# Custody evaluation



## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

To make a long story short, my divorce was finalized in July, and the court awarded me relocation and primary physical custody for my minor child before the school year started. My ex appealed the custody decision, and the court has ordered a psychological evaluation as part of the process.

I thought I was doing pretty well, all things considered. But I'm completing my survey for the eval, and I am having to write extensively about the reasons my marriage fell apart and deal with the negative emotions again. I know I am right to continue to pursue primary physical custody, even though the situation that I can provide for my son is not ideal for the time being.

I just feel bleak. My ex is manipulative and routinely attempts to persuade my son to tell the court or whoever asks that he wants to live with her. Meanwhile, she is living with her boyfriend...well, I'm just going to stop there. I'd love to move on with my own life, but I can't see asking a woman to put up with the crap that goes along with a custody dispute.

I feel discouraged.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Well, no, dating is probably not a good idea right now.. 

I'm not dating for many reasons, one of which is that my divorce isn't final. Not that I think that's the be-all, end-all, and in fact, I met my STBXH b/c we were introduced b/c we were both going through a divorce. So, we started dating during the divorce process.. 

Believe me, it DOES taint the relationship.. It's something that I think has always hung over our relationship, even though we didn't cheat or start our relationship until we had both filed and moved out.. It did affect things.. 

Secondly, my STBXH DID cheat this time and in fact, moved in with a woman before we even filed. I know that my young kids are going to have a hard time adjusting to that when they finally meet her (we ended up in mediation b/c I'm making him wait at least 5 months before introducing her, he wanted to do it after less than 3 months!). I don't want them to have to adjust to the idea of me dating as well.. I have time to wait. 

I want to make sure I'm in a good, healthy place, both mentally and financially before dating, so that I'm making good choices, and not just picking the first loser that pays me attention.. My kids deserve that, and I deserve that.. 


It's hard, especially when the other moves on so fast, but honestly, they are not doing themselves any favors. Trust me, I remember having to listen to my STBXH fume and fight with his ex regarding issues.. And now his new girlfriend gets to do the same.. It really does taint the relationship. So much negativity. 

And, the fact that you are feeling those negative emotions writing it up, shows that you are still not healed. Get yourself in a good place, b/c you may end up wrecking a good thing with someone else, b/c you might end up taking out your own issues on the new person b/c you're not healed yet, KWIM?

Focus on making that situation for your son ideal. The psych eval will show that. You have plenty of time. When it's the right time and the right person, it will happen. 

But don't feel discouraged. You have nothing but time right now.. Get yourself and your house put together. Then, you'll find someone who you can offer something and who can offer you something in return.. Find your validation from yourself first..


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

thanks Browneyes. Yeah, pretty much resigned on the dating front. I'm not in a rush to find someone, and I am feeling pretty good about being on my own. It just angers me because I feel like my life is still controlled by my ex's whims. 

As far as the negativity goes, the psychologist wants an explanation of the "pertinent events" that led to where we are today. I am finding in retrospect that I'm not as upset by my ex's infidelity as her dishonesty and contempt during the period when we were breaking up. She lied a lot. I don't want to have to think about that time because reconstructing a coherent narrative of events shows the depths of my denial. It reopens the wounds. I know that dealing honestly with the past and accepting accountability for my own failures is a key part of healing. I just don't like having to get into all of the details. Again. I'd prefer to forget them.

She also seems to have completely lost her common sense (though now, in hindsight, I'm starting to see she didn't really have a lot...). I told her how I felt about her introducing her new flame to our 10yo. She pretty much ignored me. We were living (together) in two houses while we were still married, and when we separated, he pretty much moved in with her immediately. I know they were together with the 10yo pretty much from the moment I stepped out the door (while he was with her -- she wasn't too interested in having him around at the time). I had to take care of all the divorce arrangements because she would never have bothered to file, and she still dragged her feet (she waited two months to submit her affidavit to finalize).

Within three months of our separation, she allowed the POS to ambush all three of my kids at a dinner out. My older son (23) was livid, and my daughter (19) was distraught.

My younger son is OK with the POS, but his mother has screwed with his mind and has explained to him that her relationship with him is normal and that I should just move on with my life. Seriously.

I don't want to have to clean up her messes anymore, and I feel like this process is making me have to do exactly that.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I've been through the psych eval. Worked in my favor, tho I am the mother and primary parent for years before that. They are really looking at what is best for the child and don't care about your or her. 

If this is a fair eval like I think mine was, you will have to take your son for several sessions and she will, too. And he will get to speak alone. This is to prevent or reveal that manipulation - you aren't the first one to have a kid who has a parent coaching their replies.

If it's any consolation, it IS a good experience as far as identifying personal issues AND I did get full custody even tho ex was coaching our child to say he was the one she wanted to live with.

They have seen this before. Just focus on what you can give him now AND in the future.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> They are really looking at what is best for the child and don't care about your or her.


Thanks for the perspective! I'm completely skipping over the whole relationship-falling-apart drama in my narrative. If the psychologist wants to know more, he'll have to ask. That is such a relief.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Remember her character and actions are part of the environment that they evaluate when looking at the whole picture, however.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Unfortunately -- for my kids -- I won't lack for material even if I leave the drama out. I just said she had two affairs and had anger issues toward me. Two sentences!

I made it about 1/3 through the eval survey, and have about 5-6 pages of material. My first solo meeting with psychologist is tomorrow.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Just be yourself. They want to get a complete picture of the marital dynamics and your child's place in that, along with what dynamic best suits him now.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

Ok, bits and pieces:


IronWine29 said:


> ...But I'm completing my survey for the eval, and I am having to write extensively about the reasons my marriage fell apart and deal with the negative emotions again. I know I am right to continue to pursue primary physical custody, even though the situation that I can provide for my son is not ideal for the time being.


Don't worry that your position is not ideal - there are plenty of people who are great parents (and the best for primary custody) who are not in an ideal situation at this stage of a break up. You don't have to be perfect, you have to show you are the right person for the job. Focus on positives when you talk about yourself.

Writing about your marriage breakup in detail is tough, but it has to be done so you need to find the strength and get it written. Write a list of key points/events, take lots of breaks - distract yourself with something else that you find calming (I use cleaning, watch part of a TV show or come on here). The key is to take a break BEFORE you need it - don't let yourself get to the point where you are in emotional over-load.

Then write it in chronological order in whatever words come into your head, again taking breaks. Once you have done it, take a BIGGER break from it, leave it til the next day if you can. Then redraft it and cut cut cut until it is down to the bare bones and 99% factual, the 1% emotion can express yourself without sounding like you are not coping or are unstable. Once it is finished - take another big break, again over night if possible. Then accept it might not be finished and read it through, make any changes and send it in - gone, stop thinking about it now and go and do something you enjoy. You need to get it done, so bite the bullet and do it - the sooner it is sent, the sooner you can let go of the emotions it brings up that you are not ready to deal with yet.



IronWine29 said:


> I just feel bleak. My ex is manipulative and routinely attempts to persuade my son to tell the court or whoever asks that he wants to live with her. Meanwhile, she is living with her boyfriend...well, I'm just going to stop there. I'd love to move on with my own life, but I can't see asking a woman to put up with the crap that goes along with a custody dispute.
> 
> I feel discouraged.


You can't stop what she is doing so don't try to and try not to think about it. What you can do is encourage your child to TELL THE TRUTH and say WHATEVER he feels and wants. You are not putting pressure on him to 'choose' you and you are empowering him to make a decision. If you let him know you have his back and love him no matter what he says he will not be getting pulled between the two people he loves most and will feel less stressed about it. He'll appreciate not being put in the middle and he is what matters most - don't worry, kids are smart!



IronWine29 said:


> ...I feel like my life is still controlled by my ex's whims.


Yep, and you're going to get that from time to time even now she is the ex. Take back your power - she is not making you jump through hoops, you are jumping through hoops to get what you want. If she was making you jump through them, you wouldn't be able to walk away, but you can. The reason you're not walking away is because your son is more important than the hoop - focus on why you are doing it.



IronWine29 said:


> As far as the negativity goes, the psychologist wants an explanation of the "pertinent events"...She lied a lot...I don't want to have to think about that time because reconstructing a coherent narrative of events shows the depths of my denial. It reopens the wounds.


You don't need to analyse it right now, just get it written. Honestly, you can read it back later when you are ready to deal with it in that frame of mind, now you just be strong and get it done - take your breaks to distract yourself - now is not the time for analysing it or you would be devouring it and working it out, push that aside until you are ready. It sucks that you have to write it, but you do, so protect yourself emotionally as much as you can while you get it done and ticked off the list.



IronWine29 said:


> I know that dealing honestly with the past and accepting accountability for my own failures is a key part of healing. I just don't like having to get into all of the details. Again. I'd prefer to forget them.


True, but you don't need to go into all that right now. One chunk at a time and move on without allowing yourself to dwell on it. Yes, it will get to you, but do whatever you can to avoid that right now because this is something you must get done, not something you're choosing to face.



IronWine29 said:


> ...I had to take care of all the divorce arrangements because she would never have bothered to file, and she still dragged her feet (she waited two months to submit her affidavit to finalize).


That's frustrating and probably not the first or last time she's behaved like that. Focus on why you keep going, why you don't walk away, not her. She doesn't matter and if she drags it out and you can't do anything about it, let go of the frustration about her doing that and accept some things are going to be dragged out and take longer than expected...but it is all about your SON so worth it 



IronWine29 said:


> My younger son is OK with the POS, but his mother has screwed with his mind and has explained to him that her relationship with him is normal and that I should just move on with my life. Seriously.


If his mother is messing with his head, you just have to work twice as hard NOT to mess with his head. Kids are smart, smart, smart! They learn to manipulate before they learn to talk! As for her 'advice' that you should move on with your life - why are you listening to her 'advice' at all - whether it is said to you or about you - her ideas about your life mean nothing. This is your life and you make your choices, what she thinks won't matter when you're sorted out and happy so don't let it matter now either.



IronWine29 said:


> I don't want to have to clean up her messes anymore, and I feel like this process is making me have to do exactly that.


You have children together so get used to it - sorry! It is likely that you will periodically feel like this, train yourself not to let her get to you this way and to keep your focus on what you want and why you're hanging in there rather than her trying to slow you down or trip you up. If you're running hurdles your focus is not on the hurdles in your way, it is on the finish line and the reward of reaching it.



IronWine29 said:


> Thanks for the perspective! I'm completely skipping over the whole relationship-falling-apart drama in my narrative. If the psychologist wants to know more, he'll have to ask. That is such a relief.


Try to give enough info they don't need to ask for more - they'll still find questions but you'll have more of your side in their minds for their decision...and keep it 99% factual, 1% emotional. I hope some of that is helpful and good luck!!


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

IronWine29 said:


> Unfortunately -- for my kids -- I won't lack for material even if I leave the drama out. I just said she had two affairs and had anger issues toward me. Two sentences!
> 
> I made it about 1/3 through the eval survey, and have about 5-6 pages of material. *My first solo meeting with psychologist is tomorrow.*


Just saw this - tomorrow just take your brief notes then, key events and points you want to make. If you have other meetings then you can have it in more detail for those. Be kind to yourself - there is enough pressure from others without you putting more on to yourself.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I did want to come back and say one more thing.. I completely understand that feeling of failure and humiliation when you look back and realize the red flags and blatant signs they were cheating and the marriage was falling apart. I have struggled with that to some extent myself. I look back and see conversations with people, X's mom and some of his friends, where it is OBVIOUS that they knew he was cheating on me.. And I feel stupid.. 

BUT, here's the thing, and it's what makes me feel a bit better, and hopefully will keep me from becoming bitter.. 

I'm SUPPOSED to trust my spouse. I was supposed to believe in him. The fact that I couldn't and other people knew is a testament to HIS character and not mine. Do you really think that people were looking at me saying, "she's so stupid, he's cheating and really pulling one over on her and she doesn't get it?" or they were looking at us and saying "wow. she has no idea. she loves him and he's out screwing around on her and she has no clue. I feel bad for her." 

I'm going to guess it's the latter. And if it's not, well, they are not the type of people I want to associate with anyway.. 

So cut yourself some slack. You were supposed to trust your wife and your marriage. Even when you were having problems. ESPECIALLY when you are having problems. The fact that you couldn't is on her. 

All marriages have problems. Not everyone cheats.. 

Good luck at the counseling!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Let us know how you felt it went.  I know my court-appointed psychologist gave NO sign at ALL that she was empathetic. She was VERY dry and matter-of-fact, taking notes and asking questions. If I smiled, she did not return that. If I cried she slid the box of tissues over. She was VERY hard to read and had a great poker face. 

But in the end she was the one who diagnosed ex with "NPD so severe that even with long term intensive therapy there is unlikely to to any improvement". Knowing what I was up against after that was SO ENLIGHTENING. The final report is interesting to read because you are reading an objective analysis about both of you. I read how my personality fed into the dynamics of our relationship as well. So it can really be a great personal growth tool. 

Just don't read too much into his expression and don't worry that you get no feedback until it's over. Just be relaxed, honest and yourself.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

The evaluation went very well. The psychologist mostly wanted to talk about the reasons I won primary custody in the first place. I discussed the breakup of the marriage in just in very general terms, focusing on how it affected the children. He wanted to know why my son was living with me throughout the breakup, and about the events that led up to the initial custody order. He was pretty empathetic, and gave me pointers on what to highlight in the survey. So I have a good feeling about the first meeting, anyway.

I can't wait to read what he says about her.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

browneyes74 said:


> I completely understand that feeling of failure and humiliation when you look back and realize the red flags and blatant signs they were cheating and the marriage was falling apart.


I was sooo oblivious. I found incontrovertible evidence from the first affair, and she just denied it. And I BELIEVED her...just accepted her lame explanation, hook, line and sinker.

Thanks for the kind words. It does help knowing there are other people worth trusting out there.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> You can't stop what she is doing so don't try to and try not to think about it. What you can do is encourage your child to *TELL THE TRUTH* and say WHATEVER he feels and wants.


Thank you. I have been telling him that!



MissFroggie said:


> As for her 'advice' that *you should move on with your life* - why are you listening to her 'advice' at all - whether it is said to you or about you - her ideas about your life mean nothing.


She told _our son_ that _I_ should move on with my life. I don't know if that is alienation, but it had to be confusing for him. Who says something like that?



MissFroggie said:


> I hope some of that is helpful and good luck!!


Yes, thank you for your observations. I took some time off work to focus on the survey, should give me the ability to write it in pieces.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

IronWine29 said:


> Thank you. I have been telling him that!Good
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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