# advice on how to clear my mind



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

ok, my final projects are due this week and i really have to concentrate on them. i really can't deal w/ his bs this week and although i'll ask him to ease up this week, he won't listen, he never does. so how do i just block him out.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi!

I have seen a hypnotherapist for the past nine months. She has done wonders in this area for me. Meditation is a great thing to learn, since we can't control other people's annoying stuff. Hope you find something that works for you!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I find meditation works really well with focusing. Also exercising.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Everyone has different ways to clear their minds, the trick is to find your way.
What works for me is a walk in nature, a long hot bath 

or...
of course a bowl of ice cream


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

I don't see meditation working as she needs to be able to do school work. Late night I helped my wife with her financial homework and realized just how hard it was to do with the kids running around, the phone ringing and a wife in my ear. 

What I would suggest for Wonder is if you can go to a more private place I would do it. More public libraries have Wi-Fi. Maybe to sell it with your husband you could show him how you could do it in 1/2 the time at the library then it would take you at home with all the distractions.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

get her a nice pair of noise blocking headphones

if she likes music , plug in some easy listening... if she wants quiet, just use them plain.

I got some noise blocking headphones, SONY brand.. they cost about 129.00
and they work awesome good !
Make her .. her own space to avoid distractions.
It sounds like her problem is lack of privacy so she can concentrate.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

They Call Me Smooth said:


> I don't see meditation working as she needs to be able to do school work.


Meditation helps because it allows one to address the annoying nagging problems that interfere with doing homework. It's allowing the unwanted thoughts to come, addressing them, calming them, and then one is able to return to fully concentrate on other tasks.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Thanks for explaining that Blanca. Most people don't have a clue how hypnosis and mediation work. This world could be a much more peaceful place, if more people could go there.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

oh my mymymy just get past your husband and over yourself.

please.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

recent_cloud said:


> oh my mymymy just get past your husband and over yourself.
> 
> please.


and how would you suggest she do that? I only ask because i also am trying to 'get over myself' and i know that's the right thing, but no one seems to know how to do it....


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

recent cloud, i got your message and it's cool. even if you meant to sound mean, i need it. he and i got into it again last night (so much for getting ANY work done). i finally had it w/ him. he once again accused me of being wrong, told me not to send him any more emails to him coz "if you don't have the bals to say it to my face, then don't say it". i'm just tired of him twisting my words around to make me sound stupid. at least w/ the emails, he had time to think before he twisted my words. anyway, he also said he saw a new side of me that he's never seen, me being a mean, nasty b!tch. i told him a long time ago to not make me angry, i'm not a good person when i'm angry. i'm just giving him a taste of his own medicine. he treats people like sh!t all the time, so now he knows how it feels and he can't take it. he was complaining about money, how he gives me $1200 a month and he had to sell some of his stuff. well if he didn't go out drinking all the time, he'd have money. he asked how i knew he went out so i told him all the drinking's making him fat. then he yelled at me about spending his money on me just because i got a tattoo and my nose pierced (things i knew he would hate but did it anyway coz i don't care what he thinks) i told him it was MY TIPS that paid for them. then he got on my case about the money suppose to go to our daughter. i'm paying the bills w/ it so she has a roof over her head, and i buy her clothes and take her out w/ the rest. after all that he said he didn't care how i spend my money. then what the hell was that arguement about? i told him i'll give him the divorce if he gets therapy. he told me blackmail won't work. HELLO, it's not blackmai, i don't want anything out of it, i just don't want him to put another girl through what he's doing to me. i'm nice that way, i'm thinking of others. anyway, i'm just done w/ him. i've got the # for my brother's lawyer and i'll call tomorrow. he said if i give him a hard time, he'll fight me. how stupid is he really? he's the one that left his wife w/ the health problems. he's the one who everyone (his family included) says has the problems, not me. i can destroy him if i want to. but i won't coz i'm nice
the only real problem i'm seeing is i want to move down towards my brother ( cost of living's cheaper and my brother can get me a job w/ him starting at $30000 {a hell of a lot more than i make right now}), but i'm not gonna be able to take our daughter away from him.

sorry for the length. i just needed to get everything out
back to my homework now


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Kick him to the curb, adopt a strictly business like attitude towards him, and go live your life.

Remember that this is a process, a set of stages that you are passing through, but you will come out on the other side and all will be well.
How far away does your brother live?


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

2 hours away, but in the same state. he lives outside philadelphia and i'm in the poconos


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

I think you would definitely be able to argue that moving would be in your daughters best interests, as it would give you the ability to provide her with more resources and therefore a better quality of life. 

I would drive to h*ll and back if I had to do so in order to visit my kids, so 2 hours seems a perfectly reasonable travel time. 

I'm not sure what the law dictates in your state. In Canada, a court can order the parent with custody to remain within a set distance from the non custodial parent, provided the non custodial parent remains in the city which the court edict applies. 

The only other issue you may face if you were to move is a possible reduction in support payments to compensate him for travel expenses...have you consulted a lawyer about the possibility of moving? Are ther any other family or friends living in the same area as your brother? Support networks do weigh in favour of being allowed to move in most cases.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i pretty sure that legally, i can move anywhere i want, in state. i just don't know if taking her that far away from her father will be good for her. right now he's only a 6 min drive. i pass his house every day (not deliberately, his house is on my way to work). i can honestly care less about him right now, i just want to make everything as easy as possible for my daughter. she doesn't deserve any of the crap she's going to have to go through.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

How often does he currently see his daughter ?


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

every day. he has her 2-3 day every other week and every other weekend. on the days he doesn't have her, he comes over after work to see her. 
that's why it's going to be so hard


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Have you mentioned the possibilty of moving to him, and if so, how did he react?


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

not yet. i can't seem to control my temper around him yet and i think that's a discussion to be had when i can stay calm and rational


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

earthmother, it's wonderful (again no pun intended, but what the hell maybe) to see you paying forward what you have experienced and how far you've come. your advice is timely and relevant in my very humble opinion.

wonder, thank you for your gracious acceptance of what i had to say.

i do wish to point out that the key to understanding where you are emotionally in your marriage/divorce is in your insistence that your estranged husband acquiesce to some sort of therapy. you can't see that that requirement portends the culmination of your victim role as well as your predilection to right fight. and you need to understand that truth to move on.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

As far as separation proceedings are going, what are you two doing? Have you each got lawyers yet? Have you considered collaborative law or mediation as a way of helping both of you work through your issues and coming up with a plan? 

What would you really like to do?


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Recent Cloud, 
Thank you.

I am still awaiting your emoticon contribution


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

recent cloud- the whole deal w/ the therapy is this; if i was the only 1 who thought he was messed up and needed therapy, then i would chalk it up to me wanting to be the victim. however, even HIS OWN FAMILY is seeing he's got problems. yes, i'm to blame for my part of our problems, but he won't take responsibility for his. do i want something to be wrong w/ him? no, i just want the both of us to be happy, 1 way or the other. but he's not going to be happy if he keeps thinking everything is everyone elses fault. other people aren't going to want to be around him w/ this new attitude of his.
earth mother- he said he talked to a lawyer last thursday, but he didn't say what they talked about. i'm going to talk to a lawyer that was recomended to me tomorrow. idealy i would love to work everything out w/ him and stay together, but that's not going to happen. so my next choice is to just wash my hands of him. he'll realize what he lost and maybe he'll snap out of it. i will tell him though that once we're divorced, if he ever wanted to get back together, i WILL NOT take him back


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

In my experience, you can't get someone to go to therapy unless they decide they want to go, and even then they may just say they are going in order to help you sort out your issues. My STBX told me he would attend marriage counselling because he thought it would help me sort out my problems since he didn't have any. You can't force people to change and you can't make someone who refuses to accept any of the responsibility or assume any of the blame change the colour of their spots.

You have to look after yourself and your daughter and let him sink or swim on his own - he's not going to be your problem anymore.

However, it does seem as if you are really holding out hope that he will come back...why exactly?


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i'm not holding out hope. i do know that he has remorse over pretty much every dicision he makes coz he never thinks things through or considers the consequences for his actions. he's very much like a child in those ways. and no matter what, i'm still always going to care about him. he was my best friend for 10 yrs and there's a lot of history there w/ us


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

wonder,

what she said.

earthmother.

excuse me, i left out 1970.

you're holding on to some possibility you might get back together, and the most glaring example is you telling him if he divorces you, you 'WILL NOT' take him back. excuse my saying, but that sounds like desperation. and if i can sense it here online, then as f*cked up (read alcoholism) as your huibby/protagonist may be he probably senses it as well.

you say your 'next choice' is to wash your hands of him, and so you admit you haven't yet. that's a big part of the problem.

last, i think: it doesn't matter whether you and his family believe he needs help. therapy is not dictated by democracy. it's an idividual choice.

i wonder (ok, pun intended, always was, i admit it, i just outed myself) if you don't secretly hope he gets help and then asks for your forgiveness for how he has been. that would be a right-fighter's as well as a victim's dream.

i hope my words are seen as helpful and kind.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i'm not desperate to hold on to him. he thinks that if he wants to come back at any time, he can. don't know where he got this thought from coz i don't recall ever backing down to him about serious issues. i say idealy coz isn't that everyone's wish when they still love their spouse? i don't have the switch like he does to just turn off my feelings.
the only thing that's stopping him from seeing his problems is his 1 brother. this brother keeps influencing him in every way. andsince this brother is god to my husband, he only listens to him. my husband's other brother has told this brother to stop trying to make my husband as miserable as he is so he has company and to stay out of it
maybe washing my hands of him is the wrong choice of words. i want to be done w/ this whole ordeal, but he's always going to be in my life coz we have a child together. i don't want him to pass this attitude down to her anymore than he already has. she's starting w/ the "i'm right and you're wrong" attitude, and it's a lot worse than a typical child's attitude.

i'm just tired and done w/ the whole thing


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