# Need advice



## dore (Sep 7, 2009)

I am new to this site and could use some advice regarding my husband of 37 years. He is retired and I work full time. He doesn't have much of a life now and has always been rather flirtatious with the ladies. Our marriage has had its ups and downs as most do. Over the years I have caught him in some lies regarding other women that he has had feelings for. This all occurred when he worked about 200 miles from home and would be gone from Monday thru Friday and lived at a hotel. I still don't know all of what went on back then and I suppose I never will.
We now have no real life together. He isn't affectionate any more, despite my telling him, asking him, showing him that I could use some affection and that I still have feelings for him that way. He is just not interested. I try to start conversations with him and get silence in response a lot of the time. He does have a few medical issues but I have been a supportive partner to him regarding this, and I feel every aspect of our lives together.
So recently I discovered that he is lying to me and emailing several women. One is his former secretary whom he told me he would no longer contact. They had a very, very close relationship and he has hidden things about her in the past. The other is another woman he knew from work (both these women were from when he lived in the hotel during the week, 200 miles from home). When I asked him point blank if he still emailed this woman he said no, which I know is a lie. He also connected with a woman on Classmates and they email each other frequently and have pet names for each other. He flirts with all these women and compliments them. I can't remember the last time he complimented me!
He keeps all this secret from me and doesn't know I am aware of it. He's done this in the past and when I finally confronted him he lied, yelled, etc. And then he'd just change his password or get a new email account and keep doing what he'd been doing. Yes I've been snooping in order to find this out, but after all the lies over the years, I can no longer trust him. I guess I'm foolish enough to still love him and still want to fix our marriage, even after all these years. I am unable to ignore these email flirtations of his, especially considering how he treats me most of the time. So I am asking if anyone has any advice for me? I am totally at a loss as to what to do! I already went the counseling route and it didn't really help. And my husband will not go to counseling. I tried getting him to go with me years ago and he wouldn't go then and won't go now.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

wow you've been married along time and it does not sound like its been too good.
I have seen much in my life and I am going to tell you after this long, to divorce him would mean major changes in your lifestyle that would not be to your advantage.
I had a friend in your situation exactly. I went to college with her. She was much older than I was and I didn't fully understand at the time her thinking...
but as I grew older I did and have come to respect her as a very patient and wise woman. Much stronger than anyone I had ever met.
What she did was leave him alone and get on with her life. This is how I met her, taking some classes. Her husband also had some health problems, he also smoked and drank. She gave him what he wanted, peace and his habits.
She got on with her life, made friends, found fun things to do. He died and she had the body removed, threw out the chair he sat in
and was able to retire in comfort. She told me if she left him after that long, it would be like starting over and all the suffering he had put her through, she was not going to just walk away and start over in her 50's.
I didn't understand it much at the time but I've seen it happen again and again with women in the same situation, long time marriages with stubborn, selfish men. What you do is your choice, just saying what I've seen other women do and why they did it.

I guess its called turning the blind eye.
?

You could stop working and just go to school, he will make sure his computer doesn't get cut off so the bills will be paid. Men like this often will not divorce because they fear losing their retirement and having to go back to work.
Carefully look at the situation and what will be to your best advantage as from what you write, your marriage ended long ago.

If you stay with him for economic reasons, be sure you set up your own sleeping arrangements in your own room, give him all the rope he needs and give yourself some peace and rest ! Sounds like you need it !

In most states if he leaves, runs off with his old secretary ( highly doubt that will happen) you will get the house ( he abandon you) , and after being married so long, you will also get half his retirement, after you turn 62 you can also get half his SS pension. You'll be set up.

The only reason to leave him now after everything going on so long is if you are independently wealthy ( by gift, or device) and can. Most people are not so fortunate.


Life can be harsh, some choices hard, but be sure to take care of yourself because nobody else is going to do it.


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