# choosing not to love her anymore



## tmoa (Sep 7, 2010)

We have been together now for over 20 years. Dated through high-school.. 
She was always a little heavy, and every year its the same or worse. I'm thinking in the 225lb range. She is short so this does not make it proportional. I've always hinted that I wish she was healthy and always tried to be sensitive about it since it affects her confidence.. 
So I have found it difficult to want to be intimate with her. Often looking / flirting with other women. I've decided that I just don't want to married to her anymore, not just cuz of her weight but to find someone that can hold my attention with her confidence, body, intelligence and humor. 
I've stayed with her for so long because we had kids ... with one kid still in the house I've made a decision to find a woman I've dreamt of.
Everyone tells me I'm selfish, but tired of living a lie, and looking at other women. 
It's more than a physical issue, we don't hang out, not interested in going places with her since she does not talk or find the same humor as me. So essentialy bored and lonely. 
I do feel selfish some days, but often find the idea of finding a true sole mate worth the pain of ending the marriage. 
Any males in the same/similar situation and made other decisions?


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Yes, I have made the same decision. For different reasons. I recently realized my wife has never been physically attracted to me. I don't know when she stopped loving me, but she did. We are still friends and I still love her, but I only get one shot at life. It angers me that I have been robbed of having someone want to be intimate with me for the last 20 years. That I have been robbed of having someone enjoy kissing me for 20 years. 

I tried to fix it over the past year, but I know it will never happen. I'm older now and was never good at meeting women. But because I've been married, I haven't been serious about it. I'm a different person since the last time I was in the dating market; wiser, more confident. But time's not on my side. I refuse to go through the rest of my life w/o being desired, w/o at least trying.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

You guys' feeling towards your wives just helps me understand that women should be strong. Should always look pretty. Should be affectionate. We age, but we can try hard to stay slim. A lot of women become heavy after they have children. But this isn't an excuse no matter how hard they want to defend themselves. They eat too much. Women also tend to be moody, they scream and yell and shout and cry, I had been like this. Not an attractive scene. I changed. I changed my personality at my early 30's. I asked my husband why he still married me when he knew that I had a bad temper. He said that I had a kind heart and I have a lot of other good qualities. Now I have changed my temper, to my husband, he says, it is a bonus. Never think that a certificate will ensure you that your marriage will last forever. For women and men, they always have to perfect themselves in their lives.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

But can I ask a question? You are still going to date women. If they are women, they are the same. You get a few good years, then they take you for granted, or you take them for granted. Are you going to look for younger women? I think they tend to be even more spoiled. Please don't get hurt. Men get hurt, too. Even though you are more experienced, more confident and wealthier. Women are not that easy to deal with. They like you because you have more money, you can buy them good gifts and take them to good restaurants, they feel good. Do they really love you, you can test. If the age difference is twenty, I doubt it. 
Anyway, wish you all good luck. When you find your women, please make sure that they always stay the way you like. It is possible. And you stay the way they like!


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

tmoa said:


> We have been together now for over 20 years. Dated through high-school..
> She was always a little heavy, and every year its the same or worse. I'm thinking in the 225lb range. She is short so this does not make it proportional. I've always hinted that I wish she was healthy and always tried to be sensitive about it since it affects her confidence..
> So I have found it difficult to want to be intimate with her. Often looking / flirting with other women. I've decided that I just don't want to married to her anymore, not just cuz of her weight but to find someone that can hold my attention with her confidence, body, intelligence and humor.
> I've stayed with her for so long because we had kids ... with one kid still in the house I've made a decision to find a woman I've dreamt of.
> ...


You don't have to justify your feelings they are your feelings. This happens all the time for various reasons it's a very easy formula RESENTMENT + TIME = BAD RELATIONSHIP

That is what happened to you! Yes, most of it is physical and years of apathy from what you described. Just like the alcoholic, gambler, abuser, liar, porn addict, dead beat, after years and years you feel like what's the point.

I'm not going to critique what you may have done or have not done to try to get her to lose weight and then gain the confidence, attitude, and that spark that may have helped to make you not feel this way. If your conscience is clear you don't need to justify your actions on here. Living life by principle alone isn't much different than living a lie your heart is in neither.

Good luck and I hope you find happiness "Life is like a coin you can spend it any way you want, but you can only spend it once"

Life is too short to be miserable.......if someone hasn't changed in 20yrs doubtful they will now.

See ya.


----------



## taylor78 (Sep 4, 2010)

Hey Tmoa,

It's natural to feel that way so don't feel guilty. You tried everything you can yeah? The fact that you mentioned that you wanted her to be healthy means that you really care for her.

I'm sure you'll find someone and be happy. 

Good Luck.


----------



## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

So without being critical what you say is kinda ALL ABOUT YOU.
How is she going to feel about this? How about the children? Are you sure that you are desireable, are you sure your not throwing away a good woman that has loved you for a long time because of looks? Are you sure you can get something that looks better and is a better person? are you are risking being alone, and maybe growing old alone, these are questions only you can answer but worth thinking about. Remember, you dont know what you got till its gone.


----------



## tmoa (Sep 7, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> So without being critical what you say is kinda ALL ABOUT YOU.
> How is she going to feel about this? How about the children? Are you sure that you are desireable, are you sure your not throwing away a good woman that has loved you for a long time because of looks? Are you sure you can get something that looks better and is a better person? are you are risking being alone, and maybe growing old alone, these are questions only you can answer but worth thinking about. Remember, you dont know what you got till its gone.


Yes it is about me for most of this decision... it would be easier if said she wanted a divorce because I don't love her..and that I'm only playing the part, and not likely to stay faithful, and she deserves better. But not reality. 
I'm glad you posted, because this has been the response that I have been getting from friends and family.
My thought/question has been do I stay in the marriage because she is totally commited to me even though I'm not in love with her anymor? Counseling has told me that love is a choice, not an automatic feeling... interesting because she feels it unconditionally and misses me. I do not feel the same.... mostly guilty feelings because she is in pain.
Yes kids have been taking this hard and working hard to help them understand. Up until now I've been a good dad. But I debate with myself on what the true message to my kids should be. Settle because u might hurt the ones that love u...and deny your spouse a true relationship.. or pursue your dreams, never compromise.
this is not only about appearance, if my wife and I were truly compatible and best friends, I like to think I would not be seeking someone else.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

There is no such thing as a soul mate. If that is what you are seeking, you have a very long road ahead of you. What is possible is finding someone that you have common goals with, hobbies, likes and dislikes. At one point you had that with your wife or you wouldn't have married her. What changed?


----------



## wmmaria (Sep 13, 2010)

Make yourself happy, but staying with someone just because you had kids was the wrong thing to do. It can be more hurtful to fake it more than anything else not only for the kids but for your spouse also.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

taylor78 said:


> Hey Tmoa,
> 
> It's natural to feel that way so don't feel guilty. You tried everything you can yeah? The fact that you mentioned that you wanted her to be healthy means that you really care for her.
> 
> ...


I'm not.

The situation you describe was roughly analogous to mine.

I found the woman of my dreams.

Yet, I brought "me" into the new relationship, so I deal with many of the same issues.

Before you walk away, work on yourself. I mean really do some therapy and talk through it. Figure out what you really think - and why.

You simply cannot imagine the pain you will experience ending something that "should have" lasted forever - without a firm guiltless reason for doing so.

Trust me on this.

Conrad


----------



## tmoa (Sep 7, 2010)

Brennan said:


> There is no such thing as a soul mate. If that is what you are seeking, you have a very long road ahead of you. What is possible is finding someone that you have common goals with, hobbies, likes and dislikes. At one point you had that with your wife or you wouldn't have married her. What changed?


I think your right, I would be thrilled to be with a woman who has the same hobbies or passions.
There was a time when I found her attractive but we were very young and we got pregnant ... so I did what was expected of me and married her. I think it would have made a difference if we had both decided to be together forever before we had kids. At least we would have known that there was something outside of the kids. Neither one of us even had other relationships before we started dating. So how could we have known. Maybe I should hold our parents accountable for encouraging a marriage before anyone realized she was pregnant. Now I'm just being bitter. Even so, can't help but feel that either way there is going to be regret, but at least this way maybe we can both find a way to be happy.


----------



## tmoa (Sep 7, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I'm not.
> 
> The situation you describe was roughly analogous to mine.
> 
> ...


I hear you, and its part of what keeps me up at night. How can ever really know for sure. It's been several weeks now. I don't miss her but I do feel bad that she is hurting because of my decision. 
Don't think I ever considered her my dream or ideal girl. And I don't believe she will become that. I think it would be asking too much, she is who she is, nothing wrong with her, I just want someone I can first call my bestfriend


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tmoa said:


> I hear you, and its part of what keeps me up at night. How can ever really know for sure. It's been several weeks now. I don't miss her but I do feel bad that she is hurting because of my decision.
> Don't think I ever considered her my dream or ideal girl. And I don't believe she will become that. I think it would be asking too much, she is who she is, nothing wrong with her, I just want someone I can first call my bestfriend


Thought I had that.

Now that I've reconciled my own emotions and pain, I can tell you that the jury is still out.

Good luck to you, but be warned.

You'll repeat the same mistakes unless you see things differently.

Conrad


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> You guys' feeling towards your wives just helps me understand that women should be strong. Should always look pretty. Should be affectionate. We age, but we can try hard to stay slim. A lot of women become heavy after they have children. But this isn't an excuse no matter how hard they want to defend themselves. They eat too much. Women also tend to be moody, they scream and yell and shout and cry, I had been like this. Not an attractive scene. I changed. I changed my personality at my early 30's. I asked my husband why he still married me when he knew that I had a bad temper. He said that I had a kind heart and I have a lot of other good qualities. Now I have changed my temper, to my husband, he says, it is a bonus. Never think that a certificate will ensure you that your marriage will last forever. For women and men, they always have to perfect themselves in their lives.


I find your post offensive. You are generalizing something awful and only in a negative way towards women. They eat too much are moody and scream, yell, shout and cry? Just ewww! I feel as though I am reading an article in Playboy magazine or, sadder still, Glamour magazine.


----------

