# HELP! - 12 year old daughter issues



## Mrs. Cruiser (Jul 25, 2011)

How do I begin? My husband and I have 3 kids, ages 12, 9 and 5. Our oldest, a 12yr old girl, is bright and social. She is well rounded and is willing to try new experiences but still is looking for her passion. Last year she volunteered almost 90 hours to community service because she wanted to.

All this aside, we are having issues with her. I am finding it difficult to trust her word. Most recently I emptied out a bag of hers that she brings regularly to our pool club and found some items of which the origins were unknown to me. Sunglasses, a LOT of candy wrappers and some fake gems.

The sun glasses she found at the pool club. I made her bring them back and put them in the lost and found. I don't abide by finders keepers, losers weepers. 

She told me the candy wrappers were from last year. Um, gross and not a chance! She has been buying candy from the snack bar and bringing home the wrappers instead of throwing them away. I usually pack food, lunch and snacks, and require the kids to ask before buying. Where is she getting the money from anyway? This has been an issue in the past - I have found food wrappers in her bedroom... under her pillow, next to her bed, in her desk... I don't allow food in the bedrooms and I don't like sneaking.

The fake gems... When I asked her about it she "couldn't remember" until I revoked all electronic privileges and sent her to her room until she could remember. That took about 5 minutes till she confessed. Apparently she picked them up at a 2nd hand store and was going to ask me, but I was preoccupied so she put them in her pocket and forgot about them. Ugh! I want to be able to trust her. I am seeking honesty from her. And I worry about where this can lead to as she gets older.

Can anyone offer any insight for me? Ideas? How would you deal? These examples come from a 1 day incident of my cleaning out her bag. I want to be able to trust her and I want her to be a contributing member to society. 

There are other issues we deal with as well, but not ones that break our trust. They include not being able to tolerate eating noises from family (not friends), acting annoyed and wanting to be alone and away from family, but I see some of these in other kids and seem to be normal growing pains. 

Thank you all so much for reading and commenting.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My daughter's 18 now, but when she was 13 she got caught shoplifting. Not a happy day. She actually was handcuffed and put in a cell by the cops, so I didn't freak her out any more than that by punishing her additionally, and she's never done it again.

Anyway, she needs kudos for telling the truth, but consequences for taking stuff. Make her take the gems back to the store and tell them what she told you. And apologize for it.

She sounds like a great kid. I am not in favor of 'punishing' - natural and logical consequences are far better tools IMO. Grounding, taking privileges away etc. doesn't really teach them much except that you can make them do what you want, which they grow to resent.

And contrary to many people's opinions, acting like you trust them works better than acting like you don't and snooping for stuff all the time and making her show you what's in her bag. Assuming they're misbehaving results in them misbehaving. Assuming they aren't results in them behaving, for the most part. That doesn't mean it should just be left alone - check in with them every once in a while - "Hey, has anything landed in your bag lately that maybe shouldn't have?" and then take them at their word.

That's my take on it anyway. I believe most kids want to do what's right, not that they want to misbehave.


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## Mrs. Cruiser (Jul 25, 2011)

In our house electronic privileges are just that.. privileges, not rights. They are first to go and the kids know it. The plus side to this is the many other ways they find to entertain themselves when they "unplug." (which we sometimes do just because)

I also want to add that I wasn't checking up on her when I went thru her bag. As mentioned it's a pool bag. She tends to leave reusable water bottles and dirty laundry in it (suits, towels, etc) that need to be washed. And it's a see-thru mesh bag so I knew mostly what was in it. It could have been Mary Poppin's bag for all she had in it! LOL

That aside, my kids are young. They know that I can spot check. I normally don't. But in this case, I think I discovered something that needed disclosure! For the most part I do act with trust. My issue is that she is showing me that I should not.

Thank you for commenting!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> And contrary to many people's opinions, acting like you trust them works better than acting like you don't and snooping for stuff all the time and making her show you what's in her bag. Assuming they're misbehaving results in them misbehaving.


Actually that's an observation deviation. When you assume they misbehave you find much more of misbehaving than if you assume they behave. 

Every kid this age misbehaves. It's what you do after they do it that really matters. There is got to be consequences. Clear and constant consequences. And it's got to hurt them (no computer? Alright i'll just use the Playstation instead... Doesn't work).



> I want to be able to trust her and I want her to be a contributing member to society.


So far so good. Nothing of what you describe her is THAT bad. Have a talk with her. Tell her that honesty is very important and that lying or hiding the truth will do her no good on the long run. 

You're a vigilant mum, i wished every kid had one...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

costa200 said:


> Actually that's an observation deviation. When you assume they misbehave you find much more of misbehaving than if you assume they behave. .


That is true, but don't you think that assuming they're doing good things will spur them into living up to your view of them? If you assume they're going to get into trouble, they're more likely to actually get into trouble because you already think they are getting in trouble.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> That is true, but don't you think that assuming they're doing good things will spur them into living up to your view of them? If you assume they're going to get into trouble, they're more likely to actually get into trouble because you already think they are getting in trouble.


Yes, expecting better of them increases chances of them reaching the marks. But i'm separating that from actual surveillance. You can keep an eye on what they are doing (you expect them to screw up) but you don't demonstrate openly that you expect them to misbehave. Am i making myself clear? 

And example is allowing your kid to go out and say "i expect you home by midnight, no excuses, no exceptions". Then you keep yourself awake waiting for the arrival and you mark the time they arrive but you get out of sight if they arrive in time. You kept surveillance but you demonstrate trust (at least the kid will get that you do). Next day you ask at what time did he/she get home.

If the kid arrives too late, then there's hell on earth


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I see. My kids never had bedtimes, but I still get your point


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Twelve-year-old girls can be hard to figure out sometimes. They aren't exactly children any more and they aren't adults either. I've had my share of ups and downs with two 12 year old girls and a 12 year old boy. By the time our children were 12, we found that treating them more like adults was far more productive.



Mrs. Cruiser said:


> She told me the candy wrappers were from last year. Um, gross and not a chance! She has been buying candy from the snack bar and bringing home the wrappers instead of throwing them away. I usually pack food, lunch and snacks, and require the kids to ask before buying. Where is she getting the money from anyway? This has been an issue in the past - I have found food wrappers in her bedroom... under her pillow, next to her bed, in her desk... I don't allow food in the bedrooms and I don't like sneaking.


Does she have food allergies? Does she not have any discretionary money of her own? I'm really not trying to pick on you, but I think this is a bit too rigid for a 12 year old. She's at the age where she needs some freedom and can begin making some decisions for herself. I'm not saying it's okay to break household rules (i.e. like eating in the bedroom). Open discussions seemed to work best for us.

My children always had the opportunity to earn money by either doing some things around the farm, our store, or the house. That way they learned to budget for things. We allowed them to buy what they wanted (within reason, of course) with their money. They learned to work, make decisions, and set goals. Fortunately shoplifting was never an issue since it was within their power to buy an item once they saved up enough money.

Always keep communication open.


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## Mrs. Cruiser (Jul 25, 2011)

Yes, she does have her own money. Her difficulty is that no matter where we go, she always finds something that she "needs" and when the answer is no, the tears start to flow. 

Financial responsibility is definitely something she needs to work on. But in the mean time it is affecting her trustworthiness.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My first kid did that when he was around 5. After I got over the shock that he took something from a store, I had him take it back and apologize. Then I started giving him an allowance. A kid needs some kind of control over their life and let's face it lack of money for a kid is an issue. If they don't have legit currency they'll use cunning. Lack of money in our society is equivalent to lack of voice for making independent choices, and your daughter has shown that she does make a lot of good choices. 

The sunlgasses it might be she didn't know enough to turn them into lost and found, if she really did find them. This past week my daughter has found two necklaces. I made her hang them in places where they could be found should their owner come looking for them. One was at a laundromat and the other was I think at a park or something, I forget. But in our town those things will hang there for months if their original owner doesn't come to claim them any time soon, that's just how it is around here. My daughter is 8 but I can see a kid not getting that til a bit older if there hasn't been a chance for a learning situation.

Honestly, I think she is more demonstrating a need for money and the freedom of choice and getting out from so much control about getting stuff only by going through you, she is 12 and in other respects she does sound responsible. Kids do need money, and it's not like a 12 year old can earn it the way we used to when I was a kid. I could get $50 a week babysitting and another $15 through a paper route just one day a week. In the 70's that was a lot of money for a 12 year old. I was hardly ever home, I just took my homework to the places where I was sitting. I got my papers on my own and delivered them. Now it's normally not okay for kids that young to be sitting in remote places minding young kids even babies. People would say you were crazy for hiring a preteen to do that until the wee hours or for entire day at a time. But at the same time, now, kids have more need for money. So the ability to earn income has declined, and the need for it's gone up. I can really see why some kids get frustrated and bored and raid the liquor cabinets and huff. They're ready for work and more responsibilty and instead our society treats them like babies who don't know any better. Yet technically they have the exact same biology and neurological systems that the 12 year olds of former societies had. Go figure.


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