# Frustrated again



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

For the past month we've been packing, cleaning, moving, moving, moving, getting rid of tons of stuff, unpacking, organizing. It's been exhausting. We used to do it two or three times a week and its been maybe once a week. This past week I felt like my h was distant, we finally got our bed put together Wednesday and I texted him asking if he wanted to try out the new location. He texted back something about how he went to the bathroom and felt something pulling in his scrotum but he would keep me posted. Wth? I don't even know what that means. 
So I just didn't feel like initiating and Thursday I asked him if we could just lay down on the bed and cuddle. So we did and I felt like he just was thinking about other things. 
Yesterday I got my period. I know he doesn't like sex the first few days but I thought since our intimacy has been so rare he might be in the mood to do other things.
We were getting along and laughing and I came on to him and he acted like he had no desire for me at all. After a week of nothing. I asked if I could give him a BJ while I did something to myself and even offered anal and he acted like it was gross. I asked what the problem is and he said blood. I asked him how that would make a difference if I had a tampon in and he didn't have an answer. I felt so unattractive and mad. I just went to bed and he tried to kiss me and I turned away. 
This morning I asked him when he's going to counseling again and asked if I could go to address him not being interested in me. He said he's just so busy with everything with the house and he needs to make lists and then stop working at a certain time. 
I told him I feel like he likes the house more than me. I just started crying. 
We're going to my stepson's baseball game and after that I don't know what to do. I'm tired of having to
Play the thermostat game.
Im feeling really down about it, I never have time to myself to take care of my own needs. I don't know what to do. 
Sometimes I really get why people have affairs. Why should I go orgasmless when I'm married? Why should I feel unattractive when there are many men who would love to be with me? I know that's selfish and I would never do it. I just get how tempting it is now.
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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Sometimes when I'm superduperduper stressed, my desire plummets.
It really might be the move. 

But... it seems like maybe he's being resentful about something?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That's probably it, it's just so hard not to take it personally.
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Damn the coach is hot.....lol
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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Yeah but you know well enough that along with affairs comes a metric ton of emotional weight and garbage to sort though... the kind that either breaks up a marriage and/or takes years to sort though.

Still I understand that it's the frustration talking... I know my mind has gone to places I don't like myself in frustration.

So does all this work have an end date? Do you have to endure another week, two weeks, a month or more of this constant work around the house? If so just try and keep focused on that ending, you need some hope and encouragement that as hard as all this moving about is... that it will end.

I agree with Sowhat that it might be stress related. Still you should ask him to be more loving and encouraging rather than rejecting. It's one thing to so no way that's gross... it's another to say not now babe, but in a couple of days when you're done with your period I can't wait to be with you again.

I'd also ask him why it is that even laying in bed caressing you is hard. I know when things are on my mind and my wife and I are being intimate I just talk about them while caressing her. That way I just get it out of my system, and once it's gone... it's like part of my brain clicks in and realizes: oh wow, there's my beautiful wife!  So encourage him to talk about what's on his mind next time he seems distant.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think he's stressed. It's hard for me because in previous relationships the decline in sex has been the beginning of the end. It's hard to not feel like he's losing interest.
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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I think he's stressed. It's hard for me because in previous relationships the decline in sex has been the beginning of the end. It's hard to not feel like he's losing interest.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh well I can see all the more why you are so concerned. It doesn't have to be the end, things can turn around.

I'd wait until you are all settled and life returns closer to normal before getting too concerned that this is marking a significant change in your marriage.

Difficult times often create difficult situations between people. Keep working and keep hoping for the best.

Once his stress reduces, if things don't improve then perhaps seeing a doctor is the next step. Seeing a doctor now though may likely be pointless... since (s)he'll just say: you're stressed, just calm down and call me later.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I guess I just don't understand why after a week he still has no desire unless he's DIYing which would piss me off. And why can't we do other things? He made me feel like I was unclean or something.
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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I guess I just don't understand why after a week he still has no desire unless he's DIYing which would piss me off. And why can't we do other things? He made me feel like I was unclean or something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he is DIYing... yeah that's him being purely selfish. I really hope that's not the case, but even if it is perhaps if you talked to him and found out.... perhaps it could be turned around?

Some guys seem to freak out about periods (but that's not an excuse). Has your H always been this way?


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Why should I feel unattractive when there are many men who would love to be with me? I know that's selfish and I would never do it. I just get how tempting it is now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think SOOOOO MANY of us have been here!


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> Yeah but you know well enough that along with affairs comes a metric ton of emotional weight and garbage to sort though... the kind that either breaks up a marriage and/or takes years to sort though.



Truer words cannot be spoken.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He has always said that he doesn't like sex during the first few days which I understand. What I don't understand is after a month of infrequent sex that he isn't even interested in a BJ. Seriously feels like I'm begging him to want me and I'm angry.
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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Turning down a bj after an entire dry month? I can only think of a few reasons for that. Something medical? Or he just rubbed one out. Or he has a girlfriend.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He doesn't have a gf. It has been once a week for the past month and before that we would go 2-3x a week. But before we moved we were slowing down because of his headaches. He finally got the right medicine for it and I thought things were going better. 
I'm just going to have to start having private me time in the bedroom. I know he doesn't like it but it's either that or I go have an affair. 
Just now he asked me what was wrong and I said the same thing as this morning, and he said he was really sorry. I just told him I'm tired if talking about it because I am. I told him Im upset but we'll get over it. Talking does nothing but get us in fights where I try to tell him how I feel and that if he won't step up to the plate I'm going to start masturbating, then he gets upset about that and I ask him what I'm supposed to do and he has no answer for it. 
Usually on weekends after the kids are asleep we watch movies and have a drink. I think tonight I'm just going to take a long bath with my rabbit and go to bed early.
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

We talked last night. I realized its the anniversary of a significant date relating to my divorce that was traumatic to me. I am having flashbacks and old feelings coming up that I'm projecting and transferring to him. I told him that and how I'm sorry that lack of sex makes me think he doesn't live me anymore. It's just hard when you've lost everything in the past (job, house, pets, marriage, car, friends, credit rating, half your belongings,) to not be afraid many years later that it could happen again. I hate that my baggage is coming out like this, I'm trying to process it let it go.
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