# The confession!



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Recently had a short discussion about this aspect with very stbxw. Serial adulterer, all married men etc etc 

Each occasion I felt and saw the signs then confronted. Apart from the last one she collapsed all into a heap of guilt and then it all came out. The last one she denied, gaslighted etc etc but my gut has never been wrong about these and that eventually taking three weeks also spilled out.

She never at any point said I need to talk to you about something so important to us etc etc etc not once ............ I dug - she confessed 

Over time she has managed to convince herself that she knew she could not keep it in and spilled it to me of her own accord !!

So for the second time last week we spoke. She said "I couldn't live with myself and told you about them ... all etc etc" 
I stopped her in her tracks and said okay lets go over that specific aspect once again 

Me "Did you ever once at any time sit us both down and bring this up in terms of what you were doing with other men and confess it to my face" ?

Her (long pause, tears) .........."No"

Me "Did I sit you down and confront you with overwhelming gut feeling and evidence about your affair/s so that you had no more choices? "

Her (longer pause, more tears) "Yes"

Me "Right I think that forever more clears that bit up"!

Clearly her thinking she told me makes her feel she would feel better about it all !........but she didn't and she so dearly wants to believe it to the point where in her head it's true she did tell me !! :scratchhead: 

mm crazy I know
_________

How many of you were 'told' before you had to broach it ?

How many have experienced what I have - their belief that they did actually tell you rather than the truth 

In terms of reconciliation I can't think any one that was not told up front would have any chance of an R.

For those who have reconciled with some real success - waywards - did you tell before you were caught 

Are there any successful recons where the wayward never confessed first?

In my mind this seemingly small aspect seems to be a massive impactive influence of the possible success / future of a broken / repairable relationship


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As you know, I was told before the affair even started, which was bad enough, to be honest. But to find your spouse in bed with someone else?

To have a gut feeling of cheating and to have to use spying and/or a confrontation to get a confession?

Folks, I take my hats off to you. Don't know how or if I'd have coped with that.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> As you know, I was told before the affair even started, which was bad enough, to be honest. But to find your spouse in bed with someone else?
> 
> To have a gut feeling of cheating and to have to use spying and/or a confrontation to get a confession?
> 
> Folks, I take my hats off to you. Don't know how or if I'd have coped with that.


But what if you had not been told Matt? How would you have been about that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Headspin said:


> But what if you had not been told Matt? How would you have been about that?


If I'd found out by accident? I honesty don't know how or if I could have coped.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I always had to drag it out of my STBXW.

She really never gave a real story why.. I think poor therapy and her just lying never allowed for true healing to occur.

I really thought the old therapist was good until I met the one I am going to today.. He pulls no punches..


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

I am just in shock that you men stay with these women. Does it matter if she confessed beforehand or not? You're going to stay with her either way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> I am just in shock that you men stay with these women. Does it matter if she confessed beforehand or after? You're going to stay with her either way.


Leave the one and only love of my life? No. That wasn't an option.

And Headspin, I think I just answered your other question. I would have found some way to cope with discovering after the event. Why? Because I would have had to. How? Goodness knows.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> I am just in shock that you men stay with these women. Does it matter if she confessed beforehand or not? You're going to stay with her either way.


Before I was married and before I had kids.. I would talk a lot of sh1t about how I would bang her in the a$$ and take pictures of it and send them out to everyone if I ever caught her.. I would get a girl and fvck her in our bed for her to catch us.. And a bunch of other nonsense.. 

The first time I caught my STBXW looking to cheat.. I was lucky.. I caught her before hand.. But I found everything.. I found the cloths she was going to wear.. When she was going to meet this man, where.. ETC.. Places they were considering going out to.. 

But I was crushed when I found this stuff out.. 
Here the big macho tough cop.. I chased people down, I fought with Men looking to hurt me to get away from me. I fought hand to hand against a man with a knife.. I've been involved in so many other life ending moments.. 

But now taken down to my knees by someone I would have done anything for.. 

She was my rock, I felt I could have done ANYTHING with her by my side.. She made me feel like a man, that I had some purpose.. I honestly had a good life, better than many. We weren't rich or poor.. But there wasn't many times that we said no to getting something or going somewhere.. We had a decent life...

Marriage with children is much more different. I don't know honestly I think its just something that happen to me when I had kids.. It is like a new set of emotions opened up for me.. 
I cried at sad movies now like the notebook.

I would have forgiven her for many reasons I just can't explain in writing.. 

Look if we are playing a numbers game, then yes.. I am better off today..

Younger woman by 9 years compared to ex.. 
Makes more money than my Ex.. 
Has never cheated on me..
Is better looking..
Is more sexual...
Loves me like I loved my STBXW.. Expresses the same emotions and says the same things to me I said to my wife when she was leaving me.. So I know she loves me..

But its not a numbers game..


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> I am just in shock that you men stay with these women. Does it matter if she confessed beforehand or not? You're going to stay with her either way.


Well in terms of reconciliation I think from what I've seen that the way the confession is achieved is pivotal to the success for the recon.

It seems so rare that the ws ever just owns up straight off the bat which indicates a real opening salvo of remorse.

As I pointed out to mvstbx "it's no use saying you knew I'd catch you because until then you were prepared to just keep going -

.....like you did" 

And in reconciliation which I've done more than once this bit never left me -I always asked myself what would have happened had I not brought it all to the table?

Answer - she'd still be doing it. 

And that answer is never going to sit right with any reconciliation imo 

In terms of divorce it obviously matters a lot less, but it is interesting looking back at failed recons and seeing very easily that my being the instigator of the truth and the discovery was never going to work out 

Be interesting to hear form successful re conciliators what this situation was and how they got past that


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> But now taken down to my knees by someone I would have done anything for..
> 
> Marriage with children is much more different. I don't know honestly I think its just something that happen to me when I had kids.. It is like a new set of emotions opened up for me..
> I cried at sad movies now like the notebook.
> ...


Sadly for you (and that sounds a lot like mine) you've come up with some very good 'definitions' of the power of love and what it does to your mind and how that can conflict with your heart 

Hang in brother


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

What your wife is doing is lying to herself.

Waywards dont' just lie to their spouse, they lie to their friends, their family, the affair partner.. and even themselves.

Your wife cant' be honest with herself. Her lies are so part of her life now that she's deluded and inviting you into that nightmare world.

Just don't fall for it.

Focus on the facts and tell her anything else is pointless to discuss.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> What your wife is doing is lying to herself.
> 
> Waywards dont' just lie to their spouse, they lie to their friends, their family, the affair partner.. and even themselves.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

For me, I don't think it mattered that she didn't just up a confess one day. My wife's affairs, she had two, were so far in the past it wasn't a factor. Her mother told me about the one she knew about 20 years after the fact. Her mother is a liar and manipulator like no other. If my wife had denied it when I confronted her with what her mother told me I would have believed her. Instead, she admitted it and willfully told me about the second affair only she knew about.

Like MattMatt said, I don't know how you do it when you find out while it's happening or shortly after. This hurts bad enough knowing it was long ago and not a current issue.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> For me, I don't think it mattered that she didn't just up a confess one day. My wife's affairs, she had two, were so far in the past it wasn't a factor. Her mother told me about the one she knew about 20 years after the fact. Her mother is a liar and manipulator like no other. If my wife had denied it when I confronted her with what her mother told me I would have believed her. Instead, she admitted it and willfully told me about the second affair only she knew about.
> 
> Like MattMatt said, I don't know how you do it when you find out while it's happening or shortly after. This hurts bad enough knowing it was long ago and not a current issue.


That's an aspect of it I had not considered to be honest - the time factor. I spose I thought in terms of recent 'discovery/confession' when it's all closer 'in the head' although obviously the impact in any adultery is huge no matter when it comes to light


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Leave the one and only love of my life? No. That wasn't an option.


Of course it was an option.



MattMatt said:


> I would have found some way to cope with discovering after the event. Why? Because I would have had to. How? Goodness knows.


Sure, you have to cope, the alternative is falling apart.

But coping doesn't equate to staying with the person.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Are there any successful recons where the wayward never confessed first?
> 
> In my mind this seemingly small aspect seems to be a massive impactive influence of the possible success / future of a broken / repairable relationship


Almost all successful reconciliations are situations where the cheater did not confess, because the cheater almost never confesses. It is a really small minority of cases where the cheater confesses.

In my opinion, the second biggest indicator of whether a reconciliation will be successful is the amount of lying after being caught, after D-day. I have seen many posts where the betrayed spouse says that the lying afterwards, the trickle truth, the minimization was more painful than the affair. In many cases, the affair can be forgiven as bad judgment, poor choices, but the lying afterward is the stumbling block to reconciliation. A lot of reconciliations get de-railed when new facts come to light weeks or even months after D-day, and whatever trust has been re-built is completely destroyed once again.

Of course, the primary indicator of whether a reconciliation will be successful is if the cheater actually ends the affair. If they end the affair, do not take it underground or try to continue it, reconciliation is much easier. It also is more likely in those situations that they will not lie, not trickle truth, and not minimize.

Most confessions I've seen have been for a one-night stand, or a one-time affair, not by a serial cheater.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Well in terms of reconciliation I think from what I've seen that the way the confession is achieved is pivotal to the success for the recon.
> 
> It seems so rare that the ws ever just owns up straight off the bat which indicates a real opening salvo of remorse.
> 
> ...


The key is not to have a second reconciliation. If your wife did not confess, and you caught her, then confronted her, and she immediately began sobbing and begging you to stay with her, then told you the whole truth, and did everything you asked as far as giving you passwords, letting you know where she was going and with whom, and re-built your trust, and in actuality never cheated again, then you probably would be successfully reconciled right now without a confession.

The problem is not that your wife did not confess, but that she cheated over and over again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I most be in the minority.

I busted her with one her last OM and then bamb the last 13 years and 20 OM just came pouring out. Granted it took days, some could argue it was trickel truth but to me it was things she had buried so far back in her memory that it took time to pull out.

She could have keep all thoughs years a secret and I wouldn't have been the wiser.

So ya I caught her with this OM thru text, pics and phone logs but in the end..on her own..my old lady came clean on every painful detail of her "other life".

Something that may have saved her life with regards to the snowball of self distruction she was heading down in the last few years before I started caring about her.

Something happen on that day I confronted her...for both of us.

I'll never forget..[me] "how long has it been going on?" [her] " for the last 13 years!"


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Hi HS

well of course she have to look a way of at least look a little better, you see al humans beings (unless you are a psychopath or sociopath) like to think in ourselves as good guys, nobody grows watching movies and thinking "oohh i want to be the cheater that broke the family, or the corrupted politician who stole millions of dollars, or the guy that rapes the girl while she is death drunk in the bed " every one wants ti think in themselves as good persons that make a bad choice.

The true is that for us who have been raised under moral codes and good families, always will look a way to make our unethical actions less severe of what they are, and cheaters have so many phrases that it almost look like they studied a script befere saying them:

- I never mean to hurt you.
- I never loved him/her.
- Is your fault for neglecting me.
- I thought you were having an affair.
- I thought you did not love me anymore.

And even if they did not believe it before the affair many times they convince themselves that this is the true for the sake of their own image.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

The only person I personally know that confessed without being confronted first was Beowulf's wife Morrigan.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

BTW it called my attention that you metioned that all the OM were married men, I have not read your story but something seems off here, if you had exposed the OMs and the affairs with family friends (yours and OMs) and OMs wives I guess the destruction, humiliation, shame, and consequences every time for both parts (your WW and the OMs) had been tremendous, so I am guessing you have never exposed properly the affairs, or I am wrong and she just does not care about consequences nad hurting everybody around here?

is mean this becuase normally after a full exposure and:

- parents bashing the WS
- friends abandoning the WS
- people gossiping around WS
- people being mean to WS
- kids giving cold shoulder to WS
- OM/OW dirvorcing and families being torn appart.

the WS normally don't fall in bahviours like this again, so this lead me to think that she have never had real consequences of her actions.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

bfree said:


> The only person I personally know that confessed without being confronted first was Beowulf's wife Morrigan.


I know of more cases, but normally are ONS in drunk state or one time encounter where they realize the stupidity of their actions, for example Tears or 20PlusYears's wife here in TAM, I know of others in Love shack.

but in the case of full blown affairs I don't remember someone confessing, well maybe half confessions were thay don't diclose the whole true and they do it to put at easy their mind like Chris989's wife who confessed and emotional affair, when was a PA for more than a year


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

If I recall Beowulf's story Morrigan was in a full blown affair for months, maybe almost a year. She finally broke down confessing to Beowulf the night she ended it. He had no idea and no suspicions. It was a rocky but eventually successful reconciliation.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> Look if we are playing a numbers game, then yes.. I am better off today..
> 
> Younger woman by 9 years compared to ex..
> Makes more money than my Ex..
> ...


So are you saying that you can love the Ex woman who didn't love you and treated you like crap, but can't love this woman who does love you and treats you well?

Hmmm, that sounds strangely similar to the "women love askhole's" and "nice guys finish last" song. Just switch the genders. (of course I acknowledge that nobody cares when either gender sings that song, but just saying....)



Headspin said:


> Well in terms of reconciliation I think from what I've seen that the way the confession is achieved is pivotal to the success for the recon


I really don't think it matters how it is achieved. I can see the outcome will still be the same. You will reconcile as long as the wife says she doesn't want to get divorced.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Sadly for you (and that sounds a lot like mine) you've come up with some very good 'definitions' of the power of love and what it does to your mind and how that can conflict with your heart
> 
> Hang in brother


Sounds like someone who was defined by their wife. This is never good. She should improve your life, not own it. And you better believe she knew how much she defined you, and she allowed that to inform her risk for cheating.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Leave the one and only love of my life? No. That wasn't an option.
> 
> And Headspin, I think I just answered your other question. I would have found some way to cope with discovering after the event. Why? Because I waould have had to. How? Goodness knows.


The love of your life or a soul mate would not cheat on you. You get that, right? And by the way, what was your dealbreaker? I sense you dont have one. If she cheats again will u leave or just cope again?

There is no honor in allowing anyone to treat you bad over and over.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

illwill said:


> Sounds like someone who was defined by their wife. This is never good. She should improve your life, not own it. And you better believe she knew how much she defined you, and she allowed that to inform her risk for cheating.


Absolutely - that's how it ended up but it was not like that for long periods of time earlier in the marriage.

Trouble is with this kind of thing you can never define a moment when "Oh that was it -that was the day when I should have done this or that" - the loss of balance in the relationship is subtle and occurs over time not overnight. 

Of course in hindsight it's all very different but whilst you are in the middle of hanging on for dear life it's very very hard to see the wood for the trees

People may laugh but my biggest regret is nothing to do with her ....

- *it's not finding this place* TAM, years and years ago, because had I then I know in my gut seeing the advice that is handed out here, how I would have dealt with it and saved many wasted years


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> I really don't think it matters how it is achieved. I can see the outcome will still be the same. You will reconcile as long as the wife says she doesn't want to get divorced.


Your opinion of course 

Mine is, from what I see, that there is a big deal about how everything spills out.

Dragging every last bit from the WS who has not confessed but got caught is just so trickle truth and zero respect and just that alone makes everything thereafter that much more difficult.

I'd say the chances of a reconciliation with the perpetrator having confessed has to be better than never really owning it or choosing to own until you got caught


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

illwill said:


> The love of your life or a soul mate would not cheat on you. You get that, right? And by the way, what was your dealbreaker? I sense you dont have one. If she cheats again will u leave or just cope again?
> 
> There is no honor in allowing anyone to treat you bad over and over.


Correct again *BUT that is the theory of it NOT the reality* - we all often say how we'd deal with this or that problem but often under pressure people do not react like they think they would.

I think for me anyway the defining undercurrent of my responses was that we were a family and that changes everything - you see a wonderful home family kids developing through life you all meet the struggles together and there is then so MUCH to lose when the boat is rocked 

No kids, single people ? - completely different scenario and feel to all of it 

There's a lot less to lose 

Of course I did have deal breakers, we all do in our head, but to my own amazement once in the middle of the fire and the loss of it all, that line starts to change in your mind as you seek to save what you perceive to be the most valuable things in your life

I think there are very few people who can actually say under ANY circumstance THIS is my deal breaker and no matter what the criteria it breaks the deal for me - end of 

Only my personal opinion but as one who has done it I think it takes a lot more courage to try and save something and put yourself on the line whilst doing it BUT of course if it fails then.........you ending looking very foolish stupid and weak

One thing about infidelity I now know that nobody who has not been touched by it can in any way comprehend the colossal irreparable damage to everything about one's life from top to bottom hence why this place is such a supportive resource


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Correct again *BUT that is the theory of it NOT the reality* - we all often say how we'd deal with this or that problem but often under pressure people do not react like they think they would.
> 
> I think for me anyway the defining undercurrent of my responses was that we were a family and that changes everything - you see a wonderful home family kids developing through life you all meet the struggles together and there is then so MUCH to lose when the boat is rocked
> 
> ...


I went through it and did what i always said i would. I left. And i had kids. No excuses. The issue is how well do you know yourself? And guess what, many people did the same thing i did.

Its only theory if you also did not suffer through it.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

I too wish I would have found TAM 3 years ago when I first found out about my W's affair and my head and world exploded. I only found out about it 5 months ago and everything opened up. 

I realize NOW how my W's actions, gaslighting, lying, going underground, burner phone, lying to family, blame shifting, etc. were almost like reading from a script. It opened my eyes incredibly. The sad thing is to this day she still doesn't see it. 

In going through my own experiences and from reading many other stories the WS generally falls fairly cleanly into one of two categories. They are truly remorseful and work HARD to rebuild a marriage or they aren't(just remorseful for getting caught, not for what they have done) and continue coasting until the BS finally says enough. I'm sure there are shade of grey but in looking back at my situation(coasting) and reading many stories this seems to be what happens normally.

In my opinion people in general are just built one way or the other. Who do you want to be with?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Headspin said:


> No kids, single people ? - completely different scenario and feel to all of it
> 
> There's a lot less to lose
> 
> resource


I couldn't agree with you less. I actually resent this statement. I am now 42 and have wasted ten years of my life with a women who cheated on me and didn't want kids. Just because I don't have the problems associated with children in a divorce does not mean my loss is less difficult or easier to get over. I personally cringe at the idea of marrying a women who has children from another marriage and I think it will make my decisions on choosing a partner much more difficult. We're as two divorcee's with kids are more compatible since having children already is part of both their stories. 
Now being 42 it will hard for me to be as "picky" as I was when I was 31. Most women at 42 have kids and I run into the chance of dating a women who is in their early 30's and would then have to deal with a significant age difference and "generation gap". 

I think it is a lot easier for person who is divorced with children to have a better chance at marriage again. It may be more difficult to settle a divorce and the divorce may take longer but chances are higher to find someone with kids already as they themselves already do.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Headspin said:


> I think for me anyway the defining undercurrent of my responses was that we were a family and that changes everything - you see a wonderful home family kids developing through life you all meet the struggles together and there is then so MUCH to lose when the boat is rocked
> /QUOTE]
> 
> Again, my stbxw was my family and so we're the in-laws. I lost them too and they lost me. You are no different then me in this situation, even though you want to be. Sorry your here but your perception is skewed. The truth is affairs happen in happy marriages too. There is not always a reason that the ws cheats. It could happen to any marriage at any time.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> I couldn't agree with you less. I actually resent this statement. I am now 42 and have wasted ten years of my life with a women who cheated on me and didn't want kids. Just because I don't have the problems associated with children in a divorce does not mean my loss is less difficult or easier to get over. I personally cringe at the idea of marrying a women who has children from another marriage and I think it will make my decisions on choosing a partner much more difficult. We're as two divorcee's with kids are more compatible since having children already is part of both their stories.
> Now being 42 it will hard for me to be as "picky" as I was when I was 31. Most women at 42 have kids and I run into the chance of dating a women who is in their early 30's and would then have to deal with a significant age difference and "generation gap".
> 
> I think it is a lot easier for person who is divorced with children to have a better chance at marriage again. It may be more difficult to settle a divorce and the divorce may take longer but chances are higher to find someone with kids already as they themselves already do.


There are a lot of great sexy, funny, single moms out there. Do not limit yourself.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

someone else busted my wife...and she has been 100% honest/transparent since the bust...she claims to have NOT lied to me at all, she only hid it from me...but ONCE I started asking, she was 100% truthful...yay me!!!!

In a weird twisted sick way, I see her point...but im sorry, deceiving is still lying, in fact its worse, as it takes a lot of planning and maintanance to work...a lie is instant and once its told, its over, but deception goes on and on and on


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

My stbxw left me and didn't tell me why. Things with the posom had ended by that point. I had to coax it out of her after she left. She had no intention of telling me. We tried R, I ended it.

I can't see there being a successful R if the WS doesn't offer up the truth first, of their own accord.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> someone else busted my wife...and she has been 100% honest/transparent since the bust...*she claims to have NOT lied to me at all, she only hid it from me*...but ONCE I started asking, she was 100% truthful...yay me!!!!
> 
> In a weird twisted sick way, I see her point...but im sorry, deceiving is still lying, in fact its worse, as it takes a lot of planning and maintanance to work...a lie is instant and once its told, its over, but deception goes on and on and on


Almost word for word the same bull$h!t I got. Don't fall for it--she has no rpt no point. Deception, whether by omission or commission, is still deception, and the point of lying is to deceive.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Healer said:


> My stbxw left me and didn't tell me why. Things with the posom had ended by that point. I had to coax it out of her after she left. She had no intention of telling me. We tried R, I ended it.
> 
> I can't see there being a successful R if the WS doesn't offer up the truth first, of their own accord.


Its rare but it does happen sometimes.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Gonnabealright said:


> I couldn't agree with you less. I actually resent this statement.


No offence but sorry about that I stand by every word 



Gonnabealright said:


> .... Just because I don't have the problems associated with children in a divorce does not mean my loss is less difficult or easier to get over.


No it IS easier to get over if you don't have kids - end of - I think your as wrong as you can be - children in a marriage and losing them is no question a massive difference - a completely different ball game. One cheating scumbag being responsible for wrecking your marriage and the result is you lose your kids !? as opposed to two arguing adults who can go their separate ways and you don't have see them ever again - something I dream about.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Gonnabealright said:


> Again, my stbxw was my family and so we're the in-laws. I lost them too and they lost me. You are no different then me in this situation, even though you want to be. Sorry your here but your perception is skewed. The truth is affairs happen in happy marriages too. There is not always a reason that the ws cheats. It could happen to any marriage at any time.


Sorry but the kids are everything - they are a game changer

You can always get over losing your in laws or your sister in law 

Your kids - NEVER 

Nothing skewed about my feelings there


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

illwill said:


> I went through it and did what i always said i would. I left. And i had kids. No excuses. The issue is how well do you know yourself? And guess what, many people did the same thing i did.
> 
> Its only theory if you also did not suffer through it.


I envy you that. Wish I could have had the strength to do it but I chose to 'chase' what I thought what I perceived to be mostly a very very good marriage apart from stbxw personality flaws and streak of selfishness that would undoubtedly destroy us no matter what I did 

I do know myself well or have learned even more about myself and that is not always good - I'm fallible and weak like many but I want what is best for my partner / wife but hopefully will have learned to enforce boundaries to the point where if someone chooses to hurt me again it will all be over very quickly rather than a slow painful death that wipes me out 

I gradually imperceptibly over time became a doormat without even knowing it and then when I did it was too late. That will be the last time


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> Look if we are playing a numbers game, then yes.. I am better off today..
> 
> Younger woman by 9 years compared to ex..
> Makes more money than my Ex..
> ...


If you live long enough HTH you know it is a numbers game. I've got 20 years with a gal that thinks I hung the moon. I compare that now with a woman who I, at one time, thought hung the moon. I look at the last 20 years and I thank God I was so lucky. I didn't realize that to start with. When you've accumulated sufficient time her and look back and think what your life would have been like with without her, and how your needs and comfort would have always be secondary to the exs wants and desires, you'll understand. 
I've always said your satisfaction is not dependent on how much you love her. It depends on how much she loves you. You see my man, your love and your need ain't gonna ain't turn hell into heaven.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Headspin, why do you have to lose your kids? Even on the days you dont have them, you call and skype them.

Nothing stops you from going to all school related activities. In many ways i became a much more involved father.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

illwill said:


> Headspin, why do you have to lose your kids? Even on the days you dont have them, you call and skype them.
> 
> Nothing stops you from going to all school related activities. In many ways i became a much more involved father.


No it's not the same - I've always been involved 

I was a full time stah who also worked whilst she worked part time and had the life she 'wanted'

My daily contact with the kids was full on every day since they were out of nappies (diapers)

From the moment she set up the schedule the 3 days to her - I lost them. Every day the are not physically here with me I have lost them - they should be and there aren't any satisfactory reasons why they are not - and it hurts deeply

My work is from home and that's why a I have always fitted in the kids around my life - actually its easy. I've never missed a school, function event. After losing the extra day I had in court, I miss them even more 

I fill up the days when they are not here with all my work but frankly it's really hard still when they are not here 

I phone them to say goodnight on the days when they are with her and she will have posom around for the evening in the background and I just want hellfire to start, which is difficult and that sets off sh"t for an hour or so, then I'm fine 

Make no mistake I lost them. I dont care what any other BS father may say about "but you still have three days etc etc" 

I lost them.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

We all have to let our children go. It is the natural order of things. And we all deal with it. Its been that way since forever.

You need to believe you lost them in order to justify taking her back.

Of course i could be wrong.

So be it. I wont burst your bubble.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Make no mistake I lost them. I dont care what any other BS father may say about "but you still have three days etc etc"
> I lost them.



But they did'nt lost you!
It's just different now.... you are right about how you feel, but I dont agree about the lost. Your xW can eat shxt because YOU will always be ther for them, and they will see it!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

illwill said:


> We all have to let our children go. It is the natural order of things. And we all deal with it. Its been that way since forever.
> 
> You need to believe you lost them in order to justify taking her back.
> 
> ...


But there's no taking her back not an option really - we are very nearly finally divorced


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Headspin said:


> No offence but sorry about that I stand by every word
> 
> 
> 
> No it IS easier to get over if you don't have kids - end of - I think your as wrong as you can be - children in a marriage and losing them is no question a massive difference - a completely different ball game. One cheating scumbag being responsible for wrecking your marriage and the result is you lose your kids !? as opposed to two arguing adults who can go their separate ways and you don't have see them ever again - something I dream about.


Yes the situation is different I'm not denying that. The pain that your going through is no different that all of the other bodies on the pile that post here have, myself included. We all go through the same emotions. That is what we have in common therefore no different then me. You won't lose your kids, read more here. A lot of people have better relationships with their children then ever before. Your scared. I wasn't trying to pin you in a corner either. Sorry your here.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HtH,
This is an incredible post. 

Your current wife is very lucky to have you. And your ex misses the hell out of you.







Hardtohandle said:


> Before I was married and before I had kids.. I would talk a lot of sh1t about how I would bang her in the a$$ and take pictures of it and send them out to everyone if I ever caught her.. I would get a girl and fvck her in our bed for her to catch us.. And a bunch of other nonsense..
> 
> The first time I caught my STBXW looking to cheat.. I was lucky.. I caught her before hand.. But I found everything.. I found the cloths she was going to wear.. When she was going to meet this man, where.. ETC.. Places they were considering going out to..
> 
> ...


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

When I recovered all the POSOM's FB messages to my wife, I had her so dead to rights, that you couldn't even call what she told me a confession. More of a filling in the occasional blanks.

For the most part, I knew what they did, when they did it, where they did it, and how they thought about it.

She couldn't gaslight, she couldn't deny. She barely even attempted to blame shift.

Some time after getting caught, she messaged the OMW and told her that she "confessed" to me what she did; that she told me the truth, unlike the POSOM. I had to laugh at her. As if there was much left I didn't know, and as if she had a choice.


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