEMANDS---she is to completely agree to your wishes, as long as they are not abusive

Transparency---MEANS AN UNLOCKED PHONE---if she was not HIDING SOMETHING---it would be unlocked

As to dancing with her friends----NO WAY IN HE*L------is she to be allowed to go out without you---at this point in your R.

You need to become serious about this R-------SHE GETS TO DO NOTHING THAT MIGHT PUT HER ANYWHERE CLOSE TO ANOTHER MALE----------LOCKED PHONE---OUT DANCING---No R---I don't care how much you love her---SHE AIN'T SERIOUS ABOUT THIS R., and no matter what she says------her actions are to not be TRANSPARENT------checking in-----is words---locking her phone is her action

Time to start RESPECTING YOURSELF


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

The phone is locked but I also think it is clean. 

She has a burner phone.
She has a hidden email.
She is not communicating directly. Possibly though a "friend" 
She has a standing date and has no need to communicate via electronic means, hell she waved at him. 
She has taken this way underground and you are uncomfortable because you know that she is still having the affair. 

A single line posted by "the_guy" a long time ago got me moving. I will repeat it.

" You are being manipulated, big time, by your wife. Dig"

She waved at him with you there.. My god she has zero respect for you.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Why not test her. Lock your own phone, leave it laying around for her to check up on. Start acting like she does when you receive a text. I will bet it will make her nervous. 

Probably not the greatest advice. But, you know what is going on. Start working on yourself. 180!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

The advice you are being given is spot on. She is most likely still actively engaged in the affair. 

She must be transparent. Her actions destroyed the trust in your marriage. She must work to show she is trustworthy. Unfortunately, that is not happening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

breathe69 said:


> yes she was out all the time, work durning day then out at night.


That must have been quite a party.

Until she got caught. then she stopped for a couple of months until she showed true remorse. Now she can get back to it. Just out of curiosity, did she meet this affair partner on a night out? 

She went out a lot. She met a lot of men. Partied with a lot of men. And she likes it and is chomping at the bit to get back to it.

Here's what you do. You let her go back to the meat markets. Let get out with the toxic gals she's been hanging with. Let her go. She won't suspect a thing. Then spy. Once you bust her, you ALSO bust her for all of those PAST nights she trolled the meat markets. "You acted like THAT all of those nights I was home babysitting your kid"?. Maybe YOU need to see the cell video a good PI will get more than she does. 

She's been with a lot of men. Not sex necessarily. Not even "inappropriate", in many ways. But A LOT of men. She just got caught with the one. You need to see what she does when she's out. Let her go "dancing" with the toxic patrol and get all the proof everybody needs in one night.


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