# Question to you men, please



## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

Its been 5 plus months since Discovery Day of my 20 year relationship prostitute use. Three years massage parlor korean girls. All the obligatory breakdowns etc. have been had and we are slowly, painfully, working through our problems and issues with counseling, books, you name it. I have to say he is the reason we are now trying to work through our problems. He has worked hard to regain some foothold and rebuild our relationship.

Here is a big issue and I need your help. When this all came to my attention, June 16 2017, I kicked him out and proceeded to have an emotional and mental breakdown. There is NO WAY I would have suspected this behavior, and no one else did either. He kept it completely secret. I thought I knew his character and his heart. Wrong. So, he bounced a few places to live and ended up house sharing with a 51 yr old divorcee. I didn't no where he was living for awhile. When we began working together with counselors and long conversation, etc., I finally realized I didn't really know where he was living, and I did some research and found her on facebook. Attractive blond divorcee.

My position is that he should never have moved in with a single female. In that he did (he said it was the most convenient house share he could find), when we started to work together again he should have known this would be a further blow to my distrust, and he should have moved somewhere else.

Your thoughts, please?

Thanks.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Have you met this other lady?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I tend to agree with you.

To echo above, what do you know of her?


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sounds like that guy has poor boundaries and poor decision making.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

VibrantWings said:


> Have you met this other lady?


No, I have not met her. Just saw pictures on facebook. Had one conversation with her, believable enough, and she said there was nothing going on between them.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> I tend to agree with you.
> 
> To echo above, what do you know of her?


Attractive blonde divorcee. I know nothing of her personally. She has been unlucky in love (but so have I it seems now).


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

DoneIn said:


> No, I have not met her. Just saw pictures on facebook. Had one conversation with her, believable enough, and she said there was nothing going on between them.


I would insist on meeting her and need to see where he lives. Shouldn't be a secret if it's all just friendship. Neither her or the hubby should be uncomfortable with that request.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Call me skeptical.

I'm not buying his story in any way.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DoneIn said:


> Its been 5 plus months since Discovery Day of my 20 year relationship prostitute use. Three years massage parlor korean girls.
> .


Why are any of you (especially DoneIn) comparing this situation to a normal relationship issue and judging him on criteria on what a normal person would/should do?

This is a long term chronic use of prostitutes. Jons don't pay prostitutes for sex. They pay them to leave after they cum. What you pay a prostitute for is to *NOT*have a relationship. In other words the exchange of money in prostitution is for the ability to not have a personal relationship with someone you have sex with. 

So the bottom line here is this guy is simply not relationship/marriage material. He pays people good money to not have a relationship with them. Why are you spending good time, effort and money to try to maintain a relationship with him?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I can't imagine how you could consider continuing or resuming a relationship with a man who acts that way.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I don't know. I wouldn't have been able to work past the cheating to begin with.

Shacking up with a woman would not go very far to proving trust in my book.

If I was in his shoes, I would have avoided all females except my mom.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DoneIn said:


> No, I have not met her. Just saw pictures on facebook. Had one conversation with her, believable enough, and she said there was nothing going on between them.


Sounds like you haven't figured out that cheaters lie a lot.

Get STD tests ran and file. You are wasting your time here


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why is this one women's home the most convenient place for him to live? What makes it more convenient than renting a room from a guy, or rending an efficiency apartment?

How long has he known this woman?

Why are you even considering reconciling with him?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, I hope you realize this is a hopeless situation. Time to ditch this cad-husband and move along...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@DoneIn

I'm curious, why did you post this question in the men's forum? Do you only want input from men?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> So the bottom line here is this guy is simply not relationship/marriage material. He pays people good money to not have a relationship with them. Why are you spending good time, effort and money to try to maintain a relationship with him?


Agreed


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

DoneIn said:


> Its been 5 plus months since Discovery Day of my 20 year relationship prostitute use. Three years massage parlor korean girls. All the obligatory breakdowns etc. have been had and we are slowly, painfully, working through our problems and issues with counseling, books, you name it. I have to say he is the reason we are now trying to work through our problems. He has worked hard to regain some foothold and rebuild our relationship.
> 
> Here is a big issue and I need your help. When this all came to my attention, June 16 2017, I kicked him out and proceeded to have an emotional and mental breakdown. There is NO WAY I would have suspected this behavior, and no one else did either. He kept it completely secret. I thought I knew his character and his heart. Wrong. So, he bounced a few places to live and ended up house sharing with a 51 yr old divorcee. I didn't no where he was living for awhile. When we began working together with counselors and long conversation, etc., I finally realized I didn't really know where he was living, and I did some research and found her on facebook. Attractive blond divorcee.
> 
> ...


*My thought process tells me that he didn’t just move in with the divorcée strictly for small talk in her living room!

Proceed with extreme caution during your counseling phase!

And for God’s sake, don’t sleep with the guy until there’s a total trustable resolution!

And he gets a squeaky clean bill of health from your physician!*


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## Down_And_Out (May 3, 2017)

If I move in with a girl and she's at least semi attractive I'm going to have sex with her. Its just going to happen.. only way this doesn't happen is if she's extremely un-attractive.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

DoneIn said:


> Its been 5 plus months since Discovery Day of my 20 year relationship prostitute use. Three years massage parlor korean girls. All the obligatory breakdowns etc. have been had and we are slowly, painfully, working through our problems and issues with counseling, books, you name it. I have to say he is the reason we are now trying to work through our problems. He has worked hard to regain some foothold and rebuild our relationship.
> 
> Here is a big issue and I need your help. When this all came to my attention, June 16 2017, I kicked him out and proceeded to have an emotional and mental breakdown. There is NO WAY I would have suspected this behavior, and no one else did either. He kept it completely secret. I thought I knew his character and his heart. Wrong. So, he bounced a few places to live and ended up house sharing with a 51 yr old divorcee. I didn't no where he was living for awhile. When we began working together with counselors and long conversation, etc., I finally realized I didn't really know where he was living, and I did some research and found her on facebook. Attractive blond divorcee.
> 
> ...


My thoughts are anyone who cheats on me is a scumbag POS who really screwed up a good thing. Also I know I deserve better and would have no trouble finding it so I would move on ASAP. How soon? I would be driving home a U-Haul (not the first time) that day, opting for the boxes and tape, and calling my moving buddies on the way. I would not think much further than that into it.....


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @DoneIn
> 
> I'm curious, why did you post this question in the men's forum? Do you only want input from men?


I thought men would have a perspective I could use. But I value female input as well.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

Thanks to all of you. I appreciate your input. I am taking the position "curious not furious". I want to learn as much as I can from this situation so I NEVER, EVER have to go through it again. 
WOW has it been an eye opener, believe me. Typically I thought of relationships and people as good, caring, honest, trustworthy. Have I EVER learned about the dark side. Never knew so many people were so entirely screwed up! Me included! I lived with a long term John and didn't know about it??? WTF?  There must be something wrong with me to not see what's going on in my own home and bed.

What I hope to gain by going to counseling and working on the relationship is some time. Time to understand. Time to get my feet under me this has been a hell of a hit! Time to gain equilibrium so I can make the right moves at the right time. My life is generally a two horse hitch; having JUST bought a 98 acre farm with Sir John to make our mutual dreams come true. There is a lot of shifting of ideas of the future, and a lot of healing so I can figure out my best path forward.

I am dating, enjoying learning about myself, and hopefully will feel at some point willing to enter into a trusting, committed, MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE relationship with a best friend who has my back. That is what I thought I had. Illusion though it was, it felt wonderful. Now...ISO the real thing....but it takes time to heal.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

I have a LOT of conflicting feelings about attempting to rebuild this relationship. I was told by several sources to give it at least six months, which is precisely 12 more days, before making any firm decisions. I can see how I needed that time to just find a little bit of my center again. I can see I have a lot of work to do to restore and heal myself. My relationship meant SO much to me on so many levels, and its just VERY hard to believe its over. There are stages of grief, and one of them is denial. I believe that may be the one I call home. Fact is, I don't see myself ever again being able to trust or respect this man. I loved him with all my heart, and I'll love him still for a long, long time, but I have to take care of and protect myself from further harm. Truth is, I always saw the best in him and it looks like I ignored some pretty serious reality. Need to work on clearly seeing reality from now on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OK I will bite. I'm a man. Never been to a massage parlor to get happy endings, never cheated on my wife. Never would even consider cheating on my wife. We are out there we exist. I have strong boundaries, it's important to me that I am honorable. I am also very loyal to my wife. All of this has nothing to do with how I feel about her in the present, meaning if we are fighting or even if we don't have sex for a while. You know what I do, I talk to her. I have a relationship with her. If I ever got to the point where I was really unhappy, first I would tell her, and if nothing changed I would divorce her. I would not humiliate her and I would not go against my word. We exist. Don't judge any gender by the worst of that gender or at least include the best as well when you are making your assessment. (By the way I am not at all saying I am the best here) 

As far as having total trust, everyone who is cheated on changes. The innocent love and complete trust that they once had goes away. Most of us think that is a good thing actually. That kind of innocence is pretty risky and leaves you vulnerable. Sure the rarest of rare get to have a life time of love without betrayal but most people don't. That is kind of like a right of passage in life. So you are actually in a good place though you might not no it.

Now you don't know it yet but you will get better. You may even realize that you were settling in your life when you meet someone else. He doesn't sound that great really. When you get to the point when you are healed the thing to take from all this is you survived. There is great strength in that. This is the first and the hardest you will ever have to go though this, because of the stage you are at now. Right now you have no clear experience of knowing you will get over this, yet you will. Hopefully there will not be a next time but even if there is you will know that you can survive and get better. Just hold on to that thought. Like my Mom told me at the time years ago when it happened to me. If you can get through this you can get through anything. 

I think you are doing all the right things. Working on seeing reality or working on your picker as they say is a good thing. Detaching and healing. All good. Time seems like your enemy because it move so slow but it will heal you. Hang in there.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Need some more details..... Did he move in with her at the same time as he was trying to patch things up with you? Or did he move in with her and then later somehow you and him started trying to patch things up? Finally is he still living with her now? 

Honestly your main problem is he simply sounds like a crappy partner. If it were me I never consider reconsecration. I put people in the 2 broad fuzzy categories. Those that tend towards monogamy and those that don't. Each one of these has two more subdivisions. Those that make a conscious decision that they are going to remain faithful come hell or high water, and those that simply roll with their feelings. So we have:

Monogamous - Conscientious - These people will never cheat. They may even fall out of love if things get bad but they will stick with you
Monogamous - Non-conscientious - These people will tend to be faithful but if things aren't going well, may end up having an affair. 
Non-monogamous - Conscientious - These people have to fight their natural instincts or may simply insist on an open marriage/relationship 
Non-monogamous - Non-conscientious - No description needed. < --------------- Your SO sounds like he's here

Of course these aren't exact and it's simply my take on it, but I mean massage parlors? Really?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Dont beat yourself up about not seeing what happenned. Humans can be very deceitful. It never ceases to amaze me the lengths that people will go to to bandaid their "needs" when it is easier simply to talk it out with your partner. Some people simply don't have the ability to talk about their feelings - something I also learnt the hard way.

My read on this is that your husband is simultaneously sabotaging the relationship whilst outwardly acting in a way that minimizes his guilt. It's more common than you think. The cheater doesn't want to be ultimately completely responsible for the demise of their family. He is trying to get you to "leave".


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Perhaps you should have kicked him out of your shared home only if you're terminating the relationship. Many guys in that situation would think a reconciliation not possible and it's any port in a storm.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

20 years in and to get slammed with this. I'm so sorry for you, that really sucks. It's like every single day of your 20 year relationship was just B.S.

This guy must be really great to put up with that **** and reconcile. Moving in with an attractive divorced lady was completely inappropriate but shouldn't surprise you at this point. You have no idea who your husband is.


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