# 7 years of red flags...



## needinghonesty (Jul 15, 2012)

I'm not sure where to begin. I have been married for just over 7 yrs. 6 seperations and one divorce from the same woman, me being the one that left each time. We met on a social dating site. 
The marriage began wrong. What I mean by wrong is we were arguing tooth and nail and not getting along before we even got married. When I seen how conflicting things were, I talked to her explaining, "maybe we should be friends before marriage." She simply got up, walked to the corner of the room, sunk down in the corner, started crying allowed and said how can i do this to her and all she wanted was her girls. The next day we were married at the local legal agency.
When we met online, her profile and the things she told me about herself, previous marriages, physical aspects, background were all off from the truth. Marriages for example; she said at the time was married twice, reality; married 3 times and another over 7 yrs together but never got married. So 4 serious long term relationships that failed.
She has 3 daughters from the first marriage and at the time we met I was told they were in their teens and decided to go live with their father. She explained to me crying over the phone she didnt want to be a bad mother if she signed the paperwork for the girls to go live with their father. Reality; she lost custody of the girls early on when they were little due to an attempt to comit suicide and was placed in a mental hospital for a month.
She is raised in a family where all the sisters and mother has hidden post office boxes, checking accounts and other things that are hidden from the husbands, she swears she isnt her sisters and mom and I should never accuse her of being that way. 6 months after our marriage she signed for a credit card in my name for $10,000 w/o my approvel or knowledge of it until it came in the mail and I seen it. That credit card was maxed out so she could have a tubel reversal so we could have a baby. I had $7,000 in savings when we met, a year after our marriage I was filing bankruptsy. We have been maxed on our debt to income for the whole marriage no matter how much i disguss it with her.
I have a B type personality and cant stand conflict, she has a A type and loves debating, she has been a legal secretary for 14 years.
Through out our marriage I have cought her do questionable things, ie; When we were sepearted(by miles not relationship) we were chating on yahoo IM w/ webcams. I saw her smile then sink in her chair so I couldnt see her on camera again. I asked what she was doing, she said "Jerry"(not real name) her ex signed on. You have to "except" the chat for it to pop up and him see her so I know thats what she did. She stayed conversing with me and him at that time, not remembering now the excuse she gave for the justification. To this day she says she don't remember it ever happening.
When I was in my home state-west coast and her in hers-the south, prior to us getting married but we were already saying I love you, she contacted me stating she had a male friend that had a daughter who was in the hospital due to drugs. She said he wanted to talk to my fiance at the time over dinner and just have someone to talk to. I asked if they had ever been in a relationship or dated or any connection in that matter in any way, her answer was NO he was just a friend. I didnt like it but I agreed as long as they had never been together in anything more then friends. Later I found out they met on a social dating website to hook up and she says they didnt hit it off so they just stayed friends. I told her she lied to me and she said it is and opinion on what dating and all that is. He was an E-7 stationed in the Army in northern AL.
I could go on and on of red flags through out the 7 years. We have EVERYTHING joint. The most recent is, when we were going to counseling my counceler sugested us have some kind of indipendence. So we talked and we got seperate facebooks. We had another blowout over my reletives being too close and I left and decided to call it quits after marriage counceling and personal counceling. There was too much conflict and not enough happy times to include shady stuff. After her going home then me getting lonely and calling her back to try and work things out AGAIN this time trying to fall in love again and building a new foundation, we got back together. After getting back together we restarted our joint facebook. We still have our old facebooks but not using them. We recently was going to the old once to pull pics off. One day last week I went to them to do the same and I discovered under her "Activities and Interests" the word Zoosk. I didnt know what it was so I hovered the mouse curser over it and it said "The Romantic Social Network." I looked at what she had for profile stuff like Married and it was all up there, Married to me and the last lacation I was stationed. So in my mind she should not have anything like that or be doing anything like that as long as we were married or together. I print copied the facebook page and Wikied the Zoosk website. It defenetly is a dating site. I print screened the Zoosk page as well. then I sat on it for a few days to figure out how to deal with it. Finaly she noticed I was distant, Im very effectionate if everything is fine. I just came out and asked her, "have you been on ANY dating social network websites since we been together?" her answer, "NO, well when we seperated I got on Hot or Not." I said, "so no other website?" She said "no". I asked her what Zoosk was, she said she had no clue. I pulled out the 2 documents of the FB print screen and the Zoosk wiki. She said she had no clue how it got there. Some how it was just there. She swore on her daughters lives she didnt know what it was or why it was there. Two days ago I noticed the Zoosk is now no longer on her FB. So I print screened the new page w/o it. When I brought it up to her about noticing it was gone, she was acting like she didnt know what I was taling about. When I had to break it down and expaling the FB web page and her personal interests now was changed then she just said,"ok, I took it off." Then she went on to saying how "MAYBE" she might have got on there and just answered some questions and that was all but couldnt remember but never got on since.
Sorry this is so long but there are so many more questionable things. When has a marriage had so much red flags that I need to just pull the plug and move on. I feel that if you cant give your soul to your partner in life you shouldnt be married. I know marriage takes work, but to what extent. All the signs to include my gut tells me she is not faithfull and will never be faithfull but have always hoped for change. I just don't see it and I beleive I can never trust her like a wife should be in good healthy HONEST relationship......Please help!


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

You can't build trust on scorched, salted earth..Her lies are destroying what little bedrock you have...If she is anything like my STBXW, and she sounds very much like my STBXW, then get out now..She will never be honest with you....I'm not sure she even knows how to be honest.


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## OnTheBrink (Dec 4, 2011)

Wow!

It is apparent that she has some serious issues that need to be dealt with. Maybe if you had kids together it would be worth trying to help her with the issues and deal with them together in the interest of trying to keep a family together. But aside from that, what is tying you to this woman and keeping you from leaving? Why should you suffer? She should get her issues under control before attempting to have a relationship with anyone. (JMO)


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## needinghonesty (Jul 15, 2012)

salted earth is what I was thinking and worried about. Our relationship is like swiss cheese its taken so many artillery rounds. Its an emotional rollercoaster. I talked to my brother about it for some kind of advice and he seems to think to just roll with it, stay true to what is moraly right and don't sweat the small stuff. I have to keep my stress low due to a possible heart attack 2 years ago. We went to her counseler the other day and the subject of Zoosk was brought up. Basicaly she told my wife as long as she keeps doing this stuff it will never go away...and I know that. Anyway it's a struggle. Thanks for your time and reply. I need outside opinions right now.


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## needinghonesty (Jul 15, 2012)

OnTheBrink said:


> Wow!
> 
> It is apparent that she has some serious issues that need to be dealt with. Maybe if you had kids together it would be worth trying to help her with the issues and deal with them together in the interest of trying to keep a family together. But aside from that, what is tying you to this woman and keeping you from leaving? Why should you suffer? She should get her issues under control before attempting to have a relationship with anyone. (JMO)


I knew when we first moved in together there were serious issues there. She doesnt deny them. She has broken down in tears asking why she didnt have her dads persenality, always a smile on his face and happy to share a story. So knowing she admits to having issues and taking meds for them to include seeing her tear up makes it hard. What made it worse was when we were at the counselers offices she broke down asking why nobody sees how hard she is working. I am very compassionate and was difficult seeing her that way. Could have been all put on too who knows. Just like I told her, it's been 7 years and I truly don't know my wife...what is real or not. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read the post. It must be difficult to read with only 2 replies..lol. Thank you, I need this.


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