# Why the anger..Can someone explain?



## Confusedtothemax (Sep 20, 2008)

Hi, 
Been reading the forums for a few months now and finally decided to post for some help! I am 42 and husband is 36, we have been together 17yrs and have 2 kids 15 & 8. In April I found a strange phone # on cell bill and ?? it to husband. He lied and said it was a male friend from work which in turn he confessed a week later it was a female co-worker(just a friend). Well we had an argrument and things were bad for about a week but we kissed and made up and he told me how much he loved me things went Ok for another week. In the mean time I kept checking cell bill and about a week after making up he called her and was on the phone for 45min. with her. Well I was really pissed and asked him what was going on with her, he said she was just a friend and that she was married and had 2 kids.

Well after that day husband said he was NOT going to stop calling her beacuse it was only a friendship, he also stopped talking to me and told me to stop pushing him . Now I check cell bill daily and they are calling each other 2-3 times a day! It is now the end of May and husband has been sleeping on the couch since our last arguement. I tried to talk to him numerous times but got the same answer"stop pushing me". At the beginning of June I had enough and asked him if he still loved me (he said NO) then I asked him if he wanted a divorce, he said yes!! I asked him to move out and he did 2 weeks later(has his own studio apt.. 

At the end of July he came to the house and spoke to my daughter telling her that he was with someone(the just a friend) but now he tells my daughter that she & her husband are divorce and he just lives there because of the kids. he said that he thinks its his soulmate and he can really talk to her

I had been NC with him intill middle of Aug. when he called to ask me about gas bill, he was calm and talked to me Ok. 

He has been picking up kids on either Sat or Sun and I do not talk to him or let him in the house. On Labor day he called and spoke to the kids, he told D that he had to got to the drs. that he was not sleeping well, had stomach pains, broke out with a rash and was loseing hair due to stress.

The week after this my son was sick and he came to pick them up for the day, well I went on the porch to talk to H and I was shocked, he lost alot of weight and looked very pale,could not see his hair as he had a cap on!

This past Sat. I needed to call H and ask him to at least let me know if he was going to miss a week of child support as he had missed the 2 weeks prior I was very calm when I spoke to him and told him I did not call to argue, his tone of voice was so filled with anger towards me and he was raising his voice! I asked him why was he was acting like this towards me and all he said was "I pushed him" I don't get it!! He should be happy, why is he being such an a$$ to me when this is the 1st time I have called him in 3 mo. Whats going on with him, is he depressed? Or is guilt kicking in? Why the anger towards me when just the month before he spoke to me fine.

Any advice, I am so confused!!


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

When you get tired you will let him go. I have came to that conclusion myself.

N


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Maybe he is sick. I mean.. his health. Some people can't deal with it, and will take it out on a loved one..which in this case.. you. I would get him to go for tests, he could have something wrong with him. I know the way he is acting, he may not go, but I would say don't do it for me, do it for you. He might have caught something from her, for your sake, and your kids, I hope that isn't the case. 
If he wants her, hun, let his mean azz have her, and if he is sick, let's just see if she loves him enough to take care of him.


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

He left you for another woman, and had her divorce her husband too. he wasnt honnest enough to tell oyu the truth and to present it to you in a honest and kind way, he made it like its you and show anger at you, and even now he do that.
my advice, dotn treat him good anymore, dont be kind to him, dont ever care for his feelings again.
Say thing hard, about the childcare be harsh very ahrsh, crave it, be distant towards him, he left you and did so ina very discusting way, after 17 years of marriage, he dont deserve anythign form you any care of any kind. he is a disgrace. 
If he had a little bit of shame he will never talk to oyu htat way and had he a minimum of decency he will be thankfull to you.
You own him nothing, dont worry anymroe abotu him beign angry or pale. He is mad at oyu because he is a bad person who odnt want to admit his errors and dont want to say sorry when he should. he dont deserve that you worry about him nor give it another thought.
If he talk angrily at you agian, speak back and shout real loud and tell him just that, that he should be real thankfull to you and if he isnt happy with hislife now thats not yoru problem! He got what he deserve!


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

Honey said:


> Maybe he is sick. I mean.. his health. Some people can't deal with it, and will take it out on a loved one..which in this case.. you. I would get him to go for tests, he could have something wrong with him. I know the way he is acting, he may not go, but I would say don't do it for me, do it for you. He might have caught something from her, for your sake, and your kids, I hope that isn't the case.
> If he wants her, hun, let his mean azz have her, and if he is sick, let's just see if she loves him enough to take care of him.


they are no longer living together honey.. the man live with that other woman now..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Confusedtothemax said:


> Hi, Why the anger towards me when just the month before he spoke to me fine.


His soulmate is obviously not working out. He's miserable, ill, and realizing he's lost everything. Guess who he is blaming?? You. He's angry because he feels you did this to him by 'pushing him'.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I agree with ljtseg on this one. He thought the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. Now that he's there he is beginning to realize what he has done. He is probably unhappy with his current situation. The fact that he is late with child support tells me he is having money problems. In addition, he is in poor health. He's bitter and that has turned to anger. Have divorce papers been filed? Do you have any desire to reconcile your marriage? I believe he will be coming to his senses soon if you just ignore him (& in his words, "not push"). But what you want to do then will be up to you.


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## Confusedtothemax (Sep 20, 2008)

827Aug said:


> I agree with ljtseg on this one. He thought the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. Now that he's there he is beginning to realize what he has done. He is probably unhappy with his current situation. The fact that he is late with child support tells me he is having money problems. In addition, he is in poor health. He's bitter and that has turned to anger. Have divorce papers been filed? Do you have any desire to reconcile your marriage? I believe he will be coming to his senses soon if you just ignore him (& in his words, "not push"). But what you want to do then will be up to you.


No divorce papers have been filed by either of us! And yes...I would like to reconcile, but I don't think he will admit he was wrong and ask to come home! Do they actully have to hit rock bottom to ask for forgiveness or do they just make pretend and go on living miserable.

Can someone actually fall out of love with you in 1 months time? We have never had any major issues in our time together and it just seems so strange that I still have all this love left after what he has done, and his love for me is gone in the snap of a finger. Will his anger toward me start to fade? I did absolutely nothing wrong, only questioned are marriage.

He rewrote are whole life together before he left(hasn't been happy for a couple of years, only stayed because of the kids..etc)..Were these all lies?? I hear wayward spouses do this all the time but why?


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## robin (Aug 24, 2008)

His anger has to do with his own confusion. He is confused between continuing a relationship with you or someone he possibly has sexual feelings. He is directing that anger towards you. 

I would suggest trying to have a open communication about this situation using I statements maybe even seeing a counselor. If he continues to show that he doesn't want to work on the relationship with you then cut him out and work on recovering. It's a painful process but it's not worth being with someone who is no longer committed. He needs to either pick you or the other woman. 

I hope this makes sense and helps. It's a difficult time. I wish the best for you.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Speaking from my experience, his anger with you will fade. You have to handle it correctly though. Since you want to reconcile with your husband, you've got your work cut out for you. You may even want to seek counseling to make yourself a stronger and better person. Just remember; divorce is the easy route. Reconciliation is the hard and difficult path. 

My therapist gave me some valuable advice a couple of months ago. She said not to even try to have a meaningful conversation with a confused person. She said it has no impact on that person and it is emotionally draining on you. She was right! I know it is HARD to just sit back and do nothing right now. However, that's the best advice I can give you. Let his " infatuation" relationship unravel itself. In the meantime read some marriage and self-help books. As always I recommend the book, The Five Love Languages", by Gary Chapman. Many things will make sense to you once you've read it. Also, the book. "Hope for the Separated", also by Gary Chapman, has given me much inspiration.


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## Confusedtothemax (Sep 20, 2008)

Aug,
Are you and your husband separated? If not, was he also a wayward husband? If so, how long did it take him to come back to reality and come home to you?

Thanks


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Confusedtothemax said:


> Aug,
> Are you and your husband separated? If not, was he also a wayward husband? If so, how long did it take him to come back to reality and come home to you?
> 
> Thanks


Yes, my husband and I are separated. We have been since April. You should see some of my post from the beginning. I'm still in disbelief of some of the stuff that has gone on. Although he has had other women, he always denied it. He still hasn't come back to reality! I think I'm just better at coping now. We do get along better now. At least we go on "dates" and enjoy each others company.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

> My therapist gave me some valuable advice a couple of months ago. She said not to even try to have a meaningful conversation with a confused person.


:iagree:


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